 
##  COUGAR

##  CHAPTER ONE --

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"And now to the English hallway where Bradley got to have a talk with our new English teacher. Over to you, Bradley."

It was gonna be weird seeing myself on the morning announcements. The room full of students giggled as I dropped my head into my hands.

Here we go.

The screen transitioned to a clip of a high school student, Bradley Stapleton, a microphone is his hand, several sheets of questions hidden from view. At his side sat a now twenty-one year old newbie English teacher, his first day on the job; my face began to heat up.

God. I looked like an idiot. I wanted to punch myself in the face.

More giggles were let out. I shot them all a glare. All that did was make them laugh again.

"I determine what your grades are," I reminded them snootily. They laughed once more, proving my tactic to be one of a failure.

We turned back to the SmartBoard at the sound of Bradley's overly-enthusiastic voice.

"Thanks, Collin," his pre-recorded response was. "As you can see," - he motioned briefly to me - "I am sitting here with a new addition to our Trojan family, Mr. Williams." He gave me a big smile, which I awkwardly returned.

"Oh, hey," I said back in a bogus 'feminine' tone. The class laughed at my dumbass again. Bradley went on with his interview questions.

"Now, this is your first year teaching - what exactly made you want to be a teacher?"

On the screen, I shrugged after a sigh. "If I'm honest - I had a pretty hot English teacher in fourth grade, Ms Dune," - Laughs and murmurs of understatement fled the room. Video-me started to laugh as well, as I railed on about how hot I thought she was and how my desire to impress her as a little eight year old fueled my weird interest in the language arts field. Then came college where I majored in English, and with no solid idea on what to do with my life after the next few four years, my advisor enrolled me in teaching courses. I got managed to get my degrees, and here I am.

I sat there picking apart everything about me that stood out on that huge screen. One being my stupid accent. I sounded like a bogan that shot right up out of the Crocodile Dundee with Steve Irwin following close behind.

It's rough. But I'm a proud Aussie...that's now a fish outta water in the US of A.

My eyes observed next the long, raised scar on the right side of my face. It went from the corner of my mouth going several inches back, took a few leaps, leaving smooth skin only to pick up crudely for half an inch with intent to curve all the way to my ear.

My jaw hurt just thinking back to how it happened.

Ah, don't be a little bitch.

I dismissed the horrid memory, trying to focus on the announcements. And I did focus, but I didn't like listening to my dumb answers to Bradley's questions. I wondered what Ally was thinking, watching the broadcast in her classroom.

She'll have a field day when I see her next.

Bradley's voice got my attention as he laughed. "Well," Bradley concluded, "there you have it, folks. We got ourselves an oddballs added to our Trojan family this year. As Mr. Overla would say, 'Treat 'em as our own; we're all going to be Forever Troy." He paused to give me a handshake.

He tipped a nod back at the camera with a big smile.

"Have a great day, THS. Stay Classy, Never Trashy. Back to you, Collin."

Collin took back over with, "Thank you, Bradley. And for lunch today, we'll be having taco wedges, California vegetables, diner roll, and milk. Please stand for the pledge..."

-

I padded my way up the stairs after third period, my free period, to the foreign languages hallway. I passed by two Spanish classrooms - both had classes going on in them - before reaching the one I cared about most - French.

I rounded into the room of Miss Allyson McClain's.

She stood at the head of the room, hand gesturing to the big dry eraser board stuck on the wall. When I strolled in, she stopped mid-sentence about how she'll write out on the board when homework's due every morning to smile at me warmly.

I returned the radiant smile with an addition of a wave.

"Well, good morning, Ty - Mr. Williams."

"Same to you, McClain," I said back, giving her a patronising smirk. She turned momentarily to the students sitting in the desks.

"That's basically all for now. Get your parents to sign the Cheating Policy. I'd like that back by next Monday, if you could." She glanced up at the digital clock. Its red font blinked: 9:50. "You have the rest of the class period to talk \- quietly, though, please."

Whatta a cutie. Thinking they'll listen to her. Going against her wishes, their loud voices erupted into about twenty conversations.

She popped a smile at me, pulling at her hands. Tipping a nod over to her desk, which sat several feet over by the window, she said in that wonderful American accent, "Whattcha need? Just came to see me?" And since I did, I nodded, making my way passed her to her swivel chair.

"And I'll sit here, if you don't mind."

"Well, of course I don't," she laughed, following me. "It's not like that chair's been my heart and soul for the past three or four years."

"Good," I chimed relieved. "Hate to break you two lovers apart."

She pulled an empty chair from a desk over to sit in. "Thanks for pretending to care. It's sweet - how do you like this...whole thang so far?"

I shrugged, giving her my honest thought. "It's alright," I summed up fairly. "Mornin' classes are dead, as expected, but somewhat responsive. That's always nice. They had a fit over the announcements this mornin'."

"Yeah?" she began laughing. "You are so ridiculous. It's a wonder I'm even talking to you in public."

"And for that I thank you," I impersonated Daniel Tosh, putting my hands up to applaud her. She bowed in her seat, her blonde hair lighting like fire every time she moved and it caught the rays of the sun that peeked through the open windows.

"You coming over today?" I asked when she finished accepting my praise.

"Wasn't planning on it," she smirked, tilting her head to the side slightly. "Did you want me to or something?"

"No, not at all," I sent her back her smirk. "It's not like we've been hanging out every day since summer started. It'd be weird to have you at my flat. Absurd, really." Eh, we've been at each others heels for much longer than the past three months, but it's a cover-up, you see, for the little freshies sitting in the room with us.

We held a smiling contest before she shrugged.

"Well, you are my ride home, after all," she trailed considerably. "Yeah, I'll be over - we're gonna need to stop by my house, though. I reckon I'm in need of a new set of clothes."

"Got it."

We spent the rest of the thirty-odd minutes sitting at her desk, talking. I thought back vaguely to every day of my senior year here in this dinky little state. Before the bell rang and even after school let out at 2:35pm, I was sitting in this room, revelling to Ally about anything that was bothering me or what was making my day. She'd sit and listen, soon making her one of my best friends.

*

I must've been sixteen, fifteen at the time; her twenty-three. It was her first year of teaching and my first day in this high school.

I was walking around with my older sister - Ellie - and our younger brother - Damien.

"I have Tussing for Spanish," Ellie announced to us as we passed by the first room you come in contact with upon reaching the top of the staircase.

"So do I," Damien grinned at her. "Should we go say...hi or something?" he asked, laughing briefly. Ellie's and I's laughs were anything but brief.

"Don't be a dill," I teased. "I have to find my classes, too -" There was a very long and weird beep that came over the intercom, and we all looked at each other in confusion. We waited for a voice to come on next, but there wasn't one. "Does that mean something?" I asked, despite knowing they probably had no idea as well.

Ellie shrugged, starting to say something, but we noticed that all the students jam-packed in this hallway were starting to disperse, some heading into the four rooms located right around us. A thought dawned on me as I popped into a random room with a blonde woman standing over by the windows to look up at the clock.

"7:35," I read aloud. I looked at them. "What time does school start?" Earning a collective shrug as a response, I turned back inside the room. "Uh, Miss?" I directed at blondie. She looked away from the hole punch she was holding to stare at me.

"Yes?"

"What time is school startin'?"

She motioned to the clock. "Forty after - about five minutes."

Five minutes. I started to freak out. I don't know where any of my classes are, and school starts in five minutes. I mean, I know slightly which section each is located in, but not the exact room.

I could already tell today was going to be hell.

I threw out a quick thanks. Ellie and Damien stood antsy, the anticipation getting to them. Ellie departed us with, "We should get going - I'll see you in lesson five," she said to me. We hugged quickly, and then her and Damien ran off in opposite directions.

I stared them both down in disbelief. I think they forgot I had no idea where any of my classes are. We only had time to get through all theirs. Not knowing what to do, I stood in the doorway of Ms Blondie's room.

"Are you alright?" a female voice asked, causing me to jump. I turned and saw blondie. I hoped she wasn't a teacher, though she probably was. She was hot.

"I'm new," I explained sheepishly.

"Oh." She stuck her hand out for mine. I took it and we shook them. "Well, welcome to THS - home of the Trojans. Do you need help finding your first class?" she asked helpfully. I nodded, thinking about the clock. I won't make it in time.

"All of them, actually."

"Oh," she said again, this time more rushed. "What do you have?"

"French 1 is my first."

A smile grew on her face. "You're in luck." She gestured into the room. "I'm the French teacher - the only French teacher." Wow, some luck. "You must be Tyler, right?" I nodded, following her as she stepped through the doorway. "I'm Ms McClain."

Ms, I thought. That's the one that means she's not married, right? I wondered if she had a boyfriend. Or girlfriend. No hate.

Pfft - she's a teacher. She's going to be my teacher and I want to root with that.

Wow. But not all that shocking considering some info I'll be telling you soon that may or may not dictate this story's plot-line.

Keeping my eyes away from her butt, I waited for her to turn around and tell me where to sit. When we stepped in, several people stopped talking and looked our direction. I could feel my face get warm.

I hate when people look at me. And there's only one thing they were possibly looking at on me - that big scar out in the open for all to gawk at. I dropped my head down to gaze at the ground, hoping they'd stop leering.

Ms McClain stood with me at her side, eyes searching around the room. Finding an open chair in the first row, second column, she pointing her finger to it. "For now, you can sit there." I nodded, making my way over when she started asking questions.

First she said, "Everyone, we have a new student. His name is Tyler."

Scattered 'hi's and 'hello's.

I pushed out a smile, pulling the empty seat out, dropping into it. She continued.

"So, Tyler, where're you from?"

"Oregon," I told her. She looked at me strangely.

"Oregon?" she repeated with a small laugh. "Originally," she clarified after I nodded. I made the 'Oh, duh' face.

"Australia. Ah - Victoria."

That got me a number of 'aww's from quite a few babes. Uhm, what's so cute about that? It's just another continent like North America.

It's probably the accent. I'm just the total cliche, aren't I?

Wait...America's...a continent, right...?

MaDAMNmoiselle was nodding to my spoken response.

"That makes more sense," she had laughed. "You're a few weeks late getting here. School started weeks ago."

"I know, I know," I said understandably as she moved over to her desk. It was near the windows at the front of the room. "It took us a while longer to get here than we thought it would."

"Why did you move exactly?"

My throat tightened. I didn't want to talk about that.

"Fresh start," I shortened the real answer. I added, "Dad got a new girlfriend ages back and it's been her dream to move here - for some reason." Laughs spread around the room. Miss McClain showed a smile.

"That is a mystery, isn't it?" She had gotten out a binder filled heaps with papers. She cranked it open to a marked section. Humming to herself, she flipped through them. "And here you go - you'll need these," she said, pulling out about four sheets of color coded papers. She walked over to where I was to hand them to me. "It's all just some basic grammar sheets and vocab. If you got time after class, or maybe in the mornings or after school, stop by and I'll talk to you about them."

"Alright." I took them from her, nodding again.

She went to stand at the front of the room. "Alright, so today, we're going to touch bases with the violette vocab paper - the purple one, so if you all could get that out..."

-

Once the bell finally rung at 2:35, the entire school fled from their classrooms, eager to get the hell out of here. I not being one of them.

Instead of heading for the bus, I went for room 276, the French room. Hitting send on my text to Ellie, telling her why I was staying after school, I looked up and saw Ms McClain erasing blue marker from the whiteboard.

I waited for the last two students in the room to exit before entering. She must've saw me out of the corner of her eye, because I didn't even say anything and she had turned her head to me.

I said awkwardly, "Hi."

But she smiled nicely. "Hello, Tyler - you can pull up a chair to my desk." I did as she said with a nod, picking the chair up so I didn't have to listen to it scrape its way there. She came over and joined me while I pulled my French folder from my drawstring backpack.

I would go into detail about this bit, but the author is taking Spanish as of now, not French so she's doesn't know anything about the matter.

Occasionally, McClain would ask me questions about my life; what Australia was like, and how I liked the states so far. Little things like that.

Though I had been asked those questions all day, I didn't mind repeating my answers to her. She seemed genuinely curious, not forced to pretend like she cared even the slightest like everyone else who asked.

She tutored me - I guess I could say - for about twenty minutes.

If I had known this was the start to our weird relationship, oh man. I'd be dying laughing. Her sincere attempt at making me feel welcomed to this school would be the catalyst to the rest of lives.

Fuckin' weird, man.

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What woke me the next morning was my hand falling onto the bed. I peeked my eyes open to see Ally stretching as she sat up. She bit back a yawn and instantly laid back down, pulling the blanket over her again.

I closed my eyes, hearing my dog also yawn but right into my ear as her head was directly on top of mine. I sleepily moved my hand to pet the huge pup I called Baby, unfortunately getting her to lick my ear.

I swatted at her to stop that and she went on to lick my hand.

I blinked when Ally yawned again, turning on her side to face me. As a good morning, she patted the side of my face, causing Baby to shift her head off mine. Ally opened her mouth but it wasn't her voice that came out.

After a strum of a guitar came:

Well, the night get old so I'm back again

The day just started 'cause I'm up with my old friends

A fat smoke and a funny joke

Sitting like a sponge, letting everything soak and I ...

My ears rang at how loud it sounded to exhausted me and I tapped the snooze button on my phone to dismiss the alarm.

I started to close my eyes when Ally sat, patting my leg.

She added lovingly, "Get up, butt-munch."

I groaned at her. I watched her walk in the semi-dark room to the door, pulling it open. She stopped by the hall closet to pull out a towel in advance to entering the bathroom. Flicking on the bathroom lights, I realised she was naked.

All I got was a look at her bum before she pulled the door shut.

Eh. Oh well. I've seen the front half loads of times.

I rolled over, my back facing the now open bedroom door. Baby whined, gently poking me with her nose, meaning she wanted me to snuggle her. I lifted my arm and she dropped her head under it. Her tail wagged when I scratched behind her ears.

The next five minutes were blissfully silent; the only sound was the water running as Ally took her usual morning shower. And then a blood curdling scream.

My heartbeat shook me out of fatigue and I sat up quickly. Another scream and I knew it was Ally's. I jumped up, jogging to the bathroom door. Baby followed, her head low, a growl coming from her throat.

Her bark belted out as I knocked once on the closed door.

"Uhm, Al?" I called over the loud roar of falling water.

She sort of laughed out, "Help me - oh no."

Thinking the worst, I threw open the door, and then the curtains to find Ally sitting with her legs crossed in the bath. She was gripping her hand to her chest and I noticed the stream of red coming from it.

"What the bleep happened?" I asked her somewhat bewildered, shutting off the water. Baby had stopped growling when she realised no one was in here hurting Ally.

She tried to laugh. "I was shaving." I saw the shaving razor near the shower drain.

"Your finger?"

She took my hand when I held it out for her and she stepped out of the tub.

"No. I dropped the razor and it hit my finger on the way down. Fuck \- it hurts so bad."

"Well, that's what you get for being an idiot," I smiled at her giving her a towel to try and stop the bleeding.

It soon did and we got ready to leave by 6:30. In the morning, need I stress.

Alright, alright. I guess I'll point out the white elephant in the room - and by white elephant I obviously mean the ginormous dog. She's cute, right?

..Okay, yeah...Ally...we're pretty good friends. Like - oh, what do they call them? - friends with benefits? Yeah. That.

How'd that happen? You want to know in detail? Well, hold your horses. We'll get there eventually.

***

##  CHAPTER TWO --

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There was a light knock coming from the left of me. The entire room of students looked to stare at assistant principal Mr. Shultz and the young girl standing at his side.

Gesturing to her, he put on a big smile. He introduced her as, "New student." I gave her a look-over. She must've been sixteen - seventeen-ish. Long black hair and eyes engulfed by dark, heavy black eyeshadow and mascara. Her brown skin glistened slightly, highlighting the light pink blush that had touched her cheeks as the sudden attention hit her all at once.

To be honest, she was gorgeous. I tried to avoid eye contact with the parts of her that weren't near her face, slyly taking a peek, nonetheless.

Her petite body was barely covered by her red tank top and tight acid washed shorts.

I wanted to slap myself for thinking she was attractive. A non-school appropriate kind of attractive. Especially when the words 'new student' reverbed in my head.

That's the thing that sucks about getting older: everyone who is even slightly hot is underage.

But it doesn't matter. I have Ally.

I stopped gawking at her to smile nicely.

"Oh. Hi."

She put out an awkward smile, looking from me to around the room at all the faces staring at her as well.

She mumbled out, "Hello." She had a slight accent to her voice.

Mr. Shultz's voice nearly gave everyone a heart attack since they had to listen up for New Girl's quiet response to my greeting. He bellowed, "Her name's Rebeca; she's from Brazil. Speaks almost no English. Good luck." And with that, he gave us all a cynical smile before stepping out the room, turning down the hall.

"....'Kay then." I looked around the room for a place she could sit. Finding an empty spot, first row, second column, I said, "ZK." Zachary Keltz looked up from his crotch. I heard him glide his phone shut.

Letting it slide, I turned to Rebeca. "You can sit by him for now."

I'm assuming she understood me, because she craned her neck to see him, then nodded at me. Absolutely everyone watched her take her seat.

I took the three steps over to my desk to grab the stack of rubrics. I held them up. "Volunteers to pass this out?" Gill hopped up. I decided to explain to Rebeca what they were for. She looked at me when I spoke and she realised it was directed at her. "We're writing a poem or a story involving the most painful thing you've ever experienced, so - broken bone, an accident of some sort. Whatever."

Remembering something, I added loudly for the rest of the class to hear, "I booked us for computer lab Monday and Tuesday of next week."

Gill, as always, was the one to ask the questions.

"When's it due?"

I shrugged, not really having a set date. "We'll see where we're at Tuesday and if you all need it, I'll give you a few more days."

I got massive feedback on that. All involved thank you's.

-

"She's taking my art class," Ellie informed me, beaming. After shoving a bite of a Doritos Locos Taco into her mouth, she groaned. "She's so fuckin' hot; I want to die." My sister's got one of those real posh Strayan accents going. Most times she sounds more British than Australian.

I chuckled at her, tipping the large plastic cup back to take a swig of my Baja Blast. I wagged my finger at her in a scolding fashion, but warned simply, "Shelby. What would she think?" Ellie smiled at me and shrugged.

"Threesome, duh."

I shot out a laugh just as another body joined the table for a now routine lunch in Ellie's classroom - the art room. We glanced up to see it was Ally. Unwrapping her Chalupa from its loud paper cocoon, she asked snootily, "Who are we crushin' on, Eliza?"

Ellie flipped the bird as a way of acknowledging Ally calling her by her real first name. Ellie didn't bother to hold back her devious smirk as she said, "Rebeca Linares."

Ally's face resembled: 0__o

"The porn star?" she asked puzzled.

"The new girl," I corrected cheekily and unfortunately pictured Ally watching porn. I zoned out a couple seconds but was brought back in when Ellie started to talk.

To answer, El slumped back in her chair, hand going over to her heart before waving in front of her face like the room was horrendously hot.

"She's so hooootttttttttt!" she whined.

And that's my sister for you. When she got her wisdom teeth taken out, under the daze of the Almighty laughing gas, all she carried on about was how hot girls were and how much she dug 'em.

Ally and I both shook our heads, but smiled at her ridiculousness. Ally spoke, laughing slightly, "Shelby's okay with this? She's not gonna make you drop Rebeca out of your class, is she?"

"She only did that once," Ellie hissed defensively. "And besides, I don't plan on telling her. I'm not gonna do anything. I just think she's hot. Plus, life's unfair. She's probably straight."

Laughing, too, I pointed out something that should've been way obvious, "And she's a student; you're her teacher."

Backfire.

Though at first, Ellie seemed to consider the information, she instantly paused to throw condescending looks at Ally and me. Her right brow rose arrogantly.

"Practice what you preach, eh?"

I flipped her off as Ally's face grew red, her mouth scrunching into a bunched line. Shifting the subject back to her wrongdoing, I said to Ellie's big head, "You're also engaged, missy."

She inhaled a deep breath, her face falling. "Oh, yeah," she muttered, feigning disappointment. "Forgot about that." She suddenly stood up, hand reaching into her back pocket. She waved her mobile in the air, taking the last bite of taco and throwing it into her mouth. She excused herself, speaking with her mouth full.

"Gotta call the wife."

We laughed our farewells, watching her skip from the table, caked with dried glue and streaks of paint, to her desk piled high with artwork she was meant to be grading right now. She clicked a few buttons, pressed the phone to her ear and waited. Within seconds her face lit up and you knew Shelby had answered.

"Hey, babe!" she sang out, plopping down. "Miss you too - how's work?"

From beside me, I heard Ally 'aww.'

"They're so cute; I want a relationship like that."

"Easy," I said, swallowing a bite of my delicious nachos. "Become a lesbian and join in. Ellie's already in love with you. " Woah, lesbian is an art teacher? No stereotypes there.

Ally's big smile broke out at me. She grabbed her cup of Fanta and brought the straw to her mouth, downing a big gulp. Before she sat it down, I grabbed it from her, taking a long sip as she whined.

Scoffing, I said, "Ellie would try to pin this back on us."

"Right? Good thing she's going to be married now - she totally would go after a student. Definitely someone who looked like that."

I smirked at her, saying, "I would never." Ally gave me a scowl, narrowing her eyes.

"Good."

"Yeah."

"I know."

"That's why I said 'yeah.'"

"Y'all are dumb." We looked up to see Ellie, done with the phone, sitting back down over here with us. To add, she defended herself. "Like I said, I got a girl, and shouldn't be bothering with someone so much younger than me." She slanted a look at us. "I know my boundaries and stay in them."

Dumbly thinking I'd get the heat off me and onto Ally, I leaned in to sneer at her, "Yeah, Cougar."

Ally whacked her hand against my chest, making me sit up straight. "'Scuse you," she said with a head bob. "It wasn't all me, buddy. If I recall correctly, you were the one that was all 'We should do it, yeah, sex, yeah. Heh.'...like...?"

"I didn't see you stopping me!" To imitate her, I failed to raise the pitch of my voice. Ended up doing the girl impression of a guy when I said, "'Yeah, yeah, why not? Blah, blah. Sex, yeah, bleh.'"

She leaned back with her arms crossed over her chest. She had the look that made Ellie and I think she was going to 'go off' on me, but dropped it, going into a soppy tone. "But think about it, dude - we wouldn't be where we are now, if it wasn't for my 'cougar-y-ness.'" The lady speaks the truth. Ellie even stopped to nod in agreement - after laughing at Ally's made up word for her being flat-out horny, that is.

Ellie tilted her head at me, saying, "She's right, ya know."

I puckered my lips. Did I lose this 'fight'? Still, I couldn't deny she was right. Sighing, I gave in.

I childishly said, "Unfortunately."

To show her happiness with being right, Ally jumped up only to bend her knees, hands waving around in the air.

"Horniness shall prevail!" She abruptly stopped to glare at me. "But not for you."

"She's sixteen!" I wound up shouting into the air. "I'm not gross like you."

Her response was throwing her crumpled up napkin in my face.

I feel the love.

*

From beside me, someone muttered, "I want to throw something at him." I, along with Rachel, laughed at Brooke - Shelby was too busy staring down at a book her English teacher was forcing her and a hundred other students to read. The Crucible. Rachel leaned forward to try and see who Brooke was staring at.

"Who?"

Brooke limply pointed her finger across the room. We looked to see Collin Messler sitting at his assigned seat, consumed in a conversation with the guy across from him.

In case we didn't see him, Brooke continued to mumble, "Collin."

At the mentioning of his name, Collin glanced over at us. Rachel and Brooke shot their gazes down, but failed to hold back their loud giggles. I, on the other hand, forgot how to move and stared at him for a few seconds before mentally slapping myself on my forehead.

I casually looked away.

"Then throw something at him," I said in a 'duh' tone, slouching back in my seat. Last night didn't go too well for me. I've been deadly tired all day, and these hard plastic chairs were starting to hurt my bum - more than it already did. (Subtle hints about my home life) Thirty minutes wasted sitting in this stupidly warm classroom that had been labelled a 'Cooking Class' - though all we've done these four weeks is book work.

Brooke sighed longingly. "I want to, but Queen B would yell at me." We glanced over to Mrs. Beaman. She was a...plump woman who looked like she had time travelled to the fifties and got too many souvenirs.

I twisted back around to give a nod to the bleach blonde Barbie doll, sitting diagonal from me, her nose glued in her book. Knocking my knuckle against the book's paperback, I said, "Tell Shelby to do it." Shelby glanced up at me, then around the table at Rachel and Brooke.

Sensing a challenge, she sat up, sticking her gum wrapper in the book to hold her place. "Do what?" she asked, stretching momentarily. She already had a conniving smile on her face, making her little pixie nose crinkle. I tore a small piece of paper off of the worksheet we were supposed to be doing and threw it at her.

"Throw this at Collin."

She smirked at me, sticking her tongue out before scanning the room. She asked, "Who's Collin?"

That made Rachel scoff. "Shelby," she started with a sigh. "The guy we always talk about - always." Shelby gave her a blank, indifferent face, fiddling with the crumbled piece of paper in her hands.

Again, Rachel sighed, smiling. "Purple shirt."

Shelby glanced away to look around one more time. Brooke asked her laughing, "Are you really going to?"

I answered for Shelby with a laugh. "Of course she will. That's how we became friends - I asked to throw this water bottle at some kid in study hall and she did it." Shelby smiled big, dumbly proud of herself.

Rachel asked, "Wait. How long have you been friends?"

"Since this morning," Shelby said with a grin. Rachel and Brooke laughed as Shelby fixed her eyes on someone. She suddenly flung her hand up, chucking the trash straight across from her.

She quipped out a quick "Sorry." It pelted against someone who was not Colin. It smacked another guy right on his forehead.

He flinched and just stared at her, mouthing, 'What the fuck?'

It took me a few seconds to realise he had on a purple shirt.

"Oh, my fucking God." I was on the verge of cackling. Shelby looked at me, confused. "Wrong person!" I snapped, my voice faintly giving out.

All three of them widened their eyes and dropped their jaws. While Rachel, Brooke and I let our heads fall onto the table, laughing, Shelby pushed her face into her hands.

"Oh, shit," she laughed, slapping her hand onto the table. "I'm sorry!" I felt her tap the top of my hand. After calming myself, I looked up at her. She pulled open her purse, getting out a hand mirror. Yeah. She's one of those girls.

Clicking it open, she asked, "Hey, uhm, what are you doing after school?"

Playing the hard-to-get card, I said, "Why do you want to know?"

Applying some foundation shit or something, she said mockingly, "We're best friends. We need to hang out."

'Best friends.' We just met today.

I denied her request with a "Can't," pulling my bag up from the ground to my lap. She snapped her little make-up container shut and gawked at me.

"Why not?"

I let my smug smile come out. "Ms McClain."

"You seriously talk to her every day?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

Rachel interrupted with, "Who's Ms McClain?"

"French teacher," Shelby told her, raising her brow at me. "He's got the hots for her."

Using a small hand gesture, I said, "Have you seen her?" Shelby laughed before gesturing to herself.

"Have you seen this?"

My hands clapped together as I laughed at her. I motioned to her chest where her boobs laid out in the open.

"I can see those."

"What more do you need?" she giggled. "I got it all."

"As right as you are..." I trailed. "I'd rather see McClain's boobs than yours." Shelby sat back and let her mouth hang open. Her retaliation was grabbing my plain-water-filled Propel bottle from me.

I gave her a shrug, eyeing my drink. "Fine," I said, crossing my arms over my chest. "Take it. I'm not as thirsty as you." While Rachel and Brooke laughed, Shelby narrowed her eyes at me.

"Fuck you," she snapped, twisting off its cap. "You want me. Don't deny it."

"Well, obviously!" I watched her take a big sip from my drink and laughed when she grunted, horrified.

"The fuck is this?" she groaned, leaning close to me when she cussed so she could whisper it.

"Water." I smiled at her. She looked at the label that visibly read 'Propel,' then glared at me.

"Thanks for telling me."

"Welcome."

She tightened the cap back on and rolled it to me. "Take your shit water and give it to your lover." So I rolled it back her way. She smiled at me, shaking her head. "I hate you," she sang out, taking my drink and dropping it in her bag.

"Love you too, babe."

Brooke snorted, taking her headband off only to put it back on. She mumbled like she usually does as she laughed, "Just date already."

"Me and McClain? I'm working on it."

She laughed again, shaking her head. Her eyes shifted between Shelby and I. "No. You two." She clipped a few bobby pins into her hair. Shelby and I shared disgusted looks.

"Ew." Shelby tried to be crude, but her toothy smile showed. "Me and him? Never in a mil."

"Right," I agreed, returning her smile "I'm trying to stay STD-free, if you don't mind." Shelby once again told me how she felt by taking something from me then throwing it at me \- my planner. When I caught it smoothly, Shelby stemmed a conversation from what I last said.

"Tyler," she began innocently, shoving her books into her purse that was larger than a baby panda.

"Yes, love?"

"What was your first impression of me?"

"Slut." When she gave me a dark gaze, I smirked at her before trying again. I thought back to the first day of school - merely four weeks ago, walking into study hall to be seated by the stereotypical blonde. She sat doing her make-up before the bell rang.

Remembering my exact first thought of her, I still said, "Slut."

"Oh -" She reached forward to slap my shoulder while Rachel and Brooke snickered yet again. "Fuck you, seriously."

"What?" I laughed. "I'm not joking. What did you think when you first met me?"

Her eyes flickered up and she grinned.

"Kangaroos."

-

I walked Shelby to her bus then made a U-turn back towards the school building. I got to room 276 within five minutes and walked through its open door. Ms McClain wasn't up at the board, erasing something like she typically is. She sat at her desk, clicking around on her computer.

She heard me walk in and glanced up. I waved and she smiled, pointing to an empty seat she had sat right next to her desk. As I dropped down, she greeted me.

"You're here later than usual."

"Hello to you, too." Getting her to smile again, I explained my excuse. I happily said, "I made a new friend."

"Who?"

"You know that blonde babe I was walking 'round with after lunch? Her. I walked her to her bus."

Ms McClain smiled. "Oh." She turned away to minimise Internet Explorer, facing me when she was done. "Good to see you're talking to people - other than me."

My mouth fell open. "What?" I said with fake shock. "You don't want to be my friend? Then I'll just leave. Just know, without me, you'll be old and alone." This time, her jaw dropped.

"I'm not old, youngster," she sneered, wiggling her finger at me. "I'll have you know I'm twenty-two. Not even in my mid-twenties, so suck on that."

I smiled at her immatureness, then the reason for my smile changed drastically.

"I'm almost eighteen," I hinted deviously, winking at her. Yeah, eighteen in two years. She instantly laughed, seeming to ignore its meaning.

"And what do you expect me to do with this information?"

Me.

I shrugged. "Just thought I'd tell you."

"Oh, I'm sure," she muttered chuckling, shifting in her seat. She changed the subject. "So - how's life? You know, home?"

Wow. Like I want to go from flirting to...that hell hole.

Again, I shrugged nonchalantly. "It's fine," I lied, thinking about the new bruise on my shoulder that yelled at me every time I moved my right arm and the new cut on my hip that burned when I tried to walk.

She saw right through my lie and gave me a look. She urged, "Oh, come on. It's obviously not okay. You'll feel better once you talk about it. We're friends," she said in a remindful tone. "You can tell me anything."

Knowing that was utter bullshit, I forced a chuckle.

"I really can't."

"Yes, you can." she pressed, frowning at me. She leaned forward to put her hand on mine briefly. "What's up?"

"What do you expect me to say?" I asked with another fake laugh. "The truth?"

"That's what I'm hoping."

"If it's the truth, then I can't." Really can't. I thought about my vile night and how badly I wanted to cry to her about it. To anyone. But I knew that if a teacher suspects anything bad is going on in your home, they can tell authorities and have you taken away. That wouldn't help anything.

Though, she probably already suspects something, but hasn't said anything to anyone else. Still, I refused to tell her. It was embarrassing.

McClain furrowed her brows at me. "Why not? Tyler, what's wrong?"

"Nothing - we can talk about my mum," I suggested, mostly because we'd just talk about how I felt, not her ties with my house. Ms McClain took a few seconds to give me a cautious look, but nodded.

"Alright." She sat back in a more comfortable position. "How have you been?"

I slouched back and sighed, suddenly not wanting to talk about her either, but talking about my deceased mother was somewhat better than my dick of a father and his cunt girlfriend. "Fine," I lied for a second time. Knowing that wasn't enough for her, I continued. "It's weird not having her here, but...she's happy now, I think."

"But how are you?"

Nowhere near being happy.

"I'm fine," I said vaguely again. Picking up that I wasn't going to shift to a different fake emotion, she let my feelings go. Sort of.

"You don't resent her for leaving you like that?"

I hated her for leaving me in that house, basically all alone. Sure, I had Ellie and Damien, but they were nothing compared to her. And not only that, but the fact that she took that exit route...she might as well have killed me too. Was I not important enough to her, like she was to me? Was I that easy to forget and leave?

Maybe I had something to do with it. She never fully explained her motive prior to it happening. It was just an eight letter note, then - bam - she was gone.

"Sometimes," - I came down from thought, shrugging - "but, like I said, she wasn't happy before. Hopefully she is now. I can't get terribly mad at her for ending something that depressed her so much that she would even think to kill herself over - and worse, actually go through with it."

Ms McClain had this look on her face. She stared at me in what I believed to be respect, though it probably wasn't that at all. She whispered thoughtfully, "You're so mature." In her normal tone, she added, "You - hopefully - aren't blaming yourself too much for it. You see her side and respect her for her decisions. It's not an easy thing to do, but you fake it pretty well."

She smiled lightly at me, so I let myself smile back. I honestly wasn't feeling like I deserved to smile. I did blame myself, no matter how many times I had people tell me over the past three months that I had no part in her suicide. I knew she wouldn't leave me like that unless I was part of the problem.

McClain and I talked until forty after three, then she drove me home, like she normally does.

Hesitantly pushing open the front door, I peeled off my drawstring backpack. The house was quiet. I suspected no one to be home, but then the light buzz of Tegan and Sara told me Ellie was home, locked in her room. If she's home, I'm assuming Damien was too, also tucked away in his room, probably sleeping.

But no dad or his girlfriend.

I went to my room and shoved open its closed door. I praised the heavens when I looked on my bed and didn't see Vanessa sitting there. She does that sometimes. It's freaky. Instead I got Baby sleeping soundly. Not wanting to wake her, I slowly shut my door behind me.

Kicking off my shoes, I hopped briefly to my computer chair, and sat down. I leaned back and sighed into my hands.

So far so good.

But just because I survived the first five minutes in this house after school seemingly unscathed didn't mean tonight would let me wake up tomorrow morning without having something I was dying to blab to someone about, but couldn't.

My heart skipped a few beats at the familiar sound of the front door being opened. I expected my door to be flung open and someone I didn't want to see would be standing on the other side, but received silence.

Relief overwhelmed me when the rest of the afternoon went without a single interruption. I was able to work on homework until about six before my door was finally pushed open.

Ellie stood in the doorway with a smile on her face.

"What?" I asked cautiously. She twirled in circles to fall onto my bed. My dog's head came up to blink at her before she dropped it back down. Scratching her behind her ears - Baby's favourite - Ellie told me 'what.'

"That girl you were talking to today - Shelby \- I'm messaging her on Facebook right now."

"How'd that happen?"

"She messaged me about you - like, where you were, but you weren't here, so we just kind of talked." She had a big smile and aimed it right at me. "I think we've got some chemicals goin' right now." My head jerked up and I laughed.

"She's...a lesbian? Or...?"

Ellie finished my sentence with a shake to her head. "Bi," she confirmed, biting her nails. "And totally into me. We're gonna date, I think."

I was instantly plagued with guilt. Fuck. Shelby and I made out in the bathroom during lunch and a few more times during the rest of the day. Gah. And yet, I smiled at Ellie's grinning face.

"Well, good on ya. Am I invited to the wedding?"

"Bride's maid," she smirked, sitting up. "Reno, Las Vegas. Be there or be square." She started towards my door, saying, "Just came in here to tell you so you wouldn't be shocked by me suddenly dating your friend."

"Thanks for that."

"Mmhmm." She stopped from shutting my door to say, "I'll probably come in here tonight."

In mock excitement, I said in a cliché Aussie voice, "Ace!" Ellie grinned before winking at me.

"See ya then, mate."

-

I flopped back down on my bed, ignoring my dad as he yelled at me from the living room. Too much of a bludger to get up, obviously. I knew he'd eventually storm into my room with some other dumb chore I 'needed' to do soon, so I took advantage of the temporary silence and napped until the time came.

And no, this isn't why I hate him heaps. We'll get to that later.

As if on cue, after several minutes passed, the dreaded man shouted to me from the living room.

"Tyler - once you're done doing nothing, how about you do the laundry!"

I took out my phone and texted him the emoji of a purple eggplant.

His response was 'are you fucking kidding me.'

I laughed to myself evilly. It's always fun messing with him until he finally gets fed up enough and marches in here with a whiffle ball bat. Thankfully that didn't happen and I got to give into drowsiness and fell asleep not to be woken again until about eleven that night.

My eyes opened at the low creak of my door being pushed ajar. I waited for the bed to shift as Vanessa - or, even worse, him - sat down, but waited for nothing.

I heard a hushed whisper.

"Tyler?"

Recognising the voice, I turned over to see Ellie standing in the doorway. When I tuned back over, tightening my blanket over my head, she knew what to do and closed the door as she came into my room. The room went back to being near pitch black. I heard her shuffle over then clank her toe against the edge of the bed.

She cried out, falling flat on her face, landing half on me and half on Baby. Baby yelped at her; I shoved my sister off me.

"Every night," I muttered scornfully at her. I felt her push her middle finger against my face as she crawled into bed.

Now why is she here? Why does she come sleep in my room nearly every night?

Him.

If either of us sleep alone, we wake to him. Every time. It's either him or his girl, Vanessa. They're both sick, I swear it.

Our biggest wonder is why doesn't he do the same to Damien. He's the gay one. Not that that would make it any better, but he goes after the straight guy and lesbian while his girlfriend only goes after me; not the lesbian. It doesn't make sense.

But, in some weird, twisted way, this piss situation made Ellie and I closer as sibs. Strange, I know.

We slept soundly through half the night. Then two a.m. rolled around.

I awoke to my name being whispered again. "Tyler?" There was a nudge against my shoulder. I groggily opened my eyes to see a dark outline. Staring longer, I knew it was a girl. It slowly came to me that it was Vanessa.

I grumbled out, "What?"

She grabbed for my wrist, murmuring, "Get up." I thought of Ellie, sleeping tangled in the bundle of sheets. If I left her, he'll come get her. Once I had gotten up in the middle of the night to wee; when I left, she was sleeping like a log, came back and she wasn't there anymore. I had to bite through her reiteration the next morning.

The words 'He raped me!' kept flashing into my mind and I wanted hurl.

Second reason to fight and kick to stay in my own bed, I was bloody tired. I wasn't up for what she had in mind. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to get through a day without feeling like I was on the verge of passing out.

El would wind up being the one who gets her ear bashed by me tomorrow if I gave into Vanessa.

I softly tugged my arm away from her, bringing it under my chin to rest on. "No," I whined sleepily. "Please? I'm knackered, V. Absolutely rooted." She didn't seem to care. I felt something next to me move. It was Ellie shifting into a new position. Finding a comfortable one, she sighed loudly. Vanessa's eyes darted to the blob that was Ellie, then at me.

"I need you," she snapped. "Get up."

"V," I said again, shaking my head though I doubted she could see me in the dark. Desperate to sleep in my bed without her, I started to bargain. "Tomorrow?"

She was silent, making me think she was considering my feelings for once, but she started to shake her head.

"No. Now."

My heart had been pounding my chest since I woke up. Now it was up in my ears. I didn't want to move, and give her what she wanted, but knew I wasn't going to sleep tonight if I didn't. I reluctantly slouched off my bed, moving Baby so she was resting over Ellie. If he tried to take her, Baby would bark. Hopefully I'd hear and stop him.

Vanessa groaned at me impatiently, grabbing onto my arm. I followed her out of my room and into the basement. She closed the door behind us, sealing my fate of another restless night.

I wish she had never came into this house. Since day one, she's been ruining my life; two years of her almost nightly. I haven't had a full night's sleep in two years. That's fuckin' ridiculous. But there's nothing I can do to stop her. No one would ever believe me if I told, because 'if I really wanted her to stop, I would've made her by now; she's the girl, I'm the guy. I outrank her.'

That's kind of hard to follow up on when she has you at gun point.

The night seemed to drag on, but soon she was satisfied and I got to slump my way back upstairs. I was pleased to see Ellie was still there, snoring lightly with her arm draped over Baby's head. Trying not to wake either of them, I went to the foot of the bed to crawl back into my preferred spot to stay the night at. I caught sight of my bedside clock and its time.

It was nearing three, closing on two. I had to be up in an hour and the last thing I wanted to do was wake up.

I couldn't fall asleep, anyway, and laid in bed, thinking about how pathetic I was to let that scrawny excuse of a woman take advantage of me like that. The more I thought about it the more my skin ached for me to rip it open, but my blades were under Ellie's side of the mattress. As a substitute, I took a thumbtack down from the corkboard I had placed above my side of the bed. I lifted my shirt and lightly poked its sharp edge repeatedly against my ribcage, but it wasn't enough.

I soon gave up, making a promise to myself that I would try again tomorrow.

-

Failing to see I hadn't slept all night, Ellie woke me up regardless. While she got changed, I blabbed to her about Vanessa.

"Why didn't you wake me?" she asked after a long pause. Her brows were making creases on her forehead, her eyes looking sad. I shrugged, putting on my jacket.

"You were sleeping."

"So? That's why we sleep in the same room together - so this won't happen." Pulling her long black hair into a high ponytail, she made her way over to me, sitting beside me on the bed. "You'll be alright?"

Nope.

"Yeah."

"You swear it?"

"Ellie," I started to laugh, getting up. "I'll be fine. This isn't the first time." I pulled on my bag and checked the time on my iPod. "We should go," I said, shoving it back in my pocket.

She looked at me for a few seconds before getting up, as well. She muttered, "Yeah," making her way to the door. "I'm gonna get some water from the fridge - you want one?"

Needing an opportunity to be alone for a few seconds, I nodded.

"Yeah. Thanks."

"Welcome, boo." And with that, she walked out to the kitchen. I took this time to stick my hand between the mattress and bedframe, pulling the little memory card container from it. In it was about ten or so blades I've collected since I was ten, I'd say.

I slipped it into my front pocket and turned for the living room. The third twin of the household, Damien, laid on the couch, head tipped back over the arm, eyes shut. If I hadn't of known any better, perhaps I would've thought it was me sprawled out on the sofa. The only real difference between us was the big scar I unfortunately had, but he was free from. Other minuscule details like our hair - his being near his ears and mine going to my chin - or our eyes would completely slip your mind.

Wanting to sit down, I kicked the bottom of his foot. His icy blue eyes shot open to glare at me.

"Oh, fuck off," he groaned, squeezing his eyes shut again. I grabbed him by his ankles and dragged him off the couch, but after a loud squeal, he gripped onto a cushion. "Tyler - stop!"

"Just move so I can sit down."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Would you two stop that?" Ellie hollered over Damien's loud yelling. We both looked up and saw her walking into the living room, two Propels in her hands. She chucked one of them at me, hissing, "Here, dipshit."

"Thanks, dear."

She slipped on her shoes she always took off by the couch and pulled open the front door. She told us to hurry or we'd miss the bus, and left out the door without us. I finished ripping Damien off the couch before following behind her. He landed on the ground with an 'oompf!'

I guess I'll tell you that our dad wasn't home right now; he had to be at work by four, and Vanessa is the heaviest sleeper ever, so she'll wake up around noon then leave to go to the grog shop for my dad, then come home to either torment me or sleep some more.

I was with Damien and Ellie for about ten minutes of morning walk around before I went up to McClain's room and chatted with her.

I seriously talk to her every day. I wasn't joking.

We talked about the usual things. I even asked her about herself - I always do, so our conversations aren't so one-sided.

I gave a look to the clock and saw I had about five minutes before the first bell rang, and turned to McClain to say I had to use the restroom. She told me not to fall in and I left the room with a pity laugh.

I jogged down the stairs and continued on straight down the Maths hall, taking a left to get to the boys' bathroom. I didn't think anyone was in here, but when I went to pull open a stall door, the one next to it opened after a flush of the toilet.

I didn't really know who he was, but I've seen him around. He's cute, I'll give him that. I shall call him Fabio.

After giving him an awkward hello, I entered the stall, locking its door. Because the seats are gross and I didn't come in here to pee or poo, I stood, digging into my front pocket. For a split second, I couldn't find the little memory card container, and had a small panic attack. Thankfully I did find it just as Fabio turned on the sink faucet.

Carefully, I opened the container, hoping to not drop any blades. I took a few seconds to look amongst all sharp objects, picking one of the new stainless steel razor blades.. I closed the container and set it on the toilet paper dispenser.

I pulled up my left sleeve and stared down at my arm.

All the times I've fucked up stared back up at me, leaving almost no space to show my success. I tipped my eyes up to see the tattoo inked under the start of my inner elbow. I did it myself after my mum killed herself.

It was her suicide note: I'm sorry baby. Be good! I love you!

My stomach tightened and I could feel tears filling up my eyes.

Why did she have to go? This isn't fair.

Finding a moderately clean spot, I pushed the blade against it. There was a sharp sting. Just that alone made small specks of blood come up. If I pressed down any harder, I was sure it'd start gushing.

I took my time dragging it several inches across my forearm, watching the skin separate and fill with bright blood. Needing more, I moved the blade directly under the new cut and did the same, deeper this time.

Too deep.

A huge jolt of pain shot through my arm and for a moment, I lost grip of the blade. It fell in slow motion, landing with a jingle on the bathroom floor. It didn't stop there. It flopped a few feet before skidding under the stall door...just as Fabio turned to walk away. I saw his shadow stop dead in its tracks right in front of the razor blade.

My heart plummeted into my stomach.

Fuck. Fuckity fuck.

I heard him crouch down and saw his hand stretch for it. He carefully picked it up. There was a few second of silence before he held his hand under the gap of the stall door, the blade in his palm. I slowly reached for it and took it from him.

I didn't expect him to say anything, but he said softly, "Whatever it is you're going through...it's not worth doing that. Whatever it is, it'll pass. I promise."

I didn't respond, so he didn't say anything back. He stood back up and shuffled out of the restroom.

I stood there mutely.

Well, good thing I never see him. He's a babe though.

Now that I said that, I feel like I'll be seeing him everywhere now. Lovely. I soon grew tired of being in shock and went back up to McClain's room, beating the bell.

***

CHAPTER THREE \--

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\--

-

\------------------

PRESENT DAY

\------------------

Right now, it's Monday, aka lab day in the library. Despite this, I hung back in my classroom, sitting at my desk in case there were forgetful fools who were unable to remember that. I expectantly got Gill strolling into the near empty room.

She stopped dead in her tracks and gave a look of wonder as she said, "Where is everybody?"

"Library," I reminded her with a laugh. The info dawned on her abruptly as she slapped the back of her hand to her forehead.

"Oh, right." She went to snap her fingers at me as a goodbye but was interrupted by ZK walking in. He, too, stopped short on his way to his desk. Right as he started to ask the same thing Gill did, Gill smacked her hand against his chest.

"Library, dipshmit."

She paused to throw an innocent smile at me.

"Clever," I smiled back instead of snapping at her for 'cussing,' and watched Gill push ZK out of her way so she could bolt out the door. I think she likes him - which confused me at first, because I thought Gill was a lesbian. She gives off that vibe, okay. I'm not normally such a prejudice jerk, but come on now; vibes are vibes. Listen to your heart when the 'gay' one is being screamed at you.

Plus, this story needs another gay or two to really tie it all together.

Seeing there was about a minute left before the bell rang, I started to get up and head to the library myself. I picked up my folder of work handed in by my other classes, sidestepping away from my desk. Feet away from the door, I almost collided with a body.

I wound up embracing Rebeca so I wouldn't knock her over. She gripped momentarily onto my forearms to keep from falling backwards.

"Woah." I briskly pushed her away, getting an...illegal feeling down under. "Sorry 'bout that."

She clutched onto two or so folders in her grasp and laughed faintly. "Oh" she began, looking towards the ceiling. "It's...uh..." Her hand was near her head, fingers wiggling around like she was trying to pull the rest of her sentence out of the air.

She scrunched her mouth before going with, "It's fine?"

God. Foreign people are adorable.

"Right word." Instantly remembering the room was empty besides us, I said, "We got the library today. Do you know where that is?" She shook her head so I took the lead, going passed her to the door. "This way."

Down the hall we go, awkwardly making conversation. I found myself asking the same questions people asked me when I moved here: 1) how did she like being overseas so far; 2) why she moved; 3) why a few weeks late getting here, but added a new question 4) would she mind if I started calling her 'Beck-o' or some dumb nickname because the True Blue lazy Aussie side of me was prevailing, blah, blah.

1) It's okay.

2) Riots in Venezuela

3) Thunder/snow/hailstorms in the way of each connecting flight.

4) Go ahead.

Saving us from anymore forced questions, the library finally came into view. I was a gentleman and let her walk through the archway first - and not to look at her ass, I swear. Though...I did have a look.

Passing through the bookcase part of the huge room, we treaded up the three stairs, joining the rest of the students. Beck-o promptly made a beeline for an empty seat. Sitting down at my own little vacant table, I flipped open my folder to the twenty-two essays laying inside. I wanted to hit myself with a blunt object for assigning it in the first place, because now I wasn't up for grading it.

Thankfully only thirty seconds were wasted before a certain voice was my distraction. The possible owner of the voice made my heart leap against my will and I looked up to give a smile to Ally.

She smiled even bigger back at me, quietly telling her twenty-odd students to use the computers located on the other side of the room.

"If you have any questions," she added, hitching her thumb towards me, "I'll be over here." Getting mumbles as a response, she came over to my table, taking a seat in the wooden chair across from me.

She greeted me with, "Oh, hello - what are you doing in the computer lab this fine morning?"

With fake enthusiasm, I told her, "Story time!"

"What kind of story?"

"Worst pain ever."

"Like you did?"

I fought the natural urge to flip her off. I stuck my tongue out at her amused face. "Yup." To shush her from what I knew she was going to say, I continued, "I got some stuff I've thought of myself, trust me. It's just for the sake of (ahem this story you readers are reading ahem) having examples for them to look off of."

"I wish I could do that," she said pouting. "We didn't have French classes in Alta - probably on account of it being in Canada - French central. If anything, we had American English classes. Did you have Creative Writing in Mel-born?"

I gave her a look of warning, internally cringing at her pronunciation of my hometown.

She corrected her herself sarcastically. "Oh, I'm sorry - 'Mel-bun?"

I pretended that my eye was dreadfully itchy, slyly giving her my raised middle finger. She blew me a dramatic kiss. Satisfying my 'itch,' I answered her.

"Yeah, but I didn't take it. I think I took a second Study Hall instead."

"Smart - I took, like, Speech or something."

"'Like'?" I echoed her, smirking condescendingly. "Good to see that semester class is still workin' for ya." She flicked her tongue against the inside of her bottom lip, raising her brow slightly. She mocked me with a shit Aussie impersonation.

"'Workin' for ya?'"

"I'm Australian," I snapped, kicking my foot against hers under the table. "We're a lazy breed. Sod off." She smirked back, pushing my foot several more times.

"Footsy?" she said 'flirting.' I put on a flirty smile before I kicked her hard. She jumped and widened her eyes at me. I stuck with my smirk.

"You know it, babe."

She brought her leg up and hugged her knee. "You're so mean to me," she whined frowning, giving me the 'puppy dog' eyes.

"Oh, I'm sorry," I mocked her from before. "You don't seem to mind in the bedr-" She grabbed my folder and shoved it to the ground. Her finger pointed to it as she feigned another pout.

She said sadly, "Your stuff fell."

And this is why I like her - she can dish your bs right back to you.

I narrowed my eyes at her, muttering, "I'll get you for that," reaching down to scoop the few scattered papers back into the folder. Sitting back up, I caught eyes with Rebeca. An evil thought was slowly devised. My revenge was available sooner than expected.

I looked back at Ally, giving Rebeca a small glance as I said, "You know Beck-o - oh, wait. Rebeca. Sorry - she's also taking my Speech class." She picked up on my intentions within seconds.

"'Beck-o'?" she said, giving me a small glare. "So I see you've already got a nickname for her."

I modestly shrugged. "Yeah, just a little somethin' I came up with - she likes it. Anyway, like I said, she's taking two of my classes - actually...she's in one of my English classes, too. How weird. I get to see her all the time."

Her 'glare' got darker. "Oh?" She gave a fleeting look behind her. I followed her gaze and saw she was giving a real glare to Rebeca. Rebeca apparently didn't look away when I did earlier, but quickly did at the sight of both Ally and I staring at her.

Ally turned back to me, a big smirk on her face.

She said haughtily, "She is a pretty little slut, isn't she?"

"Breathtaking," I smiled at her, holding back my laugh. "She's staying after school to chat with me - needs a few pointers on giving speeches. Fix up her English a bit."

"Just the two of you?"

"Yup."

Ally tried to keep her 'playful glare' going, but her eyes widened as she shook her head at me.

"Over my dead body. You are not going to be alone with her."

I sat back in my chair, arms going over my chest. "Don't trust me?"

"I don't trust her."

I took a glimpse at Rebeca. She had gone back to looking this way. She held my gaze for a few seconds before dropping it back to her screen. I suddenly understood Ally's side of this, but wasn't giving up that easily.

I shrugged again indifferently, saying, "Not an issue for me."

"Well, it's a major issue for me."

I shrugged once again. "Yeah, but you 'tutored' me and we turned out great."

"Exactly," she said, heaving a kick to my foot one more time. "We got a good thing going. Let's not ruin it by bringing that...thing into it."

I acted like I was considering what she said, but began smirking deceivingly.

"Okay, say I do call off the little afterschool meeting, what do I get?"

"My undying gratitude?" I pointed my thumb downward. Her forced convincing smile fell into a devious one like mine. She leaned forward to quietly say, "Whatever you want."

Though that was the answer I was hoping for, I slouched back, not completely sold, because - heh - I wasn't joking; Rebeca did came in this morning before the bell rang to ask if she could stay after school for help...and I didn't deny her request.

I brought my hand up to nonchalantly scratch my jaw. "Well, our plan is set in stone; I can't just flake on her. She really, eh, 'needs' this." Ally sat up straight, her fingers locking together, reminding me of something like a woman in power, determined to get her way.

"Tyler," she said, pausing to gesture to herself. "Take a look at this. Okay?" She seemed to ignore me when I snorted at her. "And...her - just...ugh. Let's be honest, she's probably gotten passed around a few times - I heard she got tag teamed over the weekend and then got a train pulled on her afterwards -"

I interrupted her, finally laughing.

"Who told you that?"

She shushed me, continuing. "I may have made that up. Point is - I, on the other hand, am practically clean thanks to my ridiculously religious parents. Up until my cliché freak-out in my senior year, not one soul got up in this. You and that girl that wound up being my temporary friends-with-benefits are the only ones. I am, hands down, the best choice if we're talking STD-wise."

"Yeah, completely ditching the fact that we've been 'together' - shall I say - for about four years." She propped her arm up on the back of the chair, taking a second to blow on her nails. Brushing them off against her grey cardigan, she smiled at me.

"Yet another reason why you should drop that hoe."

"Ahem." Our eyes snapped wide open at the sound of someone that wasn't one of us clearing their throat. We slowly looked up to see Gill. Ally noticeably relaxed, probably expecting to see Rebeca, like I was, but tensed almost instantly when she realised it was still a student who just heard her say 'drop that hoe.'

"Gee, McClain," Gill chuckled, pressing both her hands flat against the circular table, leaning on them. She made the 'tsk-tsk' sound, shaking her head in disapproval. She started to smile arrogantly, and when she said, "What would your ridiculously religious parents think of that language?" I fucking lost it.

Rightfully jumping to conclusions, Ally's demeanour collapsed from overly confident to utter humiliation.

She stammered out, face going red, "How...how much of that did you hear?"

Gillian smiled bigger. She winked at Ally, perching her lips into an awaiting kiss, depicting that she heard of Ally's dip into lesbianism. "Enough," she beamed before turning to me. "Are we coming back in here tomorrow? I won't finish my story if we aren't."

Mentally not prepared to move on from what Gill just did, I took a few seconds to collect myself. I managed to say, "We can." Gill nodded, tapping her knuckles against the table. We waited for her to scamper back to her desk, but she spoke to Ally.

"You know, I side with you. I would not trust her. She is quite the hoe. Hasn't even been here a week and she's already fuc-...slept with half the guys in our class." She turned to me, 'gravely' saying, "Heed my warning." She slowly backed her way to her computer.

After sitting motionless, Ally suddenly smiled.

"Told you she's no good."

I eyed her, crossing my arms over my chest. I rolled my eyes and sighed.

"Alright," I caved. "I'll tell her I can't do any of that 'torturing' after school. But what if she's persistent?"

She said with a shrug, "Dropkick her."

I laughed, but nodded like I was a secret agent and she was my supervisor giving me orders.

"Got it, boss."

-

I went to drop the dry-eraser down on the tray and turned my head towards the doorway when someone spoke softly.

"Mr. Williams?"

It was Rebeca. I rubbed the palms of my hands against my shirt, hopefully getting rid of any marker they had gotten on them.

"Yeah?"

Again, she looked at the ceiling for her sentence.

"We are...still...studying?"

The look of confusion she gave me made me smile, but I shook my head at her. "Can't," I said with a fake frown. The lie came easily to me. "Gotta take my dog to the vet. She has worms." She grimaced and groaned slightly.

"Oh - gross. Uh...well, I don't have...a rides home."

"What about the buses?" I suggested. "They couldn't have left yet."

"I don't ride a bus. A friend takes me home."

"They already left?" I asked, my stomach sinking. She nodded. Was I supposed to do something about that? She had this hopeful look on her face and she started to smile when I said, "Well, should I...do something?"

"Drive me?"

"I..." tried to think of another excuse. I knew I couldn't have her in my car alone and take her to her house without wanting to follow her inside or park off somewhere and do her. I think she knew that.

"Please?" she begged, looking up at me with those big brown eyes. She lightly tugged on her bottom lip. For some reason, that had the opposite effect I thought it would have on me. I started to relax, suddenly not interested in her anymore. She was doing that on purpose, to persuade me, if you will.

SIlly girl. I'm the persuasive manipulator in all of my relationships.

She added, "I really need it."

She suddenly jumped when lightning cracked loudly and the sky outside lit up. My stomach sank again as I stared incredulously out the window to see bucketfuls of rain drench the parking lot.

Well, now I have to, don't I?

Goddamnit.

I sighed to which she took as a success.

"Yeah," I slowly gave in. "I'll give you a ride." Pulling out my phone to text Ally that I was going to be a little late getting home, I grabbed my jacket and started to join Rebeca out the door.

"Where do you live?" I asked, unhooking my keys from my belt loop. She told me her address as I locked my classroom door. Took about three tries before we were on our way to the teachers' parking lot.

I pressed the unlock button and made the white Honda beep twice. She slid into the passenger side seat while I went around to the driver's.

We didn't really talk the whole way there. If I tried to, it would've just been a repeat of the walk to the library. She didn't seem to be too bad, honestly. She rarely flirted, thank Jesus, but the way she sat in her seat was...distracting. She had both her legs spread; one rested against the car door, the other's knee was almost in the cup holders. Her hand dangled limply between them.

Oof.

She murmured out, "Left," when we got to a four way intersection. I took the turn and she said, "The brown house. There." Going passed four houses of no corresponding colour, I pulled into an empty parking spot rather than parallel park because then we'd die.

"Here?"

She nodded, yanking on her bookbag. She stopped to give me a strange look as she breathed out a thank you. I told her she was welcomed and waited for her to push open the door. She eventually did, but stopped when she got it open a crack and was bashed by rain. She yelped out and jerked the door shut. Her makeup was already starting to smear. She looked back at me with growing raccoon eyes.

To save her a little bit, I handed her my jacket. "Bring this back tomorrow." She reached for it then smiled at me.

"You would let me...?"

"Sure."

"Thank you," she said again, smiling bigger. It was then I was painfully reminded just how devastatingly beautiful she is. I smiled nicely back. She went for the door handle again, this time with my jacket draped over her head. She turned back one more time to smile at me before opening the door and rushing out. I waited for her to run up the steps and make it onto the porch.

Seeing she made it without tripping, I faced back towards the road, then drove off.

Ehh. Yeah, alright, isn't she.

For now.

Dun, dun, duuuuuun.

I came home to a flat full of people. Ally, Ellie, Shelby and Fabio - Wait. Michael, blah. They were sprawled out amongst the couch and floor, a big box of Papa John's pizza on the coffee table.

Ellie took a bite as she cried out happily, "Tyler's home!" I winked at her before stepping right on her to join Ally on the couch. She cried out in pain this time, rolling over onto her back. She gripped her side.

"You arsehole!" she wailed. I reached forward to pat her on the head, ruffling her hair. Shelby laughed out loudly at Ellie's scowl, pausing to take a bite of her pizza, then started laughing again.

Ellie snapped, "Oh, yeah. Love you too, babe. NOT."

Shelby bent over to give her a kiss on the cheek.

"Not as much as I love you..." She drifted her eyes up at me, beginning to smile. "...Tyler." I blew her a kiss while Ellie's mouth hung agape in fake betrayal.

"Oh, whatever!" she shouted. "Why don't you two go fuck again, eh?"

I shot up from the couch, causing Ally to fall face first where my butt previously was. As she groaned, I went for Shelby's hand. "Round two," I declared in Ellie's glaring face. Shelby laughed again, high-fiving me instead of taking my hand to help her up.

We did our secret handshake (fist bump, jellyfish, then explosion) and I sat back down next to Ally. Ally leaned to look passed me at Michael. She said, "Oh, Michael. What's it like being alone?" The room laughed. His was sarcastic.

"Oh, ha-ha. I won't be alone for long. Damien's coming over soon." Ah, yes. He's dating Damien. Weird, right? And Shelby's getting married to my sister. Ally and I are...uh...questionable.

Aaannd...what else is there? Oh, right. Shelby and I did it - we'll get to that later, Then obviously, Ally and I did it too.

Man. I'm a slut.

Soon Damien did come over and then everyone had a make-out buddy. Seriously. The only ones who weren't making out were Ally and I, surprisingly. I don't know why; we're usually the ones who start the competition.

We ultimately grew tired of all the tonsil hockey being played in front of us and ditched them for my room where we cuddled with Baby on my bed and watched Weeds, then went on Netflix and watched a few episodes of Orange is the New Black and American Horror Story. And since we've already seen all of AHS, we banged a few times.

Like, really. This girl is perfect.

I just wonder if what it'd be like if we actually started dating. Would we still be the same or would everything change? It was a weird thought I try to keep myself from thinking, but always do. I know she does too. We talk about it sometimes, but never do anything about it.

I'm alright with that.

I hope she is.

***

##  CHAPTER FOUR --

\---

\--

-

Ally and I have had sex five times tonight and I'm still not satisfied. This, my friends, is a sign of bad fortune. I swear. Last time I got like this, I slept with Shelby. Two times. In one day. While she and my sister were 'talking.'

They've obviously made up since then, but I still feel pretty shitty about it.

Ally collapsed down on the bed beside me. Her hand went over to cover her heart and she stared up at the ceiling, smiling faintly. She was panting hard and laughed out my name when I tried to lay on top of her again, needing more.

"Tyler," she said against my lips, starting push me off. "I'm tired."

I pressed myself back down. "One more time." She pulled back to look at me, putting a hand loosely on the side of my neck. "Just one more." She bit her lip but tipped her chin up to kiss me in a way that told me 'okay,' spreading her legs so I could fall right in between, going inside her for the sixth time.

I groaned when she tightened around me, moaning softly. I started to pump slowly.

She felt so good.

Our breathing quickly grew louder and her head shifted to rest between my neck and shoulder. She lightly bit down on my neck, hands gripping my shoulders.

She moaned again, uttering, "More," which meant more of everything.

I quickened my pace and thrusted harder. Her legs wrapped around my torso and she groaned quietly. "Faster," she whispered, her mouth finding that one spot on my neck. Her tongue circled and flicked against my skin. I started to close my eyes letting the wonderful feeling spread all over my body. I moaned a bit, going quicker just like she wanted. I became aware of the bed creaking under us.

I blinked to see she had tipped her head back, her eyes fluttering shut. I took both her hands and pinned them down onto the mattress, pushing her legs open wider. My hand went to grip onto her neck roughly. A whimper fell out of her mouth and she opened her eyes to stare into mine. Her mouth hung open, gasping, and she moaned again.

Hearing her moan was the most satisfying sound, and seeing her naked under me was insane. I remember the first time we got close to having sex: four months into the school year, on her desk during lunch. We finally did it two months later in her room. Nothing about her has changed; she's just as good now as she was then. She's feels just right. Perfect.

The intense memory is what eventually brought me over the edge and I abruptly jerked away from her, pulling out. "Oh, fuck. " Her back arched and she moaned when I came on her stomach. I dropped my head back, squeezing every last drop out onto her, and tried to savour the feeling, but it didn't last as long as it used to. A haze of gloom darkened my mind seconds after. A feeling I loathed, but couldn't stop from getting lately.

Ally got my attention back when she slowly took her index finger and dragged in across her stomach before dipping it into her mouth. She had a small smile that stayed even after she tugged lightly on her bottom lip again. I knew she hadn't came yet, so after I matched her smile, I bent down, pushing her onto her side, laying behind her. She draped her leg over mine and I pressed inside her again, moving fast.

Her moans came out short and quick with each thrust. I watched her eyes glide shut as she slanted her head back once more, resting next to mine. She inhaled sharply, mouth falling open to let out a shaky moan. She took another sharp intake of breath, clasping her hand under her knee, bringing her leg up.

I could feel her tighten around me and knew she was getting close. I went faster, biting down on her shoulder blade. She quietly moaned, tiling her head to the side, lips clashing eagerly with mine. Her moans grew louder and louder until one finally broke the sound barrier.

Her hand searched desperately for something to grab onto. She snaked it around my neck and into my hair, grabbing a handful. Her hips jerked forward as the loud moan came out. Being overwhelmed by her orgasm, her eyes rolled back before squeezing shut. She circled her hips wildly before gradually slowing them down as she finished.

|*|

She fell back onto the bed with a relaxed sigh. I pulled out of her and she shifted to have her back facing me. I bent my arm under hers and over her hip, bringing her in for a hug.

I love you is what I wanted to say, but it wouldn't come out. I don't even know if I feel it completely. It just felt like the right thing to say to her.

I went with a soft kiss of her neck, making her smile. We laid there a little longer in silence until she asked, "Done?" Though I still had the lingering feeling of being discontent, I knew it was destined to stay no matter how many times I tried to satisfy it.

I nodded, sighing out, "For now."

Our long night finally came to an end minutes later when we both drifted asleep, exhausted.

-

The seven hours of this so-called 'sleep' zipped by, leaving me to feel massively tired when I was awoken around five by Ally sitting up. My eyes wouldn't let me open them so I couldn't be bothered to. I waited for her to fall back down onto the mattress and then poke me as a way to wake me up, but she didn't.

Instead she sighed, lying back.

The room went quiet.

The way she sighed made me slowly open my eyes. From the outline of her nose, I knew she was looking up at the ceiling. I shifted slightly to see what she might've been staring at and saw nothing. I looked at her as she blinked a few times, continuing to stare up.

Suddenly, she whispered, "Tyler?"

I didn't answer her right away on account of I was having a small heart attack. Speaking over my startled heartbeat, I said, "Yeah?" She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. I waited for her to respond and after a sigh she did.

"Am I...the same?"

"What do you mean?" I asked confused. She gulped before turning her head towards me.

"You know...do I feel different? Am I not good...anymore?"

Oh. I get it now. I reached for her arm, making her slide closer to me. I gave her a quick peck on the nose. "You're perfect," I whispered, cupping her chin. "Amazing." She had smiled faintly when I kissed her nose, but it dropped when I asked, "Why would even you think that?"

She pulled away to avert her eyes from me. She stammered out, "It's just before it wouldn't take this much to..." She searched for the right word and chuckled slightly, saying, "...satisfy you. You're usually good after two times, but...last night..." Her sentence trailed off as she pouted, glancing up at the ceiling again. "And when you were like that last time and the time before, you ditched me for, like, a week..."

Her eyes went to mine.

She asked - somewhat fearfully - "Are you getting tired of me?"

"No, no," I assured her quickly, though part of me said yes. We've been together for five (four?) years; that's monumental for me. I don't know if you remember a small detail about me. In case you don't, let me remind you - certified sex addict since I was fourteen.

I'm really shocked we made it this far, honestly. Yeah, I like her and she's my friend with benefits, so she's there when I want sex, but there's always going to be a want for someone new. Just for a little bit. That explains Shelby and I back in high school and a few random girls throughout the years.

She doesn't know about any of them.

And the reason I 'ditch' her for about a week is, honestly, because of guilt. We're not dating, but sometimes I feel like I'm cheating on her. I don't like lying to her, but I didn't want to upset her. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. But all in all, she shouldn't be upset over anything. She knows we're not in a real, committed relationship so I can do whoever I want - as can she, though I don't think she is.

I decided to fuel her ego.

"You're just so good, baby. I want you so much."

"Really?" She still spoke softly and with a little doubt. When I nodded, kissing her gently on the lips, she seemed to relax. Her hand lightly brushed over the raised scar on my face, but what she said didn't relate to it.

"I was just paranoid," she muttered before laughing to herself, saying, "I'm such an idiot."

"Yeah."

"Thanks."

"Mmhmm." I leaned down to give her another kiss on the forehead. Her eyes drifted shut and she sighed. She craned her neck to her right, hand fumbling for her phone. She clicked the lock button, wincing when the blinding light stunned us both. The time read 5:47.a.m.

She pushed it under pillow and sighed, looking up at me.

"I should go shower; you came on my stomach, remember?"

"Oh." I rolled off of her to give her space to get up. "Right." She laid there a few seconds before grunting as she sat up. She scooted on her naked bum to the foot of the bed, climbing off.

She stopped to pet Baby on the top of her head, making kissy sounds, though she was obviously asleep.

Getting to my closed door, she slowly opened it, sticking her head out its gap. No one left last night. I don't think so, anyway. I had woken up in the middle of the night and tripped over Ellie's lifeless body on my way to the kitchen.

The coast must've been clear or Ally felt daring as she bolted out the door into the dark hallway. The bathroom light flipped on and I got a few glimpses at her before she shut its door.

I laid in bed for a few minutes until I heard the water turn on.

Not feeling as tired as before, I decided to get up and go out into the kitchen for something to drink. I tried my best to make it through the minefield of sleeping bodies, but wound up stepping on someone's wrist.

They groaned and just by that I knew it was Shelby.

She grumbled, bringing her hand to her chest, "Dude, what the fuck?" Apparently my response wasn't that important to her. She rolled back over to wrap an arm around Ellie's waist. Ellie was too dead asleep to feel Shelby's hug and snored loudly instead. That made Shelby scoff, slapping her little manicured hand against Ellie's sleeping head.

Must've been numb, too. Ellie didn't react at all.

I bit back my laugh and tip-toed my way around them, not having to bother with Damien and Michael. They snuggled on the couch.

My bare feet cringed when I stepped onto the freezing cold flooring of my flat's tiny kitchen. I ended up hopping over to the fridge, obtaining a Propel. It was just as cold so I ran over to set it on the dining room table.

I sat down in one of the four chairs - and guess what. That bitch was like the Arctic Ocean. My boxers did nothing to stop the immense cold, but I was suddenly too tired to care. I cracked open my drink and took a sip.

The sound of the running shower was oddly relaxing and I dropped my head down on the table, closing my eyes. They snapped open when someone cursed. Didn't have to look up to know it was Shelby.

She has a very...unique voice. Much like a ghetto valley-girl.

She hissed, pulling a chair out to sit down in, "Why is it so fucking cold in this house?" I sluggishly brought my head up to smirk at her.

"Still used to the fiery temperatures of Hell, I see."

She gave me her middle finger with a big smile. Her face suddenly fell and her eyes grew wide.

"Holy shit!" she said, her smile coming back. I quickly sat up and looked around me.

"What?" I asked, starting to panic. "There's not a spider or something, is there?" She went to say, 'Holy shit' again, but I snapped, "What, Shelby? Don't fuck with me; what is it?" She started laughing insanely and pointed her finger to me.

"Your neck, that's what."

My neck? Oh, god.

My hands flew up to my neck. I felt around for any bumps, hoping if anything it'd be goitre. There was nothing but smooth skin. That only meant hickeys. Not a good thing. Especially since they're from Ally. She goes all out.

I hopped up from my chair and bolted to the bathroom, not caring that I stepped on Ellie and whacked my hand against Damien's head when I passed the couch. I ignored their whines and knocked once on the bathroom door.

Ally shouted, "What?"

I pushed my way in and anxiously looked into the mirror, my jaw dropping at my reflection. Big - and I mean big \- dark purple and slightly blue slabs of skin covered most of my neck and some of my chest. There were random specks of clear skin poking out, but not enough.

I have to work today - in front of about two hundred high schoolers. How was I going to cover this up?

I gaped, "Oh, fuck."

Again, Ally asked, "What?" but didn't bother to check as Shelby ran into the bathroom. She stood at my side with a huge smile.

"That's impressive," she said, putting her hands on my shoulders. She laughed to Ally, "Good work, dear; you've doomed him."

Finally, Ally yanked the drapes back a few inches.

Wiping shampoo out of her eye, she asked, "What do you mean?" She stopped and gawked at me.

"Holy shit," she said in disbelief. "What happened?"

"You," I just about snarled, motioning to my neck. "Do see what you did?"

Shelby interjected with, "You look like you've been attacked by a cougar." Ah. Everyone's favourite joke. I flipped her off and she licked my finger. Not your average reaction, but for her it is.

She went on to laugh again.

"This happened last night, didn't it? You guys were so loud; the neighbours came over to ask if someone was getting murdered - I'm not kidding. Okay, maybe a little..."

Ally ripped the curtains shut with an "Oh, my God." Shoving Shelby, I went back to my freak-out, moving my face inches away from the mirror.

"What am I supposed to do about this?"

Shelby was for once heaven-sent. She put that notorious smile on her face and grinned at me. "Got you covered, lover." I was pushed down by her onto the lid of the toilet seat while Ally grabbed her towel and wrapped it around herself, stepping out of the bath. Shelby had gotten her purse from the living room and took out a weird circular disk type thing.

Either make-up or birth control.

I'm guessing make-up because she popped the lid and rubbed its brush around in circles before grinning at me again. Ally stood at her side and watched her seemingly succeed at covering up all the hickeys.

Ally took a step back. "Huh," she said, giving Shelby a round of applause. "That went just as expected. You can still see them plain as day, but 'A' for effort." My eyes widened and I pushed them both away from me, going up to the mirror again.

Okay. Not a good job. As Ally said, they were still amazingly prominent. I wanted to cry. I whipped around and scowled at their smirking faces. I snapped my index finger to my neck.

"I'm going to kill myself."

"It's not that bad," Ally tried to defend Shelby, but her face told me it was. "Take a sick day."

Are hickeys really worth taking a sickie?

I didn't even have to think about it. Yes. Yes, they were.

We joined the now awake Ellie, Damien and Michael. I ignored them as they laughed their asses off and walked passed them into the kitchen, going to my contacts on my mobile. I found the school's, clicking on it.

And here commences my shit lie. I told Sharon \- the nice lady at the main office - that I was feeling out of it. Simple as that. I could almost hear her frown as she said, "Oh, that's terrible. Well, I hope to see you tomorrow, feeling better than ever."

I laughed out a, "Ditto," and then a goodbye, hanging up. I stormed off to my room, flipping off everyone in the living room when they laughed.

I fell on my bed - onto Baby - with a frustrated sigh.

Then remembered something.

Oh, crap, shit, no. (Blink 182 song?) I was supposed to get my jacket back from Beck-o today. What if she forgets it now and I never get it back?

God. Today is rubbish.

Ally soon came back into the room to change her clothes after everyone else left. She tried making small-talk with me. Request denied.

"Oh, come on," she laughed, climbing up next to me on the bed. I turned my back to her, pulling the comforter over my head.

"Bugger off," was my muffled retort. She laughed again, giving me a quick kiss through the blanket. I felt the bed shift as she got up and the closet door open. The way she was going to pay me back for dooming me like this was simple. I uncovered my head and watched her change from her towel to a pair of denim jeans and a grey ruffle shirt.

Hah. Take that.

Wait. I can do this anytime I want.

Damnit.

Oh well.

I was soon left alone in my flat after the clock struck seven. Ally gave me a quick kiss before leaving me.

Immediately falling to boredom, I sat up and flipped on the TV to SpongeBob. After an hour of that, I was bored again. Daytime telly sucks bum. So I got up and rummaged through our 'guest' bedroom - aka the room where all our junk goes to die. There were boxes upon boxes of crap I haven't thought of in years.

I grabbed one of them and flipped it open to find books. Normal things like the Bible and Stephen King laid side-by-side. I dug through that one a bit, but wasn't pleased by it. I took a break and went back to my room, masturbated, then sat back down, grabbing another box.

Most of my day is this, just so you know. After each box I went through, if nothing in it peaked my curiosity, I wanked for funsies.

One box, though, did catch my attention. In it laid several folders with stacks of paper in them.

I murmured out, "Well, damn," when I flipped one of them open and then another. They all contained works I wrote for my Creative Writing class. How convenient.

Hmm. Which one shall I bore you with? One that pertains slightly to what's going on now maybe? I guess I could finally tell you how I got my scar on my face, 'cause you gotta learn everything about me at some point. It's painfully interesting. I cried like a bitch when it happened, so maybe you will by reading it.

Doubt it, but here we go.

-

Tyler Williams

Mrs. Orr

Creative Writing p.6

Thursday, October 15, 2011

Chelsea Grin

At the sound of my mother letting out another ear piercing cry, I dug my face into my dog's neck, making her whimper quietly. I wanted to help her, but I was seven; there was nothing I could do. I stayed in room while they fought in the kitchen, something that has grown to be normal, but still made my heart drop every time.

She yelled something at him again and I could hear his punch land on the side of her face. She fell quiet while he took over, shouting incoherently.

From beside me, a low growl came from my dog, Kraken. The protective side of her was starting to overtake her as she stood up on all fours. Another low growl resonated in the pit of her throat. I hooked a finger under her collar, telling her to stay, but she didn't listen.

She suddenly tore away from me, barrelling off my bed and out my open door.

I could feel my stomach plummet to the ground and I hopped up from my bed, chasing after her. Her legs took her faster and she made it into the kitchen first. I stepped foot into the living just in time to see the pit bull get kicked square in the stomach. She yelped, falling back.

A knot formed in my throat and I made a dash for her, kneeling down to pet her as she whimpered. Normally she was a very resilient dog, but when he abused her, she wouldn't stand a chance. My head shot up in shock when there was a loud bang against the wall. My father stood in the walkway of the kitchen and the living room, feet away from me. His pocket knife in his grip.

I looked past him to see my mum, crouching on the ground between where two counters met. Her head was in her hands. I saw her shoulders quiver as she let out a loud, shaky cry. I noticed her knuckles were slightly red and scrapped just like her arms. Where there weren't bruises there were cuts and burns she put on herself. Even at seven, I knew what she was doing. I understood why she would do that to herself. I wasn't an idiot.

I frowned at the proof of how unhappy she really was and how there was truly nothing I could do.

My father's voice boomed into my ears.

"Why you lookin' so sad, boy?

My mouth trembled to answer him or at least attempt to smile, but my mum had looked up when he said 'boy.' Her red, bloodshot eyes averted to me and she frowned. Not getting an answer from me, he took a few steps forward, flicking out the blade of his pocket knife. I flinched back.

"You never smile," he said, pointing it at me. "After all I've done for you..."

"Leave him alone." We both stared disbelievingly at my mum. She whispered tearfully, "Just leave him alone."

His fist hit the wall, making my mum and I jump. She cowered back when he turned towards her, directing the blade at her. "You shut your mouth or I'll kill you both." Her head fell into her hands again and she didn't say anything back at first.

Then her voice cracked when she whispered, "Just stop..."

I looked to my father. His eyes were narrowed at her then suddenly they flashed to me. His hand sprang forward to grip my shoulder. He clasped down roughly and tugged me up in front of him. He hooked an arm around my throat, pulling me straight up off the ground. My legs swung violently, feet longing to touch the ground. My foot knocked against his leg and he grasped a hand over my chin. My hands went up to pry his hands away, but that made him tighten his hold.

I could feel the air in my throat get cut off momentarily and I gasped.

My mum's head came back up and her shoulders shook when she held back another cry.

"Let him go." She tried to sound strong, but her voice cracked again. She was too scared to get up and stop him. The darkening bruise on the side of her face was what held her back. His grip tightened even more and I choked. He took the opportunity of my mouth began open to stick the blade of his pocketknife to the edge of my mouth.

It was cold and tasted like rust. This wasn't a sharp, clean blade. Dull blades make the nastiest wounds.

I held back a cry.

My mum cried out again for him to stop. He smirked at her before jerking me down. I could feel the blade pull my skin back, but not enough to cut. I still grunted, knowing what he was planning on doing.

Then...he did it.

He pushed his forearm hard against my throat and, in the split second I yelped in pain, he ripped the blade back. A huge jolt of pain made me lose my sight for a few seconds. I felt it tear through my skin; the insane burning sensation was overwhelming making me cry out again, this time for my mum.

A mixture of cool blood and tears filled my mouth and dripped down my chin. He ripped the blade back again when I screamed and then one more time. I don't know what was louder: my mum as she wailed at him, me screaming in absolute agony, my dog barking and snarling at him or the sound of my flesh tearing against the dull blade. Everything was so loud and earsplitting.

My dog ran to bite at him only to get kicked again - harder this time. She hit the corner of the wall and fell lifelessly to the ground. The amount of times he's hit her and kicked made her weaker than she should ever be. I didn't know it then, but that killed her.

She literally fell lifelessly to the ground.

The blade was finally yanked from my mouth and I dropped it closed. The two now separate flaps of skin collided with each other and another shock of pain rang through me. I cried again, slowly opening my mouth, though my jaw was in immense pain. I could feel my heart beating through it.

I stupidly thought it was over, but he quickly let go of me long enough so he could have his hand be the thing gripping my neck. His fingers spread and he placed the blade at an angle against my throat.

I actually hoped he was going to kill me.

Instead he pushed down hard enough to break the skin. He yanked the blade back again. Pain was the only thing my mind was letting me comprehend. A wave of something cold cascaded down my neck and onto my chest.

Blood.

He loosened his grip and I fell to the ground. I couldn't move and didn't even bother to. Sound had gone away some time ago to me and was slowly coming back. My ears tensed at the sound of screaming. My mum was crawling towards me, sobbing wildly. I think what scared me the most was that I was gradually losing the ability to feel the pain anymore. My jaw still shook and quivered, but I was numb as to why.

My mum had leaned down to drop her head onto my shoulder. I didn't realise she had picked me up to hold me. Her hand was clasped around my neck to try and stop the bleeding. We both knew that was useless.

She was sobbing right into my ear. I recall being annoyed by how loud she was.

My eyes sluggishly slid to see the door to the garage close behind my father as he left the house.

Just like that. He didn't even care about what he just did.

I tried to tell my mum I was alright, that we'd be alright, but the blood gurgled in my throat, hindering me. I coughed and sent a pocket of blood out of my mouth.

That was the last thing I remember before I blacked out, waking up in the Emergency Room hours later.

\---

\---

\---

So there you have it. I'm the Joker.

***

##  CHAPTER FIVE --

*

"Tyler."

I leaned back into my chair and let my eyes flicker up to the front of the French room. Miss McClain stood near the whiteboard, a purple dry eraser marker in her hand. Seeing she had my attention, she gestured to the board.

"Come up here and translate this sentence."

I focused on the neat purple words that read: Elle veut se marier au printemps.

A certain situation going down under kept me in seat. I took a deep breath and let it out, saying, "I can't."

From around me, my fellow classmates snickered while McClain laughed shortly. "Why not?" she asked, raising her brow. It drooped as a thought dawned on her. But it wasn't the right one.

She added with a slight hinting tone, "Tired?"

Yes, but no. I live to impress this girl. Getting up there and proving I paid attention to what she taught us was my goal every day. I'd participate in this class even if I was dead tired. Even if didn't know what she wanted me to translate - which I did.

It read 'She wants to get married in the Spring.'

No. My issue was something I wanted just her to see. Not the entire class.

The room sat waiting for my excuse, so after giving McClain a brief look-over - the true reason why - I told them.

I said flatly, "I have a boner."

The class erupted into loud laughs. Her eyes widened and I saw them give a quick glimpse to the area. She pushed out a small laugh.

"Seriously?"

I skidded my chair back and motioned to it. There was a slight bulge making itself known. In case she didn't see, I smirked. "Wanna check for yourself?" The class laughed louder. McClain tried to hold back her smile, but it still came through.

Her eyes zipped back up to my face and she said, "No, I believe you."

Though I was bummed she didn't say yes, I scooted back in. After the laughter died down, she translated the sentence herself, then handed out tonight's homework.

Ugh. The only thing I wanted to do tonight was her. How dare she give me this?

Nonetheless, I folded the white sheet of paper two times before stuffing it into my Nike drawstring backpack.

We had a few minutes to waste before first period ended, so I got up and dragged a chair along with me over to her desk. Upon hearing it drop to the ground, only a few feet away from her, McClain twisted her swivel chair around to face me.

"May I help you?" she asked, grinning up at me. As I took a seat, I gave a smile to her and the few people who had their eyes on me. I do this every day. They should be used to it by now.

"Just wanted to say hi," I told her, leaning to rest my chin on my hand.

"Well, hello," she said laughing, giving her attention to the little Post-it note she had in front of her. On it were the names of people who neglected to turn in last night's homework. I was not one of those people. Her class is the only class I give a consistent effort with involving homework and such.

Good grades mean impressing her - and I don't know if you've noticed, but impressing people and making them proud to know me is something I strive for daily. Well - it's not a set goal, but more of a side mission.

Plus, I really wanted to do her.

No, she wouldn't be the first teacher I slept with, but...I don't know. I didn't care about the others as much as I did about her. Maybe because I have told her so much about my life. She's close to knowing everything about me.

All but the abuse. I've told her some stuff about it, but she thinks it's all in the past.

She'll figure it out soon.

McClain was interrupted by the bell and her little story about her cat and its bad smelling pee got cut short. I waited for the class to clear out before getting up to put the chair back where I got it from.

I made my way over to the door, saying "Je t'aime."

She smiled and said, "Backattcha." I blew her a kiss to which she laughed at before dunking out to Study Hall.

Shelby wasn't here today. Rubbish. Ellie and her have yet to start dating, thank God.

Because we did it.

I know. I know. I'm a terrible person, but...I can't help it. Seriously. I have major problems.

It was great, though, the sex.

We were intending to just hang out and go to Tokyo Peking - a Chinese take-out restaurant - as 'best buds,' then hang out at her house for a bit...and ended up totally nixing the food, going straight to her house to bang.

Eh. I got to eat, regardless.

Ha. That was an oral sex joke.

Anyway. After French, the next four lessons flew by. Fifth meant Ellie and we spent the whole class ogling over McClain. I told her about popping a boner and it hindering me from participating in class.

She laughed so loud my ears ached afterwards. The entire room turned to stare at us, taking a break from the powerpoint. Ellie suppressed her laugh into a snort, waving at them to turn around.

She murmured a sorry to Mr. Yunker. After giving us a stern look, he turned back to the slide in front of him. A blank map of Asia stared back at me and I knew that meant a Geography test over it soon.

Great.

Ellie leaned towards to me to laugh quietly.

"Did she like what she saw?" she asked, cracking out a short and loud laugh. She beamed when everyone turned back to her. Not helping the situation at all, I smirked and said my lame joke.

"She was drooling," I changed my voice into an old, feeble grampa. I wheezed out, "If you know what I mean."

Mr. Yunker snapped at Ellie one more time when she couldn't contain her insane laughter, earning her a morning detention. I dug my face into my arm to subdue my cackle or 'otherwise I'd be joining her.' We were forced to spend the rest of the class on separate sides of the room, but that didn't stop us from looking at each other every so often to laugh.

God. I love my sister...I say even though I slept with the girl she has a massive crush on.

Man.

I hate myself.

Once the bell rang, signalling this awful class to be over, Ellie and I were reunited, but not for long. Ellie and Damien made it to the café ages before me, because I had stopped by McClain's room beforehand to inform her that I was going to be joining her for lunch.

She had laughed, but said she wouldn't mind that. I winked at her before backing out of her room.

I stood slouching in the long lunch line, suddenly dead tired like always. The time I spent standing seemed to drag longer than it normally does. That gave me time to think about how much of a horrible person I am.

I eyed Ellie as she sat in our usual spot, a round red table in between two rectangular fake granite tables. She was grinning and laughing, Shelby at her side. I guess Shelby did make it to school today. I made I mental note to ask her where she was.

Just then, Shelby went to take a sip from her Dole fruit punch and the table broke out laughing when it dribbled down her chin.

The dentist.

I started to smile, but at the sight of Ellie and Shelby laughing in each other's faces, I stopped. They would be really happy together - which is great, don't get me wrong; I don't like Shelby like that at all, actually, but...I slept with her.

The amount of guilt I felt made me feel hallow inside.

I wanted to tell Ellie. She should know - especially if they're going to date.

I hope she doesn't hate me for it.

Before I knew it, the line moved about twenty feet up and the lunch lady was handing me a tray.

Geez, that was fast.

I started down at the mountain of carbs and starches: a Bosco pizza stick with a side mashed potatoes with turkey gravy and corn. I gave the lunch lady a nice smile. She grinned back at me, telling me I needed a yogurt to go with the Bosco stick. I took a peach, punching in my school ID number.

I grabbed pointless items of food to fill my tray that were just going to wind up in the trash regardless. Reaching the front of the line, I waited for the other lunch lady to ring up my food. Instead of hearing her say I was good to go, she scrunched her mouth.

"You don't have enough money."

I dropped my gaze down to my tray. I picked up the peach yogurt and said, "I'll just take this." But she shook her head, a clicking sound coming from her mouth.

"You don't have any money, actually."

Great. I heaved a sigh, handing her back my tray. I cracked a smile, taking the few steps until I was meters away from the doorway.

"It would've been nice to know that yesterday."

I dropped my smile, walking out into the roaring cafeteria. Mid-way to the door, I heard my name being slurred loudly. I looked to see Shelby with her arm hooked over Ellie's shoulder. They both had big smiles on and were directing them right at me.

Ignoring Shelby's greeting, I hollered, "Boo! Read the Bible!" with my middle finger raised, hoping the assistant principal didn't see. Mr. Emerick and a few random teachers stayed naïve at their little reserved teacher's table, stuffing their faces with food.

Shelby and Ellie smiled at me and I fed them the gesture back, dropping it when I was fully out of the cafeteria.

My mood was lifted when I made it to the foreign language hallway. I turned into my desired destination. McClain sat at her desk, her lunch of Lean Cuisine already cooked and halfway eaten.

Noticing that I didn't have a tray with me, she frowned.

"Where's your food?"

"Apparently I don't have any lunch money," I informed her in a loud, scratchy voice. An annoyed mocking of the lunch lady. She was a nice lady, yeah, but why didn't she tell me yesterday? I pulled a chair over to sit in and leaned against McClain's desk. I sighed, dropping my head into my arms momentarily. I cranked my head back up to force a smile at her when she asked if I wanted some of her lunch.

I pretended to consider her kind gesture, giving a look into the black plastic container. Her usual lunch of spinach artichoke ravioli. Looked and smelled great, but - ugh. The thought of eating, heh, *food* wasn't all that appealing at the moment.

I mentally cursed at my mum, but knew if I had been more self-assured growing up, I wouldn't be like this at all. It was my own fault for letting my constant need of acceptance to take me this far.

I shook my head at her, saying, "Nah. I had a big breakfast."

"You sure?"

I nodded, dropping my backpack to the floor.

"Absolutely positive. Thanks, though."

She smiled lightly at me, going back to eating her food, though more slowly than before. I wondered if eating around me made her 'nervous' or whatever. I don't like eating around people; it makes me feel disgusting, honestly.

I swear I can feel all eyes on me when I eat. It's the absolute worst - but apparently everyone fucking feels like that, so guess who ain't that special of a snowflake. Yours truly.

Not wanting to make her uncomfortable, I tilted my head to look out the window. There were small specks of snow falling fast outside. The entire school yard was covered with it. It was November now, getting to December in four days. I brought up a trip I was going to be taking soon.

"New York is going to be crazy freezing."

She looked up and nodded with me. "Aren't you excited? You get to see your friend." Two weeks of Christmas break; I was going to spend it visiting my friend from Oregon. He moved a month after I left. I nonchalantly shrugged, though I was happy to see him again; he was my best mate after all. Plus, New York. It's gonna be awesome. But it'll be my first time travelling alone. I hope it goes as planned.

I glanced around the room at all the posters she had hung up. One caught my attention and I laughed. It was a picture of a cat hanging from a tree that said Accrochez-vous!

'Hang in there!'

That reminded me of a recent discovery and I said, "Oh," dropping my arm right over McClain's. She was initially startled and stared at me with her eyes wide. I mumbled out a sorry, taking my arm back over to me.

She laughed, "It's okay. What?"

I began to smirk. "I figured out how to say some stuff in French."

"Really? Like what?"

"Well, one..." I sat up straight, only to slouch back. I said it slowly to ensure I'd get it right. "J'ai envie de faire pipi." She actually snorted at me, but translated the sentence into English.

"You have to pee?" she said with a big smile. I nodded.

"And - le singe est sur la branche."

When she narrowed her eyes me, I laughed. She muttered, sticking a ravioli into her mouth, "Alright, Eddie Izzard. Anything else?"

My smirk grew as I said, "Vous êtes chaud. Obtenez dans mon lit." I've been practicing this one, so it came out fluently. She stared after me, her brows crinkling in confusion. Then her mouth hung open.

"Chaud – mon lit ? Tyler," she giggled out, reaching forward to slap my hand. "That's inappropriate."

"So?" I laughed, playfully slapping her back. "You are hot; get in my bed."

She bit back her smile and went back to eating, finishing the last ravioli. She suddenly stood, going over to the rubbish bin, placed right by the door. She plopped her trash into the bin, giving me a quick slanted look.

"Nope," she said, padding over to the closet.

I watched her pull it open, taking her purse out. A water bottle. She cracked the lid off and tipped it back.

"No?" I said as she twisted the cap back on, dropping it back into her purse. She nodded, gulping it down. I noticed her cheeks were starting to get rosy.

"Why not?" I went on. "We've known each other for about four months. That's long enough."

She stayed on the other side of the room, her arms crossed over her chest after she tucked a few strands of that dirty blonde hair back behind her ear. Her side bang fell perfectly over her eye. "That doesn't mean anything," she said, finally moving over to the whiteboard. She picked up an eraser, though there was nothing to clean off.

"You're a student," she added. "I'm your teacher."

"So?" I said again, letting my eyes drift up and down her petite body. She was so irresistible. She saw and her cheeks got redder. She quickly turned to face to board, dragging its eraser over it.

"So," she echoed. "I'm not a cougar." I waited for her to put the eraser down and she did, walking slowly back over to her desk. She began rearranging the folders and stacks of paper.

She was nervous.

Good.

"You're in your twenties; it's not like you're fifty. It's not gross."

"But it is inappropriate," she said, reaching over to the other side of her desk to grab a mint. My eyes fixed on her butt. She was wearing dark denim skinny jeans. I recognised the faint outlining of her underwear and wondered what they looked like. Her green short-sleeved shirt inched up her back as she stretched to grab the plastic container of Tic Tacs.

I shifted to lean on my other arm and took a quick peek down the front of her shirt, spotting the light grey material of her bra.

My jaw tightened and a brush of excitement tingled down my spine, pushing an involuntary smirk across my face.

I gave a fleeting look to the clock and saw there was still about twenty minutes before lunch was over. Twenty minutes to be alone with her. I glanced away and saw she was looking at me, her hand clasped over her chest to seal her shirt down onto her chest.

"My eyes are up here," she reminded me with a raised brow. I smiled back at her.

"I know." I got up and gave her another cheeky smile when her head turned to follow me as I went over to the door to close it.

"Tyler," she warned at the sound of it clicking shut. I smiled innocently, coming back over to where she was, stopping inches away. She edged herself back, almost sitting on her desk.

She breathed out an uneasy breath. "What are \- ?"

I took her chin between my index finger and thumb, tipping it up towards me. Her hazel eyes widened but fluttered shut when I connected my lips with hers. That wave of excitement fled through me again, followed by a feeling of warmth and contentment.

Her hands almost instantly went to lace through my hair while mine closed around her hips.

I let one of my hands roam free, drifting lightly up her side and onto her warm cheek. Hooking my hands on the back of her legs, I lifted her slightly so she sat on her desk. I could feel her smile, but she didn't stop me. I pushed myself up against her, hands gripping the edge of the desk.

I started to get a very nice tingling sensation, one I felt this morning in her class, and grinded up against her again. When I started to get rougher, she placed a hand on my chest, pushing me away gently. I tried desperately to keep the kiss going, but she also pulled her lips away each time.

She blinked up at me with devious eyes. They took a glimpse down at the growing bulge and she bit her lip, shaking her head.

"I think that was enough."

But I wanted more. I shook my head right back at her, going to close in on her lips, mumbling, "Nowhere near enough." She let me give her two brief kisses before she laughed, pulling back again.

"This isn't right," she said, smiling when I continued kissing her, this time her neck. Her head tilted back and I knew she didn't want me to stop.

"That doesn't mean we can't."

She unfortunately pulled further back to meet my eyes. She laughed, "That's exactly what it means. I'm your teach -" I stopped her there.

"No, you know what - I'm done hearing that. Do you think I give a single fuck?"

"Hey, no cussing."

"Shut up. I want you. Don't you want me?"

Her cheeks started getting pinker - if possible - and she averted her eyes away from me. She breathed out a shaky breath, biting her bottom lip before looking back up at me.

Another quivery exhale as she whispered, "Y-yes."

"Then prove it."

And that she did. She slowly curved her arms around my neck, hooking her fingers together. She tipped her chin up and locked her mouth onto mine.

I wanted to lay her on her desk and fuck her, but didn't want to mess up all the organisation she just did. I gripped my hands under her legs again, picking her up. Her legs wrapped around me and she let me carry her to the other side of her desk. I gently placed her in her chair, taking my lips from hers.

I smirked as she pouted. To keep her happy, I trailed my kiss down her chin and to her neck. Her head dropped back then she pouted at me again when I stopped kissing her entirely. I brushed my fingers against the lining of her jeans and then the zipper.

Her hands flew down to cover mine and she shook her head, but still smiled.

"No," she whispered, biting that damn lip of hers.

"Not sex," I assured, fiddling with the brass button, though that was what I really wanted. I didn't have a rubber with me, anyway. She held my gaze but slowly nodded, hands going to ruffle through her hair. Her breath hitched in her throat when I unzipped her jeans to see the different variations of purple in a plaid pattern. I smiled down at her underwear.

She really likes purple, I think.

I rubbed my finger over them making her shift slightly. A small sigh came from her mouth. I inched her jeans down to her knees and then her ankles, keeping my eyes on her underwear. She kicked off her jeans quickly and let me spread her legs.

My fingers glided over the stitched seams. I dragged the tip of my index finger at varying paces to what she liked the most. She responded more to when I did it slowly.

I went to the side of her underwear and pulled it to the other side. She clearly was right to not be expecting any type of sex today, so nothing was really shaved, but, uh...I didn't care? If you're gonna let me do the sex with you, you can bet that there is absolutely no judgement when it comes to shit like that.

I reminded myself to thank her later for being so selfless and focused back on the almost naked half of her that laid in front of me. I poked the tip of my finger slowly into her and her hips buckled. She was so wet. I knew she wanted it just as much as I did. Her head fell back and she moaned quietly.

I stuck my free hand up her shirt to cup her through her bra while my head went between her legs. She clamped her hands down roughly into my hair, pushing me closer.

My tongue and finger moved faster each time. I pulled out my one finger, sliding in two.

She moaned again, but louder. I glanced up to see her eyes sown shut. Her mouth was open slightly until she bit her bottom lip yet again to hold in another moan. It came out loudly anyway.

I shushed her saying, "You have to be quiet."

Sharp intake of breath then a slow nod.

I wondered what people thought when they walked by her closed door or looked out their window into her room. Did they hear her? I wonder if they saw her grip her hair between her fingers, her head knocking back when she moaned again.

I moved faster and faster until she started to tighten around my fingers. She let out a high-pitched squeal. Something I would've totally been cool with if we weren't doing this at school. I instantly clamped my hand over her mouth, making her moans get muffled.

They turned into groans as she finally came.

I slowed my fingers and tongue down until I had stopped completely. She leaned back with her eyes closed as she tried to catch her breath.

I rested my hands on her hips, kissing her again.

This wasn't going to be last time she came for me. I was going to make sure of it.

-

PRESENT DAY

-

I reached down and grabbed my shirt from my bedroom floor and wiped my stomach with it before tossing it into the laundry hamper by my closet door. I caught sight of the hickeys that laid in my line of sight and sighed deeply, lying back down on my bed. After pulling my boxers back up, I sighed one more time, my hands going through my hair.

Yet again, I wasn't satisfied. The tenth time I've jerked today and I'm still not satisfied. I thought thinking about the first time Ally and I did anything remotely sexual would be enough, but it wasn't.

Why is this happening again? I didn't want to wind up hurting Ally by going off to screw different girls to see if maybe she was the problem.

No. Deep down I knew it was me.

I sat up to open my bedside table's drawer. Finding the little Ziplock baggie I was in search of, I grabbed it and brought it to lie in front of me. I pulled it open and fetched out an already made blunt, grabbing the lighter from my jeans which were next to me on the bed.

I lit up and took a hit, hoping that this would mellow me out enough and I would just fall asleep after eating a whole pizza by myself. I slouched back, fixing my eyes up at the ceiling. I faintly heard my telly going.

I don't even know what I was watching, but someone on the TV screamed, "MY LEG!" so I'm guessing SpongeBob. Wait, what time is it? I checked my bedside alarm clock. 2:00-something. Ally should be home soon - assuming she's coming over today.

I hope so. I needed sex big time.

Within minutes, I found myself staring blankly at the wall.

I laid there finally content.

Everything was getting blurry, so I shut my eyes for a second before opening them. The only reason I didn't keep them shut is because I was reminded of something, but after laying there in thought, the memory erased itself, leaving me to stare at the wall in confusion.

I could hear Baby's nails click and clack against the title flooring of the kitchen. I crinkled my brows, really wanted to remember what I was trying to remember.

I sighed, taking another drag, letting my mind hum out the world.

But then again...wait. What? Never mind. I forget.

My eyelids started feeling heavy; I let them drift down a bit. NO! I blinked quickly, not wanting to sleep until I remembered. But...I wanna. I'm so tired.

My vision shrunk and slanted as I let my eyes drift down completely.

They shot open at the thought of 'pizza.' Ooh. That sounds brill. But, eh. I was too tired to do anything. I took a final hit before putting the shrinking blunt down.

My stomach growled and I mentally kicked myself into a deep slumber.

-

It felt like I only slept for a second, but when I looked, I saw the clock blink 5:42pm back at me.

I angled my eyes up to stare at Ally as she cupped my face.

"Wake up," she said with a pat to my cheek. "I'm ordering pizza." I laid there in awe, watching her pick up my blunt from earlier. She lit it.

"You are such a beaut!"

She grinned at me. "I know, I know." She swatted at my legs forcing me to sit up, and she sat down. Taking a drag, she asked me how my day was.

"I jerked about a thousand times."

She nodded in consideration. "Standard, standard - are you okay?" she asked with a laugh. I shrugged, turning towards the TV. Fairy Oddparents was on now and I suddenly longed for SpongeBob.

"I want sex," I told her nonchalantly.

"Later," she promised before she realised what that meant. She said bewildered, "Again?"

I put my hands up in defence. "I'm a sick fuck," I pointed out, grabbing the blunt from her. "I'm sorry." She laughed but shook her head at me in fake dismay.

"We gotta fix this, bub. I'm gonna be limping everywhere if we have sex twenty times again in one night."

I smiled at her, saying, "Twenty-one?" When she smiled at me, still shaking her head, I tried again. "Nineteen?"

"One," she bargained. "Maybe twice, but...I'm gonna be a loosey goosey soon."

"I'm okay with that."

She took the blunt back from me. "I ain't - hey, speaking of loosey goosies, I talked to Rebeca today."

I laughed, leaning back to stare at the TV. "About what?" She showed me 'what.' She had a jacket in her grasp that I didn't realise was there. My jacket. I sat up in delight.

"She had this," Ally said, pretending like she was going to hand it to me. Inches away she yanked it back and gave me a glare. She asked, making me groan, "Why did she have this?"

I cracked a smile at her when I said, "She's a thief? Maybe we should report her to the school so they deport her back to Brazil." Getting her raised brow, I sighed and told her, "When I cancelled our little after-school 'meeting,' it was raining buckets. I had to drive her home. I let her borrow it."

"Had to?"

"More or less," I muttered, snatching my jumper from her. I held it out in front of me to give it a look-over. No food or girly stuff got on it. It had a slight stench of mildew on it from being in the rain and not immediately getting washed. I also picked up the light scent of something fruity. Blueberry, I think. Perfume. I gave it one more quick sniff before I tossed it into the laundry hamper, neglecting to see Ally's blank face.

I asked warily, "What?"

"Did anything happen?"

I answered her honestly with "Nope."

"Is that why?" she said, slouching. "Is that why you wanted sex so badly when you got home? Because you couldn't sleep with her?"

"I wanted sex with you so badly, because I like sex with you."

"Not as much as you used to," she said quietly, looking down at her hands. I didn't say anything back because it was true.

She spoke again, stammering slightly. "A-are we...done now?"

"Done?"

"You know, over. The point of friends-with-benefits is to have good sex, but if you're bored of me, only one of us is thinking it's good. Are we done?" she repeated the question quietly. I looked at her and sighed.

"I don't know," I said. "I'm not bored of you, I'm just..." I couldn't figure out how to word it, so I just stopped talking for a few seconds. I turned to her, grabbing her hand that didn't have the nub of a blunt in it. "You know that I love having sex with you...but maybe...I do need..."

"Someone new," she finished for me. "Thought so." She sighed as she asked, "Do you have anyone in mind?"

Rebeca.

Oh, god. How badly I wanted to fuck her.

Student, I had to remind myself. It's a 'no.' I wanted to keep my job and if we got caught, I'd be sure to lose it.

But, damn. I wanted her so much.

Sometimes I'll think about her during school. I thought about her a lot today. I wondered what she felt like, how her moans sounded, how good she would be. I imagined her laying face-down on my bed, naked, begging me to fuck her.

"Rebeca," Ally suddenly said in confidence. I jumped slightly and looked up at her. "You want her, don't you?"

Yes.

"No," I lied, looking back at the TV right as an ad came on. "She's a student," I added, hoping that if I said it enough, my feelings would go away, but they latched on even tighter at the thought and let me know they were weren't going anywhere. (Author: That was deep, so copyright. :P)

Ally let out a small laugh as she murmured, "That obviously doesn't mean anything to you. Look at us." I pushed an equally small laugh back at her and shrugged.

"True."

We sat in silence. It stayed like that until the doorbell rang from the living room. Ally got up to answer it and came back with a box of pizza from Papa John's. Neither of us were really hungry anymore, but ate anyway as something to do.

We didn't have sex tonight. Ally didn't even stay over. After eating, she hung around for about an hour, then said she had to get home and grade some French posters. We said our goodbyes but with no usual quick kiss.

I waited for the front door to shut before laying down in utter exhaustion. I feel asleep for a second time to the thought of Rebeca.

For our sake, I hope she keeps her distance.

Who knows what'll happen if I'm every alone with her again.

***

##  CHAPTER SIX --

\---

\--

-

I think Ally and I are okay. The few hours we spent eating pizza last night were filled with conversations, and I think we're okay now.

Sigh.

I hope so.

I took another sick day because...they're all going to laugh at me. I still have the big hickeys all over the place and absolutely nothing is covering them up. It's terrible, really.

Around ten, I woke up for a second time grumbling and mumbling. I sat up, yawned, scratched my head, and finished my slice of pizza I started around four a.m. I got to the crust and chucked it back down onto my bedside table.

I scratched my back, sitting up straight, but when my back touched the cool pillows, I drooped. Ahh. That feels nice.

I tipped my head back, uncrossing my legs. My feet kicked out and I hit something furry. The yelp told me it was Baby and I sat up quickly. She had jumped up when I accidently kicked her. Her head dropped down along with her ears as she gave me the puppy eyes.

Oh, god. I felt so bad.

I beckoned her over to me, nearly in fake tears. Her ears perched up and she trotted happily over to rest her head on my shoulder. I scratched her behind her ears and bent slightly to meet her eyes as I greeted her with an "I'm sorry I'm such a terrible person," but saw the stupid hickeys staring back up at me.

Boo.

I scowled at them and when I was about to look up, I caught sight of all the scars I've given myself over the years. I was used to seeing the ones on my arms; they don't really bother me anymore, but I rarely look at my chest and stomach, so these ones made me frown.

Baby tipped her head to look where I was looking and she dropped her head down into my lap, giving a few licks to my hand. I let out a sigh, continuing to scratch her back with my free hand.

She was there when a lot of them were being made. It legit killed me to see her tilt her head in confusion every time I got a blade out to cut with.

Sensing we both needed a distraction to lift our moods, after getting dressed, I grabbed her leash and took her on a walk down to the city park, Herrlinger. Middle of a school day, so hopefully no one to see what Ally did to me.

Just to be safe, I put on a new pullover I bought a while back.

Baby wound up dragging me just a little under a mile all the way to Herrlinger, getting us there within fifteen minutes.

I let her off her leash and watched her run loose in circles. We rarely get outside. She was ecstatic.

I took the few minutes of alone time to think...wait for it...about Ally, not Rebeca. The more I thought about Rebox the more I fucking hated her guts.

As much as I wanted to pound her, I was going to blame her for Ally and I's perfect relationship failing. True, I was already becoming unnaturally dissatisfied way before she came along, but when I saw her, it made me want to ditch Ally even more.

Ugh. I frowned at the ground. I don't want to ditch Ally.

Maybe...if we started dating - Ally and I - maybe the sex would be better, maybe I'd be more satisfied, because then it would be more...special? Eh. I really, really wanted to keep her in my life. We've invested four years together. We couldn't give up because I'm a horndog.

I would do anything to keep her, though I knew I was incapable of maintaining a monogamous relationship.

Needing another distraction, I leaned back to reach down my pocket. I had sneakily brought a pack of cigarettes with me, though I longed for a blunt. I tapped the bottom of the new pack, and tilted it to get one out. I took a cigarette between my fingers and lit it with my lighter. I inhaled until I was out of breath, welcoming the premature death I knew was to come due to my arsenal of bad habits.

Smoking an abundance of weed or cigarettes was something I unfortunately seem to do a lot when I'm about to ditch Ally. I always feel so empty and try to fill the void with drugs and nicotine. Then I realised, growing up, I had built quite the tolerance to them, so they don't give me the same effect they used to.

That's when I go off and bang anyone who will let me.

It typically takes about two one night stands before I pretend I'm content, then I'll go back home to Ally.

I felt my demeanour slip back into a pocket of self-hate and I frowned again. I shouldn't be doing that to her. She deserves so much better, but...I didn't want to give her up.

I breathed out a sigh, keeping the cigarette locked between my lips as I rolled up my sleeve. Holding my arm out in front of me, I looked down at all the still prevalent scars. I took a long drag before gripping my forearm between my knees.

Letting out the stream of smoke, I plucked the cigarette from my mouth.

The orange tip burned bright as I hovered it inches over my arm. I felt the heat radiating off it, prepared myself and I plunged it against my skin. My previously balled up fist sprang open and my fingers outstretched from the contact. I held back my unintentional grunt when a twinge of pain shot through me. Out of instinct, I tried to jerk my arm away. Reminding myself of all the horrible shit I've done behind Ally's back, I tightened my hold, pushing down harder until I saw my skin rise up around the cigarette.

That being what I was looking for, I yanked the cigarette back to see the gleaming indentation it left behind. It burned like a motherfucker and that's when I wished I hadn't taken such a long break between doing things like that. I used to be able to cut and burn myself without feeling a thing. I was literally numb to the pain. Now...it was killing me.

I continued to stare down at my new wound then cussed out when a light breezed brushed by and made my burn tense. I clasped my hand down over it and decided to look around the park to divert myself from the pain.

I saw Baby laying up on one of the platforms of the jungle gym. Her eyes were closed and her fur swayed in the wind. I suddenly felt bad for her. She was bred for freezing cold temperatures and here she is stuck in the deadly warm air of Ohio. That's why I hardly take her outside. It's too hot for her sometimes.

I whistled for her, patting my hand against the table. I think that's enough for today. She came back over and I hooked her leash back on. We made the fifteen minute walk back home to a flat that had air conditioning.

She made an immediate run for the couch and waited for me to join her, but I had other plans. I stopped to run a hand over her head, but kept my walk to the guest bedroom.

Seeing I wasn't sitting next to her, Baby hopped off the couch and followed me. I turned on the AC. Plopping down on the carpet, we sat in the centre of the room while I grabbed a box, bringing it to me. I dug around for my folder, soon finding it. I flipped through the huge array of assignments, landing on one in particular.

Another thing I thought about last night was the all-over-the-place flashback. I remember talking to Ally about my trip to New York. Freezing New York. It was my first time travelling alone; I had high hopes for it going in my favour.

But...it did not. At all.

My stomach tightened at the memory as I stared down at the packet of paper. I briefly flicked through all thirteen pages.

I had spilled a huge secret into it. So big that I didn't turn it in.

Prepare to cry or else.

-

Tyler Williams

Mrs. Orr

Creative Writing p.6

Tuesday, January 5, 2012

Façade

I stood close the edge of the sidewalk, shivering my wits out on that near freezing New York morning. My tote of luggage was at my side, it's plastic handle reminding me of liquid nitrogen; every time I touched it, I was sure my hand would become permanently attached to it from the subzero winds.

Then a glimmer of hope, I had stupidly thought.

"You called for a taxi?"

I turned my head and looked at the yellow automobile that had pulled up right in front of me. A woman - no older than thirty maybe - sat in its driver's seat. She was a brunette with a warm smile, reminding of my mum. It took me a few seconds to determine that, yes, she was talking to me.

I took a few steps forward, stopping several inches from its open passenger side window. I bent down to meet her eyes.

"Yeah," I choked out. My voice cracked from standing in silence for what must've been ages as I waited for a taxi. I gave a wary look to the vehicle then at her. "You're a taxi?" I asked sceptically.

When she nodded, I still couldn't get myself to fully believe her. Though I was eager to get out of this bitter weather, I noticed something about the so-called taxi that kept me from getting in it. It didn't look like one; more like a car someone painted yellow and dubbed a taxi. It didn't have the big bolded letters: NYC Taxi printed on its side like all the others that drove pass me.

My childhood memories stuck in my mind, causing me to become wary like it was a do-or-die reflex. I had a bad feeling about her, paranoia already setting in. I knew I'd be dumb for getting in. But when another massive sudden gust of wind forced itself into my jumper and left big goose bumps behind, I was getting desperate for warmth.

Still, I went with the bad feeling at the bottom of my gut.

"This doesn't look like a taxi," I said to her, just about shouting as cars zipped by, honking their horns at each other.

"It's my first day," she explained with a laugh. "They haven't issued me a car yet, so I have to use my own for now, but I assure you, I'm a taxi." I still didn't budge. Just because she was a lady, I thought to myself, doesn't mean she won't do anything I hoped she wouldn't. I knew if our genders were reversed, I'd be an absolute idiot for trusting her. Seeing my cautious face, she added, "I swear - do you really want to stand out here in ten degree weather or...?"

That I didn't.

I heaved in a deep breath and looked around me at the city being pelted with snow and ghastly winds. My fingers and toes were going numb. I knew if I stayed out here any longer, I'd be done-for.

Fighting the stab of overwhelming paranoia, I reluctantly reached for the door handle, grabbing my luggage and pulled it in with me as I sat in the backseat of the alleged taxi cab. All my extremities thanked me heaps when the warm air engulfed me.

I didn't know if I should use the seatbelt or not, you know, in case she wasn't as innocent as she claimed to be. I didn't want to look stupid, trying to unhook myself from the seat when I could be diving out the window instead. But the roads were covered in ice, so safety first.

I went on to thank her for stopping and picking me up.

"You're welcome..." She appeared to be waiting for my name.

"Tyler," I told her, shaking her hand when she turned around with it outstretched.

"Laura." She twisted back around to face the steering wheel. "Where are you heading off to, Tyler?"

"The airport," I said, tugging off my gloves and hat. The intense cold from before made my hands and ears feel like fire against the hot air trapped inside the taxi. Wiggling my fingers, I continued. "I visited a friend."

"Oh." Her lips perched as she pulled out of the parking spot and onto the open road. "So you're not from around here? I'm assuming 'yes' because of the accent."

I nodded at her, smiling. "Yup. I'm from Australia, but I'm living in Ohio at the moment. We moved there a few months ago." I instantly was regretting telling her that. I wasn't an idiot - I knew taxi drivers only asked if you were 'from around here' so they can know whether or not they could get way with intentionally running up the fare. I made myself keep an eye on the price for the duration of the ride.

"Oh, that's so interesting," she marvelled from the front seat to which I shrugged back indifferently, but pretended to agree with her. She offered me a drink, holding up a filled bottle of Purelife water.

Knowing better, I shot down her offer.

"No, thank you. I'm fine."

The car came to a stop at the red light. She looked at me in the rearview mirror. "You sure?" she asked, giving the impression that she was concerned. "The cold dehydrates you. It's sealed and everything, I swear." She clicked the cap off. "I'm just looking out for you." I stared at the bottle, then her. She seemed genuine enough, and I was getting a bit thirsty.

I let out a breath. "Yeah, okay." I reached for it, but just held it in my hands. I didn't trust her. I could feel her staring at me and looked up to see she was. She was waiting for me to take a sip. She darted her eyes away momentarily but they veered back when I twisted the cap off.

I slyly took a whiff into the bottle, but it was odourless. To satisfy her, I tipped it back only slightly, letting a few droplets of water into my mouth. It had a weird salty taste to it, but I pushed a smile out at her.

"Thank you."

Her smile grew as she finally looked back at the road.

"You're welcome."

We made small talk for a bit afterwards, but soon fell silent not having a lot to talk about. The car ride seemed to be taking yonks. I seriously thought I could've walked and got there sooner.

After gulping down my third mouthful of the weird water, deciding to plan its taste on being from a different state, I leaned back, propping my head up against the window, suddenly knackered. That's what you get for staying up till four when you have to wake up by seven.

"Do you have a girlfriend?'

My eyes blinked open to stare at the back of her head. "Uh," I forced a little laugh. I cleared my throat, gazing out the window. "No."

"No?" she repeated, glancing at me. "Really?"

"Yup."

"Why not?"

Because nobody likes me.

I shrugged as if the answer couldn't be more obvious. "Just don't." She didn't say anything back so I kept my attention at passing scenery. I checked the time on my mobile phone. I had about twenty-ish minutes to get to the airport. That's enough time, I hoped.

Suddenly, she spoke again.

"Are you a virgin?"

My jaw fell down and broke through the floor. I stared at her in shock. Did she really just ask that? What do I say back to something like that? "That's kind of personal, don't you think?" I answered with instead of a yes or no, shifting in my seat, understandably uncomfortable now.

"I was just wondering," she murmured from the front seat.

"Well, there are some things you don't just ask strangers," I said, looking at her quickly. "And that's one of them." Again, she was silent and kept her eyes focused in front of her. I thought to check the tab and averted my gaze to do so.

I was nearing twenty dollars. All I had was twenty dollars left. I sat up to get a few glimpses outside and instantly got dizzy. My head hurt and I wanted to sleep, but first, I made myself look at where we were. I didn't recognise anything. We must've been going a different route than the one I took to get to my friend's flat.

Hopefully.

"Are we almost there?" I asked, slouching back, my head pounding. "I don't think I've enough money to pay the fare."

"We're taking a short-cut, believe it or not."

There was no way this was a short-cut. I thought back to earlier when I told her I wasn't from here. She's purposely running up my tab. How ridiculous was she. Her plan's going to backfire when I can't pay her.

Nevertheless, this was better than me having to walk. I fought back a yawn.

"Okay."

We drove for what honestly felt like an eternity. I shifted to look outside again, this time checking behind us. There was this car that had been following us since she picked me up. They were probably going to the airport, too. She could've been telling me the truth.

I slumped back down, my head going to rest in my hand.

I was so tired. Maybe because we've been driving for years.

"Are you sure you're not lost?" I asked her, remembering she said this was her first day as a taxi driver.

"I guarantee it," she said back. "It's a short-cut, I swear." I started to shake my head.

"No. You can just let me out somewhere. I'll walk. I really don't think I'll have enough money to pay you."

"Then don't pay me."

My brows furrowed and I looked at her. I started to laugh anxiously. "What do you mean, don't pay you? Isn't that the point of your job? To get paid?" She glanced at me for the hundredth time. I could see her whole 'innocent' façade disappear.

"You can give me something else."

"Like what?"

She didn't hold back. She bluntly said, "Sex."

Oh. I get it now. All those questions from before - do I have a girlfriend, am I a virgin? She even asked how old I was. - she didn't ask out of curiosity; she asked for her own little personal gain. But I wasn't going to let her label me as 'easy'.

I shook my head again, accidentally letting out a small unimpressed laugh.

"No - let me out somewhere. I'm going to be late."

"Give me what I want and you'll get where you need to be."

My heart jumped in my chest when I realised we were pulling up into an alleyway. She can't take 'no' for an answer, can she? I looked behind us but didn't see the same car that had been tailgating us. It went on straight down the road, leaving me alone with her.

"I don't even know you," I said as an excuse, hoping she'd see I wasn't going to go for it. I shouldn't even have to be making excuses, need I remind you.

"So?" she laughed.

"So," I ended up mocking her. "You got Buckley's of that happenin'. I'm not interested." I felt the car slow before it came to a stop when we reached the halfway mark of the alley. For spilt second all I felt was fear. That and annoyance. She shut the car off. It was quiet. I could hear was my breathing as it quickened and my heart as it pounded violently against my ribcage.

My arms and eyes were heavy, needing sleep. She drugged me. I knew she did. I ignored the tears welling up in my eyes, almost instinctively thinking the worst. I squeezed them shut and tried to slow my breathing.

"What...why...what are we...?"

"Just give me what I want."

I was getting sleepier and sleepier as if she was in control of that, like she had a dial and she was cranking down my alertness.

"No," I wound up slurring out. Her smile got bigger. One of my hands went for the door, the other grabbing my luggage. It took all my strength to get the door open a crack and only seconds for her to throw hers open. I stumbled out of the car, leaning on my suitcase for support.

She was suddenly beside me, making me lean on her.

"Get back in the car. Do you really think you're in any shape to get yourself to the airport?"

"Because of you," I spat out, pushing her away from me. I tried to grab my mobile out of my pocket, but my hands wouldn't work and they fumbled to do anything. "I just want to go home." My throat burned.

She coaxed me back into the car, my bags going onto the floor of it. She shut the door, going back to the driver's door.

Then the worst thing - the car from before pulled in behind us. I tried again for my mobile, but it fell out of my hands and into my now open drawstring backpack. I drooped down to get it, but was flung back up when someone pulled open the back door and hopped in, their hands going to cover my mouth and grip around my neck.

I was too stunned to scream.

My eyes widened in panic when I realised it was two men who had gotten in the car. One sat up front with the woman and the other was in the backseat, holding me in a death grip.

When I tried to push him off of me, I could barely move; I was so weighed down and tired. Then it all hit me at once. I couldn't breathe. Why was this happening? What did I do?

As soon as he started to squeeze his index finger and thumb on my nose, I whipped my hand back to hit him, but I only moved an inch or so, like there was an anvil tied to my fingers. There was no way I was getting out of this.

They weren't saying anything to each other. The only sound was the fake leather shuffling under us and a bag zipping open. I didn't get to see what the guy in the front seat was getting out before I was pushed down flat on my back. My head knocked against the window, making my vision blur for several seconds.

Scream, you idiot.

But I couldn't. My throat tightened every time I tried to. My eyes were burning from holding in the waterworks.

All I got out was a gasp of pain as he climbed on top of me, pinning my legs down. His hands left my wrists to rip up my hoodie and then my shirt. I finally got my energy back and kicked him between the legs. A groan fell out and he doubled-over. I went for go at sitting up, hand reaching for the door handle, but got yanked down by the guy up front. He dropped something out of his hand so he could bend over the seat to restrain me and kept me down long enough for the other guy to shove his fist into my gut.

He got two hits in before the girl yelled at him to stop. She didn't say what I hopped she would.

"He's mine," she snapped fiercely.

Mine?

It happened so fast; I think I may've blacked out. The next thing I know, she was in the backseat with me, both guys up front. She jumped on top of me, beginning to unbutton her pants. I froze. I couldn't move. I don't know why, but I couldn't. She took this opportunity of me being immobile to force her rough, repulsive lips onto mine.

The contact made me cringe and jolt back to life.

I tried to shove her off, but was suddenly tired again. She must've been a hundred and ten pounds, but at the moment, I could've swore she weighed a ton.

I lashed my hand forward to strike her and actually did succeed. She cursed out, hitting me twice as hard back. How was she so strong? Everything she did to me was like a freight train hitting me at full speed. Knowing this little girl was going to end up getting her way was starting to kill me and I choked back a loud sob.

That was like a victory to her. She snatched my jumper over and off my head. My shirt managed to not come off with it. After flinging my jumper to the ground, she pulled my shirt up until it was under my chin, taking every hit I sent her way like they were nothing. My shirt was tugged over my head and up my arms to be tied around my wrists. Her mouth attached itself to my chest.

The nauseating feeling caused my skin crawl and tingle in disgust.

I couldn't take it anymore. I finally let my tears escape. I felt so pathetic.

She shushed me between kisses to my neck.

"Shh. Baby, don't cry. Don't cry." Her words were taunting. She repeated them as she unbuttoned my pants. Each time I jerked forward to push her off, she pressed me back down.

I couldn't hold it in; I continued to sob. "Stop! Please!" She forcefully yanked my jeans down. Out of instinct, when she inched them down, I kicked at her. She lost her balance and I spat in her face. Her eyes clamped shut and she cried out in disgust. I whacked her in the chest with my arms.

She gripped where I hit and sat back. I hit her again, shoving her hard a few more times. I threw the car door on my side open, scooting backwards out of it. She managed to grab onto my wrist. She pulled me back, but I just pushed her again, falling out of the car. My hands still being tied in front of me there was nothing to break my fall, and I landed hard in a pile of freezing snow.

I quickly got up and ran, willingly ditching all my belongings.

Though I had gotten a head start, I suddenly tensed under a set of hands as they wrapped around my waist. I flailed and kicked my legs around, screaming like crazy. I felt something crack as I was thrown onto the side of the car. That seriously knocked the wind out of me. I think he just broke my back. I gasped for air. He threw me into the backseat one more time.

The girl gripped a handful of my hair, holding me down. At the sound of the door slamming shut, she got back on me. I heard a click. My eyes darted down to stare right into the barrel of a gun.

"Do that again," she snarled, pushing it against my neck, "and I'll blow your head off." She held my glare, ignoring the stream of residue my tears left behind. Not getting an answer, she jabbed it hard. "Got it?"

My cry caught in my throat. I wasn't ready to die and knew I won't be leaving this vehicle the way I wanted. I might as well cooperate. I stiffly nodded.

She kept the gun in its place, going to lower my jeans again. I clenched my jaw when she went for my boxers. I fought the urge to yell and scream at her to stop. All she had to do to end me was pull a trigger. I kept quiet.

In all the chaos that had been happening, I didn't realise the other guy up front had a video camera in his hands. How long has he had it out? What all did it record? What were they going to do with its footage?

Seeing the red light blink, I jerked my head to look the other way, refusing to give anyone in this car eye contact - even a camera lens. He kept snapping at me to look at it, but I couldn't let myself, and had my face tucked away into my arm.

My heart leapt in my chest and squeezed with agony when she finally got both my boxers and jeans down low enough, fixing herself right over...it.

I wanted to throw up. My head was spinning and reminding me of what she was doing.

I was being raped - by a girl. No one would believe me.

I laid still the entire time and kept my mouth shut and stiff whenever she tried to kiss me, which was often. The camera was on and constantly being shoved in my face even after she stopped.

It seemed like forever, but eventually she got off me. My mind wouldn't let me move. It wouldn't stop telling me I was weak for letting her do that. I felt so...dirty.

She sat up and moved to the other side of the car, hand ruffling through her stupid brown hair. I hated looking at her and turned to stare at the ground. She moved her hand up and down my leg.

I whimpered out, "No...please. Just stop."

She pulled away with a sigh, then rubbed her nose, looking at the two guys sitting up front. She muttered to them, "Drive." Just as the car started to move, she leaned forward to pull something out of a bag - scissors. I recoiled away from her but she didn't stop. She took the blade and cut through my shirt she had wrapped around my wrists, freeing me from her make-shift handcuffs.

She didn't look me in the eyes like I thought she would. I pulled up my pants and sat up, holding my knees against my chest. I wanted to curl up into a ball and die.

The drive to wherever was so...awkward. I just looked out the window the whole time, and...cried. They were so much more quiet. I don't know if they were regretting it, but I was hoping so.

My legs and arms hurt from thrashing them around. My stomach was upset, begging me to throw up.

The minutes passed by slowly before the car pulled into an empty parking spot outside an old Ruby Tuesday's restaurant building. I didn't get the chance to wonder if this was my stop. She reached passed me for the latch on the door, pushing it open.

I got out quickly and plopped down on the curb, numb to the freezing snow. They all took part in throwing my luggage out. I caught my jumper when she tossed it to me. I dug my face into it, unable to cry anymore, but still had the need.

She scooted to pull the door shut, but before she did, I had to know something.

"Why?"

She was silent for a few seconds. Then she answered shortly.

"Because you trusted a lady."

-

Moral of the story: girls are assholes, too. My whole life is a perfect example of girls getting away with things guys would be castrated for.

Suddenly wanting the memory to be as far away from me as I could get it, I struck the packet of paper back into the folder and tossed it into the box. Just reading that was like I was reliving it. I could still hear her words ringing in my ears.

Because you trusted a lady.

I blinked away tears and moved Baby so I could get up. I exited the room, leaving the door open so Baby could hang out in here a while longer. I went back to my room and collapsed on my bed.

There was an intense knot in my chest. A knot I would normally get rid of with sex. Sex really was one of the only things that would make me numb to anything and everything and now I was far from getting it.

I went for my phone to check the time. It was only twelve.

I needed something - someone - to take my mind off the growing pain in my chest. Anything.

God. I shouldn't have reread it. Why did I do that? Now it would take another few years to forget the hell I went through. On top of that, I was painfully reminded of Vanessa, and then my dad.

What was so horrendous about me that kept making people hurt me like this? What did I do?

I tried to shake them out of my head, but they wouldn't leave. I could almost feel him hitting me again and her forcing herself on top of me nearly every night. Then those few times it would be him. It was close to ending when Ally saw a bruise. It was yet another time when we almost had sex.

Weeks later was the very first. After that, she offered that I stay with her. Not for sex whenever she wanted, but because by then, I had more and more cuts and bruises.

I pulled open the top drawer of my bedside table. Passing the baggie of weed, I went for a bottle of Benadryl. I knocked two out and popped them into my mouth, swallowing them without a drink.

Yanking the covers over me, I snapped my eyes shut.

I praised God for Ally.

She saved me.

She really did.

***

##  CHAPTER SEVEN --

\---

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-

My eyes shot open when a hand touched the side of my face. I blinked as my vision cleared and I stared down at my bedroom floor. My face was smashed against my mattress and starting to go numb. The hand had moved to my hair as I shifted to lean on my elbows, lifting myself to meet eyes with Ally.

She gave me a small smile, pushing her fingers through my hair again.

"You sure do like to sleep," she teased, poking her finger against my nose. Seeing her smile made me smile. I shrugged, flipping over so I was on my back.

"You know me." When she took a seat next me on the bed, pulling off her teal cardigan, I said, "I wasn't expecting you to come over, so I didn't think I had anything to be up for." She titled her head, smiling again as she shrugged this time.

"Thought I'd stop by to make sure you're still alive. I know you don't do too well on your own for too long."

As the last chapter showed, that was agonisingly true.

I thanked her for her generosity before asking, "What time is it?" though seconds later, I leaned forward to check for myself right as Ally told me.

"Almost five - have you eaten today?"

I nodded at her face while it grew with concern.

"Pizza." Just one slice, but if I told her that, she'd drag me with her to Burger King to fatten me up. One more thing I tend to do before leaving Ally - or just when I'm not feelin' too well about myself - is I slowly stop eating. I don't know why, but I just do it.

I think it might have to do with when my eating disorder was real bad. The only time I ever felt okay was when I was deathly thin.

Being on the verge of dying was always quite comforting, for some reason.

Ally had looked over to the TV. It has seriously been on for the past two days. Imagine the electric bill. Her hand suddenly reached forward to touch my neck and she snickered.

"Man," she said, grinning and I knew what she was talking about. "I really did doom you, didn't I? Are you ever going back to work?"

"Maybe someday."

We matched smiles. She laughed lightly, keeping her eyes on my face. She slowly bit her lip, making me want to kiss her, but she suddenly turned her head away to stare out my open bedroom door.

She let out a sigh, saying, "J'ai envie de faire pipi."

I flicked my hand towards the door when she looked at me with a snarky smile. "You know where the bathroom is," I said, smiling back at her.

"I do." She stood up, ruffling my hair one more time. I watched her walk out the door to across the hall. She closed the bathroom door behind her. When she came back, we hooked my Wii back into my TV to play Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, because why not.

"I wonder if maybe once, just maybe, Link didn't want to go save Zelda."

"...What?"

Ally shrugged as she tried to run past 'the great Mido,' but got stopped by him anyway. "You know, like maybe one day Link will be like, 'Screw you, Zelda,' you know, 'I'd rather be watching Unwrapped than be attacked by Moblins trying to save your ass again.'"

I thought about it and agreed.

"You're so right. I'd rather ride around on Epona and listen to the amazing Song of Time. Sorry."

"Exactly." She started to jab her thumb against the A button repeatedly. I saw the small scab on her middle finger from where the shaving razor hit weeks ago She grumbled under her breath, "I know how to work a Deku Stick!"

Also not really caring for Mido's loooong dialog, I stretched out, getting comfortable. We were lying on the floor. Me, semi-laying on Ally's lap, because if she laid on mine, she'd feel a boner I knew I'd get. Ally was sittin' there, back against the foot of my bed.

Thankfully, Mido stopped talking and we went on our way. While Ally had a chat with the Deku Tree, I turned over to lay belly-up. Even from this angle, Ally looked gorgeous. She had a small, little nose that was ever-so-slightly crooked from breaking it when she was thirteen. She was playing soccer when she got whacked in the face with a girl's elbow. I laughed so hard when she told me and even harder when she showed me the home video.

I faintly made out the scar.

I could see the reflection of the TV screen in her hazel eyes. Her long eyelashes made her short side bang flicker every time she blinked. It must've annoyed her, because she moved her hand behind her ear to fix her hair. It fell back in place milliseconds later, making her sigh.

I fixed my eyes on her mouth and saw she was silently mouthing the Deku Tree's dialogue. I smiled up at her before ruining the moment. I shifted my head to look at her little belly that I loved so much. I wanted to tickle her just to hear her loud, ear-piercing laugh, but wound up looking at her boobs instead.

They, too, were tiny - just an A cup - but I didn't really care. Boobs are boobs. They're all lovely.

I turned my head back to look at the screen right as she finished her chat with the Deku Tree. His colour faded and he slowly died as prophesised. His mouth fell open.

I glanced back up when Ally said in a deep voice, "I'm goin' in!"

Oh, my God.

I laughed loudly, getting her to grin down at me. She gave her attention back to the game, but I made her direct it at me when I popped my hand up to lay it loosely on the centre of her face.

"Tyler!" she giggled. I felt her nose crinkled against my palm.

"What?"

"Move your hand!"

"Nah," I said, gripping on lightly. She laughed yet again, but it wasn't the laugh I wanted. Deciding I needed to go with plan B, I removed my hand from her face. She started to laugh out a thank you, but was cut off by a gasp coming from her mouth. The controller flew from her hands as they clamped down on mine.

She pouted down at me, grumbling, "Don't touch my fat belly."

"You're not fat," I pouted, pressing my thumbs against her stomach, making her jump.

She laughed out, nose pointing towards the ceiling, "Yes, I am!"

I argued in a mock 'serious' tone, though I really was, "No, you're not." We exchanged stern looks. Before she could make up any more lies, I pushed my fingers against her sides. She jerked back again and 'scowled.'

"Don't you dare," she warned, giving me a glare. To that, I mentally said 'smd,' going to tickle her perfect belly even more. I was kicked up into a sitting position when her knee came up to knock my hands away from her.

I gripped on tighter, finally getting that sought after reaction.

Her usual laugh started out as a high-pitched scream that went into even higher pitched giggles. She laughed her plea for me to stop, squeezing her fingers around mine, but I leaned forward, pushing her back against the side of the bed.

Nose inches away from hers, I widened my eyes in an intimidating way.

"Nah."

She tried to frown but it turned into a smile when I tickled her again.

"Stoooooooop!" she wailed, her hands going to grip the sides of her head. They covered her eyes, making me have to pull my face back a bit. I did stop tickling her so I could give her a quick peck on the lips.

I pulled back even further to see her sticking her tongue out at me.

Since I've had her tongue in my mouth plenty o' times before I stuck my tongue out to touch hers. She laughed out again, finally taking her hands from her eyes.

"That's gross," she said childishly.

"You're gross," I shot back, going to grip her sides again. She squealed, grabbing my hands before I could. She held on tightly, keeping them at level with her chest. I took advantage of this and pushed my hands forward to cup her boobs. "See?" I said to her wide eyes. "You're gross. You put my hands on your boobs. Ew."

She glared me, but still smiled.

"You're right. I'm terrible."

"Dirty," I corrected with smirk causing her to roll her eyes at me. Her mouth twisted into another snarky smile.

"Funny."

"I know." I bent forward to kiss her one more time before moving sit beside her. By the look of her confused face, I knew she was expecting me to initiate sex. "So," I started, facing the telly. Link still stood at the entrance of the Great Deku Tree. Ally waited for me to continue, so after a few seconds of stalling I asked her casually, "Do you wanna, like, date me?"

I glanced out of the corner of my eye to see she was looking at me with a raised brow, but slowly she began to smile softly.

"Way to be subtle," she said, laughing slightly. Seeing I was being serious, her smile got bigger. "Really?" she asked almost like she still didn't believe me, but I nodded. For some reason, she stopped smiling. "But I thought...you..."

I shook my head and began to explain myself.

"Eh. I thought about and think that maybe if we started dating, I'd feel more obligated to be...committed, like, sex-wise and stuff. Do you wanna date me?" I asked again. Thinking that wouldn't be enough, I quickly added, "Plus, I kind of like you, anyway, so, to me, it just makes sense."

"You like me?"

"Well, obviously. Do you wanna date me or not?"

She took a couple more seconds to look at me with a growing smile, then it fell again. Mine dropped as well.

"What if it doesn't work out like you think it will?"

"I'll cry."

She finally smiled at me for more than a half a second. A full second. Then it disappeared. I think deep down she knew this was a bad idea that was most likely not going to work, but the longer she sat there in thought, continuing to look at my face, the wider her smile became.

I smiled right back her, maybe even bigger than hers, when she nodded.

She breathed out her answer.

"Okay."

I swear to you, as fruity as this sounds...I've never felt more happier than right now. This was the first time I ever got to lean forward and kiss her as my girlfriend. Pretty nice.

And so, as boyfriend and girlfriend, we made out. Until she pushed me off so she could finish playing Zelda and 'kill these damn spiders.'

Yeah. I picked the right girl to finally be in a committed relationship with.

-

"You're going, right?"

I sighed at my reflection in the mirror for what honestly felt the hundredth time this morning. The hickeys were slowly beginning to get dull.

I pouted at Ally though the mirror. She stood with her head propped on my shoulder, wearing her beloved grey cardigan over a purple American Eagle shirt. I looked back at her smiling face.

"Maybe you should call in ill and sleep all day - then I will, too, and we can have a sick day together."

"'I would love that...but..." She patted me on the shoulders. "I like a perfect attendance."

I held in my snort. There was not one, but four days back when I was a high schooler that she skipped school with me for sex in bed all day long.

It was fantastic.

"Let's go," she ordered with another pat to my shoulder. She got up on her tippy-toes to kiss my cheek before the toaster went off and she left me to go to the kitchen for her toast. I gave a few minutes to standing in front of the mirror until she yelled at me that it was time to go.

I sluggishly joined her in the kitchen to see her slab a big wad of butter onto one of the two slices of toast. Being an ass, when she finished, I grabbed it from her hands, took a bite, laughed at her whines, then gave it back.

Off we unfortunately went to the high school where I will be laughed at. I can't wait.

Entering the halls of THS, I was gawked at. I couldn't tell if it was because of the huge hickeys or because they knew they recognised me from somewhere but couldn't place me as a teacher. I seriously looked like a shanked-out highschooler. I already looked too young for my age; the hickies added to my unprofessional aura.

As a teacher, that is the last thing you want.

I groaned, stomping my feet at Gill's loud laugh. Ally and I turned around to see Gill unhook hands with this girl so she could grip her stomach as she laughed even harder.

"You've been playing hookie for two days and come back as a sixteen year old who had a great time at a party. I mean..." She took a few hops forward to gesture to my neck. "That is you under those big hickeys, right, Mr. Williams?" I knocked her hand away from me, glaring while Ally laughed.

Gill smiled at her, continuing with, "Courtesy of you, I assume?"

"You've assumed rightly," Ally confirmed with a big smile. I could feel absolutely everyone in the commons looking at us, so I abruptly turned to walk away.

"Wow, I hate you guys. Bye."

I heard them laugh and was reunited with Ally when she ran after me. She hooked her arm around mine as she said, "If anything, you look hot."

"Yeah, that's what I want all these under-age teenagers to think about me."

She stuck her tongue out up at me. I returned the gesture. Upon reaching her closed classroom door, she pulled out her key to unlock it.

"It smells like shit in here," she grumbled bluntly once she pushed it open. I stuck my nose up in the air and took a whiff. All I got was the faint scent of recently mowed grass that came in from the open window.

I still laughed at her scrunched up nose. She beckoned me over to her desk with her and we both sat down - her in her much-loved swivel chair; me on the foot wide ledge by the window. I slouched with my feet just inches above the floor, cracking my knuckles. Ally scowled at me and I smiled sweetly.

She hates when I do that so, naturally, I have do it all the time.

She groaned, slumping back in her chair. After she pushed the power button to turn on the computer and its monitor, she dropped her head back, closing her eyes. Not gonna lie, I checked her out a bit.

She suddenly groaned again, her hand going to cup her stomach.

"It seriously ranks in here; I'm gonna hurl."

I hopped down from the ledge for a second to pick up the rubbishcan and placed it by her. "Just in case." She smiled at me as I took my spot back. Sitting up, she angled herself more towards the trashcan. Her hand rubbed her jaw and she sighed.

A thought hit me abruptly and I felt my heart stop for a few seconds.

"You...don't think you're..."

I didn't even have to finish my sentence before she did with a shake to her head.

"I'm spotting," she said shortly. "That means I'm about to start. That's probably it - cramps, bloated, feeling like shit. All tell-tale signs of a period."

I relaxed a bit before going back to be tense as I said, "If you are...you can tell me. I won't, you know...leave you. I'm not that much of an asshole. Unless it's not even mine, then eff you."

"It would definitely be yours," she assured with a small laugh. "You're the only guy I've had sex with in the past four years, so." She quickly looked away, fixing her chin back into her palm. She let out another small laugh, mumbling, "Even though I know I'm not the only girl you've slept with."

Well, damn. We always end up back here, don't we? I swear we talk about other things, but you guys are never around to see it.

I just kinda sat there, like 'Errrr....' and said, "No?"

"I'm not an idiot - and it's okay. I knew from the beginning you couldn't be one-hundred percent monogamous. I'm not mad at you."

"I tried so hard, Ally. I really did, but..."

"It's fine," she said again, looking up at me. "I'm just hoping now, you'll find it more easy to commit to me, though I know it's rude of me to think I can cure you. You've been like this for your whole life. I can't just change you. But stay the fuck away from Rebeca, okay?"

I literally cackled as I pretended to think about it before I nodded.

"Alright, alright. I'll try."

"Because she's a shank," Ally said. I could see her jaw began to clench, meaning she really, really didn't like Rebeca. I continued to laugh.

"Okay."

She mumbled quickly, "The whore," and then added, "Especially if I am pregnant. I will kill her - and you."

I laughed again, leaning down to give her a peck on the forehead.

"Yeah, I know."

"Dead," she said with even more emphasis. She sounded like a child, really, and the way she looked up at me made me laugh me more time. She was trying to be scary and intimidating.

How cute.

-

Ellie's eyes grew wide and her jaw dropped. The chalupa in her hand dropped down and landed on the Taco Bell wrapping paper.

"You're pregnant?" she asked Ally in disbelief.

"Maybe," Ally stressed for the fifth time. Ellie's head jerked to me and she gaped even more.

"Are you freaking out?"

I took a small bite from my beef supreme chalupa and shrugged.

"I'm not the one who's gonna have to pop it out my vagina hole, so." Ally slapped me on my shoulder as she groaned.

"Thanks for reminding me," she hissed. My smile was wide. Ellie laughed with her nose pointing towards the ceiling.

"Vagina hole!" she screeched, clapping her hands together a few times. "Tyler, I don't think you're mature enough to be taking care of a baby."

My jaw dropped, though I knew she was right.

"I'm plenty mature - you dumb fuck."

Ellie had decided to take another bite from her food, but realised halfway through my sentence that was bad idea. It flew right out of her mouth. Ally laughed out a groan, hand going to snake around mine. Her head dropped onto my shoulder while she giggled.

She laced her fingers around mine, saying loudly, "The father of my child, everyone!"

I bowed in my seat to their applause.

Then it hit me.

Oh, God.

Father?

Shit.

***

##  CHAPTER EIGHT --

*

Pressing my forehead against my desk, I sighed, sticking my hands down the front pocket of my jeans. I took a quick peek around to see everyone was paying attention to McClain as she talked about the vacation vocab words. I eyed the empty seat to the left of me where a girl would be sitting but she was out sick today and has been for the past few.

She caught at cold over Winter break.

Winter break.

Vacations.

The words made my stomach turn and my eyes started to burn as I remembered how my trip had gone.

I pulled the little SD card container out of my pocket and swiftly shoved it into my hoodies'. My fingers flicked it open and I heard the faint sound of ten blades falling on each other as they settled freely in my pocket.

I searched blindly for the one I wanted and slowly moved it from my pocket, rolling up my right sleeve just a bit.

McClain had thankfully moved me to the right side of the classroom. No one to the right of me, so I could do things like this.

I blinked down at my wrist, seeing six new cuts already there. Only one was starting to scab over; the others were fresh from this morning and last night. The scars that surrounded them were going purple from the cold weather.

I sighed softly, feeling the tears begin to well up in my eyes again.

I was so pathetic for letting her do that to me. I was weak for letting anyone ever do that to me in the first place. I went away to forget and came back with even more to remember for the rest of my life.

What was so horrid about me? What was I doing wrong?

I let my sleeve dangle over my hand as I angled the blade right over a field of blue veins. Wrists freak me, believe it or not. The thought that all that stood between a sharp blade and my veins was a thin layer of skin would normally scare me and I'd move to cut my forearm, but...God. I was such a disgrace.

I took one of the tips and slowly glided it over my wrist. Not hard enough for a cut, so it didn't really hurt. I just needed a few scrapes to make the feelings go away. Just a measly scrape.

But it wasn't enough.

When I slanted it so it was at an angle against my wrist, I couldn't stop myself from pushing down even harder. I felt the blade pierce my skin in several places, then the stinging grew more intense when I quickly yanked the blade from one side of my wrist to the other.

A thin line of red rose up and filled the thin but long gap. I bunched my fingers into a fist and tightened to see the skin stretch. Unballing my fist, the blood filled the cut back up.

I went for another one just below it right as the first cut started to bleed profusely. Instead of running down my arm, the blood collected into several beads. I carefully poked the tip of the blade into each drop and watched as they collapsed one by one before spilling over. I wanted to see them drip onto the tile flooring, but they just flowed for a few inches then collected into a few more beads.

I started to become aware of the pain when the wind blew in from the slightly open window.

I marvelled down at the cuts. They looked so strange.

I needed more.

There was suddenly a hand on my shoulder. I widened my eyes at the sight of Toms standing inches out of my view.

McClain.

I didn't look up. Even when she whispered, "Tyler..."

I knew if I did, I'd see the entire class staring at me. I focused on the ground, but saw my arm in the way. Yanking my sleeve back down, her hand gripped my wrist, stopping me. I continued to avoid eye contact as she bent down to get in my line of sight.

"What's wrong?" she whispered, eyes darting to my arm. She was gently rolling my sleeve back up. I glanced out the corner of my eye to see everyone had been staring.

I tugged my arm out of McClain's grip and twisted it into my hoodie's front pocket.

She sighed and tried to grab the blade from me, but I jerked it away before she could.

"Tyler," she said again, taking my chin between her fingers. She forced me to look at her but I veered my eyes away. Leaning forward a bit, she fixed her eyes on my face and frowned. "Honey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing." My voice cracked. "I'm fine."

She shook her head, running her fingers through my hair, her thumb grazing under my eyes. "No, you're – are you crying? What's wrong? Tell me."

Oh god – please - I WAS CRYING?

I immediately shook my head away from her and looked down. A tear dripped off my chin right then. I snatched my hand out of my pocket to wipe it away. Why? Was I really crying? wtf. In the middle of class, too.

"I'll tell you later," I muttered to her under my breath, glimpsing around to see there were two people who had gotten out of their seats to see what was going on. The girl had gasped and clamped her hand over her mouth, quickly sitting back down while the guy's mouth fell open.

"Holy shit."

McClain snapped at him to sit down before meeting my eyes again.

She thankfully nodded, saying, "Okay - do you want to go to the restroom to...clean up?"

I wanted to go to the restroom to get away from everyone's curious and judgemental eyes. I nodded stiffly, skidding the chair back, bringing myself up to stand. I thanked her with a brief glance, nearly running out the door and to the boy's restroom.

I spent the rest of the class in there, crouched in a stall with my head shoved into the palms of my hands.

Stupid. So stupid.

Why did I decide to cut myself in the middle of class? I'm such an idiot.

I waited for the bell to ring before slumping back to the French room. I avoided eye contact with McClain yet again. I noticed that my stuff had been put into my bag for me. I mumbled a thanks to her, grabbing my book bag. I flung it on and ran out the door.

Shelby was here today. That was nice. I didn't tell her about anything that had just happened, nor did I tell Ellie. Neither of them know about the New York incident. I didn't plan on telling anyone ever.

Yeah, right. We all know I'm telling McClain or...Allyson. She said I could start calling her by her first name since we've gone to third base together.

I took my jolly ol' time getting down to the café after the lunch bell rang. The line moved amazingly fast and I had my tray of pointless food within three minutes as opposed to the usual five.

"Gonna 'talk' with Miss McClain?" Ellie asked with a snarky smirk when I didn't sit down with her, Shelby and Damien.

I forced a smile at her with a nonchalant shrug.

"We're best buds," I reasoned, then hated myself. Shelby said the same thing to me all the time, and I fucked her. I'm hoping to fuck McClain, so maybe that' just my lucky phrase to get lucky.

I sluggishly walked with my tray up to McClain's room...Allyson. This is gonna take some getting used to.

Normally, I'd be in such a great mood to go up to McClain's classroom during lunch, or after school - we'd be going to third base nearly every time - but today we'd be talking about how much of an idiot I am.

I slowed my pace down even more at the thought. I was going to tell her what happened in New York. I knew I would. Or I could lie and say I missed my mom.

I managed to waste five minutes of just walking around in circles with a tray in my hand until the new assistant principal Mr. Shultz yelled at me to get to where I was going.

Bugger.

I already hated him.

He even escorted me to McClain's room. Now I really hated him.

McClain - Allyson's face was priceless, though. He smiled at her as she tilted her head in confusion at me. He said, "Mr. Williams here was just wandering the halls. Said he was coming up here to have lunch with you. That true?" Allyson raised her brow at me before smiling at Mr. Shultz.

She began to nod, picking up her plastic spork with a piece of ravioli on the other end.

"Yup," she said, taking a bite. "Thanks for getting him here safely, Mike."

Mike?

I suddenly hated that name.

After 'Mike' said she was welcomed, he patted me on the shoulder as he backed out of the room, leaving me to breakdown mentally.

I didn't want to talk to her about this. She's gonna make fun of me. I know she will. Who wouldn't?

I watched Allyson get up and grab a chair from the closes desk. She sat it down next to hers and gestured to it. "You can sit down, Tyler," she told me with a laugh. It faded quickly. I think she suddenly remembered what we were probably going to be talking about.

I nodded, going over to take a seat. As she sat back in her swivel chair, I placed my tray on her desk. While she slowly went back to eating, I took the spork out of its plastic wrap. Passing the rotini, I grabbed the strawberry and banana yogurt. I opened it, then started to play with my food. I propped my chin against the palm of my hand and stared down at my tray.

I dreaded waiting for her to initiate the conversation.

And as soon as I thought maybe she was going to let it go, she spoke.

"Tyler," she said softly.

I looked up for a split second to mumble out a "Hmm?"

She opened her mouth to say something but sighed first. Then -

"Are we going to talk about it or...?"

Probably.

"What's there to talk about? I'm sad."

"Is it because of your mom? Home?"

There it was. A perfect chance to lie. Yes, they both were some of the many reasons why, but not why I did it this morning. I could easily say either was the reason. But I wound up shrugging.

"Sort of."

"Sort of? What - what's wrong?"

"A lot."

"Elaborate?"

I angled my head back down to my yogurt and twirled the spork around the container. How was I going to tell her?

"New York," I said simply, "wasn't the best."

She sat up in her chair. Her brows crinkled together in a mixture of confusion and concern. "Did something happen?" she asked, her voice rising temporarily. "You didn't get...mugged or something did you?"

Can my pride be stolen from me? 'Cause that shit's good as gone.

"Ah..." I shook my head, deciding being raped and mugged weren't really the same thing.

She relaxed a bit. "Then what?" she pressed after a mildly relieved sigh. I started picking out all the strawberry seeds from my yoghurt. Wiping them onto the napkin, I shrugged again.

"It's...embarrassing."

"I'm not gonna laugh," she said, reaching forward to put her hand on mine. Her fingers rubbed over my knuckles as she shifted to try to get in my line of sight. She leaned back abruptly when her fingers didn't touch smooth, clean skin. She blinked down at my scabbing-over knuckles.

I didn't give up that easily. I put up a fight - I swear. I'm not weak. I'm not.

"Did you get in a fight?"

I went with the same short answer.

"Sort of."

She lightly closed her hand over mine.

"Please tell me so I can help you."

Her eyes were starting to get glassy. My jaw clenched when I felt tears try to break though.

"I...can't," I said, shaking my head. "No, no. It's - court-worthy." The way she looked up at me...she seemed so worried. There was a lump forming in my throat. I tried to swallow it away.

She whispered, "Please...tell me. I won't judge you. I promise I won't. If something happened - that was obviously really traumatic...I need to know. I have to help you. It hurts my heart to know there's something happening that makes you do that to yourself. I care about you, Tyler. I really do."

And cue the waterworks. The tears were violently building. "No...I can't..." You could hear in my voice that I was about to breakdown. But I really didn't want to, so I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut, trying to hold them in.

"Why? Please tell me what happened. I'm your friend; you can tell me anything, can't you?"

I nodded even though I knew I couldn't. I sniffled.

"Please don't make me tell you."

She was quiet for a second. "Something did happen...right? That was really bad? What? Tyler, you can tell me. I promise I won't tell anybody. You're really starting to scare me." Her voice cracked this time and her free hand went to cover her mouth. "Just...tell me."

I sat back, leaning against the chair. I broke eye contact to stare at the ground, biting my lip, but the tears still threatened to pour and I let out a whimper, shoulders shaking.

I caved.

"I'll tell you...just...please don't make me look at you..."

It took her a few seconds but she finally said, "Okay."

I took a deep breath, trying to calm down and make myself easier to understand, but I knew the second I tried to talk, my voice box would crumble. I inhaled another deep breath and tried to let it out. It wouldn't be said.

I'm weak, a humiliation to the male gender everywhere. It shouldn't have even happened. She shouldn't have taken advantage of me like that.

To give myself a few more second to stall, I glanced up at the clock. Since I had taken all the time in the word to get from fifth period to the café to here, there was only about five minutes left before the bell rang.

Five minutes to waste.

I really didn't want to tell her.

A thought came to me. My paper. The one I wrote for Creative Writing about New York. I was supposed to turn it in this morning but understandably flaked out. Allyson could read it.

That was better than me having to tell her face-to-face.

"What?" she asked when I bent over to grab my notebook from my backpack. I flipped it open and looked down at it.

I slowly took the thirteen pages of paper from the notebook and placed it right in front of her on her desk.

She furrowed her brows again.

"What's this?"

"Read it - not now, but...read it." I slid my notebook back into my bag, then drew it closed. Slinging it on, I started to stand, grabbing my tray. Her eyes followed me in confusion on my way over to the door.

"You didn't eat - where are you going?"

"My food's cold." I stepped through the doorway, mumbling, "I'll talk to you later."

I could hear her flip pass the empty rubric and onto the first page.

-

I came home to a thought-to-be empty house. Ellie was with Shelby and Damien was at marching band practice.

I thought I was free to grab a bite from the kitchen then eat in my room before passing out to finally sleep for a while, but walking into the kitchen a body startled me.

Vanessa sat at the dinner table with her head in her arms. She was repeatedly rubbing her forehead against her arm. One of her arms were outstretched and I saw the bruising on her inner elbow. The amount of small circular holes on her forearm and bicep made me cringe.

Track marks.

Maybe that's why she is the way she is. Heroin is one nasty drug. Makes you do some crazy stuff. He got her into it. She was a decent person before she gave in.

But on the bright side, she might as well be considered deaf; every time she does it, she zones out like crazy. I could literally set the house on fire, have the fire alarm go off, then run around screaming in my underwear, wildly waving around a chain, letting it hit everything I go near.

Seriously. It's that bad.

By the sight of a needle laying on a sheet of tin foil, I thought that meant she had just shot up, so I could go over to the fridge and get something that needed to be microwaved, heat it up then leave without her noticing, but the second I stepped foot into the kitchen, her head popped up at the sound of my feet hitting the hardwood floor.

I froze and stared at her pale, sunken-in face.

I squeaked out, "Hi."

The edges of her chapped lips curved upwards. She closed her red eyes as she slurred out, "Hey." Since my dad met her in Oregon and not Straya, she has an American accent. Sometimes I expect her to crack one out on accident. She's been living with us for two years now.

Not thinking she was up for conversation, when she slowly opened her eyes, I pointed to the fridge as a way of telling her I was hungry. She yawned, waving her hand in the air to say she understood what I meant.

I made my way over and just got a bag of cheddar Jalapeño Cheetos. I grabbed a Propel from the fridge.

"Grab me a beer, would ya?"

I nodded back at Vanessa, gripping onto a Heineken.

She muttered, "Thanks," taking it from me. I started for my room when she stopped me. She forced a gulp of the alcohol down her throat. "Sit with me," she said, gesturing limply to the chair beside her. "I haven't talked to anyone all day."

Probably because you're a terrible person.

I looked at the chair beside her and didn't know how I felt about being that close to her. I stammered out an excuse.

"Oh, I - got a lot of homework. I have to write an essay for English. It's due Wednesday and I haven't even started."

"You can't take a few minutes to talk to me? I thought we were closer than that."

I laughed assuming that was a joke because it was ridiculous. I wouldn't even consider us acquaintances. She's just one of Satan's junkies staying in my house again.

Her mouth was still in a half-assed smile. She kicked the chair out, taking another gulp.

"Sit."

Just a few minutes. I could do that. As long as all she wants to do is talk.

I walked at a sloth's pace over to sit down. We sat in silence for a couple seconds until I saw her smile faintly.

"Do you remember your house in Oregon? What happened in the kitchen?"

My back tensed. I did remember.

"Yeah."

"Wasn't it good?"

Taking an interest in the orange and green colouring of the Cheetos' bag, I shrugged. I snapped the cap off my drink. "It was fine," I mumbled, tipping the bottle back for a sip.

She knocked her head to the side. "Why can't we be like that again?" she asked, pouting at me. "Why don't you want me anymore?"

I briefly glanced at her. Around her eyes were even redder than her eyeballs. Sure, she looked a mess - and all the shit she's done to me for the past two years were still in the back of my mind - but I couldn't help but think she was attractive. If she just brushed her mane of brown hair just once or laid off the drugs for a bit, she'd be pretty cute, like she was when I met her three years ago.

That doesn't make it any better. I still hated her with a passion. It was nice the first time she ever hit on me and, yeah, we did some stuff more than once, but then she decided to throw the word 'no' and its meaning out the window.

I wasn't going to let myself forget that.

I didn't know what to say back to her, so I didn't say anything. I gulped down another sip.

She suddenly asked, "Your birthday's in a few weeks, isn't it?" When she smirked at me, I regretted nodding. She batted her lashes at me as she said, "I'm thinkin' of giving you your present early. Do you want to know what it is?"

A restraining order?

"I guess."

Her smile took up her face.

"Well, every birthday boy needs some birthday sex, right?"

I pushed out a forced smile.

"You're getting me a hooker?"

"The one and only," she smiled at me, jabbing her thumb towards herself. I stared at her then glugged about half my drink. Is she ever going to give up? I don't want her like that.

"I'd rather have money."

"Oh," she snorted. "You'll change your mind, just you wait. You want any of this?" she asked, motioning to the tin foil in front of her. She unfolded it to show me the chalky powder it contained. I saw the spoon and a lighter under the foil.

I watched her move a rubber band up from her wrist to above her elbow. She started to take another out of her hair and held it out for me. I thought her hair was down, but apparently not. It didn't even fall down; it was a rat's nest of thin strands of dirty hair.

I inhaled as I shook my head.

"I don't do that anymore. Thanks, though."

"You sure?" she asked, scooping a few pinches of the powder into the spoon. She picked up the lighter and the spoon. "Your dad's not coming home tonight. I got a lot."

"He's not?" I said, raising my brow. "Why?" Though I was relieved because that meant Ellie could sleep in her own bed - if she was coming home, that is. It also meant I would be alone with her. No one was gonna be here to protect me.

"Workin' overtime. Looks like it's just gonna be me and you." She smirked at me, flicking the lighter on. "You can have your birthday present now."

Suddenly sex sounded like the worst thing in the entire world.

She ran the flame repeatedly under the spoon. After a few seconds the off-white chalky powder began to melt into a brown liquid.

"I can't," I stammered out slightly. I tried to regain my composure. "I'm staying at a friend's tonight."

"Oh." She frowned, but didn't stop melting the heroin. "Who?"

I picked a random name off the top of my head.

"Drew - he's in all of my classes."

"Well, do you have to go right away? It can be a quickie."

I shrugged down at my almost empty Propel bottle.

"Guess so - actually..." I pulled my phone out on my hoodie pocket. "I said I'd be there by four. It's 3:30. I should go." I started to get up, ignoring her pouting face. "Another time."

"Well...alright."

"Yeah. Sorry." I grabbed my drink and took off for my room. Hooking my arms around my stomach, I leaned up against my closed door and slithered down to sit on the floor.

So, great. I had no plans tonight. What am I going to do?

I considered the local park, Herrlinger. Sometimes I'd go here in the middle of the night. A few of those times were after my mum died. I'd stop by the railroad tracks nearly every time and lay in between the railings, just waiting for a train to come by.

That never happened. But by the time I made it to the park, I'd always hear a train go by.

It pissed me off so much.

I slid my mobile out of my pocket and scrolled through my contacts. I needed somewhere to go, but first...I found Damien and Ellie's numbers.

I texted them that they shouldn't come home tonight. It would just be Vanessa with them and who knows what she'd do.

After hitting send, I continued to look for a familiar name. I zipped by one that seemed like a good idea at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised how stupid that would be.

But she was the only person I felt comfortable enough to spend the night with. The only one who would actually care.

Then again, she'll interrogate me about the paper.

Nonetheless, I hesitantly clicked on the contact marked 'McClain' and slowly typed my message.

Nothing too great. I just said I needed a place to stay the night at; no one would be home tonight and being alone in an empty house freaked me out.

'I don't know,' was what she texted back. 'Is that appropriate?'

'No. But who cares? Would you rather come over here?'

Minutes passed and then she said she'd be there in a few.

I felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders and hopped up to throw a change of clothes into a separate book bag. Dropping in my iPod charger and a pair of earphones, I made my way to the door.

I peeked into the kitchen to see Vanessa with her face smashed onto the table. Her arm she always shot up was extended out. The needle was in her other hand.

Either she was dead or really fucked up.

I secretly hoped it was the first.

I tried to quietly peel open the front door before blowing this popsicle stand. I had to wait a few minutes until I'm assuming McClain's car rolled up. She unrolled the passenger side window and poked her head into view to let me know it was her sitting in the driver's seat.

I thanked her heaps for being so cool and letting me stay the night with her.

"Anything for you," she said with big fake smile. I got in and closed the door, praying she wasn't going to bring up the New York thing.

But then -

"So...I read your paper."

I died inside.

"And?"

"And..." She grabbed my hand with hers and squeezed it. I glanced up to meet her eyes. They were sad. Very sad. That was all she did/said. I was good with that.

We drove to the presumably 'middle-class' part of town. Eh. I suspected she was loaded. She dresses real nice.

Her flat was pretty alright. Average.

I followed her out of the car and up the pathway to the front door. She locked the car with a little remote and unlocked her house.

"Is this a bad neighbourhood?" I asked.

"I'm paranoid," she explained, laughing shortly. "Everyone always thinks the bad stuff will happen to other people and not them. You never know." I heard the clicking as she pulled the key out then pushed the door open.

I went in behind her and marvelled at her house while she continued talking.

"There was this group of guys that went around one night breaking into every single house on this block. I was spared, thankfully, because I was the only one who actually locked all my doors and windows from the beginning."

"Damn," I muttered, taking a break from eyeing her couch that was covered with a blue blanket with white snowflakes on it.

"Yep." She dropped her set of keys in a little bowl by the door. Shaking off her cardigan, she was left wearing a light purple tank top. She flung it onto the couch and walked to the other side of the living room to what I could tell was a kitchen.

"You can sit down. Do you want anything to drink or eat?"

Plopping down on the couch, I shook my head.

"No. Thanks, though. I ate before I came over."

"Alright." I could see most of the kitchen from where I was sitting. Instead of a wall separating the two rooms, it was a bar sort of thing. She had it lined with three candles every foot or so. I looked passed a vase of purple roses and creepily watched Allyson open the fridge to grab a can of Ginger Ale. I suddenly wanted one.

She grabbed something else from the fridge but I looked away to admire her apartment. The white walls were covered with scattered paintings and a few pictures. One of the pictures was of a girl who looked like she was modelling or something. The others were family, I think.

"Who's that?" I asked, tipping my head towards the picture when she joined me back in the living room. In her hands were two cans of Ginger Ale. She set both down on the little coffee table. Leaning back into the cushions of the couch, she answered me.

"I brought you a drink if you want it. And that's my roommate's sister. She was a model for about a month."

"Oh. Who's your flatmate?"

"You know Miss Otte?"

"The science teacher?" She was incredibly hot. Allyson nodded, popping the tab of her Ginger Ale up.

"I went to college with her," she said, taking a sip. "We've been friends ever since. She should be home by...six, I think." She grabbed the remote that was apparently in between us in the cushions.

"Do you want to watch something?" she offered, flicking the big, boxy TV to life.

"SpongeBob's always a good time."

She smiled at me but nodded.

"Channel forty-two it is."

We got through two episodes before she realised I wasn't one of her adult friends. I was in high school, and school typically means homework.

But I wanted to make out instead.

"Where's your room?" I asked with a smile. Her teeth showed as she grinned at me.

"You can find out after you finish your homework," she said, poking my leg.

"Why not before? I'd like to know what I'm working towards."

"No. I know you, Tyler. You'll 'forget' all about your homework and suggest we play tonsil hockey instead."

I flashed a smile.

"You just understand me, McClain."

"Allyson," she reminded me, smiling. "We're obviously on first name bases now, I think."

"And since we're on first name bases..." I scooted closer to her. She laughed. "...we should ditch homework and fuck."

She tried to get rid of her smile by biting her lip. Bad move.

She whispered with a slow shake to her head, "We can't sleep together."

"Why not?" I whined. Knowing what she was going to say, I talked over her. "We already did all the other stuff. It'd be dumb to not go all the way." She leaned her head back to be propped up against the back of the couch. The way her neck looked - I wanted to kiss it and leave hickeys. She tucked her hair behind her ear as she smiled at me.

"You really want to sleep with me?" she asked softly.

I leaned back too and nodded.

"So, so much."

"Why?"

I want to forget.

"I like you."

Her cheeks were getting red.

I inched closer and closer and when she didn't make any signals for me to stop, I sure as hell didn't. Her eyes drifted shut when our lips touched. I felt her slowly give more and more into the kiss. Her hand going to be placed on my shoulder told me I had her.

I kissed her more aggressively, and when she matched the force, I ran up fingers lightly up the front of her shirt. Only for a few seconds. She sighed impatiently when I quickly pulled my hand from her shirt to grip onto her hip. I moved my hand over her back pockets slowly until she moved her lips down to my neck.

My hand went stationary as my brain tried to comprehend how good that felt.

Both of her hands gripped either side of my neck while she kissed my skin at varying paces. Her tongue poked out every so often to twirl around in fast circles against a certain spot on my neck. My eyes fluttered closed and I tried to hold in a moan that was building up in the pit of my throat.

I had the ache to be on top of her.

Pushing her down gently so she was on her back, I fell in between her legs, taking back over. This time I was the one breathing on her neck in between kisses. She, on the other hand, didn't bother to suppress her moans.

She wound her fingers through my hair, trying to steady her breathing. My mouth stopped just above the top of her tank top.

I looked up to see her eyes were shut as she smiled faintly up the ceiling. Her hands were on my shoulders, clutching my shirt. I slid the straps off her shoulders and reached around her to unclip her bra.

Her hands went to cup her exposed breast and she bit her lip down at me, smiling deviously.

I placed kisses over the tops of her breasts, working my way down. I kissed and touched gently at first, then firmer, harder. When I bit down, her hand flew up to her mouth, muffling her gasp.

"Oh, again," she whispered, knocking her head to the side. "Again."

I took her hard nipple between my fingers and twisted roughly. She moaned, arching her back. She grinded up against me even harder when I bit down on the other.

"Oh, fuck. Fuck, that feels so good."

I grabbed her hand and guided it down to the waist of my jeans. Her fingers fumbled with the button, tripping over themselves to undo the zipper. They slid eagerly into my pants, cupping it through the thin material of my boxers before slipping inside of them. Her nails traced over me gently from the tip down to the base.

I finally moaned and covered her hand with mine, squeezing softly.

She had gone back to kissing my neck and stopped to pull her hands up to grab the bottom of my shirt.

I wasn't thinking. I let her pull it up and off. I didn't think of all the scars and bruises.

She didn't seem to notice. She flung my shirt down to the ground and went back to kiss me on the lips. But her hands, they glided from my neck to my shoulders.

I wanted to grab her hands and pin them down so she couldn't feel anything.

I was too late.

They rubbed quickly over my shoulders and that was all it took for her to jerk away from me. She darted her eyes to see the raised cuts and scars.

I rushed to push my lips against hers again but she whispered, "Tyler," shoving me away. "There's more to it, isn't there? It's not just what happened in New York. Are you going to tell me?"

"It's just New York," I mumbled, leaning forward to kiss her again. "I swear."

She jerked her head back.

"Those are not recent. I -..." She gripped my shoulders and forced me down a few inches to get a look at my shoulder blade. A sharp pain rang through my back. She asked nearly inaudible, "Is that a bruise?"

Ah, *bleep.*

I quickly shot out, "Eczema," without thinking. She knew that didn't make any sense as well and narrowed her eyes at me. I sighed. "New York," I lied again, tilting back to sit up. I reached down to grab my shirt while she laid with her fingers pressing against her lips.

"Are you lying to me?" she asked, pulling the straps of her tank top back over her shoulders. I hesitated before answering. I wanted to cry to her about it. I did. But she'd freak out.

So I shook my head, yanking my shirt back on.

"No." I turned to put my feet onto the floor. She sat up, too, but scooted over grab my hand in hers. Her fingers laced around mine.

"What's your family like? Dad, grandparents?"

"They're family," I said, shrugging slightly.

"You live with your dad, right?" I slowly nodded, going to look at the ground, seeing her eyes skim the long scar on my face. "Were you lying when you said he was just abusive when you were a kid? Is that why you needed a place to stay the night at?"

That word - 'abusive.' I hated it.

"No."

"Tyler," she said sternly. "I really need you to be honest with me, because I can't let you stay in a house where you're getting hurt. I have to do something."

"There's nothing happening. I am being honest."

"Is he abusive to Ellie and Damien, too?"

I threw my hands up into the air in exhaustion.

"No \- he's not like that."

"Then what happened? You're upset about something, enough to...hurt yourself like that. And..." Her voice broke as she bunched her lips together. She whispered out, "Y-you've got bruises."

"I'm fine."

"No. You're not."

I pressed my mouth into a straight line and stared blankly at the TV. I immersed myself into an ad about a Moen retractable sink faucet.

Not gonna lie, I jumped when the front door was suddenly pushed open and a woman with long, wavy ginger hair stood in the doorway. She shook off her jacket then stared at me with confused eyes.

"Uhm," she laughed out, throwing her jacket on a recliner by the door. "Tyler, right?"

I nodded up at Miss Otte while Allyson spoke.

"He needs a place to stay tonight."

"Oh, well..." She jerked her hand up to wave at me. "Enjoy your stay. What are we watching?" she asked, tipping forward to squint at the TV. She answered herself not even seconds later when Drake and Josh were on the screen, both in pink wigs.

"Oh, this is a weird episode," she commented, smiling lightly. She glanced back at us. "May I join?"

Allyson and I hesitated before scooting to separate ends of the couch.

"Be my guest," McClain muttered, motioning to the empty space between us. Otte popped down in the spot and kicked her feet up onto the coffee table.

"Hey." Otte put on a scowl and narrowed her eyes at me. "Shouldn't you be doing your homework, child?"

I was forced to. We didn't get to finish watching Drake and Josh. What a waste of having cable.

-

"You can sleep on the couch," Ally said to me, plunking a pile of blankets and a few pillows onto the sofa.

Yeah, so Allyson just feels like such a long name. I'm a lazy Aussie. She will now be 'Ally' to me. Hope she doesn't mind.

It was almost eleven at night. The only light sources were the faint shine from a streetlight outside and the telly. Otte had gone to bed around ten, leaving Ally and I to watch Food Network alone together. We didn't bother with a make-out session. Things were kind of...awkward now that she was slowly finding out every secret about me.

Dropping a pillow behind my head, I grabbed one of the fleece blankets and covered up with it.

"Alright."

"Mmhmm. Goodnight."

I flopped over to have my back facing the TV, saying over my shoulder, "You too - ah. Thanks, by the way, for doing this." She smiled at me, making her way to the hallway.

"Welcome. Now go to sleep."

***

##  CHAPTER NINE --

*

Ally's fingers traced around the edges of the circular scars on my inner forearm. She sat in front of me on her couch, legs crossed, body turned towards me. Her blonde hair was up in a messy bun, and pieces of it hung in her face as she tilted her head to look at each scar and cut.

My arms were in her lap, palms up. I didn't have a shirt on so she could silently scan my scars. I was facing the TV more than her, but would look every so often when she would take the tip on her index finger and drag it over my skin.

I focused on the news forecast that took up the telly screen. The time read 2:44am.

Neither of us could sleep apparently, and she had gotten up to get a drink, saw I was up, and here we are.

"What are these from?" she asked, continuing to trace the scars on my inner elbow. Her head tipped up as she added, "They're not like the other ones."

Doing heroin. Yeah, no. I wasn't telling her that.

"Cigarette burns," I said, tipping a nod to a set of nearly similar scars that were scattered on my right arm. "Those are, too," which they were.

She took a second before she nodded, looking back down. One of her hands went to grab my left hand while the other hand slid up my arm. It glided over my shoulder and she lightly pressed down. Knowing what she was trying to look at, I let go of her hand to turn around so my back was facing her.

She looked at me before taking her hands and gliding them up to my shoulder blade. Her fingers hovered over the bruise, then they slid down to a spot on the right side of my back.

Another bruise.

Ally kept them there for a couple seconds until she pulled them away completely, moving to left side of my back.

"That's eczema?" Feeling her touch the raised edges of the lightly scabbed area of skin, I nodded. Around the edges were red and tensing under her fingers. She asked quietly, "Does it hurt?"

"Hell yes, like Satan's poking it with a spork."

She recoiled away.

"Oh," she laughed slightly. "Sorry. What are these?" she asked again, fingertip running diagonally left across my back and then diagonally right.

I couldn't think of a lie. I froze, staring at the ground with wide eyes as I tried to think of one. What could cause that other than what really caused them? She wouldn't react lightly to knowing they were scars from being lashed by a belt.

Eh. I could always tell her the truth. Maybe it would be a good thing if she knew. She could do something about it.

But before I could stop myself, the lie sprint out.

"Sex."

I facepalmed myself with a brick.

"Oh," she said with a taken back laugh. "Lethal."

*anxious chuckle*

"Yup."

"And this is from eczema, right?" She was touching the dry, scaly patch of skin. I nodded.

"Yup."

"And the bruises are from your dad, correct?"

"Yu -..." I caught her little mind game at the last second and stopped myself. "Nope." I knew she had forced a smile and felt the smile fall when she pressed her forehead against my non-bruised shoulder blade.

"Yes, they are," she sing-songed, rubbing her head against me.

"No, they're not," I mocked her, bending forward quickly. Her head dropped down and she groaned at me.

"Wow, okay." Her hand suddenly came up and grabbed a handful of my hair. She yanked on it roughly.

I wailed out a groan, knocking her hand back but she yanked harder.

"I'm not telling you!"

"Whhhhyyyy?" she whined, finally letting go. I slung forward and gripped lightly onto the bit of hair she almost succeeded at ripping out of my head.

"Because - you're a meanie."

She scowled at me before sighing, dropping her head back onto my shoulder. I was shocked when her hands snaked around my waist as she pulled me in for a hug. I laughed, a bit confused, but let her, tipping my head back to prop against hers.

"Have you...told the cops yet about New York?"

"Nope."

"You should," she mumbled. Her eyelashes tickled my skin every time she blinked. Knowing she was right, I shrugged.

"Probably, but...nah. "

"You definitely should."

"No."

"Why?"

"I don't want to."

She sighed loudly again, but didn't say anything. Wanting to lie down, I allowed myself to slip backwards. After laughing, Ally slumped back and I was resting the back of my head on her chest. We hooked our fingers together and fell asleep like that.

At least I did.

She woke me up around five a.m. then left abruptly to take a shower.

Ugh. I hope this doesn't become a habit. I'm not forced awake til half past six, the earliest.

After Ally showered, it was Hottie's turn. Blah, blah. Then we left for the school building. I talked with Ally for a few minutes once we got to school, then I went to look for Ellie and Damien. I didn't get any texts back from them last night other than an 'alright.'

Suspecting they were probably in the cafeteria for breakfast, I made a turn for it. The fairly large room was bustling with unnaturally loud and mouthy teens as if they forgot about the hour of morning it was.

Their annoying voice made me cringe and that's what Damien was greeted with when I dropped down into the brown plastic chair beside him. All the others around him were up, including the one across.

I guess El wasn't here yet.

"Mornin,'" he smiled at me, plucking off a small section of donut. He tossed it into his mouth. Propping my chin against my palm, I closed my eyes, mumbling a 'hello.' He went on to ask, "How ya goin'?"

"Fine," I answered shortly. I would've said more, but I was getting a headache. I should've stayed with Ally. Her room's pretty quiet. I made myself ask, "Where'd you and Ellie stay at?"

"Ellie stayed at Shelby's - of course - and I stayed with a friend. He's in the line now."

"Oh. Good."

Seeing I wasn't really up for talking, he had gone back to eating.

I focused on his face, but mainly his right cheek. I found myself scowling at the smooth, porcelain-like complexion he had. Now, I barely get acne and all that, but - I sighed - that stupid scar.

A thing that sucks about having an identical twin, you seem to compare yourself to them in every way - especially if you're not one-hundred percent identical.

I envied his dumb face.

I sat up from my hunched over position to let out a grumble. Ugh. I want to go talk to Ally. I was about to ask Damien where Ellie was at the moment when I was stunned by the chair across from Damien being taken down. I expected to see my sister or any of the friend's we've all made since moving here.

I instead saw the person's earring when it caught the light's reflection and blinded me.

Agh!

I squinted and saw - what's his name - Fabio? I needed one word and one word only to describe his appearance: Spicy. That's it. Hot hot.

Time slowed and sound faded out for a moment when he flashed a smile down at me.

"Twins," he observed, sliding into the seat. "Interesting." He threw his Poptart in front of him, scooting in. For some reason, I noticed he wasn't slouching at all, unlike me; I felt the urge to sit up straight and did.

And there I go again, mimicking my sought-after prey in hopes they dig me, too.

I slumped back into my chair as Fabio continued talking.

"I've meet you before," he said, gesturing to me, "haven't I?"

Our first meeting popped into my head and I wanted to tell him no. I shrugged, glancing up at the ceiling.

"I believe so."

"Really? When?" Damien asked, moving slightly to get in my view. He glimpsed at Fabio.

Fabio said, smiling, "Bathroom." His smile fell for a second then came back up. Damien laughed.

"Romantic."

Fabio cracked another smile at me and my heart did something really dumb. It felt like it stopped for a moment; fluttered, if you will, like one big bi butterfly. I stared at Fabio's hand when it was suddenly inches away from my face.

"Michael," he introduced himself as. I suddenly loved that name.

"Tyler," I said back, taking his hand in mine. We shook them before I drew mine back quickly. "Well," I threw myself into a sitting position and slid out of the chair. "Gonna go talk to McClain. Uhm, later, gay-tors."

Ah, snap. Sick burn.

Damien grinned up at me as they both said their goodbye and I tried to walk calmly out of the caf.

-

"Many took part in the Salem witch trials purely because of boredom. It was a small, little town. They had nothing to do. And..." Mr. Owen bent his nose down as he referred down to the couple sentences we just read out of The Crucible. A bit of Abigail Williams' dialogue. "...Abby says Goody Proctor's spirit came to her and made her have 'impure thoughts' - this was a way they could blame others for their own wrongdoing. Because, at the time, having sexual thoughts and urges was often a no-no - 'She's blackening my name.' She is, not me; I have no control over my own thoughts and actions."

The class pity laughed.

"And as we know, John Proctor commits adultery with Abigail Williams; he's a married and grown man, sleeping with a young teen, but if they blame it on witchcraft...not their fault. They were 'forced to do it.' Alright?"

I saw a couple nods from around the room. He signalled for Kayla to read Abigail's next line, but caught sight of the clock. About half the class turned to glance at the time.

11:18.

"Actually," he said, slipping a couple sheets of paper into the Lit book. He flipped it closed. The class followed suit. "We'll pick up there tomorrow, then watch a part of the movie."

A guy in front of me named Tristan cheered at the last bit of Owen's sentence before hopping up to sit on his friend's desk, which was right next to me. Everyone else broke into small conversations. The one going on beside me - with Tristan and his friend, Sheldon - was the loudest.

I tried to ignore them as they babbled about this Friday night's football game. Waiting for the bell, I pushed my notebook into my backpack, hopping they wouldn't try to include me in their conversation.

Spoiler alert: they did.

Sheldon laughed to Tristian, only making half his sentence coherent.

All I got was, "...like, I'd go for a hot teacher, like Otte or somethin'."

"Or McClain," Tristan said. Well, my interest has been peaked. My eyes flickered briefly to my right and I bit back a scoff. Like she'd go for him. He added, pretending to swoon, "I'd - oh, god. She's just..."

Sheldon laughed, knocking his book side-to-side in his hands.

"Right? Oh, wait." He brushed his fingers against his chin. I felt like he was aiming it at me, so I glanced up. Tristan seemed to already know what Sheldon was going to say; they matched condescending smiles. He said, "McClain's already taken - isn't that right, Tyler?"

"I have no idea what you're talkin' about." I stole a look at the clock and saw we were still at 11:18. Their laughs were accompanied by them clapping their hands together.

"Oh, okay. "

"Yeah, not fooling anybody," Tristan chuckled, fixing his drawstring backpack over his shoulders. "Everybody knows something is going on."

"Like she's my teacher and that's it?"

"If I was boning my teacher..." Sheldon paused to laugh. "I'd brag about it nonstop - especially if I was fucking McClain. I'd own up to that shit." I felt a glare building up; does that mean he thought about fucking her?

She's mine and no one else's - that dumb fuck.

Instead of letting my scowl come through, I made my tone sound like I was joking as I laughed. "And here lies the difference between you and I." They matched my laugh, but didn't get to retort with anything, being interrupted by the fifth period bell ringing.

I bolted up and out of my seat before they tried to strike up the conversation again.

I headed for my locker, which was conveniently right next to my English class. I bobbed and weaved through the oncoming traffic, finally reaching my locker. I quickly twisted in my combo, fishing the lock off.

I plopped my text book into my locker and grabbed my geography book. On my way back up from my crouching position, I flinched as a hand laced through my hair. My wide eyes jerked to my right, expecting to see someone standing there.

No one.

I glanced to my left and locked eyes with, errr, Fabio. He gave me a look over his shoulder, but kept on walking. I fabricated a smile when I saw him throw me one.

He probably thought I was Damien -...no. Damien was at his side, hands flailing around over exaggeratedly as he rambled a story out.

Uh. Alright?

I gave my attention back to closing my locker. Pushing the book under my arm, I turned for Yunker's room where Ellie and I both earned lunch detentions.

-

Conversations didn't bother to stop when I walked into the living room later that day. He lounged back on the couch, a bottle of booze in one hand and a nebula themed hookah pen in the other, rattling on to the circle of 'bff's that crowded around our coffee table, each trying to get a line the same time Vanessa was splitting them up.

She swatted a hand away and snapped to the impatient Mark, "Chill the fuck out. I'm going as fast as I can, Jesus fucking Christ, Osmet – hey, babe."

I forced a tight smile V's way when she spotted me trying to get to the kitchen unnoticed. I ended up having to send it to five other faces when everyone looked up at me.

Ness continued talking - I don't know why I gave her nicknames; she a terrible person.

"You're up late," she said, finally setting the razor blade down, content with the equal lines of coke she made, only to have to sit back quickly to let the hordes of druggies push her out of the way so they could be snorted clean off the tabletop.

Keeping my walk to the kitchen, I got a look at the oven's clock, acknowledged that it read half-past twelve at night, and said, "I'm hungry." The response earned throaty laughs from people who were high off their asses.

"I could go for Taco Bell," I heard Sara remark as she rubbed the back of her hand roughly against her nose.

A thick Aus drawl hinted, "I could go for another beer."

From the open fridge, I grabbed myself a half-empty red Gatorade and for my dad, a Bud Weiser. I was made to fetch a Heineken for Vanessa when she shouted a request, as well. I mumbled a, "Got it," letting the fridge slam shut. Grabbing a thing of Pringles, I carried the load to the living room, handing the beers to their new respective owners.

V straightened her back to press a big kiss onto my jaw, saying that was her thank you, taking the drink from me. I attempted to avoid the contact of the eyes with his scornful grey daggers and failed. He snatched his beer from my hands and cracked the tab back.

I don't get him. One second he thinks what she does is the funniest thing, then the next it's like he's jealous.

He had that look...feeling up-showed by her.

I wasn't sleeping tonight.

I turned my back to the group and went to my room quickly, shutting the door behind me, going blind in the dark room. I was sleeping earlier before I went out for a drink, so the TV was off, but I flipped it back on, dropping down into my bed.

I tore into my snack and fell asleep to reruns of Dual Survival, being forced awake to sloppy neck kisses. The set of lips and the frantic manner wasn't unfamiliar and, though my heart had begun to race, I kept my composure and grumbled, "V, I'm tired." I was able to keep my emotions at bay until she brought her revolting kiss to my mouth and her hands to the waistband of my pyjama bottoms.

On instinct, I kicked my leg out and pushed her back, yipping, "No. Fucking stop."

But she chuckled and shoved me, fixing herself right back where she was. I know – I know I should've just closed my eyes and let her get what she wanted, but something snapped in my mind as it raced.

I smacked her hard across the face and she finally yanked away from me to grip onto her jawline.

In the glow from the TV, I saw her scowl and any mercy she had had left the building.

She came back with two hard shoves against my chest and a countless amounts of slaps to my face. Her tantrum enraged when I grimaced and shoved her once.

Once.

She hit harder and faster, cussing at me like an Australian. Every part of me screamed to fight back, but I knew from experience, it was best to just let her do what she wants. Her smacks continued to come even after I dropped my head back and closed my eyes, clearly choosing not to fight anymore.

Soon, she stopped whipping her hands at me and used them to yank my shirt up as she went back to kissing my jaw.

The whimper I tried so hard to keep in came out when she tugged the waistband of my bottoms down and fixed her mouth below my waist. The tears were building up and I pushed the palms of my hands hard against my eyes. It was for nothing. The rougher her mouth and hands got, the harder it was to hold in my cries.

It was the sound of her gagging on it that pushed me to the brink.

I took in choppy breaths, the tears rolling down my cheeks. What the fuck is wrong with her? Why would you want to do that to someone?

Under my ragged crying was something that made me feel so pathetic.

I became aware that I was blubbering like a baby, just sobbing, "Please, please, please, please," over and over again as if it had any effect on her. She was unstoppable. Her assault seemed to end when she sat back and got up from the bed.

I stayed with my hands covering my eyes, the crying continuing.

My heart leapt, hearing her feet shuffling against the carpet and then her jeans drop to the ground. The bed creaked again and I soon felt her get on top of me one more time. Her head went into the nook of my neck and she moaned, pushing it inside her.

The nauseating feeling made my arms get a mind of their own. I smacked her hard and jabbed her in the chest. This time it wasn't for nothing.

She stumbled back. I kicked her until she groaned and that's when the worst thing happened.

Vanessa was yanked up and off the bed, her back being slammed against the closed closet door. He grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her hard, getting her to shed some tears of her own each time he was too rough and the back of her head made contact with the door.

He dug his nails into her arm and dragged her towards the open door of my room,, shoving her into the doorframe twice before pushing her out into the hall. I heard her cry out, hitting the bathroom door.

If I was stupid, I would've believed he was standing up for me and giving Vanessa what she deserved, but the narrow glare he gave me sent a chill up my spine and I pulled my knees to my chest to cry.

I jumped in surprise when my door was slammed shut and in an instant, my legs were yanked straight and I was pulled to lay flat on my bed. He didn't hold back. He wasted no time with slaps. He punched me in the gut again and again, jerking my hands away each time I tried to hide my face.

I could deal with bruises anywhere besides my face. People would see. Not that he would let that happen anyway.

But it was like he was going to forget that tonight. I cried out in shock when I was yanked right off the mattress and dropped to cower in between the bed and the bedside table. Kicks struck my ribs, but I didn't go to cover anywhere besides my face.

He suddenly stopped. I tensed hearing him undo his belt. It promptly lashed my skin, leaving red scratches behind. Again, he stopped abruptly to yank me to my knees and grab a handful of my hair, pushing my face into my mattress.

I cried when the whipping continued, harder than before. I could feel my skin rip and tear and had to bite the edge of the mattress to keep from screaming.

It felt like it dragged on and on, to the point where I stopped being able to feel his belt leave gashes on my skin. Each time he would stop, I waited for him to throw me onto the bed and finish what Vanessa started, but he never did.

In that time, I wondered where Baby was. I hope she's okay.

As if on cue, the sound of her loud and snarling barks hit my ears. They were muffled and coming from the other side of that closed door. It's almost like her barking registered to him at the same time they did to me.

I no longer felt the tingling of the belt across my back. My head snapped to watch him rip the door open to reveal the unwavering dog snarling like I've never heard before. Her aggressive demeanour stayed intact as he hissed at her to shut up and get out of here or he was going to whip her.

Her barking grew louder but went straightaway into a whimper when he actually did crack the belt back and lash it against her. I expected her tail to drop between her legs, but she regained herself and barked defiantly, dodging the belt.

She ran into the room, over to me and stood in front of me, snarling viciously at him.

His eyes narrowed at her then at me. His finger was pointed in my direction.

"You better watch that damn dog," he said gruffly. The first thing he's said since he came in here. But that was all. The dark stare that came after was the last thing I got from him before I yet again jumped at the door being slammed shut.

The reverb caused the door to crack back open; I found it was now refusing to shut when I hopped up from the ground to lock it. I slumped back and dropped onto my bed, feeling utterly exhausted and weak.

The need to cry was still there, but no tears came out.

Well, I ain't fucking staying here.

My window stuck to the pane when I tried to force it open and I frowned. I snuck a look behind me to survey my dark, quiet room, eyes going to my door. Slightly ajar. A small sliver of light from the hall shined through, reminding me he was out in the living room with a group of his 'buddies'.

I turned back to my window and tried desperately again to push it up, but it wouldn't budge. I wanted to throw my TV through it, anything, to just get me a way out of here.

I sat back onto my bed after a few more failed attempts and scratched Baby's head as she whimpered to me. I decided to try Ellie's window. Neither her nor Damien were here again tonight, selfishly leaving me all alone. I got up and headed for my door, taking a quick peek out into the hallway. To my right was the basement door and further down was the living room - clanking beer bottles getting set on the coffee table made me want to die.

His 'friends' did nothing while he was in here - beating me.

Nothing. They never do anything.

Who would just sit there?

I glanced to my left at the dark end of the hallway. Across from me was the bathroom door, next to that was him and Vanessa's room. Two doors shared this side of the wall with me, Ellie and Damien's room. Both doors were shut.

My door thankfully didn't creak when I pushed it open and neither did Ellie's when I went into her room, Baby trailing at my side. It was also dark, but, after closing the door, I focused on the stream of light from a streetlamp and felt my way over to the window.

Its latch wasn't locked and I easily pulled it up.

"Tyler?"

I nearly shat myself, hand immediately going to be placed over my heart. I squinted when a rectangle of bright light was shined at me as the person flicked their phone in my direction.

"Ellie?" Please be her.

Thankfully, she replied with, "Yeah? What're you doin'? I took a step back from the window, and still being blinded, I looked quickly at the ground, my hand going up to shield my eyes, hoping she'd get the hint.

Muttering an, "Oh, sorry," she put the phone to sleep.

"How long have you been here?" I asked instead. If she was here the entire time...and didn't do anything either...

"Just got back," she said, audibly sitting up. She flicked on her little lamp she had attached to the head of her bed. Its purple tinted light bulb made anything white in her room intensify. She had bought the black light about a week ago and has called me in here so, so often to rub it in my face.

She grinned wickedly at me, eyes trailing around her room.

"Jelly?"

"You're dumb."

She stuck her tongue out at me before asking, "Why? What happened? Why are you trying to sneak out my window, you dag? Why's Baby here?"

Showing instead of telling, I turned my back to her and yanked my shirt up for her to see the fresh lashes running in the shape of an X. They burned from the breeze of air coming in through the open window, but was nothing compared to how it felt to get them.

"That just happen?" she asked quietly. I could hear the regret in her voice. Before I could respond, she brought her hand up to her lips. "I shouldn't have left; I'm so sorry. I - I thought you were goin' to McClain's like usual. I..."

"It's fine." I fished my shirt back down. "I was going now, but...you're back."

"You can go," she said, shaking her head. Ellie slid to the foot of her bed. She was dressed in the same outfit she wore to school - Seahaven jumper, denim skinny jeans, complete with her grey Converse All-Star's. "I'll just go back to Shelby's. I told her if you weren't home, I'd be coming back. I was only in bed because I thought you were Dad."

"You wouldn't mind?"

"It's cool. Shelby and I had sex," she said with another wicked grin. I had to stop myself from saying 'Oh, same.' When she kept talking, the words completely went away. "Like an hour before I came home. It was pretty great."

"Ellie." The confession was trying to resurface. It was right there. Her face fell at the tone of my voice.

"What?" she said, slightly taken back. "We've been datin' for a few months. That's not bad."

"It's not that. It's-..." Maybe I should talk to Shelby about this before I bring it up to her girlfriend. I mean, they weren't even dating when it happened, so does it really even matter?

"Never mind."

"No, what?"

Unable to think of a lie, I went for the window again, sliding my leg through its gap. "It's nothing," I said again, gripping onto the wall to steady myself. I hopped out onto the ground, less than a foot or two below. I beckoned Baby to join me and she did.

Once Ellie climbed through, I asked, "Which way ya goin'?"

She hitched her thumb to the left, yanking the window shut.

"That way - what were you goin' to say? I didn't do anything wrong."

"I never said you did."

"But you were going to say something \- what was it?" she prodded even more. Her blue eyes narrowed then drooped. "Did she do something?" Her tone made me frown. I don't think she wanted the answer as she pouted up at me.

I hesitated.

"No."

"Then what?"

The truth leapt out.

"I slept with her."

Oh, God. Why did I tell her? I wanted to throw this whole dialogue into the Tardis, off into another dimension, never to be found again.

She blinked up at me, face becoming more solemn each second.

Finally - "You what? Are you serious?"

I stiffly nodded. She suddenly barrelled both her palms against my chest, knocking me back a few inches. My skin was already stinging. That didn't help. Baby had begun to growl at Ellie, but she didn't try to bite her. She wouldn't hurt her.

"Why couldn't you keep it in your pants? " Ellie had snapped in a whisper-yell, knocking her little fist onto me again. I grabbed her wrist to stop her but she started wailing her hands wildly at me.

She snarled incoherent words, not suitable for...life, really.

"Okay," - I managed to get her arms into my hands and crossed them over each other. Baby stopped growling. El still tried to manoeuvre away from me, jerking her arms a few times.

"I've just been beaten," I reminded her. "I don't need to be again."

"Then keep it in your pants!"

"Ellie. "

"What?" She ripped her arms away from me to frown. "Why? When?"

"You guys weren't dating yet - if that means anything."

I expected her to start hitting me again, but she seemed to relax.

"Oh. Well, still." She jabbed her fists one more time to shove me, then crossed her arms over her chest. As I regained balance, she sighed, stomping her foot. "I just wanted for once to get a girl that was bi to like me first and not you. I really hate you sometimes," she mumbled childishly, turning her head to glance inside her room. I slanted a look to see nothing but darkness.

"I'm sorry. I really am. You know I've got issues; I tried really hard to stay away from her. I did."

"It's not just you," she sighed again, now glancing up at the sky. "It takes two to tango."

"Did you really just say that?"

"Yeah, and I'm not sure why." She shook her head with another sigh. "Well, I can't wait to grill her ass about this." She pushed passed me to step onto the sidewalk, glimpsing over her shoulder when I tried to laugh.

"Are we going to be okay?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Well...bye?"

"Later."

"Wait. Can you take Baby with you?"

"Fine."

"Bye?" I said again.

"Bye."

Aaanndd she hates me now. Great.

I tipped my head back and groaned. Why am I such a terrible person?

Why am I alive?

Reaching the footpath, I watched Ellie and Baby silently walk down to the end of the block and turn a corner to the left. I looked in the opposite direction, to stare down the road I was meant to be going down, but I looked across the street.

Just down that road is Herrlinger Park, and twenty feet from the entrance of that park was the railroad tracks.

I dug my hand down my back pocket to scoop out a couple quarters I had leftover from my lunch money. I slipped them back into my pocket until I only had one in my possession.

"Heads I don't," I told the George Washington profile, "tails I'm never waking up again." I flipped the coin into the air, flattened in between both my palms, and dared to take a peek.

An American eagle stared back up at me.

My heart squeezed out an extra beat.

My destination was set.

I made it to the park a lot faster than I'd like to've, but didn't slow down at all until I hiked slightly uphill and stood with the tips of my shoes against the rusty railroad tracks. I looked to my right and then my left at nothing.

I took a deep breath and slumped down between the railings, sighing. The crook of my neck rested on the cool tracks, knees doing just the same. I closed my eyes, folding my arms over my chest.

And now we wait.

I told myself that if this was just going to be a repeat of every time before, I would just give up and never try this exit route again. If I'm still laying here, alive, in five minutes, I would get up and walk to Ally's.

I wanted to see her tonight, but my chest and stomach felt hollow. My legs weren't letting me get up. My mind kept everything immobile except my heart rate.

Isn't death supposed to be peaceful? Yet here I am, heart beating a million miles a minute like I just reached the top of a staircase after eating at Macca's.

I inhaled deeply again, trying to slow my heartbeat, but it kept going.

Then I heard it. The loud blare of an oncoming train. What I've been waiting for for years.

My head jerked to my right and I saw the circle of light grow bigger as the train sped down the tracks. I became aware that I was vibrating slightly, making my heart race faster. I could feel it as it got closer, its loud horn blaring even louder every second. My ears were ringing.

I was going to be taken out the same way my mum was.

I suddenly thought about my funeral - if there would be any. Who would be there, open or closed casket...what I'd look like.

Roadkill.

I wondered what Ally would think when she heard the news.

Tears built up in my eyes.

She'll be so disappointed.

I wanted to move; I didn't want her to think of me as a disappointment. But I couldn't move. It was like I was glued to the tracks. I laid there watching the train get closer and closer, pressing my eyes shut when the light got brighter and horn got louder and more consistent.

Then I was tumbling down the side of the hill right as the train zipped by, skidding to a stop at the bottom.

My hands patted frantically over my legs and up to my face and I sat up to look down at myself. I actually sighed with relief when I realised I hadn't been mauled and torn apart by the speeding bullet.

I jumped out of the way, though I didn't remember doing that.

I fell back and pushed my face into my arms, hoodie catching every tear that came out as I finally let it all out.

I can't even kill myself. I finally have the opportunity and I can't do it.

I wiped my sleeves under my eyes and sat up straight. I got out another quarter and asked myself if I was seriously going to do this again.

The train's horn reminded me that I should be smashed into the tracks right now. I fumbled with the quarter.

"Heads I die," I told Washington again, "tails I don't."

I flicked it into the air, but let it land into the pile of grass. I picked it up the way it had landed and squinted at what it told me.

Pushing the coin back into my pocket, I stood up and looked at the train as the end of it sped by. I looked at where I would've been, then sighed.

I turned my back to the hill, slouching down to pick up my mobile. It fell out of my pocket on the way down. After standing motionless for a few seconds, I started the ten minute walk to Ally's house. It was like I was walking dead off no sleep. I blanked out on most of the walk until I was suddenly there at her bedroom window.

And what the fuck. It had started to rain at some point, apparently.

Her window was on the back of her house, towering two stories up in the air.

Otte's was on the front, same height up.

Covering my eyes from falling water, I could see the light buzz of Ally's telly going through the drapes and I checked the time on my phone.

It was almost two in the morning. No way she's still up; she must've left it on.

I searched for something I could chuck at her window to wake her up. I found the same pile of pebbles, sitting just outside the backdoor, that I use every time to wake her up.

Picking a few up, I rubbed my thumb over them to get them as dry as I could before knocking them one by one against her closed bedroom window. The first few slipped from my hands, drenched from the rain.

I had to go through about ten of them before I saw the drapes be yanked back, revealing a sleepy Ally, hair previously up in a bun, but now resembling a lion's mane. She rubbed the back of her hands against her eyes as she squinted down at her backyard.

When her eyes focused on me, she became alert and quickly showed me the palm of her hand, mouthing 'Stay there.'

So I did, waiting for the kitchen light to be turned on and then the backdoor to be pulled open, Ally on the other side.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

I shook my head and that was all it took for her to get up on her tiptoes to hug me. She propped her head onto my shoulder. I returned the gesture, hands gripping around her waist, bringing her closer.

It felt so nice to be hugged, good lord. This should be a form of drugs.

She abruptly pulled away.

"Oh," she pouted, running her fingers through my wet hair. "It's raining..."

"Uh...yeah. I know. I walked in it, actually."

She said, "Oh," again, letting her hands fall down to take my hands in hers while she stepped back to let me into her warm house. "What's wrong?" she asked after telling me to take off my shoes.

"I want to die," I said nonchalantly, peeling off my Converse.

She frowned at me and went in for another hug, making me drop my shoes onto the floor.

She mumbled into my chest, "I'm sorry...that you feel that way and there's nothing can do to make you happy. Is there anything I can do?"

"Honestly?" She nodded. I sighed into her mane of hair. "Hug me."

She gripped on tighter.

Soon, we were up in her room. She said I needed to sleep, maybe I'd feel better, but all that sleeping meant was that I'd have to wake up again at some point.

I laid with my head against her chest, her arms wrapped loosely around my head as a hug, fingers playing with my hair. She didn't seem to care that I had walked in a downpour. She snuggled herself against my soaking wet shirt.

I wanted to have her here for the rest of my life. I felt so much better when she was around. She made me feel so much better about everything. Every bad thought I've ever had went away for a while and I could sleep when I was with her.

I'm such a sap now. What's happening?

Somehow we ended up reversing roles in the hug. She was now the one with her head resting on my shoulder. She was staring blankly ahead. I didn't say or do anything until I saw her blink quickly a couple times and she sniffled quietly.

She was suddenly looking up at me, mouth bunching into a line.

I said warily, "What?"

Her hand came up to graze the side of my cheek.

"Is it him?" she asked, barely above a whisper. I focused on the wall behind her, causing her to sigh. "Will you please tell me what's wrong? How am I supposed to help you if I don't know what's wrong?"

"I'm sad."

"But why?"

"Everything sucks."

"Not everything."

"Most things."

"Do I suck?"

"Yup."

"I meant like do I make you sad, Tyler."

"Then no."

"Can I make you happy?"

"Yeah."

Where did the dialogue tags go?

It took me a second to realise she said 'can' instead of 'do,' and she really asked if she can do something to make me happy.

I pondered on what, but was interrupted by her leaning up to kiss me. After being startled, I kissed back then looked down when her fingers hooked onto the lining of my jeans. I pulled back and shook my head.

"You don't have to do that."

"I know," she said, shrugging. "But I want to." She didn't wait for a response; she gripped her hand around the back of my neck and pulled me down so I was on top of her.

It was another soft, sweet kiss that got rougher when I returned it, because...I'm a horny muthafucka.

Say what you want, that this shouldn't even be happening, but we didn't stop at kissing.

Everything happened so fast. We went from being fully clothed to nothing but a blanket over us.

And it felt so, so good.

***

##  CHAPTER TEN --

-

PRESENT DAY

-

Ally rolled over and took up most of the bed, so now I'm stuck with the mistake of switching on the news at one a.m. out of boredom.

All the headlines from the previous day either had the words 'rape,' 'kidnapping,' or 'murder,' and all those lovely things in them.

I slanted my head sideways to see a sleeping Ally, half laying her back, half laying on her side. Her hands were placed just above her stomach.

I frowned.

There's possibly a baby in her stomach right now. It shouldn't be born into such a vile world. What if they grow up and get raped or kidnapped? I'd lose my shit. I've gone through that and it's not that fun.

A thought popped into my head and I felt sick.

What if they self-harm?

Or...even worse...become the rapists or murders or bullies? What if they're the reason someone wants to die and harm themselves?

Sometimes I wish I could get a glimpse at my future child's life. If they're the douchebags, I'mma whoop them.

Ah. Fuck.

Another realisations came to me.

If I turn out like my dad...in any way...no.

I'm not down with that.

My hand suddenly got a mind of its own and jabbed Ally on the side of her head. She grunted awake with a snort before she groaned loudly.

"Dude," she whined, hands cupping her face. Her eyes snapped open to glare at me. "What the fuck was that for?"

"I can't stop thinking."

"About what?"

"Everything terrible and scary in the world."

She rubbed the back of her fist against her eyes, causing them to grow redder, as she pushed herself up onto her elbows to squint at the TV. "The news?" she asked, tipping her raised eyebrows at me. Her right cheek had the imprints of the pillow on it.

I wanted to touch her face but refrained from it and nodded.

"It's scary. All it is is 'rape, rape, rape."

"It's not like...triggering you, is it?" She finally sat up, pulling her legs into the crisscross-applesauce position.

I shook my head. My thoughts this entire story have been triggering me like crazy. The news was just reaffirming fears and making me regret ever having sex.

I looked down at her stomach, hoping she'd understand. She did.

"Oh," she whispered.

"Yup." We fell silent and just sat there. My head turned towards the TV when the words '...sex offender...' were said. On the screen was a man dressed in a suit, hands cuffed in from of his stomach as he stood in a courtroom. I strained to read the headline and unintentionally rolled my eyes.

'Gym Teacher Sentenced to Prison for Having Sexual Relations with Students.'

Okay, one – Ew. How gross can you get?

And, two - I scoffed. - He wasn't even that cute, what the hell. His hair was thinning and he had bit too much of a pot belly going on for being a so-called 'gym teacher.'

Oh, God. Is that all I found wrong with this? That he wasn't remotely attractive?

I dropped my head down into my hands. What's wrong with me?

I mean, yeah. The 'Ew. How gross can you get?' was aimed at the fact that this forty year old man was boning his students, but...it honestly was because ew, he's like forty.

Ugh. I need mental help.

"Are you okay?"

I shook my head, but when I went to answer her verbally, I nodded and said, "Yeah," then changed my answer instantly. "No, not really." I flicked my hand up towards the TV and groaned. His story was still being given, so don't worry. It's not like I groaned at an announcement about Veteran's Day.

"Ew," she mumbled as they did an unnecessary close up of his face. "He's...wha – how did he manage to get students to sleep with him?"

"There is something seriously wrong with us."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," – my hands flew up into the air in utter exhaustion. – "That's all we find wrong with this, that he's gross."

"Well, he is."

"But there's so much more that's disgusting about this!" I realised I was shouting and grunted, falling flat on my back. My head now dangled off the side of the bed and I met eyes with Baby while she slept soundly on a pile of dirty clothes.

I whined into my hands, "What if that's me in the future?"

Ally's voice rose an octave. "Y-you...? Why you?"

"Well, I'm just saying –"

"You better mean old and fat."

"Alllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyy."

"No. None of that will be you in the future – you'll stick to a diet. Top foods to avoid: fries from McDonald's and little sluts from Brazil."

"She's not a slut."

"Oh, so you're defending her now?"

"No, I'm..." I screamed into my hands. Baby bolted up from the ground and barked at me. I pushed her back down. When she jumped up to lie on the foot of the bed, I sighed at the ceiling. "Maybe," I started then sighed. "Maybe...we should...I should...get...help, like mental help."

A weird sound popped out of her mouth. She asked with slight denial, "You mean like a therapist?"

I nodded slowly. "Before I do something dumb, like her." I pushed myself up slightly to get a glimpse at her face. Ally sat with her brows furrowed.

Now she was whispering her question.

"You're really ready to do anything now, aren't you?"

"Yup."

"But I trust you."

"I don't trust me," I mumbled like a sap, picking at my nails. She sighed, looking down at her hands in her lap. She shook her head slightly, but shrugged at me.

"Alright. I'll...I don't even know where to find a place like that around here."

"I do," I said, pulling myself back up to roll over onto my stomach, still hanging halfway off the bed.

"You do?"

"There's one in Tipp. I went to him a few times when I was in college because of my mum and all that."

"Why don't I know this?"

I shrugged.

"I didn't tell you."

"And why not?"

"Don't know."

Why didn't I? Yeah, it used to take a lot for me to open up to her, but over the years it got so much easier. But I hated her thinking I was weak. I couldn't handle my own problems and had to pay someone to listen to me whine, instead of being capable of fixing myself.

"Well," she huffed, scooting back until she was right up against the pillows. "Sleep. Think you're gonna be able to sleep?" she asked, taking the blanket up and over her legs as she slipped down under them.

"Nah."

She snorted. "That sucks. Goodnight."

I hit her with my pillow.

"You get to sleep in, anyway," I grumbled, plopping my pillow back down on the bed. I leaned up against it, over-dramatically pouting at her. She flashed a smile.

"Hey, not very long. It's at nine-ish, so."

She's going to the doctors tomorrow to see how far along she is in the pregnancy.

"And I bet you're still gonna wake up at five, right?"

She grinned. "You know me."

I deepened my pout.

"Sadly."

She stuck her tongue out at me, flopping back over onto her side, turning her back to me. She waved her hand aimlessly in the air, mumbling, "Turn that off, please, dear? It's starting to depress me, too."

"Oh, anything for you, honey," I mocked, gripping the remote. The room went dark. I laid on my back, staring at the wall in front of me until my eyes adjusted. Then I did something lame. After a sigh, I shifted onto my side, facing Ally's back and gripped a hand around her waist. In one swift movement, I yanked her up against me, propping my chin onto her shoulder. Her fingers instantly locked around mine before she let out a small laugh.

"You're so corny," she teased in a nasally voice.

"Nyyyeaaaaaaaaahh."

-

"Participation points?"

"I'll do it!" Gill announced loudly, popping her hand up into the air.

I passed the clipboard with the seating charts plastered on it to the boy sitting in the first desk of Gill's row. I told him to hand it back to her, and once he did, I fell down into my swivel chair and wheeled closer to my computer screen.

I turned on the projector with the little remote and positioned my hands over the keyboard, tilting my head around the room.

"Name some cooking terms – uh, Shannon."

Her hand retreated to rest under her chin.

"Mix?"

I typed the word into the blank Microsoft document, then called on the next volunteer. Gill.

"Boil," she said, "as in Susan Boyle."

The class lol'd while Gill's friend laughed out, "That was a good one, Gillian."

She tipped her a nod. "Thanks, Ashton."

I added 'boil' to the list and focused on the new hand that came up. Rebeca's. She had this...crooked smile, and when she said her suggestion, I understood why.

"Whip?"

I let it's double meaning slip over my head and typed it thoughtlessly. We got through about ten more generic cooking terms until Rebecca was here to help again.

That smile returned as she said, "Harden." I narrowed my eyes at her, hindering the word from becoming part of the growing list. The class bursted out with laughter. I kept my glare on her, but typed it anyway.

I said sternly, "Remember, these have to be school appropriate."

"What is it even?" Gill asked.

"Oh, I didn't tell you? A recipe poem. I have some examples." Minimising the document, I brought up a folder and clicked on one of the files marked 'Baked Stepfather.' Not written by me this time. I got it from the Internet, so uh rights reserved to the author.

"Can I read it?" Gill requested in a very monotone voice, but when I nodded, her tone lightened up.

'10 cups anger

8 cups religious hypocrisy

8 cups rage

6 cups bitterness

5 cups fear

5 cups insecurity

Scant teaspoon love

Mix anger, bitterness, rage, and religious hypocrisy well. Spread

over fear, covering it completely. Let love sit until cold, then sprin-

kle haphazardly onto the pan. Stir in insecurity. Bake at 500 de-

grees until hard shell has formed.'

"What's 'scant'?" she asked immediately.

I shrugged, standing from my seat, grabbing the rubrics off the top of my desk.

"Hell if I know."

Giggles spread around the room. Seeing the stack of pass-out-able papers in my possession, Gill hopped out of her seat, but when she tried to snatch them from me, I held them higher up in the air.

"You know how many points you have?" I asked her rhetorically. "Too many. Does anyone else want to hand these out?" Rebeca's hand was instantly in the air. "Uh," I scanned the room eagerly, "anyone else?"

Rebeca's mouth fell open slightly. "Wha – I offered."

Unfortunately.

I scrunched my nose in protest, but sighed intensely, forking them over to her. "I mean, I guess."

For a split second, she grazed each fingertip over my knuckle before gripped onto the papers. She didn't wait for me to step back to give her room before she stood up, purposely knocking her shoulder against my elbow.

She peeked up through her lashes and smirked.

I ignored it, heading back over to my desk. The students immersed themselves into several conversations while she quickly passed the rubrics out.

I slyly went for my mobile to check the time. Five after nine. Ally's appointment would've started a bit ago. In her place today as a sub was Mr. Wortman, who apparently subbed for me while I was out 'ill.'

In the last second before my screen blinked to sleep, I realised I had an unread text. I swiped the lock bar to check the message. It was from Ally, came in around eight. She wanted me to know she had just woken up, very obviously rubbing it in. I texted her back the emoji of a purple eggplant.

Right as I hit send, my eyes drifted up to the shadow standing in front of my desk. Rebeca still smirked down at me, about ten or so rubrics in her outstretched hand.

"No phones in school, Mr. Williams."

I involuntarily cringed at her calling me that. Yes, that's the way students should refer to their teachers, cuz respect or something, but I knew that wasn't her intent. She was getting more and more forward with everything lately. More ballsy.

I wasn't exactly hating it.

I fabricated a smile, rolling my eyes. I slid my phone under a folder on my desk, saying, "What phone?"

Her smile grew as I tried not to snatch the papers from her.

I waited for her to just say 'Uh-huh,' then scamper back to her own desk, but she stayed put, flattening her palms on my desk. She leaned forward slightly to say, "I don't understand...what we're doing in Speech now."

"It's any topic you want," I said simply.

"I've never written speeches."

"Really? Never?"

"Not in American."

"Well, what do you need help on?"

"My English. I'm getting better at speaking it, but I can't write it as good."

"Easy." I picked up a pad of Post-It notes, grabbing a pen. I asked, "Do you have a Study Hall? You can come in if you really need help. I'll write you a pass. Or in the morning."

She shook her head, almost seeming genuine.

"I don't have time. No Study Hall and I walk to school."

"Well," I pushed out a chuckle. "We're gonna have to meet halfway on this somewhere. If you can't write speeches, you're not gonna have a great chance of passing Speech. Can you ask a friend to help you with your English?"

"I could, but...I just thought it would make more sense to ask you. You're my teacher; you know what I need the help on."

She had a point. Maybe. Or is that my hormones talking?

"What did you have in mind?" I asked, willing to at least pretend to consider any of her suggestions. "If you don't have a Study Hall and get to school too late when can I help you?"

"They do tutoring outside of school, don't they?"

Oh. No.

I did this weird mix of a scoff and a laugh, shaking my head.

"I – yeah, I don't think that's really appropriate."

"But I need help."

But I need to stay out of prison.

"I'm sorry, Rebeca, but I can't help you outside of school."

"But – why not?"

Though her tone told me she really meant what she was saying, there was a slight glimmer in her eyes, and the corner of her lips were threatening to smile.

"You know why." The retort came out more...playful than I meant them to, creating a smile on her face.

"I'm only asking because I really need help."

"And I'm willing to try to help you, but I can't meet with you outside of this classroom."

She was silent. Before answering me, her smile became more scheming and she leaned forward a bit more, now towering closer to my face. I sat back in my chair and focused on turning the projector off.

I let my eyes zip to her face momentarily when she asked deviously, "What do you think will happen if we're alone –"

I interjected with another excuse, "I just think it'd be awkward." She kept talking over me.

"What do you want to do to me, Mr. Williams?"

"Rebeca. I can't help you anywhere but in school."

"Because you want me?" She said it like it was more of a statement then a question. I looked around the room, hoping Gill or anyone, really, would suddenly have a question, then I would have to direct my attention away from Rebeca, but everyone was oblivious to what was happening. I checked the time and saw there was still fifteen minutes of class.

My head snapped back to Rebeca when she said, "I want you. Don't you want me?"

Those words...they sounded so familiar. Then I realised it was because I had said them to Ally back when she was my teacher, and then we did the sexy time stuff.

My jaw clenched and I quickly shook my head up at Rebeca, but didn't look at her.

"You don't want me. You can't."

"Yes, I do. There's not much of an age gap between us. It's not wrong."

"It is wrong. I'm your teacher."

"But I like you."

Is this what I was like to Ally? Just so persistent and openly inappropriate? How did she put up with me?

"Rebeca," I said more firmly. "Go sit down. Please. I'll see what I can do about helping you, but it has to be in school. If you keep acting like this, I'll refer you to another Speech class. Got it?"

And she smiled.

"Yes, sir."

She finally turned for her desk, but kept her head angled back slightly towards me.

I promptly circled my chair around so the back faced her and stared wide-eyed at my computer. I really needed this therapy thing. Rebeca's not letting up at all. If anything, she's loosening up.

And I don't know how much longer I can hold off.

-

Ally didn't come back to work for the rest of the day, like she told me she would. Instead, I walked into our apartment to see her sitting hunched over on the couch. She was staring blankly at the TV with a big, wool blanket draped over her. Her chin was propped up on the palm of her hand, her elbow on the arm of the couch.

Her eyes looked so...dead.

It took me a couple seconds to realise they were slightly bloodshot and her cheeks were puffy and red.

"You okay?" I asked warily, pushing the door shut behind me. I took a few steps forward to see what she was watching then flickered my eyes back over to her as she grimaced but didn't look up to me.

She slowly shook her head before letting out a single whimper.

Her hand closed over her mouth when she pushed out another, finally bringing those suddenly glassy eyes to meet mine.

I lost my heartbeat for a second. Something was wrong. She was upset enough to cry and it felt like that killed me. I hoped it wasn't something I had done.

I knelt by the sofa, crouching between her legs. I snaked my hands around her waist and pulled her closer, bending down to try to make eye contact with her, but she averted her gaze down each time.

"What's wrong? Did you get hurt? Did you watch the news? I..." She went to the doctor's today. My voice dropped along with my heart. "Is the baby okay?"

The sentence crumbled out of her mouth.

"It's gone," she whispered, scowling again. "And it's all my fault."

"Your fault? How?"

"R-remember..." She cleared her throat, finger fumbling with her cardigan's buttons. "R-remember when I told you that I was spotting? I wasn't spotting because of a period, but because..." She took a sharp intake of breath and shook her head again. She blinked up at me, frowning. Her voice cracked as she said, "I had a miscarriage."

A miscarriage.

A...I suddenly felt empty. She was pregnant at some point...and now the baby's gone. And I was missing something I didn't even know really existed.

I've heard so many times the trauma having a miscarriage can leave on a woman. I didn't want her to feel that.

"That's not your fault," I told her softly, pushing her chin back up when she dropped her head down.

"Yes, it is!"

"No, it's not. Did they say what caused it?"

"Me," she snapped. "Because I fucking smoked."

"Wha - ?" She cut me off.

"It's all my fucking fault," she said again. I gripped her chin and made her look at me. She was breathing hard, her jaw clenching and unclenching.

"But you didn't know..."

"It was laced with meth and ecstasy. They ran a drug test on me. Our baby is dead because of me."

"Stop blaming yourself. You smoked because I had the weed out."

"I don't usually smoke just because you are. But this time, I did, and..." Her words disappeared into another whimper. She darted her eyes up to mine. They grew glossier by the second. "Do you hate me?" she asked quietly.

"Hate you?" I said. "No. Why would I hate you? It wasn't your fault. Look," – I tugged her closer until our foreheads touched. – "We can try again – if you want. Do you want that?"

She nodded solemnly.

"I do. I wanted a baby so badly. I really want to be a mommy."

I pressed a kiss against her hairline, then one on her lips.

"Then we'll try again. If that's what you want, I'll do that for you."

"You would?"

"Yeah." I nodded. "I want you to be happy. I-..." My mouth had three words it really wanted me to say, but they caught in my throat at the last second. I forced them out. "I love you. I know you probably don't believe me, but I really would do anything for you."

She tilted her head to the side and looked at me in shock.

"You...you love me?"

"Of course I do."

"You're not just saying that?"

"I wouldn't lie about that. Do you love me?"

It took her a second, but she slowly began to smile, nodding.

"Yeah," she whispered, smile getting bigger. "I've been waiting to hear you say that for a long ass time."

"And I would've said it a long ass time ago, but..." I shrugged. "I don't know why I didn't. I just...love is scary."

She laughed lightly.

"You could say that again."

So I did.

"Love is scary."

She pushed her hand onto the side of my face and told me, "Go away. You're such an ass."

I grinned at her.

"Ew, you love an ass."

She rolled her eyes, mumbling, "Unfortunately."

I mocked her in a scratchy voice, "'Unfortunately! ' – God, you're so blah, blah, blah." I bent forward to kiss her a few times on the cheek, getting her to smile even more. I pulled back a bit to run the pad of my thumb under each of her eyes.

"Oh." She pulled her sleeves over her fingers and dragged them over her cheeks. When she placed them back in her lap, I took my hands up to cup her face, giving her a kiss on the nose.

"You gonna be alright? Maybe?"

"Maybe," she said, shrugging slightly. "I'm tired. I think I'm gonna go cry myself to sleep."

"Want a cuddle-buddy? I've been in need of a good cry."

"Be my guest."

-

I'm feelin' depressed as shit right now. Along with Ally. Literally all we've been doing this lovely Saturday morning is lay in bed with the TV on in the background.

Ally laid with her head on my shoulder, legs bent over mine. I just had my hand lying limply on her knee.

Everything feels so unreal now. I didn't like it.

"Tyler," she suddenly whispered in her sleepy voice.

"Hmm?" I mumbled, not bothering to open my eyes. She sighed.

"Can we get high?"

"I thought you were done with drugs?"

"I've changed my mind."

"Uh." I pushed myself up onto my elbows. Ally sat up as a result. She was getting bags under her eyes now, which doesn't really add up. All we've done the past couple days is lie in bed and sleep. I'm not joking.

But there have been times that I'll get waken up in the middle of the night and hear her crying. Either she'd be in the bathroom or tucked under the covers.

Maybe getting high would make her feel better. Maybe it'd make me feel better.

"Do you know anybody?" I asked, extending my hand out to grab my phone from the bedside table. I probably had some people in here.

She shook her head after a second in thought.

"Not that I can recall. You always go get it."

Flicking through my contacts, I sighed. "Usually Eric, but he's at work right now. I could try his house anyway. Nakiah's probably there."

"Alright."

I kicked the blanket off of me and dropped my legs off the side of the bed. My bare feet touched the growing pile of dirty laundry and I bent down to grab a pair of pants. Pulling them on, I asked her, "Ya gonna come with me or you wait to stay here?"

"Stay. I'm afraid if I try to stand, I'll fall flat on my face. I'm knackered."

"Knackered?" I laughed. She grinned.

"It's been nearly five years, Tyler. I'm surprised I'm not an exact copy of an Australian."

I smiled, bending down to kiss her forehead. "I'll be back soon," I said, pulling on a random hoodie. "Don't completely go off the deep end without me, 'right?"

"You got it, dude. Don't get jibbed," she shot back snootily.

"You got it, dude. Later."

"Bye."

I shoved my phone into my pocket and made my way to the door, dragging it shut behind me. On the couch was my Nike drawstring backpack, and in it was a twenty, maybe more. Enough to buy me a gram or two.

I unlocked the car door and hopped in, throwing my bag to the passenger's seat. It had started to rain sometime this morning, now just drizzling. Baby loves the rain. I should've walked her.

Eh. Nonetheless, I turned the engine over and back out of the parking lot, only feeling a touch guilty.

The drive took about five minutes before I reached one of the most shadiest houses on the planet. You could tell just from looking at it that it was owned by drug dealers. And it was an ugly yellow, too, with splatters of dried up mud on the sides. There was proof of failed flower gardening laying out in the pots that were placed pointlessly on the front porch.

You'd think they'd afford a better set up all the shit he sells.

I trekked quickly from my car and up onto the porch of Eric's house. I balled up my fist and knocked it against the horrifically red front door.

Red and yellow? Really?

After a few knocks, the sound of several locks clicked and the door opened a crack, then all the way as Nakiah Steele recognised who was standing on the other side.

"Well, look who it is," she grinned at me through the little slits she called eyes. Her ginger hair was up in a high ponytail that failed to really hold it up. "Haven't seen you in months. Eric's not here."

"Well," I put on a big smile. "Think you could help me out then?"

Her smile matched mine but was more knowing.

"I could try – come in."

I stepped in to be suffocated by the intense reek of dank and beer. Bottles sat on the coffee table next to crumpled sheets of foil.

"What did you want?"

I took the twenty from my pocket and held it in the air.

"Some purple kush would be nice."

Nakiah started towards the hallway, which I knew had a door that led to the basement.

"Take a seat. I'll be right back with your order."

I decided against her offer and stayed standing in the centre of the lifeless living room. I didn't expect anyone else to home besides her. It's just her and Eric. I've known them since college though they're about ten years older than me. Meet them at Macca's. Best friendship ever.

I blankly watched the TV until Nakiah came treading back up the stairs. I heard her close the door behind her then saw her come into the living room with a quart Zip-loc baggie.

"You're an angel, Nakiah," I said, taking the bag from her.

"I know I am. Is that all you wanted? No heroin?"

"Eh." My eyes went to her stomach momentarily when I noticed there was a bit of a bulge to it. Like a pregnant bulge. Uh. Should I ask? What if she's just getting fat? I answered her first with a shake to my head. "No, thanks. I haven't done that in years. Plus, I just gave you all my money. And I doubt Ally would be down with that."

"How is she, anyway? Is any of this gonna be shared with her?"

"The weed," I nodded, then cleared my throat. "She's a bit upset lately. We, uh – are you...?" I gestured to her stomach. She crinkled her brows at me, but glanced down at and backup to laugh.

She nodded with a smile. "Yup, about four months. Why is she upset? Is everything okay?"

"Uh. She..." I was deciding against telling her. This was personal business. But I wanted someone to talk to. Maybe Nakiah could talk to Ally and try to make her feel better.

No. Seeing a woman who was succeeding so far with a pregnancy would probably depress her even more.

Still, what I thought was going to be so hard to say, still came out.

"She's – she had a miscarriage about a week ago, apparently."

Nakiah's jaw dropped and she gasped. "Oh, no."

"Yeah, she went to the doctor's Thursday morning, and..." I inhaled sharply. "It's not there anymore."

"Oh, god," she whispered again. She held her hands over her mouth. Her eyes drifted down to her stomach and she shook her head sadly at me. "I couldn't even imagine how...how she must be feeling. If I lost my baby now..." She trailed her sentence and shook her head one more time.

She asked, "H-how are you?"

"Weird. We didn't even know for sure if she was pregnant; that's why she was going to the doctors to get the professional answer, and then...this is what she's told instead. I just feel..." Dead. "Weird."

She stood there, looking at me with eyes full of pity. I shifted my gaze to the TV, hoping she would stop soon. She did by holding her index finger up to me.

"Wait here," she muttered, spinning around to go towards the hallway. I heard a door open and close. The basement, I think. She returned a few second later with an even smaller plastic baggie. It looked like one of the ones you get when you buy, like, a sweater and it has those extra buttons in them.

But this one didn't have anything like that in it.

This one had a light brown-ish powder in it.

I recoiled away when she tried to drop it in my hands.

"Nakiah," I said, shaking my head. "I really don't need this. I can't even pay you for it."

"It's on the house -"

I interrupted her, dropping my mouth open.

"That's an ounce," I noted out loud. They usually make about a hundred bucks off an ounce and she's gonna give it to me for free?

"I know Ally's not into it, but you are. Weed for her, heroin for you. Take it for yourself."

It was so tempting. I only seemed to be remembering the good things about it. Nakiah ignored my refusing and slipped the bag into my hoodie's front pocket.

"Take it. Pay me back later, if you want. You can't stay sad."

I ended up leaving that house at least $120 worth of drugs that I only paid twenty bucks for. I guess that's the benefit of being friends with your dealers.

When I got to our flat, I hung back in the car for a few seconds to stare down at the baggie of heroin. I don't even think I have any needles or a pipe. I haven't needed them in so long. I shoved it into my bag and put the weed in my front pocket.

I hopped out of the car and went up to our home.

Ally was still laying in the bed, eyes closed. I said her name a couple times but she didn't really react other than shifting to lay on her side. Well, at least she's not dead.

I knelt by my bedside table and dropped the weed in the top drawer. I went through a couple drawers, inspecting each quickly, but didn't find what I was looking for. Becoming desperate, I left our room for the guest's bedroom and filtered through a few boxes.

I silently cheered when I found a grey bag in the third box I checked. I pulled it open and sighed. About five syringes were inside, but I aimed my eyes for the small clear pipe. I grasped the bag into my hand and sprinted to the bathroom, pulling the door shut behind me. I put the toilet seat down and sat, shrugging my bag off.

There was a lighter in the side pocket. I grabbed it and the heroin, setting them both on the sink counter.

I stared at them and asked myself if I was really going to start this again, but secretly hoped I remembered how to smoke it.

I was seriously considering breaking a six month clean streak.

But...Nakiah did sort of give it to me for free. I can't let it go to waste.

"Just a little bit," I reasoned aloud with myself, reaching for the pipe. If it's not what I remember it being, I'll sell it and be able to pay Nakiah back a lot sooner.

I shook out a small dose into the pipe then grabbed my lighter. I ran the bulb-like section of the pipe over the flame until it started to give off a wave of smoke and the powder began to fizzle.

I don't understand why Vanessa never smoked it. She always injected it and I'm ten thousand percent sure she did it wrong, which is probably why she finally fucking died about a year ago. I'm just happy I never have to see her again unless I die from an overdose and meet up with her in hell.

Better than bunking with my dad in prison. He finally got caught for drugs two years back.

I gave my attention back to what was in front of me when I started smelling smoke. I flicked off the lighter and shoved it onto the counter. The heroin melted into a dark liquid, resting down in the bulb of the crack pipe, but still had small chunks of brown in it. I heated it with a flame for a few more minutes then brought the pipe to my mouth.

I inhaled a little, knowing I had to start out slowly, then work my way back up. Within minutes, I started feeling warm - and heavier. My arms were having a hard time holding up the pipe. But what I was feeling made me keep it from tumbling to the ground.

I felt good, like I was having twenty orgasms at once. Seriously. It was what sex used to feel like.

I got a few fuller puffs in before I heard a door open and quickly recognised it as my bedroom door. I heard Ally's footsteps go pass the bathroom and out into the living room.

If she knew what I was doing...she'd flip. I don't even think she knows I'm home –

My mouth grew dry all of a sudden and my throat tightened, then shot open. I was forced to double over as I hurled into the trashcan placed conveniently between the toilet and the tub.

The smell of puke wafted up into my nose and I retched loudly again. It was like a Family Guy episode.

"Oh, god," a voice gasped from behind me. I was too busy hurling to hear the bathroom door open and Ally run in. "Tyler!" Her hands clutched onto my shoulders momentarily but released when I kept throwing up.

My stomach was in knots, my throat burned.

After a few painful gags, the puke stopped coming out and I dry-heaved over the trashcan until I became aware of the horrible odour radiating out of it. Another gag and I pulled myself up, leaning my head back. It touched a hand towel hanging from the rack. I stared at it before grabbing a corner and wiping it over my mouth.

The crack pipe was suddenly inches away from my face.

"What the fuck are you doing with this?"

I stared indifferently at Ally and shrugged.

"I..." I could taste the vomit left in my mouth and I stopped talking to hock a loogie into the trash can. I flopped back into my previous position and groaned, closing my eyes.

"Tyler," she snapped, gripping a wad of my hair between her fingers. She angled my head up. "Look at me."

My eyes fluttered open, but wouldn't focus. They wanted to close.

"Answer me," she said, tapping her finger against my forehead.

I instantly got a headache and scowled at her.

"Fuck off," I grunted, grabbing her hand to push it off. "I was just..." I couldn't find the words, and didn't really care. I went back to staring at the insides of my eyelids. Why does it matter so much to her? I wasn't doing anything wrong.

"No. You promised you wouldn't do this again."

"Well, I lied."

The high was slowly starting to come back. It was like a sneeze; I could feel it creeping up.

My breath caught in my throat as the euphoric feeling inched over me.

It was so, so good.

If she knew how good it felt, she'd lighten up.

A bolt of energy suddenly pulsed to my brain. I sat up straight and grabbed the pipe from her hands. I snatched the lighter from the counter and flicked it on.

"Baby," I said, running the flame under the bulb again, "you have to try some."

"No," she said like I was crazy.

"Wha – why not?"

"It's heroin. That's why."

"But it's so good." I inched the lighter next to the sink and brought the pipe to my mouth, inhaling quickly because I knew she'd yank it away from me seconds later. Which she did.

"Stop," she growled, locking her hands around my wrist. The warm sensation tingled through me, anyway, making me close my eyes to savour the feeling. I heard her set the pipe down on the edge of the bath, then she sighed. "How'd you even afford that?"

"Nakiah just gave it to me."

"Why?"

"Because 'we haven't seen each other in months.'"

"Did you at least get the weed?"

I smiled and nodded. "In the top drawer."

"Good. I get more than half of it, because you're pissing me off right now."

"Because I smoked?"

"Yup."

"Can I at least keep the heroin?"

"No!"

"Ally," I scoffed. "I can't let it go to waste. She could've sold that to me for a hundred bucks, but gave it to me for free. I'm smoking it all."

"No, you're not. I'm not gonna let you overdose."

I rolled my eyes. "I won't O.D."

"You don't know that!" she exclaimed, throwing her hands up into the air. "You've almost before."

"Yeah, that was before."

"Oh, what's so different now?" she asked sarcastically. "You know...I get that this is hitting you hard; it's killing me, but...don't turn to hard drugs." Her tone changed drastically. "Please. If I have to hang on, so do you."

"I'm not letting go."

"Really? Let me see your arms."

"No," I argued, flinching my arms out of her reach, hooking my hand together behind my back. "That's not always an accurate depiction of how I'm feelin'. Sometimes I just do it to do it."

"Have you cut lately?"

"No." Truth. In place of cuts were cigarette burns.

"Then let me see." She went for my wrists but I sat on my hands.

"Why is it so hard for you to believe me?" I countered when she huffed at me. "If I'm telling you one thing, you believe the opposite. You don't trust me at all."

"I trust you completely. I know you can't magically stop thinking the way you do and acting out like that, so I...I'm scared...that you're not telling me everything."

"But I am."

"I don't know that. Please," she began to beg again. Her eyes started to glaze over with a fresh layer of tears. "Please stop doing things that could kill you. I need you, especially right now, and it feels like you don't care sometimes."

"I care too much if you haven't noticed."

"Not about what you need to."

That was kick to the nads.

I didn't say anything back. How could she think I didn't care about her?

"You hide so much shit from me," she said quietly. "I know it, but I'm still here. I guess I just love you too much -"

"Stop," I said. "Stop acting like everything I do and say is one big lie. I love you too, but if you're gonna stand here and make me feel like shit, you know where the fucking door is. I'm not forcing you to stay."

"Okay, you know what?" She struggled to finish her sentence and shook her head. "I'm sorry, alright? I haven't slept properly in a few days, and...I'm sorry."

Did I just...get her to apologise, though I'm really the one at fault?

Well, damn.

"It's fine," I sighed. She looked down at her hands, down at the crack pipe.

"It's smells like vomit in here," she mumbled. "What's so great about this?" she asked, altering the subject slightly. "Heroin, I mean."

"Feels good."

"That's it? People waste their lives on something just makes them feel 'good'?"

"It's like weed, but a thousand times better. Like a constant orgasm."

She snorted out a laugh.

"Really?"

"Really, really. Did you want to try it?" I asked. If she tried it, maybe she'd understand. But then again, I didn't want to bring her down with me. She could get addicted easily. That was scary, and she wanted to try for a baby again. Drugs are what stopped us from parenthood before. If she went through another miscarriage – I don't think she could take it.

Thankfully, she started to shake her head. "No –...a constant orgasm, you say?"

I smiled. "It's ace."

"How would I even...smoke it?"

"Ally, you don't have to do it."

"No, no. I'm interested now. A little won't kill me...right?"

"I mean, it shouldn't." I took it back from her and hesitantly grabbed the lighter. I peeked up her. "You really want to try it?"

"A little," she repeated. "I'm curious about all the hype."

"Well..." I got up and grabbed her hand, leading her out of the bathroom. "It does smell horrid in here," I mumbled in agreement, letting her take a seat down on the bed when we reached the boudoir.

She laughed while I brought the lighter up. It twinkled on and we both stared at the flame. I glanced out the corner of my eye at her. She looked more transfixed by the flame than anything else.

"You want this?" I asked again, needing to be sure before I singlehandedly ruined her life. Though she took a second to nod, I hesitantly heated the liquid until it began to give off a stream of smoke one more time. When I felt like there was enough, I set the lighter back in my pocket and slowly pushed the pipe towards Ally.

"Oh, uh. You first."

She was having second thoughts. I focused on the opening of the pipe and closed my lips around it, inhaling. The same wave of warmth flowed through me, but it wasn't as intense as before. The bit that was left was getting weaker. Good. She didn't need to immediately get high off her ass.

There was no instant effect from the drug. I knew it would take a few minutes longer now.

I breathed out a small puff of smoke and handed to pipe to Ally.

She stared down at it as I grabbed the lighter to heat it again. When the vapour was produced again, I mumbled, "Inhale it." She stalled a couple more seconds but slowly brought it to her mouth and kept her eyes on mine. She draw a breath in lightly. I waited for her to react, but she just sat there, exhaling the smoke cloud.

"Well?"

"I feel...warm – does that make sense? Tingly."

I took the pipe back from her, seeing the smoke still pour out. I inhaled until the inside became transparent again.

The usual warmth...and then bam. Orgasm galore. Not as extreme as before, but - I dropped back and rested on my bed. My eyes drifted shut just as she she asked, "Orgasm?"

"Oh, yeah."

"Why isn't that happening for me?" she said sadly. I held the pipe back out for her and then the lighter.

"Remember what I did? Do the same. You'll feel it soon."

Something clanked down onto the bed. I blinked to see she had dropped the lighter. She sat motionless with her eyes closed, her fingers wiggling in the air.

"Oh, I feel it."

"Is it good?"

"Mmm."

"Told you."

She laid down next me, pushing her head onto my shoulder. I slipped my hand under neck, lacing my fingers through her hair. She dropped her eyes closed and sighed. I pressed a kiss against her nose. She crinkled it and laughed.

"You need a Tic-Tac," she giggled. "You smell like vomit. I'm gonna hurl."

I laughed at her. "I did just throw up not even five minutes ago. If you throw up, I'm fucking bolting."

She grinned real toothy at me. She sat up and felt her hand around the top of the bedside table. "No promises. Have a piece," she said, throwing a packet of Extra gum at me. "You need it." I let it land on my chest for a few seconds, my arms too heavy to lift up. Ally had the pipe in her hands again, lighter gliding under it. She breathed in deeply and took the pipe from her mouth. Eyes fluttered shut as she sighed. A couple seconds and then she set it back on the table, letting herself dropped next to me. She propped her chin on my shoulder before inching her lips towards my mouth. She stopped short and groaned, "Did you have a piece?"

"My arms are dead."

"Dead?" She grabbed the packet and took a metallic rectangle out of it. She threw the pack down off the bed, unwrapping the gum. "Open," she slurred to me. My mouth fell open and she dropped the piece in.

I slowly started to chew. My jaw was tired, but when she leaned forward to move her mouth over mine, it loosened right up.

Again, time sped up and blanked out for me. We were suddenly sitting side-by-side, passing a joint back and forth, then under the covers naked. I finally got my sex.

Oh my, was it good. But better than before? Yes. That may just be because I haven't had sex in about a week and was also higher than a muthafucka, but we'll just say because of our current relationship status.

It was intense – and amazing. This was all we needed all along. Drugs. It was like it was way back then. I didn't hate myself after; I didn't feel shallow and gloomy.

She was all I wanted and kept my attention the entire time.

If we got high as fuck before sex – for the rest of our lives – we would be just fine. If it stays this good, I didn't need anyone else anymore.

It just sucks that it takes heroin and weed to make me feel this good after sex.

But what she doesn't know won't kill her...right?

***

##  CHAPTER ELEVEN --

"Gah. I can't get up," I muttered as my attempt to sit up failed. "Ugh." I grunted giving up, laying back down on the couch with a sigh. And then I realised something. Something so...horrid. The remote...was on the other side of the room, on the TV, and Everybody Loves Raymond was on next.

I didn't want to watch that. I could kick myself. Why hadn't I grabbed it when I walked in the room? Why hadn't Ally left the remote on the couch where it belonged? I could kick her, too.

The front door of my apartment creaked open and there stood Ellie. She gave me a smile and walked in, grabbed the remote off the TV, chucked it at me, and then walked into the kitchen with a "I can't let you watch that shit."

"I love you!"

She came back out with a carton of French silk ice cream and two spoons.

"I know, I know." She sat on my legs forcing me to sit up, and rip my legs out from under her. Ellie handed me a spoon, tore off the cardboard lid, took a spoonful of French silk, and then handed it to me. I was about to mimic what she did, but shook my head, bending forward to snatch the almost empty pack of cigarettes from the coffee table.

"I'm good," I said, shaking a cig and the lighter out.

"Ya sure?" she asked, bringing the spoon up to her mouth. I saw her front teeth bite into the ice cream. I eyed her sceptically. She seemed unfazed by the cold and was already going back for a second bite, this time sitting the carton of ice cream between us.

She will get us through the apocalypse.

Shaking my head at her braveness, I said, "Who needs food when you've got nicotine?"

She matched my toothy grin, shaking her head.

"You better not be doing what I think you're doing."

I lit the end of the cigarette and licked my lips before taking in a breath of smoke.

"So what if I am?"

"I'll backhand you 'round the place. Have some ice cream."

I tilted my head towards the TV, pushing the carton back to her. "I'm gettin' ill," I mumbled. "Dairy doesn't help."

"But eating will make you feel better."

"Eating makes it worse."

"Is Ally here?" she asked. "I'll make her force-feed you."

"Nope. She has to go home at some point. Where's Shelby?" I asked, switching topics. She usually with her all the time. If she's ever over here alone, it just means they took separate cars to get here.

"At home," Ellie said with the spoon clutched between her teeth, "sleeping. We had a fight."

"What kind of fight?"

"Like..." She sighed. "Like she wants a Batman wedding cake, but I want Wonder Woman." She scowled at the TV. "Batman's a fag. She's not willing to see how horrible of a decision she's making."

"Wow."

"I know!" she bellowed, shaking her head. She shoved some ice cream in her mouth. "It's terrible. I just needed to get away from her craziness for a while, ya know? I'll go mental on her if I hung around a second more."

"Mmm. Right." I huffed in another pocket of smoke and leaned back, staring at the TV. It had switched to an ad. Ellie suddenly started beating my knee up.

"So," she said with a big smile, turning towards me. "How's my little niece and/or nephew goin'? Didn't Ally go to the doctors?"

God

damnit.

How many times do I have to relive this story?

There was that empty feeling again. By the sight of my smile not forming at all, hers fell.

"Oh, no. What? What happened? Is it okay?"

Breathing in a long drag, I ended up gritting out a "No."

"Well? What's happened to it? Was she even pregnant?"

I thought about lying to her, saying no to her last question. This really was something that was personal. Ally probably should give me the 'okay' on telling other people. It happened to her – and me, but...I needed her consent before I go blabbing.

Another inhale – "Nope. She got her period."

"Oh." Ellie tipped her eyes down to stare into the carton of slowly vanishing ice cream. She asked, now looking up at me, "Is this a good thing? I mean...did you guys really even want a baby anyway?"

"She did."

"Oh," she muttered again. "Damn. You guys alright?"

"I don't know – it's weird. I..." My eyes were starting burn. I angled my head down. "I really wasn't...looking forward to a baby, but...when she told me...it was like I got kicked right in the balls."

"Oh, geez."

"And..." I couldn't think of how to word what I wanted to say and stopped talking to go back in thought. I don't even know what I was trying to say. I didn't want to talk about it anymore, because suddenly the reality was there.

It was me. My fault. I've been smoking so much lately. It had to be me. Right? I could be firing blanks – or sending gradually dying salmon up stream. Or...other witty ways of saying I'm infertile.

What if we can't try again? She really wants a baby now. I might not be able to give her one that will stay long enough for her to pop it out alive. I'm gonna be the one who winds up getting all the hate once she finds out I was the problem. I scowled at the cigarette in my hand before pushing it back between my lips. Maybe if I keep smoking I'll finally die. Either from my lungs giving out on me or from starvation. Smoking dulls hunger and I was willing to let it happen.

Ellie had picked up that I was done talking a while ago and didn't bother to rekindle the conversation, leaving me to slowly grow antsy, like the death I was waiting for wasn't getting here fast enough.

Air. I needed to get out and breathe. Sigh out all the sad and take in fresh air.

I pulled myself up to stretch into a standing position. Ellie's eyes followed me up.

"I'm gonna go out for a walk," I told her with a heavy sigh. "Watch Baby, would ya? She's under the covers." I gestured to the La-Z-Boy recliner sitting a few inches away from the couch. Baby was curled up beneath a blanket, fast asleep.

Ellie took a couple seconds to eye me but nodded.

"Yeah, alright – Tyler," she said, slowing me from pulling my bag over my shoulders.

"Hmm?"

"Don't do anything stupid. I...I'm sorry for asking, especially if all I did was make you upset."

"I'm not upset," I said rolling my eyes and heading for the door.

"You are."

"I'll be back." I grabbed the door handle and looked back at her. "I promise," I assured her with, like, forty percent certainty.

"Bloody oath?" she asked, raising her brow at me.

Thick Aussie accent - "Fair dinkum, mate."

"If you're not back in twenty minutes..." She trailed her sentence, arching brows even more. I answered back by closing the door behind me, standing out in our floor's hallway. No one was out loitering like usual. Given the hour, I didn't question it.

I made my way down the empty stairways and out the front door.

It was oddly cold out and I had failed to grab a hoodie before I left. The thin long sleeves of my shirt didn't keep me warm at all, but I wasn't really bothered by it. I was stuck living in long sleeves now due to stupidly picking up all my bad habits again. I've even gone to lights completely out and blanket constantly covering me during sex, just so Ally wouldn't see.

She really, really hates that I do that to myself. Despises it, actually.

I wandered aimlessly down streets until I heard the wind whipping around as cars zipped down the surprisingly busy Main Street. I stopped inches before the footpath ended and watched each vehicle pass by, waiting for my chance to cross.

I was planning on maybe just going to one of the gas stations near here, then heading back home. I breathed in a deep intake of cool night air. It rushed in and seriously felt like it cleared my mind of all bad thoughts, but there was still that ache to not breath at all.

Everything suddenly fell silent around me and I realised the street was empty and I had an opportunity to cross to the other side.

I stalled several seconds before pushing my hands into my pockets and stepping out onto the blacktop. I kept my head down and slowed my pace, almost hoping for a car to suddenly come barrelling down the street, but then imagined the scenario actually happening and cringed, picking up speed.

I reached the sidewalk and sighed. Well, I live to die another day. Unfortunately.

God. Why is it so hard to die?

Why am I such a downer, like damn. I wasn't always like this, I swear. Things didn't always get to me this easily. Now it's either like I'm made of stone or a crumpled sheet of flimsy paper.

I decided to ditch the gas station and made a turn for Herrlinger park. I found a picnic table and laid down on one of the benches, dropping my eyes shut. I wasted about ten minutes before I remembered I brought my bag with me. I sat up to drag it off and hold it in my lap, yanking the bag open.

Another fuller pack of cigarettes laid at the bottom among a crack pipe and a little Ziploc baggie with a smidgen of heroin left.

I was running out and needed more, but money was a big problem. I knew I had about five bucks in my wallet, which was obviously not gonna get me shit.

There was the, dare I say, smarter voice in the back of my mind that told me to save the last bit for when I really, really needed it. The blatantly dumber voice said that time was now. I was torn between both.

It was either drugs or the little SD card full of razor blades I had in my front pocket. Fetching out the pipe and Ziploc bag, it was clear which side I was going to listen to. I could always bribe Nakiah to give me more; she supposedly has a soft spot for me and always has, meaning I get discounts on a lot of things. Just share my latest sob story and, bam, a couple more ounces of heroin will be in my possession.

Anyway, you were around last chapter. I don't really think I need to go into detail about smoking heroin. You know how it happens now.

I was staring at my eyelids when the wave of warmth swept over me, leaving tingles behind. I started humming loudly.

I was now staring sadly at a completely empty bag where the last bit of heroin no longer was. The high was still there, but diminishing quickly and I still had about ten songs that I wanted to sing. The lyrics continued to tumble incoherently out of my mouth, fading in and out of mumbles as I came to face Main Street again. Cars sped down the road, this time more sparse.

I didn't bother to stop and wait for a clear shot. I walked briskly to the other side, managing to dodge cars the entire time. Each time I passed a lane, a car beeped its horn at me not even two seconds later before it slipped by, taking its bright headlights with it.

I was humming the chorus to 1999 by Prince as my fingers balled up into a fist and knocked loudly against Nakiah and Eric's front door.

"Tyler!" she greeted with a big smile. "What do I owe today's visit?"

"Just sayin' hello," I lied very, very obviously, taking a step into the still lifeless living room. "Where's Eric?" I asked, whipping around to face her. Big mistake. My vision blurred slightly and I felt the need to vomit. I stumbled to sit down on the couch and laid back, hoping to calm my stomach. I was not in the mood to chunder ever again.

"Out," she answered after another laugh. "Making a delivery. Why, are you - ?"

"SPEAKING OF," – I stopped when I realised I had interrupted her. "Oh, oh, I'm sorry. What were you going to say?"

She raised her brows at me as she scooted her bum onto the arm of the couch. She laughed loudly.

"You're high as fuck, aren't you?"

I just mumbled a "HMM?" back at her.

"Riiiiiiight," she said slowly. "And you want to get higher?"

"For later occasions," I confirmed nodding and shaking my head at the same time, unable to decide which gesture I should use to answer the question.

"Heroin?" she asked, though she already knew the answer.

"Yes!" I clapped my hands together. "That would be lovely. Thank you, Nakiah." After laughing, Nakiah told me to wait riiiiiight here as she made the quick trip down into the basement. I continued to hum to myself until she came back up with – what I would say was the same amount of heroin as before.

It was like she was offering a newborn puppy to me. I sat up straightaway and breathed out an elated sigh, holding my hands out to take it from her.

But inches away from becoming mine, she pulled it back, saying, "Ah, ah, ah – how much ya got?"

"Depends. How much are ya askin' for?"

"Sixty," – I groaned loudly. She stressed, "That's the lowest I can go."

"I don't have sixty."

"Well, how much do you have?"

"Five..."

"Five...? As in...? Fifty?"

"Five," I said, "as in...five – maybe," I added brashly when she scoffed. I pulled off my bag. "Maybe more. I'll check if I have more." I pretended to search my book bag thoroughly even though we all knew five was all I had.

"You still owe for last time," she pointed out. "And – I can't give it to you for free again. We're losing money here if I cut you that good of a deal every time."

"I'll pay you," I promised aloud. "I swear it – Nakiah," I dropped my tone into a pleading one with a hint of loyalty. "I promise I will. I really need this...now. I'll pay you – what, sixty last and this time? One-twenty? All yours the next time I come 'round."

"How do I know you're being honest?"

"Because I have the money. I do. I just haven't gotten around to the bank to get it."

She narrowed her eyes at me, but after a couple seconds she sighed loudly. "Fine," she caved and a massive wave of relief made me sigh happily.

"Thank you so much, Nakiah."

"Yeah, yeah," she mumbled, holding out her hand. I snatched the little baggie from her grasp and marvelled down at it as she continued to level with me. "You have to promise you'll pay me back, Tyler. Swear it; swear it on Ally's life."

Ooh. On Ally's life?

I hesitated. There was no doubt in my mind that I was not going to pay them back. But being paranoid under the influence of the big H, I was scared that if I took that chance, Ally would die and I didn't want that at all, really.

I, like, loved her, ya know.

So I scrunched up my mouth and sighed.

"Alright, on Ally's life – I'll get the money."

Oh, great, she's not gonna die now, is she? No, no. I will pay Nakiah. I hope.

I left the house hitting the palm of my hand repeatedly against my forehead.

One. Hundred. And. Sixty. Dollars.

How the fuck – why did I get myself into that? That twenty I had last week was literally the most I've had since before I went to college.

I hope Ally's cool with me either getting myself or her into the business of prostitution.

Ellie wound up staying til about two in the morning. After Ellie left to return to Shelby, so I stayed up playing Super Mario Party until the sun was here along with Ally.

"Hey, bro." She shut the door behind her.

Oh, thank God. She's not dead. Yet.

I have to keep my promise.

"Yo." I pushed Baby up and scooted over, making room next to me. Ally took advantage and sat down in the open spot. After she did, she pressed her lips to my jawline for a quick kiss. Baby laid back down on my lap, but this time her head on my shoulder. It almost looked like she was so interested in watching me play Mario, though she probably didn't give two shits and just wanted a headrest.

"How ya doin'?" Ally asked, shifting her legs into the criss-cross applesauce style.

I offered your life in exchange for a postponed due date to pay off my debt for the drugs I'm sure you're slowly getting addicted to, so I feel terrible.

"I'm fine. You?"

"Oh, fantastic. I took the liberty of making an appointment – 'cuz I knew you'd forget," she said snootily when I made a confused face at her.

"An appointment?"

And then it hit me the exact moment she said, "For your mental health, duh, and, I guess, for the sake of us."

"That's sweet of you."

"I know." She grinned. Looking back at the TV, she mumbled, "You're in the middle of a boss battle...and just died."

"Oh, poop." I frowned right as the big squid dude's tentacle collided with Bowser for the last time, sending him into a weird shaky death before the screen went black to tell me I had failed. I was teleported back to the beginning of the level.

"That took my forever," I whined in disbelief.

"Sorry."

"No you're not."

"So?"

I shoved her. A little too hard. She face-planted the mattress. I cackled.

"Okay, ASSHOLE," she snapped, pushing me once she regained her previous sitting position. I stopped laughing, stared at her and then knocked my head back, laughing again.

"I'm gonna pee. Oh my God."

"Ugh. I don't even like you."

"Yes, you do," I said with a loud laugh.

"No. I don't."

"Oh, right, no. You" – I shimmied my shoulder against hers – "loooooove me."

"Unfortunately."

I mocked her in a scratchy voice yet again, "'Unfortunately! '" She whacked her hand against my stomach, then bunched her mouth up at the ceiling.

"Hey, yeah, so." She sputtered out a sigh, holding her hands up flat against each other, resting on the side of her face. She listed in a high-pitched voice, "The appointment is...sometime next week – I'll have to check, but...and either tomorrow or the next, we can have some baby-makin' sex. Are you excited?"

"Oh, overjoyed," I answered back in the same tone, hands making the same gestured. Ally's smile grew wide as she tilted her head.

"Great! What do you want to name it?"

"Mmm." I pretended to be deep in thought, then, "Piper Chapman."

"Is that all its first name?" she asked with a laugh. When I nodded in all seriousness, she laughed out, bending down to kiss my cheek.

Ally ended up staying the night – we, we did it, by the way, even though I don't think we were supposed to yet. Apparently you're supposed to wait about a month or something after a miscarriage before you engage in the sexy sex, but oh well.

There sadly weren't any drugs involved this time, which really...sucked, actually, so I was back to legit faking, which was really...weird, I know.

I was able to force myself to fall asleep after hours of tossing and turning in thought of whether this relationship really had a fighting chance anymore or were we just trying to fix something that wasn't meant to work in the first place.

I really hope we weren't over.

I needed her so much. She's my best friend.

I don't think I could make it if she wasn't here to keep me alive.

***

##  CHAPTER TWELVE --

"You good, homie?"

I snorted at Ally but hesitated to answer her and stared up at the large, depressing building in front of us. We sat parked in Ally's car out in the Miami Valley hospital's parking lot. My heart began to pound in my chest. I was going to have to go in there and divulge everything to someone I haven't seen in years.

What if he forgot everything I have ever told him and I have to recount absolutely everything? Every detail I made myself swear I'd never tell anyone ever again.

I mean, I've had to regale my life story to all of you. Isn't that enough? I didn't want to do it again.

But – I took in a deep breath and forgot to let it out – Griffin's an...alright guy. Better than the bitch I stupidly let be my therapist before him.

A woman. She seemed very...understanding. At first. And then...New York trip and Vanessa came up.

She told me that women don't rape men and that it was disgusting that I would lie about something like that before kicking me out. Swear to God. Grinded my gears.

Telling personal information about yourself to someone who you thought could help you and then having them call you a liar sucked major Hot Pockets.

But as long as Griffin was there. I'd be okay.

My eyes widened when Ally's fingers were directly in front of my face as she snapped them. The breath I was holding heaved in from shock, but came out when I realised it was just Ally.

"Tyler, dude. You good?"

"I..." No. Not at all. "Yeah."

"Then let's go." She gripped her hand around mine, soft squeeze and then she patted my knee. Her hands went to push the car's door open. I stayed put, even after she slammed the door shut.

This was going to be the worst experience of my life.

Well...bit of an exaggeration, considering...all the stuff.

Ally went over to the other side of the car after a laugh when she noticed I was taking several seconds to hop out and join her. "You'll be fine," she assured, pulling the car door open and gripping onto my hand. "You've already talked to this guy plenty times before, right? He already knows everything."

No response. She sighed. "Please, Tyler? For us?"

I finally met eyes with her.

"What if he suggests no sex for, like, years?"

"Oh, you little shit." She bapped her hand against my shoulder, making me smile. She laughed, "Years – there's no hope for us, then, and this was a big mistake. We won't take his advice anyway."

I chuckled and looked ahead at the hospital entrance and sighed.

"Alright, alright." I swatted at her to move so I could climb out of the vehicle. She did a happy dance and hooked her hand around my forearm when I was fully out of the car.

I overdramatically dragged my feet like a child, which meant Ally had to yank me to the side door that had the words 'PSYCHIATRIC CENTER' marked above it and then through the main lobby. There was a woman sitting at the, uh, receptionist desk.

When we came into her view, she quickly pushed her iPhone out of her hands and onto her lap. She hastily pretended to be typing on the computer and smiled warmly at us.

"Hello."

Ally suppressed a laugh and pulled me to stand at her side. She draped her hands over my shoulders and said, "Hi. This guy here has an appointment. Say hi, Tyler."

I didn't.

"He doesn't want to be here," Ally explained. "Uh, Tyler Williams, that is. He should be on the list. I made an appointment last week."

"I'll check," the lady said nicely. I read the name off her nametag and hoped it didn't look like I was staring at her boobs.

Kara Sommers.

"Ah, yes," Kara said suddenly, bringing her smile to us. "Williams, Tyler. Looks like you've got an appointment with Dr. Cathleen Kasler. Her office is on the third floor."

"Cathleen?" I said, feeling my stomach drop. Woman. Kara began to nod and I spoke again in protest. "What, what happened to Roger Griffin?"

"Whoa, where are you from?" she asked fascinated instead, then, perplexed, "Griffin?"

"Australia. Yes, Griffin. He was my old therapist. Where is he?"

"You mean Griffith?"

Oh. Right. I called him Griffin because it made me laugh.

I wound up rolling my eyes at her. "Yes, him. Where is he?" I asked again rudely. I didn't mean to come off so cheeky, but...I couldn't have a woman as a therapist. We'd be paying a hundred bucks for one session and one session only when she finds out about Vanessa or New York. I'd get banned from her office. This was a lost cause.

Ally tried to explain my behaviour in an embarrassed tone.

"I – he got very attached to Griffin, I think."

"Griffith," Kara corrected. Ally kept talking.

"Do you think we could possibly switch therapists?"

"I doubt it," she said bluntly. "I believe Dr. Griffith left the practice years ago. He got a job offer in Florida and took it. Or so I've heard. But I assure you, Dr. Kasler is a remarkable woman. She's helped thousands of patients. I highly recommend her. Any issue you've got, she'll listen and try to help as best as she can."

Thousands of patients. I tried to calm myself. Some of those have to be men, men with the same issues as me. Not all women therapists are the same, I knew that. I just didn't want a repeat of before.

"Will you be okay with a new therapist? Kara asked me seriously. "If you won't, I understand and I'm sure she will too, but know you're missing out on one of the best psychiatrists in the area. She really is wonderful."

I glanced at Ally who was also waiting for my answer, then back at Kara with another sigh.

"Yeah. I, I guess I'll be fine."

Her smile was back. "Good. Her office is on the third floor, first door on the right. She doesn't allow friends and family, though," she added quickly. Ally frowned. So did I.

"Oh," Ally mumbled, looking up at me.

"Yeah, it's a rule here," Kara said. "Patients tend to lie or not go into detail when they have someone else in the room who's not the therapist. It's all for the best. You can take a seat outside the room, though, or stay down here."

Ally hesitated, but shrugged. "Yeah, alright. I'll walk with him up the office and then...decide from there. Do you guys have a gift shop?"

I glared at her indifferently while Kara laughed.

"We happen to. It's right around that corner, right before you reach the elevator. Gonna take a gander?"

"I think I may," Ally said with a big smile. She nudged my shoulder. "Reward this boy for the trouble I'm putting him through today."

I'd rather have sex than a stuffed teddy bear with the words 'Put the knife down! :)' printed across its chest.

Actually...that's sounds like an alright gift. Cute little trigger for me.

Speaking of, that's how I felt as Ally and I boarded the lift. Triggered. Triggered for anything. Drugs, cigarettes, a razor blade, sex. Anything.

But looks like a chat is all I'm going to get for relief.

Reaching the third floor, Ally dragged me out of the lift with her. "You'll be fine," Ally told me again, getting on her tippy toes so she could pop a kiss on my cheek. "Go get 'em, tiger. I'm going to buy you an inspirational book. We can laugh at the quotes when we get home. Now you have something to look forward to."

I smiled at her. Ugh. She's cool.

Ally made her way to the lift and pressed the call button as I slowly turned toward and stared down the long hall. The first door on the right was closed and about ten feet down a ways so it's not like the doc was staring at us.

I heard the lift chime and looked to see the doors open. Ally stepped inside and turned around to face me. She made an over dramatic crying face and smiled when I flipped her off. The doors slowly closed in front of her and I was left alone.

I inhaled a deep breath, deciding to waste time by reading the list of words placed on a plaque right next to the lift.

FLOOR 1: Lobby, Gift Shop, and Cafeteria

FLOOR 2: Eating Disorder Care and Dr. Jennifer Rydell's Office

FLOOR 3: Abuse/Addiction Care and Dr. Cathleen Kasler's Office

FLOOR 4: Self-Harm Care and Dr. Spencer Andrew's Office

FLOOR 5: Group Sessions

Maybe I should have came in for self-harm. At least then I'd get a male therapist. Or that could be a woman, too.

I don't mean to be sounding so misogynistic. I just really don't feel good about this woman.

I finally told myself to suck it up and heaved in a breath of air. I marched towards Kasler's office and peered at the closed door. Sure enough, there her name was on the nameplate.

I knocked on the door and, a moment later, it opened. I blinked at her. She was fab. Flawless skin, green eyes, thick and curly brown hair parted to down the middle to frame her face.

She looked a lot like...mummy.

My breath caught in my throat.

"You must be Tyler Williams." Her voice was abrupt but not rude. Her tone lightened. "You look exactly like the picture in your file." Her eyes grazed the side of my cheek and she repeated quietly, "Exactly."

Uh. Okay.

She held her hand out for me, which I took and we shook them.

Stepping back, she motioned for me to enter the room.

"Take a seat."

I walked into the office and looked around. There was the cliché sofa sitting in the centre of the room with a single chair placed in front of it. A small table with a lamp was right next to the chair.

I took her advice and slowly plunked down onto the long couch. I continued to check out the room as she spoke again.

"May I get you some water or juice? Anything to make you feel more comfortable. I know how difficult it must be to attend a therapy session for the first time in years."

I shot down her offer.

"No, no thanks. I'm fine." Behind the chair was a bookshelf lined with, you guessed it, books. Psychology books. Handwriting Analysis. Sex and Your Brain. History of Self-Harm. Abuse for Dummies. Things like that.

To the left of the couch was a big oak desk. Stacks of file folders rested on its surface. She had a computer but the screen was black.

Dr. Kasler crouched to grab a manila folder with my name printed on it from a filing cabinet behind her desk. She seated herself in the chair across from me and crossed her legs, smiling politely.

"Well, so far there's nothing in this file." She let the folder fall open. All that was in there was a sheet of laminated paper glued to the binder's inner fold. There was a dreadful picture of myself and some scribbled information throughout it. Medical, I think.

"Where'd all my information go?" I asked.

"To Florida with Dr. Griffith. I assume he took them as a keepsake. It's like that for nearly all of his former patients. So," – she grabbed a notebook from her side table and flicked it open, taking the pen from it the spiral that kept it together – "We're starting fresh. But before we get down to business, you need to know that anything and everything you share with me in this office is one-hundred percent between us. The only times I'll break that confidentiality is when I feel it is absolutely necessary, in case of life-threatening emergency, if you are an imminent suicide risk, or for some court-related things that most likely won't happen to you. Are we at an understanding?"

Suicide risk. Errgh. There's was no doubt in my mind she might soon label me as that.

I still nodded. After a smile, she said, "Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?"

"What do you want to know?"

"The basics. Where are you from, for example?"

"Melbourne, Australia."

"Oh, how interesting. When did you move to America?"

"Uh." I had to think about it, doing the mental math in my head. "Moved to Oregon when I was about fourteen, then here when I was nearly seventeen. I think I was sixteen then."

"Reasons for the move?" she asked, scribbling down the information.

I hesitated, but knew I had to tell her at some point.

"We moved to Oregon because there's where my Dad's girlfriend was living and then to here...because..." The explanation was hard to get out. I cleared my throat and focused on the ground, praying my voice wouldn't crack when I spoke. "We left after my mum committed suicide. It just wasn't a place we could hang around anymore."

"Oh." She frowned. "I'm so sorry. That must've been very difficult for you. Were you and your mother close?"

"Extremely," I said and felt my throat get heavy. I swallowed, adding, "It hurt...a lot when she did that, but...she wasn't happy, so."

She nodded, jotting down a few notes. "Did she give any explanation for her actions?"

"No, but...she had a hard life. That has to be why."

"What makes you say that?" she asked. "What did she go through?"

It was odd, how easily I found it to start giving her all this information. A lot easier than what I thought it would be.

"My dad," I said slowly. "He...wasn't the best."

"He was abusive?" she assumed. I took a second but nodded. "Was he to you?"

Pause. I nodded.

"And how has her death affected you?" she inquired, switching back to the last topic. "Have you felt dejected or guilt-stricken?"

"A bit."

"Have you felt like she must've? Has your father ever made you feel that way?"

"Suicidal?" There was something about that word...something I didn't want to admit. I shook my head, though I almost said yes. "No."

"Are you sure? You can tell me if you have."

"Sometimes."

She nodded yet again, scribbling once more. "Have you ever attempted?"

Oh, God. How many times have I attempted just during this story? I think I've tried at least three times when I was a teenager.

I'm a sad sap.

"Yeah. I have."

"When was the first?"

Pause. "I was about...twelve, I think. I tried to hang myself. It didn't work – obviously. My mum ran in and got me down."

Dr. Kasler gave me a firm look before asking, "Last?"

I decided to tell her of when I had a real, proper attempt. It involved a train.

"I was about sixteen. Ah, I tried to get hit by a train." Was that the right way to word it? I don't think so.

Scribble, scribble. "And you're twenty-one now, so. That's a good gap of living and thinking healthily," she said ignorantly. "Have you felt suicidal since or had the thoughts? When was the last you felt suicidal?"

"Last night."

"What brought on those feelings?"

I shrugged. "I think too much."

"Do you ever think about your mother? Or your childhood?"

"I try not to," I said honestly. "It...hurts to. But...lately, I have."

"Any reason why you've started thinking about your past?"

"I found a box of all my old writings I had to write for a class. They just got me thinking again." I felt dumb saying that. I literally brought it all on myself...by reading.

She asked, "Are you thinking of attempting suicide any time soon – or in the late future, really?"

"No." Lie. "I'm over it now. I'll think it, but...I don't think I'll go through with it ever again." Because I don't seem to be able to. "Because I know life will get better."

"But in the times of suicidal thoughts – and even not," she said after noting down some more words, "have you ever thought of harming yourself?"

I felt my arms tense, like every scar and wound was becoming self-conscious of her mentioning them.

'Thought?' I wanted to scoff. 'I have.'

"I did self-harm."

"You have?" Her brows rose and she looked at me concerned. "Do you still?"

No. Just say no. I didn't like her tone. I didn't like how she looked at me. Pity. I hated it. I wanted to leave.

But I had to be honest with her. She needed me to trust her, so she could help me. I knew she could use it against me, though. I could say something that took it too far and she could ship me off to a psych ward. Plus, I didn't understand why we were talking about all this when I was here for sex addiction therapy.

I asked abruptly, "What does this have to do with why I'm here today?"

"Is that a yes?"

"Let's talk about why I'm here today," I suggested, pulling my sleeves down over my fists. I let myself sit back to lean up against the couch. I knew I was being way to obvious. I would tell her. Later. I will. I didn't want to talk about suicide and self-harm. That's not why I'm here.

"I just needed information about you, Tyler," she said explanatorily. "You're a new patient for me. These questions are something I have to ask every new patient. If you're suicidal and self-harm, I need to know, so I can give you the appropriate help. I understand how difficult this problem must be for you. Some of my patients with similar problems and symptoms have told me that they have thought about ending their life. If you're at that point, I need to do something."

"Well, I don't want to talk about it anymore," I snapped. "And I'm sure you can already guess the answer, so can we please talk about something else? Anything."

Dr. Kas eyed me sceptically, but slowly nodded. "That scar," she observed, gazing at my face closely. "How did that happen?"

"My dad," I told her. "He has anger issues, as you can guess. Took it out on me. Different topic," I said curtly. I wanted to get as far away from the word 'scar' as I could.

"Alright. What brings you here today?"

Great. I didn't know how to start this conversation, either.

I began to bit at my nails, trying to word myself.

"Lately...I've been having...bad thoughts."

"What kind of bad thoughts?"

"Dirty ones, like...sexual."

"Sexual thoughts and urges are quite normal," she said, "Especially for a male in his twenties. What makes you think they're serious?"

"I'm a teacher," I said.

"Oh. And you're having these sexual thoughts...about...?"

"A student."

Her eyes widened marginally and she inhaled a sharp breath. She mumbled, "That is bad." Seeing her jot that information down made me cringe. It was going to live in her notebook now. "Tell me about this student."

"She's new," I began casually. "From Brazil, so she doesn't speak English very well. Uhm, always suggests I should tutor her. She's in three of my classes. I seriously can't get away from her. I'm not sure if I'll do anything, but I'm scared I might. I'd lose my job, my relationship, and...everything would crash and burn. I don't know if I could mentally handle it."

"You think you'd get suicidal thoughts again?" It was more like a statement than a question, but I still answered her.

"Yeah."

"Have you considered moving her out of your classes?"

Again, I nodded. "Thing is...I don't really...want her out of my classes. I, I like seeing her. Maybe I'm just in the wrong line of work."

"You thought about quitting your job?" When I nodded, she lowered her voice and changed her tone. "How close have you gotten to acting out your urges?"

"I don't think I've ever really gotten close," I told her in all honesty. "I've thought about it, but again, it takes a lot for me to act my thoughts out. Sometimes."

I wanted to tell her what I've been branded as since I was a teen - by anyone and everyone who knew me and then officially by a so-called trained professional.

Sex addict.

I knew she'd scoff that I'd even consider being a teacher when I was addicted to sex. But during the time I aimed my focus on that career, I was recovering. I didn't have those...disgusting thoughts. It was seriously a thing of the past.

Then the past just couldn't stay in the past.

She spoke again.

"Was this a topic you discussed with Dr. Griffith?"

"A little," I said. "It wasn't as serious then. I was recovering."

"Recovering?" Kasler asked confused. "From what?"

Danggit.

"Ah." I could feel my words starting to huddle at the back of my mind, building to form the two words. I cleared my thought, preparing myself to say it, ready for her criticism.

"When I was seventeen," I started to say hesitantly, "I was diagnosed as a...as a sex addict."

Her brows were raised.

"That young? Wow. How do you think you got that way?"

I was pleased by her response. She didn't seem like she was judging me as she wrote it down in her notepad. It was almost like it was any other topic.

"Well," I heaved out another sigh. "My dad," I said simply.

"Was he a sex addict, too?"

"Yeah. That's why he and my mum weren't together anymore – one of the reasons. He cheated on her a shit-ton."

"Where is he now?"

"Prison." I tried to hide the smile in my voice. "Everything he had ever done finally caught up with him, the abuse, drugs. Everything."

"So do you think that growing up in the same house as a sex addict drove you to go down that path?"

"Basically. The only time he was ever genuinely proud of me was when I did something idiotic - drugs, girls, got expelled. Anything that wasn't good. But...there is more to it."

She caught the hint in my voice, the hint that I was ready to divulge a secret to her.

"What else?"

"My dad's girlfriend at the time, the one who's the reason we moved to Oregon. She...well, they both..." There was that concrete thought that once I told her, she would scream at me to get out, but I let it out anyway. "When I younger...I was sexually abused, quite a lot."

"By his girlfriend?" She sounded stunned, but not mocking.

"And him," I said, nodding briefly.

"When did it all start?"

"For him, it's been since I was really young, ten-ish. And her, when I was about thirteen." Before she asked, I answered in a stream of thought. If I stopped and thought about what I was going to say, I knew it would never come out.

"It was like he was giving me this...love, like this was how he decided to tell me. But then he'd go and tell me I was worthless and that I needed to die. It was confusing and it took me forever to understand he didn't love me at all. With her, though, she'd always say how much she loved me and needed me afterwards. It's was like my mind decided that this was what I needed to do in order to be loved and accepted, and then as I got older, it just evolved into what I did when I was feeling unsure or not loved or upset."

Realising I hadn't said what I wanted to say, I quickly added, "And it's definitely not like I enjoyed it when either of them did that to me; it was the worst feeling in the entire world to have someone break you down like that and ignore you when you scream at them to stop."

I waited for her to belittle me, but she never did. She continued to give me a hard, sympathetic look.

"And where is she now?"

"His girlfriend? She died a couple years ago from a drug overdose."

"You said that he had starting abusing you when you were around ten. Was any of that the reason you attempted suicide when you were twelve?"

Nod. "Mmhmm. It really messed with my head that he had such conflicting feelings about me."

Again, she nodded understandably, scribbling down notes. "Now back to earlier, when you engage in sex, what's going through your head? Talk to me about your feelings. Has sex lost its flame, so to speak?"

"It's almost like it's not enough anymore," I confirmed with a nod. "And, I don't know, sometimes I think – I feel – like I need to..."

"Raise the stakes," she finished the sentence for me.

"Yeah, which I think explains my strong attraction towards Rebeca – that's the student. Before her, I would have to tell myself to get over it and get over it until I couldn't hold back anymore. I think I'm getting to that point again."

"Then it's a good thing you came here at the time you did, isn't it?" She suddenly look up at me. "You're in a relationship?" I remembered I had mentioned it when I was talking about Rebeca.

"Yup. She brought me here."

"Oh, she's here? Is it okay if I bring your girlfriend in, then?" she asked, slightly hopeful. "To go over the treatment I think you'll need since it affects both of you?"

"For the sex?" I checked. If it was for depression, I didn't want Ally to know I was feeling that way again. "Uh, yeah, that's fine." I started to pull my phone from my pocket. "She went down to the gift shop," I explained, jingling my phone in the air for her to see. "I'll text her to come up here."

After sending the message, we sat in silence until a light knock came from the other side of the office's door. I guess she had closed it. I hadn't noticed.

Dr. Kasler said loudly, "Come in, dear. It's open."

Ally stepped warily into the room and smiled at me and then at the doctor.

"Hi."

"Hello, darling. Sit," Dr. Kas insisted, motioning to the empty spot next to me. Ally slowly did, pulling the door shut behind her.

I eyed her empty hands. I thought I'd see a souvenir from the gift shop.

Dr. Kasler's voice was loud. "Now,"- she paused to clear her throat and tipped her nose down momentarily to the page of notes in front of her. "Tyler told me everything, regarding the situation. The urges and thoughts he's been having. I've come to the conclusion that what you two need to be doing – yes, both of you – is work together on this. I'm thinking what you need to do is go on abstinence. Slowly," she specified at my cautious face. "Starting this week, for instance – how often you are engaging in sex?"

Oh, what the hell. I knew this was going to happen.

Ally's eyes grew wide, taken back for a second then she shrugged, looking at me.

"Well, normally, I guess it's...several times a week, like...I'd say every other day, but lately, well, I..." She struggled to say it. "I recently had a miscarriage and it's lessened. Actually, we've probably done it...a few times since."

"I'm very sorry for your loss," Dr. Kas said considerately. "Really. It must be difficult. Uh, how long ago was the miscarriage?"

Ally shrugged again. "About a week or two ago? We were planning on trying again soon."

Have we really only had sex, like, twice in two weeks? How did I manage that? I decided to blame the drugs. I found another way to distract myself.

"Well, I would say," Kas started, "Branch from that: try sex every other day, like normal and then bring it down from there. Sex once or twice a week and then once a month until Tyler feels finally at peace. This way, each time you have sex with each other, it'll be more satisfying for you. You'll fulfil that urge for more risky sex. If you're planning on having a baby, we need to be sure this relationship is stable enough. Use protection until you're sure about each other. Do either of you have any protests?"

I did, but I kept quiet. She seemed like she knew what she was talking about. I was willing to take her advice. If it was going to help, I was going to try.

At the sight of Ally and I shaking our heads, she had smiled widely.

"Good." She stood, making us follow suit seconds later. She stuck her hand out for Ally and then me. We shook them individually, one after the other. "I'll be sure to keep in touch with you guys. Maybe next week this time, we'll have another appointment to discuss the results and, of course, Tyler's conditions. Okay?"

We nodded in unison, causing her smile.

"Fantastic." She made her way to the door, opening it. Ally and I joined her, stepping out of the room. "I'm looking forward to next week's session."

Ally and I pretended to be excited too. We said our goodbyes and headed towards the lift.

"That wasn't so bad, now was it?" Ally said snobbishly, grinning up at me as she pressed the call button.

"It'd be better if I had a teddy bear," I sneered at her. She instantly gasped.

"Oh, right!" She let go of my arm to sprinted back towards Kas' office. She dunked down to grab something from one of the chairs placed on either side of the door. I focused to see it was a stuffed tiger with a little pink shirt on it, which, can I just say, clashed horribly with the orange fur.

I smiled when she skipped over to me and twisted it in the air at me.

"Look how cute – and fierce. 'Go get 'em, tiger!'" she read the shirt with a big grin. She pushed it into my hands and tapped her finger on its nose. "Sound familiar?" she asked me.

She had said that earlier before ditching me for the gift shop.

"Cute," I approved, spinning it around to look at its face. "I'll keep it forever."

"You better," she 'threatened' just as the lift's doors opened. We strolled in and she gushed over the plush toy.

I made progress today, I think. This is good, definitely. Covered a lot of ground.

But something odd happened that night. Like, really odd. After we had finally gone to bed, I had the weirdest dream ever. I had - oh, I can't believe myself.

I had....a sex dream...about Rebeca. And I.

I'm sorry.

***

##  CHAPTER THIRTEEN --

I laid in bed on my own the next morning while Ally showered, and thought of the things to blame the dream on, other than myself.

Rebox was mentioned a few times the previous day. She could've still been in my mind just because of that.

I decided that I wasn't up for whatever a day of work had to offer me and begged Ally to let me stay home. After a glare, she sighed at me.

"Fine," she said, taking a seat down next to me on the bed. She pulled her foot up in front of her and began tying her shoe. "But promise me you'll get up and do something, like clean."

I gave her a look and she smiled. She's such a mom sometimes.

I leaned back and rolled my eyes. "Yeah, yeah."

"Good." She stood up to give me a loud kiss on my forehead before running in place. A thing she rarely does to make sure her shoes are tied properly. Once she retightened the left one, she kissed me on the lips and then headed out.

I called after her, "Bring back Taco Bell or something!"

"Maybe!" she shouted back. I heard the front door close.

I pulled the covers over my head and rolled around for a bit. Knowing I wasn't going to get comfortable enough to fall back asleep, I yanked the blankets off and sat up, grabbing my mobile from the bedside table.

I made a quick call to the school and let Sharon know I was feeling ill again.

As always, her response was a 'get better soon, dear.'

I killed a few hours by sleeping and playing video games. I wasted a good three hours until the TV screen suddenly went black. Repeatedly pressing the trigger buttons, I noticed there was no sound at all.

Are

you

bleeping

kidding

me?

The TV was off. I saw that both my Wii and PlayStation power lights weren't shining red or green. They were off too.

I was in the middle of a major boss battle. Goddddd.

Huffing out an annoyed sigh, I set my controller down and picked up the remote, flipping from the input channel to a few random ones. Static and the dreaded blue screen stared back at me.

What the eff.

Okay. Whatever. I clicked the power button, shutting off the TV and grabbed my iPod, deciding to waste my time with some Tumboner, but the app never loaded any posts.

I sighed irritated. No internet either.

I stared around the room. The lights were on, so we had power, but no cable or internet?

I leaned my back against the wall and let my head tilt to my left. The plush tiger Ally had named sat leaned up alongside my lamp with a purple ribbon tied loosely around its neck. I smiled at it then looked to my right.

Baby was lying under a pile of blankets at the moment, wheezing out every breath while her eyes were snapped shut, deep in sleep. I was tempted to kick her off the bed and wake her so I had something to entertain me, but instead I touched the tips of my fingers against my bedside lamp three times until it reached its highest voltage.

I sat there turning the lamp on and off until I quickly grew bored of it. I once more leaned my back up against the wall just as a meow startled me.

I gave a confused and bewildered look to the stuffed animal, but then stared wide-eyed passed it at a grey cat as it came padding its paws against the room's wooden floor. Upon reaching my bed, it jumped up and popped down on the mattress, then stared at the blank television set in front of us.

What...who...

I slowly tried to climb out of the bed and backed out of the room. I poked my head out to stare at the open door leading to the balcony. Ally must've left it open. She opens it to let Baby go and sit out there in the morning. A lot easier than going down three flights of stairs every morning just so Baby can look outside.

I looked back at the cat and went over to pick it up. Scratching behind its ears, I took it out with me to the terrace.

"I don't know how you got up here," I said to it aloud, putting it down on the patio, "but I hope you can get back down that way."

I stepped back inside, ignoring it as it meowed at me, and closed the sliding door. I pulled the drapes shut after taking a look around outside one more time.

How did it get up here? Probably a tree or one of my neighbours' balconies.

With nothing left to do, I decided to do myself for a bit. It was 'eh,' so I decided to take Baby out for another walk. When I was kicking the cat out of my house, I noticed that it wasn't too bad out. A bit cold, but that's perfect for Baby.

I reached the picnic tables at the park and unplugged my ear buds from my phone, realised that was dumb. As soon as I unhooked Baby from her leash and replugged in my headphones. I watched Baby run around the park for a few minutes.

"Having fun?" I suddenly heard from behind me.

Instead of answering, I just gave a confused look to who asked the question. None other than Rebox waltzed towards the picnic tables.

"Are you having fun," I mocked her as she took a seat on the table, "skipping school?"

"I'm not skipping," she said with a snarky smile as she swung her legs over, feet resting right next to where I sat on the bench. She informed me, "Doctor's appointment."

"Well, still, what are you doing here? Why didn't you go back to school?"

"My mom gave me two options: Home or school? I chose home. I'm here because I am bored. What are you doing here?"

I Vanna White'd in front of me to Baby lying up on one of the bright red benches.

"My dog," I said, pulling my headphones out of my ears. "She's gotta shit somewhere."

Rebeca smiled at me and then at Baby.

"She's cute. Like you."

I rolled my eyes and scoffed, muttering, "Smooth."

Her grin widened. "Like you." She didn't give me time to think of a witty response before she dropped herself down to take the place of where her feet previously were. She boldly scooted closer to me until her knee knocked against mine.

I didn't move away, but laughed uneasily and shifted slightly, hoping she would realise that what she was doing was going to be a gateway drug that would get me in a lot of trouble, and hopefully move away from me.

But she didn't and while we sat in silence, she tipped her head to the side and propped it up on my shoulder.

"This is nice," she sighed, slowly pushing her hand from her lap to mine.

I took in a deep breath, feeling every...bone in my body tense, and fought the strong urge to take her hand in mine.

Yes, hormones, I'm getting the message.

Her chin moved to rest on my shoulder. "Isn't this nice?"

"It's alright."

She smiled, moving her head off of me, sitting up straight. "It's cold," she commented, tipping her nose up to stare at the sky. Her eyes flickered to me as she smiled again. She asked cheekily, "Warm me?"

Oh, I would love to.

Matching her tone, I said sharply, "I've heard Hell is pretty toasty this time of year."

Her smile grew bigger. "Take me there sometime?"

"You've never been? Shocking."

She pursed her lips, continuing to smile. "So," she said, pulling her legs up onto the bench. She crossed them, turning towards me, smile falling into a smirk. "About that tutor session..."

*weird scoff* "What about it?"

Her tone changed when she saw I had also rolled my eyes.

"Look, I'm being honest. I really can't fail another paper."

"And I've tried to help you," I reminded her. "I've told you, you can stop by at any time and you haven't."

"I don't have the time. I do have time now."

Knowing better, I gave her a narrow look and stared in front of me, trying to locate my dog again. Baby still hung over by the bench.

Rebeca sighed. "Remember my last speech? It was terrible."

That it was. She gave a good presentation, but the typed copy she had to turn in...was shit. There were so many grammatical errors and spelling mistakes as if spell-check and proof-reading weren't included in the Brazilian version of Microsoft Word.

That was her downfall. Everything else was great; she knew what she was talking about, but it didn't translate well onto paper. I could excuse it, but the written speech counted for more than half the grade, partly because a few of the students don't enjoy presenting in front of class, and do better when writing it.

I don't know why I'm telling you this. It probs doesn't matter. Just another explanation, I guess.

Wait. Yeah, it does. Shush, me.

Rebeca continued to plead with me.

"I mix up my words with other ones. I know that. I use the wrong ones. But I do know what I mean to say. I just can't word it right on paper. I know what you said about keeping the tutoring in school, but I really need help. All I need is guidance. I promise."

I kept my indecisive stare on her. I thought about Ally and how pissed she would be at me if I gave in to Rebeca's offer, in the first place, let alone if something happened. I thought about how pissed I would be at myself.

But then...I thought about what could happen over at Rebeca's house, really, really thought about it.

One, she could be one-hundred percent serious and all she really wants out of the situation is a better understanding of the English language. I leave her house without having to make up any lies. But, two, she could be lying or trying to bribe me. Isn't it a thing that students will sleep with their teachers to get their grades up? She better know I'm not so easily persuaded. I'd sleep with her, but her grade would stay the same. I'm stingy like that.

Thing is...if I did sleep with her...I couldn't stop thinking about how good it could be. That was all I needed. Someone new.

I knew I could always find someone my own age, but I've been doing that and it's not any better. I didn't want someone my own age. I wanted her. Growing up, I was the student that slept with their teachers; what was it like the other way around? I wanted to be in Ally's place.

My mind wasn't letting me acknowledge that the problem was me and not the age of the people I had sex with. I wasn't able to consider that everything could backfire from my stupid 'what if.'

It didn't let me look at Rebeca and tell her no.

I ended up sighing in defeat at her, to which she took as a success, her smile growing.

I said hesitantly, "Fine," but before she got too excited, I asked, "I don't see a bag with you; what's up with that?"

"I wasn't expecting to see you here," she said with a laugh. "My stuff's at home."

I raised my brows at her, still feeling like I should turn back now.

She added, "Come with me, we'll go study there. It's getting cold, anyway."

Go with her? To her house? Uh. The longer I sat there in uncertainty, the more hesitant I became of the situation. There was no doubt in my mind something could and would happen if I went with her.

Yet...I slowly stopped caring.

Still on guard, I focused on the park around me, zoning in on Baby.

"My dog," I said, the uneasiness still in my voice. "I have to take her home."

"She can come, too," Rebeca insisted. "I'm sure my mom wouldn't mind."

Her mom was home. Good or bad? I was teetering on good; nothing could happen if her mum was there. Then again, would her mum even let me in the house?

I was back in the responsible adult mode. The less chances of anything bad happening, the better.

Upon hearing this new information, I was filled with confidence. Yeah. I could do this.

"Great!"

We ended up sitting at the park for a few more minutes until Rebeca said that we should get to her house before 'the weather got colder,' so, after hooking Baby to her leash, we made the ten minute trek to her home.

It was a silent walk, mostly. None too shabby, really, but she did do that super lame thing where she 'accidentally' kept knocking her hand against mine. I ignored her like a boss.

I'm getting a little weird. I don't know why.

Rebeca took the lead up the steps onto the front porch of the little brown house.

As she unlocked the door, I tightened my grip on Baby's leash, becoming anxious. What was I doing?

Nothing, I told myself. Her mum's here; I have my dog with me. All factors of a good ol' cock-block. Nothing was going to happen. Nothing.

When Rebeca finally pushed the door open, she stepped in and moved to the side and smiled at me when I didn't move from the porch.

"You comin'?" she asked, laughing slightly.

"Pfft. Yeah." I remained in the same spot, my legs turning to stone. Move, motherfucker. God damn.

But I couldn't. I had a bad feeling about this.

My free hand was suddenly being squeezed and I blinked at Rebeca as she continued to smile at me, grabbing my hand in hers. She cupped my hand with both of hers and started to pull me inside.

I dragged Baby in behind me and relaxed when I was engulfed by the warm air trapped inside her living room. Like a big boy, I ripped my hand from hers with pride and stood in the centre of the room while she closed the front door.

I scanned the living room as something to do and didn't hate the place. It was an average living room. Couch, TV, DVD bookshelf, coffee table, aaaannnd stuff. The usual.

I half-hoped, half-dreaded to see her mum chilling on the sofa, but it was uninhabited. I was about to ask Rebeca where her mom was when Rebeca spoke instead.

"My things are upstairs."

"Oh. Okay." I stupidly expected her to tell me to wait here while she ran up to get it. As an alternative, she smiled at me. Again.

"Well..." she trailed, "come on."

"Upstairs?" I said. "With you?"

"That's where my things are," she laughed, legit skipping over to me. My hands tensed when she gripped her hands around them. Again. "I can't study down here."

How the hell does that incite you to hold my hands?

Despite my hands starting to get clammy and a bit tingly, I didn't yank them away like I did before. I stood there and let her unravel Baby's leash from my death-grip. I watched her walk Baby into the room I assumed was the kitchen. She led her towards the backdoor.

"She can play out back," Rebeca offered so kindly, opening the screen door. Baby jumped at the sight of the outdoors and ran out, ditching me.

No. Why. That's my dog. what. are. you. doing. She's one of our cock-blocks.

I made a weird grunting sound in protest, but it must not have been out loud because she did nothing other than smile at me, shutting the door after Baby bolted out of it.

She skipped back over to me and grabbed my hands, pulling me towards a staircase I had just now noticed was there.

I stilled half-heartedly prayed for her mum to pop up out of nowhere.

Reaching the room I suspected to be hers, Rebeca pushed open the door. Stepping inside, she pulled me in with her. I pretended not to notice when Rebeca shut the door, still thinking, for some reason, that her mum might hear and storm up here and yell at me to get out of her room.

Where was she, anyway?

Rebeca basically groped the wall, searching for the light switch, eventually found it, and flipped on the lights.

Woah. This is a sweet room. There were posters of bands and all that cool stuff everywhere, but, as expected, unpacked boxes resting at the foot of her bed.

Ugh. Her bed.

Rebeca sprang forward and kneeled on the mattress before twisting to sit on her bum. She patted the spot next to her and I stared at it.

I slowly joined her as I began to talk.

"So...how exactly is this 'studying' thing going to happen? Do you need me to proof-read a rough draft or something?"

"Actually," she said, suddenly bending over to grab her bookbag. She scooted herself right next to me, bringing the bag onto her lap. "I was thinking maybe you could just give me a grammar lesson, like the different words that sound the same but mean different things."

"Oh, like you're and your and all those? Homophones?"

She nodded.

"I am terrible at those."

Well, I knew that stuff. Kind of. She pulled a notebook from her bag and handed it to me, and then a pencil. Even with the notepad being in my possession, Rebeca leaned over to flip to a blank page. She let her eyes flutter up to mine quickly.

Seeing them dart to my mouth, I leaning away from her slightly. I looked down at the paper and clicked the eraser of the pencil to kick out lead.

"Alright," I mumbled, trying my hardest to neatly write down one of the words she seems to have the most trouble with. I read, "'Since' – when would you use that word?"

For the first time in a while, I saw the look of completely and utter 'oh, poop' go across her face.

"Uhh...'since'...like..." Her lips brunched up and she took a guess. "When you know something, right? Like, common sense?"

"Close, but not at all. That's sense – s-e-n-s-e."

"Oh. Right."

It was all yippee-skippy for a while. She seemed to stay genuine until we got to the commonly misused words that even people whose first language is English mess up.

I scribbled on the line 'your,' and asked her if she knew when to use that one.

She stared at it, then at me before her eyes shifted to her bed.

Again, she was wrong.

"That's the one where it's...like, 'You're on my bed.' You are."

"Sort of. Whose bed is it?" I asked, hinting.

"Mine?"

"Right, so it's yours – y-o-u-r. The other one would be y-o-u-apostrophe-r-e."

"Oh." There was that sign of a smile in her voice as she asked, "So, then, that one would be used like, 'your bed, your clothes, your mouth, yourself' and all those?"

"Mmhmm. What about 'they're'?"

"Well, if 'you're' means you are, then 'they're' is...they are."

"Use it in a sentence?"

"They are," she repeated to herself and looked around her room. Her eyes glided to me and then to her bed again. She said, "They're on the bed."

I nodded at her correct usage of the word, jotting down the example and the non-contraction version of 'they're.'

We went on with the grammar lesson, her examples still involving her bed each time, until I decided she had had enough practice.

Rebeca took the notebook from me and stuck her bum back up in the air as she flipped back over to set the notebook on her bedside table. It was a nice butt, I'll give her that. However, when she purposely inched it towards my face, I bit back a laugh and averted my gaze to the turned off telly sitting on the other side of the room.

Rebeca plopped back down next to me, getting my attention as she asked, "Can you help me with noun words? Like, what..." She pointed towards the television set. "I know that's the TV, but some words I mix up. It would be nice to know if I'm saying the right word."

I shrugged, already foreseeing all the innuendos she'd think of.

"Right, so..." I scooted myself back a bit so I could glance around her room. Motioning to the lamp resting on her bedside table, I asked her about that.

"Lamp," she said after a moment of thought.

"Yup. And this?" I pointed up at the ceiling.

Pause as she thought, and then, "Wall?"

"Ceiling," I corrected, shaking my head, causing her to flick her hands up in exhaustion.

"See, this is what I mean. Why is that called a wall," – she gestured to the literal wall, - "but that is the ceiling? It's still a wall."

Huh. Yeah, what the heck.

"I see where you're coming from," I said, "but, in Portuguese, are wall and ceiling called different things?"

She scrunched up her lips.

"...yes, but I just think they should have the same word. It'd be so much easier."

I actually laughed, nodding in understanding. Rebeca suddenly elected to take over by saying, "What's this – the lotion?"

A circle container filled with pink lotion sat on one of the boxes Rebeca must've decided to use as a table. I read the label 'I love...raspberry and blackberry.' Weird name for a lotion, but okay. Next to it was a pack of pencils and a random book or two.

I nodded up at Rebeca as she continued to ask the questions.

She quickly pointed from object to object, asking the same thing.

"And this?"

"Laptop."

"This?"

"Dresser."

"That?"

"Curtains."

"...This?"

I hesitated.

"Blanket."

"Under that?"

I raised my brows momentarily at her, but said, "Bed. You already knew that."

"Just wanted to make sure," she smiled. The tip of her finger pointed towards my feet. "What are those?"

"Shoes."

Her finger flicked up. "Those."

I took in a deep breath and let out a sigh.

"Pants."

"That?"

"Shirt."

She pushed her finger forward and touched...very, very close to my...junk. I flinched away from her, but she didn't back off.

"That?" she asked, finger pressing against the zipper.

My face exchanged itself with the sun.

"...zipper," I said, hearing my voice go up several pitches. She caught the vocal change, too, and began smirking.

"And..." Her hand made strange gestures as she tried to figure out how to word herself, almost like we had gone back in time to a number of weeks ago when she first came here. She felt like, "Under that?" sufficed.

I balled my fist up against my mouth and looked at her, furrowing my brows.

"My...boxers?" I ended up asking, feeling everything thought of mine turning bad and so God damn uncomfortable.

"Under that?" she asked again, rubbing her finger down a few more times. A very...pleasant feeling was felt by yours truly and another sharp intake of breath was taken.

My hormones were bouncing out of control. I couldn't – ugh.

My hand stayed clutched and I shook my head at her.

"That's inappropriate," I said in full-on falsetto, grabbing her wrist with my hand. I set her hand on the bed and patted it, pushing a forced smile up at her. I cleared my throat, going about halfway back to my normal voice. "That's...inappropriate. Where are your parents?" I asked quickly before my heart exploded. "Your mum?"

"Out," she said quietly, deviously.

"Where at?"

"Work."

"So she's not here?" All the cock-blocks aren't here like I thought they were. There was no way I was leaving this room without a guilty conscious. I knew it.

Rebeca did too.

She continued to smirk, like a big ol' bitch as she shook her head. Her fingers came back into contact with my junky-junk.

"But what is it? What is it called?"

My teeth clenched and my hands recoiled back, clamping together again.

"You know," I mused, narrowing my eyes at her. Her smile brightened.

"I know what they're called in Portuguese. Not English. Tell me."

aksdfghjkloiyresdfsn. Maybe if I tell her, she'd go away? But...okay, scientific name or slang?

Before I came out of my mental conundrum, Rebeca grinned again.

"It's very close in spelling and pronunciation," she said, tilting her head to the side. She started to move her finger up and down again. "But I call them a 'caralho.' All my friends do. In English – it's your dick, isn't it?"

My brain emerged from my body and flew away.

She ran her teeth along her bottom lip, eyes becoming intense.

"Can I see it?"

I'm dead. I have died. My heart clocked out after experiencing a lifetime supply of heartbeats in two seconds.

"My...?" I couldn't get myself to say the word, but there was one word I wanted to scream.

Yes. Yes, you fucking can.

"Your dick?" she said again. "Can I see it?"

"Uh."

Rebeca must have took my brain dead replies as the 'yes' they tried to hold back, because she slowly began to unbutton my jeans. I didn't stop her. I couldn't. She kept my gaze, pulling the zipper down.

She repositioned herself onto her knees and grinned up at me before poking her finger up against the thin material.

On instinct, my hips jerked forward and then back just as quickly.

"Does that feel good?" she asked quietly.

"Maybe," I admitted nearly inaudible.

Her grinned turned back into a smirk. She slowly pulled herself onto my lap, making sure her hand never stopped touching me. She leaned forward until her nose touched mine.

"It does," she said teasing. "I know it does."

Her lips moved to push up against mine and did softly. I didn't pull away. I moved my mouth in time with her, letting the kiss intensify. Even when she gripped her free hand onto my shoulder and the other slipped into my boxers, I didn't stop her.

She pushed me until my back touched the bed, her hand stroking quickly.

It felt...amazing.

She moved at the right speed, dreadfully stopping to pull away and unbutton her jeans. She towered over me, hands going back to what they were doing before. Her free hand crept from my arm down to grab my hand. In an instant she was pushing it down the front of her jeans. Without her orders, my fingers cupped her and pushed inside.

Her breathing hitched and she stopped kissing me to drop her head down between my shoulder and neck. Her hands went immobile to grip the sheets. Letting out a shaky breath, she grabbed onto my shoulders and fell next to me on the bed, pulling me on top of her.

She quickly locked her mouth onto mine, fingers hastily tugging her jeans down and off, along with her bottoms. Her legs hooked around my waist, pulling me down.

What she wanted me to do next was obvious, but what I wanted came first. I took my hands from her hips and used them to spread her legs even further apart before pushing her knees back to lay flush against her chest. I pulled away from the kiss, putting my lips on her inner thighs. She let out a grunted moan and it got throaty when I pressed my tongue into her.

Her hands gripped my hair and I continued to eat her out until she began to shake, then I pushed two fingers into her, my thumb circling over her clit.

She began to laugh in shock, but held the pad of her palm against her mouth as she moaned again and again.

When I felt that she was getting close, I pulled away and I wasted no time pushing inside her, connected my hips to the back of her thighs. We both breathed out a small moan, kissing each other harder.

An intense feeling built up in the pit of my stomach and I jerked my hips forward to get deeper. Her arms snaked around my neck and tightened when I quickened my pace, locking my hands around the back of her knees and pushing them to touch her chin.

The position hurt her, but she didn't tell me to stop. Instead, after she grimaced, her eyes drifted shut and she groaned into my mouth, biting hard on my bottom lip. She opened her eyes and kept them on mine, letting the pleasure she was feeling show clearly as she broke the kiss to take sharp breaths, angling her head so that she could stare down and watch as I fucked her.

She suddenly grew impatient and her hands gripped onto my hips. She moved them back and forth roughly, making me go faster and harder. It wasn't long before she grabbed at my jeans and yanked them further down, hands retreating to my waist and then at my jawline.

Her nails dug into my skin, but only for half a second. Her hands abruptly tore away to clutch the sheets underneath her. She dropped her head back, eyes gliding shut.

I took the moment to sit back and spread her legs, moving them to latch around either side of my waist. I aggressively kissed her neck, sucking at the skin without a second thought.

Knowing she was about to cum, and wanting it to be the intensity she hoped, I kept my thumb swirling against her clit.

Faster and faster until she couldn't hold it in any longer.

Her eyes rolled back and she came. Minutes later, I did too.

I pulled back and let it drip out of her. Her forehead pushed up to touch mine as her eyes watched. She leaned up to kiss me, hands holding onto my forearms. They slid down my back and she pulled me to lay on top of her completely, moving her chin to rest on my shoulder.

I closed my eyes and sighed into her hair, feeling serene.

Why couldn't sex always be like this? So satisfying?

The serene silence didn't last long before a whole new wave of emotions fled through me. My eyes shot open and my heart dropped.

A sixteen year old student was lying naked underneath me.

I grabbed her hands and tore them off of me, sitting up.

Did I really sink so low?

"What's wrong?" she asked shocked as I swiftly zipped my jeans back up.

"Nothing," I said, getting off her bed. "I have to go."

"W-what? Why?"

I clutched the door handle and swung it open, leaving her room without a real explanation. I could hear her jump out of the bed and quickly pull some clothes on as I ran down the steps.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

To my relief, the living room was empty and so was the kitchen. I zipped through it to the back door, opening it just as Baby spotted me from the porch swing. She hopped off and ran up to let me grab her leash.

I entered the living room when Rebeca came jogging down the stairs in nothing but a oversized jumper, the same question being asked.

"Why are you leaving? Did I do something?"

I still avoided a direct answer, making my way to the front door.

"I'll see you later, okay? I just have to go now."

Her eyes looked so hurt and confused as she watched me open the door to leave. "I'm sorry," she blurted, voice cracking. "I, I...I wanted you to like me. I wanted to have sex with you, and...I..." She stopped talking to cover her mouth, staring at the floor. She whispered, looking up at me, "Please don't tell. We can just forget it happened. Can't we?"

I was never going to be able to forget how much of a fuck-up I was. I couldn't bring myself to answer her. If I tried to talk, I knew I would break down. I stared out the door before stepping onto the porch.

Rebeca grabbed a hold of my shirt. "No, please!" she wailed, trying to pull me back. "Please don't hate me. I'm sorry." I tugged myself away from her and walked briskly to the sidewalk. I kept walking until I reached a familiar building.

I was going to lose absolutely everything if anyone found out about this. If Ally finds out...she'd leave me, but I needed to tell someone.

I entered the hospital with Baby at my side.

Kara sat at the receptionist desk, dallying away on her phone. At the sound of me running through the lobby with a dog trailing behind me, she jumped to her feet.

"Uhm, excuse me. No dogs allowed. Do you have an appointment?"

I ignored her and sprinted to the lift. I impatiently jabbed the call button and bolted inside when the doors opened. I pulled Baby in with me. My back fell against the wall and I angled my head up to stare at the bright ceiling lights as the doors slowly closed.

I clutched my hand against my chest, feeling my heart began to pound louder and louder. My throat tensed greatly and choked back a cry. I let my tears cascade down my cheeks.

It was starting to hurt to even breathe. I didn't feel like I deserved to breathe anymore. My chest ached. I needed someone to break down to and it seems like the third floor was light years away.

Reaching the second floor, the door opened automatically to an empty hallway. It remained open before closing and slowly getting me to the third floor. The door chimed open and I stepped out into the hall. Kasler's door was wide open and I made a run for it, Baby tagging right along.

Kasler's eyes widened at me and she scooted her chair back from her desk to stand up.

"Tyler? What's wrong?"

I collapsed onto the long sofa, dropping Baby's leash. I pushed my face into the palms of my hands as Kasler gently placed her hand on my shoulder. I thought of all the times Rebeca did that and jerked my shoulder away from her.

"I fucked up," I panted out. "I always fuck everything up."

Though obviously shocked, Kasler sat down next to me.

"What do you? What happened?"

"I slept with her."

"W-who?"

I gritted my teeth. "Rebeca."

"Rebeca?" she repeated. I could almost hear her eyes widen. "The student?"

I nodded stiffly, the tears welling up again. "What do I do?" I looked to see her staring at me in disbelief. "What do I do?" I asked again. "She's going to hate me. I can't live if she hates me. I can't."

Baby had been licking my hand ever since I sat down. Now she had dropped her paw on my knee along with her head. She started to whimper sadly. The only times she'd ever seen me cry was right before I got out a razor blade.

Right now, I longed for something sharp.

I wanted to die.

Unable to speak, Kasler once more placed her hand on my shoulder. I didn't snap at her to get away. I let her console me as I bawled like a baby on her couch. She remained silent the entire time. Soon I couldn't cry anymore and sat there.

It's not like that helped anyway. Nothing seemed to help. My therapist didn't know how to respond and crying was pointless and made me feel even more pathetic.

I had to tell Ally. No matter how pissed I knew she would be at me, that felt like it was the only thing I could do. Clearing my conscious was my only option.

Kasler ended up giving me and Baby a ride home. She says it's the least she can do. I think she's just afraid I'll throw myself in front of a train if I walked home on my own. We made it there a little after two. I thanked Kasler and treaded up the stairs to my apartment building and plopped down on the couch. In an hour, Ally would walk through the front door. I'd tell her about everything that happened not even an hour ago.

I waited numbly for the time to come, and after about ten minutes of sitting, there was a knock at the front door.

I crinkled my brows at it and then at my phone.

2:26 p.m.

Ally shouldn't be getting home yet and it couldn't be Ellie either. School's not out til thirty-five.

I had to force myself up to answer the door. At the last second as I was reaching for the door handle, I considered it might be Rebeca, but...she doesn't know where I lived...did she?

Well, there's only one way to find out. I took in a deep breath and grabbed onto the latch. I pulled it open and stared blankly at who was on the other side.

Two police officers.

***

##  CHAPTER FOURTEEN --

The two men were dressed in cliché dark trench coats.

They both gave me hard looks as the Stabler look-a-like asked in a gruff voice, "Tyler Williams?" holding up a little black wallet. Hooked on the side was a police badge. His tone and job title made my heart skip a beat.

It took me a moment to find my voice.

"Yeah?"

"You got a second?"

Again, it took me a few moments to regain myself, but when I did, I nodded quickly, moving back so they could wipe their feet and step inside.

As I was pushing the door shut, the one on the left tipped his head to the side after introducing himself as Detective Metz. "This is my partner, Detective Winchester. Mind if we ask you a few questions?" It didn't sound like he would've cared if I had said no. If anything, he sounded hostile.

"What's wrong?" I asked, dividing a glance between them. "Did something happen?"

Detective Winchester came off a lot more considerate than Metz. He spoke with a little more kindness.

"That's what we're trying to find out," he said.

Metz angled his head around the room and asked, "You been here all day?"

I shook my head, brushing my hand towards my bedroom where Baby laid up on my bed. "No. I took my dog out for a walk a little while ago. Why?"

"Where to?'

"The park." Feeling like it was details he was looking for, I specified, "Herrlinger Park."

His eyes met mine sharply. "Meet anyone there?"

Rebeca. But I knew that would raise some new questions. Then an idea dawned on me. Did something happen to her?

Still, I reminded myself that if something did, I would get some 'subtle' hints dropped within the next few questions they asked. I didn't stop to wonder, though, what it could have to do with me.

Deciding to botch the whole meeting, I shook my head once more.

I mustered up the most convincing tone I could.

"No."

"No?" he echoed me, a certain attitude behind his words. Then he asked it. "Does the name Rebeca Linares ring any bells?"

"Is she okay?"

Detective Winchester interjected with, "What makes you think she's not okay?"

"Well, two cops are here asking me about her. Did something happen to her?"

I looked from Winchester to Metz as they gave each other narrow looks. Metz turned his to me. Another thought came to me. My worst fear was that Rebeca had told someone about what had happened. The person she told could've flipped and called the cops.

But...that...that couldn't happen, could it? But why else would they be here?

I hope she didn't hurt herself.

Metz's voice was grave.

"She was raped."

"Raped?" I said in shock. Someone raped her? Wha – but when? I was with her not even an hour ago. Unless it happened before or after I left -...A third realisation hit me and I furrowed my brows at them. Is that why they're here? They think I did it? Their firm looks told me they did.

I said aloud, "I didn't -"

Winchester cut me off.

"We never said you did."

"But you're here," I said. "I'm a suspect, aren't I? But – I didn't. I wouldn't."

"She says you did."

I looked dumbfounded at Metz and had to make myself shake my head.

"No," I said, my voice cracking. "I didn't. I swear. She's lying." It hurt to say that she would lie about something like that, but...you guys were there. I didn't rape her. She had to be lying. Why would she do that?

"Now why would she do that?" Metz asked the same question rhetorically. "Who would make up lies about being raped?"

I couldn't get myself to talk and defend myself. I became mute in disbelief. It was only when Metz pulled handcuffs from a loop on his utility belt that I fought to stand my ground.

Unfortunately, "No," was the only thing I could think to say.

"If you're so adamant," Metz said, stopping from handcuffing my wrist, "you'll come down to the station and give a DNA test."

"But I didn't do it."

"Then you have nothing to worry about. Put your hands behind your back."

After exchanging an incredulous look between them one more time, I slowly turned my back towards them, placing my hands, one over the other, behind my back.

The feeling of the cuffs hooking around my wrists was sickening, and behind pushed into the backseat of a police car made my stomach turn.

What was happening? How did my life get so bad?

From the backseat, I noted another squad car in the spot next to us. Two more cops emerged from the vehicle and made their way to the front of the my apartment complex.

I didn't bother to ask why before the car's engine turned over and we drifted out of the parking lot.

The drive to the police station was entirely silent. Too silent. I couldn't think of any reason Rebeca would come up with such a horrid lie, let alone report it to the police.

Maybe...maybe she really had just told someone about what had happened and they went berko. But once she finally comes clean about it and tells the truth – if that is the case – then I'll have a whole new array of problems to deal with.

Ugh. This was not going to look good on my record.

I worried about Ally finding out. What was she going to think when she came home and I wasn't there? How was she going to hear about it?

After a twenty minutes ride, Metz pulled the police car into a parking lot filled with vehicles of the same model. They hopped out of the car and I had to wait for them to come around to my door to pull me out.

I had only been to the Miami Valley Police Department one other time before.

I planted such a grand idea to Ally's head – sex in the gazebo behind the public library. Apparently very frowned upon by, uh, everyone. The night started off great, but ended with us getting handcuffed and slapped with public indecency.

We spent the rest of the night laughing about it.

This visit was going to have a completely different ending.

Once inside the building, I noted the same expected surroundings. Desks lined the dull precinct with on call officers sitting in nearly each one. Nothing caught my eye, really, but seconds before being pushed into an interrogation room, a certain figure caused me to glare.

Rebeca sat with her head in her hands as a female cop stood with her hand on Rebeca's shoulder, consoling her as she seemed to cry quietly. A woman sat in the seat next to her, rubbing her fingers against her temples. I assumed it was her mum. Rebeca's red eyes lifted up slowly and met mine. She frowned, tears forming again. Her head shook slightly and she mouthed to me what looked like, 'I'm so sorry.'

Detective Winchester shut the door while Metz led me to sit at the sole table in the centre of the room. Another officer stood in the corner with his hands at his waist. There was a video camera mounted on a tripod right next to him.

I started to feel ill.

...triggered.

A video camera. I tried leave certain thoughts from coming back to my mind; I focused on the wooden table under my cuffed hands...I moved my hands to my lap, not liking that sight either.

I waited for the detectives to begin the interrogation. After a shared look they did.

Winchester walked over to the mirror which I knew was two-way, but Metz placed both his hands flat on the table, never failing to keep his glare stern.

"How do you know Rebeca?"

"She..." I swallowed. "She's one of my students."

"Oh," he said. "So you're a teacher?" When I nodded, his tone changed yet again. Mocking as he made assumptions. "Lemme guess, first day of school, she walks in and you can't keep your eyes off of her. She's a pretty girl, that much is fair, but what? You came onto her and she said no, you can't handle it, so you follow her home one day and rape her?"

"No."

I glanced back at the video camera, wishing I didn't when I caught Metz eyes on the way back.

He raised a brow at me, then from the camera to me.

"Look," he said gruffly, cracking his knuckles as he stood straight up, "we've got evidence that you did. You have a history of sexual misdemeanours and we checked your file down at your therapist's office – 'sex addict with increasing need for risks.' Is rape risky enough for ya?"

"I didn't rape her!" No matter how many times I said or how adamant I made it sound, I knew they were never going to listen to me.

"You keep singing the same song over and over again," Metz said tauntingly. "Just give it up and confess. We found your semen inside of her and it's pretty fresh."

I refused to look at them. I kept my stare in front of me. They had me. I wanted to slap myself for not using a condom – no. I wanted to slap myself for even going out at all today. I should've stayed in and never gone near her.

Metz came over to sit right next to me on the table. His index finger tapped on my chin and pushed to make me look up at him.

"Either you raped her or you slept with her. Which is it? There's nothing wrong with a little consensual sex unless that's not what happened."

"But it is," I blurted, just wanting him to stop saying that word. The confession came out in hopes I wouldn't be labelled as a 'rapist.' Anything but that. "We had sex, okay? There. I said it. I don't know why she's saying I did that to her, but it's not true. I would never hurt someone like that."

Someone knocked from the other side of the closed door. Second later, the door opened to another cop. Metz's eyes trailed to me momentarily and then to Winchester. Metz got up from the table and went over to have the other cop whisper something to him.

Metz looked to me and he said, "Looks like you've a got a visitor." Without mentioning who, the door opened wider to reveal Ally. Her arms were crossed and the way she looked at me...I looked away.

I heard one of them tell her she could come in and once she did, Metz said, "We'll let you guys talk."

With that, Winchester followed him out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

I was aware that they probably went to the room adjacent to this one, the one that shared the same wall as the two-way mirror. Plus, the cop was still standing in the corner of the room, eavesdropping obviously. And that camera was going to catch it all.

My eyes narrowed at him, at it, and then I looked at Ally as she walked to stare at the two-way mirror.

"You heard what they're saying, haven't you?" she asked quietly. Her head turned to me and she scowled. "Did you rape her?"

Did she honestly think I did?

I felt my face fall into a furrowed brow and hurt frown.

"No."

"No? So you slept with her? Huh?" My silence was her answer. Her gaze darkened. "God dammit, Tyler. I was right here. You have me. Am I not enough? Do you realise what you've done? Okay, it's not just the fact that you cheated on me. It's the fact that you slept with a student."

"I know!" I ended up snapping at her. This constant reminder of what I had done was starting to annoy me. I was tired of hearing it.

Ally's face fell and she sighed, walking over to sit on the table, like Metz did earlier. I could see there was still some sympathy for me, but it was diminishing quickly.

"They found drugs in your house," she muttered, her arms still crossed. My head jerked up to her.

"They did?" I remembered the second set of cops going up into the apartment building. They must've been there to search the place. I never saw a search warrant. Could they even do that?

She nodded slowly, answering my spoken question. "Heroin and weed. You're done. You know that? If you don't get charged with rape, it's statutory rape. That's enough to get you fired. And the drugs..." She trailed her sentence as she shook her head. "God," she said exasperated. "How selfish can you be?" she asked, growing enraged quickly. "Did you even think of me once? Your career? Everything is fucked because you can't control yourself. You're pathetic. Fucking pathetic. After all I've done for you, you do this? How can you live with yourself? You ruin everything. I can't believe I wasted four years on you."

She suddenly stood up from the table to slap me hard across the face.

"You're such a piece of shit," she snapped. Her finger jabbed my chest and I felt my world crumble when she seethed, "I fucking hate you. You deserve to be in those handcuffs," she continued harshly. There was so much hate in her eyes. So much pain. "You deserve...to rot." Knowing she was right, I didn't say anything back. I felt tears begin to burn my eyes, but refused to let them out. I let her slap sting and remind me of how right she was. She turned away, and I thought that she was going to leave, but seconds away from reaching the closed door, she stopped and I heard her barely get out a fake laugh.

She was facing me suddenly, this horrible look in her blood-shot eyes. Then the storm ensued once more.

"What is wrong with you?" she quivered, jabbing the knife even deeper. Her question made my mouth tremble and I swallowed to keep myself from blubbering. I stared down at my hands.

My lack of eye-contact pissed her off, and I was stunned when her hand slammed against the wall.

Without even waiting to see if she had gotten my attention, her voice ripped, "No, you fucking listen to me - right now, Tyler. I swear to God - what is wrong with you? What? Why?" she started, her anger being trampled over with tears. "Why do you - why do you seem to think that you're the only person in the world? What, do you think that we're all emotionless robots, and you're the only one with feelings? Well, guess what," she snapped again, her hand cracking against the doorframe this time. Her finger jabbed towards her chest. "I'm a person! I matter, and I..." Her stance faltered as she regained her footing. Her jaw was clenched and then she let out those horrible, horrible words.

She screamed, "I fucking hate you! You ruined my life!"

That was finally when I had to catch my breath. The gasp set free a wave of emotion and a bucket of pent up tears that dripped one by one down into my hands.

But she was unfazed by it.

Ally gripped the door handle and yanked it open, storming out of it.

A cop who must've been standing outside the room grabbed the door before it slammed shut and looked into the room at me and then in the direction Ally went. I looked pass the officer at another face.

Rebeca's face. She, too, watched Ally exit out the front door. Her head turned to look at me and she crinkled her brows, her face threatening to have tears run down it.

When Metz walked back into the room, I was shocked when Rebeca suddenly screamed, "No! Wait, wait!" An officer grabbed her, but she pushed away to run to where I was. Inches away from running into the room, Metz locked his hands around her arms.

"Whoa, whoa. What's going on?"

"I lied!" she cried. "I'm so sorry, Tyler. I really am. I was just so mad."

She – what?

Everyone in the room looked at Rebeca in disbelief. Metz said to her, "Rebeca, why would lie about that? Do you know how serious of a matter rape is? You don't accuse someone of that just for revenge."

"I know," she continued to cry, shaking her head. "I know. I-I didn't mean for any of this to happen. It's just – my mom came home after you left and...she saw you and she saw me crying and she just assumed that you did something. I don't know why I didn't tell her the truth, but I was just so...hurt." My pained glare caused tears to start dripping down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry. Please – please forgive me. Please. I'll drop the charges. I promise. Just please don't hate me. All I ever wanted was for you to like me."

Her last sentence added to the sting. I kept my flabbergasted stare on her just as a few more cops were called in to pull Rebeca out of the room. She wailed and cried for me to forgive her, but I couldn't. I couldn't help but wonder if she had stayed quiet, never telling her mother about any of this, what would have happened. It probably would've gotten to this at some point, but...would I still have Ally or would I have blabbed to her about the truth?

If Rebeca stayed quiet and didn't barge in here to confess...would I ever see the light of day again?

The room was back to being nearly empty, besides the two detectives and I.

No one said anything for a few seconds, but then the two turned to each other and began to whisper. I was left to sit with my thoughts when they left the room without an explanation, coming back with a key out in the open.

It was used to unlock the handcuffs.

I was in doubt when Metz offered to escorted me back to my house in a police car. I was confused at first because I knew I deserved to be stuck in a jail cell.

Before leaving the police department, I was told I had was still being charged with statutory rape and possession of illegal drugs. A court date was going to be scheduled for the near future, but from here on, I was a registered sex offender, allowed to go home for now.

Something worse than a sex addict.

The police car rolled away after I stepped out. I didn't look back at Metz when he muttered a 'sorry for the whole misunderstanding.' I walked like a dead man up to my empty apartment. I don't know why I expected to see Ally sitting on the couch, but I really wanted to see her.

I didn't want us to end like this.

I couldn't stop thinking about what she said.

'You deserve to rot.'

That's what really hurt more than anything: having someone you love tell you things would be better if you weren't around.

I wanted to call and text her, beggin' her to give me another chance. Or at least come over so we could talk. The ache in my chest was back, the same ache that had drove me to do cross the line many times before.

There was no way to get rid of it. Ally wasn't' here to talk to. Sex was the last thing on my mind. I'm sure they took the drugs from me. Nothing was going to help.

I tried sitting with Baby for a bit, but it didn't take my mind off of what a shitty person I was. I waited for her to fall asleep on my bed before lifting up a small section of my mattress. I grabbed the little SD card full of razor blades and closed the bathroom door behind me once I had walked in completely.

I ignored the mirror and went over to the bathtub, switching the water on. The loud falling water pained my ears and I stepped back to stand in front of the mirror.

I stared numbly at my reflection and felt my throat tense. I hated looking at myself after I've done something I know was wrong. Looking at myself reaffirmed the fact that I'm a real person and the mistakes I make affect others.

The mistakes I made just today lost me my job and girlfriend. Without Ally...I knew there was absolutely no hope for me. No one else would put up with me the way she did. No one would take the time to truly listen to me and be there for me when I was close to the edge.

After all she's done, I did this to her.

I found it very...unsettling how easily I just had sex with Rebeca. I didn't think of Ally at all. I did before and after, but not during. I didn't consider how wrong it was until it had already happened and by then it was too late to go back.

I had lost her completely. There was no way she was going to waste her time with me ever again.

I bit my lip to hold back the pathetic cry I wanted to let out. Instead of wasting my time with tears, I picked a razor blade to end it all with.

Remains of dried blood coated the edge of the stainless steel razor.

I dreadfully looked up at the mirror and tilted my head back to see the faded scar across my neck. I made sure to angle the blade in the same place and closed my eyes.

I gave a pathetic first attempt purposefully. I had kind of hoped that feeling the blade scrape across my skin would either scare me into not doing it or reassure me that the relief and end result would be worth it.

And at the sight of lightly ripped white skin, I decided I wasn't pushing down hard enough.

I clasped my eyes shut and quickly yanked the razor blade back and forth across the front of my neck, side to side until a line of red pulsed up and tapered down.

A gurgled cry rang out and startled me. It took me a second to realise I had started to sob. My hand went to grip loosely around my neck, but ripped back when a huge shock of pain shot through me from the brash contact. There was a thin layer of blood covering my hand.

I felt my stomach turn and emptied it into the sink.

My throat burned but wouldn't stop forcing dry heaves up, pushing more blood up through the cut. I retched loudly and fell back against the wall.

The blade pierced itself into the palm of my hand. I stared down at it and knew I might as well get it over with – and if I was, I had to do it right. I didn't know what I would do if I failed again.

I stepped over to the tub and saw it was nearly halfway filled. I slowly placed one foot in and then the other before crouching down, causing the water level to rise heavily, another reminder of how fucking fat and a waste of space I really was. I switched the tap off and drooped back. The stream of blood dispersed among the bathwater once I laid back far enough for my shoulders and chest to submerge under.

I felt at peace and oddly comforted in the warm water and ruined it by plunging my wrists under. I stared at the wall before quickly yanking the sharp blade diagonally across my skin. I held in my cries and cut myself again and again, then did the same to my other arm. I kept cutting until my arms and hands started to shake, dropping the razor blade from my grip.

I snatched it when it started to sink and dropped it to the bathroom floor. I didn't dare to look at what I had done, but knew it was bad from the sight of the water. It was a dark red.

I fought another gag and angled my head up to stare at the ceiling, breathing deeply through my mouth. I took in a deep breath and the gripped the sides of the bathtub. I pushed my head down until it was covered completely by water. I let the warm feeling consume me, keeping my eyes shut.

This was for the best. It really was.

This way it was all finally over. I wouldn't be able to fuck up anyone else's life. No one would have to deal with me anymore. Ally would be better off without me there constantly taking her down with me.

She'll understand soon enough. She can't hate me for doing her a favour.

But Ellie and...and Damien...I knew they would hate me for this. I know Ally would too, but...it just hurts so much to even breathe. I didn't deserve to. After all I've done, I shouldn't be alive. I'm such a terrible person. I know it, but it's like no matter what I do, I can't stop myself from ruining everything around me. I couldn't stop myself from being such a monster.

A muffled screamed bellowed out and caused ripples in the water. I screamed until I ran out of breath and my throat stiffened remarkably. Then I took a big gulp of water and tried to force it down into my empty stomach that hadn't contained food all day, and hoped some of that water would flood into my lungs. I continued to until I choked.

My natural reaction to spring up and breath in a heap of fresh air clawed through, but I tightened my grip on the sides of the tub and held myself under.

Soon, I stopped struggling. Soon, everything faded to black.

Everything will be better.

Everything.

***

##  CHAPTER FIFTEEN --

My ears tensed once the sound of muffled chatter hit then. Behind that was the faint sound of something beeping slowly. It was calming and I felt it begin to lull me back to sleep. However, the scent of the room around me was sharp and crisp, causing me to stir awake. It reminded me of the hospital. Such a dreadful place.

I fought to open my eyes, anxious about where I might be, but they were still heavy with sleep. I kept them closed and tried to focus on the talking around me. No words seemed to stand out.

My fingers suddenly twitched and I felt a wave of pain shoot up my arms. I clutched onto a thick material under me and pried my eyes open. I was blinded by the bright surroundings. Ugh, no. They narrowed into slits.

After a couple seconds, I recognised it as a hospital room.

The beeping sound from before speed up quickly and I looked to see a heart monitor, trying to keep up with my heart rate. I started breathing fast, becoming more and more confused.

What the bleeping bleep was I doing here?

I stared down at the clean, white sheets covering me and caught sight of my arms. Besides a tube sticking into my inner elbow, I gawked down at the white gauze that cased my wrists. I moved my fingers and sure enough, a shock of pain crept up them.

It was all slowly coming back to me.

I tried to kill myself.

I failed. Again.

My head dropped back and I swallowed hard when tears started to well up. How could I fail again? I tried so hard. I really gave it my all this time.

Another painful twinge had surged through me when I moved my head, but it wasn't in my arms. My neck. I struggled to bring my hand up to touch the gauze wrapped around the front of my throat.

I really tried so hard and it was another failure.

I took in choppy breaths and managed to suppress my lousy tears. No words could describe the worthlessness I was feeling. I really was so pathetic. I knocked my head to the side and sighed, my eyes landing on a stuffed plush tiger, a purple ribbon around it's neck. Then to the right when I heard something move.

I squinted at the body sitting in the chair next to the bed and when my vision cleared, I furrowed my brows. Ally was fast asleep, but repositioning her winter coat over her shoulders. It looked like she had been crying. The mascara around her eyes was smeared slightly and I saw smudges of it on the hood of her coat.

I couldn't believe she had stopped by. I couldn't believe she still even cared.

I looked at her shamefully and wondered if she had found me. Maybe she's here out of pity.

The tears built up again, but I sniffled and swallowed to keep myself from crying like a big wimp again. I gently tilted my head down and closed my eyes. If she was sleeping, I wanted to, too.

But after my loud sniffle, I heard Ally start to shift. I glanced up just as she opened her eyes and yawned, scratching her jaw. Her eyes shut momentarily while she stretched, scrunching her nose.

To think that I'd never get to see her wake up from sleep again was hard to grasp. This could be the last time.

She rolled her shoulders slowly as she finally started to open her eyes again. She stared up at the ceiling, moving the coat down to her lap. Her eyes looked around the room and stopped once they got to me. She started to smile at me, but dropped it when she remembered I was in a hospital bed.

Her voice cracked slightly, but she said, "You have no idea how badly I want to slap you again."

I laughed. "I'm sorry – for everything."

"You didn't have to do this. You know..." She brought her arm up to drag her finger quickly across her wrist. "That."

"I felt like I did. Like you said, I ruin everything."

"No," she whispered, shaking her head. "No, you don't. I'm so sorry for what I said. I was just so...hurt. I understand how difficult it is for you to control your thoughts."

There she goes again. Defending me.

I shook my head at her. "Stop defending me. Please. I don't deserve it."

"Yes, you do. Everyone deserves someone who will always believe in them. I'll always believe in you. Hell, that's why I'm here right now."

"I'll never understand you," I said with a laugh, making her smile.

"I won't either." She winked at me and then looked away to stare at the blank television set that had been rolled in here on a cart. "You know how scary that was?" she suddenly said.

"Mmm?"

"Do you know how scary that was?" she asked again, looking at me. "I came back to get my things, because I didn't think you'd be there and I went to get my makeup from the bathroom and...there you were. It was so scary. The water was red – dark, dark red. You bled so much. I thought you were dead."

"I wish you hadn't of saved me," I mumbled quietly, having to sniffle again to hold back the tears. I didn't mean to scare her. It just felt so impossible to live anymore.

"Why? I couldn't let you die."

"But I wanted to. That's why I did it."

"Well, I don't care. You're better than that. You can't go out that way. I won't let you. You can get better. Living in the past and only acknowledging the bad stuff is going to keep bringing you down. You have to let go."

I considered what she said carefully, but still shook my head.

"I don't think I'm ever going to get better. I'm such a downer, Ally. I'll always be such a downer. I don't know why."

"You're depressed," she reasoned. "It's not your fault."

Depressed? Was I? I never stopped to think about it. I always thought I was just sad or constantly in a state of low mood and aversion to activity that tends to affect my thoughts, behaviour, feelings and sense of well-being.

But depressed? I didn't want to label myself with it.

The room's door creaked open after a very inaudible knock. A nurse swished her head in and smiled lightly at us, seeing we were both awake.

"How ya feeling?" she asked me, making her way over to the bed. I noticed she had a small needle with her. I answered her with a shrug as she tinkered around with the clear bag my I.V. was hooked in to.

"Tired," I told her, watching her tap her index finger against the needle's body.

"Still?" she asked, chuckling. "You've been sleeping for a day, you know that? Are you in any pain?"

"A day?" I repeated, looking from her to Ally. "How long have you been here?"

"Ever since. Answer her."

"Oh. Uh." I wiggled my fingers around and cringed at the painful result. "For sure."

"Well," the nurse said, bending forward to softly grab one of the two tubes poking out from my arm. She stuck the tip of the needle in and pressed the plunger down. "In ten to twenty minutes, you'll be feeling grand."

I thanked her and waited for her to zip back out the door before having to turn my head to Ally as she said, "Ellie and Damien came by. A few other people came by, actually. Shelby, you know, Nakiah and Eric. She's pregnant, did you know that?"

"Nakiah? Yeah. I noticed that a while ago." I stared at the closed door. I felt terrible. Ally would love to be pregnant right now. I remembered her telling me it was all she ever really wanted more than anything else in the world. I thought vaguely back to Dr. Kasler and her 'abstinence from sex treatment.' She said we should wait to try for a baby until we were sure about each other.

A day later, I ruined it all.

Only one day.

Ally hesitated before she spoke again.

"You know, I've been thinking a lot," she said, popping her chin up on her fist. "About us and...I really think it's safe to say that we're no good together as a couple. We shouldn't be a couple. Not when you're...like this." A muscle in my jaw twitched. She continued, "I love you, just know that, but...it's not going to work out anymore and we have to accept that. We can still be friends -"

I interrupted her with a short scoff. She was pulling that card.

"I'm serious, Tyler." She reached forward to softly cup my hand in hers. "I want to be with you. I really do, but you can't deny a relationship isn't the best thing for us. We'd be better as friends."

"But I don't want to just be friends."

"I know. I don't either. I just don't know if I can handle another...heartbreak. It really, really sucks. I gave you so much and it's like you don't care. I don't know what I'd do if you cheated on me again."

As always, Ally had a point. I never meant to hurt her, never like this. I didn't know what I'd do if I cheated on her again. Attempt suicide? Probably, but having another failure was not an option I wanted to get ever again.

I kept my stare on her. Alright – time to think some sappy thoughts. She really was so beautiful. I was going to miss seeing this face and being able to kiss those lips. I was going to miss our friendship. There was absolutely no one else in the world I could have a friendship with like I had with her. Sure, she said 'we could still be friends,' but those things rarely work out after such a disastrous relationship.

I was going to lose her. I knew, she knew it.

I swallowed hard and forced myself to nod.

"Alright," I said nowhere near above a whisper. I couldn't get myself to say any more. If I tried to talk, it would be a bunch of 'No! Don't leave me! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I forbid you to leave.' and...Ally's cool, but...too cool, actually. I didn't want to hurt her anymore if she caved in to me forbidding the end of our relationship.

We sat around the hospital room for about five minutes, talking back and forth like what had happened didn't. The room had a fairly respectable entertainment system - *sarcasm* - complete with VHS player. We were watching the trailers at the beginning of Rugrats in Paris when the door was creaking open again.

In place of the nurse I thought we would be seeing again, Dr. Kasler peered into the room. Seeing I was up, she smiled at both Ally and I.

"Tyler," she greeted, stepping in. "How are you?"

"Still kind of crumby," I said bluntly, looking to the clear liquid-filled pouch. "The nurse gave me some more morphine, but..."

"Hasn't kicked in yet?" She gestured to the foot of the bed, asking for permission if she could sit there.

"Oh." I pulled my feet up so she had a place to sit. As she did, she locked her hands together in her lap. I noticed her smile was forced. And in about thirty seconds, I understood.

She tilted the smile at Ally. "Would you mind if I had a minute alone with him? To discuss what happened." Ally raised her brow, but nodded quickly, pulling herself up from the chair.

"Yeah. I understand." Making her way to the door, she smiled big at me. "I'll go get him something from the gift shop."

I playfully narrowed my eyes at her before laughing. "You're really going to go all the way down to the psych's gift shop?"

"It's not that far away," she seemed to be reminding me, halting from walking out the room's door. "Just a couple floors down. I want to get you something cute again."

"A couples floors?" I said, mockingly. The psych hospital was light years away from the actual hospital – all the way over on the west wing. "What part of the hospital are we even in?

She looked at me strangely, frowning. I faintly heard Kas say, "Oh."

Ally said, "Fourth floor. Tyler, you're in the self-harm/suicide care. We're in the psychiatric centre."

"It doubles as a psych hospital," Kasler added informatively. "We're in the infirmary section. Each floor has its own."

"The psych ward?" I repeated. I'm in the psych ward? I thought I was just lying in a normal hospital bed, not the one meant for someone crazy. I thought back to the directory outside of the lift.

FLOOR 1: Lobby, Gift Shop, and Cafeteria

FLOOR 2: Eating Disorder Care and Dr. Jennifer Rydell's Office

FLOOR 3: Abuse/Addiction Care and Dr. Cathleen Kasler's Office

FLOOR 4: Self-Harm Care and Dr. Spencer Andrew's Office

FLOOR 5: Group Sessions

I was being hospitalised.

Chances are, I was never leaving this bed again.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about, Tyler," Kasler said. "You attempted suicide. I told you that if I felt like your well-being ever had the warning of being in jeopardy, I had to do something. I can't let you walk out of these doors anytime soon. You're obviously not okay. I can't let you attempt suicide again. Here, you're safe. Here, you can get the help you clearly need."

"I'm in a psych ward," I mumbled to myself as it all started to set in. The psych ward.

Kasler looked up to Ally, saying, "I still need to talk to him."

"Got it," Ally nodded, stepping through the doorway. "I'll take my time."

I couldn't believe where I was. Still. I was going mental just thinking about spending however long here. I'm shocked I never saw any patients walking around the halls. After Ally closed the door, I became aware of the faint sound of someone screaming and crying. Several voices, actually. Have I just managed to block it out?

"Why haven't I ever seen any...patients?" I asked Kasler, apparently milliseconds before she was about to speak.

"Well," she said with a heavy sigh. "Your appointment was around noon. They were down having lunch in the cafeteria. I'll show you it soon. This really is one of the nicer facilities. I think your stay here will be...tolerable, for the lack of a better word."

"How long will I have to be here?"

"A minimum of ten days. If you show any signs of improvement, the duration can vary."

I looked at the closed door. I was going to spend ten or more days here. I just nodded back at Kasler.

She dropped her voice down. "I'm sorry I couldn't have been a better help to you. I really am. You came to me for guidance and I failed you."

"I still would have done it," I murmured, glancing at her quickly, "even if I hadn't came by to talk to you. I'd end up here at some point. I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner."

"This place will do you some good," she said, nodding thoughtfully. "Just let me know, if by the end of the ten days, if you don't feel like you're ready to leave, I understand; we'll understand. We're here to help."

Huge lie. Hospitals can't wait to throw you out. My mum stayed in the psych hospital for a week. It was obvious to everyone that she wasn't ready to leave, but they forced her to. A week later, she sprinted in front of a train.

They don't care. They never do. I won't be treated any different.

I ran my thumb hard over my knuckles, pressing down each time a spasm prickled through my arms. The pain was slowly dulling though as the morphine finally began to kick in. Slowly but surely.

A part of me didn't want the pain killer to work. I wanted the pain to stay.

I thanked her before the high got more intense. I've been on morphine before. It was only a matter of time until I was out of it.

She was talking again.

"We'll allow you to make a quick trip home once we get you all checked here – to get some essential belongings for you to keep here."

"Right." I was about to thank her again when loud voice from the other side of the door stopped me.

Kasler and I both gave each other raised brows as a voice snapped, "He needs to be here. You can just ship him off to prison where he won't get any real help." The voice was familiar, feminine. I recognized it as Ally's almost instantly. I've heard her use that tone many times before. Kas and I had to listen closely for whoever Ally was talking to to reply.

All we got was, "Listen, ma'am, he -" before Ally interrupted again.

"I'm twenty-six, you asshole. Miss not ma'am. The only reason he's in any of this is because of addictions, not because he's a bad person or a criminal." Her attitude changed drastically when she seemed to reason with them. "Please," she said, "let him get the help he deserves. I know him; he's worth redemption. He's not mentally well - he's lying in a hospital bed with bandages around his wrists, for god's sake. He shouldn't be locked away behind bars."

"Is that Allyson?" Kasler asked me quietly. I paused before answering her, waiting for Ally to speak again, but she didn't. I imagine there's an Old Western stare down happening on the other side of the door.

The other voice, belonging to an officer, I assume, finally spoke up, telling Ally, "He's committed multiple crimes at once. It's going to be hard to look past what he did -"

"What happened to the whole 'three-strikes' deal? He won't mess up again. I would put my life on the line to bet that he won't. And if he stays here and gets help, he won't. Have faith in him. He won't do anything like this again."

There was a lengthy pause. Then a sigh from the officer.

"I'll talk to him," Ally swore aloud. "Right now, about all this. But I promise you, he's going to get better." Another long pause then yet another murmured reply. I distantly heard a couple sets of footsteps walk off and then the door to this room was opened. Ally looked ruffled but smiled hugely at us. She closed the door behind her and whipped out a stuffed kangaroo plush to hold in front of her.

"Look at what I bought you," she grinned, coming over to stand inches away from the bed. I eyed the kangaroo in its little blue hoodie. It had a tie-dyed baseball hat on that, of course, had an inspirational quote written on it.

I read the very small print, "'It's like trying to pin a kangaroo down to a trampoline.'"

"Cute, right?" She smiled at the plush toy before unzipping its hoodie. "He has a little pouch. There's a tiny notebook in it. More inspirational quotes. I'll read you a few."

"Who were you talking to out there?" Kasler asked abruptly. Ally's eyes flickered up and she slipped the little book back in the kangaroo's pouch.

"You heard that? It was just a couple guys from the station."

"The police station?" I asked. She called a police officer 'asshole' because he addressed her as 'ma'am.' Oh, I love this woman.

She nodded, scoffing. "Could you believe them? They wanted to ship you off to prison. But don't worry. I talked them out of it. Or at least postponed the decision." Ally bent forward to set the kangaroo right next to the stuffed tiger. She leaned onto one of the bars framing the hospital bed. Her hand came up to move my bangs out of my eyes, which were in desperate need of a trimming.

She said quietly, "I won't let them take you. That's one thing you can bet on."

It was very evident to me that she refused to ever give up on me entirely.

She was such a forgiving person.

After Kasler had left, reminding Ally visiting hours were over in ten minutes, Ally had said to me, "You gotta stop looking back and living in the past. Stop hating yourself for the choices you've made. I don't want the next time I see you to be at your funeral." It was then I realised that she should write her own motivational quote book. Most importantly, that even if we were never going to be a couple again, her friendship was enough. It was all I really needed. I didn't need sex with her. I just needed to have her there to remind me I had potential and a purpose.

Unfortunately, I was high off morphine at this point, so I ended up laughing right in her face. I giggled uncontrollably as she leaned over to me, pressing a kiss on my forehead.

She laughed, "I'll visit you soon, alright? I love you," before she left, leaving me all alone in my hospital room.

My late reaction came out five seconds later, after the door had already closed.

"I love you too."

The room was eerily quiet. We had turned off the TV some time ago.

I laid back and closed my eyes, enjoying the drug-induced happiness. It's like a wave of warmth that goes through my entire body, making me feel weightless. I was on cloud nine. Things slowed down, nothing was hurting anymore and everything felt so surreal. I was finally so comfortable in my body; nothing was even the slightest bit unpleasant. Then I got a little itchy, but when I scratched, it was awesome, like I had this horrible itch for years and I finally got to scratch it.

I sighed, elated. Bomb-diggity.

But...my mind wanted to ruin everything so I could leave you guys with a proper ending.

I thought back over the past...uh, fuck-if-I-know number of months.

Everything I've done finally caught up with me. Self-harm got me stuck in a hospital bed – in a psych hospital, nonetheless; sex drove me to having sex with an underage student and drugs were soon going to be landing me in jail.

My arsenal of bad habits took me down and gave me a fate worse than death.

And all I really wanted all along was to finally die, though my current mental state told me that was the last thing I could ever want.

I was now left with the cruel reminder that I was saw in the wrong, doing the exact thing Ally did with me, but she got away with it.

She did, though, didn't she?

She took the drugs right along with me; she slept with me when I was an underage student and never got caught for it.

Why was I the one in trouble? Why did I get caught?

I was becoming subconsciously angry at the morphine trickling through my I.V. I fought the urge to rip it from my skin. Too loopy to do it, anyway, but it was keeping me from feeling any real emotions besides serenity.

There was a voice in the back of my head, reminding me that I really did deserve what I was getting. And there was going to be a long road ahead of me.

None of this was going to be over anytime soon.

Taking advantage of my numb limbs, I pushed myself to sit up straight. If I had done that sober, my arms would have screamed at me to fuck off. I reached over to grab the kangaroo. I unzipped the hoodie, grabbing the rainbow covered notebook from the pouch.

I flipped it open to the front cover and smiled down at a handwritten note.

You're a trash bag,

but I love you, I guess.

Stay strong, dumbass.

Loooooooove your pal Al(ly)

Sighing, I laid back and devoted the rest of my day to reading through the motivational quotes, flipping back between them and Ally's note, hoping they would be enough to get me to the end.

Til next time - yippie ki yay, motherfuckers.
