 
## The Strength of Love

# Jayne Amanda Maynes

Copyright © 2016 Jayne A Maynes

Published by Jayne A Maynes at Smashwords

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

All characters in this book are fictitious, and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

ISBN: 978-1-3106-1626-6

## Chapter 1

I stood there when the judge read the verdict of guilty, and felt numb all over. Guilty? Of being myself, yes! I was absolutely guilty of being myself, but of something that would condemn me to spend the rest of my life in a maximum security prison?

I was taken to the jail as soon as the judge pronounced me guilty, and said I was to serve the remainder of my life behind prison bars without any hope of ever getting out. The part that terrified me the most, wasn't that I had been found guilty of killing myself, but rather than spending my life in a female prison, since I now identified as female, I would be in a male prison, because in the eyes of the court I was male not female. If I was seen as male in the eyes of the court. How could I be guilty of killing the male everyone still saw me as, according to the court?

In the jail I was locked up in solitary, to keep me away from the other inmates waiting to either go before the judge, or out to the prison.

The first night in jail after my sentencing, after lights out, I heard some of the guards talking, and saw something thrown in my cell.

"You really think that queen will go along?" guard one asked.

"It wants to say it's female, and you can bet once it reaches the big house it'll either go all the way, or end up dead within a week," guard two said.

Apparently it didn't matter I was able to hear them talking, or that I knew they were talking about me. To them I was no longer human, I was a thing. As a human I had value, but as a thing, I was only worth whatever value someone else chose to place on me.

One of the guards shined his flashlight in my cell and said for me to put on the item they tossed in. I found the package and unfolded it to find it was a dress that by its look was less than half big enough to fit me.

I heard the lock to my cell click and the door moved.

"You can either put that on, or we'll put it on you," guard one said.

I undid the jumpsuit that was standard jail inmate apparel, and slid the dress over my head before letting the jumpsuit fall below my waist.

The dress was tight, but not overly tight, and as I pulled it down I noticed the skirt was longer than it appeared just holding it up in front of me. The top of the dress hugged my breasts, my nipples pushing against the material hard enough anyone would think they were aroused the way they stood out. As I pulled the skirt down I let the jumpsuit fall the remainder of the way to the floor so at no time was my sex visible.

As soon as I stepped out of the jumpsuit I felt one of the guards pull the skirt up hooking the panties I still had on, tearing the material making them no longer wearable.

"You want to be a woman? In this jail you'll dress like one as well as act like one. Most of the woman we get in here are prostitutes, and we'll be damned if we're going to let you be the exception," guard two said.

That was what this was all about. They figured the only way I'd ever make it, is if I were willing to be a prostitute, and that meant starting now so when I got to prison I'd be ready. After all I had killed a man as far as they were concerned even though there was no body.

"Follow the simple orders we give and you'll have privileges, don't follow our orders and you'll find yourself dead before you even make it to prison," guard one said.

I didn't fight them wanting me to dress in clothes like the dress they gave, and hoped that was as far as they were willing to go, but knew it was only the beginning. They intended to make me prostitute, and were willing to do whatever it took to do so, even kill me if I didn't.

The first night they just had me dress in a dress that barely covered me, and paraded me in front of all the other prisoners and guards, on occasion flipping my skirt up exposing my ass.

When the guard changed they left me in my cell wearing the dress and telling me the other guards would be doing things similar and if I didn't do what I was told they would make sure I regretted ever having been born, like I didn't already regret because of the circumstances I found myself in.

The second shift of guards didn't come by until after breakfast was served and the trays for those of us in solitary were gathered. When they did show up they tossed a bag in my cell telling me to make myself pretty and they would be back in an hour.

I picked up the bag and dumped it on the bed. There was makeup and brushes laying there, all from my own bathroom from before I was arrested. Along with the makeup there was a hand mirror I had never seen, and a razor so I could shave my legs.

An hour later the guards showed back up as I was finishing putting on the lip gloss.

I looked up as I heard the lock on the door release and the door slide open. Standing on the other side of the bars were two guards both with a look in their eyes I felt sure wouldn't bode well for me if I didn't do exactly what they said.

"That looks great, but I think this dress would be a better choice," one of them said tossing a dress on the bed.

I reached down picking up the dress and knew it had a shorter skirt than the one I was wearing and the top would show even more of my breasts. I kept my back to the guards as I pulled the dress I was wearing over my head and was stopped as soon as the dress was covering my face so I couldn't see anything.

The guard turned me around and released me to finish taking off the dress and putting on the other dress.

I felt their eyes burning into me, but didn't dare turn away again. I knew this was going to be something that would be repeated daily until I no longer turned away from them seeing me naked.

I stepped into the new dress pulling the shoulder straps on my shoulders and reached behind to pull up the zipper, looking at the floor the whole time.

"That wasn't very sexy," the only guard from this set to speak so far said.

They threw a pair of shoes on the bed and I sat down and put them on and almost fell when I stood back up. It had been a long time since I had worn heels anywhere near as high or small as these heels were.

"We're going for a little walk, and a visit with someone who can teach you how to fix your hair," the guard said.

I wasn't given an option about taking their little field trip and found myself constantly pulling down on the skirt of the dress they insisted I wear. I heard several of the other inmates cat call me and make comments about what they wanted to do to me.

At a cell on the other end of the block from me the guards told me to go in and wait, the person who lived there should be back shortly, and would be instructing me in how to fix my hair and a few other things.

I sat in a chair in a corner waiting. There were several books and magazines most either pornography or hyper masculine in nature. I suspected whoever this cell belonged to was into weight training of some sort and sure if it came down to fighting I wouldn't stand much of a chance.

"They said you were cute," a man that made at least two of me said entering the cell.

I looked up and smiled knowing if I didn't do exactly what this man said chances of living much longer were slim at best. Never had fear been something I let control me, but it had never been something so heavy before.

Looking in this mans eyes told me if I accepted who he wanted me to be I wouldn't need to fear his wrath and he just might be willing to do all he could to protect me from others.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Alex," I replied so meekly I wasn't even sure I heard my reply.

"I'm guessing that's short of something else?" he asked.

"Alexandra!" I said.

"Have you got a middle name Alex?" he asked.

"Kate," I said.

"Is that short for something?" he asked.

"No, just Alexandra Kate," I said.

"I want you to start using your middle name for everyone but me. You follow my instructions and I'll do all I can to keep you safe," he said.

I looked down afraid to meet this mans gaze any longer knowing anything he asked, or told me, I would do. I felt safe in his presence, but knew that safety wouldn't last long if I acted like his equal rather than allowing him to believe he was my superior.

He reached over placing a finger under my chin and raising my head so we again had eye contact.

"Alex I mean what I said, I can keep you safe in here, but it means doing what I say. If anyone asks, you tell them you belong to me. It won't take long and everyone here will know, if they do, or say, anything, they'll have to answer to me, but only if you act like you belong to me. I've never mistreated a woman and that does include women like you," he said.

I swallowed with the desire to live, but the desire for freedom burned just as deep and thanks to those I should have been able to trust most, freedom was something I would never again know.

"How much say will I have if I agree to be yours in here? I don't even know your name," I said.

"You don't know why I'm in here either, do you?" he asked.

I shook my head hoping only that I would be able to trust he would protect me without me having to do things I found to objectionable.

"Does it really matter why your in here? I know your sentence was almost as long as mine," I said.

He chuckled which I hoped was a good sign.

"I wish I could promise you'd never have to be with anyone else, but the truth is I couldn't protect either of us if I tried to push something like that. In here there aren't many woman, and some of the men in here aren't afraid to force another man to act like a woman in order to gain protection," he said.

"And since I do want to be a woman, that would move me to the top of the list for that kind of person?" I asked.

"You only want to be a woman? Is Alexandra your legal name or just one you made up for now?" he asked.

"It's my legal name, and part of the reason I'm here. My family didn't care that I dressed like a woman, or even that I started taking hormones. When I petitioned the courts to make Alexandra my legal name they convinced everyone I killed the person they knew," I said.

"So you never really killed anyone?" he asked.

"Why would I kill someone? I'm sorry, I guess in a way I did kill their idea of who I should be, so in a round about way I guess I killed myself," I answered.

He again chuckled at the comment.

He never did tell me his name, only that he did love the time we shared and he hoped we would be able to share more time over the years we would both be locked away from society.

He made love to me allowing me to be the woman I always knew I was inside. When the guards came to take me back to my cell it was a single guard who genuinely seemed concerned with seeing I was treated like a person.

This new guard seemed so friendly. I didn't want to trust him, but couldn't help but like him.

"He really does care about you," the guard said.

I stood there my head down waiting for anything that might show this man was the same as all the others had been.

"From what I've seen neither of you should be here. It seems you were setup, and Marc was just trying to protect what he loved most," the guard said.

I felt a tear start rolling down my cheek. So that was my protectors name, Marc. This guard confirmed Marc's story about why he was here, and from his words seemed genuinely surprised either Marc or I were being locked away for something neither of us had done.

"Why does it matter to you what society does to either me or Marc?" I asked just before stepping in my cell.

"Marc is my brother-in-law. He killed those men trying to protect my sister and niece," he said.

"I can understand why you care for Marc, but what difference do I make? Even my family doesn't care what happens to me," I said.

The cell door slid shut and the guard walked away never giving an answer.

Did I belong to Marc now? I did, but not in hopes he could protect me. Maybe he could and maybe he couldn't, it didn't really matter. I belonged to him because when I was with him I cared. Until I met Marc since this whole thing started I hadn't cared about living, and since meeting Marc I did care. I cared because Marc cared. I cared because I couldn't let Marc go through the hell we were both condemned to alone.

It didn't matter to me what I had to do to protect Marc, I'd do it. Since this started he was the only person to treat me like a person.

Lights out meant another change in the guard back to the guards from the previous night, and again the package thrown through the bars of my cell.

"You didn't really think we were going to let you spend another night in a dress did you freak?" guard one said as more a statement then a question.

I didn't say anything, as if there would have been anything to say.

I picked up the package laying it out on the bed. Seeing what it was I started undoing the dress I was wearing, this time without trying to show any modesty since I knew these two animals would only make things worse if I did. I slipped on the baby-doll and just stood there waiting for whatever was next. The baby-doll didn't do anything to hide my sex, and I knew that was what they wanted, because in their minds it proved I wasn't what I claimed.

For the next hour they did everything they could to humiliate me, and only succeeded in making themselves look petty and small minded in front of the other prisoners able to see and hear what was going on.

I knew word of what they were doing was going to get back to Marc, and didn't want him to do anything that might be considered foolish, or dangerous. I was sure I could handle these asses and hoped I would get the chance to talk to him before he tried dealing with the situation.

The door to my cell clicked and slid open and I knew if mine wasn't the only cell open things were going to get ugly quickly for me and I would be lucky to survive.

Neither guard entered my cell, or indicated they wanted me to come out, instead looking up and down the row of cells as though fearing all the other cells came open as well. I didn't get near the door of my cell for fear if I did the guards would claim I was trying to escape.

Shortly after the door opened I heard someone say something about only a fool would dare do to me what these guards were trying to do.

I started gathering the few things I had together, figuring before this was over I would be moving down the cell block to Marc's cell to prevent these two guards from attempting what they did this time.

"Katie is that everything?" the guard that lead me back to my cell before lights out asked.

I nodded it was and he indicated I should follow him.

"Yours wasn't the only cell unlocked, but it was the only cell opened. I'm afraid we used you to draw those two out," he said.

"Can I ask where I'm going?" I asked.

"Do you trust Marc?" he asked.

"With my life," I said.

"It was agreed that if you were able to handle this you could be with him. Katie he didn't like the idea of us using you this way, but you were the only one here we were sure they would play out their game with. He knew what was going on and agreed to let us handle it as long as we promised you wouldn't get hurt," he said.

"I wasn't scared for myself," I said. "I was terrified of what Marc might do if I did get raped or killed."

He looked over at me with a vague understanding shining in his eyes.

## Chapter 2

The next week was very quiet. After I was moved to Marc's cell no one seemed interested in me, whether out of fear of Marc, or just the fact I wasn't exactly female in every way, I didn't know and didn't really care. I knew I loved Marc, and felt certain he loved me as well.

We were scheduled to be transferred to the prison that would be our home for the next twenty years for Marc and the remainder of my life.

Marc's brother-in-law came by the morning we were to leave giving me a package, he suggested I open before we left.

"Alex if you aren't wearing that before you leave here, they'll probably take it away, and trying to get it back won't be easy. I know it will likely wear out before long, and I promise I'll try to make sure you always have one if you like it, but I can't promise anything," he said.

I opened the package and shook at the thought of what it contained.

"I hoped you would be glad to have it. I know my sister wore one until she was finally able to have her surgery," he said.

How could he so misunderstand, and think I wouldn't be very appreciative of the gift. I knew this was likely to be as close I would ever get now to having the surgery to align my body with my mind.

I threw my arms around him drawing him into a hug and kissed him on the cheek.

"Thank you so much," I said tears running down my cheeks.

Marc walked back in our cell and just stood there not sure what he was seeing.

"Dave so help me if you did anything to hurt her again..." Marc said.

"I was afraid maybe I did, but now I'm not sure," Dave said.

"Don't be silly, either of you. I'm not hurt I just never expected anything like this," I said holding up the item from the package.

"So you don't feel I was trying to tell you, you aren't what you..." Dave started to ask.

"I know this is likely to be as close as I'll ever get to having a body that matches who I know I am," I said.

Both men turned their backs blocking anyone from being able to see in the cell while I slipped on the present Dave brought me.

Once I had the item in place I touched each of them on the shoulder as a show of thanks for the little privacy they offered.

An hour after receiving the gift from Dave, Marc and I were taken down to the bus that would take us to the prison we would both be calling home for a very long time.

Once on the bus there were a few comments mostly from the guards, and I did my best to ignore them, but still felt the sting in each comment I heard. At the prison the guards saw Marc and never said anything as long as he was around, but as soon as he was processed they started making all kinds of comments, mostly aimed at me and trying to dehumanize me.

They made me strip down and one of them said something about a mistake that I should have been taken to the women's prison. Another one looked at my file and said there wasn't a mistake, everything in my file said I was male even though I had a female name and from all appearances was female.

They finally got me processed in and Marc met me when I emerged inside the prison.

"I'm surprised it took so long for them to get you processed, it was my understanding the paperwork was supposed to be done already," Marc said.

"They thought there was a mistake since all they saw after making me strip down was a woman," I said.

"I guess since I don't know any of those idiots... Alex we won't be allowed in the general population for a couple weeks. Once we are I know most of the guards and by now they should know you're with me, so should leave you alone, until then I don't know what's going to happen," Marc said.

Every day of the following couple weeks showed how little regard those who weren't inmates had for those of us who were. To them we were less than human and I was even less human in their eyes than the other inmates were. I was sure Marc was going to get in fights with them several times, which I knew would do neither of us any good since it would have separated us.

It took all I could to do to calm Marc and get him to let go of the insults thrown at me by those guarding us.

The last day before we were to be assigned to our cells in the general population two of the guards tried to rape me, and both earned a trip to the hospital for their efforts. One of them wanted oral sex and while I didn't show any signs of protest initially they did find out I wasn't willing as soon as they were undressed. One of them tried sticking his member in my mouth and had it bitten almost off for the trouble, the other I had in my hand and when I bit down on the one I sank my nails into the scrotal sack of the other almost tearing his balls off before he was able to get away.

When the med team showed up and saw what the problem was they laid both on stretchers and the remainder of the guards stood by laughing. Each time one of them looked at me there was fear in their eyes.

I was taken before the warden I was sure was in trouble.

"Tell me what happened?" the warden asked.

"Nothing sir," I replied.

"Nothing? I find that hard to believe. We have one man who likely as not will lose his member and another with his scrotal sack torn open leaving his testes hanging in the air you were the only other person in the room and didn't see a thing?" the warden asked.

"I didn't say I didn't see anything, only that nothing happened other than them getting what they asked for," I said.

"And what pray tell did they want?" the warden asked.

"The one who got his member bit off wanted a blow job, and the other one wanted a hand job," I said.

"So you did that to them?" the warden asked.

"I'd like to think they did it to themselves by trying to force something they shouldn't have. Sir, everyone knows I'm in here for killing someone, they also know there was never a body found which means either I chopped it into little pieces or found a way of hiding it where no one would ever be able to find it, or that the charges that landed me here are false, and the reason there was never a body found was because there never was a body," I said.

"I know the reason your here and while I don't think you should have ever faced charges, you are here now. If something like this becomes a regular thing I can assure you your time here will be pure hell," the warden said.

"Sir, since you do know the truth of why I'm here, I'm hoping you are willing to understand had those men not tried to force themselves on me they wouldn't be in the hospital now, and they are very lucky it was me who dealt with the situation rather than the inmate I belong to. If you try separating me and Marc you will have trouble you don't need, but if you will allow Marc and I to stay together I can promise we will both be model inmates," I said.

"In my book neither of you should even be here. I do know the particulars of his case as well. As long as you keep your word to me, I have no problem with the two of you staying together," the warden said.

I smiled on my way back to the cell block. I wasn't sure what Marc would say, but I had given my word and I intended to do all I could to keep it.

"What happened Alex?" Marc asked when I got back to our cell.

"Those two asses that thought they were better than we are, found out what getting fucked unwillingly means, and are now in the hospital," I replied.

He smiled trying to figure out what I could mean. He didn't ask any more questions I was sure hoping to find out more once lights out was called.

"Do you own me Marc?" I asked.

"I'm not sure I understand," Marc said climbing in the bunk with me.

"I told the warden if he was willing to keep us together we would be model inmates," I said.

"You interpret that to mean I own you?" Marc asked.

"I interpret that to mean the only way I have of fending off unwanted advances like what those two guards tried is you own me," I said.

"I'm still not following your train of thought," Marc said.

"I guess it means that if someone wants to have sex with me they'll come to you for a yes, or no, you would set the price and either they're willing to meet the price, or if they try raping me they'll face your wrath," I said.

"From what I heard facing your wrath should be enough discouragement to stop most of them," Marc said.

"For how long? Marc, how long can I hope to avoid being gang raped without someone else to help protect me in this place?" I asked.

He lowered his gaze and started shaking with the thought of what I asked. He knew even with word of what I had done to stop those two guards it wouldn't take long and others would try. If he were to claim ownership of me it would go a lot further in discouraging them from trying, but not stop them entirely.

The only real hope either of us had was if the governor, or the higher courts were willing to get involved and declare our murder trials the shames they were thus releasing us from this prison with either time served, or clearing the murder charges from our records entirely.

We moved into the main population and Marc and I were assigned the same cell. It didn't take long and several of the other inmates where asking about our situation, and learning what I had done to the guards who tried raping me. The more the other inmates learned about what I had done the fewer of them seemed interested in sex with me. All I could figure was they were afraid something similar might happen to them.

"I need to know if you would fight someone if I made arrangements?" Marc asked.

"Are you saying you want me to be with others? Marc, if you own me I'm bound to whatever you want, I know you don't want to share me with anyone else, and to be honest I don't want to be with anyone else, but I gave myself to you back when we were waiting to come to this hellhole. If you ask I'm willing to abide your request. I only ask if you do sell time with me, you do it for a price appropriate to what you feel I'm worth. I promise I'll never give you trouble unless you just try giving me to others." I said.

The second week in general population I was told I had a visitor. I headed for the visitor area wondering who it could be since I knew no one in my family cared about where I was since they were the ones who put me here. I thought of each of the members of my family and the secrets I knew of each of them. My twin sister was the only one with a secret that would have gotten her ostracized by the rest of the family, but even that ostracism wouldn't have been as bad as what I got.

I walked in the visitor room and there sat my twin sister.

"What do you want Kathy?" I asked, as soon as I was close enough she could easily hear me.

"I... Alex I..." Kathy stammered.

"You what? I'm here because of you and the rest of the family, so what do you want?" I asked again.

"I can't imagine what this is like for you," Kathy said.

I just stood there looking at her not understanding why she was here, or what she might want.

"I... Mom and dad found out I'm a lesbian," Kathy finally said.

"They didn't find out from me, so what do you want?" I asked

"I never had a clue what you went through from all of us. I guess I want to apologize for not standing by you when... Alex I'm sorry for everything you're going through because of me," Kathy said.

"If you're looking for forgiveness from me you had that a long time ago," I said.

"I'm not asking for your forgiveness, how could I, when I can't begin to forgive myself. I wanted to let you know I talked to the governor and told him everything," Kathy said.

"Did it do any good? Is the governor going to do anything? Kathy even if the governor does try pardoning me I won't accept it unless he's willing to pardon my cell mate in here," I said.

She gave me a dumbfounded look, as though to ask if I really said what it sounded like.

We spent another half hour talking before the guard said our time was up and I had to return to the cell-block.

Kathy sat there watching me walk away wondering if I was crazy after all. She tried to tell me she was working on getting me out, and I told her I wouldn't leave unless someone else got out with me.

"Dare I ask who it was?" Marc asked when I got back to our cell.

"Aways dare. It was my sister," I said.

"So at least one member of your family is standing by you?" Marc asked.

"I didn't say that. Kathy is a lesbian, I guess she finally told the rest of the family and has been disowned, and was hoping I would still accept her. Marc she said she went to the governors office and explained everything," I said.

"So you might be getting out of here?" Marc asked.

"Not unless you are. I won't accept a pardon unless they're willing to give you one as well," I said.

He didn't say anything, but did give me a strange look. He knew if it were just him he could survive, but wasn't sure he could protect me.

After meeting Marc, I didn't care about anything but protecting him. I loved him and to try living without him now was something I couldn't begin to comprehend trying to do. Everything inside me screamed it was up to me to protect him in any way possible, and that meant being with him in whatever circumstances we were in.

The weeks passed slowly without either Marc or I getting any visitors. Three weeks after my sister came to see me she came again, this time bringing her life partner with. When I was informed I had a visitor I was reluctant to go see who it was unless Marc was willing to come with me. When we got to the visitor center the guard started to refuse to allow Marc in since the visitor was there for me not him.

"Either you allow Marc in with me, or you can tell my visitor I'm not available," I said.

The guard looked from me to Marc and stepped aside allowing both of us to pass.

"Hello again little sister," I said walking up behind Kathy.

Kathy whipped around and threw her arms around me pulling me into a hug that almost took my breath.

"Alex I wanted to come sooner, but things kept getting in the way. Have you heard from the governors office yet?" Kathy asked, looking at Marc, with fear in her eyes.

"No, I haven't heard from anyone since the last time you were here. You don't need to be afraid of Marc he's my cell-mate," I said, leaning in closer and whispering that he was also the love of my life.

"You mean he's the one...," she started to say and just trailed off.

I watched as understanding settled in. Kathy and I had sworn a long time ago there wasn't anything we couldn't share. It was then I told her I felt like I should have always been a girl and she told me she thought she liked girls better than boys in every way.

"So whose your friend?" I asked.

Introductions were made along with hugs and handshakes. Hearing my name Kathy's friend insisted on hearing both mine and Marc's stories of why we were in prison. As both our stories started to unfold Kathy's friend started asking questions. With each answer we gave, her look deepened as the horror of what was done to us unfolded.

No promises were made, but I could see in her eyes that the governor was going to hear about us.

"I don't understand why you insisted on telling your sisters friend our stories," Marc said when we got back to our cell.

"You don't know who she is, do you?" I asked.

"You mean beside your sisters girlfriend. I'm sorry I haven't got a clue," Marc said.

"Did you see the newspaper last week?" I asked.

"I didn't read all of it, why?" Marc asked.

"When I knew it was my sister here to see me I knew who her girlfriend was because of an article I saw in the newspaper last week. Marc my sister was mentioned in the article, an article about the governors sister coming out as lesbian," I said.

"So that was the governors sister?" Marc asked.

"Who better to share our stories with than someone who can do something? Didn't you notice the hour visits are normally cut off, came and went while we were talking to my sister and her girlfriend?" I asked.

"You think... Alex I doubt it will do any good for me," Marc said.

"It will do as much good for you as it will for me, didn't you hear me tell them if you weren't included in a pardon I wouldn't accept one either? Marc what you did was no more wrong than what I did, we were both railroaded," I said.

"I think I heard a little more than that," Marc said.

"You overheard what I whispered to my sister then? I meant every one of those words," I said.

How could I tell him I no longer cared if I lived or died until I met him. That until he showed me love, I had given up on anything good ever being in my life.

He knew my story how when I changed my legal name, my family not only turned away from me, but did all they could to prove I wasn't even human. He saw me when I was first booked into jail waiting to come out to the prison. He should have been aware of how I changed after meeting him and started showing signs of wanting to live again.

"When I was found guilty and sentenced to life I didn't care if I lived or died, until I saw you and the love of life you had," Marc said.

We saved each other, something I wasn't aware of. I had no idea how hurt he was over the loss of his wife and daughter, or how lost he was about being charged with murder for trying to protect them from the two men who raped and murdered them.

Both of us had been wronged in ways most people couldn't begin to understand, and it was the love we saw in each other that saved both of us from the indifference of living or dying.

"I love you Marc! Everything I am right now is because of the love you gave me, I feel the need to give back and live, because you accepted me for me," I said.

He looked stunned, because he saw it as me having given him a reason to live, and now he knew he had given me a reason to live and care.

We talked about how we had come to mean so much to each other and what we hoped for in the years ahead, never forgetting where we were, or what the real chances were of either of us ever getting out alive. We knew the chances of never having the other inmates try to rape me were slim at best, and while I had given reason for them to not try, it was only a matter of time before someone would.

Every day was a day of managing just to maintain our sanity hoping for what could have been.

Another two weeks went by before I again heard from my sister, this time in a letter inviting me to her wedding. When Marc came in and saw me crying he sat on the bunk next to me and just held me until I was ready to talk.

I explained to him the reason for the tears, that my sister had invited me to her wedding, but because of the injustice done to us I saw no way of being there. He held me not saying anything, but I knew he understood how I felt.

A few weeks after receiving the invitation I received another letter, this time from my mother. When I saw the return address I set it aside not wanting to open it to see my mother not only condemn me further, but also condemn my sister. I knew if anything mom would blame me because Kathy was homosexual.

Marc saw the letter when he came in the cell. "I take it that isn't from your sister?" Marc asked.

"I think it's from my mother," I replied.

He didn't say anything more, but did look at the letter again. I knew he wanted me to read it since he also knew it was likely I would share it with him. In all the time we had been together he hadn't had one visitor or letter from the outside, while I had my sister who came to see me twice and now a letter from my sister and my mother, if I was right about who this was from.

Marc knew why I was in prison, that it was my parents and siblings who did all they could to insure I was locked away where no one could be exposed to me publicly. He also knew I hadn't disowned my family even though they had disowned me.

The longer he sat there looking at the letter not saying anything the more I wanted to scream. I didn't want to hear how bad I was again, and was sure that was what that letter contained. I stood up and walked over to where the letter was and tossed it at him.

"Maybe if you read it, you'll understand better," I said.

He opened the letter and started reading it. After having read through the first page he set it on the bed next to him.

"I think maybe you should read this Alex. If it's from your mother I really think you should," Marc said.

I gave him a look that couldn't be defined as anything but hate and fear. Surely after reading what he did he could finally understand the hate and contempt my family had for me.

"Alex I know you think this is just your family trying to dump more guilt on you, but I still think you should read it," Marc said.

I picked up the letter and didn't recognize the hand writing. If this was from mom I should have easily been able to recognize the handwriting, but this handwriting was different.

To Alexandra DeMay;

It has come to my attention the injustice done you and I wish to offer my regrets for any suffering you may have been through thus far. I understand your sister Kathrine has been in touch with the governor along with her life partner, who if I am not mistaken also happens to be the sister of the governor, but to no avail. It is my understanding the person you are supposed to have murdered is still very much alive, since you happen to be that person. I also understand you have said that unless the person imprisoned with you, a Marc Adleson, is not granted a pardon you wouldn't be willing to accept one. Knowing the particulars of your case I insisted my staff do all they could to obtain the particulars of Mr Marc Adleson as well.

I set the letter on the bed and started crying. The return address said mom and dad, but this letter wasn't from them, it was from someone who could make the whole thing as though it never happened. Actually no one could ever make it like nothing ever happened, but as far as the law, they could make it disappear as though it never happened.

Marc came over and put his arm around my shoulders offering what comfort he could.

"Alex it might not be a good idea to get excited about what is in this letter, it's from the Department of Justice not the White House," Marc said.

I looked up at him not understand what the difference was at first.

"The President can give a pardon for no other reason than he chooses to, the Department of Justice can only call for an investigation into wrong doing in cases like ours," Marc said.

I picked up the letter and started reading again. The second page was my mothers handwriting and said she hoped I didn't hold her responsible for what happened. When she found out what was going on she tried to say something and no one would listen.

I knew mom hadn't been to the court during the trial and assumed she didn't care what happened since she had voiced multiple times her displeasure about me transitioning.

## Chapter 3

It took a year before I heard anything about my appeal and the news wasn't good. The word I got was the courts didn't see anything in my case worthy of retrying the case. I shook my head and felt like crying knowing there were no tears left. It seemed everyone, but the courts, and my father knew I had no business in prison, but the courts felt prison was exactly where I did belong.

"Alex are you alright?" Marc asked.

"I'm fine, have you heard anything on your appeal?" I asked.

"I'll be back in court in two weeks. It seems some of the evidence used to convict me was planted," Marc said.

I smiled knowing if his case went back to trial he would be released on self defense. I wanted to tell him my appeal had been turned down, but didn't want to have him worrying about what might happen to me and thus turn down his chance to return to the life he never should have lost.

The days dragged by with the new court date for Marc drawing closer and closer. Two days before his appeal hearing he was transferred back to the county jail leaving me alone for the first time since arriving at the prison.

I hoped I would never see Marc on the inside of the prison again and wished without hope that something would happen to get me out as well.

The third week after Marc was taken back to the county jail I got word he was released with time served and two years probation. I knew the chances of ever seeing him again weren't good. I tried to pen a letter to tell him wishing him all the best life held and let him know I would forever cherish the time we spent together. Each time I started to write I broke down in tears. After the tenth time I just gave up and hoped he would know how much he meant to me. I knew I would never be able to put what I felt on paper, and didn't have anyway of making sure he would get it even if I could have.

The forth week after Marc left the other inmates started showing an interest in me sexually which scared me to no end. I knew it was only a matter of time and someone would successfully rape me, and with Marc gone there was no longer anyone to help. The fact I made it a year without someone raping me told me just how much I needed Marc, or someone like him.

After Kathy's wedding invitation I never received anymore mail or visits from her and the one letter was all I ever received from mom.

Six months after Marc left I was moved to solitary for my safety. I hadn't received any of my hormones since being booked into county jail and I was feeling really horrid because of it. I stopped caring about anything again knowing the sooner I died the sooner I would find relief. I couldn't be what others wanted, and they weren't about to let me be who I was. Two weeks after going to solitaire I made my first attempt at suicide, taking the razor I had apart and slitting both wrists just after lights out.

For some reason the guards didn't follow protocol and made a last round before I even passed out from blood loss. When I woke in the hospital and knew I was still alive I tried to move hoping to tear out any stitches that might have been put in, and found I was fully restrained so I couldn't do anything but cry.

I didn't want to live any longer so why didn't they let me finally kill the one person I was supposed to have already killed. Rather ironic isn't it? I was sent to prison for killing the man I was supposed to have been, and now that I did try killing him they stopped me, and put me in restrains to keep me from attempting to try again.

"I understand you cut yourself," some fool said sitting next to the bed I was tied to.

"If the guards would have followed procedure we wouldn't be having this conversation and they would finally have a body for the murder I was sent to prison for," I said.

"I don't think I understand," they said.

"Of course you don't understand," I said. "I was sent to prison for killing Alexander Kevin DeMay. The day I was arrested for the murder, I legally changed my name from Alexander Kevin DeMay, to Alexandra Kate DeMay."

"So you were sent to prison for killing yourself?" they asked.

"What difference does it make anymore. Since going to prison I had one sister visit me twice and send me a letter inviting me to her wedding which I couldn't attend because I was in prison, and one letter from my mother. After being locked in solitary for what they said was my own protection I've had no contact with anyone, even the guards refused to talk to me. So you tell me what difference it make whether I live, or die. It would cost the tax payers a lot less to just let me die then keep me alive," I said.

They stood up and walked out. They didn't say anything, just walked out like everyone else in my life had done.

I laid on that bed after the person who wanted to justify me trying to live left for what seemed hours, and someone else came in.

"Do you know what the Bible says?" the person asked.

"Sure it says love your neighbor as you love yourself, do you know why I was sent to prison, and felt so alone, I would consider suicide?" I asked.

"I'm sorry?" they said.

"That's what I thought. Why don't you take your foolish BS somewhere else and see if you can't convince someone who hasn't been so abused by the religion you seem to care so much about," I said.

"What makes you think I don't care?" they asked.

"Do you think LGBT people should have the same rights you have, the right to marry the person they love, the right to be who they know they are, and accepted for who they are? I was sent to prison by holier than thou religious assholes," I said.

"With an attitude like that you belong in prison," they said.

"More then likely, and with an attitude like yours you deserve the Hell your religion talks about," I replied.

The person stomped out and I felt much better.

"That's two people you chased off," someone said coming in the room.

"The only reason they had for running off as they did is they didn't know what they were talking about," I said.

"And what about me? Will I be told I'm less than perfect because I haven't been there to help for the last few months?" he asked.

"I'm glad you weren't there, but I wish you weren't here now too. They denied my appeal," I said.

"I'm here now, and I'll be here as long as you need me," he said.

"They put me in solitary and said it was for my protection. I was so alone and just wanted it all to stop," I said.

"If you promise you won't try tearing the stitches out I'll remove the restraints, I have something that I hope will make things better for you, and I really would hate to lose you," he said.

"Marc unless you have a way for me not to have to go back there I still don't have any reason to live any longer," I said.

"It's a marriage license, hormones, and someone who loves you and doesn't want to lose you. It also includes a pardon and surgery," Marc said.

The tears started flowing again with the thought he had been able to accomplish what my sister and mother failed.

"Are you asking me to marry you?" I asked.

"You were the only reason I cared the whole time I was there. I wanted to visit you every day after I was out, but needed to talk with a few people and explain what happened. I hoped it wouldn't take as long as it did, and when I heard you tried to kill yourself I told them I needed to get back here as fast as possible. I was afraid I lost you," Marc said.

"After I was sentenced I didn't care if I lived, or died, until I met you. I kept going for you. You didn't belong there and I was willing to do anything to make sure you were safe. Marc I had no hope other than you," I said.

He looked devastated that the only reason I showed signs of life when we were together was because of him and the thought he left me alone for so long. He didn't know me before we both found ourselves in jail, but after we met he never saw me where he could have believed I didn't love life.

He again offered to remove the restraints if I'd promise not to try hurting myself again.

"Marc I don't care if you don't remove the restraints if you'll at least help make it so I can sit up a little," I said.

He made some adjustments to the bed so I was sitting more than laying. At first the restraints hurt, but the more of a sitting position I was in the less they hurt.

"I have something for you. It isn't big, but it's the best I could do for now." He held out a box that had a beautiful ring in it. "I hope it's the right size, your sister helped me pick it out," Marc said.

I felt a tear hit my cheek knowing if all he said were true there was no longer anything standing in the way of us being together, other than me being in the hospital under suicide watch.

"I hope you'll consent to becoming my wife," Marc said.

Another tear started rolling down my cheek followed by even more. From the time I had met this man I hadn't been able to think of anything other than making sure he was safe. Each day we were together life meant everything, and was beautiful even in the circumstances we found ourselves.

"I tried to write you a letter and gave up because I didn't know how to express what I felt in a way that you might understand. When I heard you were out I was so happy for you, and hoped I would never see you again because of where I was. Marc I..." I fell silent not knowing what to say.

He didn't say anything I was sure not knowing what he could say. He started undoing the restraints holding me and before releasing the ones holding my arms leaned over giving me a kiss.

When his lips touched mine I melted and would have promised anything if only he would tell me he loved me. I didn't dare hope to hear those words, but reflecting on everything he said thus far, I heard them just the same. He said he wanted me to be his wife, that he never wanted to be apart from me again.

As soon as my arms were free I wrapped them around his neck holding on as though letting go would be the end of the world.

"I love you Marc," I said. "I never want to be without you again."

He kissed me again and I let him go.

"There are a couple other people here to see you if you feel up to it," Marc said.

"As long as they aren't like those two before you I don't mind," I said.

He walked over to the door and motioned someone to come in. Until he stepped out of the way I couldn't see anything but his back, but could hear it was more than one person.

Marc stepped aside and Kathy came in the room tears running down both cheeks, she was followed closely by the girlfriend she had the last time I saw her, the girlfriend that was now her wife. Behind Kathy's wife was mom, and I felt the tears start running down my cheeks. I hadn't heard anything form any of them in so long I thought they had forgotten about me.

Kathy came over and gave me a hug then stepped aside and let her wife give me a hug followed by mom.

"I'm so sorry Alex. I didn't know until it was too late for me to do much of anything," Mom said kissing my cheek.

The tears running down my face never slowed. I wanted to tell mom I loved her, but the words caught in my throat making talking impossible.

Mom broke the hug and stepped back tears running down her cheeks to match the tears on Kathy's face as well as my own. Marc came over and sat on the bed pulling me into his lap. I rested my head against his chest and everything stopped but the beating of his heart. How many times had he held me like this when we were alone in our cell.

I didn't remember being tired, but the next thing I remembered was waking up still in Marc's arms. He was gently running his fingers through my hair being careful not to pull my hair.

"You know, your beautiful when your sleeping?" Marc said.

I looked up at him and smiled.

"You've been asleep for hours," Marc said.

"I didn't even know I was tired," I said.

"Do you think you could handle meeting someone?" Marc asked.

"Will you be here?" I asked.

"I'm always with you. I'll tell them it's a condition of you agreeing," Marc said.

I smiled again and laid my head back against his chest and closed my eyes.

I felt him lift me laying me on the bed and I was again asleep.

I had no idea how much time passed from the time he said someone wanted to meet me and when I woke with him sitting next to me. For me it seemed moments, but since he was asleep sitting there I knew it had been hours. I felt much stronger and much more awake.

"He's been sitting there since I got here," Mom said sitting on the other side of me.

"I love him," I said.

"He has refused to leave you for more than a few minutes since he found out about your attempt. Alex, I think he blames himself," Mom said.

"Mom the blame is all mine, I'm the one who gave up," I said.

"None of us can blame you for that dear, I don't think any of us could have held up as long as you did," Mom said.

"I felt so alone... after Marc received his appeal I was alone in there, maybe if someone would have written it wouldn't have been so bad, but it was like I no longer existed to anyone, not even the guards or other inmates," I said.

I hadn't looked over to mom the entire time we talked. Seeing Marc sitting there was all that mattered. As long as he was here nothing else mattered. He stirred and I reached out to touch him.

"Hello again beautiful," Marc said smiling.

I smiled back at him.

"Are you feeling up to meeting someone now?" Marc asked.

I moaned hoping he understood he was the only person I wanted at the moment.

"Caroline is there any chance of getting about five minutes and could you let them know she's awake again and ready to meet them?" Marc asked.

Mom stood up and gave me a hug letting me know she really did care, then left closing the door.

"Alex, I want to say I didn't know until they pulled me out," Marc started.

"I don't understand. What do you mean until they pulled you out?" I asked.

"I mean the charges you and everyone else thought I was in prison for were all made up. I was investigating the prison system for the Department of Justice. Several prisoners had filed civil rights violations and the only way we could investigate them without it being found out before we could find out the truth was for someone to go inside," Marc said.

"So everything was a big lie, you really didn't care about me as long as you got the dirt on what was really going on?" I asked.

"You were something none of us counted on. Alex every minute I spent with you was because I wanted to. Everything about the relationship we had was real, all except the real reason I was there," Marc said.

I felt the tears start, and knew I would be crying uncontrollably before long. If I didn't get out what I needed to say, I didn't know when, or if I ever would.

"I never lied to you Marc, I trusted you and you did lie to me, I want to trust you now, but with what you just said I don't know if I can," I said.

He didn't say anything not that I wanted him to. What I wanted was that he had wanted to tell me from the start.

"I love you Marc, I don't know how not to love you, but I don't know if I can trust you," I said.

I sat up as best I could and patted the bed hoping he would sit next to me.

"I hope I never give you reason not to trust me again," Marc said.

I smiled and kissed him. The door opened and a group of men walked in.

"So who is it here to see me dear? The President?" I asked.

"As a matter of fact it is. I guess the Secret Service just wants to make sure you haven't got anything with which to threaten, or injure him," Marc said.

"If they don't hurry a little I'll be asleep again before he gets here," I said smiling.

"Miss DeMay I really hope that won't be the case. I'm sure by now most of my advisors are wondering what is holding me up and I seriously doubt I could put them off much longer," the President said walking in the room.

I felt my muscles tighten as he walked in feeling the need to stand and knowing I wasn't near strong enough to do so.

"It is my understanding Miss DeMay that you played a large part in making corrections to the justice system here," the President said.

I sat there not having much of an idea what he was talking about.

"Sir I..." I started to say I hadn't done anything.

"Mr President until a few moments ago Alex didn't know anything about what was going on, or her part in it. Some of those calling the plays thought it would be best not to tell her. The bandages on her arms are the result of that decision, a decision I would go against in the future if given the chance," Marc said.

"I'm not sure I understand," the President said.

I didn't know if I could say anything that would make sense, but knew I needed to tell this man the reason I was in the hospital with bandages on both wrists.

"Um... I was sent to prison for killing someone who isn't dead, or actually never lived would be a better way of saying it," I said

"Now I really don't understand," the President said.

"I'm transgender," I started. "After I moved out of my fathers house into a place of my own I started transitioning from the me I always hated, to the me I am now, someone I do like. At first I was simply disowned by my father, something I didn't like, but could live with. For six years I worked to become the me I always knew was hidden inside and within six months started on cross-gender hormones. Because I was an outcast in my family they didn't know much about what I was doing, and I made several friends who became my new family."

"After ten years of transition I felt it was time to legally change my name to better reflect who I was becoming and changed my name from Alexander Kevin DeMay, to Alexandra Kate DeMay. My father found out about my name change and filled charges against me for killing his son Alexander. Of course everyone in the family of friends I now had thought it some kind of joke, right up to the point of it going to trial, where I was found guilty, and sentenced to life in prison without a chance for parole," I said.

"You... how could..." the President stuttered, looking from me over to Marc and back to me.

"I met Marc while in county jail waiting to go out to the prison I was sure would be my home for the remainder of my life. Marc and I shared a cell for the last few days we were in the county jail before being transferred to the prison and shared a cell in prison until Marc left for what I thought was an appeal."

"When I got word he won his appeal and was out I hoped I would never see him again, and understood if I didn't at least hear from him for a couple years, since I heard he had two years of parole before he would be free completely of the system."

"Once we reached the prison, my twin sister came to visit me and give what support she could, and let me know she met that special someone we all hope one day to find. A couple weeks later she came to visit again this time bringing with her, her special someone."

"A few weeks went by and I received an invitation to my sisters wedding, a wedding I knew I would never be able to attend because I didn't hope to ever get out of prison. A couple months later I received a letter from my mother telling me she had written to the Department of Justice telling them everything."

"I had an appeal coming up and hoped maybe it would mean all the lies from my original trail would be exposed for the lies they were and I would again be free to just be myself. I thought Marc also had an appeal coming up about the same time. I received a letter from the appeals court denying my appeal, and Marc told me his appeal had been approved and he was sure everything would be ok."

"Six moths after Marc left I was placed in solitary confinement for what they said was my own protection, so for the next two weeks I spent twenty-three hours a day in a five by seven cell with nothing to do. I hadn't received any mail since the letter denying my appeal and had no visitors since the second visit from my sister."

"Tell me sir, how long can someone go like that before they give up all hope and find death no longer something to be avoided. I had nothing to live for. I was alone in a world I didn't belong in. I had no contact with anyone, not even the guards would acknowledge I existed other than that one hour a day, and even then they never treated me as anything other than an unwanted animal."

"After two week of no contact with another person I gave up. I knew the schedule in solitary, that after lights out there wouldn't be another guard come by for hours. I took the blades out of the razor I had and waited until lights out and then waited another ten minutes or so just to be certain by the time anyone found me it would be to late for them to do anything more than call the coroner. I had nothing to live for any longer, and I had been sent to prison for killing myself so why not make it true?" I said.

The President sat there the whole time listening, when I got to the part of how alone I was tears started rolling down his cheeks. He understood the loss of will to continue, when it seemed there was no reason left to continue.

"Miss DeMay, I'm at a loss for words, from what I know and have heard everything you've gone through was wrong. I never would have guessed it was possible for anyone to suffer the injustices you have in this country. Tell me if you can. Is what happened to you an isolated thing?" The President asked.

"To the degree it happened to me, probably, but I wouldn't be surprised to find out I'm wrong. Sir, the injustices to the transgender and homosexual peoples of this country are everywhere. The prejudice is shown every day in more ways than anyone could begin to recount. I went to prison for a crime I never committed, all because someone couldn't accept me for being the person I knew myself to be instead of who they thought I should be. Solely because religious beliefs that say anyone who is different isn't worthy of being treated as human," I said.

The conversation was over and I didn't know what if anything had been accomplished. Would anything I said change anything? Did this President care anything for the average person on the street, or for that matter, anyone in the LGBTQI community? Would religion continue to override human dignity?

Time would tell, and I had nothing but time. If the stint I did in prison showed me anything, it showed me what in this life really is important and what isn't.

For me having someone I love and care for is very important, so important that not having someone is worse than death to me.

The papers showing I received a Presidential pardon were authentic, and once I was healed enough to get out of the hospital Marc took me to his home and said he hoped I would be able to make it mine as well.

"Marc your wife and daughter, they were killed in this home?" I asked.

"No, after they were killed I couldn't handle going back to that home. I sold it along with most everything in it. I do still have the pictures and letters, but the home stopped being my home the night they died," Marc said.

I felt a tear running down my cheek thinking of what this man had been through and wondering if he ever wished he had been home that night. I knew the story of his wife and daughter was true, that they had been raped and murdered by two men who broke into the house, but now knew the part about him having killed those men was just a cover. The night his wife and daughter died he was across the country attending a meeting for the district supervisors of the FBI.

I sat next to him and hugged him as best I could.

"I love you more than I know how to say," I said.

I knew talking about his late wife and daughter was hard for him, and while I did want to know as much as I could, I was willing to let him decide when, if, and what to tell me. I already knew there was little he could, or would do, that might make me question how I felt about him.

"Alex, there are likely to be some who will still try denying your a woman," Marc said.

"There are always some out there who can't accept someone for one reason or another. Marc, if I worry about people who can't accept me for who I am, I'd never be able to do anything and I might as well be back in solitary confinement," I said.

"I made a doctors appointment for you for tomorrow, I thought you might want to get back on hormones," Marc said.

"Thank you I'd like that very much. It isn't as bad as it was six months ago, but I do miss how much better I feel with the right hormones going through my system," I said.

He showed me around the house and promised if there was anything I needed to just let him know.

What I needed most was to see how bad my time in prison had affected the friendships I had in the community. Would they still accept me and that I hadn't killed anyone? The only way I knew of finding out was to make a few phone calls.

## Chapter 4

I called the local Pride Center hoping who ever answered was someone I knew, only to have someone I didn't know answer. They were willing to set up an appointment for me to meet with someone, but it meant waiting a week.

Rather than schedule an appointment I asked Marc how he felt about stopping there either on the way to, or the way back home from the doctors he smiled and said it would probably be best after since he scheduled the doctors appointment for early morning.

I called a couple other phone numbers hoping to talk to someone in the trans community only to hit answering machines, or no longer working numbers. It seemed in the time I had been in prison everything out here changed, and I had no idea how to contact anyone.

I needed some clothes if I was going to be out in society again. Marc had shown me the bedroom and I noticed clothes hanging in the closet as well as several drawers in the dresser that had womens apparel and started taking a closer look at what I had available. I found a dress that looked perfect for a casual day out and set it out where it would be easy to find in the morning.

I found another dress that looked great for puttering around the house and quickly changed.

"I hope those clothes are all ok," Marc said coming in just in time to help me with the zipper of the dress I was now wearing.

"Why wouldn't they be?" I asked. "They look like the clothes I had hanging in my closet before I was arrested."

"Your mother and sister gave them to me and said they were yours," Marc said.

"Marc, what's going to happen now?" I asked.

"I don't know. I hope we can make a life for ourselves," Marc said.

"Are you going to stay with the FBI?" I asked.

"I'm on administrative leave right now," Marc said.

I gave him a dirty look letting him know that was one of the worst non-answers I'd ever heard.

"I haven't decided yet. Alex after what was done to you I'm not sure I want anything to do with law enforcement," Marc said.

"Is this a real ranch?" I asked.

"It was my fathers," Marc said.

"You grew up here?" I asked.

"My parents died just before I got married," Marc said.

"You don't have any brothers or sisters?" I asked

"My brother owns the property next door to the east," Marc said.

"So is this a working farm or ranch?" I asked.

"My brother has been taking care of it, so the cattle are all his," Marc said.

"And he has too many cows to keep them on his property only?" I asked.

"I don't know, I guess I could talk to him about it, if you're interested," Marc said.

Our conversation continued for a while learning about each other. More me learning about him then him about me since I never lied to him, the way he lied to me.

I was still used to being told what time to go to bed, and when that time came I headed for bed.

"Alex, here you can set your own schedule for bed time," Marc said.

"I know it seems early, but even before I went to jail I tended to go to bed about this time," I said.

He smiled and said he would be to bed shortly. I wanted to look around the property over the coming days and see if perhaps I could help turn it into a working ranch that could support Marc and I, or if we would be better off finding work in town, and letting Marc's brother continue ranching the land.

I was out of bed at five the next morning and by the time Marc got up had breakfast waiting for him.

After breakfast was cleaned up I started looking around outside hoping to get a feel for where I was. All the flower beds looked as though they hadn't been tended in years and had more weeds than flowers in them. I started thinking of what flowers I might put where when Marc joined me, following from one flowerbed to another not saying anything.

"At least the yard looks well cared for, but these flowerbeds look like no one has cared for them in years," I said.

"I'm sure Eric has someone mow the lawn every week whether it needs it or not, but knowing him and his husband, I doubt the flower beds have been tended since mom died eight years ago," Marc said.

"I need to get a driver license again," I said.

"I don't mind taking you wherever you need to go," Marc said.

"I appreciate that Marc, but I really should get a driver license. Knowing mom and Kathy, one of them has my car from before I was arrested and more than likely haven't driven it more than five or six times," I said.

"I guess I should give you the package that was retrieved from the jail. It's supposed to have everything you had when you were booked into jail," Marc said.

We talked a little more with him asking what I thought about the house we were in and what I wanted to do. I loved everything about the house so far, everything but the flowerbeds, and those I could fix with enough time.

There was one flowerbed I wanted to start on more than any of the others and Marc laughed when I told him what I intended to do with it. The flowerbed was just out the back door and an ideal place for a herb garden. As long as I was careful I would be able to grow most of the herbs I cooked with and if we had a dehydrator I should be able to dry enough herbs throughout the summer to get us through the winter as well.

We needed to go into town for my doctors appointment so I could get my hormones again and I wanted to stop at the Pride Center to see about getting back into helping others who needed help.

At the doctors, the doctor wanted to know why it had been so long since my last visit and said I really should get into therapy, that unless I did she wouldn't give me more than two months worth of hormones and when the prescription ran out she wouldn't renew it. I didn't like the idea, but knew arguing wouldn't get me the prescription I wanted.

From the doctors office we stopped at the Pride Center and when I walked in I felt the world had changed entirely in the time I had been in jail.

"May I help you?" they asked.

"I hope so Julie," I said. "I need to see about getting back into therapy and was hoping maybe I could help around here like I used to," I said.

She finally looked up at me and frowned as though she had never seen me before. When the light of recognition came on, she stood up and walked into a back room.

"I'm sorry there's nothing we can do to help you," Maude said coming out of the back room.

"I don't understand, all I want is to help if I can, and to get a referral to a therapist if possible," I said.

"We don't need your kind here Alexandra," Maude said.

"And just what kind is that Maude?" I asked.

"The criminal kind," Maude said.

I looked at her not believing what she just said. Yes, I had been to prison, but I had been there on false charges.

"The crim... I can't believe you just said that. Do you have any idea what happened? Yes, I did end up in prison, but I never killed anyone, and the person I was found guilty of killing is still alive, but not who those who filed the charges wanted them to be. You of all people should know how false the charges were and that I was railroaded," I said.

"We don't need your kind around here, please leave, or I'll call the police and have you arrested," Maude said.

Marc started to say something and I gave him a dirty look telling him this was one time I didn't want him trying to protect me.

Rather than leave I headed for the office of the Pride Center director.

Maude gave me a look that would have stopped most people, but never said, or did anything else.

I knocked on the office door and waited for a response, sure Maude would follow through on her threat of calling the police. When I heard someone say something in the office I opened the door and stepped in with Marc right behind me.

I stood there waiting for Jeff to acknowledge me and after standing there a couple minutes he hung up the phone and looked up.

"I didn't think we would ever see you again Alex," Jeff said.

"Believe me I didn't think I would ever get out alive," I said.

"So someone figured out you didn't kill anyone. When I heard what was happening there wasn't anything I could do, and there were enough people around here who were glad to see you gone even if I could have helped they would have done everything they could to make it ineffective," Jeff said.

"It sounds to me like there are few around here who really do care, and wanted to help," Marc said.

"I'm guessing your with Alex?" Jeff asked Marc.

"Yes sir, I am, and I'm very interested in seeing she gets the best possible," Marc said.

"Now I'm curious how you two met," Jeff said.

"Marc works for the FBI and was investigating corruption in the legal system here, he was working undercover when we met," I said.

I didn't see any point in going into detail about something that didn't really matter to anyone but me.

"Jeff I need to talk to a therapist, and I was wondering if you might want my help with anything," I said.

"As for helping with a therapist, no problem, but I think for now it might be better if you don't help, at least not openly," Jeff said.

So they could use my help, but for the time I was more of a liability than an asset because of a few closed minded individuals.

Jeff gave me the name of a therapist, even offering to call them to schedule an appointment for me.

From the Pride Center we headed over to Kathy's to see about my car and whatever other things of mine she might have.

I rang the doorbell when we arrived at Kathy's and heard someone inside so waited for whoever was there to answer.

"Oh, it's you. What do you want?" Niki my youngest sister said when she opened the door.

"I was hoping to talk to either Kathy or mom," I said.

"You should still be in jail where David put you," Niki said.

"Alex I didn't expect to see you yet," Kathy said coming to the door. "Won't you come in?"

"That depends. Kathy, I came by to ask about my car," I said.

"Niki's been using it. I'm sure if you need it back she'll manage though," Kathy said, and Niki gave me a dirty look.

"I don't have a problem with Niki using it as long as she's paying the insurance on it and is willing to register it in her name, so I can have my plates back," I said.

Niki's dirty look didn't change which told me the car was still in my name meaning the registration was expired and it likely didn't have insurance.

"Niki I'm willing to sell you the car for fifty dollars, but as long as it's registered in my name I can't let you, or anyone else, drive it. I know the registration is expired and doubt there's any insurance on it any longer either," I said.

"I can't afford fifty dollars," Niki said.

"Niki if you can't afford fifty dollars you can't afford to be driving my car. You know I didn't do anything to deserve what dad did to me, especially since he had already disowned me as part of the family. I didn't expect to see you here since it seems you want to follow whatever dad says is right and the way you greeted me when you answered the door tells me you still can't accept me as family so why would you want to drive my car anyway?" I asked.

She gave me a very hurt look, that I would talk to her like I did. She hadn't seen how she had done anything wrong, after all I wasn't really a girl in her view and I was no longer a boy either.

Marc and I entered Kathy's home and we all sat around the dining table talking.

I let Kathy know I didn't care if Niki drove my car as long as it was legally registered and insured. As far as I cared the car was hers and she could give me the fifty dollars whenever she could I didn't want to put her in a bind and Marc could see to it I got wherever I needed until I was able to get another car.

Kathy promised she would encourage Niki to be a little more accepting of me since she knew Niki loved the car.

Mom showed up about the time Marc and I were ready to leave so we stayed a little longer and I let mom know I was selling my car to Niki for fifty dollars, but she wasn't to drive it again until she filed for a title transfer and had the car registered and insured in her name.

Mom smiled that I would be so willing to help out my baby sister, so she wouldn't be dependent on either Kathy or her to do things.

I didn't know how much Marc had and it didn't really matter I knew he had two cars and I was likely covered in the insurance on both. I knew I didn't have the money to register or insure my car since I no longer had a job and trying to find one didn't seem an easy thing since my driver license still showed me as male and I could only explain the last year and a half by telling the truth that I had been in prison, something I really didn't want to do.

I watched Marc place five, one hundred dollar bills on the table telling Kathy it was to help Niki get the car changed over to her and get insurance. That much money wouldn't last long, but maybe Niki would understand Marc and I were trying to lookout for her best interest, and it would encourage her to work hard to show our trust wasn't misplaced.

By the time we reached the car Niki was running toward us calling my name.

"Alex, I... I wanted to hate you... I wanted to blame you because dad said Kathy wasn't family anymore... I... thank you Alex, I love you," Niki gave me a hug burying her face in my shoulder.

"I love you too Niki, all I ever wanted was to be able to be me," I said.

How could I explain to my brothers and sisters that to me they were still family even though they no longer even saw me as human. The way Niki greeted me at the door I hadn't expected her to tell me she loved me giving me a hug. I now wondered if she at least considered me human. I didn't know if she would ever be able to accept me as a sister, but that didn't matter, I was at least a person now.

Marc and I didn't talk on the way home. Home; that had a wonderful sound to it, when did it become home? When did I first feel the connection I had with Marc? Would this feeling of right continue throughout our lives?

Marc pulled in the drive and turned off the car.

"Marc, I..." I wasn't sure what I wanted to say, only that I needed to somehow let this man know how I felt.

"It looks like your little sister is starting to accept you now, I wasn't sure that was even possible after how she answered the door," Marc said.

"Marc it was my family who said I was no longer family, not me. I can't not love any of them even if they do hate me now. I hope your family now, I can't help but think of you as family," I said.

"Alex when we first met I was just getting over the loss of my wife and daughter. I knew you needed me to help, if you were going to have any chance of surviving, but I didn't think I could ever love again. Now I can't remember not loving you, the thought scares me. When I thought I might lose you... I turned in my resignation. I'm no long with the FBI, because of what they did to you," Marc said.

"I guess we both need to see about finding a job then," I said.

"You only need to work if you want to, I can support you and give you most anything you want," Marc said.

"What about kids? You know I can't give you any, I wish I could, but nature didn't give me that ability," I said.

"Alex even if you could bear children I couldn't give you any other than through adoption," Marc said.

We walked out in the yard and he started pointing out different things until he came to what I thought was a barn. In the barn there were several stalls that looked well maintained. At the end opposite where we entered was a section set off with some rather fancy equipment I had no idea what it could be used for.

"Eric has something very similar over on his property now. Until he built his all the milking for both this farm and his was done here," Marc said.

"These are dairy farms?" I asked.

"At one time it was the largest dairy farm in the area. We had over three hundred cows and just as many goats," Marc said.

I wondered what happened to all the cows and goats.

"We also had several hundred head of horses. The last I heard Eric was the only one of us that stayed with the business, but if your interested we could probably get back into it. My sister took her inheritance, and my other brother died before mom and dad so the land that was left was split down the middle, along with the live stock. I might not be able to get Eric to let me have all the cows goats and horses that would have been mine, but even now if I asked I know he would be willing to give me enough to start again," Marc said.

"So when am I going to meet your brother and sister?" I asked.

"I'm not really sure, I invited Eric over for dinner and have no idea when or if he will accept," Marc said.

"Fair enough. So am I supposed to fix meals for the next week big enough to feed us and him?" I asked.

"I was thinking of grilling some steaks and if he shows up we can throw a couple more on the grill and if he doesn't we can stick whatever is left in the fridge for another time," Marc said.

"For the record I don't cook on a barbecue grill, every time I've tried it either came out raw, or burnt," I said.

He laughed letting me know he would never ask me to do something I knew I couldn't as long as I had at least tried before saying I couldn't.

He started getting the barbecue ready while I took a shower and changed into something a little more casual.

"I thought you hated wearing jeans," Marc said when I came out to join him.

"It depends on the jeans, if you notice these fit a lot better than what they wanted me to wear," I said.

"I can see that. Eric called while you were in the shower, he said he would be here in about an hour," Marc said.

So I was going to get to meet Eric without having to wait much longer. I hoped he was like Dave had been in being able to accept me. I knew nothing about how well he and Ellen had gotten along. I actually knew very little about Eric other than he was the one who kept the family dairy farm going.

I noticed we had potato salad and found some celery and carrots and cut them up to go with, fixing us some ranch dressing as a dip.

The door bell rang as I finished putting the celery and carrot sticks on ice and in the refrigerator.

I headed for the door and got there just ahead of Marc.

I opened the door and Marc welcomed his brother in the house.

"It's been a while Eric, I heard you were married now," Marc said.

"I heard that too," Eric replied. "When I got the message you invited us over I was a bit confused since I didn't know you were back. I heard about Ellen and Tammy and wondered if you wouldn't be returning, but that was about two years ago wasn't it?"

"I couldn't go back to that condo after they died, so instead got involved in a case working undercover. That case just wrapped up and I resigned for something they did, to try getting even more than they had," Marc said.

"I see, so who is this beautiful young lady?" Eric asked.

"Eric I'd like you to meet my fiancée Alexandra DeMay," Marc said.

Eric took my hand and kissed it. "It's a pleasure to meet you Eric," I said.

Eric introduced his husband, then Aaron and Marc went out to the grill leaving Eric and I alone.

"I've never been good on the grill," Eric said.

"I know the feeling, I think it's a guy thing, and I was never much of a guy," I said.

Eric gave me a dirty look, but didn't say anything.

We talked until Marc said the steaks were burnt enough. So we joined the men outside and sat around the fire-pit eating and having a good time.

Eric offered to help me clean up while Marc and Aaron went in the living room for whatever man talk they shared.

"Eric how much longer are you going to try hiding from the world?" I asked.

The look Eric gave me was priceless. It was obvious he was trying to hide who he is from me, and I somehow managed to see through the deception.

"I... I've never told anyone ever," Eric said.

"Are you afraid either Marc or Aaron won't be able to accept you if you tell?" I asked.

"After hearing what happened to you, and seeing how Ellen was treated... I'm not sure I could handle things like that. Alex I'm not as strong as you and Ellen," Eric said.

"Eric as long as you're honest with yourself what others might say, or do, isn't really that important. I tried to kill myself just before Marc was able to get me out of prison. The part no one wants to talk about is how alone it can get. I couldn't stop being me even without the hormones that have helped change my body thus far. I couldn't conceive of going back to life as it was before I started to show the real me. My father couldn't accept me for who I am and was able to convince others I killed his son, a son he never really had, because I was never a boy."

"If you want to continue hiding that's your choice, but wouldn't it feel better to finally be able to not need the lies, hiding makes necessary?" I asked.

"You really think Marc would understand?" Eric asked.

"Understand? No, I doubt Marc will ever understand, I don't think it's possible for anyone who hasn't gone through trying to live a lie about their gender can ever understand, but that doesn't mean he won't accept you and treat you like the person you are and should have always been," I said.

"You really think he would accept?" Eric asked.

"I would be more concerned about Aaron accepting, if I were you," I said.

"I know Aaron will accept, at home he calls me Erica and said he wishes I would be myself all the time," Eric said.

"How about we try something then? I probably have a dress here that will fit, or at least fit well enough. I should also have my old breast forms and a wig. I'm willing to help with makeup and hair, but only if your willing to give your brother a chance to meet the real you instead of the person you've always pretended to be," I said.

"You would... I'm not sure... what if he... Alex I'm scared, I've never dressed so anyone but me and Aaron has been able to see the girl I am," Eric said.

"The choice is yours Eric, I'm willing to help, but you're the one taking the risk of being accepted or rejected," I said.

I could see the fear in his eyes and hoped he would find the courage to finally accept who he is inside.

The dishes were cleaned up and put away, and Eric still hadn't said anymore about wanting to let Marc know his truth. I started out to the living room to join Marc and Aaron, and Eric stopped me.

"Alex, I... I don't want to hide anymore, at least not from the people who are important to me. I'm just afraid Marc won't... I..." Eric said and I turned around.

"Eric I can't promise Marc will accept, I do know if you don't tell him you'll never know," I said. "It's ok to be afraid, but unless you're willing to face your fear you'll never get past it. I can promise you'll have me fighting for you as long as you are true to yourself, and don't do anything to hurt me or those I love."

I went in the living room and cuddled up next to Marc, while Eric sat next to Aaron, and started whispering.

"You wouldn't have any idea what they're whispering about?" Marc asked.

"I have an idea, but it's only an idea. If it's what I suspect, it isn't my place to say anything," I said.

"So what do you think of my brother?" Marc asked.

"Can I tell you later? Marc I have a feeling tonight things are going to change, and I hope we can all be able to accept the changes," I said. "I need to go and see if I can find some things I had before. You did say Kathy and mom gave you everything?" I asked.

"Everything from your apartment, at least that's what they said," Marc said.

"Your welcome to help me look, but I can't tell you why I need the items, at least not yet," I said.

"I think I know the items and I think I know why. Eric is family, and that will never change. I just hope he can finally find what will make him the happiest," Marc said.

I went in the bedroom and started looking where Marc said he thought the breast forms were and didn't find them, rather than spending a lot of time looking I started looking through the dresses I had and found one that was supposed to be a one size fits all that looked great on the hanger but horrid when I tried it on. I laid it on the bed hoping it would fit Erica better than it did me and found a pair of shoes I didn't remember that definitely were something I wouldn't have bought.

With the shoes I knew weren't mine sitting on the floor by the bed and the dress draped on the bed I again started looking for the breast forms, only this time in my dresser. I noticed a bra I had bought when I first started dressing that was overly big in the band size but not the cup size and spotted the breast forms in the back of the drawer.

"Mind if I come in so we can talk," Aaron said knocking on the door.

"No, I don't mind, but please don't shut the door," I said.

Aaron came in and took a seat on the bed where he could watch me going through the closet and dresser.

"You really think it's a good idea to encourage Eric?" Aaron asked.

"I'm not sure what you mean. Eric asked me about being true to self and I gave the only answer I know," I said.

"I know Eric wishes he were female, and at home I'm willing to humor that wish, but we have an understanding that it's at home where he doesn't need to worry about people thinking him insane," Aaron said.

"So you think I'm insane because I choose to live openly as who I know I am?" I asked.

"I didn't say that. Alex, I can fully understand wanting to be yourself, but I also know Eric doesn't have the same strength of character you seem to. I know he could never have survived what was done to you," Aaron said.

"For the record Aaron, I almost didn't survive. I thought I had been abandoned by everyone, and tried to take my own life rather than continue living as a caged animal. By all rights if the guards had followed standard procedure I would be dead," I said.

"I just don't want to see Eric get hurt," Aaron said.

"And you think by hiding who she is from the world will keep that from happening. What if instead of keeping her from getting hurt it's actually hurting her even more? Is it really her your trying to protect or yourself? I know you think of yourself as homosexual, but if Eric is really Erica that would put you in a heterosexual relationship, and I think that scares you," I said.

"I just want what's best for Eric," Aaron stated emphatically.

"As do I, Aaron. I know Marc loves Eric and will fight as fiercely to protect Eric as he will me, but he also understands that he isn't able to protect anyone from everything. I know he blames himself at least a little for what happened that took me that close to committing suicide," I said.

"So you don't think I can protect her?" Aaron asked.

"Protect her? Perhaps you can, but not from everything. As long as Erica can't be herself fully she will never know the joy life can offer, she will always be hiding. While that may seem safer it isn't much of a life. She'll never be able to love fully, until she can learn to be comfortable in her own skin," I said.

"And you think I'm standing in the way?" Aaron asked.

"No Aaron, not in the way, but you aren't helping Erica know who she is as a person fully, because you haven't let her know you love her unconditionally," I said.

He looked at me like I didn't know what I was talking about. He did love Eric unconditionally, or at least he thought he did. But what if I was right? What if he had withheld his love on some condition he wasn't even aware of? Was he unknowingly setting conditions, or at least doing something that appeared to be conditions? Suggesting Eric not let the rest of the world know her secret wasn't a condition, it was simply meant to protect her from all the mean small minded people who seemed to insist on making everyones business their own and condemn them because they lived differently.

Aaron's expression changed as he gained understand that appearance can seem like conditions when it comes to love.

"I never thought of it that way before, I guess in a way your right, but it wasn't intentional," Aaron said.

"I know that Aaron, I think even Erica knows you only want her to be herself," I said.

Aaron went back in the living room with Marc and Eric while I finished finding what I thought we would need to do a makeover.

"Um... Alex?" Eric said coming in the bedroom.

"I'm sorry if I said something to Aaron I shouldn't have. If this is something you feel you can't do right now, I do understand, but I want to see what I have here so when your ready you can get an idea," I said.

"I'm not sure Aaron liked some of what you told him," Eric said.

I looked up from getting everything laid out.

"Erica, I'm not very nice about dealing with people who are supposed to be allies, but go out of their way to withhold support," I said.

The look in Erica's eyes told me all I needed to know about whether, or not this was the time for her to make her debut, at least in the privacy of Marc's home. She knew it was safe with me and I had a feeling Marc went over it with her letting her know he loved her for who she was, leaving the only wild card Aaron.

Would what I said to Aaron convince him, or would he still see Erica as a man? I didn't have a clue, and I doubted Erica knew either. I wasn't even sure Aaron knew the answer at the moment.

"Aaron said all he wants is for me to be safe and happy," Erica said.

I stood there not saying anything. Erica looked at what I had laid out on the bed, but didn't come any farther in the room.

"I've been doing some research and read a lot of horror stories about people who transition. Alex, between those stories and hearing what happened to you, I really am scared," Erica said.

"What happened to me shouldn't be a problem for you. It was my father who pressed the charges against me. I didn't have anyone willing to stand up for me at the time. Erica, you have people willing to fight for you something I didn't have. You have a support network I didn't. I thought I could count on the friends I had at the Pride Center and instead they stayed quiet. I won't stay quiet for someone trying to just be themselves. If you're scared take small steps. I can promise no one living in this house will abandon you, or make fun of you," I said.

She came in the room farther and started looking at the things I had on the bed a little closer.

"Aaron gave me something called a prosthetic for an anniversary present. According to the instructions that came with it it's supposed to be able to work as though it really is what should be there," Erica said.

"I know what they are, Dave, one of the guards in the jail before I was transferred out to the prison gave me one. I'd still be wearing it but it kind of got worn out," I said.

"Dave? You mean Ellen's brother Dave?" Erica asked.

"I guess, Marc did say he was his brother-in-law," I said.

Erica started touching things and before long had removed her shirt. It didn't take long and she had on the bra and breast forms, followed quickly by removing her jeans and underwear. The panties slid on and she had the dress ready to pull on over her head.

"I... I don't know if I'm ready for this, but I don't think I can just walk away any longer," Erica said. Tugging the dress down so it settled on her shoulders properly.

I smiled trying to reassure her I understood the conflict she was going through.

"Erica it would be best if we do your makeup before putting the wig on," I said.

I set out the new unused makeup I had with the intent of telling her it would be hers as I didn't share makeup.

Before I had a chance she asked if the eye liner and mascara were new since I removed them from their packaging.

"I haven't used them, and if you want them, they're yours, I don't share eye makeup," I said.

Another fifteen minutes and Erica was dressed and ready to make her debut. I went out ahead of her and noticed not just Marc, and Aaron sitting there, but also Kathy and her wife, along with Niki and mom.

I rolled my eyes hoping no one would notice, and tried to put on a smile.

"Is that anyway to greet visitors, Alexandra?" Mom asked.

"I didn't know you were here and wasn't ready yet, for more than Marc and Aaron," I said hoping it would be a good enough excuse.

"I guess we should have called before coming out, but since you didn't stay long when you stopped by Kathy's I kind of insisted. Alexandra, Niki told me what you did for her and how she treated you. I'm at a loss about you because I know I didn't teach you that kind of kindness, and I know your father doesn't have any kindness in him any longer," Mom said.

I signaled Erica to come out and heard everyone gasp when she stepped in the room far enough for everyone to see her. I hadn't really though about how beautiful Erica was since I had been busy helping her just let herself be who she was.

Marc and Aaron both stood as she entered, Aaron letting out a small whistle which made the smile on Erica grow even bigger.

Erica seemed to have a pose of years as a fashion model and I wondered if this really was her first time in front of others as herself.

Marc came over to me putting his arm around my shoulders and giving me a kiss.

"I don't think I've ever seen her so happy, you have a magical gift Alex, a gift of being able to bring out the best in others," Marc said.

"Marc, she has always been that beautiful, but because of what has been done to me and others she was terrified of letting anyone know the real her, and I can't say I blame her," I said.

## Chapter 5

Marc wanted to know if I wanted to renew my driver license with my right name since I hadn't been able to correct it before I went to jail.

"I do need to get that taken care of, but I don't feel it is, or should be a high priority right now. I think your sister is hoping I might go shopping with her so she can start working on building her wardrobe," I said.

"I was thinking of getting back into the family business," Marc said.

"I think you should, it will keep you busy and I would love to have time to try getting this place aired out and cleaned up," I said winking so he knew I was kidding about getting it cleaned up.

Marc called Erica to see if she wanted to go shopping with me and talked to her about helping with the farm. It seemed Aaron was the one actually running the farm, and Marc would need to talk to him about helping.

Erica would be over by nine o'clock so we could go shopping, so I started going through the clothes I had looking for something that wouldn't be hard to get in and out of. If I was going shopping I intended to look for things I liked as well as things for Erica. I was sure I didn't have the money to buy much, if anything, but I could still try on new things. Besides, if I found a business suit maybe it would make finding a job easier.

Marc gave me five hundred dollars and told me to have fun, when Erica and I were ready to leave.

"Marc, I can't take your money," I said trying to refuse the money he was handing me.

"Our money Alex. If your going to be my wife then what's mine is yours and I know you need new clothes," Marc said.

"Until we're married it's your money, isn't it enough your feeding and housing me for now?" I asked. "I feel like I... Marc, I want to earn my own way, to feel like I'm contributing."

I didn't know if he understood. He did insist I take the money and he wanted me to get at least one new outfit for myself. He said he was going to be gone most of the day so there was no rush in me getting back home.

Since I didn't have a driver license with the right name on it Erica drove and insisted on stopping at the driver license office first thing. I was in no rush to get the information on my driver license corrected, but she said she didn't feel she should be driving and since I had the court ordered name change already she would feel better if I drove.

In the driver license office it took very little time, but a lot of hassle changing the information on my license. They wanted to know why I let so much time pass from the time I got my name changed before I came in to get my identification corrected with my legal name. I didn't feel they needed to know I hadn't been able because it was only minutes after I changed my name I was arrested for a murder that never happened.

From the driver license office we headed for the mall where we started shopping. We walked through almost ever store looking at what they had, and I placed several applications. Every store willing to accept an application I filled one out. I didn't know if any of them would lead to anything, but it was a way of getting started back in society.

The last store we entered was one I worked at before and the manager recognized me and asked how everything was going.

"Everything is great," I said.

"I heard you had some trouble a while back," he said.

"I heard that too. Dennis I'm here with my future sister-in-law and... I was wondering if there were any chance you might be hiring?" I asked.

He didn't answer right away, so I started wondering if it was because of the trouble I had, or that when I worked here it was as Alexander.

"You'll need to fill out an application, but I know we do need the help and you were one of the best we had. The only openings I know of are in womens apparel, and it does appear you've learned about that kind of thing," Dennis said.

"So your saying I have a good chance of getting the job?" I asked.

"If I could Alex, I'd hire you right now no questions asked, but I know there are several other people hoping to get the few positions we have open," Dennis said.

"I guess since I have a one and a half year gap recently won't help will it?" I asked.

"So it is true, you did go to prison?" Dennis asked.

"I never broke the law, and definitely not in the way I was accused of doing," I said.

"Alex, I never heard anything other than you were sent to prison. As long as I've known you, I've never known you to do anything that could be deemed a violation of someones rights. You're likely the most honest caring person I've ever met," Dennis said.

"I was sent to prison for murder, the day my name change became legal, my father accused me of killing his son, and his religion backed him up. I didn't get a jury trial and had a kangaroo court hearing after which I was sentenced to life in prison. My fiancée was able to convince the President of my innocence and get me a Presidential pardon, getting me out of prison," I said.

I saw Maude and a couple others from the Pride Center walk in the store. They made a point of walking by me close enough I couldn't help over hearing what they said.

"That's the one I was telling you about, it somehow got out of prison after being rightfully sent there for killing someone," Maude said.

Everyone with her blanched at the thought just maybe Maude was telling the truth and I somehow managed to escape from prison.

"It sounds like you still have enemies," Dennis said.

"I made her look bad a few years ago and she never got over it," I said.

Both Dennis and Erica gave me a strange look.

"A couple years ago Maude and I got into a public debate about what makes a trans-woman, and trans-man. She insisted that all trans-women should be ultra feminine all the time, or they weren't real women, and trans-men should be hyper masculine, or they aren't real men. I said a person is what they say they are, because only the individual person can with any accuracy know who they are," I said.

"Do you even have a clue what prejudice is?" Erica asked.

"Of course I know what prejudice is!" I exclaimed. "What kind of silly question is that? Everyone has prejudices of some kind, I just work very hard to over come the prejudices I'm aware of having, and try very hard not to get mad if someone tells me about one I'm unaware of having."

"And someone saying they're a man or woman, but looking like opposite of what they say doesn't bother you?" Dennis asked.

"Why should it bother me? They're defining who they are, not who I am, therefore it's up to me to accept them for who they say they are, to do otherwise would show prejudice on my part," I said.

I had enough of the subject and wanted nothing more than to finish the shopping and go home to Marc where I knew it was safe.

Erica was still very interested in shopping and while I did want to get back home I didn't want to spoil her first outing as herself. I knew well the importance of first outings like this and while I wanted it to be a good experience for her I knew I wasn't ready to meet anymore of those like Maude, who thought I still belonged behind bars for some unknown reason.

Dennis offered to show Erica around the store seeing how hard this was for me and not really understanding.

"Dennis, keep in mind Erica is married, also this is her first time out as a woman," I said.

He stared at me like I had grown another head.

"You act like you don't believe me," I said.

"It's just..." Dennis stuttered.

"Has it really been that long since you and April helped me through my first outing?" I asked.

"It seems like forever ago," Dennis said.

Erica and Dennis headed into the store farther while I tried to find somewhere I could sit and think.

"Hello," someone said.

The voice sounded familiar, but at the moment I couldn't place it so ignored it. I wasn't in the mood to be sociable and it seemed that was what everyone expected me to be.

"Momma I know it's her," the voice I knew but didn't know said.

"Hunny I'm sure if that were Alex she would have said hello," a woman whose voice I knew said.

I looked up and there in front of me stood someone I hadn't seen in years.

"Hello Marvin," I said.

"See momma I told you it was Alex," Marvin said.

"Yes Marvin I'm Alex. Who is your friend?" I asked seeing someone I didn't know standing with Marvin and his mother.

"That's my girlfriend," Marvin said.

I looked at Mrs Everett for conformation.

"It's nice to see you Alex, Colleen is a foster Marvin likes," Mrs Everett said.

"I'm sorry if I seem a little out of sorts, things have been anything but good for me for the last year and a half," I said.

"I heard there was some trouble, but no one seemed to know just what," Mrs Everett said.

I didn't elaborate on what the trouble had been, it was something I wanted desperately to put behind me, yet seemed to come out every time I turned around.

"How about I say it should be over now and is something I'd rather not dwell on," I said, handing her a list of ways she could get a hold of me.

She smiled and let it drop.

"I notice you didn't put the Pride Center on this list of ways of getting a hold of you," Mrs Everett said.

"Because of the trouble I had, the Pride Center doesn't want anything to do with me any longer," I said.

"Would it be safe to say those bandages on your arms are because of the trouble?" Mrs Everett asked.

"Like I said the troubles of the last year plus are something I would love to move past," I said.

I noticed Colleen looking at my wrists and wondered how hard it was for her to not want to kill herself after what happened.

"Would it be possible for me to talk with Colleen for a little while alone?" I asked.

Mrs Everett looked from me to Colleen and back, before answering.

"Alex, Colleen is a mute, I'm sure she would love to share whatever you wish, but I'm afraid she can't share what happened with her. I don't think anyone knows the extent of what happened," Mrs Everett said.

"I think we'll be able to understand each other just fine," I said.

Mrs Everett shook her head and took Marvin's hand and headed into one of the stores close by.

Colleen sat down next to me and folded her hands into her lap.

"Mrs Everett said your a mute, I don't think that will stop us from talking though," I said.

She smiled, but never looked up as though by looking down she could hide from the abuse she suffered.

After a little while of me talking, asking questions I knew she couldn't answer if she could speak she reached over touching the bandages on my arms.

"I tried to kill myself," I said.

She finally looked up with tears in her eyes. She touched my wrists and shook her head as though not believing I would have done something like what I just said.

"I was sent to prison for killing the man I was once believed to be. The last few months I was there I was all alone, the person who had been there to protect me wasn't there any longer. The last two weeks I was in solitary confinement, supposedly for my safety. That two weeks seemed an eternity because no one visited or wrote me. In fact from the time the man who I had been with from the time I was sent to prison got out, I never had any contact from anyone out here. I felt so alone without any hope of ever being treated as anything but a caged animal, and that to me wasn't life," I said.

Colleen reached out touching my cheek. I saw the tears running down her cheeks and knew she understood better than most would think possible. She touched my chest over my heart, then touched her own chest.

"Colleen, I can't possibly know what you've been through, but I do know how it feels to be helpless and give up, wanting only release from the pain," I said.

She touched her head and reached out to my wrists, as though to say she too wished she had died. She smiled touching her heart and mine to show the connection we shared and let me know she was glad I hadn't succeeded in ending my life.

"I'm glad I didn't succeed as well," I said.

She sat next to me and laid her head on my shoulder wrapping her arms around me. I leaned my head over resting my cheek on top of her head and we sat there holding each other, a bond few could ever understand.

"Colleen, the people who hurt you, are they in jail?" I asked.

She sat back up and frowned. She shook her head in the negative and I felt a tear slide from my eyes.

She pointed at me as though to ask the same question.

"My father was the one who filed the charges against me, none of those who sent me to jail have been tried for the crimes they committed," I said.

She nodded and I saw another tear rolling down her cheek.

"I don't hate them, and have forgiven them for what they did, but I don't think I can ever trust any of them ever again," I said.

She shook her head to tell me she still hasn't been able to forgive those responsible, and wasn't sure she ever could.

"Forgiving someone doesn't relieve them of the responsibility for what they did, but it does release you from continuing to be tied to them," I said.

She shrugged not understanding.

"To forgive someone, is to release your right for justice... no that's isn't quite right. It is to release your need for revenge against a person. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting what the other person did, just that you no longer wish to be tied to that person through what was done," I said.

She looked up at me and smiled. I didn't know if she had forgiven the monsters who abused her before, but I knew she was on her way to forgiving them now.

She sat there not saying anything more. I had my arm wrapped around her shoulders and she had her head laying on my shoulder. This young lady needed hope and that was something neither of us had thought possible not that long ago.

"Alex?" Erica said.

"Shh, how was the store?" I asked.

"I found a couple dresses I really like and one I think you would look great in, though it might be a little shorter than you like," Erica said.

I nodded, knowing she had bought the dress and expected me to wear it some time in the near future.

"Dare I ask who this is?" Erica asked.

"A friend that needed some hope," I said.

"It looks like you gave her some," Erica said sitting down on the other side of me from Colleen.

We sat there not talking for what seemed another hour before Mrs Everett showed back up.

"How long has she been asleep?" Mrs Everett asked.

"I'm not really sure, we had a talk and she laid her head on my shoulder and was out," I said.

"She looks like she's sleeping peacefully, something she hasn't done since coming to live with me," Mrs Everett said.

"She just needed someone to talk to that could understand the depths of disrepair she's been through," I said.

Mrs Everett sat down next to Colleen and started rubbing her back gently. Colleen let out a soft moan then sat up looking at me and noticing Erica sitting next to me and hugged me tighter.

"It's alright Colleen. No one is going to hurt you," I said.

Colleen relaxed a little and sat up a little more looking around. She saw Mrs Everett and smiled turning more to her and I drew my arm back from around her shoulders.

"Alex is my girlfriend going to be better now?" Marvin asked.

"I think Colleen will be much better now Marvin. Can you be really nice to her like you have always been to me?" I asked.

After Mrs Everett left, Erica and I decided to get some lunch before doing anymore shopping. I didn't really care if we did anymore shopping, since shopping wasn't something I enjoyed, but seeing the light in Erica's eyes did make it better than most of my shopping trips had been.

Erica insisted on showing me the dress she bought for me and even suggested I try it on while we sat in the restaurant waiting for our meal to be served. I picked up the bag with the dress and headed for the womens room getting stopped just before entering.

"Only women are allowed in there," someone said.

I turned and saw someone from high school looking at me as though to challenge my being a woman.

"And what makes you think I'm not a woman?" I asked.

"You're Alex DeMay aren't you?" they asked.

"Yes, I'm Alexandra Kate DeMay, is that a problem?" I asked.

"You have a twin sister named Andrea DeMay?" they asked.

"Not exactly, no. My twin sisters name is Andrea Kathrine DeMay," I said.

"Then your name is Alexander Kevin DeMay not Alexandra Kate DeMay," they said.

"I'm sorry, but Alexander Kevin DeMay never existed, I should know after all I was charged with his murder and even spent a year and a half in prison for it. Now unless you want to find out if I have what it takes to use the proper restroom for my gender I suggest you keep your prejudiced, bigoted noise out of my life, and learn a few manners," I said as Kathy walked in the restaurant.

"Alex, are you here alone," Kathy asked.

"Erica is holding a table for us. She bought me a dress and wants me to try it on, which is what I was about to do before buttfaced Bart here decided to stick his noise in my business," I said.

Kathy went in the womans restroom with me and turned before the door closed sticking her tongue out at Bart as if to tell him he was still an ass.

After the door closed she helped me with the zipper in the back of the dress I was wearing and stood back as I finished taking it off.

"How do you hide it like that," Kathy asked.

I gave her a strange look trying to figure out what she was talking about, when it dawned on me what she meant.

"I'm wearing what's called a prosthetic, I've been wearing one for so long now I don't even think about it," I said.

I pulled on the dress Erica bought me and pulled it down so the straps at the shoulder sat comfortably. It hugged my breasts tighter than I was used to, but didn't feel confining. The skirt was shorter than I would have liked, but not as short as some of the dresses I had worn while locked in prison. I looked at the shoes I was wearing and decided if I was going to wear this dress I needed to get some boots that would go with it better than any of the shoes I had.

Kathy started taking the tags off the dress and picked up the dress I had been wearing insisting I wear the new dress since it showed enough cleavage it was obvious I wasn't wearing breast forms.

"Kathy to wear this dress I need shoes, these shoes look horrid," I said.

"Those shoes don't look that bad, and that dress looks a hell of a lot better than the rag you were wearing," Kathy said.

I stuck my tongue out at her and we headed back out to the table where Erica was sitting.

When we exited the restroom we were met by the manager of the restaurant, who wanted to know if we had seen a man in the restroom while we were in there. Kathy gave him a look of horror at the thought some man might try entering a womens only area, and I let them know we hadn't seen anyone else in the restroom while we were in there.

As we walked past the table Bart was at I stopped and leaned in close enough only he would be able to hear what I said.

"I don't know what your game is butthead, but if you think you're going to get me in trouble you need to understand I have ways of turning the tables on those who think they can get the better of me. You might win in the short run, but the war isn't made from a single battle and my father and his cronies are about to learn the cost of trying to ignore the laws and deny someone their human rights. If I were you I'd do everything I could to over come my prejudices and learn all I can to rise above the religious bigotry you practice," I said.

He gave me a look of terror that spoke volumes. It was obvious he knew about what my father had done, and also knew about the trouble my father and his crones were in, for what they had done.

I joined Erica and Kathy at the table sliding into the booth I had been in when we first sat down.

"That look on Bart's face was one I haven't seen since high school. You didn't threaten him again did you?" Kathy asked.

"I've never threatened him, but I did let him know if he doesn't get over his prejudice and bigotry he could end up in the same kind of trouble dad's in," I said.

"It's all over the old neighborhood the trouble dad's in, and why he's in it," Kathy said.

Kathy ordered something to eat and Erica and I started on our food as soon as it was brought out. After we were finished we waited for Kathy to finish and headed for another shopping mall since I hated the shoes I was wearing with the dress I was now wearing.

The first store we went to was one that specialized in womens boots. In the window I saw a pair of knee high boots I loved and hoped to try on. Inside we took a seat and one of the sales clerks came over to assist us.

The sales clerk first tried to assist Kathy, and when she said she didn't need help turned to Erica and got the same response. Without asking if I needed help the clerk got up and went to assist someone else.

I looked at Kathy and Erica and stood up to try finding someone else to help.

"There isn't anyone here that will help you," the sales clerk said.

"And why is that? What have I done that you would so openly discriminate against me?" I asked.

"What have you done? How can you asked a question like that Alexandra DeMay?" they asked.

"I can ask the question very easily, since I haven't got a clue who you are, or what I might have done," I said.

"You really don't remember me do you?" they asked.

"Is there any reason I should?" I asked.

"You told my sister that she was wrong, that not all trans-women need to be girly types," they said.

"Your sister is Maude, then?" I asked.

"Yes, Maude is my sister," they said.

"I didn't set out to make Maude look bad, she did that on her own. It was an open debate in a group meeting I was moderating and she told several of the trans-people in the group they were deluding themselves because they just wanted to be themselves, I showed solid facts about why Maude was wrong and spent the next several weeks working with the people in that meeting to help them understand whoever they were was who they should be," I said.

"Who made you the authority on the subject?" they asked.

"I could turn that question around. I never claimed to be an authority on anything, but I learned that no one has the right to tell someone else who they are, or who they should love," I said.

"That isn't the way I heard it," they said.

I didn't doubt it wasn't the way they heard it, but it was the way it happened. Maude stood in that group meeting and told almost everyone of the people there they could never be their true selves because they either weren't feminine, or masculine, enough to pass. She then went on to say in order to be a trans-woman you had to be interested in men, and for trans-men they had to be interested in woman. For every argument Maude raised I countered with fact that an individual was the only person qualified to tell someone who they were, or who they could, or should, love.

I started for the door rather than fight a battle I had no chance of winning. If this person wanted to believe I deliberately set out to hurt someone on the basis of one persons word, there was little I could do to change their mind, and at the moment I didn't care to even try.

"Please, I only ever heard Maude's version of what happened backed by a few of Maude's friends, most of whom I wouldn't trust if my life depended on it," the sales clerk said.

I shook my head not sure I understood what was said. This person claimed to be Maude's sister and it sounded like they didn't trust Maude for some reason.

"What is it you want from me? You knew who I am, and it seems you back Maude's version of what happened. Now all of a sudden you seem to... I'm not sure what, but I don't want, or need, games of someone trying to pit me against someone else," I said flustered.

"Maude is my sister and yes, until now I wanted to hate you because of what I heard about you. Maude pointed you out which is why I knew who you are," they said.

Kathy reached up taking my hand pulling me back into the chair I had been in.

"Maude didn't disown me, but refuses to accept choices I've made, choices of who I love, as she sees it. I've never met anyone before who dared stand up to her. She told me about a year ago you got what you deserved for what you did to her and said you wouldn't be in a position to ever cause problems like that again. Alex I..." they stopped mid-thought.

I saw the name tag finally and looked them in the eye.

"Jean, I was arrested, tried, and convicted of murdering someone that it wasn't possible for me to have murdered. I spent the last year and a half in prison for a crime that never happened, and Maude played a role in me being convicted of that crime. I don't hate Maude, but like everyone else involved in what was done I doubt I will ever trust any of them ever again," I said.

"Maude said she testified against a murderer," Jean said.

"I was convicted of murdering Alexander Kevin DeMay, my name is Alexandra Kate DeMay, do you see how impossible it was for me to have committed that murder?" I asked.

Jean looked from me to Kathy and back.

"You two are sisters aren't you?" Jean asked.

"Twin sisters," Kathy said.

"I'm transgender Jean," I said.

"But that means..." Jean started and trailed off.

"The day my name change went through the courts I was arrested for the murder of myself. I didn't even have time to change any of my documentation, after seeing the judge before I was arrested," I said.

Erica told her what boots we were interested in and Jean disappeared in a back room returning a short time later carrying several boxes.

"I'm afraid we don't have the boots you wanted in your size, but I did find some not on display in your size I think will look even better with the dress your wearing," Jean said, setting down the boxes and taking a seat across from me.

When she opened the first box I wanted to give her a big hug, it was virtually the same boot as in the window, but instead of being knee high was thigh high. The top of the boot looked like it would come just below the hem of the skirt, the only thing I didn't really like was it also had a four inch stiletto heel that would take some getting use too.

The zipper on the boot went all the way from the top down to the ankle but when done up was almost invisible. I kicked off the shoes I was wearing, and as my foot slid in the boot and was zipped in. The boot felt so wonderful I no longer cared about the hight of the heel, or how skinny it was. I wanted these boots and knew they would look great with several other outfits I had.

I insisted on trying on the other boot and walking around before even looking at any of the other boxes Jean brought out.

When I sat back in my chair I refused to take off the boots before Jean opened the next box to reveal another pair of boots I instantly feel in love with. The first pair was the pair I wanted for now, but I knew I was going to own both pairs before we left the store. The other boxes Jean had would have been ok if the first two wouldn't have been available, but in comparison they were cheap copies of the first two pair.

I hadn't planned on spending any of the money Marc had insisted on me taking, but here I was buying two pairs of boots that cost almost the entire amount he had given me. What would he say when we got back to the house with me wearing a new dress that was almost as short as the dresses I had worn while in prison, and new boots that many would consider slut wear, and cost almost as much as he had given me, telling me to spend it on myself?

"..., Alex?" Kathy asked.

I looked around not sure what was said or by who, I only heard my name and wasn't even sure of that.

"Huh?" I asked.

"I asked if you intended to buy those boots," Kathy asked.

Those boots? What boots? Where was I?

I looked around again and realized I was sitting in a shoe store. I looked at the boots I was wearing and everything came flooding back.

"Yes, yes, I do intend to get these boots and the other pair though those bottom three boxes I didn't really care for," I said.

I didn't know what was going on, why I had gotten so lost in my thoughts, but I didn't dare do much of anything but go home.

I needed to talk to Marc and find out if he knew anything about what was going on.

"Erica did you want to do anymore shopping?" I asked.

Kathy gave me a look of real concern. She knew something happened, that I had blacked out to the world around me into a little world of my own.

"Alex I think maybe I should take you home," Kathy said.

"Home?" I asked.

"Erica can you handle driving yourself from here?" Kathy asked.

Everyone was looking at me as though something was wrong, and it made no sense to me.

"Sure, I'll call and see if Marc is home yet and let him know you'll be bringing her home," Erica said.

Marc? Home? No that wasn't right. Marc was at work, and I needed to talk to him about a case he was working on. I needed to let him know the details of who all was involved and how.

Kathy took my purse and took out the money Marc had given me so she could pay for the boots I said I wanted.

"Alex, everything is going to be alright, but I need you to let me drive," Kathy said.

"But you don't know where we're going. Alex I need to talk to John about a case he's working on," I said.

"I don't understand Alex, according to Erica, Marc is at home and will be waiting for us when we get there," Kathy said.

No! He should be in the office at this time of day. Today was a work day and he promised he would be in town, he didn't have to leave for that meeting in DC for another week.

I looked at the person trying to tell me he was at home and recognized her, but something about her wasn't right. Why did she keep calling me Alex? She was Alex wasn't she? Alex DeMay one of the top people at the Pride Center. I still remembered the first time we met. I stopped in because John insisted and was sure it would be something to keep me busy. I walked in and there Alex was greeting anyone who came through the door. A beautiful smile and so polite.

I was sure she was a lesbian, no one who looked as beautiful as her could possibly be trans could they. Sure I had several people tell me they never would have known if they hadn't been told, but compared to Alex I stood out like a sore thumb.

I pulled down the visor so I could look in the mirror and again saw Alex staring back at me. There was some trouble. Alex said she was going to court to finally get her name changed and she would be back in a couple hours. Jeff came in a couple hours later and said Alex had been arrested, but he didn't know why.

Maude came in a short time later and started going through her usual complaining about how unfair everything was. She didn't understand why Jeff called her to see if she could come in, after all it was Alex's day to work and she always knew Alex wasn't someone that could be trusted let alone counted on.

I told her if she didn't want to be there to go I'd fill in until Jeff could find someone else who wouldn't be so inconvenienced because someone they didn't like wasn't able to be there because something happened making it impossible.

Maude asked when it was John would be gone to his meeting in DC. When I told her she smiled and nodded. I knew she liked me almost as much as she did Alex, but never suspected she could be as cruel as she turned out to be. Over the next few days I over heard her talking to some of her friends saying something about all those want-a-bes soon getting theirs. Before long she wouldn't have any of the old staff except Jeff to worry about and she new she could control him easily enough once the others were out of the way.

"Alex I need to talk to my husband is there any chance..." I stopped mid sentence looking at Alex and seeing confusion in her eyes.

"Alex what are you talking about," Kathy said.

"Why do you keep calling me Alex?" I asked. "My name is Ellen, my husband is John Adleson, he works for the FBI."

"I want you to sit back and relax sis, I'll have you home to Marc in about ten minutes," Kathy said.

"You don't understand he's at work in the federal building. Please Alex, it's important I get there as soon as possible," I said.

She pulled in the drive to the old farm house John received as an inheritance from his parents, and I wanted to scream. John promised me he'd never ask me to live out here, and what about Tammy, she should be getting out of school before long and didn't have a key to the condo. If I was out here how would I let her know...

"Kathy what's going on? Where is Erica? Why are you bringing me home?" I asked.

"It's nice to have you back finally. Alex, I don't know what happened, but you've been calling me Alex and even said your name was Ellen," Kathy said.

The memories were still there, all of them, still there where I could easily pull them up. Something about Maude on the phone at the Pride Center. I hadn't known I knew Marc until we met in jail, but I did know Ellen, though I hadn't known she was Marc's wife.

As soon as Kathy was parked I opened the door and ran to the house calling for Marc.

The front door opened as I reached it and Marc was standing there big as life.

"Marc we need to get a copy of phone records from the Pride Center from a week before you went to DC to the time of Ellen's murder," I said.

"I don't understand Alex, what could possibly be in those records?" Marc asked.

"They never found out who planned the murder of Ellen and Tammy did they? The proof of who was behind it is in those records," I said.

"You mean to tell me someone at the Pride Center was involved?" Marc asked.

"Marc every call going in or out of the Pride Center is recorded off site. Jeff knew it, as did Ellen and myself. We were the only three people who worked there who knew," I said.

"Alex I don't understand," Marc said again.

"Marc, humor her, please, maybe then what happened from the mall to here will make sense," Kathy said.

Marc made a phone call asking the phone records including the recordings covering the time I asked, be seized and checked for anything that might be linked to my arrest or Ellen's murder.

Kathy said she wanted to know what was going on as soon as possible since she was freaked out by what happened on the way home from the mall.

Marc got word the records and audio tapes had been seized, and two teams were going over them looking for any information they might contain in regard to either Ellen's murder or my arrest.

After that call I stood next to Marc hoping he would share something, anything about what was going on.

"There's no point in getting your hopes up just yet," Marc said.

"I know that dear, I was just hoping there might have been more already," I said.

He placed his finger under my chin tilting my head back a little so he could look more directly in my eyes.

"Are you alright Alex?" Marc asked.

I smiled at the thought he might think I was as beautiful as Alex, enough so he got me confused with her.

"I'm fine dear, but I'm not Alex. I am flattered you would think I could be as beautiful as she is," I said.

He looked deeper in my eyes and shook his head.

"I take it you finally met Alex?" I asked.

He shook his head again, moving his hand and sitting down.

"Alex, why? Why are you doing this? Don't you understand how hard it is for me still?" Marc asked.

I sat in the chair across from him, no idea what he was talking about.

"John I don't understand, why are you calling me Alex, I thought you of all people would know me," I said.

"I'm calling you Alex because that's your name. You aren't Ellen you can't be. Ellen died more than a year ago, when someone broke in the house and raped and murdered both her and my daughter Tammy. Please Alex, I don't think I can take going through that again," Marc said tears running down his cheeks.

Alex had a court date for her name change and would be back as soon as she could. Jeff came in with a long face saying she had been arrested, but no further details. Maude sitting in the office shared by all the staff at the Pride Center talking on the phone about who knew what, other than it wasn't Pride Center business, or at least the part I over heard didn't sound like Pride Center business.

The call was the day Alex was arrested and shouldn't take long to find. I looked around the office not sure if I could continue without Alex there. So many of the others there treated me the way I had been treated before John came into my life, and gave me the hope I was someone of worth.

"Marc she loved you so much, until you she didn't care if she lived or died, and wondered if death wouldn't have been a better choice than life," I said.

"Who Alex? Who are you talking about?" Marc asked.

"Take your pick. Alex was looking at life in prison with no hope of ever getting out and knowing her future held nothing but rape and torture, you gave her hope that maybe she was worthy of love and compassion. I had all but given up hope until the day we met and you told me how beautiful I was, how you wanted only to be able to let me know you cared, and believed in me," I said.

"Ellen? I... Alex?" Marc stuttered.

"I remember the day Ellen and I met. I was working the desk at the Pride Center when she walked in. She was so beautiful and unsure of herself. Sure only of the man who gave her life meaning. We went in my office and talked for what seemed ten minutes, but turned out to be several hours."

"She told me the story of her family kicking her out on the street and what she had to do to survive. I felt a connection with her I had never felt with anyone before, a kinship, like she was telling my story only I never worked the streets."

"She told me about a man she almost overlooked because he was some kind of cop, and to that point in her life cops only meant trouble. It turned out this cop was different though, this cop was more like the man she hoped her brother was, a man who accepted her as a woman from the start, and treated her as someone of exceptional worth."

"Because of him she started caring and learned to love and accept she was worthy of being loved."

"I never learned the name of this man she so admired, admired enough she married him and did the best she could to be a great wife and mother. I didn't know much of anything about him because whoever he was he had saved her life and that to me was all that mattered. We became friends, the kind that look out for each other, but not the kind that knows all the details of each other."

"When I went to court that day to change my name she filled in for me at the Pride Center. She was so happy for me that I would finally have the name I felt certain was the name I should have had from birth. When I was arrested I knew she would worry about me, but I had no way of contacting her to let her know what was going on. When I was arrested I hoped she would find strength in her man to know she was still someone of great worth and deserving of love."

"Marc, from the day Ellen walked in the Pride Center she was my family. She was the one person in this world who treated me as an equal in every way," I said.

## Chapter 6

We spent the remainder of the night talking telling each other stories of our youth and sharing what we knew about Ellen.

Marc made a comment about the dress I came home in along with the boots. He said the outfit reminded him of the day he met Ellen, when she was still working the street just trying to survive.

He said that was what drew him to me, I seemed so much like his Ellen only more innocent in a way he didn't understand.

The day we met in jail I had just been given the first dress the guards thought I should wear. The dress was something I was sure only a prostitute would wear in public, but it was better than the jumpsuit everyone else wore, at least in my opinion.

At eight o'clock in the morning we got a phone call from the local FBI office asking if we could come in, they thought they found something, and if it proved out, it was bigger than anyone could have imagined.

We arrived at the FBI office at ten and were escorted to the local directors office.

"It's good to see you Marc, I'm guessing this beautiful young lady is the reason I received your resignation," the local director said as we entered.

"Glen I won't be coming back whether you accept my resignation or not. After the way the bureau treated Alex, I want no part of it any longer. The real kicker is the evidence you're looking at now is courtesy of her knowledge of where the evidence came from," Marc said.

"I understand and do appreciate her help in this. No doubt she knows, or can identify several of the people on the tapes from their voice," Glen said.

"Without hearing the tapes I can't identify anyone on those tapes, but if any of them are from before I was arrested my voice is likely on them somewhere, and I have no doubt Ellen, and possibly Tammy's voices are on some of them," I said.

"You knew Marc's late wife?" Glen asked.

"We worked together at the Pride Center, there were only three people that worked there who knew all incoming and outgoing calls were recorded, Ellen and I were two of them, Jeff the center director was the third," I said.

"Only the three of you knew about the recordings?" Glen asked.

"The system was set up when there was only Jeff and I at the center, to the best of my knowledge Jeff never told anyone about it and I only ever told Ellen about it," I said.

He nodded his head and started the first tape he wanted me to identify voices from.

The tape started with Jeff talking to Ellen about coming in to help out while I was in court to get my name changed. From there I was talking to some people hoping to find information about the Pride Fest and what if anything they could do to help.

He stopped the tape and fast forwarded it skipping to the time I actually left for court. I was on a call and because I needed to go I placed the call on hold and Ellen took over the call. You could hear me telling Ellen to have fun and the door shutting as I left.

"That was the last call we found with you on the tape," Glen said.

"I never made it back to the Pride Center until the day after I was released from the hospital," I said.

He started the tape again and this time it was Maude talking with someone I didn't know. I let Glen know I had no idea who the mans voice belonged to, but the womans voice was Maude Gresham, a woman that came to the Pride Center about the same time Ellen had. I didn't want to say anything bad about Maude, but it didn't take long in the conversation and I knew I wouldn't need to.

"She should be at the courthouse by now, if you want to put your plan in motion, now would be the time," I heard Maude say on the tape.

"We can't do anything until the son-of-a-bitch gets out of the courtroom he's in. you're sure it's to change his name?" the male voice I didn't know asked.

"If you wait until that bitch gets out of that courtroom she'll have a new name and it might be harder to do anything," Maude said.

"We want Alex out-of-the-way forever, not just long enough to make bail. If Alex changes his name we'll have charges that can do that," the man said.

"And what about the other one?" Maude asked.

"Do you know where he lives?" the man asked.

"I can get you the address but if you think about trying anything until next week you'll have to deal with her husband," Maude said.

I saw Marc blanch as he figured out who they were talking about.

About the same time Marc paled the name of the man came to me and I felt just as sick as Marc looked.

"Alex?" Glen said a worried look on his face.

"The man is my oldest brother, David Adam DeMay Jr, I had some trouble putting a face to the voice," I said.

Glen nodded as though he understood I hadn't had any dealings with anyone in my family aside from Kathy and mom in years.

"We'll have both of these people picked up so we can get control recordings of their voices to match to this. Alex there are several more voices on these tapes but this conversation is the easiest to link to, both what happened to you, and what happened to Ellen and Tammy. With any luck one of them will give us the names of others involved so you won't need to be put through this any further," Glen said.

"For the record I don't hate any of these people and have forgiven them for what they did to me, but that forgiveness is strictly a personal forgiveness and doesn't mean I don't want them brought to justice. If you need my help don't hesitate, but don't ask me to volunteer for anything like what I went through again, it won't happen even if it means someone gets away," I said.

"The decision to not let you know what was going on didn't come from this office, and if Washington asked us to talk to you about something like that again, like Marc they would have my resignation," Glen said.

Marc and I were free to go and Glen hoped he would be able to get either Maude or my brother to talk and give any other names and evidence to make sure they were all put away where they could no longer harm others the way they had Marc and I.

Hearing the conversation between Maude and my brother the day of my name change left me feeling cold. It wasn't just me they were out to destroy, they were after Ellen as well and I felt responsible since I was the one who brought her in to help at the Pride Center.

"Marc I need to talk to Jeff," I said.

"How can you want anything to do with any of those people after what they did to you?" Marc asked.

"I didn't say I wanted anything to do with them, I said I need to talk to Jeff. I need to know how much he knew," I said.

It was obvious Marc didn't like the idea of going to the Pride Center, and I didn't blame him after the way they treated me since I got out of jail, and now learning it was some of the people working there who set me up and helped arrange the murder of Ellen.

We pulled up in front of the Center just in time to see Maude being escorted out in handcuffs by four police officers.

I didn't wait for the police to leave, nor for Marc to walk around the car to open my door for me. As soon as Marc put the car in park I was out and on my way in the Pride Center to get the answers I felt I needed.

There was an officer standing at the door when I got to it looking at me like he was going to challenge me if I tried to enter.

I pulled the door open and stepped inside to see a half dozen more police officers searching throughout the building.

"This place is closed Miss," an officer said when I didn't go in any farther than the front lobby.

I gave him a look I hoped he would understand to be full of disgust and contempt. He stepped back and I headed for Jeff's office hoping to finally get some answers.

"Alex! They just took Maude and several of her supporters out of here in handcuffs," Jeff said.

"I saw," I said.

"What's going on here Alex?" Jeff asked.

"Why don't you tell me Jeff," I said.

"I don't have a clue, thus my asking you. Did you know all our phone records from the time you were arrested to present have been taken as evidence, even the recordings only you Ellen and I knew about," Jeff said.

"How much did you know about what Maude was doing?" I asked.

"Enough to know I didn't like most of it. Alex I hate to say it, but you and Ellen were the only ones able to stand up to her and her followers, even Kathy couldn't stand up to her," Jeff said.

"Tell me who makes up the board now," I said.

"The board hasn't changed. When Ellen was killed it left me and Kathy as the only members of the board and you know as well as I do Kathy never took an active part in anything around here," Jeff said.

"So you're saying I'm still the chairman of the board?" I asked.

"After you were arrested and sentenced and Ellen was killed Maude pretty much took over everything, I was more a token than anything. I didn't dare oppose her because I was afraid someone might try killing me if I did," Jeff said.

"So you would rather surrender your values than fight and possibly die or worse for those values? Jeff if that's the case I'm going to have to ask for your resignation. This organization was supposed to have been built on equality and freedom. The three of us said we would never let anyone, or anything change that, and it seems you and Kathy have both done just that," I said.

"So your asking for Kathy's resignation as well?" Jeff asked.

"If she isn't willing to step in and help, then yes, I will be asking for her resignation as well. I would rather see this place closed than see what has been happening here continue, and knowing the people in a position to stop it are sitting by doing nothing," I said.

I walked in the office that had been mine and wanted to turn around and leave. Nothing in the office was how it had been and most of what was there was inappropriate for the kind of work that was supposed to have been done there. Rather than leaving I walked around the desk and sat in the chair that had been mine.

Marc followed me in the office and sat in the only other chair in the office.

"I'm guessing this was your office?" Marc asked.

"It was, but I doubt I'll ever be able to make it mine again. Marc, I asked for Jeff's resignation, and the only other board member left is my sister Kathy, who after helping get the Center going stepped back hoping to keep the rest of the family from finding out her secret. At that time all my families wrath was aimed at me and she was able to stay out of the trouble," I said.

I picked up the phone to call Kathy and noticed all the lines on hold.

I had no idea the order the calls came in but, figured it really didn't matter I needed to free up the lines if I wanted to call Kathy.

"Pride Center this is Alex may I help you," I said taking the first line.

I heard someone cuss and the line went dead. The next line was someone wanting to know about the Pride Fest that had taken place in previous years and when or if it would be held again this year.

I got their information and told them I would let them know as soon as I knew, but at the moment I doubted it would happen unless someone else could sponsor it and arrange the various booths and events.

The next line was someone looking for resources they said to help a dear friend. I suggested they have their friend call, but if possible to allow me a few days to get settled since I had been gone for over a year.

With the lines all cleared I called Kathy's home hoping she or her wife would be there, and if Niki was the one who answered she would be willing to let Kathy know I needed to talk to her as soon as possible.

"Hello you have..." Kathy's answering machine started. "This is Kathy, Jeff I really hope this is important you know I've been inactive for years," Kathy said.

"I feel it is important, but I'm not Jeff. I need to know if you're willing to help out, or I need to ask for your resignation the way I did Jeff's?" I asked.

"Alex? I don't think I understand. I thought when you went to prison Jeff called a meeting and new board members were set in place," Kathy said.

"I thought that would have happened as well, but it seems I'm still the CEO and you and Jeff were the only other members of the board left," I said.

"I can't come in today, but I'll do what I can tomorrow, will ten o'clock be good enough?" Kathy asked.

"That should be fine," I said.

Still so much to do just to find out what had been done in the time I had been gone.

I knew Marc wanted to head home, or at least for something to eat, but I felt I needed to stay and do what I could to get the Center back on track from the shambles it had become in my absence.

"Marc I... I feel I need to stay here and see about getting some of the mess this place has become straightened up. I promise I won't stay later than five if you want to stop back to get me," I said.

"I was hoping to take you shopping since you only got the one dress yesterday," Marc said.

"I wish I could, but there is so much to do here. I need to see if there is any way of getting the Pride Fest organized for this year and try to figure out where the Center has failed in its mission to support all the LGBTQI. Over the next week I will be looking at setting up a new board of directors and trying to get all the volunteers we have qualified and lined out on what they should be doing. I need to find out what the financial situation is for the Center and more than likely work on trying to get donations back up where they should be. At the moment I haven't even got a clue where the Center stands on the work of getting equality for the LGBTQI community. You see Marc those are all things I did before I was arrested and sent to prison for a crime that never happened," I tried to explain.

"You can't do it all in one day Alex," Marc said.

"You're right I can't, but the sooner I get started the less time it will take. Marc if you feel I need more clothes I'm sure one of my sister would love to help. I don't know Kathy's schedule, but if Niki is out of school I know she would love to go and is about the same size I am. Promise to get something for her and she would likely love you forever," I said.

"In other words you don't want to go shopping?" Marc asked.

"I really don't like going shopping, when I first started transition I thought it was something I would learn to like, but other than getting what I need it has never been something I've enjoyed," I said.

"You really think Niki would be willing, I noticed how she treated you," Marc said.

"She was afraid I would take my car away from her leaving her with no way of getting around. I think she understands now, that all I really want is for her to be herself, something she was never allowed when my father and oldest brother were around," I said.

"You wouldn't care to elaborate on that would you?" Marc asked.

"You'll need to ask her. I know Kathy and Jessica were abused simply because of their being female. I know they left me alone because I was supposed to have been male, and when I came out as female I was old enough to be out on my own so they disowned me instead," I said.

"I guess I could take Niki shopping and see if she's willing talk about it. Alex, why didn't any of you ever say anything?" Marc asked.

"And just what were we supposed to say? I got sent to prison, with a sentence of life without parole for a crime that never happened by the very people your asking why we never said anything about. Just what do you think the chances of someone believing us over them would have been? We were kids, we didn't know we could tell, and due to the don't talk to strangers rule drummed into kids from our generation we didn't talk to anyone we didn't know. By the time we were adults we knew the system around here was so corrupted by the people who were just like those who abused us we didn't know who we could tell," I said.

Marc gave me a devastated look, he hadn't realized just how corrupt things could really be in a country where freedom was supposed to reign supreme. He had grown up in a community were the legal system worked the way it was supposed to work, where if someone abused their children it was dealt with and not just written off as religious ideals. A community where the local religion didn't run the government, and anyone outside the community wasn't to be trusted.

I hoped he would talk to Niki, she was the most likely to be willing to talk about what happened. I knew Jessica wouldn't talk about it. The last time I saw her she could barely function, her mind was more that of a child, than that of a woman.

Marc looked around as though trying to figure out if there was anything he could do to help. He finally pulled up a chair and asked me point blank why I never mentioned that my father and brother abused my sisters before now.

"Marc I told you why. Who was I supposed to tell? In jail what reason would I tell you? It wasn't like either of us could have done anything about it. For all I knew you were in there on charges just as bogus as I was. So why would I have said anything?" I asked.

"But over the last few days..." Marc said.

"Over the last few days? I found out you were in prison undercover. You knew the charges were bogus and passed it along to your superiors who opted to leave me there without any hope of ever getting out, not even offering me a sliver of hope, and you expect me to trust them to do anything about what was done to my sisters? Tell me Marc, why should I have said anything, I've been fighting to find a reason just to live," I said.

I saw understanding finally start to creep into his eyes. He now knew I was still fighting to over come the damage done to me by leaving me in a place I never should have been. All the struggle he watched Ellen go through he was now seeing me go through, but unlike Ellen I didn't have someone like me to help. I was fighting this battle on my own and I felt like I was losing.

"Please Marc I really would like to get some work done here and the longer you sit here the longer it will take. Why don't you take my little sister shopping and get to know her, maybe you can help her, but right now I have things I need to do that you just can't help with," I said.

He finally consented to taking Niki shopping, I knew he would try getting her to talk about why she was now an outcast in the family the same as Kathy and I were, but doubted Niki would be willing to tell him it was because dad and David had raped her and gotten her pregnant, then demanded she have an abortion, and cast her aside. Because in being raped, getting pregnant, and aborting the pregnancy violated almost every doctrine of the church we were born into, even though she hadn't been given a choice in any of it.

I called Kathy's hoping Niki would be there and found out she hadn't gotten home from school yet, but was expected any time.

I let Marc know suggesting he head over there, that she should be there when he got there.

"Hello Kathy, I was wondering if you or Niki would like to go shopping, Alex needs some new clothes," Marc said, when he got to Kathy's.

"I take it Alex let you know she hates shopping and would rather spend time trying to figure out just how screwed up everything is at the Pride Center?" Kathy asked.

"You could say that, I thought it was just Ellen who didn't like shopping, but now that I know Alex, I can't help but wonder if it's all trans-women," Marc said.

"Marc, Alex is a woman and even before she made the claim was treated as such sexually. I don't know if that played a part in her finally telling the world or not, but shopping was one of the few things many women find pleasure in she never liked, it doesn't have anything to do with her being a trans-woman, it just has to do with what she does and doesn't enjoy," Kathy said.

"I know. It's just the only two trans-women I've grown to love both hate shopping enough they would rather sift through stacks of papers," Marc said.

Kathy laughed and Marc started laughing with her.

"What's so funny," Niki said, coming out of the bedroom she had been in getting changed.

"Marc wants to know if we'd like to go shopping," Kathy said.

Niki looked from Kathy to Marc and back.

"Why doesn't he take Alex? Isn't she the one he claims he loves?" Niki asked.

"Because Alex would rather do almost anything other than go shopping, and right now she's trying to get the Pride Center back to what it was before she went to jail. It seems no one bothered to do anything about the board of directors after she was arrested and sent to jail, so she's still the CEO and unfortunately it also means I'm still on the board," Kathy said.

"I thought she would have gotten over that by now," Niki said.

"Right Niki, just like you would think I would have gotten over my thing about men by now," Kathy said.

"I don't get either of you. Neither of you were abused any worse by dad and David than I was, yet you both act like you were abused worse," Niki said, not even thinking about Marc standing there.

Kathy gave Niki a dirty look as if to say she needed to be careful what she said around strangers.

"I'm sure by now Alex has told Marc all about the family and how the men in the family treat the women," Niki said.

"Actually she hasn't told me much of anything, and even suggested I talk to both of you if I wanted to learn about what you've all been through at the hands of you father and oldest brother," Marc said.

Niki looked dumbfounded at the thought she might have told someone who didn't know anything what the real reason behind her distrust of people she didn't know was.

"I... Marc can we pretend I never said anything," Niki said hoping Marc would be willing to let the subject drop.

"I can't help if I don't know what the problem is," Marc said.

"The problem is that Niki doesn't know how to keep her mouth shut and for some reason doesn't think anyone else can either," Kathy said giving Niki a dirty look.

"And what about this other sister? I believe Alex said her name is Jessica," Marc asked.

"Jesse will never tell anybody anything, and even if she did no one would believe her," Niki offered.

"Why is that?" Marc asked.

"Niki shut up for once in your life, please," Kathy said.

"I'm not the one who crawled in a shell no one can reach into," Niki said.

"I think maybe it's time you all start trusting someone other than each other," Marc said.

"And just what can anyone do about what's been done to us Marc? Why should we believe anyone would even care, especially after what was done to Alex?" Kathy asked.

"What was done to Alex was done against my wishes," Marc said.

"It was done against your wishes! Your the one who told mom and I not to go visit Alex and let her know we still cared and loved her," Kathy said tears starting to run down her cheeks.

"I was following orders, orders that I would never have followed had I known your sister wasn't stronger than she was. If I had known how alone she was I would have done everything I could to let her know she wasn't alone. You were there when we got word she cut her wrists. Surely you saw me turn white and tell my boss I didn't give a shit what they wanted any longer I was going to be by her side when and if she survived. I turned in my resignation before we even left Washington to get back here," Marc said.

"Kathy, it's time you girls start trusting someone, and I think your sister has chosen someone who can help if your willing to give him a chance," Mom said, walking in the apartment.

"How can you say that mom? Alex loved and trusted him and almost died because of it," Kathy said.

"Correction Kathy, Alex still loves him and wants him to get to know her family in the best way she can. By allowing him to talk to her sisters," Mom said.

Kathy gave mom a very hurt look. To her Marc had betrayed the love I had by abandoning me to a situation that almost cost me my life.

"Marc, I know asking the kind of questions that can help my girls move past the abuse they suffered isn't easy, but you need to understand these girls do feel betrayed by the world around them. They've never had anyone willing to listen to them without trying to find some way of using what they might say against them," Mom said.

"I understand that. As close as Alex and I have been I've never had her tell me anything about her life growing up, other than she didn't dare let anyone know the real her until after she was out on her own," Marc said.

## Chapter 7

Niki wasn't sure about me, but liked Marc for some reason I didn't understand. She insisted on going shopping with him even though it would be to get me more clothes, something I was sure she didn't think I needed.

"You need to forgive Kathy, she doesn't trust men," Niki said.

"I don't blame her if what little I know is anything to go by. Frankly, I'm surprised you do trust men," Marc said.

"You really think I trust men? I don't trust men any more than Kathy does, but I guess I wasn't treated as bad as Kathy was," Niki said.

"I know Kathy doesn't really like me, and blames me for what happened to Alex. The thing is I never expected to meet anyone like Alex when I chose to go undercover. I didn't believe anywhere in this country there could possibly be something like was found here," Marc said.

"Marc I don't blame you for what happened to Alex, in fact I blamed Alex for a lot of the abuse Kathy and I received. Alex was the first to leave home, and almost immediately told us she was a woman not a man. All those years Kathy and I had been subjected to abuse and she said she was like us after not being treated like us," Niki said.

"Surely you don't still blame her?" Marc asked.

"I never should have blamed her, I never wanted to blame her, but I was hurt because she didn't suffer like I did. I blamed her because Kathy came out as lesbian after she moved out, and escaped the abuse leaving me alone. I blamed her because I hated my life. I didn't know the abuse she suffered at the hands of our father and brother. I didn't know the abuse she suffered at the hands of the church leaders. I didn't understand how hard it was for her to live as someone she knew she wasn't for so long. No Marc I don't blame her any longer, but I know it will take time for me to love her the way I want to, the way I know she loves me," Niki said.

Marc wanted to learn more about the kind of abuse we had all suffered, but wasn't sure how to ask the questions, and wasn't sure he could handle hearing the kind of abuse he knew we had suffered, so he changed the subject.

"Do you ever go dancing at the local clubs?" Marc asked Niki.

"Almost every weekend. I know this one store that has some great clothes for dancing. While I've never actually been to the store I know some of the dresses I've had came from the store," Niki replied.

"I guess Alex and I are a little old to fit in with most of the people at the clubs you go to?" Marc asked.

"Not really. There's always several couples older than you and Alex at the clubs. I go because I really like the music and love to dance and it seems there's always lots of people my age who also like dancing," Niki said.

"What about LGBT people," Marc asked.

"There are all kinds of people, it doesn't really matter who or what you are, it only matters that you don't cause trouble," Niki said.

"So tell me about this store that carries great club wear?" Marc asked.

Niki wasn't sure were it was or even what kind of store it was only that it had dresses she really liked for going dancing at the clubs. As they drove through town they passed several adult stores and Niki said she thought the one they were coming to next was the name of the store.

"Niki, do you have any idea what kind of store that is?" Marc asked.

"A store that has club wear?" Niki asked.

"I guess they have that too, but it's an adult store. Most everything they have has sexual connotations, and most of them are designed to make woman sex objects," Marc said.

"My friends said they come here all the time," Niki said.

"Your friends probably weren't sexually abused. I'm not sure a store like that would be a good idea, but if you insist I know one that has better clothes and the people working there are very knowledgeable about how the products they carry can be used to enhance the sexual experience without degrading either women or men," Marc said.

"Really? I've always wanted to see what that kind of store has, but was always afraid to go alone," Niki said.

"Well I know Alex could probably use a new prosthetic and they carry the best rated anywhere. Niki I don't have a problem going there, but I must ask if there's anything you don't know what it is, or aren't sure of, ask. Don't just pick things up and play with them hoping to figure out how they're used," Marc said.

"I'd be too embarrassed to ask," Niki said.

"It's either ask, or don't pick things up," Marc said.

"Ok, if I don't know what something is I'll ask before picking it up," Niki said.

Marc pulled into the adult shop he learned about before Ellen had her surgery, the one Dave and Ellen both told him about that had people who knew what things were and how to use and care for them.

"May we help you?" someone said when they walked in the door.

"I hope so," Marc said. "My sister-in-law is interested in club wear, and I need to get my wife a new prosthetic, the one she has is about six months old and she refuses to take it off. If I could get two it would probably be better, that way she can change it once in a while."

"I take it she's waiting to have surgery?" the store clerk asked.

"I guess you could say that, things happened that make it so she's almost having to start all over on her transition," Marc said.

"Do you know what size she needs?" the clerk asked.

"I haven't got a clue, my brother-in-law bought the last one and I never paid any attention to the size, I only know he got it here. Both he and my late wife came here for

those things and said it was the only place in town to carry ones that seemed real," Marc said.

"I suppose your late wife, or brother-in-law have a name? I do know many of the trans-women that have come in here in the last ten years," the clerk said.

"My late wifes name was Ellen, and her brothers name is Dave," Marc said.

"Ellen as in Ellen Adleson?" the clerk asked.

"That would be my late wife, yes. Her brother Dave should have been in here about six months ago and about a year before that to get a prosthetic," Marc said.

"I remember, I thought it strange because I was sure Ellen said she was scheduled for surgery the last time she was here," the clerk said.

"Ellen had her surgery about four years ago. She was killed about two years ago, when some men broke in our house. The prosthetics Dave bought were for Alex DeMay, the woman I'm engaged to now," Marc said.

"Ok, now I know exactly what size your looking for. If you'll give me a few minutes, I'm sure I can find a couple. How is Alex anyway? She hasn't been in for almost three years, and everyone here was wondering what happened to her. A couple of regulars said she wasn't at the Pride Center either," the clerk said.

"It's a long complicated story, that right now I would rather not go into," Marc said.

"So is that her twin sister? I thought she would be older," the clerk asked.

"That's her baby sister, I doubt there are many people who could tell Alex and Kathy apart if they're standing next to each other," Marc said.

Marc joined Niki looking at the dresses when the clerk headed for a back room.

"Does everyone love her that much?" Niki asked.

"From what I remember of Ellen talking about Alex, and what I've learned about her, I can't imagine anyone not loving her. She has reached out to so many in the LGBTQI community around here," Marc said.

"These dresses make the ones all my friends wear look really cheap, and from what my friends have said these are about half the cost. How can they do that?" Niki asked.

"I don't know, all I know about this store is what Ellen and Dave have told me, this is the first time I've been in here," Marc answered.

"I really wish I had the money to buy a few dresses, I could go broke in here just buying clothes," Niki said.

"I think I could manage to get you a couple dresses if you'd like, but remember we are here looking for dresses for Alex," Marc said.

"I doubt I could forget. Alex is so lucky. Marc what do all those letters mean, LGBTQI?" Niki asked.

"They simply mean people, mostly people who are treated different because of who they identify as, or who they love. The letters themselves stand for: Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender, Queer and Inter-sex," Marc said.

Niki had so much to learn, but she was now willing to learn. The last time I spent any time with her she blew off what it was I tried to teach her about the inequality in society. She didn't seem at all interested in learning that how we had been treated growing up was anything but normal, or right. She didn't seem at all interested in hearing about the wrongs done to us in the name of a religion that even the most devout followers in the religion refused to believe. How the religion supposedly taught from the Bible while at the same time claiming beliefs that were denounced in the Bible.

They taught tolerance as long as that tolerance was only with those who claimed the same beliefs. They talked about how they had been persecuted, failing to make mention of how and why.

Had the early church been persecuted? Not really, or at least not any more than they persecuted others who didn't accept their teachings. The teachings of the religion changed from one generation to the next, with men gaining more and more power while women became more and more subservient, virtually indentured servants to the men in their lives.

The local church we had grown up in was so corrupted from what the early teachings had been, it seemed unrecognizable as the same religion. In the local church women were whatever the men wanted them to be, and for most of the women and girls I knew that was sex slaves.

My oldest sister had been one of the smartest in her class when she started middle school and her first year fell from being in the top twenty students to being in the bottom five percent of the students. It wasn't she didn't try, as much as she just gave up. Try as she could at home and church she was knocked down to being good for nothing but sex, and according to what she was told by dad and the church leaders that was all there would ever be for her and others like her. She was beautiful therefore dangerous if she learned to think for herself.

The summer between middle school and high school for her changed everything. Dad started treating her the way he had only ever treated mom, making her sit in his lap. Touching her in places he shouldn't have, telling her the feelings were only natural, and the guilt she felt was something in time she would over come, if she would just let the feeling of pleasure take her.

By the time Kathy and I were ready to start middle school I noticed both dad and David treating Jesse and Kathy the way dad had Jesse a few years earlier. Through primary school I shared a room with David, but before starting middle school I shared a room with Kathy, a room that only had one small bed. I didn't mind sharing a room with Kathy since I knew she didn't want the kind of attention dad and David gave, but did enjoy that I would listen to her, and in turn would listen to me.

I told Marc I needed to work on getting the Pride Center back to what it was intended, and while that was true it wasn't what I did while he was gone, hopefully shopping with Niki. I knew the chances of him ever getting Kathy to tell him about the sexual abuse they suffered was pointless, I had been the reason Kathy finished high school in the top of the class with me. I knew the only real stability she had was the nights we shared, both of us just being ourselves.

Niki on the other hand found her support in Kathy. She didn't want to trust me because I was supposed to be male, and males were the enemy. Males were the ones who forced her to do things she didn't want any part in. I hoped Niki in the time she lived with Kathy after high school learned to believe I would never have done anything to hurt her. I doubted Kathy told her of all the times I stepped in to prevent the abuse that would have left her as scarred as Jesse was. I knew I would never be able to tell her, I didn't even know how to tell Kathy all the abuse I had taken in her place, simply because I loved her more than I did myself.

My sisters meant everything to me. They were everything I wanted to be, all-be-it the sexual abuse, that I wanted no part of.

I knew Marc wanted answers and while I hoped Niki would give him some, I doubted she would give him all the secrets hidden behind religious beliefs practiced by my father. The only person I thought might be able to give a full account of the kind of things done to my sisters and I, was my mother, and I was sure she like Kathy wouldn't say anything without having just the right questions to draw out memories they didn't want to remember.

How long had it been since I was able to walk away from that house and the tortures that had been the lives of me and my sisters? Would I be able to recount some of the nightmares without falling apart worse than I had while locked in solitary? Could I manage to tell the horrors without them overwhelming me? I had to try, I knew I had too, but even now knowing Marc did care and could do something to bring some semblance of justice to a world so filled with pain telling was difficult.

Perhaps if I tried writing where I simply answered questions I knew would be obvious. I pickup a pen and started writing talking about my earliest memories. About Kathy and I just being little kids. About dad not being around much and regretting when he was around.

When dad was away I could be myself I could enjoy playing Barbie's with Kathy and Jessica. David had his own friends and because of how much younger I was they didn't want me around, which was fine by me since I didn't care for the things they did anyway.

But when dad was home playing Barbie's was out of the question. The first time dad saw me playing with Kathy and Jessica, rather than David, he took me in another part of the house and started yelling at me and hitting me, first with his hand, then with his belt. He kept saying over and over no son of his was going to turn into a pansy that played with dolls.

After he said no son of his, I said I wasn't his son I was his daughter, and that earned me an even harsher beating, along with even greater ridicule. I didn't understand why I had to be a boy, when all I wanted was to be a girl.

A few days later I moved past the beating and ridicule until I saw David lean over and kiss Jessica the way I had seen dad kiss mom. I started to say something about telling dad, and David said dad wouldn't care as long as he didn't start playing with dolls and thinking he was no better than a girl.

I went to mom and told her what I saw David do, and she told me she would deal with it when she got a chance. Mom didn't look very happy, but just kept on doing the work she always seemed so busy with. I watched as she tried to bend over to either move something, or pick something up, and noticed how hard it was for her, and bent over to help in time for dad to walk in and tell me to get in the other room and let my mother do her job.

I knew the room dad meant for me to go to and stood there waiting hoping maybe he might get mad at David for what he did to Jessica. I started to tell dad what David did and the first blow knock me off my feet.

"Who do you think you are telling your brother how he should treat women?" Dad asked.

I didn't understand. From what I was taught in church what David did as very wrong, but I was the one in trouble for having said something while David was going to again get away with doing what my Sunday school teacher said was wrong according to the Bible.

Dad started hitting and yelling at me again for having said something about what David did. He accused me of being a tattletale and being a tattletale was worse than anything David did.

I was determined I wasn't going to cry after the beating dad gave me. He wanted an insensitive son, I was going to give him just that, at least until I could get out on my own. I hated this man and everything he stood for, and was determined to do all I could to insure my sisters were safe from him and my big brother if at all possible.

I knew there would be times I couldn't protect them, but if I could keep them from the worst of the abuse I felt it my responsibility to do so.

Throughout the remainder of that year any time David thought about giving Jessica a kiss like he had that day I interrupted saying I needed some help taking Jessica out of harms way long enough David was starting to get frustrated with me and started threatening to beat me up if I couldn't learn to do things on my own.

As the end of the school year approached Niki and Neal were born leaving me with another sister I needed to protect whenever possible.

Niki and Neal sharing a room didn't seem wrong since they were both so little I didn't see how they could do more than cry because they were either hungry or needed changed, but dad decided it would be better if David and Jessica shared a room and Kathy and I shared a room. I didn't mind the idea of sharing a room with Kathy, until the second bed was taken away so we had to share the same bed as well. I couldn't help wondering if David and Jessica were also going to have to share a single bed. If they did how much would I be able to protect Jessica from David?

The first few nights Kathy and I shared a room I insisted on sleeping on the floor so Kathy wouldn't have me disturbing her. A week went by and Kathy insisted I share the bed with her because it wouldn't be long and the weather would start getting colder and dad already told us we wouldn't be getting anymore blankets.

"Kathy I can't bare the thought of what it is dad seems to want from us," I said.

"Sharing the bed doesn't mean we have to do what dad wants, and if you continue sleeping on the floor after it gets cold you won't get much if any sleep. You know we aren't allowed to wear our coats except to go outside when it's cold," Kathy said.

I gave in because I knew she was right, but I still didn't like the idea. The first morning after both of us sleeping in the bed I woke with her holding me tight. When she realized I was awake she unwrapped her arms from me and asked if I was ok.

I nodded I was, not saying anything because her holding me the way she was scared me.

"I know you don't like the idea of us sharing a bed, and now I think I understand why. Alex, we're both girls, at least if what I've gathered from what you say when your asleep is anything to go by," Kathy said.

I gave her a puzzled look and still didn't say anything.

"You know I do have a lot more pajamas than you do if you ever want to wear some," she said.

I wanted to take her up on her offer, but feared what might happen if dad, or worse David found out. Would I finally be accepted as who I knew I was, and if so what would that mean? I knew Kathy and I were expected to do things that the church taught should only be done by married people, and only behind closed doors. I couldn't do that, I loved Kathy, Jesse, and Niki, but there was no way I could treat them the way dad, and especially David, thought they should be treated since they were all born female in every way.

Kathy showed me the new nighties dad bought her and wanted her to wear, and I blushed thinking how much they showed. If Kathy wore those nighties with the robe she said dad wanted, she might as well walk around the house nude, and I had a feeling dad and David would be ok if she did.

It wasn't long after Kathy and I were told we were sharing the same room that people from the church started coming over, most of them men and older boys. While those men and boys were there dad told Kathy and Jesse to get ready for bed and he already set on their bed the nighties he wanted them to wear.

Kathy and I headed for our bedroom figuring if dad said it was time to get ready for bed it was time for bed as well. I walked in the room and saw what dad left laying on the bed and shuddered at the thought of Kathy wearing something like that, even if I was the only one to see her wearing it.

I picked it up before Kathy had a chance and ran outside throwing it in the trash can and piling trash on top of it making it hard to see.

When I got back to our bedroom dad was standing there wanting to know why Kathy wasn't ready for bed yet.

"Alex took the nightie and ran out of the room with it before I even had a chance to see it," Kathy said.

Dad turned to me with the same look he had the last time he whipped me for something I didn't understand. He didn't tell Kathy to put on another nightie like the one I had just thrown out instead taking my arm and dragging me to his room closing and locking the door.

I knew what was coming, and while I hated the thought of getting beat again, knew if something like this happened again, I would do the same thing. I knew as long as I lived in this house I would get beat for not allowing my sisters to be turned into sex objects for my father and his over zealous religious friends, who always preached one thing while practicing something completely contrary.

The following week the same thing happened and again I did the same thing with the same results. It continued for about six months before dad finally gave up on the idea that beating me wasn't going to stop me, and I think he feared if he continued beating me he might end up killing me and didn't want to think of what that might mean in terms of his ability to turn the women in his life into sex slaves.

After he gave up on beating me he also gave up on trying to get Kathy to wear the nighties for his friends. By that time he knew if there was any chance of me seeing them before Kathy was actually wearing them the chances weren't good he would ever see her in them, and since some of them disappeared even before he had been able to set them out on the beds he could only guess I managed to find them and get rid of them before he was ready to make his attempt.

There wasn't a lot I could do to protect Jesse, but with Kathy and Niki it was much easier. When Niki and Neal were old enough to understand I made sure Neal knew if he went along with dad and David where Niki was concerned, he could only wish he accepted a beating from dad, because what I would do to him would make dads beatings seem mild by comparison.

Jesse hadn't been registered for school when it started in the fall and I knew she received as much education as she was going to, except in how to please a man sexually. I knew while the rest of us were in school she would be used and abused by anyone dad or David thought were worthy, and I knew that meant had the money they felt she was worth. Throughout the school year Jesse seemed to smile more and more and talk less and less. Trying to follow her thoughts in a conversation seemed impossible and before long she seemed mentally younger than Niki and Neal. Her language changed to were she was cussing almost nonstop, and her cusses made no sense.

I tried to talk to mom about what was happening with Jesse and was told to forget about what Jesse had been like because she would never again be mentally competent to care for herself, and if I said anything to anyone outside the family it was likely I would end up the one being blamed.

My oldest sister was beyond my reach and I knew dad and David would do the same to both of my other sisters if I didn't fight harder to protect them.

When Kathy and I started high school I got involved in weight training, and started working part-time after school. I hated the idea that Kathy and Niki would be in the house without me there, but needed the money from my job if I hoped to be able to stand up to dad and David.

By my final year of high school I registered for kick-boxing classes rather than the normal electives I would have taken. I figured if I learned to kick-box it would make protecting Kathy and Niki easier, and it proved to work when David came in mine and Kathy's room one night and started to rape Kathy, ignoring that I was there.

I kicked out without thought and caught David in the jaw and shattered his jaw knocking him out for a couple hours. Mom didn't say anything, but when dad got home he pulled his belt out and told me if I ever kicked David like that again he'd see to it I'd never be able to again.

He landed three quick hits with his belt before I was angry enough I didn't think about him being bigger and stronger than me. As he drew back to swing his belt a forth time I let fly a round-house kick that sent him flying back on his bed. He stood up fire in his eyes and charged at me earning another kick that sent him through the door.

I stood there looking at him and told him if he or David ever touched my sisters again what he got this time was nothing to what I would do.

I stepped over him and went in my room expecting to have dad come barging in at any moment.

Kathy came in and asked what I had done, why dad treated her like a person rather than a thing for the first time in years.

I made her promise not to ever tell Niki, because Niki had been included in the threat I made to dad, but was still so young she shouldn't remember how bad things were. I wouldn't tell her unless she made the promise, and ignored every attempt she made in trying to find out until she did promise.

"Dad tried to beat me for breaking David's jaw, he even hit me three times with his belt before I was angry enough to do more than stand there and take it. When he drew back to hit me again I kicked him in the chest and he landed on the bed. He then tried to charge me and I stepped out of the way and kicked him in the ass adding momentum to his charge and sending him through his locked door and on his back in the hall, I told him if either he or David ever touched you, Niki, or Jesse again the beating I gave this time would be nothing to what I would give next time," I said.

The abuse to both me and my sisters was still there, but nowhere near as openly as before. The girls still had to wear their short dresses that barely covered them while standing, but neither dad nor David ever again touched them inappropriately if there was a chance of me seeing them do it.

Kathy and I both turned eighteen just before we graduated high school and as soon as our graduation ceremony was over Kathy started at the community college and I went to the university at the other end of the state. I knew without me there everything dad and David were doing before would start all over again, but there was no way I could stay. I denied who I was so I could protect my sisters and I needed to be able to finally be me.

Over the years of my part-time job I had been able with Kathy's help to build a wardrobe of the kind of clothes both Kathy and I loved. Kathy taught me how to do my makeup and even helped me work on developing a voice that was perfect for the woman I knew I was. Mom and Kathy were the only ones home when I finally had my car loaded to go and I dressed as my true self for the first time so someone other than Kathy and I could see.

When I walked out of the room I shared with Kathy mom gasped since she had never seen me as Alexandra before. She stuttered and said she was glad dad and David had never seen me this way before.

I gave both mom and Kathy a hug wiping moms tears, and slid in my car and was gone. Mom thought I packed all the clothes I had worn growing up, the clothes that hid me as Alexandra, until Kathy asked mom what she should do with them.

I promised Kathy I would call her at least once a week while I was gone, and I would be back to help if needed between every quarter. For me the next six years were wonderful I had several friends who only knew me as Alexandra. I started seeing a therapist about transitioning only to be told they wouldn't refer me for hormones unless I let them see me as Alexander first.

I met some other transgender students who were open about their gender and asked them about their transition. Most of them acted surprised when they found out I was transgender, and would ask me how long I had been transitioning because they hadn't known until I told them.

When I said I hadn't done anything about transitioning until I left home a few of them stopped just short of calling me a liar. No one, according to them could pass so easily who hadn't been living full-time for years, yet they had all thought I was a genetic woman from the start.

All I could do was think of all the time Kathy and I spent learning makeup and speech, when we were supposed to be doing other things neither of us wanted any part in.

Within six months we had a support group set up where we could share our stories and tell about what was going on we felt we should all be aware of. A couple of the others told me about the therapist they were seeing and I scheduled an appointment hoping this therapist would be willing to help me become the woman I knew I was, where the other therapist had insisted on me meeting their requirements that rather than help would have dragged me in a direction I had no intention of going.

The first meeting with the new therapist looked to be an improvement, until they wanted to start digging into my past. I saw no reason for them knowing about the abuse I suffered, or more the abuse my sisters still suffered. All I wanted was for the therapist to confirm I was really a woman and help me get the hormones that would assist in letting the rest of the world know.

When the therapist insisted on talking about my past I started making up a life that by any standard would have been much better than the life I lived. My sisters still weren't suffering the abuse it started out to be according to what Kathy told me whenever I called.

The first time I went home Kathy and I spent a great deal of our time together. David still hadn't recovered fully from the broken jaw I gave him, but was back on solid food.

Niki wanted to be around Kathy which I didn't mind most of the time, while Neal wanted to spend a little time with me.

Neal wasn't like David or dad and was suffering the punishments that had been reserved solely for me before I left. I promised him if he wouldn't tell Niki I would offer him the same protects I did Kathy and Niki. He asked what kind of protections that was and I stood there looking at him. While we talked he got a call from dad and I took his phone and said I needed to talk.

After I said hello there was a long pause, but the line didn't go dead so I knew dad was still there. I told dad the promise I made about him touching Jessica, Kathy and Niki also applied to Neal and heard a cuss come from dads side of the phone.

"You can't be here all the time Alex," Dad said.

"You're right dad I can't, but I'm more likely to believe you haven't lived up to your end of the promise if I hear about it than I am to take your word for anything. You either leave my sisters and brother alone or I will keep my promise, and if I hear David has tried anything with any of them and you haven't done anything to stop him you'll still wish you had never known me," I said.

I again heard a cuss from dads end and handed the phone back to Neal after disconnecting the call.

I needed to talk to mom, to find out if things stayed the way they were before I left. I also wanted to know if Jesse was over coming the abuse she had suffered.

Neal didn't seem to understand when I told him I had done all I could at least until I finished school. It seemed he expected me to put my life on hold so he would never again need to worry about being beaten for wanting to treat his sisters like people rather than property.

I knew he hadn't heard the cusses from dads side of the conversation, and I didn't feel the need to go into detail of how I knew dad would think twice before using abusive punishments with him again.

I drove Neal back to the house and walked to the door with him. I knew I wouldn't be welcome in the house the way I was dressed, so waited outside while Neal ran inside promising to let mom know I wanted to talk to her. While waiting David came out and seeing me smiled and started toward me.

"If I were you David I'd think twice before getting any closer, or you might end up back in the hospital with all the healing you managed since the last time we saw each other being undone and more bodily damage besides," I said.

"Last time you caught me off guard, that won't happen again little brother," David said.

I shook my head and just stood there. If David was foolish enough to challenge me he deserved whatever he got. Neal was back from letting mom know I wanted to talk to her. As David got closer to me he ran back in the house calling for mom.

David came within reach just as mom came out of the house.

"David if you touch her she has every right to kill you if she needs to, I won't protect you from your own stupidity," Mom said.

David didn't back down, but didn't reach for me either.

"Your lucky moms here or I would have owned you this time," David said.

"Mom won't step in to save you, and even if dad were here I doubt he would either, after what happened the last time he tried to punish me because I broke your jaw," I said.

David stood there shaking trying to gain control of his anger and I knew he was fighting a losing battle. I saw his arm come up his hand forming a fist. I waited knowing his fist would soon be flying in my direction.

I side stepped his swing causing him to miss and kicked him in the ass when his swing carried him even with me, sending him sprawling on the front yard face down.

"If your smart David you'll stay down," I said.

He started to push himself up and I stepped back out of his reach so he couldn't swing his arm out and knock me off my feet.

"I'm going to kill you Alex," David said.

I just stood there looking relaxed to anyone watching.

He got back to his feet and again charged at me. This time rather than stepping to the side I met his charge head on bringing my knee up just before he made contact catching him in the groin and sending him flying backward. He landed on his back and doubled over into a fetal position.

"You can't beat me David. When I broke your jaw I didn't know anywhere near what I do now. If your lucky I didn't crush your testicles with that kick, but if you don't stay down I won't hold back again," I said.

He rolled over moaning holding his groin.

Mom came out when David didn't move and put her arm around my shoulders directing me back to the house.

"Mom I know I'm not welcome here any longer, and I really don't mind since I know there'll never be peace between David and me, and I doubt dad and I will ever be able to move past the history we have. I won't let either of them abuse me again, and if I find out either of them are abusing any of my sisters or brother I'm likely as not to kill them as just beat the hell out of them," I said.

"I know dear, I have no doubt if it came down to it you would rather go to prison for killing them than letting them continue the abuse they've given in the past," Mom said.

David was sitting up when mom and I reached the house.

"If you touch any of my sisters, Neal or mom, I'll kill you next time David. Your reign of terror in this family is over," I said.

He leaned forward and rolled back into the fetal position moaning even louder.

## Chapter 8

Marc and Niki showed up before I was able to finish writing down what happened that ended with dad and David working together to put me in prison. I was glad to see Niki with Marc, but not impressed with how Niki was dressed. The dress she was wearing was even shorter than the ones I wore in prison, but she looked happier than I had seen her since she was still just a little girl and the world we had grown up in took her innocence.

"Are you about done here for the day?" Marc asked.

I looked at the papers on my desk and stood up. It was going to take longer than I cared to think about getting the Center back to what it had been.

Before shutting down the computer I saved what I had written both on the hard drive and a memory stick I could take with.

"Marc I have to ask, you not ask me about the past yet, I know you're curious and I do plan on sharing it with you, but it needs to be in my time and right now I'm not ready," I said.

Niki gave me a dirty look since I suspected she shared what she had been through with Marc.

"I haven't told anyone Niki, and until I'm ready I won't tell anyone," I said.

I stuck the memory stick in my purse and let Marc know I was ready whenever he was.

"Dad wants to talk to you," Niki said.

I gave her a look of surprise, the last time I talked to dad was when I was home after my first quarter of college when I told him Neal was included in the protection I offered.

"Did he say what he wants?" I asked.

"Just that he wants to talk to you," Niki said.

I was sure dad was as guilty as David in my imprisonment, but as yet I had no proof.

"I'm not that hard to find, if he wants to talk to me he can come to me, I'm not going to him, unless he's done something to someone other than David," I said.

We dropped Niki back at Kathy's and I went in with her to talk to mom and Kathy. I let Kathy know I was still willing to fight for her, Niki, Jesse, mom and Neal if they any of them needed me.

Dad called while I was there and Kathy looked at me wondering if I would talk to him or not.

I gave Kathy the same message I'd given Niki and gave everyone a hug and headed back out to the car.

In the car Marc asked why I wouldn't take the call from my father and I sat there staring out the window. How could I tell him I didn't care if I never talked to my father again?

"Marc when we get home the memory stick I put in my purse has a file I worked on after you left to go shopping. It isn't complete, but it should be complete enough you get the idea of why I didn't take the call," I said.

"I take it that file is your way of telling me about your past?" Marc asked.

I didn't say anything, opting to just sit there staring out the window. When we got home I handed him the memory stick and walked out to the barn. I wanted an escape and there wasn't anywhere for me to go. I stood there wanting to cry, but knowing there weren't any tears. I wanted to hit something preferably my oldest brother, but I didn't want to give anyone a reason to put me back in jail.

Erica came up next to me leaning on the fence and staring off across the field. She didn't say anything as though she knew my thoughts. I didn't look over at her, but knew she too was thinking about something.

"Marc is in the house reading some papers I wrote today," I said.

"It looks like you need a good cry," Erica said.

"There aren't any tears left, at least not for this," I said.

"If you ever need someone to listen, I'm available most any time," Erica offered.

"What I really need is to stop trying to hide from my past," I said.

We just stood there for what seemed hours before Marc came out and stood next to me. The look on his face told me how hard it was for him to read what I had written. After about five minutes that seemed an hour to me he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into him.

"I can't imagine what it was like living through that, and I do think I understand now why you wouldn't take that call at Kathy's," Marc said.

"I tried to sterilize it, but I'm not sure that's even possible," I said.

I turned into him and started crying. I had been sure there weren't any tears left, but now that I shared some of what I lived through I found tears were all I had. All those beatings and never any tears, because I was supposed to be a boy and boys don't cry. All the abuse my oldest sister and Kathy suffered I hadn't been able to protect them from.

The tears kept falling and I was sure I was going to wash away with each tear that fell. I wanted to escape, but didn't know where I could, since the escape I wanted was an escape from myself.

I stood there crying for what seemed hours with my head buried in Marc's chest before I was able to slow the tears, and stood there with him holding me for another ten minutes before I finally leaned back enough to see him.

"I... I never wanted anyone to know about that, I never wanted anyone to know," I said.

He didn't say anything, but nodded enough to let me know he heard what I said. I stepped back and we turned for the house together.

Erica apparently returned home sometime while Marc stood there holding me, and I started wondering if she had really been there in the time I stood at the fence before Marc joined me.

"I think we need to get some horses," Marc said.

I smiled with the thought of having a horse I could saddle and ride out on whenever I needed to get away for a little while.

"Have you ever ridden?" Marc asked.

I shook my head and my smile grew even bigger.

"I think your dad called while I was reading that file," Marc said.

"Did he say what he wants?" I asked.

"He just said he needs to talk to you, and left a phone number asking if there was any chance of having you call back," Marc said.

I knew I needed to call him back, but still felt apprehensive about it. I didn't trust my father, or rather didn't want to trust him. I was sure he was involved in sending me to prison, but David had been the real problem when it came to abuse against any of my sisters, and I now had proof David had been involved in both my being sent to prison and Ellen's murder.

"Do you think he would understand if I waited until morning before calling?" I asked.

"I don't think he expects you to call tomorrow or any time soon. I think he wants to ask your forgiveness," Marc said.

"I guess maybe I should call him tonight then. Marc the last time I talked to him was where I got to in that file you read. I haven't talked to him since that phone call," I said.

I started dinner when we got in the house and decided if dad didn't call back before we ate I would try calling him after dinner. As I set the dinner on the table the doorbell rang and Marc answered it to let me finish getting the table ready.

Ten minutes later dinner was sitting on the table and I hadn't heard Marc so went in the living room and saw my father sitting on the couch.

"Dinner's ready Marc," I said. "If your hungry your welcome to join us dad, but if you plan on bring your religion to the table with you the front door is the preferred choice."

Marc stood up and headed for the dining room followed by dad. We ate the meal in silence, me wondering just why dad was there. I wasn't curious enough to ask, but was sure Marc invited him.

When dinner was finished I started picking up the dishes and Marc told me he thought it might be better if I took dad in the living room and found out what he wanted and he would get the dinner picked up. I gave him a dirty look, but told dad we could talk in the living room.

"I'm sure you think I was involved in what happened a couple years ago," Dad said after settling himself back on the couch.

"Are you going to try telling me you weren't?" I asked sitting in the chair I chose as mine to sit in, in the evening.

"Actually no, I didn't have a part in it, but wasn't very upset about it at the time," Dad said.

"So David was the brains behind it?" I asked.

"I doubt that. I have no doubt he was a major player in it, but I don't think he has the brains to pull it off," Dad said.

"Ok. If David didn't plan it and you didn't have a part in it who was behind it. I know David was involved in both what they did to me, and what they did to Marc's late wife," I said.

"I'm afraid I don't know anything about Marc's late wife, and I didn't say David wasn't a main player, only that he doesn't have the brains to have planned what was done," Dad said.

"That didn't answer my question," I said.

"I don't know who planned it, or at least I don't have any evidence of who planned it, but if I had to guess I'd say look at the leaders of the church," Dad said.

"The local church or the top leadership of the church?" I asked.

"I don't know. Alex, after you made that last threat I started looking at what the church was asking me to do. I started questioning everything they said, and started looking at the teaching the church proclaimed openly and what they practiced behind closed doors. It wasn't just your threat that opened my eyes. Your mother said if I didn't start questioning she was leaving and taking Kathy, Niki, and Neal with, and would file charges against me for what happened to Jesse," Dad said.

Was dad saying what it sounded like? Did he finally figure out the church he followed so blindly was a nest of vipers?

"So what is it you want dad?" I asked.

"I want to understand. I want to know if there is anything I can do to make up for all the wrongs I've done to you and your sisters. I want to say I'm sorry, and hope you'll be willing to help me learn," Dad said.

"You want to learn then learn. There are hundreds of thousands of resources out there and all you have to do is be open to finding them," I said.

"Can you tell me where to start?" Dad asked.

"You already have," I said. "You haven't said a thing about me being me, the me I've always known I was, the me I hid for twelve years because I knew you could never accept me," I said.

"I'm still not sure I accept this, but if you being Alexandra is the only way I'll ever be able to see or talk to you it's up to me to at least be tolerant of your choice," Dad said.

"My choice? Do you honestly believe anyone would choose this kind of life? Is that what you think of Kathy and her wife? That it's simply a choice? Do you really think anyone would choose to be hated simply for trying to be themselves? For loving the people they love? No dad, it isn't a choice, it's who I am, it's who Kathy is," I said.

I doubted he understood, and at the moment it didn't matter to me, because I still wasn't ready to let him back in my life. I still wasn't willing to trust him.

"I know you don't trust me, I'm not saying you should. I'm not even sure I trust myself, but I am trying to change, to do what I know is right rather than what someone tells me is right because they're leaders of a church I believe in," Dad said.

"In a couple weeks I hope to have classes set up at the Pride Center for those interested in learning about the LGBTQI community, the best I can offer for now is look for what you can find online, but above all look at everyone as a person first. If you can do that the rest is easy," I said.

Would he take my advice to look online, or would he blow it off figuring it was just to hard because I wouldn't give him the answers and insisted he find them on his own.

"Can I ask one more thing before I go?" Dad asked.

"You can ask, but I won't promise an answer," I said.

"Who is Marc? A close friend or something?" Dad asked.

"Marc is my fiancée, and was married to my best friend when I came back here after college. David was in conspiracy with others to either send me to prison, or kill me, and they murdered Ellen, Marc's late wife. And before you ask no I didn't know Marc until I went to prison for a crime that never happened, a crime I blamed you for, as much as I did David," I said.

Dad didn't say anything he knew I still held him implicit with David for what happened over the last two years. He knew he had done more to create the kind of suspicion than I said, and I think hoped there were some way of erasing that suspicion.

"Dad, I forgave you for all the pain you gave a long time ago, but I won't set myself up to be hurt like that again. You have no idea how hard it was for me to feel I needed to threaten you the way I did, but it was the only way I knew of protecting my little brother and sisters. If I had it to do over I wouldn't change what I said and did, unless you changed so the abuse we suffered never happened. So if the reason your here is to ask my forgiveness, you already have it," I said.

He looked up when I said I forgave him a long time ago, like I had lifted an enormous weight off his shoulders. As I continued his face sank with the knowledge I hadn't forgotten any of the abuse and while I did forgive I would likely never forget, and the road to having my trust would likely be long and hard.

Marc insisted on having a beer after dinner and offered one to dad, and it seemed dad wanted to accept, but didn't want me to see just how far he had fallen from the religion he preformed so many abuses in the name of.

When dad didn't say anything more I got up and fixed me a whiskey and coke asking if dad wanted anything. I didn't care if he drank or not, as long as he didn't drink a lot since I had no intention of letting him spend the night.

"Have you got vodka and orange juice?" Dad asked.

I made him a screwdriver and set it on the coffee table in front of him.

He sipped it and set it back on the table, before saying anything.

"I need to know about David, I heard he was arrested this afternoon," Dad said.

"I don't know if he was or not. I do know if he was the evidence against him isn't circumstantial," I said.

"Sir, if my connections are right he will be facing murder one charges for the murder of my late wife Ellen Adleson and our daughter Tammy," Marc said.

"I imagine there is a warrant out for me as well?" Dad asked.

"No sir, I don't believe so, but thus far the only evidence points to your son and his accomplice who worked at the Pride Center with both Alex and my late wife," Marc said.

Dad looked surprised that I hadn't filed charges for the abuse he meted out when I was younger.

"What is between you and me is still just between you and me," I said.

"I appreciate that. You did put a stop to most of my abusive behavior, and while it may have been fear that stopped me it was also that you didn't try using outside forces," Dad said,

"But I did try using outside forces. I went to the leaders of the church with what I knew and was told point blank I was wrong because you were the head of the home and whatever you did was surely done in gods name," I said.

"I didn't know about that, and now that I do I can understand your reasons for no longer wanting anything to do with the church," Dad said.

"Sir if you know anyone involved in the kind of abusive behavior you and Alex have been talking about, it is your responsibility to let the authorities know who they are," Marc said.

"They were all friends and people I looked up to for spiritual guidance, and to do what you're asking would mean turning myself in as well. What I did and what they did I knew was wrong, I was so tied into their teachings right and wrong didn't matter any longer," Dad said.

"Dad if you want to prove you've changed, this would be a good way of doing that. You knew what you did was wrong, don't you feel there should be some kind of payment for that wrong? As I said I forgave you a long time ago, but without some kind of proof you've changed other than just your word I'll never trust you again," I said.

I didn't know if he would tell the authorities or not, and it really didn't matter to me if he did or didn't. There was one last thing he might be able to tell me it seemed everyone else so far avoided telling.

"One last thing, actually two, before you go. I want to know how Jessica is doing and what do you know about Neal? Other than David they are the only ones in the family I haven't talked to since getting out of prison, and if I never talk to David again it wouldn't hurt my feelings," I said.

"Jessica died about six months ago. I haven't heard from Neal since the day of her funeral," Dad said.

"How did she die?" I asked.

"The doctors said as far as they could tell she just gave up on living," Dad said.

"I can only imagine the horrors she lived through because you made her share a room with David, not to mention the horrors you dished out on her yourself," I said.

Dad left after telling me about Jesse and Neal, I was sure thinking he just made it harder for me to ever trust him. I knew when he said what happened to Jesse he said only what he knew, but also knew the reason he gave wasn't everything. I had no doubt David had a hand in Jesse's death, but how, other than the abuse he meted out to her I had no idea.

"I'm sorry about your sister," Marc said.

"Don't be, at least now she isn't suffering any longer," I said.

After dad left I felt worn out as though I spent all day working on something that made no sense, and likely never would make any sense.

I needed to talk to Neal and find out what he knew if anything. I needed to know why Kathy and mom hadn't said anything about Jesse. So many things that made so little sense, and now that Niki had my car I was dependent on Marc to get around.

"Marc I need a car so I can get around," I said.

"You can use the car we had today, I'll still have the pickup to get around in if I need to go anywhere. I know you don't need me hanging around the Pride Center and I do understand you needing to be able to get around on your own," Marc said.

"I was kind of hoping for something a little smaller. You saw the car Niki's driving now. That was the car I bought when I headed off to college," I said.

He started laughing.

"I guess we can go see about finding you something more to your liking if you don't mind either going to the Pride Center late, or leaving early enough to go looking after," he said.

"It will have to be after. Kathy is supposed to be coming in tomorrow to help out and if I'm not there she's likely as not to just go back home," I said.

How could I tell him I wanted to go talk to my oldest brother in hopes of getting him to name all the people involved. Would he understand my desire to visit some of the people we knew in prison if my brother weren't smart enough to give the names, to let them know he was a piece of shit, the piece of shit that framed me, landing me out there. I knew some of those guys out there deserved to be out there. I also knew some of them were coming up on their release dates and wanted to let them know I'd be willing to help them work their way back into society.

I guess waiting another day to do the running around I had wouldn't be unreasonable, just not what I hoped for.

I needed to talk to Kathy about Neal and that was more important than dealing with David at the moment.

In the morning I took the car leaving Marc with the truck since he was out taking care of something on the farm when I needed to leave if I hoped to be at the Pride Center before Kathy got there.

I opened the doors and checked the phone messages waiting for Kathy to show up. I heard someone enter and called out hoping it was Kathy, but in such a way if it wasn't, they would know I was busy at the moment and would be out shortly.

When I stepped out of the office Jeff was standing there looking lost and confused.

"What do you need Jeff?" I asked.

"I was... Alex I know I really screwed things up, but I was hoping I could still help out here," Jeff said.

"Jeff I can't pay you for now, but really could use some help, or there won't be a Pride Fest this year. So you understand you can't bring anyone in any longer. I don't blame you fully for Maude and her friends, I could have over ridden you on that and didn't because they did seem capable and we did need the help," I said.

While I dealt with Jeff someone else came in and started looking through the magazines we had laying on the tables.

I let them know as soon as I had things settled with Jeff I would see if there was something I could help them with.

Jeff wanted to help even knowing I couldn't pay him until I knew better the financial situation. I started him on getting the Pride Fest set up. To start he needed to get with all the people who helped in the past by sponsoring floats or booths, he gave me a look as though to ask what office he could use and I indicated his old office.

I watched him enter his old office and ask if it would be alright to close the door and walked around the desk taking a seat when I indicate I wanted the door open.

I turned to the person sitting in one of the chairs we had in the waiting area and started crying.

Neal looked up and stood not moving as though he wasn't sure what to do.

"I... I love you Neal," I choked out.

I walked over to my baby brother and held my arms out hoping for a hug.

"I... Alex you promised me... I... after he killed Jesse I didn't dare stay there any longer," Neal said.

"You mean David?" I asked.

He nodded and I hugged him wanting to remove all the pain I knew he felt.

"I'm so sorry Neal I wanted to be there. I wanted to be able to stop him like I promised, but somehow he made it so I couldn't be. Somehow he was able to convince a judge I was guilty of something he wanted to do, but was to chicken shit to attempt on his own," I said.

"I know he was terrified of you, I think all of us were a little. Alex none of us ever stood up to David or dad the way you did. Jesse died a week after dad left for some retreat that was supposed to help him get his life back in order. I know he quit going to church and associating with the people from the church shortly after you made that threat on my phone," Neal said.

So dad really was trying to turn his life around. I didn't dare trust him, but that didn't stop me from wanting to. If he followed through on what Marc and I asked him to do I was sure I could trust him at least a little.

"Did Kathy tell you I would be here?" I asked.

"She said she would be here about ten, I kind of guessed that meant you would be here too since Niki told me you were out of jail," Neal said.

"Right now I'm waiting for Kathy to get here so I can let her know what I need her to do, then I need to go see if David is willing to work on turning his life around, or if I need to talk to some of the friends I made in the year and a half I was in prison," I said.

"He won't change, you should know that better than any of us. He was the one who filed the charges against you, the conclusion of which was set before the charges were even filed," Neal said.

"I'm aware of that part, I also turned over evidence that implicates him in a couple murders, but he is still our brother, and for that I have to offer him the chance, or see he pays more than he knows if he won't take my offer," I said.

Neal waited with me until Kathy finally showed up about eleven. He asked if there was anything he could do to help, and Jeff said he could really use a hand getting the Pride Fest set up. Neal loved the idea and took the office next to Jeff's and started making phone calls.

I listened in on the calls at first and wondered when Neal would be comfortable enough with me to tell his secret, a secret I hid from everyone but Kathy most of my life. I wondered if Niki knew Neal's secret, and decided it didn't really matter, as it was his secret to keep or disclose.

I got Kathy started on what I needed from her which was checking the finances and getting the books straightened out and on the computer so they would be easier to keep track of.

I arrived at the jail and asked if there was any chance of visiting with David only to find out somehow he had been released on bail. When I started to throw a fit they said they didn't have enough evidence to hold him on the murder charges so they didn't have a choice.

Not enough evidence? How could there not be enough evidence. The tapes alone should have been enough evidence.

I knew if he wasn't in jail he'd be back at either mom and dads or at least in that neighborhood, so headed in that direction.

I pulled up in front of mom and dads and David was standing on the porch.

"I'm surprised you aren't still sitting in jail. You fucked up when you pressed those charges against me, but you fucked up even worse when you trusted Maude. If you're smart you'll separate yourself from those bigots you've called your friends for so long and tell the authorities everything about what was done in setting me up and the murder of Ellen and Tammy Adleson. You'll also tell them of all the rapes and abuse those people have committed and encouraged, especially the rape and murder of your own twin sister," I said.

"You think you've got it all figured out don't you? I'm not scared of you Alex. While I may not be able to beat you up the way I could when we were kids I can still get the better of you in other ways. Didn't that little time you did in jail teach you anything?" David asked.

"More than you might imagine. Be careful David I can promise jail for you will be ten times worse than it was for me. Since I know you won't change I'll let a few friends know all about you so they can give you a really nice welcome when you get to the prison. You see David it wasn't the being in prison that broke me, it was the knowledge that you were still out here and there didn't seem to be anything I could do about it. It was the knowledge that given the chance you would have killed not only your twin, but mine as well," I said.

He gave me a look I didn't understand because of the hatred in it. He came off the porch in a manner that had I not beaten him twice already would have scared me. He lunged when he got close enough grabbing me should have been a forgone conclusion had I not moved just as he started his lunge.

"You can't beat me David, I thought you knew that by now," I said.

"You aren't welcome here any longer. Either get out of here or I'll call the cops and have you arrested for trespassing," David said.

"You go right ahead and call the police, but if you don't own this property it might be you going to jail for trespassing," I said.

"The bank owns this property, but it's in dads name," David said.

"Are you sure about that? The last I checked dad was making the payments to me not some bank. For the record David I bought the mortgage on this house within a year of graduating from law school. You have one hour to be off this property or I'll see to it your bail is revoked and you are sitting back in jail waiting for your trial for conspiracy to commit murder, among the other crimes you've been charged with," I said.

All of a sudden he didn't look very sure of himself about anything. I was sure everyone in the family knew I majored in law while in school. I knew David didn't know what kind of law I majored in, or that I had expanded my knowledge of criminal law in the time I had been in prison, but if he didn't follow through about being off the property I owned, he would find out his oldest living sister didn't care one-way or another about him any longer. He had disowned me years ago after the first time I stood up to him and kicked his ass, but until now it had only been him unwilling to claim any kind of relationship with me. Now however he was only someone with the same last name as far as I was concerned, the David that had been my brother died a long time ago and this David was an impostor claiming a name he didn't deserve.

"Remember David you have one hour, and only one hour, I'll be back when the hour is up and if you're still here I will have you arrested for trespassing," I said.

He got back up and charged at me again, and like the last time we faced each other in the front yard like this, I stepped into his charge and raised my knee into his groin sending him flying backward.

"You still only have one hour David, so you better man up and start getting whatever you want to take out of here because anything left here after that one hour you'll lose. I might not be able to send you to prison on murder charges, but I can make sure you never again bother any of my sisters, or my parents. Your reign of terror over my family is over, and if you continue trying to keep it going I will kill you to insure it's over if I have to," I said.

He rolled over holding his groin giving me a look I knew all to well. While he lay there moaning a couple of his friends came over and started making threats toward me, just as Marc pulled up with several FBI agents and three police cars.

"Everything alright here babe?" Marc asked coming up and putting his arm around me.

"As far as I know everything is just fine dear, I gave this bum an hour to get off my property and I guess his friends came over to help him," I said looking at the two friends of David's who had just come over.

The new comers of David's started to say something about I kicked David without any provocation, and they came over to insure I didn't go anywhere before the police got there.

"So one of you called the police?" Marc asked.

"Yea, I did," said the one who had been telling about me beating David up without reason.

"I see, how about I ask these officers if another call came in since I requested they meet me here?" Marc asked.

David was back on his feet, giving me and the police a look that contained raw fear. He knew better than to challenge me I had beaten him twice before and been gracious enough to walk away, but this time I didn't seem to be walking away.

David asked his friends if they would help him get his things since it looked like he wasn't going to have a choice about staying there any longer.

"You aren't planning on staying here are you?" Marc asked.

"No," I said. "I hated it here even when I did live here growing up. I intend to put it up for sale, but only on the condition whoever buys it doesn't belong to some cult, if someone belonging to one of the cults around here makes an offer, I'll get whatever permits I need to tear it down and sell just the lot."

"Marc I don't need the money this house would give me, and I don't need the house either. Just because money and house mean relatively little to me doesn't mean I'm willing to let prejudice bigots buy the house so the hate I grew up with can continue," I said.

"What about offering the house to Kathy or Niki?" Marc asked.

"The people in this area know them, if they ever came back here they would face the same kind of abuse they did when they still lived here," I said.

"What about opening it as a shelter home for homeless LGBTQI people?" Marc asked.

"Make it the Pride House?" I asked.

"Why not?" Marc asked.

"I wonder how many of the neighbors around here would be willing to sell if I did?" I asked without realizing I had done so out loud.

"I need to talk to Kathy and Neal about the idea, but I think it's the best choice," I said.

I headed for the car and stopped by the officer that seemed to be in charge of the police that were there.

"Officer?" I asked trying to get his attention.

"Miss DeMay, I didn't expect I would ever see anyone have David rolling on the ground like he was when we pulled up," the officer said.

"That was the second time I've done that to him. I was hoping perhaps one or two of your officers could stay and make sure David leaves in the next forty-five minutes. Anything he takes between now and then is fine, unless of course it's evidence needed to see him and his friends end up in jail where they all belong," I said.

"I heard Alex was the only person to ever do something like that before," the officer said.

"I am Alex, Alexandra Kate DeMay, my twin sister is Andrea Katherine, my younger brother and sister are Neal and Niki," I said.

"You're... now it all makes sense. In school everyone thought you were a boy, and afraid of sports," the officer said.

"Until I left for college I didn't dare let anyone know the real me, but I assure you I have always been female," I said.

He blushed and said he'd make sure personally that David was gone.

I slid in the driver seat of the car and Marc slid in the passenger seat.

"I didn't plan on coming back here for a while," I said.

"I don't see the pickup here and since Erica gave me a ride into town I figured if you wouldn't mind I could ride home with you," Marc said.

"I see so I guess once I'm done with my running around we are going shopping for a car for me?" I asked.

"I imagine we could do that if you still have some running around to do," Marc said.

"I was thinking of going out to the prison and see if I might be able to talk to Snake," I said.

"You don't still want that tattoo do you?" Marc asked.

"Maybe I do, maybe I don't, that wasn't what I wanted to talk to Snake about at any rate," I said.

"Ok, I give up, what do you want to talk to Snake about?" Marc asked.

"I was thinking about talking to him about making sure someone received a warm welcome when they finally get out there. I wouldn't want them to feel like no one cared about them and I know Snake has the right connections that even if he gets parole before this person gets out there he'll still get a nice warm welcome," I said.

## Chapter 9

When Marc and I arrived at the prison we checked in and told them what we wanted. A few minutes later we were escorted to the wardens office.

"I didn't expect to see either of you back here," the warden said.

"We were hoping to talk to a friend we met while we were here on our little vacation," I said.

"A vacation that dam near killed you if I'm not mistaken Alex," the warden said.

"That was someone heres idea of protecting me," I said.

"There had been several threats after Marc left," the warden said.

"And rather than finding out if I could protect myself, or was able to find someone else willing to protect me you moved me into solitary where I had no one to talk to, and was only allowed out for one hour a day and never when someone else was out. I don't know if you have any idea just how lonely it can get being locked away from everyone so you have no contact at all, even the guards wouldn't talk to, or even make eye contact, with me," I said.

"So why are you both here?" the warden asked finally.

"We need to talk to someone, or I guess I should say I need to talk to someone," I said.

He looked at me, then at Marc who laid his FBI shield on the desk.

"I'm guessing this is official?" the warden asked.

"Only if it needs to be," Marc said.

"Can I at least ask who it is you want to talk to?" the warden asked.

"Clarence Whitaker," I said.

The warden shook his head at the mention of Snakes name. I could see the questions forming and ending all in a split second.

"Like I said we can make it official if need be warden," Marc said.

"There's no reason for that Marc. Mind if I ask what it is you want to talk to Clarence about?" the warden asked.

"You can always ask warden, but this time I'm afraid it's private, though it does have a little to do with his up coming parole hearing if he's willing to listen," I said.

The warden called down to the guard shack for the main building and told them to have Clarence Whitaker taken to one of the interrogation rooms, preferably the one without the two way mirror. He wanted to talk a little more and find out what it was Marc was doing when he was there as an inmate.

"I was investigating the justice system in this area for the Justice Department. We received several complaints about people who shouldn't have been arrested let alone convicted in the area. Warden from that investigation it was determined that all the abuse of the legal system was taking place outside the prison and you and your men with few exceptions were simply doing your jobs," Marc said.

"And Alex's part in it?" the warden asked.

"She was the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak," Marc said.

The warden showed us to the room we were going to be allowed. Before entering the room we thanked him for allowing us the visit and the privacy and waited for him to leave before entering.

When we walked in we excused the guard and told him we would let him know when we were done. He hesitated as though unsure and Marc and I both looked at him challenging him to try staying.

The guard left and we took a seat across the table from Snake.

"How you doing Snake?" I asked.

"Better now that I can see you're alright," Snake said.

"I have a favor to ask of you, I don't want you saying yes right away, and hope you'll take time to think about the request." I said.

"Alex there isn't much I wouldn't do for you. When I heard what they did to you I was furious and damn near got myself thrown in solitary," Snake said.

"Well I'm glad you didn't. The person that set me up, looks like they might be making a trip themselves and I was hoping you might be able to arrange a nice little welcoming party for them," I said.

"That sounds like fun. Any idea how long before they'll be on their way?" Snake asked.

"Right now we're still trying to come up with evidence to take the charges up from conspiracy to commit murder to first degree murder, along with the multitude of other charges they're facing. As it stands now they're out on bail, but if we can come up with the evidence the chances of them staying out until they go to court aren't good. We know for a fact they conspired to kill Marc's late wife and daughter, as well as filing the charges against me. We now suspect my oldest sisters death wasn't an accident, but also murder. Before coming out to talk to you I stopped by to offer him a chance at a plea bargain and he as much as told me he did arrange the murder of Ellen and Tammy and about six months ago also killed my sister," I said.

"I'm guessing this person has a name?" Snake asked.

"David DeMay, he's my oldest brother, and the one person in my family who isn't willing to admit he's ever done anything wrong. After all it's easier to blame everything on me than take responsibility for his own actions," I said.

"I think I can make sure he'll find his time here educational, even if I do get paroled before he gets here," Snake said.

"I do have one more thing to ask," I said.

"Like I said there isn't much I wouldn't do for you Alex," Snake said.

"You remember the tattoo you, Marc and I talked about? I was wondering what the price was you and Marc finally decided on?" I asked.

"Anything but that. The only time I ever tell someone that is after the tattoo is started, and you never got any of it so the price no longer matters," Snake said.

"And what if I still want the tattoo? Snake I'm not saying I want that tattoo, but I might be interested in something a little less degrading to me, and after seeing some of the tattoos you've done I want you to do any I might get," I said.

Snake looked at Marc and smiled.

"I take it she's still your girl?" Snake asked.

"We're engaged if that's what you mean," Marc said.

Snake again smiled which had me smiling. This man was someone I trusted at least as much as I did Marc. If there were any way of helping him I would do whatever it would take.

"Alex do you mind if Snake and I talk alone for a little while?" Marc asked.

I looked from Marc to Snake and back knowing whatever it was they wanted to talk about I was involved somehow. Did I really trust these two men, or did I just say I trusted them? I knew I loved Marc and if Marc weren't there Snake would have been my second choice, so in a way I loved Snake as well, but did I really trust either of them?

I stood up and walked to the door knocking lightly kind of hoping the guard on the other side wouldn't hear, but knowing he would.

I looked back at the two men I knew I loved more than any other and watched the door close leaving them on the other side.

I had been so sure of myself after beating both dad and David the first time, and at the moment it seemed like I needed one or the other of the two men on the other side of the door before I could do anything. Something was wrong with me I knew there was, but didn't know what it could be. I took out my phone and called the Pride Center. Maybe Kathy could help, though I had my doubts.

"Pride Center this is Jeff."

"Is Kathy there Jeff?" I asked.

He put me on hold and the guard gave me a dirty look as though wanting to know how I had gotten my phone past everyone.

"This is Kathy may I help you?" Kathy came on the line.

"I hope maybe you can explain something to me," I said.

"I can't if you don't give me a little more to go on than that," Kathy said and started laughing.

"Your just a barrel of laughs aren't you? Have you noticed that since I got home from the hospital I seem to need Marc to tell me what to do?" I asked.

"Not really, but if you do it's because you want him involved in your life so much you're afraid he might not understand if you don't talk to him before doing anything. I was the same way about Jennifer, at least until we got married and even now I feel I need her approval before I can do anything," Kathy said.

"So you don't think it will last once Marc and I are married?" I asked.

"I really don't know, but that isn't the problem is it?" Kathy asked.

"Not really. The real problem is there are two men I feel that way with and right now they're behind a closed door talking to each other. Kathy I feel completely comfortable with both of them, yet they both terrify me more than David ever did," I said.

"I'm guessing it's a different kind of terror. Alex, I'm not sure what it is you want. I know when I see you and Marc together there's a love that goes beyond anything I can imagine, a bond that appears to be deeper than what Jennifer and I share. Since I haven't ever met this other man I have no clue what there might be between you and him, and if I had to guess, I'd guess you've never even mentioned him to me before," Kathy said.

"I'm sure I've talked about someone called Snake before, haven't I?" I asked.

"Maybe with Niki or Neal, but not with me," Kathy said.

"Fine I'm telling you now, his real name is Clarence, but he prefers to be called Snake. He even has a tattoo of a python that covers his whole left side and another on his right side that looks like a rattle snake," I said.

"Which are you most interested in Alex? You know you can only have one at a time, and right now Marc is the more readily available, and from what I understand did the better job of protecting you," Kathy said.

"I accepted Marc's marriage proposal, that should answer your last question," I said.

I loved Marc not because he did a great job of protecting me while in prison, but I don't know how not to love him. He intruded on my thoughts almost constantly, but the intrusion is always welcome and makes me smile. I knew he would never ask something of me I wasn't able to give.

What about Snake though? Did I feel the same way about Snake, or was he just someone I respected and wanted to trust? He did intrude in my thoughts at times, but the thoughts didn't always bring a smile with them, not like the thoughts of Marc did.

If I could only choose one of them to love it would have to be Marc, but that didn't change that Snake was, and likely would always be, a good friend.

Before the door the men were on the other side of opened, Kathy updated me on everything she found while checking the finances of the Center. She said there was enough money we could afford a small paid staff, as long as that staff understood the pay wouldn't be much, at least until we could again get the contributions back up where they had been. I asked her to see anyone working there at the moment knew she was willing to accept them as paid staff if they were willing to accept whatever she set as a pay scale, at least until the Center could afford better, either through contribution or national support.

The door to the room Marc and Snake were in opened and both of them stood there looking at me as though they expected me to choose one of them over the other.

"Snake I love you as a friend, but I'm afraid only as a friend," I said.

He smiled at me and slapped Marc on the back, looking over to the guard before telling me he hope what I said would be something he could live with.

"I hope you can Snake, if Marc wasn't in my life maybe it could be different, but I love Marc with all I am, I just can't say that about you," I said.

Marc smiled bigger than I had seen him smile since meeting him and he gave Snake a slap on the back and walked over putting his arm around my waist and giving me a kiss.

Marc and I walked back out to our car and sat there as though waiting for something, something neither of us had a clue about.

"What you told Snake, did you really meant it?" Marc asked.

"Have you ever known me to say something I don't mean?" I asked turning to look at him.

"So if I hadn't been there..." Marc asked.

"I don't know what would have happened. Marc you introduced me to Snake and asked him to keep an eye on me if for some reason you couldn't be there. I know Snake did his best, but it seemed no one believed him capable of the same protection you were for me. The thing is, I always felt it was me protecting you not the other way around," I said.

Marc looked over at me one last time before starting the car.

"I got the same feeling when we were here together. Alex, I'm not sure it wasn't more you protecting me then me protecting you. I saw what you did to your brother, and wondered if we hadn't shown up when we did if you would have been able to do the same to those friends of his as well," Marc said.

"David doesn't learn anything the easy way and doesn't seem to understand it wasn't his fault he couldn't beat me like he did when we were little. In high school I took a kick boxing class that was offered, and one night when Kathy and I were getting ready for bed he came in our room and started to force himself on Kathy. I think he figured I wouldn't do anything since until then he had always been able to beat me up, but the more he tried to force Kathy the madder I got and I finally stood up to him and instead of him beating me as had always been the case before, I beat him. He sat up and I roundhouse kicked him in the jaw shattering his jaw and knocking him unconscious for a couple hours."

"Dad came in and seeing David laying on the floor out cold took me by the arm and dragged me to his room where he started beating me with his belt. I wasn't able to do anything for the first few blows, but after about the third blow of his belt I was angry enough I didn't care any longer and caught the belt on his forth swing and pulled the belt away from him sending him sprawling on the bed. I moved toward the door, but hadn't reached it before he recovered and started coming at me. I side stepped and he lost some of his balance trying to adjust and I kicked him in the ass sending him through the door into the hallway. As I stepped past him I told him if either he or David ever tried hurting any of my sisters again I'd kill them."

"After I left for college I took some martial arts classes and have a black belt in two forms, Tae Kwon Do and Judo. I don't think about someone attacking me I simply react. I would never use what I know to intentionally harm anyone, but I will use it to protect if I need too," I said.

Marc didn't say anything as I told him about how I gained the upper hand over my father and brother, why it was I might never trust either of them again, and why I didn't seem worried about David's friends before he and the police showed up at the house.

He pulled into a car dealership and walked around opening my door for me.

"You said you would like something a little less bulky to drive for the commute to the Pride Center," Marc said.

When I still didn't get out of the car he asked if there was a problem.

"The only problem is I swore I would never buy a car from these people and never thought you would try bringing me to this car lot to look for a car," I said.

He closed my door and walked back around the car to get behind the wheel again. Before he was able to get his door closed a salesman was standing by his door asking if he could show him anything.

"I'm sorry," Marc said, "but it seems my fiancée for some reason doesn't want to even look at any of your cars."

The salesman looked at me sitting in the passenger seat and acted like he didn't see me. Marc again tried to close his door only to have the salesman block it again.

I opened my door and stood up enough to look over the top of the car at the salesman.

"Aaron if you don't let my fiancée and I go I will come over there and do what I said I would the last time I was here. You made it plain you'd never sell me a car and since the car we're looking for is for me, you obviously don't have anything we might remotely be interested in," I said.

"I thought you were rotting in jail," Aaron said.

"So did a lot of other people, but since I don't happen to have a police record let alone anything that can even remotely tie me to any crimes I don't understand why they would think that," I said.

"Because you're a pervert," Aaron said.

Marc swung so fast, Aaron went down like a rock. I could only imagine the power that had to have been in that swing to have dropped Aaron so fast and so hard. Aaron didn't stir for about ten minutes and when he did he only moaned. With how fast he dropped and how long it took for him to come to, I wondered if perhaps Marc had broken his jaw.

"I'm going to sue you for that," Aaron said once he was able to do more than just moan.

"And perhaps I might counter sue for liable, I'm sure my lawyer is more than a match for any lawyer you can find," Marc said.

I gave him a look that told him he better have a lawyer better than me, because I knew nothing of this kind of law.

He winked back at me and the salesman turned and walked away. Aaron had no idea who Marc was other than he was my fiancée, and he knew I was a lawyer now.

We drove to another lot and I didn't want to get out of the car again.

"Is there any dealer in this town you like?" Marc asked.

"I just saw someone that knows me, or that knew me, but I'm not sure he would remember me since the last time I saw him he thought I was Kathy," I tried to explain.

He stood there holding the door for me, even reaching in and taking my hand. I turned my legs out of the car and stood. Marc put his arm around me and we started looking at the cars they had in the lot.

"If you want one like your last one we do have a brand new one in the show room and several others around back in various colors," a salesman said coming up behind us.

"What do you know about my last car?" I asked.

"I know it was a good little car that you took very good care of," the salesman said.

"I see so if it was such a great little car why would I need another one?" I asked.

"Probably because your little sister is now driving it," the salesman said.

"So tell me baby brother what car do you think could take the place of the one your little sister is driving?" I asked.

"Only if you answer a question for me first," Neal said.

"I need to know the question before I can give an answer," I said.

"You know Alex, you really can be a bitch sometimes," Neal said.

I stood there looking at my baby brother waiting for his question. Marc started to say something and I raised my hand stopping him.

"How long have you known? I've never told anyone," Neal said.

"Neal, you told me all but what name you like the day I gave you the promise to protect you from dad and David," I said.

I saw him thinking back to that day, a day that seemed a lifetime ago. A smile formed as the memories of that day started becoming clear to him and what I made him promise me in return.

I saw he still didn't see how he had told me about his desire, how he tried to hide that desire from me and thought he had since I hadn't said anything to give any indication I knew

"I still don't understand, but it seems you always knew what I wanted better than I did," Neal said.

"I didn't really know what it was you wanted, but did know what I wanted. That day you never said outright that you felt like everything was wrong, but I knew, because I knew the struggle I had knowing everything wasn't what it should have been," I said.

"I never told Niki what you did for us. I know she blamed you for the abuse we suffered at the hands of dad and David. The nights she spent crying wanting you to come back home because only you understood us and were able to stand up to dad and David. She never noticed how things changed when you came home the first time after leaving," Neal said.

After another twenty minutes we finally got around to him showing me the car he had been sitting on waiting for me to get free and come in for a new car. As soon as I saw the car I knew I wanted it, and gave him a big hug, tears running down my cheeks that he told his boss he knew someone who would want it and demanded at least two weeks before selling it to anyone.

In the office he pulled out the paperwork to sell me the car and I noticed most of it was already filled out.

"You knew I'd want that car, didn't you?" I demanded more than asked.

All I got in response was a smile and a pen so I could sign the sales contract.

"Alex, will you call me Nancy?" Neal asked.

"Of course I will if you're sure that's what you want," I said.

"It means your only brother is David," Nancy said.

"Yea, and there's a problem with that how?" I asked.

"You never disowned any of us did you?" Nancy asked.

"Why would I? Whether I like David, or not, he's still my brother, dad is still my father, even though he wasn't a very good father. Nancy we come from a very dysfunctional family, but they're still family, nothing can change that, especially not denying it," I said.

"So what am I supposed to do now?" Nancy asked.

"Live your life by what you know is right. Do the best you can to be the best person you can. Be yourself, the only person you can be," I said.

She gave me a dirty look as if trying to tell me she couldn't be herself because no one would accept her if she did.

"Nancy with me you can't be anyone but yourself, because if you tried I wouldn't trust you, it wouldn't be the same kind of not trusting as with dad and David, but it would still be a lack of trust," I said.

Nancy finished the paperwork and handed me the bill of sale and the keys for the car.

"Why don't you bring it out to me tonight when you come out for dinner? I'm sure if you talk to Niki she'd love to come out for dinner as well," I said setting the keys back on the desk.

I didn't wait for a reply before turning to Marc and seeing if he was ready to go.

## Chapter 10

Marc and I stopped back by the Pride Center before going home and found Kathy arguing with Jeff. I tried to figure out what the argument was about before getting involved and heard Kathy say something about outside organizations needing to pay their own costs if they hoped to be part of the Pride Fest as there wasn't nearly enough money for us to foot the bill for us and them.

Jeff saw me standing there and started to say something and I turned into my office letting them workout the problems they had.

"You aren't going to say anything?" Jeff asked standing in the door to my office.

"What am I supposed to say Jeff? Kathy knows more about the money we have available than I do, if she says there isn't enough to pay for anyone else I have no doubt there isn't enough. Any time I've been involved in getting the Pride Fest setup in the past other participants always paid their own way, I have no idea what you did the last two years, but if it doesn't follow what we've done in the past it isn't happening this year. I asked for your resignation because I can't take a chance of someone like Maude getting back in here again, so right now Kathy and I are the only board members left, and Kathy does have my full confidence," I said.

I noticed a stack of papers on my desk that hadn't been there when I left and saw they all had Kathy's initials on them, so picked them up and headed to her office.

Jeff was still standing in the door to my office and I gave him a questioning look.

"Is there something else Jeff?" I asked.

He stepped aside and shook his head turning back to the office he was using.

I stepped in Kathy's office and closed the door.

"He doesn't like that I'm keeping the books," Kathy said not looking up.

"He didn't like when Ellen did the books either. What are all these papers?" I asked holding out the stack of papers that had been on my desk.

"Financial statements for the last two years," Kathy said.

"So what am I supposed to do with them?" I asked.

"Neal was filing for me until he needed to go to work and was using your office after you left," Kathy said.

"She told me her name was Nancy," I said.

"She's terrified of coming out to mom and dad, from what she said she was terrified of coming out to you as well." Kathy said.

"I've known since before the time I came home after my first quarter of college, I guess I never let her know I knew," I said.

"You are good at hiding what you do and don't know," Kathy said smiling, almost laughing.

"I invited her to dinner tonight and suggested she bring Niki with," I said.

"Am I invited too?" Kathy asked.

"Of course your invited. Kathy I didn't give Nancy much choice about it unless she flat out refuses, I bought a new car from the lot she works at and asked her to deliver it when she comes for dinner," I said.

I started filing the papers that were stacked on my desk and noticed what Kathy said about possibly being able to pay token wages to those helping out. I insisted on seeing what Jeff had in the way of the Pride Fest and gave him a sideways look when he told me he didn't know if he would be able to get anyone else to contribute unless we were willing to pay the costs of their participation.

I told Jeff if what I had seen thus far was the best he could do he might as well go home and maybe tomorrow would be better.

I found my old Rolodex and started looking through it for organizations I thought might be interested in participating and started making calls. About the only thing Jeff had accomplished was in setting a date so I asked the person in the other organization if the date would work. With each phone call I was asked why we hadn't been willing to include them for the last two years. They would love to help in any way they could and they always footed the cost of things like the Pride Fest when they were allowed to participate.

For each call I made I realized the room we would need would be greater than any year previous. I set a schedule for Jeff that included finding somewhere big enough to handle a Pride Fest about double the size of the last one I had been involved in, then looked over at Marc still sitting in the chair by the door to my office.

"You ready to go home?" I asked.

When we pulled in the drive we saw Erica's car sitting where our car should have been, and no one in sight. Marc parked next to Erica's car and came around opening my door helping me out. The door to the house stood partially open and Marc drew his gun I hadn't even noticed he was carrying. He motioned for me to wait outside while he checked to insure there was no threat.

I gave him a dirty look and followed him through the door closing and locking it before sliding off to the opposite side Marc took. At the first door on the side I took I slid inside the room and dodged what appeared to be a knife flying through the air. I stepped back and heard someone grabbing for something else to throw, and slid into the room in more of a crouch making sure whoever it might be would have an even smaller target if they tried throwing something again.

The kitchen was next to the room I entered and a very open passageway lead from it to the room I was in. I found myself ducked behind the dining table and wondering how I was going to make it to whoever it was that seemed to be interested in trying to kill either Marc or myself. As yet I couldn't see who it was, but had a feeling I knew after what happened at mom and dads earlier in the day.

I saw a movement and judged what the chances might be of them being able to either throw something or shoot from the way they were moving and guessed the chances weren't in their favor, so took off toward the kitchen at a dead run and heard another knife fly past missing me by inches.

In the kitchen I was able to get to my knives so if possible I would be able to stop whoever it was since it was rare I ever missed what I threw at.

I saw movement and let the butcher knife fly hearing it sink into the cupboards where the movement had been. There was a gasp and I knew whoever it was, was now wounded and took the chance they were no longer able to do much more than try to stay awake.

When I walked over to the cabinet I saw the blood and followed the trail to the breakfast nook.

"Put your hands on the table palms up or the next knife is likely to go through your neck rather than just your arm," I said.

I stepped over closer to the table and saw what I knew would be there. Fear and pain were mixed in equal measure in the expression looking back at me.

I didn't waste any time tending to his injury since it wasn't as bad as he might want to believe though it was bad enough he wouldn't want to use his right arm for a while.

From the kitchen I headed for the bedrooms. At the first door I heard what sounded like someone tied up and struggling to get free. I didn't bother opening the door figuring if there was someone tied up in that room chances were who ever tied them up had moved on to another room.

At the next door I heard nothing, but since it was the shared restroom, for all but the master bedroom, I didn't really think I would hear much. The next room was the bigger of the two small bedrooms and again I heard what sounded like someone struggling to get free after having been tied up.

The laundry room or mudroom was next and I saw the door outside was open just a fraction as the front door had been and stepped into the room looking out the window to see if there was anyone out there. I pulled the door closed locking it and stepped back into the hallway. Only two rooms left and I didn't hear anything coming from either. The office had a lock that was still locked so that left the master bedroom and bath.

The door to the master bedroom was open just a crack giving me a view of the half of the room opposite the master bath and closets. It showed half of the bed I was sure I made that morning. I needed something and all my martial arts weapons were in the master bedroom in the closet.

I headed back toward the kitchen and saw Adam still sitting there trying to stem the bleeding of his right arm. Maybe I wounded him worse than I thought when I first saw him after throwing the butcher knife at him. I stepped over to him and kicked him in the head knocking him unconscious. I looked closer at his arm and noticed it was cut half way between his elbow and his shoulder and almost to the artery. I headed back to the guest bathroom and found some maxi pads and took one going back to the kitchen. I tore Adam's shirt to make a bandage and wrapped his arm tight enough to stem most of the bleeding. After getting his arm bandaged I tore a few more strips from his shirt and tied his hands and feet laying him on his back on the floor, then went over to the counter were the knives were kept and found them all gone. I looked around the floor in hopes of finding the ones Adam had thrown at me and again nothing. In the silverware drawer I did find all the table knives and grabbed them heading back to the master bedroom.

I hoped with the table knives I would be able to defend enough I could get to my sword or throwing stars in my closet, perhaps even the little .32 caliber automatic Marc gave me that had been Ellen's.

I gave the door a push hard enough to open it so I could see the whole room and saw nothing other than a messy bed. The bathroom door stood open and after looking in there and finding nothing went through my closet and found my sword and throwing stars, as well as the .32 caliber auto. After tucking the stars and gun into different places headed back for the bedrooms where I heard noises. On the way out of the master bedroom I locked the door pulling it closed.

I got back to the shared bathroom and locked the door pulling it closed before stopping at the bigger of the small bedrooms. The door was closed tight and there was no way of opening it without letting whoever might be in there know I was there. I stepped to the wall side of the door and turned the knob as slowly as I could in hopes of not alerting whoever was in the room of my presence.

When I felt the latch release I gave a quick push on the door and stood even farther to the side so the only thing anyone inside might see was my arm. I stepped back so I could see in the room and saw the mirror on the dresser. There was someone tied to the bed and someone else standing on the door side of the bed against the wall. It looked like they were holding something, but I couldn't tell what from the reflection. They were obviously watching the door though.

I didn't dare try the other door now until this room was dealt with since whoever it was could come out while my back was turned without me knowing in time to do anything. I stepped to where I knew the mirror picked me up and turned toward the other bedroom hoping whoever this person was would gain enough confidence to step out in the hall.

I took three steps so I was no longer in the mirror and turned just in time to see an arm come around the door frame holding a gun. I let go one of my throwing stars and the gun dropped on the floor and the hand darted back in the room.

I drew my sword out of its sheath and rolled in the room coming back to a crouch at the foot of the bed. The man who had stuck his hand out the door was cowering in a corner holding his hand crying like his world was ending. The person tied to the bed let out a small cry and I could tell it was a woman, but didn't yet know who she was, and at the moment it didn't really matter.

I took the man who was in the room, after taking my throwing star out of his arm made a bandage as I had done for Adam and tore the remainder of his shirt into strips to tie him up. Then I checked the woman laying on the bed and wanted to cry. How had David been able to get his hands on my little sister?

"Niki I need to know if you can tell me, how many more there are," I said.

"Alex they said they were going to kill you, they said they were going to kill all of us, but they seemed to want you the most. They said they were going to make you watch them rape me before they killed you. I don't understand Alex why do they hate you so much?" Niki asked.

"It's a long story Niki, one that when this is over I'll be glad to tell you, but for now I need to know how many of them are left," I said.

"I know there are a least three more. Adam, James and their father, along with David. Alex they were waiting for me when I got out of school," Niki said.

"You let me take care of this Niki. The last thing I need right now is you to get between the two left and me," I said cutting the bonds holding her.

So now I knew for sure David was involved in this and had likely dragged Adam and James into it with him. I wasn't sure those four were all that were involved, but they were the only ones Niki knew about and it looked like David and Dan were the last at least in the house, and there was only one more room they might be in on the main level of the house. I hoped Marc was taking care of the basement, because I needed to finish this floor before I could do anything about the basement.

This bedroom and the smaller one had a connecting door, but it was usually kept locked and if my memory was right the dresser in the other room was up against the door.

I moved the bed in front of the connecting door, then went back in the hall making sure both doors were locked. The last thing I wanted at the moment was to give anyone in the other room an easy escape, and didn't want them being able to get in with Niki easily.

In the hall I was getting ready to open the door and heard the doorbell. I let out a cuss at the timing but walked past the door and looked out front.

What now! Nancy was standing there on the front step with mom standing behind her.

I opened the door and let them in, but asked they not ask any questions at the moment, and please keep any noise to a minimum. The look I got from Nancy told me she understood something was wrong and she would do whatever I asked.

"Alex what's going on here?" Mom asked.

"When Marc and I got home his sisters car was in the parking place we park our car and the front door was open. According to Marc, Erica doesn't have a key to the house. Now if you can wait until we finish going through and making sure all the intruders are rounded up it would be helpful," I said.

I lead them to the bedroom with Niki in it and tapped on the door hoping Niki would at least answer it.

"Alex? Is that you?" Niki asked.

"Yes Niki it's me, can you open the door so Nancy and mom can come in there with you?" I asked.

The door opened and I ushered mom and Nancy inside telling them not to open the door until either Marc or I let them know it was safe to do so.

As soon as the door was again closed I tried the knob to make sure they locked it. At the other door I took out the .32 caliber and reached for the door nob stepping to the wall side and twisting and pushing in one motion. The door went flying open and I saw Erica stretched out on the bed. Both men sitting at the far wall with grins on their faces.

"If either of you move I'll put a bullet in both of you, and unlike with Adam and James I won't be shooting to wound," I said.

"I didn't know you had such a great sense of humor," David said and laughed even harder.

"You think I'm joking? I'm sure you think you have everything all nice and neat, that I don't have any kind of chance," I said.

They laughed even harder.

"That little pop gun of yours doesn't scare us Alex, on the other hand I have seen how you throw those stars of yours and unless you've sharpened them from what they were the one time I saw you throwing them they don't scare me much either. As I recall you couldn't even get them to stick in a cork board," David said.

"I'm sure James wishes they were those dull stars I started out with, then maybe he wouldn't be wishing they had been just a little sharper so they would have taken his hand off completely," I said.

With that both of them stopped laughing. I thought for a minute Dan was going to charge me.

"That would be an unwise thing to do Mr," Marc said coming up alongside me.

Marc walked in the room with his .38 caliber leveled at David. When he passed me he took my sword and at the bed quickly cut the ropes holding Erica.

"You two have one chance of walking out of here alive," Marc said. "You can turn your pockets inside out and kneel at the side of the bed reaching as far across the bed as you can and hold nice and still in that position while I pat you down and put handcuffs on you."

David started grinning and I heard a car pull up in the drive. I looked at Marc and he nodded for me to check out who it was while he made sure David and Dan didn't do anything but what they were told.

I looked out the window as two more cars pulled in the driveway all with sheriff markings.

I opened the door and told the first officers about Adam in the kitchen and James in the second bedroom, but chances were either Marc or I would need to let those inside the room with James know it was alright, or they wouldn't be able to get them to open the door.

Before long there were several police in the house and two ambulances called to transport Adam and James. Before the ambulances arrived David did something that didn't make any sense to anyone but me. He refused to allow the police to handcuff him and when one of the police tried to force him he reached for the policeman's gun yanking it out of the holster and firing off a shot into the wall next to where I was standing. Instinct took over and I let one of my throwing stars fly before he could shoot again. After I released the star I knew he wouldn't be leaving in anything but a body bag.

The star flew true and before David could move the star embedded itself in his neck cutting across his carotid artery and windpipe pumping blood into his windpipe and drowning him in his own blood. Marc looked over at me unsure what happened and I realized I was likely the one person he feared more than the thought of losing me to some gunman. He now feared what I truly was capable of, especially when he saw there was no fear or remorse in my eyes, fear from being shot at and remorse for having killed my brother so easily.

Niki tried coming in the room Marc the police and I were in, and was blocked by Nancy and mom. I sank to the floor holding my head in my hands sure I was going to be arrested and end up back in prison with no way out. I was guilty this time of killing unlike the last time, but if I hadn't let that throwing star fly when I did would it be me in the body bag instead of David? The tears were there just waiting to fall, but the thought I might end up back in jail was more than enough to keep them from falling.

No one noticed me slide to the floor and I sat there with my back against the wall no longer hearing or seeing anything, but the terror of living my life in solitary confinement again. I felt the cut as the star sank into my flesh and started moving up the inside of my arm. There really wasn't any pain involved only the feel of release knowing that never again would my sisters have to face the kind of abuse they had grown up with. The cutting edge of the star so sharp there was no resistance as it sank to the bone and started its journey toward my elbow.

I hoped Marc would understand, I hoped they all would understand. I couldn't go back to jail, just the thought of it was more then enough to make cutting my arms like this easy. As the star moved up my arm the skin closed behind it making it look like I hadn't done anything. A minute later the cuts were complete and I placed some of my weight on my arms opening the cuts in both arms enough the blood rushed out puddling around me. I looked up at Marc and felt only the love I had and smiled mouthing the words I love you as I felt fatigue start to take over and lost my balance and collapsed into the pool of blood surrounding me.

It was days later I woke again in the hospital, again tied to the bed with bandages on both arms.

"Why Alex? Why did you do it this time?" I heard the questions, but had no idea who asked them, or why. Why did I do what, and why was I laying in this hospital bed with bandages on my arms?

"It was closer this time than last time, why? Please help me understand," the question of why again, and still I didn't know who asked, or what they were asking. I knew the question was directed at me, but had no idea what it was about.

I tried to think and couldn't remember past when I was taken to solitary for what they said was my safety. Surely they knew I had a couple black belts in martial arts, and was more than capable of defending myself. Hadn't I already proven myself capable? Two weeks after the move I knew I wouldn't be able to take it much longer and also knew I was never going to be allowed back in population. Even the guards in solitary ignored me other than letting me out into the exercise yard for an hour.

I remembered devising a plan I would wait until lights out and take apart the razor I had and cut my wrists, surely death would be better than a life of no one to talk to. I needed Marc and he was out now, so couldn't risk contacting me until he was no longer on parole, or probation, and from what I heard through the grapevine before being transferred to solitary he would be on probation for the next two years.

Snake tried to step in as my protector, but with Marc gone I didn't care any longer, even in population I no longer cared, but at least not bad enough I wanted any escape I could find.

I tried to look around, and found I couldn't turn my head.

I felt a tear slip out of the corner of my eye, obviously I hadn't succeeded in ending the torture that marked my life. All I ever wanted was to be able to be myself and protect my sisters. Instead I got thrown in prison for a crime that never happened without any chance of ever seeing those I cared about most again, and having them believe I more than likely abandoned them.

I didn't see the point of them saving my life if they were never going to let me be a person rather than a caged animal. They should have just let me die so they didn't have to pay to keep me locked up any longer.

"I love you Alex, why did you do this?" I heard the question, but it felt like it was in my mind not asked by someone who really cared.

I felt another tear leak out and didn't see any reason to try holding any of them back any longer, all I really wanted was to be free, free from the knowledge I couldn't do anything to help my sisters, free from the knowledge that when and if I recovered I'd end up back in that little cell for the remainder of my life. All I wanted was to be free and that was something it seemed no one would allow me.

"Alex we love you," I heard the words and they sounded like more than one voice, they sounded like they came from all my sisters in unison.

I felt someone sit on the bed and lean over so I could finally see them.

"What is all this about sis, don't you remember we promised each other we would die on the same day?" Kathy asked staring in my eyes.

That promise was made a long time ago right after the movie Practical Magic came out. I smiled but didn't dare say anything. I saw love in her eyes and knew whatever I had done it didn't matter to her she would always love me.

"I know you aren't going to talk right now, but I want you to know even Niki knows what you've done for us since before you left for college," Kathy said.

Niki knew? Both Kathy and Neal promised me they would never tell Niki about the promise I made to always watch over them so they never suffered the kind of abuse Jesse did at the hands of our father and brother, and Neal would never have to suffer the kind I had at their hands.

I gave Kathy a look I hoped would show how hurt and betrayed I felt that she would tell Niki something she promised me she wouldn't.

"Alex you told Nancy to tell Niki, I only confirmed what was told," Kathy said.

Nancy? Who was Nancy? Is that the name Neal finally chose? Was he open now? I could only imagine what David and dad would think about that. Of course it would be all my fault, after all everything was my fault if it went against what they wanted.

Wait she said I told Nancy it was alright for her to tell Niki. I haven't talked to Neal, or Nancy, if that's what she is going by these days, since the day I made her promise not to tell Niki.

"Alex, David is dead, he broke into the house you and Marc were living in, and when they tried to arrest him he took an officers gun and shot at you once and was getting ready to shoot again, but you threw one of your throwing stars and it hit him in the neck severing his carotid artery and windpipe. The official cause of death was he drowned in his own blood," Kathy said.

David was dead, and I killed him? No I was in prison and hadn't seen Marc since he got his appeal and out for time served and two years probation. For what she was saying I would have had to have been released from prison and I didn't see that happening unless someone with a great deal of influence were to get involved and show the trial I had gone through as the joke it was.

I frowned and tried to shake my head hoping she would say something that made sense.

She started saying something else and I was gone again.

When I woke again I did so to an empty room. I tried to remember what was going on, and why I was in the hospital instead of dead.

For the two weeks I had been in solitary the guards locked up all the cells and we were supposed to not make any noise, starting at nine pm. They would make one round ten minutes after lights out, then not bother checking on us again until morning.

I waited twenty minutes after the guard made his rounds after lights out, and took apart the razor I had and cut my arms open. If this was all there was for me now it would be better for everyone if I no longer existed. I sat there on my bed and then woke in the hospital unable to move with bandages on both arms.

I saw no point in living if all life held was a little five by seven cell I was only allowed out of for an hour a day and only if no one else was out. Of course there were other inmates in the same cell block, but they never talked to me. They did on occasion make some kind of remark about me being a pervert or sick for wanting to be myself. Most of them were allowed the hour with others out as well, but even in their little cliques I was still the oddball out. The one they all said they would beat up if they ever let me out of my cell when they were out of theirs.

Alone again. At least this time I could turn my head and look around, but my arms and legs were still bound so I couldn't move much at all. I raised my head and looked around the room as well as I could and noticed I was still in the hospital.

I vaguely remembered some psychiatrist coming in and telling me nothing could be bad enough to want to die and me telling him I didn't need his psycho-babble, that if he thought he could hold up through what I had he wouldn't last nearly as long before he understood just how much dying seemed like a good option.

I remembered some idiot trying to peddle their religion to me come in and tell me how great their god was and then tell me I deserved hell if I couldn't confess my sins and accept their god as the only god. I knew I sent them running wondering just what kind of person I could be to so callously dismiss their god without hearing them out in their praise of how righteous they themselves were. How their god had protected them through so many trials. Right their god protected them my ass, this person knew nothing of pain and suffering and more than likely was guilty of inflicting the kind I did know about personally, they proved as much when they called me a sinner of the worst sort simply because I wanted to be who I knew I was.

I tried to remember beyond that and drew a blank. Kathy said I killed David in self defense that I had thrown one of my stars hitting him in the neck and severing his carotid artery and windpipe causing him to drown in his own blood. David knew I learned at least one form of martial arts and had even seen me practicing with my stars when I was first learning how to use them. He even laughed at me because I missed where I wanted to hit more times than not and they almost never stuck in the wood I used for a target. What he didn't know was I had completed the training and with each level of advancement had sharpened the stars until they were sharper than most razors, and I almost never missed my mark on the target even embedding the stars deep enough to make two of the points invisible.

She said I killed him in self defense, surely there was another alternative. There was almost always an alternative to killing someone.

The bullet hit the wall just inches from where I stood and no one moved but David. I had one of my stars in hand and out of reflex let it fly before David was able to take better aim. My star hit him exactly where I aimed, embedding itself deep in his neck. The gun he held fell to the floor followed a short time later by him. I knew he was dead the moment the star left my hand, I knew the path the star would travel I had learned to create the path in my mind long before letting the star fly.

Marc looked over to me like he wasn't sure what happened fear deep in his eyes. Fear all aimed in my direction. He seemed genuinely terrified and the terror was all aimed at me. The one person I thought could love me, and now he was terrified of me. I slid to the floor taking another star and using it like a knife sank one of the points into my wrist and drew it up to my elbow, taking it out and doing the same to the other arm. So little blood and if I was going to die to show Marc he had no reason to fear me I was going to need to open the cuts farther so the blood would leave me and I would be harmless to anyone. I propped myself up a little with one arm and watched as the cut opened from the pressure on my arm, so set my other hand on the floor in like manner lifting myself just enough the cuts in both arms were open and letting the blood flow freely. I looked over where Marc was and saw him look at me one last time and said I love you just before everything went black and I fell into a fetal position.

So this was my second attempt and this time because the person I loved was afraid of me. I started crying. All I wanted was to be loved and now the man I loved was afraid of me because I did what no one else seemed capable of doing and stopped the real monster from my family. How many years had David tortured my sisters and me with no one willing to help?

I took a kick-boxing class my senior year in high school hoping maybe I would be able to do what no one else would and stop the abuse. About half way through the school year David came in mine and Kathy's room and started trying to force himself on Kathy while he thought I would sit idylly by and let him do whatever he wanted. I hit him in the back with my full weight sending him sprawling on the bed. When he recovered he charged me and I gave a roundhouse kick catching him in the jaw shattering his jaw.

Dad came in almost immediately after I gave David the kick and grabbed my arm dragging me to his room and started hitting me with his belt. After the third time of him hitting me I moved so he over committed on his next swing and I was able to kick him backward onto his bed. He recovered almost immediately and charged at me raw anger showing in his face. I side stepped him and gave another roundhouse kick hitting him in the ass increasing his momentum and he crashed through the door landing face down in the hallway.

I stood there looking down at him and told him if either he or David ever touched me or my sisters again I would kill them, and walked back to my room.

Nothing was said and David steered a wide path around me until I left to go to college.

"I see you're awake again," a nurse said coming in my room.

"I never expected to wakeup," I said.

The nurse didn't say anything only shook her head in understanding.

"I guess I've had a few visitors?" I asked nodding to all the flowers in the room.

"From what I understand mostly all family," the nurse replied.

All family. So Marc hadn't come by. I scared him enough he no longer cared about me. All I wanted was for him to be proud of me. The fear in his eyes stood out in my mind when I looked at him after releasing that star that killed David.

"I do have to say I don't think any of them have spent nearly as much time sitting here with you as your husband," the nurse added as an after thought.

My husband? I wasn't married and while I loved Marc and wanted more than anything to be his wife I couldn't until after I was fully female, in my mind that meant having surgery.

I closed my eyes and was gone into sleep again. I had no idea how long I had been in the hospital, but when I woke again all I could think about was going home.

I was sure I was still tied to the bed and wanted to cry because I wanted to roll onto my side. Both arms were so heavily bandaged I couldn't move them even if the restraints weren't holding me.

"Good morning beautiful," Marc said.

I heard his voice and knew I was only dreaming. The man the voice belonged to was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but the terror in his eyes that day scared me.

"Are you feeling up to eating some real food?" Marc asked.

I turned my head in the direction of the voice and smiled when his face came into view. All the fear was still there, but love was there as well.

"I thought you were afraid of what kind of monster I might be after I threw that star at David," I said.

"The fear wasn't of you, but that you might have been hurt. Alex ever since we met I was afraid someone might hurt you and I wouldn't be able to stop them," Marc said.

"It seems the only person to hurt me, is me," I said.

"That isn't true! There have been so many people who have hurt you, dying seems a better alternative than taking a chance of hurting someone to you. I don't think you could ever hurt me unless I lost you, and I was sure I had this time," Marc said.

"I was afraid they might try putting me back in that cage again," I said.

"With how many people saw what happened there was no chance of that happening. You were the only one who reacted when he took that gun from the officer, when you sank to the floor we were all sure the shot he got off hit you," Marc said.

"I threw the star because he was getting ready to shoot again, only this time aiming not just pointing. I didn't think about throwing that star I just threw it," I said.

He smiled that I could have trained hard enough the actions were second nature. I smiled seeing his smile because all I wanted was for him to smile. He was so beautiful when he smiled.

I finally noticed I wasn't tied down to the bed any longer and wondered just how long I had been asleep, but didn't want to ask.

I rolled onto my side and quickly back on my back when my weight went on my arm causing a sharp pain.

"I think I'll have to forgo the real food for now unless you smuggled some in with you," I said once I could think again.

## Chapter 11

I was in the hospital for two weeks before the doctors would let me out, for my own safety, so they said, and even then they weren't sure about letting me out since this was my second suicide attempt in less that six months.

The day I was finally able to go back home everyone in the family met at the house and I drew back not wanting to enter the house. There wasn't a reason I could define, but going in the house just felt wrong.

Was that feeling of wrong because of what happened here the last time I was here? I doubt I'll ever really understand.

I went over to the barn instead of going in the house and the wrong feeling went away as I leaned against the fence to a pasture that the last I knew didn't have any animals grazing it.

"We did all we could to remove anything that might bring that day back for you," Kathy said leaning against the fence with me.

"I'm just not ready to go in the house yet," I said staring off across the pasture not really seeing anything. "Do you remember telling me Niki knew about the promise you made me when we were still in high school?"

"I remember, and I remember the look of betrayal on your face as well," Kathy replied.

"I felt betrayed because I didn't remember the time between when I got out of prison and when I woke up in the hospital this time," I said.

"So why did you try killing yourself again?" Kathy asked.

"When I let that star go I knew where it was going and what the results would be. I looked at Marc and all I saw was fear in his eyes and felt fear that they might try putting me back in prison. Before I had been there on false charges, but this time I really had killed someone and there were so many witnesses. Between the fear I saw in Marc and the fear I felt I just wanted to die so no one else would fear me, or hurt me," I said.

"From what I heard he shot at you before you threw that star," Kathy said.

"Kathy I don't think you understand. It didn't matter he shot at me first, it mattered I was the one who killed him. How many times do you remember me telling him I would kill him?" I asked.

She didn't say anything, she had been there the first time I told David and dad if they ever did anything to hurt my sisters I would kill them. We stood there watching over the pasture lost in our own thoughts. I wanted to fill this pasture with horses and milk cows, or maybe beef cows, but that hadn't happened yet, and now I wasn't sure it ever would.

I stood there not seeing much of anything, but the memory of that day. Each of the events of the day played through my mind, and I felt something nudge my shoulder drawing me out of the memory and back into the present.

I gasped as the horse nudged my shoulder again.

"Marc said you wanted to fill this pasture with horses and cows," Kathy said.

I looked over at my sister who stood there smiling.

"Nancy, Niki and I all went together and bought you this horse and the stuff to go with so you could ride it," Kathy said.

I had tears running down both cheeks. They knew I loved animals and generally got along better with animals than I did people.

The horse nudged my shoulder again and the tears started flowing harder.

"You've never been riding have you?" Kathy asked.

I just shook my head. I dreamed of riding as long as I could remember, but the opportunity for me to go riding never happened.

I reached out and started scratching the horse on the forehead and it took another step toward me and I laid my head against its neck. Kathy said they bought all the tack for riding and at the moment I didn't care. This horse seemed to understand me and I wanted to escape the memories.

I climbed the fence and slid on the horses back and off we went. I didn't worry about falling off, the connection I felt with the horse said he wouldn't let anything happen to me.

I rode across the pasture and the horse stopped waiting for me to get down. I looked him in the eye and smiled with the thought of getting several more horses so he would have plenty of company. I looked out over the property wondering just how big it was. From where I was I couldn't see the house and for me that was fine, the house was somewhere I didn't want to be at the moment, though I did kind of wish Marc were out here with me.

The closest fence wasn't far and there were several cows on the other side. I wasn't sure if the property the cows were on was Erica's and for now it didn't really matter, I didn't plan on going across the fence anyway.

I sat down on the ground and watched the horse graze the grass in the area and fell into a dream of things being how they should have been. I was Alexandra a genetic woman in love with a man so special and so capable, his only fear was something might hurt his wife and children.

I didn't know what time it was when I got on the horse, but knew if I didn't start back soon it would be dark before we got back. Strangely that didn't bother me if life out here could be as peaceful as it had been before that day.

I stood up and the horse came over bumping my shoulder letting me know he was ready to go back.

"I guess it is time I face my fear and stop worrying about the world coming to an end," I said.

The horse gave me another nudge and I climbed on his back and we were off again this time headed toward the house.

When we came back in view of the house I nudged him toward the barn and he turned in the direction I wanted. At the barn I slid off his back and found an apple and held it out to him.

"You really should brush her down," Marc said picking up a curry and starting at her neck.

"Thank you for allowing me the time," I said.

"For some reason the house scares you now, doesn't it?" Marc asked.

"I don't know, all I know is when we got here I couldn't go in the house, now I think maybe I can," I said.

I found another brush that looked much like the one Marc was using and started brushing the other side of the horse.

"We don't have to live here if you'd rather not," Marc said.

I looked up from where I was brushing the horse a tear rolling down my cheek.

"I... from the first time I stepped foot in the house I knew this was were I hoped to raise any children I might have. Marc when we got here I was lost in the past still. That little ride got me to look at the future and remember I don't live in either place. The past can't hurt me unless I let it, and the future is totally unknown so the best I can do is prepare for what I think it might hold," I said.

He smiled at me and we finished brushing the horse in silence. We entered the house together and I felt the panic start and stopped just inside the door.

"Are you sure your up to this?" Marc asked.

"I know I'm not, but if I don't do it now I may never be able to," I said.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly and took another step into the house and felt the panic ease. The past could only hurt me if I let it, and I wasn't one to give into something if there were another way. I loved this house and wanted to live here, to raise my children here, to make love to my husband here.

I took another deep breath and walked in the house, the feeling of dread dissipating with each step.

I didn't want to press to fast, but needed to know if the bedrooms were somewhere I could manage. I stepped in the kitchen and nothing, but that wasn't where I killed a man, or where I tried to take my own life. From the kitchen I turned to the hallway and waited to see if the panic would start again with just the thought of going toward the bedrooms.

I needed to use the restroom and the only restrooms in the house were by the bedrooms, so I took a step in that direction and felt no panic so took another step and another until I reached the master bedroom and turned in heading for the restroom.

In the past I used the other restroom unless I needed to be in the master bedroom for some reason, or was taking a shower, or bath.

I looked in my closet and saw my throwing stars and sword back where I kept them and smiled at the thought of learning to use them. At first I was so bad I couldn't hit anything with the stars, and the sword would have made a better bat than anything, and I was much better using it as a bat than as the sword it was.

I opened the drawer that held the .32 auto and there it sat. I reached in and pulled my hand back unable to touch it. Marc put his arm around my shoulders and took the .32 auto out of the drawer tucking it in his belt.

"I'm sorry my stars and sword are defensive and don't seem to bother me, but that little thing scares the hell out of me because while it can be defensive it isn't as forgiving as the stars or the sword," I said.

He gave me a funny look I'm sure because it had been one of my stars I used to kill David, yet it was the gun I saw as the big problem. Perhaps he had forgotten me telling him I didn't want the gun in the first place.

In my mind the stars and sword were defensive because that was the only way I ever used them, but when I entered that room it was holding the gun with the intent of shooting if necessary and the simplest movement would have been the necessary catalyst.

I fingered through all my martial arts tools and smiled knowing as long as I had them there was little I couldn't do to protect those I was determined to protect. I was going to figure a way of carrying some of my stars with me for emergencies. What if they hadn't been where they belong that day? It wouldn't take much to insure I had some of them on my person at all times when out and about.

I closed the closet and started back toward the kitchen stopping outside the door where I found Niki. I opened the door and stepped in the room looking around. The door connecting this room with the other bedroom needed to be accessible, but now was not the time. I looked at the floor where the man had been standing over Niki and later crouched after I embedded a star in his arm. Any distress I thought might exist never developed and I walked out of the room leaving the door standing open.

At the door to the room David died in I paused and left the door untouched finishing the trek back to the kitchen.

Food was a must and the room I felt the most dread over could wait. There was no rush, and just being back in the house was an accomplishment I wasn't sure I would ever meet.

There were several containers full that hadn't been there the last time I was home. What was in them was anyones guess, and tonight I didn't care to find out. I had a feeling most of it was stuff I would end up tossing because it was either unrecognizable or spoiled, and possibly even both. Marc wasn't self sufficient in fixing healthy meals and likely as not brought home takeout after his visits in town.

I fixed something that was quick and easy from some of the things I could figure out and forgot about all the company we had because I had been so tense about whether, or not I would even be able to enter the house.

Kathy and Niki came in as I was finishing fixing enough for Marc and I, and I sat in one of the breakfast nook chairs and started crying.

"You don't have to do this alone Alex," Niki said.

I looked up at my little sister and cried even more. I knew she didn't understand, I couldn't see how anyone could, but I knew she just wanted to let me know I wasn't alone.

"Alex you carried the burden alone for so long, now you don't have to any longer, we all know how hard it has been for you," Kathy said.

"Do you Kathy? Do you really have any idea how hard it was? If you're willing to share the burden why won't you tell Marc about what they did to you? The only reason I know is because I was there, and every time they touched you it tore me apart, it set my resolve deeper that one day I would be able to do what no one else wanted to do and give protection to all my sisters. I made promises I didn't know how I would be able to keep, but lived with the knowledge that there would be someone who could keep those promises for me, and you've refused to share with them any part of what those promises were," I cried.

Niki looked at me and finally realized how hard it was for me to be stripped of everything, of how little she knew of why she hadn't suffered the way Jessica had. It wasn't because she was any better than Jessica, but because by the time she was old enough to face that kind of abuse I was strong enough to protect her from it.

"Alex I didn't know, I... I feel horrible for what I said to you. If I had known..." Niki tried to apologize.

"You didn't know because there was no reason for you to know. Niki, all I cared was that you were safe, that you had chances none of the rest of us did, that to me meant keeping you in the dark as much as possible, those things you said were said because you didn't know the whole truth, and now that you do know you've shown it was because you hurt the same as the rest of us and I was the only one you had ever seen stand up to David and dad," I said.

Neither Kathy, nor Niki, said anything, as though there should have been something they could say. I hated being so blunt with them, because it made it seem I didn't care and that was a lie bigger than any I had ever heard. It was because I did care I watched over them making sure they had a chance and never had to face what Jessica did. It was because I did care so much I faced horrors they didn't know about because I knew I was strong enough and they weren't.

But was I really strong enough, had I managed to come through the nightmare without it affecting me as much as it did them? I didn't know anymore and that scared me as much, or more, than anything.

The file I gave Marc about my past didn't even scratch the surface of the horrors that had been my life trying to protect my sisters even Jessica. I never knew what caused Jessica to break, but I knew she did break, and I remembered well the day she did. I remembered holding her, and her telling me she couldn't take anymore, and hoping she would die. She asked me to make sure our younger sisters never had to face the abuse like she had. She knew I was watching over Kathy and Niki, even Neal, and knew I would take all the abuse her and I had been given and more if it meant they never had to suffer it.

Kathy knew about the beatings, I couldn't hide that part of the abuse from her because we shared a room and there were many nights she would hold me and beg me to hold on because she loved me. She saw the bruises and knew how much I hurt when she touched them, but she didn't know about the rest, she didn't know how many times David raped me before he finally begged to let Jessica be in his room rather than me. No one knew that part, and no one would ever know that part. That David's friends would come over and together they would force me to dress in either Jessica's or Kathy's clothes, and then rape me until they had enough, and I was bleeding.

I tried to talk to dad about it and he said I needed to man up and accept that until I was big enough to stop David on my own it was going to happen, and there wasn't anything he could do about it. When I tried to talk to mom about it, I got much the same response. Grandma and grandpa on both sides weren't any better, so I knew I was on my own and if I didn't want my sisters to suffer the same, it was up to me to be strong until I was able to stop it because no one else would.

When Jessica was moved into David's room I knew there was no longer anything I could do to protect her from David. It wasn't I didn't want to, but at night I wasn't able to take the abuse so she didn't have to.

No one knew, and no one would ever know the full extent of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my father and brother, and their ever so precious, church. No one would ever know about my father dressing me up in dresses so short the panties he wanted me to wear would show just standing there. No one would ever know how he would take me to see some of the leaders in his church dressed that way and encourage them to rape me, and even raped me himself.

No one would ever know when I was only a child and hadn't even reached puberty yet. I would never tell anyone my father pimped me as a whore from the time I turned eight, until the day I broke David's jaw, and humiliated him, by telling him if he ever touched my sisters or me again I would kill him.

Marc thought it strange I refused to talk to my father when he called after I got out of prison, but he didn't know about the worst of the abuse and never would, because I would never tell anyone.

My life had been dedicated to the protection of my younger brother and sisters, and now the worst of those who would abuse them was dead, and I killed him. I felt I was becoming the monster he had been only worse because I was capable of murder and he wasn't, he had to have others do the killing for him, but I did it on my own.

I pulled Niki into my lap and told her I loved her and would always look out for what was best for her, regardless of how it might affect me personally.

Kathy pulled a chair up next to me and put her arm around my shoulders resting her head on my shoulder. The tears still ran down my cheeks, but I didn't feel so alone any longer. Nancy came in and seeing the three of us sitting like we were came over and pulled another chair up on the other side of me and like Kathy laid her head on my shoulder. I heard Marc come in and walk back out almost as fast. He returned a short time later with a camera and took several pictures of the four of us all seated together with all my sisters giving me a hug and me sitting there giving them what comfort I could with the energy I had left.

I felt so lost for so long, knowing I couldn't hold up for much longer and wishing I could be as strong as I had been before I found myself in prison for a crime that never happened. I don't think anyone knew just how much that time in prison affected me, how weak I felt because I could no longer give the protection my sisters needed. So many things that lead up to that first attempted suicide, and all of those combined with the fear I saw in Marc that day along with the fear I felt in my heart I might end up back in prison, this time for killing someone who had proven themself less than human on numerous occasions. I hoped I would never again feel like I wasn't worthy of living because everything I did amounted to nothing in the end, all because I wasn't able to insure those I knew to be of great value wouldn't be treated as shit by those who had no redeeming value in how they lived their lives.

Mom followed Marc in the kitchen and seeing all her living daughters sitting so close seemed to affect her in ways I didn't understand. I saw the tears on her cheeks and noticed her look down as if unworthy that she could call each of us her daughters.

I tried to move and felt Kathy and Nancy move so I could, but Niki didn't move and I wasn't able to get up with her sitting in my lap as she was.

"Niki, can you let me up, please?" I asked.

She raised her head and smiled at me. For a strange reason I felt more like a mother to my sisters at the moment than I did a sister and I needed to change that, we had a mother and I wasn't her.

Niki stood up allowing me to stand as well. I walked over to mom and put my arm around her shoulders and pulled her into a hug.

"The protection I gave the others was for you too mom," I said.

"I know Alex, your father told me." Mom said.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of. You did what you could for us and knew you'd never be able to give the kind of protection I gave the last few years," I said.

"You don't understand Alex, I could have walk away taking you kids with when it all started. I'm as guilty as your father for letting it get so out of hand. That you were all so abused," Mom said.

"You weren't the only one who could have done something and didn't," I said. "I tried to tell grandma and grandpa and was told I needed to grow up and stop being such a baby about things."

Mom gave me a horrified look. She knew she had been suckered in on letting her children be hurt, but hadn't been aware either her, or dads parents had. I just said the one thing that gave her a clue to how badly I had been abused at the hands of my father and brother. It seemed mom knew about the beatings I got from both of them, but not everything else, and if she didn't know about the rest there wasn't any point in me telling her.

"Did you know your father was abused by those people after you stopped him the first time?" Mom asked.

"What do you mean?" I demanded.

"After you stood up to him, and told him if he ever touched you or your sisters again you would kill him, the people behind it all made him take the place of your sisters and I," Mom said.

I felt the bile rising and tried to run for the restroom. The memory of what they had done to me fresh in my mind, and to think after I refused with force the one I blamed became the abused. Just the thought of it was sickening.

I hoped no one would get in the way of were I needed to be and ran through the house as fast as I could. The restroom was clear and I landed on my knees in front of the commode bending forward and letting it go. That whole time my father had done those things to my sisters and I was because he didn't have a choice because he wasn't strong enough to stand up to those who would claim to speak for a god they didn't believe in. The fight wasn't over for me and I still needed to be strong, or my family might pay for my weakness.

I stood up and washed my face in cold water. Marc standing in the door with everyone behind him wondering what happened that made me so sick so fast.

I saw Kathy standing there and asked how long before she said anything? How much longer before someone other than her and I knew the depths of the abuse she suffered? Nancy looked at me and I asked her the same thing. "You've said I don't have to do this alone any longer, yet Niki is the only one other than myself to tell someone outside of the family what they've been through. If I don't have to do it alone then help me. Don't hide from the truth, but embrace it," I said.

Both Kathy and Nancy turned away. I looked at Niki and smiled to let her know I loved her. Mom didn't look away, but it was the guilt she had, she never said anything before.

After what mom told me I had other plans and this time those plans just might earn me a prison cell though in this case that didn't bother me in the slightest. Those people damaged every member of my family, and all for their baser desires that marked them as nothing but predatory animals unworthy of a life. I intended to go hunting for a species that needed to become extinct.

Kathy cornered Marc and I wondered what she told him, but it wasn't up to me to find out. If she wanted me to know she would tell me, or if Marc thought I should know he would tell me. I hoped it was that she was finally ready to tell someone about the abuse she lived through. I was sure she didn't know about everything I had been through and hoped any of it she might know she wouldn't tell unless he asked questions to get her confirmation, and then only enough to confirm what I told him.

I started making a list of names of those who had been there all those times I was abused. Would I be able to find all of them and confront them for the atrocities they committed against me and others in the name of their god? What would they give for an excuse? They knew what they were doing was wrong, they knew it went against the very nature of decency. Those people, how hard it was to think of them as anything more than depraved animals, knew what they were doing was against human nature itself, and they had the gall to say it was commanded by god. Those people were beyond sick, there was no redeeming grace in any of them, and they had the nerve to put me in prison for a crime that never happened.

I went back in my room and looked over my martial arts tools, making sure they were all sharp and in good condition.

"A penny for your thoughts," Marc said coming up behind me.

"I doubt they're worth that much," I said.

"Is there a reason your going though those things so carefully?" Marc asked.

"Did you hear what my mother told me?" I asked.

"Not really, but from your reaction I can make a good guess," Marc said.

"You might be able to make a guess, but I doubt you could even come close to the truth," I said.

"I'm guessing the abuse you suffered was at the hands of someone other than your father," Marc said.

"No, the abuse was at the hands of my father, but it may not have been his idea, and the day I stood up to him he paid a heavier price than I knew about," I said.

"And now your thinking of going after those who convinced your father it was a good idea?" Marc asked.

"Now I'm checking my stars and sword to make sure they're in good repair," I said.

"Kathy said she wants to tell me about the abuse she suffered," Marc said.

"I'm glad to hear that, I think it will do both of you some good," I said.

"You really think her telling me will help?" Marc asked.

"Marc you're still a law enforcement officer, what she tells you should be noted so the right authorities can take whatever action is appropriate so no one else has to suffer the same kind of abuse," I said.

"And what about you Alex? When are you going to tell me about all the abuse you suffered? I'm not saying what you have shared wouldn't be more than enough for anyone, but I know it's only the surface of what you've been through. It doesn't talk about any of the sexual abuse you've been through," Marc said.

"Why do you think I suffered sexual abuse? I was always thought to be a boy growing up and boys had privilege girls didn't, one of which was not to be abused sexually," I said.

"I'm not going to try forcing anything here Alex, I doubt I could even if I wanted to," Marc said.

"I'm glad your smart enough to allow me this, maybe that's why I love you so much," I said.

I turned around in his arms wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Maybe one day I'll be able to tell everything, but for now trying to remember is too hard," I said, and gave him a kiss.

## Chapter 12

The names came slowly at first, but finding the people wasn't hard at all. The first name on my list was the man my father reported to regularly and I knew both where he lived and where he worked. I chose to try visiting him first at his home, but his wife refused to give him my messages and always said he wasn't home when I tried to stop by. It didn't matter that I stepped on his porch even before the door closed from him walking through it.

I wasn't one to give up easily so called his place of work and asked if there was any chance of scheduling an appointment to meet with him. The fact I used my title as an attorney might have scared his employer into scheduling the appointment for the following day, but I didn't care. This man was one of the many who had abused me when I was a child and I had every intention of making him pay for the crimes he committed.

"Miss DeMay if you'll wait in the conference room we'll see he is with you shortly," the receptionist said when I introduced myself.

I stepped in the room she indicated and noticed it had a two way mirror that allowed the person in the room to see out, but didn't allow anyone to see in.

I took a seat with my back to the door and spent the time waiting setting out some note pads and other things to make it appear I was there for some legal matter.

When he walked in the room I didn't move waiting for him to take a seat.

"You? They said there was a lawyer that wanted to talk to me," he said not sitting.

"That's because I gave them my legal title. For the record I am a lawyer now, and have been for about ten years. While I haven't actually practiced law in the last five years I am still a bar registered lawyer. In the past I practiced constitutional and contract law, but I am able to handle criminal law as well," I said.

Fear entered his eyes as he fell into the chair opposite me.

"I'm here to make you an offer. You can confess what you did to my family of your own accord, naming others who were involved, or I'm sure you understand I can and will make sure word gets around of what I know from first hand experience about the kind of person you really are," I said.

"You don't have any idea what they would do to me if I did that," he said.

"I think I can guess. I'm pretty sure it would be very similar to what was done to my father when he showed up without me or one of my sisters, that day about seventeen years ago," I said.

He looked horrified that I knew about that.

"The choice is yours, but I can assure you, your name will be placed on a list of people who can't do anything private any longer and will remain there for the rest of your life. If however you're willing to cooperate I can and will see that your time in prison isn't as bad as it could be, since I do have several friends in prison, thanks to you and those your protecting," I said.

"Your going to call the police and have me arrested, aren't you," he asked.

"Actually I'm hoping you'll be willing to turn yourself in and give the names of the others involved in this. You do that and it might not cost you as much as you might think," I said.

"Why should I trust you?" he asked.

"Why shouldn't you trust me? Have I ever done anything that caused you not to trust me? Am I the one who abused children sexually? Am I the one who preached modesty and demanded anything but from certain people? You tell me what reason you have for not trusting me. I've come here to talk and hopefully get you to see just what it is you've done. The day my father showed up without either me or one of my sisters was because I kicked his ass for all the abuse we suffered, so he didn't dare take one of us. He came to fear me more than what you and others would do to him," I said.

My phone rang and when I answered it I did so with my lawyer response I hadn't used in almost five years.

The call was the police telling me my father was there turning himself in and would need bail and a lawyer.

I let them know I would find both and hung up.

"Mr Giles you have until my fathers bail is set to take advantage of the offer I've made, if you haven't turned yourself in by then, I have no doubt there will be an arrest warrant out for you and several others. Once that happens you can either cooperate with the authorities, or you'll be on your own when you get to prison, and your family will suffer the humiliation of what you've done," I said.

"Your father went to the police?" Mr Giles asked.

"That call was to let me know he has turned himself in and will need a lawyer and possibly bail," I said.

"Please I need time to think about this," Mr Giles said.

"You have until my fathers bail is set. If you haven't decided by then there isn't anything I can do, unless you're willing to cooperate and give the names of the others involved and how many other families you all have done the same thing to," I said.

I stood up and turned to the door.

"Can I at least call my wife?" Mr Giles asked.

"What you do is up to you. Until my father is actually booked, bail can't be set, but if you wait to long there will be a warrant issued and things could get ugly after that," I said.

I walked out the door leaving him sitting there his head in his hands.

"Miss DeMay?" someone said to get my attention.

I turned to the person who said my name and smiled. "May I help you?"

"May I ask what that was all about?" they asked.

"It was about Mr Giles doing the right thing," I said.

"I was wondering because he is one of our best employees," they said.

"I'm sorry to hear that, because if my guess is right even if he does turn himself in he will likely be spending a very long time in prison," I said.

"What did he do?" they asked.

"You want an answer to that you can either ask Mr Giles or wait until it hits the news, I don't talk to anyone not involved about legal matters," I said.

"Are you his lawyer?" they asked.

"No, in a matter like this I would never represent someone like Mr Giles," I said.

"You make it sound like he disgusts you," they said.

"Let me put it this way. I came here to talk to him because I couldn't get him to talk to me another way, the legal troubles he is facing are troubles that started when I was only a child, and I have no doubt are continuing even now. One of those involved are sitting in the police station right now after having turned themself in and undoubtedly giving a list of names of others involved. I gave Mr Giles until bail has been set for the person who did turn themself in to do the same or the chances of a warrant being issued and an embarrassing arrest is likely," I said.

"And you know he was involved, how, Miss DeMay?" they asked.

"Because I was one of the victims," I said.

I didn't wait for them to ask anymore questions, I had other things to do. The more I thought about what my future held the more I thought about opening my own law practice. So many of those I had met while in prison where there on circumstantial evidence.

I knew Marc had gone in to talk to his friends at the FBI and I wondered if he was still there. If we were going to marry the decision of me opening my own law practice was one we should both agree on. I didn't want him to resent the work I did. I was thinking of turning the Pride Center over to someone else, possibly Kathy she knew what the Center should be and perhaps she could move it in that direction better than I could now.

"Could you tell me if Marc Adleson is in?" I asked at the front desk.

They directed me to where Marc was and I saw he was busy when I stepped in the office, so started reading the bulletin board waiting for him.

Some of the posts on the board were hilarious. From reading several of the posts I guessed it was kind of an announcement board to share with others in the office items for sale or to let others know special events coming up like a kids graduation.

"I'm assuming you want to talk to me?" Marc said coming up behind me.

"Is there somewhere private we can talk?" I asked.

We went in one of the offices and he closed the door.

I told him about the call I got from the police saying my father turned himself in and was willing to give names of as many of the others involved as he knew. The officer said dad told him I was the person he wanted to call, but didn't think I'd be willing to post bail and if I wouldn't he didn't know anyone who would.

Marc started to call the police station and I stopped him.

"There's a lot more I need to tell you. You were right that the file I gave you barely scratched the surface of the abuse I received. Marc I don't know if I can testify. I've fought so hard to forget those years and it terrifies me to even think of revisiting them again," I said.

He sat down and pulled me into his lap.

"You know there are others who have suffered much the same, I don't know if any of them have come through as well as you have, and if there is a chance of this tearing you apart..." Marc started.

"I don't think you fully understand. Marc it terrifies me to think about, but I know I'm the only one in my family other than my father who knows everything. I know I have to testify, but I don't want you there when I do. I don't want you to hear all the ugly that was my childhood," I said tears running down my cheeks.

Marc didn't say anything. He picked up the phone and called the police to get what information he could and asked if I wanted to pay the bail for my father. I nodded I did and tried to gather myself enough to say something.

"He will need a lawyer and I think Brent would be the best choice if he'd be willing," I said.

After getting what the bail was going to be Marc called Brent Cordell to see if he would be willing to take dads case. He gave Brent some of the details and smiled giving his farewells.

"I take it he said yes?" I asked.

"He hoped it would have been you that called, but said he wasn't surprised you hadn't. He'll take the case, but does want to talk to you. Alex he knows the only reason your father turned himself in is because you asked him to," Marc said.

Was that the only reason? Did dad really trust me? I knew I didn't trust him.

Since I knew what the bail was getting dad out wouldn't be much of an issue. The fact Brent wanted to talk to me surprised me though. My reputation in the legal circles was if there was anything in a contract that wasn't in the best interest of my client I would find it and change it so whoever thought to cheat my client would in the end wish they had played fair from the start.

I got the number for Brent from Marc and called on my cell phone on the way back to the car so I could bail dad out.

"I'm guessing this is Alex," the voice said when Brent answered.

"And if it isn't?" I asked.

"I'd be surprised. Alex its common knowledge you and Marc are engaged. When Marc said the name DeMay I wondered if it wasn't someone related to you," Brent said.

"So a high power lawyer like you answers your own phones?" I asked.

"This is my cell phone so this one I do answer personally," Brent said.

"Marc said you wanted to talk to me," I said.

He confirmed he did and asked when I would be available. I let him know I was on my way to arrange bail for my father and he told me the bail bondsman he always used.

I headed to the location he suggested and when I stepped out of the car he was standing there offering his arm to assist me in getting out.

"I can manage by myself," I said.

"I heard that about you. I'll bet you don't say that to Marc though," Brent said.

"Is there a special reason you use this bail bondsman?" I asked.

He let me know he used them because they had always been fair and prompt, and they were across the street from his offices.

"Alex from what I've heard you haven't practiced law in five years and the last two years you've been missing as far as anyone knows. I did hear something about you had some legal trouble, but never what happened beyond that. Now here you are getting mixed up in a Department of Justice investigation, not only mixed up in it, but the center of attention in it, and I want to know why," Brent said.

"If your going to represent my father you can ask him all about it, he is as much in the middle of things as I am," I said.

"So you can't tell me anything?" Brent asked.

"It's not that I can't, but more that I won't. Brent chances are if you do represent my father I will be a main witness against him. My hope is he will plead guilty and you can work out a good plea bargain for him. I don't trust my father and I'm not sure I ever will, but I do know he suffered almost as much as I did in what this is all about, also he is my father and I do love him," I said.

"So even though you might end up testifying against him your willing to post his bail?" Brent asked.

"I told him I'd do all I can to help if he would turn himself in and give the names and details of the others and their involvement," I said.

"You are a very strange lawyer Alex DeMay. Have you ever thought about going into criminal law?" Brent asked.

"I was thinking about it, but I need to talk to Marc about it first," I said.

He shook his head as though not believing what he heard.

"Alex I have to ask just what it is you want me to do for your father," Brent said.

"Whatever you can, but I do want him to acknowledge publicly the kind of father he was, the things he allowed his children to suffer and even participated in inflicting on his children," I said.

"If I can prove mitigating circumstances would that suffice? I mean he offers a guilty plea with mitigating circumstances," Brent asked.

"As long as you can prove the mitigating circumstances I would support a lesser sentence, even a deferral of jail time with say a five year probation," I said.

"As long as I can provide proof that his actions were forced by someone else?" Brent asked.

"Brent he chose to do what he did. He knew it was wrong and chose to do it anyway. I'm not saying there weren't mitigating circumstances, that there wasn't some kind of pressure being laid on him to do what he did, only that rather than doing what he knew to be right he chose to do the things he did," I said.

"There is a lot more to this than I know anything about. I'm not sure I'm the lawyer you really want, or he really needs," Brent said.

"Brent I chose you because I know you will do the best for my father while staying well within the law. If my father has earned jail time he should do jail time, I don't know everything about the pressure placed on my father to make the choice he did I only know he did know it was wrong and did it anyway," I said.

Brent and I walked into the bail bond office together. He as my fathers attorney and me as his daughter. The bondsman told us what it would cost up front and explained that no matter the outcome ten percent of the bond would be forfeit as standard cost for the service.

I offered a personal check and the bondsman gave me a look that totally baffled me.

"Alex they don't accept checks, they tried at one time and lost a lot of money from people either skipping out or stopping payment on the checks," Brent explained.

"How am I supposed to give them the money then? Brent I've never dealt with this kind of thing before," I said.

"Let me take care of it and you can write out the check to me," Brent offered.

I made out the check to Brent and he made arrangements for the bond. At the jail we told them who we were there for and they said dad was still giving a statement. I thought Brent was going to go ballistic and took a step back.

"Sargent I suggest you tell whoever is taking that statement that if he isn't either brought out here right now, or his daughter, and I allowed to see him right now, I will have them up on charges faster than they can spit," Brent said.

Five minutes later we were sitting in an interrogation room with dad on one side two police officers on the other and Brent and I on the ends.

Brent demanded to see everything dad said thus far and skimmed through the notes quickly and looked up at me and back at the notes.

"Officers I must ask a few minutes with my client and his daughter. I assure you we won't be going anywhere, but until I have a better understanding of this situation I'm not sure the best way to advise my client, and will thus advise he say nothing further," Brent said.

The two officers left the room allowing Brent my father and I to have the time Brent asked for.

"I'm not sure what to say here to either of you. Alex if even a small fraction of what is in this is true I have no idea how you survived. As for you Mr DeMay I have to wonder what could have ever possessed you to allow such atrocities to be committed against your children," Brent said.

"Everything I've told them so far is true, I wish it weren't, but it is. When it started I thought I was following the word of god as set down by those he chose as his messengers. At first it was little things like dressing the girls in dresses that were a little shorter than appropriate, encouraging them to believe men were better than they were because men were stronger physically. Pretty much the standard for all the religions I know of. I wasn't even aware of the changes that happened at first and by the time I was, I was terrified of what the leaders might do if I said no. It took Alex kicking my ass for me to finally wakeup and tell them no more, that my daughters weren't toys for their depraved enjoyment. The problem then was my oldest son had bought into the whole thing by that time and he was big enough there was nothing I could do to stop him," Dad said.

Brent looked over at me askance about what dad said.

"David is dead now so there's nothing anyone can do about him. As for dad I only just found out there are mitigating circumstances I didn't know about, but as far as I know everything he said so far is true," I said.

"Dare I ask how it is David died?"

"You can always ask. As for how he died he resisted arrest and took the gun of the officer who was trying to arrest him and started shooting. He was killed in the fight," I said.

"I'm guessing you were there when he died?" Brent asked.

"So were almost all of my sisters, though they were in a different room of the house," I said.

"Are you going to tell me, or not Alex?" Brent asked frustration in his voice.

"When David took that officers gun the only shot he got off was at me. Brent you went to school with me, you know I have two black belts, and am fully trained with the use of both throwing stars and ninja sword. Before he could get off another shot I threw one of my stars and hit him in the neck cutting his carotid artery and windpipe. He drowned in his own blood," I said.

"And the bandages on your arms?" Brent asked.

"Aren't important," I said.

"I would be interested in hearing the story behind them," Brent said.

"Then ask Marc and see if you can get him to tell you, otherwise just pretend you never saw them," I said.

I wasn't going to let this become about me. I still held myself guilty of killing David. I could have thrown that star lower so rather than killing him it only incapacitated him. I was the one who chose to use deadly force, and against my own brother.

Nothing more was said about why I had bandages on my arms. I asked if there was anything they needed from me and dad gave me a hurt look.

"I've done what I can dad, Brent is the best there is and there is no way I could represent you and wouldn't even if I could, it wouldn't be ethical," I said.

I turned to Brent and gave him a look I hoped he would know meant I wanted him to do his best, but only if it meant getting to the bottom of this whole nightmare so no one else would get hurt by these people.

When I reached the reception area, Mr Giles was there talking to one of the detectives. I stood there listening for a short time to know if he was accepting my offer. I heard him say some names I didn't know other than dad had always seemed afraid of them.

I reached in my pocket and called Brent hoping he would answer.

"This is Brent Cordell," he answered.

"I certainly hope so," I said. "Brent there is another client for you out here in the reception area, someone else I promised to do all I could to help if they were willing to turn themself in and give names of others involved."

"Are there anymore you plan on doing this with?" Brent asked.

"No, but then I don't think I know any of the others involved since my brother is dead and the friends he had with him when he died are already in jail, and either have their own lawyers by now or can rot for all I care," I said.

I gave Brent the name and exited the building. For some reason I no longer felt the need to exact revenge against those who were the real animals or predators. Those who would use and destroy in the name of a god they didn't believe in.

I headed back over to the FBI offices to see if Marc was still there so I could talk to him about my idea of becoming a defense attorney.

"So did you talk to Brent?" Marc asked when I walked in the office he was in.

"Do you love me Marc?" I asked.

He smiled at me and a couple of the others in the office started laughing.

"I know there's a reason for you asking that, but for the life of me I can't figure out what," Marc said.

"I'm thinking of turning the Pride Center over to Kathy to run. There's something else I think I can do that will help more people," I said.

He nodded, but didn't say anything. I was sure he was wondering just what it was I was thinking about.

"You know I'm a lawyer?" I asked.

He nodded again.

"Do you remember what I did with my time when we were in prison together?" I asked.

He gave me a concerned look.

"I talked to several of the men out there and heard their stories of lawyers who didn't really care about them. In the past I always practiced constitutional and contract law, and made quite a name for myself. I was thinking of opening my own practice, but not limiting it to constitutional and contract law. I want to be able to help people who have no business in prison stay out," I said.

I waited for him to say something, anything, and he just sat there looking at me. I was beginning to wonder if he heard me and wanted to cry because I was sure he hadn't.

"Are you going to say anything?" I asked.

"What am I supposed to say?" Marc asked.

"I want to know what you think of me starting my own law firm. I want to know if you think it's a good idea, or a bad one. I want to know if you'll support me in this, or if I should just stay where I am at the Pride Center," I said.

"Alex I just want you to have a better life than you've had. There's something I need to talk to you about as well. And in away it would be along the same lines. The Justice Department is taking over the case that involves your family, and they were hoping you might be willing to work with the prosecuting attorney on it," Marc said.

"I can't! Marc there is a conflict of interest in me doing something like that. I can't believe you would even suggest such a thing. I know you don't know the extent of what I went through, but I can tell you I have no sympathy for any of those involved and that includes my father," I said.

"I told them you would say something like that and they want you anyway. Alex you said you have a reputation in the legal profession and the way they're talking I would guess that reputation is that you seek justice regardless of your own feelings," Marc said.

"The answer is still no! Maybe they don't have a problem with the ethics of the thing, but I do. This is one case I don't think I would be able to separate my feelings from what I know is right. As it is right now I'm going to ask to give my testimony either in written or recorded format so I don't have to look at the men who will be facing the charges. I don't know that I could restrain myself from wanting to cause those men the same kind of pain they caused me, and I have no idea how many others. Marc those men are guilty of the death of my oldest sister, they are guilty of stealing two years of my life not all that long ago, and they are guilty of stealing my childhood. I can't set that aside and I shouldn't have too," I said.

"I wish I knew better what it is you've lived through, then maybe I could understand better," Marc said.

"No! I can't Marc, I can't, please I'm begging you not to ask me to share that with you. Please I..." I stopped because I knew if he asked I would tell him everything and I didn't want him to see the ugly that had been my life.

Marc took me in his arms without saying anything. I buried my head in his chest and cried. I didn't care that anyone might see, the memories of what happened came back and I was the scared little kid I had always been growing up.

What is wrong with you Kevin, smack. Can't you do anything right Kevin, smack. You act like a little whore Kevin, smack. Maybe it should be you I take with me to my church meetings, smack.

Is this the one you're talking about Dave? Put a dress on him and he would make a fine looking girl. Mr Giles said on more than one occasion. I'll bet she could learn to suck the chrome off a bumper, someone else said. I'll bet she has a tight little ass, another person said, all while I was standing there with dad on one side and mom on the other.

The next meeting dad said he had, he went in Kathy and Jesse's room and found one of Kathy's dresses that was to small for her along with a pair of her panties and took me with him to his meeting. When we got there he threw the sack of clothes he took from my sisters room at me.

"When we get inside you go in the restroom and change into what's in that sack, and don't be slow about it either," Dad said.

I started to peek in the sack and dad grabbed my arm and dragged me into the building with him. At the girls restroom he pushed me through the door and told me I had ten minutes and if I wasn't out wearing the clothes in the sack by then he would come in and drag me out and give me a spanking I'd never forget if I hadn't at least started changing clothes.

I stood there in the girls restroom and opened the sack. There in the sack was my favorite dress Kathy let me wear whenever we were able to play in her room and not have to worry about being caught. The panties where a pair I had never seen before and seemed all wrong for kids mine and Kathy's age.

I stripped off my boy clothes and pulled on the panties followed quickly by the dress. I had been growing my hair longer and brushed it the way Kathy had whenever she helped me dress. I couldn't believe dad actually wanted me to dress like a girl, nothing could have made me happier.

When I pulled the dress down I realized this wasn't the same dress I wore with Kathy, this dress was much shorter and the panties showed just standing there. I felt embarrassed just standing there looking at myself in the mirror, surely dad wouldn't want me walking around were someone might see, especially not here in church.

The door opened and dad stood there looking at me studying me from head to toe.

"That'll have to do this time, now come on there are people who want to see you," Dad said.

"But dad my panties are showing," I complained.

He came in the room and grabbed my arm dragging me out and pushing me down the hallway toward the classrooms in the church.

I struggled to stay on my feet and at one point lost a shoe so we had to stop so I could put it back on...

## Chapter 13

Marc opened the door to the outer office and asked someone to please call the Pride Center and let Kathy know he needed her and the sooner she was able to get there the better.

Kathy didn't seem happy when she arrived wanting to know what was so important she needed to drop everything she was working on just so someone at the FBI could talk to her and wouldn't give her any indication about what.

Marc saw her enter the outer office and again opened the door calling for her to join us in the private office.

When she entered the office he again closed the door and asked if she knew about the kind of abuse I had suffered.

Kathy looked from him to me and realized whatever she said would be strictly between Marc and herself, that while I might have been in the room I was so lost somewhere in my own mind I'd never hear anything she said.

"Dad had a lot of meetings at the church," she started. "After we turned eight he started taking her with him to those meetings. I never knew what those meetings were about until after David started taking Jesse. Alex refused to talk about them, and asking dad was a good way of getting a beating."

"When we were in high school Alex started putting obviously female clothes in our closet, clothes I knew she never wore, though they somehow always managed to make their way into the laundry."

"By then Jesse was, as everyone called it simple, she had gone from being a top student in school to talking like a small child, Alex never did talk about the abuse she suffered, but I knew she suffered it protecting me, Jesse and Niki. Jesse was about fifteen when David took her to the first one of those meetings, and she did tell me what they were about."

"From the time we were eight years old dad took her to those meetings and Alex was raped by several of the church leaders. She was forced to dress in dresses that wouldn't cover the panties they demanded she wear."

"One of the real keys of what those meetings were about came the night dad and Alex got home from the meeting."

"Alex never used her first name until after she left for college, until then she had always gone by either Kevin, or Karen, depending on whether she was in boy mode or girl mode. I knew she hated both names and she asked that in private I call her Alex, or Alexandra. She said when she could she was going to change her name to Alexandra and was going to drop her middle name completely, until I suggested Kate instead of Karen."

"Marc what happened? What is going on so she doesn't seem to be with us?" Kathy asked.

"All I can guess is she's reliving all the abuse she suffered. I don't know how to help her since I have no idea the depth of the abuse," Marc said.

"I need you to do something then. I need you to get Niki, Nancy and mom here to help, since between us we probably have a good idea what she went through trying to protect us," Kathy said.

Kathy stepped up to me taking me from Marc and said the sooner the rest of my family was there the sooner he might get the beautiful woman he loved back.

I watched Marc walk out the door and didn't understand why. Why did he walk away from me? Was it because I was spoiled goods he no longer wanted anything to do with. I hurt so much as the scenes from my past continued and the resolve set in that I had to protect my sisters at all cost. Nothing I suffered would be too great if it kept my sisters from being hurt, if it kept these men from doing to them what they were doing to me. I felt myself fall, but the ground was so far away. I looked up and knew I wasn't falling down, but trying to climb up. I was in a hole that seemed to have no bottom to it, and I was afraid if I moved I'd find out it didn't have a bottom and I would forever fall, always getting farther and farther from achieving the goal of protecting my sisters.

Then it happened the proof that I couldn't protect my sisters from those men, that nothing I did would ever save my oldest sister. I was twelve years old and by now had gotten used to what was going to happen, but when dad and I got there and I had changed into the clothes I was told, I walked in the room and there sat Jesse next to David dressed in a dress that looked much like the one I wore. I felt my grip slip from the wall I was clinging to. I knew there was nothing I could do to protect Jesse any longer because our older brother was now just like the other men in the room.

"Your not alone Alex, you saved Niki, Nancy and I from what they did to you," Kathy said.

I couldn't save Jesse and I knew nothing I did now would matter unless I could save Kathy and Niki. Would these men expect me to become like them? Did they think after what they did to me I would do the same thing to my sisters? When we got home dad told Jesse and I we were to trade rooms that Jesse would now be sharing a room with David and I was sharing a room with Kathy.

"Please Alex, please hear me, you saved us from them Alex, you aren't alone anymore, let us help you now, let us save you," Kathy pleaded hoping even a little of what she said would get through.

How much longer could I go trying to save Kathy and Niki from what they were doing to me and now Jesse? I had to be strong enough, I had to be. I had to survive long enough Kathy and Niki would be safe from those men.

Another year and I'd be able to... to what? To leave my sisters to those men? No there had to be another way, there had to be an escape so even I didn't have to do what those men wanted any longer, there just had to be. What did they say? Kick boxing? What is kick boxing? I found out all I could about what kick boxing was and figured it might be the escape I was looking for. If I learned to fight so neither dad nor David dared, maybe then I could go to college and become someone who could stop men like those who had used me in fulfilling their lusts for so long.

I signed up for the class, and when I walked in the room the first day and saw two people demonstrating kick boxing. I was sure if I learned it I could soon end the abuse I suffered for so long. I studied the work for that class like I never studied before. Within the first quarter the instructor was encouraging me to get in the ring with people who had been learning the art for three or four years.

I didn't know how to tell him I didn't want to fight, I didn't want to hurt someone just because they were considered an opponent in a sport. To me this wasn't just a sport it was a way of protecting my sisters from my oldest brother and my father.

"Alex I love you, please come back to me, please come back to us Alex," Kathy said, still pleading for me to come back from wherever it was I had gone.

Half way through our senior year in high school the reason I started taking kick boxing come to fruition. Kathy and I were in our room her going through the clothes we had making sure her clothes weren't mixed in with mine and especially not mine I had for the church meets dad still took me too. I was doing my homework for my history class, and David came in our room and started trying to force himself on Kathy. He obviously wasn't worried about me, after all he had been there when one after another of those monsters used me for their pleasure, he had even taken his turn in using me, and I hadn't done anything to indicate I didn't like what they did.

I didn't move when he came in our room, but as soon as he grabbed Kathy and tried forcing her to kiss him I did. I hit him hard enough he released Kathy and landed on the bed bouncing about a foot before he was fully aware of what happened. He regained his feet and cussed something about he was going to make me wish, charging me at the same time. When he was close enough to grab me I stepped to the side and did a roundhouse kick catching him in the ass and sending him flying into the wall. The anger in his eyes intensified and he charged me again. This time instead of stepping to the side I stepped toward him bringing my knee up as I did. He tried to compensate and lost his balance allowing me to bring my hands to the back of his head pulling his head toward my raise knee shattering his jaw. I stood there looking down at the bastard and told him if he ever touched one of my sisters again I'd kill him.

"Kathy? What's going on? What's wrong with Alex?" Niki asked when she walked in the room Kathy and I were in.

"Niki she needs us now. She needs to know she doesn't have to protect us any longer that we're strong enough we can help now," Kathy said.

Niki looked at me and realized as Kathy had I wasn't there in anything but body.

"Alex I love you, please Alex I love you so much," Niki said tears running down her cheeks.

I no more than got the words out and dad was standing there giving me a look of raw anger. A look that in the past meant I was going to suffer another beating. He grabbed my arm and dragged me to his room where he took the only belt in the house with a metal tip on it and started beating me with it. His first swing stung when it landed taking my breath. The second I don't really remember since the first stung so bad. The third I saw more than felt and rather than waiting for another, I swung out with my foot catching dad in the knees taking his balance and laying him out on the bed. He recovered quickly the raw anger even more intense in his eyes. He charged me as David had done and I side stepped coming with a roundhouse as he went by sending him crashing through the door and laying face down in the hallway.

I leaned over him and told him if he ever touched me or my sisters I would kill him. I'd had enough. I knew he had a meeting with those men in a couple days, but I wasn't going with him any longer and I wasn't going to let him take my sisters either. I knew I was now strong enough I didn't have to take the abuse any longer in order to protect my sisters, if only I had been strong enough before Jesse turned into herself to find safety.

I couldn't hide what happened from Kathy, but there was no reason Niki ever needed to know. I didn't want her to ever know what she would have faced if I hadn't been strong enough to take it for her.

"Please Alex, I didn't mean any of those things I said when you got out of jail. I didn't know what you went through for me. I didn't know Alex, please forgive me, please Alex I love you," Niki cried not knowing if what she said would make a difference, only knowing if she could reach me I might be willing to come back.

When I left for college I did so as Alexandra, mom was there along with Kathy to wish me the best, when I came down from the room I shared with Kathy carrying my bags and mom saw me she gasped thinking I was Kathy. Kathy followed behind me a smile on her face that lit up the house. As I walked past mom on my way to the little car I had mom stopped Kathy asking what was going on. Mom tried to talk to me, but kept calling me by the names I would never again acknowledge, names that only held pain and suffering.

I heard mom ask Kathy why I refused to even acknowledge her when she tried talking to me, and Kathy telling her I swore I would never again use any name other than one I chose, and for now that name was Alex. Mom looked at me tears in her eyes, but otherwise no show of emotion.

"It will take me time Alex," mom said finally.

I let her know I understood, and she should take whatever time she needed, but she should also understand the person she saw now, was the only person I could ever be. I couldn't use names that caused nothing but pain for me. I couldn't pretend to be a boy when all I ever wanted from as far back as I could remember was to be a woman. I gave mom a hug and turned to Kathy giving her a hug and making her promise she would let me know if anyone ever did anything to hurt her or Niki. It didn't matter that I wouldn't be there at the moment, what mattered was I would be there as soon as possible and heaven help anyone who hurt them. I also made her promise never to tell Niki, because I didn't see any reason Niki needed to know about the abuse her older sibling went through so she wouldn't have too.

"Alex please I love you," Niki cried holding on to Kathy and I.

I came home from school at the end of the first quarter and rented a motel while I was in town. I didn't have a lot of money since I had to pay for all my books and supplies in school, but I shared a room with several other girls splitting the costs equally.

Between school and work I didn't have a lot of time for anything other than sleep, and sleep was something I hadn't gotten much of since I was eight years old. How do you sleep when every time you close your eyes you see men who want nothing more than to rape you, and make you beg them to rape you? I found a martial arts studio and signed up for classes hoping to improve on what I already knew. At first my sensei said I didn't have what it takes to learn martial arts. When I asked why, he said that martial arts weren't meant for beating other people up, they were a way of bringing a person into balance.

It took me going and talking to him every day for the next two weeks before he would agree to teach me. When I finally started I had to promise not to turn on my cell phone when I was there. I tried to explain I needed to be available if Kathy ever called and he gave me a look that said I would either abide his rules or he wouldn't teach me.

Nancy and mom showed up together. And were met by Marc in the outer office.

"Marc what is going on? Why were we told to get here as soon as possible, that it was more important than anything?" Mom asked.

Nancy looked at the door to the room Niki, Kathy and I were in and didn't bother saying anything just opened the door and walked in. Niki looked up when Nancy walked in, but continued hugging me crying begging me to please come back, that she promised she wouldn't say things she didn't know about, and would later need to apologize for.

Nancy came over pulling Niki, Kathy and I into an embrace and also telling me she loved me and wanted me to come back.

When I got home between my first and second quarter, Kathy met me and said there was trouble between dad, David and Neal, and hoped I would be able to help. She insisted I needed to come over to the house, because it was the only way Neal said he would talk to me.

I agreed but made sure she understood that if dad or David had done anything to hurt Niki or her I would make them pay, because I had learned more than just kick boxing now. In the two months after starting my martial arts training I had learned enough my sensei moved me from beginner to some of the more advanced techniques and gave me a brown belt in one form and a yellow belt in another. I was well beyond any of the others I started with. My sensei wasn't happy I wanted enough time to return home to visit with my family. He said he understood and liked that I seemed excited about it, but I was sure he knew I still carried a lot of hate for reasons he didn't understand, and was afraid that hate would be a set back for me rather than a driving force to learn what he had to teach, that learning hate wasn't the answer and all things needed to be balanced or everything would be as nothing.

Neal and I greeted each other cordially Neal giving me strange looks seeing how I was dressed.

"This is who I am now Neal, you can either accept it or not, if you can't accept I don't see we have anything to talk about," I said.

Dad called wanting to talk to Neal while I was there and I took the phone before Neal could.

"You have some explaining to do old man," I said.

He stuttered and I told him Neal was included in my protection that if I ever got word he did anything to hurt any of my younger siblings I would make him wish he had never been born. I slammed the phone in its cradle and looked at Neal, wondering if he understood what I told dad.

Kathy made sure Neal knew if I was willing to come over to talk to him the only way I would come in the house was if either dad or David tried preventing him from coming out.

The phone call was the only reason I entered my parents home and after slamming it on dad I stepped back out the door and when Neal didn't follow figured we were done talking.

"I heard you were living as a bitch now," David said, following me out the door.

"I heard your still an ass too, so I guess we both heard things a little off," I said.

"And just what is that supposed to mean bitch," David spit at me.

"Only that I'm a woman, not a bitch, and that your an ignorant ass, not just an ass," I replied.

I heard him coming and side stepped him giving a small kick as he went by. He landed face first in the lawn and was back up quickly.

"I ain't falling for that again bitch," he hissed and charged again.

He was ready for me to side step him and instead I stepped into his charge putting my knee in his groin and sending him flying backward landing this time on his back on the lawn.

"If you ever touch one of my sisters or Neal, I will kill you David. Since my senior year in high school you haven't been able to beat me and you never will beat me because your an ignorant ass who never learns," I said.

I returned to school a couple days later never hearing from mom. Wondering if mom really even cared about me. Her son who became her daughter and was able to kick the ass of both her husband and oldest son. I told my sensei what happened while I was home about having to deal with David, and kneeing him to stop him from attacking me.

My sensei watched me closely the whole time to try to determine if I was telling him everything. He knew there was a lot I never told him and I have no doubt he suspected it had to do with having been abused as a child. When I finished he asked if there was more, if I wanted to tell all, or if I wanted to let it go with what I already said.

"Sensei, I know you are wise and know I have not told many things about my life, I hope I have earned your respect that I am not here to learn other than bring balance to my soul, to be able to defend myself, against attack as I did while I was home visiting my family. If there is more I have not said it is because my soul is out of balance and it is a part of life I work to bring back into balance," I said.

He nodded and welcomed me back telling me that when perfect balance is achieved secrets become unnecessary. He had a new training for me one that required great discipline, but if I showed the drive I had in everything else he was sure I could handle it. He gave me a list of what I would need for this new training and told me where I could go to get the items on the list.

I practiced hard for the next five years going home between quarters to spend time with Kathy and make sure David and dad left everyone alone. Kathy said there were a few fights, but any time David was around it was like he walked on egg shells and was afraid he might break one and I would hear about it.

Niki seemed happy every time I saw her and said she and Neal still shared a room, but she really didn't mind. Jesse was still absent and from what the doctors said would never be more than a child mentally.

Since Kathy had her own apartment now she wasn't able to make sure about Niki and Neal, but they both told her they were doing well and dad and David didn't bother them much. I found out the apartment complex had a place that could easily be set up to practice with my throwing stars and my sword. Kathy laughed the first few times she watched me with the stars because I couldn't hit my target most of the time and even when I did hit it the star would more likely bounce off than stick. Even David came and watched me with my stars and sword once or twice. The first time he noticed how dull the blades were and said I'd never do anything with the sword other than use it for some kind of weird club, because I'd never be able to get it sharp. The stars he said were supposed to have sharp points and if this was the best I could find I was wasting my time on stupid shit I'd never be able to use, because I'd never be more than a want-a-be whore.

I didn't give David anymore thought since he didn't know anything about martial arts and the tools used in it. My sensei tried to talk me into learning to use nunchaku and while I did show promise with them I didn't care for them. He encouraged me to continue practicing with them because they were a good discipline, but also said they might never be one of the tools I would ever feel comfortable with.

When I graduated from college and took the bar exam several of my classmates said chances of me passing were next to none since no one was able to get through school in the short time I had and pass the bar the first time they took it.

The day the results of the bar came in I had to pull a double at work and wasn't sure I wanted to know if I passed or not anyway. When I got back home after a day from hell at work my roommates were all standing around looking at me like I had something growing out of my ears.

In the center of the dining table was an envelop that looked very important and it also looked like it had been opened. I ignored everything wanting nothing more than to fill the tub with hot water and soak until there was nothing left. I had six customers come through my line and start arguing with me about coupons they had that were expired, or weren't valid for a couple more days and they thought I should accept them anyway. Because I couldn't accept them, all but one of the customers huffed out saying they'd make sure my supervisor knew how rude I was to them. The only customer that didn't get angry started crying instead. I knew her story because I knew her from other places I had been. I did apologize to her that I couldn't accept the coupons and why and she looked horrified. She needed the items, but at their regular price just couldn't afford them, something I knew was true.

I looked at the discount the coupons would have given her and told her I would make up the difference and she could pay me back whenever she could. I divided her bill in half and told her the amount and watched as a giant smile crossed her face that I would be so willing to help her.

Help her! That was my life so far, helping others who couldn't help themselves. So far I had one failure and I desperately wanted to do whatever I could to help Jesse become the beautiful woman she was on the way to becoming before dad and David destroyed her.

After my bath my roommates insisted I open the letter sitting in the middle of the table because they were sure it would perk me up.

I knew what the letter was, I had seen others get theirs both good news and bad. Just looking at the letter sitting there I knew what it said and knew soon there would be job offers with some big legal firms wanting the whiz kid to come to work for them, more as a para-legal than an attorney, and with that letter I was an attorney not a para-legal.

I sat in the chair they wanted so they could all see my face when I opened the letter and saw I passed the bar exam. I painted on the smile they all expected, and did the giggling that was expected, but the joy that should have been there just wasn't there. I was now an accredited lawyer and felt so alone knowing the law had been perverted so there was no such thing as justice in my home town.

A week after receiving my letter I got an offer from the biggest law firm in my home town. They were willing to let me set my own rates and accept my own clients. They didn't have any openings in their criminal law department, but if I were willing to come on with them they did have positions for both constitutional and contract lawyers, and from reading my school transcripts and seeing how well I had done on the bar exam they wanted me if at all possible.

Within a year of starting with the only law firm I've ever been associated with I was making a seven digit salary and looked to be headed to the top in the field of law I was practicing.

"Alex we're here for you, we just want to help, to let you know how much we love you," Nancy said.

I looked around at my sisters standing there holding me and felt a tear fall on my cheek and roll down to my chin. Where was Marc why wasn't he here. I was nothing but spoiled goods to him now. I'd never be good enough, because I was raped so many times by so many men throughout my life.

All I wanted was the man who said he loved me and he wasn't here. He wasn't the one holding me while I worked so hard to regain my balance.

"We're here for you Alex, all of us are here for you now," Nancy said.

I felt the tears still falling and rolling down my cheeks. How long had I been fighting to regain my balance, could it have really been long enough all my sisters were with me now. Did any of them really know all I suffered so they wouldn't have to? It didn't matter, what mattered was they were all here for me and all said they loved me. They each in their own way let me know all the suffering I had gone through was worth it because they didn't have to suffer as bad because I had taken the worst of it for them.

Where was Marc though? Why wasn't he here? He was the one holding me when I found myself fighting so hard not to lose myself, so where was he? Did he now understand how damaged I was and decide I just wasn't worth it?

"I'm alright now, I just needed some time to balance things out," I said.

## Chapter 14

Kathy gave me a dirty look but didn't question what I said. She knew I wasn't there and for how long because she was the first one there when I appeared to slip away into a world no one but me could go. So hard to tell them what it's like to need to bring myself back into balance. I knew both times I attempted suicide I was out of balance and what caused the imbalance. During both times though I wasn't able to go inside myself and work through the problem. The problem this time is I still wasn't in balance, because the one person I felt the need to have there wasn't there.

I looked around and saw Marc standing at the door a worried look on his face hoping I was going to be alright and not understanding what happened. I didn't even know why I fell inward needing to go through those memories again, but I knew something happened making it the only way of not losing myself completely as Jesse had done.

I blew a kiss toward Marc hoping he would see it and not turn away. Before the kiss even left my lips he was through the door and taking the steps to where I stood still in Kathy's, Niki's and Nancy's arms. He reached out to me and I raised my hand into his and as my sisters released me I found myself safe in the arms I wanted around me for the rest of my life.

I reached up giving Marc a kiss letting him know I was back and feeling much better than when I come to see him.

"You never did answer my question," I said so only Marc could hear.

"I think you should do whatever feels right to you," Marc said.

"I think it's something I need to do. Before my sisters needed me, but now I think they're strong enough I don't need to be there any longer, at least I don't need to be there in the same way," I said.

"Do you plan on living your whole life in the service of others?" Marc asked.

"Marc there is so much you don't understand about me. It's through service to others I had the strength to make it through to adulthood. Service to others is part of who I am," I said.

I hoped he might respond, that he might say I deserved more. I'm not really sure what I expected, but it wasn't what I got and I wasn't sure how to handle what I got from him.

He hugged me close and kissed me lifting me off my feet and just held me for what seemed an eternity, yet mere moments. This wonderful man took the wind out of my sails and then bellowed them even fuller with love I didn't understand.

Since Kathy, Niki and Nancy were all there still I asked if they could handle things at the Pride Center. Kathy and I were the only board members left and I wanted something I felt was able to help not just a select group of people, but all people who needed help.

Marc still had a few things to work out with his friends in the FBI so Kathy and I talked about what I was going to do. She said she wasn't sure my leaving the board of the Pride Center was a good idea since we were the only board members. She was willing to step into a more hands on with the Pride Center, but wanted someone she could trust to bounce things off when she wasn't sure.

"Kathy I'm willing to help in any way I can, but I don't think I can, or should stay on the board. Any legal work you need will always be done at no cost to the Center, but I think that's the extent of my involvement," I said.

Niki asked if I planned on having para-legals working for me and I smiled.

"Niki it's hard to run a law office these days without para-legals, and I was hoping you might be interested. If you want to let me look at your school records it would make it easier to know how I can help you," I said.

Nancy said she would love helping out at the Pride Center, but as long as it wasn't a full-time paying position she would only be able in whatever free time she had.

Each of my sisters were glad to hear I was thinking of getting back into practicing law and were willing to do whatever they could to help. Marc wasn't long with his friends and was back asking if I was ready to go home.

"I need to go to city hall first," I said.

He gave me a look of understanding and we walked out of the building together. I looked to see if he had driven the car or the truck and didn't see either.

"Erica brought me into town and said if I wasn't ready to go when she was I'd have to see if you might be willing to let me ride with you or find another way home," Marc said.

"I'm driving and if you say one word about how I drive you can walk home," I said.

He laughed and I laughed along with him. I didn't remember him ever riding in the car with me unless he was driving and while his driving scared the daylights out of me at times, I never said anything because I knew he had things under control. I headed for city hall to find out everything I would need to do to open my own law firm.

"Marc would you be willing to do investigations for me if I get into criminal law?" I asked.

"I'd be willing to help you find an investigation firm to work with, but I'd rather not get involved in that kind of thing personally," Marc answered.

"Are you done with the FBI now?" I asked.

"Today was my last day," Marc said.

I found the office I wanted and stood at the desk waiting to be acknowledged.

"May I... what do you want here bitch," the person behind the desk said with venom dripping on every word.

"From you nothing I think I'll just go to the state since that's likely where I would have ended up anyway. In the future though you might want to consider acting in a more professional manner even with people you don't like or agree with. As a public servant it can be very costly to do otherwise," I said.

Marc and I walked out of the building and over to the state offices. I again found the office I was looking for and entered to a cheerful voice asking if there was something they could help with.

I told them what I wanted and they gave me all the paperwork I needed to fill out and explained how it should be filled out. I sat there filling out the papers as she explained, or rather tried to explain and before she was half way through her explanation handed them back fully filled out.

"Most people who come here have no idea what they're doing and... your the first person I probably didn't need to explain any of this to," the clerk said.

"It isn't really much different from some of the state contracts I've work with after graduating and passing the bar," I said.

"I'm sorry but it says here you plan on practicing criminal law not contract law," the clerk said.

"It should say I intend to practice law not what kind of law," I said.

"Here the boxes you checked criminal law but none of the others," the clerk said.

I looked where the clerk pointed and drew a line connecting all the boxes together and smiled because I hadn't made the connection until it was pointed out.

"Ms DeMay, I have no doubt this will be approved and I'm guessing it should be approved before you even make it out of the building," the clerk said.

"You make it sound like you intend to take that in for approval right away instead of letting it sit around for a while," I said.

"Ms DeMay, I have a brother who just got an appeal for something he swears he didn't do. He said it was because of another inmate who knew all the right things he was able to get his appeal. I have a feeling you were that inmate since I do remember hearing about a big shot lawyer who was sent to prison for murder with the name DeMay," the clerk said.

I didn't confirm I had been in prison, and there had been several people I helped file for an appeal most of whom got their appeal.

"I'm sure there are several people sitting in prison who shouldn't be and I hope I can make a difference so those who haven't done anything wrong won't end up paying for it by going to prison," I said.

Marc and I sat down since the clerk said they were going to take it in to be approved right away.

While we were sitting there the governor walked in.

"Kathy? I'm surprised to see you down here since you know Jennifer's office is on the third floor," the governor said.

"I'm sorry governor, but I'm not Kathy, I'm Alex," I said.

"You're the one Jennifer told me about?" he asked.

"I wouldn't know governor I wasn't there when she talked to you," I said.

"She said you were in prison for a crime that never actually happened," he said.

"I guess I might be the one she was talking about, but as you can see I'm no longer in prison and no longer have a police record as a criminal," I said.

"That's only possible via a pardon or via an appeal over turning the lower court ruling," the governor said.

"Yes governor I'm well aware of that. I also happen to be a lawyer who hasn't really practiced law in five years," I said.

"Ms DeMay," the clerk said returning with some papers in hand. "Here is your license to open a law office anywhere in the state you wish, they even approved it for any type of law you wish to practice since you are bar qualified in all of them."

I took the papers the clerk held out and looked it over. "This is to certify that Alexandra Kate DeMay is authorized to practice law in any court throughout the state." I handed it to Marc and together we started to leave the office.

"Ms DeMay? I want you to know it was nothing personal that I didn't help you. I did request a copy of your file and it was never delivered, I'm afraid I failed to follow through and make sure I got the file so I didn't dare take action in case you were guilty of the crime you were in prison for," the governor said.

"For the record governor I have only ever killed one person and I did that in self defense in front of several witnesses most of whom happened to be police officers for either the city or county," I said.

"Surely that isn't why you were in prison?" the governor asked incredulously.

"No sir that isn't why I was in prison. I was in prison because I changed my name and my oldest brother told everyone I killed his brother. You see Mr Governor I'm transgender and from the day I left home to go to law school I have lived as Alexandra Kate DeMay, but was not able to change my name legally until a couple years ago. The day I walked out of the courtroom with Alexandra as my legal name I was arrested charged and found guilty of murdering Alexander Kevin DeMay, the name I was given at birth by my mother and father," I said.

"I don't understand, Ms DeMay. If that's true how were you sent to prison?" the governor asked.

"Governor I was sent to prison because there are people in the justice system who have no business practicing law in any form. They allow their religious beliefs to over ride fact, and reason. They cannot see beyond personal beliefs and blindly do what their religious leaders tell them," I said.

"I'll look into that Ms DeMay, and if what you're saying proves true I will do everything in my power to remedy the situation," the governor said.

"You do that governor and next time your up for reelection I just might give you some serious thought," I said.

"I'm sorry Ms DeMay I don't understand, you consider me an unworthy candidate to be governor? May I ask why?"

"Sir, like those in the justice system that thought it alright to imprison me simply because they didn't approve of me as a person, you have fought against rather than for those like your own sister who happens to be my sister-in-law. If you really love your sister wouldn't you want to do everything in your power to insure she had the same opportunity as everyone else when it comes to a legal loving relationship? As it stands right now Jennifer is not legally my sister-in-law according to the laws of this state, and according to the laws of this state I cannot legally use the restroom that fits my gender identity and even having surgery wouldn't change that, though having surgery would let my marriage to this wonderful man be recognized," I said.

"You don't understand Ms DeMay, if I were to come out in support of gay marriage it would be political suicide for me, I would lose my entire voting base," the governor said.

"Yes you might, but you also might pick up an even greater base of voters willing to give you a chance. I can assure you those who oppose same sex marriage are becoming fewer and fewer, and if I'm not mistaken several of them in this area will soon lose their right to vote for a very long time since they are being brought up on charges for child abuse, sex with minor children, sex slavery, and various other charges. Their mistake was in worrying about people like me when at the time there was little if anything I could do, and yes I was a victim of those people, and the only man I ever killed was one of those people, not to mention my oldest brother," I said.

"You killed your own brother?" he asked.

"He broke into my fiancées house kidnapping his sister and my youngest sister. When the police arrived my fiancée and I had subdued three of the four men involved my brother the only one left not restrained in any manner. When a police officer tried placing him in handcuffs he was able to take the officers gun and fired one shot aiming at me. I threw one of my throwing stars and it caught him in the neck severing his carotid artery and windpipe, he drowned in his own blood," I said.

"I take it your trained to use those things?"

"I have two black belts in martial arts and am trained in the use of throwing stars, the sword, and nunchaku," I said.

"You really did kill in self defense! I'm so sorry I didn't follow through on the request my sister made, and I will be looking into what you've said about everything else," the governor said.

The thought that ran through my mind was if he followed through the way he did about his sisters request pertaining to me nothing was going to change and never would as long as he held the highest office in the state.

Marc and I left the state offices and I headed for my parents house knowing no one lived there at the present time. When I pulled up in front I was sure Marc was going to have a fit.

"Why are we here Alex?" Marc asked.

"We're here because this is the address I used for my law firm address," I said.

"So why are we here?" Marc asked again.

"Because I was hoping you might be willing to help me come up with a way of securing it so I can use it for offices. Marc I own this house and since it's in town I felt it would be a better location than the house on the farm," I said.

We started going through what it would take and he said I needed to put a more secure storm door on the front and a metal door on the back. Both exterior doors needed deadbolts that went into the door frame at least an inch and the door frames would be better out of metal as well.

All the lower level windows needed to have security grills installed and video cameras in each office and the reception area. He said he knew some people who could make the fixes I would need and I told him I wanted the video to be fed to an off-site location. I knew I would need to put up signs telling everyone the surveillance cameras were there for security reasons and their own protection.

I made a list of all the changes we needed to make and heard the doorbell ring. I went back to the door and one of the neighbors was standing there looking very uncomfortable.

"Is there something I can do for you Mrs Peters?" I asked opening the door.

"Kathy?" Mrs Peters asked.

"No Mrs Peters, I'm Alex," I said.

"I didn't expect to see anyone here after hearing your brother died," Mrs Peters said.

"Mrs Peters I own this house and David lived here only because I didn't feel like fighting to force him out. It's no secret the feelings between him and I and I'm sure by now everyone knows I'm the one who killed him," I said.

"I remember the last time I saw you and him go at it and you telling him if he ever touched your sisters and brother you would kill him," Mrs Peters said.

"That was a long time ago Mrs Peters, and has very little to do with what happened that cost him his life," I said.

"I'm sorry dear I didn't mean to pry," Mrs Peters said turning to go.

"Mrs Peters, I know you came here for a reason, if it was in hopes of talking to either of my parents or one of my sisters, I'm afraid they won't be moving back here since I'm turning the house into law offices. If however you knew it was me who was here and came by hoping to get my help you'll need to tell me what help I can give," I said.

She turned back around and pushed her way into the house. Before she would say anything she wanted to know who Marc was and if it was safe to talk in front of him.

I assured her anything said would be kept confidential and Marc was former FBI and understood anything one of my clients said was to remain lawyer client classified, in other words he would never tell anyone what was said.

She still gave Marc a dirty look like she didn't trust him so he took the notepad and went to some of the other rooms making a list of changes that were needed.

As soon as he was gone from the room she said she needed help, because her husband was trying to take her girls away from her and he was doing it so he could do to them what had been done to Jesse. I didn't tell her I too had suffered the same treatment, and never said anything because I thought it was the only way I had of protecting my sisters.

I did tell her she needed to go to either the police or the district attorneys office and tell them. If she needed someone to go with her I would be more than willing, but there really wasn't much I could do about a case that was just getting started.

She nodded and I knew she wasn't going to do anything because she was terrified of losing her children.

"Mrs Peters, I can't help if you aren't willing to listen to me. If you need a lawyer I'm willing to do all I can to keep your husband from taking your children, but the best way of protecting the children is to go forward to either the police, or FBI, or if you aren't comfortable talking with either of them go to the district attorneys office and tell them. If you want me to represent you I would suggest the police and be with you the whole time so they don't ask questions that aren't reasonable or might implicate you in any way," I said.

"But I can't afford to pay you anything? Alex I don't have any money and haven't worked since I got married twenty years ago," Mrs Peters said.

"I understand that Mrs Peters and that doesn't change what I said. If you want me for a lawyer you'll listen to what I say. I'm willing to represent you and if you feel the need to pay me somehow I know an organization that can really use some help, if you'll volunteer to help at that organization for six months you'll have paid off your bill to me and will have something you can put on a resume for future employment," I said.

"And what organization might that be?" Mrs Peters asked.

"Are you hiring me to be your attorney? If not I don't see what difference it makes," I said.

"Your the first lawyer I've talked to that said they would be willing to represent me at all, so I guess whatever the organization is, it's probably worthy or you wouldn't suggest it, and I know it won't have anything to do with that church, so yes I'm asking you to be my attorney," Mrs Peters said.

"The organization I'm suggesting is the Pride Center, the director is my sister Kathy and right now they are extremely busy trying to get the Pride Fest setup, Mrs Peters I only received my state approval to open a law office this afternoon so don't really have an office aside from the one I have at the Pride Center from when I was the director, if you'd be willing to meet me there tomorrow after your children leave for school say about nine-thirty, that would be the best place for us to talk for now. Since I do own both the building the Pride Center is in and this building until I can get my offices setup here I will be using my office there," I said.

I gave her the address and told her if she was serious about hiring me I would see her in the morning in my office at the Pride Center.

Marc walked in as Mrs Peters left. I knew he heard me tell her where to meet me in the morning and asked if I had let Kathy know she wouldn't be able to move into my office until I had this place setup.

"Marc if I'm not mistaken everyone of my sisters said I could count on them if I'd just come back from wherever it was I went. Do you really think they wouldn't help me when I own both this house and the building the Pride Center is in? I can assure you Kathy does know I own both buildings, she is one hell of an accountant," I said.

"I take it she took accounting in college?" Marc asked.

"That wasn't her major, but after she graduated she liked it better and does have an associates degree in it," I said.

He laughed and let the matter drop.

I made one last stop on the way home to talk to Kathy and let her know until I had the house setup I would be using my office at the Pride Center, but the operations of the Pride Center were all hers, I would be there strictly as a lawyer working independently from the Center.

Jeff almost attacked me when I walked through the door, wanting to know if Kathy lost her mind about her taking over and if he had problems she was the one he needed to talk to about them.

"Jeff, it's such a pleasure to see you too. I take it you don't like the way Kathy does things, I don't know what to tell you because as soon as we get a few new board members I'll be resigning, and for now am acting CEO only, because I don't really have time to do much around here and deal with my law practice at the same time. Now if you'll excuse me I do need to talk to Kathy if she's still here," I said ignoring any further protests he might have.

I stuck my head in Kathy's office and waited for her to acknowledge me before entering fully.

I took a seat at the desk opposite her and waited while she finished her phone call.

"You still alright sis?" Kathy asked.

"I'm fine, but do need to ask if you mind me using my office here until I get my new offices setup, to run my law practice from," I said.

"And where are these new offices going to be?" Kathy asked.

"A place both of us learned to hate growing up, you knew I bought mom and dads house, I figured if I setup my offices there I might actually learn to like the place, and I know it will work well for a location for law offices, I even gained my first client while there this afternoon trying to figure out what changes needed to be made to make it secure," I said.

"I see, have you talked to Niki and Nancy, or even mom about this?" Kathy asked.

"Kathy, David was the last one living there. He's dead now and I kicked him out shortly before killing him anyway, the last I remember neither Niki nor Nancy wanted to return to that neighborhood to live and mom seems perfectly content staying with you and Jennifer," I said.

"I hate you sometimes, you know that? I was hoping now with David gone and dad in jail mom might want to return home. I do love having her around and Jennifer does as well, but it would be nice to finally have a little privacy," Kathy said.

"Then send them out to my place, we have the room and with Marc working on the farm all day and me here in town it would be nice to have someone out there keeping an eye on things and helping with the cleaning," I said.

"That might work for Niki, but mom doesn't like to drive and living out there would never go anywhere, she wouldn't have any kind of social life," Kathy said.

"If mom needs to go anywhere and Niki, Marc or I can't manage, Erica, Marc's sister can probably help out and would probably love having the company," I said.

"That's why I hate you sometimes, you've already figured out all the angles before saying anything," Kathy said.

"Actually in this I didn't figure out the angles ahead. I never even thought of most of the things you brought up, until you brought them up," I said.

"But you do always seem to have an answer that makes your idea seem the only possible answer. You know I'll love having you here until you have your new offices ready, and I'll try to keep Jeff from bothering you or your clients," Kathy said.

I smiled and said my good byes letting her know I had no intention of interfering with whatever she did with the Center and agreed to remain on the board at least until she had a few other board members.

Marc and I headed out the door together and were again stopped by Jeff wanting to know if I intended to do anything about the changes Kathy was making.

"Jeff I stepped down this morning as head of the Center, placing Kathy the only other board member able to fill that roll. If you have a problem with Kathy I suggest you learn to work it out or find somewhere else to spend your time, as of this morning what Kathy does here is her choice and she has my full support," I said.

"You can't do that. You demanded my resignation even though for two years I was the only board member that was here regularly. Now you tell me you placed a board member who after the first year the Center was in operation became inactive as the head of the Center, you can't do that," Jeff protested.

"Jeff you may have been active where Kathy wasn't, but it was people you let in here that almost destroyed the Center and changed its mission statement without approval of the board. I asked for your resignation because you don't have the backbone to stand up to people like Maude and her kind, maybe if you would have, it would be you in charge now instead of Kathy, but since I do still own this building and am still a board member of the Center and Kathy is the only other board member still living you have no say in who is in charge and will either abide the requests of the person in charge or find somewhere else to work and hang out. If you try coming to me again I will have you escorted from the property and you will not be welcome here as either paid staff or a volunteer. Have I made myself clear on the matter?" I asked, knowing there was a touch of anger in my voice.

"Yes you've made yourself clear, you've made yourself crystal clear," Jeff said.

I just wanted to go home and not be faced with another crisis, I was exhausted, and that I was still recovering from my last attempt at suicide, I knew I shouldn't be trying to put in so many hours yet.

Marc asked if I felt up to driving and I tossed my keys at him and slid in the passenger seat laying my head back against the head rest and was gone.

## Chapter 15

Marc didn't wake me to come in the house instead lifting me out of the car and carrying me in. When I woke I had no idea where I was, or how I had gotten there. The last thing I remembered was getting in the car. I felt something move and rolled over to find Marc staring at me.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"Almost time for you to get ready to go to work if your going to meet Mrs Peters at nine-thirty," Marc said.

"I don't remember anything after I slid in the passenger seat," I said.

"I carried you in and put you in bed. Alex you need to take things a little slower at least until your arms are healed," Marc said.

"I didn't mean to push so hard the last few days, but there's still so much to do. Today besides the meeting with Mrs Peters I need to find a contractor to start getting the house turned into offices," I said.

"How about if I take care of the contractor and you take it easy?" Marc asked.

"I want the changes we discussed and nothing extra or fancy, I don't want to sink a lot of money into this. What I really need from the contractor is how long it will take and I want an honest time frame. I would rather it take less time than they planned then have it take more time so they have to rush to get it finished," I said.

"Do you know what kind of furniture you want?" Marc asked.

"I'll need a conference table, and a desk for myself. Niki said she would love to help as a para-legal at least until she finishes school and passes her bar exams. I want to turn the upstairs into a library and the basement into an archive. Set up a couple two main level bedrooms as offices I'll take the master for my office and I'll pick out my own desk and chairs. The other office will be more or less standard desk and chairs. I'm sure Niki would love having study tables in the library with comfortable chairs she can help pick out and as a para-legal she'll be spending most of her time looking up case law and chasing papers for me," I said.

"I think it would be best to let you and Niki do the furniture shopping then. One last question, do you really think I could do PI work?" Marc asked.

"Marc if you think I would ever ask for pictures of cheating spouses you don't know me very well. The kind of investigative work I would need is more like the police should do, checking alibis and tracking down ballistics on guns and things like that," I said.

"In other words standard police work? If I can find you someone better at it, that won't cost a small fortune every time you need them, would that help?" Marc asked.

"I asked you because I can't see you being content here on the farm every day all day. If it were simply finding someone competent, that wouldn't be that hard since I know several investigators from my time doing contract negotiations and disputes," I said.

It was obvious he had no idea the connections I had. He wanted to help, but wasn't sure any longer he could, unless it was on my terms. The look in his eyes said my words hurt, because he wanted to do things and I was able to do them better, or at least it seemed that way. I wasn't sure what I could do to take the sting out of what was said, and felt bad because of it.

With me he was getting someone he couldn't begin to understand since he only knew I had been abused as a child, but had no idea the depth of the abuse. I had an education that placed me in the top of my field giving me an authority that few others could understand. The only thing I hadn't as yet done was prove myself in other aspects of law than constitutional and contract law, and from everything any of the lawyers he knew said about me, was they hoped they never found themselves on the opposite side of a dispute from me.

I needed to get going if I hoped to be on time for the meeting I had at nine-thirty. I still needed a shower and it always took me at least a half hour to get my hair and makeup done. I went in the bathroom and stood there looking at myself in the mirror wondering if I would ever feel whole. Would I ever feel worthy of being loved as a person without having to prove I was strong enough. I spotted Marc's straight razor sitting there and wanted to pick it up and undo everything the doctors had done to save my life from my last attempt. In the conference room or the court room I knew I was good enough, I had proven myself time and time again, yet in every other aspect of my life I felt lost and alone.

I knew Marc loved me and knew he thought he needed to prove it time and time again, and didn't understand why. Was it his way of showing me I was good enough? Did he think if he could prove it enough times I would find a reason to live?

I turned away from the razor and slipped off my nightie and stepped in the shower letting the hot water wash away the lingering horrors from the day before. I had a client coming by at nine-thirty to talk to me and hopefully let me help them keep from falling subject to the horrors inflicted on women in this mans world that held men in such high regard, while looking down on women as though they were less than human.

I dried off and turned to look in the mirror and the straight razor was there again. I tried to look away, but felt it drawing me into its call. It would be so easy, and then the pain would stop. The cares that held me to this world would no longer matter as I moved beyond the reach of men. I felt the razor in my hand and tried to clear my thoughts dropping the razor and turning away from it. Maybe if I didn't see it any longer I could shut it out and want life again. I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to live either, and the struggle was one, I knew I had lost twice now. Could I not give in to the pain and choose life? Did I want to live more than I wanted freedom from the pain I suffered? Marc loved me, he said he did so many times. He showed me he did in so many ways. Could his love hold me to this life? Did I love him enough not to cause him any more hurt?

"Marc!" I called out hoping if he were standing there I would be able to choose life.

He came in the bathroom almost before the sound of me calling him faded and saw the razor where I dropped it.

I was sure he was afraid I cut myself, but he didn't say anything, just bent over and picked up the razor.

"I... I'm scared," I said.

He opened a drawer and dropped the razor inside closing the drawer before taking me in his arms.

"I'm here. You don't need to be afraid, I'm not going anywhere," Marc said.

"You don't understand. I know you love me, I just don't understand why. I don't understand how anyone can love me," I said.

He didn't say anything, just stood there holding me. After my tears slowed I said I needed to finish getting ready or I'd be late for my appointment and that wasn't a good way of gaining clients.

He let me go, but stayed close in case I might have another problem I might need him for.

When I finished with my makeup I looked in the mirror and opted to run my brush through my hair and let it go. Unless I decided to do something other than brush my hair it didn't take very long and I did like how my hair was starting to look again since the last time I had gotten it fixed at the salon. I made a mental note to find out what salon Kathy used and see about making an appointment to get my hair done there since I loved the way her hair was done all the time.

"Did you want me to go with?" Marc asked.

"I think I'll be alright now. It's just seeing your straight razor sitting on the sink... it was like it was calling to me and I was afraid I might hurt you if I listened to it, yet I couldn't not hear it until you wrapped your arms around me," I said.

He gave me a hug and told me he would always be here if I needed him, and he'd try to do better about not leaving his razor sitting on the sink.

I reached up giving him a kiss and he walked me out to my car and gave me another kiss before letting me get in.

"I love you Marc," I said.

"I'll see you tonight," Marc replied, blowing another kiss and saying he loved me too.

I pulled in the parking lot for the Pride Center right at nine o'clock and found Kathy's car parked in the space I had always used in the past. I smiled and parked in the space next to her and headed inside hoping to get my office straightened up a little before Mrs Peters showed up.

When I walked in the door I expected Jeff to corner me as he had done the previous day and was pleasantly surprised when he didn't, only to find Mrs Peters was already there waiting for me.

"Mrs Peters, if you'll give me a few minutes to get my office squared around..." I said. Hoping she understood I wasn't exactly on top of things this morning.

"Alex, I... that son-of-a-bitch served me with divorce papers last night. I brought them with me, I hope that was the right thing to do," Mrs Peters said.

"Mrs Peters, that was exactly the right thing to do, but I do need to get my office straightened around a bit since until this morning I've been working for the Pride Center out of this office, and now that Kathy is running the Pride Center I have a few files that I need to give her," I said.

I opened my office and found Niki sitting behind my desk.

"Niki I'm afraid that's my chair and my desk. Why aren't you in school, I thought you wanted to be a lawyer?"

"I'm sorry Alex, I didn't think it would hurt anything to see how it felt. As for school I told my professor you accepted me as a para-legal and he said you should be able to teach me more than he ever could and as long as I reported once a week to let him know what I was learning he was willing to let me spend the time here helping you," Niki said.

"And just how long can I count on you being here before you have to be back at school for another class?" I asked.

"Until noon," Niki said.

"Can you take those files sitting there over to Kathy and on your way let Mrs Peters know she can come in. Niki when you've dropped off those files I need you to see about finding me some information on hostile divorce cases and start finding out all you can about Mr Peters recent activities along with getting me all the information you can on his divorce attorney," I said.

"I guess you want it all in that order?" Niki asked.

"I probably should have an idea about Mr Peters divorce attorney first, but whatever order you can get that information in is fine, I'll have the name of the other lawyer shortly after Mrs Peters is in my office," I said.

Niki picked up the files I indicated and headed out the door stopping just long enough to let Mrs Peters know I was ready for her.

Mrs Peters came in my office looking lost and afraid.

"I'm sorry about having you wait I slept in this morning or I would have been here an hour ago. If you have a copy of those papers I can look at, I'm sure we can find someway of easing your fears at least a little," I said.

She set the papers on my desk and I started scanning them for everything I might need to ease Mrs Peters fears.

The first thing to pop out was the name of the other lawyer involved in this mess, and knew right away I could change the playing field going in. This man was terrified of me the last time we had any dealings, and I knew if he found out I was Mrs Peters attorney he would start advising his client to be a bit more reasonable in his demands of having verifiable proof of the allegations listed against Mrs Peters.

I started making notes about each paragraph as I scanned it and watched Mrs Peters expression as my notes got longer and longer, by the time I reached the end of the papers and set them down looking up.

"I'm going to need to ask you some questions that you may not want to answer. I'm going to insist you do answer them though, or I'm not sure there'll be much I can do to help," I said.

The fear she showed when she entered the office seemed as nothing to the fear I saw now.

"Mrs Peters, anything you say here will stay here, the questions aren't meant to cast any kind of judgment against you, they're so I can come up with the best way of defending you as the better choice to retain custody of your children," I said.

I asked about each of the points in the papers she had been served trying to show her as an unfit mother. And she answered each question as though not sure of herself. Many of the charges were such I knew the answer before asking the question, but insisted she answer anyway so she could understand better what could happen if I couldn't get many of the charges removed, something I was certain I wouldn't have a problem with since I knew the other attorney and that he feared going up against me and would do all he could to work things out outside of the court room.

After talking with Mrs Peters for I'm sure what seemed hours to her I let her know I would have a response ready by morning for her to sign so I could file it with the courts.

As soon as she was out of my office Niki came in with several books saying she had been studying them for her classes and thought there was probably what I was looking for in them.

"Niki, while I know there are examples in those books we need to get the books that hold the actual cases, or we can't use it if we end up in court. I know the books are available containing the cases and it would be a good idea to get copies of them for future use. If you need money to get them let me know and I'll see you have it and don't be surprised if they seem rather expensive, because they are. Each book on case law I ever had to buy was between one hundred and five hundred dollars. For this case we will need books dealing with divorce and family law. I also want you looking for books dealing with criminal law, but those books can wait for now," I said.

"I found out a little about Mr Peters lawyer," Niki said.

"I'd be interested in hearing what you've found out, but right now I need to make a phone call to him and see if he's determined to stick with what he put in the divorce papers he filed," I said.

"You already know him?" Niki asked.

"He used to be a contract lawyer and we went head-to-head a few times. The last time I talked to him he said he was changing to family law so he'd never have to face me again," I said.

Niki shook her head and turned leaving, I hoped to find the books I asked for.

I didn't want this call recorded so took out my cell phone and called the number listed for the lawyer I was going to be facing in this divorce case.

"Burke and Burke, may I help you," the receptionist answered the phone.

"I need to speak with Nathan Burke, could you let him know it's Alex DeMay, and it looks like we're counsellings opposite sides of a divorce," I said.

A moment later Nathan was on the phone asking when I had gotten into family law.

"You don't sound happy to hear from me Nate, and after all those times I tried to be nice to you in the courtroom," I said.

"You nice in the courtroom? Ha ha care to try saying something a little funnier?" Nate asked.

"Nate I'm calling to let you know I'm representing Mrs Peters in this divorce and on the papers she was served last night you're listed as Mr Peters attorney. I was hoping we might be able to talk our clients into coming to a more equitable agreement in their parting of ways," I said.

"And why should I be interested in trying to make some kind of deal? If what Mr Peters told me is true, everything I've asked for in that filing should be granted without problem," Nate said.

"Nate what is your record against me in court? If I'm not mistaken it isn't very good and your clients that were willing to work out a deal outside the courtroom always came out better than if we went to court. I can assure you if I didn't have proof that the claims are a lie I wouldn't have taken Mrs Peters as a client, now if you want to see this whole thing fly back in your face leave things as they are and I'll be more than happy to insure Mrs Peters retains custody of the children with Mr Peters having to pay enough in support and alimony to keep both Mrs Peters and the children living in the manner they're accustomed, or goes to jail on abuse charges, or both, along with Mr Peters losing any and all visitation rights with the children," I said.

"You have proof Mr Peters side is a lie?" Nate asked.

"I don't repeat myself Nate, that is something you should have learned when you were still practicing contract law," I said.

There was a long pause and I wondered if Nate was ever going to say anything. Niki stuck her head in the door and said she needed my credit card if I wanted those books I asked for, letting me know the total bill would be upwards of three thousand dollars and we should have the books in less than a week.

"Niki, make sure when you order on line like this you're getting the most current versions of the books. A friend of mine ordered some books and got books so outdated they were worthless, also for now have them sent here, once we get the offices setup everything like that will be sent there," I said.

"Where are the new offices going to be?" Niki asked.

"The house we grew up in. Niki I own that house and since I can't see any of the family ever wanting to live there again I thought using it for law offices would be a good use for it since I really would rather not sell it," I said.

"Mom and I were talking about moving back there," Niki said.

Nate finally said something and I asked Niki to wait while I completed the call to Nate.

Nate wanted to meet for lunch within the next week and I agreed as long as he was buying and didn't mind me bringing along my assistant. I smiled at Niki and told her we had a lunch date for the end of the week and if she wouldn't be able to make it she needed to let me know before the lunch date.

"Niki I would rather you and mom come out with Marc and I than have you try moving back there," I said.

"I'll talk to mom about it tonight... but what if you and Marc decide to have kids?" Niki asked.

"I didn't say anything about you staying in our home with us. Niki there's what's known as a mother-in-law house that currently isn't being used. It might need a little work to get livable, but from what I've seen of it, it shouldn't take much," I said.

Her smile got even bigger at the thought that her and mom might have a place of their own.

I suspected she needed to get back to school soon and asked if she felt up to doing some furniture shopping the next day.

"It might be better if we go today unless you have other things you need to do," Niki said.

"What about school?" I asked.

"I really don't have any for the next three weeks it's end of quarter and I've already taken all my finals for this quarter," Niki said.

I heard the phone ring and assumed Kathy answered it.

"Alex the DA is on the phone and wants to talk to you," Kathy said sticking her head in the door.

I looked at the phone to see what lines were lit up and only the private line was showing as having a call on it.

"Did they say what they want?" I asked.

"Only that they want to talk to you," Kathy said.

"Tell them I'm not available, and if it's important they should try me on my phone rather than a line that's recorded on all income and outgoing calls," I said.

"That line isn't hooked into that system is it?" Kathy asked.

"No, but they don't need to know that," I said.

Niki said this was the best day for her to do our shopping for office furniture, and I had no intention of delaying any longer since I still had to get the papers for Mrs Peters divorce written and filed if at all possible.

I took Niki's hand and headed for the door hearing my cell phone start ringing and ignoring it letting it go to voicemail.

Niki gave me a strange look when I drove past several furniture stores until I pulled into an office furniture store.

"I didn't know there were stores that specialized in office furniture," Niki said.

"I looked it up yesterday. I'm hoping they'll let us not take delivery for a week or so, since I know it will take at least that long before the office is ready," I said.

"May I help you ladies," someone looking to be a salesman asked when we entered.

I looked at them and started laughing, and Niki started laughing shortly after.

"I said something funny?" the person asked.

"Not at all I just never expected to see you working somewhere like this. I thought your father owned a big furniture store here in town," I said.

"This is a furniture store. Do I know you somehow?" he asked.

"I guess it has been a few years and I imagine I look a bit different, but you should remember my baby sister," I said.

"I'm sorry, I..." he said.

"You'll have to forgive him Alex. He was involved in a car accident about two years ago and is still in the process of regaining his lost memories," someone else said coming up to offer assistance.

"I'm sorry to hear that, I didn't know," I apologized.

"It's alright perhaps you'll be able to spark a memory that will help. I'm guessing your here to find some office furniture," the owner said.

I asked about having whatever we found delivered and he said that wouldn't be a problem and wanted to know when we would need everything delivered. Niki and I both started laughing again and this time the store owner gave a us puzzled look.

"I'm sorry, but right now I'm not sure when we'll be ready only that it will be within the next month. I'm setting up my law offices in my parents old home and need to do a little remodeling before it's ready and I haven't even contacted a contractor to handle the remodeling yet," I said.

"I see. I'm sure we can manage to hold most everything until you're ready for it as long as we aren't talking more than say three months?" he asked.

"I'm sure we aren't talking that long, I doubt Kathy would let me use my office at the Pride Center that long," I said again laughing.

"You and Kathy are the ones who run the Pride Center?" he asked.

"We're the ones who started the local chapter of the Pride Center, but for the last two years I've been unable to do anything and since getting back have fired one board member and turned everything over to Kathy so I can open my own law firm," I said.

"The Pride Center was very helpful when Don told us he felt wrong, someone named Ellen is who we talked to, I believe," he said.

"About the same time Ellen was killed is when I became unable to help out at the Center for the last couple years. I was the one who brought Ellen on at the Center and gave her a seat on the board, she was a wonderful woman," I said.

"She's dead? I didn't know, we had an appointment to speak with her the day of the accident. I hadn't gotten out of here yet when we got the call Don was hurt and they didn't expect him to make it," he said.

"The police report says someone broke in the house and raped and murdered both Ellen and her daughter. The same people who murdered her set me up on a murder charge and somehow arranged to make it stick. It took two years before I was able to prove my innocence and get out of jail. One of those responsible are now dead and a few of the others are sitting in jail awaiting trial," I said.

"Do you know anything about transgender and what it really means?" he asked.

I heard Niki snicker and gave her a dirty look before answering.

"I have a fair knowledge about the transgender community," I said.

Niki started laughing out right.

"It seems your sister thinks otherwise," he said.

"That's because she thinks I know everything, and that I happen to be a trans-woman," I said.

"You're... but you're so beautiful, I never would have guessed," he stuttered.

"I'm guessing Ellen never told you she was a trans-woman," I said.

"You're kidding me, right? Ellen had a daughter and was married," he said.

"Yes she did have a daughter, and yes she was married, but her daughter was adopted and her husband is now my fiancée," I said.

Nothing more was said about the trans issues and the store owner showed us around making suggestions if we weren't really sure about what we wanted in some things.

We picked out desks and chairs for each of us along with a couch for the reception area and a desk and chair. I decided we would likely need two file cabinets but chose to get four, four drawer cabinets and four bookshelves as well. I added a half dozen stationary chairs so we could put two in each office and have a couple more in the reception area.

I asked that none of the furniture be delivered until I called or two months if that wasn't to inconvenient. The total cost was more than I hoped, but less than my worst case scenario so I wrote out the check without changing any of the order.

On the way back to the office I stopped at a contractor I had worked with and asked if they did remodels.

"Alex it's been a long time, is there something we can do for you?" Jim the owner of the company asked when I walked in.

"I hope so Jim. I'm opening my own law office and was hoping you might be able to do a little remodeling for me at a reasonable price," I said.

"I imagine if your willing to become my contract attorney again I might be able to help out," Jim said winking.

"I imagine I can still handle a contract negotiation if I need to," I said, "but contracts won't be all I deal with this time around, though if I can drum up enough business I might bring in another attorney or two just to handle contracts," I said.

"But you'd be willing to handle mine personally?" Jim asked.

"To start it wouldn't be like I have a lot of other options since I'll be the only lawyer working for me until I get things up and running," I said.

"So what is this remodeling you need done?" Jim asked.

For the next hour we went over what the house looked like now and the changes I hoped to make. I suggested we meet at the house the following day so he could get a better idea of dimensions and what was and wasn't possible. I wanted his suggestions since I had very little knowledge of what walls were weight baring as he called it and what walls weren't so it could either be removed or moved as needed.

Before leaving Jim had a good idea what I was hoping for and agreed to meet me at the house in the morning about nine so we could go through it and gain a better understand of what was and wasn't possible and what kind of time it would take before I could start moving in.

I really needed to get back to the office and get those divorce papers drawn up for Mrs Peters and thought about what legal forms I had in my computer hoping at least one of them would work for the filing document.

In the office I started going through the document formates I had comparing them to the one Mrs Peters received and found my contract draft format came closer than any of the others.

Niki sat there watching as I started filling it out with the modified proposal and asked why I didn't just use a properly formatted processor instead of doing it in the wrong format and having to reformat when I got done.

"Because I don't have the right formatting on here yet and once I get this done it won't be hard to save the format so in the future this kind of document will be a simple matter of typing it in," I said.

"I have the proper formatting on my computer, if you want I can show you," Niki said.

She pulled out her little laptop and within moments had a document page up with the correct formatting ready to fill in with whatever we wanted.

I gave her a list of what needed to be in the document and let her have at it figuring on reading through whatever she came up with before having her take it by for Mrs Peters signature so we could file it with the courts.

I started working on a contract for Jim trading his work on the house for a one year retainer fee, noting that said retainer fee only insure my firm would be available for any contract negotiations, or disputes he might have over the next year. When I was ready to print it I remembered I didn't have any legal paper for the printer since the Center so rarely dealt in legal matters.

"Niki I need to run down to the office supply store and pick up some legal paper, is there anything else you can think of we might need that we don't have?" I asked.

She suggested a few things like staplers and paper clips, file folders and hangers, and I made a list since most of the filing supplies the Center had wouldn't work for us as a law firm.

I added a few things she didn't mention like a small file cabinet that we would be able to take with when we moved.

"Ms DeMay, it's a pleasure seeing you in here again, I'm guessing your here to pick up the office supplies for the Pride Center?" the store supervisor greeted me.

"Actually I'm here to pick up a few supplies for my law practice, and maybe open an account for my law practice," I replied.

"Your law practice? I didn't know you were a lawyer," he said.

"I haven't done anything for a few years, but it was as a lawyer I made my money. Something about being one of the best constitutional and contract lawyers in the state, and according to some the country. I never did figure out why they said that since all I did was my best for my clients," I said.

"Wait a minute now that I think about it our parent company was in a contract dispute and settled rather than going to court because of the lawyer they would have faced, someone named Alex DeMay," he said.

"Do you know what my name is William?" I asked.

"Ms DeMay," he said.

"Ms, is simply a title, my name is Alexandra Kate DeMay, I happen to be an attorney at law who retired for a few years to do something for the LGBTQI community. Now I'm getting back into law, and this time with my own practice," I said.

## Chapter 16

When I finally got back with the office supplies I was ready to call it a day. I bought a printer as well so I wasn't changing paper back and forth. Niki hooked up the printer and I had both documents printed in no time. While my contract with Jim printed I looked over the divorce papers Niki did and found one mistake and had Niki fix it before printing it and asking Niki if she could take it by Mrs Peters for her signature and get it filed with the courts.

"Alex, I would rather you go with to get Mrs Peters signature if you don't mind. That isn't a very nice neighborhood for any of us DeMay's," Niki said.

So much for going right home, I knew Niki was right, but hoped she would have her boyfriend or even the police go with her. I picked up my purse and headed for the door.

"If we're going lets go. Do you think you can figure out how to file them with the court or do you need my help with that as well?" I asked.

She gave me a dirty look and said she knew the principal of how to file court documents, but had never actually filed any before.

"We better use my car then since it looks like I'm going to have to babysit you through this the first few times," I said, sounding snippy and not caring.

"I'm not a baby anymore. I'm sorry I don't know all this stuff yet, but I'm just learning and haven't ever done any of it. This is the first time I've ever worked for a real lawyer on a real case," Niki said.

"I'm sorry, it isn't anything you've done, I'm just tired and still recovering from... I'll try harder not to get so snippy with you, but I can't promise it won't happen," I said.

She looked at me and suggested we take her car, that way I could relax, but still be there if she needed help.

I didn't argue with her since I wasn't sure I was up to even driving home as tired as I felt.

At Mrs Peters, Niki ran in and was back almost before her door shut.

"She won't sign it, she said it was all a big misunderstanding, and she wanted to forget the whole thing," Niki said.

I opened the door and slid out of the car making sure I had my cell phone within easy reach if needed. I rang the bell and stood there waiting.

"Elizabeth, I'm not in the habit of having a client tell me it was just a big misunderstanding when I know it wasn't. Do you really think I couldn't read the fear in your eyes yesterday and this morning, let alone now. If there's a reason for you changing your mind while I can still see the fear in your eyes perhaps I should call the police down here to have a look around and possibly even schedule making rounds to insure whatever it is that your so afraid of, can't bother you," I said.

"Alex you don't understand..." Mrs Peters started.

"Your right, I don't understand, and unless you're willing to tell me what's going on I can't understand," I said.

"She's telling you she doesn't want anything you have to offer bitch," Mr Peters said opening the door wide and stepping out on the porch in a threatening manner.

"I see. She doesn't want my help because you said she doesn't, is that right?" I asked.

"Something like that ya," Mr Peters said. I nodded to Niki and watched as she dialed her phone to call either Marc or the police, and I hoped it was the latter not the former.

"I see, so you feel you can control what someone else does simply because your a man?" I asked.

"You aren't welcome here bitch, and if you don't get I'll remove you by whatever means necessary," Mr Peters said.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not here to see you, and Elizabeth, who I am here to see hasn't said she doesn't want me here, and hasn't asked me to leave. I'm guessing she would rather I stay and you leave from what I see," I said.

He reached to grab me and I stepped to the side so he caught nothing but air and lost his balance.

"Be careful when dealing with people you don't know, you may be over matched, as my brother found out multiple times," I said.

"I'm not afraid of a cunt like you," Mr Peters said reaching out to grab me again.

I stepped in closer to him this time crossing my right leg in front of him and his reach again threw him off balance and the step to regain it hit my leg causing him to go down.

I stood there waiting for him to try something and wasn't disappointed when he did. This time instead of trying to grab me he took a swing. I blocked his swing and twisted his arm in the same move again throwing him off balance and on the ground. As yet I hadn't done anything that could remotely be considered physical or threatening, but knew he was getting angrier with each failure to grab or hit me.

I stepped back while he regained his feet and smiled the most innocent smile I could find, knowing even in that he would become more agitated and make even more mistakes in his attempts to force me off the property.

He glared at me and charged in an attempt to tackle me the way David had done so many times. I stepped into his charge causing him to try adjusting and brought my knee up catching him in the groin and watched him fly backward clutching his groin in agony.

"I tried to warn you, and you obviously didn't listen, be careful about who you try getting physical with, if you don't know them. In this case I will tell you I have two black belts in martial arts and am more than capable of defending myself," I said.

He rolled over on his back still clutching his groin cussing that he couldn't believe he just got handed his ass by a girl.

Elizabeth came out and asked if I was alright giving Mr Peters a dirty look.

"Elizabeth I have those papers for you to sign and they do include a restraining order prohibiting him from coming within five hundred yards of you or your daughters," I said.

"I don't think a restraining order would do much good for keeping him away from me or my daughters," Elizabeth said.

"Perhaps not, but if he did violate the order he would go to jail," I said.

"And what good would that do me if he tried what he did tonight again?" she asked.

A police car pulled up and I watched as Niki met the officers and told them she was the one who called and what was going on.

One of the officers walked over to Mr Peters and stood there waiting for him to say or do anything, while the other one came over to talk to Elizabeth and I.

"Mind if I ask what happened here?" the officer asked.

"I believe Mr Peters didn't like that his wife has filed for a divorce he filled for first, and intended to keep her attorney from talking to her," I said.

The officer looked at Elizabeth and then at me.

"And which of you ladies did the damage here?" the officer asked.

"Officer all I wanted was to talk to my client and he tried forcing me to leave without doing so. At no time did I try forcing my way into the home, but as an officer of the court did feel the need to insist on being able to talk with my client. The pain he is in now is pain of his own making since he felt it necessary to charge me in an attempt to tackle me thus running head long into my knee with his groin," I said.

The officer winched, but chuckled at the same time. He looked at Elizabeth and asked her if she was my client and if she did indeed wish to talk with me.

"I... when I got home from picking up my girls from school he was waiting for me and said if I didn't tell Alex I didn't want her to represent me any longer he would make sure I never saw my girls again. Officer I was scared so did what he said, but am very glad Alex didn't listen to anything but the fear I felt. I feel much safer now and do wish for her to be my attorney," Elizabeth said.

The officer joined his partner and a short time later both returned to Elizabeth and I wanting to know if Elizabeth wanted to press charges against her husband for domestic violence.

Elizabeth looked at me and frowned.

"I think at this time if Mr Peters understands that there is a restraining order attached to the divorce we are seeking and is willing to abide said court order there shouldn't be reason to press charges, however if he isn't willing to abide the court order then by all means he should be arrested and charges filled," I said.

The police officers explained that if he was willing to leave peacefully he was free to go, but if they were called out again because of him he would go to jail.

"I suppose you'll be making rounds to insure I don't come back?" Mr Peters asked.

"Yes sir we will. Sir there are a lot of people in this area under investigation and I sure hope you aren't one of them, because word is when they go down they are going down hard, and some of them will likely be spending the rest of their lives in prison," one of the officers said.

The look on Mr Peters face said everything. He'd heard the rumors and knew at least two men had already been arrested. Had his wife done him a favor by resisting letting him take either of his daughters to those meetings? He mellowed out and thanked the officers for being honest with him.

I walked out to Niki's car and slid in the passenger side while Niki slid behind the wheel.

"I don't understand, it was like you goaded him into getting violent," Niki said.

"In a way I did. As long as he remained calm he thought he remained in charge and I wouldn't have been able to get Elizabeth to go against him. As soon as he started trying to use force he no longer controlled the situation, I did, then Elizabeth understood her only chance was to trust me," I said.

"The way you moved was something to watch, is that what they taught you in your martial arts classes?" Niki asked.

"Niki martial arts are an exercise to bring the body and mind into harmony. When the body and mind are in harmony it's easier to see, think and understand. Because of what dad and David did I needed to learn the balance martial arts teaches just to be able to remain sane, so what happened to Jesse didn't happen to me," I said.

"Kathy said you were abused even worse than Jesse was, I know a lot of the abuse Jesse suffered was sexual, but surely they didn't abuse you that way, you were supposed to be a boy," Niki said.

"If you're hoping I'll tell you about what happened and everything I went through to protect you, Kathy and Nancy forget it. If you remember what happened yesterday know it was brought on by the memories of growing up in the situation we grew up in. I know why Jesse reverted back to a little girl. When Kathy and I turned eight everything changed, until then we had a wonderful family, we were happy and loved each other, then one day it all changed. Believe me it really didn't happen all at once, but as a kid it seemed like it did," I said.

"You were sexually abused weren't you?" Niki asked.

"I did what I had to do to protect those I loved most, let it go at that, please," I said.

Niki drove to the court house and we walked in together, I wasn't sure where we needed to go so stopped at the directory and started going through all the different departments hoping I could find the right department simply by the department names.

"You look lost Alex," Brent said coming up behind me.

"You could say that. Brent I need to file some divorce papers with the court and have no idea what office does that," I said.

"If you want I can walk you down there, I'm headed that way to file some papers as well, I just hope it isn't the other half of your case," Brent said.

"Nate is my opponent in this case unless he resigned after finding out I'm representing the wife," I said.

"I'm sure he cussed up a storm when he found that out. This is the place, filing doesn't take as long here as it does with the criminal courts. Best of luck with your new practice," Brent said.

Once the papers were filed Niki drove me back to the Center to find Marc waiting for me without a car again.

"This seems to be getting to be a habit," I said.

"Niki said you weren't doing well, so I had Erica bring me into town," Marc said.

"Well in that case your driving home," I said sliding in the car and laying my head back against the head rest.

When he slid in I told him we needed to make one stop before going home and if I fell asleep before we got to that stop to just head for home.

I stayed awake long enough to make it to Jim's place and we pulled in right next to him. It appeared he was just returning from somewhere. He saw Marc in the driver seat and walked up to the door waiting for Marc to step out.

"Hello Jim, I didn't know this was your business," Marc said.

"Don't lie to me Marc, so how's law enforcement these days?" Jim asked.

"I don't know, I quit and yesterday was my last day, but it does seem things are changing and the real bad guys are going to be the ones who start filling the jails now," Marc said.

"I have something that might interest you Jim," I said standing up and looking from Marc to Jim.

Jim looked over at me and smiled. "I thought I wouldn't see your beautiful smiling face again until tomorrow," Jim said.

"After I got this done I just didn't want to wait to show it to you," I said holding out the contract I had drawn up.

Jim took the contract and glanced at it then read it over a little closer.

"And what if this remodel doesn't cost as much as your standard retainer fee?" Jim asked.

"Then you get a hell of a bargain don't you? But then again what if it costs more than my retainer fee?" I asked.

He smiled at the thought and started laughing.

"Alex in all the years we've known each other your the only person I've ever met who was willing to take a loss, but not allow someone else to do likewise. I'm going to agree to this simply because of how many times you bailed me out of a mess that I know cost you," Jim said.

"Jim I really want you to read that before signing it. We'll see you in the morning," I said.

"Wait a minute, are you telling me you two are... Marc I... how is it an ugly bastard like you can catch the most beautiful women there are not just once but twice?" Jim stuttered.

Marc shrugged his shoulders and mumbled something about just being lucky as he slid in the car.

"I didn't know you knew Jim," Marc said.

"I did some contract work for him a few years back," I said.

"I can't believe we never met with how many of the same people we both know," Marc said.

"Maybe we did and just don't remember, after all you were married to a very beautiful woman who was everything you could have hoped for," I said.

He thought about it and nodded his agreement. While Ellen had been alive he was so enamored with her he never thought of looking at other women, and back then I was interested in my career, and doing what I could to help people who had several disadvantages because of who they chose to love, or who they chose to be.

Neither of us were interested in something we didn't think possible and since I had never met or talked to Marc in anything other than the occasional social setting, that I didn't know him didn't surprise me.

As tired as I was, I was still awake when we arrived home. My thoughts the whole trip after giving Jim the contract were involved in Niki wanting to know the extent of the abuse I suffered.

I knew I was going to be asked to testify and wouldn't be able to hold back on any of the abuse I suffered through, but just the thought of saying it out loud brought back the pain and indignation of my past. The horror of knowing I couldn't save my oldest sister and the doubt of being able to save anyone else in my family. At first I accepted the abuse because it was a way of being the me I knew I was, but it quickly turned ugly and I learned it was the only way of hoping to protect my sisters from becoming objects to fill the perverse needs of men unworthy of even touching them. I was broken from the start so those men couldn't break me. I was damaged beyond repair when I was born, or I would have been a girl from the start not having to prove who I was by preforming unspeakable acts for men who cared nothing for anyone, or anything beyond their perverse natures.

I was broken, the thought kept running through my mind. I deserved what was done to me, because I was broken, I would never be whole, or good, because I was broken in such a way, even god hated me. That was the message I learned, nothing I ever did would ever make me acceptable, because I was broken.

I sat there in that car seat trying to accept I wasn't broken while the knowledge of the things I had been through told me I would never be worth anything because I was broken. Why did Marc love me? Was it because like me he was broken? I fought so long and so hard to prove I wasn't broken, only to be told I was every time I turned around. I was the perversion not those men who used me to satisfy their own selfish lusts.

I was the perversion that no one would ever want. I was the one who would always be condemned because I couldn't be happy with what I was supposed to be. Because I couldn't be like David was and make anyone lower than I was. Because I believed everyone was of equal value, everyone, but me. I was always less than, even the family dog was worth more then I was.

I felt the tear roll down my cheek and fall from my chin. I stared out the side window afraid Marc might be able to know how unworthy I was to love. Another tear fell and the car stopped. Was it possible we were home already? Marc turned the car off and turned to me, I felt his eyes on me and knew he wanted me to turn toward him and another tear fell.

I opened the door and slid out of the car rather than waiting for Marc to come around and open it for me. As soon as I was on my feet I took off toward the barn, a steady stream of tears rolling down my cheeks. I had to be strong for all those who were worthy, but I didn't know if I could anymore. It hurt being strong, and to have so many of those who couldn't understand, who thought me unworthy even of life... how strong could they be if they were the ones who were deemed unworthy? Could they have survived through the things I had? Could they still make a claim to sanity if it had been them instead of me? Jesse hadn't been able to hold on, and that was what was hardest for me because she never looked down on me as being someone unworthy.

I felt more than heard Marc come alongside me as I stood there watching the horses not really seeing them.

You're only as unworthy as you believe yourself to be I heard in a voice I didn't know. I looked over and there stood my old sensei.

"So I determine my own worth?" I asked.

"I know there are still many things you do not say, and now I ask you say them," he said.

"Say them to who sensei?" I asked.

"To those who can help, to those who show love, and accept you as worthy," he said.

"How do I know who they are sensei?" I asked.

"By knowing who you are. To learn another you must first learn yourself," he said.

"I thought I knew myself, but now I don't feel I know anything," I said.

There was no reply, but then I didn't really expect one since my old sensei died the year after I achieved my last black belt.

"It's hard Marc, I want to trust you and my sisters, I want to believe you could still love me if you knew, but I'm afraid," I said.

He didn't say anything, but I knew he was standing there. The words of the last conversation I had with my sensei played through my mind again.

"By knowing yourself you will learn to know others," he said.

"When the abuse started I didn't know it was abuse, I thought I was finally going to be allowed to be myself," I said.

"Kathy told me about most of it. I don't know how she knew, I'm not sure she knew how she knew either, but she does know, your father confirmed most of what she said," Marc said.

My father knew because he had been there, but that didn't explain how Kathy would have known, or why she would have told anyone else about what I had been through. I needed to talk to Kathy to find out why she would have said anything about what I went through as a child. I told her she should tell Marc about the abuse she went through, but I never said anything about her telling more and telling about me was definitely telling more.

I needed to find balance and I knew that meant telling, but telling meant leaving myself open to someone else and that terrified me more than the thought of reliving the abuse over and over in my mind. Find balance Alex, in your present state you aren't of any help to anyone, I told myself. If Kathy told what she might know of what happened, she did it because she trusted Marc, and felt it the only way to help him be able to help.

"Tell me what she said. Please, I want to tell you, but I don't see any point in covering everything if you already know," I said.

He told me about when it started. How dad had taken me with to that meeting and when we got home I was so happy because I had gotten to be myself during the meeting, and all the men telling me how pretty I was. About the second meeting and being happy when we got back because I even got to be myself longer and got to wear the dress home.

But then everything changed, and I didn't seem happy anymore even though I got to be the real me when we would leave the house until we got back home. Each time dad took me to those meetings it seemed a little more of me shut down. I refused to talk about the meetings, and even told her I didn't want to be a girl anymore, but would because then the men at the meeting wouldn't treat her like they did me.

I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks with each revelation he told never giving any detail of what I lived through, but the truth of it hanging so heavily in the air the words weren't really necessary. He told about the day David had taken Jesse to one of those meetings and how she started shutting down too, how as Jesse shut down I seemed to grow stronger more determined that whatever it was those men did to Jesse and I was something I wasn't going to allow them to do to her.

I heard myself sigh at the memory and found I couldn't stand there any longer. I needed to escape and had nowhere to escape to. I was on the ground curled in a fetal position and didn't know how I got there, and didn't really care I just wanted the pain to stop as each word tore into my soul opening the wounds of years long gone. The memory so fresh still that I felt every thrust those men made as they used me to fill their desires.

Marc stopped talking, but the words kept going and I just wanted it to stop. I had to protect my sisters, to make sure what these men were doing to me never happened to them. I was strong enough, they weren't. I was broken, they weren't. I had to be strong enough, I had to be. If I failed to be strong enough who would protect them from living a similar nightmare? I had to be strong enough. They deserved the best life could offer, but I was broken and deserved what those men did. I would never be worthy, but I could protect my sisters so I had to be strong enough.

What did he say? I didn't understand. Did people really do things like that? I had to fight so my sisters could live the kind of life they should have, but I was broken and didn't deserve better. I was broken so nothing these men did to me was less than I deserved, after all I was worthless, a thing to be used and cast aside.

The pain. Why did it hurt so much? I did what they wanted so why were they hitting me and saying I was only getting what I deserved? I knew I didn't deserve better, if only I could have been... no if I had been like David who would protect my sisters? I knew it was all my fault, things had always been good at home until dad found out I was a girl instead of a boy, before dad walked in Kathy and Jesse's room and saw me dressed in one of Kathy's dresses sitting there playing house with my sisters.

We aren't little anymore so why does it have to hurt so much, why can't I find my balance? Balance the only way of moving past what was and live in the present. The present what about the present, I know there is no longer a danger from those men, I know they can't hurt me any longer if I can only stay in the present. The present holds joy and excitement. Adventure and love. The present holds love, the love of my life. A man who loves me and will attempt to move mountains for me. The present where I can be myself without fear, where my sisters are safe and grown women who never faced the horrors those men were capable of inflicting on children. The present brings balance, but it means releasing the past where all the pain lives.

"I'm sorry Marc there is a lot Kathy couldn't tell you. She couldn't tell you about what took place at those meetings or why after the first few of those meetings I seemed happier, then it seemed any joy just evaporated. She couldn't tell you the depths of depravity the men at those meetings were capable of," I said.

"The first few meeting I thought the world was right because I got to be me, the me I knew I was, or it seemed I did. After the first few meetings though, everything started to change. The first few meetings the men at those meetings called me Karen and told me how beautiful I was. They gave me hugs and kisses, kisses I didn't understand as an eight year old, but after those first few meetings I learned what those kisses were, each meeting after the first few meetings the hugs and kisses became more demanding, the comments more demeaning and vulgar."

"I quickly learned if I wasn't strong they would do to my sisters what they were doing to me and that I couldn't allow."

"You see I was broken, I was wrong because I wanted to be a girl, but was supposed to be a boy. I learned to hate the name Karen because every time those men touched me they called me Karen. They told me I was broken because I wasn't a real girl, so since I was broken I deserved how they treated me. They failed to give the reason why the other girls who weren't broken like me deserved the way they treated them, but I deserved the treatment because I was broken. For ten years they treated me as less than human and for ten years I knew I had to be strong for my sisters so they wouldn't have to face the things those men did. My senior year of high school I took a kick boxing class and learned to defend myself and my sisters. Half way through my senior year David came in mine and Kathy's room and started trying to force himself on Kathy. I had sworn I would never let him do to Kathy what he did to Jesse so I pushed him off Kathy and we fought. In the past he always beat me up, sometimes just because he could. But this time when he charged me I side stepped him and kicked him as he went by me sending him sprawling on the bed. When he regained his feet he charged me again and I gave him a roundhouse kick that landed on his jaw and shattered it so he had to go to the hospital and have his jaw wired shut for six months."

"Dad came in because of the noise and dragged me to his room where he started hitting me with a belt. He hit me three times before I got angry enough to try standing up to him. When he drew back for his forth swing I kicked him in the chest and he landed on his back on the bed. I was terrified, but didn't dare let him know. He stood up and charged me like David had done and like I did with David I side stepped him giving a kick to his ass that sent him through the door into the hall. When he didn't get up right away I went out and stood over him and told him if he or David ever touched me or my sisters again I was going to kill them, I wasn't his little whore any longer and my sisters weren't whores either."

"I know Kathy didn't tell you much about the abuse I suffered because I never told her so all she knew was how closed I became and that it lasted for ten years."

Marc looked at me and realized I still felt I was broken, that I couldn't understand why he could love me because I was broken and would never be worthy of anything but abuse. He finally understood I lived in service to others who weren't broken like I was because they were worthy of love, but I wasn't.

"Alex you aren't broken. You were never broken, and you never deserved to be treated the way those men treated you. You are worthy of love, you are worthy of so much more than you can imagine, and I need you because I love you," Marc said.

He picked me up holding me tight against his chest in a way I no longer remembered because of all the hurt those men caused me. There was none of the demand in his holding me, yet all his love was there. I melted in his embrace needing the comfort it gave, yet knew I wasn't worthy, I was broken and would never be worthy.

"I love you Marc," I said as he carried me in the house.

## Chapter 17

Marc set me down in the recliner and I smiled at him. I loved this man and knew he loved me, but couldn't understand why he did. He knew I was broken, but didn't seem to care.

I got up after a little while and headed for the kitchen to see what I could fix us for dinner. The night before I didn't eat anything waking up this morning almost late for my appointment. I didn't think I could make it through the night this time without something to eat.

I found some leftovers and figured that was as good as anything, but vowed to do better in the future about making sure I had a nice meal for a man I knew I would never understand.

When dinner was over and the dishes cleaned and put away I headed for the bedroom and found a nightie I knew Marc would love and slipped it on pulling on a robe that appeared to match. I headed back out to the living room and saw Marc looking through the newspaper.

"Not much in there but bad news these days," I said.

He looked up and set the newspaper down nodding his agreement.

"We could always put some good news in it," Marc said.

"And what might that be?" I asked.

He frowned at me like I had just said something that didn't make sense to him.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean that to sound the way it did, it's just I know a lot of people who would think it bad news to see my name in a marriage announcement," I said.

"So we were thinking the same thing. Alex I know you don't feel worthy of anything good, and I know it's because of being told for so long you were broken, but you aren't broken and you do deserve to have things that are good," Marc said.

"I wish I could believe that Marc, I really do wish I could believe that, but it's so hard and I don't know if I ever will," I said.

I walked within easy reach of him and he pulled me into his lap folding his arms around me in such a way I couldn't move.

"It wasn't those men who told me I was broken as much as I told myself I was. I had to be broken, or they could have broken me, and I needed to protect my sisters and couldn't do that if I let them break me," I said.

I tried turning to look at him and found myself stuck unable to move other than resting my head on his shoulder.

He sat there stroking my hair and not saying anything. I wanted to kiss him for being so wonderful, but since I couldn't move just relaxed into his embrace.

I felt him move and turned noticing he was asleep. I kissed him gently and got out of his lap and headed for the restroom. I looked at the clock on the nightstand on my way by and wanted to cry. I had fallen asleep and rather than him disturbing me he sat in the chair all night holding me in an attempt to let me know I was loved.

I used the restroom and headed for the kitchen to fix us some breakfast and saw he adjusted his position in the chair but was still asleep.

While I fixed breakfast I thought back on all the years I dreamed of what I had now, and all the years I worked so hard to convince myself I was broken and no one would ever be able to love me, all the years I told myself I deserved what those men did to me because I was broken.

I didn't want to be loved, it was easier to be broken, because if I was broken and not loved I wasn't vulnerable. I could be however strong I needed to be to protect those who needed my protection. Now though I seemed weak. Ever since meeting Marc in jail I felt weak. I grew to need him there to protect me, while telling myself I was protecting him. I felt weak now, vulnerable, able to be hurt. I felt hurt when he disappeared from my life, and I thought he was finally free to find someone who could love him the way he deserved. I felt abandoned and alone. I had grown dependent on him being there and all of a sudden I was alone and no one loved me, no one care about me, I was really broken in a way I had never been able to overcome. I was broken in a way the world would be better off without me.

I was taking breakfast off the stove and he walked in smiling at me and I felt my world begin to brighten. I loved seeing him smile and it seemed he knew it and smiled just because he knew I enjoyed seeing him smile.

"That smells wonderful," Marc said.

"Thank you, I hope it tastes as good as it smells," I said. "Marc I..."

I knew what I wanted to say, but not how to say it. I wanted to tell him I was afraid because of his love, I felt weak something I didn't know how to feel because of how long I had to be strong. That because of that feeling of weakness I... I didn't know what.

"I love you Alex," Marc said.

I knew how to love, but I had no idea how to be loved. I convinced myself I couldn't be loved. No one could love me. I convinced myself because I knew it was true. I remembered when Kathy and I loved each other and laughed and played, but it didn't last. After dad started taking me to those meetings it changed and Kathy didn't love me any longer because she didn't know why I couldn't play and laugh like before. It wasn't I didn't want to, but it hurt to play those games because I was broken and not capable of being loved any longer.

"I wish you didn't," I mumbled hoping he either wouldn't hear or wouldn't understand what I said.

"And where would you be if I didn't? Why would you rather I didn't?" Marc asked.

"Because it was that I wasn't capable of being loved I was able to be strong, now I feel so weak, so vulnerable," I said.

I felt him kiss my neck and turned in his arms seeking a kiss it seemed I needed more and more. His kisses where what gave me life now. His kisses gave me strength in a way I didn't understand because rather than feeling strong I felt weak.

"Maybe if you didn't love so much it wouldn't feel like such a weakness to have someone love you just as much. When we were in prison I felt weak because I didn't know if I would be able to be strong enough, and when I got word about you being in the hospital I knew I was too weak to protect you, and hoped I'd get another chance," Marc said.

"Maybe if I wouldn't have had to be so strong I wouldn't feel so weak," I said.

We both laughed and I set breakfast on the table.

"Marc I'd like you to come with to meet with Jim this morning," I said.

"You don't trust him, or is it yourself you don't trust?" Marc asked.

"I trust Jim and myself, but I know the neighbors and don't trust most of them," I said.

I was ready to go at eight-thirty which would give us about fifteen minutes before Jim was supposed to be there. Marc looked at me like I lost my mind when he saw how I was dressed.

"A little fancy for the kind of meeting this is, don't you think?" Marc asked.

"I'm a lawyer, and this is my lawyer look. Maybe you should ask Jim how I look when we get there, I'm sure he'll say I look ready to kill," I said.

"Let me guess, this is how you dressed when you were the most dangerous in the courtroom?" Marc asked.

I smiled and headed for my car.

"I thought we'd take my car," Marc said.

"That's fine if you want to hang out at the Pride Center after this meeting, if you want to come back out here and get some work done though we better take two cars," I said.

I slid in the driver seat and started the car and was headed out the drive before he was in his car following me.

I hoped he'd head straight for the house, but I needed to swing by the Pride Center and see if Niki was there and wanted to attend the meeting with us.

I pulled up at the Pride Center and Niki pulled in right behind me.

"Want to attend a meeting with me about our new offices?" I asked.

"You really are going to do it aren't you?" Niki asked.

"If you mean remodel the house, the answer is yes. So far no one has given me a good reason not to turn it into law offices," I said.

"What about making it into a shelter home for LGBT people with nowhere else to go?" Niki asked.

"You mean make it part of this place?" I asked.

"Not necessarily part of the Center, but I guess that would work and I know Kathy could manage it better than most anyone else I know," Niki said.

"Do you know if Kathy's here yet?" I asked.

"She was right behind me," Niki said.

Kathy stepped out of her car and saw both Niki and I standing there.

"Is it unlocked yet?" Kathy asked.

"No, we have an appointment elsewhere and I wonder if you might care to join us and open the Center late?" I asked.

"If it's about what you want to do to the house, I'm really not all that interested," Kathy said.

"You might be if it becomes the property of the Center rather than law offices," I said.

Kathy gave me a dirty look and turned her gaze on Niki as if to ask what we were up to now.

"Kathy there's plenty of room here for both the Center and me to keep my law office here. It's a great location for both and it shouldn't be hard to divide the building in half so we aren't getting in each others way," I said.

"And what about the house?" Kathy asked.

"Niki came up with a solution for that I like. We turn the house into a residence for at risk LGBTQI, run by the Center," I said.

"Isn't your appointment to meet with a contractor about remodeling the house?" Kathy asked.

"I think we could still do a remodel and perhaps make a dining room off the kitchen with an additional bedroom under and over that. If your there you might have a few other things you want to change, and we could have it open for business withing a couple weeks where turning it into offices would likely take longer," I said.

"Jeff won't be happy if he gets here and everything is still locked up," Kathy said.

"I take it you took his key away from him?" I asked.

"I'm on the verge of telling him we don't need his help any longer. Alex I went inactive because he thought he could tell me how to keep the books, forgetting I'm the one with the accounting degree," Kathy said.

"So you know you only have an associates degree he has a bachelor degree in accounting," I said.

"Your the one who wanted me doing the books!" Kathy said.

"Because even though his degree is higher than yours, you know how to do the job better and aren't as condescending," I said.

Even Niki laughed at that.

"Kathy if you want to get rid of him then do. When he offered to help when we were first setting it up he offered more than he ever delivered. All the start up costs came out of my pocket, I think you contributed a little but he never did, even his time was paid for from the start," I said.

"I'll meet you at the house, but if I'm the one who'll be dealing with all the headaches of it I get final say in the remodel," Kathy said.

None of us went in the Center instead Niki climbed in the passenger seat of my car and Kathy got back in her car. We were sitting at the house right at nine and Jim arrived right behind us. Marc had been sitting there for at least fifteen minutes before any of the rest of us got there.

Kathy and I walked up to the house together with Niki and Marc following close behind. Niki explaining to Marc the changes we came up with. Kathy had her keys to the house in her hand when we reached the front door and Jim joined us on the porch by the time she got the door unlocked and open.

Jim looked from me to Kathy and back a couple times shaking his head and Niki, Kathy and I smiled.

"Is there a problem Jim?" I asked.

"A problem? Not really I just wasn't sure which of you two were which," Jim said.

"You make it sound like you know both of us," I said.

"He should know both of us, he and I dated in high school," Kathy said.

Jim looked at Kathy and it finally dawned on him who she was, or at least it appeared a light of recognition came on.

"Come now Jim, surely you haven't forgotten me already?" Kathy asked.

"Unless your Andrea, I haven't got a clue," Jim said.

"I quit using that name the same time my twin stopped using Kevin and started using Alex," Kathy said.

"Wait a minute what do you mean about Alex? Are you saying..." Jim started to say and stopped.

"It used to be, I was thought to be a boy Jim, but I assure you I have always been a girl and while everyone else might have known Kathy as Andrea, she has always been Kathy to me, just as I've always been Alex to her," I said.

His confusion didn't seem to fade and neither Kathy nor I cared to try helping him gain a better understanding at the moment.

Jim did hit on Kathy until she finally told him she was married and her wife wouldn't appreciate someone making advances to her wife.

I was sure Jim was really going to lose it hearing a girl he dated at one time was now married to another woman, and a woman he thought of as one of the most beautiful women he'd ever met had once been thought to be male.

"You seem to have a problem Jim," I said.

"I'm just trying to wrap my head around this. Alex, your one of the most beautiful women I know and I can't imagine anyone ever thinking you were male and I was sure Andrea was straight," Jim said.

"The world isn't always black and white. I appreciate that you think of me as beautiful, I do try to look my best, but Kathy has always been more into women then men, though back in high school she did date mostly guys, it was to keep dad and our older brother off her back. If your going to work for us, or have us work for you, you need to understand we don't tolerate prejudice and bigotry. We allow others to define who they are without setting preconceived ideas of who they should be," I said.

We all started walking through the house Kathy, Niki, Marc and I all making comments of changes we thought would make it better. Jim was making notes and taking measurements he would use to figure out the total cost of the changes, even making a few comments about changes he thought might better accommodate what we were now going for.

After about an hour Marc, Niki and I decided to let Kathy finish going over the changes with Jim and we headed back to the Pride Center and found Elizabeth sitting on the bench just outside the front door.

"Are you here to see me Elizabeth?" I asked walking up to the door to unlock it.

"I was hoping to be able to talk to whoever is in charge of the Pride Center so I could start working off the debt I owe you," Elizabeth said.

I smiled and opened the door allowing everyone to enter ahead of me. Marc held back with me and gave me a kiss on his way by.

Once in the building I asked Elizabeth to wait while I talked to Niki. I needed to get my offices set up and get in phone lines that were strictly for the law firm not the Pride Center. We needed to arrange to have all the furniture we bought delivered and I knew Niki was hiding the fact she wanted me to hire someone she went to school with to help out.

"Niki would you call the phone company and see about getting us at least three new lines in here along with phones capable of handling as many as six lines, also call and get our new furniture delivered as soon as possible, and tell your friend if they want a job here they aren't going to get one unless they talk to me," I said.

I didn't wait for a response, instead turning to deal with Elizabeth to try getting her set up with something she could do until Kathy got back and set her up with what she needed her to do.

From Elizabeth I turned to Marc and had Niki interrupt.

"Alex the phone company wants to talk to you. I guess they don't think I know what I'm talking about," Niki said.

I picked up the only line flashing ready to tell whoever it was I wasn't pleased.

"This is Alexandra DeMay," I said.

"Miss DeMay I don't understand, according to our records there are already six lines going into the only business we have listed at the address listed," the person on the other end of the phone said.

"I see and of course this building isn't big enough to house another business? I want three lines in this building for my law firm and if you aren't able to handle that I'll see to it the six lines coming in here for the Pride Center and the three for my law firm are through a company that doesn't think they can run my businesses better than I can and will do what I've asked for. Now are you going to take the order or do I need to start looking for another phone service provider?" I asked.

The person on the other end of the call didn't say anything and I was ready to hang up and tell Niki to find another provider.

"Ms DeMay, I'd like to apologize for the misunderstanding. We'll have a service rep there in an hour to offer whatever assistance you need and insure your additional lines are installed and hooked up to your satisfaction," a different voice said.

"If they're later than an hour and a half I'll have another provider and you'll lose not only my law firm, but the Pride Center as well," I said.

I slammed the phone back in its cradle and had someone I knew, but didn't remember their name standing in front of me with Niki standing next to them a big smile on her face.

"I'm guessing your here to see me?" I asked,

"Niki said you might be looking for a para-legal," they said.

"Niki said? I see and did Niki say what being a para-legal for me would entail?" I asked.

"Not really, but I know our law professors all talk about you like you know law better than anyone," they said.

"I see. Are you hoping to become a lawyer? If so in what area of law are you interested?" I asked.

"I think civil rights," they said.

"Constitutional law then? Do you understand the problems with that kind of law practice? Do you understand how competitive the field is? If you ever hope to become a constitutional attorney able to pay the bills you'll have to graduate in the top two percent of your class and find a company willing to give you a chance for about ten years and maybe, just maybe you'll be able to find jobs that will pay enough to meet your bills," I said.

"I heard you made it big in constitutional law," they said.

"Constitutional law? No, sorry to disappoint, but I made my name in contract law. I did handle a few cases of constitutional law, but only as a junior associate," I said.

"Can I ask what kind of law you'll be practicing here?" they asked.

"So Niki didn't tell you? If you really want an answer to that you'll need to tell me more about yourself and why you want to specialize in one kind of law, if you can't do that I'm not sure I have any openings," I said.

"Niki said the only case you have at the moment is a divorce case. I want to learn all the different law practices, but I just think constitutional law sounds the most interesting," they said.

Her name came to me when she said she wanted to learn about all the different kinds of law practice.

"Judy, am I right?" she nodded. "Well Judy here we are going to be handling whatever our clients need us to handle. Right now that means a divorce case, I'm sure some of my old clients will want to keep me on retainer when they find out I'm opening my own law firm. I know several people sitting in jail, or prison, right now who shouldn't be, and are there simply because the attorneys they had at their trials weren't willing to fight for them. Many of the cases we are likely to handle here will be pro-bono, and that means there won't be much money involved," I said.

"If I do a good job as a para-legal and get good grades in school what are the chances of becoming an attorney with you?" Judy asked.

"Judy I won't make any promises since at this time we are just getting started. I will promise though, that if your willing to work hard and do well in school I'd be willing to give you a good recommendation for any law firm interested in you, that you are also interested in," I said.

"So how much would I make if I come to work for you?" Judy asked.

"That depends on how many hours your available. Full-time the best I could do at this time is twenty thousand dollars a year. If you need more than that I'm afraid you'll need to look elsewhere," I said.

"What about benefits?" Judy asked.

"Two weeks vacation a year for the first two years, after that you would gain one day a year until your at four weeks a year. I'd be willing to pay half your medical insurance available through the college if you'll show proof of the cost of the insurance only," I said.

I watched as a smile formed and she started shaking with excitement.

"Judy, if you can't do the job I ask you'll be fired faster than you were hired, and I assure you, you will earn every penny your paid working here," I said.

"Ms DeMay I want to learn from the best and everyone I've ever talked to says your the best. If it means scrubbing toilets I guess I'll be scrubbing toilets, if it means I'll learn what being the best means," Judy said.

I noticed Marc laughing across the reception room from where Judy and I were talking. I stuck my tongue out at him and he started laughing even harder.

"Judy be here at eight in the morning with what hours you'll be available," I said.

I didn't wait for her to confirm whether she would be here or not, because I really didn't care. If she was late I would send her home and look for someone else, I needed people I could count on and that meant they would be on time.

I looked at the clock and noticed it had been an hour since we got back to the Center and Kathy still wasn't here. I wondered what might be taking her.

Marc gave me a look I didn't understand, one that said he knew something was wrong, but didn't know what. I saw Elizabeth was busy reading information about what the Pride Center was all about and smiled. The fact Kathy wasn't back did bother me however and I thought of having Marc run over to the house to check on her and make sure everything was alright.

"Sorry about how long it took. Jim and I got lost in old times," Kathy said walking in the door.

I gave her a look like the ones I did when we were still teenagers that she knew she was going to tell me everything.

"Not this time Alex," Kathy mouthed rather than said.

If she wasn't willing to talk about it I was sure it was because something happened that shouldn't have and she was afraid I would try mothering her.

She went in her office and I stood there wondering why she didn't want to tell me. Had I really been that bad? Had I abused her because I refused to tell her the things all those men had done to me? No that was something she didn't need to know about, something she didn't need to experience.

"Mind if I come in?" I asked knocking on Kathy's office door.

"If you want is to ask me about why it took so long, then yes, I do mind," Kathy said.

"You said you didn't want to talk about it, so I wasn't going to ask. I wanted to tell you a few things I know you've been able to guess at, but I've kept from you most of our lives," I said.

She stared at me and I closed the door stepping in the room.

"Do you remember when we first started sharing a room again?" I asked.

She nodded.

"I already stopped showing most of my emotions, dad told me either I would learn to act like a girl or he'd start taking you to those meetings he always took me too. By putting us together I hoped I would be able to learn to act more like a girl because I didn't want him taking you. I hated what the men at those meetings did, but I was broken and you weren't, so they couldn't hurt me like they could you."

"I was able to again be the kind of broken girl those men wanted so when dad put Jesse and David in a room together and when Niki and Neal came alone I knew he would make them room together as well."

"Alex if you're going to tell me about the sexual abuse, please don't. I know how hard that was for you and do love you for what you suffered to protect me and Niki. I always wondered how bad it was for you and have no idea how you had the strength when Jesse didn't, and what she suffered was less than half what you did. I know I'll never be able to thank you for being willing to protect me, when all you wanted was to feel like you belonged," Kathy said.

Kathy stood up and walked around her desk.

"Jim didn't know who you were until he found out today we didn't always use the names we do now. When he found out you used to use your middle name and what it was he remembered what you went through and asked me why you would have let it continue so long. Alex he told me some of what those people did to you, he said even he did some of them until his own sister became involved. He didn't know how to ask your forgiveness and really does hope you didn't remember he was involved since he hadn't been involved long," Kathy said.

"He never hurt me like most of the others. He always treated me like a person, not just a thing to satisfy his lusts. When I worked on the first contract with him I knew who he was, I remembered he was there all those years ago. I remembered he was different than all the others. I remembered when his sister was there the first time and he wanted to know what would happen if he couldn't find a way of protecting her as I did my sisters. I remembered he cared when none of the others did," I said.

Kathy hugged me and I buried my face in her shoulder and cried. I hated what those men did to me, even what Jim did, but Jim didn't like what he did anymore than I did. I knew that even then, because he was different. He cared and treated me like a person, but still eased his lust at my expense.

If what Kathy said is why she was so long getting back maybe Jim had paid enough for his part in what happened. I wondered since he now knew who I was and knew what I suffered at least in part.

"I won't let anyone hurt you again Alex. Let me be the strong one now. Let me hold the mantle now," Kathy said rubbing my back like a mother does a child.

I straightened up and look her in the eyes. Never had Kathy lied to me before, at least I had never been aware she had, but this time she was lying and it showed in her eyes.

"Why Kathy?" I asked.

She just looked at me not averting her eyes, but she knew it was to late now to hide the lie.

"You don't know what it was like when you left, you don't know what David was like. Alex he said if we told you he would kill you, and then us just because he could," Kathy said.

"David is gone now, so why are you lying to me? Are you afraid I won't be strong enough? Are you afraid I might get lost in the memories the way Jesse did? If you are you don't know me very well. I don't have to carry the burden alone any longer Marc is willing to help and he does know all but names, and I'm sorry, but even I don't know the names," I said.

Kathy looked at me and blushed. She knew how I knew she was lying to me, she knew there wasn't anything I wouldn't do to help her if she only asked. Until Marc, Kathy had been my soul beneficiary and she knew that too. Was it she wasn't able to be strong enough, or didn't trust me to be strong enough?

## Chapter 18

I couldn't get Kathy to tell me anything about what happened after I left for college, and hoped Niki might be a little more forthcoming, but doubted she would know what David might have done to Kathy.

"Do you need anything else today?" Niki said coming in my office.

"Have a seat Niki," I said.

I waited while she took the only chair across from me, and got up and closed the door so we wouldn't be bothered and watched her while taking my seat again. She got a nervous look and I let it build a little more before saying anything.

"What happened after I left for college?" I asked.

"You mean with Kathy, don't you?" Niki asked.

"I mean with the family," I said.

"David threatened to kill us if we ever told you," Niki said.

"David is dead, he did try to kill me, but now he's dead and I'm still here. So tell me what happened," I said putting more demand in my voice than I intended.

She looked at me fear showing stronger than I could understand. Was she afraid of me? Had I done something to hurt her in someway?

"Niki if you ever hope to be a great lawyer you need to share your biggest fears," I said.

"And what about you Alex? Have you shared what they did to you? Have you ever told anyone the hurt and fear they caused in you?" Niki asked.

"With you, Kathy, Nancy or mom, no, but I have shared with someone close to me. Someone I trust. Someone who can do something about making sure justice is served," I said.

"Why not with us? Aren't we good enough? Do you really think we're too weak to be able to handle the truth?" Niki asked.

"The truth is Niki, I don't trust my memories of what happened. You have no idea the humiliation and pain involved. Think about Jesse and what it did to her. I know you don't remember when she was such a smart wonderful big sister, but Kathy and I do. There are so many times it would have been easy to follow her example and turn inward and live my life in a simpler time when love was truly something our family shared. To no longer care about what they did to me because I wasn't really there anyway. I'm not really sure I didn't do that, I want to believe I didn't, that what I went through did save you, Nancy, and Kathy from such horrors, but now I don't know, and I don't know because none of you will share with me whatever it is your hiding," I said.

"When you left David told Kathy she had a choice of attending the meetings with him or he would take me, and if she ever told you he'd kill all of us."

"Alex we wanted to tell you, but knew if we did he would have killed us as soon as we did. He seemed to know everything about what we told you," Niki said

"It continued even after I came back home that first time didn't it?" I asked

"He was afraid of you, but not enough to listen to your warning. When you finally came home he knew he couldn't keep you from finding out, so most of the time he left us alone, but whenever you were gone on business he made sure we knew he wasn't afraid to carry through with his threat," Niki said.

"And where does Jim fit into all this?" I asked.

"That I don't know. Alex I don't know what Kathy went through anymore than I do what you went through. All I know for sure was David was afraid of you, but not enough to stop abusing us," Niki said.

"Can you make sure Marc gets home, there are still a few things I need to take care of, and knowing me it will be another long day. He's already been gone from the farm longer than we planned," I said.

She left the office promising to make sure Marc got home, and closed the door behind herself.

I picked up the phone and called Jim's office asking if he was available and if that afternoon would be a good time to come by. I gave them an excuse of since I was paying the cost of the remodel I wanted better details of what all the charges were than Kathy had been able to give.

I headed over to the house as soon as I set the phone back in the cradle, hoping I might be able to catch Jim there before his office let him know I wanted to talk to him. If what I suspected were true Jim was going to have a few options one was turn himself in along with a list of names of others involved, another was he could wait until the police picked him up, or he could try running in which case if I ever saw him, or heard from him again I would make sure he either ended up in jail or in a grave, and to me it didn't matter which.

I was going to over look his involvement because he had treated me more like a person than any of the others, but if he thought he could make claims on my sister he was about to find out he had to come through me first, and I wasn't easy to get through.

I pulled up at the house and parked blocking Jim's truck so he couldn't get out without doing a lot of damage.

"I was just getting ready to go, is there something you need?" Jim asked.

"Why don't we go inside where we can keep this a little more private," I suggested.

I walked up to the house and opened the front door walking in leaving the door standing open. I stopped in the living room and turned waiting for him.

"What the hell is this all about Alex?" Jim asked closing the door behind him.

"It's about what happened between us fifteen years ago, and what happened between you and Kathy since then," I said.

"Nothing happened between Kathy and I, at least nothing I'm aware of," Jim said.

"That's why when Kathy got back to the Pride Center she looked flushed and wasn't wearing any panties I guess. Jim thus far I've kept your name out of the investigation, but so help me if your the one who has the panties Kathy was wearing this morning, I won't keep it out any longer. I knew who you were that first contract I did for you, but did my best on it because you were the only one who ever treated me like a person back then. You once told me you would do anything to keep Amy out of the mess I was stuck in back then, but it now seems you could careless about anyone but yourself," I said.

"I'm guessing trying to deny any of this wouldn't do me any good since it seems you've already made up your mind," Jim said.

"It took Kathy more than an hour after we got back to the Pride Center before she finally got back. Since she lives the opposite direction she couldn't have gone home for a quicky and I know Jennifer wouldn't have been home since she's out of town and won't be back until tonight. She did confirm she hadn't seen anyone other than you this morning when we talked and that means your the only possible answer. A few years ago she tried to tell me her tattoo was something she got to show Jennifer she loved and trusted her. The problem with that is the tattoo was completely healed and I knew she had it before she ever met Jennifer. Since your the only person I know of other than Jennifer who has the first initial of J that does kind of tell me the tattoo is one marking her as yours."

"Before you try denying that, or anything else I know what that tattoo means since I came very close to getting one myself. I also know things happened here after I left for college involving both Kathy and Niki. That David threatened both of them if they didn't do what he wanted," I said.

"The tattoo was Andrea's idea in hopes it would keep David from dragging Niki or Nancy into it. I do have her panties, but it was her idea. Alex she wants to have a baby, and hoped I'd be willing to help, she told me Jennifer knows and doesn't care," Jim said.

"If that's true why wouldn't she talk to me? Why did I have to go to Niki to get most of the information I do know? I'm sorry Jim, but unless Kathy is willing to confirm what you've said I don't feel I can trust you any longer and will mention your name as one of those involved in the abuse my family suffered at the hands of those we should have been able to trust. That religion is going down and if you still claim ownership of my sisters tattoo I'll see to it you go down with," I said.

I didn't trust Jim any longer, not that I ever did trust him. He was there when I was a teenager, and even participated in the abuse. I couldn't believe he didn't know who I was when I consulted on those contracts almost ten years earlier.

"I really hope for your sake Kathy will confirm what you've said. If she will I won't mention you and will do all I can to insure you never spend time in jail if someone else does mention you. If however Kathy isn't willing to confirm your story here I'll make sure your mentioned and will do all I can to insure you do end up in prison," I said.

Jim gave me a look that said more than I could have hoped for. He knew I was the one who killed David, and I doubted he was willing to find out just how well I could fight physically. He knew in the courtroom there was no one better and if I said I would defend him I would keep my word.

He stood there watching as I walked out the door and headed for my car sliding behind the steering wheel. I moved the car far enough he could get his truck out and sat there waiting.

He came out of the house close enough behind me he couldn't have made a phone call and got in his truck making a note that I hadn't left yet.

I followed him back to his office and noticed he went in long enough to make sure no one else was there and came back out.

"Are you going to follow me everywhere I go?" Jim asked.

"You have a problem with that?" I asked.

"I didn't lie to you Alex. What I told you about protecting Amy was true and what I told you about Andrea is true as well. I did what I could to protect them, the same as you had done before leaving for college. I wasn't able to beat David the way you did, but because your sister had my tattoo David didn't dare do anything against her, the others would have stepped in if he did," Jim said.

"Did you give her back her freedom when I came back? Does she know you don't hold anything over her? It's your tattoo she has and if I know her she'll honor that tattoo if you lay claim again," I said.

"I'm supposed to meet her tonight, she said she wants me to meet Jennifer so I know how happy she is and to let Jennifer know she wants me to father her child," Jim said.

"Fine we'll go together. It's been a while since I've seen Jennifer and I really would love seeing my sister-in-law again," I said.

I reached over unlocking the passenger door and waited for him to walk around and get in.

"Andrea did say you were over protective," Jim said.

"Her name is Kathy now and I'm less and less inclined to believe your story if you can't call her by the name she uses now," I said.

"I'm sorry, Andrea is still her first name. With you I have no idea since I lost track of you for so long and when we met again you were going by Alex. It took me a month before I figured out I knew you and only because you look so much like your sister," Jim said.

"Alex is my first name and always was my first name, though there is a slight difference between what my parents gave me and what it is now. My middle name however is not the same other than it does still start with a K. Kathy started using her middle name the same time I started using my first name and for the same reasons. She never liked her first name and I never liked my middle name. She has always called me Alex, and I have always called her Kathy," I said.

"So you two really are twins?" Jim asked.

"Yes, we really are twins and even shared a bedroom until I left to go to college. Shortly after we turned eight dad caught me dressed in one of Kathy's dresses. He never said anything, but a few days later took me to one of his church meetings. When we got to the church he pushed me in the girls restroom and threw a package at me and told me I had ten minutes to change from what I was wearing, to what was in the package. When I opened the package I thought it was one of Kathy or Jesse's dresses, because I knew they both had dresses like it. When I put it on however I knew it wasn't either of theirs because it was a lot shorter than theirs were. I felt embarrassed with how short it was, but knew if I tried changing back and telling dad it was to small would have gotten me a spanking. When I saw the shoes in the bag I really wasn't sure what to think since I knew neither of my sisters had any shoes like those were. I wondered if they were moms, but didn't remember her ever having any like them either."

"Just before the ten minutes were up I came out of the restroom and dad took my hand and dragged me to a room in the church I had never been allowed near in the past. Inside that room were a lot of men, only a few I knew from church, the rest I didn't know at all. The first few times dad took me to those meeting it was me getting dressed up like a girl and then dad taking me to that room with all those men. They would all tell me how pretty I was and want me to sit on their laps for a while, then dad would take me back home."

"It took a couple weeks and the men started touching me in ways I didn't like, and wanting me to touch them in ways I didn't understand. They wanted me to touch their thing like what I had and hated because it meant I had to be a boy at home. I thought those men were being nice until one of them said he wanted me to kiss his thing and even forced me to kiss it. Each man that night wanted me to kiss their thing and forced me to kiss it telling me if I didn't maybe they would have dad bring one of his other daughters and they might be more willing. I knew what they wanted wasn't right, but I was still just a child and they were big enough to force me if I didn't cooperate, and the threat of them doing it to one of my sisters was enough I cooperated without anymore problems," I said.

I pulled up at Kathy's and turned the car off. Her car was sitting there in its standard parking space, and Niki's car sat right next to it. I looked around to see if moms car was close by and didn't see it anywhere.

I opened the door and walked up to the house Kathy and Jennifer were renting and stood on the porch waiting for Jim to join me.

Jim stepped on the porch and rang the bell. I stepped to one side while we waited for either Kathy or Niki to answer.

"Kathy said you'd be coming by tonight," Niki said opening the door far enough for Jim to enter.

Jim stepped inside and I followed quickly since Niki turned away from the door back into the living room and called out to Kathy letting her know Jim was there.

Kathy stepped in the living room from the kitchen wearing a dress that looked like the ones I was forced to wear before letting dad and David know I wouldn't tolerate either of them treating any of my sisters the way they had me.

Niki headed into one of the bedrooms and emerged a short time later wearing a dress much like the one Kathy had on, and I felt a tear start rolling down my cheek.

"Andr... Kathy I hope you don't plan on things being how they were. I can't live that way and told you that back when you asked for my tattoo. Both you and Niki got that tattoo without my consent, and I did agree to it only because it kept David and several of the others away from you," Jim said.

"You said you'd always be willing to accept us," Kathy said.

"I do accept you as people not property," Jim said.

"So you won't give us the babies we've asked for?" Niki asked.

I stepped out of the shadows.

"I don't believe either of you. Have you so easily forgotten the promises you made me? Don't either of you give a damn about what I went through to protect you from this kind of thing? You promised me you'd let me know if David or dad ever treated anyone in the family like whores when I left for school, and each time we talked you said everything was great, that dad and David were leaving you alone, that they both took my warning to heart. Kathy I can't believe you wouldn't tell me the truth," I said.

"Alex he threatened to kill you if I told you. Then when you came home and it was obvious he couldn't beat you in a fight he threatened to kill me and Niki. What choice did I have? As long as you were home he left us alone, as soon as you were gone again he acted like you didn't exist and threatened to kill us if we ever told you," Kathy said.

"And the promises you made me just a few days ago? Where those just words? Why didn't you tell me what David had done when I got back after college? You knew I would have protected you. You knew a little of what I went through to keep that kind of thing from happening to you," I said.

I started shaking, thinking everything I had been through was for nothing. I stood there as the past started again, this time with all the sights and sounds, all the feelings. I hated those men touching me. Their words no longer meant anything because they showed their true feelings in the things they forced me to do.

I wanted it to stop, but needed it to continue so I could move past it. Dad said if I didn't let those men do those things to me he would have to bring Kathy or Jesse and let those men do those things to them.

No! That wasn't right. That wasn't the words dad used. He said someone else in the family would have to suffer what those men did to me, someone else, but not David. David had a pass because he showed he was a man. David was a man? I didn't understand, dad was a man, but he hadn't excluded himself from the someone else in the family.

The night David took Jesse to meet those men and dad like me changed into womens clothing before going in to see those men.

"Debra you look so lovely, I have no doubt you and Karen could pass as mother and daughter," one of the men said when dad and I walked in the room.

"You don't mind being called Debra do you sweety?" another man asked dad.

Dad just looked down not saying anything. He pushed me forward and the man closest grabbed my arm pulling me into his lap telling me how pretty I was. It was the first time I ever tried to stand up for dad. When the man holding me told me what he wanted, I told him if he didn't want his thing bitten off he'd think twice about treating my dad the way they did me.

He turned visibly pale at the thought of what I suggested, and told me if I didn't do what I was told dad would find his life a living hell. I looked him in the eye letting him know what they did to me couldn't be any worse than the hell they taught about and one day I would insure everyone of them paid a price they'd never forget since it would send them to a deeper darker hell then their religion taught about.

The man blanched even more and let me go. I heard him talking to one of the other men about what I said. The other man blanched almost as much and left both dad and I alone for the remainder of the night. When I saw David walk in with Jesse I felt sick. Jesse was supposed to be protected from what these men wanted and if she was here there was little, or nothing, I could do.

I tried to smile at her hoping it might give her strength, but by the time the night was over knew she was beyond any help I could give her. Her screams at the start rattled the windows, but proved useless since one after another of the men used her to fill their lusts. Before we left for home I saw she was off in a place no one would be able to reach her, if what happened that night continued, and David would make sure it did continue.

"Alex, please don't go away again," Niki said.

I turned my head at the sound of Niki's voice and saw both her and Kathy standing near me, both with concerned looks on their faces.

"You have no idea what it was like. You can't either of you imagine what hell I went through and all for nothing if what I see here is any indication. Everything I tried to do gone, and for what? You think this is a game you can play and then walk away when you don't want to play any longer? You think I held on for so long when you both know Jesse didn't even make it past her first night? I held on because if I did both of you might be free to live your lives however you wanted without having to worry about those men who are nothing but animals," I said regaining enough awareness of the present to remember where I was and what was going on.

Kathy looked at the floor knowing what I said was accurate. Niki threw her arms around me, hugging me tears running down her cheeks. Neither of them said anything, but both knew what I said was frustration because of all the suffering I survived on their account.

I wasn't sure what they had been through after I left for college, but I made promises to them, even if they weren't aware of the promises, and I wasn't able to keep my promises in part because they lied to me. They took the opportunity for me to keep those promises away from me, by not telling me what was happening.

Yes, their intentions were good. They thought they were protecting me by not telling me, but now understood it hurt me more than everything I suffered ever could have. I would have gladly given my life if it would have protected them, and they were afraid that was just what it would have cost to allow me to keep my promises.

"Don't be to hard on them Alex," I heard Marc say from somewhere across the room.

"You knew about all of this, Kathy's tattoo is yours not Jim's, it's you who wanted my sisters to act like sluts for your enjoyment," I accused.

I didn't look over where I was sure he was, I didn't see any need, he was the one who wanted me to get a tattoo in prison, his tattoo, a tattoo I was ready and willing to get even though I didn't need his protection.

Ellen said her husbands name was John not Marc. Every time she talked about him it was John this, and John that. Since I never met him I didn't know what he looked like. All the pictures showed her and Tammy never John, or Marc. Ellen even told me about a tattoo she had, one that said love always JMA. She said she got the tattoo because he asked her to, and never said what it was about other than she loved him enough she put his initials on herself. She later confided that the tattoo was only henna and would eventually wear off, but she kept it touched up so he wouldn't find out.

I expected to hear him respond to what I said, and there was only silence. I finally looked over where I was sure he was and there was only Jim. Was his voice something I heard only in my head?

I pushed Niki back a little and saw fear in her eyes, not fear of me, not like I had seen in Marc's eyes the day I killed David, but fear just the same.

Kathy was staring at me like she didn't understand me any longer and I wondered at my own sanity.

I knew I heard Marc's voice, I knew it wasn't just my mind playing games, hearing something just because I knew it was something he would say. I knew he was here because Niki was here and she didn't have time to drive out to the farm and back in the time it took me to meet with Jim and drive here with him.

"Where is he Niki?" I whispered in more of a hiss than a whisper.

"Where is who? Alex the only ones here are the three of us and Jim," Niki replied.

"John, where is John?" I asked.

"John? Alex who is John?" Niki asked.

The look on Kathy's face told me she knew who John was, so I turned my question to her.

"He isn't here Alex, and no this tattoo isn't his. Mom took him home so he could show her the house you said her and Niki could use," Kathy said.

"I thought his name was Marc," Niki said.

"His name is Johnathan Marcus Adleson. I didn't recognize him because he was using his middle name not his first, and Ellen always referred to him as John. By the time I knew who he was I kept calling him Marc because I thought that was what he wanted," I said.

He was involved, I knew he was. Ellen said she was afraid of letting her henna tattoo fade because he might get mad. I knew he was here I heard his voice telling me not to get angry about what happened to my sisters while I was away at college.

"Find a memory that is beautiful and focus on that. Everyone has memories that are good, and if you hope to find balance there is where you need to look," my sensei said the second lesson.

I needed to find a good memory and at the moment I wasn't sure that was possible. The day Kathy first let me wear one of her dresses. Mom came in and gasped because she wasn't sure which of us was which and even getting us to talk she had difficulty telling us apart. I was so happy until mom made both of us undress so she could tell us apart. When she let us get dressed again she let Kathy dress in pretty clothes before dragging me into the room I shared with David, she spanked me telling me I was likely going to get even worse when dad got home.

No, that wasn't the memory, that memory lead to pain. As bad as mom spanked me dad was even worse. Dad made me strip down and unlike mom he used a belt and I had trouble sitting for the next week.

The day I left for college. Mom and Kathy were the only ones home at the time and I took all the clothes I had hanging among Kathy's in the closet. I was dressed in a new dress I bought the week before. The look of disapproval on moms face said what she thought of me being dressed in a fashion I preferred. Kathy gave me a hug and promised she would let me know if David or dad tried to get her or Niki involved in what they forced Jesse and I into until the night I broke David's jaw and stood over dad letting both of them know I wouldn't allow either of them to treat anyone else in the family the way they had Jesse and I.

That was a sweet memory, at least it had been until now, now that I knew Kathy didn't keep her promise, and thus her and Niki had been dragged into the perversion I fought so hard to shelter them from.

That memory was now tainted in such a manner I didn't think of it as a good memory any longer.

There was the day I graduated from college and had several law firms want me, offering salaries that boggled the mind. I accepted the law firm from home because I knew it was the only way to insure Kathy, Niki and Neal were safe and protected fully.

"Alex can we talk?" Neal asked.

I gave him a strange look as though his question made no sense to me.

"Neal we're family of course you can talk to me," I replied.

"Will you teach me to fight? Will you teach me so David leaves me alone?" Neal asked.

I reached out to put my arm around his shoulders and he winced in pain. I gently asked if he had his cell phone and he handed it to me. I called dad and when he answered I told dad if he or David ever touched anyone else in the family I would kill them, I had enough of suffering in the family because of them. I hung up and handed Neal back his phone.

David came out of the house along with Niki and Kathy and stood there looking at me as though to challenge me to come any closer.

"You son-of-a-bitch, if you ever touch anyone in this family again I'll kill you," I said to David.

"Yea, like that's really going to happen Kevin, or is it Karen, I forget," David replied coming closer.

I knew he intended to try forcing something with me and I refused to move.

When Neal stepped away from me David charged with the intent of tackling me. I sidestepped him and gave him a kick in the ass as he went by sending him sprawling on the grass. He got back up quickly and turned to charge me again. I faked a step to the side and instead stepped into his charge raising my knee catching him squarely in the groin sending him flying backward clutching himself crying like a baby.

"You ever touch anyone in this family again and I will kill you David, that isn't a threat, it's a promise," I said.

All three of my younger siblings saw me layout our older brother and all three knew I had broken his jaw, so why the lies rather than telling me the truth.

Again a memory that on one level seemed good, but became soured. Did I need to go back further into my childhood to find a good memory? How much further could I go, since the first time I dressed and got beat for it was one of my earliest memories.

Did I get the memories right? The last one didn't seem right for some reason. It felt like I got something out of order. I knew Neal and I had the talk and David tried to force something and was sure the time I broke his jaw was dumb luck on my part, but when did it happen? It wasn't when I came back home, at least not when I came back home to work. It was at the end of my first quarter, I had a couple weeks between quarters and came home to spend them with Kathy, my best friend and sister.

So what happened when I came home to work? I couldn't remember. Of course there were all the contracts I worked on, contracts that made me a great deal of money. Jim had been one of my smaller clients and there had been a couple contracts for him that paid me over one million dollars.

I knew I worked five years and had enough in the bank I'd never have to work again if I didn't want, but I loved being a lawyer, so why did I quit? The Pride Center. Kathy and I talked about there not being anywhere locally for anyone in the LGBTQI community to get local support, and came up with the idea of starting a local Pride Center. I contacted the national center and asked what it would take to set up a local Center and they sent out Jeff as a representative to assist us in getting it setup.

When Jeff got here he said he would be willing to help out as long as needed, and offered to set up the financial records. Since he hadn't gotten anything from the national center I refused and told him since I was putting up all the money to get the Center going I wanted Kathy setting up the books. I knew she had a basic understanding and would find a way of getting us the most for our dollar. I asked Jeff to see about setting up a Pride Fest and help with people being able to find whatever help they needed locally.

Jeff didn't seem very happy about my decision to make Kathy the treasurer, but didn't dare say anything as long as Kathy proved she knew what she was doing. The national Pride sent us a copy of their contract and I looked it over carefully to insure it was something I could live with. I found a few problems that I highlighted making corrections I felt would improve things and sent it back telling them if they couldn't resolve the issues I had I didn't feel comfortable signing their contract and would look for another national organization we could affiliate with. A week later I received a signed copy of the rework I made along with a letter asking if they could use it for all affiliate Centers.

The day Ellen showed up wondering if she could volunteer, I wondered if perhaps everything in the world would start changing for the better. She knew the best way for a trans-person to change their name legally and together we started the procedure to get my name changed. A month after she started volunteering I talked to Kathy and Jeff the other board members about her joining the board of directors and giving her a salary to match the rest of us. Two weeks later Jeff introduced Maude and said he wanted her on the board as well. He had been resistant to allowing Ellen on the board and now wanted to bring someone I didn't know, who had volunteered, to have powers reserved for board members.

I agreed to allowing Maude to work as a volunteer for the center and almost immediately regretted the decision. Maude came in as a volunteer trying to change everything, she started trying to decide who we were there to offer support and who just weren't worthy of support because they didn't measure up to her standards.

The first time I caught her telling a trans-person they should just get over the idea, their gender identity was something of their own fucked up beliefs, and they would never find peace until they just accepted the doctor was right, I told her to get out. The next day she was back telling me she contacted national and as long as we were a charter member of the national organization she had the right to work there and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

I had no idea what Maude was capable of and it was easier to just let her stay than fight and end up in court over something that could easily be avoided.

The memory faded and I looked from Kathy to Niki and over at Jim. Niki by then had released me from the hug. The look on all their faces told me all I needed to know, the protection I offered meant nothing since I tried to do something for myself in gaining an education. That where I went to get that education wasn't really all that far away to Kathy and Niki made my offer worthless.

I turned and walked away hoping perhaps I was wrong in my assessment and they might call me back. I pulled the door closed behind me and headed for my car. I sat in my car for another ten minutes before starting it and leaving. My sisters had what they wanted, they were both adults now and knew I would do anything to insure they had a chance to live in peace and safety without the threat of any further abuse, either physical or sexual, but only they could decide if they wanted the offer I made.

I headed for the farm and rather than going up to the house headed for the barn where the horse I now had was supposed to be.

In the barn there was nothing but the bales of hay in the loft. Apparently the riding tack ordered from the local coop still hadn't arrived.

When I stepped up to the fence my horse came over giving me a nudge with her nose. It was obvious she knew I was feeling down, and she wanted to let me know she would always be there even when no one else would be.

I looked at her face and saw what appeared to be a white rose emblazoned on her forehead.

"Is your name Rose?" I asked, knowing I wasn't likely to get a response.

"She's beautiful," someone said behind me.

I turned around and there stood a young girl about the same age Tammy would be if she were still alive.

"Does John know you're here?" I asked.

"I'm not here for him, I'm here to help you," she said.

"I stopped believing in angels a lone time ago," I said

"That's the first time anyone ever referred to me as an angel," she said.

"Who are you then?" I asked.

"Uncle John said you needed someone to help create some good memories, I told him I'd be willing to try if you would be willing to let me," she said.

"Did you know when I met him he said his name was Marc?" I asked.

"He likes that name better. Aunt Ellen and I were the only ones who ever called him John. Even Tammy always called him Marc if she wasn't calling him dad," she said.

"So you're Erica's daughter?" I asked.

"No, I'm Linda's daughter, my mom is the oldest Erica's the youngest," she said.

"So do you have a name or am I supposed to call you Linda's daughter?" I asked smiling.

"I doubt I'd answer to that very well. My name is Lindsey and I usually answer to it but not always," Lindsey said.

"I see so is there another name you prefer?" I asked.

"You'll laugh if I tell you. I loved Aunt Ellen because she always let me be whoever I wanted," Lindsey said.

"Ellen was great that way," I said.

"You knew Aunt Ellen?" Lindsey asked.

"We worked together for a while. I even got to meet Tammy a few times," I said.

"Your that Alex? OMG! I... I'm sorry I didn't know. Aunt Ellen told me your one of the smartest kindest people she ever met," Lindsey said.

"It sounds to me like she was talking about herself," I said.

Lindsey laughed and came up alongside me.

"Know how to ride," I asked.

"Sure, but you only have one horse and no saddle," Lindsey said.

"Well I was thinking of going for a ride and I know Rose won't mind me just climbing on, she probably wouldn't mind you climbing on behind me," I said.

Lindsey smiled, and we were both standing on the fence with Rose coming over to let us get on.

"If we go over to Aunt Erica's I know she has another horse and saddles we could use," Lindsey said.

## Chapter 19

At Erica's we headed for the barn and were met by Erica just coming out.

"Judging by the look of you two I would guess you're here to borrow a horse and saddles," Erica said.

"Please Aunt Erica, Alex's tack isn't there yet and she only has one horse. I didn't bring mine yet, cause I didn't know if it would be ok with Uncle John and Alex if I stay there yet," Lindsey said.

"Happy is available and I have no doubt you can show Alex how to saddle that horse better than I can," Erica said.

"What kind of name is that for a horse?" I asked.

"You'll have to ask Lindsey, she's the one who name him," Erica said.

I laughed and waited for Lindsey to get off so I could.

"Aunt Alex, Happy is the colt of my mare Genny, Genny seemed so happy the day he was born it sounded like a good name for him," Lindsey said.

I frowned at her reference to me as aunt Alex. I loved the idea of being an aunt, but was having serious second thoughts about whether, or not Marc was the right person.

I didn't say anything, at least not right away, I wanted to know if Lindsey was even aware of what she said.

"We really should brush Rose before trying to saddle her," Lindsey said.

It took an hour before we had both horses saddled and ready to ride. Rose gave me a dirty look when I put the saddle on her, but when Lindsey said I should use a bit harness I objected and said I wasn't putting anything in her mouth that wasn't food.

"I guess you can try harness reigns, I know Uncle John uses them, but I was taught that horses respond better to a bit then harness reigns," Lindsey said.

"That may well be, but I won't do anything to cause pain to any living thing," I said.

She didn't seem phased I would say something like that and put the bit away and grabbed a set of halter reigns. When the horses were saddled I climbed on Rose and waited while Lindsey worked to calm Happy enough for her to get on. I walked Rose over closer and took Happy's halter and held it while Lindsey got on.

I headed out where Rose and I went the day I got her. When I got down and dropped the reigns Lindsey gave me a funny look. She got down off Happy and tied a short rope between his front legs before allowing him to wonder over with Rose.

"Aren't you afraid she'll run off?" Lindsey asked.

"Should I be? Where would she go if she ran off? Back to the barn? Maybe over to Erica's so she could be with the horses there? The worst that can happen is I have to walk back," I said.

I started walking the fence line with Lindsey right behind me. I found the place I stopped the day Rose and I first came out here and sat down. I was sure Lindsey was going to ask what was so special since it didn't look much different than were we got off the horses, but she sat down next to me and started playing with the grass the same as I was doing.

"It's beautiful out here," Lindsey said as though to no one.

I smiled and the memory of the day I got home and saw Rose the first time played through my mind.

I leaned up against the corral fence and all of a sudden Rose nudged me as though asking if I wanted to go for a ride.

I had never been on a horse before, but I found myself sitting on her back and we were running across the field. I didn't worry about falling off, I didn't think about anything other than being free, the wind blowing through my hair.

I looked up and Rose was standing close, but not paying much attention to me. She seemed to be content just to know where I was and be ready if I wanted to go somewhere.

I looked over at Lindsey and saw she too seemed content to just sit there weaving grass together waiting in case I needed something. I saw so much of Ellen in her, yet saw a lot of Marc as well. Was this how this whole family was? Did they all have a natural ability of setting someone at ease, as though the world revolved around them, as though the person they waited for were the most important person in the world.

"Did you learn that from your mother?" I asked.

Lindsey looked up from what she was doing and smiled.

"I think Ellen taught me, but it might have been Uncle John," Lindsey said.

"You spent a lot of time with them I take it?" I asked.

"In the summer they would come out here to live, and I spent the summers with them while my parents went to Europe," Lindsey said.

"Haven't you ever wanted to go to Europe with them?" I asked.

"There was always so much fun to have here I never thought about it. Tammy and I probably covered the whole ranch each summer chasing the cows and fishing with Uncle John," Lindsey said.

It was going to be long past time for dinner when we got back to the house if we didn't start back soon. I didn't seem particularly hungry, but figured Lindsey was, at least if she was like every other preteen I had ever met.

"Did you have dinner yet?" I asked.

"It is getting late isn't it? I guess it wouldn't be a good idea to try riding back in the dark," Lindsey said.

So she was willing to let me decide about going back or camping out. I doubted we had anything in the way of food and I had never been one to enjoy sleeping on the ground when there was a soft bed waiting somewhere.

I stood up and Rose came over and stood waiting for me to mount.

"She really seems to love you. It isn't often I've seen a horse so devoted to a person," Lindsey said.

I didn't say anything because I didn't know what to say. I didn't see Rose as a dumb animal, but then I never saw the dogs I had been around as dumb animals either. All the dogs I knew growled at David and I guessed it was because they were able to sense the kind of person he was, something people should do, but for some reason weren't able.

I climbed in the saddle and waited while Lindsey caught Happy and removed the short rope from his front legs and mounted.

"I don't think Erica will mind if we don't bring the horse and tack back until tomorrow," I said.

"I doubt she'll mind if we don't bring it back all summer. The tack on Rose was delivered to her this afternoon and Happy is my horse, just like his mother is mine," Lindsey said.

I started laughing not thinking the tack might have been delivered to Erica's when there was no one here to take delivery.

We rode back to the house in relative quiet stopping at the barn to brush the horses and store the tack. I wasn't sure what to say or do about Lindsey, since I really didn't know her other than Erica seemed to know her and didn't seem surprised having her call her Aunt Erica. I was sure Lindsey wasn't sure what to say either since all she knew of me was whatever Ellen, and Tammy might have told her.

"Alex, are you having second thoughts about marrying Uncle John?" Lindsey asked after we let the horses out in the pasture.

I stopped mid stride and turned toward her.

"I've known of him for almost five years, and know he was a wonderful husband and father to Ellen and Tammy, but I'm not sure he's a man I can love fully. There was a time I was sure, but some of the memories from the past have been playing through my mind and most of them are anything but pleasant. I'm not sure I could burden him, or anyone else, with what those memories could do to me after what I've learned today," I said.

"I heard a little about it, mostly what happened here with your brother, but I know Uncle John loves you and would do almost anything for you," Lindsey said.

"Even destroy himself in an attempt to save me! No Lindsey, I can't be responsible for anyone else getting hurt because I failed. If I really love him the best thing for both of us, is for both of us to walk away while there's still time," I said feeling the tears trying to over flow my eyelids.

I wanted to be loved for me and now I wasn't sure that was possible. Everyone would be better off if I left and never came back, but every time I tried they brought me back. If Lindsey hadn't gone on that ride with me I knew I wouldn't have come back from it. I had a few of my stars with me and would have finished what I started the day my brother died at my hand.

Lindsey gave me a hurt look, but didn't say anything.

We walked in the house to find mom, Kathy and Marc waiting for us.

I headed for the bedroom without saying anything to anyone. I was going to have to find a place of my own, somewhere I could complete what it seemed everyone wanted to prevent me from completing.

"Can we talk, please?" Kathy said sticking her head in the bedroom.

"What is there to talk about? I really think everything we needed to talk about was said at your place," I said.

"I wasn't dressed that way for Jim, and the fact I gave him my panties this morning had nothing to do with the tattoo," Kathy said.

"You lied to me Kathy. You promised me you'd tell me if David ever tried anything and even after you knew he couldn't beat me you still continued to lie by not telling me. So what more is there to talk about? How can I be sure your telling me the truth? I've never lied to you, unless you want to call withholding what I went through to protect you and Niki as something you consider to be a lie, and even that I haven't hidden from you any longer," I said.

"I was afraid. At first I was afraid for you, then when you proved he couldn't beat you I was afraid for me and the rest of the family. Alex I can't ask you to forgive me, I'm not sure I can ever forgive myself. I saw how hurt you were when you left and I was afraid again because I thought you might try again," Kathy said.

"Afraid I might try again? That's a cop out and you know it. If it hadn't been for Marc's niece chances are you wouldn't be able to stand there and tell me how afraid you are because I wouldn't be here now. I had ever intention of coming out here and taking Rose out like I did. I didn't count on Lindsey waiting to talk to me the way she was," I said.

"So I was right to be worried about what you might do?" Kathy said.

"Yea, you were right, just like you were right to let everything I suffered be for nothing because you couldn't tell me what was going on like you promised you would. What difference does anything I've done make? Why the hell not just come out and tell me I mean nothing rather than lying to me. Why couldn't you be honest with me? Why did you hide, even now that David is dead and can't hurt anyone any longer?" I said.

"I did what I did to try protecting you, and by the time I knew you didn't need my protection it was too late and I didn't know how to tell you. When David knew you were back he stopped because he knew he couldn't hide any of it from you any longer, but he also knew you couldn't watch over all of us all the time and since Niki and Nancy still lived at home he would have been able to get to them anytime he wanted and there was nothing you could have done about it," Kathy said.

"You don't have a clue what those men did to me over the years, I know what they did to you and to Niki, and believe me it was nothing compared to what they did to Jesse and I, and I went through it all for nothing," I said.

Kathy gave me a look of disbelief, surely what I went through couldn't have been worse than what they tried to do to her.

I wanted her to leave, but I wanted her to stay too. I hoped she would give me a hug and tell me she was sorry, that she thought she was protecting those she cared most about at the time, but she just stood there looking at me like she couldn't believe her actions had hurt me more than anything those men did ever could have.

I got undressed, even taking off the prosthetic I still wore because as yet I hadn't been able to have the corrective surgery. I threw the prosthetic at her and told her to give it to John and tell him his hoped to be wife isn't the prise he hoped for, because nothing they ever did amounted to anything. I then told her to get out I didn't have anymore time for excuses, if she couldn't tell me anything other than excuses she didn't have anything more I wanted to hear.

I walked in the bathroom and stepped in the shower. I had a razor sitting on one of the shelves and reached for it only to hear the door open and have something thrown in the shower with me.

"You can put that back on or not, either way you are no less a woman than you've always been, and either way I'll continue to love you. I know you have a razor in there that I have no doubt you could manage to take apart and use to reopen those wounds in your arms. I won't try to stop you, I doubt I could even if I tried, but I really do hope you won't," Marc said.

I felt the tears running down my face even as the water washed them away.

"Nothing I've ever done makes a difference, so why is everyone so insistent in keeping me around?" I asked.

"Do you really believe that? How long did your actions save your younger sisters from something that would have done to them what it did to Jesse? How long do you think I could have lasted when we were in prison if it wouldn't have been for you and your willingness to do whatever it took to protect me? Alex you've made more of a difference in the lives of those you love than you can begin to imagine. Even after you left for college and David started abusing Kathy and Niki he and those others never did what they did to you and Jesse because they feared what you might do if they did," Marc said.

I sank to the floor of the shower shaking trying to find a balance, and just wanting to finally be free of all the pain. I knew if something didn't change and soon I'd suffer the same fate Jesse had. I needed the balance that none of my good memories from the past were able to give because those memories were all now nothing but lies.

"You don't understand, no one understands. Everything I fought so hard for is nothing but lies now. Everything I went through was for nothing," I cried unable to do anything but sit there on the floor of the shower shaking and crying.

Marc opened the door to the shower and turned off the water. He leaned in picking me off the shower floor and carried me to the bed sitting down and holding me in his lap.

"Your right I can't imagine what you've been through, but I know it wasn't for nothing. I know it saved Kathy, Niki and Nancy more than you can see. Alex I love you so much and while I could go on, it wouldn't be worth much if you aren't there," Marc said trying to offer comfort.

"I'm defective John, I'm broken," I cried.

He took an audible breath when I called him John. I saw fear in his face again, the same fear I saw when he realized I was capable of killing my own brother. The fear wasn't there long, but it was there I saw it.

"You don't want me to call you by your first name?" I asked.

He didn't say anything, but then I didn't expect him to.

"Tell me, the tattoo Kathy and Niki have was it before or after Kathy rejected you?" I asked.

The fear was there again and this time he wasn't able to hide it so readily. I didn't have proof he was involved in any of what happened, but if my hunch was correct I wouldn't need any to get him to admit to his part in it all.

"You really think that little of me? Alex I never met Kathy until that day she came out to the prison with her wife to visit you," Marc said.

Was it really fear I saw or was it hurt? I didn't really know and he had given me no reason to doubt him, so why was I sure he was involved? I couldn't stop shaking and the horrors from the past started playing through my mind again.

"You look so pretty Karen. I'll bet you can do everything a grow woman can," he said taking my hand and placing it on his member telling me to stroke it, even moving my hand along its surface.

I heard myself crying, screaming as one after another, they forced me to do things that hurt and felt degrading. I heard myself trying to scream when one after another forced their member in my mouth with threats of beatings if I bit them. I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks as one after another of them filled my mouth with their seed and slapped me if I didn't swallow it all.

I heard the vow that if any of them ever did anything like they did to me, to one of my sisters, I would make them pay in the most horrible way I could. I would make sure they each of them knew the degrading feeling they dished out.

I saw so many women and girls my age and older brought in and raped repeatedly, those animals making them beg for the abuse they dished out, even making them demand to be abused. Each one of them torn apart mentally. Made to believe they had no other purpose than to serve the needs of animals such as themselves.

The day David came to those meetings the first time and seeing me smiled and made sure he got his chance to use me for his animalistic desires. The humiliation of him using me and me not being able to do anything about it. To think I had to share a room with someone so inhuman, someone who cared so little about someone they should have loved if for no other reason than the blood they shared.

Marc set me on the bed pulling a blanket around me and walked over to the door. I pulled the blanket tighter not even aware he had gotten up and left.

"Uncle John is she going to be alright?" Lindsey asked.

"Is Angela here?" Marc asked.

"Aunt Erica just brought her and Marc," Lindsey said.

"How about going and getting them, I think if we're going to get her back this time it will take more than either her sisters or I can do. Lindsey, Alex has been through more than any of us can begin to know or understand. I know she loves kids and I think maybe if you and Angela were to go in and talk with her, you might be able to reach her," Marc said.

Marc let the kids in the room and Lindsey came over to me and sat down.

"This is aunt Alex, don't you think she's pretty?" Lindsey said.

I didn't hear Angela reply, but I hadn't really head what Lindsey said either.

"Are you going to be our new mommy?" Angela asked.

New mommy? I didn't understand because it seemed the question was directed at me.

"I'm sorry sweetheart, I don't understand," I said to the little girl sitting next to me on the bed.

How did I get on the bed? I was taking a shower after Kathy tried to tell me she was sorry, or something. All she did though was tell me everything I suffered was for nothing, that nothing I tried to do was of any worth, because she still got raped by all those men and even let them do something to her they never had the nerve to do to me.

I felt the bed move and turned to find Lindsey sitting on the other side of me holding a small boy, or so it seemed.

"Lindsey is this your brother and sister?" I asked.

Lindsey smiled and nodded.

"Angela is five and Marc is three," Lindsey said.

"Angela did you ask me a question?" I asked.

"She asked if you were going to be our new mom," Lindsey said.

"I don't understand, why would you think I'm going to be your new mom? Did something happen to your mom and dad?" I asked.

Lindsey looked down and I knew their parents were either dead or for some other reason no longer able to take care of them.

I stood up and asked the children to please go back in the other room and ask John to come in and talk to me while I found some clothes to wear.

I found a dress that was short, but not as short as what Kathy had been wearing when Jim and I arrived at her place to find out what was going on.

"I was going to tell you about the kids when you got home," Marc said closing the door behind him.

"Is that why you want to get married so fast? Is that the real reason for quiting the FBI? How long have you known?" I asked not waiting for him to answer between each question.

"I found out when I got home. Alex, Linda and her husband went out to dinner last night and left the kids with Erica. They were supposed to have picked them up this morning and didn't show up. Erica called the police to find out if there had been an accident or something when she tried to call Linda and got no answer. When I talked to her after I got home she said the police had finally gotten back to her saying they had confirmation that Linda and Greg's car was involved in a crash and everyone in the car was killed, but no IDs were found and the search for identities was difficult because the car had burst into flames and the bodies were badly burned. The car was easier to identify then the bodies were proving to be," Marc said.

"So those kids have nowhere else to go?" I asked.

"Erica and Aaron don't have the room and I don't know anything about Greg's family, if there is any," Marc said.

"Marc I... today has been hell for me. If you remember what I've told you about what I've been through and why maybe you can understand. I don't know why I thought you might have been involved, but I did," I said.

"I'm guessing Ellen told you about her henna tattoo and that I got upset if she let it fadeout, I'm also guessing she told you my name was John since no one other than Lindsey has called me John since we met," Marc said.

"I did piece that together from her always saying your name was Johnathan M. she may have told me about the henna tattoo, but I don't really remember," I said.

"Ellen told me a lot about you too, but it never dawned on me you were transgender. When I met up with Kathy after being pulled out I thought she was you because Ellen said you were both beautiful and smart and Kathy is both beautiful and smart. I know she made some mistakes, but I also know she wanted to tell you everything when I ran into her after I left the prison. I've never asked you to share what you've been through because I know how painful it can be, and since watching you trying to fight the memories the idea of you reliving them terrifies me, but I know what you've been through wasn't for nothing. Kathy and Niki are both well aware of what you've been through, and regret not having told you what your brother tried to do to them. You can thank your father and mother he was never able to abuse them the way he did you, or that the men involved in the abuse against you didn't either. Your parents told them all flat out that if you ever found out what they tried to do, you would likely hunt them all down and make them beg for death and still deny them as long as you could," Marc said.

"Kathy shouldn't have a tattoo like the one we talked about for me while in prison. Marc I only considered the idea of getting a tattoo like that because I knew you couldn't survive in there alone and I wouldn't survive without something like that," I said.

"How much did you deflect while we were there?" Marc asked.

"I don't know. I know there were a few guys in there that wanted to get you out of the picture hoping they could control me the way they thought you did. I doubt they thought that way long when they finally saw me in action though, and the rumor of what I did to those two guards did help convince people I wasn't someone to fuck with," I said.

"You do know I have four black belts don't you?" Marc asked.

"I never thought about it, and no I didn't know," I said.

"After watching you the day David thought he could force us, I knew you and your two black belts were more than a match for my four belts. I've never seen anyone who could so easily handle a situation as you did, and I was afraid that day, but it wasn't you I was afraid of, it was you I was afraid for. I knew when you released that star your brother was dead and a promise you made a long time ago was fulfilled. I was afraid though that he might get off a second shot before the star reached him. And then when you sank to the floor I was sure the first shot hit you since he didn't get off a second," Marc said.

I started crying thinking he thought I had been hit by a bullet. When that star left my hand I knew David was dead and was so afraid everyone would accuse me of killing him because they all knew I never missed my target and hadn't for some time. The other two men I had thrown stars at both suffered minor wounds that I dressed before moving on. The only reason David was dead was because I killed him and everyone there should have known. That they all testified it was self defense baffled me because I knew it wasn't I could have thrown that star to hit his arm and disable him, but I intentionally threw it to kill him.

"Alex those kids need a stable home, and we do have room here," Marc said.

"I murdered him Marc you know I did. You've seen how accurate I am with my stars," I said.

"He was trying to kill you Alex. You threw that star in self defense everyone there saw what happened and the fact he is dead can be chalked up to adrenaline flow not intentional intent. Even the best of us go for a kill when we could go for something less. I know you wouldn't have killed him if he hadn't taken that gun and shot at you," Marc said.

"I murdered him Marc. I told him a long time ago if he ever did anything to one of my sisters I would kill him. I did mean to kill him and I still have no regret that I did. Is someone that can do something like that someone you want mothering your children or nieces and nephews?" I asked.

"Alex your a good person, that you don't regret David dying is a tribute to him not you. You never asked him to treat you and your sisters the way he did. You gave him every chance, more than he deserved. You aren't a murderer," Marc said.

I pulled on the dress I picked out of the closet and waited to see if he would say anything about me not putting the prosthetic back on first.

"I can't pretend to be something I'm not any longer. Until I can have surgery this is who I have to be," I said when he looked at the prosthetic laying on the bed.

He nodded and we walked out into the living room together, Marc with his arm around my waist.

## Chapter 20

Kathy and Jennifer both smiled at me, to let me know they understood how much I hurt finding out about things I should have known a long time ago.

I sat next to Lindsey and Angela climbed in my lap taking one leg and little Marc taking the other, but needing help getting up. Marc sat next to me wrapping his arm around my shoulders far enough to pull Lindsey over tighter against me.

"These kids have been telling us you're their new parents," Jennifer said, not indicating whether she was talking to me or Marc.

"We aren't sure yet, but it does look like we might be," Marc said.

I knew Lindsey was sure and looking at Angela and little Marc felt they were sure as well. I didn't smile or say anything since I still felt unsure I wouldn't fall again into the despair that took me to the edge three times in the last six months. Twice being found and saved by someone I didn't think would care any longer, and the last time even before I did anything that could be deemed as self destructive.

Kathy looked over at me and smiled a very sad smile and I felt a tear slide onto my cheek. If Marc was right the tattoo Kathy had was nothing like I imagined and would if left alone fade out before long.

I needed to get up and go for a walk, to find somewhere I could get my balance back, but at the moment I didn't even know how I could stand since both Angela and little Marc had their head laying against my breast and were breathing deeply as though in sleep.

Marc saw my dilemma and took Angela off my lap being careful not to wake her. With only Little Marc to deal with I was able to stand up and head for the smaller of the two bedrooms laying him in the bed making sure he was tucked in, then headed for the other bedroom and helped Marc get Angela tucked in.

"Lindsey when you feel ready to go to bed you'll be sharing the room we put Angela in. I need to go for a walk and I'm not sure how long I'll be," I said.

Lindsey nodded and headed for the bigger of the two small bedrooms. Marc gave me a questioning look as though to ask if I wanted him to walk with me. When I reached the door Kathy stood up and followed me out the door.

"I think it's me she wants to talk to," Kathy said.

We were half way to the barn before either of us said anything.

"I never meant to hurt you," Kathy said.

"It's those we want to hurt the least we always hurt the most," I said.

"Is that something you learned from your martial arts training?" Kathy asked.

"Not really. It's more just something I've observed throughout my life. I know you didn't mean to hurt me, just as I never meant to hurt you. Unfortunately it was each other we each hurt the most. You with a broken promise for reasons I can't understand, and me because I haven't been willing to let you explain your reasons without feeling betrayed," I said.

"I really thought you hated me for what I did. I did what I thought I had to in order to protect you and Niki. By the time you came home and proved it wasn't a fluke the first time I didn't know how to tell you, and David changed his threat and said if I told you he would kill Niki and me," Kathy said.

"Do you remember what I said at your house, the question I asked about John?" I asked.

"I couldn't believe you thought he was involved. Alex until I told him about what David did to me and what I knew of what you had been through I didn't know anything about him other than what Ellen and you told me. We never even talked much when we were working on getting you out of jail," Kathy said.

"He told me your tattoo is like Ellen's was. Henna that you've been able to change because it does wear off," I said.

"It was, but since Jenny and I got married I had it made permanent. It was something Jenny and I decided to do together. Mine says I love Jenny with all my heart and hers says she loves me with all her heart," Kathy said.

I started laughing.

"Did Ellen ever tell you about her tattoo?" I asked.

"Ellen had a tattoo? She never said anything to me about it," Kathy said.

"I was just wondering. She told me about it a couple weeks before all the trouble started. I think Marc got upset because it was faded and he was getting ready to go out of town. She said she hadn't seen him that angry in all the time she had known him," I said.

"What kind of tattoo did she have?" Kathy asked

"I'm not really sure, but from what she said and what Marc said it was something like what you've said yours is like. I think she said it was a heart followed by Marks initials with my whole heart," I said.

"Kind of like mine then?" Kathy asked.

"I really don't know since I've never seen yours or hers," I said.

We fell silent as we reached the corral and Rose came over to me nudging me in the shoulder.

"She really seems to like you. So have you given her a name yet?" Kathy asked.

"Have you looked at the patch on her forehead? To me it looks like a rose, so I've started calling her Rose," I said.

"I see there's another horse in there with her now, is that Marc's?" Kathy asked.

"No, that's Lindsey's horse, I think she said his name is Happy," I said.

Kathy laughed but didn't ask anymore about it.

I stood there not really paying attention to Rose or Kathy, I still needed to find my balance. I heard a noise and without thought had one of my stars in my hand ready to throw. I spotted the noise and without thinking released the star nailing a rat to the wall of the barn.

"I heard you'd improved with those, but I didn't think it was possible for someone to improve that much," Kathy said.

"My stars are sharper than most razors now and I don't remember the last time I missed my target," I said.

"So David's dead because you intended for him to be dead?" Kathy asked.

"David's dead because he thought he could kill Alex," Marc said walking up to where Kathy and I stood.

"I killed him when I could have only wounded him, so to answer your question Kathy, yes, he's dead because I meant for him to be dead," I said.

"I can't imagine the horrors he inflicted on you that you would kill him rather than just wound him. Alex, I know you told him if he ever touched Niki or I, you would kill him, I really didn't think you meant it literally though." Kathy said.

"If he hadn't taken that gun from one of the officers trying to arrest him, he'd still be alive. I caught him hovering over Erica, and still just kicked his ass. When he took that gun from the officer and shot at me I reacted. I don't know if I meant to kill him, but I don't have any remorse for having done so," I said.

"I think maybe it's time Jenny and I head back home. Alex for the record I only wanted to see if Jim would be willing to be a sperm donor for Jenny and me. We want to have a baby and Jim is one of the nicest men I know, and Jenny doesn't really know any men other than her brother" Kathy said.

I gave Kathy a hug and walked back to the house with her. I shared a few words with Jennifer who confirmed Kathy's desire for Jim to be a sperm donor. As they were getting in their car I asked if they either of them did any horse back riding and saw both of them light up at the prospect.

"We do have room for several more horses if you'd be interested," I said, and Marc confirmed.

"I haven't had a horse in years," Jennifer said.

"Like I said we do have room if you want to get a couple," I repeated.

Marc and I walked back up to the house, him with his arm around my waist.

Lindsey greeted us at the door asking if it was alright if she stayed up until the news came on the TV.

"Lindsey, if we have to get you up in the morning, your bed time will be the same as Angela and little Marc for a couple weeks as punishment," I said.

She looked like she was going to object, but finally figured out it was an easier punishment than it could be, so agreed.

Marc and I went in the kitchen and sat at the table talking with a cup of coffee each.

"I thought she was going to say something about it not being fair to have to go to bed the same time as Angela and little Marc," Marc said.

"She was going to, until she thought about it. I said her bed time would be the same not that she would need to actually get in bed, besides now she knows what will happen if she fails, so she'll do her best not to fail since I didn't set impossible expectations," I said.

He didn't say anything more about the kids, I knew he still wanted me to become his wife, and I still wasn't sure I was able because of all the memories that kept flooding through my mind. There had to be a way of finally putting all that horror to rest so I could create wonderful memories, the kind that everyone dreams of having.

"Marc what did Ellen have to do to get the surgery?" I asked

"She said something about needing referrals from a therapist and a psychiatrists or psychologist," Marc said.

"So she had to deal with people who think women like us are crazy?" I asked.

"Not exactly. Alex she said she did a lot of research in finding a therapist who knew anything about what transgender people go through. She said her therapist never once treated her as though her knowledge of her gender was wrong, but did want to help her through any real problems she might have from the abuse she suffered from others who refused to accept she knew who she was better than they ever could," Marc said.

"And what about me? You don't think mental health professionals would think I'm crazy, especially if they ever learned about my past? I'm terrified right now because the memories are coming more and more often. It use to be I could block them, but ever since I was alone in prison I can't anymore. They're so real it's like living through the nightmare all over again and this time not being able to find a grounding so I can stay strong," I said.

If he really wanted to help me he would help me find a way of overcoming the memories without losing myself in the process. The thought of going to a mental health person scared me almost as much as the memories and what they were doing to me.

"Alex I wasn't supposed to tell you, but Jessica is still alive. Apparently she took a turn for the worse about six months after you were arrested and your parents placed her in a care facility because they were no longer able to care for her. It was because you were her sister the justice department kept a very close eye on what happened with your case and wanted to leave you in prison as long as possible in hopes you might tell them the names of everyone involved," Marc said.

"Does anyone in my family know Jesse is still alive?" I asked.

"Only you. The justice department didn't want anyone to be able to get to her and they feared if anyone in your family knew it would put her life in danger," Marc said.

"I want to see her Marc, and I'm not taking excuses that I can't. She's my sister and I have the right," I demanded.

"They won't let you unless you're willing to give more than you already have," Marc said.

"Really? Do you think they can stop me from seeing my oldest sister if I really want to see her? Marc I don't know the names they want, I do know the faces, but not the names. I even know where many of them live, or at least where they lived at the time, but the abuse went well outside the local church," I said.

"Do you have the addresses?" Marc asked.

"The addresses, no, but I do know how to get to the homes and can probably tell which is which by seeing them," I said.

"But you don't know the addresses?" Marc asked.

"I was a kid Marc. No, I don't know the addresses," I said.

"Do you think they are still doing the kinds of things that were done to you and your sister?" Marc asked.

"What's with all these questions? You told me you quit the FBI," I said.

"I'm sorry, I know it sounds like I don't care, but I really do and until your ready to answer I don't want you to feel like I'm pressuring you. As for my resigning from the FBI, I did, but one of the conditions of them accepting my resignation was that I be willing to get and turn over any information I can pertaining to this one case," Marc said.

"So all I am is a way of completing a case? There aren't any real feelings for me, are there? I'm just someone you can use and discard just like all those men did," I said raising my voice enough Lindsey heard the distress in it.

The look of hurt in Marc's face said I couldn't have hurt him more if I had unleashed everything I knew about martial arts on him, but it still didn't ease the feeling that he was only using me.

When he didn't say anything I headed back out to the horses and stood there wondering if I was ever going to find a life were someone didn't want to use me for some end or other. The tears started falling and I felt a knot grow inside that I didn't know how to shake. Everything I had done trying to prove I had a personal value and for what? To be used at the first opportunity by someone so good at pretending I fall for it hook line and sinker.

In college I studied law so I could defend against injustice, and looking back, it seemed the biggest injustices I ever faced were against myself, and I knew nothing about how to defend against them.

I wanted Marc to love me just for me, the real me, but he seemed to only care about me for what I suffered and then only if I was the person he thought I should be. Was I so desperate to feel love I was willing to accept someone defining who I should be, what kind of person I should be?

I hoped that wasn't the case, but I no longer knew. The only place I ever felt I could be just me and be accepted was the martial arts classes. My sensei hated if anyone tried to be anything other than they were and refused to allow anyone to advance if they couldn't first convince him they were being honest about who they were.

My first belt advancement was probably the hardest for me because I had lived so long for how someone else said I should be, I didn't know who I was.

When I showed a genuine interest in learning everything he had to teach he started helping me know myself better and how to find the balance he said only someone living true to themself could find. He always said true balance was one that used the good equally with the bad, always letting the good temper the bad creating greater inter strength.

I heard the front door of the house and headed in the barn where I set up a target range of sorts.

I had a set of stars unlike any commercially available I had been working on since completing my training in their use and took them out figuring on working on them to get a cutting edge equal to or greater than on the commercial stars I had. The cutting edge was fine already but I wanted even better. These stars were mine and no one else would ever have a set like them.

"I'm not trying to use you," Marc said.

I didn't look up from my stars, I didn't care what he said at the moment, what he said sitting in the kitchen told me he was using me. Even if he did love me he was still using me.

I threw one of my stars and hit the target dead center burying one of the points deep in the wood of the target.

I knew Marc was watching so I threw another stacking it on top of the other with the point buried equally as deep.

Marc walked over to the target to pull them out and just before his hand touched them I buried a third one right on top of them.

"You could have given me warning you were going to throw another one," Marc said.

"You could have waited until I was out of them before trying to gather them," I replied.

He gave me a dirty look and pulled the stars out of the board and brought them over to me.

"I don't think I've ever seen any like these before," Marc said.

"Probably because you can't buy any like these anywhere," I replied.

"You made them?" Marc asked shock heavy in his voice.

"Actually I only designed them and put the cutting edge on them, I have a friend that has a laser cutter and they cut them out for me," I said.

He handed me all but one of the stars and started looking it over more closely. He balanced it on his finger and without thought threw it at the target hitting just off center.

"Their nicely balanced, and do have a rather fine cutting edge," Marc said.

"The cutting edge is only half as sharp as I want," I said.

"If it were any sharper it would go through that board without slowing much," Marc said.

"Do you know why you missed the target?" I asked.

"Missed the target? I hit damn near dead center," Marc said.

"But you were aiming for the center weren't you?" I asked.

He nodded he was and I threw another hitting dead center, and threw two more stacking the second on the first and putting the third just under. All three stars I threw stacked close enough you couldn't slide a hair between them.

"You never miss do you?" Marc asked.

"You saw the wounds on the men who broke in here kidnapping our sisters. Surely you noticed only one star I threw that night was aimed to kill not disable," I said.

"I noticed, and so did the police that were here, but we all saw the circumstance of the one thrown to kill. I'm not going to say you didn't throw that star to kill watching you here I doubt I could and convince myself let alone someone else. But I also don't believe you killed David in cold blood, I don't think you could have," Marc said.

"I don't know if I could have or not, all I know is I could have thrown to disable and instead I threw to kill. When I cut my arms open after throwing that star it was because I knew I couldn't handle going back to jail, or prison and I saw fear in your eyes and never wanted you to fear me. Before that night I didn't think I could kill, at least not and have no remorse from doing so. Now I know I can because all I feel having killed David is relief," I said.

"The memories started coming back while we were in prison?" Marc asked.

I nodded that they had.

"When those two guards tried to rape you?" Marc asked.

"Before that. The whole circus trial I went through was a reminder of just how cruel the people who abused me could be. It was then the memories started coming back. While I sat in jail during that trail the other prisoners would cat call me and a couple of them did try raping me, only to end up in the hospital for falling down stairs according to the guards that found them," I said.

I did a little work on making the stars sharper and Marc watched interrupting every now and then to asked questions.

"Why do you say I missed my target?" Marc asked.

"Because you were aiming for the same spot I hit. I'm not saying where you hit wasn't close only that it wasn't were you wanted," I said.

"So how can I improve?" Marc asked.

"Marc, my sensei told me that martial arts are balance. In order to achieve balance in martial arts you have to first achieve balance in your life. Right now I'm out of balance because of the memories, and the memories I used to bring myself back into balance no longer work because I now see myself as a failure. Most of those memories involve Kathy and what I believed I accomplished in protecting her from what was done to me. She promised me if David ever tried anything with her she would let me know, and she didn't," I said.

"I'm guessing that has called into question everything you thought you could trust?" Marc asked.

"Unfortunately yes. I trusted you because I chose to. When we met I believed you were in a similar situation to what I was. The day you left I thought it was because you got a new trial and were exonerated and received time served and a few years parole. I really didn't expect to ever hear from you again, I hoped you would find someone who could be everything for you I dreamed of being. I gave up hope because I felt so alone for the first time in my life. I couldn't protect Kathy and Niki any longer, the one person I had in prison with me was now gone, so what reason was there to live? Then the day David died I knew if I lived I would end up back in jail this time for actually killing someone the world is better off without. Had I not seen the fear in your eyes I could have lived with going back to prison, but the fear in your eyes was more than I could bare, thus the second attempt," I said.

"And when you got home tonight?" Marc asked.

"When I got home tonight I just wanted to escape. I wanted to escape all the things I learned were a lie, I wanted to escape the thought that everything I did was for nothing. I wanted to escape the memories that hurt so much and made me no longer trust even those I loved most. I wanted the pain to stop," I said.

"So what stopped you?" Marc asked.

"Lindsey. I planned on getting on Rose and riding her as far out as I could. I knew if it hadn't been for Lindsey coming up to me when she did that ride would have been one way. By the time you would have been able to find me I would have been dead," I said.

"And now?" Marc asked.

"And now I understand better why Kathy did what she did. That doesn't mean I agree with it, because I don't, but I do understand better now. Now there are three little kids that need someone to help them learn to be good people and maybe their favorite uncle means more than I want to let anyone especially him know," I said.

The sad in his eye softened but didn't fade entirely.

"Marc, I still love you, but I don't know right now if I can trust you. After what you said tonight how can I know if you really love me since I now know anything and everything I ever tell you about my past will be passed on without having any say in the matter," I said.

## Chapter 21

In the morning the kids were up and ready to find out what would be expected of them during the day.

Marc called Erica to see if she could help with them since I had an appointment at work and he had several things he needed to take care of, namely talking to those now running the investigation for the FBI. He knew there wouldn't be a lot he could get from me other than what I willingly gave, and didn't seem particularly annoyed I wasn't willing to share much after what they had done leaving me in prison in hopes of gaining more information than they had at that point.

In the office I told Niki she was in charge of making sure the new furniture was delivered and put in the right offices, including my new desk and chair in my office and the old desk and chair moved into Kathy's office if she wanted it.

Elizabeth offered to help since the reception area would be for both my law offices and the Pride Center at least for now.

I was determined to get a few more horses and wondered if Marc took the car or truck when he came into town. I called out to Erica and she said he took the car and if I wanted she could easily hookup the horse trailer and meet me at a ranch she knew of that sold better than average horses.

I agreed to meet her and said it would take me a couple hours before I could get there I had a few other things I needed to get done first.

Niki's friend Judy showed up just before I walked out the door and I gave her a look that said I wasn't sure I liked how late she was, but since I really didn't have much for her to do would let it slide this time.

"I'm sorry I'm late ma'am, my car wouldn't start this morning," Judy said.

"Niki knows what we have to work on for now so you'll need to get with her. Judy, in the future so you understand, I don't like excuses. You should have started out early enough that if your car wouldn't start you could make other arrangements," I said, and walked out the door not waiting for her to give another excuse or try in some other way to redeem herself in my eyes.

I stopped at the court and pulled several files of people I knew in the prison hoping to find some inconsistencies that would give reason to file appeals.

"Ma'am I'm afraid I can't let you take those files," a clerk said when I started placing the files in my bag so I could look them over in my office.

"Can I get copies of these files then?" I asked.

"Are you an attorney ma'am?" the clerk asked.

"I am, and I do know a little about these cases and if what I suspect holds I will also be representing these individuals in their appeals," I said.

"If you'd like ma'am I can see copies of them are made and they should be ready by this afternoon," the clerk said.

"I'll have one of my assistants stop by this afternoon to pick them up then, my name is Alexandra DeMay, and the person picking these files up will be either Nicole DeMay, or Judy Alcott," I said.

The clerk said they would have them ready for me, and I turned and left thinking nothing more about the cases I was supposed to be getting copies of.

I headed for the stable Erica said would have the horses we would want. When I got there Erica still wasn't there, but I hoped I'd be able to see what they had as well as find out if they would help me know what I was looking for. I wanted all the horses to be saddle ready if at all possible, but I still wanted them young.

"May I help you?" someone asked.

"I was hoping to look at some horses," I said.

"To buy or rent?" they asked.

"I was hoping to buy. My fiancée and I live on a farm/ranch plenty big enough to handle several horses along with the dairy cows we're getting," I said.

"I see, are they for pleasure or work?" they asked.

"Mostly for pleasure I imagine," I said.

"Let me guess you don't know much about horses?" they asked.

"Me? Nope I've only ridden a couple times, but my fiancée does know horses and his sister does as well and should be here almost any time with the pickup and trailer," I said.

"I suppose your fiancée has a name?" they asked.

"Of course he has a name, Marc," I said, laughing since Erica just pulled in with the truck and trailer.

"I can see your having fun at my expense, I was hoping for a last name," they said.

"A last name, I think Marc and Erica still share the same last name, but I could be wrong," I said.

"You aren't wrong Alex," Erica said coming up and giving me a hug. "Hello Carl the horses I called you about are for Alex and Marc."

"I don't think I'll ever get use to you looking like this Erica," Carl said.

I looked at the horses they started loading on the trailer and stopped them at the third horse.

"I'm sorry but this horses attitude is all wrong, have you got another one that isn't so skittish?" I asked.

Both Erica and Carl looked at me like I was crazy.

I asked them to walk the horse over by the wooden rail fence and when they had it there, I tossed a star hitting a good three feet from the horse and it reared.

They both looked from me to the horse and back to me.

"What was that?" Carl asked as I went over and pulled my star from the fence.

"I was showing that the horse is skittish. I could understand if my star had come closer, but that was a good three feet from the horse. I can't imagine what it might do to it's stall if I'm out in the barn practicing," I said.

They got the horse back under control and took it back inside and brought out three others.

Carl kept looking over at me as each of the horses were loaded on the trailer, as though wondering how I had picked up on the one horse.

He told me the price and I wrote out the check while Erica was looking at some other horses he had.

"Those are already sold," Carl told Erica as he handed me the receipt.

"It's alright Carl I can't afford anymore horses anyway," Erica said.

Erica said she would see the horses were taken back to the house and if not put in the barn at least put in the pasture Rose and Happy were in.

I was going to head back to the office after seeing Erica off and got stopped by Carl before reaching my car.

"Ma'am, I'm curious how you knew that horse was skittish?" Carl asked.

"I'm not really sure. He seemed to balk about getting in the trailer," I said.

"I've never seen someone who didn't know anything about horses see something about a horse I haven't seen first. Can I ask what it was you threw at the fence?" Carl asked.

"It was a throwing star, I use them mostly for practice, but have recently started carrying a few with me at all times," I said.

"I take it your into martial arts?" Carl asked.

"I have a couple black belts, but I learned it more for finding balance in my life and self defense than for anything else. With the stars if a person doesn't have balance in their life they'll never be very good with them," I said.

"I take it your pretty good with them?" Carl asked.

"My sensei was better," I replied.

"Don't let her kid you Carl she's the best with those stars of hers," Marc said coming up behind me.

He tried wrapping his arms around me and caught only air as I ducked away.

He gave me a dirty look but didn't say anything. Carl gave both of us a strange look.

I finished opening my car door and slid behind the steering wheel and started the car.

"I don't at least get a kiss?" Marc asked.

He leaned in taking a kiss without protest and stepped away from the car, I assumed to talk to Carl.

When I got back to the office all the furniture had been delivered and the old furniture from the reception area had been taken out. I opened my office indicating I wanted both Niki and Judy to join me so I could go over a few things, such as which of them I wanted to go over to the courthouse to pick up the files that should be ready by the time they could get there.

When I saw my new desk and chair I stopped turning to look at Niki.

"This isn't the desk or chair I ordered," I said.

"He said the ones you ordered were on back order and this was the closest he had in cost he could replace it with," Niki said.

"That son-of-a-bitch," I muttered.

"I take it you don't like this desk and chair?" Judy asked.

"It isn't what I ordered. Judy I need you to run over to the courthouse to the records office and pick up some files I have waiting for me, if they aren't ready when you get there please wait for them," I said.

Rather than continuing into my office I turned and waited for Judy to leave, then headed for Kathy's office.

When I opened the door after knocking I stood there looking at the desk and chair I ordered sitting against the far wall with Kathy sitting there a big smile on her face.

"You wouldn't rather have that desk they put in my office?" I asked.

"Are you kidding? At lest this one doesn't take three days to walk around," Kathy said giving me a wink.

"Do you have the list of mental health professionals in the area that deal with transgender people?" I asked.

"That's a list I didn't expect you to ask for," Kathy said.

I closed the door to her office and sat across the desk from her.

"I'm having trouble holding onto reality, if I don't get help and soon I could end up where Jesse did," I said.

She gave me a look of real concern. She knew me better than anyone, but somehow missed that I was getting lost in memories more and more often.

"I'll have Elizabeth bring it over as soon as I can find it. Alex I really am sorry I didn't tell you what David did after you left," Kathy said.

"I ask you not say anything about this to anyone," I said standing and turning to the door.

"Alex!" Kathy said waiting for me to turn around. "I love you."

I turned back to the door. "I love you to Kathy," I said as I opened the door and headed back to my own office.

I started getting things arranged on my desk when the phone company representatives showed up wanting to know what we wanted in the way of phone lines for the law practice.

"Niki can you fill these clowns in on what we need. Also I want a line from the Pride Center hooked into my phone as well as the additional lines we talked about," I said.

Marc had a copy of Snakes arrest and conviction at home and I had taken an opportunity to make a copy so I could look it over and determine whether, or not he was charged falsely or if he received an unfair sentence at his trial.

I found a few things that did prejudice the jury, things that should have been stricken from the official trial, but where allowed to stand because his lawyer failed to challenge them. I needed to talk to him and see if he wanted to file an appeal. The records didn't show whether, or not he was guilty, and his guilt wasn't proven beyond a doubt, instead was influenced by hearsay that never should have been allowed.

I wanted to see the other files I was supposed to be getting from the courts before trying to schedule an appointment since if what I suspected was the case I would be wanting to talk to several others at the prison as well.

The phone guys said they needed access to my office to get the phone lines installed.

"Excuse me, but who told you what phones I want? Did Niki tell you anything other than what we want for added phone lines and that I want at least one of the lines for the Pride Center added to the phone I have sitting on my desk?" I asked.

Elizabeth stuck her head in my office as I finished asking the guy with the phone company my questions.

"Do you need something Elizabeth?" I asked.

"Kathy said you asked for this list," Elizabeth said setting the list of therapists on my desk.

"Thank you, can you please shut the door on your way out?" I asked.

I turned back to the guy standing there unsure of what he was supposed to be doing.

"I know Niki didn't tell you what phones we want since no one has bothered to show me what phones are available and what features they have, so until I see that you aren't going to be putting any phones in this office or any of my other offices, is that clear?" I asked.

"Ma'am I didn't know a salesman hadn't been here yet. Me and my crew are just the guys that install the lines. All I wanted to know is where to have the lines running for when whatever phones you get can be hooked up. We don't have any phones other than to test the lines to insure they'll work when they're hooked up," the man said.

"I'm sorry, I guess I'm a little touchy. I want the cords long enough to reach anywhere on my desk, but I don't want them where anyone can trip on them if at all possible," I said.

"Yes ma'am that shouldn't be a problem since this desk does have a hidden compartment for both phone and computer lines," the man said.

I stood up and let him have access to the desk, and went into one of the offices on the Pride Center side of the building to start making my calls to schedule an appointment to get into therapy.

I heard Judy talking to Niki and guessed the files I wanted were back and stuck my head out of the office I was in.

"Judy did you get those files for me?" I asked.

"They're sitting on your desk ma'am," Judy said.

"Good I want you and Niki to each take one of those files and start going through them looking for inconsistencies. Anything that might look suspicious, or out of character, anything that might look likely to have influenced a jury but isn't actual evidence," I said.

I finished the call to the fourth therapists office trying to schedule an appointment still with no luck.

I looked at the fifth name and number and started laughing. I called the number listed and rather than trying to schedule an appointment asked to talk directly with the therapist.

"Ma'am unless you have an appointment..." the receptionist started.

"Why don't you tell Tiffany that a high power lawyer is on the line and let her decide if she's going to require me to make an appointment, but keep in mind I can always accept the people coming to me with complaints and file litigation which will open everyone there to investigation and possible jail time," I said.

A moment later Tiffany was on the phone.

"This is Tiffany and if this is for real you'll just have to file your litigation," Tiffany said.

"I was wondering what you might think of taking a new client?" I said.

"Who is... Alex is that you?" Tiffany asked.

"Tiff I really do need to find a therapist and since I see your name on the list of those who are LGBT friendly I was hoping you might either be interested in becoming my therapist or referring me to someone else who could," I said.

"I'm guessing this has something to do with those nightmares you denied having when we were in school?" Tiffany asked.

"Can you help me or not Tiff?" I asked.

"How bad is it Alex? Can it wait a couple weeks or should I see if I can squeeze you in this afternoon?" Tiffany asked.

"How about Monday?" I asked.

"Let me look at my calendar, but I'm sure Monday will be fine. Alex if you need someone to talk to for any reason don't be afraid to call me, you do still have my cell number don't you?" Tiffany asked.

"I think it's on the list here," I read off the various numbers on the list and she said none of them where hers, so gave me her number and said if I ever needed to talk again.

To say I was terrified of the thought of sharing what I had been through with anyone was an understatement. For over twenty years I had lived with it by myself, but I couldn't deal with it any longer so needed to take the chance of sharing it with someone and Tiffany was someone I trusted at least a little.

"Tiffany is there any chance of having dinner before I become a client making it unethical?" I asked.

"I'd like that, I'm free tonight or Sunday," Tiffany said.

I suggested tonight and said I'd make arrangements at a nice restaurant in town, and call back and let her know when and where.

"I take it you know that therapist," Kathy said.

"We were roommates in college. How would you feel about joining us for dinner tonight?" I asked.

"I'd need to talk to Jenny about it, but I don't think it would be a problem," Kathy said.

I smiled and called Marc's cell phone number.

"I'll make the reservations for seven then," I said waiting for Marc to answer.

She smiled and headed back to her office.

"This is Marc, if you'll leave a message I'll get back as soon as possible," Marc's voicemail answered.

"I was calling to see if you would be interested in taking me out to dinner tonight, but... reservations are for six-thirty if you can't make it let me know so I can find someone else," I said and hung up.

The restaurant was more than willing to give me a seven o'clock reservation for six people. I called Tiffany back as soon as I had the reservation made to let her know when and where and she could bring a date if she had one.

"Alex, I can't afford that restaurant," Tiffany said.

"Tiff you just need to dress appropriately and bring a date the meal has already been ordered so I do expect you to show since you promised you would if I made the arrangements," I said.

"As I recall from our college days you had even less money than I did. Are you telling me your legal career is paying well enough to afford the most expensive restaurant in town?" Tiffany asked.

"I haven't practiced law in five years, but I did manage to get a little set aside before I retired," I said.

"If you can afford that restaurant I imagine it was more than a little," Tiffany said.

We talked a little longer her agreeing to meet me at the restaurant. As soon as I hung up with her my phone started ringing.

"I'm sorry the number you are trying to reach is not a working number, if you feel you have reached this message in error please hang up and try again," I answered.

"It was working this morning," Marc said.

"Really? I would have sworn it stopped working a few days ago," I said.

"Why's that?" Marc asked.

"Because this guy that says he's my boyfriend hasn't called me in that long," I replied.

"He must not be much of a boyfriend if he never calls, I'd never neglect someone so special that way," Marc said.

"Really Marc? The last I checked I only have one boyfriend and you're him," I said.

"Maybe you need to check your voicemail a little more often than," Marc said.

"I can't do that while I'm on the phone, so it'll have to wait. Did you get my message?" I asked.

"I did and I already talked to Erica about watching the kids tonight, so everything for me should be set other than getting dressed and waiting for you to get home," Marc said.

"I still have a little work to do before I can leave here, but I should be home in plenty of time to get ready," I said.

I tried to tell him I loved him, but couldn't get the words out and let it go with just a kiss over the phone. I was sure I did still love him, but for now just trying to live was all I could think about.

Niki and Judy both came in after I hung up with Marc, to show me what they found in the files they had.

I started with Judy and as she went through the transcript of the hearing I slowed her down having her point out things she thought were inconsistent, and pointing out why some of the things she thought were wrong weren't wrong and things she thought were alright were wrong or misleading.

Niki seemed to think she did a better job with her file until I started pointing out her mistakes.

They both wanted to know why I said some things were wrong since they did connect to the case or at least appeared to connect.

"Did either of you read the booking reports first? Did you read the statements made by the accused before the trials started? I want each of you to take another file and this time be a little more aware of the whole case not just the trial and the verdict. I can tell you now all of these men are sitting in prison for the crimes listed in the file, but as I showed you with these two files maybe they shouldn't be, maybe their attorneys didn't do their job as well as they should have," I said.

"Are you planning on filing appeals for them?" Niki asked.

"That's up to them. I intend to go out and talk to them and I would love having you with when I do, but if they don't want to file an appeal I won't file for them. So far all the files I have are non-capital crime cases so the inmates are serving short terms and may get out before we can get an appeal," I said.

Each of them took another file and headed back to the offices they were using.

I started going through the files that remained on my desk, finding few of them worth trying to file an appeal unless there was something more, like a witness or multiple witnesses that weren't mentioned anywhere in the files. To even consider that the people represented in those files shouldn't be in prison would mean digging a lot deeper than the files I had and without some kind of compensation for the work I didn't see anyway of being able to change things.

Niki was back in my office holding the new file she had taken looking at me like I had lost my mind.

"Is there a problem?" I asked.

"This guy sounds like an animal. I can't believe you'd even consider trying to help him get out," Niki said.

I looked at the name on the file and smiled. There were things I knew about that case I also knew weren't in the file.

"Niki I want you to look deeper and see if perhaps you can prove or disprove everything in that file. Keep in mind that as counsel for someone doesn't necessarily mean they are innocent of the crime, but perhaps the real crime isn't what is readily visible and it is our job to prove the truth beyond a doubt, any time there is doubt there should not be incarceration as punishment. I think you'll find the crime committed there is a one time crime that has mitigating circumstances beyond what is readily visible, also those mitigating circumstances can either be damning or liberating and should be shown either way, in that case the mitigating circumstances are totally miss represented and all there was for the jury to make their decision, kind of like what sent me to prison, no real evidence only he said she said evidence," I said.

"You like this person?" Niki asked.

"Whether you like a person or not, doesn't matter when your representing them. As lawyers it is our job to get to the truth so our client is tried on fact not conjecture. Everyone has the right to counsel. Most of the people in these files had court appointed attorneys who were so over loaded they couldn't build an adequate defense for their clients. There are likely some in that stack who won't want us to file an appeal for them and there are likely some I wouldn't file for regardless. What I'm looking for are those who either I know where sent to prison falsely or who their counsel failed to offer an adequate defense," I said.

Niki gave me a look of hate I found comical. And when I started laughing she stuck her tongue out at me.

"Niki it's time to call it a day. I would like you and Judy to be here on time Monday and start back in on these files, looking for anything that might show the verdict wrong. I'm not saying all the verdicts in this stack are wrong, but I want you and Judy to find what there is so you can understand why I'll seek to talk to the individuals about filing an appeal for them," I said.

"Is this how you learned to become a lawyer?" Niki asked.

I started laughing.

"I didn't have anyone willing to take me on as a para-legal and give me things to do that would help in my studies. I went to the courthouse on my own looking for cases to do research on to prove either the verdict was wrong or right. Remember I also held down a job and took martial arts classes at the same time. While I do want you to do the research on these files you can't take the files out of the office, is that understood?" I asked.

She gave me a dirty look since she didn't know how she could keep up with her school and do all the work I was asking too, and trying to have a social life as well seemed out of the question given all the work.

I picked up the file on Snake and Niki gave me a dirty look.

"This isn't one of the files Judy picked up for me," I said.

Niki didn't say anything just turned and headed back to the office her and Judy shared. A few minutes later I saw both of them headed for the door talking about the work they were going to be doing as my para-legals.

"Is she always like that?" Judy asked.

"She won't take it easy on us, but she is fair and will almost always be willing to explain if we don't understand," Niki said.

"I think I learned more today than in the two years of law school I've already been through," Judy said as they stepped through the door cutting off their conversation.

Kathy stood there watching them leave and started shaking her head.

"I'm not sure either of them were ready for what they've signed on for as para-legals for you," Kathy said.

"If they want to be lawyers they should want to be the best possible. While what they teach in school is good it doesn't prepare them for what they'll face in the real world, this will I hope," I said.

Kathy smiled.

"Seven o'clock?" Kathy asked.

"Yes, but if you can be there a little early it would be better," I said.

## Chapter 22

Marc was already dressed and ready when I got home, and I just rolled my eyes as I walked past him to get to the bedroom so I could get cleaned up and ready to go myself.

A nice hot bath sounded wonderful, but I didn't have time if I hoped to be on time for dinner and since the reservations were in my name it was important I be there on time.

Marc laid a dress out for me and after getting out of the shower and seeing what dress, I hung it back in the closet and picked out one a little more formal that had matching shoes.

I laid the dress on the bed and sat at the makeup table to get my makeup on.

"If we don't get going we'll me late," Marc said through the door.

"Then we'll just have to be late," I said, finishing my makeup and starting on my hair.

I finished my hair and slid the dress on struggling to reach the zipper that was only done up half way.

Marc stuck his head in and started laughing.

"If your going to laugh at me I'll leave you here and invite Niki," I said.

Marc came over and pulled my zipper up the rest of the way fighting a losing battle about not laughing. He tried to turn me around and give me a kiss and I pulled away telling him I didn't put my makeup on so he could come in here and ruin it withing ten minutes of me finishing.

He gave me a hurt look and I relented allowing a peck since I was still upset about his laughing at me trying to get the zipper up, as well as having picked out the wrong dress for an evening like this.

"I take it we're now ready to go?" Marc asked.

"As soon as I talk to the kids. Is Erica coming over here or are we going to have to go over there for me to see the kids?" I asked.

"She will bring them over here after they have dinner," Marc said.

"Then I guess we need to stop by there on the way so I can see the kids," I said.

He gave me a dirty look, but was smart enough not to argue.

At Erica's we weren't even out of the car when the kids came running up. Even though I was mad at Marc I still waited for him to come around the car to open my door for me, but the kids had my door open before he could even get out of the car.

"So did you all behave for Aunt Erica?" I asked turning to get out of the car.

Erica came up behind the kids and smiled. "They were little angels," Erica said.

"Little angels huh? You sure it wasn't more like little demons?" I asked.

"They might have let their halos slip a time or two but..." Erica started drawing a frown from both Lindsey and Angela.

"Can you let me talk to Erica for a minute before I spend a little time with you?" I asked.

The kids went over and bothered Marc giving me a chance to talk to Erica uninterrupted.

"Any word on their parents yet?" I asked.

Erica looked ready to cry and I knew these kids parents were the human remains found inside the car.

I gave Erica a hug and walked over where Marc and the kids were talking. The look in Marc's eyes told me he knew the news as well and was feeling the loss as deeply as Erica.

I encouraged Marc to give Erica whatever support he could while I talked with the children.

"You kids understand Aunt Erica will be watching you tonight?" I asked.

"Are you going to be our mom now?" Angela asked.

"I don't know sweetheart, but I promise I'll never let anything else bad happen to you," I said.

Lindsey gave me a hurt look, but didn't say anything. I pulled her over against me and told her I loved her and if she ever needed anything she could always call.

I felt her heave and knew she was crying. She was trying to be strong for her sister and brother, but she was still just a little girl.

"It's alright Lindsey, you don't need to be strong. I'm here," I said. Feeling her heave another sign telling just how deep the hurt was.

I looked at Marc and knew I couldn't leave these kids for the night. They needed me as much as I needed them. They were now my reason to be strong and for them I would be.

I went over closer to Marc and told him I couldn't leave the kids, that as much as they needed me, I needed them and for completely different reasons.

"What about dinner?" Marc asked.

"We can take them with," I said.

"I thought you said our reservations are for six-thirty," Marc said.

"That's just what time I told you. Our reservations are actually for seven and regardless of what time we get there we'll have a table since the owner keeps one reserved just for me. Something about saving him a bundle on a contract," I said.

I told Erica we were going to take the kids with to our dinner, and she gave me a look that said she was glad, but would have loved having them there.

I called Kathy and let her know I was running a little late, but would be there as soon as I could. I explained when she got to the restaurant all she needed to do is let them know the reservations were in my name and I was running a little late. I also told her I was expecting Tiffany and to please make her feel welcome since she was a friend from college.

I helped the kids get in the car and buckled and Marc headed back to the house so the kids could get changed for dinner.

It took a half hour to get Angela and little Marc ready to go and Lindsey was able to dress herself, but wanted to wear a little makeup if I didn't mind.

I looked at her a smile growing and told her a lady never wore much makeup, but a little if done properly would help men keep their eyes were they belonged.

I helped her with a little eye shadow and mascara. I told her that was enough makeup for tonight and since she was getting older I would help her learn to use makeup properly, but the first time I saw it caked on for some boy, would be the last time that boy would ever be allowed to visit her.

I called Kathy to let her know we were on our way and would be there in about twenty minutes. Kathy seemed to be having a great time and I heard Tiffany's voice in the back ground.

"There's no rush Alex, Tiffany and I are catching up on old times," Kathy said.

Kathy knew Tiffany? They were old friends? Did I know Tiffany before we were roommates in college?

Marc must have noticed my confused look, but didn't say anything, just kept on toward the restaurant. I said good bye to Kathy and sat there trying to remember if I knew Tiffany from before college, but nothing came to mind.

Marc pulled in the parking lot not realizing it was valet parking, I started laughing when he tried to tell them he only stopped long enough to let the kids and I out then he'd park the car.

"Dear it's valet parking just let them park the car while we go in and eat, I promise they'll treat it like it's worth more than it is," I said.

At the door to the restaurant we were greeted by the owner.

"Miss DeMay it is such a pleasure having you here tonight. I was wondering if you were ever going to accept my offer," the owner said.

"Tonight is a special night Mr Winters, I guess in a way I'm becoming a mother tonight. I'd like you to meet my fiancée, Marc, and the children we will likely be adopting after we're married, Lindsey, Angela and little Marc," I said.

"They are beautiful children and I can see they love you very much, but who doesn't love you, you are so kind and generous," Mr Winters said.

"Thank you Mr Winters they are very special, and while we are celebrating we are also morning. The children's parents were killed in a car accident yesterday which is why my fiancée and I have them now," I said.

"I am happy you are able to help and sad for the loss. Miss Alex there are two other couples here that say they are waiting for you, I am guessing one is your sister since she looks very much like you. It will take us a few minutes to get a table ready for you, since we did not expect so many in your party," Mr Winters said.

"When I called to make the reservations it was going to be just six of us, but after getting conformation of the children's parents deaths I didn't like leaving them," I said.

We joined Kathy, Jenny, Tiffany and her date in the lounge where Marc and I both ordered a drink, and a soda for the children.

"I thought you said the reservations were for seven," Tiffany said.

"Something came up at the last minute, or we would have been here on time. Don't worry the owner is an old client of mine and will see we still get to eat," I said.

"You did make it big as a lawyer didn't you?" Tiffany asked.

"I was limited to the kind of law I could practice back then, and since I had enough I didn't need to worry I retired. Now I'm opening my own law firm where I can take whatever kind of case I find interesting," I said.

"So you aren't specializing in just one kind of law?" Tiffany asked.

"For now I'm doing a lot of pro-bono work, though I'm willing to take on some of my old clients since the retainer fees will enable me to help others who can't afford the kind of legal defense that will help them," I said.

"Let me guess this is kind of like what you did back in school when you spent so much time at the courthouse?" Tiffany asked.

"Yes, and no. Since I'm now a licensed attorney I can get copies of the court records, back when we were in school I couldn't," I said.

"So what kind of cases do you have now?" Tiffany asked.

"Right now I have one divorce case, and a construction company that wants to have me on retainer. This morning I went into the courthouse and asked for copies of some of the people in prison I know and am looking to see if there are reasons to file appeals. Before I can file those appeals however I do need to talk to the people and make sure they want me to open their case back up and explain what can happen if I do file those appeals," I said.

Tiffany and her date both laughed.

"Is it too much for me to asked just how much you have in the bank?" Tiffany's date asked.

"Enough, I'm afraid that's the best answer I can give since I really don't know. I'm sure Kathy has a better clue than I do since she took over my finances when it got to be more than I knew how to deal with," I said.

"Alex over the last week has been going through her money like water, but if she can get a few retainers she shouldn't be hurt to bad, I know she has more than enough to pay for tonight without much problem," Kathy said.

"I'm not going through money as fast now as we did when we set up the Pride Center," I protested.

Kathy started laughing and conceded the point, since it was when we were setting up the Pride Center she took over my finances as well as the finances of the Center.

"All I can say is you seem to have done well for yourself. You sure aren't the same kid I remember from college who stretched herself beyond what the rest of us thought of as human limits. Between your studies, your job and your martial arts, none of us could figure out how you could find the time," Tiffany said.

"Looking back it does seem I never had much time to socialize, but then again socializing never really seemed all that important to me," I said.

"Do you still keep up on your martial arts?" Tiffany asked.

"I do my best," I said.

"She does more than her best," Marc piped in. "I've never seen anyone as capable as she is."

I slapped at Marc, blushing a little laughing.

Mr Winters came out saying he now had a table for us taking us around what appeared to be several other groups who had been there longer. The stares we got as we departed the lounge for our table said many of the people from the other groups were wondering who we were to be awarded such special service.

On the way to our table I spotted someone I hoped never to see again.

"Excuse me Mr Winters can you tell me the name of that man?" I said pointing at the man responsible for so many nightmares.

"I believe his name is Aaron Collins, but if you would like I can find out." Mr Winters offered.

"Are you sure his last name is Collins?" I asked.

"Of that I am sure," Mr Winters said.

"Mr Winters I was wondering if you might have somewhere private I could talk to Mr Collins, somewhere others won't hear what we have to say?" I asked.

Once we were all seated he offered to show me to a private room and he would let Mr Collins know to meet me as soon as possible.

I stepped in the room and sat opposite the door so anyone coming through the door would be visible. While I waited I set out a few of my stars on the table and started rolling one on edge between my fingers and the table. When Mr Collins stepped in the room I didn't move or even look up.

"You might as well take a seat," I said still not looking up.

"Do I know you young lady?" Mr Collins asked, still not taking a seat.

The door closed and I finally looked up.

"I doubt you would remember me, but unfortunately I'll never forget you. Now you can either take a seat or I'll have the police down here in less that five minutes with an arrest warrant to take you in for rape and child abuse," I said.

"Who do you think you are? Do you have any idea who I am?" Mr Collins said trying to get a level of fear from me like the fear he elicited so many years ago.

"Mr Collins, you can either sit down now, and put away your holier than thou attitude, or I will have you arrested, and promise that it will be a very long time before you'll ever see the world without either chain link, or bars to look through. Since it is obvious you don't remember me, my name is Alexandra DeMay, but then you might remember me better by the name Karen DeMay," I said.

He turned white sinking into the chair opposite me.

"I see you do remember me now, or at least the name you and so many others called me back when I was a child. I'm willing to make you an offer Mr Collins, an offer I've made to two others who were involved back then," I said.

"And what might that be Miss DeMay?" Mr Collins asked.

"You have until noon Monday to turn yourself in to the police and tell them everyone you know who was involved, or at twelve-o-one there will be an arrest warrant issued against you. You cooperate and I'm sure the DA and judge will take that into consideration at your sentencing hearing. If however you don't I will see to it instead of facing time in the state prison you end up in the worst federal prison there is," I said.

"Either way I end up in prison?" Mr Collins asked.

"The state prison I can help insure you'll be safe and treated well. The federal prison you'll be doing very hard time." I said.

"That isn't much of a choice?" Mr Collins said.

"It's a damn site better than the choice you and those other men gave my sister Jessica and I," I said.

He stood up and reached for the door. As his hand touched the nob one of my stars hit just above his hand.

"Mr Collins I'm willing to take your word about you turning yourself in if you give me your word right now. If however you walk out that door without giving your word I will have the police here inside five minutes to arrest you," I said.

He turned back to me the fear deep in his eyes.

"I can't make that promise Miss DeMay. You have no idea what it would do to me," Mr Collins said.

"Would it leave you with the mind of a child? Would it haunt your every waking and sleeping hour? Your right that I have no idea what it would do to you, but I really don't give a damn either, because you don't have to live with the nightmares of being raped repeatedly by men who claimed to be upstanding citizens and follow a religion that said women should be chaste while at the same time raping and abusing little girls and boys because you couldn't control your lusts. So you go ahead and walk out that door without giving me that promise and you won't make it out of this restaurant a free man," I said.

"Unless the police are already here..." Mr Collins started.

"My fiancée is a special investigator for the FBI, he's the one leading the investigation into what happened, and is still happening, in your precious church, and he does happen to be here," I said.

"What is there to insure I keep my promise if I do give it?" Mr Collins asked.

"Your reputation. You can be sure everyone I'm here with will know what kind of person you are, and if you don't keep it, or try running the news media will be informed as well. If you're hoping you can stop me think about that little star sitting just over your hand. My oldest brother thought he could intimidate me, he learned a very hard lesson and paid a very steep price for his error. When he knew he couldn't win he tried to kill me and since he missed with his first shot he didn't get another. That little star is sharper than most razors and I don't miss when I let them fly," I said.

"You killed your own brother?" Mr Collins asked.

"Like I said he shot at me first. I had six police officers standing right there watching, along with my fiancée," I said.

"So why are you giving me this chance?" Mr Collins asked.

"Because I believe in humanity, and while you have shown you don't have any, you and the others, were never able to take mine away from me. Just because you're an animal doesn't mean I have to be," I said.

I stood and walked around the small table pulling my star from the door frame and asking if I had his promise.

"Before noon on Monday?" Mr Collins asked.

I stood there and he said he would turn himself in. I opened the door and walked casually back to my table tucking my stars out of sight.

"Do I want to know what that was all about?" Marc asked watching me closely.

"I'll tell you later, for now let's enjoy a wonderful meal with friends and family," I said.

The evening went smoothly while we were at the restaurant and even most of the way home. About a mile from the house the car started acting up and I pulled my cell phone and called Erica asking her to meet us because I was sure our car wasn't going to make it all the way.

When we came within sight of the driveway we saw a couple cars parked across the driveway blocking the entrance. Marc wanted me to stay with the kids and let him deal with whatever the problem might be.

He pulled on the shoulder and the engine died. He got out and started walking toward the house while I gathered the kids and headed out in the field angling toward the house.

I saw a car coming down the road and saw it stop where Marc was and then leave turning around going back toward Erica's house.

"Lindsey can you find the house from here?" I asked.

"It shouldn't be hard since we can see it," Lindsey said.

"I don't want you going up to the house but instead go to the barn and stay close to the horses, can you do that? Do you think you can take Angela and little Marc with you so I can help Uncle John?" I asked.

She said she could and I watched them head off, then turned and started cutting cross field toward the people blocking our driveway hoping to get there about the same time as Marc.

When I got close enough to hear, Marc was just reaching the driveway.

"You people can't block this driveway," Marc said.

"I guess your going to stop us," someone said.

I let one of my stars fly cutting the guy who spoke across the thigh and burying it in the fence post.

"I believe that was a warning, and I'm fairly certain the next one will cause more than a scratch," Marc said.

"What the fuck was that?" one man yelled.

"Where'd it come from?" another shouted.

"Mr Collins if this is how you keep your promises, perhaps I can remedy your situation. Anyone who thinks to move one of those cars before the police get here will find themselves in the hospital with a very deep laceration. Just so I know you won't make it far, you'll find each car has two flat tires," I said.

"You're the one who threatened my dad aren't you?" someone asked in a shout.

"I made no threats to anyone. If your father is Mr Collins I did make him a promise, and did toss one of my stars in his direction, when he thought he could just walk away thinking I wasn't capable of carrying out my promises. If you're the one leading these boys here, you should know your chance to just walk away vanished when you threatened my fiancée. The police are on their way here now and these cars will all be towed and you kids arrested," I said.

Each of the kids in the group looked around nervously wondering if there was any chance of getting away before I could throw another star.

"We haven't done anything wrong," the boy that said Mr Collins was his father said.

"I'd be willing to bet that when the mechanical problems with our car are examined there'll be evidence saying otherwise, then there's the fact that your cars are parked across the entrance to our driveway. Would you care to try again?" I asked coming out of the shadows.

"Come on guys it's just one woman and this guy," the Collins kid said.

"Your right for now it is just us, but again the police are on their way, and you have no idea what either of us are capable of. Maybe you should talk to your father about what I'm capable of he found out tonight," I said.

Each of the boys paled at what they heard said about me.

"Yea, he said you murdered your own brother," Mr Collins son said.

"If I could kill my own brother what makes you think your special? The thing is I don't have a gun, but my fiancée does. He does hate using it, but I have no doubt he has in the past," I said looking at Marc and seeing him nodding he had used it in the past.

"If you don't have a gun how did you kill your brother?" one of the other boys asked.

"It wasn't hard. First he was in the process of being arrested and managed to get an officers gun and take a shot at me. His shot went wide, but unlike him I never miss my target. While I may not have or even like guns I am anything but slow or inaccurate when throwing my little stars and everyone of them are at least razor sharp and most are even sharper," I said.

"You threw that thing what cut Ben's leg?" another one of the boys asked.

I indicated the fence post the star was still in and like I had done with Marc stacked one on top and another on bottom of the one already there.

Each of the boys eyes got bigger when they realized the difficulty of doing what I just did.

"You never miss?" one of the boys asked.

"Not since I gained my master level and have been able to have them as sharp as I want without my sensei getting angry with me and taking them away," I said.

"So let's take a look at what all you kids brought with you, shall we." I walked over to one of the cars and stood there waiting for whoever had the keys to open it.

"No? You have something to hide here?" I asked.

One of the boys came over and opened the trunk stepping back.

"I'm guessing this is your car?" I asked.

"Yes ma'am," the boy said.

"You don't mind me looking at what you have in here do you?" I asked.

"I'd rather you didn't," the boy said, but didn't move to try stopping me.

I started moving things around and came across something I was sure he didn't want his friends to know about. I motioned him over to the car so I could ask about the find more privately.

"I'm guessing you don't want your friends knowing about this," I said moving things around a little.

"I'd rather they didn't know," the boy said.

"Do you like how you feel better when you dress that way?" I asked

"No one understands," the boy said.

I smiled and didn't say anything more. What was I supposed to say? I walked over to the other car and looked at the rest of those gathered.

I stood there and Mr Collins son came over and opened the trunk, but didn't step away.

"You have something you don't want me to know about in there?" I asked.

"Please these guys won't understand, and I'd hate for my dad to find out," he said.

I raised the trunk lid a little and pushed it closed.

"Alright boys it's time to play a little game," I said. "Any of you not wearing girl panties can drop your pants and step out of them."

I stood there waiting for them to undo their pants, when none of them moved I started laughing.

"I guess I'm to assume your all wearing girl panties then?" I asked.

I indicated I wanted Mr Collins son to open the trunk of his car again, and walked back over to the other car checking to make sure the trunk was still open.

I reached inside and pulled out a dress that looked to small for Lindsey and held it up.

"Which of you does this dress belong to?" I asked.

I waited and no one said anything, none of them even moved.

"Come now, surely one of you girls would love wearing a dress like this," I said holding the dress even higher.

The boy who owned the car came up and took the dress.

"I do expect you to put it on along with the other things you have in here to go with it," I said.

He nodded and reached in taking a pair of boots and wig then stepped back turning to find somewhere no one would be able to see him change.

I walked back to Mr Collins sons car and did much the same holding up a dress that was every bit as small as the first and looking around at the remaining boys to see which of them would claim the dress.

Mr Collins son reached in the trunk and took a pair of heels and a wig and stepped back turning to follow the first boy.

I reached in and found another dress and held it up looking around to see if any of the remaining boys were willing to step forward and take it.

None of them moved so I told them either they could step forward and take the dress or they could strip off their pants and shoes. They were either going to be dressed like girls or not wearing pants when the police got there.

One of the boys stepped forward and took the dress. I reached in and picked out a pair of shoes that looked like they would go well with the dress and a wig, handing it all to the boy. He turned and followed the first two boys and I walked back to the other car and repeated the process.

Each of the boys had taken one of the dresses along with shoes and wigs, then headed where they thought they might be able to have a little privacy to change.

The first two boys returned and I smiled since the dresses looked bigger with them wearing them than they had with me holding them up.

"If you have makeup feel free to use it if you'd like," I said.

"You aren't going to make fun of us?" Mr Collins son asked.

"Is this who you feel you are?" I asked.

"My sister used to dress me up like a little girl. One day my dad caught us and got really mad. He said if he ever saw me dressed like a girl again he was going to whip me with a belt. My sister tried to dress me again telling me how pretty I was. I really liked when I could dress in her clothes and be a mommy, but I was afraid because I didn't want to get beat with dads belt again. One night I did something my older brothers did all the time, and dad got mad and started hitting me with his belt. I couldn't understand what I had done since I saw both of my brothers do the same thing and even saw dad laugh when they did."

"A couple days later my sister wanted me to play house with her again and I thought about the beating dad gave me and since I didn't understand why I figured at least by being a girl I would know why he beat me, so I told her only if I could be a mommy too."

"That night dad saw me dressed in my sisters clothes again, but didn't say or do anything. Since my sister and I knew dad had seen me and he didn't say anything we started playing house every day. She would always let me wear her prettiest dresses, and always told me how pretty I was," Mr Collins son said.

"That's a nice story, but it didn't answer my question. Is this who you feel you should be?" I asked.

He nodded that it was and when I went to give him a hug he jerked as though afraid I was going to hit him.

"You don't have anything to worry about from me sweetheart. I know what it means to feel your in the wrong body," I said.

I gave him a hug and asked the next boy the same question, getting much the same response. The story was different, but the fear was always there. I found a pair of breast forms in the trunk of each car and handed them to the boys whose cars they were asking them to please put them on.

The other boys took longer to come back but one by one they did. Each looking like a boy wearing a dress rather than a girl out to have fun.

I didn't bother asking any of them the questions since it was obvious they all looked very uncomfortable dressed as they were.

"I have to ask you boys a few questions," I said, waiting so I knew they were all paying attention.

"What do you think of males who believe themselves to be women?" I asked.

"I think their sick," one of the boys said.

"Why? What makes you think their sick? You feel your male inside and out don't you? Maybe that makes you sick. Who told you your male? That your only male? Suppose you had a female body, but still knew you were supposed to be male. Right now you are each wearing female clothing so maybe your not male after all. Did I force any of you to change? Did I hand each of you the dress your wearing and tell you that unless you put that dress on I would force you, maybe even cut your balls off if you didn't put the dress on?" I asked.

"You implied..." another boy said.

"I implied? I see, so if I said you had to have sex with each other you'd do it? I'm not buying this, I implied excuse. Thus far only one of you have even a scratch from me. Yes I showed that with my stars I'm dangerous, but I never threatened any of you with bodily harm if you didn't put on those dresses. In fact as I recall the only thing I did say was you wouldn't be wearing your pants when the police got here and now none of you are," I said.

They all looked at each other trying to find something I said that left them little choice but putting on the dresses they were wearing.

None of them reached to remove the dress they were wearing. It was as though wearing a dress was better than standing there in just underwear.

I couldn't understand that kind of reasoning. For me I always felt I was female inside and right now all I wanted was to be female outside as well as inside. Two of these kids felt much the same way, but were terrified of what might happen if they let anyone else know.

"I'm curious about what your going to tell the police when they get here, what names you'll give," I said.

"I'll tell them the truth," Mr Collins son said.

"And what is the truth?" I asked.

"I..." he started and fell silent.

"Is it the truth, or what everyone else thinks is the truth? This isn't a trick question. For me the truth is I'm Alexandra Kate DeMay, for my fiancée it's Johnathan Marcus Adleson, so what truth will you tell them?" I asked.

"My truth. I'll tell them the truth I've kept hidden from everybody. I'll tell them my name is Chelsea Jane Collins," Chelsea finally said.

"I'll do the same. I'll tell them my name is Andrea Colleen Phillips," Andrea said stepping over next to Chelsea and putting her arm around her.

The others all looked at them and turned away as though the very sight of them was beyond belief. It was like they said the two young ladies standing there holding each other were less than human.

"I see since Chelsea and Andrea are willing to share a secret they've kept hidden from everyone out of fear, the rest of you are going to prove their fear correct. I'm wondering if you feel the same kind of disgust when you look at me. I know my fiancée loves and cares about me, he's proven it more times than I can count." I turned to Marc. "I'm sorry for how I've behaved lately, forgive me?" I asked.

"You're always forgiven Alex. That's what love is," Marc said.

"Wait a minute," one of the boys said. "Are you saying you're like them?" the boy asked, pointing at Chelsea and Andrea.

"You tell me. You've all made yourselves the judge, jury and executioners of what is and isn't a man or woman. If you don't know which I am, why should I tell you?" I asked.

"Your saying their still the same people we've known? That nothing has changed? You don't understand everything has changed," one of the boys said.

"What's changed other than you now know a secret you didn't know a little while ago? Yes, they look a little different but so do you. The fact they're female where no one can see but them, doesn't change who they are if they let everyone see what they do every time they look in a mirror. I have no doubt they would both love to have all of you for friends still, though now that you know their secret I'm sure they would hope you would treat them as the women they've aways been," I said.

"Ma'am you said you made my dad a promise, can I ask what that promise was?" Chelsea asked.

"Sure. I promised him that if he was willing to turn himself in to the police and cooperate giving the names of everyone else involved he knew the names of, I'd do everything I can to see he ends up in the state prison rather than the federal prison. That if he does cooperate I could help make his prison time easier and safer, if he doesn't he will face federal charges which mean a federal prison and those convicted of the kind of crimes he participated in don't get the country club federal prisons," I said.

"What did he do?" Chelsea asked.

"He abused and raped children as young as eight years old," I said.

All the boys looked at me in disbelief. Chelsea's father was someone they all looked up to. He was an icon of virtue in their eyes.

"No. I can't believe that, I... how do you know?" Chelsea asked.

"Because I was one of the victims. I never said anything before because I didn't know who I could trust. I don't know the names of most of those men involved, but I will never forget their faces, their smell, their lust. Most of them probably don't remember me, but I see everyone of their faces every night in my dreams, every time I remember those years that it went on. All I want is justice, for those men to pay for the choices they made to treat women and children like sex toys for their pleasure," I said.

"He said you told him you killed someone," Chelsea said.

"It's true, I did kill someone. I killed my oldest brother David DeMay. When I got back from college he left me and my sisters alone, until he found some people like himself, together they plotted to murder one person and get me locked up in prison without hope of ever getting out. The problem was they didn't count on your church not being able to protect them and as you can see I'm not in prison and my criminal record has been cleared since the supposed crime that sent me to prison never happened."

"A few weeks ago my brother was determined he was going to show me he could do pretty much whatever he wanted and kidnapped mine and Marc's youngest sisters and tied them to beds in our house. Between Marc and I we disabled three men before the police arrived leaving my brother the only one not wounded. When the police tried arresting my brother for breaking and entering, kidnapping and a few other charges he fought with the officers and got one of their guns and took a shot at me. He didn't get a second shot because while he was trying to cock the gun and aim I released one of my stars hitting him in the neck severing his carotid artery and windpipe. He drowned in his own blood," I said.

"You know martial arts, don't you?" Andrea asked.

"I have a fair understanding of them, yes," I said.

Marc started laughing and I asked him if he ever wanted to get out of the doghouse. He laughed even harder.

"Gentlemen as you can hear the police are getting closer. If you'll help move these cars so they aren't blocking our driveway I think we can let them know this has been a simple misunderstanding, if however you try starting the cars to move them I will make sure the tires are flat," I said.

"What are we supposed to tell the police about how we're dressed?" one of the boys asked.

"I don't know what you should tell them. I imagine you could tell them a couple of your friends came out as transgender and you decided to show your support for them by dressing up in clothes not considered to be male," I said.

"But I don't support that kind of thing," one of the boys said.

"I was just giving a suggestion. What you each tell them is your choice," I said.

The girls got behind the steering wheel of their cars and a group of boys started pushing each car so they no longer blocked the driveway entrance just as the first police car pulled up. I headed toward the house to get the kids and the pickup so Marc and I could tow our car off the side of the road and up to the house.

I went in the barn and Lindsey popped her head out of my practice room.

"Mom, is everything ok?" Lindsey asked.

"Everything is going to be fine sweetheart. Why don't you all come in the house Marc and I still need to get the car towed in off the road, but otherwise there shouldn't be any more problems," I said.

## Chapter 23

When I got back out to the end of the driveway another police car had arrived and Marc was leaning against the fence doing his best not to laugh.

"What's so funny?" I asked Marc when I reached him and leaned on the fence.

"It seems someone took all the clothes these boys were wearing, and listening to them trying to explain why they're all wearing dresses is rather comical," Marc said.

I looked over at Chelsea and Andrea, and smiled.

"I brought the truck out so we can get the car towed in the yard until we can get a tow truck to take it in to be fixed," I said.

I listened to the boys trying to explain their dress and smiled at the thought of them finally understanding what their words earlier meant to Chelsea and Andrea. The one who voiced the loudest objection was the one giving the strongest defense now.

While a couple of the police officers continued talking with the boys another officer came over and started asking Marc and I questions.

"These boys say they were blocking your drive because of some threat you made to someone Miss DeMay, would you mind telling us what that's all about?" the officer asked.

"It was a misunderstanding officer. It seems the father of one of those kids said I threatened him, when what I did was offer him the remainder of the weekend and the chance of holding on to some of his self respect. I guess I can be a little intimidating at times, something that comes from standing in front of a court trying to make a point," I said.

"You're a lawyer I take it?" the officer asked.

"One of the best in the country, according to everything I've heard," Marc said.

"And you sir, is there anything you can add?" the officer asked.

"Not really, I do know if it weren't for Alex's ability to reason this could have been a very ugly situation, but I see no reason to cause these kids anymore embarrassment than they've already faced just trying to explain the way they're dressed. Officer they are good kids from what I can tell," Marc said.

"Can I ask what you want us to do? If you aren't going to file any charges there really isn't much we can do," the officer said.

"Is there any chance of seeing the boys get home? There are two of them I would love to have stay for a while so I can talk to them, but they're the ones driving the cars, so will be able to get themselves home after we finish talking," I said.

"Officer is there any chance of a couple of the boys staying as well? I could really use the help getting my car off the road," Marc said.

"I'm sure that can be arranged, I'll let the other officers know and see the boys get home. One more thing though. You don't know what happened to the boys clothes?" the officer asked.

"I'm sure I can find out if the boys feel they really need to change," I said.

"I'm sure they would like having their clothes back regardless of whether they change," the officer said.

I asked Chelsea and Andrea if they knew what happened to everyones clothes and got a blank stare for the trouble.

"Girls if you did something with them you need to tell me, I'm not saying I disagree that letting them go home dressed as they are would be wrong after the things they said, but to force it simply because of how hurt you might feel isn't the way to gain respect," I said.

"Ma'am we didn't do anything with the clothes we were all wearing," Andrea said.

"But you know who did. I'm not angry, but it's time to allow everyone to dress however they feel most comfortable," I said.

"From what Carl said I'm not sure that's possible now ma'am," Chelsea said.

"Which one of your friends is Carl?" I asked.

Talking to Carl when the girls pointed him out, the police officer and I found out it wouldn't be possible for any of the boys to change back into what they had been wearing because he and Jimmy another one of the boys destroyed them, essentially turning them into rags.

The police officer and I approached each of the boys and I offered to buy them each a new pair of jeans and tee shirt, since that was what each of them had been wearing. Their shoes were still wearable so I didn't feel obligated to pay for new shoes for them.

I gave each of the boys a one hundred dollar bill and the police took them home or wherever it was they needed to go.

The girls stayed with their cars since I wanted to talk to them, and two of the boys stayed because they wanted to talk to the girls. They offered to help Marc get the car off the road and up to the house and the girls offered to give me a ride back to the house.

At the house I checked on the kids and took both girls out to my practice room in the barn.

"This place doesn't look like it's part of the barn any longer," Chelsea said.

I sat at my bench and took out one of my stars and started working on improving the cutting edge. Andrea looked at it and gasped.

"That looks like a butterfly," Andrea said.

I didn't say anything just ran the file along the edge.

"I've never seen anything like those before, aren't they supposed to have points or something?" Chelsea asked.

"Most throwing stars do have points, but these stars aren't available to the public, I designed them myself," I said.

"You really do know karate?" Andrea asked.

"I have a black belt in two different forms," I said.

"The way your boyfriend was acting you know more than he does about martial arts," Chelsea said.

"He knows four kinds of martial arts, but I don't think he is consider a master in any of them, both kinds I know I have become a master in since I have achieved the highest black belts in both, so maybe I do know more than him, but I learned them so I could try finding balance in my life. I don't fight if I don't have to," I said.

"We didn't have much of a chance tonight did we?" Andrea asked.

"You always have a chance. If you had chosen to fight your chances weren't good with either of us alone, and together we're even more dangerous," I said.

"You know if we go home dressed like we are now our parents will have a fit," Chelsea said.

"What you do is up to you, from what I understand though Carl and Jimmy destroyed all the boy clothes you were all wearing when you got here. If you want I can do like I did with the others and give you enough to get a new pair of jeans and a shirt, but I was hoping maybe you would be willing to finally be yourselves. I didn't start showing the world at large the real me until I went to college, since then I've never been anyone but me, and I'm even more a girly girl than my twin sister is," I said.

"So you are like us?" Chelsea asked,

"If you mean am I transgender? The answer is yes, I am. My father caught me playing house with my sisters all of us dressed in dresses. The first time he caught me he beat me with a belt telling me I was a boy and I better start dressing and acting like a boy. About a month later I was again playing house with my sisters and again dressed in one of their dresses. Dad walked in, but didn't say or do anything, just walked back out. A couple days later he took me to a mens meeting at the church, I was eight years old. When we got to the church he handed me a sack and pushed me in the girls restroom telling me to change into the clothes in the sack. When I opened the sack I was excited, I thought dad was finally willing to let me be the girl I always knew I was."

"When he came back I was just finishing putting on the shoes not thinking anything about how high the heels were. I was stumbling trying to keep up with him to the room the meeting was in. Once we were in the room for the meeting dad introduced me as Karen his daughter. All the men told me how cute I was and they were happy to meet me. That was the extent of what I knew of those meetings for the next couple of meetings. Then everything changed. The men started wanting to kiss me and have me touch them, they even started touching me, and telling me to do things I knew were wrong, but also knew if I didn't do them they would hurt me. Each week got worse with the touching and kissing until one week they stripped me of the panties I was wearing and started doing things that hurt, they put things inside me telling me to relax, to enjoy the pleasures they thought I should have. They all knew I didn't have a female body, but that didn't matter as long as I did what they wanted," I said.

Both girls had tears running down their cheeks when they saw the distant look on my face as I recalled the events that were starting to destroy me if I couldn't find a way past them.

"My father was one of those men, wasn't he?" Chelsea asked.

"So was your grandfather," I said.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know. Dad did threaten to take me to one of those meeting if I didn't start acting like the man he wanted me to be, but he never took me and since I hadn't shown any interest in girls I don't know if he ever would have," Chelsea said.

"My dad took me to one of those meeting but he didn't make me dress like that. He said he wanted me to see what happens to boys and girls that don't act like they should. I wanted to leave as soon as they brought the women in. I hid my face and cried the whole time, but I still knew what they were doing to the women and girls," Andrea said.

"You know if you go home dressed as you are now your families will disown you?" I asked.

"If they did to me what they did to you I would rather be disowned than be considered part of their family. Alex I'm so sorry for what we thought to do to you. Dad only said you threatened him, he never said why, and from what you've said I doubt you made a threat to start with," Chelsea said.

I smiled and packed my stars back in their case putting them away.

"How about we go in the house. I have no doubt Marc and the boys will be here any minute and I need to check on the kids," I said.

"You have kids?" Andrea asked.

"They're Marc's nieces and nephew," I said.

When I walked in the house Lindsey came running up throwing her arms around me.

"We were worried about you mom," Lindsey said.

"Is little Marc and Angela in bed?" I asked.

"They want you to tuck them in, but they're both so tired I doubt they're still awake," Lindsey said.

"Lindsey, can you show Chelsea and Andrea around while I check on Angela and Marc?" I asked knowing she would show them around a little.

I stepped in the smallest room and Marc sat up holding his arms out for a hug.

"I was told you were asleep," I said taking him in my arms and heading for the girls room.

Angela sat up when I opened the door and I went over and sat on her bed holding Marc in my lap.

"I'll bet you want me to tell you a story to help you sleep," I said.

I started telling them a story I remembered from before the abuse started. One that told of a princess and prince who went through some rough times together and in the end still loved like the day they met. Before I was half way through the story both were asleep.

Marc came in while I was telling them the story and took little Marc from me so I could tuck Angela in. I put my arm around him on the way back to little Marc's room and watched as Marc laid him in the bed and pulled the covers up tucking him in.

"They really love you," Marc said turning to me when he was finished.

"Why do you love me Marc?" I asked.

"You don't think I should? Tell me about the story you told the kids. I've never heard it before," Marc said.

"It's a story from a simpler time, Kathy would probably be able to tell you about it better than I can," I said.

"Kathy isn't here," Marc said.

"Before the abuse started our family was close, mom and dad really cared about us. Then that church came and everything changed. I played house with Kathy all the time before that church, and always I was dressed like Kathy and Jesse were, mom and dad didn't say anything because we all seemed so happy. Jesse, Kathy and I would make up stories to tell the dolls when we would put them down for their naps, that was one of those stories," I said.

"So you and your sisters made it up?" Marc asked.

"I don't know if we did or not, all I know is it was a story we told our dolls. Now will you answer my question?" I asked.

"I guess because your strong, beautiful, smart, there is a long list of reasons why anyone would love you and those probably top the list. But there's another list that I think is more important. I love you because your vulnerable, shy, willing to learn, and that list goes on and on too. Mostly I love you because I don't know how not to love you. In other words I don't know how to say why I love you, but I do love you," Marc said.

"I guess those reasons will do, but to me they are also reasons you shouldn't love me. I'm not as strong as it might appear most of the time, and lately that lack of strength is obvious even to me. The nightmares are worse than I ever remember them being, the feelings of total failure are stronger than any time in the past, and all I want to do is climb inside myself where no one can ever hurt me again. I don't want to remember anymore, and I'm afraid if I don't I'll be stuck in the memories. I keep wondering if maybe everyone wouldn't be better off without me, and that thought is becoming more and more powerful lately. I don't feel lovable in any way, so I can't understand why you could love me," I said.

Lindsey came in shortly after I said what I did and gave me a hug.

"I need you. You haven't failed my sister, brother and me, please we love you too," Lindsey said.

I hugged her back brushing my hand through her hair, tears running down my cheeks.

"I'm here for you Lindsey, I'll do everything I can to keep you safe," I said.

She pulled back so she could look at me and smiled. I saw the tears on her cheeks and cupped her cheek in my hand wiping the tears away with my thumb. I smiled at her and knew if for no other reason I needed to be here for these kids. They had already lost the world they knew and I couldn't let that happen again.

"I guess you would like me to tuck you in?" I asked Lindsey.

"I think I'm big enough to tuck myself in bed, but I do appreciate the thought," Lindsey said giving me another hug.

I pulled the door shut and turned to Marc.

"What are we going to do about those kids in the other room?" I asked.

"I think the boys want to get to know the girls better and I know little to nothing about the girls," Marc said.

"I think the girls would like to spend the night if you don't have a problem with letting them use the bedrooms in the basement," I said.

"The girls in one room the boys in the other?" Marc asked.

"How long do you think that will last after we come back up to bed? It isn't like we can say they can't be boy, girl, boy, girl in the rooms down there. To do so would be hypocritical on our part since we aren't married," I said.

"I guess we should talk to them about it whatever we do," Marc said

"We need to know what you kids are planning on doing tonight," Marc said as we walked in the living room.

"We haven't really made any plans," Chelsea said.

Marc and I looked at the others to see if they would confirm what Chelsea said.

"Jimmy and I told our folks we were spending the night at Chelsea's," Carl said.

"I doubt you said that in quite that way, but I do understand, and what about you girls?" I asked.

"If we go home dressed like this... Alex I don't think I could take it if our fathers did something to us like what was done to you," Andrea said.

"So what do you want to do?" I asked.

They looked at each other and back at Marc and I, but didn't have an answer, they didn't know what options were available.

"I could do like I did for the others and give each of you enough to buy a new set of clothes to replace the ones you were wearing, but by the time you could get to the stores they would all be closed. So what do you want to do?" I asked again.

"We don't have anywhere to go," Jimmy said.

"If any of us tried going home all our parents would know about how we're dressed and we'd never be allowed to see each other again. I guess we could try sleeping in the cars, but I don't know where we could park that someone wouldn't bother us wanting us to move or something," Chelsea said.

"As I see it, the four of you regret what you all came out here intending to do. Your other friends, not so much. If we offer to let you stay in the bedrooms we have in the basement for the night could we count on you to start finding out facts before running off half cocked again?" Marc asked.

"It wouldn't be right for us to all share the same room, I mean two boys and two girls," Carl said.

"There are two bedrooms down there and each bedroom has a double bed in it. They aren't anything fancy but the beds are clean," I said.

"Why would you do that? Let us stay here after everything we've done?" Chelsea asked.

"Like Marc said we believe you regret what your intentions were in coming out here. I would rather let you stay here than find out what happened to me, happened to you, simply because of something I encouraged by asking you all to change into the clothes you're wearing now," I said.

"I should call my folks and let them know I'm staying at a friends tonight," Andrea said.

Each of the girls called their parents to let them know they were staying at a friends house and would be home the following afternoon. From what they were saying I was sure their parents wanted more information than any of them were willing to share, and since they told their parents they were staying at each others house I wondered if their parents might not call each other to verify the story.

"Is it smart to lie to your parents that way?" I asked.

"If we told them we're spending the night here they would have gone just as ballistic as if we showed up at home dressed as we are," Chelsea said.

"And if they call to check up on you?" I asked.

"We go to different churches or at least the same church different buildings," Andrea said.

I didn't ask anymore questions, and showed all four of them down to the rooms they'd have for the night.

"Ma'am aren't you worried that two of us are girls and two of us boys?" Andrea asked.

"Would it do me any good to worry about it. Your all old enough to make up your minds about who you sleep with and since Marc and I aren't presently married and do share a bed, I think it would be hypocritical of us to say the girls in one room the boys in the other. I do ask that whatever you choose to do you keep any noise low since the sounds down here do travel up and I don't need the kids complaining about being woken to sounds that shouldn't be taking place," I said.

## Chapter 24

After fixing breakfast I headed out to the barn to try getting in a workout I hadn't gotten since I could remember. I started with the basic moves and gradually progressed to the move complex moves.

It felt so good stretching my muscles without thinking about much of anything else. I noticed Lindsey come in and watch while I did my workout and smiled. I knew she would ask if I would teach her.

"What do you think Lindsey?" I asked.

"That's beautiful, but what is it? It looked like you were dancing, but there isn't any music," Lindsey said.

"I guess in a way it is kind of a dance, but it's more a workout than anything. Those moves stretch all the muscles making them stronger and more relaxed," I said.

"That's your karate exercises, isn't it?" Lindsey asked.

"Yes it is. Would you like to learn?" I asked.

"Would I?" Lindsey asked excitement heavy in her voice. "Ever since finding out Uncle John knows karate I've asked him to teach me."

"The first rule is you never fight if you can walk away. Lindsey martial arts are for defense only, and you have to be balanced body and mind, or while you may learn the moves you'll never be very good at it," I said.

"I'm not sure I understand," Lindsey said.

"It means your body and mind both need to be at peace. If there is a conflict between your thoughts and what you're doing you don't have peace and you become your own worst enemy," I said.

"How do I find this peace?" Lindsey asked.

"Clear your mind. Once your mind is clear think of the happiest memory you can. Enter the memory and allow yourself to feel all the joy you felt when the memory was new. When you can do that you'll be ready to learn," I said.

I watched as she reached for her memory, not quite able to grasp it fully without losing the present.

"You need to be able to be in both the memory and the present Lindsey. When you are in the memory and still in the present the moves will become a second nature, a dance if you will," I said.

Marc came in and watched totally fascinated watching his niece trying to live in both her memory and the present.

"I've never seen martial arts taught this way before," Marc said.

"That is why you can't hit your mark with the stars and you think razor sharp is sharp enough," I said.

"So every time you throw one of those stars you're in balance like that?"

"Not lately, but it was how I learned to throw with such accuracy," I said.

"Your sensei must have been something. Did he teach everyone to bring themselves into balance that way?" Marc asked.

"I don't know. He said he wanted me to learn because I was so far out of balance only my drive was making me able to learn. Once I learned to balance my mind and body I started learning faster than any of his other students and a master was brought in to continue my training. Even the master was surprised at my ability and said I was the first student he had seen who had surpassed their sensei to the point their sensei was fearful of what their student was capable of," I said.

"Care to show me some of your moves?" Marc asked.

"You want a match between us? Marc I don't do matches, in fact I'm not allowed to compete, my sensei was a master in several forms and he refused to compete with me for fear of what I'm capable of," I said.

"A little sparing match then, a few throws maybe a couple kicks. Until one of us calls enough," Marc said.

"I don't know if that's a good idea. I'm not sure I can hold back once we start," I said.

"I trust you, I think the love we share will temper your will," Marc said.

He stepped up and took his stance opposite me. I didn't move knowing he could really get hurt if I wasn't able to balance myself.

He moved and I blocked him and thought of the kids and how much they needed both a mother and father. A smile formed as the memory of Lindsey and I riding out to the far side of the property came to me. I meant to remove the threat I was becoming and she showed me both love and compassion when I felt neither would ever again be a part of me.

Marc made another move and I blocked and countered using his awkwardness against him. He caught himself before falling and was back in his stance. I stood there not giving any indication whether I was ready or not and he came in again. I side stepped his attack giving a small shove as he tried to recover from his missed attempt.

"You aren't even trying are you?" Marc asked.

"Trying to what? Marc I never developed a stance like you have. To me it doesn't even make sense. If you can't defend yourself naturally from whatever position you happen to be in what good is it to try learning martial arts?" I asked.

"Then no one ever knows if your ready or not," Marc said.

"I'm always ready, at least if I'm not lost in my memories which seems to be harder to avoid lately," I said.

"I saw a calmness come over you after my first attack. Tell me about the memory," Marc asked.

"It's a special memory shared with one person and I don't feel sharing it would be appropriate," I said.

"You can be a bitch some times, alright tell me what you told Lindsey," Marc said.

"To find your balance clear your mind and find one memory that is special, a good special. Let that one memory fill you up so you can smell the smells you did when the memory was new. Let everything but that memory wash away, but don't get so lost in the memory you aren't aware of what is around you in the here and now," I said.

"How is anyone supposed to do that?" Marc asked.

"When you can do that, you'll find that stance of yours is meaningless. You'll always be ready to defend yourself and those you care most about. If you want to learn what I know you have to be able to do many of the same things," I said.

"So your saying that unless I can find a way of living in two worlds at the same time I'll never be able to compete against you?" Marc asked.

"I don't know. I do know that it took me one and a half years to go from green belt to master in two forms of the arts by being able to balance myself using memories from my past that were good, where I knew I was loved," I said.

"And yet your still in the present while reliving those memories?" Marc asked.

"No, I don't think that's how it is. When you came in while I was talking to Chelsea and Andrea last night out here, you knew I was remembering, yet it was different from when I relived the memories. I was fully aware of the present while being able to remember all the details of what was done in those memories. I wasn't exactly reliving the memories, I couldn't feel the pain, the humiliation, the smells weren't there only the acts," I said.

He thought about what I said and I saw his stance change the features of his face softened, he looked more relaxed, yet more dangerous, like a cat stalking its prey.

I reached in with an attempt to hit him and he easily blocked the attempt where in his old stance he would have had to fight himself to block me.

"I think you understand now," I said.

"You tried to hit me?" Marc asked.

"If I had made contact it would have hurt," I said.

"According to how I was taught everything you've told me is wrong, but I felt freer more relaxed. I could see what you were doing easier," Marc said.

"And the stance?" I asked.

"It's not important, in fact it makes it harder because your only prepared for one kind of attack. This feels much easier and more relaxed. I feel readier than I ever did with the stance," Marc said.

"When there is true balance there is no need for ritual and the stance is pure ritual. It is a good place to start for many, but those who are bound to ritual will never achieve true balance. I'm sure if you were to use the balance I've just shown you your attempts with the stars would improve as well," I said.

Lindsey stood there watching as I spared with Marc a little, neither of us seeming to be able to land a blow. I saw Chelsea and Andrea walk in and sit next to Lindsey to watch us and smiled at the thought of them finally understanding just how ill prepared they were to do what they thought of when they came out to our home.

"How long have they been going at it like that," Andrea asked Lindsey.

"About ten minutes," Lindsey answered.

"I don't think I've ever seen anyone move that fast before," Chelsea said.

Marc and I stopped and bowed to those watching.

"What was that you were doing?" Andrea asked.

"Sparing," I said.

"I don't understand, it almost looked like you were dancing, but not dancing," Andrea said.

"In martial arts sparing is when two people fairly equally matched try hitting each other without actually hurting each other. Marc wanted to spar since it's a great way to work out, but he wasn't able to match me until he learned how to achieve his balance. Now he knows how to achieve his balance we are fairly close to being equally matched, thus neither of us were able to land a blow very well," I said.

"So it was kind of like you were fighting only not fighting?" Andrea asked.

"Something like that," I said.

"Did you teach him how to achieve his balance?" Chelsea asked.

"I explained how I find my balance and he figured it out from there," I said.

"Do you give lessons?" Andrea asked.

"I'll teach our children, but I don't have time to become an instructor for others. Girls I'm a full-time lawyer and help out at the Pride Center. Between my law practice and the work I do for the Pride Center it doesn't leave me a lot of time for anything else and my time with my family is very important to me," I said.

"What about Marc, he could teach us couldn't he?" Chelsea asked.

"I'd love to, but I doubt I could teach you the way Alex would. I didn't learn to find balance like she did, but then I don't have the history she does either," Marc said.

"So you'd be willing to teach us?" Andrea asked.

"Are you willing to commit to what it will take to learn? Girls the training is something you have to do every day. Martial arts teaches discipline, but it teaches a lot more as well. Martial arts are body and mind, and if you aren't willing to commit to the physical discipline teaching the mind discipline is impossible since it does require both," Marc said.

"Would we ever be as good as you and Alex?" Chelsea asked.

"I don't know if you will be or not. Most of that is up to you and how willing you are to dedicate yourself to the mental and physical discipline," Marc said.

"Why did you learn?" Andrea asked.

"I thought if I learned martial arts I could protect those I love. That isn't a good reason however so let me turn that question around. Why do you think you want to learn martial arts?" Marc asked.

"I want to be able to...." Chelsea started and fell silent.

"I don't like being scared, and if I know martial arts maybe I won't need to be scared anymore," Andrea said.

Andrea's words echoed through my head. They were almost the same words I used when I took kick boxing in high school, and the teacher asked me why. I started wondering just how much like me she was.

The only ones still in the house were the boys, Angela and little Marc. To me that wasn't a good combination since little Marc still needed help with most things and while Angela seemed to be self sufficient I knew she was anything but.

"Lindsey would you help me fix breakfast?" I asked, hoping she would say yes.

I started toward the house and noticed Marc trying to come up with reasons he wouldn't make a good martial arts instructor and knowing he would fail and finally give in to teaching at least Chelsea and Andrea, and somehow manage to get me involved as well. It wasn't I didn't want to teach them, but for now I needed to focus on my law firm and the children it appeared I would be raising into adults.

In the kitchen Carl and Jimmy both asked if I knew where Chelsea and Andrea were. Both of them were wearing the dresses they picked out the night before and it appeared they both shaved their legs.

"Mom? Are they going to be staying here too?" Lindsey asked.

"I don't know dear, I was kind of hoping they'd be willing to go get some proper clothing for their gender, but now I have a feeling if I gave them the money they'd come back with clothes much like what they're wearing now," I said.

"Do you think they want to be girls?" Lindsey asked.

"No I don't think so, but I think they'd be willing to be ridiculed to prove they support Chelsea and Andrea," I said.

Lindsey didn't say anything more about the guests we had and went in her room to check on Angela and see if she was about ready to get up. I got out some bacon and a dozen eggs, then went in to check on little Marc to see him sitting up in his bed playing quietly.

"Well little man it looks like your ready to get up so how about we get you dressed and then you can continue playing while I get some breakfast ready," I said picking little Marc up and giving him a hug.

A few minutes later I was back in the kitchen cracking the dozen eggs into a bowl to scramble. I spread the bacon on a cooling rack setting it in a cookie sheet and placed it in the oven. I found some bell peppers and diced them up along with an onion and started them cooking in butter so when I mixed them with the eggs they would be fully cooked the same time the eggs were.

When the onions and peppers were soft enough I dumped the eggs in mixing it up and placed the pan under the rack with the bacon on it.

Fifteen minutes later I took everything out of the oven and set the table for my little family plus our four guests.

Lindsey came in with Angela tagging behind and I asked if she could let everyone know breakfast was on the table and if they didn't hurry I was going to feed theirs to the pigs.

"I didn't know we have pig," Lindsey said.

"Because we don't, but only Uncle Marc would know that among those not here," I said.

Lindsey and Angela both started laughing and Lindsey ran outside in the direction of the barn. A short time later returning with everyone else in tow.

Chelsea and Andrea offered to wash the dishes after breakfast was over, and Marc and I sat down with Carl and Jimmy to find out what they wanted to do. I kept an eye on the girls as they loaded the dishwasher and when they started to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher I stopped them telling them everything else was fine in the dishwasher but my cast iron was to be washed by hand and dried as soon as possible afterward.

"I don't understand, my mom put hers in the dishwasher all the time," Andrea said.

"I'll bet she doesn't use it very often does she, and when she does use it she complains about everything sticking to it?" I asked.

They took the skillet out of the dishwasher and washed it while I joined Marc and the others back at the table.

The boys said they wanted to go shopping if I didn't mind, so I laid a one hundred dollar bill on the table for each of them the girls joined us and said they wanted to go shopping, but not if it meant getting things for boys rather than girls.

I smiled and asked what they intended to do about their families.

"Umm... would you go with so they won't try forcing us to do things we don't want?" Andrea asked.

"So neither of you want any boy clothes?" I asked.

They both nodded and said they never wanted to pretend to be something they weren't any longer.

"How about one of you letting the boys take your car since I don't want to leave the kids home alone and I doubt we could get Erica, Kathy, or Niki to come over this early to watch them. Then I'll take you two home so you can talk to your families then we'll go shopping," I said.

Lindsey gave me a look I wasn't sure how to interpret and I said she could come with, but she would have to sit in the back the whole time.

"Dear, how about I call Erica and see if she's willing to watch Angela and little Marc and we can drop them off on our way to the store, then we can use the pickup and both of the girls cars will be fine sitting here," Marc said.

Marc called Erica and she agreed to take the two little kids as long as she wasn't going to be stuck with them all day. Marc promised it wouldn't be more than a couple hours and if I hadn't picked them up he would on his way back home.

The girls asked what car we were taking since it seemed the boys were going to use the pickup and I pointed to my car.

"It's a little cramped in the back seat, but it is reliable and fits my style," I said.

Both girls looked at me, and Lindsey started laughing.

"Couldn't we take one of our cars, they're both bigger than that little thing," Chelsea said.

"And what happens if your parents decide you can't have the car when they find out you aren't willing to be the boys they want you to be?" I asked.

"I never thought of that," Chelsea said.

Chelsea climbed in the back with Lindsey and Andrea got in the passenger seat. I gave Marc a hug and told him I'd be back as soon as I could, but not to look for me for at least four hours. I slid in the driver seat and looked at Andrea hoping she would give me the address for her parents home.

"Are we ready?" I asked.

"I guess so," Andrea said.

"I guess all we need now is to know where it is we're going then," I said.

Andrea gave me an embarrassed look and told me her parents address.

When we arrived I parked on the street and got out standing next to the car.

"Andrea if you need me I'm here, but this is something you need to do on your own if you can," I said.

The look of fear was over powering as she slid out of the car. She looked back every other step until she reached the front door and opened it.

"Mom," I heard her call out stepping through the door.

I heard something crash in the house and heard a mans voice telling her to get the hell out and not come back until she was ready to be the man she was supposed to be. I locked the car telling Chelsea and Lindsey to please stay in the car and I would be back shortly.

When I reached the open front door I could see inside and Andrea was curled in a fetal position with a man standing over her a belt in his hand.

"If I were you sir I would either drop that belt or put it back around your waist where it belongs," I said.

"Who are you?" the man said.

"You don't remember?" I asked. "I'm disappointed with you men and your shitty memory of those you abuse. Of course the last time you saw me I was still just a kid in high school, and using a different name than the one I use now."

He drew the belt back as though to hit Andrea with it and I released one of my stars cutting the belt just inches from his hand.

"I gave you two option with my request, it was an either lay the belt down or put it back on, now if you ever hope to use that belt as a belt again you'll need to lose a lot of weight," I said.

He looked at the small piece of belt still in his hand and turned toward me anger so raw in his features I knew there would be no talking to him.

"Before you do something else foolish I need to warn you I am a black belt in two forms of martial arts and the star I used to disarm you wasn't the only one I have," I said.

"Who the fuck do you think you are coming in my home like this?" he demanded.

"My name is Alexandra Kate DeMay. Andrea asked me to help her when she tried to tell you her truth," I said.

At the mention of my last name he paled visibly and I knew he was aware of the conservation I had the night before with Mr Collins.

"You... your... he said you... if you did this..." he stuttered not finishing a single sentence.

"Your daughter told me who she is because I didn't give her much choice, but after learning the truth about you and Mr Collins I have no doubt she's more than happy to do as you told her already and she's more than welcome to stay with me and my fiancée until she has at least finished school. As for you sir I'll give you the same options I gave Mr Collins last night at the restaurant. You have until noon Monday to turn yourself in to the police, or there will be an arrest warrant issued against you. If you cooperate with the police in their investigation I'm willing to do all I can to insure you are safe and the time isn't as hard as it could be. If however you refuse to cooperate, or try running, I'll do everything in my power to insure you do hard time where I have no doubt the inmates will be willing to help you learn what it is you did to so many women and children, all in the name of your god," I said.

The look of horror on his face told me he knew what I was talking about, but still didn't know who I was other than my name was DeMay.

"Karen, Karen DeMay," he whispered.

"I see you finally remember, and I have no doubt you remember what you all did to my father when he refused to try bringing me or any of my sisters again," I said.

I told Andrea to gather whatever she wanted because she wouldn't be coming back here again until her father was either in prison or dead.

She didn't take much time gathering a few things she said she wanted, she was sure would fit in my car and still leave Chelsea room to get some of her things as well.

She tried to give her mom a hug and her mom turned away from her and said she never wanted to see her again unless she was willing to be the boy she was born.

Andrea was in tears when we walked out of her parents home. Chelsea was standing outside the car by the time Andrea and I got the few things she wanted placed in the trunk.

Andrea slid in the back seat allowing Chelsea to slide in the front, she told me her parents address as soon as I was in with my seatbelt fastened.

At Chelsea's parents we went through much the same thing we had gone through at Andrea's. Chelsea was looking at me when her mother finally opened the door.

"Mom, I... I can't be the boy dad wants me to be anymore," Chelsea said.

"I can't protect you from this, the cost was more than I could bare last time and this time it will be even worse," Mrs Collins said.

"Mom I do have somewhere else I can live if you or dad can't accept me for me," Chelsea said.

"I'm sorry dear, but I don't think that will work either. It doesn't matter where you go your father will find you and... who is that standing out there by that car?" Mrs Collins asked.

"Her name is Alex, she's offering to let me stay with her if daddy tries anything like he's threatened if he ever saw me dressed this way again," Chelsea said.

"She was at the restaurant last night wasn't she? She was the one your father went to meet?" Mrs Collins asked.

"I know daddies afraid of her, and now I know why. Mom she's the one who offered to let me stay at her home if I need a safe place to stay," Chelsea said, indicating she wanted me to come in.

"This is as close as I'll come Chelsea. If I come in there and trouble starts... out here I have the law on my side, in there not so much," I said.

Mr Collins walked out of a back room and seeing Chelsea started moving in her direction anger heavy in his features. Chelsea started moving toward me and if she didn't hurry she wouldn't make it before her father had her. As long as they remained in the house there was little I could do legally so I hoped she would hurry. I indicated for Andrea and Lindsey to call the police and knew the best I could do now was wait.

"What the hell is this. You spend the night at a friends and this is how you come home? If this is how you want to be then get the hell out of my house, or those meetings I told you about will become a reality," Mr Collins said still approaching Chelsea.

Chelsea reached the door stepping through just before her father was able to grab her.

"Mr Collins you do still have until noon Monday, but if you lay one finger on Chelsea before that I'll make sure to adjust that time frame and see you arrested now," I said.

Mr Collins stopped, finally looking around and took several steps back.

"You have to be out of your mind Miss DeMay. Are you so stupid you can't see this is a boy not a girl?" Mr Collins asked.

"Who made you an authority on what a man or woman is? As I recall you and your father both thought women and children were only good for sex and if you had to force them the better they were for it," I said stepping forward so I wasn't in the house but within easy reach if he tried to grab Chelsea and drag her in.

"Get back in this house Charles, I'm not done with you," Mr Collins said.

"You're the one who told me to get out, and now you want me to come back in so you can beat me? Why don't you come out here so everyone can see just what kind of father you are?" Chelsea said.

"He won't come out here because he's afraid of me, isn't that right Mr Collins? You're afraid of the little girl you once raped without mercy," I said.

"You don't scare me Miss DeMay," Mr Collins said.

"Then you're a fool, even my fiancée is scared of what I'm capable of, and he has two more black belts than I do, not as high in the ranking as mine, but he knows martial arts I don't," I said.

"I know about karate, and have dealt with several people who know karate and thought they could beat me," Mr Collins said.

"Chelsea go wait for me by the car and see if Andrea and Lindsey understood my message," I said.

"But, Alex I've seen my dad fight..." Chelsea said.

I gave her a look and she headed over to the car.

"Mr Collins if you come out that door before we leave you'll go to jail today and lose any chance of me helping you even if you do cooperate, and that's if I don't end up killing you if you insist on finding out what someone who is a master in two forms of martial arts is capable of," I said.

I turned toward the car and heard the sound of a gun being cocked.

"You'll have one shot before your dead so you better be sure you don't miss with the first," I said.

I continued toward the car never looking back, but knowing where both Mr and Mrs Collins were standing.

When I reached the curb I told Chelsea to get in the car and started around to the driver side. When I looked back at the house I saw Mr Collins holding a gun pointed at me and shaking so bad I doubted he could have hit anything if he did pull the trigger.

"I'm sorry girls. I wish things could have been different, but you're welcome to stay with us until your out of school," I said.

I started the car and saw a police car come around the corner so turned the car back off and waited for the police to stop before opening the door and getting out.

One of the officers came over to me and the other went over to talk with Mr and Mrs Collins.

"Ma'am, did you make the call?" the officer asked.

"I believe one of the kids did officer, but I'm not sure which one of them," I said.

"Perhaps you can tell me what's going on here then?" the officer asked.

"One of the girls in the car wanted to come talk to her parents and things didn't go well. Her father threatened her, kicking her out, and then threatened to beat her if she left," I said.

"And your part in this?" the officer asked.

"My part is that two of the girls in the car came by my home last night with the idea of causing harm and property damage, my fiancée and I were able to dissuade them and even help turn them around. Of all the kids they had with them only these two girls and their boyfriends chose to spend the night and ask for our help if we were willing to help," I said.

"Can I ask your name ma'am?"

"I'm Alexandra DeMay, my fiancée is Marc Adleson," I said.

"You're an attorney, and if I'm not mistaken Marc Adleson is a Special Investigator with the FBI, isn't he?" the officer asked.

"Yes sir," I said.

"Thank you Miss DeMay, I'm sure if there are any further questions someone will be in touch," the officer said.

I slid back in the car and turned to all the girls sitting there.

"Chelsea I don't know if you ever want to come back here, from what I heard from your mother I do think she would be willing to accept you, but I'm sure you know the chances of your father ever accepting you are slim at best," I said.

"I can't come back now, not ever. I know what happened here is only the tip if I were to ever come back, and while I pretend to be tough I doubt I could ever go through what you have and remain sane," Chelsea said.

"And what about you Andrea? It sounded to me like your parents both disowned you," I said.

"I can't ever go home either. I know my parents will tell everyone I'm dead and anyone that doesn't know about me will never hear about me from them like I never existed," Andrea said.

"The next question is what do you want to do about finishing school? Your both old enough to sign yourselves into whatever school you want, but you neither have ID for who you are presenting and I'm not sure how long it will take for you to get proper ID since neither of you are yet over eighteen," I said.

"You'd be willing to help us wouldn't you?" Andrea asked.

"It will take some time, but I'll see if I can get one of my para-legals to look into what it will take and get the paperwork done," I said.

I headed for the mall and hoped Marc took the boys there. When I pulled in I spotted Marc's truck and parked next to it waiting for the girls to get out and locked the doors.

In the mall Lindsey spotted Marc as soon as we walked through the door and took off running. I thought of calling her back and spotted Marc about the same time so just let her go.

"That didn't take long," Marc said putting his arm around my waist.

"It took longer than it should have. Chelsea's father decided to cause trouble so we had to wait for the police," I said.

"You got everything taken care of though?" Marc asked.

"Not yet. Marc I promised both girls they could stay with us at least until they're out of high school. They can't either of them go back home, and I'm not sure it would ever be safe for them to even try," I said.

He looked troubled, but didn't share what it was that troubled him.

"Where are the boys?" I asked.

"They wanted me to just take them home," Marc said.

"I take it there wasn't anyone at either of their homes?" I asked.

"They both got out at Carl's. I have a really bad feeling about those two and I think it might be smart to keep them away," Marc said.

"I noticed both girls were looking for them, but it seemed Andrea out of fear, and Chelsea as though hoping they were here. Marc I think Chelsea is much like her father and the only way I know of finding out is to get her and Andrea apart so I can talk to Andrea without worrying she'll tell me something just so Chelsea doesn't get mad at her. I was hoping maybe you'd be willing to take Chelsea home and let me have a little time with Andrea," I said.

"You really think Andrea will come clean if Chelsea isn't there?" Marc asked.

"I think there's a much better chance of it. Marc I know Andrea has been abused in much the same way I was. I have a feeling those boys and Chelsea had a hand in that abuse, and for me to offer her the only safety net I think she will cling to for dear life, I need Chelsea and her apart since I have no intention of making the same offer to Chelsea," I said.

"You aren't planning on shopping for clothes for Andrea here, are you?" Marc asked.

"Will you take Chelsea with you? If she has somewhere else she would rather go that's fine by me," I said.

Marc said he would deal with Chelsea and make sure she wasn't able to influence anything Andrea might be willing to share with me. Five minutes later Marc and Chelsea were looking at clothes in one store and I had Lindsey and Andrea out at the car with me getting ready to go somewhere else.

"Ma'am what about Chelsea?" Andrea asked.

"Marc will see she gets back to the house or wherever she wants. Andrea I need to talk to you and if Chelsea is here I'm not sure I can trust the answers you might give. I know you were afraid the boys were going to be here when you saw Marc, and I'm glad they weren't, but I need you to be honest with me, or I'm not sure I can help you," I said.

"Chelsea said we couldn't trust you, that you'd try doing the same thing to us her dad did to you," Andrea said.

I pulled into the parking lot of a store that carried better clothes than anything at the mall, and parked in the closest parking place I could find to the front door.

"Are you girls coming in?" I asked sliding out of the car and getting ready to lock the doors.

"One hundred dollars won't buy much at this store," Andrea said.

"Do you really think I would buy my daughters clothes at the mall? I won't say the mall doesn't have anything but junk, but I know the clothes here are never junk and are always well worth the price," I said.

"I take it we're shopping for Lindsey then?" Andrea asked.

"Lindsey has a full closet and doesn't need anything, so no," I said.

"But..." Andrea was still struggling in comprehend what I said. "You have another daughter?" she asked

"I don't technically have any children," I said keeping an eye on her to see if she would understand.

Her expression of confusion never changed. I was beginning to think she would never understand without me telling her out right.

"Andrea can you give me the phone number for you parents?" I asked.

She gave me the phone number and I called to ask if they were willing to sign over their parental rights, or if I would need to file with the courts to have those rights stripped. I kept an eye on Andrea throughout the call and when I hung up her expression of confusion was gone and tears were running down her cheeks.

"You want to adopt me?" Andrea asked.

"Andrea even if that isn't possible I want to help you, but it does mean you stop hiding things from me and start being honest about answering the questions I ask, even if they are hard questions. I can protect you, but for me to do so does mean you need to trust me," I said.

The tears came harder as she finally understood what I was asking.

"I... thank you, and I'll try really hard not to let you down," Andrea said.

"Mom does that mean Andrea will be my sister too?" Lindsey asked.

"Would that be ok with you?" I asked.

Lindsey smiled and threw her shoulders back before giving Andrea a hug and welcoming her to the family.

In the conversation with Andrea's parents I told them if they were willing to sign over parental rights I would be willing to give them another week to give themselves up before I would file the charges, but if someone else turned them in there was little I could do aside from keeping the rest of the promise about helping them get state time rather than federal time. They agreed to come into my office Monday morning to sign the papers surrendering their parental rights, thus opening the door for me to adopt Andrea.

I always knew I would be a mother, but I never fully understood how. The question now was what would my sisters think of being aunts to kids as old as these kids. Did it really matter what they thought though? I needed the stability being a mother would give, but I knew I still needed to get therapy to move beyond the horrors that were my past.

Andrea needed a new wardrobe and by the time we were done shopping she had one. If anyone asked her name she told them she was Andrea DeMay and I was her mother. Some of the looks we got were comical to say the least.

## Chapter 25

When we got home the pickup was already sitting there, but Chelsea's car was gone. Lindsey helped Andrea bring in her new clothes and told her Marc would want a fashion show to see what all she got.

I helped carrying in one bundle of clothes and asked the girls to please be sure to get the rest out of the car and down in Andrea's room, then went looking for Marc.

"I take it Chelsea didn't like that Andrea and I went shopping somewhere else?" I asked Marc when I found him.

"When she discovered you were gone and Andrea went with she was furious and wanted to know what was going on," Marc said.

"And since you either wouldn't, or couldn't tell her she demanded you take her somewhere?" I asked.

"She asked to come back here so she could get her car. I have a feeling things with her are just getting started. How were things for you once you left?" Marc asked.

"Andrea's parents are supposed to be coming by my office Monday morning to sign over their parental rights, so I can become her legal guardian," I said.

"Does she know?" Marc asked.

"She started calling me mom like Lindsey does, and even told a few people her name was Andrea DeMay," I said.

Marc started laughing so I swatted at him letting him know that while it was a little embarrassing I did enjoy being called mom.

"Would you be willing to help pick out horses for everyone so we can go for a ride?" I asked.

"From what Carl said the other day I thought you could do that on your own," Marc said.

"I know nothing about horses. Ok I did notice that one horse appeared to be skittish, but I could have been wrong," I said.

"When I saw the horse I would have rejected it as well. Carl has been dealing with horses his whole life and had never seen one act the way that one did. From what he said that horse was trained to have someone hunting from its back and never shied until you threw that star in its direction," Marc said.

"One of us needs to go get the little ones," I said.

"If you want to do that I'll get the horses ready, we probably should have them ride with one of us," Marc said.

"I was hoping maybe we could do a picnic type dinner," I said.

"I think we can manage that, and if you want I'll do the cooking since I'm not bad with a barbecue or camp fire," Marc said.

I smiled at him and headed for my car to go over to Erica's and get Angela and little Marc. When Marc asked if she could watch them he told her a couple hours at most and it was now about four hours since he dropped them off. I hoped she wouldn't be to upset with us since until we got the big car fixed there wouldn't be much room for all of us in any of the other cars we had.

"Sorry it took so long. I hoped Marc would pick them up on his way home and I just found out he hadn't," I said.

"You should know better than to count on a man for anything," Erica said smiling to let me know she was kidding.

Angela came running out throwing her arms around me making moving impossible if I didn't want to fall.

It took a minute before she release my legs enough I could reach down and pick her up.

"It doesn't look like you missed me," I said smiling as she wrapped her arms around my neck so tight breathing became difficult.

Aaron came out carrying little Marc who seeing me started wiggling so bad Aaron almost dropped him.

"Both of them have been talking about you like the world would end if you didn't come get them," Erica said.

"I guess it's a good thing I got here then I can't imagine how difficult it has been for you," I said.

I took little Marc in my left arm shifting Angela to my right.

"Alex I don't have any idea what you have going on over there, but if you ever need me to watch the kids all you have to do is ask, they are my nieces and nephew, I just don't have room here to keep them and that house is more than big enough," Erica said.

"The time I could really use the help is during the week when I'm at work," I said.

"Let me know what time and I'd be delighted to come over and keep an eye on them," Erica said.

"I usually leave about seven. I'm not sure what time Marc will be leaving most days. If seven is too early I'm sure Andrea and Lindsey could handle things for a couple hours if they need to," I said.

"Andrea?" Erica asked.

"She was one of the kids from last night, beyond that it's a long story and I don't really have the time right now," I said.

"I do expect to hear this story some day," Erica said.

"If you and Aaron want to join us for our picnic dinner I'm sure there'll be plenty of time," I said.

"You're all going out riding this afternoon?" Erica asked.

"We're supposed to be leaving as soon as I get back. Marc was getting the horses ready so I'm sure they're just waiting on me by now," I said.

She smiled and said she would talk to Aaron about it since she did want to hear about Andrea as soon as possible.

I got Angela and little Marc in the car and headed back home. When I pulled in the driveway Chelsea was sitting there tears running down her cheeks.

"Angela can you help little Marc in the house and tell Uncle Marc I might need him?" I asked.

Angela took little Marc by the hand and together they walked for the house. I kept a watch in case any of Chelsea's friends might be near and try to stop them.

When Angela and little Marc were safely in the house I looked over at Chelsea's car wondering why she hadn't yet tried to get out.

"If you want to talk to me Chelsea you'll need to get out of the car," I said loud enough Chelsea should have been able to hear me.

She looked up, but otherwise didn't move. I started toward the house figuring if she wanted to talk she'd do something other than just sit there.

Marc came out and before I could do much of anything saw a look of fear in his eyes and knew something was happening behind me.

I turned and threw in one move watching as my star found its mark and the gun went flying. I had another star ready, but didn't see any other targets for it and tucked it back away.

"You think you can come to my home and threaten me? Do you really believe me to be that vulnerable? Chelsea you are no longer welcome here and you can take that piece of shit with you once I have my star back," I said.

I walked over where Mr Collins was on the ground acting like his life were continuing by a thread. When I reached him he reached out as though to grab me and I kicked him in the jaw hearing the crack of bone. I took my star from his arm and Marc was standing by my side.

"I could use a little help getting him in Chelsea's car since he's now unconscious," I said.

Marc took one arm and I took the other lifting him into Chelsea's car and telling her if she cared about him at all, she would take him to the hospital and the police would meet them there.

I took out my phone and called the police giving them Chelsea's license plate number and letting them know they were likely on the way to one the hospitals since her father had a broken jaw and a rather deep cut in his right arm. They asked how I knew and when I told them they said they were sending an officer out to talk to Marc and I to get a full statement of what happened.

It took twenty minutes before the police arrived to get our statement, and then they said they were going to arrest me and Marc told them they didn't have the authority, because this was involved in a federal investigation and if they wanted to end up in their own jail they could try. The officers threatened to arrest Marc as well even though he had no part in anything that happened other than as a witness.

"Officer you can try arresting me and I will file charges of unlawful arrest and your likely to end up in the hospital to boot since there are only the two of you here at the moment and your radio will be incapable of making any calls before you can even reach it. Now if you want to send someone by my office in the morning I'll be willing to fill in any details you don't have, but what you have now is all you will get since it took you so long to get here and you've proven you really don't care about facts and truth," I said.

"Are you threatening us Miss DeMay?" one of the officers asked.

"No officer I don't make threats," I said spinning one of my stars and showing that I had several more handy.

Both officers paled and turned to their car as I let one of my stars fly and had another in my hand letting it fly as well. The first star hit the post next to the officer on the driver side of the car while the second hit the post on the other side each hitting their targets as the officers opened their doors.

"I have plenty more if you ever come out here to my home again," I said.

They both slid in the car and backed out the drive and sped off toward town.

"I have a feeling we aren't going to have any posts left on this property that you haven't used for target practice before much longer," Marc said.

"Are we going on our picnic or not?" I asked.

Ten minutes later we were mounted on the horses Andrea looking terrified. I rode over next to her and assured her we wouldn't be riding fast and I would be willing to ride next to her the whole time.

Before we got wherever it was we were going we were joined by Erica and Aaron, Erica coming alongside me as though to ask me to tell her the story I refused when I picked up the little kids earlier.

Andrea appeared a little more comfortable sitting in her saddle and I motioned Lindsey to come up and ride with her so I could go off a little with Erica.

"Andrea, Lindsey will stay with you and I won't be far off, but I need to talk to Erica," I said.

Erica and I fell back a little so we could talk without Andrea and Lindsey hearing what we said. I explained what happened the night before and about letting Andrea and Chelsea spend the night. I told her about going to each of the girls parents and the problems faced in trying to explain why each of them were dressed as they were. I told her about meeting Marc at the mall and Chelsea expecting me to buy her the most expensive slut wear she could find while Andrea looked for clothes with a more modest look that didn't cost more than I said I was willing to give them, while Chelsea tried to get Andrea to look at the slut wear as well saying how hot Andrea would look.

I watched both girls interacting with Lindsey and noticed Lindsey tried to avoid Chelsea, but at the same time drew closer to Andrea. In the end I asked Marc if he would keep an eye on Chelsea while I took Andrea somewhere else so I could try getting her to talk to me.

Before actually doing our shopping for Andrea, I had her give me the phone number for her parents and I called and asked what it would take for them to sign over their parental rights. Andrea heard me ask the questions and her smile grew when she realized she had somewhere safe and she would get to continue school. Her first statement on seeing where we were was that a hundred dollars wouldn't buy much and I told her I expected my daughters to dress better than what was available at the mall.

Andrea had tears running down both cheeks and if anyone asked her name she told them Andrea DeMay and has insisted on that ever since.

"Erica how could I refuse her? Was I supposed to accept Chelsea when all Chelsea wanted was the money I had. Everyone of the kids that came over with Chelsea took the one hundred dollars I gave them and acted like I owed them even more," I said.

"Andrea didn't act like you owed her though?" Erica asked.

"No, Andrea was willing to accept the hundred dollars, but it was like she had no idea why I was giving it. Yes I held up a dress for each of them there, but I never forced any of them to change into them. I did tell them they wouldn't be wearing the jeans they arrived in when the police got there. I'm not the one who destroyed the clothes they were wearing a couple of the boys did that and they all knew about it," I said.

"I hope she's the wonderful kid you seem to think she is," Erica said.

"I feel so excited when all four of those kids call me mom, and they all started doing it without asking me if it was alright. Lindsey still calls Marc, Uncle John, but since yesterday she has been calling me mom," I said.

"I wasn't aware of that, she didn't even call her mother, mom most of the time, always calling her Linda or Lin for short," Erica said.

What was going on? What Erica said scared me because I couldn't understand. I had assumed Lindsey, Angela and little Marc had been close to their mother, yet if what Erica said is true... Who was I that these children looked to me as a mother when they never even saw their own mother in that way? How many times had I wished my mother would have stood up for me the way I intended to stand up for these children?

I only knew these children weren't old enough, nor big enough to defend themselves from the cruelty this world could dish out, but I was now both, big enough, and old enough, to defend both them and myself, and I didn't feel it an imposition to do either. These kids had the chance I never did, and I intended to see they were able to take advantage of everything possible.

I rode up to Marc and gave him a look I wasn't sure if he would understand, but hoped he would.

"I take it Erica told you Lindsey never called her mother mom the way she does you?" Marc asked.

I looked over at him a little anger in my expression.

"Alex you haven't said anything, and I didn't see the need of telling you. The first time I heard her call you mom surprised me and each time since has been almost as much of a surprise," Marc said.

"Did she ever call Ellen mom?" I asked.

"To the best of my knowledge you're the only person she has ever called mom," Marc said.

## Chapter 26

As soon as I got in the office Monday morning I drafted a form I needed typed up that Andrea's parents agreed to come in and sign releasing her to my custody giving up their parental rights. I started doing a few refinements when Niki and Judy came in. I handed off to Niki the job of getting the form typed up and ready for their signature.

"Judy have you finished going over those files yet?" I asked.

"Yes ma'am, ma'am from what I saw in several of them the defendant was sentenced without due process. The judge in the case refused to allow any evidence that called into question the guilt of the defendant," Judy said.

"In that case Judy I want you to set up appointments with the defendants for us to come out and talk to them and offer our services," I said.

After getting both Niki and Judy set up I walked over to see if Kathy was in.

"How's your day going so far?" I asked when I stepped in Kathy's office after seeing her there.

"Alex I never meant to hurt you," Kathy said.

"Water under the bridge. Tell me how you would feel about being an aunt to a teenager?" I asked.

"I thought Lindsey was a preteen," Kathy said.

"Lindsey is a preteen, but she isn't who I was talking about," I said.

"How old is this teenager?" Kathy asked.

"I think she's seventeen, but she may only be sixteen," I said.

"Are you sure your up to being a mother to someone that old? I know you and I were more like mothers to Niki than mom was but still..." Kathy said.

"She doesn't have anywhere else to go, and started calling me mom when she found out I'd do what I can to help her. I took her shopping Saturday, and she told everyone her name was Andrea DeMay and I was her mother," I said.

Mr and Mrs Phillips walked in the outer office, I assumed to sign the papers they agreed to over the phone.

"Niki can you see those papers I had you working on are ready for Mr and Mrs Phillips signature," I said sticking my head out of Kathy's office.

"This Andrea is their daughter?" Kathy asked.

"They don't think so, but since she refuses to be anyone but Andrea now..." I said.

"I want them out of here as soon as possible. Especially her," Kathy said.

"That's my intent, but why her especially?" I asked.

"Because he's just a puppet for her. Alex, if he was involved in abusing you he did so because she told him to. He does whatever she tells him to do," Kathy said.

I kept an eye on them while Niki got the papers ready. Mrs Phillips picked up each page and read it carefully setting it upside down on the desk and picking up the next. When she set the last page down she said she wasn't signing them without talking to Andrew first.

I gave Kathy a look, since Mr Phillips hadn't made any move to read the papers and if Kathy was right he wouldn't other than to sign them where they needed to be signed.

"Mrs Phillips I assure you I can explain anything in these papers you don't understand," Niki said.

"I doubt that Niki DeMay, I doubt you have any idea what is in those pages or what it means," Mrs Phillips said.

I saw Niki turning red and feared she was going to say or do something she shouldn't so stepped out of Kathy's office and cleared my throat.

"I'll take it Niki," I said.

I walked over to the desk Niki was using and indicated she should wait for me in her office.

"Is there a problem Mrs Phillips?" I asked.

"The problem is Miss DeMay I wish to talk to Andrew before signing these documents," Mrs Phillips said.

I picked up the phone and dialed my home number, Erica answered and I let her know I wanted to talk to Andrea.

"Mom is something wrong?" Andrea asked.

"There's someone here who wants to talk to you before they'll sign the papers they agreed to on Saturday, the choice is yours dear if you don't wish to talk to them I do understand," I said.

"Do you think I should?" Andrea asked.

"I think the choice is yours dear, this is something you need to decide on your own," I said.

"Will you be on the line too? Mom if your on the line I think I can talk to her," Andrea said.

"Let me put you on hold so we can go in my office, then I'll put it on speaker phone," I said to Andrea and Mr and Mrs Phillips.

I placed the call on hold and stood up indicating Mr and Mrs Phillips should follow me. I opened the door and allowed them into the office closing the door and walking around my desk taking my chair and putting the phone on speaker.

"Andrea we're now in my office where whatever is said won't be over heard by everyone in the outer office," I said.

"Hello mother, I'm guessing father is with you," Andrea said.

"Are you sure this is what you want Andrew?" Mrs Phillips asked.

"This isn't about what I want mother. I can't be this Andrew you want, and you can't accept me as Andrea, so you can either sign the papers, or I'll refuse to come back to your home, and if I have to, will go somewhere you'll never find me until I'm eighteen, so there isn't anything you can do any longer. The choice is yours mother, but I'll never think of you in a good way unless you sign the papers," Andrea said.

Mrs Phillips started to say something and the phone line went dead. I picked up the handset and pressed the button for the line and heard the dial tone.

I looked over at Mr and Mrs Phillips and laid a pen on top of the papers. I didn't say anything just sat back in my chair and waited.

"Where is my son Miss DeMay?" Mrs Phillips asked.

"Andrea is safe. I promised that if you signed these papers today I'd be willing to give you another week before you could either turn yourself in, or I gave your names to the police for the part you played in abusing women and children. If you try walking out of the office without signing these papers you won't make it to the front door before the police are here to arrest you, and I'll file with the courts to not only get your parental rights removed from Andrea, but from any of your children still living at home," I said.

Mrs Phillips looked at me and I saw her trying to figure out whether she had any chance of getting out the door and to her car before the police showed up with arrest warrants for both her and her husband.

Mr Phillips picked up the pen and started initialing each paragraph and signed the last page on the line provided.

I looked at Mrs Phillips and she picked up the pen and glared at me before signing and initialing.

"I hope that kid causes as much trouble for you as he did for me. Enjoy your little victory Karen DeMay, it's just one small battle and I have no doubt you'll lose the war since you obviously don't believe in God," Mrs Phillips said.

"I have no idea who Karen DeMay is ma'am, but since I happen to be the only one in this room who is a DeMay I'm guessing you mean me. For the record though, my name is Alexandra Kate DeMay, and was never Karen. You might think your god can protect you, but I assure you those you are hoping will be able to pull the string in this will find if they do try they will be facing jail time equal to, or greater than the jail time you'll get in the end," I said.

Mrs Phillips gave me a dirty look and stood turning to her husband and waited while he stood and opened the door to my office. She strutted out of my office dragging her husband behind her pausing at the front door only long enough for him to open the door.

I sat back in my chair and breathed a heavy sigh as I looked over the papers they signed surrendering their parental rights to all their children. Once I filed these papers with the courts in one week all their children would become wards of the state.

"Niki can you come in here please," I asked over the intercom.

"Did they sign?" Niki asked stepping in my office.

"I need you to look into doing a name change. Find out everything needed and then I want you to start working on getting one for Andrew Phillips Jr," I said.

"If I'm not mistaken all of their children will become wards of the state as soon as those papers are filed," Niki said.

"I don't know any of their other children, and Andrew is staying with Marc and I, but would rather be called Andrea than Andrew," I said.

"Are you planning on trying to adopt her?" Niki asked.

"Until these papers are filed that isn't possible, but yes I was thinking about it. Are you afraid of having a niece so close to your own age?" I asked.

"Not really, and if it has to be one of the Phillips kids I'm glad it's her not one of the others," Niki said.

Both Niki and Kathy seemed to know these people, but I avoided anyone not family from that neighborhood and especially that church since I left for college. All those years of abuse took a toll and I tried to distance myself since being able to get away.

"Niki see what you can do about what I asked. You and Judy will be on your own for a couple hours this afternoon and I do want to know what you found before the week is out," I said.

I needed to go to my therapy appointment soon, and since this was something I needed to finally be able to be the woman I am physically as well as mentally I didn't want to start off by being late even though I knew the person I was going to be seeing.

"What if we have a problem come up?" Niki asked.

"Deal with it the best you can until I get back. Niki if I ever hope to have my body align with my mind I can't be late for this, and if it means not getting this law office off the ground, I'll opt for wholeness of mind and body," I said.

"There's a lot I don't know about isn't there?" Niki asked.

"Niki, there's a lot I don't know about too, so do the best you can, and when I get back we can go over any problems that came up. If you need advise talk to Kathy, while I'm still not happy about the choices she made when I left for college, I do still trust her, and I promise I won't get angry if a decision you make isn't the same as I would have made," I said.

I gave her a hug and headed out the door. I needed to get out of the office and away from people who thought they had the world by the balls because of some stupid religion that preached love while practicing hate.

I drove around killing time before my appointment and found myself driving past mom and dads old house. I stopped and sat there watching the house wondering if this neighborhood was somewhere homeless people would be able to be accepted.

I looked at the clock in the radio and started the car placing it in gear. I looked to see if anyone was coming and released the brakes turning to get back on the travel part of the road.

I needed to hurry or I'd be late. I turned out of the housing area and saw Chelsea sitting on a bench looking lost and confused.

I wanted to help her, but she had shown she wasn't trustworthy and right now I was pressed for time. I started to turn and she looked up at me a bruise showing prominently on her left cheek. I completed my turn and motioned for her to get in the car if she wanted my help.

I waited just long enough to be sure she saw me and understood what I meant and when she still didn't move I left hoping whatever was wrong she would be alright.

I arrived at Tiffany's office with only a few minutes to spare and hurriedly checked in with her receptionist as Tiffany walked out of her office to see if I had shown up yet.

"Cutting it a little close weren't you?" Tiffany asked.

"This morning has been pure hell, but I'm here now and hope we can get this going," I said.

She showed me to her office and asked if there was anything I felt I needed to talk about. I sat there looking across the office seeing nothing so much as a blank wall.

"Tiffany how much do you know of my past?" I asked.

"Very little actually, I've met many people since graduating and setting up shop, but I don't think I've ever met anyone so closed about their past as you are," Tiffany said.

"I contacted you to set up this appointment for two reason. First if I ever hope to complete my transition and have a female body I need a couple referrals from people such as yourself, second I've been having flash backs that scare the hell out of me because it would be so easy to get lost in them and what I've used in the past to help isn't working any longer," I said.

"Alex the transition part is a no-brainer, anyone who knows you would be willing to give the referral, as for the other I'm concerned, mostly because I do know a little from our days as roommates in college and finding out you and Kathy are twins and some of the stories she's told me..." Tiffany said.

"Tiffany because of our friendship is it a good idea for you to be my therapist? Are you sure you'll be able to separate anything you learn from what you think you know and stay neutral?" I asked.

"I'd like to think I can, but from what Kathy has told me about the past I'm not sure I can, I would like to try, but if I find myself unable I promise I will stop and call in someone else to take over. I won't share anything I learn with anyone aside from another counselor if we do find I'm unable. Can we agree on that?" Tiffany asked.

"The abuse started when I was eight years old, and being a child I didn't really see it as abuse at the start," I said.

For the next hour we went over several things leading up to that day dad took me to that meeting and sent me into the girls restroom and told me to change throwing a package at me.

At the end of the first hour Tiffany looked exhausted, and I felt like I had just woken from a good nights sleep.

"Alex I hope you don't mind, but I am going to ask one of my colleagues to take over as your counselor," Tiffany said.

"That bad is it?" I asked.

"Tell me what you remember us talking about," Tiffany asked.

"Pretty much my life up until I was eight," I said.

"Then yes it's that bad, Alex I'm willing to be here as a friend, but I don't think I can help you find balance for all the abuse you suffered before you left here for college. I know there are a couple of my colleagues who have experience working with people who have been through some horrendous things and I think one of them might be better able to help. If you'll wait here I'm going to see if one of them can come in and talk to you," Tiffany said.

"Are they men or women?" I asked.

"The one I was going to see about is a woman, the other is a trans-man," Tiffany said.

Tiffany stepped out of the room and a few minutes later came back with a man I had never met.

"Alex I want you to meet Dr Stromberg, Dr Stromberg this is Alex DeMay," Tiffany introduced.

"Hello Alex, Tiffany said you have some problems well beyond her abilities, more because of the friendship you share than her lack of ability," Dr Stromberg said.

"If she says so, I'm sure she knows her own abilities better than I do, and it seems she also knows more about my history than I've told her, or at least am aware of telling her," I said.

"You don't remember telling her about being raped when you were only eight?" Dr Stromberg asked.

"I don't think we got that far, at least I don't remember getting that far," I said.

He asked a few more questions and said he would be willing to help me if I felt comfortable working with him. I listened to his voice every time he said anything hoping to detect any slip and heard only the voice of a man very sure of himself. He was short, but his build was nice for his height. Before I left he asked what I thought of working with someone who was transgender.

"Should I have a problem working with someone transgender Dr Stromberg?" I asked.

Tiffany started laughing about his question and my response.

"I guess I'm missing something here," Dr Stromberg said.

"Neal, Alex is a trans-woman and started the Pride Center locally," Tiffany said.

We all started laughing.

"Dr Stromberg, Tiffany said she would be willing to give me a referral for surgery, and I understand I need two such referrals, I know you don't know me very well, but I'm hoping in time you might be willing to give me the second referral," I said.

"I don't think that will be a problem Miss DeMay, now that I know who you are I'd be willing to write that referral today," Neal Stromberg said.

Both Tiffany and Neal wrote me referral letters for surgery and I tucked them in my purse hoping to start looking in to what surgeons did the surgery and how they rated along with wait time to get in for the surgery. I was determined to be female bodied before I got married and now I had the letters that would allow me that dream.

"I do have one more question for both of you. A young lady whom I will be receiving guardianship of within the next week is transgender and also suffered similar abuse to what I did, I would hate for her to have to live as long as I have without receiving help to deal with the abuse, and I would also like her to be able to be herself fully at as young an age as possible," I said.

"I'm guessing when you say similar abuse you mean similar as in the same type of abuse?" Dr Stromberg asked.

"That would be a fair assessment, yes," I said.

"You know for a fact that type of abuse was involved, but don't know if it was the only type?" Tiffany asked.

"There are a few differences I'm aware of, one being while I haven't been rejected by my family, at least not all of my family, she has been rejected by her family," I said.

"Alex until you have legal guardianship of her there is little we can suggest or do. For us to accept her without her guardians approval could cost us our license and then we wouldn't be any good to anyone," Dr Stromberg said.

I already knew the legal ramifications, but was looking more to find out if they would be willing to help her when those legal issues were worked out.

"Alex how do you know you'll be receiving guardianship of her?" Tiffany asked.

"Because her parents have already signed over their parental rights, but the papers haven't yet been filed with the courts. I have the finances to insure she's taken care of and she is currently staying with me now. Tiffany she started calling me mom Saturday of her own accord," I said.

"Is she one of those kids that were with you Friday night?" Tiffany asked.

"No, those kids are Marc's nieces and nephew, and as far as I can tell are very comfortable in the gender assigned at their birth," I said.

"And you and Marc already have custody of those kids?" Tiffany asked.

"Marc does, but since we aren't yet married... though they also have started calling me mom," I said.

Dr Stromberg walked out to the reception area with me and told them to see I got the next available appointment that didn't conflict with my schedule, unless my schedule was so over booked I couldn't get in for a couple weeks.

I let them know Wednesday was out of the question but after that I would schedule my days around whatever regular schedule they could manage as long as I didn't need to be in court, then I would have to make arrangements to either change my appointment or cancel until the next regularly scheduled appointment.

Dr Stromberg looked at me and started stammering.

"I'm a lawyer Dr Stromberg. I'm just setting up my own practice so for now my schedule is fairly free and I'll make sure once we develop a schedule here I'll work my schedule at the office accordingly, but I can't control court dates all the time so if I don't have someone available to fill in for me on those dates I'm afraid it will have to take precedence," I said.

"I guess you understood why we can't see this young lady yet better than we do?" Dr Stromberg asked.

"I don't know if I would say better, but I do understand and was asking to make sure I would be able to get her in when I do gain custody," I said.

"Can I ask a personal question?" Dr Stromberg asked.

"Sure, if I can reserve the right not to answer if I feel you have no need to know," I said.

"Are you the friend Tiffany always talks about that finished law school in six years and aced the bar exam the first time taking it?" Dr Stromberg asked.

"You need to ask her that question not me since I don't know how many lawyer friends she might have, but I can make an educated guess, and that would likely be a yes, since I did graduate law school in six years and only ever took the bar exam once and scored well enough to be able to practice law in any area and be recognized as a top attorney in that area of law. Out of school I practiced contract and constitutional law almost exclusively, though I did assist some of my associates with cases they had in other areas," I said.

"You must have quite a drive to prove yourself," Dr Stromberg said.

"I have three younger sisters I felt responsible for protecting from what I went through. When I graduated I was offered positions all over the country, many of which paid significantly more than the firm I accepted. But the firm I accepted was local and after the first year let me take my own cases and set my own prices. After my second year I had several companies that wanted to keep me on retainer at over one hundred thousand dollars a year," I said.

"On retainer?" Dr Stromberg asked.

"They paid for me to be available for any contracts they had either to negotiate or in dispute. The retainer fee was simply that a retainer, any work I did on contracts for them cost above the retainer fee. Generally I made five percent of any settlement," I said.

"I'm guessing you always won your cases?" Dr Stromberg asked.

"Not always, but I did always win a fair settlement even if I lost the suit," I said.

He didn't say anything for a while and started to ask another question.

"I'm sorry Dr, but I do need to get back to my office I didn't plan on being gone for this long and I still have some very important things to take care of so I can make my appointments here," I said.

## Chapter 27

When I got back to the office Judy said she had appointments with four of the men in the files and she was sure all four of them had been sentenced on purely circumstantial evidence and after doing a little research felt all of them were innocent.

"Judy tell me you made all four appointments for Wednesday," I said.

"Yes ma'am I did," Judy said.

"Thank you, I want you to get everything you can on all four cases, and make it a priority. I want everything so I can go over it before we go out to see those men," I said.

"Yes ma'am. Ma'am there were a couple calls from other attorneys while you were gone, they never said what they wanted only that they wanted to talk to you," Judy said, handing me a stack of messages.

I waited until she left before looking at the messages and found them to be from old classmates. I called some of them hoping to get them to come in as partners in the firm, and most of them seemed to be from those attorneys I called, some of them having called back a couple times.

The first on the list was also the first message and had called a couple times. Allen Jessup second in my graduating class.

"Allen Jessup Esquire, how may I help you?" his receptionist answered.

"Could you let Allen know Alexandra DeMay is returning his call," I said.

I was put on hold and almost immediately Allen was on the phone.

"Alex I've been trying to get a hold of you ever since getting the message you called," Allen said.

"I was calling to see how things were going, and possibly make you an offer," I said.

"Things are going rather well, I have a one hundred thousand dollar a year practice and growing, but from what I hear you did a hell of a lot better and retired after five years with enough your set for life," Allen said.

"I'm looking for partners, and was wondering if you might be interested. Right now I don't have many clients, but I'm sure when several of my old clients hear I'm back they'll be interested. For now about the best I can offer is office space and you bring your own clients. I do have a couple para-legals working for me and no doubt can find more without much trouble," I said.

"Do you have a receptionist?" Allen asked.

"If you want to bring your receptionist with they would be welcome. Allen I own the building we're in, but I'm letting the Pride Center use half of it since it is bigger than needed. If you bring your receptionist do you think she could handle answering calls for both our law firm and the Pride Center?" I asked.

"Have you got anyone else in mind for this kind of offer?" Allen asked.

"A couple others, one you should know since he graduated right behind you, and the others you might not know," I said.

"Your talking Brent? I heard he was representing your father or something," Allen said.

"I'm paying him to be counsel for my father and another man, I would have been willing to represent them, but unfortunately it would be a conflict of interest and Brent won't be able to join us until he's finished with that," I said.

"A conflict of interest?" Allen asked.

"I'm a key witness for the prosecution," I said.

"I don't think I want to know," Allen said.

"So what do you say? Care to join me in creating a top rank law firm?" I asked.

"I'm willing to see what you have. Is there a good time I can come by?" Allen asked.

"Whenever you'd like, but I won't be available on Wednesday," I said.

"I was hoping maybe this afternoon," Allen said.

I smiled since that was his way of telling me he wanted to accept my offer.

"Niki can you come in here please," I said over the intercom.

"You need something?" Niki said opening the door to my office.

"Do you think you could find a couple more para-legals?" I asked.

"I'm sure I could. Do you care if they're male or female?" Niki asked.

"I care they know what they're doing. Niki you'll be in charge of making sure they're doing their jobs, and if they don't have anything to do, have them helping in whatever capacity they can. If one of the attorneys working here fires one of them they will be fired and not eligible for rehire," I said.

"Would that include me?" Niki asked.

"Niki, I'm the only one who can fire you and I don't see that happening since you do have a good grasp on what it is I'm doing here. I want to give you what I didn't have, that's all I've ever wanted. To be able to give all my sisters better than I've had," I said.

Niki looked down finally understanding how much I was hurt by what happened while I was in school. The betrayal I felt at finding out they suffered rather than sharing with me and allowing me to help.

"Alex we just wanted the best for you. We knew if you were able to finish school you'd be someone the world would look up to, and we wanted that for you for everything you've suffered," Niki said, tears running down her cheeks.

"Do you think you can handle finding us a couple more para-legals, or am I going to have to see what I can do?" I asked.

"I'm pretty sure I can handle it, I think I know a couple more people from school who would love the opportunity and would work out as well as Judy," Niki said.

"Let's call it a day and start again in the morning," I said.

I waited while Niki let Judy know it was time to go home and stepped over to Kathy's office hoping she was still there.

"Your putting in some rather long hours," I said when I reached Kathy's office and saw her sitting behind her desk.

"Tell me about it," Kathy replied.

"I went to see Tiffany this afternoon, she said she couldn't help me, but one of the other people in her office likely could," I said.

"My understanding is everyone in that office is LGBT friendly," Kathy said.

"I did get my referral letters for surgery," I said.

"That's good," Kathy said.

"What if I said I'm not sure I want surgery any longer?" I asked.

"I'd say your lying to me. Whether you have surgery, or not, your still my sister and will always be my sister. As far back as I can remember you've always talked about one day having a female body," Kathy said.

"I've always said I wouldn't marry until I have a female body too. I'm just not sure it really matters any longer. All those years of abuse by those people and I had two desires. One was a female body and the other was protecting you and Niki from what they did to Jesse and me. I can't help wondering if anything matters anymore since I failed so badly in protecting you and Niki," I said.

"I don't ever want to hear you say something like that again. You did protect us for more years than either of us can begin to understand. We don't know the extent of what you went through for us and we never told you about what David did because we loved you and wanted you to finish school. As soon as you got back home David didn't dare continue since he knew he could never hide it for long and he was terrified of you. Niki and I never told you after you got home because we knew it would hurt you to find out and since it stopped we didn't see the point," Kathy said.

"Jesse is still alive. Marc is supposed to be trying to make arrangements for me to see her," I said.

"Then who was it we buried a year ago?" Kathy asked.

"I don't know, he told me she was alive and he wasn't supposed to, but apparently she has been asking for me," I said.

"You'll make sure to let her know we all love her?" Kathy asked.

"If I can I will," I said.

Kathy walked out with me and we gave each other a hug before getting in our cars to drive home. We both sat there and a car pulled in the lot parking in the empty spot behind us. I looked in the mirror and opened my door to get out and saw Kathy doing the same.

I walked to the back of my car and stood there waiting. Kathy came alongside me and we both watched to see if the driver was going to get out.

"Do you know who it is?" Kathy asked.

"I have a good idea who it is, but to say I know... if it is who I think it is every time I've tried talking to them today they've ignored me," I said.

We waited five minutes and both turned to get back in our cars to go home.

"Please Alex, I need to talk to you," Chelsea said, when I opened my car door.

"If you need to talk to me Chelsea then talk, chances are Kathy will find out about whatever it is we talk about," I said.

"He didn't turn himself in like you told him. I don't know where he is, but I know he isn't in jail and I'm scared," Chelsea said.

"So what do you want from me Chelsea? I already filed the charges against him so there's a warrant out for his arrest, that's about all I can do," I said.

"I was hoping maybe you could help me the same way you're helping Andrea," Chelsea said.

"I'm sorry Chelsea I can't. I was willing to give that kind of help Saturday, but all you seemed to care about was what you didn't and couldn't have. When we were out shopping you were more interested in clothes like what you're wearing now than in clothes that are proper and respectful of women. Like with all the friends other than Andrea you brought out to my home Friday night you have what I'm willing to give," I said.

"A hundred bucks! You spent more than that on a single dress for Andrea, and you bought her a whole new wardrobe," Chelsea said.

"What I did, or didn't do, for Andrea is between Andrea and myself. You've already shown you don't understand, or even have a clue what either Andrea or I have been through, and all you care about is that she might have more than you do. I didn't inherit the money I have, and I can share it with whom ever I choose to share it. If you don't like that you aren't someone I'm willing to share what I have with, maybe you need to step back and look at your life and see if you can figure out why I might not be willing," I said.

"You hate me for what my father did to you," Chelsea said.

"If that were true Andrea would likely be getting even less from me than you are since both her parents were involved in what happened. Think of it this way Chelsea. If your father isn't in jail it's because you didn't take him to the hospital to get his wounds tended. If you had done as I suggested and taken him to the hospital he would have been arrested as soon as you walked through the door. Thus far everyone involved in what your father did to me and others is receiving bail that even with all the money Marc and I have together we couldn't afford even at five percent," I said.

"Then why won't you help me?" Chelsea asked.

"Because you seem to be under the impression I owe you something. I'm not the one who came to your home and made threats. I'm not the one who destroyed the clothes of everyone you brought with you Friday night to make your threat. I'm not the one who Saturday afternoon brought someone to your home carrying a gun in an attempt to force you back into something you never wanted and never asked for, but when it started was too young to be able to stand up for yourself. I am however the one who offered you an easy way out of a situation similar to the one I had been in until I was finally big enough to stand up for myself, and had you reject that offer because you felt I owed you something," I said.

Chelsea gave me a dirty look and Kathy looked from Chelsea to me and back.

"Alex is there something I'm missing here?" Kathy asked.

"We can talk about it later. I was hoping maybe you and Jennifer could come over to dinner tomorrow night," I said.

Kathy nodded and got in her car and left.

"Alright Chelsea what is it you want?" I asked.

"They raped me when I took my father to them," Chelsea said.

"Who are the they you're talking about? Chelsea unless you're willing to go to the police with names, I'm afraid there isn't much I can do to help you. I won't enable you anymore than I already have," I said.

"They want me to bring you to them, they said if I brought you to them they would let me be a real girl," Chelsea said.

"A real girl? Chelsea you are either a real girl or you aren't and nothing anyone does or says can change that. Being a girl is in your head and your heart, not between your legs," I said.

"That's why you won't help me isn't it? Because you think I'm not a real girl?" Chelsea asked.

"You don't have to convince me of anything, only you know whether your a girl or boy and nothing anyone else thinks or says matters. Until you understand that you'll never be anything but what you accept yourself as," I said.

"I don't understand," Chelsea said.

"And that is why I refuse to help you. I can't define who you are, only you can do that. I'm willing to accept you for who you say you are, but if you're looking for me to tell you who you are you'll be waiting a long time," I said.

"Will you help me understand who I am?" Chelsea asked.

"I'm not qualified to do that, for that you need to talk to a qualified therapist, one who is willing to help you define yourself not one who tells you who you should be," I said.

"If I don't take you to them I'll never be the real me," Chelsea said.

"So you would rather trust people who would use and abuse you than take a chance on someone willing to accept you for who you are?" I asked.

"You don't understand!" Chelsea screamed at me rushing at me hoping to be able to catch me off guard.

I caught her in my arms and held her letting her know I wouldn't allow those men to have their way with me ever again, and if she was willing to get into therapy I would be willing to help her, but my help did come with strings now.

Chelsea pulled out of my embrace and ran back to her car tears streaming down her cheeks, crying that I didn't understand.

She started her car and backed out of the parking place she was in barely missing my car. As she turned out of the driveway I saw a police car come around the corner and flagged it down.

"Is there a problem ma'am?" the officer asked.

"The car that just left... no I'm sorry officer there isn't," I said.

The officer looked at me and shrugged.

"Ma'am you seemed concerned when you flagged us down," the other officer in the car said.

"How well do you know your partner?" I asked.

"I'm not sure I understand your question ma'am," the officer said.

"There is a problem but your partner is part of the problem, and as long as he's here I'll tell you there isn't one," I said.

The officer leaned in and asked his partner if he knew me. His partner said he didn't but if I wasn't going to share what the problem might be maybe they should take me into the station.

"Ma'am you do know it's a crime to stop a police officer while in their duties unless you have a legitimate problem?" the officer said standing back up.

"I know the law officer since I am an officer of the court, if you're threatening to arrest me I think you'll find yourself in the middle of a wrongful arrest suit that you have no hope of winning," I said.

The officer looked at me and asked my name.

"I'm Alexandra DeMay Esquire, we do happen to be just outside my offices and I'm sure my fiancée Marcus Adleson would be more than happy to bring the FBI in and close down the local police and arrest any and all officers who fail to comply with the strictest letter of the law," I said.

I saw the officer blanch at the mention of my name.

"I'm sorry Miss DeMay I didn't recognize you," the officer said getting back in his car quickly.

I didn't give Chelsea another thought as I got back in my car and headed for home.

Marc met me as soon as I pulled in the driveway and asked if I was up to going for a ride to visit someone.

"I just got home and haven't even seen the kids yet," I said.

"You said you wanted to see this person, and I had to pull some pretty big strings to get you the chance," Marc said.

I reached over and unlocked the passenger door for him.

"If you want we can take the kids with, but they won't let them in to see your sister," Marc said.

"Erica is still here isn't she? If so it would probably be better to let them stay here since I doubt we'll be gone that long," I said.

"If this visit works out they said they would let you visit whenever you want, but this visit is for an hour at most," Marc said.

Marc gave me directions to where Jesse was and I headed there knowing if we only visited for an hour it would be a total of two hours we'd be gone and since I cut my day short by a couple hours I didn't see that it would make much difference.

"How was your day?" Marc asked.

"Not to bad though Tiffany said she couldn't help me other than giving me a referral for surgery," I said.

"So your looking for a new therapist and only after one visit," Marc kidded.

"I didn't say that. She said she wasn't qualified, but some of her colleagues were," I said.

We arrived at the address Marc gave me and he came around and offered me a hand getting out of the car.

"I haven't seen her in more than two years," I said.

"I understand. She has been asking about you though. It seems your about the only one in your family she has asked about," Marc said.

"She didn't ask about Kathy? Her and Kathy were close before the abuse started," I said.

"Unless Kathy has another name I don't know about, she has only asked about you," Marc said.

"Andrea. Kathy's first name is Andrea, I was the only one who called her Kathy for years," I said.

"I guess that could be the other name she has been saying though I don't think anyone has ever been able to figure it out," Marc said.

We had to pass through a security check point and they gave me a strange look when I removed several of the stars I was carrying. Marc gave me a strange look as well but didn't seem at all surprised. Once through the security check point a guard lead us through the halls to the room Jesse was in. I looked through the glass in the door and wanted to cry.

"Why is she tied up like that?" I asked making note of how she was bound to a chair.

"For your safety ma'am," the guard said.

"Unless you let her free I'll start tearing this place apart. She's no danger to me, and unless you're giving her some kind of medication she shouldn't be a danger to anyone else either," I said.

"I'm sorry ma'am, but the orders are no one gets in there unless she's confined like that," the guard said.

The guard opened the door and I walked over to Jesse and started undoing her restraints.

"Ma'am you can't do that," the guard protested.

I gave him a dirty look and continued undoing the restraints, the whole time looking Jesse in the eye so she knew I wasn't going to hurt her.

"It's been a long time Jesse, I've missed you," I said.

"Karen?" Jesse asked.

"No one calls me that any longer sis, now I go by my first name," I said.

"They told me David's dead," Jesse said.

"That's right sis. He kidnapped Niki and someone named Erica and tried to rape them in my home. I killed him because he fought being arrested," I said.

"You always did say you were going to kill him for what he did to us, if he ever tried doing it to Andrea or Niki," Jesse said.

"Jesse I need you to come back, I need my big sister again," I said.

"I... I'm afraid," Jesse said.

"I know you are, but you don't need to be afraid any longer. I won't let anyone ever hurt you again," I said.

"I wasn't able to be strong like you. I tried, but it hurt so much," Jesse said.

"I'm here now sis, I'm strong enough now, none of them can hurt you again," I said.

"They said they need me to tell them what they did to us. I can't sis, I... I..." Jesse started crying.

"I'm here now sis, and I can tell them everything, but I need you to come back, because I need my big sister again," I said.

She looked in my eyes and saw the tears forming in my eyes.

"Please my baby Alex, don't cry big sis is here now," she said a smile forming on her lips.

Jesse and I talked for what seemed hours me holding her in my lap as she started talking about everything we had both been through. I looked out the door and saw Marc standing there and knew everything we said was being recorded and he was listening to every word.

I knew we had gone well beyond the hour Marc told me I would have, but Jesse seemed to want to talk and I couldn't refuse to listen as long as no one said anything.

Jesse was looking tired and I did need to get home to the kids. I gave Jesse a hug and told her I would come visit again as soon as I could. We gave each other a kiss, and I told her Kathy said to let her know she loves her and misses her too.

"Alex who is that man standing by the door?" Jesse asked before I opened the door.

"His name is Marc Adleson, he's the one who arranged for me to meet with you, and is also my fiancée," I said.

"I don't think I could ever find a man attractive after what we suffered through," Jesse said.

"I didn't think I could either, but Marc and I have been through a lot together too, and I just can't seem to not love him, though I have tried a few times," I said.

"Does he have any kids?" Jesse asked.

"His wife and daughter were killed, now he has his nieces and nephew. His sister and her husband were killed in a car accident a few days ago," I said.

"What about you? Do you have, or want kids?" Jesse asked.

"You always said you thought I'd make a great mother, I love kids and Marc's nieces and nephew are already calling me mom, plus there's a teenager calling me mom who like me is transgender," I said.

"You'll make a great mom sis, I know you need to go, but I did enjoy our visit and hope to have many more, but seeing those scares I feel we might never have had this one if not for someone looking out for you," Jesse said.

"Those scares are a very long story and if you'll work on coming back fully I'll tell it one day," I said giving her another hug before opening the door.

Marc and I drove home in silence. Since he heard everything Jesse and I talked about, I knew he had some questions, but I wasn't going to try guessing what they were.

I turned into the driveway and parked in the same place I had since Marc and I moved here.

"I... I'm sorry Alex," Marc said.

"Sorry for what Marc? None of what we talked about involved you," I said.

"I'm sorry because I didn't understand why you were acting the way you have been lately. Now I think I understand why a little better," Marc said.

"Now do you understand why it has become so important for me to find someone capable of helping me through those memories so I don't get lost in them?" I asked.

He nodded he did, but the confusion in his face told me he didn't understand, he couldn't believe I managed to go so long seeming to be normal.

"Tell me something Marc. Are all the people working at that place men?" I asked.

"I don't know," Marc answered.

"If the only people working there are men, Jesse will never recover as long as she's there. She doesn't trust men and may never be able to trust men because of what was done to her," I said.

"They want her to testify against those men," Marc said.

"She can't, to force her to testify would destroy her completely. I don't care if they use the recording of the conversations I have with her, but if they ever try putting her on the witness stand they might as well kill her now," I said.

"And what about you? What would testifying do to you? Alex I know your strong, but are you that strong?" Marc asked.

"I don't know Marc, I want justice against those men and if it destroys me to see they get what they deserve I'll do whatever it takes, I don't want my sisters to suffer because I was too weak to do whatever it takes to protect them," I said.

"You've found a new balance haven't you?" Marc asked.

"I need to see the kids. This conversation is one that could have taken place on the drive back home," I said.

"That's your balance now isn't it? Making sure the kids never know how ugly life can be because of religious bigots?" Marc asked.

I opened my door and slid out of the car leaving Marc sitting there trying to figure out the answer to his own question.

I walked in the door and Angela almost tackled me, wrapping her arms around my legs.

"I've missed you little one," I said tears threatening to spill from my eyes at any moment.

Marc came in behind me taking Angela in his arms and closing the door.

Lindsey and Andrea were both standing by the door when I came in, but neither of them moved when Angela hugged me. When Marc took Angela I turned back to the door and ran out to the barn standing at the rail by the pasture.

"Uncle John said he was taking you to see one of your sisters," Lindsey said.

I nodded, but otherwise didn't respond.

"I love you mom," Lindsey said.

"Why do you call me mom Lindsey? According to both Marc and Erica you never called your mother, mom," I asked.

"I tried a few times, but she didn't like being called mom until after Marc was born and by then calling her mom didn't seem right. You seem to like it when I call you mom and it does feel right since I know you'll do all you can to help me," Lindsey said.

The tears started rolling down my cheeks and I turned taking Lindsey in my arms hugging her tight.

"Mom are you ok?" Lindsey asked.

"I'll be fine sweetheart, I'll be better than fine I just need a little time. And what about you Andrea, why did you start calling me mom?" I asked.

I turned and saw her standing there staring off across the pasture as I had been doing.

"I... my mother demanded we call her mom, but she got mad if we didn't live by her expectations. Since I met you, I've felt like I could be whoever I wanted and it would be ok. That seems like something a mom should do and if felt right," Andrea said.

I pulled her into the hug and thanked both of them.

"I love you mom," both girls said together.

"I love you too," I said.

I released the hug and together we headed back to the house.

Erica was just getting ready to leave when we walked back in and I thanked her for being willing to help with the kids.

"Alex I know I'll never fully understand what's going on, but I don't remember ever seeing Marc happier than he is now, and I know as long as you're willing to be these kids mom they'll do great," Erica said.

I gave her a hug and thanked her again.

After Erica left I headed for the kitchen to find Marc and the older girls busy fixing something for dinner and rather than getting in the way asked Andrea if she could keep an eye on the two younger children while I took a shower and changed.

The water felt so good running over me, the troubles of the day seemed to vanish. From the shower I checked again to see if dinner was ready to find everyone sitting in the living room watching a movie I had seen several times and never understood each time I watched it.

I got Lindsey's attention and asked if she wanted to head out to the barn with me and go over some of the exercises to learn martial arts.

"You don't mind me calling you mom do you?" Lindsey asked.

"Not in the least. If you want to learn it takes a strong desire and a lot of discipline," I said.

I showed her a few of the basic moves and told her she needed to practice them until they became second nature. When she could call on those moves without thought she would be ready to learn more, and one day she would be as good, or maybe even better than I am.

I worked on sharpening my stars while she practiced the moves I showed her. At first the moves seemed awkward to her and hard to do, after fifteen minutes of doing them she no longer looked awkward and even looked as natural doing them as I felt when I did them.

Twenty minutes after starting I started tossing stars through her moves in an attempt to break her concentration. When the first star hit the wall she jumped and I smiled at her and let her know she needed to learn to be aware of everything around her while doing her exercises, because in a fight anything was possible and if something surprises you and you jump you've already lost.

"But how do you be aware of everything all the time?" Lindsey asked.

"By calming your mind. Listen to the horses, can you tell what they're doing just from the sound? Feel your heart beat, can you count the rhythm of the beating? In time as you become aware of each thing and each move you'll find they come into harmony with everything around you. That's how you become aware of everything around you," I said.

"I don't know if I'll ever learn if I have to do all that," Lindsey said.

"It takes time sweetheart, it looks like dinner's ready, am I right Andrea?" I asked.

"Dad asked me to come let you know it was almost ready. Mom how did you know I was here?" Andrea asked.

"The horses told me," I said.

Andrea and Lindsey both gave me a funny look.

Dinner was good, but I still wasn't sure what it was. The girls offered to do the dishes and I smiled letting them help where they were able.

"Marc how long has my sister been in that hospital?" I asked.

He gave me a questioning look, before answering.

"I'm not sure, but I know she's receiving the best of care," Marc said.

"The best of care? They had her bound to a chair when we got there. If that's the best of care I'd hate to think what else they might do saying it's the best," I said.

"That was for your safety and hers. I'm sure that won't happen again," Marc said.

"They have all men trying to work with her don't they? Marc, it was men who abused her. She doesn't understand, and seeing men terrifies her so much she becomes a threat to herself and those men," I said.

"What are you suggesting?" Marc asked.

"I'm suggesting that we have the room here and she wouldn't feel as threatened so she would more likely make better progress at getting well," I said.

"Alex they'll never go for something like that. She needs around the clock care, and we can't be here all the time. What about the kids? How safe would they be if she falls back and becomes violent?" Marc asked.

"Marc I can afford the best care for her. I'm sure we can find people willing to come out here during the day to help with her, people who won't cause her to get scared so she might lash out. The kids won't be a threat so they shouldn't be a problem and might even be able to help her recover more quickly," I said.

## Chapter 28

Marc didn't understand my sister and sometimes I wondered if he understood me. For years my sister had been abused by men she was told she should trust. Now the government comes in and takes her away from everything she knows, everyone she learned to trust, and for what? In hopes of getting her to testify against the men who abused her? No, there had to be more to this than that. If they needed someone to testify they had me and I knew Andrea would if I asked, so Jesse wasn't needed to testify.

During our visit she filled in a few of the names I couldn't remember, and Andrea's birth parents names were among them as were Chelsea's parents names.

"Marc I promised Mr and Mrs Phillips that if they would sign over their parental rights for Andrea I would give them until next Monday before I turned them in," I said.

"I'm sorry Alex, but all the names mentioned will have warrants issued before close of business tomorrow, either for their arrest or for questioning. There's nothing I can do about it," Marc said.

"Let me know when they're picked up, because my promise was that I wouldn't say anything and since Jesse is the one who said their names... once they're picked up I'll be filing the papers and at least trying to get custody of her," I said.

"I'm sure I can manage that," Marc said.

"Did you know she's calling you dad?" I asked.

"What? Are you sure?" Marc asked.

"When Lindsey and I were out in the barn she came out and said dad asked her to find us and let us know dinner was ready," I said.

Marc's posture changed his shoulders went back and a smile formed on his lips. It was obvious he loved Andrea as much as I did, and would do all he could to protect her as his own daughter.

I heard a noise outside the study and turned just in time to see Andrea head down the hall toward the stairs to her room.

I followed her and stopped outside her door and listened. It sounded like she was inside crying and I didn't want to disturb her right away.

After a few minutes the crying sounds stopped and I looked around the corner to find her door closed.

"Andrea are you alright?" I asked tapping on her door.

"I... give me a minute," she said the noise of her trying to straighten up a little coming through the door.

I turned the nob and pushed gently letting her have a little more time to finish if she needed it.

"Is everything alright sweetheart?" I asked when I opened the door far enough to see inside the room.

"I... I just want you to know I feel loved here. Mom I don't ever remember feeling like I belong before, and you and dad have..." Andrea's words got lost in the tears running down her cheeks.

I took her in my arms and rubbered her back while she cried.

"You heard me say I was going to file the papers stripping your mother and father of their parental rights as soon as I get word they've been arrested?" I asked.

She nodded and pulled back a little.

"But why won't you adopt me instead of just seeking custody?" Andrea asked.

"Gaining custody will be easier dear. That doesn't mean I won't also file for adoption, it simply means with custody I can get you into the doctors and get you registered for school," I said. I smiled hoping to get her to smile whether she stopped crying or not.

"So you really do want to be my mom?" Andrea asked.

"Yes Andrea, if that's what you want then by all means I want to be your mom," I said.

"But why won't you teach me karate like your doing for Lindsey?" Andrea asked.

"Oh hunny, I'll be happy to teach you, but I wasn't sure you wanted to learn martial arts," I said.

"I do mom. I want to be able to protect myself and my sisters just like you can do," Andrea said.

"How about if we start tomorrow when I get home from work then," I said.

Andrea smiled and I hugged her letting her know it was getting late and she should turn in soon.

In the morning everyone seemed happier than the previous day and I wondered what the day held hidden. Would Marc talk to them about letting Jesse come live with me, or would he just tow the government line and accept whatever the government said was best? I hoped he trusted me, but he did avoid my questions about Jesse if he could.

Erica said she would be over about ten, and I knew Marc needed to leave no later than seven. I didn't really have much scheduled, but I still needed to be in the office no later than nine.

"Lindsey, Andrea is there anyway the two of you can keep things going here until Aunt Erica can get here? She said she would be here about ten," I asked.

"Mom, you won't forget your promise last night will you?" Andrea asked.

"Take care of things until Aunt Erica gets here and I'll teach both of you when I get home," I said.

Lindsey and Andrea smiled and promised they'd make sure both Angela and little Marc were dressed and had breakfast and the dishes were done before Erica got there.

When I got to the office I was the first one there with keys to open the doors. Since Niki, Judy, and Nancy were all there and Elizabeth pulled in right behind me I decided it was time to get a few more people a set of keys.

I asked Niki to come in my office, when I got the door open and tossed the keys to Niki and asked her to please get enough copies made to go around and a few extras just in case.

Judy headed straight for the office her and Niki shared and I assumed she would continue with her work from the previous day.

"Alex there's a call for you on the Pride Center line," Elizabeth said.

I looked at Niki and waited for her to step out of my office before picking up the phone.

"This is Alexandra DeMay," I said.

"Ms DeMay I've been going over your visit with Jessica DeMay last night, and was hoping you could come in as soon as possible. After your visit she was doing very well, but this morning she's refusing to allow anyone in her room and keeps screaming that you promised no one would ever hurt her again," the voice on the other end of the phone said.

"If I come I won't be alone and after I get Jesse settled down I will be giving some conditions if you ever hope to receive my help again," I said.

"Ma'am at the moment we'd be willing to accept almost any conditions if you can get her to settle down," the voice said.

I hung up the phone and stepped out of my office just in time to stop Niki from leaving.

"Niki would you have Judy get those keys cut and find your twin sister and meet me at your car in five minutes," I said.

I walked back in my office picking up my purse and checking to insure nothing was left out for someone to see that shouldn't be. I locked my office door on the way back out and asked Elizabeth if she could handle things until Kathy or I got back, I let her know Judy would be there once she finished the errand I had for her, but Kathy, Niki, Nancy and I would likely be gone until noon at the earliest.

Kathy pulled in when I reached Niki's car holding out my hand for Niki to hand me her keys.

Niki looked at me like she didn't have a clue what I wanted and I gave her a disgusted look.

"Niki you can either give me the keys to your car or I'll get in Kathy's car and leave you here to do what I asked earlier," I said.

"It isn't my car, this is Nancy's car and she told me no one drives it but her," Niki said.

"Alright, Nancy give me the keys," I said.

"You have your own car," Nancy said.

"Fine, do you want to ride in the backseat of my car?" I asked.

"There is no backseat in your car," Nancy said with indignation.

"Then give me the keys so I can drive," I said.

"Are you going to beat me up if I don't?" Nancy asked.

"Kathy do you remember what I told you last night before we left?" I asked as Kathy came over to see what was going on.

"I remember, why?" Kathy asked.

"Because if Nancy would be kind enough to give me the keys to her car it's big enough to hold all of us, something neither yours nor mine is big enough to do, so we can all go see her," I said.

"Give her the keys Nancy," Kathy said.

"But... it's my car I bought it," Nancy protested.

"And if anything happens to it I have no doubt Alex would be willing to replace it with something even nicer," Kathy said.

Nancy finally gave me the keys and I slid behind the wheel and waited for the others to get in, Nancy insisted on sitting in the front seat beside me and Kathy and Niki on the center bench. I heard Niki asking Kathy where we were going and almost laughed when Kathy said she had no idea only that all of us would want to be there.

I pulled up to the security gate and told the guard who I was and was passed through without question. I parked close to the same place I had the night before and was out of the car almost before the others had their doors open.

"If you guys don't hurry a little you'll be stuck out here having to wait for the rest of us to get back," I said

Nancy was second out of the car and I tossed her back her keys while waiting for Niki and Kathy to get out.

As the last door closed on the car I started off for the main entrance of the building and was met just inside the door.

"Ms DeMay we're so glad you could get here so fast, she has almost trashed her entire room and somehow gotten a hold of a knife and actually cut one of the attendants," the security guard said.

"These are my other sisters they'll be coming with," I said.

"Of course Ms DeMay, just hurry before she can do any more damage," the guard said.

The guard took us straight to Jesse's room without asking me to remove all my stars this time.

"You aren't going to ask me if I have any weapons this time?" I asked.

"Would it do any good, we thought you removed them all last night, but the guard that asked you not to remove the restraints said you still had at least one, that apparently wasn't metal," the guard said.

"Good point, and your right I did still have a few of them," I said.

He unlocked the door and ran back down the hall.

"Are you sure it's safe in there Alex?" Niki asked watching the guard running down the hall.

"Of course it's safe in there, Jesse wouldn't hurt any of us, but she does hate men because of what David and others did to her," I said.

"Jesse? Jesse died almost a year ago," Nancy said.

I opened the door and Jesse was standing there with hate in her eyes ready to hurt anyone who dared try entering her room.

"Is that any way to greet your sisters Jesse?" I asked.

"Alex? Alex I want to get out of here, please Alex don't make me stay here anymore," Jesse said tears streaming down her cheeks.

Kathy walked in behind me and Jesse started crying even harder.

"Andrea I've missed you so much, I'm so glad your here, please Andrea, tell Alex she has to get me out of here, I promise I'll be good. I promise I won't cause any more trouble, just let me come home," Jesse said.

"Jesse I don't use my first name any longer, I'm surprised Alex didn't tell you," Kathy said.

Jesse made a face as though trying to remember something, then apologized to Kathy and called her by her middle name.

"I'm sorry I forgot, Alex did tell me, she said you prefer being Kathy now," Jesse said.

Niki and Nancy both walked in the room and Jesse gave them a funny look.

"Jesse this is Niki and Nancy or baby sisters remember?" I asked.

"Niki, and Nancy? I remember you telling me about them, but their so big now," Jesse said.

"They're all grown up now, or rather they think they are," I said winking at Niki and Nancy.

Niki stuck her tongue out at me and Jesse laughed.

"It seems so long ago," Jesse said.

"Jesse can you visit with the others I need to go talk to the people running this place," I said.

"You'll be back won't you?" Jesse asked.

"As soon as I can, but I really need to talk to these people, or things won't change for a while," I said.

I stepped out of the room and watched as Jesse started to panic. Kathy gave her a hug and told her I'd be back since Nancy was the one who drove earning Kathy a dirty look from Nancy.

Jesse calmed back down and I headed down the corridor in the direction we had come, in hopes of finding someone to talk to about getting Jesse out of this place to somewhere she could get the help she needed to get well.

"Excuse me ma'am do you work here?" someone asked.

"No, I was hoping to find someone in charge about one of the people locked up here," I said.

"This isn't a prison ma'am," they said.

"So your telling me they're free to go?" I asked.

"I didn't say that, who are you?" they asked.

"If you aren't someone in charge I don't see what difference it makes who I am since you haven't felt the need to identify yourself either," I said.

"You sound like a lawyer," they said.

"Will you tell me how to find someone or are you going to just stand there trying to insult me by making innuendos, that mean very little?" I asked.

"I'm the head on this floor, my name is Chris," they said.

"So you make the decision about the people on this floor, do you Chris?" I asked.

"In some things yes," Chris said.

"My name is Alexandra DeMay, I want to talk to someone about getting my sister Jessica DeMay out of here," I said.

"Ms DeMay I'm not sure there's anyone here able to help you with that kind of request, I know I can't, and I'm not sure who might be able to," Chris said.

"Then perhaps you can answer another question for me. The people here working with my sister, are they all male?" I asked.

"This floor is for the most dangerous people we have here, so everyone we have working this floor is male," Chris said.

"Then you'll always have problems with my sister. Chris, she was abused for years by men who she should have been able to trust, and I doubt she'll ever trust another man as long as she lives," I said.

He looked at me and finally understood what no one was willing to say.

Nancy came running down the hall calling my name.

"What is it Nancy?" I asked when she was close enough I didn't have to shout for her to hear.

"It's Jesse, someone came in after you left saying it was time for her shot. Kathy and Niki are running interference trying to get her settled back down, but she's stronger than they are and she keeps trying to hide behind the bed," Nancy said.

"Excuse me Chris, but it sounds like my sister needs me," I said.

I headed back down to the room my sisters were in and found the guy wanting to give Jesse a shot standing just inside the door.

"What's in that needle?" I asked.

"Medicine to calm her down," the man said.

"You people are keeping her drugged?" I demanded.

"It's the only way to keep her from hurting herself or others," the man said.

"Get the hell out of here now or I can guarantee Jesse is the last person you'll need to worry about hurting someone," I said, walking fully into the room.

"I have to give her a shot, she's too dangerous without one," the man said.

"You really think she's dangerous? Maybe you should ask Niki there how dangerous I am, I'm sure she would be all to happy to tell you how her brother died, and I promise killing him was very easy and you're even less important to me than he was," I said.

"No one is allowed weapons on this floor," the man said.

"Yes, so I've heard and the last time I was here they did try taking all my weapons and found out they missed a few and this time they didn't even try," I said palming a couple stars and making sure he saw them.

The man took off like he was on fire and I turned to Jesse.

"Jessica Marie whatever am I going to do with you?" I asked not expecting an answer.

Jesse looked at me fear in her eyes that I would call her by her full name.

"Please, I'll try to do better," Jesse whimpered.

"Oh, sweetheart I'm not angry with you, but I hoped that our sisters would have been able to give you a little more confidence in yourself than I'm seeing," I said.

"I... please Alex I just want to go home," Jesse said.

"I need to talk to some people to make that happen and if you can't sit here with our sisters peacefully while I'm gone to make the arrangements it won't happen," I said.

I turned and saw Chris standing there watching Jesse bow to my wishes, something apparently no one else had been able to get her to do.

"You see Chris she knows she's safe with me, but that I won't brook any nonsense from her either," I said.

"In the six months she has been here it has been impossible to get her to talk to anyone," Chris said.

"I'm not just anyone. I was there when the abuse started and found a way of overcoming the abuse, and becoming strong enough to protect the rest of my sisters, even Jesse. She's willing to listen to me because I've earned her trust, I've earned her respect," I said.

"She's here because of the abuse, she's a key witness," Chris said.

"No she isn't. Yes she knows the names better than I do, but I remember the faces better and am better able to testify than she is, since I could handle the cross examination better without it throwing me back into the situation Jesse is in now," I said.

"You were there from the beginning? But it was our understanding she was one of the first and the only one to survive this long," Chris said.

"Neither of us were even close to the first, but when it comes to when the abuse started for her and I, it started for me a few years before it did for her. I was eight years old and she was almost fifteen. I did everything I could to insure none of my sisters ever had to go through what I was going through, but I was only a child at the time and knew nothing of fighting. I almost gave in when I found out our brother was dragging her into it. Within a year Jesse reverted back to the small girl she had been before the abuse started whereas I was able to stay strong with the hopes of protecting our other sisters. To my child mind I deserved what those men were doing, because I was broken, but my sisters weren't broken like I was. My senior year of high school I learned a little kick boxing, and was able to start fighting back," I said.

"Then your an ever better witness than she is?" Chris asked.

"Chris I want her out of here. I'm able to take care of her, and get her the best care possible. I have more than enough money that even if I don't go back to work I'm set for life," I said.

Niki gave me a dirty look, but didn't say anything. Kathy came over putting her arm around my shoulders as though telling me she would always be there to help if I needed. Nancy did much the same to Niki and Jesse started crying hoping she would finally be getting out of the hell she was in now after having been through a different hell for so many years before.

"I wish I could allow you to take Jessica out of here, but without orders saying you can I just don't dare let you. Ma'am I can see she's happier with all of you being here than she has been since coming here, there still just isn't much I can do," Chris said.

"You could talk to those who can do something. You could let them know it would be in the best interest of everyone if Jessica was released into my custody. Chris she would be staying with my family which includes Marc Adleson the lead investigator in the case," I said.

"Your the one everyone is talking about? I know Marc and that since his wife died he has been anything but pleasant to be around. Word is he has a new woman in his life and he seems even more content than any time when Ellen was still alive," Chris said.

"He loved Ellen very much and so did I. While I never actually met Marc until after Ellen was killed I did know about him from the stories Ellen told. Even after meeting Marc I didn't know Ellen had been his wife because she always called him by his first name of John," I said.

"It will take me a little time to make the call, but I think there should be something we can do about Jessica no later than this afternoon," Chris said.

I looked at all my sisters and said it might not be a bad idea if most of us got back to work. I knew I could call Marc to come get me if I needed, and since it seemed I was the only person able to handle Jesse it seemed only natural I be the one to stay.

"Kathy why don't you see everyone gets back to work and I'll stay here until we know something. I'll call when I find out what's going on, but I'll probably call Marc to pick me up since I know he can get through the gate without any problems," I said.

Kathy walked over to Niki and Nancy and put an arm around each of them and headed for the door. Niki kept looking back I was sure wondering if I was going to become a stay at home mom rather than continue setting up a law firm.

"Niki," I said stopping Niki in her tracks. "I expect you to find those para-legals we talked about so we can have someone covering the office while we're dealing with the appointments Judy's making," I said.

Niki smiled and ran to catch up with Kathy and Nancy.

An hour after Kathy, Niki and Nancy left, Marc walked in and I saw Jesse tense as though to get away from him as far as she could.

"For you to come home Jesse means you'll need to get use to Marc being around, he is after all my fiancée, so he will be around every day," I said.

Jesse relaxed a little and Marc came in the room farther putting his arm around my waist.

"Jesse I want you to meet Marc," I said and turned to Marc. "Dear this is Jesse my oldest sister and one of my best friends," I said.

Jesse lit up at me calling her one of my best friends even more than me calling her my oldest sister.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Jessica, Alex has told me a lot about you, so I feel I already know you a little," Marc said holding out his hand.

Jesse looked at me and reluctantly took Marc's hand. Rather than simply shaking Jesse's hand Marc raised it to his lips giving it a kiss.

Jesse blushed at the gesture, and I felt a ray of hope that one day she might again be whole.

"I just got word from the Attorney Generals office that if you're up to the task they'll release Jesse into your custody," Marc said.

"Then we need to get her checked out of here. Marc I know there'll be a few problems, but I don't think they'll be as bad as the problems here have been. I know the kids will love having Jesse around and it will give Erica a break once Jesse is familiar with things at home," I said.

"Can I go home now Alex?" Jesse asked.

"It will be my home Jesse, but yes you can come home now," I said.

"I guess Marc will be there a lot, won't he?" Jesse asked.

"Jesse, Marc and I both work and are gone much of the day, but there will always be someone there, and you can call me or Kathy any time you need. I'll make sure the phone numbers are where you can always find them," I said.

Marc took care of whatever paperwork there was so all I had to do is sign my name when we were ready to leave. Jesse insisted on sitting as far away from Marc as she could and I had Marc take us back to my office since it would mean less time with Marc in the car.

At my office I insisted on going in and Jesse gave me a dirty look until she saw Nancy sitting in the reception area and Kathy headed back to her office. I let her go in the same direction Kathy was headed and instead headed for my office unlocking the door.

"Ma'am someone named Allen Jessup called and wanted to talk to you about your offer," Judy said as I opened the door to my office.

"I'll call him as soon as I get in my office. Judy the keys you were supposed to get cut for me?" I asked.

"I gave them to Niki when she got back, I figured she would know what to do with them," Judy said.

"Thank you Judy. Do you know if Niki has hired anymore people yet?" I asked.

"She said she wanted you to meet them first, but I think she has three of our classmates wanting to come to work here," Judy said.

"Tell her if she thinks they're qualified to hire them, I don't have time to do interviews when I know between you and her you'll be able to find what we're looking for," I said.

I went in my office and sat down picking up the phone only to set it down again.

Did I really want to set up a law office? What about Jesse? I knew I could handle her, but would she be willing to let Erica help out at home so I'd be able to work again?

I took out my cell phone and called Allen.

"Allen Jessup Esquire, may I help you?" Allen's wife answered.

"This is Alexandra DeMay, I'm returning Allen's call," I said.

I waited a minute and Allen was on the phone.

"Alex, I've given your offer some thought and am very interested, I was hoping we could get together and talk face to face," Allen said.

"The offer stands Allen. Right now the firm is simply DeMay legal services, but I'd love to change that to DeMay, Jessup and associates," I said.

"When would be a good time to meet?" Allen asked.

"I'll be in my office for at least another hour if you have time to come by," I said.

"Your office is where?" Allen asked.

"You know where the Pride Center is? They have one side of the building I have the other," I said.

"I can be there in ten minutes," Allen said.

I hung up and pulled out the file for Snakes case, and read it over trying to find anything that might make it worth seeking an appeal. Snake was one of the few people I met while in prison I trusted without reserve, I knew he was guilty of what landed him out there, but I hoped to find something that might reduce his sentence since I saw him as a friend.

I called out to Nancy and let her know when Allen got there to show him into my office and sat back in the chair closing my eyes hoping the world might make sense if I concentrated hard enough.

There was a tap on my door and Allen walked in followed by Niki with the keys Judy had gotten cut and a couple files she said were people she was sure would be able to do whatever was needed.

I asked if she hired them yet and she gave me a dirty look and I just sat there staring at her.

"I really wish you'd talk to them and decide you want them," Niki said.

"Niki your name is on the door as much as mine is, unless your no longer going by DeMay," I said.

She stuck her tongue out at me and I started laughing.

I invited Allen in and asked him to please close the door.

## Chapter 29

The meeting with Allen was short and productive. He had several clients he'd be bringing with him, and said his wife was more than willing to help in reception, but wanted to become a full-time mother if at all possible.

I smiled and asked if working part-time was an option, like during the time the kids were in school, and he smiled saying he was sure that wouldn't be a problem at least until we found someone else capable of taking over full-time.

I asked if he knew anyone else besides Brent who might be interested in joining us, and he knew a couple people who would be excited to be able to work with us and not have their names on the door.

I told him I didn't have a problem as long as they understood any and all major decisions came from him, Brent and myself and if they ever had a problem with it they'd find themselves looking for somewhere else faster than they could turn around.

Our meeting lasted about an hour and I knew I needed to get Jesse home or she was likely to start causing problems for either me or Kathy.

"Allen your welcome to move your office over here any time you want," I tossed him a key to the front door and told him Niki and Judy would show him the offices available and see he had a key to his office.

"You put a lot of faith in those two para-legals you have," Allen said.

"Why shouldn't I? Niki is my little sister and I think her and Judy are thinking of getting married," I said.

Allen laughed and headed out of my office as Niki came in again.

"Niki, show Allen the available offices so he can pick one and see he gets the key to it," I said.

"I take it he's a lawyer?" Niki asked.

"He graduated right behind me, so yes he's a lawyer already," I said.

"But not as good as my sister," Niki said ducking out of my office before I could say anything.

I went looking for Jesse and found her in Kathy's office.

"Are you about ready to go home Jesse?" I asked.

"Kathy said she has lots of things I could do here to help," Jesse said.

I looked over at Kathy and she smiled letting me know it would be mostly just things to keep Jesse busy if I wanted.

"I was thinking about all the offices we have here that could use a good cleaning, and there is a lot of filing that needs to be done," Kathy said.

"I could put in a couple more hours if your sure you don't mind," I said.

"Please, Alex I want to help," Jesse said.

"I'm sure we have plenty of offices on the other side of the building as well and I do believe there's a better chance of me filling them than Kathy filling the ones over here. If you want to get with Niki and Judy they can probably tell you which ones we'll need first. I'm afraid the pay isn't very good right now, but once we're set up it could improve," I said.

Niki was more than happy to let Jesse help clean up the offices, and before the day was over had four people she said she wanted to try helping clean. Two of those she offered jobs were men and Jesse refused to work anywhere near them, though she didn't freak out the way she had earlier, which to me meant the men at the government facility didn't interact with her other than to give her shots and make sure she didn't have anything she could use as a weapon.

The day seemed to fly by as I went over the files Judy had been working on to get myself more familiar with the cases for the meetings the following day. Jesse by the end of the day was working with the men we had in the office making me smile since she needed to get use to social settings if she was ever going to fit back into society.

"Jesse are you ready to call it a day?" I asked watching everyone else gathering their things to go.

"Thank you for letting me help Alex," Jesse said.

"If you want you can come back tomorrow and help, but I'll be out of the office most of the day I have several meetings out at the prison," I said.

"Kathy, Niki and Nancy will be here won't they?" Jesse asked.

"I was going to take Niki with me, but since she's the only one here other than myself who has met a new lawyer joining the firm, I think it would be better to leave her here to help him get settled," I said.

"A man?" Jesse asked.

"He's a good man Jesse, or I wouldn't have offered him a partnership," I said.

"He won't try to hurt me?" Jesse asked.

"No Jesse, he won't try to hurt you and his wife will be working here at least part-time for a while," I said.

"Mr Phillips wife was there when he hurt me more than once," Jesse said.

"I know she was dear. Jesse you need to know before we get home that one of the Phillips kids are living at the house and in my custody. Her name is Andrea and she calls me mom and Marc dad," I said.

"They had one kid that they treated the same way we were treated, but I thought it was a boy," Jesse said.

"Andrea is like me, she's transsexual," I said.

Jesse made a face before the light of what I meant filled her eyes.

I parked in the same place I always parked and got out waiting for Jesse to follow suit. We walked together up to the house and the kids met us before we reached the porch.

"Mom!" they yelled then saw Jesse.

Andrea stopped where she was while Lindsey and the others continued all seeking a hug.

"Is there a problem Andrea?" I asked.

"I... I know her don't I?" Andrea asked.

"I don't know dear, but I do want you all to meet my oldest sister Jessica," I introduced.

I saw both Jesse and Andrea had blank stares as memories flashed through their minds trying to remember how it was they knew each other.

Andrea finally came over closer so I could see both her and Jesse together and I wanted to cry. I wasn't positive about the connection, but wouldn't be surprised if it turned out to be correct. If what I saw were true, Jesse and Andrea were mother and daughter.

I knew Jesse had been pregnant and gone to live with friends of the family for a time and when she came back home she wasn't pregnant any longer. I never knew if she had the baby, or was forced to have an abortion, I just knew she was pregnant when she left and wasn't when she came back home. If she had the baby Andrea was about the right age so it was possible... I needed to get DNA testing done so I knew, since trying to get a copy of Andrea's birth certificate was proving difficult at best.

I didn't want to bring up my suspicion until I talked to Marc and got his take on whether he saw the resemblance, but I knew instinctively I was right and Andrea was in fact my niece already.

I headed in the house followed by all the kids, Andrea showing Jesse around while Lindsey followed me into the kitchen.

"Mom, is Jesse, Andrea's real mother?" Lindsey asked.

"I don't know dear I know she's about the right age to be, but I really don't know," I said.

"Do you think they know?" Lindsey asked.

"They know each other, that much is obvious, but do they know they might be mother and daughter? That I don't know and until some tests have been done I don't want anyone saying anything about it," I said.

"Somebody named Neal called and wanted to talk to you about Andrea. I didn't tell Andrea because I thought you'd want to know first," Lindsey said.

"Why didn't you give him my number at work?" I asked.

"He said he called there first," Lindsey said.

I shook my head. If he called work I should have already known in time I could have called back, but I never got the message if he did call.

"Did you practice your martial arts today?" I asked to change the subject.

"Andrea and I both did. I'm not sure I got the moves right when I tried to show her, but she said she wants to learn so bad and I thought you might be willing to fix whatever I got wrong for both of us," Lindsey said.

"When the dishes are cleaned up after dinner I'd be delighted to go over the moves with you so you get them right," I said.

Lindsey helped me get dinner started, and while it was cooking I headed for the shower.

"Alex where will my room be?" Jesse asked before I made it to the bedroom.

"There are two bedrooms in the basement, Andrea is using one the other will be yours," I said.

Jesse didn't say anything and I gave Andrea a look I knew she would understand to mean she should show Jesse where the room was.

Andrea took Jesse's hand and together they turned toward the stairs to the basement.

I checked dinner after getting out of the shower and found it almost ready. Marc should be home almost any time, though with all the names Jesse gave during our visit the night before it could be awhile getting them all booked and processed, so I wasn't going to worry if he at least called in the next half hour.

I found the kids all watching a movie in the family room and almost laughed seeing Jesse sitting there with them every bit as engrossed as any of the kids were.

I returned to the dining room and set the table even setting a place for Marc though I wasn't sure if he would be home in time to eat with the rest of us.

I checked on the kids again and heard a car pull in so went to the front door to see if it was Marc.

"Good evening dear," I said as Marc came on the porch.

"I swear today was the day from hell," Marc said.

"Dinner is almost ready," I said.

"How are the kids?" Marc asked.

"They're fine. They're all in watching a movie I hope never to watch again," I said.

"Sounds exciting. Did you get the message I left for you at the office?" Marc asked.

"No I didn't, do you know who it was you left the message with?" I asked.

"An Edith or something like that, I had to double check that I got the right number since they answered, 'Allen Jessup Esquire', or something like that," Marc said.

"I'll have to have a talk with Allen about that. It must have been late this afternoon you called because Allen moved his wife over today and said he'd be moving his office over tomorrow," I said.

"So is there some special way they're supposed to be answering other than DeMay and associates?" Marc asked.

"With Allen joining yes there is, and Edith already knows she's supposed to be answering 'DeMay and Jessup Law Offices'," I said.

"Andrea's parents were some of the first arrested today, warrants were issued for everyone Jessica named as being involved last night," Marc said.

"I want you to take a close look at Jesse and Andrea tonight, I want to know what you think when we have some time later," I said.

"Is there anything particular I'm looking for?" Marc asked.

"I think you'll know what to look for without me telling you," I said.

Marc looked at the kids sitting in front of the TV watching their movie, then headed for the bedroom to get cleaned up for dinner.

I started getting dinner on the table and told the kids to put their movie on pause because dinner was ready as soon as Marc got to the kitchen from getting cleaned up.

Jesse, Andrea and Lindsey offered to get the dishes cleaned up with Jesse washing since she didn't know where anything went.

As soon as the dishes were done Lindsey and Andrea came to me letting me know it was time for their martial arts lessons. Jesse followed us out to the barn and watched as I got Lindsey and Andrea started insuring they had the moves right and explaining that the moves needed to become second nature if they ever hoped to gain any proficiency. Once they were both doing the moves I opened the cabinet that held my stars and took a couple of them out checking for any flaws.

"It looks like they're dancing," Jesse said.

"In a way they are," I replied.

"Do you think I could learn that?" Jesse asked.

"Jesse to become proficient you need to find balance in life, to find balance in life means finding balance in yourself. You and I both suffered some horrific history, and finding balance means finding in yourself good that can counter the bad. It isn't easy, but that's the only way," I said.

"The memories before it all started were mostly good. If I concentrated on those would that work?" Jesse asked.

"What about my fiancée? Jesse this house is his not mine, three of these kids are his nieces and nephew, not mine. Can you accept that not all men are evil like those who abused us? Can you move beyond the last seventeen years and accept the world is made of both good and evil? True balance is a matter of letting the good be greater than the bad," I said.

"Marc scares me," Jesse said.

I saw Lindsey falter and asked her to go get Marc.

"Jesse, these girls both witnessed the other day, what I want Marc out here for. Marc knows two kinds of martial arts I don't, but he only holds a forth dan black belt in any of the forms he knows while I hold a tenth dan black belt in both forms I know. We are fairly evenly matched, though in an actual fight the advantage would go to me," I said.

Marc came out with the two smaller kids and I asked Lindsey and Andrea to keep an eye on them while Marc and I spared, so Jesse would better understand what I was teaching the girls.

Jesse watched as Marc took one side of the open area and I took the other. We bowed to each other and started circling watching for any opening the other might show. I kicked a rock and faltered and Marc came at me, but to slow for me to not make a full recovery before he reached me.

Marc over committed and I took him off his feet, but before I could do anything else he was back on his feet and we started circling again.

"I'm surprised you let me get back up after knocking me off my feet," Marc said.

"Either your getting faster, or I'm slowing down because I didn't expect to see you up so fast, I thought that blow to your ribs would have made it harder for you," I replied.

"If I hadn't seen it coming it might have," Marc said.

Jesse watched us fascinated because it looked more like a dance than anything else.

Marc shifted his weight forward and I struck again taking him off his feet, but this time I was there to keep him from getting back up as fast.

"I think you've found your balance again," Marc said in surrender.

"Balance is easy when I'm surrounded by such wonderful people," I said.

Jesse looked at us not fully understanding, but knowing the sparing match was over.

"It looked more like you were dancing than fighting," Jesse said.

"I'm glad we weren't actually fighting, or I'd likely be dead right now, that heart punch was enough I couldn't recover," Marc said.

"I don't understand you said she hit you a couple times, but it only looked like she lightly touched you both times," Jesse said.

"I held back on the punches or they might have seriously hurt him. Jesse a strong punch in martial arts doesn't always look like such to the observer, in a way it's like with my stars to the casual observer it looks like I'm just flicking my wrist, but the force of the star is compounded by the cutting edge of the star. I want you to watch as we show you what I mean about that," I said.

I picked up one of the stars laying on the bench and threw it at the target followed quickly by another and another. Marc did the same.

"If you'll come over here and look at the stars in the target you'll see all three of the ones I threw are as deep or deeper in the wood than the ones Marc threw, yet I have no doubt it looked like he put more effort into each throw," I said.

She came over and looked at the target and gasped at how deep each of the stars were and reached in to pull one out.

"If you don't know how to grab them it isn't a good idea to try because they are sharp on every edge," I said.

"Why are yours closer together than his?" Jesse asked.

"I practice more often than he does," I said.

All the kids came over and looked at the various stars sticking out of the target. Andrea reached in like Jesse had done and drew her hand back before actually touching them.

"Will we learn to throw those things like that?" Andrea asked.

"Not with my stars no, but when your ready I'll see each of you get some of your own, a mark of your readiness is understanding what you're learning, is balance above all else," I said.

Both girls gave me a dirty look, but didn't argue.

I didn't think about Jesse not having much in the way of clothing and when she came up for breakfast I noticed she was wearing the same clothes she wore the previous day.

"Is that what your planning on wearing today?" I asked.

"It isn't like I have a lot of choice, this is all I have," Jesse said.

"I doubt any of my clothes will fit you, but I think you and Andrea are about the same size, and I doubt she would mind if you borrowed something from her closet and we'll go shopping today when I get back from the meetings I have," I said.

"I haven't got any money," Jesse said.

"Your my sister, and I have plenty. If you feel you have to pay me back you can do that helping Kathy and I at the office, if having men around is going to be a problem stay on Kathy's side of the offices, I have no doubt she'll have plenty to keep you busy," I said.

"How would helping her pay you back?" Jesse asked.

"Because right now any money coming out of either side is coming out of my pocket. Jesse if your worried about me running out of money, don't be. I have millions in the bank in secured accounts I can't get to easily and I'm sure if you were to ask Kathy how much she could give you a better idea than I can," I said.

Jesse headed back down stairs and a short time later came up wearing a nice business suit with Andrea following. I didn't remember buying Andrea a suit like what Jesse was wearing, but we had gotten so many clothes when I took Andrea shopping it didn't surprise me I didn't remember.

"Is Aunt Erica going to come over again today?" Andrea asked.

"As far as I know she will be. Andrea I'm not going to be available most of the day today, so if you need anything you'll need to call Marc," I said.

I didn't wait for an answer before heading out the door with Jesse in tow.

When we got to the office, again there wasn't anyone there with a key so I needed to unlock the doors so everyone there could get in.

By the time I reached my office Niki came in looking anything but professional and didn't have Judy with her. I waited before doing more than unlocking my office hoping she would understand I expected some answers,

"I'm sorry I'm late. I didn't hear the alarm and spent half the night playing nurse to Judy," Niki said.

"Is that why she isn't with you?" I asked.

"She has the flu or something and spent most of the night over the toilet, I was tempted to take her to the hospital around midnight," Niki said.

Allen walked in about that time and I indicated I needed to talk to him when I was done talking to Niki.

"I need the files she has, she didn't give them to me yesterday like she was supposed to have done," I said.

"I know where they are along with what time the appointments are for each, if you'll give me five minutes I'll get them for you," Niki said turning to go.

"Allen how would you like to go visit some potential clients with me?" I asked.

"What kind of clients," Allen asked.

"The kind that probably can't afford us," I said.

"You mean there are clients who can afford you?" Allen asked.

"Come on Allen, I'm not that expensive, unless your talking contract law, and these clients wouldn't be interested in contract law," I said.

"Dare I ask where these potential clients are?" Allen asked.

"Always dare Allen, but you should remember I don't always give the answer you expect," I said.

Niki held out the files I needed along with the schedule of when we were supposed to meet each of the men the files represented.

"I wouldn't ask, but the para-legal that has been working on this is sick today and I can't take the only other para-legal who might know enough about these cases since if she isn't headed home soon is the only other person here able to handle what needs to be done," I said.

Niki looked at me and blushed.

"I'm not sick, just really tired, and definitely not dressed to go out anywhere," Niki said.

"That's an understatement. I do have something you can do after you get these other para-legals going on some of the other files. It seems our oldest sister doesn't have much in the way of clothes, and since you look more like a bum than a professional perhaps you could use a few new outfits as well. If I call and let the store know everything for Jesse and a couple outfits for you are to be put on my account could you maybe take her shopping?" I asked.

"How much are we allowed to spend?" Niki asked.

"You'll need to ask Kathy about that when she gets in, she has a better idea what my limit is than I do," I said.

"You don't have any idea how much money you have, do you?" Niki asked.

"I have an idea, but I don't know how close I'd be, and Kathy could probably tell you to the penny," I said.

Allen gave me a strange look, but didn't say anything.

"What do you say Allen would you be willing to go with me or have you got your own cases to work on?" I asked.

"I don't have anything and would really like to see how you deal with things, so sure I'll go with," Allen said.

I finished going in my office and sorted through the files trying to figure out what to expect once we got to the prison.

I needed to get going if I wanted to be on time. With the files in my brief case I headed out the door and saw Allen standing in the reception area talking with one of the new para-legals.

"You ready to go Allen?" I asked.

"Whenever you are. Tell me are you still driving that little matchbox of a car?" Allen asked.

"Your more than welcome to drive, or you can go over the files so you have a clue what your doing when we get to the prison," I said.

"I take it you know these people somehow?" Allen asked.

"Don't worry Allen all but one of them, you didn't have any part in defending," I said.

"And the one I did defend?" Allen asked.

"Is a great guy, but I honestly don't think there's anything we can do for him other than say hi," I said.

"And that person would be?" Allen asked.

"Out there he goes by the name of Snake, but you probably know him better as Clarence Whitaker," I said.

"You actually know Clarence?" Allen asked.

"It's a long story and you need to familiarize yourself with those files and no I'm not telling the story until you know what we're doing," I said.

"I would love to hear the story, but I'm not in any hurry, and your right I should familiarize myself with these files," Allen said.

We got in my car and Allen made some smart ass comment about needing to move his seat into the trunk so he had legroom.

I ignored him pointing at the files and headed out of the parking lot.

When we arrived at the prison front gate the guard greeted us warmly if being asked if we made reservations could be considered a warm greeting.

I told him we had appointments to talk to some of the guests and got a laugh and a wave through the gate.

At the main building we were met by another guard I didn't know and ushered into a room where they said they needed to check us for contraband and both Allen and I gave them a look that stopped them cold.

"We aren't here for a visit, we're here as attorneys to talk to our clients," Allen said.

The guards looked from Allen to me and disappeared. A short time later the warden showed up and started laughing when he saw me.

"Do I look that funny?" I asked.

"No Alex you don't look funny at all. I was wondering who those appointments were with when I saw the names asked for. I'm guessing you would like me to add Clarence to the list?" the warden asked.

"If it wouldn't be too much trouble, but he should be the last we see not somewhere in the middle," I said.

"Any particular order other than Clarence last?" he asked.

"Not really we did bring their files with so as long as we know who we'll be seeing before they actually get here," I said.

"I'm sure I can arrange that, and I'll see to it any guards you deal with from now on are guards you should know," the warden said.

"One last thing before you go, if any of those men are wearing handcuffs when they arrive, I'm likely as not to put your guards in the hospital," I said.

"And I have no doubt you could," the warden said leaving the room.

"Ok Alex, care to tell me why it seems so many people out here know you? I know you've never practiced criminal law before," Allen asked.

"I ended up in a rigged trial with a judge that decided the verdict before the trial even started. I wasn't allowed a jury and the clown pretending to represent me was just that a clown. I was charged with the murder of Alexander Kevin DeMay and found guilty and sentenced to life without parole," I said.

"Alexander Kevin DeMay? Alex if I'm not mistaken that's the name you were registered in law school under," Allen said.

"Exactly! I was found guilty of killing myself. I was arrested within minutes of legally changing my name to Alexandra Kate DeMay," I said.

Allen didn't say anything, but the confusion was there in every part of his posture and expression.

"Hey Alex it's good to see you again, Brent should be here in a couple minutes, then Albert, followed by Brian, and Kevin," a guard said.

While we waited for Brent to show up we put all the files in order by who was supposed to be next.

"I'm guessing you know more about these men than would be proper to share?" Allen asked.

"She knows more than some of us are comfortable with her knowing," Brent said stepping in the room.

"Your being to nice to me Snail. What do you think the chances are I'd be here to offer you the deal I'm going to offer if you weren't such a sweetheart?" I asked.

"Do you have any idea how much I hate that name?" Brent asked.

"About as much as I liked the name everyone called me in here, not at all," I said.

"So what kind of deal are you going to offer?" Brent asked.

"I'm here to offer you a chance at another trial only this time with me and my firm representing you," I said.

"I guess I should be honored at that prospect?" Brent asked.

"You couldn't ask for a better lawyer," Allen said.

"Is that right? How many men in here, are here because you failed as their lawyer?" Brent asked.

"One, and he'll be the first to tell you I didn't fail him, he insisted on pleading guilty against my advice," Allen said.

"So you've been able to get everyone else you've represented off?" Brent asked.

Allen looked at me and back at Brent.

"We're here to make an offer to file an appeal on your behave. The evidence we've seen in your case is circumstantial at best," Allen said.

Brent looked at me this time trying to figure out what this was really all about.

"What my colleague said is true Brent, we are here simply to make the offer. I know your short, and I can't promise if we do file an appeal it would change anything, but as Allen here knows there are few lawyers who are willing to go up against me in a court of law, and for very good reason. You know why nobody fucked with me when I was here, and for the same reason no one would fuck with me in here most lawyers are leery of me because I'm unpredictable and am usually right," I said.

"No shit," Allen said under his breath, but loud enough Brent heard it.

"Your serious? You really are the hotshot lawyer you claimed to be?" Brent asked.

"She graduated top of our class and passed the bar exam her first time," Allen said.

"Lots of lawyers graduate top of their class. I'm sorry that doesn't mean much," Brent said.

"It means a lot when you consider she graduated in six year with a doctorate in law," Allen said.

Brent looked at me like he had no idea who I was any longer.

"I went to school full-time. It really wasn't that big of a deal," I said.

"Alex I am getting tired of your modesty act. Yes she went to school full-time, but she also held down a full-time job and studied martial arts. Her roommates all said she was almost never in her room between her research for classes, her job and her martial arts. Then top that off with the fact she aced the bar exam the first time she took it and that's the kind of lawyer you have sitting here making you an offer to represent you," Allen said.

Brent again looked at me like he had no idea who I was.

"If your that good Alex, how is it you ended up in here for a murder that never happened?" Brent asked.

"It doesn't really matter Brent. What does matter is I'm here making this offer and you can either accept the offer or not. The cost to you of accepting the offer is whatever you feel you can afford when you can afford it, and I promise I'll do my very best if you accept," I said.

"And what if you can't get the appeals court to listen?" Brent asked.

"Then there would be no point in me making this offer," I said.

"So you want me to say yes, or no, to you making the offer of an appeal?" Brent asked.

## Chapter 30

With each of the men on the list it went much the same way, each of them agreeing to allow me to file an appeal in their case. I explained what the risks were, outlining what I was sure would happen, and explaining that everything I did on their behave was what their first lawyer should have done, but failed to do for one reason or another.

By the time we were done going over everything with Kevin, Allen looked at me and smiled.

"That should be all of them according to the files we have here," Allen said.

"It is, but there is still one more I want to talk to," I said.

"Rudy why is he in handcuffs?" I demanded when they came in with Snake.

"He said he wanted them on for your safety," the guard answered.

I chuckled and let the matter drop. Snake walked in the room keeping his eyes on me while acknowledging Allen.

"It's good to see both of you," Snake said.

"Allen is there any chance of you giving us an hour alone?" I asked not taking my eyes off Snake.

Allen stood up and headed for the door turning and telling Snake he was glad to see he was doing well, then walked out the door pulling it closed behind him.

"So is the door locked?" Snake asked.

"Does it really matter?" I asked.

Of all the men in this prison I knew Snake was likely the most dangerous, and the only one I wasn't sure I could beat in a fight.

"They said you wanted to see me," Snake said.

"And so of course you figured you would be safer if your handcuffed?" I asked.

"If Marc said anything, more than likely," Snake said.

"Marc didn't say anything about what you and he talked about after I left the room last time," I said.

"Then maybe you should talk to him about it," Snake said.

"I don't really care. Snake I want to know who in here is pulling the strings," I said.

"And you expect me to tell you? Alex, I thought you were smarter than that," Snake said.

"I guess maybe you're coloring me with a brighter pencil than I deserve. You want my help getting out of here you'll give me the information I'm asking for, and don't try lying to me I know you've had the cuffs lose since you got here and already know the name, or names of those I'm looking for," I said.

"You were never a fool, but it seems you think I am," Snake said.

"What's it going to take to get you to give me those names?" I asked.

"Have you ever heard the expression the walls have ears? Alex I do love seeing you, but if the only reason you want to see me is hoping to get me to give you names I'd rather not see you again," Snake said.

"That's why I ended up in solitary isn't it? Not because I couldn't take care of myself, or you couldn't take care of me if it came down to it, but neither of us could protect me if I ever found out who is calling the shots in here?" I asked.

"Do you really want me to answer that?" Snake asked.

"Thank you, this will be the last time we talk," I said.

"Your right about that. Marc is a good man, and you'll do well to stay close to him," Snake said.

I passed Snake a note and he nodded, so I slid one more over to him. This one with names on it and he again nodded, but a little slower before standing and telling me he wished me all the best, but he couldn't help me.

I opened the door and he walked out as I picked up all my papers.

The information I wanted, I now had, but to be able to use any of it meant getting Snake out of this prison and somewhere he would be safe.

Allen and I headed back to the office in silence. I knew he had a lot of questions, and now I had a few answers, but they were answers I didn't dare share.

Snake said to trust Marc, that he was a good man, but did he mean I should share the information with Marc? Unlike Marc, Snake wasn't planted in the prison, he was there because he committed a crime and earned his place in prison. No one knew that better than the man sitting next to me in the car.

When I pulled in the parking lot for the office I turned to Allen and asked what he knew of sexual and physical abuse inside religion, particularly the predominant religion in the area.

He reached for the door and stopped.

"Alex, I know almost nothing about the predominant religion in this area, but I have heard stories about both sexual and physical abuse within its ranks. I find religion disgusting because of all the abuse it brings down on the most helpless people in society, but what I know of this religion is simply rumors I have no proof are true," Allen said.

"Thank you for being honest. I can tell you there is both sexual and physical abuse inside the religion, but right now I would rather not say how I know. That will all come out in the near future. Thank you also for allowing me the time with Clarence, he had some information I needed, but again it's something I'm not sure who I can trust to share it with," I said.

Allen nodded and opened his door.

"If we're going to have a strong partnership we need to be able to trust each other, at least on matters of business. When your ready to talk I'm ready to listen, I won't make any promises beyond that," Allen said.

Before we got inside Nancy met us telling me Niki had taken Jesse shopping, and wanted to know why she didn't get to go since she had fewer clothes than Niki did.

"Nancy I haven't got time for this. If you wanted to go why are you here instead of shopping with them?" I asked.

"Niki said you only said her and Jesse," Nancy said.

"Probably because I did say her and Jesse, but that's because Niki is working for me and they are supposed to be getting clothes for Jesse," I said.

Nancy still didn't look happy she hadn't been able to go with.

"Nancy if you really want to go shopping with them I'll take you, but I won't be able to stay long after we find them," I said.

Nancy brightened up and ran over to tell Kathy I was taking her shopping.

I went in my office and placed the files I wouldn't need on my desk and checked to see what the para-legals still in the office were doing asking which of them was the best at research and which was best at writing court appeals.

When they all gave me a blank stare I turned around and found Allen in his office trying to get his things put away.

"Do you think you could manage to get a couple of our para-legals going on getting more in depth information on those cases, and getting court appeals drawn up for us to go over before they're filed with the courts?" I asked.

"I probably could, but since your the one who hired them, wouldn't it be better if you did that?" Allen asked.

"Allen I haven't talked to any of them until a moment ago and all I got from them were blank stares, I still have a little running I need to do and since they're here for you as well as me..." I said.

"I'm sorry Alex I just assumed you hired them, I'll take care of getting them going on what we need," Allen said.

"Allen I... I hired Niki and Judy and hope you don't mind working with these others. When Niki gets back I'll have her start coordinating getting these cases ready to go to court, and maybe she would be the better choice assigning the others since she is the one who hired them, I was afraid I was going to fire them when they just gave me blank stares," I said.

"I'll take care of it, you go take care of whatever it is you need to take care of," Allen said.

Nancy was waiting for me when I got back to my car and I let her in the passenger side.

"Nancy I can't wait around when we get to the store so you'll need to either ride back with Niki and Jesse or call a cab," I said.

"I don't have a problem riding with them if you'll come in with to let them know you said it was ok for me to be there," Nancy said.

I went in with Nancy and was met by one of the sales managers.

"Ms DeMay I got a call from your sister saying a couple of your sisters would be stopping in to do some shopping and you had given permission for them to place the purchases on your account," the sales manager said.

"Are they still here?" I asked.

"Yes ma'am, they're over in business apparel I believe," the sales manager said.

"This is another sister, Nancy, and she'll be joining Niki and Jesse, and like them Nancy does have my permission to get a few clothes on my account, I do ask that you not allow them to charge more that seventy-five hundred dollars combined," I said.

"Yes ma'am, Miss Nancy if you'll follow me I'll show you to your sisters," the sales manager said.

I headed back out the door on my way to see Marc.

"I need to see Marc Adleson," I said to the person behind the front desk at the FBI offices.

They tried to give me the run around and tell me Marc wasn't there, but Marc walked out of a back office and spotted me.

"Nicole, Alex is the one person I'm always here for if you've been instructed to tell someone I'm not here," Marc said.

I smiled and ignored what Nicole said.

"I'm guessing you need to talk to me?" Marc asked.

"If it isn't too much trouble," I said.

"Things are hectic right now with all the arrests. Some of those we're trying to get arrest warrants for are some rather big names in this town," Marc said.

"I have to know what you can do to protect someone," I said.

"I'm guessing this someone can't be protected in the usual ways?" Marc asked.

"They're in prison right now, so I would say no, not really," I said.

"Does the name Clair Wilson mean anything to you?" Marc asked.

"It means you don't know who they are, Marc I wish I could give you the information I have, but as long as they're in prison it wouldn't be safe for them kind of like after you left it became unsafe for me so I landed in solitary," I said.

"How about some initials then?" Marc asked.

"You want initials of the name they use now, or the name they'd rather use?" I asked.

"How about both," Marc said.

"Alright, when you tell me what you can do to protect them," I said.

Marc looked at me as though I had grown another head.

"I don't know what we can do to protect them. Unless they can be released back into society, the best we could do is move them to another prison, and I doubt that would work because the news system in prison is faster than live news in society," Marc said.

"First of all they pleaded guilty to what you were supposed to have been in prison for. Yes they did kill someone, but it was done in self defense, but because they plead guilty they were sentenced as though it were second degree murder," I said.

"Are you sure about that?" Marc asked.

"Are you sure you want the information I have, information of who the top dog is in the prison," I said.

"This person knows who that is?" Marc asked.

"No, but with the names they do know I know who it is, and I can tell you now they aren't in prison, but should be," I said.

"And you know, how?" Marc asked.

"I know because I've met them. I know because I know they have been calling the shots in this state for years, while always staying just out of the spot light," I said.

Marc gave me a look that said he wasn't sure he trusted me. I knew who the person was and I knew how to get evidence to prove it. The big question would be what kind of deal would need to be made to finally get this person locked away.

"If your source is Snake he'll be out of there tonight. Alex he told me about something he hasn't talked with anyone about, and since he knows we are still together and that Ellen was transgender as well, he felt I was someone he could trust," Marc said.

"Thus Clair Wilson?" I asked.

"He said it was a name he was familiar with," Marc said.

"And just how well can you protect her with a name like that? Marc that name is so close to the name everyone knows it won't take much to connect the two together. I'm going to make a suggestion here and I want you to talk to her about it before getting any paperwork done. She gave me a name this afternoon I think she would rather, and trying to connect it with her would be nearly impossible. Brittany Amanda Baker," I said.

"So she did tell you?" Marc asked.

"Not exactly. Marc I have to know she'll be safe, or I can't share the information she gave me, and since the person calling the shots isn't in prison that means the fewer people who know the better," I said.

"I assure you everything that can be done will be done. I do have to ask why it is you think the reason she's there is the same as my cover story?" Marc asked.

"Marc you know her as well as I do. You know her values as well as I do. Do you really think she would be there if she didn't feel she was guilty of something she isn't capable of doing?" I asked.

"But you're saying she did kill those people," Marc said.

"Yes I am, but I know she didn't give her attorney room to try showing it was in self defense. When she went into that courtroom she did so with the intent of pleading guilty so the details wouldn't be dragged out, but not only the details of that incident she was terrified her past would be dragged out as well," I said.

"How do you know that Alex? She never says anything other than she killed those people," Marc said.

"Maybe if you talk to her attorney from her trial you'd know just as I do. Before you say you can't find her attorney, you might want to talk to my firm partner Allen Jessup," I said.

"You mean..." Marc stuttered.

"I knew Allen was her attorney when I got a copy of the court records. Since Allen agreed to become my partner I now have access to even her lawyers records. Allen walked into that courtroom ready to defend his client, a client he knew was innocent of murder, but who had killed in self defense. Allen graduated second in his graduating class and is one of the best criminal attorneys there is. He has only ever lost one case and that was hers because she refused to allow him to fight for her," I said.

Marc looked at me and called over to the office to talk to Allen.

"DeMay and Jessup, may I help you," one of the para-legals answered. Marc put the phone on speaker from the start.

"This is Alex, let me talk to Allen," I said.

"I'm sorry ma'am do you have a last name so I can inform Mr Jessup who exactly is calling," the para-legal said.

"I'll give you ten seconds to put Allen on the phone or Niki, Judy and Allen combined won't be able to save your job as a para-legal for my law firm," I said.

"A little rough on her weren't you Alex?" Allen answered.

"Those people have got to learn to identify my voice and know I mean business if they are going to work for me. I have someone here who has a couple questions for you, and since I am listening on speaker I do hope you will answer rather than giving the client attorney privilege spiel," I said.

"Mr Jessup this is Special Investigator Adleson, with the FBI. I see by the court documents that you were Mr Clarence Whitaker's attorney," Marc said.

"Tell him the truth Marc," I said so he knew Allen heard as well.

"Yes, Mr Adleson I was Clarence's attorney, but he refused to allow me to do more than enter his plea of guilty," Allen said.

"Alex told me you have information showing that Clarence didn't commit murder, but in fact killed those people in self defense, can you verify that sir?" Marc asked.

"Alex has seen my files on Clarence and yes I do agree that the evidence does indicate self defense not murder," Allen said.

"Thank you Mr Jessup, I would like to see that information if it isn't asking too much, since it would help in an investigation I am working on," Marc said.

"Allen, because of some key information that could implicate the top players in the crime Marc is working on, they can and will go after Clarence if the information he gave me today is given to Marc, before Clarence can be moved where he will be safe and receive a new identity. I feel it is in Clarence's best interest to let the justice department have that information, and to the best of my knowledge you and Clarence are the only ones who have it, knowing Clarence, he isn't going to give it since I know he feels he deserves to be locked away from society," I said.

"I'll have someone bring it right over Inspector Adleson," Allen said.

"Thank you Allen and be sure the para-legal that answered the phone knows I'm likely to be the only person to ever call and give my first name like I did," I said.

Allen laughed and said he would take care of it.

I was curious how long Marc intended to work, but didn't want him to feel like I was pressuring him. I was ready to call it a day and go home, but wanted to know what the government was willing to do to protect a friend even more. I wanted the nightmare of my past to finally be over and I couldn't take much of an active roll in most of it since I was a key witness for the government. I knew I was a target to those most at risk of being sent to jail for the crimes they committed, but it wasn't me I was worried about. At home I had four people depending on me for their safety and my trying to go back to work was making that difficult.

I looked in my briefcase and saw the papers that still needed to be filed for Andrea so I could take custody.

"Marc did you say Andrea's parents were arrested yesterday?" I asked.

"They were some of the first in the arrests yesterday," Marc said.

"I need to run over to the court and get some papers filed then. When I got them to sign the papers surrendering their parental rights to Andrea I promised to give them one week, or until they were arrested before I filed them," I said.

"I know she'll like hearing that we're her custodians," Marc said.

"We? Marc she's using my name not yours, at least the one time I heard her tell someone who she was it was my name not yours," I said.

"If I'm not mistaken she has started calling me dad," Marc said.

I started laughing because I forgot he knew about that, even though I was the one to tell him.

It took me an hour to finally get someone willing to help at the courthouse in getting the papers filed. As soon as the court recorder finished filing the papers they said I would need to talk to one of the family judges and it wouldn't be more than a half hour.

By the time I got done with the judge I had full custody of Andrea and had the paperwork started in trying to adopt her.

On the way back to Marc's office I thought about what I suspected the night before, about Andrea possibly being Jesse's daughter from the time Jesse had been pregnant as a young teen.

Would it be right for me to adopt my sisters child? What if Jesse wanted to be her mom? What would she think of me if I didn't give her the opportunity to be the mother of her own child?

I called the house and Andrea answered.

"Andrea I wanted to let you know I do have full custody of you now, your birth parents were arrested yesterday so I filed the papers an hour ago," I said.

"So now your my mom for real?" Andrea asked.

"I'm your guardian, but I did start the paperwork for adoption," I said.

"How long will that take?" Andrea asked.

"We really need to talk about that dear. I think there might be more to this than any of us really know," I said.

"But I want you to be my mom," Andrea said.

"What if the woman you knew of as your mother wasn't your mother and one of my sisters was?" I asked.

"You mean Jesse? Mom I know she's the only one of your sisters old enough to be my birth mom," Andrea said.

"Would you be willing to do the tests to find out if Jesse is your birth mother?" I asked.

"Mom I like Jesse. She helped me find a way of surviving what they did, but I think I want to be your daughter," Andrea said.

I thought about what she said. Jesse was able to help her survive, but how? Jesse was my ultimate failure, the sister I had been least able to protect. I knew Jesse didn't hold me responsible I knew she never would, but that didn't stop me from blaming myself.

Because I hadn't been able to protect her she never really grew up, she knew the words of adults, but she couldn't process things as an adult. She got left behind because of the abuse she suffered.

"Andrea if you're sure, we need to discuss what name you want. I did file for adoption, but if Marc and I get married, my last name will change except in the business world, where I do plan on using my maiden name," I said.

"Do I have to decide now?" Andrea asked.

"No sweetheart there isn't any rush, but I do want you to think about it," I said.

## Chapter 31

When Marc got home from work he said Brittany was safe and would be even safer in a couple days. I asked if he still wanted the names she gave me and laughed and said he was sure she had given them when she knew she was going to be safe.

I smiled since one of the names I had that should be on the list, Brittany couldn't have given him, though she did know enough to confirm the name for me, I didn't think it would be enough to confirm it for Marc, or anyone else who hadn't been among those abused by the men and woman involved.

"Marc did Brittany say anything about a Thomas Reinhardt?" I asked.

"Isn't he one of the top people in that church?" Marc asked

"That didn't answer my question," I said.

"No, she didn't mention him, but you wouldn't have asked if you didn't already know that," Marc said.

"Your right I wouldn't have, because Brittany didn't give me that name either, but she did say something that gave me the name, and since then I've seen pictures of him so I know who he is and do remember the things he did. You see Marc I am a key witness in this because I was a victim of it for so long and did meet many of the perpetrators in the crime. While I can't remember many of their names I can never forget their faces and voices," I said.

"And Thomas Reinhardt is one of them you do remember?" Marc asked.

"He still isn't the top man, but he is very close to the top," I said.

"So who is the top man?" Marc asked.

"That my dear is something only a few people know, and Thomas Reinhardt is one of them," I said.

"But you know who it is?" Marc asked.

"I know, but I can't prove it and only know one person who can. Marc that person hasn't grown up since the abuse started, but I do know she knows everyone of the top people involved," I said.

Marc got a very concerned look as he realized who the only person I knew other than Thomas Reinhardt was. He knew I was the only person who might be able to get her to talk about it since she saw me as the one person strong enough to stop them.

"Can you give me the name? Alex if they're left on the streets this won't end," Marc said.

"You'll need to ask Jesse for the name, I don't think I ever knew it," I said.

"You know she barely tolerates me, and now you expect her to tell me a name?" Marc asked.

"I didn't say I wouldn't be there when you ask," I said.

Marc shook his head and walked in the bedroom to get cleaned up. It was as though he didn't believe me about not knowing the name of the top man involved, but didn't dare try pushing me for something he knew I wouldn't give him.

Dinner was ready right on time for what I decided was a good time for dinner, so I called the girls in to get the table set.

While they were busy setting the table their talk centered on the martial arts training I was giving them. Andrea kept saying the most important thing was finding the right state of mind and Lindsey insisted it was making sure the forms were right. Before long they both turned to me to get an answer.

"Girls both of you are right. If you can't get the moves right they become worthless, but if you can't clear your mind of the things that aren't important even having the moves right won't help," I said.

They both looked at me still not understanding but no longer arguing.

I started setting the dinner on the table when Marc emerged from the bedroom after getting cleaned up.

"Is it that you don't know the name, or you don't remember the name?" Marc asked.

"Yes," I said.

"You do know you can be very frustrating?" Marc asked.

"Of course I know. Now can you let everyone know dinner is ready, or are you the only one not hungry?" I asked.

I set the last of the dinner on the table when everyone started arriving and taking their seat at the table.

"Jesse, Marc has a question for you, one I know the answer to, but for some reason can't remember clearly," I said.

"I won't talk to a man," Jesse said.

"Has Marc done anything to hurt you?" I asked.

"He's a man," Jesse said.

"So if he wasn't a man you'd be willing to talk to him?" I asked.

Jesse smiled, but didn't answer otherwise.

"I see. I guess telling me the name is out of the question?" I asked.

Jesse's smile widened confirming what I suspected.

We ate dinner without saying much, Lindsey and Andrea both giving me hurt looks, Marc not sure what it would take to get the answer he wanted and Angela and little Marc behaving like the little kids they are.

I asked Andrea and Lindsey to wash the dishes when the meal was over and let Marc know it would be best if we talked in private.

"I don't understand. What does Jesse want if she won't tell me because I'm a man and she won't tell you for whatever reason she won't tell you?" Marc asked.

"She wants to tell you not me, but because your a man and it was mostly men who abused her she's afraid to tell you. Marc she does like you, and does trust you, but she's afraid of you," I said.

"I'm sorry men abused her. You know I would never do anything to hurt her, or anyone if it can be avoided. I wouldn't ask, but without that name this may never end," Marc said.

"You didn't listen to what I said dear. I said she wants to tell you, but she's afraid to tell you because your a man," I said.

"I can't help that I'm a man, it's who I am," Marc said.

"I'm glad it is, but being a man doesn't mean you have to look like the men who abused her. I know you're a man and will hopefully always be a man, but I also know it's possible that you not look so manly, that you could feminize your look greatly and possibly help her move past the fear she has," I said.

Marc looked like he wanted to say something, but wasn't sure what. He walked into the living room and back to the kitchen. He stopped, looking at Jesse, and walked back in the living room.

I followed into the living room when he didn't come back in the kitchen right away, I knew he hadn't sat down since walking in the living room, but couldn't figure out what he was doing.

When I stepped in the living room he looked up from the floor at me and immediately back at the floor.

"Would it really be that easy?" Marc asked.

"There's nothing easy about it," I said.

"I'm not sure I understand," Marc said.

"Letting yourself show a more feminine side won't be easy, and that is what it will take," I said.

"Do you think she'd accept it if I only did it here at home?" Marc asked.

"I think she might," I said.

"Do you think the kids would be alright with me doing something like that?" Marc asked.

"Marc you can always explain to the kids why your doing it and hope they'll understand. I'm sure Lindsey and Andrea are both mature enough to understand and I don't think Angela and little Marc are old enough to care," I said.

"What about you? Will you understand?" Marc asked.

"Marc I want this whole mess to be something from the past, if to do that you have to do things that aren't conventional I don't want you worrying that I won't be there for you. If anything I think what she's asking will give you a better understanding of what women go through every day with men looking at us like sex objects. I'm willing to let Jesse know that it is something you can only do here at the house, other than maybe a shopping trip to get a few things we might not have readily available," I said.

"You wouldn't ask me to go out anywhere dressed in femme would you?" Marc asked.

"Marc she is going to want more than just a couple hours, and it wouldn't surprise me if she asked for at least a month if it's only here at the house," I said.

"I guess we should talk to her about that. I have to tell you this is something that makes me very uncomfortable," Marc said.

"That's the reason I'm asking this Marc," Jesse said. "For years I was forced to do things that made me uncomfortable, and no one was there to stop it. I'm asking for a month and one shopping trip from you, and I am willing to accept your word you'll complete the month," Jesse said.

Marc looked at her and nodded. He seemed to finally understand the trust she was willing to put in him, and what it might mean if he didn't follow through with the promise if he made it.

He looked over at me and headed for the bedroom I assumed to think about whether he could make that promise and stopped at the doorway turning back to Jesse and I.

"Jesse I promise I'll never do anything to hurt you or anyone in your family. If the only way of stopping those people from ever being able to hurt someone the way they did you and Alex is to give you that promise, you have my word I will give you that month and one shopping trip," Marc said then turned to me. "Alex, I don't think I can do this alone, at least not at first. I'm hoping you and the older girls will help, and be understanding over the next month."

"I'm here for you the same as you've been here for me since we were waiting to be transported that day. Marc I'm sure the girls will do their best to understand and help, but I won't promise there won't be times we laugh trying to help you be more in touch with your feminine nature," I said.

He turned around and again headed for the bedroom this time with me following.

"I guess I need to shave the hair on my legs if I'm going to have to go out at least once," Marc said.

"It would be better if you shave all your body hair off. Marc you don't have to do this if you don't want too," I said.

"I promised your sister I would. Alex, if we don't get all of those people off the streets the abuse they committed won't stop, they'll just move somewhere else and start all over again. When I went into the jail system it was because of you, it was because somehow the circus trial they put you through was picked up on by the Department of Justice, and I went in to find out how deep it went. We didn't expect to find a link between what was done to you and the murder of Ellen, but it didn't surprise me when one was found," Marc said.

"And just where did I come in Marc? Did you know who I was other than someone who had been railroaded into prison to get me out of the way?" I asked.

"When I went in I knew you had changed your name from the name you had been charged with killing. Beyond that I had no idea who you were, the agency had very little information about you," Marc said.

"I'm surprised since there were so many that knew of me as a lawyer. I guess I shouldn't be surprised since I had never used my birth name when I practiced law, but I never really tried to hide my birth name," I said.

"Like I said no one really knew much about you, or if they did they never shared the information, I went in simply doing a job I was qualified for. After meeting you and seeing the way you acted I knew I had to get to know you better than I was supposed to. When they pulled me out and left you there I was furious, and it took that whole time to convince anyone leaving you there was wrong and stupid. Even then they wanted to leave you there until you cut your wrists," Marc said.

"They were going to send me back weren't they? They were planning on leaving me in that system even after that, weren't they?" I demanded.

Marc never answered the question, but he didn't really need to, I knew the only reason I got out when I did was because Kathy, Marc and mom were making a lot of fuss.

I convinced Marc it would be much easier to remove all the hair that needed to be removed in the shower, even climbing in the shower with him to help with any hair he was having trouble reaching.

It took about fifteen minutes in the shower before I agreed we had gotten all the hair we could. And when I stopped him from reaching for the towel he gave me a dirty look until I picked up the bottle of baby oil and started rubbing it all over him.

"If you want to chap, drying off with a towel is fine, but by rubbing in some baby oil first your skin will stay softer and smoother," I said.

He reached for the towel again when I stopped pouring baby oil into my hand and rubbing him down.

"Marc I know your a man and will always be a man, but if you aren't sure you can control your sexual maleness it might be better to use something that can help, so there aren't any awkward moments," I said.

He knew what I meant, and knew without the help there would be awkward moments none of us wanted, so agreed to wear one of the prosthetics I had.

I helped him get it adjusted and smiled letting him know I appreciated the effort he was putting in to make my sister feel comfortable.

After his maleness was tucked away I gave him a pair of panties and matching bra that neither fit me comfortably. I helped him with the bra and told him he could pick one of the several dresses I had that were supposed to be one size fits all, that never really fit anyone the way they were meant to fit.

While he was looking through the dresses I went and found Andrea to see if she had another pair of breast forms since I had given the only ones I had to Erica.

I found Andrea in her room and asked if she had another set of breast forms she wasn't using.

"Mom, the set I'm not using are to big for me, they made it look like I had double D's and I hate them," Andrea said.

"Would you mind letting me borrow them for the next month?" I asked.

"Dad is going to do what Aunt Jesse asked isn't he?" Andrea asked.

"Would it bother you if he does?" I asked.

"Not really, because then Aunt Jesse will tell him what he wants to know so those people won't be able to hurt anybody anymore," Andrea said.

"What about you Lindsey?" I asked turning toward a hidden corner of the room.

"How did you know I was here?" Lindsey asked.

"Does it matter how I knew? How about answering my question," I said.

"It'll seem strange, but I know Uncle John isn't really a woman and listening to some of the stories Andrea tells of what those people do, if this is the easiest way to stop them I guess it's ok," Lindsey said.

Andrea gave me the breast forms, and I told them as soon as I was done helping Marc I'd be ready for their lessons.

I looked at the breast forms and shook my head. I couldn't picture anyone wanting tits the size of these things, but for now they were what we had available. I hoped Jesse wouldn't laugh since there would be no way of making them look real, but tonight was a first attempt at what the next month would hold because of a promise I wasn't sure should have been made. Even if Jesse said Marc had proven himself before that month was over I wasn't sure Marc would stop since the promise was for a whole month.

"Marc, I need to do some shopping tomorrow if you intend to continue this for the next month," I said.

"I promised Jesse," Marc said.

"Yes, you did promise, but I don't believe you understood fully what that promise meant. Going through with this tonight with what we have is one thing, but I don't think even Jesse would blame you if you don't follow through until we can get better accessories to help," I said.

He looked at the breast forms I was holding and frowned, not understanding just how big they were.

"It looks to me like we have all the accessories we need," Marc said.

"Not all, but enough. The big problem is these are way to big for you or anyone I know and we don't have anything to help with your voice, something we can solve tomorrow. Marc finding the proper size forms will take trial and error, but these forms are at least twice as big as they should be for someone like you," I said.

"Those aren't your old ones, are they?" Marc asked.

"Erica has my old ones. These are some Andrea had that either her father or mother gave her. Those people seem to think bigger is better. I know a few of the woman they abused were forced to get breast augmentation to increase the size of their breasts to very unnatural sizes," I said.

"So we need to see about getting some like your old ones?" Marc asked.

"If we can get Erica to let us use the ones she has we could find the right size easier. Another option is asking Andrea to allow us to use the ones she is wearing so we can try finding a pair that fit better and look more natural," I said.

"But these will work for tonight?" Marc asked.

"It's all we have so they'll have to, unless you know a store open this late that carries them," I said.

I helped Marc adjust the forms in the bra that was definitely to small for breasts as large as these forms were. He picked out a dress I was sure would cause him to blush when he saw how short it was, but didn't say anything since I wanted him to feel his choices were as valid as anyones. I suggested a little makeup mostly mascara and lip gloss, and said since we weren't going anywhere there wasn't much point in more than that.

The final touches were shoes and wig. The only shoes I had that wouldn't clash with his choice of dresses were a pair of sandals with four inch heels and a one inch platform under the toe.

"Those shoes will take time to learn to walk in without problems," I said.

He laughed at me and said everything about this would take time to learn without having problems.

I started laughing and held out my hand to help him stand.

"Don't try hurrying or your likely as not to fall and get hurt," I said.

We walked into the living room together and he sat in his favorite chair in the same manner he always did.

"You might want to cross your legs, otherwise you'll be showing everything you don't want showing," Jesse said.

Marc crossed his legs and blushed.

"I hope this is alright for tonight, it's the best we can do with what we have available," Marc said.

"The only thing missing I can think of is a name. I'm sorry but calling you Marc just seems wrong right now," Jesse said.

"You want me to use a more feminine name as well?" Marc asked.

"It would probably be better when we go shopping," Jesse said.

"Jesse you know this isn't who I am? I'm doing this because you asked saying you wanted me to understand, but I don't see how I can begin to understand, unless what it is you want me to understand is humiliation," Marc said.

"You don't think what they did to us was humiliating?" Jesse asked with anger heavy in her voice.

"I know it was humiliating, but I don't think this will help me understand the total extent of the humiliation you suffered without actually going through what you did. That doesn't mean I can't empathize only that I can't fully understand," Marc said.

"Michelle! For the next month that's the name I'm going to call you," Jesse said.

"Alright, I can live with that," Marc said.

Jesse watched Marc carefully for the next ten minutes, without saying anything.

"I need to go give the girls their lessons. I hope you two can talk and get this settled. Jesse, Marc and I have agreed to this because we do love and care about you. We want the people who abused us to be stopped so they can never do to anyone else what they did to us. You know I do understand what you went through. You know I've been through it. The difference is you turned inward to do what I couldn't to protect yourself, I didn't because I wanted to protect those I could. If I could have protected you I would have, but now Marc and I can protect others and with your help we can protect even more. Please Jesse, degrading my fiancée isn't going to make the degradation you suffered go away, but it could make it even worse for you," I said.

Jesse looked at me tears running down her cheeks.

"I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want others to understand," Jesse said.

"Marc does understand, maybe not as well as you want, but he does understand, and will do everything he can to protect you from anymore hurt," I said.

"The name your looking for is Evan Fletcher. I know that isn't the name you wanted, but it's the only name I know that you don't have. Marc, I won't hold you to that promise, but I hope you are the man Alex seems to think you are. Please don't ever hurt her, she's the only reason I survived what they did to me," Jesse said.

I walked out to the barn tears in my eyes from Jesse's last statement about me being the reason she survived. She was the first of my sisters I failed to protect, and now hearing her give me credit for being her savior. I walked in the training room and didn't see either of the girls, but I didn't see much of anything. I opened the drawer for my stars I was working on and took out a handful of them falling in the chair. One by one I threw the handful of stars at my target saying a name with each as I released it. When I threw the last I had gotten out I reached in the drawer and pulled out another handful, doing the same as before. When I was down to the last star I looked up and threw it giving the name Jesse just told Marc.

"Mom?" Lindsey asked.

I didn't move. I didn't even register hearing her. I did hear the words, words that at the moment made no sense to me. Andrea watched closely as I sat there staring at the stars I had just thrown. The name Evan Fletcher running through my mind over and over.

The work I had done for him on contracts in the past. He wanted a contract for services that seemed so innocent at the time, and now seemed so devastatingly dangerous.

I walked over and pulled my stars out of the target and walked back to the desk setting a handful of them down and again started throwing them at the target. Each star embedding just a little deeper than the one before as the terms of the contract came to mind.

The first time I defended that contract in a suit, and the settlement that was awarded to Evan Fletcher. Had he made me a party to his trafficking in human flesh? What about the law firm I worked for at the time? Were they complicit in what he was doing? The partner in the firm that asked me to write the contract, could I remember his name?

That contract was the one that allowed me the freedom to chose my own clients and set my own prices.

Dennis had been so impressed with that contract he let me have a free rein as long as I was willing to defend that contract should anyone ever try challenging it.

I threw the last of the stars and again stood to retrieve them when Lindsey said mom again.

I turned seeing both girls standing there looking at me concern visible in both their faces.

"I... how long have you been standing there?" I asked.

"We were here when you came out. Mom, you said when you were done with dad you'd meet us here for our lessons," Andrea said.

"Why don't you start on the exercises we've already gone over, by now you should know how they're done," I said.

Both girls started doing the moves they had been working on, each struggling a little to try getting them perfect.

"Relax girls and just do the moves. If you worry about getting them perfect you'll make more mistakes than if you relax and let what you've already learned make the moves on their own," I said.

Both girls visibly relaxed and their form improved as did the crispness of their moves. I smiled and asked them to continue for about ten minutes and I hoped to be back by then.

They both smiled and I walked back to the house looking at Marc still sitting in his chair dressed as he was when I went out to work with Lindsey and Andrea.

He looked from Jesse to me and smiled.

"We need to talk," I said.

He stood up and followed me back out into the yard.

"Jesse said she wouldn't hold you to dressing like this," I said.

"Yes, she did, but I promised her a month, and I feel she has more than earned that month," Marc said.

"The name she gave you, what are you planning on doing about it?" I asked.

"Without evidence beyond her word there isn't much I can do about it. Alex if you can verify he's involved I can have him picked up before the night is out," Marc said.

"He may be the top man, but there are others involved you don't know about yet. Names I can give you. Names I don't want to believe could be involved, but I'm sure they are," I said.

"Alex if this is as big as it's sounding, there may be a lot more people involved than anyone thought possible," Marc said.

"Is there any chance of you giving me a week to try coming up with the evidence needed to take down everyone else in one shot?" I asked.

"You think you can come up with that kind of evidence in that time?" Marc asked.

"I won't hide from what I'm afraid I'll find, but I can promise if it turns out that evidence shows me involved it was through ignorance not because I willingly helped," I said.

"I don't understand. It sounds like your saying you're one of the top people in this," Marc said.

"One of the partners from the law firm I worked for out of college had me write a contract. I didn't know what the contract was for, but after I wrote it the firm let me choose my own clients and set my own prices, on the condition I was willing to defend the contract if it was ever challenged," I said.

"Do you still have a copy of that contract?" Marc asked.

"I don't know. Marc I lost a lot of things since that little vacation my brother arranged for me," I said.

"If you do, it will be at work I'm guessing?" Marc asked.

"I doubt it since those are all new computers and the one I had from before that vacation is gone. Jeff said Maude blew it up trying to access some of the forms I had that were protected," I said.

"And that computer was the only place you would have had it?" Marc asked.

"I don't remember right now. When Jesse said that name I remembered every name of everyone one of the men I knew from that time. You can ask Lindsey and Andrea, when I went out to the exercise room in the barn I didn't even notice they were there waiting for me. I threw everyone of my stars twice, saying names with each throw. After the second time of throwing them I remember the contract," I said.

Marc walked with me over to the barn to talk with the girls.

When we entered there was what I assumed to be music playing and both girls stopped their workout, and started laughing.

"You look really cute Uncle John," Lindsey said turning off the noise they called music.

"I'm a work in progress, and you might as well get use to it because here at home this is how I'll be dressed for the next month," Marc said.

## Chapter 32

When I got to the office the doors were open and Niki was sitting at the front desk with Nancy and Judy talking about something Allen said the previous day.

"You guys don't have anything better to do than sit around gossiping?" I asked.

"Judy you have appeals to get ready, Niki you can help her, I want those appeals ready to be filed by tomorrow afternoon," I said.

Both of them jumped to their feet and headed off down the hall.

"Nancy do you know if there are any old computers around here somewhere? They might have crashed or have fried circuitry," I asked.

"I think there might be one or two in one of the offices we're not using," Nancy said.

Nancy directed me to an office that had a collection of old computer stuff. I started looking through the different things and found my old tower and noticed scorch marks on the housing. I set it aside and started looking through boxes of other things and came across a box of floppy discs all with the coding I used to keep track of my old clients and various documents such as contracts I had written or defended.

I started paying more and more attention to what was in some of the boxes and found all my old computer files from my time practicing contract law. All the forms I thought I was going to need to reformat sitting on floppy discs in these boxes hidden away. The big problem now was going to be trying to remember all the passwords to access what was on those discs if I couldn't find the disc containing my master password file.

I asked Nancy if she could help carry the boxes and computer tower out to my car, and asked if she knew anyone who might be able to recover the hard drive in the tower.

"I have a friend that could do it, and he could probably help with transferring all those floppy's onto CD's, or DVD's if you want," Nancy said.

"Would he be willing to come here to do it?" I asked.

"I imagine he would rather do it here since he doesn't have anywhere and is living with me until he can get back on his feet," Nancy said.

"I take it he got laid off, or something?" I asked.

"Or something. He wants to get into IT work and since he wasn't really making it as a car salesman, figured now was the time," Nancy said.

"Would you mind giving him a call and see how long it will take and how much he wants to do this," I said.

"I'm sure he'll give a reasonable price and I know he'll be willing to be here within an hour," Nancy said.

"I'll let you deal with him, I have some running around I need to do and will be gone for a couple hours. If anyone needs me have them call my cell phone," I said.

I didn't wait for her to respond and turned back to my office and made sure the door was unlocked and the desk clear of anything that I didn't want anyone else to see.

"Nancy, I've made sure my desk is locked, if he can transfer the things on those floppies without the passwords let him know to get that done, but the hard drive in my old tower is first priority," I said and walked out the door.

"Alex!" Nancy said before the door closed. "What if he needs the password for that hard drive to retrieve it?" Nancy asked.

"Then give it to him, it's as simple as our names in order from oldest to youngest," I said.

Nancy picked up the phone.

Kathy pulled in as I reached my car.

"Going somewhere already?" Kathy asked.

"I have some shopping I need to do and can't let someone else do it for me this time," I said.

"It wouldn't have anything to do with something Erica said this morning when she called me?" Kathy asked.

"How would I know if it is, or isn't, unless you tell me what she said?" I asked.

"Because you always seem to know everything," Kathy said.

"Am I really that bad?" I asked.

"Maybe if you weren't right all the time it wouldn't seem that bad," Kathy said.

"Let me guess she said something about Marc being dressed strangely this morning," I said.

"That's exactly what I mean, even when you can't possibly know you always seem to know," Kathy said.

"Marc made a promise to Jesse last night that means he'll be dressing that way for the next month at home, and I'm guessing Erica got there before he was ready to go," I said.

Kathy nodded and walked over to the passenger side of my car and waited for me to unlock the door.

I stood and asked her were she thought she was going.

"I was thinking about going with you," Kathy said.

"If you go with me, I know Nancy is going to be calling to try for the password for my old computer, the one Maude fried," I said.

"Why would she need that?" Kathy asked.

"There's an IT guy on his way to try getting the data what might be on it," I said.

"You didn't give her the clue you gave me?" Kathy asked.

"Of course I did, but she isn't you, and doesn't know how I think, the way you do," I said.

"You don't think she'll get it right?" Kathy asked.

"She won't even get her name right, so how would she get the rest of them right?" I asked.

"Yea, that one is tricky. Alright I'll stay here, but I do want to see everything when I come over tonight," Kathy said.

"I was hoping you and Jenny could meet us at the mall tomorrow, Michelle promised to go shopping at least once," I said.

"I like that name, who came up with it?" Kathy asked.

"Our big sister since Marc hadn't given it any thought when she asked," I said.

"So this is just for one month?" Kathy asked.

"One month plus at least one shopping trip," I said.

"You do know none of us will ever let him live it down?" Kathy asked.

"I think he's fully aware. Jesse did give him a chance to get out of it even after he promised," I said.

Kathy smiled and walked in the office. I started the car and drove to the adult store I knew and started looking around at the various items they had paying more attention to the items we were going to need than anything else.

"A transgender friend?" someone asked, after I set down the third pair of breast forms I picked up.

"Is this the best you have?" I asked.

"In that price range, but we do have some that are much more realistic and don't need a special bra to hold in place," they said walking me over to the service counter.

I stood there as they disappeared into a back room. I noticed the voice synthesizers and started looking at them while waiting.

"I understand those work great for male to females working on getting their voices right," the person said coming out carrying a couple different size boxes of breast forms.

"How do they work?" I asked.

They told me how they were supposed to work and even offered to demonstrate. They took the one I was holding and placed it over their throat and started to speak in the same voice they'd been using and I gave them a funny look.

"Sorry ma'am that wasn't turned on," they said and pressed a button I couldn't see and started speaking again.

This time their voice changed to more a feminine sounding voice and I smiled.

"What you did to turn it on, how hard would that be for someone who doesn't know?" I asked.

"It's really easy. You touch one side to turn it on and touch the other to turn it off," they said.

"But it only works if it's on that part of the neck?" I asked.

"Yes ma'am but it's easy to hide with the strip of tape and a little makeup," they said.

I nodded and said I wanted a couple of them in case one of them got damaged trying to figure it out.

I went through the different breast forms they brought out and picked one a little bigger than my old ones were, figuring since Marc was a little bigger than Erica and I and they should be about right for his frame.

After letting the clerk know about the breast forms and asking to get a couple pair a little smaller and another the same size I started looking at what they had in shoes that might fit Marc better than the ones I had that were too small. I found a pair of boots that would go well with most any of the one size fits all dresses I had, I added those as well. I looked at what they had for wigs which wasn't much and figured I'd look somewhere else, not liking any of the styles they had. If Marc was stuck with a wig like those he'd be better off staying with the wig I had that was the wrong color.

I paid for the things I had and put everything in the trunk and started looking for somewhere that dealt in wigs.

I found a wig shop and pulled in. when I entered the store I didn't see anyone, but didn't care at the moment. They had wigs hanging everywhere and trying to pick one was going to prove fruitless without help.

"Hello dear, is there something I can help you with?" a little old lady said coming out of a back room.

"I didn't know there were so many different kinds and styles of wigs," I said.

"There are several brands and some are much better than others, but for style there are really only two. You either have long wigs or you have short wigs," she said.

"But you have several styles hanging on the walls," I said.

"Yes we do, but a good wig is styled for the person when it's purchased not from some factory where they're guessing what should be, so it looks like a wig rather than the persons hair," she said.

"So I really should bring the person the wig is for in to select a wig?" I asked.

"If you want to pick one out for them that shouldn't be a problem, but they should be here to get it fit to them and get it styled how they would like it," she said.

"I think it would be better if I had them from the start. It's for a Halloween costume but I refuse to allow family to wear anything cheap even if it is for Halloween," I said.

"I take it it's for you husband then?" she asked.

"My fiancée actually," I said.

She smiled at me and let me know she didn't have a problem and most any wig or style was available.

I gave her enough to cover any of her more expensive wigs that were human hair. She said she could do a rough style, but with a human hair wig it would be best to go to the hair salon and let them know it was a wig and we just wanted to get it styled.

I headed for Marc's office and met him in the parking lot when I arrived.

"Are you just now getting to work?" I asked.

"You could say that, so did you find that information you said you might have?" Marc asked.

"I have someone working on retrieving it from my old computer if it's there. If it isn't on that hard drive it might be on one of the many floppy discs I found this morning," I said.

"Let me guess. You don't have a floppy drive on your computer so those need to be retrieved as well?" Marc asked.

"It's been so long since I've looked at any of that stuff I have no idea what a lot of it is, but I do know there are files on those discs that are attorney, client privilege so I'll let my IT man get them copied to something I can read on my computer and see that you get what information I can share," I said.

"So what do you need?" Marc asked.

"You, if you intend to keep that promise to Jesse," I said.

"So this visit is about that promise?" Marc asked.

"I didn't like the looks of that hair you had last night, the color is all wrong for you, as is the style," I said.

"So your out shopping to help me look a little better at home?" Marc asked.

"You promised to go shopping at least once, don't forget," I said.

"I did forget about that part. Alex do you have any idea what time Erica got to the house this morning?" Marc asked.

"I'm guessing before you were ready to go, if the conversation I had with Kathy when I was getting ready to leave the office is anything to go by," I said.

"I don't think I understand what Kathy would have to... Erica called Kathy?" Marc asked.

"That's what Kathy said," I said.

"I'm guessing you want me to get my hair cut so it can be fixed either feminine or masculine?" Marc asked.

"I was thinking a better wig than the one at the house, but if you'd rather get your hair done..." I said.

"No a different wig will be fine. I know my hair is long enough but when this is over I'd need to get it cut short to stop the guys here laughing at me," Marc said.

He got in the passenger side of my car and I drove back to the wig shop.

"Back already I see. I take it this is who the wigs are for?" the older woman said.

I smiled and she had Marc take a seat and found a wig close to the same color as his hair. She placed a net cap on his head making sure she got all his hair inside the cap and then placed the wig on his head making a few adjustment.

"How does that feel Hun?" she asked.

"I guess it feels alright," Marc said.

"If it starts giving you a head ache while your wearing it you may want to loosen it a little," she said.

She asked how he wanted it, and I said he should have bangs just above the eyebrows. Marc said he would rather have longer bangs that swept to one side blocking more of his face.

Since the sweeping bangs would be longer she combed it into a sweeping bang that covered most of his right eye and let him look in the mirror she had for the purpose.

I saw him smile and nodded that was good for that wig.

She picked up a shorter wig about the same color that had bangs like I suggested and went through the same routine of fitting it and again let him look in the mirror.

I smiled and noticed him brush the hair on his forehead and nodded that we wanted that one as well.

The old lady understood and took the wig he was wearing off his head and arranged both wigs on foam heads and said she would see about making sure the styles were set and they should be ready that afternoon.

I took Marc back to his office and headed for mine once he was inside.

How could I tell the man I loved the promise he made was for more than he knew. How would he take it when he found out in order to stop all of those involved in the sex slave racket he was going after, the racket that tore a hole in my family, would mean he and I both would have to do things neither of us wanted if we hoped to get Evan Fletcher, and everyone else involved.

I parked in my usual parking place and headed in stopping at the front desk.

"Elizabeth do you know if Nancy's friend is here yet to try recovering an old hard drive and a stack of floppy discs?"

"I believe they're in your office." Elizabeth said.

I headed for Kathy's office rather than mine.

"So are you going to let me see what you got?" Kathy asked when I stuck my head in her office.

"You'll have plenty of chances to see. Kathy I need to know everything that happened while I was gone to college. I know it isn't something easy to talk about, but I have to know how much change there was from when it was me they were using," I said.

"Alex if it hadn't been for Jim I don't think Niki, Jesse or I would have been here when you got back. Jim was willing to allow us to wear a henna tattoo belonging to him, he helped us make sure it didn't fade so anyone would have been able to know it wasn't real. When you were in prison I think they had given up on us, all that is except David and he was more interested in Jesse than he was in Niki or me," Kathy said.

"What about dad?" I asked.

"Dad hasn't been a man since you left for college, when he refused to get Niki, mom or I involved they forced him to take our place and told David they'd do the same to him if he didn't bring at least me in," Kathy said.

"David would have done that without the threat. I hope I have enough in those floppy discs and on the old hard drive to put these people away, because the only other way of getting the evidence I know of isn't something I want any part of and would hate to ask anyone else to take part in," I said.

"They would never take you back in Alex, they know you, and know they can't break you," Kathy said.

"And since I started transition how many people have gotten us mixed up? We're so close to the same size we both wear the same size clothes and shoes, so I could always go in as you rather than myself. If Jim is the wonderful man you say he is we could give me a henna tattoo just like the one you've had for the last ten years," I said.

"I don't know if it will work, there are a lot of people who can tell us apart," Kathy said.

I smiled at her comment because I had been mistaken for her so many time since getting out of prison. Yes everyone in the family could tell us apart, but most of that was because we didn't dress alike, and a few times since getting out of prison mom and Niki both got us mixed up.

"I think if we had our hair done the same and wore clothes that looked the same no one could tell us apart most of the time. Even with our hair styled different both mom and Niki got us mixed up a few time since I got out of prison," I said.

"Well I can't get my hair styled like yours, it's too short," Kathy said.

"You could never pull off being a lawyer either. Allen would see through it in seconds," I said.

"Why don't we wait and see what we can find. We both have people looking into getting us information so they can all be taken off the streets," Kathy said.

I smiled because I had no intention of doing anything unless we exhausted every other possibility.

I headed over to my office and saw a mess all over, with computer parts scattered around.

"I hope I'm not in the way if I use my desk," I said.

Nancy and a young man about the same age looked up at me and started laughing.

I found a path that allowed me to get to my chair and took a seat.

"So have you found anything yet?" I asked.

"The drive is retrievable but we haven't been able to get any information off it. Nancy said you gave her the password, but it doesn't seem to work," the young man said.

"Really? You didn't ask Kathy for help? She does know the password I had on that computer," I said.

"I told her what you said, and even said it and she said I was right, but it still isn't working," Nancy said.

"Really? You put in jessicadavidalexandrakatherinenicolenancy, and nothing happened?" I asked.

"That isn't right. You said our names from oldest to youngest," Nancy said.

"Yes I did say that and I did mean that, if you listen closely I named each of us in the order we were born. Jessica, David, Alexandra, Katherine, Nicole, Nancy," I said.

"But my name wasn't Nancy back then, it's only been Nancy for the last couple weeks," Nancy protested, and let out a gasp. "You knew that long ago?"

"I've known since you were a little girl, I'm probably the only one who knew back then, but you have to remember I know the signs better than anyone else in the family since I did so many of the same things," I said.

Nancy's friend entered each name as I said them and the contents of my old hard drive showed on the screen. He started to open one of the files and I started laughing. He gave me a dirty look and started typing in each name again only to have it come back with invalid password.

"How many passwords did you use?" he asked.

"A few, that one I do know, but there are a couple of them I'm not sure of, but have in my master password file," I said.

"Will you give me this one?" he asked.

"Can you copy the files I want without opening them?" I asked.

"Yes, that isn't that hard," he said.

"Then just copy the files I want, some of them are confidential," I said.

He started copying the files onto what he called an external hard drive that was bigger than the hard drive from the old computer.

"There's enough room on this external drive for everything on your hard drive," he said.

"I have a silly question for you. Would it have been possible to have just installed that old drive in my current computer?" I asked.

"That would have been hard since the computer there is a different configuration for hard drives," he said.

"Then do what you can to get all those files and if possible transfer them to CD's or DVD's," I said.

"Nancy said you wanted all those floppy discs moved over to DVD's as well," he said.

"If you can. Once you have this done though I would appreciate if you could do the rest in another office, and like the files here they are all password protected and many of them are confidential," I said.

"I understand and I think Nancy could probably do them if you have another computer we can use," Nancy's boy friend said.

"You'll need to check with Niki about that, she knows who is on what computers and what offices are available," I said.

Nancy gave him a dirty look, and he said not to worry it wasn't that hard to do what he was saying and since those discs all looked to be in good condition she should be able to handle it where he might need to watch over this if a problem came up.

Nancy headed off with her boyfriend in tow to find another office they could work out of. I sat there wondering just what I might find in the files from my old computer. Was the contract I wrote in those files or was it on one of those discs Nancy was going to be transferring onto DVD. I picked up the phone and called the house.

The answering machine picked up after the forth ring and I hung up. I needed to talk to someone, but who? Who could begin to understand what was wrong when everything seemed to be going well?

I pulled out the phone book and looked up the phone number for the firm I worked for after graduating.

"Evans and Brown, may I help you?" the receptionist answered.

"Is Dennis Evans available, this is Alexandra DeMay," I said.

"I'm sorry Ms DeMay, he's out of the office at the moment, is there a number he can reach you at?"

"Is Darryl Brown out as well?" I asked.

"No ma'am, but he isn't taking any new clients," the receptionist said.

"Why don't you let him know Alexandra DeMay is on the phone and see if he's willing to take my call," I said.

The receptionist put me on hold I supposed to see if Darryl would talk to me.

"I didn't expect to hear from you Alex," Darryl said when he came on the line.

"Believe me Darryl I didn't expect to ever be calling again after the argument I had with Dennis when I left," I said.

"You didn't call about old times did you?" Darryl asked.

"No, I called to see if by chance I could get a copy of that first contract Dennis had me write," I said.

"I think it might be better if we talk over lunch if your free," Darryl said.

"Lunch sounds good to me. Terry's at one?" I asked.

"Terry's would be fine but can we make it twelve-thirty?" Darryl asked.

"I'll see you there Darryl and please I'd rather Dennis didn't know what I'm calling about," I said.

I set the phone back in the cradle and leaned back in my chair.

If Darryl was willing to give me a copy of the contract maybe it wouldn't matter if I couldn't find it in any of my files.

Nancy's boyfriend came back in and smiled.

"It looks like it's done copying all your files off the old hard drive. If you want I noticed there were two computers in the office Nancy's in now and I could probably transfer these faster to DVD on one of those than I can on this old computer of mine," Nancy's boyfriend said.

"That'll be fine. When you get all those files on DVD's see either Niki, or my partner Allen, gets them since I have a lunch date and my office will be locked," I said.

He started picking up all his things.

"I have a question before you run off. Is my computer capable of reading that drive you put those files on?" I asked.

"It should be," he said.

He came over and plugged the drive into my computer and a window opened showing all the files that had been on my old computer. I found the file I hoped the contract was in and clicked on it. The computer asked for a password and I typed in the one I was sure was for that file. The window showing the files from the old computer changed showing the files that were in the folder I click on. I knew I had a copy of that contract, and now knew I could check what I actually wrote against what Darryl, or Dennis, might give me if they were willing to give me a copy at all.

"Can we put this file on this computer? I do still want it on DVD's with everything else off that hard drive," I said.

He placed his hand on my mouse and did a few things without explaining and showed me the file was now on the computer.

I thanked him and said I had a few things I needed to do he didn't need to know about.

He made a few more clicks and took the drive he had all the files he pulled off the old hard drive on and headed out of my office.

I looked at the file more closely, I found the clause I had written into the contract that few people knew anything about and was hard to find if you didn't know exactly what you were looking for.

In the years since leaving Evans and Brown it was possible they had found that clause and taken it out, but chances were if they made an attempt to do so they created even more clauses.

When I left them it was over something stupid, at least that was what Dennis said. He didn't like me trying to hold him to the contract we both signed that said I would become a full partner once I met certain criteria, and the week after that criteria had been met he still refused to give me full partner status.

I wondered what he thought when he found out I referred all my old clients to other firms even setting up appointments with those other firms for them and going in and letting those firms know the ins and outs of the contracts, something Evans and Brown didn't have.

A few of my old clients stayed with Evans and Brown, but most of them went to the firms I suggested, costing Evans and Brown millions in legal fees.

I looked at the clock and smiled. Darryl and I had always gotten along, but Darryl was the junior partner in the firm so didn't have much pull. I knew if he felt he could he'd get me that copy of the contract, but if it had been altered chances were Dennis was keeping it under close wraps.

"Niki I want you to come with me," I said sticking my head in Niki and Judy's office.

Niki grabbed her purse and briefcase and stood waiting.

"Judy those appeals need to be ready and filed by tomorrow before the courts close for the weekend. If I'm not here to go over them with you, talk to Allen and let him go over them to make sure they're ready," I said.

Judy looked over at me and nodded. I smiled, she was going to be a great lawyer one day if she continued putting forth the kind of effort she had for me thus far.

Niki and I walked out the door and she finally asked were we were going when we got to my car.

"We have a lunch date at twelve-thirty, I'd like you there, because the person it is with will be less likely to try lying to me with someone else there that isn't on his payroll," I said.

## Chapter 33

When we arrived at the restaurant Niki gave me a funny look, that said she didn't understand.

"We won't be here long and I'll be happy to take you wherever you would rather for lunch," I said.

"This place is supposed to be really expensive," Niki said.

"I guess. Niki we're meeting with one of the partners from the law firm I worked for when I graduated. Chances are they will both be here even though I was told one of them is out of town," I said.

At the reception I was asked if I had reservations and when I said I was there to meet with Darryl Brown was shown to a table with no one at it yet.

"You know Alex, if push comes to shove you'll lose." Dennis said behind me.

"That's where you're wrong Dennis. You lost when you tried cheating me out of what I earned. I think you'll find there are few lawyers in this town who wouldn't bet on me if we ever meet in the courtroom," I said.

"I'll give, that you are good in the courtroom, but I'm no slouch in the courtroom," Dennis said.

"So is Darryl sitting there with you, or did you do like you always do and told him you'd take care of me?" I asked.

"He had another engagement. He did say you were hoping to get a copy of the first contract you wrote for us though," Dennis said.

"If it isn't too much trouble," I said.

"It's no trouble at all, and I'd be delighted to give you a copy as soon as you get a court order telling me to do so. That contract belongs to my firm," Dennis said.

"No one's disputing that it's your contract, but I do still have the original and since writing that contract I've made several changes to contracts I write, so I'd never even think of using that contract. If I have to get a court order to get a copy of that contract I will," I said.

"You really can be a bitch," Dennis said.

"Of course I can, and originally you loved that about me, but then you decided you didn't have to live up to your end of the contract I signed to come to work for you, so all of a sudden you got bit in the ass. Dennis I couldn't care less about you and your firm any longer. I said I wouldn't practice law for five years when I left and that was up almost a year ago. If I were you Dennis I would start worrying about the newest law firm in town because it has a hell of a lot better lawyers than you will ever be able to get working for you. Something about the top name on the door making sure everyone working there is treated with dignity and respect. For your information Dennis, the client that contract was for is going down and if you know about the activities he's involved in you'll be going down with him," I said, and stood up and walked out.

Niki was a step behind me all the way to the door and came alongside once we were outside.

"That's the asshole you use to work for?" Niki asked.

"That's one way of putting it," I said.

Someone slipped me a piece of paper and I looked at them and smiled.

As they started walking away I told them I had room on my door for another name and an office a little smaller than the one they had the last I knew.

"That wouldn't be safe for either of us. Take what you have and let our association drop," Darryl said.

"Darryl if you stay with him you'll go down with him," I said.

"I'm not staying with him. Today was my last as a lawyer I'm now retired," Darryl said.

"Darryl!" I said and he turned around. "Thank you for this. I hope it's the same as when I wrote it, but would be surprised if it is," I smiled and let Darryl walk away.

Back at the car I asked Niki were she would like to go to get some lunch, and started laughing when she told me a nice little diner that wasn't very expensive, but served great food.

"Niki do you know who Evan Fletcher is?" I asked.

She looked across the diner at nothing and nodded that she did.

"I take it you don't like him?" I asked.

"Actually I don't trust him or anything he says. Alex he's as close to the top of that damned religion as it gets," Niki said.

"Do you know what he looks like?" I asked.

She looked across the diner at someone holding a newspaper and back at me.

"He looks like David only older," Niki said.

The man I met when I wrote that contract didn't look anything like David, but he never told me he was Evan Fletcher either.

We finished our lunch and headed back to the office, Nancy met us at the door and said Marc called and wanted to talk to me as soon as he could. I unlocked my office entering and sitting in my chair just wanting to stop the thoughts that had been playing through my mind all morning long.

I took out the paper Darryl passed me outside of Terry's restaurant, when I was on my way back to my car from talking with Dennis.

I looked at it carefully and frowned. This piece of paper wasn't anywhere near big enough to have a copy of the contract on it.

I unfolded the paper and there was a note telling me Dennis had been told if he couldn't stop me he would find there wasn't any place he could hide. Darryl was done he had seen enough he knew if he didn't get out now he'd be dead in a few days. He hoped I understood he couldn't help me, but he just wanted to protect his family.

I pulled up the copy of the contract I had and started going over it closer. There had to be something, but what? I read the contract over word by word and nothing jumped out.

"Mind if we talk?" Allen said coming in my office.

"What do you need?" I asked.

"I don't think it's me who needs. Alex you seem obsessed with something. I know you're driven, you showed that in college, but this goes way beyond driven," Allen said.

"You were number two in our class, and one of the few I always knew I could trust. Allen, do you know about the sexual and physical abuse the police and FBI are working on in this area?"

"I've heard about it," Allen said.

"I'm one of their key witnesses. My oldest sister is as well. From the time I was eight years old I was one of the victims of that abuse for over nine years, then I learned a little kick-boxing and was able to stop it for me and my sisters as long as I was here," I said.

"That's why you came back here between quarters wasn't it?" Allen asked.

"That's why I took martial arts too. Allen, after I left for college I made my twin sister promise she would let me know if those involved tried anything. She didn't let me know and I do understand her reason, a little. A few weeks ago my big brother kidnapped Niki and my fiancé's little sister and tied them to beds in our home. When we got home he intended to use them to get me to do what he wanted and when the police were trying to arrest him he got one of their guns and took a shot at me. He missed, but I didn't. Before he could get another shot off I threw one of my throwing stars and hit him in the neck severing his carotid artery and windpipe. He drowned in his own blood," I said.

Allen nodded that he understood. He had seen me practicing with my throwing stars and knew I was very accurate with them, he also knew how sharp they were.

"I changed my name legally about two and a half years ago, before I made it out of the courthouse I was arrested for the murder of the person whose name I had from birth. A circus trail and I was sentenced to life without parole in the state prison. My fiancée was working undercover and we met in the jail awaiting transportation to the prison. For the next year plus I was an inmate in the males section of the state prison, but even there I never dressed as a man. Several of the guards would make sure I had dresses to wear and usually those dresses were something a prostitute wouldn't wear because of how short they were. To me they were still better than wearing jeans like all the other inmates," I said.

"There's more, I can tell there is and I don't remember those scars on your arms from school," Allen said.

"Six months before I got out Marc was pulled out and I was basically alone in the prison. Two weeks before I got out I was moved to solitary and told it was for my safety. After two weeks of being locked up for twenty-three hours a day and virtually no contact with anyone I gave up hope and thus the scars. That was the first time, the second time was right after I killed my brother. I saw fear in my fiancées eyes and took another star and slit both arms from wrist to elbow. I would have rather been dead than have Marc fear me," I said.

"I can't imagine what you've been through," Allen said.

"Now I need help and don't know if you'll be able to see something I'm missing or not, Allen this is the first contract I wrote after graduating. I know there's something here that holds answers, but for the life of me I can't find it," I said.

He started reading the contract and stopped.

"That contract is for a Mr Evan Fletcher, isn't it?" Allen asked.

"Why do you ask?" I asked.

"The wording is a little different, but the premise is the same as a contract I dealt with a year ago. To be honest I'm glad it wasn't this contract since the clause we went after doesn't appear to be in this one," Allen said.

"Have you got a copy of that contract?" I asked.

"Yes and the next revision after that," Allen said.

"Would you mind if I look at them?" I asked.

Allen went down to his office and returned a few minutes later with a disc that had a copy of both contracts he said he had. I printed all three contracts out so I could more easily compare them and saw the changes someone made from the contract I wrote.

The loophole I had written in was even bigger in the newest version, but was still the smallest loophole in all of them.

The copy's Allen had were filled in with names and dates where the one I wrote was still blank.

Allen pulled up a chair opposite me and we started going over each one picking them apart, but still not finding what I was hoping for.

"Allen the people these two contracts were with did they ever tell you what the contracts were about?" I asked.

"Something about religious donations," Allen said.

That would explain the dollar amount on the contract.

"You're saying they signed these contracts pledging the said amount?" I asked.

"That's what they said. The thing is it doesn't say over what kind of time frame they are to pay the stated amount, and if you look here there is a clause that if they become unable at any time to pay, the entirety of the pledge is null and void. In both cases it wasn't they weren't able or willing to give the pledge amount, but the time frame became an issue," Allen said.

"There is no time frame spelled out in either of these contracts, so they should have had their lifetime if that's what it took, and even then if they ever left the religion the pledge amount became null," I said.

"There is one other thing missing from these contracts," Allen said.

"No alternate form of payment such as volunteering to help with services, grounds keeping, or whatever," I said.

Allen showed me what he had done to win his suits against these contracts and I smiled, maybe he had learned a little from the work we had done together in our contract law classes.

"Allen would you mind if I bring someone else in on this?" I asked.

"The only lawyer I know around here that could begin to keep up with me let alone you would be Brent Cordell, and according to my sources he's working on defending a couple people involved in the abuse case you were talking about," Allen said.

"He is, but I think he might be interested in this because it might help with his defense. Besides I was hoping to bring him into the firm once he and I are no longer on opposite sides," I said.

"You know who he's defending?" Allen asked.

"Of course. I'm the one paying the bill since one of them happens be be my father," I said.

"You are full of surprises," Allen said.

"Allen my father was a good man before he got mixed up with the people who are responsible for the worst of the abuse. Until I was eight my family was wonderful, we were all happy and loved life. Mom and dad didn't have a problem with me wanting to dress up and play house with Jesse and Kathy rather than baseball and cowboys and Indians with David. After I turned eight things started changing, dad got more and more involved in church, and started getting angry whenever he saw me dressed in my sisters clothes playing house. For about six months he told me I was a boy and would act like a boy or be punished. When the threats didn't work he started spankings and when they didn't work, is when the real abuse started," I said.

I picked up the phone and called Brent and asked if he would be interested in getting something that might help him in his defense of my father. I also let him know I had an offer for him.

"So is he coming over?" Allen asked.

"He said it would be about an hour," I said.

"Maybe we should move this into the conference room. I noticed you have a way of projecting on either the wall or a screen," Allen said.

An hour later Brent showed up with Marc right on his heels.

"Did you need something babe?" I asked Marc.

"I can't just stop by and see some of my favorite girls?" Marc asked.

"Of course you can, but you'll need to give me about an hour before I can spend much if any time with you, I have a meeting I need to attend, since my name is the first one on the door," I said.

Brent and Marc both gave me a dubious look.

"Umm, Alex I think if this meeting is about what I suspect it would be a good idea to have him in there too," Brent said.

"You invited him?" I asked.

"He was sitting in my office when you called," Brent said.

"When we get to that point in our discussion I guess we could invite him in, but I would like to take care of a few other things first," I said.

I looked at Marc and smiled letting him know it wasn't I didn't care about him, but if he stayed in law enforcement there were likely to be times we could end up on opposite sides, and I wanted him to respect that not all of my work was his business.

"I guess I can talk to some of the other women until your ready for me," Marc said.

"Be careful Marc at least one of the other women here know about the promise you made Jesse last night," I said winking at him.

"Do you always tell her everything?" Marc asked.

"I didn't tell her, your little sister did," I said.

Allen, Brent and I all headed down the hall to the conference room Allen and I decided would be a better place to hold this meeting.

I stopped at Niki's office and asked her to find and direct Marc to us when we were ready, but otherwise help Kathy and Nancy keep him busy so he didn't start wondering.

"So you two have gone in together?" Brent asked.

"If you mean have we decided to form our own law firm, the answer is yes, but we're hoping for one more partner," I said.

Brent looked from me to Allen and back to me.

"Brent we hope when the conflict of interest between you and Alex is over you would be willing to join us," Allen said.

"Brent if a suspicion of mine is right, and between what we have here and what you have we'll likely be able to confirm it, I would be willing to tell the DA your clients didn't participate willingly, but were subjects of the abuse as much as I was," I said.

"I intended to use something like that for a defense," Brent said.

"How about we get Marc in here so we can get his prospective on what we have. Brent we can wait for your answer on our proposal," I said.

I stepped out the door and Niki was standing by her office she looked at me and I nodded. I stepped back in the room and both Brent and Allen gave me a dirty look.

"I thought you were going to get Marc," Brent said, just as Marc opened the door and stepped in.

"My little sister was just outside and went to get him," I said.

Once I had taken my seat again and Marc was seated, introductions were made.

"Marc for the record your invited into this meeting simply because we believe it advantageous to all concerned since you are the lead investigator in what we are about to discuss," I said.

"I appreciate that," Marc said.

"Some of the information was obtained through attorney client privilege, while you will see it here it will not be made available without a court order," Allen said.

Marc didn't say anything but did nod he understood.

The meeting started with me showing the contract I wrote fresh out of college and going over each part of the contract explaining it was a generic contract that could be used for virtually anything.

From the contract I wrote Allen presented the two contracts he had dealt with, having blacked out his clients names while leaving the names of everyone else involved in the contract. From Allen we moved over to Brent and the information he had on the case including copies of contracts his clients had been under, dating back to the time the abuse that was done to Jesse and I started.

Before we went very far into what those contracts were I had to stop Brent and leave the room to collect myself. I hadn't known about any contracts and perhaps if I had the feelings for my father would have been different.

Marc came out to find me when I didn't return right away.

"You didn't know anything about this did you?" Marc asked.

"No, I didn't know about any contracts, but I was only eight years old at the time, so they likely wouldn't have meant much anyway," I said.

I wiped the tears from my cheeks and we returned to the room to finish the meeting. Neither Brent nor Allen said anything about my needing to step out of the room, and I didn't feel I could explain, since I wasn't sure what I felt.

After Brent was finished with his presentation we all sat there thinking our own thoughts.

"Brent I want to ask you something, and I do want an honest answer. Do you believe those men you are defending have paid an appropriate price for the wrongs they've committed?" I asked.

"I don't know, I really don't know. I know both of them wish they could turn back time and undo the things they did to you and so many others, but to say they've paid the price for what they've done, I don't know, and I'm glad I'm not the one who has to make that decision," Brent said.

"What about you Allen? After hearing what has been said here and learning what you have about the atrocities committed what do you think?" I asked.

"I'm with Brent, if they truly do regret what they were involved in maybe the idea they have to live with the knowledge they were capable of such, along with what they've suffered is enough, but I'm glad I'm not the one who has to make that decision," Allen said.

"Marc I want to talk to the prosecutor in this about what they intend for those men. With what they've provided and what we've shown here I believe there is enough to arrest the remainder of those involved and hold them without bail for an extended period. I have no doubt all of them, with my testimony, and the testimony of others, will all be in jail for the remainder of their miserable lives," I said.

"I can arrange that, but I'm not sure they'll be willing to hear what you have to say if it means they don't get jail time," Marc said.

"If you plan on riding back to your car with Brent it looks like he's ready to go," I said.

I watched as Marc walked out to Brent's car with him and turned to my office. I pulled the door closed and walked around my desk and started crying.

Someone was knocking on my office door and I sat there crying for all the loss over the years.

The door opened and I looked up ready to scold whoever it was for disturbing me.

"I have a picture I want you to see," Niki said coming in my office and closing the door behind her.

"I'm not interested, and the next time my door is closed and you barge in like this might be your last day working here," I snarled.

She set the picture on the desk and turned to leave.

"Who is that?" I asked, before she reached the door.

"It's Evan Fletcher, you asked if I knew who he is?" Niki said.

The picture was grainy, but the man in the picture was still recognizable.

"So this is the little minx I've heard so much about? You've done well Dave and if she can handle taking care of the men the way I've heard she just might be able to pay off that debt you owe," Evan Fletcher said as the memory of the first time I ever saw him played through my mind.

"Thank you Niki," I said not looking up from the picture sitting on my desk.

"Marc is out in the reception area, he said he was hoping he could talk to you, and he needs a ride back to his car," Niki said.

I finally looked up and saw Niki smile.

She opened the door and walked out leaving the door open.

Marc stepped in my door and smiled.

"I thought you were getting a ride back to your car from Brent," I said.

"He would have given me a ride, but needed to go somewhere else, besides I wanted to talk to you about something," Marc said.

"Then why don't you close the door unless you don't mind everyone in the office knowing what it is we talk about," I said.

Marc closed the door and came over to the chair on the other side of my desk.

"I..." Marc stuttered.

"The wigs we bought are ready if you want to go pick them up," I said.

"I don't have my car here," Marc said.

"I know that, but you can use mine, if you want to go pick the wigs up then we won't have to make that stop on the way home," I said.

"You do know I don't have any ID I could use comfortably when I'm Michelle." Marc said.

"Is that what this is all about?" I asked.

"I was hoping you could tell me how we can get around that," Marc said.

"If you go pick up those wigs I'll have everything ready so that isn't an issue when you get back. We'll need to get some pictures of Michelle but that isn't a big issue. When you get back from picking up the wigs there are a couple packages in the trunk you'll need to bring it along with which ever one of the wigs you want Michelle wearing in her ID photos," I said.

"So your suggesting I become Michelle here before we go home?" Marc asked.

"Are you Michelle or not?" I asked.

## Chapter 34

I gave Marc my keys so he could pick up the wigs, and suggested if he wanted to pick up his car he could take Nancy with him to drive one of the cars back to the office. He asked if I wanted my door open or closed when he left and I told him I didn't care.

I started doing a little research on driver licenses and what it would take to make one for Michelle with the same number on it as for Marc. Niki came in and saw what I was doing and started laughing.

"If you need a fake driver license why didn't you ask?" Niki asked.

"Do you know how to fix up a fake birth certificate as well?" I asked.

"Judy and I can do a persons whole life if they want. Alex I learned how to do that for Nancy, so she could go out as herself before she decided to go full-time," Niki said.

"In that case I need a complete life for a Michelle Adleson," I said.

"Do you have a picture of her?" Niki asked.

"Not yet, but we can save that for later, after Marc gets back with my car," I said.

"You mean Marc is transgender?" Niki asked.

"I don't know Niki. Last night Marc made a promise to Jesse that at home he would only be Michelle if she would give him the name of the person she believed to be calling the shots about the abuse. Jesse gave him the name and told him he didn't have to keep the promise because she did trust him for going through the effort of being Michelle last night, but Marc is insisting on keeping the promise," I said.

"There's more to the promise than just being Michelle at home isn't there?" Niki asked.

"Thus the reason for needing the fake IDs," I said.

Niki disappeared back to her office and an hour later emerged with Judy holding up all but a picture ID for a Michelle Adleson. She set the papers on my desk and said as soon as they had a picture of Michelle they could have the rest done and even have it so if the name was run for some reason it came back with Marc's information but under the name Michelle.

"It'll be about an hour since I just saw my car pull in. Can you let Kathy know I could use her help in doing a make-over?" I asked.

I saw Marc open the front door holding the package I asked him to bring in when he got back and smiled. Kathy came in my office just as Marc turned toward my office. At my door I took one of the packages and let him in the office closing the door behind him.

"You need to take off your coat and shirt first Marc," I said.

He set the package he had down and removed his jacket and started unbuttoning his shirt before noticing Kathy.

"She's here to help and so far nothing I've asked would be considered indecent, so either take your shirt off or you can pack all this stuff up and go home," I said.

Marc finished taking his shirt off and I handed him the bra I was sure would fit better than the one he wore the night before.

He looked at it and then me as though unsure what I wanted.

Kathy took the bra from him and held it for him to put his arms through. When he turned to face her she gave him a disgusted look and slid the bra on his arm reaching around him and sliding the other strap on, pulling the straps up on his shoulders and reaching around him clasping the bra in place.

Kathy started adjusting one shoulder strap while I adjusted the other until we had the cups where we thought they should be. I handed Kathy one breast form while I took the other and we slid them into the cups of the bra adjusting them so they looked as natural as possible. We did a little more adjusting on the straps until I was satisfied then I stood in front of him and removed the paper backing off one of the breast forms making sure I didn't change the way it looked, then removed the paper backing from the other making sure the adhesive on the forms was against his chest fully.

I walked around him and stood on my tiptoes so I could whisper in his ear.

"You need to wear this bra for the next eight hours at least so it would be a good idea if you don't plan on taking it off until morning," I whispered.

He nodded looking in the mirror I had on the wall behind the door.

I looked him in the eye and smiled knowing he knew this wasn't something he would be able to undo and redo easily every day.

I asked Kathy if she could help with makeup and she smiled and said we had another sister that could do a much better job and would probably love to get away from what she was doing.

Since Nancy and Niki had always held a distance from me I didn't know a lot about either of them, but was learning.

Kathy left my office closing the door behind her and a few minutes later someone knocked on the door. When I opened it Nancy stood there saying Kathy said I wanted to see her.

"Kathy said you know more about makeup than she does," I said.

"I love the way you do your makeup, but if you're having problems maybe I can help, I did take classes at the community college and am qualified in makeup and nails," Nancy said.

I opened the door enough for her to come in and closed it behind her when she did.

"Nancy this is Michelle and she needs help with her makeup and would probably love having you teach her so she can at least do her makeup enough to go out in public without looking like a clown," I said.

Nancy walked far enough in to see the person sitting in the chair and smiled.

"I'd be honored to help her learn enough to apply her makeup for everyday wear," Nancy said.

Marc gave me a dirty look, but otherwise didn't move.

"Can I ask how long this is for?" Nancy asked.

"The next month. Jesse made me promise to be Michelle for a month in order to get a name we didn't have in our investigation," Marc said.

Nancy nodded and started looking over the makeup in the package. She spotted the voice synthesizer and before doing any of the makeup placed it on Marc's neck where it should be to work properly.

"I can show you how to turn that on and off after we're done, and I hope you'll let me redo the makeup at least in the area where it is, no later than tomorrow or you'll find it showing like an adams-apple," Nancy said.

Marc looked over at me and I saw the question in his eyes. How many of my sisters knew about this, and why?

I came over closer so I could watch Nancy and maybe pickup a few pointers in how to do my makeup better.

"They all know Marc, the reason is, because they know how to do parts of this I don't, while making it so it can all be undone without a lot of complications," I said.

He now understood it wasn't done to make him look smaller than needed, but to help him be able to live the life he agreed to more easily. I knew none of my sisters would make fun of him, or try to belittle him in any way. I knew they would see this as someone who cared enough to take a chance of being totally humiliated so someone else could feel protected better.

Nancy finished the makeup faster than I could have done my own makeup after all the years I had been doing it.

When she was done she showed Marc how touching one side of the synthesizer turned it on and touching the other turned it off. Like me, she never told him the synthesizer had a limited battery life and would become worthless in a few weeks at most. I never told Marc because I knew the synthesizer was more than just a synthesizer, in that it helped by putting his own voice in the feminine range rather than a truly synthesized voice, and in the time the battery should last would teach him to keep his voice in the female range.

Kathy returned with what she had for Michelle and her and Nancy both left the office.

"Jesse said she wouldn't hold you to this," I said.

"I made the promise. I'll admit I have had second thoughts on this since making the promise and especially last night because of how strange it all felt. Then today when you took me to find those wigs and put that vibrator in I was really starting to wonder if maybe I wouldn't be strong enough to say no once the month is over. In the end what I care about is your respect for me and I know if I did anything to hurt you or one of your sisters that respect would be forever gone," Michelle said.

"Then it's time to take off everything from the waist down, and yes that does include the prosthetic you've been wearing all day," I said.

Michelle stripped off the pants and panties she was wearing and I assisted her in removing the prosthetic she was wearing then helped her put on the one I bought earlier that was even more realistic than the old one. I put the vibrator back in her once it was in place and she had on the matching panties to the bra she was wearing.

I held out the blouse and watched as she slid it on and started trying to figure out how it buttoned up.

"It buttons up backwards from what your used to," I said.

Michelle gave me a dirty look and buttoned up her blouse. I looked at how it fit and handed her the skirt telling her not to tuck the blouse in since it was flared at the hips. She stepped into the skirt and positioned it so the zipper was in the front center rather than over the left hip. I didn't say anything until she didn't turn it, finally saying something before handing her the jacket.

"That type of skirt does up on the left side, so you either need to turn the skirt so the zipper is on the left or undo it and do it up so the zipper is on the left," I said.

She tried to turn the skirt and got frustrated so undid the zipper and twisted the skirt and pulled the zipper back up.

"Why do they make this so complicated?" Michelle asked.

"It isn't that complicated once you get use to it," I said.

I handed her the jacket and told her not to button it since her blouse didn't tuck in.

I opened the box that had the wig and smiled since it was the one with the bangs. I set it on her head and helped adjust it so it was straight and smiled.

"You look beautiful. How about we let Niki get the pictures she needs to finish making your IDs and then we can go do a little shopping before we go home," I said.

I asked Niki to see about getting Michelle's car home for us since I wanted to take her shopping so she had more clothes than just the one size fits all, hanging in my closet and the suit she was wearing that Kathy bought her.

I took her to the store I bought all my clothes at and told them she would need a full wardrobe, that included business suits and party dresses.

While they showed her through the business suits I said I needed to take care of something and would be back shortly. Michelle started to panic until I told her I wasn't leaving the store just going to another part and would be back in a few minutes. I headed for the jewelry department to talk to them about piercing her ears and rather than using the standard piercing studs see if perhaps they had some earring that would dangle a little.

I saw a best friend necklace and asked to see it. It was two hearts each looking broken with a diamond and a ruby on each that when they were together would lock them.

The jeweler told me he hadn't ever done piercing like I was asking, but had some beautiful earrings that could be linked to the piercing studs they used. He showed me what he meant and I said I loved the idea since it would give Michelle a lot more versatility in her jewelry. Before I headed back to where Michelle was in the store I spotted an engagement set that was perfect, and added it to the list of other jewelry I bought and left there until we were done shopping and came back to get Michelle's ears pierced.

I found Michelle in the club wear looking at dresses that made what I wore while in prison seem modest.

"I think we should be looking for something a little more covering," I said.

"I didn't plan on getting any of these, but did want to see what was considered appropriate for wearing out dancing these days," Michelle said.

"I'm glad to hear you think this not worth the money it costs. I wish more people felt that way," I said.

"How could something like this be considered worth the cost? A woman would be less trashy wearing nothing," Michelle said.

I smiled and found a dress that was short but didn't broadcast easy and asked Michelle to try it on. Since it was made of a double knit material it didn't have a zipper or any buttons to contend with and it would leave her shoulders mostly bare.

She took it and a couple others we found into the dressing room and tried each on coming out to let me see how each looked.

Of the half dozen she took in I agreed to three of the more modest, and let her know that while clubbing could be fun she needed some evening wear as well.

In the evening wear we found a half dozen dresses we both liked, two of them copies of dresses I had hanging in my closet. We got all six dresses the two that were like some I had we got in different colors than mine were.

From evening gowns we headed for the shoe department and found several pairs of shoes and boots to go with all the new clothes Michelle was going to have. I started thinking about the promise and all the new clothes Michelle was getting and wondered just how long this femme period was really going to last and if maybe all Michelle needed was a push like Jesse gave.

From shoes we headed for jewelry and got Michelle's ears pierced with a little complaining about what she would do when the month was up. I giggled about her complaint since it was much weaker than it should have been for a man sure of his gender who intended to carry through on a promise, but only as far as that promise went.

I took half of the friendship necklace and placed it around Michelle's neck and saw a tear in her eye as she read the card that came with the necklace. The jeweler asked to see her left hand and slid his ring sizer on her ring finger and smiled at her saying every girl should know what size ring she wore.

I followed the jeweler across the department where he handed me the ring I picked out in the right size for Michelle.

I walked back over to Michelle and took out the engagement band and slid it on her finger.

"Whether you are Michelle or Marc I want to be your wife," I said.

The tears started flowing even harder down Michelle's cheeks as she understood whatever she chose I still wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

Michelle's tears dried up after about fifteen minutes and we headed out to the car after I made arrangements to have everything delivered. When we pulled in the driveway and I put my car in its usual place, Andrea came running up going to the passenger side since until now every time Marc and I had been out together he drove.

"Mom aunt Niki said you..." Andrea started and stopped, the look of confusion on her face almost comical.

"Andrea meet Michelle," I said.

Andrea held out her hand to give Michelle a hand getting out of the car.

"You look a lot better than you did last night," Andrea said.

"Thank you Andrea, I feel a lot different than I did last night too," Michelle said.

Andrea looked across the car at me, the question in her expression one I knew all the kids were going to have, and I didn't want to try explaining multiple times so ignored it for the moment.

"Andrea do you know where everyone else is?" I asked.

She nodded understanding she wasn't going to get an explanation yet, so smiled and said Lindsey and Erica were out riding and the little kids were in with Jesse.

Andrea, Michelle and I headed for the house and I spotted Lindsey and Erica approaching from the direction of Erica's. I looked over at Andrea hoping she might be able to explain, only to watch her run ahead to the house.

Michelle went in the living room where Jesse, Angela and Marc were and sat in her favorite chair. I cornered Andrea at the top of the stairs.

"Erica and I got in a fight. Mom she treats me like a little kid and... I'm sorry she blamed me because of how Marc was dressed this morning when she got here," Andrea said.

"Andrea it isn't your fault and never was. If anyone can take the blame for how Michelle was dressed last night and this morning it's me. I'm the one who didn't stop this before it got this far, and it's me who has encouraged it farther than anyone knows aside from me at the moment," I said.

"I don't understand mom?" Andrea said.

"This morning I went and got a few things so Michelle will feel more comfortable as Michelle. The breast forms she is wearing are a kind that if she keeps them on with the bra over night won't need a bra to hold them in place any longer. The prosthetic she is wearing is one I've never worn before but from appearances looks more real than any I've ever seen before and don't require the waist straps the one you are wearing does. The synthesizer she has on is easily hidden with makeup and has a battery life of between two weeks and two months depending on how much it's used. Michelle locked it on so it can't be turned off and trying to take it off while it's turned on would be dangerous," I said.

"It will teach her to sound like a woman?" Andrea asked.

"It brings her voice in the female range for her voice-box. Because she locked it on it will keep her voice in that range and as she learns to use the speech patterns woman use it will make going back to the male voice more and more difficult. Andrea, Michelle doesn't want to go back to being Marc. She has seen the woman she always saw in her dreams and that's who she wants to be now," I said.

"I just want her to be happy," Andrea said.

"That's all anyone should want sweetheart," I said.

I walked out to the barn while Michelle and Andrea settled in the house. From what Andrea said I didn't feel it would be a good idea to let Andrea be confronted by Erica again, especially if Erica really did blame Andrea for Michelle.

Lindsey was the first to enter the barn since she had her horse to take care of while Erica still needed to ride hers back to her place.

"Want to tell me what happened here today?" I asked when Lindsey was on the ground.

"Aunt Erica accused Andrea of making Uncle Marc believe he's a woman named Michelle. Mom I know that isn't true, and I tried telling Aunt Erica that, she then said it was my fault and... mom I didn't think Aunt Erica could be that way since I know she wasn't always thought to be a woman," Lindsey said.

"Why don't you go talk to Andrea and let her know you don't blame her, and I'll try dealing with Aunt Erica," I said.

"What about my horse?" Lindsey asked.

"You can come out and take care of him after Aunt Erica leaves," I said.

"Mom was that Aunt Michelle that was with you when Aunt Erica and I rode up?" Lindsey asked.

"Go on in the house dear we can talk about all of this later," I said.

I walked out of the barn with Lindsey letting her know to keep going on to the house while I dealt with Erica.

"Your as guilty as they are," Erica said, disgust heavy in her voice.

"Your wrong Erica, if anything I'm more guilty than they are since I'm the one who didn't stop this when it started. I guess I just didn't see what is happening when it all started, but then love does blind a person to things they would rather not see," I said.

"Love! You never loved him, if you did you would have told him how stupid he's being," Erica said.

"And just why do you think he's being stupid? If I'm not mistaken it wasn't all that long ago you were the one who finally wanted to live what others had called a lie, and Marc was willing to accept you, for who you said you are," I said.

"That's different I never liked doing things men do and Marc loved those kinds of things," Erica said.

"Really? You really believe that? Isn't it you who loves riding horses and running a dairy farm? That sounds like something a man might like better than a woman so does that mean your a man?" I asked.

"But I never tried having tits that looked so ridiculously big," Erica said.

"When you dressed with my help we used my old breast forms that I'm guessing your still using. Last night we didn't have any breast forms other than the ones we used. If you go in and take a look now you'll find Michelle no longer has tits that stick out beyond what's reasonable, and she's wearing, or was wearing an outfit that didn't look like she was trying to be a slut instead of the respectable person she is," I said.

"Marc said this morning it was for a month then he'd be his old self again," Erica said.

"So this whole thing is because you can't accept someone for who they are, if it doesn't match what you think they should be?" I asked.

"It's not like that, Marc is my brother, he's always been... he's always been my brother," Erica said.

"I'm surprised at you Erica. You had always been Marc's brother, and when you tried to convince everyone you were gay he accepted you without question, then one day you dress as the woman you've shown for the last few weeks and he accepted you as his sister, and you have the nerve to blame my children and I of making Marc be something you don't want him to be, because it isn't who you think he should be. You didn't learn that kind of behavior from Marc, and I doubt you learned it from Linda. Though I never met Linda, Marc and Lindsey have both told me a great deal about her. So tell me Erica where did you learn to be so judgmental? Who told you, you could tell someone else who they should be?" I asked.

Erica gave me a dirty look and turned her horse and rode off at a full gallop never looking back.

I walked in the house and was met by Angela and Marc, both running up to me throwing their arms around my legs.

I leaned down when they let go long enough for me to move without falling over.

"Where you good for Aunt Jesse?" I asked.

They both nodded with big smiles on their faces. I picked them both up and headed into the living room to find Michelle sitting in her favorite chair still wearing the business suit Kathy gave her. Jesse was sitting over on the couch looking like she was reading a book of some kind, Andrea and Lindsey were somewhere else, probably down in Andrea's room.

I headed for the bedroom to get cleaned up before starting dinner. I stepped in the bedroom and felt a loss. This bedroom was so beautiful compared to what I was use to and the chances of it continuing to be mine were slim. When Michelle finally figured out what it really was she wanted would I still be there or would it be some man? I knew I couldn't be a man, not for any reason. I hadn't hidden who I am for far to many years, and even when I had tried hiding the real me it hadn't done any good because it was a facade I wasn't able to maintain.

I felt the tears in my eyes. Over the years I had learned to hide all the hurt caused by the abuse. All the hurt of having to be so strong when all I wanted was to feel safe and know I was loved. How many times over the years had I turned away from someone who might have been able to love me for the woman I am, simply because I didn't want anyone to know how broken I was inside.

I sat on the bed fighting to hold back tears of yet more hurt I needed to endure, wondering if the hurt would ever end and I would be able to finally find some joy in a relationship with someone who loved me just for me.

Why had Michelle (I found I couldn't think of her in any other way now) stopped me from leaving that last time? Why was it so hard for others to see what was so clear to me?

My sisters were now safe. The people I cared most about no longer needed me to be strong for them, so what purpose did life have any longer?

I stripped off the armor of the profession I had chosen so long ago and walked in the restroom stepping in the shower. It would be such a simple thing to finally finish what I had started and been stopped from twice now. I knew the feeling of slipping away, of having the cares of this life slide away, but what about my kids? Would Michelle be able to ever become their mother? Could anyone else? They needed someone they could look to, and they had chosen me to be that someone.

I washed the day off and stepped out wrapping myself in a towel.

I found a house dress hanging in my closet I hadn't worn in more years than I could remember and took it out looking it over wondering if I really wanted to go back to work.

I had no idea just how much money I still had, in part because money never really meant much to me other than it was a way of accomplishing things I would otherwise not be able to accomplish.

The day I bought the dress came flooding back causing me to sit on the bed or find myself laying in a heap on the floor.

I was still in high school working to save money so I could go on to college. It was a break time and I was walking through the shopping center window shopping. At a store across the center from where I was working I saw this dress in the window and even knowing how little time I had before I was supposed to be back at work I walked in and found the dress in my size so bought it. I was five minutes late when I got back to the store I worked in and Dennis Nielsen my direct supervisor told me he wouldn't make an excuse for me this time.

I knew I was going to be told they no longer needed me if I couldn't come up with a good reason for being late again. I knew Dennis had a thing for Kathy and loved surprising her with unexpected gifts, many of which were things I bought for myself. I showed Dennis the dress and told him Kathy had seen it and wanted it, so when I saw it I just had to get it for her. He picked up the dress and looked it over smiling, he told me he would see she got it and he'd tell management I was on store business during my break and it took longer than expected.

He took the bag with the dress and put it in his locker telling me to get back to work.

The following Friday night Kathy had to show me the dress Dennis gave her and I smiled. I knew I would get to wear it whenever I wanted and to me, at that time, that was good enough.

Kathy must have found out somehow that most of the little presents she received from Dennis were actually things I bought and he took in order to cover for me being late getting back from a break.

I slid the dress on and cherished the feel of how it hugged my breasts and waist. Never in all the times I had worn this dress when it hung in Kathy's closet had it ever felt so... what were the words to describe the feeling? Right? Not really it had always felt right. Comforting, perhaps? That fit as well as anything else I could think of. The dress did have a comforting feel to it this time I didn't remember it ever having before.

I headed for the kitchen and started fixing dinner wondering still if I really did have a purpose any longer.

"Mom, Andrea said she wants to learn to ride and since I didn't get Happy taken care of when I got back, I told her I would help," Lindsey said as her and Andrea headed out the kitchen door for the barn.

Another one of those things that seemed so natural to me. For anyone who didn't know I hadn't been riding horses all my life, chances of them figuring it out were next to none. The day Rose was introduced to me I climbed on her back without a saddle and took off across the property.

I intended to finish what I started twice and been denied twice. When I got to the far side of the property I got off Rose and started looking around trying to figure out if anyone could find me before it was too late, and Lindsey rode up on Happy.

A couple days later we found out that Lindsey, Angela and Marc were orphans and Marc was their only living relative with a big enough house for all of them.

It seemed like a life-time ago Lindsey first called me mom and I really hadn't noticed, because it felt so right. I had a man I admired deeply who always said he loved me. Lindsey and her brother and sister had been staying with Marc and I since their parents hadn't shown up to get them and Erica complained she didn't have the room for them.

Then Andrea showed up here with some other kids who thought they could scare Marc and I, and the following morning also started calling me mom. To me all four of these kids were mine, I was their mother. Marc was going to be their father if he wanted the job, but he had a secret all of us missed, and Jesse inadvertently hit on that secret so it wasn't possible for him to hide it from me.

I asked the only two of the children I felt might be able to tell me, why they called me mom, and both said it was because they thought the small restrictions I had given them were something they thought only a mother would do. Small restrictions. I asked them to do the dishes and keep their room clean, to help with Angela and Marc. What I asked didn't seem like much of anything and did allow them a great deal of freedom if they chose to cooperate, but would also give them all kinds of grief if they chose to do whatever they wanted.

The phone rang and I answered it after the third ring. I hoped it would be Kathy or Niki, maybe even Nancy, but it turned out to be Michelle's office wanting to know if she could come in right away. I told them I would let her know she was needed, but whether, or not she came in, would be up to her.

When I hung up I checked on dinner and set the timer before going in the living room to let Michelle know about the phone call.

"Michelle your office called and wants you to come in, something about a big case your involved in," I said.

"There's only one case I'm involved in and there isn't anything about it that shouldn't be able to wait until morning," Michelle said.

"I told them I would deliver the message, what you do about it is up to you," I said.

I walked over to Marc picking him up and headed out to the barn with Angela and Marc. I knew Michelle would call the office and eventually say she needed to go in to find out what the problem was. Right now all I wanted was my kids.

In the barn I sat on a straw bail and watched as Lindsey showed Andrea how to care for her horse, explaining why it was important.

I wondered what Michelle was going to do about the call she got wanting her to come in for some reason. Angela went over and was paying attention to Lindsey explaining about caring for the horses and found a brush and started brushing Happy as high as she could reach. Was I going to need to get some miniature horses so she could reach to learn to brush them properly? If I did would she want to keep it in the house like a dog, or cat?

These kids needed me and I needed them. If they weren't here would my thoughts be so dark, death was all I saw now? Even with the kids it seemed death would be a welcome relief.

## Chapter 35

"Dinner should about ready, so let's go in and get cleaned up," I said.

Lindsey and Andrea made sure all the brushes were put away and Lindsey turned Happy out in the pasture with the other horses.

Andrea took Marc from me and headed for the house with Angela following behind, Lindsey held back to talk to me.

"Mom, why did Aunt Erica get so upset about Michelle?" Lindsey asked.

"I don't know sweetheart, it doesn't make sense to me either," I said.

"You don't think Aunt Michelle wants to be Uncle John again do you?" Lindsey asked.

"I need to know if you want to be my daughter Lindsey, I need to know if you Angela and Marc want me to be your mother?" I asked.

"Aunt Erica doesn't want us, and I don't think Aunt Michelle does either. If you don't want to be our mom then we don't have anyone," Lindsey said.

"You know I have some problems, problems because of things that happened when I was younger than you are now?" I asked.

"Andrea told me about some of the things that happened to her and said she thinks the same thing happened to you," Lindsey said.

"I need to talk to Andrea about that, since this is something she should be talking to me and a therapist about," I said.

"You don't think I'm old enough to know about those kinds of things?" Lindsey asked.

"No hunny, it's not I don't think your old enough, but I don't think you should have to deal with those kinds of things, and I know you'll try too," I said.

Lindsey didn't say anything since she knew what Andrea and I had both been through was something she had no idea how to relate to.

Lindsey ran ahead and I slowed my walk to the house trying to figure out what I was going to do. When I got in the kitchen I noticed the timer still had five minutes on it so headed for the bedroom to get washed up myself.

I stepped in front of the sink I always used and glanced at the counter wondering if Michelle would still want me now that she was finally able to show herself for who she was. There on the counter next to her sink sat the ring I bought her, I didn't know if she had taken it off to wash her hands and forgot to put it back on or if she left it there for me to find, either way I did understand she wasn't sure she could exist in a lesbian relationship, and with me that was the best she could hope for if she wanted to be herself.

I took off the ring that had been on my finger since the day Marc gave it to me asking me to be his wife, and set it next to the one she left on the counter. Tomorrow I would need to start looking for somewhere else for my kids and I to live.

I heard the timer go off and hurriedly washed my hands and headed back to the kitchen, arriving just in time to find Andrea and Lindsey getting dinner out of the oven and on the table.

I stood in the doorway and watched wondering if I really were needed. These two young ladies were so capable, but were they capable enough, or strong enough to deal with all the problems that can arise.

No, while they one day would be able, this wasn't that day. They were only now learning what they needed to be able to become women of virtue strong enough to help others if help was needed. They were just now proving themselves women of honor, capable of standing in where they are needed, to protect the innocent.

"I see you've got everything ready," I said walking in the dinning room.

Both girls looked up and blushed.

"We're only trying to help mom," Andrea said.

"And you've helped beautifully. Shall we eat?" I asked.

"Michelle isn't here?" Lindsey asked.

"She got a call from the office and had to go back to work," I said.

Andrea was staring at my left hand, but didn't say anything. I took the same seat I usually did at the table.

"She said she probably wouldn't be home for a few days, before she left," Jesse said.

I nodded wondering if she was coming back since I hadn't seen a note or anything other than the ring by the sink.

When dinner was over Jesse said she would take care of the cleanup, so Andrea, and Lindsey could get started on their lessons earlier. Angela said she wanted to help Aunt Jesse and Jesse told her the best help she could be was to take care of Marc so she could finish quicker, then she had a game Angela and Marc could play until Andrea and Lindsey's lessons were over.

I headed out to the barn and my training room followed by Lindsey and Andrea with both of them now staring at my left hand.

In the training room they both took their stances and started doing the routines they learned thus far. I let them finish the routine once before saying anything.

"I noticed neither of you have said anything, but that you have both noticed," I said.

"We didn't want to say anything if you didn't want to talk about it," Andrea said.

"I don't know if the engagement is off or not, but I don't think Michelle can accept me now that she can be herself," I said.

"I don't understand, when you got home you both seemed so happy," Andrea said.

"I gave her a ring very much like the one she gave me. When I was washing up just before the timer went off I noticed the ring I gave her sitting next to her sink, for now the one she gave me is sitting next to it," I said.

"You don't think she's coming back?" Lindsey asked.

"I don't know. I know if she comes back she will always be welcome, but to give an honest opinion, no, I don't think she's coming back, and since this is her house I think it might be better if we find somewhere else to live," I said.

"What about the horses?" Lindsey asked.

"I was thinking somewhere we can take them with. Maybe not as big as this place, but big enough we can ride without having to take the horses somewhere else to do it," I said.

"Mom I could talk to Aunt Erica and see if she'd be willing to sell her part of the ranch, I know her and Uncle Aaron have been talking about selling since Uncle John came back out here after Aunt Ellen died. Uncle Aaron hates the ranch and Aunt Erica stayed because she wanted to have somewhere to ride her horse," Lindsey said.

"Marc came back out here because of me. I'll bet Michelle would be willing to sell also," I said.

Lindsey called Erica to ask if she still wanted to sell and got told if she did it would be to anyone but me. When I called Michelle's office they said she hadn't shown up yet but did call and say she was on her way and they'd have her call as soon as she got there.

We were going to need somewhere to live unless I could get someone else to buy the property for me so Erica didn't know I was the one buying it. I didn't care if she kept her horses on the property, or even if she rode anywhere on the property as long as she didn't vandalize the property.

I called Allen, using my cell in case Michelle called, and got his wife saying he was in the shower and if he did as he usually did he'd be in there until there wasn't anymore hot water, which would mean an hour at least.

I called Brent when I couldn't get Allen for an hour and he said he'd give it some thought, but didn't know if it would be a good idea for us to associate other than on a professional level until a decision was made about his clients.

We talked a little longer with him telling me he had gone to the prosecutor with what we talked about and they were going to consider if the risk was worth taking the chance since they had them on their own testimony.

When I hung up Allen called and said his wife said whatever it was I wanted sounded important. I explained what it was I was thinking of doing and got a laugh, and a sure he'd be more than happy to help out in any way he could.

I explained about Michelle since he was aware of what took place in the office before I left with her, since I left him to lock up when he finished whatever work he still had.

"Alex I saw her not ten minutes ago walk past the condo with her arms full of clothes, like she was moving in just down the hall," Allen said.

"Do you think you can find out and see if she's willing to sell her share of the ranch? Allen I wouldn't ask this, but you know I've filed to adopt all these kids and if I don't need to move it will be so much easier since I have a dozen horses I'd need to board, as well," I said.

"I'll do what I can. You want to give me a price your willing to go?" Allen asked.

"The total shouldn't be more than ten million," I said.

"Do you have that kind of money?" Allen asked.

"I'm sure I have that much, but to say how much I'd have left if I spend that much I'd have to ask Kathy she keeps track of my money," I said.

In the morning when I got to work Allen was already there a big smile on his face.

"You seem to be happy about something," I said as I unlocked my office door.

"I think you will be too, once I tell you what I did last night," Allen said.

He followed me in my office allowing me to get around my desk and in my chair before he told me he had gone down the hall at his condo and found Michelle moving into the only condo on the floor that had been empty.

Michelle remembered him from the meeting and was surprised to see him there. Once Allen asked Michelle about the ranch he said she was already in the process of buying out her sister and was willing to sell me the ranch for two thirds the price since one third of the ranch was already owned by his nieces and nephew. He already had a signed affidavit by his sister that she didn't want to accept responsibility for the three kids and she was willing to sign over any custodial rights she had so my adopting them was as easy as the judge signing the papers saying they were mine.

"Did she say anything about her sister staying in the house she's in?" I asked.

"She said her sister would be moving into her old condo in exchange of the full value of the property, which was the reason she had enough to buy the condo down from me," Allen said.

"Thank you Allen. Now all I need to know is how much two thirds of the value is so I can get her a cashers check for it," I said.

"That's not hard, it's five million and that includes all the cattle and horses on both sections of the property," Allen said.

"That sounds awful low," I said.

"I agree, but she said that was all she'd take, at least from you," Allen said.

"I have to wonder if she has any idea just how much money I'm worth," I mused not realizing I said it out loud.

"All I know is she said that would leave you enough to hire people to run the dairy operation out there. She did say she hoped you wouldn't change the name on the dairy operation," Allen said.

"Allen, I could pay ten times that and still have enough to run the dairy operation out there," I said.

"I'm just telling you what she said," Allen said.

I called the bank and told them I needed a cashers check for five million made out to Michelle Joanne Adleson for the purchase of property, and I would be in to pick it up that afternoon.

I called the house and asked Lindsey if she could go over to Erica's and see if she was still there and let me know if it looked like she was moving or had moved.

"Mom I don't understand I know she wants to sell, but she said she would never sell to you," Lindsey said.

"I understand that Lindsey, but Michelle will and it's my understanding Michelle has made arrangements to buy Erica's share in the property," I said.

I headed for the bank after making sure everything in the office was running smoothly and the appeals we were filing were ready. I hadn't filed papers with the courts since my first year out of school, since it was generally my clients being served with contract issues and I hadn't really done anything about criminal law since my criminal law classes in school.

Judy wanted to go with to file the appeals since she was sure I would have her doing most of the leg work on them. After all she had been the one to do most of the work thus far, so why would I change now?

The first stop should have been the courthouse but since the FBI offices were close to the courthouse and the bank was across town from the courthouse I decided to stop at the bank and pick up the check first.

The check was ready when we arrived, but the bank manager wanted to talk to me since until now I hadn't come close to a withdrawal of this size.

"Ms DeMay I'm glad you have time to talk with me," the bank manager said.

"Sir I don't have a lot of time I need to get to the courthouse before it closes so if there's a problem if it can wait for another time it would be easier for me," I said.

"There really is no problem Ms DeMay, I was just concerned when I got the message you were asking for a check of this size," the manager said.

"I'm buying a house, or I guess a ranch would be more accurate and this check is the balance of what it's costing me," I said.

"Ms DeMay most people when they buy something of this nature finance it even if they have the money in the bank to cover the cost," the manager said.

"I'm not most people if you hadn't noticed, and I never finance anything I can afford to buy outright. So far in this life I haven't needed to finance anything because if I didn't have the money I didn't really need what I was getting, so would wait until I did have the money, or if it was something I couldn't wait for and there was a less expensive alternative I would opt for what I could afford," I said.

"I'm guessing that's how you were able to amass such a large account with us." the manager said.

"Sir I really don't have time for this. I'm a lawyer and my first five years out of law school made several million dollars as a contract lawyer, it wouldn't surprise me to find out this bank deals with contracts I wrote, or were patterned from contracts I wrote, now if you don't have anything else I really do need to go," I said.

He didn't try stopping me again.

At the courthouse we ran into another problem since I had never dealt in criminal law before.

"I'm sorry but this says your the lead attorney in this. I'm sorry Ms DeMay, but there needs to be an attorney who has actually practiced law listed as the lead attorney," the court clerk said.

"An attorney who has actually practiced law? I have made millions practicing law and you have the gull to stand there and tell me I have no experience as an attorney? I suggest you find me a supervisor who knows their job, because if I can't get these appeals filed before everyone in this office leaves I can assure you that someone in the courthouse is going to feel the full weight of the law coming down on top of them," I said.

"Ms DeMay, I didn't say you don't have experience as an attorney, only that you have no experience as a criminal attorney, and the court does require an attorney filing appeals to have experience in the criminal justice system," the clerk said.

Judy saw me ready to explode on this clerk and stepped in, starting to say something when an old college friend of mine walked up. I put my hand on Judy's shoulder stopping her and smiled.

"Alex I didn't expect to see you here," Norman Blockard said taking my hand and kissing it.

"It's always a pleasure to see you Norm. I'm trying to file a few appeals and this clerk is telling me because I'm listed as the attorney on the petitions she can't allow us to file them," I said.

"I'll see what I can do about that," Norman said taking the files from the clerk who refused to allow me to file them. "I heard your engaged."

"I was, but things have changed," I said.

"So there's hope for me yet?" Norman asked.

"Norman, we went over this a long time ago, and to the best of my knowledge things haven't changed, other than I filed to adopt four kids who need a mother," I said.

The clerk tried to stop Norman from processing the files telling him I didn't fit the basic qualifications to file appeals of criminal law.

"Susan, Alex is probably more qualified than an attorney who has been practicing criminal law for ten years or more. She is the only person I've ever met who went through law school in six years graduated top of her class and passed the bar exam the first time with a perfect score. Now if you can tell me someone else more qualified, I'm listening, otherwise do your job and stop adding rules to the law that don't exist," Norman said.

The clerk turned beat red and stomped off.

"She isn't going to cause you any problems is she?" I asked.

"None I can't handle. I need to ask if you care what judge reviews these appeals?" Norman asked.

"I would hope it wouldn't be the judge that sent these men to prison, and I especially don't want Henry Banks reviewing them, the only time I ever want to see that son-of-a-bitch again is when he is removed as a judge and disbarred," I said.

"I get the feeling there's some bad blood there for some reason, I know we do get lawyers who want his courtroom," Norman said.

"It's a long story and one that could see him in prison," I said.

Norman gave me the names of a couple judges he was filing the appeals with and said I should hear something in a few days, not later than Wednesday evening. I thanked him, and Judy and I headed over to the federal building that housed the offices of the FBI.

"May I help you ladies?" a security guard at the front desk asked.

"I need to see Michelle Adleson," I said.

He didn't pick up the phone, instead just stared at me like he hadn't heard what I said.

When I tried to head for the elevators he told us to stop, or we would be arrested.

I turned back to him and smiled. "If you don't want me going up to the FBI offices, I suggest you call up there and tell them Alexandra DeMay is here and needs to talk to Michelle Adleson," I said.

He still didn't pick up the phone, but did signal two other guards to help restrain me.

I looked at all three of the guards and figured if they tried man handling me or Judy they would all find themselves in the hospital. I stood there while all three of the security guards approached. I could feel Judy starting to panic and whispered for her to relax this was likely as not a test to see if they had a chance of stopping me.

Judy still didn't relax, but I didn't have time to worry about her fear of being arrested for doing nothing.

The first guard reached out to grab Judy and I slapped his hand away drawing his attention to me while the other two guards also gave me all their attention. When the first guard went for my arm he came up with nothing but air and a kick in the ass on his way to the floor. The second guard was coming up behind me and reached in to wrap me in his arms in hopes of immobilizing me to find himself also laying on the floor. The third guard started to pull his gun and I told him if he continued he'd likely as not be dead before he could clear the holster. He froze and the fight was over.

"I've seen impressive Ms DeMay, but never to that degree," a man said coming over and taking my hand in a hand shake.

"If these are the best you have I suggest you find a dozen more to help them," I said.

"They are supposed to be the best, but they didn't know your history, or that you hold two master belts in martial arts. When Michelle tried telling everyone how good you are, none of us wanted to believe her. I guess this little test we set up answered the question of, whether she was telling us the truth. Ms DeMay I would love to talk to you about a case before you go back to your office if you don't mind, Michelle knows you're on your way up and also knows I would like to talk to you, when you and her have finished whatever business you have," the man said.

Judy looked at me and the throwing star in my hand and paled at the thought of what might have happened if the guard hadn't stopped when he did.

"He wouldn't be dead if he hadn't stopped unless a cut in his arm would have killed him. My target was the backside of his wrist so he couldn't hold the gun," I said.

"Ma'am I didn't even know you had something like those on you," Judy said.

"I didn't use to carry them all the time. A few weeks ago Michelle and I had someone break into our home and I've been carrying them ever since. I do have some powerful enemies and they would stop at nothing to try taking me down. I'm sure by now Niki has told you a little of what happened," I said.

When we stepped off the elevator we were met by Michelle and a half dozen other agents.

"Heard you had a little trouble in the lobby," Michelle said with a big smile on her face.

"It must have been someone else you mean, since we didn't have any trouble," I said.

"The best I've ever done against those three together was a draw, and I heard you took all three of them before they had a chance," Michelle said.

"It was something to see the way you took them out," one of the other agents said.

"These guys all thought I was joking when I told them I hadn't ever been able to land a blow when we've spared," Michelle said.

"You've never really tried have you?" I asked.

"That first sparing match we had I did everything I could, and the last one I tried even harder," Michelle said.

"Michelle I wasn't trying in either of those sparing sessions, and your telling me that even with all your training you couldn't land even one blow?" I asked.

"So what can I do for you since it appears I could use some lessons if I ever hope to be close to you in martial art?" Michelle asked.

"Allen said you'd be willing to sell me yours and Erica's shares of the ranch for five million, I wanted to stop by and make sure that was true and if so give you the check for the five million," I said.

"If you don't mind me cashing the check before getting you the deed to the ranch I should be able to get it for you sooner than if I need to come up with what Erica's share is worth on my own," Michelle said.

"If you cash that check you'll have one month to get me a clear deed of property, if you don't have that deed in that time I will take your new condo and your old condo and sell them to cover whatever you can't give me back of the five million," I said.

"Both condo's aren't worth that much, since Erica told me she wants three million for her share," Michelle said.

"If you'll take a personal check for the three million I can give you enough to cover her share of the ranch and the five will be all yours," I said.

"Alex I'm not going to take advantage of you that way," Michelle said.

"You aren't taking advantage of me, since I know that ranch is worth double the eight million and Lindsey, Angela and Marc only own one third of it, if that," I said.

"You'd be wrong, the ranch is worth double the eight million but other than the house we were living in and the one your mother is in Lindsey, Angela and Marc are heirs to two thirds. Ellen didn't want any part of the ranch and neither did Tammy so I sold my share of the ranch to Linda who owned the ranch on the opposite side of where Erica is. The five million was to cover for her part of the original ranch and the two houses I still owned," Michelle said.

I nodded and let the matter drop. I hadn't been aware of Michelle selling her third of the original ranch to Linda and now didn't feel like I was taking advantage any longer. I knew as Marc, Michelle had a little money but the source of the money I hadn't known, just as it seemed Michelle didn't know how much money I had.

"I'll have a clear deed for you within a month, and hope you'll be willing to understand if it does take a little longer," Michelle said.

"If nothing else the check is yours for the houses you still own. If Erica insists on being a pain in the ass about this it's her lose since even without her share it will be the largest ranch in the area, and she'll no longer be able to graze her cows on our property," I said.

Michelle smiled since she knew it meant I would put up a fence that didn't currently exist.

Michelle signed the bill of sale I had with me and we gave each other a hug.

"Can you tell me where the office of the man is that wanted to talk to me when we finished our business?" I asked.

"It's two floors down. If I'm not mistaken he's with the Attorney Generals office and probably wants to know why you want all charges against your father dropped," Michelle said.

"You didn't tell him?" I asked.

"I put it in my report, but he has yet to talk to me much about this whole case," Michelle said.

Judy and I headed down to the Attorney Generals office and the man who met us in the foyer was waiting for us when we walked through the door.

"Ms DeMay I'm glad whatever your business with agent Adleson didn't take long, I wish I could say what I wish to talk about won't take any longer, but it might take the remainder of the day I'm afraid," the man said.

"If that's the case it might be better if I send my associate on back ahead of me and I call a cab when we get done," I said.

## Chapter 36

I gave Judy the keys to my car and told her to head on back to the office. She gave me a look I was sure was frustration, but did say she'd go, and asked if there were anything I wanted her to tell anyone.

I watched her leave and turned my attention back to the matter at hand.

"I've been informed you refuse to testify against a couple of the men being held in custody," the man sitting opposite me said.

"I didn't say I wouldn't testify against them, believe me I would never say such a thing. What I did say is I hope those prosecuting the case would be willing to offer them a deal of time served for their cooperation thus far and their testimonies against the men at the top of this nightmare since they've suffered as much at the hands of those people as anyone else," I said.

"Thank you for that clarification," the man said.

"May I inquire what your intention is with those two men?" I asked.

"I'm inclined to accept your recommendation for them, but rather than just release them with time served ask for a ten year probation for them as well. I'm guessing you wouldn't have any problem with something like that?" the man asked.

"I have no objection to something like that at all," I said.

"I know I haven't introduced myself yet, and while with most people the lack isn't something I worry about, I do feel you have the right to know who I am aside from just being the prosecuting attorney. My name is William Pratt, I don't know if you've heard of me, but I can tell you I have heard of you and your accomplishments," William Pratt said.

As soon as he said his name I gasped. I knew who he was, or rather who his father was, and if he was anything like the Bill Pratt I knew, I knew I would have a great deal of respect for him.

"I'm going to guess there should be a Jr at the end of your name?" I asked.

"Not exactly, Uncle Bill isn't my father, though he was the only man I knew as a father," William said.

I must have had a look of surprise on my face.

"His youngest sister was raped, and died when I was born. Uncle Bill and Aunt Beth took me into their home and raised me," William said.

I nodded, the Bill Pratt I knew would have done anything for his family and always bragged about his son William.

"I always assumed you were Professor Pratt's son because he always talked about how his son followed him into law," I said.

"I guess it would seem that way then, until I went off to college I thought he was my father. The first time I came home during a semester break he told me about one of his students that had a thirst for law in a way he had never seen before. He also told me about what happened to my mother and how while he and Aunt Beth raised me they never adopted me, I guess he hoped I would be able to measure up to that one student he had, but I doubt anyone could," William said.

The memories of Professor Pratt came rushing back. He was the one who suggested I go through the court records on cases looking for any inconstancies. That if I really wanted to learn the law the best way was to read actual cases. I took him up on that suggestion and the first week of going through the case records found two cases that had glaring inconsistencies in them. When I approached him with those inconsistencies he asked me to show him and I felt the first pangs of failure since entering law school. This man was an icon at the school, most of the law students there hated his classes, but I loved them because he wanted us to really learn the law.

I explained my dilemma to him and he just smiled and nodded. The following day he came into the class holding two file folders and laid them on my desk on his way to the front of the class. I knew better than to open the folders while he was giving his lecture, but the curiosity of what they contained drew so much of my attention I was afraid I wouldn't remember what he was trying to teach.

His lecture seemed to go on and on until he said something that took my breath away about someone having told him about a couple cases that had glaring inconsistencies that could prove the person charged with the crime innocent, and pointed to who the real person guilty of the crime was.

I couldn't believe he was talking about the cases I brought to him until I opened one of the folders and saw it contained one of the cases he was talking about and it was one of the two cases I tried talking to him about.

After class he told me he knew I wouldn't be able to get copies of the cases, but didn't expect me to find such glaring problems with court cases either. He gave me an assignment to work up an appeal on both cases, and then work out a defense that would not only show the client innocent, but also call the true criminal to justice.

It took me two weeks in what little free time I had to complete the assignment and when he read through my work smiled and said he had never seen such work, and was sure both of the people found guilty of crimes they never committed would be eternally grateful for the chance I had given them to prove their innocence.

I gave him a questioning look and he said he was going to file an appeal in both cases, and wanted me to act as his co-counsel since I had already done all the work of showing their innocence and also done enough to show who the true guilty party was.

"I'm sorry sir, but I don't have time between my job and school to handle something like this too," I said.

"Alexandra I could do this without you, but I want to give you a chance to show just what kind of lawyer you can be. If you don't have the commitment to follow through on a case you've started however..." Professor Pratt said.

"Sir it isn't I don't want to follow through, but I'm only a first year student and need my job if I ever hope to be able to finish. I'm sorry sir it's a matter if finances for me," I said.

He nodded that he understood and didn't say anything more about it. One day I was watching the news something I rarely got a chance to do with school and work and saw them talking about a murder case that was being called into question with Professor Pratt as the defense attorney.

"Professor can I ask why you are taking this case when you haven't taken a case in fifteen years?" the news reporter asked.

"Because the defendant in this case I believe is not guilty and thanks to the work of one of my students I'm sure I can show not only that my client is not guilty, but can bring to light the person who is," Professor Pratt said.

"One of your students, Professor?" the reporter asked.

"Yes one of my students. Miss Alexandra DeMay, she was hoping to gain a little extra credit and I suggested she check the court cases as a source of learning what real law is all about, and she found this case and another which I will also be looking into once this case is finished," Professor Pratt said.

I couldn't watch any longer so headed to my room closing the door.

"Ms DeMay?" William said.

"I'm sorry I had your uncle my first year of law school, and I got lost in a memory," I said.

"He said you saved a couple mens lives when you were in his class," William said.

"He suggested I check through case records at the local court and I found a couple cases that had inconsistencies in them, nothing more," I said.

"That isn't what he said. Ms DeMay he said he used a defense for those men you came up with, and not only did he get them off, but brought the actual murderers to justice," William said.

"Is there a point you are trying to make here sir?" I asked.

"I've always looked up to my uncle as the best lawyer in the world and he said compared to you he's a mere amateur," William said.

"I wish my grades in his class would have reflected that. His class was the only one I didn't pull a straight 'A' in," I said.

"He was more impressed with you than any student he has ever had before or since, he still talks about you almost with aw. Tell me Ms DeMay, why these two men? Some of the others have been every bit as cooperative as they have," William asked.

"Because one of them is my father and the other is an uncle. I guess if I have to give a reason that would be the only reason that might make sense," I said.

"Your family seems to have been involved in this at all levels," William said.

"No sir, at least not my living family," I said.

"Wasn't it your father who dragged you into it?" William asked.

"Yes sir, it was, but there are extenuating circumstances that few knew about, and when I was older and better able to protect myself he stopped trying to force something he knew he was no longer able to force and did withhold doing to any my sisters what was done to me, even before I was able to protect them or myself. I guess he figured one of his children acceptable given what the alternative was," I said.

"And just what was the alternative?" William asked.

"The alternative was giving himself up to the debauchery of those calling the shots, thus losing his entire family to their sadistic desires," I said.

"And the other one?" William asked.

"Chose the opposite and allowed them to use him trying to spar his family and in turn lost his family in the process," I said.

William looked past me like I wasn't even there. The thoughts going through his mind a mystery I doubt even he knew. After several minutes he again brought his focus back to me.

"I'll do what I can for them, but at this time I really can't make any promises beyond taking it up with my superiors," William said.

"Can I ask something of you then?" I asked.

"Go ahead," William said.

"When you speak to your superiors will you tell them the evidence is there to show neither my father nor my uncle had many option in what they did, and both tried to do what they thought was right with the choices they had. If your superiors give you the decision I hope you will take into account what I've said here and if you value what your uncle taught you about me realize in all things I only want justice," I said.

"And you believe justice would best be served in allow these two men to be released back into society?" William asked.

"I believe both should have restriction placed on them if they are released back into society and the suggestion you made of a ten year probation does put those restriction in place," I said.

"You have something in mind?" William asked.

"I do, but I would like to hold that until I know what will happen in regard to my father and uncle," I said.

"If I knew what your thoughts are it might make the decision easier," William said.

"I just bought Michelle's ranch and dairy farm, since it's one of the largest dairy farms around I will need people to help and I think it might give both my father and uncle a way of proving their worth to society," I said.

"So you would be willing to see both have a job? What would prevent them from becoming involved in something like what they were involved in again?" William asked.

"As I said they should be held accountable via probation or some such and another condition of that probation could and should be they get into counseling to learn to make better choices for themselves and others," I said.

"And the others involved in this?" William asked.

"Those who cooperate should receive less harsh sentences than those who mastermind the abuse, and should not be put into a situation where they may end up in danger due to their cooperation," I said.

"What are you suggesting?" William asked.

"I'm suggesting that those who cooperate be given state time while those who refuse to cooperate and or mastermind receive federal time in the federal prisons that give the hardest time available and none of them be eligible for parole for a minimum of twenty years," I said.

William again looked off into the unknown as he considered my proposal.

"Ms DeMay I truly can see why my uncle thinks so highly of you. I will take your suggestions to my superiors and let you know what they decide in a few days. I should know something by the end of next week," William said.

William made a call and said there was no need for a cab his driver would take me back to my office. He walked me down to the street and helped me into his car and ran around to the driver side and slid in.

"I see you have the same kind of driver I do," I said smiling.

"How else am I going to find out where your offices are?" William asked.

"When the new phone books come out you could always look me up in the phone book," I said.

"Actually Alex, you don't mind if I call you Alex do you?" William asked.

"Not at all Bill, or is it William?" I asked.

"Either works for me. What I was going to say is that what I was actually hoping was perhaps we could have dinner sometime," William said.

"Is that your way of asking me out, William?" I asked.

"Is it working?" William asked.

"I don't know since you haven't actually asked me out. I can't give an answer to a question that hasn't been asked," I said.

"Would you have dinner with me Saturday night?" William asked.

"May I ask where?" I asked.

"That I'm afraid will have to be a surprise, though I can promise it won't require formal attire," William said.

"What time can I expect you to pick me up for this dinner?" I asked.

"Would six o'clock be to early?" William asked.

"I'll see you then William, and if I can't find anyone to sit with the kids, we can always have dinner at my place," I said writing down my address for him along with my cell phone number.

He pulled in the parking lot for my offices and started laughing.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"I didn't stop to think you might be sharing offices with the Pride Center," William said.

"I own the building and helped found the Pride Center here," I said.

"I had no idea. My cousin came to the Pride Center about four years ago. The help she received is why she's still alive today and in a committed relationship with the woman of her dreams," William said.

"What about her parents?" I asked.

"They disowned her. Uncle Bill took her in when she finally told us she had been kicked out and why. I think it was Uncle Bill who suggested she come to the Pride Center," William said.

He wanted a kiss and instead I gave him a hug.

"You have to earn kisses, but hugs are free," I said.

We both laughed and he slid back in his car and was gone.

I headed in the building to find Judy telling me we got a call from the courthouse to say one of the cases we filed on was going into appeal and the likely hood of the others were good.

"Judy I want you and Niki concentrating on each of those cases as they come in. If it gets to be too much for you we'll get a few more people, but I want the one going to appeal now, ready by the time we need to be in the courtroom to present our case. Those men don't belong in prison and I want them out of there as quickly as possible," I said.

Judy yes ma'am-ed me and took off back down to the office she shared with Niki.

I walked down to Allen's office to see what he had going on to find him in a meeting with a couple other para-legals I had seen in the office.

"Do you need something Alex?" Allen asked seeing me looking through his door.

"I was going to ask what you know of William Pratt," I said.

"That old son-of-a-bitch whose class I had to take twice. Only that he's one of the best criminal lawyers in the world," Allen said.

"No I don't mean Professor Bill Pratt, I mean his nephew William Pratt," I said.

"Don't know him, but I have no doubt I can by the end of the day. Can you tell me what kind of work he does?" Allen asked.

"He's slated to be the prosecuting attorney for that case I'm a witness for. He works for the Attorney General," I said.

"I'll see what I can find out. If he's Professor Pratt's nephew maybe you should talk to him about his nephew. I know you and the Professor got along," Allen said.

"I intend to make that call, but I wanted to see what I could find out from other sources first," I said.

I went back to my office opening the door and walking around the desk. I sat in my chair and the memories of sitting in Professor Pratt's class listening to his lectures started rolling through my mind. Every lecture in his class was like he was talking directly to me, making sure I knew exactly what to expect whenever I walked in the courtroom.

"Always have your case won before you ever set foot in the courtroom," he would say.

Always have your case won. That wasn't always an easy thing, but a good lawyer did a lot of work to insure their clients rights were protected. I had never worked on a criminal case, at least not so I got any credit for having done so, but I knew enough about criminal law to put together an air tight case if it was possible.

"Alex, I want you to work out a way of showing these men are innocent and at the same time a way of bringing out the guilty person, if you can do that you just might be the first person to ever get an 'A' in my class," Professor Pratt said.

"Professor how long do I have to work up this case?" I asked.

"The first one goes to court next week and the second the week after," Professor Pratt said.

There was a knock on the door, that snapped me out of the memory.

"Come in Kathy," I said.

"I hope you were able to get everything accomplished," Kathy said coming in and sitting in the chair opposite me.

"How would you feel about dad getting out of jail?" I asked.

"A better question would be how would you feel about it," Kathy said.

"I asked the prosecuting attorney to let both dad and Uncle Robert out with time served and ten years probation," I said.

"I heard they now have the top man in the investigation Michelle is working on," Kathy said.

"Yea, but not enough evidence yet to convict him since right now there are only two people who can place him in any of it and both of us would be called into question since one has been deemed as mentally unstable and the other was only a child when he became known to her, and there has been enough instability in her actions lately her testimony could easily be called into question," I said.

"What about the contracts?" Kathy asked.

"Circumstantial. There is just no way of tying them in to show they played a part," I said.

"So what are they going to do?" Kathy asked.

"I don't know. Kathy the only way of nailing that bastard is to have evidence beyond witnesses that ties him into the actual abuse and as far as I know they just don't have anything," I said.

Kathy shook her head and walked back out of my office. I had a headache because I just didn't see any way of tying that son-of-a-bitch into the abuse with any evidence found thus far.

I looked at the copies of the contracts laying on my desk and started going over them again hoping to find anything that might tie that bastard in and Allen walked in my office closing the door.

"I'm guessing you need to talk to me for some reason?" I asked.

"It's about your obsession with this case," Allen said.

"I'm missing something, but for the life of me I can't figure out what," I said.

"Tell me about your first job as a lawyer," Allen said.

"It was a simply contract dispute. I really don't remember much about it, other than the contract was poorly written so trying to figure out who was in the wrong was difficult. In the end a compromise was reached where I drew up a new contract placing both parties on equal footing and making the old contract null," I said.

"Do you remember who was involved?" Allen asked.

"Allen your talking over ten years ago. Most days I can't even remember what I had for breakfast," I said.

"How long after that before you drew up this contract?" Allen asked.

"It was my next case," I said.

"But you still remember this contract and who it was for?" Allen asked.

"Yes I remember, but almost every contract after this one I used this one as a guideline in writing," I said.

"Until?" Allen asked.

"Until I had to defend it the first time. After that I made some changes that included specifics of what the contract was for. Allen I fail to see what your trying to get at here," I said.

"When did the firm you worked for start making changes to this contract?" Allen asked.

"I don't know, but that first time I defended the contract I noticed several clauses in it I knew nothing about, and my boss wanted me to hide from the opposition. I know he was furious when I refused because what he was asking was both unethical and illegal," I said.

"So your saying there were clauses added you knew nothing about? Do you remember any of those clauses?" Allen asked.

That was what was missing here. My contract wasn't the issue it was the clauses that I didn't know about and my boss found out I wouldn't hide. I was taken off that first defense of the contract before it ever went anywhere because I refused to hide those clauses I wasn't allowed to read and found out about by chance.

"Thank you Allen you may have just found the last piece of evidence we need to insure everyone of those bastards get locked away forever," I said coming around and giving him a hug.

I picked up the phone and set it back down. Allen gave me a funny look, but didn't say anything until after I hit the intercom and asked Niki if she could find me the phone number for the special prosecutor in the case dad was a defendant and both Jesse and I were witnesses.

"Ok Alex I have no idea what your up to, but I do remember that look," Allen said.

"I'm up to wrapping this whole damn ugly mess up so those bastards are the ones testifying against themselves, and neither Jesse nor I have to relive those damned memories again on the witness stand. Allen you reminded me of just where the evidence, cold, hard, physical evidence exists," I said.

"I'm totally baffled now," Allen said.

Niki walked in with the phone number I asked for and I again picked up the phone this time dialing.

When it started ringing I put the phone on speaker and waited for someone to answer.

"Department of Justice, how may I direct your call?"

"Special prosecutor William Pratt, please. Tell him it's Alexandra DeMay," I said. It went to the standard elevator music while the person who answered transferred the call.

"Alex I didn't expect to hear from you until tomorrow night," William answered.

"Tell me how badly you want to nail those bastards William?" I asked.

"I'm still waiting to hear back on your request about your father and uncle," William said.

"William I want you to tell me what you are personally willing to do there, but this call wasn't about that. I want to know if you could have arrest warrants ready within an hour for everyone you have names for but no evidence yet?" I asked.

"I already have the warrants, I just need to get them signed and without evidence they would be pointless," William said.

"Can you get a search and seizure warrant in the next ten minutes, and meet me at the offices of Evans and Brown, you might want to have a couple John Doe arrest warrants as well," I said.

"I think I can manage that, but I still don't know what they might have to do with this," William said.

"William you need to have a squad at Dennis Evans home at the same time again with arrest warrants and search and seizure warrants. If we don't hit both at the same time I know the evidence will likely be destroyed," I said.

"I'll have a coordinated strike team at both locations in ten minutes. I hope you know what your doing making this request, because if we end up with nothing this could cost me my job," William said.

I hung up and turned to the two people sitting in my office.

"Niki I want you to let everyone know I expect to see them all here Monday morning on time, but to have a wonderful weekend and make sure everyone is gone and the office is locked up, in the next twenty minutes. You can take Kathy, Nancy and Judy out to my place for now, but I don't want any of you going back to your homes until I either call or get home," I said.

"What's this all about Alex?" Niki asked.

"It's about your safety Niki. It's about the safety of those I love most in this world," I said.

"We aren't little kids anymore Alex," Niki said.

"I know that Niki, but I have four little kids out there who will need the protection of people I know I can trust and who have told me I don't need to do this alone any longer," I said.

"Your scared. Alex if your scared..." Niki started, fear heavy in her words as she stood up and started toward the door to my office.

"I'm not scared for myself Niki, but I am terrified for my kids and my sisters," I said.

The fear was still there when she turned around before opening the door, but there was something more there as well. My little sister showed a strength I didn't know possible. Niki mouthed the words I love you before stepping through the door and pulling it closed.

"I'll see that no one can get out there who shouldn't be until you give the word it's safe again," Allen said.

"For my family it may never be safe again Allen," I said.

"Alex..." Allen started.

"Allen I know about what you and Brent did in college and are probably still doing. Don't blame Tiffany, though she is the one who told me, I didn't give her a lot of choice. I'm asking you as a friend to not try bringing any of my sisters into that and if you want to help protect them you do so because it's the right thing to do and we're friends," I said.

"We didn't know you knew about that, Alex we knew you wouldn't have ever agreed to what we were doing and we never tried to force anyone into any part of it. We simply offered protection at a discounted price for those willing to wear a small tattoo," Allen said.

"Will you help protect my family Allen?" I asked.

"You know there isn't much Brent and I wouldn't do for you. I'm just surprised you would want anything to do with either of us if you know about that," Allen said.

Allen offered to make sure my family was safe while I headed for my former employers offices.

## Chapter 37

"Alex I sure hope you know what your doing here, because if we come up empty handed this could destroy all of us," William said when I met up with him.

"Do you trust me William? Do you really trust me?" I asked.

"My uncle said you are likely the most trust worthy person he ever met. I know that doesn't answer your question, but I do trust my uncle and if he says your trust worthy that's more than good enough for me," William said.

"Then let both units know it's time to move and do everything possible to insure no documents are destroyed," I said.

William gave the signal that was arranged and headed for the offices of my former employer with a half dozen FBI agents following behind him. I in turn headed for a back door, few if any knew about and I learned about purely by accident.

I opened the door and knew exactly where it lead. I opened the inner door and saw Dennis pulling files hoping to get them shredded before they could be seized.

"You know Dennis there comes a time when the pupil becomes the master, but in our case I was never the pupil and you were never the master. I'm willing to allow you your choice of options here, and I really do hope you choose the one that doesn't involve blood," I said.

"Even if you had these files you wouldn't have anything," Dennis said.

"Then why destroy them? For the record the same time the FBI came in here they also entered your home, and sealed it so no one can get in or out," I said.

I saw a panicked look and hoped he was smart enough to just set the files he was holding down and step back away from them.

"You have no idea what your up against here. If you think seizing these files and the ones I have at home will stop these people you haven't got a clue who they are," Dennis said as William came in the office Dennis and I were in.

William walked over to Dennis taking the files he held and setting them on the desk, turning to one of the FBI agents who followed him in and nodded. The FBI agent pulled a set of handcuffs and placed Dennis under arrest walking him out front.

"I'm curious how it is you knew about this?" William asked.

"I worked for this company when I got out of college. They had me defend a contract that in the end became a different contract both parties could agree to and were willing to drop all future litigation on. After that Dennis asked me to write a contract for a client whose name meant nothing to me at the time. He said it was a simple generic contract and when I finished he said I would need to defend it if anyone ever tried to challenge it. About six months later someone did challenge it and while trying to come up with a defense noticed someone attached several clauses I didn't know about and when I told Dennis he said to forget about the clauses and hide them from the opposition, because they would have made defending the contract impossible. When I refused and insisted on seeing the clauses he pulled me off the case and took it himself. At the time I figured he didn't think I had enough experience, but that did send up a red flag and was bothering me when the name Evan Fletcher came up," I said.

"So you just now remembered all this?" William asked.

"I called you when I remembered. William I knew that contract I wrote was the key to breaking this wide open, but I couldn't figure out why until Allen my partner started asking me questions because he was worried about me and my obsession with this case," I said.

"It's going to take us a couple weeks to get through all these files, but from what I've seen so far there's more than enough to bring everyone involved into custody and hold them without bail," William said.

"You do realize this is going to basically destroy an entire religion?" I asked.

"The records of that religion will be the next thing we'll be going after and I have no doubt the IRS will be doing their own investigation once we've gone through more of these files," William said.

"We still on for dinner tomorrow night?" I asked.

William smiled and said he didn't see any reason it should interfere with our dinner plans.

I headed home once I knew Dennis was in custody and started laughing when I got to the driveway and saw both Allen and Brent standing guard at the entrance.

"Alex is everything alright?" Brent asked.

"It will be, but the danger to my family just multiplied since those in the top echelons of that nest of vipers will know it was me that gave the information that can bring them down," I said.

"This is a lot bigger than we know isn't it?" Allen asked.

"I don't know how big this is, but I'm fairly certain it's big enough to bring down the predominant religion in this area," I said.

Brent and Allen both gave a whistle and asked if I needed anyone to stay or could handle things at least for the night.

"I think tonight I can handle things without help, but once this hits the news in the morning it might not be a bad idea to have a few more people helping out to insure the safety of my family," I said.

I drove up to the house and was met at the door by my kids followed by my sisters asking if everything was alright.

"For tonight I think we can manage, but I'm going to ask you all plan on staying out here for now, and until this is over. I've made arrangements for protection so we can carry on a somewhat normal life, but I need you all to stay on watch since those in charge of the bad guys know the only way of hurting me is to hurt each of you," I said.

I headed for my bedroom to get cleaned up. I hated the idea of not feeling safe, but didn't want any of my family to worry if it could be avoided and since I knew word I gave the information leading to the down fall of the law firm I worked for wouldn't take long to hit the streets, I also knew those not yet in custody would do everything they could to get me out of their way once and for all.

"Mom?" Lindsey and Andrea were both standing in my door.

"Let me get cleaned up and I'll be out. I'd like to get going on your lessons before dinner," I said.

"Aunt Kathy already fixed us dinner," Lindsey said.

I saw Kathy standing behind the girls and smiled that she would have taken it on herself to help.

Both girls came in giving me a hug and headed back out to the other room.

"They're wonderful kids," Kathy said.

"That they are. Thank you for getting dinner ready for them," I said.

"It wasn't that big a deal. Alex tell me why you think they'll come after us to get to you," Kathy said.

"When I got out of college they knew using a direct approach would never get them anywhere and they still thought they could force me into doing things their way. After I wrote that contract for them someone challenged it and they wanted me to defend the contract. They didn't count on me standing on principal and wanting to be honest above all since the first contract I worked on was so poorly written trying to make sense of it was impossible so I wrote a new contract both sides agreed to, replacing the old contract."

"In preparing to defend the contract I had written I couldn't find anything in the contract the other side was claiming, and asked the other attorney for some information. When I got the information I found out there were some clauses added I didn't know about so I went to my boss to try getting a full copy of the contract and was told I wouldn't be defending in the case."

"It raised some questions but since I was still new and had seen others in the office who had the same thing done to them I chalked it up to my inexperience in the courtroom and went on to something else," I said.

"They never let you try defending the contract again did they?" Kathy asked.

"Before that contract was challenged again they had seen me negotiate a few other contracts and handle disputes. They saw the pattern of always going for a just settlement and knew they couldn't ever let me work on the contract I wrote for them again, without it coming to light what they were doing. Since I had never said anything about that one time they thought as long as I didn't have anything to do with that client or contract I'd forget about it since I had forgotten so many names of the men who abused me," I said.

"But you do know their names now?" Kathy asked.

"I know their names and what role they played. I was their one failure, as they saw it, since they never broke me," I said.

"That's something I don't understand. From what Jesse said they treated you worse than they did her," Kathy said.

"How do you break something that's already broken? Sure you can break it into smaller pieces, but can you really break it anymore? Before the real abuse started I already knew I was broken, because I was supposed to be a boy and always wanted nothing more than to be a girl. Everything religion told us meant I was broken so the worst they could do to me was break me into smaller pieces and I knew that. You weren't broken though, neither was Jesse nor Niki, so if I could at least hold onto all the pieces I could at least keep them from breaking you. I almost gave up. David had done the only thing that could have destroyed me by taking Jesse to that meeting and then getting dad to agree to move her into his room. I almost gave up because I knew nothing I did could protect her any longer," I said.

"You were never broken Alex! I don't ever want to hear you try telling me or anyone else you were ever broken," Kathy said.

"I couldn't save you or Niki from what they did. All that ever mattered to me after the abuse started was being able to save you and Niki from the kind of things Jesse and I suffered and when you wouldn't tell me and instead let them abuse you, you told me I was broken because I tried to do something that could keep them from hurting anyone else," I said.

"We thought we were protecting you. We never meant to hurt you because of what we knew you had been through. It was because we were afraid," Kathy said.

Kathy offered to wash my back and I gave her a dirty look. I didn't see any point in telling her I wasn't wearing the prosthetic any longer and wouldn't wear it again if I could help it since I intended to have the surgery as soon after this nightmare was over as I could.

When she headed back to the living room I stepped in the shower letting the hot water wash away the tension of the day. I toweled off quickly and found a dress that was light and comfortable slipping it on and picking out a dozen stars I could easily hide either on my necklace or chained together as a bracelet.

When I got to the living room everyone stood up and followed me out to the practice room I had in the barn.

"Am I supposed to be teaching all of you now?" I asked.

They all lined up and I started them on the moves Lindsey and Andrea already knew adding a couple new moves hoping Lindsey and Andrea would pick them up quickly and help anyone else who didn't know any of the moves yet.

I sat at my bench and pulled out the stars I had made, and started checking them over for sharpness and found all of them in excellent condition.

"How long do we need to do this?" someone asked drawing my attention back to those doing the beginner moves I showed them.

"That's up to you and how much you want to learn," I said.

None of them stopped practicing the moves though they were all out of sync so they none of them looked to be doing the moves right.

"If you really want to learn this you need to stay together so I can help if you aren't getting something right. Right now it doesn't look like any of you are doing any of the moves right," I said standing up and tossing three of my stars at the target at the same time.

When the stars hit the target they all jumped and I smiled.

"Do you want to learn this, or not?" I asked.

They all stopped what they were doing and I smiled as they turned their attention to me.

"You make this look so easy," Jennifer said.

"Because for me it is easy, but I've been doing it since I left for college. When I started it wasn't any easier than it is for you, but I had a desire to learn because I knew it would help me be able to protect those most important to me," I said.

"How long did it take before it became easy?" Niki asked.

"It took almost a year before I gained my first belt, after that the advancements came faster. My sensei told me the first thing I needed to learn was balance and the moves you are learning now are for just that. They teach balance of body, but to ever achieve the level I have takes more than just physical balance it takes mental balance as well," I said.

"I'm guessing it's harder to achieve mental balance than physical balance?" Kathy asked.

"For me it was very difficult because to find mental balance takes finding good memories that can balance the bad. For me I had to find memories that could balance ten years of abuse that tore at every part of me and left scars that made finding good memories very hard," I said.

I saw both Kathy and Niki look down as they finally understood the depth of hurt I suffered because of their breaking a promise.

"In the past those memories centered around the love shared by those not touched by those who had abused me, around the fact I had been able to prevent the worst of the abuse from touching them. Now those memories felt like lies I couldn't over come until I met the four children who all call me mom," I said.

Kathy had tears running down her cheeks and I saw Jennifer put her arm around her.

I never meant for my words to cut as deep as I knew they did, but I needed to find a new balance and the children were all I had. I tried using the memories I had in the past, but they all came back to me failing when I hadn't known I failed.

I started them on the exercises again and this time stayed with them making the moves waiting for each of them before moving on to the next move. I explained finding those special memories, learning how to feel the joy of the memory letting it wash over you while you stayed in the here and now. At first they all got lost in the memories so deep the moves became even harder, and I would need to bring them back to the present.

We worked on the basic moves for an hour before taking a break and letting the training go until another time. I didn't know if they would stay with the training, and made sure they each knew that if the training was something they couldn't handle I did understand, because not everyone could handle the mental and physical demands it required.

I gathered the stars I had thrown from the target and started doing my workout while everyone else rested. I felt them all watching me and stopped just long enough to gather a few of my stars so I could practice with them from different positions and angles. The first few stars stacked just like they had done every time I had thrown them in demonstration, but the ones following formed different patterns each hitting just where it was aimed.

I worked my way back to the target to gather the stars and as I pulled the last one I turned throwing the star I just pulled.

"You might as well come out of there," I said.

Chelsea stuck her head around the door before walking in.

"I..." Chelsea stuttered.

"What do you want Chelsea?" I asked.

"I don't know? Alex I'm scared," Chelsea said.

"And you think I can protect you now?" I asked.

"I don't know where else to go," Chelsea said.

Andrea started to say something and I gave her a dirty look stopping her.

"What do you want Chelsea? I offered to help you and all you wanted was what you couldn't have from me at the time. I offered to help again and you told me you wanted to give me over to those monsters who care nothing about human dignity favoring only the lusts of their own perverted natures. Now you show up here telling me your scared, but not telling me what it is that frightens you or why. So answer my question, what is it you want?" I asked.

She started to turn as though to run away again.

"I'm still willing to help, but my help is no longer unconditional. I allowed you to use my generosity once, but I won't be used again and again. I didn't have someone willing to help when I needed it when I was only a child, but I did manage to find a way. I'm still offering you a chance I didn't have, but only if your willing to accept you'll need to give something back," I said.

"You don't understand what they've done. You don't know what they'll do if they even find out I came here," Chelsea started crying.

"Did they rape you from the time you were eight years old until you learned to fight back? Did they rape one of your sisters until she turned inward trying to protect herself to survive? Did they dress your father like they want you to dress and rape him after he realized you wouldn't stand for anymore abuse and knew you were able to stand up to it? Did they take your work and pervert it from something intended for good, using it to enslave people? Tell me Chelsea what is it I don't understand, what is it I don't know about those people your so afraid of?" I asked.

Chelsea stood there not moving tears running down her cheeks as she finally understood no one knew the depravity of those monsters better than I did because no one survived their depravity in one piece until I did. Yet I knew I didn't survive in one piece, I was broken before they even started exercising their depravity on me, I was broken so they couldn't break me like they had done so many before and after me.

I doubted I would ever be whole because I had been shattered by those monsters, but they couldn't break me.

I walked over to Chelsea and put my arm around her shoulders pulling her against my breast while she stood there crying. I knew the words I used hurt her, but hopefully they also helped her. She needed help, and every time I tried to help she refused my help, maybe this time she would finally accept it and allow me to protect her like I did so many others.

I heard the car pull up the drive and stop before it was visible from either the house or the barn. I motioned for Kathy to come take Chelsea so I could find out what the people in the car wanted.

As Kathy took Chelsea in her arms I pulled my star from the barn door and headed out into the evening listening for anything that didn't belong.

I found the car that was about half way up the drive to the house and heard the noise of several people walking across the field toward the house, and knew I needed to make it to the house first or I might be fighting a battle I might not be able to win. I wasn't dressed to fight my kind of fight and trying to become invisible was impractical at the moment. I made it to the house and in my bedroom changing quickly to clothes that could conceal me better in the darkness and shadows. I grabbed all the stars I had in the bedroom along with my sword and headed back out to the barn.

"I need everyone to stay calm and not make anymore noise than necessary. When I get back hopefully we won't be having anymore uninvited guests," I said.

I turned off the lights on my way out of the barn leaving a small light so those inside would be able to see each other. I locked the door so getting in the barn would be difficult and make more noise than these uninvited guest so far seemed to want to make, and headed back to the house opening the back door in an attempt to draw them out.

I listened as the intruders started getting closer to the house and had four stars ready to fly when I could be sure of my targets.

I heard one of the intruders take a step and before they could take another had my sword against their neck telling them if they cried out they would be dead before the sound was able to escape their lips.

The only thing visible about the intruder was their eyes and the fear in them was enough I knew they understood what I said, and would do almost anything to keep me from moving the sword in any direction other than away from their throat.

"How many of you are there?" I asked.

"Six," came the reply.

"I take it you have a couple more friends than you did the last time you were here," I said.

"They said they knew karate and could beat anyone," came the reply.

"Let me guess they think they can hide in the shadows?" I asked.

"They can hide from us in the shadows," Jimmy said.

"I'm sure they can. Perhaps I should let Andrea have you for what you did to her here in my home," I said.

The fear in Jimmy's eyes grew at the thought I knew what he had done, and the thought I had been teaching Andrea.

I cut the clothes off him cutting them into strips I could use to tie him up and gag him with.

"The more you struggle against those bonds the tighter they will get. Just sit here quietly and I'll be back shortly," I said.

I heard someone a few yards away and before Jimmy knew I had left had my sword against their throat.

"You would think with how much noise you guys are making you'd just come up to the door like normal people instead of pretending to sneak around," I said.

This guy was in black like Jimmy had been so only his eyes were visible. Unlike Jimmy he didn't have fear in his eyes as much as anger.

"Your afraid to face me without that blade?" the man said.

"Once I get the rest of your friends gathered up I'm more than willing to face you without the blade, but for now that would be foolish for me to do," I said cutting his clothes off him into strips to use as bonds.

"I'm sure you understand what struggling against those bonds will do and since I don't need your friends finding you right away I'm sure you'll understand." I hit him in the back of the neck knocking him unconscious.

It didn't take long to get three more of them, but the last one was proving to be elusive. Every time I heard him and knew which way he was going he wasn't where he should have been when I got there.

I headed back to the house turning on the big lights that would light up the entire yard and heard something whistle past my arm. Before it hit the wall of the house I released a star of my own.

I heard the star that whistled past me hit the house and shortly after heard mine hit something soft like flesh.

I walked slowly over to where my star was and saw the last of those who had been sneaking around laying there my star embedded in their right shoulder and their right arm hanging uselessly.

The blood coming from the wound was heavy but not life threatening.

I headed in the house finding a maxi pad and went back out pulling my star out of the mans shoulder and putting the maxi pad over his wound cutting his shirt into strips to hold the bandage in place. I then tied his hands together behind him tying his ankles and knees along with pulling his ankles up so he was laying on his side in the fetal position.

I went and gathered up all of those I had tied up bringing them into a central location while the outside lights continued to get brighter, saving the one who challenged me for last.

After they were all gathered I let everyone in the barn know it was alright to come out. When they saw the six men sitting around tied they skirted wide on their way into the house.

"Mom, what's going to happen to those guys now?" Andrea asked.

"Hunny I need you to go in and call Michelle and let her know so she can send out people to arrest them," I said.

The second guy I tied up was staring daggers at me daring me to let him loose.

"I can't believe you want to be hurt or crippled so badly," I said looking at him.

"You were lucky that's all," he said.

I took all the stars I had and set them on a bench along with my sword, then stepped over to him untying his legs and arms, while I waited for Andrea to let me know she made the phone call.

"I'm sure all my sisters would love seeing just how good you really are, but I still think your a fool wanting to challenge me. I've been banned from all competitions because of my knowledge in martial arts and unless you hold a couple master level belts you really don't have much chance," I said.

Andrea came out followed by everyone else and I tossed one of my stars cutting the bonds holding his hands.

I stood there waiting for him to do something and didn't have to wait long. He charged in making wild swings, chops and kicks, and I just stood there.

"You aren't even going to take your stance?" he asked.

"I was never able to figure out the reason for standing any certain way. If you want to beat me then try, but know I'm ready at all times," I said.

He started circling me and I just stood there not moving. The second time around me he came in hoping to catch me from behind and landed on his back with my foot on his throat for his trouble.

"Do you yield, or do you have to be hurt before you understand?" I asked.

I moved my foot off his throat and stepped back. As soon as I started moving back he swung his leg trying to take me off my feet and I blocked his swing breaking his knee in the process. He let out a scream that sent shivers up my back and the fight was over.

Michelle and a half dozen FBI and sheriffs deputies showed up acting like they needed to defend a bunch of helpless people. Michelle saw the bandage on the one tied up so he couldn't move and the knee of the one not tied up and whistled.

"I'm guessing you did this," Michelle asked me.

"They're on my property and that one threw something at me missing, I only knew a general direction when I threw my star, and was moving to try for a better view when I heard it hit him and he went down," I said.

"And the one with a broken leg?" Michelle asked.

"Was sure he could beat me in a fight. I let him try, when I let him up after what should have been the end of the fight he tried to kick my legs out from under me and in blocking his attempt broke his knee," I said.

"You are one dangerous woman Alex," Michelle said,

"Am I really all that dangerous? Tell me, is that the reason you took off the ring I gave you?" I asked.

"There are things I don't know how to tell you, and because of that there would always be secrets between us. You know I loved Ellen with my whole heart, and I love you ever bit as much, but I can't ask you to understand something that will never make sense to you and will always make you hurt. Alex, as soon as this case is wrapped up I'm done with the FBI, but will be going back to the police department working undercover with Dave," Michelle said.

"And you love him too?" I asked.

"He asked me to marry him," Michelle said.

I invited Michelle in the house and walked back in the master bathroom picking up the ring I gave her and telling her to keep it as a wedding present from me. I gave her a hug and kiss, hiding the tears that I knew would be rolling down my cheeks as soon as I was alone.

## Chapter 38

No one said much of anything, but they all watched me wondering just what I did to stop those six men from being able to do any harm to them or my property.

Trying to come up with sleeping arrangements for every one was difficult since Kathy had her spouse and Niki and Judy insisted on being together as well as Nancy and her boyfriend. I had a five bedroom house and still not enough beds for everyone. I tried giving the master bedroom to Kathy and the bigger of the kids rooms to Niki and Judy and Niki protested since I forgot that was the bedroom she had been tied to the bed in.

In the end Niki and Judy had the master bedroom and Kathy and Jennifer took the smaller bedroom upstairs. Andrea, Lindsey and Angela shared Andrea's room leaving me and Marc the only ones without rooms to sleep in until I remembered Chelsea was here and didn't have a room either.

I wasn't going to let Chelsea sleep with any of my girls because I still didn't trust her, so gave her blankets and Chelsea, Marc and I made do with couches chairs or the floor.

Kathy offered to let me take the room she was in, but I told her she needed the rest more than I did and if Marc had any problems I'd need to be able to get to him.

They didn't any of them understand how hard it was for me to sleep. They had all seen me get lost in the memories, and as bad as the memories were now, my dreams were worse.

I sat in my chair closing my eyes and listening to the noises. Marc climbed in my lap and was gone within minutes, Chelsea stretched out on the couch and it seemed was asleep within moments.

I laid Marc on the love seat tucking his blanket around him and headed in the kitchen.

I sat in the kitchen for a while thinking about all the twists life had given me. I knew if it weren't for the children I'd probably be gone by now and wouldn't have been able to give the clue that hopefully would bring down all of those involved in the nightmares I suffered, from so many years of abuse.

I stood up and walked outside not understanding why it was so light when the clock said it was the middle of the night. I looked up and finally remembered having turned on the yard lights and rather than turning them back off headed for my workout room in the barn. I sat at my desk trying to remember the last time I had done a full workout and couldn't remember doing a full workout since coming home after college.

I stood up and stretched making sure my muscles were all loose and started in on a workout. I started with the basics which consisted of the same moves I showed everyone tonight, but started into the next set which was a little more complicated and worked a greater number of muscles. By the time I reached the most advanced moves I had a set of nunchaku and was whipping them around like a jump rope.

As I completed the workout I knelt with my head down a film of sweat coating my entire body.

"That was beautiful," Dad said.

"How did you get here?" I asked.

"I've been released from jail and was told you would be in charge of making sure I don't get into any more trouble," Dad said.

"Out here in the barn is the only place I have you can stay for now. Is Uncle Robert here too?" I asked.

"I guess that will have to work for now," Dad said.

Uncle Robert came in the barn after I told dad it was the only place I had currently they could stay. I showed them to the loft and said they could make themselves as comfortable as they could as long as they didn't break any of the hay bales, showing them which were hay and which were straw. I found a couple old wool blankets and gave each of them one blanket and let them know if they needed more they could help themselves, but I expected them to clean up in the morning.

I headed back down and locked my training room and turned back to the house, seeing a car I didn't know turned to it instead.

"Are you the one who brought them out here?" I asked stepping up to the car.

"They were released an hour ago and Robert's wife said they couldn't go there. I figured since it was your idea to let them out, you might be willing to let them stay here," William said.

"Do you have any idea the danger they're in here?" I asked.

"I imagine no more than the rest of your family. Alex I heard about what happened out here tonight," William said.

"Those were kids William. They had no idea what they were doing and were simply the first wave of a bigger sea of corruption. I know before this is over I'll likely have to kill again trying to protect my family and if you haven't noticed I'm the only one up around here," I said.

"I can post men around the property to insure no one get in," William said.

"No William you can't, you could try, but I know it will come down to me being at my best. I have no doubt those bastards have people as good, or better, than I am in martial arts, and if those men you used to test my abilities are the best you have the door might as well be standing open with a big welcome sign," I said.

William looked off in the distance trying to think of something he could do to ensure the safety of me and my family.

I heard something and motioned for William to please stay in his car and headed back for the barn. The noise hadn't come from inside the barn but from the corral the horses were in. I slipped through the fence and was met by Rose and Happy, both of them nervous so I held one of them on each side of me to hide from whoever might be there.

I watched for any movement that couldn't be attributed to the horses and saw what looked like a horse with boots on.

I palmed a couple stars and got Rose and Happy moving in the direction of the boots I had seen. Before reaching the horse I fell out from between mine and Lindsey's horses encouraging them to continue on as though I were still there. Laying on the ground it was easier to blend into the surroundings and when Rose came even with the horse that looked to be wearing boots someone stepped out and I released one of the stars I had.

I heard the muffled sound of someone falling and turned my attention elsewhere in the pasture. The man I had just thrown a star at was dead since the only part of him I could see was from his shoulders up, and one of my stars in any of that area would have killed not just wounded.

I saw something else move and rolled trying to find a better angle and bumped into someone that jumped up and tried aiming something. I released the other star I was holding and the man went over backward as the star hit him just under the ribcage slicing through into his heart.

I still wanted to find out what the movement had been I saw after killing the first man and saw William running toward the fence and someone stand leveling what appeared to be a gun at him. I palmed two more stars and let one of them fly followed quickly by the other. The man went down dropping the gun he had and I quickly headed in that direction finding both stars laying on the ground along with the gun, but no body.

I looked for any shadows that were out of place and released two more stars aiming for the legs of the man using the shadows to move. I heard the first star find it's target followed quickly by the sound of the second hitting it's intended target and a crashing as the man went down again.

"If your smart you'll stay where you are this time because I won't be throwing to wound again," I said.

I got over to where the man lay a star sticking out of both legs just enough to see them.

"If I remove those you'll bleed to death in minutes. I have no doubt the paramedics are already on their way," I said.

The man looked at me trying to rollover and I stepped on his shoulders. He gave up and I saw William coming across the pasture at a dead run.

"How many friends did you have out here?" I asked.

"There were three of us," he said.

"Moving will only cause those stars to go in deeper, and from the looks they're very close to the arteries now," I said.

William finally got to were I was standing and I let him know the person laying there was alive and as long as they didn't move would remain that way long enough for paramedics to arrive, but the stars in their legs were deep enough trying to get a hold of them would only cause them to go in deeper and from the looks they were right against the arteries now.

"Where there any others?" William asked.

"Two for sure, both dead, or at least I think they're dead," I said.

William gave me a look of disbelief. He had only ever seen the one man and I was telling him there were at least two more and I had more than likely killed both of them.

I went over where the first man should be and saw my star embedded in his neck with a pool of blood soaking into the earth below the exposed wound. I checked and found no pulse and figured the star cut the artery. I left the star where it was and headed over to the second man.

He seemed to still be alive but not if he didn't get medical treatment very soon to stop the bleeding. He was definitely unconscious, and with how little blood there was it appeared all the bleeding was internal.

"William this one is still alive but I doubt he'll last long if we can't get him some medical care soon," I called over to William who was still standing by the third man.

"What about the other one?" William asked.

"He's dead. The star hit him in the neck and looks to have cut the artery," I said.

I saw the lights in the house come on and wondered who was up. William started back to his car and I caught up to him as Kathy and Niki came out of the house headed in the same direction.

"Alex the guy with the leg wounds told me who it was that sent them out here. You don't need to worry about facing any charges since they were sent out here to kill you and make sure no one else here went anywhere," William said.

"Does that mean you can now arrest those bastards?" I asked.

"It does, and I already called my office letting them know I expected everyone of those men in jail before the sun comes up," William said.

When the sun came up Kathy and Jennifer were both sitting in front of the TV with the news going. The big story being the arrest of the entire leadership of the predominant religion on human trafficking, rape, sexual abuse as well as attempted murder and murder charges.

William was there giving a statement saying that thanks to an unnamed source he now had enough evidence to insure all of those involved would spend the rest of their lives in prison. I felt the tear hit my cheek when I realized until those men were all sitting behind bars he would do all he could to keep my name out of the news.

"Alex do you know who he means by an unnamed source?" Kathy asked.

Another tear started down my cheek and I walked out the back door not answering her question.

I needed somewhere else for my family to stay. Somewhere no one would know, somewhere they could get to and from easily.

I tried to think and every time I thought of somewhere a dozen reasons why it was worse than here on my ranch came back telling me no.

"Mom, is there any chance of me going back to my parents home to get the rest of mine, Angela and Marc's things?" Lindsey asked.

"Your things? Lindsey do you have the key to your old home?" I asked.

She looked at me and smiled.

"Lindsey is that house as big as this one?" I asked.

"I think it's bigger," Lindsey said.

"Can you show me so we don't have to go out on the road?" I asked.

Lindsey told me there was a road from this house to her parents house and Erica's house. That they almost never went on the road to visit each other in the past.

I asked all my sisters to please follow and I would show them somewhere that would be safer since no one knew it was part of my property and no one was living there as well. Lindsey showed me the back way from the house we were living in to her parents old house. The road cut to the back of the property where it couldn't be seen from the main road and Linda's old house was far enough back off the road it couldn't be seen. I knew it couldn't be seen from the other house since I had no idea it was there.

From the outside it looked much the same as the house we had been living in, and when we got inside it did look bigger. Unlike the house we had been living in this house had six bedrooms and three full baths with another half bath.

It didn't take long and everyone had picked a bedroom. Kathy and Jennifer took the master bedroom and had everything they had with them in the room in no time. Niki took the largest of the other bedrooms and Nancy took the one across the hall from Niki. Lindsey still had her old bedroom she shared with Angela and said there was plenty of room for Andrea if she wanted.

Andrea opted to instead share a room with Marc, and Jesse had a room to herself that I said I would share on the nights I might be there.

I needed to find out if Erica and Aaron, had moved yet, because if they had I would put dad, Uncle Robert and Chelsea in that house leaving mom in the mother-in-law house and me in the house I called home since getting out of prison.

Kathy offered to take me back to the house and Lindsey insisted on coming with so she could help Kathy find the way back again. At the house I told them I didn't want them coming back until this nightmare was over, that I would stop by and see them every day and to get to the other house they would need to plan on using the horses because the road was hard to see and I didn't want it becoming obvious it was being used, nor did I want anyone seeing them coming and going via the driveway to that house.

Lindsey saddled Happy and a couple other horses while I thanked Kathy for agreeing to watch the kids for the night.

When they were all ready to go Lindsey lead Kathy back via the private road with the extra horses tied to her saddle.

I knew they would be back shortly to get more of the horses if they needed, and possibly bring some of the vehicles back so they had a way on and off the property.

I saddled Rose after checking on dad, Uncle Robert and Chelsea. I made sure they didn't have any phones and rode over toward Erica's to see if she had moved out yet. I took out my cell phone and called Michelle on the way and she said as far as she knew Erica had moved out the day before and told me where a spar key was so I could see what might be in the house.

I rode into the yard and Erica stepped out on the porch giving me a dirty look but not saying anything.

"I was wondering if you were moved yet," I said when I got up closer to the house.

"What you can't wait to get rid of me the way you did Marc?" Erica asked.

"If you think I wanted to get rid of Marc your crazier than I thought. Marc was someone I hoped to spend the remainder of my life with, and when he chose to be true to himself and become Michelle I still wanted her, even giving her a ring much like the one Marc gave me," I said.

"So what is it you want here?" Erica asked.

"If you're done moving out I have some people I would like to move in here, if you need more time I guess I can find somewhere else to put them," I said.

"So you aren't going to just tell me to get out right now?" Erica asked.

"There's no hurry if you need more time. I'm guessing Michelle told you she sold your ranch to me after you signed the papers selling it to her?" I asked.

"If I would have known she was going to sell it to you before signing the papers I never would have sold it to her," Erica said.

"I'm asking how much more time you need?" I asked.

"This is the last of what we're taking. It's all yours now bitch," Erica said.

She threw her keys to the house at me and stomped off the porch to her truck slamming the door before I was able to get off Rose and find the keys she threw at me.

I unlocked the house and saw a mess where she trashed some of the furniture and threw garbage all over. With each room I shook my head at the wanton destruction she left the house in. It wasn't like I really cared about any of the furnishings since I knew if I used this house I would likely need to replace much of them, but for her to have trashed so much told me she didn't care about anyone but herself, and blamed me for everything she thought was wrong with her family and the world in general.

From the house I went over to the barn and started going through things out there and found the milking machines covered in excrement with cut belts and bared wires everywhere. I shook my head at the wanton destruction.

"Are you the new owner?" someone asked behind me.

"I'm guessing you didn't have anything to do with this?" I asked.

"No ma'am. Erica said we might want to find new jobs since she said the new owner was a first class bitch," the man said.

"She doesn't like me because of something that she doesn't agree with. In a way she reminds me of someone who's sitting in jail right now for conspiracy to commit murder. To answer your question though, yes, I'm the new owner," I said.

"It's going to take a lot of work to get this fixed if you intend to stay in the dairy business," the man said.

"This is a problem but not a serious one. I have two other milking facilities I can use though only one of them has been used recently. Is there any chance you and the others working here could check out the facility that hasn't been used recently and have it ready by the time the cows need to be milked?" I asked.

"If it ain't too far to go," the man said.

"It's the property to the west, the barn there has a milking machine as big as this one and I have no idea when the last time it was used was," I said.

"So you bought Marc's old place?" the man asked.

"I have control of the Adleson ranch now. Right now I'm in the process of adopting Linda's kids and Marc sold me his place," I said.

"Now I understand why Erica was so pissed. The funny thing is I don't think she really even liked those kids," the man said.

"Believe me that isn't the reason for her anger at me, and the real reason is one that baffles me to no end," I said.

The man just stood there rubbing his chin.

"Did she do any damage to the bunk house?" I asked.

"No she left it alone, but I think that's just because you got here when you did. I think she was trying to give us time to get our things out first and when you got here she left rather than face a chance of going to jail," the man said.

"Are there any spar rooms in the bunk house?" I asked.

"Lots, it's less than half full," the man said.

"I have a couple men I intend to move here then, and I'd appreciate it if you could help them learn to help with the milking and tending to the cows. There'll be a young lady with who I would also like to learn, but if she gives you a lot of trouble and wants to leave let her go, this is her last chance of getting help from me," I said.

"And the men should we let them go too?" the man asked.

"They're on probation, so I doubt they'll cause much trouble, but if they do let me know before running them off," I said.

The man looked at me and smiled.

"I have a feeling things around here are going to get better rather than worse like Erica said they would," the man said.

"I really hope things are better. I'll need to go over what you all are being paid both here and over on the Gregory part of the ranch and I'll be bringing everyone up to the same pay scale which ever is higher and possibly give out some raises even after that if conditions permit," I said.

The man smiled even bigger and showed me to the bunk house so I could see what, if anything I would need to get so dad, Uncle Robert and Chelsea would all be comfortable.

I rode back over to the house trying to figure out what I was going to do about the house Erica trashed and by the time I reached the house was fairly certain I'd just have the house torn down.

"Dad, Uncle Robert?" I said entering the barn.

"Look what we have here boys," someone said as I entered.

I looked around and smiled.

"Is there something I can help you men with?" I asked.

"That all depends on whether your Karen or Andrea," the man said.

"My oldest daughters name is Andrea, but I doubt that's the Andrea you mean. As for this Karen, I have no idea who that might be," I said.

Three of the men standing there scoffed and two of them came at me as though to restrain me.

They grabbed my arms and I just stood there wonder what they intended. I didn't have to wait long to find out because a couple more came in to help hold me while the one who had spoken said to raise my skirt so they could see if I was male or female.

A fifth man started to grab for my skirt and I sent two of the men holding me flying and had the other two laying on the floor unconscious before the man going for my skirt made half the distance. The man who at that point had been the spokesman was down with a star sticking out of each arm and the one reaching for my dress stopped mid stride seeing that the next star I had was aimed at him.

"For the record gentlemen I already know who sent you because of the names you used, but Karen was never my name and Kathy stopped using Andrea several years ago," I said.

I tossed a star and a man fell out of the hayloft bringing the total to seven this time.

I took out my phone and called William letting him know I had a few more he could add to his collection of bad guys.

Dad and Uncle Robert came down from the hayloft shortly after the man I threw the star at fell.

"You see dad I learned a little more than law when I went off to college," I said.

"I can see that. They said they were going to kill you and wanted us to tell them which you were," Dad said.

"And so of course instead of using our names you used Karen and Andrea?" I asked.

"No dear, we just didn't correct them," Uncle Robert said.

"Where is Chelsea?" I asked.

"We don't know, after you left on the horse she took off saying you didn't care and never would," Dad said.

"I've offered that kid help three times now and each time she didn't like the help I offered because it wasn't what she wanted. I'm afraid if she comes for help again she'll find out she's on her own now. I need both of you to get whatever you have while I saddle a couple horse for you. I have somewhere a little safer for you to stay and you'll be learning a new profession since you're both on probation and need jobs to stay out of trouble," I said.

I got two of the horses saddled and waited for dad and Uncle Robert to get on before getting back on Rose. On the way over to Erica's I explained to each of them just what I expected from them, and that they couldn't be fired by anyone but me, but if they caused any problem they would be fired which would mean they would go back to jail.

Both of them said they understood and were glad I was willing to give them a chance, but weren't sure they could handle doing dairy work since they had both been involved in high tech industries before they surrendered.

"There is another choice, but its manual labor as well," I said.

They both looked at me and nodded asking what it was.

"For now you'll be living in the bunkhouse over here, but if you don't think you can handle doing what I need done with the milk cows the house over here has been trashed and needs to either be fixed up or torn down. Once that's done there is also a milk barn over here that the milking machine has been trashed and that needs to either be repaired or taken out so I can take down the structures over here and do something else," I said.

"But if you take out all the structures where will all your hired hands live?" Dad asked.

"The bunkhouse will stay at least until the new one is built over closer to the milking barn I have over by my home," I said.

When we arrived at the bunkhouse I introduced dad and Uncle Robert to the foreman reminding him of the conditions we discussed earlier.

He asked about Chelsea and I told him she was gone when I got back to the house and as far as I was concerned she used up all the help I was willing to offer.

He said he would see about getting the milking machines over at the house setup before time for the cows to be milked, and now he had more than enough help as long as dad and Uncle Robert were willing to do what he said without complaining every time he gave them something to do.

"Joe I do have one request, if I'm not there during the milking David and Robert should be here not there. There are some men who would love to see me dead, but would settle for hurting me and while I am more than capable of defending myself David and Robert are not, and they would kill or hurt them trying to get to me," I said.

"I'm guessing David and Robert are related to you somehow then?" Joe asked.

"David is my father and Robert is a dear friend that's more like a favorite uncle," I said.

Joe rode back over to the house with me and took a look at the equipment I had and smiled.

When Joe saw the men tied up he looked over at me and shook his head ignoring them as best he could since I already told him there were men who wanted me dead.

"Ma'am this equipment just needs to be cleaned so we should have no trouble being ready once milking time gets here. The big problem I see is getting the cows here, and if either David or Robert know how to ride it would help," Joe said.

"Joe if you need that kind of help I suggest you talk to whoever is the acting foreman over at the other place. Just make sure you talk to Lindsey and she'll be able to help out," I said.

"That little lady is smarter when it comes to this than her folks were. If she's willing to help I have no doubt we'll get things worked out," Joe said.

## Chapter 39

William showed up just before Joe left and Joe looked ready to fight if he needed to.

"Joe, William is a friend and I have no doubt there will be another half dozen cars here before long as well as an ambulance for the one with the bandages on his arms. They'll all be carted off to jail. If William sticks around it's because he's waiting for me to get ready for the dinner date he invited me on," I said.

"All them guys tied up you took out by yourself?" Joe asked.

"Joe I have a couple black belts and am banned from ever competing in any martial arts competitions. I'm also ranked in the top five worldwide in the use of the Samaria sword, throwing stars, and nunchaku," I said.

"I'm guessing you didn't get the money to buy this place from your dad, so your mom comes from a well to do family?" Joe asked.

"Mom was a stay at home mother my whole life and her family doesn't have any more money than dads family. I made my money as a lawyer, and from what I keep hearing, I'm one of the top contract lawyers in the state and I've heard a lot of people say the country," I said.

Joe headed back to the bunkhouse to get a few more men to help get the milking barn and equipment cleaned up so it would be ready when it was time to get the cows milked.

I walked in the house with William going in with me and stopping me when we got inside with the door closed.

"How many more attacks like this do you figure there'll be?" William asked.

"I don't know and I'm not sure I want to know since they seem to be getting harder and more violent with each one. William how long before this goes to court?" I asked.

"We still have a couple more of them to pick up and the jail is already getting over crowded," William said.

"You do know you'll need to file for a change of venue if you hope to find an impartial jury?" I asked.

"It's already being arranged, hopefully once everyone is moved to the new venue these attacks will stop completely," William said.

"I hope your right, but until those bastards are locked away I know there'll be people who will blame me and want me dead," I said.

"Did you want to go to dinner early?" William asked.

"Let me get cleaned up and I'll be ready. Make yourself comfortable," I said.

"I was kind of hoping to meet the rest of your family," William said when I stepped in my bedroom and started getting ready to get in the shower.

"I moved them elsewhere for their safety," I called back through the door.

I stepped in the shower and let the hot water wash over me rinsing off more than washing. I stepped out of the shower toweling off and wrapped the towel around myself just in case William decided he would wait in the bedroom rather than the living room.

I opened the drawer for a clean pair of panties and saw one of the prosthetics sitting on top of the panties. I started to close the drawer and wondered if that was why Marc decided he couldn't handle a relationship with me any longer.

As long as he had known me I had been female appearing in every way and the other night I took off the prosthetic and told him I couldn't put it back on and wouldn't hide who I was again. I called three of the surgeons that preformed the surgery I wanted since I was still just a teenager, and they all told me the waiting list for surgery was a year or more.

Another year before I'd be able to finally be the woman I knew I was both in body and mind, and all I wanted was to be whole now.

I took out one of my shortest dresses and slid it over my head still not having put on a pair of panties because I wasn't sure I could stand the thought of not wearing a prosthetic, but didn't want to have someone think I was lying to them.

I opened the bedroom door and called William asking him to please come talk to me while I finished getting ready.

I left the door part way open and went over to my makeup table and started putting on the makeup I thought would go with a night of dancing.

I finished applying my mascara and William still hadn't come to the door yet, so I got in the drawer and took out the prosthetic sitting on top and put it on. This prosthetic was the same as the one Michelle was wearing, but I didn't have any small vibrators like I had given her so didn't know how well it might work. The directions for it said it worked best if used with a mini vibrator for at least the first twenty-four to forty-eight hours.

I pulled on a pair of panties and headed back toward the living room.

As I entered the living room I smiled seeing William sitting in the chair Marc always sat in.

Our dinner date was for six o'clock and it was now ten minutes to six and here sat the man I was supposed to be dining with his eyes closed and his breathing deep. Should I wake him or let him sleep? The thought of waking him so we could go out was tempting, but how little sleep had he gotten since this whole thing started. Rather than waking him I sat in his lap putting my arms around him and giving him a kiss.

His eyes opened and I stoked his cheek and hair letting him know it was alright if he slept.

He didn't move and his eyes closed again. We sat there with me in his lap for another ten minutes and I heard his watch beep.

"I... how long have I been asleep here?" William asked.

"I'm not really sure since you were asleep when I came out from getting cleaned up," I said.

"How long ago was that?" William asked.

"About fifteen minutes ago," I said.

"Why didn't you wake me?" William asked.

"Because you looked so peaceful, and I figured you could use the sleep," I said.

"Last night was a rather long night, but I hope we can let the problems of this case slip away at least for tonight and enjoy ourselves. I have a feeling that's something you haven't done in a very long time," William said.

"I enjoy doing my workouts and spending time with my kids. I enjoy working on a case when I know my client is innocent and finding the evidence to prove it while also finding the evidence to send the person who is guilty to prison. I enjoy riding my horse just for the pleasure of the wind through my hair, I've learned to enjoy life and can find joy in most anything," I said.

"If your ready I guess we could leave any time," William said.

"Or we could sit here and you can get a little more sleep," I said.

"As much as I'm enjoying having you in my lap like this I think the people we're supposed to be having dinner with might wonder what happened to us," William said.

I stood up and offered William a hand getting up and he gave me a dirty look and stood up not accepting my hand.

We walked out to the car and I saw dad and Uncle Robert coming out of the barn with a couple men I didn't know following close behind, so headed over in that direction.

"Dad?" I said.

"We were asked to help get the milking machines here cleaned up so they can be used," dad said.

"I hope you're headed back to the bunkhouse now," I said.

"We are. Joe said unless your here we can't be and he asked us to see about getting the machines over there repaired or at least find out what it will take to fix them," dad said.

I stood there watching as dad and the others all mounted their horses and headed back over to the bunkhouse. When they were out of site I turned to William and let him know I was ready to go whenever he was.

We walked back to the car and he opened the door for me so I gave him a dirty look as repayment for him refusing my help in getting out of the chair.

He didn't say anything and stood there waiting for me to get in closing the door and walking around to the driver side getting in and pulling his seatbelt around and clicking it in place before starting the car.

He turned the opposite direction of town and I couldn't fathom what might be the direction we were now headed.

I heard Professor Pratt had retired, but had no idea where he might have moved since I knew he owned the home he had near the university.

I looked over at William and saw him smile at my confusion over his choice of directions.

About ten minutes after turning out of my driveway he turned in the driveway of another ranch. It seemed we rode for another ten minutes before finally reaching any structures and I looked over at him again.

"This is actually a road and there are a half dozen ranches out here that use it as an access," William said.

The second house I saw after he turned on the dirt road, he turned into and parked next to a car I remembered from my college days.

"Uncle Bill said if I ever got the chance to meet you he wanted to hear all about it," William said.

William walked around the car opening my door and offering me a hand getting out. As I stood I saw Professor Pratt standing on the porch and smiled at him letting him know I hadn't forgotten him.

I hooked my arm in William's and we walked from the car to the house together Professor Pratt meeting us at the top of the stairs with Mrs Pratt standing just inside the door.

Once on the porch I hooked my other hand in Professor Pratt's arm and we all walked the short distance across the porch.

"You seem to have become a little more regal since you were in my class," Professor Pratt said.

"I hope not, at least I hope I haven't become snobbish the way of most people I've heard called regal," I said.

"I doubt you could ever be considered snobbish," Professor Pratt said.

I gave Mrs Pratt a hug when we entered and got a kiss on the cheek, as she told me how good it was to see me again after so many years.

"Alexandra I hope you will come out and visit now that you know where we're living," Beth Pratt said.

"I'd like that ma'am, but I'd also like to invite you to come by and visit me on my ranch since it isn't really all that far from here," I said. "That way you could meet the rest of my family. My twin sister and big sister, as well as my baby sisters."

"I thought you said you had a brother dear?" Beth asked.

"My brother died a few weeks ago. Something about a throwing star in the neck," I said.

"A throwing star? Is that one of those little stars you seemed to always have?" Beth asked.

"Yes ma'am it is. The one that found its way into my brothers neck looked very much like this one though I don't think it was this one," I said.

"I'm not sure I understand dear, from the way you said that it sounds like it was one of your stars," Beth said.

"Ma'am there was no love loss between my brother and the rest of the family. He thought he could do whatever he wanted because he was bigger and stronger than us girls were. He was instrumental in my oldest sister turning inward to protect herself from the abuse he and others committed. The day he died he kidnapped my little sister and a dear friends sister and tied them to beds in my home. When the police finally showed up and tried to arrest him he managed to get one of their guns and took a shot at me. I threw a star without thought and less that a minute later he was dead," I said.

"Your the one Billy talks about as being the chef witness for the prosecution in the case he's working on," Beth said.

"So Alexandra tell me about your time since you graduated," Professor Pratt said.

"I went to work for a local law firm so I could be close to my family. When they hired me they said they didn't have any openings for criminal attorneys and had me working contract and constitutional law. After I met the terms of the contract that should have made me a full partner they said I still hadn't fulfilled all the terms and the senior partner finally told me I would never be a partner in that law firm unless I was willing to practice law the way they wanted and that was something I couldn't do. For the last five years I've been retired and working at the Pride Center until about two years ago when the local religion along with my brother conspired to set me up on a murder charge and I ended up in prison for a crime that never happened. Since getting out of prison I've decided to set up my own law firm and with the help of a couple old class mates should start letting the justice system around here know it will either abide the constitution or there are lawyers that will hold it accountable," I said.

Professor Pratt sat there listening as I ran down the list of things that transpired since I graduated school. When I said I had been in prison he looked up and started to say something but stopped since I continued making sure to mention the charges had been fabricated.

I saw him look at my wrists and continued on without making mention of the fact I tried to kill myself twice, and still fought the desire to kill myself daily.

Someone I knew from the work at the Pride Center came in as I wrapped up.

"Hello Janet," I said. "How are you and Connie doing."

Janet saw me and ran over giving me a hug.

"We're talking about adopting. How are you? I heard you had some problems a couple years ago," Janet said.

"I was just telling Professor Bill about that," I said.

"You know Uncle Bill? He's the one that told me I could probably find the help I needed from the Pride Center," Janet said.

"He was my criminal law professor in college," I said.

"Your the student he had he always talks about, the one who saved a couple men who were sent to prison without due process, or something like that?" Janet asked.

"I really don't know Janet, I've never heard the stories he tells," I said.

I looked over at the professor and saw him trying very hard not to laugh and nodding that indeed I was the one he talked about that way.

"Alex you are the only student I've had I felt earned an 'A' in my class," Professor Pratt said.

"If I earned an 'A' why didn't I get an 'A'?" I asked. "Professor you're the only teacher that never gave me an 'A', and while I do remember you telling me why, it never did make sense to me. I couldn't do what you asked because if I had I would have had to quit school for a quarter so I would have enough money to finish since to help more on those cases than I did would have put my job in jeopardy," I said.

"I understand that Alex, I really do, but from what I've heard you have more than enough you don't need to work," Professor Pratt said.

"Now I do, but then I didn't. The last three years I worked as a contract lawyer I had a dozen large companies that kept me on retainer at between one hundred thousand and five hundred thousand dollars a year. And contracts I negotiated paid an additional amount of five percent of the contract, and most of those were well over a million dollars in my pocket. Defending a contract was another five to ten percent of any settlement again usually over a million dollars in my pockets. I'm not sure how much I have in the bank now, but it was more than enough to take five years off finance the startup costs of the Pride Center and now get my own law firm going where I can help people like those two you helped and wanted me to help with. Right now I have one appeal I'll be taking to court and three more pending of men who are sitting in prison who shouldn't be," I said.

"It sounds like you've done very well for yourself," Beth said.

"I've done alright, and it's because of the contract work I did I was able to give William the evidence to bring all those in the case he's working on to justice. The big problem is I've also made myself their top enemy since I'm also a key witness for the prosecution in that case," I said.

"I'm sorry Alex, but in what way are you a key witness?" Professor Pratt asked.

"From the time I was eight years old until I went to college I was abused by the people who are defendants in that case. I'm one of the few people who can identify them who has never been declared mentally incapable due to the abuse, and believe me there are few others who suffered worse than I did," I said.

Beth looked away since I guessed she knew about the case William was working on and the depravity of those charged with abuse. Professor Pratt didn't seem to be in the here and now, and Janet looked at me like she didn't know me any longer.

I looked over at William and saw he to was having difficulty with what I said so I turned for the door and walked out on the porch.

"They didn't know Alex," William said coming out behind me.

"William do you know I'm transgender?" I asked.

"Uncle Bill said you were registered for school as Alexander Kevin DeMay. I've also seen the record of your name change and that your sex on your birth certificate is male," William said.

"I've never been male," I said.

"Alex from everything I know about you, I find it hard to believe you even like men, any men. Everything I've seen says all the abuse was at the hands of men," William said.

"It was also men who taught me I had value other than as a sex toy. Your uncle was one of the first to tell me I was worth something, then there was my sensei, and later the master who finished my martial arts training, they were male and secure in their person as men," I said.

He didn't say anything just wrapped his arms around my waist.

I leaned back against him hoping he would support me so I didn't fall, placing my hands on his.

"All I've ever wanted was to be able to be myself, to be accepted as myself. I hate what those men did to me, but I don't blame other men for what they did. Those men are more like animals than men and even among the animals there isn't the abuse like they dished out," I said.

"They've tried to destroy you and each time they tried there was someone there to give you what you needed to continue. I hope one day I can be one of those who was there to help hold you up when all you wanted was to fall," William said.

"Did Michelle tell you about the ring I gave her?" I asked.

"She told me she couldn't accept it because she wasn't ready for that kind of relationship," William said.

"I don't blame her for wanting to finally be herself, and as herself, not being able to accept a lesbian relationship. It doesn't change how I feel about her, but it's because I do love her, I can let her go and hope for someone who can accept me for me," I said.

"Should we go back in and have dinner?" William asked.

"William..." I started to say something but lost the words before getting anything more out than William's name.

I turned and together we walked back in the house to find everyone inside sitting at the table waiting for us.

"We were hoping you'd come back in. Alex, I'm not sure what you thought of how we behaved, it wasn't you we were offended by, but what we know of the case William is working on and the atrocities involved, and that you could have been involved in any way even as a victim. It's hard to understand how you've been able to maintain your grasp of reality when so many others weren't able," Professor Pratt said.

"I had three sisters I fought to save from the horrors of what those people committed. I almost gave up when my oldest sister was dragged into it by her twin brother. It was because of my younger sisters I held on and eventually was big enough to actually defend them," I said.

"Your own brother dragged one of your sisters into that?" Beth asked.

"Actually he dragged all three of my natal sisters into it and abused my youngest sister, who like me is transgender, by beating her up if she didn't do what he wanted," I said.

"I thought you said it was only you and your oldest sister," Professor Pratt said.

"Before I finished high school I had taken some kick-boxing classes offered through the high school. One night when my twin sister and I were doing our homework my brother came in our room and tried forcing himself on Kathy. In the past I had never been able to stand up to him because of how much bigger he was than me. This time he went to far and I hit him in the back causing him to land on the bed. He recovered quickly and turned his attention to me and was intending to do what he always did, beat me up. He charged at me and I gave what is called a roundhouse kick and caught him in the jaw shattering his jaw and knocking him out."

"Dad wanting to know what was happening came in and seeing David laying on the floor dragged me to his room and started hitting me with a steel tipped belt he had. His first swing stung so much I didn't really feel the next two swings and before he could make his forth swing I kicked him and sent him crashing on his bed. He recovered fast and charged me the same way David had done and I sidestepped him late enough he couldn't recover his attack and kicked him as he started by before he could adjust and he crashed through the closed door and was laying in the hall stunned. I stood over him and told him if he or David ever laid a hand on me or any of my sisters again I would kill them. Six months later I left for college and while I was in college David, my brother, threatened Kathy and Niki that if either of them told me he abused them he would kill me and then kill them," I said.

"So you had been able to protect them until you went off to college?" Janet asked.

"Kathy my twin sister promised she would tell me if he ever tried dragging her or Niki into it. She thought the time I broke David's jaw was a fluke, just a lucky shot. Since he threated to kill me if she told me she didn't tell me. When I went home on break after the first quarter Nancy our baby sister told me David and dad were picking on her the way they had me other than the sexual abuse I never told any of them about."

"I called dad and told him if he ever touched one of my siblings again, other than David, I would make him wish he never knew me. Then hung up without giving him a chance to say anything. After I hung up David came out of the house and started calling me all the names he called me when we were younger. I told him if he ever touched one of my sisters I would kill him and he got mad and said he was going to teach me a lesson once and for all. He charged at me and I moved when he was close enough he couldn't adjust and kicked him in the ass on his way by me. He went face first into the lawn and came up quickly even madder than he was before. He charged at me again and this time I faked a move getting him to adjust to it and stepped into his charge instead, raising my knee into his groin. He went flying backward landing on the grass clutching himself crying. I walked over to him and told him I wasn't kidding that if I ever found out he did anything to one of my sisters or younger brother, or even my mother and father, I'd kill him," I said.

"You were already learning martial arts by then?" William asked.

"I was still a white belt, but had seen my brother fight enough times I knew what he would do in trying to use his size against me. My sensei told me from the start that someone who uses their size is all talk and knows nothing about self control. He said the key to winning was to know yourself and in that knowledge you would know your opponent," I said.

"Did that stop what he was doing? Didn't he just start again when you went back to school?" Beth asked.

"He did, but his threat to my sisters changed. I wasn't there and he knew they couldn't beat him so he said he would kill them if they ever told me," I said.

"Did you ever fight with him again?" Janet asked.

"My sisters never told me what he did until after he was already dead. To answer your question Janet, I did have one more fight with him. He kidnapped my sister Niki and the youngest sister of the man I thought I was going to marry. He took them in my home and tied them to beds. He and some of his friends were going to rape them, but wanted to make sure I saw them doing it while knowing there wasn't anything I could do to stop them. He didn't know I completed my martial arts training and was considered a master in two different forms of martial arts. He knew I had taken lessons in the use of throwing stars and Samaria sword, but the one time he had seen me practicing with either, neither my stars nor my sword were sharp. When the police showed up to arrest him and his friends he managed to get one of the officers guns and took a shot at me. He was preparing to take another shot when I let one of my throwing stars go, hitting him in the neck cutting his artery and windpipe, he drowned in his own blood," I said.

"So you did kill him?" Janet asked.

"Janet when I let that star go, I knew it's target and knew he was dead. There were six policemen in that little room as well as an FBI agent. They all saw what happened and of all the people in that room I was the only one to react before he could have gotten off another shot," I said.

"When we met I don't remember seeing those scars on your arms," Janet said.

"Because they weren't there when we met. If you don't mind I'd rather not talk about why they're there now," I said.

"It's just they look like they were self inflicted," Janet said.

"They were self inflicted, both sets of them," I said.

Again they all looked away from me. I had no idea what their thoughts were and it really didn't matter. William knew about both sets of scars, but I doubted he understood the reasons behind them any better than his family did.

Dinner was over unless there was a dessert of some kind, and even if there was I didn't think I could eat it. I placed my napkin on my plate and stood up turning again to the door.

If my life was so horrid to them, there was nothing I could do that could help them accept me. They didn't need to know why I attempted suicide twice, just as they didn't need to know it was my children who kept me from attempting it yet again.

I opened the door stepping out and reached to pull it closed again. I didn't need people judging me who couldn't begin to know what they were judging.

"Alex, please you need to know we can't imagine what you've been through and I believe are each of us wondering just how long we could have survived. I'm guessing one of those times was while you were in prison without any human contact, the other I can't imagine the cause," Professor Pratt said.

"Professor can you imagine having found someone you love with ever fiber of your being and then have something happen that you see as unconscionable and see fear in that persons eyes to the point all you can feel is the fear they might see you as a monster?" I asked.

"The day your brother died. I'm guessing it wasn't long after you got out of prison," Professor Pratt said.

"No one knew what I was capable of, not even me. I threatened to kill my brother several times in front of witnesses. I wanted him to stand trial for who and what he chose to become. In the last ten years I have never missed my target by more than a millimeter. When I let go of that star I knew its path, I knew its destination. That star hit exactly where it was aimed, and accomplished the intent for which it was thrown. The one thing I didn't count on was the look of fear in the eyes of the person I loved with all I am," I said.

"OMG! Alex I'm sure the fear they felt wasn't of you, but more likely for you," Professor Pratt said.

"Professor I had just killed someone in front of a half dozen police officers and an FBI agent. They everyone one of them had seen the wounds on the other men I disabled. I had been out of prison for a crime that never happened and while in prison was locked up like a vicious animal. The man I loved more than anything had fear in his eyes for whatever reason and all I could think of was that little five by seven cell. I saw myself as a vicious animal in that I threw that star to kill not disable. The thought of what I found myself capable of was more than I cared to know. Even now I have no regret for having killed my own brother, nor for having killed any of the men I've killed since, defending myself and those I love," I said.

I turned away from the house and felt a tear start rolling down my cheek.

"You used to always talk about balance. I remember you once telling me mental and physical balance was something you were trying to achieve. I'm curious did you ever achieve that balance?" Professor Pratt asked.

"I thought I had. For years I was able to believe I succeeded in protecting my sisters from those animals. The memories of being able to stand up to those monsters so they wouldn't know the depravity of some people was the focal point of my balance. When I learned I hadn't been able to protect them as well as I thought it ripped that balance apart. I do have a new focal point for that balance, but like the other it's fragile. My focal point now are four beautiful children that I'm trying to adopt. One of those children also suffered the abuse I did. I don't think to the extent I did, but she knows the horrors religion can mete out to people who fail to question leaders who preach one thing in public, but something entirely different in private," I said.

He didn't say anything and I felt another tear start rolling down my cheek. I wanted to hide somewhere, but didn't have anywhere to hide. I stood there looking out across the yard of the one professor I wanted to impress and get an 'A' from that everyone told me was impossible. Here that man stood telling me I earned an 'A' but because of things I couldn't control I hadn't received it, and all because I tried to live in a real world where things should have been right and people really could get what they earned rather than what someone chose for them arbitrarily.

"You know he really does care about you," William said placing his hands on my shoulders rubbing gently.

"He didn't believe me when I told him I couldn't finish school if I lost my job to sit in a court room with him. William I saved all I could from my job in high school to have enough to get into school. Between rent and the costs to stay in school it was going to take every penny I made to be able to continue since I hadn't been able to get a scholarship and every grant I applied for was denied. I had to pay for my education out of my own pocket and that meant working a full-time job as well as taking school full-time. I didn't have any extra time for anything," I said.

"He knows that. He found out after you graduated and were gone," William said.

"But he didn't believe me when I told him. I earned an 'A' from him and only got a 'B' because he asked for something I couldn't give, and didn't believe my explanation why I couldn't give what he wanted," I said.

"He retired because of you and his failure to give you what you deserved," William said.

I stared off across the yard no longer feeling William rubbing my neck or seeing anything in the here and now. I was back in the past wanting nothing more than to protect my sisters from the abuse I deserved. I was broken and deserved those men using me. That's what I kept telling myself, because I had two sisters at home that weren't broken and didn't deserve what these men did to people they saw as beneath them.

Beneath them... I was beneath them... I kept telling myself I was beneath them, because it would protect my sisters. I graduated with honors the top of my class in high school and still none of the colleges or universities wanted me. None of them were willing to give me a scholarship. The best I could do was the state university and even then it would be difficult financially.

I registered telling them I wanted to major in law and was accepted. The first quarter I took all the prerequisites so I could start working toward becoming a lawyer my second quarter. Everything is great Kathy said each time I called. Can't wait for you to come back a lawyer she said. I started looking into taking martial arts and found one school that had a wonderful reputation so went in to talk to the instructor and was told he couldn't help me because I had too much anger.

It took a month before he was willing to take me as a student, and then refused to let me learn with the other students he had.

I went home after the first quarter and my baby sister told me David and dad were treating her the way they had me before I was finally able to stand up to them. I did what I could and called dad and told him my protection included all my younger siblings and oldest sister and mother. I hung up without giving dad a chance to say anything, and David came out of the house calling me by the name I learned to hate from the years of abuse by dad and him along with so many others. I stood there like his words had no meaning and he got angrier with each passing word he said. I told him if he ever touched any of my other siblings or mom I would kill him, and he charged at me. His second charge ended the fight with him curled in a ball clutching his testicles and me telling him if he ever so much as threatened any of my family what he suffered this time would be nothing compared to what he would suffer when I found out.

I got back to school and found my criminal law professor was considered to be the most hateful professor in the school. It was well known no one ever got an 'A' in his class and most had to take his class twice to get a grade high enough to meet the requirement of taking the bar. I went in the class hoping what I heard was at least partly true, and had every intention of proving it was possible to get a fair grade out of even this teacher.

If you really want to learn criminal law he told me, go down to the courthouse and look through the cases. See what both the prosecutors and the defense attorneys did in the cases. I took his advice and went to the courthouse and started studying the old cases and came across a couple that didn't make sense. I went to talk to him about the two cases letting him know as a student I wasn't able to get copies of the cases, but was able to share what the cases were if he wanted to look into them himself.

The following day he set two files on my desk on his way to the front of the class for his lecture. All through the lecture all I could think about were those two files. I wanted to know what they were, but knew if I opened them I might miss something I would need if I ever graduated and became a lawyer. He said he gave a student a way of learning what the law was supposed to be about and that student came back with two injustices committed by a legal system that didn't always work the way it should. He went on to say that because of the work of that student he was contemplating taking a couple cases to see if he could correct the mistake that seemed apparent in the miscarriage done in those cases.

I looked down at the files sitting on my desk and realized the student he was talking about was me. The files sitting on my desk were the files I tried telling him about hoping he would be able to explain to me how something so blatant could possibly happen in the judicial system we have in this country.

After class he asked me to stay and said he wanted me to work up an appeal for both the files he set on my desk and once I had that done he wanted me to work up a new defense for both files. He was asking me to do the work of a full lawyer when I still knew very little about how the justice system actually worked.

"I want you to assist me on these cases Alex," he said. "Professor I can't." I explained, I couldn't miss that much time from work without risking my ability of ever being able to finish school.

You realize this will affect your grade, he said. I again explained I wanted to see justice done for those men, but I just couldn't risk my job if I ever hoped to be able to help even more people like those men. If I couldn't finish school I would never be a lawyer able to fight for those who needed a voice.

The work I had done gave him everything he needed to win those men their freedom, but it wasn't enough to get me the grade I earned, and it never gave me the freedom to go forward with a secret that tried hard to destroy me, to make me feel unworthy of anything but hate and contempt. I was broken and would forever be condemned to fighting for those who were whole, those who were untouched by the contamination that broke me.

I hated that 'B' I got in my criminal law class, because I knew I earned an 'A'. That 'B' was just another notch to show me how unworthy I was as a person.

## Chapter 40

The feel of William's hands on my shoulders returned and I turned to look at him.

"Are we going dancing, or is our date over?" I asked.

"We can go dancing if you'd like," William said.

I walked over to the car and waited while William let his family know we were going dancing.

While I waited for him to return I thought of all the times I wanted to handle cases like the two I found during my criminal law classes. All the people who were sitting in jail who hadn't actually broken the law, yet were in jail because someone didn't like what they had done. I lost two years of my life because I changed my name, and someone didn't like it, but weren't willing to object to the name change openly.

What would have happened had I not changed my name though? Would it have been me that would have been murdered rather than Ellen? If it would have been me at least Tammy would still be alive and have a chance of growing up. I have no doubt Ellen would have never been put through a circus trial where the outcome was predetermined, and then spend the next year and a half of her life behind bars she never should have been behind to start with.

"Alex is there any chance we can talk, please?" Professor Pratt asked.

"What do we have left to talk about Professor? I think we've both made ourselves understood on how we feel about the past, and what we hope for in the future," I said.

"Alex I gave you that 'B' because I didn't want to believe you couldn't have taken a little time to help in the courtroom with those cases. I didn't believe your excuse because I didn't see how anyone could work a full-time job, go to school full-time and take martial arts classes, and still do the kind of research you had to have done to work up those cases the way you did. It wasn't until you were gone from the school one of your roommates came to me and told me just how little time you spent in your room because you were either at school, work, martial arts classes, or research. They said it was like you never slept and hearing what you've said tonight I can only guess you don't get much sleep," Professor Pratt said.

"Imagine if you can, every time you close your eyes seeing the faces of men who have used you to quench their perverted lusts. You feel all the abuse you've lived through as though it was happening at that very moment. The smells so heavy in the air you can taste them simply by closing your eyes. I did sleep occasionally when I just couldn't go any longer and passed out from exhaustion. Since I was eight years old the most sleep I've had at any one time was when I was in the hospital recovering from... most of that sleep was medically induced and I don't really remember much about it," I said.

William arrived back at the car unlocking the doors and I slid in pulling the door shut behind me blocking any attempt by the professor to carry on the conversation. I didn't need to explain myself to him and I no longer cared since he as much as admitted he had given me a lower grade than I earned. He wasn't much different than anyone else in my life who through their actions told me I was worthless, I was broken.

A tear started rolling down my cheek and I reached up wiping it away hoping there wouldn't be anymore following it.

I felt William slide in the car and said I just wanted to go home. I didn't feel in the mood for anything and just wanted to go home.

He started the car and turned around headed out the shared drive to the main road.

"Alex I'm sorry about what happened," William said.

"Why did you take me there William? Why did you put me through that?" I asked knowing he didn't know things would end how they did.

"I... Uncle Bill said he hoped he'd get the chance to apologize for the grade he gave you. I didn't know they were going to ask all those questions about your past. I didn't know they thought of you as always having had money and pretending you didn't. Alex I didn't know anything about what happened because all I did know was Uncle Bill said you were the one student he had, who he always wished nothing but the best for," William said.

"It doesn't matter William, none of it matters anymore. I knew he didn't believe me when he gave me that grade all those years ago, and it just doesn't matter he is just another in a long line of people who treated me as though I'm worthless because I'm broken," I said.

"You aren't broken! Badly abused yes, but not broken. I've met a lot of people who are worthless and everyone of those men and women we are finally bringing to justice are as worthless as they come. They did everything they could to make you believe your only worth was as a sex toy, something only worthy to satisfy the needs of men like them. Your worth more than the lot of them combined, multiplied by a number that has an infinite number of zeros before it ever gets to a decimal point," William said.

"Then why can't I get past them? Why do I have to keep fighting just to survive? Why can't I finally sleep without reliving all the horror?" I asked.

He insisted on coming in with me when we got to my home. I assumed the milking was all done, but rather than going in the house headed for the barn. I heard something in the milking area and headed for my training room hoping to get some of the stars I had there, to find the lock broken on both the door and the desk I kept the stars in.

So the stars I had on me were going to have to be enough and hope whoever it was that broke my door and desk had my stars on them when I killed them.

I killed the lights to the barn and told William to wait in my training room with the door closed and barricaded so no one could get in. He needed to call and get some help and the sheriffs office and town police were not the ones to call, it took them to long to respond and likely as not would want to arrest me for protecting me and those I cared about.

I headed back to the milking area and found a deep shadow to stand in listening for anything that didn't belong.

I closed my eyes and saw the layout of the room putting each noise with what in the room could make the noise. I felt something brush by my feet and smiled letting the rodent go this time. It would have been so easy to kill it with one of the stars I had, but why? It wasn't the game I was hunting this night.

I heard the noise again and threw a star marking the target knowing it could only be someone who didn't belong and was up to something unhealthy for me if I didn't stop them.

I heard the cry as the star hit its target and heard another movement like someone running for the door. I released another star and again heard the cry of the star hitting its target.

I didn't know if there were anymore people in the room, but if there were, no one else moved and were breathing lightly enough I couldn't hear them.

I stepped out of the shadow and found the lights for the room flipping the switch. The lights came on and I saw the two people I hoped I only wounded laying in puddles of blood. I walked over to the closest and using my toe rolled them onto their back. I slowly walked over to the other doing the same. I knew both of them, and while I didn't trust them I thought they had more sense than to come to my home like this.

The door to the milking room opened and William walked in holding Chelsea by the arm.

"She tried throwing one of these at me," William said holding up one of my butterfly shaped stars.

William spotted both of the boys laying on the floor and looked over at me again.

"They were both moving when I threw or they would only be wounded," I said.

Chelsea saw both of them laying there and turned white.

"If you brought them here Chelsea you condemned them to death. You knew they were sending people out here to try killing me since I'm the only one that can identify all of them and is still considered to be sane, you've seen what those bastards did to my oldest sister and to Andrea. You knew all about it and still you brought a couple stupid kids who thought they were tough out here," I said.

"I didn't think you would kill them. I just wanted to get even with you for not accepting me the way you did Andrea," Chelsea said.

"By breaking into my training room and stealing my custom made stars. You're lucky you didn't cut your fingers off with those. Razors aren't as sharp as those stars are, and I still wasn't finished sharpening them," I said.

She tried to pull away from William with no luck.

"Let her go William I seriously doubt she'll try anything after this. So you fully understand Chelsea, you could be charged with murder for the death of both of those boys you brought here. You knew the people arrested over the last few days want to kill me, and you knew what kind of chances your friends would have against me," I said.

"I didn't think you would kill them," Chelsea said.

"If I could have seen better I probably wouldn't have, but all I could see were shadows and I knew the location of what cast the shadow by the sound. I've spent more than enough time here to know ever sound and what makes it," I said.

William let her go and she started running. I threw a star that hit the door frame just as she reached it and stopped turning toward me.

I looked at her as though challenging her to reach for the door and saw she knew the next star could as easily cut her down as stick in the door frame.

William looked at both boys and saw where the stars hit them and shook his head.

"Do you ever miss?" William asked.

I doubted he wanted an answer and I didn't have one for him even if he did. If he made the phone call he was supposed to make Michelle or someone from the FBI should be here almost any time. Chelsea kept looking at me wondering if she dared try for the door again, knowing if she didn't make it fast enough she could end up like her friends.

I pulled the stars I had left out of their various hiding places and started looking them over to see what condition they were in. I found a nick in one of them and set it aside.

"Hello Michelle," I said.

"I see you've been busy," Michelle said.

"It wasn't my choice," I said.

"No one said it was," Michelle said.

"Michelle, do you think you can see this young lady is checked in at the proper motel, the charges are breaking and entering, and assault with a deadly weapon," William said.

"The sheriff will be here shortly and can handle that. I do need to get a statement from each of you about what happened here," Michelle said.

William walked into the training room with Michelle while I sat in the milking room with Chelsea.

"He won't really charge me with assault will he?" Chelsea asked.

"You don't think he should? You did throw one of my stars at him," I said.

"But I didn't even come close to hitting him with it," Chelsea said.

"And my brother didn't even come close to hitting me when he took his first shot at me, but he's still dead. Your lucky it wasn't me you threw that star at or you might be just like Jimmy and Carl now," I said.

"You didn't have to kill them," Chelsea said.

"And you didn't have to bring them out here in your attempt for revenge. I didn't set the rules here and since you knew there were people out there trying to kill me you should have known deadly force was something you might face coming here like you did," I said.

William came out and said Michelle wanted to talk to me. And looked at Chelsea and told her there were two agents standing outside the door with orders to arrest her if she tried leaving.

I pulled the door closed when I stepped in my training room.

"It's good to see you Alex," Michelle said.

"I just wish it were under different circumstances," I replied.

"It does seem the circumstances lately aren't the best. I see you have the milking machines here working again," Michelle said.

"It wasn't like I had a lot of choice. Erica did a bit of damage to all but the bunkhouse over there before she left," I said.

"She can be a bitch at times. Are you planning on pressing charges against her?" Michelle asked.

"Why? Would it do any good? I have no doubt if I pushed I could make it so she has to pay for all the damage she did, but would it really change anything. All I care now is that she not come back out here. If she wants her horse I'll see it's delivered anywhere she wants, but I won't allow her to ride out here again after the damage she did," I said.

"Tell me what happened here tonight," Michelle said.

"To do that means starting with William taking me out to dinner. I didn't know where he was taking me and the last trouble happened just before I got ready. Dinner didn't go all that well and rather than going dancing like was planned we came back here. I didn't feel like going in the house so came out to the barn and saw someone had broken the lock for this room. When I came in the room I saw someone had broken the lock on my desk where I kept my designer stars and they were all missing. Since I knew this room was somewhat safe I asked William to wait here while I looked around. I heard a noise from the milking room that didn't belong and killed all the lights in the barn except in this room. I headed into the milking area and found a shadow to hide in and listened for noises that didn't belong."

"I didn't have to wait long and one of the intruders moved making enough noise for me to locate them and throw one of the stars I had on my person. I heard the star hit what sounded like soft tissue and heard another sound and saw a shadow running for the door so let another star fly again hearing it hit what sounded like soft tissue and the shadow drop to the floor. I continued listening but didn't hear anything else and came out of my hiding and turned on the lights. I walked over to the form laying closest to the door and toed it over with my boot to find it was only a boy who had no business here. When I got to the second form and again toed it over saw it was just another boy with no business out here."

"I didn't know when I threw those stars if I would hit a vital area only that both shadows belonged to someone who had no business where they were and with the recent attempts on my life wasn't willing to chance things anymore than I did. If I had known it was those boys I never would have used my stars in the manner I did. But I didn't dare take a chance since my custom stars were missing from where I kept them," I said.

"Thank you Alex, and I don't think there's any reason for you to fear charges, it does sound like breaking and entering and self defense," Michelle said. "I do need to ask what you want us to do about Chelsea?"

"I think she understands now just how foolish her actions were. Two of her friends are dead because of her actions. I think the breaking and entering charges should be sufficient, unless William wants to push for assault charges, since it was him she threw one of my stars at," I said.

We opened the door to find the sheriffs deputy arguing with William and threatening to place him in handcuffs if he didn't start cooperating. Michelle started laughing and said to wait without interfering.

We stood there watching and one of the deputies reached for his gun and I saw one of my custom stars go flying hitting the deputy in the hand going most of the way through making his hand unusable. The other deputy started trying to manhandle William and found himself on his knees with his right arm between his shoulders begging William not to break his arm.

William looked up and saw Michelle and I standing there and let the deputies arm go.

"You could have lent a hand," William said.

"And miss watching a master in action?" Michelle asked.

"I'm sorry Alex I should have told you," William said.

"Told me what William? That you like me know how to find balance thus are a master of your own fate? I've known since that little test you set up for me," I said.

"Of course. Only a master could spot another master without being told. You are one of a kind. I've run into others who were claimed to be masters and quite likely were though they didn't understand balance. Your the first I've ever seen who I couldn't have spotted without some show of your skill, and yet you knew me from the first," William said.

"You knew the moment I walked in the federal building I went beyond what most consider a master of martial arts. You knew every move I would make and that those men had no chance against me. What you didn't know was how I found my balance and was able to maintain it when there is so much ugly in my past," I said.

Michelle stood there trying to decide who between us would win if we ever faced each other in combat. What she failed to understand is because of who we are as true masters we would never face each other in combat.

William did realize I knew his balance because I had thus far always insisted in him staying out of the fight. Would he understand the reason for my doing that or would he think I doubted his ability?

"Michelle if you'll see these two are held for discipline and if the sheriff is behind their behavior see he is held as well, it would go a long way toward your getting that retirement you've requested," William said.

"Let me guess you intend to leave now too?" I asked William.

"I believe you still owe me a dance so I'll stay for that if it's alright," William said.

"It's more then alright William," I said wrapping my arms around his waist.

## Chapter 41

After Michelle and the others left William walked to the house with me. I unlocked the door and invited him in.

"Alex, I hope you don't mind, but with all the attempts lately on your life I've asked to be allowed to make sure you're safe," William said.

"And who is going to keep you safe William?" I asked.

"I think these people are afraid to try anything with me for fear of bringing down the full force of the federal government," William said.

I laughed and told him there was more to fear than what those animals could do. He knew how dangerous I could be and perhaps it was me he should fear.

He took my hand pulling me around in front of him locking me in his embrace.

"I think I've already fallen when it comes to you. I know since I've taken this case my balance has been put on edge more than once," William said.

"Because of me?" I asked.

"For more reasons than I care to think about," William said.

"Balance is a delicate edge that is easy to lose if you aren't vigilant," I said.

He smiled and I wrapped my arms around his neck. With Marc I felt happy, but not complete. With William I felt complete, but I wasn't sure about happy yet.

I said something about putting on some music and he just held me tighter swaying to a sound only he could hear.

I relaxed and closed my eyes, him holding me swaying gently. I always wanted to know what it was like to feel like the world held more than duty and at the moment all the pain of the past and the feeling of responsibility for so many faded and I was at peace. I didn't have to be strong I just needed to be.

The sun came through the window and I squinted trying to see wondering where I was and how I got there.

I rolled over and there he was laying next to me sound asleep. I felt better than I had in longer than I cared to remember. I slid out of the bed and pulled the cover up tucking it gently around him wondering when we had come to bed, because I didn't remember anything past him holding me in his arms swaying to music no one else could hear.

I went in the restroom and ran some water in the sink to wash my face in to try getting the sleep out of my eyes.

When I came back in the bedroom he had rolled over pulling the cover tighter around himself. I slipped on a robe and headed for the kitchen to see about fixing us some breakfast and found a big pitcher of milk in the fridge along with a dozen eggs and a pound of bacon.

I got out five eggs and the bacon and found some mashed potatoes from dinner a few days ago and added some of the milk to the potatoes. I heated the oven for the bacon and when it was hot slid the baking sheet with as much of the pound of bacon on it as it could hold setting a timer and stepping out the back door. I saw a couple horses headed toward the house and smiled hoping it was the kids coming home for some breakfast.

What would they say about William having shared my bed last night? Would they understand nothing happened since I had fallen asleep and didn't even remember going to bed?

Both horses went right past the barn and came up to the house with Lindsey and Angela getting off Happy and Andrea and Marc off the other horse.

"Your all four looking good this morning. Would you care to join me for some breakfast?" I asked.

"We were hoping to have breakfast ready for you when you got up this morning," Lindsey said.

"Well if you want to fix breakfast all I've got started is the bacon," I said.

Andrea and Lindsey ran in the house stopping only long enough to give me a small hug and kiss on their way by.

I took Angela and Marc in the house and back to my bedroom where William was still asleep.

I sat on the bed and lifted both of them onto the bed and got a look from Angela that said she didn't like that there was a strange man in my bed.

"If you want to find out who he is maybe you should go up there and tickle his ear," I said.

"But that would wake him up mommy," Angela said.

"Yes it probably would wake him if he weren't already awake," I said.

William rolled over onto his back and sat up with the covers still draped over his lower body.

"I'm guessing these are a couple of your kids?" William asked.

"Why are you in our mommies bed?" Angela asked.

"I guess because I feel asleep trying to comfort your mommy," William said.

"So you were trying to help mommy have good dreams?" Angela asked.

"I hope your mommy only ever has good dreams," William said.

"I guess it's ok then," Angela said.

William smiled at Angela earning him a smile in return. Marc went up to William and started playing with his hair. I rolled my eyes while William picked Marc up and asked if he liked long hair.

"Curls," Marc said.

William gave me a look that said he didn't understand.

"He's three years old William, he has never seen that long of hair on men," I said.

"So he thinks I'm a woman?" William asked.

"I don't know," I said.

William ran his fingers through Marc's hair and said curls eliciting a smile from Marc. William smiled back and gave Marc a gentle caress on his cheek.

I asked Angela if she could take Marc back in the other room and see if breakfast was ready yet and if not see if she could help finish getting it ready while William got up and dressed.

Once the kids were out the door I stood up and closed the door turning to William to ask about what he told Angela.

"You fell asleep in my arms last night while we were dancing. When I laid you on the bed you started shaking and murmuring about not wanting them to do that anymore. I tried to get you to calm down, but you seemed to only get worse until I slid in bed and wrapped my arms around you. Before I realized it I was asleep too," William said.

"William I haven't been able to sleep well for more years than I care to think about. Just closing my eyes brings back images of what I lived through, and most of them are anything but pleasant," I said.

"I gathered that. From what you were mumbling I think I have a very good idea of what you lived through though I don't think I can ever understand how you survived or why," William said.

"I was broken, my sisters weren't. Because I was broken I deserved what they did to me, but I knew they would have done those things to my sisters too if I didn't stay strong, and they weren't broken they deserved better," I said.

"My god Alex, you were only a child! You weren't broken those bastards were. You didn't deserve what they did to you, no one deserves something like that," William said.

"You don't understand William, I survived because I was broken and my sisters weren't. The worst those monsters could do to me was break me into smaller pieces, but my sisters weren't broken, not until David dragged my oldest sister into it. The day she was dragged into it almost killed me, but I still had two more sisters who weren't broken and maybe if I stayed strong I could keep them from being broken like I was, like Jesse was," I said.

"You told yourself you were broken?" William asked.

"They told me more than once. They taught that anyone like me was broken and unworthy of salvation. From as early as I can remember they told me I was broken and could never be the one thing I knew I was. It isn't just that religion that teaches that, it is virtually every religion out there that teaches people like me are broken because we just want to be ourselves, we just want to be accepted for who we know we are," I said.

He didn't understand, but if he had been raised without religion how could he understand?

I let him get dressed wondering if he understood the problems that could arise from him having spent the night with me. How could he act as prosecutor in this case and have a relationship with me?

We headed for the kitchen together and walked in just as Andrea was setting the last of the food on the table.

I looked at what they had and smiled. There was some burned parts and some that looked like it was still raw, but they did their best and we would need to work on their cooking skills another time.

"William I'd like you to meet the two of my children you haven't met yet. Andrea is the oldest followed by Lindsey then Angela and finally Marc," I said.

William nodded to each in turn, in what appeared to be him making a mental note of each of them and their names.

"Mom since we didn't get our lessons last night can we get them this morning?" Lindsey asked.

"I think we can manage that if you can get these dishes cleaned up when we're done," I said.

William gave me a dirty look not understanding what the request was.

The girls started getting the dishes picked up and William said he'd take care of getting them washed, since he figured whatever the lessons the girls were taking, were more important than a few dishes.

"I'm sorry William, but it's just as important they learn to take care of the dishes as it is they learn to fight," I said.

"Your teaching them martial arts?" William asked.

"Should they be as defenseless as I was? I can help them be strong, so shouldn't I do so, or should I let them be victims as I was?" I asked.

William still wanted to help with the dishes, so he washed and the girls dried and put them away. I took Angela and Marc out to the training room in the barn and started showing them the moves Andrea and Lindsey had been working on and just about mastered already.

I sat at my desk while Angela and Marc did the moves smiling as they worked to make sure they did each move as perfect as they could.

After a couple minutes of watching them I stood up with them and started doing the moves helping them learn to do the moves even better.

We were on about the sixth time through the moves by the time William and the girls came out to join us.

Andrea and Lindsey started in on the moves as soon as they were in the room and William walked over to the desk and took a seat watching as my kids and I moved.

Fifteen minutes into the routine I made a few changes adding a couple moves that they would each have to struggle to do. I kept a watch on them and with each change saw them struggle but do the best they could. The second time through with the new moves they did better and I threw another wrinkle at them by changing the order of the moves. Again they struggled this time showing signs of exhaustion.

"That really wasn't fair to them was it?" William asked.

"Who ever said life is fair?" I asked.

"They're just learning though," William said.

"Yes they are. They are learning that life is unpredictable and you never know what it will throw at you so you need to be ready at all times or you'll lose when victory is so very close," I said.

Each of the kids looked from William to me and sat down.

"What I did here wasn't easy was it?" I asked the kids.

"You want us to be ready and not stuck in a routine that someone can figure out," Andrea said.

"If your next move it predictable someone can find a way around your defenses. If they can't find a routine in your manner they never know what to expect and thus get frustrated and start making mistakes. Always remember to stay in balance and never let circumstances eat at you. You are the center of your world and to remain the center you need to maintain balance," I said

"So we need to learn all the moves and not get in a habit of they need to come in any certain order?" Lindsey asked.

"Yes, exactly. I want you to work on finding your balance like I told you and when you feel you can do the moves again while centering in the present and feeling the past," I said.

William gave me a questioning look about my comment.

"You don't agree William?" I asked.

"I'm not sure I understand," William said.

"Alright William how do you find your balance? Explain however is easiest for you," I said.

"I take my happiest memories and let them become my center," William said.

"When you are balanced are you in the past with those memories, or are you in the present with those memories?" I asked.

"If you live in the past you aren't in balance, so I'm in the present," William said.

"But how did you get in the present since the memory is in the past?" I asked.

The light of understanding came on as he realized what it was I was saying.

Andrea was the first to stand and try the moves she learned almost tripping over her own feet in the process. William was there to catch her earning him a dirty look followed by a smile.

She continued her moves to the end and sat back down realizing she still didn't have the balance of body and mind, but wanting to show she was getting there. Lindsey started to stand and sat again almost immediately when she lost her balance trying to get up. Angela was dancing around the room oblivious to anything anyone else was doing with Marc dancing with her.

"I want you to continue practicing finding your balance. When you can do the moves we've already done and hold your balance of body and mind you'll find learning will be much easier," I said.

"Mom, is this how you learned?" Lindsey asked.

"The way I've been teaching you the moves is how I learned them, but I had a lot of trouble finding my balance because of how few good memories I had. I don't remember much of my life before I was eight and after I turned eight there are few memories of anything good I remember," I said.

"Because of the abuse you suffered?" Andrea asked.

"Because I was there when Jesse was almost destroyed, because I knew nothing I could do would be able to save her from the abuse. The memories that helped me find my balance were the memories that I was able to save Kathy and Niki from the abuse Jesse suffered," I said.

Andrea looked down as she finally understood how I managed to survive what my sister hadn't been able to without turning inward to memories she eventually got lost in.

I sent the kids back over to the other house telling them I would be over to help set up a training room over there so they wouldn't need to come back here until those who seemed to want me dead were locked away from the possibility of being able to see it happen.

I told Andrea I wanted to talk to her in private and she gave me a blank stare, but followed me in the house.

"Chelsea is in jail and Carl and Jimmy are both dead," I said when the door was closed.

She gave me a look like she was going to cry but didn't turn away. The moment I thought tears were coming she straightened up and pulled her shoulders back.

"I just thought you should know since I knew you knew all of them," I said.

"I tried to be their friend because I wanted to be liked, but I never really fit in with them," Andrea said.

"Will you tell me what happened here that night?" I asked.

"They said if I ever told anyone they would kill me," Andrea said.

"And now two of them are dead," I said.

"They raped me. They said if I didn't do what they wanted they'd sneak up and kill Lindsey and Angela. Mom I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid," Andrea said.

"Did they all participate?" I asked.

Andrea shook her head and I asked if Charles was the leader.

"He hated you, but was afraid. He said he would hurt you somehow and if you were willing to go to his parents house his dad would kill you because his dad wasn't scared of anyone and he knew martial arts really well," Andrea said.

"Thank you Andrea. I don't want you worrying about someone being able to carry out threats like that, because they are usually just that, threats. I have a feeling Charles is going to find life very hard for a while, and by the time he could do anything you should be able to stand up for yourself, and should know I'll always be there if you ever need me," I said.

Andrea threw her arms around me tears running down her cheeks.

"Andrea I don't want you to ever be afraid to tell me anything. I'll do everything I can to make sure you're safe," I said.

William wanted to know what I planned for the day and I gave him a disgusted look.

"William what difference does it make what I have planned?" I asked.

"I was just wondering if maybe there might be a chance of trouble," William said.

"There's always a chance of trouble, but I was thinking of going shopping unless you think that might be to dangerous, then I might just curl up under a blanket and hide," I said.

"You don't have to get nasty," William said.

"Don't you have anything better to do than hover over me today?" I asked.

"I guess I could start getting everything ready for the new prosecutor that will be here in the morning," William said.

"Why is there a new prosecutor coming in tomorrow?" I asked.

"Because I told them I was becoming to emotionally involved," William said.

"Does that mean the court dates have been pushed back? What about my father and uncle? Will they be arrested again now? Answer me William, what do you mean you've become to emotionally involved?" I asked.

"When I was chosen for this job the only people I knew were those working for the Justice Department and even them I didn't really know all that well. I knew none of the defendants or the witnesses for the prosecution. When I came here it was all just facts on paper that meant the law had been violated. I never had a clue the woman I loved from stories I heard from my uncle while going through law school was going to be involved, and now after having met her I find she really is as special as I heard she is, but even more I can't seem to think of much of anything but her, and I never want to hear it said I didn't do my job because I became personally involved. I want to know everything, yet I don't want to know any of it, because I know how much testifying is going to hurt you. I know the kinds of question that will be asked. I know the defense attorneys will do everything they can to make you out to be the bad guy. They'll do everything they can to discredit your testimony in whatever way they can, and it terrifies me," William said.

"If I'm this super attorney from the stories your uncle told you about, do you really think I couldn't give my testimony in such a way the defense won't be able to call it into question? Do you really think I might do or say something that can call any testimony I give into question? Look at what you know since getting here William. The people I've killed came here to cause harm to me and my family. I didn't go looking for them they came looking for me. Everything that has taken place so far has been their choices not mine. When I left the firm I worked for after graduating college I agreed to not practice the kind of law I did while working for them for a period of five years. Because I didn't need the money I chose to get out of law practice completely for that five years and opened the Pride Center devoting my time exclusively to the TLGBIQ community. Two years ago they chose to do something that would get me out of the way for the rest of my life and the Justice Department let them get away with it, until they finally realized to me being dead was better than allowing those monsters to hurt my sisters. It was your ever so precious Justice Department who is responsible for the first set of scars on my arms. I've been abused most of my life now, by two different groups. And you really believe I would do anything that might let one of those groups go free?"

William blanched at my words as each of them drove home how foolish it was to think my testimony might be called into question by lawyers who were likely less than half my equal in a courtroom.

I reached out taking William's hand in an attempt to let him know I wasn't angry.

"William, I'm glad you understand the position you've placed yourself in. I would like to know what you intend to do now?" I asked.

"I don't know. I never gave it much thought," William said.

"It you don't mind your name not being on the door right away I know a law firm that would be lucky to have someone like you," I said.

"You mean yours?" William asked.

"I need someone who can fill in for me when I have to testify in the case you were on. Allen and Brent have their own cases and... I think you get the picture," I said.

"I guess since I'll be unemployed once the new prosecutor gets here and I get them filled in on everything, I might be persuaded to accept the offer, especially since it would keep me close to the person I care so much about," William said.

"And what would your uncle think about it? William I don't mean to sound hurtful, but I don't think your family cares much for me as a person," I said.

"You'd be wrong. Alex, they didn't know what you've been through, and my uncle didn't know your situation when you were in school. He thought you were on a full scholarship," William said.

"The people who pulled the string for all the abuse made sure I would never get a scholarship to any school. I was almost refused admittance even though I would be paying my own way because it seemed someone who had access to school documents changed my records to look like I never even graduated high school. I had to prove I could pass the GED before they would accept me and even then I didn't get the resident rates even though I've lived in this state my whole life," I said.

William looked flabbergasted at the thought something run by the government could have been so corrupted.

I had virtually no friends in high school, and once going to college did find not everyone would treat me as though I was less than, though there were still a few. I didn't make friends easily because so many of them wanted to know about my past, something I didn't dare talk about.

William did want to take me shopping so I relented until he tried taking me to the mall. When I said there was noway I was going in the mall he got frustrated.

"Is there any store you will go to?" William asked.

I told him the store I didn't mind shopping at and he gave a look of total defeat.

"I can't afford that store," William said.

"You asked, so I told you. William if you want to go shopping at the mall I'll call a cab and you can go shopping. If what you're shopping for is for me than we need to go somewhere else, if it's for you and you like the kind of quality they have at the mall enjoy yourself and I'll take a cab back home," I said.

"I was hoping we could look at rings, I have an account with one of the stores here in the mall," William said.

"I have an account at the store I suggested, and if it's that important to you, and you see something you like, you can always pay me back for it," I said.

He wasn't about to go shopping alone and didn't like that I refused to go in the mall. After sitting there a little while he finally headed over to the store I said parking midway in the parking lot.

"I hope you don't mind if we walk a little," William said.

"As long as it isn't in the mall I don't mind. William I don't like the mall because it's always so crowded. Here the aisles are wide and there are a lot fewer people to contend with," I said.

"So it isn't so much you hate shopping as you just don't like crowds?" William asked.

"I can't hear myself think in the mall. There always seems to be someone in a hurry to get the latest and greatest of whatever the current fashion craze is. Here it's a lot more relaxed and there's better customer service. The people working here know their jobs and seem to really care. I've also found the prices here really aren't that much higher, but the quality is far superior," I said.

"Ms DeMay it is such a pleasure to see you again so soon since the last time you were here," we were greeted almost instantly by the store manager.

I smiled thanking them for the warm welcome I always got when I came here. William looked from me to the store manager and just smiled.

"They greet you like that every time you come here?" William asked when we were far enough away the store manager couldn't hear us.

"I don't generally shop here often, but between Andrea, my sisters and Michelle, I've been here almost every week for the last month," I said.

We walked back to the jewelery department and William started looking at wedding rings. I went over to the necklaces and started looking at something that might finally portray the idea I wasn't interested in getting married any time soon. They had a beautiful pentagram pendent that came with a small booklet telling what the pentagram symbolized so I read it and wondered just how real magic might be.

I needed to go to the restroom so asked the clerk to help William with whatever he found and put it on my bill, as long as it wasn't a wedding set.

In the restroom I did as I always did and looked in all the available stalls hoping one would be cleaner than the rest.

"I just cleaned them all if your wondering," someone said as I checked the last stall.

"It's a habit I got into from before I started shopping here," I said.

I stepped in the stall and pulled down my panties and looked down at the loss of what should have been there. I forgot I had put on the prosthetic that didn't have any visible straps.

I washed my hands and started back out to the jewelery department and before I made it through the door turned around and headed back to the stall I had vacated.

"Are you alright?" the restroom attendant asked.

"I don't know, as soon as I got to the door I started having really bad cramps," I said.

"You just relax dear I'll see about getting something that will help with the cramps. They are in the belly aren't they?" the attendant asked.

"Yes they are. I don't understand I've never cramped like this before," I said.

I heard the attendant say something about me being a little old for this to have been my first time with minstrel cramps, but something might have happened so this time is worse than ever before.

First time with minstrel cramps? I couldn't have minstrel cramps because I'm broken. Only genetic women could have minstrel cramps, and as much as I have always wished I could have been a genetic woman that was another one of the realities of my world that could never be.

As long as I sat there the cramps didn't seem as bad, but they were still there. I stood up and started for the door and realized if I didn't hurry I was going to make a mess all over the floor of the restroom. I made it back to the stall just in time and sat there as the cramps eased with the flow into the toilet.

I wiped as I always had and when I stood again the cramps were considerably less, but still present. I turned to flush the toilet and almost passed out at the sight of all the blood in the bowl. Why was there blood in the bowl? I couldn't have a monthly cycle, at least not one manifest in this fashion. Only genetic women had the moon cycle like this. I saw a dispenser for feminine napkins and tampons and chose a tampon since it seemed less conspicuous than the maxi pads and I thought it might be easier to walk around with rather than having one of those big pads stuck between my legs.

I went back in the stall and read the instructions for inserting the tampon and once it was in with the little string hanging the way the instructs said pulled my panties back up and adjusted my skirt walking out of the stall to find the attendant standing there with a bottle of aspirin.

I accepted a couple aspirin and quickly washed them down before walking out of the restroom.

"I hope you feel better soon, this was all I could find that might help," the attendant said.

"I do appreciate the help," I said.

I walked back out to the jewelery department and found William now looking at friendship rings. I looked over at the sales clerk hoping he would give me an indication of whether, or not William had tried purchasing a wedding set, and saw him smile.

So William wasn't going to give up so easily, and I wasn't sure what was going on. I liked William, I liked him enough to offer him a job in my law firm, but did I love him? Was I even capable of loving someone? That I needed to know before I could consider the kind of relationship William seemed to want.

## Chapter 42

I called the doctors office as soon as we got back to the house, leaving a message that I would be coming in first thing in the morning and it was very important I see the doctor as soon as possible.

Since all my sisters were now staying together they rode over to the house together. Jesse staying with the kids in case they needed anything.

Kathy said she wanted to ride in with me so Jennifer would have the car, and she hated the way either Niki or Nancy drove.

"Something is bothering you, would you like to talk about it?" Kathy asked.

"Do you believe in magic?" I asked.

"I know there are a lot of people who do, but I'm not one of them," Kathy said.

"What if I told you I think I'm having a period?" I asked.

"What should I think? From everything I've ever seen something like that isn't possible," Kathy said.

"I know it isn't supposed to be possible, but yesterday William took me shopping and I needed to use the restroom so left him looking at what he wanted to look at. On my way back out of the restroom I almost doubled over with cramps. I went back in the restroom and found a toilet that was clean and sat down again. I felt like I was peeing again and after it stopped felt much better though the cramps were still there. Kathy when I wiped and stood up the toilet was full of blood," I said.

"Have you been to the doctors yet?" Kathy asked.

"I'm headed there as soon as I make sure everything in the office is taken care of," I said.

"No you aren't Alex, your headed there now and I won't put up with any nonsense from you about this," Kathy said.

She gave me a dirty look when I pulled in the parking lot for the Pride Center.

"I swear Alex, if you get out of this car before going to the doctors..." Kathy said.

I opened the door and got out walking up to the building and unlocking the door. I didn't wait for her to follow. If she thought she could tell me what to do, and get me to listen, she would have been willing to have told me about what our brother had done after I left to go to college.

I headed for my office unlocking the door and walking in to find my desk in a mess.

I walked around the desk setting my purse and briefcase on the floor and started looking at the papers scattered across my desk.

Niki stuck her head in my door and seeing the mess forgot what she was going to say and asked if everything was alright.

"Niki I want you to see if any of the other offices have been disturbed, and after doing that call the police and ask for Sargent Dave Emory. Let him know someone broke in here over the weekend," I said.

"I take it you know this Dave Emory?" Niki asked.

"He was Ellen's brother, and one of the few people in the police department I trust," I said.

I tried booting my computer to find it wouldn't turn on, and hoped Nancy had her boyfriend with her.

I stuck my head out and saw both Nancy and her boyfriend and asked if they could come in my office.

"It looks like you've had a tornado come through here," Nancy said.

"I need to know if you can take a look at this computer and see about getting it up and running. I have somewhere I need to go and hope you can either have this computer running or another one sitting in its place with everything off the hard drive of this one on it," I said.

Nancy's boyfriend came over to my computer and started looking it over nodding and said he would see about getting it taken care of.

I walked out my door and Kathy was standing there waiting for me.

"Are we going to the doctors now?" Kathy asked.

"Let me find out if anyone else's office was trashed then I'll be ready," I said.

Kathy looked through the door to my office and headed for her own office to see if it looked as bad as mine.

I found Niki and saw the few offices along the way seemed to be untouched.

"I'm on hold for Sargent Dave Emory," Niki said.

"How many other offices?" I asked.

"From what I've been able to see, just yours," Niki said.

"It might not be a bad idea to keep everyone out of my office then until Dave can get here to gather whatever information he can," I said.

I headed back to my office and stopped Nancy and her boyfriend from entering.

"Is there any chance of getting one of the other computers here set up with what was on mine?" I asked.

"I think so, but it might not be a bad idea to change the operating system on your network. There is an operating system that can read all the files you have but is a lot more secure and converting all these files to a more secure format is simply a matter of opening them and saving them in the default setting for the program they will open in," Jeremy said.

I didn't care about the details only that whatever he did would work and not take a lot of change to figure out. I didn't know a lot about computers, but I did know I liked what we had most of the time. If what he wanted was just as easy or easier, then I wanted the better system.

I headed for Kathy's office as she came out shaking her head.

"So did they trash your office, or just mine?" I asked.

"It looks like just yours," Kathy said.

"Probably hoping whatever evidence was strictly in my office or on my computer. The thing is all the evidence has been handed over to the Department of Justice, but back up copies are on off site computers that even I don't know where they are," I said.

"Who would know?" Kathy asked.

"I don't know that either. Allen and Brent have both helped in setting up the firm and they might know, but I'm not sure they do," I said.

"Are you ready to go to the doctors now?" Kathy asked.

"Your going to insist on going with, aren't you?" I asked.

"Of course I am. If my big sister is really my big sister I want to be the first to know," Kathy said.

I didn't worry about the office everyone there knew what they were supposed to be doing and seemed competent in getting it done, and Niki knew enough to keep them all busy if they completed what they were doing.

"May I help you?" the receptionist asked when Kathy and I walked in the doctors office.

"I need to see Dr Jackson," I said.

"I'm sorry ma'am, but Dr Jackson called in sick this morning, if you have time perhaps one of our other doctors will be able to fit you in," the receptionist said.

"How much time?" I asked.

A doctor walked out looking for their first appointment who didn't seem to be there. I smiled since I had seen this doctor before, and smiled again when they saw me standing there hoping to get in to see my doctor, and recognized me.

"Ms DeMay it's a pleasure to see you, though I hoped it would be outside of the office we met again," Dr Chavez said.

"The pleasure is all mine if there is any chance of you seeing me since Dr Jackson isn't here today," I said.

"I don't see why I can't since it seems the person this time was booked for isn't here yet and will just have to wait in line since they can't seem to be on time," Dr Chavez said.

He escorted me back to an examining room with Kathy following.

"I'm sorry Miss but we don't allow anyone but spouses or parents to accompany patients in the examining rooms," Dr Chavez said.

Kathy gave him a dirty look, and didn't move.

"Doc she's very worried since she found out what this visit is all about this morning, and we have been very close all our lives," I said.

Dr Chavez looked at both of us a little closer and smiled.

"Your twins, aren't you?" Dr Chavez asked.

"Yes we are, and as the older twin I have always watched out for her, and now she wants to watch out for me," I said.

"If I didn't know a little of your history Ms DeMay I would swear you are identical twins," Dr Chavez said. "If you don't mind her being here I don't see a problem unless she gets in the way."

Kathy smiled and looked at me as though daring me to refuse. When I didn't say anything the doctor asked me to sit on the exam table and started asking questions.

I relayed everything I could remember about what happened the previous few days leaving out the attacks since I didn't see them as having any relevance to what was going on with me medically.

"Are you still wearing that prosthetic?" Dr Chavez asked.

"I haven't taken it off since putting it on, on Saturday," I said.

Dr Chavez set a hospital gown on the table and said he would appreciate it if I would take off all my clothes and put it on. He looked over at Kathy and when she didn't move walked out the door letting it close behind him.

"You might as well wait in the other room Kathy, because until you leave I'm not getting undressed," I said.

"You haven't got anything I haven't seen since we were little," Kathy said.

"We aren't little anymore, and the last time you saw me naked was before I left for college," I said.

She stood up and walked out the door.

"I expect you to tell me everything he says since you aren't going to let me stay here to find out," Kathy said letting the door close behind her.

I hated hospital gowns because they never quite covered, but I knew the robe also made it easier to do an exam.

I sat back on the exam table and waited for what seemed hours before the doctor came back in.

"Sorry it took me so long to get back. Would you mind laying back on the table so I can do a quick exam? Did you take off the prosthetic?" Dr Chavez asked.

"I tried but I couldn't figure out how to get it off. It seems to have adhered itself somehow," I said and laid back on the table.

He pulled out some extensions he called stirrups and said he needed me to put my feet in them helping me so I'd get it right.

He sat at the end of the table and gasped before he touched me and asked if I was trying to pull a fast one on him.

"I don't understand doctor, why would I do that?" I asked.

"You tell me Ms DeMay. I'm not going to call you a liar but if what I'm seeing here is real you are a genetic woman not a transgender woman," the doctor said.

"I could only wish I were a genetic woman," I said.

"I'm going to do the exam I would for any woman coming to me the first time, and I may want to get some ex-rays depending on what I find," Dr Chavez said.

He warned me that the exam would likely be uncomfortable at least through parts of it. When he was done he said he did want ex-rays and also an ultra-sound, to determine just what was going on.

He guided me down to the ex-ray room and let the technician know what ex-rays he wanted and said he would be back shortly to let me know what he found.

The technician took me back to the exam room after taking the ex-rays and a short time later someone else wheeled in a cart I assumed held the ultra-sound equipment so he could do the ultra-sound he wanted.

"I just looked at the ex-rays, but would like to confirm what they show with the ultra-sound. Ms DeMay I would like to consult with some of my colleagues before making a conclusion about what this all means," Dr Chavez said.

He made sure the equipment was working and started doing an ultra-sound of my abdomen to confirm whatever it was the ex-rays showed he didn't want to tell me about yet.

I saw he was making a video of the ultra-sound and also noticed him go over and over certain areas of my abdomen several times. I watched the screen and knew what it was showing, but didn't say anything since what it showed only confirmed that I had to be living in a dream not reality.

"Thank you Ms DeMay, feel free to get dressed and I'll be back to talk about what I can, but I'm not sure there is much I can tell you until I have had a chance of going over the ex-rays and the ultra-sound footage a little more thoroughly and had a chance to talk to people who know more about this kind of thing than I do," Dr Chavez said.

I got dressed and was back in the waiting room with Kathy wondering what the big mystery could be, and knowing the answer at the same time. I was an anomaly. I was what medical science said couldn't be. I was everything I learned myself to be as a child. Broken, strange, different, anything but normal. I was a mistake of nature, the one in ten million that couldn't exist but did.

"Alex, do you know why he wanted you to wait?" Kathy asked.

"I have a good idea why, but he didn't really say anything, just said I could get dressed and come out here, but he wanted to talk to me before we left," I said.

"Care to elaborate a little?" Kathy asked.

"He took a lot of ex-rays of my lower abdomen and then did ultra-sounds of the same area. He said he needed to talk to some of his colleagues before he could tell me much of anything," I said.

"He thinks your genetic?" Kathy asked.

"I don't know what he thinks, and I really don't care. He knows I'm transgender, he's the doctor I've seen when Rachel was out for some reason," I said.

I still wasn't happy since getting out of prison, that Rachel demanded I get into therapy before she would renew a prescription I had been taking for all my adult life. She knew I was female and had always been female, though I had never had a female body. She was the one who told me I was different from all the trans-women she had seen before me. That for some reason my testicles never dropped and I really didn't need an androgen to control the testosterone in my system because the place it was manufactured didn't seem to work.

Dr Chavez came out and said it would take a few days before he knew anything conclusive, but he was sure there wasn't anything to worry about.

Kathy looked furious and I smiled and thanked him letting him know when he knew more he could reach me easiest on my cell phone, but if he insisted on calling either the house or my office to please leave a message if I wasn't available.

The doctor wanted to schedule another appointment and I told him any appointment would be subject to dates and times I would need to be in court.

On the way out to the car Kathy gave me a very disgusted look and said she wanted to know everything.

"Kathy right now you know as much as I do. They ran some tests and took some pictures of my insides, but since I'm not a doctor and wouldn't know what I was looking at, even if they tried explaining it to me, which they didn't, until they say something there is no point in worrying about any of it," I said.

"You know you can be very aggravating at times with your saying things that mean nothing," Kathy said.

"I know nothing more than you do right now. Until I hear back from the doctor I won't really know anything other than it seems I'm now fully female in body," I said.

"That's impossible," Kathy said.

"Tell me something I don't already know," I said.

I headed back to the office and walked in with Kathy still giving me dirty looks, like I was hiding something from her. I headed for my office closing the door behind me and locking it. I didn't need the accusations Kathy seemed to want to give me. She seemed to forget it wasn't me who lied about something. She knew I was abused at those meetings I had been dragged to for ten years, and she knew I accepted that abuse so she wouldn't have to. No I never told her the full extent of the abuse, and I wasn't sure I could ever tell anyone the full extent, but I never lied to her, and she had lied to me.

I fell heavily in my chair and started crying. My office was a shambles and so were my nerves. I needed to get away somewhere no one knew me, somewhere I didn't need to worry about anything but getting better and finding my balance.

The tears stopped and I looked at my desk and cussed. As much as I hated this desk at first, it was growing on me and now a lot of it was beyond being able to be fixed. The phone on the desk was junk the handset broken in several places. Everyone of the drawers that could be locked were broken and the contents dumped out all over the office. The small file cabinet was mangled with its contents scattered all over the office as well.

Someone knocked on the door and it started moving which meant the latch for the door was broken as well.

I stood up and walked over to the door to find Niki and Nancy standing there.

"Get someone in here to fix this door and see about getting me a new desk and phone," I said.

Neither of them said anything as I walked out of the building getting in my car and taking off.

I didn't know where I was going only that I needed to go. I turned toward the federal building and rather than pulling in the parking lot drove by and pulled in the parking lot for the courthouse.

I parked in the first parking place I found and walked in the building and saw security measures I didn't remember seeing in the past.

How long had it been since I had actually been in the courthouse proper? It hadn't been when I was put through the circus trial that landed me in prison. That whole thing was done behind closed doors not in one of these courtrooms.

I headed up the stairs to the courtrooms and remembered I had several of my stars on me and knew they would set off the detectors if I tried passing through.

I stopped just short and put the stars in my purse and set my purse on the conveyor watching it go through and stepped through the detector.

Once on the other side I waited for my purse to have the guard tell me I needed to empty my purse.

I asked if I would get everything back if I did and they said I should.

"I have some martial arts stars in my purse and as long as I'll get them back I have no problem surrendering them, but if you try confiscating them I hate to think how many of you will end up in the hospital," I said.

"If I were you boys I would listen to her, because she could do what she said," William said.

"Is she with you sir?" one of the guards asked.

"It doesn't matter if she is or not. She is offering to allow you to hold her martial arts stars and only asked you give them back when she comes out. If you won't give them back she has every right to do whatever it takes to get them back since she does have legal right to them," William said.

The guard looked from William to me and agreed to make sure I did get them back.

I took out all the ones in my purse and handed them to the guard and asked him to be very careful with them because they were extremely sharp. He gave me a dirty look and went to toss them in a drawer and I gave him a look that said if he tossed them he likely wouldn't live long, so he set them in the drawer putting a piece of paper with them after asking my name.

"I'm Alexandra DeMay, and like William said I do have authorization to carry those," I said.

He wrote my name on the paper and set it on the stars locking the drawer before I turned and walked away with William.

"I heard you had some problems at your office," William said.

"Nothing that can't be fixed. I'm just glad I turned all those files over to you last Friday," I said.

"About that, it seems they've come up missing," William said.

"No big deal since I do have a copy of them in my briefcase," I said.

"I'm sure Heather will appreciate that," William said.

"I take it she's taking over the prosecution?" I asked.

"She wants to meet you?" William said.

"Is she here, or over in the federal building?" I asked.

"She's here working on getting a court date set up," William said.

"So she isn't filing for a change of venue?" I asked.

"You seem concerned about that," William said.

"Shouldn't I be? William those people had virtually unlimited power in this area. Trying to find an impartial jury around here will prove impossible since most people around here either love them or hate them," I said.

"And where do you fall in that list? Alex I know they're the ones who abused you so badly as a child, but are your concerns that there isn't a jury around here that would convict them, or that a jury from here would convict them without due process?" William asked.

"My concerns are that for the justice system to work properly the members of the jury shouldn't know anything about what those men are in either a good or bad light. Right now I'm afraid it wouldn't matter where the court convened trying to find an impartial jury will be difficult since the news media has likely spread the story about the arrests across the country. Then of course there's the problem of transporting the people who have been arrested to a new venue for trial since I have no doubt their supporters would likely try breaking them free with the same diligence they have shown about coming after me to try stopping me from testifying against them," I said.

"Just what we need a higher death toll," Heather said coming up behind William and I.

"I didn't ask for any of this Heather, all I ever wanted was to be allowed to be myself and know my family was safe," I said.

"I'm not blaming you Alex. I know the people you've killed recently all came onto your property for the intent of causing you and those you love harm," Heather said.

"So when is the preliminary?" I asked.

"The venue has been changed much to the opposition of the defense attorneys. The points you made are the same ones I made to the courts. Rather than trying this in the state courts it is going straight to the federal courts and the venue is being moved out of state. The national guard is being charged with transportation of the prisoners, and being told anyone trying to keep the prisoners from being moved or trying to break them free is to be arrested if at all possible and shot if they resist arrest," Heather said.

"When will the trial begin?" I asked.

"It's scheduled to begin in one week. Alex you aren't the only witness, but you are the only one with enough mental ability who can name all of them. I've been ordered to give you whatever protection possible to insure your able to testify," Heather said.

"So now the government wants to insure my safety? If you want to make sure I can and will be there to testify give your protection to my family. I can protect myself," I said.

"Alex it isn't your family other than Jessica and you the government cares about. I know that isn't something you want to hear, but I'm afraid that is how it is," Heather said.

"I know that's how it is, and thus the reason I said what I did. What you don't seem to understand is that Jesse and I weren't the only ones to have been abused by those people, and if anything happens to any of my family still living because I'm the only one willing to put my life on the line, you just might find out I'm not as stable as it appears. You have no idea the fight I go through daily just to live, or the fight I go through daily to not seek revenge on those people. I have no doubt I could kill everyone of them and not regret having killed them for what they did to me and my family," I said.

Heather looked at me as though she couldn't understand the depth of hate I held for these people, but chances were she didn't know the depth of abuse I lived through to protect my younger sisters and how hard it was for me to continue being able to give that protection once my oldest sister was dragged into the abuse.

I handed Heather the copy of the files William said came up missing and walked out of the courthouse not looking back.

"Alex, please, I want to talk to you," William said.

"What do we have to talk about William? Is it you want me to tell you everything those monsters did to me? Everything I saw them do to others? What?" I asked.

"One day if your ever able, I would be willing to listen to you. I want to talk about those things, but I know now isn't the day, and I'm not sure you'll ever be able to tell that story, but it doesn't matter right now, what does matter to me is you. You don't have to fight alone any longer. I'm willing to be there to fight with you from now on," William said.

"Are you William? Do you have any idea what keeping those words means? I wish I could believe, but every time I've tried, I've failed. I let my guard down, and everything I cherish falls apart, or gets hurt. I want to be able to trust William, but I can't," I said.

## Chapter 43

I headed for the house hoping to find a reason that might make sense for everything I suffered at the hands of those people. The government was willing to protect me and possibly Jesse, but the rest of my family was on their own.

I headed for the training room in the barn and stopped when I saw the tack for Rose.

Every piece of tack had a rose on it, the saddle blanket had roses woven into it. The saddle had rose patterns all over it. Even the bridle had roses stamped in it. I walked over to the corral and Rose came over to me as she always seemed to do.

"Does it show that bad Rose? Is it that easy to tell how much I hurt?" I asked not really expecting an answer.

I walked into the tack room and gathered all the tack for Rose and met her just outside when I had everything ready. I slipped on her halter and threw the blanket on her back followed by the saddle. I clipped the halter reigns on the halter and climbed on. Rose took off at a full gallop and I just let her go. I didn't have any idea where she was headed, and it didn't really matter, I just needed the wind across my face to wipe away the tears.

Rose ran in a direction of her own choosing and I just sat there tears running down my cheeks trying to find a good reason to live, to not take retribution for all the pain those people had caused. Trying to figure out if anyone would really miss those people who destroyed so many lives.

Rose slowed as the house the children were in came into view.

"Is that what this is about Rose? I need to be here for those kids? Didn't I deserve better too?" I asked knowing I wouldn't get an answer.

I saw Lindsey and Andrea with the two little kids on a swing set helping them learn to make the swing work so they wouldn't need to push. I brought Rose to a stop before we were close enough the kids would hear her and sat there just watching.

Memories started playing through my mind of Jesse and David pushing Kathy and I in the swing just as Lindsey and Andrea were doing for Angela and Marc now.

The laughs as mom and dad sat in lounge chairs watching. The tears started again, but not the tears of loss this time. These tears were of a time when life was good. When the different members of the family truly did love and care for each other.

I was allowed to be me and mom and dad both called me Karen a name I really did like because it meant I was able to be me.

Marc started wiggling out of the swing he was in and Andrea caught him making sure he didn't get hurt, and the swinging was over. Marc had enough and wanted to do something else.

I sat there lost in the memory of when I was about the same age as Angela able to just be myself. David was a wonderful big brother and liked that he was the only boy and accepted the responsibility of watching out for his sisters.

Then it all changed. David and I had been sharing a room since I was three since I was still technically a boy though at home was allowed to live as a girl.

David started making fun of me saying god hated me because I couldn't be what he made me to be. When mom and dad heard him the first time they asked him where he heard that kind of thing, and he said his boys leader taught that god doesn't make mistakes and because I said I was a girl I was calling god a liar. Mom and dad said they didn't want to hear David talk like that to me again and he could either accept me for who I chose to be or maybe they should start treating him the same way he seemed to want to treat me now.

The names didn't stop from David and I started to hate the name Karen because David made it sound like something dirty. It wasn't long after the time mom and dad heard David and dad started saying it was time I start acting like the boy I was.

The boy I was? I was never a boy, and mom and dad knew it. They had even told me to just be the best person I could be and if that meant I was Karen their daughter that was fine with them.

The tears of the sweet memory dried up and the anger of the years of abuse that followed started taking over.

"Mom, we didn't know you were home," Andrea said.

Home? Mom? I smiled at the thought I would again get to be a mom when we played house. At first Jesse said I had to be the dad since I was a boy, and I cried because I wanted to be a mom like her and Kathy. Jesse looked exasperated and David said he'd be the dad so I could be a mom too.

"Are you alright mom?" Lindsey asked.

I looked at my four kids and smiled they were all standing there looking at me sitting on Rose.

"I'm fine sweetheart, just some memories from a long time ago, back when the world made sense," I said.

Jesse was standing there watching me and I was sure she knew the memories when she smiled.

"Is there something wrong Alex? Kathy called and said you took off and no one had a clue where you went," Jesse said.

"Someone broke in my office over the weekend and trashed most of it so there really isn't much I could do at work. I guess I just needed to get away for a little while," I said seeing no point in explaining everything.

Jesse knew there was more but didn't press. Since the abuse started for her she reverted back to a simpler time and stopped aging mentally, while I became the big sister.

I slid off Rose and walked up by her head patting gently along her neck. She knew what I needed to have balance and brought me to a place of peace.

The kids insisted on showing me around since I hadn't taken much time the only other time I had been here.

With each new thing memories of a more innocent time came flooding back allowing me to realize I did have some great memories. Even David hadn't always been a monster, but the more he bought into that religion the more monstrous he became until the monster was all that remained.

The last room the kids showed me was a library with shelves full of books. I started scanning the books wondering if there were any I might find interesting and all the horror that had been my teenage years came flooding back. I drew my hand back from the books hoping the contamination inside wouldn't touch me, but knew it already had. It was the contamination in these books that did to me all the hurtful things.

"Mom are you alright?" Lindsey asked.

"Tell me your parents didn't believe the trash inside these books," I said. As memory after memory washed over me each telling me I was condemned simply because I existed.

"I don't know? Mom I know the dinner they went to that night was with the people who gave them these books," Lindsey said.

"I want these books out of this house and off this property. If anyone from that church ever shows up here and I'm not here you tell them to leave immediately and if they ever come back when I'm not here you'll call the police and have them arrested for trespassing," I said.

Lindsey promised me and said she would make sure all the others understood as well.

"Andrea do you understand?" I asked in a rather harsh tone of voice.

"Mom some of what they believe is ok isn't it?" Andrea asked.

"Andrea are you going to try telling me what they did to you and Jesse is ok? Nothing they teach has any worth because of the abuse that accompanies it. I want nothing in this house that deals with anything they teach is that understood?" I asked.

"I never thought of it that way," Andrea said.

"I know hunny, and it isn't you I'm angry with as much as what that religion did to those I love," I said.

Andrea gave me a hug and I rested my head on hers patting her back and letting her know I loved her.

The kids started pulling the books I said I wanted gone off the shelves and a paper fell out of one of them.

I picked up the paper and read it carefully. Linda and Greg hadn't been buying into the religion, at least not at first. At first they were doing some investigating for wrong doing in conjunction with the Justice Department, but slowly those they were investigating gave them book after book telling about how wonderful the church was and how with just a little prayer they too could know the truth of it.

Linda started participating with the womens organization getting deeper and deeper into the teaching while Greg got involved with the men and their activities.

Both of them seemed to forget about their children as they got more involved in the religion, and on the night they died they went to a dinner I assumed would have locked them into the religion fully.

"Lindsey, we need to talk. Do you know somewhere we can do so in private?" I asked.

"If you want I can saddle Happy and we can ride out were we did that first time," Lindsey said.

I looked at Andrea and Jesse hoping they could handle Angela and Marc so Lindsey and I could have that talk without worrying.

"It's alright Alex I'm sure if there's a problem we can handle it," Jesse said.

"Jesse if you can't hold yourself together I can wait until Kathy, Niki, or Nancy can get here to help out," I said.

"What about mom?" Jesse asked.

I called moms number and asked if there were any chance she might be willing to help Jesse and Andrea baby sit the two younger children. When she said she would I asked Lindsey if she could take Rose or one of the gentler horses and ride over and help mom find her way here explaining why I didn't want her driving over.

Lindsey went out and saddled Happy and thought about Rose until she saw I had halter reigns rather than a bit, and quickly got another horse saddled and ready to go. I watched her go knowing I could trust her and wishing I could have gone instead. I needed to know what was going on with Linda and Greg after reading that paper and that meant talking to Lindsey and or Michelle.

I found it hard to believe anyone could get suckered into something like that religion, but knew all to well it did happen.

It seemed Lindsey had been gone for at least an hour when she finally came riding in with mom on the other horse and a lead rope between Lindsey and mom.

I stood there waiting while they got to the barn and mom got off and said she hated riding horses and the only reason she would even consider getting on another was to get back home.

"It isn't that bad mom and it is a good way of getting around out here," I said.

"Alex if I hadn't said I would help I wouldn't be here now. If you would have told me I would have to get on one of those animals I never would have agreed to help," mom said.

"I guess maybe I should charge you rent then?" I asked.

Mom gave me a dirty look and didn't say anymore about the horses.

"Mom I'm not sure how long Lindsey and I will need, and Andrea and Jesse are here, I just feel I need someone else in case there are problems they might not know how to deal with. I have Andrea cleaning out the library, or at least certain religious books in the library I feel shouldn't have ever been printed. I ask you not take any of those books and you not interfere with her in that endeavor," I said.

"I can guess the books, and I wouldn't want them anymore than you would after what that church did to my family," Mom said.

Lindsey and I rode off to where we could talk in private, not saying anything most of the way.

"Lindsey tell me how it is your parents came by all those books," I said.

"It started about the time Linda knew she was pregnant with Marc. Some people came by and said they would like to talk with them about some god, asking questions that didn't make any sense to me, but both Linda and Greg seemed interested, and the people did seem happy," Lindsey said.

She told me at first her parents rejected the messages the people seemed to want to share, but also said it wouldn't be polite to turn them away without at least hearing what it was they had to say.

"Mom when those people first started coming around Linda and Greg were struggling to keep things on the farm going, it was before they bought Uncle John's part of the property except the houses. I still don't know where they got the money to buy Uncle John out," Lindsey said.

"I'll look into that, but I think I already have a good idea, and I think the only reason they were able instead of Erica being able was the kind of relationship they had, meaning they were in a heterosexual relationship. When was it they bought Marc's share of the property?" I asked.

"I don't know for sure, but I think it was after Marc was born," Lindsey said.

"Is that when they started going places and leaving you here?" I asked.

"I didn't mean to lie to you about them going to Europe without me," Lindsey said.

"That doesn't answer my question," I said giving her a stern look.

"I never knew where it was they went, Aunt Erica was willing to take Angela and Marc, but not me. Uncle John and Aunt Ellen were willing to come out here and live during those times and let me stay with them since Tammy and I were about the same age. Mom they didn't do anything wrong did they?" Lindsey asked.

"I don't know dear. I don't think so, but I do think they were being dragged into something very bad," I said.

"They never abused us other than not wanting me to call them mom and dad," Lindsey said.

"Do you know if you were adopted?" I asked.

"No, I don't think I was but I really don't know," Lindsey said.

"I'll look into that as well. Lindsey did Linda start wearing clothes that didn't make sense?" I asked.

"She did start wearing dresses that were shorter, even shorter than the ones you wear sometimes, but only when she would go to some meeting," Lindsey said.

I nodded knowing what was going on. She was being prepared for what was yet to come. I had no doubt there were men at those meetings and the fact Lindsey knew about the dresses her mother started wearing was an indication that since she didn't live in town she would dress at home rather than changing once she got to the meeting.

"Mom was it those people who abused Andrea and Aunt Jesse?" Lindsey asked.

"Yes dear it was. Those people are the reason I wanted to learn martial arts. They were the reason I went somewhere else to college. They are also the reason when I finished college I came back here," I said.

"You hate them for what they did to Aunt Jesse and Andrea, don't you?" Lindsey asked.

"It's ok to hate things Lindsey, but I don't want you to ever hate people. I don't hate people, but I do hate what people can do to other people. What I hate are the actions of those people not the people themselves. There are many reasons beside what they did to Jesse and Andrea that make it so I can't trust those people and want to make sure they go to prison if I can, but there are a lot of innocent victims of those people many of them not able to defend themselves at all," I said.

"Like Aunt Jesse?" Lindsey asked with more about wanting to know if I was a victim too.

"Lindsey you know I won't tell you about my teenage years, but I think your old enough now, to know why I won't tell you."

"I was eight years old when I first learned about the kinds of abuse those people are capable of, for the next ten years I saw that kind of abuse dealt out every week without mercy of any kind. The abuse Jesse and Andrea suffered was horrendous and without reason beyond men not being able to control their darkest lusts. Each time they allowed those lusts to come out the lust became darker and more insistent. David my brother was as much a victim of those people as Jesse was, even though he was the one who dragged Jesse into it," I said.

"And your saying my parents were being dragged into that?" Lindsey asked.

"I think seduced would be more accurate. I found a piece of paper that fell out of one of the books when you took it off the shelf. Linda and Greg were working with the Justice Department to find out what was going on inside that church, and I think somehow they were seduced into believing the leaders were actually good men teaching what they believed was salvation. Somehow they ended up owing the church some money and got caught by a clause in the contract they signed. By then they were so deep into the belief anything that was asked of them they were willing to give," I said.

"That's what happened with your family, isn't it" Lindsey asked.

"In a way, yes, it is what happened. The difference is my father was only willing to sacrifice one of his children and ended up sacrificing three, to the lusts of those people because of his weakness. In a way you were very lucky Linda and Greg were killed in that accident or there is a chance you would have been made to suffer the same abuse as Jesse and Andrea," I said.

Lindsey didn't say anything for a while and I wondered if she had any idea just how close she had come to being a victim.

"You were the one your father was willing to sacrifice, weren't you?" Lindsey asked.

I didn't say anything, I didn't need to, she knew the answer before she even asked the question.

"That's how you know so much about it. Andrea told me, Aunt Jesse said her sister Karen was the one who helped her survive, Aunt Kathy said you were the only one that ever used that name in your family," Lindsey said.

"Lindsey I don't want you asking questions about me when it comes to this. I did what I had to in order to survive and protect my family I could. I stopped using the name Karen when I went to college in favor of my first name and have never used it since. Karen was never my name to begin with it was just a name for when I played house with Jesse and Kathy," I said.

Lindsey seemed to understand I wasn't going to confirm what she thought she knew. I knew she would talk to Andrea about it, but the chances of Andrea being able to tell her were as unlikely as me telling her. Jesse was the only one other than my father who knew most of what I suffered and I doubted Jesse would be willing to talk about much of it since the memories were worse for her than they were for me.

I got back on Rose and turned her back toward the house telling Lindsey I wanted her to return to the house with the others and I would see her later for dinner and her martial arts lessons.

I didn't wait to see if she followed my instructions, but rode at a full gallop back to the house. I removed Roses saddle and brushed her down turning her out with the other horses and headed for the car.

"Mom, I didn't mean to make you angry," Lindsey said.

"I'm not angry Lindsey, but I wouldn't be as displeased with you right now if you would have done what I asked you to do," I said.

"I love you mom," Lindsey said turning Happy toward the house she had grown up in.

"Lindsey, What happened, happened and nothing can change that. I don't share it because you don't need to know and I don't want you to feel sorry for me or anyone else for what we may have suffered. If I thought it would help you to know what happened I would tell you," I said.

"Mom I... since Aunt Ellen I've never had anyone care about me the way you do," Lindsey said.

"I love you Lindsey. All I want is the very best for you," I said.

Lindsey turned Happy back toward her childhood home and I watched her ride off. I slid in the car and watched her go wishing I could tell someone everything and knowing I didn't dare. The last thing I wanted was someone to feel sorry for me. Pity wouldn't change what happened and wouldn't help in being able to over come what happened.

I started the car and heard someone pull in the driveway and stop before coming in view of the house. The doors of the car opened and two men got out and started heading toward the house in a manner that indicated they didn't want to be seen.

I slid out of the car and back in the barn taking my cell phone with and hitting the redial for Michelle.

"Hello Alex," Michelle said.

"How long before you can get out here to the house?" I asked.

"I'm about five minutes away. Kathy said you took off out of the office and didn't tell anyone anything. Then William and Heather said they tried talking to you at the courthouse and when you left there you seemed very depressed. I figured you might head out to the house and go for a ride, and hoped to talk to you whenever you got back from your ride if your car was there," Michelle said.

"Is William with you?" I asked.

"Is there trouble? If so I can be there in less than the five minutes." Michelle said.

"Just get here as quick as you can without broadcasting yourself. Also, you might want to come in here via Erica or Linda's old place," I said.

I knew Michelle had William with her, and hoped she understood I didn't want them walking into a trap.

I checked to insure my phone was on vibrate so it wouldn't give me away and I could still have quick access to it if needed.

I gathered all my stars and headed for the house making sure no one could see me.

I slid in the back door and headed for my bedroom in hopes of gaining my sword as well.

When I picked up my sword someone said it wouldn't be a very good idea for me to turn around holding it.

I set it back in its display stand and slowly turned palming a couple stars at the same time.

"I'm guessing you gentlemen are here for me?" I asked.

"If your Karen DeMay," one of the two men said.

"I don't know a Karen DeMay," I said.

"Yea they said you would probably say something like that, so they said she goes by Alice or something like that these days," the man said again.

"Hmm, don't know an Alice either. Would you care to try again?" I asked.

"How about you just give us your name and we'll decide if your who we want," the man said.

"My name is Kate Pratt," I said.

The man looked perplexed because the name I gave didn't fit any of the names he had.

"You know this DeMay chick?" the other man standing there asked.

"I might, but I would be interested in finding out why you want her first," I said.

"We were told she's setting a lot of people up on bogus crimes," the first man said.

"Let me guess the people that hired you are from the predominant religion around here?" I asked.

"I guess. We never saw them," the second man said.

"And they didn't give you their names?" I asked.

"They don't know our names either," the second man said.

"I'm willing to make a deal with you gentlemen, a deal that will let you walk away from here alive and free. The thing is it will mean not trying to find Alexandra DeMay and not coming back here holding guns. For the record even if you pulled those triggers you'd both be dead before you could take a step," I said.

"Why's that?" the first man asked.

"Because Alexandra DeMay is a master in two forms of martial arts and so is her boyfriend who happens to be standing behind you," I said.

Both men turned and I had my sword in hand and against the neck of the first man.

"Now I want you to be very careful and hold the gun out at arms length with your thumb and pointer finger holding the stock, I also want your friend to do the same," I said.

Both men did what I said and I lowered the sword.

"What do you want William?" I asked as he took the mens guns.

"I heard the name you gave these men. I guess I'm hoping it might mean something," William said as he stepped away from the two men.

"It simply means I didn't want them knowing who I am at the moment, but I'm sure by now they do know who I am," I said.

"And your still willing to let them have the out you offered?" William asked.

"Why not? Have I lost anything in giving them that out, as long as they're willing to leave without causing a problem and not come back carrying weapons?" I asked.

"I don't get it," the second man said.

"You really are Alexandra Kate DeMay. I've heard you're willing to give people a fair chance even though you don't have to," the first man said.

"Yes I really am Alex DeMay. As for giving people a fair chance I see no reason not to. Most people if given a chance will choose to do the right thing, and I would rather have a friend than an enemy. The people who hired you are my enemy and for very good reason. The charges against them I didn't file but am a key witness to since the crimes they're charged with include physical, sexual, and mental child abuse, and I was one of their victims from the time I was eight years old," I said.

"Your not kidding are you?" the first man asked.

"The most sleep I've had in years, was when I was in the hospital recovering from some very severe cuts in my arms, all because of what those people did," I said.

Both men saw the scars on my arms and looked down. They both knew what that kind of scar meant and that there were two sets of scars indicated a total lack of care for my own life.

"Why are you giving us this chance? If we would have known who you are from the start we wouldn't have given you a chance," the first man said.

"I'm giving you this chance because I could have killed you both before you even got in the house. I'm giving you this chance because I'm tired of killing and hope by doing so you'll let others know the truth, so the killing and abuse can stop, so justice can finally be found," I said.

Both men looked at me astounded that I would make such a claim, then thought about how fast I had put my sword against the one mans neck when they looked away from me for a split second.

"You're kidding about being able to have killed us before we even got in the house?" the second man asked.

"She could have killed both of you at any time since you arrived. The whole time you were talking to her she had a throwing star in each hand ready to let them fly. As you can guess by the scars on her arms life doesn't hold a lot of meaning for her, though I do hope it means more now than it did when those scars were new," Michelle said.

I looked down wishing Marc were still around to talk to. I would never again trust him like I had done, but I did still love him. William wanted my heart and failed to earn it by hiding something he didn't think I would pick up on, so now would need to prove himself worthy in another way.

A memory of my martial arts training came flooding in. "You remind me of a student I had who held great desire to learn," my master sensei said the day he started my training to become a master in martial arts.

"You knew I was a master even before we met?" William asked.

"My sensei told me of another student he once had who showed a thirst for learning the way I did. It just now dawned on me who he meant," I said.

I needed to talk to William, but I needed to talk to Michelle as well and talking to Michelle seemed more important at the moment.

"William I would like to talk to you, but I need to talk to Michelle first," I said.

Michelle gave me a dirty look as though she knew what I wanted to talk about. William on the other hand looked both hurt and relieved that I wanted to talk to him.

We all headed out to the living room both of the men who weren't invited finally accepting the offer I gave and swore they would talk to others they knew of who might have been hired about what it was they were being asked to do and why. William and Michelle looked like they were going to have a fit when I gave each of the men a hug and allowed them to return to their car and leave.

I took Michelle's hand and together we walked outside toward the barn. I didn't say anything until we reached the fence around the coral.

"Did you know Linda and Greg were becoming involved in that damned church?" I asked.

"No I didn't know, but I'm not surprised. I do have to wonder how it is you know?" Michelle asked.

"How I know isn't really important right now. What is important right now though is if your going to try convincing me I'm the reason you went undercover," I said.

"There's a lot involved Alex, and I'm not sure how to explain it so it will make any sense," Michelle said.

"How about if I tell you what I know and we go from there," I said.

I told her I knew her sister and brother-in-law started out working for the Justice Department gathering information on the church and the longer they were exposed the deeper involved they became, until they purchased Marc's share of the ranch except the houses and the few acres around the houses, but in order to get the money needed to barrow the money and the church stepped in offering to lend it. Unfortunately they didn't read the contract as closely as they should have and became indebted to the church with no real way out of the debt.

Linda had already started attending certain womens functions that required her to wear clothes most prostitutes wouldn't dream of wearing, while Greg was attending mens functions learning that women were only good for certain things all of them very exploitive and demeaning.

Michelle didn't say anything and listened closely while I told what I knew.

"The accident the night they died wasn't an accident. I got a call earlier that day letting me know what the church wanted. The call was interrupted and I heard someone say something about they knew they weren't allowed phone calls until the initiation was over. It was the next day we got conformation of their death in the car. The strange part was they didn't die in the car and the car shouldn't have caught on fire. The autopsy showed they were dead before the supposed accident, that along with neither of them having any ID that could be found," Michelle said.

## Chapter 44

Linda had been as much the reason for this investigation as I was, but I became the center of the investigation because they were sure I knew all the players and was in a better position than anyone else to help if I was willing.

Michelle left shortly after we talked which left William with no transportation unless I was willing to give him a ride.

"Why William?" I asked.

He looked around as though not understanding what I was asking. When I didn't say anything more he leaned against the fence and looked off into the distance as though the answer was somewhere other than were we were standing.

Rose came over to me wanting her neck scratched and I absently started scratching her.

"I fell in love with you from the stories Uncle Bill told, or I guess I should say I became infatuated with meeting you. When I saw you the first time I became obsessed with the idea of spending the rest of my life with you," William said.

"When we first met Michelle was still Marc and he and I were engaged. I still love Michelle, but do understand she isn't a lesbian and with me that's the only kind of relationship we could have. I don't know if I will ever be able to love you or anyone in the manner I feel is necessary to make a lifetime commitment to," I said.

He looked hurt, but there really wasn't anything I could do about that. I did love him as a friend, but at the moment friendship was all I was capable of, and he wanted more, much more.

"The Justice Department has asked that I finish out this case though Heather is now the lead prosecutor and I'm her assistant. I didn't know you knew her, nor that she knew you since I have never heard either of you talk about each other," William said.

"She graduated two classes ahead of me. Like me she passed the bar her first time, though I don't think her score was as high as mine was. I'd really be surprised if she knew much of anything about me other than what might be in those files," I said.

"She knew you graduated from the same law school, and passed the bar with the highest score in years," William said.

"William I still want to know what you expect from me, how long your willing to wait before you decide I can't give whatever it is you want?" I asked.

"What I want is to be able to spend my life with you. I would love to be your husband, but am willing to settle for boyfriend if that's the best I can get. As for how long I'm willing to wait, I really don't know, but I want to say for however long it takes," William said.

"Your angry that I let those two men go?" I asked.

"I'm not angry, but I will admit I don't understand," William said.

"I want the violence to stop out here and now it will. Both of those men knew they could have easily been killed since they found out I had seen them getting out of their car. They had been told a pile of lies they now know are lies. They won't try again and will likely do as they said and let others know the truth. William when they left here they didn't go far and if I read them right are still watching the property. They'll watch for a few days to learn what cars belong here and will make sure no one hired by those monsters you have in jail, or their cronies not yet in jail, ever make it into my home again. If I killed them I would be just as vulnerable as I was before, now the killing out here can stop," I said.

"They were paid killers. They were sent here to kill you, and now you trust them?" William asked.

"Did I say I trust them? I said they will stop anyone else from making an attempt here at my home. I never said anything about trusting them," I said.

William finally started to understand I now had a security force as good or better than anything he could provide, and it wasn't really going to cost me much if anything.

"William, I would love to have you stay here with me. I really do like you and maybe even love you a little, but I'm not sure I will ever be able to marry anyone. I'm not sure I can ever love anyone that way," I said.

William looked hurt, but still had hope one day I might be able.

He needed to get back to the office because the move to the new venue was supposed to take place in two days and insuring everything went smoothly meant making sure all the paperwork was checked and double checked.

I needed to get back to the office as well since I hadn't done anything about cleaning up my office.

I dropped William at the federal building and as soon as he was through the door headed for my office driving past when I reached the drive and just kept going.

Before long I found myself parked in front of the house I grew up in, and sat there thinking of all the things that had gone wrong. Would I be a lawyer if it hadn't been for the abuse? I would like to think I would, but I really didn't know. Would David still be alive if the abuse never happened? Again there was no answer, because the abuse did happen and David was now dead.

I slid out of the car and headed in the house to find a full crew of workers going through tearing out walls and building new ones. The changes already made the house look different than it had been. This was no longer the house I grew up in.

"It probably looks a little confusing right now, but I'm sure you'll like it when we're done," Jim said, coming to stand alongside me.

"It looks great already. At least it no longer brings out all the memories it did the last time I was here," I said.

"I can't imagine what those memories are like for you. Kathy never told me about the promise she made you all those years ago. I did what I could to protect her and Niki, I never would have done anything to hurt them, or you," Jim said.

"Have you ever found anyone willing to accept you for you?" I asked.

"The only person I ever wanted I knew I could never have, so I've never really looked," Jim said.

"Jim you know I can't love you that way, that for me to even try would probably destroy me worse than Jesse was destroyed," I said.

"How is Jesse?" Jim asked.

"She's doing better, but if they ask her to testify I'm afraid everything she has gained will be lost, and it would be better if she really had died," I said.

"Is there anything I can show you? Any question I can answer?" Jim asked.

"Do you know who William Pratt is?" I asked.

"Never heard of him. Is he your new boyfriend? I did hear Marc is now going by the name Michelle," Jim said.

"He wants to be, but I'm not sure I can ever love anyone that way. Jim I want to ask you to go to the prosecutors office in the federal building and tell them everything you know. If you need help I'm willing to go with you and let them know you did what you could to stop it, by protecting those you could, as best you could," I said.

"And if they arrest me?" Jim asked.

"I can't promise they won't, but I will trust you a lot more if you do," I said.

"Can I have some time to think about it? Alex I fell in love with Karen DeMay back in high school and never did get over her. I knew Kathy and Niki were her sisters, and thought if I did what I could to protect them she might be willing to trust me enough to tell me who she really was. It wasn't until you asked me to give you a price on this remodel I finally knew who she was and why I'd never have a chance of showing her how I really felt for her. I wish we could turn back time and make it so none of those horrible things ever happened," Jim said.

"I have one more thing I want you to consider Jim. What happened back then made you as much a victim as I was. I want you to consider getting into therapy to help you move past the abuse we suffered. I think if you'll do that you'll have a better chance of not being arrested when you go to talk to the prosecutors office," I said handing him Tiffany's card and letting him know Tiffany was a good friend and more than qualified to help.

I turned to leave and Jim stopped me with one last statement and question.

"I'll go to the prosecutors office and tell them everything I know, and I'll give this friend of yours a call and see about getting into therapy. Is there ever any chance of me seeing Karen again so I can tell her how I feel?" Jim asked.

"Karen never existed Jim. My family didn't like my first name because they didn't understand it. I went by Karen from as far back as I can remember because as Karen I could be a mom when playing house, but Karen was never really my name," I said.

I turned again and was out the door and to the car before he said anything. The sad look in his eyes standing on the porch as I drove off said more than words ever could have.

I again drove passed my office this time stopping at the police station I knew of and sat there wondering what I would say if I went in and Dave was there.

Ellen was my best friend the last couple years before I was sent to prison for murdering someone who never really existed. I never met Dave until after I was arrested. And never found out he was Ellen's brother until just before being sent to the prison. He knew I never killed anyone and even knew who I was, but still only did his job where I was concerned.

"Can I help you?" someone said knocking on the window of my car.

I looked out the window and started the car backing out of the parking space I was in. I needed to talk to Dave, but didn't know what about and needed more time to figure it out.

Why did it have to be Dave that knocked on my window just now? Why couldn't it have been someone else? Anyone else? I turned onto the street and saw Dave standing there watching me, a sad look in his stance.

I didn't know where to go what to do and turned toward the ranch only to pull into the shopping mall parking lot and finding a place somewhere in the middle to park.

I waited for what seemed an hour thinking Dave was going to follow me to find out what was wrong, and finally got out and slowly walked into the mall.

I hated crowds, but right now that was what I felt I needed. I started walking blindly around the mall looking in the different stores not seeing anything but the thoughts running through my head.

I felt people bumping into me, but didn't realize there could be any danger. I felt something stick me and realized where I was and that someone just bumped into me and stuck me with something sharp.

I looked around and saw someone moving away as though hoping not to be seen and felt the star leave my hand.

The person running away fell and rolled on their back smiling at me even as they lost consciousness.

I felt the area I had been stabbed and knew I was going to need medical attention soon or like the person I hit with my star I too would be lying on the floor unconscious.

I walked over to the person laying on the floor and picked up my star hiding it away and almost tripped before gaining my balance to walk to the nearest phone to call for help.

I kept a watch on the person still laying where they fell while I told the operator the FBI, police and two ambulances were going to be needed and where. The operator tried to keep me on the phone but their words didn't make any sense.

I dropped the receiver and sat heavily on the floor where I had been standing. People walking by not seeming to pay any attention.

I sat there for what seemed hours, but could have been mere seconds for all I knew as I fought to remain conscious.

I saw a policeman stop at the person laying in the middle of the floor and check for a pulse. It seemed he was trying to help the person to their feet when he was joined by other officers before anyone even noticed me sitting in a pool of blood on the floor.

One of the police headed my way and I felt another star leave my hand and saw the officer drop just a few feet away. I knew that officers face and knew I couldn't trust him, or any of the other officers with him, and had a couple more stars in my hands when I saw Michelle and Dave walking toward me.

I tried tucking the stars away and couldn't find the pocket they belonged in and didn't care any longer, it was all I could do just to stay conscious.

"Alex?" I heard someone say my name but it didn't make any sense.

I woke up with William sitting next to my bed and holding my hand.

"How long?" I asked not sure the words actually came out.

"Three days, the doctors said they weren't sure if you'd make it," William said.

Three days and this time it wasn't me who inflicted the wounds.

"The others?" I asked.

"The cop is dead, the other guy is still touch and go, and they don't expect him to make it," William said.

"I guess I'm under arrest as a cop killer now?" I asked.

"Actually no, the cause of death was a bullet not one of your stars, though the star you threw might have killed him if it hadn't hit his vest. The best anyone can figure is about the time your star hit him someone fired a gun hitting him in the head so he dropped like a rock and was dead instantly," William said.

It seemed I now had a couple guardian angels. If they followed me I hadn't seen them, but I hadn't been looking for them either.

"I..." I was asleep again before I was able to get the thought out.

When I woke again I could feel the bandages and knew there should have been pain, but only felt the tiredness of trying to heal from having lost a lot of blood.

"They'll try again if they can," someone said.

"Then it's up to us to insure no one can get to her," someone else said.

"How is she doing doc?" the first one asked.

"She's out of the woods now, but it will take time for her to regain her strength," someone I guessed was a doctor said.

I opened my eyes and saw two familiar faces standing in the doorway of my room. I rolled over so I could see the door better and smiled when both men jumped.

"Which of you shot that cop?" I asked not knowing if they could hear me since it sounded like a whisper even to me.

"He wasn't a real cop, and if we hadn't he might have finished the job," the one I had come to think of as being in charges said.

"I want the blood shed to stop! If you're going to start killing trying to protect me I don't want you protecting me," I said.

"Ma'am we weren't able to stop them from stabbing you, and I never saw anyone be able to throw something in a crowd like you did without hitting someone else. When we saw that guy posing as a cop headed your way, and saw you throw again and this time not even slow him down..." they said and I closed my eyes and was gone before they finished.

Someone was holding my hand when I woke again, and I rolled to see William sitting there a worried look on his face.

"They saved my life William," I said.

"The only reason they let anyone in here is because they saw Michelle and I that day," William said.

"They haven't killed anyone have they?" I asked.

"No, but either Michelle or I have had to let anyone in here to see you. They even stopped the kids from coming in," William said.

"And now that they know the kids call me mom?" I asked.

"The kids are allowed whenever they want. Alex the doctors told me something I didn't think was supposed to be possible," William said.

"That I'm pregnant? I can feel it William and believe me, I don't know how it's possible either," I said.

"Do you know who the father is?" William asked.

"I've only slept with one man since the last prosthetic I put on," I said.

"When did you put it on?" William asked.

"Before you took me to see your family," I said.

The confusion in his face was hilarious to see, and even though laughing hurt I couldn't help but laugh.

I saw Kathy come in the room and rolled back on my back hoping the laughing would at least slow. I closed my eyes and felt Kathy sit on the opposite side of the bed from William and smiled, the laughing at William's confusion gone entirely.

"Congratulations sis," Kathy said.

I smiled even bigger. "What do the kids think about it?" I asked.

"They do love you. They said if it's what you want they'll be happy to have a little brother or sister. They did ask if they were going to get a new dad, though," Kathy said.

"Would they be disappointed if I said no?" I asked.

"I don't think so, but they do seem to like William," Kathy said.

"There in lies the problem sis. I like William too, but I'm not sure I love him," I said.

"He wants to marry you doesn't he?" Kathy asked.

"He fell in love with stories told by his uncle. I don't think I'm quite living up to those stories," I said.

Kathy looked over at William and gave him a smile.

A short time later all four of my kids came in and jumped on the bed causing me to flinch.

"Sorry mommy, we didn't mean to hurt you," Angela said.

"It's alright sweetheart it didn't hurt much," I said.

"Mommy is he going to be our new daddy?" Marc asked.

I looked over at William and back at Marc. How could I tell them I didn't know if I could ever love someone that way. They all knew Marc and I had been engaged and if Marc hadn't become Michelle likely would have gotten married.

"How are you two doing with your lessons?" I asked Lindsey and Andrea.

"He isn't as good as you at explaining, and doesn't seem to understand what you've already taught us," Andrea said.

"Kids can you give me a minute to talk to William in private?" I asked.

Kathy took all the kids out into the hall.

"When will they be ready for my testimony?" I asked.

"They want Jessica's first and she's scheduled for first thing next week," William said.

"If they want her testimony they'll need me there to help, if they want my testimony they need to get it before Jesse's," I said.

"I don't understand, why do you think you'll need to be there for Jesse to testify?" William asked.

"Because I know how to ask the questions so she'll understand. She trusts me to be able to protect her and I know those people will be sitting there in the courtroom when she testifies," I said.

"I can talk to Heather about it, she did move Jessica up because of your being wounded," William said.

"Just let Heather know if she wants Jesse to testify she'll need my help getting it, and I'm ready to testify whenever she wants," I said.

"Alex, your still in the hospital," William said.

"I'm in the hospital because no one wanted to believe those monsters were capable of the kind of depravity I've been trying to tell everyone about. The fact I've had to kill my own brother should have told everyone how despicable and disgusting those monsters are, but for some reason I've been left to defend myself and my family the same as I was left to do when I was only eight years old. I want those monsters locked away were they can't hurt anyone any longer, and if it means getting in front of a judge and jury in less than ideal health, I'm willing to do so, because right now I have two guardian angels watching out for me so I'm no longer alone," I said.

"And what do I count for? I've been here to help," William said.

"Have you William? It seems every time trouble has come while you were around I was the one who had to deal with it while you sat back and did virtually nothing to help. Sure you avoided getting hit by one of my stars being thrown by someone who knew nothing of how to hit their target with them, and even subdued that person, but I killed two kids who poised a bigger threat while you sat there dealing with them," I said.

"And those two angels as you call them broke into your house and tried to kill you. What were your chances before Michelle and I showed up?" William asked.

"They may have succeeded, but they would have done so at a very high cost to themselves. Since then they've been watching my back something I've been promised time and time again by you, Michelle and Heather. Yes I got stabbed while they watched my back, but if it hadn't been for them I might be dead now since that cop that was killed would have done his best to make sure I died before help could have gotten to me and I was so close to being unconscious at the time there was nothing I could have done to stop him," I said.

William looked down knowing what I said was true.

"I'm not blaming you William. I know you've been working inside the law, and doing the best you could within the confines of what it means to stay inside the law. I just want you to understand why I feel the way I do. Why I chose to allow those two men to go, rather than being arrested for breaking into my home. I know you have wanted to take a more active role in making sure my family and I were protected, but the fact is I've been on my own for so long it's all I know," I said.

"That's why you won't marry me, isn't it?" William asked.

"I won't marry you because I don't know if I love you. I don't know if I will ever be able to love anyone," I said.

"I don't understand," William said.

"I'm broken William. Don't tell me I'm not, because it isn't the kind of broken you might think I mean. I'm broken right now because of all the abuse over the years. I'm broken because I want to know what love is and I don't, since it isn't what I thought it was. I'm broken because I need to be able to remember all that abuse and doing so makes loving anyone or anything impossible, even my kids are suffering right now because I can't love them the way they deserve. I'm broken and until I can start putting the pieces back together I can't love the way I need to for a relationship like marriage to work," I said.

"Are you willing to let me help you heal? I know I love more than just the stories my uncle told me. I know I love the person those stories are about not the stories themselves," William said.

"I want more than anything to be able to love, but right now I can't, and I don't know if I will ever be able to. If you can accept, that I may never be able to love you, there is little I can do to stop you from wanting to be around, but if you ever try tying me down you'll find me the most vindictive bitch you'll ever meet," I said.

William sat there wondering if he really wanted any part of me. I slid out of bed and walked slowly over to the door opening it to find all four of my kids and all my sisters sitting out in the hall.

I turned back around and started back to the bed and sat down in the first chair I came to, out of breath and light headed.

"What are you doing out of bed?" Kathy said coming in the room.

"Stretching my legs a little," I said.

"He doesn't look very happy about something," Niki said coming in the room carrying Marc and followed by everyone else.

"It's a long story," I said, standing and walking the rest of the way back to the bed.

Nancy and Jesse both took my arms when I started to fall just before reaching the bed, and helped me the last couple steps.

William looked at me and still didn't move. Was he in shock, or was he just so self absorbed he didn't see the need of anyone but himself? If he wanted me to accept him as a possible husband he needed to learn to help when it was obvious I couldn't handle something on my own.

I picked up the phone and set it back down since I didn't know the phone number.

"You want to call someone?" Niki asked.

"I need to talk to the special prosecutor and find out what's going on. William told me they intend to put Jesse on the stand before me, and if they do we could end up losing her forever," I said.

"We've all talked about that Alex. We all know how much Jesse looks to you and know it would be easier if your the one asking her question and giving her support while she's on the stand, but we also know you can't do that if she testifies before you do. We're also wondering if your strong enough to be able to testify and tell what you've been through without breaking down and retreating into yourself the way Jesse did," Niki said.

"I won't let them destroy Jesse when she's just now starting to heal from all the damage those monsters did. If the only way of saving Jesse is by risking myself then to me the risk is worth it. Jesse's testimony might not be necessary if they'll allow me to go first," I said.

Niki picked up the phone and dialed a number handing the phone to me.

"Justice Department," someone answered after it rang a few times.

"This is Alexandra DeMay, I need to talk to Heather Menes," I said.

The phone went to elevator music and it seemed no one was ever going to pick it up, after what seemed forever but was likely only about three minutes Heather picked up the other end.

"Hello Alex, I heard you were doing much better and out of the woods," Heather said.

"I heard that myself. Heather I need you to put me on the stand before my sister," I said.

"It's my understand she was in that situation longer than you were. If we can get her to tell what those people did it might not be necessary to put you on the stand," Heather said.

"Your right she was in it longer, but I was dragged into it before she was. Heather I'm mentally stable enough to testify without what I say being called into question, Jesse isn't. If you try questioning her on that stand without me there she could crack and retreat even further into herself where no one will ever be able to help her get back. Unless I'm allowed to testify before her I can't be there when she does testify without everything I say being called into question," I said.

"Alex are you willing to talk to me? Are you willing to tell me everything finally? I know whatever it was you went through was horrific, there's no question about that, I've seen what it has done to too many people to believe it was anything but horrific. But your the only person we've been able to find involved in this that still functions as a normal person," Heather said.

"Heather I will tell you everything and answer whatever questions you might have if you'll give me a couple conditions, condition number one, you can't record what we talk about, condition number two, we are alone and no one else can hear what is said. Neither of those conditions are negotiable, and if you can't give me those conditions you'll have to wait until you have me on the stand before you'll ever hear any of it from me," I said.

"I can give you the first one, but I want someone who knows about mental health there just in case," Heather said.

"Then I respectfully ask it be my therapist Neal Stromberg since I have no doubt he will eventually hear all this anyway," I said.

## Chapter 45

The doctor came in after I hung up from talking to Heather. And ushered everyone out of my room.

"Mrs Pratt I want to keep you here at least another week, and if I hear about you getting out of that bed again it will be even longer," the doctor said.

"Who is Mrs Pratt? My name is Alexandra DeMay, I've never been married and I'm not sure William Pratt is someone I would even consider marrying at this time," I said.

"You were checked in here as Mrs Pratt, I've never seen a wound like this cause amnesia, so I'm guessing someone lied when you were checked in," the doctor said.

"There are two men keeping watch in the hall I was wondering if by chance you could send them in here when your done telling me what a bad patient I am," I said.

The doctor nodded and I let him do whatever it was he thought he needed to until he started telling me he was concerned because of the way the knife entered my womb.

"What do you mean my womb?" I asked.

"The ex-rays show some major damage between your uterus and ovaries. The only thing we can account that to is the wound you were brought in here for," the doctor said.

"Doctor I'm not sure what to say. I never expected anything like this. I do need to let you know I might be willing to spend tonight here, but I am checking out of your little hotel no later than tomorrow and if you try giving me something to keep me unconscious for the next few days I think you'll find I don't play very nice with people who think they can force me to do something," I said.

The phone rang as the doctor was finishing his exam so I answered it to find it was Heather wanting to set up a meeting as soon as possible. She called my therapist and explained everything and said he was willing to sit in since he was sure it would be wise if he did.

My two guardian angels came in while I was still on the phone and stood just inside the door waiting for me to finish on the phone before coming in any farther. I told Heather if she was willing to come out to my home on Sunday that would likely be the best time, but she should plan on being there early and figure on a full day. She agreed and said she would make the arrangements with Dr Stromberg.

"Gentleman I appreciate what your doing here, but need to ask you no longer allow William in my room. Until he can give me an apology I don't want to see him again outside of a courtroom," I said.

"Ma'am, he said if we didn't let him in he'd have us arrested for breaking and entering at your house," the one I thought of as the leader said.

"It's my home and he isn't welcome there any longer either. If he tries I'll tell whoever I have to you were invited guests at my home and I allowed you in since you were guests," I said.

They both smiled at me and I smiled back. They said Kathy and the kids were still there and wanted to know if I wanted to see them.

"Any of my sisters and my children are welcome anytime. If Michelle Adleson comes by she is welcome. If William Pratt comes by wanting to see me unless I say otherwise he is not welcome," I said.

They both nodded and left letting Kathy and the kids in on their way back out. I heard William arguing with them wanting back in and heard both of them tell him I had given orders he wasn't to be allowed in until I said otherwise.

As the door closed Kathy said she didn't know if they would be able to stop William since he was supposed to be almost as good in martial arts as me.

"They may not be able to stop him, but if he tries forcing his way in here I'm as likely to kill him as I am to talk to him," I said.

I let Kathy know I didn't want William hanging around the house since he didn't seem to give much of a dam about anything but what he wanted.

She said she'd do what she could, but refused to make promises she wasn't sure she could keep.

My sisters and kids came by the next morning and I smiled seeing them and asked if they brought me any clothes to put on since I had no intention of spending another day in the hospital.

Kathy handed me a bag that had one of my favorite dresses in it along with a pair of shoes that matched perfectly.

"William isn't happy about those two in the hall not allowing him in here," Kathy said as I changed.

"That almost breaks my heart," I said pulling the dress down on my shoulders and turning so Kathy could assist me with the zipper.

I started getting everything ready to go and when the doctor came in, he gave me a dirty look and turned around to leave.

"You can either sign the paperwork for me to be released or not doctor, either way I am leaving," I said.

"I found your file Ms DeMay and I know there's nothing I can do to keep you here. The papers are already sitting at the nurses station. I would ask you take it easy for a while and use a chair whenever possible to help with your healing," the doctor said.

"I think I can manage that. Thank you," I said.

On the way home I let Kathy know I would need my house to myself and didn't want anyone coming over unless it was an emergency until I called.

She nodded and didn't say anything until we were in the house.

"These kids aren't going to like you sending them over to the house we're in until you call," Kathy said.

"Kathy I'm going to have a couple people over and I don't want anyone hearing what it is we're talking about, especially not the kids. Soon enough everyone will know more than I would like anyone to know about what was done to us," I said.

Sunday morning the doorbell rang and Andrea answered.

"I think mom is waiting for you," Andrea said letting Heather and Dr Stromberg in.

When I saw who it was I asked Andrea to get the other kids and head over to Aunt Kathy's until I called to let them know they could come back home.

The kids finished their breakfast and Lindsey went out and saddled horses so when Andrea had the little kids ready they could go.

"Those kids seem to be wonderful," Heather said.

"They're great kids. I don't know what I'd do without them," I said.

Dr Stromberg nodded and I could see he knew I was staying strong for the kids.

I offered Heather and Dr Stromberg a cup of coffee and sat at the dining table in an attempt to keep this as informal as possible.

"Alex we're here because you said you want to talk about what happened," Dr Stromberg said.

"I know and I want you both to understand this is not easy for me so please don't try rushing me in this," I said.

I started by letting them know the first eight years of my life were full of wonderful memories. When I started into the next ten years I felt the horror start to creep in and had to stop several times.

"On my eighth birthday my father said he wouldn't tolerate me pretending to be a girl any longer. He talked to the church leaders and they said if he allowed me to continue dressing like a girl everyone in the family would be called into question and possibly have to face exorcism for demonic spirits."

"All my girl clothes were now Andrea's and I was only allowed to wear boy clothes."

"A couple days later dad came home from work and saw me again dressed in girl clothes and took me in his bedroom and whipped me for the first time, telling me if I ever dressed in Andrea's clothes again it would be much worse."

"This went on for a couple months before he finally gave up, since the beating didn't seem to work."

"One night he came home and saw me again dressed like a girl and didn't say anything. Andrea and I thought perhaps dad finally gave up on trying to convince me I had to be a boy. Later that night dad said he had a church meeting and he was taking me with," I said.

"I'm sorry Alex, I don't mean to interrupt here, but isn't Andrea your daughter?" Heather asked.

"I guess I should clear up the names I'll be using since those names are the actual names used at the time. Andrea in this was my twin sister Andrea Katherine. When I talk about Karen I'm talking about myself. My birth name was Alexander Kevin, and up until this point I had gone by Karen, Kathy was the one who originally started calling me Karen in part because she thought Alex was only a boys name and Kevin and Karen sounded a lot a like," I said.

"Thank you Alex, I really didn't mean to interrupt, but I was confused," Heather said.

"I'll try to be a little better about making sure you know who someone is by the name I use, but I can't promise I will always be able to do that," I said.

I refilled my coffee cup and sat there trying to remember a past I worked hard to forget. The time before the abuse started came making me smile until that first meeting dad took me to.

"The first meeting was different, even the first few meetings were different."

"When we arrived at the church dad pushed me in the girls restroom and threw a package at me telling me he would be back in ten minutes and if I knew what was good for me I'd be wearing what was in the package."

"I opened the package to find a dress that looked much like the ones Andrea had in her closet. This dress looked very much like the one I wore the most often in fact. I smiled that dad had given me the dress and even told me to put it on. I quickly stripped and pulled the dress over my head settling it on my shoulders. I saw in the package there was a pair of panties as well and held them up unsure of them because I had never seen panties like them before. After putting them on they felt weird so I took them off and turned them around. They still felt weird, but not as weird so I left them on. Finally there was a pair of heels unlike any I had seen even mom wear."

"When dad came back I was just finishing putting on the heels from the package. Dad gave me a dirty look, but allowed me to finish, grabbing my arm and dragged me down the halls of the church in this dress that was too small and showed the panties I was wearing without me needing to bend. Trying to keep up in those heels was impossible since I had never worn shoes like them before and had never seen anyone wear heels like those."

"That night all the men at the meeting wanted me to sit in their lap and told me how beautiful I was. I knew things like this shouldn't be happening, but who could I tell? Everyone I should have been able to go to about this was there telling me how beautiful they thought I was. Everyone of them calling me Karen a name I loved because it let me be a girl."

"A few days later dad again took me to one of his meetings and again pushed me in the girls restroom with a package and told me I better be wearing what was in the package when he got back."

"I changed faster than the time before, and again found the dress was so short the panties showed just standing there. I was able to walk in the shoes this time though they still had the stiletto heels like the others had."

"When we got to the room where all the men were they again wanted me to sit in their laps and again told me how beautiful I was, but this time each gave me a kiss as well."

"Before we left the second meeting one of the men came up to me picking me up kissing me in the same way I had seen mom and dad kiss. I really started to panic but wasn't able to move. The man started touching me through the panties and sat in a chair forcing me to touch him the way he was touching me. Dad sat there smiling the whole time never saying anything."

"After what seemed to my mind to be hours the man handed me to someone else and undid his pants pulling them down along with his underwear so he was exposed. He sat in the chair again and the man he gave me to handed me back. He told me if I didn't do what he said he would make dad bring one of his other daughters who might be more willing to learn to become a woman."

"I knew if I didn't do what they wanted my sisters would face what they were doing to me and I couldn't let that happen. I did what he demanded and knew the life I dreamed of would never happen. These men would do everything they could to destroy me, but I had a secret they didn't know about. Unlike my sisters I was broken so the worst they could do to me is shatter the pieces and that wasn't possible unless they managed to do to those I cared most for what they were about to do to me."

Dr Stromberg started to say something, and I raised my hand to stop him.

"I know you are going to try telling me I'm not broken, but for me to survive I had to convince myself I was. I had to believe what those men did to me was nothing less than I deserved. Please Dr Stromberg I ask you hold what you want to say here for another time when we can talk about things at more length," I said.

When he didn't say anything I continued.

"It was a week before dad took me to another one of those meetings. Like the meeting before the men all touched me and kissed me demanding I touch them. The same man from before didn't want me to just touch him like he wanted the previous week this time he demanded I kiss his penis and allow him to put it in my mouth. He told me if I bit down on him he would kill me and do to all my sisters what he was doing to me."

"I did what I was told and while doing so felt someone put something in my ass causing me to jump from both pain and surprise. I never expected what happened that night, but one after another of those men insisted on putting their penis in either my mouth or my ass and each time I was told if I bit them, they would do worse to my sisters."

"For the next couple years those men did whatever they wanted to me making sure to tell me if I didn't cooperate they would do those things and worse to my sisters. Each time calling me by a name I had loved, but slowly learned to hate."

"The second year of them using me to satisfy their lusts my brother David started coming to the meetings as well, but unlike me he wasn't dressed like a girl and made to preform whatever sexual acts they wanted. He was encouraged instead to develop the same kinds of perverse behaviors those men had. To use me however he wanted, to fill the most perverse desires he could think of. Since at home he and I shared a bedroom he would commit those acts at home as well as at those meetings."

"A few months after David started coming to those meetings the first of my failures to protect my sisters happened and Jessica was at one of the meetings. She was one of the smartest, kindest people I knew, and still so innocent. I was forced to watch as those men did to her the things they did to me, and all I dared do was cry inside where no one could see. When they tried forcing her to do things I knew from experience were very painful and extremely degrading I had enough and told them if they ever tried making her do those things it wouldn't matter what they did to me I would do whatever I could to insure they weren't able to ever do any of the things they did again. I would bite and claw and the only way they would be able to stop me would be to kill me. I told them I would do anything they wanted as long as they never did those kinds of things to Jesse."

"A couple months later Jesse and I were forced to change rooms so I was sharing a room with Andrea and Jesse was sharing a room with David. At that point I knew there was nothing I could do to protect Jesse any longer. Being forced to share a room with David meant anything he wanted at night he would get because of how much bigger and stronger he was than Jesse."

"The abuse continued week after week and for Jesse night after night. Jesse had been in the top of her class starting into middle school and by the end of middle school was at the bottom of her class and retreated into herself so far it seemed no one would ever be able to reach her."

"One on one I could talk to her and have an actual conversation, but those conversations usually involved her asking me to make sure what was done to us was never done to our other sisters. Jesse had given up, she didn't hold out any hope of ever having a life aside from being whatever those using her wanted her to be."

"When Jesse was fourteen she got pregnant and was sent off to live with some other people until after the baby was born. We had been told the baby died at birth, and I wished for a long time Jesse had died as well so those men couldn't use her any longer."

"After Jesse came back home even I had trouble reaching her she had pulled so deeply inward. All I could do now was fight to insure Andrea and Niki never had to know the same kind of abuse."

"Somehow I managed to maintain two identities through school. In school I was known as Kevin, but at those meetings I was Karen. I stayed at the top of my class all the way through school academically, though I'm still not sure how since I hated everything about my life. My senior year in high school I learned about a kick-boxing class and signed up. The first month I was always thought to be the smallest and weakest in the class, the one everyone else could beat. Half way through the school year I was the one no one could beat, and hated the competitions because I didn't like hurting anyone."

"David came in mine and Kathy's room one night while I was studying and tried to force himself on Kathy, sure I wouldn't do anything since in the past he had beat me up whenever he wanted. This time though I didn't care any longer. I wasn't going to let him do to my twin what he had done to his own twin sister. I hit him in the back knocking him off Kathy and onto the bed. He got up ready to do like he always did and charged at me. I stepped out of the way of his charge just before he got to me and kicked out catching him in the jaw and shattering his jaw. I told him if he ever touch one of my sisters again I would kill him. I didn't know at that point he was unconscious as soon as my foot made contact with his jaw."

"Dad came in to see what the noise was and saw me standing over David and grabbed my arm dragging me to his room where he took a belt and started whipping me. He hit me three times with the belt and the anger I had at David was back and I caught the belt before it hit me the forth time pulling it away from him and pushing him back on his bed at the same time. He came at me the same way David had and I stepped out of the way and he crashed into his dresser. He recovered quickly and charged at me again I again stepped out of the way and as he started by me this time kicked out catching him in the ass and sending him through the closed door into the hall. I followed and saw all the fight gone from him and said I would never go to one of those meetings with him again and if he or David ever touched one of my sister again I would kill them."

"Mom had called an ambulance for David and dad just stared at me not daring to say anything since he knew I meant what I said. He knew what he had allowed to happen to me and Jesse was wrong, and he knew I wouldn't accept it any longer and was now able to stand up for myself and my sisters."

"David spent a week in the hospital and another six months with either his jaw wired shut or on soft food while his jaw healed."

"I left a week after my high school graduation for college. Mom and Kathy were the only ones home to see me off. When I came down from my room after packing I was Alex, and have used that name since. Kathy and I talked about what I wanted for a name and I didn't mind Alex, but only if it stood for Alexandra. For a middle name I wanted something that sounded like a good match for Kathy and she suggested Kate. So I told everyone from that day on my name was Alexandra Kate DeMay."

"With the money I saved from the various jobs I had I was able to pay for my first quarter of college, buy a small wardrobe of clothes I liked and a car that fit my needs. I walked out of the bedroom I shared with Kathy as Alexandra and the clothes I had in the bags I took were clothes I purchased to show the world who I truly was."

"I made Kathy promise to tell me if dad or David ever tried to take her or Niki to those meetings, and refused to leave until she gave me that promise. When I returned home after my first quarter of college, Neal, the baby of the family, told me the physical abuse he knew about from dad was now being delivered to him. Since dad called while I was there and demanded to talk to Neal I took the phone and told dad if he or David ever touched any of my siblings or my mother in an abusive way I would kill them. After hanging up without giving dad a chance to say anything I stepped off the porch and David came out talking his shit to me thinking the last time we faced each other was just a fluke. He charged at me and I sidestepped him at the last minute kicking him in the ass like I had done dad the last time I faced him. David went face first into the lawn, but recovered quickly and was on his feet charging me again. Instead of sidestepping again I waited and at his last step before reaching me raised my knee into his groin sending him flying backward clutching himself and crying and moaning like a little child."

"I stepped up to him and told him the same thing I told dad about him ever touching any of my siblings or mother. David rolled over and moaned even louder. I looked at Neal and told him I would be there if he ever needed me as long as he never did anything to hurt any of our sisters. I also made him promise me he wouldn't tell Niki or mom about the offer of protection I made."

"When I returned to school I took my criminal law class and was told by Professor Pratt if I really wanted to learn about how the criminal law system worked I should go to the courthouse and read actual case files that were permanent court records. I took Professor Pratt's advice and found two cases that had some rather gaping discrepancies in them. When I talked to Professor Pratt he wanted me to show him what I meant. As a student I could look at the records, but I couldn't get copies and trying to transcribe them would have taken weeks to do since I still had my full-time job, my martial arts classes and I was a full-time student."

"The next day he dropped both files I told him about on my desk before giving his lecture for the day. After class he said he wanted me to come up with a defense for both files and have them ready in two weeks. I hoped he would let some of the others in class help, but gave us so much work no one had time. I had the defense for both cases worked out showing the men who had been accused were innocent and if the case was presented in court properly would also show who the guilty parties were."

"The following day he said he wanted me to help him get appeals for both cases and also help in the courtroom with their defense. When I tried to tell him I couldn't because I couldn't get the time off work and if I ever hoped to graduate I needed my job he said he was disappointed in me. When grades came out he gave me a 'B', and said it was because he didn't believe I really wanted to be a lawyer if I wasn't willing to help him fight for those mens freedom. I again tried to explain I needed my job, because without it I couldn't afford my rent or my tuition. He still didn't believe me and wouldn't ask anyone who knew me if I might be telling him the truth."

"After I graduated I was offered jobs with several law firms from around the country, but only one from here. I needed to be here if I intended to keep my promise of protecting my brother and sisters. So while the law firm here didn't offer as much at the start I accepted their offer. I hoped to get into criminal law, but was told all they had for me was contract and on occasion constitutional law cases. The senior partner asked me to draft a generic contract for a special client and if I did a good job on it I'd be able to accept my own clients and set my own rates."

"By the end of my first year I had several client who wanted to put me on retainer and were willing to pay between one hundred thousand dollars and one million dollars a year, plus five percent of any contract settlements we had to deal with in court. By my fourth year I had enough in the bank I wouldn't need to ever work again if I didn't want and still live better than I did growing up."

"The fourth year the senior partner also told me he expected me to defend the first contract I had written since it was being challenged. I asked for everything to do with the dispute of the contract and was told it only dealt with what I had written. I went over the contract I wrote and found nothing that could have been called into question in the way the suit specified. I called the opposing lawyer and asked to meet with them so I knew more of what the dispute was about. And met with them a couple days later. When they started showing me the fine points that were called into question I didn't understand because nothing in the contract I had written could even be remotely deemed to contain what they were claiming."

"The other attorney showed me a copy of the full contract his client signed and I did find the contract I had written embedded in it but it was by no means the part of the contract being called into question."

"I again went to the senior partner and was this time told someone else would handle the case since I seemed to think I needed more than what the firm had thus far provided."

"I was promised in writing I would become a full partner in the firm after my fifth year, and when I tried asking about that promise and showed the promise I was told because I failed to defend against the contract I had given up any chance of ever becoming a partner. I turned in my resignation promising I wouldn't practice law for five years. The day I started my law firm was five and one half years after I left that firm." I said.

Both Heather and Dr Stromberg had several questions once I was done telling them what I thought was everything.

"Alex, can you give us the names of the people involved in the abuse?" Heather asked.

"I'm sorry but without seeing their faces I can't. My memories of those people are locked into seeing their faces and how they smell. I know Jesse can give names without seeing the faces, and chances are if she sees their faces she won't be able to give their names," I said.

Dr Stromberg nodded his head that I might understand how something like that could be possible.

"Excuse me ma'am. I believe the only way Alex is going to be able to give names is to see them unless there is a way of forcing the memories so fully to the surface she could become as lost in the memories as many of the others, I'm assuming have become," Dr Stromberg said.

"What about hypnosis? I've heard it can be a useful way of drawing out memories that can still leave the protections in place people like Alex have created," Heather asked.

"In some cases I would agree, but having sat here listening to Alex I don't believe it would be possible. It seems in this case Alex built a safety net to protect herself by seeing herself as deserving of the treatment she received. She said it herself. She was broken, not by those men, but because she wasn't able to be who she knew she was. I did a little probing into Alex's medical history after meeting her and again after agreeing to be here today. Alex believed herself to be male because all of those in authority over her told her she was. All she ever wanted was to be who she knew she was, and by deeming herself broken because no one would accept her for who she knew she was it made it easier for her to keep those she most valued from being broken like she already was in her mind. I believe the only way Alex will ever be able to put the names of those people with the crimes they committed is to face them with an understanding it is them who is actually broken not her. She became strong out of need to protect in a world she never should have had to face. Alex you aren't broken and you were never supposed to have been a male. You were born intersex not transgender and it seems your body did that to allow you to be who you chose to be," Dr Stromberg said.

## Chapter 46

Andrea came in the house after Dr Stromberg made his statement about hypnosis probably not being a valid way of helping me remember the names of the people involved since I was able to identify them by other means.

Heather, Dr Stromberg and I all looked at the door when Andrea entered.

"Is there something you need sweetheart?" I asked.

"Aunt Jesse asked if she could come over here since you don't go over to the other house very often," Andrea said.

Heather looked from me to Andrea and back, as though not believing how much we looked alike.

Andrea stood there smiling and even started laughing a little.

"I'm guessing Lindsey is with you?" I asked.

"Everybody but aunt Niki and aunt Nancy are, but Lindsey and I rode ahead. Aunt Kathy and Aunt Jenny have the little kids and said they would stay with Aunt Jesse since she's a little afraid of the horses," Andrea said.

Lindsey came in and Heather looked even more confused.

"Heather, Dr Stromberg I'd like you to meet my oldest two daughters, Andrea and Lindsey," I introduced. "It isn't official yet, but the papers have been filed for me to adopt them and Lindsey's younger siblings."

"It's a real pleasure. Alex, I do have some more questions and if you could come to my office in the morning perhaps we can finish this then," Heather said.

"Heather I need to testify before Jesse, because if I'm not there when she testifies she is likely to retreat were even I can't get to her," I said.

"Let me ask one more question before everyone else gets here then. Do you feel you could name everyone involved if you saw either them or their pictures?" Heather asked.

I looked at both my girls standing there and smiled thinking of the names of the men in those meetings and knew I no longer needed to see their faces to be able to name them. I knew there were men and women involved I didn't know and there were likely to be many who still hadn't been arrested for the things they did, but I could now name everyone of the men involved during the time I was a victim and knew when the time came I would be able to, if need be, tell in detail the depravity of each. I could give names of both the animals and those they preyed on during the time I was one of the victims.

"Heather I can give you the names of everyone involved during the time I was a victim of those animals even give details of what they did to me and others. I don't need to see their faces to put the names with who they are, but once I was no longer one of their victims there were others involved I don't know, but believe I know someone other than Jesse who does. If you intend to put Jesse on the stand I need to be there, because it's the only way Jesse will be able to be strong enough to testify, and the other person I know who could give names is still a minor and the only way I'll allow her to testify is in chambers without those men present," I said.

Heather looked from me to my daughters and looked sick at the thought either of them might have been involved in what those monsters did.

"I can't mom," Andrea said. "Please, you promised I wouldn't have too. Please mom I can't."

"Andrea I can protect you from those people here at home, but I won't let you become a shut in, out of fear since I can't always be there in public. Heather can do a better job there, but for her to help it means sharing with her. I promise I'll be there and I know Dr Stromberg will too if you want," I said.

Andrea gave me a hurt look and sat in one of the open chairs.

"Andrea I'm not asking you to get on the witness stand with all those people sitting there. What I am asking is that you answer the questions Heather asks. I wish I could say doing so here would be the only time, but that I'm afraid isn't up to me. Because I do need to testify on the witness stand it wouldn't be right for me to be here while Heather asks you her questions, but if Heather is willing to hold off on asking you questions where those peoples lawyers will also have a chance of asking questions until after I testify I would love to be with you when and if that time comes," I said looking at Heather.

I took Lindsey's hand and we headed out to wait for the others. I would look in the house from time to time hoping whatever questions Heather might have for Andrea wouldn't take long. And as Jesse, Kathy and Jennifer finally reached the house Heather, Andrea and Dr Stromberg were coming out of the house.

Heather came over by me I thought in hopes I would be willing to introduce everyone.

"Alex, I don't think it would be wise to allow Andrea to testify, though if the defense asks we may not have a choice. With what you said before everyone got here I think you might be the only witness I call. It's a given your the only one not lost in a world no one seems to be able to reach into, and I believe your also about the only one who can name everyone of those people," Heather said.

"Heather don't close off your options. We don't know yet what the defense might do and if we can deal with the contract angle along with the testimony of the various members of my family, I'm sure we can get a conviction. Then of course there are all the people who have come out here hoping to take me out of the picture since I do happen to be a double whammy since I likely know more about the contract angle than anyone even those who wrote them," I said.

I noticed a commotion in the driveway and started in that direction with Heather and Dr Stromberg close on my heels.

When I got close enough to see what was going on I let out a cuss and released one of the stars I had. When the star hit the fence post those involved in the commotion jumped and stared at me.

"You have two minutes to be off this property William, and if I ever see you here again the next time that star won't be in the fence post," I said.

Both of my guardian angels gave William a dirty look daring him to not get back in his car and leave.

I sat there in the chair I was using to help speed my recovery and knew it was going to end up William against me whether, or not he left. He started toward me and Heather stepped in front of me telling him if he didn't leave he would be arrested and his job with the Justice Department would be over and his bar accreditation would be stripped as well.

William stopped, but didn't turn back to his car. His balance was shot and he wanted something he couldn't have.

I stood up and walked past Heather not showing any sign of the pain my injury should have been causing because all I saw at the moment was one of the monsters who for so long made my life a hell no religion could begin to teach about.

I had another star in my hand and only needed William to move in any direction other than his car and it would be flying. I thought of my children and knew only I could insure they never had to face the kind of people who cared only about what they wanted at the expense of someone else. I stopped five feet from William and started feeling only the love I had for my children and sisters. There was no turmoil in me something that had never happened in all the time I sought balance. I knew where every movement came from as though it was by my own design. I no longer felt broken, but whole in a way I didn't understand.

William reached out to grab me and I moved so he only caught air. His reach threw him off balance and I had him on the ground with the point of my star against his neck. If he moved he would be dead if I wanted.

"You have one minute to get off this property and if you ever come back here you'll find what our master taught you was nothing to what he taught me. I have a balance that can no longer be shaken, because it's no longer based on memories, but on something even stronger and more lasting. Something I thought you had but have shown doesn't exist in you. You aren't any different than all those men who used women and children for their corrupt desires, and I want nothing to do with you or anyone like you," I said.

I tucked my star away and stood up turning back toward where my chair was sitting. I felt the movement even before anyone saw it and knew William didn't understand the kindness I was giving in letting him leave.

William was on his feet and rather than accepting my offer to leave reached out to grab me again. I broke his arm as soon as he touched me. Since he was still on his feet I kicked his knee from the side and heard it pop as he fell face down. I walked calmly back to my chair and asked Heather if she was going to have me arrested only to see she was about ready to puke looking at the way the bone stuck out of William's arm. Dr Stromberg didn't look much better so I turned and saw when the arm broke the bone jutted out and when he fell from his knee being broken he did so on the bone of his arm and it was now poking out through his back.

I didn't know if he was dead and I really didn't care. I had given him two chances of leaving my property in one piece and both times he thought he could do whatever he wanted. Now if he wasn't dead he would never again be whole. Was I any different. I felt a calm that until now eluded me. A calm my sensei talked about and that even without that clam I had become what he said was his greatest student. He had told me about William and his thirst to gain notoriety as one of the best, but he said he had never seen anyone in all his years of teaching who sought only balance in hopes of being able to live without fear any longer.

My sensei master was the best and said he would hate to meet anyone as dangerous as I was if I ever found the calm that can be found only through total harmony of mind and soul. He knew of the harmony, but was never able to help me find, or understand what it was. He knew I had achieved a shaky balance, but never the harmony he said would make me the greatest and keep the demons of the past from ever being able to shake my balance.

Both of the men who became my guardian angels were leaning over the fence puking from the sight and I knew without doubt William was dead. I headed in the house and called emergency services to have an ambulance sent out letting them know I was fairly certain the injured person was dead. I went to call Michelle and couldn't find her number and realized the only place I knew it was for sure was in my cell phone so picked it up and called

"Michelle I need you here as soon as you can get here, please," I said when she picked up.

"Alex? Alex what's wrong?" Michelle asked.

"Please I..." I dropped the phone and ran out to the coral.

Rose came up to me almost as soon as I was at the fence wanting me to scratch her neck and without thought I reached out and was on her back with her running across the yard at a full gallop.

Rose ran and I got lost in the love I knew was mine finally. Rose came to a stop where we had come the day we met and I slid off her back and sat in much the same place I had that first time. The day Rose and I met was the day I came home from my second attempt at suicide. I had killed my brother a couple weeks earlier, and I wasn't sure I would ever be able to enter the house again.

"Are you ok mom?" Lindsey said sliding off Happy as she came to a stop a short distance away from me.

"Do you remember the day we came out here?" I asked not looking at anything other than the ground.

"It was the day we met. You needed some good memories and I needed a mom," Lindsey said.

"If you wouldn't have come up to me that day, I would have likely tried a third time," I said.

She didn't say anything but did come over and give me a hug.

"William didn't have a chance because he thought he was the best. Lindsey something my sensei told me a long time ago I finally understood. He said when perfect balance is achieved there is a calm that can never be shaken. When I came out here it wasn't to hide, or hurt myself it was so I could better understand the calm I found. All fear was gone and only the love I had for you, your brother and sisters, the love for my sisters remained. A calm I had been told about, but was never able to find," I said.

Lindsey sat down like she had the first time we came out here and again started weaving grass.

"Mom did you mean to kill William?" Andrea asked.

"I don't know dear. I knew in the end it was going to come down to which of us was better balanced in mind and body. Andrea we both had the same sensei teach us. We both had the same amount of training, but I had something he could only hope to have, and in the end that was what gave me the advantage," I said.

"I don't understand," Andrea said.

"Andrea I was shaky in my balance because I thought I failed in being able to protect those I loved most, and in a way I did, but part of that was the choice wasn't mine to make. Kathy knew there wasn't anything I wouldn't do to protect her, Niki and Nancy, but she wanted to protect me since she knew how vulnerable I was. She did what she thought would help the best she could and in doing so hurt me in ways she couldn't understand."

"What I failed to understand was the choice she made was made out of love, and it took you kids to help me learn that. For most of my life I thought I was broken because I knew if I was already broken there wasn't anything those people could do to hurt me and I deserved the things they did, but none of my sisters deserved those things because they weren't broken," I said.

"But you aren't broken mom," Andrea said.

"No dear, I'm not broken, and neither are you," I said pulling her into a hug.

We sat there after the hug we shared not saying anything but knowing we were each special in our own way. I heard the horses approaching and never moved since I knew who each person was.

"It's beautiful out here I think I understand why you came out," Kathy said, getting off her horse.

"This is where Rose brought me the day I rode her the first time," I said. "Is William dead?"

"The bone went through one lung, but they said he should recover. Heather wants to talk to you. I think to find out what happened that you no longer want anything to do with William," Kathy said.

"I found my perfect balance," I said.

"I wondered if you hadn't since he was supposed to be as good or better than you in martial arts," Kathy said.

"Let me guess, you heard him say that?" I asked.

"Mostly him, but Michelle said it too," Kathy said.

"Did Heather and Dr Stromberg leave?" I asked.

"I think Dr Stromberg did, but Heather said she still wants to talk to you some more," Jennifer said.

I looked for Rose and couldn't see her with all the other horses standing around. I started walking back to the house having no idea just how far it was and at the moment not really caring. I made it maybe twenty yards and got bumped in the back and smiled since it seemed Rose wanted to play.

I climb on Roses back and rode easily back to the house and saw Heather and Tiffany both standing there talking. Dr Stromberg was no where in sight.

Since I hadn't bothered saddling Rose when I rode out I took her over to the barn and started brushing her talking sweet nothings to her.

"She's a beautiful horse," Tiffany said, coming in the barn with Heather.

"Alex, I don't know what happened between you and William, but I get the feeling he wanted more than you felt you could give. No charges have been filed it did appear he reached out to you before you did anything, and also like you allowed him to leave after his first attempt. I've never seen anyone move the way you did and to be honest I don't think he stood much of a chance. You could have killed him," Heather said.

"He wanted a relationship I'm not capable of since there are still two other people I love neither of which are male," I said, turning to Tiffany wondering if she understood.

"I'm going to guess one of those people is Michelle," Heather said.

"Michelle is engaged to someone else. Someone I know she loves with all she is. As far as I know the other person is still single, but probably doesn't have any idea how I feel about them," I said, looking at Tiffany the whole time.

I wasn't sure if Heather picked up on who it might be, but hoped Tiffany did.

As roommates in college we actually shared a room and there were many mornings Tiffany was in my bed holding me the way Kathy had done after the abuse started.

"You wanted me to know didn't you?" Tiffany asked.

I stood there looking at her remembering all those nights. I felt so much more rested on those days and knew the nightmares through the night were some of the worst I ever suffered.

"Kathy held me like you did on the nights my nightmares were the worst. You had the right to know," I said.

"I'll always be here for you, if you'll let me," Tiffany said.

I turned Rose out into the pasture and headed for the house taking Tiffany's hand hoping she would follow. In the living room I asked her to have a seat while I washed up from my ride. When I walked back in the living room I stopped in front of Tiffany and dropped to my knees holding out my hands to her.

"Alex, I..." Tiffany stuttered.

"You gave me more then I could repay never asking anything in return. Of all our friends you were the only one who knew anything about the pain I lived with daily. You were the one who went out of your way to comfort me and let me know I was more than just the grades I got. You never pressed for information you knew I couldn't give. I've loved you from the day we first met," I said holding out a ring much like the one I had given Michelle.

Tiffany had tears running down her cheeks and I was sure she was going to give me some reason she couldn't. I heard Kathy walk in followed by Jennifer and the kids, but my attention was all on Tiffany and what she might say to what I was asking. She knew I knew about the kind of work she did in college and now should know it didn't matter to me.

"I... Alex, I...," she stuttered trying to get words out.

"I love you Tiffany. I've loved you as long as I've known you," I said.

I reached out to her taking her left hand and sliding the ring on her finger.

"I want to be your support, your wife," I said.

The tears never slowed, nor did she try pulling her hand away. I reached up wiping a tear from her cheek and caressing her cheek at the same time.

"I hope you'll say yes. I hope I'm not so damaged you feel over whelmed thinking it is fear of men that has drawn me to loving you. Tiffany I did love Michelle even before she started transition. I loved her enough as Marc I was willing to be Marc's wife, but I love you enough to let you decide if I can be enough for you, to respect whatever decision you make here," I said.

Kathy came over and sat by Tiffany placing her hand on her back rubbing gently.

"Do you remember what I told you when we first met and you mistook me for Alex? Tiffany, Alex hasn't changed in all the time I've been her sister. At least she didn't change until the abuse started coming from only one direction and even then she stayed true to her desire to protect those she saw as whole, as vulnerable. You know as well as I do how vulnerable she really is how not broken she is, even while so many in the world would say differently. If she's broken Tiffany so are we," Kathy said.

I gave Kathy a dirty look. I didn't know how Tiffany and Kathy met or when. When Marc and I arrived at the restaurant that night it was obvious they did know each other.

"Alex, I... do you remember that first night we were roommates? I knew something happened that tore you apart inside. That first night you were tossing so bad I couldn't sleep until I slid in bed with you and wrapped my arms around you. You calmed so quickly with just that little gesture on my part I knew whatever it was that drove you was something you would never share with anyone you didn't trust. I was already majoring in psychology and thought I could help, but knew after a few nights was beyond anything I was likely to ever be able help with, but if my simply laying with you helped. I love you Alex. I came here because you did. I hoped to one day be able to ease whatever it was that haunted your dreams so you could finally sleep and only have sweet dreams," Tiffany said.

"I don't know if the nightmares of all those years will ever go away fully, but in finding my balance I found something even better than just good memories to counter the bad. I've learned I can be whole and am worthy of being loved," I said.

Tiffany smiled and took both my hands asking if we could go somewhere a little more private. Together we walked out the door and headed for the corral. Rose came over to me as did a horse I didn't know. While Rose nosed me the other horse did the same to Tiffany.

"Do you know how to ride?" I asked.

"Not very well, but I'd love to learn," Tiffany said.

We brought both horses in the barn and saddled them, I asked Tiffany if she wanted bit reigns or halter reigns like I used and explained the difference the same way Lindsey had explained.

Lindsey came out and helped saddle Tiffany's horse and started saddling Happy and I gave her a look I was sure she would understand meant she wasn't invited on this ride though in the future she might be.

Tiffany and I both mounted and headed out to where it seemed I always went. I remembered the day Marc took us all out so we could have our picnic dinner and turned in that direction with Tiffany riding right beside me.

"Alex, I've wanted to be your wife since that first day as your roommate. I even went shopping for something hoping to give it to you so you would know just how special you are to me, but didn't hold out much hope of ever being able to see you like I do now. When I came here today it was in hopes of giving you what I bought so long ago and hoping just maybe it would be you I was waiting to know the answer from," Tiffany said stopping the horse so she could get out what she wanted.

"I came out here hoping to give you this ring and ask you the question you asked me back at the house," she held out a ring box opening it so I could see a ring that matched perfectly the ring I gave her.

I felt the first tear start rolling down my cheek.

"I... I love you Tiffany," I said trying to gain control of the tears.

We both got off the horses and hugged both with tears running down our cheeks. We talked for what seemed moments but we knew where hours. I noticed how low the sun was and suggested we head back to the house.

When we got back to the house Niki and Nancy were there along with everyone else.

"You going to tell us?" Kathy asked.

"Tell you what Kathy?" Tiffany asked.

Kathy gave Tiffany and I both a dirty look and we both started laughing.

"I think we should talk to the kids first since it's more likely to affect them than you," I said.

Heather seemed very interested in hanging out with my sisters listening to them telling stories about what they remembered from when they were little.

Tiffany and I took the kids out to the barn and I started Andrea and Lindsey on their training while Tiffany talked to Angela and Marc.

"What do you two think of Tiffany?" I asked once they were busy practicing the moves they had learned so far.

"She seems nice," Lindsey said.

I looked at Andrea and tossed one of my stars wondering if either of them would jump like they did the first time I tossed stars while they were doing their exercises.

"She loves you," Andrea said continuing her moves like nothing happened.

"Could you accept her as your mom?" I asked, tossing another star.

"Maybe when we get to know her better," Lindsey said, not flinching.

"Mom what happened with William?" Andrea asked.

"He wanted something I couldn't give," I said, tossing yet another star.

I stood up and started going through the moves each of them had learned so far and adding a couple more moves to see if either of them struggled like they had every time I added new moves before.

I went through all the primary moves with them a couple times and sat down encouraging them to sit with me.

"Did either of you notice anything different with me when William and I fought this afternoon?" I asked.

"Your moves seemed more natural than when we've watched you before. It was like you could see everything he was doing before he did it," Andrea said.

Tiffany came back with Angela and Marc so I didn't ask anymore questions.

"If you want to find perfect balance you first need to know you are worthy of love. You need to understand love is not always something you can understand, but it is something everyone is worthy of. Love will temper your world and bring balance where nothing else can," I said.

"Is that why you kept having problems? You didn't think you were worthy of love?" Lindsey asked.

"I convinced myself I was unlovable, that no one could ever love me. It was something I did to survive. If I wasn't worthy of love I deserved to be abused. I had to be broken thus unworthy of anything good. You girls are going to find out what Aunt Jesse went through was less than I went through, at least at the start. I was broken but none of my sisters were broken. Those people couldn't break me because I was already broken.

"Aunt Kathy loved me and knew more of what I went through than anyone until Jesse started facing the same abuse I did. Aunt Jesse trusts me because she knows what I suffered she knows if it wasn't for me it could have been worse for her. When Jesse was first taken to those meetings it almost destroyed me, but I had two other sisters so couldn't give up."

"When I left for college I hated the idea of being gone, but knew if I wanted to ever be strong enough It was something I needed to do. I found some people who were willing to let me stay with them for a share of the rent and utilities. Tiffany was one of those people. Neither of us could afford a full share but together could afford a little more than a share so were allowed if we were willing to share a room. I've had nightmares most of my life, and the first night was one of the worst in part because I was away and knew my sisters were vulnerable to those people. I guess it was hard for Tiffany to sleep because of the nightmare I was having so she did the same thing Kathy had done for so many years. She slid in bed with me putting her arms around me and hugging me whispering it was alright she was there and wouldn't let anything bad happen. I don't know how many times I woke up in the morning with Tiffany holding me but I felt more rested on those days," I said.

"Mom we don't want anything bad to happen to you," Andrea said.

"I know dear. I want you to get to know Tiffany. I hope you'll give her a chance, and Andrea if you feel you need to talk about what happened I hope you'll talk to either me or Tiffany not Lindsey. It's ok for Lindsey to know a little, but Tiffany and I can help more than Lindsey can," I said.

## Chapter 47

Heather decided she was going to allow me as her first witness so I needed to be at the venue for the trial within a week of Tiffany and I getting engaged. Tiffany moved in the day after we asked each other the question and the trouble I had been receiving since this whole mess started seemed to stop.

"Alex I'm going with you," Tiffany insisted.

"The kids need one of us here. As much as I wish it could be me, we both know I can't," I said.

"Then we'll all go," Tiffany said.

I wanted her with me, I wanted the kids with me as well, and I wasn't sure which I wanted with me more. Andrea needed to be there since she might need to testify, but the other kids didn't need to hear the testimonies. That courtroom was the last thing they needed, but did that mean they couldn't be there so the time spent away from the courtroom couldn't be family time.

"Tiffany if I agree you'll have to promise to stay with the kids while I'm at the court and not bring them there so they might hear what is going on there, other than perhaps on the news," I said.

"You'll share with me what you can?" Tiffany asked.

"I want you to be part of my life and that does mean you knowing about all of my life, but I'm sure you understand just how ugly parts of my life have been. It may take years before I can share all of it, and I do ask you allow me to share in my own time. I'll always try to be honest with you, but if you start asking questions I'm not ready or able to answer I hope you'll understand," I said.

"Alex, I love you no matter what, I know it will take time for you to sort through a lot of things and know if you can you'll tell me if there is something I should know. I know it's likely to be years if ever I'll know the full extent of what those people did to you and others, and because I do love you I'm willing to take what I can when I can always giving everything I have in return," Tiffany said.

"Are you still working for Allen and Brent?" I asked.

"I never really worked for them, but I guess it did seem I did. The date I had with me at dinner the night I met the three younger kids was one like the dates I had back in college. When the three of us came here after college we did so because of you. Me because I loved you so much and always hoped to let you know how I felt. Them for whatever their reasons were. I think secretly Brent had a crush on me, while Allen had a crush on you," Tiffany said.

I started laughing I knew Allen had a crush on me, but if Brent had a crush on Tiffany it was something I knew nothing about.

"Do you still want to do that kind of work?" I asked.

"I don't know? Alex I haven't needed the money since getting out of college, but after having done it so long it just seemed it was all I was ever going to be good at," Tiffany said.

"You know I don't mind, unless your doing it because you want the money. What is mine is yours and that means we don't need the money, even if neither of us ever works again," I said.

"Do you really have that much money?" Tiffany asked.

"I don't have any idea how much I have, but Kathy keeps telling me I do," I said.

"So Kathy knows better than you do?" Tiffany asked.

"Kathy took over my finances when we were starting the Pride Center. If memory serves the Pride Center start up all came out of my pocket," I said.

"You know they never asked me to be with anyone sexually, but the money was always better and the dates more plentiful if I was willing," Tiffany said.

"Like I said Tiffany if your doing it for money, please, I ask that you not do it any longer. If your doing it because you enjoy doing it I'm hoping our relationship is enough to get you to stop, but really don't mind if you continue as long as you don't let it interfere in our time together. If you can get a week away from your job as a therapist I don't see any reason you and the kids can't come with as long as you don't bring the kids to the courthouse," I said.

I needed to be at the venue for the trial in one week and knew Heather was going to be calling me to the stand first since I knew as much about the case as anyone.

My nights became more and more troubled, the closer the time for me to leave. I noticed Tiffany holding me tighter and tighter in the mornings. She said I made it nearly impossible for her to get any sleep until she wrapped her arms around me whispering how much she loved me.

The morning I needed to leave I remembered the images that played across my mind while laying in bed trying to get some sleep that wasn't going to come.

It was agreed that Tiffany would join me in the afternoon after she got off work since it would be the start of her vacation. Allen was going to handle the appeals I had until I was able to get back, and Niki and Kathy would be joining me after a week and bringing Jesse with them.

I got checked into the hotel we were going to be staying in and decided to do a little sight seeing since I had never been away from my home town other than while I was in college. There were fliers all over the lobby of the hotel and after looking through several of them figured since the hotel was so close to the down town area it might be just as informative to just go for a walk as anything so made sure the hotel would have a car at the airport for Tiffany and the kids to get them picked up and checked in, then headed out the front door of the hotel.

I strolled down the street mostly just window shopping not really paying much attention to anything and saw a group of teenagers. I watched the teenagers for a while and noticed them giving those who were obviously tourists a bad time.

"I was wondering if you kids could help me out with something," I asked approaching the group.

One of the kids spoke up and said they didn't know if they could unless I had a hundred bucks.

"I see, so if I want to ask a few questions, it's going to cost me a hundred dollars?" I asked.

"I thought you said you wanted us to help with something," the one who said it would cost said.

"It isn't important, but perhaps what I wanted help with might have benefited you more than a few dollars could have," I said.

One of the tougher looking of the bunch reached out grabbing my arm.

"I suggest you let go of my arm before any of you kids get hurt. You don't know me, or what I might be capable of, so I'll let you know I have two black belts, and am not allowed to compete in any martial arts competitions because of the level of my black belts," I said.

"You really think you could take all of us?" the kid that grabbed my arm asked.

"Maybe not but I can assure you some of you could end up crippled or dead, starting with you," I said holding a star in each hand so he could see them.

He released my arm as soon as he saw the stars, and started backing away.

"Smart boy. Are you willing to answer the questions I have now, or do I need to find someone else?" I asked.

"We can probably answer your questions," the boy said.

The look on his friends faces was comical since I hadn't held the stars so any of them could have seen them.

"First question. Why do you give tourists such a bad time?" I asked.

"I don't know it just seems like something to do," the boy said.

"I see so harassing strangers seems like a fun thing to do?" I asked.

"It did," the boy said.

"If it weren't for tourists the tax rate here would need to be higher to make up for the loss of revenue brought in by the tourists. By harassing them you make them think badly about your town and they are likely to refer their friends and family to go somewhere else, and possibly not return because you gave them a bad time, and made their visit less than it should have been," I said.

"I never thought of that," the boy said.

"So you understand I'm not here visiting I don't have a lot of choice about being here since I'm a witness against the people who are standing trial for abuse against women and children. I learned martial arts so I could protect my sisters and children from those people so no one else would have to suffer what I did. On top of that I'm also a lawyer who right now has to count on my partners to handle the cases I have so I can be here. My wife and children will be here this afternoon and I would really hate to see them treated the way I've seen you treating tourists," I said.

Each of the kids finally started joining in the exchange. Some wanting to know about the big court hearing taking place, and wanting to know if I was really a victim of the people standing trial.

"Am I a victim? Not any longer, but I was. What those people did they did to kids as young as eight years old. Half way though my senior year of high school I stopped being a victim," I said.

They asked several more questions and finally the one that grabbed my arm asked about the stars he had seen.

"The stars are martial arts tools and extremely sharp. I carry about a dozen at all times and until the people who are defendants in the court case are in prison will continue to do so," I said.

"I guess you've used them against people?" the boy asked.

"I'm the person those people fear most. I'm one of the few people who can name all of them and link them to the crimes they've committed," I said.

"There's more, there has to be, or they wouldn't be so afraid," the boy said.

"Yes, there's more, and it's likely they fear me so much because I'm the one who gave the prosecutor the most damning evidence and made sure they could never find all of it and destroy it," I said.

I needed to get away from these questions. These boys had no reason to know the kind of horrors I lived through. I tried to excuse myself from them and started running. If I couldn't put some distance between myself and the questions they were asking... I looked over my shoulder and saw someone following me so stopped to let them catch up if that was what they wanted. I palmed a couple stars and started looking in the closest store, or what I thought was a store.

"Ma'am please I just wanted to apologize for my friends. I don't think any of them know what those people are capable of," the boy said, stopping far enough away I couldn't reach him with anything other than one of my stars.

"And you think you do know?" I asked.

"No ma'am. I'm sure I don't, but I do know part of my family was involved in their religion and no one in the family has heard from them in years," the boy said.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Alexander, ma'am," the boy replied.

"Your family name?" I asked.

"DeMay, I'm Alexander DeMay," Alexander said.

"I'm guessing you only know about that part of your family from stories you've been told?" I asked.

"My mom remembers them. She said Uncle David and Aunt Caroline had three sets of twins," Alexander said.

I tucked away the stars I had been holding, and without thought warped my arms around Alexander burying my head in his shoulder.

"Your cousin David is dead, but the rest of the family is doing better now those animals are locked up and hopefully will soon be locked away forever, I said.

He stood there letting me hold him slowly putting his arms around my back and patting gently. I was sure he didn't know what to say to me and at the moment I couldn't say anything.

I eased the embrace and felt his arms drop back to his sides.

"I'm sorry I have never met any of my extended family before and we kind of share the same name," I said.

"I don't understand," Alexander said.

"My name is Alexandra DeMay. I knew dad had a brother, but I never met him or his family. My brothers and sisters are Jessica, David, then me, then Kathy, Nicole, and lastly Nancy. Jesse and David were twins, Kathy and I are twins and Niki and Nancy are twins. My fathers name is David and my mothers name is Caroline," I said.

"That's not right. Dad said each set of twins was boy girl," Alexander said.

"Nancy and I were both thought to be boys, but Nancy and I were never boys and if your dad knows about Niki and Nancy he should also know I went by Karen and refused to dress like a boy," I said.

"He doesn't talk about it much. I doubt he has talked to Uncle David since before I was born," Alexander said.

"I'd love to meet your family," I said.

"Dad's probably at work right now, but mom should be home," Alexander said.

He told me it wasn't far to his home and if I really wanted to meet his family it was probably as good a time as any. I looked at the time and figured I still had a couple hours before I needed to be at the airport to meet Tiffany and the kids so agreed.

"Mom, I met someone..." Alexander started but never finished.

"Alex, what were you saying..." a woman I knew I had met before, but didn't really remember said coming from another room.

"Hello, I'm Alex DeMay," I said.

The woman stood there staring at me. It was obvious she knew me or someone that looked much like me.

"Caroline is your mother?" the woman finally asked.

"That is my mothers name, but I don't know if it's the same person you mean," I said.

"I'm sorry it's just you look so much like your mother at that age. I'm guessing she would have been about your age the last time I saw her anyway," the woman said.

"I'm sorry ma'am you do look kind of familiar, but if we've ever met I was probably just a little kid," I said.

"If your fathers name is Dave I'm guessing the last time we would have seen each other you couldn't have been more than five years old," the woman said.

"My fathers name is David, but I know him better as asshole. Sorry if that offends you ma'am, but there is some very bad blood between my father and I. Until a few months ago the last time I talked to him, I was home after my first quarter of college and I threatened to kill him if I ever got word he was treating any of my sisters the way he did me," I said.

"I can only guess it was in part that religion he got mixed up in. We haven't talked to your folks since they told us about that religion and we told them it was a dangerous cult," the woman said.

"It seems Alexander has heard stories about my family," I said.

"I'm sure he has and most of them aren't kind to your family. Did your parents have anymore children after they had, I think it was, Nicole and Neal?" the woman asked.

"They're the youngest, Jesse and David were the oldest and Kathy and I were in the middle," I said.

I heard the woman muttering to herself the names of my brother and sisters. "Jessica, David, Alexander, Andrea, Nicole and Neal,"

"That is my brother and sisters ma'am. At least that's the names we were given by mom and dad. Now Kathy uses her middle name, I go by Alexandra, and Neal goes by Nancy. David died about five months ago," I said.

"So you and Neal are both transgender?" the woman asked.

"Nancy is transgender, I'm intersex, but thought for a long time I was transgender," I said.

"Would it be too much for me to ask what brings you here? Alex we haven't talked to your family in a long time and if they're still in that religion chances are my husband still won't want anything to do with your family," the woman said.

"I wouldn't blame him for feeling that way if my family were still mixed up in that religion. I'm here as a chief witness in the trial that will be taking place here. I'm a key witness for the prosecution, and I have a feeling that religion will fall apart once this trial is finally over and the worst of the monsters locked away where they belong," I said.

"I'm not sure I follow," the woman said.

"As far as I know my brother David was the last one still having anything to do with that religion. I was the first to leave, and also the one to make sure David was the last wanting anything to do with them. I killed David, because he kidnapped Niki and a friends sister and took them to my home and was going to rape them. When he was being arrested he managed to get the police officers gun and took a shot at me. Everyone there said it was self defense, but I told him too many times if he ever tried hurting my sisters I would kill him. David hadn't been able to beat me in a fight since my senior year of high school. I'm now a master in two forms of martial arts and when I toss my throwing stars I never miss. I threw that star to kill or he would still be alive," I said.

I saw her looking at my arms and wanted to hide the scars. I wasn't ashamed of what those scars meant and knew if given the chance I wouldn't have done anything different.

"The scars are self inflicted, and there are two sets," I said.

"I wasn't going to ask," the woman said.

I heard the door open and close and stood there not sure what to say.

"Hello Alex, Gwen, who is our guest?" the man asked.

"Your niece Alexandra," Gwen said.

I turned and saw the man standing behind me. He looked so much like my father I knew he was family.

"My name is Alexandra Kate DeMay, it's a pleasure to meet you sir," I said.

I bowed my head and waited for him to say something, anything.

"You didn't learn that behavior from your father," he said.

"There are many things I didn't learn from my father, and you are right, respect is one of the many things I didn't learn from him, while contempt is something I did learn from him, though not in the manner of contempt he showed," I said.

"I take that to mean, you have nothing but contempt for that religion he got involved in?" he asked.

"There is no love lose between me and those who blindly follow any religion. I find all religions contemptible," I said.

"So which of my brothers kids are you?" he asked.

"I believe you knew me as either Kevin or Karen, and as I stated my name is Alexandra Kate," I said.

"Your twin sister is Andrea Katherine?" he asked

"She goes by Kathy now," I said.

"I hope you don't mind about us still believing in God. We do have a church we attend on occasion but mostly just around the Christmas season," he said.

"I can't help what you believe, and as long as you don't try forcing your beliefs on me or my family I have no problem accepting you as friends and family," I said.

"You have children then?" he asked.

"My spouse and children will be here this evening," I said.

"Are you here on vacation, or on business?" he asked.

"I'm here as the lead witness for the prosecution on the trial that has been in the news lately. I hope to see everyone of those monsters sent to prison for the remainder of their lives," I said.

"I heard almost everyone of the leaders of that religion Dave was in are involved in that trial," he said.

"That may well be. From what I know of that religion I hope this trial will destroy it and stop other religions from ever attempting to become what that one did. I don't doubt that religion started out with good intent, but the leaders were looked on as gods and took advantage of their followers as though they were gods. They didn't care who they hurt as long as they got what they wanted, and it was mostly women and children who paid the price of their perversions," I said.

"You have personal experience about that, I'm guessing?" he asked.

"What I know will be told publicly soon enough. All I know right now is they are in the final phase of jury selection. Within the next week or two the trial will start and hopefully the nightmare that has surrounded my family will finally end," I said.

"I guess I should let you know my name since you probably haven't heard it in twenty years, shortly after Nicole and Neal were born. I'm Brian, your fathers youngest brother," Uncle Brian said.

"Niki and Nancy are both girls we only ever had one brother David, Jesse's twin," I said.

"Yes you did say something about that. I apologize I didn't mean any offense. The way you mentioned David though it sounds like something happened to him," Uncle Brian said.

"David died about five months ago physically, but he died much longer than that ago," I said.

"That sounds rather confusing," Uncle Brian said.

"It isn't really that confusing if you understand how that religion works. David was a wonderful big brother until that religion entered the picture. Shortly after that religion entered David started making fun of me because I wanted more than anything to be a girl. Within a couple years of that religion David was anything but a wonderful brother, and not only to me but to Jesse and Kathy too. Everything in his life revolved around what that church said and what it said wasn't what the public image it portrays is. In fact what that religion showed outwardly was nothing like what it was inwardly. So you see David died a long time ago emotionally, but his body died about five months ago," I said.

"So how did his body die?" Uncle Brian asked.

"He was resisting arrest and got a hold of the officers gun. He got one shot off and was hit in the neck by a martial arts throwing star," I said.

"I'm guessing the one shot he got off was at the person who threw that star?" Uncle Brian asked.

"I'm glad he's gone finally. If there would have been any chance of the big brother I remember from before that religion coming back I might regret that day, but the sad truth is David died a long time ago and that religion is what killed him." I said.

"You threw the star?" Uncle Brian asked.

"He kidnapped Niki and, my at the time, fiancé's sister and tied them to beds in our home. We were able to subdue the three other men with him and he gave every indication he was going to surrender peacefully. I completed my martial arts training about ten years ago with a masters belt in two forms of martial arts. My training included the use of throwing stars, sword and nunchaku. My stars and sword are sharper than any razor I've ever seen, and the nunchaku is a tool I'm not fond of using though it is a great training aid. I haven't missed my target with my throwing stars in more than ten years," I said.

"If that's true you killed David didn't you?" Uncle Brian asked.

"I don't know. I know I have never felt anything but relief at his death, but I don't remember if I meant that star to kill or only wound. Uncle Brian, you need to know more of what all happened to understand the apathy David and I had toward each other to understand why I really don't know if I killed him when I could have wounded him to disable him being able to get off another shot," I said.

Alexander had gone outside while Uncle Brian and I talk and set up a target for throwing stars. I heard his stars hitting the wood he used for a target and walked to where I could watch him better.

"He's pretty good with those things," Uncle Brian said.

"He isn't in balance so he looks awkward and misses more than he hits," I said.

"I imagine you could show him what he's doing wrong," Uncle Brian said.

We went out in the back of the house and Alexander never missed a beat in his attempts to hit his target. I tossed one of my stars and stuck it in the center followed by two more stars before Alexander even realized we had joined him.

"Are you always that accurate?" Alexander asked.

"When I was first learning I was worse than you are," I said.

"According to my sensei I'm his best student," Alexander said.

"Would you mind working out with me and I'll see if maybe I can help you a little. I just hope you take it easy on me since I'm not getting my full workouts lately," I said.

He started his moves and I watch as he did each move with precision.

"Alex would you mind if I suggest something?" I asked.

"If I'm doing something wrong, please help, my sensei is a sixth dan black belt and he said he has only ever seen three people he couldn't equal," Alexander said.

"I guess I should feel flattered, since that is what the master that finished my training said about me. He told me he had never seen anyone who scared him as much as I did and if a time ever came I could find my perfect balance there was likely as not ever going to be anyone able to compete with me," I said.

I started my moves keeping an eye on Alexander and noticed him join with me making move for move with me. I stepped it up to the black belt moves and Alexander started faltering.

"Alex tell me what your thinking about when you work out," I said.

"I think about the moves, my sensei said if the moves aren't right they're worthless," Alexander said.

"I see and your afraid you'll get them wrong if you don't think about what your doing?" I asked.

"I don't think about the moves I've been doing since I started," Alexander said.

"Did your sensei ever tell you that if you want to be great you need to find balance, that your mind and body have to be in harmony?" I asked.

"He said he never understood that part," Alexander said.

"It seems few do. Alex I'm a master in the martial arts I know. Even my sensei when I started isn't a master so a master needed to be found once I reached the level of my first sensei. My first sensei did teach a few students about balance and he taught me because my life was so far out of balance. I had a drive to learn he hadn't seen in any of his students, but that I didn't have balance made what he was trying to teach me worthless. Don't take that wrong I was still one of his best students, but I was never as good as I could be," I said.

"So how do I find this balance your talking about?" Alexander asked.

"I initially found balance by thinking of good memories and letting them fill me so it was almost like I was living in the memory. All the sights and smells where there the feelings everything good about the memory. It is hard to do because if you accept the memory to fully you lose the present, and the present is where life is. I think what I'm trying to say is you need to let only the good in so it becomes part of who you are. Perfect balance is when both good and bad are in their place. You can't stop bad from being part of who you are, but you allow the good to have the greater part of your being. Once balance is achieved the moves you were struggling with will become second nature and the ritual of ceremony, or the stance becomes unimportant. I am always ready to defend myself and those I love. For me to achieve perfect balance meant overcoming a lifetime of believing myself unlovable. I have always loved, but I didn't believe anyone could love me. My children and spouse taught me I'm worthy of love and my perfect balance is found in the love I have for them and the love they give me," I said.

"I'm guessing that's why he doesn't understand. Could you show me how you do your workouts?" Alexander asked.

"Not right now I can't by the time I can get a cab and to the airport my wife and children should be landing, and I really would love to meet them at the airport," I said.

## Chapter 48

Uncle Brian refused to let me call a cab to get to the airport saying it was the least he could do to drive me so he could meet the rest of my little family.

I didn't argue strongly and when I saw they had a van rather than a car smiled since it was more than big enough for all of us to fit in.

I called the hotel and told them I had other arrangements so they wouldn't need to send a car for my family. We arrived at the airport with enough time before the plane arrived to find a parking place and make it back to the terminal near the baggage pickup by the time the plane was on the ground and made it to the gate. Since trying to get through security would have been difficult at best we waited by the baggage pickup that said it was for their flight.

When the bags started coming out on the conveyor I spotted Tiffany's bag and pulled it off followed quickly by Lindsey's and Angela's. I kept watching for Andrea's and Marc's, but never saw either of them before I was almost tackled by Angela and Marc.

"I see you have all our bags already," Tiffany said coming up behind me and wrapping her arms around me wanting me to turn and give her a kiss.

I gave her a kiss and nodded I had pulled all but Marc and Andrea's bags because I hadn't seen either of them yet.

"Care to tell me the name our little guy is using?" I asked.

"Marie. I didn't think you would mind and it was her idea," Tiffany said.

"I see Kathy's bag, as well as Jesse's so I'm guessing they should be here shortly," I asked.

"I guess Kathy booked rooms for all your sisters when she booked our rooms," Tiffany said.

"I guess we can see if the hotel has a car here that can take some of us unless someone rented a car," I said.

"Kathy said she book a rental car for us, but it would be tomorrow before it would be available," Tiffany said.

I saw all four of my sisters headed toward us and started laughing since Niki had Judy with her and Nancy had her boyfriend with her. Jennifer was walking on Kathy's right and Jesse was on Kathy's left. When Jesse saw me she started running just as the kids had done wrapping her arms around me so tight I almost couldn't breathe.

"I'm glad to see you too sis, but I would like to breathe if it isn't too much trouble," I said.

Jesse eased her hug and I leaned back so I could see in her eyes.

"Are you alright Jesse?" I asked.

"It felt like you abandoned us," Jesse said.

I tightened the hug a little to let her know I would never abandon her again.

I felt Jesse tense and saw Uncle Brian and Aunt Gwen standing close by.

"You remember Uncle Brian and Aunt Gwen?" I asked.

I saw both Kathy and Jesse scrunch their noses trying to remember, while Niki and Nancy both gave me a blank look.

"I wouldn't expect either of you to remember since it has been almost twenty years since any of us have seen Uncle Brian and Aunt Gwen," I said.

"I forgot we even had any aunts and uncles," Kathy said.

Jesse stood there looking lost in thought.

"Uncle Brian, Aunt Gwen, I don't know if you remember my twin sister Kathy, Jesse our oldest sister and these two kids are Niki and Nancy our baby sisters," I introduced.

"You've all gotten so big since the last time we saw any of you," Aunt Gwen said, echoed by Uncle Brian.

"I don't think we have room for everyone, and from what you said Alexandra I thought it was only going to be your spouse and children," Uncle Brian said.

"I didn't know everyone else was coming until next week, since Kathy didn't tell me when she book the flights and hotel," I said giving Kathy a dirty look.

"Because your the only one who can handle Jesse if a problem comes up, I booked us all on the same flight as Tiffany and the kids, since there was room on both the flight and at the hotel," Kathy said.

Uncle Brian gave Kathy a dirty look for the comment she made about Jesse, but didn't say anything.

Andrea and Lindsey both grabbed their suitcases and I grabbed Angela's, Tiffany grabbed hers and Alexander grabbed Marie's leaving Jesse to carry her own unless Uncle Brian was willing to carry it for her.

When Uncle Brian reached to pickup Jesse's suitcase Jesse started to have a fit and I gave her a dirty look letting her know I wouldn't tolerate her nonsense. She let Uncle Brian take her suitcase and we headed for the door leaving Kathy, Niki and Nancy to fend for themselves. I offered to give them enough to take a couple cabs if there wasn't a hotel shuttle, only to have Kathy tell me she made sure to draw enough cash out to take care of things like cabs if needed.

Uncle Brian offered to take us to the hotel first if we wanted and I said if he would rather go back home I could get enough cabs for us when we were ready to head for the hotel, earning me a dirty look.

"I promised Alex I'd show him some of the training I've had and as much as I know Tiffany, Jesse and the kids would love to get cleaned up I think Andrea and Lindsey would rather have me work with them on their lessons and the hotel just doesn't have room," I said.

Alexander looked excited, but seemed more interested in talking to Andrea and Lindsey than me. I smiled since he seemed to be about the same age as Andrea.

We left all the luggage in the car since Uncle Brian said he wouldn't think of us calling for cabs to get us back to the hotel.

Alexander headed out back as soon as he was out of the van and almost dragged Andrea and Lindsey with when it seemed they were going to wait for me.

"Who is that young man that seems so interested in Andrea?" Tiffany asked.

"If my guess is right about who Andrea's birth mother is, he is someone who I would never give permission to date Andrea. He's my cousin," I said.

"And you think Jesse is Andrea's birth mother?" Tiffany asked.

"Don't you see how much alike Andrea and Jesse are? We were told Jesse's baby died at birth, but Andrea is the right age to be Jesse's baby," I said.

"I guess we better go out there with them before they do something they shouldn't then," Tiffany said.

"I doubt we need to worry much about that for now, but it might not be a bad idea to keep an eye on them," I said.

Uncle Brian and Aunt Gwen wanted to spend a little time with Angela and Marie, and Tiffany said she would stay with them since it seemed the older kids all wanted me to teach them martial arts and her knowledge wasn't any better than Andrea and Lindsey already.

I headed out with the kids and Jesse followed.

I stood there watching as my girls were doing their moves and Alex tried to keep up with them. Lindsey faltered a little, but picked right back up and continued on. Alex looked exhausted by the time the girls stopped and I smiled since the only problem I had seen was when Lindsey faltered.

"You girls seem to be getting a lot more comfortable. How would you feel about adding a couple more moves that are a little more advanced?" I asked.

"Can we rest a little first mom?" Andrea asked.

"Alex how long have you been teaching them?" Alexander asked.

"It's been about a month hasn't it girls?" I asked.

"It was the day after we told Mr and Mrs Phillips I was going to live with you. I guess that's about a month," Andrea said.

"You mean you learned all that in one month?" Alexander asked.

"The moves are easy compared to finding balance. Mom said not to think about the moves, but to just let our bodies do what they already know," Lindsey said.

"Alex if you are ever going to be good with martial arts the moves need to be second nature, and if you practice the same moves in the same pattern each time it will make you predictable, and that will give your opponent an advantage over you. You watched the girls going through their moves and mixing them up so the move they were doing next was a surprise to you. You've been learning this for longer than either of them, yet I would bet they are ahead of you in their abilities since they are learning more than just the moves," I said.

"I'm not sure I understand," Alexander said.

"Watch me and see if you can follow what I'm doing," I said.

I started into my workout routine starting with the basic moves going through them several times mixing up the order I did them in and moved into a few more advanced moves mixing them with the basic moves mixing them up so no two moves followed each other more than once. After what seemed only moments to me I finally came to the end of my workout having done each move several times.

"That was beautiful," Alexander said.

"I know a lot of the moves I made you've never seen before, but by the time you reach black belt you should know most of them," I said.

I looked around and saw everyone sitting around watching me.

"How long did it take you to learn all that?" Uncle Brian asked.

"I took martial arts after I started college. It took me six years to gain my doctorate in law and pass the bar. During that six years I also achieved two masters belts in martial arts and worked a full-time job. Tiffany could probably tell you how often I was in our room better than I can," I said.

"I take it you were roommates in college?" Aunt Gwen asked.

"Neither Alex nor I could afford the cost of having our own room so went together on a room. All our other roommates had their own room, but we shared a room. In the six years Alex was there about the only time she was ever in our room was when she was so worn out she couldn't go any longer. The first night she actually slept in the room she was having nightmares that woke me up. All I could think to do was lay down with her and wrap her in my arms hoping whatever was causing the nightmares would ease. Almost instantly she calmed down and every time after that if her nightmares woke me I did the same thing. All any of us knew was Alex almost never slept and when she did her sleep was always fitful unless I was holding her," Tiffany said.

"Do you still have the nightmares?" Uncle Brian asked.

"She's finally willing to share what those nightmares are and they aren't nearly as bad now. But she still doesn't get much sleep," Tiffany said.

"Uncle Brian, Aunt Gwen, before you ask please don't, there are enough of us sitting here right now that would rather not talk about this then you might imagine. With any luck we will all be able to overcome the nightmares, but talking about what causes them is not easy and soon enough we will need to do just that publicly," I said.

"What caused them is why you learned martial arts isn't it?" Alexander asked.

"I'm sorry Alex, but I won't answer that question," I said.

"I didn't mean anything by asking," Alexander said.

"Tell me Alex, why do you want to learn martial arts?" I asked.

"I... there were some guys at school giving me a really bad time. I figured if I could learn to defend myself maybe they wouldn't pick on me anymore," Alexander said.

"Show me what you know. I want to see your full routine not just the few moves I saw earlier," I said.

He started doing his routine, and I saw Lindsey and Andrea both start laughing. I threw a star in their direction and they both watched along with me, Andrea bringing my star back over to me.

"I'm sorry mom I didn't mean to laugh, but watching him was like watching Angela and Marie doing their little dance when we're practicing," Andrea said.

"Alex, your reason is as good as any, but I'm not sure you really want to learn from watching you. Your moves are stiff and it seems you have to think about what it is your doing before you do it. To really learn martial arts the moves need to be second nature. If you have to think about them they become ineffective. Try something for me. Do what you did before but this time don't think about it. Relax and think of something nice. I saw you have a cat around here perhaps think about the crazy things you've seen the cat do, anything that will bring a smile and break the need to think about what your body is doing. You know the moves you've practiced them countless times, so trust your body with what it knows and just let it happen," I said.

He took his starting stance and started again, each move mechanical until Andrea started doing the moves with him. I saw him relax matching her move for move, until they reached the end of the workout he knew. Andrea didn't stop and he kept going as well going back through the moves this time mixing them up turning what they were doing into a dance.

Alex looked so much better now that he was relaxed. His moves were crisper cleaner and more natural. He was smiling and Andrea started doing some of the more advanced moves I had shown her and Alex keep with her never missing a beat. By the time they had gone through the moves three times Andrea stopped and Alex had a sheen of sweat covering him.

"Did you feel the difference?" I asked.

"It seemed easier, but I think we were doing some moves my sensei hasn't shown me," Alexander said.

"If the routine you showed me before Andrea joined you was what your sensei taught you, then you did several moves I have taught Andrea, but you haven't learned yet. With my girls I am teaching them at their speed not the speed of others who are less capable or more capable. Within a year both my oldest daughters should be equivalent to a second dan black belt, if they can keep the same interest in learning they have shown so far," I said.

"Why was it easier when Andrea was working out with me?" Alexander asked.

"Because you relaxed. You weren't trying to compete with her, but learn from her. Alex, Andrea is not someone you can have anything more than friendship with, she is family," I said.

Uncle Brian gave me a look I didn't know how to interpret. It was like he hadn't noticed anything but friendship in the actions of Alex toward Andrea.

"Alexandra can we talk," Aunt Gwen said.

It was obvious whatever she wanted to talk about she wanted to keep private so I stood and followed her into the house.

"Alex I'm not sure I understand your last comment to my son. He didn't seem to do more than show friendship toward Andrea," Aunt Gwen said.

"I'm sorry if I said something wrong. Aunt Gwen I know you aren't aware of many of the things our part of the family has been through, and I'm not sure I can explain so you can understand. Tiffany understands a little because before we became engaged I was hoping she would be able to help me through the part of my life that caused the nightmares I have. After one visit with her we both knew she would never be able to counsel me, but some of the people she is associated with could. The nightmares have started intruding into my waking hours and I wasn't sure I was strong enough any longer to prevent them from overwhelm me and doing to me what they did to Jesse. Jesse trusts me because I earned her trust, because I was able to do what she knew she couldn't do, and protect Kathy, Niki and Nancy, so they would never have to go through what we did," I said.

"I really don't understand now. Alex it sounds like you and Jessica were abused, and very badly abused at that," Aunt Gwen said.

Until I was eight years old I was able to be who I wanted to be. Mom and dad accepted me as the girl I said I was. You probably remember that better than I do. Then that religion came into our home and everything changed. David started making fun of me because I said I was a girl, and rather than mom and dad standing up for me they told me I needed to be who everyone said I should be. I wasn't allowed to dress in dresses or play with dolls any longer. Because I refused to be who everyone said I was supposed to be dad started spanking me any time he caught me playing with Jesse and Kathy. When the spankings didn't stop me he resorted to something even darker. He let the people of that religion tell him if I couldn't conform he should start treating me the way they thought all women should be treated, and dad started taking me to meetings he had at the church. I was eight years old when it started, and eighteen years old when I was finally strong enough to stop it. When I went off to college I feared what had been done to Jesse and I would be done to Kathy and Niki as well so almost didn't go unless Kathy promised me she would let me know if David or dad ever tried taking her or Niki to one of those meetings."

"That was a promise she didn't keep, but I didn't know she didn't keep it for several years after the fact. About two and a half years ago David with the help of that religion was finally able to get me out of the way, or thought they had. I changed my name from Alexander Kevin to Alexandra Kate. And before I made it out of the courthouse was arrested for the murder of Alexander Kevin DeMay. I spent the next two years locked up with men. I was convicted and sentenced to life without parole for a crime that never happened. The last two weeks I was in prison I was in solitary for my own protection so they said. I gave up. I couldn't protect my sisters. And had no one to even talk too. It was my first attempt at suicide, but not my last," I said.

"Alex... how the hell did something like that happen? I can't imagine what you've been through and how alone you must have felt," Aunt Gwen said.

"My last suicide attempt was the day David died. I hadn't been out of prison long, maybe two months. He and some of his friends kidnapped Niki and my last fiancé's sister and tied them to beds in our home. I disabled David's friends and when the police tried arresting David he got one of their guns and fired one shot at me. I didn't think about it I just tossed one of my throwing stars. I told David I would kill him so many times, and so many people knew I told him. When the star left my hand I knew David was dead. I hadn't missed my target in years when throwing my stars. I slid to the floor and looked over at my fiancée and saw fear in his eyes and didn't want anyone to ever have to be afraid of me again so took another of my stars and cut my arms from wrist to elbow just wanting all the pain to end. I loved someone who feared me and could protect my sisters so what reason did I have to live. I've been fighting a battle I never asked for against people who according to society were leaders of high moral character, and there was never anyone to help, or at least that was how is seemed," I said.

"You still fight trying to find a reason to live don't you?" Aunt Gwen asked.

"I have more than enough reason to live now. I have those four beautiful children that call me mom. I have all my sisters who have shown me so much love in the last six months. Jesse told me it was because of me she survived through what was done to us. I have Tiffany who loves me as much as I love her. I have so much to live for now, and those who did their damnedest to destroy me are now facing prison and should be incapable of ever doing to anyone else what they did to me and my family. Again more than enough reason to live," I said.

I needed to get everyone back to the hotel and I was starting to worry about Jesse. Uncle Brian looked so much like dad, I was afraid she might have trouble realizing he wasn't dad. I knew she paid almost as much attention to Tiffany as she did me so wasn't as concerned as if it were Kathy, Niki or Nancy here watching her while I was talking to Aunt Gwen, but still worried.

"Aunt Gwen I know you have a lot more questions, but I'm worried about Jesse. Back home there are very few men she needs to deal with and because it was mostly men who hurt her it isn't a good idea right now for me to leaved her alone for long where there are men," I said.

I walked back out where everyone else was and found Jesse, Andrea, Lindsey, Tiffany, and Alexander all going through their forms. Uncle Brian seemed content to watch Angela and Marie, letting them dance around dragging him with.

I watched as everyone did their dance and threw three stars in quick succession stacking them just as I did at home. Uncle Brian and Alexander both jumped when the first one hit the target, but everyone else continued on as though nothing happened.

"I take it they're use to you doing something like that?" Uncle Brian asked.

"Not really, at least Jesse and Tiffany aren't, Andrea and Lindsey jumped the first couple times I threw stars while they worked out, but know the chances of them getting hit by a star I throw is almost as close to none as them getting hit by them when they're locked in my desk," I said.

"But none of them jumped," Uncle Brian said.

"I've never given them reason to fear me, and believe me they all know how dangerous I can be," I said.

"Since you learned martial arts you've never been beaten, have you?" Uncle Brian asked.

"Most people aren't willing to give up their own life if that's what it takes to win. I've seen you look at the scars on my arms more than once. For the record they are self inflicted, and before you ask I don't have a problem with Aunt Gwen telling you why. Every time I fight I do so to protect what is most important to me, and if the only way I can win is to risk my own life, it is a price I'm willing and ready to pay," I said.

I looked over at all my girls and saw they knew it was time to leave.

"Uncle Brian, I'm sure we've all enjoyed the time shared with your family. From what I've seen of Alex, he can be one of the best in martial arts. I don't know if he will ever reach the level I have, but hopefully he'll never need to fight the way I have. There was a time my family was as close as yours appears to be, but that time was so long ago my baby sisters have no memories of it and Kathy, Jesse and I don't remember it all that well. If there is any chance of you taking us over to the hotel it is time we go so Jesse, Tiffany, Andrea, Lindsey, Angela, and Marie can all get cleaned up before we have dinner and try getting some rest. I know the next week or two for Jesse, Andrea and I are going to be anything but pleasant, since we'll all need to recall some memories we would all give anything to forget," I said.

"I guess your trying to tell me it's time to go. Alex I do have one question, you don't need to answer but I hope you will. If my memory serves you always answered to the name Karen didn't you?" Uncle Brian asked.

"Uncle Brian, I'm hoping you'll allow me to get through what I'm here for before answering that question. If you haven't figured out the answer before I go back home I am willing to share, but for now I would rather not talk about those kinds of things, holding onto reality right now is hard enough," I said.

When we arrived at the hotel Kathy met us in the lobby trying to get to me before Heather did. I saw Heather walking toward me and sent everyone else to the registration desk and waited for Heather, nodding for Kathy to assist everyone else in getting checked in.

"Your a hard person to catch up with. It was my understand you were going to be here this morning," Heather said taking the last couple steps.

"I did get here this morning, but got antsy sitting in the room so went for a walk. I ran into a bunch of kids that were trying to have fun at the expense of others so had a talk with them and found out one of them was a cousin I didn't know I had. Other than going to the airport to meet everyone when they got here, I've spent the day with an uncle I barely remember," I said.

"So you have family here?" Heather asked.

"It seems so. Heather after the abuse started none of our extended family was ever around other than grandparents and even they weren't around long after it started. I didn't know, or I guess I should say I don't remember much about my parents brothers and sisters. I guess they had brothers and sisters, but I really don't remember any of them," I said.

"I wanted to let you know the jury has been selected, and opening statements are scheduled to start the first of the week and depending on the defense will take the first week if necessary. I have you slated to testify first, and am still working on making arrangements for Andrea to testify in a closed session with just the lawyers judge and jury present. If I can't get that I won't call on her to testify. I have gotten permission for you to be present when Jessica testifies," Heather said.

"You want to go over your opening statement with me to find out what I think? Heather I'm sorry, but I can't play any role in this trial aside from helping my sister and daughter give their statement, and I think Tiffany would be the better choice when it comes to Andrea's testimony. Andrea trusts her and they have been working together to help Andrea over come what was done to her. I'm still struggling to keep that part of my life in a place it doesn't do to me what it did to Jesse," I said.

"You don't think you can maintain your objectivity?" Heather asked.

"I don't think I should even have to try, at least not until after I've testified. I know I will need to in order to help Jesse with her testimony, but right now it's all I can do just to try keeping a semblance of sanity before I testify. I just hope I can keep that semblance beyond my testimony," I said.

"I talked to Dr Stromberg and he said he will be here when you and Jesse testify. I know what I'm asking is hard and I do understand your not wanting to take any part in this until you have too. I was hoping to bounce things off you, but I won't risk you needlessly and if you feel you can't I'll respect that," Heather said.

"Heather you understand what happened between William and I, don't you?" I asked.

"William will get over what happened or he won't. He has already been informed there won't be any charges filed against you for what happened, but I did get the feeling he still intends to sue you. As for understanding, I haven't got a clue," Heather said.

"When I was stabbed in the mall I was checked in as Alexandra Pratt. I know William did that, and I was somewhat put out at his arrogance in doing so. He also threatened the men who kept a lookout over my room if they wouldn't let him in. I guess the final straw was when I asked to talk to him alone and after we talked, I got up to let my sisters and children know it was alright to come back in and he sat there not making any attempt to help even when I almost collapsed getting back to the bed. The reason he came out to my house that day was because I refused to talk to him, and told both those men if push came to shove and he tried pressing charges against them for breaking into my home I would deny they had broken in and were in fact invited guests. I told him he wasn't welcome and wouldn't be welcome in my life as long as he thought he could control my life. He also tried teaching my children martial arts in a way other than I was doing which confused them and made teaching them harder," I said.

Heather tried to give me a file and said she hoped I would read it and suggest any corrections I thought might help. I knew what it was, and really did want to read it, but couldn't reach out and take it.

"Heather I can't. I believe in your ability to do what's right and if I become involved in this beyond what I've offered it could prejudice the trial and they might walk away and be able to start doing what they have all over again. I can't risk that. I won't risk that. Right now the only hope I have is they everyone of them spend the remainder of their lives behind bars where they can never again have a chance of destroying someones life. Even then I don't know if I will ever again be whole. If I'll ever be able to trust the way I did before what they did to me. It might do worse to me if they get off because I offer more than I've offered, than what they did to Jesse. I'm sorry Heather I just..." I fell silent hoping she understood the conflict I was going through.

"You need to know reporters will be allowed in the courtroom. They won't be allowed cameras or recording devices aside from paper and pen," Heather said.

"I wish they would be. I wish the world could know first hand what so many have suffered at the hands of those monsters. I wish I knew my testimony were going to be shown publicly in full accuracy. I also wish I didn't have to share any of what those monsters did to me or anyone. I wish my sister could have grown up into the beautiful woman she was starting to become. I want the world to know how those monsters destroyed her life and the life of her twin brother. Even David was a victim of those people, and the world needs to know," I said.

"Alex do you have any idea what your saying?" Heather asked.

"I think so. I know this being made public could destroy me, my sister, and possibly my oldest daughter, but it staying hidden could destroy a lot more people by allowing others to do the same thing these people did. By this being made public even if by some weird chance they get off, the chances of them ever being able to hurt others like they did my family, will be far less then if they get off, and the whole thing is kept quiet," I said.

Heather continued holding the folder out wanting me to take it, so I turned and started toward the elevator.

"Alex," Heather said and waited for me to turn. "I'm afraid for you. I'm afraid of what this whole thing has done to you. I promise to do the best I can for you and your family, and I'll do everything I can to insure this isn't buried were no one can find out what they did," Heather said.

I turned back to the elevator and waited for the doors to open.

## Chapter 49

The trial started and I avoided everything about it waiting for the call from Heather to let me know when I would need to be at the courthouse to testify. I spent more time with Alexander and even met with his sensei.

"Sensei, I wish you to meet my cousin Alexandra DeMay," Alexander introduced me.

I think Alexander expected me to bow as he did when greeting his sensei, but when his sensei saw me he bowed very low and said "Master I did not ever hope to see you again."

"You honor me," I said.

"It is you who honor us master. We are not worthy," the sensei said.

Alexander looked at me totally confused.

"Alex will you join your class please," the sensei said.

"I didn't expect to meet anyone who would know me here," I said.

"I think your cousin knows some of the stories I tell are about you," the sensei said.

"Really! Was I really that interesting?" I asked.

"I was wondering if you would honor us with a demonstration?" the sensei asked.

"I wish I would have brought my daughters with now, I think your students would rather see someone closer to their own level demonstrating than someone like me," I said.

"I would ask you show them through a sparing match, but we don't have anyone here even close to your ability," the sensei said.

"I guess I could do a workout since I haven't been very good at working out lately. I notice you are trying to teach Alex to use throwing stars. If you have somewhere set up I could show them how they can be used," I said.

"Do you have your own stars or I think Alex might have a set here if you don't," the sensei said.

"I haven't used throwing stars that aren't sharpened in so long I doubt I could even get them to stick in the target, and I do have my own though if any of your students wanted some like them they would need to be able to make them," I said.

"It sounds like you've gone well beyond any of the rest of us from back then," the sensei said.

"I finally found my balance, something I don't think our sensei even tried teaching the rest of you. He taught me balance because I was so far out of balance even the basics seem beyond me," I said.

The class was lined up when we entered the studio and I smiled thinking back to when I first started my training and would line up as these kids were.

"We have a special guest today, someone who started their martial arts training when I was still learning. This person seemed so awkward when they first started and I was already a black belt, but today this person is more than a match for any of us, or I suspect all of us they went though training with. Everyone I want you to meet martial arts master Alexandra DeMay," the sensei introduced.

I watched all the students look from me to Alexander and back before giving their bow of respect and bowed without giving indication of having seen the look of confusion in their faces.

"Your sensei is to gracious in his praise. When I started my training he was one of the few who never gave me a bad time because of how difficult it was for me at first. He has asked if I would be willing to show a demonstration of what is possible, but before I do I would like to ask each of you a couple questions. There is one of you I will pass on since I have already had the chance of asking these questions. I would like each of you to tell the reason you wish to learn martial arts? For me the reason was simple and my sensei almost rejected me because he wasn't sure he would ever be able to help me. The second question is how far in the training do you want to go?" I asked.

Each of the students looked off into space as though the answers to my questions were written somewhere only they could see.

I took out a couple of my throwing stars and tossed them at the target against one wall of the studio. Even the sensei jumped when the first star hit the target, which was what I thought would happen, but hoped wouldn't.

As they each started looking around I stepped in front of them giving a slight bow and waiting for an acknowledging bow in return.

"I want to be able to defend myself if the need should ever arise. I am hoping to at least achieve a black belt," the first student said.

As I walked down the line they each gave similar answers. I stepped in front of the sensei hoping he would answer the questions as well.

"When I started I was hoping for the same as most of these students have said. It wasn't until you joined the dojo I discovered my reason wasn't exactly the best," the sensei said.

"Would you care to share the reason I gave or would you prefer I do so?" I asked.

"If you don't mind," the sensei said.

"For a month I went into the dojo and talked with the sensei before he would finally accept me as a student. Each time I went in he would ask me why I wanted to learn martial arts. And each time I gave him the same answer. I wanted to learn martial arts because I wanted to learn to bring balance into my life, something I didn't have for reasons I refused to share with anyone. Even when I had achieved the highest belt he could award I wanted to learn more and he was able to find a master willing to come in and continue my training. The first question the master asked was why I wanted to know martial arts, and seemed skeptical when I gave him the same answer. The masters response was that to find balance you have to first know yourself. If you ever hope to achieve your goal of gaining a black belt and be able to defend yourselves and those you love the first thing you need to learn is balance between mind and body, something you all seem to lack including your sensei since you all jumped at the sound of something you didn't know. When your mind and body are in balance you become aware of what is around you," I said.

"You threw something didn't you?" one of the students asked.

"You tell me. Tell me what it was if you know and where it is if you believe I threw something," I said.

Alexander walked over to the target I had thrown at and gasped at how how many stars there were and how close together they were.

"Can you do this all the time?" Alexander asked.

I stood there waiting for the other students to see what it was Alexander was asking.

"I remember when Alex started with the training of stars, sword and nunchaku like many of you she couldn't hit her target nor could she get them to stick in anything, it looks like that problem with the stars is gone and I'm guessing your sword skills are equal to this?" the sensei asked.

"As sharp as my stars are my sword is sharper. A feather dropped on the blade doesn't slow on its way to the ground but is in two pieces where before it was one. In martial arts to be able to carry sharpened stars and sword as sharp as mine, you have to have mastered the training. If you haven't mastered the training you will never know how to get the edge I have on my sword and stars. I do ask none of you try removing those stars because you could cut yourselves doing so," I said walking over to the target and pulling my stars.

I set out the stars I had thrown so each of them could see them and heard several of them comment about how much like butterflies they looked, one student asking where they could get some like them.

"To answer you question of where you can find some like these, you can't these where designed by me and cut out by a friend with a laser cutter at a cost few can afford. I have spent the last ten years putting the cutting edge on them," I said.

One of the students reached out to touch them and had a star embedded right next to their hand before it touched my star.

"I've started carrying several stars at all times due to some trouble surrounding my family. I'm sorry Alex while you are family you aren't the family I mean. I arrived in town a couple days ago and have been working with Alex, or I guess I should say Alex has been working with my daughters as they learn martial arts," I said.

All the students looked at Alex again this time looking for any resemblance we might share.

"Alex is my cousin I never met until a few days ago, and never really heard any stories about until after we finally met," Alexander said.

"You've all heard me talk about the master I know and some of the things that master did," the sensei said.

"Those were about Alex?" Alexander asked.

"Alex is the only person I've ever seen go to college full-time while holding down a full-time job. And take martial arts training, and not only do well in all three, but excel in all three. I'm sorry Alex, I don't know what you majored in, but I do remember hearing about how little time you had for anything at the time," the sensei said.

"I graduated with a doctorate in law and if you ask everyone I've met since, I aced the bar exam my first time. To understand why it seems everyone thinks I am able to walk on water you need to understand to gain a doctorate in law usually means twelve years of college and I did it in six," I said.

Even Alexander seemed surprised at that revelation.

The student that reached for my star gave me a look of hate I hadn't seen since the day David tied Niki and Erica to beds in mine and Marc's home.

"Hate like you're showing will only serve to give your opponent an advantage," I said.

"If you are who you say you are, your nothing but a murderer," the student said.

"And your hoping for revenge? If someone I've killed is a relative of yours I'm sorry, but I have only ever killed someone in self defense," I said.

"You killed your own brother in cold blood. The accuracy you showed here says you could have disabled him without killing him," the person said.

"Your right I probably could have, except he had already fired one shot at me and was ready to fire another. I threw that star in reaction to having been shot at and at the time was thinking only of not letting him get another shot off. If you look at my arms you'll see scars going from my wrists to my elbows that happened that same day. After I let that star fly I saw fear in the faces of every other person in that room. The last thing I've ever wanted was to have someone fear me, because I know what its like to be afraid," I said.

"Yet you've done everything you can to make sure people do fear you," they said.

"Since I was eight years old I did everything I could to protect my sisters. You can't imagine the things I had to do, the kind of things people I was told I should trust did to me and if I wasn't strong enough would have done to my sisters. When I left for college I did so knowing my sisters would be in danger of those people and what they were capable of. I completed college in six years in hopes of being able to get back to my younger sisters before what those people did to me and my oldest sister were able to destroy my younger sisters. I was so far out of balance the world I lived in was a shell of reality, nothing like what most people understand. I'm in this town right now because of the up coming federal trial. I'm not here as a lawyer and wouldn't represent any of those facing federal charges, not even for a jaywalking ticket, if they ever got one. Those people as far as I am concerned are the lowest form of life there is, and I'm here to do all I can to insure they pay the harshest penalty possible for the crimes they've committed," I said.

"If you aren't here as a lawyer how can you do that?" someone asked.

"Because I was a victim of those people for ten years, until I was finally big enough and strong enough to stop them without putting my sisters at risk. I'm here to testify to what those people are capable of. They abused me for ten years as a child and they took advantage of my knowledge of the law when I returned home after college. What they didn't know is I wouldn't do what they wanted as a lawyer anymore than I would bow to their perversion as a person any longer. They even went so far as to charge me with a false crime and put on a circus trial and send me to prison to try getting me out of the way. Yet here I am ready to tell everything I know about them and their nature. It was the work I did after college that gave the government enough to arrest and hold without bail those at the top of the organization," I said.

I picked up my stars tucking them away turning for the door. This kid had no idea what he was up against wanting to seek revenge against me, and I didn't need the problems that letting him have his attempt at revenge might cause.

I heard a noise behind me and turned in time to see a throwing star coming at me and rather than catching it stepped out of its way letting one of my stars go at the same time.

I heard my star hit soft tissue and had another star ready in case the first didn't stop the attack.

I walked slowly back into the dojo and saw the boy with so much anger clutching his arm while someone else was tying a belt around the wound to stop the bleeding.

"Alex I didn't know he had any of those on him." the sensei said.

"If that star isn't taken out of that wound you'll never get the bleeding to stop. He's lucky he isn't dead," I said.

The belt was taken back off his arm and I reached in taking my star so they could put the belt back on and slow the bleeding.

"How? You couldn't have known. I never miss and you made it so easy," the boy said.

"Because my life is in balance I knew where everything was around me. I could hear it and was able to get out of its path. If your life were in balance you would have let me walk away, but you let anger control you and now you've seen what a master in martial arts can do. I didn't want this, but you gave me no choice. If I had simply moved so the first one missed you would have thrown more until I either disabled you or killed you. To say you never miss isn't accurate because you did miss, you didn't know your opponent, and don't understand balance," I said.

I knelt down and bowed my head to the boy.

"Unless you can find balance and move past the anger you will never be all that is possible. If someone you care for died at my hand it was because they came on my property with the intent of killing either me, or one of my sisters, or children. I didn't seek the trouble that has come my way, but I won't run from it either. I will do all I can to protect those I love, and if given the chance will walk away rather than fight," I said.

I stood again and walked out of the dojo wondering how much longer before this nightmare would finally be over. How many more people would be hurt because of a religion that never should have been. The toll on my family alone was higher than it should have been, yet I knew there were other families hurt even worse.

"Alex?" the sensei of this dojo said.

"How can you teach something you don't understand?" I asked.

"That's just it Alex, I can't teach what you know and I could never understand," he said.

"If you want to learn balance you need to work on it. You have good memories don't you? You have people who love you, don't you? If you can't find balance either through memories or love it is because you refuse both. I never though I was lovable, there were a lot of people who told me they loved me, but I had to learn I was worthy to be loved. What I suffered as a child told me I would never be worthy of love, almost every religion out there told me and others we aren't worthy of love. To me my sisters were worthy of love because they were whole, and I wasn't worthy of love because I was broken. I'm not broken any longer and the real struggle for me was learning that I'm not broken," I said.

"I don't understand. You are probably the least broken person I know. I don't know the hell you talk about having lived through. For all I know I never could have survived it, I'm guessing there are others who didn't," he said.

"Do you know what my legal name was when we first met?"

"Alexandra Kate DeMay, wasn't it? I know that was what you told everyone it was," he said.

"It is my legal name now, but when we met my legal name was Alexander Kevin DeMay. From my earliest memories I always knew I was female, but unlike my sisters I was different, I was like my brother in body," I said.

"Alex I never would have guessed. So because you knew you were female yet had a male body you were broken?" he asked.

"Every religion I know of says people like me are broken, because according to them we can't exist. Because I refused to accept I was supposed to be male when I was eight years old I was abused both physically and sexually. As long as I believed I was broken I could be strong enough to protect my sisters. If I let those people break me they would have used my sisters the way they did me. When I was eleven my oldest sister was dragged into the nightmare by her twin brother. I almost broke the day she was dragged into it, but I still had two sisters at home. My twin sister and my baby sister, or so everyone believed. In actuality I still had three sisters at home. The baby of the family was transgender. My parents had three sets of twins first was Jessica and David, then there was me and my sister Kathy, last was Niki and Nancy, who back then was Neal," I said.

"Alex I wish I understood better, but I have a feeling what your saying will take more time than we have at the moment. I know there is a reason you feel you need to leave, and if that reason is Josh, please everyone in there saw what happened. You could have thrown that star to kill, but you didn't," he said.

"The reason I need to leave is I just got a text message telling me I'm needed at the courthouse. Something is happening and it seems my sister and daughter may not need to testify. I need to find out because if there is any chance of sending those people away without them testifying it will make it so much easier for them to over come what they suffered," I said as a car pulled up stopping as though waiting for me.

I looked in the car and back at the man who when I started martial arts training made fun of me the first few classes, but if anyone else tried showed why he was the head of the class.

"I really do need to go and this is my ride. Alex knows how to get in touch with me while I'm here, and I intend to let his parents know how to get in touch with me when I go back home. If you ever need someone to help I'm willing to help, but I can't always be here at a moments notice. I have a law practice to run and right now because I need to be here my associates are doing all they can by taking my cases until I can get back home," I said.

He turned and went back in the dojo while I slid in the car for the ride across town to the courthouse.

I headed for Heather's office when we arrived at the courthouse and was told she was in a meeting, but wanted to see me as soon as her meeting was over. I picked up a magazine and started flipping through the pages seeing article after article of advertisements for beauty supplies that were supposed to enhance the natural features of the person while hiding the flaws that detracted from a persons external beauty, or so the ads claimed.

The memories of the makeup I was forced to wear, back when, came flooding back with each new ad in the magazine. I closed the magazine setting it back on the small table and picked up another magazine that showed women in swimsuits that no one could possibly wear swimming, and set it back on the table.

"They're all pretty much the same, but they are the ones we have," Heather said coming out and seeing the disgust I had for the reading material available.

I turned and stared at her wondering if she understood why those magazines were so offensive to me.

"Alex I need to talk to you about what you would be willing to accept in a plea bargain," Heather asked.

"If it doesn't come with a lot of jail time and public acknowledgement of the abuse they committed I don't want to accept any kind of plea bargain," I said.

"Let me show you what they're offering and maybe together we can come up with something that will be more acceptable. Alex as it stands right now you are the main witness against these people. Your the only witness I have that can tie the abuse in with the contracts that show trafficking, and the only credible witness I have to show the abuse from your family. I don't know how it is your family was able to hold up when so many others couldn't, but among the other witnesses they are all saying nothing happened and refusing to testify any longer," Heather said.

"Their afraid, I understand that and believe me if it weren't for me, Jesse and Andrea would be terrified as well. Probably terrified enough they would refuse to testify. If these people are willing to plea bargain it is because they know there is little or nothing they can do about me. I proved to them years ago I wasn't willing to stretch the law for them and with all the threats they've made since this started they know I can't be scared off," I said.

We walking in an office that seemed small and cluttered, but I saw the clutter wasn't messy clutter just files that for the time were needed.

She handed me a file and as I read through it I started shaking with raw anger. I set the file down to reign in my anger so I could better think and she asked if there was something wrong.

"Is this whole file like what I've read so far?" I asked.

"With what's in that file, I wouldn't even consider accepting a plea bargain. To accept that would be less than a slap on the hand. They wouldn't have to acknowledge anything and once they served a short probation could start the abuse all over without anyone having a clue the depravity of their persons. I have no doubt some of the people we have would change, but not the ones this plea bargain would benefit. Those people will never change and need to be locked away from society. The big problem would be showing beyond a doubt they're the ones guilty of masterminding the whole thing," Heather said.

"How long do you have to come up with a counter offer?" I asked.

"We have until the first of the week, then we either take this to trial, or have an agreement we can all live with," Heather said.

"You aren't sure we can win through trial?" I asked.

"Alex I see a lot more people getting hurt by going to trial, people who might not have the strength to hold their shattered lives together," Heather said.

"You mean me. I don't know what Dr Stromberg has told you, but I can guess. Heather I want to show you something, before you decide to let this whole thing be covered over," I said.

She insisted I finish reading the file of the plea bargain before we went anywhere. I picked the file up again and this time read it through shaking as the full impact of what accepting something like this could mean. When I set the file down she asked again if we should make a counter proposal.

"Let me show you what I wanted to show you first. After you've seen this I'll let you decide whether, or not you should even consider something like this. I can tell you now those people will never agree to any kind of agreement I would feel satisfied with, and anything that would let those people be free again would destroy not only me and my family, but untold others," I said.

We headed to my uncles so I could show her what it was I felt she should see.

"For over fifteen years she was treated as her only value in life was as something to be used to satisfy the darkest perversions of those people. To look at her now it would be hard to tell, and yes I know she is still very fragile mentally, but she is getting better. When she first came to live with me she didn't trust men at all, now she loves spending time with our uncle and cousin. Jesse and Alex are working together to learn martial arts, and even boys as young as Alex abused her and she wanted no part of them," I said.

Heather watched Jesse and Alex working out and noticed Jesse laughing whenever Alex did something wrong and actually helped him physically to correct things. Uncle Brian would stand by watching and on occasion Jesse would sit next to him so they could talk.

Several of Alex's friends came over and at first Jesse shied away from them, but with Alex's encouragement it didn't take long and Jesse was right in the middle of the activity.

"From everything I've seen about your sister this doesn't even seem like the same person," Heather said.

"If those people get away with anything even close to what that file is asking the person in the reports you've read on my sister will be back only worse. I don't know if I'm strong enough to be able to hold myself together testifying against those people, but if there is a chance of Jesse being the person she was before those people I'm willing to destroy myself to see she gets that chance. My sisters are the whole reason I survived what they did to me, because I knew they wouldn't have been able too. Heather like I said I was broken my sisters weren't. Now I know that isn't true, but it was the only way back then. I've found my balance because I know now I am worthy to be loved. Back then I wasn't. I will survive because I know I am loved, and I know I'm loved because I know I'm worthy of being loved," I said.

"Thank you Alex, thank you for trusting me and helping me to understand," Heather said, giving me a hug.

"If I didn't know better Heather, I would think you're trying to make out with my better half," Tiffany said.

"As I recall there were many mornings the three of us found ourselves in the same bed with Alex in the middle," Heather said.

"As I recall we all said we would always love each other," Tiffany said.

"As I recall you both were doing things you knew I didn't approve of and tried hiding it from me," I said.

"So which one of them finally told you Alex?" Kathy asked.

"Both of them actually, but Tiffany did confess first. It wasn't until Heather told me I confronted the other two friends, and got them to tell me as well," I said.

Tiffany and Heather looked at each other since I had never said anything to any of them about how it was I knew.

I got Jesse's attention letting her know Heather and I needed to talk to her.

"Jesse, what would you be willing to accept if they were willing to plead guilty rather than going through a trial?" I asked.

"I'm not sure I understand," Jesse said.

"If they are willing to plead guilty rather than going through a very public trial what is the minimum sentence you would like to see them receive?" Heather asked.

"I still don't understand, but I would hate to think any of them didn't serve at least as long in jail as I did under their abuse. I want everyone to be able to know what they did to me and Alex, so they can't ever do something like that to anyone ever again," Jesse said.

"In other words a lot of jail time and public notice of the rape and abuse, and you would be ok with accepting a guilty plea in lieu of a trial?" Heather asked.

"I guess, Heather all I really want is that they can't ever hurt people like they did us, and hopefully that this will make it so it's harder for anyone to get away with what they did," Jesse said.

"Let me draw up a proposal and see if they'll bite. I agree with both of you their crimes should be made very public, and they should be made to pay a very heavy price for their crimes," Heather said.

## Chapter 50

I knew I was going to be called to the witness stand first, so headed for the courthouse after breakfast. Kathy assured me she would help Tiffany with the kids and Jessica, and said she hoped I wouldn't be all day.

I hated the idea of not having any of my stars with me, but if they decided to search me it would make things a lot more complicated if I tried getting in with them, and it wouldn't take that long to get back out to the car if I needed them.

"I didn't expect to see you here until I was ready to call for you," Heather said.

"I thought you would start calling your witnesses today," I said.

"I might, but I might not, since I haven't heard anything about the proposal I gave for a plea bargain," Heather said.

So either they rejected the offer of a plea bargain, or they thought they could delay things hoping to receive a better deal.

"Heather what are your plans once this is over?" I asked.

"I don't know. The Attorney General has offered to make me a lead prosecutor in this part of the country, I was kind of hoping to set up my own practice, but the cost of doing so is more than I have," Heather said.

"I know a law firm that would love to have you and be willing to make you a full partner from the start. In a way it would be your own practice only without the cost of getting started. As a partner the only catch would be helping out your fellow partners when needed," I said.

"Let me guess the names on the door now. The top name would be DeMay, followed by Jessup, and the current last full partner would be Cordell?" Heather asked.

"It wouldn't be anything to add Menes to the list," I said.

"I'll need to think about it, but I was hoping for something a little different. Something more like we had back in college," Heather said.

"So you think since DeMay is already on the door it can be for two of the lawyers working for the firm?" I asked.

"I don't think Tiffany would have a problem with that since we were all kind of sort of back then," Heather said.

"I suppose you would want a rock along the lines of the one she has?" I asked.

"We could talk about it later, for now we need to get this over with and see about making sure people like those on trial here are stopped," Heather said.

I found the cafeteria and got a cup of coffee letting Heather know if she needed me I would be somewhere in the courthouse and likely in the cafeteria. I brought my briefcase in so if I was going to be sitting around I would at least have something to do. I started going over the cases we had and hoped Allen and Brent were willing to follow the defense I laid out since it would show beyond a doubt our client wasn't guilty. We hadn't been able to do the research to prove who was guilty, but proving the innocence of our client was easily done using what was readily available from the original trials.

"DeMay, Jessup and Cordell," one of the para-legals answered.

"This is Alex, let me talk to either Allen or Brent," I said.

"How's it going Alex," Allen answered.

"Are you in your office alone?" I asked.

"Brent's here with me, we were just going over the second appeal," Allen said.

"How about shutting the door and putting me on speaker then," I said.

"Hello Alex. I'm guessing you want to talk to both of us," Brent said.

"This has nothing to do with the cases we have," I said.

"Does it have something to do with what happened back when we were at college?" Allen asked.

"In a way it does. You both know I know about what you were doing to pay your way through school. I want to know if you remember something that happened between two of my roommates and I?" I asked.

"You mean Tiffany and Heather both using your last name?" Brent asked.

"I know both of them worked for you, what none of you said was why they started using my name as if it were their own," I said.

"Alex do you remember the fake wedding. I don't remember who officiated, but it was the three of you getting married to each other. I believe you agreed simply because they were the ones you said helped you. I don't think any of us knew just how they helped, but it didn't matter. It was after that they both started using your name," Allen said.

"And neither of you had a problem with any of it?" I asked.

"Would it have made a difference if we did. If it hadn't been for you neither of us would have graduated when we did and I doubt seriously any of us cared one way or another. Tiffany and Heather both said they loved you, and I don't mean like a sister. They both would have done anything for you, and were both very upset when Professor Pratt gave you less than an 'A'," Brent said.

"How would you feel about Heather joining us once we get things here wrapped up?" I asked.

"From everything I've heard she's a better lawyer than either of us and probably only second to you," Allen said.

"She wants to use my name," I said

"Have you talked to Tiffany about it?" Brent asked.

"No I haven't. Tell me are they both still working for you on the side?" I asked.

"You'll have to ask them," Allen said.

"I guess I'll have to ask my sisters if the tattoos they have are yours as well?" I asked.

"Alex you know those tattoos don't mean what most people think they do," Brent said.

"That didn't answer my question Brent," I said.

"You already know the answer or you wouldn't have asked the question. Alex I have no idea how your able to piece together so much from so little, but it is fun watching," Allen said.

"Your both so helpful. It looks like someone is here looking for me so I'll talk to you later, and if this is what I'm guessing it is I'll be unavailable for most of the day," I said.

When I hung up the phone someone approached me letting me know I was needed in the courtroom and they were to escort me to insure I made it there.

There was a guard just outside the courtroom that checked my briefcase and purse letting me know I would get both back when I was done in the courtroom, but no one was allowed to take anything capable of hiding a weapon into the room even though to get this far everyone had to go through a check station with metal detectors.

I entered the courtroom and saw nothing like I expected. I walked toward the bench and was met by Heather.

"They accepted our deal, at least all but the top people in this case did," Heather said.

"It's the top people who need to be stopped the most. Without them the others likely wouldn't have been a problem to start with," I said.

"Counselor is this who we have been waiting for?" the judge asked.

"Yes your honor," Heather said taking my hand and leading me up to the bench. "Your honor Alexandra DeMay. She is single handedly the reason for the bulk of the evidence and the conditions of the plea bargain most of the defendants are willing to accept."

I stood there looking at nothing as the events of my life played out while I waited for the judge to acknowledge me.

"Ms DeMay you are aware of the conditions of the deal reached?" the judge asked.

"I'm aware the deal is supposed to contain a lot of jail time along with long probations and public acknowledgement of the crimes committed, or at least the most disgusting of the crimes," I said.

The judge scanned the papers containing the deal and nodded.

"I'm curious Ms DeMay why these people would so readily accept this deal given the difficulty usually associated with proving crimes of this nature? Since it seems much of the evidence was obtained through you, I can only guess you are the one to ask this question of," the judge asked.

"Your honor I wish there were an easy answer to your question. I can only guess they know that in my family alone there are seven people who can give first hand accounts of the kind of debauchery they are capable of, and there are others if needed who could be called on to verify the accounts of the various members of my family. Your honor when it comes to the crimes such as trafficking that I am guessing are not included in the deal even that can be proven without doubt though not as easily as the other charges," I said.

"Ms DeMay would you be willing to accept the deal for those expressing a desire to accept?"

"Your honor my first priority is justice. I am not qualified to determine what justice is other than the inability to again be able to commit the same crime over and over. If they recognize they would be accepting responsibility in accepting the deal and understand the reason for the punishment, perhaps the deal is just, and I willingly accept it as so. For those who have not shown a willingness to accept responsibility for the crimes against their fellow man, then I feel the full weight of the law should rain down on them and their atrocities exposed to the world for what they are," I said.

"Thank you Ms DeMay, is there anything missing from the deal as far as you are concerned?" the judge asked.

"I would hope that they would testify to the atrocities openly in the trial of those who refuse the deal, but fear what harm they could come to if those still to face trial are found guilty," I said.

"And what would ease that fear?" the judge asked.

"That they be given state time rather than federal time. Your honor if they are willing to testify and receive state prison in our home state I can give more assurance of their safety than anyone can if they are sent to prison with those yet to stand trial," I said.

The judge agreed to the deal and allowing any of those accepting the deal to testify serve their sentence in state prison where they would be safer than in the federal prison with those yet to stand trial. Heather tried to get a couple more days to prepare hoping to use those willing to testify as witnesses rather than calling me to the stand, but failed and felt the only way now was to call me to the stand and hope to call those accepting the deal testify rather than needing to call on Jesse and Andrea to testify.

From the courthouse I decided to get some lunch and hoped Heather would be willing to join me. I called Tiffany to see if she wanted to meet for lunch and was told Lindsey wanted to talk to me about something and it might not be a bad idea to have lunch with her instead.

I headed over to Uncle Brian's figuring that was were I would find Lindsey, and was greeted by Jesse when I got out of the car.

"Are we going to have to testify?" Jesse asked.

"I don't know yet Jesse, I think Heather will be calling me to the stand tomorrow, but even that might not happen," I said.

I walked back in the house with Jesse to find a man about her age sitting on the couch talking with Aunt Gwen.

"Here she is now. Alex, I think Jesse said your the one this young man needs to talk to," Aunt Gwen said.

"Hello I'm Alexandra, is there something I can help you with?" I introduced myself.

"My name's Terry Erickson, Jessica said I needed to talk to you about me courting her," Terry said.

"Did Jesse tell you she's three years older than I am?" I asked

"No she didn't," Terry said.

"Terry how about if we go out back where we can talk a little more privately. I'm sure the kids will understand if they're even here, and since our cousin has the back set up to practice his martial arts maybe I can get some practice in with the sword, stars and nunchaku while we talk," I said.

Terry had a look of fear when I suggested working out. It appeared Jesse or someone told him I was good at martial arts. We walked out back to find it empty and I invited him to have a seat so we could talk.

"Terry you don't need my permission to date my sister, unless she said you do. If she did the only reason I can think of her doing so is because I'm the family member everyone seems to think of as the head of the family a role our father abdicated years ago, and mom was never strong enough to fill the role leaving me," I said.

"I don't think I understand. Jesse did say something about having been abused and you were the one who was able to stop it," Terry said.

"Do you know about the big federal trial taking place at the federal court here?" I asked.

"I've heard about it, but really have no idea what it's all about," Terry said.

"Our family, my sisters, and I along with my kids are here because of that trial. Jesse may have to testify at that trial as might my oldest daughter. The trial starts at nine o'clock in the morning and right now it looks like I'm slated to be the first called to testify. Because of what this trial is all about Jesse looks up to me and I'm one of the few people she trusts without reservation. You see Terry there is very little I wouldn't do to protect my sisters and children, and Jesse knows that," I said.

I stood up and without much thought tossed several stars at the target. I didn't think about Terry watching, I was frustrated and still needed to talk to Lindsey about whatever it was she wanted to talk about. As soon as the last star hit the target I started over to them and Terry asked if I was always that accurate.

"What? I'm sorry it has been a long day and it still isn't over," I said.

"I asked if your always that accurate with those things," Terry said.

"I... Terry if you want to date Jesse it is really up to you and her. If something you do hurts her needlessly you better hope I don't find out about it. Jesse is my sister and the only one I wasn't able to protect from those monsters the trial is about, but when I was finally able to stand up to those people even she was protected from them. Less than six months ago the chances of her even talking to you would have been none because of what those animals did to her, and I won't let anything or anyone prevent her from becoming the beautiful person she was before those monsters hurt her," I said.

I walked over pulling my stars from the target and tucked them back in the pockets I kept them in.

Jesse came out when I started throwing them but stayed far enough away to not interfere in whatever conversation Terry and I might be having. When the first of the second group of stars hit the target there was fear in her eyes that I might have said no to Terry, but I knew she still trusted me and would accept whatever I said.

When I walked in the house after gathering my stars I gave Jesse a smile and nodded I thought he would be alright.

"Jesse, just don't rush things. If he's the one he will understand and if he isn't I think he'll run as far and fast as he can," I said.

"You gave him permission?" Jesse asked.

"Jesse your an adult and I'm your younger sister. If you want to go out with him you don't need my permission," I said.

"But I want your permission. Alex I don't know who else I can trust. I'm afraid of getting hurt again," Jesse said.

"Jesse I'll do everything I can to protect you, but I can't always keep you from harm alone. Maybe Terry can help, maybe he can't, but I don't think you need to worry about him trying to hurt you," I said.

"So you think I should give him a chance?" Jesse asked.

"Everyone deserves a chance. The people who did hurt us had a chance and chose to hurt us. They had their chance and Heather gave them another chance and many of them accepted that chance and admitted what they did to us and so many others, but there are a few who haven't and tomorrow I'll have to face them and tell the world what they did. Jesse I hope you'll never have to face those people again, but I can't promise that even for Andrea. What I can promise is I'll be there if you do and I'll do all I can to insure they can't hurt you again," I said.

"I love you Alex," Jesse said and walked toward Terry allowing me to try finding Lindsey.

Aunt Gwen stood in the kitchen appearing to be fixing something for dinner when I walked in the house. I wasn't sure she would say anything, and hoped she wouldn't, but also hoped she would. I felt like I had the world on my shoulders and I wasn't sure I was strong enough, but knew if I failed it could destroy everyone I loved.

"You aren't alone Alex. I've seen how much this is tearing at you and have no idea how long you've had to carry the burden, but there are a lot of people willing to help if you'll let them," Aunt Gwen said.

"Aunt Gwen I would love to let someone help if I knew how. I would love to let someone else get on that witness stand for me tomorrow and tell about what those people did, but no one else knows what they did to me, or my family. I want to be whole and don't know if I ever will be," I said.

The far away look was more than I could take so I headed out front wanting to escape, but having no where I could go that the nightmare wouldn't find me again, and again. I sat on the front lawn and felt the tears start, tears that wouldn't stop until there just weren't any left.

I didn't know how long I sat there only that the tears started as soon as I sat down and continued until all the hurt had played over and over several times burning the memories deep into my conscious mind.

I heard the noises of people talking around me questions that made no sense as the memories played over and over. I felt the fears of those who loved me as they feared I might be lost to them into a world of dreams even deeper than the one Jesse had created to protect herself.

I knew they wanted to help, but didn't know how they could. The two women I loved who while I was in college showed they loved me both knew how I felt about the things they did to pay their way through school, but even after finishing school continued doing those things. If only they knew how it tore me apart because I had been forced to do those things, and now it seemed they were both asking me to do them again.

My sisters lies kept playing again and again telling me everything was good while they did the same things I had been forced to do if I ever hoped to protect them.

Andrea the day we met telling me lies because she was afraid I wouldn't understand and be willing to help.

Lindsey and her lies to hide what she knew about her parents. Angela and Marie were the only ones who hadn't lied to me hoping to protect me from something they thought I couldn't handle or help with, and they were both to little to think lying would solve problems.

The voices around me started taking on faces and the tears started coming even harder as the faces became clearer and the words more understandable. These people hadn't lied to me with the intent of hurting me. All any of them wanted was to protect me from something they didn't understand, something I couldn't tell any of them about.

The noise stopped as I looked around. When did Kathy and Niki get here? The kids, were they here the whole time, or did they just get here? The tears were still flowing, but I couldn't even remember why they started. Tiffany was standing there with Heather each of them with an arm around the other. Judy was standing with her arm around Niki and Nancy with her boyfriends arm around her. Angela and Marie were sitting so close to me they might as well have been in my lap while Andrea and Lindsey sat in front of me both playing with the grass at their feet. Jesse was the only one of the bunch who might have a clue how much I hurt and why since she had been through so much of the same thing, but even she didn't know about some of it. She stood there with Terry holding her, her head buried in his shoulder and tears running down her cheeks. Alexander was sitting with Andrea and Lindsey also paying more attention to the grass at his feet than anything else, and Uncle Brian and Aunt Gwen stood there wanting to help but not knowing what the problem might be.

As I looked around again I noticed several other people standing around, people who should have been back home. Allen was there along with Brent standing behind Tiffany and Heather. Mom was there as was dad, standing behind Aunt Gwen and Uncle Brian. Why were they all here? How long had I been sitting here crying that they could have all gotten here?

Was what I was seeing even real? Was I lost somewhere in a place where all those I loved so much where together in one place, and all worried about me?

I shook my head trying to clear it from the vision of something that wasn't possible and looked around again to see Jesse with Terry's arm around her shoulders. Aunt Gwen standing next to them a worried look etching her face. The kids were all there, all but Angela and Marie, but they were with Tiffany wherever she was. Lindsey looked concerned while the look I saw on Andrea's face was more one of hoping she never had to go through whatever it was I was going through.

None of my other sisters were there, nor were Tiffany and Heather there. Alexander was there, but he had probably been hanging out with Andrea and Lindsey. I tried to stand and fell. The tears coming even harder with the embarrassment of not even being able to stand at the moment.

Andrea was the first to reach out offering me a hand the concerned look still heavy in her expression.

"Mom, I love you so much," Andrea said, causing the tears to run even harder.

I wrapped my arms around her dragging her down on the ground with me. This child knew how to love when most of her life she had been shown hate wrapped in what religion called love. I buried my face in her shoulder as the tears flowed unchecked for I didn't know how long.

"I love you mom," Andrea said again holding me every bit as tight as I held her.

The tears slowed and I eased the hug letting Andrea breath a little easier.

"I'm sorry dear I don't mean to be acting like a baby," I said.

"Mom I love you, and know this is really hard for you. It's ok to need someone sometimes, and as long as I've known you it was always us needing you, and you've always been there for us," Andrea said.

I looked around again and saw no one else had moved. It was obvious they knew I needed help, but didn't have any idea what kind, or how to give it. I attempted to stand up again and this time with Andrea's help managed to find it wasn't that difficult, but when I went to let go I felt myself start falling again. Before I fell Lindsey and Alexander were both there helping me stand so Andrea wasn't supporting all my weight.

The three kids walked me into the house and to a chair where they gently helped me sit so I wouldn't fall again.

"Mom, I love you," Lindsey said sitting in my lap putting her arm around me hugging me as tightly as Andrea had done.

"I heard you want to talk to me," I said so only Lindsey could hear.

"Its not important right now mom," Lindsey said.

"That's not true sweetheart, or there wouldn't have been messages saying it was everywhere since I left the courthouse," I said.

I looked at her and smiled that I was alright now and willing to discuss whatever it was she wanted to talk about.

Everyone else in the room found somewhere else to be so Lindsey and I could have some privacy.

"Now do you want to tell me what it is, or am I going to have to guess?" I asked.

"I've been thinking about my boyfriend a lot since we got here," Lindsey said.

"Thinking about your boyfriend a lot? Is there something you haven't told me that is bringing this up?" I asked.

"Mom, he likes when I wear the shortest dresses, and likes to hold me the way Michelle use to hold you. I... it gave me feelings I don't understand," Lindsey said.

"Do you like wearing those dresses for him?" I asked.

"I like when he stands behind me holding me like that," Lindsey said.

"You let him run his hands up and down the way Marc did with me?" I asked.

"It scares me a little, but feels so good too. The last time we went out he held me like that and I didn't even notice he moved his hands under my skirt and was rubbing my panties," Lindsey said.

"Lindsey I hope you'll tell him you aren't ready and that you don't want him doing things like that, but the choice is yours. I'll talk to Tiffany about taking you to the doctors to get some kind of birth control and if you feel stopping this before it goes further is something you can't do I want you learning how to use condoms properly, and again Tiffany can probably teach you that better than I could, I know she has more time to teach you than I do," I said.

"You won't tell me not to let him do those things?" Lindsey asked.

"Lindsey I would be disappointed if you continue letting this boy, or another, have privileges they shouldn't have since I know you aren't ready for a committed relationship of that nature, but I want you to feel you can talk to me about anything rather than trying to hide things from me. While I would rather you wait to become sexually active, the choice of when you do is yours, and yours alone. I just want you to understand I love you and will do what I can to protect you, even from your own choices if necessary," I said.

"I just want you to be proud of me mom," Lindsey said.

"I am proud of you and as long as you know I am always willing to talk about things like this there is very little that can change that," I said, giving her a kiss on the forehead. "Now is there anything else we need to talk about?" I asked.

"You mean like how much makeup I've been wearing lately?" Lindsey asked.

I gave her a look of surprise since I hadn't really noticed a change in how much makeup she was wearing.

"Has Tiffany been teaching you to do makeup the way she does on the nights she goes out without me?" I asked.

"It's ok isn't it? She's been teaching Andrea too," Lindsey said.

"Lindsey I hadn't even noticed. I told you what I did because of what happened when I was about your age. If you want to wear your makeup the way Tiffany does hers, again that is up to you and it does look good or I probably would have noticed," I said.

"I love you mom," Lindsey said giving me a hug then running outside with Andrea and Alex.

"Those kids all adore you Alex," Aunt Gwen said coming in as soon as Lindsey left.

"Aunt Gwen if it weren't for those kids I might not be here now. I feel if I can help them be responsible adults I've done a good job with them," I said.

"I'd say your doing an excellent job with them. I doubt there is anything they wouldn't share with you, since they know you love them," Aunt Gwen said.

## Chapter 51

I arrived at the courthouse at eight-thirty and knew I was going to be the first one Heather called to the stand. The memories of everything that happened playing through my mind since the day before, when I basically fell apart on Aunt Gwen's front lawn.

I left my stars in my room at the hotel since I knew I wouldn't be allowed to have them in the courtroom. Tiffany gave me a funny look when I removed them from the various pockets I had them hidden in. Before I left she asked if I wanted her to come with and seemed disappointed when I told her I still wasn't ready to share that part of my life with her yet. I knew she knew some of what I had been through, but I had a feeling what she knew about was only a small part of what would come out while I was on the stand.

I watched the doors to the courtroom as people started filing in, most of them reporters with tape recorders and note pads. Some of them had briefcases and were stopped before being allowed to enter, either being told they would need to leave their briefcases with the front desk if they contained cameras or if they held sketching materials being allowed to take them in.

"Alex, I'm sorry but we just didn't have time to talk to those accepting the plea bargain. I'm hoping to be able to give you a few more hours before needing to appear, but depending on how long the judge is willing to let me ramble..." Heather said coming to stand beside me.

"Heather I'm ready. I'd rather you not ramble on to long because this is something that is hard enough and the longer I wait the harder it becomes," I said.

I stood there watching as the last of those allowed in the courtroom went through the doors and looked to find a seat near the courtroom that looked like a good place to wait until I was called to the stand.

"Excuse me, are you Alexandra DeMay?" someone dressed like a bailiff asked.

I looked up and smiled.

"Ms DeMay if you'll come with me they're almost ready for you," they said.

I stood up and the person turned and started down the hallway toward another door.

"If you'll wait in here Ms DeMay," they said holding the door to a room just off the courtroom.

I wanted to cry when I stepped through the door and saw Jesse, Andrea and Tiffany all sitting there.

Before I had a chance of sitting down and finding out what they were doing there the door opposite the one I entered through opened and a bailiff called my name.

It appeared Heather took what I said to heart and within moments of the court being called to order called me to the stand. I walked into the courtroom to find it full of reporters and spectators, I was the one who said this trial should be made public, but now I wondered at the wisdom of doing so.

"Raise you right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth," the bailiff asked.

"I do," I said, and someone objected.

The trial hadn't really even started and already the defense was objecting.

The judge asked what it was they were objecting to and the entire courtroom broke into laughter when they said something about me not placing a hand on the Bible and saying the words so help me god.

"Counselor this court is not a religious affair and since this country is not founded on religious principals neither the bible nor some god not recognized in this courtroom will be used to confirm the testimony of the witnesses called to the stand for either side. Objection overruled," the judge said.

"Please state your name," the bailiff said.

"Alexandra Kate DeMay," I said.

"Ms DeMay is that your legal name?" Heather asked.

"It is," I said.

"Is it the name you were given at birth?" Heather asked.

"The name I was given at birth was Alexander Kevin DeMay," I said.

"Are there any other aliases you've gone by in your life?" Heather asked.

"From as far back as I can remember until I turned eighteen I went by Karen other than at school or church on Sunday," I said.

"Ms DeMay, you have been called to the stand as a witness to the charges filed against the defendants. Do you know what those charges are?" Heather asked.

"Objection your honor," one of the defense attorneys said.

"Dare I ask on what grounds this time?" the judge asked.

"That the witness is being referred to as female your honor. It is our understanding that since the witness was given the name Alexander Kevin at birth the witness is male not female," the attorney said.

"Your honor I can bring in medical experts to verify the sex and gender of Ms DeMay as female if need be, but I see it as a waste of the courts time since her sex and gender are not the subject in question here," Heather said.

"Objection overruled, for the purposes of this court the witnesses will be deemed as the gender they are presenting and if you cannot accept that counselor then refrain from using either male or female references," the judge said.

"Ms DeMay can you tell the court your current profession?" Heather asked.

"I'm an attorney," I said.

"Would you explain what type of law you practice?" Heather asked.

"I'm currently licensed to practice in law without regard to type," I said.

"How long have you been a lawyer?" Heather asked.

"I've been a bar certified attorney for twelve years," I said.

"How long ago did you complete school, and would you tell the court how long you went to school to become a lawyer?" Heather asked.

"As I said I have been a bar certified attorney for the last twelve years. I graduate from law school six years after graduating from high school, with a doctorate in law," I said.

"Your grade point average while in law school?" Heather asked.

"An 'A-', I was valedictorian of my graduating class," I said.

"And your bar exam, could you tell us how you scored on that?" Heather asked.

"From what I understand I had the highest score on the bar exam in the last one hundred years," I said.

Once Heather verified my accreditation as an attorney she went on to asked several questions about how I knew the defendants, and details of the crimes they were charged with, after reading off the various crimes they were charged with.

The defense attorneys didn't seem impressed by my accomplishments as an attorney, but for the first time they showed signs of uncertainty about hoping to discredit any testimony I might give.

The questions went on about my work as a lawyer and the kind of legal work I had been involved in. Heather showed a skill I could only envy in how she asked her question never once asking for speculation. While drawing out the truth about the contracts. Once she established the facts of the contracts, she moved on to the abuse starting with what my family life had been like before the abuse. I started pulling back into the memories so I could tell accurately the depth of the abuse as only someone who had suffered through it could. At one point I slipped so far back into the memories Heather called for a recess hoping in doing so I might gain enough strength to finish without getting lost in a place no one would be able to reach me.

"It's been a long day so far and I think we could all use a break for lunch. We'll reconvene in one hour," the judge said.

I looked around as everyone started leaving not fully aware what was going on.

"Are you alright Alex?" Heather asked.

"I'll be fine, are we at recess for some reason?" I asked.

"I asked for a recess because we seemed to be losing you. Since it is lunch time the judge agreed and gave us an hour," Heather said.

"Heather if I don't let the past in I'm worthless to you on the stand. If as you say though I did seem to be slipping I'm glad you did ask for the recess," I said.

"Alex we may not need the testimony of anyone else. I don't think anyone was ready for the clarity you've been recounting what happened. Whatever you did to gain that kind of recall I hope you'll be able to do so for a little longer, but I don't want to risk your sanity," Heather said.

"The defense still hasn't asked their question yet and if I can't keep myself together they could discredit my whole testimony," I said.

"Possibly, but not likely. So far they haven't said much of anything, but do look ready to advise their clients to plead guilty," Heather said.

"If they come looking for a deal are you willing to give them one?" I asked.

"After what I heard you say on that stand the only deal I'm likely to entertain is guilty on all charges, but refuse any leniency leaving it up to the judge what kind of sentence they get. I will ask for the harshest judgment possible," Heather said.

I stepped back in the room I was shown to wait to be called to the stand. When I entered Tiffany stood up wanting to say, or do something to let me know she cared, but stood where she was letting me come to her.

I saw a table with food on it and started working on getting a plate together.

"I... I know you weren't happy to see me here, but Kathy offered to take the other three kids for the day if I'd bring Jesse and Andrea. Alex they both received a summons," Tiffany said.

"It's alright Tiffany, I know the room is shielded so you can't hear whatever is said in the courtroom," I said.

"So are you done on the stand now?" Tiffany asked.

"No the judge called a recess for lunch. When they resume I'll still be on the stand," I said.

I found a seat and started eating slowly. So many things going through my mind I needed to talk to someone about, and the courtroom wasn't the place I wanted to say it, since there was only one person in there I cared enough about to tell those things, but in this room was someone I thought I cared about just as much and in the same way.

Tiffany sat down next to me while Andrea and Jesse sat across the room talking amongst themselves.

"How would you feel about sharing me with Heather?" I asked.

"This is more about what's going on with Lindsey, than wanting to know if I can be content with what we had in college?" Tiffany asked.

"I really hope you aren't encouraging Lindsey to do what you did in college," I said.

"I'm not afraid of my past, and Lindsey asked so I told her," Tiffany said.

"Did you tell her you're still accepting dates?" I asked.

"Are you ashamed of me Alex?" Tiffany asked.

"No, I'm not ashamed of you. I just don't understand why both of the women I love so much are willing to do things like that, when I know neither of them need the money any longer," I said.

"Its complicated," Tiffany said.

"I'm sure it is, and I hope you'll be willing to explain it to me sometime, but for now I just want to finish my lunch so I'm ready when court is called back in session," I said.

"I do love you Alex," Tiffany said.

"And I love you more than I know how to express," I said.

I finished my lunch and sat there waiting hoping it wouldn't be much longer. I was really going to need to get a watch so I knew how much time had past if I was going to end up in court cases like this.

"Alex!" Heather said walking in the room.

"Is something wrong?" I asked.

"Actually no the recess is going to be until tomorrow the defense attorneys asked for an adjournment to confer with their clients. I have a feeling their going to try telling them the best they can hope for now is to plead guilty and hope the judge goes easier on them than what they might get finishing the trial. I only caught bits and pieces, but your testimony has their attorneys running scared," Heather said.

"Heather it might be better if we push the issue. Tell them either they change their plea now today or the trial continues," I said.

"Alex I know your a very skilled attorney, but to the best of my knowledge you've never tried a criminal case before," Heather said.

"You'd be right I haven't, but I've done enough contract cases to know when you have them on the ropes you don't back off. If they're considering changing their plea insist they do it now," I said.

"You really think they'll accept?" Heather asked.

"We've only covered about five of the ten years before I was finally able to stop them where what they did to me was concerned," I said.

"And the other five years are just as bad or worse?" Heather asked.

"Do you really think they want to risk letting the world find out? And then there is what Jesse went through, and for how long, and finish that up with what they did to Andrea. Again do you really think they want to let the world find out just what kind of monsters they are and how long they've been doing things like I've already talked about in that courtroom?" I asked.

"I wish I could ask you to come with to make the demand. Alex they already know the bulk of the evidence implicating them in trafficking we gained by your knowledge of their operation," Heather said.

Heather walked back in the courtroom before the judge and defense attorneys left and stopped them asking if the defense attorneys were thinking of changing the plea.

"Gentlemen if you are planning on changing your plea which I suspect you are doing I suggest you do so before the judge and court recorder leave or I'm inclined to carry this trial on publicly. I'm not offering any deals and am only willing to accept a plea change on all charges or am ready to continue the trial," Heather said.

The judge stopped to hear what Heather had to say and smiled when she said she wasn't willing to back off if they waited to change their plea.

The attorneys for the defense didn't say anything for about five minutes.

"We'll need to confer with our clients before we can give you an answer," the lead defense attorney said.

"It appears to me your clients are all still sitting here," Heather said.

The judge sat back in his chair on the bench and started reading something. He started to stand again and the defense attorneys stood turning to the bench.

"Your honor our clients would like to change their plea from not guilty to guilty," the lead defense attorney said.

"Bailiff would you be so kind as to call the court back to session," the judge said to his lead bailiff.

The bailiffs for the court went running through the court building trying to get everyone gathered again. The courtroom filled back up with reporters, and Jesse, Andrea and I were escorted to seats right behind Heather.

Once everyone was in their seats the lead bailiff called the court to order and the judge walked back out from his chambers taking his seat on the bench.

The lead defense attorney stood up and asked to approach the bench.

"Your honor my colleagues and I have talked with our clients and they have expressed they wish to change their plea from not guilty to guilty." the attorney said.

"Will the prosecution please approach the bench?" the judge said.

Everyone waited while Heather stood and walked up to the bench.

"I'm sure you heard what your opponent said counselor, are you willing to let this trial end and accept my judgment?" the judge asked.

"I am your honor, as long as the guilty plea is to all counts," Heather said.

"Counselor?" the judge asked.

"It is your honor," the attorney said.

"Then it is the judgment of this court that the defendants be held over for one week at which time this court will reconvene and declare its sentence," the judge said.

One more week to find out the fate of those who stole ten years of my life simply to quench lusts they knew were wrong.

"Alex, can we talk before you leave?" Heather asked.

Tiffany gave me a hug and said she would see me back at the hotel.

"Is there something wrong Heather?" I asked.

"No there's nothing wrong, but I'm surprised at the turn of events. You knew the only way of getting them to change their plea was to force the issue. I want to know how," Heather said.

"Heather I know those people and know the only way of getting them to accept responsibility for what they've done is to push hard and fast. They would make people sign contracts by forcing them into the need to barrow money. Once the contract was signed they applied pressure to make them do what they wanted. They held so much power locally to say anything against them was like signing your own death warrant," I said.

"I wish I would have had you in more of my classes in college. I would dare say I'm less than half the lawyer you are and I'm sure Allen and Brent would say the same thing and they are both known as some of the best criminal lawyers in the country," Heather said.

I gave her a hug and asked if she had given my proposal any thought yet.

"I've given it a lot of though and I still say the only way I come to work with you is if I can do so as Heather DeMay," Heather said.

"I asked Tiffany about it, and she still hasn't given me a straight answer. Heather I know since I am technically engaged to Tiffany I should feel content, but the truth is Tiffany is still doing the dates. Try as I might to believe that might change, I can't, and I'm not sure I could handle her doing that unless there is someone just as important to me to fill in on the nights she isn't there," I said.

"Are you saying what I hope you are?" Heather asked.

"I want you in my life Heather. I want you there every bit as much as I want Tiffany there. The other day you told me you still take dates for Allen and Brent, and after what you heard this morning maybe you can understand a little better why it bothers me so much, but you also know I won't try stopping either you or Tiffany from continuing if that's what you want," I said.

I let what I said sink in hoping she would finally understand. I wanted both her and Tiffany in my life and since same sex marriage wasn't recognized in my home state and plural marriage was frowned on even more, any relationship we might have would be seen from the outside as not a marriage.

"I won't ask you or Tiffany to legally change your name, but if you want to use only my name it might be the best way to do so. I am hoping though, you would rather hyphenate your name to take mine, and I've already told Tiffany the same thing. If you don't change your name to mine when and if same sex marriage becomes recognized it would make getting married easier since technically our names would be different," I said.

"I love you Alex. I've loved you since the day we first met, and since our marriage back in college have considered myself your wife, and hyphenated my name ever since," Heather said.

I heard a noise and saw Andrea standing in the door to the waiting room she had been in while I was on the witness stand.

"I thought you went back to the hotel with Tiffany and Jesse," I said.

"I wanted to talk to you," Andrea said.

I looked at Heather and back to Andrea. "I'll be right there dear," I said.

Heather reached out for my hand and I pulled her into a hug giving her a kiss. " We can talk about this later, maybe over dinner," I said leaning back enough to see her beautiful face.

"I love you Alex," Heather said.

I walked over by Andrea and Heather turned and left.

"What do you think of Heather?" I asked Andrea.

"I think she loves you as much as Tiffany, maybe even more," Andrea said.

"Her and Tiffany both used my name through college, Tiffany for a couple years longer than Heather," I said.

"From what I understand Heather still uses our name," Andrea said.

"I'm not sure I understand," I said, looking more closely at Andrea.

"Aunt Gwen and Jesse both said when they met Heather she introduced herself as Heather Menes-DeMay," Andrea said.

That was something I wasn't aware of and if true meant Heather believed in the marriage fully something I didn't know. She graduated two years ahead of Tiffany and I and the wedding that tied the three of us together was the year before she graduated. I knew Tiffany saw that marriage for the imagined marriage it was supposed to have been, but if Heather was still using the DeMay name I wasn't sure she saw it that way.

"Andrea I..." I didn't know what to say. I really needed to talk to Heather and find out what was going on.

"She thinks your already married doesn't she?" Andrea asked.

"I don't know Andrea, I know Tiffany never saw that marriage as anything but imaginary, something I didn't feel, or want to believe. I love both Tiffany and Heather, and if Heather thought of that wedding as real, I'm not really sure it wasn't. The sad part is, we haven't seen, or talked, to each other in more years than I care to think about," I said.

"She should be coming out almost any time. Mom I know Tiffany better than Heather, but I think I like and trust Heather better," Andrea said.

I couldn't find the rental car so wondered if Tiffany had taken it since she was the only other person with a set of keys.

I spotted Heather coming out of the building and started heading in her direction with Andrea following close behind.

"Heather," I said when I was close enough she should be able to hear. I saw her look around, and when she spotted me smiled a smile that reminded me of a day that seemed forever ago, yet like yesterday.

She stopped and waited for me to catch up to her.

"Tell me! Are we really married?" I asked.

"I have never cheated on you Alex. Yes I continued to go out on those dates, but from the day of that wedding I have never slept with anyone else," Heather said.

"Can you forgive me? Heather when you graduated and left... Tiffany always treated that wedding like it was imaginary and when you left and I didn't hear from you..." I said tears forming and wanting to run down my cheeks.

"You, Jarid and I were the only ones to sign that contract. Since he wasn't licensed to preform the wedding, technically it wasn't legal, but to me it was something I wanted enough I always treated it as real. I've always loved you Alex and I did follow you as much as I could. I found out about what happened, about the time you got out. I can't tell you how many tears I shed at the news," Heather said.

I gave her a hug letting her know I did love her.

Andrea came over wrapping her arms around me and Heather.

"I love you both," Andrea said.

"I don't understand Andrea, you don't even know me," Heather said.

"Just because I don't know you very well doesn't mean I can't love you. I knew I loved mom the night we met for the first time. She scared me, but I knew she wouldn't hurt me without a good reason," Andrea said.

"And you think I'm the same?" Heather asked.

"I don't know, but I know you would never hurt mom if there was any way not to. I know you introduced yourself to Aunt Jesse the way you did because you love mom," Andrea said.

"I've never loved anyone as much as I do your mom," Heather said.

The tears running down my cheeks as each of those woman talked marked deeper the love I had for each of them. The night Andrea and I met my intent was to scare those kids into thinking about what they were doing. Andrea was the only one of the group to show any sign of remorse, and the only one to ever tell me they loved me. Heather was the first to hold me at night after leaving home. She knew I was scared when I got to college and offered to let me stay with her since the house was in her name. She even helped me find the job I had through college while telling me she knew of ways of making a little better money if I was interested, but never pressuring me.

Andrea eased her hug allowing me to ease the hug I had Heather in.

"I would love to have both of you join me for dinner tonight," I said.

"Mom what about Lindsey, Angela and Marie?" Andrea said.

"I take it Tiffany has a date tonight?" I asked.

Andrea rolled her eyes, which told me everything. I was going to have to talk to Tiffany about the kind of example she was setting and depending on the answers I got would decide whether, or not I was going to let her take my girls home or if they were going to stay with me until after the sentencing hearing.

I already knew Heather was the one I wanted to share my life with more than Tiffany was, and if Tiffany wanted to continue in the kind of work she did in college I was going to call off the engagement to her. I already knew she didn't care if Heather joined us as and equal partner, and thought she too was still doing that kind of work.

"You don't have a car here do you?" Heather asked.

"It looks like Tiffany took our rental car when she left," I said. "I guess Andrea and I can call a cab."

"Nonsense. I have my rental car here and it really wouldn't be any trouble to give you a ride," Heather said.

"On one condition," I said.

"What condition," Heather asked, giving me a dirty look after letting us in her car.

"We go shopping," I said.

Andrea seemed excited about the idea, but I knew Heather hated shopping almost as much as I did. If I wanted to go shopping she knew there was a reason and likely one she wouldn't understand.

"And just where did you want to go shopping?" Heather asked.

I told her the store and got a look of surprise I didn't fully understand.

"Alex, I can't afford that store," Heather said.

"Maybe not, but I can. Heather I won't have someone I love running around looking like a rag-a-muffin. Besides, that store has something I really do need to get, so either you can come with and save me the cost of a cab, or I can call a cab and you'll just have to wait until dinner tonight to find out what I needed to get," I said.

Andrea gave me a look I found comical but didn't say anything. I knew she had no idea what it was I wanted to get that seemed so important, but she loved being with me.

"You must have done a lot better after graduating than I did. I'll go with just because I want to know what that store has that seems so important," Heather said.

We were greeted warmly when we walked in the store and Heather gave me a look as though asking if it was just me or everyone that was greeted that way when they entered the store.

"I really can't answer that kind of question Heather, but I hope they treat everyone that way," I said.

"Dam you Alex, I never said anything so how is it you knew what I was thinking?" Heather asked.

"A lucky guess," I said.

Since I had been to this store before I had a good idea where the different departments were and headed for the business apparel with the intent of getting Heather some better suits than I had seen her wearing. The customer service rep for the department asked if they could help and I explained Heather needed some new business suits and if they could she also needed some casual clothes and formal wear. I had something I needed to take care of and if they could see she was taken care of I would appreciate it greatly.

## Chapter 52

I headed for the jewelery department hoping they would have a ring like the one I had seen back home.

"Is there something we can help you find?" the sales clerk asked.

"The store back home had a ring that was different, one that looked... there it is. I would love to take a closer look at that ring," I said pointing out the ring I wanted.

"That's a beautiful ring. It must be for someone very special," the clerk said.

"That she is. So special in fact it has taken a lot longer than it should have to realize just how special," I said.

"This ring has a one carat diamond in the center, surrounded by a half carat of rubies and another half carat of emeralds. The band is eighteen carat solid gold," the salesman said.

"And the size?" I asked.

"I believe this one is a seven and a half," the salesman said.

Comparing this ring to the one I had given Michelle, or Tiffany there was no comparison this ring out shown both of them combined, and spoke of a love that knew hardship but was everlasting.

"The wedding band that goes with it?" I asked.

He took out the ring and I saw the emeralds and rubies were actually on the wedding band with the round diamond the only stone in the engagement band.

I looked at the price tag and smiled this ring was perfect for the woman I was getting it for, and I would dare her to refuse it.

I found Heather and Andrea in the formal wear going through dresses that made even mine look like rags.

"Mom she said she wants to get you something," Andrea said.

"She can pick me out a dress," I said showing Andrea the ring to see if she thought it was the perfect ring.

"She's going to cry if you take the ring she's wearing now away from her, but if you give her this one to replace it she'll cry even harder," Andrea said.

"Do you think she's worth it?" I asked

"I can't help but call her mom when you aren't around. I didn't even notice I was doing it until she said something about it," Andrea said.

I nodded and wondered what the other kids would think about Heather as their second mom.

"You look beautiful in that dress," I said as Heather came out of the dressing room.

"I don't have any shoes to wear with a dress like this, but then I don't have shoes for most of the clothes I've tried on here," Heather said.

"If they don't have shoes here I'm sure we can find them at one of the better shoe stores around here," I said.

"Are you trying to spoil me?" Heather asked.

"No more than you did me back in college," I said.

"Except what I did for you back then didn't cost anything compared to what this is going to cost," Heather said.

"If your worried about money don't. I've been poor before and if I am again I'll make the best of what I do have," I said.

"You never did care about money. I'm just curious how you managed to get such a large bank balance when it means so little to you. Michelle told me you gave her a cashiers check for that house your living in," Heather said.

"I managed to get some rather affluent clients after graduating. I guess having several corporations willing to pay five hundred thousand dollars a year to keep me on retainer had a little to do with it," I said.

"Just how many corporations are we talking here?' Heather asked.

"Two dozen, and that retainer fee didn't do anything but guarantee I would represent them in a dispute or negotiation," I said.

"So just how many millions of dollars do you have?" Heather asked.

"I have no idea, Kathy has been taking care of my finances since I funded the start up of the Pride Center," I said.

"What am I supposed to do with all my old clothes?" Heather asked.

"Throw them away, give them away, what do you want to do with them? I do have something I need to ask though. I want you to take that ring off your finger, I don't mind if you want to wear it on a chain around your neck like I do the one you gave me, but since we aren't actually married, or even formally engaged, I don't think wearing it on your finger is appropriate," I said.

I saw the tears well up in her eyes and knew she hadn't taken it off since the day I put it there.

"Do you trust me Heather? Do you trust I wouldn't ask this if I didn't feel it the right thing to ask?" I asked.

"It feels like your spoiling me and then telling me I'm not good enough," Heather said.

"Not good enough? Heather it's me who isn't good enough for you. I love you so much but need you to trust me that I won't ever do anything to hurt you," I said.

"Then why are you asking me to take off the ring you gave me?" Heather asked.

"I think you'll understand tonight at dinner if you'll join my daughters and I for dinner. I think that dress would be perfect for dinner once we find some better shoes to go with," I said.

Heather and Andrea both gave me a dirty look until it dawned on Andrea what I intended at dinner. Then a smile formed on Andrea's face I was sure was there for the remainder of the day.

Heather went back in the dressing room and changed back into the clothes she had been wearing. While she was in the dressing room I showed Andrea the ring again.

"I hope some day I have someone who loves me enough to give me a ring like that," Andrea said.

"Sweetheart, you've seen the ring Heather is wearing and how plain it is, do you really think she will cherish this ring more than she has that ring? That ring was the best I could afford when I gave it to her, and too her it meant everything," I said.

Heather came out of the dressing room without the dress and I gave her a dirty look.

"Where's the dress Heather?" I asked.

"Please Alex I can't. If I'm no longer good enough to wear your ring, I can't accept a dress like that from you," Heather said.

"I never said you weren't good enough to wear my ring, but it does seem that was how you heard what I said. Please go get that dress, or I'll have Andrea go get it and I do want you to wear it tonight at dinner," I said.

"Then why won't you let me wear the ring?" Heather asked.

"Heather you can wear the ring. On a chain around your neck, but tonight is special and I think if you'll trust me you'll understand and be glad I asked you to remove the ring for now," I said.

She spotted the ring box in my purse and started shaking wanting to cry about taking off the ring I gave her so long ago and knowing tonight marked a special something she wasn't sure of.

"You bought me a new ring? Alex please tell me you didn't, you should know this ring means everything to me and I can't think of anything that could be as beautiful as it is," Heather said.

"Heather, please," I said.

She slipped the ring off her finger the tears running down her cheeks so hard I knew she couldn't see anything clearly.

"If you make me cry at dinner tonight..." Heather sobbed.

"They'll be tears of joy, Andrea will stay with you until dinner tonight she already knows what restaurant and the time. Heather I want you to get shoes for the new clothes you've gotten and Andrea can see they are paid for as long as you stick with stores I have an account at," I said.

There should have been a cab out front waiting for me and I really did need to go, or I might miss Tiffany before she left on her date.

"She bought me a new ring didn't she?" I heard Heather ask Andrea.

I didn't know if Andrea would tell her and I really didn't care. I knew being married to Heather was right, and was starting to have doubts about Tiffany.

I slid in the cab that was waiting at the curb and gave the driver the address for Aunt Gwen and Uncle Brian. I hoped Tiffany would be there but was certain Lindsey would at least and she needed to get ready for dinner.

"Mom you've been gone all day and Tiffany and Aunt Jesse said the trial was over by noon," Lindsey said meeting me at the curb.

I asked the driver to wait since I still needed to get to the hotel to get ready for dinner.

"Ma'am if your going to be long I need to run the meter," the driver said.

"I don't plan on being here long but feel free to run the meter just in case," I said.

I walked with Lindsey up to the house and was met at the door by Aunt Gwen.

"From what Jesse said they decided to change their plea to guilty," Aunt Gwen said.

"The sentencing hearing is next week and I'll be staying until that's over at least," I said.

"Did you need to talk to Jesse?" Aunt Gwen asked.

"Aunt Gwen did Tiffany say anything when she stopped by?" I asked.

"She just let Jesse out and took off, she didn't even come in," Aunt Gwen said.

"I wish I could stay for a little while, but I just needed to get Lindsey since we have a dinner date and still need to get changed," I said.

Lindsey and I walked back out to the cab and slid in. I let the driver know we needed to go to the hotel and asked if he could manage to get there as soon as possible without breaking any laws.

Ten minutes later we were at the hotel and I handed the driver two one hundred dollar bills and told him to keep the change. He gave me a look of disbelief since the total on the meter was well under one hundred dollars.

"Ma'am even one of these bills would make for a better tip than I've had since starting this job," the driver said.

"The ride was worth it and since you had to wait at the store for me I thought I'd say thank you in a way I could. The change is yours so enjoy," I said and turned to go in the hotel.

"Ma'am thank you. This means more than you know," the driver said and slid back in his car.

I headed for my room hoping Tiffany hadn't left yet and sure she had since her dates seemed to be more important to her than anything else of late.

"I was just getting ready to leave," Tiffany said as I entered.

"Can we talk first?" I asked.

"I'll be late if I don't leave soon," Tiffany said.

I noticed the ring I gave her wasn't on her hand.

"So the kids and I aren't as important as what your running off to do?" I asked.

"I didn't say that, but I did make promises," Tiffany said.

"To who Tiffany? Who arranged this date? Neither Allen nor Brent know anything about it and said they haven't scheduled a date for you in months," I said.

"I never said anything about them scheduling this date or any other date since you called me wanting to get into therapy. Alex, I know I'm not qualified to handle your therapy and even if I were I don't think it would have been a good idea to even try," Tiffany said.

"You didn't answer my question. Who did you make promises to that is more important to you than the kids or me?" I asked.

"You wouldn't understand. If I don't keep the dates set up for me... Alex I have to do this," Tiffany said.

"Is dragging Lindsey into it part of the deal? You know I'll never allow that," I said.

Tiffany walked out the door not answering my question or denying trying to drag Lindsey into whatever it was she was involved in.

"Mom?" Lindsey asked.

"Dinner tonight is formal Lindsey. If you could help with Angela and Marie I would appreciate it," I said.

"Your engagement to Tiffany is over isn't it?" Lindsey asked.

"Please Lindsey, we can talk about this later when there's more time. If we don't get ready we'll be late for dinner," I said.

Lindsey saw the ring box in my purse and opened it revealing the ring I bought for Heather.

"Tiffany never really cared did she?" Lindsey asked knowing she wouldn't get an answer.

"Tell me what Tiffany has said about what we talked about," I said.

"Mom none of us were able to call her mom like we do you. I wanted to trust her because you said you loved her, but her words seemed hollow when she said she loved you," Lindsey said.

"Are you going to tell me what she said or not?" I asked.

"She didn't say much of anything, but did seem interested that I would want to start on birth control," Lindsey said.

"Go get ready for dinner. Lindsey I think Tiffany will be returning home alone, and likely won't be staying with us any longer when we get home," I said.

Lindsey headed for her room to change and I thought about taking a shower and changed my mind instead going to the closet and seeing if I had an evening gown I would feel comfortable wearing.

I looked through the dresses hanging in the closet knowing I packed an evening gown and couldn't find it anywhere. I opened Tiffany's closet and saw nothing but dresses so short I was surprised her panties didn't show. At the end of her closet was one dress that was longer and taking it out saw the evening gown I loved in tatters. It looked like someone cut the skirt off with a dull knife the bottom of the skirt was so ragged.

I closed the closet and walked down to Lindsey's room.

"Lindsey I need to go to the store and get a new dress. The evening gown I brought seems to have had an accident," I said.

I stopped at Kathy's room to see if she had an evening gown so I wouldn't be late, only to find no one there.

In the lobby I spotted a store in the hotel and walked in to see if they had any evening gowns.

"May we help you?" someone said from behind me.

"You wouldn't have any evening gowns?" I asked.

"We have a few but it is a rather small collection compared to our main store," the sales person said showing me the evening gowns they had.

I looked through them and found one I liked that appeared to be the right size that I actually had shoes that would look good with. I didn't bother looking at the price just took it to the register.

After paying for the dress I headed back up to my room and found Lindsey waiting outside the door.

"Are your sisters dressed?" I asked.

"Marie is but Angela said she doesn't want to get dressed," Lindsey said.

I walked down to the girls room and saw Angela sitting on the bed watching TV. I entered the room and sat down next to her and scooped her into my lap.

"Is there a reason you don't want to get dressed for dinner?" I asked.

"Because you don't want us no more," Angela said.

"What makes you think I don't want you anymore?" I asked.

"Because you make us be nice to her. Momma she says things that say you don't like us no more," Angela said.

I looked at Lindsey and felt tears starting to form.

"My little angel girl, I will always love and want you. I know I haven't been spending a lot of time with you, but I do still love you very much, and will try harder if you'll give me another chance. Tonight is a night I think you might find out just how much I do love and want you if you'll get dressed so we don't make everyone else have to go hungry," I said.

"But she said you only want us because of the money," Angela said.

"Angela the money your parents left is still in the bank untouched and will remain there until your old enough to take it out. I don't need the money your parents left you and your sisters," I said.

She looked up at me and saw the tears in my eyes and laid her head on my shoulder giving me a hug I hadn't had in too long.

"Sweetheart is there any chance of you getting dressed so we can go to dinner, I promise for the next week I'll spend a lot more time with you and your sisters, and I think Tiffany will be going back home tomorrow, and no longer staying at our home when we go back home," I said.

"Will mommy Heather be coming home with us when we go home?" Angela asked.

"You'll need to ask her when we're at dinner tonight, but I do hope she will be," I said.

I again looked over at Lindsey and saw she too hoped Heather would be coming home with us. I gave her a nod and she ran up to my room and returned a short time later with my purse, setting it next to me.

I reached in the purse and pulled out the ring box opening it so the girls could see the ring sitting inside.

"Dinner tonight is so I can give this to Heather. For a long time she has worn a ring that was the best I could afford until now, and to her that ring has meant a lot, tonight I want to give her this ring and ask her to be your other mommy before we go back home," I said.

Lindsey gasped when the ring box opened, and again when I said I wanted Heather to be my wife before we returned home. Lindsey knew the money I spent so freely was money I had from my time as a contract lawyer, and not from the inheritance left by their birth parents.

Angela jumped off my lap and Lindsey helped her get dressed while I went back to my room to finish getting ready.

Tiffany was back in the room when I got there, and was cleaning out her closet trying to hide the dress of mine she had ruined.

"Here don't forget this," I said setting the ring I gave her in her bag on top of the clothes she already had packed.

"I thought you'd want that back especially since I lost the last one you gave me," Tiffany said.

"That ring might not mean anything to you, but I gave it to you because I thought you loved me. I know now all you wanted was for me to have a tattoo like the one you have, and that is something I can't do. I know you don't understand why and even if I told you, the chances are you wouldn't understand. To me that ring I gave you in college meant a lot and this ring meant every bit as much. Now I wonder if either ring really meant anything to you. I'll have Kathy make arrangements for a plane home for you tomorrow. I ask that you have all your things out of my home before I get back home next week," I said.

"I imagine you'll have someone watching to insure I do?" Tiffany asked.

"I'll have someone checking on the house every day after you do. Tiffany I don't really care what you take I just want you gone before I get back home," I said.

"I guess trying to be friends is out of the question?" Tiffany asked.

"I'm afraid the kind of friendship you seem to want is beyond me. I won't cause any trouble for you at your office, you can tell them whatever you want about why we aren't still together, I won't tell them different," I said.

"You were always to forgiving. That's why so many people try walking on you," Tiffany said.

I'd left my purse in the kids room and was now glad I had. If Tiffany saw the ring I got for Heather she would have been furious since it appeared to have cost at least double what the one I gave her cost. She knew I had money now, but from what Angela said, it seemed she thought the money had been the kids inheritance.

I finished my makeup and closed the door on my way back to the kids room leaving Tiffany alone in the room to finish her packing.

I hadn't seen Tiffany's contempt for me when we were in college. Her contempt because I wouldn't buy her the things she wanted. Looking back now I saw it, but back then I didn't. She seemed to think I should have been willing to spend all my money on her even if it cost me my schooling.

When I got back to the kids room they were all ready and I smiled since it appeared Lindsey had helped Angela put on a little makeup, mostly lip gloss and a little blush.

"Well don't you look beautiful tonight," I said smiling at both Angela and Lindsey.

Together we headed for the lobby and Marie begged me to carry her so I stooped down as she ran into my arms wrapping her arms around my neck so tight I thought she might chock me until I stood up with her.

"Is the car ready?" I asked at the desk.

The hotel limousine was waiting out front and I asked the desk to please get the car keys Tiffany had when she left so the car would still be there when we returned from dinner. Tiffany thought she could have anything and everything I had and she was going to find out that what she wanted did come with a price she wasn't willing to pay.

Just before leaving the lobby Kathy, Niki and Nancy came through the door.

"Kathy can you make arrangements for airfare back home for Tiffany?" I asked.

"I take it the two of you had a falling out?" Kathy asked.

"More than a falling out. I found out a lot of things today I almost wish I hadn't, but they have changed a lot of what I thought by opening my eyes to some of what's been going on," I said.

I'll take care or it," Kathy said.

"I also want to talk to you about something tomorrow so please don't run off before we get the chance in the morning," I said.

Kathy gave me a worried look, and I just smiled at her and walked out the door with my girls knowing Heather and Andrea would be waiting for us when we arrived at the restaurant.

When we got to the restaurant I checked in to find I was right about Heather and Andrea already being there waiting for us. Since they had already been shown to the table the maître d showed us to the table making sure to bring a booster seat for both Angela and Marie.

"We were starting to wonder if you were ever going to get here," Heather said.

"I didn't plan on needing to get a new dress since I knew I brought one," I said.

"If you brought one why did you need to buy a new one?" Heather asked.

"A long story I'd rather not go into right now," I said, helping Marie into her seat.

Once the kids were seated I took the seat saved for me across the table from Heather and smiled.

"Have they brought out any appetizers for you yet?" I asked.

"We got here maybe two minutes ahead of you," Heather said.

Our server came by and offered Heather and I a glass of wine and each of the kids a soda, asking if we were ready to order yet.

I placed the order and once the appetizers were brought out asked if Heather would like to dance while the kids ate what for them would likely be all they would eat.

"Alright Alex I want to know why you needed a new dress if you brought one with you," Heather said when we were on the dance floor away from the kids.

"The dress I brought with mysteriously ended up in Tiffany's closet and the skirt had been torn to shreds. Heather I asked Kathy to make arrangements for Tiffany to go back home tomorrow and asked Tiffany to please be out of my home by the time I get back. When I got back to my room to get ready she was on her way out for one of her dates, and seemed to think that date was more important than talking to me. After she left I started looking for my dress and found it in tatters so knew I was going to need to get another one. When I got back to the room she was back again packing all her things my dress in the bottom of her bag buried under enough other things it wasn't easy to see. I saw the ring I gave her sitting on the dresser and placed it in the bag since she obviously didn't plan on keeping the promises she made to me and the kids," I said.

"She was mad that the ring you gave me had a stone in it when the one you gave her was just a band," Heather said.

"Heather I gave her a ring that cost twice what the one I gave you cost. Her ring was solid gold where yours was plated and the stone in yours was just cut glass," I said.

"I know that Alex, but she still didn't see it that way. She told me just before I left after graduating she was going to make you pay if she ever got the chance," Heather said.

"She wasn't happy I refused to do the kind of work you and her were doing back then, was she?" I asked.

"That's an understatement. She seemed to think you were placing yourself above us, making yourself better than us," Heather said.

"What about you? Did you feel I was trying to make myself better than you were?" I asked.

"Alex I've loved you from the start because of who you are. I knew you didn't think you were better than we were because of the kind of work we chose to do, and I knew there was a good reason you refused to even consider doing that kind of work, though until this morning I didn't really understand it," Heather said.

"And now you think you understand?" I asked.

"Not fully, but enough to know if I had been through even a small part of what you have I would have never even considered that kind of work," Heather said.

"Do you love me Heather? Do you trust me?" I asked.

"I trust you with ever fiber of my being. I love you more than I know how to say," Heather said.

I held out the ring box opening it and asked if she would be willing to wear the ring inside to show the world how she felt.

The gasp as the light caught the diamond, rubies and emeralds was loud enough everyone in the restaurant should have been able to hear it.

"Will you be my wife Heather? Will you marry me before we go back home?" I asked.

The tears running down her cheeks said everything. She knew when I asked her to take off the other ring it was because I had something planned and hoped it was that I would ask the question I just asked, but the ring wasn't something she was ready for. She knew I had done well as a contract lawyer, but to be able to afford a ring like this meant I had to have done a lot better than she thought.

I took the ring out of the box and slid it on her finger pulling her into a hug and kiss.

"I love you Heather, and I hope you'll consent to become my wife before the sentencing hearing next week," I said.

She touched my cheek cupping my face in both hands and gave me another kiss.

"I've been your wife since the day we shared those vows back in college. Those vows meant the world to me then and they will continue to mean the world to me for as long as I live," Heather said.

"Is there any family we need to get here for the wedding?" I asked.

She looked at me never letting go of my face.

"Your the only family I want or need," Heather said the tears never slowing.

"I guess we can talk about this in the morning," I said.

"My mother and sister are the only family still talking to me since I told them I married the woman of my dreams. Alex they think we are married," Heather said.

"Then maybe they would be willing to come to the wedding thinking it's a re-dedication of our vows. Heather to me that is what the wedding will seem more than an actual marriage," I said.

"I'll talk to them, who knows there might be more family willing to come, or they might all say no, either way I say yes to legally being your wife finally," Heather said.

## Chapter 53

I watched each of the kids give Heather a hug and kiss calling her mom when she dropped us off at the hotel, something none of them ever did with Tiffany, or Michelle, though they each had called Marc dad.

What would have happened had Marc not become Michelle? Would we have ever gotten married, or would I have remembered Heather in time to know she was the one person I love more than any other?

"Alex I'll call and find out if any of my family want to be here and try to let you know in the morning," Heather said.

I gave her a hug and kiss and watched as she drove off. I wanted her to share my room, but knew until the wedding was real that wasn't likely to happen.

I walked in the lobby of the hotel and there stood Kathy her hands on her hips.

"You want to talk now instead of in the morning?" I asked.

"I know you love her more than you ever did Tiffany, but I want to hear what happened with Tiffany," Kathy said.

"Is Tiffany out of my room?" I asked.

"As far as I know she's gone, but she didn't say anything if she is," Kathy said.

"Did you tell her you made arrangements for her to fly back home tomorrow?" I asked.

I was going to ask her which flight she would rather, but she ignored me on her way out the door. Alex, I think she had your luggage as well as hers," Kathy said.

"In the morning we need to make sure she can't access any of my bank accounts," I said.

"I already took care of that. She was drawing money off your checking account until it was almost empty. When I got a call from the bank I told them to not allow any more access to the account until I had a chance to talk to you," Kathy said.

"I kept over one hundred thousand dollars in that account," I said knowing Kathy wouldn't have stopped access to the account without good reason.

"You aren't going to do anything about getting that money back are you?" Kathy asked.

"It's the only account she had access to so why bother. Kathy you saw the ring I bought Heather. I found out tonight Tiffany resented the ring I gave Heather back in college. It didn't matter the ring I gave her cost me more than twice as much, it only mattered that the ring I gave Heather had a stone in it. Back then the ring I gave Tiffany was solid gold and wiped out what little savings I had, while the ring I gave Heather was plated with a piece of glass in it. Tiffany said she lost the ring I gave her, while I had to ask Heather to please take the one I gave her off," I said.

"What do you mean, you had to ask Heather to take the one you gave her off?" Kathy asked.

"Just that. The ring Heather has been wearing is the one I gave her back in college. She treated the wedding we had back then as though it were real," I said.

"She gave you that ring you wear around your neck, didn't she?" Kathy asked.

"If you think about it I always wore two rings on that chain, at least I did until the one broke," I said.

"And the one that didn't break was the one Heather gave you?" Kathy asked.

"I need a brides maid and was hoping you might be willing to suggest someone," I said.

Kathy gave me a dirty look and didn't say anything. I saw the anger and knew she was fighting hard to gain control of it. A tear leaked onto her cheek and I knew it would soon be followed by another.

"Kathy I asked, because I thought you might want to be Heather's bridesmaid if she asked," I said.

"She would be more likely to ask Jennifer than me," Kathy said.

"I don't think I understand," I said.

"Jennifer is her cousin. When Heather told her family she married a woman Jennifer was the only one in the family who didn't ostracize her. And Heather was the only one who didn't say all kinds of mean things about me when Jennifer told her family about her and I getting married. I never met Heather until the day of our wedding," Kathy said.

"In that case would you be my maid-of-honor?" I asked.

"Thank you. I considered you to be my maid-of-honor when Jennifer and I got married. Niki was a bridesmaid, but I didn't have a maid-of-honor because you were the only person I wanted. I know that wedding invitation hurt you since I knew you couldn't be there, but I wanted you to know I really did want you there," Kathy said.

"I was thinking of asking Niki, Nancy and Jesse to be bridesmaids, and asking my girls to be flower girls and ring bearers," I said.

"So when are you planning on tying the knot?" Kathy asked.

"I was thinking Sunday before the sentencing hearing, but I think Heather wants to wait until after the hearing," I said.

"So right now you don't really know?" Kathy asked.

"No I don't really know right now," I said.

Kathy rode the elevator with me up to her floor and gave me a hug when the doors opened before stepping off.

"Thank you Alex, I love you," Kathy said.

The doors closed before I could tell her I loved her and I felt totally drained when the doors opened for my room.

I got in the shower and let the day wash away. I looked to see what I had for nighties after getting out of the shower and found both closets empty as well as the dresser. I saw the suit I had worn most of the day laying in a heap along with all the shoes I had that didn't have stiletto heels, and knew Tiffany had taken everything she thought she could that was clean.

I was going to need to go shopping in the morning to replace all the clothes Tiffany took. I hated shopping and knew Heather did as well, but wondered if she would be willing to go shopping with me.

I picked up the phone not paying any attention to what the time was and called the number I had for Heather.

"Hello," I heard Heather answer sounding mostly asleep.

"Did I wake you?" I asked

"What's wrong? Alex if you need something..." Heather said.

"Heather, I'm sorry, didn't even look at the time before calling. I was wondering if you'd like to go shopping with me in the morning, it seems all the clothes I had here have disappeared," I said.

"So she finally showed her true worth? You know I hate shopping as much as you do, but if it means getting to dress you up in clothes I want to see you in, I'll be there at nine in the morning unless you need me to come over so you'll get some sleep," Heather said.

"The nightmares aren't as bad as they used to be, but this bed is rather big for someone as small as I am," I said.

"I'll be there in an hour, did she at least leave you anything to wear to bed?" Heather asked.

"Would I be able to wear it long enough to even put it on with you here?" I asked.

She started laughing and said she would be over in an hour.

I checked the door to insure she wouldn't have any trouble getting in and called down to the lobby asking if there was any chance of getting the key code changed on my door and new key cards within the hour.

The new key cards were delivered the same time Heather arrived and since Tiffany did leave the courtesy robes I slid a robe on and answered the door.

"Your new key cards ma'am," the bell hop said holding out a couple key cards.

I thanked him giving him a hundred dollar bill and asked him to make sure Tiffany was no longer allowed access to any of the rooms I was paying for.

Heather entered the room and I handed her one of the key cards hoping she would understand I wanted her to move here from the motel the government put her in.

"Do you always live like this?" Heather asked, taking the key card I offered.

"This isn't the kind of thing I had growing up. And I didn't ask Kathy to get me the penthouse, but she seems to think I need the best of everything," I said.

"I called my mom and sister when I got back to my room and they both said they'd love to come, but didn't have the money to get here," Heather said.

"Have you thought of who you want for your maid-of-honor?" I asked.

"I was thinking of asking my cousin. She asked me to be her maid-of-honor and I thought it only fitting to return the favor," Heather said.

"Kathy said you might say that," I said.

"My cousin is your sister-in-law, isn't she?" Heather asked.

"Kathy said that was how you met," I said.

"How about if you get to bed, I promise I won't do anything you don't beg me to do," Heather said.

The night seemed different with Heather lying next to me in that big bed. I fell asleep before I even realized I had my head on the pillow. The usual nightmares started, but changed. For some reason all the hurt went away and I was wrapped in a blanket of peace. I rolled over and saw Heather staring at me and smiled.

"Did you get any sleep last night?" I asked.

"You started shaking and woke me about an hour after we got in bed. I wrapped my arms around you and you calmed down and I was asleep again until just a few minutes ago," Heather said.

"It was that way when we were in college too wasn't it?" I asked.

"It took longer for you to calm down back then, but you did seem to sleep a lot better in my arms than any other time," Heather said.

"I can only guess when you put your arms around me. When I closed my eyes everything seemed perfect then the nightmares came in and I knew if I didn't hold on I would be lost forever. All of a sudden everything changed and I felt like I was wrapped in a soft warm blanket that wouldn't let any of the monsters find me," I said.

"I'll always be your blanket if you let me. I know I sleep a lot better holding you though I've never had the kinds of nightmares you have I'm sure," Heather said.

"I love you," I said.

"I hope you don't mind, I brought over one of those dresses you bought me yesterday. I think we're about the same size," Heather said.

She showed me the dress she brought over and I started laughing.

"I have or had a dress just like that one at home. I didn't bring it here because Tiffany hated every time I would wear it," I said.

"I love that dress. I think I got it because it's like the one you wore the day you told me what they did to you. You trusted me enough to share something I know you hadn't shared with anyone before," Heather said.

"I needed to share that with someone and was sure you were someone I could trust. I think at the time part of that trust was you knew if I shared I might get lost and you wanted to make sure that didn't happen," I said.

I slipped the dress on and found it a little tighter than the one I had, but not uncomfortably so. The shoes Tiffany left were the shoes I preferred most of the time since I could wear them most of the day without them hurting my feet.

We were ready to go by nine o'clock but wanted to check with the kids and see if they wanted to go with.

I opened the door to head down to the kids room and Tiffany was standing there as though trying her key that no longer worked.

"Did you forget something?" I asked.

She gave me a look of confusion, that said she was either drunk or on some kind of drug.

"Your key card won't work any longer. Kathy scheduled a flight home for you this afternoon it was the earliest available. I need the keys for the rental car back," I said.

Tiffany threw a set of keys at me and I noticed it was the house keys so took the keys for the house off the ring and handed her back the rest.

"I still need the keys for the rental car, and if you'll wait here at the hotel they will see you get to the airport in time to make your flight home," I said.

She reached for the keys I held out to her and started to get angry when I didn't let go.

"The keys for the rental car?" I said.

She got in her bag again this time pulling out the right set of keys and threw them at me.

"You never really cared about me," she said.

"I guess the fact you took over fifty thousand dollars out of my checking account, getting an entirely new wardrobe, and then you stealing all the clothes I had here without me pressing charges against you is not caring. Tiffany if you needed money I was more than willing to see you had what you needed, but I earned the money I have, it wasn't an inheritance from some rich relative," I said.

Tiffany turned and looked back after realizing I had taken my house keys off her keyring.

"And all the things I have at your house? How am I supposed to get those things?" Tiffany asked.

"I'm sure if I ask Michelle and Dave they would be happy to let you in to get your things. Tiffany I won't let you steal anymore from me then you already have," I said.

Heather came out the door and Tiffany saw the ring on her finger.

"I knew you never cared. That ring had to have cost at least double what the one you gave me cost," Tiffany said.

"For the record Tiffany the ring I gave you when we were in college cost more than double what the ring I gave Heather cost, and this ring Heather is wearing now cost less than half what the ring I gave you cost. The ring I gave you had two karats of diamonds and a half karat of rubies, and was twenty-four karat gold. The ring on Heather's finger only has a one karat diamond with a half karat of rubies and a half karat of emeralds, and the band is eighteen karat gold," I said.

Tiffany stomped off. Since no one had used the elevator since she had come up the doors opened as soon as she pressed the button. She stepped in and pressed a button and the doors closed.

"Has she been dressing like that since she moved in with you?" Heather asked.

"Since we got here she has. At least at home she would wear a business suit when she went to work, but as soon as she would get home would change into something like that or less. Heather she was dragging Lindsey into whatever it is she's into and it was chance that Lindsey trusted me enough to talk to me about it," I said.

"You know I've been doing escort work with Allen and Brent on occasion don't you?" Heather asked.

"Yes, and I know you stopped having sex while on those escort jobs after our so-called marriage back in college. Allen and Brent haven't given Tiffany any escort work in over six months and she is working more as a prostitute than an escort since before they stopped arranging dates for her," I said.

"Is there anything about what we did in college you don't know?" Heather asked.

"Heather, Allen and Brent are as afraid of me as it seems everyone else is. There isn't much they won't tell me if I ask. If you want to continue doing escort work I really don't mind, I don't really even mind if you have sex as long as you don't try hiding it from me, or dragging my kids into it," I said.

"Her tattoo is real now isn't it?" Heather asked.

"I think so, but I do know it isn't the same as the one Allen and Brent asked you to wear back in college. I didn't see the differences at first and she told me it was just henna, but when I showed a picture of it to Allen he said he didn't know anything about it and it didn't look anything like the one they asked the girls working for them to wear. Since the picture I showed him was color he said he was sure it wasn't henna either. Something about the color said it was real," I said.

The elevator doors opened and we both stepped on pressing the button for the floor below the penthouse.

"Heather did you get a chance to ask your family if they wanted to come to our wedding?" I asked.

"My mom and sister both said they would love to be here if they could, but they don't have a car that could make the trip and there is no way dad would let them spend that kind of money to fly here and rent a car," Heather said.

"Do you want them here?" I asked.

"I haven't got any way of getting them here," Heather said.

"If they can get to the airport we can get them here and see they have a place to stay and transportation while they're here," I said.

"I don't know if they could even get to the airport, and the cost of them parking at the airport for a week is more than they could afford," Heather said.

"I'm sure a thousand dollars would more than pay for their parking at the airport. And it isn't that hard to arrange tickets so all they have to do is pick them up when they get to the airport," I said.

"Alex please, if I told them that they would think it was me paying, and they know I work for the government currently and don't make that kind of money," Heather said.

"Do you want them here or not?" I asked.

"I'd love to have them here," Heather said.

"Then call and tell them all they'll need to do is be at the airport on time and be sure to bring something nice to wear. Also when you've done that I need you to call dads parole officer and tell them dad needs permission to be out of town for a week for a wedding. You can tell them it's our wedding if you want, but I would love to have my parents here, and unless dad can get permission he would end up in jail," I said.

"You still love him don't you?" Heather asked.

"Dad was a good man until those monsters came along. He accepted me for who I said I was until that damned church came into his life," I said.

I stopped at Kathy's room before going to the kids room.

"Good morning," Jenny said when she answered the door.

"I think Heather has something she wants to ask you, and if Kathy is around I really need to talk to her," I said.

"I guess I could give Heather a call later, Kathy should be dressed in a couple minutes," Jenny said.

"Or you could talk to Heather now and I can talk to Kathy while she finishes getting dressed," I said.

Heather stepped out from behind me and Jenny started laughing.

"You do your damnedest to take the fun out of things don't you Alex?" Jenny said.

I just smiled as Jenny came out allowing me to enter their room.

"What do you need now Alex?" Kathy asked.

"I was kind of hoping you could tell me how much of a balance I have on my account at the store, also I was hoping you could make some flight arrangements for six people from home to here and as many as six from Heather's home town," I said.

"I'm guessing these flight arrangements are for people you want at the wedding?" Kathy asked.

"If it isn't too much trouble," I said.

"I guess I need to make reservations for rooms as well?" Kathy asked.

"I'm sure everyone would appreciate it," I said.

"Your account at the store is open and to the best of my knowledge there isn't a limit. I set it up so the bill is paid within two working days of being incurred," Kathy said.

"What would I do without you," I said giving her a hug.

Heather and Jenny came in the room smiling. I hadn't noticed how much alike they looked until seeing them standing there in the doorway.

"Heather said you lost all your clothes," Jenny said.

I started laughing and walked over to Heather putting my arm around her waist.

"Kathy the people from home are mom and dad and Allen and Brent, I'm sure Jenny can guess who all the other arrangements are for and give you a better head count," I said.

"I'm sure I can. Uncle Frank wouldn't dare turn down my brother and he knows I work for him so wouldn't dare turn me down either. He may not like his daughter getting married to another woman, but he will damn sure be here, and even have a smile painted on his face and behave in a civilized manner, or I'll make his life a living hell," Jenny said.

Heather and I walked down to the kids room and got there just as Andrea was coming out.

"Are the others up yet?" I asked.

"I was just coming up to see if you were going to do anything today, and ask if it would be alright to go over to your uncles for the day," Andrea said.

"You'd rather spend the day with Alex than shopping with your mother?" I asked.

"Mom I already have more clothes than I can fit in my closet," Andrea said.

"I'm guessing Lindsey feels the same?" I asked.

"She has more clothes than I do," Andrea said.

"I guess that means you and her would rather spend the day with Alex then?" I asked again.

"Alex wanted us to help him learn martial arts the way you taught us," Andrea said.

"I didn't know either you or Lindsey had figured out how to find your balance yet," I said.

"Is there any chance of stopping by the dojo if we go with you?" Lindsey asked coming out of the room.

"Do you really think I'd be welcome there after what happened last time?" I asked.

"I know the sensei would love to have you come by again," Andrea said.

"He asked yesterday if there was any chance of getting you to come by again," Lindsey said.

"What time are you planning on going to the dojo?" I asked.

"I think Alex said two o'clock," Andrea said.

Heather looked at me not aware of what happened the last time I visited my cousins dojo.

"I think we can manage, but we'll probably have Angela and Marie with us since you two would rather do something else than go shopping with your mothers," I said.

Both girls looked properly chastised so I let the matter drop.

Heather and I walked in the kids room and saw the mess lying around and I gave all four kids a stern look, there was no excuse for the kind of mess I was seeing and I saw Heather liked it almost as much as I did.

Lindsey and Andrea both said they were going to clean up before they left, so I let the matter drop.

"How are you planning on getting to Uncle Brian's?" I asked.

"Are you taking the rental car?" Andrea asked.

"We'll use my car, but are you listed as a driver on the rental car?" Heather asked.

Mom put both Tiffany and I on as drivers didn't you mom?" Andrea asked.

"I don't have a problem with you using the car Andrea, but I don't want you running all over town in it and only family are allowed to ride in it with you," I said.

Heather and I helped Angela and Marie get ready to go, and before we left I made sure Andrea and Lindsey each had a little money just in case. When we reached the lobby I saw Tiffany sitting in one of the chairs as though waiting for something, and I hoped it was for time to go to the airport.

"She doesn't understand," Heather said.

"I know she doesn't, and I think that's what bothers me so much," I said.

Heathers car was parked not far from the front doors and I noticed it didn't have any car seats in it for the kids.

"Heather these two kids aren't big enough to not need car seats," I said.

"What do you suggest then?" Heather asked.

"I suggest we take the rental car and get another rental car for the older kids to use, since this rental car has car seat for the younger kids to sit in," I said.

Heather went in and got Andrea and Lindsey telling them if they wanted a car for the day they needed to come with us.

"Mom you said we could use this car," Andrea said sounding like she believed I was breaking my promise.

"Andrea I need this car because it has seats in it for Angela and Marie, so unless you want to be stuck babysitting them all day you'll be in the car so we can go get another car for you to use since only Heather can driver her car legally," I said.

"You mean you're getting another car? Thank you mom, I love you so much," Andrea said.

"If I hadn't spent most of yesterday with her I'd think she didn't know what those words mean hearing how she said them," Heather muttered so only I could hear.

Andrea didn't like I wasn't willing to rent a sports car for her to drive, but knew the chances of something like that wasn't likely from the start and was hoping she could make me feel guilty by complaining. Lindsey was almost as bad until the car I did rent for them was brought around then they both gave me a hug and kiss telling me they loved me so much.

"You do tend to spoil people you love don't you?" Heather asked.

"They're worth the best and since I can why shouldn't they get the best?" I asked.

"And I'll bet your still driving that little pillbox of a car you drove in college?" Heather asked.

"No, Niki is driving that car now," I said.

"So what kind of car are you driving now days?" Heather asked.

"The same kind only newer," I said.

"I swear if you think I'm riding in that matchbox when we get home..." Heather said.

"I intend to leave my car at the office as a business car and get something a little bigger for us to commute to work in," I said.

"I take it I'm not the only one who isn't fond of that little car of yours?" Heather asked.

"It seems no one likes it but me and my sisters, and we like it because it's inexpensive and reliable," I said.

"I know you didn't grow up with money and learned to pinch pennies for all you could get out of them, but if you no longer need to pinch pennies why do you when it comes to yourself?" Heather asked.

"Because its smart business sense. Heather I would rather insure others are taken care of and I'm content as long as I have what I need. My ego isn't that big that I need to show off the money I have. You know I had to pay full non-citizen rates for college even though I grew up in the state I went to school. Even then I was almost denied because my high school records somehow got lost when I applied so I had to take the GED to prove I had the knowledge to belong in college," I said.

"No Alex I didn't know any of that. If that's true you should be able to get a refund for every dollar over the resident rate you paid," Heather said.

"At what cost to future students? Heather it's a state school that has limited resources. If I filed a suit it would take from those resources making the costs even higher for those attending now. It's in the past and I'd just as soon let it stay there. I survived, it doesn't matter now, I have more than enough to live on," I said.

"That's what I don't understand about you. You refuse to fight for what's right if the wrong was against you, but you'll defend someone else at all cost to insure they aren't wronged. Your just as important as everyone else is," Heather said.

"I'm not going to argue with you about this Heather, and I know I'm as worthy as anyone to be treated fairly, but I don't see how fighting a fight like this would be fair for anyone since all it would accomplish is to make me look greedy since I no longer need the money," I said.

"That's it isn't it? You would rather take a lose than look greedy or otherwise insensitive by fighting for something that's in the past?" Heather asked.

"I do care, believe me I do, but it wouldn't change anything now, at least not for me. I managed to gain my education even though the deck was stacked against me. I managed to rise above every obstacle meant to keep me down. To fight those obstacles now after having already beaten them is pointless since I can now fight to help remove those obstacles from the path of others," I said.

"So this has nothing to do with how your perceived personally?" Heather asked.

"No one wants to been seen in a bad light, and I'm not naive enough to not care how my actions are seen, but I won't compromise my principals just so I look good," I said.

"I'm not sure I'll ever understand what your trying to say, but I know it really doesn't matter since nothing is going to change how you feel about this, and it is part of what I love so much about you," Heather said.

## Chapter 54

We got to the store and were again greeted by the store manager in the manner we were greeted the previous day.

I headed for the business apparel while Heather took Angela and Marie to look at clothes for them I assumed. I picked out three new suits and found some blouses that I really liked that would go well with some of my leisure clothes for around the ranch. From the business apparel I went to the casual apparel and found several dresses I really liked and hoped Heather would come help me pick out a few things, but didn't want to spend all day shopping so got a half dozen dresses I really liked and was sure she would as well. I found they had a section in the casual department that dealt in leather clothes and found a couple very cute skirts and some leather pants that looked tight but felt wonderful and got some for both Heather and myself figuring the leather pants would be ideal for riding horses, while the skirts would be nice for going dancing in.

I headed for the shoe department and was attacked by Angela before reaching it. I almost lost my balance when Angela wrapped her arms around my legs.

"Did mommy Heather get you some new clothes?" I asked when Angela loosened her hug enough I could pick her up without falling in the effort.

Angela just smiled and didn't say anything.

"Care to take a look at what I got and see what you think while I look at shoes?" I asked as Heather came alongside me putting her arm around my waist.

"Sure I'd love to, I just hope you didn't get any of the dresses I got yesterday," Heather said stopping me before we actually made it to the shoe department.

I turned to her wondering why she stopped.

"I have something I want to give you before we actually do anymore shopping," Heather said.

She took my left hand sliding a ring on my finger.

"I love you and saw this yesterday when you bought mine. I doubt it's as expensive as the one you gave me, but I don't have the money you do to spend on things like this," Heather said giving me a kiss before allowing me to look at the ring she placed on my hand.

As we broke the kiss I saw the ring and felt the tears start. It was so beautiful and I knew she spent more on it than she should have with her limited resources.

"I love you," I said.

We slowly walked to the shoe department and started looking at the various shoes. I found a pair of boots that would go great with the leather outfits I got and asked the clerk to see if they had them in both mine and Heather's size.

There was a restaurant not far from the store and I was sure the kids were getting hungry so pulled in and got a funny look from Heather since it was a more up scale restaurant and we had no idea if they were even open.

"It's better than fast food," I said.

"You've changed a lot from when we were in college," Heather said.

"I guess we could go to my uncles if you'd rather," I said.

"This is fine their sign does say their open," Heather said.

When we entered they asked if we had reservations and I started laughing since I knew the person asking.

"If I would have known we needed reservations I'm sure we would have called ahead," I said.

"Then is this all there is in your party?" the person asked.

"I hope so, as far as I know everyone else we're here with has their own plans," I said.

"So how's Andrea doing?" they asked.

"She goes by Kathy now, but she's doing ok most of the time," I said.

"I was hoping you were Karen," they said.

"I don't know a Karen, but I am Kathy's sister Alex," I said.

"You used to go by Karen didn't you?" they asked.

"Not since I was eighteen," I said.

"I guess it has been a rather long time since I've seen anyone from your family around here," they said.

"Considering Kathy and I were only six when we moved away, and this is the first time any of us have been back, I guess it has been," I said.

"Wasn't your mother pregnant when you moved?" they asked

"She was and had a third set of twins, Nicole and Nancy," I said.

"How is this? So are you back to stay or just for a visit?"

"Most of us are only here until sometime next week, but I think Jesse is planning on staying, at least she seems more interested in staying than any of the rest of us," I said.

"I guess this isn't home for most of you is it?" they asked.

"Not for me at any rate. I'm sorry but is there any chance of talking to the manager? While this isn't home at least here Heather and I getting married is legal and since both our families will be here in the next week for our wedding it would be nice to have somewhere the whole family could get together," I said.

"When would you like and what do you have in mind?" they asked.

"I was hoping for a family dinner, and maybe a family breakfast," I said.

"Do you know how many people?" they asked.

"I'm not sure, Kathy and Jennifer are dealing with making sure everyone is invited and able to be here, Heather and I still haven't even discussed what day yet other than it will be within the next week, since everyone needs to be back home for work as soon as the reason we're here is over, and that is supposed to be on Monday," I said.

"Your here for that big trial going through the federal court?" they asked.

"Heather is the prosecuting attorney in that trial, and some of the family are here as witnesses and expert witness," I said.

"I'm guessing your here as an expert?" they asked.

"Kind of, most of the evidence the government has, was acquired via my knowledge of contract law, I happen to be a lawyer myself," I said.

"Your Alexandra, aren't you?" they asked.

"Yes I'm Alexandra Kate DeMay, that isn't a problem is it?" I asked.

"No that's no problem at all. My husband talks about you regularly something about you being the only lawyer he ever met who only took six years to finish school and ace the bar exam," they said.

"I graduated almost fifteen years ago," I said.

I said I would have Kathy and Jenny get in touch with the restaurant about when and how many people, and we enjoyed our lunch without any further distraction, other than someone occasionally staring at us and either smiling or giving us a disgusted look of disapproval.

When we were ready to leave one of the people who seemed disgusted by Heather and I showing our love for each other openly finally got up enough nerve to say something.

"Why can't you people kiss in private so the rest of us don't have to see it?" the man said.

"I could ask the same question since I've seen you kissing your, I'm guessing, wife openly here," I said.

"That's not the same," the man said.

"Your right it isn't the same. From the few times I've seen the two of you kissing and touching it hasn't shown much if any care one toward the other, while I know the love we hold was plainly obvious to anyone who cared to look. Personally I find love and open affection much more beautiful than what I've seen from the way you display yourselves publicly," I said.

"How dare you... the Bible condemns homosexual behavior," the man said.

"Your bible means nothing to me since it was people who preach your bible that are on trial for child abuse, sexual assault and trafficking of children and women. It is those who preach your bible who destroyed my childhood and told me I was unworthy of life simply because I wanted to be myself rather than who they thought I should be. It is people like you and those we are sending to prison hopefully for the remainder of their miserable lives who are the real problem. Maybe your the one who has the problem since you seem to be the only one who has a problem with my girlfriend and I holding hands and sharing an occasional kiss," I said.

The man turned beat red and I was afraid he might try taking a swing at me.

I turned away from him to leave and felt his stares as I ushered the girls and Heather out of harms way. The man swung and I blocked his swing turning and hitting him sending him flying backward.

"Before you even think of getting up and trying to retaliate, I must warn you I hold two black belts in martial arts," I said.

"You aren't a black belt," I heard someone say. "A black belt wouldn't have been able to counter what he did so easily,"

"And you would know that how?" I asked, still not having any idea who said I wasn't a black belt.

"Because I know you hold a master belt in both forms of martial arts you know," the man said.

I looked around and finally saw the man talking about what belts I had in martial arts.

"I'm sure you would know since your the one who started my training in martial arts," I said waiting to see if he would come closer so I could give him a hug without having to walk past the man who thought to make himself better than me simply because of who I loved.

"He told me you were the best student he ever had and if one day you found love there would be few even among the masters who could ever compete with you in martial arts," my old sensei said.

He did come over to me giving me a hug.

"You've found your perfect balance haven't you?" he asked.

"I don't know if it's my perfect balance but it is a more stable balance," I said.

He smiled and gave me another hug, giving the man who tried to attack me a dirty look letting him know how foolish trying to attack a true master in martial arts was.

The man laying on the floor moved and I watched closely to see whether he was reaching for the gun I knew he had, or just attempting to get up. He rolled over away from me and started to get up and I told him if he even thought of reaching for the gun he had in his shoulder holster he would pay a heaver price than just a few bruises.

My old sensei stepped between me and the man making it hard for me to see what the man was doing and as the man came back into view I saw the glint of the stainless gun barrel come into view leveling in my direction. Without much thought one of my stars hit the man in the arm and I was standing over him kicking the gun away so it was well out of his reach.

"Those look to be a lot sharper than the last time I saw them," my old sensei said.

"You've never seen these stars," I said. "I had them made a couple years after getting out of college."

He took a closer look and started shaking his head when he saw the star in the mans arm looked more like a butterfly than a star.

"I'd be surprised if you aren't a grandmaster now. I've only ever had one student that showed your dedication to learning and ever learned balance and I doubt he would be a match for you these days," my old sensei said.

"If you mean William Pratt, he thought he could force his way into my life and found out the hard way I will love who I choose to love," I said.

"I take that to mean he is in less than ideal health these day?" my old sensei asked.

"He's lucky he's still alive," Heather said.

"Alex, I'm visiting an old student and was wondering if perhaps you would care to visit him as well since he was one of the few who stood up for you when you first came to me to learn?" my old sensei asked.

"He already knows I'm in town and from what my cousin has told a couple of my daughters he hopes I'll come by for another visit. I agreed as long as he understood he needed to let his students know it isn't a good idea to challenge me even if I have my back to them," I said.

"May I ask when you planned on visiting?" he asked.

"My cousins class is at two o'clock this afternoon. Somehow my cousin has talked my daughters into attending his classes with him even though they are well ahead of him," I said.

"Will I see you there?" he asked.

"If you need a ride over we do have room though we were going to make at least one more stop before heading over," I said.

"I'm guessing your here visiting family?" he asked.

"That wasn't the reason I came to this town but I have spent quite a bit of time visiting family since arriving," I said.

He said he didn't need a ride and that he hoped to see me again at the dojo. Since it was still an hour before we needed to be to the dojo we stopped by Uncle Brian's to see if Jesse was there and maybe hook up with the kids before they headed over to the dojo.

"Hello Alex, I wasn't sure if you would come by before or after Alex's martial arts classes," Aunt Gwen said.

"Aunt Gwen I came by to see if you and Uncle Brian were planning on attending my wedding," I said.

"We'd be delighted to attend. I'm guessing this beautiful young lady with you is your bride?" Aunt Gwen asked.

"She is. Aunt Gwen I'd like you to meet Heather Menes, the only woman other than Kathy who could ever calm my nightmares," I said.

That must be quite the nightmares you have, but from what I've heard I can only imagine they're not as bad as they could be," Aunt Gwen said.

"Are Andrea and Lindsey here?" I asked.

"They're out back with Alex and Jesse," Aunt Gwen said.

I turned toward the back hoping to spend a few minutes with Jesse, Andrea and Lindsey before trying to again visit the dojo and let a bunch of kids try learning what martial arts should be about.

"Alex, from what I've over heard the kids talking about, your girls are, or should be black belts by now. I know a black belt is high in the rankings, but from what I understand they haven't been taking lessons as long as Alex has and he's only I believe he said a brown belt," Aunt Gwen said.

"I never really understood the ranking system in martial arts. After I achieved my first advancement it seemed I gained rank rather quickly, but for me to even grasp the idea of martial arts I had to learn balance of mind and body. With my girls I've been teaching them balance from the start, and if you can bring the mind and body into balance the rest is simply learning the moves and letting them become second nature. I've been considered a master in martial arts since before I graduated from college, but there is still a lot I don't know about martial arts," I said.

I walked out back and saw the girls and Alex going through their routines making silly little mistakes. Alex was making most of the mistakes and usually when the girls would mix up the moves so they were out of order from what Alex knew.

Jesse spotted me as soon as I was through the door and smiled but stayed where she was since Angela and Marie both ran over to her throwing their arms around her legs.

"You know kids if you're going to continue making those same silly mistakes maybe it's time to go back to basics," I said.

"Mom, Alex's sensei said we were making the moves perfectly," Andrea said.

"I guess a sixth dan black belt knows better than a tenth dan black belt?" I asked.

"Of course not Alex. My sensei said I should learn all I can from you because your the best," Alexander said.

"Then maybe you should listen when I say something," I said.

They all gave me a dirty look but didn't say anything for fear I might show them just how wrong they were making their moves.

"First you need to learn balance and if that isn't your primary goal in learning martial arts maybe you shouldn't learn them, because to ever be any good it does take balance of mind and body," I said.

"But I don't understand how to find that balance you keep talking about," Alexander said.

"And that dear cousin is why my girls are so far ahead of you, though neither of them have been able to find balance yet," I said.

"Maybe you can explain how to find balance better than they can," Alexander said.

"I tried once and you said it didn't make any sense, but I'll give it another try. Think of a good memory, one that has special meaning to you, it doesn't need to be one someone else thinks would be good, as long as it's good to you. Let that memory fill you so you can feel what you felt when that memory was new, continue letting it fill you until that memory is everything and washes away anything bad. Once you are in that memory you need to keep track that it's only a memory and without letting go of the memory focus on the present. Listen to the birds in the trees, smell the fresh cut grass. Hear the chatter of the squirrels as they search for food. When that memory is so full you can feel it in every part of your body yet hear all those things in the here and now you'll have found balance. Then it is a matter of learning to do that without thinking about it. True balance doesn't need formality or tradition, and almost everything you've learned so far is tradition and formality," I said.

I watched as Alex reached for a memory he saw as good and just as he was about to grasp the memory it would slip from his grasp as something in the here and now drew his attention back to what was around him, or what he perceived to be around him.

"It takes time Alex, but once you learn that you'll find martial arts are much easier," I said.

"That isn't how you find balance now, is it?" Alexander asked.

"It's how I learned to find balance, but no it isn't how I find my balance now," I said.

"Will you tell us how you find your balance now?" Alexander asked.

"I'll tell you how she finds it now," Heather said. "Now she knows she is worthy of being loved, she knows who she is so fully there is no longer any doubt she is worthy of love and is loved,"

"I thought everyone was worthy of being loved," Alexander said.

"Is that why you were doing what you were doing the day we met?" I asked.

Alex looked at the ground I hoped understanding that to be worthy of love meant being able to give love, even when it was hard.

"Alex to be able to use love for balance is more than just knowing you're worthy of being loved, it also means being able to love even when loving is hard. Knowing that all people are worthy of love and showing them love, but if you learn to love things loving people will be harder," I said.

"Are you saying you love those people that abused you when you were little?" Alexander asked.

"As people yes, for what they did to me, no that I can never love, but I have forgiven them for what they did which is why I can love them as people. For me to finally understand love I had to learn that what most religions teach as love is always conditional and that isn't love. Real love never sets conditions. I learned love from Lindsey, Angela, Marie, and Andrea. They each of them chose to love me without setting any conditions on that love, I learned I'm worthy of being loved because they loved me without reason," I said.

"I don't think I understand," Alexander said.

"Do you love your parents even when they punish you for something?" I asked.

"I don't like when they punish me," Alexander said.

"I'm sure they don't like punishing you either, and from what I've seen even when they do punish you it's done in love, to help you grow," I said.

"How does them punishing me help me grow?" Alexander asked.

"Because your more careful not to do whatever it is they punished you for again, because you know it hurts them as well as you," Andrea said.

I watched each of them thinking over the idea of love and being able to find balance through love.

I saw a spark in both Andrea and Lindsey as they realized how I always seemed to know what punishments would work and why. They had neither of them seen me do anything that left them without a choice and they almost always chose what they knew I would approve.

"If your going to be on time for your lessons we need to go," I said.

The kids didn't want to ride with Heather and I in case we didn't want to stay the whole time.

When we got to the dojo I let Heather walk in with the kids saying something about needing to see about something before I came in. I watched them all go in and finally got out of the car making sure to leave all my stars where they wouldn't be easily seen. There was a martial arts store next to the dojo so I went in to see if I couldn't get the proper robes and possibly a belt with the right markings on it to show where I stood in the ranks of martial arts.

"May we help you?" someone asked when I entered.

"I hope so. I need to get a set of robes and if possible a belt with the right markings on it," I said.

"I'm afraid if your more than a sixth dan black belt we won't have a belt with the right marking," they said.

"Do you have the markings so I can add them?" I asked.

"That we do have," they said.

"I need enough to do ten marks on each end," I said.

"If I'm not mistaken that would make the belt a master belt in two forms," they said.

I'll take your word for it, I only know that was the rank I received from my last sensei. Who was a master," I said.

"From what I heard there is a master in the area one that studied with the sensei of the dojo next door," they said.

"I'm guessing that would be me. Mark was a black belt when I started my training, and within two years he was the only one in our dojo that held a higher rank than I did," I said.

"I guess that means your Alexandra DeMay, he told me all about you," they said.

"I doubt he told you all about me, but yes I am Alexandra DeMay," I said.

"He said he's hoping you'll come by the dojo before you return home," they said.

"Thus the need for the robes and belt, I don't want something like happened last time I came by to happen again," I said.

Fifteen minutes after walking in the store I had the robes and a belt though it didn't have all the proper markings on it but was promised it would by the time I was ready to leave.

I walked in the dojo and found a dressing room just inside the door and slipped in and changed into the robes pulling the belt I had tight and tying it according to the custom I had been taught.

I walked into the main part of the dojo and smiled since no one seemed to notice me. My old sensei was the center of attention talking about how martial arts were more about balance than about fighting. I noticed my girls were totally engrossed in what he was saying and smiled even bigger. It had been years since I had heard what he was saying, and started getting lost in the memory of the first time I heard the speech and knew balance was something I didn't have and needed more than anything else.

"I'd like to introduce the only student of mine to ever earn the rank of grand master. Someone who was able to take what I've been trying to tell you to a level few can ever truly achieve. Alexandra Kate DeMay, would you care to join us?" my old sensei asked.

I gave a deep bow of respect and walked to the center of the mat.

"I'm sure most of these kids remember me from the last time I visited though last time I wasn't wearing the robes or belt. I'm sorry but the store next door didn't have a belt with the proper marks but promised me as soon as they got all the markings on one they would be more than happy to bring it over so everyone can see what the belt I can wear looks like," I said.

"Is there any chance of getting you to give us a demonstration?" Mark asked.

"How about a sparing match between you our old sensei and myself," I said.

Both men stepped out on the mat with me as all the students moved to the sides. They each took their stance and we all bowed to each other. The two men started circling me looking for an opening.

"Dam you Alex are you telling me you still haven't developed a starting stance yet," my old sensei asked.

"I don't see the need for one, I'm always ready," I said.

The sensei for this dojo came in hoping to distract me enough my old sensei could have an opening and the dojo sensei went flying for his trouble taking my old sensei off his feet at the same time. Beyond the throw I didn't move and allowed both men to regain their feet and start circling again.

Each time one of them moved in I countered in one way or another causing both men to over commit or hold their ground to keep from losing their feet. It didn't take long and a couple of the students wearing black belts were circling with the sensei hoping to find what the more experienced men couldn't find. Finally all of them came at me together hoping at least one of them could sweep me off my feet, only to find themselves all tangled in a knot and me standing there watching them a big smile on my face.

After that the two sensei said enough and turned to the class and explaining that while they ranked high in the belts what they knew was as nothing to what I knew and as the class had seen even with the four highest ranking working together they couldn't hope to match my skill.

## Chapter 55

Heather watched as the four men tried matching their skills against mine and smiled when the sparing match was stopped, with me the clear victor. She knew I was good from all the stories she'd heard and the number of those who had come out to my home in an attempt to keep me from being able to testify.

"Alex I had no idea," she said as those of us involved in the sparing match took seats allowing the class to work on their forms.

"Someone who has a true balance is hard to find a weakness in, add to that someone who understands death, and what weakness there is, is even smaller. I'm sorry Heather but for me death would still be a welcome release," I said.

"So for you the option is win or die?" Heather asked.

I looked at the floor hoping she didn't take that personally. She knew I had attempted suicide twice and she knew the reason behind both attempts. To me even though I now understood I was worthy of being loved, death was acceptable since it offered release from all the pain of the past, a past she knew only a small fraction of.

I knew I couldn't hide that I still struggled to live, but hoped Heather wouldn't ask me to talk about it since I knew I wasn't ready to share that even with my therapist.

"Alexandra would you care to share a few words to help these students understand what it takes to reach your level of proficiency in martial arts?" Mark asked.

I started to stand and the person from the store came in carrying my belt with all the correct markings on it. I took off the belt I was wearing placing the other belt around my waist and tying it.

Everyone watched as I put my belt on making note of the markings on my belt. I heard a couple of whistles and heard a few gasps as the enormity of what the markings on my belt meant.

"I see many of you are impressed by the markings on my belt. I wonder how many of you know what each mark means?" I asked looking around for anyone willing to at least try.

Mark stood up and asked those with black belts to try telling what each mark meant. I took the belt off again so they could get a closer look at the marks and saw them thinking but not really having a clue.

"Andrea, Lindsey would you mind coming up here and explaining each mark on my belt and what it takes to receive the mark?" I asked my girls.

Andrea was the first to come out on the floor and start telling what the marks were and what they meant. Lindsey joined until they got to the last and both of them gave me a blank stare.

"I'm sorry mom I don't know what this one is," they both said.

"I didn't expect you to know that one though it is one of the first things I've tried teaching you," I said.

I turned to the class and told them that one mark was what kept most people from ever reaching grand master status in martial arts.

"I doubt either your sensei or my old sensei could tell what this mark is since neither of them have ever achieved what it is. This mark is achieving balance in both mind and body. To be able to use throwing stars hitting your target being able to understand that razor sharp isn't sharp and being able to use a sword as though it is an extension of your arm, knowing how to use nunchaku to their fullest potential. All of those things require balance between body and mind. If you are learning martial arts as a means of defense you'll never find perfect balance. When I was first allowed to have this mark I hadn't yet achieved perfect balance and was only a master in the two forms I have trained in. To be able to do what I did in the sparing match you saw earlier requires perfect balance and is the mark of a grand master," I said.

I looked around the room and saw all the student looking from my belt to my daughters and back at me.

"When I first started training I was refused by the sensei several times because he didn't think it was possible for me to ever learn. Your sensei can tell about how I went to the dojo several times, about how so many of the student at the dojo would make fun of me because I refused to accept that I couldn't learn martial arts. Your sensei was one of a few at that dojo who stood up for me offering to help me learn even though the sensei of the dojo wouldn't accept me as a student."

I looked at my old sensei and saw him smile about that time when I was so persistent about wanting to learn.

"Sensei would you care to finish this story?" I asked.

He came out on the floor and looked around at everyone sitting there.

"When Alex first came to my school I asked her why she wanted to learn. She said she was tired of being afraid. I told her I couldn't help her. The next day she was back again wanting to learn martial arts. Again I asked her why and she again said because she was tired of being afraid. This went on for three weeks every day she would be at the dojo wanting to learn martial arts and every day she gave the same reason for wanting to learn them. She didn't show up for a week and I was sure she had given up, then she showed up again asking to learn martial arts so I asked her again and this time got a different answer. 'I want to learn martial arts because I've read it can bring a persons life into balance, it can teach a person that even in the bad there is still good if you only know how to look.' I accepted her to start that day and have never regretted that decision. Within four years she had achieved the highest belt I could give and a master was called in to continue her training. In six years she went from a young college student full of fear to a master in martial arts," my old sensei said.

I looked around and saw everyone looking at me wondering what could have made me so afraid.

I stood up and walked back into the dressing room changing back into my street clothes.

"They're curious about why you would have been so afraid," Heather said.

"I'm still afraid Heather, but not in the same way I was back then," I said.

"I'm one of the few who know what you've been through and even I know only a small fraction of it. Alex I have no doubt I'll never know the whole story of what you suffered, I'm not sure I want to know it all," Heather said.

"My sensei knew I wasn't telling him everything from the start, and I think he knew I never would. Even the master who finished my training knew I wasn't telling everything and likely never would. Heather you know more about what I went through than I've ever told anyone, and your right I have only told a small portion of what I lived through to protect those I saw as worthy of life," I said.

"You never saw yourself as worthy?" Heather asked.

"I was broken, I was something that couldn't exist. I was a freak, a pervert. No I didn't believe I was worthy of anything but what those people did to me. For eight years I lived in a happy family that cared about each other. Then it all changed and it was my fault. Don't tell me it wasn't because if I was going to survive I had to believe all those things. I don't believe any of them now, but I had to believe them or I couldn't have survived," I said.

I finally turned to look at the woman I loved so much. One of the few people I trusted enough to tell something like what I just said.

"I never knew how hard it was for you," Heather said.

"No one did. I learned early to hide all the hurt, all the pain. I did what I had to so my sisters could continue to have the life we had known and still it wasn't enough. Still the love we had was gone. The trust was broken. I had been told I could trust the people who hurt me the most. When I tried to tell someone about what was going on I got told to grow up and stop acting like a baby. I had no one to help and I couldn't let them do that to my sisters," I said.

"I notice both our girls are wearing black belts," Heather said.

"I'd need to watch them in a sparing match with the other students to know whether they deserve those belts," I said.

"You don't think they do?" Heather asked.

"Heather they have only been learning martial arts for a few months. They seem to know more about balance than the other students out there, but from what I've seen I'm not sure they have the knowledge to have earned those belts," I said.

We walked back out to the studio together and took a seat to watch the more advanced students setting up to do a little sparing.

"We were hoping you'd come back out here," Mark said.

"You aren't planning on trying to match your student against my daughters are you?" I asked.

"They said you've never seen them spar and wanted to show you they have earned the belts they're wearing," Mark said.

We sat there as the two students who joined in the sparing match against me took the floor on one side and my girls took the floor on the other side. The two students who had joined in the earlier sparing match were each forth dan black belts and according to the belts my daughters wore they were first dan black belts.

The students all bowed to Mark my old sensei and I in respect, then turned bowing to each other. Lindsey stepped off the floor as Andrea moved more toward the center. The match was on and my girls were going to face two opponents separately, two opponents who should have been more than a match for both of them together.

The two boys started circling Andrea looking for any weakness they could find. Like I had done Andrea stood there not looking at either of her opponents but obviously aware of where they were and what they were doing.

The boys would move as though trying to draw her into defending against an attack and she just stood there not even showing she had been aware of their attempt. Finally both boys moved against her and one of them went flying making enough contact with the other to throw off whatever he had been planning with the distraction created by the other boy.

"It's almost like watching you up there Alex, I gave them those black belts because they know the moves of a black belt, but it seems they know a great deal more than that," Mark said.

I watched as both boys were able to recover before Andrea could finish the match with what could have been crippling blows that would stop the boys from any further attempts.

The boys were again circling and again Andrea stood there not appearing to be paying attention to them and again the boys came at her this time making sure she couldn't get both of them the way she had done before. I saw the boys throw a couple blows that if they weren't blocked could have caused some serious pain and Andrea return the blows causing the boys to back out rather than get hurt.

Mark called the match giving it to Andrea and both boys and Andrea bowed to each other and again to Mark.

Two other boys stood up and walked out on the mat with Lindsey on the other side. I looked at the belts each of them were wearing and saw these boys belts also showed them as forth dan black belts. The bows were exchanged and just as Andrea had done Lindsey stood in the center of the mat.

Where Andrea had looked like a cat ready to take her prey Lindsey seemed to be oblivious to the boys on the mat with her.

The boys worked their way around her until one of them was behind her and obviously out of her sight. He moved in low in an attempt to take her off her feet, and before he reached her realized his mistake and tied to retreat only to find himself dazed from a well placed blow. The other boy moved in when Lindsey countered the first boy and before he was able to do anything found himself laying on his back dazed every bit as much as his partner. Lindsey watched both boys to insure they weren't hurt seriously and when they both sat up she bowed to them and then to those of us she knew she couldn't have beaten.

"I'm curious how they would do against each other," my old sensei said.

"I doubt you could get them to spar with each other," I said.

"I did noticed they both held their punches. I can only imagine how much damage those hits would have done if they hadn't," Mark said.

"I was going to question your choice of giving them both black belts since I didn't think either of them ready yet, but after watching them here, I'm willing to re-evaluate how ready they are," I said.

"You had no idea they were that good?" Mark asked.

"Mark with how far you are behind me can you imagine just how far it seems to me they are? I really had no idea and since they are the only ones I've ever taught even a little of what I know, I had no way of judging them honestly," I said.

"I never thought of it that way," Mark said.

"I noticed neither of them use a stance anymore than you do," my old sensei said.

"Sensei, am I supposed to teach them something I never understood? When balance is achieved ritual becomes unnecessary. To me martial arts is about balance, if you ever watch them practicing their moves you will find they know a few of the more advanced moves and have learned to incorporate them in so going from one move to another is second nature, and rarely do they ever do their moves in the same pattern twice," I said.

"So trying to predict what they will do at any time is impossible?" Mark asked.

"They have a long way to go to achieve my level, but I believe they could even give you a good workout in a sparing match," I said.

Both Mark and my old sensei gave a laugh and nodded their agreement.

We sat there watching the kids doing their exercises and I noticed Mark keeping an eye on my cousin and nod on occasion. So started watching my cousin as well. Since both of my girls were standing close to him it was easy to watch all three of them and I noticed Alex following Andrea and Lindsey's lead in the moves matching them move for move until they did a move he didn't know or wasn't very familiar with. It didn't take long and most of the rest of the class were following my girls lead with only those wearing second dan or higher black belts being able to match them move for move. The third time through they changed how they did their moves and even the black belts able to follow before started having trouble.

"You did teach them to be unpredictable didn't you?" Mark asked.

"If you are predictable you can be beat, if your opponent has no idea what they are facing they can't block and will start making mistake making their defeat easier," I said.

"And if they can go from one move to another without having to think about it..." Mark said finally understanding the importance of what the girls were doing.

Less than half way through the routine all the other student stopped to watch as the girls went from one move to another and started again, again changing the order of the moves. Mark and my old sensei sat there watching the girls working out going to moves that seemed impossible from the move before.

When the girls stopped Mark stood there still in amazement at what he had just seen.

"I want to thank you all for showing up today, I have no doubt we all learned a great deal. Andrea, Lindsey you've both had a chance most of the rest of us here may never get, in having had your mother be willing to teach you in a way few if any martial arts instructors could ever do. Alexander I can see you have been able to take advantage of what your cousin can do as well since I can see you are almost equal to Andrea and Lindsey," Mark said.

"No sensei, I'm not even close to where they are. I know I have learned a great deal from my cousin, but I know there is still a great deal I haven't learned and I know at times she get frustrated with me because it seems I'm so far behind her daughters though I have been taking lessons almost twice as long," Alexander said.

I smiled and saw Heather smile as well. I put my arm around Heather and pulled her tighter against me.

This class was over and I really wanted to get back to my babies. I had no doubt Andrea and Lindsey wanted to go partying with Alexander and some of his friends, so I reminded them about the rule of who could ride with them in the rental car.

"Alex before you go," my old sensei said.

"Of course sensei, is there something else you need?" I asked.

"As I recall when you came to me for lessons you didn't have a lot of money, it seems your schooling has changed that," he said.

"When I first came to you, the lessons were all I could afford if I hoped to stay in school, since graduating I did very well my first five years then I retired for six years and am now starting my own law firm," I said.

"You aren't returning to work because you need the money?" he asked.

"No, if I were returning to work because I needed the money I probably wouldn't be starting my own law firm. I'm returning to work because there are a lot of people who need a good lawyer who can't afford one," I said.

"Interesting. I wish I knew more about how things were for you, I remember when we first started on your trying to find balance and how tenuous that balance was. Now it seems you have found a balance that is steady and strong," he said.

"My past will never be something I will easily disclose to anyone, though Heather does know more of it than most. Until a short time ago my balance was through memories, fighting to allow the good memories to out weigh the bad. Within the last year that balance has been tried to the breaking point and I almost lost the struggle twice, thus the scars on my arms. Since then I have learned something that makes keeping my balance easier. I've learned I am worthy of being loved, something that for most of my life I never believed," I said.

"Why did you think you weren't worthy of being loved?" he asked.

"Because I had to be broken to protect my sisters who were worthy of being loved," I said.

"I'm not even going to pretend to understand that," he said.

"Do you remember what you told me the first time I said I needed to go home until the next quarter of school started?" I asked.

I remember what you told me when you got back. Alex I was afraid you were learning martial arts so you could fight. It didn't matter you said you were learning for balance if you fought just to fight I knew you would never learn the balance you said you needed," he said.

"I did need balance. I needed it so much and was terrified of telling why, even now it is very hard for me to tell anyone," I said.

"I learned that after Heather came and talked to me. She told me about the nightmares and I could only guess what could have caused them," he said.

"Do you know anything about the federal trial that is going on here?" I asked.

"I heard something about it. Please Alex tell me you aren't involved in any of that?" he asked.

"I wish I could. I'm the only witness that was called to the stand. After a half day of testimony from me the defendants all changed their plea to guilty. The sentencing hearing is Monday," I said.

"No! Alex from what I've heard no one could have remained sane if those people did that kind of thing to them," he said.

"Now you have a clue why I needed to find balance so desperately. I was eight years old when it started and I wasn't able to get out until half way through my senior year of high school. I took some kick-boxing and was finally able to stop it, at least for myself and younger sisters, but it wasn't until recently I was able to stop it for everyone in my family, and then only after I killed my brother when he broke into my home and threatened to rape my next to youngest sister," I said.

I saw him blanch at the thought of what he knew about things. I saw him trying to keep from vomiting at the thought of what I might have suffered through before he ever met me.

"Alex if I had known the reason back then..." he started to say and I stopped him.

"If you hadn't made me give a reason other than I was afraid I might never have learned balance. Because you refused me I studied what martial arts was all about and came to understand I was out of balance. I knew I had some good memories, but the bad over shadowed them so heavily I couldn't think of them. You taught me that even in the worst of circumstances there is good if we learn to look for it," I said.

"So why the scars?" he asked.

"The first time was because I had been sent to prison for murdering myself. For the first year I was there I had someone I cared about who I knew cared about me. I thought they were there under similar circumstances. After one and one half years I was told they got an appeal and were free again. Six months later I was sent to solitary confinement for my safety or so I was told. After two weeks in solitary I gave up on everything. If my life was nothing but a five by seven cell for twenty-three hours a day, with no hope of ever getting out what reason did I have left to live," I said.

"You said there's a second set of scars," he said.

"The day I killed my brother. When the police tried putting him in handcuffs he got one of their guns and took a shot at me. I threw one of my stars before he could get off another shot and anyone who knows me knows I no longer miss my target. My star hit him in the neck severing his carotid and cutting into his windpipe, he drowned in his own blood. When the star left my hand I knew the result. I hadn't been out of prison for long, so the memory of that five by seven cell was still fresh. I looked at the person who owned the house at the time and saw fear in their eyes and used another star to try finishing what I started less than six month earlier. I didn't want anyone to fear me, I knew I was dangerous and I knew I could never handle being put back in that cage," I said.

The look on my old sensei's face showed the horror that had been my life for so long. I needed to escape and since the kids had already left I turned for the door with Heather pulling me into a hug she refused to release.

"I'm alright Heather, but I do think it's time we see about getting the little kids and head back to the room," I said.

"Alex your anything but alright, but knowing you, you'll never admit what it really is bothering you," Heather said.

"Lately it seems all anyone is interested in is what I went through growing up. Those memories are fresher now than they've ever been and while I know they can't hurt me any longer I still feel so weak and scared because of them," I said.

"You know I'm here if you need to talk, or even just need someone to hold you," Heather said.

I gave her a kiss burying my face in her shoulder for a moment to let her know just how much I loved her.

We walked out to the car and I handed her the keys since I knew the tears might start at any moment and if they did they would make driving impossible until they finally let up.

I needed sleep something I hadn't gotten much of since I was eight years old. I wanted this whole thing over. I wanted those people to know what it was like to have someone do to them what they had done to me, yet I didn't want anyone to ever have to suffer that kind of indignation.

I had a feeling the judge was going to want to talk to me, to find out what I felt would be a just sentence. He seemed to understand the role I played in bringing these people to justice, but I doubted he or anyone else would ever know the depth of perversion these people were capable of. No not just these people but all people if left to their own devises. Something I learned was that left to their own, most people would sink to their lowest in a given situation.

Society thought it was civil, so many who believed man would always rise to his best. I couldn't help wondering what kind of world those people lived in since without social laws, man was the most duplicitous creature in the world. Man the only animal to hunt solely for the purpose of killing.

I helped Heather in the driver seat and walked around to the passenger seat standing there waiting for the door to open and the tears started.

Mark saw me standing there and came over to find out if something was wrong, and saw the streams of tears running down my cheeks and opened the door for me helping me get in the car.

"Alex if there's anything I can do..." Mark offered.

I sat there crying and not understanding why. I had told so many others about the part of my past I told my old sensei without this kind of show of emotions, and for some reason I wanted to tell my old sensei everything. I wanted him to be able to understand everything about why I was so far out of balance when we first met, and the idea of ever verbalizing anymore of it than I did in that courtroom terrified me to total incapacity, leaving me in a pile of tears I didn't know would ever end.

"Thank you for the offer Mark, but this is something I don't think you can help with," Heather said, giving Mark a smile that held very little warmth.

Heather didn't reach for the key instead reaching over to me placing her hand on my leg and rubbing gently.

I love you Alex. I know sometimes you don't understand how anyone can, but there are so many of us who do love you and can't help but love you," Heather said.

I tried looking at her and smiled, but the tears still flowed unchecked.

"I hope you know I'm willing to always listen whenever you want to talk," Heather said.

The tears slowed and I took a large gulp of air.

"There is so much I still don't know how to say," I said.

"Maybe now isn't the time to say it then. I know there isn't anything you can say that will stop me from loving you, just as there isn't anything you could do that would change my feelings for you," Heather said.

"I want to believe that Heather. I want to believe that so much," I said a sob breaking my words making them almost sound like nonsense.

"I wanted to wait until after the sentencing hearing, but now I think Friday would be a better time to tell you and the world how much I love you," Heather said.

Heather started the car and started to put it in gear, looking over at me before checking to insure it was safe to back out of our parking place.

"Thank you Heather, thank you for everything, for loving me when I didn't think I could ever be worthy of being loved," I said.

## Chapter 56

Heather almost became insistent about having the wedding before the sentencing hearing and seemed frustrated that I would always find some reason to delay it until after. The kids would start laughing when they heard her trying to explain why we should, knowing I hoped for what she was arguing for and now did all I could to wait.

The day I broke down in the car I was afraid waiting was her way of saying she didn't really love me, and that more than anything terrified me.

When we got to Uncle Brian's my whole family was there except for mom and dad, and I talked to all of them asking them to please plan everything for the Friday following the hearing so we had enough time to get it all planned. Heather and I still needed dresses and Jenny insisted she go with me to find mine while Kathy took Heather to find hers.

I was sure both of them had already been out shopping for dresses when Jenny and I walked in a bridal shop and the perfect dress was behind the counter waiting for me to try it on so any last minute adjustments could be made in time. When I asked how much the dress was Jenny and the gal helping us just gave me a dirty look to let me know it was none of my business.

Later when Heather and I had some time alone she told me Kathy had done much the same with her about the dress she would wear and because of how beautiful the dress was and knowing between us money wasn't really an issue she stopped complaining after actually trying the dress on.

Kathy insisted on showing me the invitations saying if we hoped to get everyone there we really did need to get them out and since we were sending them out so late we needed to send them priority to insure they were received in time for everyone to RSVP.

Heather and I let Kathy and Jenny take care of all the wedding arrangements since this seemed like such a big thing for them and we just wanted to go as slow as possible for the next week.

Monday morning we arrived at the court and went over what we hoped would happen. Andrea and Jesse both said they had other things they wanted to do and if I felt their being at the courthouse was important they'd be willing but if they never had to see any of those people again they'd both feel better about life.

I sat in the first row behind Heather, while everyone else who wanted to attend arrived. The defense attorneys arrived and started setting up their table while Heather finished setting everything out so she would be better able to follow along. The courtroom was filled to over flowing with reporters, hoping to get the scoop of what the defendants were facing out to their editors ahead of everyone else. I noticed several of them with expensive looking cell phones and knew whatever was said in this room was going to be on the internet almost as soon as it was said.

Heather turned around looking at me and I smiled knowing in less that one week her and I would be tied together for the rest of our lives.

"Alex if he allows testimony I would like you to offer more of what these people put you through," Heather said.

"I don't know if I can," I said.

"Will you try?" Heather asked.

I sat there my smile gone as the impact of what Heather was asking set in. Could I tell the total of what I went through if it meant justice for not only me but so many others as well? Hadn't my life to now been about service to others without regard to myself? Would there ever be a time I could think about what was best for me?

I nodded and felt the tears starting as the thought of letting the world know my whole life played through my mind. Nothing about my life now would ever again be private.

The court was called to order and the judge walked in taking his seat behind the bench.

"For the last week I have given this case a lot of thought. The testimony presented by the state along with the change of plea by the defendants indicates that indeed several laws were broken and in such a manner that cannot be ignored. It is the judgment of this court that the defendants be held in federal custody for a period of not less than twenty-five years for each count of..." the judge said and I started crying.

I listened to each proclamation as the judge said them and the years for each count, and felt a great weight lifted from my shoulders. For so many years I had fought for a justice I thought would never come, and here I sat the only witness to have been called to the stand to recount all the atrocities that had been dealt out by these people, and this judge took those words into account in making his decision about what should happen.

Maybe there was good in the world after all, maybe I didn't need to fight any longer for those I loved to have the kind of life that should have always been available to them.

When the judge stopped I felt more than saw Heather turn to me and take both my hands in hers, tears running down her cheeks to match the ones running down mine.

The judge stood and exited the courtroom and those who for so long had abused so many were lead out of the court in handcuffs followed by their lawyers and many from the press.

Heather let go of my hands long enough to walk around the banister, and sit beside me again taking my hands in hers.

"I... Heather I was so scared I might have to tell more of what they did to me," I said.

"Believe me hunny, I was afraid of what might happen if I needed to call on you again," Heather said.

There were flashes all around us from reporters trying to get pictures of anything they felt might be important.

"Excuse me ladies," someone said.

"No comment, please," Heather said.

"You were the prosecuting attorney weren't you?" they asked.

"I work for the Justice Department and was assigned this case," Heather said.

The questions started coming without end and the last thing I wanted was these reporters figuring out who I was and what role I had in this case.

I took Heather's hands and stood up heading for the door. Heather giving the no comment to anyone who asked a question. I looked at the front door to the building and saw even more reporters and knew someone would get hurt before long if the questions they started asking were about me. I turned the other direction and found the door to the judges quarters and knocked. When I got a response I opened the door and dragged Heather inside with me.

"Miss DeMay, Miss Menes I'm guessing your looking for a way of avoiding all those reporters?" the judge asked.

"That wasn't exactly the reason I dragged Heather in here, at least not the whole reason," I said.

"I'm interested in what the rest of the reason might be," the judge said.

"I was wondering if you might be interested in preforming a wedding this coming Friday?" I asked.

"A wedding? Dare I asked who is getting married?" the judge asked.

"Always dare. A couple people who you married a long time ago though back then it wasn't legal," I said.

"Alex I only ever officiated you and Heather's so-called marriage back when we were in college, a lifetime ago," the judge said.

"This time we do have a real marriage license and while it may not be recognized back home it will be accepted where that kind of marriage is acceptable, and even the governor back home is finally starting to show support so it's only a matter of time," I said.

"You mean... I'm happy to see you finally admit how much you care for each other. What time and where, I'd feel very honored to officiate for you," the judge said.

I took out my phone and called Kathy to see if she had the time and place set for the wedding. Heather started laughing when the judge gave me a funny look that I didn't know when or where Heather and I were getting married beyond the date.

"We've decided to let Alex's twin sister and my cousin deal with all the arrangement so we really don't know when or where since they haven't told us yet," Heather explained.

"If I'm not mistaken you did the same thing back in college. Something about all your friends setting everything up while you two just let the world keep on like nothing was about to change," the judge said.

So much about that time I had forgotten, only to have someone else remind me. I wondered why the memories of what those people did to me were still so fresh when the memories of loving and being loved seemed so distant and foreign. I knew I loved Heather and that Heather was the one back in college who gave so selflessly when I needed. That I wanted to give just as selflessly to her, but wasn't sure I would ever be able since so much of my life had been tarnished with things no one should ever need to deal with.

As those memories where brought up, the memories became clear and I was able to feel the love of that time again, for some reason those memories hadn't fit in the memories that gave me balance and I didn't understand. Those memories would have been more powerful than the memories I used. Those memories had never been corrupted by lies, and with each one that surfaced now the love that finally gave balance so I reached my true potential was there.

I knew I was loved and worthy of being loved back then, but the knowledge didn't help bring balance back then for reasons I still didn't understand.

I let Kathy know we had someone to preform the wedding and everything else was up to her and Jenny since neither Heather nor I really cared other than we both hoped our families and some close friends would be there.

We were shown another way out of the courthouse that left us a short distance to our car and avoided most of the press that wanted to ask questions we didn't want to answer, and likely couldn't have answered even if we did want too.

When we got to Uncle Brian's everyone seemed to be celebrating something. When they saw us Jesse and Andrea both came running to greet us and thank us for being strong enough to see justice was finally done. The tears started again from the relief of not needing to give any more detail about what I suffered at the hands of those people, and both Jesse and Andrea got a concerned look.

"Andrea we'll talk later, but for now I need to talk to Jesse in private," Heather said.

Jesse gave Heather a look that said she didn't understand what Heather wanted to talk about, but more importantly why I would have broken down in tears at what they said when they met us.

"Jesse, I don't think those tears mean what many might think. I know you didn't hear what I said that made it so you and Andrea didn't need to testify, and I doubt Alex will ever tell anyone aside from perhaps her therapist. Those tears are more because of joy that this is finally over than anything else. The knowledge that maybe she was strong enough to save even you from what those people did to her. A great weight has been removed from her shoulders, and those tears are more relief than anguish," Heather said.

Jesse nodded as she realized just how hard I had fought to keep her and our other sisters safe only to have it proven I couldn't do it alone and didn't have anywhere I knew of to turn for help. She knew what they did to her and that I had suffered at least the same, but she didn't know what was done to me before it started with her. Had I really been as strong as everyone thought? Now that I didn't need to be so strong was I going to fall apart the way she had done hoping to protect herself?

Jesse wrapped her arm around my shoulders and hugged me tight telling me it was going to be ok now. She would again be my big sister and do all she could to watch out for me.

"Alex I'm sorry I wasn't stronger. You never should have had to carry the burden alone," Jesse said.

"You don't understand Jesse. It wasn't carrying the burden alone, as much as it was thinking maybe I failed, that I wasn't strong enough. You all have helped me so much because you loved me even when I didn't think I could be loved," I said.

Jesse leaned back so she could look at me better and finally realized there wasn't anything I wouldn't have done to protect my family including her. She knew the day David brought her to one of those meetings it almost crushed me, but she had never understood just how much I was willing to go through even after that to make sure she was safe, or at least as safe as I could manage.

"Thank you Alex, I think I'm still ready to be your big sister again," Jesse said.

I smiled since she had grown so much from that time I first saw her in that hospital.

The tears stopped and I joined everyone, since the emotions were again in check.

"Are you going to be alright now?" Heather asked.

"Unless you plan on telling me you don't want to get married now, I should be fine," I said.

"You can bet I would never say something like that. Alex to me this is just us reaffirming the vows we made fifteen years ago," Heather said.

"I never stopped loving you, but over the last fifteen years forgot a lot of what we shared in college. I hate to say this, but I think I forgot on purpose in an attempt to save you from what could have happened if anyone found out," I said.

"But you remember now?" Heather asked.

"Some of it, but I don't think I'll ever remember all of it. Some of what you did for me I attributed to Tiffany and for some reason I can't remember other things that should be clear. I hope you'll be patient with me about this because I would never have done anything to hurt you, but would do anything I can to protect you," I said.

"As long as you remember the love, that's all that really matters. I know we have several friends that over time will do all they can to help if given the chance," Heather said.

"From what Kathy has said a lot of them are supposed to be here for our wedding," I said.

"Between your sister and my cousin I can't imagine how many people might be here for our wedding. It wouldn't surprise me to find out we're going to end up with a lot of national media coverage," Heather said.

"If they do something like that to us, I swear they are going to find out just how mean and vindictive I can be," I said smiling so Heather knew I was only kidding.

On Thursday Jenny and Kathy insisted on taking Heather and I back to the bridal shops for a final fitting of the dresses we would be wearing. Since Jenny insisted on taking me and letting Kathy take Heather it was difficult for me to say much about what they were doing. I tried on the dress and the gal running the shop started going over every inch looking for anything that wasn't right.

"I'm guessing that's Alex?" I heard someone ask.

"She's beautiful isn't she?" Jenny said.

"I hope you don't mind that I invited a few people," the man said.

"I don't think that would be a problem, I hope at least one of the people you invited is a photographer," Jenny said.

"You haven't been able to find a photographer?" the man asked.

"None that Kathy and I like. Niki and Nancy are supposed to be looking into finding one," Jenny said.

"Would it be alright to talk to her, do you think?" the man asked.

"Governor it might be better to ask me that question. As for who you've invited I hope it doesn't involve all those men running around that look like Secret Service, I'd like to keep this a family only wedding," I said.

"I've given some thought to what you said the last time we talked Ms DeMay," the governor said.

"I'm glad to hear that, but as yet I know nothing has been done about it," I said.

"I'm afraid until after the next election there isn't likely to be anything done about it, but I have been talking to several of the local organizations about supporting it," the governor said.

"What about your voter base, have they caught wind of your change of heart?" I asked.

"We were both right about that. It seems most of those who elected me aren't happy about me standing up for my sisters marriage, and those who didn't are starting to make a lot more noise and while many of them still refuse to talk to me, or even believe I might be more open to change do out number the older voters that seem to think change is bad," the governor said.

"So what is it you want governor? If it's what I think it is I'm sorry but there is no way, I'm trying to get my law offices up and running. Maybe your cousin would be more willing to entertain the idea," I said.

"Are you always like that? Knowing what someone is thinking without them ever saying a word about it?" the governor asked.

Jenny started laughing since I had no doubt Kathy had told her I was able to guess what someone wanted by very general clues.

"I don't see what is so funny," the governor said.

"Kathy and I both told you she'd never go for it. Kathy even tried to tell you that beating around the bush wouldn't work, and she would know what you wanted before you had a chance to ask," Jenny said.

"Alex I've never seen anyone who could give an argument so compelling," the governor said.

"I'm a lawyer, my first five year out of law school I was a contract lawyer, and to do my job had to be able to give a compelling argument," I said.

I wasn't going to allow him to try bullying me into running for public office, especially since the office he seemed to want me to run for was his.

I slipped into the back room and the gal checking to insure the dress was ready helped me out of the dress and gave me looks I couldn't even begin to interpret.

"Why does he want you to run for public office?" she asked.

"We ran into each other the day I got my license to open my own law firm. He mistook me for my sister who happens to be his sisters wife, and after finding out I wasn't his sister-in-law started apologizing for not looking into a matter when the information he needed wasn't given to him. We started talking about the fact his sisters marriage to my sister isn't recognized in our home state and I gave him an argument he didn't like but couldn't find a way around," I said.

"So who is he?" she asked.

"The Governor, and one of the biggest obstacles in the way of either my sisters or my marriage being recognized in our home state," I said.

"So you all don't live around here?" she asked.

"No we don't live around here. For my fiancée and I we are here because of the trial that ended the first of the week, my sisters are here to offer support and Jenny is here because she wasn't going to let my sister out of her sight for however long the trial took," I said.

"Did he say you all are DeMay's?" she asked.

"Probably. I'm Alexandra DeMay, my twin sister is Kathy DeMay," I said.

"So your family is the one with all the twins?" she asked.

"I have no idea. Our family moved away from here when I was six. After we moved we never saw any DeMay's other than grandma and grandpa would come visit and even that stopped after about five years. Until I came here on business I didn't remember ever having lived here and didn't know I had any family apart from my sisters, until I met Uncle Brian and his family," I said.

"The DeMay family is big around here, but Uncle Brian and his family are kind of the out casts in the DeMay family, mostly because of their son Alexander," she said.

"Let me guess he was a pain no one wanted to deal with? If that's the case I'm glad Uncle Brian and Aunt Gwen were the only ones we've met as far as I know since getting here. I doubt I'd like much of the rest of the family," I said.

"I don't think I understand, Alexander is a monster the way he treats people," she said.

"And rather than anyone telling him why that kind of behavior isn't appropriate everyone just alienates him and his family making him feel less accepted. Since I got here and met Alexander he isn't the same punk he was, and is actually a very caring kid," I said.

She tried carrying on about what a monster Alex was and I did my best to ignore her. It was obvious she didn't like him and wasn't willing to give him a chance.

I called Andrea and asked if she had Alex with her and if there was any chance of them coming by the bridal shop. She told me they were just around the corner and hoped to get a chance to see my dress so would be over in a couple minutes.

I didn't bother telling her I had already taken the dress back off so the best they could hope for was seeing it on a hanger.

When Andrea walked in followed by Alex and Lindsey I was sure the gal that I had been talking to was going to try kicking them out.

"Alex can you tell me who this person is, and how it is they seem to know so much about our family?" I asked.

"Her name is Dierdre Winslow a cousin. I guess she knows so much about the family since she is family. Her mom is dads sister," Alexander said.

I nodded and thanked him for letting me know since Dierdre hadn't bothered.

"It seems to me Dierdre it isn't Alexander who is lacking in manners so much as you. The day I met Alex he told me who he was and even took me to meet his parents. This is the third time I've been in here and you knew I was a DeMay and until Alex told me who you are I never knew we were even remotely related. Since my father and Uncle Brian are brothers and your mother is Uncle Brian's sister that means she is my fathers sister as well which means we are cousins," I said.

"Then your dad is Uncle David?" Dierdre asked.

"I guess he is," I said.

"So how is it your so rich?" Dierdre asked.

"Because I was a very good contract lawyer," I said. "Maybe if you weren't so self centered you would have let me know you were family. Then maybe you'd know why I'm here and a little of what I went through to get where I am now," I said.

An older woman walked in that looked a lot like dad and Uncle Brian. I assumed it was Dierdre's mother, but wasn't about to guess. I looked her over and realized she was even older than dad, but not even close to being old enough to be grandma.

"Hello Alex, how's my baby brother doing?" the woman asked in more a statement than a question.

"Dad's fine Aunt Geri, but I'm surprised you would even bother asking me," Alexander said.

"You could be a little more polite, I swear if you weren't family..." Aunt Geri said, before turning her attention to me. "You do have the DeMay look to you dear, but I sure don't recall ever seeing you before."

"No, I don't imagine you would remember having ever met me before since the last time I was in this town I was only six years old," I said.

"That means you would be either Kevin or Andrea?" Aunt Geri asked.

"I'm Alexandra and my twin sister goes by Kathy, I do seem to remember you now since only one person from back then ever called me Kevin, and was told several times it wasn't a name I would answer to," I said.

"So you are Kevin?" Aunt Geri asked.

"I don't know anyone named Kevin. My legal name is Alexandra Kate DeMay, if you think you can use something other than my name you'll find yourself in a civil lawsuit for defamation faster than you can turn around, and I promise you there are very few lawyers who would dare go up against my law firm in a law suit," I said.

"Your law firm? I highly doubt that, around here my husband is considered the best," Aunt Geri said.

"Then I suggest you talk to your husband and ask him about Alexandra DeMay, I have no doubt he has heard of me," I said.

Dierdre was already calling her father to find out if he knew who I was.

"Mom, dad wants to talk to you," Dierdre said.

I watched as Aunt Geri took the phone and asked if her husband knew of an Alexandra DeMay. She started turning the darkest shade of red I've ever seen since the day David died. Whatever Uncle Pete said it obviously wasn't something Aunt Geri liked.

I didn't wait for her to finish her conversation, I knew who Pete Winslow was by reputation, and the fact I had gone against him a couple times in contract disputes. The first time we went head to head I was still a new lawyer fresh out of school and he was a seasoned lawyer who was known as one of the best. I tried meeting with him to see if there wasn't a chance of settling the dispute out of court and all he saw was a very young attorney fresh out of college with no real experience. He told me he wasn't authorized to deal since his client knew they were in the right. I asked about the points my client was concerned about and he started laughing, and told me if that was the best I could come up with to get ready to go to court.

I talked to my client and found this wasn't the first time our opponent had tried something like this, so started looking for other cases dealing with much the same issues. The first day in court we each presented our cases and he was allowed to call his witnesses first. His first witness started going over the contract omitting the part in dispute and when I called it to the attention of the court the judge asked for a full copy of the contract. Pete's client provided a copy of the contract as did my client. Both copies photo copies showing date and time the contract was entered into. The difference was Pete's clients copy was missing a couple pages that completely changed the contract.

The judge started going over both copies and were the copy Pete's client was missing the first page the contract made little sense where the copy my client furnished was much more complete. Pete gave me a dirty look and asked for a recess so he could talk to his client and find out what kind of game they were playing. The judge denied the recess and instead asked if Pete had anyone else he wanted to call on who might be able to shed some light on what was going on. Pete said he didn't and the judge asked if I wanted to call anyone to assist in my case. When I didn't call anyone the judge declared my client the injured party and awarded them double what they would have been willing to settle for outside the courtroom.

"Kevin DeMay! Who the hell do you think you are?" Aunt Geri asked.

I walked out the door never showing any sign of hearing her. My name wasn't Kevin and as far as I was concerned never had been.

"Alex, please," Dierdre said just before the door closed.

"Someone will be here to pick up the dress no later than noon tomorrow Dierdre, since it is already paid for I do suggest you have it ready. If you can accept me for who I am your welcome to attend the wedding, if however your like your mother and believe someone has to be who you think they should be I'd rather you not be there," I said.

I let the door close and gave my daughters and cousin a hug. Jenny stood there wondering if I was going to go with the kids or let her finish taking me shopping for something she felt would be appropriate for the party her and Kathy had planned for the night.

When I slid in the passenger seat of her rental car she ran around and slid in looking at me like I had lost my mind.

"I don't understand you sometime Alex," Jenny said.

"Because of how I treated my aunt, Jenny I don't remember her other than someone before we moved always called me Kevin and got upset because I always dressed like a girl. Even back then I refused to acknowledge the name Kevin and always went by Karen. As I remember only that one relative refused to call me Karen," I said.

"Karen wasn't ever your name though," Jenny said.

"No, Karen was never my name, but Kathy gave me that name and until the abuse started I loved that name," I said.

Jenny started the car and headed for a store I didn't know. I gave a dirty look when she pulled up to the store and I saw what kind of store it was.

"What makes you think this place has anything I would want?" I asked.

"You may not want the kind of things this store has, but you said Kathy and I are in charge of this wedding, and that means any parties we think there should be too. So you can either sit out here while I go inside, or you can come in with, but this store has the kind of dress you're wearing to tonights party," Jenny said.

The kind of dress this store carried was as short as the dresses I had worn in prison, and never really fit properly. I knew if Jenny was doing this to me, Kathy was doing the same thing to Heather, and knowing Heather she wasn't putting up near the fuss it seemed I was.

Inside the store I started looking through some of the different things they had and wondered if Heather would be interested in any of them.

Jenny headed straight for the dresses, so I joined her and noticed these dresses rather than the one-size-fits-all were in small, medium, large and extra-large. I picked up a medium and held it up to see if perhaps it might fit to find Jenny with the same dress in a small.

"How about this dress?" Jenny asked holding the small out to me.

"Fine but I think this medium will fit better," I said.

She smiled and took the medium from me holding it with the small she had and walked me over to the dressing room to try it on.

I knew which dress was which and noticed when she handed me one of them to try on it was the small. I knew arguing wasn't going to get me the bigger dress and if I didn't try it on and walked out instead she would get the small and expect me to wear it to this party her and Kathy planned.

I took off the dress I was wearing and slid the dress she wanted me to try on over my head tugging it down trying to get the skirt down further than I knew it could go. Since there weren't any mirrors in the dressing room it meant opening the door and walking into the store to look in a mirror. Before I made it to the mirror Jenny said my panties showed and that wasn't a good thing so either I take them off or she would. I stepped back in the room and slid my panties down my legs again stepping back out in the store.

I stepped in front of the mirror and noticed that the dress was tight on my hips so I did see the panties would have caused ugly lines if I were still wearing them. Jenny pushed me into a chair and handed me a pair of thigh high boots that had to have had at least a four inch stiletto heels on them telling me to put them on.

While I put on the boots she disappeared for long enough to have gone out to the car and back, and I noticed my shoes were missing from where I set them to put the boots on.

"You can't seriously expect me to run around town dressed like this," I said.

"We'll be going back to your uncles from here, after all Nancy said she will need time, and since your sisters and aunt are taking you out to the party it would only be right," Jennifer said.

## Chapter 57

I was starting to regret letting Kathy and Jenny have so much say in everything leading up to the wedding. It seemed they wanted to remind me of what I went through protecting my sisters and again when I was sent to prison for changing my name.

Didn't they understand how much I wanted to forget those times? To move past all that hurt? The tears started rolling down my cheeks as I sat there in Jenny's car on the ride back to my uncles.

The first time dad took me to one of those meetings and the dress that did nothing to hide the panties I was wearing. All those men telling me how pretty I was, touching me in ways I didn't understand. All those years of being nothing more than a sex toy for those men to use however they wanted, so my sisters wouldn't have to suffer the same fate.

With each tear the dread that even my own sisters saw me as nothing more than a sex toy set in deeper. Each tear burning a track deeper into what I had fought so hard to keep them from. What would my kids think of me seeing me unable to defend myself from something I fought to defend others from for so long?

Jenny pulled up in front of the house and started to get out and finally saw the tears running down my cheeks and realized I wasn't there.

She leaned over to me and gave me a small hug and realized whatever she told me to do I would do, but chances were it would only ever be a mechanical response on my part, I wasn't there. I was somewhere else in a world no one else could find.

I don't know how long I sat there in the car, or how long Jenny had been gone. The world I was trapped in didn't exist in a reality the people around me knew. I was again a little girl playing dolls with my sisters, mom and dad smiling while David played army with some of our cousins his age. The house one from a time before any of the pain that marked so much of my life.

No that wasn't right the pain started right there in that house. We were all having a good time all my aunts and uncles accepting me as Karen, twin sister to Kathy, who they all called Andrea. Everything was going great then Aunt Geri insisted on calling me Kevin a name I hated, because it depicted everything I hated about myself.

Mom and dad tried telling her my name was Karen, but she refused to listen. Even Uncle Pete called me Karen, but never said anything to Aunt Geri about her refusal to accept me as Karen.

"Alex are you alright?" Heather asked.

Aunt Geri was the only one who couldn't accept anyone for who they were, but if anyone said anything that called her identity into question would throw a fit telling them she was the only one able to define who she was.

"I love you sweetheart. I'll always love you," Heather said.

That was the day the pain started. That was the day I learned that some people think they are right regardless of what the facts say, simply because they think the world revolves around them.

"They didn't mean this to hurt you my love. It has all been done in fun. I don't think they understand the depth of hurt you've been through," Heather said.

Heather's words hit on something that drew me back to the present enough to realize where I was and how I was dressed. The tears started again this time because it seemed someone did understand.

"I know they don't know as much as you do of what I went through, but they should know enough to understand what kind of memories asking me to dress like this would dredge up," I said.

"I think they do understand now. I have a blanket here you can wrap around yourself to get in the house where you can change into something a little less of a threat," Heather said.

She held out a blanket offering me a hand getting out of the car. As I stood she wrapped the blanket around me making sure it covered the dress entirely so no one would be able to tell I was wearing anything but the blanket. She put her arm around my waist walking me slowly into the house, guiding me to a bed room where the clothes I put on that morning were laid out on the bed.

I turned in her arms and gave her a kiss thanking her for understanding, and noticed she wasn't wearing the kind of clothes it seemed my sister and sister-in-law thought we should wear for the evening.

"I told Kathy it wasn't a good idea to try dressing us that way. Alex I had to tell her some of what I knew to convince her why it wasn't a good idea. They didn't know. Kathy said she never would have thought of asking you to dress like this if she had known. She said she did it because of how happy you seemed to have been the couple times she visited you when you were in jail," Heather said.

"I wore those clothes in jail because to me they were better than what everyone else wore and they allowed me to feel like the woman I know I am. I didn't get to choose the kind of clothes I wore and if it meant wearing those dresses or wearing the jeans and boots all the men wore I preferred the dresses," I said.

"I think she understands that now," Heather said.

I let the blanket fall on the floor and tore the dress they thought was appropriate for a party I wanted no part in, trying to get it off. I didn't care if I destroyed this dress I never wanted to wear anything like it again. Heather watched as the dress tore from the neckline down as I was anything but gentle in taking it off. She knew more about what I had been through than anyone, even Jesse, who had been through a hell almost as bad.

I pulled on the panties and picked up the dress laying on the bed gently sliding it over my head and tugged it down on my shoulders. Heather helped me with the zipper and smiled when I turned before she was able to get it all the way up.

"Your still the most beautiful person I've ever met," Heather said leaning in to give me a kiss.

"Your only saying that because you love me," I said winking at her.

Once I was back in the clothes I put on that morning we walked back out to where everyone else was and found while my sisters were all wearing mini-skirts they were all dressed more modestly than what they tried getting me to wear.

"Alex I'm sorry I didn't know," Jenny said coming over and giving me a hug.

"I know I was wearing something very much like what you tried getting me to wear when we first met, but I didn't have a lot of choice back then," I said.

"I understand that now, I didn't before. I never would have done something like that, but I didn't think dressing that way would really mean anything other than a little fun and games. I keep forgetting what you've been through," Jenny said.

"Kathy shouldn't have forgotten, but she didn't know how those people made me dress, so maybe she really didn't know," I said.

"I'm still sorry to have cause you such discomfort," Jenny said.

"Jenny if I thought everyone needed to know what I went through I would tell everyone. A good way of being safe about something like this in the future is to think about whether what is going on could be seen as making someone into a sexual object or allowing them to be a person. For me dresses like that turn someone into a sexual object, that doesn't mean I can't accept someone else doesn't feel that way, but because of what I've been through it does mean that for me. I know what you were planning was supposed to be in fun, but I've fought to long and to hard to find any fun in games that most people find harmless adult fun," I said.

I turned away not telling her I accepted her apology but not sure I needed to either. Dresses like that advertised sex and I couldn't let anyone think I was looking for sex first and foremost. I had someone I loved, who loved me and I wasn't interested in trying to find anyone else.

"Alex?" Kathy asked when I just stood there wishing I could find fun in what they had planned.

"I'm sorry Kathy but I can't wear things like that anymore," I said.

"Would the size medium of that dress have created that kind of reaction?" Kathy asked.

"I don't know, and right now I really don't care. I'm not a sex object, and I never want to be treated as one again," I said.

"Jesse has told me a lot about what they did to her. She said you did everything you could to make things for her better than they had been for you, if that's true I can't begin to imagine what they did to you," Kathy said.

"No. I'm sure you can't, and I'm asking that you not ask me to ever tell you, because I'm not sure I could, even if I had too," I said.

"I'm sorry about what happened. I didn't think anything about it, or how you might react. I guess I thought since it was something Jenny and I did the night before we got married it might be fun for you," Kathy said.

"I know I seem like a stick in the mud sometimes, and I really don't mean to be, but this deal with those who abused so many is still so fresh for me. I was the only one called to the witness stand before they decided to change their plea to guilty. I spent half a day on that stand telling the court what I went through. For me to do that meant calling those memories up so it was like living through it again," I said.

"I didn't know that Alex. If I had known that I don't think I would have ever let it go as far as it did. Maybe if you didn't seem so unshakable all the time," Kathy said.

"Since we were eight years old I've been fighting to keep what happened to me from ever happening to you. Kathy that's over twenty years, and during all that time I didn't know who I could turn to for help. I fought alone because as far as I knew there wasn't anyone else," I said.

"I'm sorry I haven't been a nicer sister. I must have seemed so selfish so many times. I really didn't know," Kathy said tears running down her cheeks.

I gave her a hug and walk into the back yard were the older kids were going through their workout. I watched to see if they were ready to learn a few more moves and noticed the girls helping Alexander correct some of the moves he kept getting wrong. Some of Alex's friends were over trying to learn and it seemed my girls were so far ahead of them all it was like they were in another world.

Angela and Marie caught my attention and I watched them in their little dance and noticed all the moves I had taught the older girls were in their dance along with some I hadn't taught or even shown the older girls other than if they saw me doing my workout.

One of the older kids spotted me and they all stopped what they were doing as though wanting me to come help them.

"Alex will you show us some exercises for learning to use the sword?" Alexander asked.

"You aren't ready for that yet Alex. Even Andrea and Lindsey aren't ready for that yet," I said.

"My sensei said I'm ready," Alexander said.

"Then get him to teach you. If you want me to teach you, you'll start listening to what I've told you about balance," I said.

"I listened, but it isn't easy to do what you said," Alexander said.

"Your right, it isn't easy, but it should be easier for you than it was for me, since you shouldn't have as much trouble finding good memories, memories that bring peace rather than conflict," I said.

"And why should it be easier for me than it was for you?" Alexander asked, drawing a moan from both Andrea and Lindsey.

I turned back to the house knowing the tears were going to start falling again if I didn't get away.

"Alex mom was abused most of her life," Andrea said.

"I... I didn't know," Alexander said.

"And mom never would have told you, because she doesn't talk about it. Aunt Jesse said mom was abused worse than she was and I saw how she was abused," Andrea said.

"That's what that court thing was all about, wasn't it?" Alexander asked.

"Mom, Aunt Jesse and I were all scheduled to get on the witness stand to testify. Mom was the only one of us who did. Those people changed their plea to guilty after mom said whatever it was she said, and she won't talk about that either," Andrea said.

The door closed behind me and I headed for the front door. I needed some time and this wasn't were I would find it. I reached the front door just as Uncle Brian opened it, getting home from his job.

"Hello Alex," Uncle Brian said.

"Uncle Brian did you know what Kathy and Jenny had planned for tonight?" I asked.

"I think it might be better if we talk about this somewhere else," Uncle Brian said.

He put his arm around my shoulders and together we walked out the front door.

"I heard them talking about it, but I don't think they wanted my input since as soon as they knew I was close enough to hear they would change the subject," Uncle Brian said.

"How much do you know about what happened after we moved?" I asked.

"Not a lot, after my parents died I never heard anything about your family. I knew your folks had gotten involved in the predominant religion were you live now, but that was all I knew," Uncle Brian said.

"Most of the people indicted in that trial, we came here for, were leaders in that religion. From what I know now, dad got behind on the house payments and that religion offered to lend him the money to get caught up and stay caught up. Unfortunately dad didn't read the contract very well, and between owing them money and wanting to believe what they sold as true, things happened that shouldn't have. Because of the power that religion had in that area dad didn't really have anywhere he could turn after finding out what the contract really said," I said.

"So he was blackmailed into abusing you and your sister?" Uncle Brian asked.

"Not exactly. They demanded he bring someone to those meetings, and dad chose me because I refused to be the boy that religion said I was supposed to be. He thought it would be better to lose one of his children than all of them. David is the one who took Jesse to those meetings and dad was powerless to stop him," I said.

"Alex from what I remember before you moved your parents and brother all accepted you as a girl, and David couldn't have been a better big brother," Uncle Brian said.

"He was a great big brother for a year or two after we moved too. Then that religion started coming around and the more dad and David bought into it the worse things got. David started making fun of me, calling me names and telling me I was going to hell because I wanted to be a girl. I tried to talk to mom and dad about it and got told to grow up and start acting like a boy," I said.

"And because you couldn't be a boy... Alex I can't begin to understand what happened, I know your dad and I were close and both your dad and I came down hard on Geri because of how she treated you. Your dad even told her she wasn't welcome if she couldn't accept you for who you said you are," Uncle Brian said.

"I found out today her daughter Dierdre is the one who made my dress. Aunt Geri came in just before we left and tried calling me Kevin. She didn't like that I told her she could either use my legal name or I would file a lawsuit against her for defamation," I said.

"From what I've heard that should have been enough to scare her. The last time I talked to her husband he was going on about some young lawyer fresh out of school that won a judgment against one of his clients for double what it would have cost to settle out of court. What I found so amazing was he said that young lawyers name was Alexandra DeMay," Uncle Brian said.

"We went head to head a couple times, and after the first time he was more than willing to talk to me outside the courtroom. Every time we ever found ourselves on opposite sides he talked his client into settling rather than facing me in the courtroom," I said.

"For the longest time he bragged about being able to beat anyone in the courtroom," Uncle Brian said.

"Uncle Brian you know I'm starting my own law firm. I was wondering what you would think if I got a license to practice here as well as back home?" I asked.

"If it would mean getting a chance to see you more often I'm all for it," Uncle Brian said.

"I don't know if it would mean that or not. Chances are I'd try finding lawyers around here to staff an office here," I said.

"I'll bet Pete would be interested if you did," Uncle Brian said.

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"I know he isn't happy with the firm he's with. He said something about they are asking him to do things that aren't ethical," Uncle Brian said.

"I thought he was a partner in the firm he works for," I said.

"Alex the best I can suggest is talking to him. If you want I can see if he'll come over and talk to you about it," Uncle Brian said.

"I'd be willing to talk to him, but I won't offer him a full partnership unless he's willing to do things my way," I said.

"And your way is?" Uncle Brian asked.

"I don't break, or even stretch the law, even if it means I'll lose. I'm also asking every attorney working with me to be willing to take pro-bono cases, or cases for people who can't really afford us and still do their best even calling in one of the partners in the firm if they aren't sure," I said.

"How many partners are there so far?" Uncle Brian asked.

"Four starting Monday, the last partner is the beautiful woman I'm supposed to be marrying tomorrow," I said.

"You mean Heather? From everything I've heard about that trial she is one vicious lawyer in the courtroom," Uncle Brian said.

"She has a lot to learn still. Even though I was a witness for the prosecution she still asked me about a lot of how to handle that case," I said.

Uncle Brian reached for his cell phone and came up empty. He either left it in his car or at work and he wasn't sure at the moment which.

I guess we'll need to wait until we're in the house for me to call Pete to see if he might be interested," Uncle Brian said.

I handed him my phone since I still wasn't ready to go back in the house. What happened from the adult store home scared me and I was sure Kathy and Jennifer were still wanting to do the party they planned.

"Pete I have someone who would like to talk to you, possibly make you an offer," Uncle Brian said.

I couldn't hear what Uncle Pete said, but from the comments Uncle Brian made I was sure Uncle Pete was coming over.

We reached a park that wasn't far from Uncle Brian's home and I found a bench and sat down.

"Somethings bothering you. If you need to talk I'm willing to listen, but I'm not sure there's anything I can do to help," Uncle Brian said.

"Kathy and Jennifer planned some kind of bachelorette party for Heather and I, and I'm not sure I can handle something like that," I said.

"This goes back to all the abuse you suffered doesn't it?" Uncle Brian asked.

I smiled and saw a car drive by and stop. I kept an eye on the car and saw Uncle Pete get out and walk over to where we sat on the bench. As he got closer I knew he recognized me and caution entered his every move.

"Pete I'm not sure if you remember our niece Alexandra," Uncle Brian said when he was close enough to hear.

"I remember her, but I didn't know she was our niece," Uncle Pete said.

"It's good to see you Uncle Pete, I promise this doesn't have anything to do with one of my clients disagreeing with a contract from one of your clients," I said.

"I guess I should feel thankful for that, though I have quit dealing with clients who purposely alter their contracts to try keeping from having to make settlements," Uncle Pete said.

"I'm glad to hear that," I said.

"Brian you said you had a deal I might be interested in," Uncle Pete said.

"Actually it isn't me who has the offer. Pete I remember you saying something about not liking the firm you're working for and know someone in the process of setting up their own firm who is thinking of opening an office here," Uncle Brian said.

"Let me guess you forgot the rest of what I said that day?" Uncle Pete asked.

"Actually I do remember what you said. Something about retiring because you doubted there was another firm out there that was interested in fighting for truth rather than what was easy. If I'm not mistaken," Uncle Brian said.

"And you think you know a firm more interested in getting to the truth than telling lies just to get their client off? Brian the only lawyer I've ever seen who seemed to hold that stand was this young lady, you say is our niece," Uncle Pete said.

"I retired six years ago Uncle Pete, because the firm I was working for wanted me to do the kind of thing you're talking about, as well as denying me a full partnership I had earned and been promised," I said.

"So your coming out of retirement? Are you planning on doing just contract law like you were doing?" Uncle Pete asked.

"Actually my firm is taking whatever kind of cases we can find. For now most of our work is pro-bono for clients who didn't have lawyers who cared one way or another if they did their job. I have three partners who are all great lawyers and care as much for the law as I do, but I am the one fronting all the costs of getting the firm started," I said.

"I'm guessing your the one with the offer Brian was talking about then?" Uncle Pete asked.

"Uncle Pete I haven't lived here since I was six years old. I have a ranch back home I have no intention of leaving, as well as four wonderful daughters that love that ranch as much as I do. While I can't offer a full partnership at this time I am thinking of opening an office here, and could really use a great lawyer to run it for me. The one condition is that they are willing to get to the truth even if it means their client ends up paying a cost they don't think they should have to pay," I said.

"So even if your client has to pay you still consider it a win if the truth is brought out?" Uncle Pete asked.

"Uncle Pete not every case I handled was what some would call a win since some of my clients did end up having to pay settlements they didn't like, but they knew justice was served and I did what was right. To me doing what is right is always a win," I said.

"So are one of your partners going to be moving here? Alex I know I could handle working for you, but doubt I know any of your partners," Uncle Pete said.

"Come to my wedding tomorrow and you can meet all three of them," I said.

"Wait a minute you said you moved from here when you were six. Your one of Dave's kids aren't you?" Uncle Pete asked.

"I'm the oldest of the second set of twins. As I recall you didn't have a problem accepting me as a girl back then though your wife did," I said.

"You went by Karen back then? Geri isn't likely to ever accept you as a woman, but as I recall we never met you before you moved that you didn't dress and act just like Jessica," Uncle Pete said.

"I haven't used the name Karen since the day I left home for college. After we moved Karen became a name I hated because of things that happened. Things that have brought me back here," I said.

"That federal trial that just ended? I'm not sure why something like that would have brought you back here and I'm not sure I want to know," Uncle Pete said.

"My fiancée was the prosecuting attorney in that case and on Monday will become my third partner in the firm," I said.

"So your here because of her?" Uncle Pete asked.

"Yes, and no. I'm here because I needed to be here. My other partners are dealing with a couple cases I had back home since my being here wasn't exactly an option," I said.

"In other words this is something you'd rather not talk about?" Uncle Pete asked.

"Alex was a witness in that case. It seems my big brother got into some trouble after moving and Alex suffered for his mistakes," Uncle Brian said.

"Can I ask what kind of pay I would be starting at, if I accept your offer?" Uncle Pete asked.

"Can I ask how much your present firm is paying? Uncle Pete I can't make any promises since I haven't really got a clue how much I have left for this. Right now the clients we have can't afford our rates, but that doesn't mean they don't deserve the best representation they can get. My partners all have their own clients they brought with them other than Heather, and I have no doubt she'll be able to gain a few government cases if she wants. Right now I don't have a license to practice law in this state, though I believe both Heather and Allen do, and even Brent might. There now you know the names of all my partners," I said.

"Allen Jessup? I'm not sure of Heather, though you did say she was the prosecutor in that federal case that just finished up here, and I also don't have a clue who this Brent is," Uncle Pete said.

"Allen Jessup graduated right behind me in my class, Brent Cordell graduated right behind Allen. Heather Menes is my fiancée and graduated a couple years ahead of Allen Brent and I at the top of her class," I said.

"You weren't kidding when you said you had top lawyers joining you. I've heard of all of them and from what I've heard about them they're as ruthless as you at getting to the truth," Uncle Pete said.

"We were all four of us close in school, Heather and I even got married back then though the marriage license we had was one we drew up ourselves, and the person officiating the wedding wasn't legally able to preform weddings at the time since like us they were a student," I said.

"And your sure your my niece?" Uncle Pete asked.

"If your married to Geraldine DeMay I am, from what I know of the family Geraldine was the oldest followed by dad, and Uncle Brian is about as much younger than dad as Niki and Nancy are than Kathy and I," I said.

## Chapter 58

Uncle Pete offered Uncle Brian and I a ride back to Uncle Brian's and insisted on coming in to meet everyone.

Uncle Brian did the introductions while I found a nice quiet corner to sit in. Everyone seemed happy to meet Uncle Pete, and tell him about their lives and get the views of things from someone else. The tears of what almost happened earlier were still close and the last thing I wanted was to be reminded of why I was here and the memories of what those people had done.

After several minutes of sitting in the corner I got up and headed out back to try taking my mind off everything. I started into my workout routine and felt the balance returning I had almost lost. I knew Alex had nunchaku as well as a sword, and soon found myself doing a full workout spinning the nunchaku through one set of moves and switching to sword for another set. By the time I finished with the sword I had the target Alex had in sight and was throwing my stars stacking them neatly in the target, leaving just enough room between each star to come back and throw one in between them.

I didn't notice when everyone came out and started watching me going through my workout. And was surprised when I heard the gasp of someone when I started filling the holes I'd left.

"I've never seen anything like that before," Uncle Pete said.

"It seems our niece has learned a great deal none of us know much about," Uncle Brian said.

"I'm not sure what that was she was doing, but it was amazing to watch," Uncle Pete said.

"Alex is a grandmaster in martial arts," Alexander beamed.

I looked around and smiled as the fear of what Kathy and Jennifer had wanted vanished in my workout.

"A grandmaster? I don't think I know what that means," Uncle Pete said.

"It simply means I can't compete in any martial arts competitions," I said.

"It means a lot more than that since even a master in martial arts can't compete in competitions," Alexander said.

"A master in martial arts is anyone who holds a black belt higher than eighth dan. Alex is a tenth dan black belt," Uncle Brian said.

I found it incredible how everyone seemed to know so much about me. Yes, Alexander's sensei and my old sensei had both called me a grandmaster, but I didn't see it. Supposedly there was never more than one or two grandmasters at a time. I knew I had a fair understanding of what martial arts were, but I was sure there were others who knew as much or more than I ever would. My old master had been one of the top ten in the world, and I would never have considered my abilities even close to his. He knew what perfect balance was, and told me on more than one occasion that unless I was willing to release the burden I carried I would never be able to be the best I was capable of.

I knew I had finally found a balance that was nearly perfect, but today had shown just how weak even this balance was.

"Those moves you were making? You learned all of them while you were in college?" Uncle Pete asked.

"I needed to find balance in mind and body. Martial arts teaches that balance if someone is willing to learn. Some of the moves I made are moves I invented though they do all have a founding in the martial arts I learned while in college," I said.

"The balance you needed made it possible for you to do what you did with those butterflies of yours?" Uncle Pete asked.

"Until recently my balance has always been shaky at best. Today I found out even now my balance isn't perfect, but it was through learning balance I was able to learn to throw my stars with such accuracy, it is also how I learned to use the nunchaku and the sword with the proficiency I can," I said.

"I imagine it isn't easy for someone to sneak up on you?" Uncle Pete asked.

"That's why I ended up in the hospital a few months back. I guess I'm luckier than the guy that stabbed me though since he's dead and I'm still here," I said.

"I'm sorry, I don't think I understand," Uncle Pete said.

"Ever since the arrests started for that case we just finished there have been people trying to kill Alex. For some reason Alex did something out of character and went to the mall window shopping. Several people bumped into her so she didn't think much about it. One guy bumped into her and stuck a knife in her puncturing one of her lungs but missing her heart. By the time she knew she had been stabbed the man was about two hundred feet away from her and she let one of her butterflies fly and it hit the man in the neck killing him, she then managed to make it to the pay phones and call for help. Before the police understood what was happening she passed out from loss of blood," Heather said.

"What is it, nothing about my life can be private? I'm sorry Uncle Pete, but I hate every time I've had to use any of my martial arts skills other than in practice. If all anyone can find to talk about is me, please, let me know so I can go somewhere else," I said.

I turned for the door and ran in the house, but didn't stop there, I reached the front door and was through it and started down the sidewalk to the street before I thought about what I was doing. I didn't even know if I had gathered my stars and at the moment it didn't matter.

I started down the street turning the corner and took off again at a run turning at the next corner heading for town or wherever the road I was on would take me. The tears started again when I turned out of the housing area on what appeared to be a main road. I didn't know if I was headed toward town, but I didn't care either. All I wanted was an escape.

I saw a bar ahead of me and turned in when I reached it.

"What'll it be ma'am?" the bartender asked.

"I don't care, something strong, that'll help me forget," I said.

"Bad day I take it?" the bartender asked setting a drink on the counter.

"Keep them coming until that's gone," I said setting a one hundred dollar bill on the counter.

I found a table back in the corner were I could see anyone who came in, but it would be difficult to see me. Someone started the jukebox playing and I sat there trying to ignore everything around me.

"Care to dance," someone asked and I looked at them hoping they would get the idea I didn't want to do anything but drink my drink.

"What, your good enough to come in our hangout but to good to dance?" the man said.

"Look asshole I'm not here to dance, I'm here to try forgetting for a while, so why don't you go ask someone else, or dance with yourself," I said.

The man easily made three of me, but I didn't care. He couldn't do anything that hadn't been done before and more times than I could count.

"There ain't nobody else here. So come on baby let's dance," the man said reaching for my arm.

I gave him a look that said if he so much as touched me I was going to kill him if he was lucky.

"Eddie leave her alone, or you'll never get back in here again," the bartender said.

"You think your big enough to stop me Dan? If she can come in here she can dance," Eddie said.

"I'd listen to him if I were you Eddie. You even think of trying to force me and you'll be carried out of here and probably spend a very long time in the hospital," I said.

"Yea, and who's going to put me there? You ain't as big as Dan, and he knows as well as anyone that comes here he couldn't do it," Eddie said.

"Eddie you don't know me, and you don't want to, but so you are warned I do have two black belts in martial arts," I said.

"I guess that's supposed to scare me?" Eddie asked.

"No that's supposed to protect me so when the police get here after I put you in the hospital, Dan can tell them you were warned and chose to ignore the warning," I said.

Eddie reach for me again this time getting a hold of my arm and dragging me out of the seat I was in.

As soon as I was on my feet I gave him three punches, one to the stomach, one to the chest and the last one to the throat. He started to let go of me after the first blow, but wasn't fast enough to avoid the other two.

Dan had the phone in his hand when Eddie went down.

"I would suggest calling the paramedics and let them know they better get here soon or he'll be dead, that last blow crushed his windpipe," I said.

I sat back in the chair I had been in and picked up the drink taking a large gulp.

I just wanted to forget. Forget everything, but especially who I am.

I looked at Eddie laying there on the floor and almost puked when I saw he wasn't breathing. I felt to see if by chance I had any of my stars and felt one tucked in a pocket that even I had forgotten about. I took the straw out of the drink I had and knelt on the floor by Eddie to see if I could find where the damage was to his windpipe. I hoped the straw was going to be strong enough to hold up at least until the paramedics showed up. I took the star and made a cut just under the damage I had done to him and tried inserting the straw only to have it collapse when the cut closed around it.

"Dan have you got a pen back there?" I asked.

He tossed a pen at me and stood there watching as I inserted the pen case in the hole I cut in Eddie's throat. Eddie started breathing and I let out a sigh since I hadn't meant to hurt him so bad he almost died.

I heard the sirens and sat back in my chair taking another drink and setting the empty glass back on the table, wishing the noise coming from the jukebox would stop.

Dan brought another drink over for me and set it on the table just as the police walked through the door.

"What's going on here?" one of the biggest cops I had ever seen asked.

"He needs medical attention," I said pointing at Eddie laying on the floor the color returning to his face.

"What happened to him?" the cop asked.

"He thought he could force me to dance with him," I said.

"Your telling me you did this?" the cop asked.

"I warned him I have a couple black belts in martial arts," I said.

"What about it Dan?" the cop asked.

"She told him she had a couple black belts and he grabbed her arm forcing her to stand. She hit him so fast I don't even know how many time she hit him. All I know is he dropped like a rock," Dan said.

"Can I get your name ma'am?" the cop asked.

"Officer I was sitting here minding my own business trying to forget the last twenty years of my life. I warned him and he grabbed me, all I did was defend myself," I said.

"Fine ma'am, but I still need your name," the cop said.

"I don't have one," I said.

"Where's your wallet, ma'am?" the cop asked.

"Why" I asked.

"Ma'am are you going to start cooperating or do we need to take you to the station?" the cop asked.

"You really think you could do that? I'll tell you what you can do here, you call in a half dozen more cars with at least two officers per car and you just might have enough men to manage taking me into your police station, but I can assure you the chances of none of those officers getting hurt are slim to none if you try it," I said.

Heather walked in when I was finishing my comment.

"Officer if I were you I'd accept whatever she's told you and let it go at that," Heather said.

The cop turned to Heather and asked who she was and what made her think she could start giving orders.

"My name is Heather Menes esquire. Alex is my client if need be and I'll advise her to not say anything more to you or any of the other officers here. I have no doubt she already told you she warned the man she had two black belts in martial arts, which does clear her even if he doesn't make it. I have no doubt the bartender also told you what happened, again clearing her of any wrong doing. So unless you want to be named personally in a lawsuit that will likely bankrupt this towns police force I suggest you take the information you have and file your report. My associates and I will talk with Alex and come in so she can give a more complete statement," Heather said.

"So you know this woman?" the cop asked.

"Very well since tomorrow we're supposed to be getting married, her name is Alexandra Kate DeMay esquire," Heather said.

The cop swore under his breath and turned and walked out.

Heather signaled the bar tender to bring her the same kind of drink I had.

"I noticed you didn't tell that cop your name," Heather said.

"How did you find me?" I asked.

"I know you. I found you because I knew all you wanted was to get away form everything back at your uncles, so I followed the same path I would have taken. When I saw the bar and the cop cars I knew I found the right place," Heather said.

"It isn't just what's going on at my uncles. Heather it's everything. I came in here and just wanted to forget everything. Forget the last twenty years," I said tears starting to run down my cheeks again.

"You want to forget about me?" Heather asked.

"I never want to forget about you. Your the best thing that's happened to me over the last twenty years, but I would love to forget everything else, even if it's only for a little while" I said.

"I'd be willing to help you do that," Heather said.

I smiled at her and she smiled back.

"So you two are getting married in the morning?" Dan asked.

"Actually tomorrow evening. I just hope everyone can be here," I said.

"I just got word the boys are here and so are your parents," Heather said.

"I think Uncle Pete wants to come to work for us," I said.

"Allen said something about his wife loves it here better than back home. I'll bet he'd be willing to run an office here and I have no doubt his wife would be willing to reception for them until they can find someone else," Heather said.

"And what about you?" I asked.

"What are the chances of me getting you off that ranch for more than a couple weeks at a time? My place is with you," Heather said.

"Dan is that hundred dollars about used up yet?" I asked.

"I think there's more than enough for at least one more round," Dan said.

"I didn't drive either, Alex I can't think of a better way for us to enjoy our last night unmarried then sitting here getting shit faced together, and trying to forget all the shit we went through over the last twenty years," Heather said.

"Dan before we get to drunk can you do us a favor. When you feel we're drunk enough will you call my Uncle Brian for us? His phone number is listed in both our phones as Uncle Brian DeMay," I said.

"I don't think that hundred you gave me will cover you both getting shit faced," Dan said.

Heather took out a hundred dollar bill and set in on the table and asked if Dan thought that would cover it.

"I take it Kathy gave you access to my bank account?" I asked.

"No, she said she would, but I told her until we're married I was content to live on what I make and even after we're married unless you insist on me having access I'm fine with what I have. Alex that money is yours to do what you want with, until we are actually married it isn't right for me to do all the things that a married woman generally does when it comes to a couples finances," Heather said.

"That's almost the exact opposite of what Tiffany said. She pretty much demanded she have access to my bank account," I said.

"Alex I'm not Tiffany, unlike some people I don't measure a persons worth by what they have in the bank. I fell in love with you when you didn't have two pennies to rub together, and that hasn't changed," Heather said.

"What you did for a living back then has changed though?" I asked.

"I've dated other people since we were in college. I even got engaged a couple times, to the wrong people, but I've never sold myself for sex since the day we had our marriage back then. Allen and Brent both tried talking me into taking dates after that, but I had the most perfect date in the person I loved," Heather said.

I picked up my drink and downed half of it before setting it back on the table.

"Would you care to dance? I promise I won't play anything like what was playing when that creep tried forcing me, and if you say no, that's ok too," I said.

"I don't need any music but what our hearts make to dance with you, and I can't imagine ever saying no to an invitation to dance with you," Heather said.

Together we walked over to the jukebox and started picking out the kind of music we liked. I tried pushing the buttons for the songs we wanted and nothing happened.

"It takes quarters," Dan said, walking over with a handful of quarters.

He dropped a couple in the jukebox and I again pushed the buttons for the song I wanted followed by several others trading off with Heather so the songs I selected and the ones she picked followed each other until they were all done.

I took her in my arms and we started swaying to the sound of the music playing and I felt the tears start again, but this time they weren't of wanting to escape. With this woman in my arms I didn't need an escape, because she was my escape.

"I love you Heather," I said so quietly I wasn't even sure I heard it.

I felt her pull me tighter, her head resting on my shoulder, and all I could do was hold on knowing that as long as she loved me nothing the world could throw at us would be more than we could handle together.

The song ended and the next one started. One just as romantic as the last. We swayed holding each other like we were afraid to let go.

When the second song ended we walked back over to the table and sat across from each other lost in each others stare. The only thing that mattered at this moment was that we were together.

"I've always loved you," I said.

Tears started running down Heather's cheeks and I reached over wiping them off her cheek only to see more take their place.

"I never want you to believe I don't love you, that I don't want or need you," I said.

We both picked up our drinks and started laughing as the reality of what we were doing set in.

"Have you ever felt like you were back in school?" Heather asked.

"I think I know what you mean and it does feel like that day that seems a lifetime ago. I remember how nervous I was the night before and I guess tonight feels much the same. I wondered if what we were doing back then was the right thing to do and after what Kathy and Jenny planned for tonight I started wondering again. Heather I've never doubted the love I have for you, but do wonder if it's right that you should have to be with someone with the kind of baggage I come with," I said.

"We all have baggage Alex. The baggage you have left some rather deep scares but it never tarnished who you are as a person. I think if you can put up with my baggage it's the least I can do to help you deal with yours," Heather said.

Sometime after we started the music people started showing up, raising the noise level in the bar. I hadn't even noticed the other people until someone asked if they could join us at our table.

I looked around and saw the place was almost full and moved around to sit next to Heather.

"Please, feel free," I said as I sat again.

"You look familiar," the person said.

"Which of us do you mean?" Heather asked.

"Both of you actually. Weren't you on TV or something recently?" the person asked.

"We were in the news not long ago," I said.

"You were... I remember now. Your the ones who sent all those people to prison, aren't you?" the person asked.

"They sent themselves to prison by breaking the law," I said.

"Didn't one of you testify against them?" the person asked.

"Does it really matter?" I asked.

"I guess not. My brother said those people were spiritual leaders and wasn't happy when he found out they plead guilty to crimes against women and children. He said who ever claimed they did those things was crazy and should be the person locked up," the person said.

"Do you feel that way? Do you think I should have gone the rest of my life reliving what those people did to me and my sister? What they did to hundreds of other women and children? I'm sorry if your brother thinks more of those people than he does women and children, but I testified because I lived through what those people did for ten years until I was finally able to say no more. My oldest sister lived through what they did for even longer until I was finally able to force them to stop treating my family the way they did, until the day my brother died because of those people and the corruption they practiced and spread in their wake. I remember a time when my family loved each other unconditionally, and it was those people who changed that," I said.

"I don't understand. According to my brother they teach unconditional love," the person said.

"They taught unconditional hate and called it love. Love never hurts someone else, but instead lifts them up. Love accepts someone just because they are, it never judges them because they are different. Love is something beautiful and hate is its exact opposite, it puts down, and belittles. It doesn't accept because of differences. Hate makes a person think they are better than, because of things that don't matter. Those people may have claimed to love, but what they really believed was hate, and they sold their hate to others corrupting as many as they could, and those they couldn't corrupt they tried to destroy," I said.

"Didn't you judge them by testifying against them?" the person asked.

"Did I? In testifying I told the truth of what they did. I didn't say they did things I didn't know they did. I'm not the one who wrote the laws nor am I the one who broke the laws," I said.

"So all you did was tell what you know about them?" the person asked.

"If your hoping to get me to say whether, or not I'm glad for what happened to them, I'm not sure I can. What I am sure of is what happened to them is what the justice system said they deserved. What I can say is that if the justice system hadn't locked them away chances are they would everyone of them be trying to kill me as they did before they were locked away. I was the only person they feared because even with everything they did to me I kept a working ability to function in public, something most of their victims weren't able to manage my own sister included," I said.

"They tried to kill you?" the person asked.

"They hired people to kill her," one of my guardian angels said coming over to join us.

"How would you know that?" The person asked.

"Because my partner and I were hired by those people to kill her. We didn't understand at the time, but have done everything we can since that day to keep anyone from harming her, and almost failed once," my angel said.

"I don't understand," the person said.

"It's a long story and one I know Alex doesn't like hearing. If you really feel the need to know perhaps it would be better if you joined my partner and I at our table so Alex and Heather can have this time for them," my angel said.

"I hope you are both planning on being there tomorrow evening," I said.

"As invited guests?" my angel asked.

"Absolutely. You've both been so wonderful since that day we met. I kind of think of both of you as brothers," I said.

"I'll talk to Phil about it. I guess in a way we both kind of see you as a little sister," my angel said.

"Before you go it might be nice to finally know your names," I said.

"I'm Bill and my partner is Phil, I guess that our names rhythm kind of makes sense since we're twins," Bill said.

"Finally a set of twin boys in my family. I feel honored Bill," I said.

"You do know if I didn't know the whole story about them I would have never guessed they weren't security guards you hired to keep an eye out and insure your safety," Heather said.

I smiled since I knew she did know the whole story.

"I think their the real reason what happened with William happened. I knew I could trust them to be honest with me, and William went out of his way to make them feel like shit for what they started out to do. I really do see them as big protective brothers, and have no doubt they both know if push came to shove they wouldn't have much of a chance against me," I said.

"I'm sure your glad they were there that day in the mall," Heather said.

"I don't remember much about that day, other than wanting to escape and for some reason the mall sounded like a great place to do that," I said.

"You do know this so-called bad memory bit is only going to get you so far with me," Heather said.

I stuck my tongue out at her and we both laughed.

"I really don't know what I would have done without those two men, and William never understood me letting them go and especially didn't understand how I could ever become friends with them," I said.

"I'm not sure any of us understood, but I can accept they do mean a lot to you," Heather said.

"You ladies wouldn't care to dance would you? We'll even buy you a drink if you say yes," someone said smiling at Heather and I.

I started laughing even harder since I was sure Dan was letting everyone know what happened to Eddie for asking me to dance.

"Surely you've heard what happened to the last guy that asked me to dance?" I asked.

"We would never try forcing you, but hope you'll say yes. From what Dan said you seem in a much better mood than when Eddie tried forcing you to dance," the man said.

I looked at the man asking, and his friend, and invited them to sit down so we could talk a little before I'd give them an answer.

"Why do you want us to dance with you?" I asked after they sat down across from us.

"I'm not sure I understand your question," the one to do all the talking thus far said.

"I mean I don't understand why you want to dance with us when it's obvious you would rather dance with each other," I said.

Both men gave me a terrified look that I could see what it was they really wanted, but were afraid of.

"It doesn't do any good to try hiding anything from Alex. She see people in a way few can," Heather said.

"We've never told anyone before," the bigger man finally said something.

"So you're afraid no one will be able to accept you if they think you might be homosexual?" I asked.

"We've seen it happen. Some friends tried to be open and got beat up for their trouble," the smaller man said.

"I'll make you a promise. As long as we're here no one will do anything to make you afraid, or I'll deal with them personally. There is another condition though, I'll only help if you're being honest with yourselves and each other," I said.

"Can we share your table then?" the bigger man asked.

"As long as you don't mind us holding hands and kissing once in a while," Heather said.

"You two are together? I mean lovers," the smaller man asked.

"We're getting married tomorrow evening," I said.

"So how come your in a place like this?" the bigger man asked.

"What's wrong with this place?" I asked.

Both men looked at each other and back at Heather and I, but never answered my question.

Dan brought another drink over for both Heather and I and gave us a wink and said it seemed everyone wanted to know if it were true that I put Eddie in the hospital. He said he hoped I didn't mind him tell them what happened and that he never saw anyone move as fast as I had when I hit Eddie.

"Dan what do you think the people here would say about these two guys dancing together?" I asked.

"I think most of them would want to know why it took them so long to do it," Dan said.

"So you don't think anyone would try making fun of them?" I asked.

"The only people who might don't stay here long because they don't like the kind of customers we get in here. Most of the people here are pretty accepting, I guess Eddie was about the only one that came in here regularly that might have had a problem with them," Dan said.

"Let me buy a round for the house then. Anyone who is willing to accept them and make them feel welcome I'll buy drinks for the night," I said.

"That could add up to a lot of money," Dan said.

"I'm not worried about a little money, not if it means people don't have to feel afraid just because of who they are or who they love," I said.

I set ten one hundred dollar bills on the table and said if that wasn't enough to let me know and I'd get the difference by noon the next day.

Dan smiled and said he was sure if this didn't cover it there were more than enough others there that felt the same way to more than make up the difference.

A song I loved started and I grabbed Heather's hand dragging her out on the small dance floor wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her tight against me.

"I love this song," Heather said putting her arms around my neck.

Before long the two men who asked us to dance were out on the floor the bigger man holding the smaller man the same way I held Heather. Several other couples joined us on the dance floor with each couple holding and kissing each other.

The song came to an end and the jukebox didn't start another right away.

I climbed up on the bar and asked if I could get everyone's attention for a minute. It took a few minutes before everyone stopped what they were doing and turned to look at me.

"Thanks for giving me this moment of your time. I just wanted to tell you all how much I'm enjoying how well everyone is getting along, and for making this night so special for me. When I came in here I did so trying to find an escape from the last twenty years. And I was kind of hoping to get so drunk if it didn't kill me I would have been very surprised."

"I know most of you weren't here when my best friend got here looking for me because to her I guess I mean a lot more than I've meant to myself for a long time. I want you all to meet the most wonderful woman in the world my best friend and my fiancée, Heather Menes. We're supposed to be getting married tomorrow evening, but to me that's just a formality. Fifteen years ago tomorrow we were both in college studying law. We drafted our own marriage license and even had another friend who was also a law student we were both sure would one day be a judge preform the ceremony joining us in our hearts. That ceremony was never considered legal, but to me it was as real, if not more real, than the ceremony we're having tomorrow evening," I said.

I held out my hand for Heather to join me on the bar. When she didn't show signs of getting up to stand with me the bigger of the men sitting at our table stepped behind her and placed his hands on her waist lifting her onto the bar.

"Heather I love you more than I know how to say. You've been there for me so many times giving me hope when it seemed hope was no longer possible," I said hugging her and giving her a kiss.

When we broke the kiss and hug I started to get down and Heather grabbed my arm and said since I insisted on embarrassing her she wanted to return the favor.

"How about it folks can we let her get away with this?" Heather asked.

Everyone started laughing and cheering.

"She got to tell you all how she feels, but she doesn't seem to want to give me a chance to tell you how I feel and embarrass her a little."

"As she said it was fifteen years ago we were still in college when with the help of some friends we tied our heart together becoming one, though not in a way that was recognized by any state."

"The thing she didn't mention was what lead up to us making the commitment we did all those years ago. She didn't tell you that I was a couple years ahead of her in school, and when she first started she answered an ad for a roommate hoping for a place to stay while at school."

"She wasn't the only one to answer that add, but was the only one who couldn't really afford the full cost of sharing the expenses of the house we were renting. All our other roommates refused to even consider her until I said she could share my room at least until we had another room come available and she could afford an equal share of the expenses."

"I wasn't sure why I was willing to take that chance on her at the time, but I felt sure it was the right thing to do. I didn't need the money back then, my family had the means to pay for both of my brothers and my sister and I to attend any school we wanted. But not so for Alex."

"Alex was in school because it was what she wanted and was willing to work hard to make it happen. I had seen several others in school who were there on scholarships who couldn't have been there otherwise, but Alex wasn't one of them. The school we attended was a state school but still rated very high for its law program. Since Alex was a resident and had been since she was six she should have gotten a discounted rate like any state resident should, but again it didn't happen."

"Alex attended school full-time and held down a full-time job so she could afford to pay for school. None of the rest of us could ever figure out how she could manage because on top of working full-time and attending school full-time she insisted on learning martial arts. Any of you who know what it's like in college know it doesn't leave a lot of time for anything else, but somehow Alex managed."

"Two months after Alex moved in was the first time I ever saw her actually in bed trying to sleep. I say trying because she was obviously having some kind of nightmare, since she was shaking uncontrollably. Since I hadn't seen her even in bed let alone sleeping I laid on top of the covers and put my arm around her. She settled into a restful sleep almost instantly." I knew this woman was special beyond anyone I had ever met and knew if there was ever anything I could do for her all she would ever need to do is ask."

"I had been at school for three years when she showed up that day hoping to find a place to stay, and was still only a quarter of the way through. Over the next four years thanks in no small part to Alex I graduated top of my class. Everyone of my professors knew something had changed since before Alex got there I was one of the worst students they had."

"Fifteen years ago I was starting my final year of college and neither Alex nor I had ever regretted the day I agreed to have her share my room. All of our friends thought there was more to us than either of us would admit to and they are the ones who devised the plan for us to get married even though our marriage might never be recognized legally. They're the ones who drew up the marriage license we both signed, and they're the ones who insisted on giving us a wedding attended by what seemed half of the student body of the school."

"Since that day fifteen years ago tomorrow there has only ever been one person I've ever wanted to share my life with. The woman from fifteen years ago isn't the same, but neither am I. The one thing that is the same is our love for each other, the love for the law Alex helped me develop, the respect for the woman who even though the world did everything it could to destroy has stood strong and overcome so much. The woman who worked full-time so she could go to school and for the last six years hasn't needed to work because like me she graduated top of her class, but unlike me and the nine years it took me to graduate she did it in six years and then scored higher on the bar exam than anyone in the last hundred years, the woman that on the first day I met her seemed afraid of her own shadow, along with working full-time and attending school full-time somehow managed to take martial arts and not only do well, but achieved a greatness few through history can claim, and from what her old teacher has said took martial arts to a new level and is a grandmaster in not just one form but two."

"Alexandra Kate DeMay I loved you the day we shared those vows fifteen years ago, and I love you today. I can't imagine my love for you ever growing old or stale, because there are still so many things about you I want to learn, but also because I know you'll always hold to a standard few can in accepting others for who they are rather than who you wish they were," Heather said wrapping her arms around me kissing me every bit as deeply as I had kissed her.

I heard several people gasp when Heather said my name and before being able to look around and see who they were she had me in a hug. I heard what sounded like the world holding its breath and wondered if every time we kissed it would be like this. We broke our kiss and this time we tried to step off the bar together only to have so many people standing there we had no where to step down.

"It seems the world has made a full circle Alexandra DeMay. If I'm not mistaken the last time you were here in this town you were just a little girl going by the name of Karen. I want to welcome you back, and hope you won't stay away as long again," someone said.

I tried to put a name with the face and came up blank, but so much of the years living in this town were gone, or so buried, I didn't know if I would ever be able to access them again.

## Chapter 59

A couple of the bigger men reached up offering Heather and I a hand getting down off the bar, and gave us a hug as soon as our feet were again on the floor. The person who obviously knew me was standing next to the spot the man who helped me off the bar placed me and I looked them in the eye trying to remember, but never finding a name.

"I'm sorry, but I don't really remember much of when I lived here," I said.

"I didn't think you would. From what I've heard you've lived through a hell none of us here can begin to imagine, and I just wanted to let you know you do have a lot of family here willing to accept you even if your Aunt Geri won't," they said.

"Your related to me somehow then" I asked.

"This town was founded by your family over one hundred years ago, by I think your great grandfather. Your family has always been well loved here, and that does include your father," they said.

I felt tears filling my eyes ready to spill down my cheeks thinking of the love and family lost when dad moved us from this place. How many friends did I have when I lived here? Was I really accepted by all but Aunt Geri when I lived here so long ago?

"I would love to have anyone who wants, come to the wedding tomorrow. I know the venue is large enough to accommodate a lot more people than have actually received invitations," I said.

"I guess this is your way of saying everyone is invited who wants to come?" they asked.

"Yes it is. Also the ceremony is formal, but all I'm asking is anyone that comes wear the best they have. Heather's family and mine are the only ones who will be dressing in tuxes and evening gowns and most of them are involved in the wedding in some way," I said.

"So if what people are wearing here is the best they have?" the person asked.

"Then it's the best they have and they're welcome to attend," Heather said.

I smiled since she was able to say it before I could and knew it was the same answer I would have given.

Everyone in the bar insisted on wishing Heather and I the very best and telling us we were welcome any time we were in the area. When we were finally able to get out the door there was a taxi waiting and Dan gave us a nod and big smile.

"You know Eddie isn't going to like finding out it was a DeMay who laid him out. He seems to think his mother is the only DeMay worthy of anything," Dan said.

"Are you telling me his mother is Geraldine DeMay?" I asked.

"You didn't know that?" Dan asked.

"I haven't seen my aunt since I was six years old and didn't like her even then since she couldn't accept me," I said.

I let Heather slide in ahead of me and smiled once I was in the car with the door closed.

Heather had already told the driver where we were going and I smiled even bigger when he pulled in at the hotel.

"Thank you for not telling him my uncles. I don't think I could handle what might have happened if we had gone back there," I said.

"You look tired, and if your day was as rough as mine was, I doubted you would want anything more than just taking a shower and going to bed," Heather said.

We walking in the hotel and headed for the elevator. I wanted to forget everything about the day except the party we had just come from.

The elevator opened at the penthouse and we both stepped off and were met by Angela and Marie and on entering farther by Kathy and Jenny.

"You both look exhausted," Kathy said.

"Is everyone back here?" I asked.

"Lindsey and Andrea wanted to go to some party Alex knew about, Jesse ran off somewhere with Terry and Niki and Nancy are out partying with Judy and Jeremy. Uncle Pete got a call saying his son was in the hospital so he needed to leave for that, and Uncle Brian and Aunt Gwen said something about finally having the house to themselves if we left taking these two with us," Kathy said.

"So did you two have fun?" Jenny asked.

Heather and I both smiled without answering.

"We found out great grandpa founded this town," I said.

"Actually it was your great great grandfather, but we can go over the family history another time," Dad said coming in my room.

"Ok well at least we found out the DeMay family is bigger than I could have imagined and are all loved around here except Aunt Geri who most people avoid if at all possible," I said.

"I guess they don't know what I did if they despise Geri more than me," Dad mused.

"What you did was wrong dad, but the reason behind it wasn't to hurt anyone if it could be helped. Aunt Geri doesn't care how many people she hurts simply because she doesn't like something," I said.

"I heard you say Pete and Geri's son is in the hospital," Dad said looking at Kathy.

"From what I could gather he got in a bar fight and lost. From what Uncle Pete said whoever he got in a fight with almost killed him," Kathy said.

"The son-of-a-bitch had it coming trying to force me to dance with him in the mood I was in," I said.

"I don't think I understand Alex," Dad said.

"He came in the bar I went to when I left Uncle Brian's. All I wanted was to escape from all the pain of the last twenty years if I could. He came in and started playing some noise I've heard Lindsey and Andrea both call music and then asked me to dance. I tried to ignore him, but he reached for my arm to force me to dance with him. I warned him I have a couple black belts and he just laughed and grabbed my arm pulling me out of the chair I was in. I hit him three times and he dropped like a rock. I didn't mean to kill him, but I wasn't going to let anyone force me since at the moment all I wanted was to be left alone," I said.

"You almost killed him?" Dad asked.

"I didn't mean too. I hit him in the stomach and the chest when he didn't let go I hit him in the throat," I said.

"You collapsed his windpipe?" Kathy asked.

"I gave him a tracheotomy before the paramedics got there so he could breathe," I said.

They all just shook their heads and left not saying anything more. I didn't want to dance and he thought because of his size he could force me. I understood why David was the way he was, but as far as I knew Eddie didn't have that for an excuse. I hated the thought David might have been that way if it hadn't been for that religion since my memories before that religion said he was a great big brother.

The way dad and Kathy acted they both thought being related to me was a curse more than anything. The tears started and I knew this day was going to be one of my worst in a very long time. Nothing I ever did seemed to be right today, and I didn't understand why.

I fell in one of the chairs in the room and cried wishing I would have let David get that second shot off at me. Maybe then it would be me who was dead not David, and everyone would be happier. It was like they all forgot I wasn't the one who abused them. I wasn't the one who abused anyone, at least I didn't think I was.

I just wanted the hurt to stop and every time I turned around it was thrown in my face and I ended up the bad guy. All those years of trying to keep my sisters safe and now all they saw was me having too much power and control, neither of which I wanted. They didn't understand what it felt like to be totally powerless when they had the chance to at least grow up a little without someone using them to quench lusts so dark it destroyed people.

Had I actually survived intact from what destroyed so many others? Was I wrong to hide what those people did to me to protect my sisters? Would their knowing what I suffered help them to understand I didn't want control, or even feel like I had control of anything even my own life?

Heather came over behind me trying to rub my neck and offer whatever support she could and the thoughts just kept coming of the day David took that shoot at me and paid with his live. I shook trying to get Heather to stop wishing she would find someone else who wasn't so broken. She deserved the best and I was anything but. I was still broken and possibly broken beyond repair.

Those men succeeded in crushing my broken pieces into rubble and possibly even powder. The disgusted looks on Kathy and dads faces said as much since it seemed I had nearly killed my own cousin all because he wanted a dance I wasn't willing to give.

I don't know how long I sat in that chair, or how long Heather stood behind me rubbing my shoulders hoping to let me know someone cared. What I did know was Heather was now in bed and I was still in the chair. The kids were in bed with Heather curled up tight against her the same way they had curled up against me from time to time.

The kids needed the stability Heather could give them and I had already changed my will so everything would go to Heather and the kids if I died, so I knew Heather would be able to care for the kids even if she didn't go to work.

I walked in the bathroom and saw the razor sitting on the edge of the sink and tried looking away. This wasn't the time or place and I didn't want Heather or the kids to be the first to find my body, they all deserved much better from me. I found something different to wear and left the room after making sure I had at least the one star I used after leaving Uncle Brian's the night before, and headed for the elevator.

"I wish you wouldn't," Heather said just as the elevator doors opened.

"What am I supposed to do? Nothing I do is ever good enough for them," I said.

"What about the kids and I? Have we ever said anything other than we love you? Aren't we important enough to hold you here were we can love you?" Heather asked.

"I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want to not see the disappointment anymore. I don't want to have to be strong anymore," I said stepping in the elevator, but not pushing any of the buttons.

I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to live either. I hated feeling like everything I did was wrong because so many people got hurt.

I stood there in the elevator wanting Heather to stop me and not knowing if the conversation I just had with her was real or imagined.

I sat on the bench along the back wall of the elevator and felt the tears start building knowing I loved so many who seemed to be afraid of me. I had proven I could kill starting with my own brother. How many had I killed since then? Why didn't I feel anything for their deaths at my hand. Everyone of those people had a life and I snuffed it out because doing so was easier than trying to find another way that would have left them another chance.

The doors to the elevator closed, but the elevator didn't move. Shouldn't it be headed to the lobby? I looked at the pad showing the buttons for each floor and saw nothing as the thoughts of each of those I had killed played through my mind. The elevator started moving and seemed to move long enough to reach the lobby before stopping and the doors opened. I walked off the elevator and saw it wasn't the lobby so stepped back in wondering why it stopped on whatever floor it was on. The doors closed again and again it started moving without me pushing any of the buttons. Again it felt like it went down far enough to reach the lobby, but this time when it stopped the doors didn't open.

"I know there's nothing I can say or do to stop you if this is what you really want, but I still want you to know I love you and while I may be able to go on, it won't be the same as if you're here with me," Heather said.

"I love you so much, I love the kids so much, but I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to feel like everything I do is wrong anymore," I replied.

"I love you mom," Andrea said, echoed by Lindsey, Angela and Marie.

The tears ran down my cheeks knowing that the five people I had promised to care for would be the ones hurt most by what I was doing if I followed through. None of those five people had ever done anything to show they didn't trust or respect me just because I was. They had all told me several time they loved me unconditionally, they had more than told me, they had shown me.

Today should be one of the happiest days in my life and here I sat on this bench in this elevator struggling to keep it from being one of the worst for those I knew loved me. What difference did anyone else make over all? These five people loved me, and that should have been enough, but for some reason it wasn't. Again the elevator started moving this time going up.

It stopped and again the doors didn't open. I sat there looking at the pad for the different floors and the fact none of the buttons were lit. I looked at the lights above the door showing which floor the elevator was on and saw it said a floor that didn't exist, since it showed several floors above the penthouse and the penthouse was the top floor.

Was I caught in some weird dream that I couldn't escape? Did I have to resolve this issue of living for those who loved me or letting everyone else have the world they seemed to want without me in it? I wanted off this crazy ride I was locked in. I wanted to love and be loved. I wanted to have peace in my life where there had only ever been conflict. I wanted to know love, the kind I had always tried to show others. I didn't want to be judged by people who couldn't understand the horrors I had been forced to live through.

I opened my eyes and saw I was sitting in the chair in the penthouse Heather and the little girls in the bed curled up together sleeping soundly.

It had all been a dream. I breathed in as deeply as I could and let it out slowly. I sat there watching three of my favorite people sleeping and wondered if I had finally been able to work through the thoughts that brought me so close to death twice and haunted me almost constantly every day since the first attempt.

I saw that Heather had set out a nightie for me and changed out of the clothes I had been wearing and slid into bed gently moving Angela and Marie so I could snuggle close to Heather, and was asleep again almost before my head was on the pillow.

"Good morning beautiful," Heather said when I opened my eyes. "I hope whatever the problem was last night is worked out."

"I'm sorry, I didn't want last night to end the way it did," I said.

"And I didn't mean to leave you sitting in that chair like I did. I put Angela and Marie in their jammies and said they could sleep in our bed. The next thing I knew I felt you slide in bed," Heather said.

"I had a strange dream while sitting in the chair. I hope I was able to finally get things worked out. I think maybe I did since I do feel much better than I did last night," I said.

"I'm here if you want to talk about it," Heather said.

"I think I need to let everyone know the extent of what happened. Let them know what I went through so they can finally understand why I am the way I am," I said.

"Alex you are the way you are because of who you are. Those who matter can accept that, no one else matters," Heather said.

"That's easy for you to say, but it's some of the people who matter to me that I feel the need to tell everything. Last night Kathy acted like I had done something wrong because of what happened at the bar just before you got there. Her and dad both acted like I was someone who couldn't be trusted, because of what I did to Eddie. They weren't willing to listen to anything other than I almost killed him, and all because I didn't want to dance," I said.

"Is that what you think? Alex I don't think either of them think that way. I do think both of them are afraid for you, but I doubt either of them are afraid of you," Heather said.

"You may be right. I know there was a time dad was afraid of me though," I said.

"And he had reason to be afraid of you. He knew what he had done was wrong, and he knew you had every right to seek revenge. But I also think that changed when rather than seeking revenge you offered him what little help you could. You gave him a chance to do what he knew was right without demanding such a high price he could never pay it," Heather said.

"I've never sought revenge from anyone. I don't think I meant to kill David that day, but I still hurt so much and he was a lot of the reason I hurt so much, then he took that shot at me and I just reacted," I said.

"And that was why everyone there saw it as self defense. Most of those people were law enforcement and knew in that kind of situation the only thing going through a persons mind is stop the danger at any cost," Heather said.

"What I did to William?" I asked.

"I do have to admit that did scare me a little, but you had set rules, he knew those rules, and violated those rules. Alex for all I know he was reaching to attack you, and you had every right to defend yourself. As far as I know you never did anything to lead him on, and looking through everything I could find, he was stalking you. He was the one who checked you into the hospital after you were stabbed, and against everyones objection he did so using his name and saying you were his wife," Heather said.

"I found that out once I was well enough to talk to Bill and Phil. That was when I set the rules he wasn't allowed to visit me in the hospital, and I didn't want him on my property until I got an apology from him. Since I wasn't accepting calls from him, that meant until I was ready, which wasn't going to be any time soon if ever. For him to do what he did was too much like what those people did to me, and I wasn't going to let that happen again," I said.

Heather started to say something, and we heard the kids so she stopped before getting it out. We got the kids dressed as well as getting ourselves dressed and went down to see if Lindsey and Andrea were up and ready to get some breakfast.

"You look like you spent most of the night crying mom," Andrea said when she answered the door.

"Do I really look that bad?" I asked.

"No, I guess not. We heard about what happened last night. Mom I know you wouldn't have done something like that without a good reason, and I know unless you think we need to know you won't tell us," Andrea said.

## Chapter 60

At noon Heather and I went to pick up our dresses and were told they had already been picked up by Kathy and Jennifer. The more I thought about this wedding the more I wanted to take Heather and the kids and just run away and get married without all the glitz and glamor. I just wanted my little family to be together and didn't even care if there was a wedding.

"We could always take off and try again when it's legal at home," Heather said.

"And when will that be? Heather as far as I care we are married, and have been for fifteen years," I said.

Heather smiled bigger than I had seen her smile since the day I gave her the ring she now wore. I knew that ring was special when I saw it, and felt confused when I had given Tiffany a ring and it wasn't that one, I had even given Michelle a ring and again it wasn't this ring. I knew the woman I would finally marry would be the one I gave this ring, but for some reason hadn't remembered I was already married and until I was again with the woman I was married to would never be happy.

Even the kids seemed to know Heather was my other half since they hadn't called Michelle or Tiffany mom, but they started calling Heather mom almost from the time they met her.

We both knew this was more about everyone else than it was us. We didn't need this to show our love that was visible to anyone who cared to look.

The older girls wanted to spend the day with Alexander and his friends and weren't very happy when we said we wanted them to spend the day with us. Both of them started to complain, but when they did Heather and I just looked at them like we couldn't understand, hoping they were listening to their own arguments.

We smiled when Andrea and Lindsey relented after thinking about what they said. Even to them their argument sounded weak.

I wanted to go horse back riding and had seen several stables listed in the phone book and started calling them to find out what they had and if we would be limited to trails and have to take a guide to insure the horses where kept on the trails and not left to wonder around and possibly get hurt.

There was one that said they rented horses by the hour and as long as we knew how to ride they didn't care as long as the horses weren't abused. I got directions and stopped at Uncle Brian's on the way to see if Alexander wanted to go with so Andrea and Lindsey wouldn't feel we were making them come with to baby sit their little sisters.

"Hello Aunt Gwen, is Alex home?" I asked.

"I think he's out back doing his workout," Aunt Gwen said.

I walked out back and Alex was just finishing his workout.

"You left a bunch of your stars here," Alexander said on seeing me.

"I hope no one tried pulling them out of the target," I said.

"I was going to, but Andrea and Lindsey both said it wasn't a good idea because of how sharp they are," Alexander said.

I walked over to the target and pulled my stars out while asking Alexander if he ever did any horse back riding.

"I don't get much time to ride horses, but I did love it the few times I've been able," Alexander said.

"Your welcome to join us if you want, I know the girls would love having you along. Alex you do realize my girls can never be more than friends don't you?" I asked.

"I've never tried to be more than just a friend, and I don't think any of my friends have either. I know my friends are all different because of you and your daughters. It's kind of like their ideas of fun things to do are really fun and always help people rather than making people feel less," Alexander said.

"I'm glad to hear that, I know most of those you were with the day we met weren't really bad kids, but it wouldn't have taken much to make them bad. If my girls have been able to help them be good, I'm glad I've let them hang out with you and your friends," I said.

It didn't take Alex long to let his mother know he was going horseback riding with me and get ready. We were in the car and on our way ten minutes after stopping to see if he wanted to go.

"Can I help you folks?" the man at the ranch said when we all piled out of the car.

"We're hoping to rent a few horses for a couple hours," Heather said while I helped Marie out of her seat.

You say a few, I'm guessing the two little ones will be riding with someone?" the man asked.

"They'll probably be riding with Alexandra and I, I'm sure the other three kids would rather not be bothered with having to keep track of them and no doubt will want to let the horses run a little since it seems that's how they are at home," Heather said.

"So you all have horses?" the man asked.

"I've had my own horse since I was five," Lindsey said.

"I guess you'll want to pick out the horses you ride then?" the man asked.

"The only one of us who could probably do that would be Lindsey since none of the rest of us have been around horse very much," I said.

The man chuckled and said he'd have enough horses ready by the time the rental contract was signed. He started going over the contract and Heather started laughing causing him to stop and ask what was so funny.

"I guess it's that I was a contract lawyer for five year after I got out of school and she thinks I was the best there is. I did notice a small problem here, but I doubt most anyone else would, and it really is just a matter of interpretation more than anything else," I said.

"Can I ask what that might be," the man asked.

I pointed out the problem and explained how wording it a little different would remove the problem, and got a look of thanks.

"I did have someone else bring that up, but they couldn't explain it or suggest how to fix it," the man said.

Where the problem existed we scratched out the problem and wrote in what the fix I suggested was and signed the contract with him initialing it at the change.

As he promised there were enough horses for all of us and Lindsey was telling everyone which horse was better suited to them. I started laughing when one of the horses walked up to me nudging my shoulder as if to say she wasn't going to let anyone but me ride her.

"I guess that's your horse mom, she seems a lot like Rose and I just can't see Rose ever letting anyone but you ride her," Lindsey said.

"I'm going to guess her name is Butterfly since she seems to have a butterfly on her forehead," I said.

"That is her name and I'm really surprised to see her since she's one we normally don't rent cause she doesn't like strange people riding her," the man said.

"People don't get any stranger than me," I said smiling at the joke about myself.

The man gave me a strange look and I just smiled.

"You'll have to forgive her she has been through a hell most people can't begin to imagine and it's her way of coping," Heather said.

"I hope you'll be back in a couple hours since we are planning on closing then since we've all been invited to a wedding in town and we'd really hate to miss it," the man said.

"If we aren't back in a couple hours chances are the wedding won't start on time anyway so you'll still have time to get ready," I said.

The man looked at me closer.

"Your a DeMay aren't you?" he asked.

"I'm Alexandra DeMay, so I guess I am. This young man is my cousin Alexander DeMay. I adopted all the girls and that was complete about three months ago, so the only one of us here that isn't a DeMay yet is my fiancée Heather Menes, and that is supposed to be remedied this evening in I'm guessing the biggest wedding in this town in generations. My twin sister and her wife seem to think since we were born here the whole town should be at the wedding," I said.

I set my phone to let me know when we had been gone for an hour and a half so we could make sure to be back on time, and saw Heather and the older kids all do the same.

"I'm guessing you set yours for an hour?" Heather asked.

"Actually an hour and a half, and I thought of setting it for longer but decided that wouldn't be very nice to all the guests," I said.

"It would be funny though," Heather said.

Andrea, Lindsey and Alexander were all on the horses they were riding and gone before Heather and I were even close to getting on our horses.

I let Heather get on first and handed Marie up to her and helped get her settled before getting on my horse and offering Angela a hand getting on in front of me.

We walked our horses in the same direction the older kids had gone and once in side the trees I saw where several trails split off from the trail we had taken from where we mounted. I saw Heather looking at each of the trails trying to determine which way the kids had gone and ignored the well traveled paths and started off in a direction all my own.

"You never follow the easy path do you?" Heather asked when she caught up to me.

"Is there a reason I should?" I asked.

She smiled at me and saw the kids not far in the distance.

"You knew which way they went?" she asked.

"I had no more of a clue than you did," I said.

Heather gave me a look that said she knew I knew something she didn't and didn't understand how. I smiled at her and she smiled back letting me know all was forgiven.

We caught up with the older kids and enjoyed a leisure ride through the countryside, killing time before we needed to be back to get ready for the wedding.

"Mom, Aunt Kathy isn't going to be happy you disappeared today especially after last night," Andrea said, after we had been riding for about an hour.

"Are you complaining Andrea?" I asked giving her a smile to let her know Kathy could get however angry she wanted, it wouldn't change anything since I'd still do things however I wanted to do them.

"It's just she seems to get mad at you a lot lately," Andrea said.

"That's because she makes plans for me she doesn't share with me and when they fall through it must be my fault. Andrea if she doesn't tell me what she has planned I won't change my plans. What Aunt Kathy and Aunt Jenny had planned for last night was something they should have both known I would never have gone along with. If they had plans for today that included me and Heather they never told us about them so we are doing what we want, and any plans they had don't matter because we knew nothing about them," I said.

"I guess they expected Lindsey and I to tell you, but I think we both like this better," Andrea said.

"You and Lindsey? So there were plans that were made and not shared?" I asked.

"It was a family brunch. I don't know much about what it was for sure but Lindsey might since Kathy actually told Lindsey not me," Andrea said.

Heather came up and smiled at me.

"It seems we screwed up Kathy and Jennifer's plans again," Heather said.

"I just found out. Maybe if they expect us to cooperate with their plans they should try telling us their plans ahead of time rather than relying on the kids to tell us," I said.

We started back toward where we had rented the horses and came across a stream that looked like a good place to stop for a little while. I slid off Butterfly and dropped her reins indicating I wanted to spend some time. Lindsey came up and got off the horse she was riding but held onto the reigns.

"Mom I'm sorry I didn't tell you about what Aunt Kathy wanted earlier. I didn't know she didn't tell you last night when she went up to talk to you," Lindsey said.

"You have nothing to apologized for Lindsey. Kathy may have meant to tell me last night, but she didn't and she probably could have told me days ago about what she was planning, but she didn't. If her plans aren't working out it isn't your fault any more than it is mine. Since she couldn't be bothered to tell us her plans it isn't anyones fault but her own," I said.

"But if we hurry we shouldn't be to late for her family gathering," Lindsey said.

"Lindsey the family will be at the wedding and the reception afterward. Right now is time for our family and the rest of the extended family can wait until later this evening and tonight to have their time with us," I said.

"This is another of those things you wouldn't have agreed to, isn't it?" Lindsey asked.

"I don't know if I would have or not since I wasn't involved in or informed of its planning. Lindsey, Heather and I let Kathy and Jenny be in charge of planning everything because they said they wanted to be in charge of it. They've done things without letting either of us know and then felt betrayed because we didn't go along, even though they should have known what they planned was something we never would have gone along with," I said.

Heather came over holding the reins for both the horse she was riding and Butterfly.

"It might not be a bad idea for us to get back since we will be pushed for time getting dressed if we don't," Heather said.

"We could always run away and get married without all the hoopla," I said.

"We agreed to let them do this Alex," Heather said.

"I know. I'm just tired of Kathy being mad about how I do things when she knows a little of what I've been through. I thought she knew my aversion to shopping wasn't so much the shopping as it is the crowds. I guess my silly mistake of going to the mall last time said different, but I thought it might reinforce the reason since I almost died because of it," I said.

"Maybe what you asked me this morning about writing down what you've been through would help. Alex I know what you said on that witness stand was only a small part of what you've been through, and I still have trouble believing anyone could have survived even that much. You have a strength no one can begin to understand, you have to have, to have gone through something like that, but you don't have to be strong alone any longer. If nothing else I'm here now and I have no intention of going anywhere. I know we'll have problems, but I know there aren't any problems we can't work out together," Heather said.

I took Butterflies reins and mounted waiting for Lindsey and Heather before turning back to the ranch we rented the horses from.

I didn't have to be strong alone kept playing through my mind. Each of my sisters had said those same words, maybe not in that way, but the words were the same. I had my four girls that needed me to be strong and so far I had failed to see the kind of damage that could be done if I wouldn't have been strong enough alone, but was I alone? Heather had been watching out for me without trying to force me into remembering something I wasn't ready to remember. She knew I loved her and she never abandoned me though it did seem she had. I didn't need to be strong alone.

"Heather when you heard about what happened, about me going to jail what did you do?" I asked.

"I cried first, I cried for days not understanding how something like that could have happened. When I heard the Justice Department left you there even knowing the charges were a lie in hopes of getting more information, and refused to let you know any and all changes against you had been dropped and you were being used to get information, I went ballistic demanding they at least give you the option of helping them. When I heard about the attempted suicide it almost killed me," Heather said.

"What about the second attempt?" I asked.

"That I never did understand. I wanted to hate you for it, but couldn't because there was so much I didn't know or understand. When you were on the witness stand telling what you went through I understood better why you made that attempt and it took everything I could do not to let the tears show as I cried inside for all the hurt you've been through, and wondered how much of that hurt was my fault," Heather said.

"None of the hurt was your fault. You've never done anything to hurt me, and everything you could to keep me from being hurt. You made it possible for me to find enough balance to get through school and survive what happened after school. You loved me even when I didn't know anyone did, even when I didn't love myself," I said.

"You've thought about attempting since the last time haven't you?" Heather asked.

"Several times. When I got home from finding out Kathy had let David abuse her, Lindsey met me at the corral and started talking to me like she understood what I felt. She knew I couldn't be alone and stayed with me when all I wanted was to get on Rose and ride out so by the time anyone found me it would be too late. There have been several times since I've felt the world would be a better place without me. The last time was last night. When Kathy got mad at me for having almost killed Eddie. If I could have turned back time so David were still alive I would have. I would have let him get that second shot off so maybe they couldn't have brought me back. I knew it would have hurt you, but at the moment the hurt I was fighting through was more than I could bare, and maybe if I wouldn't have been so strong things would have been different for my sisters, maybe they wouldn't have suffered so much," I said.

"You don't really believe that?" Heather asked.

"I don't know. Heather I only know I can't go through anything like that again and it seems things like that are what everyone expects me to go through time, after time, after time," I said.

"So death would be a welcome relief since the things of this world couldn't hurt you any longer," Heather muttered just loud enough I could hear.

We arrived back at the corral where we rented the horses and paid for the rental taking the older girls and Alex to the hotel were they could get the rental car they were using telling them to enjoy themselves and to not be late for the wedding.

Heather and I still had the little girls and still just wanted some time for ourselves before we had to preform for the masses.

"So what now? If we're lucky we can avoid everything for another hour," Heather said.

"Why don't we see if my Aunt will watch the girls and go get drunk?" I asked.

"That sounds like a good idea. Maybe if we get drunk enough we'll be able to do a better job preforming our part in what's yet to come," Heather said.

"I don't remember getting drunk the last time we did this, but as I recall I wasn't old enough to drink the last time we did this," I said.

"Neither of us were old enough, though I do believe we both got drunk after the ceremony," Heather said.

"We both got drunk a lot easier back then," I said.

Since Alexander took longer getting out of the car than the girls he heard part of what we were saying and as Heather was about to put the car in reverse to back out he tapped on the window with both of the older girls standing with him.

"Did you forget something," I asked when I got my window rolled down.

"Yes," said Alexander.

"Well hurry up so we can get out of here before anyone notices we're back," I said hitting the locks for the doors so they could get in.

"Mom we want to trade you cars," Andrea said.

"And what about your little sisters?" Heather asked.

"We'll take care of them," Lindsey said.

Heather gave me a look wanting me to make the decision.

I opened the door and slid out of the car reminding them the only one to drive was Andrea since she was the only other person listed on the rental agreement. Lindsey hopped in the back with Andrea getting in the driver seat and Alexander getting in the passenger seat.

Heather and I stepped back from the car and Andrea started backing out. I gave Andrea a stern look and she hit the brakes and waited until Heather and I were well out of the way before she backed out any farther.

"I think they want to give us some alone time," Heather said.

"Alex heard what we said about asking his parents if they would watch Angela and Marie so we could have some alone time. If we're going to get that alone time though we're going to need to hurry or someone will notice us and try cornering us into something," I said.

Heather didn't like driving the smaller car and neither did I. I noticed a cab sitting out on the curb and made a beeline for it with Heather right on my heels.

"Where to ladies?" the driver asked when we both slid in the back seat.

"How about a nice little bar, or club," I said.

"Clubs around here require membership, but can serve pretty much whatever you want to drink, bars can only serve beer," the driver said.

"What does it take to get a membership?" I asked.

"Are you staying at the hotel?" the driver asked.

"I hope so but knowing my sister and how mad she's likely to be at me she may have checked me out," I said.

"She could do that?" the driver asked.

"No, but I have no doubt she would if she could. I kind of screwed up her plans last night and since she left it to my kids to tell me about her plans today they kind of got screwed up as well," I said.

"I'm sure you had a good reason, anyway if you show them your room key for the hotel they'll likely be willing to let you buy a membership for a few nights. The club I'd suggest isn't far from here and they play mostly older music. If your looking to dance there's usually a few people willing," the driver said.

Heather and I both nodded it would be fine.

"I take it you aren't from around here?" the driver asked.

"I was born here but my folks moved when I was six. This is the first time I've been back since," I said.

"So are you here for the big wedding tonight?" the driver asked.

"If we don't screw that up too," Heather said.

"I don't get it how could you screw up the big wedding tonight. From what I understand all the DeMay's are supposed to be there and if it's like everything else in this town where the DeMay's are concerned it ain't possible for anyone to screw it up," the driver said.

"I take it the DeMay's hold a lot of power in this town?" I asked.

"You could say that. I think the DeMay's own just about everything around here, and the club I'm suggesting is one of the things owned by the DeMay's," the driver said.

"Is there a club around here not owned by the DeMay's?" I asked.

"One but it isn't as nice, it's more a biker bar type club," the driver said.

"Sounds perfect," I said.

"I take it you don't much care for the DeMay's?" the driver asked.

"I'd love to forget about the DeMay's tonight, but I doubt that's likely to happen," I said.

The driver looked over the seat not understanding.

"Hun her last name is DeMay," Heather said.

"Thanks babe I really appreciate you sharing that," I told Heather.

"I'm sorry Alex but he would have found out sooner or later," Heather said.

"Maybe, but it doesn't matter, can you take us to the one that isn't owned by someone in my family please?" I asked the driver.

"I don't get it if your a DeMay why wouldn't you want to go to the one owned by your family?" the driver asked.

"Because not everyone in my family is very nice and I don't need to deal with people thinking I'm better than they are just because I happen to be a DeMay," I said.

"Most of the DeMay's are ok people," the driver said.

"But not all of them and my Aunt Geri is one of them who seems to think she owns this town and no one is quite good enough. If we go to the club owned by my family there's a chance of her being there and since her husband and daughter are invited to my wedding tonight and her and her son aren't I don't need the problems running into her could cause," I said.

"Your the DeMay getting married tonight?" the driver asked.

"I don't know if there's another DeMay getting married or not. I don't know most of my family that lives here and I'm not sure I want to either. Back home I'm the only DeMay with any money and I didn't get any of it from any of the DeMay's from here. If the DeMay's here are so rich and powerful why weren't they any of them willing to help my family when we needed help? Where were they to help me be able to go to college so I didn't have to work a full-time job while going to school full-time? I'm sorry if I sound a little bitter, but I don't know the DeMay's from around here and I'm not sure I ever want to," I said.

The driver pulled up in front of the little club we were at the night before, so I handed him a one hundred dollar bill and got out.

"She isn't going to ask for change but I am going to ask you not tell anyone you met her until tomorrow at the earliest," Heather said.

"I won't say a word, but all of her family I know would have done most anything to have helped if they knew," the driver said.

"Believe me there isn't much Alex wouldn't do for others, but for now she needs time for Alex and her sister and sister-in-law are doing their best to insure she doesn't get it. If you can be back here about six we should be ready to do the only thing Alex and I have planned about this wedding," Heather said.

"I'll make sure there's a cab here waiting at six," the driver said.

I walked in the bar and Dan spotted me and asked if I wanted the same table I'd had the night before.

"Whatever is available will be fine Dan," I said.

Everyone at the bar seemed happy to see Heather and I and insisted on saying hi and asking about what time the wedding was supposed to be. I ordered a drink and was told mine and Heather's drinks were paid for, for however long we wanted to stay.

Several of the men asked Heather and I for a dance as did several of the woman. Always making sure if we said no they thanked us and said maybe another time. The guys that asked to sit with us the night before came in about an hour before we needed to leave and were greeted friendly and accepted as family. Everyone kidded each other and in general had a great time just hanging out.

When Heather and I needed to leave if we hoped to be on time to our own wedding everyone wanted a hug before they would let us leave.

"Dan I've really enjoyed this little bar. Could you tell me who owns it?" I asked.

"I think it belongs to a DeMay, but I have no idea which one other than they don't like Eddie coming here and were glad you put him in his place last night," Dan said.

"Thank you Dan I think they might be a member of my family I would love to meet," I said.

"He'll probably be at your wedding tonight, if I see him and can find you I'll introduce him to you," Dan said.

I smiled and gave Dan a hug telling him I expected to see everyone in a couple hours and would do my best to give them all another hug.

We arrived at the venue for the wedding and were met by Kathy and Jenny giving us very upset looks.

"Where have you two been all day?" Kathy asked.

"Why was there something planned?" I asked.

"Lindsey already told me she told you about it," Kathy said still sounding very upset.

"Did she tell you she told us when we would have already been late? If it was so important why didn't either you or Jenny tell us?" I asked.

## Chapter 61

Kathy took me into a room and told me someone would be in to help with my makeup in a few minutes and if I ran off she was calling the whole thing off.

I sat down and started looking through a magazine that was sitting there. As I flipped through the pages I noticed a theme that bothered me, so started looking a little closer and set the magazine down, then picking it up again and threw it across the room just as the door opened.

"I take it you don't like that kind of magazine," the person opening the door said as they stepped in.

"I want nothing to do with that kind of trash," I hissed.

"I didn't mean to offend you and thought it might ease tension, not create it," they said.

"I don't believe in religion and it isn't just one or two I hate, it's all religion," I said anger still heavy in my voice.

"Kathy and Jenny didn't tell me, or I never would have brought them," they said.

"It seems they aren't telling anyone anything lately. I was abused very badly by religion and once I was able to defend myself I studied several religions and found they all claim to teach love, but practice hate. Love never tears down and hate never builds up," I said.

"I don't think I understand. The religion I grew up in teaches love," they said.

"Let me ask you something then. If your religion teaches love how do you feel about this wedding?" I asked.

"I'm not sure. From everyone I've talked to since I got here it seems you and my sister do love each other, but according to everything I've been taught it's wrong for two people of the same sex to get married," they said.

"Your sister? Heather is your sister? I need to ask one more question then, are you here because you want to be here, or are you here because you didn't feel you had a choice?" I asked.

"I love Heather, but it was our understanding she was already married to someone named Alexandra. I know dad said she wasn't part of the family any longer when she told us that fifteen years ago. I never said she wasn't my sister, but everything about her marrying another woman goes against what we were taught," Erin said.

"That didn't answer my question," I said.

"Mom and I are here because Heather is still our family and we do love her, but I still think her being married to another woman is wrong," Erin said.

"Thank you for being honest, I'll wait for my baby sister to come do my makeup, or I'll do it myself then," I said.

"You don't think I would do a good job?" Erin asked.

"I don't think you'd do your best. If you can't support Heather and I getting married because of your religious beliefs I can't see you being able to set those religious beliefs aside when your doing your job and I'm not willing to take a chance of looking anything but my best for the woman I love with everything in me," I said.

"But you don't understand, I love Heather and would never do anything to hurt her," Erin said.

"Except tell her you don't approve of me as her life partner because I happen to be a woman," I said.

"I didn't say that," Erin said.

"Didn't you? I do believe you said you think our marriage is wrong because of your religion. You implied that our marriage is worthless because your religion teaches conditional love which isn't love. Love holds no conditions for another. It is giving fully of yourself because it is the right thing to do, even if the person you love doesn't agree with your beliefs. Your love for Heather is conditional or you wouldn't have put those magazines in here to start with since those magazines talk about mine and Heather's marriage as an abomination, and say it's wrong because it goes against the teachings of a book no one really knows how old, and goes against what science has proven to be true time and time again," I said.

"I didn't think about any of that when I placed those magazines in here, they're the same magazines we have in the shop I work in back home. And I do love Heather," Erin cried.

"Erin I'm not calling you a liar about loving Heather, or at least believing you love her. I'm hoping you'll think about what I've said about what those magazines say and teach. I'm hoping you'll give some thought to what your religion teaches and learn to ask questions that will make the leaders of your religion either show the hate they preach as hate or explain why they claim to love conditionally when real love doesn't have conditions, I said.

"But you still don't want me to do your makeup?" Erin asked.

"I know my sister will do her best, I wish I could say I know you would do your best, but I don't think you will. Our little conversation here told me I can't trust you to leave your religion out and accept Heather unconditionally simply because she is," I said.

"And you think your sisters accept you unconditionally? I know Kathy was very mad at you earlier, and from what I heard the others saying they weren't any happier with you," Erin said.

"Kathy is mad at me because the last couple days I've ruined her plans and my other sisters knew about her plans and were in favor of those plans. I wasn't aware of the plans and when I found out about them couldn't go along for reason my sisters don't know or understand. Their being mad at me doesn't mean they don't love me without condition it simply means they get tired of me forcing changes they didn't prepare for, for reasons they don't understand," I said.

"Why don't they understand?" Erin asked.

"Because they don't know what I went through for ten years to protect them. Heather didn't know either and still doesn't know most of it, but my sisters and Heather do know I suffered more than they can understand yet still am willing to do anything to insure they are safe and loved," I said.

"I don't think I understand," Erin said.

"I find blind faith in something, in anything, to be the product of someone unable to think for themselves. I don't have time or patience for blind faith in anything because blind faith hurts people who deserve love. Blind faith is what religion teaches along with hate because to believe that certain people are less than is wrong in every circumstance. Religion teaches love of things rather than love of people. If you love people you learn to accept their differences and know those differences don't make them any less," I said.

"Your saying love is a choice. That I can either love my sister and accept her choices, or I don't really love her?" Erin asked.

"If Heather's choices hurt someone then you shouldn't accept her choices, but you should still love her. Love protects it doesn't destroy. If Heather's choices aren't hurting you or anyone else what difference do her choices make to anyone but her? Is Heather and I getting married going to change who we are as people? More than likely it will, but will it make us any less people? Will it make it so you can't love someone because you are attracted to someone of the opposite sex? How will our marriage affect you personally? If it makes you uncomfortable why? As far as I know the only people who can't accept our marriage, can't because they don't know what love is. They can't accept anything that is different from what they choose to believe," I said.

Nancy walked in the room to see if my makeup was done and seeing Erin standing there almost afraid to get close to me came over and started my makeup.

"Alex I can't believe you wouldn't let Erin help with your makeup, she's every bit as good as I am, maybe even better," Nancy said.

"I didn't let her help because she can't get past her religion and I didn't think she would do her best because of her religion," I said.

Nancy looked over at Erin and smiled.

"She was that way in school too, but still always did her best which was almost always better than everyone else," Nancy said.

"You went to school with me?" Erin asked.

"I was a year ahead of you," Nancy said.

"And your name is DeMay?" Erin asked.

"You would have known me as Neal DeMay," Nancy said.

Erin gasped and headed for the door.

"And this Erin is why I didn't want you doing my makeup. Nancy has always been my sister, but because of religion she was forced to present herself as my brother. She isn't any less human, but because of your religious beliefs you can't accept her as being human, because you can't accept she knows who she is better than some bible thumper who doesn't even know her," I said.

"You don't understand. Transvestites are nothing but perverts and rapists," Erin said.

I started laughing at the look on Nancy's face and heard Heather start laughing and wondered if she heard what her sister had said.

"Erin you better be careful about who you say doesn't understand something," I heard Heather say from whatever room she was in.

"But you don't understand Heather..." Erin started.

"And you'd be wrong. Alex and I both understand better than you might imagine. Alex was born intersex, or hermaphrodite. I doubt there are many people who can understand better than she can what Nancy went through since she went through it first. I understand because Alex was willing to talk to me about it in ways that made understanding easy, but does require not making preconceived judgments about someone simply because they aren't who you think they should be. Nancy is a beautiful person and I have no doubt is happier now than when she had to pretend to be who others thought she should be," Heather said.

"I'm never going to understand you Heather. Maybe dad is right and you aren't family," Erin said.

"If that's true Erin, why are you here? Why did you offer to help if you can't accept my choices of who I love? Why are you here if all you can do is spout the same religious bullshit we've heard our whole lives, and can't accept someone as a person because they aren't the kind of person you think they should be?" Heather asked.

"I thought I could help, but all any of you do is make fun of me because of what I believe," Erin said.

"I doubt anyone has made fun of you, and I know Alex would never make fun of you though I did know if you tried talking religion with her what would happen. Alex hates religion, but she doesn't hate people, and as long as someone doesn't throw religion in her face doesn't care what they believe. I'm guessing you spread your religious magazines in that room, or Alex would have never known or cared about your religious views and called your abilities of doing your best into question because of your religious views," Heather said.

"Nobody back home cares if I have those magazines lying around," Erin said.

"Everyone back home that you deal with, believes the same thing you do. Why would they care?" Heather asked.

Erin ran out of the area and sounded like she was crying.

"Great Alex, are you going to run everyone off and make them cry?' Kathy said coming in the room and closing the door.

"I don't need your shit Kathy. You should have told her the magazines she brought in here were a good way of getting me angry, but then again why would you since it seems we're all supposed to be able to read your mind about what exactly to expect. If you want to start accusing me of something maybe you shouldn't leave me alone with anyone I don't know, but maybe you could talk to me to let me know what the hell is going on so I can let you know yes or no so you don't get mad when something doesn't go the way you want because you didn't say anything," I said.

"Last night was supposed to be a surprise, that's why we didn't say anything until yesterday. I told Lindsey about today and she said she would talk to you about it. I meant to tell you last night when I came to your room, but when I found out your the one who sent Eddie to the hospital I forgot all about it. Alex all I could think of was when I heard about David and that you tried to kill yourself after stopping him," Kathy said.

"I didn't do anything wrong and what you planned for last night you should have known I'd never go along with," I said.

"Aunt Gwen said it probably was because of what those people did to you, you wanted no part of what we planned last night. I didn't think about it because Jenny and I did the same thing the night before we got married and had a blast," Kathy said.

"I don't find exploiting someone fun, but Aunt Gwen was right it was because of what those people put me through I didn't want any part of it. I know I've refused to tell you about what I went through and I know maybe if I had it would have made this whole thing easier for you, but it's hard for me to talk about what happened because whenever I do I feel like I'm reliving it and I never want to feel like that again. I have a folder sitting on that table for you to read and share with Niki and Nancy after you do. It contains what I said in court when I was called to the stand to testify, and it is the complete transcript from the court including the questions I was asked," I said.

"Alex I don't think I can. I don't think I want to know any longer," Kathy said.

"It doesn't tell everything, in fact it only scratches the surface of what happened, I doubt I could ever tell anyone everything," I said.

Nancy was done with my makeup and wanted me in my dress before starting on my hair.

"Nancy can you see if you can find Erin and ask if she'll come do my hair," I said.

"I don't think the chances of her coming back in here are very good, but I'll see if I can find her," Nancy said walking out the door to try finding Erin.

"Are you going to help me with my dress or is Jenny coming in to help since she's the one who knows my dress the best?" I asked Kathy.

I sat there waiting to see if she heard me before saying anything again. She stood there looking at the notebook as though terrified of what it contained. She knew a little but what she knew wasn't what was in the notebook and if what she feared was in the notebook was as she feared the betrayal of not telling me what David did while I was away at school was worse than she could imagine.

"Alex please I can't read that, it terrifies me," Kathy said.

"Are you going to help with my dress or am I supposed to do it alone?" I asked.

She finally looked over at me and jumped as though I'd taken a swing at her.

"I'm sorry I just... we need to get you in your dress or you'll be late for your wedding," Kathy said.

We were just finishing with the dress when Erin stepped in the door.

"Erin do you think you can manage fixing my hair and veil without a lecture on religion?" I asked.

"I never meant for any of what happened earlier," Erin said.

"That's in the past and I'd like to keep it there," I said.

She came over and started looking at my hair and what it would take to make it look its best. She picked up a comb and started running it through my hair trying different things before settling on what she was sure would be best.

It took Erin about twenty minutes to have my hair done in what she was sure would add to the look the dress gave and make pinning the veil in place the easiest. She had the veil ready all but having it covering my face when the music started to let everyone know the wedding was about to start. She pulled the veil over my face letting it drop softly and opened the door to show dad standing there in a tux looking ready to cry.

"Come on in dad," I said.

"I... I don't feel worthy of this honor," Dad said.

"Maybe because you aren't, but you are my father, and I am your daughter," I said.

I stepped over to the door since Erin was finished and the music changed.

"Are you ready Alex?" Kathy asked.

"Tell me something first," I said.

"What now?" Kathy asked.

"Is Heather's father here?" I asked.

"He is and Jenny's brother told him he would either walk his daughter down the aisle or he might as well consider himself the one no longer a member of the family," Kathy said.

"Thank you. I'm ready whenever everyone else is," I said.

The bridal march started within moments of me telling Kathy I was ready.

I stepped out of the room and saw Heather step out with her father by her side. I smiled and saw her father was just as ridged as mine and almost started laughing.

"Dad relax, anyone would think your the one getting married not me," I said.

"Alex you are the last person I thought would ever ask me for something like this," Dad said.

"I guess I understand why you did, what you did, better than you might think. Those people can't hurt any of us any longer," I said.

"I wish I could have been as strong as you," Dad said.

"You did what you thought was right given the choices you had. I did the same thing. I did what I had to, given the choices I had, and believe me I didn't like the choices, but don't know if I would be who I am now if things had been different," I said.

We walked slowly down the aisle with Heather and her father just a few steps behind. When we reached the front of those gathered dad gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek lifting my veil back off my face.

"I love you Alex. I really wish things could have been different," Dad said.

I took the last two steps alone, something I hoped I would never have to do again.

I turned and Heather stood there holding out her hands. I took her hands and watched as both our fathers found their seats and we turned together toward the judge who was preforming the ceremony.

The wedding ceremony was started and I didn't hear anything but the beating of mine and Heather's hearts as they became one in rhythm.

"I understand you have written your own vows," the judge said.

I turned to Heather as she turned to me.

"Heather fifteen years ago I said these words to a woman I loved with all I am, and nothing has change in those fifteen year as the woman I said I love you to then is still just as beautiful as she was that day. What we did fifteen years ago feels like a rehearsal for today, since the vows we exchanged then were never seen as legal by anyone but us."

"I love you as much today as I did the first time I ever told you, and in your arms I feel as safe as I did the first time you held me."

"A lot of things have changed over the last fifteen years, but my heart isn't one of those changes," I said.

Heather smiled at me and all I saw were her eyes as she stared into mine.

"Alexandra time seems to have turned back so I feel like a school girl again locked in your eyes. I knew I loved you the day we first met, and the love I felt that day has only grown deeper with each passing day. I can't imagine living any longer without you by my side. I love you with all I am," Heather said.

We stood there facing each other for what seemed mere moments, but like a lifetime as well. Ten lifetimes passed in that moment and our love only grew with each tick of the clock.

We turned back to the judge and he asked if we had rings to seal our relationship.

Angela stepped forward holding a pillow with a single gold band on it.

"Alexandra if you'll repeat after me," the judge said as I picked up the ring, and Angela stepped back into her place.

"I Alexandra Kate DeMay promise to love honor and cherish you till death do us part," the judge said. "If you'll place the ring on her finger. With this ring I thee wed."

He turned to Heather and said the same to her.

"I Heather Diane Menes promise to love, honor and cherish you till death do us part," Heather said as Marie stepped forward holding a pillow with a single white gold band on it.

"With this ring I thee wed," Heather said slipping the ring on my finger.

"I now pronounce you married according to the laws of the land," the judge said. "You may now kiss."

My lips touched Heather's and I felt lightning pass between us igniting our souls and binding us together as one. I never wanted this kiss to end and was certain in my heart our love for each other was without bounds.

"Well Mrs Heather Menes-DeMay, how do you feel?" I asked.

"I hope you don't mind if I just go by DeMay," Heather said.

"Why would I mind? There will be times I'm sure I'll want to use Alex Menes," I said.

"And your more than welcome to do so any time you want Mrs DeMay-Menes," Heather said.

We kissed again for what seemed a moment that stretched into eternity.

When we finally broke the kiss and turned to everyone seated there we saw smiles even on the faces of those we suspected didn't approve. We slowly started back down the aisle in the direction we had come as two single people hoping to become one.

I spotted the people from the bar and smiled at them to thank them for coming. Dan stood and came over to us offering us his best wishes and saying he hoped to introduce me to the owner of the bar, but as yet hadn't seen him.

Kathy came up as most of those from the bar gave Heather and I hugs and best wishes.

"I don't know who all those people are, but they do seem glad to see you," Kathy said.

"Their friends we invited last night and again this afternoon," I said.

I don't understand, when did you have time to invite anyone, last night you got in a fight with one of our cousins and today you disappeared to god only knows where until you were almost late," Kathy said.

"We didn't disappear today. We took the kids horseback riding this morning and this afternoon went to the same bar we were at last night," I said.

"And they are all people you met at that bar?" Kathy asked.

"Their great people who all have big hearts and are accepting of others," I said.

Heather and I headed for the rooms we got dressed in, Heather pushing us toward the room I had been in and closing the door before anyone else was able to enter.

"You know we're supposed to just remove these skirts for the reception?" Heather asked.

"I suspected as much, but I have no intention of wearing this dress without this skirt with how short it is," I said.

"I have a remedy for how short it is if your interested," Heather said pulling me into another kiss.

"Does it involve leather?" I asked kissing her before she could answer.

I undid her skirt and let it fall to the floor before breaking the kiss.

"You can be such a slut sometimes," Heather said, undoing my skirt so it fell to the floor.

"How do you propose we step out of these skirts without stepping on them?" I asked.

"I don't have a clue, but you seem to or you wouldn't have said anything," Heather said and we both laughed.

"First tell me about your idea to piss off my sister and your cousin," I said.

"We knew this room was one of the rooms we would be using to get dressed for the ceremony and I figured out the idea of these dresses after the first fitting. I decided I wanted to surprise you with something a little nicer for the reception and since they had the outfit in both our sizes and the outfits would go very well with these boots I took some of the money I kept finding in my purse and bought each of us an outfit that just might steam both Kathy and Jennifer. They should be hidden in that bench over along the wall," Heather said, giving me another kiss.

I pulled the zipper at her back down and lifted her setting her just outside the heap that was our skirts.

Heather gave me a hurt look since she knew she could never lift me and turn setting me back down outside the heap our skirts made. I winked at her and did a flip that landed me just outside the skirts lying on the floor.

"Your going to have to teach me how to do things like that," Heather said.

"I'd love to but it does mean bring your life into balance fully," I said.

She stepped behind me wrapping one arm around my waist as she slid my zipper down letting it fall to the floor.

"You are so beautiful," Heather said, turning me around and wrapping both her arms around my neck pulling me in for another kiss.

When she tried to pull back I followed holding the kiss even longer.

"Only half as beautiful as you are," I said sliding her dress down over her hips.

She stepped out of her dress and reached down picking up both dresses and tossing them with the skirts. She raised the seat on the bench and pulled out two white leather dresses that looked very much like our wedding dresses with a longer hem and helped me adjust the bigger one so it fit over my breasts and started pulling up the zipper before hooking the top. I sucked in my stomach hoping it might help only to have her goose me pulling up the zipper at the same time.

"That wasn't very nice," I said.

It does look great though, at least until you get down to those pantie lines, Heather said.

I looked in the full length mirror and noticed the waist of my panties did show so reached under the skirt and pulled them down letting them fall to the floor. The bottom of the skirt came just below the tops of the boots and I smiled since the leather skirt was loose enough I knew moving around wouldn't cause the skirt to hike up and stay up.

I saw Heather struggling to pull another dress identical to the one I was wearing over her hips and started laughing when she finally gave up.

"You could always help rather than just standing there laughing," Heather said.

I walked over and pulled the zipper down the rest of the way and helped her tug it up and get it adjusted over her breasts.

She started to say something and I hooked the top pulling the leather a little tighter than necessary cutting off whatever she was going to say. I pulled the zipper up locking it before she was able to again start to say anything.

"Other than your pantie lines your dress looks perfect," I said sliding my hands up her legs high enough to hook her panties and slide them down her legs.

## Chapter 62

Someone started knocking on the door and Heather and I started laughing.

"You two have guests, or do you expect us to pretend to be you?" Jenny asked when we opened the door.

"You want to try?" Heather asked.

"Some times I hate you Heather," Jenny said.

"If it just weren't for all those times you love me. I guess we're done changing," Heather said.

We joined the party both of us taking a glass of champagne from a server close to the room we had been in.

"Alex, Heather?" Dan said.

"Hello Dan, are you enjoying the party?" I asked.

"I found my boss, he said he knows you, but hasn't seen you in more years than he cares to remember," Dan said.

"Dan, my family moved away from here when I was only six. Until I came here for the federal court case that finished up the first of the week I haven't been back, or even seen any of the family I have here, with the exception of one uncle I didn't even know was an uncle," I said.

"Well let me introduce you then," Dan said, walking over to a group of people I didn't know. "Excuse me Doug you said you wanted to meet Alex and Heather," Dan said.

A man that looked identical to Eddie turned and smiled.

"Hello Alex, Heather. I understand your the one who put Eddie in the hospital," Doug said.

"He shouldn't have tried fucking with me," I said.

"That's what Uncle Brian said too. He said something about you knowing martial arts," Doug said.

"I have a fair understanding of martial arts," I replied.

"You wouldn't care to tell me what Eddie did would you?" Doug asked.

"Does it matter what he did? I stopped just short of killing him, but I'm sure he's probably wishing I would have killed him about now," I said.

"I wouldn't know from what the doctors have said he may never be able to talk again," Doug said.

"I guess he should have let go of me before that last blow, then I might not have hit him in the throat," I said.

"Look Alex, Eddie is a pain in the ass who thinks because he has DeMay blood he can do pretty much whatever he wants in this town. He's been told more than once if he didn't start treating people with a little respect it would one day come back to haunt him. I have no doubt he was looking for trouble and since he didn't know you and you didn't know him he got what he deserved," Doug said.

"I'm sure Aunt Geri would argue that," I said.

"Mom isn't any better than Eddie about giving anyone any respect. From what my sister said you remembered mom from before you moved away," Doug said.

"I notice she isn't here, but if she would have been, I would have asked her to leave, after the way she treated me yesterday," I said.

Doug smiled and gave me a hug. "Alex it has been a real pleasure meeting you, and I don't want you to feel bad about what happened I have no doubt Eddie deserved what happened and I'm glad someone was finally able to stand up to him. That it was a cousin that looks to small and weak to stand up to anyone makes it even more gratifying," Doug said.

"Do I really look to small and weak to stand up for myself?" I asked.

"I doubt anyone would be afraid of you unless they gave you reason to teach them about respect," Doug said.

"Believe me Doug she is anything but harmless. I learned that in the courtroom about eleven years ago," Uncle Pete said joining Doug, Heather and I.

"I became even better in the courtroom after that time we went up against each other eleven years ago Uncle Pete. I was wondering if you've given my proposal anymore thought?" I asked.

"I have and I really like the idea. Alex, my wife is really angry I won't file charges against you for what happened to Eddie. After getting the story of what happened though I'm afraid it's Eddie who would end up in jail," Uncle Pete said.

"I have no intention of filing any charges against him. I'm sure he's paying a harsh enough price for what he did to me," I said.

"Its not just what he tried doing to you that might land him in jail," Uncle Pete said.

"I don't think I want to know the whole story. As for my offer I think we need to talk to my other partners since it's likely to be one of them who will stay here to help set things up," I said.

I spotted Allen not far off, but couldn't see Brent anywhere. Heather spotted Allen as well and went over asking him to see about finding Brent and joining us with my uncle.

"Alex, you look as beautiful as ever and this time you and Heather both shone brighter than I remember either of you ever shining before," Allen said when he came up behind me wrapping his arms around me, so I couldn't move.

"And your just as sweet as ever Allen, but if you don't let go of my arms your wife might not like me any longer," I said.

"Allen I would do what she said since she is in the perfect position to make you suffer more than any man ever should," Brent said.

"Uncle Pete I'd like you to meet all of my partners. Allen Jessup, Brent Cordell, and of course Heather Menes-DeMay," I introduced.

"It's a pleasure and I've heard nothing but good about all of you. I doubt any of you know much about me, but until Alex I had a perfect record in the courtroom," Uncle Pete said.

"Allen, Brent, I was thinking of expanding our firm here. Uncle Pete is a top attorney and would be a great help in getting things here setup, but I was hoping one of you might be willing to stay here at least until Uncle Pete is able to prove he has what it takes to be a partner or we can find someone else able to become a partner," I said.

"So you aren't willing to make him a partner right away?" Brent asked.

"Uncle Pete is a very good attorney, but unlike you he doesn't know how we work. Brent you and Allen both graduated right behind me in school you both know how I do things and even when we were in school started doing things the same way. Heather is my wife and while it was never recognized legally until now, she has been my wife for fifteen years. Like me she cares about truth more than winning, so if her client is guilty she will seek to insure they pay an appropriate price for their guilt. When all of us know Uncle Pete is willing to fight like that, then and only then am I willing to offer a full partnership," I said.

Allen and Brent said they would need to talk to others about maybe moving to this town for a while to get law offices set up here, but Allen indicated his wife loved the town so far and he was sure moving wouldn't be much of a problem.

"Monday we all need to insure we have the proper licensing to practice law both here and back home. Uncle Pete I know this is home for you, and while I may have been born here, I really don't remember much about it and it isn't home for me. If you'll let us know how much you need I'm sure we can at least match what your current employer is paying and possibly even see you get a substantial raise, but if ever Allen, or Brent say you can't manage to work within firm practices you'll find yourself unemployed faster than we are willing to accept you in the firm," I said.

Allen all but said he would be willing to stay and get things setup, indicating his wife would love getting away from me and my seeming to always tell her what she did wrong.

"Allen I haven't jumped on your wife for anything since finally getting her to answer the phones right," I said.

"Yes but you did give her a bad time about putting our name ahead of yours," Allen said.

"If that's a problem do you really think she'll be able to handle living here where the DeMay name is such a big thing?" I asked.

"I'm not sure I understand what you mean," Allen said.

"She means her family founded this town, and the DeMay name is held in both awe and contempt. I've been able to avoid being thrown into the mold either way since I married a DeMay but have never shared publicly that I'm related to the DeMay's, something my wife has made easy since she seems to hate her heritage," Uncle Pete said.

"So it would make more sense for Alex and Heather to move here?" Allen asked.

"And what about my ranch Allen? Do you think I'm giving up on that simply because I found out I have a lot more family than I ever dreamed of having? Do you really think I would sell Lindsey, Angela and Marie's inheritance simply because I was born in a town founded by ancestors I know nothing about, and am related to a lot of people I don't know? No Allen, my moving here is not an option, and I'm not asking either you or Brent to move here. I have no doubt once Niki has finished school she would be willing to move here, and I know Jesse is planning on staying here with her boyfriend when the rest of us go back, but my coming back here to live is not an option," I said.

We talked a while longer until Kathy and Jenny came by asking if we were going to ignore everyone else there to wish us a happy life together.

I suggested Allen talk to his wife about moving and let me know in the morning if at all possible since if we were going to set up the firm here as well as back home one of the partners would need to move here, and the sooner we knew the sooner we could get us all licensed here as well as back home.

At the present time the only one of the partners I knew was able to practice anywhere in the country was Heather, and I did intend to gain a national license for myself, Allen and Brent as soon as possible, but for now getting a license where we have offices was more pressing.

I met several people who were family, or at least said they were family, all wishing Heather and I the best wanting to know if I had any plans of coming back since I was obviously the one everyone in my family looked to for guidance.

Trying to keep a smile was proving difficult with each person who seemed to think I should remember them when I hadn't been there in more than twenty years. Some of them telling me they remembered before dad moved us away always telling everyone my name was something they couldn't quite remember. I looked around for Kathy and saw Jenny standing off to one side of the gathering as though she wanted to escape, but didn't have anywhere to escape to.

"A penny for your thoughts," I said coming up to Jenny.

"Right now I don't think they'd be worth that much," Jenny said.

"You don't know where Kathy is, do you?" I asked.

"I think she's in the room you got dressed in. She said something about needing to make sure something didn't get picked up by the wrong people," Jenny said.

"How long ago was that? Jenny I haven't seen her since Heather and I came back out after changing out of our wedding dresses," I said.

"It's been at least that long. She said it was something you said she should read," Jenny said.

"Thank you Jenny, I think I know where she is," I said.

I headed for the changing room and was stopped several times by people wanting to give me a hug and tell me they thought I was probably the most beautiful bride they could remember. I thanked them returning the hug but showing an inpatients so they cut their conversations short.

When I reached the room Heather and I had changed in I saw Kathy sitting in a corner tears running down both cheeks as she held the notebook I had given her containing the court record of my testimony.

I sat next to her and she didn't move, but let out an audible sigh as she tried to regain her control.

"How Alex? How could you survive that?" Kathy asked.

"I didn't have a choice. If I couldn't have been strong enough they would have done those things to you and Niki," I said.

"Even Jesse didn't suffer some of those things did she?" Kathy asked.

"I don't know. Kathy the day David brought Jesse to one of those meetings I threatened, if they tried doing those things to her I would bite kick and claw them. As far as I know some of the things I went through she didn't, but if I wouldn't have been able to survive there would have been nothing to stop them," I said.

"Forgive me for getting mad at you, I didn't know, but I do understand a little now," Kathy said.

"There's nothing to forgive. I never told you any of this because I didn't think it was something you needed to know, I didn't think any of you needed to know. Heather asked for a recess after what's in there because she was afraid of losing me to the memories. She saw me slipping further and further into the memories trying to make sure everything I said was accurate, and was sure if we didn't stop at least for a little while she would lose me, and those people would win," I said.

"That's when they wanted to change their plea?" Kathy asked.

"It saved Jesse and Andrea from having to get on that stand and try remembering. Kathy I would have told everything and given anything to keep you and the others safe. I was expendable you weren't, at least to me none of you were," I said.

"None of us have a clue do we?" Kathy asked.

"If I told you that only scratches the surface would it matter? Kathy I couldn't do what you were asking last night, and to wear the dresses without the skirts was something I couldn't do either. Heather knew and made sure we had something else to wear," I said.

"You said I should share this with the others. I'm not sure that would be a good idea. Alex if I had known half what you went through I would have told you what David did after you left for school, I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry about us, I wanted you to finally be able to do something for yourself," Kathy said.

"I can't tell you to share, or not share that notebook with Niki and Nancy, that's something you'll need to decide. What I will say is I think they have as much right to know what's in that notebook as you do," I said turning and walking back out to find Heather.

I take it she's finally reading what's in that notebook?" Heather asked.

"What's in that notebook doesn't cover everything, it doesn't even cover half of the time frame it covers, but I don't think I'll ever be able to tell everything," I said.

I started avoiding everyone in hopes of finding a little time for just me, hoping Heather might be willing to hide with me, but knowing she enjoyed social gatherings and mingling. I knew this gathering was supposed to be joyful, but I didn't like crowds and to me this was a crowd.

I found a corner were I was out of the way and could still see everything going on. Heather had a bright smile as one person after another greeted her welcoming her into the DeMay family. I spotted the kids and saw Andrea sitting apart the same way I was and wondered if maybe it was the abuse we suffered that caused us to pull away from socializing.

"I'm not surprised to see you off by yourself," Mom said taking one of the empty seats at the small table I was sitting at.

"Did I always hate crowds?" I asked.

"When we still lived here you seemed to love gatherings like this as long as Geri wasn't around, but whenever she tried to say anything you'd hide in a corner," Mom said.

"She was the only one who couldn't accept me as a girl wasn't she?" I asked.

"I don't know if she was the only one, but she was the most vocal about it," Mom said.

"The last time Jenny took me to get my dress fit Aunt Geri showed up and insisted on calling me Kevin. She didn't like that I told her my legal name was Alexandra Kate and she could either use my legal name or I would file a defamation lawsuit against her," I said.

"I heard she called Pete to find out if he knew someone with your name and he told her if you said you would file a lawsuit against her she better know a better lawyer than him if she hoped to win," Mom said.

I didn't say anything because I didn't know what to say, I wanted to go home, to be able to saddle Rose and ride off across the fields and just get away from everything. Mom left me sitting there and I didn't even notice her leave. "Alex, Kathy said you gave her a notebook we should all read," Niki said sitting down in the chair mom vacated.

"Niki the note book is the court transcripts of my testimony. You can read it or not, your choice. I'm not going to say you should read it, or that you shouldn't read it. I will say it doesn't give a full account of what happened even for the time frame it covers, but it would give you an idea of just what I went through trying to protect all of you from having to go through the same thing, an idea of just how debase those people really were," I said.

"Would it be ok if Judy reads it with me?" Niki asked.

"Niki it's a public record, anyone can read it," I said.

She left not sure she wanted to read the court transcript, but still curious why she would have been the only one of my sisters I didn't want knowing about the fight I went through to protect them.

"Mom, I thought I was the only one who felt like I didn't belong," Andrea said.

"I don't like large crowds Andrea. From what grandma said it use to be only certain people I didn't like, but now it's everyone in a gathering like this. I can deal with most anyone as long as it's one on one," I said.

"Do you think it was because there were always a lot of people there when they did those things to us?" Andrea asked.

"I don't know dear," I said.

"You don't mind if I sit here do you?" Andrea asked.

"No I don't mind. Andrea will you tell me about what you, Lindsey and Alex do?" I asked.

"Mostly just hang around. Alex has shown us around, I think hoping we might want to stay here, but we always tell him how much fun it is back home and he gets this dreamy look like he wishes he could come stay with us sometimes," Andrea said.

"I'm sure if he wanted to he would talk to his parents and me to see about getting permission," I said.

"He's afraid you'd say no, because you always say something about us being cousins so he shouldn't want more than just friendship with us," Andrea said.

I looked over at Andrea and she gave me a big smile.

"Mom, I do like Alex, and I know Lindsey does too, but its just as friends," Andrea said.

"So he's more like a brother that doesn't mind having his sisters around?" I asked.

"I don't know if that's how it is for him, but that's how it is for us," Andrea said.

"You know if he did come stay with us he wouldn't be allowed in your rooms with the door closed." I said.

"I don't think I'd want him in my room with the door closed," Andrea said.

"I love you sweetheart," I said.

I leaned back and closed my eyes hoping when I opened them everyone but Heather and my kids would be gone. The day Heather and I first offered each other our vows came flooding in. So many friends in school there to wish us their best. Allen had been my best man while Brent had been Heather's. Tiffany seemed to be totally out of the whole thing even though she was supposed to have been both mine and Heather's maid-of-honor. Both Heather and I had given her a ring, but she didn't seem impressed with anything that wasn't expensive and come from a man so she never did wear either of our rings.

Why did she accept my marriage proposal this time around when she knew it wasn't right. She knew I was getting lost in memories from before I ever met her, and because of those memories couldn't seem to hold onto the memories of the friends I had from college, and just what kind of friend they were. She knew about my nightmares and for some reason put herself in Heather's place about sharing a room and laying with me at night to help me settle and get some real sleep.

All those memories were coming back and Tiffany showed how little she cared about either Heather or me, by having tried to take Heather's place when my memories were fussy at best.

I opened my eyes to see Aunt Geri standing over me with a look I couldn't begin to understand.

"Why are you offering my husband a job?" Aunt Geri asked.

"Why shouldn't I, he is one of the top lawyers in the state," I said.

"Why? I don't understand because I've done everything I could to make you fit into who I thought you should be, I saw how much it hurt you and didn't care, so why are you offering my husband a job?"

"Aunt Geri I learned a long time ago that hate doesn't accomplish anything, but a little kindness and acceptance accomplishes a lot. Uncle Pete is like I said one of the best lawyers in the state, and I know he'll do what's right even if it means losing, or appearing to lose his case. To me and my partners winning is getting to the truth not necessarily winning in the courtroom," I said.

"Even with everything I've done you can still call me Aunt? Why?" Aunt Geri asked.

"Because your my fathers, sister. Even after all dad did I still call him dad, because it doesn't matter if I like the idea, he is still my father. I can't change biological facts, but I can control how I feel about those facts. I'm sorry about what happened to Eddie, but he didn't know me and I didn't know him. I didn't mean to hurt him and did warn him. He tried forcing me to do something I didn't want to do. If he would have let go after the first or second time I hit him, he wouldn't be in the hospital now with a chance of never being able to talk without mechanical help," I said.

"Doug said I shouldn't get near you because you'd have me thrown out if you knew I was here. So why aren't you doing that?" Aunt Geri asked.

"Maybe because I'm tired and just don't care. Maybe because right now the only thing that matters to me is this party ending so I can spend time with my wife and children. I really don't know how to answer your question, because I don't know the answer, something I'm sure all my sisters would find amazing," I said.

"I don't think we would Alex. Not after reading that notebook," Niki said. Sitting across the table from me.

"You look like you've been crying," I said.

"Do you really think any of us could read that and not cry? I think I know why you didn't want them to tell me now," Niki said.

"Aunt Geri do you have any idea why we came back here?" I asked.

"Not really, I was guessing to see the rest of the family," Aunt Geri said.

"I was six when we moved away. I didn't even remember having ever lived here. We came back because this is where that federal court hearing was moved to in hopes of finding an impartial jury. My oldest daughter, Jesse and I were all witnesses for the prosecution. Luckily I was the only one who had to testify before those standing trial changed their plea from not guilty, to guilty," I said.

"I don't understand, from everything I know about that they were all charged with abuse against children and women, along with trafficking in slavery," Aunt Geri said.

"That's exactly what it was about, and I was the only witness thought to still be mentally sound enough to be credible and because of my work as a lawyer I was the one who was able to help the state get the physical evidence to prove the trafficking charges," I said.

I saw Nancy and Kathy both headed in my direction Nancy with the notebook in hand.

When they were close enough to not shout I asked if Nancy had read what was in the notebook and got a nod she had. I held out my hand and Nancy placed the notebook on the table.

"Aunt Geri if you want to understand a little better why all those years before we moved away hurt maybe you should read this," I said holding out the notebook for her to take.

She stood there looking at the notebook like it might bite her.

"This doesn't say anything about the years before we moved from here, but if your willing to read it you might understand just how hard it is for me to still do the right thing, and why when someone tries making me do something I don't want to, ends up paying a price that might be more harsh than it should be. When I hurt Eddie, I did so because I didn't feel he left me much choice. Maybe you should ask Niki to tell you about what I did to our brother David and what happened after," I said setting the notebook back on the table and walking off.

"I don't understand. Does that mean she's the one who killed David?" I heard Aunt Geri ask.

"It's a long story Aunt Geri, and one reading this could set the stage for better than any of us could. Something to keep in mind about Alex, is she is one of the best lawyers in the country, but she is also a grandmaster in martial arts," Niki said.

I found another corner to hide in where I could still see everything. I sat and closed my eyes wanting the world to finally start making sense. Why did all these people have to be here? Why couldn't I just leave. I heard the music start and still sat there with my eyes closed.

Heather came up and wrapped me in her arms and all the problems of the world slipped away into nothing. She started swaying to the music and I felt myself swaying with her.

"It's ok to feel troubled sometimes, but you aren't alone. As long as you can feel and hear me I'm with you and the troubles of the world can't touch you." I heard her words and knew they were said in love.

"You seem different today Alex," my sensei said when I went to my martial arts class the day after Heather and I got married.

I felt different. I felt like nothing in the world could destroy me any longer because I had someone who loved me. I did better that day I found everything about the exercises easier, they made sense finally. After the warm up exercises we were going to do some sparing and my sensei matched me up with one of the black belts who was years ahead of me in training. I wanted to cry because the person he matched me up with was the one who helped me the most when I first started learning.

"Sensei this isn't fair, how am I supposed to learn when you match me to someone so far ahead of me in training?" I asked.

My sensei pointed at the mat not saying anything. I stepped out on the mat and bowed to my sensei and turned bowing to the one person I feared and trusted most among the students.

My opponent took his stance and I just stood there. I knew I couldn't beat him I didn't know half what he did. He came in to sweep me off my feet and I jumped over him coming down sweeping my leg out and catching his support leg knocking him off his feet. He seemed to be moving so slow and it seemed his every move was exaggerated so it was easily counted. I felt myself freer than I had ever felt and moved in to end what should have been a loss for me.

I started with the swing that would have ended the fight and before I made contact heard my sensei call enough. Rather than completing the punch I pulled back and released my opponent letting him fall to the the mat.

I turned to my sensei and bowed, not sure what happened, but knew I would never be asked to participate in the sparing again.

"You have changed Alex, I don't think there is anything more I can teach you," my sensei said. Someone stepped out of the shadows and I bowed even lower than I had ever bowed to my sensei. "Master this is the one I told you of. When we talked I did not think she was this far yet, but she is already beyond my ability."

"Rise child," the master said. "Your master has told me you are learning balance tell me how did you win in a match you did not feel ready for?"

"I don't understand master, my opponent did not give his best, he did not try," I said.

I saw a deep far away look on the masters face and knew something I said meant something beyond what I knew.

"Perfect balance is found only in love. The body in balance sees what is not seen. The training is to learn to bring the body into balance, your sensei tells me you seek more, you seek balance of the mind as well as the body. When mind and body are in balance the mind is at peace and the body obeys the need of the mind. Only in love can such balance be found," the master said.

## Chapter 63

"Alex? Are you ready to go back to the hotel?" Heather asked.

I opened my eyes and saw Heather and our kids standing there looking around.

"I guess so, I didn't mean to go to sleep," I said.

"I don't know how you could sleep with all the noise," Uncle Brian said.

"I was having a wonderful dream, something I didn't think was possible," I said.

"From what Geri said I can imagine. Alex has anyone talked to you about Alexander coming to spend the rest of the summer with you when you return home?" Uncle Brian asked.

"My girls have, but I think if Alex really wants to come visit for a while he should be the one to ask," I said.

Uncle Brian smiled and turned to leave. "I agree fully, and I'll leave it up to you to say yes or no, I know if you say yes he won't be getting in trouble, something I'm not sure would happen if he stays here. I'll let him know he has to ask you," Uncle Brian said walking off.

I stood up and wrapped an arm around Heather's waist and together we walked out to the car the kids had. Heather and I helped Angela and Marie in their seats and sat in the back with them leaving the front for Andrea and Lindsey.

When they realized we were buckled in they got in and buckled their belts.

"I didn't think you'd let me drive with you in the car," Andrea said.

"Andrea I know Alex is still tired and I don't feel up to driving with all I've had to drink. I know the strongest drink any of you kids had was wine with dinner and that was hours ago," Heather said.

Andrea smiled and we were back at the hotel before I was fully awake.

"Mom will you let Alex come stay with us this summer?" Lindsey asked.

"Do you think I should?" I asked back.

"I know he kind of has a crush on Andrea, but I know Andrea likes someone else, and thinks of him more like a big brother," Lindsey said.

"That didn't answer the question," I said.

"I think it would be ok if he came to stay with us. Mom I really do like him and I have learned a lot from him since we got here," Lindsey said.

Andrea pulled up at the hotel letting us all get out at the door before she parked the car.

"What do you think Heather? Should we let my cousin stay with us if he asks?" I asked.

"I think we should make sure he'll understand the rules and agrees to them before we say yes, but I don't think there'd be much of a problem," Heather said.

I took Marie in my arms while Heather held Angela's hand to the elevator.

"Do you think we should let Alexander come stay with us, Angela?" I asked when the elevator doors closed.

Angela looked at me and then up at Heather and shrugged her shoulders.

"Is that an answer we should understand?" Heather asked.

"It's supposed to mean I don't know. Mom I like cousin Alex, but Lindsey and Andrea are the ones who spend the most time with him," Angela said.

"I understand that sweetheart, but if he comes to live with us when we go back home he will be around a lot more than he is now," Heather said.

"It would be kind of like having a brother again, so I guess it would be ok," Angela said.

We got Angela and Marie tucked in bed and talked a little about whether we should let Alexander come stay for the remainder of the summer once we returned home.

"Alex I was hoping to return home by mid week if possible," Heather said.

"How long will it take to get our national licensing taken care of?" I asked.

"I can have that done Monday," Heather said.

"I need to stay at least until we get an office to work out of. I hope Allen is willing to stay and help get everything set up, but if neither he nor Brent are willing the only other choice would be to bring my uncle in as a full partner and hope he's willing to follow the guidelines we set down," I said.

I gave Heather a hug and slipped into bed hoping she wouldn't be much longer.

In the morning Angela and Marie were both climbing all over mine and Heather's bed whispering loud enough we could have easily heard them from across the room.

"I told you they'd wake up," Marie said when I opened my eye and rolled over.

"It doesn't look like either of you are ready to get up yet since your still in your jammies," I said.

They both jumped off the bed and headed into the room their beds were setup in. I rolled over toward Heather and smiled when she opened her eyes.

"They both adore you," Heather said.

"I think it's you they adore, I'm just mom," I said.

I guess we need to think about getting up or we'll have them back in here whispering loud enough everyone else in the hotel will hear them," Heather said.

I slid out of bed and headed for the washroom to get the sleep out of my eyes, I watched in the mirror to see if Heather was going to follow her own suggestion, and smiled when she stood and headed to the washroom as well.

I found a dress I was sure would be comfortable and slid it on looking for something I hoped Heather would like along with shoes and emerged from the closet holding something that looked fun and would go well with what I was wearing as Heather came out of the restroom.

"I think this would be nice today," I said holding out what I hoped she would accept.

"I'll need leggings to wear something like that," Heather said and walked over to the dresser and found a couple pair of leggings tossing one pair at me.

We both pulled on the leggings and shoes and sat there smiling at each other wondering if it would always be like this.

Angela and Marie came running back in our bedroom dressed in jeans and tee shirts with their cowboy boots, or as they called them their cowgirl boot on.

"You two look like you want to go riding again today," Heather said.

They both started laughing and I took Angela in my arms while Heather took Marie in hers. We headed for the elevator so we could go down to the restaurant for some breakfast, and when the doors opened Alexander was standing there with Andrea and Lindsey.

"I'm guessing there's a reason for the three of you coming up to our room rather than waiting for us to come down?" I asked.

"Alex, dad said if I wanted to come stay with you this summer I needed to talk to you," Alexander said.

I placed Angela on her feet and told everyone else I would be down shortly, but this was something that should be dealt with in a little more private setting than the breakfast table.

"You might as well come off the elevator Alex or the answer is no," I said.

Alexander stepped off the elevator and the doors closed. I opened the door to my room and walked back in waiting for Alexander to follow.

"I know you think I want to come just so I can spend more time with Andrea, but that isn't the real reason," Alexander said.

"So why don't you tell me the real reason," I said.

"I'm afraid you'll laugh at me," Alexander said.

"Alex I won't promise not to laugh, but I can promise it won't be at you unless you aren't being true to yourself. I have no idea what Andrea or Lindsey might have told you about me, but the only thing that offends me about people who live in society is when they try to be something they aren't," I said.

"Lindsey said you tried to kill yourself a couple times, Andrea said you really care about people being themselves and hate when they aren't," Alexander said.

"Alex I did make two attempts at suicide, both times I almost succeeded. The first time I felt like there was no point since I was sitting in prison for a crime that never happened and because of who I am was locked away from all the other inmates supposedly for my own safety. I had no contact with anyone even the guards wouldn't talk to me, and all I ever heard were remarks about how if I was ever released back into the main population I likely wouldn't survive long because even in prison I presented as female and was locked up in a male prison. The second attempt was moments after I killed my brother David. He was being arrested for kidnapping Niki and Lindsey's aunt. He broke into the house I was living in and had both of them tied to beds and intended to rape them. When the police were trying to put him in handcuffs he managed to get the gun of one of the officers and took a shot at me missing me by inches. He was almost ready to take another shot when I let one of my stars fly severing his carotid artery and windpipe. He drowned in his own blood. When I looked around at the people there all I saw was fear and didn't want anyone to fear me. David tried to kill me, but I did kill him," I said.

"I don't understand, you were in prison? If the supposed crime never happened why weren't you able to beat the charges?" Alexander asked.

"I was setup. The trial was rigged, even before the charges were filed. Because of the people I came here to testify against the judicial system back home didn't work and the Justice Department thought they could use me to find out how it was broken," I said.

"Wasn't Heather part of the Justice Department?" Alexander asked.

"Heather wasn't involved in what happened, and when she found out she became livid with anger," I said.

"I guess there's a lot I don't know," Alexander said.

"Alex tell me why you want to come live with my family for the summer, or like I said the answer is no," I said.

"I was in a lot of trouble when you first got here, it was like I figured that because I was a DeMay I could do almost anything I wanted. I was the only one of the guys you met that day that followed you because I didn't like myself and what I was doing. That group of guys was the only ones who didn't pick on me because of how small I am," Alexander said.

"From what I've seen you've turned yourself around from that day and most of those guys with you have as well," I said.

"Their all afraid of Andrea and Lindsey. I think their even afraid of me a little now. The reason I hope you'll let me come stay with you over the summer is cause, I think I'm a girl and I hope you'll help me figure it out and if so help me tell mom and dad," Alexander said.

"You think your a girl? Alex you either are a girl or you aren't a girl, there's no I think, about it. I knew I was female as far back as I can remember, there was never any doubt in my mind who I was and to me Alexander Kevin DeMay never existed. Kathy helped me come up with the name Karen that I went by until I was eighteen, then she helped me come up with the name Kate and I changed my first name to Alexandra. There was never a question of me being a girl, it was who I am," I said.

"Sometimes I think I should be a girl, but sometimes I like being a boy," Alexander said.

"Did you ever think maybe your both? Someones gender is for them to know and all anyone else can do is accept them, or not. As long as your true to yourself I can accept you for whoever you are, but that means learning who you are and no one can do that for you. Aunt Geri never accepted me as a girl, but her refusal to accept me didn't change who I am, what it did do is show how small minded she was and teach her to become a bitter woman," I said.

"She is that. It isn't fun being the youngest in the family around here. I like hanging out with Andrea and Lindsey, and they keep telling me to just be myself too," Alexander said.

"So you think coming to stay with me will change how your treated?" I asked.

"I don't know. I just know things here will go back to what they were before you and your family showed up, and it scares me," Alexander said.

"Alex if you want things to change you have to change them. You have to become the change you want, its something only you can do," I said.

"So you won't let me come stay with you?" Alexander asked.

"I won't be returning home for at least a week, Heather and the kids will probably be heading back by Wednesday. If you can give me a good reason why I should let you come stay with me I'm willing to listen, but from what you've said thus far, I'm not sure it would be a good idea. Alex, fear is never a good reason when the power to make change is yours. Fear of falling back in with people you know are not a good influence isn't a good reason unless you can't avoid them, or their influence. You've learned a lot about martial arts since my girls got here and unless those kids you were hanging out with ganged up on you there isn't any reason you can't defend yourself against them. I know both of my girls gave you our home phone number and I gave it to both of your parents so getting a hold of me shouldn't be a problem, and it shouldn't take long for me to get here if needed. If your biggest fear is you aren't sure who you are, all I can suggest is learning who you are, and you can't do that any better at my home than you can here," I said.

"What if I should be a girl? Mom and dad will freak," Alexander said.

"Your parents accepted me as a girl as long as I can remember. They've accepted Nancy as a girl since she got here. They've even accepted Andrea as a girl. Why do you think they won't accept you if you tell them your a girl?" I asked.

"It's easy to accept you, Nancy and Andrea as girls, cause you are girls," Alexander scoffed.

"And what about my little Marie?" I asked.

"I don't understand," Alexander said.

"No you probably don't understand, but I'm sure your parents would. I was given the name Alexander Kevin when I was born. Nancy was given the name Neal John, when she was born. Andrea was given the name Andrew Charles, when she was born. Little Marie was Marcus Johnathan when she was born. Are you seeing a pattern here Alex?" I asked.

"But your all girls!" Alexander exclaimed.

"Yes we are all girls, though I'm not sure Marie has made up her mind yet," I said.

"So none of you were born girls?" Alexander asked.

"We were all born female though our bodies didn't reflect that fact. Alex only you know for a fact what your gender is," I said.

"So you mean I'm the only one who knows if I'm really a boy or girl?" Alexander asked.

"Who knows you better than you?" I asked.

"I guess I have a lot to learn, but I think maybe you could teach me better than anybody else I know," Alexander said.

"Do my girls know about any of this?" I asked.

"They told me there were things available to help someone look more like either a boy or a girl, if that isn't how they were born," Alexander said.

"And you hope by coming to stay with me you can finally figure out who you are. Hoping maybe I'd be willing to spend the money for the things that could make you look more like a girl?" I asked.

"I'd be willing to work to pay for those things," Alexander said.

"Alex we live on a working ranch and dairy farm. Everyone has chores that have to be done every day without fail. My kids are use to the long days of life on the ranch, but I'm not sure you understand how difficult it can be, and I know the girls haven't actually painted it as being as difficult as it is," I said.

"They said they don't deal much with either the dairy or beef cattle operation," Alexander said.

"Did they say anything about the chickens or pigs? Did they say what has to be done in regard to the horses? Alex if you come stay with us you'll have chores and they need to be done before there is time for play, and martial arts are considered play if the chores aren't done," I said.

"But how can Andrea and Lindsey be so far ahead of me in martial arts then?" Alexander asked.

"Because they know the rules and abide the rules. They both want to learn martial arts and know if they don't do their chores I won't teach them," I said.

"You didn't have to do chores to learn marital arts," Alexander said.

"Your right I didn't. When I learned martial arts I was attending law school full-time as well as working a full-time job. I pulled a straight 'A' through law school except for one class and have been told by the professor of that class I should have gotten an 'A' except he didn't believe me when I told him I couldn't do something because to miss as much time as it would have taken from my job would have meant I couldn't continue school. As it was I did most of the work for that assignment," I said.

"When did you sleep?" Alexander asked.

"When I could, usually when I was so tired I just couldn't go any longer. Alex I haven't slept well since I was eight years old, but I didn't let little things like sleep keep me from doing my best. I graduated top of my class in high school. I graduated top of my class from law school, and I graduated from law school with a doctorate in six years instead of the ten to twelve years it usually takes. I passed the bar exam with the highest score in generations, and most of those who know me say I'm the only person to have ever aced the bar exam," I said.

I hoped he was getting the idea I didn't accept excuses for myself, and the excuse for someone else better be a good one, or I wasn't likely to accept it from them either.

"How do I know who I am?" Alexander asked.

"A better question is, how can anyone other than you know who you are?" I asked.

"By asking me who I am," Alexander said.

"Then you have the answer to your own question. If you don't know who you are, how can you ever hope to have anyone else know who you are?" I asked.

"I know who I am, I think," Alexander said.

"So tell me Alex, who are you?" I asked.

"I'm your cousin," Alexander said.

"Does that say who you are, or who you are in relationship to me?" I asked.

"I don't know how to answer your question, then," Alexander said.

"Yet no one else can answer that question for you," I said.

I wanted to join the girls and Heather, but it looked like getting Alex to give me a good reason to let him come stay with me for the summer wasn't going to be easy. I'd made my decision when Uncle Brian talked to me about it, but I wanted Alex to start thinking because I wasn't going to let him do nothing while he was staying with me and my family.

"Alex I really would like to join the others for breakfast. I know I've given you a lot to think about, and want you to talk to both Andrea and Lindsey about it and see if they can help you find answers to some of the questions," I said, and headed for the door holding it indicating it was time to go.

We walked to the elevator in silence and when the doors closed he asked me if I thought he might be a girl.

"I don't now Alex. I'm willing to accept you for who you tell me you are, and I'm willing to help you become the best person you can be, but for you to ask me if your a boy or girl and expect an answer without you telling me... it won't happen," I said.

The elevator opened and Heather and the girls were all sitting there waiting for us. I gave Heather a hug asking her if she would talk to Lindsey about keeping Alex busy while I talked to Andrea and then Andrea could keep Alex busy while Lindsey and I talked. Lindsey nodded she would do her best after her and Heather talked for a few moments.

"Andrea I would like to talk with you for a few minutes," I said, when she started to follow Alex and Lindsey.

Andrea turned around and looked at me then told Alex and Lindsey she'd catch up shortly.

"Is something wrong?" Andrea asked.

"Not really. Andrea tell me what you've told Alex about breast forms and prosthetics," I said.

"Nothing really other than if some guy wants to look like a girl and pass, breast forms can help. Mom I never said anything about prosthetics," Andrea said.

"Did he ask about you being transgender?" I asked.

"No! One of his friends was saying something about girls can pass for boys better than boys can pass for girls," Andrea said.

"And you never said anything about being a girl who was thought to be a boy?" I asked.

Mom I would never," Andrea said.

"I hope that isn't true Andrea. I hope when you meet the right person you'll be willing to share even that part of yourself," I said.

"Mom I didn't mean when I find the right person I meant I don't like telling everybody the way you do. I... I don't lie about it if someone asked, but nobody seems to ever ask," Andrea said.

"Has Alex ever said anything about wanting to be a girl?" I asked.

"Not in words, but I know he likes shopping with Lindsey and me better than what most of the guys he hangs with do," Andrea said.

"Thank you Andrea. Do you think you can keep Alex busy while I talk to Lindsey?" I asked.

Lindsey came up and looked guilty, but of what I didn't have a clue.

"Did you do something you want to tell me about?" I asked.

"I don't think so, I thought maybe I did something, and figured you'd tell me what it was," Lindsey said.

"Tell me about what you've told Alex and his friends about breast forms and prosthetics," I said.

"They were talking about how much easier it is for a female to pass as male then it is for a male to pass for female. Mom, Andrea and I both said it wasn't really that hard for for a male to pass if they paid attention to what they were doing," Lindsey said.

"So who brought up breast forms and prosthetics?" I asked.

"I don't think anyone brought up prosthetics, but I said something about breast forms," Lindsey said.

"Please explain," I said.

"I think Alex wants to be a girl. Mom I'm not sure, but I think he prefers shopping with Andrea and me to hanging out with the guy friends he has," Lindsey said.

"Does he ever say anything about the clothes you look at?" I asked.

I heard him say he wished he could wear some of the dresses, but I don't think he was aware of saying it," Lindsey said.

"If you had the breast forms and a prosthetic, do you think he would let the two of you dress him up like a girl?" I asked.

"He'd need a wig too," Lindsey said.

"He would need to go with to get one that fits properly. The rest we can guess at without much problem, and I was thinking of a cheap wig at least until we know if Alex is male or female," I said.

"Mom, I hope he will understand it's to try helping him know who he is," Lindsey said.

"Can you and Andrea keep him busy until I have a chance of getting everything? I'd appreciate if you stay with Heather and your sisters as well," I said.

Lindsey ran off to catch up with Andrea and Alex after giving me her promise.

I talked to Heather and let her know there was something I needed to take care of and let her know the older girls agreed to stay with her at least until I got back.

I had seen a store I though might carry the things I was looking for and found a parking place that turned out to be centered between two adult stores. I went in the one I had seen from the street and started looking around, shaking my head at some of the things I saw wondering if people were really into things like that.

"Those are some of our best sellers," someone said.

I started shaking more than just my head as the memory of how some of those things were used came flooding back.

"Are you alright ma'am?" the person asked.

"Are you telling me people around here actually buy shit like that?" I asked.

"You don't approve?" they asked.

"Does the store across the way sell this kind of shit?" I asked.

"That store is geared more to the transgender community, were we are more exotic fetishes," they said.

"Fetishes? This stuff is torture and should be illegal. The only people who could get off using something like this on someone else should be locked away," I said.

The person gave me a look that said they found some of the things there enjoyable.

I walked out of that store and across to the other one and found not everything I wanted was available, but they had heard of them and would gladly special order them if I wanted.

"I can't imagine these things are for you. Is your husband transgender, maybe?" the person asked smiling as though they weren't sure I would answer.

"No my wife isn't transgender. These are for someone else, someone not really old enough to come in here yet. Someone who seems terrified about what others might say if they tell them the truth of how they feel," I said.

I told them I wasn't interested in doing any special orders since the store back home did carry everything and if Alex didn't feel dressing as a girl was right I didn't want to spend the money for the better items.

They had some less expensive breast forms that would look good with a bra, and as long as the dress wasn't tight across the hips the prosthetic they had would give the idea of what having the sex of a female would be. They had some wigs that weren't to bad but wouldn't last long if not properly cared for. After making sure to get all those things I noticed they had dresses that didn't look bad, they were short but not any shorter than Andrea and Lindsey wore most of the time. I found one I thought was very cute, and hoped if Alex didn't like it one of the girls would.

I called Heather to find out where they were and started laughing since they were at the shopping mall around the corner and down a couple streets from where I was. I let her know I would be there shortly, and asked if anyone had picked up makeup and fake finger nails to help make the transition even more realistic. She said the girls had bought makeup and polish, but hadn't even looked at fake nails.

I wondered if Alex's nails were longer than I realized, but didn't give it much thought, if his nails were long, or short wouldn't matter.

I found everyone almost as soon as I entered the mall and had Lindsey and Andrea almost dragging me to show me a dress they loved. I saw there were enough of the dress hanging on the rack to easily fit both of them and Alex.

I let them each pick out the one they thought would fit them and headed over to the lingerie to see about finding Alex a bra that might fit better than any they had at the adult store, and if possible find some matching panties as well.

"Those bras look a little small for you," Heather said coming up behind me wrapping her arms around me.

"I'm sure they are a little small for me, but this isn't for me, and for who they are for to have tits right now they will need to wear a bra, something I haven't needed to do in more years than I care to remember," I said trying to turn so I could give her a kiss and hold her in my arms.

"Do you really think it's a good idea to do something like this to your cousin?" Heather said holding me so I couldn't turn.

## Chapter 64

I finally managed to turn in Heather's arms and let her know all I was doing was trying to show Alex what he said he wanted.

"Heather the forms and prosthetic I know make it difficult to take back off aren't available here except by special order, and even if they were I wouldn't use them for someone who isn't sure it's what they want," I said.

"So this is just a way of helping him learn who he is?" Heather asked.

"From what the girls both said this could be who he is, but when I talked to him he didn't seem very sure of anything," I said.

"I guess he wears about the same size Niki does so maybe if it isn't she'd like to have a dress like that," Heather smiled and leaned in for a kiss.

After the girls were changed back into the clothes they had been wearing I paid for everything, and we headed back to the hotel. I made sure everything I had gotten to transform Alex was in the car and the girls knew what I expected. Heather and I watched as they took off headed back to the hotel.

Heather was already sitting behind the wheel so I slid in the passenger side and laid back closing my eyes. The ride back to the hotel wasn't far, but at the moment I wasn't sure I wanted to see anything other than the inside of my eyelids.

I felt the car stop and opened my eyes to see we were parked next to the car the girls had taken and Heather was getting ready to get out.

"I guess I fell asleep, I don't remember feeling the car move until it stopped," I said.

"If you want I passed a building on the way back here I think you might be interested in for offices here," Heather said.

"It'll take the girls a little time to do what their doing so if you want to show me, I think I can manage to stay awake this time," I said.

Heather pulled her belt back around clicking it and started the car backing out of the parking place and heading for the street.

I paid attention to where we went and when she pulled in the parking lot of a building that had a for sale or lease sign I knew this was the building I wanted.

I reached over giving her as much of a hug as the seat belts allowed and took out my phone calling the phone number on the sign.

It rang a half dozen times before someone finally answered.

The person who answered didn't identify themselves and I thought of hanging up, instead identifying myself and explaining what I wanted.

"Mrs DeMay are you sure you want that building? It's been on the market for over a year and so far everyone who has shown any sign of interest backs out after seeing it," they said.

"I'm sitting in the parking lot for the building right now. If it is what I'm looking for and the price is reasonable I want it since it looks very much like the offices I have back home," I said.

"It will take me about twenty minutes to get there," the as yet unidentified person said.

I asked Heather if she wanted to wait with me or head on back to the hotel and got a very dirty look.

"If we're partners in this I should see just what we're buying into," Heather said.

We both got out of the car getting Angela and Marie out as well. I wanted to see more than I could standing in the parking lot and since neither Angela nor Marie wanted to be carried we started walking at a pace they could easily keep up hoping they would soon tire and let us carry them.

It took almost an hour before anyone showed up, and I started to laugh. Heather grabbed my arm giving me a stern look.

"Don't you dare Alex," Heather said.

"Dare what? Heather I didn't recognize the voice over the phone and they never did identify themselves," I said.

Aunt Geri walked up to the front door and stopped holding out the notebook I had left on the table the night before.

I took the notebook without saying a word and waited for her to either unlock the door or say something.

"I... I don't think I'll ever understand you Alexandra, but I don't want to be the Aunt who can't accept someone simply because they aren't what I expect. I can't ask you to forgive me, and I can't say I'd blame you if you can't, but I have a feeling you forgive everyone for any wrongs they've done you. I don't have your strength. I know I couldn't have survived what you did," Aunt Geri said.

"Aunt Geri if you're the Realtor for this property I really would love to take a look inside," I said.

Aunt Geri opened a lock box and took out the key opening the front door.

"I've shown this place to several companies who all seemed interested until they found out the wiring is original from when the building was built," Aunt Geri said.

"It's not grounded wiring?" I asked.

"I don't think so. All the outlets I've seen are only two prong," Aunt Geri said.

"What are the owners asking?" Heather asked.

"They were asking a million five, but have come down to three quarters of a million," Aunt Geri said.

Inside the front door looked almost exactly like my offices back home. I found the stairs to the upper floors and headed up looking around to see if the whole building was laid out like the one back home.

"Are the current owners willing to negotiate, say accept seven hundred if they won't need to do any repairs like replace the roof?" I asked.

"I might be able to get them down to six hundred for that," Aunt Geri said.

"I'm willing to go to the full seven hundred fifty but if they'll take less it will make doing the repairs easier to justify," I said.

"You really have that kind of money? I'm sorry Alexandra, but I know your father never had much more than enough, and your mother was a stay at home mom if I'm not mistaken," Aunt Geri said.

"Mom and dad couldn't even afford to pay for my schooling to become a lawyer. I retired after five years with enough in the bank I didn't need to worry about working again if I didn't want too. Some things happened and about a year ago I opened my own law office and asked some of my best friends from school to join me. So far all the start up costs have come out of my pocket," I said.

Aunt Geri looked down nodding her head that what Uncle Pete told her about me was making more and more sense.

"Ma'am, Alex is likely the best lawyer in the country in almost ever area of law. She graduated top of her class, and passed the bar exam with the highest score in over one hundred years," Heather said.

"I don't think I understand," Aunt Geri said.

"Alex made her money in contract law. She had several clients willing to pay one hundred thousand dollars or more just to have her on retainer. What that means is they were paying her just to be available should they ever need her. From what I understand whenever she worked on a contract or dispute she received a sizable settlement that was above the retainer fee that simply meant she was available," Heather said.

"So you were double billing your clients?" Aunt Geri asked.

"No I didn't double bill anyone. The only time I would accept a retainer fee was if I drafted the contract and the terms of the retainer fee were explicitly spelled out, that it was a fee to insure either I was available, or would furnish someone who was very competent if for some reason I wasn't available. Whenever I negotiated a contract or defended a contract it was spelled out in the retainer contract that I would receive five percent of any award should there be a challenge to a contract I wrote or negotiated," I said.

"And you became a multi-millionaire in five years?" Aunt Geri asked.

"I had over twenty client corporations paying me a five hundred thousand dollar retainer fee, their choice and that of the firm I worked for not mine. Then I had another dozen companies paying me a one hundred thousand dollar retainer fee. Add in the contracts I negotiated that paid me, usually well over a million dollars at the five percent fee, and the contract disputes I worked again paying five percent and I was a multi-millionaire within three years. I retired after my fifth year because the firm I worked for refused to honor the contract we had both signed when they hired me, and in that contract I had agreed not to practice contract law for five years if I ever left the firm. I had enough in the bank I didn't need to worry about money so I started the Pride Center back home and for the next five years ran that," I said.

Aunt Geri said she would do her best to get me the lowest price she could on the building and I thanked her, letting her know I did want the building but before she made an actual offer I wanted to get an inspection so I knew what all repairs would be needed, and find out what rewiring the building would cost. In general I wanted to know if it would be cheaper to tear the building down and start over, or if this building could be fixed in less time and for a substantially lower cost.

We headed back to the hotel and were met in the lobby by Lindsey who insisted we needed to stop by the room her and Andrea shared.

Heather took Angela and Marie up to our room while I followed Lindsey to her room.

"Is Kelli ready?" Lindsey asked when she entered the room.

I gave her a questioning look since I wasn't sure who this Kelli was.

I walked in the room and sitting in the chair was a young lady I did and didn't recognize. I knew who she was, but looking at her sitting there wasn't sure it was possible she could look so different.

"Is this who you are Kelli? Are you ready to answer the questions I asked earlier?" I asked.

"This is who I've always been. I wanted to grow my hair long, but mom said she liked it short after she found out whenever I'd go over to Cody's to play Cody and I would always change into each others clothes," Kelli said.

"Are you willing to let your parents see the beautiful woman they've raised or would you rather take all that off and stay here for the summer?" I asked.

"Do I have to tell my parents? Please Alex, they'll never understand," Kelli said in a voice that matched her look perfectly.

"Kelli if you intend to come stay with me and my family over the summer I know you'll want to be who you are now. You know your parents will want pictures, and will likely call at least once a week. Do you really think they won't find out?" I asked.

Kelli gave me a hurt look aware if she wanted to be able to be herself throughout the summer she was going to have to tell her parents.

"Kelli I won't accept the responsibility of carrying on a lie to an aunt and uncle who have accepted me for as far back as I can remember. I know telling them is going to be hard for you, but I know they do love you and will always want the best for you. I know they would rather you tell them up front than hearing about it through the grapevine," I said.

I called Uncle Brian's and waited while the phone rang, never taking my eyes off Kelli.

Aunt Gwen answered after the third ring.

"Aunt Gwen I was wondering if there would be a good time we could come by to discuss something?" I asked.

She let me know Uncle Brian was out and likely wouldn't be back for a couple hours. I told her we would stop by in about four hours since I needed to do a little shopping. I looked over at Kelli as if to ask if she wanted to talk.

"Aunt Gwen there's someone here I think wants to talk to you," I said holding the phone out to Kelli.

"Mom do you remember why you wanted me to keep my hair short?" Kelli asked.

I hoped she was going to tell her mother the truth, and from the look thought for sure she would.

"No, mom it isn't like that. This is the real me and I didn't want it anymore than you did, but I can't be someone I'm not any longer," Kelli said.

She started nodding and I saw a tear roll down her cheek.

"I love you mom. Can you please let me tell dad? If he's at work I can probably call him there," Kelli said.

There was another long pause, and Kelli ended the conversation telling her mother she promised nothing to short since she was sure even I wouldn't let her get away with anything that showed too much leg.

I looked at Kelli as she handed the phone back.

"Mom said she isn't surprised that something like this happened especially since your so open about your transition," Kelli said.

I smiled and let them know we needed to go talk to Heather before we could go anywhere.

I walked in the room and saw Heather reading a story to Angela and Marie both of them curled up on the bed asleep.

Heather looked up and saw me and the three older girls standing there and smiled at me.

"I was thinking of climbing in bed with these two," Heather said.

"If you want to I can take care of these three. I need to take them shopping to see about getting Kelli some more clothes though I don't want to get her much here since it appears she'll be spending the summer with us," I said.

"Alex are we ever going to get any time for just us?" Heather asked.

"I'm afraid it won't be much until we get back home," I said.

"I love you. Take care of what you need to, we'll manage to get the time we need," Heather said.

I gave her a hug and kiss not wanting to let go of the hug.

"Kelli you look wonderful," Heather said when I finally released the hug.

"Thank you, I feel better than I have in years," Kelli said.

Andrea and Lindsey both got in the back of the car they normally used allowing me the driver seat and Kelli the front passenger seat. It took us about fifteen minutes to find a parking place at the mall and just before we found one I thought of giving up and going over to the store I preferred.

"Kelli, you promised your mother nothing to short and I think that means nothing shorter than what my girls have been wearing. While I'm willing to buy you a few clothes it wouldn't be right for us to do so where we normally shop since your family can't afford that store as easily as I can," I said.

"Do you always wear designer labels?" Kelli asked.

"Most of our clothes do come off the rack, but are still a lot better quality than most mall stores carry and the price is a little higher because of the higher quality," I said.

We all walked in the mall together and all three teenage girls took off for the better stores the mall had, leaving me trying to keep up. Ever since my last experience in the mall back home I was extremely cautious and did my best to insure no one bumped me. I caught up with the girls in the teen section of the only store in the mall I felt carried clothes even close to what I might wear.

Andrea was looking through the blouses while Lindsey looked through the skirts and pants. Kelli seemed drawn to the shoes, but stayed with Andrea and Lindsey.

"Your Andrea aren't you?" someone asked Andrea.

"Yea, aren't you Cody?" Andrea asked.

"I'm Cody's sister Cathy. You haven't seen your cousin Alex have you? Cody wanted to talk to him," Cathy said.

Andrea stopped what she was doing and looked around unsure how to answer the question.

"Kelli I think one of your friends are asking questions of my girls only you should answer," I said pointing over to where Andrea was standing looking lost.

"Hello Cathy, are you looking for me?" Kelli asked.

Cathy gave Kelli a look of confusion I found comical.

"Who are you?" Cathy asked.

"I'm Kelli. Andrea's mom is my cousin," Kelli said.

"I guess your the one Cody wants to talk to then," Cathy said.

A young man joined them and I watched as he looked at Kelli as though not sure what he was seeing.

"Is there something wrong Cody?" Kelli asked.

"Do you believe me now Kelli, or do you still think I was lying," Cody said.

"This isn't because of anything you did. My cousin said if I wanted to stay with her and her family this summer I had to learn who I am first," Kelli said.

That wasn't exactly what I said, but it did convey the message to a degree. I wanted Kelli to understand what it was she was asking. I wanted her to finally be able to grasp what it was that was holding her back in almost everything she tried doing. I felt if she was honest with herself about who she is she might be willing to risk doing what it takes to become even more than she thought possible.

Kelli tried on several outfits while Cody was around always wanting his opinion before changing into the next outfit. Any of them Cody liked she said she wanted and I just stood there smiling. When she stepped in the dressing room with the last outfit I stepped up to Cody and asked what he thought.

"I think she's beautiful, but I told her that the first time I saw her dressed as Kelli," Cody said.

"Your the one she use to trade clothes with when you were little kids?" I asked.

"She told you about that?" Cody asked.

"I didn't give her a lot of choice. Cody she's a good kid and I have a feeling if she stays here this summer she won't be a good kid when she finishes growing up. It was her idea to ask if she could come live with me and my family, and her parents left it up to me to make the decision of whether she does, but I said unless she asked the answer was no," I said.

"I'm not the one she got in trouble with, in fact I tried telling her what she was doing was wrong," Cody said.

"It's alright Cody, she'll be living with me for the summer though she'll probably be going with Andrea, Lindsey, my wife and two smaller children when they return home. I wish I could leave with them, but I still have about a week or two of business I need to tend to before I can return home," I said.

"I thought you were one of the DeMay's?" Cody asked.

"My last name is DeMay, but this hasn't been my home since I was six years old," I said.

I looked at the girls and let them know we needed to get going if we were going to stop at the nail salon before we needed to meet Uncle Brian and Aunt Gwen.

Cody tried to carry on the conversation and I gave him a stern look that said he had whatever answers he was going to get.

"Your the cousin Kelli talks about that knows martial arts, aren't you?" Cody asked.

"Cody if mom said she wouldn't answer anymore questions, she means it. As for your last question, mom is a grandmaster according to everyone I've met here who knows about that kind of thing," Lindsey said. Andrea nodded her head confirming everything Lindsey said.

Andrea had a stack of new clothes that would fill a closet and I had no intention of buying all of them.

"Kelli if that stack Andrea is holding is what your hoping to get, I really hope you have some money to pay for them. If you expect me to buy them you need to reduce that stack to about one third and when we all get back home I'll be happy to take you shopping again," I said.

Kelli gave me a hurt look and started going through the stack of clothes picking out four outfits and helping Lindsey and Andrea put the rest back on the racks.

"I'm sorry Kelli, I know you don't have many clothes right now, but in a few days Heather and the girls will be returning home and I have no doubt they'd be more than happy to take you shopping to fill out your wardrobe. Right now though we need to keep it down for convenience. I'd like to see you get a couple pair of jeans and some better boots for on the ranch, but that can wait until you get there as well," I said.

"Alex I know your spending money I haven't earned, and I do want to be able to pay as much of my expenses as I can," Kelli said.

"We need to get you some shoes, then I saw a nail salon on the way in that said walk ins welcome," I said.

We found a shoe store that had nice shoes and got a couple pair along with some cowboy boots with a more feminine look to them, and headed for the nail salon.

When we finished shopping it was time to head over to Uncle Brian's since it had been four hours from the time I called.

Kelli was nervous about going in, and Andrea and Lindsey both held back with her offering her encouragement, while I went in to make sure both Uncle Brian and Aunt Gwen were home. I knocked on the door as Uncle Brian pulled in the drive.

"Hello Alex. Where's Heather?" Uncle Brian asked walking up to the door and opening it inviting me in.

"Her and the little ones are back at the hotel taking a nap, or at least they were. They'll probably be here before long," I answered.

"I take it your older girls have a new friend they brought over to meet Alex?" Uncle Brian asked.

"Not exactly, but I'll let them tell you rather than me telling you. In fact it might be best if Kelli tells you than if my girls tell you," I said loud enough I knew all three of the girls heard.

Uncle Brian raised an eyebrow at my comment, but didn't say anything. We headed in the house while the girls still held back Kelli looking like she wanted to hide.

Aunt Gwen was in the kitchen where it seemed she spent an unusual amount of her time, at least it seemed unusual to me since mom never spent much time in the kitchen.

"I'm guessing you have Kelli with you?" Aunt Gwen asked.

"She seems a little reluctant to come in, but I'm sure they'll be in before long," I said.

"I guess we could let her know Briana is supposed to be coming over for dinner," Aunt Gwen said.

I looked from Aunt Gwen to Uncle Brian hoping to find a clue who Briana was. It seemed Uncle Brian looked a little angry at the mention of Briana, but otherwise I couldn't find anything in either of their expressions to give a clue.

"Alex, you probably don't remember Briana since from everything you've told us about what you do remember from before your family moved isn't much," Aunt Gwen said.

"Briana, wasn't Briana until after they moved out," Uncle Brian said refusing to use female pronouns.

"I take it Briana is a sore spot for you Uncle Brian. I don't understand why though," I said.

"Briana is about your age, and we got into a big fight just before Briana moved out," Uncle Brian said.

I tried to think back to before the family moved and could only remember Uncle Brian and Aunt Gwen having one child about mine and Kathy's age. I remembered him being the only other kid in the neighborhood our age and he loved playing house with us, but always as the daddy. We offered to let him be a mommy and he would always say no, only girls could be mommies.

"Briana is Junior? She finally figured out who she is and since she shared your name you weren't happy when she tried telling you who she really is?" I asked Uncle Brian.

"Is there anything you don't know, Alex?" Uncle Brian asked.

"I kind of remember Junior being the only other kid in the neighborhood the same age as Kathy and I. Your refusal to use female pronouns with her tells me you still can't accept her for who she says she is. Uncle Brian her being herself has nothing to do with you, but has everything to do with her. I'm sorry she couldn't be the son you wanted, but she really didn't have a lot of choice. Sure she could have continued putting on a front letting the world believe whatever it wanted, but if she had she might not be alive today," I said.

"Alex accepting you was easy, because you never tried to be anything but a girl, but Briana out of the blue one day told us we didn't know them and couldn't lie any longer because it hurt too much," Uncle Brian said.

"It sounds to me like she tried to be everything you wanted, but knew she couldn't carry on the deception any longer if she hoped to survive. Uncle Brian I'm sure she still loves you, and would love having a relationship with you. You accepted me even though everything everyone knew about me said I wasn't a girl, maybe it's time you show that kind of love to your own children," I said.

Uncle Brian gave me a hurt look. He knew his own children needed his love and support, but could he give the kind of love they needed, the kind of love he'd given me?

I walked out back to Kelli's training area and started stretching wanting to loosen up the muscles that tightened at the thought of my uncle who so easily gave me support withholding that support from his own children. To me a person was who they claimed to be, until proven differently. Kelli was now Kelli. And while I did have memories of Briana I didn't think it would be possible for me to see her in any way other than who she presented herself to be.

I heard a car out front and continued my stretching not thinking about anything other than the muscles that needed to be loosened. I heard the door of the house open and close and continued my stretching.

"You don't look like the little girl I remember, but then again I doubt you remember me either," I heard someone say.

"I'm guessing your Briana," I said not taking my mind off the stretching exercises.

I looked up and there stood a perfect female copy of Uncle Brian.

"You look a lot like your dad, only more feminine," I said.

"Thank you Alex, is it?" Briana asked.

"You probably remember me as Karen," I said.

"You have a sister named Andrea? I thought that was the name of one of the girls out front," Briana said.

"Kathy hasn't gone by the name Andrea almost as long as I haven't used the name Karen. Briana my legal name now is Alexandra Kate. As for the Andrea out front, she is my oldest daughter," I said.

"You are full of surprises. What were those exercises you were doing?" Briana asked.

"Mostly just stretching exercises. I learned them when I learned martial arts. If I feel muscles getting tight I'll try working them out like that so I don't end up sore," I said.

"They didn't teach things like that at the school I went to," Briana said.

"Most of those I took martial arts with didn't learn them either. A master was called in to complete my training, and he taught me those exercises," I said.

"I guess you've gone well beyond what I have then," Briana said.

"She has, my sensei said he was a black belt when Alex started and within five years she was so far ahead of him he might as well still been a white belt," Kelli said.

I gave Kelli a dirty look but didn't say anything.

"It's good to see you again sis," Kelli said.

"I guess you like being a girl more than a boy?" Briana asked.

"I don't know, I don't think I've ever really been a boy," Kelli said.

"So are you the reason dad didn't tell me to leave as soon as I walked in the house?" Briana asked.

"I doubt it. Its more likely Alex is the reason. I think dad's afraid of her, but almost anyone who knows her is afraid of her, either because of her knowledge of martial arts, or because they don't want to hurt her," Kelli said.

"I've only ever given a few people reason to fear me, and almost never tell anyone I know martial arts unless they try forcing me to do something I don't want," I said.

"Yea, I guess. From what I heard you did tell cousin Eddie before putting him in the hospital," Kelli said.

"Eddie's lucky he isn't dead for what he did, and if he would have listened he wouldn't have gotten hurt to start with," I said.

"You mean Aunt Geri and Uncle Pete's Eddie. The son-of-a-bitch that use to say all those horrid things about Uncle David?" Briana asked.

"He thought he could force me to dance when all I wanted was to be left alone. I warned him I held two black belts and he just laughed. I'm sure by now he's heard what happened to my brother David and knows just how lucky he is to still be alive," I said.

"You killed David?" Briana asked.

## Chapter 65

It was like starting all over again telling Briana what happened after dad moved us away. When I got to where David had used the corrupted justice system back home to send me to prison, Briana was shaking with tears running down her cheeks. Even Kelli hadn't heard most of what I was telling Briana and had tears running down her cheeks as well.

"Alex I'm so sorry, I had no idea and don't really understand why you would so willingly share something you must want only to forget," Briana said.

"I'll never forget what those people did, and it wasn't just Jesse and me they hurt in our family. Those people are the ones who encouraged David to become what he did. Before we moved there David was a wonderful big brother. He would defend me against anyone who wanted to make fun of me. I remember he even stood up to Aunt Geri more than once. He didn't ask to become a monster, but those people did all they could to insure he did. The day he died he kidnapped Niki and a dear friends little sister and tied them to beds in my house. He had three friends with him and his three friends are now in prison and hopefully will remain there for the rest of their lives. David managed to get one of the police officers gun when they tried handcuffing him and got off one shot in my direction. I didn't think I just acted, and let one of the throwing stars I had fly hitting him in the neck cutting his artery and windpipe, he drowned in his own blood," I said.

"He tried to kill you?" Briana asked.

"No one but David and I moved from the time he got the officers gun. His first shot was wild, but pointed at me, if I hadn't moved when I did he might have gotten off another shot, and everyone in that room knew it was me he was shooting at," I said.

Heather walked in followed by someone that looked almost identical to Allen.

"Hey babe, were you able to get everything done?" Heather asked before noticing the tears in everyones eyes.

"Heather I'd like you to meet the cousin I was closest too before moving. Briana this is my wife Heather Menes-DeMay," I said.

"It's a pleaser Briana. I found this guy standing around outside. I thought he was Allen at first, he said he's with you Briana," Heather said.

"I hope he's with me, his name is Aaron Jessup, and he's supposed to be my fiancée," Briana said.

Uncle Brian looked at the man Briana introduced as Aaron, and Heather and I both started laughing.

"Is there something funny about my name?" Aaron asked.

"Not really Aaron. It's more we both know your brother than anything, though I'm not sure either of us wanted to believe it until we heard your last name," I said.

"You both know my brother? Which brother I have two?" Aaron asked.

"The one named Allen," Heather said before I could.

"You both know Allen? Allen is my big brother a couple years older than me. He said if I wanted to start as a para-legal he could give me a job making enough for Briana and me to get married," Aaron said.

"Really? Allen said that? I was thinking of sending him those dam para-legals we have in the office back home I find it so hard to work with," I said smiling and winking.

"From what Allen said the only person who could override him on being able to hire me was Alex DeMay," Aaron said and everyone but Aaron and I started laughing.

"Ok what did I say so funny?" Aaron asked.

"Baby do you know my cousins name?" Briana asked.

He looked at her questioningly.

"Aaron my name is Alexandra Kate DeMay esquire. My name is the first name on the door of DeMay, Jessup and Cordell," I said.

Aaron got a really hurt look as he realized who he was talking to.

"Don't worry Aaron, if Allen thinks you'll be able to handle the job I have no doubt you can, and since I'm hoping he'll stay here and run our offices here he will be in charge of staffing them," I said.

Aaron got a smile like a little kids walking in to see a room full of presents on Christmas morning.

"You know you can be mean sometimes, but you always find a way of making people smile," Heather whispered in my ear.

I smiled at her and gave her a one armed hug.

Uncle Brian seemed uncomfortable with both his children dressing and acting like women, but I could see he was trying.

"Uncle Brian I know this isn't easy for you, but I also know love is rarely ever easy. I know you love both Briana and Kelli, and want what's best for them, and it seems that isn't what either of them are going to have, but I can assure you the best thing for everyone is for them to be the people they know they are. I have no doubt if Kelli had felt she could be honest about who she is she never would have gotten in the trouble she did," I said

"She saw how I reacted to Briana when she said who she is. I guess Kelli figured any love I have is conditional. Alex from the time you were still in diapers you showed yourself to be female, neither of my kids ever did until Briana was old enough to get out on her own and today for Kelli," Uncle Brian said.

"That isn't true, but unless you knew what to look for I can see how it would appear to be true. Uncle Brian when we were little Briana loved playing house with Kathy, Jesse and I more than playing ball or whatever kind of games David and his friends played. If memory serves she always played the dad when we played house, but it was because she loved you and didn't think anyone should grow up without a dad as well as a mom," I said.

"You mean she played the dad because of me, because she thought that was what I wanted?" Uncle Brian asked.

"She played the dad because she thought every child should have a dad that loved and accepted people for who they are," I said.

Uncle Brian looked concerned since he hadn't seen himself in that kind of light before.

I stepped away and Briana came over to me to ask what I told her father.

"Briana, maybe you should talk to your father instead of me about this. I know he still loves you, but you caught him off guard with your transition and how you went about it. I think maybe Kathy, Jesse and I knew you were a girl back when we were little, but you always played the dad when we would play house, and from what I know about after my family moved you never gave anyone the idea you might not be the boy they saw you as," I said.

"I guess I didn't do a very good job sharing how I felt inside, but if I had I wouldn't have been allowed to do a lot of things I got to do. Alex, I don't regret the things I did growing up, but I do regret the fight dad and I have had since I was eighteen," Briana said.

"Briana you need to tell him. I suggest both of you listening to what the other has to say. I mean really listen, try seeing it from each others side as much as possible. I know you both love each other and I know neither of you like what the last few years have done to your relationship, but only you and your dad can fix things," I said.

Briana and Uncle Brian went off to a side so they could talk in private.

Kelli set up her targets for her stars and I sat back watching as she started throwing them one after another hitting the target often though few stuck. I drifted back to when I first started training with stars and how bad I had been. The first time I was able to get one to stick in the target seemed a lifetime ago.

I started fingering my stars and Heather sat down next to me wrapping her arm around my shoulders.

"You might want to let her do this on her own," Heather said.

I looked at her and realized what I was doing.

"I was remembering when I first started and how bad I was. She's actually very good in comparison," I said.

"It's been a long time since you learned to control so many things that were out of control in your life. Sometimes I wonder if you have really learned to control things or learned to work around your lack of control," Heather said.

"I'm not sure I can control anything. It seems my memories control things more than I do and it scares the hell out of me," I said.

"Because you aren't sure your memories are right? Do you remember the kind of work I was doing when we first met?" Heather asked.

"You were an escort and Allen and Brent were the ones you reported to," I said.

"Actually Allen and Brent reported to me. I got in a little trouble a couple times and they said they could help. Alex I closed down the escort service I had because I knew you didn't approve. Allen and Brent didn't need the money anymore than I did. We were all there on full scholarships and our families had the money even if we wouldn't have been," Heather said.

"So how much of what I've been through did you know before that day in court?" I asked.

"Not much really. I knew you had been sexually abused, but I didn't know it was as bad as what came out in court showed, and now I know even that wasn't more than a scratch of the extent. I fell in love with you the day we met. You knew that day the kind of work I was doing, and while it was plain you didn't approve you still accepted me, you didn't judge me," Heather said.

"How could I judge you for something I had been forced to do since I was eight years old? Heather the difference between what you did and what I did was personal choice. For me I didn't have a choice if I wanted to protect my sisters. For you as far as I knew you were doing it to pay for school. I couldn't do that. I couldn't do the kinds of things I had been forced to do for so many years," I said.

"It was just that simple for you? I wanted to judge you but couldn't. I wanted so many time to tell you you didn't know, but found out soon after you moved in you did know. At first I thought, you thought you were better than the rest of us. I found out you were, but not for the reason I believed. Alex it was me who didn't understand, it was me who was less than. You taught me so much back then, about so many different things, but mostly about myself. It was because of you I graduated when I did at the top of my class. It was because of you Allen and Brent graduated in your class right behind you. It was because you showed us love we learned to love, and the person we loved the most was you," Heather said.

I felt the stars in my pocket and knew if I didn't take them out and set them aside somewhere I might do something dangerous. To me it was Heather, Allen and Brent who taught me to love. The three of them accepted me almost from the first day I got to school. Sure I knew the kind of work Heather was doing, but she did seem to enjoy it, and as long as she didn't hurt anyone else I didn't have a problem with it. I wasn't as sure about Allen and Brent though, since it seemed they were the ones in charge.

I stood up and walked over to my girls handing each of them a stack of my stars, and asked them to see how well they could do with them at the target. Then went and sat by Heather again. I didn't want my girls to have my stars, but until they had their own I didn't see any reason they couldn't use them as long as they took care of them and treated them with the proper respect.

"What was that all about?" Heather asked.

"It's about them learning to use them, and until we can get them their own, as long as they take care of mine I don't see why they shouldn't use them," I said.

I watched as the girls started trying different ways of holding them to find what was most comfortable for them. Lindsey threw one at the target first hitting just off the center and burying the star deeper than I had ever done. Andrea sent one of them she had flying and stacked it right on top of the one Lindsey had thrown, burying it in the target about the same dept as Lindsey had done. Kelli stood there when Lindsey had thrown and when Andrea stacked hers on top gasped.

"How long have you guys been throwing stars?" Kelli asked.

"Never, mom still hasn't gotten us our own stars yet, but we both watched mom throw them since she became mom," Andrea said.

Lindsey let another star fly and stacked it on top of Andrea's though just a little off so it looked more like a stair.

"I guess it's time they have their own," Heather said.

I looked down and took out two of the stars I still had and let them fly in quick succession putting one on top and the other under the girls stars matching each star to either the star over or the star under. I felt everyone looking at me and felt the first tear start down my cheek.

Uncle Brian had rejected his oldest child because she couldn't be who he wanted her to be. The look he gave when he saw Kelli was the same as the looks I had gotten from David when he started making fun of me because I insisted I was a girl.

I looked over where Uncle Brian and Briana were still standing and saw Briana with her arm around Uncle Brian's waist and Uncle Brian's arm around Briana's shoulders. Whatever the problem between them had been, it appeared to be something they would now be able to work out. I leaned over placing my head on Heather's shoulder and closed my eyes.

I didn't remember falling asleep, and thought I had only closed my eyes for a moment, but when I opened them again I was laying on a bed inside the house.

"Hello sleepy," Heather said.

"I don't understand, where are we?" I asked.

"At your uncles. You fell asleep on my shoulder and your uncle and Aaron carried you in here," Heather said.

"How long was I out?" I asked.

"The better part of three hours. Alex I haven't left you since they brought you in here. You seemed so peaceful none of us had the heart to try waking you," Heather said.

I sat up and fell back before making it to a seated position and closed my eyes again. I heard something and opened my eyes to see Heather still sitting next to the bed.

"How long this time?" I asked.

"I'm worried about you. Alex you've been asleep almost eight hours since the last time you tried sitting up," Heather said.

"Are we still at my uncles?" I asked.

"No, this time we're in the hospital. You started bleeding internally. From what the doctor said it looks like the wound from when you were stabbed didn't heal properly," Heather said.

I didn't try sitting up, I knew I wasn't strong enough without help. Heather looked like she hadn't slept in days and I felt like I hadn't either. I patted the bed and Heather sat on it so I could reach her. I tried taking her hand to pull her down next to me and felt a sharp pain cut through my middle causing me to black out again.

I woke up to find Heather laying next to me and wondered if the whole thing was a dream. I moved my arm over Heather and felt the pain again, but this time not nearly as bad.

Heathers eyes popped open and I saw her smile.

"I love you beautiful," Heather said.

"What did the doctors say?" I asked.

"They don't know anything," Heather said.

"They told you about some of the other problems I have didn't they?" I asked.

"They said they don't understand how you can't be in constant pain from the abuse you've suffered," Heather said.

"I want to know everything they told you," I said.

"They said if you survive another five years they'd be surprised. Alex they told me about all the scaring in your large intestine," Heather said.

"Is that all?" I asked.

"Isn't that enough? You've known for years you might not live much longer. You should have told me all this Alex," Heather said.

"They told me if I live another five years they'd be surprised eight years ago, and I'm still here. Heather none of us are guaranteed tomorrow so all we can do is live each day as they come. If tomorrow doesn't come at least we had today," I said.

"Alex I'm scared. I'm terrified of losing you," Heather cried.

"You'll never lose me unless you forget me. Heather I loved you from the first day I saw you, and I'll love you until time ceases to exist. You are my world. You are my hope. I know should anything happen so I can't be here you'll go on, because I love you," I said.

I held her tight fighting the pain to remain conscious.

In the past the pain was all there was to hold onto, the pain and the knowledge that as long as I lived my sisters would be safe. Now my sisters were safe and no longer needed me to remain safe. Jesse was healing and becoming the beautiful woman she was destined to be, before the abuse started. My kids were safe and had a mother they could look to for guidance, a woman who loved them as much as she did me.

I knew if I let go it would hurt, but how could I hold on longer when I knew everything was changing for the better.

I closed my eyes and was again gone into blissful sleep. I opened my eyes to see Heather sitting next to me with all four of our kids standing behind her. I looked around and saw Kathy and Jennifer with their arms around each other and turned and saw Jesse and Terry holding each other and standing next to them was Nancy and Jeremy holding each other as though if they let go the world might end.

I turned back to Heather and the kids and smiled letting them know I was still here, and maybe one day I'd be healthy enough to again come home.

"I love you all so much!" I said, and closed my eyes again.

I was in and out of consciousness for the next three days. The forth day I was anxious to get out of the hospital and started making life miserable for anyone who didn't want to agree with me about not needing to be there any longer.

"Alex two more days and they said you can get out. Please try being a little nicer to the staff, I'm sure by now they all know you want out," Heather said.

"Laying here isn't getting anything done, and there is still so much I need to take care of before going back home. Did Aunt Geri say anything about the building we looked at? Has anyone gotten an inspection set up to see if it's worth fixing, or would be cheaper to tear it down and start over? Has Allen or Brent said anything about staying here to run the offices here" I asked.

"Allen, Brent and I talked about it and we want you to retire for your health. Alex none of us want to lose you and we were all terrified we had," Heather said.

"So you've all decided to fire me from my own law firm?" I asked.

"Alex that isn't what I said," Heather said.

"I didn't say that was what you said, but it is what it sounds like your saying," I said.

"We just think maybe you should start taking it easier. We're hoping maybe it will give you more time," Heather said.

"I'm sorry for how what I said sounded, but I've had to fight for so long I don't think stopping will do anything but speed up whatever time I might have left. I've already out lived what the doctors said I had once and did so because I knew there were people who needed me. If no one needs me what do I have to live for?" I asked.

"I need you. Those beautiful girls of ours need you. Alex I know everyone of your sisters would say they still need you," Heather said.

"Need me? Why? I know you and the children love me, even my sisters love me, but loving someone isn't the same as needing them. My sisters needed me to protect them from monsters that were real, monsters that did everything they could to destroy me and came very close to doing just that twice, but they don't need me for that anymore. Those girls needed me when their parents died, but now they have you. I don't know if you ever really needed me, but I knew you loved me from almost the day we first met. The only place I know I'm still needed is in defending people who otherwise won't have a proper defense. Heather if you take that away from me what reason do I have left?" I asked.

"And what about your needs Alex? For once what about you? You've gone without for so long because you felt the need to help and protect, you..." Heather stopped not knowing the words or how to say them.

I knew what Heather was talking about. Until now my whole life had been about giving to others without concern to myself. Did I have needs that hadn't been met? I didn't know. I knew there were still a few things that required my attention to take care of, but without the law practice didn't see much else to keep me going.

"I'll consider retiring if you'll at least promise to keep me in the loop about the kinds of cases you all are taking and let me help if your having trouble. I want to keep my office since I still have some personal things to take care of that will be much easier if I'm in town than out at the ranch," I said.

Heather didn't seem to like the idea, but gave in since she knew she would never get me to agree to retiring otherwise.

It was another week before I was able to think about going home. Uncle Brian offered to let me stay at their home until I was able to again travel. Aunt Geri seemed interested in learning as much as she could about the transgender community and the LGBTIQ community over all.

The building Heather and I looked at needed to be re-wired but otherwise was in excellent condition. It took a week to have the paperwork ready to sign for the sale of the property since the owners started trying to get more than the agreed price when they found out I was paying cash rather than financing the purchase. I was sure even Aunt Geri was surprised when I didn't look for any financing after agreeing to the price.

"Alex are you sure you won't need any financing?" Uncle Pete asked.

"Uncle Pete this will be the last major purchase I'll be making. I have more than enough to cover this purchase and still get all the repairs the building needs done, along with setting it up with everything it will need for you and Allen to get started right away," I said.

"And what will it do to your family finances?" Uncle Pete asked.

"Not much of anything. Uncle Pete, my ranch grosses about a million dollars a month and has monthly expenses of about three quarters of a million. If we can't live on a quarter million a month there is something majorly wrong," I said.

I talked to both Aunt Gwen and Aunt Geri about running a Pride Center like the one we had back home and they both seemed to be excited about the idea. I filled the papers to get the national accreditation, and took Allen, Uncle Pete and both my aunts shopping for office furniture making sure they had the offices setup how they felt most comfortable.

Allen and Uncle Pete insisted on setting up an office for me even though they didn't expect me to ever use it.

"Alex, I know your retiring, and will likely never use this office, but your the one with the dream," Allen said.

"Allen as the full partner in this office you should have the largest office. If you insist on setting one up for me make it one of the smallest, please," I said.

He shook his head, but never agreed and I knew nothing I said would change anything and the largest office in the building would be setup as a memorial to me. I hated the idea, but knew I couldn't stop it.

When the office furniture was delivered and setup I knew it was time for me to go back home.

I wasn't sure how much time I had left and hoped it would be enough. There was still so much to do. I needed to change all the bank accounts into Heather's name as well as getting her named as the mother of the children. I still needed to write my will and get it filed with the courts so there was no doubt of my wants about the future. And there was still the writing of everything I went through so others would know and be able to stop something like it from ever happening again.

The day after I got home I insisted on going into the office and asked Kathy to join me so I could go over what I wanted with regard to the bank accounts. She said she could handle getting Heather's name added to any that as yet didn't show her. And frowned when I said I wanted one account to be divided in half with half going to the Pride Center here at home and the other going to the Pride Center in our birth home.

"I listed you as the CEO of both Pride Centers," I said.

"Alex from the sound of what your doing its like you aren't going to be here much longer," Kathy said.

"I'm still here and I promise I'll be here as long as I can, but none of us are promised tomorrow," I said.

I saw the tears start to flood her eyes since she knew what the doctors had said when I was back in the hospital the last time. I wanted to give her as much comfort as I could, but I knew nothing would make this any easier for any of those I loved so much.

After Kathy left my office I started writing out my will making sure it was on the proper form so I wouldn't need to do more than go in and correct whatever mistake there might be. I stated each of my sisters were to receive a trust out of the few accounts I had Kathy didn't know about. I then stated that two accounts were to go to the law firm to help insure it would always have the money to help even those who couldn't afford it. Everything else was to go either to Heather or the kids.

I read it over and hit save and then print. Once it was printed I asked Niki to come in my office.

"You wanted to see me?" Niki asked closing the door behind her.

"I need you to file this with the courts," I said holding out the will I had just printed. "Niki you're to file it, but I'm asking you not to read it. It's a last will and testament, and I have no doubt all those included in it will find out what it says before long."

Niki took the envelop and turned for the door.

"How long Alex?" Niki asked.

"How long what?" I asked.

"How long before we'll know what this says?" Niki asked.

"Niki, please don't make this any harder than it has to be. Can you handle this or do I need to find someone else?" I asked.

"Is this your way of saying goodbye? Because that's what it feels like your doing," Niki said.

I didn't say anything as she turned back to the door closing it gently behind her.

## Chapter 66

One last thing to finish before I can finally rest.

Heather, my ever so beautiful wife. I know this is not easy for you knowing that I'm gone. I wish I could have stayed longer, but we both knew this was coming.

I hope you know I love you with everything I am, and will always be with you as long as you remember me. I wanted to stay longer, but I just didn't see how, everything that kept me from leaving years ago is taken care of now and I know what is left is something you and the others in my life can handle without me now.

I wish I knew how to be stronger to keep you all from feeling the pain I know you all feel, but even I feel the pain in a way I never knew before. The pain of living has become so great and yet I hope I was able to show only the love I have. I hope I didn't make you worry or linger making caring for me something difficult.

I have no doubt you loved me right up to the time of my passing and no doubt love me just as much now as you did the day we said I do. Please be strong for the kids and let my sisters help when you feel you can't be. I know this is as hard for them as for you, but they each have strengths they don't know, and can be a great help.

Attached is a file that I hope you will wait to read until the pain of my passing isn't such a heavy burden. It is password protected and I hope in such a way only you can figure it out. Remember our fist day together and you should understand. Also you are the password for my master password file that will give you access to everything but the file enclosed here. Since I am gone now I don't mind if you share everything even the enclosed file with others, but do ask you use discretion in sharing.

I've transferred all my bank accounts with a few exception into your name, so you'll be able to live in the comfort I hope I've been able to provide you with since we made our joining official. The other accounts are mentioned in my will and I hope everyone will honor that will and accept I did know what I was doing when writing it.

Never have I felt so weak as I do now, yet I'm hoping there will be enough time, since no one else can tell what it is I need to tell. Even those there at the time don't know the full extent of what was said and done.

I remember all those nights back in college you held me so I could get some much needed sleep, and how few nights I was able to sleep after you graduated leaving me alone. Most of the nights I was able to sleep I cried myself to sleep wishing you were there and glad you weren't at the same time. I was so happy for you the day you left to take that job with the Justice Department. I knew you would become one of their best attorneys if they allowed you to do what only you could. I remember the day you walked back into my life in that courthouse and how happy I was to see you, but how I treated you like a stranger.

How many times since I have wished to have that day over so I could tell you the vows we made so long ago meant just as much as the day we made them, but at the time my memory was shaky at best. I knew my heart belonged to someone special, but forgot who, and just how special.

My love there has never been anyone else that has ever held my heart though there have been others who tried, even others, who had circumstances been different, been able to hold my heart. I don't regret even one minute of sharing with you all I am, and hope you have no regrets of sharing your life with me.

The only part of my life I haven't shared with my passing will be shared and in greater detail than I might like, but I haven't been able to go over and read what is written. I ask your forgiveness since much of what is written is in the hand of a child in so much pain the writing is shaky at best so will likely be difficult to read.

I feel I need to ask you again to please wait until the pain of my leaving is not such a burden before reading the attached file. Since I won't be here it is up to you to decide when that time will be, but I can't imagine it being within the first year, so ask you wait at least that long.  
My love forever Alex, your wild rose!

I knew the time was short and knew I couldn't leave the letter were anyone might find it until I was gone. I didn't fear Heather reading the letter early, but did know if she knew about the letter she would ask questions about it and I couldn't answer her questions.

We both knew we didn't have much time left and wanted to share all the things we hadn't because of school and business in the fifteen years from the time we first said I do until we again both remembered the love we shared.

I saved everything to a memory card and placed it in an envelope and went to see Brent.

"I heard you had come in today," Brent said looking up from his computer.

"I need to ask you a favor. Brent I know Heather has told you the doctors haven't given me much longer, but I doubt she told you why, since I'm not sure she even knows why. I need you to hold this envelop for me and not let anyone know you have it, and please don't try finding out since only one person will be able to figure out how, and you aren't that person," I said.

"I take it this is for Heather after you're gone then?" Brent asked.

I held out the envelop and waited for him to take it.

"How long if I might ask?" Brent asked.

"The doctors told her maybe five years," I said.

"And they told you?" he asked.

"The last time a doctor told me a time frame I should have died three years ago. Brent if I'm still here in a month I'd be surprised. But since I've managed to beat the odds so far I have no idea," I said.

I saw him look away and wipe at a tear he didn't want me to see.

"I'll see Heather gets this after the service then," Brent said.

"There won't be a service. I don't want anything more than a memorial where those who care can come and say their farewells. Also Niki has some papers I asked her to file with the courts. Those papers make you and Allen my executor. Brent I hope you understand what that means and will honor my wishes. There shouldn't be any contention of the will, but I guess it is possible. Please do all you can to insure it isn't contested," I said.

I saw Heather standing behind me and gave Brent a thank you for being such a good friend for so long.

"I'm ready whenever you are," I said turning to face Heather and the door.

"Making sure everything will run alright without you here?" Heather asked.

I put my arm around her and felt the floor tilt.

"I..." I tried holding myself up and knew I couldn't. Any words I wanted to say were gone as the room started spinning.

"Brent call the paramedics and you might want to call Allen and let him know to see about getting all of her family here as soon as possible especially her sister," Heather said.

I knew what was going on around me but words were impossible. I felt locked in a world I couldn't control a world where others had to do everything for me. I tried to turn my head to look around and found all I could do was move my eyes and even that seemed difficult.

I knew what happened I knew it was going to happen. I hoped Jesse would be able to make it home before I was gone but didn't know if there would be enough time. I felt the tear rolling into my hair and knew it wouldn't be the last.

I felt the paramedics putting me on the gurney to take me back to the hospital and wanted to scream I wanted to go home instead. There wasn't anything the doctors could do. And knew they would try telling everyone all that could be done now was to make me comfortable.

If they wanted to make me comfortable they should let me go home where I could have those I love around me. I knew I wasn't going to recover this time. It was like as soon as I had covered the last thing standing in the way of my friends and family being taken care of to the best of my ability was all that held me together.

I looked around the room for Heather and she wasn't there. I felt the tears wanting to know why when I spotted Kathy.

"Heather..." I tried to ask why Heather wasn't there.

"They won't let her in. Alex your marriage isn't recognized here so they won't let her in saying she isn't family," Kathy said.

I felt the tubes in my arms and heard the monitors beeping away and reached out for strength I didn't know if I could find. These people where going to learn that denying someone the person they most needed wasn't a good idea if I could manage to find just enough strength to move something other than my eyes.

I saw the IV stand start to tip and felt so tired. I couldn't give in, not now, not when the abuse was starting all over again and this time by people who claimed to have compassion.

A nurse walked in just as the IV stand fell and ran back out afraid I was having some kind of seizure. The nurse and a doctor were back in moments hovering over me trying to discover what kind of seizure I'd just had. The doctor grabbed my arm and I twisted making sure I had a grip on his arm. "Either you'll let my wife in here or I'll make a bigger mess of this room than tipping over an IV stand," I croaked out the best I could.

The doctor looked at me and turned white. I knew I had the same void look in my eyes I'd had every time I'd killed someone trying to kill me or someone in my family.

He tried pulling away and I tightened my grip twisting even harder.

"That's not negotiable doctor. I know you've told my sister all you can do now is try to make me comfortable, but if the people who mean the most to me aren't allowed to be with me now, I do intend to make you and the remainder of the staff here pay a very hard price," I said.

"Miss DeMay I'm sorry but there's nothing I can do," the doctor said.

"There's plenty you can do," I said. "For starters there's nothing you or anyone else can do to help me, so let me go home where I can be with my family. Doctor that isn't exactly a request."

The doctor still looking in my eyes started shaking. He finally understood I knew what was happening to me and that there wasn't anything they could do. My whole body was shutting down and he wasn't sure it would happen in time to save him if he didn't go along.

I released his arm and sat up in the bed, making sure he saw just how strong I could be if I needed.

"Nurse see that Ms DeMay's release to go home is in order. There isn't anything we can do here and at least at home she'll have her loved ones around her," the doctor said.

"But doctor..." the nurse started and was cut off by the doctor.

Twenty minutes later I was sitting in the car next to Heather on our way home.

"I heard you threatened the doctor if they either didn't let you out or let me in to see you," Heather said.

"I did what I had to so I could spend whatever time I have with those I love," I replied.

"How long Alex? I know you have an idea, so please tell me," Heather said.

"Long enough to make sure everything is set. Heather I really didn't think I'd ever get out of that hospital. Promise me you won't ever put me back in the hospital," I begged.

"I promise Alex. I'll never let someone keep me away from you again. I'm still scared of losing you, but I'll be here with you for however long we have left," Heather said.

We pulled into the ranch and were met by the kids before we were even parked.

Andrea and Lindsey had my door open as soon as Heather turned off the car and I sat there looking at them as though to ask what it was they wanted.

"Mom when Aunt Kathy said you were coming home we hoped maybe it was because you're better," Lindsey said.

"I wish it were because I'm better, but that isn't the case. I'm sorry girls but I don't think I'll ever be better," I said.

"Is it because of something we did?" Andrea asked.

"No hunny it isn't because of anything you did. I wish I could tell you what's wrong and why, but even if I did I don't think you would understand. Mom Heather knows why but not how, as does Aunt Kathy. I'm afraid I'm home simply because there is nothing the doctors can do and I wanted to be close to those who mean the most to me, those I love so much I don't want to leave," I said.

I saw Lindsey and Andrea both look away when I said leave, they both knew exactly what I meant and it was plain they didn't want me to go anymore than Heather did. Heather came around the car pushing a wheelchair and Lindsey and Andrea both helped me into it so we could go inside.

"Girls I would like to go over to the corral and see Rose before going inside," I said.

They turned the chair and headed over to the barn and inside. Standing next to the training room was Rose looking ready to go.

Rose looked a little nervous as we approached and I asked the girls to slow down so Rose didn't get spooked by the chair. The girls stopped pushing and Lindsey walked over to Rose reaching out to her to scratch her forehead. The calming words she said didn't make much sense, but did have the affect of calming Rose enough to take her halter and guide her over to me sitting in the chair. When they were closer Rose leaned forward unsure of coming any closer and took another step placing her head in my lap.

"I miss you too girl," I said scratching her forehead.

Rose looked ready to cry as the meaning of the chair became clear to her. She wanted to comfort me and at the same time knew nothing she could do would ever heal me enough we could ever go out running again.

I sat there talking to Rose not paying any attention to anyone else in the area and what they might hear as I told Rose this was likely the last time we would ever see each other. When Rose lifted her head letting me know she understood I looked around and saw both Lindsey and Andrea with tears running down their cheeks as I realized what I'd told Rose and they were both close enough to have easily over heard.

"I won't hide the truth from you. The chances of me ever coming out of the house again aren't good. If we make it to the end of the week I'd be surprised," I said.

"Mom thank you for everything," Andrea said.

"This time is different than the day we met. That day I knew there was still a chance. Mom, I don't want you to go, but I know this time it isn't something you want either, not like that day," Lindsey said.

"Promise me you'll be as nice to Heather as you have been to me. Promise to help however you can. I'm so proud of both of you, and maybe one day you'll understand why it has to be this way. I've done everything I can to give you wonderful memories to help you stay balanced, but I hope even more I've been able to give you love in such a way you'll be able to share balance with everyone you meet," I said.

"You taught me to forgive. I don't think I could have ever forgiven those people if you hadn't shown me how," Andrea said.

"Live your lives in love always. What those people preached held a great deal of truth. It said love was the single most important thing in life. That is true, but always be careful because love that is corrupted is hate. Always be willing to accept someones differences, never set standards for someone else. Let them always tell you who they are and accept them for who they tell you they are," I said and started sagging in the chair. I was tired, but I wanted these girls to understand how important it was they allow others to define themselves.

The girls turned me toward the house and I just sat there wishing this whole ordeal was over. It was almost time I could rest and not have the worries of this world try overwhelming me any longer.

Jesse was due in the next day and I really did want to see her again, but I wasn't sure I could hold on that much longer. Each breath was a struggle each thought becoming more disconnected from the thought before it.

## Chapter 67

Sitting in that little five by seven cell having taken apart the razor I had and waiting for the last round of the guards after lights out. It was so easy, I felt release as the razor blade sank into my arm and the blood started to flow. What would I have missed had the guard not made that last round he wasn't supposed to have made? I never would have met my girls who were all so special. I felt the tears running but couldn't move to wipe them away.

The day David kidnapped Niki and tied her to a bed in the house. I didn't once think about I might not survive. David fighting with the police officer taking his gun and pointing it at me. It would have been so easy to let him get another shot off, one he would have aimed more than just pointed. To feel that star leave my hand and know its target was one I determined before it left my hand. To see the look of fear in everyones eyes when they had seen I wasn't showing any lose over having just killed my own brother. The feel of freedom as the star sank into my arm and made its journey leaving a cut from my wrist to my elbow.

Everything about what I did made sense. If I was dead I wasn't dangerous to anyone any longer, so no one needed to fear me. Then to wake up in that hospital bed, but what if I hadn't woken? What about Heather? She might never have known the love we've shared since. The girls wouldn't have a mother to help them if I'd died that day.

No, I didn't want to die, not now when everything seemed to be getting better after so many years of fear and hate. I wanted to live, but it wasn't something anyone could control now. The damage done over the time I hadn't been able to fight with a chance of winning was to great, and there was nothing left for me to fight for.

Andrea pushed me in the house and I knew either tonight or tomorrow night would be my last in this life. I loved the people in this house so much, but that love wasn't enough to stop what was happening to my body, what had been happening for more years than I cared to remember.

I was still young in years, young enough I could have still had a couple children if it weren't for the physical problems caused by ten years of physical, mental and sexual abuse. I felt another tear sliding down my cheek and couldn't find the strength to wipe it away.

"I know your ready Alex, but I'm not. I feel so inadequate, and scared to face the future alone," Heather said.

Another tear slipped out and burned its track down my cheek. I wanted to tell Heather she was more than strong enough, but trying to say anything at the moment was beyond me. If only I could tell her how much I loved her and would always love her. I reached for the words only to have them slip away. She needed to know and I wasn't able to share. Another tear started down my cheek and Heather reached in and wiped it away. I looked at her and felt another tear followed by more and knew I no longer needed words to let her know how I felt.

I sat there in that chair with the love of my life sitting with me wiping away the only words I had left. Did I want to let my oldest sister see me this way. So much still to do and nothing I could do about it now.

Heather pushed me over by the couch and lifted me onto the cushions. I knew I would never again lay in bed with this beautiful angel. This day would be my last. Angela and Marie both climbed in my lap and gave me a hug, both knowing somehow I needed to know they loved me, and knew this would be their last chance of telling me.

I closed my eyes and felt the freedom of sweet sleep. I didn't want to go, but couldn't stay. I loved the people in this house so much but while love is a powerful force in this it held no power to prevent what had to be.

I opened my eyes just in time to see the tears streaming down Heather's face as she knew I would soon be gone where the pain of life could no longer reach me.

"Andrea can you call Aunt Kathy and let her know..." Heather chocked unable to finish.

The end was here nothing anyone could say, or do, would stop it and everyone knew it. Alex lay on the couch her breathing becoming shallower with each breath. Just the thought of her opening her eyes again beyond her ability.

"Mom, Aunt Kathy wants to talk to you, and if possible to mom Alex," Andrea said handing Heather the phone.

"Kathy she's almost gone. I don't even think she can open her eyes now. Please Kathy hurry," Heather said into the phone dropping it when Alex took a ragged breath she feared might be her last.

The tears running down Heather's face spoke of the pain she felt knowing she was losing the person she loved more than her own life.

Andrea, Lindsey, Angela, and even Marie all had tears running down their cheeks as they sat around the couch reaching in to touch Alex however they could hoping to give her the strength to continue just a little longer.

Each breath Alex took was so labored and shallow they were sure there wouldn't be another to follow.

The door bell rang and none of them moved. It rang again and they still sat there doing their best to hold the person, who taught them all to love fully, to a world they no longer belonged in.

The door opened and Kathy and Jennifer walked in followed closely by Niki and Judy with Brent coming in right behind them. Kathy saw everyone sitting around the couch and when she got closer saw her twin sister laying there her chest barely rising with each breath she took. The tears started as the fullness of what was happening hit her. Jenny wrapped an arm around Kathy and pulled her into her shoulder while Judy did the same with Niki.

Brent walked over to Heather and wrapped an arm around her reaching in and placing a hand on Alex as well.

"She doesn't hurt anymore," Heather chocked.

"She suffered things none of can know. Heather she gave me something just before she collapsed in the office and asked me to give it to you when she was gone. I'm sorry I didn't bring it with but in the morning I'll be sure to bring it out here for you," Brent said.

Alex's chest rose one last time and she signed as the last of the breath left her body. She was gone, they all knew it, but none of them moved. The person who loved each of them without condition was gone and it hurt beyond imagining.

"Heather... would you like us to stay with you tonight?" Jenny asked.

Heather looked up at her cousin the tears streaming down her cheeks so hard she couldn't really see anything but a blur.

"It hurts so much Jenny. It hurts so much," Heather sobbed.

Brent went over to the phone and called Allen to let him know Alex was gone, and choked up so bad it took several times trying to tell Allen before he was able to get it out.

"If you can let her family there know," Brent said.

When Brent hung up Jenny asked if she could use the phone to make a couple calls as well.

Jenny's first call was to her brother to let him know and beg him to do his best to insure Heather and Alex's marriage was recognized as soon as possible. She told him if anything like this happened to her and Kathy she would do everything she could to make sure his life was a living hell.

After talking to her brother she called Heather's sister begging her to please come as soon as possible since her sister was in need of family support. She made a few other calls before Kelli touched her on the shoulder.

"I'm sorry but I think I should call my folks and let them know," Kelli said when Jenny turned.

"I understand. Kelli I know Heather could really use your help right now," Jenny said.

"I'll do what I can. If it weren't for Alex I probably wouldn't even know who I am," Kelli said.

"Mom, is dad there?" Kelli asked

"Kelli we just got news that Alex died, tell me it is someones idea of a sick joke," Gwen said.

"Please mom, is dad there? If so can you ask him to pick up too?" Kelli asked.

"What's going on Kelli?" Uncle Brian asked.

"Mom, dad, Alex died just a few minutes ago. We all knew it wouldn't be long, but none of us here wanted her... mom, dad if you can let everyone there know and let them know everyone here would like them to come for her memorial I'm sure Heather could really use the support," Kelli said as tears started running down her cheeks as reality set in.

It took the better part of a week to get everyone there for the memorial, Kelli, and Andrea doing all they could with the help of Kathy, Jenny, Niki and Judy to keep things going.

Heather read and reread the last letter Alex left her after Brent brought it by. Locking herself in the office at home for hours each day. The kids knew Heather needed time to heal, but really started worrying after the third day of her locking herself in the office.

"Mom, is there anything we can do for you?" Lindsey asked.

Heather walked by her not even acknowledging her.

"Mom, please we're all hurting but we need you," Lindsey said reaching out and taking Heather's hand.

Heather stopped and turned to Lindsey anger in her eyes that this child refused to let her morn the lose of the only person she had ever given herself to fully.

"Mom please we need you. We're scared and hurt too," Lindsey said.

Andrea came up next to Lindsey and Heather started crying seeing how lost and confused they both looked.

"Where are Angela and Marie?" Heather asked.

"They're in eating lunch. Mom, we do love you, but right now we need you, and you haven't been here for us," Andrea said.

"I'm so sorry, I needed time to try understanding something I don't think any of us will ever understand," Heather said.

"Mom we love you!" Lindsey said.

"And I love you. I guess I just got lost in all the time Alex and I should have had together. I know she set an example for all of us we'll likely never live up too, but maybe we should try. I don't want you to ever feel you can't talk to me the way you did Alex," Heather said.

The three of them walked in the kitchen together and were met at the entry by Angela and Marie wanting hugs from the only mom they had now.

"I missed both of you so much," Heather said picking both of them up and hugging them tight against her breast.

"I love you mom," Angela said.

"Love mom," Marie said.

"Andrea, Lindsey, I left something up on the computer in the office I think maybe both of you should read it, and when Angela and Marie are old enough I think it might be a good idea for them to read it as well," Heather said hoping Andrea and Lindsey would go read the letter Alex left for her.

Heather sat down with Angela and Marie and started eating the lunch Andrea, Lindsey and Kelli had prepared.

"Heather? Do you think it would be alright if I read it too?" Kelli asked.

"I think so Kelli unless you want to wait until the memorial. I think it's something that should be shared with everyone who knew Alex, at least part of it should be," Heather said.

Andrea, Lindsey and Kelli all headed for the office, Andrea taking the chair sitting at the desk and waiting while Kelli and Lindsey each pulled up a chair.

The three of them took turns reading the letter out loud. Each of them chocking up making reading it impossible so another took over.

Kathy and Jenny showed up as the kids started reading the letter and stood in the door of the office listening as each of the kids read. Kathy walked in and took over reading when none of the three kids could continue.

Heather had finished her lunch and stood in the door to the office as Kathy finished reading the letter and the tears started again as she heard Kathy reading the letter as if Alex were just writing it.

"My love forever Alex, your wild rose!" Kathy read and Heather crumpled to the floor tears running freely down her cheeks. Kathy and the others turned at the sound of Heather hitting the floor and saw the pain of lose as she lay there crying.

Kathy turned back to the computer while Jenny went over to Heather to offer comfort. Kathy clicked on the attached file and it came up asking for a password. She thought for a while and asked Heather when her tears slowed if Alex had a nickname for her.

"No, she only ever called me her love or by my name," Heather said.

Kathy looked at the computer sitting there asking for a password she wasn't sure she would ever be able to figure out. She typed in wild rose and it came back saying invalid password. She tried again this time capitalizing the 'W' in wild and the 'R' in rose and again hit enter. The screen changed and went blank. She waited and nothing happened. She hit enter again and line after line of encrypted text came up and she cussed since she knew the password had been correct, but something was needed at the blank screen to bring up the file so it could be read.

"Please Kathy don't. She was explicit about that file and I think I do know how to bring it up, but trying to explain wouldn't be easy," Heather said.

"You know what's in that file don't you?" Kathy asked.

"Her journal. She told me when we got married in college it was encrypted so no one would be able to read it who she hadn't told the password. She told us the password in how she signed this letter, but I think I'm likely the only one who she ever told the encryption code to," Heather said.

Kathy gave Heather a look that would stop most people in their tracks, but Heather turned away and walked back in the other room not paying any attention to Kathy and her frustration.

A week after Alex died was the memorial held at the ranch with a sound system hooked up and benches lined up. Alex's coffin was set in front of a raise podium the lid open so everyone could have a chance to walk by and share a few words before the formal memorial started.

Kathy stood at the microphone on the podium as everyone took their seats and waited for the last of those gathered to quiet.

"I want to thank you all for coming to show your respect to my sister who gave so much of herself for others. I've been asked to lead this memorial since there was only one person who might have been closer to Alex than I was," Kathy said continuing into stories of growing up with Alex and how she had been so special. The tears started long before she finished her tribute, but even through the tears she continued on telling just how much her twin sister meant to her. She introduced Niki as the next one to give a tribute. And walked down to the coffin with Alex laying there looking to finally be at peace and gave her a hug.

Niki stood up and walked over to the microphone and stood there tears tracing tracks down her face.

"I don't remember much about Alex before she left for college. I didn't realize how much she had given to make sure I got to have a childhood she was deprived of, all I really knew was she was the only one able to stand up to our big brother and father. When she came back from college we still weren't close or I didn't think we were. I didn't know how much she gave only that she wasn't open about a lot of things with me she was Kathy, Jesse, and even Nancy. When she was setup by our brother I was glad because I saw her as having killed my next to the oldest brother when she left for college. It wasn't until the day our oldest brother died I found out how much she loved me and I came to realize how much I loved her. I had made accusations against her because of things I knew nothing about. The day David died I found out about many of the things she had done for me, I found out how much she loved me and cared for me," Niki said continuing on telling how she respected her big sister who had suffered so many injustices so she wouldn't have to.

Niki finished her tribute and introduced Nancy who gave her tribute telling about, Alex insuring she had a chance to grow up without the abuse she suffered. Nancy introduced Jesse who started up to the microphone. And stopped short of reaching it.

"Jesse?" Kathy asked as she stepped up next to Jesse.

"I... Kathy I wouldn't be here if it weren't for her. I wanted to see her again to hear her tell me everything is going to be alright. It isn't fair she should still be here," Jesse said tears running down her cheeks.

"She gave us everything she had. She would have given more if she could, the least we can do is keep her memory alive as long as possible. We all owe her more than we'll ever be able to repay," Kathy said.

Together Jesse and Kathy stepped up to the microphone and Jesse looked down at the body of her sister laying there for all practical purposes appearing to be asleep.

"I wish I could say this were all some weird hoax that Alex were going to sit up and thank our sisters for the kind words they've shared. I guess of all of us I probably know more of what Alex did to save us all from something that in all likelihood would have killed us. I know because it was Alex's strength that saved my life and also my sanity. She believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. She became the big sister I wasn't able to be. She always had a smile and a word of encouragement to let me know as bad as things might seem there would be better if I could just hold on. I look behind me here at the four beautiful children my sister took as her own and the chances she gave them they wouldn't have had otherwise. I see so much of Alex in each of them, in the strength they have, the compassion they show to others. I see the beautiful woman my sister chose to share everything she was with and know she like each of my sisters and I wonder if she'll have the strength to go on without someone who gave so much of themselves so selflessly," Jesse said going on to tell how Alex gave her the strength to overcome everything they had been through and helped her become a stronger woman than she ever dreamed possible.

Jesse looked back at the kids sitting there wanting nothing more than to have the mother they chose back so they could tell her how much they loved her. She invited the kids to come up and share their love for their mother with everyone gathered.

Andrea said how much she would miss the woman who gave her a chance. Lindsey talked about how Alex was willing to take her and her little sisters in when they didn't have anywhere else to go. They all said how much they loved Alex and hoped one day they could prove themselves to be women of honor like their mothers.

Allen came up and talked about how Alex encouraged him to do better in school always giving her all and encouraging others to do the same. Somehow Alex always knew if someone was giving all they had and never belittled anyone if their all wasn't as much as someone else. Brent told about a wedding he attended while still in college and had never seen anyone so happy until the day two of his best friends again shared vows of love with each other.

After Brent sat down Briana and Kelli came up. Briana told about her cousin who was always looking out for others and always accepting of who they said they were even if what they said didn't seem to match with what the physical evidence said. Kelli said she didn't know where she would be now if it hadn't been for Alex. She told about the day she met Alex for the first time. And thanked Alex for helping her to finally start learning who she is as a person.

When Briana and Kelli sat back down Heather stood up and slowly walked up to the microphone.

"I hear all these stories from all these people who loved Alex, and wonder if any of them have any real idea who Alex was and what she suffered so others could have a chance at a better life."

"I'm not sure I knew Alex any better than anyone else, because Alex never complained about what life gave her. From the day I met Alex I don't remember ever seeing her but what she had a warm smile. She was always willing to help if someone needed help, it didn't matter what it might be. I don't remember ever seeing Alex be mean just because, and she almost always gave someone the benefit of the doubt regardless of the cost to her."

"Alex wrote me a letter the day before she died. She knew she didn't have much longer and from what I can gather it was one of the last things she did," Heather said. She stared down at Alex laying there in that box and looked lost for a short time. "Alex I'm sorry but I couldn't wait like you asked." she shed a few more tears before looking out over those gathered.

"In the letter Alex wrote she asked me to please wait until the pain of lose was less. I do have to say I wish I would have listened to her, but I'm also glad I didn't. Attached to the letter was a computer file that Alex had passworded and encrypted as Kathy found out. Alex gave us the password to the file in how she signed the letter. The first night after Alex arrived at school she was sharing my room since she couldn't afford a room of her own and I was gone most evenings. I came in late and saw Alex laying in bed shaking horribly and wondered what could have caused this young girl to have nightmares that would cause her to shake so much. I laid on the bed and put my arm around her shoulder and she settled into a deeper more gentle sleep. Over the years I learned she almost never slept and unless I was willing to hold her like that first night she never slept peacefully."

"Kathy I have no doubt you tried to read some of the pages of the file, and Alex knew you did as well. She said as much, but also said she made changes to any of the pages she thought you read. Jesse you probably know more about what are in those pages than anyone except perhaps your father. The files are her diary, or journal, from the time she learned to write. The first several pages are much the same as I imagine any little girls diary might be, but within six months of turning eight the entries change and become very dark. They cover the next ten years in remarkable detail for someone so young. I don't think any of you know what she did to protect you and how much she wanted nothing more than to be able to find peace that evaded her for so many years."

"They cover the time she spent locked away and how the only reason she managed to survive was because there was someone else there who needed her in much the same way her sisters had. Then she was locked away in a five by seven cell with no interaction from anyone and the days wore on with no hope of anything better, until all hope was gone."

"She went into detail of the day your brother died and how she never wanted anyone to ever fear her the way she saw fear in the eyes of those there that day."

"I always wondered what ghosts she had hidden and if she would ever tell anyone. I remember the day she sat in that witness chair in that courtroom and gave her testimony in front of the judge and jury. I thought of how horrid the events she recounted were and wondered how she managed to survive. Even then I didn't know the strength of this beautiful woman who told me she loved me in every way a person can tell another they love them. I..." Heather cut off because the pain of lose and what she had read in those journal pages were beyond anything she could have ever imagined.

Heather stood there looking down at the woman who meant so much to so many and wondered how it was she was lucky enough to have shared even the short time they had shared.

"Kathy, Niki, Nancy, Jesse, it said in that letter to allow each of you the chance to read her journal. She wants all of you to know the love she had, and still has for each of you. She wants you to all know she did what she did because she knew she was strong enough and one day maybe if she was able to continue to be strong enough no one else would ever have to go through anything like what she did," Heather finished.

Heather didn't sit back down instead doing like Kathy had and walking down leaning in and giving Alex a hug and kiss. She stood there looking at the woman who gave so much and loved so fully, and hoped she could love as fully and give as much.

Kathy walked back to the microphone and thanked everyone for being there. Heather stood by the coffin staring at her beautiful wife until the lid of the coffin was closed. Everyone stood and the coffin was rolled into the hearse where it was taken back to the funeral home to be cremated. Heather followed in the family car right behind the hearse along with the kids. Each of Alex's sisters following in cars right behind Heather and the kids.

At the funeral home the coffin was rolled inside and the family was directed to a room where they could wait while the cremation was preformed. A short time later the director of the funeral home asked if any of the family wanted small vials that would contain some of the ashes they could hang from a chain around their necks. All of Alex's sisters wanted one as well as each of the kids and Heather. Kelli asked if she too could have one and was given one. The remainder of the ashes were placed in an urn and handed to Heather to do with as she wished or as Alex had requested.

Heather over the next week gave a copy of Alex's journal to each of Alex's sisters and told Andrea and Lindsey until they were ready for college she wouldn't let them read the journal.

"Heather started her own journal going back as far as she could remember so when it was her time she could pass on her legacy just as the love of her life had done.

About Jayne Amanda Maynes

I was born in April 1955 as the heir to my father. My older brother should have been, he had the same initials as dad, but he was mentally retarded and had a heart condition from birth. According to my mother she knew from the time I was growing inside her that I would be a boy and the heir they had hope my brother could have been.

I have known for as long as I can remember that I was different that there was something not right about me. I am a male to female (M2F) transsexual. I am currently on HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy); I have been in therapy for GID (Gender Identity Disorder) since February 2007. I started on HRT October 1, 2007. I have not set a time yet for completing my transition to becoming the woman I know I am inside. There are so many things involved in transitioning that most people have no clue about. The differences between the sexes are so vast and all of my life I have led a life that just never fit who I am inside. I have learned so much and yet there is still so much that I still don't know about being the woman I always knew I was.

## Other books By Jayne Amanda Maynes

The Butterfly Within series:

The Image in the Mirror

The Cracked Mirror

Daughters of Power series:

Daughter of Life

Daughter of Love

A Psalm of Love

The Rose of Magic series:

The Hidden Rose

The White Rose

The Mystic Rose

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