I'M SO
EXCITED ABOUT OUR NEXT GUEST,
HERE MAKING HER NETWORK
TELEVISION STANDUP DEBUT WITH US
TONIGHT.
HER NEW ONE HOUR SPECIAL AMY
SCHU MER PRESENTS RACHEL
FEINSTEIN, ONLY WHORES WEAR
PURPLE PREMIER THIS SATURDAY
NIGHT ON COMEDY CENTRAL.
PLEASE WELCOME THE BRILLIANT,
THE INCREDIBLE, RACHEL
FEINSTEIN.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, GUYS.
IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.
I JUST BROKE UP WITH MY
BOYFRIEND AND NOW I'M HERE.
AND YEAH, I KNOW, BUT YOU
CAN-- YOU CAN TRICK YOURSELF
INTO THINKING YOU ARE IN A GOOD
RELATIONSHIP IF YOU ARE WATCHING
A GOOD SERIES WITH THAT PERSON.
IT'S LIKE IT'S NOT THE
RELATIONSHIPS THAT'S GOOD, IT'S
THE SHOW YOU ARE WATCHING
TOGETHER.
I WAS WITH A WILD ALCOHOLIC FOR
LIKE FOUR YEARS JUST BECAUSE WE
WERE WATCHING BREAKING BAD AND I
GOT CONFUSED.
HE WAS A GUT ERHAL DRUNK.
YEAH, WE WOULD FIGHT A LOT.
ONE OF OUR BIG FIGHTS IS HE
WOULD GET MAD AT ME, EVERY TIME
WE HOOKED UP HE ALWAYS WANTED ME
TO DO A SEXY DANCE FOR HIM.
WE HAD A LOT OF FIGHTS ABOUT
THIS DANCE HE REQUESTED.
I WILL PUT ON LINGERIE BUT I AM
NOT GOING TO DO A JIG, IT'S TOO
RIDICULOUS.
I'M LIKE THIS IS NOT AMERICA'S
GOT TALENT.
I DON'T HAVE SOME SORT OF A
JAZZY NUMBER I'M GOING TO
PREPARE FOR YOU.
FINALLY I JUST PUT ON A BIKINI
AND I DID THE CHARLESTON?
HE WAS DISGUSTED.
(APPLAUSE)
FULLY FLACID.
BY THE TIME I WAS DONE
CHARLESTONING, SOMETHING ABOUT
THOSE JAZZ HANDS THAT-- I
FINALLY DID GIVE HIM A LAP DANCE
BUT I THINK IT WAS CONFUSING FOR
HIM BECAUSE I WAS ALSO SINGING A
LOT OF YIDISH SHOW TUNES.
I WAS GRINDING ON HIM WHICH I
THOUGHT WAS A FAIR COMPROMISE
BUT I WAS ALSO GOING YOUR SMILE
IS MY UMBRELLA.
HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGY IN THE
WINDOW.
I SANING A LOT OF SONGS FROM
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF, IF I WERE A
RICH MAN.
HE WAS JUST WEEPING, WEEPING BY
THE TIME HIS LAP DANCE WAS
COMPLETE.
IS HE NO LONGER AROUSED BY
WOMEN.
THAT IS HOW I LEAVE MOST MEN,
JUST NO LONGER INTERESTED IN
WOMEN.
I WENT HOME TO VISIT MY PARENTS
FOR AWHILE.
I JUST NEEDED TO GET AWAY.
I DON'T KNOW IF ANYBODY FEELS
LIKE THIS.
WHEN I GO HOME I'M OKAY FOR LIKE
SIX MINUTES AND THEN I JUST FEEL
LIKE WEIRDLY FURIOUS, YOU KNOW.
AND THEN I EAT LIKE AN
AGGRESSIVE AMOUNT OF PIE.
I JUST WANT TO PIE MYSELF
THROUGH THE WEEKEND.
MY MOM'S VERY OVERWHELMING.
I DON'T KNOW IF ANYBODY HAS A
PARENT THAT DOES THIS.
MY MOM TALKS TO LIKE EVERY
STRANGER IN PUBLIC.
SHE JUST SORT OF LIKES TO STOP
PEOPLE AND HAVE WHAT SHE THINKS
ARE THESE REAL JAZZY MOMENTS
WITH PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW?
I'M LIKE THEY'RE NOT HAVING THE
MOMENT WITH HER.
THAT IS WHAT I WANT HER TO
UNDERSTAND.
LIKE PEOPLE LISTEN HER, THEY
USUALLY LOOK LIKE THEY JUST FEEL
SOILED SHOW.
THEY ARE USUALLY BACKED UP
AGAINST A WALL OF SOME SORT.
AND SHE WALKS AWAY FROM EVERY
EXCHANGE LIKE WELL, THAT WAS
FANTASTIC.
WHAT A -- WHAT A ROCKIN' TIME WE
HAD TOGETHER.
I'M LIKE HE DOESN'T FEEL SAFE.
YEAH, EVERYTHING ABOUT HER IS
TOO MUCH.
SHE'S ALWAYS WEARING SOME SORT
OF A LONG MEN PAUSAL
CAPE-- MENOPAUSAL.
SHE LOVES A LONG BEADED AND A
HALF A HOE CAPE.
SHE LOOKS AT HERSELF AND SHE
THINKS I'M WORTH IT I'M WORTH A
FOUR POUND NAFER A HOE
CLOAK-- NAVAHO CLOAK.
SHE-- HER NEWEST THING IS SHE
LIKES TO KIND OF LET PEOPLE KNOW
THAT SHE'S VERY LIBERAL AND SORT
OF JUST LIKE KIND OF CULTURALLY
AWARE AND SORT OF DOWN WITH
THINGS, CULTURALLY.
BUT SHE WILL END UP SOUNDING
VAGUELY RACIST.
LIKE SHE HAS DECIDED SHE THINKS
WHEN WE GO OUT TO A LATIN
RESTAURANT THAT IT IS SHOW
RESPECTFUL TO ORDER IN A SPANISH
ACCENT.
YOU KNOW.
I'M LIKE I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU
HAVE COLLECTED THIS IDEA BUT
YOU'VE GOT TO STOP.
IT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE.
WE'RE AT THIS RESTAURANT THE
WAITER, I FELT SO SAD FOR HIM.
HE SEEMED LIKE A LOVELY,
REASONABLE MAN.
HE HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS ABOUT TO
HAPPEN TO HIM.
HE SAID SOMETHING SO MILD HE
SAID CAN I GET ANYTHING FOR YOU.
MY MOM GOES I LOVE LATINO
CULTURE.
(LAUGHTER)
SHE GOES IT'S SO INVIGORATING.
HE WAS JUST GLARING AT HER LIKE
YOU AWFUL WHITE BITCH.
MY MOM IS LIKE THIS CLOSE TO HIS
FACE AND SHE GOES I'LL HAVE THE
TACO EL CARBON AND THEN SHE DID
LIKE A LATIN DANCE.
(APPLAUSE)
>> SHE DID A LATIN DANCE.
AND THEN SHE GOES, SHE GOES YOU
WOULD HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME IN
NICARAGUA.
WE WENT THERE RECENTLY AND WHAT
A FABULOUS TIME WE HAD.
I WAS LIKE WHY WOULD THE MEXICAN
WAITER CARE ABOUT YOUR NIK RAG
WANT TRIP, JUST STOP, PLEASE,
STOP.
SHE GOES OH, WE LOVED THE PEOPLE
THERE.
WE FOUND THEM SO INSPIRING.
THEY HAD THESE LARGE BROWN
CURIOUS EYES.
WHICH IS THE SAME THING MY MOM
SAID ABOUT ALLEN IVERSON ONCE
AND WE HAVE NEVER FORGIVEEN HER.
SHE GOES OH, YOU LOVE THE PEOPLE
IN NIK RAG WANT, OBSERVATION
THEY'RE MARVELOUS.
THEY SIT BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD
AND THEY WILL WEAVE THINGS FOR
YOU.
ANY NAVAHO CAPE YOU WANT YOU
JUST FLICK A QUARTER AT THEM AND
THEY WILL WHIP IT OUT.
THESE MARVELOUS YOUNG CHILD
SLAVES.
OH, THEY'RE INCREDIBLE.
MY MOM HATES THAT JOKE SO MUCH.
SHE IS ALWAYS LIKE I DO NOT
SUPPORT CHILD SLAVERY.
AND I LIKE THAT ONE REMOVED FROM
YOUR TALENT SHOW.
SHE CALLS MY STANDUP MY TALENT
SHOW.
ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS, THANK YOU
SO MUCH.
THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
