- Hey, minimalist mama or
striving to be a minamalist.
Today, I'm going to give you five C's
that are mindset hacks,
things that every minimalist
needs to do up here
to keep you stress free and thriving.
If you're ready to love
parenting and parent from love,
slam on that Subscribe button.
Don't forget, hit the notification bell
so that you are sure to meet me back here
same time, same place next
week and every Monday.
(upbeat music)
- [Woman] The Parenting Junkie.
- Hi, I'm Avital.
I'm a mindful parenting coach
and the proud mother of four,
and I show up here and
on my podcast and my blog
and courses and memberships
across The Parenting Junkie platforms
to provide you with tools
to reclaim presence,
peace, and play for your family
and minimize chaos, clutter, and conflict.
Today I'm talking about
minimalism in our minds,
what we need to get rid of,
declutter, donate elsewhere
if we want to live a stress-free,
pumping mama or papa life.
In today's day and age,
we have so much privilege,
but also so much distraction,
decisions to make,
and shiny objects that keep
pulling at our attention.
So how do we counterbalance that
and just stay in our lane?
Slam on that Like button
and let's get started.
Number one, clarity.
Being able to make good
choices for ourselves
and our families, design
the life that we want,
create the home that we
want, the job that we want,
the kind of education we
want for our children,
and the kind of marriage that we desire
means that we need to get crystal clear
about those goals.
Listen, the saying goes
that if you don't know
where you're going, you're
gonna get nowhere fast.
And that's true for everything in life,
including our parenting journey.
If we don't have clarity
over what types of days,
weeks, years, and perhaps
decades we want to live,
then we can't design those.
We can't take steps to
make the right decisions.
You need to have a crystal
clear vision in your mind
for what your ideal day
looks like, your ideal life.
Really, I know that can
sound very overwhelming,
but it can also be a lot of fun
to sit down and get to
know yourself better.
One of the best ways to do
this is through journaling,
just sitting down with a pen and paper
and allowing yourself to
describe your ideal life.
From start to finish, what
does the day look like?
Where do you live?
What does your house look like?
What kind of job do you have?
What kind of lifestyle?
What do you eat?
How much do you sleep?
What do you do for working out?
What does your relationships look like?
How big or small is your circle
of friends and community?
And how do you create those
connections and relationships?
What does your child's life look like?
Do they go to school?
Are they homeschooled?
What kind of activities do they go to?
You really have to allow
yourself to roam free
in this vision, get really, really clear
on where you're trying to
get to, what the goal is.
What does success look like for you?
So many of us have been preconditioned
to consider success
someone else's definition.
We consider being successful when we have
the house, the car, the job, the school
that other people perceive as worthy.
But maybe your dream is
to live in a school bus,
a converted school bus
like #schoolypeople do.
How amazing?
Or in a tiny house or in
a mansion in Hollywood.
It doesn't matter.
Every dream is legitimate,
but you have to get clear
on what your dream is,
on what you're working towards.
Now, it doesn't have to
be your big, massive,
lifelong dream, your 10-year goal,
but it could be what your
ideal day would look like
in this current scenario
with the current finances that you have
with the current situation, the
current place that you live,
your current culture.
At least get clear on what
you like and don't like.
How many of us are
recovering people pleasers?
I know my hand is up.
When you've been
conditioned to please others
with how you behave and your achievements
and your appearance,
then you're out of touch
with what you really want
and you might have conflicting
desires within you.
You might want to please
people in some way
and fit in with some other groups,
but you also have a
calling to be someone else.
I think the work of
maturing and growing up
is about integrating these
different parts of us,
to making them play nicely together
so that you can show you and be you fully
with anyone you meet and in any situation,
still being the person that you like,
the person that you're proud to be,
the person that's aligned
with your interior
beliefs, goals, dreams, and values.
So getting crystal clear on who you are
in terms of your desires,
your preferences,
your vision for yourself,
that's really, really important
to decluttering your mind
and staying focused and
getting what you want.
Number two is commitment.
Once you've decided, you've
done all of your research
on whether or not to teach your
baby to sleep by themselves,
whether to cosleep, whether to
feed your baby organic food,
baby-led weaning, cloth diapering, EC,
homeschooling, unschooling,
Montessori, public school,
punishments or not,
any decision that you
have done your research on
and come to a decision,
then it becomes time to commit,
I shared with you one
of my minimalism hacks,
and that's about purchase decisions.
When I have to do the research
to buy a good winter coat
or a good pair of boots or whatever it is,
I do that research once
and then I commit to it
for the next couple of seasons at least.
So I'll buy the next pair,
as well, the next size,
or I'll buy it for all my children
so that I don't have to keep
researching for each child.
As much as possible I do the research once
for any given thing,
and once I've made that
decision, I commit.
Part of that commitment is me committing
to liking my decision, not regretting it.
It reminds me of something
my mom used to say
when I was a kid.
She used to say,
when you get ready to
go out in the morning,
look in the mirror as
many times as you like,
change clothes as many times as you like,
but once you've decided,
decide to feel great about it
and go out into the world and
don't think about it again.
In other words, don't
spend the day being like,
oh, I shouldn't have worn
this, it doesn't look great,
or I'm not sure about my hair today.
Just forget about it at that point.
I think this is true
for every big decision,
like who we marry,
or small decision, like
what to order for lunch.
Listen, when you think about something
like marriage, for example,
typically we need to
think really long and hard
about that decision,
and once we've made that decision,
it's a good idea to love the decision,
to make it work for us, right?
As the saying goes, it doesn't
work unless you work it.
Now, sometimes it still
won't work even then,
like with a marriage or
like with a small decision,
like a purchase.
Sometimes it just was wrong.
It just didn't fit,
and you do have to count your losses
and start over, make a new decision.
But the point I'm trying to
get through here is that limbo,
that indecisive space,
that regretful space,
oh, I'm not sure if I'm
making the right decision,
I'm not sure what to do, I'm
not sure if I chose right,
that burns a ton of brain calories.
That makes us very exhausted.
It's very stressful to be in that place.
And it's like we're
constantly on the lookout
and absorbing messages from the world
about our decisions and
about our life choices.
We're very susceptible to
judgements of other people
who are saying you
shouldn't have done that
or you should do this.
Do your research, think it
through, make your decision,
and once you do, try to stick with it.
As Tamara told me, Tamara
from the TPJ team, shout out,
she said, when you're looking
for homeschool curriculums,
for example, there is so much
curriculums on the market,
and someone she knows
was giving her the advice
that when you do all of your research
and then you find your
curriculum that you want,
commit to it.
Don't look at the adverts anymore.
Don't listen to friends tell you about
all the new stuff they've heard
because it just confuses you
and then it confuses your kids.
So in some respects, some of
the time, you need to commit
and you don't have to commit forever.
But for the next season,
for the next month,
for the next year, maybe
for the next few years.
You just say this is what
we're doing, I'm committed,
and I'm not going to dabble
in regret and confusion.
I'm not gonna allow myself to go there.
I'm gonna stay this course
until it's clearly the wrong decision,
until there's a clarity,
again, coming back to clarity,
around changing course,
and then I'll change
course and reevaluate.
Hey, I want to hear from you now.
In the comments below, let me know,
what's one thing you
are ready to commit to?
What's a parenting practice
you haven't been sure about,
you've been going back and forth about?
Maybe it's weaning or using a pacifier.
Maybe it's something to
do with food or sleep
or behavior or school.
What's something that you
haven't been sure about
and you're ready to just
say I'm gonna do this,
at least for the next week or month?
What is something you're
ready to commit to right now?
Let me know in the comments below.
This leads me perfectly into the next one,
which is consistency.
Consistency is a minimalist's best friend.
Having some level of
consistency in our lives,
something that we always repeat,
a pattern, predictability,
is so comforting to us humans.
We all like some spontaneity
and adventure, as well,
each of us to a different degree,
but don't underestimate the
importance of predictability,
of rhythm, of ritual, of routine
for yourself and for your kids.
It's extremely comforting to take out
that choice paralysis of
what to do every Sunday
or how to do bedtime
or how we do bath time
or how we get into the car every day.
When we have consistency, we've
committed to a certain path,
we've committed to a certain
product or pattern or schedule,
having a little bit of
consistency builds that momentum,
gets us into a groove,
gets us into our rhythm,
and when we're in that rhythm,
there's a lot of liberation there.
It's kind of like they say
there's rules to the music
and there's music in the rules.
There's music within the rules.
When there are rules to
our lives that we set,
we set the rules, so
there's freedom there,
but once we've set them,
we've made the commitment,
then being consistent with it
long enough to see results.
So many people say to me things like
peaceful parenting doesn't work
or I can't stick to my flow,
I can't get a schedule,
or we don't have a routine.
But the truth is that it takes time
and it takes consistency to
see the fruits of our labor.
It takes consistency with
regards to showing up
for our self-care,
with regards to peacefully parenting,
with regards to building rapport
and showing up to our
relationship with our spouse
as a peaceful partner.
All of these things, you've
got to be consistent with them
so that you can see the
fruits of your labor.
If you went to the gym once,
you would not expect
to be shredded, right?
If you want to get shredded,
you need to commit to it
and then stay consistent
over a period of time.
You've got to stay the course.
It doesn't have to be hard work.
You don't have to really sweat at it,
but you need to show up every single day
in order to make the changes
that you want to see happen.
Consistency can be applied
to so many different things in life,
and I'm not saying you always
have to shop exactly the same.
There are gonna be off days and sick days,
but that's just the
norm, that's just life.
So we know that from the get-go.
We know that we're not
gonna be fully consistent.
But try to establish some rituals.
For example, we have
our established ritual.
Every Friday at sunset
we light our candles,
we sing our specific prayers,
we eat our specific foods.
This is all based on a Jewish ritual
because that's how we grew up.
But think about some rituals
that you could establish
or something that you have in your culture
or in your religion that
could serve as a foundational,
reliable, predictable anchor to your week.
This is also a decluttering hack
because once you are consistent,
you can know when to
say no to other things.
You know that you just
don't buy that type of thing
or you don't eat that type of food
or on Fridays you're busy at that time.
It just takes away the
decision-making process.
The next minimalist mindful
hack for moms is contentment.
Here's the thing.
People think that when they get the job,
when they get the house, when
they get the bank account
and the car and that kid
and the sleep established
and all of the different things,
then they'll be content.
The truth is that it works
the other way around.
You first have to love on what you've got.
You've got to love on
yourself, love on your kids,
love on your house, love on your car,
love on your lifestyle as it is.
Love on what you have
and then, from that place,
you will be creative
in creating more things to love on.
You'll be attracting more
things like that to you,
and you'll be noticing
more things to enjoy
and love in your life.
It's always that paradox that the people
who have absolutely nothing in this world,
people who don't own anything
and live by a tree somewhere
might be the most content in the world
whilst the billionaire in their mansion
might be the least content
and the most depressed and anxious.
Remember, contentment isn't
contingent on external factors.
It's not contingent on what you have
or on what you deserve or on what you are.
It's not.
It's a mindset.
It's a decision to be content.
It's a decision to practice
gratitude actively.
When we practice gratitude actively,
we also get more clarity
around what we want.
We get more clarity around
how to build that vision
because we just love on
the things that we have.
So practicing gratitude,
practicing contentment
brings around a whole slew of benefits
and certainly mindfulness is one of them.
And finally, calm.
Being calm is a practice.
It is not a personality trait
that you are born with or not born with,
although you might have been.
Being calm is actually a skill.
It's a practice that we
learn and that we claim
purposefully, intentionally,
and deliberately.
Listen.
I used to be a lot more hot
headed, a lot more intense,
and a lot quicker to anger,
and I still have a little
bit of a temper in me,
I'm not gonna lie.
But practicing calm, learning to be calm,
learning the tools of calmfulness
and purposefully becoming calm.
Calmfulness, is that even a word?
I don't know, say it is.
Becoming calm purposefully is a project
that we as mindful minimalist
parents need to claim.
When we know how to be calm,
it means that we aren't
reactive all the time.
We can respond mindfully rather than being
constantly reactive to
whatever stimuli comes our way.
When our child has a
tantrum or something spills
or something gets canceled or we're late,
we can learn how to stay calm
even in the face of adversity,
even in the face of tragedy.
Learning how to stay calm
means that we can create
a lot more peace around us,
a lot more joy in our life,
and it allows us to practice
all of these other things,
such as clarity, commitment, consistency.
We learn how to do those things
and we are content as a result
because we have a clear mind.
When you're calm, you're
able to see things
from a calm perspective and
not just react emotionally.
It's really about realizing
that your feelings
don't have to dictate everything.
Your initial thoughts and
reactions might not be true.
The saying goes, don't
believe everything you think,
and don't believe everything you feel.
There are other ways to
feel, respond, and think
about the situation in front of you.
Now, I know that's a
very unpopular teaching.
Most people say trust your
feelings, trust your emotions,
let your feelings be your guide,
and I think that's true
to a certain extent.
But our feelings can often mislead us.
We want to master our feelings
and use them, certainly trust them,
use them to learn our preferences,
to learn our boundaries, et cetera,
but not be overrun, flooded,
and overwhelmed by those feelings.
We don't want them to run the show.
Feelings can be very misleading
because thoughts can be incorrect.
We can think about something with biases
and cognitive distortions
and really be skewed in a
way that doesn't serve us.
We want to learn to
practice thought patterns
that do serve us, that
make us feel better,
make us respond better, and keep us calm,
and I don't mean calm as in placid
and not responsive and numb.
I mean calm as in I am not constantly
in a state of flux of anxiety.
Think about your blood sugar levels.
We know now in medicine
that it's not a good idea
to have big peaks of blood sugar.
That is a stressor on our body
and it actually ages us
and exhausts our systems.
I think the same is
true of emotional peaks.
High anxiety, high reactivity,
big, intense stress motions,
those things exhaust us, they age us,
they don't allow us to
respond appropriately
and to conserve our
energies in a healthy way.
So you can still be enthusiastic,
you can still have anger
bubbling up inside of you,
but learning how to kind of even out
that graph a little bit,
bring it all back into a
little bit more of a centered
and grounded place is gonna be
a really healthy breakthrough
to reduce our stress.
One of the best ways I know how to do this
is to listen to guided meditations,
and if you want more on that,
I have a full guided meditation album
over at TheParentingJunkie.com.
You can purchase it.
It's a seven-track album that teaches you
all sorts of tools for mindful parenting
and helps you to process those feelings
and set you up with good affirmations
so that you can face the day ahead.
So give me a love in the comments below
if you liked my five C's
and let me know which one
spoke to you the most.
I would absolutely love to hear.
And you are invited to
join me over on Facebook
at the Love Parenting
with Avital Facebook group
where the best parents
from around the world
hang out and we talk about
minimalism and mindfulness
and all the good stuff.
Plus, I would love for you to join me
on Instagram @ParentingJunkie
and on my podcast.
Just look for The Parenting Junkie show
wherever you get your podcasts.
It's live, and I'm loving your reviews.
Thank you so much.
And now is the time, my friend,
to hit that Subscribe button
and the notification bell
because here's what's coming next week.
Today I'm gonna give you 10 tips
to teach your kids mindfulness.
And stick with me until the end
'cause number 10 is my personal favorite.
