>> NICHOLAS OF MYRA:
>> NICHOLAS OF MYRA: 
Listen up ladies, gents, and squires
I'm Nicholas from the see of Myra
Most of you know me as jolly Santa Claus
Though my main claim to fame is maiming foes in christology wars
A cat named Arius said the Son was the Father's inferior
He was backed by dudes like Eusebius of Nicomedia
But I repose, Arius was deposed, down in Alexandria
By none other than the man himself, Bishop
Alexander
This started a fight that lacked
decorum and candour
Not much fellowship, but man, 
a whole lot of slander
Constantine called a council in Nicea
The idea was for the council to be
kinda like a panacea
Arius never showed, hey man,
I don't blame him
If I met the dude I'd only wanna shame him
If Arius arrived, he wouldn't survive,
I'd verbally attack him
Cause I'm a saint with no self-restraint
so I'd probably slap him
Forgive me if I begin to rave and prattle
But you need to hear that Nicea 
was an epic rap battle
The encounter was tense, outcome precarious
Till Arius got owned by young Athanasius
I'll show you what happened
back then at Nicea
First up, Eusebius of Nicomedia
>> EUSEBIUS OF NICOMEDIA:
>> EUSEBIUS OF NICOMEDIA:
We all know the creed that God is one
God is the Father and the Father has a Son
But the Son does not share
in the Father's might
The Son is something of a lesser light
The Son is divine but the Father is greater
The Son was made, the Father's his maker
You know the truth brothers, 
you know the whole lot
As Arius says, 
there was a time when the Son was not
But Bishop Alexander
down on the mouth of the Nile
Everything he says is erroneous and vile
He thinks the Father and the Son,
they're just the same
It's like one God with two different names
Alexander leads us on a path
towards unholy schism
He preaches the heresy called modalism
The errors of his ways are many and fraught
Causes he denies the time
when the Son was naught
Alexander, I will make you pay for your slander
I'm gonna gut you, you sly old Salamander
I'll expose you, depose you,
impose on your style
I gotta vision of my mission
to put you in exile
I'm gonna see you in chains
and then I'll lock it
Cause while you were scheming, hah, I got
Constantine in my pocket.
[Bishop Alexander huddles
with his advisors]
>> ALEXANDER: I'm in a dog fight 
with Eusebius of Nicomedia
It's like scuffing with a guy 
that's a walking encyclopedia
I can't take him on, I can't do it alone
C'mon peeps throw this poor doggy a bone
>> ATHANASIUS:
Excuse me sir! I couldn't help but overhear
I have some suggestions and a couple of ideas
>> ALEXANDER: 
Sorry son, you see, I'm a very busy man
>> ATHANASIUS:
But boss! I believe that I can lend you a hand
>> ALEXANDER:
Who are you kid, exactly who is speaking?
>> ATHANASIUS:
My name is Athanasius, and I'm your deacon
>> ALEXANDER:
Alright dude, whatever, you got, a minute of my time
>> ATHANASIUS:
I can prove that the Son is totes divine
>> ALEXANDER:
Hah, that's easy dude, like, you gotta go farther
You need to prove that the son is divine in
the same way as the Father
>> ATHANASIUS:
I have arguments that are totally sound,
Eusebius cannot confound,
get comfy bish' while I break it down,
Athanasius has come to town!
Brothers and bishops I beseech ya
If the Son was created, 
then he's merely a creature
And one creature cannot redeem another
Whether he's an angel, a saint,
or even the holy mother
Only God can be our Saviour
He saves by grace not by our behaviour
The case is simple, not strange, or odd
The Son fully saves
cause the Son's fully God
I spoke to some homeboys out from west
They've got a formula of great interest
They have a bro who was the total package
Tertullian's terms are full of advantage
That North African Latin lawyer
was one bad ass heresy destroyer
The brother was lit, he really knew it,
and he had great way to put it
He said:
God is three persons
equal in one substance
So Jesus is divine in the Father's abundance
The dude was legit, he called a spade a spade
He said the Son's begotten
so he never got made
To put that speak into Greek for us
It means Father and Son are homoousios
Eusebius is daft, that chum's a total cullion
He's never heard of our man Tertullian
I've heard his views,
and frankly they're hilarious
He's nothing but a shill for that dog Arius
So take it to the bank:
Father and Son are equal
But this argument of mine, you see,
it's got a sequel
Ya see, Arius and Eusebius
think they're really hip
But if they're right
then they pervert our worship
If the Son was created,
we're worshipping a creature
In the history of idolatry
that's like the main feature!
If doxology was money, Arius is broke
By following Arius we make our worship a joke
To sum it all up, my argument is thus
Father, Son, homoousios!
>> CONSTANTINE:
Dang boy, you just dropped
some serious knowledge
You must be a graduate 
of Moore Theological College
Now I don't understand
all this theological jargon
But I like what you're selling,
cause it makes a good bargain
>> EUSEBIUS OF NICOMEDIA:
But boss man, please, don't get blindsided
The word homoousios
will leave us hopelessly divided
We need to follow the word pictures of scripture
You need to exile Alex and issue some strictures
To bolster the power of your imperial patriarchy
You must insist that God's essence is a hierarchy!
>> CONSTANTINE:
Sebbie, my dear, let me be clear
I have no remit to try and interfere
I don't care how the Son is deified
I just want my church completely unified
I don't wanna slay the church's holy cow
The homoousios formula will do us for now
They call me bull-neck I made the empire strong
And I'm afraid that from now on,
you're on the side of wrong
Remember, Sebbie, I'm Constantine the Great
Not Constantine-for-you-to-manipulate
So if you have some beef,
I suggest you sock it
Cause Sebbie, nobody's got me in their pocket
>> ALEXANDER:
Athanasius my man for goodness sakin'
You really stepped up, you saved our bacon
But the war ain't over, it will go full circle
So I'm gonna elevate you to the purple
When I was trapped, boy, you freed me
And that's why Athanasius I want you to succeed me!
>> NICHOLAS OF MYRA:
So when it comes to the council of Nicea
Hopefully this gives you a bit of an idea
Forget the rumours, forget Dan Brown
Now you know what really went down
