

Flawed - Damilola Ebony

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER FOUR

CHAPTER FIVE

CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SEVEN

CHAPTER EIGHT

CHAPTER NINE

CHAPTER TEN

CHAPTER ELEVEN

CHAPTER TWELVE

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

CHAPTER FOURTEEEN

ACKNOWLEGEMENTS

Writing this book was harder than I thought, I was in a very dark place and I would have not been able to do it without God.

I want to thank my family for the constant support, especially Blessing and Oyinkansola Ebony, you guys gave me the best reviews.

Toby Thomas who proofread this book at its rawest form. Your words were kind and you have a way of being awesome, thank you.

Chijioke Ekpunobi, you are the fuel that drove me to continue this work. You were constant and even if I have not seen you before, you are amazing. Our conversations over the phone is legit a whole mood.

Awosupin Olalare for being that person that said yes to me, when I heard a lot of No's. You are superb!

I thank you, Samson Iroko for this amazing book cover.

Olusegun Aremu for helping out.

To those who offered their advice, Oyenka Ekeh, David Ekugum and Grace Oriola; you guys are sweet.

And last but not the least, I thank you reading this book. You are brilliant!!!

Copyrights © 2019 Damilola Ebony

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author. Except for the brief quotation embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the author.

Any reference to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Names, characters and places are products of the author's imagination.

"When suffering knocks at your door and you say there is no seat for him, he tells you not to worry because he has brought his own stool"

Chinua Achebe

CHAPTER ONE

There is a voice in my head, that knows me more than I know myself. Maybe it was because of the trauma I experienced as I child. If my memory serves me well, I think it started when I was five, when my father left home. My paternal grandmother, sought her spiritual priest. Let me use the colloquial term; the babalawo's. He predicted that I had a dreadful future, that I was an EMERE. A powerful unclean spirit child who is untamable. That I was the one who prevented my parents from having more children, especially a male child. This drove my father packing and my mother licking feverish wounds.

This pegs the important question, if I was powerful; how come we lived a frugal life all through my childhood? I should be able to win my mother's affection, make her tolerate me; right? But nothing of that sought happened. Don't get me wrong, am not saying she hates me but at the same time, I do wonder if she actually loved me. My mother remarried when I was 13 years, and that automatically landed me a half-sister. My mother cherished her while she remained cold with me.

At first, I thought it was because she was angry at my father.

I thought one day I would snuggle through her hardened heart but now, I realize it was a foolish thing to think. I guessed she believed my grandmother, somewhere in her subconscious I was the foundation of my father's sins. It was a heavy cross to bear but such shit was placed on my shoulders. Maybe that woman and her Babalawo was right after all. Living with a being inside your head, is not as terrifying as a lot of people might think. Yes, it is weird but again, I believed there were things we can't understand; that are much greater than life itself. Her name was Red, why? You would find out as my story spans out with time. My name is Niniola Adekoya and my story is one hell of a rollercoaster.

Date: 22/07/2009

Time: 9:56pm

I looked out of the netted window and hoped Risi, the house help had fumigated my room. I sighed, when does it end? The feeling of being a stranger in my home. It was exhausting and I wanted to get out of here and start over somewhere. I don't like step father very much and the feeling was mutual. We tolerated each other's presence. Dwelling on it, I guess I should be grateful. I lived under his roof and I was being fed. Many might call it a win-win situation.

"if we didn't need him, he would be dead by now" the voice in my head spoke. She had a raspy voice laced with irritation most of the time.

"Not now"

"Are you still thinking about this nonsense? It has been five years now, get used to it. I know you want her acknowledgement. But don't be Stupid! She will never give you that"

"The more you talk to me, the more I am beginning to suspect you are the cause of all my problems"

"I wish I was that powerful. The things I would have done by now, and that useless mad human with cow stomach would be kissing our feet"

"I am not in the mood" I rubbed my forehead.

"You are never in the mood" she sighed, her voice clear and soft "I believe we would get into school soon and everything would pick up eventually"

"so, you think we would be fine eventually?"

"No! we are doomed. But at least it is good to be hopeful" she paused the continued "shouldn't you be praying, isn't that what you humans do?"

"Pray to God?"

"No, I meant our neighbors dog. Of course, I meant him. You can try praying again, maybe this time he will hear you"

"He never answers my prayers. I don't understand him. I am so tired, I mean doesn't he know what I want at this point? My life just doesn't feel right" I paused then continued "but wait are you sure you are not an evil spirit?"

"Well maybe you are doing the prayer thing all wrong and to answer your question, I am you and you are me. So, if I am evil, best know you are evil as well. You have asked me this question a thousand times and am tired of answering! I swear, humans sometimes are dumb"

"You don't have to call me dumb" I protested.

"This is why your mother doesn't love you because you aren't just smart. You let everyone walk over us!"

"Let's go to bed, you are exhausting" "Whatever!"

Date: 23/07/2009

Time:7:12am

I stared at my white ceiling and had the desire to stay in bed all day. But I knew better, living in this house came with rules. My mother would say 'Being idle is the alter the devil uses to preach his work'. I stood, as I headed for bathroom. I looked at the mirror and saw my reflection. I wouldn't classify myself as beautiful. Although, I was paid compliments of my pleasant features but no matter how much I stared at my image, I never saw it. I was five feet seven inches tall. Very skinny with breast that looked like ripe agbalumos. I remembered how my female classmates teased me of how tiny they were. I guess the older I got, those words stopped hurting. My shoulders had a slight arc, collar bone pronounced, holding a long slender neck. I had long high legs that would make a modelling agency want to represent me. But me being a model??? The thought makes me chuckle.

My hips were slightly curvy and buttocks were small jutted molds. I was a subtle caramel, a complexion I took from my father. I had a pregnant forehead, cheekbones and a full-lower lip. My oval face could be intimidating if the angle and moment was right. I removed my bonnet and touched my natural curls. It was soft from the coconut oil and leave-in conditioner I had doused on it last night. Shrinkage was a bastard!

Judging by the time, I bet my mother was up and about. She was a full housewife with a maid that indulged in her momentarily whims.

The smell of tea snuck in my room and I could feel Red stir awake. I sighed, as I made my way to the dining table. At this time, I was sure Gbenro was at work.

He worked at Chevron as an accountant and sometimes flew out of the country for important business. The time he went away, gave me the space to breath. I was shocked to see him at the dining table while my mother buttered her bread, Adunni sat at her small chair while Risi fed her. The four years old glanced at me and smiled. Her attention returned to the house help who patiently filled her stomach. I wanted to ask why he wasn't at work but we all knew I didn't care.

I said my greetings and sat at the table. I needed to build my façade and avoid any awkward stares that might happen. I was thankful he had his iPad, which housed his attention while I inhaled deeply praying for patience. Again, I glanced my sister. She chewed her meal loudly, softly pulling at her hair. She did that whenever she enjoyed her meal. I could perceive the elusive scent of mint and baby powder. She was such a beautiful child and if you asked me, a bit too spoilt. She was going to have a hell of an attitude when she grows.

I helped myself to a few slices of bread and egg, with a steaming mug of tea. It smelled so good Red hummed in agreement. I padded a substantial amount of garnished eggs on the bread and folded, had a bite and I slowly exhaled in pleasure. Again, the fact Gbenro was at home still bothered me. No matter how much I tried to brush off.

Had he been fired from work? But he didn't look so upset. Could he be he resigned? That thought nearly left me choking on my bread. How would I be able to leave home without his funds? The fact he wanted me gone was one of the things that kept me sane. I felt like I was the only thing keeping them from being the perfect family. I knew I could never be accepted and no matter how much that hurts, I never let myself forget.

I swallowed the delicious chunk of bread and sipped my tea silently. The rich taste of cocoa and milk flooded my senses. I ignored the sound of my mother's phone. Minding my business as usual, I knew my mother. If I stared at her too much or the wrong way, I get lashed for it. Most time I kept to myself. I noticed the deeper tone of her voice and knew instantly something was wrong, reluctantly I turned to her and saw her hard gaze on me. I froze as my heart skipped a beat, what had I done this time?

"Something good is about to happen" Red chuckled. I pondered what could be good about my mother's glare.

"Let me call you back" she hung up, her eyes still on me. "That was Ifeoma, and she said that you just got admission to the university in port Harcourt" she said in confusion.

Aunt Ifeoma had been my mother's friend for years, even before I was born. She moved to port-Harcourt after she got married and that still didn't put a damper on their relationship. They are more like sisters and that was surprising given more mother didn't like the Igbos. Hers was an exception, I guess.

I understood her confusion. When I filled out my JAMB form, I applied for a university in Port-Harcourt which my mother wasn't aware of, I spoke to aunt Ifeoma and sought her advice which she was glad for. My mother wanted me to apply to any university in Lagos. I desperately wanted to be out of the house, away from her control. I needed to be free!

"Oh, look at the expression on her face!" Red laughed "I can't wait to be away from this woman"

"I didn't apply for Lagos but port-Harcourt"

"But how..." she paused "so when you went to see her the last time, that was you writing the post jamb?" she said in disbelief. I nodded as I waited for her wrath. I hated when she was angry at me, I didn't want her to be. But my desperation was more than my fear. My hands shook as I couldn't find the words to defend myself.

"Calm down, she can't kill us" Red said irked "the worst she would do is beat us and she hasn't done that in awhile. We are old enough to make decisions" she glanced at her husband for help and the small smile on his face told her, he was impressed at the same time happy I would be gone. She knew he wouldn't be of much help.

"Gbenro, do you see what this girl is doing? Do you see how she has become an expert liar?"

"You are over reacting" he exhaled loudly.

"It is not like that mummy, please" my voice trembled as I went on my knees. It usually calmed her, that was if I was not in close proximity, she stood. Her lips thinned in frustration.

"How can you disobey me, how dare you? What did you think was going to happen? Omo ko ni e"

"Please ma, I just thought there is better opportunity for me in PH and aunty Ifeoma agrees"

"Is Ifeoma your mother? Because am not understanding the nonsense that is coming out of your mouth. Will she pay for your school fees?"

"Mummy I beg..." before I could complete the sentence a dirty slap came at me, making my sight blurry for a few moments.

"Yeeeeeeeeee" I held my face protectively.

"You are not going and that is final!" she stormed out while I tried to stifle my sobs. I placed my wet palms on my knees as I felt a soft poke. I looked and it was Adunni, with her large dark eyes gazing at me. Her lips took a down turn as it normally did when she was about to cry, she sluggishly rubbed my head then passed me one of her toys.

"Don't mind mummy you hear" I was touched that she cared enough to comfort me. I wiped away the hot tears with a strained smiled. She made me want to cry louder, to let it all out but I knew I couldn't. The last thing I wanted was to irritate anyone.

I stroked her smooth oily cheeks as she kept staring at me. I looked at my step-father as he pretended not to see all that happened. I picked myself up and held whatever dignity I thought I had. I will not break down in front of him. All I had to do was make it to my room, I inhaled deeply trying to suck back the tears that lingered on my lids. I set out for my room; knees wobbly as I couldn't imagine staying in this house one more year. I would rather jump off a cliff. Sacrifice myself to a ritualist, even slit my throat than stay home. I couldn't breathe as the air felt stiff. I kept trying to take in large chunks of air but it made matters worse. I wasn't sure if it was my teary eyes that made my sight blurry or my anxiety. I took one step at a time, hoping I could make it to my room in time.

"I will talk to her" I heard him say behind me "since we both want the same thing. You will leave this house soon" his voice devoid of emotion. I nodded not bothering to glance back. I finally made it to my room and once I was alone, I let it out as I sobbed hard. My chest went tight and my stomach queasy.

"Please God, help me please" I said through my weighty cries.

"We are going to leave this house! I promise you" Red assured, her voice assertive.

"Red," I tried breathing through my tears "it hurts so much, I don't understand. I just don't understand why she hates me this much" I held my chest as I tried muting my cries.

"Be strong! You have to be tough. We have a long way to go and we can't afford to cry at everything. You should be used to this by now. They call us an evil spirit but that woman is a demon. She shouldn't provoke me!" Red fumed.

"How can I get used to the fact my own blood, my mother despises me this much. How am I supposed to get over that?"

"Give it time" Red stated.

"Sometimes, I feel I don't even have much time left" I tried calming my nerves as I continued to speak to Red. She gave me strength even when I didn't know I had any left. I needed her!

'Age is not just a number, it is a catalogue of experiences'

Anonymous.

CHAPTER TWO

I was glad my step father convinced my mother. At first, I doubted he could change her mind but as time revealed, he was more than capable. As much as my mother hated letting me go, we knew it was the best thing for us.

I am introverted, at least that was what I thought till I experienced life outside home. It was liberating; like an un-limitless swirl of possibilities. I was drunk on freedom; the illusion of independence was almost addictive. The air smelled different in Port Harcourt, like it was almost clean. I don't know if I am meant to trust air that don't smell. Lagos was known for its rowdiness, heavy air, impossible traffic and vivacious atmosphere. Right here, in Port Harcourt felt great and oddly serene. Although, I hadn't spent a lot of time here but still, I felt I was where I should be. The fact I wasn't alone encouraged my excitement, my cousin Cecelia Anaba got admission the same time I did. It was the adventure I had waited for all my life. Now, out of my controlling mother's clutches, I could do as I please. The idea was invigorating!

I was finally in school; the freaking university and Red was excited too. I wanted to study theater art but my mother asked if I wanted to live in abject poverty. You see, my goal in life is to have a lot of money, there isn't anything special about that. But yet again, I couldn't help but think there is more to life than wealth. Sometimes, I conceived the notion of being famous; crazy right? in Nigeria, a country that builds one's mentality purely on survival. The average dream is to go to school, be comfortable, have a family and pay bills till you die. I don't want that, it was almost what my mother wanted for me. Anyways, I have time to figure things out.

Ibukun was Cecelia's mother. She married an Igbo man whom my mother initially did not approve. Being related, my mother had qualms about the eastern man, she spoke of how money-driven they were and that there was a high possibility he would prioritize her last. But no amount of convincing changed her mind, and off she went with the man who gave her financial security. To be truthful, I didn't know why my mother judged her cousin harshly; she did the exact same thing. My mother married her second husband solely for financial liberty as well. I knew the consolidation was that he was Yoruba and that justified the means. Tricky, my mother was!

Date: 12/01/2010

Time: 9:02pm

It has been a few days and Cecelia had a stalker already. He was lanky, had round eyes and his voice light for a man. She claimed he was too feminine for a male, suspecting he played for the other team. I had an eye for such things and I knew Edet loved women, maybe a little too much.

I grabbed Cecelia's hand while we thumped through the weeds that tickled our calves. We were heading to our hostel, not paying mind to Edet's attempt on being charming. He always had the wrong timing.

In school, there were lingering rumors about powerful cultist. Although, Cecelia assured me it was a ruse to stir up controversy and what not, but I bothered to take precaution. I wasn't ready to die yet, I had too much to do, and I haven't had the chance to break hearts yet.

"Babe, calm down" Cecelia chuckled "Mariam, assured me it is safe. She walks from the library even when it's eleven, we are safe"

"If you had listened to me, we wouldn't be leaving the library at this time" I frowned, scanning the clear field with caution. An eerie feeling left me restless, I couldn't pinpoint why. Maybe it had to do with the night but I just knew something felt wrong. I grabbed her hand tighter and increased my pace.

"Don't be scared Nini, I am here with you. Nothing will happen to you guys" he said smugly and I instantly rolled my eyes at him. If he thought he had a chance to date my cousin then he must be out of his damn mind.

There was something about Edet I couldn't figure out, I just couldn't place him. He didn't seem like a bad guy but he looks at me oddly, I was beginning to think he was trying to play us both. Maybe he wanted Cecilia, there in after he would have his turn with me. If that was what the case, he was in for a big surprise. I was perplexed he approached Cecelia every time I was around, what signals was he trying to send? Did he think smiling timidly at me would score him points with my cousin? That she would see him differently than the little boy he is? He must have eaten shit for breakfast. That being said, I just couldn't figure him out.

"Shouldn't you be at your hostel at this time?" Cecelia said, a little annoyed at his constant bickering.

"Can't you walk faster?" I asked irritated by her unnecessarily slow gait, she had always swayed her ample hips; it was neither the time nor the right audience. "I can't believe I let you talk me into staying this long"

"Calm down jor, you should learn to loosen up. Besides I was curious to find the prince charming the girls in the campus have been gossiping about"

"I heard he barely comes to class but somehow he always aces his exams and such. He barely talks to anybody; he is arrogant and full of himself. Do you know that he doesn't have a roommate? Like what does he think of himself? I don't' know why you all are crazed about this boy"

"That is why we love him, because he is the way he is. I hear he is extremely handsome, we all love bad boys"

"Do you hear yourself. You haven't seen this guy yet and you already going loco, who cares about bad boys? All they do is fuck up, I have no interests in such nonsense" I rolled my eyes yet again "we need to hurry; I will feel better when we get home"

"That is why you are different" Edet said to me with a small smile.

"I laugh in Spanish accent. Who likes an ugly guy, abeg?" Cecelia waved her hand dismissively.

"He might be handsome but I can assure you I am a better man than he is, I will treat you right if you are mine?" Edet imputed but again he glanced at me.

"You men and your sweet words" Cecelia said pushing her nose at him "go back to your hostel Edet, its late"

"I don't mind seeing you back to your hostel" he suggested cheerfully. It was not a bad idea; we need a man in our midst even if it was someone like Edet. The thought of my foamy bed and cotton sheets was the only thing that kept me grounded.

I walked faster as the cool air caressed my clammy skin, I still felt uneasy. Red stirred in my head and from her anxiety I could tell something was wrong.

"Nini, stop! Someone is watching. There is danger!" her loud voice filled my head with clarity. I swallowed hard as my eyes peered through the shrouded darkness ahead. I saw two dotted orange light glistering in the dark, the smell of weed swaying with the wind. I stopped abruptly; frustrated I didn't see the signs earlier on. I gasped as Cecelia bumped into me.

"Why are we stopping?"

"Someone is watching us" I whispered concentrating on the darkness, I caught something move. I couldn't tell who it was, but I was very sure there was someone lucking there.

"Stay behind me" Edet stepped forward, gently pushing us behind him. I knew there was nothing he could do to save us from what was coming, but his effort to protect us was admirable. I wanted my mother; I wanted her safe rules and confinement.

Two men approached us from a gloom corner, I couldn't see their faces properly; it wasn't rocket science to figure out they were dangerous. Cecelia started with tears and I suddenly pinched her to keep her mouth shut. They moved closer, while we stood rooted at a spot. The idea to run was strong but it didn't seem wise at the time, what if we were gunned down? All those thoughts left me sweating.

"Good evening sir" Edet spoke and from the slight tremor in his voice, I could tell he was scared, who wouldn't be? "We are going back to our hostel, I am sorry if we disturbed you in any way" if we were not in that situation, I would have chuckled. Who knew Edet could speak so respectful and well-mannered? They laughed putting out their weed.

"Don't be scared, just do as I say" Red stated.

"Bros, no they use all that kian talk scatter our head. If you cooperate with us , we go let una go" he stated, I could hear the smile in his voice. I knew having Edet wouldn't have helped, he was thin and barely commanded any presence; to them he was just a prey they couldn't wait to devour.

"Guy, move!" One of the men walked past me, pulling me out while I struggled.

"No matter what, do not scream!" Red warned "we have to bade our time so we can escape, screaming will just anger them further" she spoke.

At first, I didn't plead. I very much knew they would never listen so I struggled with him while his grasp around me tightened. To hell with Red's warning, I thought. I needed help! I screamed so loud I felt a pounding ache in my throat. Quickly, he grabbed me by the neck squeezing hard. I could hear Cecelia cries and Edet trying to negotiate with the other man, all I felt was panic. The gathering of blood in my skull, the way my eyeballs threatened to pop if he clutched harder. This was it! I was going to die without achieving everything I have ever wanted. Damn it! My mother would be so pissed if she found out I died. I couldn't see what was happening behind me, all I knew was that I could barely hear anything except the gushing of blood in my ears. He pulled me closer sniffing the nape of my neck. I winced at the feel of his tongue, the wetness and odor of his saliva was beyond irritating. My skin crawled as a haze of sweat covered me. I wish death would come quick. I couldn't bear the thought of being invaded, of being so powerless. I trembled at the thought of this monster having his way with me. How can I recover? How can I survive after this? I wasn't strong enough. I continued to fight, but I could feel my strength falter. His hold on me was quite strong.

How Edet got in front of me that quick was beyond my understanding, he shoved the studier man off and finally my throat was free. I gasped for air massaging my neck, I coughed so hard I tasted blood. Edet stood between I and the second man. Who knew he had the courage to face them? Cecelia ran to me holding on as if her dear life depended on me. The taller guy pulled out a gun directly at Edet while the other one recovered his tough façade panting with rage. I froze; it seemed everything around me was still.

"Run!" Red yelled. Before I could think it, my legs moved and I pulled Cecelia who was paralyzed at the spot, we ran like mad girls high on weed. Wobbly, with no sense of direction. I heard a gunshot that resounded throughout the open field and I knew Edet was down. I wanted to go back, wanted to help him but I knew there was nothing either one of us could do. But still, my conscience urged to me to go back and it promised the dangerous men were gone. He saved our lives, right? I should be able to help but at the same he gave his life up for us, what good would it do if I go back and those men were waiting for us? We heard two more shots go off. At first, I thought they were finishing Edet off but I got to realize it was heading our way. Quickly, I and Cecelia hid behind a big tree while she cried and shook violently, I wanted to do the same but it was not the time.

"Would you shut up! They would find us if we are not careful" I whispered.

"Edet is dead" she heaved.

"We are not sure yet, we don't know that" I sighed as an ache thudded in my head. I closed my eyes; I needed to think clearly. Fear gnawed at me, sweat slicked down my forehead dropping on my blue cotton shirt. I opened my eyes as I made a decision.

"We have to go back"

"Are you mad?" she screamed and immediately clasped my hand on her mouth.

"He needs us" I whispered, breathing hard.

"He is dead!" she said through my clenched hand.

"How do we know that? He saved us, I can't leave him there. It is the least we can do for him"

"How are you so sure they aren't waiting for us to get back?" she widened her eyeball as she looked crazed. "We cannot go back, Edet wouldn't want us to go back. He did his best for us. We have to find our way back to the hostel now!"

"I know you are scared but there is a high chance those men would have fled the scene" I said narrowing my eyes, just in case anything had changed about our environment.

"We barely escaped and you want me to go back" she shook her head vigorously.

"Leave this stupid human girl, she can die if she wants to but we can't let her drag us down. You can go back if you want, there aren't there anymore so its best you do it now!" Red stated. I was surprised she wasn't opposed to the idea of me going back. I expected an argument. I trusted her judgement, as I made a decision to return.

"Why don't you get help? I will go and make sure he is fine, if I unfortunately meet him dead, I would go straight to the hostel to be safe. Just in case you don't see me there, then know am missing" I explained to her quickly.

"I am so sorry. This is all my fault, I should have not kept you waiting, I wished we had left earlier on" she shook her head as tears streamed down her face.

"I will be alright" I didn't believe it but I couldn't just let him die miserably. Red told me he was alive, she was never wrong; and with her vivid voice in my head I ventured on. Behind the tree, I scrutinized the open field. As soon as I was partly sure the coast was clear I sprung out, running as fast as my legs could carry me. I hoped to God he would be alive when I got there, that there was something I could do to save his life. I didn't want to believe he was dead, I couldn't.

"Please God" I kept running, my throat itched from dryness and terror. I swallowed hard as I kept up the pace. As soon as I got close, I slowed down narrowing my gaze. I was relieved not to find them. But then my heart somersaulted seeing Edet on the floor, I could see no movement. Quickly, I ran to him, he was so still. It nearly drove me to the verge of insanity. I quickly placed his head on my thighs as I stared at his face, he wheezed; blood spurting from his mouth and stomach. What can I do? How can I help? I felt the warmth of his blood trickle on the inside of my thighs, I trembled as he stared at me in horror. We both knew that he a had short time to live, he tried to speak as more blood splattered forth.

"Don't say anything now. Help is on the way, don't worry you will be fine" I put pressure on his stomach and he groaned in response. It didn't help much as I could still feel him bleed out. Swiftly, I pulled off my blouse and pressed it on his abdomen. He looked at me, clutching my arm as if he was trying to say something.

"I don't want to die" he gasped. The smell of blood was fucking strong I could taste it. The tang, a rusted metal on a rainy day. I freaked out, desperately needing him to stay alive, I prayed with every fiber of my being that did not die in my arms.

"You will not die, you will be fine. Cecelia has gone to get help, am sure they are on their way. Just stay with me, please don't leave me out here. I beg you, hang on even if it's not for me, just do it for your mother" I said quickly, trying to be so strong for him but as soon as he heard 'mother' he cried, panting and writhing slowly.

"It is so painful" he managed to say.

"Tell me what to do, let me help you but I don't know what to do" I blurted out, crazed with terror.

"You came back" he said.

"It is our fault, you shouldn't be here. This shouldn't have happened. Edet what can I possible do to make this pain go away?" I almost screamed in extreme anxiety, I watched his face twist in agony. His blood was so warm, slipping through my fingers.

"It's bright" he mentioned, looking straight ahead. I froze, staring at the same direction and yet I could see no light.

"What are you talking about?" my voice quivered.

"It is so bright and beautiful" he mentioned, his eyes dazed as if he was in a wonderful trance; as if he discovered a big mighty secret of how the world worked. Slowly he looked at me.

"It has always been you" he said, no more pain in his eyes just understanding.

"What do you mean?"

"I have always loved you" he said slower than usual and with a quick exhale he was still, eyes staring at me lifelessly. I was shocked, I knew he was gone but it felt like a nightmare. I removed my hand from his stomach and blood slipped out of his open flesh. He couldn't be dead? Was that how life worked? Edet, dead? The funny, quirky and talkative guy just gone from this world forever. I touched his face and it still felt warm, No! He couldn't be dead! Although, sweaty and pale he looked as if he was asleep. But his opened eyes was the constant reminder he was gone.

"Edet, please don't do this. Just come back" I said softly, almost emotionless. It was as if he was right there. It turned suddenly cold and I couldn't shake up the feeling someone was behind me, trusting my instinct I swiveled back only to find nothing but open field. Still, the presence never left. The sensation of being watched lingered. I was alone in the dark; vulnerable to evil and whatever stayed hidden in the night. I couldn't leave his body lying here. He saved me; was my own life worth the sacrifice? I couldn't even understand why God would sacrifice his only son for us all. But now, I had a human who risked everything, for what? Me? I was not worth it. I just stared at his face, eyes still wide open in blank spectrum.

I didn't understand death, how was it that he was funny and alive, the next minute; he was dead. I held his lifeless hand that had begun to lose its warmth, I brushed my hand on his face which shut his unwavering eyes. I didn't know how long I sat there cradling his corpse. I just rocked forth and back, not shedding anymore tears. Deep down, I just shoved the guilt, pain and sadness into a vault somewhere in my mind. I heard someone call me, it was familiar but distant. It was surprising I didn't feel the need to cry anymore. The unknown energy floated around; pulsating with purpose. I wasn't threatened, it was as if it kept me company.

I jumped as I felt someone touch my shoulder, there were flashes of lights on my face. I heard footsteps and mumblings, still I was disoriented. I blinked rapidly raising my bloodied hand to shield my eyes from the fluorescent light. Help had arrived but it was too late. Slowly, I looked to my left and there she was, a familiar face out of all the strangers that had gathered about me; Cecelia. A man pulled off his shirt and covered me with it, that was when I realized I was not decent, exposed to everyone and everything. I began trembling, this was more than just witnessing death. It was something more! Something I would never ever forget.

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear"

-Nelson Mandela

CHAPTER THREE

I can remember the first time I saw Edet, his huge soulful eyes were on me. It was creepy to notice another person staring at you with unblinking eyes and mouth ajar. I looked away not sure what I should think. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Snap at him. Although, Red advised I do just that. He was skinny, the kind of guy I would never be into. At first when I saw him, I thought he was into me for just a brief moment. I shrugged off such thought as soon as it came, but deep down I couldn't deny the fact I knew something was off. I avoided him whenever our path crossed and once. There was a time he stood a few inches from me. I could see him from the corners of my eyes, but I pretended not to and just as I swiveled to give him a hard stare, he scurried off like he had seen a ghost.

I conceived a different perception when he approached my cousin, Cecelia. It made me sigh in relief. It was better her than me. I desperately didn't like the creepy attention that he showered on me. To the extent, I was willing to grasp the idea, he had been into Cecelia from the very day.

The first time noticed him, I was with Cecelia, just maybe he was not looking at me; maybe it had been her all along. I made myself belief that. After all, who would love me? Watching the life vanish from his eyes, drove me mad. I couldn't understand. Why? Why did he jump in front of me? My life wasn't important enough.

Time: 11:45pm

I didn't realize we were in the bathroom until, Cecelia started taking off my clothes. It was at that time, reality set in. Unleashing the trauma, I held at bay.

"Scrub it off" I screamed gouging out the stubborn red stains that clung to the pores of my skin. I needed to be free from this experience. The terror that slicked down my soul sang hymns of victory. I needed to be okay! Cecelia collected the blue rubbery sponge from me, as she saw how much damage I was doing my body. It had begun to blister. I still had not grieved, not accepted this had happened.

"Calm down Nini, let me wash you" she spoke with worry. I tried to calm my jittery nerves, my hands quivered and my feet tapped the cold tiled floor as she scrubbed the blood from me. I haven't cried yet? Is it normal? Was I broken already? She wrapped a towel around me as we got out of the bathroom. I knew I would be the gossip for days to come, 'the girl who held a dead boy'. 'The girl who indirectly killed a boy'. I remembered the look they gave me when I and Cecelia walked to our room. I swallowed hard, stared at my feet as I heard murmurs; some offering their condolences as we walked past them. Cecelia briefly accepted their sympathy on my behalf.

After the shower, I slowly sat on the soft mattress and I quietly picked my nails. Cecelia offered me hot tea, the cocoa milk combo. I accepted it with a nod, sipping and savoring the creamy taste. I couldn't help but notice she added more milk than usual, on normal circumstances she would have broken an arm before giving me this much milk. Cecelia was stingy, liked to receive but never to give. Why was it that people were nicer than usual when bad things happened? I remembered times when I was sick, it was when my mother did everything to please me. She made food I have always wanted to eat and to add fuel to fire, I was too sick and miserable to consume it.

Why do we take everything for granted? I could have died today, I could have been on that field bleeding. My blood telling tales of sudden horrors; but here I was in the comfort of my small room sipping on some nice beverage and thinking of what could have been, while Edet's body was on its way to the morgue.

"Don't think about it too much" Cecelia broke the silence. I looked up at her and her face was blank. I wondered how she could say such a thing? How she could keep her emotions under wraps? I pondered on how cold she was.

"How can you say that? He died in my arms" I stared at my palms, such tainted hands I have and I was scared that no cleaning would get rid of the blood.

"I know, and am sorry you went through that. I honestly understand what you must be going through"

"No, you don't" I shot back, rage boiling inside me, trickling down my spine and making its way to the depth of me. "You can never understand. You were busy cowering like a rat, while I went there all by myself to check on him. He died, I watched the life go out in his eyes" I explained but all I saw on her countenance was shame, not grief. It was pointless talking to her, maybe being nineteen made girls nonchalant. Maybe in a year, I would be just like her. The thought almost comforted me.

"I am sorry" she spoke quietly, eyes down casted and shoulders slouched. She looked up at me and there it was, what I wanted to see; sadness! I didn't know if it was for Edet, at that point in time it didn't matter. I wanted her to be affected also, it was true what they say 'Misery loves company'. Satisfied, I downed the thick sweet liquid and placed it on the floor, not having a care if ants would host their thanks for my recklessness. Down on the bed I lay, before I knew it; I was off to a world where the impossible happened.

Date: 14/01/2010

Time: 10:44am

At first, I thought I imagined things. The familiar voice of my mother and the pounding on our door. I ignored it but yet again, the noise penetrated deep into my conscious mind. My lids flung open, letting the rays of the sun pierce through my eyes. Quickly, I shut it, groaning. Grudgingly, I sat upright scratching my arm and clearing my throat.

"Break down the door" the voice snapped. My eyes went wide in realization.

"Mum?" I said in disbelief. I scrambled out of bed and ran to the door, hitting my face on the broad wooden object, I took a moment to rub my affected forehead but that did not slow me down for long. I unlocked the door as quickly as possible. There! My mother stood, hands on her waist and her eyes steaming with worry. She rushed in, observing if I was hurt. I was stunned at her presence, she being here; in my room didn't mean all was well. I was shocked I couldn't respond I just let her inspect me.

"Are you fine?" she asked, watching me. I bobbed my head looking at her. How did she get here so fast? Did her husband let her come all the way to Port-Harcourt? Did she leave Adunni back in Lagos? Did she drag her off school? Was my half-sister just a few steps away? I looked past her and was relieved to find my neighbors staring blankly at us. I bet they were expecting more juicy details to add to their morning gossip.

Stretching their long necks and darting their shady eyes. I moved to close the door and slowly turned to see the anger on my mother's face. Thankfully, Cecelia was awake now, she stared at my mother as if she wore horns of the devil. We knew how stern my mother was, she believed the end justifies the means. I kept telling myself at that moment that I was grown, that she couldn't hurt me.

My mother was a tall slender woman, she had fierce eyes, long neck and a bore the complexion of cocoa. I was two shades lighter than she was, it was a trait I got from my father. I took her height, her graceful air and her narrow chin.

"Why didn't you call me?" she asked, her voice so rigid I felt the impact.

"I didn't want you to worry, I am fine. I was going to call you today ma" I said quickly.

"I expect you to think smart. So, if Cecelia hadn't called me, am sure I won't hear from you" she paused then continued "what were you girls doing that late in the library?" she asked accusingly. I shot daggers at Cecelia and she telepathically sent an apology.

"We were so caught up with our books we didn't know it was late" Cecelia responded nervously.

"I didn't ask you" she turned to face her "I know you don't take your studies seriously. Your mother complains about how you lag behind in your studies, so don't try to lie to me. You both went somewhere, didn't you?" she frowned.

"Nooooo!" I raised my hands in surrender "Mummy, I swear we didn't go anywhere except the library" I said quickly. Fear swayed its flirty skirt, sashaying towards me in confident.

"Niniola" she called, I knew I was in hot soup "I sent you to school to become successful, to be someone great in future. Is this how you repay me? Is this how you choose to shame me? Do you want your father's family to ask me stupid questions of how I let you die?" she raised her voice and I felt my heart drop.

"If I had the opportunity you have right now, I wouldn't be where I am. I would have not been stranded when your useless father left. What would have happened if I had not met another man? We would have starved to death" she said, hands clutched to her sides. I knew it took all the restraint she had not to beat me to death, not to shove her fist down my throat.

"I am sorry ma, I didn't mean to cause you to worry"

"You could have died" her voice was shaky.

"I will not do it again I promise" I swung my hands from side to side as they dangled almost lifelessly.

"Do you follow men about? Have you started whoring yourself to them? You this girl, after everything I have warned you about men" she placed her hands on her head "and he warned me o. He told me girls lose themselves when they get to school. Is that what you have been doing?"

"I swear aunty Atinuke, we didn't go with any boy" Cecelia imputed and I nodded in consent.

"If you weren't following any boy then who was shot?" she asked, hands back to her waist.

"He was just some guy, we never really knew him" Cecelia blurted out and I turned sharply to stare at her. Was she kidding me? Was she really that terrified of my mother she would say anything to save herself? I had to sit down for what I was about to say. It was either my mother beat the soul out of me or she would give me the cold shoulder. Guess which one terrified me?

"How can you say that?" I looked at Cecelia in sheer shock. My mother glanced at her then back at me. She narrowed her eyes on me.

"His name is Edet and he saved our lives, if not for him I will be dead by now. He is not a nobody, although I didn't know him well but he was a good boy" my voice trembled as I stood for what I justified as the truth. Silence hung in the air, I waited for what her decision might be. I sat with jutted chin and determined eyes. She moved closer, as if trying to read my mind and I sat still; baring it all.

"Pack your bags we're going home" she stated, looking away. I bore witness to that glint of tenacity in her eyes. It felt like a prank, I must have heard her wrong but I knew better; my mother never joked around. I stood, with trembling hands and knees. I must admit I was scared to be in school but I couldn't just up and leave, what about my studies? What about the life I had started here in Port Harcourt?

"I can't go home" I shook my head. She swiveled dangerously to look at me as if daring me to say something wrong, daring me to insult her, daring me even to look at her in a wrong way; then I would know the stuff she was made of.

"So, you want to die here in this school. Is that what you are trying to say?" she moved closer, intimidating me with her height. My mother hated it when I talked back, when I tried to explain my side of things. It was hard standing up to a woman whose opinions were always rigid.

"I will be fine here mum. I promise I will never go out late and I will focus on studies" I pleaded. I couldn't go back to that house. I couldn't watch them play favorite with her, this was my space, my own life now.

"It is not safe here"

"Nowhere is safe but I will be fine, God has seen me this far and I know he will continue to do so. Please mum, I need to stay here and learn. I won't be able to do that if I go back home with you" I moved closer and took her hand. It was a surprising gesture, something I never did. I couldn't remember the last time I even hugged her. When I was leaving for school, I could recall her face devoid of emotion, as if she couldn't care less. She was startled by move and I used that to my advantage, I held on to her clammy soft hands; was expecting them to be callous given how much she beat me as a child.

"I am scared" she blurted out and I inhaled sharply, my mother scared? Can someone wake me up already? "You might think I don't care but I do, this place terrifies me. You are so far from home. What of if you need me?" she said quickly and I hugged her immediately, my heart thumping passionately. She froze with the sudden body contact. I could tell she didn't know what to do so I snuggled closer, as I cried on her shoulder. I didn't know how much I needed her till that moment. It was nice to know she loved me, that she gave a fuck. Slowly, her hand gently patted my back, I appreciated the fact she didn't push me away so I lingered and inhaled the lemonish scent of her perfume.

"Let me stay" I said amidst my heavy sobs.

"If I let you stay and anything happens..." she paused, catching her breath.

"Nothing, will happen"

"How do you know?"

"Because if I was meant to die, I would have been dead by now. I won't die now, so don't worry about me"

"That is an impossible thing" she pulled away so she could stare at my face, there it was; what I wanted, a gleam of tears at the brim of her lids.

"What is?"

"Not to worry. It is my job to worry" she jutted her chin, her shoulders started to rearrange itself and I knew that her impenetrable composure was ready to surface. Well, it was nice while it lasted. I nodded to myself, not because of her statement but to assure myself that I was going to be fine. She took a few steps back and turned to look at Cecelia.

"If anything happens, call me" she stated, removing her wallet from her bag. I could tell my provisions for the month would be settled, that was if I spent it wisely. She counted twelve thousand naira and placed it on my palm. She looked at me, then sighed before giving me a small smile. There was something about my mother I would never understand. Why she was always tough on me? Did her remind her too much of him? Why did she love Adunni more than me? Why did she have to be so strong in front of me? All these questions yet no answers.

"Send my regards to Adunni and him" I said.

"I will see you soon" my mother turned and walked away not even a glance back; yet again I was not surprised. I slumped on my bed sighing. Swiftly, I kicked off my slippers and went back to sleep; I was fucking drained talking to that woman.

"If you are going through hell, keep going."

—Winston Churchill

CHAPTER FOUR

Date: 18/01/2010

Time: 7:00am

I was probably the most famous girl in campus. I saw the stares, the subtle pointing and heard the murmurs. I was known as the girl who survived death. I lived every day in fear, wondering if those men who killed Edet lurked around; waiting for the chance to harm me. But yet again; the police were doing their best to catch the culprit and maybe that was what kept them at a distance; not that I had faith in the police but it was better than nothing.

I was wiser now, I never went anywhere alone. It was either; I went out with a bunch of girls in my hostel or I didn't go out at all. It was not the life I had imagined but it was what I got.

I was about to head out to class when I froze midway to the door, Cecelia was not around and I just remembered she told me she would be staying at Mariam's hostel. Cecelia was studying banking and finance; the time we went to our separate classes were not always synchronized. My body wouldn't move and my hands quivered so bad I couldn't stop it. I didn't know what was wrong with me. How did I become this person?

I couldn't breathe and my sight grew blurry, I staggered back holding my aching chest. Was I having a heart attack? I needed to breathe and it seemed my lungs didn't work, it felt as though it had forgotten on how to accumulate and disburse air. My knees went numb as I tried to calm racing my heart, I didn't understand what was happening. I rocked myself till I finally settled into a state of nothingness. I couldn't leave, not alone!

Because of my anxiety I missed class, and I kept it to myself; ashamed to share what I had experienced. There was a nagging question that wouldn't let me be; was I broken? The attack I experienced was almost soul-snatching, how could I explain it? Will it occur again? I had to admit after Edet's death, I began to feel something hollow grow inside me. I recognized the feeling, it was how I felt back home but I had always thought it was loneliness. It was as if this emotion had more depth, tracing its poisonous roots in my bloodstream.

It was evening and Cecelia rushed into the room, panting like a witch caught chanting spells. Sprawled on my bed, with a book in front of me. I swiveled to find her wide eyes on me, she moved closer. There was fear and excitement in her eyes.

"They have caught them!" she said out of breath, sweat glistened on her body the way baby oil gleamed on body builders. I recoiled from laying down on my stomach to a sitting position, my heart somersaulted the way village dancers did, practicing major acrobats.

"Slow down, what are you talking about?"

"The men that killed Edet" she paused, catching her breath. I nodded to signify I was following "They have finally caught them" she said waiting for my reaction. I just stared at her blinking several times, not sure I heard her right.

"Are you sure they have the right people?" I asked, holding my breath.

"Yes, one of them was shot dead and the other is at the police station" she held both of my hands, happiness glowed in her eyes. Of course, I was relieved but I didn't want to jinx my fate by jumping for joy.

"Are you sure?" I moved closer to her, desperately wanting some reassurance. She nodded as she hugged me tightly while I exhaled loudly with tears in my eyes. The news was overwhelming. It was a shocking fact I wasn't happy. Be it they caught the culprits or not, a life was still lost. I began wondering if I should be content or burst into tears. I was safe but there was nothing for me to be happy about, was there? Edet was dead and nothing could ever bring him back.

"I don't know..." I paused then continued, licking my dry bottom lip "I just wish Edet was alive. I terribly wish he didn't have to die" I held on to her as she stroked my back.

"Life is not fair but I hope his soul will rest in peace" she said softly. In that moment I wondered if his soul was in hell or heaven. Was hell real and if it was, did it call out for Edet? Did he live a worthy life? All these questions, and as usual no answers.

Date: 23/01/2010

Time: 6:15 pm

The Memorial Day for Edet came and I was surprised to see how many people turned up. Students had so many fond stories to share of him and how much impact he made. I found myself envious of a dead person. When I someday leave this world, I want to be remembered; I want people to have genuine good things to say about me.

I was glad to arrange a memorial on his behalf; it was the least I could do. The pastor read some bible verses and preached about eternal life. After the memorial program, I snuggled through the crowd to meet Musa, I was told Edet was quite close with him. Musa was tall, dark and handsome, he had dark silky curls and long lashes to go with.

I touched his shoulder and he turned to face me. Although, the sad expression on his face almost discouraged me, but the urge to speak with him exceeded my skepticism. I was afraid he would hate me, blame me for what happened to his friend but instead he hugged me. At first, I didn't know what to do; I felt his hard body lean on mine. I was seduced to lay my head on his chest. For a minute we stood there in silence while the world went about their business. Slowly, he pulled away and I almost missed the comfort he provided, he stared down at me. His eyes the deepest shade of black I had ever seen, which shimmered underneath hooded soft lashes. I wondered why I hadn't seen how pleasing his features were as the first glance, how safe it felt to look at him; how good it was to talk to someone who was close with Edet. There was something about him that felt right, it felt as though I had known him for a long time.

"How have you been?" he finally asked, his accent strong and quite sultry. Judging from his name and accent, I concluded he was Hausa. Nothing prepared me for his charm. Word has it that his father was into politics and was working his way to be a minister.

"I should be asking you that question" I cleared my throat, as an ache started to pulse there. I didn't know what to say to him.

"You have been through so much" he placed his hand on my shoulder and waited for me to look up at him. Slowly, I did and my eyes began to sting, my mouth moved but no words came out. Why did he speak to me as if he knew me? Why did I feel a certain connection to him? It didn't make any sense, how was he so familiar yet a stranger?

"You don't have to say anything" he said softly. I truly appreciated his understanding "he loved you" Musa said. I couldn't help but wonder how could he love me? Was that how love worked? I didn't know him at all, how could he love someone he never really knew?

"How?" I managed to say.

"I can remember the first time he saw you, he thought you were the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He stalked you for a while, watching you every day. He had practiced so many times on how to approach you but never really did" he paused then continued "he always thought you were out of his league"

"I never really knew" I whispered but the question came, if he had approached me, would I have taken him seriously? The truth was hurtful; the answer was no. He wasn't my type. I thought he was frivolous and wasn't the type of guy that would make my knees weak. I wish I had known him better. He was brave even when death came crawling. He was much of a man than I could ever anticipate.

"But he never approached me"

"He did" Musa answered almost too quickly "he said hello but he was so nervous, you probably didn't hear him. I was watching him from afar, but he just couldn't face you" he stated. I chewed on his words. I wish he pushed further, gave me the chance no matter how much I refused, just so I could get to know him.

"I didn't know, I thought he was into my cousin" I looked away.

"I was the one who advise he tag along with your cousin in order to get to you, I even tried teaching him on what he would say. Edet didn't want you to know how timid he was" he smiled fondly as if unfolding a memory that was pleasing.

"I got the wrong signals, the way he spoke I thought he was a womanizer" I huffed, shaking my head in disbelief. How could I have judged him so wrongly?

"I should have let him be who he was, funny to the core and very genuine" Musa smiled sadly, nodding his head in subtly in realization.

"I wished things had turned out differently"

"Me too but this life has no do overs" he looked away, his eyes distant as if they traveled to a destination with no name "I can't believe he is gone, that he would never be human again" I moved closer but not too that our bodies would touch, just the nearness that guaranteed one that they were not alone.

"He is an only child. His father died when he was ten and his mother was the only family he had. I can't imagine what she must be going through, how hurt she must feel"

"I thought you would be angry at me" I swallowed hard, grieve sung its deadly fangs in me again and began sucking the energy I had left. "I was afraid you would blame me for what happened to him. I wouldn't blame you, it's my fault he is dead" my voice shook as I bit my lower lip for control, it hurts as I tried barricading the heavy sobs that threatened to explode.

"I would never blame you" he made a conscious effort by touching my arm or at least I thought he did. "Bad things happen in life, that is just life. I would like to think he is in a better place" with those words, whatever restraint I had crumbled and a heavy sob tore from me.

"I don't deserve it, all this love from him" I spat out bitterly "why did he have to die while I lived? What was so special about me? He should have let me take the bullet? He shouldn't have intervened" I shook with anger. Musa grabbed my shoulders and gently tugged me, forcing me out of drowning thoughts.

"Don't say that" he paused then continued as soon as he knew he had my attention "I honestly don't know what to say to make you feel better, but I honestly hope this is grief talking not guilt. Be careful what you allow in your head, it can ruin you" he finally let go. I actually didn't expect that, I expected more of how my life is valuable and how I should never give up. Even if he had said it, I would have not listened or rather not believed him. What I was feeling was too much.

"Okay" I muttered softly "I will not" I hugged him once more and secretly I admitted it felt good, I inhaled the fresh smell of him; it was how Edet smelled the last time I saw him. Perhaps they shared the same perfume, that was not hard to believe considering roommate shared almost everything. He asked for my phone and inputted his number.

"Call me any time. I will visit you soon, just take care of yourself" he softly patted my back before walking away. I watched him and wondered what went on in his mind. After such a brief curiosity, I found Cecelia and off we went back to our room.

*

After the memorial service, I barely had enough sleep. I was plagued with terrifying nightmares; my mind kept playing back what happened that night. Edet lying on the damp ground bleeding to death. No matter how much I tried to wake him, he never responded. I always felt the same desperation and fear. I was losing my mind. I didn't think it was possible but I had begun to lose weight. My collar bone sharper than before, dark circles around my eyes and I was disoriented. I could barely sleep so I needed something to dull the pain, weaken the hurt that swelled within.

At first it was cold, that was what I could feel and almost see. Frost covering my sight, mapping its essence around my pupils; the dull deep ache settled in my socket as I couldn't move. Cold tasted of emptiness, like a state of void. I wanted to wake, needed to get away from this icy feeling but it only intensified. I was scared, willing my mind to regain consciousness.

I wondered if I was dreaming or not. The fog cleared and I found myself in an open field, the same spot where Edet died. I could see traces of blood and It was eerily quiet; it was strange I could not hear the soft whistle of the wind. Dark it was, and the earth was terribly cold. I was bare feet and could feel the dirt between my feet. I felt someone behind me and slowly I turned to find Edet watching me, melancholy bleeding through his eyes. He stared at me then turned to walk away, I was confused. Why wouldn't he speak to me? Afraid of losing him all over again, I hurried to catch up with him.

"I am sorry" I told him.

"For what?" he answered without turning back.

"That you died" I said with deep regrets. Slowly he faced me, although sad his features were but staring down at me, his face went soft.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, it was my time" he looked away as if distracted, and ventured on his quest. I followed him, wondering why he looked so lost.

"What are you looking for?"

"My mother" he stopped still looking ahead "I can't find her, I need to talk to her but I cannot seem to get out of this place" he sharply turned to me "do you know a way out?" he asked. I had no idea what he meant and I wished I had the answer to his question. He was dead; didn't that give him unlimited access to wherever he wished to know? What could possibly hold him back?

"You need to move on, it has been several days. Have you been here all this while?" How was this possible? I could think clearly in my dream, wasn't I supposed to be disoriented? Why was I even here with him? It didn't feel like a dream, more like an actual reality. Most nights all I dreamt about was cold and emptiness, it was the first time I could see him after his death. What did this mean? Why me? Was he angry at me?

"I need to talk to her, she has nobody now. I am worried about her" he continued.

"Are you sure you can't get out of here?" I asked.

"There is a door there" he pointed behind me and I turned to look, indeed there was. I was surprised that I didn't see that earlier on. It was a mahogany door, polished to the optimum detail. Every curve and edges a wave of artistry at its finest. I wondered why he wouldn't go in.

"What do you need to tell her?" I stood in front of him. He stared at me and paused for awhile; his lips moved but no words sprung forth. So, I waited patiently.

"She keeps me here" he stated, sharply glancing back. It was as if he heard something I did not. Judging from the expression on his face, I could tell he was not afraid, only desperate.

"Who?"

"My mother" he answered curtly "I hear her cries, I feel her pain and it tears me apart. I want to leave this place but I don't know how to. I know if I leave through that door it would be terribly hard for me to find her" he spoke. I didn't have answers to his questions, but I needed to say something; I owed him that much.

"We are so sad you are gone. Did you see the memorial service we held for you?" I asked, he smiled a bit then nodded.

"I didn't know I brought light to a lot of people, tell Musa not to be sad. He is like a brother to me, am sure he is taking my passing very hard. Help him move on, tell him I am fine"

"Most people die and they don't make that much of an impact but you did, even when you didn't live long enough. Am beginning to think life is all about bringing light to other people" I sighed "I didn't know you loved me, why didn't you push harder?"

"Because it was not meant to be, regardless of how much I wanted you"

"That doesn't make sense"

"It doesn't to you now, you are still blinded by so much. It is sad to see how death brings things into perspective" he looked directly at me, it was different the way he did it. It felt as if he was observing something inside me. "Don't be your worst enemy. If you don't take care, you will be so blinded by the things of this world; you will lose your soul" he spoke with so much wisdom I doubted if I was talking to the same boy I knew. This was a being that was stripped of layered foolishness and worldly perceptions.

"What do you mean?" I moved closer, ignoring the alluring frost that engulfed me as I stood close to him. Although, I had the idea to touch him but I never made the move, I wondered if he would solidify underneath my hold.

"There is something that lives inside you, it could be an enemy if you let it and also your greatest ally if you are smart enough. You know what I speak of, you have lived with it for years" he said "Don't lose priorities. Know what's important, it is the only thing that will keep you right on track" he looked back at the door that spoke of unimaginable mysteries and adventure.

"Will you be alright?" I asked and he nodded, "I will go see your mother, I will tell her you are well and everything will be fine" he smiled in response, then strode towards the glowing mahogany door. The sides shore with bright fluorescent lights. I wanted to ask one more question but I felt something yank at me, I screamed at the intensity as the unseen force thrust me into my body. Cecelia held my shoulders as I thrashed around, legs kicking and hands reaching. I had no control over my body.

"Calm down Nini, it is just a dream" she yelled, her voice pierced through my chaotic mind, eyelids flew open as I pulled her in an embrace. I cried hard, not caring my nose was running.

"He is gone, he is finally gone" I managed to say through the heavy sobs that poured violently from me. The truth was that I felt relieved, that he was okay and perhaps in a better place.

"Travelling- it leaves you speechless, then turns you into a storyteller

-IBN Battuta

CHAPTER FIVE

Date: 28/01/2010

Time: 7:05am

The nightmare reduced and I was thankful Edet never showed up in my dreams again. I knew he was truly gone but that only left a gaping hole within me. I began to wonder what Edet spoke of and if Red could really be trusted. She had been quiet, giving me time to grief. What did he mean by her being the enemy? Is she as evil as my grandma's babalawo claimed? The last thing I wanted was be in discord with Red, it was a battle I would never win. Maybe my future full of dread, was that why Edet warned me? I felt stupid for not asking more questions, I needed to know. Was my fate that terrible? I tasted the acidic tang of anxiety as it settled on the muscles of my tongue, I needed to forget. I shouldn't see the things I have witnessed and felt the things I had started to feel.

"Nini" Cecelia's elbow softly poked my ribcage and I jerked at the sudden impact, returning back to reality. I blinked several times as she stared at me oddly.

"What?" I frowned.

"Did you hear what we were saying?" Mariam said with a raised brow. She was closer to Cecelia than she was to me, they both had things in common. I found her loud and a bit too opinionated. She was tall and well-rounded in places that mattered. She had puffy cheeks, scanty lashes, and a flat forehead. She had features that weren't exceptional but somehow made her look pretty in her own way. She had grey colored teeth and just last week, Mariam had mentioned she was getting braces for her scattered formation. It was bad enough her teeth color was not flattering; to top it off with a fucked-up pair of teeth. Someone up there had faith she would work with what she had.

"She is in her head again" Cecelia rolled her eyes in frustration.

"Sorry, what did you say?" I asked feigning interest.

"We would be going to this lounge outside school and we were hoping you would like to join us," Mariam asked, with huge expectations in her eyes.

"Don't bother, she wouldn't be interested. She is distracted enough as it is" Cecelia chimed in, her voice a wavy pattern of resignation so sharp I winced "she will say no, so no need to ask her" she waved her hand dismissively. I knew she was stressed out dealing with my withdrawal and probably that hurt her, but what she did not realize was that I needed the escape as well.

"Okay, I will go" I inhaled sharply. Cecelia spun to meet my stare; a small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. Those eyes did not recover from surprise.

"Are you joking?" she gasped, her smile expanding.

"No" I smiled as well. She took my hands and hopped in excitement, while I giggled. If one should think about it, being a teenager is an experimentation stage, right? Why not explore?

"I am glad you have decided to come with us" Mariam clapped her hands in excitement "I didn't think you were the type though; I swear you will have mad fun. If I had a body like yours, I swear this campus will hear word" she said.

"Don't mind her, na so she go dey do like primary three shild" Cecelia mocked "she is one of the hottest girls in campus and she is no fun, all she knows is her book. Have you taken the time out to look at the mirror to see how fine you are?" she said with a smirk.

"We are so going to have fun" Mariam repeated and I smiled at the idea, I was ready to welcome anything as long as it distracted me.

Date: 29/02/2010

Time: 11:00pm

It was Friday already!

I have to admit, there was something adventurous about the night time. As much as it scared me, it was a fact I couldn't deny. It bore an alluring seduction that one could do hush things and get away with it.

The night air was cool and I inhaled the clean air of Port Harcourt. We wore skimpy things that revealed our young thighs and made the mind wobbly with curiosity. Cecelia was in shorts that clung to her ample hips and wide buttocks, I was in a black sequins gown that had a short bloom from the waist down to my thighs. Of course, such clothes did not belong to me, there was no way I would have such an outfit under mother's watchful eyes.

Mariam was in a jumpsuit, her nipples peered in the soft peach satin material. There were round and firm, I was sure men would ogle at her; would fall at her feet and promised her the world. Looking at her I knew what I was lacking. What I wouldn't give to have a body like hers. And here she was telling me I looked good. What was sexy about me? I wasn't voluptuous as my mates. African men love thick women, those that had a lot to offer sexually than a bony girl with high legs.

"You look great, I knew that dress would be your size. Make sure you return it tomorrow. You know say my roommate get craze for head" Mariam said as she swayed her big yansh, I was envious. I wanted to know how it felt like, having it all. As we walked, we got whistles and catcalls from men. Although, it might not be for me but still I relished it. For now, it was all about having fun, all about forgetting I had a brush with death.

Mariam was a vivacious person, she knew her way around, knew who to bribe; knew who to rub bodies with to get what she wanted. We followed her in anticipation. Judging from the eagerness in Cecelia's eyes I guessed she wanted to be like Mariam; the life she was about to taste had inspired her. Did I want this? I found myself asking. The nightlife was addictive, right? Many told stories about its seductive calls.

The lounge was doused in purple, red and blue lights; swirling interchangeably. The strong smell of weed wrapped its curly hands around me, flooding my lungs. I coughed at the sudden intrusion. The floor was squared in white tiles, and the cream walls highlighted the colorful glow the lights generated. There was a barman with a drink and a girl leaning in to testify of her hidden skills, she raised a red-heeled leg to tease anyone who made an effort to glance. Although, a small place it was but still, it was fully maximized to its potential. There was sofa close to the wall and as I moved closer, I saw cigarette burns and I knew the lights created so many wonderful illusions. I imagined the place without the flashes of colors and it would be a fucked up ordinary joint.

We took our seats as we observed the people and its surroundings. Hurriedly, Cecelia pointed to a light skinned guy by the bar. I didn't understand why but she was quick to let me know who he was. It was the yellow boy the girls in the campus went crazy about, it was at that point I knew my cousin had horrible taste in men. I could see her future with an ugly man and having baboon looking creatures for kids, that was if they unfortunately looked like their father. So, this was the guy we nearly died for. I wanted to break his head with a bottle; douse them both in alcohol and burn them like rats stuck in a trap.

I didn't understand why she was quite taken with him and I had to narrow my eyes to see what the fuss was about, to say I was disappointed again was an understatement. He was average in height and it seemed like he had bleached the humanity off him. I have to be honest, he had flawless skin for a man. His full black beards and hair created a flattering contrast with his skin, but everything else was ordinary. I was sure of one thing, there was no way she would date him on my watch. Red hummed in agreement. He was a demonic agent from the devil, God forbid!

Mariam welcomed an older guy, if I were to guess his age he would be in his mid-forties. He was tall and had a face about him that was easy to place. He smiled while he nuzzled at Mariam's neck and bosom with no care in the world. Cecelia observed them, with a shocked expression on her face. He informed us a few of his friends might join us and I could hear Cecelia giggle. I inwardly rolled my eyes, I didn't know how the night would treat me but it didn't seem promising.

Older men could be a bore, they didn't like to impress girls with anything other than money. They are reluctant to try new things and there is a vibe they omitted that made it seem like, they have seen and done it all. I wanted someone who is young and wild with adventure, there was something daring about being youthful. It's no wonder older people kept the young close and bribed them with material things. I desired someone who isn't afraid to be silly? Who is still figuring things out; so I wouldn't feel like a hot mess.

The shisha came and Mariam took in the cloudy smoke, reminding me of a slut at a random street up for negotiations. So confident, so vibrant; it made me want to try it. I finally did and it was not what I expected. I thought it would bring me sweet ignorance and an itch of madness. The way I saw Mariam had changed, it was as if I was just seeing her for the first time and boy! Was it in slow motion. Inhaling and lolling her head back, while her wig flattered her face. Exhaling and momentarily looking at me like I was a snack to be had. She had him on her leash while he did everything to please her and us as well.

Cecelia imitated her and I could tell she was getting the hang of it. At first, I inhaled lightly, holding the smoke in mouth then blowing it out. I was disappointed it wasn't as voluptuous as Mariam's, she advised I gulp in the smoke and released at my own pace. I did exactly as I was told, feeling the hot air stroke my throat; causing me to cough.

They laughed and encouraged me to go further, the more I tried; the better I became at it. I inhaled more of the flavored smoke and it did nothing to dull my mind. Drinks flowed our way and I was not much of a drinker. Well, I didn't think I was, until I had a taste. There was something about drinking that felt like salvation, liquid bliss that streamed its way through my veins, numbing my body. It calmed my crazy thoughts and left my mind bare, so empty I almost cried of the liberation that overwhelmed me. I drank and wowed at its furnace, its intrusion and loud promises of oblivion. The alcohol kicked in faster than I imagined, confusing my thoughts and quieting my demons. Someone held me, I struggled to fight the grip. I was slow to realize it was Cecelia, whispering I get a grip. My head slumped to the side while I stared into space, I could no longer think! Lord have mercy, it was a thing I welcomed.

In my state of nothingness and space-out thoughts, I saw Musa's tall form and ebony skin. It was beautiful as he glowed from the lights, he looked like an exotic creature from a fantasy movie. I was dazed to discover my admiration for the boy ran this deep, his eyes fierce, sultry lips and broad shoulders. He was a delight to watch, I shook my head trying my best not to lose my mind. He strode towards me in slow motion, I saw his teasing smile. It felt like an open invitation to a spicy love affair. Why was he here? Was I so messed up I had started to hallucinate about him? Did I like him that way? I must be imagining things; he couldn't be here. I tried to sit up but it was pointless. I felt a poke at my side.

"Stop drooling," Cecelia said sharply, I thought she meant figuratively till I started to feel the thick slime run sideways. I managed to clean it off, Musa shouldn't see me at my worst, even if it was my imagination playing games on me.

"What is Musa doing here?" Cecelia said sharply, which snapped me out of my bubbled mind.

"You see him too?" I asked turning to watch her. Damn it! She saw him. I looked around and I noticed the expected friends had arrived, I had been in my zone I didn't notice what was happening. So, I was not going mad; he was actually here at the lounge staring at me. Slowly, I turned my head and was surprised to find him close. I looked up at him and his face went soft with concern. He squeezed himself in the midst of Cecelia and others, his hips grazed mine and I inhaled sharply at the unintentional contact.

"Why are you here?" I asked, blinking several times.

"You called me" he responded, staring at me dubiously. I shook my head thinking on what he said. How was that possible? I didn't remember calling him.

"I told her not to call you" Cecelia mentioned nonchalantly, as she lavished her attention on the man with a bald head and black kept beards.

"Bitch" Red stated. She flirted like a school girl high on sugar, giggling her way to freedom. Musa made me take in a substantial amount of water. Although, groggy I was, I had started to feel the alcohol wearing off. It made me wonder how long I had slouched on the worn-out couch. Reluctant to admit, I knew I had to get my shit together. He chuckled shaking his head, his eyes were back on me and he smiled sympathetically.

"Do you want to get out of here?" I asked.

"To where?" his accent sounding too delicious, my ears tingled and my lips drawled on a flirtatious smile.

"Your hostel" I moved closer.

"Invite him to our room" Red said in a sultry tone. In my mind, I screamed for Red to remain quiet but the bitch wouldn't listen. I realized it was hard to ignore her when I am tipsy.

"Why?" he moved closer as if daring me to convince him.

"Because I think we would make beautiful babies" I blurted out. As soon as those words came out, I kicked the seductress who was relishing every moment of being free. "I didn't mean it like that," I said quickly as I saw his face freeze for seconds. Then it broke into a mirth so bright I found myself enjoying his company.

"Let me take you back to your hostel" he proposed. Musa informed Cecelia of our destination and she shrugged in response; not even caring if we flew back to the hostel. She just tossed him the keys to our room. Initially, I thought he would catch the code. My 'hostel' meant his place. I thought we would have more privacy. I was upset to find out he meant it literally. Maybe he didn't get the memo. I wanted a night with him, wanted to bury my memories in his arms. What was so wrong in that?

Exasperation flooded my head, leaving its dirty footsteps in the muscles of my brain. I pursed my lips as I shook off his support, I didn't mind falling and breaking my teeth; that was tomorrow's problem. He noticed my mood swing and respectably gave me the distance I required. I hated every single moment, contemplating on how to send a clear message that I wanted him.

As we got to my doorstep, I found myself thinking deeply on what to tell him. I collected the keys from him, trying my best to unlock the door. The more I struggled, the further I got angry; throwing the keys and kicking the door. Yes, it hurt but I needed to vent! Slowly, he picked up the bunch of keys and opened the door effortless.

"What do you want?" I turned to meet his intense gaze, he was so close I felt my body quiver at the close proximity. I froze, the little questions my mind summoned; soon floated away as black nylon did with a turbulent wind.

"Why are you like this?" he asked. A soft frown creased the middle of his brows. I didn't like him worrying about me; I didn't need it! This angered me yet again.

"Just go home!" I said coldly, wrapping my arms around myself.

"I understand what you are going through" he spoke after a few moments of silence. My head snapped and my eyes bled red with rage, I stared vigilantly at him as if warning him to tread carefully.

"You know nothing, nobody knows anything about how I feel" I yelled at him and he slightly jerked at my sudden outburst. Seeing his reaction, struck a chord of sense within me and I was startled at my instant eruption. I didn't mean it. I felt a lot of things at once and it was hard entangling it. I moved closer to him and was encouraged by his unmoving stance.

"I am sorry" I whispered, touching his lean chest. It was hard staying away from me. I began to wonder if it was the drink or just me unleashing the desire, I felt for him. I found myself admiring the smoothness of his outline torso, relishing the thudding of his heartbeat. Could he feel the same way? I caught myself thinking.

Leisurely, I moved in to kiss him, giving him a chance to refuse me if he preferred. Although, confident I was that he wouldn't reject me but still, a little doubt nibbled at the edges of my mind. His lips were soft and almost cold. There was nothing overly special about it but I needed to feel something other than guilt and melancholy. My heart lurched when he didn't respond.

Did the smell of alcohol dulled my appeal? I wanted to taste him, but his reluctance was a kick in the guts. Why I wanted him so much that night was beyond my understanding. In defeat, I withdrew and slowly opened my eyes as my lips trembled from disappointment. Tears welled up as my throat ached from restricting heavy sobs.

"Why?" I looked up at him. I hated the vulnerability I felt but my curiosity won. He stared at me.

"I know you are hurting but I can't take advantage of you like this. Edet would not approve" he swallowed hard. As he said those words, it was as if someone poured me a bucket of cold water; waking me from a lustful slumber. I felt shame, but that didn't discourage my inquisitiveness. This man intrigued me.

"Do you want me?"

"Yes" he responded after some time and I narrowed my eyes at him. It was then I saw the mighty restraint that shore through those obsidian eyes. His long lashes fanned across those dusky pools, partly hiding them. As soon as I believed him, I took a few steps back until I felt the gentle jab of the doorknob. I nodded, biting my lower lips. I didn't know what I should feel. The silence was maddening.

"I should go" "I think I need to go" we chorused then paused as if waiting for something to happen.

"I will talk to you later" he walked away without turning back. I signed in embarrassment as I wished the world would wipe out my existence, the feeling intensified when I noticed a few heads peering out from opened doors. As soon as they figured I was staring wildly at them, their doors shut simultaneously. I went inside, softly tapping my forehead on the wooden object like a complete idiot.

"What did you do?" I muttered. I was talking to Red. I could imagine her; with crossed legs and a vengeful smirk on her lips. Like she was rebelling because I had kept her hidden for a long time. I envisioned her popping berries in her mouth as her eyes shore with awakening.

I didn't need to worry about Musa or anything else, oblivion was within reach and I had the decision to take it. I stripped what I could and the minute my head touched the flat pillow I fell asleep.

"When time and space and change converge, we find a place.

'We arrive in place when we resolve things. Place is peace of mind and understanding. Peace is knowledge of self. Place is resolution".

Abdullahi Ibrahim

CHAPTER SIX

Date: 30/01/2010

Time: 11:25am

The day came like an unrelenting lover driven by devotion. The light from the dusted window poured on my face, the coolness of the morning felt like tiny baby hands gently stroking my face. I was conscious before my lids gently opened and immediately, I shut them groaning. It was torture gazing at the brightness the day offered. I felt like a witch restrained from wicked acts. Again, I opened my eyes. My sight gradually adjusting to the light.

My eyes were on the ceiling, there were brown stains mapped out at the sides. The smell of eggs fired through my numb cells; the scent of onions and curry had a way of making fried eggs taste heavenly. I stood and the headache that struck nearly killed me. It felt as though if I shook my head, I would literally die. My chest was unusually hot as if it was placed in the microwave for a minute. I growled, holding my messed-up hair. It wasn't long before Cecelia walked in with a stainless plate housing her oily eggs, her other hand held a black nylon that contained bread.

"It is today I know you don't love yourself," she said with a chord of mockery. She sat on the cold floor with legs spread apart, placing the plate in front of her. Cecelia uncovered the brown clean bread from the nylon in anticipation. It was just the way I like it; brown and slightly hard. "You didn't even lock the door. I came in so easy" she said without sparing me a glance. I softly tapped my head in frustration, with everything that was happening I should be more cautious.

"So how was yesterday?" I asked, not wanting to dwell on my recklessness.

"Heaven!" she finally looked at me. There was a glitch of worry that shore in her eyes, "you look like a mess" she mentioned and I nodded in agreement even though I had not seen what I looked like yet; I could feel it. I rubbed my face with my palm exhaling deeply as my throat still felt tight and hot.

"So, who was that guy you were speaking to?"

"He is Mariam's boyfriend's friend and he is a banker" she blushed "you were too wasted yesterday to really know what was going on. Thank God that Hausa boy came to rescue you. Speaking of him, hope he didn't try anything yesterday?" she asked with narrowed eyes and tilted head. Memories flooded my head as I remembered what happened last night, I was hot with embarrassment and this did not pass Cecelia's scrutiny. She watched me with a questioning stare.

"What happened? Did he touch you?" she frowned and her lips thinned in anxiety. I shook my head trying to get my thoughts together "so what happened?"

"I kissed him" I blurted out. I didn't mean to tell her abruptly with no juicy flow to my gist. I wanted to work my way to the final story and make her understand why I did what I did, but the headache wouldn't let be the meticulous storyteller I wanted to be.

"You what?" she gasped, her eyes wide as garden eggs.

"You heard me right and keep your stupid voice down," I said irked.

"Let me get this straight, you kissed a Hausa boy, out of all boys in this school you decided to kiss someone who cannot speak English without that useless accent. You are way out of his league, is this a pity thing? Why are you doing this?" she slightly pushed her food aside so she could stand and pace the room. Cecelia was a drama queen, had to make everything about her.

"It just happened; I didn't plan on it" I held my forehead as I prayed the pulsing ache would vanish.

"There are rich kids around and any one of them would kill to have you, yet you decided to kiss a boy with no fancy background. Your mother would definitely disagree on this" she said quickly. Of course, that was the idea she would have, our mothers had the same perception. I was getting angry at her outbursts.

"Number one, I never said I wanted to date him" I raised my voice, instantaneously regretting it.

"So, if you didn't want to date him, why kiss him? I saw the way you two looked at each other during Edet's memorial service" she froze, inhaling sharply "is this about Edet? Do you feel like you owe his friend anything because of what happened?" she spoke so quick I barely could catch my breath.

"It's not that!" I paused trying to push down the hot liquid that swelled in my chest. "It was the drink, I was drunk"

"Why didn't you say so? You had me worried for a second. All you have to do is pretend like it did not happen and he would forget about it as well" she sighed in relief "that is so good to know. We both know your mother would never approve, a Hausa man would give her a stroke" she puffed.

"Besides what is wrong with Musa, he is a human being and a very good one at that" I frowned, she was beginning to sound like my mother, the realization was astounding. I blinked several times, not wanting to believe she had begun to conceive such silly ideas.

"Wait! First of all, his name is Musa" she pointed out, rolling her neck like a chicken giving its owner a sassy attitude. "What happened to Igbo men? Even if you don't end with a Yoruba man, you just can't date Hausa; there is a sequence to this. I know your mother would want nothing more or less than a wealthy Yoruba man" she stated. I didn't understand why there was so much divisibility in ethnicity, why it mattered where he was from. Although, I hardly knew him, but he had proven to be a gentleman. I didn't like the mentality she had, I hated the fact someone was judged purely on one's ethnic group, and not their personality. So many things were wrong!

"You are beginning to sound like my mother and I really hate that" I pointed at her "besides it's none of your business" I looked at her with an ugly frown, to my dismay that didn't discourage her as I had hoped; instead it fueled her reason.

"Do you like him?" she folded her arms.

"Yes, I like him like a human being"

"Don't give me that answer; you know what I am talking about"

"I don't know yet. We just had a brief moment" I answered truthfully, I could see the uneasiness on her face as she nodded, biting her lower lip in deep thought.

"Do you plan on dating him?" she asked in dangerously low voice.

"I don't know yet, okay!" I screamed "I am just trying to figure every fucking shit out. I don't know what I want or what I feel" Suddenly, hot liquid spewed from me, violently settling all over her deliciously-steaming plate of eggs. The loaf of bread was not left untouched. I wanted to stop as I hated the fact, I ruined breakfast for the both of us. I couldn't stop the hot smell that enveloped my senses.

When I stopped puking, my knees buckled under me and I sat restlessly on the floor. Tiredly, I looked up at Cecelia and I could see the horror that clouded her face, the wrath that was forming behind those bold features.

"Jesus! Ahhhh...Jesus! Which kind of stupid girl is this? Lord, who have I offended that wouldn't forgive me?" she screamed, her lips quivered as she started crying. She was always so damn ugly when she wept; her lower lip turned outwardly revealing the damp pink of her inner mouth. And if one looked closely there was a twitch in her right eye. If I wasn't experiencing a hang over, I would have laughed.

She flapped her hands as she cried over what I had done. I knew how hard it was to eat three square meals, how hard it was for an average student to manage provisions and foodstuffs, and here I was puking on it.

"I am sorry" I mumbled, crouching into a fetal position "let me just die here, I deserve it" I closed my eyes as I hoped the world would just swallow me once and for all.

"After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb"

-Nelson Mandela

CHAPTER SEVEN

Date: 02/02/2010

Time: 06:15 pm

Avoiding someone is not an easy thing to do. I was a ninja when it came to sighting Musa, making sure our paths never crossed. So far, I had accomplished such a mission. After lectures I spent more time with Efosa, she was the bookworm that had a horrible sense of fashion. Having a splash of 'color riot' was her forte. She lent me some of her notes and I decided to kill some time writing. Anything, that would prevent me from bumping into Musa was a good enough excuse.

I pondered deeply on what I actually felt for Musa, as much as I didn't want to instigate the whole situation. I needed to know if it was more than lust. He didn't deserve uncertainty.

As soon as I knew the coast was clear, I grabbed my notes and stuffed them in my bag. I sighed and thought of my narrow bed, and how good it would feel to sleep on it.

"I hope we see Musa," Red said with a smile "we could do nasty things to him. He has the right body and he seems to be into us. Why don't we give him a chance?"

"Is that all we need him for?"

"Of course, what else would we need him for?" she said with a glint of mockery.

"I don't want to hurt him, he seems to like me genuinely," I said.

"So, you think he likes you?" she asked and then laughed hard "sometimes, I wonder how you have survived this long with these stupid ideals of yours. The thing human men want is sex; nothing more. Especially at this age"

"I don't think it's a good idea involving him in anything"

"Don't even pretend bitch, we both want that human boy. So why not just do it with him, it's not like we haven't done it before"

"You would want that, wouldn't you? Slut"

"At least am not a hypocrite, I want sex and I stated it but I don't know why you are pretending. Remember I am here and not going anywhere. Besides, I hear Hausa humans have big goodies" she said and I blushed at the thought.

"I don't think that applies to all Hausa men"

"Oh, so you are interested. Why don't we find out? Call him, we have his number"

"No, he would think I am cheap"

"In this life, you humans are cheap when you desire things. I would like to experience sex again, maybe take control this time" she paused then continued "you know what your problem is? You overthink everything! We have been under your mother's control for years and now we are free. Is this not our chance to make mistakes and learn from them? Let's explore! We can do this!" she said.

I didn't agree with her a hundred percent, but she inspired me to live a little. It was surprising to find out my mother still had her claws in me from miles away. I was afraid of what she would think, how she would see me. Again, I asked myself; why did it matter? Nothing ever pleased her. Life was short, why don't I see how things could go with Musa? I liked him, right? That should be enough.

"Okay I will talk to him but not now, let me sought things out first" I sighed and felt the rush of adrenaline pound in my veins. I was actually excited. I savored the fact someone liked me; that there was some chemistry between us. This could be the beginning of something great but for now, he was the distraction I sought. He was a better option than alcohol, wasn't he?

"Niniola" a voice broke my train of thoughts. That voice I recognized too well, the accent was unmistakable. A sweet chill ran down my spine, I began to sweat as I didn't expect to see him so soon. I needed to think of what to say, I wasn't ready yet. Slowly, I faced him. There he was, black, tall and cute. I paused as my mind revisited the night of our brief scintillating kiss.

"Hi, wow! Musa, I didn't even see you" I said quickly, scrambling for what to say next "how was your night? Have you eaten? Is everything alright with you?" I blurted. Yes, I knew I was babbling but I couldn't help myself. He made me nervous. Musa narrowed his eyes at me, wondering if I was okay.

"I am fine, I have eaten and my night was short" he answered so effortlessly, perhaps I was the only one feeling hot at that moment.

"Oh, that's good to hear? Have you eaten?" I repeated again and I almost slapped my forehead in embarrassment.

"Are you okay?" he moved closer, concern etched on his face. Subconsciously, I took a few steps back. He froze at my action, I knew he felt the maddening sting of confusion but I needed space to think wisely.

"Have you been avoiding me?"

"No, me? What?" I chuckled, dashing a soft poke at his chest.

"I need to speak with you"

"Me too but you can go first" I smiled at him. If he planned on saying what I intended, things would be much easier. It would be better coming from him, so I stood to face him as my toes wiggled in anticipation. I swayed a bit, battering my lashes at him in an open invitation.

"About the night we kissed" he paused then continued "I know it was a mistake and you didn't mean it. And please forget what I said about desiring you. I think the crazy night got the better of us. I don't want this to ruin our new friendship and at the same time, I also don't want to take advantage of you at this vulnerable point in your life"

"I..." I started to say but he cut me off.

"I don't need you to hide from me anymore. Trust me, I plan on forgetting everything that has happened, so you don't have to worry" he said, nodding as if convincing himself he made absolute sense. I just stared at him with an open mouth, wondering how a boy could be so stupid and not see I truly desired him. Did he not see the signs? I admit, I was drunk when the kiss happened but I believed we shared a moment before that night.

"Fool!" Red spat in fury "he doesn't deserve our attention. We are better off without him. A man that would chicken out so fast is probably not the best fit for us. He just dug his grave, walk out on him! He is dead to us!" Red was less tolerant than I was. Fuming like a bull restricted by a cage. I imagined her pacing, out of her mind with anger.

"Let me get you straight, you want us to be friends because you think I don't like you and me kissing you was a bad idea?" I summarized his rubbish explanation.

"Why are you still talking to this bastard?" Red yelled in my head.

"Keep quiet," I thought in my head.

"You don't have to say anything you don't mean, okay?" he cut in. I didn't know how much I wanted us to happen till he dropped the bomb, didn't he desire me? Am I not his type? What was happening? Was he faking it all? Did I read him wrong? As much as I didn't want to admit it, my heart ached. I blinked several times; not sure I knew the right words to say.

"We didn't read him wrong; he is just too stupid to make any move. This guy is not worth it abeg" Red said.

"So, you want us to be just friends?" I said very carefully, outlining each word. My eyes pleading, he does not ruin things before it even started, that he gives us a damn chance.

"Yes," he sighed as if a huge weight had been lifted off his broad shoulders. My heart sank as I feigned a smile nodding in agreement.

"Okay then, am glad we cleared things up. I need to go back to my... urm I have to study" my hand tightened on the handle of my bag. At first, I didn't know what to do, I didn't understand why he thought the way he did. Was something wrong with me? I needed a drink and I needed it pronto.

"I will see you around" he smiled and I walked away with a frown. I didn't look back even when I had a strong feeling, he watched me. Everything I thought was wrong with my life; started haunting me. Begging for love and attention was what I did all my life and it got me terribly depressed. My father leaving and my mother being so harsh on me; blaming me for his absence. The last straw that broke the farmer's back, was Edet dying in my arms. The fact I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere terrified me. A drink will fix me up, it would quiet the voices, memories and fill up the hole within me.

Instead of heading back to my hostel, I branched at a pharmacy just a few blocks outside the campus. He was a man who sold drugs with no certification to back his skills. He was just someone who knew his way around drugs. He owned a small shop with chipped off cream walls. All kinds of medicine stacked in transparent cabinets. The smell of drugs turned my stomach.

He was a kind of man that had a funny face, with a wide nose and a big mouth. One could tell he had started to bleach his skin, and he wasn't doing it right. He reminded me of a rejected sacrifice offered to an arrogant god. He was pale and black spots left by acne had started to leave its trail; shooing away any charm he had left. His eyes were kind and dark, to top it off he was short and bow-legged. There was a mini speaker close to him that played an Igbo song, if I were to guess the genre it would be gospel. It had the high-pitched melody and a clapping sound at the background.

"I need a drink," I told him and he accessed me fully with a smirk on his lips.

"What type?" his nasal accent filled my ears. I looked at the top shelves, at the colorful brands of alcohol and stood there second-guessing each one. I hadn't figured out what type of drink I liked yet.

"Let me give you Don Simon, it is erm... sweet and has alcohol too" he suggested opening his small fridge extracting the carton drink. "Trust me, you will like it. It is soft and sweet just like you" he smiled and I wanted to cringe. I didn't need soft and sweet, I needed the hardcore shit that will get me buzzed. Give me that, I pointed to a bottled drink.

"Vodka?" he asked dubiously, eyeing me in such a way that questioned my judgment. I nodded, still searching for more to buy. I pointed to the golden-brown liquid that wrote whiskey.

"Give me that one too" I ordered. He picked them out and bagged it. His eyes unwavering; looking at me as if I sold my soul to the devil. Not that I cared, his thoughts didn't matter to me.

"I get condom if you need am" he chimed in. I stared at him blankly, what did that have to do with buying drinks? What was he insinuating?

"Just pack the drinks," I said coldly with a frown on my face. He did as I ordered. In that second, I knew I didn't like him but also there was high chance I would be back at his shop. Judging by the way he looked at me; I could tell he was aware of that fact as well. It would be unwise to be rude. Word has it, he sold the good stuff. I shoved the drinks in my bag, even if it meant removing some books to make enough room. As I walked back to my hostel, there was a peace that came with knowing I had something to rely on; a thing that could take away my troubles even if it was momentarily.

I entered my room ready to pop the bottles, but a steep disappointment knocked me off my feet. I found Cecilia on the floor. Actually, surprised to find her in, she was usually out with her older man friend. I was supposed to have enough privacy, to drink myself to stupor. I felt like a male teen, who had discovered the wonders of porn and couldn't wait to explore. I was scared she would judge me or worse, report me to my mother. The last thing I wanted, was her around. I inhaled sharply trying to build my patience, when Red was still sulking from the conversation with Musa.

"What's up?" I tried on a smile. She swiveled to look at me and the expression on her face was gut-wrenching. I was so focused on getting wasted, I didn't notice Cecilia was sobbing quietly. Her eyelids were damp and swollen, eyes a flush of pink and her lips quivering. I carefully dropped my bag and books on the bed, as I went to comfort her.

"What happened?"

"He cheated on me?"

"Who?" I asked in confusion.

"Chuma!" she said forcefully. Then it clicked, the middle-aged man with bald the head. I almost hissed because I thought it was something important. It wasn't as if she was expecting him to be faithful; was she? I almost rolled my eyes at her. She braced her knees to her chest, sobbing loudly.

"Have you told Mariam?"

"Yes, I did and she laughed at me. She said why would I bother to fall for men and that it was my mistake" she sobbed harder, "she said I needed to make such a mistake, so next time I would be wiser. She thought I was seeing Chuma for his money" she explained.

"Weren't you?" I asked, she turned to look at me as if I slapped her but when I raised a brow, she looked away.

"Maybe at first but that is no longer the issue, I really do like him" she pouted.

"You should stay away from Mariam, she is bad news"

"Sometimes I hate that bitch," she said through her clenched teeth "but I thought he was different"

"That is what grown men do, they cheat. The more they grow, the more they can't keep it in their pants"

"But I do like him very much. I gave him everything" she said amidst the heavy sobs, she shook her head closing her eyes as tears poured from her lids. I was angry at that bald-headed freak; I knew something was off about him the moment I laid my eyes on him.

"Wait! What do you mean by everything?" I asked, watching her closely. She didn't respond, only cried harder. "Did you sleep with him?" I asked, not sure I wanted to know the answer. She stared at me as if I was small-minded, of course she slept with him. Dating a man that age only led to grown people's drama and heartache which was far worse.

"He said that if I love him, it was the only way to prove it and besides I didn't want anyone taking my place" she wiped her wet face with the back of her hand. I was upset, angry at her for trusting him so easily. Although, I was livid but there was nothing I could do about it. I walked up to my bag, brought out one of the drinks.

I placed the Vodka on the carpeted floor, which brought in a questioning look from Cecilia. Ignored it I did. It seemed we both needed to forget and she should even thank me for offering her drink, not staring at me suspiciously. I searched for two plastic cups, poured a drink and offered her the yellow cup. She accepted it with grace taking a big gulp. I smiled, that's my girl.

"Where did you get this from?" she smacked her mouth, staring at the liquid.

"A friend gave me" I blurted out.

"I like it" she nodded softly.

I took a sip and welcomed the sweet burn "Me too". I felt my fingers and toes tingle. Yes! The buzz was coming. My muscles started to relax and the tension I felt dissolved.

It was amazing, with each sip my mind began to lose its focus.

"Just forget about him, you are still young and am sure any man would be lucky to have you," I said slowly and I could hear the slur that resounded in each word.

"By the way, Hausa boy came to look for you" she stared at me accusingly.

"Did he tell you why he was here?" I felt my heart skip a beat. She shook her head, taking another sip.

"I was not exactly nice" she sighed "I don't know what you see in that boy" she shook her head.

"Why do you hate him so much?" I asked curiously.

"Have you listened to the news as of late? Do you see what is happening in Maiduguri and other northern states in Nigeria?" she asked. I was aware of Boko Haram, it is an Islamist group terrorizing the country, I have heard of their brutality; their senseless thirst for destruction but what did that have to do with Musa?

"His people are doing this? He is Muslim and to top it off, a Hausa. Why shouldn't I hate his kind?" she said "They killed my mother's childhood friend with a bomb, they are just evil. They can turn on you anytime" she explained with so much hatred I winced; I couldn't tell if she would have spoken the truth without the alcohol.

"Is that how you truly feel?"

"It is how a lot of people feel" she responded, taking a long swallow.

"You can't judge him by the deeds of others, it's not fair," I said.

"Why not? If he came from an ethnic group that would do that to so many innocent people, how am I sure he wouldn't do the same thing? How can we be sure?"

"What if your father killed someone, should you be held liable for his sins?" I asked.

"Of course not" she blurted out then paused, seeing a bleep of sense in my statement. "This is different" she looked at me.

"How so?" I asked but didn't wait for her response "What if it's Igbo people killing? And someone judged you, the way same way you did with Musa. How would you feel?" I asked, her words were harsh but I did understand her need to blame someone, be it justified or not. She did not speak for awhile, she just sipped on her drink.

"I guess I will feel bad" she finally spoke.

"That is exactly how he feels. Evil knows no gender or ethnicity. Evil is evil" I pointed out "I don't know about other Hausa men but Musa is a good guy. He didn't take advantage of me even when I was vulnerable, how many men can do that? You might choose to hate him but I will not judge him by the cruelty of his people. This is why there is so much hate and divisibility in this world" I downed the remaining liquid that slept in the cup and poured another drink.

"I guess you are right" she raised her cup and I topped up her drink. We just sat there, not a word more as we drank in silence.

"Age is getting to know all the ways the world turns, so that if you cannot turn the world the way you want, you can at least get out of the way so you won't get run over"

Miriam Makeba

CHAPTER EIGHT

I couldn't get Musa out of my head. His dark skin, smooth as silk and body just as hard as I needed it to be. He made me feel things with those eyes; that went with long spiky lashes and don't get me started on that gleaming curls on his head. I understood the fact that he was friends with Edet but I wanted us to work. I know it feels unfair that I want his friend but no matter what I do, Edet would not return to us. He was gone forever, I am tired of feeling miserable. Maybe it was just me imagining things but I knew he felt something for me.

"Why are we still thinking of this nigga?" Red sneered.

"I can't help it" I groaned, burying my head underneath my pillow. Yesterday, I saw him and we made eye contact. Sparks flew and my stomach rumbled in desire. I wanted to run to him, kiss his lips. Tell him how much he occupied my mind lately. I wondered how it would feel to possess him, to own him all to myself. I wanted to stop thinking about him but no matter what I did, he found a way to sneak into my head. He hurt me when he asked us to be friends, when we could be so much more. Now, that he had rejected me I wanted him more. What the fuck was wrong with me? Why was I acting like an animal on heat? Is this because I can't have him?

"Just forget about him"

"I am trying" I protested.

"You are not trying hard enough" Red yelled "all you think about is that Musa. I get he is handsome and I wouldn't say I don't want to hump him, but I do not want us wasting our time. The last thing we want is pursuing someone's love or acceptance"

"Don't you think I know this?" I screamed, grabbing a chunk of my hair in frustration "do you think I love being rejected?" my voice trembled as my chest tightened.

"See," Red sighed, she paused for a moment before speaking "I know this is hard but we have so many things to look out for. Let him go! I just have a feeling all this might not end well" she said in a calm voice.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything"

"Do you think he likes us?" I asked and I could feel her roll her eyes in defeat, sighing heavily. "I know you want me to let this go but I am just finding it really hard"

"Why does it matter what my response is? I don't think it would change anything"

"I just need to know" I paused then continued "so, do you think he likes us?"

"I think you know the answer to that question"

"I trust your instincts. It has never stirred me wrong before. So, tell me" I asked impatiently.

"Yes, he likes us. Well he likes you given he doesn't know about me. Happy now?"

"No, but it makes me feel better" I smiled a little. He might run away from me but he can't hide. I was exhausted from feeling alone and rejected, I don't want to play the victim anymore. If this past few weeks has taught me anything, it was that life was too short and it could end at any god damn minute; might as well make the best of it. I had decided, I wanted Musa and Musa I was going to get. A smirk formed on my lips as I orchestrated how to seduce him. Red muttered a few insults but later surrendered to my plan, knowing how brutal my determination was.

Date:5/02/2010

Time:4:57pm

I patiently waited outside Musa's class. My heart thumped and my palms grew sweaty as the very thought of him, made me long for him. I wasn't sure my plan would work and now that Red was on board. I was a bit more confident. I was under the shade of a tree as I watched the entrance of his class room.

"He should be out any minute" I reiterated. As soon as I saw a few students out, I narrowed my search for an ebony god. I felt Red rolled her eyes again, knowing how well I liked to

exaggerate things.

"Ebony god my foot" she hissed.

My eyes finally found him and my smile shattered when I saw Musa talking to a girl, if I am to admit she looked very ordinary. She had a blue blouse with a mousy brown skirt to match. Why did she remind me of Risi? The house-help back at home. Jealousy flooded my veins as I watched her giggle.

"Who is that bitch?" Red said possessively. I felt her sharp focus on the girl, accessing her cautiously.

"Who knows?" I muttered, frowning so hard my brows ached.

"Who does that whore think she is, moving close to him like that?" Red spat in fury.

She gently touched his arm in a flirtatious manner, I felt threatened. That an odd girl would take my place; I couldn't let that happen. Instantaneously, my legs moved without permission. I didn't know when I touched his shoulder and he turned to find me staring. He smiled in surprise, it was then I realized I had walked all the way without considering what to say.

"Speak bitch!" Red commanded "you better don't screw this up for us"

"I thought you were not into him?" I said in my head.

"Just face your business, and let's move forward"

"Hiiiiiiii..." I sigh with a wide smile.

"Nini" his smile widened. Blood of Jesus, I caught chills from the way he pronounced my name. His accent, strong and dark. I looked deep into his eyes ignoring the girl who stared at us before leaving in exasperation. I could feel Red hum in victory. She was very competitive and liked to celebrate every win. I looked longingly at him while he moved closer, his stare caressing every cell in my body.

"I haven't seen you in awhile, did your cousin tell you I visited? I was thinking of stopping by today" he adjusted his bag on his right shoulder. Damn it, I should have waited. I knew I had to control my emotions. I didn't want Musa to think I was too into him.

"Oh, yes she did" I looked away nonchalantly "I thought you didn't want to see me"

"Why would you ever think that?" he stared at me trying to make eye contact. He softly touched my chin, slightly raising it so I would look up at him. He was a marvelous stretch of six feet four, and I was barely five feet seven "why?" he asked again.

"Our last conversation wasn't smooth" I shook away his hand.

"Bitch, why are you going off plan? I thought what we discussed was to seduce him" Red asked perplexed "don't act like you are his girlfriend, you are not. Do not let emotions get the best of you, not yet" Red said.

"Nini, I hope you do understand where am coming from" he said. Musa smelled of sandalwood with a bleeding hint of citrus. I had never perceived anything like that before. His scent had change right after Edet's memorial. The last time I was with him, the imprint of his perfume resonated through my senses, reminding me of our last adventure. I wanted to hug and sniff him without shame.

"I do but that doesn't make things easy" I nodded.

"There is something he is hiding from us" Red stated "looking at his eyes now, there is something else holding him back. I can't place it yet"

"Are you sure it's because of Edet?" I asked and for a brief moment, I could swear I caught him startled.

"Why you ask me that?" he said, sometimes his English sounded incomplete but like I mentioned, it held its charm. This was getting to much for me to handle, Red was on my nerves and I could barely think. I just turned and walked away, ignoring his calls. I needed to throw myself off a bridge, life was just hard enough.

Time: 4:13am

My eyelids flew open as trepidation filled my veins, something was terribly wrong. A film of sweat covered me as I tried to understand what was happening to me. I couldn't move my limbs, not even my lips to call for help. I needed to move, do something; anything!!! I grunted as I made my best effort to move my mouth. I wanted to scream for Cecelia but then, I remembered she wasn't in. She went out with friends. This was the worst time to be alone.

Every second that passed, reminded me I was not in control of my body and that left me frightful. Tears settled in my ears and there was an ache that swelled in my throat. I was all alone, feeling an energy compress me so hard, it felt as though my ribs would break at any moment. What the hell was happening to me?

"Red" I panicked mentally. Red jolted awake.

"Be calm" she whispered "it will pass. Work on your breathing, do not be anxious" she spoke calmly.

"What is happening?" I thought, screaming in my head. "please God help me. Please" more tears slipped as I tried my best to move. As time passed, the pressure reduced. I gasped, relieved I could move some of my fingers.

Slowly, my body became mine to control. I hurried from my bed as fast as I could and sat at the corner of the room, crying so hard I thought my heart would give out.

After what seemed like an eternity. Reluctantly, I stood facing the narrow long mirror. Staring back at the haunted girl with fear in her eyes. That was not me, it couldn't. Why was this happening to me? I blinked, feeling the stiffness of my eyelids.

"Did I imagine that?" I spoke out loud.

"You have been through so much, you aren't dealing with your trauma"

"I am fine" I rubbed my arms for comfort.

"Obviously you aren't"

"Red, at this point I don't believe anyone can help me, so why don't you shut up and let me think" I screamed. Running my hands through my cornrows. I was shocked to discover she did as I commanded. It went quiet in my head, while the feeling was liberating it also strengthened the crawling sensation of panic.

I was alone and that was more terrifying than death. I burst into tears. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me; and if I could even make it past the first semester of my academics. Life just got real!

"I refuse to live my life in fear... The secret to life is to have no fear."

-Fela Kuti

CHAPTER NINE

Have you ever felt an undeniable need to be with someone and it's all you think about? With everything going on in my life, the thought of Musa was the only thing that made sense. Red still held a grudge, she hardly forgave.

She barely spoke to me unless spoken to, this didn't sit well with me. I tried apologizing but she wasn't haven't it. As much as I wanted Musa, I avoided his calls at all cost. After our last conversation, I had begun to think he was not the right fit for me.

Date: 12/02/2010

Time: 7:52pm

I placed a steaming bowl of beans porridge in the middle of my legs, while I sprayed garri on it. I was about to dig in that's when I heard a knock on the door. Dwelling on the fact I shouldn't be getting the door, I was disappointed Cecelia barely spent time with me. All she did was hang out with friends and classmates. I needed her! We were supposed to be a team, to talk through our problems not run away from it. We promised to be best of friends and also to never let anything come between us.

Situation with Red became worrisome, she was only thing I had trusted all my life. She was important and I just wished things would be better between us.

I opened the door just to find Musa standing tall and troubled. My heart skipped a beat and my stomach went quaky.

I watched him adjust his posture. He licked those plumb baby-pink lips nervously. I adored the contrast between his black skin and flushed mouth. I went dreamy and bombarded with all sorts of feelings.

"What is he doing here?" Red said. I was so grateful to hear I speak, I sighed in relief.

"I don't know" I thought back.

"What are you doing here?" I asked Musa.

"I can't stop thinking about you" he said out of breath. Those words made my knees shaky, I prayed for self-control. What did this mean for us?

"Musa, I don't think you should be here. What you've said is enough, and I do understand even though I might not like it" I said sharply, which surprised me considering what I was feeling on the inside.

"Can I come in?" he asked with puppy eyes. What was happening? The last time he was at my hostel, he barely wanted to come in but now, he was inviting himself in.

"Bitch, let him in!" Red said hurriedly. Slowly, I let him in as I stared at him dubiously.

"Nini," he called, turning to face me. Lord, his accent was doing something to me again. Making my heart beat like a drum and my stomach pool with desire. I cleared my throat as I appeared unaffected. "I can't get you out of my head, i..." he paused, watching me.

"Musa, you turned me down. You said..."

"I know what I said" he cut me off, moving close to me. I gulped hard as his scent wrapped it's invisible hands around me, I was seduced already. Waiting patiently for him to make the move. I had to be sure he wanted this just as much as I did. His warm large hand trailed my cheeks down to my collar bone. I shivered in anticipation, closing my eyes to savor the tingling feeling.

"Look at me" he said and slowly, I opened my eyes to watch him. Those dark puddles of wonder gazed down on me. He looked at me as if I was water that would quench his thirst, his mercy to his salvation. That I was important, I was to be seen not ignored like I had been most of my life.

"Musa, what do you want?" I asked.

"You!" he sighed, shaking his head unbelievably "I have tried to ignore and fight my feelings every day. I tell myself that I shouldn't allow myself to be with you" his voice had a slight tremor. I moved to touched his hard-lean chest, and it felt so good. I wanted him so bad my lady parts pulsed.

Have you ever felt such ravenous hunger for someone? To desire them to the point it feels insane? I didn't know it ran this deep! That such feelings existed. I can't be the only one; can I?

"I know it's because of Edet and trust me I do understand, I mourn him every day but I just can't fight this" I placed both hands on his torso, slowly running through muscled corners and curves.

"It's more than Edet" he spoke, that definitely got my attention. "I am afraid I would fall deeply in love with you and I cannot afford to. I was the one who noticed you first. I remember feeling this intense emotion just staring but when Edet finally saw you, he desired you too much. I just let him..." he swallowed hard.

"That's all in the past, you can have me now. I am right here" I inhaled his scent, moving past his cotton shirt and caressing his hot bare skin. He closed his eyes momentarily, sighing in pleasure. He pulled me in a kiss so stimulating, my toes curled in desperation. I sighed into his mouth as I licked and suckled at his soft ample lips. Blood of Jesus! I wanted to rip him apart and somewhere deep inside my mind, Red hummed so loud I felt her vibrate. I could tell as much as he wanted me, he held back. To be honest, I didn't know what to do. My first experience was clinical, painful and quick but this was different. I felt his hard rod probe my stomach, jerk readily in excitement.

"Let me take the lead. Let me do this for us" Red stated. Kissing him, I let Red slick out of the corner of my mind and out to the real world to play. It was the most magnificent feeling I had ever experienced. Power reverberated through every pore embedded in my skin. Red felt like the true me, and I loved it! For the first time in my life. I felt her vibrant energy first hand and even though there were moments I doubted her existence, right there I believed we were truly one!

I saw and felt everything while Red led this dance. She withdrew from the kiss, looking deep into his eyes. There was a certain way he looked at me; as if he saw something worth looking at. Awe shot through him; I knew it as I felt it radiate through him. Red grabbed him by the chin, latching her hungry mouth at him. We both felt him relinquish control. Passion painfully hot it could burn down a bloody house.

There was an unexplainable feeling, it was as if he was mine. That he was created solely for me. Red tore his shirt. I didn't dare stop her, I didn't want to. Musa gasped in shock and desire as he let Red dominate. She pushed him on the mattress, as he watched her intently.

Red smirked at him and I smiled internally, adoring her in all her shimmering glory.

"Let's do this, shall we?" she said and Musa, nodded. I could tell that message was for me. Slowly, she removed our tank top and wiggled out of the shorts. He puffed while he watched us naked. We sashayed towards him, while his eyes never left us. We loved the attention. The fact he worshipped us.

Hurriedly, we unbuckled his belt and started with the zip on his faded blue jeans. His turquoise boxers revealed a bulge that made our breath shaky. This was the chance we were waiting for, to find out if Red was right. In anticipation, I stroked his leanly muscled chest. It held a mass of silky hair matting the middle of his chest, sparsely elongating down his briefs.

"I want you so much" his accent became thicker. Red pulled down his cotton underwear, ready to expose his dark smooth rod; which glistened in the light. It was breathtaking, we grabbed it ensuring our eyes didn't deceive us. That he was as big and hard as we witnessed. The cap was lighter, indulging in a flushed pink which was oddly beautiful. His skin felt warm and I could smell hints of soap.

His eyes were darker than usual and for a moment we reveled in the fact, he was ours! At our mercy.

"I told you he was big" Red sighed in victory. Red and I wanted different things. I wanted it to be more than exploring each other's bodies, but Red on the other hand wanted power, passion and sex. At some point, she felt what I needed. Reluctantly, she let me connect with him even though she was against it. We sat on him, stroking him with precision. We move to kiss his forehead, cheeks then his soft lips. I loved the way he tasted, his machismo scent got my head spinning. He made a move to touch my breasts, teasing my puckered nipples.

"You're beautiful" he mentioned "jikin ka/ki kamar zane" he spoke in Hausa, which triggered every sense in my body. We didn't need to understand what he said, it felt beautiful nonetheless. He grabbed my buttocks with urgency as his protruding rod grew harder by the minute. We knew he didn't want to rush, but we saw the ache he experienced as he explored our body.

Slowly, we guided him inside us and he gasped in incredulity. His mouth ajar and eyes went wide and pleading. We just waited, feeling our inside accommodate his full form. We felt our tunnel tighten around him and from the glorious expression on his face; we could tell we had tortured him long enough. He grabbed our waist, adjusting himself so his mouth latched on our breast. Teasing and sucking, while we sighed in pleasure as we felt a strong energy cocoon us.

He nuzzled on our neck inhaling our scents, moaning heavenly as he held us tighter. Any more, we felt as if we would break in half. Red grew impatient, she had enough of this torturous foreplay. She pushed him, withdrawing and plunging back to welcome him. He cried speaking in Hausa, prophesying something strong and unbreaking. She repeated, clawing at his chest and riding him without holding back.

She grunted placing a certain pressure on him, so he would not interrupt by trying to kiss her. I knew at that point it was about Red and what she needed. I let her have it, while I felt the urge to reach climax. It was as if I was going to explode into tiny bits and nothing would be able to put me back together. I saw the beseeching look in his eyes for release, he was almost there; we were almost there! She rode him till we all cried from climax.

Red was gone and I remained on his chest, skin to skin, legs entangled and heat enveloping us in a protective sheath. I could tell she had retired and was probably too satiated she was hibernating. This felt right! My God, it does.

Laying on his silky-haired chest reminded me of many romance movies, where the female-lead caressed her lover in great satisfaction.

"Nini," his voice vibrated through his chest, I hmmmed in response "do you regret what just happened?" he softly stroked my hair. I adjusted, so I would look deep in his eyes. Where was this coming from?

"Do you?" I asked, a frown slowly creasing my brows.

"Never, I just want to be sure we are on the same page" he smiled, throwing me a kiss. "I want you more than I ever wanted anybody"

"You gave me a scare, I thought you were regretting things" I smiled "I do no regret a single moment" I was about to place my head back on his chest when he stopped me.

"I am curious" he said quickly "look at me" I did as he commanded. He observed me keenly, clenching and releasing the creases at the corners of his eyes.

"What is it?"

"When we were doing it, I could swear the colors of your eyes changed" he stared at me perplexed. My heart froze then it skipped a beat or two, as I swallowed hard. Could it be he saw Red? How did she look? Wait, I was probably overthinking it. If he saw another face, there was no way he would remain intimate with me.

"Really?" I chuckled, which made him narrow his eyes at me "to what color?"

"A very light brown" he said, thinking on it "like the color of a lion's eyes" he said

"It must have been the light of the room hitting the corners of my pupils, perhaps that was what changed the color of my eyes"

"I have never seen anything like it" he said breathlessly impressed "maybe it's just me seeing things but it was very beautiful, the more I stared at it the more I felt passion burn inside me" he held my face in his palms, staring deep into my eyes

"Nini, I want to be with you. Nothing makes more sense. I have always wanted that from the first time I laid eyes on you" he paused, as if to think more on his words. "I cannot believe this happened and I would be a fool not to want this" he said and suddenly sadness returned in those dark eyes of his.

"What is wrong?" I touched his cheek. He smiled, shaking his head as if to clear it "if something is wrong, you would let me know, right?" he nodded, which did not satisfy the doubt that had begun to grow its treacherous roots. Maybe he was scared catching a glimpse Red, just maybe he was not as happy as I was.

"You have nothing to worry about" he moved to kiss me and I, welcomed him with open arms.

"What the fuck!" I heard someone say. Swiftly, we jerked; turning to meet Cecelia's furious stare. I gasped as I hurried for cover, I saw her eyes glued on Musa's lower region. She wheezed in shock. Eyes wide and mouth ajar, those fierce eyes never left him. I was so jealous, I wanted to claw out her eyes. As soon as he noticed her gaze on his hard rod, he smirked; casually covering himself. I hated the fact he was enjoying this whole fiasco, the nigga felt himself too much.

"Cecelia, don't just stand there looking like a dummy. Give us a minute" I screamed.

"In my own room!" she folded her arms but from my hard glare, she knew it was best she did as I said. She stomped her foot grudgingly, before excusing us.

"Come on, let her enjoy the view. I bet she is so envious of us right now" Red said in a husky voice. I didn't feel her wake, sometimes she was so quiet I could barely feel her.

"Not at our man" I thought protectively. I watched Musa get dressed as his eyes never left me, a stupid dreamy smile spread across his face and I, of course was still sulking he let Cecelia see his zozo.

"Easy, tiger. He isn't our man yet, besides you can't blame her. She hasn't seen prick that size before" Red chuckled in amusement. As soon as he was decent, I began to shove him towards the door but he held a rigid posture; making it hard to get him out.

"I want to see you again, when can I see you?" he turned and grabbed me by the waist, spinning me round. I could not help but giggle.

"Next week" I hid a smile when I saw the grin on his face disappear. He gently set me down.

"Next week? Are you trying to kill me? I can't wait that long"

"It's just a few days" I rolled my eyes. I couldn't wait that long as well but I had to play hard to get. You know how men can be!

"That feels like years to me, come to my hostel tomorrow. Let me make you dinner. Please" he stared at me with big wistful eyes. After a few moments of silence, I nodded in agreement. He embraced me burying his face on my neck. Lastly, his soft lips met mine. Holy ghost fire, the earth spun and my stomach pooled feverishly. Fire licked the middle of my thighs and I swore I needed him more than the very air I breath.

"Wo, you people should answer me. Abi what is all this nonsense. Ashawos, come out" she said and I could hear the humor in her voice. I could tell she couldn't wait to get all the gist. He turned to leave and I smacked his ass, he swiveled smirking at me.

"I already miss you" he winked at me, while I blushed like a ten-year-old girl discovering she had a crush. He threw Cecelia an apologetic look before leaving. My cousin walked in with a curious stare. I rubbed my throbbing temple while I rolled my eyes.

I could tell it was going to be a long conversation.

"If the full moon loves you, why worry about the stars?"

-Tunisia Proverb

CHAPTER TEN

Cecelia wasn't a fan of Musa, she thought this whole spicy romance brewing was not good for me. She claimed there was something about him that didn't feel right, this led me to believe she was not cool with us even after the convo we had. Regardless, of what my cousin thought, I had faith things between us would work out eventually.

Cecelia was very curious of what he was like in the sack. I didn't spare her any detail. She ohhhhed and ahhed at the explicit yarn, claiming he was a potential lover and I should keep things on sexual basis.

Red on the other hand sided with Cecelia, that was understandable given Red was all about taking and not giving, which meant she was fine with such an arrangement. But I on the other hand, I wanted love. Red rolled her eyes, I knew she thought this was a silly idea but I plan on getting what I wanted.

Time: 3:15am

It was a cold morning, the chilly kind that was unusual. I closed my book and switched off the dim rechargeable lamp. Yawning lazily and stretching, as slumber trickled its way through my consciousness like a cat gnawing at an unlocked door, pleading its owner give it comfort. The air smelled sharp with rain and cleanliness. I liked the smell of impending rain, the scent of the earth after a shower. I pulled up my blanket inhaling deeply, shivering while I exhaled. Looking out the window, the dusty louvers and dirt embedded on the net discouraged me from gazing into the awakening day.

I finally settled in bed and turned to my right only to find Cecelia staring right at me. I was stunned by the intensity of her gaze, I wondered why I hadn't noticed it at all. I stared back at her trying to read her mind but her face was blank, it was as if she was looking at me and yet not watching me. It was hard to get a read on.

"How long have you been awake?" I asked and she blinked before shrugging in her quilt.

"Awhile, I guess," she said, her voice muffled by the blanket that lay across her mouth.

"Is there something on your mind?" I asked, not sure I was ready to be her confidant so early in the morning, I needed to get some sleep.

"Do you think of him?" She asked. Her eyes distant and shimmering. The room was dark, and the looming glow of the morning sprayed a dull blue, due to the thick navy clouds.

"Who?" "Edet" she answered. I was uncomfortable by her question but still, I understood she needed answers. She had the look of a haunted girl, I knew that expression too well. It was exactly what I saw when I stared in the mirror.

"Every day" I sighed.

"I don't think about him all the time" she paused "does that make me a bad person?" she asked. I was shocked to hear her speak of him so freely; I pondered on what got her so rattled up. Why now? I had questions I wanted to ask but yet again, she needed me not to pry.

"I don't know" I whispered "I just know that we all deal with grief differently"

"Do you think he is in heaven? Something tells me he is in heaven. He is brave" she nodded softly "He chose to give up his life to save you. At first, I thought he was doing it for us but now I realize it is because of you" she looked at me as if trying to confirm something she knew to be true.

"Does it matter? He is dead" I said in a shaky voice.

"I guess not but I am confused, I don't know why he did it" again she paused before speaking again "life is so delicate" she stated.

"Indeed, it is" I agreed, ignoring her first statement. We both knew that conversation was going nowhere, it re-opened scars I tried to so hard to hide "you should get back to sleep" I turned to my left, closing my eyes and surrendering to a soft slumber.

Have you ever been so excited you can't sleep? Butterflies humming in your stomach? Almost reminding you of Christmas? There was something magical about loving someone, it felt as if life is a bowl of ice-cream. Musa, the boy who kept me up at night. He made me feel things, explore parts of me I didn't know existed. It was one in the morning and I couldn't wait for dawn to settle, I couldn't wait to go out on our first official date. I imagined how it will turn out, even planned the entire relationship in my head. Life had begun to ease up on me.

I know am young but I truly felt like I have met the 'one'. With Musa, every nerve in my body told me he was my soul mate. Although, glad I was that we were together, doubts robbed me of my happiness. I thought of my mother and how upset should be if she found out about Musa. Red was quick to dwell on my doubts, she made me re-think things. Stating it was important I use my head not my heart. It wasn't long before my insecurities danced in victory, instilling fear that he would leave me one day. I was driving myself nuts!

I gave up the quest on finding sleep, it was pointless. I stood, the bed making a soft creaking sound. It was hard to decide on which outfit was best for my first important date. The thought of it left me pressed, I hurried to use the loo. I was careful not to wake Cecelia.

Finally, I decided on a blue gown that was two inches above my knees, it was a lacy sleeveless material that screamed of girlinesss. I covered my mouth in a smile, he was going to trip seeing me in this outfit.

The evening came, encouraging the sunset for young love and steamy affairs. I had already weaved my hair, the cornrows in perfect twisted patterns. It highlights my protruding forehead, elongating my chin and extending my bold eyes. I looked at the mirror and was satisfied. I smacked my lips together, loving the flush glow of the pink gloss. I smiled, wondering if he would have sinful thoughts of them.

Date: 17/02/2010

Time: 5:12pm

The cold air of the fast food restaurant caressed my skin, it wasn't difficult to locate him. He stood when his eyes finally found me, those pools of ebony gleamed in joy. His mouth slightly opened in surprise, today was important. Red smirked as she suggested, I cat-walk. I sashayed towards him while his eyes never left me. Stroking every curve of my body, the rush of goose pimples left me breathless. He pulled me in a soft embrace, inhaling deeply as his mouth gently touched my neck. My heart did a quick Gbam-gbam!

Sitting opposite him, I just stared at his dark skin. He was a beautiful man. Northerners are known for their delicate features, even their men as well. He had a strong forehead, that would make anyone want to kiss them. His skin gleamed and his dark raven curls shimmered. His eyebrows were full and perfectly outlined, it is what every woman would kill for. His nose was long and slightly narrow, lips a pulse of baby pink. The contrast, a perfect collision of colors. He was tall and leanly muscled. Lord knows, anymore perfection from him and I would lose it. He was in a blue shirt and black jeans with black leather sandals.

"My love, you look beautiful" he said. I discovered anytime he was overwhelmed, his accent came tumbling; rolling out of his tongue and stroking my skin. I subtly gasped, trying to regain my composure. My stomach was mad with fever and mind filled with dirty thoughts.

"You dirty, dirty girl" Red cooed. I hid a smile, while his hands covered mine.

"I am glad we are doing this" he said, not holding back.

"Me too, Babe" I smiled widely.

We ordered, and I went for jollof rice and chicken with coleslaw on the side. A bottle of sprite sat close to my plate while he went with fried rice and chicken with a bottle of Coke.

"So, what are we?" I casually said, chewing on my food. Red grunted, slapping her forehead at my outburst. I watched him as he tensely gurgled down his gassy soda. I began to think, maybe I misunderstood things. Just maybe, he wasn't on the same page as I was. Did I put sex on the table too quickly? My mother always said when men got what they wanted; they leave. Was she right? Was Musa just like the rest of them? Had I seen what I wanted and not what it was? Was I that stupid?

"What do you want us to be?" he asked. As soon as he said that statement, Red became red with rage! It took so much effort to calm her. I inhaled deeply, trying to think properly.

"What is this fool ranting about?" Red fumed.

"Is this some kind of sick game to you?" I folded my arms watching him like a lioness did with her prey, dotting on every movement and waiting for the exact moment to strike.

"My love" he began, I raised my hand to halt any sugar-coated words he might have. My face drenched in a heavy frown.

"I should have seen this coming, I should have known better than to trust anything you or any man has to say. Very convenient you saying those words to me"

"Nini, please listen. I just want us to take things slow first" he said calmly

"Oh, but you did not want to take things slow when you came into my room, touching me like a dog that you are" I spat those words in fury. I wanted to slap him with the chicken on my plate. I thought we were past his doubts. I was so foolish!

"The nerve on this mother fucker, this thing fathered and nurtured by a cow. This demon sacrifice has the guts to tell us this? Walk away now!" Red stormed, roaming like a vengeful trapped animal. I stood leaving the table without a single word. I heard his calls and before I could push the glass door, he held my arm. I swiveled with the meanest stare I could muster, threatening him.

"Please, listen" his voice trembled.

"There is nothing to listen to, we are done" I shook off his hand and scurried off. I was surprised to find him following me; trying his best to persuade me to go somewhere private to talk. Deep down, I wanted to stop being angry, I wanted to listen to what he had to say. I wanted us to work. Grudgingly, I followed him back to his hostel, hoping his words would calm me the fuck down.

He stood watching me, while I folded my arms looking away.

"Before you say anything, I want to ask; is this about Edet?" I said without sparing him a glance.

"My love, look at me" he said softly.

"I don't have to look at you for you to make your point. Don't waste my time, I have a test to prepare for" I said. He moved closer, stroking my face while he directed my face towards him, eyes met his and slowly my anger weakened.

"Baby, I want you with all my heart. I just want to put things in place before I get into something serious with you"

"What do you mean?" I genuinely asked.

"As soon as it's resolved, I will tell you everything but please trust me. I see my future with you and I only want to be with you, I cannot imagine being with anyone else" he said, his soulful eyes on me and at that moment, it didn't make sense to be mad at him. "tell me you forgive me, my love" he started kissing my face gently, taking his time.

"I forgive you" I whispered.

"I cannot hear you baby" he moved to kiss my neck, escalating to my collar bone. I watched his kiss travel down, hands grabbing my buttocks and his face right there on my lady parts having a good sniff. At first, I wanted to remove his head; not sure it was the right thing for us to do. Isn't it immoral? He removed my panties, and inhaled sharply feeling his hot hands spread me wide. Staring down at his head buried in my gown was exciting and weird at the same time.

I stepped back, not sure I should let him do what he wanted. He looked up at me with questioning eyes, while I tried to catch my breath. Red was so angry, she screamed I let him taste us. Encouraging me to relish the delight that came with a willing flickering tongue. She promised I would enjoy it, she demanded I surrender and never question the paths to passion when it came.

"I...I...I" I swallowed hard

"My love, you should never be shy from me. I love every parts of you, all I want is to pleasure you. Do not feel troubled" he stood. Hands caressing my arms, teasing my cleavage and his hot breath was back at my neck. "Let me pleasure you. Now, tell me, have you had anyone taste you?"

"No, I have never had someone do that to me" I quivered as his touch excelled to ignite fire that flowed within me. "I just had sex once and I didn't do all we did before" I said, with closed eyes and anticipation that could kill.

"Then let me be your first. I don't normally, go down on any girl but for you" he carried me and I automatically wrapped my legs around him. He placed me on his cupboard, slowly spreading my legs wide. I resisted the urge to close them. I wanted to trust him so I did, he went on his knees, pulling me slightly so I was of full access to him. He stared at me in full wonder, taking a second to see the soft flutters of me. I loved him on his knees, I couldn't understand why I did so much.

"May I?" his eyes found mine.

"Yes" I nodded, drunk on arousal. Evidence of my desire was clear for him to see, I felt hot liquid trickling down and it made me mad with want. He hadn't done much and I was beyond ready; leaving all my home training at home! As soon as his mouth settled on my sensitive area, I lost it. Flickering tongue tickled my spot of glory. Eyes rolling back, legs wider and back arched. I felt as though heaven was within my grasp, he sucked and licked with precision. Not letting a crystal drop go to waste, I went crazy, grabbing his silky head. I wanted him so bad I had started to cry.

"You taste like strawberries" he moaned in between my legs. As much as he did all the right things, my body craved for something more; something solid! As if he read my mind, his finger slipped into the wet folds and corners of my contrasting flesh. "You are so sweet and tight" I heard him say.

"Please," I managed to say, hoping he would cure me of this madness that had taken its toll on me. Tempo increased and I could feel my body swell. Just when I felt I couldn't take it anymore, I popped like a cherry.

Time: 4:00am

One hour ago, I dreamt that I was falling. It made me really wonder, where do we all go when we sleep? I had begun to think I was losing my mind. Few days ago, Cecelia mentioned I came back to the room around 6:00am. I didn't understand what she meant and if at all she was joking. I slept around 11:00pm. I was so sure of it. How did I leave the hostel and was back without no recollection of what happened? She further on stated that I seemed out of place.

Ever since Cecelia told me of that morning, my anxiety attacks became frequent. I was filled with apprehension and my body didn't feel like it was mine. Who was I? It was dreadful to think Red had begun to consume me. I had let her out once and maybe tasting freedom, was something she wouldn't give up. Could I fight her and win? Damn it! Was I over thinking it?

I took a small plastic that held in my toiletries, as I made my way to the bathroom. I couldn't help but drag my feet. I felt unusually tired because it was that time of the month. My stomach swelled with cramps. My breasts felt sore and I wanted to rip apart anyone who dared irritate me. The world felt dark and I wanted to crawl in a small space and be left alone.

I wiped off the water from my face as I wrapped my blue towel around me. I liked to get to the bathroom early, because it meant I could avoid other girls; not that I was shy about my body. I just liked the serenity before the chaos, it gave me time to think. There was no electricity, and the florescent flashlight did its best to illuminate the dark space. I walked to the mirror at the far side of the bathroom. Staring at it wildly, I wondered who was looking back at me. I rubbed my temple as I closed my eyes for a moment, hoping the headaches would stop.

I slouched, once again staring at my reflection. I was shocked when I saw myself standing straight with a fierce look. It was staring at me, it looked like me but it was not. I knew instantaneously, it was Red! It was the first time I had seen her manifest. All my life, I had only recognized her as voice in my head. Her eyes were wonders of brownish gold which glowed, she folded her arms with a smirk on her face. I clamped a hand on my mouth as I swallowed a scream. I was scared yet I knew there was nothing to fear!

"You better don't give us a heart attack" she said non-chalantly "I actually thought you would be pleased to see me"

"Red?" I said out of breath. She rolled her eyes in response.

"Who else would it be?" she said rhetorically.

"Red, what is going?" hands on my aching chest as my watered eyes held hers. There was a flicker of concern in those wonderful circles of gold. I rested on the sink for support.

"Calm down, I don't mean to scare you. Just take in deep breaths" she leaned in, her beautiful eyes radiant in the mirror. I did as she suggested and slightly felt better. Although, the sick feeling didn't go away but I was able to think better. This was my chance to ask her questions, to talk to her.

"What is happening, how are you here?"

"You let me out, remember?" she said with narrowed eyes. She was oddly captivating and fierce looking. Her cheekbones seemed more sharper and eyes slightly larger than mine. The air about her was dangerous yet enchanting. She was powerful while I was ordinary. I found myself admiring her. I should be scared? Mad with fear and running to hide but here was, finally meeting the voice in my head. To be frank, secretly I had thought of this moment.

"I remember" I stood upright, her posture motivated me to uphold my own "but why are you here speaking to me?"

"I just thought it was better we speak face to face, wanted to let you know that we can co-exist"

"Why should I believe you? I suspect you want to take control"

"I have known you for a long time. Do you think I would do that to you?" she tskked "If I don't believe we could co-exist, I would not bother showing myself. You need me as much as I need you"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"There are things that will happen in the future. You will need me to handle, trust me when I tell you that you would want me here when it does," she explained "come closer" she said. I stared at her dubiously, as much as I didn't want to admit it. I believed her.

"What if I refuse to co-exist?"

"You don't have a choice in the matter, we can live harmoniously or grungily. Either way, am here and you are going to live with it"

"Sometimes, you are really a bitch!" I said through my clenched teeth.

"Tell me something I don't know" she picked her nails in boredom. Red looked at me then sighed, as if considering something. "come closer" she said softly. Her voice was husky and darker than mine. I did as commanded. She placed her hand on the mirror staring expectantly at me. Reluctantly, I did the same. I felt her energy. So vibrant and pure, I gasped in awe.

"Remember, that I am you and you are me. I want you to know that I will always be here for you, both in death and in life. I know am not the best entity to live with but I will try on my part. With me here you will never feel alone" she said and I swallowed the sobs that held my throat captive. I believed her as I nodded my consent. "you don't need to be strong, I will be that for us"

"I don't still understand, what did you see about my future?" I finally found my voice but by the time I realized it, she was gone. Shortly, a girl entered the bathroom staring at me as if I was crazy. I dashed of the bathroom, avoiding her suspicious gaze.

"You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it."

– Maya Angelou

CHAPTER ELEVEN

The result of my tests came in, it was no shock I didn't do so well. I have been distracted of late and Cecelia, arrived at the conclusion that Musa was the cause. Well, I wouldn't say she was completely wrong. I have been spending too much time with him. I made a mental note to study harder but I couldn't stop seeing Musa. I couldn't!

Lately, Red occupied my mind of late and it was hard being comfortable with the fact I could actually see her. I have been scared to look at the mirror ever since. I was not ready to accept the truth just yet and as if she sensed it, she gave me my space which I was grateful for.

On a lighter note; I had begun to see a life with Musa, building a home with him. And before you roll your eyes, I know you think am being ridiculous but this feels right. Every moment we spend together thickens our bond.

Musa informed me he would be out of campus for awhile and that left me missing the hell out of him. I asked if I could come along but he sweetly refused. I could not help but think something was wrong, could it be he needed space? Did it have to do with his family? I did hope he was okay. I sat on my bed, staring ahead with heavy thoughts on mind.

Date: 23/02/2010

Time: 6:00pm

I prepared a bowl of noodles, steam rose swaying with the evening breeze. It was garnished with curry, onions, grounded pepper and fish. I sat on the floor, glad I gave the girl next room two sachet of water to refrigerate. This was going to be a good meal. I smiled to myself, glancing at the cold water close to my right leg. Rolling the noodles with my fork, left me salivating. I blew hard on it and moaned when it finally settled in my mouth. Cecelia walked in, smiled when she saw me and quickly went to get a fork. I eyed her, irked at her intrusion.

"You can't even wait for someone to call you" I eyed her.

"Na so, did you wait for my invitation yesterday when you joined me eating porridge? Abegi, let us eat this food in peace" she blew on the noodles.

"Na wa o"

"Nawa for you too" she slurped her noodles while I gave her the side eye. She took fuller quantity and I hated the fact I didn't have an oven for a mouth. I wondered how she did it.

"That reminds me, I saw Musa a few hours ago" she chewed fast, already rolling in her next intake. I held her hand while I looked at her. Was she joking?

"What? Are you sure?"

"I know him, why wouldn't I recognize him? Although he looked distracted, but I am sure it is him"

Why wouldn't he inform me he was back? Could it be he didn't have the time to get back to me? Did something change? Is everything alright? As much as I tried to keep my mind from spiraling out of control, it proved difficult. I hated to think it, but could it be he is not interested in me anymore? My heart leapt and appetite dropped. I left the food for Cecelia while I paced the room.

I wanted to know what Red thought about the situation but she was quiet. Didn't say anything at all. I hated the fact she was silent. Was she still angry at me? I ran my hands through my corn rows as I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted ask why he hadn't reached out yet but at the same time, I didn't want to smother him. After all we aren't anything serious. At least to him we are not.

I needed to respect his space; right? What if I go there yelling and it turned out he had a good reason for staying quiet? What if I ruin things before it began? Red on the other hand didn't care. She did things as she pleased and the dilemma I was in, made me want her opinion.

"Red, please what do I do?" I thought, closing my eyes and hoping she would respond.

"Why are you slow like this? You are entitled to know what is happening. No man would be catching us off guard, not on my watch. Bitch, get your ass over to his hostel" Red responded. Her answer gave me the courage I needed. Quickly, changed my clothes and off I dashed to Musa's hostel.

I took in a long breath before knocking, my heart racing profusely. Hoping that my suspicion would hold no meaning, that I would feel ridiculous after realizing that he had other reasons. After the third knock, the door opened. Everything happened in slow motion, it was as if the longevity of my heart depended on that exact moment. A girl opened the door and I literally felt a crack in my heart, I held my breath watching her with great incredulity. She was not as tall as I, but she was close. She was in a grey hijab which framed her oval flawless face. She had delicate eyes, which was a creamy brown. Her nose slim and lips, a pretty puckered rosy flesh.

I shrunk in intimidation while Red got furious by her presence, confident she was way prettier than her. She was light-skinned and I could guess she was from the north.

"Who the fuck is this witch?" Red's voice reverberated in my head.

"She could be his sister" I thought.

"This is why you won't go far in life, with that nonsense thinking of yours. Do they fucking look alike to you?" Red marked her territory, her possessive nature radiated from my body.

"Who are you?" she finally said and my mouth moved but no words came out, her accent was not as thick as Musa's but I could still hear it. She had a great composure, her chin jutted in defiance and eyes held suspicion. Scrutinizing me from head to toe! There was something about her that made me feel insecure, it felt as if she had seen the best of life and the had the backing of someone powerful. She moved closer, sizing me up while I stared at her not sure of what to say.

"The nerve on this bitch, the audacity she has" Red snickered "let me handle this" Red said and I mentality declined quickly, the last thing I wanted was rage and discord. It was best to know what was happening before letting her out.

"Did you hear me, who are you?" she said curtly.

"I am Niniola" I finally said "who are you?"

"I am Musa's Fiancée" she said with pride "who are you to him?"

As soon as those words left her mouth, it felt as if the world gradually went mute; and my sight went blurry. My heart squeezed so hard I thought it might shrink to the size of a bean. I slowly rested on the wall, shaking my head slowly in denial. He wouldn't hide something of that magnitude. He wouldn't lie to me! He just wouldn't.

I looked past her and that was when I saw him coming from the bath room, with a towel wrapped around his waist. How can a beautiful man such as him, brew such lies of love and commitment? At first, his eyes widened in shock, then fear became the main emotion that blazed in those pools of black. As soon as I saw him, it was the confirmation I needed. I scurried off, holding my bleeding chest as I sought a private place to unleash the hurt that burned inside. I heard his calls then felt him grab me, I swiveled, with tears in my eyes.

"Why?" I managed to ask.

"I swear, my love. It is not how it looks. Let me explain please" he said with pleading eyes and trembling voice. I wanted to hear him out, I didn't want it to be true. Didn't want to believe he never felt something for me; that I was just something to be used and thrown away. The thought hurts too much, I couldn't bear it.

"That's it, I am handling this" Red said and almost immediately I felt her take control. I was at the back seat while she straightened her posture, with narrowed eyes. She shrugged off his touch while she hit him so hard, I thought his neck would snap for good. Slowly, his head swung back as his face held pain.

"Your eyes" he made a move to touch her but she grabbed his hand and twisted, enjoying as he grunted in pain. Quickly, she pushed him and GBAM! the wall held the impact. The heavy thud made Musa's fiancée scream in dismay.

"Stay there you bitch!" Red roared, her voice hard as granite. She shrunk back in fear while her attention returned to Musa. Her elbow and forearm rested defiantly on his chest, she felt bigger and so strong. He was terrified. "and you spineless cunt of a man, don't speak to me because you haven't earned the right"

"Please let me explain" he said with a quaky voice as tears rose to the brim. I could tell Red's resolve didn't shake, she couldn't give a damn; while I cared too much. Maybe I needed her more than I was willing to admit.

"Too late" she smirked, putting more pressure on him while he sharply inhaled in hurt. He stared right at her, deep into me.

"Let me speak to her" he finally spoke. This surprised Red for a few seconds but still, she didn't budge.

"Musa are you alright?" his pretty fiancée finally spoke in concern "please let him go, I beg you please"

"Maimuna, stay back. Go inside, now!" he barked. And when he saw her linger at the corner, he screamed that she leave us alone. Quickly, she did as he commanded.

"I see you are not as stupid as you look" she smiled impressively, but it was turned into a heavy frown instantaneously "you hurt her so much you fucking liar, I told her that she didn't need this emotional mess but she wouldn't listen. I will kill anyone who proves to be a threat or plans on taking advantage of her" she said through her clenched teeth. I know Red was going too far but I didn't have the strength to stop her. No! I didn't want her to stop. I wanted her protection. No matter how hard core it proved to be.

"I..." he broke into tear "please, I need to speak to her"

"If I hear you say that again, I would snap your neck without thinking twice." As soon as she said those words, I vibrated in dread. I knew she was capable of killing him without putting in much effort. I could not let that happen.

"Please don't hurt him" I said "let him go. If you do anything to him, I swear I would never forgive you. It is enough!" I stated. As much as I knew she hated me defending him, Red let him go.

"I know I hurt her" he rubbed his chest "I know I hurt you, please all I am asking for is a chance to explain. Once you know the truth, I swear it will make much sense" he sniffed, wiping his face and putting on brave front.

"I am done with you!" Red pointed at him "right now, you cannot speak to her and if you try following me. I will end you!" she said and I knew from the fear in his eyes, that he believed her. He nodded vigorously, swallowing hard. Red walked with mighty shoulders and her stance spoke of a being older than civilization.

The darkness I had kept at bay came flooding through my mind. I had no one other than Red who remained quiet. She let me grieve, let me have my privacy. Is love not a double edge sword? No matter where one falls, it inflicts agony at one point. I loved Musa even after all he had done. I couldn't get him out of my mind. I thought he was different. Could it be, I had so much expectations that it was unrealistic? Why did I have to fall for him?

No one tells you of the hurt that comes with being vulnerable, no one teaches you of the consuming void that swallows you whole. Life just springs it on you, not caring if you are ready or not. Avoiding Musa was draining but yet again, it made me wonder why he wasn't running away from me; after all he met Red.

Could it be I misjudged the entire situation? Cecelia on the other hand, was not having it. She purposely kept the doors locked when he visited, most times he would sit at my doorstep for hours at a stretch waiting to see me. I was glad I had my cousin doing the hard work, the last thing we all wanted was Red coming out or getting triggered.

"Ilé ọba tójó ẹwà ló bùsi"

The king's palace that got burnt added beauty to it

(Every cloud has a silver lining)

CHAPTER TWELVE

Date:27/02/2010

Time: 2:00pm

Studying for my last three tests was torturous, I tried to focus but Musa made it difficult. When I got my results back, I was relieved I didn't fail but as the same time, average was not acceptable either. I began toying with the idea, I might actually need the help of drugs and weed to study for the upcoming exams. Many students claimed it helped them stay focused, just maybe that is exactly what I should do. I was lagging behind and I had to do everything I could, or my mother would have my head.

I shoved my test scripts in my bag as I sat on my bed, face buried in my palms. I thought of my next plan and how I can escape this insanity. The knock on the door, made me jump as I caught my breath and composed myself. If it were any of those nonsense boys looking for Cecelia, I would have to punch them hard and hope they die.

"Easy tiger" Red drawled.

Opening the door revealed Musa, I should have known better. My heart skipped a beat and my stomach mumbled with want. He haunted me at night and left me restless at day; could I honestly avoid this man? I wanted to shut the door but I couldn't. He was as handsome as I remembered, if not more. His eyes looked haunted and weeks' worth of beards sprung from his chiseled jawline. Those eyes pled I listen, imploring I let him in. He kept looking deep into my eyes and once he knew it was me, he smiled sadly. How he knew I was the one, baffled me. How could he possibly know?

"Please Nini, just let me explain"

"I don't think there is anything that you need to explain. At this point, it doesn't matter at all" I said softly, not sure I could muster the strength to turn him down.

"Just listen!" he raised his voice. I could see and hear the desperation. He let himself in and I slowly closed the door. I folded my arms not sure I could trust myself. He turned to face me, nervous as he watched me with great scrutiny "is she listening?" at first, I didn't know what he meant till it dawned on me, he was referring to Red.

"Yes"

"What is she?" he asked.

"Is that why you came here? To ask about her?" I said, my patience hanging on a thin thread.

"It's just as important, I know it isn't my first time meeting her"

"We are one" I responded "I know this is hard to understand and I have never told anyone before but, I have known her all my life. My earliest discover of her was when I was five" I shrugged.

"Why are we speaking about me when you should be interrogating him? You seem busy succumbing to his curiosity. Tell me why I shouldn't be the one handling this?" Red spoke.

"Red is becoming impatient. You know what happens when you get on her nerves. Word of advice, don't waste my time" I unfolded my arms, while I watched him rub his chest. He sat on my bed.

"You would need to sit down for this" he patted the bed. While I did as he suggested, I put some distance between us. I didn't want him to think, it was easy to get to me.

Musa came from a home built with luxury and golden fantasies. He was the only son of Alhaji Jordah, a man who built a multi-billion-naira company from the scratch. He traded in salt, wood and agriculture. Musa was pampered and was constantly reminded, he was the only son out of seven sisters. Being the golden child came with tremendous pressure. As he spoke; I could imagine him as a boy, running around stuffed golden furniture's, cream colored walls and thick Arabian rugs. Even, taking account of his properly dressed young sisters, with beautiful faces and accent that sounded mellifluous.

He went on to state his father's connect and wealthy circle. At the age of ten he was betrothed to one of his father's friend's daughter. She was from a wealthy background, her father dealt in pure gold and made great deals with white men from abroad. This was a union that guaranteed powerful and influential allies, including vast opportunities. He had been engaged for ten years and that left me gaping at him. Their families had been preparing for the day they would truly be one.

"Why didn't tell me this?"

"I wanted to but I just couldn't." he stood, pacing about the room.

"Oh, this is interesting" Red said calmly.

"How does your father feel about you being here? I mean if everything you are telling me is true. You should not be in this Godforsaken university, even in this country"

"I wanted to know who I am without my family, without my over smothering mother; my sisters and my disciplined father. I needed to get away from everything before I would lose myself. You wouldn't understand how it feels to live that life, to have such great burden placed on your shoulders. To have your life planned out without asking you what you want. Ever since I was little I never had a choice in any matter, yah Allah they even picked out a wife for me" he ran his hands through his curls "so I struck a deal with father, I told him I would like to have four years of freedom in any university of my choice. He was furious at first and couldn't understand why. But I was persuasive and now, the time draws near for me to go back home or else he would send his men to bring me home by force"

"Wow, I don't even know what to say"

"I picked the farthest university away from my home, I needed to go where his influence wouldn't reach me. Even knowing I could not fully escape them, I was willing to try and thank Allah I did" he stared at me with such longing in his eyes, I melted like butter under heat.

"I cannot believe the life I have gotten use to here, making my choices. Making friends of my own and most importantly falling love with you as been the best moment of my life" he said and I gasped as my heart somersaulted.

"But what was she doing in your room?"

"Maimuna came visiting after I came back. I went home to discuss the matter of my engagement with my father and he wasn't having it. He swore to drag me from school and cancelling our arrangement. I couldn't bear the thought of not seeing you again, it almost killed me" he knelt in front of me stroking my face, as his eyes gleamed in affection "so I bought some time, to figure how I can be with you. I have been thinking about marrying you, and after school I would like to do that" he stated with a hopeful smile. As much as I wanted to believe that, I just couldn't. I wanted to be with him as well but this seemed like a battle we would not win. It felt like being with me would cost him too much.

"Well, he hasn't still answered your question, did he fuck her? Ask him!" Red spoke clearly.

"Did you sleep with her?"

"Never, I would never do that to you and it was my first time seeing her in ten years" he sighed then continued "my mother sent her here to remind me of things, I just had take a shower after a long trip. I needed to clear my head on what to tell you before I could handle her. Nothing happened between us, I swear to Allah. I sent her away, so you don't have to worry about anything happening between us"

"Do you believe him?" I asked Red.

"Sadly enough, I actually do but this does not mean anything. We are obviously worlds apart, it cannot work so do not get shit twisted" Red said.

"I don't know what to do" I stood, creating distance between us.

"You don't need to, let me figure this out for us. Let me fix this" he said moving closer. He stroked my cheeks and I closed my eyes cherishing the feel of his large hand. He moved to kiss me and I stood still, anticipating it. As soon as out lips met, all was forgotten; problems that seemed so high felt so little. It was going to be fine, all I had to do was hold on and pray I believed it.

**

Date: 10/03/2010

Time: 3:59pm

Mr. Dehinde was a very light-skinned man, not the albino kind but somewhat that way. He had brown lashes with a mass of honey blonde hair. He was tall and lanky with huge eyeballs. The glasses didn't help, only amplified those pools of hazel. He squinted most of the time, with subtle freckles spread across his nose and cheeks. He had a type of mouth that had no impression whatsoever.

He wasn't a cruel man but strict he was and didn't permit indiscipline. The test was not extremely difficult but yet it was tricky, I had to calm my jumpy nerves in order to comprehend the implication of his questions. That was the kind of man he was, he dwelled on awakening the mind. Physics was not my favorite subject but with Mr. Dehinde, he had an interesting way of making me see the course had potential.

The test was over and out of the class I was, away from the students that argued which answers were right and wrong. I hated when they did that, it didn't matter if they argued. The decision still fell on the lecturer. Besides, it gave me headaches and unnecessary apprehension. I rubbed my forehead as a dull ache settled there. It was the last test before exams. I had begun to force focus and some days it worked and other days, it was a thing that seemed impossible. I appreciated the fact, Musa had started to help me study; had started to be more than a private lover. He accepted me wholly and that was something I had never experienced before. It was one of the most wonderful feelings, and that helped me cope better with life. He was a rare gem and I was protective of the only good thing I had left.

To be honest, it would be a lie if I told you that I didn't think of her, the beautiful fiancée with potential. She seemed to be everything I was not. I looked ahead, inhaling sharply while the afternoon breeze brushed past me. It was warm, and for that moment I was thankful for the shade. The leaves made whistling sounds, tranquilizing my nerves. A few withered leaves and ants dropped on the grass, and occasionally on my shoulder. I waited a bit, deep in my thoughts as I shrugged off Red's nagging. It was time I headed back to my room, it wasn't safe to roam the campus at night.

I was in the mood for pepper soup, the kind that burns good. It would be nice to have it with a cold bottle of soda. I sighed as I turned the knob, what I witnessed nearly drove me on verge of madness. They both stared at me as I watched them back, I stood there perplexed at the unexpected visit. My cousin stood, giving me a look that declared there would be an argument after my guest leaves. She excused herself while refraining from questions.

I swallowed the lump that clung to my throat, dreading the inevitable talk. Maimuna sat with high shoulders and held her proud neck. Her sitting posture declared; she must have been a queen in her previous life. Her black hijab was precisely wrapped around her head, highlighting her love shaped face and stopping around her collarbone. Everything about her screamed class. Her perfume possessed my small space, her presence was so sure it made me doubt everything else. I could see the pointy arc of her slender shoulders. She was slim and graceful. Reluctantly, I closed the door behind me; waiting for her to start the conversation.

Maimuna finally cleared her throat standing from Cecelia's bed. She took a good look at my room before her eyes finally settled on me. She was in a matching rose gold lace attire. It was beautifully woven to suit every detail of her body, her wrist was adorned with pure gold wristwatch and bracelets. Her gold sandals shimmered, showing peeking toes of red pedicured feet. Never in my life had I felt so fucking small and berated, she didn't need to say much. Her eyes did all the talking.

"It took me awhile to find you but am glad I did" her soft voice held anger, I could just feel it "so, I will get straight to the point. I want you out of his life, name your price and it shall be yours" she said with authority. Red boiled with rage as she sized up the flawless girl, imagining all the bad and terrible things she could do to her.

"What makes you so sure I want anything from you?" I folded my arms, insulted that this daughter of a witch was in my room, uninvited! The guts she had.

"Everyone has a price, so tell me yours and I will make sure it becomes a reality"

"Let me make myself clear, you don't get to come to my room acting like you are some kind of God" I paused then continued "I don't want anything from you. If you have nothing reasonable to talk about, I suggest you leave my room"

"You call this a room?" she laughed. Although, her giggle was bubbly but also it held an icy tremor "he is mine, I have waited ten years to be with him. I have been trained to be his wife and he definitely has a lot to gain from me than you" she moved closer, cold narrowed eyes on me.

"Why don't you speak to him about this?" I said through my clenched teeth.

"I guess you cannot understand what is at stake. I don't expect a girl of your background to. But let me make myself clear since you have done the same. Musa will be my husband and I am sure whatever fondness he has for you is just a distraction, he will always pick me" she frowned. It was nice to see her elegant façade cracked.

"All I see is a threatened little girl" I moved closer, daring her to do her worse.

"Don't you dare, you dirty peasant brat! You are beneath me" she spat. For a moment, I thought Red would surge with claws and brimstones but she stayed quiet. Maybe she thought I could handle the situation; this gave me the ginger to keep my cool and handle her like the little bitch she was.

"Hmmmm..." hand on my chin in wonder "am beneath you and yet you are here. It took a whole lot to find an unimportant girl like me. It seems to me that I have some kinda of hold over you. See, I don't want to fight with you but whatever this is, it seems you should be speaking to Musa not me"

"Do you think you will be with him for long? Think about it, I know you do but really think about it. You seem like a smart girl" her composure back to what it was, rigid and unbreaking. Making me doubt if I had seen her compromise herself. She took her shiny purse from the bed and accessed me with a smirk on her face, before cat walking out of my room. As soon as I was sure she was gone I crumbled on my bed with heart palpitations, I tried catching my breath as anxiety struck me. I knew her words bore some truth, no matter how much I tried to deny it. I couldn't break things off with Musa, I just couldn't!

"We know what we are, but know not what we may be".

William Shakespeare

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

"So, this is who you have become, snatching people's fiancée. To say I am disappointed is an understatement" Cecelia words kept ringing in my head, she was angry at me. Blaming me and honestly, more disappointed that I was in love with a Hausa man who had rigid rules that governed his life. I wanted to be the bigger person, I wanted to let things go but this is the first real thing I have ever had in my life. He was the first person who saw my flaws and blindly embraced me in truth. What was I to do?

After contemplating on whether I should inform Musa about his fiancée's visit. I finally decided on being transparent and as soon as I told him, he went livid. Yelling at her over the phone; threatening her with all he could. I heard her cries on the phone, heard her beg him and that didn't make me feel any better. It was odd to think the composed girl could be weak when it concerned him. Maybe... just maybe she loved him as much as I did. I regretted telling

He plead on her behalf, begging I should never give up on us. Swearing he would fix it, whatever the cost might be. How did I become this person? The other woman who prevented fate from happening; the other woman who caused discord. How the fuck did I get to be her! Red had become a stranger, it had to do with the fact I ignored her advice. Even when I knew she thought rationally and probably her idea was best, but still I couldn't let him go. What was wrong with me?

My troubles and guilt mounted on my conscious, which had severe consequences. My sleep paralysis became worse, I dreaded the night and the thought of lying down on my bed gave me sharp anxiety. As much as Musa made himself available and constantly supported me in all aspects of my life. There still was a gnawing feeling inside me that grew by the minute. I was beginning to lose sight of who I was.

I began to wonder; had I always been this person? Even with the guilt eating away at me, I still couldn't give him up. I loved him too much and the thought of losing him gave me apprehension. Hopefully, life would be one day kind to us someday, maybe we could be together after all. Just maybe we were meant to be together; but if that was the case why was everything in the way?

Two nights ago, spending the night with Musa. He witnessed my sleep paralysis first hand and although; scared he was for me. He remained strong and didn't let go of my hand. He said soothing words with trembling voice and kissed away my tears. How could I give such a man up? How can I find someone who will love me for me? How can I love another the way I love Musa? In this hard life, shouldn't I fight for what feels right? I know it sounds crazy but Musa felt like my soul mate.

Date: 13/03/2010

Time: 10:48 am

"Mum?" I stood staring at my tall mother. She raised her head like a stern principal, who was ready to disciplined her pupils. The last thing I expected was my mother showing up again. I expected to see Musa, he promised me cupcakes and a home-made smoothie. I was hoping his visit would cheer me up but now staring at the icy queen I called mother, I knew my whole day and probably the next couple of days are pretty much fucked. She walked in uninvited and without muttering an acknowledgment. Cecelia greeted her and was quick to excuse us. What was she doing here? Had something happened at home? Then it hit me, this smelled of Cecelia. This was all too familiar. That bitch!

"I will go straight to the point" she turned to face me, I inhaled sharply expecting to feel the punch of her cruel words. It was always something with her. "I didn't think I would be back to this place so soon, trying to get you back to your damn senses"

"Mum..."

"Would you shut up your dirty mouth!" she snapped "you this girl, when will you fail to stop shaming me?" she moved closer with pointed finger. I stood still watching her. Months ago, I would have cowered at her intimidating stance. I would have shivered at the mere mention of her name but right in that moment, I just looked at her. Not defiantly but just wondering when the tiring argument will end.

"I heard that you are distracted by a Hausa boy" she said shaking her head and dangerously chucking, not that she mocked me but rather in disbelief "I sent you here to learn. Do you know what I had to do to convince my husband to pay for your school fees? And here you are wasting your time and getting bad grades. I knew I should have let you come back home with me. I shouldn't have trust that you would have the common sense to do what is right"

"Mum, I know my grades are falling but I am studying harder now"

"Do you honestly believe that I could trust you again?" she clapped her hand in wonder "if I had someone do all I am doing for you, I wouldn't be where I am now. Do you want your father's family to mock me? Do you want them to say I did not raise you the right way? After everything I have done for you ungrateful child" she raised her voice and narrowed her eyes. I knew at that point there was nothing I could say that would help and convince her I was doing my best.

"Let's even leave the fact you are having bad grades. What is this I hear of you roaming the campus with a Hausa boy?" she folded her arms and impatiently waited for my response, as soon as she saw my reluctance. She raised her hand and I let it fall on my cheek. It stung, as my eyes watered from holding my stare. "it is bad enough you are following boys up and down but now, you can't find a Yoruba boy in this big school? Not even Igbo, you went for Hausa. Why do you make it so hard to be proud of you? Why?" her voice held resentment.

"Mum, I..." I paused then continued "please calm down, I beg you. He isn't as bad as you think. He has been supportive and a big help to me"

"Ohhhh so you mean to tell me you don't know he has a wife"

"He isn't married yet"

"So, you know there is someone he is planning on getting married to but your common sense won't let you be great. What kind of child are you?"

"I love him" I confessed with tears pouring down my face. How could I make her understand? Was it a possible task? Didn't she know how much her words stung? Can't she just comprehend the fact I was lost and am trying to find my way?

"What does a child of your age know about love? You have your life ahead of you, and someday you would have men lying at your feet once you become successful but, judging by the way you are living your life. It seems you want to end up like your aunty Shade" she spat.

Aunt Shade was my mum's sister, she married her longtime boyfriend who wallowed in abject poverty. When my mum re-married, she cut all ties with her. Deeming her past what it was, a thing behind her. Why was her thinking so limited? I didn't want to tell her who Musa was. It didn't seem like his wealthy background might help my mum see things differently. I suspected it might aggravate her anger towards me and besides, it wasn't about who his father was. It was all about him and how much he meant to me.

"Who are you?" she stared at me oddly "you came to this school and now you have forgotten all your home training. This is why I didn't want you to leave Lagos"

"Mum...I...I" I stuttered.

"Don't you dare!" she pointed violently at me "I will give you two options and since you are all grown up, I will let you pick. It's either you break things off with this Hausa boy and work on your studies, or you pick him and we stop paying your school fees. This will also mean you not coming home. Although, there is a third option, which involves you just coming home and we can re-apply to some private schools in Lagos"

"Mum?" I said in shock

"Don't mum me, I won't be wasting my time. Let me know what your decision is, I give you 24 hours" she walked out without giving me a chance to explain.

Sitting in my room and thinking on the three choices my mother offered, I was left to make the hardest decision of my life. I had a feeling whatever choice I made, will mold my life in the strangest way. It was either I give Musa up, or surrender the dream of being educated; ruining every chance of me becoming someone in life. There was also the option of leaving the life I had made here in Port- Harcourt. Going back home seemed like a fucking nightmare.

Why did life have to be this cruel? I resented my mother for putting me in this precarious situation. I wanted her to pay for all she had put me through over the years but I knew better, she was my mother. What could I possibly do?

I snapped out of my thoughts the moment I caught Cecelia sneaking in, I slowly stood facing her. She cowered, unable to look me in the bloody eyes. She played with her fingers; her golden skin shimmered as the bright room complimented her complexion. She licked her bottom lips nervously.

"Why?" I whispered; not sure I had the strength to shout and argue. I was simply curious. My mind was shutting down and it felt as though my emotions were non-existent at that moment.

"You will thank me later, he is not right for you. Trust me, I was looking out for you I swear" she said quickly. Watching her, I couldn't even understand her sense of reasoning. How was destroying my love life protecting me? Was she raving mad?

"This was not what we agreed upon when we came to school, we promised to always be there for each other. Why would you bring that woman here?" tears started to fall, scalding emotions struck me in a rush. It was so much I slightly faltered. My chest hurting real bad, I placed a hand on it as if I was trying to guard my heart.

"I am sorry I did that and if I could change things, maybe I would but what is done is done" her voice trembled "I am very sure Musa is not right for you, can't you see it?" she yelled at me, not in anger but because she was concerned. She deeply wanted me to understand, I saw it her eyes.

"What gave you the right to do this? It is my life and I have every right to do what I want. I love him so much it hurts" I sobbed "I don't expect you to understand. But how can you do this to me? I trusted you, I trusted you would have my back. I don't understand" I shook my head.

"That isn't the only reason she did this" Red's voice was as clear as day. It was nice to hear from her. "Ask her what Maimuna and her spoke about when you entered the room" she said and as soon as she did, her voice seized. I didn't need to ask her for me to piece it all together.

"What did Maimuna give you?" I asked. I caught a glimpse of shock in her eyes.

"How did you know?" she slightly shook her head, confused "whatever she told you is a lie, she asked me to do all I can to break you two up. Since it's what we both wanted, I did" her eyes down casted in shame. I wanted to shake her till she broke. But I knew better, nothing I said would change anything "she offered me three hundred thousand naira and I took it. I knew the only person who could split you both is your mother. So, I told her the truth" she burst into tears.

I collapsed on my bed crying hard at her betrayal. Was the world really against me? Couldn't I have this one thing that meant so much to me? Could I win against life's horrible sense of humor? I wailed so hard my heart felt as if it would explode. Cecelia made a move to touch me but I recoiled from her as if she was poison. It made her cry harder.

"I never meant for this to happen, I am so sorry, I would return the money if that would help us get back to what we were"

"Nothing" I said amidst the heavy sobs "nothing can ever fix us. Get out!" I screamed at her as she jerked back in disbelief. Quickly, she ran out of the room. As soon as I was alone, I let it all out and I was not surprised when my cries sounded more like groans. Apart, from Cecelia's betrayal; I knew why I cried so hard. I knew what decision I had to make and I knew it was going to kill a part of me.

"Red" I called in agony.

"Yes" she answered calmly, I could tell my emotions weighed on her as well. I wanted this pain to end at all cost.

"Take over" I held my chest, as I crouched on my bed. It felt as though if I moved, I would suffer a massive stroke. "you know what to do"

"Are you sure?" It was the first time she asked of my certainty over her freedom. I knew why she did, she would rather remain inside than be resented for anything.

"I can't take this pain, please" I muttered through my tears.

"You may remain asleep while I handle everything for us, you being that way keeps the pain away" she explained.

"Okay please do that but I want to be awake when you tell him"

"Fine but I won't tolerate any interruptions"

"Agreed" I finally surrendered to oblivion. The peace that came with surrendering was so seductive I wanted it be my forever. Slowly, I felt a levitating feeling deep inside my body, I was somewhere falling asleep in the dark. It became black and silent, emotions froze and so did time.

'My humanity is bound up in yours for we can only be human together'

Desmond Tutu

CHAPTER FOURTEEEN

I am not mortal, I think that much is established. I do not fully understand humans, they are simple yet complex creatures. It displeases me to admit it; but I had begun to think like them, feel emotions such as anger, lust and passion. As time passed, I realized I had low tolerance with humans especially the idiotic ones. I had begun to learn their ways and comprehend their pattern of reasoning. I had always considered myself superior, looking down on them from another world. Never in a million years would I have thought, I could muster affection for a mortal.

I had become more than a voice to her, I was her companion. She let me share her body. I hated the fact she had started to rub off on me but experiencing this earthly life with her has been my best moments.

I know you are curious to know who am I? But before I can reveal my identity. I need you to understand there are things in this world that are beyond your understanding. A world after this one very much exist and I come from a realm you wouldn't believe even if I showed you. There is no good or evil. There is no black or white. Instead, there are blinding colors, wild creatures and vengeful twist of time difference.

I was a soul with one purpose and that was to observe but never meddle. My duty was to watch as the earthly world unfolded in predicted statistics. My name is Alakie´simo and all I did was to report major incidence and sudden crack of imbalance. But the more I watched these humans, the more I was tempted to join their world.

I simply thought, there had to be more than cocooned structures, bright lights and cloudy atmosphere. There were countless of possibilities to the fate of a human, nothing was written on stone not even prophesies. I had discovered that it was important these mortals didn't hear so much of presumed futures, those exact revelations sealed their destinies. Apart from watching, we intervened when necessary but it was on rare occasions. We began to close to eyes of the blessed, and dabbled in obscuring what went on in other worlds.

The longer I observed, the more I was fascinated. There was something about earth that was too tempting. I wanted to partake in something more than menial reports and uninterrupted silence. So, I looked for a way out.

In a speck of time, my opportunity came. I scrutinized souls, which gracefully descended from liquid skies. I anxiously searched for a portal, wanting to leave this lifeless world I had known in all my existence. I was always desperate, and I had realized it was one of the most prevalent emotions humans feel, it calls to question who I truly was. It was forbidden to feel things, a sin so great; I couldn't be forgiven even if gods intervened. Rules were rules, no matter who and what you are. If they had known what I was becoming, even caught a whiff of how broken I was. Trust me when I say, you don't want to know what happens to those beings that are considered tainted.

I remembered the first time I saw her, Nini. She shined the brightest, and it was astounding to notice there was a tiny opening within her alluring energy. Without dwelling on my golden opportunity, I was quick to tag along unnoticeably. The plan, was to roam the earth, but being with her changed everything. You can call it fate!

To tell you the truth; it was easy to judge from my world, everything felt different down here. It is a hard bleeding life.

Back to reality, Nini was in a dilemma that was very clear to me. Even when I knew Nini couldn't be with him now, she tried to define all odds. Even when I saw a glimpse of a possible outcome in her future, I couldn't see everything. I wanted to predict what's come, see every detail! It was a sad thing to admit I was limited. Being tied to her placed a veil so thick it blinded me most times. I was terrified, an emotion that was foreign to me. How could I keep her safe if I couldn't see what was coming?

I had a few secrets I hid from Nini, and of course you too. That is another matter for another day. Besides, isn't everyone allowed to shield parts of themselves?

It was my second time taking control over this body, the first time was without consent. Wondering at night and feeling the endless possibility to dominate the world. But I couldn't, I wanted her to co-habituate with me. It doesn't make sense! The very thought annoys me. I called her mother and informed her of what Nini's choice was. That was easy, now it came to the difficult part. To break up with the human boy. I don't know why the things that shouldn't matter on earth, mattered with pivotal intent.

I wondered why humans discriminated against their kind, even animals knew how to accept their own. They took pride in calling themselves intelligent, it was a thing to laugh at. Intelligent??? Humans never seizes to amaze me.

The knock on the door informed me of his presence, I wore a sunglass to conceal my eyes while I headed for the narrow wooden door. I opened it, and was taken back by his embrace. Sniffing, while he planted short kisses on my neck. Nini made the right call, I was better suited for this kind of thing. His hands held my face while he basked at our close proximity. Even I knew that this human loved her deeply, more than the normal. I knew what I had to do and wouldn't let myself get distracted. It was gut-wrenching to discover she would never find a love as pure as this in her life again. It was sad, wasn't it?

"I have news" he kissed me and I let him. He needed all the closure he can get "I have told my father am not marrying Maimuna, there was huge fight and I disowned him before he could do the same to me. I am tired of him controlling my life" he said with enthusiasm; like a slave free from the clutches of his master.

"What?" at that point, I knew I couldn't wake Nini from her state of hibernation. She would never let me do what was best for us. I stared at him as if he had gone mad! "why?" I mimicked Nini's voice, masking the huskiness and dark intonation of my mine.

"Because I cannot bear the thought of being separated from you. I would do anything for you" he said with so much conviction, I had begun to doubt my intention. He was leaving his family and everything he had ever known, for us. It doesn't make sense! The best decision would be to marry that girl and live a great life. I just couldn't wrap my head around his way of reasoning.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I love you" he said. Deep inside the dark void I kept Nini, she stirred at the mention of those words. "From the first time I saw you, I fell madly in love with you. There is something strong that draws me to you, something that tells me we were meant to be" he said with happiness. I still couldn't understand and it was beginning to drive me mad.

"Why do you love me?" I asked, there must be reasons. It is proper to be curious. Although, it was a question a human would ask, and maybe Nini's thinking had begun to rub off on me. At that point it didn't matter, I had to uncover his motive. I was expecting him to list his reasons for loving her this much, just maybe I might understand why his affection was valid.

"Why should I have a reason for loving you? Why should I place conditions in exchange to giving you my heart? You are you and I love you unconditionally. Yes, I have some favorite things I admire about you but it isn't why I love you. I just love you!"

Quickly, I removed my glasses and when he looked deep into my eyes, he gasped. While he was mesmerized, he was also confused. I created distance between us motioning him to sit opposite me, slowly he did. Watching me intently.

"Where is she?" he finally asked. Eye never leaving me. Fear had begun to creep in; I could see and sense it. At first, I assumed that he felt threatened but then again, as I looked at him. It was because he suspected why I was here.

"She is right here" I softly tapped my left temple.

"Why are you here? Who are you? Does she know you are here?" he asked and I rolled my eyes. He wasn't going to make this easy for me.

"She didn't have the heart to break things off with you, that is why I am here" I sighed crossing my legs, eyes devoid of emotions and voice clear "who I am is none of your business"

"Please let me speak to her" his voice trembled "please, please I beg you" he blinked rapidly, swallowing hard. I felt for him but I knew what my priority was and that came first.

"That is not possible"

"I cannot live without her, I won't live without her" he said defiantly as if he had a choice in the matter. I felt Nini stir again. I knew if she saw this, we were going to battle for control. "just let me talk to her, please"

"How can you love a girl that has another being inside her? How is that possible?"

"I do not expect you to understand" he stood, coming close to me; to say it made me uncomfortable was an understatement. I knew if he kept this up, Nini would wake! I stood in a defensive stance and once he saw that, he halted his attempted to be close "I am not here to fight, but please help me. You do not know what you asking me to do, I can give up anything else but not her"

"You don't seem like a wise human. You are giving everything up for her, but am not sure it will make her happy. She thinks she is destroying your life, that she doesn't make you happy. Knowing what you have given up, it will devastate her" I explained. If I should hurt him physically Nini would never forgive me, but how else could I execute this task?

"That is why I need to explain this to her. I can make her understand, we are meant to be together. Just let me talk to her, when I explain things she will understand. I am sure of it" he said adamantly.

"Her mother found out about you and she is a tribalistic witch. She has given her the choice to pick her studies and family or let her sort her life on her own" I said, that made him falter. Jack pot! I moved closer "you might be able to live without your parents but I do not think she can, she has always wanted her mother's approval. To be loved by her. She had always felt alone growing up, no friends. She is an outcast in her own home. That is all she knows, people leaving and deserting her"

"I will never leave her"

"No, I will never leave her. Am all she has" I explained. "have you even thought of the life you would give her, if she picks you. I mean you leaving a lot of money and property behind, which I know is hard. You might not know how hard life is, especially in Nigeria. So, have you thought of what you will be doing?" I folded my arms.

"Of course, I have. I called my friend, his name is Mustafah. We have been childhood friends. I have asked for his help and he has agreed to lend me some funds to start my own business. I will leave school and start on that right away. I will take her with me. That is what I came here to tell her. I can take care of her" he said, blooming with hope.

"Don't you think that is selfish? Wouldn't it be the right call for her to finish school?"

"If that is what she wants, I can do that. I can wait for her to be done"

"Then what?"

"We get married"

"This sounds like a concocted bad story, with the writer high on drugs. All these speculations are different from real life. Our decision still stands"

"I will like to hear her say it" he pressed further, which annoyed me to no end. Humans! Tsk... tsk... tsk...

"Listen to me because I will not repeat myself" I moved closer which made him step back. Poor intimidated soul. "we aren't going to change our minds. Her mother relied on her first husband, and look at where that got her. Nini needs her family. They play a big part in her life. She has to become her person, not just your wife. The both of you are still young, why not experience life than hold each other back?"

"How can I live without her? she is all that matters" tears came spilling. To be honest, I didn't know what to say to the boy. For her sake, I had to be wise with my words.

"You have to leave school, give her the chance to become what she was meant to be"

"How can you expect me to say goodbye?" he covered his face in his palms, as his shoulders softly rocked. It was pitiful watching him drown in his emotions. A little pulsing ache settled in the middle of my chest. I didn't feel anything for him but I knew Nini did. Whatever was between them was a bond I had never seen before. He broke down crying so hard I just watched him. He looked at me with swollen lids, his wet lashes long and stuck-together with tears.

"Just let me say goodbye" He pled with his eyes, begging I let her out. I shook my head sadly, he held his chest crying. I didn't understand why it hurt so much. Why? They could learn to love again. Why did he make it seem like this was the end of his life, his emotion was so strong it influenced me. Coming in waves and swaying punches.

"I think it's time you left, I will look after her. We both know that she would never say goodbye but it is what it is" I said. He nodded in defeat, dragging his feet. I walked after him, hoping he left in time before she woke. He turned and held my face, those soulful eyes on me. His forehead touched mine while he stroked my face.

"I love you, Nini. I love you so so much" he kissed me while I kept my eyes open, his lids trembled as tears streamed down. Again, I let him say his goodbyes. Hoping that would help.

"If it's any consolation, you will see her again" I told him. I had seen a glimpse of their future. In this brief vision, it felt as though they were lot of factors to overcome. I couldn't grasp the whole story so it was best my lips remained sealed. I knew Nini would take his leaving to heart, I guess that is what happens when you lose your soul mate. Oh yes, I didn't mention; it was one of the secrets I kept from her. They were actual soulmates.

Musa huffed before walking out of the door.

*

I stirred, I felt myself slowly struggle away from heavy sleep. Probably the deepest I have ever had in my life. My body needed time to adjust to my waking mind, it was a slow process. Finally, trying to be conscious proved successful. Sight came as my eyes lingered on the ceiling. I laid there, as an overwhelming heave of sadness washed over me. I gasped as tears rolled sideways, settling in my ears.

"How long have I been out?" I mentally thought. Red was quiet, I knew she was conscious but she was reluctant. After a while, she sighed.

"Four days" she replied

"What?" I sat upright, not sure I heard her right. What had she done in those days? Musa! "did you speak to him?"

"It is done" Red answered. I paused not sure if I should give in to rage or grief. It was a hard choice to make.

"What?" I yelled. "I asked you to wake me, when you spoke to him"

"We both know that would not work. There is a reason you agreed for me to being in charge. You would have never let me pull through. What you feel for him is too strong" she said firmly, for a second she paused then continued "He broke ties with his family because of you"

"He what?" my voice quivered as I listened to Red. She discussed all that transpired between her and Musa. I knew she did what I asked of her but I was very angry to how well she executed it. The rush of denial hit me when she told me he had left. I dashed out of my room, heading to his hostel and when I finally got there; his room was empty. Every trace of him gone! There was a sharp pain that went GBAM! In my chest. I gasped collapsing to the floor while I cried so silently, I thought I might die. It hurt so much, it felt like I was a piece of puzzle that would never be completed. I had never experienced such agony in my life.

I laid there for hours, the floor wet with my tears and my swollen lids hurts whenever I moved it, as if I had sand in them. Red was quiet but I felt her presence strong as ever, her energy wrapped around me while I grieved for my reaped heart. I knew my anger couldn't be directed at her. She did as I wished, but still I was so bitter; I could taste the heavy tang of it.

At that moment, I made a deal with Red. Henceforth, she would never make decisions when it concerned the matters of my heart. I was determined on guarding what was left of me. It was a done deal, other areas were accessible to her but she conceded my love life was off limits.

I believed she possessed the tenacity to help us succeed in life. Not like I cared at that point in my life, but I knew she could get us to where we desired. And just maybe she would stand up to that bitch I call mother.

Little did I know, that Musa's leaving had shaped the course of my life. My story literally just began!

The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.

~ Louis E. Boone

SNIPPET FROM BOOK TWO

I jolted awake, startled by a strong sense of darkness, which had sunk deep into my soul. The floor felt hard and cold, the night gloomy and silent. My memories were foggy, as I couldn't explain why I was on the floor. I sat upright, my hand on my aching temple. A strong rusty smell hit me viciously, that was when I felt something sticky and wet. I stared at my hands, my heart racing profusely. I was drenched in what seemed like blood. It was blood!!!

THE BEGINNING

I hope this book exceeded your expectations.

Flawed by Damilola Ebony

copyright 2019

