my cousin Caitlin got married recently and so we were we raised
essentially communally so I had to
have a job at their wedding but they
kind of they wanted to give me like the
most innocuous job so
as to not contaminate the rest of
the wedding with any of my fruity business
so we're Catholic, so my job was to
bring the gifts, the wine
aka the blood of Christ to the
altar give them to the bride and groom who
then gives them to the priest who then
blesses the wine and then distributes it to
the rest of the church and now my family
is very proper and elegant and I look
like a Halloween decoration and they've
made it very clear through a series of
looks and gestures that one more slip-up
and I am out that's it so I'm taking
this very seriously
so I have the wine and I hand the wine to the groom, a guy named Chris, now Chris is not Catholic but he has
been involved in the process he's been
to the rehearsals I assume he knows what's
going on so I hand him the wine and
he looks to me he says 'What do I do with this?'
Now we have a very jokey relationship and I
want to 'and yes' him so I say 'you chug it'
next thing I know he has basically taken
a frat house squat and does one of the
most dramatic
adam's apple going pelican style wine dribbling down his chin like if he
didn't finish it he would lose the
entire church's respect
I try to look to my family to
communicate to them I didn't want any of this but
they are not looking they're too busy
just deleting my number from their phones
at this point my cousin Caitlin screams NO
there's something very Stephen King about seeing your kin in a wedding dress screaming no
It would be a lot easier for me to prove my
innocence if this weren't the only
evidence from that moment
it looks like my cousin Johnny and I
have been preparing this Shakespearean
vengeance
since the 80s I mean I even have the
classic villain waiting for his bird yes the Mahuengay yes all is going
according to plan
the kingdom will soon be ours
