Welcome Back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘The sick, the desperate, the lonely’
That’s us. Treasure of the Four Crowns is a Cannon Film,
which means a throw everything at the screen and see what sticks approach.
Not sure the stuffed otter with a spike in its mouth should have made the cut.
‘That place was a nightmare that almost got me killed’
J. T. Striker is Cannon’s porky, rubber-faced Indiana Clone
and we open with him breaking into a haunted castle,
it’s okay to be scared of snakes, but birds?
And, if you are scared of snakes, try not to pull faces,
this is your hero.
But Cannon knows how to make him cool.
Oh Cannon.
Should also point out this is 3D,
every chance it gets,
even when, really, why?
'After centuries it passed into myth and legend.'
Having retrieved a hidden key.
Striker faces ghosts,
and a crossbow on a string,
weirdly his approach to bullets is to run at them.
Time for some plot.
‘Legend has it that the gold balls atop three of the 4 crowns contain secrets to unleashing incredible powers’
Okay, look; the keys open some crowns,
inside the crowns are jewels that will save the world from like everything.
Good guys should have the crowns but at the moment...
'I want you to taste what I taste!'
Looks like the AV club has gone rogue,
‘This guy is an animal’
You’ll have to take his word for it because we barely see this guy.
‘Help us get the crowns’
Naturally the generic authorities want Striker to help but he’s an 80s action hero.
‘Forget it. Just give me the money’
I blame Han Solo for this; every post Star Wars hero is in it for the money,
‘We got a plan. We’ve got diagrams, blueprints, _’
Blueprints? Why didn’t you say?
‘Weird’
Striker doesn’t back down,
but apparently changed his mind off camera because in the next scene he’s putting together his team,
‘Would you happen to know a guy named Rick Martin?’
Ricky? Sure.
‘I Just can’t do it’
Been living la vida loca a bit too hard,
but he joins up despite his alcohol problem and the key doing weird shit,
on a string,
and in 3D.
Next…
Still assembling that crack team huh.
‘Why?’
I need a clown. It’s my kid’s birthday.
Striker also recruits the clown’s trapeze artist daughter
who, arguably is the only one they will actually need.
‘Well it stinks, but maybe it’ll work’
And so, 45 minutes in, the team is assembled;
the drunk, the hot girl, the official, the podgy adventurer and a clown with a heart condition.
‘I’m lucky if I got 6 months’
Breaking into a castle with serious security.
#Loud alarm#
#Loud alarm#
Wow, they take their model-building seriously.
But then…
Is anyone bothered by the fact that the key itself keeps trying to kill them?
‘We’re having a good time right?’
How will they get past the guards?
Ah; blind. Well that should make it easier,
but they still have to get through the temple, half of which is protected by laser beams,
the other half with a pressurised floor.
And no, I don’t know why they went for half and half.
‘This place is really blanketed with laser beams’
Would we say blanketed?
Anyway they have a plan.
Which relies one hundred percent on the laser beams stopping ten feet from the ceiling.
‘What if they spot check like that all night?’
‘If they do then we’re in trouble’
Wow you really thought this through. What happened to all the plans and blueprints?
It’s not exactly mission impossible.
You do also wonder about the absence of cameras or at least something to detect sound because..
‘Oh my God! Get me up!’
They are not quiet.
Although this is probably drowned out by the bad guy’s cult ceremony.
‘Take away her pain’
With tambourines.
Striker prepares to take the crowns.
‘Here I come you magical son of a bitch’
I feel like that sums up Cannon films.
But stuff is going wrong,
the drunk is drinking!
The clown has a heart attack.
Worse still…
Can’t help noticing his corpse hitting the floor completely failed to set the alarm off.
What happens next is weird,
and gets weirder.
Honestly, I have no idea, but Striker seems to win and having got three fifths of his team killed,
and incinerated the cultists,
he leaves the jewel behind,
'They're magic, they're power, their potential to help mankind is enormous.'
despite world peace, despite the fact it makes all this a waste of time
and despite the terrible consequences...
in another movie? I really don’t know.
‘Well that’s a problem’
If this was tongue in cheek you might get away with it but it’s so po-faced,
‘Maybe you ought to get serious’
That’s the thing about Cannon; they did think this was serious,
and should compete with Indiana Jones.
‘Before you start, the answer’s no’
Here’s the thinking; if a boulder chasing a man in a drab leather jacket is cool,
then 3 or 4 flaming boulders chasing a man in Michael Jackson’s Thriller jacket is cooler,
and they never got that character and story was more important than 3D.
But to end on a different note, this film does have one thing going for it.
I doubt it’s the film he'd pick to be remembered for, but even here, Ennio Morricone’s music soared.
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What films would be better if they took themselves less seriously?
Let us know in the comments below.
