Here we will explore true facts about the octopus
deep in the depths in the ocean, lives a marvelous creatures sometimes referred
to as the floppy floppy spider of the sea
but it's true name comes from a Greek word meaning
eight footed because it has eight arms
there are two major sub orders of octopusses
the cirrina and incirrina
the cirrate octopuses look a bit like an alien got freaky with a weather balloon
they have 2 little fins a small internal shell and lots a little cilia next to their suckers
the other sub order, which we will be looking at today, are the incirrina
no internal shell, although some do try to fake it, no fins 
but 100 percent amazing
many of you will know the amazing color and texture changing capabilities of the octopus
as well as its ability to fart ink at a moment's notice evolution at its finest 
however perhaps the most remarkable feature of the octopus is its intelligence
they are the most intelligent of all of the invertebrates
technically not tons of competition there
I mean clams are stupid, I'm sorry I said it! but they are dumb as hell
what is amazing is that while octopuses can
learn and remember complex tasks like
opening child-proof jars and moving through mazes
they are using an intelligence that has evolved very differently than our own
unlike our intelligence, which is mainly centralized in our head hole
the octopus hands distributed intelligence three-fifths of all its neurons are located in its arms
in a way each of its arms actually has a mind of its own
which is amazing
unless after a while you found out that one in your arms was an a**hole
that would suck
these arms are so capable that even when they are severed they will continue to search for and capture food
and then try to bring that food back to a non-existent mouth-hole
some octopuses will actually remove one of their own arms when threatened
and let it wriggle away to confuse the hell out of predators
data point of one but it would confuse the hell out of me
each arm of the octopus is equipped with over 250 suction cups
each one with the ability to rotate and grasp independently
not only are I they grabby grabby, but the suction cups contains sensory receptors
which allow it to taste and smell what it touches
this is an ability I'm glad I don't have
it is widely known that the interestingness of an animal 
is proportional to how difficult it is to figure out where it's butthole is
the octopus is therefore very interesting
because its mouth is exactly what I thought it's butt should be
I'll be honest with you I still don't really know where it is
but my search history does contain the phrase "pictures of octopuses butt"
inside the octopuses mouth is a beak, the only hard part of the incirrina body
meaning that the octopus can squeeze through any hole larger than its beak
the tentacles guide food toward the beak 
where venomous saliva incapacitates pray before the horror begins
I told you clams are stupid
when it comes to moving the octopus has a variety of options
it can crawl or use a water jet called a siphon
or (laughing) it can do this, which is my favorite
some scientists have argued that two of its arms should be characterized as legs
I wonder why it can walk (breaking into laughter)
octopuses can even move on land, quite effectively
yes they get a little mushy on land, but don't judge it's like reverse shrinkage
imagine what they think when we skinny dip
"what happened to your little arm?" that's what they'd say
although the octopusses eight arms may seem identical
one of the males arms is actually a hectocotylus which functions like a penis
therefore shaking hands with the male octopus is sort of like playing Russian roulette
but instead of dying, you risk your hand getting pregnant
the hectocotylus is used to transfer spur metaphors to the female
by thereby inserting it into a hole in her mantel
or by tearing it off and presenting it to the female for later use
to understand this, imagine if you are on a date, and your date reached down and...well
that is how an octopus do
to the octopus human sex looks really really boring
like we're just saying hello to each other 
because when they get it on, it can get crazy
when the female his fertilized her eggs
she retreats to an underwater crevice and it attaches her eggs to the roof
she will stay with them, gently blowing fresh water over them
protecting them as she slowly starves to death
basically everything they do is hardcore
when her job is done she is gone, but thousands of little babies emerge
floating, just beautiful, sort of like the ending of Charlotte's Web
except on the water...and without the farm animals too
they would all drown- they would die- the dancing pig wouldn't last a second really...
sort of, babies, interspersed with these dead and rotting animals being eaten by fish
it's a different story really- less appropriate for children
and I- the duck would do okay, but one floating duck does not a children's book make
just remember if you're writing a children's book
one animal can die, not all of them, only a clam would write that sort of crap
and they are dumb as hell
