

MOTIVATION  
AND  
CONFIDENCE

Tom Danger

Copyright © 2020 by Tom Danger

Blurb Edition

First printing April 26, 2020

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by reviewers, who may quote brief passages in a review.

Front Cover Image by MEF  
Designs Editing by  
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# TABLE OF CONTENTS

Title Page

Foreword

Chapter One

Who Am I? Who Are YOU? Understanding who you are, and how the past may have affected the present

Chapter Two

A clear and simple method to instantly improve your confidence

Chapter Three

How To Maintain Your Newly Improved Confidence

Chapter Four

Feeling Down? What To Do About That? Prayer - Meditation - Chili

Chapter Five

Reasons For Lacking Confidence: Teasing & Bullying Can Prompt Emotional Withdrawal

Chapter Six

Where You Can Apply Specific Techniques

Chapter Seven

Struggling With Communication? Become Your Own Brand

Chapter Eight

The Importance Of Being Yourself

Chapter Nine

Never Fitting In - The Gift And The Curse

Chapter Ten

Creating a Power Circle

Chapter Eleven

Put Some Style On It (Non-verbal communication)

Chapter Twelve

Steel Sharpens Steel

Chapter Thirteen

Maintain Your Confidence

# FOREWORD

My name is Thomas A. Brown, also known as _Tommy Danger - The Now and_ _Laterman._ I'm an aspiring triathlete, a goal that requires a fair amount of self-confidence. I'm also the Director of Finance for an Ivy League University, a position of trust and responsibility, which also requires confidence.

It's possible you've heard my name mentioned as a motivational speaker, or as an entertainment industry entrepreneur. Those activities require confidence as well.

My first book was entitled _Motivation and Confidence_. In this book, I've delved more deeply into the concept of Confidence; where it comes from, how to build and strengthen it, and how it can sometimes be shaken or lost along the way. I've also shown how bullying, even as far back as childhood, can impede confidence, even as you grow into adulthood. And then, I've provided you with _simple ways to_ _rebuild your confidence_.

If you've ever struggled to speak up for yourself, then this book is for you. If you've sometimes found it challenging to exercise authority over your own life, this book is also for you. If you want to upgrade your confidence level in order to improve your professional life, this book is for you as well.

I've not written this book in a wordy, scholarly format. I've not filled it with studies conducted by Ivy League professors. Nor have I written it for use by a corporate sponsor.

Instead, I've simply written this book, telling you a little bit about my own life along the way, to help you build and improve your own confidence. Because if I can do it, you can do it too.

**Tom Danger**

**_"Low self-confidence isn't a life sentence. Self-confidence can be learned, practiced, and mastered--just like any other skill. Once you master it, everything in your life will change for the better."_**

\- Barrie Davenport

#### **What you will gain from this book:**

There are thousands of books in the self-help category. What makes this one different?

This book was written from the perspective of a little kid from a broken home who grew up in one of the worst neighborhoods in Harlem, struggled with a speech impediment, a weight problem, suffered from a painful skin condition on his face and hands, a kid whose clothing was constantly ridiculed, who never managed to fit in, was mercilessly bullied, then withdrew into his shell, having lost all of his self-confidence.

And then... managed to figure out how to turn his life around.

I was that little kid. This story in this book tells you how I managed to become both personally and professionally confident and successful at what I do, regardless of what kind of setting I found myself in. I learned how to turn my weaknesses into strengths, and I have done this repeatedly throughout the remainder of my childhood and then my adult life. I will show you how you can do the same thing.

There are certain areas of my books to which young African American males in particular may strongly relate, but the lessons I share are not limited to either a single demographic or to a specific gender. Girls are not immune to these problems.

I have witnessed young people struggle with confidence due to peer pressure.

I've seen adults who are professionals struggle to find the confidence required to improve daily work routines and/or move forward in their careers. I speak from experience when I tell you that I have struggled with both. Building your confidence is a never-ending and evolving state which requires internal and external tools to be effectively applied. Eventually what you do to grow and maintain your confidence will simply become automatic.

You will gain from this book what you choose to apply, based on personal practice and implementation.

Are you the type of person who sometimes struggles to relate when introduced to new people? Have you ever felt overly shy? Do you sometimes wish you could just run and hide rather than have to speak in front of a small or large group of people? Do you sometimes find yourself struggling to find a better way to communicate with your boss or other figures of authority? Do you occasionally feel as if you'll never fit in, no matter what your surroundings are? If you answered yes to any of these questions then this book will help provide you with the tools to be a better you. More importantly, thirty days should be more than sufficient for you to begin to see positive results.

The goal of this book is to build up your confidence. It doesn't really matter what stage of life you're in, because there is always room for improvement. If you are young, attempting to achieve the level of confidence needed for the adult you plan to become, I will show you though my own past experiences how to do that.

If you are a mid-level manager in your career and are looking to get to the next level I can also tell you how to do that, based on my own past experiences. If you are looking to build up your self-confidence so that you can feel powerful, knowledgeable and project authority when you step into a room, speak in front of a group of people or talk on the phone, I can tell you how to do that as well, once again, based on my own past experiences.

As a child, most of my lack of confidence came from being told by others who were either mean-spirited or failed to understand the damage bullying could do, that I wasn't good enough. The most dangerous part of this is that a kid can actually start to believe it.

As a very young child I had no fear because I did not know what fear was. It wasn't until the idea of fear was instilled in me that I began to be so cautious that I began to doubt myself. That self-doubt slowly lowered my confidence.

Each person will have a different story, a different recollection for why they lack some confidence today. Regardless of your circumstances you will take away from this book the ability to reprogram your mind to become a greater person. A more confident you.

So if you are ready to accept the challenge to become a better you and enjoy a story or two along the way, then this book is for you. My goal is to help as many people as possible to be the best that they can be, to hold their head up high and confidently walk forward, ready to meet the future.

The text is constructed in the following ways: Overview, Subject, Story, Solution.

Not every solution will work the first time you try it. It is a process that takes time.

However if you stick with the process, you will begin to see and feel a difference within yourself and ultimately you will realize that you've experienced a boost in your level of confidence. If you are serious and exercise a little bit of discipline, then you will achieve your goal. If you could use a little help with your discipline then I recommend getting a confidence partner who is willing to commit to do the exercises with you, and the both of you can take the confidence building journey together.

Confidence is a state of mind that comes from truth. Once you realize that you must be truthful to yourself, that's half the battle. You will learn how to turn off of the negative energy that comes your way on a daily basis. Growing up I was around people who appeared to be confident but it was all a façade. It was people who surrounded themselves with material items to convince themselves that they were confident when that wasn't the case at all.

You will learn to become more confident without relying on material items to boost your self-esteem. You are going to learn how to build your confidence from deep within. It will start off slowly and over time pick up force. You may need to give it a small nudge in the right direction from time to time, but the force itself will keep it in motion.

You will learn to make better decisions. You will also learn from decisions that didn't turn out particularly well. It's the learning that's important. The most significant part of the renewal process is that once you have elevated yourself to a new level, you'll have the ability to help someone else reach the same level of self-mastery. You can become a mentor yourself.

Are you ready for the challenge? Are you ready to be honest with yourself? This process can be made in measured steps. Rest assured if you stick with it, you will see positive results.

I am proof.

# CHAPTER ONE

## Who Am I? Who Are YOU?  
Understanding who you are, and how the past may have affected the present

I was born Thomas Avance Brown in Harlem, New York on August 1st 1974. I still call Harlem home. I have been married to my high school sweetheart for over twenty years, and we have four amazing children.

Harlem is a unique place, one which many people consider the epitome of Style, Art and Fashion. During the 1920's and 30's it represented the heart of black culture in America. Harlem starts at 110th Street and Lenox, and goes all the way up to 155th and Frederick Douglass Boulevard.

Residential areas in Harlem include the historic brownstones which were originally constructed in the late 1800's for an upper middle class population.

With the advent of the stock market crash of 1929 and the Great Depression, followed by the Recession, then World War II, much of the country, both rich and poor, struggled to financially recover. Those handsome, low density brick and brownstone residential areas grew crowded with the incursion of higher density post-World War II tenement housing. It grew even more crowded when condos and co-ops joined the neighborhood. Yet, the area still managed to retain its character and its distinct personality.

Harlem has been a home (and a second home) to many notable and talented people over the years. Louis Armstong, Count Basie, W.E.B. DuBois, Duke Ellington, Marcus Garvey, Lionel Hampton, Billie Holiday, Lena Horne, Langston Hughes, Zora Neale Hurston, Joe Louis, Madam C.J. Walker, Fats Waller, Harry Belafonte, Sammy Davis, Jr., Malcolm X, Judge Thurgood Marshall, and scores more. In 2002 the poet Maya Angelou found herself charmed by a crumbling 5-story 5,640 SF brownstone built in 1912, and had it fully restored.

Unique architectural details and artifacts in Harlem are both many and memorable. The area boasts such gems as carved stone heads of lions which guard entrance ways, graceful images of birds displayed in the ornate wrought iron-work of fences, polished marble columns which softly glow with a museum-quality patina and more. The beauty of Harlem has always felt to me like the style came from the ground. You can feel it in your bones when you walk down the streets.

### **The Effect of Childhood Experiences on Levels of Confidence**

My mom and dad lived in Staten Island for a short period of time until they separated, which was when I was about seven. I used to think that Staten Island wasn't that cool a place until I first heard Wu-Tang Clan, the famous hip-hop group from the 1990's, and learned that we had once been neighbors. We'd both lived in building One-Sixty.

As a kid growing up I was fortunate enough to live in a Harlem Brownstone.

When my mom and dad separated, my mother, my sister Toshiba and I had moved back to Harlem to live with my mother's parents who owned a brownstone there. It was a blessing in disguise that their spacious brownstone had a separate apartment and that it was available when the three of us needed it. Our brownstone needed a lot of TLC but since family owned it, it was the one thing I was able to brag about. There was no other kid on my block whose family was fortunate enough to own their own home.

After the separation, my mother set herself a goal of working part time during the day and going back to school at night, so she could land a good full-time job.

My grandmother ran a tight ship. She would always say "everybody has to work." Whether it was washing dishes, taking out the garbage, putting coal on the fire, cleaning up after the dog, sweeping the hallway, running errands, carrying groceries, or running numbers around the corner to Scotty's, you had to work. Working gave me a sense of character, and although I was still a little kid, it made me feel like a big boy.

One of my heroes was my grandfather. He was Korean War veteran, a construction worker, a musician (he played the trumpet), and a family man.

Times were still pretty tough back then, and he had a family to take care of, so my grandfather had a second profession. He was a loan shark. When his co-workers in the construction industry found themselves in a bind, when they needed fast cash, and didn't have anything to take to the pawn shop, they knew they could depend upon him to find the money for them.

My grandfather always took pride in his appearance, but when he dressed up to go out on weekends, or attend special social events, or when he played trumpet at the jazz clubs, the man looked especially sharp. Suit tailored, shoes shined, crisp white shirt, pocket square, and cufflinks. He was clean shaven, and his hair was fried, dyed, and laid to the side.

I remember watching my grandfather shave on a Sunday afternoon. He'd get a wash pail and fill it with warm water, then use a boar's hair shaving brush to massage the shaving cream into the skin on his face. He'd take his time and use a straight razor to shave with the grain, long strokes from the upper cheek down to the lower neck. Stroke after stroke, his skin looked so smooth. When he was done he took a warm damp towel to clean his face. In the final step he would splash on some after-shave to seal his pores. I was fascinated and amazed. I think it may have struck me as a ceremony of manhood.

At the age of 8 I remember getting a plastic butter knife to practice pretend-shaving in the mirror. I was hooked. I wanted to look as cool as my granddad.

We didn't have much when my mother left my father, but she vowed not to depend upon him for anything, and that included basic necessities like clothing, a bed, or for that matter, financial support.

My sister Toshiba is three years older than I am, and although we're total opposites, we love each other to death. After my parent's divorce my father eventually began a new family, which gave Toshiba and me four half-sisters, so out of my father's six children, I remained his only son.

Our home was full of love, laughter and discipline.

But no matter how much love there is in a home, and there was definitely a lot of love in ours, if a family unit is broken it can still be difficult for children affected by the split.

Bullying by other kids is definitely not a recent phenomenon. Often, the root of a lack of confidence as an adult can be traced back to childhood. Happily, once you figure that out, the problem is fixable, and I'm living proof.

### Bullying and/or the Problem With Not Fitting In

While my mother worked hard to provide the little that we had, I didn't fit in with the kids in the neighborhood. Their families might not have owned their own brownstones but they did manage to give their kids some of the nicer things in life.

The other kids on my block had cool, expensive, name-brand clothes and sneakers. Obviously, my sister and I didn't.

While everyone else was wearing Nikes™ we were wearing skips. "Skips" meant whatever Mom decided was a good quality sneaker on sale for a reasonable price. Since that was what my mom could afford, that's what we wore. She would always try to tell us that they had the same "look, color, and material" as the expensive shoes. Only the all-important logo which effectively advertised the fact that the shoe was expensive was missing. She seemed to think that saying they _almost_ looked the same would actually make a difference. Like our skips would not be looked down on by the privileged kids, the ones whose parents bought them expensive, designer-brand products. "As _-if,_ " __ I thought sarcastically.

We had so little that we had to take extra good care of what we _did_ have. It was actually a good lesson, passed down from the generations of our family who had struggled to survive not only the Great Depression, but all those years before and after Emancipation. _Waste not, want not_.

My grandmother was originally from South Carolina, and she came to New York on her own at the age of 14. She would tell me stories of how she'd been raised under extremely frugal means. One jar of mayonnaise and a loaf of bread was the meal for the week. Clothes that were passed down from one child to another were patched, mended, even re-sewn to fit the recipient. My grandmother was always making the most out of what some may have thought was nothing, so it was clear from whom my mother had inherited her own frugal ways.

I had only two good pairs of jeans and three shirts for school, so the house rule was that when we came home from school we had to change our clothes. We'd take our school clothes off and put on play clothes, so we wouldn't mess up our good clothes. Our play clothes were mostly cut-off jeans and old t-shirts, some of which were a little ragged by then.

I knew when I went outside to play that my homeboys were going to make fun of me. Everyone else on the block was still wearing their normal school clothes. But not us.

So, not only were we not wearing fashion-forward school clothes like everyone else when we went out to play, we were wearing clothes the other kids often made fun of. That's when the teasing and the bullying first began.

At that point in my life I honestly didn't know which was worse, getting ragged-on by the other kids for not fitting in, or living in a broken home. Although I did have my grandfather, I was still of an age where I really missed having a father around.

Before long the bullying took a personal turn. Eventually it reached the point where I began to wonder if something was actually wrong with me, since it seemed as if I was being attacked all the time. I was even made to feel as if my skin color was the wrong shade. I used to get teased and called "piss color" or "cornbread", because I wasn't as brown as everyone else on my block.

I also used to be a little bit chubby as a kid, and one of my cousins thought it was funny to pinch my chest and shout that I had man boobs. As a kid who was already being bullied, that actually scared me. I became extremely conscious of how I looked with my shirt off. I worried that someone else would say the same thing, so for a long time during my childhood I refused to even take my t-shirt off at the pool because I didn't want anyone to see my chest at the pool because I didn t want anyone to see my chest.

One of the clothes-related problems was that some of the kids on the block would call me "bummy boy" and tell me that I looked like a bum. A few of my play clothes actually did have a couple of holes in them, and to other kids it didn't look cool.

Cool seemed to be the operative word, so they made it abundantly clear that I probably wasn't cool enough to hang with them.

The eventual result was that I went from being a normal, active, happy kid who had loved being the center of attention, to the kid who felt like he wanted to cry from the non-stop bullying. I began to stutter, something that can be prompted or made worse by being nervous or feeling pressure. As if that weren't enough, I also developed stress-related eczema on my face and hands. The combination of everything killed my self confidence. It also made me want to keep to myself and not socialize. I began to blame myself for not being able to fit in.

Sometimes I preferred to hang out with the girls because they didn't hassle me. I also enjoyed reading books. Naturally that just made me an even bigger target.

The more that I was teased, the further I withdrew. I had been named for my dad, but his nickname was Tommy and my mom didn't want anyone calling me little Tommy, so some people in the family started calling me Tom-Tom, like the Native American drum. Naturally that kick-started the Indian jokes.

My best friend Noah seemed to always have the latest fashions and video games. He didn't do especially well in school, and he was always getting into trouble, but his parents still kept him looking cool. Noah had older twin brothers.

My friend Damien was kind of like Noah, but he didn't have as much gear or as many gadgets as Noah did. Instead, he had just enough of the latest fashion to say he was down.

Gilbert, on the other hand, was great at sports. It was a safe bet that he'd always be wearing the most popular, and the most stylish high top sneakers on the market.

I didn't play any sports, nor did I have any cool gear, and I was always being picked on about the clothes I was wearing. I began to feel like I was down with the crew by default. We played together, but we weren't equal.

One day, Noah asked me, _"Tom-Tom, why you always look like a bum?"_ The words cut me like a knife, and although I was bleeding inside, I didn't say anything back.

Then our friend Damien jumped in and asked, _"Why do your shoes look like that? You always have on skips."_

Not to be outdone, Gilbert piled on, and at the very moment when a group of girls our age were walking by, he said loudly, _"Dag Tom-Tom, you look like the_ _bummiest kid on the block."_

And the girls started to laugh at me.

I felt like I wanted to die. Why would my supposed friends talk about me like that? We were from the same block and same crew. I knew my Mom was doing the best she could me for at the time, but that didn't seem to matter when the rest of the world looked at me like I didn't fit in, like I wasn't an equal. I literally had to struggle to keep from crying.

I stopped going outside as much as I used to.

But it wasn't just my so-called friends. I was being bullied by family members as well. Some of my cousins thought it would be hilarious to start addressing me as Tom-ass instead of Thomas.

I began to fantasize sweet revenge.

I would watch karate movies on channel five, hoping that Bruce Lee could teach me some moves so that I could kick someone's ass if they kept teasing me. I'd try to imitate the moves when no one was watching. I'd jump off furniture trying to do flying kicks.

Of course none of that worked when I got into a fight. All the karate moves went right out the window. But as it turns out I was one heck of a runner. I could run super fast. I was probably the fastest kid on my block, but running from my battles didn't make me stronger. It just made me weaker.

All day, every day, I'd bottle everything up inside. I'd literally beat myself up if I made a mistake or did something wrong, and I became more and more reclusive.

I began to think I could lessen some of the pain by setting small fires. I was fascinated by the colors in the fire. I would set different things on fire just to watch the flame and see how different materials (newspaper, cardboard, toilet paper, bits of plastic) responded to burning. It felt like therapy.

One day instead of going outside to play I was in the bathroom with a book of matches. I'd strike a match and drop it into the waste-paper basket. I was experimenting with how fast the match went out before it landed in the basket. The matches automatically went out before they hit the little tissue-filled waste-basket. But after the sixth match went out, the seventh one didn't. It hit the top tissue in the basket and instantly flared up.

My eyes grew wide, my pulse raced, and my heart skipped a beat! I was terrified that Mom was gonna catch me I ran into the kitchen to get a Dixie cup filled with water. The distance between the toilet room and the kitchen was about twenty feet. I'd start out with four ounces of water and spill most of it running back to the waste-basket, so there wouldn't be enough left in the cup to douse the flame. Then I turned around and ran back toward the kitchen for another cup of water, but the same thing kept happening, and the fire just kept burning hotter and higher. I was in total panic! By then the waste-paper basket was fully ablaze; there was a bright red flame, and smoke began to fill the house.

My mom was in the living room when she smelled the smoke. She yelled, _"What_ _are you DOING?"_ and took off at a dead run. There I was, still trying to put the fire out with the Dixie cup of water.

She took one look at the situation, filled a mop bucket with water and quickly drowned the fire. Good timing, because the fire was already beginning to melt the tile on one wall. But I took one look at the expression on her face, and I swear my life began to pass before my eyes.

My mom made sure the fire was completely out, then she dragged me into the living room, made a pallet on the floor and whipped me butt-naked until my aunt begged her to stop.

She yelled at me, _"You wanna play with fire? Boy, I am gonna light your ass on_ _fire!"_

In retrospect, I realized that I could have burned the entire house down and hurt all of my family. But I hadn't wanted to hurt anyone. I was just hiding in my shell, trying to find something to do to stop the hurting, to stop feeling worthless. Instead, all I managed to end up doing was to make things even worse. Predictably, I retreated even further into my shell.

All these years later, and I still remember like it was yesterday, came the day when everything changed. The kid I had considered my best friend was once again poking fun at me, and I had reached the point in the bullying where it was either bust out crying, or make up my mind to change things.

In my head it was like somebody suddenly switched on a light and I was able to see things clearly. I decided that I was NOT going to cry. Instead I took a deep breath and in my mind I yelled to myself, "I will NEVER be called bummy again!"

It was a pretty major moment of enlightenment, especially for a little kid, to suddenly realize that _I actually possessed the power to change my own life_. And it was at that very moment that I began to build my self-confidence.

My mother had always told me to take pride in myself. My sister and I may have had only the bare essentials, but we were always neat and clean. Even as a little kid, my appearance in school had always been sharp. I remember back when I was in the fifth grade, I was ten or eleven at the time, and every Wednesday we had Assembly. The required attire for Wednesday's Assembly was a white shirt. Thinking back, I don't recall why it was that we were supposed to wear white shirts, but since I didn't even own a white shirt, I couldn't have done it anyway. The majority of my class did have white shirts, however. My own class arrived in the auditorium ahead of most of the others and we were supposed to quietly stand at attention while the remaining classes filed into the auditorium.

Once everyone was there, Principal **** Bardsley stepped up to the podium and smiled. "Look at you young men," he said admiringly. _"You are bathed, clean, and_ _neat. Not all of you are wearing your white shirts today, but the way you present_ _yourselves shows me that you are at your personal best."_

That comment has stuck in my head for my entire life. I may not have had the cool things like everyone else, but I did take pride in the way I presented myself. The way he phrased his comments told me that Principal Bardsley himself had recognized my efforts. It was an enormous confidence builder for a bullied child.

I found it reassuring that an older male, a man whom I respected, had made that comment. It represented yet another turning point for me. I began to ignore negative comments. I was becoming my own man. The words that used to hurt started to sound like words of jealousy. It began to go from _"Why you look like_ _that?"_ to _"How do you wear styles like that?"_

As a kid I was a fan of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. I remember asking my mom to get me a cardigan sweater and blue skips. My mom had finished night school and landed a job with the IRS by then. With no support from my father, my mother had worked her tail off to get my sister and me a full week's worth of clothes. By that time I no longer had to change my clothes after school. She knew I'd take good care of what I had.

I still didn't have any of the brand name fashions that everyone else my age had, so I decided to create my own style. My Aunt used to date a guy who was in the Military. His name was Warren. He was six feet tall, well toned, and I recall that he had a black belt in one the martial arts but I can't remember which one. Probably Judo.

To me, Warren always looked cool. He used to order his clothes from the _International Male_ clothing catalog. I loved looking through that catalog. All the models in the magazine looked just like Warren; tall and fit with strong facial bone features. The clothes were colorful, they fit well, and they had a range of styles which included Casual, Office-Casual, Underwear and Swimwear, and a special style section they called "Gallant" which held particular appeal for self-made men possessing a keen appreciation for fine and stylish clothing. I wanted to dress like the men in that catalog. I'd get hold of a copy of that and spend hours looking at the images, visualizing myself wearing those clothes. I saw myself looking cool. It was likely the type of gear that my friends would one day wear when they were older, but this was the type of clothing that I wanted to wear _now_. The visions, the aspirations, the images in that catalog inspired me, they implanted themselves in my brain and left an indelible imprint.

I started hustling to make a few dollars here and there. Not drug hustling, just doing odd jobs to make some cash. I would help my grandfather out when he did handyman jobs on the weekend. I would also run errands for the elderly folks in my neighborhood. I would make my money and save it.

I will never forget the first outfit that I bought with the money I earned myself. I was in the 7th grade. It was from a store called Tate's on Ninety-Third and Broadway in New York City. It was a five dollar plaid shirt and a pair of dress slacks. It wasn't exactly like the clothing in International Male, but it was a start. When I wore those clothes I was happy with the image of myself that I was presenting to the world. I didn't look like anyone else, and I had bought it myself. My confidence and self esteem soared. I felt cool. I felt like my friends could no longer compare me to them because my clothes never looked like anyone else's. I was totally cool with that. I had begun to grow into my own style.

Being teased and bullied as a child hurt, but I learned to use the pain and anger it generated as fuel to change my life. I used it at first to look like the boy and eventually the man I wanted to grow up to be.

There were still rough days, of course. Nothing changes overnight. But my grandmother could always tell when I was feeling low. I'd come inside hanging my head after being teased and taunted Time and again she would repeat an old adage she wanted me to remember. It was a phrase that had appeared in The Christian Recorder of March 1862, which was barely a year after the start of the Civil War. The Christian Recorder was a publication of the African Methodist Episcopal Church and the words she repeated to me were these; "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never break me."

She repeated that saying to me again and again. She wanted me to always remember it. Initially, of course, I either didn't believe her, or I was feeling so sorry for myself that I didn't even want to hear what she had to say. But she was absolutely right. The words that can hurt you only come from those words that you give power, not the labels that other people place on you.

# CHAPTER TWO

## A clear and simple method to instantly improve your confidence

There are simple techniques that you can use on a daily basis to improve and maintain your own confidence. At this very moment say to yourself, "I am _confident_ ". Don't say it softly, say it to yourself like you seriously mean it, because you do. **"I AM CONFIDENT!"**

Do you feel the difference? Do you notice a change in how your body reacts? You just made a mental shift. As simple as it sounds, the words begin to manifest themselves in your subconscious. You have just taken the first step to being a greater you.

### Walk with your head high, never look down

I remember years ago when I was coming home from work late. I was dressed in business attire and it was already a little dark out. Walking home on those Harlem streets you never know who you're going to bump into or what kind of a situation you could become a part of.

As I was walking down the street I noticed a guy coming my way. He was about six feet tall, medium build, wearing a green jumpsuit. Sort of like a sanitation worker. Those are some seriously strong guys. I didn't want a problem and decided to look down to avoid eye contact.

As he approached, the guy barked at me, "PICK YOUR HEAD UP!"

Startled, I looked up and recognized my friend Noah's older brother Rick. He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Don't walk with your head down, or people may try and take advantage of you".

As crazy as it sounds, he was right. Be aware of the moment that you meet someone for the first time. If you have your head down, avoiding eye contact, you're sending a non-verbal signal that you're fearful of something. It doesn't matter what it is. Just don't do that.

Pick your head up. Briefly make eye contact. Affirm your position and mentally state your confidence. Rick was right. If I didn't keep my head up to non-verbally affirm my confidence, it would have sent a signal of weakness. Your mental confidence should always overpower any non-verbal signals that your body may be inadvertently sending out.

# CHAPTER THREE

## How To Maintain Your Newly Improved Confidence

I learned something interesting from that first outfit, the one I bought with my own hard-earned money in seventh grade.

Clothing and appearance really do play a huge role in one's confidence. What you decide to wear can actually help change your mood. And it definitely doesn't need to be expensive.

Your favorite t-shirt that is sooo comfortable but you still always feel cool when you wear it.

Your good pair of hard bottom dress shoes when polished makes you feel like you're in charge, feel like you're going about your business.

Another simple example is clothing made for activities. Depending upon the style of clothes and type of activity, they may even make you feel as if you're looking forward to engaging in that activity.

Dress up for church and you might look forward to singing along with the choir.

Dress for an evening at a jazz club and mentally you could find yourself feeling like a sophisticated citizen of Harlem in the 1940's wearing a fine looking zoot suit with (as Malcolm X described it) a "killer-diller coat with a drape shape, reet-pleats, and shoulders padded like a lunatic's cell."

The best dress shirt and slacks when combined, silently speaks for you. They say, "Hey, people, look over here! Smile and say hello, and I'd be pleased to smile and say hello right back."

I look back at the times when I was teased as a child and reflect on the painful moments. The painful moments were the ones which actually transformed into confidence. Each new piece of clothing or hairstyle I tried further strengthened my confidence.

Confidence building can be broken down if you allow other people to distort your personal greatness with petty insults. You're in control. Petty insults can be ignored and you can focus on what makes you special. What makes you unique.

You being different, and comfortable with yourself, builds your self-confidence. It is a daily exercise as simple as looking at yourself in the mirror, and assuming the power position. You'll see it in your own eyes. You're comfortable with yourself.

You're comfortable being who you are. There's only one of you, and you're special. You care about yourself, you care about others. You've got this. Once you're grounded with your confidence, nothing can stop you.

### B.U.C. - How you can Build Up your Confidence

I believe it takes a certain amount of humility to be confident. Humility suppresses humanity's unconscious tendency to develop arrogance. You do not need to make a person feel as if they are beneath you in order to be confident yourself.

Look at nature. All living things exist in their own space without trying to overpower each other. That's true even of crabgrass, because to everything there is a purpose, and all living things tend to grow and change.

There is only one of you and you have to honor that. You must understand how to honor yourself before others can honor you. You were not intended to allow conditions, emotions, or material possessions, (neither your own nor those of others) determine the way you should live your life.

For many years as a child I never had the same material items as my peers. Although it did hurt at the time, as I have grown I realize the best way is to have and respect what is rightfully yours. As you evolve and create your Power Circle you will begin to see the difference.

As you get older you may be tested in a different capacity. You may look at your neighbor's house or car and wonder why you don't own something of equal price.

You may have lunch with a colleague and in the process accidentally learn that the salary that person is being paid is higher than that of your own, causing you to feel resentful. You must not allow any of these conditions to affect you. Have faith and believe in yourself.

It's always nice to be on the receiving end of compliments but it's important not to let them go to your head. Compliments can nourish the ego, but you must not allow your ego to be fed so much that it grows out of control.

Young black males in the African American community live by the code of braggadocio; who has the most money, the flyest sneakers, or the best car. In reality, none of that has anything to do with how confident you are. It is just a false symbol of the life that you wish to have.

Truth be told, when you are financially stable from a legit source of income, it doesn't matter. You are content. It doesn't matter what anyone else is doing.

Your happiness is not contingent on a dollar. You are happy and confident being yourself and charting your own course.

I remember being in a meeting once at a lavish hotel with executives from all over the world in New York city. I walked in the room and instantly felt totally out of place. It felt like I had nothing in common with the other people in the room.

I knew one of the guys there. His name was Rob Santella, and he was a man who took no crap from anyone. He wasn't hostile, he was just candid and honest when he spoke. After a bit he walked over to me and said, "You look a little nervous standing here. Is everything ok?" I told him I felt out of place because it looked like I had nothing in common with anyone in the room. He smiled and said "Sure you do. They wipe their ass the same why you wipe yours," and his comment made me laugh. Then he went on to say that if they eat cornflakes for breakfast those cornflakes came from the exact same place that we got our own cornflakes, which was Battle Creek, Michigan.

Rob was right. It didn't matter how _much_ we had in common, it was the fact that we actually _did_ have something in common. It might not have been something of huge significance but it mattered. Those words turned my whole world around. It made me feel confident again. Believe in yourself. You can do anything.

# CHAPTER FOUR

## Feeling Down? What To Do About That?  
Prayer - Meditation - Chili

I make it a point to start every day with a prayer or meditation. I use this as a method to reflect and calm my mind. With technology and the pace of today's world, it's easy to become overwhelmed with information overload.

It was my grandmother's 83rd birthday recently. Her mind was just as sharp and her words every bit as witty as when she was decades younger. During this writing process I asked her to tell me what it was that allowed her to always have confidence. She looked at me and smiled and simply said "Prayer." She said that everything happens for a reason and if it's out of her hands, she just leaves it up to God. These were the words she lived by. No matter how strenuous a situation would become, she never backed down, buckled, or folded. The woman was fearless. She said she knows that there is no obstacle placed in front of her that she cannot handle. Every stumbling block has a lesson attached to it that she embraces.

This is a woman who has been on her own since she was fourteen years of age, she has had two open heart surgeries, she's lost almost all of her immediate family, she's had two strokes and she's paralyzed on the right side of her body. She still speaks up and knows what she wants and bites her tongue for no one. She stands her own ground. Her faith has allowed her to believe and live outside of the physical form. She told me that believing and having faith adds to the circle of power in the universe.

You can consider her emotional strength as a call to action to allow change. If you believe in yourself you can achieve anything. If you have faith in the higher power you can do amazing things. All it takes is spending as little as two to three minutes a day, using positive thoughts, meditation or prayer to make a difference in your life.

Practice letting go and allowing your faith lead you to a greater place. As my grandmother reminded me, Matthew 17:20 tells us that as long as we have a grain of faith in our hearts, even if it's no larger than a mustard seed, it's still strong enough to move a mountain.

Claim your confidence and believe it. Believe in yourself. Believe that you are going to do great. Say it out loud in front of a mirror for affirmation.

### Prayer

The power of positive thinking is essential to building your confidence. The words and thoughts that you express have a way of manifesting themselves into reality. If you want to be more confident you have to say it, you have to believe it. You have to believe that you were born with a divine energy that will allow you to be your personal best. Your mind has to be clear and free from distractions to allow your thoughts to transition to a manifested state.

I've already related the fact that when I was a kid I never felt like I fit in. No matter what I would do it always felt like I came up short, compared to what everyone else was doing. My clothes were never cool enough, my skin color was never dark enough. Add to that the fact that I was raised in a somewhat strict household so I could not stay out as late as everyone else, either.

It wasn't until the pain of being teased for not fitting in was so great that it actually woke me up, that I decided to make a change. It was that very moment that I knew that I was not going to let anyone else ever again try to define me or label me. I wanted to be the best that I could be for myself.

As time passed I began to feel confident in not fitting in. I felt as if instead I was slowly becoming a leader. I also felt confident in saying no, that I was not going to take part in certain activities that I knew to be wrong, no matter how cool I thought it might make me look. I chose to listen to my mother and grandmother's suggestions when they constantly reminded me to be a leader not a follower.

Once I started buying my own clothing I felt even more confident. Certainly, another kid could look cool because his mom bought him name brand clothes and sneakers, but I felt like a boss because I was displaying self-sufficiency by buying some of my own clothes. That small, simple act represented a child assuming a measure of control over his own life, and over his own destiny.

Yes, there were still times when I felt like I wasn't good enough, and that's when I would pray. I would simply ask God to let me be the best person I could be every day.

As a child, of course there's a limited amount of self-determination available to exercise, so I worked within the bounds my mother made available to me. With renewed determination I continued to work on the way I chose to present myself to the world. It might be something as simple as my hair style or my teeth. If I only had three cool looking outfits, I would make sure that my hair and teeth were on point.

As a kid my hair would be faded, with a sharp line. My teeth would be super white with a few gold caps on them. At some point I decided that I would imitate Al **B. Sure!** look with a fade and curls on top. I was certain the girls in my school would go crazy when they saw me, saying I looked very much like him as a young teenager.

Looking back I realize that I gained so much of the foundation I later relied upon to build my confidence from my grandmother. She never let anything get to her, and throughout her life she believed that there was purpose to everything she experienced. She learned from it all and never shied away from facing adversity head on. As an adult I feel fortunate to have had some of her positive energy transcend into me.

Life is sometimes like a pendulum. We alternate from good times to times of struggle. In the moments when you are feeling down you must dig deeper into your faith and know that you can make it through. Know that you are only being tested for what you really want. Don't allow your own mind or someone else's thoughtless words to trick you into thinking otherwise.

At this very moment you can choose to be more confident and be a better you. You will need to take time daily to clear your mind of thoughts that block you from living in the state that you wish. You have to put the thought in your mind that you are confident. Even if you devote only two or three minutes every day to your own positive reinforcement, you need to understand, and to believe, that you _are_ going to make yourself into the very best you can be. You can say this both in your mind and aloud.

Look at yourself in the mirror when you say it. Look yourself right in the eyes and know that you are your only competition. You are not competing with anyone else, because you are unique. See it, dream it. Believe it.

### Meditation

There will be days when you feel as if you are off your game. It happens. Don't let it discourage you. You have been applying the techniques and surrounding yourself with positive thoughts and images, but today is just not your day. You don't feel weak or vulnerable, you just feel as if you are not as confident as you were the day before.

First, don't stress or beat up on yourself. Everyone has a bad day from time to time. Instead of trying to figure out what's wrong or how can you get back to where you were the day before, just be still. Allow all the chatter in your mind to go wild and play itself out until it finally goes quiet.

There is no need for you to walk around with the weight of the world on your shoulders. I've learned that there is no challenge that I am faced with that I can't handle. The same goes for you. The goal is for you to create your own internal peace to keep that flame of confidence going.

There is nothing greater than allowing your mind to become quiet, even if it is only for a minute. You are allowing a muscle to rest that you may have had in overdrive during the entire process. If you are disciplined enough, you can learn to meditate. Meditating daily will do wonders for your mind and body. There are thousands of books out there that teach meditation for beginners, but here's a short cut for beginners:

You're simply going to turn off the outside world for a few minutes so that you can allow the static in your mind to go quiet. Choose to sit in a comfortable chair or on a couch, or lie back if you wish.

You can shut your eyes, or if you have an eye mask, like the kind they sell at the dollar store, you can use that. Alternatively, and perhaps even more pleasant, you can drape a damp washcloth over your eyes when you lie back on a couch.

Next, you're just going to allow the noise in your head to fade away. Instead of worrying about all the stuff you had on your mind earlier, you're going to focus your attention on your own breathing.

You're not doing anything unusual. You're not doing any special breathing. All you're doing is allowing yourself to become aware of what happens to your body as you listen to and monitor the results of your own breathing. The way the air enters your nose and softly travels to your lungs. The way your lungs inflate and how that moves other parts of your body. The way your chest, your rib cage, your belly rise and fall. Picture a scuba diver, but with better fitting gear. You are a pure soul effectively inhabiting a custom made bio-body suit. All you're doing is allowing yourself to become aware of how that suit works.

Each of us has to find our own path to quieting the noise in our head for long enough to mentally reprogram our thought processes. If these are not the right paths for you, they may trigger another idea that will allow you to find the right direction.

Step out on faith when you're ready to do so. Rise back to the level of confidence you were born to have. You can do it!

### Chili

Like everybody else, I have felt down many times in my life. Failures, heartbreak, losing, and not "fitting-in" were a few of the reasons. There is no quick and simple way to deal with feeling down. It's necessary to balance out our emotions. The goal is to not find yourself stuck in a rut that you cannot get out of.

Whenever you're feeling down, the most important thing to do is to surround yourself with positive energy. Use whatever works for you, audio recordings, images, conversation, or place. Anything that can gently raise your spirits when you're feeling down.

When I was a kid, a bowl of chili never failed to raise my spirits.

My mom was not home much when I was young, she was busy working and going to school at the same time, trying to make a better life for us, so I cherished each and every moment we had together.

One of my favorite dishes was chili. Whenever I had a bad day at school or if I was feeling down about something, she always seemed to know, and she'd make chili.

Some people prefer chicken soup, some prefer macaroni and cheese, but for me, chili has always represented the ultimate comfort food.

During the process, Mom would describe to me ingredient by ingredient what she was putting into the pot. Red beans, black corn, ground meat, American cheese, tomatoes, and so on. She would make it with just the right amount of herbs and spices. She'd top it off with shredded cheese so that it always tasted great.

More than anything though, was the fact that I knew that she had made it just for me. The caramelized onions, the corn, the chopped green peppers somehow always complimented the other ingredients perfectly. She'd serve it in a bowl with a spoon, and sometimes we might have a little bit of white rice or a slice of toasted Italian garlic bread with it.

The process of making chili was never fast. She'd get the groceries first thing in the morning and prep everything early. Chili is one of those meals that take time if you're going to make it right. The canned tomatoes would have to be of great quality as this was a base ingredient. It needs at least two to three hours to cook on a slow simmer. You know it's ready when the beans are perfectly al dente.

The meal would just warm my soul. It would take me to a place of peace, love and care. It always reminded me that no matter how tough things were it would always get better. It would give me a sense of hope. The chili was like fuel to get me charged up for my next challenge or recuperate from a minor setback. It was my mother's way of letting me know that she loved me.

Each bite would just take me to another place, and there was a feeling of childhood utopia with each and every spoonful, because I knew she had put her heart and soul into making that special meal just for me.

To this day chili remains one of my favorite comfort foods. Especially after a really bad day. I know that I have one meal that will take me away from everything.

What is your own comfort meal? What does it smell like? What ingredients are in it? What colors are in the dish? What does it taste like? How does it make you feel? All these factors are considered in your dish. If you don't have a special comfort food, are there items that you'd like to try? Or perhaps it's not food that triggers a pleasant memory and generates a sense of comfort.

Maybe there's a special place you like to visit where you can gain that sense of peace. It might be sitting under a shade tree, or walking barefoot along a beach or climbing on the rocks at the edge of the water.

Maybe it's a scent. It could be a whiff of aftershave lotion, or motor oil, or sawdust, or freshly mown grass that triggers a pleasant memory. It might be the scent of a basketball with the memory of laughter on the court.

Allow a pleasant memory to bring you to a state of solitude and reflection, even if it's only for a moment.

# CHAPTER FIVE

## Reasons For Lacking Confidence:  
Teasing & Bullying Can Prompt Emotional Withdrawal

The most common reason for people to lack confidence is self-doubt. We are sometimes led to believe that we are less worthy than we actually are. We might even begin to believe the negative labels mean-spirited people might attempt to place on us, without even challenging their assessment in our own mind.

Bullying often starts in childhood but outside factors can also enter into the equation.

Were you raised to believe that you could do anything that you put your mind to?

Were you told that you possessed the ability to stand out in the crowd and be unique? That it's ok not to fit in, it's OK to look different. Good.

Or were you raised to conform and go with the flow, to struggle to fit in and believe everything anyone else told you? You have a perfectly good mind and if and when you _do_ realize that something doesn't actually make sense, _you also have_ _the power_ to change your life, regardless of how old you are!

If positive values are instilled in us as children then as we grow into adults, that confidence doesn't go away. It might get temporarily sidetracked by teasing and bullying, but it's still there. It can be rebuilt and expanded.

When young children are denied positive reinforcement, or their existing confidence is bombarded with, and overwhelmed by teasing and bullying, they might respond as expected. Victims of bullying, victims of any age, even adults, often find themselves withdrawing as an instinctive defense mechanism. But the moment an opportunity presents itself they _can_ recover their natural confidence and they _can_ regain full control of their own future.

Left unchecked, the emotional wounds left by bullying can fester and young victims can grow into insecure adults. Building confidence is an evolving, never-ending process. And every lesson we learn can add to our confidence.

Looking back at my own childhood it's clear that most of my insecurities stemmed from being teased. I was teased because I didn't look like everyone else. To make matters worse, I didn't have the confidence to stand up for myself. I allowed people to talk about me. I allowed people to get the best of my emotions, which in turn lowered my confidence even further. It was not until I decided that I would no longer _allow_ someone else's opinion to influence my attitude, that my life took a turn for the better.

You can take the same stand for yourself at any point in time throughout your entire life. You have a choice, you _have_ the strength, and you _can_ make that decision.

It's important to remember that being confident can at times be confused with being arrogant. Arrogance is boastful, whereas pride is a private state of mind.

The fine line that must be walked by all of us is to prevent confidence and personal pride from being mistaken for or from actually turning _into_ arrogance.

Confidence and humility go hand in hand.

Never let another man's material possessions influence how you feel about yourself. The same can be said for intellect. Superior intellect is a blessing. We can respect it and admire it in others, and if we're fortunate, we can learn and benefit from their gift. But never let another person's intellect or wealth influence how you feel about yourself.

Neil deGrasse Tyson is American astrophysicist, author, and science communicator. Rodney Robinson was voted 2019 Teacher of the Year. LeBron James is an NBA player, entrepreneur, and philanthropist. Each of these three men were once just regular kids who worked very hard to get where they are today. They've also made it a point to help others along the way.

It's not necessary to be rich and famous to make an indelible impression and be remembered forever by somebody you helped, even in a small way. I still remember the words of Principal Bardsley, from all the way back when I was in fifth grade, don't I?

We are all here in the journey of life to learn. Every moment, every experience is a lesson given to allow us to better understand our journey. What we choose to do with the information we've been provided is up to each of us.

As adults and as parents one of the most disheartening things we can do in this world is to belittle a child. When this happens it can break a child's spirit and create a cycle of self doubt. We are born with all the tools to be great. It costs nothing for you to be encouraging and supportive of others yet there will have been a tenfold return on investment in the life of another human being.

It is important to block out negative energy from people who seek to lower our emotional strength. Learn to recognize those who seek to undermine your confidence. Recognize your importance as parents to tell your children that they are special and smart. This in turn will allow them to grow with confidence in their knowledge of self, to become and stay confident in their own abilities.

# CHAPTER SIX

## Where You Can Apply Specific Techniques

Now that you have a new mantra and have begun applying your confidence-building techniques, you may unexpectedly find yourself being tested. Most of what you have applied will have been effective in your normal surroundings.

The challenge will arise when you find yourself out of your element and in unfamiliar surroundings. That much of a change can have the potential to throw your game off a little bit, or the change may be so significant you may totally be thrown for a loop.

This new environment may represent a challenge, but you're up for it.

Back when I was a college student, I was hired as an intern, a learning position intended to allow college students to gain real world experience as part of their curriculum.

The job was assistant restaurant manager trainee in what was then known as the Tudor Hotel, a landmark European style boutique hotel built somewhere between 1927 and 1931 and located in midtown Manhattan. (After a succession of owners and roughly ten name changes, the Tudor is now known as Hilton Manhattan East)

It's a three hundred room hotel with a restaurant, meeting space, fitness center, and business center. It also provided room service, mini-bars and a 24 hour concierge to assist with finding solutions for requests any of the guests might have on a daily basis. The décor at the time had aesthetic features similar to the Tudor Revival style of the historic Tudor City residential complex, and bathrooms in many suites were equipped with traditional European bidets.

Most of the employees at the time had English accents and spoke of things that I had never even heard of. Hotel guests during that period were typically astute businessmen and women, and there were busy seasonal periods with visits from families who traveled halfway around the world just to experience Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays in New York. The pound/dollar exchange rate was extremely favorable back then, so visitors from Europe and the U.K. had money to burn.

I had thought I looked and felt my sharpest until I first entered this new world. My first impression was, I am never going to fit in here. Not one of these people looks like me or talks like me. There I was, immaculately groomed, I was wearing my best suit, my shoes were shined, my nails were manicured and I had on just enough cologne to leave a scent of manliness. But my suit was not the nicest, nor were my shoes the shiniest. And in a brief flashback from my childhood, I truly felt out of place.

However I knew that I wanted to succeed there, so I vowed to myself that I'd show up and learn everything I possibly could from that opportunity, and I did just that.

The manager of the hotel at that time was a man by the name of Sid Maradani, an East Indian gentleman whose complexion was similar to mine. He was tall, with an athletic build, and I think he reminded me of the models in the International Male catalog. He was smart, well spoken, good looking and very confident. The man literally oozed confidence. I wanted to be just like him and I considered myself fortunate that he was the one who trained me. His confidence wasn't just on the surface. It was an integral part of him. His non-verbal actions spoke just as eloquently as his outer presence.

That was my _Ah-Ha!_ moment. I realized that to fully benefit from this opportunity I needed to convince him I was worth mentoring and I needed to make him part of my Power Circle of confidence. I not only memorized the lessons I was being taught, I studied his personality so intensely that occasionally my co-workers would call me little Maradani. The kidding did not offend me in the least, because at that time in my life, and within that setting, he represented the ideal role model.

One of the most important things I learned during that period was to never to bluff, but to accept what I did not know and to ask questions, so that I would obtain the correct information. Believe or not, most people are more than willing to share information on a subject that they have knowledge of.

The flip side, of course, is sifting through the people who are afraid to admit that they don't know the correct answer to a question and instead volunteer misinformation.

Maradani taught me how to pay attention to the body language of hotel and restaurant guests and then he went on to teach me how to pay attention to my own body language and the signals that it was sending. I found this lesson particularly valuable, not only when I interacted with guests of the hotel and restaurant, but with co-workers as well. This was especially important working with people I had nothing in common with. It gave me an edge. I learned how to study them and within seconds be able to break down the wall of silence.

For example, if a businessman with a serious demeanor came in for an early morning breakfast I could tell from his body language how to engage and at what level. If his tone was very serious I would stay in the same zone to get him what he wanted as quickly as possible, allowing him to get out in time to start a busy day. If a family came in with a big smile and wanted to make small talk, I would take a few extra moments to respond in kind, because they would remember this visit as part of their overall experience. I wanted them to feel welcome and comfortable and know that their patronage was appreciated. A satisfied customer who shares his positive experience with friends is more valuable than a full page ad.

The small techniques, the psychological insights that Maradani took the time to share, allowed me to become more comfortable functioning in an unfamiliar environment. Through repetition those acts allowed me to project both confidence and a sense of authority. My words, my advice were trusted because I cared enough to learn and had been humble enough to ask questions when I didn't know the answer.

Maradani, as my mentor took the time to share what he had learned over the course of his professional career. His lessons provided me with a technique for interaction I continue to use to this very day. Find a strong mentor, a wise mentor, one who genuinely cares about the success of his or her students. With technological advances today that mentor can be either virtual or in person. Choose carefully, and if you consider your mentor(s) worthy, mirror them. You will become what you see and believe.

There may be many times in your life when you find yourself in a new environment and you will question the potential for your acceptance. This is natural, and there is no reason to feel either down or out of place. You must continue to tell yourself every day that you are going to do your personal best.

You must say that this new day is going to be a great day, and you accept all the challenges that come with it. In your mind you must continually manifest positive thoughts to surround yourself with positive energy. When you reach your new environment take time to assess the situation. There is no rush. First impressions may not be correct.

Learn who the powerful people are in the room and then determine exactly _why_ it is that they _are_ powerful. Are they powerful because they're back-stabbers and people are afraid of them? Or are they powerful because people respect their wisdom and trust their guidance? It makes a very big difference.

If they are worthy mentor-material, take some time to just study them. Perhaps some of their traits will be helpful in the new environment. If you are fortunate enough to get a worthy mentor in your Power Circle this will assist in building your self confidence in a new place.

When you find yourself getting nervous about a new scenario take the time to relax, assess and relate. This is just another level in your self-confidence building development.

Once you begin to feel your confidence grow you may ask yourself where you can apply the techniques that you have learned thus far. You have taken the time to make sure that your personal appearance is immaculate. All of the small details in your appearance have been refined. You take your time to ensure that your skin is flawless. Your hair is well groomed. Your style of dress fits both that environment and your personality. Your appearance alone commands respect.

Make it a point to look in the mirror everyday, tell yourself you look good, and that you are ready for any challenges that may come your way.

At this point you may be asking yourself where you can apply this technique. Truthfully you can apply it in all areas of your life. Personally or professionally speaking, walking and talking with confidence will make you more productive in your everyday life. But do remember, you actually _do_ need to know what you're talking about. There's no bluffing allowed if you want to be respected and taken seriously, so you'll have to do your homework.

Learning everything you can about something that interests you personally or professionally is an excellent idea, but do go a step further and prepare yourself for questions not only about what you've learned, but if you have a better idea, maybe even a better way of doing something, be prepared to answer _why_ you think your idea might be better.

Here's something else that's good to remember, and it's important for your self-confidence; if your idea is rebuffed, and you still think it was a good idea, never take it personally. Don't be angry or defensive. Just listen to what's said, be polite, and then later on that evening, when you have time to consider it, think about what you heard. If there was a flaw in your idea, figure out why and fix it. Alternatively, it might only have been the _way_ you presented your idea. The person you were speaking with may even have felt threatened by your intellect.

One of the very best books of all time on how to get people to like you and accept your ideas was written back in 1936. It's called _"How To Win Friends And_ _Influence People"_ by Dale Carnegie. You can occasionally find old copies online for about ninety-nine cents with free shipping.

I was thinking back on a confidence-building opportunity which presented itself when I was still a kid in grade school. By this point I was no longer willing to be bullied and I'd already made up my mind to start to take control of my life. My confidence was still pretty shaky, of course, but I took a deep breath and decided to go for it.

I decided to join a speech team, one in which I would enter into a competition to speak at the United Nations. This was a pretty big deal for a kid who grew up with a speech impediment and was teased by family and friends. Because of that teasing I had been reluctant to speak at all, for fear of being teased even more. But interestingly enough, I learned that there's something empowering about getting in front of a crowd and speaking.

Strange as it seems, I rarely ever stuttered when giving a speech. It only seemed to happen when I was speaking one-on-one or to a small group. When giving a speech as a kid I never thought about being teased because most people don't have the courage to speak in front of large crowds. By having the confidence to do so I already had an advantage over others. It didn't happen overnight like I was a natural, though. It took a lot of practice and learning from my mistakes.

The speech team was composed of fourth, fifth and sixth graders, and some of them were amazingly good. Ms. Marshall was a fourth grade teacher and the speech team was her baby. She singled me out for special attention and I was fortunate to have had her as a mentor. She recognized my potential and saw how much I yearned to succeed at this. It was her gift for teaching which brought out a child's hidden talent.

Speaking on stage was one thing. Speaking off-stage was something else entirely. Once I got off the stage I would still feel a little nervous about speaking to others and I might start stuttering again To solve that problem I began to use the technique of telling myself that I could do it, over and over in order to accomplish my goal. It worked.

The two areas of confidence we've focused on here are appearance and speech. These are actually the two areas where people are likely to judge others most harshly. First people assess your appearance and second they judge you by your speech. They will listen and judge, and use your speech in an attempt to assess both your intellect as well as your level of education. From what they see and hear they will attempt to determine your suitability for inclusion in their social or professional circle.

Your goal is to maintain a high level of confidence in both areas so that you convey the perception that you want others to have of you. If you look and sound weak you will be perceived as weak. If you look and sound confident and knowledgeable, you will attract greater things in your life. This may mean that you can easily interact within higher social and professional circles. It may result in a promotion at work. It may even lead to a better personal relationship.

Again, confidence is not to be confused with arrogance. Arrogance is surrounded by fear and bluster which only takes you so far before your cover is blown and you're judged as offensive.

But the respect people have for you when you are confident _with reason_ , when you know what you're talking about, is something that tends to last, and which can continue to grow.

# CHAPTER SEVEN

## Struggling With Communication?  
Become Your Own Brand

Part of being confident is becoming an effective communicator. Effective communication does not mean you have to use big words, have perfect grammar or great articulation. Effective communication boils down to bridging the gap between two people or groups in order to have a common understanding of a topic or subject.

There was a point in my life when I thought no one would listen to me. As you already know, I feared speaking up because of my speech impediment. I thought it would give people another reason to tease me. I had no confidence then. So I decided to change things.

There will come a time in your own life when you will say enough. It's time for a change. The emotional shift will come from anger, pain, being just plain tired, or wanting to be different. Whatever the catalyst for change will be, run with it.

You do not have to be the most articulate person or have the largest vocabulary in order to confidently express yourself. The most important part is having the courage to speak up. Most people don't speak up because they fear that they will be exposed or embarrassed for what they don't know. If someone asks you a question and you're not certain of the answer, don't bluff! The biggest secret in projecting confidence is admitting there's something that you don't know.

Practice using the phrases, "I don't know but I'll find out for you, give me--- (a few minutes, a half hour, or whenever), or say, "I'll email that information to you by (whenever)" or "I'd rather be certain than risk giving you the wrong answer, so let me find out and I'll get back to you within (whenever minutes, hours, or days.)"

And always, ALWAYS follow through with getting that answer to others right on time. Your word is at stake. Following through earns you respect, a reputation for dependability, and it solidifies people's trust in you for doing what you said you would do. It also marks you as a true leader.

Being willing and open to learning from others will place you in a powerful position. It's a very bold move that the average person isn't willing to take. Most people always want to appear right based on what they already know.

Have you ever heard the old saying " _The squeaky wheel gets the grease"_? That's about being persistent. That means that the one who speaks up when he or she realizes that there's a fixable problem and the one who constantly seeks out correct answers in order to be able to properly mentor others, is the one who will get the attention.

Speaking with confidence does just that. It helps you garner the attention that you may need to learn or get things done. Continually observe the characteristics of other confident people and listen to how they speak. Listen in order to understand what's different about their pitch and delivery. Figure out why they do what they do. Do they gear their explanations toward making things simple to understand, or do they pepper their conversations with words that may be too sophisticated for the audience?

Does the speaker's conversation contain several words that are difficult for many people in the audience to understand? Why? Is he trying to show off?

When speaking to a scientist or doctor and commenting that there are a lot of people where you work who are out sick, it would be fine to use the medical term "Streptococcus pneumoniae" but the simpler term "pneumonia" is better understood by most everybody else. By gearing toward an individual or group with an unknown level of education, it's polite to use the simpler term. You want everybody to be able to be able to understand you when you share your wisdom.

Once you find your voice, pitch and delivery, practice using it everyday. If necessary, be bold enough to tell the world that you don't know the answer to a question. Express how you are always willing to be a student. This will provide you with the tools to develop your brand. How you present and express yourself will be manifested in your current state.

Think about your favorite rapper or even a typical rapper. No matter how lyrical they are, they always create the illusion that they are the best. That no one is better than they are. While all of this plays into the fantasy, it also shows how merely speaking up can create the illusion of confidence.

Knowledge is the strongest pillar of confidence. If you know what you're talking about, you will garner respect for that fact. Actual knowledge is very different than parroting paid advertising or political propaganda. Understand your topic. Do your own homework. Get information from a wide variety of reliable sources so you have a solid understanding of all points of view, then seek out the actual facts and double-check those.

You're going to get into the habit of speaking with confidence every day. If you didn't do it before, you now have the steps to begin to do it now. And you'll be able to keep doing it until confidence is second nature. You won't just sound confident, you will actually be confident.

Struggling with communicating in front of others is not a bad thing. Start small. Take your time and express your thoughts slowly and clearly. And if you don't know the answer to something, be bold enough to listen to the person who does, so you can learn from them. Set your eyes on the goal and shoot for the target. If I can do it you can too.

As time passes you will begin to realize that you are more confident today than you were yesterday. You will have vocalized it. You will have planted the seed in your mind to allow your confidence to grow.

### Speaking To A Group Of People

The means or direction of completing such a task can vary from person to person and vary from culture to culture. Looking a person in the eye and giving them your undivided attention is important to becoming an effective communicator. Repeating what someone has said back to them shows you are truly listening to what they are saying. You don't just hear them, you actually listen and you comprehend what it is that they're saying. Speaking with poise and conviction is a sign of being a confident speaker. Asking a crowd to repeat a saying or word is a technique often used by effective communicators.

So how does one become comfortable speaking to a group of people? Many people are afraid of speaking in front of large crowds. As you already know, as a child I struggled with a speech impediment. Words that began with the letter T, C or B and F were hard for me to enunciate. As I would speak about certain things I could feel a certain level of excitement or stress building in my body. Once I got that feeling the words would get stuck. Of course as a child, all the kids on the block would tease me.

It didn't stop me from speaking though. As a kid I would attempt to use profanity to defend myself and force the bullies to back off. I remember my aunt telling me that when I was little I would drop the f bomb but I struggled to get it out because of my speech impediment.

My mom would always tell me to take my time and speak slowly so that I would not stutter as much. It didn't work back then because I had no confidence to back me up. But I learned.

Although rarely today, when confronted with a great deal of stress (stress happens to everyone, even to me) I might momentarily stutter. It's not a big deal. I accept it as part of who I am, but I've also learned how to control it. I believe that one can practice certain techniques to reduce the number of times in which you stutter. It also works when you don't stutter, when you're simply a bit rattled.

One solution is to breathe. When you feel yourself reaching a word that can't come out clearly or you have momentarily forgotten the word, pause and take the time to compose yourself. Also the pitch in which you speak can make a difference. Sometimes speaking in a higher or lower octave can function like a quick reboot.

If you're working from prepared notes you can make a slash between a section of words to remind yourself to pause and breathe at each slash.

Like this:

Lastly **/** reading **/** or singing aloud **/** can help as well.

Try adding that slash then read a line from your notes aloud. The slash reminds you to pause between words. It works. You could also chant a line from a favorite piece of rap if you momentarily become rattled. You can even sing a line from a song that relates to what you're talking about.

The point is, you remain on topic, your audience stays with you, and that too is a reboot of sorts. Reading, chanting, or singing a line can force your brain to let you pronounce words as they are meant to be spoken.

Even if you struggle with your words, never stop speaking, not during one-on-one conversations, or in small groups or in front of a large crowd. The courage to speak with an impediment, or to continue speaking during a momentary case of stage fright, further boosts your confidence, because it takes guts to say "This is who I am, and I have something to say."

# CHAPTER EIGHT

## The Importance Of Being Yourself

There is no one as special or as unique as you, and it's important that you remember that.

_The world accommodates you for fitting in, but only rewards you for standing out._

_Stand out because you think differently.  
Stand out because you speak differently.  
Stand out because you act differently.  
Stand out because you work differently.  
Stand out because you live differently._

_The world is already full of critics; to stand out, be an encourager.  
Your worth is not what you have, but who you are._

_\- Matshona Dhliwayo, Philosopher_

Your voice, your style and your presence must speak like no other. You must take full ownership of who you are and what you represent. All of this encompasses your individual power. It is your voice and presence which must be felt no matter where you go. It might be difficult to believe this as we live in a society that often says "It's O.K. to be you, but you must look and sound like the rest of us to be cool". That's not true, of course, and it can be very misleading, especially when it comes to being confident.

Your confidence is in its zenith, it's highest power, when you are in direct connection with the inner-you. Your core being realizes that you do not need to compromise your integrity for anything or anyone. It is the central part of you that doesn't take any crap and which actually stands for something.

It is easy to fall prey to the illusion of fitting in. I did as a child and I felt miserable. Your spirit is meant to be free and explore all areas of life without being ridiculed or pressured or bullied. It's to your best interest to surround yourself with like-minded individuals. Either those who share similar goals and aspirations, or those who have achieved a certain level of accomplishments, to which you also aspire.

Growing up in Harlem it was easy for impressionable young men to become blinded by the false sense of confidence often projected by drug dealers. At one point in time I was surrounded by drug dealers who appeared to be living a lavish lifestyle. They were perceived by others as possessing power. They projected an implied confidence. I say implied confidence because when their money ran out or when their material items were gone, most of them seemed to wither away into obscurity. Their confidence wasn't real. It was an illusion. Once their money or possessions were gone so was that false sense of confidence.

Confidence is not based on material items. Confidence is a source of energy that comes from your soul. You are to express that confidence even if you only have two pennies in your pocket. It is the ultimate level of confidence that tells you, you can do anything if you put your mind to it. It's your belief in yourself that supplies you with the highest level of confidence which inspires you to go even farther when you're tired or discouraged, or when you feel weak. It's your confidence which tells you that all you need is a chance and you can make things happen.

Confidence is at the core of extraordinary human beings. Your confidence is an energy that you personally possess, at will continually grow.

Once you realize the importance of being you there is nothing on the planet that can stop you from achieving your personal greatness. Every day tell yourself that today is a new day and you will impact someone's life in a positive way. You will live to do your personal best. The energy you put out in the Universe is what will be returned to you. Choose your thoughts and words carefully.

# CHAPTER NINE

## Never Fitting In -   
The Gift And The Curse

There may be a part of you that wishes you looked, spoke and walked the same way one of the people you admire most does. Ever see an Elvis impersonator? Many of them hide their own talent while trying to be somebody else. The truth is, that will never happen. Each person is unique. And so are you.

Your confidence is displayed best when you stand out and stand on your own. You are not meant to fit in. All of the oddities and interesting things about you are what make you special. You have the ability to embrace your own imperfections and wear them like a badge of honor. You're special. You really are. Go ahead. Display your own uniqueness.

You might not have realized it, but you can look at another person and think that they have a perfect appearance. But often when they look at themselves in the mirror they see what they perceive as their own imperfections. But what are imperfections really? Name one thing in the universe that is perfect. There isn't anything. And if in fact nothing is perfect, then the impact of the word imperfect is negligible.

When I was younger and wore skips and cardigan sweaters to school, the other kids in my neighborhood would look at me like I was a weirdo. Instead I was just displaying a different style. It had simply never occurred to them that they too had the power to stand out in a crowd instead of worrying about fitting in.

There was nothing corny about my sense of style, it was simply different from what they were accustomed to seeing. But naturally their reaction made me feel down. They made me think that I didn't fit in when in fact I had simply begun evolving at a young age. I was on my way to becoming my own person, with my own image and style.

The flip side to evolving into your own person is that during that transition you might be called names by immature individuals. You may not be invited to be a part of certain circles or participate in certain activities, simply because you don't look like everyone else. Being left out will hurt. That's normal, and the pain may last a while, however it will not last forever. And they'll eventually get over being immature.

To me a transitional state feels like there is no beginning, middle or end. There is no element or sense of time. That's the whole point of evolution. Some people evolve quickly while others may take longer. The transitional stage is necessary to building your own self-confidence. It is the journey deep down inside, to the new you. We constantly evolve as adults and that's based on the experiences that we have along our journey.

There will always be some point in time in your life when you may feel as if you don't fit in. It doesn't matter how much money you have, how many material things you've accumulated, or the number of people in your social circle.

Don't worry about fitting in. That's not what's important. It's a matter of staying grounded. It's the ability to walk in confidence no matter what amount of money or status you may have. Even if you're down for a while, don't get discouraged, because it will get better. You can do this.

It's a fact that most people who appear arrogant have something to hide. They may try to shield their insecurities by flaunting material things and surrounding themselves with people who are easily impressed. This is to make you think that they are more than who, and what, they really are. It is the humble soul who can travel in any circle and rise to a virtuous state. Let no one dissuade you from being yourself. Embrace who you are and wear it with pride every day. If you cannot accept who you are and be comfortable with yourself, then no else will be able to either. There is only one you, and you are unique. You are in control of your own existence and you are the one who will choose to walk in confidence.

There may also come a time in your life when it feels as if things are going full circle. It can be a strange experience. The same ostracizing that you once experienced as a kid when not fitting in can be the same emotion you feel once you're already confident.

This may happen when the people in your social circle have chosen not to reach the same level of self-mastery that you have adopted for yourself. They might actually resent the path that you have chosen. They may feel intimidated and verbally strike out by calling you "bougie." Some might claim that you have changed, or that you are a sellout because your path has digressed from theirs.

They may not comprehend why or how it is that you've become comfortable interacting in a variety of social and professional circles. The hardest part about being disparaged this way is that sometimes you hear it from those that you love the most.

As a child most of the verbal attacks came from friends because I could not afford to dress like them, nor did they think that I looked enough like them. My clothes were shabby instead of expensive name brands, and my complexion did not have as much melanin as theirs did. They assumed that was sufficient justification to pick on me.

This is why the acquisition of confidence can sometimes be both a gift and curse. The gift is that you have taken the time and expended the effort to self-assess, overcome your weaknesses and build yourself up until you've become the best that you can be. The curse is being ostracized for doing exactly that, by those whom you love and care about the most.

During your evolution you have become a different person. You have taken the steps to become a better you. You have learned not to let the words or feelings of others impact your personal greatness. The fact that you exhibit self-confidence should serve as an inspiration to others to achieve their own personal greatness.

If you have any people around you who do not wish you the best, or who do not personally aspire to be a better person, you would probably benefit from changing your circle immediately.

Don't allow yourself to experience anger or consider the prospect of revenge for their insults. You are in a greater place. You have trained yourself to function from a position of personal power. Your strength cannot be measured against anyone else because your only competition is you. Your newly created state of mind must not allow any negative thoughts or energy to distort the flow of your power. Remember your confidence should not reflect arrogance or entitlement. Your confidence is humble and self effacing, not self-serving. But remember that the better you take care of yourself the better you can serve others. You are the leader of your own destiny and traveler on your journey.

I vividly recall a recent occurrence that reinforced the suggestion to know when it was time to change a circle.

I had gone to the apartment of a friend, an elderly neighbor, to pick up my children. As I approached her building I noticed a small group of people standing out front, who appeared to be deep in conversation. I didn't recognize anyone, they were all strangers, but I'd occasionally seen some drug dealers and users hanging out there in the past.

The elderly friend had come down to meet me and brought my children with her. She apparently felt emboldened enough by my presence to openly express her displeasure at the gathering of those people. She didn't hold back her colorfully verbal assessment, tossing in a few four letter words for good measure.

Since I had come directly from my office I was still dressed professionally. My clothes bore no relation to what the others in that group were wearing and they seemed to be offended by that fact. They also appeared to resent the fact that I didn't fit in with them and some disparaging comments were directed toward me.

One woman seemed particularly hostile and her commentary ran the gamut from bellicose to defiant to seditious. With a disparaging glance at my clothes she announced "I'm going to be me. I am not going to change like these other bougie people out here."

There was no point in responding. I glanced down at my phone, and as I did it occurred to me that if I had been wearing the same type of clothes and had spoken as recklessly as they were speaking, then I'd probably have been thought of as cool. They'd likely have accepted me as one of them. But because I had chosen to carry myself with a certain level of decorum I was being condemned for "acting bougie." I found it to be a strange moment.

I was put in mind of a similar experience as a child. The worst part about that kind of behavior is that it was hostile energy, and that's the type of thing that can influence impressionable children to act that way toward other children.

At this point in your life you can accept the fact that you will not please everyone so you must begin with pleasing yourself first. That which you resist will persist so give no thought to the comments and behaviors of those who do not wish you the best. Focus on continually evolving to the next level of your personal greatness.

# CHAPTER TEN

## Creating a Power Circle

As you continue to evolve, in your redesigned state of mind and appearance, remember that it is important to surround yourself with like-minded individuals or groups. This in itself is the practice that will allow your confidence to remain consistent. That which you think, is that which you will attract. Therefore it is important to create a Power Circle that reflects your ideal destination. That doesn't necessarily mean it's a single person, it may be an amalgamation, that is to say, a combination of the traits of several people. Your goal is to visualize the new you, the person that you aspire to be, both in mental as well as physical form.

If you don't have appropriate role models nearby, that's not a problem. You can begin to evaluate potential prospects from the public sphere. Choose those whom you consider to have admirable character traits, then consider why you selected those people.

Create a Power Board. This is a board full of your heroes or people to whose level of success you currently aspire. Place this board, this list of names, someplace where you can easily view it, but where it remains private, viewable only by you yourself. You don't need outside interference based on why you have chosen to look up to certain people. This is your personal memoir for your journey. You can do it the old fashion way and get a cork board and add the actual images, or you can create a file in the cloud, or you can use Pinterest with a Private Setting. I personally enjoy Pinterest as it is easy to add or remove images, with the option to make the board public or private.

Allow your imagination to run as wild as it can and think of people worthy of your admiration. People you'd like to be mentored by. Once you have developed your board you can begin to assess your past and current relationships to see who is likely to be the most influential as you embark on your journey.

If you have someone close to you that might be a suitable mentor, then great. If not, begin to think about who you would want to form a relationship with to assist in building your self-confidence. Your Power Circle should include those who are going to wish you well on your journey. Those would be people who will provide words of encouragement when things seem to get tough, or you seem to wander off course.

People within your Power Circle may or may not look like you. None of that matters. You're looking inside, at character, at grace and humility, at wisdom, at a cool head, at an innate kindness and an absence of arrogance. The way a person carries him or herself, the way they present themselves to the world, making it clear that they are willing to listen, to learn, to grow. All of that is what's important.

The people within your Power Circle may not even speak the same language. That does not take away from the level of confidence they display non-verbally and how you can learn from their actions. Your Power Circle is no set number of people. There are no minimums or maximums. If you have one good individual that you aspire to learn from and who is active in your life, then you are good. It is quality over quantity.

Your Power Circle should include those who are honest with you and are not afraid to tactfully tell you the truth, as opposed to what you might prefer to hear.

Criticism is most valuable when it is considered constructive instead of judgmental. Respect is a two-way street.

As I've previously mentioned, one of the most influential mentors in my personal Power Circle was my grandfather. He wasn't loud or boastful, but he could command attention with his mere presence. He possessed a refined demeanor.

His clothing was always meticulous, face clean-shaven, hair groomed, and shoes shined. What I saw in him as a child growing up and coming of age, taught me a lot about carrying yourself with dignity and respect. Not only did he dress well, but his character demanded respect. His word was good and people instinctively knew they could trust him.

# CHAPTER ELEVEN

## Put Some Style On It  
(Non-verbal communication)

Nonverbal communication can be one of the most powerful tools available to you when it comes to expressing your confidence. Your ability to display confidence without using words actually goes further than spoken words. It has nothing to do with height and build, money, or social status. It's more of a state of mind.

Once you have created your Power Circle and created a privately held board of mentors to study, it will be time for you to set things in motion. Naturally when you first begin to evolve you may find yourself emulating those that you have been studying. This will be done in an unselfconscious manner and it is a necessary part of the learning process; exploring the newness of you. Once you have begun to understand those whom you have studied, it will be time for you to take a deeper look within yourself to identify who you become when you find yourself in the presence of others.

Have you ever taken the time to analyze the body gestures of very confident people? What traits do they have in common? Are there attributes that you can see yourself mirroring?

I enjoy watching a group of people interacting as part of a forum, particularly when they're deep in discussion in front of an audience. It gives you the opportunity to see how individuals hold their own amongst others in an intellectual conversation. In this type of environment no one is using bravado to express their opinion or viewpoint. And polite people do not interrupt others who are speaking. They wait their turn. We do note that strong hand gestures and facial expressions are often used to reinforce the confident language or tone in which some of the members of the forum speak.

Then it's your turn to practice. After you have taken the time to stand in front of a mirror and you have practiced thoughtfully expressing positive thoughts, doing what is sometimes known as painting word pictures, speaking your ideas into existence, it will be time to sharpen your nonverbal skills.

Your nonverbal skills should not have to employ overly-exaggerated hand gestures, nor should you have to wear loud clothing to announce your presence.

Your non-verbal skills should instead be an extension of your unique personality and style. Your skills can be honed by watching yourself speak in the mirror.

What you can also do is use your cell phone to film yourself doing that. This will give you the opportunity to study yourself carefully, and more importantly, impartially. Pay close attention to your body language as you watch yourself speak. You will be able to ask yourself whether what you're doing helps reinforce what you were saying, or if it detracts from the point you were attempting to make.

Repetition will be the key to getting your skills to a point where you can identify what works for you and what works against you. Efforts as seemingly insignificant as standing straight and tall, making direct eye contact, and learning how to shake hands are all important lessons.

### Hand-Signals

Historically extending an open hand to another was intended to display the fact that neither was armed and that the ensuing conversation was intended to be conducted in good faith.

Additionally, a handshake has long been used to signify confirmation of a business arrangement. Once a verbal agreement had been reached, a man's word was considered to be his bond. The two men would then shake on their agreement, to seal the deal.

A handshake can also represent a powerful display of confidence. Curiously, many people still don't know how to shake hands properly.

Some people are under the impression that squeezing a person's hand as if it were a contest of strength, shows how confident they are. Nothing could be further from the truth. I always laugh at the notion of a person squeezing my hand as hard as they can, because I know my own strength. Personally I prefer to respectfully show a balance of strength and cordiality.

The purpose of a handshake between two people is to signify trust, respect and equality. It was never intended as a contest of strength. An overly aggressive or vice-like handshake actually suggests that the person crushing your hand is attempting to compensate for their own insecurity. That type of handshake can also be misunderstood as an act of hostility.

A firm handshake, looking the other person directly in the eye sends a very important signal. In a business setting it lets both parties know that they are on an equal playing field for the discussion at hand.

The handshake grip can itself convey meaning. Some people may offer only their fingertips, not fully embracing or accepting your offered hand. Not only can this unintentionally suggest distaste for your presence, weak handshakes in general leave an overall negative impression.

Then there are those who, when shaking your hand, may childishly attempt to display masculine dominance by twisting their hand to the left, repositioning the handshake so that your hand is on the bottom, with their hand on top.

There is yet another handshake gesture. Clasping another's hand with both of their own (or vice-versa) can signify a warm, brotherly friendship. On the other hand, if a man briefly clasps a newly introduced woman's hand in such a manner, the two-handed handshake can sometimes be interpreted as a flirtatious gesture.

### Body Language

Another area you'll eventually want to learn to pay attention to is what you're doing with your body while you're speaking on stage or in front of a group of other people. Wandering around the stage with your hands in your pockets, leaning on things, slumping over...none of that is good.

The way you sit in a chair is another way to show your level of confidence.

Slumped or slouched over looks weak or lazy. Sitting upright and tall on the other hand shows attentiveness and authority. Leaning back slightly shows that you are in a somewhat relaxed position, symbolizing that you have the ability to confidently handle the situation at hand.

Your style of dress also matters, both in business as well as with your casual clothing. Clothing can be utilized to reflect your personality, so the colors you choose can also be important. There are several colors that symbolize power and confidence such as red, orange, and black. Accessories can also send subtle clues about your confidence. A style of bracelet or ring can be very powerful as well.

The impression you make depends on how you combine all of these elements to reflect your inner personality. I often suggest finding that one outfit or perhaps an article of clothing or jewelry which makes you feel confident. Find a way to incorporate it into your daily life. Pay attention to how it makes you feel with it, and without it, and see if your idea is effective.

Single items of dress can be used to make people remember you.

You can't think about Neil De Grasse Tyson without remembering his colorful cosmic vests and ties. Mr. Rogers always wore a cardigan sweater. There's no way can you visualize Indiana Jones without picturing his favorite hat, the comedian Randy Rainbow uses those famous pink glasses to amp up his snark, and NBA star Dwyane Wade has actually turned his preference for wearing unique bow ties into a successful business.

Look within your Power Circle for constructive criticism on how your look may or may not appeal to others. Pull up pictures to see how others use their attire to craft their persona.

Building your confidence is a way of life. It is not just one simple quick fix. It can take years of testing, implementing and re-inventing yourself before you're truly satisfied. That's because with every day you will continue to experience and learn new and different things. With consistent focus your confidence and desire to be the best you can be will inspire others and soon you will be worthy of becoming someone else's mentor.

Two of the motivational speakers I most enjoy watching are Les Brown, and Tony Robbins. Each of their presentations are electric. You can feel the energy, hear the passion in each of their voices and you sense the level of intensity with their body movements. There are videos of both speakers on YouTube that you might want to take a look at. If you're just starting out, they would be good mentor choices until you have a chance to explore the idea further.

This is your choice. You get to pick and choose who you'd like to have as a mentor in your private Power Circle. Think your way through the idea. You can add or subtract people any time you like, as you decide who you'd like to listen to and learn from.

Once you have the group of individuals you have chosen to study, you can experiment with mimicking their body movements until you find your own style and movements which will eventually become second nature to you. If you want to become one the greats, you'll first have to study the greats. I am confident that these speakers studied other confident speakers before they settled upon their own style.

During the entire self-building process you will have the opportunity to reach a deeper understanding of who you are, and in doing so you will also identify and develop your own style. Once you have identified your style, as time goes by, your original style, one inspired by mentors will evolve into something that is uniquely your own.

You will come to realize that your ability to maintain a high level of confidence doesn't remain the same either, because life itself is an adventure that changes from day to day. As you continue to grow, events will transpire which will undoubtedly cause you to respond differently, based on what stage of growth you are currently experiencing.

The practices you are able to control will help you on your journey. Always walk tall and keep your head high. Make eye contact when you speak to others to get your point across. Be bold enough to look people straight in the eye as if to say, this is me and here I am. Embrace the person that you are and be comfortable with what you consider to be your imperfections. Others don't see them that way.

They see the whole of you and they like what they see.

Celebrate the daily evolution and continue to surround yourself with like-minded individuals. Your new-found confidence is being created for one scenario. This is a lifestyle change that you have chosen. You will have created the person you have always wanted to be. In traversing this path you will have developed the knowledge and the ability to be both a mentor to and to inspire others.

You will be admired and respected. Use your new-found knowledge carefully. Be responsible and encourage others to do good once they have learned to master this new personal ability. You are now a catalyst for positive change.

# CHAPTER TWELVE

## Steel Sharpens Steel

Proverbs 27:17, "As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend."

This is where the old saying "Steel sharpens steel" comes from. I often use that analogy when speaking about confidence and those with whom you choose to surround yourself. If the people closest to you are people who lack confidence, or whose path in life will not reflect positively on your own life choices, then it will become very challenging for you to enhance your confidence.

It's important to surround yourself with imagery and words of powerful people.

This can be done in many ways today, one of which is watching videos of confident people, analyzing how they present themselves and listening to how they speak. It can also be done with pictures. The internet has an unlimited database of the most confident people in the world. Take time to read about these individuals. Learn about their habits and routines. Find out what drives them to be successful. You can also listen to audio recordings. People who are extremely self-confident have a way with words. They can get their point across using their own style of delivery. There is a particular pace at which they speak. It is very useful to look at individuals who may not have great financial wealth but they enjoy an abundance of confidence, which in turn leads to financial security.

As you become more confident it is important to continually surround yourself with other confident people. In my previous profession, part of my role was to be an effective negotiator. Negotiating is not a "my way or the highway" scenario. It is finding the middle ground where both parties can agree on the outcome.

I was once part of a team of professionals meeting with several administrators of a prestigious Law School in New York City. The purpose of the meeting was to discuss a change in a previous process, and explain to those administrators why the changes were being implemented.

I was accompanied by two other seasoned professionals, both of whom were superb negotiators. In the middle of the presentation one of the administrators created an uproar over the proposed changes. His dissent created a domino effect around the room as others began to chime in with their own objections, which quickly began to snowball. My colleague Carlos, who had been giving the presentation, suddenly realized that he had lost control of the room. His boss Luca stepped in and sternly told the crowd, "The purpose of this meeting is not to attack the messenger. We are presenting the information as it has been presented to us." He went on to explain that he understood their frustration and used an example, describing how he had gone through a similar situation at another organization. He told them that he would be more than happy to address their individual concerns at a later time, but not at this particular meeting, which concerned a different matter entirely. The room suddenly fell silent and you could hear a pin drop.

His statement to those assembled acknowledged the importance of their concerns, he agreed to address them, and reminded them that logically speaking, this particular meeting was not the proper venue in which to address those unrelated matters. His statement was perfectly reasonable, and meeting attendees, having promptly received assurances that their concerns _would_ be addressed, agreed. The meeting promptly returned to order. An insurrection was avoided and work continued.

It was at that moment that I learned the importance of maintaining control of the room as a presenter, as well as how to retain confidence while being confronted by a large hostile audience. I realized that I was in the company of the right kind of mentor. I was learning something I hadn't yet had the opportunity to personally witness.

Luca exuded confidence. He was neither large in size, not the strongest guy in the room nor was he the wealthiest. But he was tactful knowledgeable, thoughtful and confident. He was sure of who he was and what he was doing. He was able to convey that sense of confidence to his audience and earn their trust. They knew he would follow through and make sure that their concerns were properly addressed. But not here, and not right now. They were OK with that.

When you confidently present a logical solution to an immediate problem and meeting participants see that you are willing to sit down with them in a separate meeting, one specifically devoted to their concerns, there's nothing left to argue about. They can either accept your word and agree to the proposed solution, or they can reject it. The overwhelming majority of the time they will accept your reasonable proposal.

Over the years Luca and I would have debates or heated discussions in which one of us would inevitably lose or occasionally we might consider it a draw, but I learned to stand my ground and deliver a reasonable argument. Taking a page from his book I had to learn to look deeper into who I was and be reasonably sure of my position on the topic at hand. Once I did there was no topic that the two of us couldn't discuss and neither of us were ever left feeling defeated.

Steel sharpens steel and during that memorable point in time in my life Luca taught me a very valuable lesson in self confidence. He remains to this day one of my closest friends and business advisors. Surround yourself with confident people like this. Learn from them, appreciate the energy they generate because their strength will also help you to learn and grow and further develop your own confidence. The more you absorb the lessons you are privy to, the more valuable the lessons you will be able to pass along so that others can learn from you and they can grow.

Now that you have the tools to build up your confidence and once you have created a Power Circle, you will need to remain sharp. This is not about being overly aggressive or arrogant. This is about walking in your own skin and using your own voice.

One of the most effective ways to do this is to "stay in the zone." If you can, have daily interactions with those whom you consider to be part of your Power Circle. If your Power Circle is not readily available, then you can look at your Power Board. If the Power Board is not accessible, then study others who are in your presence.

As I was walking to work this morning, taking my normal route down the street. I passed a man who was loaded down with cans and bottles, which I assumed he was planning to cash in for a refund. The sidewalk was too narrow at that location for us to pass side by side with his collection, so I stepped aside and walked in the street alongside the curb for a bit. After the two of us passed I was just about to step back onto the sidewalk when I noticed that the cement sidewalk had been slightly lifted. It remained intact, cracked of course, but otherwise unbroken. But the whole thing had definitely been moved, and so had the flower bed surrounding the large shade tree I found myself standing under. I stopped for a moment to consider why such a large piece of ground would be lopsided in that spot.

The roots of the tree had grown so deep and so strong that they had literally lifted tons of dirt and cement in order for those roots to get to where they wanted to go. I thought to myself how powerful those roots had to have been to exhibit that amount of strength. It reminded me of what confidence looks like and how it behaves. The tree wasn't being loud and boastful about how big and strong it was. It wasn't complaining about the ground being too small. It simply decided where it wanted to go, quietly removed the obstacles without making a big deal about it, and calmly went there.

For some reason that is how I would envision the physical manifestation of confidence. It isn't loud and boastful, however it recognizes its own strength and makes it mark. I could go on about other things in nature that can correspond or relate to confidence in the physical form. Your confidence will speak volumes the same way, without saying a word.

Another way to practice improving your confidence is through physical activity, such as running or weight lifting. It's good for your head and it's good for your body. You embark on physical activity the same way you want to improve your confidence, a step at a time. You can add a few simple exercise routines to your daily activities. Keep a log of how long you engage in your activity of choice, what you feel before, during, and after each activity.

When I run I tend to focus on two things; distance and speed. If I am running a long distance then my stride is most important. But if I am focused on speed then it is a very rapid pace for a short distance. In both examples I have to push myself mentally. You have to be your own biggest competitor. When you begin to log your daily activities you set the bar for yourself. You will be surprised how far you can push yourself based on your own determination. The repetition will keep you sharp. This will help keep your confidence level up. Start slow, and gradually work your way up to where you want to be.

I've mentioned previously that one of the most confident people that I have ever met in my life is my grandmother. She has seen more than her share of life's ups and downs but she never gives up. She's had heart surgery, experienced strokes that have left half her body paralyzed, she's had vision problems, she lost her husband, and my favorite trait of all, she exhibits a low tolerance for bull crap. At the time that I wrote this book she was eighty three years old and her mind was just as sharp as when she was forty. She will speak up for herself, knows exactly what she wants, knows how to articulate it and has an abundance of energy, despite her immobility.

When I asked her one day how she became so confident, she spoke on the faith that she has in God. Her undying faith allows her to fear nothing and embrace any challenge that may come her way. Whenever I think I'm having a bad day, I speak to my grandmother whose clarity of vision cuts right through the fog and she tells me "stop worrying, everything is under control and in order." She is one of the most powerfully confident people in our family. I get a large portion of my own confidence from my grandmother and from my mom, who is pretty much the same way.

I also try to surround myself in my professional life with people who are themselves very confident. The amazing part about the business world is the confidence that appears on various levels of corporate or academic professionalism and the drive that is behind it. For example, some people feel that a title gives them power, others feel that the amount of money they earn from their profession gives them power. Someone else gains their confidence based on their level of education or their expertise in a particular field.

Each of these people manifest their personal self-confidence in different ways.

Based on a combination of all the above attributes I created my own Power Circle. I have found it to be a never-ending source of energy that flows to and from individual to individual. It's clear that positive energy helps to continually recharge and reinforce the confidence level of those with whom they share a Power Circle, either in person or remotely.

What does your own Power Circle look like? As you go through life, the members of that Circle may change. If you don't yet have a Power Circle, start it today.

Then check back and take stock of how you feel a week from now. Remember, steel sharpens steel.

# CHAPTER THIRTEEN

## Maintain Your Confidence

Maintaining your confidence is a daily task that will require daily attention just as much as brushing your teeth. Anyone who wants to walk and talk in confidence can do so no matter what background, age, sex or culture they come from. Confidence is a state of mind. It begins with a thought of standing tall and allowing your words and appearance to command respect. Most people are attracted to confident individuals. To reiterate, you will want to make sure that your confidence is not confused with arrogance. Your confidence should accentuate your emotional intelligence. It does not give you the right to look down on anyone. Your confidence should be used to teach, empower and help people. Never be selfish or demean others.

I look in the mirror daily and say "Today is going to be a peaceful, powerful and productive day. Today I will do my personal best." It becomes a lifestyle. The way you dress, the way you communicate, the foods you eat, the way you exercise and the way you automatically treat others with respect. You basically ask the universe to reciprocate all that you release into existence. You block all self-doubt and negative energy from your mind.

As a husband, and a father of four, I know the importance of being a role model. I understand how powerful my words and actions can be, because they impact my wife and children. My role in our family is to help provide our children with the tools they will need to become successful in life. To provide the underpinnings that will help them develop confidence in themselves. I also do my best to teach them how to clearly articulate their thoughts so that they may communicate intelligently with others.

When we eventually become parents, our job is to provide our children with the tools they will need to navigate their way through life successfully. Developing confidence is a big part of that.

Confidence is knowing what you don't know and not being afraid to seek the answers. Confidence is having the willingness to accept constructive criticism and learn from it. That's not an easy thing to do. We don't like the idea of discovering that we were wrong about something. It makes us feel defensive and we're all guilty of being defensive now and again.

Being confident does not make you immune to hurtful words or situations. It makes you better equipped to be able to handle them.

Your Power Circle and daily habits will allow you to attract the energy that is necessary to remain confident. It is the ego that needs to remain under control. An inflated ego might tell you to go after certain things you're not yet prepared to tackle. If you're simply looking for a feel-good high you sometimes allow your ego to overcome your common sense. Over-confidence has the potential to make us stumble and fall, sometimes metaphorically speaking, and sometimes physically.

Well balanced confidence will allow you to make rational decisions. That is because you will have acquired a deeper understanding of self. The more time that you allot to self-reflection, working to visualize the person you want to become, the better prepared you will be to actually accomplish your goal.

To build and maintain your confidence is an important part of your life, and doing that starts with you. You will learn to believe and trust yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you do not trust yourself, then no one else will.

You have to live by a certain code of truth in order to walk in confidence. There is a significant responsibility which accompanies instilling someone else's trust in you. You must actually be able to follow through. Once you have proven that you are worthy of being trusted, that you know what you're talking about, others will be confident that they can trust you, and the confidence you possess will be as tangible as if you were being outwardly radiated. Others will feel safe in trusting you. Never bluff, and the trust of others will help to keep your own confidence strong.

You may ask yourself how to maintain the highest level of confidence at all times. The answer is that It depends on how well you can remain true to yourself and trust yourself. Ask if you believe yourself when you look in the mirror and say

"Today is going to be a great day," or when you say, "There is no challenge too great for me to handle or conquer." Do you believe every step you make is in divine order of who you are at the core? Do you feel empowered when you are making decisions?

Are the people within your Circle helping when it comes reaffirming your goal to live a life full of confidence? Or are they the type of people who would just as soon disparage you, claiming you're trying to act better than others? Is it possible that they resent you for working to better yourself, choosing to set a good example, and walking in pride with your head held high?

If those around you are not in support of your choosing to have a better lifestyle and they don't want to achieve the same for themselves, then you may find it wiser to remove them from your Circle. The reason that you should consider removing them from your Circle is because they will make you experience doubt.

Once you have doubt you will lose confidence in yourself. You can become insecure and your insecurity will lead to a lower self esteem. The lower your self esteem the less others will respect you or your position of authority. Once this rippling effect occurs it can spiral down into depression or illness. Your confidence will need to be maintained by changing your lifestyle.

Building up your confidence may have begun as a prelude before applying for a new job or a requesting a promotion, or maybe before learning how to speak in front of large groups or possibly narrating a Podcast. But from there it's clear that your confidence will need to be maintained. The maintenance is contingent upon you and what you choose to use to nourish your mind. If you wish to walk everyday in greatness you must be able to believe in your goal. You are not to let the words of others persuade or discourage you to think otherwise. Your energy and the way you comfort yourself, your stance is yours and it is unlike that of any other. You are unique.

Yes, you may have started by studying others and copying their style but over time you will have evolved into the new you, the confident person you were always meant to be. The level of trust you are able to generate in others by always being straight with them assures them that you are trustworthy. They may even be willing to confide in you should they experience concerns in their own lives.

Always speak the truth and surround yourself with like minded people You are here to succeed, motivate, and win. The trust you inspire will serve as a conduit to allow others to make changes in their own lives. Some people abuse the confidence and power they achieve for their own personal gain. Not you. Your goal is to uplift and motivate others who come into your sphere of influence.

Congratulations. You've made a wise decision, and I hope to have been of help.

Tom Danger  
Building Up Your Confidence
