(intense music)
(cheerful music)
(phone rings)
- Thanks for calling (beeping).
This is Shel, how
can I help you?
- Hello, my name is
Landalious Truefeld.
Who may I ask am I
speaking with today?
- This is Shel.
- Hi Shel.
I don't know if
you heard about me.
I am a retired semi-pro
football player,
award-winning, world-renowned.
I'm calling y'all
today because what I do
is I sponsor and set up senior
citizen football leagues,
and I tell you that
the old folks love it.
They get uniforms--
- Okay, okay hold it.
Before you go--
- [Landalious] Yes ma'am?
- Any further.
Activity lady is not here.
She will be here on Monday.
Actually, everybody is gone--
- [Landalious] Say what?
- For the weekend.
Yes, sir.
They won't be back
in, well some of them
will be back Monday.
I won't.
(laughing) I'm off.
- Where you going?
- I plan to go to the house.
- [Landalious] Say what now?
- Yeah.
- Well let me ask you something.
You like football?
- Yes sir.
I'm a Pittsburgh
Steelers fan, Vance love.
- [Landalious] I'm 'bout
to hang up on you girl!
You did not say Steeler!
You did not say Steeler!
- [Shel] Yes I did!
- What?
- Yes sir.
- [David] Let me
ask you something.
Let me ask you something.
- I was in love
with the Steelers
when Terry Bradshaw,
Lance Moore was in ice--
- Okay, I can't
stand Terry Bradshaw.
He pushed my buttons!
- I need to go, then.
I don't need to
talk to you no more.
- [Landalious] Just stop it,
stop it!
- Goodbye.
(both laughing)
- I tell you what
my favorite team is.
- You say the Cowboys and
I'm gonna hang up on you.
- Did I say that yet?
Can you give me a chance, girl?
(laughing)
- [Shel] Ooh, I don't
like the Cowboys, boy.
- Anyway, I like the
Inkster Ink Spots.
They are not currently a team,
but you know, back in the
late 50's, early 60's,
all black, let me
tell you something,
they knocked heads, knocked
people straight on out.
The hardest hitting football
team I ever, ever seen
in my life.
You ever hear about them?
- Listen, I'm trying
to get out of here.
I love you, sir.
I do.
- [Landalious] Yes, ma'am.
- But she will be here Monday.
Her name is Red.
- Red, okay.
- [Shel] Yeah.
- All right.
But now, and she's the one
in charge of booking people?
Because I like to come in--
- How much you cost?
What's the price on it.
- [David] I don't cost nothing.
- Oh, you free?
- All y'all pay for is the
cleats and the uniforms
which I design.
- A majority of them,
half of them can barely walk.
- Yeah, but look
here, that's okay,
because I'ma tell you right now.
These old folks, you
put the right colors,
the little spangles,
and the cleats on them,
they have a ball.
And the best part of
it, the football pants,
easy access, you understand?
If they gotta do they business,
you just pull the flap
down in the back, fly out!
And they right back
out there on the field.
- All right.
- [Landalious] Okay?
- Okay.
- [Landalious] So I'ma
talk to Reddy-Red,
and while I go--
- Yeah, call her Monday.
- Monday.
Well, does she like music?
- She loves music.
- [Landalious] Because
I like it too, girl.
You know I sang, too.
If the football don't
come out, I sing.
- What you sing?
- I do!
I will call Red up, I'll be like
♪ Hey Red ♪
♪ You fire hot ♪
♪ Hey Red ♪
♪ I know you ain't there ♪
♪ Hey Red, I'm comin' on over ♪
♪ To put these cleats on you ♪
♪ Oh ♪
You know, something like that?
(laughing mirthfully)
- Man, have a good weekend.
I'll talk to you later.
Bye.
- Okee-dokee, fine girl.
- Bye-bye.
(mystical music)
(upbeat music)
(phone ringing)
- Thank you for calling
(beeping), this is Cori,
how may I help you?
- I'm interested
in working there
and I'm curious, you know,
obviously I'm (giggles)
told I'm very attractive,
and is this the kind of
thing where if I have
a million followers,
you could sort of just,
by talking to you tell you
how hot people say I am,
or how does it work?
- So you apply online.
- It's good to know
because once I get my hair,
if I do my hair,
and I have my makeup
and the whole shebang,
it tends to be for people
sort of alluring, and
sort of like a siren song.
I'm just very, very hot.
- So yeah, we already have
type of girls like that.
- Anyone with like
a million followers?
- Yeah, I don't think
it really matters.
I think you just have to
fill out the paperwork.
- You know, it's the kind of
thing, it would be a shame
if we didn't get
to work together
due to like what I'm
called is like stunning
and for me, like it's
just sort of a given
that there's different
tiers of women
and I'm kind of, I guess,
like people say top shelf.
- Yeah, but you
have to apply first.
- But you can't take my word,
I'm telling you, like,
people seriously,
I've had like today,
a guy tripped.
He got up, he was like,
"You're beautiful,
"oh my god."
Like, he was like, "Holy shit,
"you're freakin' beautiful!"
And I'm like, "All
right, like I know,
"thank you, thank
you, thank you."
Like, I always say
thank you to be nice,
but I'm just kind of
looking for instant results
because, do you
know what I mean?
- Yeah, I understand that.
I mean, you could talk to
my manager if you want.
- I mean, if you
could put in a word
and say you just talked to
one of the hottest people
you've ever heard, you know?
- Okay, yeah I'll let him know.
- I think I'm a 10, and
I've been told I'm a 10.
Like my comments half the
time are literally 10.
Someone even the other
day I thought was so funny
they were like 1000 out of 10.
(laughing)
I said that's too crazy!
Like don't make me big-headed.
You know?
- [Cori] Yeah.
- And it's a gift,
and it's a privilege.
I honestly, my old
minster used to tell me
like on one on ones,
like this is something
God gave you.
- Yeah.
- And some people can sing,
and some people can do taxes
and I can't, but I'm so, so hot.
- Yeah, I'll definitely
let him know.
- But I used to ride
horses and I had to stop
because the horses were
trying to get with me.
- Yeah.
Well if you are
interested, just come in,
they'll interview you,
and then if they think
you're good enough, then
they'll hire you on the spot.
- No paperwork.
I love that.
Thank you so much, girl,
because that's the thing.
I wanna be hired on the spot.
That's the kind of bitch I am.
Like, I'm not trying to
do paperwork, you know?
It's like come on,
what am I, a dork?
- All right, so just come in
if you're interested, then.
- I'll see you in two minutes.
- Okay.
- Bye-bye.
(clanking)
(chill hiphop music)
(phone ringing)
- Thank you for
calling (beeping).
This is Cori.
How may I help you?
- Cori, oh my gosh
thank you so much.
I've been trying to reach you,
because I was just on my
way to come in for the job
that you offered me, and
there was scaffolding
outside my apartment,
and I walked out to take
my little Pomeranian
out, and this crowbar
fell on my face.
- Just now?
- Yeah, so like now
I'm like shaking
because I'm ugly.
- I don't think that they would
like take that against you.
- Okay, well I just lost
like 10 Instagram followers
because I posted
like a live Insta
about what was going on,
and so I'm just scared
your manager's gonna be like,
okay neck down, yeah, yeah.
But like, face is
busted, and I don't know,
like I'm bleeding.
And I feel like one of
my teeth is in half.
- Yeah, maybe you should
go to the hospital first.
- Like, I'm still hot and
like obviously my boobs
are fine, and my
stomach's still flat,
and my ass is still like,
you could bounce a quarter
off it, but my face
is like a monster.
- Okay.
- Hot is a state of mind.
Once you've been hot this long,
it ain't going nowhere, bitch.
- Yeah, bye.
- Thanks for the job!
Hey Insta fam,
like I said, I've been hit
by some sort of crowbar
scaffolding or both, like
a combo, I don't even know.
At this point, I'm hurting and
you can see this contusion,
I'm freaking out because
I thought you guys
were my family,
and I know I'm hot,
and you know I'm hot,
so it's not fair.
(mystical music)
(funky music)
(phone ringing)
- (beeping) Vape Shop.
- Listen, I came down
there a little bit ago,
and I think you guys
sold me the wrong thing,
because I ain't the same
from when I came in,
you know what I'm saying?
I came down there to
buy a vape pen, correct?
Are you with me so far?
- Yes.
- And I came home and I
smoked the damn vape pen,
and ever since then, I've
been doing stuff that's weird.
- [Store Clerk] Oh.
- My voice is different.
All of a sudden I
sound like a asshole.
- I've never heard of that.
- Do you know what
it's like to wake up
and realize that you've changed?
- Uh, I mean--
- [Dr. Penis] To realize
that the day before
you were a family man
with a beautiful wife
and three children,
and then the next day
you a asshole named Dr. Penis
who seems to have cut all
the sleeves off of his shirt
and tied them into a loop
(smacking)
for no reason?
- (sighing) I don't know, man.
- I can't stop
listening to dubstep.
All of a sudden I'm flossing,
I got a tiny backpack!
I got pink dreadlocks, green
dreadlocks, purple dreadlocks.
I make no sense.
I missed the birth of my son!
- Oh.
- Because I was at home watching
"Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles: The Movie."
You got a rock climbing
place next door?
- Yes.
- I somehow ended up on
the roof of that thing.
I should not be able
to do that thing.
I'm not a spiderman.
- But yeah, like
what is this about?
- I came to your store
and I bought a vape pen!
I smoked the shit out of it!
- [Store Clerk] Okay.
- When I got home, I
started doing crazy things!
Before I came into your place,
my name was Daniel Sharon.
After I left your place,
everyone started calling me
Dr. Penis, I sound weird,
and now all of a sudden
I got a geese in my house!
(goose honks)
- [Store Clerk] Mm.
- I joined the
band Bell Biv Devoe
and then quit instantly.
That don't make no sense.
Can you explain to me that.
- Nope.
- Can you explain to
me why I got a tattoo
of Bib Fortuna, the translator
from Jabba the Hut scene
in "Return of the
Jedi", why I got
the full back tattoo of that?
Why would I do such a thing?
Because I came in there
and I smoked your vape pen,
and it made me crazy.
- [Store Clerk] Mm.
- It made me a weirdy.
- Yeah, I think you might have
been crazy before that, dude.
- I think you might
have been crazy
before you just said
that, because if you were,
you would not have.
- Uh.
- I had a nine to
five job before I came
into your place
with that vape pen.
All of a sudden I'm 700 pounds.
I'm three inches shorter.
And my hands are where
my feet used to be.
I tried to use a
fork the other day
and I almost took my eye out
because I was using my feet.
I didn't remember using my hands
and it scared me.
- I don't know, bro.
- I'm scared.
Don't act so nonchalant!
Act chalant!
- Just like, chill out I guess?
- Oh just, okay.
Okay, hold on.
Let me just do that.
Uh, okay.
Now I'm better.
Guess what?
It didn't work!
- You didn't successfully,
like, try to chill out man.
You gotta like sit.
- You know what though?
I'm not even gonna call
you out on that one.
You are right.
I was being sarcastic, so
I'm trying to calm down.
- Okay, breathe in.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Then breathe out.
- Okay.
- Then breathe in again.
- Oh man.
I think I might be
normalizing now.
Yeah, I'm feeling a lot better.
(chuckles)
I'm thinking about
my taxes and stuff.
Oh man, I have to
call my assistant.
I have to be in court
in a half an hour.
I'm a judge.
Oh boy.
How am I gonna get there,
I have to, hey do
you know a number
of a tattoo removal place?
I have three Dr. Penis
tattoos I need to get removed
in the next half an hour.
- Oh god.
Okay, uh--
- Oh, hold on one sec.
My wife is calling me.
Yeah?
No, I'm better now honey.
Yeah.
No, you can call me Dan again.
No.
(laughing) I know!
No, not Dr. Penis anymore.
Sorry.
I love you.
(laughing)
- Okay, so--
(laughing)
This feels extremely one-sided.
(laughing maniacally)
Uh--
(laughing)
All right, I'm gonna hang up.
- Okay.
(funky music)
(cheerful music)
(phone ringing)
- Good afternoon, (beeping).
- [Elmer] Hello?
- Hello?
- Hello, darling.
- Who are you?
- Hello?
My name is Elmer,
and I'm calling
about your products.
- So what would you like
to know about our products?
- I'm calling to
thank you people.
- Okay, for?
- For giving me the freedom
to live my life again
as a man.
I bought some of those
diapers from you people
like a baby wears.
- And you have
your freedom again?
- I can go anywhere I need to!
I used to have to go in a can
under my chair.
And now I can go
anywhere I need to.
- Well, I'm glad we
were able to help you.
- You did help me, darling!
You saved my life!
Thank you for that.
- Okay, I'll pass that.
- Because this is
a beautiful product
that you people make over there.
I sleep in them.
And I change them once a week.
- Mm-hmm.
- What a wonderful gift.
What a wonderful gift.
Because I can make
a BM wherever I go.
- Well, thank you for calling.
I'll let our owners know that.
- What's your owner's name.
- John.
- Your owner's named
after a bathroom, huh?
- (laughing) That's funny.
(laughing)
- In my day, we used to say
you'll have to go to the john,
and then these fellas
were named John,
and I always thought toilet
whenever I hear the name John,
I think toilet.
And now whenever I have
to go to the toilet
I make a big brown beautiful
doodie in my pants.
I could do it when I'm
eating, when I'm walking.
I'm thinking about going
to the movies and doing it.
- Well, good for you.
- I'm so happy because
I'm making beautiful
bowel movements.
I wanna show you what I made.
- But I'm gonna have to go.
I've gotta take care
of another customer.
Thank you for calling.
- Wait a minute, hold
on a second here.
I'm making one right now.
Hold on.
Can you hear it?
(drum rolling)
(grunting)
♪ So join Crank
Yankers tonight ♪
- [Child] Crank Yankers!
(cheerful music)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
- I was just calling
to make a complaint
in my neighborhood.
- Okay, who is this?
- My name is Shasta.
- Uh-huh.
- There is a white
guy walking around
in my neighborhood.
- [Woman] Uh-huh.
- He's wearing Crocs.
- Okay, well.
- He's whistling
Aerosmith songs.
- Okay, now who
told you to call me?
(chuckles)
- You're on the list for
the neighborhood watch.
- Yeah, but right now
I'm out of commission.
- He's drinking Jamba Juice.
- [Woman] Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Have there been
any other reports
of white people in
this neighborhood?
- No, I mean we got white
people in the neighborhood.
I mean, we can't
discriminate against them
because, I don't know exactly,
man he's just walking
in the neighborhood
but we can't discriminate--
- It is just very
frustrating to me.
It's surprising, he's eating
a mayonnaise sandwich.
- [Woman] Mm.
- Ma'am, I need you
to come get him.
- I can't!
I'm a citizen,
just like you are.
- Me and you should
run up on his ass.
- No, ma'am.
I'm not about to
run up on nobody.
- The next thing you know,
he's just gonna be listening
to Dave Matthews Band, or
some damn Steve Miller Band,
like what music you listen to?
- If you need to
call the police,
then call the police.
- We need to fight for it.
The next thing you know,
the bodega gonna be selling
little Totino's pizza
rolls and bagels.
- All we can do is
just, like I say,
we try to work
together with them
but we can't work
together if nobody's gonna
be pulling through with us.
- I understand.
I just don't like
what he wearing.
- Ma'am, I can't help you if
you gonna keep complaining
on the phone and we
can't get someone at you.
- Oh my god.
Now he's yelling, "Does
anybody have kombucha?"
What the hell is kombucha?
Before you know it, all
our nice concrete ground
gonna be grass, and he
gonna be out here just,
puh, puh, puh, just
killing golf balls.
- I'm sorry.
I can't help you.
- Have you ever been
with a white guy?
- What that got to
do with it, ma'am?
What's that got to do with it?
- Because I need to
know whose side you on
in this matter.
- I can't help you, I'm sorry.
So I'm sorry.
But you need to either
call the police.
If I can't call them for you
or get someone over there--
- It's like
Connecticut up in here.
Cut off your ponytail!
- Who told you to call me?
- Oh my god, he's, oh lord,
he's opening a yoga studio.
(mystical music)
(cat meows)
(funky music)
(phone ringing)
- Hello this is
Susan with (beeping),
how may I help you?
- Hi, my name is
Hadassah Guberman
and I would love to
apply for the job.
- Which job?
- The job is labeling envelopes,
12 cents an envelope, it says.
- [Susan] Yes.
- Let's see, ba-ba-ba-ba.
One thing that's kind
of a stickler for me
is I just like, it irks me,
like I don't like to
be told what to do.
- Mm-hmm.
- So I just don't want
to be bossed around,
because I'm strong
and independent.
- Mm-hmm.
- The bathrooms need
to be gender neutral,
I mean I identify as female,
but my penis is a them.
- I don't know how
that would work.
Yeah, when you walk
out of the bathroom
there is one male
and female bathroom,
but there's not like
a family restroom
I don't think in the building.
- Well, that would
probably have to change.
Is it okay that I have herpes?
I'm riddled with herpes.
But it's self-contained,
and it's only vaginal.
- I mean, yeah.
I mean, I guess.
I probably wouldn't
share that information.
It's more personal
information, but--
- Right.
I guess I just wanted
to tell you, Susan,
because if it was a problem.
- I mean, I don't care.
- Hey, when I'm
doing the envelopes,
you know how some people if
they're listening to music
they get more done, or whatever.
I like to watch, do
you know Porn Hub?
- Yeah, this call's
a little, like,
I'm thinking you might
not just be the right fit.
- Everyone in the office
could sign a contract
that says they won't
listen to me go ploppers
in the bathroom because--
- This is not cool.
Just letting you know.
- You know what?
No, you're so right.
And I just wanna
apologize for everything
and for wasting your time.
I'd love to sing you a song
to show how sorry I am.
(clears throat)
- Um--
♪ Susan, I'm so sorry
I wasted your time ♪
♪ Nobody's time should
be wasted but mine ♪
♪ I'm sorry I said
ploppers to you ♪
♪ You didn't deserve
it, and nobody do ♪
♪ Do ♪
♪ I'm sorry Susan ♪
♪ Bye ♪
Oh my god, that was an
awesome song by the way.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- Yeah, that's fine.
I'll have (beeping)
reach out to you,
and if he seems like
it would be a good fit
then we'll bring you on.
- I'd love to work side
by side with you, Susan.
- Honestly at this point,
I think it would be
a good time.
- It would be Beshart.
- I don't know what that means,
but I will look that up.
- [Hassadah] Okay,
take care my love.
(funky music)
(upbeat music)
(phone ringing)
- Hello, can I help you?
- Hi.
Yeah, I'm calling.
I rented a car from
you guys yesterday,
but I am actually
calling because
the man who assisted me
I felt like there was
some vibes, and I
just wanted to call
and see maybe if I could
you know, connect?
Do you remember
helping me yesterday?
- No, I don't unfortunately.
- If it's you,
I'm gonna go nuts.
I don't know if it was you.
- Yeah, I wasn't even
working yesterday.
- Hmm.
I mean, I kinda, now
that we're talking,
I kinda wish you were
working yesterday.
- Do you remember
what they looked like?
- He was really handsome,
kind of a dimple on one side,
okay, and I don't remember
seeing a wedding ring!
- Okay.
Well, if you wanna give
me your phone number.
- Wait, would I be giving
you my phone number
like for them?
- [Carlos] Yes.
- Or for you?
- For them.
- We can talk in
code if we have to.
Are there other people around,
you can't really
tell me their story?
- Possibly, yes.
- Say escalator if
there's someone listening
and you can't say exactly
what you want to say.
- I got a couple
other people here,
if you want to leave
me your phone number
I can more than happily
give it to the person
that may be able to
help you tomorrow.
- So you want my number?
- Sure, yes.
- You do?
- Yes.
- Escalator?
You want it?
- Okay, yes.
- All right.
Get that pen ready, baby!
- Yay!
- Okay, ready?
It's 480
665
(beeping)
Wait, someone's
listening to me now.
Escalator.
Yeah, no, I'm gonna
be right back.
Uh-huh.
My boss, he has
such a crush on me.
Do you have that?
- Yeah.
All the time.
- All the time, right?
That's like, that's not cool.
- All right, I got a couple
other customers here.
- Okay, me too.
Okay.
- I'll transfer your
number tomorrow, okay?
What was your first name again?
- My name is Cheryl Brandish.
- Okay, Cheryl.
- And I'm also available-ish.
(chuckling)
And I work at the
mattress (beeping).
- Okay.
- [Cheryl] You know the one.
There's like a--
- Yeah, I know where it is.
- Across the highway.
It has an inflatable
gorilla on the roof.
You kinda can't miss it.
It's the flagship.
- Got it.
- What's your name again?
- Carlos.
- Carlos, keep killin' it.
Escalator!
- All right.
- Escalators!
- [Carlos] All right.
- Say it, Carlos.
- Escalator.
- I love you too.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
(upbeat music)
- Love!
- I'll catch you later.
Bye.
- [Niles] Love you.
(romantic music)
(phone ringing)
- This is Jenny,
how can I help you?
- Hey look, Jenny.
My name is Spoony
Love from up above.
I'm just wanting to call and
inquire about your facilities.
I mean, your staff, do
you have like cool people
on your staff?
- Yes, we have cool
people that work here.
- Like people that
can keep secrets,
and stuff like that?
- Um, I'm not really sure--
- Well, do you have
any do disturb signs?
- We do not have signs
that say do disturb.
- So how am I supposed
to let the maids know
to come in?
- You would remove your
do not disturb sign
and then you could let us know,
and we can schedule a
time if that's easier.
- This is a baby boom
weekend, and that's the thing.
We role play all the time.
You know what I mean?
- Uh, got it.
- Yeah, you know what
I'm trying to do?
You know, I'm Spoony Love.
I'm trying to keep it
hiding together, you know?
We role play, we role play.
You know, last week--
- Yeah, that's weird.
Okay, so what--
- She said, "Mister,
do you wanna buy
"some butter crunch cookies?"
And I say, "Yeah, come on in.
"I'ma buy a couple
of boxes from you."
And then we have
sex like animals.
Then we gotta eat the cookies.
- Okay.
You, I can't keep talking to you
because that's too racy for me.
- No, I'm not trying to be racy.
We just want to come
and use your hotel.
- Okay.
Well let me see--
- We just wanna
make some babies.
- All right, let
me see what we got.
What is your email?
- Okay.
Spoony Love AKA Kaligula
@flacidmandingo.com.
Gmail, Gmail.
- That is not a real email.
- No, no.
Gmail.com.
Sorry.
- There isn't.
- You guys are gonna
have a good time.
Petey the pit bull
won't hurt nobody.
I'll have him on a leash.
Just sit there.
- All right, so we just
have a couple of rooms--
- If you guys want
to get involved
you're more than welcome.
- All right, that's too racy.
- No, I'm a black man.
I'm dark.
I'm a black, dark man.
- Okay, listen.
I think that you're
really funny, but--
- I'm not being funny!
- But ultimately,
I can't keep having
this conversation with you.
- What kind of toes you got?
Your toes look like Skittles?
- Okay, well I'm
gonna let you go.
- Would you have my baby?
- Oh my god.
All right, I'm gonna
send you an email
with all of your options,
but I really gotta go
because there's a
line of people here
that want to talk to me.
- So what we gonna
name the baby?
What you wanna name the baby?
- (sighs) Tracy.
- Wow.
- Bye.
(laughing)
- We've been had, fellas.
We've been made.
(upbeat music)
(phone ringing)
- Thanks for calling
(beeping), this is Emily.
How can I help you?
- Hi Emily.
My name is Brad, and I am doing
a little birthday shopping
for my father.
If you don't mind, I'm patching
in my twin brother Mork.
- Hi.
- [Emily] Okay.
- Hi, it's Mork.
And we're just looking for
a little gift for daddy.
- Mm-hmm.
- I have some ideas, my
brother has some ideas,
and we wanted to pitch
you some of these
and see if we can
get your opinion
so that we can get a
wonderful gift for daddy.
- The problem is last year
we did go the Dutch bakery
and he hated it.
It wasn't this Dutch
bakery in particular.
- Okay.
- But maybe Mork can
speak to the particulars.
- Yeah, we worked very hard
on that Dutch cake for daddy.
- Oh for sure, yeah.
- And he threw it, and I don't
think he was aiming for Mork,
but I did get a lot of that
mocha right in my eyes.
- Oh no.
- You know, daddy
loves meat pies,
and I'm wondering if
you could do some kind
of meat themed
concoction without mocha.
- Yeah, I think what
Mork's circling around
is almost like a wedding cake,
but inside is nothing but meat,
like maybe ground
beef, ground lamb.
- He loves venison.
- Okay, well we don't have--
- But from the outskirts,
from the outskirts, you're
just coming in the door,
you go oh sweet cake, great.
Then you cut in, and
hot meat trickles down
and the fat from the meat
percolates through the tips.
- I wonder if we can
get a meat cake so big
that Mork could get inside,
and I could be in there
for a couple hours.
Maybe we can use a
straw for breathing,
and right before daddy comes in
you pull out the
breathing straw.
And I leap out of the meat cake,
and it's molten hot
with jalapeno spice.
- What's the price on that?
- Well, we don't really
have any meat cake,
and I don't think we can
make our cakes big enough
to have a person
pop out of it, so.
- Well, we haven't told
you how big Mork is.
(chuckling)
Yeah, it's not something
we laugh about.
Mork is under two feet tall.
(laughing)
- I don't appreciate
being laughed at.
I'm calling to get
my daddy a cake,
and it's not that bad
that I'm that small,
but I also have one glass eye.
- Do you know just
what kind of design,
or what flavors you
would be looking for?
- We love Shrek.
- Shrek?
- We could Shrek the
shit out of that cake.
Could we put a shit-load
of Shrek all over it,
green bullshit on there,
maybe a big Shrek winking
with Donkey next to him.
- And you can just give
us some extra icing
and Mork could get all
iced up like a Donkey.
And right when daddy
walks in the room,
Mork will raise up on
his two hind hooves
and say, "Daddy, are you
finally proud of me?"
And I could pop my
eye, (grunting).
- Sorry about that,
Mork's eye fell out
and we're running after it.
- I got it.
- He coming.
- Hold on, I'm sorry.
Can you help me?
(slurping)
Okay, it's in.
- Well, we don't have
the rights to doing
any specific characters,
so we would have to--
- Oh man.
- Yeah, we would have to--
- We gotta get daddy a cake.
- It's his 40th, and
we just want it to be
a special day for him, you know.
He only has so many
more years left.
- I'm sorry, gentlemen.
I don't really
have a lot of time
to design a cake like this.
I do recommend setting
up a consultation
with our cake coordinator,
and she'd be happy to
throw those ideas around.
- We'll put Mork in a paper
bag and get over to you
as soon as we can.
- Okay.
(ominous music)
(thunder crashing)
(phone ringing)
- Good evening, thank
you for calling (beeping)
this is Tanya, how
can I be of service?
- I was looking online,
and I saw that your hotel
might be haunted.
Is that true?
- So we say we're
haunted supposedly
because of our third
and fourth floor.
During the civil war,
they were hospitals.
- Oh, shit.
So it's men up in there!
- Yeah.
(laughing) That's what they say.
(laughing)
- Girl, book me a
room on the floor
where the most of them died.
(laughing)
- [Tanya] All right.
- What's some of the
stories that you've heard
from your hotel?
- So, they said there's
a soldier missing an arm
walking around on
the fourth floor.
They said that there's a
ghost cat on the second floor
that's running around.
- I just left New Orleans.
- Okay.
- Girl, the ghost
dick there whack.
- Yeah, so because in New
Orleans you would have had
Confederate troops, so
here at least you got
the Union ones.
- Ima tell you
right now, though.
Ain't nothing like
some ghost dick.
Like first off, you can't
get no STD's from it.
- Oh wow.
- But they are hard to ride.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
But once you go dead,
you never leave the bed.
- Is that what your
experience was in New Orleans?
- I probably should
let myself be musty
because that'd probably
attract them more.
- If it works for
you, you let me know.
(laughing)
- Then I might have to go ahead
and (beeps) some ghost dick.
Ah, shit right?
What if I get pregnant
by a ghost, girl?
(laughing)
Me and my little ghost baby.
I'm ovulating that week.
That's all I'm saying.
(laughing)
You know a few weeks
ago, I was in LA
and I hooked up with Tupac.
Don't tell nobody.
- Oh, well that's
definitely a ghost.
- Like, it was me
and Tupac right?
Then Biggie showed up,
and I was like nope.
That's too much for me.
- They were in the same room?
- Yes, girl.
They friends.
- [Tanya] Okay.
- They thought they was
gonna run a train on me
but I wasn't having it.
- Oh, gosh.
Okay.
- Hotel, I gotta
tell you the truth.
I'm actually a ghost.
I'm here in the hotel.
I can't get out.
(laughing)
- Are you calling from a room?
- And just so you
know, I am that cat.
You could be nice
sometimes and pet me.
(laughing)
(yowling)
You ever (beeps) a ghost cat?
- No, ma'am.
I have not.
Well, I'm gonna
have to let you go.
- You feel something
on your leg right now?
That's me.
(yowling)
- Okay, you have a
wonderful day, okay?
- I'm your new spirit animal.
- Thank you.
(laughing)
- Forever!
(yowling)
- Okay, bye.
(receiver clicks)
(upbeat music)
- (beeping) Bike
Shop, this is Ethan.
- Oh, sorry I butt-dialed you.
- Oh.
- That happens to
me all the time.
Does that happen to you a lot?
- Yeah.
- Oh man, I can't believe
I butt dialed again.
Who am I talking to?
- This is Ethan at
(beeping) Bike Shop.
- Oh, I love bikes.
I sit on them all the time.
- That's awesome.
- Yeah.
Oh man, I feel like a real butt.
- Oh, it's all right.
It happens.
- I'm a butt.
- It's okay.
- Do you have any
good deals on bikes?
- Uh, we have some marked down
just end of the year stuff.
- Do you sell just bike seats?
- [Ethan] Yeah.
- Oh, that's nice
because I'm a big ol' butt.
- Um.
- I get it, people don't
like to admit that,
but there's nothing
wrong with it.
I am who I am.
A butt.
I have big red cheeks.
And I make doo-doo.
I just feel like we're
butt buddies at this point.
- Uh, I guess so.
- [Fortuna] I like you.
I like you a lot.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, I appreciate
you talking to me.
I didn't mean to call
you, but now that I did
it feels like fate.
- Okay.
- Are you stoned?
- No.
- I'm kind of stoned.
- Sounds like it.
- Did you have any
questions for me?
- No, I definitely do not.
- Can I just run
something by you?
- Sure.
- Knock knock, you
say who's there.
- Nope.
- Butt.
(farting noise)
(laughing)
Get it?
(upbeat music)
(rock music)
(phone ringing)
- (beeping) Lumber,
this is (beeping).
How can I help you today?
- I'm just calling to
ask about doing a ritual
on the lumber yard,
but I'm also interested
in building a breakfast
nook for my house,
and I was wondering
if that something
you could help me with too.
- So what is it that
you need to know, then?
- I do believe that I
have to bless the wood
that I believe that
you have all murdered
before I build the breakfast
nook in my kitchen,
but the bottom line is I
want to buy a bunch of wood.
- Mm-hmm.
- And I just need
to know in what way
these pieces were murdered.
- Um, I would have
to find that out.
Usually it's that they
are sawed down by loggers.
- Sawed down?
- I mean, that's
all that I know,
is that they take a
chainsaw, you know.
- Oh, do the screams of the
forest haunt you at night?
- Um, I don't do that.
I'm just a cashier.
- Oh, don't tell me you've
never held a saw before.
- I have not.
- Okay, my sisters
and I are gathering.
We're gonna be traveling
to the lumber yard soon
to pick out our
murdered sisters.
- Okay.
- But you should know that
our robes are translucent.
You will be able
to see everything.
We're very enticing--
- Um, you would have to--
- So tell the lumber yard
guys not to stare at us.
- I have no control
over anybody else's,
what they do or
see, or whatever,
and you would have to
come to our manager
at the time for
permission to do that.
- How much does each
murdered soul cost per foot?
- It depends on the size
and the length.
- You should know that
all sisters are bound so--
- [Store Clerk]
Okay, but I have--
- So you shouldn't be afraid.
- I have other customers,
so I am not afraid
of anything, so.
- Well, your other
customers probably couldn't
give you the power to seek
revenge on your enemies.
- Okay.
Well, it's been
nice talking to you,
and like I said, before
you do any kind of blessing
or anything, you'll have
to speak to a manager.
- Oh no, we will be
doing a blessing tonight.
We will be showing
up in our robes.
We will be completely
naked underneath
covered in blood, fur, hair.
We will be locating as
many bones as we can
on the property--
- We close--
- We will be using
charcoal to burn them,
and we will be saving the
souls of our murdered sisters
that you have so
carelessly sawed down.
Bone of my bone,
flesh of my flesh,
pray for my murdered sisters,
and guide me to the perfect
tile for my bath splash!
- You have a really great day.
- I'm also interested
in a pizza oven
for my coven!
(receiver clicks)
(upbeat rock music)
(crashing)
(upbeat funky music)
(phone ringing)
- Good afternoon, thank
you for calling (beeping)
how can I help you?
- Hi, I believe that your
shop sold my boyfriend
a purple fedora, velvet.
- Okay.
- So essentially, his entire
personality has shifted.
What is the deal
with these fedoras?
Did you tell him something
when he bought the fedora
possibly that might
have puffed him up
and made him feel
like he's king shit?
- I'm not really sure,
I've never heard of something
like this happening before.
- So you've never
seen like a customer,
they walk in there and
they're kind of like a dweeb,
and then all of a
sudden they put it on,
they're like oh check me out,
now I'm a totally
different dude than the one
that you started dating?
- Um, there can definitely
be a level of confidence
that can be boosted
when you feel good
in an article of clothing.
- Well you sound confident.
I'm confident.
Do you have a
fedora right now on?
I don't.
- I do.
I'm currently wearing
a fedora, yes.
- Ugh, it just gets
worse and worse.
He won't even take
it off, like, in bed.
- Okay, what would
you like me to do?
I'm not really sure--
- Well here's the thing.
I'll tell you what I'd
like you to do with it
and it's very specific.
Last night when he was asleep,
and he's so pissed
at me right now,
I took this frickin' hat and
I cut it up with scissors
into little frickin'
tiny pieces.
What I wanna do is bring
you a bag of those pieces
and I want you to
give me my money back
because what you
did is irresponsible
and it's not right.
He's so mad at me now,
and this has almost been
like a relationship ender.
- Because we sold him a hat,
it's a relationship ender?
That's what you're saying?
- Exactly.
- Okay, I'm going to
call some higher-ups
and see what we can do,
and one of them will
probably give you a call.
Is that okay?
- How many higher-ups is it,
like 16 of them wearing
gold hats somewhere
in a mansion?
(whistles)
And you're making a profit
by taking people's souls.
The devil is alive.
- Is there anything else I can
help you with today Jocelyn?
- I thought you'd never ask.
Yeah, I wanna buy a
fedora for myself.
I want him to see what it feels
to be on the receiving end
of the arrogance and the bravado
the confidence that
seems it would never end
of someone wearing a fedora.
- Wow.
- I want 100 fedoras,
and I'm gonna burn them
in a pile outside your store.
Big ol' fedora bonfire,
and you ask the higher-ups if
they're all right with that.
- Ma'am, I literally cannot be
a part of this conversation.
- Sir.
- [Store Clerk] Anymore.
- Sir?
- You can call me whatever
you like, but I need--
- No, I'm saying I am a sir.
I identify as he.
- Okay, my apologies, sir.
- Thank you.
I hate fedoras!
- Is it okay if we end
this conversation now
so I can--
- You do not have my consent.
- Okay, so I'm just
supposed to sit on the phone
with you all day?
- I would appreciate it.
I've never had one friend.
- I'm sorry, that's
a personal issue.
I'm working.
- I honor you, you honor me.
Will you be my friend,
take off your fedora,
and come meet me
for a late lunch?
- I'm not meeting
you outside of work.
I'm not meeting you anywhere.
This is an issue--
- We're rockin', we're rollin'.
- [Store Clerk] That's
out of my hands.
- I have a pet--
- [Store Clerk] I've
told you what I can do.
- Muskrat.
- And you're not
letting me help you.
- He will--
- By not letting me
get off the phone--
- Come to your store
and lead you to me.
(receiver clicks)
(upbeat rock music)
(phone ringing)
- (beeping) This is Alana.
- Hello!
With whom am I speaking?
- Alana.
- Alana, this is Niles Standish!
I have lice!
- Mm-hmm.
- Alana, I'm wondering
if you could help me.
- Sure.
- I inherited a small orangutan
in her preteen years.
And I need to curb her diet,
so I'm going to need to
remove some of my lice.
How do lice work?
- Lice work by
passing one to another
for the entirety of humankind.
Once you have a pregnant female,
she is pregnant for
the rest of her life
and can lay fertile
eggs and make new lice.
- Oh.
Are you an ape
enthusiast like I am?
- I mean, I've many times
wished I could bring an ape
into the office to pick
through people's hair,
just because it would be fun.
- Well, if you're hiring,
Sharon would be wonderful.
She's good at
small-scale lice removal
and you don't have to pay her.
She eats what she removes.
It's a win-win.
- Mm-hmm.
- I've had Sharon
since she was a babe.
I brutally murdered her
mother on a gaming expedition
in the Congo, unaware she
had an adorable little baby!
What luck!
- Okay.
- We have a whole circle.
What we do here is
Sharon eats my lice,
my brother Giles picks
the lice off Sharon,
then I eat Giles' lice.
- Who's Giles?
- Giles, my twin brother.
- Oh.
- I want to talk to her!
- No, Giles.
Back in the box!
Not this call.
So, tell me more
about that permanently
pregnant lice female.
- The female louse, she
comes onto your hair
and she'll just lay
eggs all day everyday
until she dies, and then
they'll pass and mate
and lay eggs on your hair
all day until they die.
- Sounds like my aunt Bernice.
She popped them out like
an Appalachian meth mom.
Alana, I don't want to
eradicate these lice,
but they're completely
out of control now.
Completely out of control!
- Yes, that is what they do.
So is there somewhere, is
there a number that I can--
- Alana, hold on a moment.
Giles and Sharon
are at it again.
Giles, do not ride Sharon!
I'm sorry, Sharon,
do not ride Giles!
One of the lice
has grown so large,
it's trying to eat Sharon!-
- All right.
- Get it Giles!
Giles is riding the giant lice!
Get down from there!
Oh hold on, I'm jumping on.
All right, the three
of us are riding off
on the giant lice!
Alana, lice talking to you.
- Nice talking to you.
- Toodles, love!
(receiver clicks)
(upbeat music)
(phone ringing)
- It's Michelle.
- Hi, this is Terrence Catheter,
and I represent Paris Hilton.
You know who she is, obviously.
- Absolutely.
- Paris has an incredible idea.
She wants to get married.
- Oh.
- To her chihuahua.
- Amazing.
- They are very much in love.
You've probably seen their
posting together on Instagram,
and she's just
like, you know what?
Let's do this.
I mean, neither one of
us is gonna live forever,
one of us much shorter
than the other,
and so let's tie the knot.
Let's make this happen.
- Absolutely.
So when was she
thinking of doing this?
- What we're thinking
is half-human, half-dog
type guest situation.
So we'd have about 100
people, and 100 dogs.
We're thinking maybe
we would have bowls
with the guests' names on them,
and I think it would
be such a cute thing
for the people to get down
on their hands and knees,
and to eat right
alongside the dogs.
- Okay.
- And we think we'll get
a great deal of attention
for both her, and
for your place.
- So I don't know if
you've seen online
the agave suite.
That's like our--
- Yes, oh it's beautiful.
It's totally agave.
The whole thing
seems so agave to me.
(laughing)
Are there any squirrels
on the premises?
- I'm sure there are.
- Okay, that could be a problem
because Sergio does get a
little crazy around them,
and he likes to rip them up,
so if we could
just, I don't know,
exterminate all the
squirrels or whatever
before we get there, we
would so appreciate it.
- Well--
- Is the pool open for the dogs?
- Uh, no.
We don't allow any
outside animals,
or any animals.
- [Terrence] What
about the hot tub?
- The hot tub is in the
same pool area, so no.
- These are like
largely purse dogs.
- Oh, I figured as much.
- I mean, they do
get a little crazy.
They are animals, and there
will be some leg-humping
and probably we'll
have some accidents.
- Yeah.
- And drugs, too.
We'd love to have some drugs.
- Well we can't do that here.
- Oh, gotcha.
Wink, wink.
The honeymoon suite.
Let's talk about that.
- So there's just a (beeping)
here that we have here.
It's our biggest suite here.
- Great, that's where they will,
I guess consummate this thing.
Regular bed or dog bed?
- Just a regular bed.
- And I am going
to speak to Paris
about their first child,
because if it is a girl
I would love them to name
it after you, (beeping).
- Thank you so much.
- Now, when we do meet Paris,
please don't look
her in the eyes
because they're a
little bit dead.
- (chuckling) Okay.
- This is so hot, isn't it?
- Very much so.
- This is gonna be bigger
than Harry and Meghan.
- Oh, even better.
- Because Meghan isn't a dog.
- Alrighty, have a good day.
- Goodbye.
(receiver clicks)
(upbeat country music)
- Yee-haw!
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
(upbeat funky music)
(phone ringing)
- Thank you for
calling (beeping).
This is Ryan, how
can I help you?
- Hey Ryan, good afternoon.
How are you doing, sir?
- Good, yourself?
- Very good.
This is the Reverend
Lanny Calderson.
I'm pastor of First
(beeping) Baptist.
And I had a quick question
about the (beeping) games.
I wanted to bring some
of my congregation.
- Sure.
- What I was trying to find out
was what exactly is the cost
to do one of those stadium
scoreboard, the dedications?
- So like a little shout-out?
- I know some of my
more secular relatives
told me that they do
something where people,
I believe they kiss one another.
- It basically just a,
they call it a kiss cam.
- I would assume
they win condoms
or some sort of prophylactics
if they're kissing.
- We're not looking
for X-rated stuff.
We're just, you know, like
a couple out and about,
just enjoying
themselves at the game.
- I wanted to just put a
little message on the board
in there, and you let
me know if this message
is something that
could be approved.
- Okay.
- I wanted to say
to my wife, Carol,
who's the first
lady of my church,
I wanted to tell her
I'm having an affair
with a woman half your age.
- [Ryan] Okay.
- Who accepts me
as a sexual being.
You don't put out.
And I'd like to
split the difference
and invite this
woman named Candy,
yes, her name is Candy,
and I think you could learn
a lot from one another.
We need to buy a king sized bed
instead of this queen mattress
so that there's room for Candy
in the bed.
Amen.
- That I would
not be able to do.
- Have you ever had a dream?
- Have I had a dream?
Of course I have.
- Because I've had a dream.
I have a dream that
one day my wife
and Candy and I will
fornicate together
in the promised land.
Amen.
(thunder crashing)
- That's a good dream
to have for you.
- What's more family
friendly than a man
making a bigger family
with a 22-year-old?
(thunder crashing)
- Couldn't answer that for you.
- I just wanna make sure
that the message is possible.
And I'll tell Candy to wear
underwear for this event.
- I mean, I don't know.
A giant, like a
large group setting?
Is that appropriate to do?
- Well, all these people
gonna be gossiping anyway,
so they may as well see
the truth as it unfold.
What if you talk
to my wife for me?
- Yeah, I don't know if I
feel comfortable with that.
- She's not gonna stab you.
- Seems like something that
you guys could work out.
I don't know if I want to
get involved in it, so.
- And then you put up there
Caroline, I'm sorry,
but Candy is better for me.
- Oh, hell no!
Get yo ass off the
phone and tell me
who the (beeping) is Candy?
- Let me call you back.
I got to pray with my wife.
(receiver clicks)
(upbeat music)
(thunder crashing)
(mysterious music)
(phone ringing)
- Hi, this is Terri.
- Terri, I need to
talk to somebody
who recently passed away.
Can you help me?
- I can, yes.
Uh-huh.
- Oh thank god.
Thank you, thank
you, thank you Terri.
Look, my uncle, he passed away,
and he was handling all
my finances and stuff,
so he has like my ATM number,
and I don't know none of that,
so I need to get
in touch with him
so that he can give
me that information
and get my money.
- Yeah.
- Before his no-good kids
get they mitts on it.
- Yeah.
Definitely.
- Okay.
His name is Ronald Harper.
- Okay.
- He looks like
an old Jamie Fox.
- Oh, cool.
- Who drank too much.
- (chuckling) Who
drank too much.
- Yeah.
If you get a whiff
of gin, that's him.
- Yeah, he's giving
me the number 1217.
- 1217.
Okay wait, let me try that.
Let me see if that works.
Let me.
- Yeah, and if that doesn't work
you're just gonna
have to go to the bank
and get them to
give you a new card
and a new pin number.
- 1217.
Terri!
I'm in!
I'm in, you did it!
- Oh good.
- It's working!
Woo!
- [Terri] Good.
- Okay.
Now I got my money.
(Terri laughing)
Oh my god.
Oh my god, I could cry.
Now ask him.
- Okay.
- What is his HBO gold password?
- I'm trying.
Yeah, hang on, I'm trying.
It makes me yawn when
the spirit connects.
- I would not be surprised,
because he was always,
he was such a boring man.
(yawning)
- Is it bananas?
- Bananas?
Let me try that.
- Okay.
- Terr, I'm in!
I'm in!
(laughing)
- Well, there you go.
- You are two for two!
Now I can catch up
on all my shows.
Oh my goodness.
- That's wonderful.
That is wonderful.
- How do I pay you?
- Okay, you can go to PayPal,
or you can read me a debit
card number right here.
I can run it through my machine.
- I tell you.
Just look at my debit card.
(laughing)
Can you do that?
- I don't know if I can do that.
I don't think so.
Can you read it to me.
- Oh shit, his
wife just text me.
Oh oh, oh wait a minute.
She said the bank
accounts are empty.
Oh shit, Terri she knows!
She knows I'm cleaning them out!
Terri, should I go
to Cabo or Brazil?
- Oh, Cabo.
Go to Cabo, yeah.
- Okay, I'm off to Cabo.
- Okay.
- Put a spell on her real quick.
Her name is Emma.
Get that bitch, Terri!
I'll wire you the money here.
I'm out!
- Okay.
All right.
Bye-bye.
- Adios!
(mysterious music)
(cheerful classical music)
(phone ringing)
- Thank you for calling the
National Audubon Society.
This is Sarah.
How may I help you?
- Hi, yes.
My name's Bob, I actually
had a question for you
about a bird.
I have a, do you
know the ring systems
for your doorbell?
- Yeah.
- I've noticed this,
a bird outside my house,
and it hovers near the ring,
so I have it on video, and
I would able to describe it,
but I can't find it
for the life of me.
And I've even searched
through my Audubons
and just can't figure it out,
and thought you might
be able to help.
- Okay.
- He's got a purple crown
and a red breast, but
it then turns white.
Let me scroll through
the ring here.
Oh no, he's flying
out into the yard.
Oh, there's Rusty.
Rusty's my neighbor.
Oh wait, wait, wait.
- Where are you located?
- Yeah, no.
I'm just seeing
something on here
that's throwing me for a,
my wife has walked out,
and it looks like
they're sharing a kiss.
Oh.
I'll get back to this bird.
So the bird is flitting around.
Oh god, I'm so sorry.
They walked out of frame,
and they're back in the frame.
Some heavy kissing.
- Well, if you need to
go and deal with that,
you can always give
us a call back.
- Right, like french kissing.
Like open mouth.
- Yeah, well I'd be
happy to help you
with the bird, but yeah.
- Yeah, so the bird is,
it's almost like an
Eastern bluebird, but not.
- Is it possibly a barn swallow?
- I don't think so.
I've seen my way around a
couple barn swallows and I,
oh god, I'm sorry.
Hang on one second.
I'm seeing another image
that's hard to see.
(sighs)
I'm so sorry.
- That's okay.
- You just assume that you're,
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
Keep this on the birds.
- Take your time.
- Yeah, no.
I don't think it's
a barn swallow.
Maybe a titmouse.
That's always been
the weirdest name,
because it's like--
- [Sarah] Yeah.
- If anything I was naming it,
I'd call it a breast-mouse.
(laughing)
Anyway, I don't think it's
a bird of prey but could be.
- Yeah, I don't know.
Have you tried any of the bird
identification sites online?
- Oh my god.
There's another, I'm so
sorry, there's another person
coming in here.
What in the heck is
going on here, Janine?
Good god.
Rusty's gone, now
it's my friend Jim.
- [Sarah] Well, I'm--
- Oh god.
It's like, when it rains
it pours, you know?
- Yeah, yeah.
No, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Oh, he's wheelbarrowing her.
God darn guy is
wheelbarrowing her.
Clothes are on,
but it's just like
you know, when something--
- Yeah, I understand,
and I'm gonna have
to let you go, okay?
- Well I got good news
and I got bad news.
It is a blue eastern finch,
but there are now five man.
- Thanks for calling Audubon.
(upbeat music)
(cheerful holiday music)
(phone ringing)
- Hello, (beeping)
how can I help?
- Hello, (beeping).
This is Niles Standish calling.
I'm going to be a shopping
center Santa Clause,
and I need some
alterations on a suit.
Would that be something
you could handle?
- Uh should be, yeah.
- Now, I've just
moved into town.
I've left all my old
Santa gear behind,
it was burned in an incinerator.
Want a fresh start.
With a clean Santa suit.
No stains or
evidence whatsoever.
I'd like the belly to
be completely exposed,
more like a bare midriff.
- I--
- Wouldn't you want to see
jolly old St. Nick's tummy
really shake when he giggles?
- Well, you know,
it depends on who you are.
- Yes, I'm the Duke
of Yankerville.
Now listen (beeping) my suit
will need a long front zipper
just in case a brawl breaks out,
I don't like to
bloody up the suit.
Rather fist the cuffs
in the raw anyway.
- Hmm.
- What would be
the thinnest fabric
that you could make
the suit out of?
- You'd need at least
something the weight of a knit.
- I want something as
thin as a spray tan.
- I don't think
that really exists
in terms of fabric.
There's visual effects that
are thin as a spray tan.
- You know the legend of
Santa's surprise pocket?
- I don't.
- It's a Dutch tradition
where the children would
reach into Santa's pocket
and pull out a surprise.
I want the slit,
but no pocket.
Do you know what I mean?
- I don't.
- I love Christmas,
but each Christmas morn
I like to throw open my window
and yell to the small
children downstairs
to fetch me the turkey
down the street,
and I'll give them half a crown!
- Oh, I just had
a client come in.
I gotta, hold on.
- Let me talk to him.
Let me talk to him for a moment.
- Uh, this is (beeping).
- I'm a potential customer.
How do you feel they
did with your order?
- Uh, they did really well.
- Now, (beeping), has been
all over me since I called.
- Oh yeah?
- Now this is between us,
this is between us.
She's insatiable, and I love it.
I love it.
- Okay.
- Now, describe her
for me if you would.
- No, I'm gonna pass.
I got some other stuff to
do, but I appreciate it.
- No, no, no, no, no.
We'll do it in code,
we'll do it in code.
We'll do it in code.
Listen, would you
like to be an elf
and come down my chimney?
(electricity buzzing)
(receiver clicks)
(cheerful Christmas music)
- [Man] (beeping) idiot.
(upbeat music)
(phone ringing)
- Hello, (beeping).
How may I help you?
- Hey, I wanted to know
if I could book a party.
- Oh, absolutely.
- Okay, cool.
It's gonna be like 14 kids.
- Okay.
- Two weeks from now.
And then eight of the
kids have measles.
- So eight of the kids are,
like they're sick, or?
- No, they're not sick,
they're just contagious.
And then two are vegan.
So I just wanna make sure
there's vegan options
at the snack bar.
- There are, I believe.
Did you say they
were contagious?
- Well, I mean
measles is contagious,
but we're just kind of,
they're riding it out.
- Okay.
Um--
- Okay, cool.
And the measles, it's
just like natural measles.
- I know there's
two different kinds,
my mother's actually a doctor,
and you said that and I
just wanted to make sure
they weren't actually
like highly contagious
where I'd have to be--
- Did you say you're a doctor?
- No, no, no.
My mother is.
- Oh, okay.
- So I was just wanting to
make sure it wasn't gonna be
putting other customers
or other children
that are here at risk.
- It will, a bit.
But that's just part of measles.
But it's like the cute disease
where they have the little,
you know, the little
red spots on their face.
- Mm-hm.
Okay.
All right.
Um--
- And maybe, can
your mother be there?
Because it always helps to
have a doctor in the house.
- Probably not, because
she has her own job.
- No, I hear you.
And we don't need the
doctors for the measles.
It's just for the one
kid who has leprosy.
- Will you actually
give me one second?
I'm gonna check
something real quick.
- I think we're just gonna
come there now, because--
- Tonight?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, so I have a kid
that actually just got
seriously hurt, and I need
to go ahead and like call--
- Guys, get in the van!
Okay, I'll see you then.
Take care of that little kid.
- [Girl] All right.
- Love you.
- Bye.
(upbeat music)
- Can I tell you
something quickly?
- Well, I, we are
starting to get
kind of a line of
customers in here,
and it's just me and
my other coworker.
- Yeah, I made a
beet powder smoothie,
and 'bout 10 hours
later I was on the pot
doing my business.
Look down, looked
like "Rosemary's
Baby" in that toilet.
Now that's happened to
the best of us, right?
- Yeah.
- Right.
So here's my little invention,
and this could make a real
hit at the whole foods store.
It's a Bircham beet bracelet.
Give them a little, you
know like the Live Strong
Lance Armstrong bracelet?
This is just a purple bracelet.
You're sitting on the commode.
You look down at your handiwork.
You think you've
had a prolapsed anus
and all of a sudden you
look at your bracelet
and you go oh, that's right
I had beets nine
to 11 hours ago.
Sweet idea.
- That is, actually.
- All right.
(upbeat music)
- Hello?
- [Terrence] Bobby?
- Yes.
- Bobby, this is
Terrence Catheter.
Jimmy Kimmel gave me
your phone number.
- Okay.
- Because he thought you
might be interested in this,
and he said you were friendly.
- (chuckles) Yes,
I am very friendly.
- I represent Millie Bobby Brown
who I'm sure you're
familiar with.
- Yes.
I am.
- And sometimes it is
confusing to people
because you are a
global superstar,
and she is a global superstar,
and we've got a Bobby Brown
and we've got a
Millie Bobby Brown.
And what she was hoping
is she might be able
to buy your name from you.
- No.
I'm not changing
my name for nobody.
- Well, this is a real
punch in the stomach for me.
- She's getting a
lot of exposure off
using my name period.
- I know that, isn't
that wonderful?
- So why would I change my name?
Why would I change my name?
- Hear me out on this.
Are you familiar with Crisco,
the vegetable shortening?
- No.
- They would love it if you
were to change your name
to Bobby Crisco.
And they would pay
for this, handsomely.
- No, I have a
food line of my own
called Bobby Brown Foods.
So why would I change
my name to Bobby Crisco?
- Because here's the thing.
Millie is currently right now
trademarking the
name Bobby Brown.
- She can't trademark it.
It's my name.
- Apparently they've
done some research
and they feel like
the world now thinks
Bobby Brown is a bald
little white girl
with superpowers
on Netflix, so--
- No, that's not
what people think.
They know my name long
before she was even born.
- Would you consider
changing to another color,
like say Bobby Purple?
- I am not interested
at all, sir.
I'm sorry.
- What about Bobby Beige?
- Are you playing with me?
Are you serious?
- She's 15 years old now,
and she's been firing people,
and I just don't want to be
on the other end of that.
- Well, I'm 50 years old,
and no I'm not changing my name
to Bobby Crisco or Bobby Beige.
Why won't she change her name?
- Oh, you know I
did suggest that,
that maybe she just
go by Millie Brown,
but she's like no,
Millie Bobby Brown.
Get him on the phone,
make the deal or you're fired.
- Well, I guess you're fired.
(laughing) I'm not changing
my name though, sir.
- I'm so sorry to waste
your time with this.
- Thank you.
- And I guess our attorneys
will be contacting you
and serving you, or whatever.
- Serving me?
- Well yes, because I mean--
- Listen, listen to me.
I hope this is a joke
because threatening me to sue
for my name
because some little girl
wants to keep my name?
It's my name.
She wasn't even born
when I was using my name.
- When you explain it like that,
it does feel a little
bit unreasonable.
- It's actually, you know what--
- What if you were
to change your name
to Not Millie Bobby Brown
just to make it clear?
- No.
- Like, people could
call you Not Millie.
(splashing)
Bobby?
(upbeat music)
- [Announcer] Tonight
on Little Inbound,
a man answers our ad
for a free monkey.
(phone ringing)
- [Jonathan] Thank you
for calling CY Industries.
Our call system responds
to your voice commands.
To continue, say yes.
- Yes.
- [Jonathan] Okay,
please say your name.
- Wilson.
- [Jonathan] Filson.
If this is correct, say
yes this is correct.
- No, it's not correct.
- [Jonathan] Great, Milson.
- Wilson.
- [Jonathan] To ensure
this is not a robocall,
please tell me how many
traffic lights you hear
in the following captcha.
Traffic light, traffic
light, side of barn,
traffic light, stop sign,
blurred picture of a bus.
- Three.
- [Jonathan] Perfect.
Just one more thing to make
sure you're a real person.
Would you mind clapping?
If not, just say
no clapping for me.
(clapping)
Thank you for your patience.
We're almost done.
But first, can you tell me
about the reason you called
so I can further connect you?
- Craigslist ad.
- [Jonathan] Great.
So you're not calling
about the Craigslist ad.
That's great.
- Craigslist ad.
- [Jonathan] Okay.
Hold on while I sing
some hold music for you.
(vocalizing)
If you're calling about
smegma removal services,
say or press yes.
If not, say "Oops, not smegma."
- Oops, not mema.
- [Jonathan] Megma?
Are you talking about
smegma, or megma?
- Craigslist ad!
- [Jonathan] Okay, I think
I have everything now.
You've really given me
a lot to work with here,
and frankly, I'm proud of you.
If you'd like to continue,
please answer the questions
provided to you by
the bridge troll.
- [Troll Voice] So,
you've come this far
and you've done very
well, but for now you must
answer a riddle I tell.
What is blue, what is hot,
what is covered in snot?
Can you say them by name,
or perhaps you cannot.
- Not sure.
- It sounds thought the
thoughts in your mind,
they are swimming, so I'm sorry,
you must return
to the beginning.
- [Jonathan] Thank you
for calling CY Industries.
Your wait time is five
hours and 37 minutes
and 17 seconds.
(receiver clicking)
(upbeat funky music)
♪ The guys are back
to make you crazy ♪
♪ You're probably gonna
call us stupid or lazy ♪
♪ Because we're
disturbing others ♪
♪ Maybe even your mother ♪
♪ Won't you join the
Crank Yankers today ♪
- [Child] Crank Yankers!
