 
A

Parenting

Toolbox

A Collection of Strategies

to Raise Children and Teenagers

into Happy and Successful Adults

Gregory H. Wlodarski

Copyright © 2015 Gregory H. Wlodarski

Edition: October 2015

For

All the parents who are ready

to do the hard work of parenting.
**Table of Contents**

Introduction

Chapter 1. The Child

The Developing Mind

The Spectrum of Egos

Personality and Character

Birth Order

Summary

Chapter 2. The Parent

Parenting Styles

Personal Skin

The Dark Side

Avoiding Stress

Summary

Chapter 3. Parenting

Stages of Learning

Teaching the Child

Parenting Goals

Parenting Misconceptions

The Parenting Process

Summary

Chapter 4. Emotional Fluency

Introduction

Teaching Emotional Fluency

Comments

Summary

Chapter 5. Behavioral Modification

Introduction

Negative Reinforcement

Positive Reinforcement

Preventing Misbehavior

Reasons for Failure

Summary

Chapter 6. Parenting Stages

Chapter 7. Safety and Comfort (Ages 0 \- 3)

Introduction

Soothing

Emotional Fluency

Self-Control

Self-Assurance

Reassurance

Pain in Perspective

Summary

Chapter 8. Subordination (Ages 1 - 5)

Introduction

Be the Boss

Share Lives and Laughs

Yes Ma'am, Yes Sir

Require Permission

Offer Simple Choices

Emotional Fluency

Summary

Chapter 9. Self Control (Ages 2 - 7)

Introduction

Be Calm

Minimize Excess Stimulation

Minimize Tantrums

Prepare for Changes

Encourage Stillness

Define Limits

Encourage Kindness

Emotional Fluency

Keep Your Promises

Summary

Chapter 10. Values (Ages 3 - 18)

Introduction

Teaching Values

Respect

Responsibility

Curiosity and Initiative

Backbone

Perseverance

Honesty

Caring, Tolerance, and Citizenship

Fairness

Summary

Chapter 11. Meditation (Ages 4 - 6+)

Chapter 12. The Teenager

Chapter 13. Parenting Teenagers

Tolerating Turmoil

Nurturing the Individual

Emotional Fluency

Behavior Modification

Values

Meditation

Summary

Chapter 14. Parent as Teacher

Appendix

Bibliography

#  Introduction

Parenting is a complex and demanding undertaking full of hardships and rewards. While we can be grateful that the hardships are temporary and the rewards last a lifetime, it would be nice to approach those hardships prepared with useful information. The contemporary parent is, in many cases, a parent who is raising a child while also balancing multiple family responsibilities as well as working part- or full-time. And, too often, this contemporary parent is a single parent.

Although there are many opinions about raising a child, there are a handful of clear and well-documented principles about raising a child _correctly_. These principles have been described in many books, texts, and journals. Unfortunately, few parents are in a position to read all these valuable resources.

I am a parent who has witnessed both inspiring and inappropriate parenting. And I've seen the wonderful and tragic consequences for children and for the adults they become. After reviewing multiple texts and other resources for parents, I concluded that parents need more information and need it delivered in a way that gets to the subject more quickly. The purpose of this text is to put the principles of effective parenting in a form that is clear and to the point. Though I don't pretend that the following chapters are all inclusive, I hope they form a basis for parenting that will help make the process of raising a child less frustrating and more understandable and enjoyable.

Unfortunately, there are parenting issues that pose greater challenges and demands for parents than those of "typical families." These issues may be found in families affected by a quarrelsome divorce, an absentee parent, the death of a parent or sibling, mental illness, abuse, or crime. I leave the discussion of these extraordinary circumstances to more specialized books and specially trained authors.

This book presents the elements of childhood behavior so that you can understand the reasons behind the parenting strategies discussed here. The multiple parenting techniques presented can be thought of as tools for influencing child behavior. But you don't have to apply them all. Consider this book a toolbox from which you pick those tools that serve you and your child best. Use the techniques that match the needs and temperament of your child while also taking advantage of your own strengths as a parent and minimizing your weaknesses.

It's likely that you may already understand or know much of the material here. If that's the case, adding a few of the remaining strategies to your skills as a parent, while avoiding those actions listed under the "Dark Side" in Chapter 2 and "Parenting Misconceptions" in Chapter 3, will help you and your child tremendously.

This book is available as a free download at smashwords.com and as a print-on-demand paperback book at TheBookPatch.com.

#  Chapter 1. The Child

### The Developing Mind

Though infants come into the world lacking knowledge, experience, and memories, they have the capacity for motivations, emotions, and learning. Their brain circuits are ready to learn as much as possible from what is seen, heard, and felt. This contributes to the process of forming the new individual. Knowing what motivates infants and children and understanding the process of learning will help you make the right parenting choices and take appropriate actions.

#### Motivations and Emotions

Though the infant's life and learning are just starting, there are a few thinking patterns that are part of the brain's fundamental design. These involve the basic motivations - to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and survive - as well as the emotions that fuel them: joy, sadness, fear, and anger.

Joy is the emotion associated with a physical experience of pleasure or with the experience of avoiding pain. Thus, feeling joy motivates us to continue or to repeat those behaviors that lead to the experience of pleasure or the prevention of pain. The emotion of sadness is derived from experiencing a physical pain or the loss of pleasure. Similarly, sadness motivates us to behave in a way that avoids painful experiences and the loss of pleasurable ones.

In the first few months of life, the experiences of pleasure and pain are limited: being fed or being hungry, feeling warm or cold, being massaged or having the pain of an illness (e.g., an ear infection). As children experience and learn about the world, they link their motivations and their related pleasure and pain to an ever-growing collection of experiences. The feeling of pleasure and pain is often a direct result of experiences such as those listed above. However, if an infant, child, or even an adult experiences pleasure or pain followed by a memorable experience, even if not directly related to that pleasure or pain, the mind will learn to link the two. Examples include a mother's voice and scent being linked with the pleasure that really came from being fed or hugged, and the sound of running water being associated with the discomfort of a cold bath. Or, in adulthood, hearing a certain song while being happy or sad will connect that song to the emotion long after the real cause for the emotion has passed. This type of conditioning continues throughout life and increases our collection of stimuli for our emotional experiences. And our behaviors respond to those stimuli, to repeat or avoid those experiences, depending on their pleasurable or painful nature or associations.

The crib-bound infant has little opportunity to express his or her survival instinct; however, as the infant becomes more aware of his or her surroundings, the emotions of the survival instinct can show themselves. Fear can be experienced when the infant hears sudden loud or unpleasant noises or sees unfamiliar objects or faces. _Stranger anxiety_ , the fear of unfamiliar faces, is first seen when the infant is about seven to eight months old. Anger, however, develops much later. Nonetheless, just as discussed above with joy and sadness, the infant and child will link their emotions of fear and anger to both related and unrelated experiences that happen to occur about the same time. Occurring throughout life, this conditioning increases the collection of experiences associated with the survival instinct and its related emotions of fear and anger and their associated behaviors of fleeing or fighting.

#### The Egocentric Self

During an infant's first year, he or she reaches out with eyes and limbs to make contact with the world and learn about it. During this period, the world becomes identified with two realms. The external realm is that which is seen and touched without further identification. The blanket, bed, food, and people all have this external identity identified through seeing and touching. The internal realm is that which is identified as part of the self. The infant moves an arm and simultaneously sees and feels it moving. The infant reaches out a hand to touch his or her foot and simultaneously feels the foot being touched. The touching self, while also feeling the sensation of being touched, and the moving self, while also seeing the self move, contribute to the process of learning what is and what is not "me," the self.

As the collection of experiences and associated emotional responses grow, so do the meanings of these experiences for the self. The motivations connected to pleasure, pain, and survival expand into thoughts of like, dislike, want, and don't want, as well as feeling needed and wanted, and the desire to exercise self-expression and independence. These make up the complex pattern of thoughts and motivations that grow with time in both number and complexity. These thoughts, like the brush strokes added to a canvas one by one, eventually form a recognizable image, the image of "me" or "I," the feeling of self. The first expression of this image of self, the ego, can be seen the first time a toddler between the ages of twenty and twenty-four months says "No!" or demonstrates embarrassment, pride, or shame. The baby's mind has now given birth to the self and will realize his or her own will, the basic motivations, and the associated emotions.

#### Egocentricity and Irrationality

After the child's ego forms, the motivations of pleasure, pain, and survival, along with their associated emotions, evolve. Previously, these emotions and motivations pertained to the physical self or body, but with the birth of the ego, they began to involve this psychological self as well.

Pleasure is no longer limited to physical experiences; it now includes egocentric experiences such as getting attention, owning objects, having relationships, and expressing one's will, whether through power, creativity, or destruction, etc. And pain refers to things besides physical distress. It now includes psychological hurt as well, for example, a loss of relationships (loneliness), powerlessness, and envy. Anger and fear also evolve to include non-physical experiences such as jealousy, frustration, and contempt, or anxiety, shame, prejudice, and disgust. In a safe environment, survival becomes less about physical survival and more about survival of the sense of self, the ego.

During the years immediately after the first sign of the ego's formation - that dreaded first "No" - the child's perception of the world is egocentric. This is most obviously seen when children play. Children at this age have so-called parallel play; that is, each child does what he or she wants to do beside another child but without much interaction between them. This does not mean there is no point to children playing side by side without interaction. Children playing together, even though separately, provide each other with the stimulation and variety that allows them both to develop social skills that reduce egocentricity. This play also allows children to develop an awareness of the thinking of others as something different from their own. This helps redirect children's attention away from themselves toward others.

Until children are able to shift more of their attention away from themselves - their own ego - they strive for the pleasure of attention in any form. Very young children will first strive to please their parents to gain a positive attention response: praise. If children feel this isn't effective, they will then behave or misbehave to receive other forms of parental attention, even if it results in an unpleasant parental response.

To a rationally thinking adult, this may seem absurd \- to get pleasure from a form of attention (from unwanted behavior) that causes an unpleasant result. It must be remembered that the collision between the child's various drives creates many situations in which the child is caught between conflicting motivations: for example, gaining attention vs. avoiding an unpleasant consequence. This is further complicated by the child's inability to think rationally. Because the child's rationally thinking mind does not start developing until about age seven, the attitudes and thinking of a child under this age are largely magical and irrational. This is best seen by the easy acceptance of fantasies, such as the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny as real.

You can now understand that conflicting motivations, uncontrolled emotions, excessive egocentricity, and irrationality in the first years of childhood make growing up a confusing and difficult process for both child and parent. Early childhood is referred to in J. Gottman's book _Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child_ as an "unavoidable period of temporary psychosis." Good parenting prevents this "psychosis" from continuing in adulthood.

This combination of emotions, egocentricity, and irrationality contributes to young children's increased impressionability. They are influenced to a greater degree by what they see and hear than older children and adults. Thus, images and words can manufacture a reality in young children's minds that has no relationship to what is real. Children, who are not experiencing a certain emotion, may start to experience it if they hear that the emotion can occur in their particular location or circumstance. For example, telling a child not to be afraid when entering a dark theater may actually cause the child to experience fear. Similarly, telling children about their own physical or mental weakness, real or not, can cause children to express the weakness if it is imagined, or give up trying to overcome it if is real. Real or not, this perceived weakness could become a burden they will carry and struggle to overcome for years or a lifetime.

When hearing about an event, again and again, children may perceive each retelling of the same event as multiple occurrences of similar events. Thus, children who hear repeated news of a single catastrophe may become more anxious since, to their minds, every retelling means the event is happening again. Additionally, because young children are so ego-centered, they may consider an event their fault, causing guilt that could linger for years or a lifetime. This is the reason children should be spared any detailed discussion of adult topics, which are beyond their ability to cope and understand. Examples include reasons for divorce, home fires, lost job, someone's death or illness, etc. This is not a reason to avoid discussing these issues but a warning about how the issues are to be discussed, so that children do not perceive the event as something greater than it is or themselves as the cause.

Excessive praise or repeated criticism affects the image children are constructing of themselves. Excessive praise magnifies their own importance, putting their values, wants, and needs ahead of others, which can lead to arrogance and intolerance of others. Furthermore, excessive praise can be an experience children fear losing, so they may not want to risk challenging themselves with new or difficult tasks. Repeated criticism, on the other hand, puts their value below others, which can lead to feelings of inferiority, insecurity, timidity, and anxiety.

#### Dominance of Ego and Emotion

The desires for pleasure and the avoidance of pain, the urge to fight or flee, the emotions of joy, sadness, anger, and fear, together with egocentricity and an irrationally thinking brain, all contribute to the dominance of a self that prefers to express emotions.

A fundamental characteristic of the brain is to do more easily what it does more often. In other words, practice makes perfect. Thus, since the rational centers of the brain don't start to develop until about age seven, the mind has years to practice being immature, emotional, egocentric, and irrational.

Another characteristic of the brain is the reverse relationship between its emotional activity and rational-thinking activity. When the brain is engaged in emotion or strong attention to the self, the centers of the brain involved with problem solving show reduced activity. Conversely, when the brain is involved with problem solving, there is less activity in areas involved with emotions and thinking about the self. Furthermore, emotional expression is often a fast, automatic phenomenon done without much thinking, while rational thinking is a slower, more deliberate process. The automatic emotional reflex means that emotions can intrude upon other thoughts or invade and replace them so that a person who was once thinking calmly can, with the right stimulus, be suddenly driven to respond emotionally and irrationally. Furthermore, when the brain is involved with emotion, it is simultaneously activating the centers responsible for egocentricity, attention to the self. (There is a sort of feedback loop, where emotions increase attention to the self, which increases the intensity of emotions, which increases attentions to the self, and so on.) Thus, emotion and egocentricity contribute to reduced involvement of the rational mind. Finally, the automatic nature of emotions, the years of "practicing" thinking emotionally and egocentrically, and the inverse relationship between emotional thinking and rational thinking all contribute to the ease with which emotional and egocentric thinking take control of our attitudes and behaviors.

Emotional thoughts and actions may, therefore, seem a disadvantage. But, from a certain practical perspective, they may not always be a liability. A hazardous situation, such as a child crawling into the path of danger, does not allow for the luxury of time to think out a course of action. Here, the emotional response is an asset, propelling the mother to risk her own safety by jumping into the path of a threat to save her child. In a civilized society, however, most of life is not fraught with danger. Nonetheless, emotional, egocentric, and irrational tendencies continue to dominate unless the individual is trained otherwise.

The intensity of emotions ensures that we take notice of them, but this same intensity can distract us from thinking and acting rationally. This is similar to an alarm system in a factory. The alarm's annoying intensity ensures that workers will leave their chairs or lunches behind to take action. Once noticed, however, the alarm needs to be silenced so that workers can think and act without distraction to solve the ongoing crisis. Our brains also have the potential to modify emotions so that we can turn our attention to thinking and acting rationally. However, this is not an automatic function but the skill of self-control, which the young child needs to learn and practice to become a successful and happy adult.

Up to the age of three years or so, toddlers have an ever-expanding list of drives related to their likes and dislikes and the emotions to motivate these drives. But their inability to regulate these self-centered drives and emotions results in a phase of childhood called the "terrible twos." Any stimulus can serve as an emotional trigger for the toddler's extreme and uncontrolled emotional responses. The toddler in the throes of a tantrum is just as much a victim of his or her emotions as are those who witness them or who are the targets of the toddler's rage.

#### Self-Control

Thanks to parental involvement, children around the age of three to five years begin the long process of learning self-control. This leads to modifying selfish motivations, controlling emotions, and learning new, more constructive ways to express emotions.

Self-control modifies the urge for immediate satisfaction of the primary motivations for pleasure and pain. This allows the child and adult to work toward more mature or distant goals.

Self-control also starts the process of emotional regulation. This is important due to the previously mentioned feature of the brain's design: the reverse relationship between emotions and rational thinking. We can only think in one pattern at a time, emotional or rational. As self-control develops, the rational brain is able to further contribute to the regulation and modification of emotional expression. Thus, an individual who is able to regulate primitive motivations and the emotions that fuel them is better able to engage in rational thinking, learning, and problem solving. Furthermore, emotional regulation can prevent emotions from intruding on rational thinking already in progress.

Self-control also modifies the motivation to express ones will, which is related to the ego's survival instinct fueled by the emotions of anger and fear. This type of self-control contributes to reducing a child's inflexibility and defiance, which allows the toddler to become open to learning and accepting the guidance of parents and teachers to acquire the skills needed to mature and succeed in life.

Self-control further helps deemphasize self-preoccupation so that the child and the adult can focus on the events going on in the moment or the tasks at hand, without being distracted by selfish wants and needs or insignificant displeasures or annoyances.

Thanks to the process of gradually increasing self-control, children begin to focus less on their own immature wants and more on the world beyond. They start to pay attention to the feelings and motivations of others. This results in the beginnings of empathy and kindness that are seen at about four years old. Additionally, this self-control prepares children for rational thinking, which starts three to four years years later. Until then, self-centered, irrational, and magical thinking continues to be a powerful influence on children's motivations, perceptions, and behaviors.

#### Reason

Around seven to eight years of age, the child's mind takes a giant step forward by demonstrating refreshingly rational thinking. This starts the development of a new, rational self. This is most obviously seen when the child starts to question the existence of magical characters like the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus.

From this age onward, the child is able to apply reasoning to his or her experiences. However, this reasoning is concrete or basic, applying the simple thinking of "either this or that." The young child is unable to understand the many grades in between, for instance, the many shades of right and wrong or good and bad. Nonetheless, by this time, children will hopefully have developed self-control and the ability to shift attention away from their own wants and toward the world around them. These new abilities - self-control, directing attention beyond the self, and rational thinking - will foster the mental openness required to learn the skills of good character (discussed in Chapter 10, "Values"), needed to mature and succeed in life.

In each of the stages mentioned above, simply having the potential to learn a skill does not mean that skill will develop. Just because a child has reached the age of four or five does not guarantee the child will be more self-controlled. Nor does this guarantee the child will feel empathy. And, just because a child is beyond age eight, is not a guarantee that the child will be less egocentric or more rational. The developmental milestones ensure the building components have arrived, but the actual construction is up to the parents and the child's other caregivers. They help the child acquire the knowledge, skills, and experience to prepare for life in society and in the world.

#### Temperament

For every situation that an individual encounters, he or she will respond with one emotion or another, or none at all. The sight of a dangerous situation can cause fear, anger, excitement, or no feeling at all. Hearing words of praise or an insult can cause pride, joy, anxiety, anger, or indifference. And, for any given situation, a person can pay more attention either to what is going on in that moment or to his or her own feelings about it. These tendencies are collectively called "temperament." Just like the various body shapes people are born with and that we see on the beach, each person has a temperament that affects how he or she thinks, feels, and acts. In childhood, temperament represents a series of traits that each child has from birth. Most people tend to maintain nearly the same temperament from childhood into adulthood, but they don't have to. Just as exercise, training, and diet influence how our bodies change as we mature, temperament can be influenced as well. Whatever a person's temperament, appropriate parenting, personal insight, and brain training can tweak temperament so that it can more likely lead to a happy and successful life.

### The Spectrum of Egos

The degree to which the primary motivations and emotions are expressed or modified, the amount of attention given to the sense of self or to the tasks at hand, and the degree to which thinking is either rational or irrational all determine how an individual thinks and acts. Anyone who's worked with the public, or who has a large enough family, has met individuals who have one of three general patterns of perception and, therefore, one of three patterns of thinking and behavior. These patterns are not permanent features of personality or character, but a choice made automatic by conditioning and repetition.

The boxes in Figure 6 illustrate these three basic patterns. Though people can temporarily shift, like the gears of a car's transmission, into all the patterns of perception throughout the day or week, they use only one as their primary "gear," which drives their thoughts, feelings, and actions.

The lower box represents the sense of self strongly connected to the basic motivations and emotions. This box is located below the others because this perception is the first to develop. Being practiced and perfected before any others, this perception is also the easiest one to fall into. Individuals perceiving reality through this "gear" are preoccupied by selfish motivations, emotions, and excessive attention of self. They never learned to transform their immature motivations, control their emotions or impulses, or direct their attention away from their own egos. They have egos that need to be exercised and that can be injured and, therefore, need to be protected. They are victims of their childish wants, needs, joys, sorrows, fears, and anger and are easily "disrespected." They personalize every event, seeing every joy as a personal victory and every hardship as a personal attack. They may feel victimized by their environment and may blame others for their own misery or misfortune. They are most exemplified by the characters presented on TV's _The_ _Jerry Springer Show_.

The central vertical box represents the two "selves" that most of us engage: the thoughtful self and the emotional self. The amount of self-control that is exercised determines which direction of perception and action the mind takes. The less self-control a person has, the more perception is directed toward the basic motivations and emotions represented by the lower horizontal box. Conversely, the more self-control a person has, the more perception is directed toward the sophisticated skills of thoughtfulness and reasoning represented by the upper horizontal box.

The central pattern, depicted by the vertical box, represents the thinking of those who have learned a certain degree self-control but, not having learned to universally direct their attention away from their egos, they are still motivated to protect and project their sense of self. If demands are more task-related and less stressful, these individuals can shift their attention away from emotional thinking and self-preoccupation and toward rational thinking. But if the situation is stressful or directs attention to the personal feeling of self, they may automatically shift into emotional thinking and an exaggerated sense of self. At baseline, these individuals still pay attention to their own personal needs, which pulls their attention toward their basic motivations. There is a wide spectrum of presentation for this group, depending on how well their emotions are modified and how well their egocentric drives are restrained by reason - in other words, how well they've developed their self-control. This determines whether they primarily think and act through the "gear" of the lower or upper portion of this pattern, and whether they will experience more or less frequent episodes of emotional upheavals or happiness and equanimity.

The perception represented by the upper box involves rational thinking and a sense of self that is not influenced by emotions or primitive motivations. This box is located above the others because this perception develops later and because it takes training and effort to rise into this pattern. Thanks to biology, appropriate parenting, and personal choice, persons living through this pattern of perception have mastered the ability to practice self-control, modify basic motivations, avoid selfish impulses, think rationally, and direct attention beyond themselves. They remain calm, while those around them may jump to conclusions or react emotionally. They think and act without self-serving motivations and live with joy and compassion and, though they experience emotions, they are not overwhelmed by them.

### Personality and Character

While personality represents the expression of inherited psychological tendencies molded by parenting and life experiences, character is the collection of learned and conditioned mental and social skills.

Physically, the body has a defined type, such as thin, muscular, or somewhere in between. Some people are muscular without ever having spent a day in a gym. But most people must grow their muscles through training, without which they would remain weaker. Training brings out their full potential. Personality is the psychological equivalent of a physical trait. Though personality is dependent on biology, parents can still mold it so that children can realize their best and full potential.

In addition to having physical traits, the body can learn skills, such as dancing, carpentry, playing a musical instrument, sewing, etc. Character is the mental equivalent of these physical skills. Society and life have defined the most valuable mental skills needed to be successful. These skills, these character traits, include respect, responsibility, initiative, backbone, perseverance, honesty, tolerance, citizenship, and fairness. It is the partnership among parents, school, and community that teaches these skills to children.

### Birth Order

Parenting imposes demands on parents' time and energy. Moreover, each new child added to the family increases these demands, so much so that the needs of every child may not be met, or they may not be met equally. Furthermore, the order, number, ages of other children in the family, and their relationships with each other will dictate how a given child will mature. Knowing what challenges exist for children in relation to their birth order, parents can realign their priorities, attitudes, and actions. Thus, parents can prevent a given child from having too much or too little attention or responsibility and plan special time with each child.

#### The Only Child

An only child experiences all the parents' attention all the time. This child has his or her many wants and needs met without too much waiting and without the need to share. Such children may have less empathy or have trouble sharing, compromising, or getting along with others because they have become comfortable having their own expectations met by their parents. Furthermore, the only child may be more self-confident or self-absorbed, having enjoyed so much of his or her parents' attention. On the other hand, if the only child's parents place appropriate expectations for behavior and maturation, this child may be more independent, mature faster, and act more adult than children of a similar age. This is due to both the greater exposure to the parents' lessons and the lack of siblings with whom a child would interact to maintain childish tendencies.

#### The First Child

The first child will be the only child for a while. The characteristics of the first child may be those of an only child if the interval between this and the next child is many years. Thus, the first child may be bossy and may have trouble sharing and compromising. On the other hand, if raised with appropriate expectations and responsibilities, the first child can become nurturing and responsible if he or she is expected to help with the care of a younger sibling. However, if this child is given responsibility _beyond_ his or her maturity or ability, which interferes with other aspects of growing up (including being a child), this child may grow up to become bossy, narcissistic, or resentful.

#### The Second Child

This child lacks the full parental attention given to the first or older child, either because of the time parents need to devote to all family needs or because the novelty of "the new arrival" has worn off. Furthermore, the second child compares his or her own skills or achievements to those of the older sibling. This child will become confident if he or she has supportive parents and a nurturing older sibling. If, however, the second child is often compared to or ridiculed by the older sibling, the second child may become insecure or develop characteristics that are opposite to or exceed those of the older sibling, due to the younger child's drive to compete with the older child.

#### The Youngest Child

The maturity and independence of the older siblings determines the development of the youngest in a family of multiple brothers and sisters. If the youngest child's siblings are still young or immature themselves, the youngest child will probably lack the parental attention enjoyed by the others. Such a child may need to compete for parental attention and work harder to satisfy his or her own wants or needs, thus becoming more energetic and resourceful or more manipulative. However, if the older siblings are mature enough to be given the bulk of chores, the youngest child will likely not be given as much responsibility as the others, so this child may learn to be less responsible and ambitious. On the other hand, if parents can spend time with the youngest child, he or she may enjoy the same characteristics as that of a first child.

#### The Middle Child

This child most likely will have the least amount of parental attention. He or she may be raised by older siblings and given responsibility for younger siblings and will likely learn to accept many compromises. Depending on the relationships with older siblings and the ages of younger siblings, this child may have some of the characteristics of the oldest or youngest child. Thus, he or she may be tolerant, easy going, confident, and resourceful, or may become insecure, feel unloved, or lack ambition.

### Summary

\- Children enter the world driven by basic goals and emotions.

\- Young children are egocentric, unable to understand or control their emotions or think rationally.

\- Birth order affects childhood development depending on the amount of parental support and attention and the amount of responsibility given to the child, as well as the degree to which sibling relationships are loving or hostile, nurturing or uncaring, and cooperative or competitive

#  Chapter 2. The Parent

### Parenting Styles

Parents' attitudes and behaviors may have served them well in adult life before having children. But young children are impressionable, and they watch and imitate what they see and hear, so parents need to adjust their own behaviors when children become part of the family. And parents' interactions with children need to be different from their interactions with other adults, because children are emotional and irrational and don't think as adults do. Parents' own personalities and characteristics inevitably influence the child. Advantageous parental characteristics include patience, flexibility, kindness, persistence, authority, good judgment, and a sense of humor. Destructive parental characteristics include impatience, rigidity, intolerance, tyranny, hostility, spinelessness, apathy, and laziness.

A common classification of personal drives or traits defines two types: Type A (driven) and Type B (easygoing). There is also a common classification of parenting styles defining three types of parents: permissive (lenient, flexible, and warm), authori **tarian** (strict, inflexible, and cold), and authori **tative** (strict, flexible, and warm). Interestingly, the characteristics or style that an individual presents to the world may not be the same characteristics that a person demonstrates as a parent. Parenting poses unique demands and challenges that different adults meet differently. Though there is often overlap between personal characteristics and parenting styles, this may not always be the case.

#### Type A or Strict (Authoritarian) Parent

Type A individuals are usually described as people who push themselves to achieve: ambitious, rigid, impatient, more focused on the result than on the process, and impatient with vagueness. An authoritarian parent gives orders, expecting each to be completely obeyed, and believes that children, like uniform lumps of clay, are molded in precise forms by an unyielding process of verbal commands or punishments. And such a parent is less likely to consider children's feelings or express warm feelings to the child.

Children require patience and flexibility, as they can never be as neat or as punctual as any adult, let alone a Type A adult. Furthermore, children need to grow according to their own timetable of skill development, not according to the expectations of a Type A or strict parent. Additionally, emotions often intrude and affect a child's performance and development, and emotions do not follow expectations or respond to commands. The excessive control of the Type A or strict parent can cause anxiety, excess stubbornness, fear of trying new things, insecurity, inability to think for oneself, and resentment. A sense of humor will go a long way in accepting the relative chaos of a home with a child, and patience and flexibility will help parents adapt to the child's needs, personality, and temperament.

A website article by Gwen Dewar, Ph.D. (see bibliography) presents several studies that describe characteristics found in children of authoritarian parents. These include lower self-esteem, less confidence in social interactions, reduced emotional control, and anxiety. She also discusses some traits of authoritarian parents. These are:

\- More likely to explode in anger at the child

\- More likely to yell when the child misbehaves

\- More likely to punish the child by withdrawing affection

#### Type B or Permissive Parent

Type B individuals are often described as more relaxed about outcomes or achievements, more comfortable with uncertainty, and less focused on structure. A permissive parent is one who is motivated to keep children happy, often allowing many or all inappropriate behaviors to go unchallenged, does not impose rules, gives in to most of the child's demands - often acting as the child's personal servant - and lets children regulate themselves. Such a parent fails to show the authority a child needs to grow beyond the immature drives and preferences of the immature mind.

The absence of rules and routines, or inconsistency in applying them, will prolong or maintain the egocentricity of childhood and confuse the child when he or she enters an environment that demands more maturity, such as school, team sports, and (later) a job. This child risks becoming an adult who is unable to cope with a society that demands adult values and adult behaviors, and who cannot develop the self-control and internal motivation required to tackle life's challenges. Such a child can become an adult who has little ambition, is immature and intolerant, is lacking in self-control, or who is excessively self-involved and feels entitled.

Dr. Gwen Dewar also presents studies on the website that list characteristics found in children of permissive parents. These include increased aggression, low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. And children of permissive parents were found to watch significantly more TV, be less physically active, and more likely be overweight. The author also discusses traits more likely in permissive parents. These are:

\- Let the child get away with not doing chores/school work

\- Ignore the child's bad behavior

\- Bribe the child to get compliance

#### The Respectful Boss (Authoritative Parent)

A respectful boss, or authoritative parent, understands that children require consistent structure (routines), well-defined expectations (rules), and an understanding that there is an authority over them. This is how children learn and accept the rules by which all of us in society are governed. These characteristics also help children learn to apply for themselves the discipline learned from their parents, to have the self-control to overcome the impulsive and selfish tendencies of childhood and, eventually, to succeed in life.

This parent also understands that children need to experience and experiment with the choices they make, within the limits of the rules and routines defined by the parents. These limited freedoms within an area of control should expand as children mature. This is similar to the range of spaces in which children are allowed to play. A very young toddler is never left alone. An older toddler can be left in a room. A preschool child is allowed to roam the house. (But both still need intermittent supervision.) An early school-age child can advance to the yard but can't cross the street, while the older school-age child is allowed access within the neighborhood. Thus, the insightful parent will, first, be the authority to define strict expectations within which children are allowed to experiment with limited choices. Then, as children mature with the skills of self-control and rational thinking, they are gradually given more opportunities to experience, explore, and to make more choices. All the while, they are given the chance to experience positive consequences for their appropriate choices and negative consequences for their poor choices.

Under the guidance of such a parent, children become self-controlled, confident, ambitious, responsible, and able to make decisions while also learning from them. They will be neither self-absorbed nor fearful. They will direct their attention to their experiences and the needs of others rather than to their own egocentric or selfish wants.

Dr. Gwen Dewar's writings also included studies of children of balanced or authoritative parents. These children were less likely to have behavior problems and abuse alcohol. They were also found to be more resilient problem solvers, more self-reliant, and were more likely to be described as kind, helpful, and popular. Additionally, the author discusses traits more common in authoritative parents. These include:

\- Take the child's wishes and feelings into consideration

\- Encourage the child to talk about feelings

\- Help the child when scared or upset

\- Provide reasons for expectations

\- Respect the child's opinion and encourage expressing them even if not agreed with

### Personal Skin

A parent must have or develop a thick skin so as not to take personally the hurtful things children may say. Children are not naturally endowed with empathy, and later, when they do start understanding the feelings of others, parents are not priority targets for their compassion, especially when children are overpowered by their own emotions. Thus, children are likely to say hurtful things. It's important to deal with the context (situation) so that they learn alternate responses, and it is also important to deal with the content (words) so children are aware of the significance of what they say; but don't respond emotionally to the episode. If you (or your child) are too emotional to have a "teachable moment," giving yourself or the child a time-out will separate you, your child, and the stimulus that started the behavior and allow a calmer atmosphere to return. It's perfectly all right to say, "I'm too upset to discuss this now, but we will return to this topic later today." Appropriate lessons can only be taught when both parent and child are thinking calmly. Remember, you must return to the topic or you will teach your child that your warnings or notices are meaningless.

### The Dark Side

Parenting is a difficult job and more often than not, it's done after already putting in a full day at work. Parenting the very young is often associated with sleep deprivation, while parenting older children can be associated with emotional turmoil, competing needs, and stressors related to having too little time or money or too many demands. And at all ages, there are difficult situations that have never been encountered before, requiring difficult judgments to be made and actions to be taken without prior experience or knowledge. Often, there is only a moment available for thought or analysis. Additionally, parents must undo the influences of their children's peripheral caregivers: grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. These relatives may have significant influence over the child, yet they may not feel obligated to do the hard work of parenting. And there are coincidental influences: neighbors, schoolmates, TV, Internet, or movie characters, which all have no interest in your child's maturity. Thus, relatives and other influences may encourage the very attitudes and behaviors parents are working to prevent or change.

As a consequence of increased demands, a parent can lapse into states that lead to anger or to one or more twisted mindsets called "defense mechanisms." An insightful or forewarned parent is less likely to fall prey to this primitive "dark side," but the stresses of parenting, a job, and other circumstances may cause any parent to slip. Thus, each parent should be aware of the dark side and be vigilant for its emergence. Once the dark side has been recognized, the parent can make a deliberate effort to return to "the light."

#### Anger

Anger results when children challenge parental authority, when they fail to show the respect their parents want, or when parents are overcome with frustration. When anger replaces reason as the parents' primary thinking pattern, parental action will most likely be irrational, undesirable, and inappropriate. Furthermore, the parents' angry responses will model the same emotion and behavior for their children's future responses, while also drowning out any lessons to be learned from the parents' emotionally delivered message.

Learn to recognize signs of your impending anger or frustration. Examples are sweating, tremors, stuttering, raising or trembling voice, hair standing up, heart racing, and scattered thoughts. Next, decide ahead of time what you will do when these signs occur. Here are a few options:

\- Tell yourself not to take things personally.

\- Delay the confrontation by telling the child that in so many minutes the issue will be discussed or a consequence will be decided.

\- Leave the room, saying, "I'm giving myself a minute alone; then we will discuss this."

\- Count to ten (or backwards from 100).

\- Consider what the mythical "perfect parent" would do.

#### Denial

This is the refusal to accept or recognize a fact or reality due to its potentially painful implications, or to avoid dealing with a painful or unpleasant emotion or situation. Examples include denial about a child's illness or negative behavior or an adult's inappropriate behavior.

#### Displacement

This is the inappropriate directing of one's feelings onto an innocent bystander due to the inability to express those feelings to the true target of the emotions. This is due to inner resistance or the potential for negative consequences if feelings were focused on the true target. Examples include expressing anger at family members due to abuse by an employer and expressing intolerance toward the child when frustrated with a spouse, or vice versa.

#### Projection

This is the mistaken feeling that another individual has thoughts or feelings when they are really one's own. This may occur when the person having those thoughts or feelings considers them objectionable or having a negative effect on that person's own self-worth; or, her or she may think that those feeling would not being returned in kind if directed toward others. For example, a child perceives that someone likes him or her when, in fact, it is the child who has the infatuation; or one parent perceives their spouse as being angry with him or her when, in reality, it is the other way around.

#### Reaction Formation

This refers to displaying the emotion that is opposite to the one actually felt. It occurs when the actual emotion is considered too inappropriate or painful to express. An example is being overly friendly with the child's teacher, while really having negative feelings toward him or her.

#### Rationalization

This involves avoiding dealing with negative thoughts or feelings by intellectually explaining away the context in which the feeling originated. An example is considering a child's inappropriate behavior as a medical condition rather than a parenting issue.

### Avoiding Stress

Rearrange your priorities at work and in the family so that time constraints don't prevent you from being the parent you want to be. Practice being aware of your own emotions and those of your child. Take steps to cool down if you feel overcome with anger or frustration before interacting with your child or spouse. Take a break for recreation. Schedule a fun activity for your family at least weekly, such as a board game, treasure hunt, a day playing in the park, or another activity involving the whole family. It's a good idea to keep a rough schedule for family fun times. A routine for fun allows children to look forward to a scheduled event when working through the tedium of their chores and schoolwork.

Jobs often fragment family time and can pull parents away from their children, so every effort should be made to find a balance. As one European acquaintance said to me, "Americans live to work, while we work to live." Thus, find a way to work to live so that you can live more fully.

Finally, being a parent does not mean giving up on your own adult rest, recreation, and growth. With this in mind, make an effort to have time to yourself doing what you like to do, that which lights your own inner fire.

### Summary

\- Learn what kind of person you are most like - _strict/Type A_ or _permissive/Type B_ \- and make the necessary adjustments in your attitude, behavior, and expectations to become the _respectful boss/authoritative_ parent in order to flow with and meet the needs of your child.

\- Have a backbone and be an authority figure for your kids.

\- Be consistent and persistent in applying rules and routines; repetition is the key to learning.

\- Be flexible enough to allow children to grow according to their own timetable.

\- Have a sense of humor.

\- Don't take the hurtful things children say personally; develop a thicker skin.

\- Be vigilant for the dark side:

= Anger

= Denial

= Displacement

= Projection

= Reaction formation

= Rationalization

\- Practice stress-relieving strategies.

#  Chapter 3. Parenting

###  Stages of Learning

Teachers and other professionals caring for children have specific terms for the different stages of childhood: _infancy_ refers to the children under one year old, _toddler_ refers to ages one to three, _preschool_ refers to ages four to five, _school age_ refers to ages six to twelve, _young teen_ refers to ages twelve to fourteen, _older teenager_ refers to ages fifteen to seventeen, and _young adult_ refers to ages eighteen to twenty-one. The various stages are characterized by key physical and mental milestones. These stages are significant, because they indicate when a child is ready to learn the various skills of adult thinking and behavior

One of the early milestones in toddlerhood is the development of a distinct sense of self, "me," the ego. This occurs in toddlerhood, between twenty and twenty-four months, and marks the beginning of the child's egocentric perspective. These children have learned enough about life and about their own "selves" to start an ever-growing list of likes and dislikes, but they have not yet developed the capacity for self-control. The toddler wants what he or she wants when he or she wants it, and unrestrained emotion results if these wants are not met. Furthermore, the toddler lacks the ability to think rationally; therefore, much of reality for this child is perceived as magical. Toddlers believe most of what they hear and have little understanding of time or the relationship between cause and effect.

At about age three years, the child develops the capacity to learn self-control. Though the child at this age continues the egocentric and irrational thinking of the toddler, he or she is now ready to learn the process of restraining emotions and motivations.

At about five years of age, young school-age children are able to start looking beyond the self; in other words, they are able to be less egocentric. While these children continue to practice the self-control started in the previous stage, they can now pay less attention to their own wants and are more able to think about others and to have more empathy. However, these young school-age children have not yet developed the capacity for rational thought, so they continue to think magically.

The final milestone in childhood is the development of rational thinking at age seven to eight. Having gained the capacity for self-control and reduced egocentricity, children now add rational thinking to their list of capabilities. These older school-age children are able to separate fact from fantasy. Children in this age group can start to reason through problems and understand more of reality and the more complex relationships of cause and effect.

Teenagers go through similar milestones related to self-control, egocentricity, and rational thinking. But, in contrast to their sequential development in childhood, teenagers exhibit them chaotically for years. The relative chaos of the teenage years is due to the simultaneous occurrence of several changes. Their bodies are physically changing; sex hormones are secreted at higher levels; their minds are being remodeled and unused circuits are being eliminated; and their place in the family and society is being redefined with different expectations and responsibilities. Adolescence will be discussed in Chapters 12 and 13.

### Teaching the Child

From the previous sections, it's clear that children are not little adults who simply lack the right information to have the right attitudes, to make the right choices, or to behave the right way. Their _initial_ attitudes, choices, and behaviors are largely a process of their immature mental development, but they are modifiable through the lessons they receive and the experiences they have over many years. Yes, children are inquisitive, creative, loving, joyful, and full of life, but they are also impulsive, emotional, self-centered, irrational, and lacking in self-control. Understanding this can make it easier for adults to cope with their children's behaviors, as well as to create the environment and interactions that will encourage children to mature.

The following paragraphs describe the essence of teaching children, molding personality, and developing character. Each, however, is discussed in detail in the chapters that follow.

Being told where to put your feet is not enough to become a dancer. You must practice, over and over, so that the various steps and body movements eventually flow together at the appropriate time without much forethought. Similarly, learning self-control, awareness beyond the ego, emotional fluency, rational thinking, and appropriate behaviors is not the consequence of simply accumulating facts. You cannot tell children how to act and expect them to comply; nor can you tell children what is right or wrong, or good or bad, and expect their attitudes and behaviors to change. As previously mentioned, children's attitudes and behaviors are a consequence of their primary drives related to pleasure, pain, and survival, which, through conditioning, grow to become the complex wants, needs, likes, and dislikes of the older child and adult. Thus, teaching children involves redefining what is desirable and undesirable through a process of practice and repetition.

Parenting children involves using the process of conditioning to steer these fundamental drives into appropriate attitudes and behaviors. Conditioning means providing children with positive or negative consequences for their choices and behaviors. A behavior is likely to be continued if it is followed by an agreeable result. And it is more likely to be avoided or stopped if it did not bring the desired result or if it was followed by a disagreeable consequence. For example, being polite or respectful will continue if it's followed by parental recognition. Similarly, screaming or yelling will continue if the parent gives in to pacify the child's tantrum. Nagging in stores will stop if the child is ignored or experiences a time-out for doing so, but it will be repeated if the child is given the object of his or her demands. Children tend to ignore verbal cues or simple warnings; they pay more attention to experiences such as do-overs, time-outs, and positive and negative consequences. This repetitive conditioning gradually rewrites the brain's programming to eventually form new patterns of thinking and behavior that replace earlier, more immature patterns. These will then become the new automatic motivations and actions of a mature individual, in other words, his or her character.

Children want to grow up, and they have the desire to imitate those they respect and love. Thus, observation is an important tool for children in the process of understanding and learning. It's often more effective to display, rather than say, what you want from your children. So, **be the person you want your children to grow up to be**.

When talking to your children about your expectations and their behaviors, be sure to optimize the experience. Remove distractions (turn off TV or radios, remove toys from their hands). Consider getting down to their level, which lets them look at you eye to eye. Consider asking your children to look at you ("Look at my eyes") to get their full attention. After you get your children's attention, say what you want to say clearly, without distracting emotions or lecturing. If discussing an undesirable behavior, describe it concretely, then describe the desired alternative and the reason. For example, "I need you to not to reach for things while we shop" or "Keep your hands away from the things on the shelves" and "Then I won't have to put them back and shopping will go faster, and we may have time to do something fun."

This does not suggest that you should always have to be soft and sweet when responding to your child's inappropriate behavior. Firmness, with a hint of anger if needed, will communicate the seriousness of your message and your resolve. It's important to never act like a pushover or be weak, spineless, or indecisive in front of your children; they will sense your weakness and ignore or take advantage of you. Nor should you act like a bully or be threatening or aggressive toward your children; you want your children to trust and respect you, not fear you. They may fear a punishment, but they should not fear you. (Behavior modification is discussed in detail in Chapter 5.)

Parenting children needs to include teaching emotional fluency to make children recognize, accept, and learn appropriate feelings and responses. Emotional fluency is the skill of keeping emotions appropriate, in both intensity and type, for all the situations that life creates. Emotional fluency is taught by an adult modeling appropriate emotions and taking the time to talk through an emotional episode with the child. Often, teaching emotional fluency can simply involve listening to the child. As previously mentioned, the brain can think either emotionally or rationally, but not both at the same time. Talking through an emotion shifts the mind's thinking pattern out of the emotional state and into a more rational one, thus helping to change the character of an emotion, its trigger, and its expression into a more wholesome and less invasive pattern. With practice, the more mature pattern of thinking will automatically replace the earlier, immature pattern. (Emotional fluency is discussed in detail in Chapter 4.)

Direct experience, observation, and communication repeated throughout childhood will ensure that lessons will be learned. As with learning a dance, repetition and practice are the keys to making the steps automatic.

### Parenting Goals

As suggested previously, human mental development is such that if left alone, a child is likely to be self-centered, selfish, emotional, irrational, and lacking in self-control. Parenting involves turning these tendencies around so that the child becomes an adult who is mature and well adjusted with the skills to overcome life's challenges. Raising a child is not simply "being there" while the child grows up.

Yes, there are children who are not strong willed, who do not challenge authority, who follow directions, who are not overly egocentric, and whose emotions are easily regulated. In these cases, much of this book may not be necessary, but the parents of these "easy children" still have work to do. Children with greater gifts need greater challenges to prevent arrogance, boredom, or even insecurity. If children are not challenged in childhood, they may become fearful or insecure when true challenges occur in adolescence or adulthood. Yet, inappropriately high expectations can exhaust their enthusiasm and creativity. A balance needs to be found.

The characteristics we want to encourage in childhood are the same ones we value in adulthood:

\- Confidence without arrogance or narcissism

\- Kindness without naiveté

\- Curiosity without obsession

\- Perseverance without hardheadedness

\- Ambition without thoughtlessness or materialism

\- Spontaneity without impulsivity

\- Flexibility without spinelessness

\- Self-control without rigidity

Others are honesty, a sense of humor, empathy, responsibility, and the ability to cope with adversity and pain. Many of these come naturally as part of childhood and need only to be encouraged. (Self-control is discussed in detail in Chapter 9; teaching values is discussed in detail in Chapter 10.)

### Parenting Misconceptions

There are actions that parents take with the best of intentions that lead children to greater egocentricity or inappropriate attitudes and behaviors rather than toward greater maturity.

Raising children with the goal of keeping them happy and free of discontent or discomfort will produce adults who are precisely the opposite, since these superficial goals deprive children of learning the skills needed to accept or overcome life's annoyances and irritations. Additionally, keeping children happy by maintaining their own immature priorities causes those same immature priorities to continue into adulthood. Such adults will likely be intolerant, selfish, superficial, and lacking self-control and motivation, and will probably blame others for their own failures. Children are magical and charming, but they prefer immediate rather than delayed rewards. They are motivated to act impulsively to seek whatever pleasure and avoid whatever displeasure they have defined for the moment rather than consider long-term goals or situational needs. **Children's happiness should be the consequence of learning skills to cope with and overcome life's challenges, not the result of avoiding them**.

Children shielded from all pain, or who are given the message that every pain or discomfort requires an outside intervention, are deprived of the opportunity to learn about and cope with discomfort or pain. As adults, such individuals are intolerant of even the smallest discomforts and will perceive such experiences as personal suffering, further directing attention to their perceived suffering. Additionally, such adults will perceive every annoyance or minor pain as something that needs to be fixed; and if unfixable, it will serve as a distraction that prevents these adults from enjoying their lives.

A child deprived of responsibility will become an adult who will feel entitled, expecting or manipulating others to do his or her work and will be reluctant to take responsibility for his or her own life or decisions. Such an adult will view work as a burden rather than simply another aspect of life. Since work is an unavoidable fact of life, such an adult will often be unhappy, if not irresponsible, manipulative, lazy, or lacking in ambition.

A child deprived of rules or consequences for misdeeds will be an adult who lacks self-control, who is unable to plan ahead, or who acts in socially inappropriate ways. Such an adult will not learn that all acts have consequences and will fail to consider consequences before making choices. He or she will repeatedly make inappropriate decisions and fail to learn from mistakes.

A parent who wants to be the child's friend will fail to gain the child's respect and trust—characteristics needed for the child to accept parental authority and guidance.

Children are learning about themselves just as much as they are learning about their world. Thus, care must be taken in how one talks to a child so as not to send self-perceptions high into the clouds or down into the gutter. Children who are repeatedly or excessively praised, or who are gifted but remain unchallenged so that everything comes too easily, can develop into narcissistic, arrogant, over-confident, superficial, or self-absorbed adults. These adults consider their own needs as paramount; they find it difficult to see another point of view. They may undervalue others or may consider alternative perspectives as potential threats to their own self-worth.

On the other hand, telling children about a deficit or weakness, real or not, will realize a self-fulfilling prophecy, giving them permission to demonstrate that weakness. If the deficit or weakness is real, this kind of parenting will encourage children to give up trying to overcome the challenge. If not real, children will manufacture the nonexistent deficit or weakness they are being taught to believe in. Furthermore, dwelling on a deficit, real or not, creates a self-image that includes this deficit, which devalues the child's own worth as an individual. When such children become adults, they will live each day from the perspective of victims; they will consider failure as the expected outcome, have little ambition, and look to others to solve their problems for them. Alternatively, they will continually struggle to escape the psychological label with which they have been branded, an inner voice that shackles their efforts.

For example, if children complain about irritation from the tags in their clothes, simply cut the tags out **and declare the problem solved** (such a declaration creates a new reality for children to accept) rather than dwell on the sensitive nature of their skin. If children are doing poorly in school, help them learn rather than brand them as unintelligent or unmotivated. If children complain of various physical ailments that do **not** interfere with their fun activities, ignore the complaints, or take them to the doctor for a thorough exam once, rather than label them as sickly or weak or needing your continued consolation, help, and rescuing. Your words and actions, whatever they may be, will create the reality your children will accept and respond to.

Mothers tend to be nurturing and, in the process, may be more permissive than they should be. Thus, mothers should understand that, for the most part, behaviors not acceptable for an adult are likely inappropriate for a child as well. The child's lack of knowledge or experience is not an excuse, but rather an opportunity to teach appropriate behavior. And mothers should avoid rescuing their children from life's challenges, which can be opportunities for children to learn and grow.

Fathers tend to be problem solvers. Often, however, there is no problem to be solved; rather, there is an interaction and a relationship to be built. And fathers need to remember that parenting is not about winning a confrontation; it is about pointing out options and teaching skills related to attitude and behavior. Fathers should be wary of the urge to produce a quick fix. Sometimes a hug or sitting and listening is what children need. And fathers need to restrain themselves from solving their children's problems or puzzles so as not to deprive them of the joy of discovering a solution, as well as their own abilities, potential, and confidence.

### The Parenting Process

From one standpoint, raising children is similar to erecting a building without knowing the building materials to be used. Some materials are soft and giving; others are hard and resistant. Some resist pulling but give in to gentle nudges; still others are the reverse.

When our lives are graced with the child's entry into the world, we as parents have no idea who this new individual is or how to respond to him or her. Parenting often occurs without any previous experience, so we must parent our children as we ourselves learn how to parent. Furthermore, as the child develops, his or her needs change, so parents must adapt to meet the new needs of the maturing child. We must grow to meet the challenges of parenting just as our children grow under our guidance. Hopefully, this book will provide guidance as to how to approach the common challenges of parenting.

The parent is the first and primary teacher for every child. Unlike the teaching done in school from lectures and books, the primary teaching tool for parents is their own behavior. No matter how disinterested the child seems, or how hostile the teenager appears, children primarily learn their attitudes, behaviors, and values from those they observe in their parents. Though it may not always be immediately evident that children are learning, you can be sure they are watching, and whether they admit it or not, they are absorbing what they are seeing.

From the moment the infant can sense the environment and continuing well into adolescence, the parent is on stage and under the spotlight of the child's attention, which looks for clues to the complex world of right and wrong, self-gratification and self-control, a whole list of values, as well as clues to the question of "Who am I?" With this in mind, parents should be conscious of what they say, what they do, and how they react to their children. The best way to summarize what parents should do is to say, "Be the person you want your child to grow up to be."

### Summary

\- Children's ages determine when they have the capacity to learn the various skills of maturation.

\- Children first learn from what they observe in their parents

\- Children learn more by seeing, doing, and experiencing consequences (pleasant and unpleasant) rather than by listening to simple directions or lectures.

\- Emotions become more mature when they are processed rationally.

\- When talking to children, first get their undivided attention.

\- Be firm and decisive, not weak, emotional, or fearsome

\- Parenting goals are to teach the skills of a happy and successful adult.

\- Avoid the misconceptions of parenting.

\- Be the person you want your children to grow up to be.

\- Repetition is the key to learning.

#  Chapter 4. Emotional Fluency
### Introduction

As mentioned previously, emotions are powerful signals or alarms that motivate us to act one way or another. They are fundamental mental reactions, triggered automatically with little or no thought. The brain's design is such that activity in its emotional centers interferes with activity in its centers for rational thinking; conversely, activity in the brain's centers for rational thinking reduces activity in its emotional centers. Thus, the strong emotions of anger, fear, and sadness interfere with careful analysis and planning. By interfering with rational thinking, emotions can distort our perceptions of events and our perceptions of ourselves. But emotional energy can start to fade if the brain can be forced to activate its circuits for rational thinking. This is the reason for counting or doing multiplication problems to calm down when upset.

In a physically safe environment, negative emotions (envy, jealousy, hate, guilt, etc.) can obstruct the process of personal maturation and the formation of healthy relationships. Besides affecting us in the present, emotions can produce persistent echoes that interfere with thoughts, perceptions, motivations, and actions long after the stimulus that produced them has gone. This means the emotional response is prolonged or intensified in the current episode, or it hides (in the subconscious) to erupt later when least expected.

One cannot help children mature without considering their emotions. As mentioned previously, children come into this world unprepared for all the stimuli they are about to experience. Yet, they come with a set of emotions that are ready to be triggered without a moment's notice. It is the parents' job to teach children how to tame their emotions to become healthy, happy, and successful adults.

Emotional fluency is the process of examining our emotions, their triggers, and how we express them. This results in the regulation and remolding of our emotions and our responses. Children who learn emotional fluency feel more emotionally stable and, as a consequence, are better able to engage their thinking minds without the interference of unnecessary or overly intense emotions. J. Gottman writes in his book _Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child_ , children raised to be "emotionally intelligent" are calmer, more objective and self-confident, and are better able to learn values and solve problems. Additionally, they have healthier and happier relationships. When parents teach their children emotional fluency, their families enjoy more mutual respect, appreciation, and cooperation.

Emotional fluency involves understanding emotional triggers and learning appropriate ways to express emotions. Young children are as inexperienced with emotions as they are with all other aspects of life. They cannot understand, cope with, or express emotions in a mature way. Moreover, because emotions interfere with the rational thinking that helps in learning emotional fluency, the inability to cope with emotions can make learning emotional fluency harder in adulthood if it has not been mastered in childhood. Learning emotional fluency helps to lower the intensity and invasiveness of emotions and prevents the formation of emotional echoes. These echoes are, in reality, emotional circuits that activate long after the conscious event has passed. They result from unresolved or unexpressed emotional energy. These emotional echoes continue under a person's radar to return hours, days, or even years later, intruding into a person's thoughts, perceptions, motivations, or actions like unwelcome party crashers.

Parents need to be prepared to start the process of teaching emotional fluency. This means being prepared to **notice** that an emotional behavior is going on and needs to be processed. This involves keeping your eyes and ears open and your emotion-sensing radar turned on. This also means being prepared to **remain calm** so you can keep your rationally thinking mind in gear. And this means being prepared to **have empathy** \- in other words, to remember what it was like to be a child. Finally, it means **understanding the language of emotions**. If you have trouble noticing and identifying the emotions of others, consider practicing this by mentally labeling or writing down the emotions of all the people you meet throughout the day, as well as your own. (A list of feeling words is located in the appendix.) In summary:

\- Prepare to notice

\- Remain calm

\- Have empathy

\- Understand the language of emotions

### Teaching Emotional Fluency

There are three stages in the process of teaching emotional fluency: **naming, normalizing, and negotiating**. The goal is not necessarily to solve the problem or the issue that triggered the emotion but rather to process (discuss) the emotional response rationally. Engaging the rational mind for the current emotional event will encourage its participation in future events. And as previously mentioned, engaging the rational mind defuses the emotional one.

While in the throes of their emotions, some children may be unable to think well enough to start the process of emotional fluency. In this situation, an offering of a small treat or changing the location may be enough of a distraction from their intense feelings that children can start talking about them. Examples include, offering a bowl of ice cream or chips, and going for a drive or a walk. And activities such as cleaning the dishes or straightening a room together can foster more talking and sharing of feelings.

#### Naming

This means just that: **putting a word to the emotion you see** your child exhibit. Naming puts labels on emotional experiences so that you and your child share a common vocabulary when referring to these experiences. Furthermore, naming an emotion activates the rationally thinking mind. Thus, naming an emotion starts to reduce one's emotional energy.

In place of a simple statement, you can put your words in the form of a question. You can also include naming the triggering event. In the process of naming the emotion you see in your child, you can also include naming the emotion you yourself feel. This shares the process of emotional fluency with your child. If you are not sure what the emotion is, you can simply use the term "upset" to show your child that you noticed his or her distress. Finally, you can simply offer to listen without initially naming the emotion directly. Here are examples of these different forms of naming:

\- "You look frustrated."

\- "You sound angry."

\- "I wonder if you're disappointed."

\- "Could you be sad?"

\- "You look disappointed about not being able to go to your friend's house."

\- "I'm disappointed to see you are jealous about your sister's success."

\- "I wonder if you're upset."

\- "Would you like to talk?"

\- "I wonder if you need a friend right now."

\- "I'm ready to listen if you want to talk."

Don't name the emotion if you're not sure. It's all right to say what you see—that your child is upset and that you're not sure by what. "Being upset" is a good term to use, as it applies to many emotions. And it's all right to put this in the form of a question or uncertainty, "I'm not sure, but are you upset about something?" Be honest with your child about your own limitations. Furthermore, don't name the emotion you expect to see or that you think will follow an event or situation. This only serves to label the child rather than the emotion. Moreover, naming an emotion you expect but that is not actually occurring may likely cause it to happen. This is especially true with impressionable younger children. For example, saying, "We're going into a dark theater, but you don't have to be scared" will likely produce a fear the child was not yet experiencing (and which your child may not have otherwise experienced). In older children, naming an emotion you anticipate will signal that the emotion is likely a normal one to experience for the current setting, and children may go on to display it in the present or future. Thus, **name only what you see going on** now.

Adolescents, by nature, reject and rebel against being labeled or defined by their parents. For this reason, use a question rather than a statement when naming your teenager's emotions. Examples are "Are you upset about not making the team?" and "Are you sad about not being asked to the party?" Since teenagers are less threatened when parents admit to their own limitations, you can name your teen's emotion by admitting to your own uncertainty: "I'm wondering if you're angry about something" or "I'm not sure, but do you feel left out?"

#### Normalizing

**Normalizing suggests the emotion is understandable**. This informs children that what they are experiencing is neither uncommon, mysterious, nor bizarre. The intensity of their own negative emotions can make children feel like victims, further increasing the perceived intensity of their emotions. Normalizing the experience lessens this intensity and allows children to continue the process of reducing their emotional energy. Examples of normalizing statements are:

\- "It's normal to feel that way."

\- "Boy, that would certainly make me angry."

\- "I can understand how that makes you feel frustrated."

\- "I can remember feeling the same way when I was your age."

Though an emotion can be described as "normal"—in other words, not uncommon, mysterious, or bizarre—this does not always suggest an emotion is appropriate or acceptable. For example, while we understand a child's envy over seeing someone else's success rather than his or her own, we also understand that it would be more appropriate to feel happy for the other child. This redirection of perspective, or revaluation, is done in the third stage, negotiating, which will be discussed shortly.

Because adolescents often feel their experiences are unique, you need to be careful when comparing your own adolescent experiences to those of your teenagers. The relationship you have with your teens and the degree to which they are self-conscious will dictate how well they respond to comparisons of their experiences to your past experiences. When in doubt, you can say how the experience would make you feel, or you can simply say that their emotion is normal or understandable. Examples are:

\- "It's perfectly normal to be anxious before a performance."

\- "I would be angry too if that happened to me."

\- "It's understandable to be sad when you don't get the reward you thought you deserved."

Normalizing can also be done by comparing the current situation to a less emotional experience in the child's own past. For example, when a child is already experiencing fear while entering a dark movie theater for the first time, the parent could say, "It looks like you're scared. I understand that, but it's just like your bedroom with the lights out; but now you can stay up and watch the movie."

A hug is another way of normalizing emotions. It suggests you recognize how your child feels and that you understand and accept his or her emotions.

#### Negotiating

One definition of the term "negotiate" is to bargain or strike a deal, but another definition is to **analyze and discuss to bring about a settlement or conclusion**. This second meaning is the one intended here for the term "negotiating." This involves several steps, but not every situation calls for all of the steps to be taken. These steps are:

\- Listen to the child

\- Assess the trigger

\- Assess the emotion

\- Assess the response

**The first step in negotiating is listening**. When your child is upset, sit down and listen. This allows your child to put into words what is going on in his or her head. The process of verbalizing the emotion and describing the situation that triggered it, as well as the thoughts associated with it, helps engage the rational mind. Furthermore, expressing the emotion prevents the formation of emotional echoes. Allowing emotional expression does not mean sitting back and watching as your child screams, kicks, throws things, or is disrespectful or abusive. Encourage the distraught child to verbalize by compassionately (or firmly) saying, "Use words so I can understand." Additionally, it's equally appropriate, in situations where your child's behavior is inappropriate, to use the behavioral modification techniques that are discussed in the following chapter. For example, "I see that you are angry, but we don't throw things when we're angry, so take a five minute time out;" or "I see that you are angry, but we don't throw things when we're angry, so pick that up and put it where it belongs, then give yourself a timeout and come out when you are calm."

**The second step in negotiating involves assessing the trigger**. This can be done by asking a series of questions. These questions are not intended for you to solve your children's problems. They are for you to ask your children, in one form or another, to help them solve their own problems. These are:

\- What is the perceived trigger?

\- Is it real or was it improperly perceived?

\- Could the trigger mean something else?

Emotional triggers are not always what they seem to be. The automatic nature of emotions means that they engage before the thinking brain does. Perhaps the trigger was something else or was mistaken as a trigger. For example, perhaps a child wasn't invited to a friend's a party because of an illness in the family, or an invitation was sent but was lost. Ask your child about other explanations for the trigger.

**The third step is assessing the emotion**. For a given emotional trigger, is the emotion appropriate? Not every emotion is acceptable. Some emotions only serve a selfish need. Jealousy for someone else's success is understandable but not appropriate. Ask your child what alternate feelings he or she could experience in the situation; could your child look at it differently and feel differently about it? Explain, for example, that he or she could feel sad about being overlooked, or happy for someone else's success.

**The fourth and last step is assessing the response**. This is the physical expression of the emotion. Some responses are understandable, such as crying because of sadness and doing a physical exercise to release anger. However, other actions, such as hitting, kicking, being destructive or hurtful, either verbally or physically, are not appropriate. The differences between acceptable and unacceptable expressions of emotions need to be taught. Ask your children how else they could release their feelings or what else they could say that wouldn't hurt someone's feelings. Alternatively, you can tell the older child, "That's understandable, but you need to find a way to express your feelings without being hurtful."

Compared to naming and normalizing, negotiating is the most difficult stage of teaching emotional fluency. It requires considerable time, thought, and analysis - a therapist's mindset. Asking your children short questions about the elements of their experience (the trigger, their emotion, and their response) **without trying to solve the problem** can help them do their own negotiating and problem solving. Be optimistic, though, that even without the negotiating skills of a therapist, you can help your children start to understand their emotions just by naming and normalizing them, then simply advising, "Consider looking at the situation from a different perspective."

Here a few scenarios to exemplify the process between parent (P) and child (C).

Assessing the trigger:

C: Crying on her bed.

P: "I see you're sad."

C: "Jane didn't invite me to her party."

P: "That would make me sad too. You didn't get invited?"

C: "No, all my friends got an invitation and not me."

P: "Do you know for sure that Jane didn't want you there?"

C: "Naturally, because I didn't get an invitation."

P: "Could there be other reasons you didn't get an invitation?"

C: "No."

P: "Come on, use your imagination; what are all the things that could cause an invitation not to get to you?"

C: "She didn't want me there, she forgot, it got lost . . ."

P: "Okay, so what's the best way of finding out which one of these actually happened?"

C: "Talking to Jane?"

P: "You're so smart.

Assessing the emotion:

C: _Enters the house unhappy._

P: "It looks like you're upset about something."

C: "Coach made Billy the team captain and not me."

P: "I can see how that might make you angry."

C: "Yeah, I deserve to be the captain as much as anyone."

P: "You're angry because someone else got something you wanted. Can you look at the situation differently, though?"

C: "What do you mean?"

P: "Is Billy your friend?"

C: "Yeah."

P: "If you didn't lose anything and Billy's your friend, couldn't you be happy for him instead?"

C: "Maybe."

P: "You're so smart."

Assessing the emotional response:

C: _Kicking the furniture._

P: "You look angry, but we don't kick things, ever."

C: "Joan won't share her doll with me."

P: "Yes, that would make me angry too."

C: "Yeah, she used to be my friend."

P: "Well, kicking the furniture won't change that. What if you talked to Joan?"

C: "I don't want to."

P: "If you're not going to try to help yourself, you have to think up ways to feel angry without hurting things or people."

Not everyone has the conversational abilities of a therapist, but here are some hints that may help you if you are at a loss for what to say next.

\- Repeat one of the last phrases your child said, as a question or a statement. For example after hearing "I didn't get invited"...

= "You didn't get invited?"

= "So, you didn't get invited."

\- Pose simple, open-ended questions:

= "What to do next?"

= "Can you live with this situation?"

\- Pose the three questions that relate to most situations:

= "What do you want?"

= "How realistic is that?"

= "How can you achieve that?"

\- Use a simple space filler that signals that you've listened and are ready to hear more:

= "Hmm."

= "I see."

**The following three questions can be used in negotiating emotions in most situations; and they demonstrate that it is up to your child to figure out the answer to his or her own emotional dilemma**.

\- "What do you want?"

\- "How realistic is that?"

\- "How can you achieve that?"

Your job as a parent is to point out that your children's emotions are a signal that they are at an intersection of choices. Then **, it is up to them to recognize this and choose their own course of action**. You can certainly aid the process by asking questions that help them to discover and choose what course is preferable, but it's their decision, not yours. **Do not impose your own logical solution upon their emotional problem**. Whatever they choose, they must live with the consequences.

Negotiating does not have to be as long or complex as the above examples. It can also be a short instruction and a consequence after you've named the emotion: "I see you're angry, but it's not okay to be disrespectful; go to your room and return when you're ready to talk calmly and respectfully."

###  Comments

Young children can be introduced to emotions, their associated facial expressions, behaviors, and appropriate ways to express them by looking at magazine pictures. Flip through the pages of a magazine with your child. When you see a photo of a person, ask your child what he or she thinks that person is feeling. Follow up by asking your child to make a face expressing the same feeling, and then ask what would be a good way and a bad way of showing that emotion and why.

The process of teaching emotional fluency requires that children be willing to take part. If your children don't want to participate with you when you start the process of naming and normalizing, don't push it. However, you can suggest a later time or say that you're open to discussing their feelings when they are ready: "We can talk about this later if you want," "I'm available whenever you feel you're ready to talk," and "I'm ready to listen whenever you're ready to talk about this."

Throughout the process of teaching emotional fluency, be specific about the details of the situation at hand rather than generalize. Discuss what actually happened rather than a possible or hypothetical situation. You can, however, pose questions relevant to the actual situation that present theoretical actions and outcomes for the children to consider for themselves if they are mature enough.

As you can imagine, the process of naming, normalizing, and negotiating requires time, along with calm and sober thinking on your part. Don't rush through the process, shorten the process into a single off-hand remark, or squeeze the process in between other commitments. And you need to be calm, rested, and thinking clearly to be able to initiate the negotiating stage. If there is not enough time, or if you're not calm and clearheaded, don't start the process.

Emotional fluency is about teaching a certain language and acquiring a skill. Thus, as in other teaching situations, don't criticize, insult, shame, or embarrass your child. Furthermore, don't place negative labels on your child, such as lazy, scaredy-cat, weakling, crybaby, etc. These labels only serve to shackle the child emotionally. Moreover, don't use sarcasm, teasing, or humor in the process of teaching emotional fluency. A child under the influence of his or her emotions is often overly sensitive and thinking irrationally. So, sarcasm, teasing, and humor can be misinterpreted and increase rather than reduce emotional energy. Furthermore, such lighthearted approaches may suggest to children that you are not taking their situation seriously or that you are making fun of them. Finally, understand that feelings are not logical and have their own reasons for being legitimate, so don't assess an emotion's validity through cold logic.

The information in this chapter and the process of naming, normalizing, and negotiating will be referred to repeatedly throughout the rest of this book.

### Summary

\- Be prepared to:

= Notice your child's emotions.

= Remain calm.

= Have empathy.

= Understand the language of emotions.

\- Name only what you see.

\- Normalize and console.

\- Negotiate:

= Listen to your child.

= Assess the trigger.

= Assess the emotion.

= Assess the response.

= Consider the three questions:

= What do you want?

= How realistic is that?

= How can you achieve that?

\- Don't force it.

\- Be available.

\- Be calm.

\- Discuss the feelings without labeling your child.

#  Chapter 5. Behavior Modification
### Introduction

The purpose of this chapter is to introduce you to the general principles of influencing behavior and the specific strategies to do so. (Chapters devoted to the individual stages of childhood will further discuss using these strategies.) Behavior modification involves one of four types of parental actions. Parents want to **encourage appropriate behaviors** that are currently happening or have just happened (so that they will reoccur in the future), and **motivate a child to start a new desired action** in the present. These encouraging techniques and starting prompts are discussed in the section "Positive Reinforcement." Parents also want **discourage undesirable behaviors** that have already happened (so that they will not reoccur in the future), and **stop a current inappropriate behavior.** These discouraging techniques and stopping prompts are discussed in the section "Negative Reinforcement."

Positive reinforcement involves giving children experiences they like, such as attention (in the form of recognition, encouragement, and spending time together), privileges, and rewards. Privileges are **routine** experiences children view as pleasant, but, as routine as they may be, they can still be elements that can be increased, decreased, or stopped in response to behaviors that parents wish to encourage or discourage. Rewards are **intermittent** pleasant experiences used to encourage desirable behaviors.

In contrast, negative reinforcement involves giving children experiences that represent the preferred behavior, such as do-overs, and experiences they dislike, called penalties. Penalties are **temporary** unpleasant experiences used to discourage undesirable behaviors. (Often, penalties are referred to as "negative consequences," or simply "a consequence.") **Penalties should usually be simple and quick so that, once done, the child can be given another opportunity for good behavior**. The best penalties are those connected with the negative behavior, so called "natural consequences," (for example, taking away a radio for playing it loudly).

Since natural consequences are directly related to the misbehavior, children can make the link between their behavior and the result more easily. And, because natural consequences result from the children's own actions, children are less likely to retaliate against their parents for having been given a consequence. Giving natural consequences may require some imagination, as they may not always be obvious to a parent thrust into a confrontation with a child. For this reason, other penalties are included in the list below. As often as possible, though, try to identify and impose the natural consequence, (discussed further in the section "Negative Reinforcement").

It is important to understand the difference between rewards and bribes. Rewards are **unexpected** and are given **after** a desirable behavior. Bribes are **expected** and are given or promised **before** the occurrence of a desirable behavior. While rewards can encourage a behavior, bribes encourage the expectation of more bribes. The use of bribes will cause the parent to be held hostage by the child's behavior, which means that a desirable behavior will not happen until a bribe is offered or received. Behavior motivated by bribes discourages the child from maturing. If a child is asking for a bribe, they should receive a penalty instead, as asking for a bribe should be considered inappropriate behavior. For example, the child demanding a bribe can be advised to do an extra chore or other penalty (ideally, related to the desired bribe itself) for the crime of soliciting a bribe.

To know how to respond, parents must decide if a behavior is: 1) appropriate and desirable, 2) inappropriate but tolerated temporarily, given the child's immaturity or extenuating circumstances (illness, frustration, environmental changes, sleepiness, or other stressors), or 3) completely unacceptable. If you have difficulty deciding if a given behavior should be tolerated or not, here are a few test questions that will help decide in which group the behavior belongs.

Is the behavior . . .

\- One you would be proud of, one you want to continue or be repeated at home and in public?

= If yes, accept it.

\- One you tolerate _temporarily_ because of the child's fatigue, illness, pain, or other stressing issue?

= If yes, accept it temporarily, but treat the underlying issue.

\- Dangerous, destructive, unacceptable by every standard, or one that you are **not** proud of or **don't** want to continue?

= If this is true, it needs an intervention.

Do not expect children under three years old to be able to behave appropriately, and don't expect children under four years old to keep their emotions under control. This does not mean standing by as their behavior or emotions go unchecked. **Misbehavior is a mistake, and a mistake is an opportunity to teach appropriate behaviors and emotional responses. And behaviors you are happy to see are opportunities to give recognition and encouragement**. Give your children the opportunity to learn and mature by providing positive or negative reinforcement as the situation dictates. Your child's behavior determines the need for an intervention, and your child's age determines the type of intervention.

Young toddlers (one to two years old) most commonly misbehave because they are thinking magically, lacking self-control, being inquisitive or impulsive, or because they are ignorant of the rules of life. Discipline at this age is inappropriate because young toddlers lack the ability to connect their behaviors to your consequences. **Redirection is the primary behavior modification tool in young toddlers (one to two years old).** When misbehavior occurs, change the target of your child's attention by, for example, placing a more interesting object in front of him or her, by facing your young toddler in a new direction, or taking the child to another room. A toddler's short attention span can be an asset in this circumstance. Often, the parent of young toddlers should act as an ever-present bodyguard to prevent mishaps and mischief while they exercise their natural spirit. This does not mean ignoring inappropriate behaviors. The bodyguard/parent needs to be ready to redirect undesirable, inappropriate, and potentially dangerous behaviors.

Older toddlers (two to three years old) and children misbehave to seek attention, satisfy a want (pleasure), avoid displeasure, exercise their will (as in throwing, splashing, scribbling, etc.), be in control of their lives, retaliate against your control, or because they haven't yet learned the rules for acceptable behavior. Thus, when your children misbehave, consider the reasons behind their actions to understand them better. Nonetheless, apply behavior modification techniques when appropriate. **Older toddlers (two to three years old), can learn values through directions and reenactments ("do-overs")** : "Kicking hurts; we don't do that" or "Throwing is not nice; put the toy in my hand instead." Do-overs are excellent ways to teach toddlers what "good behavior" actually means. A list of responses parents can use for negative behaviors is located under the upcoming section, "Negative Reinforcement." Attention-seeking behavior, on the other hand, should usually be **quietly ignored**. Repeated negative behaviors should cause the parent to explore the child's motivations for them.

Children who often seek attention are likely looking for more involvement in your life. Consider spending more time together playing or doing your adult chores or activities together. Children who get into power struggles with you may be ready for more responsibility or choices within the limits of their thinking ability. Consider giving your children responsibility over their own needs – **let them do rather than you doing for them** , such as getting dressed, washing, cleaning up after play, cleaning their place at the table after eating, washing their dishes, etc. Consider giving younger children more options from which to choose (usually, no more than two). Consider allowing older children to make more decisions about less significant aspects of their lives, such as which of two options they would like to eat or buy. And you can ask older children what they think a fair negative consequence should be for their negative behavior. Children who are acting vengefully may perceive that you are being unfair. Thus, reevaluate your interactions, requirements, and consequences. Finally, consider what messages or lessons your children are getting from other caregivers, siblings, TV, and the Internet. Perhaps they are learning from others values that promote immature motivations and priorities.

#### Adler's Principles

Alfred Adler was an Austrian psychologist noted for developing principles of child behavior and parenting. Below is a list of child guidance principles, which formed the basis for what is written above and later on. The list has been adapted from the website http://www.adlerian.us/guid.htm, which was itself taken from the book "The ABC's of Guiding the Child," by Rudolf Dreikurs and Margaret Goldman.

\- Parents who show respect for children teach them to respect their parents, themselves, and others.

\- Real security/confidence cannot be found from the outside. It is only possible to achieve it through the experience and feeling of having overcome challenges.

\- Never do for a child what he can do for himself. A dependent child is a demanding child. Children become irresponsible only when we fail to give them opportunities to take on responsibility.

\- Overprotection pushes a child down. Parents may feel they are giving when they act for a child. But, actually, they are taking away the child's right to learn and develop. Parents have a bias against children, assuming children are incapable of acting effectively and responsibly. When parents begin to have faith that their children can do things effectively and behave responsibly, their children will take responsibility when given the opportunity to do so.

\- Parents who take on the responsibility of the child by reminding or doing for him, encourage the child to be irresponsible and dependent. Parents must learn to "mind their own business" and let the children learn from the consequences of their own behaviors, successes and failures.

\- Rewards and punishments are outdated. Children soon begin to consider rewards their right and demand a reward for everything. And they consider that being punished gives them the right to punish in return. And the retaliation of children is usually more effective than the punishment inflicted by the parents. Children often retaliate by not eating, fighting, neglecting schoolwork, or otherwise misbehaving in ways that are the most disturbing to parents.

\- Natural consequences allow the child to experience the actual result of his own behavior and are usually effective.

\- If children are unable to gain positive attention, children resort to activities, which get them negative attention.

\- No behavior is continued if it loses its benefit. Children tend to develop "bad" habits when they derive the benefit of negative attention.

\- Children's basic aim is to have significance and have a place in the group. Well-adjusted children gain social acceptance by cooperating with the requirements of the group and by making their own useful contribution to it. The misbehaving child is still trying, in a mistaken way, to feel important in his own world. Children who are not given the power to care for or contribute to the group (for example, by helping around the house) may lack the feeling that they are useful, contributing members of the family. Thus, they might feel important only when arousing a parent's anger and annoyance with misbehavior.

\- A child who wants to be powerful generally has a parent who also wants power. A fight requires more than one person, so when a parent learns to do nothing (for instance, by withdrawing) during a power struggle, this dissipates the child's power, and can begin to establish a healthier relationship. The use of power teaches children that only strong people get what they want.

\- Children are usually unaware of their four goals of misbehavior. Though their behaviors may seem illogical to others, their behaviors are consistent with the children's own interpretation of their place in the family group. These four goals are:

= Attention-getting: children want attention and service. We respond by feeling annoyed and that we need to remind and coax them.

= Power: children want to be the boss. We respond by feeling provoked and get into a power contest with him - "you can't get away with this!"

= Revenge: they want to hurt us. We respond by feeling deeply hurt and think, "I'll get even!"

= Display of inadequacy: they want to be left alone, with no demands made upon them. We respond by feeling despair and thinking, "I don't know what to do!"

\- Withdrawal (leaving the child and walking into another room) is most effective when the child demands undue attention or tries to involve you in a power contest. Often doing nothing causes wonderful results.

\- Withdraw from arguments but not from the child. Don't talk in moments of conflict, but give attention and recognition when children behave well. When they demand attention with disturbing behavior, don't give it. You may feel that anger helps get rid of your own tensions, but it does not teach the child what he or she should learn.

\- Quiet action is more effective in conflict situations than talking. Talking provides an opportunity for arguments in which the child can defeat the parent. If the parent maintains a calm, patient attitude, he or she can accomplish positive results through quiet action.

\- Don't interfere in children's fights. By allowing children to resolve their own conflicts, they learn to get along better. Many fights are provoked to get a parent involved. By separating the children or acting as judge, we take their bait and encourage them to fight more.

\- Fighting requires cooperation. When children fight, they are actually cooperating in the same activity. Often the younger, weaker child provokes a fight so the parents will act against the older child. When two children fight, they are both participating and are equally responsible.

\- Don't attempt to teach a child in a moment of conflict or in company. Take time for training and teaching the child essential skills and habits. The parent who "does not have time" will eventually be spending more time correcting an untrained child.

\- Making mistakes is human. We must have the courage to be imperfect. The child is also imperfect. Don't make a big fuss and don't worry about his or her mistakes. Build on the positive, not on the negative.

\- A family meeting gives every member of the family a chance to express himself freely in all matters of both difficulty and pleasure pertaining to the family. The emphasis should be on "What we can do about the situation." Meet regularly at the same time each week. Rotate chairmen. Keep minutes. Have an equal vote for each member. Require a consensus, not a majority vote, on each decision.

\- Have fun together and help to develop a relationship based on enjoyment, mutual respect, love and affection, mutual confidence and trust, and a feeling of belonging. Instead of nagging, scolding, preaching, and correcting, talk to maintain a friendly relationship. Speak to your child with the same respect and consideration that you would express to a good friend.

### Negative Reinforcement

#### Introduction

When imposing negative consequences, **talk calmly and to the point, and be brief and clear**. And **be sympathetic and understanding** rather than criticizing, mocking, ridiculing, or being disrespectful to your child for getting a penalty. You want to give the message that it's the behavior that is unacceptable, not your child.

Some children may not take their parents' direction seriously unless it's in a firm or angry tone. This may be due to the child's previous conditioning, for example, previous calmly spoken warnings or penalties were not followed up. Or the child may have a particularly strong will. **Talking calmly and being sympathetic and understanding should not discourage you from being firm, raising your voice, or showing a bit of anger when needed**.

**Negative consequences should follow an undesirable behavior as soon as possible**. However, if circumstances don't allow this, it's perfectly acceptable to inform your child that a negative consequence is called for and will be discussed and imposed when time and circumstances allow. **When you promise a consequence, keep your promise**. Warnings that are not followed by the promised negative consequence will actually reinforce the negative behaviors those warnings were meant to stop. Negative consequences, like any other tool, need to be familiar and ready, so be alert to possible _natural consequences,_ or prepare a list of penalties in advance. Be aware that a given penalty may not be effective for every child. So, adjust or change your penalties if your child's behavior does not improve. (Reasons for failure are discussed later.)

Here are several strategies that parents can to use in response to negative behaviors. Stopping prompts are also listed below. Sometimes, the mention of a penalty is enough of a prompt to stop a current unwanted behavior. When not effective, the 1-2-3 method and timeouts, discussed below, help redirect a child's thinking and stop his or her negative behavior.

#### Redirection and Distraction

As mentioned previously, young toddlers (one to two years old) are less likely to be driven by bad intent and are less likely to connect their action to your reaction. Thus, **negative reinforcement has no place at this age. The optimal response for undesirable behavior in this age group is to redirect the child's attention:** present a different toy or book or offer to read to the child, change the environment (e.g., take the child to a new room), take away any stimulating agent (a toy that is being abused), and reduce the child's energy (e.g., sit the child on your lap while hugging or stroking his or her limbs and back or singing a song).

#### Do-over

It's often easier to learn from a physical experience than from a verbal message. Thus, actions that represent your desired behavior are more likely to be repeated. So, when your child does something undesirable, give him or her the opportunity to do it over differently. **This can be an effective strategy from toddlers to teenagers**.

For example:

\- "We don't throw things; now take this toy in your hand and give it to me nicely."

\- "You were supposed to ask before going to Jane's house. So, come back home and ask as you were to do in the first place."

\- "Do you want to do that over or do you want an extra chore today?" (or time-out or other consequence).

A do-over is a small but significant behavioral tool. It delays the activity the child wanted, so the child sees this as unpleasant. Do-overs require engaging the thinking mind, so it can reduce the child's emotional energy. Furthermore, do-overs model the behavior you want and give the child practice doing it, contributing to "muscle memory."

#### Turn "No" into "Yes"

Using the word "no" or other negative statements can trigger emotional responses and shut down your child's rational thinking. Change your negative response to your child's request by turning it around. For example, instead of: "No, you can't play now" say: "Yes, you can play after dinner." Depending on when and where you use this technique, it can both stop current undesirable behavior as well as encourage desirable behavior.

#### Turn "Don't" into "Do"

This is another form of the "no into yes" technique. It involves turning a "don't" statement into a "do" statement. The word "don't" can ignite emotional thinking, and it leaves the question of what to do in place of the unacceptable activity open to interpretation. By specifically saying what to do, you remove all doubts or limit the options without igniting emotional thinking. For example, instead of saying: "Don't slam the door," say "Close the door quietly, please;" instead of "Don't jump on the couch," say "Sit on the couch or go outside."

#### Natural Consequences

These are consequences that are somehow connected to the object or action of a child's misbehavior. They can be obvious and natural or invented by you, but **natural consequences are always related to the behavior**. Thus, they show the child the relationship between his or her behavior and the consequences that follow. Some natural consequences are obvious, and some are not. One way to figure out a natural consequence is to consider:

\- What is the worst possible thing that could happen from the behavior (real or imagined)?

\- What is the opposite of the undesirable behavior you want to stop?

Examples are:

\- Bedroom door taken off its hinges and removed for persistent slamming

\- Losing the radio for playing it too loudly

\- Losing bike privileges for not putting the bike away

\- Not getting part or all of dinner for arriving late or showing inappropriate displeasure with the servings

\- Being served a meal on the dirty dishes for not properly washing them

\- Requiring silence (or talking in whispers) for a minute or more for talking too loudly

\- Vacuuming a few rooms for not taking shoes off at the door

\- Not allowing visits to or from friends for not coming home on time

\- Cleaning walls and baseboards for marking up a wall

\- Crayons "getting a time-out" for marking up walls (i.e. unavailable to the child for a period of time)

\- Toys "getting a time-out" for not putting toys away

\- Shoes "getting a time-out" for kicking

\- Ball "getting a time-out" for being thrown inside the house

A "black hole" container can be designated to store toys, clothes, and so forth that are not properly put away. Such a container would not be accessed until the end of the week, at which time the child would be required to put all the contents in their proper place. Another natural consequence is a fine that is levied against an older child's allowance for requiring the parent to pick up after the child, for other parental actions, or for excessive waiting. This fine can also be considered "payment for services rendered."

Some authors use the terms _natural consequences_ for those that are obvious and _logical consequences_ for those that are invented, but in either case, the consequence is connected to the behavior. In contrast to natural consequences, here are examples of consequences that are **not** natural: not getting dessert for playing the radio loudly, and loosing bike privileges for bad behavior at dinner.

#### Time-out

An adequate consequence for an older toddler (two to three years old) is a time-out in your lap for one to three minutes as you repeat your teaching message simply and clearly (e.g., "Kicking is a no-no," or "When Mommy says stop, you have to stop"). If your child squirms, hold him or her in a holding time-out with your child's back against your chest, holding his or her arms gently but firmly against the belly. When your child settles down, ease your hold while communicating your message. Alternatively, a sitting time-out in a designated time-out zone or chair can calm your child and interrupt the circuitry involved in his or her misbehavior.

The time-out zone in the home for the older toddler and child can be the child's room, provided the room lacks electronics, such as a TV, computer, game consoles, etc. (These items should not be in a child's room because they have a tendency to distract and increase emotional energy.) Other time-out locations in the home are: a room that lacks electronic pacifiers, the couch, and a designated chair. Outside the home, the possible time-out zones include: sitting on a bench, standing against a wall (not facing it), sitting in silence in the car, and a quiet room in a relative's home. Remember, the point is to lower the child's energy, not embarrass him or her, so consider less public zones when in public.

The reasons for the time-out are to remove the child from the situation or stimuli that contributed to the misbehavior, to show that the parent is serious about the misbehavior, to encourage the child to start thinking rationally while leaving the emotional mindset, and to practice self-control. It's all right if the child is playing quietly while in time-out, as the purpose of time-out is to teach, not punish. The traditional reason for punishment - to make a moment in a child's life miserable - has no part in the time-out rationale or process.

The number of minutes for a time-out roughly equals the child's age in years, but the timing should not start until the child is quiet and in the designated spot. If the child is not quiet, then the calming, self-controlling purpose of the time-out is not accomplished. Instruct the child that the timer for the time-out begins when the quiet begins.

#### Penalties and Lost Privileges

Penalties are imposed and privileges are taken away when other negative consequences fail or are unavailable or inappropriate. It's a good idea to prepare a list of possibilities so that options are at hand when needed. Examples are listed below. **For less serious offences, any activity assigned as a negative consequence should not take more than fifteen to thirty minutes to complete**.

\- Earlier bedtime

\- Losing dessert

\- Doing laundry

\- Vacuuming a room or rooms

\- Mowing the lawn

\- Raking the yard or other yard work

\- Cleaning bathroom, kitchen, garage, or other room

\- Dusting

\- Washing windows

\- Vacuuming the car

\- Sweeping out garage

\- Cleaning the refrigerator

\- Fines

\- Losing a privilege

#### Engaging the Child

Engaging involves taking the child through the misbehavior process, from the act (what the misbehavior involved), to its ramifications (what could happen if the act continued), and to the consequences (the penalty for the act). This is best done in the form of a series of questions:

\- "Do you know what you did wrong?"

\- "Do you know why that is not allowed?"

= Or "What could happen if that continued?"

\- "What should the penalty be?"

This discussion requires that both you and the child are calm and that there is time to go through the process. Not every child at every age is appropriate for this process, but the earlier it is used in childhood, the earlier the child will learn the relationship between their actions and the potential results. Engaging can also mean allowing your child to choose a penalty from a list of several options you present. (This is a good reason to have a list prepared in advance.)

The "Wheel of Choice" is a tool presented in the website positivediscipline.com. (See the link below.) It has versions for younger and older children, which have six or fourteen behavioral options, rather than penalties, that are represented by pictures on a pie chart, each wedge being a different behavior. The child is directed to choose a behavior on the wheel that fits the situation or their feelings. The chart can also be used to drive a discussion to compare and evaluate each choice. Examples of choices for the two wheels are below, but don't hesitate to make your own wheel that lists behaviors for self-discipline, what to do in fun situations, and what to do in annoying situations.

(http://blog.positivediscipline.com/2011/01/wheel-of-choice.html)

Smaller version:

\- Laugh out loud

\- Sit in a quiet place

\- Take a drink of water

\- Listen or play music

\- Dance

\- Read a book

\- Share toys

\- Count to ten

Larger version:

\- Be a friend

\- Use an "I feel..." phrase

\- Say what you want

\- Work it out together

\- Share

\- Take turns

\- Try again

\- Put in on a to-do list

\- Consider it a mistake

\- Go to a quiet place

\- Count to ten

\- Apologize

\- Ask for help

\- Ignore it

#### The 1-2-3 Method

The 1-2-3 method has been popularized by Dr. Thomas W. Phelan's book _1-2-3 Magic_. This technique is used as a stopping prompt for undesirable behaviors in children from two to twelve years old, and it involves three components:

\- Counting from one to three

\- The parent staying calm and quiet

\- The time-out

Counting from one to three is done with about five seconds between each count. The count starts when you notice the negative behavior and continues until either the child stops the behavior or the count of three is reached. Upon reaching the count of three, a consequence is defined. Counting has the advantage that it's simple and does not require the parent to know or understand how to respond to the many misbehaviors and challenges of childhood. It also gives the parent the opportunity to calm down in potentially emotional situations. Counting directs the child's attention to the count and away from the stimulus of the negative behavior. Additionally, with every number counted, the younger, magically thinking child imagines an ever more unpleasant consequence, making compliance seem that much more attractive. Counting offers the older child the opportunity to shift toward rational thinking, which then reduces the irrational, egocentric, or emotional motivations for his or her actions.

You simply say, "That's one for not listening; that's two; that's three; now take a ten-minute time-out." (Alternatively, you can use the baseball phrase, "That's strike one . . .") Dr. Phelan writes that serious offenses, which should be obvious to your child, or those offenses that are completed in a moment, do not need to be counted from one but can go directly to three. In such cases, you would say, "That's three for swearing; take a ten minute time-out."

Dr. Phelan also suggests that repeat misbehaviors within a certain time period, whether involving the same misbehavior or not, do not require starting a new count from one when the previous count was stopped by compliance. The count is simply resumed from its previous number when the misbehavior restarts. The time period within which a count would be continued (rather that restarted) would be about ten to twenty minutes for the younger child, but can be several hours or half the day for the older child. Here, the parent would say, "That's two for not listening again," or simply, "That's two" (if the misbehavior is obvious).

The second component, staying calm and quiet, means the parent remains silent and unemotional **during and after** the counting and any consequence that may have followed. Dr. Phelan calls this "no talking, no emotion rule." Calm and quiet means that throughout the intervention, the parent remains unemotional and quiet or talks as little as possible. The purpose of not talking during the counting is to avoid any potential argument or emotional escalation between parent and child and to prevent distracting the child from the counting. Being calm and quiet after the negative consequence has been completed allows the atmosphere to return to a calm, friendly state as if the misbehavior did not occur. There is no need to lecture or discuss the misbehavior further. The reason is that the child has "served his or her time," therefore, activities and interactions should return to normal. Resuming activities, without the cloud of the previous misbehavior hanging in the air, prevents the child from reactivating emotional or self-centered thinking. However, there are exceptions to this instruction.

Dr. Phelan writes that if the child has behaviors that are **new, dangerous, or destructive** , the behavior should be discussed so that the child understands their seriousness and implications. Examples are playing hardball catch in the living room, jumping on the furniture, lying, stealing, and persistent vulgarity. As discussed below, talking in these circumstances involves engaging your child, but this engagement still includes a negative consequence for your child's negative behavior.

The third component is the time-out that is imposed when the count reaches three. The time-out in the context of the 1-2-3 method is the same as a time-out described earlier. Time-out alternatives can be applied when the time-out cannot be done or if it is ineffective. These alternatives are the same as the negative consequences previously discussed: natural consequences, penalties, loss of privileges, and engagement. As Dr. Phelan writes, the penalty should not be so severe as to be considered cruel or vengeful, which would negatively affect the relationship between parent and child.

#### Fines

Fines for inappropriate or disrespectful behaviors can be effective to modify the behaviors of children with an income in the form of an allowance or job. Decide the size of your fines ahead of time. At the time of the "offense," give your child a paper "ticket" as a reminder of the action that caused the fine and its cost, and demand payment on the spot from children who have their own money. For others, keep a record of the fines so that the sum of all fines can be deducted from their allowance at the end of the week. (See also "Family Economy" in the section on positive reinforcement in this chapter.)

#### Broken-Record

This is a technique for stopping an argument. After each of the child's comebacks, you repeat the same message in the same tone of voice. Since your message is exactly the same, child has no new response to react to. Or you can calmly say, "Please refer to my previous response," repeated for each of the child's comebacks or requests. If said in a robotic and unemotional tone, the child will quickly learn you won't change your mind. Staying silent is another form of the broken-record technique. Having said what you wanted to say once, there is no need to say anything more, which would distract from your initial single important message.

An argument can also be treated like the misbehavior that it is and responded to with the 1-2-3 technique: "That's strike 1 for arguing; that's strike 2; that's strike 3, so take a 5 minute time out now."

#### The Look

Some parents master "the look," a facial expression or hand gesture that signals a parent's displeasure with a current behavior and the parent's preparation to give a negative consequence. This motivates the child to correct his or her behavior **without the parent saying a word**. Some children refer to this as "the evil eye." A certain look or gesture can change a child's behavior without introducing emotion or having a confrontation. Because they are done silently, they can be done in the presence of company without embarrassing your child. And, they can be effective when distance prevents verbal communication. Examples of gestures include pointing to your forehead to signal "think about what you are doing;" bringing your finger to your lips to signal "quiet;" raising the index finger displaying the number one indicates the start of the 1-2-3 count; lowering an open hand from a raised position can indicate "reduce your energy," or "calm down;" pointing your finger at your eye and then at your children can signal that you are watching them – meaning "correct your behavior," etc. Consider developing and practicing your own looks and gestures. You can teach your child to take your looks and gestures seriously by initially combining them with words and following up with a consequence if the child does not respond.

#### A Non-Confrontational Option

Some parents have difficulty giving negative consequences or being confrontational. Every effort must be made to overcome this hesitation. Parents need to be authoritative. If a parent still can't give negative consequences, perhaps setting up consequence bowls will help: Two bowls, A and B, are filled with sheets of paper on which are written different negative consequences. One bowl contains papers with consequences for mild misbehaviors and another bowl contains descriptions of consequences for more serious behaviors. In the case of an undesirable behavior, the parent tells the child to blindly reach into bowl A or B, depending on the misbehavior, for a paper describing the negative consequence to be experienced. A related strategy is to have two lists (instead of bowls A and B) of penalties accessible in the home. The parent tells the child to pick a penalty from one list or the other.

#### Comments

There are roughly two types of parents when it comes to discipline. Some parents, whom I call "born teachers/therapists," can always keep calm, quickly collect their thoughts, can easily put their thoughts into words the child can understand, and can do all these together at a moment's notice. Then there are the parents I call "normal parents" - the rest of us who have the best of intentions, who may be able to keep calm, who may be able to form the right thoughts, and who may be able to say the right things, but who just can't do all these together quickly enough and at the right time. A born teacher/therapist will likely be able to use most of the techniques described, while the rest of us normal parents will find **do-overs and the 1-2-3 technique the easiest to master and use regularly**. Hopefully with time and experience, **natural consequences** will become obvious and familiar, so that parents can use them as their primary response to misbehavior.

Whatever strategy you use, two elements will increase the likelihood of success: **the tone of your voice and consistent follow up.** Adjust the tone of your voice and language to the child and situation. Some children and situations only require a neutral message; other situations or children may need the parent to communicate more sternly, while still other situations may benefit from a playful or humorous tone. It is the parents' job to be sensitive to the approach that works best while applying **the minimum amount of emotional energy**. Whatever the tone, compliance must be understood as the only option. Following up means that failure to comply must be met with a negative consequence. **Never make the threat of a consequence and then fail to deliver**. This is the same as lying to yourself and to your child. So, say what you mean, do what you say, and be consistent. Failing to be consistent is a sure way to teach a child that you don't mean what you say. And, by not being consistent, you will lose your child's respect.

No misbehavior should be ignored. This includes disrespectful behavior, yelling, and not listening. In short, while making allowance for children's lack of experience, their age, and the situation, children should be expected to act, more or less, as one would expect an adult to act. (Excluding simple immaturity and playful childishness, if you would be disturbed by an adult acting this way, then the child's behavior is likely unacceptable.) Thus, throwing food is not acceptable, but rolling on the floor for fun is. Interrupting a casual conversation at a family meal may be acceptable, but not at a formal dinner. Use the test questions mentioned earlier as a guide.

As stated above, no transgression should be ignored, but consider the child's attitude when deciding on a negative consequence. If the child is truly sorry, it's possible that being forgiving may be all that is necessary, and a negative consequence may not be needed. If such mercy is being practice repeatedly, however, your forgiveness is likely encouraging, rather discouraging, inappropriate behavior.

Arguments are like a boxing match; each contestant is determined to win. But no matter who wins the match, the relationship between contestants loses with reduced trust and cooperation later. If an argument is at hand, stop for moment and define the single essential element of the argument, then discuss it rationally. You can say, "Let's stop for a second, then we will discuss it in a few minutes," to reduce any ongoing emotional energy. Once everyone has voiced his or her thoughts and reasons, you can make your decision and stick to it. You can stick to your decision by using the broken-record technique or simply staying silent. Or, you can apply the 1-2-3 method if the child still wants to continue the argument, as **the** **argument itself is a type of misbehavior**.

Children often make requests when parents are unprepared, so there is nothing wrong with saying, "Let me think about it." You can avoid this being a signal to the child that you will not grant their request, by using this same phrase for requests that you are willing to grant. Mixing it up will confuse children and may prevent triggering emotional reactions.

In the case of misbehavior involving siblings, when it's not clear who started it, it's best to discipline all involved. There are several reasons for this strategy. First, asking who started it will lead to back-and-forth accusations that obscure the truth. Second, it's most likely that all participants had a hand in the misbehavior, (one doesn't fight alone). Third, if there truly is a situation in which there is a guilty party and an innocent victim, disciplining both means that the guilty party will be disciplined 100% of the time while an innocent victim will be disciplined 50% of the time (assuming it's not the same guilty party each time). Even when disciplining an innocent victim, this victim will see that you did discipline the guilty party, which, in the victim's eyes, was deserved. This preserves the relationship between you and your children.

Discipline for misbehavior should be linked to an episode, but a single episode may be associated with a chain reaction of misbehaviors that are a response to your penalty. Here, you should be careful not to contribute to an episode's escalation by handing out one discipline after another for each of the misbehaving "echoes" that follows the initial act. Consider the initial misbehavior like a single fall down the stairs as opposed to many falls down individual steps. By focusing on the initial event, your child is more likely to understand the relationship of the consequence to their behavior. This understanding will be lost in the context of multiple penalties in response to multiple inappropriate behaviors in so short a time.

Furthermore, if a parenting intervention does not result in the desired behavior, don't give more negative consequences or consequences that are ever harsher. Instead, try to figure out why your interventions are failing; see the section "Reasons for Failure."

#### Corporal Punishment

No discussion of negative reinforcement would be complete without mentioning spanking or any other act to inflict pain in order to change behavior. Corporal punishment, as it's called, has a long tradition, which is rooted in the primitive believe that fear and pain are effective motivators without any negative effects of their own. There are several reasons a parent may decide to hit a child.

Parents may choose to spank because they were raised this way. If this is the case, I suggest that the other strategies discussed in this book will be just as effective, if not more so. Furthermore, these other strategies will not model violence or threaten the trust and closeness of the parent-child relationship.

A parent may choose to spank because of anger. If this is the case, it means that the parent has lost both self-control and the ability to think rationally. Without self-control and reason, the punishment itself can get out of control, so it has no place here. In this circumstance, corporal punishment will model violence and normalize anger and can make cruelty an element in the parent-child relationship.

A parent may choose to spank because of a mistaken idea that he or she must win the confrontation. The purpose of a confrontation about negative behaviors is to teach alternative behaviors. The concept of winning has no place here. Certainly, a single "lesson" may not produce the desired effect but, like learning to dance, repetition is the key to learning. Thus, parents need to practice patience and consistently follow up negative behaviors. If these efforts fail, perhaps the section "Reasons for Failure," at the end of this chapter, will help identify and correct the causes for this failure.

A parent may choose to spank out of frustration. If this is the case, it is an indicator of a failure of parenting. Review the section "Reasons for Failure."

### Positive Reinforcement

#### Modeling

**The most powerful influence in encouraging a child's behavior is the parents' own behavior.** From the first year of life, parents are observed by their children, who imitate what they see and hear. Even teenagers, who may say they don't care, are absorbing what they observe. Thus, be the person you want your children to grow up to be.

#### Praise and Recognition

We all enjoy getting attention, having our accomplishments recognized and our efforts encouraged and appreciated. And we all like receiving praise - hearing ourselves described in positive ways. But not all of these messages result in desirable attitudes and behaviors in children.

Praise that is directed at children rather than their actions can cause children to become arrogant or develop a fragile overconfidence that shatters with challenges or failures. Or it can cause children to prefer comfortable or easy tasks to avoid the chance of failure.

Praise that is too frequent or lavish, or if given for routine or simple tasks, may be seen by children as insincere, insulting, or embarrassing. Or frequent or excessive praise can teach some children to need praise or approval for their own self-worth. On the other hand, when praise is uncommon or fake, children may feel unworthy of praise, or they may feel unmotivated to take on or overcome challenges.

The website positivediscipline.com discusses this difference as follows:

_"Research by Carol Dweck, Ph.D. a professor at Columbia University, has now proven what Adler taught years ago. Praise is not good for children. Dweck found that praise can hamper risk taking. Children who were praised for being smart when they accomplished a task chose easier tasks in the future. They didn't want to risk making mistakes. On the other hand, children who were "encouraged" for their efforts were willing to choose more challenging tasks when given a choice. As Dreikurs said,_ _'Encourage the deed [or effort], not the doer.'_ _In other words, instead of, 'You got an A, I'm so proud of you,' try, 'Congratulations! You worked hard. You deserve it.' A subtle difference, but it will change the perception of your child."_

To differentiate _praising the child_ from _praising the action_ , the term "recognition" for praising the action may be preferable. Below are guides about praising or giving recognition to children adapted from an article on the website webmd.com highlighting the views of psychologist Paul Donahue, PhD.

\- Recognition should be directed at the effort rather than the person.

\- Recognition should be directed at initiative or perseverance rather than the accomplishment.

\- Recognition should be proportional to the work the child did.

Recognition is a powerful tool that promotes good behavior at all ages. The toddler and preschool child thrive on attention and are often motivated to please. When the toddler behaves well, words of thanks or appreciation or a hug can encourage more of the same desirable behavior. The preschooler and older child, like all adults, appreciate that their efforts are recognized.

The amount of recognition given to a child differs according to the child's age. Younger children, about two to five years old, should receive generous praise and hugs. The actions of older children, about six to twelve years old, should receive recognition in the form of short phrases. The actions of teenagers should be best recognized and appreciated by a few words spoken matter-of-factly. A simple expression that demonstrates the behavior was noticed and appreciated is often enough. This is done by pointing out the action and mentioning your appreciation in a simple but genuine way. Examples are:

\- "I saw you playing with your sister nicely. You are growing up."

\- "I appreciate your help putting away the crayons after playing with them."

\- "Thank you for putting your toys away."

\- "I appreciate you setting the table."

\- "You did a very nice job with your project."

\- "Your quietness during shopping helped me finish quickly, thank you."

\- Simply looking eye to eye and saying, "Thank you."

Any offhanded remarks or criticisms mixed in with praise or recognition will poison rather than encourage the child's efforts, so avoid criticism **. Your praising words should stand alone.**

In the course of the day or week, look for opportunities to praise positive actions two to three times more often than pointing out negative actions. Alternatively, make it a habit to find a behavior to recognize or appreciate, or about which to encourage your child two to three times a day. To be sure that you've done this throughout the day, you can put three rubber bands on your wrist (or paper clips on your sleeve) every morning. Then, every time you give your child encouragement or recognition, remove a rubber band (or paper clip), or move them to the other arm. By the end of the day, all the rubber bands (or clips) should be gone.

Certainly, there are situations that require constructive criticism: judging a chore's completion, homework, a special school project, etc. In these cases, it is important to start and end on a positive note. First, find something positive to recognize, and then point out any negatives. Then, finish the session by pointing out one or two elements of the work that allow you to express encouragement and recognition.

#### Random Rewards

A random _unexpected_ pleasant action by a parent that follows a behavior will most likely continue that behavior. Furthermore, as an unexpected act of kindness, it shows that you care about your child's feelings and likes. This will nourish the relationship between you and your child and foster respect. However, avoid giving rewards often or with regularity because they will then be expected and lose their positive effects. Here are examples of random reward options.

\- Bowl of ice cream or piece of cake

\- Movie rental

\- Game of catch, cards, or board game

\- Bedtime fifteen to thirty minutes later, depending on age

\- More bedtime reading

\- Preparing a favorite food, desert, or meal

\- Camping in the family room or backyard

\- Allowing a movie choice for the evening

\- Having a friend over

\- Headlight evening play (e.g., hide-and-seek in the dark with headlights or flashlights)

\- Going to a friend's house

\- Extra video game time

\- Swimming

\- Backyard event

= Water activity (slip-and-slide, spraying)

= Volleyball

= Badminton

= Barbecue

= Camping at night

\- Going to an arcade/pool

\- Picking an outing for the weekend (museum, park, hike, zoo)

\- Going to a sporting event

\- Going to the library

#### When-Then

This is phrasing used to teach the relationship between children's behaviors and their goals. And it is used to motivate children to accomplish a specific task when they are motivated toward a different, self-serving activity: " _When_ the room is cleaned, _then_ you can play outside" or " _When_ you finish your homework, _then_ you can play on the computer," etc. Here, the pleasant activity afterwards is the reward that motivates children to first complete the required task. **This technique only serves to get a specific task done when children have a different activity in mind**. With time and repetition, though, children may use this phrase themselves to become motivated to put personal responsibility before personal gratification.

#### If-Then

This is another way to teach children the relationship between behaviors and goals. Since it uses the conditional word _if_ , this technique is **not** used to initiate a required behavior. "If you start your chores soon, then you'll have more time with your friend later." You would **use if-then statements for optional behaviors, and when-then statements for required behaviors**.

#### Turn "No" Phrases into "Yes" Phrases

This has been discussed in the section, "Negative Reinforcement." Depending on the situation, you use this technique to encourage desirable behaviors as well as stopping undesirable ones.

#### Timers

Kitchen timers act as a neutral third party that can set a limit for avoiding/delaying a requested or required behavior. To use a timer, simply say something like: "I want the kitchen table set by the time the timer rings in fifteen minutes." Be prepared with a consequence if the act is not completed. By leaving children more or less in charge of initiating an action, the parent is removed from the interaction and children's competing motivations: fighting with you, avoiding the behavior, and complying with you.

#### The 1-2-3 Method

Though previously described as being used to stop an undesirable behavior, the 1-2-3 technique can also be used to start a desirable act. Turning this logic around, the negative behavior for using the 1-2-3 technique can be defined as _not starting_ the desirable act now. The technique gives the child a signal that you are serious and a moment to reflect on potential consequences before a potential refusal. When encouraging a desirable behavior, the 1-2-3 technique is best applied to actions that don't need further motivation to continue or take very little time (fifteen to twenty minutes) to complete. The 1-2-3 technique is not very effective for motivating a child to _continue_ a behavior or to complete a desirable behavior _later_.

#### Charting

A chart showing daily successes in the form of a gold star (and a silver star for partial successes) can motivate the toddler and younger school-age child. On cardboard, draw a grid of seven columns (one for each day of the week) and a row for each behavior that is to be charted. Keep the number of behaviors to be charted at one time low (one to three behaviors) so that successes are easier to attain and more obvious to see. Keeping this number low also keeps the process less complicated for you. At the end of each day, show your child's accomplishments by placing a gold star (for full success) or a silver star (for partial success) on the row for each behavior being monitored. Consider offering the child a treat (reward) after accomplishing three to four gold stars in a row.

#### Family Economy

Some older children or teens may have excessive feelings of entitlement or a need for control, causing them to be very stubborn, argumentative, and resistant to many behavior-modifying techniques. Earning money may be their incentive to follow rules. Giving an older child or teenager a job around the house with a weekly income will give them the opportunity to earn money and accept responsibility, while giving parents the opportunity to impose fines to modify behaviors. Richard and Linda Eyre, authors of several parenting books and the website valuesparenting.com, call this the "family economy." There are different ways to organize this economy and one suggested by Richard and Linda Eyre follows.

Divide the day into four routines or areas of responsibility that earn children money when completed; in other words, **when responsibilities are done and behaviors are respectful and appropriate**. These four routines, which I call _chores_ to deflect the idea that children are paid "to be good," are: the _morning chore_ , the _homework chore_ , the _household chore_ , and the _evening/bedtime chore_. (An example of a morning chore is getting up for school at the appropriate time without being reminded, washing, getting dressed, and having breakfast - all these should occur without drama. A daily household chore can be a small job during the week and a larger one on the weekends. The evening chore involves activities from around supper time to bedtime, such as cleaning up after meals, turning the TV or other electronics off, washing up, and going to bed - again, all done without argument.) A peg representing each completed chore is moved to a "completed" column on a pegboard, (or a checkmark is made in a ledger), that displays the four chores per day and the seven days of the week. A chore is considered complete when associated activities and behaviors are what the parent expects. The four chores per day for seven days of the week add up to 28 chores per week for each child, earning money for the child completing them. Uncooperative behavior causes the related chore to be considered incomplete (and excluded from the allowance calculation). Fines are given for excessively inappropriate behaviors or arguing about not being paid for incomplete chores. All money earned is recorded in a ledger for younger or irresponsible children. Older children and teens can be paid with real money once a week or their earnings can put into a bank account. Any money that is spent is deducted from the ledger daily. Children reimburse parents **immediately** for purchases made for or at a child's request. (An example of a ledger and budget can be found below.) Consider creating a children's "checkbook" that allows **them** to track their earnings and expenses. This option for the family economy is more appropriate for children who are significantly lacking in self-control or are excessively stubborn or materialistic.

Another design for the family economy involves making a list of all possible responsibilities that can earn money for the child. Then, define which responsibilities are required and which are optional. (It is best to keep the number of optional responsibilities limited.) Each job must be completely done without drama to earn a payment. Define the kind of behaviors that cause fines. You don't need to be complete, comprehensive, or precise when listing these behaviors, since children old enough to have a paying job should know what is and is not appropriate behavior. Stating that the expected behaviors (e.g. honesty, responsibility, and courtesy) are the same ones that adults expect from one another will reinforce that what they are being asked is not extraordinary and awaits everyone entering adulthood. Giving a fine involves writing down the violation on a paper with its cost and presenting it to the child as a "ticket." Each day, there is a tally of the jobs completed, the sum of any fines, and the net income. All money earned is distributed as described above. This family economy is more flexible than the one described above, so it is more likely to be manipulated by children lacking in self-control or cooperation. Thus, this option would be more appropriate for children who can control their motivations, who are more cooperative and less materialistic.

Whatever system is used, it should be set up so that the amount of money earned is equal to or slightly more than what the child needs per week to pay for all expenses. **The child's account pays for all expenses that are not common to the family or are the result of the child's request or decision to buy**. Thus, the cost of all clothes, personal items, and treats come out of the child's account. The cost of common utilities would not come out of the child's account but a child's cell phone bill (in part or all) would. Using the first economy option above as an example, divide the amount of money needed for the week by the 28 chores per week to calculate the approximate amount of money earned with each completed chore. Giving too little money will be too weak of an incentive for the child's participation. Giving too much money will reduce the child's cooperation with the whole program; in other words, the child may stop participating when he or she has earned enough money for the week.

The Eyres list a few cautions. Children should not be able to get extra money by doing jobs not on the list. This would focus their attention on money rather than responsibility. Similarly, children should not be paid when you ask them to do something outside the established list; courtesy and cooperation are part of being in a family. (Uncooperative children can be made aware of this if parents stop the many actions they do for children without compensation or requests: dirty laundry can be allowed to pile up in the child's room; only adult foods are purchased for meals; lights bulbs can be removed or electricity turned off in the child's room; requests to be driven here or there can be declined, etc. Or, children can be asked to pay in advance for these services their parents provide if they still don't understand the cooperative nature of family.) Reminders about their responsibilities or the payment rules may be needed during the first week, but avoid reminding children beyond that. Knowing the routine is just as important as complying with it. If children spend all their money and ask for additional funds, don't give it. This is a type of loan or credit, and these have no part in the family economy. Don't intrude on how your children want to spend their money, (unless dangerous or inappropriate); their economic decisions are theirs alone.

In the example of a ledger that follows, completed chores earn $2 each and fines cost $1 each. Food is calculated at $3 per school day, five days of the week for a total of $15 per week. Clothes are calculated to cost $40 per month, which is budgeted at $10 per week. The child's cell phone contribution is calculated at half of the regular $80 plan, which equals $40 per month and is budgeted at $10 per week. R&R is for rest and recreation and is budgeted at $10 per week. The example shows ledger entries for two weeks.

#### Engaging the Child

Engaging means to involve the child in the decision-making process of starting and continuing a desirable behavior. This is an effective technique to influence your child's current and future behaviors. There are several ways to engage your child. These are:

\- Preparing

\- Explaining

\- Offering choices

\- Compromising

\- Family meetings

_Preparing_ involves describing to your child, ahead of time, a new or challenging situation, defining any previously undesirable behavior, and defining the desired behavior. Here are a few examples. Before going to a restaurant or a formal dinner, tell your child what is expected at the dinner table and when and where play is allowed; this makes the dinner more pleasant for everyone. Before entering a store, tell your child what the shopping trip is for and that nothing else will be bought. Before entering a playground, tell your child what the signal for leaving will be and that his or her cooperation will result in more frequent trips to the playground, or fewer trips if there is less cooperation.

_Explaining_ involves discussing why a behavior is expected which will motivate compliance with your request. Explaining can involve when-then and if-then statements, as discussed previously: for example, "If we wash our hands before eating, then we don't swallow germs that can cause us to get a stomach ache, vomit, or have diarrhea."

_Offering choices_ gives children the feeling of control over their lives. As mentioned previously, the number of choices should be limited by children's maturity and age, beginning with just two options. The Wheel of Choice has already been discussed in this chapter under the heading "Negative Reinforcement." The wheel's positive options can guide children to choose appropriate behaviors by themselves. This independence encourages them to make positive choices in the future.

_Compromising_ involves you offering a less objectionable alternative to the one children desire. This alternative would satisfy your reasoning for not allowing what they want while still permitting something that would make them happy. Compromises can reduce potential tension between you and your children. Compromises also let children know that you respect them and value their choices; you did not say "no" completely—you offered an alternative. Be careful, though, not to make your compromises appear like bribes. An example of compromising is saying, "We can't go to the movies this weekend, but how about popcorn and movie night (or other pleasant activity) at home?"

_Family meetings_ allow children to contribute to the process of growing up when they have reached the age of rational thinking (about eight years old). The meeting involves everyone gathering to define any outstanding issues that members of the family may have and distributing chores, defining allowances, defining rules and routines, setting vacation plans, settling new problems, and discussing community projects or humanitarian needs. The family meeting can also be an occasion to define your children's privileges, as recognition of their appropriate behaviors and your trust in them. One of the parents acts as the chairperson but, when children are older and self-controlled, they may take that position. One at a time, each person voices or writes down the topics he or she wants to discuss. Each topic is then discussed with everyone's participation, moderated by the chairperson. Ultimately, parents make the final decision. The meeting can occur every one to three weeks, or sooner if new issues arise. Here are examples of privileges.

\- Visiting friends

\- Having friends visit

\- Pool-visiting schedule

\- Park-visiting schedule

\- Movie schedule

\- Cell phone use

\- Electronics time

\- Car use

\- Sports activity (weekly baseball game, karate, basketball)

#### Find the Inner Spark

When children are older, try to understand what motivates them and what gets them excited. This understanding can be used to help them behave appropriately, as their inner motivations are stronger influences on behavior than your outer rewards or penalties. This may mean exposing them to different stimuli and environments and exploring their enthusiasm, interests, and thoughts on various subjects.

### Preventing Misbehavior

After this long discussion of techniques to encourage and discourage behaviors, it is worth considering common reasons for misbehavior and how they can be avoided.

One of the principle reasons for misbehaviors is that children do not feel important or are not in charge of their lives. This can be corrected by giving children responsibility and getting them involved in their own routines **as soon as their development allows** and as often as circumstances permit. Do not dress them, feed them, or bathe them if they can do these activities themselves, no matter how poorly. Allow them to take charge here. Get children involved **as soon as possible** in the workings of the family, such as setting the table, cooking, laundry, and cleaning; then, express your appreciation for their contribution. (Activities will take longer, but the time invested now will reduce the time used in discipline later.) And avoid nagging or reminding as much as possible; let them experience the natural consequences of their actions or inaction (even if you have to "invent" those natural consequences).

A related reason for misbehavior is not feeling respected. Children's resultant hostility is displayed as misbehavior to fight parents for respect or punish parents for not giving it. You can avoid this be being respectful to your children. You still have to be the boss, but you can be a respectful boss. Don't yell, criticize, or insult your children. If you have to say "No," give a reason, an alternative, or turn the no-phrase into a yes-phrase. And consider compromising. Your willingness to give in, even if a little, shows you respect your children's choices.

Another reason for misbehavior is lack of attention. When you involve children in your activities or get involved in theirs, you provide this attention by sharing time together. Boredom is another reason for misbehavior ("I have all this energy but don't know where to use it.") If children cannot create their own activity, sharing yours will give them their needed relief from boredom.

The lack of emotional control is another reason for misbehavior. Use the techniques of emotional fluency, discussed in Chapter 4, to steer children out of their emotional minds toward their thinking minds.

Finally, another reason for misbehavior is that children have learned that it gets them what they want; in other words, they have learned it works. So, look at the messages your children are getting from you and others that may be teaching the very behaviors you want to stop. Then change your message. Children will stop a behavior if it does not give them what they want.

### Reasons for Failure

Parents may feel they are doing their job well, yet their children do not respond appropriately, continue misbehaving, being uncooperative or disrespectful, or feeling entitled. Below is a list of the usual causes and a suggested course of action to regain the children's cooperation and respect.

#### Causes

Parents can inadvertently act in ways that encourage unwanted behaviors:

\- Modeling undesirable behaviors

\- Ignoring negative behaviors

\- Walking away as negative behaviors unfold

\- Giving repeated warnings or defining consequences without following up with a penalty

\- Bribing the child into a desired behavior

\- Giving in to the child's demands

\- Being disrespectful to the child

\- Expressing low expectations of the child

\- Being overly demanding

\- Being overly critical

\- Giving harsh penalties

\- Penalties are perceived as harsh due to a permissive parenting partner

Parents usually act inappropriately in moments of desperation, frustration, or fatigue. But actions resulting from parenting misconceptions make the work of raising a child more difficult. They are unfair to children and to the future adults they will become. **Misguided parenting robs children of the opportunity to grow and learn the skills needed for a happy childhood and a successful adulthood**. These actions should be stopped.

For the young toddler, repetitively saying "no" and "don't do that," for behaviors that really involve a child just being a child, is wasted effort or teaches that warnings are meaningless. They may also stifle a young child's healthy curiosity and energy. Instead of repeating such negative messages, consider giving a positive one to entice the young toddler toward a desirable behavior: for example, instead of "Don't play in the mud," point in another direction and ask, "What do you think this is?" or "What does this leaf look like?" or "Come here, please, I want to ask you a question – would you like Jell-O for dessert today?" or "Come here, please, I want to tell you a secret – I love you." (These statements redirect attention and engage the child's thinking mind.) Use the firm "no" only for the serious and important situations, such as those leading toward danger or destruction, and then follow it up with a parental intervention or consequence.

If you don't follow up with consequences routinely, if you ignore or walk away from unacceptable behaviors, if you use bribery, or if your instructions are fueled by your own anger or disrespectful behavior, your child will have less respect for you and your authority. And the result of this lack of respect will be his or her uncontrolled behavior.

If you are overly demanding, if your consequences are too harsh, or if your child feels singled out unfairly, he or she will not be motivated to please you or respect your wishes. Or one parent's discipline can be perceived as harsh by a child whose perceptions have been twisted by the permissiveness of the other parent. In either case, such a child may become resentful and become uncooperative, retaliate, or rebel.

If you give your child too little praise or too much criticism, if you state your low expectations of your child, if you make excuses to others for your child's behavior, or if you remind your child of some physical, intellectual, or emotional weakness, whether real or imagined, your child will have lower self-esteem or low expectations of himself or herself. Alternatively, your child will act out due to hostility toward you or in an attempt to get your attention or recognition.

Finally, if a child is exposed to a caregiver who abandons appropriate parenting strategies by being permissive, he or she **robs the child of the opportunity to mature**. This puts additional burdens on the parent who applies appropriate parenting strategies. The permissive parent teaches the child to have inappropriate expectations, such as "I deserve what I want," "there are no rules," "all penalties are harsh." These beliefs make the child feel entitled and undeserving of any discipline. This, in turn, causes the child to become hostile to the other parent setting appropriate limits and defining appropriate expectations and consequences. Thus, the permissive parent damages the relationship between the child and the appropriate parent - children will prefer (though not respect) the more permissive parent. Finally, a parent who is trying to apply appropriate strategies, while having a permissive parenting partner, may become overly frustrated and enter "the dark side" of parenting (see Chapter 2).

#### Regaining Cooperation

A younger child (under seven years of age) will usually respond with appropriate behaviors once appropriate parenting strategies are consistently used, as discussed in the previous and following chapters. This section is intended to help turn around the behaviors of the older, more resistant child, who was previously exposed to less appropriate influences, and whose behavior is uncooperative, disruptive, or rebellious. But, if these recommendations do not help, parents are urged to seek professional help. Readers may skip this section if this situation does not pertain to them.

This section mirrors the stages of parenting discussed in Chapters 7 through 10: providing safety and comfort, and teaching subordination, self-control, and the values of character. Before simply starting the strategies presented, consider evaluating your child for an underlying depression, anxiety, attention deficit, or learning disorder. Depression and anxiety can develop as a result of prolonged disorganized parenting. And all of these disorders can make it more difficult for a child to respond to appropriate parenting and practice self-control over emotions and behaviors.

All adults who participate in the child's upbringing must abandon those actions that encouraged the child to cling to inappropriate attitudes and behaviors. Permissive parents must stop acting like servants and start requiring respectful and responsible behaviors. And they must be consistent in giving consequences for all inappropriate behaviors. Harsh parents must give consequences in a non-emotional way, and reduce excess emotions, yelling, and criticism, while being more understanding and loving. And all parents must be invested in the same structured plan.

The goals are listed here and discussed below:

\- Show that you are not the enemy.

\- Reduce negative emotions and comments.

\- Redirect the child's desire for control

\- Rebuild the parent-child relationship.

\- Rebuild parental authority.

_Listen, ask, and compromise (Chapter 4, Emotional Fluency)._ When a child is emotional or making demands, listen, ask questions, and listen again. Listening lets your child know that you are taking him or her seriously. Asking questions shows that you did listen and gives you a chance to confirm that you understand what your child wants, his or her motivations for wanting it, and any other related issues. (The process of answering your questions moves your child from the mindset of emotional thinking into rational thinking and contributes to rebuilding your relationship.) Pose your questions in a way that shares your feelings so that your child understands both you and the circumstances. After identifying your child's motivations and goals, offer compromises that simultaneously satisfy your child's goals as well as your own. However, do not compromise for the sake of giving in to your child's demands. If the issue is important, stick to your position. Give your child the opportunity to compromise instead by pointing out the consequences. This can be more successful with the use of techniques (previously discussed in this chapter):

\- Turn no-phrases into yes-phrases

\- When-then statements

\- If-then statements

\- Compromising to the least objectionable option

_Avoid emotional energy (Chapter 5, Positive Reinforcement)._ If your child makes a mistake, console him or her, instead of criticizing. Empathize and consider asking, "What can we learn from this?" This turns the negative experience into a positive learning experience. When the child has trouble leaving the emotional mindset, offer a quiet place to go where you can listen to him or her better. Changing the location or offering a bowl of chips or cut up fruit can redirect the child's thinking, from the emotional to the rational mindset.

_Practice emotional fluency (Chapter 4)._ Use the naming, normalizing, and negotiating techniques discussed previously to address your child's emotions. Replace snap judgments and reactions with listening and asking questions. Remember the three negotiating questions:

\- What do you want?

\- How realistic is it?

\- How can you achieve that?

_Give random rewards (Chapter 5, Positive Reinforcement, Random Rewards)._ Suddenly and without warning or reason, offer your child a treat (e.g.: fruit, ice cream, cake, soda) or a fun activity, (e.g.: bowling, walk in nearby gardens, see a film, home pizza, popcorn and movie night at home). Because these occur without your child's input, they soften his or her negative attitude toward you. They also model the behavior of being kind to others. After experiencing this often enough, the child may return the favor by being more cooperative.

_Define expectations and schedule family meetings (Chapter 5, Positive Reinforcement)_. Regular family meetings make the process of listening, asking, and compromising a routine. This is a time and place for engaging the child and scheduling the week's events, defining expectations, and prioritizing responsibilities and recreation. Allowing the child to have input gives him or her a feeling of ownership. If difficult issues are discussed here, they are less likely to erupt in the course of the week.

_Give responsibility (Chapter 10, Responsibility)._ Link required actions your child completes to privileges or an allowance. These required actions include the expected desirable behaviors for the normal routines of the day, household chores and a respectful attitude. Appropriate behaviors give you the opportunity to recognize and praise. Chores give the child a sense of accomplishment, membership in the family, and teach self-control. Chores and privileges can be defined at a family meeting. Make it clear that privileges must be earned. Consider the Family Economy discussed earlier in this chapter, in the section "Positive Reinforcement." Privileges should be described as the "privileges of maturity" and have been listed in Chapter 5, Behavior Modification, (in the section, Positive Reinforcement, Engaging the child).

_Share chores._ At the start, offer to help your child with some of his or her household chores. Or do non-chore work together, such as washing dishes, washing the car, taking care of the yard, and cleaning a room in the home. Your participation can rebuild your parent-child relationship. As the relationship grows, your assistance in your child's chore should diminish so that he or she takes full responsibility.

_Make routines._ Being unprepared for a situation can trigger emotions or inappropriate behaviors. Routines make sure that each day is the same as the last or alert the child to changes in activities in advance. This allows the child to become emotionally and intellectually prepared. For this reason, design a schedule and keep it visible. This doesn't mean that each hour needs to be clearly specified. An attractive schedule can include a space for "anything fun" or "free time."

_Share fun (Chapter 10, Respect, Laugh and Sing Together)._ As your relationship improves, ask your children what their favorite music is, why they like it, etc. Offer to listen to it together. Consider learning the lyrics and singing together. A joke book can make it easier to laugh together. Schedule a time for games (from ball games to board games) or any other activity where fun can be shared.

_Praise and encourage (Chapter 5, Positive Reinforcement, Praise)._ Recognize and express your appreciation for your child's accomplishments and behavioral choices that are appropriate. Remember to praise the deed rather than the doer. Make it a point to praise/recognize three actions per day. And remember to keep your praise simple. A child, who is excessively oppositional, may take your praise as clues to do the opposite. This degree of opposition suggests that a therapist needs to be involved.

_Keep your promises (Chapter 9, Self control, Keep Your Promises; Chapter 10, Respect, Be Respectful Yourself)._ Part of rebuilding the parent-child relationship is proving that you can be trusted. When you make a promise, keep it. This includes being on time for picking the child up from activities or places. Keeping your promise also means giving any negative consequences you previously referred to.

_Apologize (Chapter 10, Honesty)._ Recognize when you may have been inappropriate or disrespectful to your child and apologize. Consider asking your child what the consequence should be for your own inappropriate behavior. This can show your argumentative child that rules also apply to parents, rebuilding your parent-child relationship.

_Keep discipline simple (Chapter 5, Negative Reinforcement)._ A child, who has acquired an entitled or rebellious perspective, may perceive many punishments as overly harsh or inappropriate. He or she is thinking in a distorted fashion with an exaggerated sense of injury or insult. Keeping the negative consequence simple reduces this tendency. The best consequences are do-overs, natural consequences, and time-outs (in that order). Do-overs let the child practice doing the desirable behavior. Natural consequences flow logically from the child's behavior to the penalty, so they encourage him or her to use the thinking mind instead of the irrational, reactive, emotional mind. Furthermore, natural consequences are less likely to be an incentive for the child to retaliate. Time-outs separate the child from parents and the triggering event and give him or her a chance to cool down to engage the thinking mind. (Say something like: "It's time for you to go to your cool down spot.") Using a timer releases you from the responsibility for ending the time out. After the time-out, remember to let the atmosphere in the house return to normal.

_Limit electronics_. TV, computer, smart phones, etc. take attention away from the family and its workings. Limit the child's exposure to them. The amount of hours allowed per week using electronics can be defined at a family meeting. Offer attractive activities to replace them. Another option is to require the child to earn the time to be spent on electronics by doing chores or cooperating with family functions; or the time can be purchased with previously earned points or money.

### Summary

\- Prepare a list of privileges, rewards, and penalties to keep at hand as tools to influence behaviors.

\- Recognize and praise desirable behaviors and respond to every undesirable one.

\- Be consistent.

The list of techniques to stop unwanted behaviors discussed above and summarized below may seem long but can be simplified. For young toddlers one to two years old, redirection and do-overs are the only behavioral options.

For older children, decide first if you are a "born teacher/therapist," confident that you can think, talk, and act calmly and appropriately at a moment's notice, or if you are a "normal parent," who may sometimes choke, not able to quickly know what to say or do for every situation.

If you are a "born teacher/therapist," you can use your firm voice and authority, the _1-2-3 method_ , or _penalties_ to stop ongoing misbehaviors, and _natural consequences_ or _engagement_ for completed undesirable actions.

If you are a "normal parent" wanting to stop undesirable behaviors currently going on, turn _don't into do_ statements or use the _1-2-3 method_ (with its associated time-out/penalties). For undesirable behaviors already completed, use _do-overs_ and _natural consequences_ as often as possible when they come to mind. And if you can't think of a natural consequence, give a _time-out_ or other _penalty_. As your experience grows, you will be able to see the obvious natural consequences or invent natural consequences of your own, and then used them more often.

To prompt the start of a desirable action, use a timer or when-then statements. Prepare to give a penalty for non-compliance. Remember to turn _no statements into yes_ _statements_ as often as possible to avoid arguments and needless drama. As you gain experience, you will be able to use _engagement_.

Respond to arguments with the broken-record or 1-2-3 techniques.

In the preteen and teenage years, as your parenting skills grow and your child is more mature, consider greater use of natural consequences, loss of privileges, and engagement.

Unlike negative behaviors, which are approached when they occur, you have the time to decide when and how to use positive reinforcement for positive behaviors. Praise, thank, and express your appreciation often, remembering to make the words or phrases shorter as your child grows older. (Try to make it a point to praise or recognize at least three deeds per day, no matter what.) Occasional random rewards build a positive relationship between you and your child. That relationship will then encourage your child to have positive behaviors. Remember the power of your voice and words; a calm but firm voice communicates authority.

You can avoid triggering emotional reactions by using the following techniques: turn no-phrases to yes-phrases, timers, when-then statements, and the broken-record.

#### Techniques for Negative Behaviors

\- Redirection

\- Do-overs

\- Turning no-statements into yes- statements (and don't into do)

\- Natural consequences

\- Time-out

\- Penalties and lost privileges

\- Engaging the child

= Ask questions about the event

= Discuss cause and effects related to the event

= Wheel of Choice

\- The 1-2-3 Method

\- Broken-record

\- The Look

\- Fines

\- Non-confrontational jar or list

#### Techniques for Positive Behaviors

\- Modeling

\- Praise and recognition

\- Random rewards

\- When-then

\- If-then

\- Turning no-statements into yes-statements

\- Timers

\- The 1-2-3 method

\- Charting

\- Family Economy

\- Engaging the child

= Prepare your child for challenging situations

= Explain why

= Wheel of Choice

= Compromise

= Family meetings

\- Find your child's inner spark

#  Chapter 6. Parenting Stages

As you may recall from the discussion about childhood development and stages of learning in Chapter 1, children gain the capacity to learn specific skills at different ages. The table below summarizes the characteristics associated with these skills. (Adolescence is discussed in Chapters 12 and 13.)

There are six goals for raising a child, which parallel the stages in child development from the innocence of infancy through the tumultuous teenage years.

\- Provide safety and comfort

\- Teach subordination

\- Teach emotional fluency

\- Teach self-control

\- Build the values of character

\- Prepare for the transition to independence

Infants and young children need to feel safe and secure to reduce stress and encourage trust. Safety and trust create the environment for accepting parental authority (subordination) and parental guidance (learning). Once children trust and accept their parents' authority, they will be more willing to learn emotional fluency and practice self-control. When children have learned to control their emotions and impulses, they will more easily learn the values of character. When teenagers have internalized the values of character, their transition to independence is easier.

Though these stages are written in a certain logical order, they don't occur or transition one after another like the pages of a book. Starting any one stage does not mean that the child is in that stage alone. And starting one stage does not mean ending the work of previous stages. For example, while working on emotional fluency, you are also teaching subordination and reinforcing safety; when working on self-control, you are reinforcing subordination and emotional fluency, and so on. Moreover, for each stage, a particular strategy or lesson does not have a single purpose. For example, teaching self-control reinforces subordination and emotional fluency; using engagement to teach the value of initiative can reinforce respect, and so on. Additionally, emotions are a component of all stages, so teaching emotional fluency occurs while teaching all the values of character. Please note: the ages listed refer to the approximate ages at which most of the lessons for each goal are started, but they continue throughout childhood and adolescence.

Finally, the lessons involved with maturation are less like facts that are remembered and more like habits or skills that are acquired through practice. Like the steps of a dance, **these lessons must be repeatedly demonstrated, encouraged, and practiced**. Only after the lessons have been practiced enough times during childhood and into adolescence will they become habits incorporated into a person's character. It is important to remember that the success of a lesson is less about the intensity of the message and more about its **continued calm repetition**. And the term "message" doesn't simply refer to words. In addition to hearing verbal cues and explanations, children learn from seeing models of behavior, from hearing recognition and encouragement for their positive behaviors, and from experiencing do-overs and consequences for negative behaviors. Repetition and consistency are the keys to success.

#  Chapter 7. Safety and Comfort (Ages 0 - 3)
### Introduction

A newborn baby comes into the world, as does an explorer on a new world, unprepared and unaware of the rules that govern this new life and environment. An added burden is that the newborn's development is incomplete, so the newborn lacks the tools to begin its exploration: to see, hear, move, and understand. During the first years, the immature nervous system continues its formation, being ruled only by the primitive drives of reinforcing pleasure and avoiding pain and the survival-mode emotions of fear and anger. As mentioned previously, **the brain does more readily what it does more often** , and **the brain can think rationally or emotionally but not both at the same time**. Thus, it would be an advantage to prevent the brain from experiencing unnecessary fear and anger. This would encourage the development of calm and collected thinking, and make this kind of thinking more routine.

### Soothing

Skin is the newborn's largest sense organ; thus, it connects the baby to the outside world. For this reason, holding, hugging, and massaging are valuable tools to provide the infant with a sense of safety and comfort. Talking in a soothing manner, while providing these comforting touch sensations, will help associate the voice to the pleasure of a comforting touch. Later, the vision of a comfort-giving parent and other stimuli will grow the infant's collection of comfort-giving experiences.

Babies can respond with laughter when they are about two to three months old. Laughter is the release of tension caused by the sudden recognition that an expected threatening physical or emotional stimulus is absent or that an emotional or intellectual paradox is present. It's hard or impossible to be angry, afraid, or sad while laughing. Laughter makes us and those around us feel comfortable. Making sounds and faces that encourage the baby to laugh will continue its associated feelings of comfort and safety. The safer and more comfortable this developing person is, the less activation there will be of the survival emotions of fear and anger. The less often a circuit is activated, the more resistant it will be to future activation. Thus, encouraging laugher throughout all stages of life will discourage the development of anxiety or fear when stressful situations do occur.

### Emotional Fluency

Since feelings are expressed through the language of emotions, it's important to understand them. This understanding is not automatic. Interacting with infants from two to three months old will help create an emotional bond that builds the feeling of safety and comfort while simultaneously developing emotional fluency. As with learning anything new, we start with something simple and repeat it. Make simple noises with your mouth over and over, and imitate the expressions you see the baby make. Emotional recognition is as new a subject for infants as language is, so subtle changes may not be recognized. Therefore, exaggerate your facial expressions: open your mouth wider, pucker your lips more, raise or lower your eyebrows further, smile more broadly, and use a higher-pitch voice, which babies are better able to recognize. Use the feeling words _happy, comfy, sad, scared_ , and so forth to label the emotions you see and mimic them to continue the learning process for your infant and toddler.

Naming the emotions the infant expresses will start the process of linking the emotion to the word. For example: "You look so happy," "You look tired," or "You look comfy." While naming the emotion, express the same emotion with your own face and voice so the infant can learn from your imitations and learn to recognize the emotional expressions of others.

When the infant is able to move his or her arms, use your own arms to introduce tapping, clapping, and waving and imitate those movements made by the baby. This imitation will further encourage the infant's feelings of safety and comfort. You can also mix vocal sounds to match the infant's clapping or tapping, or vice versa, to expand the types of comfort-giving stimuli.

Initially, a child's pain is usually due to a physical injury. Later, after the child's sense of self blooms (between twenty and twenty-four months) and for the many years that follow, pain and its associated emotions can come from unsatisfied wants, loss of a material object, an unrealized expectation, or the experience of insults, failure, social rejection, and so forth. These represent a type of pain for the image of self and can result in negative emotions, such as of fear, anger, envy, jealousy, etc. The parent's role here is to name and normalize the emotion.

The third stage of emotional fluency is negotiation, described as a series of questions in Chapter 4. Instead of questions, though, children under seven years old are best given statements of values, followed by an acceptable alternative expression. Examples of such statements are "We don't throw or kick when we're angry," "It's nice to talk softly, instead of yelling," and "When you're angry, use words to tell me you're angry and why." For older children, use the negotiating techniques previously discussed. This stage can wait until the child calms down if the child is excessively emotional.

Providing your children with the opportunity to share feelings, followed by appropriate consolation for any injury, physical or emotional, gives them the opportunity to understand the injury, express the emotion, and then learn to let it go. As mentioned earlier, emotional echoes can reverberate psychologically and inject themselves into perceptions of self and life circumstances long after the event that started them has passed. Emotional processing - naming, normalizing, and negotiating the emotions and events - prevents the creation and persistence of emotional echoes.

### Self-Control

At some point, an infant may stop responding during an interaction and "zone out." That is normal and means that he or she has reached a saturation point and needs a break from stimulation. Learn to recognize your infant's and young child's saturation point, then provide a quiet, reassuring environment that will help him or her calm down. This will teach your child how to self-sooth and practice self-control while simultaneously contributing to the feeling of comfort. Interventions that help in this process include dimming the lights, massaging, gently tapping the back, making rocking or bouncing movements, or using slow or simple melodies or white noise (for example, the sound of a table fan). Parents of infants may be familiar with the calming effect of car trips, swings, and the vibrations or noises of a clothes washer and dryer.

### Self-Assurance

Your presence and demeanor are sources of assurance that the world is a safe place for your infant, toddler, and child. Yet, growth means that they must gradually learn comfort without your physical presence. Thus, when your older infants, toddlers, or young children go off to explore away from you, allow them to do so while you remain secretly watchful. Monitor them out of their sight to allow their confidence to grow, but keep them within your sight so that you can assure their safety (from behind a piece of furniture, door, tree, bush, etc.). Young children often associate direct gaze with observation, and they consider a parent's gaze that is turned away a sign of being completely unaware. So, don't underestimate the value of appearing to look away or seeming to be preoccupied with something else to allow your child to practice his or her independence and develop confidence while still being under your secretly watchful eye.

Self-assurance is encouraged by letting your toddlers and older children strive on their own. Let them do what they're doing without your efforts to correct, take over, or complete the task, even if they're struggling or are too slow. And, of course, when playing games, let your child win without making it obvious. When playing sports, don't use your size to overpower or take the advantage. You can help your children and toddlers experience success and victory during overwhelming physical challenges by helping them in a sneaky or indirect way.

Once children over seven to eight years old have acquired the ability to think rationally, they need to explore on their own. Assessing risk, taking risks, practicing judgment, and developing self-confidence go hand in hand. Many modern parks have engineered safety that is so obvious, no risks are perceived. This robs children of opportunities to develop skills associated with risk assessment and judgment. One community in the U.K. approached this issue by creating a "junk" playground called _The Land_. Various kinds of "debris" (tires, crates, old furniture) are strewn around the ground for children to climb on and play with. As unsightly as it looks, children playing there should develop more self-confidence than they would in a modern playground. Consider taking children to the woods, the forest, or other wild areas, and let them explore freely.

Another way to build self-assurance and promote the feeling of safety is to make your toddlers and children feel loved. Let them know that you love them through hugs and by picking them up on time from daycare or babysitters; never joke about having them sent away or being abandoned.

### Reassurance

As discussed in Chapter 1 in the section "Developing Mind," children under seven years old are very impressionable due to their combination of egocentricity, emotions, and irrational thinking. They are easily influenced by what they see and hear; and they can perceive themselves as the cause or focus of any event, even if they are not connected to the event. For this reason, it's important that young children are reassured as to their safety and the acceptance of situations they might, in their imaginations, exaggerate or personalize. Be ready to say something like:

\- "You are fine."

\- "It's okay."

\- "Everything will be okay."

\- "You are safe with me."

And, as discussed in Chapter 1, it's important to avoid suggesting to young children that any specific emotion is expected in a situation. Instead of "Don't be scared," say: "You are safe with me." (This is a version of the technique "turning don't into do," as discussed in Chapter 5.) Furthermore, avoid suggesting or dwelling on a physical or mental weakness, whether real or not, as this can cause children to express the weakness if it is imagined or give up trying to overcome it if is real. And in both cases, this would create a burden those children will struggle to overcome for years or a lifetime.

### Pain in Perspective

At about four to six months old, your infant will be able to manipulate his or her hands and crawl, and at around twelve months, he or she will be able to walk. These physical abilities will create new situations in which potentially painful experiences will occur. With milder injuries, your infant and toddler may look to you for guidance about how to react to these sudden discomforts. Learning to minimize the significance of life's insignificant tumbles and to accept or cope with life's annoyances are important skills that need to be mastered from infancy through adulthood. By presenting a matter-of-fact, nothing-to-worry-about demeanor during these minor discomforts, you will encourage the learning of those skills. Thus, **if your infant or toddler has no reaction to an injury, there is no reason to add your own parental reaction**. When you see your child fall or bump into something, he or she may look to you after the mishap for guidance as to its significance; this suggests the event was insignificant for your child, so ignore it. Wait for your child to have a reaction before responding with your own. If your child shows some displeasure over an insignificant event, give a short but soothing message proportional to his or her injury: "Everything's okay, you're all right, it's over." This will discourage focusing on the insignificant event. This does not mean ignoring all injuries, though. If your child is truly suffering, comfort is required. Being supportive and consoling in this manner instills the feeling of safety without encouraging excess self-preoccupation. This process requires you to learn when and how to ignore minor injuries and when to provide safety and comfort without encouraging self-preoccupation. When in doubt, though, put providing safety and comfort ahead of any concerns about excessive attention or spoiling your child, especially in the first few years.

### Summary

\- Massage the baby's arms, legs, shoulders, chest, and back.

\- Playfully imitate the baby's voice and gestures.

\- Show your laughter, and look for opportunities to laugh.

\- Teach emotional fluency:

= Name

= Normalize

= Negotiate

\- Encourage self-assurance by allowing some independence.

\- Reassure about being safe

\- Avoid suggesting weakness or disability.

\- Avoid excess attention to minor pains and discomforts.

\- Express proportional concern for injuries and distress.

#  Chapter 8. Subordination (Ages 1 - 5)
### Introduction

As cute as children are, as energetic and innocent as they may behave, they are still driven by their own selfish desires to satisfy wants and avoid displeasures. Subordination is the acceptance of authority and giving something a lower priority. Learning subordination means being able to put childish desires or priorities below those of the more knowledgeable and experienced parent. Only when children learn to accept parental authority can they be in a frame of mind that will accept parental guidance.

The role of subordination is not simply to make the child understand that parents represent authority. Subordination helps the child:

\- Practice self-control

\- Learn that there are rules that we all must follow

\- Learn that there are priorities

\- Avoid being overcome by the primitive drives of childhood

\- Avoid excessive self-preoccupation

These lessons put childish tendencies into the background, which will serve the future adult well. The need to subordinate wants and needs is part of a daily routine in school, at a job, and in professional and personal relationships. Learning this skill should start as soon as the child is capable of learning.

Subordination is the foundation on which all other interactions with the child depend. Therefore, it's important that this skill be learned. If the child does not accept you as the authority, you will be battling the child's will for years to come. And, as in most battles, there really aren't any true winners. The child will lose by becoming increasingly stubborn and fail to learn the skills of character needed to mature into adulthood. You, as a parent, will lose by giving up on parenting or becoming ever more frustrated, losing your own self-control, and perhaps entering the dark side. Finally, your special parent-child relationship will be lost, becoming a series of persistent bad memories and missed opportunities for growth and fulfillment for the family.

Subordination does not mean teaching the child to become a mindless drone. The skills to think through problems, take responsibility, and take initiative need to be cultivated parallel with subordination. However, these skills can only develop when primitive ego-centered priorities for selfish wants and needs have been disarmed. Here are several strategies to help teach subordination.

### Be the Boss

Teaching subordination means the parent should be the boss and should talk and act like a boss - a respectful boss. In the adult setting, few respect an overly meek or spineless individual. Children respond similarly to signs of weakness or failure to show authority. Thus, you should use a voice that signals that compliance is the only option when talking to children about expectations, when making requests, or when requiring an action. It's all right to be more casual and friendly during play, however. Children have the ability to understand your different roles as playmate and authority figure if you demonstrate the difference to them consistently.

Being the boss does not mean you should act like a dictator, but rather like a guide who must be in charge. After all, you have knowledge about the world, the experience of life, and the maturity to prioritize wants and needs. On every difficult journey, someone must lead the way, and it certainly cannot be the child. Efforts to encourage subordination should be firm, not overpowering. If discipline is applied too strongly, it may result in an ego-defensive reaction that strengthens, rather than weakens, the child's stubbornness and self-preoccupation, and may cause the child to retaliate against you. This is similar to the character of a fluid mixture composed of cornstarch and water. Press the surface of the fluid firmly and it turns into a solid almost as hard as a block of wood, but slowly dip your finger into the fluid and it yields like honey, allowing your finger to sink in.

Remember to develop and practice "the look" or "the evil eye" to affect your child's behavior without saying a word (as discussed in Chapter 5). Because these are silent and visual, they can be effective when verbal communication is difficult or impossible. Your facial expressions and gestures may then make disciplining your child less frequent.

If you need to discipline your child, don't take joy in the matter or ridicule your child. It is all right to show some disappointment but simultaneously say that you have confidence in your child to make the right choice in the future. Use the principles discussed in Chapter 5, "Behavior Modification," and practice using do-overs and natural consequences as your primary tools.

### Share Lives and Laughs

Sharing activities and joy strengthens the bond between you and your child, making it easier for your child to accept your authority. Let your child share in your responsibilities, such as cooking, cleaning, putting stamps on envelopes and sorting papers, as well as your hobbies and crafts. Then, express your appreciation for your child's help. This shows that you trust your child, and he or she will reflect this trust back toward you.

Share in your child's activities: for example, play catch, board games, or hide and seek. Make it a routine to read a children's book together. When your child is too young to read, you could read the book to the child while, on your signal, she or he flips the pages (rather than sit passively). When your child is begins to read, share the experience by each of you reading alternate pages. With an older child, you can read a book individually and discuss it together. If your child is watching a child's TV program, consider enjoying it together.

Sing and laugh together whenever possible. Get a child's songbook and recordings of children's music and songs, and use these to sing and dance together. For older children, keep a songbook in the car to encourage singing together during any trip. Buy the latest children's joke book and share jokes regularly. Consider starting every day or dinner with a joke.

This section does not mean to suggest you must be your children's constant recreational director. There should be time for you and your children to share, but children should also be given time to themselves, to practice choosing and directing their own activities.

### Yes Ma'am, Yes Sir

Certain expressions demonstrate respect and acknowledge parental authority, so they should be encouraged. Examples are "Yes, ma'am," "Yes, Mom," "Yes, sir," "Yes, Dad," "Excuse me," "Please," and "Thank you." At first, the words just represent a required routine. Eventually, the respectful meanings of the words sink in and, as they do, so does a respectful frame of mind.

Any time the child wants to start a conversation with an adult (in other words, interrupt the adult) he or she should start with a phrase like "Excuse me, Mom" and then wait. It's important for the child to wait before continuing and for the parent to acknowledge the child's request to say something. Waiting reinforces the child's subordinate relationship as well as the practice of self-control. Don't have the child wait forever, though, as if testing the child, because this could be interpreted as meanness on your part. Once the conversation between you and your child has started, it runs its course with the usual free exchange of thoughts, as would any conversation.

The phrases mentioned above should be used as often as possible. If the child does not comply, the parent should gently, yet unequivocally, point out the requirement, and conversation should not continue until the appropriate respectful expression is used. It should be required, reinforced, and applied consistently. A parent that uses respectful words when talking to other adults, as well as to the child, models the behavior from which the child will learn.

### Require Permission

The goal of the child's selfish will is to take control, and the parents' goal at this time is to reduce the influence of that selfish will. Requiring permission directs the power of control to the parent, rather than to the child. (In the child's mind, the egocentric "GIVE ME a cookie" should be turned into the yielding "MAY I have a cookie, please?") Permission should be required for many optional activities. Of course, going to the bathroom, getting dressed, and so forth shouldn't require permission. However, things like the start of playtime, the use of electronic pacifiers (TV, computer, personal gaming consoles), extra portions at the table, getting dessert, getting a piece of candy or a cookie, leaving the table after a meal, going outside, and, when the child is old enough, going to a neighbor's house should all require permission.

### Offer Simple Choices

In the first years of life, children have a natural tendency to assume independence. Providing opportunities for children to make simple decisions will allow them to express their natural tendency and reduce the likelihood of triggering anger from stubbornness in revolt. However, because the power of choice is made available by the parent, it continues to reinforce parental authority.

At about two to four years old, choices should be limited to only two options. Keep in mind that children this age crave the freedom to make unlimited decisions. Yet, their limited intellectual capacity and reduced emotional control can make selecting from too many choices overwhelming and perhaps frustrating. By limiting the choice to two options, it becomes a simple matter of choosing one or the other: "Do you want this one or that one?" As children grow older, the number of options offered can slowly be increased while you watch for signs of frustration, which would suggest there are too many options. No matter how ordinary or insignificant the situation, avoid asking very young children open-ended questions such as "What do you want?" or offering choices from among too many options. These open-ended questions or excessive options can confuse or frustrate children who are unable to prioritize their own wants or cope with too many stimuli. At the least, it becomes an example that children will expect in other, less trivial, situations where they will battle to take control. So, keep their choices simple, usually limited to just two.

It must be understood that the lesson of subordination needs to be reinforced - sometimes gently, sometimes more firmly - throughout most of childhood. A tone of voice that is more lighthearted, while still using words that are firm in meaning, may prevent power struggles, or it may not. Only through experimentation will you learn the best approach for your child. During your child's preteen and adolescent years, however, gradually pass more control to your child so that, while transitioning out of childhood, he or she is able to practice making choices and learn from the consequences of those choices in preparation for adulthood.

### Emotional Fluency

Toddlers may have trouble expressing their feelings when speaking in the first person. Dr. Gottman, in his book _Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child_ , suggests using puppets or talking about fictional characters to encourage a conversation about feelings with a toddler who is not ready to talk directly. You would introduce the puppet to your child by name. Then, start a short innocent conversation between the puppet (called Terry) and your child to build rapport, such as "I like your shirt, do you like mine? My favorite dessert is chocolate ice cream; what do you like?" After a few minutes, you can ask your child: "How do you think Terry feels?" "Why do you think Terry feels this way?" "What do you think Terry wants?" If you do this, you must keep your questions open-ended, without suggesting a certain answer or judging the answers your child gives you. This process can shine a light on how your young child is feeling and thinking. However, if your child is hesitating, acting confused, or looking to you for help with answering your open-ended questions, it suggests that your child does not know the answers and may invent answers just to please you. This means it's time to stop the process to prevent putting your own expectations into your child's mind.

Rather than trying to use reason to help your child through a difficult time, consider using fantasy. Some young children will accept it more easily than reason. As mentioned in Dr. Gottman's book, a mother gave her child a ring that she described as having the "magical power" to stop the fear of bad dreams. The child was then able to use faith in the ring to conquer the emotional tension created by bad dreams.

Older children will be able to use words to discuss their feelings, so continue the teaching process of naming, normalizing, and negotiating.

Keep your eyes open for clues suggesting that your child is expressing emotions caused by some event. Take the time to listen by sitting down or getting down to your child's level and hear your child out. Consider hugging your child during the process. Name the emotion and then normalize it by using phrases previously mentioned. Finally, negotiate the events by discussing (best in question form) what led to the emotions and what attitudes or behaviors could make the experience less painful or more acceptable.

### Summary

\- Be a respectful boss.

\- Insist on "Yes, ma'am," "Yes sir," "Please," and so forth.

\- Require permission.

\- Offer simple choices, usually just two options.

\- Teach emotional fluency

= Consider using fantasy characters

= Avoid emotional overload in the infant

= Provide vocabulary and phrases

#  Chapter 9. Self Control (Ages 2 - 7)
### Introduction

The elements of self-control were discussed in detail in the section "Self-Control" in Chapter 1. These involve self-control of the child's self-serving will that fuels stubbornness; self-control of selfish motivations and the associated emotions, such as anger, envy, and jealousy; and self-control of the tendency toward excessive self-preoccupation that can lead to arrogance or insecurity.

Impulse control is a leading characteristic of successful people. Success in life is often associated with declining or delaying a less significant pleasure in the present so that a future, more meaningful, goal can be attained - in other words, delaying gratification. Furthermore, impulse control prevents automatic, emotional, selfish, or possibly inappropriate actions from being undertaken. Thus, impulse control allows for a happier and more successful future, and a less hostile, dangerous, and damaging present.

Neither you nor children enjoy being engaged in behavior corrections or attitude adjustments. **By successfully teaching your children self-control in early childhood (two to seven years old), you will spend less time, energy, and emotions in later childhood correcting negative behaviors and attitudes**. You and your children will then have more time, energy, and enthusiasm to spend on mutually enjoyable activities. **After all,** **when there are so many things to do together as a family that are fun, why spend more time than needed in the unpleasant process of discipline?** The sooner children learn self-control, the more they will enjoy their childhood, the more appropriate their perspective on life will be, the stronger your parent-child relationship will be, and the more you will enjoy being a parent.

As mentioned, very young children are, more or less, victims of their developing egos and emotional reactions. Young toddlers believe everything in sight belongs to them; they have no social skills or concept of sharing. A growing list of likes and dislikes steers their attitudes and behaviors, while fear and anger erupt with little provocation and little control.

As young people grow up to take greater roles in family, school, society, and at work, their attitudes and behaviors need to adapt to the situation and, at times, must take a back seat to the needs of the moment. Self-control is the skill that allows that adaptation to occur. It cannot be learned overnight, nor can it start at some arbitrary age at or toward the end of childhood. I say this to argue against the belief that children must be allowed to express themselves freely to develop their spontaneity and self-esteem. At some point in our lives, self-control will be demanded. The later the practice of self-control is begun, the harder it will be to learn.

Self-control of ego-centered or selfish needs or emotional responses has nothing to do with a lack of spontaneity or low self-esteem. Spontaneity is a consequence of a mind freed from conflicting drives and self-indulgent diversions. Practicing self-control encourages the development of a focused mind that will be less likely to succumb to distractions and emotional impulses. Low self-esteem is a product of internalized messages or acquired thoughts of reduced self-worth. By deemphasizing selfish priorities, self-control reduces the preoccupation with self and, therefore, with thoughts related to self-worth. A healthy sense of self-worth is more a consequence of successfully navigating the external world of responsibility and accomplishment than it is the result of attention to the internal world of satisfying selfish wants and needs.

The "Marshmallow Test" is the term for a series of experiments of varying complexity that Professor Walter Mischel and others conducted in the late 1960s and 1970s. They investigated the ability of children, between three and six years old, to delay gratification. The simplest form of the test involved these children, one at a time, being seated at a table with a bell and a treat, such as a marshmallow, placed in front of them. Each child was told that the experimenter would leave the room and return some unknown time (up to fifteen minutes) later. The children were further told they could wait for the experimenter's return, at which time they would get a second marshmallow, or they could call the experimenter back into the room at any time by ringing the bell on the table, at which time they would be allowed to eat the single marshmallow in front of them. So, while waiting, the children had to decide whether to ring the bell and get one treat or wait longer to get two treats.

Some of the children rang the bell relatively soon, so they were referred to as the _impulsive group_. Other children waited longer but still rang the bell to summon the experimenter into the room, so they could eat their single marshmallow. They were referred to as the _intermediate group_. The remainder of the children, referred to as the _impulse-controlled group_ , **did not ring the bell and** **waited until the experimenter returned on his own,** which rewarded these children with a second treat. About twelve to fifteen years later, when the children reached eighteen years old, the scores of the SAT (Scholastic Aptitude Test administered during high school) for the impulsive and the impulse-controlled groups were compared. **The SAT scores of the impulse-controlled group were about two hundred points higher than those of the impulsive group**. The teenagers from the intermediate group had SAT scores between the other two groups.

In another form of this test, children were placed into four groups, (but the test was conducted with each child one at a time). Half the children sat with a treat visible on the table during the adult's temporary absence, while the other half watched as the treat was placed inside a container on the table, thus being out of sight during the adult's absence. Half of the children in each of these two groups were told how to occupy themselves while the adult left the room, while the other half of the children in each group were not told how to occupy themselves while waiting. They were left on their own, to decide how to spend the time during the adult's absence. Additionally, these children's parents were asked to describe their children using certain provided phrases.

Resisting the urge to eat the treat while sitting with the treat visible, without being told how to pass the time, required the greatest self-control. Less self-control was required, though, to sit with the treat hidden after being told how to pass the time.

Those children who demonstrated the most self-control were more likely to be described by their parents as "doesn't give up easily," and less likely to be described as "easily rattled or disorganized." Those who demonstrated the least self-control were less likely to be described as "doesn't give up easily," and more likely to be described as "easily rattled or disorganized."

Professor Mischel also investigated the strategies these children used to avoid temptation and delay their reward. These included: _distraction_ , either with a toy or physical movement, _changing the perspective_ by pretending the treat in front of them was something less satisfying than the treat itself (discussed in Chapter 10, Perseverance), or using _if-then thinking_ (discussed in Chapter 5).

These tests and their follow up show the benefits of self-control later in life and some of the techniques used to practice self-control. Certainly, self-control can have a genetic component, but appropriate training can make it stronger, and inappropriate conditioning can make it weaker. Learning self-control goes beyond simply being still or listening to parents. There are several strategies to encourage a child to develop self-control. The first, subordination, has already been mentioned. Other strategies follow.

### Be Calm

Creating an atmosphere of calm helps the mind stay in it's rationally thinking gear instead of the emotional one. This encourages self-control. As has often been written here, be the person you want your children to grow up be. This means avoid yelling and losing your temper. When you feel your temper start to climb, it is all right to tell your children that you are too upset to discuss the issue and will return after a while to discuss it. (Some may consider it a sign of weakness to admit to a child that a parent is getting upset, but it actually models behavior that shows the child it is all right to take action to calm yourself when angry.)

Richard Eyre, in his book _Teaching Your Children Values_ , mentions two strategies that kept him calm and that contributed to a calming atmosphere when his children's energy precipitated undesirable behaviors. One strategy was to praise and thank his children for everything they did right, no matter now insignificant. So, when high energy makes it difficult for your children to practice self-control, consider offering complements more often, such as for their haircuts or their choice of clothes, to direct your children's attention away from the forces driving their negative attitudes and behaviors. The author's other strategy was to suddenly start chanting "Ommm" amid the noise in the room. His wife encouraged the children to join their father in the chant, which they did. With all children distracted from their original behaviors by chanting in unison, a calmer atmosphere prevailed. Both strategies prevented the parents from yelling and losing their tempers while simultaneously creating a calmer mood among the children. But any strategy can be successful if it draws your children's attention away from their self-centered or emotional thinking.

### Minimize Excess Stimulation

Very young children are constantly hungry for new stimuli and new activities. That is natural and desirable because that is how they learn about themselves and their environment and how they experiment with the lessons they've learned. However, that hunger for stimulation can overwhelm children's coping skills, undermining their own process of discovery and learning. Therefore, avoid excess stimulation.

Children don't need every new gadget to occupy their time. By offering them increasingly more toys or toys that are ever more complex, parents are putting children in the same situation as a starving man at a buffet: where to start, where to go? The young child is not in a position to say, "I'm full, and I've had enough." That is the parents' responsibility.

Furthermore, a more complex toy does not require much imagination. An electronic toy may have many stories, lights, or actions, but it still requires little more than hearing, seeing, and pushing buttons. The stories or display may change, but the essential features of the electronic toy do not. A carton, a box of crayons, or a bed sheet and chairs, as simple as they are, have the potential to become much more. **Creativity is encouraged by allowing children to use objects in ways not suggested by the objects themselves**. Furthermore, in addition to exercising children's imaginations, these simple household items allow children to advance their energy in an activity at their own pace.

### Minimize Tantrums

The tantrums of the so-called terrible twos are the result of the brain having active emotional circuitry before developing the circuitry for emotional control. Very young children will learn self-control from the responses parents give to the episodes of crying, whining, kicking, screaming, or lack of cooperation. The appropriate response depends on the severity and context, and parents often learn from experience what response works best with their child.

When toddlers reach about two to four years old, your available tools for managing tantrums are comforting, ignoring, and redirecting their focus. These serve less to douse the fire (emotional outbursts) and more to remove the fuel (your attention, an object of contention, or their emotional energy). Some episodes may require you to pick up, hug, or massage your child to redirect his or her focus. Other episodes may require you to ignore the tantrum and calmly walk away. Sometimes, there is little that you can do other than calmly wait for the episode to be extinguished while not providing additional kindling. That kindling is your attention, your emotional response, or the presence of some object. You can only experiment by selecting a response and observing the result. If ignoring or walking away causes your child to stop the behavior and then move toward you to restart the previous drama in your presence, your child is obviously looking for an audience (or victim). The correct response here is to calmly ignore your child. However, if your child continues his or her out-of-control behavior in your absence beyond two to three minutes, comforting is likely the more appropriate response. Sometimes, nothing but the passage of time and your own calm frame of mind will cause the tantrum to stop. Above all, don't get trapped into thinking you have to solve the tantrum, only to get frustrated and accidentally model the inappropriate behavior of being out of control yourself.

With your child's growing awareness of your responses to his or her previous behaviors, your child may try to manipulate you. The best response here is to walk away or ignore the behavior, unless it is inappropriate, dangerous, or destructive, which would call for an intervention. Experimentation and observation will guide you to the right response, if there is one. Whatever your response, it should never be an emotional one that could fuel your child's emotional fire. Neither should you respond in a way that induces fear of physical injury or abandonment.

Tantrums may also be due to intellectual overload or confusion. To prevent both, keep activities simple and avoid rapid changes in activities. Furthermore, when asking toddlers or young children for their preferences, provide options and limited selections rather than open-ended questions. For example, "Do you want carrots or peas?" is better than "Would you like carrots?" or "What would you like?"

### Prepare for Changes

Young children don't adjust easily to sudden changes in activities; some have more trouble coping with change than others. If they are deeply involved in an activity or location, a sudden change will likely trigger an emotional response. However, that is not a reason for the parent to avoid changing plans. When nearing a change in a situation, prepare children for that change by giving them a signal.

Examples of changes that can lead to meltdowns include stopping play to prepare for a meal, naptime, or evening bath, and leaving a friend's house, park, or party for home. For toddlers and preschool children, who have no concept of time, using terms such as "a few minutes" may have little meaning. To prepare them for a change, provide visual cues that suggest the change. Examples include putting on their shoes or placing their coats within their sight while they play. Your older preschool child can be told that when you bring the coat or shoes, it will be time to go; or "When I call your name get ready to leave." The goal is to let children continue to play while still being aware of the soon-to-be end, thus preparing them psychologically. The number of minutes between a signal and the actual change depends on your child - the younger the child, the shorter the time interval.

Another way to prepare your younger child for change is to include a ritual of saying goodbye to people, places, or objects before the change. Here are examples:

\- "Tell Mary you liked playing with her, then say 'goodbye,' and we will come back another time."

\- "Tell the playground how much you had fun, but it's time to say goodbye to come back another day."

\- "Tell your toy 'goodbye, I'll see you later,' and come to the dinner table."

### Encourage Stillness

There are situations in life that don't allow self-directed stimulation: the theater, movies, school, and so on. These are situations where the skill of mastering stillness (or boredom) becomes valuable. The ability to sit still and absorb the environment is an important skill. The best place to start this training is in the car.

Car trips, whether a short trip to the store or school or a long trek to Grandma's house, are ideal situations in which the skill of being still can be practiced. Car trips don't allow for leaving the situation or (until recently) turning on a TV or video. I recommend having an activity book (puzzles, word searches, etc.), reading book, songbook, and one or two other non-electronic games on long trips. Eventually the child will get tired of these, and that is okay. Sitting still and watching the landscape go by is an example of practicing stillness. I suggest adopting the routine of never allowing any sort of electronic pacifier (Gameboy, iPod, MP players, DVD players, etc.) in the car. If you selectively allow and then restrict such devices, you are setting yourself up for future battles. Furthermore, never order a car with a video or TV as an option since, once it's there, it can be a source of arguments for the duration of any car ride. If you do allow these potential objects of conflict, then you need to be prepared to establish firm and clear rules regarding their use and non-use, limiting them as much as possible.

Other ways to teach stillness include waiting, without electronic pacifiers, while parents get prepared to drive to school or other venues, sitting on a bench in a store while the parent looks for items, and going for a quiet walk around the neighborhood, (yes, talking is allowed).

**Self-control is an active, deliberate skill**. Electronic pacifiers in the form of TV, videos, and so forth allow the watcher to give up control of the experience to the device or, at worst, to absorb the energy of the actors on the screen. For this reason, these devices should be avoided in the early childhood years and for as long as possible afterwards. Furthermore, these devices should not be turned on before school or before homework or to relieve boredom. They should be considered tools rather than pacifiers or space fillers. TV programs should be selected in advance, and the TV should be turned off until the time of the selected program has arrived. Finally, no child or young teen (under fifteen years old) should have a TV, video game console, or computer in his or her bedroom. These devices are for recreation and should be placed in a common recreational area of the home where they can be shared and their use monitored.

The environment, the time of day, and the child's age and maturity must be considered when taking the child to venues that require self-control or stillness. It would be unrealistic to expect a two-year-old to sit quietly through an opera, play, or formal dinner. And, unless experience has shown that exercise wears the child out, it would be unrealistic to take the child to a gym before a nap or sleep.

### Define Limits

Defining limits means defining the rules of what, where, when, and how long, which govern behavior. This occurs at an age (beginning around three to four years old) when children can understand the concept of time and place and the connection between behaviors and consequences. Examples of limits include your child can play with crayons only in a certain room; playing with a friend only at a certain time of day, cleaning up after one activity before starting another, and not talking loudly.

Aggressive behavior at two to three years old is best dealt with by removing the stimulus for that aggression while using words to describe the correct response. Be sure to model a non-aggressive temperament. Also, consider if aggression is an indicator of an unmet emotional need. Perhaps the child is asking for more attention, responsibility, or control in his or her life. Beyond age three, aggression suggests the need to learn appropriate alternative responses using emotional fluency. But repeated or extreme aggression can also be a sign of a potentially serious issue at home, in school, or in the neighborhood that needs to be investigated.

Rules are best absorbed if they are made routine. Therefore, be consistent by applying the rules the same way from day to day. And apply them consistently in the different households in which your children may be living. Like dancing, repetition leads to learning.

### Encourage Kindness

Kindness is behaving in a way that directs attention to the feelings of others and acting for their benefit. Since self-interest is a basic feature of early mental development, any action that puts the interest of others under the spotlight of the child's attention will help limit excessive attention to the self. Furthermore, kindness requires the skill of empathy - the awareness and understanding of the feelings of others. Since we are social beings, this skill will aid in all relationships.

Encourage sharing when toddlers and young children have disagreements over ownership of things. Additionally, praise them when they demonstrate sharing. Be aware that, due to the limitations of their development, toddlers have difficulty sharing and socializing.

Toddler development, as mentioned several times already, involves a phase of selfishness. Thus, toddlers view the world in terms of "me" or "mine." Sharing and playing with others is initially impossible. This inability to share is represented by toddlers' and preschoolers' style of parallel play, as previously mentioned. Initially, they can only cope with one playmate at a time, then, their social skills gradually mature to the level of interactive play with multiple playmates. Their reduced social skills at the start may cause them to say things that seem out of context in the adult world: "You're not my friend anymore," "I don't like you anymore," or simply "Go away." Because they don't understand their own thoughts and feelings, this is just their way of saying, "I've reached the limit of my social skills," or "I can't cope with any more people in my space." As a parent, consider offering the child alternate expressions for the same sentiment, such as "It seems you're happy just playing with Tommy; maybe you can tell Jane you might play with her later" or "Maybe telling Jane you might play with her later won't hurt her feelings."

### Emotional Fluency

As discussed in a previous chapter, toddlers and very young children have trouble expressing their feelings when speaking in the first person ("I" or "me"). Use the same strategies (puppets, fictional characters) for emotional fluency, as previously mentioned in Chapter 4 for this age group. Older children will be able to use words, so continue the teaching process of naming, normalizing, and negotiating.

Keep your eyes open to see if your child is showing emotions that may need to be discussed or expressed. Don't try to see what isn't there. In other words, only discuss emotions that are actually taking place. Take the time to listen by sitting down or getting down to the child's level and hearing the child out. Consider holding the child in a hug during the process. Name the emotion, and then normalize it by using phrases previously discussed. Finally, negotiate (with children over about four or five years old) by discussing the events in question form: ask what led to the emotional reaction and what attitudes or behaviors could make the experience less painful or more acceptable. Keep it simple for children under seven or eight years old.

### Keep Your Promises

Trust was a factor Professor Mischel found that encouraged children to develop self-control. If children are told that some treat will be had in the future for their action or sacrifice in the present, they should actually get that promised treat. Trust that is not betrayed proves to children that their hope was not misplaced and contributes to their future self-control. Thus, when you make a promise to your children, keep it so that you never lose their trust.

### Summary

\- Minimize tantrums.

\- Prepare for changes

\- Minimize excess stimulation.

\- Define limits.

\- Encourage kindness.

\- Teach emotional fluency.

\- Keep your promises.

#  Chapter 10. Values (Ages 3 - 18)
### Introduction

Values are the traits and attitudes that are considered positive because they result in a well-adjusted individual who can, by any measure, form mature relationships, be prepared for life's challenges, and be happy. There are many such values, but a handful stand out as pillars of good character for a lifetime. These are self-control, respect, responsibility, initiative, backbone, perseverance, honesty, caring, tolerance, and fairness. Self-control has already been discussed and is an essential element of the other traits. Thus, reinforcing the other traits will also reinforce self-control. When cultivating the values that are discussed below, apply the principles and methods of emotional fluency and behavior modification previously discussed when needed.

### Teaching Values

Teaching some values involves letting your child's natural positive tendencies flourish. Such is the case with curiosity and imagination. Teaching other values involves overcoming your child's self-centered focus as well as teaching what is and is not acceptable in modern life and society. Learning values, like other lessons related to attitude and behavior, is not the acquisition of facts. Like learning the steps of a dance, character building is the practicing of skills that need to be done again and again until those skills become the automatic habits of your child's attitudes and behavior.

Your own behavior is the most important factor that influences your child's behavior. **Children are more likely to repeat your actions than your advice**. Thus, be the person you wish your children to grow up to be. This can be difficult. Adults continuously use their understanding of the varying degrees of appropriate behaviors in life to adjust their own choices. Children, however, see the world as fully one thing or fully another, completely right or completely wrong; they are unaware of the many shades in between. Avoid presenting confusing or conflicting messages by compromising the principles of fully appropriate behavior.

The book _Teaching Your Children Values_ by Linda and Richard Eyre is an excellent resource. The authors subdivide some of the values discussed here. For example, they divided caring into love and kindness; and they separate fairness into unselfishness and justice; and they add chastity. The authors designed their chapters in such a way as to teach one of their twelve values every month for twelve months. The authors' suggestions are included in the relevant sections below.

### Respect

Respect is the value your children hold for you as a person; it reflects their yielding acceptance of your parental authority. Children's egocentricity limits their attention and priorities to their own needs and wants. Thus, respect is not a natural consequence of childhood. It must be taught and nurtured.

The respect your children develop for you will make your job easier when teaching the other elements of character. And that respect will influence your children when competing motivations try to influence their decisions and actions, for example, when friends tempt them to take part in inappropriate activities. Furthermore, respect for you will grow to be respect for others, which is the foundation of many values like: responsibility, honesty, caring, tolerance, and fairness. The sooner respect is taught the less challenging parenting will be, and the more fun you will have as a family. Here are several strategies to build respect.

#### Be Respectful Yourself

The most important element of building respect is the parents' own behavior. Thus, avoid the use of derogatory terms or vulgar language in general or directed at others. Think of the feelings of others and practice peaceful and rational ways to settle disagreements. Finally, be respectful to your child as well as to other adults. Say "Please," "Thank you," "Pardon me," and "I'm sorry" where you would want to your child to do the same.

Listening to your children shows that you respect them and what they are saying. Several signals demonstrate your attention is on your child. _Look_ at your children eye to eye. _Listen_ carefully to their words. Then _repeat_ those words back to them.

For example: (C stands for the child, P for the parent.)

C: "The kids at school are mean to me."

P: "So, _the kids are mean_."

C: "Yes and . . ."

Even when you have to change the course of the discussion, you can still use this technique:

C: "I don't want to leave the playground."

P: "I understand _you don't want to leave_ , but we need to go home and prepare dinner."

Do not use negative words, criticize, embarrass, or shame your child. You can define a specific behavior as inappropriate, unwanted, destructive, and so forth, but not your child. Furthermore, if your children use negative terms to describe themselves, (such as "I'm no good," "I'm dumb"), take action to increase their self-esteem. For example, make a list of their positive traits, praise their efforts often, and give your children tasks and responsibilities that you know they can accomplish. The fact that you trusted them with these tasks will further enhance their self-esteem.

Additionally, don't intrude on your child's process of learning about life. As previously mentioned, children learn by experiencing the consequences of their actions and lack of action. If the situation is trivial, do not give warnings or directions in an attempt to try to save your children from themselves, unless, of course, safety is a concern. Unnecessary warnings rob children of the opportunity of practicing making judgments and assessing risks. If your child has matured beyond the level of the warnings or directions, such statements about the obvious will give your child a reason to feel insulted, annoyed, embarrassed, or incompetent.

Furthermore, do not try to rescue your child unnecessarily. Do not fight his or her battles with peers. You can encourage children to resolve their differences by statements such as "If you can't resolve this soon, I will get involved," or "If I get involved in your fight, neither of you will like it, so find a solution." Don't rush to interfere when children argue or when a teacher gives your child a perceived unfair grade or punishment. In the latter situation, a private meeting with the teacher to understand the circumstances is more appropriate. Rescuing can cause children to become adults who are intolerant of minor annoyances, avoid taking responsibility, push their own responsibilities onto others, or who always feel the need to be rescued from life's challenges and irritations. The impulse to make the situation "fair" or to "help" your child in a circumstance must be balanced with the process of fostering tolerance, self-respect, self-confidence, and self-reliance.

#### Be the Boss

Whether involving children or adults, it's difficult to have respect for a spineless, overly indirect, sidestepping, or appeasing individual. If someone acts like a pushover, he or she will be treated like a pushover. Thus, to project your requirement for respect, you should talk with the voice of authority. As often as possible, talk to your child as a **respectful** employer would to an employee. When making requests, use a tone of voice that suggests compliance is the only option. Of course, you can use a relaxed voice and manner during play and consolation, but outside these situations, return to the authoritative voice. Children are perceptive and your child will learn and understand the differences. Remember, no disrespectful act should be ignored. When witnessing a disrespectful gesture, voice, or word, you must require a do-over or give a consequence. Use the principles and techniques of emotional fluency and behavior modification where appropriate.

#### Share Your Child's World

This was discussed in Chapter 8, Subordination, as a way to strengthen the bond between you and your child, thus making it easier for your child to accept your authority. But measures to strengthen the bond between you and your child also grow respect.

Sharing your child's world is accomplished by physically putting yourself at your child's level, which often means playing on the floor, frolicking around, being a kid, and taking part in various games and crafts. Additionally, watch your child's TV program with him or her or share a movie or a book. (As always, TV and game consoles should be kept to a minimum.) In the realm of play, experiment with letting your child take charge, as long as his or her behavior is appropriate and respectful. Make it a routine to read a children's book together. When your child is too young to read, you could read the book to the child while, on your signal, she or he flips the pages. When your child is old enough to read, share the experience by each of you reading alternate pages. When your child is older, the two of you can read the same book separately, and then share perspectives about it later.

This type of sharing would probably not be welcome by teenagers who desire to keep their world separate from their parents. Sharing in regards to teenagers would best be interpreted as being available for them when they are ready to share their world or their concerns with you.

#### Share Your World

Invite your child into your adult world by sharing simpler adult responsibilities. Examples include putting stamps on envelopes when paying bills, making choices together while grocery shopping, helping clean around the house, doing laundry, or washing the car. As the child gets older, the available options increase. Besides sharing activities and spending time together, this also teaches that responsibilities are a regular part of life rather than an exception.

In addition to responsibilities, invite your child to share your adult crafts or hobbies in a way that allows your child to help you and share in your fun. This is a good reason to take up an interest or hobby yourself - to ultimately share it with your child. (Some children will feel more privileged and be more excited to be part of your adult activities, than activities they see as designed for them.) Examples include wood- or plastic-model building; toothpick architecture; gardening; photography; insect, butterfly, or bird watching; and crafts such as sewing, needlepoint, knitting, sculpting, drawing, and pottery.

#### Laugh and Sing Together

Another way to build respect is to share songs and laughter. Music and laughter help to bond individuals together. The car is a good place to keep a songbook for spontaneous singing, especially during long road trips. Learn simple songs to sing together while doing household chores or while on a walk. Consider adding dancing to your repertoire of fun musical activities to share with your child. Make it a habit to see the humor in life. If you are a quiet laugher, demonstrate your laugh a bit more than usual when your child is younger, so your humor can be seen and shared. Buy the latest children's joke book and make it a habit to learn and share a joke regularly.

#### Random Rewards

The parenting strategy of random rewards was discussed in Chapter 5 under the section "Positive Reinforcement." As an unexpected act of kindness, it shows that you care about your child's feelings and likes, which nourishes your parent-child relationship and cultivates your child's respect.

#### Quotes

Quotes endure the test of time because, in a few words or witty or clever phrases, they embody the essence of their message. Older children and teenagers can take inspiration from such quotes. Song lyrics and poems can do the same.

Without feelings of respect, what is there to distinguish men from beasts?

\- Confucius

Men are respectable only as they respect.

\- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A mouse cannot cast shadow like an elephant.

\- Charlie Chan

### Responsibility

Responsibility is the ability to keep obligations and commitments and to consider the potential consequences of one's actions. (Taking responsibility, i.e., owning up to a bad act, involves honesty and is covered under that heading.)

#### Empower Independence

Caring for babies and doing things for young children are necessary during the first eighteen to twenty-four months, and they make parents feel needed and fulfilled. During this period, parents get used to the idea that young children are unable to do for themselves and that "doing for children" is a fundamental part of parenting. This motivates parents to continue doing and caring for children far longer than necessary. Beyond the first two to three years, children should be getting involved in their own care.

As soon as children have the ability to do so, let them take care of themselves. This is about age two to three years. Give them the necessary objects or tell them what to do that needs to be done. This includes putting on their shoes and clothes, getting their dishes and cups, putting food and drink on plates and in cups, cleaning their dishes, sorting their laundry, putting toys away, bathing, etc. If your children can do it, encourage them to do so. You can tell your children to ask for help if needed. (This means you will need to make extra time in your schedule, as their efforts will take longer. And you will need to reassign your storage areas so they are accessible to your children. Be aware that a child is crushed every week by a cabinet falling on them as they climbed it. Thus, it is a good idea to attach their cabinets to the wall with a short cable that permits some movement but won't let the cabinet tip over.)

Your young children's independent actions will take longer to finish and will be sloppier. But empowering young children for their own care fosters a sense of independence, ownership of responsibility, and self-reliance. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that your children cannot contribute to their own care. And don't be so impatient that you rob your young children of learning to care for themselves, or prevent them from feeling like contributing members of your family. However, if children show frustration due to inability, help them through the difficulty but not the entire task.

Encourage your children to make decisions about the many elements of their lives: which clothes to wear, what foods to eat, which books to read, etc. Remember, though, not to allow the number of options to exceed your child's emotional and intellectual abilities. In general, the number of options should initially be kept at two. As your child grows older, experiment with an added option every so often to see how well the child copes with more choices.

Your role as parent in teaching responsibility involves avoiding taking opportunities for responsibility away from your child. This means you should not act like your child's servant, maid, or waiter. For the older child, be prepared to use phrases like those below. These phrases can be said in a playful or authoritative manner depending on the situation.

\- "You've got legs"

\- "You can get up"

\- "You know where the cups are"

\- "I'm not your servant"

\- "There is a fee for that service, payable in advance"

The power to make choices cultivates confidence and assertiveness. If the choices are not dangerous or destructive, allow children to realize their choices, even if they are less than optimal, so that your children can learn from the consequences of their choices. If children make decisions or take actions that lead to negative results, it is best not to rescue them from those results. If negative choices are made, don't lecture. Walk your children through the chain of events, and ask how different decisions or actions could have changed the outcome. Tell them you have confidence that they will make good choices in the future. When needed, use the principles and techniques of emotional fluency and behavior modification previously discussed.

#### Chores

The best way to teach the sense of obligation is to give it routinely. Chores are jobs that must be done routinely. Children are members of your family, therefore, they should take part in your family's inner workings. As your children's abilities grow, require your children do routine chores consistent with their age. These are jobs connected to the house and the family. Examples for a two- to three-year-old are folding and putting away laundry, putting away groceries, setting the table, straightening up the living room, etc. The lesson of responsibility takes priority over neat completion for the younger child. Your older child, however, should be expected to do a chore well. Most functions of the family are potential chores. It is a good idea not to give unpleasant or difficult chores, as they can be used as your "wild card," to be assigned only as a negative consequence for inappropriate behavior. If a child is watching TV while parents are busy working around the house, it's possible that the child has not been given his or her fair share of responsibilities

Chores build character in many ways. For example, making the bed every morning is a simple chore with many benefits:

\- When done with the help of a parent, it teaches cooperation and communication, and it strengthens the bond between child and parent.

\- It builds self-worth, because the child is contributing to the functions of the household.

\- It teaches discipline, because the bed is made every morning.

\- It teaches self-control, because the bed is made before other activities of the day.

\- It teaches responsibility, because the bed must be made to a specified level of quality, which should be easy to accomplish (or done over).

\- It provides a sense of accomplishment for the rest of the day, because the day has just started and the first job is done.

\- It builds self-esteem, because a well-made bed is a work of art.

\- It calms the mind, because a well-made bed makes the room feel more peaceful.

As children grow older, chores can be connected to a weekly allowance. Older children may be given the opportunity of choosing from your list of chores, but they should not have the choice to opt out. A child's birthday can be a milestone at which the addition of responsibilities and privileges are announced. For example, "Well, you're now a year older, so you can stay up thirty minutes longer, and you're now responsible for clearing the table after meals."

The importance of chores is independent of your family's economic or social standing, since character development is independent of social or economic designations.

#### Activities

Teaching responsibility requires that there be plenty of opportunities to practice responsibility. Examples include cultivating a flower or vegetable garden or taking care of a pet. Since these activities are ongoing, they teach your child perseverance as well as responsibility.

Remember not to rescue your children from their commitments. If you are doing what your children should have done, your services should come with a cost. That cost would be a fine, a deduction from their allowance, or your children doing one of your chores (real or invented) for you in return.

#### Praise

Encourage and praise your child's initiative and efforts a rather than criticize. For a child under about seven years old, applaud the effort rather than focus on any sloppy completion, since the goal is teaching the child to take responsibility rather than learning perfection. Certainly, teaching an activity includes how to properly accomplish that activity, but take into consideration your child's age and ability. Spending too much effort on perfection may cause frustration and detract from the primary lesson of taking responsibility. For a child over seven or eight years old, part of responsibility is taking the task seriously and doing it as well as possible. If a job is not done well enough, don't pester or lecture; just require a do-over or give a consequence in a matter-of-fact tone of voice. Remind your older children: "Either do it right or be ready to do it over."

Here are a few tips for delegating responsibilities, in other words, how to be a good boss. Don't mix criticism with praise, as the sting of criticism will nullify any praise offered. For older children, don't nag or hover; just define the job and leave.

#### Engagement

One way to develop responsibility is to engage your children in their own development when they misbehave or are irresponsible. Ask what they think a consequence should be for someone who behaved as they did. You may find your children more involved in their own development than you suspected.

#### Keep Your Word

An essential feature of teaching responsibility is acting responsibly and taking responsibility yourself. As a parent, you should own up to any mistakes, and correct any misdeeds. And keep your promises so that your children can continue to trust you. Trust is essential to your children's cooperation with you. As often stated, be the person you want your children to grow up to be.

#### Quotes

If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.

\- Abigail Van Buren

No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

\- Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

\- Theodore Roosevelt

Never trouble another for what you can do for yourself.

\- Thomas Jefferson

If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?

\- John Wooden

He who feeds the chicken deserves the egg.

\- Charlie Chan

### Curiosity and Initiative

Curiosity is probably the most natural of all traits. Curiosity and imagination come so easily to children that the hardest job for a parent is to not interfere with this natural tendency. Initiative is the readiness to take action, which most children realize quite naturally. But initiative can also mean the act of starting something new or before others do, which may cause some children to hesitate. (The previous section, _Responsibility_ , discussed empowering independence. Encouraging children to take more responsibility for their own lives also allows them to practice taking initiative. This is another reason to stop doing for children, so they can do for themselves.)

Be aware that birth order, age differences between siblings, and the degree to which siblings support each other will have a significant impact on the child's taking or not taking initiative. Here are several ways to promote curiosity and initiative.

#### Avoid TV

Watching television or similar electronic pacifiers requires passive acceptance of the action on the screen. Curiosity and initiative require deliberate motivation to keep them fresh and engaging. By removing or limiting exposure to TV and similar devices, you encourage (force) your children to point their natural curiosity and initiative in another, more deliberate and active, direction.

Certainly, there will be times when children will complain about tortuous boredom. Young children will need direction such as pointing to a set of boxes/cartons or taking out a large bed sheet, but parents should do little else so that children can let their imaginations loose. By keeping a supply of craft materials at hand, you will help your children to come up with their own solutions to boredom. Older children (over seven to eight years old) should be left alone to solve their own boredom problems. If children continue to complain of boredom, offer one of your own problems for them to solve. Or give them a household chore if they cannot think of a constructive activity on their own; then they will be more motivated to find their own solutions to their boredom.

Here is an entry made by a parent commenting on a web article's discussion (which I have been unable to find again) of academic performance and TV-viewing:

" _When my first child was born twenty-something years ago, I tossed out the TV. Our time together was instead spent on books, imagination, and learning to read, write, and spell. By age three, my oldest was unusually proficient in all three. At five, I added the study of music (which is all math) and the multiplication tables. Repeating the same teaching techniques with my second child, I reaped the same result of proficiency. Kids love books and word games and laughter and observing insects and stars. We lived in museums, wrote our own plays, composed our own music and had lots of friends. Childhood was a wonder for us all."_

" _In high school, when it came to academic awards, it was always between one of my children and (another child) ... best in Math for (the other child), best in Science for my child and so on."_

" _Once, I asked (the other child's) mother if she allowed TV (cable) in her home. Her answer was, "No. Our children have more important things to do."_

" _Fast forward to today, these kids are grown up and now, (and) VERY successful..."_

#### Let Children Be Children

Since children have natural curiosity, imagination, and initiative, leaving them alone with the simplest of items - a blanket, large sheets, boxes, paper, crayons, simple blocks, and so forth - will help cultivate their imaginative natures. Establish a routine so that your child is regularly given the time and space to freely be a child. Avoid or delay introducing any toy that comes with instructions or a rulebook so that your children can create their own rules and play at their own pace and direction.

Creativity involves making something from nothing or using something in a new and unexpected way. So, give your children the tools to practice their creativity. Save and collect items, such as large cartons, egg cartons, paper roll tubes, plastic bottles, crayons, wooden blocks, pipe cleaners, old adult clothes, flashlights or headlamps (for nighttime play), streamers on sticks, Play-Doh, clay, shaving foam, etc.

Have "campouts" in the living room or backyard, where the novelty of the situation and lack of usual furniture and electronic pacifiers encourage imagination. This is the ideal place to invent and tell stories.

When a younger child is overwhelmed or discouraged by older siblings, make it a point to regularly set aside a time and place where the younger child is free to play and express his or her own curiosity and initiative without the influences of older siblings.

#### Be Curious

Ask yourself questions and set up experiments that will temp your child to participate. Examples include the following:

\- Does the sun travel the same path in the sky every week or month? (Draw lines on a window for the sun's path during the day, and compare them week to week or month to month.)

\- How tall can a stack of pennies, nickels, or dimes reach before it falls? Which coin stack would get taller and why?

\- What would melted wax of different volumes look like if dropped from different heights into water?

\- How will the speed of a pendulum be affected by a change in its weight or length?

\- Will hot water or hot, salty water melt ice faster?

\- What color would result from melting different colored crayons together?

\- Experiment with different cooking recipes.

These are not earth shaking issues but rather quick and easy questions, activities, and experiments that can be done at home. Resources on the Internet can provide more examples for every age group. (Examples of search terms are: "fun science," "kids experiments," and "home experiments.")

#### Read

Read different types of stories and ask your child about a character or ask what he or she would do as a character within the story. Have books of different genres at hand for your child to explore at his or her own leisure.

#### Ask Questions

When your young children invariably ask you questions (for example, "Why is the sky blue?" "How do birds fly?"), consider asking your children what they think the answer is. **The goal is not to find the right answer but to stimulate creative thinking**. For older children, look up answers to questions (even if you know them) together in a reference book or the Internet. Your enthusiasm to research a topic may become a habit your children will internalize. Ask questions or point things out when walking down the street or visiting a recreational or educational venue. However, don't be annoying. Older children may consider frequent questions irritating or insulting to their intelligence. In this circumstance, consider asking questions that demonstrate your own lack of knowledge; children love to show that they know (or think they know) something adults do not.

Consider creating an album of pictures, drawings, or a list that shows each new item learned and the date. Then, at the end of the week or month, go over the album together to relive the discovery and the process of learning.

#### Require Three Tries

Initiative may require young children to boldly go where they have not gone before. But children's imaginations can magnify or introduce unpleasant feelings into new situations. Thus, initiative may require children to overcome internal obstacles, such as fear of the unknown, fear of failure, lack of confidence, or other initial hardship. These can cause children to avoid new experiences or abandon an experience after an initial failure or difficultly. Parents can help children overcome these obstacles by requiring three attempts, each a few hours or one day apart.

If children know that only a small number of attempts are required, they are more likely to start and repeat (a few times) an activity they fear or dislike. By doing so, they can realize that the experience was not as bad as they imagined. And children's capacity for rapid learning increases the likelihood that, after three tries, they will experience enough improvement in skill or confidence to continue the activity beyond the initial three tries.

Therefore, require three attempts when you want your child to start a new experience, learn a new skill, or eat a new food. These attempts must be _serious attempts_ , which can be defined, depending on the activity, by a measure of time, a number of steps in the process, or the size of a portion. Examples are: fifteen to twenty minutes of an activity, doing a certain number or pages of math problems before taking a break, riding a bicycle a certain distance when learning to ride a two-wheeler, building one or two walls of a dog house, and so on.

Depending on the activity, the attempts could be separated by a few hours or a day apart. The brain learns simple physical activities quickly, such as using tools. The attempts here could be separated by an hour or less. Complex physical activities, such as playing an instrument or riding a bicycle, would probably require the brain to process the experience overnight before starting the next attempt.

Requiring three attempts can involve using an authoritative voice or friendly encouragement. For example, you can say:

\- "This is something you have to do now."

\- "You can only stop after you've tried three times and this is number one."

\- "You will be happy that you tried."

\- "I have complete confidence in you."

#### Recognize and Appreciate

As discussed in Chapter 5 in the section "Positive Reinforcement," recognition and appreciation will encourage children to repeat positive behaviors, including taking initiative. Give recognition for every attempt at a new undertaking or difficult task. And express your appreciation for all those actions, which help you directly, that your children initiate on their own. Examples of such supportive statements are:

\- "That was kind of you to help your sister."

\- "Jumping in to help without being asked was very grown-up."

\- "I appreciate the way you cleared the table without me asking."

\- "Thanks for doing that."

#### Quotes

If a child is to keep his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement, and mystery of the world we live in.

\- Rachel Carson

Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.

\- Eugene O'Neill

Curiosity is the wick in the candle of learning.

\- William Arthur Ward

Believe you can and you're halfway there.

\- Theodore Roosevelt

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.

\- Theodore Roosevelt

### Backbone

Backbone (courage, fortitude) is the strength of will to overcome reservations, insecurities, and fears. And backbone is the strength with which we keep to our principles and convictions, to help us make the right choices despite temptations, popular opinions, or peer pressure. This inner strength is the basis of many values.

#### Praise

Praise, encourage, and give recognition for every attempt at a new undertaking or difficult task, whether successful or not, as the value was in the _trying_ , not the succeeding.

#### Looking Eye to Eye

This is a teaching tool mentioned in _Teaching Your Children Values_ by Linda and Richard Eyre, and one I never considered previously. It is true: looking in a person's eyes as you talk takes courage and self-confidence. By encouraging your children to look in the eyes of anyone they speak with, you will help them practice and grow their own inner strength and self-confidence.

#### Stories

There are many children's books that demonstrate courage or fortitude. Read them with your children, but also discuss where the fortitude shown in the book could be applied in their own lives (for example, temptations to cheat, lie, steal, use vulgar language, or smoke).

Just a few examples from history and recent events include: Galileo, who continued his scientific research despite condemnation by the church; Helen Keller, who, despite her blindness and deafness from a childhood disease, became a political and social activist; Martin Luther King, Jr., John Lewis, and the others who marched in Selma despite the threat of beatings; Rosa Parks, who refused to give up her seat on the bus for a white person despite local laws dictating where African Americans should sit; Bethany Hamilton who continued to surf despite loosing her left arm in a shark attack at the age of 13.

#### Trait List

Backbone, in part, depends on self-confidence. If your children lack this confidence, ask them to make a list of their positive traits. This makes your children's strengths more obvious, growing their self-confidence.

#### Quotes

The individual activity of one man with backbone will do more than a thousand men with a mere wishbone.

\- William J. H. Boetcker

Cannibals prefer those who have no spines.

\- Stanislaw Lem

Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be.

\- Clementine Paddleford

Fortitude is the marshal of thought, the armor of the will, and the fort of reason.

\- Francis Bacon

We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.

\- Winston Churchill

### Perseverance

Perseverance is the quality of staying with an activity or obligation until its completion despite obstacles or difficulty. Perseverance is an attitude that is taught, but it is dependent on your children's inner motivation. Make the process fun and interesting for the younger child, while the older child should be encouraged by the sense of responsibility you are teaching simultaneously.

As with other values, set an example with each activity you start yourself, no matter how trivial. Moreover, if the activity is taken to completion with your children's help, you will have strengthened your parent-child relationship in the process. Examples include doing laundry; doing the dishes immediately after a meal; cleaning a room, the garage, or yard; and mending a fence - all done to completion.

#### Chores and Activities

Once the task is started, it should be continued until it's done or some predetermined endpoint is reached. Allowing your children to take on and complete tasks by themselves gives them a chance to experience the feeling of success and accomplishment. This is important because success motivates children for ever-greater challenges. Tasks should not be so difficult as to rob children of enthusiasm. Chores should be routine tasks that are done at a defined time of the day or week. Keeping to a schedule for doing a chore goes hand in hand with doing it well and to completion. Failure should result in a consequence such as reduced allowance or an additional chore.

Consider signing your children up for music lessons. Music is an excellent brain developer, but different instruments require different skills that are developed at different ages. The easiest is the piano/keyboard, and it is best to start around four to five years old. Singing and dancing are other musical lessons that can be started at this age. Other instruments, such as wind and string instruments, are suggested for ages seven and older. Consider making music lessons a requirement, like reading and math. As much as your children may complain about their regular music lessons, **you can be certain your children will thank you five to ten years later**.

#### Design for Success

Encourage small tasks when your children are younger to ensure success. Each success will encourage the desire for greater challenges. Make sure the commitment is age appropriate. Perseverance is an intellectual skill best suited for children over seven years old.

Help your children overcome an obstacle by teaching them to _dissect it into individual elements_ or by showing your children the order of steps, each accomplished individually, so that they are not intimidated by a daunting whole. For example, a long homework assignment can be made manageable by solving a few problems at a time followed by a short break; cleaning up a messy autumn yard can be started by first dividing the yard into four separate areas that are cleaned up one at a time. The completion of one part encourages completion of the next.

Another tool is _changing the perspective_. Thinking through the negative or positive results of doing (or not doing) an activity, instead of just doing the activity, may encourage perseverance. "Thinking through" means to mentally live through the consequences. For example, ask your children what it would be like to sit after school, alone in a room while everyone else goes home or to a game, or what it would be like to sit in a movie theater with friends instead of staying at home to finish schoolwork. The essential feature is that children mentally visualize the consequences of their appropriate or inappropriate choices. Another way to change the perspective is to think of the act or thing as something less (or more) desirable that what it is. For example, to avoid eating a cake, think of it as a mound of clay; to be encouraged to rake a lawn, think of the exercise it provides.

#### Define the Commitment

When your children choose to undertake any interest (choir, a musical instrument, dancing lessons, karate lessons, etc.), they must show a commitment to the activity. That commitment is to be completed or continue until some predetermined endpoint is reached - no matter what. Decide beforehand what the endpoint that defines completion should be. Time is a good yardstick to use becasue its duration can be easily adjusted. The agreement between you and your children about the start of an activity should include defining an endpoint and some consequence if the endpoint is not reached. Alternately, if there is uncertainty about the commitment, consider defining a trial period during which quitting is acceptable. This is especially true for younger children or for difficult undertakings. During the activity, encourage, support, and applaud successes as well as your children's continuation in the face of hardship.

#### Accept Hardship

Part of the process of perseverance is learning to cope with hardship, overcoming obstacles, and realizing one's own limits. Hardships can be easier to deal with if your children understand that hardships are not a sign of inferiority but rather a part of the process of success. Encourage and make your children understand that **missing a target is part of the process of hitting it.** Even if your children's limitations prevent success, the point should be made that success was in the trying and persevering rather than in the attainment of some end result. For example, when your children are learning to ride a bicycle, you can normalize initial failures by telling them, after the first fall, that it's okay (and expected) to fall nine times before succeeding on the tenth try. Your children will then be encouraged to keep trying without being worried about or discouraged by failure. Furthermore, when your children succeed sooner than you predicted (as you secretly knew they would), they will have greater confidence and be encouraged to take on greater challenges.

Giving up is often due to excessive self-referencing or egocentricity. This means personalizing any physical or mental fatigue, pain, or strain, thus exaggerating any negative feelings experienced. To help reduce self-referencing, teach your children to keep their focus on the task.

Giving up may also be a consequence of children taking on jobs that are beyond their skill levels, or it may be due to not understanding the commitment involved. You should explain the implications of your children's stated goal and, if needed, offer a trial period during which giving up is acceptable.

#### Praises and Phrases

The words a parent uses become the inner voice that children hear in their hearts. Thus, encourage perseverance with phrases, such as "I'm impressed with your persistence," "You've worked hard," or "You showed a lot of initiative." And phrases, such as "Once you start something, you finish it" will illustrate the principle of continuing effort to the end. Don't nag or hover. A moderate amount of praise or to-the-point constructive criticism encourages perseverance; but lengthy or mean-spirited criticism directs attention away from the task and diminishes your children's sense of self-worth, their enthusiasm for the task, and their enjoyment in it.

#### Finding the Spark

Expose your children to as many different environments as possible to find the spark that lights their inner fires. When found, encourage further involvement by introducing your children to teachers, camps, and experts that might further their interest. It is the motivation, rather than the subject of that motivation, that is important. When your children find an interest and learn to be motivated for further involvement, that motivation may translate to other undertakings later in life. Motivation is an attitude that grows with practice. Thus, try to encourage any healthy motivation regardless of the topic for which it manifests.

#### Quotes

Nobody ever drowned in his own sweat.

\- Ann Landers

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

\- Winston Churchill

Fall seven times, stand up eight.

  * Japanese proverb

Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other.

\- Walter Elliott

Every bursted bubble has a glory!

Each abysmal failure makes a point!

Every glowing path that goes astray,

Shows you how to find a better way.

So every time you stumble never grumble,

Next time you'll bumble even less!

For up from the ashes, up from the ashes,

Grow the roses of success!

Grow the roses! Grow the roses!

Grow the roses of success! Oh yes!

Grow the roses! Those rosy roses!

From the ashes of disaster, grow the roses of success!

For every big mistake you make be grateful!

That mistake you'll never make again! No sir!

Every shiny dream that fades and dies,

Generates the steam for two more tries!

There's magic in the wake of a fiasco!

It gives you that chance to second guess! Oh yes!

Then up from the ashes, up from the ashes,

Grow the roses of success!

Grow the roses! Grow the roses!

Grow the roses of success! Oh yes!

Grow the roses! Those rosy roses!

From the ashes of disaster, grow the roses of success!

\- from "Roses of Success" by Richard M. Sherman (for the movie _Chitty Chitty Bang Bang_ )

### Honesty

Honesty is the quality of saying the complete, untarnished truth, as well as acting according to what is true. Another aspect of honesty is taking responsibility - in other words, owning up to an inappropriate act.

At about two to four years old, children almost routinely lie. They first learn to lie from the adults and older children around them. Examples of the lies they see are the half-truths and white lies used to spare feelings and prevent social awkwardness. Exaggeration, often done for amusement or glory, also demonstrates the practice and value of lying. Young children can't understand the subtleties of context to know the difference between lying and sparing feelings, avoiding awkward moments, or being entertaining.

**For children under about four years old, the blurred line between reality and their imaginations makes lying easier.** By four to five years old, however, children should understand the difference between real and imagined, truth and untruth, and they should understand adult expectations. Thus, beyond four years old, lying can be the result of your child wanting to appear to meet your expectations or to avoid a negative consequence for failing to do so. Or lying may be an attempt to appear smarter, stronger, or braver, or to feel needed or wanted by others.

#### Modeling Honesty

As soon as your children are old enough to understand (about three to four years old), make an agreement with everyone in the family that everyone will be completely honest with each other. It is all right to label some topics as "adult" or "grown-up" topics (therefore, not discussed with children), but otherwise, all topics and questions should be dealt with honestly.

As with other traits, the best way of teaching your children honesty is by demonstrating this quality in your own behavior. It will take a lot of care to avoid half-truths and white lies. Avoid asking your children to lie on your behalf (as when answering the door or phone). You should understand that even the most innocent of adult white lies would model lying for your children. And avoid exaggeration in front of younger children (under seven to eight years old).

Be aware that **your children don't expect you to be perfect** , nor should you think that your children's faith in you or their admiration for you would lessen if you admitted to and apologized for any misdeed of your own. In reality, should you behave inappropriately, apologizing to your children will actually strengthen your children's respect for you, and that apology will model how to take responsibility for one's actions.

#### Praise Honesty

Praise honesty at all ages. Since being honest often involves some misbehavior, make your praise for honesty stand out above your attention to your children's misbehavior.

#### Discuss the Forms of Dishonesty

Ask your children to name situations in which someone would have to choose between being honest and dishonest and to examine the motivations for dishonesty: for example, avoiding punishment, avoiding uncomfortable situations, wanting to appear better, wanting to gain something, etc.

#### Discuss Contrasts and Consequences

Sometime, the benefits of honesty are not evident until they are presented alongside their opposite. Discuss an honest action alongside the dishonest one, presenting the consequences of each. Linda and Richard Eyre, in their book _Teaching Your Children Values_ , suggest writing down scenarios of honest and dishonest actions beside each other, and then writing down the consequences of each below or on the reverse side of the paper, as an aid to such a discussion.

For example, divide an 8.5" x 11" sheet of paper into four quadrants. In the top left quadrant, write down a few honest scenarios: a planter is broken and child owns up to it; money is found and returned to owner; or someone takes an exam and does not cheat. In the top right quadrant, write the dishonest version of the same scenarios. Using the above examples: a planter is broken and a child denies breaking it; found money is kept; and someone takes an exam and cheats. In the lower two quadrants, below the respective versions, write down the long-term consequences of each of the scenarios, always making the consequence of the dishonest behavior worse than the honest one. For the examples mentioned, these could be as follows. A child who admits to breaking the planter has to clean up the mess, which takes a few minutes, but the child who denies breaking the planter isn't trusted by the parents or other children for a long time afterwards. Keeping found money helps pay for some candy or toy, but the person who lost it needed it to pay for food or another necessity. Not cheating on an exam may result in a lower grade but will encourage better preparation next time; cheating will discourage future preparation and may result in lower grades on those tests, and the student's wandering eyes may be seen by the teacher, who will stop trusting him or her.

This does not have to be a long lecture. Short presentations that occur every week for several weeks will be more beneficial than a single long discussion.

#### Discuss Personal Successes and Struggles

Once a week in a relaxed situation, such as while washing the car, at a meal, or during other time when the family is together, present situations in which you were faced with the opportunity to be dishonest and explain how you chose honesty. Ask your children to present their own situations and consider a vote on who overcame the most temptation. Give the winner an award for the week (as the Linda and Richard Eyre call it, the "Honesty Under Pressure" award). This can be a plaque or trophy that is kept in the winner's room for the week.

#### Keep Honesty Constant and Current

Regularly defining honesty as the norm can help make it easier for your children to resist face-saving and other temptations to lie. Praising honesty and acknowledging how difficult a situation may have been can motivate continued honesty. Remember, the words you tell your children become the inner voice they hear in their hearts. When talking to your children, avoid putting them in positions that could make them want to lie.

#### Responding to a Lie

When confronting your children about a lie, don't ask if they lied. Avoid shaming. You should calmly but firmly point out the lie, and then determine the cause. Possible reasons are: shame, fear of retribution, personal gratification or to gain something.

After lying, children should correct the situation and undo or reverse the action. Determining a _natural consequence_ to a lie requires knowing the child's motivation for and their gain from the lie. Look for a consequence that reverses the gain and is the opposite of the motivation. For example, if the motivation was to avoid chores, give extra chores. If the gain was money, it is paid back with interest. Repeated lying should result in behaviors that show trust must be earned before it is given. Examples include loss of privileges, being unable to visit friends and play outside, required to stay at your side or within sight for a few days or a week, and being required to ask permission for every ordinary and routine activity of the day. Requiring permission is a way of saying, "You have to earn my trust all over again."

Use behavior modification and emotional fluency techniques previously discussed to address the underlying reason.

If your children are under four or five years old and lack the insight to discuss motivations, a clear signal that "We don't lie" - repeated for every encounter along with recognizing and praising truth telling - may be all that's needed. But repeat offenses should be met with consequences that involve the loss of trust, as discussed above.

#### Quotes

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

\- Mark Twain

Every lie is two lies—the lie we tell others and the lie we tell ourselves to justify it.

\- Robert Brault

A true test of a man's character is what he does when no one is watching.

\- John Wooden

Character is much easier kept than recovered.

\- Thomas Paine

### Caring, Tolerance and Citizenship

Caring is the quality of expressing concern for others, acting kindly, helping readily, and expressing gratitude. Tolerance is accepting the differences between oneself and others. Citizenship refers to caring and tolerance at a community or societal level - that is, accepting and acting for the benefit of the community, which translates to voting, volunteering, and keeping aware of social issues.

#### Modeling

As with other traits, the best way to teach your children caring and tolerance is by demonstrating these qualities in your own behavior. Offer random acts of kindness, such as a hug, a small treat, or a fun activity. Moreover, if the random act happens to coincide with a day of good behavior, it will increase the likelihood that such behavior will be repeated. But don't offer rewards so often your children expect them.

Conspire with your child to do a surprise kind act for a family member, relative, or friend. For example, send a homemade card or gift or offer to help them with some chore or activity.

Forgiveness is another way of modeling caring and kindness. If children are genuinely sorry for whatever it was they did, consider forgiving them and suspending the consequences that you planned to give. It is important to voice this so they can know your thinking process and see your forgiveness and caring in action. As mentioned previously, don't make forgiveness a routine, as it will encourage the very behavior you wanted to stop.

In the process of growing up, children will often do something that is inappropriate, imperfect, and clumsy. Take their age, knowledge, and inexperience into account to avoid expressions of disappointment, blame, and anger. The seeds of intolerance are sown by criticism and unnecessary negative judgments, so avoid making these types of comments. When you and your children see a person that you would consider "different," ask your children what characteristics you and your children share and don't share with that person. Then, discuss which of those characteristics are more important. Often, those that are common will be more important.

#### Role Modeling

Have younger children pretend to be fictional characters. If you have one child, one of the parents can be a character. In Act I, one character is treated poorly by another. In Act II, one character is treated nicely by the other. Ask your children how it felt to be in each role.

Act I

\- Peacock: "Oh Frog, your mouth is so ugly."

\- Frog: "But I need it to swallow my food."

\- Peacock: "And your skin is ugly green and bumpy."

\- Frog: "At least it keeps me from being seen and eaten."

Act II

\- Peacock: "Oh Frog, you are always smiling"

\- Frog: "That's because I'm happy no one has eaten me."

\- Peacock: "Oh Frog, you are a strong jumper."

\- Frog: "Thank you. It helps me get places quickly."

#### Take Action

If something needs to be corrected or someone needs help, take action yourself.

\- If you see litter, pick it up to place it in a trash can.

\- If someone needs help, offer it.

\- Be friendly to someone left out at a party, ball game, or other social event.

\- Be charitable to those in need; some may be con-artists, but most need help after falling on hard times.

\- If your children see litter, someone in need or someone upset, or some other unfortunate situation, ask your children (if the situation is child appropriate) what could be done and, if appropriate, suggest they make their idea happen.

\- Consider volunteering together as parent and child. If there is a friend or neighbor who is elderly, disabled, or otherwise in need, helping the person could be a chore/responsibility that your children (or you and your children together) can take on.

\- When a disaster strikes the community or the world, have a family meeting to discuss opportunities for helping.

Expose your children to different cultures by exploring new areas in your town or city, eating at ethnic restaurants, viewing ethnic or foreign films, or travelling to foreign countries.

#### Praise and Point Out

Give praise and voice your pride for any acts of kindness your children show. It's equally important to point out any unkind behaviors, which should be followed up with a do-over or a consequence. And discuss the more appropriate alternatives. When witnessing acts of kindness by others, point them out. When seeing inappropriate behavior by others, ask your children what they think of the act. When discussing the issue with your children, short comments will communicate more effectively than long lectures.

Having pets gives your children the opportunity to exercise their caring nature, along with responsibility and perseverance. However, this is true only as long as you don't rescue your children from their responsibilities for caring for the pet.

Finally, it's best to limit exposure to violence on TV or in electronic games, as these can desensitize your children to violence or the suffering of others.

#### Quotes

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

\- Dalai Lama

Kindness is contagious.

\- Unknown

In order to have a friend, one must be a friend.

\- Linda and Richard Eyre, Teaching your Children Values

Never look down on anyone unless you're helping him up.

\- Jesse Jackson

Have you had a kindness shown?

Pass it on;

' _Twas not given for you alone-_

Pass it on.

Let it travel down the years,

Let it wipe another's tears,

Till in Heaven the deed appears-

Pass it on.

\- Henry Burton

We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.

\- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Kindness in heart is better than gold in bank.

\- Charlie Chan

### Fairness

Fairness is the ability to treat others equally, justly, and in accordance with ethical standards or rules. Within the meaning of fairness are the elements of fair play, sharing, and tolerance. The prerequisites for both are open-mindedness and empathy.

#### Modeling

As with other traits, the best way of teaching your children fairness is to apply its elements in your own behavior. When your children are treated fairly and see that you do the same for others, your children will be more likely imitate this characteristic. Thus, demonstrate your understanding of the needs of others and obey rules (even traffic rules). And don't be quick to judge, criticize, or offer unnecessary opinions. Don't blame or take advantage of others. When your children play or have a dispute with others, consider their explanations, discuss the rules in a calm tone, and then ask them to offer suggestions for a fair resolution. Listening to and looking at your children while they explain shows that you are paying attention and that any decision you reach will have been reached with their perspectives considered.

#### Reading

Stories can demonstrate fairness for very young children and relate those lessons to reality. Many books, often published in a series, are written for children to explore and demonstrate values, including fairness. Make them a part of your children's library.

#### Giving Opportunities

Give your children opportunities to make decisions for others. Examples include choosing meal plans, treats for others, a movie or TV show, or a game for the family. Sharing offers the opportunity to demonstrate kindness and fairness. The advantage of having just one TV, one computer, or one of any other desirable and sharable thing is that it forces children to share. Certainly, they may not enjoy the sharing, but their temporary childhood displeasure will be overridden by the acquired lifelong comfort with sharing. Playing games with your children and occasionally being the devil's advocate (e.g., obviously cheating and allowing yourself be called out on this) can test your children's understanding and application of fairness. Older children should know the rules of fairness, so encourage them to find solutions for their disagreements. You can provide children encouragement to solve their disputes with statements like "You two will have to solve this problem peacefully or I'll settle it for you, and probably neither of you will be happy with what I decide."

#### Quotes

A marble's worth a stick of gum or maybe even two.

What something's worth to someone else may not be true for you.

\- Red Grammer & Pamela Phillips Oland (http://www.redgrammer.com)

### Summary

Teaching values, as presented here, may seem complicated, but it doesn't have to be.

It all starts with building respect. Then, encourage curiosity and initiative by letting children be children and by encouraging their natural curiosity further with silly or fun questions, activities, and experiments you present.

Teaching other values is harder because it involves forcing your children to leave behind their childish tendencies. Let the day-to-day functions of a household provide opportunities for your children to contribute to running the household. Routine is the key.

Often, your children will want to take part in some extracurricular activity; you should encourage this to build perseverance. Consider _requiring_ your children to take on an extracurricular activity such as playing a musical instrument, singing in a choir, playing on a sports team, or keeping a flower or vegetable garden. Additionally, a responsibility can be done together, such as tending to a vegetable or flower garden, or, as discussed earlier, an adult hobby can be shared.

Opportunities to teach character pop up throughout the day: in the home, whether doing chores or playing, in the community while shopping or traveling, and from reading the news from around the world. Consider looking at the everyday events of life as triggers for teachable moments. And remember, the words you say to your children become the inner voice they hear in their hearts.

#### Respect

\- Be respectful.

\- Be the boss.

\- Share your child's world.

\- Share your world.

\- Laugh and sing together.

#### Responsibility

\- Give chores.

\- Encourage activities.

\- Praise often.

\- Keep your word.

\- Empower decisions.

#### Curiosity and Initiative

\- Avoid TV.

\- Give children a chance to be children.

\- Ask questions - silly and not so silly.

\- Be curious yourself.

\- Read and offer opportunities to read.

\- Require three tries.

\- Give recognition.

\- Express your appreciation for tasks initiated.

#### Backbone

\- Praise.

\- Look eye to eye.

\- Read stories.

\- Create a trait list.

#### Perseverance

\- Give chores.

\- Design for success.

\- Define the commitment.

\- Accept hardship.

\- Recognize and encourage often, and use empowering phrases.

\- Find your child's inner spark.

#### Honesty and Trustworthiness

\- Be a role model.

\- Praise honesty when it happens.

\- Respond to the lie:

= Give a logical consequence.

= Require asking permission.

= Suspend privileges.

#### Caring, Tolerance, and Citizenship

\- Be a role model.

\- Take action.

\- Expose children to different cultures

\- Praise and point out.

#### Fairness

\- Be a role model.

\- Keep reading material available.

\- Give opportunities to practice fair decision-making.

#  Chapter 11. Meditation (Ages 4 - 6+)

Meditation is for the brain what exercise is for the body. It strengthens the brain's circuits for concentration and contributes to self-control and emotional regulation. Just as routine physical exercise is recommended to keep our bodies healthy, I strongly recommend that parents and children learn to meditate and practice it regularly. Mindfulness is the application of the mindset acquired during meditation throughout the course of the day. **The mind does more readily what it does more often**. Thus, by strengthening concentration through meditation, it is easier to continue applying concentration, as well as self-control and emotional regulation, for the rest of the day.

Concentration is strengthened by focusing the mind on a single target for a prolonged period of time. Concentrating on a single target inhibits other mental activity that is not involved with that target. By strengthening the mind's ability to concentrate, meditation prevents the otherwise automatic intrusion of immature motivations, distracting thoughts, and unnecessary emotions. This is similar to the steering system of a car. If it is sold and precise, it responds to the driver's control to maintain its course, despite the irregularities of the road or the power of crosswinds.

Parents who are already familiar with meditation can start to introduce it to their children when they are old enough to sit still for three to five minutes. This may be between four and six years old. Making your own meditation sessions visible to your younger children will encourage them to join, as children often like to imitate their parents; this is especially true for children between about 5 and 10 years old. Parents who are not familiar with meditation can learn from the instructions that follow.

Select a cushion for your children to sit on that is appropriate for their size, and have them sit in one of the meditation postures illustrated in figures 7 - 13. A posture that is both comfortable and easy to maintain for the duration of sitting is the best posture to select. Or they can sit in a chair. The hands are placed on the knees palm down, or palm up with the thumbs touching the index fingers, or on a small pillow in the lap with one hand over the other with the thumbs touching each other forming an _O_ with the palms, as illustrated in figures 14 - 16. The back is kept straight. The posture does not have to be perfect. The eyes can be open or closed, depending on which allows the mind to stay better focused. (I prefer to keep them open.) The best time to sit in meditation depends on your schedule. Common options are early morning, early evening, and before bed.

While sitting, instruct your children to feel the breathing movements of their body with each inhalation and exhalation – one breath after another. At the start, it may help to suggest that they silently label each inhalation as "in" or "one" and each exhalation as "out" or "two." After a few sessions, they may be able to stop using the labels and simply be aware of the movements of their bodies while breathing. This is done without thinking, recalling memories, or using an inner voice. Thoughts may pop up and pull attention away from being aware of breathing; that's okay. Tell your children, "Just go back to watching (or labeling) your breathing." Watching the breathing is done with the same impersonal perspective as watching a cork float up and down to the rhythm of the waves in a pond. It may seem boring at first but, with continued practice, the boredom fades.

To understand the "impersonal perspective," some adults may benefit from doing a simple task that requires impersonal concentration to get used to the meditating mindset. One such task is threading a needle. Do this about five to ten times in a row every day for about a week, and then compare your mindset during this task with your mindset from the rest of your day. Hopefully, you will see the difference and, once you understand the difference, you will be able to shift into it at will. This is similar to shifting the focus of your gaze or the gear of a car's transmission.

The world is so new to children that they pay more attention to it than do adults, so the impersonal perspective may come naturally to young children. Thus, simply direct your children to watch their breathing without mentioning this impersonal perspective.

Using a timer, sit with your children for a practice session of about one to two minutes to see if they are old enough to sit still for the period. Then, for the first session of meditation with you, set the timer for three to five minutes for younger children and ten to fifteen minutes for children about eight years of age and older. Increase the duration of meditation by two to three minutes every few sessions, up to about fifteen to twenty minutes as your children's concentration improves. However, don't require a duration that is beyond their ability to be still. Children over eight years old should be able to eventually sit for twenty minutes. The goal is to have each child feel comfortable with the duration of sitting; otherwise, the session will agitate, rather than quiet, a mind that may still be lacking enough self-control.

Just like going to the gym, any benefits from meditation occur when it is done routinely. So, meditation should be practiced regularly and considered a routine just as much as cleaning up after play, washing the dishes after eating, or brushing teeth before bed. Routine is the key for the child and the adult to accept and continue the practice, as well as to experience the resulting strengthened concentration, self-control, and emotional regulation. Making meditation a family routine will reinforce your child's practice as well as your own. And, just as with physical exercise, the more meditation is practiced the more profound will be its benefits. Consider gradually increasing the duration up to 30 or 40 minutes twice a day for older children and adults to further its benefits. (You may notice that you require less sleep, and the sleep you get is more restful.)

One may ask what focusing on breathing has to do with the benefits mentioned above. There is nothing special about breathing other than it is always available and rhythmic. Such cyclic actions are easier to keep under the spotlight of attention than subjects that are unchanging or changing erratically. The benefits of meditation come from the prolonged and impersonal concentration on a single target. Thus, just as repeatedly lifting a barbell in a gym will pay off when you need to change a flat tire or move a piece of furniture, routinely focusing the mind on a single target will help keep the mind focused and calm when the environment introduces distraction, chaos, or emotional turmoil.

After meditation has strengthened concentration, it is easier to stay focused on the day's activities and tasks. However, concentration can be weakened by certain thinking habits, so they should be avoided. These include: daydreaming while performing a task, making unnecessary judgments or criticisms, captioning events, reliving events in your mind, and talking emotionally or forcefully. When doing each activity, put all your attention into it with the same impersonal perspective that you used during meditation. Finally, don't put emotions where they don't belong; but don't try to control your emotions when they spring up from the circumstances of your life. They are part of life's experiences, but emotions are not as big a part of life as TV or films would make it seem. This is what practicing mindfulness means: attention to the moment at hand, avoiding distracting mental habits, and expressing emotions in the circumstances that deserve them.

# Chapter 12. The Teenager

There are many similarities and a few differences between adolescence and the years from toddlerhood through childhood.

At about eighteen to twenty-four months old, the toddler's sense of self springs forth. And as this sense of self unfolds, so do: emotions, social relationships, and a growing list of likes, dislikes, wants, and needs. The early adolescent years have been referred to as the birth of the second self. The adolescent has a new feeling of self - a social and sexual self - with renewed egocentricity, which has to be redefined. Forming relationships with other adolescents helps the teenager in this process of defining his or her new self.

The toddler, at two to four years old, is heavily influenced by basic desires that cannot always be satisfied and by motivations that may be mutually conflicting, both of which result in emotional eruptions. To counter these influences, the toddler and child learn and practice the skill of self-control. The teenager, exposed to new social situations, body changes, and the infusion of sexual hormones, also experiences the collision of opposing motivations and the associated emotional turmoil. The teenager must now relearn and reapply self-control to a new set of drives and emotions.

Having mastered self-control over primitive motivations and emotions, the attitudes and behaviors of the older child, from seven to eight years old, are less turbulent. He or she is able to apply a growing ability for rational thinking. With every passing year, the older child's mind becomes more powerful in this regard, but he or she still perceives the world in the simple, concrete terms of black and white. For older children, then, life is simple and they know their place in it. Teenagers, however, being able to think more abstractly, start to realize the world is a much more complex place with many gradations between simply black and white. Thus, they start to question previous assumptions and beliefs. The realization that life's complexity is greater than previously thought, coupled with the teenagers' renewed egocentricity, can cause uncertainty, emotional turmoil, and the feeling of being lost.

While older children, from eight to twelve years old, explore the world and are exposed to its potential dangers, they know they can always return to the safety and comfort their parents provide. Teenagers, however, are under pressure from peer groups, culture, and from their own mental and emotional development to separate from their parents - the very people these teenagers would have previously looked to for safety and comfort. Furthermore, in the process of separating from parents, teenagers almost automatically reject their parents' values, advice, and rules. In the process of separating from parents, who were their previous source of comfort and safety, teenagers can feel isolated when making decisions and confronting dilemmas alone. This is especially true for teenage males, who, like most males of any age, don't share their emotions easily and often keep their thoughts and worries to themselves.

Moreover, while the older child's brain is growing and developing more connections, the teenager's brain is undergoing a trimming of unused circuits, so-called neurological pruning.

Consider a builder who constructs a house in which each and every room is fitted with electrical wiring, plumbing, gas, cooking appliances, bathroom fixtures, a bed, entertainment area, and exercise equipment. Of course, not every room will be used for all these purposes. After the occupants have begun living in the house, the builder makes note of how the different rooms are used, then he remodels the house. He removes the unused appliances, furniture, and fittings, and he rewires and re-pipes the house to reflect its current use, making it more efficient and more economical. This sort of remodeling goes on in the adolescent brain. And, just as it would be difficult to live in a house while it is undergoing reconstruction, it is difficult to consistently think rationally during the neurological pruning of adolescence. Skills and reasoning acquired throughout childhood can become compromised as some areas of the brain become inaccessible or slow down while the brain rewires itself. Irrational thinking, poor judgment, risk taking, impulsiveness, and the feeling of invincibility are just some of the results of the teenager's intermittently less efficient rational thinking process.

Renewed egocentricity and self-consciousness, a new body with associated sexual and social tensions, reduced emotional control, compromised rational thinking, and separating from the safety and comfort of parents, all explain the attitudes and behaviors seen in adolescents. To help these teenagers negotiate the teenage years, parents can apply some of the strategies used in earlier years, but other strategies are needed as well.

In contrast to the above, Dr. Robert Epstein, a research psychologist and author, wrote the following in a blog (see bibliography) to support his assertion that the teenager's brain, of itself, is not prone to the degree of turmoil seen in Western culture.

" _There is actually not a shred of credible evidence to support the recent claim that irresponsible behavior by teens is caused by properties of the developing brain. This is clear for three reasons."_

" _First, anthropological studies show that the kind of turmoil we see in teens in many Western countries is almost entirely absent in more than a hundred cultures around the world; if teen turmoil were the inevitable product of the developing brain, we would see such turmoil everywhere, but we do not."_

" _Second, the fact that the teen brain differs in some respects from that of young children and older adults tells us nothing at all about the_ _causes_ _of teen turmoil. Difference alone reveals nothing about causation; the brain scientists who have claimed otherwise have mistakenly connected the differences they see in teen brains with cultural biases about the dysfunctional teen, thus improperly drawing conclusions about causation from a mere correlation—the kind of blatant error students are typically warned about during their very first year of university training."_

" _Third, environmental events alter brain chemistry and structure; thus, some characteristics of the teen brain may actually be the_ _result_ _of the bizarre lifestyle that we force our teens to live rather than the cause of that lifestyle."_

" _Recent research suggests that teens who are prone to take risks may actually have brains that are more mature in some respects than the brains of more passive teens. Research also suggests that many of the most troublesome teens are actually natural leaders who, understandably, don't like being treated like children. My own research suggests that the problems we see among Western teens are entirely the result two recent social phenomena: first, we_ _infantilize_ _teens –that is, treat them like young children—long after puberty, no matter how capable or mature they may be as individuals; second, we_ _isolate_ _teens from responsible adults, trapping them in the bizarre, media-controlled world of their peers. My most recent research also suggests that about a third of our under-eighteen teens are more competent than the median adult across a wide range of adult abilities—and, notably, that adults dramatically underestimate the competence of teens. No wonder so many of our teens are angry or depressed. You would be too if you were held back against your will and demeaned on a daily basis."_

Dr. Epstein is not the first to suggest that Western culture is not an ideal environment for children or teens. Parents are not in as much control of those social institutions that contribute to teen isolation and infantilizing as they should ideally be. Furthermore, there may be more subtle, and therefore, more hazardous risks for children and teenagers in Western cultures compared to less developed cultures. Thus, it may be prudent for parents in the West to be more watchful and careful as compared to parents in other cultures. And, while " _the_ _kind_ _of turmoil we see in teens in many Western countries is almost entirely absent in more than a hundred cultures around the world_ ," some degree of inherent turmoil does exist. Nonetheless, giving teenagers more responsibility, allowing them to experience the consequences of their decisions, and treating them with respect will go a long way to foster more self-control, emotional control, and maturity. And, as discussed in Chapter 10, under the sections, "Responsibility" and "Empower Independence," encouraging children to take control of their lives at an early age will encourage greater independence, satisfy the need for control, and reduce turmoil in the teenage years.

#  Chapter 13. Parenting Teenagers

### Tolerating Turmoil

Reapply the thick skin you used when dealing with the hurtful things said to you during the toddler years. Yes, you may have to discuss the reasons behind the hurtful words used by your teenagers with them, but do not take their words personally.

Just as you allowed certain unpleasant behaviors in toddlerhood due to the toddler's immaturity, you also need to accept some less-than-likable attitudes and behaviors during your child's adolescence. Accept the occasional moodiness, restlessness, mildly annoying responses, and the occasional silences or grunts. Tolerate any sudden mildly emotional outbursts, as well as the automatic rejection of your ideas, advice, values, or personal choices. If the outbursts are short lived and mild, let them go. Don't expect or demand the admiration, or recognition you once enjoyed when your child was a charming seven- to twelve-year-old.

You should certainly deal with severe or consistent disrespect. This may involve the process of emotional fluency: naming and normalizing the emotion, then negotiating the causes and alternative expressions. You can also respond with a simple statement of fact and then a consequence.

\- "When you talk to me like that, it makes me feel as if you don't respect me."

\- "If you can't say anything nice, I would prefer that you don't say anything at all."

\- "Tell me what bothers you, like an adult."

\- "That behavior is disrespectful; no car privileges for the next three days," (or other consequence related to the issue that caused the disrespect.)

Signs of more serious emotional issues that may require professional help include failing grades, changes in extracurricular participation, using profanity, vandalism, stealing, violence, avoiding eye contact, avoiding being touched, and changes in eating and sleeping habits.

### Nurturing the Individual

#### Introduction

This is the combination of the earlier stages of providing safety and comfort and building character, but it also involves preparing for independence. Several factors in adolescence require that you apply strategies that are different from those you applied in earlier childhood.

The formation of a new and more fragile sense of self in adolescence, along with a teenager's tendency to reject anything that comes from parents in the form of values, advice, or rules, means that **parental messages to provide safety and comfort and build character often need to be indirect or under the radar.** This is in stark contrast to the clear and direct instructions given to children two to twelve years old. (Examples are below.)

Furthermore, instead of acting as an authority and insisting on the subordination required during childhood, **the parent of a teenager needs to transition into being a consultant**. As a "consultant," the parent of a teenager presents options for behavioral choices rather than require specific behaviors. Unlike the irrational toddler and the young child, the teenager has the ability to think rationally. This makes consulting in adolescence more effective than it would have been in earlier years. There are several strategies available to modify behaviors as a parent transitions into being a consultant.

#### Being a Consultant

Transitioning from authority figure to consultant means presenting options for attitudes and behaviors, which your teenager then considers. This differs from simply saying what you want your child to do. In addition, being a consultant means **you don't solve your teenagers' problems; you present options for them to choose**. Your teenagers' problems are their own, and you only serve to offer alternatives and support. Your role as a consultant, rather than an authority figure, is to guide those choices that are in large part harmless and from which your teenagers will experience the results of their decisions, good or bad. However, your role as a consultant does not apply to behaviors that are dangerous, destructive, or objectionable. **You are a consultant for decisions, but an authority for negative behaviors**.

There are a few ways to present your opinions or suggestions indirectly without raising your teenager's defensive walls. This keeps your messages and parental influence under your teenager's radar.

One technique is to _offhandedly refer to a similar experience in your own or someone else's childhood_ , whether real or invented. Another approach is using _"I wonder if" statements._ Alternatively, you can use _"If it were me"_ statements. Finally, you can use _this-or-that or if-then statements_ to present clear choice options and their ramifications.

\- "Yes, somebody during my high school years wanted to sell me the answers to the test, but I just couldn't cheat."

\- "My parents made me get a job to pay for the damage I did."

\- "I wonder if apologizing would smooth things over with your friend."

\- "I wonder if the problem isn't that the teacher hates you, but something else. What do you think it could be?"

\- "I wonder if your friend would look at this differently."

\- "I wonder what could go wrong during the trip and how you might prepare."

\- "If it were me, I'd save the money for something that may be more important later."

\- "If it were me, I'd check out how other people prepared for the trip."

\- "Well, either you could _not_ study, flunk the class, and then go to summer school. Or you could focus on passing and spend the summer doing something you like."

\- "If you put your seat belt on, then you won't get a ticket."

While doing this, let your teenagers know that their choices and any consequences - good or bad - are their own. Practice using the phrases: **"It's your choice," "It's your decision,"** or **"It's up to you to decide."**

#### Being the Authority

While being nurturing, it's important not to be permissive. Being a consultant does not prevent you from being the value-setting authority. As much as your teens want to be independent, and as much as you want to let them make their own decisions, certain behaviors should still be unacceptable. These are behaviors that are dangerous, destructive, or objectionable by any standard or by the standard you set in your home. Your teenagers must get a clear message that inappropriate behaviors will not be tolerated. In these situations, you must be the authority, not a consultant.

The role of authority requires that you know about your teenagers' lives; who their friends are, where they play and spend free time, and so on. Your teenagers should understand that this is not different from the information shared about the whereabouts of other family members, be they adults or children.

Your watchfulness, as authority, should not be so invasive as to limit your teenagers' ability to make choices and practice their own risk assessments and good judgment. You just need to know where they are when practicing these skills.

The idea that "I did that as a teenager and came out okay" is no longer valid because so many aspects, superficially similar to those thirty years ago, are much more dangerous now. Marijuana is much more potent than in the past. Drugs are much more habit forming now than previously. Sexually transmitted diseases are much more common now and are more dangerous and harder to treat than they were thirty years ago. Furthermore, the fact that you may have survived unaffected is less a testament to the harmless nature of the situation and more to your own random good luck. Do you really want to gamble with your teenager's life and health?

Furthermore, any rules you set for your teenagers will likely be broken; however, setting rules keeps your teenagers from going as far as they otherwise would have if there were no rules at all. This is similar to posted speed limits on the road. Some drivers will exceed a posted speed limit by a few miles per hour, but they would probably go much faster if there were no speed limits at all. Thus, don't be reluctant to set rules just because you know or suspect they will be broken. Your rules may not prevent unwanted behaviors, but they will prevent the behaviors from becoming extreme.

As will be discussed under "Values" below, parents still need to maintain certain expectations and demand certain behaviors. Permissive parenting can give teenagers the sense that they are no longer cared for, robbing them of the feeling of safety and comfort they still need and subconsciously want. In addition, permissive parenting will reduce the level of respect teenagers have for their parents. In the end, it is respect for parents that motivates teenagers to accept parental authority and parental values. And it is often respect that encourages teenagers to make good choices when tempted by their peers or circumstances to make bad ones.

#### Respect Your Teenager

As mentioned, the excessive self-consciousness of adolescence causes teenagers to have a fragile sense of self. Thus, attacking your teenagers' value as individuals diminishes their sense of worth, hampering healthy maturation and poisoning your relationship with them. Therefore, don't criticize, judge, or compare your teenagers to others. Additionally, being overly protective gives your teenagers the idea that you think they cannot take care of themselves, which is another form of criticism. And being overly protective can smother your teenagers' developing independence. This can lead to teenagers rebelling against you or becoming adults who avoid risks and challenges.

As much as teenagers want to separate from their parents, and as much as they don't want to admit it, they still desire the safety and comfort of family. Therefore, continue the events and activities that defined your family as "a family" from childhood, such as family outings and family holiday dinners. Furthermore, be available so that your teens don't feel neglected. This doesn't mean being intrusive or "smothering with love." Just be on hand when your teenagers need you. Considering how much teenagers reject their parents' values, if your teens do want to talk with you, they deserve all your attention.

The shifting of greater responsibility to your teenagers occurs not only in the realm of decisions and actions, but also in speaking. In other words, let your teenagers speak for themselves in all social situations; don't do their taking for them.

#### Non-Parent Consultant

As mentioned previously, teenagers in general and males in particular can feel isolated since they are psychologically separating from their parents and likely are rejecting their values. Another adult, though, can provide the guidance teenagers would dismiss from their parents. Thus, encourage your teenagers to form helpful relationships with adults who may provide this support: a grandparent, aunt, uncle, close friend, trusted neighbor, teacher, or coach.

### Emotional Fluency

Since the teenage years can be chaotic and filled with new and stressful experiences, there are many opportunities for teenagers to be overwhelmed by emotions. Additionally, their own discomfort with their negative emotions (fear, anger, self-doubt) and new motivations that go against acquired values may lead teenagers to form inappropriate defense mechanisms (denial, projection, displacement – discussed in Chapter 2). Emotional expressions and these defense mechanisms need to be recognized so that they can be dealt with and any underlying issues brought to resolution. The steps involved are the same as those discussed in Chapter 4, "Emotional Fluency" - naming, normalizing, and negotiating; but the phrases used with teenagers may need to be different from those used with children.

Since teenagers can be both sensitive and distant, it may not always help to ask direct questions such as "How are you feeling?" or "Are you sad, angry, or unhappy?" Furthermore, asking questions that suggest you are prejudging your teen can cause defensive walls to go up. Thus, avoid questions such as "What's wrong with you?" You may elicit a more accurate response with indirect statements, such as

\- "I wonder if you're feeling sad about . . ."

\- "I'm not sure, but are you upset about anything?"

\- "Could it be that you're angry?"

In his book _Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child_ , J. Gottman suggests not assuming, talking, or acting as if you understand teenagers, since they tend to be hypersensitive and self-involved. This perspective gives teenagers the idea that their experiences are unique to them.

After you've recognized your teenager's emotion, use the strategies as discussed in Chapter 4, "Emotional Fluency," to normalize the emotion and then negotiate alternatives. Sometimes, though, listening is all that is needed.

### Behavior Modification

#### Clear and Concise Expectations

Despite the potential for emotional turmoil and fragile egos, teenagers can be rational. Therefore, tell your teenagers what is expected in a given situation. Moreover, if they don't meet expectations, be clear as to your displeasure and the behavioral consequences, as in these examples:

\- "When you don't do your chores, it puts an extra burden on the rest of the family. Your allowance is reduced this week."

\- "When you leave without telling me where you're going, I get scared."

\- "If you were a parent, what consequence would you give your seventeen-year-old?"

#### Positive Reinforcement

These techniques have been discussed in Chapter 5, "Behavior Modification." Here are a few teen-specific elements.

_Express your feelings to your teenager._ Show your appreciation by thanking your teenager for having appropriate behaviors and making the right choices. This encourages more of the same behavior. And you can say how any negative behaviors made you feel. For example:

\- "Your cooperation makes my work easier."

\- "Your actions made me proud."

\- "Your choice not to come home as you promised disappointed me."

Remember to praise the deed, not the doer; and keep praise short and simple. Negative statements should be also be brief and to the point, and not repeated over and over.

_Link behavioral choices to positive results_. Using if-then or when-then statements takes advantage of your teenager's understanding of cause and effect. For example: "If you get your chores done on time, then you can join your friends at the party."

_Engage your teenager._ You can use family meetings when introducing responsibilities or new life circumstances. Discuss your expectations, your reasons for them, and the potential consequences for your teen and family. Letting your teenager take part in setting the rules and routines encourages more cooperation.

_Accept the least objectionable choice_. Sometimes the options your teenager may consider, suggest, or choose are all undesirable from a parent's point of view. But, if they are not dangerous or destructive, it may be best for you to hold back your judgment or your urge to be authoritative. As Dr. Gottman suggests, promote the least objectionable alternative but accept the choices your teen makes. Remember to say, **"It's your choice," "It's your decision,"** or **"You have to live with the consequences of your decision."**

#### Negative Reinforcement

These techniques have been discussed in Chapter 5 in the section "Behavior Modification." There are a few differences between the behavior management approaches used for young children and those used for teenagers.

_Teenagers should know better_. Children are like apprentices learning a new trade, so they should not be expected to know what they have not yet been taught. Teenagers, on the other hand, have been taught most of what they need to know, and what they have not been taught, they should understand by virtue of their age, reason, and developed good judgment. For this reason, teenagers are expected to know and make the right behavioral choices every time; if they don't, negative consequences need to be given. Those consequences should be the natural results of their behaviors or involve the loss of privileges. (Privileges are perks you gave, so you have the right to take them away.)

_Engage your teenagers._ Being given the right to make choices extends also to taking part in one's own negative consequences. Thus, consider asking your teenagers how they would respond to a person under their care who behaved as they did, or what the consequence should be if an adult had done what they themselves did. You don't have to take their suggestion, but at least you listened to them.

_You can take your time_. Unlike toddlers and young children, you do not have to quickly follow up your teenager's negative behavior with a consequence. Once you have informed your teenager about his or her inappropriate act, take your time and consider your options. You can say, "This is unacceptable and we will discuss this after dinner" or "This is serious. I will discuss this with your mother to decide on an appropriate consequence for your action." The delay will also give you and your teenager a chance to calm down if necessary. Be sure to follow up with your promised consequence.

_Lecture sometimes_. It's often written that you should not lecture teenagers because you will just turn them off. As with most rules, this is not an absolute, and the success of a lecture depends on your teenagers and your relationship with them. If they are generally not rebellious or strong-willed, and if you have a good relationship with them, a well-structured lecture can simultaneously be an effective message and a negative consequence, as no teenager likes to be lectured. Thus, certain teens will correct their behavior to avoid being lectured a second time.

To be effective, the lecture should define the unacceptable behavior, state why it was unacceptable, what it cost in emotions, time, or money (or other results), and define what the behavior should have been. Finally, define a consequence for the current or next occurrence. Your tone of voice must be firm and must express controlled disappointment, anger, or sadness. Lastly, it should be relatively short, lasting about one minute. Say everything you want to say once. If you're starting to repeat yourself, it's time to finish.

### Values

Despite teenagers' sensitivity and the tendency to reject the values of their parents, the character building started in childhood (discussed in Chapter 10, "Values") still needs to be continued. Here are some teenager-related measures.

#### Respect

To keep your teenagers' respect, it's important to respect them, as mentioned previously in the section " _Respect Your Teenager_." However, when you do have to function as the authority, be firm and clear with your rules, and require respectful treatment for yourself. Be firm, direct, and unwavering. Do not be spineless, unsure, appeasing, or pandering.

As with younger children, look for opportunities to share laughs and songs. Your teenager may still be interested in participating in a family game night, especially playing those games they enjoyed as children; and you can make it more interesting by adding a wager to the game. Random rewards, as unexpected acts of kindness, will continue to nourish your parent-teenager relationship.

#### Responsibility

Your teenagers are as much members of the family now as they were when they were children, so the reasons for having family responsibilities are the same. Thus, helping around the house should be as routine for your teenagers as it is for the adults in your family. Your teenagers can certainly be involved in selecting their chores. However, it's important that the chore be routinely completed on time to a defined level of quality, or consequences should follow. These can include a reduced/deducted allowance or the loss of a privilege. Remembering a responsibility is part of doing it, so if you need to remind your teenagers about their jobs, they are not doing their jobs properly and consequences should follow. For example, you can charge a fee for your "reminding service." Finally, if adults are routinely busy working around the house and the teenagers are routinely in from of the TV or game console, they are not sharing enough of the household responsibilities.

Your teenagers are also responsible for their schoolwork, so define your expectations for school performance. If these expectations are not met, consequences should follow. Options for consequences include: a reduced allowance, reduced privileges, or being required to tutor a younger sibling or a child of a family friend or neighbor.

#### Honesty

There are many temptations during adolescence for teenagers to lie. When parents and teenagers separate for the day's routines or activities, teenagers can be tempted to deviate from the norm you established at home. As you say goodbye to your teens, you can add a phrase like "I trust you," which will remind them of the values you have taught them. Your words will be the inner voice they hear when confronted with temptations to lie or act inappropriately.

Furthermore, when your teen is honest about something, recognize and applaud the effort to be honest. If a lie occurs, confront your teenager about the lie and a consequence related to the lie and losing your trust should follow. These include undoing the circumstances of the lie and experiencing a loss of privileges.

#### Caring

Discuss neighborhood, community, and world affairs, and consider what could be done to contribute to needy causes. Examples include donating clothing, food, or toys. If time permits, make volunteering at a local charity a common event. As mentioned previously for children, if there is a friend or neighbor who is elderly, disabled, or otherwise in need, consider making it a regular responsibility for your teenager to help him or her.

#### Fairness

Practicing fairness comes from responsibility and a position of authority. Consider putting your teen in charge of a family project or family meeting. Allow your teenager to practice delegating responsibility and the skill of fairness.

### Meditation

Since some of the negative aspects of adolescence are connected with excess attention to the self, reduced self-preoccupation will make the teenage years less chaotic and emotional. Thus, meditation started during childhood will serve the teenager well. Their growing intellectual capabilities allow them to be able to practice meditation with greater intensity and mindfulness with greater consistency.

### Summary

\- Tolerate mild turmoil

= Mild disrespect

= Mildly abrasive attitudes

= Mildly erratic behaviors

\- Recognize signs of serious issues

= Avoiding eye contact

= Disliking being touched

= Changing school performance

= Destructive or criminal behavior

\- Be a consultant

= "When I was a kid . . ."

= "I knew somebody who . . ."

= "I wonder if . . ."

= "If it were me . . ."

= "It's your choice."

= "It's your decision."

\- Be the authority for dangerous, destructive, or objectionable behaviors

\- Respect your teen

= Don't criticize, judge, or compare.

= Don't be over protective

= Let your teenagers speak for themselves

\- Teach emotional fluency

= Be emotionally available

= Process emotions (name, normalize, negotiate)

\- Manage behavior

= Define expected behaviors

= Define natural consequences

= Be clear and concise

= Take your time

\- Build character

= Respect

= Responsibility

= Honesty

= Caring

= Fairness

\- Practice meditation and mindfulness

#  Chapter 14. Parent as Teacher

Education does not start in school but in the home. The first thing to do in toddlerhood is to turn the TV off and keep it off. It discourages talking and delays language development. Encourage your toddler and preschool children to talk about their thoughts and about any new experiences. When your children asks you "Why?" or "What's that?" turn around and ask your children, "What do you think?" and encourage them to use their imaginations in a continuous game, of "what if's."

In toddlerhood, play games with numbers, letters, words, and phrases. In childhood, encourage reading by reading the newspaper or magazine to your children. When their skills become good enough, they can read one page as you read the next. Later, take them to the library to look over and choose books.

As your children grow older, avoid getting them the newest electronic game. Instead, get them children's magazines by subscription or from the library. Bring magazines and books on car trips instead of electronic games. Encourage math games with flash cards. You can also introduce math or spelling into the board games that you play with your child, and an extra throw of the dice or extra points for correct answers can make it more fun.

The skills of respect, self-control, and responsibility will help your child in school. And, **when teachers don't have to spend time parenting children because children have learned subordination, self-control, and other values at home, teachers have more time to be teachers**.

The process of learning can be tedious and being wrong can be frustrating, but both these emotions actually make learning harder. If a student can practice being curious, then apply this curiosity when learning, the brain will remember things more easily. And, if a student can look at "being wrong" with the excitement of discovering one way that things are not, that excitement will encourage the brain to remember.

When school starts, it's important to establish a routine for your child. The increased responsibilities of school, homework, and chores, can cause family chaos if no routine has been established. After school, give children a short break (without electronics) with, for example, a bowel of fruit while you ask about their day. Then, it's time for homework. No recreation or electronics should be allowed till homework is done, but it's all right to have five- to ten-minute breaks during homework completion if needed. Be sure to check the homework to make sure it's correct and, if not, direct your children to the error and have them redo it correctly. If needed, have your children do extra work for you so that the lesson is learned. The purpose of homework is to learn the lesson, not simply complete the assignment. Do not do your children's homework for them but, if your children are struggling, help them one step at a time.

Consider playfully incorporating the basics of your children's homework into games. Talk about the homework later in the day or at dinner. You may want to avoid asking direct questions that may be seen as "more homework." Instead, ask your children what they thought of their homework, what they think they learned, didn't learn, liked, or disliked from their homework. You can even ask your children to test your knowledge of their homework. All these questions are a sly way of having your children review their homework one more time.

If your child keeps struggling with schoolwork, consider getting the lesson plan from the teacher ahead of time, so that you can introduce the topics to your child on the weekend. This will prepare your child for the topic when it's covered more deeply by the teacher.
Password

A solitary sonnet, total and whole,

A certain refrain that brightens my soul.

It lifts my spirit and cheers my mind,

A single exclaim, one of a kind.

A password to joy, bringing life's measure.

A verse to cherish, a bond to treasure.

Not hackneyed, trite or faddy,

That single word, their call, "Daddy!"

#  Appendix

### Quotes

The way we talk to children becomes their inner voice.

\- Peggy O'Mara

Maturity begins when you can look through windows instead of looking at mirrors.

\- Linda and Richard Eyre, _Teaching your Children Values_

Life affords no greater responsibility, no rarer privilege, than the raising of the next generation.

\- C. Everett Koop

A wise woman once said to me that there are only two lasting bequests we can give our children. One of these she said is roots, the other, wings.

\- Hodding Carter, (Where Main Street Meets the River)

The hardest part of raising a child is teaching them to ride bicycles. A shaky child on a bicycle for the first time needs both support and freedom. The realization that this is what the child will always need can hit hard.

\- Sloan Wilson

Praise your children openly, reprehend them secretly.

\- W. Cecil

The child supplies the power but the parents have to do the steering.

\- Benjamin Spock, Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care

Your children need your presence more than you presents.

\- Jesse Jackson

The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children.

\- King Edward VIII, (Later Prince Edward, Duke of Windsor)

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry.

\- Bill Cosby

Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, it means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.

\- Unknown

It's not happy people who are thankful; it's thankful people who are happy.

\- Unknown

Folks are usually about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

\- Abraham Lincoln

Everybody's a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it's stupid.

\- Albert Einstein

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.

\- Winston Churchill

Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure . . . than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.

\- Theodore Roosevelt

To speak without thinking is to shoot without aiming.

  * Charlie Chan

Long road sometimes shortest way to end of journey.

  * Charlie Chan

Be courteous to everyone you meet.

Be thoughtful wherever you spin.

Politeness opens many doors,

And kindness invites you in.

Some things you'll change and others not,

Be flexible and tolerant through the years.

Keep your cheer and inner peace,

To avoid annoyance and needless tears.

What you say and do shows who you are,

So keep promises and commitments made.

Be responsible in your words and deeds,

Or like smoke in the wind, your worth will fade.

\- GHW

### Usable Phrases

\- Use an inside voice inside.

\- You've got feet; use them.

\- Everything has its place, so put it there when you're done.

\- A place for everything, and everything in its place.

\- An orderly room by Sunday noon.

\- Treat others as you would want to be treated.

\- It takes courage to be kind.

\- Honesty returns trust; trust leads to privileges.

\- Dishonesty returns distrust.

\- The truth never does as much damage as a lie.

\- Lying can become an addiction.

\- It's harder to trust the second time around.

\- All things worthy require greater effort.

\- The success is in the trying; failure is not trying at all.

\- You can't be good at everything, but most things are worth trying.

\- A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.

\- You'll never know if you don't try.

\- Find your inner spark.

\- Missing the target is part of the process of hitting it.

\- If it's worth doing, it's worth doing well.

\- Be ready to do it right or get ready to do it over.

\- If you're not part of the solution, you may be part of the problem.

\- Life is too important to take yourself too seriously.

\- It's never so bad that it couldn't be worse.

\- House rules:

= No lying.

= No swearing.

= No stealing.

= Do your schoolwork.

= Do your chores.

= Do say "Please," "Thank you," and "Excuse me."

= Help the family when needed.

= Help anyone when you can.

= Help keep the peace.

#  Bibliography

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R. Burke, R. Herron, B.A. Barnes, Common Sense Parenting, Third Edition, Boys Town Press, 2006

F. Cline, J. Fay, Parenting Teens with Love and Logic, Pinon Press, 1992

Dewar, Gwen Ph.D., Authoritarian parenting: How does it affect the kids, http://www.parentingscience.com/authoritarian-parenting.html

Dewar, Gwen Ph.D., The Authoritative parenting style: Warmth, rationality, and high standards, http://www.parentingscience.com/authoritative-parenting-style.html

Dewar, Gwen Ph.D., Permissive parenting, http://www.parentingscience.com/permissive-parenting.html

D. Dinkmeyer, Sr, G. D. McKay, J. S. Dinkmeyer, D. Dinkmeyer, Jr., J. L. McKay, Parenting Young Children, Systematic Training for Effective Parenting of Children Under Six, STEP Publishers, 1997.

D. Dinkmeyer, Sr, G. D. McKay, D. Dinkmeyer, Jr., The Parents Handbook, STEP Publishers, 1997.

D. Dinkmeyer, Sr, G. D. McKay, J. L. McKay, D. Dinkmeyer, Jr., Parenting Teenagers, STEP Publishers, 1998

R. Dreikurs, M. Goldman, ABC's of Guiding the Child, Adlerian Child Guidance Principles, http://www.adlerian.us/guid.htm

Epstein, Robert, The "Teen Brain" Claim Is Fraudulent, Ideas.Aeon viewpoints, (http://ideas.aeon.co/viewpoints/robert-epstein-on-is-there-really-something-about-the-teen-brain-that-causes-so-much-turmoil-during-the-teen-years)

Eyre, Richard & Linda, Teaching your children values, Simon & Schuster, Inc, 1993 ( _Note: these authors have written a series of good books related to parenting as well as create a website, http://www.valuesparenting.com. Their website offers guides on many issues, as well as free electronic versions of their books_.)

G. E. Gardner, The Emerging Personality, Infancy to Adolescence, Hutchinson & Co LTD, 1971

J. Gottman, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, Simon and Schuster Paperbacks, 1997

R. W. Greene, The Explosive Child, Second Edition, Quill 2001

B. Hart, It Takes a Parent, G.P. Putnam's Sons, 2005

W. Mischel, Y. Shoda, M. L. Rodriguez, Delay of Gratification in Children, Science, May 26, 1989; 244, 4907

W. Mischel, The Marshmallow Test, Little, Brown and Company, 2014

T. W. Phelan, 1-2-3 Magic, 3rd Edition, Independent Publishers Group, 2003

Y. Shoda, W. Mischel, P. K. Peake, Predicting Adolescent Cognitive and Self-Regularoty Competencies From Preschool Delay of Gratification: Identifying Diagnostic Conditions, Developmental Psychology, 1990, Vol 26, No. 6, 978-986.

N. Swanson, The Good Child, Allegretto Ltd, 2005

http://www.parenting-child-development.com

http://www.positivediscipline.com

http://www.valuesparenting.com

 http://www.webmd.com/parenting/guide/the-right-way-to-praise-your-kids?page=1

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