How to Read This Book
You have more than one option.
You can decide to read it - or some of it
- in an hour or two.
You can then put it away like many other books
you have read in the past and probably retain
about 3% of the information.
That's the typical way of reading a book.
The second option is to read it twice - cover
to cover - and then put it away.
Statistically, you may then retain up to 15%
of the information.
Not a bad option.
Alternatively, you could add it to your daily
reading.
Start your day by selecting one page, and
convert its message into a personal commitment.
In this way, the information will rub off
on your behaviour and the principles will
gradually become part of your thinking.
This option is for people who are serious
about their happiness.
The final option is to include elements from
the book in your monthly planning process.
This will ensure that the information converts
into practical priorities in your day-to-day
pattern of living.
This is first prize!
We suggest that you make the most of this
book by considering all four options.
First, read it, read it again, continue reading
it in a snippety, piecemeal way, and then
assimilate the principles you've acquired
into your life.
Convert the content into a customised happiness
manual.
Your happiness is important enough to do it
in this way.
Choose to affect the rest of your life positively.
And by the way, take notes and capture your
thinking and mark what's important to you
along the way.
The principles covered in this book are for
the young and the old, and for people of all
cultures, religions, and genders.
Happiness is an 'any-time-in-your-life' prospect,
a 'whoever-you-are' opportunity, a 'doesn't-matter-where-you-come-from'
chance.
If you are willing to open your mind to the
idea of happiness and to do what it takes,
you may pleasantly surprise yourself.
The layout of the book is simple.
The first three chapters consist of a clear
look at how happiness is perceived, what it
really is, and what unhappiness looks like.
In Chapter 4, we offer you a collection of
carefully selected practical prompts to help
you apply the theory of happiness to your
life.
This is the most important part of the book
- trust the content.
And in Chapter 5, we summarize it all in a
final few words of encouragement.
Make the most of it.
Don't look for perfection, look for value.
Enjoy!
CHAPTER 1.
THE SEARCH FOR HAPPINESS
What is happiness?
What causes it?
How do you hold onto it?
What makes it go away?
These are questions that led to many philosophical
debates, over literally thousands of years.
The philosophers of Greece were famous for
their quest to define the pillars of 'the
good life'.
Faith-based movements have painstakingly crafted dogmas and prescribed behaviours in pursuit
of ultimate peace and joy.
Academic studies have been concentrated on
finding the answer to 'the optimal life experience'.
Generations of national governments have professed
to craft policies in promotion of the overall
wellbeing of their citizens.
And many ordinary dinner table discussions
are, at heart, dialogues in search of a happy
life.
Definitions and suggestions of what happiness
is differ widely.
It is a subject that lends itself to intense
subjectivity.
Some definitions are very specific, some open-ended.
Some are heavily influenced by immediate circumstances.
Others are influenced by esoteric points of
departure.
Many definitions are spiritually loaded, others
more pragmatic.
And some defenders of these different viewpoints
are quite 'unhappy' when you voice an opinion
that may differ from theirs.
A conversation about happiness frequently
ends in a stalemate.
Pinning down a generally accepted definition
in any non-exact field, especially one with
such an emotional flavour, is never easy.
Despite different viewpoints, everyone seems
to agree that it is important to be happy.
In fact, we think it is fair to presume that
the pursuit of happiness is our most fundamental
reality.
WHAT IS YOUR DEFINITION OF HAPPINESS?
The aim of this book is not to push a specific
definition of happiness.
Our goal is to try and present you with valuable
insights and create the private intellectual
space for you to consider the subject of personal
happiness, and of course to try and convince
you that happiness is within your reach.
It consequently makes sense to start off by
revisiting your personal definition of happiness.
If someone asks you today to explain the ingredients
of happiness, how would your explanation go?
What would you identify as the foundation
for sustainable contentment?
How would you explain it to a child-even better,
to your own child?
Sit back and think about it for a good few
minutes.
Write down the key concepts and words you
would use in your first go at such a definition.
Don't rush it; it's an important personal
entry into the subject.
Keep this first basic explanation and list
of key words in your head until you have finished
the book.
The idea is to adjust this definition when
and if you gain different insights from this
book, or from your own subsequent reflection
on the topic.
Ideally, you should conclude this journey
by defining happiness along the principles
you would like to apply to your own life.
Do you agree that it's not that simple to
give a clear-cut definition of what happiness
is?
And even if you take a stab at it, you aren't
too convinced that your definition is a complete
one?
You also probably realize it will differ from
someone else's definition and you understand
that the longer you ponder and work on it,
the more your views may evolve?
It's a tough nut to crack, this 'science of
bliss', even for those of us who aced all
those other difficult exams!
Don't worry, it's common.
Nobody has ever sat us down in a classroom-or
even in our own living rooms as kids-and talked
us through such a definition.
We have been taught a million other 'how-to'
formulas in many other fields.
Yet no-one has ever guided us to understand
the full meaning of happiness and its roots,
nor taught us how to attain it, not in Western
doctrines anyway.
Most people from our 'clan' therefore struggle
to give a conclusive definition, however bright
they may be in other 'subjects'.
Opinions differ widely and descriptions are
often vague.
Many of us actually have more questions than
answers on the enquiry of what happiness is.
THE GENERAL PERCEPTION
Research shows that most people view happiness
as the result of something exceptional that
should happen to them.
They believe happiness is an external phenomenon
that crosses your path and changes your life
for the better.
Many of the run-of-the-mill definitions of
personal happiness are consequently linked
to a name, place, date, event, or quantity-
all phenomena that may cause some form of
pleasure, comfort, or novelty value.
In other words, something that gives you an
'emotional kick' or immediate relief of some
sort.
People mostly tend to describe happiness in
the form of 'nouns'; something you can touch,
look at, show off, experience, refer to, remember,
arrive at or calculate.
Something you can push in a shopping trolley,
someone in the passenger seat, a street address,
an amount on a bank statement...
It's time to check your initial definition.
Are some of these magic external influences
included in your view of happiness as well?
Do you also believe happiness is something
'out there' that may happen to you?
Take a few seconds to circle the 'nouns' in
your definition.
Don't judge yourself while doing it; just
quietly reflect upon your initial view.
When we take a closer look at the typical
ways in which people define happiness, the
'nouns' we pick up in the descriptions all
have an identical function.
They act as 'if-then' assurances - imaginary
triggers underpinning a promise to uplifting
experiences.
"If this or that happens, I will be happy",
this proposition of happiness goes.
People typically regard these 'nouns' as stimuli
that will trigger some form of change in their
personal circumstances, which should, they
believe, cause a permanent modification in
the way they feel about, experience, and view
life.
And this 'if-then' chain reaction, they presume,
will culminate in a magic breakthrough called
'happiness'.
Broadly speaking, this approach to happiness
leaves you convinced that happiness:
...comes from 'the world' in some form or
another.
...is in 'another time.'
...happens because of 'other people.'
A word or two on each of these popular convictions:
HAPPINESS COMES FROM 'THE WORLD'
This quest for happiness leads many people
to become eternal 'treasure hunters' in the
big, wide world.
They frantically seek the secret door to happiness
in some idyllic set of circumstances.
They are forever on a mission to discover
their fortune of happiness - a sensation of
some sort, hidden out there somewhere, waiting
to be unearthed.
People who believe the treasure of happiness
is to be received from 'the world' usually
have a considerable fascination with wealth.
They admire the rich and famous and passionately
idealise their lifestyles, even though they
may witness many well-off miserable people
every day.
They calculate their potential happiness level
and they are able to instantly attach a currency
value to it.
For them, the answer is simple: affluence
holds the key to happiness.
They are hooked by the belief that happiness
grows, dollar by dollar, in linear fashion.
They have settled for a simple philosophy:
the more you have, the more you are.
They live one long daydream of having more
purchasing power.
Ironically, these dreams continue even after
they have attained material wealth.
Once bitten by this craving, 'more' never
really turns into 'enough'.
Their jar of happiness has no lid.
This obsession with economic happiness often
leads people to indulge in fairly irrational
behaviour.
For instance, many become terminal over spenders
and forever buckle under excessive debt - actually
impoverishing themselves in an effort to feel
and look rich!
Others work themselves to death- subconsciously
deciding to compromise their personal wellness
or familial relationships to answer the call
for more 'happiness currency'.
Others pin their hopes on chance or gambling,
or take undue business or career risks to
become wealthy sooner.
Some even decide upon an all-or-nothing approach,
and steal, smuggle, or defraud to quell this
desire to 'have more'.
There are many dishonest wealthy people, many
others forever flying close to the sun as
a result of this compulsion to have more.
A final note to this 'wealth brings happiness'
philosophy: Money is not the guilty party
in all of this.
Monetary means can in fact be valuable and
many wealthy people are happy and valued contributors
to society's wellbeing.
The problem arises when money is viewed and
pursued as a stand-in for true happiness.
People who believe happiness comes 'from the
world' often also falsely believe it originates
from status.
We may argue that it is related to the fascination
with wealth, and sometimes it is.
However, in essence it is about power, or
an elevated position, in whatever form - whether
related to riches or not.
It is about enjoying a standing of relative
authority- albeit only in appearance or title.
Some even do their utmost to marry into it,
study themselves into it, campaign for it,
or again, slavishly work themselves into it.
"While trying to find yourself in things,
you may end up losing yourself in things."
- Eckhart Tolle
In searching for status, organisational or
political pedestals come as important psychological
benefits.
They symbolise 'importance'.
That is why status-hunters often envision
an important corporate position or public
title as a pivotal happiness trigger.
To secure this sensation of emotional reassurance,
people may even damage others' wellbeing,
subliminally or explicitly, when they perceive
them a threat to their own pursuit for professional
status.
When looking further afield for a happiness
trigger 'from the world', people often settle
on a demographic solution.
They believe they will arrive at joy when
they change their location, because it's not
where they're living now.
They are restless and are always ready to
pack up and go.
A different place will do it for them.
For this nomadic group of happiness chasers,
the castle in the air may be a dwelling in
a different neighbourhood (normally upmarket).
Others are on the lookout for a view of a
mountain or the sound of waves breaking in
the distance, or deafening silence at night,
maybe the call of a fish eagle, all for happiness
to start.
For some people in this frame of mind, there
is often no alternative route to imaginary
happiness, but to pack up and move to a different
country.
They believe happiness starts the moment the
containers have been emptied.
A last example of happiness originating 'from
the world': There are people who are on a
constant mission to improve their physical
appearance, as they are convinced that good
looks and youthfulness holds the key to a
happier life.
They push the boundaries of fashion and pretense,
and often go far beyond simply 'looking decent'.
In fact, the promise of attractiveness and
beauty, in whatever form, has resulted in
the formation of huge industries!
Nip-and-tuck surgeries, hair boutiques, designer
clothing, trophy restaurants, you name it...
All are thriving on the obsession to 'appear'
in charge, because it will spill over in happiness.
Again, there is nothing wrong with caring
for yourself and your appearance.
The problem is in the 'if-then' happiness
equation that may be attached to it, in the
belief that a superior projection of yourself
will unlock sustained bliss, and that happiness
can be found in a 'makeover'.
And so, people scrutinise 'the world' day
in and day out, imagining or pursuing perceived
conditions of happiness.
We've touched on only a handful of instances;
there are many more 'from the world' examples.
What is your take on this view of happiness?
Do you target a form of 'access' to bliss,
an object that will unveil it, or an altered
situation 'out there' as your guarantee to
happiness?
Do you believe an impulse from 'the world'
holds the key to sustained contentment?
Do you wait for happiness to 'arrive' ?
HAPPINESS Is IN ANOTHER TIME
The second 'if-then' experience people often
target for a happiness response is 'a change
in time'.
Many people believe happiness is wrapped up
in the passing or reversing of their present.
They are time travelling day in and day out,
dreaming of another era of their lives- one
to come, or one gone by.
This view of happiness may usually make people
spend a lot of their present in an imaginary
future.
One day, they believe, happiness will descend
upon them.
They are 'when-this-is-over' happiness hunters.
They are forever longing for a futuristic
knight of happiness to gallop into their lives
and liberate them from the present.
They imagine 'the happiest day of my life'
without end.
For them, happiness is always something to
await, a future landmark, an 'as-soon-as'
time zone, the spell after this.
Their present is a mere stepping-stone, an
exercise in day-dreaming.
Many people extend this definition of happiness
even beyond their own lifetimes.
Whatever the religious persuasion, tradition,
or spirituality they base their view on; 'eternity'
or the 'hereafter' is seen as the true door
to happiness, the only time they look forward
to.
For those who harbour this mindset, life on
earth is a mere temporary nuisance to overcome,
in preparation for real happiness.
Along a similar vein, some happiness time
travellers also spend a lot of time in the
past, finding consolation in what used to
be.
Even more so if they gave up on their future.
They never-endingly glance over their shoulder.
The good old days offer them an escape from
present realities, and they relive parts of
their lives over and over again.
They are often so in love with their past
that they even refer to difficult times gone
by with nostalgia - anything is better than
the present!
"The happy have whole days And those they
choose.
The unhappy have but hours And those they
lose."
-Colley Cibber
For some of these 'happiness historians',
the opposite also often occurs.
They spend a lifetime trying to undo past
events and decisions, because such a self-generated
memory correction, they believe, will be the
stimulus to happiness.
If they can slice away certain recollections
and bleach the past from memory, a door to
a second chance, called happiness, will open.
They keep their present occupied with the
most disempowering quest possible - trying
to reset the past.
Do you desire to escape the present?
Do you time-travel to find happiness?
Are your days consumed by dreams of 'another
time'?
Do you realize that tomorrow will be another
'today' when you get there?
Are you aware that there is no door to your
past?
Do you spend a lot of time where you cannot
be?
HAPPINESS HAPPENS BECAUSE OF OTHER PEOPLE
The third mirage of happiness that some gaze
towards is other people.
This belief is linked to three simple words
when happiness is defined:
she, they, and he.
This belief boils down to this: 'My happiness
is in someone else's hands'.
Happiness has feet, hands and a voice - and
enters through a door, they believe.
People with this mindset are inclined to see
the seed of their happiness in what other
people can do for or to them, or in what missing
dimension these outsiders carry into their
lives.
They therefore also tend to blame others and
use them as excuses for their lack of happiness
- or are envious of what they perceive others
to be, to have or to withhold from them.
Their happiness descriptors always refer to
someone else.
The narratives of their lives are scripts
with many actors.
At the most intimate level, many people seek
happiness in or through a life partner.
They believe that another person holds the
key to living happily ever after.
They idealise the perfect partner from an
early age and enter such a relationship with
amazingly lofty expectations for happiness.
Paradoxically, for those who enter this relationship
unhappy, this partner then often also becomes
the object of their unhappiness.
When two people don't 'discover' happiness
in their life partnership, one or both may
bargain on a child to instil happiness in
their lives.
So often, people place their responsibility
to be happy on an innocent infant.
11A baby will solve our relationship's inability
to bring us happiness", they believe.
They in effect transfer the responsibility
of two adults to create their own happiness
to a baby.
Eventually this effort only creates a third
unhappy person - the child.
When hiccups occur between life partners,
those who believe happiness comes from others
often opt for adultery in the hope that a
third party will be the escape door to happiness.
They naively believe that a lover or a next
life partner will solve the crisis.
They continue to look for happiness in an
'other half'.
Excessive reliance on friends and family also
play an important role in the definition of
happiness for those who have an intensified
bias to link other people to their happiness.
They tend to develop demanding social relations
for all the wrong reasons, based on the inclination
that any family member or friend has the right
to the intimate zones of their lives.
They are often heavily dependent on the acceptance
and recognition- even the intriguing bickering-
that may result from this self-enforced sense
of belonging.
Ironically, they give these people access
to their lives, then eventually blame them
for their unhappiness.
"Happiness grows at our own firesides, and
is not to be picked in strangers' gardens."
- Douglas Jerrold
For many people, an employer holds a very
important key to their personal happiness.
Security is crucial to most people, understandably
so, and most of them see an employer as the
ultimate guardian of their security- and therefore,
of their happiness.
Many people are also heavily dependent on
the social dynamics of the workplace and depend
on this for a happiness stimulus, however
dysfunctional the results often turn out to
be.
The place of work, for them, is much more
than a source of income.
And then, people have an astonishing expectation
towards government to guarantee a certain
level of personal happiness.
They view their government as this mythical
provider and ultimate source of security and
comfort.
Just listen to conversations around you, how
'unhappy' some people are about what their
government has done to them or hasn't done
for them.
A government is a perfect punching bag for
many unhappy people- any form of 'authority'
is the ultimate crutch.
A last example - the seekers of people-focused
happiness often idealise personal icons, constantly
imagining themselves into someone else's
position, whether physically, economically,
socially or whatever other feature of someone
'of note' they aspire to.
We frequently hear people say, "I wish I were
more like him", or "If only I could be in
her shoes", and "They are so lucky".
This category of happiness seekers longs to
switch places with someone else, drive someone
else's car, have someone else's kids, earn
someone else's money... all to fill a void.
This tendency to idealise also leaves them
on the lookout for 'gurus', someone with all
the magic answers, someone with the power
to come and turn their lives around.
Where do you position yourself in this people-focused
happiness domain?
Are relationships a constructive element of
your life, or are you looking out for happiness
in the form of another person?
How balanced is your dependence on people?
Do you bargain on someone else to do for you
what you should be doing for yourself?
This, in short, is the lens through which
the majority of people, either explicitly
or implicitly, tend to view happiness.
They see it as the result of an external influence,
imagining how 'something, someone, or sometime'
will change their lives for the better.
They are essentially outsourcing their happiness,
waiting for it to happen to them from the
outside.
CHAPTER 2.
HAPPINESS IS…
The fundamental flaw in searching for happiness
'out there' lies in confusing pleasure for
happiness.
This basic misperception leads to the
belief that happiness is either a once-in-a-lifetime
delight, or the compound effect of many pleasurable
experiences.
There is, of course, a place for pleasure.
In fact, pleasurable moments and uplifting
experiences are the spice of life.
Make sure that you fully enjoy the ones you
choose.
Just understand that their effect wears off:
pleasure cannot be hoarded and then called
happiness.
True happiness is not a derived outcome of
the swings in a 'pendulum of pleasure'.
Happiness is the quality of the base on which
the pendulum is mounted.
It is not the reward of constant that-instead-of-this
victories, but an overall rhythm in the way
you live your life- a rhythm that applies
in any context you find yourself, pleasurable
or not.
Although the 'if-then' notions of happiness
are dominant and loud out there, the truth
is that genuine happiness is a 'now-and-here'
skill.
It is the by-product of a specific way of
living your life.
It's not on the horizon, it's under your feet
- not to be found 'up there', but 'down here'.
It's not dessert, it's the meal!
Revisit your original beliefs about happiness
again - those first thoughts you wrote down.
Are your initial perceptions about happiness
associated with enough 'now-and-here' ideas
to your liking?
How big is the shift you need to make in your
definition to move your personal happiness
from 'out there' to 'in here'?
"The happiest people seem to be those who
have no particular cause for being happy except
that they are so."
- William Ralph Inge
What traits are shared by happy people?
In other words, if happiness is the offshoot
of a pattern of conduct and not simply an
assortment of 'highs', what are the underlying
features to the pattern?
All our research, interactions, and observations
have led us to conclude that happy people
share nine common qualities:
1.
They think in a different way.
2.
They assume full accountability for their
circumstances.
3.
They enjoy simple things more.
4.
They own up to their future.
5.
They are passionately engaged in what they
do for a living.
6.
They invest in their overall wellness.
7.
They have constructive relationships.
8.
They harness an optimistic world view.
9.
They accept that happiness is a day-to-day
effort.
You may get the 'chicken and egg' feeling
when you look at the list.
Is this what happy people do, you may ask,
or is this what people do to be happy?
The truth is that it's a fair portion of both.
Applying these principles in your life feeds
happiness, but they also come easier for people
who commit to their own happiness.
It doesn't really matter which comes first;
what does matter is that these principles
are embedded in the lives of people who are
happy with who they are and with the lives
they have chosen to live.
Let's pause for a moment and briefly reflect
upon each of these happiness traits.
1.
HAPPY PEOPLE THINK IN A DIFFERENT WAY
Happy people view life through a productive
window.
The general way in which they give meaning
to every-day information and events is not
tarnished by fantasies of personal threats
or portrayals of what is amiss.
They empower themselves with an enabling perspective
on matters instead of settling for the 'downside'.
They seek true answers and support lasting
solutions, even though it may not be 'their'
answer or solution.
The ancestor of every action in your life
is a thought.
How we think is how our lives work out.
Over time, our reality mirrors the way in
which we choose to make sense of life.
We structure our lives in our heads.
Happy people often appear to be fortunate.
However, when you examine the pattern according
to which they decode life, you realise their
good fortune starts in their minds.
They live more harmonious lives because they
don't think in contradictory or conflicting
patterns.
The lens through which they define life isn't
scratched.
They don't burden their minds with a hunger
for superiority, but instead seek new information,
accommodate differing opinions, and consider
alternative suggestions.
They aren't 'at war' with life or set in their
own ideas of 'how things should work'.
“Guard over your thinking, for it becomes
actions.
Your actions slowly turn into habits.
Over time, your habits shape your character.
And in the end, your character becomes your
destiny.
If you want to change your destiny,
change your thinking."
-Anonymous
The way in which we consider and work with
information in our minds influences both the
visible and invisible quality of our energy.
The energy we carry originates in our heads.
Happy people are energy-rich.
They subject their anxieties to the authority
of reason, oppose them through a spirit of
compromise, and diminish them by living in
peace.
It allows them ease of progress in every endeavor,
and they naturally do what should be done
without the energy erosion accompanied by
inner resistance and panic.
They have an ability to accept objective solutions,
as their assumptions are prejudice-lite.
Happy people are for solutions instead of
being against problems.
Their power is stable and abundant because
they don’t interpret life as a place of
scarcity.
Their welcoming disposition towards life affords
them a remarkable sense of freedom and inner
peace.
How productive is the nature of attention
you give to life?
Does your appraisal of the world energize
or drain you (and others)?
How many 'enemies' do you visualize 'out there',
enemies who may actually be friends in the
making?
Are you open to new information and learning,
or are your subjective positions blocking
your growth?
How dramatic is the movie playing out in your
head?
2.
HAPPY PEOPLE ASSUME FULL ACCOUNTABILITY FOR
THEIR CIRCUMSTANCES
Happy people don't live in a protective bubble
-they share the 'winters and summers' of life
with all other mortals.
They live under the same circumstances as
less happy people - but choose to behave differently
towards the ups and downs they weather.
Happy people take charge of their circumstances.
They refuse to be imprisoned by what happens
to or around them.
It seems much easier for them to counter the
negative effects of unfriendly conditions,
while they display the habit of making the
most of favorable circumstances.
All this simply because of an orientation
towards life.
They don't rent their lives, they own them,
under all circumstances.
And their ownership
extends to the cause, effect, and solution
of an affair.
Research shows that circumstances can indeed
play a role in a person's overall happiness
level, but that circumstantial adjustments
are seriously overrated in terms of their
impact on our long-term happiness.
While it is true that relief from extreme
:financial hardship, relationship problems,
physical pain or environmental discomfort
can have a notable effect on a person's absolute
level of happiness, various studies have concluded
that non-extreme, everyday situations don't
account for more than about 10% of the variations
in people's happiness levels.
Our circumstances will always vary and always
introduce unexpected moments.
But if we really want to, we can easily manage
most circumstances.
Happy people believe this, and show they do
by taking charge of the part they can control
or utilize.
Happy and unhappy people ask different questions
when an undesirable thing happens to them.
Happy people ask, “What am I going to do
about this?” and “How am I going to prevent
this from happening again?”
Unhappy people ask, “Why does this always
happen to me?” or “Who is to blame for
this?”
In essence, happy people are willing to employ
the power of choice and ownership, while unhappy
people opt for a sense of victimisation.
Happy people work with life as it is, not
as they wished it were.
All in all, our circumstances don't determine
the reality of our life experience - our attitude
towards them does.
If you have cynical, pacifying, or inhibiting
thoughts about your circumstances, your reality
will be negative.
It has been said that the only difference
between a weed and a flower is a judgement.
Life is a flower for some and a weed for others
- because of their attitudes towards it.
Attitude is a mental orientation.
It can support or obstruct you.
Every thought about your circumstances you
consciously confirm to be true will multiply.
Such a thought becomes a belief.
The story of your life portrays these beliefs
as they shape new consequences.
When you change your pattern of attachment
to circumstances, you gradually change this
mental construction, and you lay a new foundation
for how to manage and shape your conditions.
It's a choice that offers freedom, but also
a choice that needs to be backed energetically.
Circumstances may originate externally - the
extent of their effect on us is an internal
affair.
How well do you manage circumstances and changes
in your context?
Do they overwhelm you time and again, or do
you choose to manage them actively?
Do you make things bigger than they are?
Are you a victim, or are you an owner of the
conditions surrounding your life?
3.
HAPPY PEOPLE ENJOY SIMPLE THINGS MORE
Happy people pay attention to life in a particular
way, interacting with it through all their
senses.
They see more in a flower, and pause to smell
it.
They embrace humid sunsets as well as windy,
rainy days.
Tasting is still an important part of eating
for them.
They still have the capacity to ask a child
an honest question- and hear the answer.
Their array of small, practical joys is seemingly
endless.
They instinctively embrace the enormity of
the gift of life by pausing at all the tiny
wonders, every day.
If you don't make time and create stillness
to consciously observe and experience these
wonders of life, your life experience becomes
shallow and you tend to be vulnerable to every
threat, however superficial or imaginary.
You run on empty, all the time.
If you don't stop and frequently acknowledge
all the tiny-yet-superior dimensions of life,
and make time to experience them, your soul
shrinks and your 'needs' will dominate your
life story.
Life offers its fullness to us every day,
yet so many of us opt for emotional starvation.
Happy people nurture the habit of fully experiencing
the content of their every-day reality and
inquisitively finding the nuggets of positive
influence in that reality.
This enjoyment of the bits of beauty and awareness
of the small treasures fuels a special form
of gratitude - deep, consistent appreciation.
Gratitude is probably the single most telling
characteristic of happiness, as the ability
to unconditionally appreciate something is
the ultimate counter-force to those monstrous
human self-destructors – anger, arrogance,
desire, indifference, regret, resentment and
guilt.
Gratitude is the most unselfish form of love.
It represents a mindfulness beyond guilt or
indebtedness.
It presents unsought gifts of serenity, unveils
grace in moments of pain.
It gently enforces perspective and humility.
No form of fear can hold its own when confronted
with true gratitude.
It empowers, beyond imagination.
It is the parent of all other virtues.
Happy people are grateful people.
They need less because they experience abundance.
If you decide to forget everything you have
read in this book, remember this sentence:
APPRECIATE compulsively, learn to derive more
joy from simple delights - and you will be
in touch with real happiness, every moment.
Are you aware of the treasures around you
and in your life?
Do you make time to ponder at and enjoy life's
generous gifts?
How relevant are your needs?
Do you actively practise gratitude?
4.
HAPPY PEOPLE OWN UP To THEIR FUTURE
Happy people take ownership of every situation
they are in; they take charge of their future.
They accept that at the start of every year,
every month, every week, every day - their
lives are a clean trail in the snow, and they
decide how and where they will leave their
tracks.
They don't opt for helplessness, and don't
settle for the belief that one's future is
'pre-determined'.
They are deeply aware of the fact that life
is not a rehearsal, so they choose carefully,
actively, and continuously when they allocate
their effort.
Happy people refuse to live by chance.
They take focused, decisive, and constructive
steps to realize their plans.
They accept that these steps don't always
guarantee or lead to the perfect outcome,
but they nonetheless hold themselves to a
philosophy that 'decisiveness guarantees progress'.
Again, remember that happy people don't spend
their days nestled between lilywhite cotton
sheets.
They live real lives under real circumstances.
But they suffer much less, because they prevent
many things from going wrong through strong,
forward-thinking decision-making.
They adjust to new conditions, and when necessary,
even create them.
They change what they can.
They influence outcomes.
They are open-minded yet strong-willed in
their approach to their future.
How do they do it?
First, they make planning a priority in their
lives.
They devote ample time to it as a scheduled
routine, and build supportive processes around
it.
Their agenda consists of four main headings,
in a specific order: Personal Wellness, Family
Sturdiness, Professional Progress and Wider
Community Joy.
This covers all the bases of their lives,
and reflects the pattern of a constructive
life plan- starting with oneself.
Secondly, they are very clear about the nature
of their journey.
They know what their purpose in life is, and
have defined their inspirations and aspirations
accordingly.
They live according to a chosen set of principles,
which prevents them from being distracted
by surface solutions, quick fixes, or other
people's lives.
They are even willing to revisit their values,
beliefs, and assumptions about life if the
facts upon which they based them have changed,
or if their insights have matured.
Thirdly, happy people set constructive goals
for themselves, personally and professionally.
They are clear about their goals, which enables
them to set priorities.
Their days, consequently, are characterized
by simplicity and directional savvy, because
they know what to keep in focus, which tasks
are secondary, and what to let go.
Their diaries mirror their priorities.
A life marked by ownership, planning, and
priorities enjoys a huge happiness advantage.
It gives personal meaning to the activity
of living.
It allows you the joy of completion and accomplishment.
It limits waste.
Do you make dynamic decisions about the quality
of your future- or are you waiting for the
future to 'happen to you'?
Are you on course in all facets of your life?
Do you set aside the time to plan?
Are you a responsible guardian of your own
life?
"There are two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as if everything is a miracle."
- Albert Einstein
5.
HAPPY PEOPLE ARE PASSIONATELY ENGAGED IN WHAT
THEY DO FOR A LIVING
Happy people fully embrace whatever they choose
to do.
When they are on holiday, they are fully there.
When they read, they take in every ounce of
information.
When they practise their faith, they reorient
their spirits for optimal growth.
When they choose to retire, they fill the
freedom with joyful content.
When they listen to music, they hear every
note and nuance.
Full engagement is a practice of passion.
It is rooted in an excitement to be alive.
Happy people draw no obvious distinction between
their work and their play; they always appear
to be doing both.
They enjoy their lives, even when they are
busy earning their living; they don' t spend
their working lives 'slaving away ' at a profession
they resent.
They are clear about their own path of value
creation instead of chasing after the dreams
of others or imitating someone else's skills.
Happy people respect and play to their strengths
and allow aspirations associated to those
strengths to shape their potential.
Obviously, it takes courage to do what you
love for a living - or to reshape what you
do until it inspires you.
You need a strong will to lend your career
the magic combination of heart, skill, and
intent, instead of simply 'doing a job' or
'showing up' every day.
You need a lot of self-motivation to professionally
practise what you believe in.
"Most people are other people.
Their thoughts are someone else's opinions,
their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."
- Oscar Wilde
Happy people show courage.
They build their careers around a personal
quest - a journey that captures their attention
and intelligence.
They allow their intrinsic fields of fascination
to become real-life experiences.
And this engagement in their 'tasks of will'
leaves them with an abundance of energy which
empowers them to become great at what they
do and allows them an 'unfair' competitive
edge.
Their souls are on fire when they work!
Do you make the most of every engagement you
decide upon?
Are you energized by the challenges of your
professional field?
Have you given yourself permission to be in
love with life?
Do you show the courage to make changes to
the content of your job until it fits your
sweet spot?
Are you on a professional mission with personal
significance?
Are you wholly engaged?
6.
HAPPY PEOPLE INVEST IN THEIR OVERALL WELLNESS
Happy people take care of themselves.
They treasure the gift of life and accept
responsibility for their own wellbeing.
Happy people care for their physical health.
Although numerous studies have shown that
people with disabilities and chronic illnesses
can also be content and at peace as well,
your body remains your central control system.
It's the head office of your life!
It's so much better to assist it to assist
you.
Without energy or with pain and discomfort,
life is simply 'less easy'.
Happy people normally stick to a simple health
regime.
First, they are conscious about what they
consume.
They hold themselves to a balanced diet rich
in natural immune boosters, they drink at
least seven glasses of water a day, they limit
the intake of animal fat, refined carbohydrates,
and simple sugars, and they avoid smoking
and the use of other harmful drugs and substances.
Second, they get ample exercise.
They understand that exercise produces endorphins
that sooth the brain and energise the body.
That fitness strengthens our immune system,
protects our cardiovascular network, and keeps
our frame intact.
Thirdly, they sleep well.
They understand the importance of recovery
in a hostile world - in which many modern
ailments can be linked to reduced immunity
flowing from our habit of 'under-sleeping'.
Happy people also take care of their spiritual
growth.
They afford themselves a purpose to their
lives - a quest with personal meaning through
which they make a real difference, every day.
They nurture their souls by surrounding themselves
with constructive people and a positive personal
environment.
They choose simplicity and avoid boredom.
They embrace light heartedness.
Happy people make time to silently reflect
on the good things in life.
They harness the peace encapsulated in inner
completeness, whether practicing it through
meditation, prayer, or traditional rituals,
regularly allowing their 'minds to come home'.
A happy spirit normally contributes to a happy
body.
Happy people also ensure that they continue
to invest in their intellectual capacity.
They respect the fact that our cognitive abilities
can be sculpted by intent.
They realize that our brain is constantly
changing - and changeable - and that strengthening
it takes mindful effort.
Our brain is an integral part of our physicality,
which means 'what's good for your body is
good for your brain', and of course 'what
is good for the brain also serves the body'.
Happy people nurture their intelligence by
retaining their curiosity and inviting new
information and unfamiliar learning into their
lives.
They often teach, create, converse, or write
- which compels them to challenge their synaptic
connections through the process of reflective
fermentation of existing information.
Finally, happy people attend to their personal
financial wellbeing.
They hold themselves to simple principles
and
time-tested realities: They spend less than
they earn, and so limit their lifetime cost
of debt.
They aren't obsessed with symbols of wealth,
and therefore waste less money.
They don't compete with their neighbors, which
makes it easier for them to save.
They focus on their primary competency, which
allows them to earn a good income.
They invest in the happiness of their family,
and so shape secure, 'inexpensive' children.
They have realistic expectations when they
invest their savings, and therefore earn better
long-term returns on their assets.
They plan their retirement, and in doing so,
achieve financial independence.
They don't make enemies, which keeps them
out of expensive disagreements.
And they don't fall victim to crises because
they plan well and so prevent many setbacks.
Do you actively invest in your wellness?
Do you consciously nurture all the components
and dimensions of your life?
Do you neglect yourself because you suffer
from a false moral dilemma, believing that
caring for yourself is 'selfish'?
Are you serious enough about preserving the
multi-faceted life you have been blessed with?
Do you believe prevention is better than cure?
7.
HAPPY PEOPLE HAVE CONSTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIPS
To be happy, it is important to get along
with people.
A life of social harmony makes the journey
much lighter.
Before engaging others and spending their
effort on strangers, happy people are firstly
aware of the importance of being their own
best friends.
They are fine with being in their own company,
and aren't lonely when alone.
Their most important relationship-with themselves-
is intact, guilt-free, undemanding, and a
calming experience.
Because this primary relationship is intact,
happy people also have sound relationships
with those around them.
We are not made to live in isolation.
Virtually all happiness research of significance
underscores the importance of positive relationships
with family, friends, and members of the communities
we belong to.
We remain in essence an 'ultra-social' tribe
and our associations with others address our
deep-seated need to collaborate, to be accepted,
and to share the spoils.
Happy people are great relationship gatekeepers.
They are good friends, but only to good friends.
They don't measure the quality of their relationship
experience by the number of people in their
lives.
They carefully select their relationships.
They don't associate with destructive or self-centered
people.
They walk away from negative attitudes and
toxic mentalities.
They don't fall prey to abusive associations.
Happy people don't see this choice of relative
exclusivity as being selfish, but as self-preserving.
"There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west - The only
folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know, We please
the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow To those
who love us best."
- Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Positive relationships are like a campfire
- you have to feed them to prevent them from
burning out.
To lighten each other's burdens and share
each other's joy is energy intensive.
'Less' is more.
To invite too many people into our lives is
like trying to spread a thousand loaves with
a single pat of butter.
We are wired to maintain roughly five to seven
relationships well; anything more causes quality
leakage, exhaustion, and unnatural behaviour.
It normally leads to all your relationships
becoming superficial and unsustainable.
Solid relationships aren't 'crowd-compliant'.
This doesn't mean that happy people don't
know many people or have more than a handful
of acquaintances; it comes down to the fact
that they realize you can't invest in more
intimate relationships than you are humanly
capable of sustaining.
And they are conscious that, after relating
well to themselves, first in line for quality
attention are those people who share a roof
with them, the members of their household.
When Mother Teresa received the Nobel Prize
she was asked, "What can we do to promote
world peace?"
She replied, "Go home and love your families."
A great source of unhappiness is people's
focus on fringe relationships and the neglect
of their most intimate ones.
How would you rate the quality of your relationships?
Are you peaceful in your own company?
Do you leave people better off?
Do your relationships overwhelm or strengthen
you?
Are the members of your immediate family a
priority in word and deed?
8.
HAPPY PEOPLE HARNESS AN OPTIMISTIC WORLD VIEW
Happy people are positive people.
They view and approach life through a filter
of realism, yet retain an infectious enthusiasm
about life in general.
They choose to live 'less serious' lives.
Practical optimism is an action-orientated
outlook, not a 'feel-good' mindset, nor one
that ignores the brutal facts of life.
It's a solution-seeking attitude instead of
being paralyzed by fear.
It's about being hopeful, because you are
willing to do what it takes to improve the
outcome; it's about eagerly learning lessons,
being involved in refining and implementing
improvements to your practice of living.
Real positivism is about solving and preventing
problems, not laughing them off or naively
looking away when they occur.
It's a capacity to view failure as temporary;
limited, and a part of life- and then moving
on to a solution.
A positive mindset demands that you don't
hoard baggage.
Happy people put the past behind them.
They forgive more easily.
They don't waste energy on carrying grudges
and playing judge.
They are not energized through revenge.
This attitude in some sense echoes Shakespeare's
words: "I would rather have a fool make me
merry, than experience make me sad".
They have resolved that being glum is the
most unproductive way of spending their present.
Happy people see the funny side of life.
They can chuckle at life and laugh at themselves
- and they do it often.
They enjoy humor for what it is: a very efficient
shock absorber to life's turbulent moments,
exposing all those ironic gaps between beliefs
and reality, between trivial and important.
They have a resilient spirit.
When they smile, they smile with their eyes.
They carry lightness.
Does your view of life make things easier
or more difficult for you?
Do your opinions energize and inspire, or
do they dent the spirit of those exposed to
you?
Do you solve problems or do you sulk about
them?
Do you laugh enough?
Do you move on or do you get stuck?
9.
HAPPY PEOPLE ACCEPT THAT HAPPINESS Is A DAY-TO-DAY
EFFORT
Now for the sobering part - leaving the crucial
message for last.
Happiness is work!
Being miserable is infinitely easier than
being happy.
Because many of life's moments carry the capacity
to turn on us - if we allow them to.
We are practically surrounded by unhappiness
traps - inside ourselves and in our circumstances.
So, if we don't attune our minds and actions
to counter these pitfalls every day, we will
surely fall victim to many of them.
Our complex society and apprehensive nature
invite us to self-destruct and make life very
personal.
Happiness is therefore a thing to be practiced...
"like a violin", someone once said.
Happy people start by giving themselves the
go-ahead to be happy.
Then they work at it, every day, starting
with a clean slate, to keep this permission
alive.
They approach it with serious intent, yet
conquer it one step at a time.
If you are not committed to this consistent
effort, happiness will be difficult to sustain.
Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy.
It's no different from any other spheres of
your life.
Your thirst isn't quenched forever when you
drink a glass of water; your bills aren't
paid forever once you
mail one check; you don't stay fit if you
don't exercise often.
And so, you won't be afforded unconditional
happiness, without consistently doing what
needs to be done to keep your life aligned
to the disciplines of bliss.
Alexandre Dumas once said, "Happiness is like
those palaces in fairy tales whose gates are
guarded by dragons; we must fight to conquer
it".
Happy people take on this challenge with renewed
enthusiasm, every day.
This is the reason for the second part of
this book - to help you create a framework
within which this 'work' makes sense.
Always remember what they say about overnight
success - it's normally years in the making.
Happiness is a classic example of such an
'overnight success'!
And that's it.
These are the nine principles that direct
and characterize the lives of truly happy
people.
It sounds simple and most of it should actually
come across as general knowledge, but you
will be surprised how many people regard them
as 'too simple'.
They keep on searching for the secret.
We know each of these nine points justifies
a book on its own.
We simply want to sensitize you to each and
invite you to wrap them around your own life.
Recall them often as reminders to steer your
personal happiness journey.
Test yourself daily against these principles.
Build your own strategy and routines around
them.
Treasure and upgrade those already in place
in your life.
You could even consider to, in time, read
a good book on each of these principles.
''Action may not always bring happiness; but
there is no happiness without action."
- Benjamin Disraeli
CHAPTER 3.
THE ORIGIN OF UNHAPPINESS
Why return to unhappiness, you may be asking,
when we are just about getting the drift of
what happiness is?
The answer is simple: happiness is the type
of subject you understand even better when
you analyse its foe.
By spending a few moments on the opposite
end of the scale, you also have an opportunity
to subconsciously audit your own vulnerability
to unhappiness.
THE INGREDIENTS OF UNHAPPINESS
Unhappiness is not about having more downs
than ups.
It is about going through life forever desiring
something else.
It's a state of lasting discontentment, and
it happens for different reasons at different
times.
When you analyze the phenomenon of 'inner
poverty', it comes down to the inverse of
the happiness principles we covered in the
previous chapter.
The degree of unhappiness may vary from person
to person, and the prevalence of some of the
principles more dominant than others.
We are also deeply aware of the fact that
there might be serious medical or psychological
grounds for some people's bleak life experiences.
Barring these conditions, however, the root
cause of discontent is to be found in a combination
of the following dispositions:
-A destructive thinking pattern
Unhappy people entertain a thought pattern
that turns everyday conditions into a dramatic
mental script, a storyline in which victims
and villains dominate the 'movie'.
They crudely classify situations as rewards
and threats, categorize people as friends
or foes, and value outcome as personal loss
or gain.
Essentially, they spend their lives in survival
mode, exhausting themselves by framing life
as a win-lose experience, defending themselves
against illusory enemies, and responding in
some forceful way to these fears.
These degrees of inner agony leave them susceptible
to superficial solutions, to control by so-called
'liberators' and to expensive remedies.
A hostile mind shapes a hostile personal world.
-Being a passive victim of circumstances
Unhappy people freeze or panic in the face
of challenging conditions.
They easily succumb to the blows of life - opting
for bitterness instead of betterness.
They spend their lives on a never-ending mission
to delegate accountability.
Finding culprits gives them more satisfaction
than finding solutions.
What happens around them often ends up being
a very personal, explosive affair.
They frequently surrender to illusory harm,
often spending time in the alleys of history.
They are masters at explaining the nature
of their complaints.
- Being generally dissatisfied
Unhappy people ooze a spirit of discontentment-and
therefore tend to stumble from conflict to
quarrel.
Something is always 'blowing up or burning
down', or the feeling that something is about
to.
"The brick walls are not there to keep us
out.
The brick walls are there to give us a chance
to show how badly we want something.
The brick walls are there to stop the people
who don't want it badly enough."
- Randy Pausch
It is difficult for them to enjoy simple things.
In fact, they find many of the generous gifts
of life irritating because of their lack of
substance, or aren't even aware of them.
They are caught in a wedge between what they
have and what they argue they should have.
Their preoccupations centre around 'what's
lacking'.
They find it difficult to love, even more
so when you add the word 'unconditional' to
that love.
They argue that to unreservedly accept and
care for life and its variety of role players
is an unfair expectation.
Gratitude is at best an occasional moment
of good manners to them.
They are often glad when a day ends.
- Bargaining on chance, then forever blaming
someone or something
Unhappy people let their futures happen to
them.
Their tomorrows are in someone else's hands.
They never find time to plan.
And, consequently, they learn to hide behind
a mental wall of confessions, resentment,
and guilt trips.
They are always ready to identify a perpetrator.
And they spend endless hours in illusory court
cases, finding someone else at fault, reaping
their limited moments of meaning at someone
else's expense, and bringing someone else
to heel.
All of this turmoil is because the definition
of their lives and the quality of their future
have been 'outsourced' - and are therefore
hijacked by 'offenders'.
- Living a disconnect
Unhappy people are masterful 'dislikers'.
They always want something else.
When they are at work, they want to retire.
When they are retired, they want to work.
Professionally, they are 'doing someone else's
job' for a living.
Their passion remains a distant dream.
Their career and workplace are sources of
misery.
Their hearts aren't there, and their best
energy spent on something else.
This lack of engagement inhibits their contribution
and often leaves them economically deprived,
no matter what their native level of talent
might be.
They have settled for professional detachment
and a soulless work experience.
And it starts with the fact that they aren't
too excited about life itself.
-Abusing or disregarding themselves
Unhappy people aren't well - and normally
don't look, sound, or feel well.
They neglect their health, allow their spirit
to run dry, and become intellectually lazy.
It shows in the second half of their lives,
when youthfulness doesn't disguise the damage
anymore.
Their finances are often a mess.
Their scars of discontentment reveal themselves
in their appearance, sentiment, and behaviour.
They blame this disrepair on a 'hostile environment'.
But the vandalizing actually started long
ago, sadly often by indifferent parents, and
then continued as a personal style.
They passively oversee an unnecessary erosion
of their lives - essentially opting for treatment
instead of avoidance.
- Being isolated from, or overwhelmed by,
people
Unhappy people are often insecure.
This may mean that they hide from people or,
on the other side of the social scale, they
invite every stranger they meet into their
lives as 'friends'.
Their relationships are marked by unnatural
constraints and obligations, a social pendulum
swinging between dependence and rejection.
Their associations are regularly burdened
by control and forceful interactions-normallybecause
of being exposed to such relationship models
early in their lives.
They usually allow a crooked ranking of relationships,
not befriending themselves, attending to those
in their own households first, before allowing
outsiders into their lives.
- Being cynical and negative
Unhappy people can spread contagious pessimism
and erode the spirit of those around them.
They are masters at describing a problem or
designing doomsday scenarios and at dressing
up hopelessness.
Their conversations are built around personal
criticism and general objections.
It's as if they are happy when they can be
unhappy!
They expect the worst from life; worrying
and grieving offer them a strange sense of
satisfaction.
They view their setbacks as permanent, pervasive,
and personal.
They draw energy from trying to prove that
life is a dark and dangerous place.
They are often depressed.
"Failure is seldom a single, cataclysmic event.
Failure is a few errors in judgement, repeated
every day."
-Jim Rohn
- Passively accepting unhappiness as their
fate
Unhappy people don't regard happiness as a
verb or a concept they can actually do something
about.
They are simply the 'unlucky' ones, not destined
for inner harmony and outer advancement.
They focus on what they don't want or have
in life, instead of concentrating on what
they want and what they can do about it.
They spend their days in defensive mode.
They depend on a flawed formula for happiness.
How depressing it is to just review this selection
of unhappiness traits?
It's one long description of severe inner
turmoil.
Skim the list once more and imagine a person
you know who shows some of these destructive
symptoms.
And can you think of a person who does not
display any of these traits?
Do you agree that the first person is someone
you will not exactly describe as happy, while
the second one may very well strike you as
happy?
And what about you?
Do you perhaps recognise some of these 'habits
of unhappiness' in your own life?
If you do, do you realise it's probably a
subconscious decision to hold onto them?
You are free to blame your parents for them,
but at a certain point in your life, looking
over your shoulder for the reasons of some
of these traits in your life just doesn't
cut it anymore.
How willing are you to admit it or do something
about it?
Do you realize how difficult you make happiness
for yourself and people around you if you
accommodate these behaviours?
Just a reminder again: as is the case with
happiness, unhappiness is not necessarily
an absolute state.
Some people are 'less unhappy' than others.
The point remains that 'less unhappy' still
doesn't mean happy.
And the remedy is simple- starting to consciously
chip away at your unhappiness, every day,
stopping yourself when you digress, saying
no when you see it coming.
Why are some of us unhappy?
This brings us to the million-dollar question.
What makes people choose to be unhappy?
Ongoing despondency and despair clearly cannot
be a rational choice.
Why then do some opt for the traits described
above - or why do they fall prey to them?
A fundamental source of unhappiness relates
to an inability to control primitive instincts.
Sociologists make no bones about the fact
that intellectually and emotionally, we might
have significantly outgrown our Stone Age
neurology, but that when it really matters,
our instincts still merrily dictate how we
conduct our lives.
We may appear and sound civilised, they argue,
but when the chips are down, we act surprisingly
primitive.
Our 'old brain' is well and alive.
The essence of this theory originates from
the standpoint that, while we are able to
solve many of our present day, self-made complexities,
we still shudder when confronted with two
ancient life-threatening notions: rejection
and scarcity.
In other words, the fears of not 'having enough'
and not 'being enough' make us afraid of being
excluded from the primary circle of life.
The scientific argument goes that these fears
are the result of a neural network still at
work in our brain, which once helped us to
survive as a species.
As you may know, they call it our 'fight or
flight' instincts.
Simply put,
these instincts cause our 'rational, present-day'
brain to be much more of an obedient servant
than we would have liked it to be a slave
to our old Stone Age way of thinking.
We default to survival mode in a blink, notwithstanding
all the proof that we don't have to be in
survival mode any longer.
Nobody has ever unplugged our 'primitive'
brain to relieve us of all its outdated programming!
TEN UNHAPPINESS TRAPS
1.
Look for the hurt in things
2.
Find the enemy in others
3.
A poor-me attitude
4.
A craving for validation
5.
Compare and compete
6.
Upsizing life's imperfections
7.
Dramatizing your past
8.
Conditional love
9.
Trying to change someone
10.
Fear-casting the future
(Try to articulate the opposites of these
behaviours for your own use)
Failing to keep this basic biological circuitry
of fear under control, we believe, is one
of the greatest enemies of happiness.
These days, what is good for survival is often
bad for happiness.
To listen to one's primitive fears in a world
that is much more abstract and no longer 'jungle-friendly'
- and in which survival has become a gentle
and mostly symbolic affair - is often disastrous
and counter-productive.
Our primary stress hormones don't serve us
very well any longer.
Look around you; listen carefully.
Do you see and hear the 'symbolic' efforts
of people to quell their fears of 'rejection'
and 'scarcity'?
Do you recognize how many people live life
almost unconsciously, allowing these ancient
forces to dictate how they should fill their
days?
Their fear of failure leads their thought
process and plays a role in many of their
important decisions.
Do you understand why people will buy what
they cannot afford?
Do you realize it is 'to be accepted' - or
otherwise to temporarily smooth the deep-seated
fear of 'relative scarcity'?
There are so many examples of where these
fears manifest themselves daily.
People will have undesirable relationships,
or even suffer abuse, just to
feel 'less rejected'.
They will let their reputation suffer in an
effort to get hold of more wealth - either
to feel more secure or at least to create
the image of being resource-rich, and so try
to ensure acceptance.
Some will even ruin their health in pursuit
of wealth.
People will consume what their bodies cannot
really process, symbolically trying to 'stamp
abundance' on their lives.
All these and many other modern ways of addressing
ancient fears seriously affect people's personal
happiness, because the mismatch causes immense
financial, social, and psychological strain.
This ongoing, impulsive reaction to these
ingrained fears has nothing to do with a lack
of intelligence.
It simply happens, irrespective of all the
rational reasons why it shouldn't.
And there is an immense urgency to it.
It enforces a short-term orientation and knee-jerk
responses - and the 'quick fix' industries
touting pharmaceuticals and sensory stimulation
flourish on this urge.
They know very well that the therapy effect
of immediate satisfaction temporarily alleviates
both these calls of nature, and that people
don't 'calculate' when they buy when in impulse
mode.
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself"
-Franklin D. Roosevelt
Responsible long-term decisions will always
struggle to hold up to short-term gratification.
People's quest to feel 'less rejected' or
'more affluent' often limits their good sense.
All of us, unfortunately, carry this genetic
backwardness with us; some of us just manage
it better- and are therefore happier.
In other words, some of us are better equipped
to fear less, or have consciously steered
ourselves away from these primitive urges.
Happy people use their 'clever' brain to limit
the irrelevant messages of their primeval
brain.
Less happy people tend to be more victimized
by their ancient fear centres.
The practical side-effects of these neurological
fears can be radically pronounced because
of traumatic childhood experiences.
In turn, they can be much more under control
because of a sound upbringing.
Children who haven't experienced security,
acceptance, peace, and love during early caregiving
- especially during the first
six years of their lives - might experience
more pronounced fear as adults.
If you haven't been accepted unconditionally
as a child, or if you have been exposed to
systemic insecurity in whatever form, it might
affect your inherent level of security as
an adult.
The parenting we receive is therefore potentially
one of the most profound exogenous deciding
factors in our happiness outcome as adults.
The security instilled because of good parenting
acts as an ingrained buffer against outdated
genetic anxieties - and therefore against
unhappiness.
Many unhappy people had unhappy upbringings;
they are more prone to fear and more inclined
to display instinctive behaviour, leaving
them vulnerable.
The subject of upbringing demands a book of
its own - and many wonderful ones have been
written over centuries on the subject, explaining
the profound impact of parenting on a person's
happiness.
Read some of them - especially if you plan
to be a parent or are busy raising a child
yourself.
Now the question begs - do the previous few
pages imply that we are victims of our genetic
blueprint and neurological legacy?
Well, that's for you to decide.
Personally, we don't believe you need to be
a victim, despite the fact that we've alerted
you to these influences.
In our daily work with people, we have seen
remarkable shifts in people's happiness simply
because they wanted to change, then backed
this decision with a strategy.
Be careful not to use some sort of genetic
excuse as a cop-out.
Sure, you can opt for the classic 'This-is-the-way-lam'
excuse or 'They say there is nothing you can
do about it'.
If you program your mind with the conclusion,
'I'm a victim of my parents,' or 'My fears
are based on reality', you have to accept
the consequences.
Unfortunately, such capitulation will only
contribute to an increase in your unhappiness.
We are a unique species for one outstanding
reason - we are equipped with a sophisticated
decision-making ability.
We have minds that can make higher order choices
and override instinctive stimuli.
The 'clever' part of the human brain, called
the neocortex, holds our cognitive abilities,
spiritual intelligence, emotional competence,
free will, and many other uniquely wonderful
capabilities.
If you want it to be, it can also be the master
of your 'fight or flight' brain.
Many people go through life unhappy, passively
allowing themselves to be bamboozled by the
remnants of their genetic blueprint and the
outdated alarms of their primitive brain.
They shun their discretionary ability to make
decisions about their happiness, and refuse
to put in the hours to upgrade their capacity
to be happy.
The absence of willpower and self-discipline
is hard to explain.
It remains difficult to know why people with
the necessary intellectual resources still
won1t decisively do something about their
happiness, why they elect to be victims, and
why they avoid the extraordinary magic of
choice.
The reasons given for this self-inflicted
passivity or 'learned helplessness, are vague.
Objectively speaking, the excuses are unconvincing
as well.
Hopefully, it is obvious that you should never
expect sympathy from the world if you have
access to all the equipment for a better life,
but choose to be a passive casualty instead.
To summarize, willpower is like an emotional
muscle- a direct outflow of the use of your
decision-making capacity.
The more decisions you make to proactively
manage your life towards more happiness and
not simply
react defensively or leave it to chance, the
more willpower you will develop.
All muscles work like that.
The stronger your willpower becomes, the less
you will be inclined to become a victim of
genes, outdated fears, destructive habits,
or irrelevant activities.
Choice is the father of freedom, as following
through with action is the mother of permanent
progress.
CHAPTER 4.
PRACTICAL GUIDELINES, THOUGHTS, SUGGESTIONS,
AND REMINDERS IN THE INTEREST OF HAPPINESS
Let's quickly recap.
A happy life is a prolonged experience of
meaning and fulfilment, a long-lasting enduring
enjoyment of life, not the arrival of a mystical
moment or a string of joyful events.
It is the result of taking charge of every
part of your day, of every day of your life,
and so of your destiny.
It is living from the inside out.
And it has a lot to do with taking ownership
of your own mind.
Happiness is profound yet simple.
It is an extraordinary experience- being in
harmony with the life you live, and with life
itself.
Happy people don't have special circumstances.
Neither do they bargain on external windfalls.
They are their own people, not exhausted competitors
in someone else's race.
They differ in that they select to do things
differently, think differently, and choose
differently- no matter what their circumstances
may be.
They de-complicate life by the way they respond
to it, and apply a mindset that positively
influences every dimension of their lives.
Happiness is not 'one big thing'.
It's not a single-answer solution or an instant
turnaround.
It doesn't arrive with fanfare.
It's much less of a silky experience than
people realize.
It cannot be bestowed upon you.
It's not a moment of glory.
It's enjoying the process as much as the outcome,
and seeing life as a privilege, not a pressure
cooker.
Seeking happiness as a 'big moment' is in
fact the antithesis of happiness.
To build your happiness on things you can
lose again leaves you forever vulnerable.
Happiness is the by-product of a million small
things - whether actions, thoughts, or choices
- habitually repeated, an integrated way of
living, adding up to a lifetime experience
of inner wellbeing.
It's the result of working, playing, and loving
considerately, not being a victim of your
own needs.
It's a very practical journey, starting with
a renewed commitment every day and ending
in contentment and appreciation - every day-
however tough some of those days may be.
Happiness is about treasuring the simple
joys of life.
It's about pursuing the good without grasping,
and receiving the bad without suffering.
It's a state of mind that supports you in
good and bad times.
It's not something that changes every time
your situation
changes.
And there is only one address for happiness
- your own; only one possible time to experience
it- now.
In this chapter, we would like to offer you
a bouquet of hints.
Just a few simple inward-looking suggestions.
It's no magic manifesto, yet a few thoughts
which, if practised over a lifetime, one day
at a time, will most definitely have a compound
effect on your happiness level.
Many of these practical cues may indeed even
be well-known to you- and may already be well-entrenched
as habits in your life.
If so, use them as confirmations.
Please don't see the suggestions as a recipe
to achieve instant emotional comfort.
Remember, happiness is work, not magic.
There is a lot of rewiring involved.
Rather regard these few pages as a menu from
which you may choose to gradually influence
your approach to life.
It's important that you personalize and establish
the suggestions as guidelines in your day-to-day
activity map, depending on where you are in
your life, being aware where you come from.
We all are different and all
have different perspectives.
But we can all change, if we choose to do
what it takes.
"Misery is among the most democratic o.
f all life experiences."
-Anonymous
It's up to you ...
There is nobody and nothing around to make
this 'happiness' thing happen for you.
Stop looking on the outside.
Declare yourself accountable.
And turn inward.
You have to come to the decision (if you haven't
already) that only you can be held responsible
for your happiness - that only you can be
blamed if you are not happy.
Peace, inner fulfilment, and contentment are
private, 'object-lite' sensations.
You shape them in the space only you can reach.
Once you have taken ownership of your happiness,
it becomes a practical, manageable affair.
It turns into a way instead of an event, a
process instead of a means.
It clears the way for a momentous shift in
your spiritual maturity.
Happy people don't expect circumstances to
shape their happiness.
Embrace the responsibility.
Map your way...
Create the time to plan.
The world is friendlier to a person with a
plan.
Planning is, unfortunately, not an activity
you can practise 'on the fly' or 'in the shower'.
It's an intellectually absorbing activity
and demands your full attention.
Set time aside for it and work off an agenda
that covers all the bases of your life.
Make it a formal activity in your life.
You do it in business; why should it be different
in your own life?
Create a decent pause once a year for an annual
review of your life.
Walk away from this retreat with revived directional
decisions and a set of fresh priorities for
the next 12 months.
Follow through with monthly reviews.
Shape every month around your priorities.
End a week by taking an hour to fine-tune
your schedule for the next seven days.
And every morning when you begin your day,
have a clear vision of the results you want
to walk away with.
Happy people concentrate their energy and
optimize their time.
Own up to your future.
"For tomorrow belongs to the people who prepare
for it today."
-African proverb
Live in gratitude...
Imagine you lost everything.
Everything you own, your loved ones, your
health, your freedom... everything.
Now imagine you got it all back tomorrow.
How happy would you be tomorrow?
Be grateful on purpose.
Learn to appreciate what you have, even the
small things, all of them, every day.
How can you expect more from life if you aren't
even aware of what you already have?
More won't do it for you if a little doesn't.
Spare a moment, regularly, to salute life's
little miracles, even those that aren't that
pretty.
Watch them, touch them, hear them, smell them,
feel them, talk to them.
Treasure your blessings - write them down
if you need to, every day, until you are fully
aware of them.
Find things to approve of instead of disapprove.
Turn your common days into thanksgivings.
Focus on the things that work instead of slaving
away at an inventory of what you are missing.
Stop whining.
Laugh more.
Ask less.
Life is a privilege.
We are invited for a brief moment to experience
its elegance.
Behave like a guest at a once-in-a-lifetime
event.
Happy people cherish life.
Softly hold onto the opportunity to be around
for a while.
Retain your zest...
Spice up your basic program regularly.
Don't become a slave to a joyless schedule.
Own more of your diary.
Create opportunities for new discoveries.
Decommission outdated routines.
Visit interesting places.
Look for opportunities to grow.
Seize amusing moments.
Question your schedule.
Learn from someone.
Happy people don't settle for energy decay.
Prune your habits.
Serial time-wasters in the lives of professionals
1.
Blurred priorities
2.
Interruptions and electronic 'pop-ups'
3.
Meetings for the sake of meetings
4.
Terminal urgencies and crises; poor planning
5.
Saying 'yes' to unimportant commitments
6.
Travel
(If these points are relevant to you, treat
yourself to one suggestion next to each point
with the aim to take back 10% of the time
wasted - and continue the habit)
Let it go...
Cut back on clutter.
Happiness is rooted in simplicity.
Modern society will present you with an assembly
of excuses to live an emotionally complicated
and inherently stressful life.
Lift yourself above the noise and hold onto
what's really important.
Free up your spirit.
Walk away from nonsense.
Clean the slate.
Complexity won't eliminate itself.
It's the ultimate hoarder- inviting more of
the same!
You eliminate complexity by identifying low-value
glut - and throwing it off.
Know what is important when you start your
days.
Excuse yourself from what is not important
during your days.
Let go of mental garbage at the end of your
days.
A happy spirit is a litter-free one.
Travel light.
A hatful of tips from an old farmer
1.
Life is simpler when you plough around the
stump.
2.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
3.
The biggest troublemaker on your farm watches
you from the mirror every morning.
4.
Every path has a few puddles.
5.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
6.
If you get to thinking you're a person of
some influence, try ordering your neighbour's
dog around.
7.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
8.
Good judgment comes from living through many
seasons, but the stickiest lessons come from
bad judgment in some of those seasons.
Limit your frustrations...
Trim your expectations.
A disappointment is often the result of loaded
expectations.
Aim high, set firm goals, and expend good
energy on what you want to achieve, but avoid
constant regret by always giving yourself
ample margin for error.
A mindset of modest expectations fuels calmness,
and sees to a life filled with many positive
episodes and pleasant surprises.
It's not a question of settling for mediocrity;
it's the wisdom to flow with reality.
Happy people don't over-expect.
Be pragmatic.
Keep your distance...
The only person on the entire planet you have
real leverage on is yourself.
Although we would love to believe otherwise,
we don't hold effective domain over anybody
except ourselves.
If you want someone else to behave differently,
the only workable strategy is to adjust your
own behaviour.
You cannot productively control, own, change,
press, or motivate someone else.
These are things we can only do for ourselves.
When you let goof forceful interference, your
true influence increases.
When you change your own behaviour, behaviour
around you will change.
The fewer words you use, the more people listen.
The less pressure you apply, the quicker the
response you hope for.
Happy people understand that the only lives
they can direct are their own.
Invest in your own behaviour instead of trying
to change someone else.
8 non-forceful ways with the best chance of
influencing someone's behaviour
1.
Share valuable information.
2.
Listen non judgmentally.
3.
Answer questions objectively.
4.
Change what you expect from him.
5.
Change the way you respond to her.
6.
Encourage him.
7.
Recognise her achievements.
8.
Prevent him from becoming dependent on your
resources, availability, and sympathy.
Steer clear...
Not all information is valuable information.
Jealously guard the entrance to your mind.
Don't get paralysed by every story.
Carefully select what you listen to, read
or believe.
Own the access to your thoughts.
Regard your mind as a premier facility.
Beware of buying into the dramatization of
life that makes the mass media successful.
They capitalize on what is called our 'negative
bias' - our capacity to make more of bad news
than of equivalently good news.
The intellectual junk food it punts supports
a thinking pattern riddled with pessimism,
eventually colouring all our experiences,
and skewing all our decisions.
Move out of the space of toxic intentions
and sensationalized information.
Happy people afford themselves a balanced,
nutritious intake of information.
Up your intellectual taste.
Mind the facts...
Stop using the words 'all, always, and never'.
Learn to single out the moment, as 'a' moment,
or the event, as 'an' event.
See one person doing it, not 'all' people.
Accept that it is different this time, instead
of reading that it will 'always' be like this.
Intellectual oversimplification degrades our
minds and leads to unproductive decisions.
Happy people don't burden their thinking with
generalisations.
Be specific
"A sad life story is marked by unfortunate,
external deficiencies.
A tragic story is one in which defeat stems
from the unaddressed internal flaw of poor
thinking."
-Anonymous
Quid pro quo...
You are the chief creator of the respect others
afford you.
People will learn how to treat you by watching
how you treat yourself.
If you neglect or harm yourself, others will
probably mistreat you as well.
If it is clear that you care for yourself,
for your time, for your family, for your finances...
you will be treated with extra courtesy.
Broken windows and chipped paint send a message
that nobody is in charge and that nothing
matters.
A building that is in order and well-maintained
commands respect.
The same applies to a human life.
Public respect starts at self-respect.
Happy people enjoy respect because they regard
themselves.
Mould your own esteem.
Leaving a footprint...
If you choose to be a parent, choose to be
a loving one.
Treasure your children - understand the responsibility
of shaping a new life.
Fortunately, children do not expect perfection
- just explicit, unconditional love.
Spoil your kids with affection, laughter,
and lots of time together.
Accept them unreservedly.
Show compassion and patience.
Earn their respect.
Demonstrate good values.
Do it from day one.
You have one opportunity to raise your child,
to sculpt another human being.
Respect the extensive consequences of your
effort.
There is no joy as great as witnessing the
success and happiness of your children later
on in life, and knowing that you had something
to do with it.
You can never spoil children by making them
too happy.
Happy parents are devoted parents.
Give enough of yourself.
Parenting going wrong
1.
Having an 'unwanted' child.
2.
Saying one thing while demonstrating another.
3.
Talking down.
4.
Having disruptive relationship between parents.
5.
Being self-absorbed; listening without hearing.
6.
Trying to live your life through your child.
7.
Adopting a stern and punitive style.
8.
Trying to outsource a:ffection to a nanny
or school.
9.
Playing your children off against each other.
10.
Being emotionally absent or cold.
11.
Being impatient and temperamental in your
interactions.
12.
Underestimating the formative importance of
the pre-school years.
(If you are a parent, define the opposites
of these points as guiding principles.)
Modify the message...
We all have a little voice that talks to us
in our heads.
It articulates messages with a huge influence
on our lives.
It's our own voice, consistently chatting
away in the corridors of our subconscious
mind.
One of the biggest drawbacks of this hidden
conversation is that it concentrates on explaining
our deficiencies to us.
It shouts out the things we get wrong.
It warns us against impending failure.
It reminds us of our shortcomings.
Override your inner self-talk whenever you
catch yourself participating in it by consciously
reminding yourself of the things you get right.
Reinstruct your subconscious mind.
Dull its effort to highlight failure by intentionally
countering it with the inventory of your successes.
When you practise a different pattern of thoughts,
you reinforce those neural pathways and in
the process change your brain chemistry.
Happy people have a constructive inner voice.
Remind yourself of what went well.
Weigh with care...
Learn to gauge the size of a disappointment
with a longer-term mindset.
You should always ask yourself, "How serious
will this setback be five years from now?"
It's so easy to be absorbed by immediate imperfections,
but so few of them are of any true significance.
Most of them aren't even relevant a month
from now.
Happy people maintain perspective.
Learn to 'right-size' your problems.
An expensive hobby...
The demise of most empires had one thing in
common - a debt burden.
Beware of debt!
Buy something when you can pay for more than
a third of it in cash.
Live in your financial present.
Debt is the consequence of trying to live
tomorrow's life, today.
Once that becomes a habit, your present income
will never be enough.
Be realistic about what you can really afford.
Don't buy through the eyes of others.
Showing off is expensive.
The sinking feeling after the rush of an excessive
credit purchase is just not worth it.
Financiers are most helpful when you get the
desire to spend tomorrow's money today, but
not in explaining the compound effect this
privilege has on your personal financial affairs
over time.
Debt is expensive!
Borrowing too much money normally plunges
you into playing catch-up­ sometimes for
the rest of your life.
Happy people are at peace with their present
financial capacity.
Approach credit with great care.
"Debt is the slavery of the free."
- Publilius Syrus
At your doorstep...
Many people aspire to GO TO heaven or a similar
divine destination.
Different religions, philosophies, and traditions
all portray this magic place, and the path
leading there, in their own unique ways.
In the meantime, very few people choose to
BE there now, while still being alive.
They decline the experience of wonder, while
still being part of this world.
Divinity on earth is a fairly quiet place.
So many of us miss its entrance in pursuit
of the 'one-day' version, being fixated on
the 'heaven up there', the one to be received
as a reward.
Heaven on earth is not something you can receive,
but rather, a space of bringing joy, giving
love and causing peace.
It's present in the moments when you share
a slice of your soul.
When you show sincerity, listen with compassion,
show empathy.
When you choose to bring comfort and show
generosity instead of being self-obsessed.
When you help someone to heal instead of choosing
to harm.
When you act as an equal instead of posing
as a superior.
Happy people craft moments of grace.
Step into paradise.
Go for quality...
Most of the advice on relationships tries
to guide people on 'how to make it work'.
Ours is slightly different.
We suggest you consider walking away from
those that are not working.
Only allow real friends and constructive relationships
in your life.
Be selective on who you spend time on and
with.
Don't suffer abuse or superficial associations
- you gain by avoiding it, you don't 'lose
out' on a relationship.
Have as little as possible interaction with
cynics.
Beware of self-centered people.
Don't take part in conversations that are
built on gloom.
Beware of opportunistic companionships.
A real relationship leaves both parties with
more energy.
It's a safe, soft place rich in trust and
care.
Sound friendships are not built on guilt or
indebtedness, and not sustainable when marked
by dependence or exploitation.
Preserve your own energy- don't let it leak
through the cracks of shallow, forced, or
selfish relations - not socially, not in a
wider family context, not in business.
'Less is more' in the world of real relationships.
As wonderful as good relationships are, the
consequences of accommodating the wrong people
in your life can be severe.
Happy people have empowering relationships;
they are not swarmed by a demanding crowd
or exploitive individuals.
Be exclusive.
No flipping channels...
Productive multi-tasking is a contradiction
in terms.
We cannot do more than one thing at a time
well.
It has become one of the most damaging myths
out there.
If you watch a lioness hunting in the wild,
she will focus on one wildebeest.
She never focuses on more than one- because
she knows the odds of missing both are stacked
against her.
The value of focus is still respected where
survival is at stake.
Our brain can really only focus on one thing
at a time.
Multitasking is known to slow people down
by 50% and increases the frequency of mistakes
by 50% as well.
When we try to multitask, our brain is actually
switching between tasks, abandoning the one
when attending to the other.
It leaves your brain in a state of semi-attendance.
Our persistence in trying to get our brain
to focus on more things at once has trained
it to have an attention deficit.
Some people simply cannot focus for any significant
period of time anymore.
Sharpen your intellect by returning to the
habit of doing one thing at a time.
Rediscover the value of consecutive tasking,
instead of settling for the quality dilution
associated with multitasking.
Exceptional work is always associated with
periods of deep concentration.
Nothing excellent ever comes from scattered
effort.
Happy people are one place at a time.
Take back the magic of concentration.
Stillness...
Harness your soul.
Make ample time to practise peace.
Allow yourself enough silence.
Use the religion, philosophy, technique, or
tradition of your preference to deepen your
consciousness and harmonise your spirit.
Your inner self demands as much care and nurturing
as your body does.
It's the deep soil out of which you grow your
life.
If you cultivate your spirit and emotionally
reload, the stresses of life will find it
difficult to erode the serenity you carry.
Resilience and renewal start from within;
peace re-equips the body with its natural
defences.
Happy people make ample time to nurture their
souls.
Seek silence.
"It has often occurred to me that a seeker
after truth has to be silent."
-Gandhi
Be exceptional ...
You have to earn your living on earth, that's
just the way it is.
We all have to 'hunt to eat' - and the quality
of your effort will determine the size of
your reward.
Personal financial strain often starts with
conducting your career in a careless way.
Be serious about your job.
Be proud of your business.
Be good at what you decide to do for a living;
leave successes and a positive reputation
behind you.
Be brilliant at one thing at a time, rather
than being average at many.
Concentrate your effort.
Show consistency and follow through.
Never just occupy a position - be the product,
be the brand.
When your work becomes soulless, your whole
life becomes stale.
Make a hobby of your career.
Show the courage to establish yourself in
a field that resonates with who you are.
Opt for a job that positively excites and
interests you, then build skill and become
great at it.
A job well done always carries a mark of passionate
intensity.
Happy people enjoy what they do, or adjust
their range of tasks until their job is enjoyable.
Allow yourself greatness.
Use them sparingly...
Talk with care!
Once it's out, it's really out there.
Words feed behaviour: your own and of those
around you.
Every time you talk, you push a biochemical
button and trigger certain emotions.
What's more, words are interpreted by your
brain as self-instructions.
What you say shapes your behaviour - and the
behaviour of others to­ wards you.
You eventually experience the life you describe.
Mind your words when you describe life, when
you depict your experiences or express an
opinion.
If you get into the habit of using disempowering
language, your brain will simply follow the
cue and diligently ensure that this pattern
is embedded in all elements of your life.
Talk up, express hope, describe solutions,
voice kindness, articulate options, and avoid
killer phrases.
Happiness is not only revealed in words, but
also created by words.
Weigh what you say.
Phrases of self-limitation
1.
I don't measure up...
2.
I should have...
3.
It's her fault...
4.
This is just the way I am ...
5.
I can't do anything about it...
6.
What's the point...
7.
I'm too old for...
8.
I've tried that before...
9.
It's too late now...
10.
It's ok in theory, but ...
11.
They will think...
12.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks...
13.
Yes, but ...
(Add another few 'killer phrases' you want
to get rid of- and outlaw the whole list from
your vocabulary.)
Accept its relevance...
Make peace with your history, especially the
patchy parts.
We all had to go through the things we went
through to get us where we are today.
Our biggest spiritual growth takes place after
a period of tough times.
Look back at those moments as an opportunity
to deepen your spirit.
Some might have been really dark, but take
hold of them anyway, even with help if you
need it, and think of them as necessary hurdles
you had to cross along your journey.
Only when you accept and honor these events
of your past, will you be able to retire them
gracefully.
Happy people accept all chapters of their
life story.
Allow the lessons of your past to make you
stronger.
Free yourself...
Learn to forgive.
It is impossible to have a negative emotion
in the absence of blaming someone or something.
The most important element to continuous mental
rinsing is to practise forgiveness.
The more you do it, the easier it becomes.
The heaviest load to carry is a grudge.
Holding onto hurt is a habit that buckles
the spirit.
If you choose to, you will always find reasons
to hold onto pain, to answer unfairness with
vengeance, to ponder retaliation.
Clinging to bitterness harms you more than
the object of your aversion.
It is never the unforgiven who suffers, but
the one who carries that bitterness.
Forgiveness is soothing.
The act has very little to do with the culprit,
or with condoning wrong behaviour.
It's a habit of allowing yourself a life of
liberty.
Happy people refuse to entertain resentment.
Let go of your own throat.
One life...
Stress is not a virus.
Nor is it contagious.
No external condition has the ability to create
stress.
The elements of life simply interact with
us.
What we make of these conditions is up to
us.
If they do result in constant stress, the
problem is our own contradicting, pre-determined
positions.
Stress results from living a life in your
head that's not compatible with the one under
your feet.
You actually choose to live in conflict with
reality - and then have to cope with the strain
of the paradox you create.
Learn to flow with the elements of life.
Obviously, some are harsh.
But don't spend your everyday life in the
'opposition benches'.
Stop blaming someone or something if your
own mental map is flawed.
Become more flexible in your approach.
Have the courage to bow to the wind.
Stop trying to be 'right' every time.
Let go of rigid attachments.
Happy people are in harmony with life as it
is.
Suspend your illusions.
"Our firmest convictions often mark our most
important limitations."
-Anonymous
Challenge yourself...
There is a difference between 'living' and
simply 'being alive'.
The greatest satisfaction in life comes from
breaking new ground.
Stretch yourself!
Personal growth is the result of tackling
and overcoming difficult challenges.
Engage life with energy and hang in a little
longer.
Persist.
Oppose the complacency that comes with order,
affluence, and comfort.
Reject a 'tick-tock' life.
Unlock your full potential.
Find ways to reach out to new frontiers all
the time.
Be more.
Fully explore your talent.
View defeat as temporary.
If you are in the second half of your life,
this message is even more relevant.
Live until your last day.
Continue to challenge your mind.
Stay valuable.
Choose to never retire from intellectual stimulation
and spiritual meaning.
Happiness is about making the most of your
one life.
Hunger for growth.
Let them be...
Mind your own business.
You can never be better off by concerning
yourself with analyzing someone else's life,
or finding other people guilty or inferior.
Stop judging people; it's energy spent in
vain.
Ironically, judgmental people are the bewildered
ones in the end, exhausted by the endless
mental effort to strengthen themselves by
weaken­ ing others.
Find ways to fill your life with meaning instead
of building punishing philosophies around
the lives of others or competing with those
not even aware of the contest.
Don't build your own victories upon the misfortune
of others.
If you do concern yourself with someone else's
life, let it be an effort to leave that person
better off instead of an attempt to massage
your own ego, or a push to strengthen your
relative position.
Happy people aren't threatened by others.
Stay in the life where you can make a real
difference - your own.
Recover...
Be well rested.
Sleep when and as much as you are supposed
to sleep.
A good night's sleep is one of a healthy body's
'secret weapons'.
Exhaustion amplifies negative stress and shortens
your life.
Lack of sleep reduces your gift to solve problems
and leaves you with a chronic concentration
deficiency.
You are not brave when you suffer from sleep
deprivation - you are committing lingering
suicide!
Sleep allows your brain to perform vital maintenance
and gives your immune system time to mount
energetic attacks against intruders you are
not even aware of.
Take note of the generally accepted advice
that we need between seven and nine hours
of sleep a night.
Happy people are rested people.
Lights out.
How people deny themselves a good night's
rest
1.
Varying bedtimes
2.
A physically passive life
3.
Late or large dinners
4.
A restless bedroom
5.
Late-night smoking or drinking
6.
Tension or stress before lights-out
7.
Disorganised days- unfinished business
8.
'Brain work' after work hours
(What can you do to improve the quality of
your sleep?)
Share your soul...
Be good to people in need.
Being human to each other overrides many of
life's setbacks.
It's a fulfilling way of living.
Selflessness does not imply being irresponsible
with your resources.
Neither does it mean you should be a crutch
to lazy opportunists, or provide for those
who have given up on themselves.
It's about much more than writing a check,
handing out hampers, or sharing leftovers.
It's not a guilt trip.
It's about giving privately and quietly of
yourself without an expectation of receiving
anything in return.
True heroes aren't perfect.
They are simply human when it matters.
They restore dignity, fuel hope, afford respect,
and ignite courage.
They alleviate hurt.
They are angels in ordinary clothes, handing
out the bounty of life from the brimming coffers
of their soul.
Your happiness cannot decrease if you share
it.
It cannot increase if you deprive someone
else of happiness.
Happiness works like a candle; many can be
lit from it, without shortening its life.
Happy people deflect rays of sunshine upon
those in darkness, giving what currency cannot
purchase.
Lighten up...
A dose of laughter is medicine to the soul.
And the funniest moments are wrapped in life's
small imperfections.
Light heartedness is an attitude.
Humour gives you the guts to go on when life
looks its worst.
Stay in touch with the funny side of life.
Watch a comedy, make time for a fun read,
visit a toy store, play with your child, see
the comedy in something serious...
Never allow your laugh to become a smirk.
Preserve its innocent spontaneity.
Allow it to be an unpolluted source of energy.
Happy people often chuckle at life.
Be cheerful.
"You are never fully dressed without a smile."
From Annie, the musical
Safe hands...
Know what you do with your money.
Be a true custodian of your earnings and use
them thoughtfully.
If you are financially sloppy, having more
money won't solve your problem; the leakage
will continue.
Every time you open your purse, demonstrate
your competence to cope with the responsibility
that comes with stewardship.
It may sound boring, but live within a budget.
See that you have one, for a start.
If you act within a sensible financial framework,
you won't worry about every cent you spend
- you will actually enjoy it.
To forever fight the 
losing battle of living beyond your means
eventually tears down your overall sense of
satisfaction with life.
Money has a way of leaving shoddy hands forever,
looking for a safer haven.
Wastefulness always ends in hardship.
Buy with discretion.
Identify the emotional margin on a price tag.
Justify value.
Don't overpay.
Don't overstock.
Don't compete and compare.
Never allow possessions to own you.
Steer away from the belief that happiness
is a function of purchasing power.
Find something better to do than to shop when
you have time on hand or a mood to beat.
Happy people work well with their money.
Choose to be in charge.
What they never taught us about 'purchasing
power'
1.
Having three of something is not three times
better than having one; the additional value
of 'more' peaks sooner than you would imagine.
2.
Living in idyllic comfort often leads to depression;
wealth-induced boredom often ends in spirit
cancer.
3.
The value of consumer items depreciates at
an astonishing speed; the emotional margin
in the purchasing price quickly evaporates,
and material erosion is a fact of physics.
4.
Our mental pleasure centre adapts very quickly
to new experiences; when you are a pleasure
hunter, your quest is about improving on the
previous experience.
5.
Our assets can imprison us; many people become
the janitors of their possessions.
6.
Someone else will always own more than you;
there is no end to the journey of 'having
what they have'.
7.
Overt affluence introduces shady newcomers
to your life; wealth attracts parasites and
opportunists.
8.
You learn most about people when they have
money or when they don't have money; financial
conditions shed light on who you already are.
(Are your financial pursuits free of flaws
and perceptions?)
Switch off the alarm...
Resist fear, in whatever guise it visits you.
Turn your back on any mental message that
you 'lack'.
Walk away from the inner refrain telling you
that you 'fall short'.
Don't entertain all the 'threats out there'
in your conversations.
Stop placing life in good and bad categories.
Shut down the 'they win, I lose' program.
Our ancient survival brain bombards us with
subconscious messages of impending harm and
imminent dangers.
It's an outdated fear-centre of limited value,
sitting at the core of all the emotional hardship
our modern society struggles with.
If you are serious about your happiness, you
will gradually replace the components of this
fear-based script with subject matter that
represent abundance, self-acceptance, and
rational solutions.
Happy people resist their 'pain brain'.
Call your own bluff.
Now counts...
Unhappiness is often the result of trying
to escape the present.
The present is the only real tense.
Be fully where you are.
This day is important.
Cherish its finite nature.
Time is not a dry-run.
Your future is determined by how practically
you spend your days, not by how imaginative
your dreams or elaborate your philosophies
of life are.
Having goals is important, as long as you
realize that a wish-list alone will not carry
you over one inch of ground.
The realisation of your ambitions will be
determined by the quality of effort during
your days.
Be friendly to your future by breaking your
life up in dynamic day-long building blocks.
Let every 24 hours count.
Hold yourself to what's really important.
In the end, your future will prove to be an
accumulation of the content of your days.
Happy people value their days.
Ensure a high-value present.
Inspection time...
Take stock of your life regularly.
Examine your ways.
Allow yourself the revitalising habit of honest
introspection.
List what needs to be changed, those elements
that cause more damage than good - in whatever
domain of your life, however small or prominent.
Include your thoughts on that list if needed.
Even revisit your values and beliefs from
time to time.
Then, construct a plan on how to address these
issues - and consciously start chipping away
the glut.
Don't get used to yourself!
Living fully is a dynamic experience - of
endlessly trimming the detail in your life,
continuously eliminating habits of harm, actively
building a better way, selecting more relevant
options.
Happiness is not a static affair.
Rethink and renew.
"You will never change your life until you
change things you do daily."
- Mike Murdock
Access control...
We are designed to live a long life - not
to die prematurely.
What we have learned to consume, however,
radically alters this privilege.
You are what you eat.
Food can be the most powerful preventative
medicine, or in time the most influential
eradicator of wellbeing.
The world is obsessed with famine - yet most
people die of food.
We are the only species that chooses to be
self-destructive eaters.
Use your discretion and all the commonly available
information about a healthy, balanced diet.
Fight disease in the cheapest possible way
- by assisting your immune system to prevent
damage in the first place.
Your body is patient, inherently strong and
forgiving.
It doesn't demand second-to-second perfection,
just consideration for what it is capable
to process over a lifetime.
Mind your everyday diet.
Now and then, remind yourself of what your
dietary habits would have been if you were
busy recovering from cancer.
Include ample food known for its nutritional
and restorative value; limit consumption health
culprits.
Why consciously destroy the physical head
office from which manage your happiness?
To beat health setbacks may be noble; to prevent
them is wise.
Happy people live in happy bodies.
Nourish yourself!
Damaging dietary habits to avoid
1.
Too little daily intake of water
2.
Not enough fresh fruit and vegetables
3.
No regular intake of whole grain, nuts, cereals
and olive oil
4.
Overindulgence, followed by crash dieting
5.
Too much red meat, starch, additives and refined
sugar
6.
Relying on supplements as magic bullets
7.
Too much coffee, carbonated drinks, and alcohol
8.
Irregular meals: heavy dinners, no breakfasts
(How are you going to turn around the ones
applicable to you?)
Tidy up...
Your mind emulates the environment it is exposed
to.
Accordingly, your bottom drawer mirrors the
degree of order in your head.
Organize your intimate space.
A tidy personal setting rubs off on your mind.
Clean up the mess.
File what should be filed, fix what is broken,
paint what should be painted, and throw out
what has reached its sell-by date.
Look at your environment as a photograph of
your mind.
Afford yourself orderliness, even where no
one else can see.
Happiness looks for a neat head.
Help it to be- with a ship-shape environment.
"You don't get in life what you want; you
get in life what you are."
-Les Brown
First ones first...
A functional pattern of relationships has
an 'inside-out' character to it.
It starts right in the middle- establishing
and harnessing a caring relationship with
yourself.
If you cannot be a good friend to yourself,
you are deprived of fundamental relationship
capacity before you even enter the wider world
of people.
Are you a truthful friend to yourself?
Once you have a solid relationship with yourself,
your focus should preferably move to those
sharing your intimate space with you - the
individuals in your household.
These are very important people in your relationship
grid-way more than any 'stranger' out there.
Are you a valued and respected partner, mentor,
and friend in your own home?
If you ensure that you are solid relationship
material 'at the centre', you are equipped
to be a valued member in a constructive, wider
social context as well.
Your professional associates, historic acquaintances,
extended family, and social companions will
have a quality person to re­ late to.
Happy people craft loving relationships in
their immediate circle first.
Charity starts at home!
"Tell me what company thou keepst, and I'll
tell thee what thou art."
- Miguel de Cervantes
Observantly there...
Engage life thoughtfully.
Be one with it.
Learn to embrace every moment as a hand-crafted
present.
Slow down to allow the marvels of life to
present themselves.
Look at the stars as if they only appear every
hundred years.
Hold your loved ones as if it's your last
day together.
Eat a peach as if it's a personal gift from
a God.
Make a garden as if you expect a visit from
a king.
Look at rain as if it brings the end to famine.
Happy people magnify life's small moments
of loveliness.
Celebrate the ordinary.
Shut the door...
You don't always have to be with people.
Constant availability is not a good idea.
Excusing yourself is okay.
Your most important insights emerge when you
afford yourself space to reflect.
Your best work awaits you in private silence.
Your biggest breakthroughs show themselves
after extended periods of uninterrupted concentration.
Your sense of calmness is rooted in your ability
to so­ cially detach on a regular basis.
Happy people value stillness.
Allow yourself the sanctity of privacy.
"All men's miseries derive from not being
able to sit in a quiet room alone."
- Blaise Pascal
Be active...
A car corrodes if you don't use it.
A human body has certain 'mechanical' aspects
to it as well.
Inject your body with energy and afford it
the cleansing it needs - in other words, exercise!
Our bodies are designed for activity but our
'clever brains' have designed a world of passivity
and leisure.
Evolution has shaped us to enjoy idleness
- and we still pursue it.
Our health suffers as a result.
Regular physical activity supports an upward
spiral of feeling good and, for many people,
creates a more positive health outlook over
time.
It helps you to relax, enhances energy levels
and has numerous health benefits.
Get professional advice about the relevant
physical workout you should follow - and answer
your body's call for purification and an energy
refill.
Happiness is about active self-preservation.
Get moving.
Preventing rainy days...
Overlooking the financial realities of retirement
dents many people's quality of life in their
senior years.
Approach your retirement with open eyes.
Financial independence is the end result of
a logical lifetime practice.
Guard your nest egg.
Understand that you may live longer than previous
generations.
This means that you will need more financial
resources to finance the post-retirement phase
of your life than you may realise.
Provide for it while you have the opportunity.
Financial peace of mind after a lifetime of
work keeps you young and energised.
Make it easy on yourself - save first, then
spend, whatever your income is.
Saving is a habit, not a function of income.
Know the savings number that will make retirement
possible for you.
The earlier you make 'saving-a-percent-of-income'
part of your financial agenda, the less radical
the lifetime challenge.
If possible, never stop earning an income
while you are healthy, whatever your age.
And when you do decide to retire, leverage
the income-providing capacity of your pool
of assets.
Calculate the lifestyle your assets can finance
with professional assistance - don't guess
it.
Then live within your means.
Happy people don't set themselves up for hardship.
Take charge of your financial destiny.
The profile of financially independent people
1.
A lifetime habit of'underspending'; they saved
at least 15% of their gross income during
their working life.
2.
Didn't fake-work or scatter their efforts;
they looked after their careers and deepened
their skillsets.
3.
As a rule, seldom 'overpaid' for consumer
items; they were value conscious.
4.
Were generally lifestyle debt-averse; they
repaid their debt sooner than they were required
to.
5.
Not inclined to make 'sweeping' lifestyle
changes; they were less impulsive.
6.
Chipped away at it; they weren't 'lucky',
did not pursue excessive investment returns,
and walked away from exotic financial solutions.
7.
Maintained their existing assets; they had
more because they cared for what they already
had.
8.
Fewer crises and recoveries; they looked after
their overall wellness.
9.
More private; they didn't live through the
eyes of others.
10.
More content; they didn't try to fix the past,
rush the future, or set others straight.
11.
Weren't married to their business ownership;
they diversified their investments away from
one company at some point.
(Is your style financially-independent friendly?)
Patient yet persistent...
We are not designed to make revolutionary
shifts in life.
The discomfort of sweeping changes to your
pattern of living holds the danger of early
defeat.
We have been shaped by a history of gradual
progression.
To change, therefore, takes time.
Any radical insight you may take from this
book will be of optimal value to you if you
back it with evolutionary implementation.
A drastic long-term shift in your capacity
to be happy depends on the small daily changes
you are willing to make.
Training is at the core of any improvement
in a skill.
This basic truth is applicable to all areas
of your life.
You will achieve the most through establishing
new routines in support of any new principle
you introduce to your life.
There is nothing romantic about ambitious
failures.
Repetition is the key activity of any form
of fitness.
Incremental advances, constantly pursued,
become permanent successes.
You conquer a summit by chipping away at the
mountain trail.
Happiness is not the result of erratic change.
Back your intent with small, conscious shifts
in your daily conduct.
Making up our minds
A 92-year-old, petite, proud lady was fully
dressed that morning by eight o'clock.
Her hair was fashionably coifed, and makeup
perfectly applied.
She was moving to a nursing home that day.
After a long wait in the lobby of the nursing
home, she smiled sweetly when told her room
was ready.
As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator,
she was given a visual description of her
tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that
had been hung on her window.
"I love it", she stated with the enthusiasm
of an eight-year-old who had just been presented
with a new puppy.
"Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room yet,
please just wait."
"That doesn't have anything to do with it!",
she replied.
Happiness is something you decide on ahead
of time.
"Whether I like my
room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture
is arranged... it's how I arrange my mind.
I have already decided to love it.
It's a decision I make about my life every
morning when I wake up."
CHAPTER 5.
A FEW LAST WOROS
This book was not meant to be a scientific
masterpiece nor an empirical research document.
It had a simple aim - to draw your attention
to the dynamics of personal happiness.
There is so much more to say, but we are going
to leave it at this.
We want to end with a personal note of encouragement.
We would like to invite you to take full responsibility
to further your own level of happiness.
We appeal to you to pursue a fulfilling life-don't
wait for it to happen.
You are worthy of happiness, but need to actively
reach out for it.
Wherever you go from here, whatever you decide
to do with your life, live in love.
Allow this everlasting wellspring of happiness
in your life.
Real love is not a feeling; it is giving without
remembering and receiving without forgetting.
It is not something to search for; it is something
to hand out.
There is no satisfaction greater than being
loving- and being loved.
No fear can ever stand before the power of
unqualified compassion.
Release the conditions you place on your love.
To truly care is the only door to heaven on
earth.
Learn from pain, don't succumb to it.
Then move on.
We cannot always enjoy dominion over everything.
There is no perfection out there, so expect
distress and setbacks from time to time.
If you are willing to learn from hurtful events,
you prevent more of them from happening to
you.
Don't take life personally.
And remember, no one owes you.
Talk with care.
Besides other people taking cues from your
words, your mind listens to your commands
and your spirit takes on the sentiment you
express.
Show courage.
Make decisions.
Use this wonderful human ability to not be
a victim.
Choose to be better off.
The more you opt to move forward, the stronger
your sense of freedom will become, because
people who act gain personal liberty.
Define who you are.
Start now - and be the best of that person
you can be, every day.
Happiness is a present state.
Don't wait for the future or other people
to come to your rescue.
Work around your weaknesses, optimise your
strengths.
Create your own reality.
Regard yourself.
Enjoy your own company.
Look after your body.
Harness your spirit.
Grow your competence.
Guard over your resources.
Act your age.
Happiness is the art of prevention.
Say no when you should.
Be a truthful friend.
Start in your own home.
Keep your word.
Never blame, not even yourself.
Keep a healthy perspective on life.
Steer away from radical viewpoints.
Learn to give a problem its rightful attention,
not more.
Look for opportunities.
Don't get stuck.
Laugh more than you cry - much more.
Make sure you know why you live.
Only you can have that answer.
Start every day with purpose.
Live every day as if it is your last, because
one day it will be.
You are the best person to determine your
own destiny.
If you choose happiness and embrace some of
the simple attitudes and actions mentioned
in this book, and consistently improve on
them, happiness will find it difficult to
pass you by.
Remember, you don't have to be happy for the
rest of your life, only now.
Be.
