

DISPOSABLE LIVES

By Kellie Pownall

∞

Copyright 2014 Kellie Pownall

Smashwords Edition

Many thanks to the bottom feeders who let me swim amongst you.

N. Murray 15.3.72 consider the debt settled.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

JULY

AUGUST

SEPTEMBER

OCTOBER

NOVEMBER

DECEMBER

JANUARY

FEBRUARY

MARCH

APRIL

MAY

JUNE

ABOUT KELLIE POWNALL

CONNECT WITH KELLIE POWNALL

JULY

I wake late after getting to bed around 3am. I can tell it's late because today's production of 'Dancing Leaf Shadows' starring The Sun is high up on my wall. I have to crane my neck to see it. My muscles feel stiff and I lie there for a long time staring at the wall refusing to look at the clock. I've got errands that I don't want to do so I'm delaying the inevitable until the last possible moment. The problem is I'm tired but no longer sleepy and I feel a headache coming on. I sit up and try to straighten the duvet. I pull it and after a small fight it slides right back to where it was.

"What the hell?"

I'm so pissed off I punch the pillow a few times and then feeling stupid I tell myself I was just making it puffy. I settle my head back into my now puffy pillow but it doesn't help. I'm cranky. Reaching for the side table I give my newest Patricia Cornwell novel a look. I'm only fifteen pages in and I read those pages last week so I have very little idea of what's happening? I'm keen but struggling and I read the same three lines for the third time. I can't concentrate. Fuck! I'm so spacey! I slam the book shut. I still don't know what those stupid lines are? I throw the book at the wall and my arms move quickly as it bounces straight back, just missing the bed. I'm a blocker. There are those people who want to see whatever is coming at them and try to dodge it. Me? I just put my arms up to protect my head and hope if something hits me, it bounces away just as quickly.

I flip the pillow to the cool side and roll onto my stomach banging my fists into it while I shake my head back and forth in a childish fit, hoping at the very least to exhaust myself back to sleep. It doesn't work. I flop back onto the pillow and feel even more stupid, so I get up. I run through a quick shower to wake me up. Pulling my blue cotton dress over my head I dig around under the bed for my matching navy flip-flops. I apply black mascara to my few eyelashes and let my wet hair hang dry. Throwing on my faithful old beige cardigan, light enough for a warmer day and warm enough for a cool evening, I snatch my cell phone off the counter and slip it into my pocket. The minute I grab my keys and without warning, thirty-four kilograms of dog scrambles past me to the front door, tail wagging so excitedly in anticipation of a car ride to adventure, that it keeps hitting the wall. Thud. Thud. Thud.

"Okay. I'm coming ya big bear!"

Jasper pushes past me and waits at the car door. He climbs into the backseat and begins whining for a walk from the minute he gets in the car. It's annoying but part of the routine. He's a big loveable Golden Retriever so it's hard to deny him, especially as he slobbers down my back. I rub his soft muzzle. He's a gentle giant and if he barks it's in excitement not aggression, but as he's barreling towards others that's not immediately apparent. Only his size and speed are.

I pull the Subaru up hard in the parking lot, stones flicking everywhere and the minute I open the car door Jasper leaps out pushing past me again. My phone beeps in my pocket. Shit! Who's that? Even with my sunglasses on it feels bright out and I cover my eyes with my hand like a hat brim and scan the heavily treed trail for the dog, grabbing his leash and clipping it around my neck.

"Hey Jas..." I call after him but he's on a mission.

Pulling my phone from my pocket I can see that I have voicemail? Did it even ring? I hate that. The reception here sucks. I look around for Jasper and fumble with my phone. He's hunched over crapping in the woods behind me. He must have been holding it for a while.

"Sorry buddy!" I wave at him as he squints his way through the motion.

I feel guilty. It's late in the day for him. It's after noon. I throw my keys in my pocket and call my voicemail. As I look up again Jasper snaps off a log and steam rises from where his bum once hovered. He leaps up again sniffing and running.

"Jasper, come here buddy" I wave him over as I play the new message back.

"What? Yeah, I'll have another, cheers! (muffled sounds and scratching) Oh! Hey Marley, it's Travis yeah? Uhh... yeah... what's it been, like a year? For sure we should get together for a beer and a gab! Call me back eh! I've got some time left on the phone, right? A lot's happened since I last saw you. (sniffs loudly) Funny now but it was drama a few weeks back. I was in an accident, eh? (laughs) I mean I'm okay. Now. But it's been really stressful an' the lads are givin' me trouble, you know..." (his voice trails off and he laughs a little more) Anyway, I'll fill ya in over a pint. Gi'mme a shout."

I save the message in my voicemail and play it over and over until I'm sure I heard every pause and inflection, bathing in his Scottish accent. I smile to myself. He called me back. Jasper and I hike around the Estuary trails all afternoon taking photographs. In the reeds, along the railway tracks and amongst the marsh he poses and I shoot it. It's been this way since he was a puppy. He's the perfect addition to the many beautiful backdrops we see out hiking because he looks good. He makes no complaint. He listens and doesn't ask for anything in return. Lucky for me the walk is his reward.

We get home after 7pm and I throw my keys on the hallstand and lock the front door behind me. Sitting at the computer I download the photos and while I wait I accidentally polish off half a bag of Skittles by holding the bag up and pouring them into my mouth. There're so many in there I have to chew slowly as I flick through the photos or I'll dribble. I'm not happy, the photos are good but there's nothing outstanding. Ugh! I shouldn't have put so many skittles in my mouth my jaw hurts.

Grabbing a glass of white wine I check my emails and get stuck at the computer by randomly reading something from a Life Coaching company. They're trying to sell a course in becoming a Life Coach. But why? If I could coach someone else, my own life wouldn't be so fucked up!

I'm starving after our hike and I soak a whole garlic head in olive oil and roast it in the oven. I roll what's left of the goat's cheese in poppy seeds and seek out crackers. I look at the clock. Shit! It's after 9pm and I still have work to do tonight. I find an open box of Ritz Crackers at the back of the cupboard and even though they're borderline stale, once I get some garlic and goat cheese on them I can't tell the difference. It's my first meal of the day and I'm so hungry that I can barely taste the food, shoveling cracker after cracker into my mouth. Warm garlic with cheese usually makes me happy but the nag of work has me tense and I know I won't be able to rest until it's done.

I put my wine down and roll up a joint sitting on the back patio to smoke it. It'll help ease the stomachache that's developing and I'm happy for the moment to relax and burn out before the work begins. The air is warm and I stare out in front of me at the night sky twinkling with stars. I could spend hours dreaming into it. I make silent wishes and blow them up to the stars just in case someone is listening.

"Come on universe hear my pleas." I whisper to the darkness.

Exhaling slowly a stream of blue smoke leaves my lungs and fills the air in front of my face. I must look like one of the chimneystacks at the mill across Howe Sound at night. All twinkly and pretty to look at but you know it's dirty and stinky inside. I don't want to think about what all this smoking is doing to my body and I flick the butt into the metal bucket beside me. Peeling off my cardigan I head downstairs to the grow room. I've got all of the marijuana plants on the same day watering cycle no matter their stage of growth so I don't have to water every day, but it's still a tedious job. It takes me two hours to water them all. Not bad work hours for a day's work but those hours change as soon as it's time to harvest.

I water each plant by hand to allow the water to seep slowly into the soil. And if they've gotten a little too dry like they are tonight, it's particularly important to stagnate the watering otherwise it will run straight out of the pots and onto the floor. That means a big mess to clean up. Not to mention the fact that 150 plants will need to be watered again too soon because they've absorbed very little. Always trying to reduce my workload I methodically make my way around the room working under one light at a time. I fill a four-gallon bucket with water from the hose and pour two cups into each pot. Working roughly thirty plants at a time I make two to three passes depending on the plants moisture level to begin with. The lights are hot above my head making me sweat and I've been unlucky enough to burn myself twice, once on the side of the head and once on my shoulder. They're superficial burns but it still pisses me off that I was too stoned to notice how close I was to the 1000watt bulbs. Unfortunately ducking in and out around plants and under lights becomes the norm in a grow room because moving things can be such a mammoth task. Everything is tucked in tightly because everyone is trying for maximum yield and fans and filters are strapped in and bolted down. A few burns and even the odd minor electrocution were to be expected. Everyone who grew had a story.

Watering the last few plants always takes the longest, because even though the end is in sight you know you still have to refill the bucket and hit those last fifteen plants one last time. I shake my head and wonder for the second time this week what I'm doing? Why am I doing this tedious and repetitive work? Nothing comes to mind. Absolutely nothing. I'm blank. I pour the last of the water into a few lucky pots and then carry the bucket and the watering cups out of the room into the hall. I'll need the bucket to mix soil in sometime in the next few days.

It's late, my arms hurt, I'm tired and I can feel I'm getting cranky. I head upstairs to get Jasper from the yard. It's 1.27am and the air is cooler than I expected. I grab a light blanket from the back of the couch and wrap it around my shoulders as I sit on Jaspers dirty doggy couch on the deck, smoking a joint and throwing the stick for him. I'm whispering trying not to make much noise.

"Good boy. Go back Jasper. Go back."

I worry the whispering makes it worse. Are people more inclined to listen to an abnormal noise rather than a loud person calling their dog? A whisper could raise suspicion and heighten the senses and awareness. It would for me. I use my best 'normal tone' and act my way inside imagining I'm being watched.

"Okay come on Jasper, let's go inside."

Drawing attention to us makes me uncomfortable and the dog keeps searching for his stick.

"Hurry up bloody dog!" I whisper, wanting to go to bed.

He looks good! Real good. Sexy! Disheveled but still sexy. My heart beats faster and I feel my face flush as he smiles at me while I walk towards him. I have to look away. I have to be cool. It's been a year since we last saw each other and Travis looks every bit as attractive and interesting to me as he always was. A little older, a little wiser, new wrinkles and some sunspots and I know I've seen these clothes before but it doesn't matter. What matters is that he's here and I'm definitely not disappointed.

"Hey!"

"Hi" I beam.

We share a hug.

"Sorry. Been waiting long?"

"Nah I just got here. Great timing as always Marley."

Travis pushes me towards a corner table on the tiny patio. We're at one of his many haunts, Sardine Can, a little Tapas bar in Gastown. He nods at the server and holds up two fingers ordering beers.

"Can I grab a water too?" I yell after her.

Without looking back she throws her hand air in acknowledgement. I ask for a glass of water because I have to pace myself. No one can keep up with Travis! Well Sean can, but then no one wants that guy to get to blackout so he rarely gets invited anywhere.

"Lookin' good Marley" he smiles at me, looking me up and down.

I can't help but laugh at the way he says it and I blush unable to stop it.

"You too. Here's cheers!"

He laughs because he knows doesn't and we both know he's just rolled out of bed somewhere. Chinking our Pale Ale's together, we both take a big swig and I sit back enjoying the sun on my face. My sunglasses blocking the blinding light.

"So what'cha been doing since I saw you last?"

He checks out some girl wandering by the bar while I wait for an answer.

"Ya know. Same old thing."

He shrugs and I nod looking at the girl. Who would fuck a girl that wore purple Dr Marten's lace-ups in this day and age? Besides she looks like she just got off a school bus.

"Right, Right. Sex, drugs and a fair amount of time spent in the bar."

I lean in and wink, flirting, threatened by the younger girl.

"Sounds about right" he laughs, "But you forgot I do take care of my body in other ways."

"Sorry I forgot. That's right, you run to sweat out all the naughtiness."

He finishes the last third of his beer and signals to the server who's leaning on the bar looking at her nails. When she took our order I'd noticed that they were short and chewed with worn blue polish. Maybe she's looking for her next snack?

Travis taps the table in front of my glass and I look at it.

"You want another one?"

I shake my head no. I'm already feeling a bit light headed.

"You sure?" he's confused.

I look at Travis with his cheap sunglasses on, sitting back in the chair full of confidence. He's so casual. I love it.

"Oh a water would be good."

He nods and sits back stretching his arms behind his head. His biceps are tight.

"You wanna bounce after this one then?"

"Sure. Where'ya thinking?"

He looks at his watch.

"I gotta meet up with a guy at The Cambie around 9pm so there's another bar between here and there. How 'bout we walk down to this other little place I know and grab a bite first?"

I look around me at where we are and stare at Travis confused.

"They have better food there but the beer's cheap here!" he laughs.

"Oh well then that sounds good. I could eat" I shrug.

I'm not hungry. But these days I never am. I always feel a little sick. Like I might vomit. I'm weak and tired too. I figure its most likely alcohol and stress but I notice the less I eat the less I want to. I finish what's left of the beer in my glass and tilt my head sideways studying him. Something's different? His sideburns are pretty shaggy and he looks thinner than I remember, but I think it's less about how he looks and more about the way he is. It could be that he's aged and matured? Or it could be that something has actually changed in his life? I'm struggling to work it out.

It's after sunset and drizzling out and the ground is already quite wet as we run up to the side door of The Cambie. My arms are out from my sides at the ready and I'm taking little steps being careful not to slip over. I've been drinking and I'm bad on my feet sober. I feel like a penguin but as clumsy as I am I'd rather try to save a fall rather than go down like a newborn giraffe.

There's a line-up at the door but luckily Travis is a regular so we're ushered straight in. My back straightens as I walk past the soaked masses and I smile at an ugly man standing in a black Cambie t-shirt as a sense of importance takes over me. Inside we shake the drizzle off our light jackets and I try to smooth out what I hope isn't hair that looks like rats tails but I know it does. No need to see it in a mirror. There's nothing I could do to save it.

I look around for a free table. The joint is busy. Travis scans the room and some guy across the bar waves to him. Not a big girly wave but a nod of the head and a one-handed display of what looks like 'jazz hands' but I'm sure it wasn't the rugged-looking guy's intention. Travis nods in his direction and walks towards him. I follow diligently. I notice it's expected. He doesn't even look back at me. Is this the meeting?

I scan the room and do a quick inventory. The bar is filled with men and sprinkled in are a handful of women. Trade workers, students, travelers and other general misfits of society have gathered at this sticky floored indoor beer garden. The place is abuzz with activity and all of the windows are fogged in because it's so cold outside, giving us a sense of coziness. Jugs of beer litter the tables and the pool tables have people lined up to play. Bench seats are wedged in around picnic sized wooden tables. You often share a table with strangers if you want a seat. It isn't the type of place for a quiet chat over a bottle of wine.

Travis and his buddy do one of those hand-slap half-hug chest-bump back-pat things that blue collar men seem to do rather than a regular handshake. Buddy gives me the quick once over and nods at Travis with approval. There's some muttered chat and talking into each other's ears and with all the music and background noise I have no idea what's going on. I pretend to be preoccupied with the bar scene because I know I'm not supposed to stare. I look back at them and smile from time to time in case I'm introduced. Nope. Doesn't happen.

Travis shakes buddy's hand and quickly puts something in the inside pocket of his jacket. The guy waves goodbye dismissively and Travis turns grabbing my shoulders spinning me around, pushing me gently back to the bar.

"Let's get a bevie!"

"Yes" I nudge him playfully as he shoves me towards to the bar.

"It's pretty busy. We're not going to sit with that guy?"

"No. We'll find a spot. I'm never without a place to sit."

He's right. He knows another guy sitting at a table on the wall section where you can watch weary travelers wander into the Youth Hostel next door. They come in through one big door that goes to either the bar, the Hostel front desk or the bank machine.

Travis hands me a beer and chinks his glass against mine.

"Cheers Marley."

"Cheers!"

"Come on."

He takes a big drink and I take a sip as I follow him to the table. I shiver. Yuck! I tend to drink what other people drink. If I'm out for dinner with my girlfriends it'll be wine but of course guys tend to drink beer so I drink beer when I'm with them. But I don't like it. Especially draft. Draft is a learned thing. I've learned that after a few sips you can get the rest of it down.

Buddy number two makes his way out of the bench seat and shakes Travis hand as he stands up. There's no hug or half hug. I guess Travis doesn't know this guy as well as buddy number one?

"Marley this is Ian. Ian, Marley."

"Hey!"

I wave one hand in a sunshine motion. I have no idea why? That isn't my thing. I think subconsciously I was worried I might have to shake his hand so was rebuffing that idea before it could get awkward? Buddy number two looks me up and down quickly. He doesn't see anything that needs a second look and leans in to talk to Travis. This could be the meeting. Words are murmured but there's nothing I can hear over the bar noise and then Buddy number two speaks up for no reason that I can see other than for my benefit.

"Listen Trav I was just leaving. I gotta get home to the Mrs. so great timing on the table eh."

He holds his hand out towards the table indicating it's now free.

"Oh cheers lad!" Travis holds his beer up in salute as he edges into the side he wants to sit on before anyone else can swoop in and steal our space.

"Yeah thanks" I nod as I sit down opposite Travis and Ian walks away into the crowd.

"Geez. You know lots of people here."

"It's my local."

"Really? You livin' down here now?"

"No. I've made it my local. You know, where you know people?"

"Not really? I don't drink in the same establishment for fear of seeing people I've been with or I've been embarrassing around."

Travis laughs and scans the room. He's watching the door we came in through. I study his ears. Long lobes. Isn't that supposed to be a sign of intelligence? I remember Travis once told me he had a high IQ. I don't understand why anyone would need to tell other people that? I can't remember the context of the conversation but I remember his words. I must have been insulting him.

"So where have you been hiding?"

I lean across the table and rub his forearm lightly showing interest in him.

Travis drinks his beer and looks at the door again.

"Around. Same as always" he shrugs, "Me an' the lads went out rafting last week" he looks happy with himself.

"River rafting?"

"Yeah."

"What? Rapids?"

"Nah. Well yeah there were a couple. But we're really just cruising."

"Is there beer involved in your rafting?"

"Yes. I'd have to say yes to that" he nods drinking and shrugging, "some of the lads are naughty when it comes to having a beer."

"And no lifejackets?"

"No, not that I know of? Lifejackets? What are they?"

He hangs his head in pretend shame.

"Funny! Sounds like rafting hippy style. If someone fell out the others would make a rope from their clothes then?"

He laughs nodding and smiling.

"What about you Marley? What have you been up to?"

"Ummm... Well I've been doing lots of hiking with Jasper..."

Travis smiles at a server who walks by. She smiles back and winks. They must know each other. His phone rings and instantly he gets up and walks away without a word, headed towards the bathroom. I'll sit and mind the drinks then. When Travis gets back twenty-five minutes later a young Asian couple has joined us. I couldn't really say no when I was sitting alone at a four top. The guy gets out of the booth so that Travis can scoot into his seat.

"Sorry about that Marley."

"It's all good."

I'm getting tired.

"How is the big guy anyway?"

I look at him confused. Who is he talking about?

"The mutt!"

"Oh Jasper? He's as adorable as ever."

"He's a chick magnet that dog! Give him to me. I'll pay you for him. How much do you want?"

"He is adorable but he's not for sale."

Travis sits back in his seat, looking at the couple next to us.

"What else've you been up to then lassie?"

"Well more recently I was working for an American billionaire, ummm let's see, Evan and I broke up and the..."

Travis cuts me off.

"Yeah right. You and Rico Suave?"

"Mmmm it's true. I called it over."

"I bet he wasn't too happy about that?"

I recall Evan having a meltdown and confessing anything that he'd done wrong over the years in an effort to show me he was genuine about trying to fix the relationship.

"No. He wasn't happy. What about you? Who're you fucking?"

Travis laughs and puts down his beer before he spills it. He looks at me still laughing.

"No one."

"I call bullshit!"

We both laugh knowing I'm right. I've missed his flirting, his intelligence, his wit, his ease and aloofness. It feels strangely comfortable and after all the years I've known him I'm now finally in a position for closeness. Maybe something more than a few drinks and a parting giggle?

"I'll get us another round."

Travis gets up and walks to the bar before I can say anything. I'm feeling drunk and I look around me. I've been so focused on him I didn't notice the Asian couple beside us have gone and a two young guys are in their place. The one with the beard beside me smiles and I smile back looking away quickly wondering how my eyes look as I try to focus on my surroundings?

"Here we go" Travis hands me another beer.

That was quick. I take my drink and he moves in beside me as the bearded guy moves over to the other side of the table. I don't think Travis likes to be locked in having to ask people to move if he wants out.

"How's business?"

"Busy" he puts his arm up on the seat behind me.

I lean back into his it turning towards him.

"Hey we should go to the beach one day."

"Yeah we should. We'll take the furry beast."

I nod thinking about Jasper. Kylie Minogue's song Can't get you out of my Head comes on and I start tapping my foot.

"This song always reminds me of you."

"Why?" Travis's face is contorted like he just sucked a lemon.

"Oh I dunno. We were at some pub years ago and it came on and for some crazy reason every time I hear it I think of that day. Which makes me think of you."

"Weird!"

"Yep. My brain works in mysterious ways."

I'm drunk and giddy and I move in for a kiss. We kiss but he pulls away and I sense his hesitation. Why is it not cool for a woman to want? Feeling rejected I sit back and drink some more beer. I smile at him but it's forced. I'm flustered but trying to be cool.

"You should get another," I point to his glass.

He shrugs at me.

"We should leave."

"Where will we go?"

"I don't know?"

It's after 11pm and looking around me the bar is getting quieter. We get up to leave and Travis waits just like a gentleman for me to slide out of the booth. I'm the centre of attention and already he's exceeded my expectations. I know I'm drunk but I'm falling for him hard. It's the booze and my longing and neediness talking. I know it and I don't care.

Driving across the Second Narrows Bridge towards North Vancouver I shouldn't be behind the wheel but I'm a confident and careful driver when I'm drunk. At least I think I am? I'm drunk though so it's hard to be sure until I get to my destination without a crash. Travis changes the radio station from dance music to some mellow AM station playing jazz. The DJ comes on soon after he does and I have visions of some little old man broadcasting from his basement. His voice is deep and weary and reminds me of Steven Wright the comedian.

"Wanna get a hotel room?" I try to ask casually although by now it must look like I'm practically begging.

Travis touches the back of my neck and I get goose bumps.

"I'd love to, but I can't afford it".

"I'll pay."

It's out in the air before I can stop myself. I want nothing more than to be close to him tonight. Travis isn't what most women would call 'hot' but he has charisma. I look sideways at him and he glances at me and smiles.

"Eyes on the road, you've been drinking," he points out the windshield.

Out of nowhere it occurs to me that maybe he didn't want to be seen kissing me in front of friends or a former girlfriend? Maybe even a current girlfriend? Now I wish I'd scanned the room to see if anyone in particular was paying him attention. He did move us out of there very quickly once I started being amorous. I was too focused on my situation and my wants to care about anyone else.

Travis turns the key and the minute we get in the motel room I forget everything. I slam the door and we're kissing as shoes and clothes frantically come off. Both of us are half naked as he pushes against me with intention and we share a long gentle kiss. I'm high. The moment is surreal. I'm so nervous of making a mistake. I wonder about every other lover he's had and where I'll fit? I refuse to be forgettable. I'm so into him I'm already imagining what we would be like as a couple. Stop it Marley! I hold my breath. I'm trying too hard to remember every minute of the experience. Stop thinking Marley! We kiss our way to the bed and he removes my clothes gently. I try to do the same in a sexy kind of way but as clumsy as I am it's just bad. It's not frenzied, but filled with kissing and giggling and awkward moments as clothing sticks to joints and skin, and by not undoing buttons I almost rip his ears off. I dig my hands deep inside his jeans and can feel that he's not wearing any underwear and as I unbutton them they slip away from his tight alcoholic body.

We stand together naked and he feels rock hard against my stomach. He's taller than most men I've been with and I like where our bits touch when we're standing. It fits. A chill runs up my back as I think about it and my nipples get hard. He kisses down my neck and while I'm enjoying his touch I want to ask him what he's thinking? He reaches for the remote and turns on the TV finding music videos to put on in the background. The sudden light in the room makes me very self-conscious. I hold every muscle tight hoping it makes me look toned although I know deep in my subconscious that it doesn't but it's instinctual. As he turns back to me I push him backwards onto one of the two double beds and climb up on top of him slowly kissing my way from his neck to his crotch. I know what he wants. I know what all guys want. I let my hair fall all over his chest and roll my head gently from side to side. He grunts in anticipation.

I'm too drunk to notice if he has a funky scent and mentally I cross my fingers he's clean, as I get closer to sucking his balls. As I take one in my mouth and wrap my hand around his penis I notice he's not circumcised. I try to remember if there's anything I have to do differently? It's been a while and my head's in a fog.

My lips just touch the tip of his cock when he jumps up and throws me onto the other bed.

"Me first!"

Now I'm on my back being dragged down the bedspread looking at the ceiling, as he pushes my knees towards my chest, kissing the inside of my thighs. I wonder if he thinks I have a funky smell and whether he noticed my saggy breasts as they fall each side of my chest? Relax Marley! Oh God! Did I get all the hairs down there when I waxed? Even the ones closer to my asshole?

I'm trying to concentrate on his tongue and the strokes he's using to get me off and the music changes on the TV. I hear myself exhale. This is really happening and I'll suffer the consequences if this fucks up the friendship. I submit. I surrender. I can tell he's done this kind of work before so I like that I don't have to be the foreman. The sight is primed. It's just up to him as to how fast he can get the work done or how long he wants to drag it out.

I like his appetite for my pussy and I can feel he wants to be inside me. I want him inside me. I let my orgasm go and after his tongue stops flicking across my clit and I stop writhing about, just as he's about to force his cock inside me, I pull him to me and we kiss. I can taste myself all over his wet lips and the smell of sex fills my senses. I'm no longer thinking, no longer analyzing.

We flip around and he pushes into me from behind. It feels good and I'm ready for it but I still gasp involuntarily. He pulls my hips in close to his thrusting in deep slow movements. He's in control and I let him be.

"Oh yeah Travis. That's it."

He grunts back at me and the room is warm and the air feels thin. Our skin is slick with sweat in no time and we watch our silhouettes fucking in the mirrored wardrobes beside the bed. The blue light from the television flicks across our faces and my wet hair is in my eyes as I push against the wall with my arms. The booze is making time move at different paces, passing slowly in one moment and then much too fast. I have no idea how long we've been in this room or how long we've been physically connected. It could be five minutes or it could be hours?

Changing position because I prefer to be on top we don't even contemplate missionary, it's too boring for all the build up we've had before this moment. I put my hands on his chest and he bucks against me as I rotate my hips in a circular motion. I ride him and smile as he groans with pleasure and I close my eyes. He grabs the back of my neck and pulls me down to kiss him, my breasts dangling heavily from my chest grazing his nipples. We taste sweaty and as his touch searches for mine he bites my lips playfully.

I pull back trying to smooth out my body and take control setting the pace and rhythm. Our skin makes slapping sounds and sweat runs down my chest and onto his fingers pulling at and pinching my nipples. I bite my lower lip and wince slightly at the pain but it only makes me fuck him harder. He moves his hands down under my ass helping throw me up and down off his cock in long strokes. We gain speed again and I imagine the friction could start a fire if it touched the sheets.

"That's it. Oh yeah. Fuck me! Fuck me!"

I fling my head back and sweat flies off me around the room.

"Yes, yes, that's it. Oh yeah, right there."

Travis moans and groans and grunts loudly slowing his pace, weakened and smiling. I wait for him to stop twitching and collapse on top of his chest and he throws his arms around me. He holds me tight in the tangled sheets, lying close and breathing heavily and I look at him happy to be in the arms of a strong man.

The hum of some song is all I can hear as he drifts off to sleep and while I can't see the TV I watch as the blue light from it dances on the walls. I'm wide-awake but parched and exhausted. I can't even make it off the bed to get water from the bathroom and my eyeballs are sticking. They're gritty. Fuck!

After what feels like hours with the rhythm of his breathing against my back as he sleeps spooning me, I drift off. We sleep close and Travis holds me tight. I wake on and off changing positions many times with my leg muscles twitching and occasional itching between my thighs from the sweat. Travis barely moves. It must be nice to be a deep sleeper.

The sun is warm on my face and as I roll over and hug into his chest I'm struck with sadness. I'm tired and hung over and I'm sure the bubble is about to burst and that this warm and happy feeling is fleeting. My eyes are wide open and my chest is tight. It was drunken sex. He would have been up for it with anyone who threw it out there like I did. I dig my thumbnail into the side of my finger in punishment. I should've held out. I should've let him chase. But it's just not in my nature. It's hard for me to control. I wanted sex, but then I always knew I wanted more than that too. Maybe I should have thought this through, had a game plan?

My mind won't stop bouncing. I'm pissed off and irritating myself. I know Travis'll sleep for hours. They always do. I wipe the crusties from the corners of my mouth and he holds me tighter when I move. I listen to his breathing and slowly cross my fingers and close my eyes, making a quiet wish. I think this is the most girly I've ever been, in my entire life. I want to puke. It's definitely a problem if you can feel your own neediness. Fear washes over me. Is it a rebound if you get too gushy too soon? This guy likes me. He's always had a thing for me. I'm hot. What am I worried about? I should chill out.

We have to be out of the room by 11am so I try to stir Travis around 10.30am. I don't want to leave but don't want to pay for another room charge even less and I need to get up to pee anyway.

"Hey sleepy, we gotta get up. I don't wanna be charged for another night," I say gently.

"Mmmm... it'll be okay. They give you an hour's leeway," he mumbles back from under the pillow, not moving.

I never did understand how guys could sleep on their stomachs let alone how this under the pillow thing wasn't smothering. In fact if I just reached out a little over the top of him right now and pushed down hard on both sides for long enough...

While I visualize his asphyxiation Travis stirs opening one eye and looks at me smiling. He grabs my ass and pulls me in towards him kissing me slowly and with purpose. It's softer than the night before. There's less passion and more searching. I kiss around his neck and chest and he holds his hands on my shoulders with a hint of suggestion for me to go lower and I stop kissing.

"You'll have to shower if you want a blow job. I don't do next morning cock crusties!"

He laughs.

"What? I wasn't..."

We have sex again around noon and he seems to have more vigor than the night before. I catch him studying us in the mirrors and wonder if the stamina and enthusiasm today is related to the visual stimulation of us fucking? It's probably because he's simply not as drunk? He puts his hand on my neck and we kiss clumsily with some of my sweat-soaked hair joining in. I can't use my hands to remove it because they're holding my weight as he takes me from behind. And while I see myself in the mirrors I have trouble associating the image of me with the physical act I'm involved in. It's as if I'm watching someone else on a big screen TV. Life size. A cheap 'motel-style porno.' No real storyline no connection to the characters, just fucking.

Travis slows down and makes long controlled thrusts when he sees me watching us and he watches my face in the mirror. I arch my back and smile throwing my hair around so that it dangles down my back, performing a little, trying not to be self-concious. Checking my moves in the mirror I notice that my little Buddha belly hangs down at this angle and becomes a jelly belly with every thrust. My tits are doing the pendulum thing and as he speeds up they become a propeller. I'm no longer in the moment. There's too much light and I'm tired.

With no condoms left and without wanting to make a Travis Jnr I give him a hand job to finish off. I love that moment where any man is his most vulnerable and smile at my skills, as Travis gasps for breath. He lies back and stretches like a cat, smiling and contented. I smile back at him as I rub the jizz in my hand all over his stomach.

"Hey!"

"Hey what? It's YOUR jizz."

Housekeeping bangs on the door for the third time and I get up and shower. I dress in last night's clothes leaving my underwear off. I put them in my handbag. Travis spends a long time in the bathroom and I watch repeats of That 70's Show while I wait. Eventually he comes out cleaned up and we leave the room after noon. Travis is leaning on my car as I walk out of the office, having returned the room key and copped a bunch of attitude and a threat of changing an additional night from the East Indian Manager for being in the room so late. I'm cranky when I get to the car and Travis stretching as if he's about to go for a run, his jacket slung casually over his shoulder.

"Let's grab a bite eh?"

He lifts his sunglasses and smiles at me. Reaching out he grabs my ass, squeezing it on the perfect angle so that his fingers slip forward and brush against my pussy. I breathe out and smile happy again because our date's not over yet.

"Yeah sure. I could eat."

I pull back. My version of trying to play coy I tell myself, but I really want to get away from the seedy motel. It's hot and I'm in the middle of a lunchtime walk of shame only we aren't leaving the scene of the crime fast enough. We breakfast at a dive cafe on the East side that Travis directs me to and I order a #3: eggs scrambled and wheat toast. Travis only orders a beer. I raise an eyebrow.

"What? It's after noon!" he laughs.

"Aren't you going to eat anything?"

"Nah. I'm feeling a little sick in the belly. I need some milk thistle. But hair of the dog will have to do" he winks.

My eggs are so good I want to order a side of them as well but I already feel gassy so I resist. I hate the idea my hair looks like crap but what can I do? I've it pulled up loosely so that it's not obviously greasy. Besides Travis is interested in me so I can't look all that bad, can I?

"Excuse me."

I get up and go to the bathroom. The mirror screams out to me on my way in and I ignore it. But I've got no chance over its powers on the way out and I'm surprised at how good I look the day after the night before. Raccoon eyes are the worst part of my 'just been fucked' look. I rub them with my fingers and wink at myself. I've got no underwear on and I giggle as I rub my thighs together feeling my skin box against my inner thigh. Hairless pussy when freshly done feels very smooth and sexy. Not long after though it gets very prickly. I smell my armpits. There's something sexy about still having our sex all over me too and I strut back to the table. His one drink has become two or three. I've lost count. But as Travis looks for the server I can tell I don't need anything more.

"I gotta go. The day's getting away from me and I've got to take care of Jasper."

"Yeah?" he looks at his watch, "Shit! Me too."

I sit back down but with the intention of getting up again soon and Travis chugs what's left in his glass. I pay the bill and we wander out to my car. Travis staggers along behind me and we stop clumsily at the driver's side door of my car grabbing each other for a hug. He leans down and we share a long kiss goodbye. Its hot out and I'm feeling turned on. There are so many things I want to say but I hold my tongue and I leave him almost twenty-four hours after I met up with him. I'm the happiest I have been in years. I want to tell everyone. He says he'll call. I wonder?

Standing on the balcony surveying the backyard and the mountains beyond it I light my first joint of the day. It's 8.30am and I've already run six miles with the dog, showered and dressed. I'm impressed with myself. The cool morning air wraps it's way around my legs and I pull my sunglasses on as the sun peeks over Mt Diamond Head. I'm envisioning the day ahead. Mmmm yum! Breakfast is next and I can already taste the hot chocolate, my first treat of the day. Well, my second actually, but smoking weed these days is less of a treat and more of a necessity. When a treat is no longer a treat I guess it becomes a habit.

Jasper knows our routine well and sits close by staring up at me. When he sees I'm smoking the joint here this morning he goes off to find a stick so we can play fetch while he waits for me to get ready. I hear his voice grumble in my head as he wanders off.

"Come on Mom you wrinkly old burn out, let's go for a walk already."

By the second drag the pressure of other's expectations of me drifts away and I relax into the smoke. No longer hearing Jasper's inner voice I smile at him, loving his acceptance of me bad habits and all. I throw the stick and he returns it several times before I notice we're even playing and feeling neglectful I'm struck by an overwhelming desire to get out and walk, see the big green world and leave the small green one I live in behind for a few hours. Besides I've been trimming weed for days and I need a break. My back hurts and my allergies are up. I can barely breathe and my eyes are sore, they're itchy and gritty. Work always takes precedence but not today.

The female Coke House neighbour across the street yells something about "...not doing (mumbled) anymore" and "so fucking angry" and I can't help but look over towards the house. The front door is wide open as usual and there's crap all over the porch. Not crap literally but all of the things that should be put away in a shed. Snow tires, work boots, a chainsaw, welding equipment, a mattress, garbage cans and an umbrella. And a set of rollerblades I wouldn't mind trying if they no longer want them? A black kitten I've never seen before runs out and plays near Luke, their Rottweiler, who lies trying to sleep in the sun by the doorway. I exhale slowly and from the corner of my eye I notice the new owner of the house next door to the Coke House, staring at me through the wire screen on their front window. I'm too baked by now to care that the smoke and smell of the weed is probably flowing right into his living room and I just stare vacantly back.

"Welcome to the neighbourhood ya sticky beak!" I say quietly to Jasper who I can feel is nudging his stick into my leg.

Coke House girl, Tracy I think her name is because I've heard someone shout at her before, breaks our staring competition by yelling some more at Coke House guy as she walks out the front door, and the neighbour moves away from his window. I pull the sliding door back, stubbing out what's left of the joint in the ashtray on the ground and quickly step inside. I hear the big-ass white, diesel, dual cab, long box, jacked-up Ford F350 truck fire up and the sound of the spraying of stones as the truck peels out of the driveway and their front door slams shut. The silence is deafening. They're great people, I'm sure. They just argue all of the time. And loudly too! Not a good idea when you're selling cocaine for a living but then who was I to advise criminals?

Jasper and I hike the morning away up through Valleycliffe into the mountains. Evan and I used to cut bike trails up here in summer's past so I know the area well.

"Who am I? Who have I become?" I say it out loud to no one.

Who am I? Marley Amber Willis. MAW. Yelram Silliw. Marley Willis. Marley. Or just Marl but only to those who've known me since birth or near to it. I hate it when people try to get too familiar too soon by abbreviating my name.

I'm not the most girlie of girls. I'm a dope growing, Starbucks drinking, dog-owning girl-next-door. An entrepreneur, runner, dancer and 'sometimes' crazy woman with a passion for laughing, baths, candles, foreign food and travel. A lover of many things! Though not all of them good for me, and more recently mindlessness, escape and avoidance have become a few favourites.

I tend to follow along with whatever is happening and it's served me well. And while it means being open and available to anything enjoying adventures abound, by not taking the reigns and moving in any particular direction I've drifted towards trouble. Lately experiencing monotony and less freedom than I ever thought I would have and I struggle knowing I've made these choices and I've lost a lot of time creating a life that doesn't always make me happy.

When Jasper and I get home I put him into the backyard. I change into my black cotton dress and flip-flops and I pull my hair up grabbing my sunglasses because the intense light in the grow room annoys my eyes. Especially when I'm high. I enter the grow room in the garage through the door inside the basement and close it behind me. I stand between it and the black plastic which blocks light from streaming into the hall every time I open the basement door. Standing in the doorframe I put my sunglasses on my head allowing my eyes to adjust to the darkness. The warmth of the room hits me instantly and sweat gathers behind my knees and on my upper lip. I'm keen to get inside where the oscillating fans will help keep me cool.

Inhaling the familiar smell of the grow room, a mix of moist earth and skunk, I wonder how much soil and chemical I'm absorbing along with the smell? The weed is most stinky and pungent when it's flowering and has bud all over it, and also after it's harvested. At which point there are small particles of marijuana everywhere and I'm stupid not to wear a mask with all of these particles in an enclosed space.

I exhale deeply and put my sunglasses on pulling back the black plastic poly. The five 1000watt bulbs glow brightly and I think I've forgotten to put my sunglasses on patting the top of my head. Nope the lights are just that bright. My cheeks get flushed with embarrassment and I laugh knowing the high is to blame. I'm such an idiot! S-s-s-s-t-u-p-i-d stoner. Over the hum of the filter I hear footsteps walking by on the road outside and I stand very still until they pass. I'm wired. My ears are sharp to the point I'm straining at every noise. It's plausible that I could be working on something in my garage and therefore be making noise, but the illegal drug operation and the fear of detection stops me. Just being in a grow room heightens a person's paranoia, let alone being in there when you're high and our rental house is on a corner so we often have people walking close by the house. I turn over a milk crate and sit down to roll up a joint. Throwing the newest downloaded CD in the shitty old boom box on the floor I crank it up enough so I can't hear all the people walking by and so that they can't hear me.

I'm hoping this morning's stone doesn't become an issue with the new guy in the house across the street. Negative thoughts bounce around in my head and I ponder the arrival of the RCMP and what I'd say. I shudder and shake my head, angry with myself for being so lazy to have smoked herb around the neighbours. It isn't necessary. I can always smoke inside or away from the house. It's a rental for Christ's sake! I don't have to jeopardize my situation by way of curious neighbours. That's weed for you. It makes you lazier than you already are and can help you to justify the most stupid of actions.

Another song kicks in and I'm distracted enough to forget what I was worried about a minute ago. Ah well time to get to work anyway. There's so much weed to be trimmed I'll be here for days. I clean the scissors of yesterdays resin and bits of leaf and sing along with India Arie's "Truth."

I tuck my dress into my undies and bend down picking up a large cola filled branch that was cut down yesterday. I admire it, pleased with my ability to grow good weed and I look around me almost disbelieving the number of plants in the room and the quality of their flower. At the same time I see the secrecy. This garden is not for many to appreciate. In fact most people would loathe my skill for producing the illegal product.

During the Dave Matthews remix I drift off into weed world and bliss is momentarily mine. Smoke lingers in the air from the joint I just smoked and I'm looking at the scene through heavy eyelids. Trimming is boring and done by rote. You're just cleaning up the bud of all the fan leaves and I'm often surprised at how much work I've done as I faze in and out of awareness, much like a marathoner must feel having run continuously for three hours. Mentally you drift off and the legs just keep hitting pavement until the mind tells them to stop. And blam! Before you know it there went three hours.

My thoughts run rampant towards the past and somewhere in the back of my mind I'm dragged back to my late twenties. Nostalgia creeps in as I remember that time with newly found rose-coloured glasses and I drift away from the room slowly, no longer hearing the music, the hum of the filter or the oscillating fans. As I drift I'm amazed how the past always seems so comfortable and my struggles of that time are now triumphs. But they have to be, as only survival allows for retrospect.

Three years ago Evan and I were feeling young and free. We had no real commitments so we had no real stresses. We were enjoying our days, taking each moment as it came. We'd moved from Whistler to Squamish where the rent was much cheaper and were living in a three-bedroom duplex, with a cosy backyard that faced onto forest. We hiked and biked and enjoyed meals at the pub. And we were in love, so everyday was fun and filled with discovery and adventure.

Our relationship developed slowly because Evan didn't trust anyone but three and a half years in we'd firmly become best friends and lovers. We were in cahoots in everything we did but the relationship had its tumultuous moments too because we had different ways of seeing and dealing with things, and Evan wasn't very flexible. When we'd go to Vancouver for a day of shopping and movies or strip clubs most times we'd buy a small dime bag of weed. It was recreational and even a little risky because we'd buy it off the street from people we didn't know.

I'm not savvy so Evan would be the one to buy a baggie from bums or addicts in Victory Square on Hastings Street. The park drug transaction was simple. It consisted of fast money and baggie exchanges, palm-to-palm,' slight of hand' style because you were in public committing an illegal act. I'd stand watch from the corner trying to be inconspicuous, pretending to wait for a bus. I had no idea what I was going to do if cops approached but standing watch was my job. We'd be lucky to get two joints from the tiny bag of weed but it was enough to keep us happy and calm together. And I liked it best when we argued less.

If that wasn't the beginning of our progression into dope growing then it was when I met Travis. The Broker/Dealer. With his laid-back attitude, loads of cash and seeming obliviousness to the possible consequences of his trade he made it all look so easy and profitable. He and I had met out of necessity. At that time it was my newfound necessity to be high because dime bags were no longer enough to keep Evan and I happy together and I was becoming more irritated by him and his rigidness if I couldn't get high. So we sought out a bigger supplier. We needed more weed and we needed it cheaper. We'd both kept a low profile once we moved to Squamish and having no connection there I asked an old friend if he could hook me up? Lachy and I had once shared a joint out the back of a train we worked together on so I was confident he'd solve our problem.

Sure enough, forty-eight hours later he gave me a number for Travis and before I knew it I had a half an ounce of weed in the freezer and could be happily high all day every day if I wanted. The problem was no longer where to get it but how to keep paying for it. And I wanted more of it. Buying half an ounce every month led to half an ounce every three weeks and even at the discount rate of $200, Evan and I were blowing a lot of money to find harmony in each other's company.

In our rented three-bedroom duplex we had a lot of extra space and seeing friends of Evan's growing weed without detection in their rental home, we hatched a plan. We discussed the logistics of growing, the possible money to be made and the costs and risks involved. I was game. Evan was more hesitant but because we were so intertwined I knew he could be talked around. Prison time was the one thing stopping him but I assured him we were smarter than that. If Travis could go undetected then we certainly could.

Once we'd decided to become growers we researched what was involved and what we needed to get up and running. Namely money, and I found some. We put together lists of items we needed for start-up based on friends grow rooms and information gathered from hydroponics books and magazines. We broke it down into sections because there were key elements to indoor growing and we could only cut corners in certain ways. Anything else would've jeopardized our safety.

Intake, exhaust and oscillating fans, splitters, ducting, ballasts, shades, bulbs, poly, dirt, chemicals, buckets, odour control, rooting gel, seedling trays, timing board, tape, screws, staple gun, gyprock, 2x4's, insulation, chain to hang shades, ziplock bags, scales. I'd originally thought it was as simple as dirt, plant, light and water.

We put together our shopping list of hard goods but without plants all that stuff was useless. Travis had told me we could buy clones from him but over time he'd been traditionally hard to get hold of just to buy weed off. So because we didn't know when we'd get a hold of him we decided to buy seeds. The plants need at least a couple of weeks of growing under flouros before we had to get them under high density light so we figured we could buy the equipment and build the room while they we're developing.

Because of our research Evan and I would often stop at Marc Emery's Pot Party's bookstore on Hastings Street to purchase another Cannabis Culture or High Times magazine for more research. There's mainstream acceptance of these publications as they can be bought at most magazine stores, which I always found surprising, as they are obviously promotional material and information concerning an illegal activity and substance. They help glorify the industry simply by their existence. Wouldn't there be a national, if not international uproar if someone were to publish 'Terrorist Today' or 'Snow: The Monthly Buyer/User Guide for Cocaine' or even 'Hook-Her – The Prostitution Annual.' I don't understand why marijuana magazines are as acceptably on the store shelf as Cosmopolitan and Better Homes and Gardens when the drug and cultivation of it is illegal?

The day I was in the bookstore for a copy of the book 'Indoor Marijuana Horticulture' there was a sign out next-door offering the sale of seeds. My senses were heightened as I cautiously walked up the dark stairwell looking for the door to the 'illegal seed' seller. It wasn't hard to find. It was the only door with a "We sell seeds" sign on it and I tried to look casual as I knocked three times. I even thought about how many knocks I should do? Five would be demanding and two could just sound like someone tripped in the hallway.

I was nervous so I focused on not fidgeting while a camera stared down at me. I tried hard not to worry people in the dope industry because I didn't look or sound the part and I imagined someone on the other side of the door looking at a fisheye image of my head with a close up on my nose. I hoped I looked cool but I worried the whole time that it was a set-up for stupid and desperate dope growers, and any moment some guy was going to jump out and say 'over here please,' like they do catching the pedophiles on Dateline. When the door finally opened automatically I jumped and felt a rush of urine pushing to get out of my bladder. It's not cool to piss oneself that much I knew and squeezed my legs together as I walked in. Two guys were sitting behind desks and both had people sitting in front of them. I guessed one of them let me in although no one acknowledged me? I looked around. There were a couple of couches and a coffee table in the middle of the room and I wasn't too sure what to do but I knew I shouldn't stand in the doorway. My footsteps echoed as I walked across the room and the guy closest to me finally spoke up.

"Can I help you?"

I walked over closer to him so as not to talk in my usually loud voice.

"Yeah. Hey I'm looking for some information on buying some seeds."

"I'm with this guy but take a seat," his tone was not so whispered and he pointed to the waiting area.

"Cool" I mumbled and turned to walk over to the couches.

Leaving at that point was not possible no matter how uncomfortable I felt. It would've unnerved people. And I'm sure there would've been a mark on my head if I did. I imagined some scary looking dude appearing out of nowhere and following me asking questions, or the door locking behind me so that I couldn't get it open if I wanted to. I'd stand there stupidly pulling on it panicking with everyone staring at me analyzing my motives.

I sank uncomfortably into a heavily stained old couch praying that I didn't pick up any diseases and while my face looked relaxed the rest of my muscles were tense. On the table there was an assortment of ancient High Times magazines and a price list for one company's seeds. I flipped through it and prices were listed so I could've left. I knew where to come and how much it was going to cost me but protocol wouldn't allow me. So I waited patiently for the dude ahead of me to umm and ahh over the best seeds and once he'd forked over his $300 in cash and walked away with his pot seeds, still seemingly unsure if he'd made the right purchase, I finally got called over.

A young guy in his late twenties with a shaved head gave me the lowdown. I tried to be less of a girl and more of a guy. To me that meant ask very little, appear casual and aloof, no jokes, no chitchat, no flirting and definitely no drama. I bought thirty Indica seeds.

Evan and I decided to make mother plants from some of them to make future clones from and I went back to biology class but instead of a Petri dish I used a saucer and wet paper towel to sprout them above the stove where it was warm. Once they sprouted I transplanted them into three-inch pots to root. From three-inch pots we wanted to transplant to three-gallon buckets to grow large enough plants that we hoped would produce large buds. The grow shops sell the pots and the cheaper three-gallon plastic bags but we wanted to find them. Not BUY them. I'd been checking the recycle bins at Gardenworks in North Vancouver and at Edgemont Village and collecting them as I saw them. I was up to about twenty-five but due to timing issues we needed to find the rest quickly.

One Sunday afternoon we were at Gardenworks on Marine Drive to check for buckets when Evan noticed that Capilano Mall was being given a garden overhaul and right out the front were plenty of used buckets stacked up beside planting that had just occurred.

"Score! Let's grab those!" I pointed at them.

Evan wasn't so sure. All I could see was the right sized buckets and more than enough of them. We couldn't have asked for a better opportunity. But Evan was nervous and circled the truck around for another look.

"It's stealing and you want me to do it in broad daylight?" he was worried his truck plate would be recorded.

"But is it stealing? I mean, isn't it just cleaning up? Trash collection. We'd really just be helping the landscaping company or centre management finish the job."

I urged him ahead, jumping out of the truck and running over to the buckets before he could stop me. I nodded yes, signaled him over and Evan grudgingly drove up on the curb beside me, eyes wide and I could read his worry. It was 3.45pm on a Sunday afternoon and there were people everywhere. With adrenalin pumping and trying to appear casual we loaded over a hundred buckets into the truck and drove away. Both of us were holding our breath while our hearts thumped in our throats and I watched in the side mirror for security or the police all the way home.

For the rest of our equipment Evan and I went to the Pacific North West (PNW) store on Hastings St. We parked the truck in the Dairy Queen lot down on the corner and walked up the hill and in the front door. Low key that way we figured just in case someone was taking down license plates. We'd carefully selected ahead of time what stuff was most important, in case we couldn't afford it all. We also didn't want to argue at the checkout. Once inside the shop I wandered off allowing Evan to take the reigns and I watched over the top of the displays as he talked to the young guy behind the counter about filters and fans. The guy asked him about room dimensions and other things I had no idea about and before I knew it others in the store were happily imparting information about what worked for them. It was weird to be around people who you knew were growing weed. It was a gathering of criminals. I was nervous, paranoid nervous but also excited.

Evan and I decided on one task for me while in the store to give me a sense of purpose for being there and him the peace of mind that I'd be too busy to make him look stupid. I had to find the chemicals. Plant growth enhancers or vitamins to make the plants grow fast and big and strong. I located them quickly and had heart palpitations when I saw their price. Sure we had $3000 to spend but it looked like that was going to go pretty quick. Maybe we didn't need chemicals? Plants could survive in the garden with just water, right? It wasn't like there were people out there feeding all of our forests.

After the use of much jargon and the offering of opinions here and there, it seemed like everyone in the store was an expert growing huge plants with huge yields, we eventually had it all rung in the computer.

"That'll be $2785.75" the young guy announced and smiled at Evan.

Evan looked at me and shrugged and I stared back at him, the corners of my mouth turning into a supportive half smile. I shrugged my shoulders ever so slightly. It was a deal considering the guy had neglected to ring in the chemicals after he got excited fitting us out with ballasts, shades, bulbs, poly, dirt, ducting, an ozonator, the list went on. After Evan drove the truck around to the back of the shop the guys swiftly loaded everything packed in black plastic bags in under the canopy. We threw a few blankets over everything for good measure and drove back to Squamish. We had to unload under cover of darkness in the middle of the night because we didn't have a garage at the duplex and all of the world could otherwise see. Even then it was no guarantee. Just when you thought everyone else was asleep, some guy would walk right by the front of the house with his dog and a headlamp on at 2.30am.

Once we had all of the equipment we had to go about the task of installing everything. The duplex we rented shared a common roof with a plywood wall between the two living spaces. As we had to vent to the roof it meant we'd have to get up in there and pull out ducting, drill holes and apply tuck tape. The thought of construction noise freaked me out let alone when the plants were in the house stinking, with the fan turned up high with a week to go until harvest. Evan said that our little old lady neighbour wouldn't be able to hear the fan once it was all going as it'd just sound like household appliance noise. As much as I liked her I quietly hoped that she was already partly deaf just due to her eighty-four years on earth.

None of the rooms in the duplex were ideal for a grow room and we wanted it at the back of the house because we lived on a busy street. That left us with the master bedroom. We moved out of it into the second bedroom and felt like visitors in our own home. Using 6x4's and plywood Evan and I built a ten by six foot room within the much larger bedroom to ensure we had a clean working area and so that we could control the light. We also wanted to collect our intake air from within the house as opposed to having ducting coming out of a window. The extra room around the grow room allowed us to do that.

We tucked part of the Grow Room into the wall length cupboard so that the screw holes and the ten-inch hole we had to cut in the ceiling would be easier to conceal later. We disassembled the wardrobe doors and cut and put up plywood boards on the frame. The boards were painted the same colour as the room, which meant the bedroom blinds could remain open, so it wouldn't look weird for the Master bedroom blinds to be constantly closed.

The inside of the grow room was covered entirely in poly from top to bottom to prevent any light leakage. The room was so airtight that once we turned the outtake fan on the poly would suck off the walls into the room. At that point we spent more money and bought more screws and strategically placed them in the walls to prevent the poly from moving.

The work required in the roof was more difficult. It was noisy and our eyes were filled with insulation fiberglass particles. We climbed in and out of the manhole so many times I began to feel like a gymnast again. I carried the drill, Tuck Tape, screwdrivers, tape measures, all our hardware, backwards and forwards into the roof as needed. We worked as a team and the only arguments were about the level at which I spoke. I'm loud by nature but I think I'm louder when I'm excited which happens often. I could be a little on the deaf side too?

The room was set up, seeds were germinated and things went well. The plants grew nicely and the room was packed with them. The noise was minimal and the smell was too. Then three weeks from our first harvest, Evan freaked out.

"I'm worried about the cop that lives up the road. He went really slow past our place this morning."

"He lives in the area Evan. And it's a school zone. Of course he's gonna drive past and drive slowly."

"We have to tear it down."

"What? What do you mean?"

"I mean that we have to get rid of it. I just feel it in my gut."

"Maybe you're just hungry?"

I smiled at him, trying to lighten things up.

"Real funny. I'm serious. We're connected to Travis. If they were watching us I have no idea what they might know?"

"But we're only weeks til the end of the run. Why don't we just shut it down then?"

"There's no alternative."

"We haven't seen Travis in months and of course the RCMP guy would be traveling past our house. He does live up the street. What about if you move out? Then it's nothing to do with you right? I'll finish the run."

"Nope. We have to shut it down."

Our agreement was if someone wanted to end it the other person had to agree. We each individually consented to take the risk. No one was being coerced. No one would have to be compromised by a commitment to the person they loved. So biting back all my anger, in the middle of the night we took the plants and chopped them from their stems and stuffed them in garbage bags. The dirt went into different garbage bags and those bags were driven out onto one of the many logging roads off the Mamquam service road where, standing on the back of the truck, we dumped the dirt over a cliff. We ripped the bags open and kept the plastic. Everything else would just recycle itself back into the earth. I was devastated after all of the work we'd done.

A month later we were up and running again with clones bought from Travis after Evan had had time to think things through. I told him that the rules had changed and I wouldn't be throwing the next lot away, we'd paid too much for everything and he could leave if he got wigged out again. He agreed. He had no choice.

We grew, dried and packaged our first lot of weed and I sold it through Travis as planned. The day I sold the weed was one year to the day since I'd met him. Supposedly he was cutting me some deal with a broker fee of $50 on each half-pound bag? I had to take his word on that. I didn't have another way to get rid of it. We made the money back that we'd spent and had a little to spare, not to mention a shit load of weed to smoke. It would take a couple of runs to get ahead so we felt good about the next run.

The duplex was a good set-up but we were sick of living in our spare room and after much deliberation Evan and I tore the room down and moved to a better location. We found a three-bedroom house with a big fenced back yard for Jasper and a suite downstairs, which would remove the business from our living space. The house was on a corner but we were sure that our appearances would put to rest any suspicion the neighbours may have had. Jasper made friends very easily and with the dike close by we would meet new friends every day. It was hard because we didn't want to become so comfortable with our neighbours that they'd start dropping by but we also didn't want to be standoffish either.

In the new house we decided to run the operation out of the suite but we wanted to vent out the fireplace, which meant we either had to cut a twelve-inch circular hole in the wall or run the ducting through the house, where anyone coming in the front door could see it. We ran the ducting through the house and agreed to have no friends over. This worked for a while until Evan's father came to stay and we instantly cut the hole.

We bought our clones from Travis again and ran four lights for two runs, about four months duration. The plants were grown well and produced AAA quality buds. The only problem was we either had a hermaphrodite or male plant in the group because some of the plants were seeding. That meant they were pollinated and the females stopped producing flowers or bud and made seeds instead. Seeded weed is crap. Our weed had become almost unmarketable and we were frustrated at how things could go so wrong between runs.

After we harvested I sat on the couch with a big mixing bowl in my lap and pulled the buds apart carefully removing the seeds and pushing the buds back together. It took forever and my neck and back were pained from how hunched over I'd get. My hands and fingers were continuously cramped too. I took the weed to Travis and told him the situation. I didn't want to fuck him over. He and I spoke the same language and I knew the score. If we fucked buddy who buys it he'd say nothing. But we'd get fucked-over royally financially the next time. And neither Travis nor I wanted that.

"There are no seeds in the weed. You can shake the bags and see."

"Are you sure?" he'd asked skeptically.

"Yes. I promise" I'd lied.

I hoped there were no seeds but I could have missed some. He'd looked at me skeptically but we got CDN$2000 a pound for it. CDN$2400 - $2600 was the going rate for top quality gear so I was happy. Travis thought it was okay because brokering made him $500 from the deal. Those were the good times back then. When it was still exciting and new. We had bigger headaches now because we'd become accustomed to having the money.

The CD is skipping on a Nelly Furtado song, something about a bird? I snap back to my surroundings and what I'm doing. Stretching my arms and back, hitting the stop button on the CD player I look at my watch. Only 7.23pm. I still have lots of time to plow through the trimming. I pick up another branch, it's not like I'm going anywhere or have a date.

I wish things had been different with Evan. We'd broken up five months ago and while he said he wanted to continue to try and make our relationship work, nothing changed. It'd been years of the same. He was emotionally unavailable and our relationship wasn't fulfilling enough for me to go without. No amount of dope smoking for the rest of our lives would fix what was essentially very broken.

We were both headstrong and had trouble communicating. Our relationship was passionate from the beginning and began with sex but ended up being co-dependant with a constant struggle for control. I even went to the hospital once for a pinched-nerve after Evan's best karate leg-sweep knocked me off my feet and flat on my back.

"Tell them the dog tripped you on the stairs" he'd said as he helped me walk me into the hospital."

I guess it should have been enough then but as with most people in love or co-dependant we just hung in there. A couple more years passed and after one too many arguments where I couldn't see ours ever being a happy life again, I told him it was over. He didn't take it well but he had no choice but to accept it. Deep down I knew it was always going to be a friction-filled environment and I'd finally reached a point of reality where I knew he couldn't provide me the love I needed to be my best.

We chose to live separately but in the same house, Evan in the suite downstairs and Jasper and I in the three-bedroom space upstairs. It was difficult because regardless of intentions, it can be hard to pull back from being lovers and after so many years as common law spouses, we also had a combined debt. We agreed the only way to get things resolved quickly was to stay living together to keep rental costs down and run the Grow Op until the debt was paid. We estimated two to three runs, which equated to five months or so and while it wasn't ideal for getting on with our own lives but we felt it was the quickest and easiest way to be free of each other. While we'd been separated for five months the debt is nowhere near paid and Evan still isn't coping with it well.

The CD stops again and I grudgingly snap back to reality. I'm squinting. Open your eyes Marley! At thirty-three years of age I look old enough without adding more damn crow's feet. I roll up another joint and my lips crease as I hold it between them. I stand up and stretch everything. I've been hunched over with the scissors snapping, concentrating for so long. Everything in my body feels cramped and my head is in a fog. I need some air. Air without plant particles damp soil and chemicals in it. Clean cool fresh air.

I head upstairs for a quick break and before I do anything else I find the eye drops to help soothe the burning and itching from the weed crystals. Grabbing a Pepsi from the fridge I throw Jasper the bloody meaty bone the meat cutter guy at the supermarket cut specially for me. Anything is possible if you bat your eyes enough and have a pretty smile. I stretch all of muscles again and wave to the dog.

"See you soon buddy!"

All is quiet at Coke House and the truck is back. They must be sleeping it off. Heading back downstairs my vision is blurry as I strain to see the time on the wall clock. I sigh heavily and my shoulders slump forward in defeat. It's only 8.10pm. There's no reason to quit yet. My eyes are tired but I resist the urge to rub them for fear of making them itchy again. My shoulders are sore. I'd like a nice warm bath but I get back into the grow room and look at the amount of weed I still have to harvest. Ugh! It's pointless complaining or quitting yet and I sit back down and flip a mixed CD that I burned yesterday into the deck. I touch the top of my head only to realize that I didn't bring my sunglasses back down with me.

"Fuck!"

I head back upstairs. Through the black plastic, closing it behind me, and then carefully opening the basement door. The sun's almost down so light leakage becomes more of an issue when opening the grow room door. At the top of the stairs I shake my head as I see the mountains outside bathed in what's left of the sunlight. What the hell am I doing? Other people are at the beach, in the mountains or at the pub, meeting people, doing things, living a normal life. I grab a bottle of Kootenay from the fridge, crack the top, drink a little and grab another to take back downstairs. It'll help now that I've seen the work that lies ahead. Pepsi wont cut it but then again two bottles of beer wont make it much better either.

I sit back down on my overturned bucket and swig from my beer downing half of it and burping loudly for a long time. Grabbing a new stem I trim the fan leaves from the bud again and before I know it rote takes over. Where is Travis? The guy is good for me he just doesn't know it yet. He thinks I'm a princess. He sees the car I drive, the clothes I wear, the polite façade of me and thinks 'high-maintenance.' He hasn't seen the real me. The me that likes the outdoors and a cosmopolitan lifestyle. The tree-hugging hippy.

We were set up on a 'Blind Buy' the drug variation of a blind date, by my bartender friend Lachy years ago. He gave me Travis's number and I called him up and he told me where to meet him. He sounded reasonably educated so I was only mildly scared of whomever the hell I was meeting for an illegal drug transaction. In my mind the guy would likely be a meathead and would most certainly have tattoos but Lachy knew him so he couldn't be too much of a loser.

One hot August afternoon I waited to meet him at a dirty table in a greasy spoon on a busy corner in East Vancouver. He sauntered in casually late, sunglasses barely raised searching for me. Once he joined the dots to where I was sitting his face changed and he beamed at me. I'm not your usual dope buyer.

"Hi Marley? Nice to meet you."

His arm extended forward, hand waving sideways at me until I took it in mine.

"You too" I smiled and grabbed a menu.

"Geez Lachy never said anything about how pretty you are?"

He sat down and leaned back in his chair staring at me. I blushed. He was backlit so it was hard to see the expression on his face.

"Thanks."

I changed the subject quickly, holding up the menu.

"I already grabbed a beer but I might get something to eat?"

"Oh yeah. Twist my arm up my back. I'll have a beer just to be polite," he laughed at his own joke.

The Asian server walked over and you could tell she'd rather have been sleeping. "What can I get for you?"

She looked towards the kitchen bored. I figured her dad probably owned the place and was making her work when she didn't want to, considering the way she yelled at the old Asian guy behind the bar.

"A pint of larger."

"Yeah yeah."

She was walking away when he turned to me pointing at my drink.

"You want some more because we might as well get a pitcher?"

I shrugged. I had no idea how the meeting was going to go.

"I could have another."

"Yeah, excuse me" he called in the direction of the server with her back to us at the cash register.

"Yeah" she didn't look up.

"Can you make that a pitcher?"

"Uh huh" she nodded looking at her nails and picking up the telephone on the wall.

He turned back to me and raised his eyebrows laughing.

"So where are you from Marley?"

"Originally?"

"Yeah."

"Australia."

"Huh. I thought so."

"Lachy told you?"

I was cynical. He was too smooth. He laughed loudly at my bluntness.

"Yeah I think he did" his eyes squinted as he kept laughing, "I'm from Scotland."

"Bullshit!"

"I am. Originally..." he'd let it hang in the air, "But lucky for me we moved to Windsor Ontario, just across the border from Detroit City. Where I learned to play ice-hockey and found a love of music."

"What kind of music?"

"I think the White Stripes and Radiohead are cool. Lyrically Radiohead is way above all others."

I nodded. I didn't really know Radiohead?

"Didn't they do 'Fuck you like an Animal?"

"Nah that was Nine Inch Nails."

I nodded feeling silly. I shouldn't have guessed. The server dropped the pitcher off and he watched her ass sway as she walked away.

"How old are you?"

Travis sat back in his chair.

"How old are you?" he threw back quickly.

"You are never supposed to ask a woman that!"

"Why not? You asked me."

"I didn't realize that you'd be so sensitive about it. I figured age was no big deal with guys."

I shrugged at him enjoying the banter and flirting. The attention was nice. He looked into my eyes with a cheeky grin on his face.

"I'm twenty-nine."

"Hmmm..." I paused, "I'm thirty-one."

He sat forward and adjusted his sunglasses on top of his head.

"Well you don't look it."

I smiled at my beer, blushing.

"Thank you."

"How'd you end up in Canada?"

"I came on a plane."

He laughed again and raised an eyebrow at me.

"My father was contracted to work in Toronto so I came out for a while to check it out. Got the old Working Holiday Visa and ended up in Whistler as most Australian snow lovers do. And I just stayed."

"Why? Because you liked it so much?"

"Yeah that and a guy."

"Right" he nodded knowingly, "A guy. Your boyfriend?"

"Correct."

"Where's he today?"

Evan had gone away mountain bike racing with some friends to Kamloops. I didn't want to go.

"Away."

All the talk about Evan made me feel guilty for socializing with Travis.

"Excuse me. I have to use the little ladies room."

I stood up as he finished the last of the beer in his glass, putting it back on the table loudly.

"Should I get another pitcher?"

"No. I'll only have one more. I have to go."

Having expected the stereotypical brainless twit to deal me drugs I was pleasantly surprised when Travis turned out to be a highly intelligent bad boy. He could converse about the state of the world, was up on current events and was fun, confident, and witty. He didn't care for a real job. He was mysterious and I was definitely intrigued.

Walking back to the table I gave his clothes and shoes the once over. Wearing a demin Diesel shirt with fashionable faded jeans and tan leather loafers his look was neat casual. Less chino, more Europeano jeano! But also slightly disheveled. His hair was pretending to be unstyled and more like straight out of bed matting. Some effort had gone in though as I noticed it looked better after his first trip to the bathroom.

Travis carried an attitude. Then again I figured you had to have some air of superiority, being a mid level drug dealer in two provinces who hadn't been caught in the ten years you'd been doing it. And he presented a front. He'd carefully lifted his sunglasses and looked into my eyes and smiled as he introduced himself. There was too much showmanship and that charade and smugness made me look for fault. His fashion faux par of a black belt and brown shoes was the first thing I saw.

"So would you have preferred to have grown up in Scotland then?"

"Nope. Gibraltar."

"Gibraltar. Okay... why there?"

"Before we moved to Canada we lived in Gibraltar for two years."

I nodded curious.

"It was a great life. I'd go back there tomorrow to live if I could..."

I let the silence hang in the air in case he was going to finish.

"Why can't you?"

"I'm only a resident of Canada. Makes travel limited."

"Why Gibraltar? And why didn't you stay?"

"My Dad worked for Chrysler and that's where they sent him."

"I've never been there..."

"So you've done some traveling then Marley?"

"Mmmm... a bit" I held my fingers up two inches apart.

I smiled coyly. I liked that he was surprised by me. I was surprised at how well we got along and the intelligence to our conversation. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to order another beer. I knew I shouldn't because I was being charming and a lush all at the same time.

Travis was holding tight to his accent and home country jargon as best as he could. Accents always make things more interesting. I'd blended my Australian one so that I didn't stand out in Canada. Evan always made fun of me and had been correcting my pronunciation for years. I had no idea what I sounded like anymore?

I put my glass down heavily leaving a quarter of the beer in the bottom, and stood up. It was late in the afternoon and I had to get home to Jasper. We paid the tab and Travis grabbed the weed from his truck and walked it to my car. Jumping in the passenger seat he pulled a bag from his jacket and tucked it under my front seat.

"$200 right?"

"Yeah."

He looked sideways at me.

"You're not a police officer are you?"

I burst out laughing and handed him the cash.

"No!"

He smiled and put the cash in his pocket.

"You should come out with my friends and I tomorrow Marley. I mean your fella isn't around is he? An' we're going to the beach. It'll be fun."

We both knew we had chemistry and he wanted to see where it would go. I stayed quiet as if considering his offer but there was no way I could go.

"I can't. Sorry."

He didn't ask why? He knew.

"Okay. Well you have my number if you change your mind. You should come along. I promise you'll have fun."

He got out of my car and bent down at the window.

"Thanks for the weed eh! And it was great chatting to you Travis."

He nodded looking around him making sure no one heard me and also because he was vulnerable crouched down.

"If you change your mind Marley I'd love to see you tomorrow."

I blushed again. The interest he showed me made me feel good. He was confident and he wasn't your typical burnout dealer. He was intelligent. He had money and was making money. He spoke with conviction and an air of 'of course' about everything he said. But most of all, he was interesting.

Travis called a couple of days later and caught me completely off guard. Evan was with me and I hadn't told him anything about the buy from Travis other than that he seemed like a nice guy. I hadn't told him I'd spent hours drinking and flirting with the guy and found him quite charming. I had to answer the phone or Evan would be suspicious that something is amiss. I just didn't need to argue.

"Hello?"

"Hey Marley it's Travis" he sounded happy.

"Oh hey. How's it going?"

"Good. And you? What's going on?"

"Oh nothing much. Just hanging out, you know? Getting some lunch."

"Right lunch. The middle of the day meal."

"That's the one."

I stayed quiet and rolled my eyes slightly at Evan who was looking at me inquisitively.

"So listen, I've got two tickets to The Temptations on Saturday night. Wanna come with me?"

"Really?"

I was more surprised by him. Excited even as my pulse raced at the thought of being sought out by another guy. That'd be a great night and I'd have loved to but I knew I couldn't go. I had a boyfriend. I was in a relationship. This was what they meant when they said 'dance with the devil.' I shouldn't have flirted with another man while I was involved with Evan.

"Yeah. They're good seats too."

"I don't think I can..."

"What? Marley, don't say no. You'll be missing a great night. Did you hear me? It's The Temptations!"

"I know it's just not a good time."

I didn't say no to Travis I just didn't know what to say. It was awkward.

"Hey umm... I'll have to call you back."

"Oh okay. But Marley you should come. I know you'll have fun" he was more insistent.

"Mmmm... I'm sure I would. I'll see. Listen I gotta go but I'll talk to you later."

"Alright. Bye."

I felt bad. I left Travis hanging which meant no, but I couldn't do anything to hurt the man I was with. The next time I saw him to buy weed it was awkward but we we're acquaintances and that's all we'd ever been. His expectations shouldn't change that. I had a boyfriend. I told him I had a boyfriend when we met.

"He was there with you when I called about The Temptations wasn't he?" he'd asked me the next time we saw each other.

"Yeah."

"I could tell."

"Well it wasn't a great time for me to talk. Sorry."

I was starting to feel like I was doing the wrong thing by him. Like we had something I had to answer to.

"Hey it's okay. You missed a great night like I said you would."

"I'm sure I did" I smiled slowly and looked him in the eye.

I was flirting again. I was still curious. He was nice and I enjoyed his company. But we both knew I wasn't about to act on our mutual attraction.

After that I saw Travis every few months for a beer and some chitchat. One beer always led to several more and when I was leaving I'd buy dope from him in the parking lot. I'd then drive home to the security of years spent with Evan.

I asked Travis once about his success with the ladies and listened intently, remembering names and story details. I'm sure he talked more freely thinking that nothing would ever happen between us. It wasn't like guys to talk details.

"What is it that you exude?"

"Exude? I don't know about exude... " Travis paused waiting for me to fill the gap but I didn't.

"I guess I like to project a mystique, create an allure."

"Why do you feel a need to do that?" I was curious about that statement.

He shrugged. He didn't even think about it. I waited.

"Because I don't have much to offer," he said finally shrugging.

That was bullshit. What a cop out! The guy chooses not to have much to offer. That wasn't it. That was the typical response of a guy who didn't want to answer the question.

Fiona Apple's "Fast as you can" kicks in. She's so angry but I can identify with her. I yawn and stretch. It's after 10.30pm when I stop trimming. I clean the three-inch pots and replant the kids. That way they can vegetate under flouros for eighteen hours a day until they're about a third of how tall I want them to be. I'll then have to replant them again into three gallon buckets, flip them onto a twelve hour light/dark cycle which will in turn push them to bud or flower. With a harvest expected six to eight weeks after that. The bigger the plant the bigger the flowers or buds therefore the bigger the income. Indoor growing is only restricted by ceilings and floor space.

I head upstairs to check the dehumidifier is doing its job in the spare room. Harvested pot plants hang upside down to dry on fishing line rows strung from wall to wall. With the temperature in the room sitting at around eighty degrees and the dehumidifier on medium, the plants dry in about three to four days. I dry the weed upstairs because it's warmer in the living space. It dries quicker than in the grow room which is already way overcrowded.

When it's dry I drag the weed branches downstairs to the grow room to trim the leaves and extra bits of stalk from the buds and bag it for Travis to sell. I take the weed downstairs to minimize the spread of the plant around the house and it's easier to trim in the warmth and light. Besides the smell of dried weed is more pungent than weed growing and if it's contained in the grow room while it's being cut, the smell will be filtered out through the charcoal filter I have strapped to the ceiling and exhausting out the chimney.

Every time I think growing dope is an easy way to make money I forget the frustration caused by the laborious task of trimming and the endlessness of the supply. Which in the end weighs next to nothing and I always seem end up with more free smoke than I do weed to sell. Even once the weed is dried and trimmed I still have to bag and weigh it. A half-pound goes in each Ziploc bag and big colas are saved for the top of the bags. The weed is always sticky and unless I use gloves the resin will create good fingerprints all over the bags as I fill them. If I don't have gloves I try to put nail polish on my fingertips. I've heard horrible stories where guys will hold their fingertips on a hot stovetop electric element to remove prints altogether. I couldn't envisage a time when I'd get to that level of desperation. I was too 'small time' to worry that much, but then I had no idea what would happen if the bag was discovered at a border crossing and mine were the only prints on it?

Once it's all trimmed up I carry the mixing bowl full of bud to the living room and put the scales on the coffee table. Almost unbelievably Ziploc bags come in a variety of thicknesses so I have to weigh the empty one first and then fill it and re-weigh it, ensuring the exact same amount of weed goes into each bag. I try to push the less attractive buds to the middle and make sure there are no bits of crap or seed on the bottom of the bag. My hands are still slightly sticky from the crystals because we're out of disposable gloves and I'm having trouble getting the bags open and closed to get the weight right.

"Fuck!" I grunt through gritted teeth.

I'm irritable. Too tired to be weighing the weed but I want it in the bags not sitting around. Jasper is at the backdoor grumbling to come in and it feels like days since I've seen Jess and weeks since I've seen PIL. I want a good laugh with the girls. I want a beer. I want lunch out. I drop everything in a fit of frustration and head into the kitchen. I grab bacon, cheese and lettuce from the fridge and dump them on the counter.

Grabbing the 'Sticky Off' under the sink I begin the task of removing all of the weed crystals from the scissors I've been using all night. I ball up the sticky hash mess and leave it on the windowsill to cut into a joint later. Scrubbing with the orange liquid my fingers sting because they're raw from where the plant crystals have been sitting on them for a long period of time. I burn the bacon while searching for the tomato I ate with nachos yesterday and in my stoned confusion have forgotten about. The bacon can be salvaged. I like it crispy anyway I tell myself. The burnt bacon does make me watch my toast closely though. Burnt bread would just make the meal inedible and I'm starving.

I don't hear from Travis for five days after our motel sex. Days four and five are the most painful to get through but I feel great about the fact that I haven't weakened and tried to call him. When he finally calls its well after 11pm I'm eating my BLC and my phone is in the kitchen. I'm too hungry to get up. He leaves a message.

"Hey Marley, listen wanna get a drink sometime over the weekend? Call me eh?"

I listen to the message and relax. My whole mood changes and I spark another joint on the balcony and throw some sticks for Jasper before heading back to work. He's happy for our interaction. It's hard to be down when I see Jasper wagging and running and loving our game. He likes to chase more than one stick but misses where some land while he chases after others.

"Good boy. Where's that other stick? Go get it."

Travis called and Jasper's happy and I get my second wind. Working diligently everything around me seems like clutter and yet strangely I'm not distracted by it. I'm focused on the work ahead of me as I stretch my neck and back and look at my watch. I want to get the rest of the weed weighed quickly because I need to catch up on some sleep.

Freshly showered by midnight I play ball in the house with Jasper and drink a beer. I sit with my back against the wall and my legs straight out on the floor. It's dark but I've got the curtains open about a foot and there's a sliver of light from the streetlight outside shining into the living room. I throw the rubber ball against the wall and watch as it bounces all over the place and Jasper jumps and scrambles to get it into his mouth. As my interest in our game wanes Jasper nudges me and snuggles in. I'm tired. My arms and eyelids are heavy and my mind and body need a break from this routine. I drag myself to the bedroom and Jasper diligently follows slumping down on his bed in the corner.

"We'll have a big walk tomorrow buddy. I promise."

I hear him sigh as I fall into bed.

Before I can call Travis back he calls me again.

"Hey Marley you wanna come see my garden?"

"Yeah. I guess."

"There's a cabin in Hope that we can stay at."

It isn't exactly what I thought we'd be doing the next time I saw him.

"When?"

"If we leave in an hour we can make it before dark."

"What? Today?"

"Yeah. Is that a problem?"

"No."

But it kind of is. It's a bit rude. What's the urgency? Is he running from someone or something? There's every chance he is but being one for adventure and seeing no reason not to jump at the chance to spend time away with him I pack some bedding, a change of clothes, grab some canned food from the cupboard and Jasper, and we head out to the woods.

Past Hope and up the Coquihalla we drive for what feels like hours, finally taking an almost hidden turn off into the mountains. After miles of dusty road and dry heat, through a series of confusing switchbacks and taking less-traveled forks in logging roads, Travis gets me to pull off the road and park behind some trees. I jump out of the car and stretch my legs. To my dismay I can see wet patches where sweat has accumulated on my pants around the crotch. Travis peels off his shirt and stands around in hiking boots and pants. He digs a visor out of his bag and pulls it onto his greasy hair. I fan myself with my hands and open my water bottle.

"Damn it's hot out here!"

"Yeah. There's a creek back over there" he points and chugs the last of the liquid in his water bottle.

I nod.

"We should refill our bottles here" he says when he stops drinking.

"How far away is it?"

"About a half a mile up that way," he points at a hill with few trees, "We have to cross a field."

"Uh-huh."

I can't see how there are pot plants anywhere near here? The area looks so exposed. I sling my daypack onto my back and re-tie my sneaker laces because they feel a bit loose for hiking and there's no clear trail. While Travis takes a piss in the bushes I study his physique from behind. He's tight.

We fill our water bottles in the creek and head out climbing over a fallen tree and crossing the dirt road we came in on. Jasper is excited about the change of scenery, darting from one scent to the next. We trudge through a creek and hike uphill on what feels like a forty-five degree angle for ten minutes before we walk into the woods. Coming out in a small clearing by a creek my eyes are met with a sea of green. The plot is impressive even with only 150 plants. I breathe in the fresh air enjoying the warmth of the sun and feel the quiet calm of the land free from humans and the noise associated with them. The earth, sun, light and water are helping these big pot plants grow and they're thriving. Each of them is at least five feet tall swaying around me in the light breeze and I marvel at their size. You just don't see plants this size in a grow room.

"I'd like to check the larger plots. Maybe you and Jasper should hike while I tend to the garden?"

"Want me to water the garden we're standing in?"

"Nah some of the lads will be by later to tend to it. I pay 'em $20 an hour and for that reason alone we should expect to see them."

We share a laugh. Darren and Sean are both desperate drug addicts. And they're that desperate they'll drive miles to earn a few bucks. I'd met them once when Travis was hooking me up with weed and he had a commitment with them the same day.

"Where're we staying again?" covering my eyes from the sun with my hand to look uphill at him.

"Just down the road a little way."

"What about those guys?"

"Nah. They'll head back to the city to go to the bar. It's just us."

I feel better but still not wanting to see Sean and Darren especially if Travis isn't nearby, Jasper and I head back towards the car and off down the road to the river we crossed on the way in. We swim naked in the river and I sunbathe while Jasper collects rocks in his mouth from the river bottom. I dress as the insects start flying around me on dusk. I throw sticks and rocks for Jasper for a couple of hours and start a fire near the car around 6.30pm. Travis comes down the trail about an hour later and we head to the cabin for some dinner. It's hot and dusty but I'm excited to be staying in the woods.

"Did they turn up?" I look at his dirty face and smile.

"Who?"

"Darren and Sean? The goon squad," I roll my eyes.

He nods looking at me funny.

"Oh yeah! You didn't see them?"

"No" I smile thinking he's joking.

"Oh? They said they saw you. I thought you must have?" he's serious.

Eww when did they see me? With my luck it would have been when I was swimming. In the middle of nowhere on a logging road, off the track swimming in the river, how could anyone have seen me? They were probably already here and saw me and I just didn't see their car. Instantly I need a shower. I feel violated.

Driving further down the logging road we came in on I take a left at the fork as directed and a few hundred metres up the road I pull the Subaru into a small clearing after a row of tall trees. You'd have to know the place was there to see it from the road. It's a farmer's camp.

"How d'you know they aren't coming to use their cabins Travis?"

"They'd be here by now."

"Are you sure?"

"Well I'm not certain but they only use the place when they're moving cattle."

It's very rustic but I like it. There's a guest sign-in book and the cupboards are stocked with pots, pans, cutlery and canned food. We have a few different cabins to choose from and Jasper and I explore them all, along with the outhouse and corral. Jasper heads straight down to the river and the wooden benches alongside it make it a nice place to sit and watch the last of the sun going down. The air is still warm but I collect sticks for a fire on my walk back to the kitchen cabin. It's always romantic to sit around a fire.

Each cabin has a double bed with mattress. We've never been here before so we sleep in the one Travis likes and I put our bags on the bed. He heats up some canned soup served with bread and butter for dinner and is finished his food before I'm even halfway through mine. I don't love butter but I don't want to be rude so I'm slowly making my way through the meal.

"Cheers!" he pops the cap off another bottle of beer and holds it up.

"Cheers!" I lift my warm half-full bottle up in agreement.

I can see with his thirst we will be out of beer in no time but I don't care about that. It's nice to be in the woods. It's nice to be out of the house. I feel myself exhale deeply and my shoulder muscles relax a little more. This is like a mini-vacation. Jasper and I never go camping anymore. I roll up a joint and we pass it back and forth getting high, sitting on the wooden benches around the fire pit, staring into the flames. The firewood has been dry for so long that it burns easily and hot. I have to sit back further because it's so hot and I'm sure it's illuminating the pimples on my face. Looking up the night sky is filled with sparkling diamonds and it seems to go on forever. There are no city lights to dim our view of it. The air is fresh and Jasper is having the time of his life tracking scents and stealing sticks intended for the fire.

"What are you doing you funny looking creature on four legs?" Travis tries to grab a stick from Jasper's mouth.

"He's not funny looking!" I protest as any mother would.

"He might be an alien?"

"You might be too!"

"That's true. But I bet he looks more like them than I do."

"We'll probably never know."

He nods in agreement and I wonder where all this alien talk is coming from?

"So did you have a visit from some little men in spacesuits or just a bad trip?" I joke.

Travis laughs and shakes his head.

"No not recently. But I was at the beach one time and my friends and I used this mask connected to a bottle of something some guy had on a trolley, and I thought I was gone for days" he laughs, "But when I came back to reality my friends said it had only been out about half and hour. I clearly saw the inner workings of my own being that day Marley. If I was ever going to see something from another world it would have been then."

He wants me to ask more about his trip at the beach. I don't. I often totally ignored the lead's people created and went on to speak about things I was interested in. And sometimes I did it on purpose just so that the person couldn't tell their story. I bore easily.

"Jasper?" I call out.

I look around the campsite. He was beside me only seconds before.

"Can you see the dog Travis?"

"He'll be fine. He's in the woods. That's where dogs are most at home you know?"

"Not domesticated ones."

"Oh Marley. Stop worrying. Here he comes up from the river."

Jasper shakes his coat and water goes flying all over us and I laugh.

"Oh well, wet dog smell all night it is."

Travis puts his hands up to stop Jasper from getting too close to him and I can tell he's annoyed.

"Over here Jas. Come and lie down" I call him patting my side.

Travis stands up and warms his back against the open fire. The flames are licking in all directions so there's no one good spot to stand and the smoke appears to chase him.

"Get back fire!" he points at it.

"So what happened with this accident you mentioned on the phone last time I saw you?"

He laughs sitting down again.

"You don't want to know."

"I do or I wouldn't have asked. What's so funny?"

"The whole story. It's a comedy/tragedy."

I stay quiet, and by doing so state my expectation that he tell the story.

"Me and the lads had a car accident."

I've met a couple of his friends most of whom are in the drug trade and they aren't exactly the smartest folk on the planet. I'm not surprised by this news but want to hear the story.

"Whoa! Is everyone okay?"

"Oh yeah it was just a bad scene. Ridiculously bad! Stupid in fact" nodding his head.

"Why am I not surprised? Darren and Sean involved?"

"Yeah."

"Tweedle dum and tweedle dee!" I nod knowingly.

"Huh?" he's confused, he doesn't know the characters.

"Don't worry. Just silliness."

Travis throws his beer bottle up to his lips and sighs as he finishes the drink.

"So I dunno... what? About six weeks ago now maybe more, we were fixing to bring about 400 plants out here. And they were big. About three foot before I even wanted to put them in the woods so they had to be moved in a cube van. I got the lads involved because they have a car and they both have licenses, right? I'm on probation and I don't have my license right now."

He looks sheepish as if this might be startling news to me. I simply nod in acknowledgement as if it's no big deal and not surprising.

"So I get Darren to rent a cube van and we load it up with the plants in North Van and Darren drives it..."

"He wanted to drive it?" I cut him off.

"Well yeah he volunteered. He had to use his ID to rent the van because Sean and I can't. And so because he rented it he decided he had to drive it."

He shrugs and I snicker, shaking my head at him.

"What?"

He knows why I snicker before I even say it.

"He volunteered?" I show doubt.

"Alright, I pumped Darren up and made him feel good about giving him the most important task and it wasn't easy. I had to get him to rent the van and even worse, once he decided that he wanted to drive it he had to give Sean the keys to his car."

"That little buzz box? The Wind-up Toy?"

"Yep. The Clown Car!"

"What'd ya need that for?"

"Well we had to get up here too and like I said I wasn't about to be in the van with all those plants while on probation."

"Got it" I wink.

He reaches for the last beer in the box.

"We'll share this one."

I hold up my half drunk beer.

"I'm good you have it."

He nods and twists the cap off the beer flicking it into the fire.

"Cheers!"

And before I know it a third of his beer is gone. I'm feeling tired but want to hear the rest of the story.

"So you're driving up here with Sean at the wheel? Brave soul."

He laughs.

"Yep. So Darren is driving the van and Sean and I are in the Mazda. We know we'll be up here putting the plants out for a few days so we grab five cases of beer to cover us and load them into the car on the back seat. We get a few bags of food but it's mostly just cans of soup and some bread and crisps."

I nod and smile while he pauses to take a swig from the bottle. He sits back in his chair and stares at the fire.

"I get walkie-talkies from Canadian Tire and each vehicle has one. I explain the set-up to them both, how Sean and I will be the lead car in case there's any reason for the van to want to get off Highway One."

I'm nodding picturing the scene while he swigs from his beer again and wipes his mouth with his hand.

"I take control of the walkie-talkie in our car even though Sean is itching to use it and keeps grabbing it from me to talk shit to Darren. And he's driving mind you! The fucking idiot!" he spits the words out.

I nod in agreement. I could picture the goon squad cracking jokes.

"We get away late in the afternoon because we load the van all night and then try to get some sleep before we head out, right?"

"Right."

"So Sean and I are in the lead and I keep telling Darren to hang back so I can tell him ahead of time if there's any trouble but the guy is basically on our ass."

I roll my eyes but Travis isn't looking at me.

"We get into the afternoon traffic and Darren's cracking jokes and fucking around on the walkie-talkie and I can hear him changing radio stations. I'm telling him to back off when Sean brakes hard because he's distracted looking in the mirror at Darren and the traffic is stopped dead ahead, and without warning, Bang! The van smashes right up the back of us!" he smacks one hand into the other.

"No!" I gasp covering my open mouth.

"Yep, fucking idiot isn't watching and we have broken beer bottles spraying all over us and the van is smashed in the front and the car is totaled in the back. Darren shits himself and panics staring at me and his little car. I yell out of the smashed back window for him to get out of there. People are out of their cars, coming over to help us and Darren peels out into the emergency lane and up the closest off ramp. Some dude calls the cops on his phone and a woman rushes over carrying the front license plate that fell off the van when he hit us."

"Oh my god!" my mouth hangs wide open.

Darren crashed into his own car in a rental van that he rented that was packed with illegal plants.

"Yup. It was fucked up! The woman was like 'It'll be alright I've got the plate!' holding it up for everyone like she's a hero. It was bad. "

He swigs from his beer looking at the paper label he's slowly removing in one piece. He's got a crooked half smile on his face. I want to laugh at the absurdity of his story but can't tell if that will offend him?

"Did the cops turn up?"

"Yeah. They catch Darren just up the road off the off ramp and of course with all the plants in the back and the walkie-talkie etc he's in a bunch of shit. And they get to us and take down all our details. It goes on forever as they look at the broken beer and the walkie-talkie on the floor and after they talk to the cops up the road with Darren, the lead officer dude comes to me and tells me they know we we're traveling together."

"Shit!"

"Yeah he says it doesn't look good for me, being on probation and all, and that they'll be doing further investigation. I'm told to expect a call."

"That sucks. What a fuckin' idiot!"

"Yeah. Tell me about it. It couldn't have gone any worse. We lost 400 plants too!"

He sits back and folds his arms across his chest.

"What's going to happen now?"

"We've got court dates. All of us. I don't really wanna think about that though. You got any more weed?"

"Yeah. You wanna roll it?"

"Sure."

"What happened with the van?"

"Sean rented it so he's got a ton of insurance trouble too," he nods and stares at his beer, "Basically everyone's fucked!"

It made more sense as to how Travis was different from when I'd first met him. He wasn't as cocky as he once was. He'd been caught and was worn by it all. I look at him in the darkness with only the orange glow of the fire illuminating half his face. I can tell he knows I'm looking at him as he finishes rolling the joint, throws it between his lips and sparks it. Huh. I would've thought 'my weed - me first' but I guess not!

We watch the embers passing the joint back and forth. The night air is getting colder and my eyes are heavy.

"You ready for bed?"

Travis is asking me but he's already up and putting the fire out.

"Sure am."

Jasper climbs on his blanket beside the bed and Travis locks the door to keep the mice out. I don't question the reasoning but now I worry about some crazy person busting in and Travis cowering in the corner. He reaches out for me under the covers and gently rubs my neck as he pulls me in towards him. The bed is surprisingly comfortable. Made more so by his little sleeping bag on the mattress and my queen size duvet on top. We cuddle close kissing and trying to get warm. His hands feel my body gently and slowly layers of clothing are stripped off. By the time we press our naked bodies together it's heating up under the duvet and Travis rubs his hand between my legs. I want to have an orgasm but I have my period and being in the woods doesn't make me feel too clean. I'd never ask anyone to go where I wouldn't. I slowly stroke his penis. I can tell that he wants me.

"D'you want to have sex?" I breathily ask him.

It's too cold for any position other than missionary and there was no way I was giving him a blowjob. He'd been doing work sweating all day.

"Yes."

"I have a tampon in. Do you still wanna have sex?"

"Yes" his warm breath is near my ear.

I pull my tampon out and throw it on the shelf behind us. Travis climbs on top of me and pulls my hips into him and we move together in the darkness. I can only feel and hear him. There's a small window in the cabin but it's so dark outside that it doesn't help. We kiss feverishly and I'm nibbling on his neck when I feel him tense up. He slows to a stop prematurely and I'm worried he heard something.

"You okay?"

"Yeah it's just too dark. I can't see anything."

"Me either. I was trying to remember what you look like."

We laugh and snuggle together to keep warm. I've never been one to worry too much about lights when fucking but I can see for the first time, that total darkness makes it a very different experience. I drift off imagining that's what it's like to have sex when you're blind.

We sleep close and I think Travis thinks it's expected. Which it is, but I don't like that he thinks that. All the fresh air must have made Jasper tired because we all sleep late and it's not like him to sleep beyond 7am. He's always busting for a pee.

Around 10.30am, beside a roaring fire, Travis and I enjoy a hearty breakfast of fruit and granola bars washed down with water from the river. The water tastes unbelievably good. It's chemical free nectar of the earth.

"Wanna go for a hike?"

"Hell yeah! Woof! Woof! Jasper says yes too."

We pack up our belongings and make our way along the riverbed hopping from rock to rock, so as not to get wet feet. We both throw sticks for Jasper and he's darting in all directions unaware of splashing us as he does. Some of the rocks that are above water are far apart making it a challenge not to get our feet soaked but then that's the way I prefer life. Filled with challenges. I'm bored when things come too easily.

It's quiet and peaceful and the sun is beaming down on us. I wish we could stay this way forever. I want to create a veggie patch here. I want to bathe in an outside tub. I want to have my man build me furniture from wood. I want an open fire every day. I want the peaceful surroundings, the time to think and no one around.

"We should start heading home."

Travis lifts a large rock above his head repeatedly working his arm muscles. He looks good illuminated by the sun streaming down over his body. I sit on a wooden bench and enjoy watching the flow of the river and Jasper walks up behind me panting.

"I know" I sigh, shifting my gaze from the flowing water to Travis's naked upper body and smile broadly at him.

He smiles back at me making me laugh. In this moment we are both free and neither of us wants to leave. The material world is fraught with pressures and problems and there are things I don't want to do. Namely my garden and the tending it requires.

PIL is crying into the phone. She's lost without Justin and doesn't want to move ever again. She's speaking between gentle sobs and full-blown howling.

"Can you bring me a tub of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey and a big bag of Nacho Doritos?"

"I will if you promise to shower before get there. I don't want to be near any stench, my stomach couldn't handle it."

The truth is I just want her to stop crying and hope a hot shower will relax her. I buy two bottles of wine because I know it'll help her sleep and help me better understand her when she's talk-crying. Jasper's staying with Evan in the suite for a few days and I have my sleeping bag just in case it's the long and drunken night I'm predicting. If we have as much wine as I think we will I'll have to stay anyway.

PIL is one of my two best friends. Jess is the other. PIL's full name is Phillipa Imogen Langford and she hates it. But she hates it when people call her Phil even more. Something her mother and father like to do. Most people don't even know her real name because she introduces herself as PIL.

We met at Buddha's Belly, a restaurant where we were servers more than twelve years ago and we hit it off instantly, both being independent strong women who play by our own rules and share the same sense of humour. Within days of meeting we were hanging out and partying at the bar after shift, creating the party everywhere we went.

PIL buzzes me into the main door of her Vancouver apartment building without even asking who I am. I'm worried. The elevator stops quickly and the doors open at her floor. I could be a rapist and murderer on my way to do her harm. I juggle the grocery bags walking down the hall and her neighbour Mrs. Wardell is standing outside her apartment stirring a cup of something steamy.

"Hello dear. Nice to see you."

"And you Mrs. Wardell."

I smile and give her a half nod then put my head back down.

"She's been crying for hours you know?" she sounds smug.

I stop next to her, looking up.

"I know. I am sorry. She's just very upset right now."

"It's more like howling really. My baby 'Precious' has been cowering under her blanket thinking the worst. It's a more frightening sound than a thunder storm to her."

"Oh that's terrible. I'm sorry. I'll get her to stop. She's had some bad news."

I look down as Precious scampers over and I want to kick that frou-frou bitch in the head. But I like dogs and I'm annoyed at Mrs. Wardell not Precious.

"If it was bad news like a death I could understand dear, you know? I've been through some hard times myself. But from the sounds of her banter I think it's just that idiot boyfriend of hers upsetting her again?"

The old lady is questioning me but with an air of knowledge about the whole thing.

"Mmmm..."

I wait, showing my disapproval at her butting her nose in by my silence, with my judgment of her hanging in that silence. My arms are hurting from carrying the bags.

"I think you'll find it's not and he's gone by the way but I really don't have time to talk about it right now. You have a good afternoon now."

I walk on by her as she picks up Precious and I push the already ajar door to PIL's apartment wide open with my right leg. PIL's curled up on the couch in her housecoat and slippers with my favourite baby blue, cashmere blanket around her shoulders. Her big red eyes stare up at me.

"Fucker!" she spits under her breath.

She blows her nose loudly as if to emphasize the point. I slam the door closed with the same boot I used to open it and I drop the bags.

"Yes he is. But that's why we say, 'Fuck him!' and get stuck into this wine."

She points to where the wine glasses are on the shelf.

"Yes please."

"So that I didn't carry all this shit up here for nothing, get your ass up and help me unpack. There better be gas in the BBQ?"

"Shit!" she's distraught and I worry she's going to cry again. I turn to look at her quickly.

"What? No gas huh?"

"Just kidding," she smiles weakly at me "there's gas."

"Damn. You should have been an actress!"

I'm happy her mood has changed momentarily but still worried she's on the edge of a breakdown. Dragging herself off the couch she wanders over and rummages through the grocery bags and finding the ice cream, she grabs a spoon and heads back to the couch. I don't mind as long as she's happy. After all that's why I'm here. I'd feel worse if she went through the bags and picked nothing.

"Now where's the wine opener?" I sigh, grabbing it out of a drawer.

I put two wine glasses down on the coffee table and flop down on the couch beside her. I choose the wine glass with the chip in the base. It'll help me remember which is mine when I'm drunk.

"So what'd he do?" I venture trying not to be too negative because no matter how angry a woman is, if she loves the man there's always a chance they'll get back together. And when they do, she'll remember anything hateful you said about her lover.

"I saw him having coffee at Tim's in the mall with another woman," PIL sobs, her voice going thin at the end.

"Oh. I'm sorry."

And I am. Sorry that PIL cares about him. The guy is so boring he takes a woman to Tim Hortons for coffee! We live on the West Coast known for a coffee house on every corner. Be gone with you Justin, the loser!

"Shhhh PIL. Relax. I'm here all night. Talk to me."

I try quieting her softly without upsetting her as I'm sure old lady Wardell has one ear on the door.

"I was feeling as though I was really starting to get over him, ya know? You can see! I've lost weight since he left me and I was just beginning to feel better about me. Right? And then Blam! This! Him with some idiot chick! Just sitting there smiling and laughing together," she stops, stares at me and is incredulous, "like she knows him!"

PIL spits a little wine out with her last statement and wipes my face clumsily with her hand in case I got sprayed, poking me in the eye as she does. I wince and laugh and for a moment she does too. I feel her pain I just don't have any answers that will take her pain away. I use the opportunity to get off the couch and turn up the music. PIL has an odd selection of tracks she likes and I'm hoping that the noise will drive the gossiping neighbour back to her soap watching.

"Wash your face and let's dance."

PIL gets up to wash her face and when she comes back from the bathroom we dance around the living room singing into our fists.

"I believe in miracles, where you from, you sexy thing? Kiss me, you sexy thing. Touch me, you sexy thing. Yesterday I was one of the lonely people, now you're laying close to me, giving it to me! Oh I believe in miracles, since you came along, you sexy thing!"

I go down onto my knees and sing the last line up at her and we fall about laughing. Well into the second bottle of red after a few more songs there's less crying and I broach the subject of PIL moving on herself.

"PIL don't you think you should maybe go out on a date, just so that you can get a clearer perspective of what you're really missing with Justin?"

"Who am I going to date Marley? I don't know anyone. Do you? The guys I know are either happily married or losers looking for an affair. And I really don't think that'd be a good move right now, do you?"

She's feeling attacked. It's the wrong time.

"Okay" I say slowly, "Well what about giving the Internet a try? I've heard good things about Lavalife."

Her eyes are wide but quickly turn into a squint.

"What? You want me to get a stalker? Are you kidding me? Marley you're supposed to be making me feel better."

"Noooooo of course I don't want you to have a stalker PIL. But I'm serious. A few girls I know have found guys they liked on there. And at the very least they became friends. You just have to be safe about it."

"Listen to yourself Marley. You're saying that I should go on a blind date with someone that I, and none of my friends and family knows, and somehow I'm supposed to do it safely?" PIL laughs heartily.

I smile.

"Yeah. You got me. But it wouldn't hurt to look, right? You know check it out, put up a profile maybe? See who's out there?"

"A profile? I do have a nice profile."

She checks herself out in the mirror over the fireplace, throwing her head from side to side.

"Yes, why yes you do."

I nod my head encouraging her ego and catching me in the mirror she spins on her heel.

"I couldn't do that. I could never do that. I wouldn't know what to say about myself? Besides I'm not all that interesting."

"Oh yes you are and I could help you. And it's not like you have to go anywhere with any of these guys you can just flirt online if you like. You don't ever have to meet them."

"Hmmm... You seem to know quite a lot about it Marley, wanna share?" PIL elbows me in the ribs eyes open wide.

"No, I've never done it" I protest, "it's just that I've seen how it works and think it might be nice for you to get some emails. You know what I mean? Get you some male attention."

"What would you put in YOUR profile Marley?"

"Me?"

I'm buying time so I don't have to answer the question.

"Yes you Marley Willis. Do tell? Who are you when you're looking for a date?"

I already know there are no words I can use on PIL to get out of this one. I squirm knowing she knows she's got me trapped. Don't ask of others what you wouldn't do yourself.

"Let's see. Hmmm... "

I stall hoping she's drunk enough to forget what we were talking about. She stares at me, waiting.

"Come on, do I have to?"

"Yes!"

I stare into space for a minute and cringe at the thought of what I'm about to say. PIL waits and looks at me knowing that I'll break long before she does. I put my wine glass down on the table and lean back into the couch.

"Okay here goes. I'm an attractive young woman who grows weed for a living in her rental house. I look like the girl next door only a little prettier. I get my morning drink at Starbucks and stand right beside you. I get rolling papers and the newspaper ahead of you when I get gas at the 7-11 and because my world is isolated I'll often strike up idle chitchat with complete strangers just like you. I dress well and accessorize with a handsome Golden Retriever. I drive a nice new Subaru..."

PIL scoffs.

"Okay" I continue, "I drive a Subaru and I'd consider myself worldly-wise and friendly. I've held many seasonal positions in the hospitality industry over the years only now I just grow weed. I work for myself, I set my own hours, I don't pay taxes and I turn a reasonable profit. I live a life of freedom."

She stares at me fascinated. I'm on a roll so I don't stop.

"I try to workout a minimum of five times a week and my sleep is always restless. I worry a lot, and about all sorts of things. House fire, detection, RCMP visits, bugs and mites, burned retinas, weed sale price, bills, the list is endless. If I didn't worry, my friends would worry about me."

PIL smiles nodding in encouragement for me to tell her more.

"Go on."

I put my socked feet on the glass top of the coffee table.

"I like hot scented baths with candles everywhere. Red and white wine are staples at home, beer socially. I read, write and love to speak! Friends..."

"French? You don't speak French" she's confused.

"No I was going to say 'Friends mean a lot to me. Not French."

PIL rolls her eyes. I wonder if I'm slurring or she's drunk and not hearing me right?

"Whoops! My bad. Sorry, go on" she puts her hand out as though I'm royalty.

"Ummm... I appreciate all types of music and when I'm alone I'm inclined to play Jazz. My body is not perfect and I don't particularly like that my fingernails curl slightly around the end of my fingers because they look like claws if I let them grow long. I have my hair streaked with blonde highlights four times a year although I'd prefer to be even more low maintenance for me. I like an extra hot, hot chocolate only it's gotta be from Starbucks. I'm detached from people yet still try to be interactive. I read the newspaper daily and refer to The Province as the 'bad news' paper, and as I have no pressure to be anywhere at a certain time, I mostly amble about. I've always been a keen photographer and shoot natural environment pictures when out walking my dog."

I stand up and pretend to snap a profile photo of myself making a clicking sound for effect but I'm really heading for the bathroom. I keep talking. PIL's apartment is not that big.

"I really want world peace and I'm bothered by the role sex has taken in our society. I'm drawn to sensational television like COPS, Cold Case Files, World's Worst Police Chases and the like, but at the same time I'm disgusted by the exploitation of these poor nutters with simply too much time on their hands. Education is the key to a successful life and I'm always looking to expand my knowledge base. I like guys with a sense of humour and I love to be in love. I need the freedom to pursue my own avenues while simultaneously cultivating a relationship with another independent. Massage is the greatest treat I can buy myself, so if I get one for free I'm eternally grateful. I wish I didn't have such a gravelly voice. Although, I've been told by people that I should've either been in radio or a phone sex operator."

I'm holding court as I like to do but only where I'm comfortable and PIL's toilet is one of those places. I like her bathroom. It's much more girly than mine. Grabbing my wine from the edge of the bathroom sink I nearly drop it and get a huge rush of adrenalin trying to stop it from smashing on the floor. Back in the living room PIL is looking tired and I take a big gulp of my wine to stop me shaking. I breathe out deeply.

"Where was I up to? Oh yeah, fresh air is key to my happiness and my health is good with the exception of a little asthma, oh and these cloudy pot filled lungs of course. I snowboard in the winter and play volleyball at UBC in the summer. I run every day, all year round, except when injured and sailing is next on my list of activities to conquer. I would love to river kayak but I'm afraid of flipping over and hitting my head on a rock. You could die that way you know?"

PIL laughs.

"I have a tattoo, eat only when I'm hungry and almost always give in to whatever my heart desires. Occasional piercing included. I get pissy about bad service in restaurants because if you're there to serve me why not to do it with professionalism and a smile? Nobody's making you to be there after all. I have a low tolerance for fools and I really like homemade gifts. I'm a sucker for the last minute candy bar section at the checkout aisle and occasionally the trashy magazines. I used to like flying in airplanes but now since 9/11 and all the headaches at airports I wish teleportation was already possible. Get me to the beach now!"

"Hell yeah!" PIL throws her arm in the air.

"I love the sound of rain on a tin roof and being in front of an open fire. I seek spiritual enlightenment. I pursue uncontrollable laughter from the belly and like the intimacy in a shared private joke. If I were to be described as touchy-feely it would be a compliment and clumsy is a word people use around me often as they shake their heads and smile. I've also been called 'Frank' because I like to share my honest opinion. I spend most of my days in a very busy Technicolor mind and my life is a jigsaw puzzle of manic moments."

I look at PIL and she is wide-eyed again shaking her head.

"Wow!"

I smile and shrug reaching for my glass again. It's nearly empty.

"So you've thought about it then?"

"No not really. That was just off the top of my head."

I throw a cushion at her and we laugh together. She seems to have forgotten her pain and sadness.

"Of course that would be edited down to fit the format and needs of a profile. All that information would scare a person. Have you got some matches?"

After several minutes of the hissing sounds of gas and no flame I fail to get the BBQ lit. The matches keep going out and I expect both PIL and I to lose some hair when the pilot actually lights. Tick! Tick! Tick! The igniter button is working overtime. Bang! Finally we have flame and thankfully we're spared any burns. Although the tea towel PIL casually set down isn't so lucky.

"Stomp on it!" I yell at her as I throw it on the ground.

After we extinguish the tea towel, without meeting the hunky local fire department, I make chicken burgers and PIL talks more about her pain. She is easier to understand when she's not crying although the wine helps her to forget what she's already said and she repeats herself a lot. It's good for me to hear others feel the same pain as I do. Justin wasn't the guy for PIL, just like Evan wasn't the guy for me. But no woman wanted to hear that, they just wanted to have someone else acknowledge their pain.

We eat messy burgers close to midnight and finish the last of the wine as I smoke a joint on the balcony. Sitting on the lounge chairs we listen to the music playing inside the apartment and look at the lights on in the apartments around us. Some people have their windows open and others are on their decks and we can hear other conversations. We are being nosy and one minute PIL is talking about the neighbours who like to fuck with the windows open every night and the next minute she's snoring. I rouse her enough that she can walk herself to the bedroom and I walk to the couch.

"My teeth. I have to do my teeth!" she mutters repeatedly but once she's on the bed I can hear that she's out. Her snoring helps me drift off with the lovely cashmere blanket over my body. If I never woke up I'd be content going like this.

Bright light wakes me and I open my eyes carefully. Sleep crusties are keeping my eyelids together. I used to get conjunctivitis as a kid so I'm always cautious not wanting to rip any eyelashes out. I only have a few to begin with. I feel wind by my ear as PIL runs around the apartment cursing and in a panic. Either the apartment is on fire because we left the BBQ running or PIL is late for work?

My head hurts and I don't move pretending it's not morning. I'm ridiculously tired and can only imagine how PIL's feeling. I hear the shower running and there's cursing and I sit up and crack my neck. Ah that's better! PIL's cushions do not make great pillows. Not wanting to make her situation any more stressful I get up and dress quickly. I listen to her brushing her teeth in the shower and gag at the thought of brushing my teeth in warm water and then spitting all that bad breath and dry mouth crud out down by my feet. I don't know how anyone does it?

I put a pot of coffee on and pack my bag. I'm combing my hair when PIL runs by me to the bedroom in a bra and panties combo that are long past their used-by date.

"There's fresh coffee in the pot PIL. I have to run honey. I'll call you later" I call after her.

"You know you don't have to go Marl."

"I know. Thanks."

"No, thank YOU for last night. It really helped. Really. You're a gem."

"Well that's the first time a 'woman' has thanked me for the night before!"

"Oh Marley please! We both know that's not true!" she giggles from the bedroom.

"And gem? Gem? Pippa really? When did your Mom get here?"

"Bahahahahaha... Shut up! And don't ever call me Pippa again Marlene!"

I put my shoes on and throw my bag over my shoulder. PIL breezes by me again, this time in a skirt, suit jacket and black stilettos. She blows me an air kiss.

"What? Not teaching dance class today?" I point at her attire and she slows her hurried pace to stop.

"No. Well actually yes, but I have to see my accountant first thing this morning."

She brushes her thick hair back into a ponytail.

"Yuck!"

"Yeah tell me about it. Something about declaring a certain amount of tips every year in hospitality and fines being issued for those that haven't?"

"What?"

"Yeah you never heard. Remember that old lady Mandy we worked with? Well she wasn't really old but she seemed it!" PIL shrugs, "Anyway, she just got fined and had to pay thousands in fines for returns that she filed years ago. I saw her outside Roots on Robson Street."

PIL walks towards the bathroom and I rub my temples.

"No you never told me. That's terrible!" I mutter thinking about my own tax returns when in hospitality.

She turns back to me as she reaches the door.

"Sorry I thought I did. Anyway that's the last thing I need right now!"

I worry that I'm preventing her from having a comfortable morning getting ready. I dig into my handbag for my sunglasses. My head hurts and I'm exhausted. I need sugar. I put eye drops in but it doesn't seem to help.

"Bye Pip!"

"Bye Marlon! I'll talk to you later" she yells from the bathroom.

Pulling PIL's front door shut behind me I'm half expecting to see Mrs. Wardell in the hall but there's no sign of her. The desire to put my ear to the door is only stifled when I imagine her on the other side of it already watching me. I hurry past and give the middle finger to her door once I'm clear.

I step into the sunlight on the footpath and stand in the street watching the morning traffic. I'm glad that I've never been a part of it. I've never held a job that required me to cattle call into an office at the same time as everyone else. I walk towards my car and notice I'm moving faster than the traffic along the street. A wave of panic washes over me and I think about whether my car's where I left it? I always imagine it being stolen in Vancouver. Sweat forms in tiny beads on my upper lip and some strange need to know that my car is still where I left it propels me forward and my hips are swinging hard as I turn into the alley. I stand on tippy toes and strain my neck to see if it's half way down the block on the right. I even do a half-hearted jump to be sure. Yep, there it is! Little 'Scoobie', my blue Subaru. My feet and heart slow their pace again and I laugh out loud. What an idiot! But I'm awake now. Awake and jittery. The first thing I need is a Starbuck's Hot Chocolate.

Travis calls later in the week and invites me out again. He's waiting outside a friend's place when I arrive and I get out of the car and go around to greet him. He looks confused. At the passenger door I reach out and we share a hug and as we separate the hairs rise on the back of my neck. I like to be close but he'd definitely pulled back. It wasn't a huge reaction like 'get off me' but he'd broken our embrace first. I watch him run his tongue over his teeth and I wonder if he brushed? He knows how I am with hygiene. If he smells like the night before or if he has something out of place or in his teeth, I'll always tell him. Today I just smile at him, unsure.

I stop the car again minutes down the road at the Liquor Store in North Vancouver and he grabs a six-pack of beer. We'd decided on the phone to head to the beach but I have a feeling that a sixer won't cover it. Knowing Travis though, this is just the warm up, the appetizer before his pub tour!

There's not another car in the parking lot at the beach and Travis carries the six-pack down to the sand. He scopes out a nice spot to sit and watch the sun and waves back at me to follow him. I soldier along the sand in my flip-flops to our chosen viewpoint, wondering if he locked his car door?

"Awesome!" I flop down next to him on some old logs.

We've barely sat down when from nowhere a couple wanders over and stands right beside where we're sitting. There's no one else around and there's huge stretch of beach. Travis is instantly agitated and we look at each other wondering why they're so close? We both like our privacy.

"Why do you have to be so close?" Travis asks them out of nowhere.

I smile at him not wanting a confrontation.

"It's okay. We should move to a better spot anyway" I say gently and stand up.

I look over at the couple and the guy looks confused. He waves halfheartedly and turns leading his Mrs away.

"Sorry!" he mutters grumpily.

I can tell the guy's put out, but smelling the weed we're smoking and not wanting to start anything he decides the better of staying. After they leave we sit for another beer. The sun is still hot and I'm squinting not wearing a hat.

"You want to take a walk along the beach Marley?"

"Sure."

I'm hoping we don't run into the couple again. My fingers are crossed and my eyes are peeled as Travis and I move aimlessly, talking more than drinking or walking. I'm enjoying his company despite the rough start to our date.

"So what happened with your relationship then?"

I go stiff and can feel the emotions stir inside me. What was Travis thinking? I'm flustered. Overwhelmed with sadness. Tears roll down my face and I cry in front of him. It's a bad move but I can't help it. I see him desperately wanting to change gears and subjects and that makes me even sadder. I just need a big hug. But I can see it's not going to happen so I try to pull myself together.

"I'm sorry. It's just that there're a lot of raw nerves there. I feel very let down and..." my voice trails off as I choke back another tear that's threatening to develop into a full blown wail.

I dab my eyes with a tissue that's already soaked in tears. He still doesn't reach out to comfort me.

"So how long's it been then?"

"Since January. We broke up in January. He wanted to try and make it work but it didn't happen," I say quickly and shrug, hoping we might change subjects.

Travis puts his empty bottle in the cardboard box he's carrying and twists the lid off another beer. In the midst of my misery I notice his clothing and smile.

"Nice shirt!" I say wiping my eyes and clearing my throat happy to be distracted by the loud polyester green Hawaiian shirt he's wearing.

"Thank you."

He looks down at his chest checking himself out and nodding.

"Sally Anne?"

It looks recycled but then so does lots of hip clothing these days. Salvation Army are hit and miss but sometimes with some good selecting recycled fashion was ahead of the stores.

"No a friend."

He lets it linger which makes me think it's a female friend.

"Nice!" I don't mean it but I applaud individuality.

"You obviously have good taste too!" he smiles and I raise an eyebrow.

"How's things with you anyway?"

"Not bad" he shrugs.

"When was the last time you saw your folks?"

Travis tilts his head back and scratches under his chin. I can't tell if he's thinking about it or making something up.

"Errr... umm.... well it's been a while."

"Did you used to see them regularly?"

Smiling he looks at me from the corners of his eyes without moving his head. I know it's his way of telling me I'm asking too many questions.

"Yeah I used to visit my Mom every three weeks. I'd be on my regular run and I'd stop by. I'd buy her something, ya know, and have a meal and all..."

Travis nods his head and finishes the last of his beer.

"And you haven't been back? Not since you were caught?"

"I wasn't actually caught. My charter rights were violated by Via Rail staff. They had no right to inspect my bags without my consent."

I nod. He was stopped by police in Toronto getting off a Via Rail train with a couple of backpacks packed tight with marijuana. The train staff in the baggage car could smell it.

"But yes. Since I'm not doing runs back East I don't get back home to visit. I can't. I don't have the money. Everything I have went to the lawyers and I still have to make lots more to pay people back."

"That sucks. And that's before the new case with Darren and Sean?"

"Uh huh" he nods, "It's pretty obvious to my family that things have changed."

"What did you tell your Mom about not coming out to visit anymore?"

He rubs his forehead.

"Ahhh... that I have regular plastering work and can't get time off like I used to."

"What must she have thought about all the visits before?"

"Well she thought I lived there and came out here to BC to look at moving out here. She had no idea I lived here and came and went like I did."

Huh! His secrets and lies know no bounds.

"I guess you were visiting as often as someone who did live locally?"

"Yep and I used to have apartments in both places. It was only once all that shit went down that I gave them away."

I'd imagined he'd used someone for a bed when he was in Windsor. He probably shared his place with some lover.

"I would've thought you could sleep in the back of that big Suburban?"

"I used to all the time on the three day trip East. But not once I'd get there. It would've made the job less of a job and more of a lifestyle."

I nod. I could see what he meant. My own time was monopolized by the grow op because I lived amongst it. I never left it. Travis shifts from foot to foot looking out at the ocean. We're out of beer and he's getting agitated again. Some days I talk too much. Or maybe just ask too many questions? Travis lurches forward smiling and startling me.

"Let's go to the pub!"

He grabs me around the shoulders he gives me a quick supportive sideways hug and pats me on the back. Booze is his answer to everything. I'd noticed every time we'd get together he needed to be getting progressively drunk or at least maintaining a certain level of intoxication or fuzziness. I don't think he's only like this around me though because the way he talks, it sounds an all day everyday occurrence.

I pull chopsticks from the kitchen drawer and jam them in the bun in my hair and dance around the living room pretending to be a young Japanese Geisha dancer. I'm shuffling around in my Japanese robe pretending to hold a hand-held fan in my hand and hiding behind it as though I'm painfully shy. The acting classes I took at eighteen years of age are still not working although I feel I look the part as I managed to create almond shaped eyes with a liner pen. I hope it stays in place and I don't rub off though because it would look very silly if only one eye had that kind of make-up.

I check myself in the mirror again and wink happily at my transformation. I think of myself as a 'stay at home' exhibitionist. In public I want to be invisible. I don't like to be judged and because I already feel like I've been left behind in the real world, the normal 2.5 kids and a picket fence world, I already judge myself all day long. Why draw attention to a flawed life?

The music changes and John Mayer is singing to me. I don't care who sees me as I spin around the room in front of the windows. These moves are part of a music video I'm in and the choreography is by Fame's Debbie Allen. Or maybe the dance is being performed on stage?

..."she's always buzzing just like, Neon, Neon, Neon, Neon, who knows how long, how long, how long, she can go before she burns away..."

I imagine he's singing it just for me and for a moment I'm happy. I smile to myself at how lucky I would feel. Then I think of him doing it every day, at the breakfast table, in the backyard, in a restaurant, outside my workplace as he waits to walk me home, and I start to feel sick. I wonder why every woman wants John Cusack to hold a boom box above his head with Peter Gabriel's 'In Your Eyes' playing from it? What was considered romantic behaviour in the 1980s would be known as stalking and harassment today.

I know I can't be with a mushy guy. I don't think I deserve it, all that attention. The guy has to be imperfect, standoffish and definitely not needy. I like strong independent types that are only soft and heartbreakingly mushy in private with me. I stop moving and realize that maybe it's the spinning that's making me feel sick? I haven't eaten anything today and I ran six miles this morning. It's time for a break.

"And Cut!" I call out to the imaginary film crew on my music video and smack my hands together like a clapperboard. I bow to my imaginary audience and pretend to fan myself as I leave the stage, exit left. I'm catching my breath and getting a blueberry bagel out of the freezer when my phone rings in my bag across the room. Its two rings in when I start running for it knowing I only get four before the answering machine kicks in. I'll never make it. I grab for the phone and see Jess's name on caller ID as I press the green button feverishly.

"Hello? Hello?"

"Hey Marley girl! What's happening?"

"Hey Jess!"

"Listen I know you're busy but what about Thursday coffee, you in?"

My girlfriends and I try to get together every week or so to catch up. PIL knows that I grow weed but Jess thinks I'm still a nanny. I just talk about things I used to do with the kids back when I did nanny. In my mind I live about two years in the past, I've found it can be much easier than the present. And much better than completely lying where I could forget the story.

"Thursday?" I repeat back to Jess pretending to be looking at my calendar.

"Yes" she's impatiently expecting me to have said yes by now.

I turn the music down.

"It looks good..." I drag a chair across the hard floor and cover the mouthpiece a little and shout to no one behind me, "Jacob put your sister down. No don't throw her!" I add for effect panting like I'm running around after kids.

"Whoa! It sounds like you're really busy. Listen I really want to see you so Bean Around the World in West Van, say 10am? You'll be there?"

"Yup. It looks good Jess. I'll see you then."

I put the bagel in the toaster and turn the music back up.

It's been eight days. Travis hasn't called. Where the hell is he? Sleeping in some chick's bed that he only met yesterday no doubt. I shake my head and try to clear the shitty thoughts. He's just busy with life. Think about food Marley. Yummy food. What about a custard tart with just the right amount of nutmeg on top? Delicious! Or hot jam doughnuts. Mmmm! I can almost smell them. But it doesn't help. I'm weepy and hungry and tired too. I look at the clock. It's nearly noon. He's probably having one of his famous beer breakfasts with her, whoever she is? I imagine she's slutty, overdone and overexposed, with loads of make-up and fake hair. She's always bending over backwards for him. Never really challenging him because she's too dumb. She's nothing like me.

I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how long I've been standing there thinking about an imaginary chick? I'm embarrassed. I'm such a girl sometimes and I hate that part of me. The weak and needy me. The worrywart. I take my clothes off and look in the mirror again. I could use some work. I shake my head lifting my tits up pretending they stand high on my chest. Cupping a hand under each breast I suck in my paunch and turn sideways looking for the flattering shadow. Awe crap! It's futile. I drop my bits of flesh and stand round-shouldered. I'm past the point of effortless beauty. I'm too old to exude a youthful glow. Once a beautiful smile and now all I see are creases. It's wrong that when you're your most beautiful as a woman, you're also at your most stupid in your adult life!

Turning the hot water off I step into my bubble bath. My foot burns at first but soon adjusts to the heat. Lying back resting my head on the blow up pillow I close my eyes trying to remember Travis's face when we're fucking. I see sideburns and tight arm muscles and his snail trail going right up to his belly button. I concentrate on him kissing me. I like the way it feels on my neck. He's got lovely full lips but his teeth need some work.

I move the bubbles around through my fingers imagining him touching me. My arms on the surface get goose bumps and I drag them back under to warm them up. I see his face clearly. Hip jeans, a cool linen shirt untucked and unbuttoned to the breast bone, a lightweight jacket, casual dress shoes, bed head, clean shaven and just a touch of his own musky manly scent is when he's at his best. It's a look I like. It says 'I'm mature but not old' and it has a European influence, which I think that comes from him being an expatriate Scot and his desire to still be that person. He stands out amongst sneaker and bubble vest wearing British Columbians. And it's also in total contrast to Evan's skater look.

Travis is a good listener but then that may only be because he can't shut me up? Both of us offer interesting philosophies about life and we're obviously connected by our world experiences and intelligence. We both have the potential to be much more than we are but we've chosen the easier, lazier route. We're directionless. And tomorrow is a new adventure.

I breathe out for the first time in a week. It's day ten and he called. I'm on a natural high when I hang up and I play the conversation over in my head.

"Hello?"

"Hi it's Travis."

"Oh hi. How's it going?" I'd tried to sound bored.

"Yeah good. Sorry I took so long to get back to you. There's been a few hiccups in the garden and the guy that's funding things wanted a meeting. Anyway, it's all sorted now. What've you been up to?"

"Same. Tending garden. Making the most of the weather and hiking with Jasper."

"Right. Nice. Hiking. Jasper would be loving that."

Travis had paused and I'd resisted the urge to fill in the dead air. He'd stayed silent so long that I thought I'd burst. But I told myself to wait, he'd fill the silence, he'd called me after all.

"So I have to go to Victoria and get the paperwork for the dates I have to attend that are coming up."

"Dates?" I'd feigned forgetfulness.

"Hearings."

"Oh right."

He'd cleared up that he hadn't meant he was dating other women. Or if he was that wasn't what he was talking about then.

"So when will you be back?"

Ugh! I couldn't believe I'd asked. The words were out filling the gap before I could put my hand over my mouth. So much for being cool!

"A couple of days at the most. I have to head back out to Hope later in the week so I can't be gone long."

"Okay well call me when you're back eh, and we'll grab a beer."

"Yeah I will. Bye Marley.

"Yeah see ya."

He called and he used my name. He cares.

AUGUST

..."Happy Birthday dear PIL, Happy Birthday to you!"

Jess and I sing loudly, cheering and clapping as PIL blows out the candle. We bought PIL a big piece of carrot cake and put a single candle in it. It's very last minute and she can tell but doesn't seem to care. She loves the gift. We got her an iPod.

On the way into Bean around the World Jess saw some guy she fucked one night years ago and after all the laughing and flirting she did she's on a high. I can't remember the dude's name but I do remember that he was just as flaky as the rest of them.

"Can you believe the look he gave me?" she nudges me beaming.

"I didn't see it" I shake my head and look at her blankly.

I saw him sleazing up on her though and that was enough to know he remembered she puts out.

"Hey PIL are you still taking dance classes?" Jess asks.

"Uh-huh, always" PIL nods slowly looking at me sideways, with an expression that says 'where is she going with this?'

I raise my right eyebrow back at her.

"Well I was thinking of getting into dancing and thought you might know of a good place to train?"

PIL only trains professionals.

"Sure. I know a few different places. What kind of dance are you interested in?"

"Pole dancing" Jess says quickly and giggles.

The guy sitting by himself at the table next to us giggles too. We look over at him at the same time and he goes red and sinks back into his chair. Jess laughs at him loudly and he puts his nose back in the book he was reading.

"Are you serious?" PIL leans in close to Jess intrigued, "Pole dancing?"

"Uh-huh she is," I answer for her, "the woman needs to bump and grind her way into her man's heart. These are desperate times I tell you, and 'the dirty dance' is where it's at."

"What?" PIL is confused.

"It's the Britney Factor!" I add.

"Spears?"

She's catching on slowly but I still love her.

"Yep. The Britney Factor is the level a girl has to go to, to get the attention of men these days. The way I figure it, if I have to dress like a twelve year old porn star and dance like a stripper to get male attention then I'm going to make someone responsible and that's Britney!"

I'm bored by my own comments. I should think before I speak. Time to switch gears. It's a party after all.

"You have a point Marley, but I really don't want to see you dressing like a hooker Jess" PIL shakes her head.

"Too late!" I blurt.

As we laugh Jess playfully punches me on the arm and it's a little too hard. I don't flinch. I'm tougher than that. But God it hurts!

"So what's with that hot guy you just had 'sterile sex' with?" PIL looks from Jess to me and smiles.

Jess blushes. It's not every day you see her do that so I wonder what really happened when she walked in?

"I mean, Holy Heat! Everything was happening right in front of us without you guys even touching" PIL adds.

"What?" Jess plays coy, "He's just an old friend. He has a girlfriend! And I have James remember?"

"Uh huh" PIL and I say in unison.

"So a pole does sound cool. Maybe James would get me one for the living room?"

"Pole? James? PIL asked you about the young Italian lad we just saw you hot and bothered over you cheeky wench!" I add to our assault on Jess.

"If you must know..." she stalls.

We must know so we wait her out.

"If you must know he was looking to hook up but I told him I'm engaged now" she uses the opportunity to show us her ring again.

"Oh you bad, bad girl!" PIL shakes her head smiling.

"Yes Jess. You should be spanked!" I laugh.

"What? I'm telling the truth! And I should be spanked? You can't talk, Strap-on Queen!" Jess says to PIL a little louder than she hoped to.

"Please! You and your sex swing trump PIL's Strap-on!" I say to Jess under my breath and she laughs so hard tears fall down from her eyes, which makes us laugh even harder. The pretty blonde barista shoots us an annoyed look and we resolve to quiet down even though we are outside. I'm pretty sure this is the last time we'll be allowed to have coffee here.

We sit back in our chairs and sip our drinks. We've picked at PIL's carrot cake and all that's left is a spoonful of cream cheese icing. I leave it for PIL. It's her birthday. Jess leans forward and scoops it up without a second thought and it works it's way down her gullet right in front of me. Like a pelican swallowing a fish. Oh well!

"How's your boob?"

Jess has a leaky boob. I'm not exactly sure of the details but I know it's kind of like a cyst and it bursts and then she has an open sore.

"It's okay. Well it's not actually. I have to go back and see her. It still hasn't closed."

PIL looks concerned.

"Does it hurt?"

"Mmmm... it's more uncomfortable than it hurts. I can feel the open wound on my clothes."

"I'm guessing it hinders the lovemaking too?" I prod gently.

"Oh yeah. I don't want him to see it."

PIL is shocked.

"Do you mean he's not helping you with it?"

"I just said I don't want him to see it, didn't I?"

"But ..."

I know what PIL's trying to say and I try to help word it better.

"But?" Jess looks at me.

"Don't you want him to want to help you?"

"Yes but not with this. It's bad enough when he rubs his hand across my skin and says 'oooh I gave you goose bumps' when it's just my ugly 'big pore' chicken skin."

PIL and I nod in a way that conveys understanding without saying anything. Jess was trying to present her best self. It seemed strange that she didn't want the help of her man though. I thought they would be sharing everything. They're engaged for god's sake!

PIL and I being single, and PIL as recently as three months ago and not even at the 'Single and ready to Mingle' stage yet, we couldn't be as supportive of Jess's recent engagement to James as we knew we might be if in loving relationships. Not that we aren't happy for her we're so far removed from that life that it's hard to find the enthusiasm for it. And both of us are, if the truth were told, more than a little bitter at men in general. We feel let down by our past choices. And from everything we know, someone like James just seems like trouble.

Jess met him on the patio of Cardero's last summer and they'd been dating ever since. He'd sent her a shot to our table and when she got over the shock of it being for her and looked over at his table, he raised the same shot as hers and nodded in encouragement for her to join him and they did their shots together across a crowded room. That had never happened to Jess before and she thought it was incredibly romantic. But he was very drunk when we met him and to me it seemed more like he just wanted to take her home for the night.

James is a financial consultant for a large firm in Vancouver and makes good money. In the three or four times I'd been social with them in the last year, I found him to be a little too arrogant and self-involved. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt though because I figured he had possibly learned to be that way for his job or it may just be a little bit of front, considering my history with Jess, and the fact that he could feel threatened by the longevity of our friendship. In the back of my mind though, first impressions were the guy was a jerk.

"So how're the plans for Jesse James coming then?" I smile at her.

Jess gives me the single raised eyebrow and silence response, indicating that she's not amused. PIL and I refer to Jess and her boyfriend as Jesse James. It's too hard to say Jess and James, and even better, it annoys Jess, like a playful pinch. I find pleasure in being the pea in the mattress of my friend's lives.

"It's good. We're having the engagement party at home to save money for the honeymoon but there are soooooooo many choices..." and she digs into her briefcase and pulls out a half dozen magazines.

"So, help!"

I roll my eyes at PIL who smiles enthusiastically as Jess hands out the magazines.

"A party! I love parties!" PIL says.

I'm not good at planning and I don't like parties.

"I went to one party where all the food was Japanese and they had sushi laid out on samurai swords?" I offer nodding.

"That sounds cool... " Jess's voice trails away, her face in a magazine.

I could tell she didn't want that.

"It was just an idea" I shrug.

"No it's a cool idea. It's just that James won't eat sushi."

Of course not! Man of little culture.

"Okay so why don't we start with what kind of food you guys want?"

"Mmmm..." she's still preoccupied looking at pages of decoration ideas, "Yes. What type of food?"

"You know, finger food, a buffet, hot or cold dishes that kind of stuff?" I suggest.

She snaps the magazine shut.

"I've got it. Marley can you be responsible for the food and we'll work together on the menu. I'll ask James what he wants and that leaves the decorations to you PIL. I want white. White everything."

I look at Jess nodding, wondering what just happened? Don't we get to offer our help if and where we can?

"Oh and I'll get the DJ of course! And the booze but that goes without saying" she laughs.

Pffft! She'll get the DJ! No fair. I wanna switch. I don't want to deal with the food. I hate to cook. I haven't cooked in nearly two years and I've never cooked Jess a meal in all our years of friendship. But I don't say anything because Jess is already tense about how things will go. I look at PIL who looks as stunned as I am and I raise my eyebrows eyes wide and then I cross my eyes. She smiles, raises her shoulders and drops them heavily. She doesn't know what just happened either but I sense she's slightly happier with her outcome.

"Sit down Jasper!" Travis is saying to the dog and pushing his bum down when I get back from the bathroom.

"Are you being cheeky buddy?"

I rub his muzzle as I take my place back at the table and look at the two women who are standing beside Travis. They're both in denim. It's almost two much denim for the eye as they stand side by side, and the little one has a bad haircut that reminds me of the chick in the band Roxette. Martina is the taller one talking with Travis. I know because I overhear him say her name and then they all laugh loudly. I smile. I'm not really listening but I'm curious about them? I had thought they might be lesbians? But I can tell by the way Martina looks at me that she's fucked him. There's a certain way the woman who came before you, looks at you, the new fuck. It's a mixture of superiority at having been there first and jealousy at you being the new thing and her feeling discarded. Additionally there's the typical and obvious size-up and the inevitable 'what could he see in her?' competitive attitude. And while she may be standing as I sit, Martina knows I'm the woman in control at this party.

I look around me as if I'm bored and waiting for them to leave, which I am. I adjust my short white skirt garner some male attention as I do and I sit back flicking my blonde hair back. The double denim dykes finally get the hint that Travis is not inviting them to sit and I wait until they're in the far distance before I push him about our situation. I noticed some major tension between him and Martina and I'm looking to stake my claim.

"Have you seen anyone since you started seeing me?"

He pulls his head back and shakes it screwing up his nose.

"You're crazy!"

"Just answer the question please," I say softly smiling.

"But why? Come on Marley, you should know better than to ask me these kinds of questions."

Travis is not sure whether to answer me or not. He feels a set up and is rebuffing the conversation.

"Have you seen anyone else since you started seeing me?" I ask again with a half smile.

We stare at each other and he gives me a half smile and licks his lips as he leans in for a sip of his beer. The silence between us goes on forever. Finally he breaks.

"No."

He shakes his head. He's looking into his beer.

I don't believe him but I have an agenda so I want to believe him.

"Okay. Well the way I see it is that you can't afford to get to your outdoor show to even finish it. So I'll help you do it!" I say confidently and reach for my beer.

"Whoa!" he says louder than normal and gets to his feet, walking off toward the bathroom with just a hint of being unsteady on his feet.

I sit back in my chair and smile. There's no way he'll say no. I'm offering to reduce expenditure, which in turn will increase the summer alcoholic beverage fund. It's a no-brainer, even with his supposed amazing IQ.

"Ha! Ha! Ha!" I laugh out loud and rub my hands together.

I'm having a Puppet Master moment. I wonder what Travis is thinking as he stands at the urinal? He'd already taken me out to the woods so he'd know that it wasn't that I needed to see it. He'd be thinking about what was in it for me? And his ego would more than likely lead him to believe that just being around him would be a big part of it. Truth was, it was the involvement for me. There are rules in this industry. 'No chicks in the woods!' Women lose their minds! Women create a greater risk element to an already risky game. And men, well, they just seem to piss women off. Lies and secrecy are commonplace and the less those close to you know, the better.

But I've always been the kind of girl who wanted to be seen as equal to a guy. I was a tomboy. I biked, ran and played hard with the best of them and it was mostly because the kids in the street were all guys. I'm competitive and I always go against the norm. Keeping myself from being bored and painting more into my already colourful life. Having the experience. Only lately I feel like I'm stuck on the hamster wheel. If I do Travis a 'favour' by saving him some money, he'll give me the opportunity to work on a large scale outdoor grow with him. I want to be the chick in the woods.

A couple of guys on the end of the table next to ours pat Jasper and he jumps to his feet tail wagging furiously straining on the leash for attention.

"Sorry about that. He loves the love."

The cute guy leans in closer to me and smiles broadly.

"I'd love that kind of love."

I blush. I do look good today. My pink 'Love me Love my Dog' emblazoned t-shirt is tight and my three-quarter chinos are made from stretch material so they're tight too. I'm in black wedges and sunglasses and everything just feels sexy. I stand out at The Cambie .

Travis saunters back to the table, in the oh-so-cool way he walks and smiles to himself as he sits down. My flirty guy looks at him, smiles at me and slowly turns back the other guys at his table. If I'd been with Jess or PIL I would have followed cute guy all the way to the bedroom.

I drink some of my beer and pat Jasper while Travis sends a text message. He puts the phone in his pocket quickly and grabs his beer. I notice he's run some water through his hair. He's so vain and yet protests like crazy if accused of being so. The sun is tucking in behind the buildings and I chug what's left of my beer.

"I better get this big guy home. He's hungry and it's nearly his bedtime."

Travis nods looking past me inside the bar searching for someone else to drink with.

"What'd ya think of my proposal then?"

I see his lips move and it's quietly spoken but I can still hear it.

"Okay."

I smile all the way home.

I was surprised at the number of plants Travis had in one section. I'd recently worked for a billionaire and he'd had the need for police assistance. Three police officers turned up in a helicopter and while the boss talked to the investigators I chatted with the pilot.

"Looks like you've got a fun job?"

"Yeah it's certainly interesting" nodded the guy old enough to be my dad.

Ever curious, I saw it as an invitation to talk on.

"So what do you do most of the time? Just fly other officers back and forth around the province?"

"No. Depends on the time of year really. May to October we mostly do site spotting of outdoor marijuana crops."

"Really?"

"Yes" he'd nodded, "We report the crop. And the ground crews harvest and remove."

"There's that much outdoor growing?"

"Yep. We're busy May right thru to October."

"You use infrared then?"

"No it's costly. It's rarely used for drug detection. We eye spot the plots."

"Wow. Seriously? Just your eyes? How many plants can you see from the air?" I'd tried to make the last question sound casual.

"Approximately twenty to twenty-five, at a guess?"

This is while he's flying the helicopter. Travis plots each have a minimum of 150 plants grouped closely together and there are three plots. The plants are reasonably well covered by other brush but they're in big clusters along a creek and I think detection would be inevitable should the police chopper ever take that route.

Travis and I drive beyond our destination making sure there's no one around. It's been a week since anyone's been out here. We backtrack down a logging road and park the car along a secluded dirt track. It's a different spot to the last time but it takes about the same amount of time to hike in.

I'm surprised at the situation. Things don't look good. Half of the plants are an indoor strain bought outside and they haven't flipped yet. It's the second week in August and they still need sufficient light for at least six weeks to fully flower. The natural light is heading towards less than ten hours a day but that's the least of Travis' problems. Something's destroying the plants. One spot is so bad I call it 'The Graveyard.' All that remains are large green garbage bags filled with dirt and just the stalks of what used to be five-foot plants, sticking out. It's sad because I could see all of the work that had already gone into them.

"It looks like deer or even cows are having a feed?" I suggest.

"Yep. The creek's their watering hole."

"You think the farmer is moving his cows this way and that's why you're only seeing it now?"

"Maybe?"

We'd walked through huge muddy hoof prints on our bush bash in so we knew that cows had been around but I'm not seeing the type of destruction that cows can do. It seems like light-footed work. The plants aren't knocked over or trashed. They're simply being eaten and as they're quite pungent now that they're flowering the animals are likely being drawn by the smell of them. I sit down on a fallen log and I roll a joint watching Travis shake his head at the lost dollars before us.

"Bow your head."

I look up and he kneels down beside me with his head down. I put my head down but finish rolling the joint too.

"Dear Pot God, Please watch over my crops and protect the vegetation created by your own hand. May the next crop not have suffered the same fate as this one? Better news required. Amen."

He looks at me and gives one nod.

"You're religious?"

"When needed" he stands up and brushes the dirt off his knees.

I spark the joint, take a couple of tokes and hand it up to him. I want to laugh at his dramatic little moment but I'm not sure he's kidding? Religion is some serious shit. I've seen people become entirely different people if their beliefs are ridiculed. I look around me carefully. I don't want to be buried out here.

"Hmmm... that's good" Travis breathes deeply, exhales smoke and sighs.

I wave my hand when he offers the joint back to me.

"You keep it. And hey, Good luck! I'm sure it'll be better than here."

"Cheers eh! You've got your radio. Call me if you've got any problems otherwise I'll see you at the finish line."

Travis wanders off to tend to his other plot and I stretch my muscles. Jasper sees that as an invitation for a back scratch and nudges up against me. I oblige him.

"It's going to be short buddy. I'm working today."

I finish scratching Jasper's back and fur flies in all directions as the wind catches it. The fur will deter other animals from the area. Not cougar or bear though and I carefully scan the land for movement. Nothing. The sun is high in the sky and the warm wind whips around my legs. Using four gallon buckets I fill from the creek, I work from the top of the hill downwards. The plants are bunched along each side of the creek four or five deep and it takes me three hours to water nearly all the plants in my section. Jasper plays around me with his sticks or wanders into the creek when I do, splashing needlessly. It's wet messy work but the fresh air and Jaspers delight in the outdoors make it a pleasant way to spend the afternoon. Besides I now have the photos, know the location and I am the chick in the woods. The fact that I've replaced two guys helps boost my ego too.

Light planes fly overhead constantly. It's Saturday and sightseeing in the area is becoming a booming business. I look at the tiny planes in the sky and wonder how tiny I would appear to them? What can they see from their windows? Are my sunglasses shining my location to them? I look down at my pink shorts and make a mental note: must wear neutral colours when gardening outdoors, and get a camouflage dog coat.

My feet are soaking wet as I step in and out of the creek but the cool water feels nice because I've worked up a sweat. I swat at a fly that's taking advantage of the lull in the wind and trying to land on my face. It's late in the afternoon and I'm nearly done. There're only five plants left when I hear the blades of a helicopter, chopping into the peaceful silence of the land. It's coming from my left and sounds like it's getting close quickly. The hairs stand up on the back of my neck and I snap out of my drug haze throwing the bucket into the trees. My neck jerks as I look all around me. Thump, thump, thump. Fuck! The blades are close. Where is it? I run wildly towards a heavily wooded area.

"Jasper, Jasper!" I yell in a panic.

My heart's pounding, I'm breathing heavily and I don't have a clue where the chopper is? I still can't see it. Jasper leaps along beside me. My feet are sore in my wet shoes and I'm freaking out. My mind is in full flight. I'm scanning from left to right. What will I do if men come running through the woods towards me? Running would be pointless. Although Travis told me running is what he'll be doing. How far did he think he could get?

"Good boy buddy, good dog!" I splutter patting the side of my leg.

We stop about thirty feet into the woods behind a big tree and I bend over to catch my breath. I bend quickly and vomit comes up into my throat making my eyes water and I cough frantically. I'm wiping snot from my face with the back of my hand when I catch sight of the chopper through the trees. It's further away than I thought and I relax my shoulders as it slowly becomes more distant. I'm sweating profusely and my legs feel like jelly. My hand is shaking as I pull the last joint out of my pocket. The end is wet.

"Shit!"

I rip the wet part off and light it. I don't have time to let it dry out. I inhale until I can inhale no more and hold the smoke in my lungs as long as I can. When I exhale my shoulders slump forward and I pat the dog while he sits beside me resting and getting high. We wait in the woods until the sun is low down on the mountains and I speed walk the dirt road out to the car. My head is twitching as I'm scanning left and right for anyone who could be around. And at this time of day I'm also looking for bears.

I head to the river for a quick dip and Jasper needs no encouragement bolting ahead of me. I'm filthy and I just want to get the sweat off. The water is cold and the river is shaded because the sun is nearly down. By the time I get out I'm freezing. My headlights are on high beam and sitting high on my chest as I change into clean shorts and a t-shirt. Travis saunters up not long after I get my clothes on and grabs a beer from the creek where he has them stashed.

"You must have heard the chopper?" I grin.

"I nearly shit myself!" Travis shakes his head, "I ran into the trees and watched it go over."

"You? You nearly shit? I had to put my fucking heart back in its cage after it got lodged in my throat. As far as I could tell the chopper blades were only inches from my head."

I hold my hand above my head and Travis nods chugging half of his beer.

"And!" I add making sure he's listening, "I was sweating so much when we got back I had to take a dip in the river at the end of the trail down there. With all that adrenalin and the cold swim I feel like I've run a marathon."

I point off in the distance where I got in the river. His eyes follow my finger.

"Oh yeah, a swim sounds good. Maybe I'll take Jasper down with me?"

He finishes his beer in one long swig, drops the bottle on the ground, nods at me and runs off down the track, a big furry tail falling in behind him.

"Cool" I say to myself wishing we were leaving the area immediately.

I'm tired and we still have two hours drive back. Sitting in the car waiting for Travis and Jasper to return I contemplate whether to try and dry off Jasper's coat this late in the day or leave it? He'll have that wet dog smell even if I dry him. Jasper is completely soaked when he gets back. Travis must have thrown the stick into the deepest part of the river. Travis dries himself with his dirty clothes and puts on a new shirt and pants. I start the car hoping to push him along and he jumps in throwing his bag over the back seat.

"Can you put it on the floor? There's barely enough room for the big dog as it is and all of your stuff will get the wet dog smell."

The logging road spits out clouds of dust behind us and we share a joint as I gun it for home on dusk. Jasper sits bolt upright as he sees a mommy deer with baby in tow crossing in front of us and only minutes later we see a very impressive lynx on the side of the road. I put my arm up across the passenger seat to block Jasper in case he decides to leap through the windscreen to get at it. He growls watching intently and I slow as I get closer but the car scares the animal back into the woods.

"Did you see that?" my eyes are wide.

"Yeah. Beautiful!"

Travis doesn't seem as impressed as I am. Maybe it was our different levels of joy and enthusiasm for life? The windows are down and the Subaru is warm inside. Jasper's still damp because the towel I dried him with was soaked in no time. He settles into the drive and is curled up on the backseat after a long and exciting day. Travis adjusts his seat into the layback position and stretches out beside me.

"I was thinking about your demolition problem and I'm convinced it's live animals, not pine beetle or some other bug or pest. So what about putting up a fence around the plants and the creek using fishing line? I mean we could buy extra strength line and wrap it around all the trees that cover the perimeter of the plot. Top, Middle and Bottom."

Travis nods listening as I point in the air how the fishing line would go.

"Yeah, we could do that. I tried Cougar Piss and that didn't stop 'em!"

I ignore him because I'd heard his defeatist attitude before.

"Worse case scenario we'll learn where the animals are getting to the water or plants and make a deterrent there."

He smiles and turns to look at me.

"I know a couple of 2x4's with nails in them pointy side up will be the best deterrent."

"Ouch! Oh hell no! That's not cool."

I cringe and slap his arm. He puts his arms up as if to have to fend off my attack.

"I'm kidding. Of course I was joking. I'm sure you'll come up with a solution. And we'll just call mine Plan B for now!" he laughs.

"You really are mean!" I'm annoyed.

"What?"

"It's more than likely that the culprits are cows. Poor stupid farm animals! And I really don't think you want the farmer trying to find out who stabbed his cow in the foot on purpose. Do you?"

"I was joking. Come on," he shrugs at me pausing " We'll try fishing line. Electric fencing would be better though!"

"Are you off your nut? I'm here to save you money and now you're going to invest in electric fencing?" I smile, "Do you have any idea what that will mean to your beer fund?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, funny stuff. Speaking of which, let's get a six pack in town on the way home."

"Just for something different eh?" I grin cheekily at him and turn up the radio.

I'm hungry. We pick up beers and I pull up at the McDonald drive thru. It must be all the physical labour that makes my body feel the need for food because I order an apple pie too. I have to drive because Travis lost his license. He got a DUI one night after the bar, six months license suspension and a nominal fine. Yet again they violated his Charter Rights but this time he fought the prosecutor on the issue. He drove after drinking, cops pulled over behind his van as he was out peeing and after he took a long time, they questioned him and requested a breath test. He was over and that's why he is being punished. Still according to him 'It's just not right. It's entrapment. He was just having a pee.' I hear nothing but the rants of a man with regrets. Someone who feels they're always above the law.

Our drive is quiet after we eat and Travis knocks back three beers in quick succession as I sip away on one. I drift off in thought. I have to. The music sucks because Travis broke the cassette player on the way up, although he denies it completely. Apparently it was broken before he touched it but I just didn't know? We both listen to the weather report as we pass through Chilliwack.

"I think we should plan our next trip out to Hope be in a week," Travis suggests.

"Good with me."

I have plenty to do in my own garden and the weather isn't so warm right now that the plants would be bone dry in a week. We cruise past the Burnaby exit and we're almost in Vancouver. It's after 10pm and I don't know where Travis wants to go but the Hastings Street exit is fast approaching if he wants to hit The Cambie. I smell Jasper's wet coat as he stretches out stirring on the backseat.

"Hey! Where do you wanna go? I can drop you off or you're welcome to come back to my place? You awake?" I nudge his arm seeing his eyes are closed.

He opens them and looks at me.

"What Squamish? How will I get back into town?"

"I'll drop you back tomorrow afternoon if you like?" my voice is monotone.

I don't really care what he does. I'm just so tired I want to get home. He knows I have beer in the fridge. He stares out the window at nothing in particular.

"We should grab a DVD at Blockbuster."

I take it that means he wants to come home with me.

"Okay well Evan is living in the suite below me so we will just be quiet. I don't want to start anything."

"What?" he sits up "Nah I don't want any drama. It's probably better if you drop me in town."

I was already past the turn off and I had it in my head that he was coming back to lie down with me. I wish I'd never said anything.

"It's fine. I know I wouldn't like it if I could hear him having fun with someone else, if you know what I mean? We will be considerate."

He looks at me out of the corner of his eyes and I look at him.

"Eyes on the road Marley!"

"We should stop for a movie then" I smile looking forward.

Travis is quiet the rest of the drive home. I pull into the driveway and let Jasper out first. Walking to the house I notice Travis waits until I open the front door before he gets out of the car. I think his idea is to scurry into the house in the cover of darkness without two noticeable car door noises?

We lie in bed and watch Michael Moore's latest documentary. It's about guns and school kids, two words that should never be in the same sentence. But it's mostly about gun culture in the US. Not exactly a romantic choice Travis. It's called Bowling for Columbine, which is so distracting because all I can think of is tenpin bowling and the comedy movie with Bill Murray and the Amish. Which would have been much better choice after a long days work!

"When I was growing up we had a candy in Australia called a Columbine."

"Uh huh."

"What kid of a dumbass person needs a gun?" I ask him.

"Let's just watch it. We can talk about it later" he's getting frustrated.

I lie down and snuggle into his side but he stays sitting up beside me. I'm bored with the movie and at having to stay quiet. I like to interact. I may as well just be watching the stupid movie on my own. I want to snuggle but he's not into it so I get up to go to the bathroom and when I come back Travis is lying down. He grabs me as I lie down next to him and we kiss. He must be out of beer!

"We better make it a quickie. Can't have you screaming and waking the neighbours now can we?" he smiles.

"Mmmm... you're right."

I'm very aware of Evan living so close. I'd hate to hear him having sex with some other chick. And I know he's not the type to see reason... like, umm the fact that we've broken up! But having lived in shared accommodation for many years I consider myself a Master at the art of having quiet sex. This was to be no challenge.

Climbing up on Travis I lean over and turn the lamp off. The TV is our only light and I've long ago stopped watching the movie but Travis is still showing some interest. The light is at my back so I know my breasts are hanging in the shadows. I arch my back and try to make moves that will make my body look thinner when it's backlit. I imagine riding a mechanical bull and grab a handful of my hair and hold it high on my head. With my free hand I rub my fingers through Travis's chest hair and he moves my hips slower than I want to go grinding my clit against his groin. The sex is a bit rough and I can feel I'm getting bruised. It's the fine line between 'I like this' and 'watch out that move can cause the involuntary reaction where my hand smashes against the side of your head.'

My lips are dry and I swallow repeatedly trying to find moisture in my mouth as Travis pulls me in for another kiss. My wet hair is stuck to the side of my face and I clumsily try to sweep it back as Travis kisses my neck and nipples. His facial hair scrapes my nipple and the more he does it the more irritated I get by it. Stop! Stop! Stop! I'm not lost in the moment. I'm ridiculously aware of every bit of the sex right down to every noise and the rough hairs constantly scraping my tit. I pull his lips to mine. We kiss and he lifts me off him. His cock slides out easily because he's rock hard and we're well lubed. Moving me around behind the bed and bending me over, pushing one knee up on the bed, he slides into me again. The first thrust touches the inside of my abdomen and I imagine his cock pushing out right through my belly button, Alien style.

In this position we begin to make slapping sounds. Unmistakable slapping sounds and I hear Evan's truck start up. I tense up and Travis stops. I'm listening. Wondering? Did Evan hear? Was he going out anyway, or is he going out because he's angry I'm having sex with another guy?

"We should stop" Travis stands more upright, his cock slipping out of me slowly.

I pause.

"No. He's going out. Let's finish" I wave my hand so as to tell him not to worry.

Fuck Evan! I'm not going to stop living my life because he couldn't give me the life I wanted. Travis hesitates a second longer but as we hear the truck pull away he quickly rocks us back into stride. I'm suddenly very tired. And I do feel weird about Evan going out at the same time we started fucking. I really just want to go to sleep. I make more noise, breathing heavier and moving faster, hoping I'm conveying lust and not the need for it to be over.

"Fuck me. Come on. Fuck me Travis!"

Hurry up guy. I can barely hold my own weight my arms are so heavy from the day's work. There's no sign of an orgasm in sight for me so lets get this pounding over with Travis.

"I'm gonna cum. Are you close?" he whispers at me huffing and puffing, sweat flicking off his brow.

"No. I don't think it's going to happen tonight. Just cum."

In my head I'm hearing myself begging him to hurry up, out loud I'm trying to sound like I've never wanted anything more. Travis balls are slapping hard against my clit.

"Oh yeah. That's soooo good."

I whisper it thinking Evan might have only gone to get something from the servo. He could be back by now and I might not have heard his truck. Travis speeds up and we almost fall out of rhythm before he gives one final big thrust and groan. And slows to a stop. He stands behind me breathing heavily. I'm still holding myself up with my arms as he falls clumsily on my back. His sweat is all over me. I fall onto my face on the bed as his cock shrinks away from me and I roll over rolling him off. He turns on his side with his back to me and before I find the remote to turn the movie off, he's quietly snoring.

"Where did you go again?" Jess cocks her head to the side slightly.

"We went out to a cabin towards Hope. I couldn't tell you exactly where but it was nice."

"The cabin was nice?" she's skeptical as she's loathe to understand anything but five star accommodations.

"Yeah the cabin was nice. Rustic. You know?"

Jess is shaking her head at me.

"No. Rustic AND nice?"

"Uh huh" I nod, "The whole experience was nice. We sat under the stars watching Aurora Borealis by the open fire!" I add hoping to forget the negativity she's throwing up.

"Ooh, now that part sounds good. It probably would've been even better if you were in a Spa or in a Hot Spring? I wish James would take me away" Jess draws the conversation away from me and I stare at her blankly, annoyed but calm.

It works.

"Sorry, go on. What else did you do?"

"Well the next day we walked along the river bed with Jasper, hoping from rock to rock. It was a beautiful sunny day. And it's so quiet out there! Peaceful."

"Didn't you say you had a photo?" PIL asks looking past me for my bag.

I was wishing I hadn't said anything and sensing my hesitation Jess pounces.

"Show us! Show us!" Jess gets louder as she holds out her hands.

"Buggar..." I mutter under my breath as I reach into my bag to get the photo.

"I told you it was more arty than flattering, remember? I took it while I was driving."

"Just show us. Don't be such a boob!" Jess grabs the photo out of my hand.

She and PIL study it and then nod their approval and smile. That's what we girls do. It's called silent support. I knew what it meant.

"Well, he has a very nice Adam's apple..." PIL giggles.

"Sleeping Beauty" Jess nudges me.

"How did he feel about you taking the photo while he slept?" PIL adds quietly as if I've committed a crime.

"Umm... he doesn't know."

They look at each other and I stumble not having anticipated the question.

"I like, you know, I captured proof. Proof of a moment of his own vulnerability that he didn't think existed. It'll frighten him!"

I smile at PIL, shrugging.

"When he eventually finds out Marley. Oh my god, you're evil!" PIL laughs.

"Creepy is what it is!" Jess pretends to shiver.

She hands me back the photo and checks her phone.

"When did you meet him and why haven't we heard anything about him before?" PIL nudges Jess.

"Yes why all the mystery Marley? It's not like you. Do tell?" Jess nudges her back putting the phone down in her lap.

They both lean in towards me again.

"There's no mystery" I downplay my reluctance to talk about him.

They look at each other and frown. It's all very theatrical and I have to put a stop to it.

"He's an old friend of a friend that I met on a train, blahdy, blah, it's a long and boring story and I ran into him again recently and now we're doing it. Like I said, no mystery."

"Hmmm... not like you. Can't quite put my finger on it? Has he got a little dink?" Jess holds up her pinky finger and wriggles it at me turning up her nose.

"No. He's just fine thanks. He's no horse mind you but he's no nub either! What about James? I never did ask but now that we're talking..."

"Oh he's a thoroughbred! He's sleek 'n' stylish, he maneuvers his way around my track and..." she pauses, "he's always the 'odds on favourite' to get to the job done. Boom Boom!"

PIL laughs and I smile and wink at Jess.

"Nice!"

I doubt James is all that good in bed. He seems too selfish. But I smile warmly at Jess allowing her to entertain her fantasy.

"So I'm going to play the harp" PIL sits up straight as she announces it.

"What?" Jess cocks her head to the side. It's her most annoying habit. Happens every time she asks 'what?'

PIL is serious and that's scary because she's well known for trying anything. The fiasco that was the Medieval Renaissance Club comes to mind. She still has issues from bruised ribs acquired in 'battle.' Not that the Harp could cause that kind of injury. Well I don't think it could?

"The harp. Where did the harp come from?" I venture.

"I'm not sure? Holland maybe? But I am guessing..." PIL smiles at me.

I laugh.

"No I mean, where does your interest in playing the harp stem from?"

"I've always had an interest."

PIL sits back in her chair as if this answer will satisfy me.

"Really? Okay but why now?"

"Oh I don't know. I just have an opportunity to take some lessons."

Jess puts her phone down quickly and listens intently.

"Opportunity? So you know someone then?" I prod.

PIL smiles.

"There's this guy in my yoga class and he plays in the Vancouver Symphony and anyway, we got to talking and he offered to give me some lessons."

Jess and I look at each other and then back to PIL.

"Uh-huh" we sing in unison.

PIL feigns innocence.

"What?"

Her cheeks flush red.

"You do know that this yoga man is hitting on you?"

"Yes Jess. I do know that he is interested in spending some time with me. I'm not sure about it all, so we agreed to get to know each other through some lessons."

"Hmmm..."

I give her my 'I wonder if that's a good idea?' murmur. I can't help myself and instantly she looks pissed off.

"What Marley? What is it?"

"So you're starting things in agreement that he is the teacher and you are the student? He is therefore the Master! That's a very interesting arrangement."

PIL is shocked.

"It's not like that. I just want to take it slow. The guy could be a total loser and in this vulnerable state I could end up with a dud boyfriend I can't get rid of" she looks embarrassed.

I feel bad. She's right. She should check the guy out casually first. And she's even more right to tell us.

"Sorry PIL. You're right to be checking the dude out. Just because he's nice, has a career and takes care of himself doesn't mean he's a sane individual."

Talk of questionable sanity makes me think of Travis and I discreetly tuck his photo back into my bag. The girls are clearly unsure of my newest interest and I'm pretty sure he'll never fit in with them. Jess throws her hand in the air as if she's a preacher.

"I've been out with crazy and believe me, you don't want to do that!"

PIL nods.

"That's why I like this situation. I get to know the person first through some lessons and who knows?"

"That's right. You could become a Concert Harpist! Do you like him then?" I'm trying harder to be supportive as Jess goes back to looking at her phone.

"Well he's kind of bendy and stretchy and he's nice to talk to. We'll see?"

"PIL I hope the lessons go well. And I love a flexible guy!" I wink, "It's good to hear you're back meeting people."

I hug her.

"It's hard to trust anyone, you know? It's all well and good for people to say 'meet people on the internet' but my cousin knows a girl that he used to DJ with in Toronto who went out on a blind date, with a guy suggested to her by her friends mind you, and she never came home."

"What?" Jess looks up from her phone again.

What can be so important at this time of the morning that she needs to be on her phone anyway?

"A meth-addled drug binge, no sleep and 'I was out of my mind' were the excuses he gave" PIL shrugs.

"What?" Jess is confused.

"I'm serious. The guy got a minimum of eighteen years in jail."

'He killed her?" I ask.

"Uh huh" PIL nods.

"How did she die?" I'm not sure I want to know but ask anyway.

"My cousin said her body was rotated around so far her torso snapped."

"Oh my god! That's terrible!" Jess gasps.

We're quiet thinking about the idea of meeting someone and ending up in a really bad situation on a blind date.

"Who does that? That's fucked up!" Jess screws up her nose.

"There are crazy people everywhere. Predators!" I shake my head thinking about someone physically assaulting me, holding me against my will.

"And..." PIL pauses, "it should've been more than eighteen years!"

"Yep. It should have."

I sit back in my chair. Anyone can snap. No matter how nice they are. We are all capable of good and evil. We are all capable of malice or brain malfunction. Trust is very hard to come by and only getting worse. People are becoming more self-centered and angry. The material world provides very little happiness and yet marketing tells us it does so we still strive towards objects for fulfillment rather than making spiritual connections. Mental health is declining as more people seek to escape the pressures of society through self-medication. Keeping a distance between you and the reality of your problems is the preferred way of existence for many, and then blaming your drug problem when you make choices that will send you to prison is too common too.

My phone is ringing. I hate my ring tone. It makes me grumpy before I even answer but it was the best of bad bunch to choose from. I run from room to room trying to find where it's ringing and snatch it off the kitchen counter catching it on the last ring before voicemail kicks in. I hear the sounds of people partying. I'm panting but happy to have caught the call.

"Hello?"

"Hi."

I talk louder because there's noise in the background.

"Hey, what's up?"

"We heading out to Hope tomorrow?"

Travis is drunk and I don't like the way I don't know if it's a question? He hasn't even bothered to give me any notice. Last time we were out there he'd said something about Thursday but that was still two days away.

"Yeah. I guess so. What time?" I choose not to be difficult.

"Uh..." I listen to him take a swig of beer, "let's see... does eight work?"

"Eight? In the morning? Seriously?" I laugh.

The line is quiet for a minute and I'm not sure if he heard me or if I pissed him off?

"Yeah. I've got a fair bit to do out there and I'm not going out tonight."

I don't believe him but I can't call him on it. He's drunk. It would be pointless and set us on a bad path before the day had even begun.

"Sure. Eight downtown then! I'll call ya in the morning before I leave home."

"Yeah yeah that's a good idea. I'll talk to you then Marley."

"Okay bye."

"Bye Marley."

I hang up shaking my head. Travis must really need me. He's using my name. Lots. I already know eight o'clock is going to be too early for him and realistically it means ten thirty or eleven o'clock and plenty of waiting around for me. He says he's not going out but then he always says that and it sounded like he was already in some bar? He wouldn't be in bed before 1am.

Some days I wish I would just say no. I was starting to hate the drive out to Hope and it was going to be a long day for me tomorrow. Longer gaps between visits to the garden suited me better. Travis had been using me having to drive as an opportunity to catch up on sleep while I was taking a lot of responsibility and risk for something that served me no purpose. And he wasn't showing me the attention I needed from him to feel relaxed and happy in his presence.

I pour an oversized glass of white wine and defrost a piece of fish. I prepare a green salad with sun-dried tomatoes and toasted pine nuts and put it in the fridge, while I run a bath. I have no aromatherapy sachets left so I use Epsom salts. Jasper lies by the fireplace and I hear Evan getting home downstairs. I haven't seen him in weeks and have no desire to now so I jump in the bath quickly and stay very quiet so that he can't be sure I'm in the house. I flick through the pages of my latest crime novel struggling to concentrate. The wine warms me up in the already hot bath and I have to sit up to breathe. I hug my knees, steam coming from every pore.

I wish I had someone to talk to. I'm quiet for such long periods of time right now I'm actually noticing it happening. I'm having too many imaginary conversations and that has me worried my imaginary life will supersede reality but I wont notice THAT happening, and I'll become crazy because there'll be no one to keep me in check.

I take a big gulp of wine and put my book up on the ledge of the bath beside me stretching my legs out until my toes crack, and closing my eyes. I breathe out slowly and quietly until I have no breath left. I inhale and feel sweat running down the side of my face. It tickles under my chin.

PIL knows I grow dope everyone else thinks I'm a Nanny. Even so, I'm still careful as to what I say around her. Anything drug related was a risky game and people not in the scene could be flippant with information, particularly because they didn't live with the risks. I didn't want PIL to know that Travis was a part of that scene because I knew she would instantly hate him and she'd want me to stop seeing him. PIL would never be cool with me having an enabler for a lover.

"What the hell am I doing?" I ask no one.

Silence. There's no answer. I don't know the answer but I know I wish I were anywhere but here.

I miss Thursday Coffee and feel guilty about not being there. I'm just not in the mood. PIL will be annoyed that I didn't tell her that I was bailing because she'll have to deal with Jess on her own and I imagine a lot of dead air while Jess checks her phone. I don't like to be the one who's absent because that person ends up being talked about the most and the girls will talk about Travis for sure. He's too new and they know too little about him not to. I try to remember anything I'd told Jess or PIL about my life lately and what might come back to haunt me? I wonder if I'm getting more paranoid? I'm paranoid about having paranoia.

My own garden has been suffering with all of the time I'm spending at the outdoor set-up. It's a 'chemical' watering tonight so any extra time is helpful. The grow lights are off during the day but using a flashlight I can get everything ready. I can move the plants around and be able to reach those in the back more easily, as soon as the lights come on at 5pm.

I'm heading downstairs when I look over at Jasper who silently begs me with his big sad eyes. He wants a run and as I'm just pottering around the house he can't see why he can't get it? I flop down onto the carpet beside him.

"What's up buddy?"

He stretches his front paws out to me digging his nails into the carpet and groans.

"You wanna go for a walk don't you?"

The mere mention of the word walk makes him lick my face excitedly and I roll over onto my back laughing which only makes him lick me even more and he lies down across my chest. I can barely breathe he's so heavy.

"Okay Jas, we'll go."

He jumps up and runs for the front door. I get to my feet, pull a cardigan around my shoulders and grab my sunglasses. By the time I get to the front door Jasper is jumping around me like an excited kid about to go to a carnival. With all the smells though for him it had to be more like a food lover going to the buffet. He bolts across the road towards the dike and I hobble along behind him.

I'm exhausted from working outdoors yesterday. We finally got out to Hope at 11am. Travis laughed when I picked him up after 9am and agreed he could never make an 8am call. Not even on a good day. His mood was good but we were both annoyed about having to tend the garden, so the trip was all business. Besides Evan had taken Jasper for the day so I wanted to be home as soon as possible.

At the garden we dug in. I was throwing water everywhere caring less and less about the plants and helping Travis turn a profit. Soaked by the time I got back to the car I stripped off and threw on my chinos and hoody. Clean dry clothes have an amazing ability to comfort the body, especially a body that's cold. Surprisingly Travis was right behind me.

"Oh hey! No more losses out there?"

He shakes his head and pulls his t-shirt off over his head.

"Nah my patch was okay but the creek is really getting low in places" his voice is monotone, hard to read.

"Yeah it gets down to a dribble in spots at that lower plot too."

I didn't say that there had been some more losses down low on the hill. There was nothing he could do about it and I sensed annoyance anyway. We were back on the road by 4pm and it was a quiet drive. I finally stumbled through my front door around 8pm. Travis hadn't suggested getting together and neither had I.

Jasper is well ahead of me by the time I get to the trail and he's found a friend. A Husky. I don't see the dog's owner but that doesn't mean they're not well back from their dog just like I am. I look around me waiting for someone to pop out of the woods or call for their dog. Nothing. I have a joint in my pocket that I'm ready to blaze and yet I don't want to do it if there are unavoidable human interactions to be had.

"Hey! Nice dog!"

I jump sideways as a young guy talks from behind me.

"Oh thanks! You too" I spin around pointing to the Husky and covering my eyes with my hand to block the sun.

He walks right past me and keeps going. He gives one sharp whistle and his dog follows along obediently. My kind of people! No need for too much small talk. We've all got places we're trying to get to. I take one more look around me and light the joint as I take a trail down to the water.

"Let's grab some beer and head to The Barn. See what those losers are up to eh?"

"Mmmm... if you want to?" I shrug at him wishing we were just staying in the back of the dive bar rather than going to visit Travis friends.

"Com'on Kara's a live wire" Travis says excitedly, "we'll go and watch her wig out when Darren gets her wound up."

"Why is she going to be wound up?"

"See that's the rub. We never know. We never know what it'll be that will set her off. But we know given enough prodding, she'll go off."

Nice. She must be lovely. Kara is the girlfriend of Darren, the cocaine addicted/dealing welfare guy who works with Travis on occasion. And who is possibly off to jail in the future for crashing the van filled with marijuana plants.

"Well from what you've told me it doesn't sound like Darren's all that into her."

Travis is laughing. He can barely get his story out.

"Oh hell it was so funny! I was in the back of a car with Darren one time and she was clinging on by her fingernails to the side of the car as it pulled away from the curb shouting at him, 'You're not going anywhere!'"

Travis has one arm up shaking his fist in the air.

"I mean the chick's strong but not strong enough to hold a car back," he laughs harder, "I was surprised she didn't throw herself in front of the car when her grip didn't stop him from leaving!"

A couple of old guys in the bar look at us and shake their heads.

"That's terrible."

He's still laughing.

"It was fucking hilarious! Back in the day you would have had to pay money at a freak show to see this much crazy!"

Travis spits when he talks and it lands on my shirt. He sees it but pretends not to notice. I don't want to embarrass him so I pretend it's not there.

"A tiny woman in a rage hanging onto a car with her bare hands..."

He nods and lets out another laugh at the thought of Kara hanging onto the side of the car. Jerk! Part of me feels sorry for her. I hate how weak girls are when it comes to love. We want it. That's the bottom line. And some of us, many of us, will demoralize ourselves to try to secure it.

"I've leapt from a few moving vehicles in arguments with lovers before."

Travis nods at me sipping from his pint glass. His head moves slightly to the right so that he can watch the server walk away behind me. I wonder if he thinks I don't notice or he just doesn't care?

"I can see that in you. But you're beyond that childish behaviour now Marley..."

He's smug and I know he's got more to say so I jump in first.

"Yes. These days I've managed to limit my 'crazies' to selected alcoholic outbursts which I consider to be much more mature."

He laughs. It pisses me off but I don't show it. I wouldn't be so crazy if you'd just date me properly! He stands up and skulls the last half of his beer enthusiastically.

"Come on let's go get beers and see what those freaks are up to?"

Stopping at the Liquor Store on Lonsdale Street Travis buys beer and I do too. It's not that I don't want to share, it's that Travis doesn't. He'll never say so but I know he needs every drink in the six-pack he bought and he'll still want more. I pull the car into Darren's street and stop suddenly. Travis looks up.

"You can park right out front" he motions me ahead with his arm.

"Nah I'm good."

"Why? Don't wanna be seen here huh?" he turns in his seat to look at me.

"I'm not going to have anything happen to my car because some chick is going ballistic. Better safe than sorry."

"Right" Travis opens his door and climbs out.

The Barn is a dirty run down house in North Vancouver surrounded by a huge hedge. You can't tell from the road because of the hedge but it's just a shitty old house minutes from demolition. It's always cold there too. Coldest house I've ever been in. The fireplace is merely a decoration it never gives off much heat. In fact I can't remember a time when I couldn't see my breath in front of my face while inside. And it smells moldy.

'Friends' using the term loosely, of Travis' live here. It's a place for losers without real jobs to gather together, hang out and while away the hours of life. Myself included.

"Knock knock! Everybody naked?" Travis calls out as he opens the door.

"I know there's nobody decent here!" he says quietly to me.

"Yeah come in," Sean yells back at us from the living room.

I look around me even more disgusted as I study the inside of the house. The walls are filthy. Many still have wallpaper from the 1970s on them and someone has even tried their hand at removing a wall. They either gave up due to the mammoth task or changed their mind so there's a huge chunk of plaster missing in the living room. The old green shag carpet's ripped in many places and they've just cut it and taped the end to the floor with reams of duct tape. What kind of person could be a slumlord and rent out this cardboard box? Then again, what kind of person rents it?

Darren and Sean live here. They're permanent fixtures and everyone else is a long or short-term visitor. I assume their names are the ones on the lease because they act like they're in charge. Darren's the vocal one and Sean's the murmurer who just keeps complaining under his breath until Darren deals with whatever is bothering Sean. Their relationship is similar to that of an old married couple. They each have their roles but if it had to be called, Sean is 'the bitch' for sure.

There's always beer at The Barn. These guys are alcoholic. Everyone is trying to forget something. The hurt. The cold. The lack of money. Repeatedly making bad choices. Or maybe the fact that our lives are filled with monotony and there's no real future beyond today's activities? Apathy surrounds us like a big blanket. Idle time can bring out the worst in people and all the beer drinking doesn't help.

"Hey!" I wave to the group not looking at anyone in particular as we walk into the living room.

No one waves back or even looks up but they mumble general hellos at both of us. Travis cracks the seal on his beer and sits down. Sean is standing over Darren trying to wrestle the remote control from Darren's hand. Darren holds him back with one arm.

"You're such a cockhead. Just give me the fucking remote!"

"Go away Sean before I drop ya!"

Darren stashes the remote down the front of his ugly grey track pants. The guy's mooned us so many times we all know he doesn't wear underwear.

"You're a sick fuck!"

He is. I wouldn't be touching that remote control ever. I slip onto the couch next to Travis. Guys don't like to sit close together so Travis and I get to sit on the couch right in front of the fire. I feel warmth on my face but the rest of me is cold and shivers. The heat just evaporates straight up the flue. I avoid looking at anyone by staring at the fire. Darren and Sean are in their own chairs one on either side of us. Everyone knows not to sit in those chairs. Kara's in a chair next to Darren and a couple of guys I don't know got up and went into the backyard as we walked in. The volume is down so low on the TV I have no choice but to listen to the bullshit chat.

"So I saw those chicks we met at The Cambie" Travis says.

Darren looks at him quizzically.

"You know that night after the game? Same night as The Shark Club."

Darren half nods. I can't tell if this did or didn't happen? I'm not getting the vibe that Darren is trying to tell Travis to shut up so maybe it's just a beat up?

"What chicks?" Kara asks Darren.

Everyone ignores her.

"Oh yeah. Those chicks with the Honda" Darren points at Travis and snaps his fingers.

So they do exist. Like Kara I'm starting to wonder who Travis is talking about?

"I saw them at a Gallery Opening in Gastown. They want a do-over."

Darren laughs.

"Can I come?" Sean pipes up.

Everyone looks at Sean.

"Where?" Travis asks.

"Wherever you're meeting up with these girls."

"Did you cheat on me?" Kara's voice gets thin at the end and she's staring at Darren.

Darren doesn't look at her but it's obvious she's agitated.

"This's not really the place now is it?" he sounds bored.

"The place? If you fucking cheated on me then there is no right place" she spits the words at him.

"Okay then, it's not the right time."

He flicks through the TV channels not looking at her.

"Bite me!"

"Calm down Kara. Have another beer," Sean holds a can of Budweiser out in front of her.

"No fuck you! I won't calm down Sean until Darren tells me if he's fucking around on me?" she snarls.

The guys from out back wander in. Kara's standing up and looking to others in the room to support her in the fact that she has a right to know. I don't want to get involved and slowly bury my head in my beer. But being the only other girl it's hard to avoid her. Sean and Travis keep laughing and Darren looks as if nothing is happening, ignoring her ranting. I feel her eyes burning into me. She turns back towards Darren. Her face is red and her arms are flapping. I'm sure she's going to hit him.

"You bastard! Who the fuck do you think you are? Why can't you just tell me?" she's screaming.

His face doesn't change and he doesn't look at her so she turns her attack on Travis.

"Well you obviously know something? You started this!" she points at him.

He's cool and has that smug smirk on his face, the one I'd like to knock off when he does it to me. I'm struck with sadness about the whole scene and realize that a lot of cocaine was shoveled off the table into nostrils before I arrived. I tread lightly.

"Kara it might be better to talk about this later when everyone is sober and not playing games. I'm grabbing a beer. Can I get you one?" I get up to go to the fridge.

She's up beside me puffing in my ear.

"Who's playing games?" she asks angrily as I try to move past her and she grabs my arm, "It sounds like you know something about this?"

I see all the signs of anger and frustration due to disrespect. She's obviously threatened by my presence too. Before I visited The Barn she was the centre of all the male attention. Good or Bad. The source of all her upset was these guys and yet she still wanted to be around them? They couldn't hold a decent job or even a conversation, and they were always in debt to someone. They committed criminal acts on a daily basis where it could be a pocketed bottle of vodka, or a new pair of jeans put on under their own in the change room, a 'Dine and Dash' or smacking down a crack dealer for drugs. And they talked about their crimes freely as if stealing is something everybody does? If you can sell it, these guys hunt it and usually late at night while you're sleeping, out in their clown car stalking anything worth a dollar that isn't tied down.

From the kitchen I look back at Darren and Sean. They're probably selling themselves for their habit. I screw up my face at the thought. Sean was more likely to stoop that low and there'd be someone that would want to fuck him too, even with his Lego man hair. I look at Darren. Is he seriously the best Kara can get? I look her up and down. She's a mess. Her eyes are wild and she has her hands on her hips. I look straight at her and use a calm and even tone.

"I don't know what's going on. All I know is that in front of people, particularly guy people, there's not a guy I know who will show a woman respect while she's yelling in his face accusing him of something that will only increase the tension, if he admits to it."

I lean in and point at her chest and she takes a couple of steps back from me. I think she's less threatened and more confused than anything.

"So Kara, he's obviously not going to change his stance and you are only upsetting the rest of us by yelling. I'm getting another beer, do you want one?"

Kara doesn't answer me so I get beers for Travis and I and walk back to the living room. As I pass her I'm fearful that she'll come at me with a knife or her fists. She's volatile. Her face is red and tense and everyone can see how fucked up she is. What the hell am I doing here and why do I care? Wouldn't lying in the bath with a nice glass of red wine and a trashy celebrity magazine be better than witnessing such sadness and desperation?

"Fuck You! Who do you think you are?" she screams from behind me.

I put the beers down on the coffee table, grab my bag, glance at Travis, wave my hand in the air to no one in particular and walk out the front door.

"Psycho Bitch!" I mutter as I slam the door.

And there it is. I lose control and respond like the child I wish I could be again. Travis comes shuffling out the front door after me and grabs my elbow just as I get to the car. I turn around.

"Come back Marley. Come on. She's crazy. Darren'll get rid of her."

"Nah. I'm tired anyway Travis and I don't want to be around that. It's too much negativity. Besides I should get home 'cos' I've got gardening to do, ya know?"

"Ah okay. Fair enough. Sorry about that eh?" he nods in the direction of The Barn, "What a bitch!"

"It's all good. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

It's not all good. I'm not sure what I'm doing here? I should have just dropped him off.

"Hey I'll grab the rest of your beers."

"It's cool. You have them. I have wine at home."

We stand there awkwardly and I move to open the car door at the same time as he grabs my other arm, holding me there while he kisses me goodbye. It's nice. A surprise. I want to suggest he come home with me but know that I shouldn't. I get in the car and roll down the window, waving out of it at Travis who's walking back inside. I'm not angry, I'm sad. Sad for Kara that she wants what she can't have and what she wants is Darren on her terms. Deep down I know I'm in a similar position but his kiss has disarmed me. Maybe I'm just in too much of a hurry to get what I want with Travis?

Travis and I have our windows down and the sun is warm on my face. We share our first joint of the day as we drive out to Hope and with the wind blowing all around us we have to be careful to use a pinch exchange for the joint. It's early and the air is fresh. Fresh enough that I have nipple erectus! And I could use a pair of driving gloves.

Travis listens dutifully as I make observations, tell jokes and talk about current news events adding the obligatory "yes" and "uh-huh" where required. My chatter combined with the sun, the high and the light hum coming from the radio puts Travis to sleep. He's hung-over as usual and normally it pisses me off that he gets to sleep the journey away. But I kind of like it when people sleep around me because I think it means that they're comfortable. Trusting even. It could also mean that they're just bored? But I don't think I'm boring? Then again we aren't always the best gauge of our own behaviour.

I'm looking forward to gardening today because the weather is gorgeous and the change of scenery always brings new thought. Repetitive action makes for a repetitive life and I needed to see more than the inside of my garage. I stop for fuel in Chilliwack and Jasper sits up as I stop the car but Travis sleeps on. I'm pumping gas when he wakes up and quickly jumps out.

"Just grabbing a six-pack for the end of the workday" he rushes away to the Liquor Store in last night's clothes.

I pay the cashier for the fuel and he's back in the car when I get back. I get in and hear the unmistakable sound of the seal cracking on one of the bottles.

"Just to focus," he offers before I can say a word.

Justification: the first warning sign of an alcoholic. Drinking in the morning: the second warning sign.

He chugs that beer and another before we get to turn off. I park the car in our regular pullout and change into gardening clothes while Travis secures the rest of the beer in the creek. He slowly changes out of last night's clothes in between playing stick with Jasper. I put my dry clothes on the backseat for later and role a joint. It would seem we're in no rush.

Our packs are loaded with food, some for us, some for the plants. I'm hungry but want to wait until we're ready to work before I eat or I'll feel sick walking with all the weight on my back. We bush bash a new route in because our old path is becoming too trekked and obvious and Travis drags us across a bog that's at least a foot deep. And it's heavily rutted, with fresh hoof prints everywhere. Jasper's loving it but my sneakers suction into the mud with every step I take, and I have to use all the strength in my foot just to hold onto the shoe as I fight the mud to keep it. Mud squishes between my toes. It tickles and I laugh but I'm losing my balance so my laughter is peppered with small shrieks.

"Shhh..."

"Sorry" I whisper, seeing Travis is pissed off and realizing I'm being a little girly.

It's not exactly appropriate behaviour for the location and the activity being undertaken here. Travis moves ahead quickly and I can see I'm expected to follow and keep up. Jasper is way ahead and I wonder if these two are trying to ditch me? I'm puffing heavily by the time I reach the plot and Travis is inspecting the plants. I light the joint and we smoke in silence. I glance at him, he looks beat down, tired and burnt out. He runs through the feed cycle and heads out to water his plot. I cross my fingers and close my eyes in silent support. Please don't let his plot be damaged. I don't want him in a bad mood for the drive home.

I sit listening to the noises around me. A light wind is rustling through the trees and Jasper is bobbing for rocks. The summer air smells fresh as it gathers moisture along the creek and it's the perfect temperature. I wish I could sit here all year. It's incredibly peaceful. Even the mud between my toes in my heavy wet shoes can't ruin it. Far away in the distance I hear a logging truck gearing down on the lower road and remember time is wasting. Work beckons and I'm a slave to the high. I talk to the plants and ask them for big things while stroking their leaves. Jasper rushes by and stands on one of the plants trying to get me to play stick.

"Shit Jasper! Get off you big oaf!" I say in my angry voice tired of having to keep an eye on him.

I tie him to a tree in the shade with his leash.

"Mommy's busy Jas. Mommy's busy! Chew your stick."

I'm about halfway done when I untie Jasper and sit down to enjoy my sandwich. I find a seat on a fallen tree trunk in the sun and look out over the mountains. There's nothing but trees as far as the eye can see and a dirt road deep down in the valley. I notice the leaves are turning on some trees. Not many but there are a few aspens that are looking yellow amongst the greenery. It'll be cold in two weeks or so when we come out again and the fall colours will be in full effect.

The plants in my plot have flipped to flower but there are two different strains. Half of the plants are an indoor strain and the other half are an outdoor one, and the indoor strain flipped late. They aren't close to being ready and with the time they need the frost will kill them before they can fill out. It's annoying to be watering plants that will only produce immature buds. The problem is hope keeps you at it. What if the winter comes late and there's extended sun? What it you need that immature bud just to fill up the bags? You could never intentionally kill the possibility of making another dollar.

Driving the back streets of West Vancouver to Horseshoe Bay I slam back my Pepsi. It bubbles up quickly in my throat and a long involuntary burp comes out. I know I shouldn't be drinking all this sugar but it makes everything better without feeling full in the belly. This way I just look puffy all round. I drive the scenic route along the water so as not to have to use Taylors Way, even though this way takes longer. I hate traffic. It's as simple as that. And I like to drive the streets where the rich live too. With the sun glistening off the water, the wind in my hair, imagining my life with an abundance of money. Dreaming my dream.

Money was tight when we had a bad run about a year ago and I delivered phone books for cash for a day. It was better for Yellow Pages to have you deliver to a location you knew so you could choose the streets you wanted to deliver to in North or West Vancouver. I found the specific delivery book of addresses that included the house of Douglas Copeland. Had one of my favourite authors, Mr. Copeland, been anywhere near his front entrance with the display of large liquid soap bottles of varying colours around the walls, I would have banged on the big windows and begged for an autograph. Unfortunately for the Canadian celebrity phone books have to be dropped at the door so I actually had to get that close to his home. It was part of the job. It isn't stalking. I believe its called 'trespass with permission' when delivering phone books.

That same day I also had to deliver to a home where there was an ambulance outside with its lights flashing. I walked up the path and I could see the paramedics working on someone lying on the ground, next to a long ladder pressed up against the house. As I got closer I could see a man on his back with his wife and paramedics hovering over him. He was elderly and in rubber boots on a drizzly Vancouver day. One could only guess he didn't have the mental ability to comprehend that not only do rubber boots and ladders not mix but when you add in wet weather it's raising the stakes to becoming a daring venture. I felt particularly bad to be delivering a phone book to them at such a crucial time in the couple's lives. Knowing that if only I'd been a little quicker at getting it to them the old guy might have used it to call a professional to do the job.

Pulling up the hill into Horseshoe Bay and out onto Highway 99 where four lanes becomes two I take my first toke for the afternoon. The only person who can stop me for smoking weed is a cop following behind and looking in the mirror I see no one. With nothing but ads on the radio I scan for something else, punching the button repeatedly. After much static the receiver finally picks up jazz on CBC radio and I relax as the sun streams into the front seats. The air is warm and summer is still in the air in the Sea to Sky Corridor. I pull my sunglasses off and clean them on the bottom of my t-shirt while the wind whips my hair into my eyes. When I try to brush my hair later I'll be cursing myself for having such a good time but the weather is too nice to have the window up and I don't like the smell of air-conditioning. Steering with my knees I riffle through my handbag for a piece of gum. I know the road so well that I know where and when I'll get past people and where I can sit back and enjoy the turns. The joint is working and I'm distracted thinking happy thoughts. Travis flashes up in between images of the beach and my plans of take out for dinner.

A wisp of my hair whips up into my mouth and burns as it touches the joint. The crackle and smell snap me back to reality and I pull the joint out at lightening speed making the car swerve as I do. My handbag flies across the passenger seat hurling my cell phone at the passenger door and it falls down beside the seat. I try to reach it but it's way down in there.

"Rats!"

I check my speed and look in the rearview mirror. There's now a car behind me but it's far enough back not to worry about and with nothing coming towards me I take a chance and reach across the seat to find the phone. My head's down near the radio and my foot's off the accelerator and I'm worried that my arm is pulling the car off the road but I still feel around in a panic. I can't find it and figure I have to stop the car when I make one last frantic sweep with my hand and touch the phone's aerial pulling hard. The car is in soft soil on the edge of the highway when I sit back up and it slides out a little before I regain control. I punch the accelerator seeing that the car behind me that was far back is now right on my rear bumper and is driving through my dust. The beating of my heart is amplified in my ear and I laugh nervously knowing I should've stopped the car. Sweat forms quickly on my upper lip. I put the phone to my ear and check my messages as I butt the joint out on the outside of my window with my other hand. I steer with my knees. Having performed this move many times before I'm not worried about driving up onto the shoulder of the road and I concentrate on the noise in my ear.

A wave of depression hits me when there are no new messages. But I have seventeen saved ones from friends and family and I play a few of those back. It's like reading old letters. It can make you feel warm and fuzzy to hear that somewhere someone loves you, even if they didn't call today. I hear Travis's voice and smile.

"Sweet Marley."

It sounds as if I'm syrup he'd like to smear all over his pancakes and I see him in an ad for Aunt Jemima' Syrup. He's waiting at the table while I serve him a plate of steaming pancakes wearing a white bikini and white wedges. My hair is long and thick and my body is in ridiculously good shape. And I'm evenly tan chocolaty brown. I'm not creating the image it just comes to me. Travis smiles up at me and then at my cleavage and I pout at him with my shiny red lips pouring the sticky syrup slowly all over his pancakes. I'm hot just thinking about it. Will he ever want anything serious with me?

Five days later Travis calls while I'm in the grow room and leaves a message.

"Hey Marley it's Travis let's get together and catch up. Maybe meet me in North Vancouver and we'll go from there. Say around 5pm? Call me back."

Jasper and I were heading out for a hike anyway so after I grab a six-pack of Heineken we pick Travis up and head to the beach. I open the car door and Jasper scrambles to get out. He's seen the water and charges towards it without hesitation taking a flying leap.

"I hope you have a dry dog towel in the car," Travis shakes his head as if I'm a bad parent.

"Me too!"

Jasper loves to swim and the treat in the swim is to fetch sticks thrown to him. So as long as I have a stick he can be kept busy for hours.

"How's things at The Barn?" I ask quietly throwing sticks in two different directions.

Travis laughs reminded of the night with Kara when I left abruptly.

"Oh I told you that chick was fruity, didn't I Marley? You know, your typical woman. Insecure and wound way too tight" he laughs again only more mischievously.

"Ya gotta admit Darren's a pretty cold bastard towards her."

"Ah, they're fine. It's all cool now. Things have quieted down while Sean's daughter is around."

I nod slowly confused.

"No really. Kara mellows out when Darren doesn't have Sean to get into trouble with."

"Uh-huh I get that. But he has a kid? Sean does?" this was news I could barely comprehend.

It'd never occurred to me that any of these guys would have kids. Travis nods knocking back more beer.

"Oh yeah. I never told you that? Katrina."

"Really?" I'm gob-smacked.

Who would have procreated with that guy? He's dirty.

"Katrina eh? How old is she?"

"Thirteen? Maybe fourteen? No maybe twelve?" he shrugs obviously guessing.

"Shut up! And she stays there at The Barn?"

"Yup" he nods looking out at the lake.

"With all of you? I mean with all of them? You know, with those guys sleeping there?"

"Yup. One big happy family!" he smiles.

I sit back and screw up my face.

"And her mother allows this?"

"I guess so. Sean's the kid's Dad after all."

Travis shrugs at me again, chugging the last of his third beer and eyeing a fourth as he loops the can back on the six-pack ring.

"You can have it," I point to the beers.

"I could start it and when you're done that one in your hand and this next one, you could finish the one I'm starting."

"Trust me Travis, it's yours. I'm really tired and not even sure I'll get to another one" I fabricate a yawn to emphasize the point of sleepiness.

Please! What's he thinking? I'm not sharing the bottom half of a beer twenty minutes from now.

"How often does Katrina stay with Sean then?"

"Oh I dunno? I'm not there much. Every now and again I guess."

Travis stayed there but I knew it wasn't all of the time. He could care less about Sean and his kid and I could tell he didn't want to talk about it but I was fascinated.

"Sean has his thirteen year old daughter come and stay at The Barn? That dirty bachelor pad filled with horny guys, drugs, booze, sex and porn? People forever coming and going? People always off their faces on something?"

"Yup" he nods at me unenthusiastically.

I was judging him in with that crowd.

"Huh."

The idea that Sean brought his young daughter around those desperados bothered me. What kind of environment was that to teach her a better way of life? Surrounded by her meth-addicted father and his friends? And how could her mother be agreeable to it? But then who the fuck was I? It made no difference what I thought. She was likely going to be messed up just by virtue of who her father was and from what I could see he really didn't have much to give her. If anything she'd unknowingly have a genetic predisposition for drug and alcohol abuse.

Jasper shakes his heavy wet coat all over us as he proudly drags another stick from the water.

"Shit!"

Travis jumps back angrily and I just put up an arm as if it will block the spray from hitting me and laugh.

"Want my other beer?"

I throw up a peace offering that I know will fix it.

"Sure. Stupid dog!"

"Awe he's just doing what dog's do. He's enjoying himself. Are you worried about your clothes?"

I survey the slept-in-looking jeans and shirt ensemble he's got on today.

"No. I just don't wanna smell like wet dog all night if I can help it."

"Hmmm... and the smell you've got going is better?" I mutter under my breath and smirk as he pelts another big stick out into the water for Jasper to chase.

"Awe, you love it when he leaps like that!" I nudge him.

"Yeah he is funny. He's a mini horse! He can be a big oaf but he is entertaining."

"You love him!" I smile at Travis.

He looks at me out of the corner of his eye and smiles.

"I wouldn't go that far but as I've said before, he's a great chick magnet!"

The Safeway cart outside The Barn puts me in a bad mood every time I go there. Not because it's ghetto to have a cart outside your home but more so because it comes complete with garbage. Garbage that's been sitting there for weeks, months, maybe even years? I look at it and wonder what's in the plastic bag? My mind thinks the worst and yet in all reality it probably just contains the stolen identities of several of their North Vancouver neighbours. Why can't they just get off their asses and move it? The garbage bag can go in one of the big dumpsters in the alley down the street and they could even get a few dollars from the local supermarket for the return of one of their carts.

Aside from the cart and garbage two truck canopies lean against the house and there's a makeshift skateboard ramp off the porch. On the porch there's a couch without cushions, a cat carry cage, skateboards without wheels, a motorbike frame, towels, empty beer bottles litter a coffee table and there are piles of boots and shoes around the front door. A string of multi-colored lights many of which are broken or blown out surround the doorway. It's not dissimilar to the Coke House and I feel depressed about where I am and who's inside. I can only hope that they're all asleep and that Travis is ready to go. I can't fathom how any woman could come back to The Barn just based on the outside of the place, let alone once you got inside and saw the flimsy mattresses on the floor pretending to be unmade beds with piles of dirty clothes lying next to them? Does a single blanket qualify as linens? And pillows. I didn't know they sold foam that thin. It must feel like camping.

I'm slowly getting out of the car when Travis comes through the front door. I stop at my open car door and wait for him.

"Hey."

"Hey lets go" he seems rushed.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah. I just wanna get out of here. We have heaps to do. The goons want work. They need to get paid and I don't want to tell them I can't help them. It's better if I don't see them."

He ducks into the passenger seat and I jump in happy to be getting on with the day.

In Chilliwack we stop to get supplies. I'm not hungry but I know I will be as the day wears on. I want to eat chocolate bars and chips but I don't want Travis to judge me so I get a box of muesli bars instead.

"Hey you want a couple of these for your pack?"

"What kind are they?" he looks at me.

"They're soft fruit-filled ones. Raspberry I think?"

"Ah nah. I'll resist" he screws up his nose.

"No good?"

"Ummm... no they're good. I just like ones with less sugar."

Huh! I should have gotten chocolate! The outcome would have been the same and I don't care for the bars myself. They're dry and they have no chocolate in them.

"So you still want the kids?" he looks sideways at me.

"Yep."

"A hundred?"

"That'd be good."

"Okay. I'll be down late because I'll cut them at the end."

Jasper and I water the second plot and light a fire before Travis gets back to the car.

"Get off me crazy dog!" Travis is grumpy as Jasper jumps around him barking.

"Jasper come here mate. Lie down" I try to keep him from the firing line.

I heat a can of soup on the fire to help Travis warm up while he potters around behind me getting changed. Sitting on a rock staring into the fire I watch the can for bubbling. I love being outside. These are moments of peace for me in a chaotic mind. The smell of fire and the crackle and glow takes me away to another place. The surrounding trees being silhouetted by the lingering light of the setting sun is beautiful. I stare at the embers. I should have been a firefighter. That way I could have stared at the glow and gotten paid for it.

I think about heading home and sigh. My own garden needs attention and I have to do the bucket preparation because by the end of the week I'll be replanting the clones Travis just cut. I put them straight from jiffy pellets into three-gallon buckets, which is a big transition, but they seem to handle it okay. Besides it takes too long for them to grow into three-inch pots and then into the three-gallon buckets. It's an extra week to ten days at least.

"You wanna put this thing out and get going?" Travis comes up behind me.

"The fire?" I'm confused by his abruptness.

"Yeah."

"Sure. I was heating up some soup for you but..."

"Yeah that's cool. I'll eat it. Give it here."

He bends over with a big stick and drags all the embers to the middle of the fire. Digging a hole in the centre he uses two sticks to pick up the soup can by its sides and drops the can into the hole.

"She'll be ready in no time," he sits down on a rock beside me.

He's being distant and weird and now I'm grumpy.

"Where're you staying tonight?" obviously ruling out my place and giving him time to come up with a plan.

"Ahh..."

"It's okay. No rush. Just let me know. I've got so much work to do at home and..." my voice trails off.

I'm making excuses for not wanting any company and I start second guessing myself. Maybe I do?

"I've got a party to go to downtown but I've got to change into clean clothes. So I dunno? Maybe you could drop me at The Barn and wait while I grab a quick shower and change, and then drop me off downtown on your way home?" his voice gets thin at the end because he knows he's being rude.

He looks at me and can see my nostrils flaring. I never go near downtown on my way home. Not only has he not invited me to a party he's going to but he's asking me to be his chauffeur! I'm pissed at him. I manage to remain calm though as I can see him smiling out of the corner of my eye and I smile slowly.

"Nah. I'm good. I WILL slow down to eighty kilometres on the highway as we pass by The Barn though so that you can jump out!"

SEPTEMBER

Jess's Engagement Party is only a few weeks away. I invited Travis before the last night we were in the woods. He was unenthusiastic but I encouraged him to join me and assured him it'd be very casual. Best friend duties require me to be there early, so I suggested he could show up late and we could leave soon after if it stinks. I know there's a good chance I'll be looking for an escape by then anyway, James not being my favourite person and Jess liking the alcoholic bevies a little too much. I'd likely be climbing the walls by the time Travis got there.

Jess is my low maintenance friend. She can look after herself. When you meet her you have no doubt about that. She's a curvaceous white woman who should've been born black. She's forever at the tanning salon and I've always been jealous of her frizzy long black hair, which with some product looks like beautiful thick long curls. With her larger than life personality and the bark of a Rottweiler she's fun to be around, but at the same time her strength is frightening to most men. To me, it only makes her a delightfully exciting and unpredictable friend and while I'm easily bored, I'm never bored with Jess.

My phone is ringing and I can't find where I've thrown it yet again. I run through the house and snatch it quickly from the bathroom counter pressing buttons, as it must be close to having the answering machine kick in. I can see its Jess.

"Hey whaaaaaaaat's uuuuuuuuuup?" I'm stealing from the Budweiser commercial.

"Hey Marl, I'm just checking some things off my list for the big day."

Her voice is monotone. Jess has her extremes but not often. She's usually very happy.

"Oh sure. How's it all..."

"So you'll be here around 3.30pm?" she cuts me off.

I hear her sniffing.

"Yeah I'll probably make it between 3 and 4pm. Is everything okay Jess?"

"Mmmm... yeah."

She's very unconvincing and being intentionally so. There's silence.

"What's going on? It's normal to be nervous you know? And it's okay to change your mind."

"No. God no! It's nothing like that. I want to marry James more than anything Marley. It's just that we haven't had a lot of time together lately."

"Uh-huh" I say it quietly letting her continue.

"Oh I don't know?"

I let that hang in the air. There's silence again so I try to quietly soothe her fears.

"Well you both work and you're planning a party, it's only natural that..."

She cuts me off. I'm obviously not getting whatever it is she needs me to know telepathically!

"No it's not that. James has been working overtime so much lately. Ever since we got engaged in fact. You know he wants to save money for a nice big wedding and says that he has to strike while the iron's hot..."

"Which is a good..."

"But!" she pauses for effect cutting me off again annoyed I interjected.

"But?"

I'm getting sick of trying to support her in this conversation.

"But in the meantime shouldn't we be going at it like rabbits? Lord knows I'm not getting any younger."

"Isn't that what you've been doing since you met? I mean now that you're engaged he must be thinking about the future, stability and all of the things that go with wanting to spend the rest of your days with someone. He'll be busy laying foundations now and not just shagging you all the time."

"I guess you're right."

I have no idea what's going on I could simply rationalize anything away, particularly if I wanted a conversation to be over with.

"He's probably a little stressed and it sounds like he's also likely to be tired working so much. And the challenge of conquering Mt. Jess is somewhat diminished with the whole engagement thing."

"I know. You're right. I'm worrying about nothing."

"Is there something else Jess?"

"No. I'm probably just stressing out because I want everything to go perfectly. Oooohhhh... I just wish I was pregnant already! It just seems like we aren't even trying for a baby anymore" she whines.

"It'll happen. And because I know you like it every which way, your only job is to make sure he's putting it in the right hole!"

She laughs and her mood lightens considerably.

"How are you anyway Marley? I never seem to get the news on you lately. What's been happening? How are the kids?"

"They're good. I'm good. Everything's pretty good. Still don't know who I'll bring to your party though. Any ideas?"

I throw the conversation back to her and avoid the line of questioning, hoping she'll launch into a monologue to finish out the conversation.

"Well funny you should mention it. I was out with the boys last weekend and Jared was there."

"I can't take Jared to your party Jess" I say quickly.

"No that's not what I was going to say. He brought along a friend and he was a real cutie Marley. I swear if I wasn't..."

How many times have I heard her say this?

"I'm sure he was Jess but I'm not really looking for something new right now."

I hear her sigh.

"What about your guy Travis?"

"Mmmm... I dunno?"

"It's not going well?"

"Yeah it's fine. He's just not that keen on parties" I lie.

"Oh really? Well there's always Jared's friend! He looked like he'd be a hoot."

"What kind of guy that's 'SO interesting' do you forget the name of?"

"I didn't forget. I was running out of the bar and didn't have a chance to be introduced. In his tight dark jeans and cream linen shirt he certainly had my eye though. Yum!"

"Hmmmm..."

Her idea and my idea of yum are different. We've never competed for any guy's attention.

"Seriously Marley you should call Jared."

"Mmmm... we'll see."

Jared is an ex fuck-buddy. The only reason you call a fuck buddy is to hook-up or alert them to a disease you've acquired. I couldn't call Jared and besides, Travis was already coming with me. I didn't need a blind date.

When I open my hydro bill I feel pain and tightening in my chest. I'm forced to sit down on the steps and read it properly. The bill's high but it's always high. This bill includes a special flyer with an Important Public Safety Announcement from BC Hydro and the RCMP. Along the top of the flyer in big print is 'What is and How to spot a Marijuana Grow Op.' A little reminder to all of my neighbours that this kind of thing could be going on right here in our neighbourhood.

The general public, Mr. and Mrs. Law-abiding Citizen, don't want drug manufacturers, drug sellers or users living amongst them and this flyer is to encourage people to look for it. Hopefully most of my neighbours will just discard it although I know the retired set probably wont. By default they are the true watchdogs of our society. Always home, too much time on their hands and limited excitement in their daily lives.

I read the flyer reviewing the protections I have in place against detection. I have condensation on my front windows from things happening inside, but then almost every house in the street with single pain windows has some condensation. When the weather is more humid I'll get up before the sun comes up and wipe the windows with a towel, just in case it's obvious that I have a humidity issue. There's no light coming out anywhere and we're exhausting up the chimney so there's no smell. The hum of the equipment sounds just like white noise so I guess the most obvious thing to the outside eye is that the garage doors never get opened. Not everyone uses their garage for parking their cars but most people at least open them from time to time.

In Squamish there are many older box homes with basements, some finished, some not. And all of them have an oven or dryer outlet to plug a timing board into, not to mention easy access to water. The basements are often a maze of little back rooms, so it's simple to block the windows that are on the back of the house without anyone noticing. A fireplace downstairs enables you to vent the out-take air, smell and all up the chimney and out into the air higher than any human could smell. Most of the houses are free standing too, which prevents neighbours from overhearing your movements and conversations.

Employment options in the area are limited and rent prices are reasonable and only just on the increase, so it's a likely place to grow weed. On top of all that proximity to Vancouver and the US border is ideal. Anyone doing the math could tell you that it's an affordable place to make good money growing. The thing is most people in the game can't even do math. And those that can, simply don't want to think that Squamish is a prime location for indoor grow ops. It isn't a good image for the expanding recreational town. But there's a grow store three doors down from the IGA and the local Garden Centre has long sold indoor growing chemicals and hardware. Could the community seriously be in denial as to how much weed is being grown here?

I drive home from The Cambie miserable. Beer does that to me. Well that and being reminded I'm no closer to being a Mum or creating a family. This life is so secretive. The guys I know can't stand the limitation on their love lives because the connection can never be an honest one. Everyone knows the old saying "a woman scorned," well in this industry, you simply can't have a bitch go crazy on you. It's often the difference between doing time and not doing time. The problems between men and women are universal and well documented. Shows like Jerry Springer wouldn't exist without them. Trying to start something with someone, telling truths and half-truths until you can work out where things are going can cause arguments, and some people have very spiteful characters. In the end it just isn't worth it.

The secrecy of life growing or dealing weed means your social circle gets smaller and you end up only dating people in the industry. For me it's more about shame. I could be doing more with my life but I'm not. Is that why I'm attracted to Travis? Because I don't have to feel shame about how I make my money? He couldn't look down on me for my choices.

I stretch out and finish the last toke on a roach staring at the TV. I should go to bed. I'm drunk and feel tired. I lie back on the couch burnt out, dreaming of having a brainwave and doing something meaningful and world changing. Instead I end up watching re-runs of the People's Court wondering what the out takes are like? Do people swear or spit or jump the counter to get to the Judge if they don't like the verdict?

I walk to the bathroom and get undressed. I stare at myself in the mirror and frown. I want to be okay with my own body especially as I don't have a lot of control over it. It exists. I try to keep it in decent condition but admittedly I probably neglect it more than my car, and that baby doesn't get much attention at all. I change the oil when it's two changes overdue and check the air pressure in my tires almost never. I'm lucky to even vacuum the inside these days.

I used to eat better. I used to exercise religiously. Without Evan and the security of that relationship I'm struggling to find the motivation to be the best I can be. These days my back hurts and I can't tell if it's because I sleep on a shitty mattress or because I always slouch? Maybe it's all the bending over watering I do?

I exude more confidence when I'm naked around someone else. I have to. It's all out there for the person to see. But it's always nice to have a new lover say something nice about my body to put me at ease. I'm sharing my life's work, the thing that's been with me since the start. My body is my map, scars and creases telling its tales. Beat up in places and still pure in others.

In contrast I love a new body to play with. I love the different shapes and sizes of a man's body. Fat and fit. The thick dick versus the pencil dick. A hairy chest, a bare chest with hairy nipples. The natural sweater; hairy back, neck and shoulders. Tattoos. Scars. Feet and toes. Long ear lobes. Unibrow. And the snail trail! The hair that goes from a man's groin to his belly button. If that isn't the sexiest part of a man's body then I don't know what is?

Forest fires are burning heavily in the interior of British Columbia and are predicted to continue for some time as the ground is hard and rainfall non-existent. There have been suggestions of closing all backcountry areas in the province to help conserve the forests from human error and further fires. Travis and I head to the woods regardless and are pleasantly optimistic about the possibilities of using the logging roads unseen. A trickle of sweat runs down my neck between my breasts soaking into the band of my bra.

"The plants are going to be thirsty."

"Yup" Travis nods.

"And it' already so fucking hot!" I nod.

Sweat runs down under my armpit through the bra band and moves down onto my waist pooling in my belly button.

"Yeah we need to get more bottled water. Hey pull in up here!" Travis points at Wal-Mart "I need netting too."

"I should grab some food too."

We end up buying sardines, granola bars, extra strength fishing line, plant food, netting, a big bag of salt and vinegar chips. The supplies are bought in case we get hungry, for after the work's done, or as rations in case we have to going running from fire attack or for our freedom.

We stop in Princeton to ask the locals about the fire ban, and thoughts on going into the backcountry. There's nothing about the backcountry being closed on any notice board but I do take down a web site promoting the collection of local rocks for money. I often have heaps of time to kill waiting for Travis that I could spend fossicking in the river. You never knew what you could find that could be worth something to someone. Travis asks a few people at the gas station and everyone says the same thing. 'Forget it! The area's closed.' One guy even goes so far as to say we'll be fined if we try.

"What d'you think?" Travis turns to me.

"I say we give it a try. We came this far."

I'm defiant. It annoys me too that there are so many rules. So many people ready to say no! Can't we just be responsible instead?

Pulling the car off at our usual exit we hit the dirt road and we're barely off the highway when there's a barricade. I stop and Travis gets out and moves it just enough for me to get through but not so that it looks like we've moved it. We cruise along slowly with windows down enjoying the breeze and trying not to stir up too much dust. There's smoke in the air but the fire is far enough away to not bother us. We round a blind bend a couple miles from our pull-off and there's a Fire Warden sitting in his truck blocking the road.

"Shit!" we both say it at the same time.

"We'll be fine. You're doing the talking" I say to Travis without taking my eyes off the truck ahead.

I'm looking at the Warden through the windshield of his dirty red truck. I can tell from his shoulders he's a big guy. He waves at us to stop and I pull up slowly beside him and he waits for the dust to settle staring down at us.

"The backcountry is closed."

I smile at him and Travis leans across me while I lean back into my seat.

"We need to pick up our generator. We left it on our property and we're out here building a cabin."

"What's the location?"

I swallow deeply I'm sure we're screwed. What's Travis going to say? It's the third logging road on the left then about twenty-five miles to a switchback, we tuck the car away in the woods, walk through brush, blah, blah, blah? Pulling surveying maps and legal papers with titles on them from his bag Travis gives him names and locations and he sounds confident. Pointing and using lingo I'm not familiar but that the Warden can appreciate. I'm surprised and try desperately not to show it.

"I really can't let you through today" the Warden coughs.

Travis leaves that hang in the air for a minute and I nod understandingly at the Warden. I wonder if he'd take a bribe?

"Look we've already had our gear taken once this summer and we just can't afford to lose another generator..."

I nod in support of Travis's lie. The Warden's face doesn't change. He's still pissed off he has to even deal with us. The Warden stares at Travis and I don't think a financial offering would make a difference.

"I really can't. The ban is in place."

"I know but we really only want to gather our valuables while we can't be out here" Travis has his hands open begging the guy to be reasonable.

"Mmmm..."

I look down as if I'm disappointed, which I am.

"Alright well I've taken your license plate. You should be out within the hour. I'll tell the next Warden on shift why you're out here though and if you're still here in two hours we will be reporting you to the RCMP. Be quick and be safe now."

"Thank you."

Travis gives me the nod. I move on slowly and we laugh nervously together once we get far enough away. My stomach is doing flips. We just got away with a lie so that we can go and do something illegal.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"

My hands are shaking and my heart is racing. This was going to be the fastest five-hour visit we've ever had. I park the car as far back in the scrub as possible. We cover our foot tracks as we cross roads and use trails. We are serious. There's little conversation and definitely no joking around. There's no smoking together and each of us heads directly to our plots.

"Be really careful and call me if you see anything worrying" Travis hands me a two-way radio.

"Yep."

"And no contact unless it's necessary."

My heart is high in my chest thumping hard as I check the whole plot from the perimeter. It's quiet and calm as usual but it feels different. It's even quieter than normal, if that's possible? There are no logging trucks. I put my pack down and sit on a stump. I roll a joint and smoke it trying to decide whether to start uphill and work downhill or the other way around. My throat's dry and grateful for the creek water and scoop handfuls into my mouth. I take a hard candy from my pocket and suck on it as I begin to work. Bottom to top for a change I've decided and I drag buckets down the hill. I fill the buckets from the creek and add the chemical. It's arduous because the buckets are small, the creek is low and the chemicals have to be added every time. Jasper lies down in the water. It's ridiculously hot and the creek has dried out so much it only trickles in places so he can lie down without being poked by sticks or having to stay afloat.

Not surprisingly I'm soaked by the end of the day. My sneakers are so wet they squelch with every step and the noise is so loud to me it's annoying. I contemplate taking them off but with the very real the threat of bears and the time of day I'd be wiser to endure the discomfort.

I can hear Travis right behind me on the trail as I walk out and when we get back to the car I see he's just as wet. It's so dark we just assume no one is at the car and don't try to be quiet.

"Let's load up and go eh?" I peel my shoes and socks off and throw my bag in the back seat ready to go.

"I hope you loaded that shit on there today because we can't come back for a couple of weeks. It's too risky" he pulls his shoes off and throws them on the carpet under the passenger seat.

I stare at his disregard for my property knowing the wet and muddy stain will be my problem tomorrow.

"Now you're stating the obvious! I did my best."

It was free help. He got what he got.

We drive home in silence. I'm exhausted and Travis falls asleep.

I get to Jess's third floor apartment around 4pm and muscle all the food into the kitchen while she gets me a drink.

"James and I were just going outside for a smoke. James has a joint if you wanna share?"

Jess doesn't smoke weed only cigarettes and she's rarely without one. James smokes both. I've never enjoyed sharing joints or anything that goes in my mouth for that matter, like food or a toothbrush. I walk out onto the balcony and kiss James cheek. I'm being polite and still wondering where he was as I dragged everything up to the apartment?

"Hello!" I pretend happiness.

"Hey, you brought the nosh then Marley?" he nods towards the kitchen.

"Yup."

"Well then you're staying. Have a seat."

He smiles and a quick check of his face tells me he doesn't have any cold sores but I worry more about what I can't see. I shudder and decide to put my faith in the 'I'm a good person and surely I wont get anything' belief system I have.

"Here" he hands me the joint.

We sit on the balcony watching the sun going down along the tree line in the doggy park across the street. Well that's what we call it because there are so many dogs in Vancouver and so few dog friendly spots the park is often overrun with four legged friends. Dogs big and small run together in the pack, chasing after balls and sticks while other dogs just sit beside their owners who sit on benches drinking coffee and chatting. A couple of dogs unashamedly mill about and sniff each other's butt and James and I laugh at a little Dachshund puppy who is trying to get the attention of a Great Dane by climbing all over her feet.

James seems cool and relaxed with his feet up on an old stool. He looks like I feel when I'm on vacation, and he's almost attractive to me. I can't help but give him the once over. Club Monaco chic, shirt open, native necklace, flip-flops, bed head and the smell of freshly showered musky male. Jess comes out and smokes her cigarette in the corner because she knows I don't like the smell. For years I sat with her and her friends passively smoking in the smoking rooms of bars, for fear of not wanting to be left alone. I have since told her I don't want any more cigarette smoke in my lungs and she looked at me as if I was a hypocrite but I have to draw the line on my health somewhere. She sits down heavily beside me and at the same time James stands up.

"Excuse me ladies. I think I'll leave the gossip to you and go and play some video games."

"Go on man-child."

Jess waves him away as if he's 'the help' and she charges her glass in the air towards me. I charge my glass towards hers hoping that she has a toast in mind because I was in charge of food damn it! I can't think of everything! Besides I hate to be put on the spot with a push of gushy friendship crap. I exhale encouraging her to say something with my 'waiting expectedly' smile.

"Here's to our friendship, thank you for everything you've done. And of course here's to my impending marriage. May he be a long ride!" she winks "And may IT be long and hard!" she giggles.

Ugh! Now I'm imagining James dick.

"God, you should know that by now! And if he's smallish I think you'd have had him see the plastic surgeon?"

"He's fine" she winks "If I wanted plastic Marley I'd have bought a vibrator!"

I giggle and we chink our glasses together. As I slurp some wine goes up my nose because I'm still laughing and I quickly rub under my nose hoping nothing is dripping out. I charge my glass into the air caught up in the moment.

"Here's to you Jess. May you be the happiest person alive from this day forth and if not, may you screw the happiest person alive and hope he squirts a little happiness into you!"

"Here, here!" she takes a big sip.

"I love these wine glasses" I hold mine up I admiring it.

"Oh these old things. They're only IKEA but I just liked how big they were."

"Yeah, that's what I really like about them. And solid too! If I drop one there's a chance it'll bounce!"

She laughs loudly knowing that I'm more than likely to drop and break the glass during the course of the night. It's just something I did, not on purpose it just always seemed to happen to me. I look sideways at her and I can't believe another of my girlfriends' is engaged and soon to be married and I'm still not desired by the right man. I'm happy for her, I really am. She's been searching for her Mr Right the whole time I've known her and now that James is around she feels protected. There's less 'bravado' and more 'funny girl.' Less bark and bite and I envy how she feels. I want my face to glow and look as relaxed hers simply because I'm loved and respected. I close my eyes and wish away my cynicism towards men. I open one eye again and see James playing video games inside. Nope! Cynicism is still here.

Jess butts out her third cigarette since we came outside and stands up to go inside. She opens the sliding door and I'm hot on her heels when she yells past me to a neighbour in an apartment across the street, pointing at a pair of sneakers laced together hanging from the hydro lines.

"What's with the footwear? Someone die?"

The neighbour shrugs and waves at her from the balcony laughing.

"Hey Jess! How're you?"

"Good thanks Dottie. Having a party tonight!"

She nods and I nudge Jess talking quietly.

"Ya think god pulled him straight from his boots and then hung them as a reminder? One more person in Heaven, Live life to the fullest!"

She laughs and nods.

"I heard that that's why they're up there. Not because God grabbed him but because someone died. You know, like a tribute?"

"Could be? I think it's just to be a nuisance to the community and a danger to the Hydro dudes who have to get them down."

I think about the idiots who rewire the hydro to their homes to grow dope with free electricity and how they often leave it so that it could electrocute someone.

"Have you ever noticed the shoes are always so ratty too?" Jess shakes her head as if the crime is the fact that the shoes aren't well kept.

"Well I'm guessing business people don't throw a pair of brogues up there when one of their guys passes! My understanding is they take out a notice in the paper."

Jess laughs and burps involuntarily which makes me laugh and her laugh harder. We shuffle back to the kitchen where Jess tops up both of our wine glasses. I stir the dry onion soup powder into the sour cream and I get Jess to slice up the breadstick for the bruschetta. I prepared the pesto bruschetta topping earlier, along with the coconut chocolate balls that have become my entertaining trademark.

"PIL did a great job with the decorations," I say enthusiastically, still jealous she got the easy job.

"Yeah I love it. She came over yesterday and did them. We still have a few white balloons to blow up but the room's come up wonderfully!"

"Yeah, it looks lovely."

Actually IKEA and the Dollar Store looked like they did most of the work. PIL simply hung things and created a collage of James and Jess loving moments. A kindergarten kid could have been the decorator.

"Are these prawns?" Jess is digging through my coolers.

"Yes. I'm just marinating some skewers. We've got a peanut sauce in there somewhere and chicken skewers too."

"Marley, You are such a good friend! You rock!"

"I know."

I rummage through bags feeling as though I'm forgetting something.

"What's missing?" Jess puts her hands on her hips and stares at me.

"I can't find the bruschetta topping?"

"Oh that. It's here. I put it in the fridge."

She pretends to have a megaphone.

"Stop looking. You can stop looking James. Call off the squad. Will everybody please stop looking? We have the bruschetta mix."

James sticks his head around the corner.

"What?"

He walks into the kitchen and stands close to me getting a beer from the fridge. I'm uncomfortable and take a step back pretending to need something behind me.

"Nothing lover. Go back to the palace of fun. We're just drinking and giggling." Jess holds his hand swinging his arm a little.

"Mmmm... the tone sounds more like gossiping."

He rubs her back, kisses her on the nape of her neck and then smiles at me as he leaves. Once he's out of earshot I prod, poking her in the ribs.

"Well he seems very attentive, things must be better?"

"Yeah."

She grins and blushes a little. I figure she got laid last night and probably again this morning from the looks of things. Any former discussion of unrest between them was now considered null and void.

"Nuff said" I nod firmly.

Jess laughs and grabs my sleeve.

"I'm sorry. It's good. Really good" she doesn't stop grinning "Great actually. So who did you end up inviting to my party anyway?"

How quickly we women seem to forget or can rationalize the drama of our lives when things are good again.

"Ah..." I hesitate, "Travis is going to stop by later."

"Ah we get to meet the elusive Travis. Does PIL know?"

"Yeah, I think I told her?"

I wonder if I did? Ah well she could be mad with me if I didn't. At least she was getting to meet him.

I'm putting food into Jess's fridge when it hits me how long this night is going to be and I take a deep breath and stare at the mold on the bottom shelf in the corner. Okay! No food of mine goes on the bottom shelf!

"What time are you going to get ready?" I ask Jess with my head in the fridge moving her food down to the bottom.

There's a long silence and I figure she must have walked off to talk to James. I pull my head out and stand up, turning around.

"I thought I WAS ready," Jess says with a smile and a hint of attitude, her hands on her hips.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it I just thought you might have been wanting a shower or something? You look beautiful," I try to say softly, wishing I'd never gotten high because then I would never have said it, and we wouldn't be standing here awkwardly staring at each other.

"Shower? My friends know I don't shower!"

She lifts her arm taking a deep whiff of her armpit.

"Mmmm... Beautiful. I call it Eau de Jess!"

"Yummy. Any more wine, armpit licker?" I laugh.

"Sniffer."

"Whatever. It's all the same. Sniffer. Licker."

Her cell phone beeps and she looks at it.

"It's a text message from PIL. She's finished work and should be here within the hour."

"Thank god."

"Why what's up?"

"Oh no nothing. I just want her to be here to enjoy your night too" I lie.

I need to blend into the kitchen and I want others to arrive to entertain Jess. Besides I have Travis on my mind and I know that I'm going to be stressed once he arrives. Eyes will be on us. Scrutiny of his every move and my reaction was to come. Jess's workmates are first to arrive and with the ratio of men to women being around two to nine the noise level at its peak is reminiscent of a hen house. Someone commandeers the music and by the time PIL arrives, Jess is well juiced and folks are up dancing on the coffee table. It's solid wood but I'm still sure the chick in steel blue heels is going topple. Some guy who obviously agrees with me is waiting beside her to catch her but I can't tell if she knows him?

I know many of Jess's friends from work, the bar scene and baseball but I'm not feeling my social self so I head to the kitchen to get another drink and hide out. PIL joins me as do a couple of the girls James works with and together we bake, grill and serve enjoying our own private party as we do.

"Hey what're you drinking there?" I nod at the blonde's drink.

"Oh a cooler" she shrugs at me embarrassed and turns to her friend who's studying the label on her drink.

"It's been years since we drank coolers PIL. Maybe we should go back to them?" I say enthusiastically.

PIL shakes her head and furrows her brow swigging from her beer.

"Nah they're just too sweet. But remember how much we loved Midori before the coolers Marley?" she points at me nodding and smiling.

"Yes" I'm suddenly nostalgic for my early twenties, "I loved Midori."

Travis still hasn't shown up by 10.30pm and I actually have to stop drinking to be sober enough not to freak out on him. When calls it's late and I'm tired.

"Hey Marley."

"Hey" I'm pleasant but non-committal.

"So where's this party?"

"Its pretty late Travis."

"What? No it's not. It's early. Is the party still going?"

I look around me. The rowdy rent-a-crowd have left and gone to the bar.

"Yeah but it' s mellowing out."

"Is there beer?"

"Yeah there's plenty of beer..."

I want to go home but also want my friends to meet him. I cover the mouthpiece briefly and sigh.

"It's the corner of Nelson and Thurlow Streets. Kitty-corner to the park. Third floor. Call me back when you're downstairs so I can come let you in."

"Right then. See you soon."

I rush to the bathroom to check my make-up and PIL catches my arm on the way out and swings me around.

"You should have heard what that Candice chick was telling me about James. Let's just say, Madame PIL can see drama in the future" she pretends to have a crystal ball.

"James is fucking her?" I grab PIL's hand hopefully.

"No but Candice and James used to pump uglies. Do you think Jess knows about that?"

"No."

"She should know that one of the chicks he's hanging out with is an ex don't you think?"

"Hmmm I guess?" I shrug worried about Travis coming, "James and I already have this friction thing and if I learn anything more it will only make me more distant. You know I can't hide my distaste for pig PIL."

"Well I can't be the one to tell her!"

"Then I don't know who will? I'm certainly not telling her. Besides I didn't hear it, you did."

"Hear what?"

"Exactly."

"Did he call?" she changes the subject.

"Who Travis?"

I play dumb because I'm caught off-guard. I'm still annoyed from the conversation Travis and I just had on the phone but I want them to like him, so I can't say anything to taint that.

"Yes Travis, who else? Oooohhhh not expecting a call from Evan are we?" PIL is smiling.

"No."

"No Travis didn't call?" she pushes.

"No he called, not expecting one from Evan."

"So you'll tell me when he gets here?" PIL winks at me.

"Yes I think you'll know when he gets here. Does my face look alright?"

"Yes. Beautiful. Still the same one you were born with. You could make it smile though."

She pinches my butt, adjusts and pushes up her girls and goes to dance in the living room.

"Thanks PIL" I call after her but she's already out of earshot.

Heading back into the kitchen I grab my handbag. The green light is flashing on my cell and I know I've missed his call. Shit! How close was he the last time he called? He calls again while I'm checking my messages and I answer it on the first ring.

"Sorry I missed your call Travis."

"I'm here. I've been calling up to the window for someone to buzz me in for ages."

He's pissed off. I can't believe he's pissed off. And all because I didn't hear his phone call or him actually yelling in the street below!

"I thought you were going to take longer to get here. I'll come down now."

I'm happy he actually came and grab Jess's keys as I run out the door, flying into the stairwell taking the stairs two at a time. Once outside I leap off the top step and hug him. Travis claws away pushing me back like the cat in the "Pepe le pew" cartoons. He's pissy and I'm too much. I'm boozy enough not to care and just relieved that he's finally arrived and that I can leave.

"The music, Jess's dog, laughter and chatter drowned out any street noise. I'm really sorry."

"I was yelling up to people on the balcony but nobody heard me."

"It's late. Everyone's pretty drunk."

"A few people still here?"

"Yeah and lots of beer."

"Okay now we're talking."

He smells like he's been enjoying the evening in other places and I hope that he's mellow enough that my friends like him. Not that he even has a chance. We're all very judgmental of each other's male choices and he has the odds stacked against him simply because of how he dresses and carries himself. We don't like arrogance and yet we all seemed to pick men who would be considered a little arrogant.

PIL and Jess are at the front door when we walk in and I'm forced to make introductions before he can put his backpack down. Feeling a little left out because of Travis rejection of me downstairs I move towards the kitchen to pack up the containers I brought, leaving PIL and Jess to swarm around him.

Travis and I had previously discussed what my friends did and didn't know about my life and what our stories to them would be. I knew he'd have no problem with it especially as he was being social with good people, those that held jobs and contributed to the upkeep of society. People he rarely interacted with. People he aspired to be accepted by.

When I look up from my chores everyone has dispersed and after a quick search I find Travis deep in conversation with James, sharing a joint on the balcony. I sigh not too sure if I'm happy at the sight or not. I'd actually wondered if he'd bolted before I found him on the balcony? I mean I could only imagine the types of questions that PIL and Jess had thrown at him. He'd have felt the inquisition.

PIL is telling dirty jokes in the living room with Jess encouraging her.

"Tell the one about the naked lady hailing a cab."

"I don't know..."

"Go on. Go on. You're so good with the actions" Jess coaxes her.

"I guess I could..."

PIL doesn't need any encouragement. She's drunk and she loves to tell that joke. She sees me passing by in the background.

"Nice one Marley!" she gives me the double thumbs up.

I'm guessing she's talking about Travis and blush. Everyone is looking at me and I hate being the centre of attention unless I command that attention. I walk away quietly and carry the cooler packed with empty containers down to the car and lock it in the trunk. I continuously check over my shoulder while I'm in the alley even though it's reasonably well lit with apartment windows facing it on both sides. Drug addicts and homeless people have moved into the alleys, sleeping in undercover parking lots and milling about with shopping carts hoping to find money or anything that could be turned into money. I feel the threat of evil. I know the humans capability for it so I'm always aware, my safety in the forefront of my mind. People are grabbed in broad daylight, why couldn't it happen to me? This was one area I had difficulty applying my "I've been good so it should never happen to me' blind faith. Strange people looked normal after all and we were all just steps away from being immortalized on an episode of Law & Order. I shiver in the cool summer evening breeze as it whips my skirt from side to side and I rub the hairs back down flat on my arms. I'm cold and tired.

I smoke a half joint I have in my pocket on the walk back to the apartment. Outside Jess's building a couple of local guys in basketball jerseys are recycling a futon base from beside the dumpster. As I get closer they stop discussing their moving strategies and the black guy turns to me.

"Hey there pretty lady, you think I can get a light?"

I can't help but notice that they could both do with a shower but it's not at that point of unattractive to me either. Standing under the backdoor light they both look reasonable I rationalize as I dig into my pocket instead of rushing to get back inside. The black guy definitely the cuter of the two, but without having to stand next to his darker skinned buddy pasty guy would be considered alright looking.

"Sure."

Funny how quickly we throw away values or standards we've set for ourselves for the sake of being nice or polite. I'm sure women who have been attacked would tell me that's exactly what they did too! I notice pasty guy stares at my chest the entire time they're trying to get their smokes lit and I'm reminded of the ogling type guy I had upstairs, alone, with my friends.

"Keep it!" I say over my shoulder as I flick my roach into the gutter and walk away.

"Thanks and hey, if you're not busy maybe we could grab a coffee?" pasty guy tries his hardest not to sound sleazy.

"I gotta get back to my party" I wave not turning back.

When I get back upstairs things have taken a turn for the worst and I find PIL passed out on the sofa and Travis explaining to a drunk and agitated Jess that her dog, Kaiser, a Rottweiler/German Shepherd mix would do well at the dogfights. Travis suddenly wrestles Kaiser to the ground and while the dog's not hurt we could all see he didn't like it. There's anger in Jess's eyes and I'm ready to beat Travis for showing a lack of consideration for me, let alone the host of the party and the occasion being attended. This was just perfect. All that giving I'd done and now I still had something to make up to Jess. She'd had a lot to drink but it wasn't going to be nearly enough to make her forget this little stunt.

I drag Travis off the dog, grab my handbag and his pack and lead him out by the arm because there's a traveler firmly clenched in his fist. He smiles and waves goodbye to everyone and I shake my head in silence, my eyes apologizing profusely to Jess

"Call me eh!" James says as he waves.

Travis nods and raises his beer at James.

"Good evening all!"

My face flushes because I'm horrified at the thought of Travis doing business with my friends and I'm silent for the entire ride home to Squamish, even when Travis pulls another beer from inside his jacket. Deep down, I couldn't care less what he did I was mostly annoyed because he's shown me almost no attention all night. Hello? Over here! What the fuck does it take? What did I do to deserve this? You were my date to my friend's party and yet I felt invisible and unimportant. My hands clench the steering wheel and my jaw is tense. The guy is cold, shallow and emotionally unavailable. I finally have to admit that to myself.

The lights are on in the grow room. It's warm and I feel happy. I should be living somewhere tropical. My body is more suited to the heat.

"Hello babies!' I call to the small plants.

They're coming along nicely and I spray them with water to make them glisten. Their leaves are so green. The artificial light makes them a different colour to outdoor plants. More photosynthesis I guess? Or a stronger light than the natural sun? Whatever it is it feels right to me to live among the plants.

Running water through the hose into the fifteen-gallon bucket I head upstairs quickly to roll a joint. Jasper talks for his dinner and I potter around changing into work clothes and use the bathroom. The TV is always on in the background so that the house doesn't feel so empty and as I sit down to roll up I'm fascinated by a story of a young Soho artist who for a year saved all of his garbage and cleaned it. He then created a grocery store complete with aisles, carts and a checkout area and displayed all his consumption for a year. The beer aisle was very busy and a pregnancy kit created a lot of questions. What a cool idea. What would my own personal grocery store consumption look like? Wine bottles for three quarters of the aisles and a small section of deli items, bread, candied salmon chunks, frozen berries, chocolate bars that would take up a whole aisle if not more, Starbucks tall drink containers, tuna, veggies, porridge sachets and dried nuts, seeds and fruits. And of course, a ridiculous amount of rolling paper packets.

Jasper continues to talk to me about his dinner requirements and I'm grumbling back at him about mine when I'm struck with the realization that I was doing something else at the same time as rolling the joint. I can't think what it was? I look over to the kitchen checking if the stove or oven is on? Nope. I wasn't running a bath...

"Fuck!"

I leap up which scares Jasper into silence and he scurries away into the corner of the room.

"Oh my god! Oh my god!"

I'm running in full panic mode as I fly down the stairs leaping three at a time, expecting to open the door to the grow room and see a fire or live electricity in water waiting to electrocute me with no way to reach the timing board. I throw the door back and look in.

"Holy Fuck! Shit! Fuck!"

The only things not swimming are the ballasts! I can't believe it! My shoulders drop slowly and the tension releases enough that I can take a couple of deep breaths. Fear has me rooted in one spot waiting for the adrenalin to slow. I'm so close to having 240 volts of live electricity in the garage and no option other than to run away and call the fire department. The hairs on my arms and on the back of my neck stand on end. I'm freaked out at my own ineptitude. I'm so stupid. This confirms it. I've joined the dumbest of the dumb.

Walking through water in my thongs to get to the tap I move each foot slowly not wanting to create waves. The last thing I need is to die in this room. My fingers reach frantically for the tap and I silently beg the water on the floor not to creep any closer to the ballasts.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"

I wind the tap back as quickly as I can although it feels like I'm all thumbs and it's taking a long time. Even once the tap is off the water continues to inch forward and I'm sweating as the humidity spikes. I walk carefully to the timing board and switch everything off. The silence is deafening. The outtake fan is always running even when the lights aren't so it's never this quiet. I wipe my brow with the back of my hand and slowly shuffle-walk to the door.

I open the door and leave it open as I run upstairs and get my headlamp. I throw Jasper in the yard and grab a can of Pepsi. Back in the grow room I grab a jug and scoop water from the full bucket dropping it into a smaller bucket. I stare at the buckets in the stream of light beaming from my forehead. I'm defeated and I really want to cry but I know it won't help.

I don't own a Wet Vac so I soak up the water with old dog towels and my arms are aching in no time. They're heavy from wringing the water out. I'm hot, my back aches, my hair is sticking to the side of my face and in the back of my mind I know that after I clean up the room I still have to water the plants. Not forgetting I have the added tasks of trying to regulate the humidity again and watching for mold on the plants. I want to go upstairs and smoke that joint but it'll have to wait until the concrete floor is free of water. The need to escape has cost me the time to escape.

Time has tainted my memory and I find myself back at The Barn for another night of frivolity. Travis and I are sitting in the living room with assorted folk, some I know others are newbies. The air is thick with blue smoke and empty beer cans are piling up on the table. The television is on but it's just another distraction in the corner, no one is really watching it. I stare at the huge pile of weed on the coffee table and I wonder why they always give it away when they need money? Darren and Sean's grow is Mickey Mouse. They have it in the smallest room in the house and use a hydroponic cage that's made from prefabricated plastic and is over six foot high to grow. Inside the cage there's about 4 ft x 4 ft space to move around in. Small scale grow operations are often less practical when it comes to the work involved but detection prevention is the first priority, everything else could be worked around. The product they grow is low in volume but it is salable. They're just not good business people.

"What have you been up to Marley?" Darren asks me out of nowhere.

I stop daydreaming but I'm blank.

"Uh..." I start to say and my voice crackles so I clear my throat, "Um... I caught up with some old friends this week.

I nod slowly and continuously at him hoping that's the end of it. Let's move on.

"Old friends..." he nods back at me slowly, "Girlfriends? You got any hottie friends Marley?"

Why does he keep saying my name? Are we having a private conversation amongst others or does he think other people aren't sure who he's talking to?

"Uh.. um... yeah I've got hottie friends. Of course! But they're all attached."

"Bummer!" Darren shakes his head.

I nod.

"Oh hey, you might have some thoughts on this?" I point at Darren "I was asking my friends about hairy dudes right? So if a dude is really hairy, like all down his back and big rug on the chest 'n all, does that mean he has double the pubic hair?"

"What did you just say Marley?" Sean calls out from where he's making food in the kitchen.

I roll my eyes. We all knew how these conversations went. Sean liked to yell. He would rather have the conversation between rooms than actually stop what he's doing and be closer to the person.

"I said, I was asking the girls at Thursday Coffee if a man were hairy all over his body, would his pubic area have twice as much hair?" I find myself yelling grudgingly.

Travis laughs and Darren lights up another joint. Sean laughs and comes into the living room.

"Oooh! That's funny stuff. But I wouldn't know. I'm not that hairy!" he says as he walks up to me.

"Don't lie. With your shirt off you look like an orangutan!" Darren laughs.

Sean chuckles and sits on the arm of the couch beside me.

"What's Thursday Coffee then? And why haven't you invited us?"

My smile fades as I look at him and see that he's serious. I search for Travis eyes. I need help. Travis has them closed as he sits back listening to the room and I try burning holes into him with my eyes, hoping that it will make him look at me. It doesn't work and I think I see him start to smile at the length of my pause before answering. Bastard!

"Ah um... it's just for girls. You know, like it's just my girlfriends and I..." I look around at everyone listening to me and worry I'm sharing too much "...and we get together for a drink and I dunno, crap on about our lives. We support each other, ya know... and tell our horror stories about the men in our lives" I laugh.

Shut up Marley! Be a fly on the wall. The goal is to be a fly on the wall. But I continue because my mouth has a mind of it's own.

"It can get pretty loud and there's always lots of laughing. But it's a 'no boys allowed zone' I'm afraid" I make inverted comma marks in the air.

I squeeze his thigh, forcing a smile. He looks disappointed and takes a long toke on the joint. Up close I notice that he's had a black eye recently and it's into the purple and yellow stages. I tilt my head to the side to study it and can see it wasn't an accident. Sadness overwhelms me. He passes the joint my way and I take a nice long drag. I'm so distracted by the depressing lifestyles that surround me, I don't even consider who might have had the joint before me? These guys were always scabby too. Yuck! I pass it to Travis quickly.

"Well" Sean squeezes my leg in response, "I have some good news..."

I nod at him.

"I got a milk run and... well, this Persian girl I'm seeing is coming into town in two days."

"Hey man, that's great."

I'm happy for the change in topic but heavily bummed about the joint still wiping my lips feverishly.

"Yeah, only problem is, I wish I had some money to take her out. I don't start my job until Monday..."

He's talking to the entire room but I shrink down in my seat as I read the same thought on everyone's face. 'Oh God here we go, he's looking for a handout.'

"So it's an early morning rise for you then, this Milk Run?" Travis says to Sean changing the subject.

"Yeah and you know how that junkie is in the morning. You've seen his grouchy, ugly ass. How's he ever gunna get up?" Darren helps Travis and they both laugh at Sean.

"Come on man, it'll be good for me. I have to be at work for 5am. I can do that! And besides I need the money, my daughter needs more stuff all the time."

The boys stay quiet and let him off easy when reminded of Katrina.

"I've got $20 I'll loan you" Darren says.

"Fuck thanks man."

"After you suck my dick!" Darren adds.

There's much laughing and the smell of burnt food infiltrates the room.

"Is there something in the oven Sean?" I nudge him.

"Shit!" he leaps up and runs to the kitchen.

Smoke billows into the living room and I fan my hand in front of my eyes pulling my t-shirt up over my mouth and nose. I tug at the bottom of my shirt because it's riding up showing my belly and I don't need that kind of attention in a room full of guys. Some guy I don't know in a Canadian Tire shirt gets up and goes out the back door and Travis chugs what's left of his beer. Sean comes back shaking his head.

"Ah the fucking pizza's gonna be bitter and crunchy tonight folks!"

Sean holds up a charred and still smoking black disc that was once a horrible frozen pizza.

"We better get delivery then," Darren sighs getting his phone out "Get us some more beers Sean."

"Anyone else?" Sean is happily obliging.

He has no money and if he wants some of Darren's pizza he knows he's going to have to work for it. All hands are raised seizing an opportunity to be waited on. Sean chuckles to himself and drops the burnt disc on the coffee table.

There's still a widespread backcountry ban in the province but we're as defiant as we were the last time we came out and we're hoping for the best as we move through the first barricade. I'm keen to tell the same story as last week if we're stopped but my fingers are crossed tight hoping that we have a clear run because I know the chances of it working twice are slim. I check my rearview mirror for company and while there's nothing there as I look ahead we round a bend where a Forestry truck is blocking the road. Damn you Lady Luck! Two guys jump out of the cab as I slowly roll up beside them. The older one, the driver, leans down to talk to us and I turn down the radio. I smile at the old guy channeling my innocent pretty girl persona and glance past him at the younger dude hovering in front of the car. What was he going to do? Physically stop the car if I tried to take off? They look more redneck than official forestry people but maybe that's just because they don't have uniforms on?

"What's your purpose for being out here?"

I say nothing and squint up at him covering my eyes with my hand to block the sun and see him better.

"You must have seen the signs that the backcountry is closed due to fire and you went around a barricade."

"Ummm..." I start.

"Yeah so we've got land at the 67 mile mark and we're up here building a cabin. We know we can't go in to work but we just want to get the generator" Travis leans across me.

"Where are you going to put it?" the Warden asks looking at the car.

Good question.

"We have an old truck on the property and I'm gonna drive it, with the generator and the few other items of value we have out here back to the house in Agassiz."

Whoa! Fuck! I'm impressed. Did he just come up with that at the spur of the moment?

"Sorry I can't let anyone in. And as you've known about the ban since last week and went around the barricade today I'm going to have to issue you a ticket."

Travis talks a good story but the old dude is pissed that we went around the barricade. Travis gets out of the car to talk to the guy one on one and opens his arms as if to show he's unarmed and to indicate we're all friends here.

"Awe com'on you know we're just trying to protect our things. We're just a young family trying to get going. You must have been there?"

The Fire Warden looks at Jasper and I through the windshield and I try to act as if I don't know what's happening. Funny how I couldn't know? I drove around the barricade after all. At my age I had to wonder if batting my eyelids was helping our situation or hurting it? The Warden scratches out a warning ticket in the name of Tyler Beck and we're sent on our way home. Tyler Beck is a variation of Travis name and I'm happy that my license plate doesn't appear on the ticket anywhere. I didn't need the cops showing up at my place simply because I was connected to this incident.

"Well that fucking sucks!" I exhale loudly.

"Sure does. It bites. Just another set back in this outdoor fiasco, I guess?" Travis chuckles trying to make light of our situation.

"What a fucking waste of time! The plants will be so dry and we spent money on gas and food for nothing. Damn you Mother Nature!" I laugh shaking my fist at the outdoors.

Travis looks down at the floor mat. Profits are dwindling in the woods but I'm secretly glad we don't have to water the plants today. I'm tiring of the drive, the work and the repetition. There are other things I could be doing.

"Can we stop in Hope an' grab a six-pack?" Travis asks in a low tone.

And there's the repetition!

"Sure my work gig fell through so I've got time" I smile at him.

"Panties! Ever noticed how if you use that word it makes a man shift a little?"

PIL sits up straight and Jess puts her phone down on the table in front of her.

"Most guys get turned on just hearing the word. Panties. Practice it with me ladies. Come on. Panties."

"What?" PIL looks at Jess.

"Try dropping the word into conversation. It has a weird effect on people. Like it's a swear word, ya know? Pan-t-i-e-e-es!"

"Are you serious Marley?" Jess dabs at the corners of her eyes

"Uh-huh. Try it. Or even go one step further if you like and carry yesterday's panties in your handbag underneath your wallet and phone, as if you just stayed out on a whim. Every time you open your bag to get your money out; at lunch, on the bus, the nail salon, wherever, those panties will be of interest!" I put my head down and sip my hot chocolate.

PIL chokes on her tea and coughs frantically trying to rid her throat of liquid.

"Wrong hole?"

PIL nods smiling through the pain and I rub her back gently.

"Marley you crack me up!" Jess smiles "If I were to put underwear in my handbag they'd take up half the bag! I'd be forever pulling them out."

Jess shakes her head and puts her hand on my shoulder as she gets up on her way to the bathroom. It makes me feel good to know she's not holding Travis's engagement party comments against me. She obviously remembered that I was the good friend who was there for the whole thing. AND that I brought all of the food!

I look over at PIL. Her hair's greasy and she looks tired.

"Are you okay?"

She looks at me quickly.

"Yeah why?"

"Oh I just thought you looked heavy of heart."

"Yes, always lately" she speaks quietly nodding and staring at the coffee table between us.

Jess rushes back from the bathroom phone in hand.

"Shit! I gotta go. There's some last minute meeting with one of the head headhunters. This was not the morning to be having my 'doctors appointment' in Edgemont damn it!" she winks grabbing her bag and throwing it over her shoulder.

PIL and I stand up quickly ready to follow. I smooth out my pants and PIL slugs back her tea in big gulps holding the strap of her bag.

"Oh you guys stay. I'm just sorry I have to bolt."

"Nah. We should get moving anyway" I push up behind Jess and follow her out.

PIL unlocks her bike and we wave to the back of Jess's car as she drives away, her arm waving out of the window like royalty as she goes. I lean on my car door while PIL fastens her bike helmet beside me.

"Where are you going now?" she asks loudly making me jump.

"To get a hair cut, colour. You know, a refresh."

"Nice. Look at my nails they're fucked! I'd love to be getting some pampering in today."

"You could come with me? They have a couple of nail ladies. It'll be fun."

"It's tempting but nah, I should wait to see Viarni next week. But so, okay, let's see, you'll be like what? A couple of hours?"

"Mmmm... more like three I'd say. Virani? That's the name of your nail person?"

"Uh huh" PIL looks at me blankly "He's Vietnamese or Indian? I can't remember. Well I'm going to the library downtown. Wanna meet me at my place say... " she checks her watch, "Around 2pm?"

"That sounds good. But hey, Vietnamese and Indian people are quiet different looking. What do you mean you don't remember? That's like saying I can't be sure if what I saw was an elephant or a mouse!" I laugh. "And what's going on there? You have a male nail person?"

"Um yes. He's great. He's very gentle. And let's see..." she's looking up as if trying to remember something, "he's got Asian looking eyes and dark skin. So what do you think? You tell me. Indian or Vietnamese?"

"Hmmm you're right. It sounds like I need to see him. This 'gentle' man" I smirk. "Maybe I'll come with you next time you go and I'll get my nails done too?"

PIL gives me a thumbs up while putting her earphones in. She taps the back of my car with her hand and rides off into the traffic, throwing me a peace sign. She has a great ass from this angle! I should get on my bike more often.

PIL smells recently showered and is in a good mood when I arrive. I pull the cork out of an Australian Sav Blanc and pour us each a large glass. It's early but not too early.

"Cheers big ears!"

PIL nods and takes a large sip, exhaling loudly as she swallows.

"Mmmm that's nice. I'm feeling that warm glow already."

I notice my big gulps have me half a glass ahead of PIL and I try to slow down by putting my drink down and studying my new hair in the mirror. Turning from side to side I search for better light. But there is none. My hair looks shit! My shoulders slump forward and I poke my tongue out at myself. I've never liked my hair as soon as it's cut but that could simply be my aversion to change?

"A good hat is the only thing that can save me."

PIL puts a bowl of chips and a bowl of nuts on the table and sits crossed legged on the couch.

"It looks good Marley. You'll like it better when you've styled it yourself. I'm the same."

I shrug sure she's just being nice but I know I need to stop whining about it.

"How was your ride today?"

"Good. Yeah I feel great. I got a lot done today" she nods smiling, "hey lets have some fun on the computer."

PIL sets up the webcam so we can creep some dating websites and chat rooms. I'd done it with her once before and I found it weird to be able to look directly into the homes of other people in real time like you're there. And weird too that people, strangers essentially, invite you all the way in. If you were standing on their doorstep knocking on the door you'd never get that far.

"I gotta pee!" I giggle jumping up before we connect to anyone.

Dating sites and chat rooms have a sleaziness about them because everyone is trying too hard to appear slick. They're too cool. I like to look past the people into the background, their personal backgrounds. PIL does the chatting and I take in all the things they're not telling us. Walking back into the living room I can see PIL is talking to some guy. I walk closer but stay far enough away that I'm off camera. The guy's in his bedroom and it looks like his mom made his bed. It's perfect. The bed has serious hospital corners, there's not a crease in the blankets and there are copious amounts of pillows. It's a total turn off and he's a hot guy too, he even has his shirt off for the chat. But PIL doesn't seem to mind his anal side because there's way more giggling coming from her than talking. I reach for the wine bottle behind me when there's suddenly silence. I look back at the screen and he's gone. I look over at PIL.

"What happened?"

PIL's following her computer cables with her eyes to make sure everything is plugged in.

"I don't know. That's never happened before," she shrugs, "everything is plugged in and I'm still online so it's not from my end. I thought I heard a knock at a door off camera somewhere and he smiled and said 'Bye' and was gone?"

She presses escape and we are back to looking at ourselves on the computer screen.

"Ooohhh I wish I'd seen it. Girlfriend or the wifey home ya think?"

"Yes maybe? It's a shame 'cos' he was nice too. I was starting to crush on him Marley."

I raise an eyebrow at PIL.

"Starting to? You were a giggling mess. By the way what went wrong with Yoga boy?"

She smiles.

"Nothing. Yet! But you know me, still plenty of time to get clingy and needy."

I smile back at her. She still blames herself for the breakup with Justin. She could have done and become everything he wanted but it wouldn't have fixed their broken relationship. He just wasn't right for her. PIL's drunk and I'm not far from it so we shut down things on the Internet and I go to the toilet. I get back to the living room to find PIL holding her phone out in front of her making pig noises into it. She snaps the phone shut and throws it onto the couch guzzling more wine.

"Who ya talking to? Or should I say, snorting at?"

"I was practicing a call to Porky Pig!"

PIL sits down hard and lies back on the floor and I catch her wine glass as it falls from her hand.

"Whoa that was close!" she laughs.

She'd forgotten she was holding it. I can see how tired she is so I'm not surprised. I'm worried about her. She and Justin had been together three years and it was a total shock when the relationship fell apart. He just moved out one day when she was at work. The asshole didn't even leave a note. Only months later did we learn that he had actually moved in with another woman, and that the relationship with PIL was really over long before it was over. PIL picks up the phone and jumps up.

"Okay I'm ready. Let's do this!"

"PIL listen..."

"Ssshhhhhhhh." she cuts me off.

"You probably shouldn't. You're drunk."

"So?"

"Well we should eat something."

I look at my phone. It's only 7pm. She puts the phone on speaker and dials *67 and his number so that he can't see that it's us on call display.

"PIL..."

Justin answers on the second ring and I'm silent, my heart thumping faster knowing we're doing the wrong thing.

"Hello could I speak to Lucy please?"

PIL tries her best old lady Scottish accent, cracking at first.

"Sorry I think you've got the wrong number."

"Oh rilly? R ye sure young man?"

"Yes, there's no-one here by that name."

I notice he's being very polite and feel a little guilty. Does he think it's her? He must. This can't be the first time that she's called him.

"Oh rilly? Cos I'd hird thet you only lay down with the Lucy Goosy Gals ye dirty bastard!" and she hangs up laughing.

I cringe. He'd know PIL's laugh for sure. He'd know it was her anyway because no one else needed to crank call him, especially not using bad jokes about being with loose women. She hadn't really thought these calls through.

"We should hit Jess!"

She's excited, as if she's accomplished something and is on a roll.

"I don't think that's a good idea. It's early and we're likely to have Jess pick up and yell at us."

Besides I don't want to tell PIL I'm tired and getting sick of being the supportive accomplice. I want to get high and mellow out to sleep. I have my own pain and drama and I'd like to wallow in my own pity while we're drunk. I roll up a joint ad PIL heads into the kitchen.

"Want some nachos?"

"Yeah sure" I'm keen.

Licking the joint and twisting the ends of the paper I follow her. I'm always on cheese. PIL is scared of the grater and if I don't want huge chunks of cheese semi-melted on individual corn chips then I get up to help.

"What happening with you anyway? How's Travis?" her head's in the fridge.

I pretend not to hear. I'd hoped to avoid this conversation all day and had managed it so far, even through Thursday Coffee. I turn up the volume on the computer for ELO's "Evil Woman" and pour PIL another glass of wine as she dumps the cheese, jalapenos and salsa on the counter.

"It's all good."

I look past her at the oven.

"We should turn that on" I point at the oven , "Grater and block of cheese please."

I hold my hand out waiting to be given these things while reaching into the cupboard for a chopping board.

"Thank you."

I manage to grate skin-free cheese and once the nachos are smothered in cheese and jalapenos PIL puts them in the oven and turns to me.

"So Travis? How's that?"

I twist my hips, my feet rooted to the floor.

"Yeah it's fine. I've been seeing him quite a bit. It's nothing serious though. Why do you ask?"

"I dunno. He's just different you know, to what I thought you liked? I mean he's not like Evan much" PIL shrugs.

My friends liked Evan only marginally more than Travis. And we were together more than six years.

"Variety is the spice of life!" I try to justify my choice in men.

"That's true. But not really if you're sitting on the couch simply changing channels and not actually taking a walk."

"Where did that come from?"

"I dunno Marley. I just thought if you ever broke up with Evan it would be to trade up."

I smell burning.

"How's the food PIL?"

"Shit! The ovens still on high!" she spins around reaching for mitts, "I'd say we probably nuked the shit out of them."

I open the kitchen window quickly. We've been here before. The smoke alarm will go off if she doesn't put our burnt food near the window. PIL rips the nachos from the oven and they're barely recognizable as a food although the smell of burnt cheese permeates the room.

"Damn it! I guess we're having less cheese than we thought. I used more than half the block on that lot.

I get the grater out of the sink and rinse it starting the next lot of cheese while she disposes of our charcoal. PIL gets another bag of corn chips out and spreads them on a new tray.

"Fuck!" I pull my hand away from the grater quickly.

"What's happened?"

"I grated my nail into the cheese."

"More protein in this lot then. So as long as we don't burn them they'll be awesome!" PIL's happy regardless.

"It's worse than that. I lost some skin too."

"Oh gross."

She leans over me and begins digging in the cheese.

"You'll never find it PIL. It'll just be that piece of cheese that doesn't melt well or that bite that tastes extra salty."

"Awe yuck Marley!"

"You've had dick in your mouth PIL, I don't think a little piece of my skin could be any worse than that?"

"Oh Marley! That's gross!" she grins.

We both fall about laughing. I put the nachos in the oven and sit back on the couch keeping my hand in the air with a bloodied tissue wrapped around the end of my grated finger. PIL refills my glass, changes the song on the computer and dances around in front of me.

"Get up Marley. You love this song."

She grabs my arm but I go limp. She keeps pulling at my arm but I just sit there emotionless and I can't stop yawning. I'm squinting. I think the wall clock says 8.45pm?

"What time did we put that last lot of nachos in?"

"Oh crap!" PILs jaw drops, she jumps over the coffee table and reefs open the oven door.

"There's less smoke this time!" I say cheerfully.

"They're ready!" she sings back to me as if in a musical.

PIL carries fresh salsa from Capers in her other hand and as she sets the nachos on the coffee table I grab the salsa from her and open the lid. We hungrily snatch up bigger portions of nachos than we normally would because there's been so much anticipation surrounding the food and we eat in silence as Fiona Apple belts out her tune "Shadow Boxer" from the computer speakers. It's tinny sounding but we're not waking the neighbours.

Our plates are near clean and PIL is licking the last of the sauce off hers when lie back on the couch. I'm stuffed. I ate way too quickly and way too much. The song changes to Stevie Nicks singing 'Golddust Woman' live and PIL jumps up swaying and holding her fist to her mouth.

"Well did she make you cry?

Did she make you break down?

Well tell me, is it over now,

Do you know how?

To pick up the pieces and move on?" PIL sings.

She walks around the apartment and continues to sing to the windows facing the alley. From behind it looks like a music video in the making, all silhouetted and moody. I know she has tears streaming down her face. I can hear it in her voice. I roll over and cover myself with a blanket. We should have gone out tonight!

Informers were responsible for the RCMP in Creston Valley, discovering and harvesting ten different marijuana plots on crown land The Province newspaper reports. The plots each held thirty plants, one hundred and fifty plants, seventy plants etc. Nothing much. Small time growers for sure! Probably not planted far enough out and easily discovered by hikers. Travis has five hundred plants out in Hope and that number would've easily been doubled if he hadn't lost so many to car accidents and the elements. The article says nothing of charges against anyone growing but someone would be sorely disappointed all of those plants were gone.

I put my arms up on the sides of the booth and exhale as I spread my fingers out on the fabric. I love the feeling of the red velvet seat. It's seen better days and it's certainly seen it's fair share of spills of god knows what but it's still nice to sit on. It's warm and cosy. Comfortable. Homey. Even chic. I look down at my clothes and don't feel fashionable enough for the environment. In a black skirt just above the knee with my boys Gap denim jacket, white v-neck t-shirt, pale blue linen scarf and black patent leather slides. I realize don't try to hard to get male attention, or any attention for that matter. Not with my clothes anyway.

"I love this booth. It's soft and welcoming. I can see why the booth seat is so popular in dining scenes in movies."

I run my arm up and down the fabric some more.

"Yeah it's pretty cool. They don't make 'em like this anymore" Travis looks on either side of him at the fabric "they're more like the Shark Club now you know, those 'uber trendy' low booths where the seats are cold vinyl `and unwelcoming. Modernism meets minimalism. Not designed for comfort."

I nod and look him up and down. It's Sunday afternoon and we're having a pint at the Railway Club. He's wearing his standard shirt and jeans ensemble with the closed toe version of only two pairs of dress shoes he owns. He fits in better than I do although his look isn't original. I look around the room while the band sets up behind him. There are Rockers standing at the bar and I'm guessing the looks like the music will be Rockabilly. The band have a mix of eclectic dress and hairstyles and the bass player has a thick piercing through the bottom of his nose that looks like a bullring, sitting on top of his handlebar moustache. A couple in their thirties standing by the bar are dressed as though they've stepped straight out of the 1950s. She in her poodle skirt and a red ribbon in her hair, he with his hair slicked back and shirtsleeves rolled high. It must have taken some time to do the curls in her fringe and I'm fascinated that he's comfortable dressing the part. They're keen to dance and I'm excited. Live music is always good but there's going to be a show too.

Travis excuses himself for what I assume is a visit to the bathroom. I hate sitting alone. I don't want any attention and always feel as though everyone is watching me, particularly because they want to find a seat and I'm sitting at and perceivably hogging a table for two. I sip my beer and run my eye along the prospects at the bar. Is there anyone here more interesting to me than Travis? I'm sure this is what he does all of the time. He frequents the same haunts and if someone catches his eye he swoops in. Like a spider, sitting, waiting, watching knowing that eventually someone will fall into the web. I don't see anyone worth leaving the web for.

Travis slides back into the booth across from me and pours me another glass of beer before emptying what's left in the jug into his glass. He's already had two glasses to my one so I know he's trying to make sure I get enough. I did buy the jug after all.

"So I'm watching that very hot redhead on CSI the other night, eh? And she throws out a line that keeps me thinking for hours. Usually it's her body in those tight pants that do that," Travis laughs brushing his hair forward with his hand.

"Uh-huh" I smile and raise my eyebrows at his comments.

"Anyway the foxy chick's investigating the murder of a woman and is interrogating the deceased's boyfriend at the crime scene right? So she says to the guy, 'Who was with you in the apartment last night?' He says 'I was alone' and then she asks, 'Can anyone verify that?' Now is it just me or if there's someone that can verify the man was all alone then wouldn't that be a lie, as a man alone cannot possibly have anyone else to verify it or he wouldn't be alone. Right?"

"That's very true" I nod.

"Yeah I thought it was pretty good," he shrugs and folds his arms across his chest, quite proud of himself.

"Must have been high when it struck you, huh?" I take a playful dig at him.

"No I wasn't actually. I'd had a few beers. But I wasn't drunk either!" he adds a little defensively.

I feel bad for taking the dig. I like the way he thinks and I was only kidding. But as usual the words were out before I could stop them.

"What about if the guy was being watched? Then there could be someone who could verify he was alone."

"True" he nods, "But he wouldn't know there was a witness, would he?"

"No you're right" I smile at him.

I touch his sleeve worried that I've pissed him off and the drummer starts smacking the skins, the music drowning out any further conversation we may have had. I'm annoyed that I annoyed him. I look around me as I sit back in my chair. The room has filled up and it's getting warm. I take my jacket off and throw it over the top of the booth. The crowd is mixed and older, and it looks like someone's celebrating a birthday. The overhead lights have been dimmed and the stage lights emit a blue and red light glow. The bear of a guy with the bullring, cowboy shirt and black felt hat is plucking the strings on the bass and his performance commands attention. He's fantastic. There's something so attractive about people who can share and express their passion. The crowd goes wild clapping loudly after his solo and I join them wholeheartedly. Travis nods his appreciation for the performance.

People get up gradually to dance alongside the rockers who make it look easy moving effortlessly around the floor. I bop around in my seat watching them. I watch Travis cringing at the thought of me asking him to dance so I don't ask. He doesn't offer. He lacks impulsiveness and the beer is making me feisty. The music gets faster and the song reaches a crescendo and finishes soon after. The lights come up half way and the band put their instruments down for a break.

"What's going on with us?" I ask quickly leaning across the table.

He stares at me confused laughing and looks over his shoulder. He's hoping the band aren't having a long break. When he turns back I'm still looking at him expectedly.

"This again Marley? How did we get here? We were having a good day, a pint and some live music..." Travis shakes his head, supposedly bewildered.

I stare eyes wide looking for an answer. He stares back silently and I look away.

"I never know what we're doing."

"Weren't we just enjoying the music and the atmosphere?" letting out a large sigh he stops just short of rolling his eyes.

I shrug.

"I'm bored with this. I'll get us another jug" he stands up and walks away.

He's bored with it?! Me too! Why can't he just say that he's lame and he's trying to be nice rather than hurt my feelings? Pay your mates to tend your garden and let me be free of you I want to say. But that'll never happen. I'm his best solution and there's no way he'll suggest he could finish the grow without me even if I suggest it to him.

The band begins the next song and I sit back in the booth watching Travis pour himself a beer. He looks up and signals to me asking if I want another drink? I probably shouldn't. I don't want to argue but I also know if we leave here we're not going on to anywhere else together, so I nod and smile. A couple who look to be in their early sixties are standing near our booth. The lady looks tired. Maybe bored? She's interested in the music but her guy isn't about to dance with her. He looks like he might break a hip. I feel sorry for them not having seats and gesture to the lady when she looks in my direction.

"You want to sit down," I yell with my hand open offering the empty couple of seats in our booth as I move closer to Travis.

She shakes her head no.

"Really we have plenty of room. It's up to you."

Travis nods. He knows we wont argue in front of them.

"Thank you" she turns back to the old dude pointing at our booth.

The lady signals that they're going to join us and as the old guy sits down he looks visibly relieved to be sitting. I take a sip of my beer and now that I can see how old the guy actually is I hope I'm not called on to resuscitate. There must be nearly twenty years between them. I smile at her and wonder what the attraction was? I couldn't see how twenty or even thirty years earlier he would have looked any different?

The band stops for another break Travis jumps up heading towards the bathroom. I see him pull his phone out of his pocket as he strides away and imagine he's teeing up his next destination on his Sunday pub-crawl. The lady at the table leans in towards me.

"Great music. Thanks for the seats."

I nod.

"You're welcome."

Her guy pulls his wallet out and gets up and walks to the bar.

"Did you come specifically to see them play?" I point towards the stage where band members are now drinking and chatting with audience members.

She nods blowing her nose. I nod too, happier that we gave fans of the band seats.

"We come here from time to time but we just lucked out with the band" I shrug "Could've been anyone and I would have been happy."

"When Ken and I were first dating we stopped at this pub. And then, for our Twentieth Anniversary we came back and this band was playing that night. So when I saw they were playing again here, we couldn't resist. I couldn't resist."

"Very cool" I smile at her like we're old friends.

"Is he your partner?" she nods in the direction of Travis empty seat.

I look at the empty seat and frown.

"Ummm... yeah. Well yes and no. I think so?" I laugh embarrassed, bringing my hand up to cover my teeth and gummy smile.

She pulls back as if taking me all in, looking at me quizzically.

"Really?"

I know exactly what she's saying with that one word. I'm better than my current choices.

"It's new" I'm quiet because I'm making excuses.

I look down and pick at my middle finger nail once I see that it's chipped.

"Not that you need it I'm sure but my advice would be that if you want family find someone who wants family too. I never had children."

I look at her warm smile. It's in contrast to how serious she was only seconds before and she pats my hand quickly.

"Did you want children?" I venture carefully.

I'm still having trouble reading her. She nods back at me.

"I did. At one time I thought I'd have a family. But I met Ken... and he was older, and he had already had a family and I was in my late thirties... so we decided not to."

She's talking with regret. It's hard to hear but it's obvious that that's her reason for the direction of our chat. I look up as Ken places a new glass of white wine in front of her.

"Don't get me wrong I'm happy."

Ken sits back down and looks bored. I'm blank. I don't know what to talk to him about so I smile a fake smile. Travis saunters towards us. He's been gone for a long time and wonder why? The lady leans over and rubs my arm.

"I am happy. I just wish I'd realized earlier that casting aside my own needs for love would mean I'd miss some of life's greatest experiences."

She smiles at Travis as he sits down and he looks away quickly. He can tell we've been talking about him. The band kicks off again and I rub his leg under the table with my hand. He doesn't pull away but doesn't look at me either. He's cold. There's obviously no one here he's trying to screw including me and the old people are probably cramping his style. I watch them as they get up to dance for one of the slower songs and while they don't talk its obvious he has a lot of respect for her. There's so much in their body language. The music is fantastic. If I'd been with any guy who wasn't afraid of the possibility of appearing uncool it would have been a great afternoon.

"They're good dancers!" I point to our new friends.

Travis is sculling the last of his beer. He nods filling his glass again burping quietly. He covers his mouth but I can still smell beer and garlic. I wonder what he had for dinner last night? And who he had with? I finish what's left in my glass and I marvel at the rockers dancing. They look happy. They're having fun. Our new friends return to the table looking tired. As Ken falls down heavily on his seat I look up and smile at him. I turn to Travis and he jerks his head to the left quickly, indicating he wants to leave. I look at the table confused. There's still a quarter jug of beer, I've got some beer in my glass and his is half full. We were having fun and the band's good. I'm disappointed. I stand up and raise my eyebrows at my new friend. I don't know how many drinks I've had but I'm agreeable to leaving so I can't have had too many.

"The table's all yours" I smile and shrug.

She smiles and raises a hand at me in thanks and turns back to watch the band. Ugh! I know she's right. Travis just proved it right in front of her.

It's late afternoon and Milestones in Yaletown is busy. Jess and I decided to end our day of shopping with a couple of drinks. We wandered up and down Robson Street and in The Bay we sprayed on all the perfumes, sending a lady on the escalator into a coughing fit.

"I really like that scarf you bought" I gush wishing she hadn't liked it because I would have bought it otherwise.

"Mmm it is nice. I like the jacket a lot more. What a steal that was! Only $85."

"Yes it was a bargain. I'm happy with my new pants too."

"I like that cut on you" Jess nods, "Makes your ass look good. And they're the right length. No cut off frayed look for that pair."

I pick up the menu and browse the desserts.

"I showed Travis my list" I look at her over the top of the menu.

"What? Seriously? He knows about your list?" Jess is too loud and everyone around us looks up.

"Shush!" I grumble looking over my shoulder, "No. He was actually allowed to peruse my list."

"Really? Why'd you show him your list?"

"I dunno?" I shrug.

"It can't be good for a guy to know how many people you've been with, can it? Especially when it's as many as you!" she giggles.

"Or can it?" I wrap my fingers on the table as if I'm hatching a plan.

"Did you put the girls on there too?"

"Yeah, they're there. I mean it's just my list right?"

Jess nods. I'm talking too much.

"I guess... Still don't get it though? How could him knowing that be good?"

"I wanted him to know that he really was only a small part of those that made up my life's experience and that he could just as well be a number. I dunno? I'm so pissed at him some days that I lose my mind in anger."

She nods at me.

"Are you angry because he's not giving as much as you?" Jess prods.

I knew she wasn't impressed with Travis.

"Uh-huh. I guess?"

"I could tell things were frosty at my engagement party Marley."

I lean into my glass of wine hoping the interrogation will shift elsewhere, especially now that the vibe is kind of chilly. I sit back and look at Jess as she sips her Caesar. She still hadn't appreciated all my efforts with the food at her party. And we were always supportive of her choices even though we knew James was an asshole. Why couldn't she just let the thing with Travis run its course? Being non-judgmental didn't always guarantee me the same in return. My phone rings on the table breaking my train of thought. I look at the display checking caller ID.

"It's Travis."

I hope I sound more casual than excited. Because I'm excited he's calling, and that he's calling while I'm out being social. I was actually busy. Not pretending to be busy.

"Go ahead and get it if you want?" Jess shoves another Thai drumette into her mouth, stripping it to the bone instantly.

Her eyes look past me exaggeratedly looking around for a server and I know that she could care less about him. Another drink is all she's focused on. I watch the call go to voicemail. I'm bummed but also elated. I always answer and that makes me too available. Problem is, now I have to call back. How do you call back but appear busy? I kick myself. I should've answered. I already knew that Jess wasn't really digging this guy though so I didn't want to talk to him in front of her. And being tipsy I knew deep down it wasn't a good time to talk to him anyway. Resentment could rear its ugly head any time.

"I'm not sorry, I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me." I sing along to Madonna's song 'Human Nature' playing through the speakers above our head.

"What d'you think about music from the 80s being popular again right now?"

"Hmmm..." Jess starts because she has a drumette in her mouth.

I wait while she chews and swallows.

"It's okay I guess. I'm not getting out to the clubs much right now to care ya know?" she smiles and winks at me.

"Oh, I really do hate you, you lucky thing. What are you trying to tell me, you're getting it so often that you don't have time to do much else?"

"Uh-huh," she nods at me, still eating and grinning.

"Bastards!" I mutter and we laugh together.

"Hey how's PIL doing?' Jess's suddenly serious.

I shrug.

"Oh you know her, she's a tough cookie. She's trying to hold it together. I just dread the day we see Justin with someone else at a bar or club."

"Oh yeah! That'll be bad."

I stare at the grease around Jess's mouth. Bad. I know what else is bad. Why doesn't she wipe it?

"Maybe you and your honey and I should drag her out for a little dancing one night? You know, I think she just has too much time to think, and of course she over-thinks things, just like the rest of us."

"Yes, a night with a good man and a sex swing is all that girl needs to forget what's-his-nuts!" Jess's laugh becomes a snort.

Both of us laugh uncontrollably at her snort.

"So I guess things with James have changed then Jess?"

"Mmmm... not exactly, but he did start my motor last night."

I throw my hands up in front of my face.

"Ugh! No! I don't need to think about that."

And I really didn't. Over the years I'd seen Jess go through a number of men. Most one night stands. Some interesting, some unavailable and some she stalked. I've lived with her too so I've actually heard her having a good time and some things were already too hard to forget.

The fog is low on the ground when I walk into the plot and it's after 10am. It's fucking cold and I'm tense. What the hell am I doing out here? I must be an idiot to have signed on for this. And even more of an idiot for having volunteered. It's been nearly three weeks since we've been out here and while the backcountry is open to the public again the trees are thinning and the weather is shifting. The water I'm scooping out of the creek is cold, really cold and the routine has me feeling down. I hate being cold. The sun is struggling to break through the clouds and I'm already looking forward to a bag of grease from a fast food joint on the way home. And a beer! We're going to need more than a six-pack this afternoon Travis!

The cabin owners are using their cabins as base camp while they move the herd of cattle around the land and hunters are also appearing in RV's all along the logging roads. The seasons are changing and so is the landscape. Detection is more likely than ever. Jasper and I head down the hill five hours after we begin and Travis joins us on dark nearly an hour after that.

"Gee it's late. I thought we'd be done earlier today?" I mumble.

"Yeah. Sorry. I got held up and lost track of time, and because I'm working the best plot I'm trying harder for maximum yield."

"I don't think there's much more in it. Do you?"

I look at the sky and back at him. He looks me in the eye for the first time in a long time.

"Yeah. We'll be harvesting in the next few weeks for sure."

"Weeks? Fuck. This thing can't be over soon enough."

"I know. I agree. Next visit or the one after for sure. I just have to check the weather."

What a fucking chore! Any entertainment or educational value has been lost due to drama and disaster, not to mention that some of the plants would never flower before the frost and snow fell. What was once a money patch was now more of a clean up and recovery mission. And it was going to be a more arduous task than the watering.

The first twenty minutes in the car on the way home I crank up the heat to try and warm up. Jasper pants like a madman. Poor dog! Travis and I both changed into dry clothes but there's still plenty of moisture in the air so the demister is working overtime. It's hard to see out. The drive is quiet and the change in weather from three weeks ago has both of us down.

"Beer?" Travis holds up a Budweiser.

"Yes please."

He cracks the top off and hands it to me.

"Cheers! To the end being in sight," he laughs and shivers as we charge bottles.

"Cheers!" I smile squinting trying to see where we're going through the small clean spot on the windshield.

On a straight stretch of road I take a sip. Tipping my chin up quickly so I can still see where I'm going. The beer hits the blood in my legs and I feel myself getting warmer. It's been a long cold day and I wish I didn't have to drive all the way home.

"So the boys want to know if all girls have lists?" Travis asks casually between sips of beer.

"You told those idiots about my list?"

I'm annoyed but knew it was possible when I told him.

"Well, not exactly. I said I knew a chick who kept a list of guys she'd been with. I didn't say it was you."

He's lying. He lies a lot. It would be bad for us to have an argument right now and he knows I'm tired. I look at him sideways for a moment.

"Eyes on the road" he says quickly and laughs.

"Did you say how many people I had on it?"

"No. Of course not and like I said, they don't know it's you."

I stay quiet for a minute. I know I shouldn't be making a fuss because I brought this on myself.

"Puh! They know it's me. And no. Not all women keep lists. At least not all of my friends."

"Huh."

"Do men keep lists? Notches on the belt so to speak?" I ask knowing the answer.

"No because there are some you just don't want to remember!"

He laughs and opens another beer. He holds a finger up in the air to indicate he has something to add.

"Besides we hate paperwork!" he laughs more heartily.

"Yes. Guys are the worst for keeping records or phone numbers."

I dig him in the ribs at exactly the same time he take s a sip and he struggles not to spit the beer out.

"So were you bothered by my list?"

"No," Travis looks at me and wipes his chin "Why?"

"Just that it came up as a topic of conversation around your friends."

"Are the women on it?" he asks smiling mischievously.

"Uh-huh." I smile back, "But you've seen it, you should know."

"I know. I forgot most of it already. See how we forget?"

And as soon as the words are out of his mouth he cringes.

"I thought you said, you want to forget those that don't mean anything to you?"

"I did. I'm sorry I forgot what your list looks like I just didn't feel the need to remember it," Travis shrugs.

"Could you name all of the people you've slept with?" I ask him quietly.

"Marley" he uses that stern voice to convey that I'm being rude or inappropriate by asking and drinks some more of his beer.

"Well?"

I'm annoyed at his deliberate avoidance of the issue but deep down I already know the answer.

"Probably not" he laughs.

OCTOBER

"Hi Marley."

"Karlene! Heeeeeey you! Oh my god it's been too long!"

"How are you?"

Her voice has a warmth and sincerity to it that I'd forgotten about.

"Great baby. Awe I haven't heard from you in such a long time! It's so good to hear your voice."

"You too. Hey listen Marl, we're having a party for the end of race season and I want you to come up. Can you? Can you? Can you? Pleeeeeeeeease."

I laugh. She sounds like a kid who wants a toy.

"Ummm... I guess.... yeah it should be okay. When is it anyway? And how was your season?"

"The season was great. It's on Saturday night.

"Shit! Saturday? This Saturday? Seriously?"

"Yes but my love life needs help. I need you to come the party with me. You'll play with me and you know people Marley! Come on it'll be fun. Drinks at mine before."

She giggles and I know she desperately wants a wingman.

"I see. So there are several guys crushing on your juicy bits then?" I ask knowingly.

"You could say that" she squeals.

I'm relieved. It could have been the opposite where she wanted some guy and we were going to have to follow around after him all night. I'd already been there with her years back when we lived in Whistler. It was an experience I had no desire to repeat.

Karlene's a hot chick with a soft and needy side who races mountain bikes. She's one of the older girls on the circuit but she's got the skills and the guys give her plenty of respect for that. The fact she still fits into her race gear from when she was a teen champion doesn't hurt either! If she could compete against the men she would. There was some upset a few years back when a woman, who'd had a sex change was racing in Karlene's division. The idea that the woman she competed against used to be a man and had male muscle development and a life of testosterone, made it feel as though it was an unfair race. Unable to deny the woman the opportunity to compete, Karlene stepped up her training and made sure she beat her at every opportunity. And when she did, it only fueled her desire to race the guys.

As much as I want to help her juggle guys while we get gloriously drunk, I'm worried Evan will be there. He raced downhill for years until he shattered his ankle and he's still connected to those that do. He's the reason I met Karlene and the last thing I need is to run into him at a party while both of our emotions are still running high. Peace is required to get our debt paid and that can be hard to maintain because I never know what will set him off. We've managed to avoid each other living separately in the same house for a few months and it helps that he has his own entrance to the suite at the side of the house where I have no windows. So it'll unnerve me to see him in a social setting. I'll be trying to exude that I don't care about him being at the party while staring and searching to see if he's with someone. And if I see that he is then I'll be sizing her up and feeling shitty. I'll get angry with him appearing so interested in her and how many years he spent ignoring me and flipping me to the side. I actually dreaded the thought of seeing him.

"How's things with Jess?"

"Jess? She seems to be putting on a little weight and I've wondered about a possible pregnancy to be honest?"

"Really?" she gasps, "How fat?"

Karlene liked Jess but they were different people. I knew Karlene would doubt Jess's ability to be a good parent.

"Double her size summer of '96. And I'm only guessing about a baby because she and her fella have been trying. Then again maybe she's just bloating up over the stress of the wedding?"

"Oh she's getting married? So she's happy with this guy then?"

"Seems to be. Other than trying to get knocked-up as I said. That's all she goes on about."

The other end of the line is quiet.

"So you'll come with me for sure Marley?"

"Ummm listen, I really want to Kar, I just think that it's too soon for Evan and I to be at the same party."

I haven't had enough time to think things through and I'm feeling pushed.

"Oh he's not going to the party. A group of them are going hiking and camping at Diamond Head."

"Are you sure?"

"Uh huh. Trust me Marley."

"What if the weather turns? Then they're likely to turn up at the party. I can't risk it."

"They're going to Diamond Head rain, hail or shine I promise. Some stupid bonding thing they've been planning way too long not to be doing it? Someone's already bought the damn mushrooms for god's sake. Evan wont be at the party I promise. Marley I wouldn't do that to you! Besides I want to introduce you to some new cuties. You need to get laid lady."

"Says who? Mr. Pink services me very well."

"Exactly! Sure he's great when he's idling but if the batteries run out he's useless and he can't cuddle you after your orgasm now can he?"

"Ugh! Who needs to cuddle? I'd rather not. So it's on Saturday?"

"Yep."

"Okay I'll come but I'll have to stay. I can't drive back if I want a drink."

"Absolutely! I'm so excited. I can't wait baby! Woo Hoo! The girls are back in old Whistletown!" she yells into the phone.

You couldn't beat the girl's enthusiasm and I imagine her jumping up and down.

"Alrighty then. I'll call you in a couple of days and we'll work out a plan. Love you Kar goes Broom Broom."

"Love you. And let's hope on Saturday that Kar's gets Boom Boom! Bye!" I can hear cheer in her voice.

"Bye!"

I really should have thought about it some more before I committed. Boy if that's not the story of my life!

Travis is standing outside London Drugs in North Vancouver. I pull the Subaru up hard beside him and he takes a step back.

"What's the rush Marley?"

"What rush?"

"Nearly took my toes off!"

"I should hope not. My community service announcement is that toes should always be back from the curb to prevent accidents. Foot safety is imperative to enable stable walking."

"Do you like to drive fast?" Travis has a tone that says he's annoyed.

"Yes."

"You always seem to be at full tilt."

"What are you saying? I'm manic?"

"Yes. Yes I'd say that."

I laugh out loud at his agreement of my own definition of me.

"I would."

I nod.

"And you wouldn't be alone."

I'm happy at not to having to go to The Barn and we head into the city for a beer. It's another grey day in Vancouver and the rain is making the traffic back up on the Second Narrows Bridge. We're in the slow crawl and I sing ignoring his mood. Travis snaps his phone shut and tucks it into the inside pocket of his jacket.

"The Cambie" he says.

It's less of a question and more of a statement. But I know I still have a choice.

"Well the price is right!" I nod.

As usual there's never a parking space nearby and we have to shuffle-run to the bar so we don't get soaked.

"What happened?" there's concern in my voice as we settle into two chairs at the end of a busy table.

"It was weird," he pauses for a big sip of beer. "I've either been in Victoria or with you out bush for the last couple of weeks and I just got back yesterday. Right?"

I nod and sip my beer, flicking rain off my face onto the floor beside me. The first sip of beer always makes me shiver. Surely it can't be a sign of rejection? I put it down to the initial adjustment the body needs to make to be able to tolerate the very yeasty bitter taste. Travis doesn't notice. He's too preoccupied telling his story.

"I call Sean to make sure that someone's at The Barn so I can get in. And straight off he's kind of short with me but I don't think anything of it right? I figure it's just him. Being a prick 'cos' I haven't been around to give him free weed. You know?"

"Uh huh" I nod.

Sean is moody but Travis is presumptuous about staying with them too.

"Anyway I get there and his daughter is there."

"What's her name again? Katrina?"

"Yeah, that's right. Kat. So anyway I roll up and Sean and I exchange pleasantries, I say 'Hi' to Katrina and he seems uncomfortable, shifting from foot to foot. I figure he's out of dope right? So I throw my bag down and he says he wants to talk to me about something and asks Kat to go into his bedroom. Now I start to worry about what's going on so I say to him, 'What's up? Were you guys busted? Is it a debt?' And I'm hoping it's not money, right?" he nods at me.

"Right!"

The server stops by and Travis orders another round, even though I'm only half way through my first bottle of Heineken. The story seems to be only beginning and Travis usually needs a couple to warm up. He uses the interruption to look around the bar and see if he knows anyone. Everybody wants to be recognized. Maybe he's a mini celebrity here? Perception is reality for some.

I look up as people at the other end of our table, university student types, get up to leave and some local slackers sit down in their place.

"Once the bedroom door is shut" he continues leaning in to me, "Sean says 'I think we have a problem. A really big problem!"

What's the fucken' problem Travis? I'm getting impatient with his story. I'm nodding but I'm nervous. All I can think is he's going to ask me to stay with me. I take a big swig of my beer.

"He then says 'My daughter says you touched her!'"

What? I swallow quickly before I spray my mouthful everywhere. His hands are in the air as if the idea is incredulous.

"Whoa!"

I put my hands out in front of me as if to stop something. Probably the knowledge that Travis has been accused of sexual abuse, more than the idea that Sean is wrong. My eyes are wide staring at Travis but looking past him processing the new information in my brain. I push back in my seat. This is a big problem.

"So I'm floored, right? 'Whoa, what?' I say and then I get angry, 'Let's get her out here and talk about this man' I say to him." Travis is hopped up.

He pauses to take another sip of his beer. I'm still stunned but manage to stay in the conversation. I need to know more.

"Right. You want to talk to her with him present. God. I guess you didn't see any of this coming huh?"

I want him to give me all the details but I'm feeling sick. I breathe in and out a few times and feel the blood rushing into my cheeks.

"No way," he shakes his head, "Never in a million years. I didn't do anything!"

We both sit back. I look out the window onto Cambie Street. People are lining up to get in. I look at my watch. It's already after 6pm and I have to let Jasper out at home.

"I just spent two weeks away, ya know? When was this supposed to have happened? So I ask him and then I quickly rephrase not wanting to drag it out in bits and pieces, you know? So I say to him 'Can you tell me what's been said so I know what it is you're thinking?' and Sean then asks me to be quieter. Almost in a whisper he tells me that at the last party they had at the house, Katrina says I touched her vagina in the bathroom."

"What? He said that?"

"I think he said her girly bits or private parts or something like that?"

This story is unbelievable. My mind is racing around in circles reviewing the information.

"What happened then?" I sip my beer.

"I told him that it was all lies and that we should get her out there to talk about it. Sean then tells me he talked to a sexual abuse counsellor or something like that on the telephone who told him that if the incident occurred it would be more traumatic to have her have to face me. Can you believe it?"

"What? Sean already called someone?" I shake my head, "This is bad."

"I know!" his voice is high and he's freaking out "I reminded him he was at that party and if anything happened he would have seen some evidence of it that night. You know, she would have at the least been different, right? I asked him to really think about it" Travis shakes his head.

My mouth is open and my brain is working overtime.

"And I told him to think about how she's always hanging around me too!" he sits back.

"Uh-huh" I nod, "Does he think she's making it up?"

"No! I think he believes her. It's ridiculous! I even suggested maybe she's lonely?"

"What did he think of that?"

"Nothing. He believes her and he was geared up, and also 'geared up' if you know what I mean?"

He means Sean was angry and high. Probably high because he was so angry.

"Mmmm... you said she was always around you. Sitting beside you, talking to you. You told me anyone could see the little girl's infatuation."

"Yes yes, exactly! That's what I thought. I'm not sure Sean sees it that way? He says he believes I'd never do anything like that to his daughter..." he pauses to sip his beer, "but in the next breath he's accusing me. It was so awkward. I had to leave. He has to believe her no matter what I get that. But why would she say I did that?"

I'm wondering the same thing? Generally people don't make up those kinds of accusations. Often they're trying to hide their shame that the crime has been inflicted on them.

"You know, it's funny, because Sean's so meticulous about seeing and hearing everything that's going on around him. How could he not notice you and Kat missing from the group for any length of time?" I wonder out loud.

"I thought that too."

Travis runs his hands through his greasy hair and leans closer to me.

"He's always high and there're plenty of times where he slips away to the bedroom to smoke meth and Kat gets the opportunity to get into trouble. He won't hear that though. What I don't understand is why she'd even say it?"

"Well geez let's see, she's had the opportunity to watch her father and his friends be con artists and thieves who'd do almost anything for money" I muse, pausing to sip my beer, "And didn't you tell me he'd already caught her hustling money from neighbours pretending to be collecting donations for some charity?"

"Yeah, that's right!"

He drinks the last of his Heineken and puts the bottle down heavily looking around him for the server. She nods in his direction that she'll be over.

"Should we get a pitcher?" he turns back to me.

"Sure."

"But how could this be about money?" he turns back to me.

"I don't know that it's got anything to do with money but it is pure manipulation. And she's getting daddy's attention more than ever now."

"That's true," he points at me.

I have no idea what to say but I'm staying on Travis side for the sake of discussion about the accusations or he'll shut down. He turns to the server who has her hip in his face.

"A jug of Honey Lager please love" he winks at her.

She smiles and lingers enjoying his attention. I stare at her wondering if she thinks I can't see her? Travis gets up to go to the bathroom and they walk away together. I stand up to stretch my legs and adjust my pants and people standing near the table move towards me, stopping quickly as I sit back down again.

"Sorry" I wave.

Travis wanders back quicker than he could have been to the toilet.

"Do you know them?"

"No they thought we were leaving is all."

He studies the group and nods at me just as the server delivers our pitcher grinning at him. I notice he smiles back warmly so I lean forward and rub his hand across the table, watching her look at my hand on his. Surely she has a table to clean? Travis pulls his hand away and pours our beers. He slams back a third of his and I sip mine as our server walks away slowly.

"Geez what's with our server?"

I know Travis wont answer. We sit in silence and drink for a moment.

"Oh Marley what am I going to do?" he rubs his fingers through his hair as though he's irritated.

"So is Sean pressing charges then? I mean, who did he speak to on the supposed sexual assault line? And what was he advised? Did he get her tested at the hospital?"

"He mumbled something about it being too late for testing and I think he'd have to have more than Kat's comments to be able to push for charges don't you?" Travis grabs his beer off the table spilling some on his hand and licking it off.

"That's bullshit. If Katrina has been abused it would show in a rape test kit or internal examination I'm pretty sure, regardless of when it occurred. They may not get sperm or DNA but they can tell if she's been penetrated," I spit out.

"Relax Marley. Maybe too much time has lapsed for a test to be effective? I dunno" Travis sounds defeated.

"What a mess!"

"It's a fucking mess! I didn't do anything. This is my reputation being slandered. I have to go and speak to him. She can't be making stuff up like that."

"Where are you crashing?"

I don't want to know the answer but 'good person duties' require that I make sure he has a place to stay.

"I'm staying with a buddy downtown... " Travis shakes his head and runs his fingers through his hair again, "This is just so fucked up!"

"It's unreal is what it is. I can't believe this kind of shit happens to you. You've got some fierce Karma."

"Don't I?"

"How was your time on the island?"

I want to change the subject and raise spirits. It's all too much to comprehend over beers.

"Oh Victoria was fine. I have to go back in the next few days."

"Do you have court here or there?"

"North Vancouver."

"I've been to court. I hit a car once and didn't leave a note. Owner says there was no note and other guy who drives hard up behind me goes to cops and says I didn't stop. No one has photos of the damage to the car. The cop that interrogates me in the stand can't rattle me, I say I left a note and I don't get a conviction. Owner of the car takes a civil suit and I pay damages to make it all go away. Big deal. I paid then or I paid later. There was still no punishment for leaving the scene without leaving a note."

"Huh" he smiles and finishes what's left in the glass filling it again immediately.

"What would you say your level of criminality was versus your level of law-abidingness?"

"My what? Is that a word?"

"Probably not but you know what I mean."

"I'm a convicted criminal who served my time in the community. And I'm still doing something punishable by jail time, and worse stuff where necessary. What would you say my level of criminality is?"

"On a scale of one to ten, ten being naughty, then I'd guess you're at an 8.5. Because you're still doing the same crime, dealing drugs and you're thumbing your nose at the conviction."

"But I'm not growing anymore."

"Really? What are we doing in the bush?"

"Oh yeah! I forgot about that. I meant I don't have a bunch of houses running lights."

"Sure but it's still the same thing. I hit a car. I've never done it again. My level of criminality at the time might have been five, now it would be a three 'cos' I still speed which is doing the wrong thing and could cause another accident to happen."

"A three? You grow weed and sell it commercially. That's a five to begin with."

"Okay hang on, to me that has a different level of criminality. You are convicted of the exact crime you are currently committing!" I'm exasperated.

"May I remind you of my Charter Rights Violation: 'be free from unreasonable search or seizure.' I'm still going to fight that conviction when I get enough money" Travis adds pointing at me.

"Okay but even if Via Rail had no right to search your bag the fact is you did carry an illegal drug with the intent to traffic and used public transport to do so. That's pretty heavy."

"Don't forget there was some 'erb in there for the Toronto Compassion Club too."

"Rigggghhhht! Why were you on the train anyway? I thought you used the Suburban for runs to Windsor?"

"I know I was stupid. I was tired. I'd done back-to-back runs so I just jumped on the train. I'd done it once before and had no problems. I just got too cocky..." he shakes his head at his own idiocy.

"And unfortunately for me Via Rail had some overzealous baggage asshole looking for a medal that day!"

"They smelt it?"

"I guess?" he shrugs "I thought I had it covered. It was triple plastic. Heavy duty industrial stuff too, eh?"

"Uh huh" I nod and take a sip of my beer, "What happened when you got to Toronto?"

"Ahhh the cops were waiting at the station and they stopped me but I didn't see them until I grabbed my bags. Said they had reason to suspect... you know, blah, blah, blah" he waves his hand away.

I nod showing sympathy for the unfortunate incident he'd had to endure.

"You know the rest."

"How long did you spend in jail?" I push.

"Ten days. And that was ten too many!"

He takes a big drink. I'm making him agitated. He looks around us.

"Defence was first time then? Trying to give to the compassion club?"

"Yeah but of course volume alone said I had to cop to a sizable quantity for trafficking across provinces."

How could he have been so stupid? The whole 'it'll never happen to me' trap risk-takers fall into.

Karlene looks like a million bucks when I get to her place and I'm stunned. I've never seen her look more like a woman. Butterflies in my stomach mean I'm excited and I know we're going to have fun. We always do. We're just a comfortable fit as friends and I think having the same value system is the key. Shaking the drink canister feverishly Karlene is glowing as she pours us a couple of Crantini's and I munch on a handful of Mrs Vickies Chili chips she's put in a pretty purple bowl.

"New bowl?"

"Nah. Oh well yes, new for me. My Gran died. It came from the estate."

"Oh I'm sorry Karlene."

"Thanks. She was a very cool lady. Well you could already tell that because she had this purple bowl!" she smiles pointing to it.

I laugh finishing my drink. Nervously I realize that one went down way too fast and I'm already light-headed when Karlene pours us another.

"I've been bad!" she's coy.

"I figured as much. How bad Kar?"

"Well naughty bad."

"I see. So how many of the guys there tonight will be vying for your attention? And more importantly which one of them is the 'rejecter' that you're trying to conquer?"

She laughs mischievously.

"Oh Marley you know me so well!"

"No I know me so well."

She puts her glass down on the coffee table carefully.

"I've been seeing two guys on the circuit. They each know the other exists but not that I'm hooking up with them both."

I nod and smile encouragingly not surprised.

"Dave is the one I'm keen on but he's the 'I don't want a girlfriend type.' He's younger. So I've been seeing Andy as well."

She says the last bit very quickly so I'm focused on that? I raise an eyebrow as the penny drops.

"Andy? Old Andy? Now doing the coaching clinics?"

"Yes" she blushes.

"Well he's nice. You guys used to date so that must be easy?"

"Yeah. He's nice. I really like him" she shifts trying to find the words, "But he's nice, you know? And predictably always will be."

"Right. And so that makes Dave the naughty one!"

Kar giggles and takes a sip of her drink.

"Oh yes he's very naughty! Marley the sex is amazing! It's really hard for me not to be all gushy around him."

"So you've been bed hopping?"

"Mmmm... " she nods grinning, her lips closed but her face telling it all.

"But they don't know about it?"

"Sort of."

"Sort of. What does that mean?"

"Well there was this incident where Andy saw me kissing Dave at the pub but I blew it off as a drunken moment. Ya know? And Andy wants to be with me so he's not starting any arguments."

"And there's been no punch on?" I'm incredulous.

Karlene laughs. It wasn't like the bike circuit not to have a fair amount of drama. They could be an incestuous crew.

"Not yet. But that's why I need you. I figure if things are going to go bad, tonight will be the night."

"Right. So I'm playing 'Security' too.""

She looks at the clock and finishes what's left of her drink in two gulps.

"It's getting late. We should get going."

I gulp down the rest of my drink and stand up quickly. I'm wobbly getting to my feet because I don't wear heels often. We both do a last check of our make-up in the bathroom mirror and I look like crap next to Karlene. She's glowing.

"Is that body glitter?"

"Uh huh" Karlene nods enthusiastically, "My sister sent it from back East. Well it's more like a bronzer with glitter through it."

"And what's with the pony?"

I point to her hair pulled back.

"The guys like it. It keeps me looking young..."

I smirk at her cheekiness.

"...in THEIR eyes" she pokes her tongue out at me.

I look in the mirror at my own eyes. They look worn out. Sad. I close them and cross my fingers muttering a quiet prayer that Evan isn't at the party.

The evening air is warm as we walk up the stairs to the GLC. I'm feeling flirty and sexy but apprehensive as Karlene opens the door and inside a couple of hundred people mill about chatting, mostly racers and their other-halves, event crew and sponsors. Karlene is striking in her wrap dress and I look like the dutiful friend as she drags me around the room introducing me to people. I catch up with old friends I haven't seen since I used to come to the events with Evan years back. Thankfully no one asks about him. They must know that we're no longer together.

Karlene's laughing with the rep from her main sponsor Giant when I gently dig her in the ribs.

"There's Andy. I think he's looking for you?" I mutter quietly beside her ear.

Her shoulders slump forward as if she's trying to hide and she keeps laughing without looking around. Andy frowns scanning the room and when he locates her his face muscles relax. His eyes move from person to person of those standing around her and then he's looking at me. I smile and he smiles back surprised but friendly. He waves and I watch as he makes his way through the crowd towards where I'm standing. I whisper to Kar through gritted teeth as if I'm not talking but simply smiling.

"He's coming ooooooooover."

She gives me a short nod her eyes never leaving her conversation and I'm relieved she heard me. I'm good at talking through closed teeth. I'm about ninety percent sure I could've been a ventriloquist but I've never actually watched myself in the mirror to confirm it. Andy smiles looking at Karlene who's deep in conversation with her sponsor and has her back to him and throws his arms around me. I'm shocked. We were never close like that but I am happy for the attention. He smells good. I wonder how serious he is about Karlene?

Grabbing my right hand as we pull apart Andy gives me the once over. I look down and it looks as though my breasts are falling out of the top of my bra. I hunch my shoulders forward hoping that they'll sink into my chest. It only makes my boob spillage more obvious.

"Wow. How long has it been Marley? You look great."

"Andy!" I smile coyly and bat my eyes, "It has been a while hasn't it? And you're too kind. I'm sooooooo out of shape."

I tug at the top of my bra trying to stuff my ample bosom back in. I stop adjusting and look up.

"What about you? You're looking good. Must still be riding?"

He actually looks the same as he did the last time I saw him. Kind of doughy and thick around the middle.

"Yeah I'm still riding. I love it and I gotta pay the bills you know."

I nod knowing his struggle.

"I'm great Marley but I'd be better if I could get a hug from this lovely woman."

He talks loudly for Karlene's benefit and grabs her elbow just as she's turning away from her sponsor.

"Hey you!" she smiles at him her arms open.

They share a warm hug and a brief kiss. There's nothing about their embrace that would suggest that they're in a relationship although Karlene knows all eyes could be on them and I can't tell if the other guy is here yet or not? I scan the room and everyone looks like they were born in the 1980s. Somehow I've gotten old? I didn't really notice it but as I stand among all these young mountain bike riders I can see that I have nothing in common with them. I don't even ride anymore.

"Hey Marley! How've you been?"

A frenchie I know walks up and grabs me around the shoulders.

"Marc! Great to see you."

We share a hug.

"You look good buddy" I smile widely, wondering if I could sleep with him?

"Hey so Marley what're you doing right now? I'm about to go out back with some friends just like the old days" he nudges me "You wanna join us?"

"Sure" I turn to Karlene "I'll see you later."

She nods and smiles.

"Hey Karlene."

"Hi Marc" she doesn't look at him, she's too worried about Andy's tight grip on her hand.

We climb the hill behind the GLC and stand in a loose circle in the woods with Marc's friends David, JP and Sebastian sharing a couple of joints. The last time I was standing in the same spot was the middle of Winter 1997 and I was yelling after my girlfriend Bailey who was drunk and on the back of some guy's skidoo heading off up the mountain after midnight.

JP smiles at me and leans in, handing me the joint.

"So do you ride Marley?"

I exhale heavily and pass the joint to Marc.

"No not any more."

I shake my head and one of the other frenchies mutters something that I can't understand to his mate. JP's hitting on me. I smile flirting and give him the once over. There's nothing that makes him stand out and across a bar my girlfriends and I wouldn't swoon but he's cute enough. And stylish! I'd fuck him.

"I take it you race JP?" I smile broadly holding eye contact with him.

"Yes. Yes I do."

He's being coy but he's also indicating that he's pretty good. I get the feeling I should know who he is.

"So you're good then?"

I nod already knowing the answer.

"I do alright."

"Some magazine covers good? Or just getting the wins?" I grin cheekily.

Sebastian snorts at my question and then proceeds to cough so hard I think he might throw up a lung. JP pats him on the back and mutters something in French to which Sebastian laughs.

"I'm sorry about my friend. He has some issues SWALLOWING the fact that I am better than he is."

Sebastian laughs and I smile even though I hate it when people talk in another language so as to not have you hear what they're saying.

"There you are!" Karlene says from behind me.

I jump.

"I was just about..." I turn towards her trying to explain.

"Hey Baby!" Karlene throws her arm around Dave's neck.

"So you met Dave, Marley?" she swings off his arm talking to me.

"Uh. Oh yeah. Sort of."

He's nodding and I nod too staring at him. He's interesting now that I know his significance. He's not just another cute bike guy getting high on the hill. And he's quite young! Well younger than Andy. But they're different guys. Dave's got a bohemian thing happening whereas Andy's your typical bike circuit dude. All his gear is logoed and if he's heading out for the night it's the standard jeans, shirt and sneakers. Hair perfect. He's a farm boy whereas Dave has sex appeal! I get the feeling that what you see is not all you get with Dave either. He's casual and effortlessly stylish. There's a stripe down his pants and beads around his neck. Strangers would have thought his parents were living in a mansion in Blueberry Hill but like the rest of us he probably came to Whistler from the suburbs with only a pack on his back.

"Nice one!" I mumble to her enthusiastically.

I look around for Andy. We're outside but I can't imagine he'll let Karlene out of his sight for too long. I grab her hand.

"You wanna come back inside and get a drink?"

"Yes" she rubs her arms "I'm getting cold. You coming?"

She looks at Dave.

"I'll see you in there."

He smiles and she leans back into him kissing his cheek.

"Sure."

I turn to JP sensing I could be missing out on crazy sex but needing to be the supportive friend I was brought in to be.

"Hey nice to meet you JP. Maybe I'll see you inside?"

"Yes. I hope so Marley."

"Thanks Marc. I'll see you in there!" I call over my shoulder as Karlene pulls me away.

Inside the warmth makes me feel tired.

"Let's get a drink!" Karlene walks towards the bar.

I'm not sure I need anymore as I feel the weed working it's magic.

"A glass of Sav Blanc Marley?" Karlene turns to me as the Bartender points at her and leans in to hear her order.

"Sure" I nod and she hands the bartender a $20 note.

Andy sidles up on the other side of Karlene and I feel her deflate from her exciting moment with Dave.

"I lost you!"

"Yeah. Sorry we went outside for a breather" she takes her change and hands me my wine.

She's trying to appear interested but it's obvious Andy is the fall back guy. If Dave rejects her Andy will be front and centre, giving her whatever she needs but tonight she wants Dave's attention. It was only right after all. Dave was making her work for it. Andy was smothering her. In actuality he was only being attentive but if you didn't want the attention it was just plain bothersome.

"Oh look there's my gear Rep. I have to say hi. I'll be right back" Karlene points into the crowd and pats Andy's hand as she drops it.

She shuffles away and I'm left standing at the bar with Andy knowing she utilized me being here to get away from him. I don't mind, otherwise I'd be scrambling to find someone to talk to.

"So Karlene says you're coaching now Andrew?"

"Yeah. You know, you do what you gotta do to pay the bills. I'm getting too old to play around anymore."

"Well you've got years of experience. It must be easy."

He nods and we both take a sip of our drinks.

"Oh and you're NEVER too old to stop playing around Andy!"

I wink but I mean it in a friendly way and instantly worry that he'll take it as a come on.

"I guess."

He's unsure and his cheeks flush red as he looks away.

"It might be time to think about settling down, you know? I'm at that place where I want someone to come home to."

He's talking about Karlene.

"Really? Not me. Not yet" I laugh.

"Oh Marley you were always ready you just haven't found the right guy."

"You think so?"

"Yeah. I always thought that you wanted to settle down."

I wonder if he thinks that because of the way I was with Evan or simply because of the way I am?

"You want kids Andy?"

"Sure. Some day. Have to find the right girl first don't I?" he smiles and looks at his feet.

As if on cue Karlene joins us again and she seems flustered.

"You okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine. I just walked into a wall."

"What?" Andy grabs her gently by the shoulders and looks at her face concerned, "Are you sure you're okay?"

She leans against him. She looks like she's hit the wall.

"Yes Andy I'm fine. It was stupid. I just turned too quickly and before I knew it the wall was in my face."

"We should get a seat. Can I get you another drink? Or a wet cloth?"

"No I think we're going to go. I'm feeling tired" she lets her shoulders drop.

"Oh okay" he's quiet, "you could have a concussion. So be careful. You're going to want someone to watch you sleep and make sure you wake up."

"Watch me sleep. That's creepy. Isn't that creepy Marley?"

"I'll make sure she wakes every hour," I assure him grabbing her arm "Let's get you home Kar."

She hugs him and kisses his cheek and you'd be forgiven for thinking that they've never been intimate. I hug and kiss him goodbye feeling sorry for him. It's never going to happen dude. At the door Karlene runs into some guy Chris and becomes a gushing girl.

"Oh hey Chris! Chris this is my friend Marley. Marley meet my Chris. I mean just Chris."

Chris and I smile and he extends his hand. I like a guy who's not afraid to shake a woman's hand. It makes me feel as if we are equals.

"Are you getting a drink? Cos we were just leaving..."

Chris looks at her a little confused.

"Yeah we were just going to go to the bar."

"Right" she grins up at him a little too enthusiastically.

"You have to go huh?" he nods and puts his hand in his pockets.

"Yeah, well we don't have to..." Karlene looks at me.

"Yes actually we do. Why don't we get Chris's number and you can catch up tomorrow?"

I shrug at him.

"Sorry. It's late, we're tired and I have to be up early, you know?"

He nods grinning and types his number into her phone while she does the same to his. She hands him back his phone very slowly and purposefully and he takes her drunken flirting well. They share an awkward hug and I notice Andy watching us from the bar. Even without knowing what was being said Karlene's body language was clearly showing interest in Chris.

Arm in arm and staggering Karlene and I lean against each other in case one of us falls. Karlene is drunk but happy. The kind of drunk I can handle. She's shrieking and laughing as she struggles to stay upright in her heels.

"I just haven't been able to stop thinking about him since we met. But it's that unattainable thing. Would I want him if he wasn't taken, you know what I mean?"

"I think you would. You went to jelly when you saw him. I thought you were going to faint."

"Stop it Marley! I wasn't that bad. Was I?" she looks at me out of the corner of her eye.

"Uh huh" I nod.

She covers her face. I giggle and I lose my balance as she leans into me too hard. I stumble trying to keep us upright.

"Whoa shit! We nearly went down!" the adrenalin has me alert.

"I know! That's because we're PISSED!" she laughs.

I laugh at her laughing and shake my head. She straightens herself up and wipes hair from her mouth.

"So Dave is good in bed," she flicks her hair back pausing "and Andy, well Andy is forever hanging around and is a great friend. A gentle lover shall we say. Dave will be short term based on his age. But Chris? Chris I could get serious about."

"I really think he was giving you the vibes tonight Kar? Is he single?

"You think? Yeah that's the thing. He wasn't single but recently I'd heard it was all over. And then I noticed that he's been going to things without her and that never used to happen" Karlene's talking fast excited.

"Well he took your number. That's a good sign."

I have a good feeling about this guy but I have no idea how she treats them once they fall under her spell? To be one of my friends you had to be independent. And while that was initially attractive in a woman, most guys didn't like it as much once they set their heart on you.

"You think?" she squeezes my arm excitedly.

"Yeah I do. And I also think you need to cut Andy loose."

Her face changes, she's pained.

"Oh I know. He got me at a weak moment" she drops her shoulders heavily.

"However he got there Kar, he's not letting go."

"I know... it's just..."

"You're going to break his heart," I finish her sentence.

"I knooooooooooow! Don't make me cry."

I drive back to Squamish slowly with the sun shining in my eyes. I have to pick up Jasper. It's a gorgeous day out. Crisp but it's early and you know it's going to be a great day. I don't feel too hungover although my tongue could use a serious brushing. I left Karlene's in a hurry as I've got plans with Travis to go hiking. I could use the exercise and fresh air and he said he needs some time away from everything. He must be going insane worrying. If it isn't the Sean and Katrina drama there's always his impending court case. And he'd be blind not to see that there isn't much coming out of the woods next week. The guy who fronted the set-up certainly isn't going to be happy. And sorry isn't going to cut it if Travis can't turn a profit. He's indebted. This guy helped him with legal costs in the past and he's invested his money in Travis's outdoor setup. Depending on how much Travis is into this guy for? Buddy might not even make his money back.

Travis is standing on the corner of Clark and Hastings Streets when I pick him up. His hair is wet and he smells freshly showered as he jumps in the passenger seat throwing his bag on the floor. The guy in the car behind me leans on his horn continuously to show his distaste for our stopping in the middle of the road and blocking the flow of traffic. I give him the obligatory single-fingered thank you signal out the window and peel out before Travis can shut the door.

"Hi, how's it going?"

Travis smiles at me.

"Good."

I smile back happy to see he's not miserable. Then it occurs to me it's probably because he just got laid. Or if I'm thinking positively, maybe he's just happy? He's not normally this happy.

We drive over the Second Narrows Bridge to hike the Lynn Valley Canyon and the surface shines slippery in the sun. It must have rained early this morning. Travis plays with the radio and can't seem to settle on one station. It's annoying but I bite my tongue knowing we will be there soon. The three of us are wired. Jasper's slobber is running down the seat and onto the back of my light spray jacket. His breath is hot in my ear and the windows are fogging. I'm irritated by not hearing one full song on the radio and need to clear my head.

"So listen eh... " I look at Travis "the man that made it sold it, the man that bought it never used it and the man that used it never saw it? What is it?"

He looks at me and I can't tell what he's thinking. I look back at the road.

"Huh? Can you repeat it?"

I smile and say it more slowly because I'm not keen to say it again.

"The man that made it sold it. The man that bought it never used it. And the man that used it never saw it."

"Right" he nods.

"You're supposed to ask questions that can be answered with a only a 'yes' or 'no' response."

"Yup. I got it"

There's silence. I'm defeated. I thought it was going to be an interactive afternoon. I want to ask about Katrina but I know that could make him annoyed. The parking lot only has a handful of cars in it and as we get out of the car Jasper bolts ahead down the mossy stairs to the trail, his tail wagging high in the air. We walk in silence hiking around the 10km circuit at a comfortable speed occasionally stopping alongside the river or to pick flowers. The forest is thick so there are long stretches of meandering without seeing other people although Jasper ever excited pulls ahead and we do have to pass a few slow pokes to keep him from constantly running up behind them. The wet trail means mud is sticking into our shoes but the air is fresh and I'm happiest amongst the trees so I try not to think about the mess we'll make in the car.

Back at the trailhead Travis spends half an hour skimming rocks along the river and I sit in the sun browning anything that hasn't seen rays this summer. Jasper splashes about chasing shadows and when we get back to the parking lot it's after 4pm.

"To the pub then!" Travis opens the passenger door.

"I guess so. Which one?" I mumble drying the dog with an old towel.

"The Seymour?" Travis doesn't even think about it.

I stand up and look at him across the roof of the car.

"Really? The Seymour's a haunt for old men!" I say as if he doesn't know.

"So?"

"SO" I say loudly back, 'it's all old buggers having a perv!"

"Oh Marley you love it!" he laughs and gets in the car.

No. No I don't. I shake my head. It's not the kind of pub pretty young girls frequent. It's a place to hide. Or to not be seen! We could be a couple of blocks down at a glorious table on the balcony of some trendy pub with a microbrewery inside but it's obvious Travis either doesn't want to be seen with me, be seen with dirty shoes and hiking gear on or both. Then again I'm giving a narcissist too much credit. The problem is likely to be he doesn't look cool enough.

I pull into the driveway three hours later and get straight to work in the garden. My plants are growing well and are only a couple of weeks away from harvest. Evan and I agreed that I would work on the garden and he would only tend to it if I needed help or was away. We both have to pay down our debt but he doesn't care much about that. He's bitter at our split and is doing as little as possible to make my life any easier. I'm constantly stressed about the debt and it's my one goal to eliminate our connection. I'm up to my armpits in water and dirt when Travis calls.

"Is it a pair of glasses because he's blind?"

"Oh hey! Ah no, no it's not glasses!" I laugh, "Good try though."

"I'll keep thinking."

"Okay" I wonder if there's more to the call "Are you doing okay?"

"Uh-huh."

"You have a place to crash?" I know he's couch surfing downtown.

"Yep. I'm fine."

"Well I'm in the middle of tidying up the garden..."

"Yeah I should let you get back to it. Talk to you soon."

"Do you want to ask me any questions? It might make it easier."

"No, no my mind needs a workout. It's been years."

Travis calls again two days later. I'm pleasantly surprised.

"Okay I give up. What is it?" he asks as soon as I answer my phone.

"What? Seriously? What happened to 'my mind needs a workout?'"

I'm surprised he's giving up so soon because he always wants to be right, and with a need to appear intellectual doing so.

"No. Come on. You're kidding? Are you sure?"

"Marley I really want to know."

"It's" I pause for dramatic effect hearing the drum roll in my head, "a coffin!"

"Oh sure. He couldn't see it. That was good thanks."

"You're welcome."

"Oh shit here it comes! Listen I'm trying to catch the Ferry so I gotta go. But I'll see you Friday."

"Okay."

My elation at him calling me is now deflating knowing that he's just killing time waiting for the ferry.

"Okay bye."

"Bye," I say it quietly.

And he's gone. I stop working and think about Travis's character. Is he a user or am I too pessimistic because things aren't going the way I want them to? I know how he operates. I've seen his pattern. I'm learning the behaviour. He's narcissistic and thinks that he's smarter than the law. He laughs at misfortune. He's disconnected and is trying to be a ghost in society, using other people's identities to create a fictitious life complete with rental agreements and bank accounts. I wonder if he's simply not capable of intimacy?

HARVEST! Finally! We've let the plants grow as long as they can because a light frost has already appeared overnight and they need to be cut down before they get moldy. To add to the task of harvesting in the outdoors, it's been raining on and off for the past week and the plants are likely to be wet and heavy to cut down. They've been in the woods for more than four months so they're six to seven feet tall, big plants with lots of flowers. It's not ideal weather for the weed to begin drying or for us to be working in and it's going to be a big task.

Winter is approaching as leaves are falling off the surrounding trees, making the trees and access routes to the plots more obvious and we worry about discovery more than ever so we openly hike the logging road in. The less conspicuous the better, we're just a couple of hikers and our dog out for some mountain air. The steady rain smacks against my sunglasses and I let out a loud sigh. There's no sun but better the glasses take the beating than my eyes. I can't see much but we both clearly saw the fresh tire tracks and we're on the lookout for a truck or two. My ears are sharp.

Halfway into our walk several shots are fired and we now know we're dealing with hunters. This worries me more than detection. I have a deep-seated fear of being mistakenly shot in the woods by a hunter. And with golden-haired Jasper bouncing around like a deer, it could easily happen. A red truck comes down the road toward us just as we're approaching the trail edge to Travis's plot. It looks like a Ford Ranger. An older model one. A young couple in their thirties, stare as they pull the truck up beside us and I try to wipe rain drops off my glasses. Travis does all the talking as usual and I have my fingers crossed that our backpacks hopefully dispel any doubt about our hiking story.

"Hey how's it going? Any luck?" Travis holds his hand out to the side in a casual wave.

The redneck leans out of the window and nods at Travis.

"Ahhh yeah man, we got a decent sized buck" and he points his thumb back into the tray behind him. My eyes follow his thumb.

"Oh my god! It's huge!" my eyes wide.

I don't know why I'm surprised? We heard the shots. We knew they were hunting.

"Nice" I hear Travis say.

I'm too distracted by the deer to even hear Travis as he and the redneck continue idle chitchat. Jasper sniffs around the truck tray excitedly smelling death and I pull him back by the collar. I move further back and stare at the deer. It's beautiful. It's not beautiful in death it's just a beautiful looking creature. The antlers are huge, and sharp with eight points. She got herself a 'real man' I think and look at the redneck's girlfriend through the back window of the cab. I look back at him to see what a real man looks like. He's not that good looking but I'm still jealous. She looks happy. Contented. And its obvious they're together.

"Well we better get on walking. No exercise in standing around."

Travis nudges me and pats the side of the truck's box, throwing his arm in the air and walking away. We hike on waving as the redneck slowly pulls away. Once the truck turns the first bend of many we stop walking, pausing to watch the hunters follow the switchbacks down below. Hearing nothing other than the truck, the wind and our own breathing, we wait until we can no longer see them to be sure that we're alone.

"You think he bought it?" I pull my hair back off my face in the wind.

"Nah probably not. He doesn't care though."

"You think there's more?"

"What hunters? Yeah sure. There'll be more shots fired before the day is over" he nods.

"I mean more up this road?"

"No that's unlikely. It's a dead end and I don't see two lots of them up at the top. That guy would've scared away any other wildlife. Not to mention unless they're together it'd be dangerous."

"We are talking about hunters here. Anyone with a gun is dangerous!"

Travis smiles and pats me on the back.

"I think we'll be fine. But it might be hard to get the weed out" he winks.

I'd forgotten about having to load up the car. I'm instantly annoyed. Like someone snapped my bra strap. And I'm grumpy. It's cold. Miserably cold. A storm is coming over us and aside from hunting and pot, there's no reason to be up here. Hiking? Could they have bought that? Being on the road in a car would have been feasible but walking was strange. It's not like there are any hiking trails nearby.

We don't have a dry place to trim the buds before we drag it out of the woods so that's our first plan of attack. Travis hikes in to his plot to grab a tarp. As the rain sets in we work together to set up a makeshift shelter, albeit a small one. The rope tears against the skin on my right hand as I hold it tight around the tree.

"Son of a ... "

"Hey! Keep it down. The sound carries you know."

"Sorry. It's the rain in my eyes and I got a rope burn."

"Time to spark it up."

"Mmmm..." I nod sucking my thumb where the skin has been worn away.

That's going to hurt if I'm using scissors trimming all day in the rain. We sit down on some dead tree trunks long since rotten and share a toke. I try not to think about the work ahead. Thinking wasn't going to help.

"I'm going to drag the branches down the hill from the higher plot" Travis gets up.

"Oh okay. Do you want me to get some from the other?"

No some of them have only just flipped. I'll grab the ones up high. They're in the best condition."

"Jasper no!" I call after the dog quietly as he tries to follow Travis.

I'm waiting under the tarp with my pruning clippers as Travis drags five big pot plants backwards across the road. The conditions couldn't be worse but I get straight to work. On his walk back for the next load Travis shuffles his feet crossing the road trying to remove the drag marks that point to where we're working. His boots are caked in mud in no time. We've got underclothes and coats and hats on but the wind just cuts right through them and chills my bones. The task ahead is mammoth and Travis thinks we wont get through it but we just have to. There's no choice. We've come this fucking far, damn it!

"I hope they survive the night. If the wind picks up, and with this rain we could lose some!" I say trimming the last leaves from a branch.

I hang the cleaned branches on fishing line from tree to tree under the tarp.

"Well it's the best we can do for shelter tonight. I just hope this shitty weather changes tomorrow."

"You're not alone there" my teeth chatter.

It's near dark when we hike out and we're exhausted. My eyes are itchy, my hands are waterlogged and our clothes are so heavy they'll never dry by morning. Pulling into Princeton we find a little cabin on the river to stay in for the night and order delivery from the local Greek restaurant. I shower for a very long time and I'm finally warm by the time I finish my first glass of red wine. We devour our food while watching some Ben Affleck movie that I can't remember the name of. Travis knocks back three beers in quick succession and I have a couple more glasses of wine before I slide down in the soft bed under the warm blankets and allow my body to relax.

I'm asleep when Travis finally slides under the covers beside me, his cold feet touching my legs and waking me. We fumble around for each other. I keep my eyes closed. We're both exhausted but I muster the strength to climb on top and straddle him. I bend down to kiss him and can sense the urgency of our act. In seconds he's pushed through my O-ring and we're moving together fast, our bodies slick with sweat. Our teeth mash together as we attempt a kiss while fucking. It's useless. This is purely a physical act.

I rotate my hips, squeeze internal muscles, throw my shoulders back, touch my breasts seductively and pull on my nipples all while giving my thighs an intense workout. Shaking my hair around my shoulders and bracing myself with my hands on his chest, I feel his ripped stomach muscles. They're a known side effect of never having any money to eat but regardless of how he got them he still looks good. My mouth is dry and I'm drunk gasping for air when Travis grabs my hips and pulls me closer to him setting the pace. Is he holding my hips because I'm swaying around too much? I hold on tight and hope I don't fall asleep before he's done. I shake my hair to stop it sticking to my shoulders and then there's the involuntary gasp I've been waiting for and the rocking horse slows as I ready myself to dismount. There's no hugging and Travis settles back into his pillow snoring before I can get settled. Jasper moans in the corner reminding me he's there.

"Sleep well good buddy. We have a big day tomorrow."

Travis doesn't want to get up and I can't blame him. Jasper's my alarm clock and he needs out which means I have to move. The day is jam packed and likely to be all too short anyway, so when we get back from our walk I annoy Travis's until he gets out of bed. He finishes the few leftover potatoes and my chicken leg from the night before as he goes about his morning routine. He's like an old man pottering around picking things up and putting them down. I ignore him turning the TV up so he can take a shit in private and we can finally get to work.

I pack a bag with fruit, chips and granola bars, tuna, bottled water, beer and a few joints determined to be more organized than yesterday. With the heater cranked up in the cabin our clothes have dried overnight, although rain is forecast again. Unfortunately the car hasn't dried out as much as we'd hoped and the smell of wet dog is still overpowering. The sky is grey with no break in sight and even though I'll be in my bed tonight I'm absolutely miserable. I can't wait to see the back of this gig.

We park the car by the creek at 9.30am making it the closest to a full day's work we've ever had. There are no new tracks up the logging road and we walk more relaxed than the day before. Travis walks five steps ahead of me and I'm struggling to keep up as he drops down into the brush.

"Well the tarp held" he calls out to me.

"Yeah? Well that's a win!" I stop beside him puffing, Jasper at my heels.

Travis looks skyward.

"The weathers going to be bad again today. Let's leave the weed here and set up another trimming spot further up the hill, where there's more shelter."

More shelter? Why the fuck weren't we up there the yesterday?

"Yeah that's a good idea. We won't have to drag any of the weed across the road again either" I smile, outwardly ever supportive.

As expected rain comes not long after we get started only today the wind joins us too. My toes and ears are freezing and my nose is running like a tap. Frantically we harvest anything that has money on it, although the monotony of the task and the weather make it more difficult to find enthusiasm on day two.

The light is fading when Jasper and I hike down to the car. Driving back up the switchbacks I have the headlights on and I kill them as I get closer to Travis hoping that if anyone is watching that they wont see us as we load the trunk. Heavy wet weed is in garbage bags double and triple bagged where possible but it still stinks. Freshly cut weed has it's own smell. It's different to cured weed. If we are pulled over by the RCMP the gig will be up instantly.

"All six bags take up the entire trunk and it's tight. We'll have to put all of our crap in the back seat with Jasper" Travis pants packing the bags down.

"Oh really?"

I'm disappointed but not surprised. Luckily Jasper's too tired to care about a lack of space and he just curls up in a ball and sighs about the miserably long drive ahead.

"It's alright buddy. Not long."

I ride high in the seat on tense butt cheeks all the way back to Squamish and swing the Subaru into the driveway some time after midnight. We drag the garbage bags through the front door with the lights off. In one of the spare rooms upstairs Travis throws newspaper down all over the carpet and turns up the baseboard heater. We spread the branches out on bug screens I collect from windows around the house and place on overturned two gallon buckets. Travis looks at me and at work still needing to be done and shakes his head.

"We just have to work through the night to get it all hung," I say wishing we didn't.

"I know" he nods.

With the heat turned up and the dehumidifier running the wet weed is incredibly pungent. We're trimming it as fast as possible and aside from the hum of the dehumidifier the only other noise is the constant sound of scissors snapping.

"I'm worried the neighbours are gonna smell this shit."

"Nah it'll be fine. We'll get some Ona Gel at the Garden Centre tomorrow. It absorbs the smell."

"It is tomorrow!"

He looks at his watch.

"Awe crap it's already 2.30am."

"I know" I roll my eyes.

We continue working through the night and around 6am I fold.

"I have to get some sleep" I stand up and stretch.

"Yup me too. I'll just have a quick shower first."

Truth be told, I'm watching the clock. I know Evan will be getting up soon and there's no way he won't be able to smell the fresh cut weed. So I'd rather confront the issue after a few hours sleep. Zombie-like I tear my clothes from my body and crawl into bed. I know it's after 7am by the time I get there and I hear Travis start the shower. I sigh knowing I'll be asleep by the time he gets in.

The bedroom door flies open and smashes against the wall.

"Right buddy, get your shit and get the fuck out of my house! You've got 30 minutes."

I sit bolt upright grabbing at the sheet to cover my naked chest. Evan is standing in the doorway yelling and pointing at Travis in the bed next to me. I'm stunned awake and can't believe what I'm seeing and hearing. Travis rolls over and sits up.

"Evan, get the fuck out of here!" I yell pointing at the door.

"Move your weed you piece of shit" Evan yells and points at Travis.

"Alright. You're right. I'll move it" Travis gets out of bed.

"Get out!" I shout getting angry that Evan isn't moving.

Evan turns to walk out and I look at my watch. I can't believe I've only had fifteen minutes of sleep in twenty-four hours and I'm now surrounded by drama. Evan turns back and his eyes are glazed in anger.

"Marley, you and I had an agreement. Thirty minutes."

"Go!" I shout glaring at him.

And with that he goes back to his suite. I close my eyes and breathe out.

"Are you going to talk to him?" Travis asks me.

"No."

I pull the sheet up over my head and close my eyes. I want nothing more than to pretend it didn't happen and go back to sleep but I know that isn't on the cards.

"You have to. I can't have the cops here" there's fear in his voice and Travis clears his throat.

I sit up to get out of bed shaking my head.

"I'll move it..."

"No it's fine" I cut him off.

"Sorry I shouldn't have bought it here in the first place. I know better. I'll move it."

"You don't have to move it Travis! He can piss off. This is my house too!"

"Why didn't you lock the door down there Marley?"

"Oh I dunno?" I shrug, "Because he needs access to the weed and I figured locking it would enrage him! Oh and I actually thought he would be adult and respect my space!"

"Yeah well he doesn't seem that rational to me? And I barely know the guy!"

I shouldn't have to talk to Evan about my choices. I wish I had the strength to just go back to bed like I want to. I slip my dress over my head and walk to the kitchen, downstairs and can hear some stupid Rob Zombie song blasting away in the suite. Great! This is going to be unbearable. I sigh. Evan was always irrational and this episode could actually push him over the edge. I grab a quick glass of water. My throat is sore and I can barely speak. I knock loudly on the door between our living spaces and wait for a response.

"What?" Evan barks from the other side.

"Can I come in?" I ask gently, knowing we're about to get into it and searching my mind to find a way to make it go differently.

He pulls the door back so fast I almost lose my nails on the door handle.

"Ouch!" I pull my hand in close to my chest.

"You've got ten minutes you piece of shit dope grower!" Evan yells up the stairs looking past me standing in the doorway.

"Evan shush! The neighbours."

"I can't believe you'd let yourself be manipulated by this guy Marley. He's using you! What a loser, just fucks you and then uses you to dry his weed!" his eyes pleading with me.

I push him back into the suite.

"That's not for you to decide, is it? This is my life. Let me make my own decisions and mistakes" I say getting quiet still trying to diffuse the situation.

"I won't have it here Marley."

"Well that wasn't the way to go about it. You said it was my space and I could do what I wanted. Remember?" I leave a long pause before adding "and... and I think you should leave."

"Fine!" he spits the word at me and I see the pain in his eyes.

Evan and I can't pretend there aren't raw feelings betweens us and living around each other has meant neither of us could move on. I feel bad but I know it's the only way for me to make my money back and have somewhere to live with Jasper. And even though it was likely that Evan would react this way to seeing another man in my bed I never thought he would actually feel entitled enough to come into my space let alone come into my bedroom. We were broken up.

I head back upstairs and Travis comes round the corner with anger in his eyes. He's pointing down at Evan behind me.

"Do you want the cops here? 'Cos as far as I can see we both don't need it."

Evan moves forward yelling up the stairs beside my ear.

"Yeah and I'll call 'em! Just get your weed and get out you fucking asshole!"

He gives Travis directions to the exit with his thumb.

"Are you that fucking stupid?" Travis comes down the stairs and stops just short of the landing.

Evan climbs the stairs pushing me further up them and as they inch closer to each other with me in the middle both are ready to punch on. I push them back and Travis walks back up the stairs. Evan pushes against my hand steaming.

"Evan please just go back into the suite."

I turn to leave and he tries one last attempt at what he thinks is slapping some sense into me.

"Marley he's brainwashed you!" his last desperate attempt to have me make Travis leave.

I try to shut the door and Evan grabs it and yells past me.

"I should knock your fucking head off Travis!"

"Okay. Let's go buddy, right now" Travis is back at my side.

"No Travis please don't" I push him back up the stairs.

"Go back inside your suite, please Evan."

"Fuck you, you piece of shit!" Evan yells at Travis as he takes a step back.

I shut the door behind him.

I feel like I'm sleepwalking. I'm so embarrassed that this guy thinks he controls my life to the point that he can come into my personal space and yell at my friends. It confirms for me the need to be free of that relationship and I crack open a can of Pepsi and walk back towards the drying room.

"So much for sleep god damn it!"

I round the corner into the spare room where Travis has grabbed a hammer from my toolbox and is slapping it into his palm. His eyes are wide and dark. I put my Pepsi down slowly on the windowsill.

"I'm going to have to knock him out and tie him up until it's done. Once the weed is dry and sold then I'll work out what to do with him," he continues slapping the hammer into his hand.

"Hey relax."

He's amped and serious. Touching his forearm I can practically feel the adrenalin running through his veins. These are the thoughts of a scared man. He could go back to jail, and he won't go back. We all worry about it in some way, those on probation more than most.

"Look, he's packing right now. He's leaving. Let's just get on with it. There'll be no more trouble."

I don't have time to process what's happening. It's all so dramatic and surreal. I watch Evan from the window as he packs his stuff into his truck. He's angry and his movements are exaggerated. How did he think it was going to end once he'd stormed into my space? He never thought things through. His leaving isn't what I wanted but the silence is better than the yelling.

Travis sits down to trim the remaining branches on the couch in front of the TV. The stench from the weed is unbelievable. I watch Evan peel out and have to assume he'll be back for another load. He's got more crap than that.

"I'm going to the garden centre for a jar of Ona Gel."

"Is it too early to grab beers?"

"Yeah a little" I shake my head to myself.

"Uh okay. You got coffee?"

"No."

"What do you mean no? Who doesn't have coffee?" he stops trimming and stares at me.

"Someone who doesn't drink it remember?" I shrug.

"Oh yeah."

"I'll get beers and coffee. Anything else?"

"Yeah a Macca's breakfast would be good. I'll fix you up when you get back."

"Sure. I should be back before Evan but if not don't get into it with him. I've locked the door and with my car gone he'll think we're out so just stay quiet and he wont know you're here."

Travis nods looking around him for the hammer that I've hidden in my bedroom closet.

"Jasper's in the yard. He'll bark if Evan comes back."

I get back before Evan and hand Travis a Starbucks coffee. I couldn't get my hot chocolate without feeling guilty about him not having a coffee. But it was hard knowing that for years that coffee was for Evan, and I'd never be getting him one again. Travis and I drink and eat in silence.

"I don't know how you can eat that shit for breakfast?"

"I need the sugar to kill my hangover and make-up for the lack of sleep" he mumbles through bites of an Egg McMuffin.

We watch Cold Case Files, Hockey and endless news programs and beer's are cracked around noon. We are in a constant stone. As I watch Evan leave for a third time I can see that the truck is not full. That'll be the last I see of him until he cools down and goes though the stages of grief. I don't think he really believed that we were over until this morning. And I think any thought I had of ever going back to him is now quashed.

"You reckon the Ona Gel's working?" Travis asks his eyes like slits.

"No. And it's supposed to be an industrial strength deodorizer! The fifty-year-old lady at the Garden Centre who sold it to me told me her husband says it smells like prison. How does he know?" my eyes are wide.

"Really? I wonder what he did?" Travis butts out the joint in the ashtray.

"Well growing or selling dope I assumed based on their legal line of work."

I'm overwhelmingly depressed as I think about the last few days, months and years. Hiding away. Would this fog in my brain ever clear to a better outlook? I look over at Travis in his old man pajama bottoms and crappy undershirt. Probably not!

Six days after the Evan fiasco Travis goes back to stay at The Barn. I'm exhausted. My shoulder blades have been tight for over a week and lying back in the bath I can feel the quiet of the house now that there's no one else but me in it. It's the first time I've had to acknowledge that Evan is gone. Really gone. We aren't living in the same space and there's no chance to rekindle our relationship. I feel sad. Miserable. It's the end of a period in my life. I sob uncontrollably grieving the past and fearing the future. My chest is heavy and as I wipe tears away from my puffy eyes with the backs of my hands I smear snot onto my cheek. Pulling my head under the water to wash it I close my eyes and listen to the water moving around me. There's something soothing about the way things sound when water is blocking your ear.

"Is everything okay?" I'm puffing in the heat as I pull off my jacket and settle into a booth at The Seymour Pub.

"Uh-huh" Travis looks around as the young blonde server approaches.

"Hi, what can I get you?" she asks in a husky voice, one arm on the back of his seat. I raise an eyebrow and look at him smiling.

"Heine?" he points at me.

"Sure."

"Two bottles of Heineken. Cheers!"

"No problem. Will I leave a menu?" she asks him leaning in, boobs falling out of her tiny top as she does.

"Sure!" he engages in lingering eye contact with her.

She finally walks away and he turns to me.

"You sure it's okay I come back out to Squamish?"

He'd only been gone a day. Less than 24 hours. I'd weakened on the phone but I told myself I had plenty of time to be on my own in the future.

"Yeah its cool."

He nods and smiles.

"Hey a friend of mine told me you can do a "Vanity Search" on Google and see if you're mentioned anywhere on the net."

I look at him puzzled.

"What?"

I'm not sure what he's saying.

"Why would you or I be on there? Celebrities I can see but..."

"I don't know the details?" he shrugs at me already somewhere else, "I thought you might know something about it?"

The server brings the beer to the table and I notice that he doesn't even look at her this time. I look around me. Nothing but old men! Maybe we come here when Travis is feeling insecure? He's certain to get the server's undivided attention if the only competition is older guys.

"What happened when you saw Sean?" I push.

He drinks a healthy amount of beer and eventually leans forward, his voice quiet.

"Well I got back there and everything was cool. And when Darren went out I asked Sean whether he'd thought any more about what Kat had said? He said he took her to a therapist."

Sitting back Travis takes another sip of his beer.

"Really? What'd they say?"

"He said that they talked to the counselor or therapist or whatever individually about the incident, and then went in together. The counselor person told Sean she thinks Katrina is not telling the exact truth, but wonders what the real truth is? Sean thinks maybe someone touched her, but he said he doesn't think it was me?" he shrugs and sighs.

I lean in towards him and lower my voice.

"Did you ever touch her? And before you jump on me, I mean did you ever put a hand on her shoulder or knee, or you know, maybe smack her playfully on the butt?" I try to use my soft non-judgmental voice.

"No, No, No and No!" he shakes his head.

I sit back doubting.

"Seriously? Not even a hug?"

"No. You know me, when do I ever initiate physical interaction?"

I raise my eyebrows thinking if he'd ever reached out to me when we weren't already in bed.

"I guess you've got a good point there."

I smile but he's serious.

"No Marley. I never touched her. Not even a hug!"

Nothing he says will convince me that there's absolutely no truth to Katrina's story.

"So what's the plan?"

"What with Sean?"

"No what's your plan with coming back to Squamish again?"

"Yeah sorry. It's just for tonight. If you could drop me back in Vancouver tomorrow that'd be great and I'll get the ferry to the island?"

"So when will you be grabbing this stuff?"

"Oh I reckon it'll take the week to dry with how wet it is. I'll talk to you from the island."

I don't want him at the house any longer but I want his gear there even less. I'm still taking all the risk for no reward. Not to mention the hydro I was paying for to keep the heater on. When did my assistance with his gear end?

Six days after I drop Travis at the ferry we're back in the woods. It's the second outdoor Harvest and I can't believe he talked me into coming out here again. Travis grabs whatever is left in both plots with flowers on it and the plants are sad, all pushed over by the weather and half of them with only tiny buds. We barely strip the plants this time knowing how long it takes and having discovered that it's not worth it and in our better spot uphill to trim them, we're still wet and cold but we aren't getting as battered by the wind.

Travis has arranged with Sean to dry this lot at The Barn. He knew he could get everyone else to trim this shit real cheap, possibly for just a little smoke alone. It's a crapshoot as to how it'll go especially with the accusations in the air, but I'm confident as long as we can fit it in the trunk and get it to The Barn it becomes Travis problem. I'm over it.

"So how's the Katrina thing?" I prod having waited half the day to ask.

"Oh yeah you know..." his voice crackles.

I know I should have left it alone already but then that's not my style.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have asked. We can talk about something else if you like?"

"No well, I remembered that I did smack her on the butt and shoo her out of the bathroom."

"When?"

"The night of the party. I was on the phone to Pat. You remember? It was a busy night at The Barn!" he looks at me for confirmation.

"Uh-huh" I nod unsure thinking back.

I need to pee but I want to finish this conversation so I'm struggling to stay focused while squeezing my legs together in the cold wind.

"Anyway she's in the bathroom just looking at herself in the mirror. You know, like making faces, sucking in her cheeks, that kind of thing. I've got Pat in my ear about a deal where I can make a good chunk of change and there's a lot of background noise. Laughing, music, I dunno, just noise. And I want the bathroom so I go in and nudge her gently and smile. She nudges me back and it's a game. I ask her if I can use the bathroom and she says 'In a minute.' She's being quite cheeky and pushes me out of the room. So I tell Pat to hang on and I smack Kat playfully on the butt as I push her out and shut and lock the door behind her. That's it."

I nod at him taking it all in. I'd asked him before if he'd touched her even playfully. He'd said nothing like that had happened, now this?

"Well, that could explain it? I'd be pissy with you, especially because she's charmed by you" I shrug and tilt my head to the side.

I'm holding back all of my questions and judgments and I'm even giving him an out at every turn so that he'll keep talking.

"But it's still kind of weird to cry sexual interference though?" I push.

He stops trimming to roll up a joint. I can see he's thinking and I can also see how wet he is. This wasn't a good way to make a living. Nobody told us what to do though, and we kept telling ourselves that was important.

"I think she's just looking for attention. And you've seen Sean right now, all proud and being a supportive dad to her. She's gotta be loving that. He's usually so out of it," he mumbles as he licks the side of the paper on the joint.

Why do I hear any conversation he has about this issue as justification? Is it because I've already made up my own mind about him and it's not good? Or could I be jealous deep down inside that he might actually find this pre-teen attractive? And what did that say about me if I found him attractive?

"How's it going to go, drying the weed at The Barn then?"

I don't really want to hear the answer. Why the hell did I ask? I mentally cross my fingers hoping he doesn't hint that my place would be a better proposition.

"Ah we'll work it out. It's money for him so..." he shrugs "But I'm pissed off. Everyone thinks I'm a fucking pervert!"

I nod. We do.

"Sean said Janie's been good about them trying to be closer for Katrina's sake. I just hope that they can work out what the real problem is you know? I mean I want them to resolve this."

I nod. I'd been wondering where the mother was in all this?

"Sean said something to me the other day that seemed strange though."

"What was that?" I keep looking at him as I'm trimming and almost nick myself with the shears as I do.

"Shit! That was close."

"What happened?" he looks at me.

"It looks like I missed any main arteries" I wince looking at my finger.

Travis drags another tree over to us and removes a new branch.

"Sean hinted that maybe Janie's new boyfriend had touched Katrina and she was just scared to say who it really was?"

"Really? So did they work out that she's been interfered with then?" I'm confused.

"I think they said that she's active" Travis motions quotation marks on the last word.

"What?" I can't work this all out, "I thought you told me the counselor said that they thought that she hadn't been sexually touched."

"That's what I thought but no, apparently she's had sex."

He rubs his brow and points at me lighting a joint.

"Maybe she's covering for a little boyfriend, a cousin or a family friend? I mean things happen earlier these days and she is starting to develop?"

It's weird that he talks about her developing. I don't think women notice that as much.

"But why would you say someone else touched you if they didn't? And I'm not saying YOU did. Why would you alert people to your sexual experience if that's all it is?"

"I couldn't tell you" Travis shrugs and hands me the joint.

"I feel sorry for her" I say it before I can stop myself.

"Feel sorry for her? She's not the one everyone thinks is a pedophile!"

"She's sooooooo young Travis. It really could be that she's just young and stupid."

"Well that's a given with what she's said about me."

Travis's face doesn't change. He's tired and serious. All I can hear is the wind whistling through the trees and Jasper chewing on a stick. I promise myself that I wont get into any heavy discussion with Travis on the way home. I just want this experience to be over. These trips have gotten very stale.

I trim with as much speed as I can muster and we have another six garbage bags of weed to drag home. With the onset of darkness we hustle to load up the bags and driving out I concentrate on the winding dirt road before me while Travis casually drinks a beer and rolls a joint in the passenger seat. Before I know it we're on the highway and I breathe out heavily, trying to relax my shoulders.

"Are you alright Marley?" Travis laughs at me.

This is the last trip out to Hope for me. It's over.

"Yeah I'm good" I nod smiling.

We drive in silence while I ponder what the end of the outdoor setup means to me.

"You're taking it to The Barn right?" there's doubt in my tone.

"Yeah it'll be fine. You don't even need to come down to trim it."

I had no intention of doing so but I let him believe I would've. Why burst the generosity bubble? It gets me wondering when he thinks our verbal contract is considered over though?

My head hurts from too much wine last night. My throat's dry and swallowing is uncomfortable. I snuggle under the duvet and toss and turn wishing my car seats were more comfortable for sleeping. Travis is stretched back in the seat beside me with his eyes closed.

"You okay?" he mumbles.

"Yeah. I just can't get comfortable and my eyelids feel like sandpaper on my eyeballs."

"Ugh! Brutal. Maybe try closing them eh?"

The ferry ride to the island is fun the first time. Every other trip is long and painful and you miss nothing by staying in your car and sleeping or getting high and playing Cribbage. Travis sits up and plays with the radio.

"Hair of the dog?" he nudges me, "I swear by it."

He'd know.

"I guess. Why have you got a bottle of something?" I look around him.

"No" he laughs, "are you that sick?"

"No. I just thought that's what you were offering."

We drive straight from the ferry to the pub. Travis navigates and Jasper waits dutifully in the car while we chug back a couple of beers. After the pub we take Jasper to the woods and hike around on the cliff tops in the drizzling rain. It's typical West Coast weather and we're quite damp by the time we get to Travis's basement apartment. We unload our bags and the dog as darkness approaches and we stand in front of a small door at the bottom of a three-level house.

"Oh right" Travis pats his pockets, "You guys stay here. I'll be right back."

Travis jumps up on a box beside the house, opens a small window and with his slight frame is able to climb up and slither in. If I'd had to do the same I'd have trouble. Jasper and I listen to him moving things and shuffling about inside and I worry that we might be breaking into someone else's place? When he opens the front door he stretches his arm out inside.

"Welcome to my palace!" he laughs.

He steps back inside and turns on a lamp in the corner. I'm neither surprised nor horrified at the space and my eyes dart around and I perform a quick mental inventory; A flimsy mattress on the floor with two ridiculously flat looking pillows on top and an open sleeping bag for a blanket, a messy pile of newspapers in the corner jammed in behind the front door, dirty dishes on the sink, a tiny dark bathroom in the back that you step up into at which point the ceiling becomes very close to your head, toothpaste stained sink, no toilet paper, a 1970s lamp and shade on a 1950s kitchen table, a beat up old cassette player with the aerial extended towards the window on an over turned milk crate and two 1950s kitchen chairs.

The entire scene fits him perfectly. My expectations hadn't been any higher. Travis turns the little electric heater on and the room feels cosy. Jasper finds a spot in the corner and curls up for a sleep. I pour myself a mug of wine and Travis tunes the radio to the University of Victoria station. He's unhappy with the 90's song they're playing and he wanders off to the bathroom leaving me in his sparsely furnished, no TV living room/dining room/bedroom. I grab an old paper from behind the door. It's dated nine days earlier and I imagine him sitting here at this little old table reading it then.

"Hey I'm going to the store for some chicken and salad for dinner" Travis appears in the doorway freshly showered and grabs my keys, "I ran a bath for you. I wont be long."

"Oh okay" I'm surprised at the gesture.

I like a bath, only not in a dirty tub. I look down at the steaming water and decide the sides of the tub don't look too bad. I creep in slowly adjusting to the heat and sitting back I read the paper as the vapors clear my sinuses. From this angle I can see how grungy and moldy the walls are and instinctively my muscles tighten and I pull my arms close to my body. The water is hot. Hopefully hot enough to kill any germs and before long sweat is running off my face and I have a hard time breathing so I stand up in the tub and hang my arms off the shower curtain rail above my head, caring less about germs and more about living. I breathe heavily catching my reflection in the mirror. Who is this shiny lobster person staring back at me? And why is she here, naked, in this filthy tub?

Travis plates a yummy budget dinner and we play a few rounds of blackjack. The rain comes down harder on the roof as the darkness closes in and I snuggle down in the bed feeling horny. Travis reads the National Post beside me and I grab the entertainment section and rub my foot against his leg. He shifts a little and then reads me an article from his paper. I sip from my third mug of wine and try to enjoy the moment. No TV. No work. No worries.

Travis finishes reading and I climb up on top of him and the newspaper straddling his lap. I lean in and kiss him throwing my arms around his neck. He kisses me back but it feels more out of obligation than passion. It's nice but... I don't like nice. And I don't like rejection.

"You wanna?" I breathe into his ear rubbing my warm breasts against his bare chest.

"Mmmm... I'm pretty tired. I was just going to read the paper and..." he yawns, and then seeing my face change quickly covers his mouth with his hand and shrugs.

"Sorry."

I climb off him slowly feeling upset and not sure how to react. I'm angry.

"That's okay I'm pretty tired too. Can I have this section?" and I point to the newspaper on the bed.

"It's yours."

He pats the side of my leg as though he's telling me I'm a 'Good Girl.'

I snuggle down under the sleeping bag and lie on my side with my back to him.

"It's not like we have great sex anyway," I mumble.

"Really?"

He sounds surprised by the comment.

"Yeah. You know. It's not like it's been amazing, right?"

He doesn't respond and shuffles the newspaper so that I know he's no longer talking. I close my eyes and the hum of the classical music on the radio helps me drift off to sleep.

Travis and I stop at the pub for dinner on our way to the ferry. We share a large nachos, a pitcher of Budweiser and it's Bud only because it's on special and some niggling banter. It's been a long couple of days on Vancouver Island. Travis is going to The Barn to check on his weed and I'm happy to be getting home. I'm frustrated sexually and emotionally in his presence.

"You told me I sucked in bed" he grins drinking some beer and looking at me over the rim of the glass.

"I did not." I laugh taken aback. "I said..."

He cuts me off.

"Are you sure you remember it right Marley? It was only the other night. You were a little drunk..." he's smug.

I feel my temperature rise. I was sober enough to know what I'd said but I'm tipsy now and have to be careful not to overreact.

"What I said was we hadn't had great sex yet! Not that you personally sucked when it came to time between the sheets" I smile protesting.

I have to wonder what it is that a penis takes from the male mind to make it so retarded? I'm annoyed at his distortion of my words. He finishes his glass of beer smacking his lips and rubbing his belly in satisfaction and I've never noticed it before but this quirk bugs me. It reminds me of Homer Simpson and I hate The Simpsons. I sit up straight aware that we've come to that moment where I go from being happily entertained to being an antagonizing bitch.

"Are you nearly done 'cos' I'm tired. Lets get to the ferry eh?"

He looks up from his beer surprised and smiles.

"Yeah sure."

I pull my wallet out slowly as Travis finishes the last of his beer. I look the check over and he still doesn't reach for any money. The smallest I have is a $50 note. Once he sees it he puts his glass down and stands up.

"Can you get this one and I'll get you back on the next visit? I'm running a little low" he pats his pockets for effect.

I nod and smile looking up at him.

"Sure."

I'm seething. I keep telling myself I don't have to see him again if I don't want to. But that isn't true. I still need him to broker my weed and he's also lending me a couple of lights and ballasts. I get the check. I have no choice.

NOVEMBER

It's 10.45am on a snowy morning and I spark my morning tea joint. Jasper and I aren't going anywhere in a hurry. Sitting on the couch, I'm three drags in staring at The Chief through the front window when there's a knock at the door. The TV's unmistakably on so I can't ignore it and because Jasper's barking I can't say later that I didn't hear it. Shit! I slowly stand up sneak a look at the driveway and don't recognize the blue car parked there. I didn't even hear the car pull in. I put the joint out and fan my arms around trying to dissipate the blue smoke as I go down to the landing.

I open the front door and my heart instantly beats faster. Adrenalin is pumping through my veins. My brain is in panic mode making my body sweat and shake. It's every grower's nightmare. The Property Manager! The house reeks and so do I. The dog barks excitedly behind me and with the TV on I decide to join her outside on the porch, hoping she won't notice me being baked. It's raining so we stand close under the awning and I try not to breathe hoping my breath doesn't stink too badly. She hands me an official looking form.

"The owners would like their house back and they'd like you to vacate the property."

I stare like a deer in the headlights and finally blink prompting her to continue.

"You guys have two months to find a new place, but the good news is we have other properties on the books coming up for rent at the same price you're paying."

"Oh great. There goes Christmas!"

"It's not that bad. We'll be able to find you something. There are some condos coming up and ..."

"Hmmmm... Well we have family coming to visit this year and we need the space."

I need to vomit. I'm hot. I can't get enough air.

"You don't have to be out until after Christmas Marley and I'm sure we'll have something bigger to rent before then."

I hear the blower running so clearly in the garage beside her and I smile my nervous smile. I wonder if she can hear it too?

"I'll talk to Evan and let you know our plans."

"Sounds Great. Thanks Marley," and she teeters in her heels back down the icy driveway to her car.

She had no idea Evan and I were no longer together and that he didn't even live here anymore. What was worse than having to find a new house was that now I'd need Evan's help to move the grow. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Four more months and I would've been clear. Out of debt and out of the business. Stupid homeowners! I'm so angry at the timing. I have to assume I did something horrible in a former life. Evan's living in a hotel and cursing the day I was born. He's hurting and broke and the very sight of me makes him anxious. To ask him for a favour is hard but to call and ask for his help moving home, moving the set-up and also maintaining the charade of a relationship for the landlords, that's excruciating.

I dial his number and hold my finger over the send button while I work out what I'm going to say. I don't want to drag it out. I don't want to fight. I hear it ringing and can feel how tense my shoulders are.

"What?" he barks coldly.

He's abrupt as always but I know that without projecting anger comes emotion and sadness and he was fighting to hold his head up around me.

"Hi, Evan it's Marley."

Silence. He knew it was me before he answered. He has caller ID.

"Umm...I sort of need a favour. Diane the property manager just stopped by and I have to move..."

I trail off giving him a minute to take it all in.

"I was thinking maybe we could get together and talk about..."

Evan is gruff and quick to answer.

"I'm pretty busy today but I'll call you tomorrow to talk about it. Okay?"

"Okay thanks."

He's gone before I finish speaking.

Travis and I decide on a pint at the Railway Club. It's raining and cold out and they always have a cosy corner to rest our weary bones in. I like the red glow of the table candles and the décor. The ceiling is low like an English Pub too. It's the right spot for the miserable type of day.

"Free shots?" a Bacardi rep offers as pajama-clad people wander past me.

"Uh sure" I take it them from her.

"What about a glow necklace?"

"Oh hell yeah! Let's get this party started!" I smile at Travis as the chick puts a necklace around my neck.

I throw back the first shot as Travis rejects the necklace. He's too cool for that garb! He takes two shots though. We find a table in the back corner near a group of girls in their pajamas. Travis beams as he watches them braid each other's hair.

"You want a beer?"

I look at the shot I still have in my hand. I am driving.

"Yeah sure."

We pull ourselves into a booth in the corner and from the windows I can see the street below where drug deals are taking place.

"How did you go with the outdoor stuff?"

"Most of it's still drying but he's not happy."

I nod sympathetically but I'm very removed from the situation.

"How did your report go over?"

"Oh that. Yeah it was fine" Travis laughs.

He'd written up a report about how the entire outdoor grow operation had gone, including weather conditions and hazards around the crops, making sure to include many reasons for the crop to have not produced the way he'd initially promised. I had to imagine some white-collar guy must have invested in him. Because I'd never seen anyone in the dope industry need or want anything written down on paper.

I stare at Travis while he looks around the room. He isn't as smart as I once thought he was. I know him better. I see his flaws now. My romanticized vision is being attacked by bitterness. We haven't had sex in weeks. I've seen nothing in the way of money to pay for the hydro he'd used to dry his weed at my place. I run him places under the guise of us getting together and I'm starting to feel very used.

Three pints and two shots later I drop Travis off in the pouring rain on Nanaimo Street. In my drunken fog I've started an argument and he leaves the car abruptly. I hate to leave anyone on bad terms and I play the scene over in my head on the drive back to Squamish. I search for how the whole thing started and all I remember is his comment.

"Want some cheese with that?" Travis had raised his glass and grinned at me after I finished a monologue on the ridiculous state of the world and the people in it.

"Am I whining? Sorry."

"Hey that's alright. It's not the first time."

He'd laughed again. All this time I thought I was just sharing my opinion?

"Am I really a whiner?"

"Umm... not a whiner. Maybe a moaner?" he offers.

"Really? So I bring people down?"

"Not always but you have your share of negativity to spread" he'd laughed.

"Well if that's so then I can only blame my surroundings."

"Why's that?"

"Because I'm otherwise happy and the only thing that impacts that are external forces!"

I had stared at him with my eyes wide indicating he was partly to blame. I think he was having a shot at me in retaliation for the 'not great sex' comment but it surprises me to think that I'm one of those nagging people who talks about life so negatively.

I'm going to have to call to apologize for my behavior even though he started it. I'll wait a couple of days though because he wasn't happy when he left.

I sit forward closer to PIL.

"I have a question!"

"Well go on then you big, needy attention-getter you" Jess chides as she snaps her cell phone shut.

"Okay" I pause, " So you're in the hospital and you're hooked up to all the machines, you're not very well right? And not only are you feeling yucky but because you're in the hospital the food tastes awful, the place smells sanitary, it's cold and you're surrounded by strangers. And then you start to die..."

"Oh my god, you're morbid today!" PIL shakes her head.

Shoveling muffin into her mouth her fingers look as though they should be in a commercial. The manicure she's just had is so slick. I look down at my own fingernails in comparison, dirty and chipped. All short, no polish, not feminine and I tuck my hands together in my lap.

"So you're fading fast and just before entering the peaceful world of the afterlife and stepping towards the white light and all that, would you really want the last thing you hear to be that damn machine beeping as you fucking flat line?"

I pause and Jess shakes her head at me smiling.

"Where do you come up with this stuff?"

"It's just in my head Jess, I can't help it" I shrug, wondering why other people don't think about things?

"It's true. That would be the last thing a lot of people hear" PIL nods covering her mouth, "How horrible!"

She reaches deep into her bag and looks around her. The way she does it I wonder if she's brought a gun?

"Snap. Quick change" she clicks her fingers "I have the latest Cosmo Sex Tips, anyone?"

"Ooooh goodie, lets see what ridiculous things I'm expected to do to rock his world this year" Jess rubs her hands together.

I look over her shoulder for the coffee Nazi, the lady with the moustache that runs the Starbucks on Marine Drive who told us we should try to find another location for morning coffee. It was after Jess told PIL the story of she and I going to the Kitten Adult Theatre and the way the old guys all filtered in and slowly moved until they were sitting all around us, and we shrieked with laughter at the memory.

"I guess we've decided were not coming back here then huh?" I ask.

Jess looks for moustache woman and shrugs.

"Fuck her! We're not hurting anyone."

PIL nods and puts the magazine on the table.

"Yeah fuck her!" she spreads the magazine open and runs her finger down the page, "Okay there are a hundred tips... so we'll just skim over any that suck. And they're supposedly compiled by guys so let me know if you think that's actually true?"

"Okay" Jess and I murmur.

"Let's see" she stops at number four "It says: Kiss like you mean it – wrap both your lips around each of mine and around my tongue."

"Well that's boring! Very PG." I say sitting back in my chair.

"Yeah if you aren't a good kisser by the time you get to sex then you're sort of screwed. I do hate a bad kisser though!" Jess looks like she just sucked on a lemon.

"I hate bad breath," I pipe up.

"Oh my God! Me too!" Jess shivers as if she's remembering something horrible.

"Number 3: During oral sex, extra saliva = very good" PIL continues.

"Are they serious? This was written by men? What woman wants to suck dry cock?" I shake my head.

"Anything about a finger in the asshole?" Jess adds enthusiastically, "lots of 'em like that."

"Oh yeah, they do" PIL nods.

"Gross" I make a face pulling the list from under PIL's hand and checking it for the word anal.

"Is it there?" Jess asks curiously over my shoulder.

"Here's something. Number 90; Oral sex and hand jobs get instantly hotter if you massage my butt and even stroke around my back door at the same time" I read laughing.

We shriek and squirm making everyone in the lineup stare.

"See. I told you. I've told you girls that many times" Jess is smiling and pointing at us like a teacher, "buy yourself a good nail brush!"

"It was definitely written by guys!" PIL laughs her eyes watering.

"Or was it? All the guys I know wouldn't actually admit to, let alone discuss or write down that they like anything near their butts. That's gay!" I say too loudly. Moustache woman comes from the back office to see what's going on and she whispers to the barista and they glare at us.

"Whoops!" PIL makes a popping sound while pretending to pull a finger out of a butt wiping it under her nose pretending to make a moustache.

I laugh at her Dirty Sanchez inference towards moustache lady.

"I'm always worried about my nails" Jess says out of nowhere, looking at her perfectly polished acrylic nails.

"What? Of losing one up there?" PIL shrieks.

I cringe laughing at the thought.

"No" Jess looks flustered, "of... you know, cutting his skin? Nicking it. Tearing it."

"Me too" I laugh helping her, "It's not like they make it easy to get your finger in there in the first place. Plenty of them tense up when you get anywhere near their hole."

The laughter intensifies, most of it just at the frankness of our conversation in the coffee shop and taking a breather I pick up my drink. My hot chocolate is nearly finished it's at that point where it just tastes more like milk left in the bowl after you finish your cocoa puffs. It's lukewarm and I put it back down as PIL grabs the list back off me.

"Number 86; It may sound like a bad porn film, but an ex-girlfriend liked to have me "finish" on her chest, right between her breasts."

"Oh God!" Jess says rolling her eyes to the ceiling, " she asked him to jizz between her breasts? How many times have I taken that request?"

"Sure guys are okay with that... but if they liked that every time I'd never have to swallow again would I!" I swallow deeply for effect and pretend to dry wretch.

"Ain't that the truth!" PIL nods grabbing her breasts and squeezing them together "right here baby!"

"Oh PIL that's a vision I can never erase from my mind" I grin.

Jess grabs at the list.

"Let me see that."

"Here let's see number 43: Pull just a little on my balls when you go down on me."

She throws the list on the coffee table.

"Come on. This list is pathetic. As long as you touch a man below the belt and do it like it's the only thing you live and breathe to do, you can't go wrong."

"We'll that's certainly worked for you hasn't it?" PIL smiles supportively at her squeezing her leg.

"Why yes, yes it has!" she checks herself

"And I'm guessing the sex swing hasn't hurt?" I add.

"The swing makes it easier to whore it up for him from time to time!" Jess grins.

The smell hits me as soon as I open the grow room door. Fresh weed. There's nothing else like it. The room is sealed and the charcoal filter runs twenty-four hours a day to ensure the neighbours smell nothing. I step in and close the door behind me blinded by the lights I put my sunglasses on. I smell the wet earth and can feel photosynthesis occurring. In a weird way I like it, my secret garden. There's sanctity in the space and a calming comes over me whenever I'm inside, as if I'm in a bubble and nothing can touch me.

Looking at the dried plants I see days upon days worth of trimming to do and only me to do it. I turn the CD player on and pick up the shears. My thumb and finger hurt from the trimming I've already done. My fingers are raw too from the resin all over my skin. The sticky buds cause the scissors to stick together and it's a long and tedious process. I just keep scraping them down and balling up the sticky resin to smoke later. Christmas time and just beyond it into the New Year is the worst time to move weed in the Lower Mainland. And because of my garden's cycle I'm facing the horrible process of sitting on the weed until the market changes. Whenever that will be? There always seems to be an excess of product out there and the holidays just mean moving it is more restricted due to increased border patrol. The prices might not return to a more 'favourable' position for months. I stop trimming and go upstairs to read the newspaper. The high-density lights are working my tired eyes over.

I make a cup of green tea and check my phone. No messages. Sitting down at the dining room table I spark a joint and exhale slowly. The sun through the window warms my head but the glare makes it impossible to read to the newspaper. I pull the curtain over just enough to block the sun and so that I can still look out at The Chief. The paper is thin but it's Tuesday so it's not surprising, nothing good ever happens on a Monday.

The Langley Fire Department responded to a call and found a forty-four year old man lying dead from electrocution next to a garden shed in his yard. They also found about one hundred pot plants inside. He was working the electrical bypass option and killed himself. One hundred plants is nothing. They'd get a little smoke after three months work. It was certainly nothing worth dying for. Cutting corners is common practice for those trying to save a dollar but accidents happen too. Unfortunately for this guy the two collided and it killed him.

"Darren's got a buddy staying at The Barn who's just been released from a jail in the US. Oscar."

"What'd he do?"

"Imported pot into the US" Travis says as if it's a common occurrence.

"Huh. How'd he do it?"

"He drove the haul across the border at Blaine in the trunk of a car."

I nod as if taking it all in. Travis drinks his first beer in three big chugs.

"It was his third time."

"Third time caught or doing the trip?"

"Doing the run."

"Huh. How'd they get him?" I speak more slowly trying not to seem nosey.

"I guess he knew nothing other than the car he was driving was carrying drugs and that he had to drive it to the drop off point same as the other runs. He parked the car at the Bellis Fair Mall leaving the keys in it as usual and he headed towards the replacement car where his money was waiting..."Travis pauses to have a hacking cough into his fist, "...sorry about that, anyway, only this time when he grabbed the door handle on the replacement car a bunch of cops jumped out. American cops."

"Uh oh!"

"Yeah. It was all downhill from there."

"How old is he?"

Travis shrugs.

"Twenty-five, maybe twenty-eight?"

"That's young to have been in an American jail."

Travis nods.

"And when the cops recorded the arrest they said he had less money on him than he actually had and so in the end he came back to Canada with nothing. Other than a criminal record and two years in a US prison of course."

"Bugger me! Soooooooo not worth it."

"Yeah but back then he was only a Concierge doing nightshift at The Hotel Van. Some businessman, a regular patron of the hotel offered him US$5,000 just to drive a car with drugs in it across the border. US$5000 is a lot of money for a Concierge right? And from what I hear it sounds Oscar likes to gamble too."

I nod. I knew plenty of guys in the hospitality industry who would be tempted by that kind of offer.

"And apparently he squealed like a pig to reduce his sentence! And now that he's free I guess there are people who want retribution so the guy never leaves the house. He'd be better off inside. He just seems so... I dunno? Nervous. Twitchy or flighty maybe?"

"What like a bird that's been caged and is suddenly free and has no idea what to do with itself?"

"Sort of. No flighty's not the right word. He's very quiet but also jumpy."

"Probably a side effect of jail?" I venture.

"Maybe?" he shrugs "And Darren will go out right?"

I nod as he takes another sip of beer putting the glass down hard.

"...and Oscar will be sitting in the same spot as he was when Darren left. In front of the computer, playing video games, smoking dope and waiting for Darren to bring home some kind of dinner."

"You wouldn't know what to do with yourself I guess?"

"I guess. But still, you'd think you'd want more freedom?" he shrugs again "Darren invited you to Orphan Christmas at The Barn by the way."

What? Where did that come from?

"Darren invited me? Darren did?"

Travis says nothing. I guess it's Darren's affair and his home but it makes me wonder if Travis is taking someone else? We are just friends after all.

"Are you going?" I ask gently.

"Yeah I'll be there but I usually go a bit later after I help out at the shelter."

"Right."

I'm reminded that his philanthropic-self volunteers in the kitchen of a shelter at Christmas.

"What time do you hand out the meals until?"

"Eight o'clock but if I do the early shift I leave around 7pm."

I nod. He's saying he won't be at The Barn until late.

"The prep shift" I say knowingly.

"Exactly."

I don't see him doing that shift though because he's not one to peel potatoes. I don't want to be at The Barn if Travis isn't there so I probably wont go. I look around me. The Cambie has filled up since we arrived and it's packed. It's hot and my hair is sticking to the back of my neck.

"Wanna dance?" I smile broadly knowing the answer but trying anyway.

"No."

I get up and walk to the dance floor and join a few other girls. The music grabs me and I sway in the corner. I'm high and drunk and I sing and dance in my own world. I spin around and stop and then spin back the other way flicking my head back, sweat flying off me in all directions and I feel water in my mouth. Shit! I'm going to be sick. My eyes struggle to focus on the bathroom door as I hurtle myself towards it and that calm feeling just before my stomach is going to flip it's contents out comes over me. I cover my mouth with my hand and I no longer hear the music. All I want is fresh air and a place to lay down my dinner. I rush towards the first open cubicle trying not to draw attention to myself but I hit the door with my shoulder in my rush. I hear it hit but barely feel the pain and the stall door is open when I puke in front of everyone, holding back nothing in the way of noise either. The girls near me make gagging noises between giggles, and I hear someone say "Liquor Pig" as I look up to see them leaving the bathroom. I instantly feel better and wash my hands and wipe my mouth at the sink. The mirrors are stainless steel not glass so the reflection is not great and the lighting is very poor.

"Nice hair" I say to the girl beside me as I dry my hands and she smiles at me in the mirror.

I pull my shoulders back and head out to the bar. Travis has gathered female attention at the table and as I walk up I look at the young redhead sitting in my seat.

"Hi" I smile at her.

"Hi" she says back and smiles at Travis.

"Here's your beer!" he says proudly displaying a new pint, looking around him for another seat.

"Cheers" I take a sip and shiver.

Ugh! Tap beer and I'm already sick and way too drunk. I put the pint down next to his and lean over him and grab my bag.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Just hungry. You want some crisps?"

"Nah. I'm good."

"That's right. You only eat good food. You're very disciplined."

"I don't mean to be. I just like to eat real food."

"Right" I nod.

I'm drunk. I should go home. I smile at the redhead and walk to the bar. I'm served quickly and as I turn back to the table I see the redhead leaving. She waves to Travis as she goes.

"Your friend had to leave?" I drop my chips onto the table.

"Oh Mandy, yeah. Darren used to see her," he adds.

That doesn't mean Travis won't take a crack.

DECEMBER

Slipping around in the snow on my way to the car my muscles are working hard to keep me upright. I'm hitting the gym again and happily running four miles a day. My body feels great but my knees aren't thanking me although I'm hoping they'll get used to it because I feel tighter. Fitter. Happier. Job details are on my mind for this morning's run. I have to take the garbage out. Taking the garbage out is never a nice task no matter what type of garbage. The chore of getting rid of the dirt once I harvest is the worst job for me. I hate it. Most people hate the trimming. Trimming I like, compared to having to take the dirt with perilite and stems in garbage bags to the woods to dump it. The dirt is usually so dry that it stays in form. From the outside of the black bags it looks like three-gallon bucket dirt forms and when ditched it still stays in form, making it obviously dirt from potted plants.

I put four to five buckets of dirt in each garbage bag. In the middle of the night I take them out to the garage and load them into the trunk of the car. Heading out onto one of the many logging roads around Squamish I'll take an old offshoot and dump the bags. We used to slice the bottoms open and let the dirt fall over the cliffs to the gully below but the wind always blew it all over you and it took too long in the freezing cold of winter. The environment suffers a little but the bags breakdown eventually, I've seen it with the outdoor grows. Outdoor plants can be grown in big plastic garbage bags. It allows the plants to get quite big and the roots push though the bags to dig into the soil below.

The treadmill spins the mat at the same speed continuously. I like it that way. I look down and can see I've only been running for thirty minutes. I still have fifteen minutes to go. Sometimes I run a distance, other times I simply choose a time. It keeps things interesting and sometimes I compete with myself to get a better result. I'm competitive so I always like to see myself improve. My breathing eases into a rhythm again and I watch the cars and trucks go by below me in the snow scratching for traction. I too am scratching for traction. I need something to give me the grip to pull myself forward.

I've got seventy-three plants flowering, another sixty in vegetation and I just cut a hundred clones of which probably seventy-five to eighty will survive. Two hundred and eight plants approximately. By media standards if busted this would be considered a sizable grow op with a ridiculous street value. In reality, it was a mom and pop set-up. Close to $35,000 a year, tax free, and that's if it's cycled right and there're no pests.

My left leg is weak and I misstep grabbing for the sides of the treadmill before I fall down. My heart races and I try to clear my mind so my body relaxes again. I reminisce about the eighties and my first boyfriend. My independent life! I can see it clearly. The older guy with the car, the Mod outfits and clubs, the fifteen-year-old private school girl with a fake ID and a curfew of midnight on weekends that was forever broken. I wonder about my life with him. Where would I be now? Who the fuck cares? That son of a bitch left me and I'm exactly where I want to be because this is where I am. Waiting for some emotionally unavailable guy like Travis to finally choose me as the person he wants to share life with. Travis likes to tell his forty days and forty nights story. How the love of his life just up and left and he couldn't move or function for forty days. The worst time of his life and the reason to stop loving forever! I want play my air violin when he tells it. Yeah love hurts but it's pretty fucking good too.

I skip down the concrete steps just as a goal is scored and I run to the bar area to see the replay. I stop dead in my tracks.

"What the fuck?" I mutter.

I'm forced to do a double take because I'm in shock. I'm having an emotional reaction and I gasp for breath. I tuck in behind a pole and shrink down into my coat hunching my shoulders so that the fake fur comes up around my face. I hope I haven't been seen because what I'm seeing is making it hard not to stare. One minute I'm simply minding my own business roaming GM Place for a couple more beers and a pee stop while Travis watches the game, the next minute I turn a corner and I'm witness to a drunk-looking James hugging and kissing an unknown woman and she's young, pretty and petite. Very different looking to Jess.

Standing behind the pole while my stomach does a flip I review the image that just burned my retinas. James was the one doing all the groping. I look back and the woman is walking into the bathroom and James walks over to wait next to the bar. I slip quietly into the bathroom behind her without looking at him my heart racing and I feel like a stalker but tell myself it's only natural I'd want to check her out. As I walk in she's looking at herself in the mirror and she looks up at me in it. I'm staring at her trying to take as many mental notes as my stare will allow before it's considered rude.

"Hi" I mumble as nicely and non-committal as possible before I go into a cubicle.

I hover above the toilet squatting and getting mad. Not because I have to hover to keep from getting a disease but because if this chick knows about Jess then she's just a bitch. I'm not surprised to find her still fixing her face when I leave the cubicle and she has way too much make-up on. And no tits! I can't imagine what James is attracted to? I wash my hands and she smiles at me. I figure she's fair game now that she's hung around.

"Hey did you know the guy that you're cozy with out there is getting married to my friend?" I look at her in the mirror blankly.

She looks at me as if I'm not talking to her and I'm offended. We're the only ones in the bathroom after all. I throw the paper towel I dried my hands with into the bin and turn towards her.

"Hello? Did you hear what I said? I'm not joking. I mean, he has a wife to be and they're trying to make a baby for Christ's sake!" I stare at her incredulously, my mouth open.

"Are you talking about James?" she says sheepishly, as if she is too stoned to comprehend what I'm telling her.

Sure I've had a few beers and I'm more confrontational than normal but we're talking about one of my girls here. I enunciate as if talking to a simpleton.

"Yeah. Well, I guess so if you're seeing James White? THE James White that is standing outside the bathroom waiting for you?"

"What?" she's puzzled.

How dumb is she?

"He's fucking taken. The guy's engaged to my best friend. If he's telling you you're special then he's a liar. He's an ass! An ass who already has someone at home. You don't want to be second fiddle to another woman do you?"

She looks around her even though she knows we are alone and then leans in and whispers.

"Looks to me like I'm first fiddle. And your friend is the one getting slops" she goes back to touching up her mascara.

"Open your eyes pretty young thing!" I'm exasperated "Sex is sex. You're a play toy. If I wanted to fuck you, I probably could have pulled the same shit as James only better because I know women."

Her eyes widen and she shows me that it's not likely and that she's worldly.

"I bet he never told you he has Herpes?" I say louder and with conviction.

"What? Bullshit!" there's a slight quiver in her voice, "You're just making that shit up because you're pissed he's more into me than your friend."

I throw my hands up in the air and walk to the door.

"Do whatever you want but I'd see a doctor. And you're a bitch for just being with another woman's man. God help you if she finds out about you!" I laugh.

"Who the fuck are you anyway?"

"Pfffft!"

I grab the door handle and leave. I've got beers to buy and a game to watch. James is still standing by the snack counter when I push the bathroom door open with the force of a hurricane. There's no one else around so he stands out like dog's balls and so do I. I walk with purpose to the bar not looking in his direction but peripherally I see him turn away quickly. Fuck you James!

Thursday Coffee gives way to Thursday afternoon drinks at The Cactus Club in North Van. We finish a round of Crantini's and I look around for our server who's nowhere to be seen. I could tell she was flakey when she first appeared at our table with her apron on inside out and crappy service pisses me off.

"I have to get to the office" Jess is gathering her bag.

"Uh huh" I nod at her but I'm zoning out.

I'm too busy wondering how she ties her scarves in all these interesting ways around her neck? She reminds me of an Air Steward. Their hair is always so nicely swept up and they look like they have it together even after hours on their feet in a recycled air environment.

"I'm going to the bathroom."

"Uh huh."

I refuse to look at her because I don't want to stop daydreaming.

"Should we order some food?" PIL asks excitedly.

Jess doesn't answer as she walks away. My fazing out dissipates and I watch PIL run her finger over all of the different items on the menu. I check my phone. Travis hasn't called. Some guy in the entrance of the Cactus Club is screaming in pain. The whole restaurant turns to look and the Manager tries to help him to a seat but that only makes his agony worse as he hobbles to the chair. PIL and I cringe.

"Must have torn a thigh muscle from doing the splits?"

"Did he slip on the tiles?"

I shrug.

"I think so? Didn't see it. Just saw him getting to his feet."

I look down at the menu.

"That's exactly what I thought when I walked in. Damn these tiles are slippery!" PIL says seriously.

I laugh because of the way she says it.

"Really? Damn these tiles are slippery!" I smile cheekily.

"Yup! Damn these tiles are slippery! Try wearing heels once in a while Marley. It's hard. Slippery floors are not your friend" she wags her finger at me.

One of the servers has a mop and bucket ready to wipe the water from the floor and the guy that fell is sucking back a large glass of water. Jess walks back from the bathroom talking on her phone at the same time the server brings a jug of Margaritas. I throw my hands up questioning the drinks?

"Oh yeah, I ordered it" Jess says with the phone under her ear her hand covering the mouthpiece and pours herself half a glass, hands me the jug and walks outside onto the covered patio for a cigarette.

"You want some?" I nudge PIL.

"Yes please" she says meekly.

It sounds like she's sobbing so I look up.

"Are you okay PIL?"

She nods at me and holds her glass out for me to pour her a drink.

"I ran into Justin in the grocery store yesterday and all those warm, comfortable feelings came flooding back. You know, when all the good stuff that you miss slaps you in the face. Seeing him just reminds me what I'm missing."

I nod in all the right places. I sympathize because we've both been there but the best medicine is and always will be, liquor and a social scene. Nothing I could say would fix PIL's delusion that she would be happy with Justin. PIL and Justin were never going to be a couple again. I couldn't see it. He wanted out and a woman never forgets when a man leaves her. And he didn't leave because he wanted his freedom he wanted another woman. Jess marches back inside with a big smile on her face. It makes me nervous. I smile at her half-heartedly.

"I just got off the phone with Kathy, my boss, and she's taking us to a Fuck-a-wear Party in Po Co tonight."

"Port Coquitlam? You want us to go all the way out there when we can go to one of a thousand Adult Stores right here downtown and get the same stuff?" PIL moans.

"Are you kidding?" Jess turns to me, "Is she kidding?"

"I have to agree with PIL. I think it sounds like a fucking long way to go for a girly gig but it does sound like fun."

"You bet your ass it will be. Since when has it not been a party with us there?" Jess says looking at PIL grinning.

"Okay. Let's make sure we take lots of booze though, just in case" PIL wipes away black from under her eyes.

"Who's going to drive?" I ask no one in particular.

"Kathy! Right Jess?" PIL says firmly.

Jess pauses thinking about it.

"Ummmm, I think I will. I hate the thought of getting stuck out there without a way home ya know?"

PIL and I both nod. We didn't like that thought either but we were worried too because Jess always drives drunk.

"Are you going to the office today?"

"No not now. I don't have to Kathy's on her way here. She said there's nothing to do and she's in a cab as we speak. She said the bridge looks good" Jess looks at her watch, "so she should be here in no time."

Great! Jess's alcoholic boss is on the way to the Cactus Club to drink for however many hours it takes for her to pass out or until we go to the party. I lean over and grab the jug to refill my glass. I've just spent the last three hours with these people and I'm likely to spend six more. I should be pacing my drinks but I'm not.

Jess looks at the front door and I follow her eyes looking for our server. Kathy's shaking off her wet trench coat and she gives it to the Host, pushing past her. She waves to me as she gets closer. I wave back and PIL looks up disappointed, she doesn't like Kathy much either.

"What did I tell you girls, she's right on time!" Jess hugs Kathy madly.

Hugs and air kisses are exchanged with mutterings of the last encounters and love of new fashion and hair, general girly stuff with a mixture of perfumes and judgment in the air.

"Ooooh look at this Marley!" PIL points at Kathy's glittery sparkly things around her neck.

Jewelry. Some women love it. I wear it but it's never been changed in the nearly 15 years since each piece was put on. I'm a minimalist to begin with. Then there's laziness and the inability to see a need to switch up shiny things hanging from my neck and ears. PIL holds Kathy's hand in my direction showing me her diamond ring.

"You'll love this one Marley. It's gorgeous!"

"Yes. That's really pretty."

I fawn over it but I don't really care. I often lie to be supportive and inclusive and positive. It's also now a worry for me that the negativity I feel about my own life is rubbing off into every conversation I have.

"A new lover Kath?" I'm interested in the guy not the bauble.

"He's old and new!"

"I think you mean old BUT new" Jess laughs.

"How old?" I turn to Kathy.

"Oh stop it Jess! He's only 57."

"57? That is old Kath."

I rub her sleeve soothingly and Kathy laughs.

"Everything works just fine. He treats me right. Enough said!" and she smashes back her first glass of wine.

PIL perks up seeing a new audience for her personal dramas and seizes on a lull in the conversation launching into her story about Justin. A flood of emotions spills out along with the drink she loses down the front of her top and Kathy nods in all the right places. But Kathy's a hard ass and not one for the touchy feely and she fills her glass twice from her bottle of wine as PIL sobs into her tissue. Kathy has teenagers at home. When she gets a day pass I imagine the last thing she wants to be doing is feeling miserable because someone in the group is miserable.

"You're supposed to be laughing not crying," Jess throws an arm around PIL's shoulders.

"I know. Sorry I'm a buzz kill. I'll just go and wash my face."

I'm sad. Not just sad, bored and sad. The booze is messing with all of us and I'm tired. Kathy takes off her fitted jacket and her girls spill out. She's not shy about showing her assets especially as time is catching up with her and she's looking every bit her forty-eight years. I look at her makeup. It's perfect. I'm jealous of how it looks so professionally done. But as good as it is it's not enough to hide her crow's feet. Kathy's not unattractive though she just has an air of desperation about her.

I watch her as she launches into a discussion about her day and work dramas. Kathy's eyes are always alcoholic glazed and red, and her lips have the permanent wrinkles of a smoker. She talks fast and I notice Jess seems more relaxed now that her boss is here. I would too if I barely worked for my money and if my job involved lots of drinking with the boss and driving around, passing time together. It seemed like a strange boss/employee relationship but what did I know? I couldn't stay with any company longer than a year. I imagined I just never got to that stage where you became the boss's best friend.

We spend seven hours at the Cactus Club before we leave and we're pretty amorous and loud as we go. Jess insists she's fine to drive and the rest of us load up. We agree that hitting the Po Co Party is no longer important but a fast game of Paper, Rock, Scissors between PIL and Jess says it's worth a look so onward we go. Kathy directs Jess to a suburban street in Port Coquitlam and I'm nearly asleep by the time we get there. I could happily stay in the car.

The party is in a basement suite and as we walk in thirty or more overweight women and a couple of skinny chicks turn to look at us. It's awkward. One out of the four of us knows someone and the rest of us are crashers stopping the fun.

"Sorry. Excuse us. Sorry," I try to be quick and no inconvenience.

We step around people sitting on the floor and find a place to sit on the sunken living room step. Jess happily plays Host and gets us drinks. We didn't bring any so she's raiding the party's supply. It's dark with only table lamps on and the room's too quiet, there's no party atmosphere and no music playing, not even Much Music turned down low on the TV. I hope nobody accidently farts because there's nowhere to hide it.

Our Host is sitting right up front with the Consultant from Ultimate Evenings who's holding court with a flavoured lubricant. The whole scene and my alcohol intake make me want to blow a very loud raspberry into the air and tell these people how naïve they are. Instead I refrain and take mental notes about how these women interact. Kathy and Jess throw hugs and kisses at Kathy's friend who's holding the party. She's newly single and I notice that her life is filled with overweight thirty and forty year old women. Married women. Many of whom appear to have little clue or any real experience with sex toys. These women would be considered 'the norm' for middle-aged women. I knew these girls. Not these girls but I grew up with girls just like them. These were the girls that married straight out of high school. They married dorks and dicks and mostly men without balls. They pushed for marriage, had kids and then lived the rest of their days vicariously through other people's stories squashing what was left of their husbands' balls simultaneously for what he couldn't provide.

I sip the red wine Jess hands me and a shiver goes down my spine. The taste is bitter. I wonder if it's disgustingly cheap or the wine's gone off? Jess slumps down beside me and we watch the rest of the Fuck-a-Wear charade with amusement. Michelle, the Ultimate Evenings consultant throws a blue feather boa around her shoulders and shimmies her shoulders forward.

"Now ladies even my son loves to play with this one."

I nudge Jess.

"Isn't incest illegal?"

We laugh out loud uncontrollably and Jess slaps her hand over her mouth trying to stifle it. PIL sneaks over wanting to hear what's funny. She sits down next to me and knocks Jess' arm as she drops heavily. Jess's full glass of red wine spills all down my back and onto the carpet and for what feels like ten minutes no one does anything. I jump up and take my jacket off, looking for something to blot the carpet with. A fat chick tosses me a tea towel from the kitchen having watched the drama unfold. Jess, overcome with emotion and stress, bursts into tears and sits crying as a couple of chicks come over to help with the mess. I laugh at Jess and go to the bathroom to clean my jacket. This has got to be one of the funniest nights I've had in ages. I blot the wine on my jacket and most of it comes up although there's a stubborn pink streak left which will soak out with any luck but if it doesn't I wont lose sleep over it.

Kathy's down on all fours cleaning the hosts carpet and Jess is still crying when I come back out of the bathroom. PIL walks over to hug Jess and I duck outside to smoke a joint. I walk up the street away from the house so that the Host doesn't get crap for the smell from her upstairs neighbours who are also likely to be the homeowners and her landlords.

The evening air is nice and I can see the see Jess stumbling out of the suite as I butt out the joint. She lights a cigarette and spots me standing on the corner. I'm shifting from foot to foot and I hunch over more as if I'm hurt by what's happened but it's actually just cold out and my jacket is inside drying. She walks up to me.

"How's your jacket?" she's quiet.

"Ah it's fucked. Ruined really. That stain's not coming out! I have to throw it away but don't worry I didn't like it that much anyway," I say flippantly.

Jess exhales quickly talking as the last of the smoke leaves her mouth.

"Don't say that! I have a great dry cleaner, Victor. If anyone can get it out he can. I mean he's got some serious stain removal skills Marley."

She's serious. She must be quite drunk. I smile.

"Please girl! I think you were with me five years ago when I bought that jacket. You have got to be kidding me if you think I'm upset. If anything I'm just tired."

She hugs me with one arm, holding her cigarette arm away from us.

"Awe me too. Can we go home yet?".

I grab her around the neck and walk us back to the party.

"Not now that you've spilled wine everywhere. Our presence would be missed! And we'd be known as the 'wine spillers and flee-ers' wouldn't we?"

"True" she nods and wipes the back of her hand under her nose.

We head back inside where the Consultant is proudly displaying dildos and nipple clamps. Jess moves to the back away from the other guests. Kathy has cleaned the carpet with a combination of salt, soda water and carpet powder. I find a space to sit on the floor next to PIL.

"It'll still be stained in the morning," PIL mutters under her breath.

We both laugh and I look for Jess. She's loitering around the food table curiously watching another guest sample from one of the plates. Jess tries something and raises her eyebrows at the other lady who tries something else. No words are exchanged so as not to be impolite to the Sex Toy Host but gestures and facial expressions tell a different story and before long they're really going at it, so much so it's hard not to look at them. It looks like a competition. The Consultant pretends not to see and I'm sure the Host is embarrassed. I know I am. Jess seems to have completely forgotten about the wine incident as she hungrily tucks into wings, dip and chip and homemade Nanaimo bars. I watch the vultures curiously and wonder if the food was for after the Fuck-a-Wear presentation, especially seeing as though no one else is up to the table yet?

Jess accidently drops a lump of dip off her chip onto the carpet. I watch as she looks around to make sure the Host and her guests didn't notice and she wipes the carpet with her hand rubbing the rest in with her boot. She didn't even look for a cloth. Good grief!

I join PIL in the tasting and smelling of powders, feeling lubricants warm up to the touch and endless talk on the benefits of a vibrator regardless of a husband. The middle-aged gals aren't that bad. They're just living sheltered and boring lives. The Host offers her bedroom as the place for discreet purchases and the women all have bags full of things to play with when they come out. Kathy and PIL line up for their ticklers, cock rings and dildo cleaners and Jess corners me while we wait for them in the living room.

"Are you still seeing Travis?"

"Well it's more like we hang out rather than actually seeing each other..." I'm cautious.

"So the loser has no intention of being committed to you?" she has a bitchy tone.

"Well..." I'm taken aback, "we're working it out Jess. He won't be pushed and you know me, I'm a pushy bitch!"

I'm defensive as I give a little laugh, wondering where her less than supportive attitude is coming from?

"That you are" she pauses in drunken thought, "Why do you like him?"

Geez it's an inquisition!

"Umm... I don't know. There're lots of reasons. But I'm guessing you don't?"

I pause long enough to make the silence uncomfortable.

"It's not that I don't like him Marley, I'm just trying to understand why you like him? I mean you have to admit he and Evan are quite different."

Evan? What the hell?

"Not that different! Do I have to sell you on Travis Jess?" there's a hint of annoyance in my voice.

"No not at all. Don't get pissy! I was just curious as to what you saw? How you felt? Sorry. Forget I asked..."

I stand there in silence. I was having a good time until then. I'm steaming. I want to say something about James so badly but can't.

"So are you getting anything?" I ask motioning with my head towards the bedroom.

She shakes her head and moves away from me in the direction of the food table.

"I'm going to grab some mini quiches and then I think we should go."

"Sounds good to me."

I'm heavy of heart. I have too much on my plate to be fielding questions about my private life. I couldn't get home soon enough. It wasn't like Jess to be so emotional or intrusive and that's why she's a friend. Besides the less I talked about it the more I could live in denial about Travis, and me meaning something to him.

I stick my foot out of the duvet into the morning air and whip it straight back into bed again. Sweet Mother of Mercy it's too cold! Brrr...

"I don't want to mooooooooooove" I whine to myself.

Why do I do that? I know that no one can hear me and I hear my own thoughts in my head quite clearly.

I hate being cold. I'm sure I can see my breath in front of my face and I lie staring at the curtains, trying to rub my cold foot warm again with the other one. I hear Jasper climb the stairs and drop a stick by the backdoor. I'm a bad parent. I must get up for the sake of my baby. He must be interacted with.

My thoughts move to masturbating. 'Big Blue' is right here between the pillows. The batteries are new. He's always good to go. But I know it'd only be mechanical, a way to warm up. Sex just isn't on my mind at all. Too much pot smoking is probably killing my libido. I push the duvet right back and goose bumps appear instantly on my arms.

"Oh my god! Oh my god!"

It's freezing and I hold my breasts to my chest as I run to the bathroom. It's the only room in the house where I have the heat turned on. The hydro bill is big enough without heating the whole house. I pull my warm clothes on quickly. Leaving them in the bathroom makes them 'just out of the dryer' cozy and today's ensemble is fleece from head to toe. Jasper whines at the front door as he waits for me to put my bubble coat and sneakers on. Every day it's the same routine and yet he's unable to wait without making 'hurry up' noises all the while wagging his tail in my face. I open the door and he bolts across to the dike.

I choose the path to the right in the woods and Jasper seems to approve, running ahead searching for sticks and a place to crap. I create a plan of attack for the housework in my head. The dishes then garbage, recyclables to the car, shampoo the carpets, bathrooms scrubbed and very last, the laundry. Ugh. I've buried my head in the sand for so long that the chores are now almost defeating me. I pull the joint from my pocket and look around me to make sure there are no neighbours nearby and spark it up.

I cough and splutter while Jasper brings me a collection of rocks and sticks and I spit to get the taste out of my mouth. We walk out of the trail beside The Chief and I stop and stare at the magnificence of the rock before me. I imagine this big chunk of rock 650 metres tall, just tipping over and falling on top of me, squashing me flat. Every stress, every drama and every frustration in my life would be eliminated instantly. And I'd be fossilized too.

I tear down the grow op on my own and it only takes half a day. I like to work tidy and I work better without interruption. I call Evan to fulfill his obligation as a former tenant and he comes over to help me clean up his mess. He starts with the doors that have fist holes in them. Holes he created. He fills them with newspaper and cuts a piece of board to fit over the hole and he glues the board smoothly into place. They will have to be sanded and painted when dry. Some doors will have to be replaced. They're hanging off their hinges after a fit of rage. I'm embarrassed every time I look at them.

Evan's quiet and in work mode but I can't tell if he's reflecting on a time and place or if the reality of his violent and abusive nature is slapping him in the face? It had to be hard to be around me too. Memories combined with our current reality. I work on the carpet to reduce our stress. The damage is on a replaced strip of carpet that was already falling apart I don't worry about it too much. I just smooth it out, glue down a few strands and cut and vacuum up the rest.

"Okay well I've done everything I can do today. I'll call you and let you know when I'll be back to finish. "

I jump as he comes up behind me.

"Alright. Thanks Ev."

I'm getting to my feet to hug him goodbye when he walks past me. He's already at the front door rubbing Jasper's head when I'm ready and Jasper thinks he's going with him.

"No buddy stay here" he mutters to Jasper.

He waves behind his head as he shuts the door. Jasper stares at the closed door listening. Hoping he's coming back.

"Daddy's gone buddy. Daddy's gone and he's not coming back," I use a soothing tone as Jasper listens to the truck pull away and drags his feet all the way to his bed.

"Hey so do you think we should go to the Doctor tomorrow?"

There's a long silence. I'm trying to initiate a conversation on the phone that I should be having in person. Its novice behaviour and can get me serious trouble but that doesn't stop me from trying.

"You should probably come and see me Marley."

Travis hates it when I do this because I know better. He's using my name to tell me so.

"Yeah but I'm just hoping to see The Doctor sooner rather than later, ya know?"

I don't want to drive to the city, and it's not just to the North Shore but I have to go across the bridge through the city to the east side, only for him to tell me whether he can get time with The Doctor to sell my weed. Then if it's a go, I have to drive back and get the product to bring back to the next meeting.

I hear him exhale loudly. It's not a sigh but more a huff.

"Uhhh... okay...well I don't really know where you're at... but if you can, I think we should wait and see if the rash clears up?"

"Really? It's pretty itchy. I've already waited to see if it would clear up. I don't know if I can last much longer, you know?"

I'm getting worried. I need to move the weed. It's useless to me otherwise.

"If you can't handle it, let me know and we'll go. But he may not be able to fix it the way you'd like. There's a possible back-log anyway."

"How long?"

"I dunno. Look call me tomorrow if you need to and we'll go."

"Okay."

I'm dejected. I know what he's saying. A few weeks can make the difference of several thousand dollars. But I have bills to pay now. I just told him that. I don't need to talk to him tomorrow I just talked to him now.

"Right then. Cheerio."

"Bye" I say quietly.

I hate December and January. I knew it was going to be a shitty time. That was business. The market determined what your weed was worth and it was one of the hardest times to move it. At the moment people are talking CDN$1600 a pound. That's outdoor pricing. Those that can move it to the US are making an absolute fortune on that rate. I'm broke and can't do much. $7000 minimum worth of weed sitting in my house and I can't afford to eat, drink, wax or get a haircut! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

I decide to go to Orphan Dinner at The Barn. It'll eat me up if I don't because I feel like Travis is seeing someone else and any time I spend with him is wasted time. Just business. Or not even business, but simply killing time. I need to know for sure that he's seeing someone else. It's the not knowing that kills me.

"Only two more Marley!" I say to myself in the mirror, pouting as I put red lipstick on.

I park the car across the road from The Barn at 7.45pm and I can see the front door is wide open. Metal music is cranking from inside. I grab my wine, smooth my short skirt down and walk through the house to the backyard where a dozen people or more sit around a big fire burning in the backyard pit. A couple of guys are rapping while three other guys hum the beat. They're pretty good and I watch them, trying to blend into the crowd and go unnoticed.

"Oh hey Marley, you came!"

"Yeah Darren, Merry Christmas!"

I shove a bottle of red wine into his chest as he hugs me. It helps keep distance between us. Darren likes to hug too close for mates. He's a discreet groper. He tries to mask his touches as friendly and playful gestures amongst friends but there's no mistaking his intent. He's copping a feel. I look past him for Kara pulling away.

"Kara not with you?"

He laughs. Being aware of possible drama with Travis or even Kara I limit myself to only a couple of drinks.

"Yeah she's here somewhere. But don't worry Marley she's all bark. Think of her as a Chihuahua."

I laugh and he touches my back for no reason. I step back walking away.

"She's not that cute!" I cover my mouth quickly, "Oops did I say that out loud?"

"Travis is in the kitchen" Darren winks nodding in that direction and hands me back my wine.

I step into the kitchen. Sean's busy cooking and Travis is chatting up some young blonde. I barely acknowledge him all I can see is her butt-cleavage. Nice!

"Hi Sean. Merry Christmas!"

Sean has his back to me carving turkey and he jumps when I touch his shoulder.

"Oh Marley you made it! And just in time too. We'll be eating soon."

He spins around with a large knife in his hand and grabs me around the waist. I'm startled and stare at the knife in his hand so close to my body. I'm frozen. He's an idiot. He could easily slip or he could stab me just to see what it feels like. And Sean, much like Darren does a little too much touching for my liking but with knife in hand I'm enduring it tonight. I stare at his fingernails all greasy and chewed down to the quick. The sight of them makes me wince and Sean thinks he's squeezed me too tightly and releases. I shiver shaking it off on my way over to where Travis is standing.

"Hi" I smile.

"Oh hey..."

"Merry Christmas."

I smile at him and slowly look her up and down while she watches me. He looks sheepish but not for long.

"Uh yeah back at ya Marley. This is ..."

He leans in towards her looking for her to say her name.

"Andy?" she asks him.

"Right. Andy. Marley Andy. Andy Marley."

He points to each of us as and it sounds as if he's introducing stripers onto the stage.

"Hi."

"Hi."

Silence. I stare at him and he looks at her and she just looks at her feet. Okay so she's not going anywhere and neither is he and three's a crowd.

"I'm gonna go get a drink. Um... I'll see you guys later" I turn on my heel feeling my cheeks flush.

"Yeah bye," Travis says quickly.

As I walk away I see him lean into her, putting an arm on the wall above her head. He mutters something and she laughs enjoying the victory. I pour a glass of wine and head out back to the fire. I'm pleased to see no sign of Kara as I take a seat in one of the camp chairs.

"Hi there sexy lady in sexy boots I'm Brent" the guy beside me says.

"Hi" I laugh nervously checking him out.

"What'cha drinkin?"

"Wine."

"Who'd ya come with?"

"Here? No one."

"Why have we never met?" he reaches for my hand.

"Well let's see, that'd be because we've never been at the same parties!" I say deadpan.

"True! If I'd been at a party with you gorgeous..." he lingers staring me in the eye "Oh I'd remember."

I'm craving attention but this feels very sleazy.

"What's your name pretty lady?"

"Marley."

"Marley, those are wonderful boots. And you are just delicious!" he gushes over me.

I look down at my rather short denim skirt with my Ugg boots and my favourite beige v-neck sweater over my low-buttoning white shirt, which frames my browned breasts. My Santa's Helper Outfit is topped off with my Santa Hat.

"Who'd you come with Brent?"

"Nobody but I'd like to come with you later" he flirts.

"So you like girls?" I blurt out confused by his mannerisms.

"I'm not gay. No. I'm Bi actually!" he shoots straight back proudly with a smile.

"Oh, you cheeky monkey!" I laugh.

He laughs amused that I'm amused by him.

"So tell me Brent where's Oscar?" I ask looking around me.

"You didn't hear?"

"What?"

"Well Oscar was staying here up until a week ago right?"

I nod enjoying his dramatic flair.

"An' Darren asked him if he was going to look for a job, like contribute something right?"

"Uh-huh."

"So Darren and Sean went out the next day and when they got home Oscar was gone."

"What the day after Darren said something about a job?"

"Yeah. He'd grabbed all of his stuff and some of theirs and pissed off. They have no idea where he went. Just left in the middle of the day. No thanks. Nothing. More like a fuck you really."

"What? That is a fuck you! That's shitty for Sean and Darren."

"Ahhh well, they have their house back" he finishes his beer, "And fewer hassles right?"

He grabs my knee and I jump and laugh at the fact I got a fright.

"I guess. I just meant it sucked that the guy scurried away like a rat. After all they did for him you know?" I move his hand gently from my knee.

"He was like a rat," Brent says nodding "but a cute rat. I still would've screwed him!"

"Oh you dirty little whore!"

Brent laughs and squeezes my knee again. And so our dance continues. I look around me. How many guys here have touched other guys here? And how many degrees of separation are we all? I may have slept with Brent already. If Brent had sex with Andy and Andy had sex with Travis and Travis had sex with me, then I've kind of already had sex with Brent. But there was a good chance it was simpler than that. Travis has probably had sex with Brent. Eeeeuw!

"Is Katrina here?"

"No I haven't seen her. She might be with her mother?"

I sit back in my chair and cross my legs. Brent doesn't move his hand from my knee until my leg is on top of it.

"Oh that's good."

"Why's that?"

"Oh just... you know... it can't be good for a little girl to be hanging around with adults like these."

I nod my head in the direction of the riff raff.

"Oh god she's used to that by now" he fans his hand at me. "She's been hanging around most of these basket cases since she was tiny. And how long's it been since you've seen her? She's definitely not a little girl anymore!"

I raise my eyebrows and smile a fake smile but all I can think is what a horrible upbringing.

"DINNER!" Sean yells from the back door.

"We better go. These vultures don't know the meaning of 'small' when it comes to portion size."

"You're right" I get up with Brent.

I don't want to eat anything I saw prepared earlier because the kitchen is filthy and Sean, not known for his hygiene had his fingers in everything. I shiver imaging the germs they'd find under a microscope and carefully pick foods that look overcooked, steering clear of the bread because I watched Sean lick his fingers as he put pieces into the basket. Brent's not selective grabbing something from every bowl and plate.

At the table we sit together and I purposely take long sips of my wine so my not eating hopefully goes unnoticed. Brent tucks into his meal beside me as if he hasn't eaten in weeks, dropping food onto his lap and the table in his rush.

"You saving those snacks for later?" I point to his lap.

He looks down laughing picking at the pieces of food and shoving them into his mouth.

"Nope! I'm saving you for dessert gorgeous!" he winks at me.

We laugh together like a couple of girls sharing a secret.

"So Marley what's new?"

I look across the table and stop pushing a piece of dry meat around the plate with my fork.

"Not much Travis. What about you?"

He opens his arms gesturing to the masses as if he's the Godfather surrounded by all of his extended family

"Sharing the love, you know?"

I nod looking down the end of the table to Sean and I wave to him.

"And I gave out some Christmas cheer so it's really been a good year this one eh!" he holds up his glass in cheers.

I do the same and we drink.

"That's right" I nod, "The soup kitchen. How'd that go?"

I'm confused. It seems like he's making a big effort to talk to me and yet Bimbette is sitting beside him. I like the attention but know it'll be short lived because once we leave the table he'll be back to her looking for sex and I'll become a bitter Betty. I'm on my third glass of wine and flirting openly, I know I look needy but I can't stop myself. It's the competitor in me.

"It was good. Just like every year though, way too many people living hard and way too many mouths to feed. Charity begins with you, you know?"

"Yes Travis. I know. I do my bit. I think charity begins with being considerate of others."

Bimbette nods in agreement.

"Well that certainly helps humanity Marley but it won't keep them alive will it!"

"Philanthropy is not determined by how one helps Travis. Only that one does."

He laughs and we agree to disagree. Everyone is watching us.

"Dessert anyone?"

Brent nudges my leg under the table and we snicker.

"Yes please" he whispers to me.

Sean beams as he places down a big apple pie. I'm stunned. It's homemade and it looks so good I'll have to have some.

"Did you make this?" Travis points at the pie.

Sean nods.

"Yeah. Not bad huh?"

"Well it looks okay but let's see how it tastes before I make comment."

Travis holds out his bowl and Sean smacks the first piece of pie down into it. Darren also has his bowl out and feels slighted at Travis getting the first piece. Travis grins at him.

"Hurry up Sean!" Darren shoves the bowl at Sean.

"Just wait" Sean slowly cleans each side of the knife.

Darren pushes his chair back and knocks Sean square in the side of the head with his forearm, grabbing the knife at the same time.

"I said hurry the fuck UP!"

Sean's fists are up and he's punching wildly at Darren's head. Darren drops the knife and slams Sean against the wall. Sean's apron rips and everyone at the table scatters as they slam onto it. Some guy grabs the knife and jumps out of the way and I grab my bottle of wine and move back against the wall. Travis carries his bowl in one hand and has his other hand on Bimbette's shoulder as he leads her out of the room.

"I got my piece!" he gleefully holds his bowl in the air.

"What the hell happened?"

He leans in.

"It's been brewing. Darren's pissed because of Sean's new trinket. Darren screwed her a few months back and she wasn't interested in him. Darren's ego can't handle the rejection and Sean's just pissed him off."

"So it's to the death then" I look at Darren holding Sean on the floor by lying on top of him.

"Could be!" he laughs holding up his bowl again, "No more food offerings at The Barn if that's the case."

I nod and they walk away. I watch the guy with the knife take it to the kitchen. I feel bloated and gassy and let a stream of quiet farts slip out while there's a commotion going on. The stink hits me hard and I move swiftly to the backyard fire hoping it doesn't follow me out. There was a rumour of more backyard rapping happening after dinner although now that there's fighting the rest of the night can only get worse. I'm tired and I've had enough wine. I should stop drinking. I should have stopped drinking a glass ago but I fill my glass anyway. I slump down into a camp chair away from Travis and Brent drops down beside me heavily.

"That pie was good" he rubs his belly.

"Nice!" I look past him, "Is it all over?"

"Yeah. For now!" he laughs and lights a cigarette, "Those guys are fuckin' funny!"

The fire is blazing and I have visions of the outdoor sofa being sacrificed. I fan smoke away from my face and cover my eyes as the wind whips around in all directions. My eyes are watering and I push my chair back. Sean comes through the back door chugging a beer. A couple of rough-looking guys follow him with two Pit Bulls on heavy chains leading them. Both dogs have had their ears clipped and are panting heavily, eyes darting all around. I take their arrival as a sign its time to leave. The thought of a dogfight makes my stomach turn.

I watch Travis saunter back inside leading Bimbette by the hand. Sean slumps down on the blue Voyager car seat sitting on the ground near me and I hunch my shoulders up closer to my neck as I try to hide. Across the fire Kara smokes a cigarette and necks a bottle of beer. I'd ignored her. I have nothing to say to her and she better have nothing to say to me. Darren walks to the fire holding a beer bottle to his eye and she grins as he makes a beeline for her. She hugs him rubbing his back and she looks happy to be needed. I get up quickly and walk towards the house.

"You're coming back right Marley?" Sean yells after me.

I breathe out heavily and turn back feeling stalked.

"Yeah. Just gotta tinkle."

I walk straight down the hall to the front door and wave to Travis who's standing in the living room. He holds his beer up and nods back as Bimbette pulls him into her at the waist, she smiles at me as if she's won. She has. I wonder if she knows how many people have been on that ride? I pull the door open. I need to get home before I say something I shouldn't. There's a bottle of red waiting for my glass and a big warm dog ready to get his cuddle on. I look back into the house as I'm shutting the front door. I shouldn't be here. I won't be missed and I won't miss anything.

"Bye Marley. Call me!" Brent waves calling out loud enough to be announcing my departure.

I stop shutting the door, do a half turn and wave back smiling.

"Bye Brent. Happy hunting!" my voice is louder than I'd hoped.

It's moving day and the snow is falling. We haven't seen snow in Squamish for the whole of December and now on the twenty-eighth, the heavens open and dump big juicy flakes all over the lawn. And while I'm not happy about it Jasper leaps around in delight searching for sticks and other toys on the ground before they're buried.

I stand under the awning finishing a joint and sigh at the task ahead. Looking around me I wonder if I'll miss this place? The access to the dike and our big fenced backyard, yes, the house, no. It was a home once but it's since been tainted. Dope growing and the end of a long-term relationship is all I see when I look at it now and I flick my butt into the garden beside the stairs.

"Com'on Jasper into the backyard."

I carry the first load of boxes down the front stairs to the car and my shoes pack down the fresh snow. Before I know it I'm slipping and sliding and my left foot flies out from under me while the other stays still and I'm falling doing the splits. I jerk upright and my back twinges as I recover.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! That hurts" I yell as I drop the box.

I'm alert and pissy and my face is contorted in pain. My inner thighs are screaming at me and I let out a small scream. I hunch over in pain hoping that none of the neighbours are watching. The last thing I need is some neighbourly concern from people I've never met. I just want this fucking move to be over. My arms are heavy and I'm achy and whiney. I kick the car to vent my frustration and my foot hits harder than I meant it to, a sharp pain screams out from the ball.

"Shit! Ouch! Fuck!"

I jump around on one foot holding the other and before I can blink I lose my balance, my leg shoots out from underneath me and I smack down hard on my ass on the driveway. Seconds later I open my eyes and I'm looking at the sky. There's silence. It's just like the moment of inhale before a baby starts screaming. You anticipate the pain and only get a few seconds to decide how you'll react. Take a deep breath Marley. You'll be alright. You're a big girl. Now get up! I bite back the tears of defeat. The pain in my ass, thighs and foot are nothing compared to the feeling of defeat but I wont let myself be overwhelmed. It can't happen because the only way anything gets done is if I do it.

The snow from the front door to the car packs down in only a couple of passes and it's soon a skating rink. I balance my way to the car using every skill I ever learned jumping on wet rocks. Juggling all my worldly possessions I laugh about it as I go. It's definitely not as much fun as I'm trying to make myself believe but the alternative is to be sour and miserable. I grind the heel of my boot into the hard packed snow on my empty-handed pass back to the house. This way I'll have some grip when coming back fully loaded and unable to see past the boxes.

Evan's offered his truck to move the bigger items but he's only available for a couple of hours in the afternoon so I try to get everything smaller out early. I drive into the driveway at the new house and unload again. It's tedious work but at least I don't have to drive my junk far. It might have been easier if I'd hired a truck but I'd need a helper for that and I didn't have one.

The plants have to go last because I'm moving in early and other people still have keys to the new house. The clones are ready for transplant to the three-inch pots but I want to carry them into the new house on the trays so I try to keep them going in the pellets with a little juice. The hydroponics chemicals can be harsh on the immature plants so I have to keep the solution very mild but enough to give them some nutrients. It's a balancing act. If I lose this lot of kids I'm screwed. It'll put the whole set up behind and I need these last cycles done so I can be out of the game. I need to get out of Squamish.

Turning the key in the lock with my semi-free hand I kick the door open and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. It's not pretty. I'm showering sporadically. I've been forgetting to brush my teeth. I even wear the same black stretch corduroy pants, fleece and jacket most days now that it's cold too. It's easier and I'm just more comfortable. My hair hasn't seen the hairdryer in weeks I just sweep it up in a clip. It's neat but not always clean. And without make-up the bags under my eyes make me look downright sinister. I put the boxes down and can smell my armpits. I stink! Running back and forth I've worked up a healthy sweat and I need a quick shower. It's getting late and Evan will be by anytime with his truck to help. I push the boxes into the living room and lock up, hurrying to get back to the old house. In my rush I accidently peel out of the driveway spraying stones. Whoops! I don't need to be upsetting my new neighbours.

Rounding the corner I can see the old driveway and I can feel that nice warm shower on my skin already.

"Awe shit!"

I see Evan's truck come into the street at the other end and he pulls his old Toyota into the driveway behind me. Dang! There'll be no shower. He's organized so I knew he'd be on time but it didn't stop me wishing this once he'd have taken his time. And while he'd seen me at my worst and I didn't want to get back together with him, I wanted to be missable. I needed to be missable. I always wanted him to think that I was the best thing he'd let get away and even more so right now because I'd heard rumours he was seeing some fat chick.

"Hey! How's it going? All moved in yet?"

I laugh happy he seems relaxed.

"Yeah sure. I should've called you. Sorry I'm not gonna need your help. I put my undies on the outside today and used superhuman strength to get it all done. I only hope my use of the cape while off duty didn't blow my cover. "

"Well I'll go then."

Evan turns on his heel pretending to leave as I open the side gate and Jasper bolts towards him. Jasper jumps around his legs and Evan keeps pushing him away playfully. It's obvious he misses our dog.

"You got a plan Ev?"

"No. I thought you'd have one Marley? It's your move."

He rubs the dog's ears and muzzle. Jasper loves the attention.

"Good boy buddy. Good boy."

"Well that's true but we all know how you are when someone else tries to be in charge... hmmm?"

"What?" he feigns innocence but smiles knowing I'm right.

"Mmmm... I think we both know what I'm talking about. So I've set up everything that needs moving in the living room and the other stuff is still in the garage. The heavy stuff."

"The heavy stuff, right" he gets quieter, "Okay so the first load is home furnishings, the second load will be the grow stuff like the filter, lights and ballasts etc and the last thing we'll move is all the wood, insulation batts, gyprock and whatever else. That way we can walk it in and start building."

"Okay. So you really haven't had a chance to think about it then?" I smile.

"No" he shakes his head and wrestles Jasper for a stick.

Our history together means we know how the other works. We talk as little as possible and I let him lead. I'm happy to let him think he knows what he's doing because I know he'll fail in places. He always does and he becomes more humble afterwards. Without thinking as we finish unloading the last trip, I touch Evan's back in a friendly embrace and he shrinks away from me. Awkward silence follows and I stand there not sure what to do. Move on or should I address the awkwardness? Evan decides for us as he turns and begins knocking up the dummy wall.

"Can I help?"

He doesn't look up from banging nails in the frame he's making.

"Nah not yet. I'll get you to help me stand it up when I'm done."

I potter around pretending to put things away. It's hard. I always want to help. Especially when someone is doing me a favour so I pour us both a glass of mineral water.

"Here. Thought you might like a drink."

I hold it out and he looks at me briefly.

"I'll just bang this in. We can stand it up and I'll have a drink before I screw it to the ceiling."

I look at the frame. It's a ready-made wall. I help Evan stand it up and hand him his drink which he finishes in one big gulp. He hands the glass back to me, screws the frame into place, attaches the gyprock and he's done. Gathering up his tools he washes his hands in the sink.

"I'll come back and cut that hole behind the dryer to vent the outtake fan into the backyard."

"That'd be great. Listen, there's no rush though Ev. I'll only be transplanting them into the three-inch pots tomorrow."

He dries his hands on my towel and digs them deep down into his front pockets. He does that when he's got nothing to say. It tells me he's finished. I walk with him to the door and he hurries off into the cold and darkness towards his truck calling out as he goes.

"I'll call you in a week or so then."

"Yep."

I wave and shut the door quickly. There's no need to drag it out. We are nothing any more. Not being lovers means we can't really function as friends so we're now people who used to know each other. I've been here before. I know how uncomfortable it'll be if we see each other accidently on the street. If forced we'll say hello but both of us will prefer not to. Our hearts will race uncontrollably at the flood of memories of good times together. Deep feelings of love will give way to reality, reminding us that someone wanted to leave the relationship rejecting the other person at the same time and crushing their spirit.

I'm sitting on the couch in the afternoon sun blissfully in a happy stone. The room is warm and I'm painting my toenails Pink Blush when my phone rings. I jam the brush back into the bottle and answer too quickly.

"Hello?"

"Hey Marley what're you doing?"

My heart does a little flutter.

"Not much. Walking the dog, painting my toenails, you know, all that high society stuff."

"Hey why don't you come down to The Barn?"

Travis isn't asking me, more like encouraging me to think it's a good idea.

"Why? What's happened? Is everything okay?"

"Oh yeah it's fine. I just owe you beers and you know there's no one here except me and my buddy Jacob, and... so we have the place to ourselves!"

"You and some other guy is not the place to ourselves!'"

"I know. I mean it's the three of us. Jacob's out from Ontario so we're just having a few bevies and I thought you might be down for a laugh?"

He's trying to solidify the deal. It's a late call and he knows I'm not that easy to convince any more. He also knows I'm not doing anything else.

"I'll be a couple of hours?"

I'm not sure I can be bothered.

"Cool. See you then."

"Okay... "

Of course I said yes. He called and wanted to see me.

By the time I get to The Barn it's after 6pm. I walk up to the front door and it opens giving me a fright.

"Hi Marley right?"

"Yeah" I hesitate staring at the guy in front of me.

It hadn't occurred to me that Jacob could be black. His long dreadlocks hang loosely around his shoulders and he's cleaner and neater than most of Travis friends. He holds the door open wide.

"Hey listen Travis is in the shower. Come on in."

He signals me to enter. The other guys would have walked back in the house but this guy just stands there, holding the door open with his arm up high, making his body an arch I have to walk under. I don't want to walk under his arm.

"Uh okay."

But that stupid polite part of me obliges him and just does it. Instead of saying 'you go ahead' and standing my ground. I just do it. Anything else would have been too confrontational. But why should I even have to deal with this little stunt anyway? He wouldn't pull that shit on a guy!

The idea that no-one I know is home and Travis was or maybe wasn't, in the shower, didn't encourage me inside with this stranger. No matter how nice he appeared.

"Hey. I'm Jacob. I'm in from Ontario. I think Travis mentioned me?"

His thrusts his hand forward and I shake it politely.

"Right" I nod, looking around me and listening for the shower.

He shuts the door and walks past me to the back of the house.

"You want a beer?"

"Ummm... Sure."

I shut the door and follow him straining my ear still listening for the shower.

"We have to go get more but we still have a few left."

I'm still desperately trying to hear water running as Jacob reaches out to hand me a bottle of Kootenay. Where the hell is Travis?

"Oh well, I don't want to take your last one..." I push the bottle back to him.

"Nah it's not the last one" he pushes it into my hand.

He cracks the top his bottle.

"Cheers!"

"Oh okay" I smile my fake smile and crack the top off my beer.

I'm uncomfortable and wish I'd never come but I don't want to be rude. The guy has just given me one of the few beers in the house. I can't waste it.

"Cheers!" I hold it up in salute.

Jacob drops onto the couch and stretches out, patting the seat beside him.

"Sit down. Please. So tell me, how long have you known Travis?"

"A few years now" I nod.

Standing in the cold living room with my handbag in my hand I look at the couch. I don't want to sit down because I don't want to stay. I chug back some of the cold beer and shiver as Jacob picks up a guitar and starts to play, humming some tune I don't recognize. I can't tell if his little set is for my benefit or his. He's quite confident and totally into himself and I sit down on a chair furthest away from him without being totally rude and cross my legs. It feels strange for a stranger to be playing host in a house I'm so familiar with. I wish I hadn't come. I want to kick myself, because I knew it'd be like this. Uncomfortable.

Travis wanders into the living room wearing nothing but a towel.

"Marley! You made it!"

He gives me a wet 'stay in your seat' hug.

"I see you met Jacob."

I look at Jacob and want to say no. Imagining I've been here the whole time waiting for Travis to appear and not having said a word to his buddy.

"Yeah. It's weird being here without Beavis and Butthead though. Where are they?"

Travis laughs.

"On the island."

He walks away to the bedroom and for another twenty minutes I have to listen to more of Jacob's guitar skills and small talk.

"Marley you wanna go get some beer from the liquor store?" Travis asks standing in front of me with no shirt on.

I look up at his eyes.

"Not really."

"Well I'm buying. I just thought you and I would go get it," his eyes wide telling me we should go and get the beer.

"Okay" I stand up.

Jacob stops playing.

"I wanna come too."

Travis rolls his eyes at me annoyed that the guy wont let us be alone.

"Nah. That's okay. Marley and I can go. We wont be long."

Jacob puts the guitar down and stands up.

"I can get for you too Jake" Travis sounds firm as he puts his shirt on.

"Hey that's cool. I wanna see what they've got out here."

Travis shrugs and mouths 'sorry' and I shake my head. The guy's absolutely clueless. We pull up at the store and Jacob runs ahead to open the doors for me. It's flattering but also annoying. I have to thank him each time for something I don't want, something that draws attention to me and makes me uncomfortable. I can't tell if he's being polite or it's a come on but if it's a come on why doesn't he think I'm seeing Travis?

Back at The Barn I sit down at the kitchen table making sure that Jacob can't sit too close. Travis plays DJ and he wanders in and out of the kitchen fixing his hair and talking on the phone. There's a constant hum in my ear as Jacob talks and talks trying to engage me. I act tired and indulge him the random nod or smile trying not to be rude and after a while he pulls the guitar out again and plays loudly, singing over the music emanating from the bedroom. A Counting Crows song I think? I drink my beer smiling at the craziness of the moment.

Travis walks back into the kitchen, pulls out the chair next to me and puts his beer down on the table. He stares at Jacob with a blank face. Jacob has his eyes closed singing and doesn't see as Travis and I look at each other puzzled. I'm buzzed from the beer and pissed that we can't have a minute alone together. Travis seems antsy too and motions with his hands suggesting we go in the bedroom and I nod in agreement getting up quickly. I have a vision of Jacob following us into the smaller space and continuing to sing and play and I giggle. Socially it's strange behaviour. Unless you believe you're a phenomenal singer?

In the bedroom Travis changes the song on the computer and he turns to face me but he's listening towards the door.

"I hope I haven't upset him with the change of song?" Travis whispers.

"Hear this, I don't fucking care!" I whisper back.

"Now Marley, that's not nice."

I smile. I don't have to be nice. But I know it's easier. My jaw is clenched and I sit down on the mattress drinking my beer, my body tense fearing the possible diseases lying beneath me. Travis sits back in the chair by the computer and smiles a half smile at me.

"You and I, we have this thing where we rub each other the wrong way and argue. But it's okay."

"Why is it okay?" my annoyance at his comment obvious.

"It's just our way" he shrugs.

"It's not okay. To be honest, I'm annoyed."

"Well I figured that much!" Travis laughs, pissing me off even more.

"The last time I saw you, you spent half the time gazing in the direction of two fourteen year old girls... and with Katrina accusations... well all of it just grosses me out. It's too much of the same."

"You think I did that shit?" he asks me angrily and I know I've hit the chord I wanted to.

I shrug ever so slightly because I've said it now. I have to follow through.

"So now I'm a pedophile?"

"No. No!" I protest quickly feeling badly "Of course not, but I can't help but wonder why Katrina would say that?"

I shouldn't have said it. It's accusatory.

"It's bullshit. I can't believe that you even think it's possible," he's shaking his head and I can see his face is tight.

If I'm not with him then I'm deemed against him.

"And I looked at those girls once and even commented to you about how they were trying to act grown up by eating in the restaurant. I think you like to twist things around Marley!" he's angry but in control.

"Maybe?" I shrug giving him a win.

I don't think I've twisted anything but I didn't want the rest of our night to be more of the same. I get up to go to the bathroom and so does Travis.

"You go" his says with his arm extended.

I want to hug him but the air between us is thin. I walk to the bathroom. I want to tell him I'm sorry and that it wasn't supposed to come out like that and that his friend is annoying the hell out of me and that he should pay me more attention. But sitting on the toilet I look around me and there's no paper anywhere. Motherfucker!

He's sitting with Jacob in the kitchen when I come out of the bathroom and I notice we're not talking anymore. Jacob is plucking at the chords humming and smoking a joint. He passes it to Travis who takes two drags and holds it out to me not looking at me. He drinks the last of his beer loudly and jumps up putting his jacket on signaling our departure. I raise an eyebrow and finish my drink and gathering my things.

"Where are we going?"

Travis looks at me and he's annoyed.

"The Cambie. I've got a meeting. I'm sure I told you" his tone is sharp.

"Riiiiiiight" I nod slowly as if I'm just getting it.

Inside the bar we meet up with Pat another 'friend' of Travis. He's the flashy type who looks a little too much like a drug dealer to be interesting to me. Not exactly a thug but tall with a shaved head and arrogant, exuding a 'don't mess with me' attitude. Almost immediately he and Travis excuse themselves and I'm left sitting with Jacob. Fuck me! He should have just said he needed a driver and someone to keep his friend busy.

"You want a beer?"

"Sure" I say without thinking about the consequences of a bought drink.

"What kind?"

"Oh a Corona would be good."

We make small talk, observations mostly. I enjoy the silences and excuse myself taking a long trip to the bathroom. I drink my beer and watch the room waiting for Travis to return and all the while Jacob is leering at me. I should leave. I don't want to be here I want to go home but loneliness and self-loathing talk me into staying. Travis wanders back slowly and smiles at me. I'm pissed. What's he smiling about?

"Meeting all done?"

He nods. There's no sign of Pat.

"Are you going to talk to me at all tonight?"

"Why? What do you mean?" he looks confused.

I lean in so he can hear me.

"You're kidding right?"

"Listen Marley if you're not having a good tim..."

"Good time! Good time? Seriously?"

I pull back pretending to laugh and he shakes his head and looks at Jacob. That makes me mad. So they agree I'm the problem.

"Sure. I'm a fruitcake! You're right. I should be grateful for such an invite."

I stare at him blankly no hint of emotion on my face.

"What the hell?" Travis is angry.

It takes a lot to get him angry and I know I'm drunk but I'm not wrong.

"God you're such a fire cracker!" he says it loudly.

Jacob nods in agreement. He's right. I'm totally antagonistic and I'm taking shots in every direction. I'm on fire. I grab my bag and head towards the door. Travis cuts me off from the other direction.

"Hey Marley, where're ya going?" he shouts over the crowd grabbing my arm lightly.

"Fuck this. You're being an asshole not a friend."

He drops my arm, shrugs and looks at me. I'm drunk and angry and I turn away. Hurling my bag up on my shoulder I push The Cambie doors open and stride into the heavy rain. He's right behind me, the doorman standing beside him to make sure I don't try to come back in because I pushed the doors a little too hard to make my grand exit.

"What did I do?"

I turn back.

"It's what you didn't do Travis. You're buddy is all over me and you haven't said a thing."

He pulls his head back away from me as if I'm being ridiculous.

"You're a big girl Marley."

I look at him like he's stupid.

"I didn't come out at your invite to have to fight off some guy using the 'buddy situation' to molest me."

"Com'on. You have to admit you were being pretty friendly."

"What? So you think women should have to fight off a pawsy guy if they've been nice to them?"

I stare through drunken eyes at him and then the bouncer raising my voice.

"I've had a few drinks remember and you know how I get Travis. I trust you. I don't deserve to be offered up to your friend!"

"Offering you up. Who was offering what?" he mumbles.

A car drives by in the rain.

"What?" I yell at him.

"So Jacob touching you is my fault?"

"No. But you could have given him the 'chill out' speech that any guy watching a woman being harassed might?"

What I really want to say is 'you should have tucked me under your arm and protected me by saying that I wasn't available.'

"As I said, you're a big girl."

He turns and goes back inside. I'm so fucking angry.

"Fuckhead!"

It feels good to say it out loud. I breathe in the cool fresh air running across the street to my car. It's calming and I take a moment to catch my breath as I unlock the door. Shaking my soaking wet head to flick the drips from the ends of my hair before I climb in the Subaru makes my hair annoyingly stick to my face. I push at the hair frantically so that it stops itching my nose. From a distance I must look like I'm being attacked by a swarm of bees.

I barely let the car warm up before I pull out into the traffic already rehashing the night's events in my head. 'He invited me down to drink ... I said this... he said that... he turned, there was an eye roll... his buddy was inappropriate.' A warm salty tear runs down my cold face and water is squishing around in my shoes. This was not the way I thought the night would go but it might have fixed my problem of seeing Travis socially. At this point we may never speak again.

I run a bath when I get home and pour myself a glass of wine. My nipples are hard in the night air as my chest's buoyancy keeps them on the surface. I slip down under the water more running the hot tap and pulling my legs up into a fetal position to try and warm up. I'm tired and drunk, fazing in and out. My eyes are puffy from crying but I don't mind that feeling. It fits with my misery.

An ex-boyfriend carried a laminated picture of my eye in his wallet. He said that if he wanted to see into my soul at any time, he could. Would anyone else want to be that close to me? Have I already been my most appreciated? I get out of the bath, throw on my robe and call PIL. I'm drunk and I desperately need to make sense of this night.

"Mmmmelow?" I hear PIL mumble.

"Hi are you awake? Sorry. I know it's late."

"What time is it?"

"I dunno. But I've just spent the past four hours with Travis and his friend Jacob at The Barn. The fucker. Anyway we..."

"Slow down honey, I'm just waking up" she says softly, "its the middle of the night."

She's right. It's late. I imagine her sitting up and rubbing her eyes. It isn't nice of me to have woken her but now that she's up we can talk. I take a breath and try to speak slower but at the same time I want to get all my information out.

"Okay so we drank some beers and talked about nothing and everything. Travis was in and out of the room, on the phone making deals and whatever else he's into, you know, doing his hair, preening all that stuff."

"Uh huh."

I wonder if PIL's put her glasses on? I like the new maroon frames she got recently. If I hadn't seen her in them then I'd always imagine her in the old black frames. People were like that. You remembered them the way that they were the last time you saw them.

"Well Travis and I had no time alone together but he didn't seem to notice. When we went to get more beer at the liquor store Travis tried to go alone with me but Jacob didn't see the subtlety and came with us. Anyway, the evening only got harder as Jacob kept hitting on me. He was running ahead to get doors and trying guide me around the store with his hand in the small of my back, it was ridiculous."

"Mmm... this Jacob sounds like a bit of a keener."

"Uh-huh. You could say that. So we leave The Barn and I drive us to The Cambie, I dunno somewhere around 9pm. As we walk in the door I tell Travis his friend Jacob is hitting on me pretty hard and it's impolite as my friend, for him to let it go on. He tells me that the guy has some social problems and finishes with 'you're a big girl, Marley.' Fucking rights I'm a big girl and I would have been down right rude to this guy but he's a friend of Travis and that makes it hard. Right?"

I pause long enough to gulp down more wine. I shouldn't be having anything more to drink but I don't care.

"Yeah. That's a shitty deal. You shouldn't have to fend off unwanted advances all night. And from a friend of Travis's too! What a bad scene!"

"Oh believe me, it was. Travis just seemed oblivious to me being uncomfortable. And when we got to The Cambie dickhead put his hand on my knee and everyone looked. I tried to rub his hand like 'sure we're friends' and then pulled it away quickly like, that's all we are. From then on, I practically introduced him to every girl in the bar just to catch a break."

"You have to stop being so nice girl."

"I know but don't you think if Travis saw me as fabulous he'd have enough respect for me to tell his friend that his behaviour wasn't cool with him?"

"Of course."

"But instead I felt pimped out to his buddy while he wandered the bar and hung out with Pat."

"Who's Pat?"

"Oh Pat's his friend from back east, Windsor Ontario. He landed in BC off the boot of a lover who used his ass as a rebound fuck fest. According to him they were in love after four months even though she'd just left someone else," I laugh.

"In love?" she laughs.

"Yup. Mind you they were driving around in his BMW and she had his credit card by then."

"Uh-huh. In love."

I can tell PIL's more awake now.

"Sounds more like he bought love to me" I continue slower, "but then that was until he found out, by secretly accessing her emails no less, that she was also recovering from the break-up of her last relationship with the help of a series of men. So Pat freaked out, packed up and left in two days and now Travis is absorbed in the world of Pat."

"Ooh rich, newly single and in need of a tour guide?"

"That's about right."

"Maybe I want to live in the world of Pat?"

I laugh.

"Maybe? Pat's nice enough I guess... He definitely needs a BC makeover though."

"Ugh. He's Ontarian," she laments.

"Yep. And a hockey dude too boot!" I laugh again as if he's a lost cause.

"He's shaved bald and wears the nicest 'boot cut' jeans you'll ever see. But I can't remember if I've seen him in cowboy boots or not? Yee hah!"

"Oh God!" she makes gagging noises, "is he short too?"

"No. No. He's pretty tall. Reminds me of a cop."

"But he has the money you say, so a makeover wouldn't be that much trouble?"

"Oh yeah, Pat represents money. I'll introduce you at my next pimping!"

"Oh God Marley, you gotta ditch that guy!"

"I know. Thanks for the ear. I should let you get back to sleep. Just venting."

"Mmmm that sounds good..." I hear her lying down again, "I'll call you in the morning. We should have breakfast at Teresa's on Denman. I love their $4.50 eggs and bacon."

"Me too. Sounds like a date baby."

"Call ya round 9am."

"Okay. Bye. And PIL, thanks for listening."

PIL finally said what I already knew. I was hoping she wouldn't but she wouldn't be a good friend if she didn't. She'd let things play out and by now had likely had enough of me complaining about a guy that wouldn't ever be good for me.

JANUARY

"Hey! Oh my god! I can't believe it!"

"Hang on Marley. Hang on I have to switch ears. Okay go" PIL pants.

She must be working out. I should let her get back to it.

"I can hear you're busy so just quickly, I've been going to the gym around the same time every day for a couple of months with no drama right? Same old ladies on the treadmills, the dirty old cabbies, the ladies in the yoga class, you know? Anyway so I walk in this morning and on the bike in front of me is Myles Hardy."

"No! Seriously? Your Myles? In little old Squamish?"

"I know. Same town same gym! Weird right?"

"Uh huh."

"As soon as I see him I stop dead in my tracks and feel the color rise into my cheeks all the way from my feet. I get butterflies. I mean he looks good PIL, even from behind I could tell. Anyway I turned away before he could see me and raised my shoulders up to help hide my face. I didn't know what to do? I wasn't looking my best but I couldn't just leave right? I had to sign in, I had to walk past him and I had to say "Hi".

"Crazy! But there was something about the last time you saw him? What was it?"

I hear her clicking her fingers and I sigh.

"It was when Evan and I were suffering that rough patch of on-again/off-again..."

PIL cuts me off trying to be helpful.

"He was a friend of Bailey's from Whistler wasn't he?"

"Uh-huh they worked together."

"That's it. He was a hotel guy."

"Mmmm... remember he asked me out to dinner one night when he was staying at the Hotel Vancouver? He picked me up on time and he bought a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Something Evan never did."

PIL laughs.

"And he drove us to Granville Island in his little white Honda Civic. We had dinner at Bridges on the upstairs patio and he was funny, charming and the perfect gentleman. He paid for everything. I looked fantastic. It was a good night."

"Sounds great."

"It was. We were both pretty happy by the time we got to his hotel room and began making out. Me more than him because he had to drive right?"

"Right."

"So anyway we were playing around. Kissing, making jokes and sex noises and I got louder. The first phone call from management advised us of the paper-thin walls and the complaint. We were to consider ourselves warned. I was too drunk to care. And as always, defiant."

"That's not like you."

"Never. But I guess I became more obnoxious?"

"Not possible."

"I can hear you murmuring PIL."

"Sorry, let's refocus. There were thin walls and humping noises" she sounds like a therapist.

"Correct. And I guess I made a couple of loud comments like, 'honey bring your python back to bed' and 'get your hand off the back of my head and lets do what you're paying me for!' and before we knew it the second call from management was telling us to pack our things and get out. We didn't see each other again after that night but that was more me than him. I'd heard through channels that despite our adventure that night he was still keen to date. I wasn't sure. I took it as an omen and in reality Evan still had my heart."

"And you were embarrassed!"

"Yeah. That too."

I laugh because she knows me so well.

"So what happened today?"

"Well here we are at the gym many years later and I have to face him. I take a deep breath. Pull my shoulders back I tell myself to smile as I walk into the equipment room. Myles is talking to someone and he's facing the same direction I'm headed, so with his back to me we have no eye contact."

"Bummer! That would have been a great moment to see his face."

"I know it would have. So I put my earphones in and start running on the treadmill looking at my reflection in the window. The morning sun hits the glass and I look good from the waist down. Up top my tits are bouncing out of control and my t-shirt is a crappy old one, with a big stain on the front and a hole under the arm."

"The old Simple Minds one?"

I have to stop and think.

"No not that one, an old work one. Why?"

"Oh you have a hole under the arm in that one."

I think it's funny that she never told me about the hole in my shirt when she noticed it.

"Oh yeah you're right I do. So by the time I finish my run Myles isn't in the room and I'm a little deflated. I finish my workout off with dreaded ab exercises in the aerobics room and I'm disappointed when he's not in there either. I figure he probably left and I lie back on the yoga ball and stretch out upside down looking towards to door. As I do Myles walks by with his bag over his shoulder and glances in. I flip up a little instinctively, like I'm doing abdominal exercises but mostly because I'm embarrassed that my face is red from being upside down and I look and feel gross. If he saw me like that PIL, I'll never get laid."

"So you didn't say anything to each other?"

"No."

"Nothing? Did he even see you do you think?"

I shrug to no one. We're on the phone.

"Don't know."

"You might see him again. You got butterflies! You could get laid!"

PIL is excited.

"It's not like anything will happen. At least I don't think so. It was a weird departure last time I saw him remember? He does look good though. I like the facial hair he's working on. It looks like it could tickle!"

PIL giggles.

"Well if your motivation to workout was waning I think you'll be back there tomorrow looking a million bucks."

"Yes. I'm heading out this afternoon to get new workout gear."

"Do you think he's seeing anyone?"

"He was at the gym with a woman."

"Really?" she sounds deflated.

"Yeah. But it didn't look like they were doing it. You know, the body language wasn't there. Unless it's ridiculously new?"

"Well I guess you will soon find out."

"I hope so."

PIL's right. I'm excited about going to the gym. I like to workout, but I also like the idea of attention and the possibilities. I suspect Myles will be there but I don't know what he's driving so scanning the parking lot as I arrive is fruitless, but I do it anyway. If he's upstairs I know he'll see me out of the windows before I see him so I deliberately cross one foot slightly in front of the other as I walk making my hips roll and smile with my mouth open as if this is the best moment of my life. I climb the stairs and the anticipation builds. If he's not here, all this makeup will be for nothing.

I sign in and the owner of the gym looks at my face with confusion. I never wear makeup. I smile back forcing her to smile although she's still unsure of what's different. In the change rooms I check myself out one last time and make my way to the only available treadmill, averting my eyes to ensure no eye contact.

"Marley?"

And there it is. The call I needed. I turn to my left, casually flicking my hair off my face.

"Yes? Oh Hey! Myles!" I do my best to act surprised.

He's lifting weights with a young brunette and my enthusiasm fades quickly politeness taking its place. He walks over to me with his arms out and we share a hug. Me in my new gear that smells like new gear looking at his friend who's looking back at us, and him smelling like a guy who takes care of himself.

Myles pulls me in close and it's genuine. His cheek is warm and his hair smells clean. I melt a little. It's been a while since I've had a warm hug and I don't want to let go.

"You look fantastic!"

He steps back and looks me up and down.

"Really. Fantastic!"

"Thanks" I blush.

He makes me feel at ease.

"You look good too. How are you?"

"Good. Good."

He's still looking at me smiling. I smile back and look at the brunette feeling bad for her. He looks over his shoulder.

"Oh. Sorry."

He looks at her apologetically.

"Jane this is Marley. Marley this is Jane."

"Hi" I smile.

"Hi" she's soft-spoken, not like me.

"Well I have to get on the treadmill and work off last night's pizza. I'll catch you guys after if that's okay?"

"Yeah sure. We should get back too."

I hear Myles saying the words but he's not making any movement away from me.

"Nice to meet you" I wave past him.

"You too" Jane nods and turns back to the free weights.

"Enjoy your workout!" I say to Myles putting my hand on his shoulder.

His eyes follow my hand.

"You too. I'll talk to you after."

"Cool."

As I climb up on the treadmill there's nothing but confusion. Should I be rekindling old passions? Is he with her and if so, why is he giving me the look? Was it predestined that we'd meet again this way? We always had this unfinished relationship. The way we left it always left the door open for more because our chemistry was so good. I turn the Ipod up and hope that this will be the easiest run of the week. I'm so mentally distracted that I might just keep running till I fall down.

I go to the gym early after a restless sleep and run fifteen kilometers with ease. I know I wont see Myles but that's fine because today is the day for getting things done and I feel like I'm on top of the world and in control again. I have an urge to clean up and I return my empties to the bottle depot buying more wine with the returned cash. At the grocer's I get a great discount on chicken thanks to a label maker's mistake and feeling very accomplished on our way home from town Jasper and head to Brakendale for a walk in the woods. It's been snowing all night and it will be pretty in amongst the trees. There's plenty of snow groomed off the road onto the roadside by the plow and I pull a u-turn to park beside it but the snow bank I'm turning into is much deeper than I anticipated. I stop but I'm already too far in. The snow is up to the top of my door. Shit! I try to back up but only get so far before the wheels spin. Backwards and forwards I inch the car until eventually I've navigated it into a well and truly fucked up position, with the tires spinning helplessly in the bog.

"Fuuuuuuuuuck!" I scream in frustration and bang my hands on the steering wheel.

Jasper jumps back in the backseat seeking refuge from my anger and I turn the car off.

"It's alright bud, just a longer walk than we were going to take."

I turn to pet him and unbelievably a tow truck passes by on the other side of the road sees our predicament and throws the hazard lights on. I jump out giving it my best I'm just a helpless 'girly girl' impersonation.

"Hey how are you? I don't need a tow it's a four wheel drive for gods sake," I smile winking and laugh as I point to the Subaru.

"I was just going to pull you out," the young grease monkey announces.

"Seriously?" I'm surprised at his act of kindness, "Thanks eh, that'd be great! I was just trying to walk the dog."

The guy pulls a u-turn and backs his truck up near my car. I put my sunglasses on my head and remember I have my hair pulled back in braids, which is a young girl look. My lucky day!

"Just make sure it's turned off and put it in park" he jumps out of the truck and looks me up and down and winks.

The guy pulls the Subaru out in less than three minutes and I thank him with another wink and my biggest smile once he's back up in the cab of his truck. I wave goodbye and Jasper and I take to the trail, Jasper running well ahead having had to wait. I look back to see the truck moving away in the distance and I'm surprised the guy didn't try to hit on me. I thought that was why he'd stopped and yet it turns out he was just doing his fellow man or woman a favour on a snowy day.

"So what's going on with you Marley?" Jess asks.

I stare at her smiling. Blank. I'd smoked too much weed on the drive down. What have I been doing? Where have I been in the last week? I look at PIL and she simply shrugs and sips her green tea. Think. Think damn it. Where the fuck have I been? I went to the Hydroponics store and picked up bails of dirt and chemicals, I had the flu, worked the garden, hiked, aaahh there it is.

"I hiked to Deeks Lake with Jasper on Wednesday. Now that was cool. It was a very quiet and peaceful six hours. The only thing I could hear was running water and my heavy breathing the whole way. And of course you know I have the kids several days a week."

"Uh-huh."

Jess sips her 'double something half whatever' latte with whipped cream and chocolate. Sometimes I could literally see the weight going on her. Her stress levels and love of all things tasty in copious amounts meant that she was always on some shady diet, some new-fangled fix for overeating and eating bad foods.

"Oh that sounds great! I want to get pregnant already so I can stop working and go hiking."

"How's that going?" PIL jumps in turning our attention to Jess, "The baby making?"

"Well we're having the right kind of sex for it to happen if that's what you're asking?"

We laugh at an old 'in joke' and then Jess's tone changes and she gets serious.

"I don't know. James is just so busy with work. He worked really late three nights this week and one of those nights he even slept in his office! So we haven't had a lot of opportunities for the old..." she whistles and makes a motion of a finger through a hole.

"To be intimate?" I ask quietly, chastising her crass display.

PIL looks from me to Jess.

"To fuck you mean?"

"Yes PIL. No time to fuck!" Jess has bite to her words.

"It's hard," I say supportively rubbing her arm.

Jess nods at me.

"It sucks. And even when he is around, he's tired and has a hard time getting in the mood even with my sexiest lingerie on. He says the stress at work is getting to him. Do you think that could be right?" her eyes scan our faces.

I look at PIL not exactly sure what Jess's asking and whether she's actually suspicious of James or more fearful he's just not into her? PIL takes the reins.

"Do we think it could be stress that's making him less interested in sex? Is that what you're asking honey?"

I'm too-ing and fro-ing about whether to say anything, insinuate anything, encourage her to spy on him, maybe do a little checking? My mind feels as though it's a pinball machine and my eyes are wide and I'm staring at Jess. I look away before she can read my face.

"Yeah, I guess so. Awe crap! I don't know what I'm asking."

She breathes out loudly and leans on the table with her head in her hands.

"I just wish he was more interested in making a baby, you know. It should be our priority right now, not work."

Jess is getting whiney, teary and emotional. She's rarely like that. She probably has her period.

"I know" PIL rubs Jess's knee.

We must look like a bunch of Nanas petting Jess like a dog.

"I'm sure he's just trying to get the family some stability by working hard Jess. He's looking at making the decision to be responsible for another human being for the rest of his life. Probably the biggest step he'll ever take. That's something to consider, I mean he seems to be trying to prepare work wise for it?" I hear myself say.

Why did I say that? I realize that I have to tell PIL what I saw then the burden of knowledge will be released. Well sort of. And when the whole story comes out I wont be the only asshole who knew James was a prick and didn't tell a good friend.

"Why don't you get the candles out tonight? Order in a special meal and have some cool music playing low. Set the scene so that he walks in and can't say no," PIL offers.

"That sounds great. The problem is he might have to work late?"

"Yeah that does make it hard to create romance."

"It will happen Jess. If you're always worried about it though the stress might interfere with things going well when you do have time for the old squeaky, squeaky?"

"You're right Marley. I know. I just want it so much."

I do too. Love, romance, a relationship, a baby. I don't want it with a cheat though and I suspect Jess doesn't either but that 's her reality.

I push the girls out front and centre when I see Myles is at the gym. No baggy t-shirt on today, only a tight lycra and cotton mix cut just low enough to be fashionable and a little titillating. I'm having a 'check me out' moment proudly showing my plumage, fluffing my feathers. The treadmill slows to walking pace and I'm catching my breath when Myles comes up from behind and startles me. I flick my hair around quickly so that it's not stuck to my face or neck while we're talking.

"Hi pretty lady."

"Hi" I blush seeing my breasts out and glistening as I hang my earphones around my neck.

I reach to turn the music off.

"Madonna huh?"

I'd blush if I wasn't already so red-faced. Madonna shows my age.

"Yeah the beats of her music help keep me stride. Like a racehorse, ya know?"

He smiles at me as I laugh nervously at myself.

"Well you'd be a thoroughbred Marley! With those legs!"

He's looking down at them and takes his time working his way back up my body.

"Thanks."

Grinning like an idiot I notice he's already put his sweater on. He licks his lips smiling back at me.

"You finished?"

"Almost" I point at the free weights and shrug as if I'm not sure I can be bothered doing them

"Wanna grab a coffee?"

I raise an eyebrow at him. Coffee hey?

"Sure."

I'd been practicing acting casual in case he asked me out and I think I pulled it off. I wanted to jump on him then and there and slap him around the head shouting, 'Of course I want a coffee. Did I look like this the last time you saw me?' I've had a hard run and my legs are hurting so I could easily finish up besides nothing is going to stop me from getting some action with a nice guy. Just the way Myles looks at me makes me feel good.

"I just have to grab my bag," I point to the locker room.

Myles nods and waits near the front desk and I walk away hoping he's watching me go. In the change room I smile at myself in the mirror and pick some oatmeal from between my teeth. I look fresh after my run. Shiny. Happy. I wipe my face and pull on my hoody. It snowed overnight and there are still flurries.

We drive our own cars and Myles follows me to the park where I leave my car and jump in with him. If I'm going to be getting out of his car later still in my workout clothes, it isn't going to be right outside the gym. I look at him while he drives. He has a great jaw line and his hair's not receding. I'd forgotten how handsome he is. He sees me looking at him and I smile coyly. The electricity between us is undeniable and I'm a slave to the pheromones.

"Starbucks okay with you?" Myles says enthusiastically.

"Oh hell yeah! I love their hot chocolates."

Time hasn't changed the chemistry between us and coffee is the last thing on my mind but we go to Starbucks anyway. I cross my fingers that Evan isn't around and thankfully I don't see him, giving more credibility to the fingers crossed theory. We get our drinks to go and Myles drives us down to the beach.

"Wanna walk?" my hand already grabbing the door handle before he stops the car.

"Sure" he jumps out and zips his coat.

I wish I had a coat. It's cold and with the sweat drying on my body I'm feeling the wind cut through the material. I shiver.

"Would you rather we get back in the car?"

"Mmmm... without Jasper a walk is never as much fun?"

He laughs and unzips his jacket taking it off and throwing it in the backseat. We sit and drink our warm liquids looking out at the serenity of the water and the mountains. I'm halfway through my hot chocolate when he reaches over and puts his hand on my thigh. He puts his coffee in the cup holder and I turn towards him as he leans across the brake to kiss me. I'm worried about spilling my drink so I hold it out away from us as our lips connect. Our kiss is much more awkward than I'd anticipated.

"Give me that."

I laugh and Myles grabs my cup out of my hand.

"I was trying not to spill it."

"I know."

He takes my drink and puts it in the other cup holder and without warning he's on me. My heart's a flutter and I'm loving it. We're parked at the estuary but anyone could walk by. Myles doesn't seem to care. As he pushes my seat back his hands are working their way around my body and he switches them so that one is always holding the back of my neck while he kisses me. I'm thinking too much whereas he's focused and just getting hard against my leg. His lips mash mine as he moves from kissing my neck.

"Ouch sorry!"

"No I'm sorry."

I moved at the wrong time trying to free my arm that had become stuck under his body.

"Come here."

He pulls me back to kiss him and when I come up for air I can barely speak.

"You wanna get in the back? It might be more comfortable?" he shrugs.

"Sure."

Myles is in the back before I can blink and he has his arm out to help me over the seats. The windows are already fogging.

"Thanks."

I climb over the seat and he pulls me onto his lap. We're grabbing at each other and I'm hot and sweaty gasping for air with him on top of me, my head up against the armrest on the door. The car smells like sweat and sex and I'm struggling to breathe with his weight on me.

"You okay?"

"Yeah I'm just having a hard time breathing. Too much weed you know?"

"Yeah. We'll have a breather."

He sits up on his elbow and it's just enough pressure off my chest that I can relax. I smile at him mischievously.

"You're a very naughty boy Myles Hardy."

"Who me? What did I do?" he smiles devilishly.

"You're in the back of your car with a young lady whose reputation could be soured because of your loins and their need to push up all over me."

"I'm sorry. You're right. We should stop. Where's your top?"

He looks around sitting up some more.

"I'm not on it am I?" he wonders.

"Screw you. You're not going to work me into a frenzy and then stop" I smile.

"Oh so now you want this? Now I'm not all up in your space?" he grins pointing to himself.

"Oh you better get up in my space! Now get back here."

I pull him down on top of me and we wriggle around until I can breathe adequately enough for survival. We're going to finish this. It has to be now, or like our last date it could end in disaster. Not only could we be asked to leave but this time we could also be fined for public indecency.

"Now where were we?" I lean in to kiss him.

"Somewhere here."

Myles kisses me deeply with his hands searching for my tickle spots and I sense he wants me to touch him. I'm holding back. I'm kind of lazy but it's also the thing he wants. My power only exists as long as I resist. I want to make him happy but he's so into me that I'm worried he'll come in my hand.

Without Travis throwing a leg over I'd let the Garden of Eden grow wild so I'm glad I forced myself to wax. I grab Myles cock and can feel he's circumcised. I couldn't remember from our last encounter. I stroke him slowly and he stops kissing me concentrating on his own pleasure. I know he's going to come during sex anyway so why work him into a frenzy with my hand when it might mean the difference between thirty seconds or ten minutes of fucking?

"I want you inside me" I whisper climbing up on top of him.

He takes a couple of stabs at getting it in, even knocking at the back door a couple of times but that sucker is locked tight. Finally he pushes through the front door and jumps into the pool and we fuck hard right there in the daytime in the parking lot. The car must be rocking or at the very least bouncing. I know because my tits are. I have to cup them with my hands to stop from smacking Myles in the side of the head. There's not much room to move and I'm hunched over on top of him because I'm so close to the roof.

"We need more room. You need to get a wagon."

"Oh yeah, oh yeah... You're right. Grab my balls."

I worry about my sweaty scent but it doesn't seem to be a problem as he licks my neck, and sucks and bites under my arm. His nose is in my armpit and the way he blows on my skin it tickles. His 'Little Engine That Could' comes to a rest in under the five-minute mark with his boys splashing into the pool. At one point I wanted to whisper in his ear, 'I think I can, I think I can' but it would have killed the steam he'd built up.

My leg is cramping I need to stretch out. I look at the clock on the dash as we climb back into the front seat panting. In my head I revisit the way I've spent the last twenty minutes of my life. I enjoyed some fumbling clit stimulation and a couple of dozen vaginal strokes. No orgasm. Not even close. It wasn't the worst sex I'd had. It was simply hot 'n' heavy car sex. Urgent, sometimes frenzied and always cramped, made more fun because it was risky. Someone could see. This sex had no obligations and no rules.

Myles is a breath of fresh air in my life of suffocation. He's kind and he cares. I want him right now. I need him. He wants me. It's simple stuff I tell myself but I know it's not. Feelings are about to get involved. I'm trying not to over think it.

"So are you stepping out on someone Mr. Hardy?" I pull my sweats back on.

"Huh. No?" he's confused.

"Who's Jane?"

"Oh!" the penny drops and he nods at me, "Jane! I'm living with her. I mean her boyfriend is my buddy Nick."

"Oh really! You're living with your buddy's girlfriend?"

"Nah. Well yes but she lives there with him and I'm just a tenant."

I can't tell if this is good or bad news. The idea that he's already interested in someone else has its benefits. It makes it less pressure. There's no need to worry about unwanted feelings surfacing.

"Why? Did you want me to have someone Marley?"

He pulls me into his arms and kisses me. He's so warm and clean. He squeezes my thigh and I can feel where he's been inside me. His abrasions.

"No" I smile, "She just seemed nice. Your type."

"My type? What's my type?"

"You know. Soft. Genuine. The gentle girl you bring home to Mom."

He nods saying nothing. He knows I'm right. Maybe he can see that I think this thing is not likely to be long-term? After all I've already excluded myself from his type.

"Nah I like fun girls who like to go for coffee" his eyes look deep into mine as he smiles at me.

"Well that rules me out. I like hot chocolates."

He laughs and kisses down my neck.

"I like those girls too."

Myles drops me back to my car where we share another series of long kisses and say goodbye. I float home. I feel like I do when I buy new sneakers. I could be a high jump champion I'm so energized. One minute I'm getting fit the next minute I'm getting fucked. I feel desirable again.

I check the kids because they were watered a week ago but they don't need anything more yet. When they're babies I have to be careful not to overwater them. I have two florescent lights covering all ninety-eight plants and room temperature along with close lighting has them happily expanding in the three-inch pots.

The dryer outlet is close to the grow room so I don't have to attach more electrical cord or change it to run the timing board off the oven. The timing board we have can take either 6 x 240 volt plugs or 4 x 240 volt plugs and 2 x 120volt plugs. I want to run five or six lights based on the fact that I'm paying for everything, rent, hydro, chemicals, dirt, oil heating and cable etc and it isn't profitable otherwise. The ballasts I borrowed from Travis are unwired and unboxed, so it's heaps of work just to get them working and fire safe. Five ballasts I trust, one scares me so five it is for now.

Section B in The Vancouver Sun features "Violent 'grow rips' on the rise." The article outlines a recent spate of home invasions in the Richmond and Surrey areas, where criminals break in looking for marijuana grow operations. They want the cash proceeds and/or the crop of cured weed. The problem is they don't always get it right when it comes to locating the grow ops because criminals are dumb and sometimes they break into innocent folks homes.

The same paper reports that Vancouver Police dismantled 359 grow operations last year and Surrey RCMP say 658 grow operations were reported to them the same year and they executed search warrants on 156 of them. 156 out of 658 is only a quarter. That's pathetic yet at the same time it's good news for me. There's little chance of or interest in a bust.

January feels the month for marijuana busts. Either that or The Province and Vancouver Sun newspapers are simply on a roll as to what they're reporting. Surrey Police raided a grow operation at a rental house owned by Ministerial Assistant to the Provincial Financial Minister, Dave Basi. He was already embroiled in controversy at his office and was fired from his position the next day. The problem is the penalties are too lenient for growers. I think jail time is the only thing I fear and with my Ma and Pa set-up that was unlikely. Acquiring a criminal record was the other thing that would hurt. If that happened I'd be in it for life. Once my work and social options were limited because of a conviction, I'd lose a lot of opportunities, not to mention acquiring fines and lawyers fees. I'd probably turn right around like so many others have done, and make more money growing dope.

"You grab that end and I'll just pull on it."

"What? And hopefully it will come away?"

"Right" Evan nods but smiles acknowledging this could go horribly wrong.

"One two three. Go."

We're dismantling a built-in bookcase in the grow room to enable access to water and the dryer outlet. Evan pulls the back off it and we can see right through the wall. It had been stapled to the beams and in a couple of spots the staples had ripped the board but it was nothing that couldn't be fixed. I put the pieces aside to reassemble them when I vacate the house.

"Now that we're through I'll drill those bits of two by four into the ceiling and hang the chain. Then you can hang the lights."

"Okay."

"Are you going to run the hose from the trough straight to the big tub in the room for watering?"

"I was?"

"Yeah that'll work. You just have to watch with the tub in one room and the tap in another not to get distracted..." he trails off on purpose.

"I hear you."

I laugh. He's having a go at my inability to focus. I'd never tell him that that had already happened.

"What are these ballasts?"

"Oh those. I borrowed them. We can run six lights we have the room. We may as well."

"I dunno? They look dangerous."

"I know what you mean. I wasn't sure. I used that one in the green crate for the last run and had no problems."

"Your choice" he shrugs.

I look at him while he works. If we didn't have all these years between us, and all the baggage that came with having been lovers we'd probably be pretty good in legitimate business together. Ideally something that could offer us freedom, profits and no stress and lots of time for recreation.

Evan works fast and with precision. I get the feeling he wants to leave so I hang the lights while he connects the wiring for the timing board. Up on the ladder I look down on him working. He reminds me of garden gnome. No more like a Smurf. And he's Grumpy Smurf for sure. Or was Grumpy only one of the Seven Dwarfs?

"How'd you make out with the outdoor this year?"

"Ah yeah... not much. I only had a few plants out there."

He knows I helped Travis with his outdoor grow but says nothing about it.

"Oh okay. No animal sabotage?"

"Nah. Deer around but they didn't touch it" he keeps working without looking at me like he's on a mission.

"Lucky. Speaking of deer, have you been out hunting lately?"

He'd never hunted when we were together. It was a hobby he'd acquired since he'd become the stereotypical 'logging town guy' with a new truck, who tried to exude bravado by putting on camo gear and shooting animals from a distance with guns.

"No."

Silence. He's not into imparting information about his life to me anymore. Understandable but I don't think I'm asking him anything private. Maybe he just doesn't want to talk?

"I want to get out there. I just haven't had time really and I need a new gun... Oh shit!"

Evan jumps back and I quickly look over to where he's working expecting to see sparks. The last time he got a shock he melted the end of the pliers.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah I just hit my head."

We're silent again and I let him focus on the timing board. The last thing I need is a fire at the board. I don't even have a fire extinguisher! I climb the ladder and hang the shades. I hang them low because I don't want the plants to be long and scraggly stretching for the light. I carefully screw in the 1000watt bulbs without touching the glass. The bulbs aren't cheap and finger marks only reduce the light emanating from them so I work slowly holding them in an old Whistler Mountain staff shirt. The shirt's too small to be Evan's so it must have been mine. I don't remember it but then I have heaps of staff shirts for the many different venues I've worked in. There's feverish banging and I look down.

"Get in you bitch. Come on. Get in! There that should do it. Hop down and we'll try 'em."

The Smurf speaks! Evan's short. Short is not a word to use around a short man but it's the truth. He's taller than my 5' 3" but not by much. And he has a thick middle, kind of like a tree trunk, which helps make him look stocky. He's less the guy who catches your eye on the beach and more the guy that... well Evan's the guy that... umm... he's practical.

"Yes!" he throws his hands in the air as the board powers up.

"Thanks eh."

"It's all good. I gotta motor."

He's distant when says goodbye but I expect that these days. It makes me sad but I'm too exhausted from the work to worry for too long. Evan has his own life and this business and I, we're just baggage he's trying to lose. It's the loss of friendship and even some civilities that's taken me by surprise. I couldn't imagine having to deal with him after a break-up if we'd had kids.

I sip my hot chocolate and look at Myles from the behind while he's paying for our drinks. He's fit and muscular. For as long as I've known him he's been into biking and his calves are like boulders. He turns around just as I'm focusing in on his tight ass and I look up at him slowly blushing at being caught, although part of me is happily flirting.

"Real coffee!"

He holds up his Starbucks cup showing me that's where this 'real coffee' is.

"Real Ly-Hot Chocolate!"

We smile at each other and ever conscious of having possible milky stringy saliva from my lips to my teeth I cover my mouth with my hand. Myles puts his hand in the small of my back guiding me to a table. I have my sweats on and even through the three layers of clothing that are trying to keep my back from getting cold I can still feel the warmth of his touch.

"Here good for you Marley?"

"Yeah great."

Myles pulls a chair out for me.

"Thanks."

He's nice. Nicer than me. When he'd suggested a coffee after the gym I'm sure he thought we'd be getting physical but I have a yeast infection so I'm putting him off for a couple of days. We haven't done a lot of talking so it's a good opportunity to reconnect properly.

"So when did you move down anyway?"

"I left Whistler in October."

I show surprise even though it could have been any time and I would have given my 'really?' face. He nods giving me his 'believe me' face.

"Yeah after Whistler I traveled around the US for a couple of months building those IKEA playgrounds. You know the indoor ones with all the balls?"

"Yeah I know the ones you mean."

"And when I came back Nick offered me their spare room. I wasn't sure where I'd end up so it seemed like a good idea."

He shrugs and sits back, drinking more of his coffee.

"Nice. And Jane seems nice too."

"Oh she's great. I'm still trying to work out why she's with Nick though? She spends most of her free time with me."

"Oh really?" I raise an eyebrow deliberately at him.

Now I'm interested. He laughs and I see him blush.

"It's not like that. Well a couple of times when she's been a little tipsy she's come on to me but there's nothing in it."

"You like her!" I smile.

"No not like that" he shakes his head.

He's protesting but any man asked the same question would answer in the same way when asked about being interested in a mate's girlfriend.

"Oh sure you do. She's a pretty girl. You couldn't help but have a hard-on just being around her!"

"Well... if she was single maybe?" he laughs "But we're just friends. I'm like her girlfriend, you know? She gives me pedicures and we just hang out."

"Pedicures? Curious. So where's Nick when all this is going on?"

Myles shrugs at me, he wants to change the subject. I'm being overbearing about it.

"There's more to it Marley."

"Do tell?" I smile, thinking I have him now.

"I'm not well" he's quieter.

I sit up straighter. Sometimes I don't know when to stop.

"Why? What's wrong?"

He breathes out heavily looking around him at the other patrons.

"Last year I was out partying and I fell down. I just lost control of my muscles. And I wasn't drunk."

"Oh my god!" I put my hand over my mouth.

"I wont lie it was fucking scary. But I'd been doing a lot of blow and I thought that it was that you know?"

I nod supportively, unaware that cocaine could make you lose control of your muscles.

"Anyway it didn't happen again for about four days and then I just collapsed in the bathroom at home."

He sips his coffee and I breathe deeply not realizing I've been holding my breath.

"So anyway I went to the doctor and he did some tests. I told him what I'd been doing, you know the blow, and he said he didn't think that was it. Although that may have triggered something else."

"Right" I'm nodding listening intently.

He sits forward talking in a softer voice.

"So I've got Multiple Sclerosis."

"Shut up!' my eyes are wide.

Those few words have changed everything. Everything about the way I see him. Myles has had some time to adjust to the idea but my heart is breaking for him. Why? Why him? He's a lovely guy. I put my hand on his upper arm and rub it gently. I'm sure he doesn't want my pity but I just want him to know I care.

I was surprised that he'd been able to hide any sign of change from me. MS might've been able to infiltrate his body but not his spirit.

"Yeah" he nods and sits back "MS."

"Brutal" I shake my head, "What've you been going through physically? Are you on medications for it?"

"Yes the medications are helping but they also create other issues, like I have trouble getting a hard on."

"Could've fooled me!"

I spend the afternoon sitting at the computer reading everything I can on MS. I have no idea what Myles future looks like but I want to understand what he's likely to have to endure. None of what I read makes me feel any better.

The Vancouver Sun reports that the Real Estate Board of Vancouver wants homeowners to have to sign a declaration as to whether or not the home they are selling was ever a Marijuana Grow Operation or Crystal Meth Grow Lab. Home owners have three choices. Yes it was used for a grow op, no it wasn't or I don't know. The house we just left was repaired to it's original state and you'd never know it had contained a grow op. You'd have to know what you're looking for and actually be looking for it to even pick up on the smallest sign. And even then it would be inconclusive. We are an exception when it comes to growers though, Evan and I. We tarp, tape and protect carpets. There is no hosing as watering is done by hand from large tubs one cup at a time. The room while maintaining high levels of humidity is well ventilated and is always one in need of renovation, or the garage. We fix holes and repaint. I could see a niche for us in the 'idiot growers' circles. As business people, we could offer to set up a well ventilated, tidy indoor grow operation in the space of their choosing and then could conceal the fact that it ever existed once the tenants want to vacate the property. There could be big bucks in it but the problem was finding the client that could pay before their first harvest.

My head is thick. Through tired red eyes I can see that it's 6.27am and I sit up in bed and light my first joint of the day. It's still dark. Drawing the smoke in slowly I get the slightest hint of my own bad breath and exhale loudly coughing and hacking. I have to get out of bed before I wet myself.

"Com'on you beast! Let's get you some breakfast."

Jasper jumps up and we are both stumbling towards the kitchen when our legs entangle and I fall to the ground. My knee gets the first carpet burn I've had in six months and is only one of a few not from sex. I laugh.

"You tripped me you big oaf!"

I scoop a mug of dry chows into his bowl and he demolishes them in seconds. I imagine a big clump of dry food with a little moisture in his stomach.

"Slow down big fella."

My daily routine is partially navigated by this big dog and I don't resent him one bit. Caring for Jasper has helped get me through some lonely days, nights and weeks.

"Who's a good boy? Who's my good dog?"

I rub his back feverishly and all his extra skin flops back and forth. I love how soft his coat is and lean in for a hug. He's so lovable. I grab the muesli, the jug of milk and a bowl and spoon and shuffle to the couch, tucking my feet up under my body. I balance the bowl on my knees as I pour the milk in. I check my phone to see if I have any messages and scoop spoonful after spoonful of cereal into my mouth. I'm hungry.

I haven't heard from Travis for some time. I'm not sure how long because Myles had been doing a great job of keeping me distracted. Although that distraction now has a distraction of it's own and I'm struggling to see what future I'd have with Myles? I couldn't take care of myself let alone someone else, and then what if we had babies down the line? Ugh! I can't even think about it. It's undeniable that his announcement has made a huge impact on our situation and I'm sure there are some women, many women, who would just look past it but I can't. I'm damaged goods. I'm looking for someone to take care of me. Not the other way around.

Winter is attacking as I run from the taxi to the front door of Au Bar. It's another cold and snowy Friday night only tonight I've stupidly agreed to join Jess, her friend Kym from baseball and PIL to hang out with some of our friends at the bar. Our 'friends' are mostly casual acquaintances we met at the bar, former flames and amicable one-nighters. Depending on how slutty you were some of us were both a friend and former flame to these guys. Thankfully I was only a friend although I'd certainly been tempted.

I haven't been to the bar in a long time and I'm having fun as Jess and I bust into the Nutbush enthusiastically. It has touches of Carlton's dance moves from Fresh Prince of Bel Air and I throw in an Elaine kick from Seinfeld days. As the music slows Jess focuses in on me and we dance overtly sexually towards each other garnering most of the attention on the dance floor. PIL crosses the dance floor and I think she's coming to join us when out of nowhere she grabs my arm and leads me away towards the corner of the room. Uh oh! I'm in trouble!

"I'll be right back," I say quickly to Jess.

I shrug apologies and shake my head at Jess knowing events like this could set the two of my friends at each other's throats. Jess could be self-involved especially when she drank and PIL was interrupting her good time.

PIL pushes me into the corner.

"What? What did I do?" I look at her confused.

"I think James is having an affair!" PIL blurts out.

I look around me to make sure Jess hasn't followed behind, stunned by what I'm hearing.

"What are you saying?" I ask loudly over the music grabbing her arm lightly walking further away from everyone.

"James. Jessie James!" she announces as if I'm an idiot.

I have a vision of her tapping on my head like it's hollow.

"Uh-huh yeah I got that. Did you see something?"

I look over at Jess and watch her talk animatedly to Kym. It shocks me to realize that I'd rather be over there, listening to whatever bullshit she was sprouting than over here talking about things that were going to upset her.

"Nothing. I didn't see anything."

I turn back.

"What?"

"I overheard the guys talking at Voda and they were making dirty comments about him. I pretended not to hear but listened hard," she nods and looks around her for male attention smoothing her skirt and then her hair.

I want to disclose everything I know but I'm still not sure if she knows anything and I can't be the only one to bring this to light. Jess will hate me.

"So whad'ya hear that makes you think he's a dog?" I prod.

"Aaron told Nick that he went to the game with James and Georgie?"

PIL shifts in her heels losing her balance and grabs my arm.

"Shit! Sorry 'bout that!" regaining her composure she smoothes her skirt and hair again.

"All good."

"Anyway I ask Aaron 'so who's Georgie?' And he says 'just a friend' like really quickly, as if she's no one. But my sixth sense just tells me there's more to it. And remember what those chicks he works with said at their engagement party?"

"Right" I nod still hesitant, "but remember hadn't one of those girls slept with him and couldn't she have been a Bitter Betty about him not wanting to be with her?"

PIL thinks about it and nods.

"Yeah I guess... but it just didn't seem that way. It seemed as if she was telling me what he was like because she was surprised he was settling down. I didn't get the feeling she was ever that into him. Probably because she knew what he was like."

I nod in agreement.

"What else was said?"

"What? When? That night?" she's confused.

"No when you were out with the guys."

"Not much really. Just that they were both at the game last Thursday Night with Aaron and after it was said the boys all smiled and a few of them dug each other in the ribs, as if they were sharing a joke. I don't think Jess even knows 'James the Prick' goes to the games let alone with another woman?"

She shakes her head in disgust.

"Are you sure? Or is it just a gut reaction to something that was said? I mean I'd hate for you to have heard it wrong. James with another woman, that's a really big deal!" I add hoping she'll just confirm the information I have.

"I know it. I don't know how to tell you I know it, but I know it Marley. He's a filthy cheating pig!" PIL spits.

"I believe you. Are you going to say anything to Jess?"

She shakes her head.

"No I'm too tired."

Too tired to tell a friend that their fiancé is a cheater? And I didn't mean right this minute. Tell her tomorrow.

"But what if she finds out you knew something and you didn't tell her?"

"How? I've only told you."

She had me there. But we couldn't both be sitting on this information without acting.

"I really think you should tell her."

PIL looks at me strangely. I'm trying not to push but I want James dirty little slut-cret out in the open and I don't want to be the one to do it. I wish Jess would just run into James out with Georgie somewhere. Sure I'd be sad to miss the fight once Jess started slapping her around but I'd be happy that that little bitch is finally getting what she deserves. I imagine a lion killing a zebra only Jess is the lion.

"No I'm not so sure. You're right. I don't really have any proof and I didn't see anything. We better we wait and see if something happens" she shrugs.

Damn it! All of my fucking questions. I've tainted her.

I'm watering the garden when the doorbell rings. I freeze in shock. I don't know what to do? I don't have random visitors for good reason and I'm too high to answer the door but I'm worried that the person knows I'm home with the sound of running water and movement. I stay still barely breathing. The doorbell goes again, Jasper barks in the back yard and I hear a voice call out.

"Hello."

It's too late to be the landlord. I hate the fact that the grow room is right beside the front door at the this new house. I swallow and my throat is dry. It feels like sandpaper. Another knock. I pray it's a couple of God Squad reps canvassing the neighbourhood for spiritless individuals ripe for the picking. Churches need people or they're just empty buildings.

I sneak out of the room as quietly as possible considering I have to walk through heavy plastic. I slip along the wall towards the door. My cell phone rings upstairs. Shit! Stop. Stop. My breathing is amplified in my ears and I look at the silhouette through the smoked glass panels in the door. The person is close to the door and talking into their phone. I'm panicked. It's the cops. I'm rooted to the floor. What rights do I have? Can they come in? Fight or flight. I can feel the tug. Will they try to take Jasper? If I don't answer will they break the door down?

And then I recognize the voice. It's Evan's and looking at the silhouette again it's definitely his stance. My shoulders relax and slump forward and I need to pee urgently. I open the door and he can see the relief on my face.

"Marley. I'm sooooooooo sorry. It just occurred to me how this would be for you. I should have called before I came over," Evan seems sincere.

"Yeah. That would've been better" I turn and leap up the stairs, "I thought I was going to have a heart attack. But now, if I don't go to the toilet I'm going to piss on the floor."

"Sure. I'm sorry. I just came to change the locks and let you get on with your night."

"Thanks for that eh!"

I run upstairs and pee with the door open while he pulls the front door lock apart. I wander back past him towards the grow room. I have plants to water.

"Hey Marley how's it going?"

I'm numb. We didn't touch anymore. We didn't talk to each other the same way. He had become my helper and handyman and I was his burden. I turn back to look at him surprised he's asking after me. His eyes are still cold.

"It's good. Just wanna get another round or so off and get out. You know?"

I'm confirming what I'd told him when we'd had to move this stupid business and he'd had to sign on for another lease that he wasn't using.

"Yeah. It's stupid. We should never have started it. I want you to get out."

"Me too."

Reality and my ideal world are still so far apart. I'm sad thinking about what Evan and I could have been together and I go back to watering before I say something I can't come back from. Evan's choices were well past this lifestyle so it was easy for him to say that I should get out. It was much harder for me to rise up on my own. Everything I'd ever earned we'd spent.

Evan finishes changing the lock and comes to find me.

"Things look good" he smiles and nods at the garden pointing, "You could do with staking a few of these over here but I'm sure you know that."

I look up at him from under the light where I'm watering and notice he's getting awkward.

"Well I'm going to go. It's all done and the keys are on the entrance table thingy."

"Okay. Thanks Evan. Thanks heaps eh!"

I get up and walk over to him. We share a quick hug and as he pulls away he smiles at me.

"You're a beautiful person Marley."

He turns and leaves and I shut the door behind him. I stand there in the silence feeling good and bad.

"Thanks" I whisper.

A flood of emotions washes over me and I let a few warm salty tears run down my face and into my mouth. I don't feel beautiful.

"You are unbelievable!" Myles has my face in his hands kissing me all over.

I push the blankets back off my head. I'm hot and sweaty having been under them for the last twenty minutes sucking cock.

"Thank you."

I wipe my mouth pushing hair back off my face. I know I give good head. I made it my mission. I learned early in my sexual experiences that an enthusiastic well-executed blowjob got me anything I wanted. After a good blowjob I didn't even have to screw if I didn't want to and who wouldn't want to hear they're good at something that's appreciated and revered by at least fifty percent of the population? And of course there's the control. At what other time is a man so vulnerable?

"Hey listen I have to get going."

Myles needs to get up and go. I've got work to do and a dinner date with PIL. I like to have daytime sex but afterwards I struggle to lie around. I don't want to fuck so I've cut that option off by indicating my blowjob is all it will be today.

"I could lie around with you all day Marley."

He reaches out and pulls me into him kissing me all over my neck.

"I'd love to too but I have a date."

He pulls back smiling.

"Really?"

"Yeah. My girlfriend and I have plans."

"Oh! Okay I'll get dressed."

He's not upset. He's being his nice self even though he may be thinking I'm pulling back by just giving him a blowy rather than fucking.

"Sorry Myles. We made these plans a while ago..."

I lean across the bed to kiss him trying to settle any uneasiness between us.

"Hey Marley it's fine. Jane and I have a pedicure in Whistler at 5pm anyway."

"What?"

I cock my head to the side and raise an eyebrow.

"I'm joking!"

I'm not sure he is but I don't care. I need to get on with my day. He can get all of that girly stuff out of his system with her because it's weird that he likes grooming more than I do.

It's raining steadily as I run down Denman Street towards the beach and duck up the stairs into the foyer of Milestones.

"Who'd live on the Wet Coast?" I mutter to myself.

I shake the back of my jacket off on the matt before I open the door. The place feels a little cold but the atmosphere is casual and it's close to PIL's place. We like Milestones too because once we get gossiping our volume goes up and we have no fear of eviction. Expressive communication is allowed at Milestones. Not surprisingly PIL is twenty minutes late. She looks like a drowned rat when she walks in. I have to stifle a giggle as she walks up to the table.

"Why so wet? No umbrella huh?"

She unwraps her scarf from around her neck and dabs at the bottom of her wet hair with it. Wet hair or not she still looks good. I grab a napkin and hand it to her so she can blot her face.

"Thanks Marley. No I didn't have an umbrella but that wasn't the problem. I was doused in water coming off everyone else's umbrella's as I ran across at the lights."

"Oh I hate that! There are so many umbrella's that you have nowhere to go. And then someone will lift their umbrella higher too and nearly take out your eye."

She nods enthusiastically.

"That almost happened. Did you see me?" she looks out the window behind her.

"No" I laugh, "I was too busy watching a guy sitting over there in the window pick his nose and eat it. He didn't even try to be discreet. "

"Ewwww."

PIL grabs the menu and I rub my hands together. I'm hungry.

"You having the usual?" she smirks at my predictability.

"You know me so well."

I always have the roasted garlic and goats cheese with three salsas plate and lots of wine. PIL likes pasta and she always gets a big plate of something garlicky with a Caesar salad. I often wonder where she puts it?

"I need a Corona. Where's our server?" she sounds flustered.

"She's coming" I look past PIL.

PIL puts her hand out the side of the table as if casually hailing a cab. The server nearly breaks it off as she comes by arms loaded with plates of food and doesn't see PIL's hand.

"Ouch!"

"Sorry I didn't see you. I'll be right back," the server huffs trying to untangle her legs from PIL's arm.

PIL shakes her head.

"Why be in hospitality if you don't like people? Sheesh!"

"She wasn't trying to be rude. She nearly lost four meals that she'd have to pay for. She's just flustered."

The server is back in no time.

"What can I get ya?"

"Corona please!" PIL doesn't look at her.

"And you're okay?" she looks at my wine glass.

"Yes I'm fine. Thanks."

The server walks to the bar and brings PIL's beer to the table straight away. It's still not good enough for PIL and she flicks the lemon out of the bottle onto her side plate with disdain.

"Cheers!" I hold my wine glass out.

"Cheers baby!"

"So! Whatever happened with your yoga guy?"

PIL laughs nearly spilling beer out of her mouth.

"Oh Augie?"

I raise my eyebrows.

"Augie? His name was Augie?"

She laughs harder.

"Yes that's his name."

"What does it mean? Is it short for Augustine?"

She shrugs.

"I dunno? We went out a few times. He's a really nice guy but too serious for me. The yoga thing is his one focus in life."

"You're not into yoga? But doesn't that mean he can bend in all directions?"

She laughs again and snot escapes her nose and runs down to her lip when she accidently snorts. She wipes it quickly with her sleeve.

"Sorry. Yeah he's not bad in bed. He just treats yoga like a religion and I'm not that fanatical about anything."

"So has he been relegated to the booty call file?"

"Mmmm..." she sips her beer and puts it down clumsily, "I'd like to but he's the kind of guy that gets attached."

"Mmmm"... I nod, "The one's that want a relationship are never the ones you see a future with."

We look out at English Bay through the big windows. The sky and water are both grey, just different shades meeting at the horizon. The persistent rain makes the ocean look pockmarked and people rush past with shoulders hunched and heads down.

"Where's Jess gone?" I flick my hair back and self-consciously look around me.

There're no hotties in the joint! No hottie servers to perv on and not even a hottie with a honey to try and distract.

"Seattle I think? Some conference."

PIL checks herself in her compact and I use her being distracted to pounce.

"So are you going to tell Jess what you know?"

Looking in her little mirror she rubs her tooth and snaps the compact shut.

"I don't know? You think we should?"

"We. What we?" I frown at her.

"Well what do you think? Should I tell Jess that James is a dog?"

I shrug feeling guilty for leaving the burden with PIL.

"If it were you would you want to know?" I stare at her.

"I guess... No. Yes. Yes I'd want to know."

"Okay so if someone did tell you, wouldn't you want them to have proof?"

She nods slowly.

"Yeah you're right. But how do I get proof?"

"I don't know?" I shrug again not sure why I'm providing problems not answers?

I stare out the window and finish what's left of my wine. Why did I keep stopping her from telling Jess? The best solution for me was if PIL told Jess what she knew. But I know that that won't be good enough for Jess and once she snoops around, James will find a way to lie his way out of it. We needed proof so that he couldn't.

"If it was me... shit, some men on those talk shows say they cheated the whole time they were married and the only time they stopped was when they were caught. Not being confronted gave them a special license to cheat."

PIL is angry with James.

"That's true. If you think you're going to get away with it... But as I said if it was you, wouldn't you want someone to bring you proof? Every woman knows that without proof a man thinks he can lie. She'll just end up yelling accusations at him, he'll call her a crazy bitch and life will go on."

I sit back looking around the room. Still no hotties! Where's the server?

"Do you think he's a dog Marley?"

"Oh yeah. He's a dog! For sure. He's a pig in fact!" I leave the sentence hanging in the air as if I haven't finished my thought.

To tell or not to tell? That was all I could hear in my head. Once I told PIL what I knew it would be out there. Jess's life would forever change.

"What was that?" PIL looks at me curiously.

"What?" I play dumb.

"You were going to say something," she points at me.

"Nah, I wasn't" I shake my head dismissively.

"Oh!" she covers her mouth with her hand, "You know something Marley. You know more than you're saying!"

PIL digs a finger into my shoulder, eyes wide. I pull my head back and frown as if she's being ridiculous trying to blow her off. I'm overacting to compensate for the fact that I'm lying. She catches me. Damn my indecision.

"You do! You do! Oh you sooooooo do. Come on Marley you have to spill."

"Really don't know anything PIL. Only what you've told me" I'm deadpan.

"Yes you do. I know you. You cheeky liar! Why won't you tell me?"

She's puzzled and then hurt. I see her face change and know that the gig is up. She thinks I don't trust her.

"Uh-huh" I say in a whisper and I smile to myself, shaking my head knowing my confession is near.

PIL finishes her beer and holds her hand up in the air as if she has a question for the teacher. She's not going to have her arm nearly broken off this time. I scan the room for our server who's behind PIL. She's already spotted PIL's arm and nods at me.

"The server tells me she's on her way. You can relax."

"Thanks" and she drops her arm heavily onto the table.

Most of the restaurant's patrons turn to look at us. I smirk at her being silly.

"Alright. I know something but the only reason I didn't tell you is because I don't want to be the one to hurt Jess. Everyone shoots the messenger and this time I just want to back up someone else's message."

"Fuck! Well I don't want to do it either."

Jess was going to be crushed like a bug and we were going to do it. She was trying to have kids for fuck's sake.

"Relax PIL. I think we both suspected James was a dog a long time ago didn't we?"

The Server wanders by.

"Another round please" I say it quickly as she makes eye contact.

She nods and keeps walking.

"Mmmm... So what do you know Marley? Do you have the proof then?" PIL smiles because she's already broken me.

She has that look of relief that I felt when she found out about James cheating and the burden of knowledge was lifted off me.

"I saw James and this Georgie chick, well I think it was her, at a Canucks game" I shrug.

"You saw them? No way!" she shouts.

The Manager looks over and frowns staring in our direction. I hunch down in my seat while PIL holds up her empty bottle indicating she's still waiting for another. Such bravado. She wasn't going to take the Manager's attitude.

"So you saw them together? That's crazy! When?"

"Well I guess I did? I never got the chick's name. This was back in December."

I try to calm her with my smooth even tones but it's useless.

"Before I told you what Aaron had said to the guys at the bar?" she's incredulous.

I nod as the Server delivers our drinks silently and walks away.

"And you never told me?" PIL leans in.

I take a big gulp of my wine and put the glass down as I swallow.

"PIL I didn't tell anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone or be the reason they are sad. I've got my own fucking pain. We both know how it feels when love goes wrong."

"True" she nods at me.

"And James can be a real prick!"

"Oh my god did he see you?"

"Oh yeah we saw each other" I nod exaggeratedly.

Her mouth is wide open.

"You did? Well how come James isn't worried about you exposing him?"

"I dunno. At the time I know he told Jess that he saw me at a game and because I never said anything about Georgie to her when she mentioned it to me back then, I'd look like an ass to say anything now. Right?"

"I see what you mean. So she knows he goes to the games then?"

"I don't think so. Maybe he tells her he goes only if someone isn't using their seats? You know, he sort of set me up in a way. But only if I ever wanted to say anything and right now I'm not saying anything."

"James is a fucking pig! I wish I could punch his smug face in!" PIL spits her words.

I'm just annoyed. I wanted this one to work out well for Jess. She's always struggled to find a guy who would stick around longer than one night.

"I'm so sour PIL. I've been making sure I'm never around him since then because I'll lose it."

"And so what's this Georgie look like? Skanky ugly bitch right? Perky little titties but you need a bag for her head?"

"She's pretty PIL. She's your typical dumb, bleach blonde trinket. I even told her that he was with someone else and they were trying to have a family and she just looked at me like I was mad!"

"What? You talked to her?" PIL can't believe these developments. She looks like an owl, eyes wide unblinking, not that her head is doing a 360 but she wasn't far off it.

"This is going to be a huge drama."

"Oh yeah! It already is isn't it? And I really don't want anything to do with it. I wish you'd been the one to see it."

"And you didn't want to tell her when she talked to you about you seeing him at the game?"

"No. I didn't know how to approach it and it wasn't a good time to create upset between them. They were recently engaged and having that party and all."

"Are you going to tell Jess Marley?"

"No."

"What? How can you not now that we both know about it?" PIL is annoyed like I was when she didn't tell Jess.

"No. No. No. No. No. You can tell her."

I just shake my head and look around the restaurant. It's filled up while we've been talking. There're till no hotties though.

"But you saw this Georgie chick. You actually saw them together. You have to. Jess needs to know."

"I agree but it's not coming from me."

"So you want me to tell her? And then she'll have to ask you anyway?"

"You're the one who's been following the story so you should be the journalist to report it. A more impartial approach."

"Oh I don't know Marley."

"Well I'm certainly not going to!"

PIL sits back frowning as the server brings her a fresh beer. I'd noticed she'd had almost twice as many drinks as I'd had.

"Can I get the wine list please?"

The server pulls one from under her tray and pats PIL on the shoulder.

"I'll be right back."

PIL turns to me with raised eyebrows.

"Did you see that? All touchy-feely. That server patting me like I'm an old dear?"

"I think she was being friendly PIL?"

"No Marley this new generation of servers think they can treat you like they're an old friend. Where the hell has the respect gone? It used to be there was a clear distinction between the diner and those that are serving the food."

"What back in slave times?" I laugh.

"You know what I mean. The server should be showing more respect rather than trying to buy my forgiveness ahead of time for abandoning her duties at our table with some unwanted camaraderie."

"Slow down PIL. She's just a server, throwing down plates and glasses and picking them up again later, remember? We used to do it."

"Yes you're right. But still, where has all the class gone?"

Her head jerks back and forth as she looks around her for something or someone. I put more garlic and goats cheese on my cracker. PIL looks at me exasperated.

"This James thing has me totally fired up."

"I can tell. "

I hadn't thought she'd be quite so crazy about Jess's misfortune but I'd forgotten about her own drama with Justin and how quickly he'd moved on or simply moved in as we'd heard it. PIL knocks back half a bottle of beer. I deliberately talk with food in my mouth, opening it wide trying to lighten the mood.

"It'll be alright PIL. Now where's that lazy bitch server?"

PIL finally smiles and points at me.

"You! You'd better bring a big box of tissues and a huge shoulder to Thursday Coffee, because I wont be able to pretend that something isn't wrong!"

"I will" I nod knowing that the secret had expired and all was going to become known.

I'm in the bath soaking and thinking again even though it's been known to be disastrous when I do. The washcloth over my face makes steam go up into my airways and I'm hoping it'll clear out some of the gunk. I'm stuffed up and I feel miserable. What am I going to have for dinner? The aroma from the Dead Sea Essential Oil satchel I poured into the water is starting to relax me. It could be the hot water alone but I like to think I haven't wasted two dollars. Travis is becoming less interesting to me. There's nothing left to discover. He's not all that mysterious and I annoy him in so many ways and that annoys me. And I'm finding the whole scene more and more boring every time we get together. There's the urgency to be drinking and if we're not in some bar then he's looking to grab a six-pack. Am I THAT hard to be around or is he THAT alcoholic?

Our last 'fifteen minutes of friendship' was the pimping incident. I left. I knew I'd have to make contact eventually. Only I wondered how long I could go? I stretch my toes out of the water and they're instantly cold. My nipples harden, my skin puckers all over my body and I pull everything back under the water and turn the hot water on. Awakenings stir within me and in a moment of clarity I realize it's worse than I imagined. Travis is narcissistic and totally emotionally unavailable! The perfect challenge and someone to nurture to the other side, the loving side, without too much commitment to become their 'everything.' Evan had succumbed and I considered him the ultimate challenge. Maybe that's why I didn't want to rise to the challenge this time? Because I'm more fulfilled. I'd shared love, shown love and created love. I didn't need to work for it. When you did these things it found you. It always did before and I had no reason not to trust that it wouldn't happen again. I couldn't believe I'd wasted the spit on Travis though. We're back to the beginning when I meant nothing to him. I don't matter. We're simply acquaintances through business. Nothing more. I lost my head and forgot to see what was actually before me. My mental paintings of life are always more colourful than anything my life has produced for me so far. This period will become known as 'the surreal faze' in my future biopic about a mind gone mad from weed and over-thinking.

I'm up early and Jasper and I run through the woods before Thursday Coffee so I can have a treat. I'm starving by the time I get to North Vancouver and because today's girly gathering is going to be anything but giggly I'm going to need the sugar. I want the blueberry oatmeal bar because it's healthier but when I get there they don't have any so I get lucky and indulge myself the caramel apple slice!

PIL joins me on the couch and Jess nods at me and surveys the crowd as she saunters in, briefcase in hand. She's all business right down to her neckerchief versus my 'track n field casual maybe have a nap on the couch?' attire.

I've decided to eat slowly but also continuously so that I won't have to talk.

"I just gotta grab my coffee," Jess peels off her coat and scarf and throws them on the chair beside me.

"You saving that for Ron?" PIL points at my chest.

I look down. There's a big lump of caramel and apple goo sitting on my right breast. I laugh loudly.

"Uh-huh" I laugh at my carelessness.

I wipe the bits of slice from my chest and Jess comes back with hugs for both PIL and I. Our hug is awkward as she tries to avoid the stain on my shirt. She settles into her chair, the server brings her coffee and PIL steers the conversation straight towards Jess.

"How's the baby making going?" PIL prods.

I cringe because it's happening. It seems so obvious. Small talk with specific interest in Jess. PIL and I agreed that if we dragged it out until the end of coffee to tell her, we wouldn't be able to hide it and she'd know something was wrong and that'd make her feel worse.

"Um..." Jess is looking down reading distracted by her phone, "Pretty good. We're both very busy but we're trying to make a baby at least once a week."

I nod and Jess sips her coffee and looks around the room.

"Uh-huh one shag a week..." PIL obviously has something else to say.

"Why? What's up?" Jess shifts sitting upright.

She looks at PIL and then at me. I have food in my mouth so I can't say anything. The silence feels never ending. One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand, four one thou...

"What's going on?" Jess looks straight at me.

I put my plate down on the table slowly still chewing my food and look at PIL.

"Well?" Jess looks at PIL the silence is making it worse.

Let's put this dog out of its misery. Hurry up PIL! I keep looking at her and from the corner of my eye I can see Jess does too.

"Well it's just that... have you ever..." PIL searches for the right words.

I thought she would have had it all sorted in her head long ago?

"Have I ever what?" Jess snaps looking at me frustrated.

She's going to lose her shit any minute. I chew faster.

"Thought of James having an affair?" PIL's voice is soft but it's audible.

She steamrolls both Jess and I. Jess looks like PIL just hit her in the face with a snowball. She's stunned by the idea. I've only been assaulted by the bluntness of the delivery. Jess's intuitive though and she can sense that this is not news to all of us. She looks at me and I pull my 'god this sucks!' face.

"Why?" tears well up in Jess's eyes and she nods. The mask is off and she's sad.

"It'll be okay Jess" I rub her arm unable to stay silent any longer.

"To be honest lately I've been thinking that maybe there IS someone else?" she says to me.

PIL and I glance at each other as relief sweeps across our faces.

"I would call the office late when he said he was working and there'd be no answer. You can only need the bathroom for so long before I'm wondering where he is, you know?"

"I'm so sorry Jess," PIL holds her hand.

"He smelt like beer and perfume at times but I just told myself he'd stopped at the bar for a few drinks on the way home. Maybe met a friend, they hugged and the perfume stayed on his clothes?" she wipes her finger under her eyes to remove the tears without killing her make-up.

"Uh-huh."

PIL hands her a tissue and we nod at her sympathetically as she dabs at her eyes.

"So what do you know PIL?"

"Ummm... well not much. Marley knows more."

Jess shoots me a look and I shoot PIL one.

"I mean, well I was at AuBar last week and I came back from the bathroom and I overheard the guys say James and Georgie..." PIL cuts right to it exorcising herself of the information.

She looks to Jess to make sure she should continue with her story and Jess nods.

"...and when I asked what they were talking about most of the guys just shifted from foot to foot and nobody answered me. But I guess Marley saw them together at a Canucks game or something..." she shrugs.

Jess looks up at me startled.

"You actually saw him with someone else?"

She wipes her eyes some more.

"Yes."

I'm quiet and my cheeks flush with blood.

"Fucker!" she says under her breath crying heavily.

"Bastard!" PIL adds.

Jess sobs loudly.

"He really did this to me. I can't believe it. I never trust them. You know me Marley. I never trust them. I let my guard down for this one."

PIL pulls out more tissues and both she and I reach for one. She gives a handful of them to Jess.

"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you when I saw them but I wanted to be sure. For all I knew it could have been a colleague from a work function or she may have been a client? James and I never talked about it."

Her eyes keep questioning me while PIL rubs Jess's back.

"I should have told you what I heard earlier too Jess but I'd been drinking and wasn't clear on the details. That was until I asked Marley and we shared information."

The tears flow as predicted and PIL was a great friend, bless her little soul. She had just been through the same upset and was aware of how Jess would feel. It always feels the same. Like you're the fool. When someone goes elsewhere but still comes home to you, it hurts much more than them just leaving. You feel used.

"Did you ever check his phone?" I ask.

"All the time! That pisses me off worse than knowing he's a philandering prick. He must have a second phone."

I nod. He probably has more than two phones. But Jess has all the information and I'm still not sure she'll make any changes. James is the most stable relationship she's ever had and while she's hurt and angry I didn't hear her say anything about kicking him out so I'm careful not to slag James off for that reason. Maybe this wasn't a relationship deal breaker for her? Her need for family could mean she'd simply write this off as a lapse in judgment. Her need for revenge would mean James would have a mess to clean up.

"Megalomaniac" by Incubus plays on the radio and the traffic is moving steadily ahead of me. The sun is just starting to peek through the clouds at 4.30pm but the Second Narrows Bridge still has water all over it from last night's rain. The rain will never dry with the amount of daylight left in the day. These last two months of winter waiting for the price for weed to go up again have been deeply depressing. I want company. I call PIL.

"Are you home?"

"Yes."

"What about if I come over and bring a bottle of wine?"

"Yes please!" she shouts into the phone.

"When will you be here?"

"Soon. I'm nearly in town."

"Cool. I better tidy up. See you soon."

When I get there she's sitting in the living room on the floor tiling another mosaic tabletop. She's almost knocks me over with her hug when I put down the Thai take-out I grabbed at the last minute. I have to drive later so I'll need some sustenance. She's obviously starving because unlike what I was thinking where we'd eat after some wine and good conversation, she grabs a bowl of green chicken curry and coconut rice as I uncork the bottle of red. I smile at her.

"So I caught up with Myles Hardy recently."

"That's right. So, how's that going?"

"Good. Very good in fact" I smile at her coyly.

"Shut up! You hooked up?"

"Uh-huh."

"Where? When was this? And why didn't you say?"

"I'm telling you now aren't I? Besides we've been preoccupied with Jess's drama."

"I guess."

"The last time I saw him was this morning and he wants to take me to dinner next week."

"So it's a thing then?"

"Not a thing. We're just having fun. And while it's fun I'll keep seeing him."

"And Travis?"

"I don't know. He's around. We're just friends."

It was the first time I'd actually admitted to myself or anyone else that there was nothing between Travis and I.

"So it's over then?"

"Sort of. The last time I saw him was the pimping incident and I haven't gone back."

"And you shouldn't."

"I know."

I do know it but being told to do anything by anyone just rubs me the wrong way. Instantly I feel the need to get in touch with him. To make sure we are okay? I don't want to lose his company. My phone rings on the coffee table. It's on vibrate so it rides across the table to PIL.

"It's Jess!" PIL hands my phone to me.

"Uh oh. Have you heard from her?"

PIL shakes her head.

"It'll be fine. Answer it."

PIL only wants to hear the drama not deal with it. I have to answer but I don't want to.

"Hey Jess how's it going?"

"I kicked him out!"

Jess is pumped. I can hear in her voice that adrenalin is still running through her veins.

"Hang on a sec okay?"

I push my finger to my lips telling PIL to stay silent and put the earpiece in so that both PIL and I can hear the conversation but Jess wont be on speaker and know that I'm with PIL.

"Sorry honey. So how are you doing? And how did James react?"

"He was angry. He denied everything and when I brought up the fact that you'd actually seen them together he denied that too saying 'wouldn't Marley have told you if she saw me with someone else?'"

"Fucker. I should have said something then... I can't believe he'd try to say I was lying? What do I have to gain?"

"It's okay Marley. He's just pissed that he got caught. He begged me to let him stay. He wants to work on things."

PIL shakes her head furiously at what she's hearing and I open my eyes wide begging her not to say anything.

"Isn't it a little late for that? I mean I don't think it was a one time affair?"

"That's what I told him. And then I..." Jess stops.

"No. No" I'm holding my hand over PIL's mouth.

"Who's that Marley?"

"Who?"

"Who are you talking to?"

"Oh sorry. It's Jasper. We're out for a walk."

"Oh hi Jassie!" she coos in my ear for me to relay to the dog.

"Jess says 'Hi' Jas" I say to PIL and take my hand away.

"So I told him that I was disrespected and didn't have time for him to grow up and that he had to leave."

"Wow! Good for you Jess. Was it hard?"

"Shit yeah. I so wanted to believe in this guy Marley. I thought this was it."

"I know. I could see that. The whole engagement party thing kind of gave you away."

"Yeah and wasn't that a farce?"

"But we didn't know anything back then."

PIL rolls her eyes at me.

"I know."

"He might not have even been a pig then?" I'm trying to be nice knowing what his workmates had told PIL that night.

"But if you did it once, you'll do it again. That boundary's been crossed. He can't go back and I'll never trust him. I had no choice but to end it."

She's almost questioning herself now.

"That's true. A leopard doesn't change his spots."

"And for him I think it's the forbidden fruit, you now? He wants what he can't have. Because he's been crying and begging me for the last ten hours to give him another chance."

"Wow. I can't believe you actually booted him. Stay strong Jess! You deserve to be treated better."

PIL drops the other earpiece and walks away into the bathroom.

"I know. I feel pretty good in fact. I think I've known something wasn't right for a long time I just hoped a baby would change things."

"Uh-huh."

"Anyway I'm tired. I just wanted to fill you in. And I wanted to be openly negative so that someone reminds me I'm a fool if I go back. Who better than you?"

I hear her exhale from her cigarette.

"You're right Jess. There is no-one!"

"You know I joke."

"Yeah I do. You must be exhausted with everything happening in the last few days Honey. We should play a game of racquetball one night. Work out some of those pent up emotions."

"Uh-huh," she's already stopped listening.

"Get some rest and call me if you need anything. I can be there in an hour," I laugh.

"Hey thanks" Jess laughs too.

"Bye."

"Okay bye."

PIL comes out of the bathroom.

"That's bullshit!"

"What is? She kicked him out. That's what we hoped for."

"Yes but she's not exactly convincing. If she's not convincing me that she's out then she's not convincing him."

PIL is worked up.

"I understand what you're saying but it's baby steps PIL. You didn't get over Justin in a day!"

She still wasn't over Justin but I couldn't cut that close to the bone. As tough as PIL is today, she's still very fragile.

"We have to support her moves. Not her end game. We don't know what that is?"

"She'll take him back. I heard it in her voice."

"Maybe? I'm not so sure? If she'd found out before we did okay, then it's more likely. This way she will remember he cheated every time she sees us."

"That's a bit dramatic."

"I know her pretty well. That stuff eats her up," I shrug "It's a game of wait and see now."

I get home from PIL's a little after 7pm. Pouring myself a big glass of red wine I flick the TV on hoping to see 48 Hours or 20/20 in the guide. There's nothing. Friends repeats and Nancy Grace are only remotely interesting. Myles calls as I'm changing out of my g-string into my jammies.

"Hey, I'm just taking my undies off. Are you watching me?"

"Yes and it's cold in the trees out here! Can I come in now?" he makes chattering sounds with his teeth.

I laugh.

"Ooooh I really wish I was there to keep you warm tonight. Do you always answer your phone like that?" Myles laughs.

"No! I knew it was you!"

"Hey so want to go to Vancouver Friday night?"

"Yeah sure. That sounds good. What will we do?"

I'm excited. I haven't been out for such a long time, unless you count seeing the inside of the same bars with Travis?

"Marley you let me worry about that. I'll pick you up around 5.30pm."

"I'll be ready."

"I'm looking forward to it. See you then."

"Do I need to wear anything special? We're not jumping out of a plane or anything?"

He laughs.

"No not yet. Just be yourself. Think dinner at some point but nothing too fancy."

"Great."

"I'm looking forward to it too. Goodnight."

He's so sweet. He's been raised right. I worry that this will end badly though because I need the challenge and at the moment I'm the one keeping it interesting. Dinner and a surprise outing was cool though. I wasn't going to say no to that.

"Hi Marl, what's up? Forget something?"

"No. Oh, I don't know? I'm just flustered."

"Why?" PIL sounds tired.

"I don't know. Myles called to ask me out and as much as I like him, I know he's not the guy for me. But I said yes, only I just feel like I'm wasting his time. He's pushing, you know?"

"Uh-huh, but do you wanna to spend time with him?" she prods.

"Sure. I just don't like the pressure of his expectation because we've had sex an all."

"I know what you mean. Why don't you try being the guy for once? Enjoy the time and put no pressure on yourself?"

"I guess."

"His expectations have nothing to do with you. Stay strong and simply enjoy. Besides, you've got one more date than I've got this week."

"Thanks. And I mean it's not like he's not good company" I'm trying to convince myself more than her.

"Tell yourself you're just friends and it'll become more obvious to him as time passes, I promise."

"So no touchy-feely hugging then?"

"No. Uh-uh. Definitely not! That sends a different message entirely. I know you want the sex but if that's all you want then outward flirting will only confuse things. He wants sex no matter what you do, you don't have to send out that signal."

She laughs and so do I knowing it will be hard for me. Why is it so hard for men and women to be friends? Why did we both believe that there are hidden meanings to messages sent by the other sex? Why didn't touching a guy's arm just mean I like and trust you, instead of, to him meaning I want to fuck you?

I don't want to share Myles secret with anyone. It isn't my place. But it makes a huge difference to the amount of guilt I'm feeling for not wanting to settle down with him. And since he told me about his illness it feels as though he's looking for a wife.

FEBRUARY

I call Travis. It's three weeks after "the pimping incident. He doesn't answer. He knows it's me because I've made sure my caller ID comes up on call display. Without a message service caller ID is the way he knows who he's supposed to call back. I call his number again the next day. Noonish. Nothing. I call the day after twice at 1pm and again at 6.30pm. Nothing. No response. I wait the whole next day out and call at 9.30pm. Nothing. He doesn't call me back. I hate this. All that waiting to move the weed and now I've got no broker.

I shower quickly and I'm still drying my hair when Myles arrives. Handing me a bug bunch of flowers he leans in to hug me and he smells delicious.

"These are for you. You look beautiful Marley!"

This guy is always a gentleman. What's wrong with me? He's taken the time to plan to see me and show me that it meant something to him just to see me. These were the guys I mostly dated before Evan and long before Travis. But I didn't marry any of them because they let me control everything. The attention Myles shows me is an incredible boost to my self-esteem as he pursues me with vigor, but it's the idea of having to take care of someone makes it hard. I'd spent years taking care of Evan and had neglected myself. I had to find happiness within. And I wasn't in a position to date anyone seriously. I lived a secret.

Myles takes me to Pitch & Putt in Stanley Park. It's been years since I played golf and with the way the course is designed I feel like we're the only people there. It's twilight and Myles is a good golfer but we're closely competitive and the nudging and jibing begins immediately. The short game is my stronger suit and I really want to win every hole.

"Nice one Marley! You do a few more of those and a few less clangers and you might actually win a hole!"

"Hey! One clanger, I did one clanger! And you're right. I might win this hole and then I might never stop winning holes. Look out! And that's scary considering we're only on the third! What if you had your ass beaten by a girl?"

"I think I'd like that" he smiles, hormones flying recklessly throughout his body as he grabs me around the waist, kissing my neck.

I feel happy and relaxed, giggling about bad shots and killing people accidently with those bad shots. It's the best date I've ever been on in years and we haven't even gotten to dinner. I feel like a normal person. Someone who doesn't make their money doing the wrong thing. Someone in a normal relationship where the person they're with actually shows they care simply by caring!

Pitch & Putt is followed by dinner at The Fish House and a glass of port with my chocolate mousse is the perfect end to a memorable evening. I feel very special. But I don't deserve any of this. This type of evening is for a normal girl, a good girl, a girl who does all of the right things, a girl who dresses for women's approval not men's. For me this is a big night out. Looking around the other tables at the perfect people I feel alien, as though I haven't scrubbed all the dirt from under my nails but I don't really want to either. 'One of these things is not like the others...' I sing the song from Sesame Street in my head.

"Well that was delicious. I don't think you could have picked a better restaurant Myles."

"Yeah it was good. Would you like anything else Marley?" he pushes his chair back and rubs his belly.

"Oh god no! I'm stuffed. You might have to roll me to the car."

Myles laughs.

"Me too. Should we go?"

"Yeah sure."

"I'll just get the check."

Myles pulls my chair out to help me up and takes my arm leading me to the car. I walk slowly crossing my legs in front of each other with my handbag hanging from the end of my arm. I hope it looks sexy but I can feel how drunk I am and wonder if it looks more like a sobriety test where I'm trying to keep a straight line?

"Thank you for the evening Myles. It was a lovely date," I'm slurring slightly.

He pulls me in to kiss him as I rub my groin against his groin and we lean hugging against the side of his car.

"You are very welcome" his breath is warm in my ear.

Our connection is clumsy and to cover for that he kisses all down the side of my neck. I feel dry in my mouth and hot. I've had too much to drink. Myles gropes at my breasts and I know I'm on the hook for sex later anyway so I pretend to be into it. I'm actually very tired. Our sex had started to lose its spark too. We weren't new to each other any more. Out of familiarity has come boredom and laziness. I know all of his moves. My body no longer trembles at his touch.

"Hey Marley, It's Travis. I saw you called. Listen I'm off to Victoria but ummm... I'll call you when I get back. Alright later then."

I play the message twice and smile as I delete it. He called me back. More than a month since I last saw him and he's playing it cool.

My arms hurt. I overdid the increase on the free weights yesterday but my personal trainer told me that the body needs constant stimulation to improve. I want definition in my arms so I'm trying to give them a days rest. Apparently that's the best thing for them but my abs require constant attention and I use the chair as soon as it's free. I climb up and hang with my arms on armrests at right angles while I pull my knees up to my chest. These ones hurt more than any other exercise for my abs and I cringe holding back the inner screams of pain and I look in the mirror as if my body is supposed to morph into something better while I'm doing them.

Not wanting to see Myles I waited until after lunch to workout and I see that he and Jane signed in at their usual morning time. Their relationship fascinates me. Myles didn't think Nick was good enough for Jane and she spent most of her free time working out with or hanging out with Myles, even doing intimate things like pedicures. There's nothing like having your friend, someone you invite into your home, step in-between your relationship based on their own needs. Myles might be right about their relationship but he's forgotten his friendship. And because he's looking for a wife all he can see is that he's already living with her.

I move to the bench. With my bum teetering on the edge of one end I hold my legs straight out in front of me. Looking in the mirror I see some guy on the stationary bike staring up my shorts. I'm quick to jump so I have to wonder whether he's just daydreaming and not actually looking up there? Besides he's older and might not even be able to see this far? He looks me in the eye and smiles and I feel sick. I was right the first time. Fucking Perv!

Getting home from the gym near dark I throw Jasper in the backyard. I have no desire to head out in the cold for a walk tonight and I stand in the shower with the hot water burning my back for what seems like hours. I'm warm enough to walk naked from the shower to the bedroom and I get straight into my sweats and watch the end of Divorce Court while I smoke a joint. I'm stunned to find that one dude is back again after divorcing his second wife first and is now looking to divorce his first wife? I'm so high I wonder if I heard it right? Self proclaimed "Dr.Love" is seeking a divorce and alimony from his first wife after already marrying and divorcing his second wife. You can pretty much get away with anything these days.

I imagine the call I'm about to make. Best-case scenario the call goes to voicemail.

'Hi Myles, It's Marley. Thanks for the other night. I had a lovely time. Listen I'm going to be away out of town for a few days but I'll call you when I get back. Have good workouts eh. Bye.'

Yeah that'll work. It's a weak move. But I'd buy myself a week to think about things. I dial the number. It rings and I feel my stomach clench. I'm making a call out of obligation and I don't like that.

"Hello?"

My number must be blocked.

"Hey Myles."

"Oh hey Marley! How are you?"

"I'm good. Hey listen I just wanted to thank you for our date last night. It was lovely."

I use the word lovely on purpose. I carefully selected it ahead of time. I want to make it sound like it was a good time without being too enthusiastic. I don't want to confuse things between us any more than they might be.

"Oh hey. Not a problem. It was a great night. But... I didn't see you at the gym this morning?"

"Oh yeah I had a sleep in" I laugh, "I'll get there tomorrow."

"Good. Good. I missed you today."

I laugh and then I'm quiet. He doesn't fill the silence.

"Did you have a good workout?"

"Yeah. It was great. Jane and I stopped in Brakendale for coffee after and I'm just getting in from taking their dog Cooper for a run at the lake."

"Nice. Which lake?"

"Garibaldi."

"Cool."

"Yeah it was fun. There was hardly anyone else there and Cooper loves the lake. He could've swum all night. Hey we should get him together with Jasper for a walk. They'd have a great time."

"What kind of dog again?"

"Chocolate Lab."

"Yeah we should get them together. Speaking of which, it's dinnertime and I still have to feed the big lug. I was just going to let know tomorrow I'm going away for a few days and I'll give you a call when I get back."

"Oh okay. Well be safe in your travels and have a good sleep. I'll see you in the morning before you go?"

"Yeah hopefully I'll make it."

"Okay bye."

I feel weird. It's like I'm pretending. When he was leaving in the wee hours after our date I hugged him. The hug spurred him on and it became awkward. He leaned in to kiss me just as I turned to open my front door. His lips brushed my ear and he accidentally grabbed my stomach and one of my boobs in his embrace. I was screaming on the inside 'just say goodbye.' The more he wants us to be something the less I want it. I know he's sensing it but as I'm becoming more certain we're not supposed to be together it's a conversation we need to have. Ugh! I wish I could just send a text like imbalanced and insensitive people do.

"Hey it's Travis."

"Hey. What's happening? I think we need to get together 'cos' I'm running out of cash. Fast."

He coughs. He sounds sick.

"You okay? You sound bad."

His nose is stuffed up.

"Yeah I'm fine. Listen you'll have to come and see me. We can talk then."

"Do you think we can see the doctor?"

"Maybe? Look, you're better to come see me. You'll have to pick me up in Kitsilano."

He's not even going to let me try talking about it over the phone this time.

"Whereabouts?"

"I'm staying with Pat. I'll meet you... on the corner by the bagel place. Give me time for a shower."

"I'll be an hour or so. That enough time?"

"Make it an hour and a half."

I drive to Vancouver with three and a half pounds of weed in the trunk. It doesn't worry me to have it there but I know if I'm pulled over it will be all over. Anxious about getting some money and getting rid of the product I grip the steering wheel tightly, scanning the road for police cars. Paranoia has reared its head but I fight to regain control. Quietly turning onto West 4th I creep along in the inside lane. Not slow enough to look like trouble I just don't want to be early. I turn the music down and as I look up I'm relieved to see Travis already walking towards me. He jumps in the car at the crosswalk before the shops.

"The Doctor has dinner plans and we might be able to see him in a few hours."

He smells clean.

"Hmmm... what could we possibly do with a few hours?"

I want to talk about the pimping incident.

"A beer?" I look sideways at him.

"Sure Marley I could be persuaded" he laughs, "It is the weekend after all!"

"Thoughts?"

"Granville Island?"

"Well that's different Travis. Sounds like we have a plan. Sandbar?"

"That'll do me" he nods.

I pull the Subaru into a park out front of The Sandbar in between an Audi and a BMW. This is another place that can be too pretentious for me. I'm embarrassed already. I should have washed the car. Our first beers go down quickly, too quickly and I'm hungry. It's late afternoon and I haven't eaten anything all day. My rush to get money preceded any nourishment my body might need.

"Cheers" he holds out his bottle to me.

We chink our second round of Heineken together.

"Yep cheers. Hey listen, sorry about the last time I saw you. I shouldn't have left in a huff like that."

He looks at me grinning.

"It was pretty childish Marley. And the whole way you peeled out as you left..."

"I didn't peel out!" I cut him off.

"Yes you did" he nods smiling.

I shake my head and look at the landscape behind him. It's a sunny day but still cold out. I'm happy neither of us smokes. Jess would have wanted an outside table.

"You pimped me out to your buddy."

He sits up straight.

"I did not! You were all over the guy."

"I was not! I was being friendly. But you never told him to leave me alone and you saw him earlier in the night. He was a pain in the ass."

He finishes the last third of his beer in a couple of gulps.

"You can't blame me for the choices you make and the outcome of those choices."

"It was never explained to me that we would be getting together so that your friend could hit on me all night."

"It wasn't a one way thing Marley."

I want to explode but Travis is sticking to his story.

"I'm suggesting agreeing to disagree because we see things very differently" I smile weakly sitting back.

Travis laughs.

"I'm the Alpha Male."

He's right. He is. He infuriates me. I want him to love me and at the same time I want to rub his nose in his own bullshit and tell him he's a bad guy. I have to keep perspective when it comes to business though and remember he's helping me. He could have told me to fuck off long ago but he'll broker this weed. I know he will. I just have to mellow out. I'm sure the hassle of helping me move my small amount of weed is more than he can bear sometimes.

"You're drawn to me because I wont be manipulated. Because I run solo. The attraction is that I appear not to need anyone. That strength is my strength."

I say nothing. It's the first time he's ever addressed the way that he acts. I'm stunned. Stunned at his analysis. Travis looks at his watch.

"Shit. I better call the doctor" he gets up from the table.

I look at my phone. It's 6.15pm. Fuck. It's getting late. Where does the time go when you're drinking? I have to let Jasper have a run and get him some dinner. Travis walks back to the table from the bathroom shaking his head.

"It's too late. Maybe tomorrow?"

I stare at him mouth open. That's this industry. It's almost a hassle for people to handle your goods even though it's the goods they need to make a living.

"Huh."

"Yeah sorry but he's got family stuff on."

Travis signals for the server. He can drink happily now that he doesn't have to talk business. I want to go home.

"Well that sucks, doesn't it?"

He's leaning on the table waiting for the server. Yeah it sucks for me. I have commitments and a long drive back and forth that he could care less about.

"Ah well, that's the industry. Tomorrow is as good as today," I don't mean a word of it.

I'm pissed that I have to come to Vancouver again. I think Travis knew that the Doctor would be too busy and got me to come down just to have a beer.

"True. Tomorrow is just another day. I'm sure the Doctor will come through tomorrow."

He nods at me as the server comes over to the table.

"Another thanks love. You?"

He points at me.

"No I'm good thanks. I'm going to have to get home to Jasper."

I have no intention of keeping up with him and I'm already feeling the effects from the beer I've had. I've been in the city for a couple of hours for no reason spending money I don't have. Catching up with him didn't hold the same interest for me.

Lying on the couch I can barely move. I'm feeling sick and hung over from the previous night's escapades having smashed a bottle and a half of wine. I chug water from a coke bottle and think about finding some old anti-depressants or muscle relaxants to ease my self-inflicted pain. The phone rings and thinking its Travis actually getting up early for once I answer.

"Hi Marley It's Laurie here. Listen I just need to know who you guys have your contents insured with?"

It's the property manager.

"What do you mean?"

"The owner can't get their insurance renewed unless you have content insurance," he says with a pause.

"So what you're saying is that the owner can't renew their property insurance with their current insurance broker unless we get tenant insurance?"

"Yeah that's right" he says.

"So what are you saying?"

"Well, if you don't have insurance she can't insure her home so we will have to evict you" he says point blank.

"What? I can't have that," I say with a quiver in my voice.

We just lost weeks on the grow cycle and you are not pulling this shit on me now you cocksucker!

"I can't believe this. Why didn't you tell us this was a requirement before we moved in?" I'm exasperated.

"All tenants need insurance to rent from us."

God he's such a fat prick! I cough away from the phone.

"Sorry I'm sick right now. I need some time to think about this and talk to insurance companies."

"Oh, sure, take the weekend and we'll talk to you Monday."

"Okay bye."

The whole weekend! How generous! I'm stoned. I feel as though I've been hit with rocks. For the second time in two days this business has not only let me down but also left me incredibly stressed. No money, debts up to my asshole and now the landlord making my life harder. I'm freaking out. I have to call Evan.

"Marley" his voice is monotone.

"Hi Ev, sorry to bother you but that fat fuckhead Laurie called and told me he's kicking us out unless we get tenant insurance."

"What? Oh come on!"

"I was like, why didn't you tell us before we moved in? We have trouble getting insurance and we can't be homeless."

"Exactly!"

"It's Karma, Evan!"

"I know," he says without missing a beat, "I know."

"I'll let you know what happens but I don't think it's going to be easy seeing as though we haven't renewed our content insurance after the bike claim."

"I know. Fuck!"

"It's Laurie and Diane's way of saying we know you don't need these big houses just for the two of you."

"Fuck I hate that guy! Ex copper pig" he makes squealing piggy noises into the phone.

"Yeah but Ev, he was only a desk sergeant. Wasn't like the fat fuck was a real cop."

"It still makes him a prick!"

"Totally! He sends Diane to do his business now since the last time he had to deal with us about the garage on Magnolia. I was surprised he was calling."

"Yeah he's a loser. Alright, well let me know how you make out. We'll find a way Marley," he's sympathetic.

"Yeah I will. Thanks eh."

"Yup. Later."

"Bye."

He's gone before I get my three little letters out. The one thing I always admired about Evan was that he was never did the 'right thing.' He always did what he wanted to. He was free that way. I still needed to be nice. Respectful. He burned bridges everywhere and cared less what anyone thought of him as he did. I worried about what people thought of me and whether I might need them again one day.

Travis calls half an hour after the Property Manager.

"I'm waiting to hear back from the Doctor" he coughs.

"Oh okay. Well get up and I'll buy you breakfast."

"I've gotta have a shower. I'll call you back."

"Sure."

Travis calls back an hour later.

"Hey!"

I always try to sound casual. But I'm not sure I pull it off?

"Hey listen. We have forty-five minutes to be in Burnaby. Can you get here? He wont wait" he's talking fast.

I stand up searching for my bag and grabbing a scarf.

"Yep. Call you when I'm in East Van."

I run to the back door.

"Jasper, jasper! Come on buddy."

I put the dog inside and run to the car. I drive carefully because there's weed in the trunk but also fast. I want this weed gone and money in hand. I want to be done with this shit. There's no way I'm going to make it in forty-five minutes. We both know that and Travis calls me again half an hour later.

"Where are you?" his voice is tight.

"I'm just about to turn on Commercial Drive" I lie.

"Okay because you know this is a really small window, right?"

"I know. I know. I'm going as fast and as direct as I can. I promise you."

I'm flustered driving under pressure.

"Maybe try Victoria Street? The traffic might be better?" he pauses, "I don't know. You'll work out what's best. Call me when you're on Twelfth Street, I'll be waiting at the Chevron on Nanaimo."

"Nanaimo? Okay. Bye."

I drop the phone onto the passenger seat. I'm dodging and weaving between cars and trucks as smoothly as possible without garnering too much attention. Stopping at the lights before the Chevron I spot him standing on the corner in last night's clothes. He looks showered although he could have just wet his hair. I unclench my hands from the steering wheel and stretch my fingers as I pull up alongside him.

"Hi" I say happily.

Travis jumps in the passenger seat and points out the window without looking at me.

"Hey, take a right up here and head straight for as long as we can. Is that the real time?"

He points at the clock on the dash. I shake my head no. I hate to be late so all my clocks are fast.

"We have ten minutes to get to Burnaby. The Doctor said 'forty-five minutes', I said 'an hour?' he said 'no forty-five minutes.' It's going to be tight."

Travis is shaking his head. He's going to get attitude if the Doctor is still there.

"Tight. That's the way I like it. I don't know about you?" I mutter with a cheeky smile.

For a split second he smiles but it's obvious he isn't feeling good and we drive in silence unless he has to give directions. The meeting point is the ABC restaurant in Burnaby. Every time I come to Burnaby I remember Michael J. Fox grew up here.

"How much do you have in the trunk?"

"Two and a half pounds in half pound bags."

"That's right" he snaps his fingers, "Forget the half-pound. I have another guy I'll talk to about that. The Doctor'll only take full pounds. You weighed it right."

"Yep. Same as always bags first then zero."

"And it's not wet?"

"Nope."

I shake my head emphatically.

"And there're no seeds? If I shake the bag I wont get a whole bunch of seeds at the bottom?"

"No."

I'm not 100 percent sure about that but I've come this far why would I say yes? I didn't see any when I trimmed it but that didn't mean they weren't there.

"Okay then. Let's do this. Go around the loser in the old Ranger and park away from ABC."

He's smoothing down his hair with one hand and with the other he's pointing out the windshield at nothing specific that I can see. Where? Where does he want the car?

"Away? How far away Travis?"

"Just so that you're not obviously inside the ABC. You could be shopping, anywhere."

"I see."

I pull into a park in front of Bread Garden and leave the keys with Travis.

"I'm going to Starbucks."

As I open the door to Starbucks I glance back to see him entering the ABC restaurant. I know the routine. They'll catch up. The Doctor will look at the weed, decide whether it's worth anything to him and then I'll hear. Could be ten minutes or it could be an hour?

Travis finds me reading the newspaper in Starbucks 45 minutes later. Again he doesn't look good and I'm wondering how the deal could have gone bad? I know the current market price for a pound of dope in BC is $1500 -$1600. That's outdoor pricing. It's crap. The last five pounds I sold to the Doctor was heavily seeded and I had to de-seed the buds in the hope of moving it for a reduced rate. I still got $2000 a pound for that shit in August. This is a better high and better looking weed only it's a shitty time for brokers to be trying to move anything across the border. I need to find someone going back East. Toronto. A shipment I can jump in with. Only there's fat chance of that happening because the market's flooded.

"The Doctor doesn't want it but I asked him to see if he could shop it around. He said he would."

"Oh! Okay cool. Thanks eh."

Now I have no money, no weed and I'm hoping on a wing and a prayer that someone offers me something soon or everything I'm growing is useless too.

I call every insurance agent in town. No one can help Evan and I. We have a claim for $10,000 against our insurance company a few years back for two bikes and our ski coats that were stolen from our house when some dudes, who had come by earlier in the day to look at buying one of the bikes, kicked the backdoor in because they knew we were going out to an event that night. Because we had insurance before that time and didn't retain it a year after that, we're now considered uninsurable for Home Content Insurance and will, according to the Property Manager, be evicted. I'm freaking out.

"No-one will insure us," I sob to Laurie.

I put on the whole show for him. I wait until I'm exhausted from hearing 'No' to my insurance pleas and then I cry. Crying the entire time I drive from the house to his office. Big sad red eyes are better than a phone call. Besides his former policing years make him a tough cookie on the phone.

"Look Laurie the owner will just have to find a new insurer" Diane pleads seeing my grief.

Laurie looks at Diane willing her to shut up. I feel a little guilty for her buying my act and my big mouth opens before I can stop it.

"We're happy to pay content insurance if the owner can secure it with her insurance company. It's just that no one will give it to us" I whine.

"Mmmm I'm not sure about that" Laurie is being firm.

"Look I'll talk to the owners Marley. I'm sure we can work it out. I'll call you and let you know" Diane rubs my arm.

"Thanks Diane" I hyperventilate for effect, "Thanks Laurie" I add looking at him.

Problem solved. Of course, I know that they'll make us pay for content insurance some way. I expect to receive a demand for more money in the mail. Laurie isn't going to let it go. He's such a dickhead!

I don't hear from Travis but that's good too. I don't want anymore bad news. The issues of being evicted, throwing more plants and money down the drain and being broker than broke are just about doing me in. I bury myself in the garden and know that the days will pass and eventually I'll learn the outcome of this disastrous position I'm in. I'd be an idiot not to see that all the signs were all telling me to get out of growing.

I take Jasper out for a long hike to the radio tower. It's a nice meander over the hills and through a series of switchbacks and takes long enough to feel like you've done something but also short enough you can walk it every day. As we get close to home Jasper runs ahead of me. I can see he's tired from the walk. I open the side gate and he runs straight for his water bowl in the backyard.

Heading inside I have to make sure the lights in the grow room are working. The last two days have been a nightmare since I tried to switch to five lights from four. The breaker keeps going on the dryer outlet, so there's no choice but to only run four lights. The new house sucks! Profits are dwindling right before my eyes. I can't cut a break!

Recent reports out of the Squamish RCMP building are that there is a three-man team in Squamish working the grow operations in this town alone. And while that thought doesn't worry me, the Property Manager does. He'll come up with some lame ass excuse for a house inspection next. He isn't going to let us win. Evan told me about a woman he worked with that checked her neighbour's meter box because she suspected them of having a grow op. Who does that? I can't imagine people caring that much about what goes on next door but that's only because the world I live in says you have no idea who you're dealing with, therefore you should mind your own fucking business.

I don't need trouble so I make sure I don't look the part and even I'm suspicious of people who are home all day and don't seem to generate an income. While the internet and home businesses have changed that to a degree the town has way more occupied housing than there are jobs for people. The stay-at-homers can't all be selling things online. Streets and neighbourhoods have a rhythm. The regular comings and goings of people to and from their homes for work, shopping, exercise and activities and there is a subconscious awareness of change to that rhythm. I know enough about my neighbours without caring to know it. My eyes and ears take in information about them I'm not even aware of and I know the same is happening to them about me.

It's Sunday morning and I'm reading the newspaper when Travis calls.

"The Doctor can prescribe 1500mg."

"Fuuuuuck!" I leave it hang in the air thinking.

$1500 a pound! That sucks!

"Look Marley I know it's not great but you know the conditions. I'll push other buddy and see how we do there. Worst-case scenario is that we take the Doctors offer."

"Okay."

I don't think Travis is making enough money from this deal for him to have an invested interest in getting the best dollar per pound. I have no other option though. I have to leave the fate of the weed, and my finances in his hands. Something I'm not at all comfortable with.

"And listen if you do wanna take the Doctors offer then I'll just take $50 a pound. I mean you've had to drive down a couple of times and the price is low..."

This gesture is unbelievable for him and the price seems so low I wonder if Travis is taking more off the top? I wouldn't put it past him.

"Okay. I'll think about it. Thanks."

Thanks? Thanks for what? Fucking me over?

Four days later Travis and I are sitting in my car at a park in East Vancouver and it feels like the deal went bad. I wonder if I'm being fed a bunch of bullshit? And yet I have no choice but to accept it. I'm powerless. I'm growing a product I have no interest in brokering or breaking up and dealing. And the only person I know with the connections to get rid of it in bulk is Travis. He told me he wanted to wait and talk to another contact. In the meantime, the Doctor hasn't heard back and somehow the weed gets filled in an order. No one knows it's exact location and we're forced to accept the Doctors offer. And because he has to find where the weed went The Doctor will only give me $2000 US cash right now for all of it.

Travis hands me the money.

"How much do you want?" I mumble.

"Nothing."

"What?" I look at him sideways confused.

"No really. I owe you. My fines and..." his voice trails off not wanting to be too specific.

"Are you sure?" my tone says I think he's silly for not taking something.

I know he needs the money badly and the hassle of moving the weed needs some reward. I'm so soft.

"What about forty bucks?" he's sheepish knowing he shouldn't get anything.

"Sure."

I hand it to him figuring I have no choice. It's good business. He still has to get me the rest of my money and flog the half-pound.

"That currency exchange where you can convert the US bucks without being charged big bucks is closed now but I'll see you tomorrow and we'll do it then."

He's so helpful, even forthcoming with information. It's out of character for him to help where there's no benefit to him.

"Okay, wanna get a beer?" I'm keen to get home but know that a social drink is expected.

"Sounds good but if you need to convert some money to have a drink then we can't go to The Cambie. They don't take US dollars."

"I assure you I always have enough Canadian dollars for beer Travis."

I drive to The Cambie and get a park out front for a change. We're barely in the door, Travis strolling ahead of me to the bar when he turns to me with a serious look on his face.

"I've only got about an hour because I've got a meeting at seven on the North Shore. Maybe we have a couple and you could drop me off on your way out?"

Meeting? What kind of meeting? If it's a date then say it's a date. If you're going to a bar or to dinner just say so. I'm annoyed. I'd waited downtown all day at his request only to have him keep me hanging in until 6pm for the money. Then he drops the need to leave and his desire for a ride to the North Shore on my way home once we're at the bar. It's just fucking rude and had I known I wouldn't have bothered with a beer.

"Really? So what? I'm your driver now am I Miss Daisy?" I smile but there's bite in my tone and words.

He shakes his head.

"No" he says it slowly and I know he's pissed off.

"Well it feels like it" I shrug.

We stand in the middle of the room arguing and I watch as he looks around him to see who's looking at us.

"I just thought you were going that way..."

"I wasn't until you told me that's what we were doing" I say matter of fact.

"I didn't tell you anything. I'm pretty sure I asked for a ride. Forget it."

He turns towards the door.

"I think we should just go."

"Why? I thought we were having a beer?"

You could never call him on anything.

"Even though we're not seeing each other or dating I can't believe that with all the arguing I still want to be around you. No girlfriend that was ever like you are would still be in my life. I mean, some of the conversations you try to have are not normal, you really should know better Marley."

"Does that mean you like me?" I grab his sleeve and tug gently, smiling playfully hoping he'll say yes.

He pulls away annoyed. He's not playing.

"And you're so much pressure! You're on me from the minute I get in the car until I say goodbye."

Ouch! Rich words from a guy who used everyone he came into contact with and then just took the high road when they called him on it. He didn't give me much. He didn't have much to give. Maybe that's why I'm pressure? Because I remind him that he doesn't have much to give to someone like me. He isn't obviously smarter or funnier or wittier or better at much, and that isn't normal for him. I raise my eyebrows and stare at him for a long time.

"Maybe I'm antagonistic towards you because I'm not happy in your presence?"

"Well if that's the case then we probably shouldn't hang out" he stares at me.

Or you could try harder to be kinder and more interested in me?

I turn towards the front door. I'm hurt and angry. I can feel the tears forming in the corners of my eyes.

"I'll give you a ride if you want?" I say quietly.

"Nah I'm good. I'll get the Seabus. I'll just see you later."

He stands there and I stare at him some more. He wants that beer. I walk out without saying anything else.

Valentine's Day! So far I've got nothing but a hangover from overdoing a home drinking session but I wasn't expecting anything either. I walk Jasper along a trail behind the local convenience store and some houses. It's 7.14am and we're out early. I've had a few sleepless nights this week and we've taken our morning walk in the dark most days. At the end of the park an RCMP car slowly passes by me. I'm high and it's early but I'm not worried. I'm interested in why he's around and what he wants though? He sits in his car looking around. Jasper and I walk past him heading home and soon after I hear his car creeping up behind us.

"Jasper this side" I pat my leg.

I point to the gutter and we jump to the side of the road. The RCMP dude sidles on up beside us and puts the car in park.

"Hi" I bend down to talk through the passenger window.

I don't get close enough that he can smell the weed on my breath but I lean down to window height.

"Good Morning. Do you walk along here much at this time?" he asks sternly.

"I'm lucky if we take this trail once a week" I lie.

I look down at Jasper as if he will back up my story.

"You didn't see anyone suspicious on the trail did you?"

Suspicious? I wonder if I'm the suspicious one? I just smoked a joint. What if I'm the one someone called him about?

"No. Just the lady with the Dalmatian without spots! I don't know about you but I find that a little suspicious."

The officer laughs and I smile.

"I see her every time I walk this way though so she may be the person to talk to. She's about five minutes ahead of me doing a loop so you might catch her down Valley Drive before the turnoff into the woods. "

"Ok. Thanks" he has a heavy French-Canadian accent and momentarily I'm tempted to surprise him with a little French conversation. I can't help myself. I like to show off. But I snap out of it remembering my life and the need to be anonymous, especially to these guys.

"You're welcome."

Watching him pull away he drives slowly towards my house at the end of the street, where I have over 220 marijuana plants growing. The way I smoke weed freely and I'm not discreet about smoking outside where others can see or smell, it'd be my own fault if I watched ol' Frenchie pull up right outside my house with his search warrant. I hold my breath as his brake lights go on. He's slowing, he's slowing and he stops. The intersection is only just beyond my house so I can't be sure but it looks like he's pulled up to the line. I'm only relieved when the cruiser's turn signal goes on and I see him turn right towards town. With the idea of a possible prison term fresh in my head, I play tug of war with the dog on the front lawn for ten minutes so that the neighbours see the fun loving woman and her dog that moved into that recently sold house.

I head out to meet up with Travis hoping he'll have the rest of my money. He and Darren are having a meeting at the Two Parrots pub on Granville Street and he suggested I join them. Safety in numbers I'm guessing is his thought. I'm almost in town when I realize I haven't heard from Jess in a while. I dial her number but it goes to message.

"Hi Jess its Marley. Just checking in. Want to make sure you're okay and PIL is taking care of you. Message me back sometime to say you're still floating on the surface okay? Hang tough babe. By the way I'm in town if you're around and want to catch up? Bye."

When I walk into the Two Parrots the noise from the karaoke machine hits me hard. It's loud and people with all sorts of dreams of stardom are hoping to get up and sing their hearts out to their friends and a bunch of strangers. The Asian guy belting out White Wedding thinks he's a good singer but he's not doing Billy Idol any favours. Travis nods at me as I sit down next to Darren.

"Hi."

"Hey how's it going?" I look at Darren.

"Good Marley. Hey I'll get the server" Darren grins at me like he knows something and looks over his shoulder.

I stare at Travis smiling. He takes a big gulp of his tap beer. My stomach turns just thinking about the taste.

"Any chance the rest of that gear has been sorted?" I ask him trying to be sly about wanting my money in front of Darren.

"No" Travis shakes his head looking down.

Great! What was I doing here then? The reception was frosty and yet Travis called me? After Darren finishes ordering a round I turn to him.

"How's things at The Barn? How's Sean?"

"That moron? He's fine. Still trouble to himself and everyone around him."

It occurs to me that Katrina's accusations might be why Travis is meeting Darren downtown.

"How's everything with his daughter?" I ask Darren.

Travis shoots me a look and I know he's not happy.

"Yeah she's good. He's been seeing more of his ex too."

"Cool" I nod knowing better than to drag this reluctant conversation out.

"So like I was sayin' next year we have to get the plants out there earlier. None of this walkie talkie in the bush for three days get in a car accident shit. Out in the darkness. Lay the plants out, water 'em and back by darkness," Darren says confidently.

Travis laughs.

"Holy shit man you got it all figured out. We still don't even know our punishment for last season's disaster."

Travis is uninterested in Darren's ideas for 'maximum profitability' as Darren keeps repeating, but he entertains him so as not to piss him off. I watch with absolute fascination as a couple of young guys do a thrash thing that doesn't make much sense of but I'm sure they're doing some punk band proud.

"Hey are you getting up Darren?"

I knew Travis never would. He was too insecure.

"Nah. That's not my thing. I only like to punish my friends with backyard gigs."

I laugh.

"Not even a duet with me?"

"You and me. Sonny and Cher eh Marley?" he grins at me like I'm interested in him.

"Nah I was just kidding, it's not for me either. You never sound as good to others as you do in your own head."

Travis looks around for the server. I'm happy to drink my pint and go. I've got things to do. It feels weird with Darren here, like Travis isn't being himself.

"I heard you did alright recently out of your crop. How's that going?"

I look at Travis but he wont look at me. Why does Darren know my business?

"Yeah we did okay" I nod slowly.

Travis still won't look at me so I drink my beer. I'm getting hot. Flustered. And soon he'll be right. I'll be pressure and difficult and argumentative and annoyingly dramatic. I'll be me. Scorned me. Angry me. Why was I here?

Two very young guys sitting at the table next to us are sharing a pitcher of beer and have been drinking heavily since I arrived. The one with the blonde hair pushes his chair back, opens his legs and his mouth and pukes all over the floor beside me. I jump back laughing out loud and the guy sitting with sick boy and Travis and Darren all look at me. Come on, it's funny! Humour and what constitutes it is subjective. Sure you don't laugh at someone else's misfortune but I thought it was okay to laugh when it was self-induced?

I look down at the floor and think of the poor sucker who has to clean it up. Sick boy's in no condition to do it resting his head on the table, napkin stuck to the side of his mouth. He's shaking and still dry heaving. His mate drinks more beer ignoring him. The smell wafts over signaling it's time for me to go. This is a shitty bar and I'm having an average time. I have no desire to sing and I stand up quickly and wave at Travis and Darren.

"I'm gunna go. Bye."

Travis looks confused but I'm not. I smile. For the first time in ages I leave his company by choice. I head out into the daylight and take a deep breath. I'm in charge. I'm not going to allow myself to be led because I feel helpless anymore. If I'm not happy I shouldn't keep repeating the behaviour.

I have to change my US dollars to Canadian and I forgot to ask Travis where he goes to change currency. I try the Royal Bank on Georgia Street first because I bank with them but their rate is average and they still want a lot of ID. I don't need these funds to be recorded on paper as being mine so I walk around the corner to Robson Street hoping to find a smaller Asian run currency exchange where they might not charge too much to change it. The first Currency Exchange is going to charge one percent or five dollars, whichever is higher. I walk further down Robson Street to the place where we used to get our weed photo's developed. It's a luggage store come currency exchange come photo-developing place, right underneath my favourite Japanese restaurant. The lady behind the glass is a middle-aged Asian and has obviously decided to dispense with the common courtesies others like to engage in. She's all business.

"I can take US$7500 with BC Identification."

"How much without ID?"

"US$2500."

She looks at her perfectly manicured claw-like nails.

"Okay."

She takes the US cash from me and places it in the reader. The weight is calculated and the cash fanned by the machine and she gives me my Canadian equivalent. I don't know who she is and no one knows who I am. Money laundered and returned to me in a currency I can use to pay bills. I walk out the front doors and breathe a sigh of relief. I think about a celebratory Japanese dinner for one while I'm in Vancouver but I'm too tense to enjoy a meal out. I want to get home to Jasper and relax.

The traffic going back across the Lion's Gate Bridge isn't too bad and I spark a joint as I pull off Taylor Way and hit the highway, cold air whipping my hair around my face. I have my down jacket and gloves on and CDN$4,000 in my lap. I'm happy. There's nothing like the feeling of freedom that money brings. My head's a little higher and my shoulder blades have shifted back to their resting position. This money will cover some rent for the next few months to enable me to make some more money and it will pay some bills. And before I know it it'll all be gone and I'll be stressed again. Shaking my head I check myself in the mirror and turn the music up. I'm going to buy a new pair of shoes. I saw a cute pair of pink flip-flops in American Eagle that I want. It's still too cold for flip-flops but I need a treat and they wont take too big of a chunk out of the money.

I'm trapped, I'm drunk, I'm not having a good time and I can't leave. Looking at the ugly blue plastic IKEA clock on the wall it's already after 10pm and I sigh loudly. By the time I sober up enough to be able to drive it'll be the wee hours of the morning and unfortunately driving for an hour, at that hour, with next to no sleep is only for a much younger version of me. I could get a cab, but it'll cost me a small fortune and PIL won't understand. And now that I'm this far in, it's difficult to know whether to stop drinking or to open the second bottle of red wine? I really want another drink but it's hard to be a piss head around someone sober.

I lie stretched out on the couch in PIL's pajamas because I'm in no state to drive and it's assumed I'm staying. We're watching Dave Chapelle on the Comedy channel because PIL always watches the Comedy channel and we can talk through it and not lose track of what's happening.

"Hey so what's really going on with this no drinking thing?" I blurt out of nowhere.

"Hmmm what?"

PIL wipes her face with her hand as if she just walked into a spider web. She's blocking her face so I can't see any emotional response to my question.

"It's not like you not to have a drink with me PIL."

"I know. I just haven't been feeling very good lately."

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know. I'm tired. And I've been feeling..." she searches for the right word, "Oh I don't know. I'm just not feeling myself."

"That's not good. Are you going to see a doctor?"

"No" she's firm.

I sit up straight and she looks at me indecisively. I wait her out with silence and add a look of confusion so that she feels she has something to answer.

"Ummm... well... I think I know what it is."

Oh shit! She's found a lump. She's got cancer. I need to open that wine now.

"What's up PIL?" my voice croaks mid-sentence.

"I've been taking Effedra," she says quietly.

"What? Why?"

She shrugs and stays silent.

"I heard that stuff's not good for you. What are you taking it for?"

I'm shocked and I make my way to †he bottle of wine and opener in the kitchenette. I have new energy.

"I'll be fine Marley. I've been using it for ages. There was a time when I got some kidney aches but I think I've got the dosage right now."

"What?" I'm confused, "Kidney aches? How long have you been using it?"

"About six months."

"Phillipa! Six months! Oh my god. Are you kidding?"

"Marley!" she mimics my tone, "Seriously. It's okay."

"Are you in pain right now?"

She laughs.

"Relax o dramatic one! It's not that bad."

"Seriously. Why aren't you drinking?"

"Because I don't want to overload my kidneys."

"Well already that sounds risky if you can't even have a glass of wine. Do you honestly think it's helping you?"

"Uh huh" she nods looking at the TV deliberately avoiding eye contact.

"Really? More than it's hurting you?"

"I'm looking good aren't I?"

"Yes but I like you however you are..." I'm tired and drunk so I'm rambling.

She smiles at me.

"I mean I'm worried about you. You look good but if it's fucking with your kidneys I can't see..." I trail off again.

PIL exhales slowly.

"Marley, I'm fine. Honestly. I'm being good about not drinking. And I feel lighter. So it's helping me to eat better too!" her voice is cheerful.

"But you don't need to lose weight PIL?"

"Huh! I do so."

"Since when? You're perfect."

"Thanks Marley but I have a few rolls of back fat that I'd like to get rid of and a friend at the studio used it and she's fine. And she looks great!"

"Who?"

I sit back down on the couch and stretch my legs out.

"Annaliese."

"Oh that's not fair. She was a skinny bitch to begin with. What the hell does she need to lose weight for?"

"She broke her ankle end of last summer. You haven't seen her for a while Marley. She just sat and ate while she recovered and she used Effedra to get rid of the unwanted blubber."

"Annaliese and blubber don't belong in the same sentence."

I shake my head. What happened to exercise? I wasn't in reasonable shape because I sat around smoking dope and watching the Comedy channel. I hiked all the time.

"Well you know your body PIL."

She's a dancer for Christ's sake! Although I'd noticed recently that she wasn't taking as good a care of herself as she once did.

"What other effects can you feel? Does it make your heart race?"

"Sometimes. I fainted once" she nods.

"Jeepers! So what's it supposed to do? Speed up your metabolism or something?"

"Yep."

"But while it does that your heart beats so fast you feel faint?"

"You only feel faint if you try to get up or do anything."

"Oh!" I laugh heartily "So exercise is out of the question then?"

"Sort of" PIL shrugs.

"How do you feel right now?"

"I feel very normal actually. Not too excitable" PIL smiles.

I notice that she's had her arms folded across her body since I arrived. One arm is across her stomach and the other across her chest. It looks as if she's protecting something or at the very least blocking people from getting close to her. Like she's hiding.

"So you promise me that you're okay PIL? Because I don't want to be worrying about you AND Jess."

"Marley I'm fine. Really. I'm just being careful by not drinking."

I nod. I think she's stupid but I have to let it go.

"Speaking of the old girl when did you talk to Jess last?"

"Uh I can't remember. Maybe three days ago? I think it was Tuesday night, so I guess technically it was four days ago."

"How was she? I can't get her on the phone."

"She's good. James is working hard to get back in but I think she'll stay strong. I reminded her that men don't change."

"Exactly. I worry that she'll be lonely and turn to him because he wants her right now. But we both know that's short-lived because the aphrodisiac for him is in the fact that she doesn't want anything to do with him."

"Exactly!" PIL agrees.

"He likes control. And he doesn't like to lose."

"Can't tell Jess anything though. She'll decide no matter what we say" PIL shakes her head.

"I wonder why she hasn't called me back?"

"Oh that'll be because she's in New Orleans."

"What? Since when? Why didn't you tell me?"

Why didn't I know about this?

"Oh sorry I just remembered. Ummm... Wednesday. She jumped a plane with a friend and they went on a little holiday together. It was very last minute."

"A girlfriend?"

"No."

"What? Really? Isn't it too soon?"

"Nope. I don't think so. Not when you have been so focused on that imagined life with that one guy. She needs to get back on the horse and remember how normal men treat their women. James never took her anywhere."

"That's true. Good for her! I was worried she'd necked herself and here she is having margaritas with some guy down south in Jazz Town. When is she back?"

"Ummm... three more days?"

"Have you heard from her? You know how she loves her technology."

PIL shakes her head grinning and sipping from the water bottle that she has carried with her all night, even when she went to the toilet. I'm beginning to wonder what's in it?

"No. I told her to not use her phone unless she was in trouble."

"Good luck with that. She wouldn't have stopped using it yet."

"No. I dared her. And I bet her."

"Ah appealing to her competitive nature" I nod.

"How much?"

"I told her she couldn't stay off her phone for the entire time she's away and of course she protested as I knew she would. And once she had protested I could propose the bet."

"Did she buy into it?"

"Yep."

"Okay so how much?"

"$300 each. She says she can stay off the phone the entire time she's away. I say she can't and we both laid down $300. The bet is in place."

"That'll explain why I haven't heard from her. There's money at stake."

"That's right and hopefully she will allow herself to enjoy the trip. You've seen her at Thursday Coffee. Nose almost pressed against the screen looking at photos and websites etc. You can't make a baby with the Pier One website, or the store for that matter!"

I laugh.

"Our girl's back on the horse!" PIL cries out dramatically with a smile.

She's talking animatedly. It's a glimpse of her normal self.

"Who's the guy?"

"I dunno. She was very coy when she mentioned going away. I mean... quiet even?"

"PIL we're talking about Jess here. Quiet? I don't think so. Geez you and these combinations! Annaliese and blubber? Jess and quiet? What'choo smokin'?"

"I know. That's why I said it. She was different."

"And no idea who the guy is? Where they met?"

"He's a friend of Kym's from baseball, I think? Jess was vague about the details. I honestly don't think we'd even know she'd gone away this time Marley unless she needed me to collect the mail."

PIL's right. There are some things we do without telling each other to protect ourselves. Particularly if we're unsure as to how things will pan out or if we know ahead of time that we wont get someone's approval.

"Ohhhhh that's good. A friend who knows the guy first helps to weed out the losers. And Kym's no dummy. She wouldn't let Jess spend time with a jerk."

"That's what I thought. And Jess actually seemed excited about going."

"Was she doing that golf clapping thing in front of her face that she does? As if she's trying to say 'goodie!'" I mimic Jess.

PIL laughs hysterically before I even finish my sentence. She knows what I'm talking about.

"No." she's gasping for air having been laughing so hard, "no, there was no clapping. But she did that thing where her voice fluctuates when she talks when she's feeling good."

I laugh as I think about it.

"Oh yeah, that high pitched up and down. That can be very animated too."

"Yes her arms were rather controlled now that I think about it. But she was trying to downplay the whole trip."

PIL sips from her water bottle and I pour myself another glass of red.

"So what about James? He's been sniffing around. Does he know?" my eyes are wide.

"I doubt it. He's been relentless in pursuing her but I wouldn't think Jess would be telling him anything at this stage. She's still pretty angry."

"Good. I'd hate for him to sucker her in again."

"The last time we spoke about James, I got the feeling that ship had sailed and she didn't want to be on it. But as we know, with Jess in particular, the winds can change in a heartbeat and throw everything off course."

"Though James is more like a big speedboat loaded with cocaine shooting for Florida from Columbia. He isn't about to be turned away. He's like a missile on a mission. Forget the winds."

PIL laughs and snorts. I laugh at her snort.

"I can't wait to hear all of the gossip about this little adventure. The story will be even better if James has heard about her little jaunt first!"

Global Morning News is reporting that British Columbia has the highest number of drug related crimes in Canada. The worst city statistically is Thunder Bay with Vancouver and then Victoria in second and third making BC the worst province for it. Marijuana and Crystal Meth are being touted as the problem drugs. Footage of Ken Peterson from the National Drug Enforcement Agency saying that there are more people and therefore more drugs being shipped here hardly seemed newsworthy. I guess they had no story other than the obvious. This is what we've come to. People in this province are numbed to the drug problems because the stories plague the news everyday. It's a rare day that a drug bust is not mentioned in one of the newspapers or on television.

I picked up a copy of The National Post at Starbucks and in it there's a lengthy article about The Criminal Intelligence Service of Canada reporting that biker and Vietnamese gangs control eighty-five percent of the marijuana production and distribution. They also claimed it was hard to prove this through the court system because most of those appearing on charges are just caretakers of crops with no real knowledge of those in control.

There's a hydroponic grow store popping up on almost every corner downtown and they advertise heavily in the community, indicating there's no lack of funds. The hydro store that can afford to advertise on the radio has a jingle about chemicals. It says something along the lines of "Buy the General, for the largest yield." They don't say what the largest yield is, but these chemicals are only for the enhancement of plant growth and there just aren't that many people growing tomatoes indoors. Based on the amount of hydroponics grow stores per capita though, you'd think that there was. Travis and I laugh together about what a joke this Province is. As long as they're collecting your tax dollars on everything you do then you can pretty much do whatever you like.

Travis took my half-pound of weed to another guy close to two weeks ago and I'm yet to see the reward. I'm expecting $1000 but who knows. There were dealers who only moved large amounts of dope and wouldn't buy anything less than ten pounds at a time. This guy was small time and would move my leftovers in baggies to his regulars. I could've sold it the same way myself and made much more money than I was selling per pound. I just didn't want the hassle. Besides I'd have to rustle up some small time dealers too and I didn't want to deal with those guys. It was hard dealing with stupid people because you never knew which one would bring the cops. You also had to have the contacts and once you made those, lots of people knew you were 'in the business.'

The Vancouver Sun says that the town of Chilliwacks' local council is proposing it be illegal to run a meth lab or grow operation in any residential property, so that if caught in that community the criminal would receive a harsher penalty. Good for them. The drug business is at epidemic proportions and if anything this might just stop the next guy from starting up.

The Board of Directors of the British Columbia Real Estate Association has decided to amend the Property Disclosure Statement, requiring sellers to disclose whether their property was used for illegal drug making purposes. The Squamish Chief newspaper reports that Squamish Realtors have always chosen to disclose if the property was used as a grow operation or drug making facility. The Manager of a local realty company was quoted as saying 'We haven't had a high incidence of problems in Squamish.' What? I laugh out loud. It's a mill town for Christ's sake. The realtor has lived in Squamish for over ten years and is either unaware of the situation or trying to sound like things are great because it's in print. Just because all of the houses aren't left in a mess, doesn't mean they weren't used as grow operations. A house down the road about sixty feet away was busted a couple of months ago with a lone guy occupant running a hydro set-up inside. A neighbour eighty feet in the other direction whose property backs onto the dike has his large outdoor plants out in the open in the backyard for anyone to see. And when I was looking for a new place to rent I'd walked into three houses that I could identify were used to grow dope at some point. And then there's the rumoured three-cop team allocated to police grow operations in this town alone? And how could the need for a disclosure statement arise without the problem not existing in larger proportions? I guess from a realtor's perspective Squamish is some type of safe haven from all that horrible drug association.

MARCH

I wake panting, sweating and mumbling. It's as if I've been slapped and it takes me a minute to work out where I am because I'm having trouble differentiating between what's happening in my head and reality. I'm obviously anxious. In my dream I was trying to hit 411 on the cell phone for directory assistance but instead hit 911. Realizing my mistake and before I could think clearly I panicked and hung up. Worried that the call had connected to the RCMP and that they were on their way to the house having traced my location through my phone because it was a hang up, I woke up physically reacting to the fear that I was about to be discovered and go to jail. I breathe out deeply and sit up in bed thinking about all of the risks I'm taking with my freedom.

By the time I get to the gym I've already forgotten about my dream. I don't notice Myles car in the parking lot but he's already working out as I wander in and he sees me in the mirror. I smile. We haven't caught up since the last dinner and I think he knows I'm not keen in the same way he is. I feel neglectful and guilty for not wanting the same things.

"Hey! Looking good Myles."

He's doing bicep curls and looks up at me in the mirror again as I approach his bench.

"Hey Marley."

He smiles warmly and I wonder if I'm making a mistake blowing him off so quickly? He looks good muscles all pumped up and a light sheen of sweat on his face. Or can I smell it? The testosterone. His manliness. He gets up and we share an awkward sweaty hug.

"Sorry," he says trying to wipe the sweat off the side of my face but actually making it worse.

"How are you?"

I laugh stepping back a half step wiping my face.

"I'm good. Wet you know but good. And you?"

"Good. Good. Busy, but good."

"Nice! Well I better get running before I chicken out. I'll talk to you after if that's okay?"

I put one of my earphones in. He doesn't say anything.

"Okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah sure Marley" he smiles.

He turns back to the free weights and I walk to the treadmill. I have way too much on my mind. I can't focus. Oh god he looks good! Why am I attracted? I shouldn't have smoked the half joint in the ashtray. I'm parched and hungry. Lightheaded too. I don't want to run today but Myles is here and I can't just leave. It's been a week since we've had a decent conversation and today was the day we would.

I walk on the treadmill imagining what my ass looks like from behind and taking the occasional glance over my shoulder to see if Myles is looking. I try to make it seem like I'm just flicking my hair. I look quickly. He isn't looking. I'm deflated. I look again in case he saw me look. He's still not looking. I know it's wrong to lead someone on but I'm already missing the attention. Seeing him made working out a part of the day I looked forward to. It kept things interesting. And Myles was one of only two guys I'd dated who ever worked out with me.

I hear myself puffing heavily and I pretend to stretch my neck turning the treadmill down as I do. Slowing my walking pace to a stroll as if I am going to get off the treadmill I look behind me. He's gone. My neck jerks around more quickly searching the room. I step on the sides of the treadmill and turn it off. I look forward out the window down to the car park. Huh? Myles car is gone. How didn't I notice him driving away? I turn the machine off, grab my bag quickly from the lockers and jump in the car. I'm cold and bummed and head to Starbucks. I need a boost. A treat. I wanted to have that conversation today.

I check my phone. Travis called while I was at the gym and he left a message.

"Hey Marley I've got the rest of that money for you. Call me so you can come and get it."

Finally! I wonder how much he'll hand me this time and what the excuses will be? I forget about Myles now there's money to be claimed. I call Travis back while I know he's around. It might look like I'm screening callers but I know better than to wait with Travis. He has a hard time holding money and he's almost always out of contact for days on end. If I call straight back in theory he has to answer. If I wait I'm at his mercy, again.

"Hello?"

"Hey Travis."

"Oh Marley hey listen I'm running to a meeting. Can I call you later?"

"No. Well yes, but listen I'll drive down now and meet you in an hour or whenever you're free okay?"

"That might work. I have that meeting though so if I go into it then you'll have to wait until later tonight though."

"Sure that's fine."

It wasn't but what choice did I have? In the drug game you were always reminded that your livelihood was at the mercy of another.

"I'll see you before you go in hopefully. What time's your meeting?"

"About an hour and a half from now."

"Okay. See you soon. I'll call you when I get to Georgia Street."

"Good. Done."

I meet Travis downtown just over an hour later. I pull over on Burrard Street down by the sails at Canada Place and he jumps in. He hands me the money and I count it quickly. It's the full $1000.

"Did you take your cut?"

"No."

"What do I owe you on the half?"

"$50."

I throw a $50 note at him. I always feel like I'm being screwed over.

"Thanks."

"Yeah thanks to you we can eat again!" I smile.

He laughs.

"You want me to drop you somewhere?"

"Nah here's good. I can walk."

Travis reaches for the door handle.

"We'll have to grab a drink soon Marley."

He grabs my knee and squeezes it. I smile.

"Yeah that sounds good."

With that he's out of the car and as I watch him walk away I don't feel anything. I'm not sad or happy. I'm numb. He's boring. Hiding in the shadows. Barely surviving. Giving nothing useful back to the world and yet he could. That's what originally made him so interesting. What makes him boring is that he wont.

At Starbucks I read "Girl smuggles pot to U.S. on school bus" on the cover of the Province newspaper. I sip my hot chocolate skimming the article. Teenage kids from Point Roberts in the US have to pass through the Canadian Border on their school bus to get to their school in Blaine, Washington State. One girl had over three and a half kilos of BC Bud in her backpack and when questioned said that she had moved pot twice before and been paid $300 for her efforts. They're referred to as 'teenage mules' and in this money driven society it's not likely to stop any time soon. Money is status. Always has been, always will be. And the easiest way to get it seems most widely preferred. Kids don't understand ramifications to actions so they'll take much greater risks for reward not aware that the damage to their lives could be long-term. Drug dealers don't care about that. They only want to get the drugs across the border and make the big bucks. I'd hate to think I was contributing to the corruption of minors but it was a reality.

The sun is shining through the windows of the Marine Drive Starbucks and I'm warm and happy in my armchair. The Spring weather has me feeling positive about my future.

"I've been lost and lonely since Justin and I broke up and..."

Oh here we go. PIL is about to have a meltdown. Water. Towels. Can we get some supplies and help over here please? I think we should call in the mental health unit this time.

"I think I need a holiday!"

My shoulders drop. I'm relieved. No tears.

"I know the last holiday I took did me the world of good. Really cleaned the gunk out of my pipes, so to speak" Jess smiles and winks at PIL.

I block my ears with my hands.

"Eww. We don't need to hear about it."

"What Marley? So I had a good time. Can't a girl tell about a good time she's had?"

Jess's grinning and I can't remember when I've seen her so happy. PIL sighs.

"Sorry PIL so where are you going to go?" Jess shines the light back on PIL.

"I want to rediscover myself. I want understand my place in the world. You know, find my destiny?"

"Mmmm..." I nod and try to sound encouraging.

I think she's running away from feeling miserable. Some days were good. Some were bad. Unfortunately she had just been having a gloomy winter.

"You don't think I should Marley?"

"What? Oh yes definitely! I think you should go traveling. How else will you meet your Prince Charming?" I wink.

"I think it'll be good for me" she smiles happier.

"Do you have a passport?" Jess is ever practical in the planning department.

"And how's your health?" I say quietly knowing she wouldn't want Jess to know about the Effedra.

"Passport yes" she nods to Jess and turns to me, "And good Marley. I feel great actually."

PIL needed a getaway, a break. Holing up watching TV for hours a day and popping drugs that make you feel sick to keep your appetite down was not a good way to live. I should know.

"Oh PIL you have to talk to Javier. He's my travel agent. We go for drinks sometimes, he and I. He's wonderful. We'll just tell him to watch out for great deals based on where you want to go. Do you know where you want to go?" Jess is enthusiastic.

"No. Not yet" PIL shakes her head, "I have a few images in my head of white sandy beaches and palm trees but I think I need to spend some time in India or Tibet or somewhere. Somewhere I'll experience culture shock. It sounds so cool. Culture Shock!"

"I love Japan!" I announce.

I do. I love the people and the design of all the little spaces. Restaurants, rooms, houses, parks, cemeteries, even the way they hang some of their fuel pumps from the roof. Everything is compact and orderly and I feel safe there. As a single woman traveling I never worried in Japan, no matter the time of day and no matter if I was lost.

"Oh Japan sounds cool but they're much more westernized than I'd hoped, you know, it's my first time off the blocks."

"Well then Tibet and monks might be more your style?"

PIL nods enthusiastically, her eyes wide.

"There are so many choices. I'll have to get started researching and planning."

I'm envious of her freedom but I've still got bills to pay and way too many loose ends to tie up. I wish I didn't have debts and I wish PIL wasn't leaving but without a genie in a bottle, these wishes would never come true. Some friendships you think will go on forever, and they do to some extent. You look each other up if in the same town or keep in touch sporadically through email but other friendships and some relationships eventually just expire. I don't want to think that this is where PIL and my journey together will end. I look over and Jess is crying. Not surprisingly she's upset when she hears PIL's news. Jess needed all the support she could get right now and even though her sadness may have been initially selfish, like mine, hugs and kisses were in abundance.

"I'm going to miss you. We're going to miss you" Jess wipes her eyes.

I look at PIL and nod in agreement.

"I wont be gone forever. I just need to get a new perspective. You understand?"

"Thursday coffee wont be the same!" Jess cries some more.

"You guys are such dorks!" PIL smiles at both of us.

Her eyes glisten as she fights the emotion of the moment and she laughs when Jess blows her nose loudly. I look around at people looking at how silly we're being. It's unlike Jess to show emotion. She's changing. Maybe even evolving?

"Hey I have to get to work but I'll see you both tomorrow night?" Jess looks at her watch.

"Yep. Carderos. I'll be there" I nod.

PIL nods.

"Okay good. I'll get onto Javier and we will talk more tomorrow" Jess grabs her briefcase and is gone.

I sense a separation into new worlds is upon us. And I can see Jess does too. For the first time in a long time when she looks me in the eye she looks lost. I can't imagine where things will go from here and I don't want to think about it. These girls are my West Coast family and I hate the idea of losing either one of them. I'd never thought they wouldn't be around all of the time.

Jess looks frazzled as she enters Cardero's. I'm hoping it's only because she's late and that she's not bringing drama. God forbid Kathy is following somewhere behind her! I look past her worried. It is Friday night, the night Kathy was most likely to join us. My eyes dart around to anyone talking loudly. Nope. No old lady desperately clinging to her youth anywhere. I look again in case I blinked the last time I looked. No. No one. The server brings Jess a glass and PIL pours her some wine. Jess fans her face with her napkin and I notice PIL is already drinking wine. That's got to be a good sign. Or does it mean that she's totally lost grip and is now on the 'drug and drink' weight loss program?

"I have something to say!" Jess announces settling her bum back into her chair.

I knew it. Here comes the drama.

"What's up? You okay?"" PIL stuffs wasabi peas into her mouth.

I sit back as some food sprays out of her mouth. Well her appetite's back.

"Sorry Marley. I think some hit your face."

She's pointing and picking her teeth with the other hand.

"I know. I felt it. I got it. Thanks though."

I'm trying to laugh it off but you'd be blind not to see I'm cranky. I wipe my cheek and stare at Jess waiting to hear her big statement.

"Well, I've got news..." she pauses.

"What is it?" my pitch rises.

I sit forward in my chair. Jess stalls purposely.

"Yeah what's going on?"

"I'm having a baby!" and she follows that with a golf clap under her chin.

What did she say? I look at PIL as though I need a translator.

"Shut up!" I tilt my head unsure.

"Yup!"

"Really?" I grin.

"Oh my god!" PIL's mouth drops open, "When? How the fu... I mean Congratulations!"

"Yes, yes congratulations!" I shriek and jump up to hug her.

"Wait. Who's the baby daddy? Do we need to get Maury Povitch involved?"

"No! He's lovely Marley. You'll like him. You'll be surprised."

I raise my eyebrows at PIL and turn back to Jess smiling.

"What do they call this mysterious one? The man of New Orleans?"

Jess laughs.

"Yes it's him. His name is Josh."

"Are you kidding?"

"No."

"You were Jess and James and now you're Jess and Josh!"

"Very funny Marley."

"Sorry I am very happy for you. Come here and give me a big hug."

I nearly pull her off her chair. She holds the hug longer than she ever has before. It's nice.

"So how does Josh feel about the news?" PIL jumps in.

"He's excited. We just seem to click. We want the same things. I think he'll be a great Daddy too."

"Well I know you'll be a great mom!" PIL adds performing Jess's golf clap for my benefit.

I laugh.

"Thanks PIL. We're barely pregnant but I'm sooooo excited I can't keep it a secret. I mean, it's written all over my face isn't it?" Jess beams.

I only hope that this guy treats her right. She was going to be connected to him for the rest of their lives once they had this child together.

"Well I guess you can't drink this!" PIL holds up Jess's glass of wine.

"No. I shouldn't. Sorry babe. I need a celebratory Perrier instead."

PIL pours Jess's wine into her own almost empty glass. It would have been better to pour what was left in her glass into Jess's wine glass and drink from it but apparently not all people think like I do.

"Don't be sorry. Really its no problem" she holds the wine glass up in a cheers motion "Just means more for me!"

PIL drinks half of it in one gulp and Jess calls the server over.

"Better slow down honey. I don't want you to get sick," I whisper to PIL.

She looks at me funny and Jess grabs hold of the servers arm.

"Sweetie. A Perrier please and can we get an appy platter for three?" she holds three fingers up.

"Oh nothing too spicy. She's expecting!" I add pointing at Jess.

The server looks at Jess and raises an eyebrow smiling. Jess beams back but looks embarrassed because she's fat and it's not because she's showing yet.

"So you must be excited PIL?" I pull the attention back to a happy place.

"Yeah I am. I really am. I'm going to miss you guys even more now that I know I'm going to be an Aunty."

And ping-pong the attention is back on Jess.

"I know. It's crazy!"

"It's awesome is what it is!" I say with false enthusiasm wishing it was me who was pregnant.

"We'll still be here for you PIL. Plus one of course!" Jess coos and rubs her belly.

"She's right, we never go anywhere PIL. We'll be right here when you bring Marco home" I nudge her grinning.

"Marco? Nah. Now Enrico, maybe?" PIL giggles.

"Ricardo" Jess announces rolling her r's.

"Manuel!" in my best Spanish accent and we laugh knowing it could go on all night.

"So what's the plan? Any further along?" Jess asks guzzling water.

"Yes. I want to take my time. I'm thinking about working some of the trip. You know maybe building houses in Costa Rica? I've been looking into Kibbutz too."

"I called Javier and he said he'll start looking at deals and for you to give him a ca..."

Smash! There's a loud crash of plates banging together and we all look up. The whole place stops talking and everyone looks up. Some guy has tripped or knocked into a server and plates of food have gone all over him and the floor. Several patrons jump up to help and the server helps him to get back on his feet. He appears to be undamaged other than his suit being a little worse for wear although it looks like he's already been drinking. Jess winks and smiles at David the security guy she knows intimately as he heads over from his position at the front door. PIL puts her empty wine glass down firmly on the table re-establishing her command of our attention.

"So I'm going to take a rail tour of Europe and meet an old school friend in England in June. Then we plan to take an African Safari for three weeks, back to England where she has a job lined up for me, she's a window dresser at Harrods, save some money and then I want to spend the winter in Austria or Italy. Maybe try to find a nanny job? Or a resort job? That's as far as I've gotten."

She pours herself more wine as the server brings the appy plate.

"Whew!" I wipe my brow flicking pretend sweat onto the floor just as the server hands Jess her drink.

"Sounds phenomenal" Jess says, " Hey listen Kathy has some contacts in England and Germany. You should talk to her."

I raise an eyebrow at PIL as Jess slurps down half her Perrier.

"Yeah that sounds like a great idea" she winks back at me smiling.

"So where does house building in Costa Rica and Kibbutz come in then?" I ask gently.

"Oh they'd be next summer. I've just been trying to work out how to travel and work to make sure I don't come home too quickly."

"Mmmm" I nod "good idea!"

"Say where are things with James Jess?" PIL says out of the blue.

Jess looks up startled.

"He knows. I've told him I've moved on. I think he gets it?" she shrugs "I'm just hoping he'll stop calling me."

"James knows you're pregnant?" PIL gasps.

"NO! Are you mad PIL? No. He knows about Josh!" Jess chuckles.

"How's Josh about that?" I venture.

The poor guy had only been on the scene a minute and already he'd to deal with her baggage and now they were having a baby too.

"Oh he's fine. He just hates when I'm upset by it all. I'm sure James will go away eventually and Josh knows he's got me. I mean he's pretty confident I'm with him. And he's excited that we're having this baby" she rubs her tummy again.

"That's so hot!" PIL approves.

Jess blushes.

"Yeah it's nice."

"Bitch," I mutter smiling.

"Oh Marley your turn will come. You just have to stop dating loser bad boys who fuck you around and bleed you dry."

"Can you find me one?"

Jess rolls her eyes at me.

"I've introduced you to plenty of nice guys. God what about Aaron? He's had a thing for you since we met him, what's that, like four years ago?"

"Oh bullshit!"

"He has too," PIL gasps at my lie, pointing at me "You know it Marley."

"Yeah" I laugh at being caught out, "but he wears brown shoes with a black belt."

"You are so picky!" PIL shakes her head.

"Yeah Marley. You are picky. Aaron is nice and he's husband material. Isn't that what you want?" Jess tilts her head at me like Jasper does when he's trying to understand my human codes.

I smile sipping my wine.

"Hey why don't you move to the city? Evan's out of your life and you must've hiked every trail up there by now. You need to get a real life sista! You know, before Aaron's scooped up."

I shift in my seat and tug at the back of my bra. It's an uncomfortable one that works with my wrap dress and doesn't allow for spillage. I hate breast overflow only slightly more than I hate saggy bralessness.

"Yeah. You should move to Vancouver!" PIL grabs my arm and shakes it vigorously "Besides Jess'll need a nanny pretty soon. You know how she is with kids. She'll probably kill it if she doesn't have help."

Jess raises an eyebrow at PIL and turns to me excitedly.

"Yeah Marley you should move to the Westend!"

Upright golf clap! I smile at PIL as we both see it and then I shoot her a funny look because she knows I have a business to run. It isn't as simple as just packing up and moving.

"Maybe?"

I shift uncomfortably in my seat but I'm saved by the approaching server.

"Your table in the restaurant is ready."

"Oh okay, we haven't finished the appies?" I climb off my bar stool and stretch my legs.

"Yeah I want the potato skins!" Jess is saying to me.

I nod. I want them too. The server trays up our drinks to transfer them to the new table and Jess grabs the appy plate before she can help with it.

"It's alright doll. I got it" Jess pulls it away from her.

"So if I can get you to settle your tab with the bar and they will start a clean one for you in the restaurant..." she is looking at me.

I forgot the whole hand over and discharge themselves thing servers here do. I smile at her.

"Look I'll grab that check if you could just take these two old ladies to the table?

"Sure."

"Thanks."

I watch a tipsy PIL and pregnant Jess walk dutifully behind the server. There goes my posse. My gang. My chosen family. I settle the bill in the bar and I'm surprised to see the server still at our table by the time I get there.

"And there you go. Your new server will be with you shortly."

"Thank you" we sing in unison.

"What happened that she was hanging out so long? We spill something?"

"Yes!" they say in unison.

"Whoops!"

I dig into my bag for my camera and Jess winces when she sees it.

"Oh Marley no."

"Come on. You won't be this size for much longer. And who knows when we'll all be together again?"

"You're right but I still feel hideous."

The little hottie busser who flirted shamelessly with all three of us earlier brings our water and a new bottle of wine. Carderos is packed most nights but always on a Friday.

"Hey! Would you take a photo for us?"

We put our arms around each other and PIL is in the middle. Just as the busser takes the photograph she digs her fingernails into our sides. We look at the photo and PIL looks good but Jess and I have our mouths open. It's a Kodak moment!

"Oh Marley delete it pleeeeeeease. I look terrible" Jess grabs for the camera.

"You look fine. Who won the no phone on holiday bet anyway?"

"Jess!" PIL announces.

"Seriously? You won?" I look at Jess in disbelief.

She nods at me.

"She cheated!"

"I did not!"

Jess is defiant. She stares at PIL.

"I followed all of the rules."

"But you were too busy screwing to have time to use the phone."

"That's right! Nothing in the rules that says that's not allowed," Jess nods "I won fair and square."

"You'll have to write 'no sexing as a distraction' into the fine print for the next bet PIL!" I laugh.

All the chat about sex makes me think I need a fuck buddy. I have to start making new friends. The server stops by and we order our food. Food service is slow Friday nights.

"What about Travis? How's things Marl?" PIL asks once the server leaves.

I sit back in my seat.

"There's nothing happening. It's the old 'still attracted to the wrong guys' situation I like to get myself into."

"Don't be hard on yourself. You're complicated. Many layers," she chops at the air with her hand "The guy's obviously scared."

"You think?"

I look at PIL. I want to believe her but I know she's being nice. Jess sits back.

"I think you deserve better."

"I know."

I do. I know she's right. Travis had the potential to be so much more. He was just so stubborn. It was as if he had to suffer in this life. I didn't understand it? He was choosing the hardest path. The loneliest path.

"You need to be like me Marley, get rid of a loser to find a winner."

"I better get to baseball then!"

"That's where all the hotties are!" she winks laughing, "Uh-oh I need to go. Anyone coming with me?"

Jess stands up expectant that one of us will join her. I've never been one to go to the toilet with someone. I don't need to go and I don't want to have a conversation in there. PIL throws her hand in the air and jumps up.

"I will. I could pee."

As they walk away I look around the room. The people seem so connected to each other. Their conversations are intense and they're engrossed. I yearn for the calmness and closeness these people seem to share and I feel as though I'm failing. Failing at life. Failing to grow up. Failing to make myself happy.

The food arrives just as the giggling gaggle arrive back from the bathroom.

"That was quick tonight" PIL sits down heavily in the booth and starts picking from her plate before Jess even sits down.

My salmon is cooked to perfection and there's just enough sauce to make it sensational. I'm astounded at what chef's can do with a few simple ingredients.

"How's the lamb salad Jess?"

"To die for! What about your linguini PIL?"

PIL looks at Jess letting a long piece of pasta snake into her mouth, alfredo sauce flicking around her face.

"It's delicious."

"I'll ask the server for a bib" I look over my shoulder for the server.

"Why is there something on my face?"

When I look back at her she has linguini resting under her nose like a moustache.

"Oh no, I must be mistaken. You look fine."

I laugh as her moustache falls off her face hits the table.

"Oh my god what have you eaten? Your hairs falling out!"

PIL laughs.

"What about Myles Marley? You still pumping uglies with him?"

"Pumping uglies? It's been a while since I've heard that" I grin at Jess and shake my head at PIL.

"Stop avoiding the question. Are you still fucking?" Jess asks.

"Awe he's cute 'n' all. And you both know we've had a couple of goes at getting together but I think it would have been a 'thing' by now if it was going to be. I mean, I have a hard time getting serious about guys who are too nice, too clean cut, too perfect, too... I don't know... into me, you know?" I shrug.

"Why? Cos you worry about not meeting their standards?"

Jess and I had already had a conversation similar to this one so she had a little background to play with in her speech.

"Yes that's one reason I guess, but the bigger one is that I worry I'll be bored. I've been with Mr. Perfect-marriage-material-great-baby-daddy-of-the-future and I got bored. And believe me those babies would have been beautiful! But I know I need someone with a bit of excitement to them!"

"Wow! You're nuts!" Jess shakes her head.

"What? Why? Most women are desperate for chemistry and a guy who wants kids. I want a challenge, a bit of fun, adventurous, outdoorsy, masculine and he must be independent but loving."

"I agree with you Jess. You're nuts Marley! Aaron is definitely not your type then."

"No he's not. He's another Myles if anything. Lovely but not for me."

I take my time finishing the wine in my glass signaling the end of the discussion about my love life. I can never be the girl for those guys while I'm this girl.

The Province Newspaper reports that individuals with approval for use of marijuana for medical purposes will soon be able to purchase it at the drug store. Government grown dope is currently being delivered to the eighty odd individuals who are recognized as 'legally allowed to smoke it' to help alleviate their illness. It is proposed that weed will be available to Medicinal Users at the counter in the pharmacy. What I don't understand is, why? If the government is already delivering it to them, why the hell would any stoner want to have to go out and pick it up?

Jasper and I spend a gorgeous Spring day hiking from Garibaldi to Anderson Lake and back. By the time we get home it's after 7pm. Its harvest time again and I have to push myself to dig in and do the work. I'm tired of doing it all by myself. I drag a few plants to the living room and begin trimming in front of the TV. I care less and less about the smell but maybe that's because I can't smell it anymore? I know the plant particles, spider mites and chemicals can't be good for my respiratory system but I don't bother to get facemasks or even wear a scarf around my face. I figure I've been smoking bunk for long enough that all those tiny particles of left over trimmings I've inhaled have already done the damage. I'll have a hot bath and a steaming facial when I finish I tell myself. More than anything I wish I had someone in my life that would massage my back. I miss intimate touch. The gentle, intimate touch, that makes me relax and doesn't involve my sexual organs. Skin on skin but all for my pleasure and release. Evan wasn't big on giving massages.

I call and leave a message for Travis.

"Hi there. Listen, the dog coats you ordered will be ready on the first of next month and I'll be in town to drop them off to you that afternoon if that works? I've got five. Talk soon. Bye."

I have the honour of driving PIL to the airport. Jess is at baseball. It's their first game of the season and PIL doesn't care. She prefers it this way. Low key. We load her bags into the trunk and I throw her carry-on bag on the back seat as she climbs in the front beside me.

"Here's some gum. And before you jump on me it's not for your breath. It's for your ears."

I throw it at her and it hits her head.

"Ouch thanks" she rubs her temple.

I change gears and speed up. In my head I'm pretending we're going away together.

"You're welcome. Listen you're likely to have jetlag for the first twenty-four hours. So don't hook up with anyone or talk to anyone. Just try to go to sleep. But not out of pattern either. You might have to stay up to go to sleep with the rest of the country you're in."

"Why wouldn't I talk to anyone?"

"Because there's a chance you might not know what you're saying. Like 'yes I'll sleep with you in the back of your van Mr. Hindi airport janitor!'"

"Eww."

"Okay it might not be that bad. But I've been known to tell secrets when I'm jetlagged. Just warning you."

"Really? That's interesting Marley."

"Don't get any ideas. I wont be traveling again for some time."

"Passport problems?"

"No money problems. Bloody debts."

"How's things with Evan anyway? I haven't asked you about him in ages. Sorry."

"Nah we're fine. He's been a great help trying to get our debts out of the way. He seems to be over having a melodramatic reaction to everything."

"Cool. Finally maturing huh?"

"I guess you could call it that? Let's not jump ahead too far though. He's not pulling any magic act. The guy is still about sixteen years old."

"Of course."

"Where do we go?"

I look at the signs all around us looking for departures.

"Here. Take the middle lane," PIL points through the windshield.

"I'll drop you off and park the car."

"Are you sure Marley? You can just drop me off."

"After all these years I've been traveling and all the trips to the airport you've made for me PIL, I think we can enjoy a Starbucks before you go."

"Yes that would be good. We'll call it Saturday Coffee."

"To Saturday Coffee" raising my pretend cardboard cup.

"Cheers" PIL raises hers.

"Chink" I touch her imaginary cup with mine pretending they're glass "I'll see you in there.

PIL gets out and I drive away looking back in my rearview mirror. She looks so ill prepared. She's a virgin international traveller. I remember my first trip and I'm jealous.

I find PIL at the check in.

"You're all set then?"

"Yep" she smiles walking away from the counter.

"Hot chocolate?"

"A glass of wine sounds better" she laughs.

"Up to you" I shrug, "I always feel groggy when I drink and fly."

"Yeah you're right. I don't want to be fuzzy."

We walk over to Starbucks and I order us two hot chocolates while PIL finds a table.

"Here you go."

"Thanks honey."

I sit down heavily nearly knocking the chair out from under me and spilling my drink all over my hand in the process.

"Whoops!" I laugh.

"Are you alright Marley?"

"Yeah. Just my usual clumsy self" I wink at her wiping up the mess with napkins.

I like the airport. I like the idea that everyone is on their way to another reality.

"Hey see that fat guy?" I point.

"Yeah the one in the Bintang T-shirt?"

"Uh huh" I nod, "He has the seat next to you and he had garlic prawns last night!"

PIL laughs and snorts looking around her.

"No. The Indian woman in the sari over there is on the aisle and I'm on the window and she has nothing but curry coursing through her veins."

"Or that young guy with the big headphones is in the middle and you have to climb over him to get the toilet and he makes it difficult so that you have to rub up against him to get out!"

"Stop it Marley!"

"What? I haven't even gotten to the older crowd who will likely be farting up a storm after that rubbish food they serve. God help you in a window seat, with a couple in their seventies beside you farting dried chicken in a cream sauce with mushy peas!"

PIL is laughing so hard there's no sound. I see tears at the corners of her eyes and hand her one of the folded up tissues I always carry in my pocket.

"I don't want you to go. I will miss all of this fun. How will my abs get a workout?"

Tears are forming at the corners of my eyes and try not to think about PIL leaving. That only makes it worse.

"Now you promised no emotional scene Marley."

"Well why are you talking about it then? You're going to make me cry" my words choke in my throat.

I try to think about something that will make me feel bad. An image of sidewalk vomit comes into my head.

"We'd better hug it out quickly so there's no tears" I hear my voice crackle.

PIL's embrace is warm and tight. She's been a part of my life for over a quarter of it. How am I going to live without her being here? I'll have no one to talk to. She's been my greatest link to the outside world. I look around us at the people dragging their possessions along with them, milling about, eating, drinking, waiting in line and posing for photos in front of The Spirit of Haida Gwaii statue. They're all going somewhere and I'm going nowhere.

PIL checks her messages and I finish my hot chocolate. I stand up slowly to throw my cup away indicating I'm ready to leave. I'm not trying to hurry her I'm just emotional and I'm trying to escape before I can't control it any more.

"The depth of our friendship has no boundaries PIL."

"Oh don't make me cry Marley!"

"What I mean is you can call anytime. Day or night."

I smile and pat her on the bum.

"I will miss your pretty face and I really love you," tears well in the corners of my eyes again.

"Me too" PIL gives me a final crushing hug and squeezes my ass as she turns away and walks toward US Immigration.

I wait until she's about ten feet or so away and I've wiped my tears then I yell loudly waving my arm in the air.

"Bye. Bye Phillipa Imogen Langford! Goodbye Princess!"

Everyone around me stares and I watch her slowly turn back to me and raise her middle finger at me with a big smile. I make a pretend phone with my hand raising it to my ear and mouth the words 'call me' waving with my free arm. She smiles and waves. I watch her walk towards her destiny and I walk back to my old car and my old life.

"Hello?"

"Hi."

It's Travis and he sounds like he's got a bad flu only I know it's because he's been snorting nose candy all night.

"Oh hey how's it going?"

"The Barn's on fire!"

"What?"

"Yeah can you believe it? It should be on the news tonight. There are trucks everywhere."

He sniffs.

"Fuck off! Are you serious?"

"Yeah you should get down here. It's an inferno. We'll roast marshmallows!"

"Where are you?"

I hear sirens.

"I'm out front watching. It's unbelievable. The perfect ending to that tragic hub of sloth and moral abandonment."

"What the hell happened? Were you inside? Is everyone out?"

I'm standing up now. My adrenalin is running.

"Yeah, yeah everyone's accounted for. Darren called me at The Cambie!" he laughs, "He called the bar and Christie bought me the phone. I jumped straight on the Seabus and came over to the North Shore. It's a freaking inferno Marley! I'm not kidding. There's snapping and crackling. I'm just waiting to see which room catches next."

"Holy shit! Did you lose stuff in the house?"

"Yeah, not much. Just stuff, you know clothes... whoa, that was a loud crack. Sounds like the fire just hit a live ballast."

"Are there cops there?"

"Yeah they keep pushing people back. The neighbours are out watching. I heard one old guy talking to the cops about a grow so someone else is aware we're likely to see a fireball here soon. They've got three hoses on the roof and a... a basketball just came floating out the front door!" he laughs loudly, "Oh that's funny! I wish I had a camera."

"I'm sure it'll be front page of the next North Shore News. You can get yourself a memento then."

"You're right. There were a few people taking photos when I got here. I can't see them now. Pity. The fire was only half as big back then."

Travis sounds high. He's speaking faster than normal.

"Were you staying there?"

"No."

"Where are the guys now?"

"Darren told me that they were just getting home from a day scavenging when Sean pointed out the smoke as they drove down the hill. By the time they reached the house people were already out front and they could hear the sirens."

"Oh crap! Are they there?"

"I don't know where they are now? There's plenty of people here though and the cops are interviewing the neighbours, so I guess they're keeping a low profile."

"Where're you standing? Aren't you worried a neighbour will point you out?"

"No. I'm far back. No-one even knows I'm here."

"You think it was the grow room?"

"Who knows? Those guys had all sorts of shit going on in that house. They had so much time on their hands they rewired things just for the fun of it."

"The news report'll tell me what the cause was I'm sure, especially if there's any mention of that. Any ideas what'll happen to Sean and Darren?"

"Nah. But I predict they'll now be homeless as well as penniless."

He laughs again.

"Yeah but where will they stay?"

"Oh don't worry they've got plenty of friends. Darren's seeing some new chick and Sean can live under a rock as you know."

"I still can't believe it. I mean I can hear it happening but I can't believe The Barn is now a part of history."

"I know. It's crazy. It was bound to happen though."

"Needed to happen though" I add.

"Exactly. The owner will be happy. Collect some insurance, put up a nice new house on prime real estate."

"You think it could be arson?"

I wouldn't put it past those guys to go to the owner and offer to burn it down for him.

"You never know?"

"Hey d'you get my message about the dog coats?"

"Oh yeah. I'll look into it. When'll they be ready?"

"Consider them ready."

"Okay I'll see what I can do."

"Great! Okay bye."

"Hey! Marley?"

"Yeah."

"You should tape the news story later, I'd love to see it."

"I'll see if I can find a tape. Bye."

I have no intention of taping it. That place needs to be a distant memory. I contemplate that the burning of The Barn means that there is no longer a place to investigate Katrina's claims of abuse and that saddens me.

APRIL

I'm up to my armpits trimming when Travis calls. I resist the urge to hear his voice and let it ring out. Surprisingly he leaves a message.

"Hey Marley Listen I gotta go to The Island for business and I'll be staying there a while. I'll call ya when I get back. Cheers! Oh and I'm not sure if I can help move herb because I'm moving into a different field...(he coughs) Anyway talk later. Right then. Bye."

Fuck Travis and fuck this god damned industry! I know he's talking about cocaine. Yuck! Fuck Pat too! Coke dealing had Pat's name all over it. Pat was dragging him into that shit for sure and now, after all I'd done for him, Travis couldn't help me unload my own weed. I shut the phone off with a snap and reach for the wine bottle. I put some aromatherapy bubble bath in the bath and sit down on the floor beside the tub and sob. Jasper hugs in and tries to lick my tears away, making me laugh. I know the grief will turn to relief and it's a reminder that this life is not the one I was destined to be living. Can I go back to other people telling me what to do though? Back to having to conform to a rigid forty or fifty-hour work week? I'm not sure. I already feel inferior to others in the workplace because I've been out of it for so long.

Jess and I decided to lunch on the patio at Milestones in Yaletown. Parking in Yaletown is a bitch but it's one of Jess's favourite places so I cheerfully agreed, knowing better than to argue with a hormonal woman.

"I wonder what the poor people are doing?" I ask loudly as we settle into our seats, menus in hand.

The sun is shining and we look fabulous with our sunglasses on.

"Absolutely!" Jess agrees breathing heavily while trying to adjust her seat to utilize the sun's rays, "I wonder where PIL is?"

She rubs her ever-growing belly.

"Somewhere in Europe. Probably lying in bed with a hairy sweaty beast of a man who doesn't speak a word of English."

"Lucky bitch!" Jess lights a cigarette.

"Yes. Yes she is. Are you okay? You seem... subdued?"

The server brings our drinks. Jess doesn't look up. If it's not alcohol she doesn't care.

"It's just that everything's changing. Everyone's moving on. We won't even do THIS soon" she whines.

Even with her sunglasses on I know she's tearing up. It isn't like her and I grab her sleeve.

"Awe Sweetie it'll be okay. The changes were in effect long before you even took the time to think about it. If you wanted all those sleazebag friends of ours at your wedding then you should have done it years ago."

"I know" she whines "It's just that people keep moving and I always thought I'd have my friends around me when I had babies."

"Well I'm still around."

"And I love you for it."

She pats the top of my hand like I'm an old lady. She rubs her belly in a circular motion.

"I just mean that I thought when I had kids... it would... it would be like when I was growing up, you know, surrounded by all my friends and their kids."

"Uh-huh" I say slowly, "But then for that to happen you would've had to stay in Ottawa and fortunately for me you didn't do that."

"God! And me!" she sips her juice.

"And the truth is Jess you're always going to be surrounded by your friends. You just have to make new ones wherever you are."

"Mmmm... I know wont always have the type of friends I grew up with, I just hope I have some that really care about me" she pats my hand again.

I cock my head to the side and look at her. She'll be knitting next.

"Are the pregnancy hormones already kicking in?"

"Could be? I guess I just wish more of you would settle down," she pulls up her sunglasses and eyeballs me.

"Oh you're talking about the needy you. She's not hormonal she's actually just pushy."

She laughs and we order food. Jess has a continuous stream of smoke coming from her mouth and in the sun she looks like a little chimney.

"Aren't you supposed to stop that?" I point to her cigarette smiling.

"Shut up!"

"Well at least you're not drinking!" I add quickly.

"Well not all of the time anyway" she laughs again. "Not like you, from sun up to sun down. Booze hound!"

"Now you shut up!"

I sit back and let the sun fall all over my face blinding me into closing my eyes even with my sunglasses on. I exhale expelling as much air from my body as I can.

"Did you hear that James and his little slutbag are having a kid?"

I sit up properly.

"No. Why no, I did not!" I raise an eyebrow at her and sip my mimosa.

"Now that's gonna be one stupid kid!" Jess guffaws.

I laugh and nod. Jess's pregnant and attached to a new guy and all but it was still hard to say anything against James. You just never knew when people were going to give it one last try.

"Yeah. You might've dodged a bullet there I reckon."

"Oh hell this baby is going to be way cuter than him!"

And there it is. I hear yearning. She still has so much baggage when it comes to James. She hasn't even had time to mourn the relationship and realize that was never the guy for her.

"Jess your baby will be gorgeous despite the fact that it will have your DNA."

"I think you mean 'because' the baby has my DNA?"

"Oh yes, that's it" I grin.

She rubs her belly more slowly in wider circles. Her bump's getting big enough that you can tell she's pregnant.

"I know you're hungry," she whispers to her boobs but I'm sure the comment is for her baby.

When the food arrives Jess takes a handful of fries and shoves them into her mouth before the server can put the bowl down on the table. She makes no apology for her actions. The server ignores her. I can't.

"Sorry she's ravenous. Didn't take anything off your arm in her bite did she?"

The server smiles and walks away. Jess looks at me with a frown.

"What was that about?""

"What?"

"The whole 'she didn't take a bite out of you did she' thing you did?"

"Sorry. I just thought she bristled when you grabbed the chips before she'd put the bowl down."

"She had already put the bowl down by the time I grabbed some chips."

I pull my neck back knowing differently. I saw it with my own two eyes.

"Oh!"

I leave it. It must be the hormones or maybe it's the chat about James that's aggravating her? Either way she isn't aware of her own actions.

"What's going on with you Marley?"

"Not much. The kids are back in school."

"Right. Spring Break is over."

"Yep."

"What do you do with them all summer?"

I look up from my soup and Jess is licking her plate. I look from side to side and people are looking at her. It's embarrassing. She holds it licking it clean in long strokes. I want to laugh but can't for fear that she doesn't have any idea that what she's doing looks terrible.

"Ummm lots of hiking. Let's just say I like to make sure they're tired when the day is over."

"You're no Mary Poppins then. You're a mean Nanny!"

"Mean? No. I'm teaching them to take care of their health. I wouldn't take them if it hurt them."

Why am I having a conversation about fictitious people?

"When's this baby coming out anyway?"

Jess shakes her head.

"Uh uh. No. We're not talking about me right now. How's things with Travis?"

"Ummm... fine."

"What does that mean? Are you still seeing him?"

She takes a tone with me because she thinks I'm being evasive.

"No. We haven't been together for a while... I mean I still catch up with him. We're just not seeing each other... really..."

I'm scrambled. I don't know how I feel about the whole Travis thing so it's hard to talk to anyone else about it. I haven't done the mental audit on it yet. Thinking about him annoyed me more than made me happy these days.

"I'm sure if you looked for the right guy he'd appear Marley. I just think you're wasting your time with someone who doesn't want the same things as you."

"Mmmm..." I keep eating my soup, "It's already exhausted itself Jess. I'm just in disconnect I guess? Defragmenting right now. I'll be fine. Hey you wanna get a dessert?"

"Yes let's get dessert" her eyes light up and she grabs for the small menu on the table.

More than ever I need a treat.

"Fuck! Oh my god that's hot! Bugger, bugger, bugger!"

I burn my leg getting in the tub and I jump out again quickly, almost slipping on the tiles as I do. I ran the hot water for too long distracted poking at my face in the mirror. By the time I added the cold water there was only a little space left for it and now I can't put my arm in to pull the plug and let some hot water out. It's scalding. My leg is telling me so. I use a ruler to reach the plug and get under it enough to flick it out. By the time I run cold water and get back in the bath my red leg has cooled to a pink and I still have to put it up on the side of the tub. Steam is still coming from the pores and it hurts. The constant supply of weed has numbed my senses and delayed my reactionary time. I often burn my thumb or nose when using the lighter because it takes me so long to feel it.

I lie back and close my eyes and Myles pops into my head. Things cooled considerably once the passion subsided. I can't be with someone who wants something I can't give. I feel like a fake and the last thing he needs right now is a stress case for a girlfriend and to be associated with dope growing. I have to have a direct conversation with him. I know that. But I worry I've let it go too long and the appropriate time for that has passed. In the past I'd learned that bad news was better than not being honest with someone and yet I was still trying to avoid the truth simply by creating distance. Myles deserves more respect than that. He's shown me more respect than that.

I get out of the bath and send him a text. It's after 10.30pm but I reason that's not late for singles and only after I send it does it occur to me that he could be sleeping due to tiredness from MS.

'Hey Myles Wanna grab a drink in morn? Hope so. Haven't seen you in ages. Marley'

"Good to see you Marley."

Myles reaches out to hug me as I stand up to greet him. I'm only halfway up as I don't push my chair far enough back and my legs are stuck under the table. I'm half standing and twisted and not surprisingly it's an awkward hug. He smells good and feels warm and familiar.

"I was surprised when I got your message. I haven't seen you for a few weeks."

"Really? Sorry. It hasn't been that long has it?" I lie knowing it has.

He takes his jacket off and throws it over the back of his chair. He's wearing grey cords and a light beige shirt with a brown thread intermittently running through the fabric. He likes corduroys. For me, the jury is still out. They're nice and soft but for some reason on a shorter guy they just remind me of old man pants. I'm sure they're from some fashionable outlet too. One that promises not to lead guys astray and favours thick cord but I still wasn't buying it. It was like tartan and the beige cable knit sweater. They came in and out of fashion only periodically.

"I should grab a drink?" he points inside Starbucks.

I look guiltily at my own drink.

"Yeah sure. Sorry I didn't know what to get you."

"It's all good. I'll be back."

My stomach has butterflies. Now that Myles is here I'm anxious about having 'the talk'. I scan the parking lot and the highway intersection hoping not to see Evan.

Myles holds the door for a blonde chick who's tying up her Weimaraner by the doggie bowl at the front door. I watch them walk in together smiling at each other. Three minutes later when he walks back outside he waves to her and I feel a pang of jealousy. He sits down on the metal chair next to me and grins.

"So what's been happening with you Marley? How's the nursery?"

I look around me seeing who might be listening. There are half a dozen tables filled with mostly climbers and other outdoorsy types. Everyone looks engrossed in conversations or newspapers.

"Yeah good" I nod "They're doing their job. Can't end soon enough though."

"Oh yeah?"

"Well it wont be this month but I'm working towards it."

"Good for you. What'll you do?"

I laugh my nervous laugh.

"I have no idea. Back into a hotel? A resort maybe... although Jasper has me restricted?"

"Of course."

A truck screeches to a halt behind me and I jump at the noise. Myles looks past me with his mouth open and eyes wide and I can't help but turn and look quickly. I see a beat up truck in the middle of an almost empty parking lot. I turn back to Myles and hear the door slam.

"It's just some skater guy. I don't think it's his truck, the way it looked like he stomped the brakes. They must be touchy. He looked just as surprised by his commotion as we are."

I nod and at the same time the young guy walks past me and inside Starbucks. His filthy steel caps tell me he's a construction worker. There's a huge amount of development happening in Squamish. It's close to Whistler but most things are half the price and close enough to Vancouver to commute for work.

"So how are you Myles? How are you feeling?"

"I'm great. I'm feeling stronger. The gym is helping with my balance. What else? Let's see. Oh and I've had a few interviews lately."

"Hey that's great. What'cha gonna do?"

"Yeah I figured I might as well get back into it. I'm getting bored being at home and my medication seems to be stabilized. I haven't had a fall in weeks. I'm looking to get back to the front desk" he nods.

"Cool. Vancouver?"

"Yeah. I can't go back to Whistler. I'll fall into those old traps. You know what I mean."

"Yes yes. Drink, drugs, sex and boarding. It was great when we lived it in our youth."

He laughs and I think of Karlene still doing it. You can go back to a place but not a time and I loved that time in my life but I think it had long passed for us.

"Right! Our youth!"

"I know we're not old but still life has to get serious at some point. Would you commute?"

He nods and we sip our drinks. I have less than half of my hot chocolate left and it's getting cold. I'd have finished it by now if I wasn't trying to have a conversation. There's no better time Marley. Do it.

"So I wanted to talk to you. You know I just feel very messy right now..." I pause looking for the right words "I'm trying to dissolve a shitty business and I don't have time to..."

Myles cuts me off.

"It's all good Marley. We've always been friends..."

I cut him off.

"It's not that I don't enjoy our time together Myles I just don't have the time and energy to commit to someone who lives in the real world, especially when I'm still living on the fringe."

"Marley you're not living on the fringe. I know what you mean though."

"I'm just trying to be honest. I have so much drama in that world that I can't handle any other stress."

"With all that's happened in my life recently I think I'm looking to settle down. And I don't think that you're there yet?" he nods.

I laugh.

"No? What gave it away? My love of freedom?"

"Well that was the first sign. The way you eat is a close second."

"What's wrong with the way I eat?" I cover my mouth.

"Sugar products are treats Marley, not a good diet."

"What? I eat that other crap too. Stuff from the ground and all."

He laughs.

"What's in your cup?"

"Nothing. It's empty."

"What was in it Cheeky?"

"Hot chocolate."

"Mmmmm... I rest my case."

"I still don't know what the problem is? Lots of people drink it" I smile letting my voice peter out.

Myles looks around us.

"How's Jasper?"

"Good. He's probably wondering where I am actually" I look at an imaginary watch on my wrist.

"Yeah I have to get to Vancouver. I've got another interview this afternoon."

"Nice! You wouldn't move back to North Vancouver if you got a fulltime gig down there?"

"Nah. Not back to my parents. I'd probably look at getting an apartment on the North Shore or in the Westend if the job was permanent. Right now I still wanna ride up here on my days off so I'll commute until the end of summer at least" he leans back in his chair stretching.

His arms look huge.

"I hope it all works out for you Myles."

There's not much more to say so to release us from the discomfort of prolonging things for the sake of being nice I stand up slowly to hug him goodbye. He puts his cup on the table and hugs me.

"Take care of yourself Marley. You deserve it."

"I will. I know what I need to do. I just have to make it happen."

I can hear the words coming out of my mouth but all I can think is I want to leave.

"It'll take some time, you know, but I'll get there. We should have coffee soon! I'd really love to hear about your new gig when you get it."

Waffle, waffle waffle... I'm rambling. He leans in and kisses my lips softly. It's a parting kiss. He pulls back slowly and I feel as though my mind is racing.

"I'm sure I'll see you at the gym Marley."

"You're right!" I point at him and click my fingers.

He smiles, picks up his cup and gives me a quick salute as he walks away. I see the scene in black and white and my hair is curled and pinned and I have a mink shawl and printed dress on. Myles in his suit, vest and fedora waves his salute and I dab my handkerchief to the corner of my eyes. Like an old midday movie. I turn and throw my paper cup into the bin and walk to my car. Our catch-up went much better than I expected. Myles is suffering a long-term illness and needs someone who can take care of him. I'm looking to be taken care of myself. While I know I'll see him at the gym I doubt we'll ever have coffee again.

The plants are two weeks from harvest and I've got kids that need to be replanted. I'm lying on the couch having a break from gardening watching Maury Povich when the phone rings. There's no caller id.

"Hello" I mumble waiting to hear the property manager's voice.

"Hey Marley you answered."

"Oh hey Travis. How's it going?"

There's surprise in my voice because I'm surprised. He's given me enough time to miss him so I'm nice too. There's no built up residual drama. And I finally have no expectations. Besides I need the interaction. There's five pounds of weed sitting in my freezer I need to move. People always equated the amount of weed one could produce to a pound per light. I'd learned over time that this could be hard to achieve and was very lucky to have five pounds from the last haul.

"Things are good. Yeah listen, I haven't got much credit. I'm back in Vancouver, do you still need help?"

"Yep."

"I'll bring the sausages. How many do you think will be there?"

"Five."

"Five. Good. Good. That's a good amount. Okay I'll call around and call you back."

"Okay Bye."

"Bye."

I'm not holding out hope. He's unreliable at best and I think he feels obligated. Besides, last time he 'helped' me I got screwed. Why was he offering to help again now? Did he need to move my troublesome Ma and Pa amount of weed so he could get a small amount of cash for his brokering? Probably! I never saw a thing from helping with his outdoor grow. Not even money to cover the hydro to help dry his weed. I resent giving him anything for helping me move my stuff but I also know he'll expect it.

Travis calls me back two days later.

"I think we have a buyer."

Thinks? He thinks? Great! Here comes another day of running all over town in a panic, only to not even come close to recouping the money spent producing the shit. Oh well, at least you always get enough smoke out of it to help you accept that you're being fucked! I have no other option. There are only two other ways I'm going to be able to move it. I can sell it in smaller chunks like I said I'd never do or Evan can try to move it through some of his new friends, and both he and I don't want to do that. It's worth the hassle of moving it with Travis to get the money quickly too. Some of the people who break it up and sell it need to have it on credit to get going. That means waiting for money to come in and in dribs and drabs at best. And that's if one of us plays the stand-over role to make sure we get our money. With all the guys in the industry, that isn't going to be me.

"I'll meet you at 3pm in East Vancouver" he's firm.

"Okay. Does that leave us enough time to get the BBQ?"

"Yep. See you then."

Travis is not at the destination when I get there and I have to wait twenty minutes for him to get off the next Skytrain. He saunters over to the car, he's never one to hurry. I'd have bet money that he was only a couple of stops away from where I was waiting and if he'd been honest it would have been faster to pick him up wherever he'd spent the night.

I pull the Subaru into the Burnaby Middle School parking lot and let Travis out with a hockey bag full of my weed. He slings it over his shoulder and I watch him walk over to a waiting red Suburban. It looks new. I try not to stare. I know that's not appropriate behaviour. Travis throws the bag in the back seat and jumps in the passenger seat as I drive away. I could make note of license plates and gather more information but there's no need when I see an end to this lifestyle more and more every day.

I drive the streets of East Vancouver just to see what the rest of the world is doing, patiently waiting for a call to collect Travis. I wish I had more patience but it pisses me off that these things take so long and have to be done over beers and bullshit.

"So we got something. But the market is flooded because of the holidays so we didn't get as much as you want."

"Okaaaay" I brace myself for bad news "What'd we take?"

"$3600 for three."

"What? Seriously. They know they haven't been stored outside right?"

"Yeah. Sorry. That's the best I can do. And you said you needed some cash..."

"Yeah that's true. Thanks. What about the other two?"

"You might have to bring that back another day?"

"We can't leave it with the guy and hope that it gets filled in an order somewhere?" my voice pleading.

"I'll ask him."

Two and a half hours later Travis gets back in the car.

"Hey!"

He reaches into his back pocket before putting his seatbelt on. I notice his jeans are ripped across the knee. I hadn't noticed until now and I can see a stain down the front of his shirt too. It looks like oil. He isn't looking very hip or pulled together. Maybe that's how they roll in the coke business?

"Hey so here's the money and he said he'd hang onto the other for you. So that's good eh, that you don't have to drive it back up the highway?"

He hands me the money and I loudly breathe a sigh of relief.

"That's great."

It's not but what else can I say? I can wait another week for the rest of it. I've got a few bills to pay but at least this way I can afford some more chemicals. My last harvest had smaller buds than usual so I want to work on boosting the plants vitamins during flowering.

"What do I owe you this time Travis?"

"Marley you know the price."

"$50 per bag?" I say hinting that it's still a question and not quite believing my ears.

We are already getting shitty money for the weed and he's actually going to take money from me again, when he still owes me over $1100 for outstanding fines that I gave him money for so he didn't go back to jail? He stares at me and I hand him the bills and he tucks the money in the inside pocket of his jacket. I'm being robbed in my own car and he smiles at me as he claps his hands rubbing them together.

"A bevie then?"

"I've got work to do at home but I could go for one."

I don't want to have a drink but it's been a while since we've seen each other and he's doing business for me. Besides I have more money to collect from him and he has my product. I still have to play nice. The Cambie is nearby and at least I know I can have one drink and bail on him and he wont be alone. He'll be at his local. You always know someone when you have a place you call your local.

We find a free table outside and I'm surprised when he orders a couple of bottles of Heineken instead of draft but then I remember there's money burning a hole in his pocket. And because he didn't buy a jug I know I'm expected to get the next round.

"So where are Darren and Sean living now?"

"Uh Sean moved in with Janey and ahh... Darren's been couch surfing. He's calling in favours all over the place."

Travis laughs and sniffs wiping his nose. His nose is running and he sounds stuffed up. I study him. He looks like shit. He looks old and tired. He's dehydrated and has dark circles under his eyes. His hands show the age of a fifty-year-olds. That must be what you get from years of illegal gardening and drug taking?

"Not with Kara?"

"Nah that's long over"

"I'm thinking of getting out."

Travis looks mildly surprised and nods slowly.

"Yep probably a good call. The dope industry's gone big box, the way of the world. Organized crime's taken hold and that'll never change while the laws are antiquated."

"Ooooh big word!"

Travis leans in speaking more quietly and it reminds me about my own tone.

"Yeah remember I'm holding that grudge about my Charter Rights being violated..."

I cut him off.

"Yes yes but how does one fight that one when the next hearing involves the production of the same controlled substance for distribution?"

He wags his finger at me.

"No they can only charge me with being an accessory to it and even then I'm fighting it. I'll have the conviction overturned and I'll get off on the newer charge," he has bite in his voice.

"What do you want me to do with your ballasts and lights?" I change the subject.

"Ah you can chuck 'em. I'll never set up again. Smaller amounts don't interest big movers. I used to get rid of my crappier gear and smaller lots by moving it to Toronto, you know? Better dollar for the product back East than over the border if you can believe that?"

I nod. I know all of this. Since he was busted on Via Rail with a backpack full of weed he'd stopped running drugs to Ontario. And he'd also become more desperate.

"You've seen how many people are doing home invasions to steal dope and then sell it cheap trying to make a fast buck. I think society's obsession with all things bling is only gonna create more Ma and Pa Operations, which will in turn provide more reason for desperate idiots to do more home invasions. It's a vicious cycle" I sit back in my chair again.

Travis burps loudly as he finishes his beer. I think it's to alert me to the fact that he's empty and it's my round.

"One of the places I grew in in East Van I was always worried about being done over. I never lived in the house so when I went to water I'd worry about finding the door being kicked in."

"Or worse still them still being there after they did" I add.

"Yeah."

I hold up my Heineken bottle and signal our server for another round. Travis puts his bottle at the end of our table for collection. I'm only half way done.

"Ah we might have fucked up Travis, considering our level of intelligence and how we've chosen to use it but that doesn't matter because..."

I'm distracted as he brushes the sides of his hair forwards towards his jaw. I look at his ears. Do they stick out? Is he trying to cover them? Or maybe he's simply not listening to me by covering his ears?

"...because much like everything else in the twenty-first century these are our disposable lives. Just like latex gloves we can peel back this life and throw it away starting a whole new one tomorrow. You know? If we really want to?"

"So I just peel this whole life away and become a doctor?"

"Okay" I smile nodding, and I'm serious.

Travis laughs.

"How?"

"You simply start a new path. I've done it quite a few times. There're plenty of places to go and people to meet."

"I'm a criminal don't forget. And I'm a Scot! I'm only a resident here."

"You could be a doctor in Canada."

The server drops off the second round of Heineken and Travis takes a long swig and scans the room while I pay for the beers. I'm tired and I can smell my body odour. I've been sweating in the car all day. Travis sniffs again as if to remind me I smell but it's less about me and more about his ruined nasal passages.

"A big night last night?"

I take a dig at him because I'm pissed he's using blow. I always thought people who did cocaine were weak. They needed something to feel better about themselves something to make them feel superior. Weed only made me mellow. It never made me arrogant.

"Yeah sorry. Man that shit always does it to me!"

He stuffs a tissue up his left nostril. Very attractive!

"Huh" I nod showing obvious disappointment and judgment like a mother.

"You don't understand. You either do it or get out. There's no in-between. I can't just say 'no thank you.' It's my fucking livelihood!"

"Hey" I say shrugging as if I don't care, "whatever! You do what'cha have to, right? And it's not my life. Who am I?"

"Exactly! My fucking judge and executioner, that's who!"

I was. I was the only one that could judge him because no one else he associated with came close to being as smart as he was. He didn't care what the Neanderthals thought. And mom and dad couldn't judge what they didn't know. This antagonistic relationship would always be. He'd rejected me and I'm like a wolf with a wounded leg. I want to run wild again but I just stop and lick my wound over and over again never allowing it to heal.

I'm out running the trails when my phone rings. Stopping momentarily to answer it Jasper pulls up beside me licking my hand and panting. He's happy for the break because he can stop and sniff everything.

"Hello?" my voice croaks because my mouth is dry.

"Hey Marley it's Karlene."

I pant heavily.

"Hey baby. How's things in old Whistle town?"

"Never as good since you left."

"Yeah I know. I have that impact."

"I'm going to Vancouver. I thought you might wanna join me for lunch?"

"Sure. Where?"

"At Chris's place."

"Oh! What now? Chris's place? Is that a restaurant?"

"No Marley it's not a restaurant and you know it. Yes Chris and I have been seeing each other and before you ask, it's going well. He's a real gentleman!

"Well, well, well, Miss Karlene. It does sound like you are growing up."

"Marley I swear it's better than anything I've ever had. Are you okay?"

I hear happiness in her voice and I'm really excited to catch up.

"Yeah, yeah, Jasper and I are just out trail running. So what's the plan?"

"Well I'm just driving the last of my things down to the apartment..."

I cut her off.

"Are you moving in Kar?"

"Yes."

"Oh my god! That's fantastic! It must be going well."

"It is. I never thought I'd leave Whistler Marley. It's scary. It does seem very grown up, doesn't it?"

"Mmmm..."

I'm happy for her. Envious but happy.

"So will you come down?"

"Sure. I'll just finish my run and make myself presentable. What time?"

"Well I'm heading out now so whenever you get there."

"It'll probably be a couple of hours is that okay?"

"That sounds fantastic. I'm excited to see you Marley. I'll text you the address now" she squeals.

I'm so distracted by everyone moving forward in life that I barely notice the rest of my run. It's as if I'm walking on air. Like Jess I feel as though I'm being left behind. You wake up one day and all your friends are shacking up, making babies and traveling to wonderful locations.

I'm walking down the hill on Lonsdale Street towards Chris's apartment with the sun in my eyes when I almost walk into someone coming out of the magazine store.

"Oh sorry! I couldn't see you. The sun..."

"Marley?"

I look up startled. I push my sunglasses up on top of my head as the person reaches out to hug me and I put my arm up in self-defense momentarily, not recognizing them.

"Oh shit Sean! You scared me."

We both laugh. Me because I'm embarrassed and him because I just tried to karate chop him for fear of attack. Taking a step back I look him up and down and shake my head. He looks clean and I'm blown away by the change. It's the first time I haven't felt like I had to be nice to him. The first time I haven't felt pity.

"Holy shit you look great!"

"Thanks Marley! I'm in a program, ya know?" he looks embarrassed and kicks an imaginary rock.

"Are you? That's wicked. Good for you" I playfully punch his arm.

"Yeah thanks. It's working for me but you know how it goes. The whole one day at a time."

He's talking fast and I sense his anxiety.

"What happened? What changed? I mean... how?"

I can't help but beam at him. I love a good 'success in the face of adversity' story.

"I don't know if you know but Janey took me in when The Barn burned down."

I nod.

"She didn't want to. You know, because of where I was at."

He looks down again and puts his hands in his jean pockets.

"Anyway she gave me one last chance to be there for my family. For Kat, ya know?"

"That's cool. That's very cool of her Sean. God I can't believe it. Katrina must be ecstatic to have you around all the time" I playfully punch his arm again.

He steps back rubbing it pretending it hurts but smiling.

"She is, yeah. We've been spending so much time together since I finished my fulltime program. And its quality time now, you know, we're connecting? She doesn't want to leave my side most of the time."

He's proud of himself.

"I'm so happy for you Sean."

"Thanks eh. I'm not all the way there but... twice a week counselling and meetings..." he shrugs.

"As I said, it's UNBELIEVABLE the change in you. Fantastic!" I'm enthusiastic, "I wish Travis would take a leaf out of your book. Make some better choices. Have you seen him lately?"

I can't help myself.

"Nah not since our place burned down" he shakes his head and looks at the ground again "Nah, we wont be seeing him for a while and if we do it'll be on the news I bet."

I step back as if I didn't hear him right and cock my head to the side.

"What? Why? Did I miss something? Did he have something to do with The Barn burning down?"

"Didn't you hear? He's on the run. Took off a few... maybe a week ago now? Darren saw him just last week."

"What?" I cover my mouth.

"Yeah Janey's been pushing the police to interview him and press charges 'cos' of what he did to Katrina. She's been seeing a psychologist and she's told us everything."

I'm shocked. I'd only just seen Travis too. What day was that? Monday. Five days ago. He must have known about all of this then. I try to think back to his manner and the conversation looking for clues. That's why he wanted to get paid. He was doing a runner. Probably hiding out in Victoria before that. If I hadn't been there for the deal he probably would've kept all the money. Or maybe he did? He probably sold all of my dope and knowing he was leaving town kept two pounds worth thinking that I'd buy that story. I'm suddenly pissed off.

"So was he going to be charged?"

"No. Well I think so but I know they were looking to interview him first and get his version of events. I tried to tell them where he might be but the coppers couldn't make contact with him and they said to leave it to them and that I shouldn't try to deal with him. Lucky they said that to me 'cos' I don't know what I'd do if I saw him right now Marley?"

I nod and raise both eyebrows.

"Geez I had no idea Sean. I'm sorry this is happening. How's Katrina doing anyway?" I touch his arm sympathetically but pull back instinctively.

It's still Sean.

"Ah yeah, you know it's been tough. She's getting better every day. Some days she has a harder time than others but she's a really strong little girl. I'm very proud of her. That fucking cunt!"

He shakes his head in dismay.

"That fucking slime ball! We did him so many favours. Darren and I and here he is taking advantage of my little girl."

I nod looking at my watch. I'd told Karlene I'd be two hours and it was getting closer to three.

"Yeah well he still owes me money!" I laugh as if I'll never see it.

"Well good luck getting that back. Not too much I hope?"

"A couple of grand at least. More like three or four" I nod and look at my phone checking for messages.

"Oh Christ! Shit! Sorry Sean but I gotta go. I have a lunch date. Listen it was great to see you. I'm sorry you're going through that crap but I'm happy to hear you're back spending lots of time with your daughter. Oh and keep doing what you're doing. It works on you!"

I snap the phone shut and put it in my handbag. Sean tries to hug me again and I give him half a shoulder before I turn to leave. I won't likely see him again and I'm fine with that but what an interesting turn of events. That Travis had a secret greater than those I already knew was always in the back of my mind but my own wants had simply allowed me to ignore it. An undeniable guilt had changed him and his demeanor after accusations were made although I refused to acknowledge it. Intuition told me all along what Sean had just confirmed. Travis was a bottom feeder he just masked it better than the others.

Looking out over North Vancouver from the 22nd floor Karlene and I charge our wine glasses.

"Cheers!"

"I wonder what the poor people are doing?" I muse lying back on the lounge chair.

"They're the ones running around below us doing all the work."

She eats a strawberry off the cheese platter and tucks her feet up under her bum. The sun is glorious and not so hot that you don't want to be in it. I should put sunscreen on but I hate the smell.

"I'm really glad things are working out with Chris Kar. His pad is wicked!"

"Yeah it's nice" she smiles to herself.

"Where is he today?"

"Working. Well that's not true. He was working this morning but he's enjoying a round of golf this afternoon in West Van."

"Do you play together?"

"Oh yeah. We have. Plenty of times in Whistler," she nods.

"How's that work with you both being competitive?"

"It's fine. If he wants sex then he lets me win! Simple really."

We laugh, until a guy two balconies over on my side, coughs and we look up startled unaware of his presence. Karlene's face goes red.

"Oh dear! I may have already upset the neighbours?"

I laugh loudly and sip my wine but now that I know creepy guy is there it's hard not to keep looking over at him. I grab a green grape from the platter and begin to peel it with my teeth.

"I love watching the dogs at the beach."

"It's a fantastic view! And I think living here and being with someone who cares about you would do me just fine. You've landed on your feet baby!"

"Now I just have to get a job."

"What? With all of your contacts it shouldn't take much?"

"No well I've already been offered a rep gig with Norco but I was keen to get into event management and Holly from Cycling BC told me that she'd take me in a heartbeat. So it's really up to me to decide?"

"That's awesome! Sounds like you are all growed up Kar."

And I wasn't just saying that, it really did sound good. Getting into something you enjoyed and doing it for a living, having a great boyfriend and living on the 22nd floor and moving towards something stable and supportive.

"I'm moving to the city soon. I'll have to get you to hook me up with a job" I smile and look sideways at her.

"Really? You're moving down too? Shut up!" Karlene smacks my shoulder and I nearly drop my grape.

"Yeah, in the next few months. I need a change of scenery."

"Oh my god Marley it'll be so good! We can do lunch and go to the beach and get massages and all the stuff we used to do in Whistler. All I need to do is find you a good man and then we can double date once a week too" she says excitedly.

I wish I was that enthusiastic about it. Karlene sits back grinning and puts some cheese and a pickle on her cracker.

"Yeah well if that's the case you'll have to get me a job just so I can afford to do all those things."

"Of course!"

Piling goat's cheese on a cracker I sit back and watch the world go by. This is what I've been missing. I need to stop hiding and underachieving. I need to dream big again. I need to get away from living in the moment and find excitement somewhere in long-term goals.

I run home from the gym in the rain. When I walked into town after lunch the chances of rain were high but I'd hoped to beat it. Stopping at my mailbox there's a postcard from Africa with an elephant on it. I turn the card over quickly so the writing is underneath and it can't smudge in the rain. Inside I dry my hair with a towel and put my robe on before I sit on the couch with my legs tucked up under me.

For Marley my elephant,

I may never come back! I think I have found my peace!

Phillipa

ps I ate Rhino! Is that wrong?

I laugh at the fact that she wrote her name. I've never seen that before and it makes me curious? And then I feel weighed down with sadness. PIL is becoming someone else, someone worldly and exciting. Someone I used to be. I can't even look myself in the eye anymore let alone anyone else and I feel shame for my choices and my place in the world.

I call Evan. I have to do it. If I don't tell someone I'll change my mind.

"Hey."

"Hey! I'm out" I blurt.

"What do you mean out?"

"Out. Done. No more meetings. No more stress. No more work. Gotta get a job 'out'!"

"Really?"

He doesn't believe me. We owe money. He knows that the garden is how I planned to pay.

"So when do you wanna break it down?" I ask.

He laughs at me.

"What?" I'm hurt, "You don't believe me."

"Seeing is believing. Wanna get started now?"

He thinks he's calling my bluff.

"No. I have plans today. Besides I wanna get the last of these off and that's it. Six weeks max. I'm not making any more babies."

"Alright. Well as soon as you know what you're doing lock me in and I'll help with the teardown and I'll take the gyprock to the dump for you."

"Thanks Evan. That'd be great."

"You're doing the best thing Marley."

He keeps the conversation short but it feels good to know that someone will help me dismantle and remove the grow equipment. I smoke dope all night trying to block out the world. I'm stressed. Agitated. No wonder people get fat and stay fat. It's hard to make change. I keep telling myself that once I pack things up as hard as it might be, I will be off the hamster wheel that is the drug trade.

"Slow down buddy!"

Jasper bolts from the car as soon as I open the door and I'm right behind him. The day is beautiful and full of promise. Spring is in full swing and I'm even more certain I'm ready for a clean out. We're going for a late afternoon run out on Paradise Valley Road. There's no loop along the road so we have to run out and back but the location is in amongst mountains and trees and is incredibly peaceful. My body works its way up to cruise control as my mind focuses on the scenery and I can smell weed as the vapours leave my body. I'm so disappointed in myself that I smoke because I never even bothered with cigarettes as a teen. I'd be lucky to have had five cigarettes in my lifetime and yet the amount of weed I've smoked spans years. The lines around my lips will forever give me away.

The asphalt is burning under my feet and the rubber on my sneakers feels like it's melting. Jasper runs along on the dirt at roads edge, dodging in and out of the trees and leaping logs trying to stay cool. His pads must be burning too. I keep churning it all around in my head. Was I actually doing this? I still have one more harvest so it doesn't feel real yet. All the deals aren't done. Evan knows someone who can move the last bags of dope and I'll happily switch brokers because I'm still looking for the money Travis owes me for two pounds, let alone the fines I paid for him. And there was little chance he'd surface again with the accusations and possible impending criminal proceedings against him.

Jasper and I finish the ten kilometres in just under fifty minutes and I feel great about myself. I'm running the Sun Run in three weeks and it's a good training run. Running on the treadmill isn't the same as running outdoors so I have to practice both and I'm tired and heavy limbed. My body feels stronger though and that helps remind me I'm in control. If I don't take the leap now and reform I'll never do it. I should have done it when we had to change houses and get stupid tenant insurance. What a waste that was!

The last days of growing have come around quickly. I'm tired but I know a Pepsi will fix that. I have thirty plants left to trim and I'm desperate to get them done today. I sit over the bucket in the grow room under one light. Every day for years my business has been plants. Tomorrow it will no longer be. I worry that it'll be like any habit, it'll be hard to break and I wont know what to do with myself. Not having a new source of income is a greater worry but I push that to the back of my mind. I can't think about that I just have to get these plants trimmed. The room is cool because there's only one light on and I work quickly. I need every dollar that I can milk from this crop so I'm careful not to lose any bud and I save nothing for myself knowing that there's plenty of bunk to get me through.

I finish trimming and drop the scissors on the floor throwing my arms in the air as if I've tapped out of a wrestling match. It's been laborious and my fingers and arms are sore. I feel Carpel Tunnel Syndrome and am reminded its yet another reason to stop growing. Standing up to stretch I take a deep breath as I turn the CD player off and as I do I take in too much air and instantly I have a hacking coughing fit. I reach for the last of the Pepsi to soothe my throat. Looking around me at the clean up still to do I shake my head and sigh. Last time Marley. Last time ever I tell myself.

I'm daydreaming when a sense of calm takes hold. There's no noise. There's no whir from the blower and fans, no hum of electricity from ballasts. I can actually hear the quiet. There's nowhere I have to be. There's nothing I have to buy, nothing I have to sell. There's no schedule. There's no fear of detection. There's no stress. There's no ball in the pit of my stomach, no cramping in my shoulder blades and my brow lifts. This really is goodbye to my old life.

I text Evan to tell him it's done and he appears at the front door half an hour later.

"So it's over?"

It's kind of a statement and a question. Either way he's looking for confirmation that his time's not being wasted.

"I guess?"

I shrug and he follows me into the grow room. I know he won't go upstairs and be social so I don't even try. This visit is for business purposes.

"You finished all of the trimming too?" he looks in the bucket.

"Yeah that's it. The final show is over aside from bagging and weighing."

He walks around the room looking at the mess.

"Nice! But why are there babies growing in the corner Marley?"

"What babies?"

I pretend they're not there and he points eyeballing me.

"Oh I must've forgotten those" I smile.

"So what you're running a light for nothing? Or are you unsure about getting out?"

I hear him saying 'Stupid Marley.' He called me on my lies. He was the only one now that PIL was gone and no matter our difficulties I liked him for it.

"No. But it's hard to do..."

"But you're out right? It's not hard if you're out," his voice is stern.

"Yes."

"Well then do it. Throw them away."

He holds open a new garbage bag he's pulled off the roll. I shake my head frowning.

"But we could chuck 'em outside in the woods? You know, not even tend them just see what we get?"

He holds the bag open and shakes it at me.

"You'll thank me later. You need this Marley."

"I know but..."

"I'll do it if you like?" he cuts me off.

He walks towards the trays of kids I have on the floor in the corner and I step towards him.

"No! I'll do it."

"I'll hold the bag for you. You can turn your head as they fall to their deaths if you like" he laughs.

I tip the tray up and let them fall in gently. I'm being pushed but it's not awful. It wasn't like I was going to keep them but they could have gone in the woods. I wince at the waste as I look at Evan.

"Freedom is close Marley. One more tray!" he holds the bag open wider.

I dump the last of the plants in and he shakes the bag violently making sure the plants are all beaten up.

"And there it is Marley. You're no longer involved in illegal activity every day."

"Unless I choose to speed on the Sea to Sky."

I wink at him and he laughs.

"Should I dispose of these?" he holds the bag out to me.

"Nah I'll do it."

He slams the bag down onto the ground hard to really make sure the plants are damaged and looks at me smiling.

"There. They're gone. I don't want you trying to save them. I'll come on the weekend and help you break the room down. Don't let me see those plants anywhere."

"Thanks Ev."

"You're doing the right thing Marley."

It doesn't feel like it but I know it is. I'm glad he called in and forced my hand. He wouldn't have helped me tear it all down without seeing that I'm serious about finishing up.

MAY

Evan comes prepared with safety goggles and the Saws-All and carves up the gyprock like it's butter. He cuts the 2x4's and other framing into smaller pieces so they fit better in the back of the truck. As Evan pulls the wall apart I move the insulation we'd had in it onto the tarp and tie it up because he always breaks out in a rash from the fibers. Loading all the crap into the back of the truck was finality, dumping it was merely a formality. I'd already taken all of the equipment out of the room and dismantled and packed away the shades, bulbs and fans and the ballasts were garbage bagged and placed in milk crates.

Once the wall is down and the room is back to normal we re-attach the bookcase we'd dismantled to gain secret access to the grow room. The bookcase has a crappy 1970s unfinished wood panel wall behind it and it backs onto the laundry where we had the dryer hook-up. We'd simply removed the paneling and walked in and out of the room through the laundry. Evan hammers it back into place and by the time we're finished fixing the room there's no indication of the grow operation having been in there. We had cut a hole in the wall behind the dryer in the laundry though to vent the outtake air and because we'd cut a circular ten-inch hole to enable the ducting to fit snug into it we re-cut the hole square. Our hope is this will help mask the reason for the hole if the property manager notices and we simply boarded over it and put the dryer back in front of the board.

"We'll get this debt paid in no time Marley, you watch. It'll be 50/50."

Evan's doing his best to be supportive.

"Yep. You've got my bank details for the debt and to put buddy's money into."

Evan knows some guy that wants to start up a grow op so we're selling him all of the equipment cheap. Grow equipment isn't the easiest thing to get rid of so I'm happy with anything we get.

"Uh huh" he nods at me.

"Yeah and thanks for that. Helping me get rid of the gear I mean. I would've had to dump it otherwise."

"No probs" he digs his hands into his pockets "you're doing the right thing Marley."

I've heard this before but I think he can tell I'm still not sure. I'd have to rise up and create a new life and I didn't know if I had the strength. Could it be easier to be a dope grower than to be a valuable member of society?

"I know. Ugh! But I have to get a job" I roll my eyes.

"Yeah that sucks!" he laughs because he hates to work, "But you'll be alright. We should never have started up."

He pats me on the back pulling away before it can feel intimate. Evan and I have no real strength to our friendship anymore and this could be one of the last times we would actually speak to each other. He'd been sure to shut me out of his life almost completely since we'd broken up but I think he'd had to, to be able to move on. It hurt me after all of the time we'd spent together, everything we'd done, our successes and failures but we were no longer together. I had to accept that our life together had passed. Evan and Marley were now. Evan. Marley.

"Oh hey!" Evan points at me smiling, "you know that old yellow Valiant you love?"

I'm unsure and furrow my brow.

"The one that the old guy drives around town at like 30kms an hour and I always shriek 'I want that car!' That one?"

"Yep it's for sale" he nods laughing at me.

"Shut up!" my eyes wide open.

"Yep. I saw the sign on it yesterday."

"And you're only telling me now?" I smack him on the side of the arm.

"Ouch!" he rubs his arm and laughs, "What? I knew I'd see you today."

"How much does he want for it?"

"I'm not sure. There's only a number to call from memory" Evan shakes his head.

"What if it's gone already?" my voice is filled with anxiety.

"That old thing?" he laughs heartily.

"I know it's old but it's soooooo cool!"

"And you'd look cool in it too Marley. But you're broke! Remember?"

I pout dejected but my mind is working overtime as to how I can have the car.

"Mmmm... that's just a hurdle" I mumble.

He shakes his head at me. I want that car. I love that old car. It's old but it represents the new me. The slower, more cautious and deliberate me. I'm not a hipster and I have no desire to blunt cut my fringe, dye my hair black and carry a Hello Kitty purse but I still think I'd look good in the car. I just have to work out some cash flow issues.

Jasper and I run through the woods. The trail is green and lush, all of the spring foliage is out and the air is warm. It's early but the sun is getting higher in the sky but it's not burning my skin yet.

"Keep up buddy!"

We're the only ones on the trail and Jasper's darting to and fro losing his mind in excitement with all of the scents, He scrambles from the thick scrub and falls into a trot behind me, tongue hanging long and low panting.

"Might be the last one of these for a while buddy? We're back in the concrete jungle tomorrow. No more nails to be trimmed bitumen as far as the eye can see."

He overtakes me and I ramp up the pace from behind forcing him to really stretch out and run. Excited by the chase he pulls further ahead, the big lug really can move. I push harder and it's getting difficult to breathe. Mentally I'm exhausted so physically I'm going out in sympathy. I race to catch Jasper and push so hard that I think I'm going to vomit. I have to stop but I can't. We're only 100 feet or so from the house. I can make it. Anything less would be quitting I tell myself and pull up hard at the edge of the front yard bending over panting uncontrollably. I desperately want to lie in the grass but it's wet from the dew and I know the neighbours are watching so I take Jasper through to the backyard and sit on the grass where the sun's dried it.

"I should get the brush buddy. I'll be right back"

Jasper stops rolling on his back and stretches out on the grass waiting. He's exhausted. Happy but exhausted. Me too. I run inside and get his brush. I think about rolling a joint but the sweat is drying on me and I'll get pimples if I don't get in a shower soon. And I have to brush his coat before I shower or I'll have fine hairs stuck to me. With gentle strokes I remove the matted hair under his belly and around his legs. He winces every now and again as I catch knots and I snuggle into his muzzle to say sorry. He's like a big baby. He's my big furry baby. He won't like not having a yard anymore and I'm feeling a little guilty about the move for his sake. I look at our house behind him. This place has never been our home. The house was always a dope-growing house. I didn't decorate and I barely unpacked. I closed the curtains and hid away. I wanted to be unknown. Unseen. I wont miss this place. I'll miss the environment, the great outdoors on my doorstep but not the house.

Dear PIL,

I'm out. I know you don't believe me but if you were here I could show you. But you're not. You're off enjoying yourself in some exotic location with some fabulous man draped over your shoulder who worships you. I'm so jealous! Anyway I am. Both. Jealous and out. Seriously. Only one payment left to collect. I'm already torn down, removed, done, over with and... drum roll please. I've moved to Vancouver. Where are you? Let's party!

I haven't seen Travis in weeks. But I saw his friend Sean quite by accident on my way to visit Karlene at her new digs with her boyfriend in North Van (that's a whole other story). Anyway Sean told me that Travis has done a runner! Something about sexual abuse of a minor? Sean's minor, Katrina. I don't think I told you about the murmurings at the time? Sean said the RCMP want to talk to Travis and they're having trouble locating him. When I saw Sean I'd only seen Travis a couple of days earlier for beers. He didn't seem any different when I saw him? But then a sociopath's character enables him to be outwardly unaffected by anything he's done right? And Travis is a great con man. His favourite film is The Talented Mr. Ripley for god's sake! He still owes me money but I don't expect to see it. (I know I know, you told me. I'm terrible with two things; Men and Money)

Jess's pregnancy goes on and on and on. She's eating well, chuckle chuckle, and I imagine the baby will be big on exit. I haven't said that to her but I have visions of her having a very hard birth. Then again with the amount of traffic her muff's seen over the years it might just stretch right out. (Oops! Did I say that out loud?)

Myles. Sweet Myles is working at the Sutton. He's happy and he's met a nice chick. They've only just started dating. I heard all that from Jane, the chick that he used to come to the gym with, the 'faux wifey'.

Jasper's loving the city again. We're running the seawall and through the park most days and I'm thinking of meeting some guy with a boat so we've been going slowly past the Yacht Club. Maximum boob bounce while I check out if there's anyone on a yacht. Knowing me though I'll pick up the shipwright not the boat's owner!

You can come home now. It's summer and there's plenty of trouble we could be getting into. I miss you Phillipa!

Love, hugs, kisses and a little butt squeeze,

Marley Moo Xxxxxxxxxxx

JUNE

I stand in the window next to Jasper with the lights off watching the comings and goings of people on Jervis Street. The Westend is always busy. We have a good view from the first floor and most people don't even see us because they can look right into the windows of the ground floor apartments as they walk or look at their own reflections. Jasper's front legs are standing on his step stool so that he's high enough to see out and his head jerks as he sees people and other dogs. The little red church across the street is lit up and people are filtering out the rear door. Nicely dressed parents with their children. It's either the end of a service or religious studies collection time because there are so many kids. The preacher or priest appears at the top of the stairs. Whatever his title the dude in the white dress shakes hands with people as they leave and the streetlights flicker on as the sun is setting behind the big white cross near the steeple.

"Hey Marley how's the move?"

I jump and Jasper growls and then wags excitedly. I follow where he's looking out the window and see Andrew standing down below waving up at us.

"Hey gorgeous! Wanna come up?" I lean out of the window and hold up my glass of red wine, "we're all moved in and doing a little people watching on a Thursday night. I've got wine..."

He laughs at me. He's wearing his denim cut off shorts. He's known for them. They remind me of that Madonna album cover where she has cut-off's on. The look would be a complete nostalgia trip if he had a Wake Me Up Before You Go Go t-shirt on.

"That's great Marley. Danielle got you all sorted. I knew she would. I can't stop tonight though. I've got a hot date. Hi Jassie!"

Andrew coos and waves up at the dog with two hands, his glasses are so dirty it's any wonder he can see out of them? Jasper's tail thumps against my leg seeing him and hearing his name. Andrew is one of the beautiful people. Soft spoken, incredibly genuine, kind and helpful, honest and compassionate, I couldn't imagine anyone disliking him and lucky for me we're friends.

"Hot date eh babe? So would I know tonight's lucky guy..." I whisper loudly "Or is he new?"

Andrew looks around him. There are windows open everywhere and he steps closer to me.

"He's all shiny and new!" he grins coyly putting his hand to cover his mouth so no one can lip-read, "Well, not so shiny that he couldn't use a little buffing. And if all goes well I'll be the one giving him a spit and polish tonight."

"Oh my!" I smile pretending to fan myself as if I'm hot from blushing.

Andrew winks and I laugh, images of gay sex flashing through my mind.

"You're so cheeky!"

Andrew is HIV positive. He has been for many years but if he didn't tell you, you wouldn't know it. Managing the Blenz Coffee House on Davie Street for the last eight years, which is walking distance from his townhouse, he lives a life of routine. Nights out are at Pumpjack and he never misses an episode of The Young and Restless, walking home at lunchtime to watch if it's not being taped. His friends know better than to call him at that time of day. Medicine has come a long way but not far enough to save him at this point although it has helped to ease his discomfort. He smokes dope too to help with his pain and when I was growing I gave him countless bags of shake.

"Hey I'll come walk our baby on the weekend hot mama. See you in a couple of days Jasper!"

"Cheers! He'll love that. Have fun sweetie! Be naughty!"

"You know I will" he waves grinning big at Jasper "see you Sunday buddy!"

We duck back inside the apartment now that we've garnered some attention from passers by and I sit down heavily on the futon couch and put the TV on. I pour myself another glass of wine and Jasper sighs as he lies down on his bed. I feel good. I feel more connected to normal people. People who are doing things and seeing things and becoming more enriched by living full lives.

I step into the street and look up at Jasper looking out the window at me as I go. It's warm out already and it's only 11am. I have my hair pulled up loosely, partly because it's going to be hot but mostly because I'm too lazy to shower and the messier it looks the less it looks unwashed. In pink shorts, a matching shirt, thongs and my favourite Oakley sunnies I walk down to Hastings Street. It's Saturday so there aren't many people out and I stop at the Blenz on the corner of Nelson and Granville Street ordering an extra hot hot chocolate. I already know that it wont be as good as Starbucks but I'm working hard on keeping things interesting. Old habits can be hard to change. If I fall back into routines that only give me pleasure then I'll miss out on more of life.

I turn right onto West Hastings Street walking slowly looking around me. I'm trying to operate at a different pace. A slower pace and I feel calmer just forcing myself not to rush. I look in the shop windows and I sip my hot chocolate feeling it warm me from the inside. It's twenty-five degrees out but in the shade the hairs on my arms stand up and I shiver. A young guy in baggy blue jeans staggers past me. He's cute but disheveled and obviously drunk and only a moment later I hear him throw up in the gutter behind me. I have to resist the urge to turn and look. I don't want to see the vomit and I have to tell myself he'll be okay. You can't help everyone Marley!

I stop at the old used bookstore on the corner of Pender Street. The smell of the books draws me in every time. It's already open but I just stand and stare at the books through the big windows. I have a drink and I don't like to shop for books with a drink in my hand. It makes storeowners nervous and I'm clumsy at the best of times besides I don't have time to rummage today because Jasper has been promised a walk in the woods and is waiting patiently at home.

Climbing the dark concrete stairs between the Marijuana Book Store and the Cannabis Café I self-consciously pull at my top, hoping my nipples don't harden in the cool stairwell. It's the same building I bought seeds in years ago only this time I stop at the first floor and nod at the big guy standing beside the open door outside a warehouse-sized room.

"Hey!" I'm chirpy.

"Hey" he stares with cold eyes, chin slightly raised so that he's looking down at me and stuffs his hands in his pockets moving from one foot to another.

I walk past him into an almost empty room towards a guy in his thirties who's sitting at an old brown desk in the corner by the window. Glass tanks lining one wall are filled with snakes, lizards and other reptiles. I don't look too closely but I can see they slither. Across the room a young pit bull with clipped ears is playing in the corner with another guy who's tugging on the other end of a rope the dog has in its mouth. There's a haze of blue smoke in the room and some thrash tunes are coming from an old stereo on the floor.

"Hi can I get $40?"

I gently throw the two twenty dollar bills on the desk looking at monitors behind the desk where I can see the stairwell I've just climbed and the front door.

"Sure."

The heavily tattooed dude with his head shaved grabs my money and pulls a small wooden box from one of the desk drawers. He has a small amount of weed and a scale set up inside it. He pours the weed from the scales tray into a bag and hands it to me.

"There you go."

I close the ziplock bag releasing the air as I do and I can feel someone walking up behind me. I stuff the bag into my shorts pocket.

"Thanks."

I turn on my heel to leave looking at the door and not at the person behind me although peripherally I can see whoever it is watching me walk away. A hazard of wearing my pink shirt and shorts combo and I shake my head ever so slightly at myself. I always stand out. Even when I'd had Evan standing beside me to reduce my oddball impact on others I was by my own nature obvious in these environments. I do my best to appear casual as I walk out carrying my almost empty hot chocolate but I'm watching the pit bull out of the corner of my eye as I go. You didn't need to be a genius to see the dog has been trained to fight. The poor thing looks terrible without it's ears. I glance at the ugly guy tugging on the other end of the rope and he gives me a nod and a wink. I smile, ever the nice girl. Eww! He's gross. I shouldn't have looked. 'It's never going to happen dude!'

I look up at the camera on me as I leave the warehouse and have to imagine I'm being recorded. Why? And what will these guys do with the drugs if the cops are coming up the stairs? It'll be too late and there's only one exit. I'd have some guy sitting in the park across the street watching the street happenings and buy myself some time to stomp it into the carpet or throw it out the window. Then again, maybe they do?

Three people coming up the stairs pass me when I get to the railing at the top. I look past them and hope they're doing the same of me. As I bounce down the stairs with escapism in my pocket I'm far more self-conscious about looking cagey because I know about the cameras. I slow my pace at the bottom making sure the bag's tucked away. I look left and right outside the doors before I step out in case there are cops around but it's purely instinctual. There's nothing I could do or say if they're there. I'll be arrested for possession or because it's such a small amount of weed I'll likely be given a warning.

I walk East Hastings Street with my back to the sun. I turn onto Cambie Street and look back at the building. I'm curious. Do the pot dealers rent the space and if they do what does the landlord think their business is? Selling reptiles? Not that the rest of the building isn't occupied by pro marijuana people but as far as I know selling weed is still illegal. Evan was the one who told me about these guys dealing weed out in the open. He was worried I'd go backwards just simply because I'd want or need weed for my own consumption. But the very civilized and almost 'normal' way of buying weed in a shop type set-up is hard to get my head around. It's still risky for detection as a buyer but it's much easier than having to call people and meet up with them in cafes and back alley's or in their skid row apartments fitting in with their schedules. There's no haggling over price for larger quantities but also no waiting and it's not heaty with police like the park across the street where Evan and I once bought slimy dime bags off desperate hard core drug users.

I flip my phone open looking for the time. It's nearly midday and highly unlikely for Travis to be at The Cambie this early but I can't help myself and walk over to the hostel door for a look. I know people are looking for him and he's supposedly on the run but I'm not so sure he has anywhere else to go. If not Vancouver then Victoria but he was a sucker for his local pub. His ego would have him thinking he was as slippery as his reputation and I could see him hiding in plain view. Thinking he could con his way out of anything if caught. I'm not down this end of town very often and I simply can't miss an opportunity to re-coup some stolen dollars. Swindled Marley won't let it go and I know that I'm the last person he cares about. He barely cares about himself. That's why I have to look for him. He isn't going to voluntarily give me my money now that there's nothing he needs from me. It's his lack of morality that really hurts. I'd gotten it so wrong. He's a gutter rat. Scurrying along the streets looking for the next good thing, meal, deal, girl to screw, place to stay. Living off the generosity of others. Contributing little of value to society.

Maybe life on the run, lying, cheating, dodging and stealing is merely a consequence of his lifestyle and not a direct choice? Or maybe Travis is so numb that he can't feel much anymore and living in fear with all the adrenalin that creates is the only thing that keeps him feeling alive? I could theorize all day about why he's a prick but none of it matters. I just want my money and duck into the bar quickly, head down so that if Travis is inside he won't see me and hide. I'd once watched him dodge some guy he owed money to as he saw the guy walking into The Cambie so I know all his cowardly moves. Looking downstairs the place is quiet. The calm before the lunch storm I'm guessing because I've never seen it this empty. Then again I've never been here this early.

The bartender is tapping a new keg and the server on the other side of the bar is rolling cutlery into a cardboard Corona six-pack holder. A handful of people sit beyond them but unfortunately no one I recognize. The smell of stale beer is overpowering and the floor is already sticky. I feel nauseas. I need to eat. The music changes to a Red Hot Chili Pepper's song and I scan the patio. A couple of old timers in rail yard overalls are drinking and smoking and a young Asian couple are tying up their dog beside their table. Travis is nowhere to be seen. I'm not disappointed and it wouldn't be surprising if I were to learn he'd only left the bar a few hours ago and is bedding down with their newest server.

I throw my empty cardboard drink cup into the trashcan by the hostel reception desk and as I'm walking back out onto Cambie Street a taxi pulls up loaded with smiling backpackers. The air is fresh and I suck in a couple of deep breaths and smile back at them as I begin my walk home. The weed in my pocket stinks. There's no mistaking the skunkiness. It's going to be a great high. All I need now is to get Jasper, roll up a fatty, roll the windows down on our new ride and go out to the park for a walk. Turning the corner back onto Hastings Street sweat runs from under my armpit towards my hip and I'm wet in my crotch too. The hot chocolate combined with the sun is making me hot and I worry that people can see a big wet patch on my shorts as they walk towards me but there's no way of covering my sweatbox. The sun has me illuminated. Hopefully I won't run into anyone I know.

Passing the Cannabis Café again I count five people streaming into the stairwell beside it, all heading up to the first floor. Every one of them is seeking escape from their own minds. I glance quickly at a dirty-looking guy in a black hoody, with a pitbull on a heavy chain leash and spiked collar who's hovering near the stairs and look at my watch. It's noon. They must be security at the lower door now that we're into the busier afternoon shift. Most stoners don't get out and about before midday. I put my hand in my pocket feeling the baggie and I exhale reminded that I'll soon be happily in a daze. Pot is big business and its always going to be. Happily though, it's no longer my business.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR

KELLIE POWNALL is the mother of two small children and this is her first novel.

Kellie operates her own event and stock photography website along with producing a website and blog about the life of her daughter, who is suffering a rare neurological disorder. Twice a year she works with her local retirement village producing video of their musical concerts as a way of community service.

Burning the rice routinely and having a small issue with OCD are her biggest personal challenges. Although you'd think one would help eliminate the other?

When Kellie is not writing she can be found in the vegetable garden or on the back of a motorbike, relaxing.

CONNECT WITH KELLIE POWNALL

<http://www.facebook.com/kelliepownall>

http://www.cameraready.ca

http://www.theindigobutterfly.com

