Hi guys, Geoff here. I'm making some changes
this week-- experimenting with portrait mode
and releasing shorter videos instead of long
episodes. But don't worry, the jokes aren't
going anywhere. This is What You Need to Know.
Now strap in, cause it's time for One-Liner
News!
Tom Cruise went to go see the movie "Tenet"
in theaters and posted a weird video of the
outing. I'm really glad he wore a mask, 'cause
that's some Risky Business.
R. Kelly was attacked in his prison cell by
an angry inmate. Wow, he must have really
pissed that guy off.
Elon Musk has revealed a working prototype
of his "NeuralLink" brain-implant device,
in a demonstration using pigs. The implants
were so effective, the pigs were able to communicate
an entire sentence: "Put us back in the bacon
factory, just please get us away from Elon
Musk"
A zoo in Warsaw is helping stressed-out elephants
by giving them marijuana. When asked how much
weed it takes to get an elephant stoned, they
said "one Woody Harrelson worth".
A giant glowing orb in Singapore is the world’s
first floating Apple Store. Not to be outdone,
Samsung has also opened a floating store with
a better camera that no one will go into.
Oh I'm getting an update: the orb has sunk,
and sadly, the owners did not get the Apple
Care protection package.
There's a new video game called "Airplane
Mode" that will let you relive the monotony
of an economy flight, in excruciating detail.
There are Sudoku puzzles, an unskippable safety
video, and a guy next to you keeps saying
"Hey, touch my forehead, do you think I have
a fever?"
Trump wants Biden to agree to take a drug
test before the first debate. I can only imagine
what they'll find. "Sir, you've tested positive
for prune juice, metamucil and viagra. You're
good to go."
According to a new book, Melania refused to
move into the White House until the Obamas'
toilet was replaced. Apparently, when they
first got married, she tried to do the same
thing with Ivanka.
Bodega owners in New York City say the police
response to robberies is so useless, they
won't call 911 anymore. When asked who they
would call instead, bodega owners unanimously
said "Ghostbusters".
Several TikTok celebrities in LA have been
criminally charged after throwing large house
parties. Police knew something was up when
they could hear each song being played for
just 30 seconds.
A tech firm has developed a terrifying robotic
arm that can stick a swab up your nose to
test for coronavirus. What I'd like to know
is, does it only work putting things up your
nose? Asking for a friend.
Trump ended his trip to look at hurricane
damage with a tone-deaf autograph session,
telling people "sell my signature on eBay,
you'll get ten thousand dollars. And, we've
obtained exclusive footage of the exchange.
A naked man in Australia used a car wash to
take a shower. I don't even want to think
about what he does at Jiffy Lube.
Dr. Fauci says he was under anesthesia when
the CDC recently decided to weaken its COVID-19
testing guidelines. It raises a lot of questions--
most importantly, can they put me under anesthesia
for the rest of 2020?
And that's all the news that's fit to joke
about! Don't worry, I still have main stories,
guest segments, and sketches coming soon.
Thanks for watching, and see you next time,
on What You Need to Know.
