When I was seven years old, I put three stick insects in a jar and counted down the days until they died.
Since I met Thomas,
I tally the days on the board of my bed.
In the smoke room he tells me he studied aquatic ecotechnology,
and I often dream about flooding.
I try to find his eyecolor at the paint section of the hardware store.
Silence, color code GN 005-07,
Parnassia, color code 006-07,
And flood, color code GN 007-09,
come the closest.
On www.wikihow.com I read a step by step explanation
'How to be a very cold and quiet person'
I don't need ten thousand hours to become an expert at something.
Someone on Tinder was looking for tutoring in Greek
and didn't have any further expectations for me.
We only fall in love over the summer,
when the bruises are visible on our knees,
as if we are showing off, look how many times I have falling, now please pull me back up.
A bed is always too small for two people who are still in love with someone else.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
According to the global art market report 2019, more then 60% of art academy students is female, but galleries  only show 30% female works.
 
 
 
 
But it was kind of a 'thing',
I think it would be a 'thing' for everyone. When you quit university and start art school,
it will always be... yeah, that you do not really know what to think of it
when at your family gatherings your aunts asks what you're actually doing with your life...
That kind of stuff.
Yes, what I tell them...
At family birthdays, I just give out very short answers.
Someone will ask, 'Oh, what are you doing with your life?',
then I go, 'I'm in art school.' Period.
I'm a writer, but an artist too.
But my base is really in writing.
Mostly poetry, and short stories.
And I try to combine this with image too,
So painting, or illustration. Making decorations with text on them, laying down text with beads...
Like the Taylor Swift of literature, I love writing about my relationships.
About ending my relationships.
I actually only had two break ups, so it's not that bad.
For school, I had to interview someone.
And I just didn't know what I was going to do.
I met up with my ex for the last time,
Because I knew he had done things you're not allowed to do in a relationship.
And the week after, we met up, in a park, here in Arnhem.
To see each other for the last time.
To talk about what was going on.
In that moment, I was like: wow. This would be a great interview.
So I just...
Whilst we were walking toward Sonstbeek park,
I just turned on my dictaphone in my pocket,
and I recorded the entire conversation,
where he confesses his wrongdoings, that he's so sorry and blabla.
I recorded the entire thing, and afterwards, I wrote it all down.
The next week at school the teacher asked me to read my interview.
Afterwards, I was asked, did you have permission for this interview? I was like, uh, no...
I think writing is a way of processing for me, to just say...
to write about what is happening in my life.
You can make up stuff,
but sometimes real life is more interesting than anything you could come up with.
I love it when people leave their stuff at my house, so there's always something to come back for, even when I am not enough.
They only found out when I...
was 19 years old, or 20. No, 19.
Because I showed very socially approved behaviour, for 19 years long,
and knew exactly what people wanted to hear,
kept insisting I was doing well,
no one expected something would be up with me,
expect for I was not really good and keeping up conversation and I could not make any friends.
But only after 19 years someone was like, hey, maybe this is autism.
The thing with autism is, it's not like you can stop it.
I cannot imagine how life would be without it.
People always think it's heavy when I say, autism is who I am,
but I think for the most part this IS who I am.
1.
Underneath the sheets, we are watching YouTube videos about folding origami frogs,
a compilation of the scariest scenes from Sharknado 5,
how to best dance at a club
and dashcam videos of car accidents.
I am always the last one to fall asleep .
2.
Does she know you kissed with a girl who wanted to be a deep sea archeologist?
Does she know that in the bathyal zone of the ocean,
1000 to 4000 metres deep,
it is almost fully dark,
with the only acception of bio luminiscent organisms such as the lantern fish.
Does she know she cannot talk about your dad?
Does she know about the mole on your back, shaped like a badly proportioned whale?
Does she know you only like the cheap ice coffee?
I am at peace now,
not being who other people want me to be.
Because I have found out, I am not who they want me to be.
That will make me unhappy, I will disappoint them if they find out I am not who they want me to be.
Why would I even keep trying to be that person?
I just do my own thing, and if people like it,
then they genuinely like me, instead of having to pretend.
Sometimes the people surrounding me are having more trouble with it then I am having.
When I am in a relationship, I find it really difficult to communicate.
And that can be a hard thing for people.
I don't want to go out every saturday,
to a party, I want to stay home. For some people, that's really hard to accept.
But I literally cannot take it.
It's not that I don't want to go out, but sometimes, if I have been at school the whole day,
I need to stay home, lie in bed, not doing anything.
That's different for me than for most people.
I know a teacher once told me, about a longer piece I wrote,
Elianne, you write too autistic.
And I thought, but this is a part of who I am?
and afterward, I laughed with her about it,
but I realized, this is typical for my writing, and this makes my writing, MY writing.
I notice the details nobody notices.
and I see
the smallest things people do,
I will count the tiny hairs on someones thumb, for example.
Other people don't take that into account.
And that makes my writing, autistic, well, yeah.
Yes, but it does not matter.
I have a peace pact with the outside world. First, it was mostly against me,
I try to use the negatives in my work,
everything that is a struggle to me,
to turn it into something positive.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
