[Channel Teaser]
How The Chosen King Of Neckbeards Continually
Kept Ruining My Sessions
So I joined a DnD group in my local area.
I was the youngest being 14 at the time but
as my dad raised me with RPGs and I’d already
played and DMed a few campaigns, but this
would be the first game outside of friends
and family.
Regardless, I was fairly mature for my age
and could hold a decent conversation, so I
felt confident it would not be awkward.
I’d been in similar situations before.
So we all get together and write up our characters.
I chose the group since all the people involved
liked warhammer which I was a massive fan
of, and being warhammer nerds we all had very
grimdark characters.
Another important note is that cosmetic changes
were allowed on our part as long as they made
sense with the rules.
I liked pretty much all the characters.
They pretty much all appealed to my teenage
edge: these included a dwarven barbarian who
planned to multiclass into paladin, a drow
rogue, a human-ish definitely not a chaos
worshipper warlock, me as a Dragonborn cleric,
biblical revelation style who spat boiling
blood.
And finally, the fighter -- the elven fighter.
All the players were really nice.
The DM was a great storyteller and everyone
really got into role playing, especially the
fighter.
You see the fighter was played by a foul smelling
fellow who would always wear anime t-shirts,
but I'd be damned if he didn’t hang his
trench coat and fedora by the door.
This should have been an early warning sign,
because -- Jesus Christ -- things got ugly
with him.
For starters, his character was a total self-insert,
basically being a taller, more attractive
version of himself; but he also always insisted
on fighting with a katana, despite the DM
constantly reminding him that we were in a
northern, medieval setting, and I mean medieval.
Streets of mud and the plague patrol going
down every other day.
But he gave excuses like “people would surely
buy such a unique and high quality blade brought
in by wandering merchants.”
The DM didn’t want katana’s in his campaign
but eventually caved and sold it to him for
double the price of a normal sword.
The barbarian would, in his usual friendly
rivalry kind of way, mock him for having such
a thin sword.
Such mockery would usually go something like
this:
“Can’t handle a real sword can ya?
Ya pointy eared fairy man,” the barbarian
joked.
“You can’t handle a real weapon you savage.
This weapon takes skill, precision, discipline
and years of training the likes of which you
couldn’t even imagine.
You instead choose to wildly hack away like
some uncivilised brute, and insult those who
use more precise weapons simply because you’re
scared of them.”
Thus was the fighter’s response.
As opposed to what happened with other characters,
interactions would usually go like this.
“ Too scared to use a real weapon to kill
your enemies?
Ya walking sack of potatoes!”
The barbarian smirked.
“You only say that because if you attack
from afar you’d only be able to hit their
shoes,” the warlock retorted.
“Oh by my grandad’s glorious white beard,
it’s on,” the barbarian grinned.
“Whoever kills the most marauders wins the
other one’s rations,” the warlock suggested.
“May the best man or whatever you are win,”
the barbarian said, grasping the warlock’s
hand.
But that’s not all.
The fighter would also go on long drawn out
monologues every time something important
in the plot happened, usually in some attempt
to make it about him, which segues into the
next issue.
He wanted to be the Mary Sue of the world,
and during the later parts when the DM was
not giving it to him, he tried to be the backseat
DM who would always try to influence the world
for their character.
Not only that but he wanted to be perfect,
beautiful and infallible, as opposed to our
ragtag gang of morally questionable individuals
who you would not want to encounter on the
street at night.
But he just had to always be in the right,
so quick to condemn us of being “not worthy
to represent the light” despite the only
one of us trying to do so happened to be a
lunatic from the desert who thought the light
would turn the seas to blood.
One more weird thing was that he would always
have his character try to hit on the rogue,
which both her character and the player were
visibly uncomfortable with.
Of course he never admitted it since he wanted
his character to have his own harem.
But things started getting really bad when
the stakes started to raise and a true quest
became apparent and the campaign came into
its own.
He started butting heads with pretty much
everyone else involved, but I seemed to bear
the brunt of it, as both the characters and
players were in stark contrast.
My character has garnered a reputation as
a herald of Armageddon, the messenger of a
vengeful god who both warns of his coming
wrath and smites the sinners who stand against
it.
However, of course, the fighter, king of the
neckbeards, couldn’t stand religion.
He went on various monologues about how “there
are no gods in this uncaring world” and
“religion is for brain dead cultists who
want to start another Spanish Inquisition.”
This annoyed me a fair bit since I was and
still am a fairly steadfast catholic.
Catholics don’t really regard revelation
as valid for a number of reasons, which is
why I felt able to make a character based
around it, But I tried to only argue in character,
giving off loose biblical verses and things
that aren’t, but sound like they are.
Seriously, that shit is my jam.
Myself and the rest of the group were leaning
towards an ending like revelation, where divine
fury is cast onto the world and the suddenly
vengeful armies of the gods and those humans
who were still loyal face off against those
tempted by devils and their false miracles,
as all hell breaks loose.
BUT!
Neckbeard had other plans, he wanted to effortlessly
save the world and become the king of everything
ever because he’s just that good.
Oh and we would get to be like middle class
or something!
But the DM didn’t like that so he tended
to lean more towards the biblical route.
Keep in mind this only really kicked into
high gear about a quarter into the campaign.
We started facing more biblical enemies and
the plot began advancing in that direction.
Around halfway through we started getting
more involved with the gods.
The barbarian at this stage was equal parts
barbarian and paladins, and was some sort
of badass avatar of war, and became a chosen
warrior of various gods of war, fire and metal.
The warlock became a champion of the dark
gods, gaining forbidden powers and eldritch
secrets in return.
And the rogue began to develop plans involving
eleven gods.
It was all coming together: a mix of grim
dark fantasy and revelation biblical stories.
The stage was well on the way to being set.
But the neckbeard, despite being offered multiple
chances to become a champion of some form
of divinity, refused, because “he feared
no gods.”
Eventually, he became fed up with having to
not be the best at everything, and having
the campaign not go his way, he became increasingly
lone wolf, and just generally began upping
the cringy anime protagonist thing.
After multiple hissy-fits at the table he
decided to challenge me to a duel.
Now you see, my character would have definitely
jumped at the chance to put that arrogant
brat in his place and show him the true power
of God, so I accepted.
This happened despite the inherent unfairness
of a cleric versus fighter dual who still
acted as if he was somehow honourable.
But between me choosing war domain and being
the chosen prophet of the dice gods, I actually
somehow won the fight, and I made a show of
it.
The blood of saints seated his skin, and holy
flames scorched his bones, as the wrath of
the gods manifested and rained fire down from
the heavens.
An overwhelming victory on my part, and as
I bellowed about how he should know his place
against the gods, he started saying it wasn’t
fair, and that I cheated by getting my god
involved, and that I wasn’t honourable.
Other characters remarked on how a fighter
going against a cleric who can’t even use
his divine powers was not exactly honourable,
but he just has none of it and demanded that
I heal his wounds and fight him fairly.
To remind you guys, he was lying on the ground,
bleeding severely.
I told him I am an avatar of my god and his
and my actions are one and the same; and as
such the use of him was all well and good.
I told him I wouldn’t have a rematch with
him and then healed his wounds, but oh no.
Oh lord no, he wasn’t having any of that.
He immediately tried to rush me while I had
my back to him and had just healed him.
To think this was the guy who complained about
honour!
The barbarian and the warlock stepped in,
saying this wasn’t a duel anymore, but he
just told them to “get out of my way or
I’ll show you my wrath as well.”
They proceeded to beat the crap out of him.
He then chucked a tantrum about how it’s
not fair, and this is where it gets real juicy.
He started yelling about how he was being
targeted because he was the smartest, and
because he has the best character and that
we were all jealous.
And apparently we all just did not appreciate
it because we had “unsophisticated western
taste.”
Keep in mind that he was the whitest one of
us all.
He literally threw a book at me and yelled
at me about how I’m ruining the world with
my bigoted western views and abhorrent religion.
I was genuinely terrified; for one, the book
hurt like hell; and two, he was a 30 year
old man and I was some bony thin 14 year old.
I did look older than I was but I was still
bloody and shaking.
He then proceeded to storm out of the house.
We continued the session but it was awkward
and I was left pretty scared.
He might’ve been a neckbeard at heart but
he was actually pretty physically imposing.
And I was still shaken.
Next session he shows up, despite being kicked
from the group chat.
He walks over to the table like nothing happened,
but then the barbarian says, “we don’t
want you here.
You scared the bloody hell out of the boy.
He’s still got bruises all over his face.
He’s only a kid for Christ’s sake!”
To which the neckbeard replied “he deserved
it, and he’ll get more if you don’t let
me play.”
At which point I was getting scared and was
spring loaded to bolt to the other side of
the house, but then the DM said, “leave
the kid alone and get the bloody hell out
of my house before I call the police.”
The neckbeard must have thought he was tough
for scaring someone half his age because he
thought he could intimidate the DM.
The warlock called the police while the barbarian
got pictures of his car.
By the time he realised what had happened
the neckbeard bolted to his car and drove
off, where the police found him on the road.
Apparently, he had been in trouble for trying
to bully children into giving him things like
rare cards and collector’s items.
After that we never saw him again.
The campaign continued on and was really fun
from there, the rogue’s new boyfriend joined
in and he was really cool.
He filled the role that the neckbeard left
but with much less anime, and the campaign
eventually came to a climactic end that just
could not have been better.
Good thing the neckbeard did not bring his
katana to the game.
Otherwise, things could have gotten really
ugly.
Some advice for you all: take showers, use
soap, and do not be that guy.
Let me know if something like this has ever
happened to you!
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