- I just knew it was
coming, I had nothing.
I'm going, I am such a loser.
Just go ahead, just kick me.
(drums beating)
- [Ben] One of the most popular questions
ever about blindness,
is what?
- Is, how do I know when to
stop wiping in the bathroom?
It's always asked.
It's asked all the time.
And maybe some people are
joking around about it.
And maybe sometimes
people, it's sort of a joke
but I'm kind of curious at the same time.
We did a video all about it.
- [Ben] But what's the history with that?
When is the first time you
ever heard that question?
- Okay. Questions on YouTube
are completely different
than anything anyone in my
personal life has ever asked
me before, ever.
- I said ever twice.
That was horrible syntax, forgive me.
Every English teacher in the house
just went, way to go!
F for Tommy.
F for you.
Nice going, goofus.
No, so I've never had that
question asked before.
The first time I ever heard that question
was listening to the Howard Stern program
and Artie Lange mentioned
that there was a bit
by a comedian named Bob Schimmel
who wanted to know that question.
And he wanted to know.
And I thought about it and
I didn't have an answer.
So I appeared on the
Howard Stern Show in 2004.
A few months after I heard the reference
and I knew it was coming.
And I was completely unprepared.
No one had ever asked.
No one.
- [Artie] I wouldn't let
a blind guy feel my face
'cause after a blind guy
wipes, does he clean pro-
- Yes, Artie!
- [Howard Stern] Probably not.
- [Artie] Probably not.
(laughing)
- [Ben] And you were (swoosh sound)
- And now I'm startin' to get nervous.
Now my heart's pounding
and I'm like, a fanabla
I got nothin'.
Because it was 2004, Howard
Stern had just gotten
a lot of static from, you know, that
Janet Jackson Super Bowl
thing and everything.
And they just cracked
down on Howard like crazy
and so I was afraid to speak.
I didn't quite know how to explain this
without gettin' dumped.
- What happens when
you go to the bathroom?
- You know, I knew you were
going to ask this question.
It's--
- [Howard Stern] How do
you check your tissue paper
to know that you got clean back there?
- Now, I'm gonna stop you right there.
How many of you actually look?
Do you really?
Do you really bring it close to your face
so you can look and (mumbles)
I mean, come on.
You don't, do you?
- [Ben] I'd say, probably, yeah.
- You do?
- [Ben] Look to see what is going on?
- Yeah.
- [Ben] Okay.
- You- Wow!
- [Ben] So then,
I'm not going to speak for every
sighted person in the world.
- Well, no, I'm not speaking for every
blind person of the world either.
- [Ben] There you go.
- You know, I just get
new and you can sorta feel
if there's any--
- [Howard Stern] You
feel the tissue paper?
- No, no, no, no.
- For cryin' out loud.
- [Robin Quivers] Artie's
right, you don't feel--
- [Ben] And they're just piling on.
- And I'm going, oh I am so screwed.
This is not good.
- [Ben] So you never
heard the Robert Schimmel?
- No, I've never heard
the Bob Schimmel bit.
- [Ben] Here it is.
This is the first guy that we know,
back in 1988, did this joke.
- Stop. Okay.
- [Ben] Yeah. On a Rodney
Dangerfield special.
- Really?
- How do blind people know
when they're done wiping their ass?
(crowd laughs)
- [Ben] That's the first time.
- Wow!
- [Ben] That's the
history of that question.
And then, I guess again,
do you remember this?
Somebody asked you this on TV.
Years later in 2012.
- How do you know when to stop wiping?
- How do I know when to stop wiping?
Well, I'll tell you what.
You familiar with Red Wood trees
and Seguoias and that?
- [Interviewer] Yes, yes.
- That's about how much
toilet paper I use.
(laughing)
- [Ben] That's a good answer.
- What a great answer that was.
Well, see 'cause I was prepared, you see?
'Cause I was never gonna
be in that situation again
like I was on the Stern show.
I wasn't prepared.
And you go do something like
that and oh boy was I nervous.
I mean, I was on the radio
with my hero, you know what I mean?
It was just (swooshing sound)
- [Ben] Do you remember why you were on
that show, by the way?
- I certainly do.
(quack quack)
- [Ben] Uh oh.
(laughing)
- I got yelled at once.
That's not a stick it's a cane.
Oh please, it's my stick.
I love the sound of nature.
I love the sound of the
birds and the bugs at night,
the crickets and all that kinda stuff.
But it scares me when
any of it touches me.
I'm walking down the street and somebody
would be behind me going, to the left.
Okay. And now right.
Watch out.
It just makes me nuts.
(drums beating)
