Good morning. Hank. It's Wednesday February 24th, and this is the view out of my front window.
So Hank, as you know, today has been a tough day. I'm worried about a friend of mine.
I was going to tell a ribald story about
Red Green,
the miniature dachshund we grew up with.
We called him Red Green because
a) we got him at Christmas and
b.) he was red.
I'm not really in the mood to tell that story.
Instead, I want to talk about my weight loss,
my cleanse
and how much I love nerdfighters.
So my childhood story is I used to be skinny
and then, despite all the happy dancing,
I gained weight.
In fact, technically Hank, since that photo was taken in 1995,
I've gained 63 pounds.
Now, Hank,
I'm happy to admit that I needed to gain the first maybe 20,
but the last 43
were strictly optional.
Now Hank,
you may remember in my last video, I said,
"By the way, Hank, just for future reference -
I'm counting on you and the nerdfighters to let me know when I get fat
and YOU failed on that front."
Well, Hank, as usual,
it turns out the problem was not Nerdfighteria,
but my underestimating Nerdfighteria.
Because in November of 2009, a Facebook group was founded
and that Facebook group is called,
"John Green is fat."
So it wasn't that nerdfighters didn't tell me I was fat,
I just wasn't listening.
Hank, "John Green is fat" is one of the great Facebook groups of all time
and its members have gone to extraordinary lengths
to find every picture of me
in which I look as fat as possible.
Here I am bragging about how I just ate a box of cheez-its.
That's a picture from my friend Leif Iwoko[?],
that was taken as I walked out of a 7-Eleven at 3:30 in the morning.
There I am eating pizza,
and there's me eating a taco,
wrapped in a pizza.
[Phone ringing]
Yello.
No, I'm at the Pizza Hut.
No, I'm at the Taco Bell.
I'm at that combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.
Oh, and Hank then, there's this picture,
which is me during the five seconds I had a mustache,
with the word pizza underneath my face.
I don't know why I love that.
But I know I want it as a shirt.
So Hank,
I want to thank the nerdfighters for providing all that convincing and humiliating evidence
that my puff
was descending into my body.
And the long and short of it is,
that since Henry's been born I've lost almost 15 pounds.
But Hank, I don't want you to worry about me, think I'm on some crash diet or something.
I'm eating a lot every day,
I'm just not eating,
you know,
french fries.
And I started running.
Well my version of running,
in which sometimes I'm passed by people who walk fast.
Nerdfighters,
I'm sorry for wrongly accusing you of failing to point out my pudginess,
keep the humiliation coming in comments;
it motivates me.
Hank, I'll see you on Friday.
Hmmmm...
pizza...
