Hey guys. Normally, I start this, uh, video, like, after I've started the game, but you guys gotta see the intro to this because it's hilarious.
[dramatic music plays]
[dramatically] Sakura Space!
I added the announcer voice there, but, like, that's amazing. They, like, actually kinda tried on this one.
And it's a longer one, y'know? Uhh, th-they've been getting longer. Umm...
I'm playing Sakura Space because it's scary.
Uh, y'know, space is scary. In general. Like, everyone who's ever died has died in space.
Like, not just astronauts but, like, other people like, um...
...Confucius. He died. In space. Yes.
'Cuz Earth is in space, I dunno why I went to Confucius first.
It's not like he's particularly well-known for dying. I mean, he DID.
I GUESS it's something he's known for 'cuz, like, he's dead now. Everyone who's ever died is known for dying.
Once they die.
This is the quality kind of stuff you can get from my channel. Umm...
Like, if you take your helmet off in space, you die. Like...
Your eyes explode or some- I dunno, I'm not a scientist. It's not good for you. You shouldn't take your helmet off in space.
Warning to the kiddos: don't do that. I guess that's a thing I have to say, even though, like... you don't go into space often.
Umm...
You think about space and how big it is and then how meaningless Earth is? That's scary, right?
I dunno. I'm really stretching 'cuz there's not, like, a proper Sakura, like, Halloween and it's almost Halloween.
And I'm trying to find a scary one. And it's, like - it's such a missed opportunity. They don't have one yet. Like, they could-
Werewolves. Right?
Werewolves, uh, that are cat girls, right?
Uhh, vampires... and, umm...
And succubuses. There you go. It practically writes itself.
You throw an ooze monster in there at one point, that tears off their clothing 'cuz that always happens.
There's ALWAYS ooze in every single one of these. There's a slime girl, there's some sort of slime crea- thing that happens.
It's happened in every single one. It does not matter the setting or the conditions. There's always going to be slime.
So you might as well just write it in. There's, like, a- an ooze thing that happened.
The slime girl. I dunno, fuck it.
Not the sli- I mean, I guess... people play these games so that they can-
Anyway, we're gonna start the, uh, the speedrun now.
Umm. I'm mainly doing this because, uh, I just wanted to ch-ch...
...talk... crap. And, uhhhhhhhhhhhh...
More or less, that's what these are for. 'Cuz, I mean, like, honestly...
[sighing] Come on with this. Like, why do they have a swimming pool? Why are, why are their outfits skin-tight?
Like, that's not how real astronauts are!
They don't have skin-tight outfits in space! Like, that's not Bridge-approved!
You see, like... Picard... goin' onto the deck wearin', like, a skin-tight Bikini?
Or whatever THIS outfit is? Also, they all have these weird holes in their chests? Look at that. Look-
I 'unnos you can see my mouse, but look, like, right where... like, just above-
Well, she's holding her hand over it now 'cuz she's a bitch like that, come on! Get your hand ou- move!
But they all have, like, this hole in the middle of their stomach.
And it's drawn exactly the same way, as if...
Ummm, it's just a copy/pasted... model? For most of this?
I don't know if that's the case, but that just seems... oh no, I'm giving the artist too much crap.
Am I? No, I'm not.
Anyway. Um...
So sometimes late at night, I have thoughts that keep me awake, right?
Not, like, depressing ones. I have those too, but that's not what I'm talking about right now.
Like, things that I think are really interesting and I feel like people should know.
Umm, and I'm not talkin' about, like, things that really, like, break the mold, like th-
Y'know, really... are gonna... change the way life works or anything.
I'm talkin' about dumb crap. Uh, if you watch the Dick Swirly video, which DID get demonetized.
I mean, fair enough... on that one, like... talkin' about dick blowjob... is...
...like a toilet blowjob. I guess every dick blowjob is a bl-
She was smiling and she IMMEDIATELY started shooting.
Anyway, fair enough on that one, YouTube. Umm, that one probably isn't advertiser friendly
Umm, what was I talkin' about? Oh right. Things that I think late at night. Um, it keeps me awake.
Umm...
And, uh, so I've got a few that imma talk about. First off... sports, right?
I was talkin' about this the other day on Twitter and, uh, my hands startin' to get tired, so imma...
...switch where I'm puttin' it, there we go. Um...
Just... gotta have the, the lesbian stuff goin' on 'cuz...
[sighs] That's the kinda high-quality...
[loud rapid clicking]
...fetish stuff we're doing here.
[loud rapid clicking]
Really, it's just a... well-made series.
I had a friend tell me that it's... not... gay... to watch... that and it's like, dude, lesbians are gay.
I dunno- [laughs] I dunno what to tell you! A-and furthermore...
What makes them lesbians is that th-they don't... they're, they're into girls and not dudes.
So, like... why are you gettin' all excited? You're not gonna get involved. What the fuck?
Also, ooze. Y'know I mentioned that? It's in this one too. They're in space. What is that about?
Anyway. Uh, sports, right? Golf.
Boring sport, could be made better. What if...
What if instead of clubs, they had to, like, pick up the ball in their mouth and lay down. And then spit it towards the goal. Right?
The hole, I should say, not th-the goal 'cuz, I mean, it's a hole, but...
We're gonna ignore all the fetishes that are going on right now and jus- sorta roll with this. Um...
A-and I talked about this on Twitter, so if you've already heard these... i-i-jokes, thoughts, whatever you wanna call them...
Sorry. I'm reusi- reusing them for proster- prosperity? Posterity.
Somethin' like that. Um, I have a bit of a headache, um... I think I'm a little hungover 'cuz I had a headache last night.
I think that's cuz I'm sick... but I decided to cure it by drinking vodka.
And then I realized that Advil exists and that, that was probably not a smart solution to my problem. Anyway!
Um... so yeah. Everything else is the same. Like, the caddies still carry around, like, the golf clubs and stuff...
But, like, instead of using them, they just- like, if things get violent. 'Cuz I'd imagine things would get really violent.
Like, if you're spendin' like... months on a golf course 'cuz thi-think it's, like, hours to do, like, a proper 18 holes, right?
[rapid clicking]
Like, I'd imagine it would take longer if you're only spitting the ball, like, a couple of inches and you're taking turns...
And everyone has to get up and stand up and lie down and...
So I-I would imagine the golfers would just fall asleep on the field.
And then just, like, people would just be waiting for them to putt.
'Cuz they would assume that they're putting. Like, they're lining up a shot...
And they'd- so just the crowd and the announcers are just all staring at a guy sleeping.
I think that's awesome.
Anyway. 'nother one: bowling. Really boring, right? Could be made better...
...by adding blindfolds. And spinning them, like it's a pinata or like a, um...
...pin the tail on the donkey thing? And then everyone goes at the same time.
Someone pointed out that that would be really dangerous and I pointed out that that's the point.
Um, i-it would have crowd participation, sort of like The Price is Right, where people are like...
...telling the person that the blender is, like, eight hundred dollars and the person's like "I don't know!"
And then they end up going with eight hundred dollars... and then, um...
Everyone just kind of stares at them 'cuz that's a dumb thing, blenders are NOT eight hundred dollars.
You're an idiot if you think a blender costs eight hundred dollars, OR... you're buying really expensive blenders.
And lemmie tell you, you can go to Target and you can get a blender for, like, 20 bucks.
[rapid clicking]
I mean, you can go to other places other than Target. You could go to, like, I don't know, like, um...
...Walmart. Or pretty much anywhere.
Blenders just aren't eight hundred dollars.
Rowing teams, but they're also jousting.
Right? Competitive. Rowing. Jousting.
And you can switch out who's jousting at any time.
I think we're coming close to the end of the game, so I gotta fill in the last couple. Ah, um, um...
Fencing, but with the- noodles that are wet. And it doesn't stop until someone starts crying.
And... yeah. There we go, that's one.
Uhh, football... but, uh, they have to pretend like they don't care.
And if you, if you actually score a point while it looks like you're actually trying to, you don't get the point.
You get more points the less it looked like you meant to do it. Umm...
Yeah, that's a good one. And then the, the teams would be, like...
"Ah, y'know. It was a good game, but they, y'know, and they tried really hard, but we, uh, we ended up eking out a win."
And then the other team is, like, really offended 'cuz, like, trying hard is obviously NOT the point.
And so it's just offensive to say that the other team tried hard. They're like, "what the FUCK?"
"What- why are you talkin' shit? We didn't try at all! We weren't trying at all, man!"
Anyway, that's the end of Sakura Space. I hope you enjoyed it, um...
And also the end of my rant, I guess. Um...
I'm gonna link, uh, the- the dick swirly thing that I was talking about, um, as well... at the end of this video, right around now.
Um, so you can actually, like, click on that and watch that if you want to hear more thoughts of me late at night. Um...
But yeah. That's, uh, that's Sakura Space.
I've a bunch other speedruns that I've done. I think that time was good, we're gonna have to check... in post-footage to see...
Imma go now. Thank you guys for watching. Byeeeeeeeee!
