- Just want you (beep) to know I'm ready.
(laughing)
(cringing)
(laughing)
- Come on!
(upbeat jazz music)
(engine revving)
- Wow.
- Yeah.
It also has this mode.
(engine revving)
- Irritate the neighbor mode,
what is that mode called?
I of course didn't bring any money.
- I didn't either.
- I have some in the car
in the Lamborghini.
- [Barista] Fat free latte.
- So obnoxious.
- I know, it's awful.
I left in my Lamborghini.
Perhaps I could,
you'd trust me for this.
- We're eating in a museum of food.
(woman laughing)
This is really weird.
- I've never experienced this.
- He's part of the museum
do you understand how crazy this is?
- Yeah, I guess you're right.
- We're not in a restaurant.
We're in a museum.
I'm sure the Chinese have seen the fork.
But they go "We're
staying with the sticks."
How did you learn to do Natalie Portman?
- I watched Garden State.
She did that thing where she's
"You wanna listen to some music?"
" I like music."
"Everything's so amazing."
"Wow...things are just so crazy."
(upbeat trumpet music)
- There were clubs in England
where the comedians are told
where the hen night is.
- What is hen night?
- The bride and seven of her...
- Oh,oh.
Like a bridal--
- Exactly.
Where they hire the white limo.
- Over the top.
- And within three hours they're
in an alley throwing up their guts
and going, "Don't tell him!"
"Don't tell him"
"I'm too, I should, he shouldn't marry me
I'm a disgrace."
(both laughing)
"You're not a bloody disgrace
you just had too much, babes."
"Oh, let me hold your hair."
"I've got vomit on me hair."
"I shouldn't of had that other kebab."
(laughing)
That's a hen night.
- [Woman] She got her
hair done for the show.
- [Jerry] Really?
- [Woman] Yeah.
- What do they do to her
do they tease it out?
- They just wash and fluff
and then they
shave the
so she'll have...
- I don't think I'd want that job.
- (laughing) Yeah.
Good girl.
(sneezing)
Bless you.
(sneezing)
Bless you.
That is the most interesting sneeze
I've ever heard.
It's tender and,
and full of rage, all at the same time.
(coffee pouring)
- The worst I ever did,
ever I did a jazz club in Queens,
Gerald's.
- Oh my god.
- I was supposed to get 50 bucks, right.
- Right.
- And there was no dressing room
so I bombed
then afterwards had to go sit in the room
with the people you just bombed with.
(both laughing)
You're sitting there,
people are walking by going
" Aw, shit."
And then afterwards I go up to Gerald.
He was a grown man, too
it's really mean to be like this to me.
And I went up,
I was like
"Yes, I was supposed to
get $50 for the night"
(Jerry laughing)
and he turned around and said
"You better get the (beep) outta my face."
(both laughing)
(engine revving)
(horn honking)
- I love this car.
- There is is, Big Lots.
- I knew there was one around here.
- I've always wanted to go to a Big Lots.
You know what I like about Big Lots?
- What?
- The exclamation point.
- That's what you like about 'em, huh?
- I like the enthusiasm.
What's your favorite cereal,
all time?
- I would probably have to say
Kellog's Bran Flakes.
- Bran flakes?
- I like them.
- No wonder you had a depressed childhood.
- You start jabbin' at somebody with that
you got a weapon, my friend.
Yeah.
Back off, I got a classic
cookie collection.
- Am I boring you?
(laughing)
(jaunty Italian music)
- I got inspired in Italy
to get my own Vespa.
But the guys there
the way they drive,
and the way they look--
- Yeah.
- I tried to replicate that at home
doesn't work.
- Ah, I know.
Jess and I took a trip to Italy
we said let's have breakfast
like this every morning.
Proscuitto,
cheese,
salami,
espresso.
We tried it twice, it's horrible.
(laughing)
Wow, this is fun!
Scooters!
Now you've grown this beard.
- Oh, you know
I haven't had hair in so long.
- You just turned your head upside-down,
is all you did.
- Yeah, really.
Everybody has beards now, Jerry.
Every man wants to feel like he's
doing something a woman can't do.
- Oh.
- Women are doing everything that we did.
I remember the first time
I was in a strip club
and a woman walked into the strip club.
She was coming to see the women.
I felt something's wrong here.
This is a man's place.
Well this is the last bastion.
- Men are looking to hold on to
a piece of their territory.
- What can we hold on to?
- I see.
- The beard.
- They feel the advancing army.
- It's coming
the fem army.
Da da, da da da.
- It was beautiful.
Now why not white walls?
- Get in the car.
- All right.
- You know, I don't prepare
anything for these shows.
- No kidding.
- Nothing.
(both laughing)
- What's the funniest Jewish word?
- It might be schnorrer.
You know what it means?
- Nope.
- A schnorrer is someone who picks
the cashews out of the mixed nuts.
(jazzy music)
- We win the Oscar for Ray.
But when I win the Oscar,
I don't take the Oscar home.
I give it to my manager.
You take this.
You want it?
Nope.
I said, because if I take that
I'll buy into the Oscar (beep)
and I won't be funny anymore.
'Cause when you hold the Oscar,
for whatever reason
when I was holding that Oscar
I automatically started to
speak in an English accent.
"There I was in the jungles of Africa,
knee deep in hyena dung
when I was approached
by the music of Ray, in a spiritual form."
And I was "Get the (beep) I don't want
none of this beep)."
(car crashing)
- Do you have a baby?
- I have no children.
- No children?
- No.
Do you have kids?
- Three.
- Three?
Do you regret, like
do you like your kids?
- What?
- I'm always wondering,
I'm always looking for someone to admit
they regret having children.
Oh my god.
This is crazy.
- Does your company make other things
other than this show?
- No.
- You just do this.
- I don't even think my company does this.
- You don't even do that.
- I don't even know if I have a company.
Hey, you wanna go to Arby's?
- Yeah, let's do it.
That was good.
- Wow, that was great.
(funky jazz music)
