>> Stephen: FOLKS, SINCE
TRUMP'S TAKEN
OFFICE, HIS CABINET HAS HAD
HISTORIC AMOUNTS OF TURNOVER.
HISTORIC AMOUNTS OF TURNOVER?
ALSO HIS FAVORITE BREAKFAST.
( PIANO RIFF )
THANK YOU.
( LAUGHTER )
NOW THERE ARE RUMORS THAT
"ENERGY SECRETARY RICK PERRY MAY
BE PLANNING ON STEPPING DOWN."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT COMES AS A SHOCK.
IT COMPLETELY SHOCKS ME THAT HE
IS SECRETARY OF ENERGY BECAUSE I
FORGOT.
I COMPLETELY FORGOT HE WAS IN
TRUMP'S QUAB NET.
HE'S BEEN IN THERE SINCE THE
BEGIN BUG YOU NEVER HEAR BOO
ABOUT HIM.
I NEEDED TO KNOW WHY SECRETARY
PERRY HAS BEEN SUSPICIOUSLY
QUIET, SO I LAUNCHED AN
INVESTIGATION WITH MY
LONG-RUNNING SERIES: "STEPHEN
COLBERT'S UNSEEN MYSTERIES OF
THE HIDDEN SECRETS."
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERING )
YEAH, PEOPLE LOVE IT.
PEOPLE LOVE IT.
>> Jon: PEOPLE LOVE THAT!
>> Stephen: PEOPLE LOVE THE
SERIES.
>> Jon: IT'S MAZING!
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THE BIGGEST
MYSTERY?
WHY NO ONE HAS SEEN THIS SEGMENT
SINCE THE FALL OF 2015.
ONLY SECOND TIME WE'VE DONE IT.
SO WHERE IS RICK PERRY?
LET'S FIND OUT.
>> SO MANY MYSTERIES UNSOLVEDDER
BUT IT'S UP TO ME, STEPHEN
COLBERT, TO DE-UNSOLVE THEM.
THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT'S UNSEEN
MYSTERIES OF THE HIDDEN SECRETS.
( CHEERING )
FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS,
SECRETARY OF ENERGY RICK PERRY
HAS MOSTLY KEPT OUT OF SIGHT.
NO SCANDALS, NO PROTESTS, NO
OVERPRICED FURNITURE.
HOW COULD A MAN WHO LOVES THE
SPOTLIGHT SO MUCH BECOME AS
ELUSIVE AS THE MYSTERIOUS BIG
FOOT?
WHAT IS HE HIDING?
TONIGHT'S QUEST -- FINDING RICK
PERRY.
FIRST, TO TRACK THIS ENIGMATIC
TEXAN, I CALLED ON THE EXPERTISE
OF DR. STEPHEN CHU, PROFESSOR OF
PHYSICS, NOBEL LAUREATE AND
FORMER SECRETARY OF ENERGY
BECAUSE, TO FIND A SECRETARY OF
ENERGY, WHO BETTER THAN ANOTHER
SECRETARY OF ENERGY?
( LAUGHTER )
I'LL TELL YOU WHO.
THIS GUY.
MATT MONEYMAKER, HOST OF FINDING
BIG FOOT, LEADING CRYPTO
ZOOLOGIST.
COOL LAST NAME.
HAVE YOU MET EACH OTHER BEFORE
IN YOU'RE BOTH SCIENTISTS.
>> NO, NOT IN THE FIELD.
>> Stephen: YOU WON THE NOBEL
PRIZE IN 1997.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: MATT IS THE
FOUNDER TO HAVE THE BIG FOOT
RESEARCH ORGANIZATION.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: IS THE PLURAL BIG
FEET OR BIG FOOT AS ATTORNEY
GENERAL.
>> IT'S BIG FOOTS.
>> Stephen: HE KNEW HIS STUFF.
I HAD TO FIND OUT IF MATT HAD
WHAT IT TAKES TO FIND A
SECRETARY OF ENERGY.
MATT, WHERE'S SECRETARY CHU?
>> THAT CHECKS OUT.
>> Stephen: SECRETARY CHU, AS
A FATHER, I KNOW THAT YOU'RE
ALWAYS GOING TO HEAR THE KIDS,
YOU KNOW, BEING RAMBUNCTIOUS,
SCREAMING, YELLING, LAUGHING,
WHATEVER.
ETH WHEN THEY GO SILENT THAT YOU
GET REALLY CONCERNED.
WHAT WORRIES ME IS PERRY'S GONE
SILENT.
WHAT'S GOING ON UP THERE?
IT'S TOO QUIET, SECRETARY.
>> THAT, I CAN'T ANSWER.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
MATT, YOU'VE TRIED TO LURE
SASQUATCH'S BIG FOOTS FOR YEARS.
YOU'VE PIONEERED TECHNIQUES -- A
SOUND BLASTING.
>> SOUND BLASTING.
>> Stephen: WOOD KNOCKING.
YES.
>> Stephen: COORDINATED MIMIC
HOWLING.
>> HIMMING HOWLING IS YOU'RE
MIMICKING THE HOWLS THEY MAKE TO
RESPOND TO THAT.
>> Stephen: GIVE ME AN IDEA
( LOUD, LONG HOWL )
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: THAT HOWL, IS THAT
MALE OR FEMALE MALE?
>> THAT'S MORE OF A FEMALE TYPE
HOWL.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY
SOUND LIKE?
>> BECAUSE FEMALES ARE HIGHER
PITCHED AND THE MALES ARE A VERY
BIG BARATONE.
>> Stephen: WHAT WOULD BE THE
MATING CALL OF THE SECRETARY OF
ENERGY?
>> HI.
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: LIKE THIS RARE
IMAGE OF BIG FOOT, SOME HAVE
CAPTURED PHOTOS OF THE SECRETARY
IN THE WILD, HERE WITH MICHAELS
FLYNN AND COHEN, HERE WITH
BRADYS CAROL AND MARSHA.
HE WAS ALSO SPOTTED WITH SAUDI
PRINCE MOHAMED BIN SALMAN, SEEN
HERE BRIEFLY NOT MURDERING
ANYONE.
WHAT DOES THIS SAY?
>> HE CAN SQUAT TO HIDE BEHIND
BUSHES WHICH MAKES IT A WHOLE
DIFFERENT THING TO LOOK FOR HIM.
>> Stephen: NARROWS DOWN TO
WHERE THERE ARE BUSHES.
>> THAT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: MATT, IF YOU KNEW
RICK PERRY HAD BEEN BEHIND A
BUSH, WHAT KIND OF EVIDENCE
WOULD YOU LOOK FOR?
>> TRACKS AND SCATS, ESPECIALLY
IF HE WAS SQUATTING BEHIND THE
BUSH AND THERE DIDN'T SEEM TO BE
ANY OTHER REASON FOR IT.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER COME
ACROSS THE SAC SWATCH SCAT
DROPPINGS?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO THEY LOOK
LIKE?
>> HUMAN BUT MUCH LARGER.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
DELICATE SUBJECT, BUT DO WE HAVE
ANY IDEA WHAT THE SCAT DROPPINGS
OF RICK PERRY WOULD BE?
>> I HOPE I NEVER FIND OUT.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU
IDENTIFY HIM?
WHAT'S THE HINT?
>> WELL, ONE OF THE VISUAL
DIFFERENCES IS THE RATIO OF THE
ARM LENGTH TO LEG LENGTH.
SASQUATCHES HAVE LONGER ARMS
PROPORTIONATELY AND SHORTER
LEGS.
>> Stephen: EVOLUTIONARILY,
WHY WOULD THAT BE AN ADVANTAGE?
DOCTOR, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA?
>> USUALLY YOU'RE ALWAYS WALKING
ON ALL FOURS PARTIALLY.
>> THAT'S CORRECT.
WHEN THEY'RE YOUNG THEY CAN
AMBULATE ON ALL FOURS EASILY AND
CLIMB HILLS QUICKLY.
>> Stephen: HE SAID AMBULATE
AND YOU SAID WALK.
FOR A LITTLE WHILE HERE, YOU GOT
THE NOBEL PRIZE, FOR JUST A
MOMENT THERE, HE WAS SMARTER
THAN YOU.
>> WELL --
>> Stephen: JUST FOR A MINUTE.
BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO ADMIT
AMBULATE IS A SMARTER WORD THAN
"WALK."
( LAUGHTER )
GENTLEMEN, WHAT'S YOUR BEST
ADVICE ON HOW TO FIND THIS
ELUSIVE MAMMAL?
( LAUGHTER )
YET ANOTHER DEAD END.
TWO OF THE SMARTEST MEN ON EARTH
AND PROFESSOR CHU OUT OF IDEAS.
IF ONLY I COULD REACH OUT TO
RICK PERRY DIRECTLY --
>> YOU SHOULD TRY IT.
>> Stephen: WE'VE TRIED.
HAVE WE ASK TO SIT DOWN WITH
HIM?
>> I THINK THAT'S SOMETHING WE
SHOULD PURSUE.
>> Stephen: WE HAVEN'T TRIED?
WE HAVEN'T CALLED?
MY APOLOGIES.
( LAUGHTER )
( DIALING )
( RINGING )
>> THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE
OFFICE TO HAVE THE SECRETARY OF
ENERGY.
OUR OFFICES ARE CLOSED.
PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AND
SOMEONE WILL GET BACK TO YOU.
( HOWLING )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: DON'T KNOW WHAT
THAT MEANS.
SECRETARY PERRY, YOU CAN RUN AND
YOU'RE ALSO GOOD AT HIDING.
BACK WITH A SPECIAL VINTAGE,
CONAN O'BRIEN!
