

The

Cheating

Wizard

Unfortunately Written by Andre A. Spence

Magical Cover Illustration by Leonardo A. Ariza

Copyright © 2013 by the author

Smashwords Edition
Contents

Chapter 1

The Holy Father

Chapter 2

Evil Mad Scientist

Chapter 3

Magical City Siege

Chapter 4

Wonderland of Sand

Chapter 5

Cake of Life

Chapter 6

The Strongest Enemy

Chapter 7

Crystal Miracle

Chapter 8

Flaming Axe Demons

Chapter 9

Ultimate Master of Magic

Chapter 10

The Cheating Wizard

STOP!!! Before you begin...

Unlike  The World's Strongest Gambler, this story will break as many laws of physics as possible. In other words, it will be a severe case of magical bullshit. I know, I know, a guy like me writing about magic? Yeah, it will be the purest form of madness for sure.

I happen to think writing magical stories take little imagination, and barely any skill, since instead of describing anything significant, I can substitute the word 'magic' and make it all 'real' somehow. If you're already feeling insulted, dear god... RUN AWAY, FAST! And if you're crazy enough to stick around, here's what to expect:

0: You'd have to be bat-shit crazy to still be reading this.  
1: There will be no logic here, and locations will make no sense.  
2: This story will be very inconsistent... you know, like normal stories {to be fair, this story is approximately 800.8135 quadrillion times more inconsistent}. You will probably suffer brain damage.  
3: A LOT of generic themes and characters will be used, with slight changes & never-before-seen magical twists! Oh joy, slight changes!  
4: Magic, and made-up science will be used to explain everything.  
5: The events of this story are not to be taken seriously. Why bother writing this? Well, some people actually believe in magical bullshit.  
6: If you are a religious person... DO NOT read this story, or you'll have your life destroyed by The Cheating Wizard  =   
7: Unlike T.W.S.G, there will be a strong use of fucking language!

Are you CRAZY enough to begin? Go to the next page!
Chapter 1

The Holy Father

Long ago, before the dawn of magical bullshit was invented... there was nothing. But before that, there was a stereotypical 14-year-old teenager named Suzy. Suzy had bulging biceps, long flowing purple hair, rippling muscles, stood at over 6 feet tall, wore a tight black costume... and had a huge bulge. Despite his obvious young age, Suzy was somehow a fully grown man with age-old wisdom, and was the manliest of men!

While angrily floating around the empty cosmos one day, Suzy decided to create our known universe. Following an aggressive glare of his eyeballs, everything exploded through empty space with a cosmic flash, and billions of years sped by in 2 seconds. Life was then conveniently detected nearby on planet Earth, so he decided to teleport there to see what's up. He arrived in Hong Kong, and was immediately run over by a passing ice-cream truck.

Year 2013

Several onlookers rushed over to his destroyed body, and began gawking at his disfigured presence.

"Suzy! Our Lord and Savior! Do you speak English? Are you okay!?" asked a worried, and surprisingly ugly fat lady. Just like that, Suzy fixed his body back to normal, and stood up on his feet. A mystical red cape now covered his back, and he now emitted a golden glow to show off his godly powers.

"What the fuck? Where is this!?" asked Suzy, looking over his shoulders. Everything around him looked normal... how terrifying!

"You're in Hong Kong England, so we all speak English," an ugly fat man answered him.

"What!?" asked Suzy in disbelief. "This can't be... you're too ugly to be in existence! And how the hell was a God crushed by a random truck!?" he screamed out.

"Hey mister, are you a superhero?" a little girl asked him.

"Stupid child, I am a God!" After responding, he instantly flew through the air, and proceeded to teleport to downtown Texas.

"Whew, finally, some friendly Mexicans!" said Ricky, spotting a nearby crowd of farmers. {He changed his name, since he had a new origin story. He was born on Mercury, and got superpowers after being struck by a passing solar flare}. The crowd of farmers turned in his direction, and instantly began firing their shotguns.

"Get outta here ya goddamn Demon!" shouted one of the men. Their bullets bounced off his chest, and sped back to blow their heads off; releasing the delicious vitamin gummies from within.

"Hahahaa! Crime doesn't pay!" Suzy shouted into the air. "I need a sidekick..." He thought of the perfect sidekick, and a man materialized in front of him.

The man wore blue jeans, a white t-shirt, white sneakers, and was the same height as Ricky. Phazon Thunder {the man's name} had green eyes, and his hair was green as well. Phazon was built like an Ox, and looked as if he was ready to start a fight.

"Phazon! Ready to go on a destructive mystical adventure!?"

"Wait a minute... Contra, this isn't the original dialogue we had! What the fuck is going on!?" asked Phazon, running around in circles frantically.

"Quiet, Max!" Ricky said with a wave of his right hand. "Play along for a bit... and let 'em think this is how the real original story went..."

"Jesus... The Cheating Witch really fucked with the beginning of the old story, didn't she?" asked Phazon with a shake of his head.

"Max! Spoilers, man!" said Ricky with a frantic wave of his hands. "Ahem... anyway, back to the original dialogue: we're going to a random made-up city in France... called Marksburgesburg!"

An instant later...

After teleporting to Marksburgesburg, they found themselves in the middle of a busy street.

"Shit! Look out!" said Phazon, rushing to Ricky's side. Phazon punched him through the air, and was in turn run over by a passing manure truck. Ricky flew to Phazon's destroyed body, and began crying his eyes out.

"Noooo! Phazon... I'll have to pay for your funeral!" A crowd of people began gathering around them, and started taking pictures.

"This shit's going up on YouTube!" an angry-looking black man shouted out. With the threat of viral pictures, the situation was getting out of control... so Ricky decided to restart the universe.

A second later...

Ricky was standing in the middle of the street, with Max by his side. {He decided to change his sidekick's name; Phazon Thunder was too long, and sounded way too generic}.

"Max, you're alive!" Hector shouted out. {He changed his name again because of his new origin story. As it turned out, Hector was an ordinary Mexican man living on Earth, until one day he fell into lava... giving him fire powers with the knowledge of the universe}.

"Finally, I have my old name back..." said Max with a heavy sigh. Hector flashed him a warning glare in return, so he returned to the original script. "Whoops! I meant to say: yeah, I need to get to work, bye, Joe!" he called out with a wave. {Hector changed his name to Joe a second ago, since Hector died in a car crash 7 years ago, and he wished to forget about his tragic past}.

"Work? Oh yeah, I'm late for my yearly butcher meeting in New York!" said Joe, pulling a two-piece suit out of thin air. He quickly placed it on, and began looking around for a nearby taxi.

"Joe, use the fish transport!" Max suggested.

"Right, we have to save the universe!" said Joe, raising his fists into the air. "The Master of Magic.... he needs to be stopped!" Joe looked to his right, and sees the fish bus rolling by his right side. It was... well, a large bus made out of a large Bluefin Tuna.

Max teleported away, and Joe began chasing down the large bus. The bus was moving at over 20 mph; much too fast for him to catch up with even though he had godly powers.

"No! I'll be late for work!" Joe tapped into his scientific powers given to him by Nexus Infinity -a character introduced in the second story-, and activated the rocket boots attached to his feet. He quickly flew past the bus, and crashed through several high-rise buildings before teleporting to his meeting.

A second later...

He was inside the meeting room on the 679th floor of the Gigantica building, and was busy lecturing the mean old men wearing suits sitting around the long oval table.

"-and remember guys... you can't let that son of a bitch Max get away with this!" said Joe, triumphantly raising his right hand in the air. The room filled up with applause, and the guys began bobbling their heads like robots. In the last second, entirely off camera, Max had destroyed all of Russia using his Devastating Rocket Punch.

"But Ronaldo Phoenix... how can we defeat Max?" asked an old man wearing a generic suit. {Joe was now Ronaldo Phoenix; he changed his origin story again. He was once a poor Asian man, who suddenly came into riches after his rich American uncle died. His uncle donated the money to him for the sake of convenience, along with a magical pair of glasses that gave him superpowers}.

"I don't know... Max is all-powerful; he created the universe after all," said Ronaldo, removing his glasses. "But, we can't give up hope. If we don't stop Max... he will destroy the entire multiverse!" Again, the room was filled with applause. Beyond his Devastating Rocket Punch, Max knows another destructive magical attack which once activated, can destroy the entire multiverse in 5 seconds.

Ronaldo flew through the glass window, and began speeding towards Spain to find Max. After moving 800 times the speed of light, he arrived there in minus 5 quadrillion years. In this time period, the Earth hadn't formed yet, and he was in empty space. Max was seen standing off into the distance, and had a magical pink aura surrounding his body.

"Maaaaax! Why!? Why did you destroy space-time!?" Ronaldo shouted out through empty space.

"Because... I hated everything. I hated the people, I hated their ideas... I even hated the cute kittens!" said Max through tearful eyes. Ronaldo began tearing up as well, and teleported to Max's front.

"We were best friends, Max... why did you have sex with my imaginary girlfriend to stir up emotional drama!? You evil monster! You killed that small child! You destroyed an entire African village! And, and... you destroyed the galaxy!" Ronaldo began shouting out random evil offenses, none of which had actually taken place.

"What the fuck are you talking about!? I never did any of that!" Max protested.

"Lies! I saw you, I was watching you... but I chose to be a dick and do nothing about it!" said Ronaldo, smashing his fists together. He then materialized a red cape out of thin air, and placed it on the back of his business suit. Max changed his appearance as well, and began wearing a large power armor, silver in color.

Following a random clap of lightning, they flew towards each other at the speed of light, and were ready to begin their destined fight!

Elsewhere...

While Ronaldo and Max conveniently engaged in deadly combat off camera, Cindy Dawson was busy making breakfast inside her posh hotel somewhere in New York. Because of the small space, the kitchen was near the bedroom. Her lesbian girlfriend Elizabeth was fast asleep, and was tossing around the bed back and forth.

"My boobs are getting tired..." said Cindy, jiggling her tits to the left and right. She wore nothing to cover her torso, and wore a pair of gold short shorts. The smell of burning eggs was beginning to fill the air, so she quickly flipped them over, and expertly spilled the oil outside the saucepan; causing it to fall inside the lit stove.

"Oh no... how clumsy of me!" she yelled out. The stove burst into flames, and she began running around in circles to avoid putting out the fire. "Someone help! There's a fire!" With no help in sight, she decided to make a break for the window. Even while being 400 feet in the air, she knew she would conveniently survive the fall.

"Wait, Cindy! Don't leave me behind!" her girlfriend called out.

"Bitch, you never helped me pay rent!" Cindy shot back. She quickly dived through the window, and began free falling through the cold morning air. Right before she hit the ground, a large flatbed truck packed with pillowcases conveniently appeared beneath her body; just like she planned. She crashed into it, and turned her head to look at the burning building.

Elizabeth's screams were heard, and then the entire floor of the building exploded with a titanic explosion that rocked the entire city.

"Noooo! Elizabeth!" said Cindy, flying off the side of the truck. She flew to her room on the 40th floor, and looked at the burning remains of her lesbian girlfriend. "Why did this happen!? It's all Ronaldo's fault... that fucker!" She ascended to her second form due to her anger, and grew her black hair to the length of planet Earth.

Her hair destroyed the entire planet as a result, and she rocketed through space towards where she felt Ronaldo's presence.

"You evil bastard... you'll pay for destroying my planet!" she screamed out as she flew at over 80 billion miles per hour.

Elsewhere...

Ronaldo and Max were still locked in a deadly struggle, and were both repeatedly exchanging high-speed magical blows that shattered dimensions, and tore apart the surrounding space.

"Give up, you stupid asshole!" said Ronaldo, sending a series of punches crashing into Max's face.

"Never! I am the ultimate force of justice; I will fear no evil... FOR THOU ART WITH ME!" Max erupted with purple magical energy, and transformed his power armor into a mechanical dragon.

"That's impossible!" said Ronaldo, flying away with fear. "You summoned the Legendary Imperial Thunder Dragon!?"

"That's right! I found the magical book of summoning when I was fighting you off camera just now!" said Max, punching into the dragon's head for it to shoot out its ultimate weapon.

While Ronaldo flew away as fast as he could, he chanced a look behind his back, and saw the dragon spit out a large Tyrannosaurus, which then spit out several thousand tigers straight for his direction.

"No! Friendly Tigers!? My one weakness!" Ronaldo cried out. The tigers quickly reached his position, and began clawing away at his back. He quickly stopped flying away, and began punching the tigers in their opened jaws. There was just too many of them... no matter how many tigers he destroyed with each blow, they seemed to fill the gap almost immediately!

"Hahaha! I've got you beat!" said Max triumphantly. "No one can defeat the awesome magical powers of Ten Trillion Tigers!"

"I never wanted to do this..." Ronaldo began saying. While surrounded by the tigers, he began gathering the mystical energy inside his fists. "UNIVERSAL PUNCH OF DESTRUCTION!" Following a massive right hook, Ronaldo punched with the force of 800 trillion exploding universes, and vaporized the attacking tigers.

The blackness of space around them collapsed as a result, and then reset itself to put them back into empty space. Everything but the two combatants was gone from sight.

"You fool!" said Max, quickly speeding towards him. "You destroyed the entire multiverse just to kill my Ten Trillion Tigers!?"

"No, I sensed an incredibly powerful lesbian approaching; she was threatening to destroy the universe!" Ronaldo protested.

"What!?" said Max, quickly putting on a loose-fitting business suit while speeding towards him. "Who is capable of destroying the entire infinite universe!?"

"Me!" shouted a woman's voice behind them.

"It's her!" said Ronaldo, pointing towards the approaching half-naked woman. "It's Cindy... Destroyer of Worlds!" She sped to the middle of both men, causing Max to stop his advance.

"Why is she naked!? We don't promote this stuff in this story!" Max pointed out with a worried voice.

"I'm not naked! Just like those other comic book heroines, I'm wearing my ultimate armor, so it's practically invisible!" said Cindy, pointing to her clearly naked body.

"Is this the Legendary Glass Body-painted & Transparent armor!?" asked Max with a horrified look.

"No, Max... the LGBT armor is from the 3rd book, remember?" Ronaldo pointed out "This one's still the Universal Skin Armor!" U.S.A had the power to survive the end of the cosmos, and granted the user complete control of every other superhero powers in known existence, and even those not thought into existence yet.

"What!? That's bullshit! Magical bullshit!" Max yelled out. He flew towards her, and tried ramming his right fist into her back.

"No, it's science!" Cindy protested. "Just because you can't explain it now, it doesn't make it magic!" Despite the fact that Max was only a sliver of a moment away from striking her, and she took the time to say several lines of dialogue, she flew out of Max's path somehow, and snapped her right finger. Just like that, the ultimate force of justice, Max, was erased from existence.

"Maaax! Nooooo! You didn't pay for your last funeral!" Nobu Matsumoto shouted out. {As usual, he changed his name due to his new origin story. This time, he was the head of the financial regime in Japan, and was a power hungry mogul with mystical powers}. Cindy was crazy... she needed to be stopped!

"I have no choice-o!" said Nobu, powering up to launch his ultimate attack.

"Wait! Why is the chapter more than 10 pages!? This couldn't happen in the original story!" Cindy pointed out.

"Don't you DARE deviate from my new script! It makes the initial opening chapter a lot better than the last shit you had!" a mystical woman's voice shouted from the cosmos all around them.

"What a bitc- fine!" said Cindy with an angry look. She then cleared her throat, and continued with the original dialogue. "No! His ultimate attack!? How can this beee!?" she shouted out. "Nobu, don't do it! Remember when we were small children, and I saved you from that ugly girl!? Hey-! Stop powering up you little shit!"

"Never!" Nobu shouted back in a childish act of defiance.

1 billion years later...

After powering up to his maximum, Gerry was finally ready to launch his ultimate attack. {With his new origin story, he was now a shoe salesman named Gerry Walters. Oddly enough, he got magical powers after drinking from a $5,000,000 cup of overpriced coffee}.

"It's time to launch my ultimate attack! So you're too late to stop me from powering up even if you tried!" Gerry shouted out.

"Oh no... If only I attacked you when I had the chance, instead of waiting around like a dumbass..." she said with a roll of her eyes.

"Mega Colossal Giga Thunder Reality Destroying Punch!" he yelled out at the top of his lungs. He slowly began flying towards her though empty space, and then slammed his right fist into her left breast to erase her, and the remaining chapter from existence.
Chapter 2

Evil Mad Scientist

*After his crushing defeat to Cindy in battle, Gerry used a simple thought to return the universe back to the way it was.*

Being the generous man he was, Gerry forced Max to follow him on a perilous train ride straight through the Bermuda Triangle. The train was speeding across the open sea, and there were several skyscrapers sticking out from the deep waters all around them. Due to his recent business merger, Gerry owned half the world's money, so he was able to afford the ridiculously overpriced first class seats valuing over 5 trillion dollars each.

"Man, what a nice view," said Max, crossing his legs before stretching out his arms. He wore a bright yellow suit, and had his black hair fixed into braids. Gerry wore a white suit, and had his polished bald head fixed into a shaved hairstyle.

"Yes indeed," Frank answered simply. {He decided to change his name to Frank Powers... since he had a new origin story. Frank awoke one day in a barren wasteland, with no memory of who he once was. All he knows... is that he seems to have superpowers, and is on a quest to find the Holy City}. As he looked around the room, he noticed that they were the only ones inside the lead train car.

"What's up?" asked Max, settling back down into his seat.

"What the shit...? Where the hell are we!?" asked Frank.

"Somewhere south of Wales, I think... why?"

"I forgot what the hell we're doing out here... how the hell are we traveling over the water like this!?" asked Frank, quickly getting to his feet. "Quick! We need to escape!"

"No! If we abandon the train before we reach the last stop, we'll destroy the universe!" Max got to his feet after he finished speaking, and punched Frank through the nearby side wall. The two crashed outside, and rolled along the top of the water momentarily before turning their legs into flippers. They then began swimming down towards the secret facility, where a mad scientist was said to hold the secrets of saving the universe.

"Max, we're getting close!" Frank pointed out.

"Watch out, it's a Thunder Shark!" Max yelled out suddenly. He rushed in front of Frank's front, and the mad shark rammed through Max's chest... killing him instantly.

"Max! Noooooo!" Frank erupted with anger, and punched the shark out of existence. He then placed his hands over Max's dead body, and released a beam of healing light. The light covered his fallen friend, and burned him to a smoldering crisp inside the water.

"Phew! That was a close one!" said Max, wiping the sweat from his face while underwater. His wounds were miraculously healed.

"Yeah. Whoa, look at that!" Frank pointed towards a dome-shaped underwater building.

"It's the secret facility!" Max exclaimed aloud.

The two quickly swam directly above it, and kicked through the glass dome with their flippers. They then began free falling through the empty air, and the broken glass was magically sealed shut behind them. After landing on the ground, they rushed towards the 4,000-mile-long building.

"It'll take forever to find him!" Frank pointed out.

"No it won't... just follow these conveniently-placed glowing arrows!" Max pointed towards a line of arrows on the ground, which seemed to point towards the exact location of the scientist. The two rushed towards the front of the colossal building, only to find a normal-sized glass door blocking their path. There was a sign placed on its front, which read: Extremely fragile and breakable glass.

"Shit! It's an unbreakable force field!" Frank pointed out. "We need to split up; meet me somewhere inside this facility!"

"Alright, I'll go around the back!" said Max, breaking into a slow jog. After Max disappeared from sight, Frank kicked through the fragile glass door, and stepped inside.

"Damn, I used all of my mystical energy to open that door... I'll need to be careful of these traps conveniently indicated by these red arrows..." There were random red arrows on the walls, which had the word "obvious trap" written above them. He carefully walked through the narrow steel hallway, and noticed that the ceiling suddenly expanded high above him. Suddenly, a large humanoid robot rushed out from the left wall, and sped straight for his location.

It stood over 70 feet tall, and was red in color. There was a large gun inside its right hand, and a shield inside its left.

"Intruder detected!" it said aloud.

"This can't be! I'm hopelessly trapped!" Frank yelled out. He reached inside his pocket, and pulled out a glass of water. "Take this, vile creature!" He tossed the glass of water through the air, and it smashed into the robot's chest.

"Curses! Broken glass... my one weakness!" the robot yelled out. It then shattered into a million pieces, and vanished into thin air.

"What a tough battle... I wonder how Max is doing?"

Elsewhere...

Max had finally reached behind the building, only to be greeted with an impossibly large steel door.

"What the fuck!?" This is bullshit!" he yelled out. If only Frank was here... he could easily break down such a door.

"Max, you're still outside!?" Frank's voice called out behind him suddenly.

"Huh?" asked Max, turning to see Frank rushing towards him.

"Move, bitch! Get out the way!" Frank leaped in the air, and dived towards him head-first. Being the wise man he was, Max sidestepped in the nick of time, and allowed Frank to crash into the heavy door. Following a sickening thud, Frank's head exploded across the impossibly thick metal surface, and released the French vanilla coffee from within.

"Frank!? Nooooo!" Max yelled out.

Elsewhere...

Frank was busy making his way through the facility, and was moments away from reaching the mad scientist's room. He followed the glowing arrows on the floor, so he had no trouble finding the exact location. After finding the door, he kicked it down, and rushed inside the room. Suddenly, a large steel cage fell from the ceiling.

He was hopelessly trapped, and there was nothing he could do.

"No! How could this be!?" he yelled out.

"I've been expecting you... Barry!" the scientist shouted out. {Frank changed his name to Barry Peterson, because of his new origin story. He was born a poor Knight, and was raised by his mother. One day, she was killed by a mad scientist, so he swore his revenge after drinking a flask of magic}. The scientist wore typical scientist clothes, and had a wild-looking white mustache. He was also bald, unlike Barry, who had long flowing golden hair.

"I've finally found you, Doctor Mad Scientist! You killed my mother, Petunia!"

"Yes! It was me! And now I have you!" The scientist removed a small remote from his hand, which had a single red button placed in its center. "With the simple press of this button, I can zap you into the next dimension!"

"Lies! That remote has no batteries!" Barry pointed out. The mad scientist grew panicked, and began checking to see if he was telling the truth.

"Oh my! You're right!" said the scientist. He then rushed out the fancy-looking laboratory, and disappeared from sight.

A second later...

Max conveniently arrived after the scientist left, and began looking for the key to open the steel cage.

"Quick, he'll be back any minute! You need to BE QUIET!" Barry yelled out at the top of his lungs.

"OKAY! I WON'T MAKE A SOUND!" said Max, flipping over several large tables. Random science beakers were placed on top of them, which exploded with puffs of colorful smoke after they struck the floor. "I FOUND THE KEY!" Max yelled out suddenly.

"Good, hurry up, I can hear the scientist's footsteps!" said Barry, punching into the steel cage repeatedly. Max rushed towards the cage lock, but then the scientist walked into the room just as suddenly with a frantic look on his face.

"What are you doing!?" asked the scientist, rushing to Max's front. "One step closer to that cage... and I'll press this button!"

"Do it, faggot!" Max challenged him.

"WHAT!? Don't do it!" Barry yelled out. The scientist pressed the button anyway, and Barry was zapped into another dimension.

An instant later...

Barry was standing outside the steel cage, and was inside his transformed state. His body was surrounded by a mystical white energy, and his body was made of solid gold.

"Evildoer! You shall not defeat one that is good!" said Captain Golden Beautiful. {For his new origin story, he was struck by a stray comet while in deep space one day... and it granted him cosmic powers}. He raised his right palm towards the scientist, and released a beam of magical energy. The beam of energy passed all the way through the planet, and caused it to explode like a bursting balloon.

"Maaaaaax! Noooooooo!" Captain Golden Beautiful yelled out. He reversed time, and went back seconds before he fired his beam of energy. "Evildoer! I shall be victorious this time!" He sped towards the scientist, and rammed his right hand through his midsection. The scientist died instantly, and then his soul was seen leaving his body.

"Thank you for saving me," the soul began saying. It resembled a balding transparent ghost.

"Too spooky for meeee!" Max yelled out. He rushed outside the room, and was heard speeding through the hallways; expertly setting off several explosive traps along the way.

"I have a bomb capable of destroying the entire universe over there, you should stop it from exploding," said the soul in a casual manner, who then vanished into thin air.

"Shit!" Captain Golden Beautiful yelled out. He quickly spotted the nearby bomb, which had recently begun its countdown.

"Warning, 30 seconds until detonation," said a mechanical voice somewhere inside the device.

"Not if I can help it!" Captain Golden Beautiful stopped time around the devise, and then summoned Max back inside the room using a simple thought. "Max! Warn the people of Earth... tell them to advance their technology... and escape from the universe!"

"I understand! Leave everything to me!" Max then vanished into thin air, and left Captain G.B standing alone inside the room.

"I need to prepare, in case things go bad..." he said aloud to himself. He flew straight up, and tore through the ceiling of the building. Captain G.B then passed through the glass dome covering the facility, and then rocketed through the deep ocean. Afterwards, he sped through the air, and quickly found himself in outer space.

There was a random legend he knew of, it was one he was often told as a small child growing up in Scotland.

"I must find the 8 magical orbs of life... it's the only chance the planet has!" He looked towards the sun after he spoke, and randomly decided that he would find the first magical orb of life there.

A second later...

After flying several times the speed of light, he reached the sun, and flew near its center. Surprisingly, despite what modern scientists believe, the sun's core was actually a gigantic block of ice. Through fission, not fusion reactions, the sun's released energy is converted to heat after the inner atomic plasmids become superheated.

"This can't be...! The orb of life was turned into ice!" he yelled out in a panic. Since it was in the center of the sun's core, he would need to wait until it melts before he can obtain the orb of life.

Several billion years later...

The sun exploded, leaving behind the orb of life and vaporizing the remaining solar system. He grabbed the tiny glowing cube inside his right hand, and shoved it inside his bottomless right pocket given to him by the brilliant scientist, Nexus Infinity.

"Excellent! I need to find the next star before it's too late!"

He materialized a spaceship out of thin air, and began flying it full speed towards the next star 80 quadrillion miles away.

200,000,000,000 years later...

He arrived next to the other sun, and again flew inside its center. This time, the sun was in the midst of exploding, so he patiently waited as the cosmic blast washed over his invincible body.

"Hahaha! It's as cold as ice!" he laughed at the exploding star. After hearing his remark, the exploding star stopped exploding, and transformed into a gigantic fire dragon the size of the previous sun.

"How dare you insult me!" the dragon yelled out. It reared its head back, and began shooting out a blast of cosmic energy equaling the power of 6 centillion exploding suns!

"Nooooo!" Captain Golden Beautiful yelled out in a panic. He raised his magical block-it-all shield just in time, which shielded him from the beam of cosmic energy. The resulting space-time was torn apart, and left behind a supermassive black hole. He rushed to the black hole's center in response, and effortlessly grabbed hold of it using his right hand.

"What the-!?" the dragon exclaimed aloud. "You can defy the laws of physics!? That's impossible!"

"No it's not! I'm using my godly superpowers... not magic!" he shouted back with his raised left fist. "Just because I'm breaking the laws of physics without explaining it, doesn't make it magic! Now... face my Godly Justice!"

He threw the supermassive black hole towards the dragon, and it was sucked inside it instantaneously.

"I need to hurry before the bomb destroys the entire universe!"

20 trillion years later...

Captain Golden Beautiful was able to find the remaining 18 orbs after defeating 60 sun dragons, so he began speeding back to Earth. The universe was destroyed 99,999,998 times during his encounters, but it was fixed after he begged God to bring everything back to the way it was before each fight. He quickly teleported to Earth, and was standing high atop a mountain. The planet had advanced 1 million years into the future, and the people were setting out to abandon the known universe to escape the mad scientist's bomb's blast radius.

Max suddenly appeared by his left side, and flashed him a right thumbs up. They had arrived just in time to save the universe.

"Did you find the 20 orbs?" Max asked him.

"No, I only found 19..." said Jerry. {He changed his name due to his new origin story, but for the time being decided to keep his appearance. This time, he was using his computer one day at work, when he was sucked inside a virtual reality realm where everything was magically possible}. He walked to the edge of the mountainside, and tossed away the 19 glowing cubes.

"But why...? We could have used those to end world hunger!" said Max, diving off the side of the mountain after them. Little did Max know, but Jerry had just brought the entire cosmos back in time, and erased the bomb from existence in the process. In other words...

"Mission complete!" said Jerry, flashing a thumbs up towards the sun. The sun grew a gigantic red eye out of nowhere in response, and winked in his direction. An enormous solar flare was released as a result, which quickly sped towards Earth in a flash and roasted the entire planet. "Yeah! Hahahaa! Right back at ya, buddy!" said Jerry, winking his right eye at the sun.

He then dove off the side of the mountain, and fell towards the land below with a feeling of deep satisfaction.

Several moments later...

He crashed face-first into the ground... and died on impact. As it turned out, the ground didn't care that he was a godly superhero 

"Wait a minute!" said Cindy, appearing out of thin air above his destroyed body. The delicious candy had spilled from his insides, and littered the ground all around his and Max's nearby body. "Why the hell did this chapter get an extra page...? Is this going to be an ongoing trend in this revised stor-!?"

"CINDY! Stick to the script!" a booming female's voice interrupted. "Be a good girl and go to the next fucking chapter!"

"But you're ruining the realistic integrity of the original story!" Cindy protested.

"The people seeing this have no freakin' clue what you're going on about, so drop it, and save it for the 3rd book!"

"Tch!" Cindy hissed through her teeth. "Fine... but-!" using her cheating magic, The Cheating Witch ended the chapter before Cindy finished speaking.
Chapter 3

Magical City Siege

Several years after the 'universal bombing incident', Jerry and Max had relocated to the high-rise castle outside the southern Australian border. They were completely surrounded by water, and had several telescopes placed on the upper watchtowers. The strategically placed telescopes were of course used to spy on the bathing women across the water. Currently, the two were atop the castle, busy admiring the women splashing themselves along the sandy beach.

"Max, did our new butler arrive yet?" Jerry asked his sidekick. Jerry was dressed inside an old-styled knight's armor; it was super rusty, and heavily restricted his movements. Max wore a modern suit of armor; it was highly polished, and his large broadsword glistened in the sunlight.

"We called for him 2 minutes ago, why the hell would he arrive here already?" Max asked him. He slung his sword across his right shoulder, and turned around before vanishing into thin air.

"Oh, he's here!" said Sir Sanchez. {He decided to change his name just to fit the occasion. His new backstory is that he took over this castle at the age of 16, and to this day he stands watch over the universe atop the tower}. A traditional butler walked through the nearby wall, and approached him with his right hand held out. This man, whose name was Savage George, had a strange cup of tea atop his well-mannered head.

Surprisingly, no matter how much he danced and jumped into the air to demonstrate this point, the tea never spilled its contents.

"Good to meet you, sir!" said Savage, bowing his head instead of shaking Sir Sanchez's hand. The tea was turned on its side, yet it still never spilled its visible contents.

"What's this? Some kind of tea magic?" Sir Sanchez asked him.

"No, I am a highly trained butler; such things are easily possible after doing 5 million push-ups in 3 seconds."

"Wow! You're strong!" said Sir Sanchez, bowing to the man. Savage quickly moved towards the telescope, and peered through it.

"My gosh! The city's under attack!" Savage yelled out.

"What!? Move aside, amigo!"

As he looked through the glass, he sees the horrific sight unfolding before him. Little magical girls were seen flying all over the place, and blasting apart the city using their magical wands. They all had random colorful hairstyles, and wore cutesy skirts.

"Those little putas!" Sir Sanchez yelled out. "Amigo, quick, let's go cut their little guts out!"

"What about Max?" Savage asked him.

"It's just me and you today; he'll show up right in the nick of time to save us later on!"

"Understood, sir!" Sir Sanchez stabbed his rusty sword into the floor in response, and began chanting his teleportation spell.

"Please! Pleeeeease! Teleport meee! Por favoor!"

Inside the random unnamed city...

The two were instantly teleported, and was cast in the middle of the chaos. Little magical girls were flying all over the place, and seemed to be releasing millions of wild monsters across the city.

"Noooo! These monsters will destroy the universe!" Sir Sanchez yelled out. He quickly rushed to the nearest girl, and sliced her cleanly in two. Her severed body immediately released the bloodied guts held inside her, which splashed to the ground in a watery mess.

"Sir! You just killed an INNOCENT child!" Savage pointed out. "The magical girls release lemonade when you kill them, not blood!"

"Oh, fuck! These little putas all look the same to me!" Sir Sanchez said in a panic. "Hey, you think this will affect our ESRB? I know we've killed countless trillions of children off camera, but fuck man, heaven forbid we kill just one of these little shits on scre-"

"Not to worry, I'll handle them!" said Savage, cutting him off mid-sentence. The heroic and well-mannered butler rushed to his side, and began kicking the swarm of girls appearing out of thin air.

"Use your fists, man!" Desperado yelled out through the air. {Desperado Vengeance was born in the year 1337 A.D., and had protected the universe from rogue magical girls ever since. He is now dressed inside a large brown poncho, black pants and shirt, and uses large red colored boxing gloves as his primary weapons. With flowing brown hair, and a huge handlebar mustache... anything was possible}.

"I can't, Desperado!" Savage yelled out. "My savage fists can't be used to harm children!"

"Then use your head!"

"Understood!" Savage began smashing his head into the small girls' skulls, breaking them apart upon impact. The lemonade spilled outside their bodies after they died, and left behind a delicious scent in the air. "We can win this!"

The remaining girls scrambled away, and began waving their magical wands through the air in unison.

"Oh, cosmic powers... grant us the power to totally destroy the entire fucking multiverse!" they all chanted in demonic voices.

"Nooooo!" Desperado yelled out. He rushed to the pack of chanting girls, and began swatting them away to the left and right following each swing. They were all being blasted through the air, and subsequently crashed into the nearby buildings. Right when he was moments away from punching the final girl, she teleported out of harm's way, and hovered in midair.

"I'll summon the Almighty God!" she yelled out.

"You twisted bitch!" Desperado shouted back in return.

Reality ruptured, and a gigantic black hole appeared in the sky. Everything was being sucked inside it, including Desperado and Savage. They quickly passed through its infinitely black space, and found themselves surrounded by a land of fresh strawberries.

"God dammit!" he yelled out. The strawberry hills stretched on endlessly, and the air was filled with a sickeningly sweet aroma. Savage had a shocked expression on his face, and was frantically looking about.

"Where are we!? Is this Hell!?" asked the confused butler.

"I know this place..." Desperado began saying. "I created it 6 years ago when my lab experiment exploded, and created a rift in time. This unholy place... is the true birthplace of God." Desperado took a single step forward after he spoke, and an old man appeared before him. The man had a huge white beard, and his skin was the color of the nearby strawberries. He had huge bulging biceps, and wore a white bathrobe to cover his body.

"You again? I told you I'd pay you back next week!" said God, backing away with fear.

"Sorry, God, I'm here to collect my client's money. You can't keep the world's greatest bounty hunter waiting forever!" said Desperado, rushing towards him.

"You filthy faggot!" said God, rushing towards him with his arms outstretched.

"Stay out of this, Savage! I'll beat this old man's ass myself!" he said while rushing towards God, even though the time it took for him to speak his dialogue was infinitely slower than the speed he rushed forward, and he should have reached long before he even said a single word.

The two quickly neared each other, and threw consecutive right straights at the same time. Their blows slammed into each other's bodies, causing reality to collapse all around them. Desperado was an expert boxer, so he sent the same highly telegraphed, and thus easy to avoid left and right punches crashing into God's midsection. Each blow was powerful enough to shatter dimensions, and destroy entire universes with the resulting shock waves alone.

God recovered after a short while, and bit into his head using his razor sharp fang-like teeth. While Desperado was being bitten, God also grabbed a handful of dirt, and shoved it into his eyeballs.

"Dammit! You dirty fighting bastard!" Desperado yelled out with the sand stinging his normal human eyeballs.

"I'll do whatever it takes to win! Why do you think Suzy gave me the power to create this universe!?" asked God, blasting him with atomic-Jesus-level pepper spray... whatever the hell that is.

"Suzy!? You mean the godly being that created everything!?" asked Desperado in a panicked voice. Suzy was known across the multiverse as the one and only God of creation. He is said to have created this particular universe on an angry whim, and disappeared ever since the beginning of time.

"Yes, he is my father!" said God, smashing his godly forehead into Desperado's blinded face.

"That can't be... I am your father!" said Desperado. God immediately stopped his series of dirty attacks, and looked him square in the eyes.

"What the-! Dad!? What are you doing here!?" God brushed the sand off Desperado's face, and brought the universe back into existence following a wink of his right eye.

"I lost my powers of creation while I was fighting a powerful enemy off camera long ago... the Master of Magic."

"The Master of Magic banished you to this realm?" asked God with a confused look. Following a nod of Desperado's head, God continued speaking. "He resides in another universe, though, what in my heaven's name are you doing here?"

"Where is he? Just tell me the name real quick, and I'll teleport back there to continue the fight," said Suzy, adjusting his black costume. {For the sake of the story, he returned to being Suzy}.

"There's no time to tell you the name, even though I could have easily told you by the time it takes me to say all this! Get away from here as soon as possible!" said God with a hurried voice.

"You serious...? Wait... what's happening!?"

"That random city is under attack, remember!? You have to get back there to defend the universe!"

"You're right!"

Suzy teleported back to the realm of reality, and was instantly surrounded by the pack of magical girls.

"Hands off me, you vile creatures!" He released a burst of explosive energy, and reduced them all to ashes. However, the ashes quickly rose to the sky, and settled outside the reach of the planet's gravitational pull. The gathering of ashes grew brighter and brighter, until they had formed an entire sun.

"Nooo! My rose garden will be destroyed!" he yelled in a panic.

"Suzy!" Savage called out behind him. "We must gather the energy of the entire cosmos... it's the only way to stop them!"

"You're right!" said Suzy, raising his godly hands to the sky, "everyone... give me your souls!" he screamed out across the entire cosmos. Suddenly, his body was filled with a bright purple energy, which grew even brighter as the seconds passed by. He then flew through the air, and quickly slammed into the solid sun created by the ashes of the magical girls. The sun exploded with a terrifying celestial bang, and destroyed the entire solar system along with it.

3 seconds later...

After realizing his mistake, Suzy reversed time, and went back moments before he charged into the sun.

"Savage! Go get Max, we need his magical powers!"

"Right away, sir!"

Savage quickly equipped his soda rocket boosters to his back, and flew away faster than the speed of light.

{Soda rocket boosters are made by combining sugar with neutrons, and converting the resulting fusion force with Graphene. It is then able to produce an explosive force outside the rear cannons, which is why even though they are so small, they can propel Savage faster than the speed of light}.

Now that Suzy was left alone to face the sun, he began weighing his increasingly promising options.

"This is hopeless!" he yelled out suddenly. He quickly flew next to a nearby crumbling stone building's entrance, and walked through its doorway in a casual manner. "Phew, I'll be safe in here..."

Elsewhere...

Max was busy doing incredible God Training. He was high atop the castle, and was moments away from doing his 80,000,000th push-up.

"79,999,998!" said Max, straining with all his might to push off the floor. "79,999,999!" Max felt his arms breaking, but that won't stop him from finishing his training! "THREE!"

After shouting out, he collapsed onto the floor. His body had become so heavy after his years of training, that the entire castle collapsed under the strain of his weight. The castle then exploded because of the hostile molecules being released from his polished armor, resulting in a shock wave that destroyed the nearby beach filled with naked women.

"Fuuuuuuuck!" he cried out. "You bastards... you killed them!" he shouted into the air. Suddenly, Savage materialized out of thin air, and appeared in front of him.

"Come with me, sir! Suzy needs our help!" Savage extended his right hand towards him, and he grabbed it without a second thought. Suddenly, everything made sense when they clearly shouldn't have.

"Those magical girls will pay for the destruction of his castle!" Max yelled out with a fiery glow in his eyes. He increased his grip on Savage's hand, and sprinted towards the city while moving at over 160 billion miles per second. Help was on the way at last!

Elsewhere...

In a pathetic display of weakness, Suzy was holding up the entire sun in front of him while standing in outer space; trying desperately to prevent it from falling onto the planet below.

"I'll never surrender! You little shits won't defeat me like this!" he screamed through space. He could feel the sun pulling his body forward towards it, so being the wise man he was, he increased his strength accordingly to pull it back towards the planet.

"We are magical girls; we are the masters... we can see all!" said the collective voices of the small girls.

"Bullshit! I defeated the Illuminati 5 years ago!" he screamed out in a panic.

"We OWN you... and we will soon rule the entire universe!" they shouted back in demonic unison.

"Noooooo! I'll destroy the entire universe so you can't have it!" In an act of defiance, Suzy was attempting to destroy the universe to keep it away from the magical girl's hands. Suddenly, a powerful Ki blast sent him reeling backwards, and he slammed into the planet's surface after a single second. "What's this!? They've also mastered Ki; a variant of religious magic!?"

The sun began falling towards the planet now, which caused the nearby land to become extremely chilled. All around him, the man-made objects were being turned into frozen structures.

"Isn't there anyone who can conveniently stop this before it's too late!?" Suzy screamed into the air. As if to answer his desperate prayers, The Devil tore open the Earth, and stood by his side.

"I'm here to help!" said the strange red colored man.

"Devil! Thank God you arrived in time!" said Suzy, flashing him a thumbs up. Devil returned the gesture, and looked towards the sky with an excited look in his eyes.

"Hahaha! It's cold as hell!" he said with a quick laugh. His red horns began releasing red energy, which then enveloped his naked body. Suddenly, he jumped into the air, and shouted the name of his ultimate attack. "Super Omega Devil Blaster of Doom!"

A beam of red energy was released from his mouth, which blasted a hole through the approaching sun. The sun vanished just as suddenly, and then everything returned back to normal. Thanks to their efforts, the streets were clean, random people were passing by, and Devil was back to wearing his black business suit.

"Hey, mind if I stick around for the rest of the adventure?" Devil asked him with pleading eyes. After showing such a valiant display of justice, the answer was obvious to Suzy.

"Get the fuck away from me!"

Just like that, The Devil was again banished to the center of the Earth, and the world was saved from his evil, malicious ways.

"What's this...?" asked the booming voice of The Cheating Witch from above. "Hmm, no one asked why the chapter was longer this time? Good... my magic is finally taking its course! Hyahahahahaaa! Hey, whoever is seeing this message... enjoy the rest of the story! With my expert wisdom, it will be waaay better than the last sorry attempt! Remember, it's the small, yet effective changes that count the most when changing a sto-" this time, it was a powerful wizard's cheating magic that abruptly cut her off mid-sentence.

"Sorry, sister, but I'm putting an end to your annoying bullshit once and for all. No more interruptions; let the original story flow as it should, or there WILL be consequences in the 3rd book... mark my cheating words..." said the warning voice of The Cheating Wizard.
Chapter 4

Wonderland of Sand

*Suzy, Max, Cindy, and Savage got together a year after the last adventure was finished. They are now on vacation somewhere in Hawaii, on a long and wide stretch of sandy beach.*

As our four heroes sit idly by the beach front, with the gentle waves crashing against their toes, a sudden tremor was heard in the air. General Big Gunz {his new name, since his origin story was changed during the last second. He grew up in a rich family, joined the military, and took it over after 500 years of excellent service} removed the newspaper from his face, and spotted an enormous sand castle rising from the open waters. It reminded him of his old castle; the same one that Max destroyed while using his newest ultimate attack, Push-up Bomber of Justice XXXL.

"Does anyone else see this shit?" he asked with a casual tone. They were all dressed in beach apparel, with the men wearing red shorts, while Cindy opted to wear a skin colored string bikini. She still wore the U.S.A however, so her top still appeared to be bare. They were all arranged side by side, and were busy trying to soak in the sun's harmful rays.

"I see nothing out of the ordinary, sir," said Savage, tipping his teacup forward. The hot tea magically managed to flow inside his mouth, and he continuously slurped the endless liquid without fail.

"What do you see?" Max asked him.

"God, you guys are so dumb. Don't you see the giant tree rising up from the water?" Cindy pointed out.

"She's right, there's an enormous palm tree rising up... wait a minute!" said General Big Gunz, jumping to his feet. He repeatedly began flexing his muscles at the nearby passing women, who all giggled in appreciation of his manliness. "I'll be seeing you ladies later tonight!" he winked at them. They began screaming at once, and ran away from the beach in fright.

"General, look behind you!" Max yelled out suddenly.

"Calm down, man! We're here on vacation, remember...?" said General Big Gunz. He quickly sat down, and brought his newspaper back to cover his face.

"But... there's a ton of giant tree monsters being ejected from the 600 feet tall tree trunk..." Max protested in a near whisper.

"I said ignore it! Let the people fend for themselves for once!" he snapped at his sidekick. He pretended to fall asleep, and began snoring loudly on purpose. Using the outer-body-vision technique he developed while fighting wild gorillas, he began observing the chaos unfolding outside their invincible armored sleeping tent; one that suddenly materialized around them a second ago.

Thousands of gigantic Treants {those humanoid tree people things} were busy attacking the beachgoers. They were being torn limb from limb by the Treants, and their destroyed bodies began contaminating the once beautiful beach front.

"Fucking trees! Get out of here!" he shouted out with his eyes firmly closed.

"Sir, shouldn't we be helping the remaining people?" asked Savage with a worried look.

"No! Let's just wait till they're all dead, then we won't have to save anybody," General Big Gunz suggested.

"Wow, that's a great idea!" Cindy exclaimed aloud. Everyone began nodding their heads in silent agreement.

Moments later...

The Treants killed the last remaining 10 million people on the beach, leaving behind a soup-like mass of blood and guts all around their invincible armored tent.

"Shit... I'm scared to go out there," said General B.G. "Max, I vote you go outside to see what's going on."

"What!? Let Savage do it, he's the butler!" Max protested.

"No! I am a refined gentleman; I can't get my red shorts bloodied!" Savage pointed out.

"He's right!" said Cindy, getting to her feet. "Max is the only one wearing white shorts, he has more to lose!"

"What!?" said Max, angrily getting to his feet. He brushed the sand away from his waist, and as it turns out... she was right. Max was buried before, so no one really knew what color shorts he was wearing. They all assumed it was red.

"Ha! You lose!" said Cindy, sitting back down. Max used his superpowers to walk through the armored wall, and disappeared from sight. He was heard screaming seconds later; it appeared he had stumbled onto something!

"Max!?" everyone yelled out at the same time. Max rushed back through the walls, and was covered from head to toe with entrails.

"Everything's fucked up out there!" he explained to them. "And worst of all... the Treants launched a nuclear strike on Greenland!"

"Nooooo!" General Big Gunz cried out. Things were getting out of hand, so he returned the world back to the way it was, and teleported somewhere in India. He decided to leave his friends behind in the other dimension; he needed to take care of things by himself for a while. {He changed his name to Brahma Calahma to fit the occasion, since he had a new backstory. Brahma was once a poor farmer growing up in the old country, until he inexplicably gained cosmic superpowers after drinking spoiled camel milk. He's been on a selfish mission ever since to drink the world's supply of milk}.

He was dressed inside his favorite black business suit, and stood in front of a group of desperate-looking old men inside a high-rise office building.

"What happened to the factory!?" he asked with a thunderous voice. The men began muttering to themselves all at once, and then the oldest man from the bunch spoke out.

"Boss, there's a powerful warrior from the East. He's destroying our crops!"

"This can't be... damn it all!" Brahma yelled out. The other old men randomly began smashing their heads into the long oval table in response. "What else did this warrior do!?"

"This is just a rumor..." General Abdul Mollamabama began saying. "But I heard he also stole 5 bowls of soup from the vendors! He even killed 3 men in the process!"

"Sons of filthy bitches! Fire the goddamn nukes!" said Brahma, slamming his closed right fist onto the table.

"Here, I conveniently brought the launch devise with me!" said General Abdul Mollamabama.

"Good work, General Mollamabama," said Brahma, reaching for the devise. "Let me press the button!" The room filled with old men began protesting at once.

"Boss! You need to wash your hands first!" said a generic-looking old man wearing a business suit.

"But... the only water faucet is located in the East... where that powerful warrior is said to be wreaking havoc," General Abdul Mollamabama pointed out.

"What, don't think I can survive the war?" asked Brahma. He turned around, and began giving his idea of a dramatic speech before leaving to wash his hands. "You know, it's not just water I'm after... that warrior you guys speak of... is the same man who killed my loving mother... Betty!" The room filled with old men gasped at the horrific revelation.

"In that case... we'll go to war!" the oldest old man pointed out before getting to his feet. He then dropped dead from his excitement.

"Damn! He was our best fighter... I have no choice!" said Brahma, diving through the high-rise window. After crashing through it, a gust of wind blew into his body, and carried him 2,000 miles to the East in barely 5 seconds. Because of the corrosive properties of the wind, his shirt and upper suit was ripped off, leaving behind only his bulging muscles. Now, all he had left was his extremely polished pair of black pants, and a pair of black shoes.

"Whoa! So this was where my future look came from!" said Contra with a look of amazement, completely breaking character. "Man... I think I'll get Nexus to make me some new clothes for the 3rd book, because this is just-" before he could finish his statement, a silent, yet powerful cheating magic brought the story back on course.

He was in the middle of an unknown desert, so naturally a random sandstorm kicked in from nowhere. Seeing as though he could only move forward, he shielded his eyes using his left hand, and began pressing forward. Brahma had no idea where he was going, or what he was after... but he was here, and that was all that mattered.

5 years later...

While traveling through the endless desert, he got news from a passing ice cream truck that tried to run him over, that World War 21 had just begun. Apparently, it was beginning in the small village up ahead, where several billion armed men were stationed with super high-tech weaponry.

"I must stop them... or else the entire village will be destroyed!" Brahma shouted out through the gusting wind.

Suddenly, the wind died down, and an army of approaching wooden pushcarts was seen filling the distant horizon. A man was placed inside each cart, and another man was seen behind it, pushing it forward. The carts were each equipped with pulsar laser cannons, which were capable of shooting holes through the distant sun.

"Nooo! I'm outmatched!" said Brahma, falling to his knees. He then got back up, and rushed towards the first wooden cart 80,000 miles away.

"With the two of us fighting, there's no way we'll lose!" said Savage, rushing along his right side.

"I'll take the sky; you take the land!" Brahma suggested. Savage had been walking beneath the sands the entire time, so he was used to being at ground level.

"Will my teacup get damaged!? It's not insured!"

"Just pray... and fight well!" said Brahma, taking to the skies. As he reached high into the atmosphere, he looked down to see Savage materializing an enormous rocky mountain out of thin air, before throwing it towards the approaching army of soldiers. The soaring mountain was blasted apart by a nuclear explosion, and a muffled "Nooooo!" was heard screaming out below. Could it be... did Savage lose his teacup?

"I need to help him! Magical girls... please... HELP ME!" he screamed into space. The magical girls' energy gathered into his body, and temporarily gifted him the ability to summon passing asteroids. "Halakabalaa!" he screamed out. A hole in space was ripped open, and a 50-mile-wide asteroid came rushing out.

It quickly crashed into the side of the planet, and blasted apart a large portion of land in the process.

"Noooo!" he shouted out with frustration. He reversed time, and tried using another spell to defeat the wooden pushcart army. "Okay! Hakalabambaa!" This time, he tried summoning the sun to crush the invincible wooden foes below.

Not surprisingly, the sun effortlessly froze the atmosphere of the planet in an instant, and destroyed all life instantaneously.

"What!? Why does that keep happening!?" Brahma cried out with frustration. He reversed time once more, and decided against using the magical girls' destructive power after all. After pointing his arms towards the planet, he magically found himself flying down at the speed of light. Time was reversed along the way, so he arrived just in time to see the nuke blasting apart the soaring mountain.

It exploded with a blinding flash of darkness, and everything around him was reduced to a vast ocean.

"Nooooo!" Savage shouted out from nearby. "I can't swim!"

"Huh!? That's why you screamed earlier!?" Brahma asked him with a shocked expression.

"No... I tripped when I was running earlier... and face-planted into the sand..."

"Bahahahaha!" Brahma laughed aloud. Savage drowned shortly afterwards... as he was unable to reach his butler in time due to his excessive laughter. "Savage! Those bastards... they killed you!" He grew enraged, and his body erupted with a magical orange light.

Just then, a barrage of ICBMs was seen approaching from the distance, which all seemed to be coming straight towards him. He flew towards them in the blink of an eye, and punched away the first missile. It exploded, and he followed up his attack by using his left hook to slap away the resulting nuclear explosion. The explosion was blasted away from his position, and proceeded to set off the remaining nuclear weapons that dotted the sky.

"That's impossible... one of them was a dud!" he shouted out in a panic. The chained nuclear blasts tore apart the ocean, and reduced it to a barren wasteland once more. He felt his superpowers leave him all of a sudden, causing him to crash to the surface in a near instant. After painfully bringing himself back to his feet, he began scanning the nearby area for Savage's body.

Try as he might, he was unable to find his lost shirt and tuxedo.

"Savage... I'll find you! Those bastards will pay for kidnapping you!" he said with a raised right fist. "By the holy name of justice, I will prevail!"

500 years ago...

Brahma Calahma continued the search for his butler throughout the desert, but was unable to find him.

"He's nowhere... not in the past, present, future... argh!" he yelled out with frustration.

"Did you check under the fridge?" Savage asked him. He was standing next to Brahma's right side.

"No... I can't find one out here. I'll need to explore that destroyed city up ahead," said Brahma, pointing with his head towards a newly materialized ancient city.

"Sir... I can't believe it! It's the lost city of Egypt!" Savage needlessly pointed out.

"An Egyptian lost city? Shit... there might be mummies in there," said King James. {He had recently become King James, self-proclaimed king of the Egyptian streets. After struggling through poverty one day, he robbed a magical old woman who put a deadly curse on him... which of course blessed him with magical powers}.

"Mummies? That stuff's impossible," said Savage with a shrug of his well-mannered shoulders.

"Well, do you remember those movies? The mummy's curse is real... it's what killed Max..." After bringing up the name of his departed friend, King James collapsed onto the desert ground. "Dammit! I'm all alone out here! Max, Cindy, Savage... I'll break the mummy's curse, and bring you all back to life!" He gathered his resolve, and released a series of silent manly tears while staring at the beckoning city.

While looking straight ahead, a bellowing roar was heard filling the skies. The sounds seemed to be originating from the destroyed city itself.

"Are you challenging ME!? The great King James!?" he yelled out towards the ancient city. The bellowing roar stopped, and a loud booming voice was heard answering in its place.

"YES!"

"Whoa! Fuck that!" King James turned around, and began rushing away from the city at the speed of sound. Some things are not worth fighting... and some people just aren't worth fighting for.
Chapter 5

Cake of Life

*After saving the world from the threat of the Evil Mummy, Prince James {he lost his adult magic after the climactic fight with the mummy} decided to go back to school, and finish his studies.*

Prince James was in the middle of his Algebra class somewhere in Rhode Island, where he was busy taking a test he never studied for. He was dressed like all the other teenage children; casual blue jeans and a white t-shirt. It was the school's dress code. The only thing that made him stand apart from the other students was his large afro.

"Hey, psst!" he called out to a nearby girl.

"Mr. Hardknocks said to ignore you when taking tests..." the girl answered him. Mr. Hardknocks was the name of their teacher. He was an evil old man that fed small children at the local orphanage every day after school.

"Come on! I seriously need help with this question!" he yelled out. Somehow, no one else in the room heard him shout.

"Fine! What's the problem?" she asked him.

"Well... I've been asking you out for the last 6 months, but you keep giving me the cold shoulder," he answered with a shrug of his shoulders. He then bent lower to his desk, and began scribbling something on his answer sheet.

"Ugh! I told you a thousand times... I don't like guys like you!" she answered with a shake of her head.

"What? You don't like me because I'm black!?" he asked with an appalled voice.

"No you idiot... I don't like you because you're with the Defaggio Gang! Besides... have you taken a good look at me recently?" she asked him. The reason she said that... was because she was also black.

"Fine... tear my heart out some more, will ya? It's cool..." Prince James got up, and crossed over to the front of the classroom. He handed the test paper to Mr. Hardknocks, who quickly checked the answers in a flash.

"Well done, P.J! You aced it... again!" The old man got up from his desk, and began a slow clap. As a sign of respect, the other students also stood up, and continued the chain of applause. Prince James was the shining hope of the school; the only person in the school's history to get 100% on every single test.

None of this mattered though... because the one person he wanted to see clapping... the one person he cherished the most... was still seated. Actually, now that he thought about it... he never even knew the girl's name! No wonder she hated him!

"Noooo!" he shouted out suddenly. He rushed outside the room, and began running down the empty hallways. As he blindly rushed throughout the school, his cries of "Noooo!" echoed throughout the entire building. Everyone else inside the school knew what this unique alarm meant.

The head of the Defaggio Gang, Antonio Defaggio, was the first to rush to his left side as he continued wailing down the hall.

"Prince James! Is it time!?" Antonio asked him.

"Yeah! The school's being invaded by monsters!" he answered his friend.

"Shit! I'll go round up the other Defaggio's; hold them off until I get back!" Antonio rushed down the other hallway, and quickly disappeared from sight. Now... it was up to Prince James to save his school, and the love of his life... whatever her name was!

Moments later...

He crashed through the back wall of the building, and rushed into the school courtyard. There, he sees a gigantic portal opening near the front gate. Dozens of large monsters began rushing out, and released cries of anger as they stormed through the courtyard. After spotting Prince James, the group of muscular teenagers stopped dead in their tracks, and the leader stepped forward.

"We're taking over this planet!" the large muscular man shouted out. Confused? Well, these aren't actually monsters; they are the teens that go to Monster High. So... they are called monsters.

"Never! I love my girlfriend! I'll never allow you to get past me!" P.J shouted out. He removed his shirt, revealing his extremely scrawny and fragile frame. In the gym, he could barely bench press 10,000 tons. After seeing his muscles, the other muscular monsters began laughing in unison.

"Weak little boy! You'll never defeat us! Even if we chose to conveniently fight you one at a time!" the leader shouted out.

"Bring it!" P.J yelled out. He suddenly swelled his muscles to half their original size by using his muscle growth magic. The sight of this sent the other monsters into a panic, causing them to retreat. Now, only the leader remained.

"Hah! Think that scares me!? Your deflated muscles aren't fooling anybody!" the leader said in a challenging manner. He too halved his muscle mass, and then began rushing towards P.J.

The two began exchanging blows at lightning speed, until they were eventually crushed flat by the intensity of their own speed.

10 years later...

After fighting for several years, the two men were growing increasing tired, so they stopped fighting.

"Give it up, Demon!" said Angel. {Over the years, his body evolved due to his constant complaining, and he became Angel Saint, destroyer of evil. With his new name, comes the power to do whatever the hell he feels like doing if it's convenient for the story}.

"No! I will destroy this school, and your world!" Demon shouted back. Angel brushed his flowing red hair aside, and walked towards Demon in a dramatic manner.

"You bastard... are you challenging me to a Holy War!?" he asked Demon.

"My Demon Army will destroy you!" Demon leaped back, and removed the horns from his head. A dark mist was released from his head, which quickly enveloped the entire world in darkness. Angel quickly retreated to North America via teleportation, and then gathered his Holy Army together. His army consisted of generic-looking angels with white feathery wings.

For some strange reason, they all seemed to be releasing demonic black auras.

"Are you guys ready to fight!?" he asked them. Angel flew above his army of angels, and looked them over with uncaring eyes. The other generic angels began cheering, and then flew away in an instant; lighting up the dark world in the process. Being the leader, he would eventually need to fight, so he quickly teleported to a random city somewhere in America.

Here, the streets were lined with passing people, and the buildings were really tall. Angel grabbed his weapons of mass destruction, and immediately began to fight.

"Hey, you!" he shouted to a passing woman.

"What...!?" she answered him with a snappy voice.

"Do you believe in God? If not, you're going to hell!" he screamed into her face. The woman screamed in terror, and slapped him across his face with her novelty-sized purse.

"You unholy bitch! Repent in the name of my Lord and Savior!" He quickly strangled her until she could breathe no more. "Since you don't believe in my God... DIE!" Other nearby passersby stopped dead in their tracks, and began bowing down to him.

"We're sorry! We'll believe in your God! Just don't hurt us!" a random man shouted out while bowing repeatedly.

"Good! If you fuckers wanna go to heaven, make sure you donate to the church! And dedicate every day to worshipping the Almighty Father!" He threw his novelty-sized bible to the floor after he spoke, and began walking away with a triumphant smile on his face. Suddenly, he got an unexpected phone call from his newly materialized cellular phone. "Hello?"

"Angel Saint! We're being beat up by some nonbelievers!" a voice shouted out. It was his good friend, Antonio Defaggio.

"Impossible! You're being protected by the Crusaders, aren't you!?" Angel asked him.

"They were struck by lightning! It was almost as if a hand reached out of the sky, and threw it at 'em!"

"That's bullshit! Only God can throw lightning like that!" Angel shouted into the phone.

"Come quick, Zeus just declared war on us!" Antonio yelled out suddenly.

"Why is everything escalating so quickly!?" he asked his friend. His friend seemed to be in trouble, so he teleported to his last known location. Right when he arrived on the stairway to heaven, the stairs collapsed. The clouds were quickly incinerated, and in their place grew large expansive grasslands.

"Trespasser, begone!" a generic angel shouted in front of him. Angel rushed to his front, and savagely punched him in the gut. The angel exploded, and dirtied the grass with his vile strawberry liquid. Upon killing the evil foe, his magical powers conveniently left him.

Now, his only chance of getting back to Earth was to kill Zeus, and take back his angelic powers.

"Zeus... I'm comin' for YOU!"

He quickly broke into a speedy dash, and rushed across the barren grasslands at speeds approaching a taxi stuck in traffic. Another angel leapt to his front, and prevented him from escaping.

"Ha! I am stronger than the last angel! You'll never get past me!" The angel rushed towards him with his sword drawn, and stabbed him inside his chest. Angel ignored the wound, and pulled out the sword to stab the attacking angel. "No! I was stronger... impossible!" the angel cried out with his last dying breath.

"Fool! Demons like you will never defeat a true hero!" said Generic-Lightning-Hero. {After serving 5,000 years on Death Row in an American prison, he was killed by electrocution. He awakened with super lightning powers... because of magic}.

After defeating the last powerful hell demon, he flew through the air using his lightning powers, and began releasing lightning bolts across the land. As the grasslands caught on fire, thousands of demons were being burned alive in the process... it's a good thing! Suddenly, a large and powerful demon emerged from the ground, and began screaming through the air.

"I am stronger than the last demon! You will never defeat me!" it yelled out into the air. It resembled an ugly ogre, but it was clearly a demon. He released several bolts of lightning from his fingertips while floating above it, but they had no effect on the new demon.

"Noooo!" he shouted out with frustration. Since the new demon was stronger, his old powers would no longer work against it. No matter what... he will need to conveniently pull a new source of power out of his ass before it's too late!

Before he got the chance to transform, the demon quickly rushed towards him, and punched him across the grasslands using a right straight. He was knocked all the way back to the beginning. Every single bone in his body was broken, and he was seconds away from death. As he lay broken on the ground, he was suddenly reminded of the people he was fighting for.

"My girlfriend... my dear friends... I won't lose! I'll save the WORLD!" The apparently limitless power of love, friendship, and being a hero came over him... and he was instantly healed. By this time, the demon was seen tearing across the land while making its way towards him. It had ballooned to the size of a small mountain.

"What the fuck!?" Trey yelled out with horror. {He decided to change his name, because of his new origin story. Basically, he was run over by a magical horse one day, and it gave him superpowers}. He quickly removed the small pistol from his right pants pocket, and aimed it at the approaching demon. Since it showed no immediate signs of stopping its advance, he took aim at its head, and fired.

The demon was killed instantly, and slumped to the ground.

"With these holy bullets, anything's possible!" he cried out triumphantly. He quickly dashed to its side, and leaped to its fallen carcass. Trey used its enormous stomach as a springboard, and bounced all the way to the 69th level of heaven. Here, he sees the 20 feet tall Zeus surrounded by a group of sexy angel bitches, and a bunch of cool dudes playing the harp.

"By the hammer of Hades! An intruder!" Zeus cried out after spotting him. The powerful god pushed the sexy bitches aside, and grabbed a lightning bolt from out of nowhere. The men playing the harps got to their feet, and aggressively began strumming away at their golden instruments. Magical shock waves were being released from their harps, which sped straight for Trey's direction.

He used a left side roll to evade the incoming shock waves, and began circle strafing around Zeus. Luckily, Zeus had incredibly sluggish movements since he was the boss enemy, so he stood perfectly still while Trey circled around his invincible body. Trey quickly removed his shotgun from his right pants pocket, and began blasting away at Zeus' legs.

"Cheater! Stop moving around!" Zeus called out to him.

"Never!" Trey answered with a childish tone.

It was the battle of the century; Zeus remained perfectly still, and kept missing his lightning bolts because Trey kept circling around him. After a time, Zeus collapsed on his bloodied knees, and was preparing to do his ultimate technique: Cosmic End. Luckily for Trey, this meant that the powerful god had to remain perfectly still like he always had, and absorb the life of the extremely helpful harp players that had been keeping Trey at bay.

"Now's my chance!" said Trey, noticing that he had an infinite amount of bullets. He leapt to Zeus' shoulder, and began shooting into the left side of his head. After about 5 more pulls of his trigger, the powerful god finally fell to the floor.

"Impossible!" said Zeus, rolling onto his back. "How did you know labeling ordinary bullets with the word 'holy' was my one weakness!?"

"Because... with these holy bullets, anything's possible!" Trey answered triumphantly. "Now... give me back my girlfriend, my friends, and my world!"

"We don't have her... your best friend, Antonio Defaggio ran off with her! You were betrayed by your best friend and lover!" said Zeus with tears welling up inside his godly eyeballs.

"Nooooo! That's just typical unnecessary dramaaa!" Trey began randomly shooting random angels, until the entire white ground was stained with fresh strawberries. "Wait a damn minute!" said Trey suddenly, halting his attack.

"What is it?" Zeus asked him.

"What happened to your Cosmic End attack?"

"Oh, that thing? I was trying to buy enough time for my body to explode. It should be any second now," Zeus answered nonchalantly.

"You dick!" Trey quickly turned around, and began rushing towards the same hole in the ground he crashed through earlier. Right as he was about to leap inside the hole, Zeus' body exploded with a cosmic flash, and annihilated the entire universe along with the remaining chapter.
Chapter 6

The Strongest Enemy

*After heroically saving the entire universe from Zeus' wrath, Trey returned to his original realm to rejoin his friends. They were now in the City of Manhattan, which is located somewhere in South Asia.*

Cindy and Savage was a pair of malicious assholes, so they decided to let Trey and Max explore the dangers of the city by themselves.

"I'm scared man!" said Max, grabbing hold of Trey's right arm. Max was fully decked out in black clothing, and wore a long black trench coat to top it off.

"Fuck off me! People will think we're gay or something!" Trey snapped at him. He shrugged Max away from his arm, and began glaring at the passing people. They all stared at him so intently... was it because of the bright orange business suit he happened to be wearing? Or was it because they thought he was super gay?

"Sorry, but they keep staring at us!" Max protested.

"It's because we look cool. They're just jealous," Trey reassured him with a cool grin.

"Oh... for a second there I thought it was because of the large coffin I'm dragging behind me," said Max, pointing behind his back.

"A what?" Trey looked behind his sidekick, and sees a car-sized coffin being dragged through the sidewalk. "That's strange... where would you even find something like that?"

"People sell crazy shit over the internet," Max answered with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Yeah, as long as there's a dumbass willing to buy it," Trey pointed out. "Get rid of it; we need to find the mysterious old man of the inner city."

"Dammit! I paid 40 dollars for this!" Max quickly released the chain, and began walking away from his prized possession.

"Who sold you that thing anyway?" Trey asked him.

"Dunno. His seller name was listed as Miracle Mummy Returns. I hear his return policy is miraculous, and his customer service is-."

"Max! What's inside the coffin...?" Andre quickly interrupted. {What...? Can't a guy use his name for once!? Anyway, he changed his name because of his new origin story. This time, he was raised by aliens somewhere on a gas giant planet, so he got superpowers because of its increased gravity}.

"Uh... want me to check?" asked Max. Andre nodded his head in return. At this point, a growing group of onlookers were gawking at the gigantic coffin while taking pictures. Max casually approached the coffin, and then flipped the lid open.

"Well?" Andre asked him.

"Hmm, it seems to be made out of solid gold... no wonder it was so heavy!" Max yelled out. "What the-!? It's an empty coffin! I got swindled!"

"You idiot! Check the side compartment!" Andre suggested. Max frantically began kicking all over the golden coffin, but no such compartment was found. In the end, he walked away from the coffin, and collapsed onto his knees.

"Noooo!" he yelled out in despair.

"Hey, that thing's gold, right?" a nearby woman asked him. Her words snapped Max back to his senses.

"She's wrong! It's painted metallic yellow!" Max pointed out.

"Huh? How the hell would you know that!?" the woman asked with an appalled look.

"Because... I'm the one who painted it yellow," Max admitted. "What...? I wanted to feel expensive!" The woman shook her head in complete disgust, and walked away in a brisk manner.

"Enough horsing around, Max, we need to find the mysterious old man!"

Immediately after Andre spoke, a loud thunderclap was heard overhead, and dark clouds materialized out of nowhere. A steady stream of rain began falling, and quickly caused tidal waves across the planet's surface. Luckily, this particular section of the city was left undamaged, since it was protected by a magical force field. The waves of water crashed against the sides of the force field, and made the enclosed area resemble an aquarium of some kind.

Millions of dogs, elephants, and other similar magical creatures were seen swimming directly above the city atop the force field.

"It's the mummy's curse!" Andre yelled out suddenly.

"How'd you come to that random conclusion?" Max asked him.

"Well... how else could this happen? Anyway, look, there's an old man!" Andre pointed out.

"What the- he wasn't there before!" said Max, grabbing hold of his head. The old man was wearing a purple bathrobe, and stood inside a dark alley. They approached him without a care in the world, and proceeded to begin interrogating him.

"What are you doing here!? And what manner of sorcery is going on!?" Andre asked him. The old man fell onto his back, and died instantly. "You didn't answer my question!" Andre used his revive magic to bring him back to life momentarily, and allowed the old man to answer him.

"Do you want real ultimate magical power?" the old man asked him. He moved his ancient hands to the front of his lower robes, and began pulling it aside to reveal whatever the hell was held behind it.

"He's reaching for his dick!" Max yelled out suddenly. He rushed forward, and punched a hole through the old man's chest using a rushing right straight.

"Max! Calm down!" said Andre, pulling his friend back. Since the old man was killed again, he was forced to chant his revive spell to bring him back to life. "God... please! Pleeease bring him back to life!" God answered his prayers, and restored the old man back to his original state.

However, he seemed to have aged backwards, and had become an extraordinarily handsome young man.

"Wow, thanks guys!" the young man thanked them.

"Don't mention it," Andre answered him. "I figured you were the mummy in disguise, so we needed to kill you repeatedly in order to break the curse."

"Really? I thought that was the mummy over there," said Max, pointing behind his own back. Andre looked where his friend pointed to, and saw a crusty old man wrapped with toilet paper.

"That's just some random hobo," he answered with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Look out!" Max yelled out suddenly. Andre listened to his friend, and quickly dived forward. Unfortunately, Max had also dived through the air to tackle him out of harm's way, and instead crashed head-first into the extraordinarily handsome young man's chest. The young man was killed instantly.

"Oh no! It's raining diamonds!" Andre randomly yelled out in a panic. True to his words, fist-sized diamonds were raining down from atop the force field. They quickly slammed into unsuspecting people's heads, and released the gold coins held inside them. The streets were now being completely covered with countless diamonds, and highly polished gold coins.

"Noooooo! This can't be!" Andre yelled out. "Diamonds are my ultimate weakness!" He could feel his powers leaving his body, and he was slowly beginning to lose control of his senses.

"Andre! Don't let them beat you!" Max cheered behind him. He was standing under the safety of an invincible umbrella. Andre had no choice... he will eat every last one of them before it's too late!

He broke into a frenzied state, and began rushing across the ground on all fours. As he passed by each fist-sized diamond, he grabbed it up by his teeth, and swallowed it whole. The process of rushing back and forth continued for a while, until he had eaten every last one of the precious gems.

"Man, that was close!" he said after eating the last piece. "Could you imagine if some random asshole got hold of one of these? They don't deserve free money!"

"That's what you meant by ultimate weakness...?" Max asked him with a dull look.

"Yup. If I see diamonds, I've gotta eat 'em," Andre answered with a shrug of his shoulders. Since the diamond rainstorm killed everyone else on the streets, they were the only two people left on the sidewalk. "We still need to find the mysterious old man, so let's check that store over there." He pointed to a nearby diamond store.

The two entered the building, and began observing the many diamond-encrusted gold jewelry held inside the display cases.

"I can't believe it!" said Andre, backing away with horror.

"Try to resist them; they only win if they take over your mind!" Max yelled out for some reason.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Andre asked him. Max always said the craziest things.

"I thought you reacted that way because of the diamonds!"

"Why the hell would I? They're just a bunch of shiny crystals!"

"But then... what are you afraid of?"

"Dude, look at the freaking prices!"

The jewelry was listed at 5 bajillion dollars each. After seeing such absurd prices, they promptly left the diamond store without saying another word.

Moments later...

While walking throughout the deserted city, a magical portal appeared in front of them, and a mysterious old man stepped out.

"I came to warn you of an impending threat!" the mysterious old man said suddenly. He wore the exact same clothing as the other old man, only this man had a really long white beard. In other words, he was the Evil Magician they've been searching for!

"Shit! I wasn't ready yet! I used up all my magic!" said Andre in a panicked voice.

"Don't worry; I have all my magic points left!" Max pointed out. His sidekick quickly activated his powers, and surrounded himself with his invincible power armor. A magical bolt of flaming lightning cracked across the sky, and surrounded Max's invincible armor with an aura of flaming lightning. He then smashed his fists together, and caused the sides of the force field to buckle under his tremendous power.

"Quick, Max! Buy me something to fill up my magical energy!" Andre instructed upon seeing his sidekick's pathetic display of force.

"What!? But I can kill this guy with one shot!" Max protested.

"Get the fuck out of here! I'm the obvious hero, so only I can save the world! It's the rule of generic stories, remember!?"

"You're right! I'll be back with your magical potion!" Max turned around, and quickly sped away at the speed of light.

"FOOL!" the Evil Magician shouted out. "That man was your last chance of survival!"

"No, he was your last chance of survival!" Qiu pointed out. {He changed his name to Qiu Chang, because of his new backstory. He grew up on the Asian mountains, wherever that is, and ate a magical rice ball that gave him realistic superpowers}.

The Evil Magician opened up his bathrobe, revealing a pair of purple shoes, pants, and shirt underneath. He then placed a golden mask on his face, and proceeded to close his bathrobe.

"Fear the power of my fire magic!" The Evil Magician yelled out. He quickly materialized a flamethrower out of thin air, and began shooting it towards Qiu. To evade the stream of flames, Qiu used his stereotypical kung fu skills to do fancy flips through the air. He then reached inside his pocket, and pulled out his secret weapon.

"Have a taste of this refreshing water magic!" Qiu yelled out, brandishing a bottle of water. He twisted off the cap, and began squeezing out an endless stream of water towards the stream of fire. The water quickly doused the flamethrower, rendering it useless.

"That's impossible!" The Evil Magician yelled out in a panic.

"Now to finish you off!" Qiu removed an electric chair from his pocket, and rushed towards the soaked magician.

"ABRAKA-BULLSHIT!" the desperate magician yelled out at the top of his lungs.

"Noooo! His ultimate attack!" said Qiu, coming to a complete halt for the pure convenience of seeing the magician's final attack.

The Evil Magician began flipping backwards through the air, and climbed in elevation following each successful flip. After a while, he smashed into the top of the force field, and received an enormous electrical shock.

"Yes! My lightning magic worked! Just like I didn't actually plan, but I'll say I did anyway!" Qiu shouted triumphantly. The weakened magician fell back to the ground, and smashed into a parked school bus, causing it to spontaneously burst into flames.

"I won't lose like this!" The Evil Magician was heard shouting inside the flaming bus. He was then seen rushing out while engulfed in flames, and had his arms flailing about in the air. "Ahh! It burns!"

"Oh no! This is bad!" said Qiu, pulling out his water bottle. He took several swigs of water, and then burped loudly. "Phew... I got thirsty there for a second!" In a heroic display of valor, he turned around, and began walking away from the burning magician.

After walking away for a while, the screaming stopped, and the flames instantly died out from his smoldering body. Qiu looked back at this point, and was suddenly overcome with guilt.

"Noooo!" he yelled out after seeing the pitiful sight before him. He quickly rushed to the smoldering body's aid, and began pouring water over its large metallic frame. "Max! What happened!?" Max was burnt to a crisp, and his invincible armor was blackened by the intense flames.

"Did you get him for me?" Max spoke through a pained voice.

"Yes, the Evil Magician is no more," said Qiu, getting back up to his feet. "Without a doubt, he was easily the strongest enemy I've ever fought until now." Max quickly got to his feet, and removed his power armor. Not surprisingly, he was perfectly fine underneath it.

"You heard what he said, right?" asked Max, looking towards the bright afternoon sky.

"Yeah... during the fight, he said he was the first of many..." To heal his wounds, Qiu used qigong to stitch his severed left arm back together. "We're one step closer to the Master of Magic."

"We'll have to prepare for the final showdown. Shouldn't we begin time-lapsed training?" Max asked him.

"Yeah, let's do it!" Qiu teleported them to the magical chamber of space-time, and the two proceeded to begin their training to defeat the unstoppable forces of evil.

600,000 years later...

They finished their perilous training, and emerged as extremely old men. Both men forgot to use their time stopping magic while in the midst of training, so they've been aging the entire time.

"Nuuuu!" Qiu yelled out in his old man voice. "Max, what have you done!?"

Because of their fragile old bodies, they collapsed on the desert floor right outside the magical time-stopping chamber, and were reduced to piles of ashes. A convenient gust of wind blew past them, and blew their remains across the unforgiving land...

The End

-and then... Qiu woke up from his dream. He awakened inside his mountain log house, and began looking around the dark room with his frantic Asian eyes.

"Thank goodness!" he said with a huge sigh of relief. "It was all a dream... how convenient!"
Chapter 7

Crystal Miracle

*The Earth was destroyed after failing to stop the Evil Magician, so Qiu, Cindy and Savage decided to take a trip to the next world.*

Cindy created a new warp engine recently, so they were able to have a successful launch through the planet's core. As the spaceship travelled deeper and deeper underground, everything became distorted, until they passed through to the other side of the already destroyed planet. It was a good thing Savage designed the outer plating of the spaceship using trillions of match sticks; otherwise the extreme heat of space would have frozen them solid.

"It's too bad Max never made it..." said Savage suddenly. They were all seated on the outside of the planet-sized spaceship near its front, which Qiu decided to name Hell-Sally. The view was quite nice, considering that large stars were rushing past them every other second. Hell-Sally was repeatedly melted down by the passing suns, but due to the nano-regeneration device fitted beneath the frame of the spaceship, it would self-repair itself almost instantaneously.

"Well, tough shit," said Larry, rolling over on his bed. {He changed his name to Larry Banana, because of his new backstory. Larry was a space bounty hunter born on planet Deliciousfruits, and decided to travel the stars one day after meeting an old woman called Destiny. She gave him a jug of magical beer, and after drinking it, he suddenly realized the universe was calling to him}. "I called Max a nanosecond before we were ready to leave... and he didn't even bother to answer his phone!"

"Yeah, you gave him more than enough time to answer," Cindy added. She was seated inside her Jacuzzi, but it wasn't clear if she was fully naked, or if she had something on inside the bubbly water. The smell of perfume filled the nearby vacuum of space, which was why Savage opted to suddenly wear a gas mask. Curiously enough, his teacup teleported to the top of his mask immediately after it was placed on.

Savage was a refined gentleman, so he opted to stand against the space winds with his flowing white hair. Cindy recently changed her hair as well, and had it fixed into a simple white colored ponytail. After seeing his friends' newly changed hair colors, Larry decided to change his hair color to white as well.

"Okay, now that our hairs are fixed, can someone wake me up when we get to the next solar system?" he asked them. He proceeded to pull the sheet covers over his face, and tried falling asleep. Since they were in the vacuum of space, it was extremely noisy at times.

"Sure thing, I'll keep an eye out," said Cindy, watching as the other suns passed by at random intervals. They entered into an empty area of deep space; it seemed they had already passed by the asteroid belt surrounding Jupiter. At their current speed of 99 mph, their box-shaped spaceship should reach the next universe in no time at all.

The next day...

After travelling for countless eons, they arrived in the next universe.

"Larry, we're here!" Cindy shouted out. Larry quickly awakened from his long slumber, and nearly fell off the side of his bed after seeing the surrounding space.

"What the hell is that!?" He pointed towards a large free-floating diamond. It was shaped like a human, and seemed to be wearing a tight blue colored spandex costume. There was even a flowing blue cape attached to its back.

"It's a crystal miracle!" Savage answered him.

"How can it float around like that? The new magical properties of this universe dictates universal gravity," Larry pointed out.

"It's clearly levitation magic," Cindy answered with a knowing tone. Her knowledge continues to exceed her lesbian beauty.

"Let's steal it!" Larry suggested. It wasn't every day a huge diamond like this appeared out of thin air... they'd make a killing if they brought it back to Earth! As if understanding his noble intentions, the humanoid diamond came to life, and opened its glowing white eyeballs.

"Halt!" it yelled out through space.

"Impossible! It's speaking inside the vacuum of space!" Savage pointed out. "It's sorcery!"

"Should we ask it for directions?" Cindy asked them. Following several nods, they all got themselves ready for battle. Larry equipped his bounty hunter spacesuit so he could survive the vacuum of space, while Cindy simply kept on her Universal Skin Armor. Savage kept on his butler apparel, however it was now equipped to survive the horrors of the underworld {he placed a bunch of crosses on it}.

"Hey! I said halt!" the diamond man shouted out.

"We just need directions!" Larry shouted back. The planet-sized spaceship smashed into the diamond man's front, and the three of them quickly converged on his shattered body. After beating him senseless inside the comical fight cloud formed during their scuffle, they tied him up using an unbreakable rope they conveniently found lying around the area, and began hauling ass back to planet Earth.

2,000 years later...

After what felt like only a split second, they arrived back on Earth. They docked the planet-sized spaceship atop their base of operations, which was inside an underwater volcano. As they began hauling the lifeless diamond man back to the dissection room, it suddenly came back to life.

"Halt! Wait... where am I!?" it shouted out.

"We're gonna have you cut up into smaller pieces, that way we can find multiple buyers," Larry explained to him.

"Monsters! You would kill me just for small profit!? Anyway, since you asked nicely... my real name is Diamond."

"Huh? No one asked you your name!" said Larry, throwing him to the floor. Diamond's shattered body echoed throughout the gigantic hangar. It then repaired itself, and began floating into the air while releasing a pulsing white light.

"Fools! I am all-powerful! With my diamond powers, I can reform myself from even a Planck length! Since I am made up of diamond, I can create a diamond dimension, where my power grows tenfold for each carbon atom inside my body! An invincible shield can be formed using the outer diamond armor of my body, and I can create an army of diamond knights to destroy your universe!"

"Why are you telling us intricate details about your abilities?" Cindy asked it. "Are we supposed to be impressed or something?"

"Holy fucking shit!" Larry suddenly blurted out. "A diamond dimension!?" He envisioned a land filled with diamonds, which he was of course in the midst of plundering. Because of his rational greed, he dived towards Diamond with his magic sword drawn, and attempted to cut the being in half.

It swerved to the right of his path instead, and then erupted with a cosmic flash. Just like that, they were all banished to the diamond dimension.

Inside the diamond dimension...

It turned out to be a carbon copy of Earth, only they were now in a random village in the middle of nowhere. An ugly old woman was standing underneath a tree 2 feet away, and after seeing their strange presence, she decided to save time by teleporting over to their side.

"Hey there, welcome to Diamond Village," she greeted them.

"We're here to slap the dragon," Larry answered her.

"You mean... slay the dragon?" the ugly old woman asked him.

"Larry, watch out!" Cindy called out to him. He was distracted by her shouting, and turned around to face her.

"What? Is something on my back?" While his back was turned, the old woman pulled out her sword, and stabbed him in the back.

"Heeheehee! Never trust ugly old women!" she sneered. Larry healed his wounds using forbidden holy magic, and then casually turned around to face the old woman.

"You rotten bitch! How dare you hurt a warrior of justice!" he angrily yelled out. The ugly old woman's body shattered like glass, and then reformed into the air above them. She transformed into a being similar to Diamond, only she was yellow in color, and had a matching yellow latex costume and cape.

"Fools! I am all-powerful! With my yellow diamond powers, I can reform myself from even a Planck length! Since I am made up of yellow diamond, I can create a yellow diamond dimension, where my power grows tenfold for each carbon atom inside my body! An invincible shield can be formed using the outer yellow diamond armor of my body, and I can create an army of yellow diamond knights to destroy your universe!"

"Hey! You said the same thing as the other guy!" said Larry, quickly noticing the similarities in their lengthy speeches. "What kind of cheap shit is this? You mean there's a bunch of you crystal people out there... all with the exact same powers!?"

"Yes! We are the same in ability; we just wear different colored costumes. Even our altered names basically mean the same things!"

"Nooo!" Larry yelled out. "You guys are like those copycat comic book heroes and villains!" He reached for his sword, and tossed it through the air towards the yellow diamond woman. She quickly shattered, and erupted with a blinding flash of yellow light.

Inside the yellow diamond dimension...

After being teleported to the next dimension, he wasted no time in attacking the nearby woman.

"Die, you diamond demon!" said Victor, thrusting his ninja sword into her neck. {He changed his name to Victor Severhead, because of his new origin story. Stealing was all he knew how to do as a kid, until one day he was kidnapped by a rich barber. The barber used radioactive shears to cut Victor's hair one day, which gave him magical super ninja powers. He escaped captivity after that, and swore to save kidnapped children across the world ever since}.

"Murderers!" a nearby man shouted out. It was the dead of night, but because they killed the woman in broad daylight, the entire village was awakened.

"Victor! We lost Savage!" Cindy yelled out suddenly. She now wore a baggy pair of pink pants, yet because she still used the U.S.A as her primary armor... her now enlarged breasts were in plain sight.

"He never talked much, so I sent him back to join Max!" Victor explained to her. "Quick, we need to escape!"

The two broke into a run, and Victor was forced to remove his ninja mask in order to conveniently reveal his face. His face was covered with fresh battle scars, and his white hair had extended twice as long as they were before. As the two dashed through the large city, the flying cars overhead suddenly began pitching down towards them.

"Suicide bombers, watch out!" Cindy warned him.

"I know! Don't point every little thing out, dammit!" he yelled back. The cars randomly crashed and exploded all around them, yet they all conveniently exploded next to their sides and behind their feet; just like other poorly-written stories. This phenomenon was not random however... it was all the Master of Magic's fault. According to the rumors, he snuck inside the Flying Car Development Facility one day, and wired them all to do his evil bidding.

He's caused dozens of auto accidents since, and has put millions of innocent people in jail for acts of terrorism. Clearly, none of them purposely crashed into the side of their cheating lover's building, or ever decided to crash the party in style when they were drunk. Every random citizen could definitely be trusted to fly a car directly above the city, while having the option to crash whenever they felt like it.

While they were busy running, Cindy spotted an enemy approaching them from the rear, but decided to keep it to herself. After all, she only needlessly pointed things out, right? So what if the rampaging steamroller a thousand feet wide crushed them flat? Actually... that would be terrible!

"Victor! Look behind us!" she called out to him. He turned around, and saw a continuous wave of fire rushing towards them. It was as if the water from before had turned into fire, and the resulting wave was converging across the city.

"Noooo! We'll be crushed flat!" he called out to her. Victor decided to increase his speed tenfold, and quickly sped away from his friend. As soon as he cleared the outer section of the city, he turned around just in time to see Cindy getting crushed flat by the wave of fire. "Ciiinnndeee!"

It was too late... she perished under the crushing weight of the falling planet  As if to add insult to injury, a portal opened up in front of him, and out stepped the last person he expected to see.

"What!? It's you... I can't believe it!" he shouted out. Victor began backing away with fear, and nearly fell back onto his own sword. "I killed you in the last chapter!"

"That was all an illusion!" the man answered him. It was the same Evil Magician as before, only this time his clothing seemed more extravagant. The cheap-looking bathrobe from before was now a highly polished purple cloak, and he had fancy-looking strips of cloth hanging loose from his purple suit. He wore a silver mask this time, which seemed to be shining in the dark due to its impressive magical energy.

"Who are you!?" Victor asked him. He's never seen such a uniquely dressed person before... who could it be?

"I am the Master of Magic!" he answered with a slight bow.

"But... you can't be real! I thought it was just a running joke!"

"Gwahahahaa! Allow me to show you... my mastered magic!"

Master of Magic quickly pulled a camouflaged curtain in front of his body, and vanished from sight.

"Impossible! He knows the legendary invisible magic!?" Victor shouted out. The masked man then revealed himself, and was seen crouching down beside a pile of stones.

"This is my ultimate attack! Asteroid Rain!" said Master of Magic. He quickly gathered a handful of stones, and began chucking them one at a time towards Victor. In return, he quickly dashed to the left and right, and easily evaded each stone throw.

"Hah! I'm faster than your technique!" said Victor, rushing towards the masked man. Right before he reached his foe, the stones from before suddenly levitated into the air above him, and ballooned in size. They grew to the size of small cars, and then rained down at the same time in extreme slow motion. "Nooo! I could be using this time to evade it... but instead I'll complain about not being able to dodge your attack!"

"Fool! No one can dodge Asteroid Rain!" Master of Magic said triumphantly. Right before one of large rocks touched his head, Victor sidestepped to the left at the last moment, and watched as it slowly touched down onto the ground. "No! How is this possible!? You moved faster than the speed of light!"

"Victor!" Cindy's voice called out behind the Master of Magic. At long last... she was in the prime position to strike!

"Did you find it!?" Victor asked her.

"Yeah, of course I did!" She waved the red diamond man in the air, and then turned to begin running full speed in the other direction.

"Cindy, wait!" said Victor, taking off behind her. At long last, they had found the last remaining diamond man, and could finally teleport back to their original dimension.
Chapter 8

Flaming Axe Demons

*After selling the red diamond man, they got several trillion dollars; all of which was generously donated to their personal charities.*

Victor decided to buy the world, and was in the middle of his daily world meeting in a random office somewhere.

"What do you mean the world has problems!?" asked Victor, slamming his right fist into the wooden table. The gathering of old men began nervously looking about, as if they had no idea what was going on.

"Sir? If I may?" asked Joey, the maniac boy from downtown.

"Talk, man! Time is money!" Victor slammed his other fist into the table, causing it to break under his weight.

"Why would a sane person want to rule the world? You'd have to answer to every problem every organization of citizens had!" Joey pointed out. "Not to mention, you'd hardly have any free time."

"You're right... I only did it because I thought it would be cool to say I ruled the world..." Victor sat onto the destroyed table, and began going over his thoughts. It was all Savage's fault... if only he hadn't lost half the money on gambling in his own casino, none of this would have happened! "From this day on... I'll be a dictator!"

The room filled with old men began gasping all at once.

"But sir! You can't be a dictator... you're too cool!" a random old man protested.

"So!? Being cool won't pay the bills, will it, random old man!?" Victor asked him. "Since I wasted all my personal savings, have our government raise taxes by 7 trillion percent!"

"Sir! That would cause riots!" Joey pointed out. "You know how armed everyone is... they'd attempt a coup!" After hearing the young man's wise words, Victor removed his mask for dramatic effect, and turned around to face the group of men.

"Let them try! We'll use the advanced weapons no one knows about, but we all know we secretly have!" After speaking, he dived through the window, and crashed all the way down to the busy streets. He shattered his face on impact with the ground, but he used his healing magic to call an ambulance. The ambulance workers quickly repaired his broken leg, and he thanked them by driving away with the large van.

What he never counted on, however, was the little boy sitting next to him in the passenger seat all of a sudden.

"Blazing Grand Crusher!" the little boy yelled out. It was his nephew, little Calvin. {He changed his name to Blazing Grand Crusher because of his new backstory. While working construction one tragic day... he was crushed by a flaming wrecking ball. The flaming wrecking ball gave him superpowers, because... reasons}.

"Stop screaming out my secret identity!" Blazing G.C yelled out. He wore a dirty blue colored costume that looked as if it was set on fire, and then dragged through the mud.

"Am I old enough to save the world yet?" Calvin asked him. He was 9 years old, but in another random story Calvin had saved the universe from countless dragons in a magical realm of destiny.

"No! You're just a stupid boy! Your bones aren't even developed yet; you wouldn't be able to do any powerful attacks!" Blazing G.C pointed out.

"But... I defeated Emperor Supreme Dragon, and saved the multiverse all by myself!"

"That was Bullshit! You used magic, so it doesn't count!" In a drunken rage, he kicked his nephew through the door, and then slammed it shut. He had a more serious matter to attend to after all... the flaming axe demons were still on the loose! "Max, are you ready for this?"

"No, you know how much I hate ghosts!" said Max, appearing out of thin air.

"Don't worry, after this super quick driving sequence, we'll be in the middle of the flaming axe demon woods!"

2 seconds later...

The two men arrived in the middle of the woods in the dead of night, and began investigating claims of the flaming axe demons. They brought their shotguns with them; just in case any random axe murderers popped out from the thick brush, and Max changed into his scuba costume... just in case they were hit by a sudden tsunami.

"Max... I think I see one!" Blazing Grand Crusher pointed out. Up in the nearby tree was a strange sight. There was a large man dressed in a white bed sheet, and after seeing them, he lit himself on fire! He then grabbed his axe, and screamed as he leapt from the top of the tree towards them.

"Oh shit! It's the flaming axe murderer!" said Max, running away at full speed.

"No, Max! Don't abandon me!" Blazing G.C cried out. The flaming axe murderer hit the hard ground face-first, and died on impact. "I won't fall for your tricks, demon!" He began shooting into the dead man's back, until a large transparent ghost jumped out from his body.

"I'm free! Finally free!" said the ghost.

"Nooooo!" He dropped his gun after screaming out, and used portal magic to open a portal to another dimension in order to escape. After he arrived in the wooded area, he was greeted by a large magical dog that began speaking crazy gibberish to him.

"You there! You must save our world!" the dog said to him. It was a man-sized pug, black in color.

"A stray demon!?" Godfrey yelled out in a panic. {He changed his name a second ago because of his new origin story. Back when the Earth was invented, he was born from a loving relationship between a God, and an Earth woman. His parents died in a tragic car accident one day while he was at the wheel, so he swore to become a better driver in order to prevent the same mistake from happening ever again. Interestingly enough, his God power erases anyone, or anything from existence that thinks to do him physical harm}.

"Our world is being invaded by a powerful race of humans; you have to help us fight the war you have nothing to do with!"

"What!? Are you suggesting I have nothing better to do with my time than help fight a magical war!?" Godfrey screamed into its face.

"Please, will you help us!?" the dog asked him earnestly.

"I'll never join the ranks of evil!" Godfrey rushed towards the large dog, and rammed his right fist down its magical mouth. Because he struck its inner mouth clavicle pressure point, the dog exploded into colorful crayons. "Next time... just say no," said Godfrey, pointing at the spread of crayons.

He flicked his black cape behind his back, and brushed off his rainbow colored costume. It was extremely tight, and revealed every bit of his sagging muscles. As he began stepping forward, the land disappeared from beneath him. Godfrey fell through the bottom of the Earth shortly afterwards, and slammed into the nearby sun.

"What the fuck is going on!?" he yelled out in a panic. The sun quickly disappeared, and he was left floating around in space. "Nooo! My powers are destroying the universe!" There was nothing else he could do at this point... the only way to live a normal life, was to master his godly powers with extensive mental training.

5 seconds later...

After solving the 4,000-dimensional Rubik's cube, he was again ready to venture back to Earth. He bid farewell to the nonexistent sun, and teleported back to the busy streets of Shanghai Alaska, the city of lesbian women. The city was half frozen due to the extreme heat of the solar winds, and the women all wore skin-tight clothing to battle the extremely hot weather. A passing ice cream truck crashed into his back, but due to his immense mass after absorbing the sun, it exploded on impact.

"Hahahaa! You've lost the battle this time, Truck!"

"No! How did you become so powerful!?" the ice cream truck asked him. It quickly stood up on its newly fixed back wheels, and transformed into an ice cream van.

"Bipedal movement!? My one weakness!" Godfrey yelled out. In a panic, he aimed his right palm towards the ice cream van, and blasted it with a beam of magical energy. After erasing his enemy from existence, Godfrey decided that the city needed a new facelift. All the women in the area had small breasts... this won't do!

He placed his hands to the sides of his waist, and began skipping down the sidewalk with an amused grin on his face. As he passed by each woman, he grew their tiny breasts to DD. The surprised women began groping each other's breasts, and soon the entire city was filing sexual assault lawsuits all over the place.

"See you gals later!" he called out to the city of large-breasted women. They all stopped what they were doing, and jumped while waving goodbye to him for the sake of making their tits bounce up and down. Now that the city was purified, Godfrey decided to check up on Max, and quickly teleported to his position.

An instant later...

He appeared high above the clouds, and was grabbing hold of Max's powerful back.

"Max!? Where the hell are we!?" he asked his sidekick.

"We're on the Elevated Sky Tracks; I'm investigating claims of the ghost train," Max explained to him.

"The what!?" Godfrey yelled out. They were high above the clouds, and red railroad tracks were scattered all around them in random patterns. It resembled a maze... a maze of elevated railroad tracks! "How did you get up here!?"

"I dunno... I could have sworn I was dreaming... but you're here, so I guess I'm not."

"Impossible! You mean I teleported inside your-" he cut himself off abruptly, after seeing a large train approaching them from the front. "Good, the train!"

"Actually... this is bad!" Max pointed out. "Hey, get off my back already!" Godfrey looked at the floor beneath him, and realized that there was not enough room for his feet. The tracks were only an inch wide... one false step and he could destroy the universe.

Nevertheless, he listened to his friend's wish, and jumped to a large platform he materialized out of thin air.

"Fine... I'll just wait here for the train." While he was busy waiting, Max suddenly vanished into thin air. Godfrey looked all around him, but his sidekick was nowhere to be seen. "Noooo! I thought I mastered my godly erasing abilities after only 5 seconds of intense training!"

Now, his only means of escaping the sky tracks was to jump on board the speeding train. He timed his jump, and leaped towards the high-speed train as it passed by his body. The train was blasted off the tracks after he smashed into it, and then exploded into a million pieces before it hit the ground below. As the loose embers from the destroyed train fell onto the clouds, they quickly burst into flames.

Soon, the entire world was engulfed in flames, and the rising black smoke formed into a new continent in the sky. Although the events seemed random, everything had gone according to his plans!

"Savage... it's up to you, now..." said Godfrey, looking at the shadow continent with tear-filled distant eyes.

On the shadow continent...

As it turned out, Savage was in the midst of a life and death struggle against the all-powerful True Master of Magic. They were both standing on the destroyed battlefield, where billions of dead bodies littered the ground around them. Luckily, everything was blurred out using smoke magic, so no such thing was actually seen.

"Gwahahahahaa!" True Master of Magic laughed aloud. "You'll never defeat me using your feeble butler powers!" This time around, the magician wore a red mask to cover his face, and his clothing looked even more badass than before. He now wore a flaming cloak, and his purple clothing now resembled a suit of extremely expensive platinum armor.

If things weren't bad enough... he stood at over 20 feet tall!

"I'll never surrender! The galaxy is counting on my victory!" Savage yelled out. He used his butler powers to form invincible Unbreakablenum Gauntlets around his hands, and then dashed towards the terrifying magician. {Unbreakablenum metal is forged in the fires of hell. By combining frozen cotton balls with nanotubes, such a thing is possible given enough oxidation in the furnace}.

The magician evaded his charge, and sent his large right foot slamming into Savage's back. He was blasted off his feet, and dug into the conveniently blurred out bodies to come to a quick halt. Using his magical butler pants, he flew into the air, and quickly sent both extended fists smashing into the True Master of Magic's chest. After the magician was knocked off his feet momentarily, he soon crashed onto the pile of blurred out bodies beneath him.

"Now to finish you off!" Savage yelled out. He began gathering his butler powers, and erupted with a grand pulse of yellow energy. After that, he proceeded to fly into outer space, and looked down at the pitiful world beneath him. "True Master of Magic...!" he began saying while breakdancing in space to gather his energy. "I will put an end to your madness once and for all with my ultimate attack... Butler's Sacred Teacup Skill: Infinite Flaming Rampage!"

Savage flew straight down, and quickly smashed through the Earth's core. He used the heat of the core to get his body superheated, and then blasted through the other side of the planet. The sheer force of his sacred teacup skill caused the planet to blow up like exploding dynamite, and he continued to rocket forward through space. There was good reasoning for destroying the world, though... he needed to prevent the True Master of Magic from destroying the galaxy!

Since he needed to become even hotter, he increased his speed using his magical yellow energy, and quickly sped up to well over 7 trillion times the speed of light. At such speeds, the friction in space bashed heavily against his body, causing him to heat up to the point of a singularity. As he reached the edge of the universe, True Master of Magic teleported directly in front of him, and was seen releasing an invincible aura of red energy.

"Gwahahahaa!" he laughed madly through space. For the sake of the story, despite Savage moving at speeds that should make the time to have dialogue not possible, they exchanged dramatic words nonetheless. "Savage... you fool! It doesn't matter what you try... I will soon reach my ULTIMATE form!"

"Twisted magician...!" Savage roared back through the air in space. "My sacred fists will tear down the walls of fate, and knock you into the next dark dimension!"

He conveniently reached True Master of Magic after he finished speaking, and crashed into the invincible red aura that surrounded the magician's body. A brief power struggle took place between his fists and the invincible red aura, until he overcame the impossible odds against him, and broke through to slam into True Master of Magic's chest. With the magician pushed against his right fist as he arrived near the edge of the universe, he punched with all his might into the dark energy wall that separated the cosmos, and shattered the wall of dark energy along with the magician's body. Incredibly, Savage's attack exploded with the force of 20 octillion hypernovas, and quickly ignited the nearby air in space.

Following that, the entire universe burst into flames, and it was quickly vaporized from existence along with the magician's body. At long last, Savage had saved the galaxy from the destructive threat of the True Master of Magic.

2 years later...

Savage was on his way to work on his fancy fishing boat, when he got the sudden feeling that evil was afoot. He looked across the open waters, and sees a small child fighting against Emperor Supreme Dragon. Since he was feeling generous, he carefully tossed his spear towards the large water dragon, and killed it instantly. The little boy began repeatedly jumping atop the water's surface with joy, and then flashed Savage a thumbs up to show his hatred for humanity.

Being the well-mannered gentleman he was, Savage returned the kind gesture by teleporting the child back to the depths of Hell.

"Impressive, little Calvin..." said Savage with a knowing nod, gazing at the magnificent sunset appearing out of thin air, "defeating Emperor Supreme Dragon like that, all by yourself."

Perhaps one day, he will also get the chance to save the world. But until that time... he will keep training, until he eventually becomes The World's Strongest Gentleman!
Chapter 9

Ultimate Master of Magic

*Cindy wisely used her charity money to buy a private island off the coast of a random continent, and she, along with our other heroes, were all gathered in the living room of the recently built mansion.*

Red recently bought the new gaming system, Black Box 27,000, and set it up inside the spacious living room. {Well, you know how this works by now. He grew fed up with the name Godfrey, and changed it to a smaller name. As the name implies, he is currently dressed head to toe with magical red clothing}. The game system came with a free game; good thing too, since it cost him 27 million dollars.

"What type of game is it?" Max asked him. His sidekick dyed his hair black, and used eye magic to change his eyes to a blue color. He wore casual blue jeans, and a white t-shirt to match the color of his sneakers.

"Wait dammit, it's booting up!" Red answered him. Cindy sat to the right of him on the couch, and was busy twiddling her thumbs in anticipation. She wore the same U.S.A as always, and wore the same pants and sneakers as Max. Surprisingly, Savage also decided to join in on the fun, and was wearing the same matching clothes as Max.

Without realizing it, they had officially formed the white shirt, blue jeans and white sneakers gang.

"Sir, you never turned on the television!" Savage pointed out. He then rushed to the front of the theater-sized television, and turned it on. As soon as he did, a large gaping hole opened up inside the television, and sucked Red inside it. After being bombarded by strange cosmic rays, he was teleported into another dimension.

He stood in the middle of nowhere after crossing through, and witnessed a nearby horse riding a man.

"It can't be!" he yelled out in a panic.

"Red?" the horse asked him.

"Horse! Long time no see, man!" said Red, rushing to his lost friend's front. Horse got down from his human vehicle, and galloped towards him in return. They stopped within arm's reach of one another, and began looking at each other's presence.

"Hey, Red, you wanna ride with me to the ice mansion?" Horse asked with an evil shake of his head.

"Sure! It will be just like old times!" said Red, running towards the large mansion that materialized out of thin air. It was now night, and the other members of the class were trying their hardest to keep up with him.

"Wait, Red!" said Carmen. She tripped over her own two feet after a while, and began crawling her way through the minefield that appeared out of nowhere. Unfortunately, she was simply too fat, and her enormous girth set off the entire minefield. Carmen was blown to smithereens, so the rest of the class quickly gathered her burnt pieces together; fully intent on bringing her back to life.

After much trial and error, they were able to piece her back to the way she was. Unfortunately... she had turned into a ridiculously beautiful woman.

"Noooo!" Red called out upon seeing her hideous face. He rushed to her front, and used his magical right fist to make her ugly again by punching her in the face. The other members of the class began cheering at once, and congratulated him on a job well done.

"He's got a heart of fucking gold!" said Johnson, the tallest one in the bunch of bananas.

"Red... you're the strongest out of all of us..." said Carmen, getting to her knees. "Please... save Horse from the mansion!" Red nodded his head, and turned to run towards the mansion once again. It will be a long and perilous journey, but he'll never stop until the frozen depths of the mansion are fully explored.

1 second later...

He arrived outside the mansion gates, and pushed it open without a care in the world. The creepy-looking mansion was covered with thick jungle vines, and the windows resembled enormous eyeballs. According to the legend, a boundless supply of video games was held inside the mansion library, however it was said to be guarded by frozen spirits. Red rushed across the courtyard, and peered inside the lower window on the side of the building.

"The library!" he exclaimed aloud. He kicked through the window, and fell inside the pool of lava that materialized out of nowhere. After taking a deep breath, he dove further inside the lava's depths until he pushed through to the other side. It's a good thing this was cold lava, otherwise he would be in serious trouble.

He began free falling for several seconds, until he crashed his knees onto the stone floor below. The library resembled a maze... a maze filled with shelves of video games!

"Yeah!" he yelled out happily.

Just then, a pool of lava appeared on the floor beside him, and began oozing out in all directions. The heat from the puddles of lava melted the games on the shelves, and set the wooden shelves on fire. Red quickly ran away from the rising mass of lava, and began charging through the burning shelves.

"No! I'm trapped!" said Red, stopping in front of an overturned chair. The chair blocked the middle of the path, and there was far too much room for him to go around it. Since he had no other option, he turned around, and began powering up to defend himself against the approaching lava monster. Water energy surrounded his body, and he was quickly encased by the transparent fluid.

"Argh! Water! My one weakness!" said a voice behind him. He turned around after hearing it yell out, only to see a demonic-looking creature standing behind him. It stood in the exact same place as the chair did, suggesting that the demon shape shifted into it earlier in order to block his path. Red quickly pushed his way past it, and the water vaporized the demon instantaneously.

By this time, the remaining shelves were encased in flames, and he continued rushing forward using his water barrier until it was evaporated by the intense flames.

"Nooo! I'll melt without my magical barrier!" Red collapsed onto his knees, and began rolling sideways along the path. He was being roasted alive, but due to his quick thinking and constant rolling motion, he couldn't be set on fire. Just when things were beginning to take a turn for the worst, Carmen's voice was heard screaming out from the end of the hallway.

"Reeeeed! Help meeee!"

"Carmen!?" said Red, getting to his feet. As a result of the gale force winds being created by his stationary body, the intense flames were all put out, and the black smoke quickly vanished into thin air. He grabbed a newly materialized bottle of water from the floor, and quickly dashed through the remaining shelf leading to the next room. Upon entering the room, he sees the entire class frozen solid in the center of a large ice rink.

"Nooooo! Am I too late!?" he yelled out in despair. He rushed to Carmen's side, and poured the magical bottle of lava over her body. She was instantly thawed out thanks to the frozen liquid, and then collapsed onto the floor in a small heap. "Yes! I saved her!"

He wiped the sweat off his face, and proceeded to press a nearby button on a newly materialized control panel. The ceiling began to collapse all around him, so he casually began walking away from the falling boulders. Because his other classmates were still frozen solid, the boulders shattered upon impact with them, and they were freed at last. Unfortunately... since Carmen was the only one thawed out, she was brutally crushed flat by the falling stones.

Sitting on the large couch...

Red was busy playing Frozen Mansion Survival Horror 6, when Cindy tapped him on his right shoulder.

"Buzz off, woman! I'm playing video games!" he angrily yelled out with crazed eyes.

"You're doing it wrong, dumbass!" she yelled out.

"No I'm not! I read the manual... it said Carmen was Horse in disguise!" The instruction manual specifically said she was the final boss, who also happened to be the talking horse.

"Well, that game's stupid anyway... let's go play outside," she suggested. Without waiting for an answer, she hurriedly walked out the room.

"The white shirt, blue jeans and white sneakers gang's gotta stick together!" said Max, getting to his feet. He chased after her, and quickly left the room as well. Savage seemed to be fast asleep; watching Red playing the game 400 hours straight must have made him dead tired. For whatever reason, Red sensed danger on the other side of the planet, so he quickly teleported to a random modern city.

An instant later...

Scenes of chaos were spread out before him. The people acted like animals, and waited patiently in line for the next bus. Others paid for their foods, and random passersby continuously walked by while saying hello with smiling faces.

"What manner of sorcery is this!?" Roger screamed into the air. {Strangely enough, he decided to keep his origin story once again. He just wanted a different name that began with the letter "R"}.

"Hah! Fear the awesome power of normal city people magic!" a voice answered behind him. Roger turned around, and day instantly became night. A thick white mist quickly descended across the entire city, and he could barely see a mile in front of him. It was the same masked magician as before... only this time, his powers were on a completely different level.

His cape was now encased by lightning, and his purple armor seemed to be releasing electrical sparks all over the place. This time, his face was covered by a bright blue mask that matched the color of his lightning cape.

"How did you get so powerful!?" Roger asked him.

"Gwahahahahaaa! You may have defeated my previous forms... but now that I have become the Ultimate Master of Magic, I have become unstoppable!"

"Dirty liar! You're just trying to trick me!" said Roger, falling backwards onto the ground in fear.

"No; I am the strongest, and I'll prove it here!" said the Ultimate Master of Magic. He quickly flew into the air backwards, and raised his hands above his head. "Oh, ancient spirits, give me the power to create a gigantic evil pagoda!" Immediately after he spoke, a bolt of lightning struck the ground behind him, and an enormous pagoda {a tiered building} began rising up from the ground.

It quickly pierced the sky above, and extended far into outer space. The building was as wide as the city block, and the outside seemed to be made up of blue colored metal. Roger got to his feet, and attempted to rush towards the invincible masked magician. He was quickly struck down by a bolt of lightning, which seemed to have originated from his enemy's mask.

"Fool! You can't fight me as of yet!" Ultimate Master of Magic shouted out.

"Why the hell not!? Let's do this right here, right now!" Roger challenged him with his raised right fist.

"First, you must defeat my army of generic minions. Then, you will advance up each floor of the pagoda, and defeat the powerful warrior waiting for you. After you are weakened by these daunting tasks, only then will I face you in battle!"

"Nooooo! You fucking coward!" said Roger, shaking his right fist at the powerful wizard.

"Tough shit! See you at the TOP!" Ultimate Master of Magic teleported to the top of the tower after he spoke, leaving behind remnant sparks of electricity where his body once hovered in the air.

"The situation is hopeless... there's no way I can do all of the daunting tasks he mentioned alone," said Roger, looking through the misty city. Was there anyone out there... or a group of overpowered friends that could help him in such a situation? Try as he might, not a single person or group of friends came to mind. In that case, he'll have to fight the legion of approaching monsters all by himself!

Right on cue, thousands of buildings off into the distance came to life, and grew gigantic stone legs beneath them. As the legion of armless buildings steadily approached him, they caused powerful earthquakes across the entire universe. All around him, the ground was being torn up, and lifted into the air by an unseen force... an obvious sign of global warming. Just when things were beginning to look hopeless, the earthquakes caused by the approaching high-rise buildings split the entire Earth in two, and began swallowing up the fearsome monsters.

"Noooo!" Roger shouted out. He quickly flew to their side, and used stretch magic to grab hold of the separated halves of the planet. The separated chasm was over 4,000,000 feet wide, so he gained a considerable amount of strength since his arms were reached out so far. Roger grabbed hold of a single blade of grass on both sides of the separated chasm, and began pulling the Earth back together with all his magical might.

After struggling for a while, the planet quickly slammed shut, and the resulting release of energy exploded across the city. Every single one of the building monsters were destroyed, so he quickly flew towards the front entrance of the pagoda.

"It's too tall... I'll never make it in time!" said Roger, pulling his head back to look straight into outer space. Luckily, a space elevator was conveniently placed right next to the pagoda, so he rushed inside it. He pressed the 'top floor' button, and was quickly lifted into outer space in the blink of an eye. Upon exiting the large elevator, he arrived on the glass rooftop of the building.

As a stroke of luck, the space elevator was the same height as the pagoda, so all he needed to do was leap across the 5 feet gap.

"Damn it! It's too far!" said Roger, holding his head in a panic. A stray asteroid happened to be passing by, so he jumped further into outer space to catch a ride. He slammed his right fist into it, and anchored his body to the enormous asteroid without fail. Right as it conveniently passed directly over the pagoda's roof, he released his fist, and began free falling through the vacuum of space.

As a stroke of luck, he landed heavily on his knees, and crashed through the roof of the pagoda in the blink of an eye.

"Noooooo!" Roger shouted out in a panic. He began crashing through each floor of the pagoda, until he eventually fell all the way back down to the ground level. "Hahahahaa! Just like I planned!" he said while rushing towards the first powerful warrior who happened to be standing in front of him. The man was dressed inside a spiked suit of black armor, and seemed to have glowing red eyes.

He had an enormous scythe equipped to his back, which he seemed to have trouble swinging in time. Roger took advantage of his enemy's situation, and bravely ran right past him. The stairs were revealed after he defeated the first powerful warrior, so he quickly made his way to the next level. When he arrived there, there was a sign that read: "Enter, and face the next trial before going up!"

"I don't have time for such foolishness!" said Roger, ignoring the sign and running up the stairs. He ignored the other increasingly angry signs, until he arrived on the top floor of the pagoda. There, he sees Ultimate Master of Magic lying face-first on the floor, covered in a pool of blood. "He's gravely injured, but I know he conveniently has enough strength to tell me who was responsible for his injuries!"

Roger quickly rushed to the gravely injured magician's body, and turned him over to his front before holding him inside his arms.

"It's you... Roger... thank God you made it here in time... I don't have the energy to speak," said the Ultimate Master of Magic.

"Who did this to you!?"

"It was... The Cheating Wizard!"

"Nooooo!" Roger dropped him to the floor, and teleported back down to Earth. The Cheating Wizard must be stopped at all costs!
Chapter 10

The Cheating Wizard

*In preparation for the final showdown, everyone got together to undergo intensive training. Max broke his old record, and was able to do a whopping 4 push-ups. Cindy went on a 5-hour-long jog in her sports car, while Savage decided to read the world's best-selling book in all of existence, "The World's Strongest Gentleman" from start to finish. Roger decided against actual training, since he could conveniently use magic to give himself infinite power.*

Well, he told the others he wouldn't bother to train, but he actually teleported to another universe, and was about to commence his God training. {Since this was sure to be his final fight, he decided to use the name Contra Versus. He is now every bit as powerful as all his other forms put together, including the all-powerful Desperado Vengeance; the very same man that clashed against God}. He looked towards a nearby inhabited planet, and used his shrink magic to shrink it down to a regular-sized boxing glove. Contra then used his cosmic vision to spot another similar-sized world, and then pulled it towards him using the chains of life.

After pulling it forward away from him, he proceeded to shrink it down to another boxing glove, and then brought the pair of gloves to his hands using his thought alone. He placed them on effortlessly, and felt the extremely light weight of the condensed Jupiter-sized worlds struggling against his immense God powers.

"This is nothing!" said Contra, releasing a right straight through empty space. The punch flowed smoothly through the water, and he retracted it back before releasing his left straight. Again, the punch flowed smoothly through the steel wall with no trouble at all. Since his World Gloves seemed to be working properly, he decided to release another 100 trillion punches to get himself warmed up.

3 seconds later...

After brutally breaking the laws of physics, he completed 500 trillion punches in 3 seconds. It wasn't enough for him to break a sweat, so he shrunk 2 nearby suns down to size, and then equipped them to his fists instead of the pathetic World Gloves.

"The heat is on!" he yelled out as he began punching through space repeatedly. Due to his expertise of being a realistic fighter, he did the exact same punches as before with no variation whatsoever; the ultimate way to train his advanced punching techniques.

2 seconds later...

After completing over 200 centillion punches using the condensed stars, he decided that they weren't enough for him to test his might. Contra summoned a pair of distant galaxies, and quickly transformed them into Galaxy Gloves. He repeated the same process as before, and began doing the exact same repetitive punches. This time... he planned to do even more punches than ever.

An instant later...

After completing nearly half a dozen punches, his arms felt as if they were ready to fall off. Still, he had infinite energy, so such a feeling was just an illusion caused by the Master of Magic. To complete his ultimate God training, he shrunk the universe, and then shrunk the other one right outside its celestial border. They were both equipped to his hands, and he instantly felt the strain of getting annoyed with so much casual training weighing him down.

Another instant later...

He completed a googolplex amount of punches, and decided to call it a day. To find his way back to his dimension, he opened the nearby door that materialized out of thin air, and then fell through it. The door led him to Earth, and he was currently free falling above the Atlantic Ocean. After a few moments, he crashed into it, and began sinking beneath the water's surface without a struggle.

Contra had just completed his God training after all, so it was time to wash the sweat off his red clothing like any other infinitely powerful being would. He used his whirlpool magic, and began churning the entire ocean in a clockwise rotation. After a time, the whirlpool carried him further and further beneath the ocean, until he crashed into the ocean floor. The shock of the collision disrupted the immense whirlpool, and it quickly dispersed.

Since his body was cleaned by the salty sea air, he quickly teleported above the water, and slowly began walking across the water's surface.

"I have to win this fight no matter what..." he said aloud to himself. He changed his clothing into something more battle appropriate, and was now dressed in his favorite pair of black track pants and black shoes. Contra never bothered to wear a shirt, since he wanted people to admire his godly muscles. Sure, they may look like an ordinary man's muscles, but they were godly muscles, which meant that they were almost invincible to holy bullets.

He was slowly approaching Miami Beach at this point, so he summoned a 500 feet tall tsunami behind him to move faster. As he began riding the wave of water, he looked towards the city with uncaring eyes. Moments later, the wave smashed into the beach front, and washed away the nearby buildings, along with thousands of annoying beachgoers. Contra landed on his feet, and immediately began walking towards the inner part of the city.

Just then, a man wearing a white robe was seen standing a thousand yards in front of him. The man was barefoot, had long brown hair, a bushy beard, and his brown eyes looked as if they had experienced a great deal of torture in the past. Was this man another friend, or dastardly foe?

"Identify yourself!" Contra shouted out. The man teleported in front of him, and looked him square in the eyes as he spoke.

"Yo, what's up motherfucker? You think you can just waltz all over my city like that, homey?"

"What? Are you this city's guardian... or something?" Contra asked him. The man had an appalled look on his face after he spoke.

"You don't recognize Jesus Hernandez!?" Jesus asked him.

"Huh? I thought I had you killed for my sins years ago... what the hell are you doing alive?" Contra casually asked him.

"I came here to fight, homeboy; The Cheating Wizard wanted me to weaken you out before the big battle!" Jesus leapt high into the air after he spoke, and summoned his 1,000 feet tall Jesus robot from beneath the ground.

"Nooo! My powers won't work against holy machines!" Contra yelled out in a panic. By this time, Jesus had already entered inside his larger than life robot body, and looked down towards him.

"It's about time you stopped being so serious, ése!" The Jesus robot punched down using its right hand, and Contra easily evaded it by flying straight into its fist.

"I can't help but be serious... The Cheating Wizard is a pretty serious opponent..." Contra admitted. It was true, he wasn't being himself lately. Under normal circumstances, he'd be making light of every situation, or finding random ways to escape his many magical problems. This time however... the situation was too severe. "Wait a minute... you're Jesus Hernandez!?"

"Are you deaf and blind!?" Jesus asked him from high above.

"You son of a bitch! You never died for my sins!" Contra got into a drunken rage, and angrily punched into the ground. The entire planet exploded, and destroyed all other life instantaneously; Jesus never even got the chance to try out his ultimate attack: Rising Jesus Tsunami Punch. Jesus Hernandez is not to be confused with Jesus Christ; after all... this man's last name was Hernandez, not Christ.

Since the fight was finished, Contra used his world-repair magic to restore the planet back to its former glory. Immediately after he did, he was stabbed in the back by a large knife.

"Have a taste of my knife magic!" a crazed male voice shouted out. Contra punched into his chest using his right fist, and expelled the blade with no effort at all. He quickly turned around, and saw the man responsible for such a cowardly attack.

The man was bone thin, stood at over 6 feet tall, and wore a black mask to cover his face. He had flowing purple hair, and wore a tight black costume to cover the rest of his body.

"I've never seen you before... but I know exactly who you are!" said Contra, floating back through space in fear.

"Really? Then tell me... who am I!?" the crazy-sounding man screamed out.

"There's only one person I know that would stab a man in the back, and send the all-powerful Jesus Hernandez to weaken him out before a fight... you're me!"

"Bingo!" Suzy shouted out.

"My god... Suzy, what the hell happened to your manly teenage muscles!?" Contra asked him.

"It gets lonely at the top... VERY freaking lonely!" Suzy began saying. He removed the mask from his face, and threw it to the planet below. "Do you have any idea what it feels like to destroy the multiverse every single day... just for the fucking fun of it!?"

"No! You've gone mad with power! How could you betray Max like that!?" He could sense it... Suzy had lost his mind completely!

"Hahahahaha! After getting run over by that random ice cream truck the 40th time off camera, something occurred to me. This entire story makes no sense! Realistically portrayed magic is STILL magic! None of this is really happening; we're all just magical characters in a magical story!" said Suzy, breaking into maniacal laughter.

"Nooooo! Are you saying using magic destroys the foundation of our realistic themes and references!? This can't be!"

"Of course it is! For starters, explain how we can both exist at the s-" before he finished speaking, Suzy was erased from existence.

"Noooo! My powers conveniently got rid of him right before he said something critical to the plot!" Contra grew enraged, and began crying out towards the heavens. "God! Please! Pleeeease bring him back!" God conveniently ignored his pleas this time however, and instead the devil appeared before him out of nowhere.

"Sup? You know you can just bring him back yourself, right? Besides, he's not even dead, you can just use your powers to-"

"Get lost, faggot! I never asked you for your bullshit advice!"

"Fine! Take this magical orb!" said Devil, throwing him a fist-sized neon pink orb. Contra caught it with his right hand, and placed it inside his invisible shirt pocket. "The hell with you and your awesome adventures... I never wanted to join you anyway!" Devil released a single Indian tear before disappearing.

"That guy's gayness is off the charts..." said Contra, shaking his head in shame. Since no other random person decided to show up, he decided to teleport back to the living room of the mansion. As soon as he arrived, he sat down beside his friends on the large couch.

"Did you find The Cheating Wizard?" Cindy asked him.

"No... aside from the earlier references to him, I'm starting to think it was all a lie," said Contra, lowering his head in shame.

"Sir, why not play Max's new videogame?" Savage suggested.

"I dunno... I don't think it's fair for him to jump in now," Max pointed out. "I kinda went crazy with level grinding, sooo... yeah."

"Are you saying I can't beat you in a simple video game just because you're over leveled!?" asked Contra, getting to his feet.

"If you two are going to fight, do you mind doing it outside the mansion?" asked Cindy.

"Come on! Let's get this shit settled once and for all!" said Max, getting to his feet as well. The two men angrily walked outside the mansion, and arrived on the patio. Since the sun was conveniently setting, the island background looked very picturesque.

"Max... are you sure you want to do this?" asked Contra. He knew his old friend stood no chance against him.

"I'm not the same man I was before... I'm slightly stronger," said Max, staring him square in the eye.

"Only slightly stronger? After so much extra training!?" Contra yelled out with fury.

"No more talk, let's fight!" said Max with a raised right fist.

The two men sat down onto a newly materialized couch, and began playing Max's new fighting game.

Moments later...

Try as he might, Contra was unable to win a single match. It didn't make sense... the last time they played together, he was the unstoppable one! Either Max truly did extensive god training while he was gone, or...

"Max! You're cheating!" said Contra, angrily getting to his feet. "You were The Cheating Wizard all along! You over leveled punk!"

"What!? No I'm not! I just maxed out my character yesterday!" Max protested. Upon closer examination, it seemed his sidekick was telling the truth. Max's character, which resembled himself, was level 9,999. Contra's character, on the other hand, was only level 5.

"Well... damn it! Where is The Cheating Wizard, then!?"

"I'm here!" a voice answered high in the sky. Contra looked up, and saw the strange silhouette of a man falling from the heavens.

"Quick, Contra! Use the magical orb Devil gave you! It's the only way to defeat him!" Max suggested.

"What!? How do you know about the pink orb!?" Contra asked him with a suspicious look. "I'll try fighting him fairly at first. And if I fail... then I'll cheat!" He wasted no time, and teleported to the shadow continent Savage destroyed long ago.

On the shadow continent...

Contra arrived in one piece, and stood his ground in anticipation of his enemy. Despite being the shadow continent, it was surprisingly sunny, and the lush grassland stretched on as far as the eyes could see. While admiring the view of the beautiful landscape, a sudden distortion of space appeared directly in front of him. An unknown man wearing a blood red trench coat stepped out, and casually began walking towards him.

The man wore black clothing underneath his coat, and had on a pair of black boots with random metal spikes attached. His short cut and messy hair was black, and so were his frantic-looking eyes.

"The Cheating Wizard!" Contra exclaimed aloud. He equipped his Universe Gauntlets, and got into his fighting stance. This was the moment we've all been waiting for!

"Ultimate Magical Guard!" the wizard yelled out upon seeing his stance. "With this invincible shield, nothing can bring me harm!"

"Noooo! I'm outmatched!" said Contra, giving up without a fight. Since he stood absolutely no chance at breaking through The Cheating Wizard's ultimate shield, he pulled out the magical orb in a last ditch effort, and tossed it towards the invincible man.

"No! I'm conveniently weakened by your magical artifact! Now you'll be able to defeat me even though I was obviously stronger!"

"That's right!" said Contra, rushing towards him to deliver the finishing blow. "Like any other shitty story, since I'm the hero, that makes me win no matter how much stronger the opponent is, or how many impossible odds are stacked against me!" Just before Contra delivered the final blow, The Cheating Wizard's body erupted with a blast of blue colored magical energy.

"Bullshit! If I can't win..." the mad wizard began saying. He quickly teleported in the air behind Contra, and reached his arms out to his sides. "Then NO one will! I'll use my magic to end this story!"

"Noooo! You cheating son of a-!"

In the ultimate display of cheating, The Cheating Wizard used his magic to abruptly end the story.

