

### After Alex Died

### Dakota Madison

### After Alex Died

Copyright 2013 by Dakota Madison

Published by Short on Time Books

Formatted by IRONHORSE Formatting

Smashwords Edition

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"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."

Norman Cousins

### Table of Contents

Finding a Job

Counselor Orientation

Moving In

Week One

Week Two

Week Three

New York City

Week Four

After Cameron Decided to Live

Letter to Alex

Resources

About the Author

# Finding a Job

"You look like shit," my roommate, Kelli, said as she threw her gigantic suitcase on her bed.

I knew I looked bad but I didn't care. I was in major crisis mode.

"Do you want to tell me what's going on?" She flopped down on my bed next to me and tucked a few stands of her sun-kissed blonde hair behind her ears.

"Not really." I sighed.

"The beach was amazing," she continued. "Thanks for asking."

"I can see that." After a week in Cabo, Kelli had a perfect tan that I wanted to slap right off her.

She jumped from my bed and started unpacking her massive suitcase. She had more clothes in that suitcase for her week's stay in Cabo than I had in my entire wardrobe.

"And how was the hellhole?" It wasn't really a question. She just wanted to rub in the fact that I spent my Spring Break in my shit-hole of a hometown while she was at a beach resort with her wealthy parents.

"My mom sold the house," I said. I wasn't sure why I was actually opening up to my roommate. Probably because I didn't have anyone else to talk to and she just happened to be there. "My mom announced that since my brother and dad were both gone and I'm away at school, there was no reason for her to have such a big place. She downsized and bought a one bedroom condo."

"That's harsh. I guess that was her way of saying you're out of the nest. No more flying back home for you little bird."

"I guess."

"So what are you going to do for the summer?"

Kelli had a way of zeroing in on a person's most vulnerable area and striking at it. She was going to make a wonderful lawyer.

I rubbed my temples. "I have no idea."

"My parents are letting me use their condo in Maui for the summer," she said as she put her swim suits in a dresser drawer. Then she turned to face me, "I already invited Cassie and Keegan to stay with me and there are only three bedrooms."

As if I would ever expect Kelli to invite me to stay with her. We weren't exactly friends just because we lived together.

I ruminated in silence for a few minutes while Kelli continued to unpack.

"Hey, you know what?" Kelli rummaged through her backpack. "I saw this flyer. I was going to give it to Keegan's sister. She's an education major."

She tossed the flyer at me: _College Students Wanted: English majors, Education majors, Communication majors wanted to serve as group leaders for our summer college preparation program for high school students from low-income, first-generation-in-college backgrounds. Great pay! All meals and housing provided_.

They had me at _housing provided_. I grabbed a sticky pad and jotted down the information then handed the flyer back to Kelli.

"Don't say I never gave you anything," Kellie emphasized as she grabbed the paper from my hand.

# Counselor Orientation

Two Months Later

As I lugged my suitcase across campus, I noticed how quiet it was—almost desolate. Most of the students had already left for break and the summer term didn't start for another week. The only sound I could hear was a squirrel gnawing on an acorn. I would have said the solitude was peaceful but I hadn't felt at peace in a long time. My state of perpetual anxiety and depression didn't allow for many other feelings to occupy the space between my ears.

Another girl was heading in my direction with a suitcase, so I made the assumption we were headed to the same place. When I started walking near her, she turned to me and gave me a slight smile. We were about the same height but she outweighed me by about 20 pounds, all curves in all the right places. Her beautiful olive complexion was nearly flawless and her raven black hair was long and straight. What impressed me the most about her though was the way she carried herself. She definitely had a don't-mess-with-me way about her.

"I'm Sofia," she stated as she glanced at me.

"Dee Dee," I replied.

She raised an eyebrow. "Short for something?"

"Everyone calls me Dee Dee."

"Fair enough."

We walked in silence the rest of the way to Beacon Hall. All of the participants in the summer college-prep program would be staying in one of the older freshman dorms and from what I understood from my hiring interview, as Summer Counselors, we would be chaperoning the teens on their weekly trips as well as serving as their tutors, mentors and resident hall advisors for the duration of the six-week program.

Several other people who looked close to our age joined Sofia and I as we entered the lobby of the dorm. We were all lugging suitcases and other miscellaneous gear, so it was quite a feat for everyone to squeeze into the lobby through the small front doors.

We were told to meet at 9 a.m. and by that time it was just a few minutes after the hour, there were 10 of us assembled, five guys and five girls. I recognized two of the girls from my Shakespeare class. They were English majors like me but I didn't know their names. They were a year ahead of me and were in a sorority. Sorority girls didn't associate much with non-Greeks like me and especially non-Greeks who looked like me: hair dyed multiple colors, tattoos on both wrists and heavy dark eye makeup. My mom liked to say my drastic change in appearance my senior year of high school was about me putting up a wall not only to keep other people out but to keep my emotions in. She was probably right on both counts.

I scanned the rest of the group, which was a mass of unknown faces until I hit upon a face that was forever burned in my memory. Cameron Connelly. He was one of three people who I hoped to never see again for the rest of my time on Earth.

Cameron looked different than I remembered him. He was still tall and muscular, with messy blond hair and sea green eyes. But he looked older and harder than the carefree basketball player everyone in our high school adored.

I was overcome with a plethora of emotions: fear, dread, anger, hatred and every other negative emotion I had been harboring for the last two years. The feelings were so strong, I couldn't breathe. I tried to relax but the harder I tried, the more tense I became and I nearly passed out. Luckily, Sofia grabbed my arm before I fell to the floor.

"Are you okay?" Concern covered her face.

I tried to speak but the words got stuck in my dry throat. I just shook my head.

"Are you hot? Do you need some fresh air?"

What I needed was to get away from Cameron Connelly—forever.

Before I had a chance to respond, Sofia led me toward the front doors and pulled me outside.

"Take a deep breath," she ordered. I got the feeling she had younger siblings who she mothered. She had that way about her.

I inhaled a deep breath of humid New Jersey air. New Jersey wasn't known for having the finest air quality and the summers could be hot and sticky. This summer was already proving to be no exception.

Sofia narrowed her eyes. "What's going on?" I felt like she could see right through me into the deepest recesses of my soul. She was the first person who had ever looked beyond my so-called _daunting_ appearance and dark clothes (my cloak of gloom as my mother called it) to even truly see me at all.

"Nothing," I replied even though I had the distinct feeling that Sofia wasn't about to let it slide. I was right.

"Come on. Do I look stupid to you? I'm from Newark. I've not only been around the block a few times, I've been up and down it, too. Now, I'm going to ask one more time and this time you're going to give me a real answer. Got it?"

"Yeah, I've got it. I don't think you're going to have any trouble handling the high school kids, that's for sure."

That got Sofia to smile. I already figured out that she didn't smile much but when she did, it was genuine.

"Seriously, what's got you so freaked out?" she asked, her tone softened.

"There's a guy in the group, Cameron Connelly. Let's just say we have a history. From high school. He's not someone I ever wanted to see again."

She nodded as if she understood but I was sure she didn't. No one understood and that was part of the problem. The misery that shrouded me was far worse than she probably imagined.

"Well, let's make sure he stays away from you then, okay?"

I nodded and gave Sofia a feeble attempt at a smile. I couldn't remember what it was like to actually truly smile it had been so long since I'd done it.

"Let's get back in there before they start without us," Sofia offered.

I nodded and we both headed back into the crowded lobby.

***

An overweight dorm manager handed each of the counselors a room key and we were each assigned a floor to co-monitor. The dorm only had five floors, so we were each paired with another counselor. In the chaos of the room assignments and everyone grabbing their stuff and trying to cram into the elevators, I didn't see who was assigned to the third floor with me. I only knew it wasn't Sofia because she got the fourth floor.

I dragged my bag into my room and threw it on the bed. The room was larger than the dorm I was used to sharing with Kellie. It was more like a studio apartment. I figured it must have been a room used by a resident advisor during the school year. The spaciousness of the room made me feel a little exposed and vulnerable. I had become accustomed to and enjoyed the feeling of being in more enclosed spaces. I liked the feeling of being entombed, maybe because it made me feel closer to Alex.

We were scheduled for our first group meeting at 10 a.m. across the quad in the Meriman Building. During the school year, a lot of Liberals Arts classes were held there and I had taken most of the English classes in the building, so I was already familiar with it.

I didn't see any reason to get changed and my hair was already a frizzy mess from all of the suitcase lugging in the humidity. There was not too much I could do with it other than pull it back into a ponytail, which was my default style most of the time anyway.

I removed a framed photo of Alex from my suitcase and placed it on the shelf over my desk. I never had many decorations for my room but I always had a photo of Alex. It was taken the summer before his freshman year of high school. The summer when our family was still a family and we were all still happy. The summer before everything changed and broke our family beyond repair.

Mom and Dad had surprised us with a long weekend trip to the Jersey Shore. Alex and I loved to swim and splash each other in the ocean waves. We loved hanging out at the boardwalk and eating foot-long hotdogs and steak fries dipped in both ketchup and mustard. Some of my best memories were from summer vacations spent at The Shore.

I wiped at a stray tear that had escaped down my cheek. You'd think after nearly two years, I wouldn't cry over Alex but I still missed him so much.

I sucked in a deep breath and tried to mentally prepare myself for my new job. This was the first real job I ever had. Sure, I'd done my share of babysitting, lawn mowing and car washing around the neighborhood but I never actually had a job that required income tax paperwork and an actual paycheck. My parents didn't want me to work when I was in high school. They wanted me to concentrate on getting good grades and padding my resume with extra-curricular activities that would impress a college scholarship board. It paid off because I got a full scholarship to a fairly impressive school. The only expenses I had were books and incidentals.

As I exhaled, I opened my dorm room door and hoped I would also be opening a door to a new chapter in my life, or at least a chance at a new state of mind. As I was fiddling with the door lock, I heard the door of the other resident advisor room down the hallway slam shut.

I immediately froze when I saw Cameron Connelly staring at me. We both looked at each other, speechless.

Two years' worth of every horrible thing I had wanted to say to Cameron flashed through my mind. I had fantasized about running into him somewhere, like in a supermarket or coffee shop, and telling him off. I always pictured myself screaming and waving an angry finger at him. But now that I was actually face-to-face with him, all the words I had committed to memory completely eluded me. I was struck completely speechless.

I could feel the air between us fill with awkward tension but neither one of us moved. We just kept staring at each other.

"We'd better get to Meriman Hall." Cameron's voice was so soft it was barely audible which surprised me. He was always such an outspoken asshole in high school and never had any trouble speaking his mind and being heard.

I didn't respond. I just turned my back on him and walked away.

***

The Summer Counselors were scheduled to meet in Room 226. By the time I got there, most of the other counselors were already seated. I saw Sofia give me a quick wave, so I took a seat next to her.

"You okay?" she asked. She seemed to have an uncanny ability to sense my mood even though I thought I was hiding it well.

"I've been better."

She nodded.

A few seconds later Cameron made his way into the room. He scanned the small space but only two seats remained. One was next to me and the other was right in the front center of the room. His eyes bounced back and forth between the two seats as he was apparently weighing his options.

"That's the guy, isn't it?" Sofia whispered to me.

I nodded.

"He'd better not sit his ass next to you or I'm gonna tell him a thing or two. He'd better take that seat right up front." It felt kind of nice to have someone be protective of me for a change. After Alex died neither one of my parents seemed to give a shit about me anymore. It was like the best parts of both of them died with my brother.

After one final glance in our direction, Cameron made his way over to the seat in the front of the room and awkwardly squeezed into it. The seats were the kind with the small desks attached to the front of them. As a former star basketball player, Cameron was tall, easily 6-feet 4-inches, and muscular. His long legs barely fit under the desk.

"He kind of looks like he's full of himself," Sophia whispered. "I hate guys like that."

"Me, too," I agreed.

***

Dr. Elvira Jones was the administrator in charge of the College Bound Program. She was all of about five feet tall in heels but she had a booming voice and a personality to go with it. She wore a shiny golden dress, which might have looked odd on anyone else but seemed to perfectly accentuate her coffee-colored skin. If I had to guess, I would have said Dr. Jones was in her mid-thirties, not because she looked that much older than a college student but I figured it must have taken a good portion of her twenties to earn a doctoral degree.

"I want to welcome you all to the College Bound Program. I've been the Director of the program for ten years and I consider it my baby. And because it's my baby, you all need to take care of it and treat it well.

"The high school students will all be here on Saturday, which is move-in day. I expect you all to help your group members move into their rooms. We'll have a group dinner at 6 p.m. and a welcome party at 8 p.m. You'll all be the chaperones for the welcome party.

"A few rules. These are high school students. No alcohol. No drugs. No inappropriate language. All movies must be G, PG or PG-13. You are all to serve as role models for these students. I hope I don't need to explain what that means."

Dr. Jones eyed Cameron. I wasn't sure it was because he happened to be in the front row or if she could tell he was going to be trouble.

She continued, "You were all chosen as counselors for the program because you've had your share of challenges to overcome just like the program participants. You've all managed not only attend college but to do well in spite of the challenges you've faced. That's the spirit of tenacity I want these kids to see in all of you. All of the students, who participate in the College Bound Program are from low-income families and their parents have not attended college. The goal of the program is to give the students the skills necessary to succeed in college and to help them realize they are capable of doing well at the college level. I want the students to realize they don't have to be defined by their pasts. I want them to know that they can not only go to college but also succeed.

"I have a packet for each of you. It explains a little about the history of the College Bound Program and what your responsibilities will be. You've each been assigned a partner, who you'll work closely with for the next six weeks. You and your partner will have a group of six students who are your responsibility. Their parents have entrusted us with their children and we have entrusted them to you. I hope you will take that responsibility seriously."

My heart sank when it occurred to me that when she said partner I was most likely going to be paired with Cameron. After all, he was assigned to a room on the same floor as me.

My worst fear was realized when she read the partners from the sheet she was holding. Cameron and I were assigned to lead the same group and we were expected to work closely for the next six weeks. Dr. Jones asked everyone to move into a seat next to their partners and I could see Sofia give me a grin when she moved over to sit with her partner, Antonio, an attractive Latino who was grinning just as widely when he saw her.

Cameron made his way over to me and we both stared at each other.

"I want you all to get to know your partners," Dr. Jones announced. "You'll have to learn to rely on each other and trust each other."

I shook my head. I just couldn't do it. There was no way I could spend the summer with Cameron and there sure as Hell was no way I could be his partner. If he was the last person on Earth I couldn't rely on him and I certainly would never trust him.

I hurried out of the room and made it partially down the hallway before I burst into tears.

I could hear two sets of footsteps coming down the hall after me. When I looked up, Dr. Jones was glaring at me and Cameron was standing right behind her, gawking at me.

"What's going on?" Dr. Jones's tone was harsher than I expected. She was one tough woman, no doubt about that. It made me wonder what her story was. People usually didn't end up that tough without some kind of story.

"I can't work with him," I managed to sputter between sobs.

Dr. Jones placed her hands on her hips. Her eyes narrowed. "Why not?"

I was about to reveal the whole story but then I stopped. I gulped it all back and pushed it down my throat. "I just can't."

Dr. Jones shook her head. "Not good enough. Do you want this job or not?"

It wasn't a matter of want it was a matter of need. I didn't have anywhere else to go. "Yes," I muttered.

"Yes, what?" Dr. Jones pushed.

"Yes, I want the job."

Dr. Jones looked at Cameron. "And what about you? Do you have a problem working with Deidre?"

"Everyone calls me Dee Dee," I added.

Dr. Jones glared at me again. I wasn't doing anything to endear myself to her that was for sure.

"Do you have any problem working with Dee Dee?" The way she emphasized Dee Dee made it sound like I was in kindergarten being scolded by the teacher.

Cameron merely shrugged.

That made Dr. Jones cross her toned arms over her chest. "A shrug is not an appropriate response to my question. When I ask a question, I expect a proper response. Got it?"

"Yes," Cameron said. His voice was still soft and unsure. This meek Cameron was so unlike the cocky boy I remember from high school.

"Now, I'll repeat my question. Do you have a problem working with Dee Dee?"

Cameron's eyes flashed to me then back to Dr. Jones. After a moment, he said, "No."

I glared at him and he looked away.

Dr. Jones turned back toward me. "Well, Cameron is required to be here and it sounds like you want to be here, so the two of you need to find a way to work it out."

"Is there any way you can pair me with someone else? Anyone else."

Dr. Jones shook her head. "A lot of thought went into which teams would be working with which kids. All of the rooms have been assigned based on the teams. It's too late to change them now."

I heaved a long, slow sigh. Was there any way I could survive working with Cameron Connelly? At the moment, the idea was unfathomable but I didn't seem to have any other options.

"Okay," I said finally, although the words felt like a death sentence.

"Fine. I expect the two of you to work out whatever problems there are and I don't want there to be any trouble. Got it?"

Cameron and I both nodded.

"Got it?" Dr. Jones repeated loudly.

"Yes, Dr. Jones," Cameron and I stated simultaneously. A shiver ran through me when Cameron's gaze met mine and I felt like I was going to be sick. Some of Cameron's evil words to my brother echoed through my head. _Gay boys like you don't deserve to live_.

I could feel a bead of sweat run down my face and I quickly swiped it away with the back of my hand. Cameron's eyes were fixated on the back of my wrist, probably trying to figure out what my tattoo said. After Alex died, I had the back of both of my wrists inked. My left wrist says: _Born This Way_ with Alex's date of birth. My right wrist says: _It Gets Better_ with the date Alex died. Not only did I want to honor Alex with two of his favorite things, the Lady GaGa song and the organization for gay kids who face harassment, I also felt like I had a permanent reminder of my brother and carried him with me wherever I went. And to be honest, I also knew if I inked my wrists, I would be less likely to cut them when I had the urge to die, which was more often that I wanted to admit. I knew there are many ways to kill myself but at least I eliminated one option. And since I don't have access to a gun that option is out, too. Survivors of suicide, like me, are a high risk group. Even though we know what it's like to have a loved one die by suicide many of us still think about doing it ourselves.

As much as I wanted to die sometimes, I still wanted to live more. I often wondered what it took for Alex to tip the scales and finally decide that death was better than life. The night of Homecoming was bad. Really bad. What Cameron and his friends did was unforgiveable. Was it the last straw after weeks of harassment? When did he decide that things might not get better? Or maybe he just couldn't wait for them to _eventually_ get better? They were all questions I would never get answers to.

"Are you ready to go back into the classroom?" Dr. Jones's question brought me back to the present moment.

"Sure," I lied. I wanted to go back to my dorm room, pull the shades closed, listen to some depressing music and sulk. I had gotten so skilled at sulking, it had become like a hobby. I spent most of my freshman year of college doing it. I was lucky to have a good-looking roommate with loose morals and lots of friends. She spent nearly every night in a room other than the one we shared.

"Remember what I said." Dr. Jones glanced back and forth between Cameron and I. "I don't want any trouble."

Dr. Jones turned on her heels and marched down the hallway toward the classroom. I was surprised how fast she could walk considering her size and the fact she was in three-inch heels. Even Cameron was having difficulty keeping up with her.

All of the other pairs of counselors seemed to be having fun, talking and laughing. When I glanced at Sofia, she was smiling as she touched Antonio's shoulder. Dr. Jones hadn't stated explicitly that counselors couldn't have relationships with each other but it was certainly implied in her speech. The way Sofia and Antonio were interacting with each other, I thought they might hook up even before the end of counselor orientation.

Cameron and I took seats in the back corner of the room facing each other. Cameron was looking down at the laces of his Nike sneakers. We sat in silence for what felt like an hour but when I glanced at the clock on the wall not even a minute had gone by. We still had 20 more minutes until the end of the session and our break. Those 20 minutes were going to feel like 20 years if one of us didn't say something.

Finally, I cleared my throat and Cameron glanced up at me. His green eyes seemed to hold something I wasn't expecting: anguish and defeat. I knew those eyes. I had seen them in the mirror staring back at me more times than I could count.

I just couldn't fathom how those anguished eyes had gotten on Cameron, the star of our high school basketball team, the big man on campus. In high school, he exuded so much confidence he was often perceived as being cocky. How could someone like Cameron possibly feel defeated?

But he looked as broken as I felt.

"So," I managed to mutter. My throat still felt dry and the words were hard to get out. "We're supposed to be getting acquainted with each other."

Cameron nodded but he didn't offer anything else. He just stared at me. I didn't know whether he was waiting for me to say something about myself or if I was supposed to ask him a question. I kind of liked it better when he was staring down at his shoelaces.

"Are you still playing basketball?"

He shook his head then turned away. His eyes were moist and it looked like he was blinking back tears. He swallowed then cleared his throat.

I waited to see if he would say anything else but he didn't elaborate. My head was spinning out of control. It was bad enough to be sitting across from Cameron Connelly, one of the three people in the world I absolutely despised. But to be sitting across from Cameron and seeing him be a person I didn't even recognize was completely blowing my mind. I needed someone to hate. Someone to be a target for all of my rage. And the cocky jocks, Cameron and his friends, had always fit the bill.

"So you didn't go to Penn State?" I remembered hearing that he had gotten a full basketball scholarship. It had been all over the local news.

Cameron shook his head again. The conversation was so one-sided it was in danger of toppling over but it didn't seem like Cameron was going to participate any more than absolutely necessary.

"I just finished my freshman year here." I thought maybe talking about me instead of him might elicit more of a response.

"I know."

How in the world did he know that? How did he know anything about me? Or even care?

"My mom moved out of town. She sold the house and got a condo close to The Shore." I'm not sure why I mentioned that. I guess it was still bothering me and I really didn't have anyone to talk to about it.

"My parents kicked me out. I've been living with my brother in Pennsylvania."

That shocked me. When we were in high school, Cameron's parents were his biggest fans. I remembered going to basketball games and his mom and dad would be wearing matching T-shirts with Cameron's photo on the front.

"My mom got a one-bedroom condo," I admitted. It still hurt.

"That's harsh."

I shrugged. "I'm an adult. She said she needed to cut down on expenses. I get it."

A look of realization seemed to cross his face. "So that's why you said you needed this job. Free room and board."

I put my index finger to my nose.

"I'm not as dumb as I look," Cameron joked. _Dumb_ was the last thing you'd ever say Cameron looked. He was one of the guys every girl wanted to date in high school. Tall, muscular, blond with flawless features and a winning smile, he was the complete package. Everyone thought he'd make millions of dollars not just playing professional sports but getting tons of endorsement deals. He was the type of all-American looking guy you'd imagine being on a cereal box.

"That doesn't explain why you're here. You've got a place to live."

He swallowed then rubbed his forehead. He suddenly looked uncomfortable. "I needed a way to finish my probation hours quickly so I could accept a scholarship at a school up in Boston. My probation officer hooked me up with his gig."

Anxiety poured through me as I thought about why he was on probation. All the memories of Homecoming and Alex's suicide came flooding back. My breath caught as I fought back a sob.

Cameron was staring at his shoelaces again and I knew the conversation was over. Luckily it was almost time for our break.

***

I stood out in the warm sun trying to clear my head. As I took a deep breath of the humid air, I could feel someone grab my shoulders from behind. Sofia came around in front of me and gave me a broad smile.

"This may end up being the best summer job ever."

"I don't think Dr. Jones will approve of you and Antonio hooking up," I warned her.

"Why do you have to burst my bubble like that?"

"I'm just saying..."

She crossed his arms over her chest. "I didn't hear Dr. Jones say anything about not dating our co-workers. And I already checked the packet. It doesn't say anything about it in there either."

I shook my head in disbelief. "You already checked the packet?"

She nodded.

"It may not say anything but I still wouldn't cross Dr. Jones. She's one tough woman."

"You're telling me, if one of the hot guys we're spending the summer with, came on to you, you'd refuse?"

"First of all, you're making a huge assumption that any guy, hot or not, would hit on me. There's no evidence to support that assumption."

Sofia raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?"

"Yes."

"I find that difficult to believe. If your hair wasn't a rainbow of various shades of cotton candy pink and blue and you went a little lighter on the eyeliner and you wore something other than black, you'd probably have every guy knocking on your door."

"Maybe I don't want any guys knocking on my door."

"Girls?" Sofia offered.

I shook my head. "No, nothing like that. I'm just dealing with a lot right now. I don't need a guy to complicate things."

"Does Cameron know that?" Sofia gave me a sly grin.

"Cameron?" I scoffed. "Even if he was the last guy on Earth, it would not be a consideration. I told you, we have a history. Besides, he's way out of my league anyway."

Sofia actually laughed. "That boy is _not_ out of your league. And there's definitely something going on between the two of you. I can feel the energy between you. You can't deny it."

"The energy you feel is hatred and disgust."

"Okay, whatever you say." Sofia's expression was dubious.

"Look, you don't know what happened when we were in high school."

"Care to enlighten me?"

I shook my head. "I don't really like to talk about it."

Sofia placed a hand on my upper arm. "Sometimes talking about it helps."

But bottling it up inside was easier. "I think break's over. We'd better get back inside.

***

We had one more session before lunch. Dr. Jones explained the curriculum for the program and described some of the weekend activities where we were expected to chaperone the students. We were going to be taking the kids on major overnight trips to New York City and Washington, DC as well as a number of day trips to historical sites around New Jersey. When I glanced over at Cameron, he was looking at me and he looked lost. If I didn't know what an asshole he was, I might have felt sorry for him.

By the time we actually made it to lunch, I was starving. I filled my tray with French fries and a mustard/ketchup combination that I loved and Sofia grabbed me by the elbow and led me over to a table she was sharing with Antonio.

"Nothing like eating healthy," Sofia teased as I sat down.

"Potatoes are a vegetable and ketchup is made from tomatoes and they're healthy."

She rolled her eyes and picked at her salad.

"Does that even have dressing?" I asked.

"No," she complained. "I'm on a diet."

"You do not need to lose any weight," Antonio said as he looked Sofia up and down. "You've got the right amount of everything in all the right places."

Sofia grinned and then bit into a cucumber.

"Where's your partner?" Antonio asked as I was about to pop a fry in my mouth.

I glanced around the cafeteria and pointed my fry at a table in the corner where Cameron was sitting by himself eating a hamburger.

"Why don't you invite him to sit with us?" Antonio suggested.

"I don't think that's a good idea," I replied.

"Why not? It would be nice to have another guy to hang out with."

I looked at Sofia to give me a hand but she just shrugged. I got the feeling that she was going to be taking Antonio's side on things from now on.

When I saw Cameron glance around the room, I waved to try to get his attention. He gave me a strange look like he wasn't sure why I was waving at him. I gestured for him to come over, so he grabbed his tray and headed over to our table.

As he stood uncomfortably at the head of the table, Antonio said, "Hey, man. Want to sit with us?"

Without saying a word, Cameron took the seat next to Antonio, which was directly across from me.

"What's up?" Antonio asked.

"Not much," Cameron replied. He picked up what was left of his hamburger and lifted it to his mouth but then thought better of it and let it fall back on his plate.

"The food here sucks," Antonio said. "I go to Rutgers. The food's pretty good there. Better than average. This is like dog shit." Antonio pushed the pizza on his plate away from him in disgust.

Cameron nodded in agreement.

"So, where do you go to school?" Antonio asked.

Cameron shuffled in his seat. He looked uncomfortable. "I'm at the community college," he muttered.

My jaw dropped. Cameron got a full scholarship for Penn State. How did he end up at the community college?

"That's cool," Antonio said.

"So, how do you know Dee Dee?" Sophia asked. I elbowed her in an effort to get her to stop but she just glared at me.

I stared at Cameron in an effort to persuade him to keep his trap shut but he wasn't looking at me. He was playing with the French fries on his tray.

"We went to high school together." When Cameron glanced up at me, his green eyes looked flat and lifeless.

"That's what Dee Dee said," Sofia added. She eyed me as if she wanted me to elaborate. I knew she was digging for information but I wasn't ready to dish it out yet. I never talked about Alex's death and what happened to him his freshman year in high school. I lived with my roommate, Kellie, for a year and the only thing she knew was that Alex died. She never asked for any details and I never volunteered any information.

I had a feeling that Sofia wasn't going to give up that easily. I had known her for less than a day but I already knew she was the type of person that always got her way.

Antonio looked at me then he looked at Cameron. "Did the two of you date or something?"

I nearly spit out the French fry I had shoved into my mouth. "No," I nearly shouted.

Cameron looked at Antonio. "No, man. It wasn't anything like that."

Antonio nodded but he was still looking back and forth between us with a puzzled expression as if he was trying to figure what was going on.

Why would anyone think Cameron and I had dated? The idea was absurd.

"I'm a little freaked out about the trips we've got to chaperone," Sofia admitted. "Especially taking high school kids to New York City. That seems like a recipe for disaster if you ask me."

Antonio made a dismissive gesture. "They're sixteen and seventeen year olds. They're going to be seniors in high school. It's not like they're little kids. I'm sure they'll be fine."

"I would be less nervous if they were little kids," she replied. "Big kids can think of more creative ways to get in trouble."

"You have a point," I agreed.

Cameron cleared his throat and spoke. "These are kids from disadvantaged backgrounds. They had to work really hard to even be considered for this program. It's an honor and it's also a responsibility. I don't think they'll give us much trouble. I just don't think they'd do anything to jeopardize their ability to finish the program and what it means for their futures. They're not like spoiled rich kids—"

"Who have everything handed to them on a silver platter," I interjected.

Cameron glanced at me and continued, "And then throw it all away because they don't appreciate it."

Both Antonio and Sofia were wide-eyed. I don't think they expected him to speak that bluntly. What they didn't realize was that he was the spoiled rich kid he referred to in his speech. He once had everything and he didn't appreciate it. Now it sounded like he lost it all.

When most of the other counselors started to grab their trays and head towards the exit, I figured it was time to get back to work.

"Guess lunch break is over," Antonio said as he hopped out of his seat and grabbed his tray. Sofia followed him and that left Cameron and I seated at the table. I rose from my seat but then I thought I heard Cameron say, "Wait."

He was looking up at me with his flat green eyes. He swallowed and I waited for him speak. "I never told you how sorry I was."

I folded my arms over my chest. "Sorry for what?" I wanted to know if he was just sorry for my brother dying or sorry for what he did—or both.

He gulped. "Sorry for everything."

"That's not good enough," I spat as I turned and hurried away.

***

The afternoon sessions were a blur. All I could think about was Cameron's lame attempt at an apology. _Sorry for everything_. That was nowhere close to being good enough. I wanted Cameron to admit what he had done. I wanted him to take responsibility for his actions and his role in my brother's suicide. He was alive and my brother was dead and I wanted someone to blame—I needed someone to blame—and I wanted that someone to be Cameron.

***

At dinner, I saw Cameron sit at the table with the two sorority girls. _Figures_. They were definitely his type and I had a feeling he'd eventually make his way over to them. I found out their names were Rachel and Renee. They looked so perfect-in-every-way, I wondered what obstacles they could have possibly had to overcome to be working with the College Bound program. Dr. Jones did say that was one of the criteria for getting hired. Somehow, I didn't think breaking a manicured finger nail or having a bad day hair qualified as an obstacle.

I sat my tray of greasy looking pizza next to Sofia's. She had another salad and a yogurt. Antonio was brave and decided to try the lasagna.

As I plopped in the seat, Antonio asked where Cameron was.

"How should I know?" I snapped.

Antonio looked like I had slapped him and I immediately felt bad.

"He is your partner," Antonio replied.

Sofia looked at me then looked at Antonio and pointed over to the corner table where Cameron was seated with Rachel and Renee. Antonio nodded in understanding then looked at me with soft eyes.

"Do you like him?" Antonio asked. I thought it was a weird question coming from a guy.

"I hate him."

I wasn't even sure hate was the right word to describe my feelings for him but it was the closest thing I had at the moment. My feelings ranged from revulsion to bitterness and anger to confusion and sometimes even fear. And I didn't like myself very much when I was around him because of all of the negative feelings I felt toward him. Sometimes I felt guilty about them, like I shouldn't hate him as much as I did, like I shouldn't carry so much rage against another person for so long. All of the negativity ate away at me, too. And seeing him, laughing with the sorority girls, made me feel as though all my negative feelings toward him didn't matter anyway. He was going to go on with his life regardless of how I felt toward him.

"You know," Sofia said. "There's a fine line between love and hate."

"Not in this case," I blurted. "Believe me when I tell you this is all hate. There's never been any love there and there never will be."

"Whatever you say." The way Sofia cocked her eyebrows let me know that she didn't believe me.

"So, tomorrow is Friday, you know what that means," Antonio grinned with excitement.

"One day closer to the kids being here," I replied.

Antonio frowned. "It's time for us to let loose and party."

"I refer back to my previous statement. The kids will be here early Saturday morning. Do you think it's really a good idea for us to party Friday night?"

"I don't think it's a _good_ idea. I think it's a _great_ idea." Antonio now had a big grin on his face.

Sofia turned to me. "Girl, you have to go out with us."

I didn't want to admit that if I went out with them, it would be the first time in my college career that I had actually done so. It would be the first time anyone had even bothered to ask me.

"You have a definite maybe," I said finally.

"Aww," Antonio protested. "You've got to go out with us." I wasn't sure why it was so important to him for me to join them. I would have thought he would want to take Sofia out on his own—just the two of them. Or maybe that scared him. Maybe he wanted me to be a bit of a buffer until he had enough courage to make a move on Sofia.

"Okay," I agreed. "But only because I don't like it when you pout."

"Pout?" Antonio scoffed. "Did you see me pout?" He looked at Sofia for assistance.

She held back a grin. "Maybe a small pout."

"Seriously?" He put his hand to his chest. "You're killing me. Guys are not supposed to pout."

Sofia rolled her eyes. "Guys pout all the time. Believe me. I know. I have four brothers."

Antonio looked at me. "So, what are some of the best places to hang out on Friday night?"

I shrugged. I truly had no idea.

"Where do people go to dance?"

I wanted to say: _Do I look like I dance_? But I held my tongue. Instead, I racked my brain to try and remember any places my roommate might have mentioned that she went on a Friday or Saturday night. Boogie's? No, that wasn't it. Bogey's. The place I remember them talking about the most was called Bogey's.

"There's a place called Bogey's," I suggested.

"Let's give it a try," Antonio decided. "You in, Sofia?"

Sofia laughed. "Was that a rhetorical question? If there's music and dancing, I'm there."

***

By Friday evening, I was exhausted. Dr. Jones had put us through a full day of first aid and emergency response training. I wasn't sure how I would have enough energy to actually get to Bogey's let alone dance once we were there. But I had made a commitment to Antonio and Sofia and I didn't want to let either of them down.

Cameron didn't say more than two words to me the entire day. I noticed him staring at me a few times and when I caught him looking at me, he quickly turned away. He continued sitting with Rachel and Renee at all of our meals and I imagined the two of them fighting over him at some point. I wondered which of the two he would choose. They were both blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauties. Rachel was a bit taller and slimmer than Renee but I thought Renee had sexier curves.

As I scanned the sparse selection of clothes in my closet, I was overcome with anxiety. I didn't have anything to wear to a dance club. What was I thinking accepting an invitation to go out? And as I was so often reminded, I looked like a freak. Who was ever going to ask me to dance? The very idea seemed ludicrous.

A soft knock on the door startled me and I slammed my closet closed in disgust. When I opened the door, Sofia was standing there with a small satchel.

"I thought you might need some help," she said as she marched into my room.

"Come in," I teased as she was already making her way to my closet.

As she swung my closet door open, she shrieked. "Black pants, black skirt, black shirts. Do you have anything that's not black?"

"My underwear."

Sofia glared at me. "That's the thing that _should_ be black."

She pulled a bright scarf from her bag. It was a mixture of different hues of pink and rose. It actually matched my current hair color. "We need to give your wardrobe a little color and brighten you up a bit."

"Maybe I don't feel very colorful or light," I complained. "Maybe my dark clothes are a reflection of how I feel."

"This is going to be like Method Acting. Pretend to feel happy until you actually do feel happy. At least while we're at the club. When you get home, you can be all morose again."

"Fine." I grabbed the scarf and stared at it for a minute. "What do I do with it?"

Sofia looked me up and down. I was wearing black jeans and a short sleeve back top. She grabbed a black dress that was hanging in the closet and made me change into it. Then she wrapped the scarf around my waist like a belt.

"See," she said pointing into the full length mirror on the back of my door. "You look hot."

I thought hot was a bit of an exaggeration but at least I wouldn't completely stand out as a total weirdo at the club.

"Now let's do something with your make up."

Sofia sat me down at my desk and laid out a bunch of products from her bag. Within minutes, she had me completely made over.

"You have beautiful green eyes. They look so much better without all the heavy dark makeup."

She dragged me over to the full-length mirror again and I examined myself. I was surprised at the transformation just a few changes could make. I did look lighter and freer. Not as closed and cloaked in sadness.

"Now if you'd let me do something with your hair...but that's a project for another day."

"Thanks," I said still looking at myself. Maybe my mom was right. Maybe it was time to let go of my cloak of despair. It was scary, though, because I had depended on it for so long. Ever since Alex died.

"What are friends for? Now let's go dance our asses off."

***

When Antonio met us in the lobby, he whistled. Sofia did look fantastic. She was wearing a tight black mini-dress that accentuated all of her curves and she put a few waves in her beautiful black hair. I watched as Antonio took her in. I could tell he had already fallen for her. I wondered if Sofia even realized it.

"How did I get so lucky? I have the honor of escorting two gorgeous girls to the club tonight."

I gave Antonio a dubious look. "You've got that half right."

He frowned. "How can you doubt me?"

"I think you're just being nice."

"One thing you'll learn about me," he said pointing to his chest. "I always say what I mean and I mean what I say. I'm a straight shooter."

Sofia grabbed Antonio by the elbow. "Okay, Mr. Straight Shooter. Let's shoot straight to the club. How does that sound?"

Sofia winked at me and the three of us headed off.

***

The club was already packed by the time we got there and it reeked of stale beer and sweat. We all took the red underage bracelets for our wrists. Sofia and Antonio told me they had fake IDs but they didn't want to risk getting caught and losing their jobs. They seemed to be just as afraid of Dr. Jones as I was. We were there to dance, anyway, so we hit the dance floor, which was already packed tightly with people.

"You were right," Antonio yelled over the music at me. "There's a lot of action here."

He grabbed Sofia's hand and pulled her deeper onto the dance floor. I watched as the two of them got closer and danced. I wondered if there was ever going to be a guy to take interest in me that way. Antonio couldn't keep his eyes off of Sofia. He seemed to be really taken with her. I scanned the sea of dancers all moving to the techno-beat until my eyes landed on Cameron. He wasn't dancing either. He was doing the same thing I was doing, participating vicariously on the sidelines.

I was surprised that he wasn't in the middle of the dance floor, getting the crowd riled up. That's what the Cameron I knew from high school would have done. That's what I had seen him do at a number of school dances. That's what he did on that ill-fated Homecoming night, right before Alex killed himself.

When Cameron's eyes met mine, I quickly turned away and saw Sofia and Antonio headed in my direction. Sofia grabbed my elbow and I tried to protest but she pulled me on to the dance floor with her and Antonio.

I attempted to lose myself in the beat of the music. I wanted to shut my mind off just for a few minutes—to forget about my shitty freshman year of college—to forget about my mother selling our house and moving and to forget about Alex's suicide.

But I couldn't forget. That was the problem. All I could do was remember. And the constant remembering was tearing me apart.

After a few minutes, a slow song came on and Antonia grabbed Sofia and pulled her close. I watched as couples paired off and the remaining non-paired people, like me, exited the dance floor. I decided to get some water, so I headed over to the "Underage Bar" where they served non-alcoholic beverages.

I could feel someone come up behind me when I ordered my water. I turned to see Cameron standing a few inches from me. I suddenly felt nervous. What did he want? I wanted for him to just leave me alone. I may be required to work with him but I wasn't required to socialize with him.

"Can I buy you a drink?" he asked. I nearly choked.

"No," I replied without thinking. He looked like I'd slapped him.

"I'm having water," I clarified. "It's free."

He nodded. He was staring at me and it made me feel very uncomfortable.

"You look different," he said.

I wondered if that was good or bad but I didn't ask. I really didn't want to engage in conversation with Cameron any more than necessary.

"I like the belt." He made a movement to touch the end of the scarf, where it was tied, but I backed away before he could.

"Don't touch me," I warned. I continued to retreat until my back was against the bar.

Embarrassment seemed to wash over his face. "I didn't mean to—I—um—I don't know what I mean."

"What do you want, Cameron?"

He bit his bottom lip as if he was thinking about it. Then he just shook his head. "I don't know," he whispered. I wasn't sure if he was actually saying the words to me or to himself.

"I'm going to dance," I declared. I wasn't sure I even wanted to dance but I knew I wanted to get away from Cameron.

I gulped down the water I ordered then threw the small plastic bottle in the recycle bin. I hurried back onto the dance floor and joined Sofia and Antonio, who were now both drenched with sweat but still going strong. The two of them really seemed to like to dance and they both had great moves.

I tried to get lost in the music again but it was so hard with Cameron's words running through my head. _You look different_. _I want to apologize_. _For everything_. He made me so angry and confused.

When another slow song came on, I quickly exited the dance floor. I pulled the cell phone out of my pocket and glanced at the time. I couldn't believe it was nearly eleven. I suddenly felt exhausted.

After the song ended, Sofia and Antonio joined me near the bar.

"Do you want anything?" Antonio asked.

I shook my head. "No, I think I'm going to get going."

"No way!" Antonio declared. "It's still early. It's not even midnight."

"The kids are moving in tomorrow," I reminded him.

He gave a dismissive wave. "Not until ten."

"You two can stay. But I'm tired."

Sofia shook her head. "You are not walking back to the dorm by yourself. No way."

"I'll be fine," I assured her. "I've lived here for the past year, remember."

I didn't want to tell her that as many times as I'd walked back and forth from campus to the off-campus retail area, I had never actually walked there after dark by myself.

Sofia raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure," I lied. I was anything but sure. "You two have fun."

Sofia gave me a quick hug. "See you tomorrow."

"Bright and early," I added.

As Sofia and Antonio headed back on to the dance floor, I took a deep breath and headed towards the exit. I knew it was probably really stupid to walk by myself in the dark back to the other side of campus but I was going to do it anyway. I didn't want to be a burden on anyone, especially two people, who actually could be the first two real friends I'd had in what felt like forever.

As I stepped outside, I got a chill, even though it was still hot and humid. Then I realized the reason for the chill—footsteps echoed behind me. Panic gripped me until I heard a voice say, "Dee Dee, wait!"

I stopped and turned to see Cameron standing a few inches from me. I instinctively took a few steps back to put some distance between us.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

The question struck me as odd. "What do you mean?" I replied.

"Are you walking back to the dorms by yourself?" He seemed to have genuine concern in his voice.

I made a point of looking to my left, then to my right, then I glanced behind me. "Yup, all by myself." I turned away from him and started walking until he grabbed my elbow.

"Wait," Cameron ordered.

I spun around again and glared at him. "What part of don't touch me didn't you get?"

He let go of my arm but he held my gaze. "I don't think it's safe for you to walk by yourself."

There was so much I wanted to say. So much venom I wanted to spew. But I was too tired and Cameron actually looked so vulnerable. So, I just crossed my arms over my chest and waited.

"I can walk you home," he offered.

"I'm not some charity case."

"What does that mean?"

"I noticed your beautiful blonde friends didn't show up, so you've got nothing better to do than to walk the poor lonely girl home."

He shook his head. "You're really messed up."

Rage swept through me. "That tends to happen when you find your brother hanging dead in his bedroom closet."

Cameron cringed and he nervously gnawed on his top lip. "I didn't mean to say that."

"But you're the king of saying shitty things, aren't you?"

He gulped. "Can I just walk you home, please? You don't even have to talk to me. I'll walk a few steps behind you, if you want. I just want to make sure you're okay."

"Fine, whatever." I was too tired to argue anymore. All I wanted was to get home and get to bed.

I turned and started walking. Cameron stayed by my side and we walked in silence until we got back to our rooms.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Cameron said as he unlocked his door.

"See you tomorrow," I replied.

Just before Cameron went into his room, I said, "Thanks for walking me home. You didn't have to do that."

I thought I saw the tiniest hint of a smile cross his face but just as quickly, it was gone. "There's still a lot I have to do."

Before I could respond, he was already in his room.

# Moving In

Move-in day was absolute chaos. I found it difficult to believe that the six high school students assigned to our group could create such pandemonium but somehow they did. Luckily, each student was assigned to a single room because there were already conflicts that I was sure would escalate and having a place for each of them to have a time-out suddenly felt like a wonderful option.

Cameron and I were assigned three guys and three girls: Lyle, Ryan, Hunter, Grace, Savannah, and Destiny. They had all just completed their junior year of high school but most of them looked much older than high school students and it was a little intimidating.

Dr. Jones told us that some of the kids wouldn't have parents dropping them off, which was kind of sad. Lyle had his older sister move him in. She couldn't have been more than a few years older than me but she looked tired and worn down. Lyle was a big guy, probably already close to six feet and easily 240 pounds. I'm not sure why I was surprised but it caught me off guard when I noticed he was wearing a Human Rights Campaign bracelet. Then I noticed his sister was wearing one, too. It made me wonder if Lyle was gay. Just as I was about to speak with Lyle's sister, Destiny's mother caught my attention.

"I want to thank you for providing Destiny with the opportunity," she said. She was a beautiful Asian woman, who looked to be in her mid-thirties. Someone could have easily mistaken her for an actress or model, if she had been wearing nicer clothes. The outfits that she and Destiny were wearing had seen better days.

"It's my pleasure," I said even though I didn't have anything to do with actually giving her the opportunity to participate in the program. I guess I already felt some ownership of the program in a way, even though it was technically still my first week on the job. The morning had been so stressful, it felt like it had been three weeks long.

Destiny's mother continued. "Please let me know right away if Destiny causes you any difficulty."

"I will. Thank you."

Before I could say another word to Destiny's mother, I heard a scream. My eyes darted up and down the hallway for the source of the shout.

Ryan and Hunter were playing catch with something black and furry and it looked like Destiny was trying to grab whatever it was from them while Grace and Savannah looked on and laughed.

I hurried over to the group but Cameron beat me to them.

"What's going on here?" Cameron asked as he grabbed the black, furry thing in mid-air. I stood next to Cameron and we both looked down at a pathetic looking teddy bear. The poor thing looked like it had been slept with for years. Its fur was matted in some places while in other places the poor thing had bald spots where the fur had completely worn away.

"It's mine," Destiny stated reaching her hand out for the bear. She looked panic-stricken. Cameron seemed to sense the desperation in her tone and demeanor because he immediately surrendered the bear to her.

Destiny pulled the bear into her small frame and hugged it. She didn't seem to be much taller than five feet and weighed probably ninety pounds. She was dressed in all black, which I could relate to but instead of going on the wild side with her hair coloring like I did, hers was jet black. She was also heavy on the eye makeup like me, or like I was, until Sofia gave me a make-over. I kind of liked the new look, so I kept it—at least the makeup part. Looking at Destiny was like looking into a smaller Asian version of myself when I was a senior in high school.

"We don't take other people's belongings," Cameron announced. "Got it?"

A few heads nodded and there were a few grunts as the kids scattered. They were in for a real surprise when they came face-to-face with Dr. Jones. I could hardly wait.

The rest of the morning was relatively quiet as the kids went into their rooms to unpack. I took the opportunity to take a quick break in my room. After being a loner for so long, I already missed my alone time.

I only had a few minutes of solitude before there was a knock on the door. I expected it to be one of the kids in need of something so I was surprised to see it was Cameron.

"What do you want?" I asked.

When I saw Cameron's face fall, I immediately regretted my tone. "Do you want to come in?" I offered.

Cameron looked unsure so I added, "Or we can talk in the hallway?"

"I'll come in," he said finally.

I took a few steps away from the door so he could enter. He put his hands in the front pockets of his jeans and rolled on his heels. "I thought you might want to talk about our initial impressions of the kids and maybe lay some ground rules for them."

"I have a feeling Dr. Jones will lay out some pretty strict rules for them to follow," I replied.

"Yeah, you're probably right."

He continued rocking on his heels. He seemed to be uncomfortable.

"Would you like to sit down?" I pointed to the chair that was next to the desk.

Cameron made his way to the chair and sat. The chair wasn't large enough to accommodate his height, so he looked like a fifth grader trying to squeeze onto a first grader's chair. I took a seat on my bed and faced him.

Cameron glanced over at Alex's photo that was sitting on the shelf above my desk. He stared at it for a few moments and I wondered what he was thinking. When he finally looked back at me his eyes were wet and it looked like he was blinking back tears. That caught me off guard. I gulped and tried to maintain my composure. I wanted to stay on task. I wanted to talk with Cameron about the kids we were charged with overseeing. I had no intention of talking to him about Alex.

"So, who do you want to start with?" I asked.

It seemed to take Cameron a moment to realize I was talking about the kids. "Oh, um," he muttered. "How about Destiny?"

"That bear seemed very important to her. Almost like a security blanket."

Cameron nodded. "What is it with girls wearing all black?"

I glared at Cameron for a long moment until he finally realized his mistake.

"I didn't mean—I'm not—I just..." He rubbed his temple nervously. "How do I always manage to say the stupidest things when I'm around you?"

I wanted to say: _you've said some pretty stupid things even when you weren't around me_ but I decided to let it go.

"I can only speak for myself but I wear black because it's a reflection of how I feel most of the time."

He nodded and we both looked at each other. I had never taken a really good look at Cameron. Probably because I was so disgusted by the very thought of him. But in the nearly two years since Alex died, Cameron had matured. He was no longer the popular high school jock and he wasn't the bully I had known either. He was different. Part of me hated the fact that he had changed because I wanted him to remain someone I could hate. I didn't want him to be a human being with dimensions and shades of gray. I wanted everything to be black and white. I wanted him to still be the stereotypical jock I could use as a target for my anger and someone I could blame for Alex's death.

"What about when you don't feel that way?" he asked. "Dark, I mean. Do you have a pink top hiding somewhere in your closet? Maybe a green dress that you sneak around in once in a while?"

I didn't think it was possible but Cameron Connelly actually made me smile.

"No, I don't have anything in my closet that isn't black but I'm not opposed to the idea, just so you know."

Cameron gave me a slight grin. "Good to know."

"So, if we're done talking about my clothing choices, maybe we can get back to the kids?"

Cameron nodded. "I think Ryan and Hunter are going to be a handful. They have trouble written all over them."

"Hmm, do they remind you of anyone, perhaps?"

Cameron frowned.

"Oh, come on. They look like popular jocks."

Cameron raised a finger. "I thought we'd already established that looks can be deceiving."

I folded my arms across my chest. "Care to make a wager on that?"

"No, you're probably right."

"I say those two boys are football players. And I say Grace and Savannah are cheerleaders."

"So what about Lyle?" Cameron asked.

I had a feeling Lyle was gay but I didn't want to express that to Cameron. I was suddenly uncomfortable. Everything that Cameron and his friends said and did to my brother ran through my mind like a never-ending play-loop. I wanted so badly for that play-loop to stop but it never did.

I glanced over at the clock. "It's getting late. We have to get the kids rounded up and over to Meriam Hall for their Welcome session."

"Okay," Cameron said as he rose from the chair. He seemed a little confused or maybe taken off guard by my sudden change of direction. "Maybe we can talk more later?"

"Sure," I agreed as the two of us headed out of my room.

***

I stared into the sea of young faces staring back at me. All of the program participants were seated in the classroom and all of the counselors were standing in front of the class with Dr. Jones.

Several of the kids looked eager, maybe too eager, a few others looked scared to death. Was it only two years ago that I was in their shoes? It didn't seem possible that I was ever that young and innocent. The summer before my senior year of high school, I felt like I had the whole world ahead of me and my future was bright. Then, a few months later, everything changed. After Alex died, my world turned black and clouded by the dark fog of death that still hadn't completely lifted.

Two years was a long time to be in a state of depression.

Dr. Jones stepped up to the podium and began what I was sure was a rehearsed speech. She was animated and tough. She told the kids how important it was to get an education. That most people without a degree couldn't hope for more than minimum wage jobs. She talked about the state of the economy and how in a post-industrial world, only the educated could get ahead. If I hadn't already been in school, her speech would have motivated me to attend college.

"The College Bound Program is a bridge," Dr. Jones stated. "It's a bridge that will take you from where you are to where you want to be. It's an opportunity to develop the skills and foundation for success in college and beyond."

Dr. Jones made a point of looking several students in the eye. I could see them quickly avert her gaze. She was tough and they all looked intimidated.

"The College Bound Program isn't going to be easy but it will be rewarding. Nothing worth having is ever easy and the biggest challenges in life usually bring the biggest rewards."

When I snuck a quick glance at Cameron, he was staring at me. Why? Why wasn't he looking at Dr. Jones or the kids or the cute blonde counselors? Why was he looking at me? The corners of his mouth upturned ever-so-slightly and I quickly looked away. When I glanced at Sofia, she was giving me a strange look. She raised an eyebrow and I just shrugged. I knew she was going to ask what had happened between me and Cameron and eventually I would have to tell her the whole sordid story.

Dr. Jones continued with her opening speech and the kids seemed to be hanging on her every word. She had that way with people. If she hadn't become a university program administrator, she would have made a fantastic politician.

"And now for the rules," Dr. Jones said.

I heard a few moans and several kids rolled their eyes.

"No eye rolling." Dr. Jones looked directly at one of the offenders, a small girl who immediately started squirming in her seat.

"No moans, groans or exaggerated sighs. Keep your opinions to yourself unless you're asked a direct question and then I expected a direct answer, such as Yes, Dr. Jones."

This time Dr. Jones's eyes fell on Ryan and Hunter. I could see she was already sizing up the pair. I was glad to see the boys nodded in agreement and Dr. Jones moved on.

"Your packets contain a list of Unforgiveable Infractions. That means if you're caught engaging on any of the activities on the list, you will be immediately expelled from the program, no questions asked. You are all under the age of 18. You are not adults and you are under our care. We take our role as guardians of your safety and well-being very seriously. Is that understood?"

A dead silence overtook the auditorium as the kids stared at Dr. Jones in terror. A few of the kids in the front row seemed to be visibly shaking.

"Is that understood?" Dr. Jones repeated.

Nothing. They all looked at her wide-eyed, seemingly afraid to make a mistake and say or do the wrong thing.

"When I ask a question, I expect a response. In this case, Yes, Dr. Jones would be an appropriate response."

Dr. Jones scanned the group. "So, I'll try again. Is that understood?"

"Yes, Dr. Jones," the kids all replied in unison.

"You've all been assigned two counselors, one male and one female. I expect you to treat your counselors with the same level of authority and respect with which you treat me. Is that understood?"

"Yes, Dr. Jones," the kids replied again. They were quickly getting the hang of it.

"On Monday, you'll begin your classes. They are designed to prepare you for the rigors of college-level writing, quantitative analysis, critical thinking and research. The classes run from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. with a break for lunch. You're expected to study in the afternoon until dinner break and then the evenings are devoted to socialization and appropriate leisure activities. You have a list of approved activities in your packet. Every weekend, we have planned cultural activities in which you are required to participate, no exceptions."

Dr. Jones told us we weren't required to attend classes with our group but it was recommended because we were expected to serve as tutors if the students had difficulty. In order to be selected for the College Bound program, a student had to be in the top or his or her class, they had to be from an economically disadvantaged background and they had to be first-generation in college, meaning neither of their parents had a college degree.

The program was extremely competitive. Most of the kids who completed the College Bound Program were accepted into elite universities. I didn't know how much I could help them if they needed tutoring. I always did well in school but I certainly wasn't at the top of my class like these kids. I still wanted to attend the classes, though, if only for my own education. I always liked school and loved to learn.

***

The kids spent Saturday afternoon engaging in more orientation training with Dr. Jones, while the counselors set up the cafeteria for the Welcome Party. We had a budget of only two hundred dollars, and that included pizzas and soda, so we had to be creative with the decorations. We handmade some welcome banners and got streamers and balloons.

I noticed Renee and Rachel went right over to Cameron to "help" him decorate his banner but it was more like fawning all over him. Not that I cared.

I worked on some smaller signs while Sofia and Antonio tried to hang the banner we had made. When I saw they were struggling, I hurried over to grab the center, which was flopping but ran right into Cameron, who had hurried to help them at the same time.

"I've got it," we both stated as our bodies collided and I could feel Cameron grab me before I fell on my ass.

The banner fell to the ground as both Sofia and Antonio tried to come to my rescue.

"Are you okay?" I heard Sofia say in my still dazed state.

"I'm so sorry," Cameron said. "I was so focused on the banner, I didn't see you until it was too late."

"I think I'm more stunned than anything else," I admitted as I wiped dust from my backside.

Sofia glared at Cameron. "Don't you have your own banner to worry about? I thought the legally blondes were helping you."

Cameron stuck his hands in his pockets and rocked on his heels uncomfortably. "Rachelle and Renee decided to hang up streamers with Dwayne and Shayelle instead. I think they got a little bored with me."

Bored with him? That struck me as odd. In high school he had girls clamoring to spend time with him. I never heard any cheerleaders say they were bored with Cameron or any of the star athletes. I guess a lot had changed since then.

"Maybe you can get Dee Dee to help you finish your banner," Antonio offered.

"I'm not done with my signs yet," I stated quickly.

"Sofia and I can finish your signs. You go help Cameron."

Now I was glaring at Antonio and it pissed me off when he gave me a little match-maker's grin. While I appreciated the gesture, Cameron was not a guy I wanted to be matched with. Not now, not ever. I realized I would have to have a serious talk with both Sofia and Antonio.

I realized that Sofia, Antonio and Cameron were all staring at me waiting for my answer. "Fine," I spat and marched over to Cameron's poster without another word to any of them.

Cameron quickly caught up to me and said, "You really don't have to help me if you don't want to."

"I said I would."

"Okay."

I sat at one end of the empty banner and Cameron sat at the other. "You haven't even started," I observed.

"I know. I wasn't sure what to write or how to write it."

I looked over at Cameron. He was nervously biting his top lip.

"It's really not a big deal," I assured him. "It's only a banner."

"I don't want to make a mistake."

"We bought white paint. We can use it like correction fluid and paint over any mistakes you make."

When Cameron looked at me, his eyes held real worry. There was something going on that was more than just the banner.

"Since Sofia and Antonio already made a Welcome banner, why don't we just write _Summer Fun with College Bound_ or something like that?"

Cameron nodded. "Okay. What color should we make the lettering?"

"Why don't we do a rainbow and use all the colors? That would go along with the fun in the title?"

Cameron actually laughed and I narrowed my eyes at him. "What's so funny?" I asked.

When Cameron peered over at me, I could see he was trying not to grin. "The girl who wears _all_ black _all_ the time wants to use all the colors."

As mad as I was at Cameron for just existing when my brother didn't and as mad as I was for him calling me out on my fixation with wearing black, a small part of me was actually happy to see him smile.

"Seriously," he said. I could see some warmth return to his eyes. "I'm glad to see you add a little color back into your life."

I nodded. _Me, too_ , I thought. _Me, too_.

***

The kids loved the party. It could have been the fact that they were starving and there was a lot of pizza. You can never go wrong with pizza.

Dwayne and Shayelle were siblings, a year apart, and both gorgeous, with lovely mocha skin and beautiful tiger-brown eyes. They could have just as easily spent the summer modeling as working as counselors for the College Bound program. The siblings volunteered to deejay the party and the songs they selected were a big hit with the teens. The counselors seemed to be enjoying the songs, too, because most of them were on the dance floor too.

Sofia and Antonio were showing a group of kids some steps to a new line dance. And it looked like Rachelle and Renee's partners, Max and Tommy, had finally gotten the girls to dance with them. Max and Tommy knew each other from high school and were self-proclaimed band geeks, definitely not the type of guys Rachelle and Renee would normally go for but their interest in Cameron seemed to have waned a little when he didn't reciprocate their flirtation while banner making.

I tried to keep an eye on the six kids who were our responsibility. As I suspected, Ryan and Hunter had gotten Savannah and Grace to dance with them. The kids were doing their best to keep up with some of Sofia and Antonio's dance moves. Lyle was hanging out with Dwayne and Shayelle helping them deejay.

That only left Destiny unaccounted for. I scanned the crowd of sweaty teens on the dance floor but I didn't see her anywhere. I had a moment of panic at the thought of getting fired for losing a kid the very first day of the program until I saw her in the corner of the room talking to Cameron.

I couldn't hear what they were saying but their body language and facial expressions led me to believe it was a pretty serious conversation. I saw Destiny wipe away some tears that had streamed down her face and Cameron handed her a paper napkin and she blew her nose.

I hurried over to make sure everything was okay. I got the feeling Destiny had some serious issues she was dealing with and I didn't really trust Cameron to help her deal with them.

I was surprised when I approached and I heard Destiny say, "Thanks, that does help."

"Is everything okay?" I asked.

Both Destiny and Cameron stared at me and I suddenly felt like an intruder.

"I think I'm going to find Lyle," Destiny announced.

"He's helping Dwayne and Shayelle with the music." I pointed over to the deejay area where he was standing.

Destiny nodded and then made her way to other side of the cafeteria.

"What was that all about?" I asked my eyes fixed on Cameron's.

"She was a little upset," Cameron replied.

"Yeah, I saw that. What was she upset about?"

He took a deep breath then exhaled. "The other girls in the group are making fun of her."

I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him. "And you really think you're the best person to give advice to someone who is being bullied?"

He crossed his arms over his chest and glared right back at me. "Maybe I am."

"Oh, yeah, right," I scoffed.

His eye narrowed. "What I said obviously helped."

"Why don't you talk to the girls who are actually doing the bullying and get them to stop? Since you have intimate knowledge of what makes a bully tick."

Cameron looked like he was giving it some thought. "I think the two of us need to talk to all of our kids about bullying."

I gulped. I wasn't sure I wanted to go where he was leading. "Just our kids or all of the kids in the program?"

"All of the kids in the program," he said decisively.

"I'll think about it."

He frowned. "I can do it with or without you. I don't need your permission or your blessing but I'd like to have your support."

"This isn't easy for me," I admitted.

"Do you think this is easy for me?" he shot back.

"Easy for you?" I could feel rage start to boil up inside. "Why should anything be easy for you?"

"You have no idea what I've been through," he whispered.

"Well at least you're still here. Alive. Alex isn't."

"There were a lot of times I wish I wasn't."

"There were a lot of times I wish you weren't either," I admitted.

When our eyes met, I could see Cameron's were filled with pain. It was a pain so familiar it made my stomach clench. It was the same pain I saw in my own eyes when I looked in the mirror.

"It's getting late," I said. "We should probably start gathering the kids and getting them back to their rooms.

Cameron nodded. "Think about what I said."

I wanted to say: _How could I not think about it_? But I just nodded and turned to walk away.

***

On Sunday, Cameron volunteered to take all the kids in our group to the gym for a volleyball tournament against the second floor. Antonio said he'd take their group, so that left Sofia and I some time to try and get some laundry done.

"One good thing about having all dark clothes is that you've only got one load."

I laughed. "I've got some white underwear and bras."

"Well, that's dumb. Why not go with all black, just to save on quarters every week in the washers."

She had a point.

The communal laundry room that all the residents shared was fairly small with just four washers and four dryers. We each took two washers and separated our whites and darks into the appropriate piles.

"So, are you going to tell me what's up with you and Romeo?" Sofia asked as she threw a bra into her white's pile.

"Who's Romeo?" I asked feigning ignorance.

She placed her hands on her hips. "You know exactly who _Romeo_ is. Now spill."

"First of all, I think you're mistaken about the whole Romeo thing."

"I am not _mistaken about the Romeo thing_ ," she mocked. "That boy looks at you like a love sick school boy."

I shook my head. "He's definitely not looking at me the way you think he is. That isn't love or lust, it's guilt. He feels sorry for me, that's all."

"You're wrong." Sofia was insistent and it was starting to make me mad.

"You don't know the whole story. If you did, you'd know you were way off base."

"The laundry is going to take at least 45 minutes, so why don't you tell me the whole story."

That was it. If I was going to let Sofia into my life I would have to tell her the whole ugly truth. Maybe that was the reason I hadn't made any friends since Alex died and why I kept to myself my freshman year of college. I didn't want to have to talk about Alex's death and explain all of the nasty details surrounding it.

We both sat down on the plastic chairs they had placed between the washers and dryers. They were about as comfortable as Hell on a hot day. I felt like I was sitting on a concrete slab but they would have to do.

"Ever hear of Alex DeMarco?" I asked over the loud sloshing noises of the washing machines. There was something oddly comforting about doing laundry. The monotonous sound of the laundry as it beat against the side of the washer and the faints smells of detergent and fabric softener calmed me and made it easier to say everything I needed to say.

Sofia thought about it for a moment. "The name sounds vaguely familiar."

"He was my younger brother. His suicide made national news."

"Why?"

"Because three of our school's star basketball players were arrested and charged with criminal harassment following his death. The media called it a hate crime because my brother was gay."

Sofia eyes were wide. She gulped but no words came out of her mouth.

I continued. "My brother killed himself on his 15th birthday, two days after Homecoming. I found him in his bedroom closet. He hung himself."

I didn't think it was possible but Sofia's eyes grew even wider.

"Alex was a wonderful person. He was one of the funniest people you'd ever want to meet. He could always make almost anyone laugh. I thought for sure he'd grow up to be a comedian or a writer because he could tell the best stories. He was a smart kid and extremely creative but other kids just couldn't see anything but his sexual orientation. He was bullied every day on the school bus, in the hallways, in the cafeteria. Guys made lewd gestures at him and called him derogatory names. Kids taped gay pornography to his locker. Someone even threw a dildo at him in the lunchroom. He told me that gym class was the worst. He said the guys would corner him and yell things at him like _God hates fags_ or _Gay boys are better off dead_. He was scared that the harassment would escalate and he'd get beat up."

A teardrop escaped down Sofia's face and she quickly wiped it away with the back of her hand.

I continued. "In the first two months of his freshman year, my brother went from being a straight-A student at the top of his class to barely passing. My parents tried everything they could to help him but they couldn't stop the other kids from bullying him. They even talked to the school principal but he wouldn't do anything. The school's football team was on track for another state championship and he expected the school's basketball team to reach state-champion status as well. The athletes ruled the school and basically could do anything they wanted without reproach. My town was a place where your value was based on how athletic you were."

I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself. "The night of the Homecoming Dance was the last straw, I guess. I told my brother not to go. I had a bad feeling about it. But he loved music and he loved to dance. He said he wasn't going to let the _asshole athletes_ destroy his _high school experience_. And I guess he didn't want me to go alone."

"They made a video of my brother, dancing and having fun, but they altered it. They spliced photos of men kissing and touching each other then added lewd comments and hate messages. They emailed the video to everyone at school and then uploaded it to YouTube. The video went viral and my brother was horrified. He couldn't believe that tens of thousands of people from all over the world made derogatory comments about him like he was going to Hell and that he didn't deserve to live because he was gay.

"Three of the school's star basketball players were responsible for making and distributing the video. They were also the key players in the harassment my brother faced every day at school.

"After my brother died, the police opened an investigation and the three athletes were arrested. Our small town was completely divided by the ordeal. Half the town thought the boys should have been charged with murder and the other half didn't think they did anything wrong. One of the boys, who distributed the video but wasn't actively involved in creating it, testified against the other two in a plea agreement. The story made national news because the three boys all had basketball scholarships to Big Ten schools and the news labeled the ordeal a hate crime."

Sofia just stared at me, her face a mask of shock and horror. It was a look I had grown used to and I saw it every time people heard about Alex. "I'm so sorry," she managed to mutter.

"Thanks."

"I can understand why you wear black all the time."

I nodded.

"So, what does all of this have to do with Romeo? Was he one of the basketball players who got arrested?"

"He was the one who got the plea agreement."

Sofia shook her head in disbelief. "He doesn't seem like the type. He's kind of quiet and soft-spoken."

"Yeah, well, he wasn't like that in high school. He was kind of an arrogant jerk. Just like his friends."

"I can see that, too. But maybe everything he went through made an impact on him. Experiences like that change people."

I shrugged.

"And I still think he likes you."

"Are you kidding me right now? It's nothing but guilt and shame and maybe even regret."

"I know what I see and I can see it in his eyes."

One of my washers slowed to a stop and I emptied the contents into one of the dryers, slipped in my coins and started it up. When Sofia's washer stopped, she followed the same routine.

"Suppose by some weird twist of fate, he did like me," I said. "And I'm saying this only hypothetically because I don't think there's really a snowball's chance in Hell. But let's just say if he did, then what? It's not like I'm going to actually date one of the guys who was arrested for criminal harassment of my brother. Alex killed himself at least in part because of what they did to him. How can I ever forgive something like that?"

She nodded. "It would be one fucked up situation, that's for sure."

"I've dealt with enough fucked up situations for one life time," I assured her. "I definitely don't need any more."

# Week One

Monday morning came too soon. Spending the evening making sure the students didn't get into too much mischief during their free time made me feel ten years older than them instead of just two.

I was a little worried about Lyle. I didn't know if I was projecting fears because of what happened to Alex but I didn't want any of the other kids to mess with him. I noticed Cameron took a little extra time to make sure Destiny was okay. She seemed to be but that didn't mean much. My brother seemed to be doing fine right before he hung himself.

For the first time in two years, I actually felt disgusted looking into my closet and seeing all black. Maybe what Cameron said had gotten to me. Maybe it was time to add a little color back into my life. I was just so used to wearing black that it seemed like second nature to me.

I joined Sofia and Antonio in the cafeteria for breakfast. Sofia had yogurt and fruit but Antonio had loaded his plate with eggs, bacon, pancakes and syrup. All I could stomach that early was coffee, half milk.

I watched in awe as Antonio shoveled forkfuls of breakfast foods into his cake-hole (or in this case _pancake_ -hole).

I was surprised when Cameron took the seat next to me. I glanced over at Sofia and she mouthed _Romeo_ then grinned.

"Where's your breakfast?" he asked.

I held up my coffee cup. "You're looking at it."

He furrowed his brow. "Don't you know breakfast is the most important meal of the day?"

"Yeah, well, no one bothered to tell my stomach that. It usually doesn't wake up until after noon."

Cameron took a bite of the fruit salad, yogurt and granola mixture in front of him. Then he said, "I spoke with Dr. Jones about the bullying incident with Destiny. I told her that I wanted to do a presentation about bullying."

I almost choked on the sip of coffee I had taken. "I thought you were going to give me a chance to think about it," I complained.

"How much time do you need?" he asked. "I think this is important and needs to be addressed."

When I glanced over at Sofia, she was looking back and forth between the two of us, her eyes wide. I noticed Antonio was still shoveling food into his mouth oblivious to the conversation Cameron and I were having. I guessed that meant that Sofia hadn't said anything to him about the _issues_ Cameron and I had.

"What did Dr. Jones say about it?" I asked.

"She wants us to do a presentation today."

"Today?" I nearly screamed. I shook my head. "There's no way I can talk about it today."

"Why not?"

"I just can't." I stood and tried to leave but Cameron grabbed my elbow.

"Don't go," he said.

"Then don't make me talk about things I don't want to talk about."

"But we have an opportunity to make an impact on these kids. So they don't have to go through what we've gone through."

"And just what have you gone through," I said incredulous.

Cameron's eyes narrowed. "My life was completely and totally ruined."

"At least you have a life," I scoffed. "My brother is dead."

"And how long are you going to be someone who defines her life by someone else's death?"

I could feel my blood boil and my face grow hot. I noticed Antonio had stopped eating and was staring at me. Sofia's eyes were fixed on Cameron. Both of their mouths were gaping.

"You're a real asshole," I shot back as quietly as I could considering how angry I was. I didn't want to break Dr. Jones's rule of no profanity. I felt like slapping him but I didn't want to make too much of a display in front of the kids, who had slowly filled up the cafeteria while we were talking. "I don't know why you even bother to talk to me," I spat. "You seem to think I'm stuck on Alex's suicide. Why don't you just leave me alone and let me define myself by his death?"

He shook his head. "I won't let you."

"I don't need your permission and I don't need your blessing." I threw his words right back at him.

He let out one stiff laugh. "But you obviously can use my support."

"I don't want anything from you," I hissed.

"You don't have to be this way." Cameron gave me a pleading look. "I remember what you were like before—um—before any of this happened."

"You mean before Alex hung himself. Say it. I want you to say it."

Cameron averted my gaze and set his jaw. "Before Alex killed himself." His words were cold, devoid of emotion.

"Look at me," I demanded.

When Cameron's eyes met mine, I could see they were wet. "You were so young, and beautiful and innocent," he whispered. "I feel like I stole that from you."

Now I was the one to let out one stiff laugh. "You stole a lot more than that."

"I wish I could do or say something, anything, to take away your pain but I know I can't and I'm sorry for that."

"Save your pity, Cameron," I muttered as I started away.

"Let her go," I heard Antonio say as I headed toward the exit.

***

I guess Cameron decided against his bullying lecture because it didn't happen on Monday. Cameron kept his distance from me and I was glad for the reprieve. Whatever Sofia was thinking when she thought of the two of us together was completely insane. Now, we were so far apart, I wondered how it would be possible to even work together. I thought we'd probably have to communicate only when necessary.

I took a long walk after dinner to clear my head. I ran into Sofia and Antonio coming back from the gym and they walked with me for a while.

"That's some pretty heavy shit between you and Cameron," Antonio said.

"That's one way to describe it," I replied.

"I'm sorry you lost your brother."

"Me, too."

"I lost my brother, too," Antonio admitted and it surprised me.

"What happened, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Nah, I don't mind. He was older. He joined the Army right out of high school. He died in Iraq."

"That must have been hard on your family."

Antonio nodded. "Yeah, especially my mom. He was the first born son. She was always so proud of him."

"I'm sorry you lost your brother."

"Me, too," Antonio said.

The three of us walked in silence the rest of the way back to the dorm.

***

By Friday night, I was exhausted. I think the rest of the counselors were, too, because no one even mentioned going out to the club. We had an early start on Saturday morning because we were taking the kids on a trip to the Thomas Edison Home and Laboratory. I always liked science and technology and was excited about seeing the place where some important inventions were developed. I wasn't sure how the kids would respond to the trip but I hoped they'd enjoy it.

A charter bus was waiting for us bright and early Saturday morning. I managed to gather my group and get them out to the bus a little early with no help from Cameron. I had no idea where he was, which actually worried me a little bit. I hadn't seen him since dinner on Friday when he sat with Renee and Rachel. I don't know if it made me more hurt or angry, which made me even angrier.

Dr. Jones was already waiting outside the bus with a clipboard and whistle. She was dressed in all white, white polo shirt, white capris and little white Sketchers. She even had on a white sun visor. She always looked perfect in every way and I admired her for that. I had more of the just-rolled-out-of-bed and barely-put-together look going for me.

"Good morning, Dee Dee," Dr. Jones said in her usual spunky tone.

"Good morning, Dr. Jones. Wonderful day for a trip to Edison's home."

"That it is," she smiled.

She glanced around. "Where's your partner?"

I gulped. I didn't want Cameron to get in trouble but I honestly had no idea where he was. "He should be here shortly," I said, which wasn't a lie exactly. He was supposed to show up soon. He'd better if he wanted to keep his job.

The other counselors and their kids all streamed over and took places on the bus. It was organized chaos as everyone tried to find places that made them happy. As I glanced around, I noticed that Renee and Rachel were also missing. Tommy and Max had brought their groups to the bus on their own. My stomach sank when I thought about why Renee, Rachel and Cameron could all be late.

Dr. Jones blew her whistle and all eyes were immediately pointed in her direction. "Thank you all for participating in our cultural activity this week, which is a visit to the Edison Home and Laboratory. I've asked Dr. Mayfield to join us today and he has graciously agreed to be our guest host. He's an expert in historical engineering and just happened to write a book about Thomas Edison's inventions. Please give a hand to Dr. Mayfield."

Dr. Jones motioned to a gray-haired man, who looked to be in his late 60s, seated in the front row with her.

As the kids applauded and cheered, I glanced out my window for any signs of Cameron and I could feel myself starting to get anxious. But why? Did I really care if Cameron was late? I knew I could handle the six kids on my own if I had to and I knew I could always join my group with Antonio and Sofia's and the three of us could oversee twelve kids.

Maybe I was worried about Cameron getting fired and that pissed me off. Why should I care? If he was gone, I wouldn't have to worry about standing in front of all the kids and talking about my brother. I wouldn't have to be constantly reminded about his death whenever I saw Cameron. Part of me wondered if it might be a good thing for him to get fired but another part of me knew I would miss him. That was the part of me that scared me to death.

Before I could think about it any further, Cameron hurried on to the bus. His shirt was rumpled like he'd slept in it and his hair was messier than usual. His eyes were puffy and had dark rings around them. He scanned the bus then slipped into the seat next to me.

Seconds later, Rachel and Renee hurried on to the bus. At least they had on fresh clothes and had put their hair in ponytails. They were both wearing dark sunglasses, probably to hide puffy and dark eyes like Cameron's.

"Nice of the three of you to join us," Dr. Jones stated as she made a point of looking at her watch. "With 30 seconds to spare. I'm not sure what the cause of your tardiness is but I trust it won't happen again."

"Yes, Dr. Jones," the three of them muttered in unison.

"The drive to the Edison home will take about an hour. Please keep the conversation and noise level to a minimum."

"Yes, Dr. Jones," everyone replied as the bus driver closed the door and pulled away.

"What happened to you?" I whispered angrily to Cameron.

He rubbed his temples. "I was out a little too late."

"You think?" I shot back. "I had to cover for you."

He shook his head. "You don't _have_ to do anything for me. I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself."

"I can see that. I guess Rachel and Renee took good care of you. Maybe too good."

Cameron looked like he was going to say something else but then just stopped. He shook his head. "You think I'm an a-hole anyway. What difference does it make?"

"Since when do you care what I think?"

"What makes you think I don't care?"

Did he really care about what I thought of him? It was a question I hadn't truly considered. I had just made assumptions based on past experiences. Things had obviously changed a lot since then.

"Can we at least agree to do our jobs?" I asked. "It's not fair that I had to get everyone ready and on the bus by myself."

"You're right. I apologize for being late and putting you in a precarious position with Dr. Jones."

"Just don't do it again."

He grabbed his sunglasses from his front pocket and put them on. "If I remember how I feel right now, there won't be a repeat performance, believe me."

I elbowed him in the shoulder.

"Ouch, what did you do that for?" he protested.

"No napping."

"Okay, fine. No napping. You're like a mini Dr. Jones."

That made me smile. He might have thought it was a jab but I considered it a compliment.

The drive to the Thomas Edison National Historic Park seemed quick but that may have been because I was excited to get there. I knew it was kind of dorky but I really got into history and science. On the drive there, Dr. Mayfield told us a little bit about Edison and his inventions as well as the infamous feud he had with Nicola Tesla. Alex always had a thing for science and he liked interesting inventions. He would have loved seeing Edison's Laboratory, although he always said he liked Tesla better. Maybe it was because Tesla was an underdog and never appreciated in his time. I think that's how Alex felt, too.

Half of our large group went on a tour of Edison's Laboratory while the other half toured Edison's Glenmont Estate. The girls in our group voted to see the mansion first and they were quite persuasive, so we joined the Estate tour group first.

As we walked through the 29-room Queen Anne Victorian style mansion, the kids seemed to be in awe, at least the girls and Lyle were. I wasn't sure about Ryan and Hunter, who were cracking jokes and goofing around.

While a tour guide explained some of the unique construction features of the home, Cameron pulled me aside and whispered, "Are you still mad at me?"

"I wasn't mad," I replied. "More like disappointed."

"I think that's worse," Cameron sighed.

"We really should pay attention to the tour guide," I admonished. "Remember, we're supposed to be setting a good example for the kids."

"Yes, Ma'am," Cameron said as he gave me a wide grin. It took every ounce of willpower I had not to smile back. But I didn't want to give Cameron the impression he was actually getting to me even if he was.

The kids in our group were surprisingly engaged when we made our way to the laboratory. Even troublemakers, Ryan and Hunter, seemed to enjoy seeing the historic lab and learning about Edison's innovations and inventions.

Despite actually enjoying myself for the first time in a long time, I still felt a twinge of sadness that I was there and Alex wasn't. I wondered if I would always feel that way—whenever I had an experience that I knew Alex would never have—would I always feel sad that he was gone?

"What's wrong?" Cameron whispered to me as we headed toward to buses for the drive back to the dorms.

"Nothing," I said although it felt like a lie.

"I can see something's wrong," Cameron insisted. "It's etched on your face."

I heaved a sigh. "Just missing Alex."

Cameron nodded but he didn't comment. But what could he say?

"I just wonder if I'll always feel this way—like something's missing because Alex isn't here."

"I don't know," he admitted. "But I don't think so. I think you can get to a point where you miss Alex but don't feel like something's missing. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, it does."

"Glad I could help," he offered.

I didn't think I'd ever see the day when I'd be able to say that Cameron Connelly did something to help me but I guess that day had arrived.

I wasn't sure how I felt about it, though.

# Week Two

"Are you ready yet?" Cameron asked as he sat down at the lunch table with me. Antonio had decided to take Sofia to Subway for lunch rather than having to endure the cafeteria food again. Since it was free for me to eat as a counselor in the program, I planned on eating every meal in the cafeteria regardless of how edible (or inedible) it appeared to be.

"Ready for what?" I asked even though I had an idea what he meant: the speech to the kids about bullying.

He raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?"

I sighed. "No, I'm not ready yet."

"Well, you'd better get ready."

My eyes narrowed. "You are not planning to do what I think you're planning to do."

"I am."

"Please don't."

Cameron turned to face me. "Look at me."

I put my fork down and looked into Cameron's eyes. "Happy?"

"I haven't been happy in a long time but that's another issue. We're talking about making you happy."

That caught me off guard. I didn't expect Cameron to say he wasn't happy. And why did he care whether or not I was happy.

"Exactly how is talking about Alex's death to a room full of kids going to make me happy?"

"Your life has to be about more than Alex's death. I don't think you've given yourself permission to let him go. I think this could be a first step."

"And what are you, some kind of psychologist? Do you think you're my grief counselor or something?"

"Probably the _or something_ fits."

"And why should I trust you?"

"You're already at the bottom anyway. You pretty much have nothing to lose."

He had a point. I had to give him credit for making some good points.

"Okay," I agreed finally. "I'll do it. But if it makes things worse, it's your fault."

"It already is, isn't it? Don't you already blame me for Alex's death?"

I nodded.

He shrugged. "Well, then you probably couldn't hate me anymore than you already do anyway."

"I don't hate you," I admitted and was just as surprised as he was when the words came out of my mouth.

"That's a step in the right direction then."

"And exactly what direction is that?" I asked.

"I already told you. I'm taking you down the road to your happiness."

The road to my happiness? What did he mean by that?

He continued. "And I'm taking you down that road, even if I have to take you kicking and screaming."

"Why am I so important to you all of a sudden?"

"All of a sudden?" He let out a single laugh. "Is that what you think?"

"If we hadn't ended up as counselors in this program, I doubt you would have ever given me a second thought."

Our eyes met and I was suddenly extremely uncomfortable. A small part of me felt attracted to Cameron. I tried to bury that feeling deep inside but it kept rearing its ugly head.

"I don't believe in coincidences." Cameron continued staring at me and his gaze grew intense. "There's a reason we ended up here together. I think you and I both know that."

"Are you talking about some kind of karma or something like that?"

"Yeah, something like that. I want you to know that there hasn't been a day that's gone by in the last two years that I haven't thought about both you and Alex."

I found it hard to believe. The Cameron I knew was a selfish prick who didn't care about anyone but himself. The person sitting beside me was not the Cameron I knew. Or at least the one I thought I knew. I was so confused.

I rose. "I've got to get going. I need to brush my teeth before the afternoon classes start."

"We're all meeting in the auditorium."

I gulped. That meant it was go time. I had to get ready to face one of my biggest fears.

***

I could feel my heartbeat quicken as I entered the auditorium. The kids were talking and messing around as they waited for the class to begin. The other counselors, with the exception of Cameron, were also seated in the audience with the kids. Cameron was standing at the podium with Dr. Jones.

When Cameron saw me walk in, he winked at me. I didn't know whether to slap him or hug him. Therein was the problem.

Dr. Jones waved her arms to get everyone's attention. "Quiet everyone. We have a special presentation today. Cameron is going to talk to you about bullying and how it impacted his life."

"Who would bully him?" one of the kids cracked and the other kids laughed.

"Enough," Dr. Jones reprimanded. "I expect you to give Cameron your attention and utmost respect."

Cameron took the podium. "Thank you, Dr. Jones. I'm here today to talk about bullying. Not because I was bullied when I was your age but because I was a bully. And it ruined my life."

When I looked out over the sea of faces, all eyes were trained on Cameron.

"I thought I had everything. I was one of the school's first string basketball players. We were all-state champions. I already had a full basketball scholarship to Penn State. I was popular. I had tons of friends. I could get a date with any girl in the school. And I lost it all."

The kids were all enthralled. He had completely captured their attention. He had mine, too.

"There was a freshman named Alex. He was a small kid, kind of geeky. He thought he was a comedian. He was always doing impressions and telling corny jokes to get people to laugh. Maybe it was his way of trying to get people to laugh with him instead of laughing at him. He made the mistake of talking to two of my teammates in the cafeteria. That put him on their radar. They immediately zeroed in on him as a target. They called him gay boy and it seemed to really bother him, so they did it even more. I joined in because I wanted to be one of the guys and I thought that was the way to fit in. Doesn't everyone want to belong? Be one of the insiders? Because if you're not an insider, that means you're on the outside, too.

"Before I knew it, things had escalated. Other kids actually started looking forward to going to school to see what we were going to do to Alex.

"The first time I really felt bad about what we were doing to Alex was an incident in the locker rooms. The three of us, Jay and Reggie, and I surrounded Alex by his locker. He looked scared, like he thought we were going to beat him up or something. He actually started shaking. That's when I realized things had gotten out of hand. We weren't going to hurt the kid, at least not physically. I thought we were just teasing him. But when I looked into his eyes, I could see sheer terror. The guys had planned to pants him but I told them to stop. I said we'd better get to practice, that we were going to be late. We just left him standing there shaking. When I looked back at him, I could see he was crying.

"Alex had a sister, who was also a senior. She wasn't one of the popular crowd but everyone liked her. She was cute and did well in school. A few days after the locker room incident, I passed by her in the hallway and she gave me a look like I was the scum of the Earth. No one had ever looked at me like that before, especially a girl. Everyone loved me, or so I thought. _Especially the girls_. But the way Alex's sister looked at me that day stuck with me. If she had slapped me in the face, it probably would have hurt less. By then, I knew what we were doing to Alex was really wrong but we still didn't stop. It was like rolling a giant snowball down a mountain then realizing you'd made a huge mistake. What do you do? The snowball is already in motion and picking up steam. The thing is just going to keep rolling whether you want it to or not."

I could already feel teardrops streaming down my face. I tried to quickly wipe them away but like to snowball rolling down the mountain, the tears were flowing and there was no stopping them. I was just glad that all eyes were on Cameron and no one was paying attention to me crying.

Cameron continued. "Jay and Reggie thought it would be funny to do something to Alex at Homecoming. Like a grand finale right before basketball season was ready to start. I was actually surprised that he showed up at the Homecoming Dance. He had accompanied his sister to the dance. I remember how beautiful she looked in her emerald green dress that matched her eyes."

My breath caught when Cameron described the dress I was wearing that night. I didn't think he ever gave me a second look, I wasn't in the popular crowd or a cheerleader, which was the type of girl he normally dated.

"Alex wore black slacks and a jacket with a green shirt that matched his sister's dress. I could tell the two of them were close. They always seemed to be laughing and joking with each other. Alex's sister always looked so happy when she was with Alex. I still remember how those smiles lit up her face. I can't tell you how badly I wanted her to smile that way at me just once."

It had been a long time since I really smiled one of the smiles that Cameron was talking about. A true smile of happiness. After Alex died, I felt like my happiness died with him and any light inside of me faded away.

Cameron went on. "Alex and his sister looked like they were having fun, dancing and goofing around. Jay and Reggie video recorded Alex doing some crazy dance moves. When we all went back to Reggie's place after the dance, Jay and Reggie used some software to alter the video and add photos of men kissing and other stuff. They also added a lot of derogatory words and phrases to the video. They didn't hesitate to upload it to YouTube and Twitter and email it to hundreds of kids at the school. By Sunday afternoon, the video they made had gone viral. Everyone in the school had seen it and were talking about it and it didn't take long for the YouTube video to get comments from people all over the country. Jay and Reggie never even considered how it would make Alex feel. They just wanted to get attention. My biggest regret was not doing anything to stop them. I was a willing participate in everything.

"I learned the hard way that actions have consequences. By Monday night, Alex was dead. He killed himself. He said the video ruined his life. It didn't take long for the story to be picked up by the media. The media called what Reggie, Jay and I did a hate crime. Within a week, the three of us were arrested for criminal harassment. I agreed to a plea bargain in exchange for testifying against my friends. You can imagine what people thought of me after that. I became a social outcast. A pariah. My punishment by the court was two years of probation, counseling and community service. But I was punished even more than that. I was thrown off the basketball team, so I didn't get to play my senior year. My scholarship to Penn State was rescinded. It was during the Sandusky ordeal and the school said they didn't want to have to deal with another scandal. My dad, who was the mayor of our small town, was asked to resign. He blamed it on me. My parents kicked me out of the house and have all but disowned me. My bright future was completely snuffed out. I didn't even go the senior prom because I was afraid to ask anyone. I didn't want to be rejected. The judge at Jay and Reggie's sentencing said that we had failed ourselves, failed our families and failed our communities. She was right. But even after everything I lost and all my suffering, I know it doesn't compare to what Alex's family went through. They lost their son and brother."

As soon as Cameron was done with his speech, Destiny's hand shot up. "What ever happened to Alex's sister?" she asked.

"You can ask her yourself. She's standing right over there."

When Cameron pointed at me, there was a collective gasp from the group. All of the kids looked stunned.

I could feel my heart start to race and the auditorium, that had felt large when I walked in, suddenly felt like it was closing in on me. Several beads of sweat ran down my face and I quickly wiped them away. I could feel my stomach start to churn and I started to get light-headed. I could feel myself start to sway and right before I passed out, Cameron caught me in his arms.

When my eyes opened, both Dr. Jones and Cameron were staring at me.

"Are you okay?" Dr. Jones asked.

"I don't know. What happened?" I was lying on the floor. "Where are the kids?"

"I sent them to lunch early," Dr. Jones replied. "You fainted and Cameron caught you just before you fell."

I looked at Cameron. "Thanks."

"Why don't you sit up?" he said.

I did as I was told.

"Would you like me to get you some water?" he asked.

I shook my head. "I think I'm okay. Embarrassed but okay."

"There's nothing to be embarrassed about," Dr. Jones assured me as I sat up then Cameron helped me to my feet.

She continued. "All of the kids expressed their concern. Needless to say they were surprised by Cameron's story but even more surprised that you were Alex's sister."

"You should probably get something to eat." Dr. Jones gave me a stern motherly look. "Cameron mentioned that you don't eat much for breakfast. You know it's the most important meal of the day."

"So I've heard." I glanced at Cameron, who was stifling a grin.

"When you're feeling a little better, you may want to have a talk with Destiny. She seemed worried about you," Dr. Jones said.

"I will." I was worried about her, too.

"I'll go to lunch with you," Cameron offered. I could see he had concern in his eyes.

"I'll be okay," I assured him.

He was still holding on to my elbow. I felt like he was afraid to let go of me, as if I might fall again. Or maybe he felt like he was holding me up emotionally as well.

Cameron was quiet as we headed to the cafeteria. "You can let go of my arm," I suggested. "I promise I won't faint again."

"Okay," Cameron agreed but he didn't immediately drop his hold on me.

"Seriously, I'm feeling much better."

When Cameron finally released his hold on me, he didn't seem to know what to do with his arms, so he folded them over his chest.

"I'm sorry you lost your scholarship to Penn State."

"I got into a college in Boston for the fall term. A partial academic scholarship. I'll have to work part-time to pay for the rest. My parents already told me they wouldn't pay for me to go to school. They were furious when I lost the basketball scholarship."

"So you don't play at all anymore?"

He shook his head. "Nope."

"That's too bad. You were really good."

"I just don't have it in me anymore."

I knew how he felt. There was a lot I didn't have in my anymore. I stopped and turned to face Cameron. "I had no idea that you ever thought about me."

"I think about you every day. I've thought about you every day for the past two years."

"I didn't realize that you even noticed me before—everything happened."

Cameron put his hands in his pockets and rocked on his heels. "I have a feeling there's a lot about me you don't know."

I could feel my breath quicken. "I'm not sure what you want from me," I muttered.

"I think you do," he said softly.

I shook my head. "No."

Cameron's eyes met mine and we stared at each other for a moment. For the first time, I noticed he had specks of gold in his green eyes.

" _No, you don't know what I want_ or _no I can't have it_."

"Just no," I said.

"I'll take that as a _no for now_."

"I never expected you to be an optimist," I said.

"I'm not. I used to thrive on a challenge, though. It's been a long time since anyone's challenged me. It's actually been a long time since anyone has cared enough to even bother."

Did Cameron think I cared about him? Did I? I wasn't sure what was going on between us but it scared the Hell out of me.

"We'd better get to lunch," I said. "I'm getting hungry."

"And I don't want you to pass out again. Not that I minded catching you. I want to be there for you whenever you fall."

I wondered if he realized how often I did fall, at least emotionally, or if that's what he meant.

***

I sat on my bed holding my framed photo of Alex. I wondered if Cameron was right. Was I holding on to his memory too tightly? Had my life become all about his death?

There was a knock on the door. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone but the knocking was persistent. When I opened the door, I was surprised to see Destiny.

"Can I come in?" Her voice was small and hallow.

"Sure." I stepped away from the door so she could enter.

She fidgeted then bit the edge of her thumbnail. I wondered if she was actually going to say anything or if she expected me to talk.

Looking at her, dressed in all black, was kind of like looking at myself. Her appearance made her seem hidden and closed her off from other people, which is exactly what I intended by dressing that way. Although lately, I had been lightening up on the dark eye makeup a lot and sometimes even wearing the bright scarf Sofia had given me.

"Do you want to sit down?" I gestured toward the bed.

Destiny took a seat on the edge of my bed and I sat on my desk chair. She picked up the photo of Alex I had left on the bed.

"Is this Alex?" she asked as she examined his picture.

I nodded.

"He was cute."

"And funny. And smart. And creative. All people remember is that he was the gay kid who got bullied and killed himself."

"Can I ask you some questions?"

I gulped. What if she asked a question I couldn't answer or one I didn't want to answer? I was scared but I also wanted to be there for her if she needed me. "Okay," I said finally.

"Were you the one who found him, after he killed himself?" She was still staring at his photo.

The image of Alex hanging in his bedroom closet flashed through my mind.

"Yes," I replied.

"What was it like?" Destiny looked up at me, her eyes wide.

"It was the worst day of my life. He had already been dead a while when I found him, so there was nothing I could do to save him or bring him back. I felt helpless. Hopeless. Completely shattered. As you can probably tell, I'm still broken. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to put all the pieces of me back together again."

"I've thought about killing myself," she admitted. "A lot. My mom puts so much pressure on me. It's unbearable. She wants me to be perfect in every way and I'm not. I don't think I can live up to her expectations of me. I thought dying would be easy but I never thought about what it would do to the person who found me. What if it was my younger brother or little sister?"

"I have so many wonderful memories of Alex but I'll always have the image of finding him dead like that in my mind."

"What about your mom and dad?"

I sighed. "Alex's death completely destroyed my family. My parents blamed themselves. They didn't think they did enough to help him. They felt like they should have done more to stop the bullying at school. But Alex wasn't completely honest with them. He didn't tell our parents how bad it had gotten. After Alex died, my mom quit her job as a school guidance counselor. She said if she couldn't even help her own son, how could she help anyone else? She took a job as a cashier at a retail store. That put a lot of pressure on my dad to make more money so they could make ends meet. They fought a lot. They completely ignored me. It was like their relationship with me died when Alex did. Throughout the ordeal, my mom became obsessed with getting justice for her son. She was so preoccupied with sending those boys who killed her son, as she called them, to jail that the retail store finally let her go. My dad struggled to keep everything together. All my mom cared about was making those boys pay for what they did. My dad finally had enough and he left. After the boys were finally sentenced, my mom had to go back to work to support herself. She got a teaching job and put our house on the market. Both my mom and dad now live alone in one-bedroom condos and I'm here by myself at college. We used to be a family and now we're like three separate people, who just happen to be related."

"I don't want that to happen to my family. Especially to my sister. She's only eleven."

I grabbed a book from my shelf. "You can borrow this if you want. You'll get an idea of what family members go through when they lose someone to suicide."

She snatched the book from my hands. " _Those They Left Behind: Interviews, Stories, Essays and Poems by Survivors of Suicide_. Yeah, I'd like to read this."

"You can have it," I offered.

She stood. "I know you're busy, so thanks for talking to me."

"Any time," I said and I meant it.

***

I was absolutely exhausted after taking the kids to Waterloo Village, a restored 19th century canal town. It brought back a lot of memories of class trips to visit the village when I was in elementary school. When I was a kid, most of my classmates only cared about going to the gift shop and getting rock candy. The high school students weren't that much better. The history of New Jersey wasn't a big hit but listening to the lecture on Blacksmithing piqued a few of their interests.

Dr. Jones had to attend a wedding out of town, so she put the counselors in charge of the trip. We didn't run into any major problems, except for Ryan and Hunter, who couldn't stop laughing about horsehair stuffed cushions. When I thought about how silly teen boys could be, it didn't take long for my thoughts to move back to Alex and how much he loved to laugh. He was so quick witted and always made me laugh, even about the zaniest things. I missed those laughs.

Cameron even impressed me by showing up early in the morning instead of rolling out of bed and just barely making it before the bus pulled away. I had a feeling he hadn't gone out with Rachel and Renee. I noticed they had been more distant toward him since his testimony about bullying. It made me wonder which part of his story they didn't like. I guessed it was because he was no longer a hot shot basketball player but I could have been wrong.

I had just gotten comfortable in my bus seat and closed my eyes for a second to rest for the bus ride back home when Cameron plopped down in the seat next to me.

"No napping, remember?" he said.

I opened one eye and peered at him. "Seriously?"

"Yes, I'm serious. The safety of six teenagers is in your hands. You need to stay awake and stay focused until we get them home and safely in their beds."

"It's four o'clock. We'll be back no later than five. Do you really think they'll be going to bed?"

"Metaphorically speaking," he corrected.

I nodded and shut the lone eye I had opened.

A second later, I could feel a finger poke me in the rib. "No napping."

"Fine," I said as I opened my eyes and sat up in my seat. "You just want someone to annoy because you're bored."

"You've caught on to my devious plan," he quipped.

"So, how do you plan to annoy me?" I asked.

"Want to make some Top Three lists?" His enthusiasm bordered on irritating and it was at least halfway between irksome and trying.

I screwed up my nose. "Not really."

"Great, I'll start," he said completely ignoring my non-acceptance of his offer.

I shook my head then gave an exasperated sigh. "Top three what?" I groaned.

"We'll start with Top Three Songs."

"Recent or ever?" I asked.

"Ever," he replied matter-of-factly.

"I've never played this game before," I said.

"It's not a _game_ ," he stated. "It's a fact-finding mission."

"Okay, my Top Three Songs ever are: Come as You Are by Nirvana, No Rain by Blind Melon and People are Strange by the Doors."

Cameron looked at me and his eyes narrowed. "All of the lead singers died young, didn't they? Is that a coincidence?"

"Kurt Cobain shot himself at age 27. Shannon Hoon died at age 28 of a cocaine overdose and Jim Morrison died at 27 of a suspected heroin overdose."

"So is it actually the songs that you like or the stories that go with the musicians?"

"Both," I admitted.

"What about Born This Way by Lady GaGa?" he asked.

"What about it?"

He grabbed my hand and turned it over to expose my wrist where I had the tattoo of my brother's birthday and Born This Way.

"You have it tattooed on your wrist. It's not one of your favorite songs?"

I pulled my hand from his grasp. "No," I snapped. "It's not."

Cameron looked hurt and I immediately felt guilty about it. I took in a deep breath then exhaled. "It was Alex's favorite song."

He nodded. Then he slowly took my other hand and turned it over exposing the other tattoo that was the day my brother died and It Gets Better. We both stared at the tattoo for a few seconds. Then Cameron carefully placed his index finger on my wrist and gently traced the letters with his finger.

My breath caught as he continued to caress my wrist with his finger.

"Don't you want to know what my Top Three Songs are?" he whispered.

I felt like every nerve ending in my body was suddenly on high alert as he continued to slowly and delicately move his finger over the lines of my tattoo. I swallowed. "Okay," was all I could manage to get out.

"Loser by Beck, Fall to Pieces by Velvet Revolver, and You and Only You by We The Kings."

"Interesting choices," I said.

He was still caressing me with his finger. As he moved from my tattoo and slowly progressed up and down each of my fingers, I felt small shivers surge through my body. It felt good, _too good_. I panicked.

"Stop," I whispered.

"Stop what?" he asked even though I had a feeling he knew exactly what I meant.

"What you're doing with your finger," I replied.

He stopped moving his finger but he didn't remove it from my skin. His eyes connected with mine. "Don't you like it?"

I liked it too much and that was the problem. I didn't want to like it at all. "It's not appropriate," I said instead.

"No one's watching."

I glanced around the bus and saw that the kids and other counselors were all busy engaged in their own conversations. He was right. No one was paying any attention to us.

His eyes caught mine and his gaze was so intense, I felt like he was looking right through me. "What are you afraid of?" he asked.

"Liking you," I admitted.

His eyes softened. "What's so bad about that?"

I wanted to say: _Because I need someone to hate_. _I need someone to be angry at_. _I need someone to blame for my brother's death_. But the words wouldn't come out of my mouth. I knew it was because they weren't really true anymore.

"Nothing," I sighed.

He raised an eyebrow. "Does that mean you _could_ like me, maybe, sometime in the future?"

"Maybe, sometime in the future," I agreed. _Way in the future_.

A small grin formed in the corner of his mouth. "I'll take that. It gives me hope. I officially have something to look forward to."

"If that's all you have to look forward to, I feel very sorry for you."

"Are you putting me down or are you putting yourself down?" he asked.

"Maybe a little of both."

"I learned a very hard lesson that words have consequences. You need to think about what you say because once you put your words out there, you can't take them back."

"I'm sorry if I offended you," I offered.

He looked at me with so much kindness, I wondered how he could ever have been a bully.

"I was talking about putting yourself down. Don't do that. Any guy would be lucky to have you."

"Oh, yeah, right. Guys have been falling all over themselves trying to date me. I hardly have time for anything else."

"I'm serious."

"So am I."

We both stared at each other and the energy between us was palpable. I thought he might kiss me.

But it wasn't the time or place and we both knew it. We just looked at each other. I noticed that he had a small scar over his left eyebrow. I wanted to reach out and run my finger along its jagged edge. It was an imperfection on someone I had always imagined to be perfect.

"How did you get that scar?" I asked.

He swallowed and his body grew tense. It was obviously a topic that made him uncomfortable.

"I didn't mean to pry," I said quickly.

"We're almost back to campus," he stated, clearly wanting to change the subject.

"Okay, I'll make some announcements about the schedule for tomorrow."

I could see him rubbing at the scar above his eye. Whatever had caused it, the scar was clearly more than a physical one. I realized there was a lot more to Cameron Connelly than I ever imagined.

***

I spent most of the day Sunday doing laundry and reading about Ellis Island for our trip the following weekend. I had great- grandparents, who were immigrants from Italy, but I had never given much thought to what they went through to come to the United States and my dad never talked about it. We actually didn't talk at all since Alex died. As much as I wanted to learn more about my heritage, I didn't want to talk to my dad even more. He'd started dating a woman just a few years older than me. Her name was Anya and she was from some country that had been part of the Soviet Union. I couldn't remember which one nor did I care. It didn't seem to bother Anya that my dad's divorce from my mother wasn't even finalized yet.

I was a little surprised that I didn't hear anything from Cameron at all on Sunday. I knew he and Antonio were coaching a volleyball tournament amongst the kids. Sofia went to visit her mother in Jersey City for the day. My mother had gone with an old friend from high school to the Florida Keys for three weeks. That left me with my Ellis Island stories.

No one even bothered to knock on my door to get pizza for dinner, which kind of surprised me. I wondered what Cameron was doing and that surprised me even more. Was he with Antonio? Had they decided to go to Subway, which was Antonio and Sofia's favorite fast food place? Why hadn't they invited me? Maybe he had gone somewhere with Renee and Rachel. That didn't seem likely but even the thought of it made my stomach clench. Was I actually getting jealous? It didn't make sense. Cameron and I weren't a couple. We weren't anything. I thought maybe the interaction between us on the bus ride home from Waterloo Village meant something, although I wasn't sure what. Maybe it really didn't mean anything at all.

As I looked in the mirror, I was suddenly disgusted with my hair. The cotton candy colors felt old and worn. I felt different, like I didn't want to be so closed anymore. We had gotten our first paychecks and since I didn't have to pay for room and board for the summer, I had a little bit of extra spending money that I normally didn't have during the school year. I made a decision to use part of it to dye my hair back to a more normal color. My natural color was chestnut brown. It had been over a year since it was anything resembling a natural color and before that, my senior year of high school, I dyed it black.

I headed towards the small shopping area that was closest to the end of campus where we were living. It was dusk and the campus was quiet. There wasn't even the rustle of the renegade squirrel anywhere. I couldn't decide if it was peaceful or eerie, probably because my mind was still too filled with crap for me to experience true peace.

When I got to the hair salon, only one customer was seated in the back of the place. It looked like she was just getting her bangs trimmed.

"Do you have time for a color?" I asked the older woman standing at the reception area.

She glanced down at her watch. "Yeah, I should have enough time. We don't close until seven."

The woman, who looked around my mother's age, late forties, inspected my hair. "Who did this to you?" she asked.

"One of the girls I went to high school with was studying to be a hair dresser and I let her practice on me."

The woman raised an eyebrow. "Did she ever get her license?"

I shrugged. "I have no idea. She decided to move to LA to work on movie sets or something like that."

"The only movies I could see her working on are horror films."

I cringed. Was my hair really that bad?

"My name's Dottie. Let's go back to my booth and see if we can work some magic."

Forty-five minutes later, magic had been worked. My hair was a light brown that really brought out my green eyes and it was in a shoulder length bob that actually made me look stylish but still approachable.

"You're a real beauty, honey," Dottie said as we both examined my new style in the mirror.

"You really think so?" I asked.

"You'll have those college guys falling all over themselves to date you."

I had to laugh. "That's exactly what I told this guy would never happen."

"And what guy is that?"

I shook my head. "Just some guy I work with."

"I bet he'll ask you out the minute he sees your new hair style."

"It's not like that," I assured her.

"Honey, unless he's gay, it's always like that."

# Week Three

Monday morning came too quickly. It took me a while to recognize my own reflection in the mirror. I looked so different without the crazy colored hair. I actually felt a little nervous about seeing Cameron. What if he didn't like my new style? And why did I care so much?

I spotted Sofia and Antonio at a table in the corner of the cafeteria. I had a banana and some yogurt on my plate. I decided to take the advice of my peers and Dr. Jones and try to eat something substantial in the morning.

My friends' jaws both dropped when I sat down.

Antonio whistled. "Girl, you look fine."

I smiled a true and actual smile. It felt a little foreign but good.

"Who are you and what did you do with Dee Dee?" Sofia joked. "I need to go visit my mother more often. Look at what you decided to do. Has Cameron seen you yet?"

I shook my head.

"That boy is going to lose it. I'm telling you. He's already falling for you, this will completely do him in."

"Whatever," I said. "I don't think he's falling for me."

Antonio snorted. "Yeah, right. He doesn't even know which way is up anymore."

"Speak of the devil," Sofia said as she gestured toward the buffet.

Cameron was holding his tray and scanning the cafeteria. He looked confused until his eyes landed on mine. His jaw dropped. As he headed for our table, he didn't take his eyes off me.

He placed his tray next to mine and took the seat next to me.

"You look amazing," he said as he took me in.

"Thanks," I murmured suddenly uncomfortable. I felt like I was on display. Sofia and Antonio were still both staring at me and Cameron hadn't taken his eyes off me.

"Okay, that's enough," I said. "I'm still just Dee Dee, even if I look a little different on the outside."

"If you looked just a little different, we wouldn't be gawking," Sofia scoffed as she tossed a raisin at me.

"Watch where you throw your dried fruit," I said as I grabbed the raisin.

"At least I didn't throw a prune at you. Or even worse, a date."

"Do they even serve prunes and dates? Aren't those for old people?"

"If they did, one would be headed in your direction."

We all laughed. For the first time in a long time, it felt good to have friends.

***

The week progressed at a snail's pace. The kids were already starting to get tired and we hadn't even made it past the half way mark. I knew if we could get through this week, the kids would be looking forward to our big overnight trips to New York and Washington, DC.

After classes let out on Wednesday, Sofia grabbed me. "I have a surprise," she said as she pulled me toward her car.

"I'm not too keen on surprises," I replied.

"It's a good one, I promise."

***

"What are we doing at the mall," I complained as Sofia pulled her Honda into the parking lot.

"We're getting you some new clothes. Ones with some color. Now that your hair and makeup are toned down a bit, I thought we could work on your wardrobe. Besides, don't you want something pretty to wear when we go out on Friday night?"

"Who said anything about going out on Friday night?"

Sofia frowned. "You mean he hasn't asked you out yet?"

"If by he, you mean Cameron, the answer is no."

She shook her head. "He's nervous."

I scoffed. "Yeah, right. What does Cameron Connelly have to be nervous about? When we were in high school, he went out with nearly the entire cheerleading squad."

"Haven't you changed a lot since high school?"

That was an understatement. "Of course. Everything changed after Alex died."

"My point exactly. Didn't you listen to Cameron when he gave his speech? Everything changed for him, too."

"So you're telling me he's nervous about asking me out?" It sounded so ridiculous coming out of my mouth.

"That's exactly what I'm saying. Now let's find you a killer outfit for a night of dancing and fun."

***

Two hours and a hundred dollars later, I had three new outfits. Two pairs of skinny jeans and v-neck T-shirts (one coral and one sapphire) and a little white summer dress.

"You're definitely wearing that cute dress on Friday night. Cameron is just going to flip when he sees you in it."

"Okay, whatever you say."

"We need to rebuild you confidence," Sofia stated.

"Rebuilding implies that I once had confidence, which I don't think is the case."

"Girl, you've got a lot going on." She scanned up and down my body. "You just need to use it."

"I will try," I promised.

She eyed me. "Not try, just do."

***

I put on my new skinny jeans and coral v-neck and looked at myself in the mirror. It had been so long since I'd worn anything but black, I had forgotten how certain colors looked with my light skin tone and light brown hair. The coral was definitely complementary and brought out a little sparkle in my eyes that I hadn't noticed before.

I heard a soft knock on my door. It was so soft, I wondered if I had actually heard it. But then it persisted.

When I answered it, I was surprised to see Cameron.

"Can I come in?" he asked.

"Sure." I stepped aside so he could enter.

He put his hands in his pockets and rocked on his heels. It was a gesture I was getting used to seeing when he seemed nervous.

"So, I was wondering what you were doing Friday night?"

I wanted to say: besides going to Bogey's with you but I refrained. His voice seemed so fragile, I didn't want to make him feel any more uncomfortable.

I looked up at him and stared into his rich brown eyes. He swallowed then said, "Do you want to go to Bogey's?"

"Are you asking me on a date?" I probed coyly.

He still looked so nervous and I thought he might break into a sweat at any moment. He nodded.

"Okay," I replied.

"Okay?" he repeated as if he didn't believe me.

"Yes, I'll go with you."

A small grin replaced his pained expression. "I'll come by at 8 o'clock, if that's okay."

"Sure."

He turned to leave then turned back toward me. "I really like that outfit. It's a good color on you."

He turned to leave then turned back again. Now I was the one who was grinning.

"One more thing," he said as he leaned down and gave me a soft kiss on the forehead. "Now I can go."

I was completely stunned. I was going on a date with Cameron Connelly. Cameron Connelly had just kissed me. Granted, it was a peck on the forehead, but it was still a kiss. The world felt like it had turned completely upside down or at least on its side. If you would have asked me a year ago, or even a month ago, who was one of the least likely people I would ever date, Cameron Connelly would have topped the list.

I glanced over at my photo of Alex. I wondered what he would think of me going out with Cameron. Would he understand? Would he consider it a betrayal? Would he want me to be happy?

Did the prospect of a relationship with Cameron make me happy? I wasn't sure what I thought about it but I knew I felt something. And it was good to feel something other than numb or depressed. For the first time, in a long time, I was actually thinking about the future instead of the past.

***

I couldn't believe I was actually nervous while I was getting ready. My stomach was doing some major flip-flops. I told myself to breath and relax but my mind was racing. I hadn't been on a date since high school—before Alex died. I had a boyfriend, Mason Tucker, most of my junior year and the beginning of my senior year. He was my first (and only). After Alex died, I completely shut down and we drifted apart. I couldn't blame him for wanting someone else. Who wants to spend their senior year dating a depressed recluse? He ended up dating Melissa McGee, who had been my best friend for the first three years of high school. I guess she felt bad about 'stealing' Mason from me because once they started dating, we were no longer friends.

I hadn't even considered dating until Cameron pushed his way into my life. And now here I stood looking at myself in my new white dress hoping that I wouldn't make a complete fool of myself on my first real date in almost two years.

This time, when I heard the soft knock, I knew it was probably Cameron. When I opened the door, my breath caught at the sight of him. He looked gorgeous, like the Cameron I remembered from high school. The one all the girls went crazy over. He wore black jeans that fit snuggly in all the right places and he had on a black buttoned-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His normally messy hair was a bit shorter and styled. He had gone all out in dressing up for the date. And his eyes were sparkling with a hint of excitement and they lit up even more as he looked at me.

"You look amazing," he commented as his eyes ran down the length of me. "I love that dress."

"You don't look so bad yourself," I replied.

We stood there taking each other in for several moments. I could feel the energy between us building and I immediately tensed. I still wasn't sure I wanted to feel as much as I felt for Cameron. The intensity of the building emotions was a bit overwhelming.

"Is everything okay?" he asked. I couldn't believe how attuned to me he seemed to be.

I nodded.

"It's okay if you changed your mind." All the confidence he had when he entered my room seemed to be draining from his body.

"Changed my mind about what?" I asked.

He swallowed. "About going out with me." His voice sounded like it was getting smaller.

It pained me to see the anguish on his face. "That's not it. I didn't change my mind."

He gave me a soft half smile. "Good." He leaned down and gave me a light kiss on the cheek, which sent a small wave a shivers through me.

"Sofia and Antonio said they would meet us at the club. We'd better get going."

After I locked my door, Cameron took my hand in his. He felt warm and I could feel that warmth move through my body.

The walk to Bogey's was quiet as we both seemed to be absorbed in our own thoughts. The night air was crisp. It had cooled a bit, which was a relief from the sticky, hot and humid day.

"I hope you're ready to dance," he said as we got closer to the club.

"I have to admit that I don't get out very much. When you saw me here a few weeks ago, that was the first time I'd been to a club."

"Ever?" He seemed surprised.

"Yeah, ever."

He shook his head. "I thought freshman were supposed to party like crazy. First time on your own, away from mom and dad and all that."

"I didn't exactly have the most normal freshman year of college. I was dealing with a lot."

Cameron got quiet again. I noticed that he held my hand tighter, like he didn't want me to pull away from him. Then he said, "I want you to know that I'm sorry. I hope one day I'll earn your forgiveness."

I stopped. I tried to pull my hand from his but he was grasping it too tightly. "Is that what this is about? You want my forgiveness? I knew Cameron Connelly asking me out was a little too good to be true."

He shook his head as he grabbed my other hand. Now he had both of my hands in his. "Look at me, Dee Dee."

I glanced up at him and his expression was serious. "I do want your forgiveness. Sometimes I feel like I need it. But that is not what this is about. At all."

He brought my right hand up to his lips and placed a soft kiss on it. "I'm here because I want to be with you. I've wanted to be with you for a long time. In high school, you were such a perfect girl. You were smart and beautiful. I never thought I was good enough for you."

I actually let out a laugh. "You thought you weren't good enough for me? How is that even possible? You were one of the most popular guys in school."

"You were in all Honors classes. You dated Mason Tucker, the class president and the most likely to succeed. I didn't think you'd want anything to do with a dumb jock like me."

I shook my head in disbelief. "Every girl in our high school wanted to date you. You dated half of our class. I just assumed I was in the less desirable half."

Now he's the one that laughed. "No, you were definitely in the desirable half. I put you in the beyond-my-reach category."

"But you dated nearly every cheerleader in our school." _And most of them were prettier than me_ _and_ _some of them were even smarter than me_.

"I was supposed to date cheerleaders. I wasn't supposed to date the Honors student at the top of the class. Besides, did you ever see me go out with any of those cheerleaders for more than a week or two?"

I had to admit I didn't. I shook my head. "I just assumed it was your choice."

"No, definitely not. I'm not the screw-and-bolt kind of guy at all."

"You kind of had the reputation."

He heaved a heavy sigh. "I wanted a relationship. It just never happened. I think girls got bored with me when they figured out I wasn't some bad boy Casanova and they moved on to one of my friends who could definitely fill that role for them."

"I guess we both had misperceptions about each other," I observed.

I could see Cameron had a lot of hurt inside and I wanted to do something to take it away, at least for a little while. I reached up and gave him a soft kiss. We both looked at each other for a long moment and then the floodgates of passion burst open. Cameron pulled me close and kissed me so deeply and so hungrily, it took my breath away.

When we took a break for air, I placed my hand on Cameron's cheek. "I don't know how anyone could ever get bored with you."

He closed his eyes for a moment and rested his head on my hand. Then he folded me into his muscular arms and pulled me so tight, nearly every inch of our bodies were touching. "Please don't ever let me go," he whispered into my ear.

We stayed locked in a tight embrace for what seemed like several minutes. I breathed in the scent of him, clean with just a hint of aftershave. I felt so warm, and safe and oddly comfortable inside the arms of a boy who was once my enemy. How could someone, who had once been so cruel now be so kind?

Perception is such a strange thing and how quickly it can change. All kinds of thoughts swirled through my head again. Cameron actually thought about me in high school. He thought I was too smart and perfect to be with him and I thought he was too cute and popular to be with me. I felt like Alice, who had just gone down the rabbit hole and ended up in an alternate reality. Was I actually falling for Cameron Connelly, one of the boys who was arrested for harassing my brother to death?

Cameron kissed my forehead then said, "We'd better get going. I don't want Sofia to send the cops out looking for us or anything. You know that girl is very protective of you."

That made me wonder if they had talked about me. "Is she?" I asked playfully.

He nodded. "Oh, yeah. She threatened to have all four of her brothers take me down if I ever did anything to hurt you. I don't think she was kidding either."

"We'd better not keep her waiting then," I replied and we headed off to the club.

***

"Girl, you look hot," Sofia said as soon as she saw me. She pointed to Cameron. "This boy is lucky you're even looking at him."

Cameron grabbed my hand and pulled me close. "I know I'm lucky. And I'm not going to take it for granted."

"See," she said to Antonio who was standing by her side. "You should never take a woman for granted."

Antonio shook his head and looked at Cameron. "Dude, come on. Don't make me look bad."

"Then don't take your lovely lady for granted," Cameron teased.

Sofia eyed Antonio. He let out a sigh then gave her a quick kiss. They both looked at each other and grinned. They made a cute couple and seemed to be very in tune with each other.

I was still amazed at how in tune Cameron seemed to be with me, even though we hadn't really known each other very long. Of course, we knew of each other for years but it was becoming increasingly clear that much of what I thought I knew about Cameron was based on my own faulty perceptions and misjudgments about him.

When an upbeat dance song came on, Antonio pulled Sofia onto the dance floor and Cameron pulled me right after them.

Cameron wasn't a great dancer but he wasn't a complete disaster either. He could keep the beat and we were having fun. The time went by fast and soon the four of us were sweating and thirsty.

Three Cokes and a Sprite later, we were all back on the dance floor. After a moment, Sofia was making gestures toward the far edge of the dance floor. I turned to look and I spotted Renee and Rachel both staring daggers at me. My mood quickly shifted and I suddenly felt uncomfortable.

Cameron put his face close to my ear so I could hear him over the music. "What's wrong?" he asked. _How he always sensed my mood changes so quickly_ , I wondered.

"Renee and Rachel are glaring at me." I pointed in their direction.

When Cameron glanced over at them, they both smiled and Rachel gave him a little flirty wave.

Cameron looked flustered when he turned back towards me. "What's wrong?" I said a little too catty. I could feel jealously start to pulse through my veins and I immediately hated myself for it.

"Nothing." Cameron was trying to be dismissive about the whole thing but I could see something was really bothering him.

"Obviously, there's something going on. You're acting weird and the blondes are shooting daggers at me from across the dance floor."

Cameron gulped. "Can we talk about it later?" His voice was getting small again. It always seemed to shrink when we was upset or nervous.

"Maybe it's just better if I go." I started to walk off the dance floor but Cameron grabbed my elbow to stop me.

"Please," he was almost pleading. "Don't go."

"I think you need to tell me about Rachel and Renee and why they look like they want to kill me."

Cameron pulled me over to a table in a quieter corner of the club. Well, as quiet as you can get in a packed dance club anyway.

"Do you remember that day when I was late for the trip and you saved my ass with Dr. Jones?"

I rolled my eyes. "How could I forget?"

"I went out with Rachelle and Renee. We went out drinking. I know. It wasn't a smart thing to do. Especially because I'm almost done with my probation. Let's just say they were very persuasive. Renee has a boyfriend back at Rutgers where she goes to school. They were trying to fix me up with Rachelle. I thought she was cute at first but she got really drunk and started coming on to me. It had been a really long time since I was with someone. Girls don't exactly throw themselves at guys arrested for criminal harassment. She asked me go back to her room with her and I did."

Cameron looked down at the table, clearly uncomfortable but he continued. "The next morning, I immediately regretted being with her. I knew it was a mistake. Rachelle said she didn't want anything serious but she wanted to continue to mess around. I told her no but she said, 'Well, see about that. I usually get what I want when I want it.' I've tried to avoid them but it's obviously not that easy since we all work together."

He still wouldn't look at me. I could see he felt bad about what had happened but it still happened and we had to deal with it.

"Will you please look at me?" I asked.

After a moment, he looked up and I could see his eyes were wet. My stomach clenched as I thought about him being with Rachelle. I felt sick.

"She doesn't care about me and she really doesn't want to be with me. She just wants someone to fool around with and to entertain her for the next few weeks. If I had any idea that you would ever consider being with me, I would have never hooked up with her."

"There's no way you could have known that we would end up together. I don't think you should be so hard on yourself."

"Are you forgetting my number one Top Song...I'm a loser, baby."

"Do you really believe that?" I asked.

"Ask my parents. They'll tell you. Or my basketball coach. The other guys on the team, who we let down. Half of our town. Being called a loser is better than being spit on and called a murderer, which some people still call me. Or a monster. A dirt bag. I think you even called me a few choice names in the past. When you hear those things enough, you start to believe them."

I rose. "Maybe you'd better take me home then. I don't think I want to be seen with a dirt bag. Or a monster. Or even a loser. I thought it was Cameron Connelly, who took me out."

He got up and put his hands in his pockets. He rolled on his heels for a few seconds then said, "Okay, let's go."

The walk home was excruciating. I wanted that boy who came to pick me up back. I wanted the boy with the sparkle in his eyes. The one who was excited about possibilities. The Cameron who was next to me now was stuck in the past, regretting who he was and what he had done. We were such mirrors of each other in so many ways. How often did I feel like I was stuck in the past, a victim of mistakes and even a prisoner to them? I didn't realize how alike Cameron and I truly were and how much we had in common. I realized then why we were so in tune with each other.

When we got back to the dorm, he still hadn't touched me, or even said another word to me. That wasn't okay. I could feel him pulling away and returning to his defensive shell. I knew that feeling so well because I had hidden in my own shell for so long. How ironic that Cameron was at least partially responsible for pulling me out of mine? Was I responsible for him crawling back into his?

We stood at my door for a moment as Cameron rocked on his heels. "I think you need to come in," I said. It wasn't a question.

He swallowed and stared at his shoe. "It's late."

"I know. But we need to talk."

He nodded and I opened my door. I sat on my bed and Cameron nervously paced the floor for a moment. "You need to sit down," I said. "Right here." I pointed to a spot on the bed right next to me.

Cameron did as he was told. We both sat looking at each other before either of us spoke. He still had so much sadness in his eyes it pierced my heart.

"I don't date losers," I said matter-of-factly. "I would never date a loser. Ever."

"I think you just made an exception."

I shook my head. "There are no exceptions. No losers. Not now. Not ever."

He gulped. He looked like a sad little boy. I just wanted to hug him. Instead, I leaned over and placed a soft kiss on his lips. His breath caught and I continued to kiss him. After a moment, his body responded and he kissed me back, tentatively at first but then more urgently and passionately.

Every nerve ending in my body responded to his desire. I had to pull away just to gain a little control.

Cameron pulled me against his chest and embraced me tightly. "Thank you," he whispered.

"For what?"

"For wanting me."

I nestled into the warmth of his arms and inhaled his scent. I felt so alive and free, I didn't want the moment to end.

"I'd better go," Cameron said although his words were not convincing. I knew he wanted to stay as much as I wanted him to. "We have to get up early tomorrow."

As he pulled away, Cameron caressed my face with his fingers. "I still can't believe I'm here with you like this."

I smiled and Cameron's eyes regained some of the sparkle that I was growing to love. Cameron rose and I followed him to the door. When he turned to face me, he looked worried.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I'm not sure how to act tomorrow, when we're working, around the kids."

"What do you mean?"

He held my face in his strong hands. "When I'm around you, I want to touch you and hold you and kiss you. I want everyone to know how I feel about you but I don't think that's going to fly with Dr. Jones."

"Definitely not," I agreed.

"I just want you to know it's going to be extremely difficult to keep my hands off you."

"It'll just give you something to look forward to," I teased.

"You're right about that." He bent down and gave me one soft kiss before he left.

# New York City

Dr. Jones planned two special trips over the course of the six-week program. The first big trip was to New York City and the final trip was to Washington, D.C. The New York City trip was our first overnight with the kids in a hotel. We were to arrive early on Saturday, and tour Ellis Island, stay over Saturday night then spend all day Sunday at the American Museum of Natural History and the Hayden Planetarium. I knew it sounded a lot easier than it was probably going to be.

All of the kids in the program lived in New Jersey and most of them had spent their lives in the state. What surprised me was that many of them had never been to New York City, which was right across the Hudson River. To say the kids were excited about the overnight trip was an understatement. They were completely ecstatic.

I was surprised to see Cameron waiting in the hallway outside my room.

"Why didn't you knock on my door?" I asked.

"I didn't want to bother you while you were getting ready. But I did want to do this."

He gave me a soft kiss.

I could hear some doors slamming down the hall, so I pulled away. "We'd better get the kids gathered and on the bus."

Trying to get six kids and their overnight bags onto the bus was challenging. Add in the other counselors and their kids and it turned into a nightmare.

Dr. Jones's whistle blew amidst the chaos and everyone froze. "This is not acceptable behavior," she yelled. "I want everyone to stow his or her bags either above the seat or below it. And unless you want me to assign seats, you'll do so in an orderly fashion."

We all looked at each other before anyone moved. Then Sofia and Antonio moved toward the back of the bus and began helping their kids get their belongings organized. The other counselors followed suit.

Our kids ended up being in the middle of the bus. Cameron grabbed a bag from Savannah that looked like it was about to topple over on her as she tried to lift it over her head.

"What have you got in here?" Cameron asked.

She rolled her eyes. "We're going to New York. I've got to look good."

"We're going for two days," he reminded her. "And you're already wearing something for day one."

Grace laughed but waited for him to help her with her bag, which was apparently just as heavy as Savannah's.

When I glanced at Destiny, she only had a small backpack over her shoulder. "Traveling light?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I've been to New York City quite a few times. It's not a big deal."

"Maybe you can be a guide for some of the other students then," I suggested. "Most of them haven't been out of New Jersey."

"You're assuming they care anything about what I have to say. Bad assumption."

"What about Lyle? I bet he'd appreciate your expertise."

Lyle, who was sitting just one row back, looked up at us. "Who wouldn't want a personal tour guide?" he grinned.

"Okay, fine. I'll do it. But only because Lyle flashed his dimples."

His grin grew wider, accentuating his dimples even more. "They are irresistible, aren't they?"

"Don't get a big head," Destiny warned as she took the seat next to him. "That doesn't mean I think you're cute or anything."

"You know I love you but you're not my type. Maybe if you had a brother—"

"I do have a brother. He's a sophomore. But he likes girls."

Lyle shook his head. "The cute guys usually do."

When all the kids were finally situated and in their seats, Dr. Jones gave her standard lecture about the do's and don'ts of the trip. "Remember, stay with your group. No one is allowed to go anywhere alone. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Dr. Jones," everyone responded in unison.

"And don't think I won't do random room checks in the middle of the night to make sure everyone is in their assigned rooms."

I swear Dr. Jones looked right at me and Cameron. Or maybe I was already feeling guilty about my desire to be in his room in the middle of the night. Sofia and I were assigned to share as hotel room as were Cameron and Antonio. I had a feeling there would definitely be some switching around in the middle of the night.

***

The bus dropped us off at Battery Park to catch a ferry to Ellis Island. From the research I had done, I already knew that 12 million immigrants entered the United States through Ellis Island and the descendants of those immigrants accounted for nearly half of the American population.

The thing I liked most about the first part of our tour was that it allowed us to recreate the immigrant experience as if we had just landed on the island from the "old world." After our formal tour, we were given time to examine the many exhibits, artifacts and displays that chronicle the immigrant experience throughout America's relatively short history.

The kids seemed really engaged in learning about Ellis Island and the immigrant experience, so I breathed a small sigh of relief that I could relax and enjoy the historical site myself for a few minutes. That's when I felt someone come up behind me. Without turning around, I instinctively knew it was Cameron. The connection that was building between us was so palpable.

"I wish I knew more about my family history," Cameron said. He was so close, I could feel his breath on the back of my neck.

"Me, too," I admitted.

Cameron being so close, and feeling the warmth from his body, seemed to put me under some kind of a spell. I suddenly couldn't think of anything except having more of him—his lips on my lips, his hands on my body, my hands on his body. My mind protested and called me a traitor. I was not supposed to be with the enemy. But my body didn't care. My body wanted Cameron. At that moment, my body craved intimacy with a guy I once hated. How was that possible? Did I still hate Cameron? Or did I love him? Or both? As Sophia reminded me, "There's a fine line between love and hate." I never really understood what the saying meant until now.

When Cameron breathed me in, I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck all stand at attention and a quick shiver ran through me.

"Cold?" Cameron quipped even though he knew full well the effect he was having on me.

"The opposite," I whispered.

"Oh, you're hot for me?" he whispered back.

I glanced around to make sure no one was watching us. All the other students and counselors seemed to be preoccupied with the exhibits. Even Dr. Jones was intently examining one of the displays.

"Do you know how hard it is for me to keep my hands off of you?" Cameron asked.

I turned to face him and I saw desire in his eyes that was so intense, my breath caught. "I have an idea," I managed to say.

"Good," he stated. "You need to know how I feel about you. And I want you to think seriously about how you're going to handle it.

I gulped. Sometimes I felt like he was reading my mind.

"When's lunch?" a male voice stated as Lyle made his way over to us. "I'm starving already."

I frowned. "Not until after the tour. We've still got another forty-five minutes at least."

Lyle heaved an exaggerated sigh, as if we were torturing him. "What did Dr. Jones say about those sighs?" I admonished.

"I'm sorry," Lyle replied. "I must be going through another growth spurt. I'm starving all the time."

"Let's go see what Dr. Jones has in mind for lunch," I suggested. "Maybe if you know what the plan is, you'll have something to look forward to."

Lyle smiled and the three of us headed over to see Dr. Jones.

***

After a quick lunch at Subway, which Antonio loved and Lyle seemed satisfied with, we headed to our hotel. Dr. Jones told us that the hotel gave a discount rate to students and I could see why. The place had probably been in its heyday in the 1940s and looked like it hadn't been updated much since then. Luckily all of the kids in our group had rooms on the same floor as did those in Sofia and Antonio's group.

"I just want to remind you that we will be doing room checks throughout the night," Antonio announced as he kids scurried around to find their rooms.

When I glanced over at Ryan and Hunter, they were both grinning like the Cheshire cat.

"I know it's tempting to want to sneak out, or party in your rooms," Antonio continued. "Believe me, it wasn't that long ago that I was in high school. But you know how Dr. Jones is and you know she'll put you and your stuff in a taxi back to Jersey, no questions asked. You've all been warned."

Grace and Savannah eyed each other and giggled. I had a feeling we were going to have our hands full tonight. The four of us trying to keep all of the teens out of trouble in the middle of New York seemed like an arduous task, kind of like putting a pack of dogs into the middle of a butcher's shop and trying to keep them away from the meat.

Once everyone was in their assigned rooms, we had a little break before it was time to take the kids to dinner.

"Do you mind if I go over to Antonio's room for a few minutes," Sofia asked as she applied lipstick at the mirror over the desk. "Maybe I can talk Cameron into coming over here to keep you company. Although, I don't think it would take much convincing."

"I'm still not sure what we're doing is right," I admitted.

When Sofia turned back to face me, her brows were furrowed. "Why?"

"I just can't get over the idea that somehow I'm betraying Alex by getting involved with Cameron."

"Do you think it's fair to punish Cameron his entire life for the mistakes he made in high school? Should you be punished? You can't keep living in the past, Dee Dee. Cameron seems like he's changed. He seems to be genuinely sorry for what he did. Do you really think he knew what Alex was going to do? Do you really think he would have said and done the things he did if he had known?"

I shook my head. "No."

"I think you should give him a chance. You should give whatever is developing between the two of you a chance."

"Okay," I said finally.

"I'll send Cameron over," Sofia offered as she headed towards the door. "I don't know how you can resist those sexy green of his. That boy is fine."

A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door and I let Cameron in. He did look fine in his jeans and polo shirt. The moment he saw me, he pulled me into his muscular arms. I could feel his heart pounding as I laid my head on his chest.

"Nervous?" I asked.

"I'm always nervous around you," he admitted.

"Why?"

"Because I keep thinking this is all a dream and I'll wake up and you'll still hate me."

I looked into his eyes. I wanted to tell him I never hated him but it would have been a lie. There was a time when I despised the very thought of him. It seemed like such a long time ago, now that I was in his arms.

"You're the one, who keeps telling me we have to let go of the past," I said.

"Maybe this will help." He placed a soft kiss on my lips.

"It does," I said. "Do you want to sit down?" I grabbed his hand and pulled him over to my bed.

We both sat down. We looked at each other for a few moments. It was still hard to believe we had gotten to this place considering our past. I placed my finger on the scar over his left eye and Cameron inhaled sharply. I carefully ran my finger over the length of it. "When are you going to tell me how you got this?" I asked.

I don't know why but I had a strong feeling that ugly scar held the key to something important. Important pieces to the Cameron puzzle that I was still missing.

He grabbed my wrist and stopped my finger right before I had a chance to run it back over the scar again. "Not now," he said softly.

He put my hand to his mouth and kissed my fingers. "I'm not ready."

His words were so solemn, they took my breath away. "Okay," was all I could mumble. His unwillingness to share that part of himself with me was disconcerting.

"It's not that I don't want to." His expression now looked pained. He inhaled and continued. "I've never told anyone, except my counselor."

"Not even your parents?"

He shook his head.

I looked at the scar again. It was long and deep. It had obviously required stitches. How was it possible that he hadn't told them about it?

As if anticipating my next question, Cameron said, "They don't know the truth. I told them I got hit with a basketball and they believed me."

The scar didn't look like something a basketball could do. It looked too jagged and deep.

"It was obviously a story they wanted to believe," I said.

"I guess so."

I put my fingers on it again and felt its rough and uneven surface. Cameron closed his eyes as he let me continue to caress his face. He took a long deep breath as I touched his cheek and then his chin.

"Your hands are so warm and so soft," he muttered.

I placed both of my hands on either side of his face and held him for a moment until his breathing was slow and steady. Then I brought my lips to his and gently placed my mouth on his.

When his eyes opened, they were filled with emotion. He swallowed as if he was trying to gulp back the tears that were threatening to surface.

"It's okay," I whispered then kissed him again. This time, he responded and deepened the kiss.

He pulled me close and ravaged me with his hungry lips and tongue. He didn't stop until we were both breathless.

"We still have to take the kids to dinner," he said as his eyes searched the room for the clock. "Two minutes ago."

We both jumped from the bed in a panic.

"I'm surprised there were no hungry kids knocking on the door," he joked.

"And what about Sofia and Antonio?" I asked. "They're never late."

He gave me a sly grin. "I have a feeling they were probably doing the same thing we were doing."

***

Dinner was at an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet on the edge of China town. The kids loved the idea of all-you-can-eat and I was so hungry the idea was appealing to me as well.

When we sat at the large table with the other counselors, I noticed Antonio only had spareribs on his plate.

"Eating light?" I asked.

He looked up from his plate and glared at me. "Chinese isn't really my thing."

"You could be the first person I've ever met who doesn't like Chinese food," I replied.

"I know right," Sofia agreed. "It seems un-American."

Cameron laughed. "How can it be un-American not to like Chinese food?"

Sofia gave him a look like he was insane. "We were just at Ellis Island and you have to ask that question. We're a nation of immigrants."

Cameron nodded. "I see your point—I guess. Even though it's vague at best. It's still a point."

"Whatever," Sofia chided. "Dee Dee knew what I meant."

I shook my head. "Don't put me in the middle. I don't want to have to take sides."

"I would have been perfectly content going to Subway again," Antonio huffed.

"Poor, baby," Sofia teased as she placed her arm on his shoulder. "He gets cranky when he doesn't get his Subway fix."

I felt a hand rest on my thigh. When I glanced over at Cameron, he gave me a sly grin.

I leaned over and whispered, "What are you doing?"

"What do you mean?" he said in mock innocence.

I grabbed his hand in mine and held it. "That's a little better."

"But not nearly as much fun," he quipped.

***

After we did a final bed check and we saw that every kid was in the right room and accounted for, Cameron and I made sure no one was looking before we both snuck into my room. Sofia had already made it clear she was staying the night in Antonio's room, so I had Cameron in mine by default. I wasn't sure exactly what Cameron was thinking but the room did have two double beds just in case.

But what was I thinking? Was I actually considering having sex with Cameron? It was a big step. The only guy I had ever been with was Mason, my high school boyfriend. Cameron had been with Rachelle just a couple of weeks ago. It made me wonder how many girls he had been with. I assumed quite a few considering his history in high school. I didn't want to be another check mark on what could have been a long list of them.

Cameron bent down next to the nightstand and turned on the radio. He fiddled with it until he found a classic rock station. "Let's see if they play any of your Top Three favorites," he said.

He flopped on to the bed closest to the door and rolled on his side, his head propped up with his elbow. "Care to join me?" he asked.

We were both fully clothed, so I didn't think things would go too far but I got extremely nervous anyway. A big part of me wanted to be with Cameron but a small part of me was still afraid of fully engaging.

I crawled onto the bed and lay next to him. His stunning green eyes were filled with tenderness. "I could just look at you all night and it would be enough."

Small shivers ran through me as he softly caressed my face the way I had caressed his earlier. He leaned down and placed his mouth on mine. His first kiss was tender and sweet. He tasted like spearmint gum. Then he pulled me closer, so our bodies were touching, and his kisses became more intense and filled with desire.

As he pulled me close and our bodies met, only our clothes separated us. I could feel his erection growing hard against me and it both excited and scared me.

"I want you, Dee Dee," he whispered in my ear. "You have no idea how long I've wanted you."

I was lost in a torrent of emotion as he kissed me and caressed me and his desire for me grew.

"Yes," I whispered so softly, I wasn't sure the word had actually come out of my mouth.

"Tell me what you want, Dee Dee. Do you want me?"

"I want you," I said, this time with more conviction.

He looked into my eyes. "Are you sure? You really want me? You have to be sure."

I gulped. "I'm sure."

His eyes glistened with that glorious sparkle that I adored and a small smile formed in the corner of his mouth. He kissed me, then began to slowly unbutton my shirt. He followed each button with a butterfly kiss, first on my collar bone followed by kisses all the way down my chest. With each light kiss, shivers ran through me until every nerve ending in my body was aroused and on high alert.

Just as he was about to undue the top button of my jeans, we heard a blood-curdling scream from the hallway followed by several doors slamming.

We both jumped from the bed and I quickly buttoned my blouse. Talk about bad timing. I tried to compose myself and when I looked over at Cameron, he was in even worse shape, as his full arousal was difficult to hide. He put his hands in his pockets in an attempt to tame the beast in his pants and I tried to do the best I could to tame my hair.

When we heard another series of loud voices and doors slamming in the hall way, we knew we had to get out there to see what was going on.

Antonio and Sofia were already knocking on doors when we arrived at the end of the hall. Antonio gave us both the once over and grinned.

"Like you weren't doing the same thing," Cameron scoffed.

"A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell," Antonio joked.

Sofia apparently found something amiss in the room Grace and Savannah were sharing because she stormed in there with her hands flying in the air.

"What do you all think you're doing?" I could hear her scream. I scurried into the room after her and Antonio and Cameron followed.

The room was a disaster. There were empty beer cans strewn about; chips and cheese doodles were everywhere including several crushed into the carpeting; and the non-smoking room reeked of cigarettes.

"It's not what it looks like," Grace cried on the verge of tears. "The boys brought beer and cigarettes into our room."

Sofia's face was turning red with anger. "What were the boys even doing in your room?" she spat.

Grace turned into a sobbing heap and Savannah started sniveling behind her.

"Who were the boys in your room?" Sofia demanded.

Neither of the girls spoke. Were they really going to protect the boys who supposedly caused the mess?

"If you don't tell me, you'll be the ones in trouble," Sofia continued. I was so proud of her. She was just like a mini Dr. Jones.

I noticed a small crowd of other kids had gathered outside the door to watch the show. Ryan and Hunter both looked like cats that had swallowed canaries.

The group of kids parted like the Red Sea when Dr. Jones marched through them and into the room. It was like all the air was sucked out of the small space when Dr. Jones glanced around.

"To say I'm disappointed would be an understatement," she stated. She made a show of inspecting the strewn beer cans and the junk food in the carpet. "This is disgraceful and completely shames you and the school."

She glared at Grace and Savannah, who were now sobbing. "You both need to pack your things. You're out of the program."

Both girls gasped at the same time.

"Please don't do this," Destiny pleaded as she entered the room. "It's not their fault."

Dr. Jones narrowed her eyes and glared at Destiny. "Were you are part of this?"

Destiny looked traumatized. She shook her head slowly as if she was unsure of the correct response.

"I warned you all that anyone who broke the rules would be immediately dismissed from the program." She moved her arm around the room. "Several rules were broken here."

When I looked at the kids in the hallway, they were all wide-eyed.

"What are you waiting for?" She eyed Grace and Savannah. "This place needs to be cleaned up and I'm phoning your parents to pick you up."

The two girls gasped again.

"But it's the middle of the night," Savannah pleaded.

"My dad's going to kill me," Grace moaned.

"Can you at least wait until morning to call them—please?" Savannah looked like her world had just ended and from her perspective, it probably just had.

Dr. Jones shook her head. "You are no longer participants in the College Bound program, so I can no longer take responsibility for you, nor do I want to." She made a point of glancing around the room again at all of the evidence of wrong-doing.

Then Dr. Jones turned to the kids still standing in the hall way. "Does anyone else want to join them? Do any of you want to admit to being a part of this?"

I saw Lyle start to make a move, like he might confess, he caught my eye and I slowly shook my head and mouthed no. He put his head down.

When I glanced over at Dr. Jones, I breathed a sigh of relief that she hadn't seen the interaction between Lyle and I. Cameron had, though, and he was looking at me with a strange expression on his face.

Dr. Jones stared intently at Ryan and Hunter but neither of them was budging. All of the kids were now staring at the floor and wouldn't even look Dr. Jones in the eye.

I had the feeling that if all of the kids responsible for the party gave themselves up, Cameron and I wouldn't have anyone left in our group.

"Fine," Dr. Jones said. "I want all of you to get back to your rooms. We've got a big day ahead of us with the Museum of Natural History and the Planetarium."

Cameron and I made sure all of our kids went back to their rooms while Dr. Jones stood over Grace and Savannah while they cleaned and packed.

I noticed Destiny was crying as she headed back to the room. I wanted to see if she was okay so I stopped her.

"Is everything alright?" I asked.

Her eyes were red and filled with tears. "Not really," she replied.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really," she repeated.

"I know it's late. Let me know if you want to talk."

She nodded then turned and headed down the hallway.

Cameron touched my arm and I turned toward him. I'll see you in ten minutes, he mouthed then went into the room that he was supposed to be sharing with Antonio.

Sofia grabbed my elbow and pulled me into our room. As soon as the door shut, she flopped down on the unused bed. "That was intense," she declared.

"We could have lost our entire group," I stated.

"At least we don't have to worry about the kids having any more parties when we go to Washington for three days."

I flopped on the other bed. "Those kids may not have another party until they graduate from _college_."

"Lyle was going to turn himself in and I persuaded him not to," I admitted.

"Dr. Jones was harsh. I probably would have done the same thing."

I propped myself on my elbow and faced her. "Do you think she was too harsh?"

Sofia turned to face me. "I believe in giving people second chances. And I think you do, too."

"Are we still talking about the kids?" I asked.

"Everyone makes mistakes. Bad choices. Especially when they're young. Hopefully we learn from them. Believe me, I was no saint when I was in high school."

"And what did you do that was so bad?" I thought she would say she drank and partied. Typical high school stuff.

Instead, her expression turned serious. "I was a wild child. I didn't follow any of my momma's rules. I started dating older guys when I was 14 years old. By the time I was 15, I was pregnant by a guy who was 25. He was married and had kids. He wouldn't accept responsibility. He said I got around and the kid could have been anyone's but he was the only guy I had been with in months. I was in love with him, or so I thought. My mom wanted me to get an abortion but I didn't feel right about it. She finally talked me into it and there were complications. The doctors say it may be difficult or even impossible for me to have kids. So I could have had a kid when I didn't want one but when the time comes and I want one, I probably won't be able to have one. That's a mistake with some pretty heavy consequences."

I didn't know what to say. Was there anything to say? "I'm sorry," was all that would come out.

She nodded.

"Does Antonio know?" As soon as I asked the question, I realized I may have crossed a line. I wasn't even sure they were serious enough to have a discussion like that. And it really wasn't any of my business.

A tear drop slid down her face and she quickly brushed it away. "I'm not sure any guy will ever want to marry me if I can't have kids."

"I think if a guy loves you, he'll be okay with it."

She brushed another tear drop from her cheek. "Do you really think so?"

"Isn't that what love is supposed to be about? Accepting the other person, even with all their faults?"

"And you accept Cameron?" she asked. "Faults and all?"

I gulped. How had the conversation turned so quickly to me and Cameron? "I thought we were talking about you?"

"You know you're going to have to forgive Cameron if you want this thing between you to work. But even more important, you have to forgive Alex and you have to forgive yourself."

I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I had never thought about forgiving Alex, or myself for that matter.

"Have you forgiven yourself?" I asked.

"Not really," she admitted. "It's not that easy."

Somehow it felt like she was preaching to the choir.

We both sat in the silence of our own thoughts for a few moments until there was a soft knock on the door and Cameron entered.

"The coast is clear," he said. "Dr. Jones took the girls down to the lobby to meet their parents."

Sofia and I both rose from our beds.

Cameron was looking at Sofia, concern in his eyes. "Is everything okay?" he asked.

"Girl stuff," she said dismissively as she hopped from the bed. "I'd better see what Antonio is up to. You can't leave the boy alone for too long. He comes up with all kinds of crazy schemes."

When the door closed behind Sofia, Cameron lay down on the bed next to me. "Are you okay?" he asked.

I exhaled. "I'm not sure."

He turned to face me. "What's going on?"

"Sofia and I were talking about forgiveness."

He closed his eyes and swallowed hard, like he was bracing himself for the worst, expecting me to say something to hurt him. I placed a soft kiss on his cheek and he exhaled.

We looked into each other's eyes for a long moment.

"I don't have many expectations for my life anymore," he said. "There aren't many things I want or hope for. But your forgiveness tops the list of things I still want."

"I know. But I think it's more complicated than that."

"What do you mean?"

"Sofia told me that I had to forgive Alex and also forgive myself. I feel like they're all connected somehow."

Cameron moved up so that his head and upper back were leaning on the pillows. "I feel like you're so far away." He patted his chest. "You can lie here."

"I'm like five inches from you," I protested.

"That's five inches too far."

I harrumphed then made my way up to him. He embraced me and pulled me close. As I lay my head on his chest, I could feel his heart beating beneath me. I was starting to enjoy the sound. It was comforting feeling his aliveness.

He placed a kiss on my forehead. "Tell me why you need to forgive yourself," he whispered.

"I feel like I should have done more for Alex. He was my only sibling and my best friend. How could I not know he was in that much pain? I should have been able to save him."

"When people kill themselves, it's their choice, their decision. You did the best you could. He obviously didn't want you to know. He didn't want you to save him."

I could feel tears begin to stream down my cheeks. "I miss him so much."

"What else?" Cameron asked.

The question caught me off guard. "What do you mean?"

"What else?" he repeated.

I repeated the question to myself. _What else_? _What else_?

"I guess I'm angry at him for leaving," I admitted. "Sometimes I feel like he took the easy way out. I'm mad that he didn't see all the good he had inside and all of his potential. I feel like he threw it all away."

Cameron reached over to the nightstand on the other side of the bed and grabbed a small box of tissues. He placed the box on the bed next to me then took one of the tissues from the box and gently wiped the tears from my face.

"I'm sorry I'm such a mess," I said.

"There's nothing to be sorry about. Crying is good for the soul. It's cathartic. And I know what you're thinking: that's a big word for a dumb jock."

"That's not what I was thinking and I don't think you're dumb. You were kind of a stereo-typical jock, though. Not so much anymore."

"Yeah, well, it's kind of hard to be a jock when you don't play sports anymore."

I looked into his eyes. They were warm and open. "Do you miss it?"

He nodded. "A lot more than I ever thought I would when I was playing."

"Do you think you'll ever play again?"

He shook his head. "No. I didn't like the person I was when I played ball. I definitely won't play competitive sports again. Maybe I'll take up golf when I'm old but that's about it."

"I can just imagine you wearing those white golf pants and a lime green polo shirt." I laughed.

"And don't forget the white golf shoes to match."

We both smiled and stared at each other for a moment. Then he gave me a soft kiss. "It's getting late," he whispered. "Maybe we'd better try to get some sleep."

As soon as he mentioned _sleep_ , I could feel myself getting drowsy. I rested my head on Cameron's chest and he nestled me close. Just as I drifted off to sleep, I thought I heard Cameron whisper that he loved me but it also could have been a dream.

***

Our tour through the American Museum of Natural History was much more somber than I anticipated. Without Grace and Savannah, it was like a dark cloud had descended over the group. Maybe they felt a little guilty that two of them got sent home for what was probably more likely a group affair. I had a suspicion they were probably also afraid the other shoe might drop and they'd be sent packing, too. Anyway, they were all on their best behavior and even though teens were notorious for having short memories and even shorter attention spans, I had a feeling seeing Grace and Savannah crying as they left, suitcases in hand, would be etched in their memories for a long time.

My favorite part of our very long day was the Journey to the Stars space show at the Hayden Planetarium. Not only because it gave us all a chance to sit and relax but also because it was dark and Cameron and I could finally touch each other.

While we were touring the exhibits, Cameron and I were on our best behavior. Not only because of what happened the previous evening with Grace and Savannah being dismissed from the program but also because Dr. Jones seemed to be on high alert for any other wrong doing that might take place.

When we were seated together in the darkness of the planetarium, however, all bets were off. Cameron took my hand in his and rested our entwined hands on his leg. It was such a simple gesture but I immediately felt closer to him than I had all day. I preferred it when there was no distance between us; I always felt the compulsion to close the distance and be near enough to feel his presence—and his warmth.

_Funny_ , I thought. Thinking of Cameron Connelly as _warm_ or even a presence I craved to be near was such a conflicting feeling to what I _should_ have felt.

Wasn't it?

Shouldn't I want to be as far away from _the bully_ as possible? Only Cameron no longer fit the bill, at least not in my mind. Cameron was moving quickly from _tormentor_ to _redeemer_ and I wasn't even sure how it happened.

When Cameron slid down in his chair, I slide down in mine. I had a feeling his motivation for the slouch in the seat was to kiss me and I wasn't wrong. He leaned over and placed a tender kiss on my cheek.

"I couldn't resist," he whispered in my ear. "Don't get mad."

I quickly glanced around to make sure no one was watching us and when I saw everyone was preoccupied with the show, I replied, "I'm not mad."

"Good," he said as he leaned over and placed a soft kiss on my lips. "I couldn't resist that either," he whispered.

I smiled as I rested my head on his muscular shoulder. On my touch, the muscles in his entire body seemed to relax and he let out a breath. It felt nice that we could just be together, there is the darkness of the planetarium, just a guy and a girl, holding hands and enjoying each other's company. I didn't want the moment to end.

# Week Four

"Why has no one said anything about going out on Friday night?" I asked as I set my tray down at the lunch table.

Sofia and Antonio looked up from their lunches and stared at me with blank expressions.

I eyed them suspiciously. "What's going on?"

They both shrugged.

"There's something you're not telling me."

They both bit their lips like they were trying not to tell me whatever it was they were hiding.

"Spill," I demanded.

"Cameron will kill us if we do," Antonio said and Sofia immediately elbowed him for it.

"Just shut up about it," Sofia barked. "She's not even supposed to know there's something she doesn't know."

I looked back and forth between Sofia and Antonio. "You know the two of you are perfect for each other."

Sofia rolled her eyes but Antonio pulled her close and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "You know Dee Dee is right. We are perfect for each other."

Sofia gave a half smile and Antonio placed a wet one on her lips.

I heard the sound of a tray placed next to mine and I glanced over to see Cameron sitting down next to me. He handed me a single white rose and an envelope. I gave him a puzzled looked.

"What is this?" I asked holding up the envelope.

"Why don't you open it and find out?"

I sliced the seal off the envelope with my index finger and opened it. It was an invitation that read: _Cameron Connelly requests the presence of Dee Dee DeMarco this Friday at 7p.m. for an evening of dining and conversation. Please RSVP to Cameron no later than Thursday so he can make reservations for the date_.

I smelled the delicate rose. "Nice touch."

"I figured I'd have to do something special so you'd agree to go out with me. I remembered hearing something about Mason sending you a candy gram the first time he asked you out. That's not easy to compete with."

"Candy grams are nice but I like flowers better."

"So noted."

"I would love to go out with you Friday," I said. "Consider that my RSVP."

I saw a big grin cross Cameron's face. "You won't be disappointed."

I didn't know how I possibly could be.

***

Friday night came too quickly. I felt like I was looking forward to it so intensely that I somehow made time speed up.

I looked at myself in the mirror for what felt like the twentieth time and I still looked the same. I felt like a little girl trying to be all grown up.

"I just don't know about this outfit," I said. I was wearing a little black dress that Sofia loaned me and because she had so many more curve than I did, it felt a little too loose fitting. I felt like a kid playing dress up in her mom's clothes.

"Here, try this," Sofia said. She turned me toward her and placed a hot pink scarf around my waist like a belt. Then she spun me back around toward the mirror.

"See, much better, right?" she asked.

I examined the modified outfit in the mirror. "It is better," I said without much conviction. It was better but I still felt like an imposter. The restaurant was supposed to be quite a posh place, exclusive and quite expensive. I didn't feel like I belonged in a place like that.

"Are you sure you don't want to come?" I gave Sofia a pleading look.

She shook her head. "First of all, this is a special date for you and Cameron. I think he wants to fly solo tonight and have you all to himself. And second, I already have a date. Antonio is taking me to his favorite restaurant, Subway."

Subway actually sounded good. It sounded like a place where I could relax and wear jeans and not feel like a kid in grown up clothes.

"You look great," Sofia assured me. "Cameron will feel like the luckiest guy in the world when he's with you tonight. He'll probably be the envy of every guy in the place."

I let out a cynical laugh. "Okay, whatever you say."

"You know I only speak the truth," she insisted.

I gave her a hug. "Thanks for everything."

"That's what friends are for," she reminded me. "And thanks for your advice about not being afraid to tell Antonio about what happened to me."

"What did he say?"

"Well, at first he wanted to kill the guy who knocked me up."

"That sounds just like Antonio."

"After I got him off of that crazy idea. He said he wasn't sure he wanted kids any way. He said if it happened sometime in the future, he'd be okay with it but if it didn't he'd be fine with that, too. I was surprised. It never occurred to me that I might find a guy, who didn't care about having kids. I guess I just assumed everyone wanted them at some point."

We gave each other another hug.

When Cameron came to the door, he looked stunning in his fitted black suit. He was holding a small bouquet of white roses.

I smiled. "Let me guess. The rest of the dozen?"

He nodded. "I didn't want that flower I gave you yesterday to get lonely."

I had to give him credit for creativity. I kissed his cheek. "Thank you for the flowers. They are lovely."

"Would it be a cliché for me to say they're not as lovely as you?"

"A terrible one," I answered.

"Okay, then I won't."

We both laughed.

***

The restaurant surpassed my expectations. Posh wasn't even classy enough to describe the place. It was the height of class, sophistication and elegance, from the enormous chandelier in the grand entry way to the fountains and ornate decor. The other patrons were wearing gowns and tuxedos, like they had tickets to the symphony or opera immediately following dinner. Even in my best clothes, I felt completely and totally underdressed and out of place.

We were seated on the second floor balcony next to a small fountain. Listening to the fountain calmed my nerves a bit and the broad smile on Cameron's face immediately put me at ease.

"This place is amazing," he said as the host seated us and handed us menus. I noticed he discretely removed the wine menu from the table. Cameron probably could have passed for twenty-one but I knew I looked about twelve, so there was no way I was getting served anything but soda.

I almost choked when I glanced at the prices on the menu then I realized I was just looking at the appetizers. Cameron really was trying his hardest to impress me. Our meal was easily going to cost half a week's pay.

"The steaks here are supposed to be excellent," Cameron suggested.

"Is that what you're having?" I asked.

"I think so."

There were suddenly too many choices and I wasn't sure what to get. I intentionally didn't eat anything all day so I'd be hungry for dinner but now that we were here, I was nervous and my stomach didn't feel that hungry anymore.

We both put down our menus and Cameron took my hands in his. "I really wanted our first real date to be special," he said.

"This is beyond special. It's almost too much."

"The food is supposed to be amazing. And being here with you is worth any price."

He didn't lie. The food was amazing, maybe the best I'd even had. I had lobster and Cameron had prime rib. We exchanged bites of each other's dishes and I wasn't sure which was better. I didn't think it would be possible to ever have more delicious food again in my life.

When we got back to my room, Cameron kissed me goodnight at my door.

"Aren't you going to come in?" I asked. There was a hint of disappointment in my voice. "It's not that late."

"I was just waiting for you to ask," he admitted.

"So, you're taking this gentleman-on-a-date thing all the way, huh?" I teased.

"I try never to make assumptions about anyone or anything. Assumptions usually lead to disappointment."

I unlocked my door then took his hand in mine and led him into my room. As soon as the door closed behind us, he pulled me close and devoured me with his kisses.

"I've been waiting to do that all night," he admitted when we stopped for a breath.

I grabbed his hand and pulled him toward my bed. Then we both stared at each other for a long moment.

"I never told you how beautiful you look tonight. I love that dress on you."

"I was hoping you'd love it off of me, too," I teased.

I removed the scarf belt and threw it on the chair next to the bed. "I need your help to unzip this," I said as I turned my back toward Cameron.

"Are you sure about this," he whispered into my ear.

"Very sure," I promised him.

He slowly unzipped my dress and I removed the straps from my shoulders and let it drop to the floor. Then I turned to face him.

He swallowed as he took me in. "You were right. I love the dress off of you even more."

"What about this?" I unsnapped my bra and let it fall to the floor. Then I stepped out of my underwear. I was completely naked and vulnerable standing in front of him.

"Do you like what you see?" I asked. I could feel the uncertainty in my voice. I knew Cameron had been with a lot of girls and I wondered how I compared.

"I love what I see," he asserted as he stepped closer and held me in his arms.

His next kiss was gentle, soft, sweet but it slowly intensified until we were both nearly ravaging each other. Things were happened so fast and furiously I put my hand to his chest to slow the pace for a moment.

"Is everything okay," he asked breathlessly.

"We've got a problem," I teased.

He looked stricken. "What?"

"You have entirely too many clothes on."

A half smile crossed his face. "That's a problem easily solved."

I watched as he removed his suit jacket and placed it on the desk chair. He took off his shoes and socks and left them under the chair. He carefully unbuttoned his shirt and placed it on the chair with the jacket. Then he stepped out of his pants and added them to the pile of clothes he'd made.

Then he turned to face me with just his boxer briefs. His body was perfect, lean and muscular. Even though he said he was no longer playing sports, he was obviously still working out.

"How's that?" he asked. There was a hint of uncertainty in his voice. The boy had nothing to be uncertain about, that was for sure.

I stepped closer and placed a hand on his hard chest. He drew in a breath as I carefully caressed his muscular abs. "I want you," I whispered.

As if he had been waiting all of this life to hear those three words, Cameron's mouth crashed into mine and he devoured me.

When Cameron looked at me, he had a twinkle in his eye that I had never seen before, it was both mischievous and sexy. Without taking his eyes from mine, he lifted me up and carried me over to the bed. He carefully laid me down and for a moment, he took me in, his eyes traveling every inch of my body. I felt like he was trying to memorize everything about me—every feature and every curve of my body.

He took in a breath and I thought he might say something but no words came out.

"What?" I asked, a half smile overtaking my face.

"I know it sounds like a line but you're truly beautiful."

My smile grew larger. "That does sound like a line."

Cameron removed his boxer briefs and climbed into the bed next to me. Then he took his index finger and slowly ran it down the length of my arm, from my shoulder blade to my fingers. Then he ran his finger down my side to my hip and then to my belly button, where he lingered a few seconds. Shivers ran through me as he circled the edge of my belly button with his finger.

He moved down to my feet and ran his finger from my inner ankle, all the way up my leg and my inner thigh, releasing another wave of shudders through me. He didn't stop there, his finger moved to my other thigh and he ran it the length of my thigh down my leg to my other ankle. When he did a slow deliberate circle around my ankle, I felt like I might explode.

Cameron moved up to my nipples and his finger worked magic as he circled and caressed each nub.

When every nerve ending in my body was charged, Cameron moved his mouth to mine and attacked me with lips and tongue.

I had never felt so much desire in my life. "I want you," I whispered. But it was more than that. I felt like I needed Cameron. I needed to feel that ultimate connection with him, body and soul.

"Are you sure? Tell me you're sure."

"Yes, I'm sure."

Without any more hesitation, Cameron jumped from the bed and removed a packet from his suit jacket pocket. He ripped it open and rolled the condom over his impressive erection.

When he rejoined me in the bed, he positioned himself over me and our eyes locked for a moment. He kissed me as he slid into me and I felt as bit of pain as he began to thrust in and out of me. He must have sensed my discomfort because he looked concerned. "Am I hurting you?" he asked.

"It's just been a while," I admitted. It had been a few years since I'd been with Mason. "Just keep going."

He did as he was told and the pain quickly subsided as he found his rhythm and I became lost in the magic of his lovemaking. For the first time, in a long time, I was able to feel something other than darkness. I was so engaged in the deep connection Cameron and I shared that my mind was finally free of the desperate thoughts that had haunted me for so long.

When Cameron gasped, I knew he was ready to climax and I was soon there with him. The release I felt was so intense and absolute, I was completely lost in the moment.

After we were both spent. I lay my head on his chest, which felt damp with sweat. "You're not working out enough," I teased.

"Not that kind of workout anyway," he offered.

We both held each other for a few moments, enjoying the post-coital bliss.

He began playing with my shoulder, circling it with his finger. "I want to tell you about the scar," he announced.

It felt like it had come out of left field but it also seemed like something he needed to get off of his chest. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," he said almost grimly. I got the feeling that there were things he needed to say before our relationship could progress.

"Okay, tell me."

"It happened when I was 12. I showed a lot of promise in basketball, so my parents sent me to a basketball camp the summer before I started junior high. It was supposed to be one of the best basketball camps in the country. They were known as star makers. A number of their graduates had gone on to become pro players. My parents thought I had the potential to someday go pro with the right coaching. They paid a small fortune for me to go for six weeks."

He paused for a moment and played with the tattoo on my wrist, tracing it with his finger. "There was a coach there, Mr. Preston and he immediately picked me out of the crowd. He was really hard on me. He said it was because he could see I had potential that I wasn't living up to. He yelled at all the kids, called us all kinds of names. His favorites were to call us _fairies_ and _faggots_. Most of the kids were quickly demoralized. He completely tore us down. At one practice, he got so angry because I wasn't doing a shot the way he wanted me to, he lifted up a plastic chair and threw it at me. The edge of the chair leg caught right above my eye and ripped a pretty bad gash. It bled everywhere. From the amount of blood, you would have thought he stabbed me. He actually yelled at me for messing up the floor with so much blood.

"One of the other coaches, a female coach who was working with the girls, took me to the hospital. They told my parents that one of the other kids hit me in the eye with a basketball. I never told them what actually happened and no one else ever said a word about it. We were all scared. Coach Preston had a lot of connections in the NBA and with college recruiters. He was one of those guys, who knew everyone. No one wanted to cross him and risk their basketball careers.

"When I came back after my trip to the hospital, Coach Preston backed off of me for a while. But something else happened. Something even worse than the scar over my eye."

Cameron averted my gaze and it made me nervous. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear anymore but he continued.

"The first time was in his office. Coach Preston told me he wanted to meet with me about my game. He said he had something he wanted to show me. What he wanted to show me was his dick."

I could feel my stomach lurch and I suddenly felt as though I might vomit.

Cameron was still nervously tracing the lines of my wrist tattoo as he spoke. "Over the next few weeks, I tried to stay as far away from him as I could but he kept telling me he wanted me to meet him in his office. Finally, he caught me in the hallway and forced me to follow him into his office. I was scared to death because I knew what he wanted. He made me touch him. I was so disgusted after I left his office, I actually ran into the bathroom and threw up. Luckily, there were only a few days left of the camp and he never cornered me again."

"I never told anyone, not even my parents, until I was in counseling this past year." He finally glanced up at me. "You're the only other person, who knows."

I wasn't sure what to say. So many different thoughts and feelings were swirling through my head. I could see he was still hurting. The little boy inside of him was damaged by what happened. I wanted to support him and I was also completely outraged and angry that a coach entrusted to work with children could completely betray that trust.

He looked at me with so much pain and sadness, I could feel my chest clench.

"You're disgusted by me, aren't you? I knew I shouldn't have told you."

"No," I said quickly. "That's not it at all. If anything, I'm disgusted by anyone who would do that to a young boy. That coach was a sick man. It wasn't your fault."

He shook his head. "I should have told someone. I shouldn't have been alone with him. Especially after I knew what he really wanted. I heard he retired a few years later but I don't think he really retired. He was too young. Probably only fifty. But I think someone found out and made him leave. I wondered if he did to other boys what he had done to me. Could I have stopped it from happening if I had the courage to tell someone what he did to me? I didn't think anyone would believe me. He made me out to be a complete and total fuck up. I thought if I told anyone, they would think I was just saying it to get him in trouble."

"You were 12 years old. You were just a kid. You were scared and alone. He was a coach everyone looked up to. You did the best you could."

He sighed. "When I talked to my counselor, she asked me to think about any connection there might be between what happened to me when I was 12 and what we did to Alex."

Cameron looked into my eyes and he looked even sadder and more vulnerable.

"Whenever I saw Alex and thought about him being gay, all the memories about what the Coach made me do and how disgusting and dirty it made me feel, all came flooding back to me. I think that's why I said those things to Alex. Why I called him all those names. I know it was wrong and there are no excuses for my behavior. But there was a reason for it. A really twisted and messed up reason but still a reason."

I felt like I'd been slapped in the face with his confession. I was even more confused and shaken to the core.

When Cameron looked at me again, his eyes were wet. "Please say something. I don't want to lose you. I _can't_ lose you. Not now. _Please_ —"

Cameron sounded desperate but I wasn't sure what to say. I gulped. "It's just a lot to absorb. You know I haven't completely come to terms with Alex's death. This adds a whole new side to it that I never even imaged. I have no idea what to say."

"Can you at least say you won't leave me? I need you, Dee Dee. Please." Cameron looked so raw and so vulnerable, it pierced my heart.

I wanted to tell Cameron everything he wanted to hear. I wanted to tell him that I wouldn't leave him, especially not now, but the words wouldn't come out of my mouth. They felt stuck in my dry throat.

"Please," he begged.

I knew Cameron needed me, especially after he's opened himself up to me and told me everything I had asked him to tell me. But it was too overwhelming. I felt like I was completely drowning in the wreckage and despair of both of our lives.

"I just need some time," I managed to say.

Cameron looked stunned and confused. "What does that mean?"

"Please don't read into it more than there is." That was easy for me to say but not to do. I was the queen of reading too much into everything and I had a suspicion Cameron was the king.

I placed my hand on Cameron's cheek and he closed his eyes and felt the warmth of my touch for a moment.

"Please don't leave me," he whispered. "I need you."

I placed a soft kiss on his lips. "I've been completely alone ever since Alex died. No friends, no boyfriends. I haven't even had any significant relationship with my mom and dad. I have to admit, I'm a little overwhelmed right now. You charged your way into my life, which threw me off balance, and this has completely put me into a tailspin. I'm not saying I don't want to be with you. I'm not saying we won't be together. I just need some time to sort all of this out."

His lips became a tight line. "Fine," he stated as he got up from the bed.

"Please don't be mad." I didn't like seeing Cameron like this; he had completely shut down. I knew the look. I did it all the time myself.

"I'm not mad," he said as he whipped his clothes on. "I'm just giving you what you want. Time."

He was dressed within seconds. He didn't even look back at me as he headed out the door.

I wanted to say, _Cameron wait, don't go_ , but the words never made it out of my mouth.

***

That night, I had a horrible nightmare. I saw Alex the way I found him after he killed himself, hanging from a belt in the closet. Then I saw a sliced wrist, bleeding all over a bed. I gasped as I woke up.

Alex never slit his wrist. I never knew anyone who slit his wrists. Why had I dreamt about a slit wrist? The dream was so graphic and felt so real. I was overcome with a feeling of dread so sudden and so intense, it took my breath away.

Cameron. Somehow, I knew Cameron was in trouble. I glanced at the clock and it was 4 a.m. I threw on a pair of slippers, grabbed my room key and headed over to Cameron's room.

I knocked on the door but there was no response. I knocked harder and still nothing. I didn't want to pound on the door and risk waking the kids up.

To my surprise, when I twisted the knob, the door was unlocked.

"Cameron," I said as I entered his room. "Are you okay?"

When I saw him lying on his bed in a pool of blood, I fell to my knees. Even my nightmare hadn't prepared me for what I saw. I tried to pull myself together as quickly as I could. I grabbed his cell phone that was lying on his desk and called the police.

When they asked me if he was still breathing, I panicked. I don't know why I had assumed he was still alive—that he could still be saved. Was it just wishful thinking? I didn't know if I could handle him being dead.

But he was still alive, barely breathing, but breathing. I didn't know much about medical things but I knew enough to try and stop the bleeding, if I could. I rifled through his dresser and found a clean T-shirt that a fashioned into a crude tourniquet.

"Please don't die," I whispered even though I wasn't sure he could even hear me. "I love you Cameron Connelly. Don't leave me."

Tears were streaming down my face as I phoned Sofia.

"I'm in Cameron's room," I said.

She didn't even ask any questions. She could probably hear the fear and dread in my voice. The only thing she said was, "I'll be right down."

Within minutes, Sofia and Antonio, both in pajamas and with serious bedhead, were standing next to me, holding my hands.

I noticed there was a half empty bottle of whiskey on the floor next to the bed. A knife. Lots of blood. The only thing I didn't see was a note. That was the thing about suicide. Everyone always assumed there was a note. That the person would want to tell everyone why they did it. Alex didn't leave a note. Apparently Cameron didn't write one either. I had a feeling I knew why Cameron did it, though.

When the police and ambulance arrived, there was a whirlwind of activity as they tried to save Cameron's life. I asked if I could go in the ambulance to the hospital but they told me no. I would have to find a way myself. Antonio immediately volunteered to drive me.

"We'd better get dressed first," Sofia said. "You kind of look like shit."

"So do you," I teased. I knew she was trying to make me feel less—everything but I couldn't even muster a half smile. The only thing I could think about was Cameron and wanting to be with him.

"He's going to be okay," Sofia assured me. "You got here in time. You saved him."

I wanted to believe her. I needed him to be okay. What I didn't want to tell her was I was probably the reason he did it.

***

We got to the hospital as quickly as we could. Sofia and Antonio stood by my side as I asked about Cameron and his condition. The nurse said she couldn't release any information about him without his consent.

"But I'm the one who found him," I protested. "I'm the one who stopped him from bleeding to death and called the police. You have to tell me how he is."

I felt like I was ready to explode. If one person said the wrong thing to me, I would completely and totally lay into them. I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself.

"If he gives his permission, I'll be happy to give you a report."

Sofia looked at me, her eyes soft. "If they have to ask his permission, that means he's alive and able to communicate, right?"

I nodded. My only thought was, what if he doesn't want to see me. What if he doesn't want me to know his condition? What if he tells me to just go away? I could feel myself start to hyperventilate as all of those thoughts swirled around in my head.

"I need to see him," I gasped.

Sofia embraced me in a hug. "It's going to be alright. Just try to breath. Okay?"

I inhaled another deep breath and tried not to think about the blood and the knife and how much Cameron must have been hurting.

Could I have handled it if he had succeeded? If he had died like Alex? Would I even be able to live with myself or would I have eventually killed myself, too? I had to stop thinking about the _what ifs_. Cameron wasn't dead. He hadn't killed himself. And I was going to tell him that not only did I love him, I also forgave him. I just needed the chance...

After what seemed like an eternity of standing and waiting, Antonio announced that he was going to get some coffee. He volunteered to come back with three cups and off he went in search of sustenance.

When Antonio came back with our coffees, we all took seats in the small waiting area. I watched as the hands on the wall clock crept slowly. Why did time seem to stand still, of even go backwards, when you're waiting for important news? I felt like we were in some kind of weird hospital Twilight Zone where every minute actually took ten.

By the time I had finished my coffee, a gray-haired man in a white lab coat walked over to us.

"I'm Dr. Powell. I've had a chance to examine Cameron and he's stable. The only thing he'll say is I need to see Dee Dee. I assume one of you is Dee Dee?"

I jumped from my seat. "Me!" I practically screamed.

"Follow me," Dr. Powell said.

I followed him down a narrow hallway and into the area with the emergency examination rooms. Dr. Powell pointed to Room Three. "He's in there."

I slowly pulled the curtain back and entered the small room. Cameron was hooked up to some machines and IV tubes and he looked drowsy. His eyes widened when he noticed me.

"You're here," he said as if he was surprised I would be.

I approached his bed and held his hand. The bandage on his wrist made me wince and I could feel a twinge of sadness in my heart.

"Of course I'm here," I said. "Where else would I be?"

He swallowed. "I didn't think you wanted me."

I tried to blink away the tears that were now filling my eyes. "I know. But it's not the truth. I love you."

"I know," he said. "I thought I was dead. I was going toward the white light. I always thought people who said that were crazy but it was true. I felt at peace. But then I heard your voice. You told me not to die. You said you needed me and that you loved me. That's the only reason I came back."

I placed a soft kiss on his lips. "I'm glad you came back. I really don't want to do this without you."

He nodded. "I know."

I sat with Cameron and held his hand while he slept. He needed to rest and I wanted to just watch him. He looked so peaceful. I wondered if what he said was true. Did he really feel at peace when he almost died?

After Alex died, there were people, who told me that he went to Hell because he killed himself. I didn't want to believe that but I honestly didn't know what to believe. I wasn't sure I believed in God, or heaven or Hell anyway. Did people just completely cease to exist once their bodies no longer functioned?

I wondered if Alex thought about what would happen to him when he died. Or was he just in so much pain, he didn't care? Did he think about the possibility of going to Hell? People had already told him he was going to Hell for being gay, so maybe he figured it didn't matter. I wanted Alex to have felt that peace, maybe for the first time in his life and if he did, it made me feel a little better about his death.

When an orderly delivered a lunch tray, Cameron stirred. He blinked a few times as if he was trying to remember where he was. Then he turned toward me and smiled.

"You're still here?" he asked. He voice was hoarse with sleep.

"Where else would I be?"

He tried to laugh but started to cough. I put the small cup of water up to his lips and he took a sip. "I can think of a lot of other places you could be other than in a hospital with a loser like me."

"I thought we already established that I don't date losers."

"That may be true but that still doesn't mean you have to sit here with me."

I met his gaze. "I want to be here with you. There is no place I would rather be."

"Did Sofia and Antonio come by?"

"They've been here several times. They didn't leave my side until we knew you were going to be okay. They had to take over our group today."

Cameron let out a small sigh. "Do the kids know?" he asked as a wave of sadness crossed his face.

I shook my head. "I'm not sure. Dr. Jones is supposed to come by later."

"I guess I'm a pretty shitty role model," he said.

"You're human. We all make mistakes."

"Yeah, but this was a pretty big one. I've made quite a few really big ones."

"And I still love you, so what does that say?"

"That you've got shitty taste in men?"

I shook my head and leaned in to give him a soft kiss. "It means you're worth loving."

"You know they're going to probably put me away for a while."

I nodded. I didn't want to face that reality at the moment. I just wanted to be right here, in the moment, with a living and breathing Cameron Connelly.

I could feel a teardrop slide down my face and Cameron looked concerned. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head and quickly tried to wipe away the tears. I wasn't sure I was ready to get into any heavy discussions. My emotions still felt so raw.

Cameron took my hand and squeezed it. For such a big and muscular guy, I was surprised at how weak his squeeze felt. That made me even sadder.

"Please talk to me," Cameron urged. "I need to hear everything you have to say. It's important to me."

He still seemed so fragile, I was afraid to bring up anything that could make him upset or even more vulnerable.

"Look at me," Cameron implored and I did as he asked. "You have to tell me what you're thinking and feeling. It's important to me and it's important for our relationship. I don't want there to be any indirect communication, subtext or misunderstanding. I want everything between us to be straight, flat-out and honest. Deal?"

For someone who had learned to become very skilled at indirect communication, hiding her feelings and engaging in passive aggressive behavior, this was a big step.

"Deal," I said finally.

"And don't think I'm not going to hold you to it. Do we need to do a pinky swear or something just to make sure?"

I laughed. "I don't think a pinky swear will be necessary but give me some time. The only person I ever communicated that openly with in my entire life was Alex. And since he killed himself, I'm not even sure if it was reciprocal."

Cameron turned away and it looked like he was processing what I just said. Then he looked back at me and his expression was somber. "I'm sorry I let you down."

"I feel like I let you down," I admitted.

He wrinkled his brow. "This isn't your fault. You have no reason to feel like you let me down. It was my decision to slit my wrist. My choice. Just like it was Alex's choice to kill himself. I know you want to know why he did it. You want there to be an explanation. Something you can tie up and put into a neat little box. But's there's not. There's no one reason. There's probably a million reasons but not a single reason. I just didn't want to feel anymore. There was just too much pain and I wanted it to stop."

Was Alex in so much pain that all he could think about was making it stop? I knew Cameron was right. I was never going to have an answer to the question: why? I would never know exactly why Alex killed himself. And there probably wasn't a single reason anyway.

The rest of the afternoon felt long and endless until a police officer entered the room. "I'm Officer Dearborn," he said as he made his way toward the bed. I tried to remove my hand from Cameron's, to give them some privacy to talk, but Cameron grasped tighter and wouldn't let me go.

"Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?" The police officer removed a small notebook and pencil from his breast pocket.

"Sure," Cameron said. He was trying to be cool and collected but I could feel his pulse start to race.

The police officer eyed me. "And you are?"

I cleared my throat but it did no good. The words still stuck in my throat. When the words finally came out, my voice sounded raspy and foreign.

"I'm Dee Dee DeMarco."

"And your relationship to Mr. Connelly?" he asked as he wrote down my name.

I glanced over at Cameron. What was my relationship with Cameron? It was so complex.

Before I could reply, Cameron spoke up. "She's my girlfriend and she's staying here. I don't want her to leave."

"So you're saying I have your permission to question you in front of Ms. DeMarco?"

Cameron nodded. "Yes, you have my permission."

"How are you feeling?" the police officer asked.

"I don't think you came here to ask me how I'm feeling, did you." Cameron replied.

"Fine. Then tell me what happened last night."

"I was depressed. I felt hopeless. I didn't think Dee Dee wanted to be with me anymore. I walked down the block to the Quick Stop and gave a guy standing outside fifty bucks to buy me anything with alcohol. He came out with a cheap bottle of whiskey. Probably cost twenty bucks and he pocketed the rest. I came back to my room and started drinking. As you probably would expect, the booze intensified my feelings of depression and I became suicidal. I took the towels from the bathroom, found my old pocketknife that I carry with my toiletries and used it to slice my wrist. I must have only gotten one wrist cut before I passed out."

The police officer took a moment to finish writing everything down. Then he looked back at Cameron. "Is this the first time you've tried to harm yourself?"

He glanced at me then looked up at the police officer. "No," he admitted. "I tried to overdose about a year ago."

Hearing Cameron admit this wasn't his first suicide attempt took the breath out of me. I was shocked but not surprised. I just wish he had told me before now.

"And were you hospitalized after that attempt?"

Cameron nodded. "Thirty-six hours under supervision then I spent several months in intensive daily outpatient treatment."

The police officer nodded. Then he looked at me. "And you found Mr. Connelly?"

"Yes," I squeaked, my voice still not fully cooperating. I swallowed and tried to continue. "I just had a bad feeling. I know it probably sounds weird but Cameron and I are kind of connected and I felt like our connection was being severed. That's the only way I can explain it. So, I went over to his room and knocked on the door. There was no answer. I knew something wasn't right and luckily he hadn't looked the door. I went into his room and found him."

Cameron's face looked pale, like he was going to be sick. "Are you okay?" I asked.

He looked me in the eye and regret filled his face. "I'm sorry you had to find me like that. I didn't think you would be the one to find me."

I kissed his cheek. "It's okay," I whispered. "I'm glad I found you in time."

"Me, too," he replied.

The police officer cleared his throat. "I have a few more questions."

He asked us both to repeat our stories again, which we did.

"That's all I need for now." The police officer flipped two cards from his pocket and handed one to each of us. "Thank you both for your cooperation."

As he exited, Dr. Jones crossed paths with him on her way in.

"Cameron," she said her expression neutral. "I'm glad you're okay."

"Thank you," Cameron said.

"You probably already know why I'm here." Cameron heaved a sigh but Dr. Jones continued. "It goes without saying but you're hereby terminated as a counselor with the College Bound program, effective immediately. I've asked Antonio to remove your belongings from the dorm room. He's agreed to hold them for you until you're ready to retrieve them."

"Dr. Jones," Cameron muttered. When he looked up at her, his eyes were wet with tears. "I just want you to know how truly sorry I am. I know I let you down and I know I let all the kids down."

"The kids are worried about you. I'll let them know you're okay."

Cameron nodded.

"I also wanted to let you know that I'm now required to make an unsatisfactory report to your community service officer."

"I know," Cameron said.

"I'll be in touch soon," Dr. Jones said. "Please take care of yourself." She turned and walked out before Cameron had a chance to respond.

I lay my head on Cameron's chest for a moment and just listened to him breath. It felt oddly comforting not to worry about anything but the moment we were in.

Finally Cameron broke the silence. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about overdosing."

"I know now." I lifted my head from his chest and looked into his eyes.

"It's okay if you don't want to be with me. I wouldn't blame you. I'm a complete fuck up."

"I'm not going anywhere. I already told you that."

Cameron lifted my fingers to his lips and kissed them. "I just wanted you to know I really fucked things up this time. I'm not going to be able to go to Boston for the fall term. I'm going to lose another scholarship. I'll have to stay here and find another place to finish my community service hours. I don't know now if I'll ever get to college."

"You may not be able to go now but that doesn't mean you'll never get to go. I'll help you. We'll figure it out."

"I may have to do some inpatient counseling."

"Do you think it will help?"

He shrugged. "Maybe. I guess it couldn't hurt."

***

Cameron's mom and dad never visited him in the hospital. I could tell he was hurt but shrugged it off. I got to meet his older brother, Colin. He was six years older, so we didn't go the high school together. Cameron looked a lot like Colin except Colin was about four inches shorter and 50 pounds lighter.

"I've heard a lot about you," Colin said as he took my hand and shook it.

Wondering exactly how much he'd heard and if it was good, I gave him a warm smile.

"I'll get your room ready again," Colin said to his brother.

"Just when you thought you were finally rid of me, I'm back already."

"You know you've always got a room at my place," Colin assured him. "I mean it."

Cameron closed his eyes and I knew he needed to rest. It had been a long afternoon.

***

Later that evening, after Cameron picked at the chicken salad and fruit they gave him, he tried his best to talk me into running out to McDonald's to get him a hamburger, fries and a milkshake.

"But you're supposed to be eating healthy," I protested.

"All of the major food groups are represented in a McDonald's meal. Meat, carbs, veggies and dairy."

"Veggies? Really?"

"That burger comes with lettuce and tomatoes," he protested.

I sighed. "If it's okay with the nurse, I will get you some fast food."

He actually grinned and some of the light came back into his face. Getting the fast food was definitely going to be worth it.

The nurse gave me the okay and off I went to Mickey Dees.

By the time I returned, Destiny was exiting Cameron's room.

"Did you get to talk to him?" I asked.

She nodded. "He told me about the tattoos on your wrists."

That completely surprised me.

"Can I see them?" she asked.

I nodded and turned my wrists over for her to see. I explained the symbolism behind both pieces. She carefully examined both the tattoos.

"Does it work?" she asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Does it stop you from trying to kill yourself?"

I nodded. "Did you read the book I gave you?"

She nodded.

"Did it help?"

"Yeah. I gave a lot of thought to how much suicide impacts the people that are left behind. I'll always remember that when things get really bad."

"I'm glad it helped."

"I'll see you back at school," she stated, then turned and walked away. After a moment, she turned back and mouthed, "Thanks" before she disappeared into the depths of the hospital.

# After Cameron Decided to Live

Cameron was right about one thing. They wanted him to stay in inpatient treatment longer this time. Unfortunately, his parents had dropped him from their medical insurance and he had no way to pay for treatment, so they released him. His counselor agreed to see him again on an outpatient basis and let him pay on a sliding fee scale. Cameron said he liked that option better anyway because he already felt comfortable with his counselor. The most important thing I noticed was that Cameron was slowly getting the sunshine back in his wonderful smile.

Sofia, Antonio and I managed our two groups until the end of the College Bound program. The kids all expressed concern about Cameron. I could tell they missed him. The trip to Washington was a challenge but still managed to be fun and educational, imagine that. But without Cameron there to share the experience with me, it fell a little flat, I was actually surprised by how much I missed him when he was gone. Considering how long it took me to actually want to work with him, it seemed like a cruel joke to take him away so quickly. But I thought about him constantly and couldn't stop wondering how he was doing.

And a small part of me was afraid he might try to hurt himself again. I wondered if I would always feel that way or if the day would come when I would be certain that he wanted to stay with me and that he wanted to live.

Was I asking too much? How could anyone ever be that certain? Was I even certain that I could make a promise like that to myself?

After the College Bound Program ended, there were still four weeks until the fall school term started and I needed a place to stay. My mother said she was doing too much entertaining at her new place and I didn't have the stomach to ask what that meant even though I had an idea. She was enjoying being single and dating again.

My dad was also hesitant to have me stay at his place because he was trying to work on his relationship with his new wife. I didn't think it was normal that they seemed to already have so much work to do on their relationship when they were still newlyweds but I didn't feel like going down that street with my dad.

I felt like an adult orphan even though I still had two living parents.

Sofia said I could stay with her family if I didn't mind living with her, her four brothers and their parents and sleeping on the living room couch. I was just about ready to say yes to Sofia's offer when Colin stopped by to see me.

"I hear you've got a little bit of a housing crisis," he said as he sat down on my desk chair.

I took a seat on my bed. "My options are a couch in a house already busting at the seams with seven people or a homeless shelter. I suppose if I had a car, I could sleep in it but I'm not even that fortunate."

Colin smiled. "I want you to know you're welcome to stay at my place with Cameron."

I was surprised by the offer. As much as Cameron wanted me to stay with him, he didn't think his brother would agree to have me stay there, too. Cameron told me his brother didn't think men and women should live together before marriage.

"Thanks," I said but I couldn't hide the surprise from my face.

"I know it's only temporary and that you'll be moving back to the dorm in a few weeks. Plus, you've done so much for my brother and I think he still needs you."

"I need him, too" I confessed.

"I think you both need each other."

***

After I moved the meager belongings I had into Colin's place, the three of us quickly fell into a routine. I knew he probably wouldn't admit it, but I thought Colin actually liked having me around.

The brothers weren't home very much. Colin, who had earned a degree in accounting, worked for a small accounting firm and even though he said they were only really busy during tax season, he still spent a lot of time at the office. And I was proud of Cameron, who secured a part-time job working on a crisis hotline. Since I wasn't working, I kept the small apartment clean and I made sure there was always a hot meal on the table when the guys got home.

One night at dinner I asked Colin why he didn't have a girlfriend. He was an attractive guy, just like his brother. He told me he didn't have much time to date. I thought it had more to do with the fact that he seemed a little shy.

"I think Cameron already got the best girl anyway," he said and winked at me.

As Cameron helped me clear the plates, the phone rang. The three of us just stared at it for a minute. Colin rarely got calls, so I think we were all shocked at first.

On the fifth ring, Colin finally answered it. "Yes, just one moment," he said into the receiver then handed the phone to Cameron.

I couldn't hear what the person on the other end of the line was saying but I could see the look of surprise on Cameron's face as the person spoke.

After he hung up, Cameron turned to me and said, "It was Dr. Jones."

I lifted an eyebrow. "What did she want?"

"She wants to see me tomorrow. Will you come with me?"

"Of course," I assured him. "If you need me."

***

It felt strange to be in Dr. Jones's office again. Even though the program had only ended a few weeks prior, so much had happened, it seemed like an eternity ago.

Cameron and I were both seated in chairs across an extra-large mahogany desk. The piece of furniture was so enormous, it made Dr. Jones look even smaller than she was.

"I suppose you're wondering why I called you here today," she said.

Cameron nodded.

Dr. Jones continued. "It was brought to my attention that one of the freshman class members decided to go backpacking through Europe for a year rather that start school at our fine institution. That means there is an opening. It's a full scholarship. You would just have to cover room and board. I've recommended you for the spot, Cameron."

Both of our jaws dropped at the same time and Cameron and I looked at each other. A small smile crossed my face but Cameron still looked shocked.

He turned back to Dr. Jones. "But you fired me."

"I did," Dr. Jones said. "You deserved to be fired. But you also deserve a second chance. Just so you know, I don't give third chances. You've got your one and only do-over."

"How can I thank you?" Cameron asked.

"By graduating and not messing up before then."

"I won't," Cameron assured her. "I promise."

"I'll be watching you, Mr. Connelly. Remember that."

***

The weekend before the fall term started, Cameron asked me to meet him at Alex's grave. It had been a while since I visited the site, so I brought the letter I had written to Alex over the summer.

The graveyard was quiet and peaceful. It always was. It truly was a final resting place for the departed souls buried there.

Alex had a simple headstone which always looked clean but barren. I'm not sure why my parents picked it out because it didn't exemplify anything about the person Alex was. It was nothing more than a marker of his short existence on Earth.

I placed the letter I had written at the foot of his gravestone then I closed my eyes and listened to the light breeze blowing through the maple trees that surrounded the graveyard. After a moment, I realized that I wasn't crying. It was the first time I could remember thinking about Alex and not shedding a tear. And it was definitely the first time I had been to his grave and not broken down into a sobbing heap. Maybe Cameron was right. Maybe forgiving him was the final thing I needed to do to heal the loss.

I could see Cameron in the distance heading toward me. He was carrying something in his hands. As he got closer, I could see he had an origami crane.

He placed the paper crane on Alex's grave stone. "It's a symbol of peace," he explained. "And my counselor says origami is good for the soul."

Cameron sat down next to me on the ground.

"I wanted to show you something and I thought this would be a good place to do it," he said.

Since he wasn't carrying anything else I could see, I wondered what it was he wanted to show me.

He pulled up both the sleeves of his Henley and showed me the back of his wrists. On his left wrist, the one he cut, he had a tattoo over the scar. It was in the same script as my tattoos. The tattoo said _Fell to Pieces_ and had the date of Alex's death. On his right wrist he had _You and Only You_ and my date of birth.

"That's quite a gesture," I said trying to wrap my head around the enormity of what he had done.

"This is my promise to you that I won't do it again. I won't try to kill myself. I also want you to know that you saved me."

"You saved me, too," I assured him.

"Maybe we both saved each other," he said as be pulled me into his arms and we hugged each other beside Alex's grave.

As he tightened his embrace, I realized forgiveness had come at last and by forgiving ourselves and each other we were both facing a much brighter future.

# Letter to Alex

Dear Alex-

After you died, I felt completely and totally alone. I never once felt that way when you were alive. You were always my side-kick, my cuter and much funnier shadow. You could always make me laugh at the silliest things. I don't remember laughing as much since you died. It was as if my ability to laugh died and was buried with you.

Most days I feel like I'm swimming in a sea of despair. I know that's a cliché. Bad writing and all of that. You were always the creative one. I used to marvel at your ability to make up the funniest stories with just a word or even a simple gesture thrown at you. Because you were so funny and always made people laugh, I had no idea you were so sad inside. Does that make me a bad sister? That I didn't know? That I couldn't tell something was very wrong.

I feel like I let you down.

You said you felt like your life was ruined and that no one would ever respect you. I know you wondered if anyone would ever love you. I loved you but I know that's not the kind of love you so desperately wanted. You wondered if you'd ever find someone to love you enough to marry you. Or if you'd even be allowed to get married. You wondered why you were treated like a second class citizen.

You told me you thought about God a lot. You wondered if God existed and if so, how could he make you so different from everyone else and still claim to love you. And you wondered how God could have created people who showed so much hate towards you. But those people didn't even know you. They only hated you for what they thought you were. You were a lot of things—so many rich and wonderful things. You were gay but you were so much more.

I always wanted you to sing at my wedding. You had such a beautiful voice and knew how to perform. I wondered so many times if I'd ever get married. But after you died, I didn't think my heart would ever heal enough to love another person.

I wonder how you'd feel if I told you one day that I was getting married to Cameron Connelly. Would you feel betrayed? Would you be angry? Would you even want to be there? Part of me wonders if you would have eventually forgiven him. You had such a big heart. And you were filled with so much love and kindness. I have a feeling you would have been able to eventually find it in your heart to let go and free yourself of the pain. And a big part of that freedom would have come from forgiveness.

I will always love you, Alex.

Your sister, Dee Dee

# Resources

**Those They Left Behind: Interviews, Stories, Essays and Poems by Survivors of Suicide** : In this collection of interviews with survivors of suicide, individuals talk candidly and intimately about how their lives have been impacted by the suicide of a family member or close friend. Over 50 individuals were willing to share their personal tragedies as a way of helping others who face a similar loss, as well as educating the public about the issues survivors of suicide face. Their willingness to share their stories is a testament to their endurance and strength in the face of adversity.

**The Trevor Project:** A national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth.

**It Gets Better Project:** A place where young people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender can see they are not alone and that it does get better, if they can make it through their teen years.

# About the Author

Dakota Madison has been writing since she learned to read and fell in love with books. When she's not at her computer creating spicy new romances, Dakota is traveling to exotic locales or spending time with her husband and their bloodhounds.

If you love reading about Cameron and Dee Dee as much as I love writing about them, please consider leaving a positive review on Amazon.com.

I love hearing from readers. If you'd like to connect with me, please visit my blog or Facebook page.

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