Ha cha cha....
Oh, hey there :3
I'm holding this like a fucking steak.
Oh, the way I'm holding this. This is WRONG.
[PAUSE]
Hey, this is editing Fatuma from the future.
I am so sorry about the kind of audio you'll be subjected to
throughout this video due to my mishandling (said that weird lmao) of this microphone
I'm never gonna use it again, okay BYYYEEE
[UNPAUSE]
I have been wanting --
I have been wanting . . . to do this video . . . for months
But I didn't :3
I'm doing it now in honor of the recent video Bioware dropped for Dragon Age 4
Get excited . . .
It's fine . . . it'll probably be fine.
What's this about? Lemme tell ya.
Everyone knows that Bioware games, whether they are in space or with dragons . . .
. . . are basically known for the romances.
You know it, I know it.
The special save you have for the Fenris love scene knows it.
[COMMAND ME TO GO AND I SHALL]
Come on.
And I'm here to tell YOU
\_(ò_óˇ)
why Dragon Age 2 had the best romances of all three dragon games
And I'm right uwu
I'm only focusing on the Dragon Age games because the space game
(Mass Effect)
Are . . . different.
They have a different format where you play as the same character in all three games
Rather than different characters in the three games, as you in do in Dragon Age
Both have their flavors, but we're not talking about Mass Effect today.
We're talking about the dragon games
Let's talk about Origins, because the romances in that game are very middling . . .
. . . much like the actual game -- CALM DOWN
First up to bat is Alistair. Very basic, run of the mill straight boy.
Nothing wrong with a classic.
Although we intellectuals know that he's actually a Bisexual Dumbass™
I THINK I KNOW MY OWN KIND WHEN I SEE IT
Not much else to say. He's very sweet.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I romanced him exclusively (in Origins) and I KNOW there's not much else to say.
Moving on!
Next is Leliana! She's very cool.
A prime example of finding a hairstyle that works for you and just sticking with it.
For a decade! Good for her.
She's all like, "Oh, yeah, I love Magical Fantasy Jesus . . . "
". . . and I'm gonna stab a bunch of people in her name."
"But, also, you're really cute, what's up, where you goin ;))"
She appears in all three games and she's super shady through all of them.
She's lucky I'm into that.
She's also Very bisexual :DDD
Although, if you romance her as a guy, that's . . .
. . . very weird. That's a weird choice you've made.
I think she really only appeals to girls.
Anyway, she's great.
And now: Zevran! Very cool, very bi, love the guy.
Quick bars for you, there :O
He probably has the best backstory and arc in origins, but I'm not . . .
. . . committed to that opinion.
I might be wrong, I haven't played the games in a while.
He's the sexy brown man who's here to be ~exotic~ and Sex You Up
YEEEAHHH
And he's got . . . face tattoos.
There are issues here, yes. 
(somebody teach me how to close my eyes properly thanks)
Although, in spite of all that, his romance is actually really sweet.
And he learns how to be a good good boy.
And he nails you a TON, which ---
And then there's Morrigan, who is . . .
. . . allegedly straight??
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT ONE
We all know that she's a big goth lesbian, let's just accept that and move on.
There was a glitch in the code. That's okay! Fix it in the remaster!
She is an . . . acquired taste.
I've never really been interested in her at all.
But, most of that is probably because I'd have to play a guy to romance her, which I ain't doing.
But, also like . . .
ಠ~ಠ
Nah. I'm good.
So, what you might be able to guess from my very brief and low energy descriptions of these romances
is that . . . they're fine. They're okay.
They're not the worst. They're fine.
Like the game Origins
CALM DOWN
Y'know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna go ahead and skip past Dragon Age 2 AKA Best Girl
And jump right into Inquisition
Because I'd like to end this video on a high note. Just for a nice change.
Inquisition - Worst Girl - has the most companions
Which means the most romances
We've also got the first gay characters. We've got Sera and Dorian
who are female player exclusive and male player exclusive respectively
no matter how many homophobic mods you WEIRDOS make
And in spite of all these TREASURES, Inquisition has the absolute most trash-tier romances of all the games
They're so bad, but the game's bad, too, so. . .
Don't get me wrong, it's gorgeous. But it's garbage. It's gorgeous garbage.
Which, honestly???
Game recognize game
I SEE IT
Oh my god, I'm really gonna have to go through them one at a TIME
okay ಥ_ಥ
Blackwaaaaall
A heterosexual CHILD MURDERER
No I will NOT explain
He lies to you for most of your relationship and sleeps with you under that false identity!
Rape by deception is definitely a thing, but the fandom seems pretty iffy about it
On the one hand, he's going by a different name and title which he stole from a dead guy
But on the other, he isn't BEHAVING like a different person
He's using his regular personality and this stinky, woodcarver man is who he really is
But on a third hand . . . he killed kids.
Would you sleep with a guy who was upfront with you about having killed kids??
[couldn't be me]
Is this a late 2000s banger released by singer-songwriter Stephanie Joanne Angelina Jermanotta [hope i pronounced her name right fghjdfhj]
known professionally as Lady Gaga?
BECAUSEIT'SABADROMANCE
Next up: Cassandra
Another obvious lesbian
But Bioware would rather die than not let straight men fuck the butch girl, so . . . here we are
Although, she kinda sucks, so . . . I think it's probably better this way.
She's pretty much your classic 'mean strong rough and tumble woman who's super aggressive and kind of a dick'
But she's also a secret romantic and also straight somehow??
I am a little bit bitter, but she is very much the worst, so y'all can keep her
She's a standard hetero romance with nothing special
Probably would've been less basic had she been allowed to be the lesbian she truly is
But, as it stands . . .
A-NOTHANKYOU
Keep that fuckin . . . rat tail away from me
🤮
Cullen . . . okay . . .
FULL DISCLOSURE: I had . . .
. . . a pretty intense Cullen phase
I was super into him. For a while. I'm not proud of it.
I was a TEENAGER and I was SAD.
Wait, when did Inquisition come out?
OH SHIT I WAS 20
OH NOOOOOO
I was ABOUT to be 21
🤮🤮good GODDD🤮🤮
yOu kNOw WhaT SHUT UP
20 is basically 19 and 21 is nothing so just
ShUT uP aNd LEaVe mE aLONe
Back to Cullen, he is basically like Leliana in that he has been in all three games
And that is their only similarity
'Cause he sucks! :)
He got retconned pretty hard since Origins and his whole deal is pretty fucked up.
His arc is largely non-existent
And we don't get to call him out on the dumb, horrible shit he says
And he just gets to go around, being awful
And he never really changes, I don't think. Again, been a while
Also, Inquisition is my least-played game
I think I've only played it the whole way through but once
His story deals with addiction, which would've been interesting had it been handled better
And I think he might be the most popular romance?
Though I might be wrong.
His romance is boring. Just basic hetero crap with a little white Catholic boy
But we've all been there ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
You get to deflower him (no you don't oops)
Does that help? (hope not)
You also get to deflower Alistair (which is actually true) but it's SWEETER
It's BETTER and he's really nice about it idunno. . . .
Cringe culture is dead, but if you're still into Cullen in the year of our lord 2020 . . .
You're going to hell :(
OH YEAH and in Inqusition, you get be a dwarf, or a human, or an elf, or a Qunari
Those are the species
And you can only romance Cullen if you're a human woman or an elf woman
WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?
There's no reason to suggest that he would be fantasy racist, where'd that come from???
Maybe they ran out of time in development, I dunno, I didn't look into it
You want me to research things before I make wild claims???????
[I'LL DIE FIRST]
He's the only romance that's so intensely race-gated
Except for this other one, which we will get into LATER
I'M NOT READY.
Moving on. Dorian.
🎵LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE BOY🎵
Very likely the most popular of the male-romanceable men, although I think there are only two
And that's okay.
Not the fact that there aren't that many romances for guys that are guys. That sucks.
But it's okay that Dorian is the most popular. I like the guy. He cute.
He's all snarky and brown and he's got that basic kinda buff warrior male character model
Even though he's a mage and we all know mages are twinks (YOU CAN'T STIFLE ME YOU CAN'T STIFLE THE TRUTH)
I didn't really like his moustache at first, but then someone made a mod that got rid of it
And I didn't sleep that night, so the moustache is good.
Fun fact: I had a mad crush on the guy before I knew he was gay
And I still kinda do
love u bro 😘😘
His big story in the game, aside from the main story, involves him confronting his homophobic dad
Which is . . . boring
You'd think in this big, magical fantasy world we could have a gay character deal with something other than homophobia
BUT OKAY
His romance is fine, it's actually pretty sweet.
But I'm biased, I'm a sucker for pet names.
I am, however, not a fan of the Adoribull (Dorian/Iron Bull) pairing
Because it feels like sexual harrassment.
But that's just me, anyway, SPEAKING OF WHICH
I will say that the IDEA for Iron Bull was good
We've never had a Qunari companion like him and his design is pretty cool
The Qunari were a big part of Dragon Age 2 and were WAY cooler than Sten
Who was in Origins and he sucked
Because 1) Couldn't romance him
And 2) Another child killer, so why would you want to?
Not worth mentioning. To the TRASH with you, Sten
I SHOULD'VE HAD THE OPTION TO KILL YOU IN THE END
YA DICK
The sickass Qunari in Dragon Age 2 made it so heartbreaking that we didn't have a Qunari companion in that game
BUT then we got Iron Bull. And he's great.
He's okay.
He's fine.
Inquisition BUSTED IN like 'yooo here's a super-cool new Qunari companion'
'and he's voiced by Freddie Prinze Jr????'
DIOS MIO
He's a Large Boi™ and he's very fun and rowdy
And he's got a pretty decent character arc
With that sweet, sweet Found Family juice that we just LOVE
MMMMMMMMMMMM
He's also bi.
Sick.
He does have this weird sort of BDSM thing
Okay.
That was a choice . . . that they made
I could talk about how the Qunari are based on certain real-world demographics
And how out of all these characters in with all these different backgrounds, HE is the one with these sexual proclivities and kinks
I COULD talk about that . . .
But I won't.
His name is Iron Bull and he fucks. That's it.
Josephine Montili-YAY
I LOOOOVE this woman
I adore her. She's the BEST.
And I will kill ANYONE ---
However, her romance, which is very sweet and adorable in a traditional way
is short and unsatisfying.
She may have the least content, romantic or otherwise of any big-name Inquisition character.
Which isn't a great look for your only bisexual brown woman.
Y'all just hatin' 'cause she's hot.
Y'all MAD.
She came into the house and everybosy was like 'oh, pretty girl, let's hate on her.'
Technically she's not a companion, because she's an adviser, she doesn't fight with you or anything
But, I mean, Cullen's an adviser, too, and he's basically useless.
My girl, Josie, does DIPLOMACY
ok?????
Finessin' the GAME
FUCK YOU CULLEN
Disrespect my girl again, see what happens
👊🏾👊🏾👊🏾👊🏾👊🏾👊🏾
🎶Sera was never given a chance by the writers🎶
Sera. Our other big gay in the game.
Just a big ol' funky lesbian. Do people still say that?
She, as a character, would've been a lot better had the writers not just fucking hated her.
Like, straight up despised her, what was that?
They treated her SO badly and by extention made US treat her badly through the dialogue options.
She's a little rough around the edges, but she's got a good heart!!
SHE GIVES YOU COOKIES >:(
She approves when you're a girl flirting with another girl
SHE'S AIGHT!!!
Her arc is . . . god I don't even know . . .
Cookies were involved.
She could get with Dagna.
That's nice.
She's got a little diary where she writes cute things.
She's like a little Robin Hood lady, THAT'S COOL.
There's nothing WRONG with her.
Y'all just MEAN :(((
And . . . finally.
This motherfucker.
This pasty bitchass motherfucker I fuckin HATE---
So, here's the other character who - like Cullen - is race-gated.
Yeah, you can only romance him as a female elf, but with him it at least kinda makes sense.
He's a dick.
He's very obviously a fantasy racist
And he talks shit about you if you're anything other than an elf.
Actually, he talks shit about you even when you ARE an elf, so like . . .
What do you want???
He's also a liar and a manipulator and a god I GUESS
He's just a messy bitch.
He makes out with you a couple of times.
He touches your butt.
Then he leaves.
The JERK, how you gon touch a bitch's butt
THEN LEAVE
This Nosferatu lookin ass motherfucker is a pretentious bitch
and if you romanced him in your first playthrough, you have my condolences
Just because y'all have bad taste, doesn't mean you deserve to be treated like that.
It's messed up.
Just go to Blackwall. He's a murderer, but you're clearly into that
So GON HEAD
Okay, so those are all the smoochable characters in Inquisition
Aside from Harding. I don't wanna talk about it ;___;
You may be thinking
~oh what that wasn't THAT bad, certainly not the WORST~
Well, you'd be wrong.
The way these romances and these characters play into the overall plot of the game
. . . is that they don't.
The companions don't even seem to like each other, nor are you under the impression
that your team is even a team.
They only really matter when it directly relates to YOU
And if they leave because you were super mean to them
it's like they were never there. It doesn't matter.
You can end the game with two people.
IT DOESN'T MATTER
None of the Inquisition companions do their own stuff, they're just there.
They don't have their own stuff going on, everything they do depends on you, the player.
Which is terrible AND is a huge step back from the game that came before it:
🎉👏🏾🎉👏🏾🎉DRAGON AGE 2🎉👏🏾🎉👏🏾🎉
WOOOOOO YES 💃🏾💃🏾💃🏾💃🏾
😩👌👌👌
SO, in ❤️Dragon Age 2❤️, we have 4 romanceable companions
5 if you count DLC, but I don't.
Sebastian doesn't even fuck. He doesn't count.
[BOOING]
And all 4 🥰Dragon Age 2🥰 romances are . . .
BISEXUAL
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾YES BABY GIVE IT UP FOR THE DA2 BI CREEEW 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
2 of these romances are crucial to the story, or at least, their introductions are:
Merrill and Anders
All you really have to do is meet them, and the rest of the stuff is pretty optional.
It kind of counts for your story, but they come up in the end and that's it.
That's the great thing about these characters: They don't need you
You can refuse to do certain quests or tasks for them and they'll just go on ahead without you
They have their own stories and arcs happening in the background that you can join if you want.
But they happen REGARDLESS of you.
Some of the stories, if you don't join them, involve them having to leave the team, but not all of them.
Things are just happening in the seven year timeline that's more than both Origins and Inquisition
and that's such a long time split up into three ACTS*, that you can actually believe that this group of idiots became friends.
Or at least some of them did.
Others act like they met yesterday, and I'm electing to ignore it.
Otherwise, the character interactions are great
and it's nice to have a group of people who, by the end of the game, have known each other for years.
Which is something that would've been more obvious in the writing
if the team behind the game had more time to develop it.
whattaya gonna do 😬
Still a good game, I love a nice isolated story 😃😃
I should mention that DA2 has a "rival" mechanic with regards to the romances
WHICH IS A GREAT IDEA IN THEORY
It's a friendship romance and a rival romance and they differ in certain ways
not in every way, you can still make out with them if you're rivals.
And that's cool.
I like the idea, it's a really nice opportunity to explore different kinds and flavors of romance
And you know we all love a well-executed Enemies to Lovers.
But . . . er . . .
The way the "Rivalmances" work are more like Reylo than Ben and Leslie if you know what I mean.
When I say that, I wanna be clear that I don't think Rey and Kylo Ren are a couple (partly bcs he's fuckin dead LMAOOO)
or romantic in any way. I think it's sad and gross.
Like, it's not people who disagree intensely at the beginning, mostly because they don't know each other
but from extended contact, they come to grow, and respect, and then like, and then love each other.
It's more like people who are on opposite sides of an issue and say and do horrible things to each other
but they kiss so it's fine I guess???
It was an idea with a lot of potential, but they didn't stick the landing.
But, again, they didn't have a whole lot of time soooooooooooooooo
GOOD TRYYYYY
Okay, now let's BREAK IT DOWN.
Alphabetically.
Anders, okay.
Look . . .
[can u tell im not a fan ghfjdkjfg]
He's okay.
He clearly adores you, and he's committed to you, and he doesn't let his relationship get in the way of his mission.
I mean, you gotta love a guy who sticks to his goals.
Even if it is terrorism.
I mean, he was right, though :\\\
He's a little intense and he's kind of a "Nice Guy"
because apparently, even if you don't romance him, he's still super into you.
[eewwww]
And he talks shit about your current significant other right in front of them.
Which isn't great. Not a good friend.
But he's still in the top ten most popular Bioware romances.
Just gonna pull that claim right outta my ass. I'm comfortable with that.
[chanting] FENRIS FENRIS FENRIS
[sighs]
What a guy ♥‿♥
He's great. He's SO great.
He's got his issues. But he's great.
And HOT ooh
He's pretty much top-shelf, he's a TOP-TIER romance.
I'm pretty sure I romanced him the most out of all three games.
Including Mass Effect, actually.
I gravitate to him, I'm running around Mass Effect like
wHEre'S FeNrIs 🥺🥺🥺🥺
I can't even get my head together enough to talk about why I love him
I JUST THINK HE'S SOOO GREAT
Let's move on ༼ つ ಥ_ಥ ༽つ
Fifth_Harmony_Thats_My_Girl.Mp3
[Isabela] is neck and neck with Fenris in the amount of times I've picked her.
She's not treated especially well by the writers
Just your standard Sexy Black Woman Who's Sassy and Sexy and Has Sex with Everybody
And she doesn't wear pants!
But y'know what, she's a lot more than that in the game.
I THINK SO.
And she has a lot of love to give in spite of her really complex past
and her issues and she's really loyal and when she loves you, SHE LOVES YOU
BRO. OKAY??
Like, bruuuuuuuhhh
Oh my god, WIFE MATERIAL, I love her so much.
I'm gonna wife that bitch up.
👰🏾I'M DONE👰🏾
Merrill!
Yeah.
Okay, tell you the truth, I never romanced Merrill.
She always seemed super young to me.
I don't know. It's just her behavior and also how other people treat her.
She's treated like a kid, so I don't really ---
What's going on here???
Is she . . . a kid?? Is she even . . .
. . . a grownup?? What's happening????
I have no idea how old she is, but I ASSUME she's an adult. Unless . . .
Bioware's out here promoting pedophilia, which----
[IM NOT SAYING THEY ARE DONT SUE MEEEEEE]
Hold on.
Anyway, she's super smart and nice and hardworking.
Good person, very cool, sweet kid. Love her.
Wouldn't hit it.
And that's all of them!
Aren't they cuuuuuuute (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ
I realize that I've given very few logical reasons as to why I think Dragon Age 2 has the best romances
But y'know what? Sometimes it's not about logic.
It's about what's in HERE.
Yeah, this is my left, for sure.
AND THAT'S ALL IT TAKES, MAN.
Fuck it, I like Dragon Age 2.
WHAT (ง'̀-'́)ง
I'm gonna put my intentions and my feelings out into the universe
for what I want in the Dragon Age 4 romances.
I want more women.
I want them gay.
I want them to kiss me 😚😚
That's it.
I want a butch lady character to be gay.
I'll take bi. Same thing.
I'm sick of Aveline, I'm sick of Cassandra ---
You know what, Aveline is actually arguably bi. We don't know.
She doesn't like any Hawke. So, she could be bi and we're just annoying.
If I'm gonna get a dude, he has to be a himbo. He has to be stupid and respectful and kind.
I WANT ANOTHER ALISTAIR.
If Varric's coming back . . .
. . . maaaaybe I want him to be romanceable only because I haven't GOTTEN to have him for so long
I don't know . . . I don't think I do because his personal mission in Inquisition was really pathetic.
He was thirsting after a married woman who was honestly kind of a bitch.
I didn't like her. I liked her Saints Row voice, but I didn't like her as a person.
You're breaking my boy's heart >:(
And, yeah, he's a dumbass.
BUT HE'S MY DUMBASS.
I want a gay girl and I want a nice boy
And I want Varric . . . ??
I want the OPTION for Varric. I just want the option.
STOP LOCKING HIM AWAY.
Also, I guess we can kill Solas, hopefully.
LET'S GO.
[god it took 2 days to make captions for this monster video i rly need to not talk so much why am i like this it's like yakyakyak get to the point sis im begging u]
[she's beauty she's grace she needs a better phone case]
