

### T is for Time

by

### Paul Vayro

### Smashwords Edition

### *****

Published by: Paul Vayro on Smashwords

T is for Time

Copyright 2011 Paul Vayro

Smashwords Edition Licence Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

For Nora, Sheila and John; and for everyone who knows the moon isn't made

of cheese, but likes to think it is because it makes life that little bit more

interesting.

Contents

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Six

Seven

Eight

Nine

Ten

Eleven

Twelve

Thirteen

Fourteen

Fifteen

Sixteen

Seventeen

Eighteen

Nineteen

Twenty

Twenty One

Twenty Two

Twenty Three

Twenty Four

Twenty Five

Twenty Six

Twenty Seven

Twenty Eight

Twenty Nine

Thirty

Thirty One

Thirty Two

Thirty Three

Thirty Four

Thirty Five

Thirty Six

Thirty Seven

Thirty Eight

Thirty Nine

Forty

Forty One

Forty Two

Forty Three

Forty Four

Forty Five

### Chapter One

Brick rolled over in his sleep and proceeded to drown. Being such an unlikely sequence of events the subconscious doubled checked all the senses before reacting, it didn't wish to repeat the motorway fiasco of last summer. With the peril confirmed, the relevant muscles were tensed to lift Brick's spluttering body clear of immediate danger. The commotion was enough to stir the conscious mind in to resuming control. It wondered what all the fuss was about. As far as it was concerned they were on the way to the bar amidst a thoroughly enjoyable night out.

It wasn't the first time the mid twenties misfit had awoken amidst such confusion, and he knew exactly how to deal with it: he kept his eyes firmly closed and denied it was happening. As far as he was concerned he'd made it home to bed after being the entertaining life and soul of the evening, nobody had been offended by his antics and there would be no official charges forthcoming; however the evidence against such an outcome was difficult to ignore: the sound of running water occupied his left ear, the right contended with the ambience of many people walking in sullen silence. Brick's stubborn mindset saw it as further evidence for being in bed, although it wouldn't be pushed on how it came to such a conclusion.

Whatever the truth, he had to accept the night out was over, but had no idea how, why, or where it had ended. This wasn't good. Inappropriate behaviour followed Brick's memory lapses like a sequel follows a box office hit.

Brick was a man of principle and routine, and always gave his mind and body ample opportunity to doze back off after waking. When it came to sleep, he opted for democracy over a dictatorship. The decision would oft be influenced by the severity of the hangovers he regularly faced, but for now the familiar sense of nausea and empty agony stood back and waited. It could see he had enough to deal with without its hindrance, even if the man himself was still unaware of the full situation he was in.

Time passed, but Brick's eyes remained firmly shut. Despite clearly being waist deep in water he was convinced he may still nod off. It was only when his arms went numb, and the shivering threatened to rupture several internal organs, did he relent and lift one eyelid. The sight that met him had both open immediately.

The plan for the evening had been simple: drink, dance, speak to women in a mature manner, get food, walk home, pass out on the sofa, and crawl to bed riddled with regret. At no point did anyone discuss sleeping in a fountain!

With a large dose of confusion, Brick scrambled from the overly ornate water feature, not a gracefully accomplished feat with numb arms, and proceeded to greet the morning commuters as they wandered past. They could only offer an overwhelming sense of not wanting to be there in return. It was an aura they combined with an expression that yearned for an extra hour in bed. Most didn't even offer this social pittance and completely ignored him. They were either scared of becoming involved in whatever predicament he was in or just plain disbelieving of what they saw. Brick tutted his disappointment at such a reaction, then straightened his clothes and stood proudly. Wiggling the top of his T-shirt, as though it were missing a tie, he began the short stroll to the bus stop, delving back in to his memory for any clues as to how he'd come to find rest in the centre of Puddleton.

Puddleton was a moderately sized town that acted like a city in the hope everyone would believe it was one. Brick Wall was a resident and regular visitor to its many alcohol serving premises. He would almost always be accompanied by his similarly aged and long standing friend and housemate, Spiritwind. Thrown together by circumstance, a common love of sitting and throwaway philosophy had maintained their bond. Brick believed their unusual names brought them closer; Spiritwind couldn't be bothered to argue.

Spiritwind's parents had despised their surname, Jones, and its dull nature. When their first son arrived they were determined to counter such normality and saddled him with the moniker, Spiritwind Capernicus Jones. Brick's parents had a misplaced sense of humour, and when Mr and Mrs Wall had a child they couldn't resist the temptation to name him Brick. The joy they had anticipated it bringing never surfaced, replaced instead by their son's cynicism and sense of injustice in the world.

Brick continued on his journey to the bus stop, all the time perusing the blank space where the memories of the previous night should have been. The occasional moment flashed by, teasing him with answers he didn't ask for and would rather not have known. The more useful recollections flitted past, although assigning concentration merely weakened their clarity. Experience had taught Brick that focusing on drunken memories only scares them away, often never to return; however a casual glance from the corner of the inner eye could catch them unaware and leave them open to observation.

Brick's eyes roamed his face as he walked, watching his thoughts with feigned ambivalence as the previous night continued to appear in short, non sequential bursts: the flashing lights of a club, sitting on a kerb, on the floor looking up at a statue, a disappointed looking girl, stood on top of a statue, stranger's faces, chips being spilt....The show reel paused as Brick's focus turned to the bus stop he'd arrived at. The collective interest of the transport hut had equally found a new source of intrigue.

Those already in the queue shuffled nervously, ignorance of the dripping mess their only defence. Brick could see a gap on the bench that was incorporated into the shelter, and assessed his size in relation to it. He was generally accepted as tall. His build edged past lanky but not in to big. He'd once been described as long, and although he didn't know entirely what it meant it seemed to fit him well. His defining feature was his hair; it had an un-nerving ability to look good without any effort or styling, a comforting quirk for a man who never intended on doing either. Brick felt confident his slender frame would fit and filled the space left on the seat, much to the disappointment of the people sat there. They ignored him with extra determination as social punishment, refusing to either acknowledge or reciprocate his attempt at an appeasing smile. Brick sneered as though everyone else was the odd one out.

After a few awkward minutes, Brick attempted to break the tension and opened his mouth, only to close it as he remembered he may have some money left. Standing, to see how reliable the information was, he dipped into his right pocket, retrieving a ball of something paper based from within. It was either the remnants of last night's float or the note he'd written to remind him not to get too drunk. As the corner peeled back it revealed a judgemental eye beneath a crown. Brick had never been so pleased to face royal scorn.

The man to Brick's left had been successfully blanking the human puddle and the endless streams he created. The morning commuter wanted desperately to bury his head in his newspaper so he could ignore the situation in a socially acceptable manner, but Brick had inadvertently sat on it. The man's heart sank further as Brick spoke.

"Could I possibly trouble you for a lighter?" Brick had a plan to make his tender more acceptable.

"Of course." The man placed all annoyance to one side in order to maintain the sense of politeness he believed society needed to function. Struggling to retrieve the lighter from his pocket, panic took hold. He wanted the encounter over with before Brick could engage him in further conversation. It popped loose, along with several pence in change. "Here it is. It's here. I've found it." The sense of relief expressed itself as words.

"Alright, it's only a lighter." Brick took the lighter and somehow the moral high ground with it. How the man on his way to work had ended up as the social misfit was never fully explained to him.

Silence fell on the bus stop once more as Brick began the drying process.

After five minutes the people at the bus stop had begun sharing looks of disapproval. Brick was oblivious as he dozed where he sat, the flame still flickering across his bus fare home. As the strip of metal on the lighter increased in temperature, so did Brick's thumb, until the pain startled him back to consciousness with a yelp! The other passengers returned to oblivious ignorance as Brick instinctively inspected the cash. Aside from a slightly singed brow the Queen was still in tact. Rubbing the smouldering tender he was pleased to see his bus arrive, a pleasure shared by the other occupants of the shelter. Standing, the newspaper still at one with his pants, Brick suddenly realised the driver may not be as pleased with his offer of payment.

The doors slid open to reveal a beaming face in charge of the bus, clearly a morning person. Brick knew instantly they had nothing in common.

"Is it raining outside?" The driver waited for Brick to join in the joke. The soaked one could only look around bemused. Glancing down at the note, he thought of a way to pass it off unquestioned.

"You're surrounded by windows. It's practically impossible for you to be unaware of the world beyond this bus and yet you need to ask me what the weather's like." An open mouth was the only response, allowing Brick to continue. "The door is a foot behind me and wide open. You can clearly see it is not raining."

"It's a joke, 'innit, because you're wet and that." Where was the mutual laughter the driver had been counting on?

"So because I'm wet it's alright to mock me? Do you not think it's hard enough, walking through the centre of town, confused as to why you're here and soaking wet, without people pointing and making feeble jokes about your predicament?"

"I didn't really think about it like that. I just thought it'd be a funny thing to say." The driver took off his smile and replaced it with thoughtful concern.

"Liar. You didn't think at all."

"Don't be like that about it."

"Life is hard enough, Mr Bus driver, without the cruel taunts of our fellow man. Just take my money and offer me the pleasure of a seat." Brick threw the note in to the tray and stared down, dropping his shoulders along with his face. The driver looked at the note, then back towards the vertical reservoir. Brick offered a sigh and an extra shrug as he could see the beginnings of a challenge. The driver reconsidered his challenge and handed over the relevant change. Brick squelched his way upstairs with a sense of satisfaction to accompany the short journey home.

**********

"Is it raining upstairs?" The bus driver tried his joke for a second time as Brick prepared to leave the vehicle.

"You really have no concept of humour do you?"

"I have an admirable sense of humour. My wife told me. And I've read about it. Repetition is a major source of humour. All the good comedians use it."

"I agree, but we've already established that your 'humour' was actually an insult; so all you've done, is insult me twice." Brick didn't add any physical dramatics to his words this time. He could see his house through the window and yearned for the bed he knew sat inside.

"Insults are funny too. There was an 'ole chapter on 'em."

"Only when both parties are comfortable with each other and are aware there's no intent behind it. Otherwise it's just cruel." Brick stepped off the bus, watching the driver run thoughts across his face while pulling away.

The departure of the vehicle revealed Brick's house in all its glory: a simple quasi terrace in a row of many, complete with straggled front garden and imposing door from the days when it had been new and proud.

In truth the outside was of no interest to anyone, but inside were all the accessories Brick needed to achieve comfort beyond expression. He crossed the road, hoping Spiritwind was still asleep. He could gladly go without his friend's mockery on top of the morning he was having.

Brick pushed the front door open quietly. The tortoise shell glass that made up the top half had revealed the hallway to be empty. If he could make it to the stairs and to his room he could pretend he'd been in bed all night. The plan collapsed almost instantly as his friend appeared.

"Howdo." Spiritwind used the hallway in its going to the kitchen capacity.

"I'm fine me mate. No problems here whatsoever." Brick tried to rush for the stairs. Perhaps he could pretend he'd just got back from a morning jog.

"You slept in the fountain then?" The sound of ongoing cooking intermingled with Spiritwind's words.

"Needed a run you see.....Hold on. How do you know where I slept? I only found out half an hour ago." Brick abandoned the stairs and proceeded to the kitchen.

"So you did sleep in the fountain?" Spiritwind peered round the kitchen door with a spatula in hand. His movements suggested the hobs had completed their duties and were being extinguished.

"I never actually admitted where I slept." Maybe it could be salvaged.

"But it was the fountain." Brick stood in the doorway as Spiritwind filled several bowls with the various components of a full English breakfast.

Spiritwind ate. It could be considered his hobby. Not that his body reflected the fact. Spiritwind fell in to the average category for every physical measure of description. Unfortunately for him the average height of a man is smaller than many people realise, leaving him often described as short. His only other distinguishable feature was his bald head, something he claimed to control with the power of his mind to save money on haircuts.

"If it was the fountain, and I'm in no way confirming it was, how would you suspect I ended up there?" Brick continued to query as Spiritwind downed a sausage while filling the final dish. Placing all six bowls on a tray, the amateur chef headed back to the living room. Spiritwind couldn't help but smile as he walked past his friend, who stood in an increasingly large puddle. Brick followed whilst negotiating. "I realise this is a great opportunity to wind me up, and given the same opportunity I couldn't promise not to take advantage, but I'm cold, wet, and very confused, and I just wish to shower with some answers."

Spiritwind accepted Brick's plea and offered him a sausage. Brick took any heat he could get and awaited the information he desired so badly. He remained standing in the corner of the living room, juggling the pork based snack that was too hot to hold.

"You told everyone you were off to sleep in a fountain because that is the only truly manly method of rest. You then proceeded to call each of us very soft and very girly for going home to our comfortable existences. You started going on about it being a demonstration of everything that's wrong with society or something. I was gone before you finished the sentence."

"Oh. Why do you think I really decided to sleep in a fountain?" Brick continued chasing the meat cylinder from hand to hand.

"No idea. I asked you twice if you were sure."

"What did I say?"

"You said you were a man of principle and the lines had been drawn. I had to choose my place in the world: fountain or bed." Spiritwind popped the last sausage in his mouth.

"You made the right choice. Fountains are nothing like water beds." Brick turned to leave the room.

"I knew that was a flawed theory." Spiritwind allowed Brick to take a step into the hallway before teasing him further details. "Although you may have been doing it to impress the girls we met."

"We met girls?" Brick turned back round, his voice losing all sense of pitch. It settled on deepness for the next part of his question. "Did we, impress them?"

"They didn't hang around long enough for me to ask." Spiritwind felt his breakfast was missing something.

"Ah well. Another fish slips through the net of life. Poor fish, I say. Right I'm off for a shower and a change of clothes."

"I'll wait before commencing any further cooking then." Spiritwind relaxed the muscles that had been preparing to stand up.

"Probably best." Brick disappeared and headed upstairs.

A curious chain of events had emerged from Brick's past shower experiences: whenever he came to clean the lower half of his left leg the temperature would invariably plummet from summer meadow to Arctic winter. Believing it to be a simple timing issue, Brick changed the order he cleaned his body, all to no avail. Any attempt to clean the lower left leg still resulted in a shocking burst of cold water. Choosing to ignore the problem had left Brick with no coping strategy, which meant every time it happened was as surprising as the first. This led to him jumping backwards in horror, ripping the shower curtain down on the way, and flapping around on the floor struggling to break free from the figure hugging material that now imprisoned him. Knowing exactly what was going on would amuse Spiritwind no end, once nearly choking him on a particularly tasty sausage roll; hence whenever Brick takes a shower, Spiritwind is aware to avoid food.

Contents

### Chapter Two

Zarg lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He was pondering the new life that lay ahead of him on Earth. He'd seen the planet on numerous films back home, but this would be the first time he'd visited one. It would also be the first time his race, the Jefferians, had attempted to take one over.

Zarg's mother, Doreen, had always held the Earth in her affections. She had long been a fan of its 1950's science fiction movies. She found the accuracy of their portrayal of aliens as three foot high green creatures with antennae, pot bellies, and horn like noses, unnerving. A school girl crush she held for one particular character had left her in no doubt as to the name of her first born: Zarg; however the decision had left her son facing a number of name related problems as life unfolded.

The teasing at school he expected. If it hadn't been for his name it would have been something else. The real issue that plagued him, and some would say added an element of bitterness to his personality, was the fact the alphabet is so often used as a supposedly fair means of distribution. He'd spent half his life waiting for the Adam's and Agatha's of the world to choose what they wanted before he even got a look in, but things were different now; he was fourteen and practically a man. No more would people tell him what to do and when. It was time the universe realised he was more than a name and his rightful place was at the front of the queue! It was exactly this attitude that had got him sent to his room.

Bored of the ceiling, Zarg flicked through his notes on the history of the Earth. He'd read them numerous times. His mother's passion for the planet had rubbed off. Not that he'd ever admit to having anything in common with someone who clearly hated him so much and wished to ruin his life. He read on, slightly annoyed but not entirely sure why.

The original Earth had been a humble planet in an up and coming area of the universe. Known only for its extensive swimming facilities, and glorious golf courses, it remained a grade two planet and thus exempt from universal law: grade two being any world that realises life must be out there but not yet in meaningful contact with it. This left the quiet planet exempt from the ongoing debate over language.

Aware that communication is the key to harmony, the great minds of the wider ethos had asked if having several languages per planet was such a good idea. How can any global society hope to flourish when one nation is unable to ask another to pass the salt? Taking the question to the highest courts in the universe the discussions continued, mainly over extortionately priced lunches that were entirely tax deductible, and a new law was eventually passed. It declared that any world that came under universal jurisdiction, that being grade three and above, would only be permitted one language.

The lawyers, whose responsibility it had been to implement the law, were exhausted once the job was done; and rewarded themselves with an all inclusive golfing holiday on Earth. Pitching and putting their way across Europe and into China, they were horrified as they stumbled across language after language, each mocking their efforts more than the last. Unsure how to even begin sorting such a mess, three languages had been the previous maximum encountered on one planet, the lawyers returned to their superiors with a tale to tell. After several high level lunches, and an emergency dinner, a sub section to the language law was passed: It declared the Earth off limits to any outside attempts at communication, even on its birthday. Were it ever to achieve grade three status, i.e. any planet in meaningful contact with at least one other, it would come under the universe's jurisdiction and be forced to use only one language. The admin required for such a task would need a planet to house it, and the cost of lawyers overtime would bankrupt several galaxies. The story however did not end there.

News of the Earth's abundance of languages soon spread across the universe, attracting interest from all quarters. Although everybody was ultimately driven by curiosity, the scientists, wishing to name a law or principle after themselves, claimed theirs to be more worthy and pushed to the front of the queue. Once there they measured, observed, and pondered every angle, searching for the infamy their great discovery would bring; however when it did come it wasn't from the mind of the dedicated brains that yearned for it so desperately.

'The Unexpected Law of Language Distribution' was the brainwave of Samuel Unexpected, a maths teacher from a neighbouring galaxy. It states that the Earth not only contains every form of communication in the universe, but that it does so in their exact proportion. Furthermore, the relationship is dynamic and reflects the universe's language distribution at all times e.g. should a French speaking planet conquer an Italian, a group of Italians on Earth will take up a French speaking class.

The man behind the theory, Samuel Unexpected, had never intended to create a law, much to the displeasure of the serious scientists who had dedicated their lives to the problem. Scientists, as a group, were growing increasingly tired of all the great discoveries being made by amateurs and had been wondering if violence wasn't an intelligent solution after all. Samuel had had no desire to steal anyone's thunder. The only reason he even mentioned the idea was to break the ice with a highly attractive physicist. He thought it would be a good joke and starting point for a general chat. Failing to see the humour, she took his comment seriously and went straight home to work on the relevant sums. He was as amazed as her when she turned up the next day to tell him his theory was correct. The attractive physicist fell instantly in love with Samuel's brilliant mind and they married two days later. After three weeks he found her lack of humour to be something of an issue, fortunately she'd realised there was no brilliant mind after eight hours and had already left.

With the Earth confirmed as a dynamic, linguistic map of the universe, its popularity soared, replacing Eric Wazinski and his singing table on the front page of 'Things to See as Soon as You Get Chance'. Within months it became the number one holiday destination, and crowds flocked to hover above its surface and observe the multi-lingual folk below. It didn't take long for the marketing men to realise such an oddity could buy them more hair products than they had follicles, and they descended with a smile and a four point presentation on buzz words and maximisation strategies.

Over time, as with all planets, the life that had flourished slowly dwindled, until the Earth evolved back in to a lifeless rock floating through space. With so much money left to be made from the Earth brand, it wasn't long before one enterprising soul saw a way to keep the cash rolling in. Buying the rights to the Earth franchise, he offered to re-run the entire cycle of its life on any suitably sized rock a designated distance from a sun. The owner would gain an idyllic home, with an inbuilt revenue from tourism, and the universe regained one of its most iconic attractions, only now in infinitely more locations.

Zarg and his fellow Jefferians didn't own a suitably sized rock a designated distance from a sun, but they knew of an Earth franchise that appeared ripe for taking over. Why pay an obscene amount of money for something that can be taken for free, with a little ingenuity? Zarg cackled to himself mischievously as he came to the end of his notes, rubbing his hands together for added effect before realising he was alone and there was no need to express his internal thoughts to the outside world. Powered by an oncoming huff, he decided to lie on his bed and sulk until the universe became a fairer place.

Contents

### Chapter Three

Brick entered the living room, dry and ready for rest. A sleepy haze had descended across his body, craving the comfort and safety of familiarity. He'd dressed for the occasion, wearing all his favourite lounging clothes. Everything was bigger than necessary, from his best curling up jumper to his oversized socks. He shuffled into the room, focusing firmly on the armchair he considered a close friend. He'd been imagining its welcoming embrace since the first shiver in the fountain that morning.

He waited an extra moment to ensure he fully appreciated what was about to come; then stepped majestically across the arm in to a fully upright position. Allowing his knees to bend he controlled his falling weight, folding his limbs beneath him as they planted themselves in various waiting indentations. Brick released a sigh of immeasurable pleasure in response to finally being settled.

Spiritwind had been observing the entire charade from the sofa, timing his next comment to inflict optimum annoyance on his friend.

"Pass us that glass." Brick ignored the request. His comfort had reached a level that would be criminal to disturb.

"I will continue to ask until I receive a response." Spiritwind popped a nugget of something deep fried and meat based into his mouth.

"Sorry. I didn't hear you. I was far too comfy." Brick remained still except for his lips.

"I asked if you'd pass me that glass at the foot of your chair."

"I feel I must refer you to the rules on states of ultimate comfort; you know fine well it's illegal to disturb such a position." Brick quoted from the pair's self made bible.

"Okay then." Spiritwind continued to dip his fried delicacy and stare at the television. Brick's expected comfort eluded him as his mind wondered about Spiritwind's intentions for the glass.

"Do you not want the glass then?" Brick tilted his head. The knock on effect saw his arm shift and his hips shuffle in an attempt to compensate.

"What makes you think I wanted the glass?"

"The fact you asked me for it." The logic was watertight.

"I wanted to disturb you. How I did that was irrelevant." Spiritwind scraped his dip bowl with smugness.

"That's a bit harsh." Brick had no choice but to lift his body onto its elbow. He continued to wrestle to restore his previous comfort.

"But funny. Don't forget funny."

"Not from where I'm sitting. Which I must stress is now decidedly less comfortable." Brick continued to twist and turn. It was no good, the comfort had gone and chasing it only pushed it further away. He abandoned his foetal position and started again, sitting in a textbook chair posture and folding his arms in a huff. Maybe he could entice it back with nonchalance. Spiritwind verbally poked his friend further.

"If you're no longer in a state of ultimate comfort do you think you could pass me that glass?" Spiritwind hid his smirk behind his dip bowl.

"One day my friend my life anger will boil over. The resulting actions will be spoken of in hushed voices to ears that cannot believe such ferocity exists. I tell you this because I expect you to be standing very nearby when it happens."

"Is that day today?"

"No. I'm too tired to be angry." Brick gave up on nonchalance and faced the problem. Running a number of back up positions through his mind he settled on the good old slouch. Anchoring his feet on the floor he prepared to slide towards them. His efforts were interrupted by a thump from next door followed by a bold sounding apology. "What are those two up to now?"

"No idea. They were in the garden earlier jumping around a frame they'd built out of old drainpipes. I offered them a bacon baguette each. Said they deserved something tasty for all that early morning effort. They said something about calories and the smell of humanity's security being reward enough. To be honest I've never smelt humanity's security, but if it's better than bacon I want it on a butty."

"There's definitely something wrong with them. No ability to sit still, a much under valued quality." Brick demonstrated the art of stillness to perfection as he settled in to his new position. "Never trust a man who can't sit still, especially when he hangs around with someone else of a similar mental hindrance." Brick tested how much comfier life was with his eyes closed. The answer was difficult to quantify without sounding like an over-exaggeration.

There was indeed something curious about Brick and Spiritwind's neighbours, Rick and Biritvind. The pair trained without explanation or purpose for eighteen hours a day: fighting styles, gymnastics, electronics, gadget building, weapon construction and numerous other activities that defied sense or labelling. Perhaps the only thing more curious than their behaviour was the explanation behind it.

Rick and Biritvind were an essential part of the Earth franchise program. They were the inbuilt defence system devised by the designers to protect the planet from anyone wishing to seize control. Studies had shown armies to be ineffective when thwarting alien invasions, and so the Earth franchise company offered something different: two men trained for any situation that reared its head. Once activated the duo were programmed to search out other strays and survivors and form a small, cohesive group of bickering personalities, preferably with a fiery female one of the duo could slowly fall in love with. Such a unit stood an infinitely greater chance of victory than thousands of heavily armed men attacking each other.

Their existence was unbeknown to anybody outside of the company, Rick and Biritvind included. All they knew was something inside drove them to train for a time that may never come, a time that would right all that is wrong.

Brick and Spiritwind lacked such an inner drive, leaving conversation between the houses limited to pleasantries and bold statements of virtue and defiance.

Brick had no sooner finished his sentence than he began the deepest of sleeps. Involuntary twitches became his only message to the watching world. Spiritwind responded with restlessness. He'd flicked through every channel on the television numerous times and all he'd achieved was a sore thumb and slight rise in frustration. He'd often been told he was easily amused, yet as he sat looking around the room he failed to see the truth in such a statement.

A full ten minutes passed without even a hint of amusement for Spiritwind. Curiosity had reared its head only to be satisfied swiftly, leaving pondering to take over. It focused on the fundamental differences between pondering and curiosity. It decided curiosity was the more motivated of the two. It had a sense of drive behind it to find out the answer. Pondering was merely happy to be out and about doing something. Spiritwind decided he preferred the stress free nature of pondering and chose to continue; only now he couldn't remember what he'd been pondering. Curiosity seized its chance and began probing for answers about what he'd been thinking. Spiritwind side stepped the whole issue and decided waking his open mouthed housemate would be the easiest and greatest source of amusement to hand, and he knew the perfect way to do it: an impromptu game of Yoghurt Bucket.

Contents

### Chapter Four

Fate sat in the café he regularly frequented, gazing through the window at Puddleton and its people. He'd often sit and allow his mind to ponder humanity and its curious ways, usually whilst nibbling something that contravened several health regulations, and sipping a hot beverage. He'd been living on the Earth for countless generations yet he never tired of the subtleties and complexities of human routine and communication, especially those that surrounded eating. Today however wasn't about his usual musings, today he had to ensure the Earth's inbuilt defence system was activated; thus saving the planet from an imminent alien attack and keeping his job safe. Unfortunately he would have to do it with a hangover and an injury to his forehead.

The bandage that adorned Fate's head was excessive. Everyone knew it, including the nurse that applied it. She'd had a long shift with little thanks and didn't fancy the twenty metre amble to retrieve the scissors; hence she used the entire roll. The fact it made Fate look ridiculous was a small bonus to cheer her up on the walk home. As Fate thought back on the previous night's events, the stray end of the bandage impinged on his peripheral vision once more. Again he misperceived it to be a fly and flinched in an effort to protect his bagel. He wasn't sure why he bothered. He couldn't stand bagels and their smug disposition. He'd asked for a bacon barm but the waitress had either misheard or didn't care. Either way, Fate didn't like to make a fuss when it came to food. He'd seen enough of the world to know a wrong order was better than the right dish with added fluids.

He stared down at the bagel that had been un-lovingly smeared with cream cheese. It looked back with a patronising shimmer. It was a poor substitute for what he'd ordered. He knew it wasn't going to fill him up, and it cost twice the price. He shook his head, setting off a twinge that shot up his neck and became a pain in the middle of his forehead. The bandage drifted back towards his vision causing another badly timed and agonising flinch. The twitching man at the window was beginning to attract attention from the other customers.

Luckily Fate was not a memorable man. You could spend weeks drawing a portrait and still be unable to find the words to describe him, but when your job is to control the destiny of every conscious being on the planet it's helpful to be able to slip in to the background. Even his age appeared ambiguous, looking anywhere between early twenties and late thirties, although his bland appearance was a priceless asset when it came to deflecting the social attention his absent mind and clumsiness would often entice. As if in demonstration, the customers, whose curiosity had been raised by the man in the window, quickly returned their focus to their plates of unapologetically flavoured fat, unable to remember why they'd glanced towards Fate in the first place.

The sporadic spasms were doing nothing for the controller of destiny's fragile stomach. Gripping the table he calmed his body to perfect stillness, staring at the various condiments' stable nature to focus his own. As the latest wave of hangover induced nausea passed, the danger of vomiting cleared. Fate celebrated by raising his head, in slow stages, and staring back out of the window in his well practised, all knowing manner. He believed this expression had helped him secure the position of Fate, that and some fortunate guesses at a series of frighteningly difficult maths problems.

The task of controlling every conscious being on a planet sounds daunting, so daunting most people prefer to believe it's down to one omnipotent being or another; however due to the social nature of humanity it's a relatively simple task. The domino effect of one action can be so far reaching that simply hiding a shoe in Swansea for ten seconds can bring down the government in Botswana. The skill is being able to see the consequence of an action, and this is where the dribbling man, sitting in the window of an unassuming cafe, is unrivalled.

Employed by the company that supplies and maintains Earths, it is Fate's job, along with a host of other concepts including his brother Coincidence and girlfriend Karma, to ensure the planet's original history is played out. Each concept dictates their own methods of achieving the aims set by the Earth Company. Fate chose to place most emphasis on planning and observation.

Each year Fate received a schedule of what had to occur. By following the chain reaction of consequence backwards he would invariably find one event that could initiate everything with a little nudge from him. It was far easier to identify seven or eight circumstances that needed engineering than spending every day tweaking and interfering with humanity. It also left him plenty of time for socialising and his hobby of cloud spotting.

Today though cloud spotting would have to wait, for it was a day when his practical interference was required. Informed that aliens were about to freeze time on Earth, in an effort to seize control, it was imperative that the only two humans left unfrozen were the planet's inbuilt heroes: Rick and Biritvind.

Having thoroughly investigated the pair, and their lifestyle, he'd devised a plan that would ensure the duo remained mobile and ready to act. It had been a relatively simple operation. Unfortunately for Fate it had been misguided. A fax machine running low on ink, combined with his brother's dedication to creating coincidences (what are the odds of a Brick and Spiritwind living next door to Rick and Biritvind), had seen him target the real hero's next door neighbours by mistake. Rather than a highly trained pair of moral warriors, Fate was about to activate two men who deemed the term 'hapless misfits' a compliment.

Had Fate realised his error he would have worked on rectifying it instantly. The last thing he or any of the concepts wanted was to put their own jobs in jeopardy. Unemployment would leave them needing to return to their home planet of Grinflint, an entirely uninspiring world.

Grinflint had been an insignificant rock with no natural resources. Made entirely from marble it had sat as a perfect sphere without undulation, crevice or pebble to interrupt its surface. Had it not floated in the vicinity of Medlock, a planet of such wealth their smallest unit of currency could buy a reasonably priced solar system, it would have remained that way for all time.

The unremarkable planet had long been ignored by the Medlockians, until the fashion world decided minimalism was the new everything; at which point they claimed the unoccupied oddity as their own. The people of Medlock quickly instructed their staff to load up their luxury crafts, and within hours the quintillionaires had been chauffeured to the previously pointless ball in space. With little to do but gloat they spent several days showing off the sheer abundance of nothingness to the rest of the universe, before growing restless and deciding minimalism would be far more fun with stuff.

In line with Medlockian culture they decided spending money was the only answer, and began importing entertainment and a few home comforts. Along with their vast array of goods they also imported the social need to outdo each other, and competitiveness soon took hold. When one family grew tired of the flat horizon they installed mountains in the distance. Not to be beaten, an ocean sprung up in next door's recently imported field, quickly followed by the unveiling of an entire forest at number thirty's regular Sunday brunch. The competition continued and the planet blossomed; however achieving such a thing had meant hiring countless staff to deal with orders and installation.

Over time the hired help settled on Grinflint, importing their own workers villages to live in, and began raising families. Unfortunately the career options for their offspring were limited to either admin work or table testing; for a species of admin staff the perfect sit was essential. Fortunately for the people of Grinflint, the Earth franchise company formed. They required people who excelled in organisational ability to work as concepts. Hearing of the race of admin specialists, representatives of the Earth headed to Grinflint. The residents were thrilled to be given a third career choice, and Fate had dreamt of little else since being a boy.

Fate's phone flashed on the table in front of him. It was Irony, one of his fellow concepts, ringing for the umpteenth time. He didn't need to answer. He knew she was only calling to gloat.

The two had never got on. Irony had originally applied to do the job of fate, and she held him personally responsible for her failure to get it. All Fate knew was that he could never do or say anything right. Given the choice he would simply avoid social contact, but Irony was best friends with his girlfriend Karma. Fate continued to watch the phone as the call was diverted to his message service. He wouldn't be listening to whatever she left.

Her incessant ringing had awoken him only a few hours ago. He'd answered out of instinct. It could have been Karma and her wrath was not worth risking. Once Irony had stopped laughing she unleashed her smug mockery: "The all knowing Fate, unable to see a lamp post coming." Irony insisted it fell under her jurisdiction. Somebody must have explained it to her. Irony only got the job because she didn't understand irony. The owners liked the joke more than the chance to have an effective concept.

Fate pushed the phone to the edge of the table. He held his head and wondered why he drank so much last night? Why did he drink so much that morning was perhaps a better question. Waking at Fut's house, another fellow concept, he'd been served a breakfast cocktail. Eggs and bacon went surprisingly well with brandy and cointreau.

Fate glanced down at his watch. Once the dizziness had passed he deciphered he had ample time to make it to the supermarket and delay Ms Herbert's shop. It was this delay that would set off the chain of events that would allow Brick and Spiritwind to remain free from the effects of time being frozen. Fate caught the eye of the waitress and signalled a request for another coffee. It had taken him a while to perfect the execution of the subtleties of human communication he so loved, but it had been worth the time and effort, and the numerous police fines he'd incurred for inappropriate advances.

Fate considered exactly how he was going to delay Ms Herbert. Between the hangover, throbbing forehead, irritation caused by Irony's smug gloating, and disappointment at his own weak will, he couldn't focus. Looking down at his bagel didn't help.

The previous evening was supposed to be a civil affair. He'd gone to his friend's house, Fut, to relax and iron out the final points of today's plan. Fut works as the planet's spreader of cool and calm, and his house and aura are always a welcoming place to be. Fut had offered to show Fate his latest cocktails, and as a man with lackadaisical tendencies, Fate embraced the idea and put all thoughts of work to one side. He considered promising to change his ways if he could just get through this task successfully, but he couldn't lie to himself.

Fate made a decision: he would leave the café and head to the supermarket in fifteen minutes. He would work on his plan to delay Ms Herbert on the way. Pleased he had a firm schedule in place he relaxed, knowing he had a quarter of an hour without the need to think.

"Maybe I should get some cake to go with my coffee?" He thought.

The Earth's odds of survival continued to diminish.

Contents

### Chapter Five

Zarg stood up before sitting back down for the third time. Neither state satisfied an urge he couldn't place. Restlessness was a common problem upon spacecraft. It had been the biggest obstacle facing anyone with an interest in galactic travel for many a century, but whilst the major corporations threw money at the problem, a humble man from the planet Antelope Three stumbled upon a solution while looking after his son.

The people of Antelope Three had mastered the art of weather prediction, much to the displeasure of the chaotic system. The weather prided itself on its mysterious nature and ability to surprise, and so in response it began rotating on an hourly basis. After several weeks of sixty minute storms, heat waves, and ice showers, talks were called to resolve the issue. As a compromise the weather agreed to give the good people of Antelope Three the same number of sunny, windy and rainy days it would in any other year; however the seasons would no longer exist. Instead the weather would see how it felt each morning and create the climate accordingly.

After a string of rainy days in the midst of what used to be summer, Deodorant Malone noticed his son's unrest at being stuck inside. He felt the only solution would be to open the front door and allow his son limitless access to the outside world, should he so choose. His son, Bookcase Malone, went in to the front garden and played in the rain for a full hour and a half. On his return he found all restlessness gone, and his watch, but that was due to carelessness, a different department entirely. Bookcase didn't ask to go outside again until the sun returned, and crucially felt no unrest as he waited. Deodorant realised the key to his son's harmony lay in the belief he could venture out whenever he wished. After sharing his handy parenting tip it quickly spread, and Deodorant was invited on to all the top chat shows to discuss it further. He was also approached by numerous publishers to write a book on the subject, but chose to write a pamphlet instead and sell it for twice the price.

News of the tip reached the ears of scientists at Powerflex Corp, who quickly applied it to the problem of space travel and restlessness. They came up with the 'restlessness expulsion device', which in essence was a door with an exit sign above it. Upon opening the wooden divide you stepped in to a small holding area, where a poster thanked you for using a Powerflex product and hoped your restlessness had been relieved. In truth the device usually signalled the final straw for many an ailing mind, which would pack in there and then and fall into a deep coma. In response, Powerflex invented intense stimulation rooms to bring sufferers back round.

With 87% of long distance space travellers falling into comas it was only a matter of time before somebody asked why Powerflex didn't simply remove the doors rather than creating an expensive solution to a problem that could be eradicated easily. A number of reasons were cited in court as to why removing the doors wouldn't help, but placing a small sign next to the portals, warning of the potential dangers, would fix the dilemma instantly. The court agreed with Powerflex, and the company offered to fit the signs for a very reasonable price.

The restlessness expulsion device on board Zarg's ship had long since been abandoned. Even if he wanted to use it he couldn't. It had become the cleaner's cupboard. Instead the teenage alien opted for a brisk walk around the ship, a decision which meant leaving his room and negotiating the family area.

Entering the open plan room, containing a kitchen and seating area, Zarg was faced with a scene of domestic bliss. His father, Ted, sat at the table reading a paper, his mother, Doreen, flitted about, keeping busy with tasks only she saw need for. His little brother, Edwin, sat in his high chair throwing various toys on to the floor and staring at them in innocent wonder. Zarg gave a few sighs and poked a chair before his mother finally engaged him in conversation.

"Are you okay dear?" She walked in to the kitchen area, conversing on the move.

"Why do you always want to know what I'm doing? Can't I get any privacy?" He continued to poke the chair without conviction for his rant.

"Just checking you're alright dear. No prying intended." She toddled past, back towards the living area with a spray of some sort. Her tone remained calm and distracted. She had chores to do and none of them involved an argument.

"Well I'm going to go round the ship for a bit. I need to get out of here." He could sense nobody was interested in starting a fight but stormed out anyway.

"Make sure you're back for tea dear." His mother called out as she headed back to the kitchen for a different spray. Zarg didn't have chance to reply, the door had already closed. He cursed his mother's understanding nature and set off down the long, silver corridors.

Zarg's attitude towards his parents plagued him. He thought on the topic as he strolled aimlessly. He wished to tell them that he cherished their love and support for him more than any other object the universe could offer, but his teenage mind translated his affection in to shrugs and strops. The mere thought of their selfless attitude boiled his walk in to a moody stomp.

After thirty metres of angry walking, Zarg stopped and considered his actions. What was wrong with him? His behaviour was completely over the top. Struck by a moment of clarity his hormones relented as he turned to the wall to face his reflection, ponderous of his own identity and place in existence. A vague, green, alien shaped blob shimmered back at him. For all the reflective quality the walls promised they delivered little. Zarg's curiosity quickly turned to frustration at the inability to distinguish his ear from his leg. He set off around the ship once more, his hormones returning to huff and puff their displeasure.

The corridors stretched on for miles, offering little variation amongst the thirty floors they provided access to. It made walking along them a challenge for the senses that yearned stimulation; fortunately entering a room more than made up for the famine.

When the time came for the Jefferians to build a craft to explore the universe, they had little to draw on other than what they had seen in 1950's science fiction movies from Earth. Drafting in a team of master designers they explained their idea of a ship: a giant silver saucer with matching interior, except for a pleasantly carpeted control room. Slightly irritated by such a simple request, a task well below their talent, the designers set about the corridors and did as asked. Unhappy their good name would be attached to work so dull and lifeless they requested a meeting with the Jefferian King, explaining that a ship doesn't have to stick to such strict boundaries and can look anyway you wish. The king was always willing to learn and in response gave the designers complete freedom over the rest of the interior, at which point raw extravagance took over.

Their creativity, subdued by working on the corridors, had built to the point of eruption, and with permission to do as they please it spilled over into every available nook and cranny. By the time they were finished the entire Jefferian fleet was a cacophony of surprises just waiting to be opened, the replica Trevi fountain that served as a sink in the toilets on level six being a particular highlight.

Zarg had been walking for around ten minutes when the solution to his boredom struck: food; more specifically, Dovwar pie. The meat of the Dovwar has been compared to party sausages wrapped in bacon, only in large, dense slabs of many layers, separated by melted cheese. His mouth motioned a bite as his pace quickened, the imaginary pastry cracking effortlessly beneath his teeth.

He reached the canteen with eyes half closed, lost in imagined flavour.

Wiping his drool with the back of his arm, Zarg pushed the ample door to the canteen open. It swung gently on its hinges, bathing the little alien in light and sound. Stepping inside he had no interest in the designer's vision of a fully operational fairground doubling up as a cafeteria; all Zarg wanted was the finest slice of Dovwar pie in the room, and he knew exactly where to find it.

Although predominantly a fairground, the centre of the room held the essence of a canteen. A multitude of tables, each incorporating a minimum of six comfortable seats, were grouped together. This nucleus was surrounded by an increasing density of stalls and tents, all of which supplied food. You could choose to be served freely or play the game they offered in return for sustenance. The bigger rides sat on the outskirts and offered snacks to those who were eating casually between meals.

Zarg let his mind wander as he headed towards his favourite stall at the far end of the cavernous room. He always played the game it offered, partly to boost his inconsistent ego but mainly to show off to Jennifer, the stall holder and object of Zarg's crush. Being such a logical young chap he knew she was unattainable and was merely a test run for the emotions he would one day need to partake in a relationship, but logic didn't stop him blushing whenever she smiled at him.

The stall was hidden away from the more popular areas meaning it was usually quiet. Zarg left the walking process to his subconscious. A few adjustments here and there were enough to avoid any major embarrassments in the form of trips and falls. It had travelled the path enough times to know exactly where they were heading. He allowed his conscious mind to wander freely as he went. They settled on watching a young soldier test his strength; apparently he was strong to the point of eighty. This pleased the soldier greatly as he turned to his friends in a victory stance: legs spread and both arms fully extended above his head. Zarg wondered what his own strength would be before remembering he didn't care about that kind of thing, he was more cerebral. A smirk of superiority flashed across his face, distracting his subconscious for a moment. The ensuing stumble saw his grin disappear as the soldier and his friends mocked him from afar. Lowering his gaze, Zarg picked up the pace.

Reaching his destination, Zarg smiled to see Jennifer behind the counter. A warm glow fluttered through his intestines. Some would call it love, Zarg called it hunger. It wasn't just Jennifer's understated prettiness that Zarg liked, she understood him in a way those his own age didn't. He felt they shared a level of maturity, mentally if not physically.

"Greetings, Zarg." Jennifer offered the little alien the usual friendly welcome. He felt instantly at ease, and a little dizzy with pleasure.

"Greetings in return. I have come for the greatest pie the ship can offer." Zarg felt confident flirting with Jennifer as he knew it couldn't lead anywhere, although her occasional reciprocation left him floundering.

"With compliments like that you're always welcome here. How are things?" Jennifer set the game up as she spoke.

The game was simple: each player was given a hand held cannon and three missiles. A circle sat eighteen feet away with a hole at the centre. This led to a clear tube that reached down to the floor. The aim was to fire the missile into the centre of the circle without touching the sides of the pipe that created the hole. Any contact would result in the missile being fired instantly back in your direction. Success allowed the dart to fall into the tube and to the ground. Those bullets would then be weighed and the equivalent amount of Dovwar pie handed over.

"You mean aside from the constant battle with my parents?" Zarg looked to the sky with disappointment, at the same time taking the cannon Jennifer offered.

"Do they still not understand?"

"If they did they'd stop punishing me just for being alive. It was their choice to create me. I'm just a consequence of their selfish desire to be loved." Zarg listened to the words he was saying as he lined up his first shot. He wanted to compliment them on doing such a fine job of raising him, but the harder he tried to be nice the more vehement his abuse became.

"Do you need reminding of the rules?" Jennifer chose to side step his comments and changed the subject.

"The rules that lead to such an unsurpassed pie experience are engraved upon my very soul."

"Ooh you little charmer. Have another dart." She passed the missile over with a wink.

Zarg paused briefly, unsure how to interpret the gesture. He wobbled slightly before raising the cannon in front of his face, taking a moment to recompose himself before aiming. Once over his fluster he added another pause for added drama. He knew how to put on a show.

Preparing to fire, the smell of pie escaped from beneath the table. For many this caused a distraction, for Zarg it merely offered focus. Taking in a lungful of the culinary delights odour, he fired then listened intently, ready to duck should it return. Two tense seconds passed before the dart fell into the tube.

"Nice shot. Maybe it isn't too late to consider becoming a soldier." Jennifer knew Zarg's feelings on the forces.

"I don't think my testosterone is in the right places to become a soldier." The second shot left the cannon with an air of nonchalance. The tension was missing as the dart fell into the tube in an increasing heap.

"Things change, Zarg. Never say never." She smiled in a way that could have meant five different things. Zarg presumed it was desire.

"I'd never be so naïve." His concentration shifted. Did she mean things change as in he will one day be old enough for them to date without embarrassment? The thoughts didn't stop the third dart mirroring the first two and adding to the growing pile. "I'm just sure my presence in the army would benefit neither myself nor them."

"Well whatever you choose to do I'm sure you'll be a success." Jennifer kept one eye on the target and one on Zarg as he fired his final shot. It too fell without drama, joining the others.

"That's very kind of you to say." Zarg retreated in to politeness, unsure if this was genuine flirting or friendliness. He could feel his cheeks warming and awkwardness beginning to course through his veins. He decided to keep eye contact to a minimum and conversation strictly to his prize. "I believe I've won some pie."

Jennifer had already retrieved the darts and placed them on the ornate scales she swore by. Reaching beneath the counter she lifted a slab of pie that left Zarg dizzy with excitement. It was bigger than his brother.

Jennifer's years of pie cutting experience had taught her exactly how much related to four darts, yet this didn't stop her cutting slightly less. It was a tip passed down by her grandfather: always cut less than they have won, then when you add the slice that makes the weight correct the customer will feel extra special. It was a far better tip than his advice on dealing with a dart in the face; she hadn't been able to find the technique of closing your eyes and ignoring it in any manual she'd read since. She stored it as a loving anecdote rather than a first aid procedure.

In truth Jennifer always gave Zarg an extra slice, but he still witnessed the same routine to receive it. He considered the cutting of the pie to be as important a ritual as the actual eating. Nervously grinning thanks, he stared at his reward as he walked away. For now food still out ranked the attention of a lady.

Zarg searched for a seat. He wanted to ensure he got a table alone, social awkwardness was never a pleasant side dish. All the time he resisted the urge to nibble his prize. Denying himself would make that first bite all the tastier.

Zarg avoided the centre cluster of tables; invariably somebody would join you; however the seats nearer the edge suffered from the passing traffic of people visiting stalls. The little alien quickly found the perfect spot between the edge and the centre. The empty tables that surrounded it would suffice as alternatives for others seeking solace in their own company. Zarg sat down and removed the cutlery from his tray. He'd already chosen the corner that would make up the last bite. He gazed at it longingly while snacking on the smaller chunks that were scattered across his plate. It glistened with the perfect ratio of pastry to filling. After teasing himself long enough to heighten his taste buds he approached the main slab and slid his knife through its entirety with minimal effort. Cooked to perfection, the meat offered little resistance. Securing a mighty chunk on his fork, his arm trembled with excitement as he lifted it towards his mouth.

"Alright Zarg. You don't mind if I sit here do you? Didn't think so. How's it going?" Don sat down with a thud. He didn't care how Zarg was or if he wanted his company. "Are you gonna eat that pie or kiss it? I'll have it if you don't want it. Do you not want it Zarg?" Don was in Zarg's class and had a talent for annoying people, but being twice as big as everyone else and a having a tendency towards unprovoked violence meant his peers usually tolerated it rather than mount a challenge. Zarg filled his mouth with as much pie as he could, just to stop Don stealing it. It ruined the whole experience.

"I can't wait for this war to get started." Don continued. Oblivious to Zarg's sorrowful chewing. "My dad said I can question a prisoner if I keep me room tidy 'til we land. Said I can try out a few torture techniques. Do you want to see some I've been practicing?" Don put his fork down as Zarg waved his arms. He swallowed the pie as quickly as he could in order to add his voice to the non verbal protest.

"No it's okay." The food slipped down his throat in a mechanical manner. All sense of enjoyment had gone. "I don't think it's going to be that kind of take over Don. I'm not sure there'll be a war and prisoners." Zarg sipped his drink with a watery eye.

"Are you calling my dad a liar?" Don had barely retrieved his fork before slamming it back down and preparing to pick up his fighting fists once more.

"No, no, no. Not at all. I just think they're going for a more subtle approach." Zarg cowered slightly.

"If I was entirely sure what subtle meant you might be regretting saying it right now." Don's look ensured Zarg knew he meant it. The little alien picked at his food as the bully wolfed his down. Don spoke again, spitting chunks of something meat based with each word. "We're definitely taking the Earth over though?"

"Yes." Zarg didn't want to say any more than he had to. It was too risky.

"Without fighting?"

"Without fighting." It was going well.

"How can you win a battle without fighting?" Don suspected he was being made to look a fool.

"It was all covered in the assignment we did for future history class. Did you not do your assignment?" Zarg asked in the least offensive tone he could muster.

"I handed it in. Dave Harper did the actual work. I told him to get me a B or I'd smash his face in." He beamed with pride at his ingenuity.

"Did you get a B?"

"I got an A, and Dave Harper got what was coming to him for not getting a B." Zarg didn't wish to point out that an A was better than a B. Maybe Don knew that. "You still haven't told me how we're going to win without fighting." The bully was growing restless.

"An ingenious plan has been devised that leaves no need for fighting and thus no risk of harm to us."

"I think fighting's a pretty ingenious way of winning, and when I fight there's no risk of harm to me."

"I agree Don, but we're not all as skilled as you in the art of pugilism."

"First subtle now pugilisrosness. You are mocking me!" Don stood up.

"I'm not, I'm not. It just means fighting with your fists." Zarg cowered, glancing at his pie longingly.

"Well say that then. If I wasn't so understanding that could have ended very badly for you." Don ripped more meat from the bones of something well cooked. "So what's this wimpy plan then?"

"We're going to stop time on Earth then steal all the tea and coffee and hold it as ransom until they sign ownership of the franchise over to us." Zarg gave an appeasing smile, trying to steer clear of any hint of mockery.

"I'd rather smash 'em in. I'm good at that. Do you want me to show you somethi....." Don never got to finish his sentence as a toffee apple flew across the room and struck the back of his head. After the initial jolt forward he turned and began running in one smooth movement. He flew in a fury in the direction of the missiles origin, fists ready to swing and eyes scanning for culprits. Zarg sighed relief at being left alone as mayhem erupted around twenty feet away. He only had eyes for the corner of Dovwar pie that lay on his plate. He snuck away to find somewhere quieter to fulfil its destiny.

Contents

### Chapter Six

When a bucket is struck repeatedly with a spoon it's generally held as wise not to have your head inside it. Given the choice Brick would have acted on such wisdom, but Spiritwind hadn't given his friend the option.

Over the years of living together Brick had grown accustomed to being awoken by his housemate in a variety of ways. His only defence had become nonchalance. Chasing a reaction, Spiritwind saw this lack of response as a challenge and continued to think of more and more elaborate ways to disturb his friend's slumber. The bald man felt particularly proud of today's effort.

Brick remained perfectly still except for the reverberation of his bones, which he had no control over. He'd learned from the blancmange moat, Spiritwind once formed around the sofa, not to jump up too hastily. He'd also learned to feign being asleep until he could be sure of what awaited him. Movement would often instigate the misfortune Spiritwind had engineered for the sake of humour.

In truth Brick didn't have to worry. The mischievous imp had fled after striking the bucket and taken up a defensive position in the inaccurately named dining room. Brick sensed he was alone and opened one eye, a shaft of light from somewhere beneath his chin breaking the darkness that faced him. He remained static, assigning all energy to working out what his friend had done to him.

Brick knew instinctively what the object covering his head was. The texture of metal and damp essence was unmistakeable, as was the feeling of victory it imbued in the wearer; it was the helmet of a yoghurt bucket warrior, or standard metal bucket for the uninitiated. Brick, however, had learned never to jump to conclusions and continued his investigation. His right hand was open. A thin metallic shaft balanced across it. A nimble twist of the fingers confirmed it was a spoon, the firing mechanism of the dairy gladiator. All that remained to be identified was the item in his left hand. Brick felt a plastic, upturned dome, large enough to require a fully open palm to support it. A gentle squeeze revealed it to be pliable yet firm where needed; it was clearly a tub of yoghurt, the fuel of vengeance. Brick moved his legs to check they hadn't been tied together, an underhand tactic Spiritwind wasn't averse to. Finding his limbs free, Brick's senses heightened. His sleeping body had been adorned for battle; his waking body was ready for the fight.

Spiritwind heard his friend shuffling and began the verbal sparring. "You've got one minute before the game begins."

"You're too generous my friend. With that amount of time your doom is surely sealed." Brick sat up in his chair and turned his head from side to side. It served no purpose as the bucket concealed any ability to see.

"The fear in your voice betrays your words. Only one man's doom shall be sealed: your own." Spiritwind adopted a low and stealthy stance as the adrenalin of battle entered his bloodstream, and a walnut whip entered his bucketed mouth. Brick awaited the inspiration only panic could bring. The game of yoghurt bucket waited to commence.

Yoghurt Bucket had been born out of boredom and opportunity. Brick and Spiritwind had been given countless free boxes of yoghurt from a factory they had been temping in, but with no desire to eat the supposed treat, the supplies had sat in a cupboard for weeks. When they discovered a couple of buckets in the shed of the house they rented, an idea formed. Within twenty minutes they had an official rulebook and a yoghurt stained abode.

The official rules were not carved in stone; they were barely scrawled on paper, and were always open to discussion. However the fundamental laws of the game were as follows: Each contestant must wear a bucket on their head, the purpose of which is to render your eyesight oblivious to its surrounding. There is to be no clever interpretation of the rule allowing the contestant to both wear a bucket and be able to see. As with all the rules it is the intention which must be adhered to not the wording. Each contestant shall be armed with one tub of yoghurt, the size of which must be equal for each party unless a handicap option has been agreed upon. Each participant will also be supplied with a tool to be used as a flinger, usually a spoon. Once equipped and ready the game begins, the aim of which is to place as much yoghurt on the opponent's helmet as possible. Once both tubs of yoghurt are empty the game is over, at which point the players must remove their buckets, in sight of all other contestants, and inspect the damage. The player with the most yoghurt on their bucket is the loser and must clean all the mess incurred during the course of the match.

As far as Brick and Spiritwind were aware they were the only exponents of the game in the world, meaning each encounter was a ranking tournament involving the top two players in the game. It was pressure Brick could do without as he continued to spin, bewildered, in the living room.

"Five seconds." Spiritwind shouted from his crouched position in the adjoining room.

Before Brick could object, panic arrived, and under the guise of inspiration dragged his body out of the living room, turned right, ran past the supposed dining room and into the kitchen. The urgency didn't seem necessary. Neither did running into the table. Brick stood instantly. Ignoring his throbbing thigh he loaded his spoon.

The loud, crashing sound of Brick's manoeuvre gave Spiritwind a clue to his enemy's location. He followed the hint with a blind, speculative shot around the door frame and into the kitchen. The globule of dairy product whistled past Brick's helmet. He sensed it was close and tensed his body in fear; his arm twitching into stillness and dislodging the carefully balanced pile of ammunition he'd prepared. Peering down he could see his sock covered in the pink, lumpy substance. Things had not started well.

Brick quickly regained his composure. Coming to the kitchen had been a mistake, he could see that now. Not only was there too much furniture but he was cornered. He cursed his error and vowed never to repeat it. A new determination entered his thoughts. He may have lost the first battle but he could still win the war and watch Spiritwind clean his sock. The thought deserved a hearty laugh but the echo would be too disorientating.

Brick pressed his body against the kitchen wall and reloaded in a smooth, well practiced fashion. He had an idea to turn the game on its head. Knowing roughly where Spiritwind must be hiding, he launched a covering shot in his direction. The instant the missile left his spoon Brick was off towards the stairs at an impressive pace for a man with no vision. Brick planned to move the game to the upper floor and thus change the arena Spiritwind had so carefully engineered.

Spiritwind flinched at Brick's strategic shot, firing an instinctive, retaliatory strike as a flurry of limbs and clinks of a bucket bumbled past. Spiritwind continued to attack as he heard Brick falling up the stairs; however each bucket remained clean, although the same could not be said for the walls.

Spiritwind cursed his own mistake. He'd allowed the advantage to slip and now faced a dilemma: should he hold out where he was and try to lure Brick back to his level or risk walking upstairs into a trap? The noise Brick continued to make suggested he hadn't stopped to set up an ambush, although Spiritwind never underestimated his opponent and knew from past experience Brick was more than capable of elaborate deception.

After a brief rethink the bald warrior crept to the bottom of the stairs and fired a warning shot, listening intently for any reaction a hiding adversary may make. The combination of no response and the sounds of stumbling coming from one of the front rooms left Spiritwind secure enough to follow his friend's path, loaded spoon in hand and vengeful intentions in mind.

Spiritwind remained alert as he stealthily moved up the stairs. He sensed a struggle in either his own room or the spare. Pausing to distinguish which, an almighty crash poured forth, the whole house shaking with the impact of many objects striking the floor. Slowly the sound of a whimpering man with a bucket on his head emerged as the only noise that could be heard. Brick was in the spare room. Spiritwind approached with caution, aware deception may still be afoot.

Trust had never been an issue in Brick and Spiritwind's friendship, but when it came to Yoghurt Bucket the rules of life were rescinded. Misplaced trust could cost you the game and leave you open to all manner of name calling and general smugness. For this reason Spiritwind approached the room still in battle mode. From a crouched position he pushed the door open, slowly and in stages.

"This isn't a trap you know. I'm in a real predicament." Brick's voice travelled with a dramatic echo from his bucket.

"Well you would say that wouldn't you." Spiritwind wasn't falling for it.

"Would say what?"

"You were in a predicament."

"If I was in a predicament, yes I would." Brick added confusion to his tone.

"You'd also say it if you weren't in a predicament but wanted me to think you were so you could ambush me." Spiritwind knew what was going on.

"That is true, and I fully understand your thinking, but wouldn't I also say such a thing if I really were in a predicament?" Brick tried to sound as convincing as a man could with added reverberation.

"You would, but you could also say these things to try and double bluff me."

"Yes, but the fact remains I could just be in a terrible predicament."

Spiritwind ran through the conversation in his mind, searching for clues to the truth. He tried a different approach. "So what you're saying is you're genuinely in a predicament?"

"Yes."

"No tricks?"

"None."

"Before I come in you need to know that if you are trying to trick me, and I end up splattered, I was in no way fooled and was merely acting in the best interests of my friend." It was an essential point Spiritwind felt had to be clarified.

"I understand."

"As a gesture of such I'm going to remove my bucket; and you are more than aware firing on an un-bucketed opponent is one of the most serious crimes within our game."

"Removing the bucket is also the sign of forfeiture." Brick had never been one to keep his thoughts to himself.

"Not if you remove yours too. Then we have a stalemate."

"Problem is, I can't remove mine. I'm in something of a predicament." The echo sounded defeated.

Spiritwind picked up on the truth within the tone and tilted his head and bucket backwards to allow vision. Peering round the door he could see Brick was in no position to launch an assault. Spiritwind smiled to himself before continuing the ruse. "What could you possibly have done to be unable to remove your bucket?"

"Why don't you come and find out. If you dare." Brick's challenge lost all intimidation through the tinny echo that carried it to his opponent's ears.

"You're not helping gain my trust with comments like that."

"I realise that. Sorry, force of habit."

Spiritwind removed his helmet entirely and stepped into the room, tiptoeing over the numerous boxes that had previously sat atop the wardrobe. Brick's spoon sat around five feet away from the closet, which now lay on its front at a severe slant, supported by the bucket that contained Brick's head. Smugness rippled through Spiritwind as he tried to hold back laughter whilst maintaining his pretence. He spoke into the bucket to maintain a sense of distance. "I could just come in as a sign of trust."

"No. I'd rather you felt secure enough in our friendship to know I can be trusted without doubt. I wouldn't wish.....You're already in here aren't you?" Brick could sense his friend's movements.

"I am yes. And I'm very impressed at how wrong your dastardly plan has gone." Spiritwind perused his friend's situation from several angles.

"I think you'll find I'm incapable of dastardly behaviour. My incredibly ingenious plan on the other hand has gone somewhat askew."

"Are you even remotely aware just how askew?" Spiritwind retrieved a chicken leg to accompany his study.

"Not really. The various sensations of weight across my body are offering a few clues."

Brick was pinned by the fallen wardrobe in three places, his foot, shoulder and head. The doors of the closet had swung open as it raced to the ground, swallowing Brick's torso before wedging his shoulder to the floor via the broken hanger rail. His right foot lay trapped beneath the base, sending a constant surge of pins and needles through his leg, a sensation Brick found pleasurable, whilst the bucket had prevented his face being squashed by the upper frame. As far as the game was concerned the most crucial aspect of the incident had been the trajectory of the yoghurt.

Basic physics tells us all objects fall at the same speed, so in theory a man and a pot of yoghurt falling off the same wardrobe should land at the same time; however Brick had been holding the tub as he sensed the closet beginning to topple. Believing his hands may be needed to break a fall he relinquished his grip and flung everything upwards before landing on the carpet with a thud, closely followed by the wardrobe, the various boxes it had been balancing, and a spinning tub of yoghurt. The dairy based treat had landed directly on top of Brick's helmet, relinquishing its contents all over it before coming to rest by his side; a fact Spiritwind grew ever closer to discovering.

"I suppose we'd better start sorting this out then. You're going a little pale." Spiritwind sniggered at his comedy genius.

"Well if I'm honest I'm not feeling great." Brick jumped at the potential sympathy on offer, blind to the joke.

"Pale.....bucket! Come on."

"Considering the serious nature of my predicament I'm struggling to find the humour within it." He may have garnered the sympathy he sought had the echo not continued to make him sound ridiculous.

"Do you want this thing lifting then?" Spiritwind moved into a lifting stance.

"Do you expect anything but a yes?"

"I was using the question more as a 'get ready' than an actual request."

"Why not use 'Are you ready?' It's worked as a way of communicating the idea for centuries, if not millennia." Oddly Brick's sarcasm benefited from the reverberation.

"I can always go downstairs and make a butty. I'm sure it wouldn't mock me for trying to help it out."

"How is eating it helping it out?"

"I'm helping it fulfil its one and only purpose; to be eaten." Spiritwind joined Brick off topic.

"Okay just lift. We can debate food and its destiny later. Don't forget to bend your knees."

"What? In general." Spiritwind lifted before his friend could reply. With one good lift he raised the wardrobe, its weight decreasing the higher he went. He understood why when looking down to see a waterfall of clothes pooling onto Brick.

"Cheers...." Brick struggled to maintain his sentence as he battled through the clothes. "....much.....much appreciated." As he raised himself the previously obscured side of the bucket was revealed. Spiritwind laughed and pointed.

"Oh that's very mature. Laugh at the unfortunate soul trapped beneath a wardrobe. Why don't we go out and cripple puppies and point and laugh at them too."

"You being trapped beneath a wardrobe's funny enough, but that's the icing on the end of a hungry finger." Spiritwind pointed at the stain once more.

"What are you laughing at?" Brick removed the bucket and followed the direction of Spiritwind's mockery. The stain became clear. "Did you do that while I was trapped?" The accusation held no conviction.

"I think we both know this is a textbook case of yoghurt suicide."

"Yoghurt suicide? Not a chance. I am an honourable warrior." Brick pulled his feet fully free from the clothes and stood, bemused.

"Samurai were the most honourable of warriors and they did it all the time. Face it. You lose." Spiritwind retrieved a bon-bon he had in his pocket.

"Hold on. We need to discuss this first." Brick desperately wanted Spiritwind to clean his sock.

"What is there to discuss? You have the most yoghurt on your bucket so you lose."

"You removed your helmet so the game is forfeited."

"I made myself very clear on the helmet removing situation." Spiritwind ran through several recently introduced sub sections of the Yoghurt Bucket rule book in his mind.

"But I never fully agreed to the decision, making it invalid." Brick had the slightest of technicalities to hold on to. Both players realised they were approaching a legal minefield that could take months to resolve. Spiritwind offered the only viable solution.

"Let's call it a draw. We'll clean up the mess we each created."

"I'll agree as long as you clean me sock." Brick had made the sock a point of principle in his mind.

"Clean your own sock." Spiritwind had finished with the debate and made a move to go downstairs. They could sort out the mess Brick's fall had made later, or close the door for a week or two.

"Go on. You only have to scrape the top layer off. That's a fair compromise." Brick hopped after his peer, waving his yoghurt drenched foot at him.

"I'm gonna make a cup of tea and bacon butty. Either of them interest you?"

"Who would ever turn down a bacon butty without regret? As far as the tea's concerned what makes you think I've suddenly started drinking such a pointless beverage?" Brick ignored his sock for the time being. He'd wait until later and try a more subtle approach.

"Just thought I'd check if you'd finally decided to join the rest of the world in enjoying hot beverages." Spiritwind plodded down the stairs, avoiding the puddle of yoghurt on step six.

"We've been through this. Hot drinks make me thirsty.....That's one of yours by the way." Brick pointed out the puddle on the stairs.

"Of course it is. I chose to fire my ammunition at you not pour it all over myself."

"So round two will be of the verbal variety. Then raise your nouns........"

The debate rolled on as the duo headed back to the days task of recovering from a night out. It was a skill they'd honed to perfection after years of practice. Unfortunately it wasn't the kind of skill applicable to saving the world.

Contents

### Chapter Seven

Fate approached the supermarket in his usual style. Irony had recently commented that he had a dull posture when walking. The words rang round his head leaving him slightly self conscious. He didn't even know what a dull posture looked like never mind correct it. Irony didn't either. Her only intention had been to make Fate self conscious when he walked.

Fate put his concerns to one side. He had to be professional and focus all his thoughts on Penelope Herbert. She had to be stalled during her weekly shop by three minutes and eight seconds. The knock on effects of the delay would leave Brick and Spiritwind immune to the beam that the Jefferians planned to use to freeze time on Earth. He still wasn't entirely sure how he would stall her.

Checking the time he increased his pace, skipping across the car park and making it to the revolving doors with plenty of time to spare.

Fate had done his research and knew Ms Herbert liked to have a fully stocked drinks cabinet at home. The idea of leaving the house for a night out sober just didn't seem appropriate. He also knew the purchase of alcohol signalled the end of her shop, meaning as long as her trolley remained drinks free he had time on his side.

Strolling through the supermarket, trying to lighten his posture with various shimmies and twitches, Fate spotted Ms Herbert perusing the cereals. Visually rifling through her goods he could see nothing constituting booze. This was good. It gave him at least eight more aisles to finalise his plan, which so far consisted of approaching Ms Herbert and seeing what came out of his mouth.

Fate took a deep breath and relaxed. "This is all going very well." He thought. "I have both time and the upper hand. I'm used to neither such luxury." Knowing there was only one direction she would be heading in, Fate strolled ahead and waited near a selection of olive oils.

Glancing at the shelf, the concept took a step back to assess the vast array of oil on offer. It all looked the same except for the style of writing and shape of bottle. Picking up a glass container that was trying desperately to be a Roman urn, he toyed with the air bubble inside, making it do laps of the handles. Fate drifted off into his mind, lost in the curious liquid. He could have stayed staring indefinitely had his phone not interrupted him. The awful tune combined with the sudden vibration of his leg, made the concept panic. As he reached to his pocket, to make the sound stop, he realised he'd released his grip on the bottle. He looked down just in time to see one piece of glass separating into thousands. Fate answered his phone as the liquid glooped around his shoes. Fortunately it wasn't Irony. Unfortunately it was his girlfriend Karma.

"Hello my sweet pumpkin of love. How are you on this wonderful day?" Fate sensed trouble instantly. She was being too nice.

"Oh I'm fine. No complaints here." This was a lie. His head ached, the ridiculous bandage had begun to fall loose, a sixteen year old lad with a mop and bucket was giving him the evil eye, and Penelope had just walked past, moving within six aisles of completing her shop.

"So you're feeling happy with yourself then?" The click of the loaded question became accentuated by the sweetness of her voice.

"I thought I was." In truth Fate was far from happy. His actual emotion awaited classification. It was the feeling 'normally I'd love to but right now I can't so please don't take my apparent lack of interest as being indicative of a bigger problem or lack of feelings, it is merely the situation that prevents me from acting the way I wish I could. And I'm definitely not in a mood that requires lots of questioning about why I'm in a mood that I'm not actually in'. It currently sat as a sub branch of awkwardness, and was displayed facially with a softening of the eyes and a smile through clenched teeth. Karma couldn't see the expression. She continued oblivious.

"Even with that bump on your head?" The tone changed.

"Ah! The bump."

"Yes. The bump. How did it happen again?" It was clear from the tone she knew exactly how it happened, not that she would admit it. Fate would have to explain it.

Karma loved her job. The swings from life changing generosity to outright vengeance suited her transient personality to perfection. Unfortunately for Fate it made their relationship something of a minefield.

"I was.....I just.....careless I guess." Fate squirmed out an answer whilst keeping one eye on Ms Herbert. She'd skipped through the cleaning products and was only two aisles away from the drinks.

"You're not normally careless dear. You're usually very good at seeing things coming, with it being your job and all." The sarcasm hid behind a thin layer of annoyed delight.

"I know. I was quite shocked by the whole thing."

"And you can't think of any reason why it might have happened?" She persisted with an air of knowing. Fate would have picked up on it had he not been focused on Penelope and her speed through the oral hygiene products.

"Just bad luck I guess." Luck was merely a pseudonym Fate worked under to achieve goals without logic. To utter such a phrase made it clear to Karma he wasn't paying attention. She scrapped all subtlety and showed her hand.

"So you weren't ogling a pretty girl?" Fate panicked as Ms Herbert missed out the last aisle all together and went straight for the drinks. His subconscious had picked up on Karma's comment; unfortunately it couldn't get a word in as Fate committed relationship hari-kari.

"Okay dear I will; got to go. The woman I'm after is getting her vodka." He put the phone down and leapt forward towards Ms Herbert. His subconscious attracted his attention and revealed what it had been working out. Karma had caused his head injury for looking at a girl. As the realisation struck home, Karma's retribution for following a woman around a supermarket arrived in the shape of a shopping trolley dissecting his path; as Fate flipped through the air he had time to curse his girlfriend's misunderstanding of the situation. He had no such option to speak upon landing as all breath vacated his body as it thudded on the tiled floor with the grace of a captured fish. He stared up at the fluorescent lighting wondering how his simple plan had gone so wrong so quickly.

Even Fate's bland face couldn't deflect the attention he began receiving. If smashing the bottle hadn't made him stand out, his attempts to scramble over the upside down shopping trolley brought everyone's gaze upon him. A sea of tuts and shaking heads accompanied his efforts to turn the trolley over and replace the goods that littered the floor. With his mind still on Penelope he dropped the shopping in the wheeled basket, apologised and turned to leave. The apology was greeted with a shrug and look of disbelief. Within twenty seconds Fate had blended back into obscurity, even with an ever loosening bandage and a limp.

Turning the corner to the drinks aisle, Fate still awaited inspiration as to how he could delay Ms Herbert for three minutes and eight seconds. A few ideas flitted through his head, but their flaws were quickly discovered and they were asked to move on. Beginning to enter Penelope's social space, Fate noticed his hand reaching for a bottle of wine from the shelf. His subconscious was good at this kind of thing. He handed all responsibility over to it and sat back to see what it would do.

Ms Herbert turned to face the out of breath man. The sound of two bottles delicately clinking together had alerted her to somebody's presence; Fate's removal of the wine from the shelf had not been clean. Before she could question him he flicked the bandage from his eyes and started his speech.

"Good morning, afternoon." It hadn't started as smoothly as hoped. "I was wondering if you'd be interested in taking part in a wine tasting trial we're running in this store today?" Eight seconds had waved goodbye.

Ms Herbert felt suspicious about the whole thing and expressed such with a frown and a raise of the eyes. "Which wine?"

"Why this wine here. The wine I am holding.....the wine called...." Fate tried a subtle glance for the wines name. All the words merged into one in his panic. It quickly became a blatant search for information. ".....Red Beauty. The wine from down under that will have you saying 'My. What a Red Beauty.' It's very good." Fate's attempt at a grin wiped out any credibility his pitch may have had. Fortunately for him, Penelope wasn't easily scared by weird men in supermarkets. If anything she was intrigued by them, especially when it looked like they may give her free wine.

"Shouldn't you have a little stall or something?"

Fate's improvisation skills leapt in to overdrive. "Market research has shown that a stall creates a barrier, a sense of mistrust between us and you the customer. We at Red Beauty wish to smash down such obstacles to you becoming our client, or Red Beauty friend as we prefer to say." He tried again with the grin. It was clearly time to drop it.

"So where are the glasses?"

"It is not for us at Red Beauty to impose drinking snobbery on our friends. Our extensive questionnaires have shown the average person enjoys their wine straight from the bottle, and we at Red Beauty consider ourselves to be just like the average person, only with far more money." A full minute had passed and Fate felt he could improvise for hours. If it wasn't for the bandage slowly falling back across his right eye he'd have said it was going perfectly. He tried to blow it away between sentences.

"So you want me to swig from the bottle?" Ms Herbert cut through the jargon.

"We at Red Beauty want you, our friend, to drink our product in the way you feel most comfortable. Our research has shown most people feel most comfortable swigging straight from the bottle."

"Do you only have that one bottle?" Penelope's suspicions returned.

"Not at all; we have the whole shelf to choose from. We feel the drink we offer to test should be the drink you can buy. Many of our rival companies use a completely different drink when offering taste tests. To let you in on a little trade secret, many of our rivals actually use Red Beauty as their samples because they, like us, know it's the best wine around." The grin returned without warning.

"Go on then. You can't turn down free wine."

"Excellent choice madam." Fate raised the bottle to hand it over, at which point he noticed the cork. Without a corkscrew the whole charade could come crashing down. Improvisation stepped in once more. "Did I mention the snacks promotion we're running alongside our fine wine offer?" Fate scoured the shelves opposite, searching for anything he could tie in with the wine.

"No, you didn't." Ms Herbert didn't care if it was genuine anymore. She found Fate thoroughly entertaining.

"Well I should have. We're also testing.....Cheese Heaven: the only cheese snack that transports your taste buds to paradise. Heaven and Beauty, a combination even the God's can't argue with." A packet of Cheese Heaven quickly occupied his hand. He struggled to open the packet with the wine still in his grasp. He managed it as two minutes passed. "Smell the aroma as it attacks your senses. How can you defend yourself against the lure of such cheese utopia?" He wafted the bag across her face. Ms Herbert followed the opening with her nose.

A disgruntled teenager, mop still in hand from the oil incident, had been watching Fate. As an employee of the store he felt it his duty to inform somebody of the odd fellow. The security guard he had told was delighted at finally having something to do. He arrived at the aisle with the cheese dance in full flow.

"I think I'll be fine with what I've got actually." Ms Herbert gestured the bottle of vodka to Fate as she realised she was dancing round the supermarket with a packet of crisps. The sight of the security guard peering around the corner of the shelf also raised her suspicions once more. She only hoped she wasn't being filmed for a prank related show of some sort. Fate still had thirty seconds to kill when the security guard interjected.

"Excuse me sir. I'll have to ask you not to do that."

"Do what?" Fate kept one eye on Ms Herbert whilst turning to face the guard. Unfortunately the eye he focused on her had a bandage in front of it. The continuous puffs of air he aimed at it did nothing to help his claims of normality. Penelope had already decided she was going nowhere. If somebody was about to get punched she wanted to see it.

"Manhandle the merchandise before a purchase has taken place." The guard stepped up his authority level.

"Manhandle is a little sinister don't you think. I only wished to share the delights of Cheese Heaven with this young lady." Twenty seconds remained.

"I don't think the young lady is interested sir. Are you madam?" A wink of superiority and a smirk trickled from the young guard.

"No. Not now I know there's no free wine on offer."

Three minutes and eight seconds fast approached. Fate had to make a swift exit to allow Penelope to continue with her new destiny. "My mistake; I'll leave quietly."

"Now I....You will?" The guard had been looking forward to a bit of a struggle.

"Of course; come on. No time to waste." Fate marched off ahead as the guard tried to catch up. He was determined to see Fate off the premises even if he had to jog slightly to do so. Ms Herbert put the whole affair behind her and headed to the checkout. By the time she'd placed her shopping on the conveyor belt all she could remember about Fate was his bandage.

Fate remained outside, peering through the window at intervals. The guard stared out the front of the shop in a purposeful manner. He tried to look as though he was in the midst of a big case. In truth he was thinking about the cheese and tomato sandwich he had in his locker. He hoped the tomato's juices hadn't seeped into the bread leaving it too soggy to enjoy. Fate continued to pop up at the window as Ms Herbert joined the queue at the newspaper stand. He went over his calculations and checked his watch. Things had gone exactly to plan, only one more thing to check before he could head to Fut's house for a relaxing night in. If this final bit went wrong he'd be up all night trying to fix it.

Penelope finally reached the front of the queue and bought her weekly lottery scratch card. Heading to the door she placed her shopping on the floor and paused to reveal the symbols. Fate continued to peer through the window. The security guard had lost all interest in everything and pivoted on one foot whilst staring at the ceiling. Ms Herbert looked at the card, looked around, then looked back at the card. She covered her mouth to prevent a cheeky squeal from emerging before returning to the queue. Fate relaxed. He could head to Fut's and allow human nature to do the rest.

By delaying Ms Herbert Fate had ensured she joined the queue for the scratch card in a winning position, one hundred pounds to be exact. This meant she could now afford to go to the Flashin' Passion night club tonight with her friends, a night with far reaching consequences.

For Penelope it meant she would be barred from the establishment and thus unable to meet Barry Butternut the following week. Barry would have eventually ruined her life. For Craig Kirtley, the drink Penelope spills on his new shirt will allow him to firmly grasp the idea that some things just don't matter. This realisation would enable him to accept himself and all his flaws and go on to a live a far more fulfilled existence, and to become the undisputed king of self help authorship with his book: Life is Only a Stained Shirt, and Stains Wash Out', but perhaps the most important consequence of the night, unless you are Jack Steel who is now found alive yet thirsty in the Australian outback rather than as a pile of bones, concerns two unassuming young men going about their daily business. Without Penelope Herbert's good fortune the Earth would have faced an alien invasion without two heroes to stand in their way. Although when the Earth realises who the heroes are it may wish she hadn't bothered.

Contents

### Chapter Eight

Brick stirred from his slumber to discover a mildly wet sock atop his chest.

Turning blearily to his right he saw Spiritwind smiling back at him from the sofa.

"That's not funny you know." Brick shook his torso in an attempt to dislodge the offending footwear. He didn't wish to lose his position of comfort again.

"It made me chuckle." Spiritwind peeled another egg as the door knocker knocked.

"Who could that possibly be?" Brick continued to wrestle with the sock. It sat on the brink of sliding down his body to obscurity.

"We both know there's only one way to find out." Spiritwind dipped his egg into a bowl of soy sauce as neither moved. The knock returned. It sounded forceful.

"That's a very determined request for entry. I fear they aren't going away without an answer." Neither moved as Brick put forward his case for staying sat down. "As I'm in the midst of dealing with a problem of your making, I cannot do anything about the door situation." A final shimmy brought a smile to Brick's face as the sock disappeared down the side of his body. It coincided with Spiritwind standing up. His curiosity of who the visitor may be far outweighed his need to out stubborn Brick.

"Who is it?" Brick fired the question as Spiritwind stepped into the hallway. He knew nothing had been revealed yet. Spiritwind didn't answer his friend with anything other than a scornful facial expression.

Returning his face to its default setting, Spiritwind swung the door open. His two neighbours stood before him.

"Hey, neighbour." Rick and Biritvind from next door stood proudly on the doorstep. Both had jaws and frames that resembled Victorian furniture, they promised the same inherent pride and strength you could expect from any wardrobe and dresser combination. Not a hair sat out of place on either. Their teeth beamed from their chiselled, battle ready faces, as a twinkle sat in their eyes awaiting any females in the area. After much grinning, Rick spoke. "I and my peer in arms were outside training when a little exuberance took over. An object of ours has found itself within the realms of your property. We seek permission to return it to its rightful home?" The duo swung their arms in joyous camaraderie as the sentence ended.

"Are you asking if you can get your ball back?" Spiritwind went straight to the heart of the matter.

"Who wants their ball back?" Brick had decided to investigate for himself.

"Fellow neighbour." Rick took the role of speaker once more. "We were just informing your comrade here...."

"Comrade?" Brick looked at Spiritwind. A subtle shake of the head told him he didn't know either. Spiritwind didn't wish to hear the story again and interrupted.

"...That's fine. Do you want to come through and get it?" Spiritwind stood aside in a welcoming gesture.

"Neighbour, we appreciate your permission and shall retrieve the object, but we have a plan in mind to do so."

"You can just come through the house and get it if you like." Spiritwind wished he'd brought a pre dipped egg with him. This was taking far longer than it needed to.

"The road of easy answers leads to watching the world pass by rather than straddling its back and riding it for all it can be. Our plan will suffice. Good day to you." Rick turned to leave before Biritvind reminded him of something with a tilt of his head. He returned to the door before Spiritwind had chance to close it. Rick's body language suggested he was whispering, although his volume remained at a general conversation level. "Should the power to your abode suddenly disappear, and your home be plunged into darkness, do not despair. It will only last for thirty one seconds. By the time it returns the object which blights your outdoor space will no longer be a burden in your life." Rick and Biritvind turned and left as one. Their stroll down the path had an air of determination that felt somewhat unnecessary.

"What was that?" Brick needed a synopsis of what just happened.

"That was our next door neighbours informing us they'd thrown something into our garden by mistake, and asking if they could get it." Spiritwind closed the door and headed back to the living room as he explained.

"So why didn't you just let them come through and get it?"

"Were you not paying any attention? I offered but they said they had a plan."

"Must have missed that, I was too busy staring at his utility belt. Did you see all the gadgets he had on it?" As Brick prepared to take his seat the power went off. A thud emerged from the darkness.

"They said this might happen. I'm going to watch." Spiritwind grabbed an egg and headed to the kitchen. He wasn't about to be caught snack free so soon after the last episode.

"Why am I on the floor?" Brick picked himself up and followed his friend. After running into the wall, Brick finally made it to the kitchen window to stand next to his housemate. "What's happening?"

"Nothing yet."

As Spiritwind replied a shadow flashed through the garden, quickly followed by a second. Both were careering through the air in gymnastic fashion before coming to rest within twenty feet of a metallic object half buried in the ground. It resembled a medieval ball and chain covered with excessively large spikes. The shadowy figures blended in to the ground, until one leapt and back flipped its way towards the chain. The second headed in the same direction in similar fashion. The first picked the chain up mid flip and used his momentum to fling the ball high into the night air. The second shadow flipped over the first, grabbing his shoulders on the way and throwing him back to the garden whence he came. With a few fancy dives and rolls the second shadow skipped onto the fence, balancing on one leg whilst pointing his head in the direction of the mace. With a quick tense he leapt fifteen feet straight up and caught the medieval weaponry before spinning and releasing the silver object back towards Rick and Biritvind's garden. The mace disappeared into a bag held by the now waiting first figure, a subtle twist taking the power from it. The other shadow landed back on the fence before dismounting with a triple salchow. As he touched the ground the power to Brick and Spiritwind's house returned.

"There really was no need for all that." Spiritwind turned to his friend.

"I guess some people just weren't born with the gift of common sense we possess." Brick validated the comment with agreement and a nod.

"Seen as I'm in the kitchen I might fix myself a snack. Fancy anything?" Spiritwind put the spectacle behind him and focused on his own plans.

"Get something to accompany a good film. I'm in the mood for some pointless stunts and explosions. I'll go and pick one." Brick similarly felt no further discussion of the event was required. He headed back to the living room, running their movie collection through his mind, all the time strolling with the wariness of an action hero in hostile lands.

"If we're having a film night I may just have to make a few special dips." Spiritwind rubbed his hands and began gathering ingredients.

"Film and dips. You can't tell me they aren't more fun than rolling round a garden. Well you can but expect to be called delusional in response...."

The two continued with their evening, happy living by their simple philosophy: the easy way is the obvious way. One day the world would bask in their wisdom, but for now it had nothing to offer the duo except disappointing glances.

Contents

### Chapter Nine

Zarg had returned to his family's living quarters and gone straight to his room. He'd been forced to leave the fairground canteen after large sections had been closed to deal with the brawl Don had started. Zarg brooded over the Dovwar pie he hadn't been able to fully enjoy.

Sat on his bed, staring out of the window, Zarg's frustration shifted to the scene of family bliss that had greeted him as he stomped through the living quarters. His mother had been cleaning to her favourite album. She'd paused from singing along to ask if he'd had a nice time. 'How could she be so insensitive to his moods? He clearly hadn't had a good time. His sullen nature should have made it obvious. Why did they continue to make it so hard to rebel against them'?

The sound of plates striking the dinner table interrupted his annoyance; it signalled the late meal of the day was ready. Zarg took a self pitying breath of air into his scorned lungs. He didn't see why he couldn't just eat in his room.

"ZARG." His mother sent the first notice that he had to come out and eat. Zarg saw it as the first shot of an argument and retaliated with silence.

"ZARG. FOOD'S READY." An extra level of threat sat within the tone this time.

"WHAT?" He knew exactly what, and why; however he felt it his teenage duty to make her work for his appearance.

"YOUR TEA'S ON THE TABLE." Doreen was prepared to accept it may be difficult to hear through the walls.

"RIGHT." It would take at least two more shouts before he'd even consider getting off his bed. He stared in to space, in the most literal of senses.

"COME ON. IT'S GETTING COLD." Technically a true statement, however it would take more than the three seconds between calls before it would be too cold to eat.

"RIGHT. I'M COMING." He smirked at his lack of movement.

"IT'LL BE TOO COLD TO EAT IF YOU DON'T HURRY." Doreen was relentless and well practised. The nightly script poured from her mouth effortlessly.

"MAYBE I LIKE IT COLD." Zarg hadn't meant to say the last sentence out loud. It was intended only for his appreciation. He'd strayed in to blatant cheek and knew it. He jumped off his bed as Doreen's reply came with the added sound of footsteps approaching his room.

"DON'T MAKE ME COME IN THERE." All the cards were on the table as Zarg folded and entered the living area.

The door opened to reveal a scene of sickening harmony. His father, Ted, sat at the head of the table swapping noises and snippets of conversation with his younger brother Edwin. Edwin sat in his high chair and waved all manner of plastic cutlery around. Doreen was heading towards Zarg's door. Upon seeing her son appear, her expression changed from annoyance to welcoming delight. She didn't wish to start a fight before they'd even sat down. She let his back chat go unmentioned but fired a glance with hardened eyes that Zarg understood perfectly.

"Come on son. Sit down while it's nice and hot." Doreen continued to flitter around the table, filling plates and rearranging dishes while entertaining Edwin. Zarg took his seat, opposite Edwin and between Ted and Doreen. Each family member had a side of the rectangular eating platform to themselves. "Have you had a fun day dear?" His mother continued to multi task whilst conversing.

"It was alright." Alright had never been designed to sound so negative.

Ted handed Edwin back his spoon for the ninth time and picked up the jug of water that sat on the table. He looked as though he wished to speak to his son but wanted to avoid confrontation. He raised his query in a friendly manner whilst filling everyone's glasses. "I hear there was a fracas in the cafeteria today?"

"Really." Zarg swung his legs uncaringly.

"I hope you weren't involved son." Ted had strayed towards accusation. He placed the jug down realising he was in dangerous territory where a volatile teenager was concerned.

"No." The answer came smothered in defensiveness.

"Only asking. It's just, you know that Don lad don't you?" Ted couldn't help but sound like an accusing father.

"So because I know somebody suddenly I'm involved in everything they do?" Zarg folded his arms and looked hurt.

"I'm not saying that. It's just that lads like Don have a knack for getting their friends in trouble. You were seen with Don just before the melee, which is the only reason I'm asking." This is exactly the path Ted had been trying to avoid going down.

"I don't know why you're even asking. You seem to think you know the answer already." This was exactly the path Zarg wished to be on.

"If you tell me you weren't involved then I'll fully believe you." Ted tried to appease the tantrum before it fully erupted. He looked towards Doreen for help.

"You shouldn't have to ask." Zarg sensed his father backing down.

"More Ginolium leaf dear?" Doreen intervened and offered her son the bowl of lemon flavoured leaves.

"No. I hate Ginolium leaves." The tantrum still pushed to come out.

"But you liked it last....." She realised the pointless battle she was entering. "I'll leave it here and you can help yourself if you want to."

"I won't." He would. Zarg loved the leaf of the Ginolium.

"Shall we start then?" Doreen ushered everyone to begin eating with the tone of a lady who genuinely believed everything was okay.

"Splendid." Edwin used one of only three words he knew. His outburst both lightened the mood and let everyone know he'd just worked out his dish can be turned upside down if needed.

Zarg picked up the bowl of Ginolium leaves and piled them on his plate. He considered taking them all to prove a point before realising it wouldn't prove anything. Doreen sensed he may be ready to participate in a normal conversation and dipped her toe in the verbal pool.

"Are you looking forward to the big day then? We should be landing in a harlen (seven hours)."

"Don't care."

"You must be a little excited to see your new home." She chose to persist.

"It's not even ours yet. We'll probably fail anyway. There'll be something that's been overlooked. Everyone knows you can't take over an Earth without a band of heroes coming together and working tirelessly in vain of their own safety for the sake of all others." Zarg filled his mouth with leaves and chewed. It was a long sentence in these days of huffs and grunts.

"Now, son." Ted used a more serious, adult tone to take up Zarg's point. "Our Commander spent many darnums (one darnum equals approx two weeks) working on this plan. It has been declared fool proof to the highest statistical levels our mathematics understands. We will succeed."

"Splendid." Edwin thought he may be able to help, and possibly get his spoon back from the floor.

"You see. Your brother agrees. The hero factor has been considered long and hard and has been practically eradicated by our ingenuity. It will be our new home." Ted intended his statement to be the last word on the matter. Zarg paused long enough for Ted to fill his mouth with food before adding his riposte.

"Practically eradicated implies not fully. We all know something will go wrong to give at least a few humans a fighting chance." Ted tried to reply but couldn't squeeze the words past his tea. Zarg continued. "If we're so confident the Earthlings will be immobile why are we still using our cloaking device upon landing?" Zarg felt confident in his logic as Ted swallowed quickly.

"It's standard operating procedure to always use a cloaking device when landing on a planet without atmosphere security. It is that level of preparation and attention to detail that will allow us to succeed." Ted swigged his water in the hope it would dislodge a chunk of leaf from his throat.

"You can't plan for everything. We studied humans in Movie History before leaving. Some coincidence will contrive to take advantage of our 'ingenuity."

"Are you aware of the kind of coincidence required to be left unaffected by our Time Displacement Beam?" Ted reverted to science to prove his point.

"More than aware father."

"Maybe I can offer an impartial opinion." Doreen had watched on for long enough. She wanted to be a part of the discussion, if only to be able to speak to her son in a normal fashion. "What would be needed?"

"Would you like to inform your mother?" Ted offered the explaining duties to Zarg.

"Not at all. Go ahead oh father of mine." Ted had to double check he wasn't being mocked before beginning. "The only way to avoid the beams power is if the person in question is within a twelve mile radius......"

"...That doesn't sound too difficult."

"I haven't finished dear."

"Oh sorry. Carry on."

"Thank you. If the person is in a twelve mile radius, and at the exact point of contact is wearing a cylindrical shaped helmet with differing sized ends that is surrounded by a strong life force." Doreen's face contorted as the words sank in. Her judgement was preceded by several seconds of silence.

"Well that doesn't sound very likely at all. More pie anyone?"

"If you ask me it's a blatant loophole." Zarg slipped back into sulking as Ted beamed smugly. Silence and general poking of food would be the teenager's response.

"Splendid." Edwin needed to learn some new words.

Contents

### Chapter Ten

"You know I hate it when we argue." Fate had been on the phone to his girlfriend Karma for the last forty minutes, trying to smooth out the days misunderstanding. Finally they were passing compliments rather than trying to score points.

"I do too. It's only because I love you so much." Karma's tone suggested she was fully appeased. Fate couldn't be happier. His body ached from the hung-over day's injuries. All he wanted to do was relax before the mission to save the Earth began, and he knew no better place to do so than Fut's house.

"I love you too. As much as I hate to say goodbye I have to go. I'm at Fut's door." Strictly speaking Fate was still a short distance away, but he knew the drawn out pleasantries would take up the travelling time.

"Okay then. You have a nice time tonight and I'll see you in the morning."

"Will do. You have a good night too." Fate began speaking in a slightly lower voice to accentuate the fact he was going.

"I will. Well done again on achieving your goal." Karma whipped what little momentum the conversation had left in to another sentence.

"Thank you my cherry toast." Fate continued to use parting tones.

"You're so sweet. Sorry about the misunderstanding."

"It doesn't matter. Honestly." Fate could see Fut's garden approaching.

"Okay then. Love you loads and loads." Karma really wasn't picking up the hints.

"All that love put in a box and posted back with a little extra." He tried to emphasise the need to go without any hint of wanting to.

"I'll see you tomorrow then." Now she was just repeating herself.

"Okay. Can't wait." Fate approached Fut's gate. "I'm going to go then. Bye, bye."

"Bye, bye." The usual round of goodbyes continued to spin for far longer than necessary. By the time Fate had put the phone down he stood with his finger hovering over Fut's doorbell. As one button ended the call another button requested a door to open. The familiar bass line of Fut's doorbell trickled through to the step. By the time it was answered Fate had quite a rhythm going between his head and toes.

"Fate. My fellow in the know." Fut's smile shone out from his six and a half foot frame, nearer seven if you included his perfectly geometric afro. His welcoming demeanour transcended his imposing bulk. "Enter my abode and let the stress fall from your mind, body and clothes. May I furnish you with a drink to warm you from the soul to your soles?"

Fate walked the well worn path to Fut's living room as the day's stresses fell further away with each step. The friendly giant closed the door and strolled behind. "I wouldn't mind one of your cocktails." Fate had learnt nothing from the previous night.

"Consider the pleasure mine." The pair entered the living room, a haven of relaxation. Every method of seating offered a different way to enjoy the act of sitting. Fate headed straight for the newest addition to the room, a double hammock across one corner littered with cushions each as big as a child. Fut glided to the other corner where a fully stocked bar awaited his presence.

Fut's role upon the Earth was to spread calm and relaxation; however his dress sense and approach to life had morphed his role into the more generic term of spreading 'cool', a term even he didn't understand. The ancient phrase 'cool as Fut' had morphed as it passed from the concepts into the human language.

Fut's clothes appeared to float around his frame rather than be worn, his various beatnik accessories acquired through life events rather than bought, a life that appeared to have spanned just over thirty years. His shades allowed his honesty through while remaining unpretentious and somehow fitting, even indoors at night. He was a man that made everyone feel instantly at ease, and like an old friend within minutes of meeting for the first time.

Fate found comfort on the hammock without any effort. Fut continued adding ingredients to the cocktail as the wounded visitor let his eyes wander around the room. Every inch had been filled with something of visual interest, one side flowing effortlessly into the other. Fate never tired of exploring the numerous shelves and cabinets filled with trinkets and curious objects. The lighting finished off the effect, offering clarity of vision in a subtle and understated manner. Fut walked across to Fate, delivering his drink as the all seeing concept rocked gently back and forth on the cloth bed.

"The beverage to remove all ills." Even Fut's speech pattern was soothing, falling effortlessly from within with an air of rhythmic poetry.

"I've been dreaming of this moment all day. Thank you." Fate took the drink with an enormous smile while Fut retreated to a corner of cushions. It allowed his long legs the freedom to move whilst experiencing all the comfort of a sofa. They both took a moment to themselves as the music Fut had been listening to rippled through their bodies. Fate sipped his drink and lay back. The taste left him speechless as every part of him released the day's tension.

After several minutes of comfortable silence the track came to an end allowing a natural gap for conversation. Fut began.

"My mind can only presume from your presence that you did all that needed to be done?" The next track began with an un-intrusive beat.

"Only just; I'm not trying to wing it again. It nearly went horribly wrong." Fate took another sip of his cocktail to dampen the memory of near disaster.

"Those words fall from your lips every time, but I never see you planning when the wheel of opportunity turns back round."

"Well I definitely won't try and wing it with a headache and half the hospital's bandage supply around my head, next time." Fate pointed to his ever failing headwear.

"As painful as Irony's point was to prove, she does own the rights. The viewer of all before us should see the lamp post at the end of his nose."

Fate sat up vaguely purposefully. "Turns out I saw that wrong too. It wasn't Irony. It was Karma."

"Your good lady is the source of all that blood?" Fut raised his eyebrows. It was as surprised as he got.

"Seems so. She was out with Irony and saw us walking past. Thinks I was leering at a girl. I don't know where she gets these ideas from."

"That lady in blue was a delight for the mind." Fut dropped back into his memories for another glance.

"She was indeed." Fate fell into his own memory before realising Karma may get wind of it. "Purely from an aesthetic sense of course, no desire enters my mind. I'm attached. Happily I may add."

"No defence required in my abode my forward seeing friend. Karma ain't beneath my cushions waiting for round two." Fut took another swig of his own cocktail.

"You can never be sure." Fate fell back in to a more comfortable position. "Karma wasn't happy at all. I made it worse when she rang while I was following Penelope Herbert. I failed to explain she was my assignment for the day."

"Should I presume her understanding nature was out to lunch?"

Fate answered by pulling up the arm of his top to reveal a badly bruising elbow. Fut recoiled in sympathy and changed the subject. "Will tomorrow still roll the same, or be there some schedule changes I need to know?"

"It's all still the same as far as I'm concerned. I've told everyone who's invited to be at the top of Noel hill by about eleven tomorrow."

"How about those that ain't been told to show?" Fut continued to bob his head to the music.

"I've booked them in to the Moon's indoor beach resort. Said there's some essential maintenance work required on Earth. Want to keep the elite assistance team to a minimum."

"Who may I enquire reaches the grade of elite?" Fut stood to pour a refill. He strolled across to Fate to collect his empty glass and headed back to the bar.

"Thanks. You and me, Karma obviously, which meant I had to invite Irony."

"The politics of relations is a tricky pond to cross." Fut did a little spin as he released a few cherries from their stalks.

"More of a bog than a pond. I've tried everything to get along with her but she just refuses. I really don't know why Karma's friends with her."

"The bonds of friendship don't tie themselves with knots of logic."

"Very true. Coincidence is coming too."

"How be that brother of yours?"

"Same as usual, gliding on the edge of effort. I've invited They as well." Fate stopped counting on his fingers and accepted his second cocktail of the increasingly hazy night.

"They? That ain't a name I expected to hear." Fut's query came without malice or judgement.

"When you meet the two humans we're helping you'll see why. I think their and They's ramblings will find a common bond."

"Two humans in the vain of They. My mind looks forward to sharing a space."

"I'm just looking forward to it all being over and still having a job at the end of it."

"Each man's goal is his own mountain to climb. How steep and rugged is the test of ambition."

"Hmm. I think that's everyone." Fate had closed his eyes and let the alcohol and music take over.

"It sounds like a can do team." Fut did the same and nestled into the cushions, reaching a hand to the volume control on the way. He moved the music from background noise to all encompassing as the soft beats and curious sounds took over the air, filling every inch with an aural massage. Each sense experienced the sounds, all concurring that any muscles that were tensing should stop, relax for a while, and allow life to flow by without worry. Whatever the next day brought it would be dealt with there and then, for now only serenity existed.

Contents

### Chapter Eleven

An arm appeared from beneath Brick's duvet. He was pleased to discover it was his own, yet slightly saddened it wasn't that of an exotic lady. It darted back to the warmth as soon as it had relieved the alarm clock of the waking duty it had been about to perform. Brick had been watching the digital display for the last eight minutes, each numerical progression tearing another strip of will from his heart. As the moment to rise came, the full intensity of the duvet's comfort struck home, pinning him to the bed and begging him not to leave. Tears began forming in the corner of Brick's eyes as tiredness threw more weight behind the quilt's pleas. He agreed to one last hit of rest and closed his eyes for an extended blink.

Six minutes later a knock on the door interrupted Brick's mistaken slumber. It was Spiritwind.

"Bathroom's free." Spiritwind had cleansed his body and headed downstairs to take on hunger.

"Really." Brick no longer had a viable reason to stay in bed. He would always wait for Spiritwind to finish before getting up. He took a soothing pleasure from hearing other people perform their daily hygiene rituals while he remained at rest. At times it enhanced his level of comfort to a sensation akin to floating. 'One more minute.' He thought to himself. 'The next time the clock display changes I'll be up and dressed in seconds.' He poked half a foot out from under the cover. A gentle nip in the air made its retreat instant. Making a mental note of where his clothes lay, and the order they should be visited, he gripped the corner of the duvet and waited for the time to change.

The mattress factory the pair were currently temping in provided overalls, meaning the journey to and from work occurred in the pairs own style. Both opted for their favourite jeans and T-shirt combination. Brick added a threadbare cardigan that had been worn until it had grown as natural as a second layer of skin, and Spiritwind adopted a jumper that gave comfort and practicality over aesthetic pleasure.

Spiritwind heard four clear thuds emanating from upstairs. The final one was the biggest and seemed to incorporate a piece of furniture. It coincided with the toaster releasing its burden. Spiritwind gave the newly heated bread a moment to seal itself before applying the butter. He used the time to remove the numerous sausages from the heat of the grill. He prided himself on his ability to give a sausage an even colour around its entirety. 'Breakfast is good.' He thought to himself as Brick could be heard stumbling into the bathroom. 'Not as good as teatime. Anything goes at teatime. Neither quantity nor quality could be criticised when it came to the evening meal. And it held such a wide window of opportunity; anytime between four and ten 'o' clock. What a deal.' Spiritwind continued musing until interrupted by Brick careering down the stairs and into the kitchen.

Brick had a simple routine in the morning: up, dressed, cleaned, pint of water, work, mumble at people, dinner, and wake up. Being up, dressed, and cleaned, he stood at the tap waiting for the water to chill enough to down a pint of it.

"Are you ready?" Spiritwind stood at the door with two sausages in his mouth and a sandwich large enough to worry a hungry mammoth.

"Just the one minute required." Brick egged the tap on with his body motion.

"I my friend would give you all the minutes I possess, however I do not drive the bus which is due at this very moment, and so we must hurry." Spiritwind took an enormous bite to punctuate his sentence then left the house ahead of his friend.

Brick turned off the tap and opened his throat to allow the reviving liquid access to his stomach and various vital organs. The empty pint pot sat on the draining board as Brick turned. "Right then, let's go and see what the day has planned."

Walking at a pace commonly known as 'about to miss the bus,' Brick hurried through the open front door, pulling it hard enough to close behind him. Checking his pockets, and fly, as he travelled took most of his attention, which is a shame as it would have prevented him from walking into the back of a stationary Spiritwind.

"What the...." Brick had no time to launch a protest as Spiritwind had something to say.

"Did you put that there?" He nodded towards the front garden.

"What?" Brick checked for injuries. He tried to recall the symptoms for concussion.

"That." The few remnants of the sandwich became a tool for pointing.

"Wha...Oh that. No. Did you?"

"No. Why would I ask if you did it if I did it?"

"Double bluff?" Brick had no reason to suspect such a thing, he just liked saying words.

"Who's to say you're not triple bluffing?" Spiritwind entered Brick's world of logic.

"I'm not even sure what a triple bluff would entail never mind do one." The pair stood in perplexed silence as the bus trundled past the garden without stopping to ask if they needed it or not. The pair took a moment to acknowledge the fact. Neither wanted to suggest running to try and catch it.

"We've missed the bus." Spiritwind verbalised the conclusion without removing his gaze from the object in their garden.

"Looks like we've got the day off then; if I'm quick enough me bed will still be warm." Brick beamed as he turned to the door.

"You can help me carry this in first." Spiritwind approached the neon sign that had found its way to their home.

"Well of course. That's what I meant. Once we've carried this inside." Brick didn't know what he was saying or why.

The pair moved to either end of the mysterious pulsating sign. It declared the name of the club it used to be attached to: Flashin' Passion. Unfortunately the neon gases that powered the declaration were no match for the sun, even on this cloudy morning. It blinkered pathetically with no explanation as to where its energy came from.

"You get the 'F' end and I'll handle the 'sion." Spiritwind took the role of organiser.

"The 'F' end looks like the heavy end." There was no visible difference. Brick was just being tetchy.

"I'll grab the 'F' end if you phone in sick for us." Spiritwind negotiated expertly.

"Sounds fair." Brick enjoyed phoning in sick. "Are there any excuses left in the hat?" Brick secured his grip on the 'sion' end of the sign.

"There should be a few left. Right. After three." Spiritwind braced himself.

"How long after three?" Brick needed some specifics.

"Imagine I were to carry on to four at the pace I'd established with the first three numbers. Rather than say four we shall lift."

"So on four then?" It shouldn't be this hard.

"No because there won't be a four."

"There's an unspoken four." Brick wasn't entirely sure of the point he was trying to prove, but he was determined to prove it anyway.

"Your bed gets colder every second we crouch here."

"Good point." Brick stood up effortlessly. "It isn't heavy at all." He started to drag the object to the door, leaving Spiritwind to lift and follow in one stumbling movement. "I didn't think it could be that heavy if it had been dragged here from town."

"Then why...?" Spiritwind didn't want to get in to it.

Brick opened the front door. The two shuffled into the hallway.

"In here?" Brick's nod in the direction of the dining room received an agreed look to the ceiling. No dining ever occurred within the room leaving its label something of a lie. Usually it held things that would otherwise get in the way. The item was logged and leant against the far wall.

"We'll have to think of a use for that." Brick's sincerity was admirable even if the motivation to see it through was absent.

"I'm sure we will." Spiritwind's cynical tone sat nearer the truth.

"Right. Phone call." Brick picked up an old cloth hat that sat next to the phone. Spiritwind quickly visited the kitchen to grab a few packets of food that required minimum preparation before heading to the living room for some morning television.

Only one tightly screwed up ball of paper remained in the hat. Brick kept Spiritwind informed. "There's only one left."

"It's an easy choice then. Don't cheat by having a cheeky look first." Spiritwind idled past with various glistening packets.

"As if I would." He would.

By the time Brick had remembered the number, and dialled it, Spiritwind was already on his first lap of the television's numerous channels. Brick kept his hungry compatriot informed. "It's ringing."

"You're not cheating are you?"

"No. The tightness remains embedded in the pap..oh hello. May I speak to Mr Finnigan please?..........Yes of course. It's Brick Wall........Yes Wall.......No it's not a wind up.......Thank you." He covered one end of the receiver. "She's putting me through. She sounds lovely."

"She's probably sixty; age and stone."

"And I'll bet she...morning Mr Flanagan. How are you this wonderful morning?......Me? I'm fine. Well not entirely fine. That's why I'm ringing.........Of course there's a perfectly good reason." Brick struggled to unfold the paper and maintain the natural flow of the conversation, leading to verbal filler. "Myself and Mr Spiritwind Jones will be unable to attend work today because..." Finally the words revealed themselves. "...there's a large, scary looking dog on our doorstep which is refusing to let us leave the house.........Yes I agree........Ridiculous is a word........That's a fine suggestion Mr Flanagan. We'll definitely try it.........Goodbye then." Brick smiled as he entered the living room.

"Which one was it?"

"Scary dog on doorstep." Brick took up his position on his armchair.

"Was that one of mine?" Spiritwind had given up flicking channels and settled on rolling news.

"Couldn't say. I don't remember writing it but that means nothing does it." Brick observed the television before searching for more comfort in his chair.

"What did Mr Flanagan say?"

"He said we should poke it through the letterbox with a stick."

"Surely that would only serve to infuriate the beast." Spiritwind thought one last flick through the channels may reveal something he'd missed.

"We both know this to be true, but Mr Flanagan does not live our wise lives, a fact he may come to rue when attacked by an infuriated dog on his doorstep. What did the weather say it would be like?" Brick had almost settled on a position. Only his head struggled to find the required support.

"I've no idea. They started talking about yesterday. I could tell them what happened yesterday. I don't watch the weather to find out what I already know. My fury caused me to stop listening and flick instead."

"The weather report's a tricky beast. It wants commitment from you. They throw you off the scent by filling the first few minutes with statistics and completely irrelevant information. Then, just as your interest wanes and you start daydreaming, they announce today and tomorrow's weather in a flash before moving on to next week. By the time you realise you were meant to be paying attention it's too late and they're informing you of Berlin's rainfall three weeks last Tuesday. You have to give it your life for that few moments or reap the punishment." Brick's rant served to find the perfect position for his head.

"They should place a clothing symbol in the corner of the screen: a t-shirt of an afternoon leading to a light pullover as night rolls in. Then you're free to watch all the technical jargon if you wish, but those that don't can simply find out the relevant information and move on with the day." Spiritwind found a few emergency chocolate bars down the side of the sofa. He added them to his buffet.

"I agree. Why the world doesn't come to us to solve these little problems is beyond me." Brick closed his eyes.

"I thought you couldn't wait to go to bed?"

"It turns out I could."

"You're not going to sleep are you?" Spiritwind couldn't decide what to eat first.

"Not at all mate." Brick had no choice in the matter. Comfort of such stature could only ever lead to sleep.

"Well if you do, on your head be it. There's a good chance I'll get bored in a while." He opted for the giant cookie.

"Life brings what it wishes." Brick felt his mind disappear into the realm of the subconscious. It felt like home.

Contents

### Chapter Twelve

As the Jefferian fleet approached the Earth the spacecraft's numerous windows filled with curious green faces, keen to ogle their bounty. The ship leading the way contained the Time Displacement Beam, the key to their plan succeeding, and a porthole bearing the face of Zarg. The teenage alien had retreated to his room, suitably smug that he would be proved right and his peoples' attempted takeover would fail, but as he stared down at the blue orb he momentarily hoped he was wrong.

The textbooks and simulations hadn't come close to re-creating the sensation that emanated from the rock. The sheer visual beauty of the Earth was enough to weaken Zarg's cynical hatred, the overwhelming feeling of life and vibrancy threatened genuine emotion. The aura of hope and drive to discover reached out from the planet and snatched a gasp from Zarg's lungs. He stood motionless, caught in its glare. One side of the orb consumed by the Sun's glow, the light not so much reflecting as dancing gleefully away; the other in a darkness that evoked curiosity over fear. Zarg's hypnotic interest shattered, the sound of approaching footsteps reminding him he was meant to be sulking. He leapt on to his bed and lay face down as Doreen entered. She continued to knock on the door whilst swinging it open.

"Have you seen the Earth dear? It's within viewing range." Doreen's eternal chirpiness had to be admired.

"No. I couldn't care less." Zarg kicked the bed in frustration. It was only aimed at his own stubborn nature.

"Come and see. It's lovely isn't it, Ted?" Doreen called in to the living quarters to her husband. He was busy showing Edwin the Earth. Edwin only cared about his reflection in the window. The baby alien that stared back was able to predict every move he made. If he knew more words he'd call the police. "Ted dear. Isn't it lovely?" She tried again.

"What is? Oh the Earth. Yes, delightful." Ted struggled to keep hold of Edwin, retrieve all the objects he continued to throw on the floor, and hold a conversation.

"Why don't you come and join us? We're lucky to have such a big window. You may as well use it." Doreen sat on Zarg's bed.

"I'm fine. I just want to be on my own." Zarg's head remained buried in the duvet.

"If that's what you want." Doreen stroked the visible side of her son's head and stood up. "We'll be in the living quarters whenever you feel ready."

"Maybe later." It was the closest they were going to come to an agreement. Doreen took it as a positive and headed back to Ted and Edwin, leaving the door ajar.

Zarg cursed his quilt. It was as good as anything else to curse. With the door slightly open he couldn't return to his own window without being seen, but he desperately wanted to continue watching the planet grow. Wrestling with teenage pride he eventually conceded and strolled into the living room, shoulders fully hunched. Nobody noticed his arrival until he stood six feet away. Doreen and Ted were pointing outside in an attempt to amuse Edwin. Edwin felt above such humour and remained content chewing a plastic model of Dovwar pie.

"Look who has come to join us." Doreen spotted her eldest son and welcomed him with genuine joy. Zarg reciprocated the sentiment with a scrunch of his nose. He tightened the muscles further in an effort to hide the smile that almost escaped.

"Hello son. Had a good rest?" Ted held Edwin slightly tighter as the youngest family member convulsed with joy. Neither Ted nor Edwin had any idea what inspired such a mood swing. Zarg only offered a huff in response. It suggested Ted didn't understand the agony he was going through.

"Terrific." It was that, splendid, or tapestry, from Edwin's current vocabulary.

Zarg took his place at the large window pointing towards Earth. As a family they stood in silence and reflected on the memories yet to be formed. Within a few minutes Zarg had forgotten all his problems with his parents and reverted to a time when communication between the two sides was pleasant and informative.

"When can we go down there, dad?"

"Erm...." Ted felt a sense of caution. It could be a trap leading to another strop. "We should be in position within eight or nine nolars (half an hour), then the Time Displacement Beam will take another eight or nine nolars to warm up, but once fired it's only a matter of clintocks (seconds) before the beam will take effect and we can ready the landing parties." A sense of hope filled Ted. No interruptions felt like something of a victory.

"So within the next forty nolars we should be able to explore?" Zarg spoke without venom or any hint of an intention to argue.

"I'd say that was about right, son."

"Eight or nine nolars to warm up a beam? That sounds like an awfully long time. You could cook the greatest of all Dovwar pies in that time." Doreen thought out loud. It served to spark more friendly conversation.

"It's a very complex beam dear." Ted tried to explain as Edwin began to doze.

"Yes mother. We're shifting time not shooting cans from a wall." Zarg commented without any sense of patronising or malice.

"Oh." She looked back out the window before thinking of something else. "I thought we were stopping time not shifting it?"

"The effect is the same as stopping it if you're a human, but technically we're shifting it." Ted spoke in a low voice so not to stir Edwin.

"So what's the difference?" She didn't know why she persisted. Her mind had already turned to keeping Edwin awake. A sleep now wouldn't help anyone later.

"I explained this to you last night."

"Did you? I don't remember that." She brushed Edwin's face, delicate enough to convey affection but annoying enough to stir him. Ted felt explaining the time issue would be easier than arguing over whether he'd already told her.

"Are you listening this time?"

"Yes." Doreen was already miles away.

"We can't stop time, this is impossible...." Ted saw his wife beginning to mouth why. "...There simply isn't time to explain right now why it's impossible, but believe me when I say it is." Both parties were satisfied. Doreen wished she'd never asked. The soaps were on soon. "From birth all creatures learn to perceive the world around them, be it through vision, sound, touch or any other sense. Time is equally learned. Over the course of a life we tune ourselves in to the language, social etiquette, and time that surround us."

"Like the radio." Doreen hoped showing her grasp of the subject would speed up the explanation.

"Exactly. Like the radio. We on the planet Jeffery have grown up 'tuned' in to a different time to the Earth, and our Time Displacement Beam allows us to implant that time over theirs. Science has shown that only one time can exist in any one place, so keeping to the radio analogy we will be able to walk around 'hearing' our station perfectly while they will be unable to 'hear' theirs." Zarg shared a congratulatory nod with his dad.

"Is that what all that Earth time training we did was for?" Doreen continued to speak rather than say 'okay I understand'.

"Yes. That will allow us to walk around in both times and negotiate with the humans."

"Well that sounds marvellous." She took Edwin from Ted. The face stroking only served to relax him further. She threw away all subtlety and used words over actions. "Look Edwin. Look at the big blue rock."

"Tapestry." Edwin began kicking and writhing once more. It seemed a suitable last word on the matter as Doreen headed towards the television, leaving Ted and Zarg to continue staring towards an as yet untold future.

Contents

### Chapter Thirteen

In Brick's mind, life contained an injustice the world needed to address: being woken up before the body deemed itself ready. Who decided the world had to wake up at dawn? If dawn couldn't be bothered to stick to a consistent time he didn't see why he should. He continued ranting within the confines of his own head as he drifted back towards full consciousness. His nap was coming to a close, but not without a fight.

Reality slowly defeated dreams, winning the battle for Brick's focus. It had been helped by Spiritwind's repeated mischief. The bald one had once more adorned his peer with the required yoghurt bucket paraphernalia. Spiritwind believed his friend would not suspect lightning could strike twice in such a short space of time.

The hungry man crouched patiently around eight feet away from his prey; bucket firmly on head, spoon in yoghurt, and all senses awaiting any signs of his friend waking. This time Brick wouldn't be given such an easy chance of escape. What Spiritwind didn't realise was Brick was fully awake and had worked out exactly what his friend was up to. The seemingly dozing man lay motionless, plotting his response, fully aware his nemesis sat only a few feet hence.

The foetal position Brick had fallen asleep in had slowly unfurled. His limbs were now stretched beyond the boundaries of the armchair leaving him draped on his back across both arms and the seat. It would make any instant evasion manoeuvres difficult, but not impossible.

Brick ran through a series of dives and rolls in his head before alerting his body to the sequence he would require very soon. The body wondered who he was talking to because there was no way it could do such things without some form of training. Meanwhile Spiritwind debated sitting back on the sofa. His ankle had started tingling. He could either give up or poke Brick in the ribs to get things moving. As the ankle considered using severe pain to sway the decision a deep breath emanated from the Brick, quickly followed by an attempted somersault.

The acrobatics hadn't gone well. A somersault isn't usually defined as convulsing an inch into the air before landing face first on the floor, but in Brick's bucket covered mind it had been spectacular. Spiritwind had pieced together enough clues, without the aid of vision, to know Brick was lay prone in front of him, slightly winded. Without mercy Spiritwind released his entire pot in four swift strikes. Brick could only roll around and take the pummelling. Believing his evasive manoeuvres to be dodging the missiles with unerring grace, Brick retaliated with three strikes of his own. Every shot from both combatants had been a direct hit.

Assuming the victory to be his, Spiritwind stood and raised his arms in a victory salute, turning his back on his friend to bask in the imaginary crowds glow. Brick knew nothing of the presumed defeat and launched his final overloaded spoonful of yoghurt with every winded ounce of energy he had. It struck his opponents bucket at an angle, sending it spinning wildly. Spiritwind yelped in response.

The bald misfit clasped at the bucket and doubled over in agony just as the room began to shake. The disruption wasn't enough to dislodge any precariously placed items, but would make you wonder where the previous stillness had gone. It was accompanied by a sound so deep it could only be felt. The Jefferians had fired their Time Displacement Beam; however Brick was only interested in the game.

"Do I detect the yelp of a man who has forgotten to protect his scalp from bucket burn?" Brick interpreted his opponent's misfortune to perfection. Spiritwind would usually wear a protective wig to avoid direct contact between his bald head and the metal bucket. Spiritwind believed his victory would be swift and simple and had left the wig in the cupboard.

"Oooh. Maybe, maybe not. Have you got any ammo left?" The pain seeped through Spiritwind's words like syrup through a cheap cloth.

"Did complacency lead to a lack of preparation?" Spiritwind gripped his bucket in pain as Brick teased.

"Maybe we should call it a draw until we find out what this strange rumbling and shaking is." Spiritwind gritted his teeth as he negotiated.

"What shaking and, oh yeah I hadn't noticed that."

"How could you not notice it? I'm struggling to stand." Spiritwind wobbled without vision to stabilise himself.

"That's why my lay down position is so ingenious."

"You fell off the chair." Spiritwind's fists clenched, along with his face, to release the agony. The urge to rub the top of his head grew unbearable.

"I think you'll find I dismounted from the chair." The rumbling stopped. "Has it stopped or have I gone deaf? Actually I heard myself say that. Or did I just hear myself think it?" Brick lost himself as Spiritwind's need grew.

"I'm going to call a halt to the game due to a natural disaster. I'm removing my helmet to check for damage." Spiritwind removed his helmet and rubbed his head furiously.

"I think we need to consult the rule book on this one." Brick removed his bucket and laughed at his friend. He stopped giggling as he sat up and inspected his own helmet. "You've covered every inch of it. How could that be? I was evading you like a dodge master." He moved closer to the bucket before jerking his head back. "More importantly what have you covered it with? That is foul."

"What?" Spiritwind picked up his bucket while resting the cold side of his hand on the growing red patch on top of his head. "I'd say mine's pretty much covered too....woah. That is a smell." Spiritwind put the improvised helmet back down. "It was the live stuff from the back of the cupboard. It went off last week so I thought we'd better use it."

"So how do we decide who's won?" Brick kept one hand on his nose, more to accentuate the odour than to prevent it.

"Perhaps we should investigate the rumbling and come back to the buckets?" Spiritwind checked his hand for blood. He was disappointed to find nothing. A heroic trickle is always good for the image.

"Okay, but we will find out who won. Two unresolved games in two days will not look good in the official records." Brick spoke defiantly. No defiance was required.

"We both agreed the first game was a draw."

"Did we? Did we really?" Brick still yearned for his sock to be cleaned.

"Let's not get in to that again. Should we go outside and investigate this disturbance?"

"Why outside?" Remnants of Brick's defiance remained in his tone.

"Because we're inside and we don't know what's going on, so we may as well go outside and see if that helps. Plus there's no yoghurt making me feel a little sick outside." Spiritwind's logic seemed watertight.

"I'll agree, but only because I can't think of a reason to disagree." Brick wanted his reason made clear.

"We're agreed then."

The duo headed to the front door. Brick grabbed the handle with one hand and the lock with the other, neither moved. He tried again, still nothing.

"The door's playing up." Brick turned for assistance.

"In what sense?" Spiritwind believed specifics may help.

"In the sense it won't open. How many ways can a door play up?"

"Might not close properly?"

"It is closed though." Brick had a point.

Spiritwind took over the handle and found the same problem. He looked at the door from several angles and scratched his chin. The throbbing red patch on his head stole all sense of credibility from his efforts to look like an authority on the matter.

"What do you think?" Brick tired of the charade.

"Maybe there's a big, strong man on the other side holding it shut." It wasn't the reply of a professional.

"Maybe there's a really small guy wedged beneath it?" A counter diagnosis emerged.

"Maybe a really big man has wedged a really small man underneath it?" Spiritwind offered a compromise. The two giggled for a few moments before congratulating each other. Brick wiped his eye and sighed before speaking.

"Shall we go outside then?" He turned to the door, oblivious to their previous efforts.

"After you." Spiritwind awaited his friend's realisation.

Brick encountered the problem again. He looked knowingly, shrugged with his eyes and pointed at the door. Spiritwind offered a solution.

"We need to check nothing's in the way. Have a look through the letterbox."

"Not after last time. I told you I'm never putting my face near that thing again. We'll go upstairs and look out the window. Check for men of mismatched sizes playing tricks on the neighbourhood." Brick turned triumphantly and marched up the stairs. "To the upper floor." Spiritwind followed, towards his friend's room.

Brick strode purposefully into his room and straight to the curtains. Peering through the window behind them would confirm or deny their theory. He intended to fling the cloth barrier open with a well practised flourish. He put all his effort in to the display. It wasn't often his flings had an audience to appreciate them, even if it was only Spiritwind.

Jabbing his fingers at the point the curtains overlapped, Brick quickly discovered their new static nature. Without time objects had no dimension to achieve motion. Falling to his knees, Brick mouthed his pain without sound. His hands stayed firmly in front of his face, afraid to move in case it was the last thing they did. Spiritwind ignored his friend's plight and investigated the curtains. An exploratory poke confirmed they were rigid.

"Your curtains are like stone. Why would you have such firm curtains?" Spiritwind looked down at his friend, popping a cherry bomb in his mouth while enquiring.

"I don't know." The reply came in the form of a prolonged whimper.

Spiritwind left his friend to recover and further investigated the oddness. Poking various objects quickly revealed a theme to the room. While Spiritwind worked on his thesis the feeling returned to Brick's fingers. He could think of nothing but vengeance against the curtains that had wronged him. Jumping up, Brick searched for his hammer. He felt owning such a thing allowed him to claim he had a tool kit, an essential part of any mans' journey to adulthood. Spotting the handle beneath a pile of clothes, Brick stormed across the room to retrieve it. Taking a firm grasp of the bludgeoning device his mind turned and began the journey back to the offending house ware, unfortunately his body stayed attached to the hammer, and the hammer stayed attached to the floor. Brick's refusal to release his grip saw him join it on the carpet. Spiritwind peered over his friend and revealed his conclusion.

"Everything's stuck. Nothing will move."

"You tell me this now." Brick struggled back to his feet. "Seen as you know everything why do I keep ending up on the floor?"

"It's because you're tall. Tall people are clumsy; something to do with limbs and not knowing where they are." Spiritwind turned and left the room. Brick closed his eyes and tried to locate all his limbs. He briefly lost his left elbow before Spiritwind interrupted.

"Did you close the kitchen window last night?"

"Of course; I take our security incredibly seriously." Brick couldn't remember.

"I was just thinking it would be quite useful if you hadn't, could be the only way out." Brick shot past Spiritwind. The blur was followed a few moments later by a smug whoop. The window was open.

"Feel free to thank me and my incompetence whenever you're ready." Brick cried back from the kitchen as Spiritwind approached it. By the time he entered, Brick was dancing outside.

"Join me and breathe raw freedom. I'd forgotten how fresh, air could be."

Spiritwind clambered on to the draining board to reach the window. "You don't think you're exaggerating a little."

"Of course I am. Where's the fun in depicting a situation realistically?"

"Fair point." Spiritwind placed one foot on the tap and pushed himself through the window. Landing without any hassle he straightened his clothes, dislodging a fizzy chew from his pocket in the process. "Shall we go and investigate then?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

"I'd always ask. I'm polite like that."

"You're never polite."

"Politeness is subjective to culture......."

The bickering continued as the adventure began. Where it would end was of greater concern to humanity and all its fans.

Contents

### Chapter Fourteen

The various concepts had convened on Noel Hill: the mound of earth that sat at the edge of Puddleton. Arriving at slightly differing times the three pairings sat at different stages of the ascent. Irony and Karma led the way, chatting incessantly. Fate, who had replaced his bandage with a barely noticeable plaster, and Fut, followed around forty feet behind whilst Coincidence and They assumed a position at the rear. Fate and Fut's natural pace saw them catch Irony and Karma within a few minutes. As they came within social range Karma turned to hug Fate, a lunge he initially mistook for a right hook. Passing off his flinch he completed the clinch. Irony folded her arms and tutted.

"Morning, my sweet darling. What better way to start the day than with a stroll through nature?" Karma posed the question with a smile, looking deep in to Fate's eyes. He forced all the love he could muster into his orbs. He liked Karma in this mood and was prepared to do or say anything to keep her that way.

Karma was attractive in both a classical and matter of fact sense. Her blonde hair invited intelligence based mockery, her flame riddled eyes threatened retaliation for any that showed up. Seemingly in her early twenties she was always slightly ahead of fashion, her appearance being a matter of pride. As her and Fate locked arms and walked ahead, Irony kicked the grass. Irony was pretty in a more understated manner, only her discontented expression detracted from her visual appeal. Giving the impression of a similar age to her friend she believed life was against her, and although she would try to keep up with Karma's 'of the moment' image, she wasn't overly interested and only joined in for something to talk about. Fut became Irony's new walking and conversation partner.

"My lady, Irony; how's life hanging from those pretty shoulders?"

"Are you asking how I am? Because you can just say that you know." She took out her frustration at Fate, on Fut.

"I just open my mouth and let the words fall through the air, my apologies to your ears if they offend on their journey." The pause for hugs and pleasantries had allowed Coincidence and They the chance to catch up too. Fut welcomed them, hoping it wouldn't be taken with the same level of insult Irony had assumed. "My gentle men, how's the morning from your side of the pie?"

"Pretty tasty. Good morning Irony." Coincidence answered first. He tried to tease a smile from the seething lady. There was something between the two but neither could be sure if it was hatred or love. Every meeting threatened to clarify their feelings, only to ultimately leave them both more confused than when they started.

Coincidence shared his brother's propensity towards a standard appearance only with a longer face. He was slightly skinnier than Fate and sailed closer to the current trends. Although equally difficult to age he always looked a few years younger than his sibling.

"Morning Coincidence, morning They." Irony sneered a greeting back. Her accompanying glance flitted between passion and turmoil.

"Morning all." They waved his hand as his face pondered something different entirely.

They worked as a rumour spreader on Earth. Being such social animals humans continually search for conversation when placed together, however they're not always equipped with the topics required to maintain tittle tattle. They worked to fill the world with pointless information and tales of vague interest that can be used to keep the social wheels turning. It also stopped everyone driving themselves insane wondering what was really going on with this whole life business.

Physically, They was a decent height but not overly so. His build was practical without need for comment. His hair would grow until it became a nuisance then be cut, leaving him always at some stage of the same cycle. Currently it was long enough to fall across his eyes, but controllable enough to be pushed away to allow vision. His dress sense attracted neither plaudits nor detractors, sitting in the middle of a fashion world he had no interest in. He gave the impression of being both a young looking thirty old and an old looking twenty year old at the same time.

"My man, They. Your face looks fuller than the sky on a stormy Tuesday. Care to rain those thoughts down?" Sensing Irony and Coincidence wished to walk together Fut engaged They and continued the amble up Noel hill, leaving the emotionally confused pair alone.

A painful silence descended on the couple. Coincidence rocked awkwardly on his heels as Irony gave him nothing but confusing glances. Eventually he spoke in the belief it couldn't do any harm.

"You know what strikes me as the greatest irony, Irony?" Coincidence tried to look cheeky with an air of sincerity.

"I'm about to find out aren't I?" The reply was frosty but not impervious to thawing.

Coincidence realised he had no idea how the next line would be taken. He took a deep breath and said it anyway. "That such a beautiful girl as you is still single?"

Irony stared at Coincidence, unsure whether she was the subject of mockery or just a terrible line. Coincidence continued to smile and nod, awaiting the verdict. Wishing to keep the upper hand, rather than leaving herself vulnerable, Irony reacted.

Coincidence looked up from the floor wondering why his face felt numb. Irony had already stormed past Fut and They causing the pair to turn back to pick up their friend.

"That woman can't see a bit of honesty when it's staring straight at her." Coincidence dusted himself down as the side of his face turned red.

"Your face was as clear as the summer horizon when she looked to plant that slap." Fut didn't help.

"It's all about toilet needs you know, women and their moods." They began to speak. He had no intention of stopping whether anyone listened or not. "You see men can improvise a visit to the toilet in almost any situation whereas women require certain conditions. This 'need' means a woman must know at all times that a toilet or relevant facilities are at hand, or at least a short journey away. This anxiety that sits at the back of the mind, gnawing away without revealing its true nature, leads to a higher base level of stress than a man, meaning it takes less to send a lady in to a seemingly unjustified fit."

"So you're saying I got slapped because Irony's worried there isn't a toilet nearby?" Coincidence rubbed his face while the threesome walked.

"Irony doesn't know why she's worried, that's the problem. All she knows is her subconscious is stressing about something, and as you're stood in front of her it must be your fault. Look around us. There's not even a bush she could nip behind if she suddenly needed to go." They offered a wink that suggested his revelation had been proved. Fut and Coincidence didn't know what to make of the idea so stayed silent and carried on with their mild ascent.

Around fifty metres from the summit the male trio found Fate, Karma and Irony staring upwards. Before they had chance to ask it became clear what had caught the waiting group's attention. A figure could be seen on top of Noel Hill, jogging on the spot. The running soon became press ups then squats, before it disappeared behind the bump. The concepts stood quietly. Irony gave Coincidence an apologetic look. She'd regretted the slap even before throwing it. He smiled back slightly fearful before speaking to the group. "Who invited her?"

"That's not very nice." Karma turned with a hint of venom in her voice.

"We're all thinking it. Tell me you didn't invite Motivation?" Coincidence turned to his brother Fate.

"I didn't invite Motivation."

"It's not enough that you've upset one lady today. You want to make it two." Irony defended Motivation, folding her arms vehemently as she did so. She wished to cover any weakness the smile she'd just given Coincidence may have indicated.

"I didn't want to make it one." Coincidence sensed he was about to be overwhelmed.

"She must want to help with the maintenance. Given the option of a day off or working I should have realised Motivation would work." Fate thought out loud.

"Two things in two days the great Fate hasn't seen coming. Somebody's getting rusty." Irony spoke to the air above her while twiddling with a button hole in her cardigan.

"Blame ain't got no home in the land of answers. Solution not accusation is what we need." Fut spoke to the group, whose only common bond appeared to be a growing irritation with each other.

"It's okay. I'll fix it." Fate had a plan.

"I hope it's a fast acting plan because here she comes." Coincidence turned full circle in an effort to look busy as Motivation careered towards them. The group froze as she arrived and started hopping on the spot.

"Hi guys. I couldn't wait for you lazy bones to make it to the top so I ran down here to get you. I've got lots of things we can do once we're all up there. Come on guys. Who wants to start with a race? One, two, three, go." Motivation bound back up Noel Hill as the concepts looked at each other. Nobody moved. Fate held his hands up and began walking as he spoke. "Honestly. I've got a plan. It'll all work out fine."

"Come on slow coaches." Motivation cried down from near the top.

"It's one of your plans that got us in to this." Irony remained unforgiving.

"It was a simple oversight that I can fix easily." Fate ran through several ideas in his head.

"We may as well just give up now if this is how it's going to be." Irony smothered herself in gloating pride.

"It will be fine." Fate spoke through clenched teeth and sped up. He could only imagine how Irony was going to react to Brick and Spiritwind.

Contents

### Chapter Fifteen

"This is definitely odd." Spiritwind summed up the duo's investigation in to the frozen world. It had involved walking down the street and poking things.

"And enjoyable, don't forget enjoyable." Brick sat atop a cat that had been suspended mid leap from a car to a wall. He pretended to be the main attraction at a rodeo.

"Enjoyable, of course, until the eighty foot ants begin roaming the streets and carry us away to feed their young." Spiritwind spoke as he turned in circles wondering what to explore next.

"When do they turn up then?"

"Whenever they want, who's going to stop an eighty foot ant doing anything?" Spiritwind settled on studying the cat Brick was riding. "What's wrong with its face?"

"Whose face?"

"The cat you're riding. It looks like it's won the lottery but just realised its ticket may be in the wash." Spiritwind walked away, popping fizzy cola bottles into his mouth. The sour tang created the same expression of pain with each first bite. Unfortunately his hand was quicker than his memory and he continued to feed.

"Really?" Brick bent forward to see the expression himself. He couldn't help agreeing with Spiritwind's description. What he could have helped was leaning too far and crossing his centre of gravity, although he had no control over the ensuing full flip that left him flat on his back. Looking up at the sky he shook his head and struggled to his feet, holding his ribs to snare any spare sympathy. Cantering after his friend he began adding extra scenes to the retelling of his dramatic fall. Spiritwind heard his peer approaching and attempted to warn him of further danger.

"Mind the bi..." It came too late as Brick ran straight in to a bird paused at head height. He impacted the floor in a clothesline fashion. Spiritwind leant over his prone friend. "You tall people, your limbs are too much for your tiny brains."

Spiritwind continued strolling, leaving Brick to take a moment's consideration before standing up. There was clearly a reason he needed to be on the floor otherwise he wouldn't keep ending up there. He used the time to think about the situation they found themselves in. When he did eventually stand he found Spiritwind lay on a privet bush.

"I've been thinking, and I may just have the answer to what's going on." Brick had used his time well.

Spiritwind remained still, his eyes closed. "Go on then." The words weren't filled with confidence.

Brick cleared his throat. His theories were often akin to novellas. "Somewhere in the world there's a party, and at this party there's a young man named Derek Pantry who's misunderstood by his peers. He's so advanced they mock him through fear, but he remains humble in his approach to their ways, never fighting back even though he has a gift, a power, an ability that could wipe them out if he so chose." Spiritwind opened his eyes and turned to watch the actions Brick accompanied his tale with.

"For years now he has worked in the same office alongside those that only see his meek exterior, but deep in his heart there is a special beat reserved for Meredith Cascade. Silently he has watched on, cherishing the fleeting moments when their eyes have met, too shy to speak but bold enough to dream that one day Meredith would whisper his name when thinking of the man she loved. Unfortunately for our hero, Meredith had been spotted by the systems finance dept three floors above, and she would be leaving floor two. They would be separated, unable to casually meet over the request for a spare paper clip or stapler. Well Derek Pantry wouldn't stand by and let the destined mother of his children be lost to a dept with a three percent lower efficiency rating than his own. It wouldn't be the justice romantic comedies thrive upon. Slamming down the plastic cup of cheap champagne he'd been given to toast her leaving he decided this was it, this was going to be the moment his life changed. Meredith would not only be told of his yearnings for her tightly permed hair but also the truth about the power he holds so dear." Brick took a breath and bit his fist, overcome with fake emotion. Pretending to compose himself, he continued.

"Stumbling through the crowds he spotted her, his eyes locked on with determination and a slight blur. She returned Derek's gaze with a welcoming shyness, inviting him towards her. Striding across the room, she was taken aback by his forceful manner of approach, and duly twiddled with her hair in repressed excitement. As they came together, close enough to touch should mutual permission be given, Derek leant in to his sweetheart and whispered: 'I have something to show you, but you must touch me for it to work.' Meredith knew she could trust him, she had always known, and sneaking away to meeting room 4D she demonstrated her belief by joining hands. A flash of emotion struck each of them as Derek Pantry's power was revealed to the two hearts beating as one: he could pause time at will. Stopping the bustle of life to allow the most perfect of love to flourish was his gift to them both, for their desire transcended such constraints as here, now and then, and simply was." Brick bent on to one knee and held his arms outstretched awaiting applause. Spiritwind only sought clarification.

"And that's why everything's frozen in time?"

"Something along those lines. Obviously I added a few details; used a little poetic licence, but you get the idea."

"I think I do. You're saying that if you have a secret power and fancy a woman from afar, but never had the courage to tell her either of these things, it's a good idea to get drunk and ask her to touch you." Spiritwind hopped down from the bush.

"You see, that's why I used my poetic licence. When you say it your way it loses all sense of realism and romance."

"Would you like to hear my plan?" Spiritwind grimaced as another fizzy bottle attacked his gums.

"Oh. You have an actual plan?" Brick was ready to hear other options.

"I thought it would be best. I have a theory as well but I thought the plan would be more suited to our needs." The exchange of expressions suggested he should continue with the plan. "We should head to the top of Noel Hill for further investigation." Spiritwind pointed towards Noel Hill in noble fashion. It sat a mere fifteen minutes stroll from their house and dominated the landscape.

"Any reason why?" Brick felt it an obvious question.

"So we can see how far this thing has spread. Plus hills are always good settings for pondering. We may as well be up there as sat on the street. And it's a nice day, and there's clearly nothing else to do."

"All good reasons, I concur." The duo began the walk to Noel Hill in full agreement. "Would you like some tips on how to deliver an idea along the way. Your plan is a fine one but to be honest there was very little in the way of plot or suspense. You barely moved your hands." Brick suggested a master class to accompany the journey.

"I'm more of a substance man when it comes to plans."

"You my friend will never make a good hero thinking like that."

"I don't want to be a good hero, I want to be effective. Like Batman. He wasn't interested in style. He was too focused on getting the job done." Spiritwind defended his technique.

"Batman wasn't concerned with style? Are you actually mad? Have you seen his car, and his outfit, and his house, not to mention his boat, and his...."

"They were all peripheral to his efficient heart."

"Anyway you can't be Batman because then I'd be Robin." Brick was visibly offended at the idea.

"What's wrong with Robin?"

"Do you want to be Robin?"

"I'm already Batman." Spiritwind flexed his new persona.

"I refuse to be associated with anyone that thinks a night mask is an effective disguise." Brick raised his moral shield.

"What about Zorro? He had a night mask as a disguise." Spiritwind countered.

"He did, but he knew how to accessorise. A black hat and cape is very cool." Brick swished an imaginary cape and doffed an equally imaginary hat.

"So we're Batman and Zorro?"

"Not in the slightest. I want more than a sword and fancy footwork as my power."

"Superman? He had all the powers." Spiritwind persisted.

"Too goody, goody. And I'd grow weary of having to act incompetent all the time to hide me identity." Spiritwind's mocking look was ignored by Brick. "No my friend, we are Brick and Spiritwind!"

"Not Spiritwind and Brick." Spiritwind thought it was worth a try.

"No it's definitely Brick and Spiritwind, doesn't sound right the other way."

"I think you're right."

"I know I'm right...."

Brick and Spiritwind continued on the path Fate had engineered for them to follow. Having left their home behind them, and various missiles frozen mid flight in next door's garden, they continued on with a vague plan and not a clue to be seen. Fortunately all the clues they would need were sat at the top of Noel Hill awaiting their arrival. Unfortunately most of them were bickering.

Contents

### Chapter Sixteen

The town of Puddleton was a confused and suspicious entity. It looked up at Noel hill with an air of mistrust. Something was going on and it felt convinced the pile of grass had something to do with it. There had barely been a sound all day. Initial panic had Puddleton believing it had gone deaf in the night, but it had heard the mumblings of several beings walking up the hill. It had never trusted the smug mound of earth, always looking down on the town with such a superior sheen to its grass. So this is what the hill had been planning for all those years; to steal all the sound. As the town watched the only other creatures that had moved all day, Brick and Spiritwind, heading towards Noel Hill, its pleasure at its suspicions being confirmed drifted towards panic at what would happen next.

As the volume of noise trickling down from the hill increased so did Puddleton's paranoia. It suspected an attack was imminent. It considered preparing its defences before realising it had none. Instead it grew in defiance. It was tired of bowing down to the hill, cowering in its wake. 'Well bring it on.' The town thought to itself. 'Only don't bring it too hard or noisily. I'm quite enjoying the peace.' The town had no way of knowing that the raise in noise was merely Fate gathering together the chosen concepts to reveal why they were there.

"If I could have your attention." Fate tried again to bring everyone within earshot. Everyone had separated to form smaller groups. Karma and Irony stood together discussing a shoe Karma had seen in a window, Fut rested beneath a tree, and Coincidence chatted to They about whale's and the scuba gear they keep hidden in the depths of the ocean, hence their ability to stay underwater for such extreme periods of time. Motivation was busy doing laps of the hill from the base upwards and wasn't deemed essential to the meeting. "If everyone would like to gather round I'll explain why we're here." Fate remained convinced he'd forgotten something crucial.

The concepts formed a vague semi circle around Fate, only Irony grumbled about it. "Firstly I'd like to thank you for showing up. The next few days will change the future of everything and everyone involved with the Earth." Interest amongst the group grew. "You may have noticed that time has stopped for the natives of the planet."

"Is this the obvious news headlines?" Irony couldn't resist the dig.

"If you're going to heckle its essential what you say is funny." Fate nipped any rebellion in the bud with a self satisfying retort. "The natives have been frozen in time by a race of aliens who intend to take over the Earth."

A number of exclamations and one word queries found their way back to Fate.

"It's okay. I've followed the procedure and activated the Earth's inbuilt defence system. The two heroes should arrive on top of this hill very soon. That's why I arranged to meet here." Fate's last sentence was aimed at Irony who had been complaining about the climb. "By my calculations our two warriors, Brick and Spiritwind, will be here any moment."

The mention of Brick and Spiritwind's name provoked a reaction from Coincidence's memory. Dwelling on what he remembered a look of sheepish concern took over his face.

"Once they arrive it will be up to us to assist the duo in any way we can, bar completing the mission for them." Fate continued.

"If they're the inbuilt defence system why do they need our help?" Karma would have preferred the time off.

"They may not. We're strictly back up. Though I've spent some time observing the pair and they may need a little guidance."

"I thought the inbuilt defence pairing were masters of all combat, weapons and vehicles. Trained since birth they're ready for action the moment any form of disaster strikes." Irony increased the pressure.

"Yes. I'd heard that too; however it seems Brick and Spiritwind have taken a more unorthodox approach to heroics." Fate didn't have the words to explain.

"That still doesn't tell us why they may need our help. Why do we even have to save their planet?" Karma included a disgruntled tone with her question.

"If the aliens succeed who is to say they will have any need for concepts. They may have their own methods of guiding conscious life through the trickier twists and turns of existence and I for one do not wish to return to Grinflint. I like it here." Fate awaited any further group questions. All conversation had become murmurings between each other as they allowed the news to settle. "Well if there's nothing further I shall leave you to digest the news." Everybody presumed he already had left them to it. Coincidence approached his brother for a quiet word.

"Are you sure about those names, Brick and Spiritwind?" Coincidence kept his voice low.

"Positive. Why?"

"And you're positive they're the names you were given?"

"Yes. Well."

"Well. What does well mean?" Coincidence had a suspicion he feared was about to be confirmed.

"There was a slight issue with the fax machine when I got the message." Fate looked apologetic without knowing why. It was his default setting after being with Karma for so long.

"Issue?"

"It was low on ink so some of the letters were missing."

"And you didn't think to take the cartridge out and give it a shake?" Coincidence raised a pensive finger to his equally pensive lips.

"No. They had such unusual names I thought, what are the odds of two different pairs of lads with similar sounding but highly obscure names living on the same street within doors of each other?"

"It would be an incredible coincidence wouldn't it." Coincidence bit his lip as the penny dropped on Fate's toe.

"What have you done?" Fate realised why Brick and Spiritwind didn't seem suited to the job.

"My job. Like you said, what are the odds of a Brick and Spiritwind living next door to a Rick and Biritvind? I practically had no choice in the matter."

"Rick and Biritvind?" Fate took a piece of paper out of his back pocket and ran his finger along the writing. "Oh 'eck." Rick and Biritvind fit the gaps far better than Brick and Spiritwind.

Fate had been to Brick and Spiritwind's street for preliminary research. With uncertainty over the final digit of the address he'd been debating between two houses when Brick and Spiritwind stumbled home. Overhearing the duo using each others names Fate had presumed they were the heroic pair, although he had wondered why they found opening a door so difficult, and why two bastions of physical good would be so drunk at such an hour and have an intimidating stack of takeaway food. He looked towards his brother with a sense of resignation. "Well I can't do anything to change it now. We'll just have to work with Brick and Spiritwind. Maybe we'll have to help them a little more than I'd planned."

Coincidence offered an apologetic grimace whilst trying to stifle a laugh. "Maybe they'll turn out to be even better heroes."

"Maybe has two directions." Fate lost the confidence he'd started the day with.

Contents

### Chapter Seventeen

Zarg joined his parents at the table while they all waited for the ship to land. He'd packed his exploration bag. As a teenager he wouldn't be involved in the actual mission. He would be free to explore his surroundings up to a predetermined boundary. For once he didn't complain at not being treated like an adult. Zarg sat at the table graciously, forgetting to huff or sit with a thud.

"Have you packed a jumper?" Doreen cut to the important details.

"Yes mother."

"And spare food in case you get hungry?"

"Yes mother." Resentment seeped back to Zarg's tone.

"Promise you'll be careful whilst out exploring." Doreen stood up. She spotted a surface that needed wiping.

"Yes mother." Zarg had nothing but repetition.

"And don't speak to any strangers."

"Yes mother." Zarg could have mentioned that all strangers would be frozen and thus unable to speak even if he wished, but he thought this would open up a whole discussion he didn't wish to enter. Ted did have a topic he wished to discuss and brought it forth.

"Have you packed your gloves? They're the important thing."

"Yes father. They're in my bag."

"I still don't like those gloves, Ted. They're not thick enough, flimsy little things. His hands will freeze." Doreen scoured the room for a scarf she could wrap round her son.

"Doreen, my love." A hint of exasperation remained distant in Ted's voice. "We've been through this. The gloves are not intended to keep the wearer's hands warm."

"Sounds like a fairly pointless pair of gloves then." Doreen lifted a tray and cleaned feverishly beneath it.

"The gloves are far from pointless my dearest. They are the very tool that allows our plan to unfold."

"Well all I'm saying is they could allow our plan to unfold in a nice shade of red rather than such garish silver." She searched with her eyes for more dirt to vanquish.

"I'll be sure to mention colour schemes next time our scientists are working on breaking the laws of physics." Ted had nowhere to place his frustration. He rubbed his face as a form of release.

"Are you two arguing?" Zarg thought if he couldn't be at the centre of an argument he may as well stir one up.

"No son." Doreen answered as she found a corner that had escaped a wipe, or maybe it had already dried from ten minutes ago. She wiped it anyway just to be sure.

"We're just chatting son." Ted reassured whilst peering through his fingers, which still covered his face.

"Chatting with an air of tension in your voices?" Zarg poked further.

"You're mistaking tension for love my eldest." Ted replied, smiling sweetly at Doreen. She had her back turned and was humming a tune. "So do you understand how the gloves work?" Ted turned his full attention to Zarg.

"Of course, father. We had extensive training in landing class." The silence and expression on Ted's face suggested Zarg could only prove his knowledge through explanation. A simple yes was worth nothing. Zarg duly proceeded. "As we know all time is based on perception; and as every object on Earth has only ever lived within their time it is the only one they can perceive and thus move through." Ted nodded as he looked to the ceiling. "The gloves we wear do not merely perceive time but also emit Earth time in a controllable field. This allows us to move any objects we may need to, to claim our rightful prize as its new owners."

Ted felt pleased to no longer be arguing. "And what is to prevent the field of time waking up a resident of the planet?"

Zarg took a moment to think. If he'd known there would be a test he'd have written the answers on the inside of his eyelids. "The field isn't strong enough to penetrate skin?"

"Well done son."

Doreen had finished cleaning and walked over to the table. She had her own question. "Did you learn why they couldn't do all that in a delicate puce?"

"They're silver because that is what is expected from a group of invading spacemen. Spacemen wear silver clothing." Ted tensed up instantly.

"But we're not from space. We're from Jeffery." Doreen had a point.

"We know that but the humans think we're from space and will be expecting us to look like such." Ted bordered on politeness, frustration merging the tonal boundaries.

"Because three foot high green bodies with antennae sticking out of our heads isn't enough?" Zarg joined in sarcastically. He spotted an easy target to wind up.

"I didn't design the things. Why is everybody having a go at me?" Ted approached rage.

"Are you sure that's love in your voice father and not tension?" Zarg turned the screw towards its limit.

"I see what's going on and I won't fall for it." Zarg and Doreen exchanged blank glances in response to Ted's accusation.

"Whatever are you talking about, Ted?" Doreen seemed genuinely clueless.

"These attempts to wind me up, well I won't stand for it. I don't want to hear another word from anyone until we land." Ted used his best authoritative tone.

"Tapestry." Edwin seized the silence he'd been waiting for.

"That's very nice Edwin dear but your father doesn't want anyone speaking. We must respect his wishes. I'm afraid you'll have to take that back." Edwin grinned, or burped. It was difficult to tell.

"Now don't take things to extremes Doreen. You know what I meant." The meagre amount of authority Ted had implemented crumbled instantly.

"I'm just obeying your orders dearest. If we have to keep quiet then it's only fair Edwin should too. He has to learn at some point."

"Can I say a word dad, seen as Edwin was allowed to say one?" Zarg tested the conversational water.

"No." Ted stayed firm.

"Please."

"It is only fair dear. Edwin did ge..."

"Gumdrops." Edwin spoke again. A previously unspoken word.

"Very good son, a fourth word, but I'm afraid you'll have to take that one back also unless Zarg is allowed to say two words." Edwin laughed in Doreen's face, blowing a bubble without intention for good measure.

"My rule was a very simple one. Why can't you just obey it? Nobody is to speak until we land." Ted changed colour slightly in frustration.

A moments silence settled, allowing Doreen to take a seat at the table. She lasted barely a few seconds before speaking. "So to be entirely sure about this, nobody is allowed to speak, including Edwin?"

Ted's colouring returned to its normal shade. "Edwin at his tender age does not yet understand my authority and therefore cannot be held responsible for going against it. Everybody else does, and therefore can."

Another brief silence descended before Zarg raised a legal point. "I appreciate your request father, and from here on in will obey it to the letter, but could I not have the two words Edwin had before the rules were clarified?"

"No." Ted looked to the ceiling, closed his eyes, and tried to relax.

"Go on." Zarg continued.

"I've explained my reasons." Ted hoped nobody realised he hadn't actually given any reasons for his rule.

"Let the lad have two words, Ted." Doreen pleaded for her son.

"Can you please just respect my wishes."

"We'd better keep quiet Zarg. We don't want your father in a mood for when we land. That includes you too Edwin. We want to keep that lovely smile on daddy's face don't we?" She wiggled Edwin's cheek in rhetorical glee.

"Splendid." Edwin rocked his chair and laughed for no justifiable reason other than he was young and could get away with that kind of thing.

"I still think its mean. It's our basic right to speak." Zarg began to feel a mood coming on.

"Well it's done and that's that." Ted made the error of answering.

"And we can't appeal the decision?"

"No. I am the Appeal court and I say no too."

"What if I'm hurt and need to speak to alert everyone to my need for help?" Zarg continued down the legal route.

"If it is a serious injury then you may fill in the required forms."

"What if..." The soft thud of the ship landing interrupted Zarg's sentence. Ted opened his eyes and returned his head to its normal viewing plain.

"As we have landed you may all feel free to speak once more. Thank you for complying with my wishes." Ted's words were lost on the bustling family. Zarg had already flipped his bag on to his back and was heading towards the door. Doreen was busy lifting Edwin from his high chair. She quickly reverted to motherly mode, calling after her eldest.

"Are you sure you've packed everything Zarg?"

"Yes mother."

"Jumper?" She distracted Edwin with something bright while attaching his baby harness.

"Yes mother." Zarg almost jumped up and down with excitement as he waited at the room's exit.

"Spare food?"

"We've been through this."

"Gloves? For all the good they'll do you." She attached the other side of Edwin's harness to her torso.

"Does it matter what I say in response." Zarg realised his mother wasn't listening.

The ship's speaker system interrupted Doreen's list to announce they had landed. It went on to inform the Jefferian's of where to gather depending on which mission party they had been assigned to. Teenagers were instructed to head to designated exits where they would be allowed out to explore their new home.

"Where's my hug?" Doreen called Zarg back from the door he'd so eagerly ran to.

"Mum." Zarg stamped his foot with a mixture of giddiness and frustration.

"You're never too big to give your mum a hug. Come here." Zarg trudged over and gave a half hearted hug. Doreen felt his bag and slipped an extra piece of Dovwar pie inside. "You have fun, and we'll see you back here in a few harlens."

"Okay, I will." Zarg didn't look back as he ran to the door.

"Bye son." Ted offered a wave that wouldn't be seen. Zarg had only one thing on his mind, freedom, and the chance it gave him to explore a new world on his terms. It was time to leave the young, moody Zarg behind and become a man of the universe. At least until his food ran out.

Contents

### Chapter Eighteen

Spiritwind stood proudly atop Noel Hill. Placing his arms firmly on his hips he took a deep breath and surveyed the scene. It was a beautiful moment, only tainted by the huffing and puffing of Brick as he struggled to join his hairless friend.

"Come on. It's not that hard." Spiritwind called down to his peer.

"That's.......That's......easy for.....you to say. Stood......Stood up.......there." The dramatic punctuation threw his breathing pattern completely off, leaving him more tired than the act of climbing.

"It was easy to say when I was where you are." Spiritwind mentally searched his body for snacks. A pang of hunger had entered his thoughts.

"No need.......to.....to be.....so smug."

"If it'll help don't speak to me. Save your breath." Spiritwind had other concerns. He felt sure a family size packet of crisps sat about his person.

"Stop.......Stop talking to.......me then." Brick sensed a stitch waiting to nestle in his ribs.

"Okay then." Spiritwind assumed confidence in a memory of where the potato based snack may be hiding and reached for his sock. The confidence was misplaced.

"Okay.....what?" Brick stopped for a moment to catch his breath. He coughed as he tried to breathe in and almost suffocated on the spot. Only lying down could help him now.

"I'll stop talking to you so you can climb in peace. Are you okay?" Spiritwind noticed his friend's struggle. Brick raised his hand to let him know he was fine before lifting himself heroically back to his feet. He continued the ascent, muttering as he stomped.

"I'm fine, just plain old dandy. Can't leave me to climb in peace, oh no, has to keep interrupting me and making me look stupid. Well we'll see who looks stupid when I'm proved right about this whole frozen time thing simply being an elaborate pulling technique....."

After three wrong guesses Spiritwind stopped searching for his crisps and meditated on where exactly he'd hidden them. As he stood, eyes closed, the answer approached, as did Fut. Fut's ability to spread calm made him the obvious choice to instigate the meeting.

"Morning my most wholesome dude. Glad to see you be where you be." The accompanying smile promised complete trust and friendliness. Spiritwind faced the voice without any sense of panic and absorbed Fut's warm greeting.

"Thank you. Glad you're being where you be too?" Spiritwind left part of his mind searching for his snack as the rest dealt with the latest curious occurrence of the day.

"I like the feel of your rhythm my average sized man. May I say on behalf of my companions how nice it is to finally share the air." Fut nodded gently as he spoke.

"You do know you're alone?" Spiritwind pointed out the obvious as Brick scrambled over the lip of the hill on all fours. The stomping had worn him out quicker than the talking.

"Who's your friend?" Brick tried to point. His arm only made it to shoulder height before giving up and falling to the floor. Spiritwind turned to face his exhausted friend.

"I'm not entirely sure." Spiritwind turned back to Fut. "You didn't already tell me your name did you? I'm not embarrassed to admit that if you did, I've forgotten it."

Fut chuckled to himself. "There ain't been no exchange of labels yet my man. Fut be the moniker attached to my frame."

"Nice." Spiritwind returned his gaze to Brick. "He's called Fut." Brick nodded approval as he stood and wiped himself down. The fact nothing could move to attach itself to him was irrelevant. He would often act out society's expected responses to situations, if only to see what all the fuss was about. As Brick began the short journey to his friend, Spiritwind turned back to Fut, just as Fate appeared next to the spreader of cool. Spiritwind wasn't one to jump to conclusions and presumed Fate must have been stood there all along.

"May I attach names to faces." Fut didn't await the answer to his rhetorical musing and began the introductions. "This is Fate...." Fate offered a tentative wave as he stepped forward, his mind still processing the news Coincidence had given him. The rest of the concepts proceeded to appear and nod a greeting as Fut read out the register. "...Coincidence, They, Irony, Karma and...."

"Motivation. Pleased to meet you." Motivation stepped forward and shook the hands of the two Earthlings in a robust manner. Her introduction was short as she jogged away to continue her exercises.

The six remaining concepts stood opposite Brick and Spiritwind. Brick and Spiritwind looked back. Those concepts that knew nothing of Fate's error had expected something more physically daunting than the duo that faced them. As heroes trained from birth they seemed easy to underestimate. Perhaps that was their secret weapon, a lack of expectancy. Brick rifled through all his default topics of chit chat. Settling on something pointless he forgot it the instant he opened his mouth. He quickly called up an emergency strand of chatter.

"Weather. Eh. What's that about?" His face looked at itself disgusted.

"I can tell you exactly what the weather is about...." They stepped forward before being interrupted by Fate.

"...Not now, They. Mr Jones, Mr Wall. I expect you have many questions for us."

The pair looked back blankly, then towards each other. Brick opted for the first query to fall into his thoughts. "If magicians are so good at making buildings disappear why don't they pool their talents and start a demolition business? Big money in demolition you know. No more of those poorly attended midweek gigs."

Fate turned to the concepts and smiled weakly before turning back round. "I was thinking more in relation to the current predicament."

"Oh right. You mean, why isn't there a lift to the top of this hill?" Brick smiled in the belief he'd cracked it. Spiritwind believed he'd cracked his own mystery and reached into a previously unseen pocket. Fate turned back to the concepts and offered a shrug to accompany an ever weaker smile. The pair weren't making his mistake an easy one to cover up.

"I was thinking more about why the world may be frozen in time." Fate gave up with hints.

"The world may be frozen in time but my crisps are not." Spiritwind held the bag above his head victoriously.

"My job's never felt in safer hands." Irony threw scorn at Fate. He cringed and considered owning up there and then. Spiritwind offered everyone a potato snack as Fate considered any excuses he could use when the mission failed. Maybe it wasn't too late to start a career in table testing.

Fate's thoughts were interrupted by a packet of roast meat flavoured crisps being shaken in his face. The other concepts had all declined in confusion.

"Crisp?" Spiritwind shook a little harder.

"No thank you."

"Come on. They're chicken."

"No honestly. I'm not hungry." Fate continued to ponder.

"Are you sure? They're ever so nice."

"Come on now Spiritwind." Brick intervened with a smirk. "Don't tempt Fate." The pair looked at each other, holding a serious expression for a second before descending in to hilarity. Fate faced the other concepts apologetically. Coincidence shielded his eyes with his hand.

"Can we not just see off these aliens ourselves?" Karma ground her fist in to her palm as she made her suggestion.

"You know the rules. We can't affect the Earth's destiny through such direct action. We can only usher Earthlings and present them with the opportunities to act in the way we need them to." Fate quoted the code they agreed to uphold.

"How are we supposed to usher those two in to doing anything but bumbling around? Heroes indeed! I always knew that idea was flawed." Karma was in no mood for understanding. Fortunately Brick and Spiritwind were. They'd listened to Karma's last sentence without offence. Spiritwind peered around Fate and engaged the group.

"Hello again. We were just listening to your little chat, do not fear, we are not offended." The look in Karma's eye suggested no fear would be forthcoming. Spiritwind quickly picked up on this and moved on. "Anyway, we're noticing a few curious things about you lot. Are we right in presuming something is going on here?" Spiritwind wished he was sitting on a chair so he could cross his legs in punctuation.

"That's exactly the kind of question I was looking for." Fate began to see a light within the dimmest of tunnels. Maybe he wouldn't have to confess just yet. The other concepts didn't share his optimism.

"Have you been looking for a question? You should have said. I'm full of questions." Brick merely wished to be involved.

"I did say. Right before your friend here starting offering out crisps."

"So you do want a crisp?" Brick took on the role of crisp sorter outer.

"Eh." It was all Fate could offer to stay in the conversation.

"Give the man a crisp Spiritwind. He wants one now." Brick nudged his friend.

"So, Fate can be tempted." The pair shared the look of a suspicion being confirmed. "Unfortunately I've ate them." Spiritwind showed no remorse.

"All of them?" Brick had nothing but judgement.

"It was a small bag."

"Excuse me. Excuse me." Fate felt justified in interrupting. "I don't want a crisp." The concept wished to get on with things. Brick had other ideas and folded his arms, unhappy at being messed around. Had he not missed his elbow and ended up fumbling with his fingers it may have added some weight to the emotion, instead he just looked silly. Brick continued with a rebuke regardless.

"First he doesn't then he does; now he doesn't again. Maybe you should think about what you want before speaking." Fate had nothing but an open mouth without words. He composed himself before trying again. He ignored the last few sentences and attempted to explain.

"There is indeed something going on here and we are not as we seem. We are in fact the people behind many of the ideas and concepts that allow your society to function and flourish." Fate looked for signs of the words going in. It took a moment but eventually Spiritwind responded.

"I'll believe that."

"It makes more sense than one omnipotent being sorting everything out." Brick added his opinion.

"You understand what I just said?" Fate wished to make sure.

"Completely." Spiritwind nodded.

"Entirely." Brick picked at his tooth for no practical reason.

Spiritwind sensed disbelief in the silence. "Would you like me to explain it back to you to prove we understand?"

"If you don't mind." Fate was pleased he hadn't had to ask.

"You work on the Earth controlling many aspects of our everyday lives, unbeknown to us mere Earthlings. So if I stole an orange then bit into it and found it to be mouldy, that would be down to you." Spiritwind pointed at Karma. Her expression hadn't warmed leading him to withdraw his pointed finger fairly quickly. "And if I met an old school friend a day after speaking about them that would be down to you." He pointed at Coincidence. Coincidence bowed.

"What about They?" Brick supplied his friend with the lines he needed to continue.

"They? Why of course he is the storyteller, the spreader of myth and rumour. They say the Queen employs somebody to have her nightmares for her."

"It's a good idea that. Nightmares can be rough. You don't want the Queen waking up all teary eyed and accidentally making it illegal to wear trainers." Nobody followed Brick's logic, least of all himself. He continued to stick to the script. "What about Fut?"

"I wouldn't like to say. Care to offer a clue?" Spiritwind didn't wish to offend.

"Or the answer?" Brick didn't see the point of subtlety.

"I stroll this rock we straddle spreading cool and calm to all I meet. I hold stress up to the light and show the world its transparent nature. To see beyond is to see within, and realise what is truly worthy of worry." Fut responded with a sway of his hips and a smile.

"So where does Fut fit in to that?" Brick cut straight back to the question.

"Cool as Fut my man. I believe the franchise language turned my name in to something a little more offensive, but I'm cool with that." Brick nodded his head as Fut spoke, without any idea why.

"And I'm presuming Irony deals with Irony?" Spiritwind rounded off the group, except for Motivation who was self explanatory and busy running up the hill in a crab position.

"Indeed. Or at least she would if she understood the concept of irony." Fate took great pleasure in revealing such a fact.

"Irony doesn't understand irony! Genius." Spiritwind toasted the witty twist.

"Why does everyone find that so amusing? Irony is a very difficult concept to grasp. You should try dealing with it on a daily basis, sends you nuts." She fell in to a sulk.

"Is it just you few then or are we to meet countless others?" Brick wondered if he should warm up his greeting face.

"This will be all on our mission. We felt a tight knit group would stand a better chance of success." Fate resumed information duties.

"She doesn't seem very tight knit." Brick pointed to Motivation. She'd found a log and ran with it across her neck.

"No. I'll be dealing with that. Everyone else was told to take the day off but being so motivated she doesn't know how to."

"Is she another one of yours?" Brick pointed to an approaching figure: a girl around eight years old skipped towards them. She wore a party frock that sprouted outwards the nearer the ground it reached, stopping around knee height to show off a pair of white socks. Her hair sat in pigtails, proudly restrained by a vibrant red bow fashioned from ribbons. The rest of the concepts turned to see the youngster approach. Each ran instantly in the opposite direction. Fate ushered the duo along.

"We need to leave now, as quickly as possible."

"Any particular reason?" Brick always liked to know why he was running.

"A very particular reason; that little girl is Danger and if we hang around something bad will happen to you and most likely us too." Motivation saw the group running and believed she'd finally made a breakthrough. She yelped in delight and ran to the front.

"Do we know where we're heading?" Spiritwind queried on the jog. Danger was in no rush to catch them.

"The nearest building site." Fate continued to glance back.

"Building site?" The query came in stereo.

"Danger's powers are weak in building sites. There are too many signs warning of her presence. Awareness of her threat makes her ineffective."

"You're saying she pays attention to Danger Keep Out signs?" Brick felt surprisingly sprightly after his morning climb.

"Yes. Now come on."

"I'm not sure I believe that." Brick turned to his friend as they cantered alongside each other.

"The way today's going I'm not ruling anything out."

As one they headed back to Puddleton. Brick and Spiritwind hoped it would be the last bout of exercise they would be forced in to, although neither was holding out much hope.

Contents

### Chapter Nineteen

Zarg turned the final corner to the door that would allow him off the space craft and out to explore the Earth. Unfortunately it was packed with a growing crowd of equally excited youngsters. Believing his curiosity of a more intellectual nature than his peers, Zarg felt justified in his decision to push to the front. Scanning the back row of the rabble, three gaps presented themselves. Opting for the one to the right he waited for it to gape once more. It didn't take long as an adult stood on a box to address the group.

"Okay everybody. I realise this is very exciting for you but we need to be patient and adhere to health and safety guidelines." A mass groan entered the air. Health and safety was the bane of many Jefferian lives. Forced to study and learn regulation after regulation whilst growing up created an extremely aware society; unfortunately they were also incredibly bitter about being patronised. "Pushing and shoving is riddled with danger and helps nobody." Dawn spoke with increasing stress in her voice. "I must also ask that you remain within visual contact of the ship once outside...." The speech had drawn many of the teenager's attention, keeping them rooted to one spot and revealing numerous gaps for Zarg to take advantage of.

Swerving through the first few rows unchallenged, Zarg's excitement grew; however nearing the front he aroused tuts and stern looks as he squeezed past elbows and trod on feet. His foray ceased completely when a forearm blocked his path. He looked up to see the source of the imposing limb.

"I hope you're not pushing in, Zarg." Don stared down proudly, his eye swollen from the battle in the cafeteria. "Me, and my mates here are security. We have to go out there first and check there's no stinkin' humans left." Don turned to his crew and laughed. They joined in without needing to know what was funny.

"I thought we'd been through this, Don. It's not going to be like that." Zarg spotted a potential opening. If he could squeeze through he could see a path all the way to the door.

"I don't think I like your attitude." Don moved forward menacingly.

"Ah well. What can you do?" Zarg lost all fear of Don. The prospect of being on the Earth overshadowed the bully's menace. Fortunately an eruption of applause distracted the thug. Unable to resist copying the masses behaviour, Don clapped in unison, unsure who it was for or why. By the time he remembered he was about to thump Zarg, the little alien had skimmed through the remainder of the crowd and reached the door just as it opened. Zarg skipped down the ramp and on his way as Don sent a series of threats after him, each as empty as the next.

The ship had landed within a grass basin on the edge of Puddleton. The natural bowl was part of the same series of undulating mounds that created Noel Hill. The sides stretched up around forty metres, their circular nature secluding a space craft of stereotypical shape to perfection.

Zarg sprinted away from the craft, gulping at the sweet tasting freedom until his mind was full. Running with wild abandon he completely forgot he was past this kind of behaviour and should be looking for a corner to sulk in, but finally he'd reached the Earth and wished to experience it with every sense he possessed.

The eager alien raced up the incline before fatigue quickly forced him to stop and catch his breath. Falling face first on to the grass the green shoots curled around him, his glove already switched on and allowing everything within five feet to react to his presence. Zarg nestled his cheek in to the soil, enhancing his belief that the very Earth was hugging him, holding him close to its heart so he wouldn't float away. He rolled on to his back and waved his limbs back and forth. The simulations he'd spent so long inside simply couldn't compete with the reality.

After a few gleeful moments, Zarg sat up with a beaming smile and looked down at his frolicking peers. Several groups, one led by Don, had begun to hurl missiles at each other. Dawn flailed around amongst them suggesting reasons to stop, none of which were adhered to. Zarg leant back on his elbows and continued to survey his surroundings in peaceful solitude. Nobody else had climbed as high up the incline as he. He tried to take everything in but there was just too much.

He let his mind wander freely, jumping from thought to thought. He'd spent a long time fawning over pictures and reading accounts of the Earth's sensory delight, but none of it had even come close.

The colours were so much more vibrant than the books ever suggested. The sky had been described as blue in so much of what he read but they had failed to elaborate. Now he could see why. It couldn't be tied down to one shade, sometimes it wasn't even blue, more a symphony of lights and darks intermingling and overlapping to form a whole of infinite curiosity. He took a deep breath. The freshness of the air chilled his insides to a temperature he could only label in terms of pleasure. He'd never contemplated the comfort of air let alone experienced it.

Drunk with curiosity, Zarg looked at the remaining twenty feet that led up to the lip of the basin. 'What harm could a peek do?' He told himself he would just take a look then head back down to the ship. He was a very good liar.

Zarg reached the top and stared at Puddleton. For natural beauty it couldn't begin to compete with the basin, but for pure intrigue it stood without equal. Zarg looked back to the ship; everybody had become involved, in one way or another, in the fracas Don had started. There was certainly nobody paying attention to him. He glanced back to Puddleton then to the craft before a moment of contemplation. There was only one side of the basin Zarg would be going down and he wouldn't bump in to a spaceship at the bottom of it.

**********

Puddleton didn't offer much to its residents, especially the young ones that wished to live somewhere exciting. It hung nervously between becoming a city and holding on to its long past roots as a sedate village. For Zarg it was wonderful. A real Earth town paused in full flow. The people offered by the far the most intrigue. Zarg studied the first few in great detail. The novelty soon wore off as he began moving them around instead. Several Puddletonians were in for a nasty surprise when time eventually restarted, especially those that had been waiting for a bus and now found themselves atop the shelter.

Wondering what mischief he could weave next, Zarg sensed movement in the distance. The Jefferians were not known for their bravery and Zarg's only plan involved hiding. Ducking behind a wall he allowed a sense of smugness to creep in. Maybe he was about to be proved right about his peoples' plan failing. The smugness quickly turned to fear as he realised he may be about to come face to face with a band of heroes out to defeat him.

He didn't have to wait long for a young couple to come into view. Could they be the beginnings of a small band of rebels? For now they were arguing. Zarg continued observing as the male tried to walk away, his progress regularly halted as he turned to make his point to the woman in pursuit. Whatever his point it was quickly rebutted as he stormed ahead of her, powered by frustration. As he gained a fifteen foot advantage the figure changed into that of a teenager running. Zarg performed a double take filled with confusion. There had been nothing in any of the books about humans being able to morph their appearance. Turning his gaze to the woman, she too had changed. She had been replaced by an irate shopkeeper giving chase to the lad. The insults suggested he'd stolen a pack of custard creams. Intrigue got the better of Zarg as he followed the pursuit.

By the time Zarg climbed out of the garden he'd been hiding in the odd pair were together once more, only now one was an unfeasibly tall and skinny man whilst the other an excessively rotund lady. The duo walked hand in hand, turning a corner and out of sight. Zarg scampered up to the said corner and peered around it. It was a dead end and the pair nowhere to be seen. They had simply vanished. Zarg stopped for a moment to consider his options. He could return to the craft and inform everyone of his discovery that the Earth isn't exactly frozen, or he could partake in his very own mission to discover what was going on. He gave the decision as much thought as a teenager can. He reasoned either way he would be in trouble so why not have an adventure to look back on whilst serving the resulting punishment? The logic was flawless.

Contents

### Chapter Twenty

Brick peered around the pile of breeze blocks he'd chosen to hide behind, unsure exactly why he felt nervous. Spiritwind had opted for the pile next to his friend, all his thoughts focused on the next meal. Fate and his fellow concepts had scattered throughout the third floor of 'Godstones' latest urban development scheme, or half finished block of flats on the edge of Puddleton if you believe a label should accurately describe its object. Some of the concepts stood in pairs, others alone. Only Motivation jogged on the spot.

The top two floors of the building were still girders reaching to the air, the walls were completely absent on every floor. It gave the cowering group ample view of Danger, standing at the gates to the site. She glared up, searching for movement to focus her attention on. When none could be found she began skipping along the site's border, singing playfully without a care in the world, occasionally stopping to search once more. The menace in her eyes was unmistakeable and could be felt in all its intensity, except by Brick who still wasn't convinced she was anything to fear.

"Why are we hiding? There's nine of us and one of her. And she's small. My sister could take her out with a sigh." Brick aired his bravado.

"You haven't got a sister." Spiritwind poked a gaping hole in the statement.

"A valid point, but if I did have a sister this Danger girl would be in trouble."

"Sssssssh." Fate sent a request for quiet from behind the unmixed cement he lay behind.

"Did you hear something?" Brick turned to Spiritwind in response to the shushing.

"I heard a distinct shushing noise."

Before either had chance to open an investigation, Fate made his way silently across to the pair. "Will you two keep quiet."

"Hello again. Have you heard a shushing noise?" Brick both welcomed and queried Fate in one swift sentence.

"I shushed." Fate spoke in an accentuated whisper. "You need to keep quiet."

"Quiet. Why? She'll never hear us up here. Even if she does, what can a little girl do from down there?" Brick spoke without any care for his volume. Danger continued to skip nonchalantly, all the time trying to pinpoint the murmuring that reached her ears.

"I'll show you what she can do." Fate felt a demonstration was needed. "Put this on." Fate slapped a construction helmet on Brick's head.

"Wait a...How did you move that?" Brick had an equal number of questions and concerns running across his puzzled face.

"Let's call it magic for the time being. Hold this too." Fate handed Brick a stick.

"As much as I appreciate the stick, I'm not sure I like the need for protective headgear and a weapon to prove a point. Actually after brief consideration I'm absolutely sure I don't like it."

"You should have heeded my warning to be quiet then. Raise your arms." Fate took on a sense of efficiency he usually saved for special occasions.

"I don't think I want to. You know the friendly first impression you made is quickly being replaced by an underlying meanness." Brick continued to protest.

"Just lift." Brick's arms rose without any conscious intention from him. Fate peered down towards Danger. "Wave them around a little." Fate sneaked a second glance before stepping back. Danger focused unwaveringly on the stick.

"I really don't see what this is prov...." The sentence remained incomplete as a number of power tools fell from the top of the breeze blocks Brick stood beneath. They struck the curious human with a sense of intent. Brick stared upwards, bleary eyed and point fully proved. "How is that fair retribution for waving a stick?"

"It isn't about retribution, for that you need to heed Karma. And that thing down there isn't a little girl. She's an employee of the Earth and her job it is to exploit dangerous situations. Those tools were precariously placed and merely awaiting a victim."

"But she looks like such a sweet and innocent girl." Brick continued to chase his focus around the room.

"Of course she does. How else would she get close enough to people to do her job? If she was eight feet tall with razors for eyes and sharks for teeth everyone would flee and protect themselves the moment she turned up." Fate felt satisfied Brick had got the message.

"One entire shark per tooth?" Spiritwind needed clarification before creating a mental image of the razor eyed version of Danger.

"Sorry?" Fate wasn't prepared for interrogation on such a flippant comment.

"I was just thinking, if she did have one entire shark per tooth she'd have to keep her mouth filled with saltwater to keep them alive. Not only would the taste be abhorrent but it would leave her unable to wield her weapon for fear of suffocating it. I'm fairly sure a mouth full of dead sharks would taste worse than a mouth full of saltwater." Fate had no answer for Spiritwind's query and turned to Brick.

"Would you care to resume your hiding position now?"

"I think I would." Fate turned away, leaving Brick sat with his back against the breeze blocks, power tools littering the floor around him. Spiritwind crouched next to him with a toffee apple in hand. His emergency supplies continued to reveal themselves as he tried to make his friend feel better.

"I thought it was a perfectly reasonable question to ask."

"So why didn't you ask it?" Brick removed the helmet and felt for lumps.

"I knew curiosity would get the better of you first. I wanted to see what would happen before risking it."

"And now that you've seen?" Brick checked again for lumps in case he missed one.

"I'm fully satisfied with the answer." Spiritwind stood once more as Brick came to terms with the fact he wasn't that badly injured and could gain no points for heroic wounds. He found the construction helmet had become immovable again after placing it down. He took the revelation in his stride. It was proving to be a day where anything could happen and be fully justified.

Spiritwind kept an eye on Danger as the other concepts amused themselves behind their respective piles. Fut closed his eyes and drew comfort from the bricks he rested against, Fate tried to avoid the evil eye Karma had fixed upon him, Irony continually glanced at Coincidence although whenever he reciprocated she turned away and cursed her inner feelings, They sat scribbling something on a slip of paper and running ideas across his face, whilst Motivation did sit ups.

Danger repeatedly approached the gateway to the building site, each time stopping as the huge signs warned of her presence. She cursed the air and kicked the floor before continuing to skip. The pattern went on for a while until she stopped and turned hurriedly to her right. Her curiosity became bravado then quickly retreated into sheepishness. Peering in to the distance she made a snap decision and turned and ran away. Spiritwind observed all this in silence, only speaking when the object that had caused the fuss appeared at the gates. It was Zarg.

"This is getting very interesting. Brick. Could you stand up a second and tell me what you can see?"

"I've just got comfy?" Brick perched on a bag of sand while leaning at a specific angle.

"It'll be worth it."

"If it isn't I want a full apology, in writing." Brick struggled to his feet. If he put as much effort into the mission as he put into looking in pain the adventure would be finished by now. "I don't think I'll need that apology." Brick forgot to act in agony as the sight of Zarg struck him.

"Would you care to confirm what you see?" Spiritwind wished to hear the words out loud.

"A stereotypical 1950's movie alien walking through Puddleton." Brick obliged.

"I'm glad you said that."

"That's what I see too." Fate chirped up from behind the pair. Sensing Danger had left he approached the duo to watch the next chapter of the day unfold.

"You're a very good sneaker upper Fate. Ever considered a career in hide and seek?" Brick kept his eyes on Zarg as he spoke.

"Hide and seek?" Fate's perplexed expression didn't have chance to become a further question as Brick had one of his own.

"That's an alien, right?"

"It may be." Fate was intentionally elusive.

"And it has something to do with the Earth being frozen in time?"

"It may do."

"You do know you're not actually answering my questions?" Brick continued to probe.

"I may well." Fate threw in a little of his own humour.

"That would be very funny if we weren't in such a serious situation." Brick aimed for the moral high ground.

"It's your job to work these things out." Fate couldn't be sure if he'd just been insulted or not.

"Job?" Brick turned round outraged. "We've got the day off we don't have a job today."

"You did ring work didn't you? You weren't pretending again?" Spiritwind felt obliged to check.

"I'm wounded by your distrust. Of course I did. I've never been caught for the same sack-able offence twice and I don't intend to start now."

"Not your cover jobs, your actual jobs." Fate used all the head twitches and nods he knew to suggest to them that they knew what he meant. He could sense Irony listening in and needed to keep up the charade that he believed Brick and Spiritwind were the genuine heroes of the planet.

"Are you okay, Fate? Are you about to have some kind of fit?" Brick tried to remember the first aid course he'd missed.

"Your destiny, the mysterious purpose you've always felt inside but never been able to express. This is it. This is what all that training was for." Fate almost dislocated his spine with all the suggestive moving. The spectacle had attracted the other concepts. They all stood within listening distance of the exchange.

"If I pretend to know what you're talking about will you stop twitching?" Brick had nothing else to offer except a puzzled face and a paper clip that had been in his pocket for months.

"You are the inbuilt defence system of the Earth, trained from birth in all weaponry, martial arts, vehicular control, general warfare and tactics. Two men ready to stand side by side in the face of all adversity. When humanity is threatened you will evade the initial attack and raise an army larger in spirit than numbers in order to conquer the enemy." Fate turned to the concepts for support. Irony had a sneer to accompany everyone else's empty faces.

"So you want us to save the Earth?" Brick shortened the speech.

"It is your destiny." Fate was convincing nobody.

The duo shared a glance containing various subtle angular movements of the eyes and mouth before turning back to the concepts. "Okay then." The reply came in unison.

"Okay then?" Fate didn't know what had happened.

"We'll do it. We'll save the Earth." Brick continued as spokesperson.

"Excellent news." Joy had never been expressed with such little feeling. "Isn't that excellent news?" Fate looked for support from his fellow concepts. Only murmurs came back. The inbuilt defence system weren't supposed to need asking. They would know instantly the path in life they had been following had been a lie and that all along a mission had been waiting. Simply telling them the Earth was in peril would be enough to send them in to a flurry of plans and activity. As it was Brick turned back to the town and Spiritwind saluted the discovery of a pork pie in his back pocket.

Coincidence approached his brother as the rest of the concepts went back to amusing themselves. Irony and Karma retreated to a corner to discuss how Fate had ruined everything, They continued working on his notes, and Fut continued contemplating whatever he'd been contemplating. Motivation had been oblivious to everything since finding an exposed girder that worked perfectly as a pull up bar.

"Maybe we should just tell everyone the truth?" Coincidence ensured nobody could overhear.

"No. Not yet." Fate bit his finger with an air of concern. "I'd never hear the end of it. Anyway these two may be able to do it." The two concepts looked back at the Earthlings as Brick got his finger wedged beneath a breeze block. Spiritwind's assistance came in the form of laughter. "We'll just have to give them a little extra guidance."

"I'll go with whatever you decide. I feel partly to blame after all."

"Partly?"

"Let's not get in to that now. Come on." Coincidence ushered his brother back towards the heroes.

"So. Any plans forming?" Fate queried the pair as Brick's finger popped out of its concrete trap.

"I'm thinking of becoming your manager and introducing you to the hide and seek world tour. You're amazing. That's the third time you've crept up on me without the slightest sound." Brick strayed off topic once more.

"We can discuss that after the mission. The mission we really should begin."

"Right. Yes, the mission. Spiritwind. Would you care to inform Fate of the plan we have been working on." It was clearly the first Spiritwind had heard of such a thing.

"The plan? It was your idea you should explain it." Spiritwind placed the ball back in Brick's court with a side bowl of chips and dips.

"You're too modest. It was as much his work....."

"Could somebody just tell us the plan?" Fate spoke with residual annoyance from the mix up over the hero's identities. Spiritwind could see Brick had nothing and took responsibility.

"We should..." Spiritwind started the sentence in the hope something would fill in the rest. Luckily inspiration was on hand. "...form an away team from this group, of say four people, to go out and capture the alien we saw walking past. Then bring him back and interrogate him. Based on the information we gather we will plan the next step."

"You thought we had nothing didn't you? It's alright to admit it." Brick cashed in some of Spiritwind's rightful smug.

"We don't judge. But that's a very good plan." Fate shared a nod with Coincidence. It was fairly standard procedure in such a situation but as they weren't trained it was an impressive start. It eased Fate's worries for at least the immediate future.

Fate gathered the rest of the concepts and informed them of the plan. Fut instantly volunteered himself for the mission along with Fate. The rest of the concepts were happy with the arrangement and returned to their various activities, all except Coincidence.

"I was thinking, before you go do you think you could encourage some people not to be so active." Coincidence's eyebrow singled out Motivation for attention.

"I'll do better than that." Fate strolled across to Motivation who hung upside from the girder doing sit ups.

"32....33....Hello Fate....35.....36....How are.....37....you?"

"I'm fine. Just wondering if I could have a quick word?" Fate was unclear on the rules of etiquette for conversing during a person's workout. Do you even attempt to hold eye contact?

"Of......40...course....41..."

"Would you be able to come down while we have it?"

She leapt down and began jogging on the spot. "How can I help?"

"Are you going to do that throughout? I guess you are. Thing is, Motivation, I need somebody to do a very important mission for me."

She stopped running to do a star jump and full spin every tenth step. "I'm the girl for the job. Just ask."

"I need somebody to change every clock they can find to ten to ten." Fate didn't entirely know where the idea had come from. It had popped into his head mid sentence.

"Okay."

"Every clock."

"Sounds great. Should I go now?"

"Do you not want to know why?" Fate felt it was going far too easily.

"Don't mind."

"I thought it would drive the conspiracy theorists nuts." He awaited a chuckle or even a smirk. Any sign of appreciation at his wit.

"Okay. Should I start?"

"I suppose so." He was clearly going to get nothing.

"Bye then." Motivation unlocked the mental brake that had kept her on the spot and flew through the third floor, waving as she went. Fate followed, at a far slower pace, collecting Fut on the way. The pair presented themselves to Brick and Spiritwind.

"Shall we go then?" Fate was eager to get started.

"We need a team name first." Brick wished to sort out the admin.

"Team A?" Fate's name was brilliantly understated.

"Team A? That's rubbish. I was thinking Team Rhino, or Dragon Biscuit." Brick had his own ideas.

"I like Fate's subtle name." Spiritwind merely wished to wind up Brick.

"How about you, Fut?" Brick searched for support.

"Success comes from the mind not the label. I'm cool whatever we fly with."

"Team A it is." Spiritwind confirmed the title.

"How?" Brick wanted a recount.

"Two for, one against, and one undecided. It's simple democracy."

"Now hold on...." The debate continued as the team headed out and into the frozen world beyond the building site. Phase one of the mission had begun, phase two hoped it would get the same chance.

Contents

### Chapter Twenty One

"We've lost him haven't we?" Spiritwind verbalised the general thought as the group struggled to find a lead on Zarg's whereabouts.

"Is anything ever truly lost?" Brick tried to sound ponderous.

"I lost me favourite pen when I was thirteen." Spiritwind rebutted the ponderous notion.

"Obviously I meant in a more cerebral sense." Brick maintained a pompous air.

"He'll turn up again. A little belief can go a long way in these situations." Fate spoke from a position of authority on the matter. It was the final word as the foursome continued in the direction Zarg had last been seen heading. Reaching a junction offering three residential streets, they stopped.

"Which way?" Brick pointed out the obvious question. There were no little, green aliens to be seen on any of the options.

"Left, right or straight ahead?" Fate could say no more.

"Which way would you advise, being the all seeing Fate?" Brick searched for assistance.

"Whichever way feels right." Fate was non committal.

"Is that one of those subliminal tricks to make us say right without realising you told us to?" Brick had watched too many magicians on telly.

"It wasn't anything. It was just advice." Fate didn't know what he was meant to be denying but did so vehemently.

"I see. You can't help us. Message received." Brick nodded and winked as though he got the subliminal message but would keep it secret. "We need to turn right." Brick whispered to Spiritwind. The fellow hero accepted the news with a similar tap of the nose. The group continued to the right. Fate considered protesting his innocence but didn't see the point.

Brick and Spiritwind strolled ahead, Fate and Fut followed behind assuming the air of watchful parents wandering through a park with their offspring. Fate took the opportunity to speak to Fut about the error he had become aware of.

"Can I speak to you in confidence Fut?"

"Always, my foresighted friend. What goes in my head don't feel no need to come out without good reason." It was Fut's version of yes.

"It appears there may have been a mix up with our heroes. It's possible that the duo in front of us may not in fact be the pair trained from birth to defend the Earth." Fut nodded along as Brick found himself trapped amidst a frozen flock of fleeing pigeons. Spiritwind could only shake his head in a knowingly mocking manner. "It's possible that the true saviours live next door to these two."

"That may be an error of far reaching proportions my friend."

"I know. It wasn't entirely my fault. A set of circumstances too ridiculous to go through came together to thwart me."

"Or....." Fate liked Fut's 'ors'. "Maybe the dudes that do wouldn't have done. Perhaps these cats are the ones that can see us through and those errors just be fate working in ways too mysterious for even you to know about?" The added sway of the neck made it all the more plausible.

"I like that take on it." Fate drummed his chin. "I think its God that works in mysterious ways though, not me."

"God don't work. I been to his office more times than a bee's buzzed and he always out playing golf or lunchin.'"

"Guess they're the perks of being the figure head of the franchise. So you think Brick and Spiritwind may be up to the task?" Fate continued to watch the twosome.

"I just think what I think, truth don't always follow. You even checked what they can do?"

"That's a good point actually. Cheers Fut." Fut shrugged in an encouraging manner as Fate approached the Earthlings. Having freed himself from the pigeons, Brick swung from a wasp. Spiritwind balanced atop a row of dandelions.

"I see you like.....gymnastic type things." Fate didn't know how to describe what the two were doing. "How were you at P.E?" He tried to form his request for information in to a more recognisable question.

"I never really saw the point in running unless I was being chased." Brick fell flat on his back, again.

"Plus if you did well one week they always expected you to do better the week after. If you ran within your means you could always improve if needed." Spiritwind skipped on to a cobweb.

Fate screwed up his mouth and looked to the sky. "What about building things? Were you good at woodwork?"

"I did woodwork, although I was asked to leave after super gluing my eyebrow to the sanding machine." Brick clambered back to his feet. He rubbed his thigh even though it didn't hurt.

"Physics?"

"I liked science." Fate raised a grin at Brick's declaration. "But science didn't like me." The grin returned to a frown.

"What are you good at?"

"I'm a great cook." Spiritwind beamed as he offered a fairy cake as proof. Fate declined. He didn't trust any food produced from a hidden source.

"And I'm your man for inventing things." Brick had nothing to offer in support.

"Really, what have you made?" Fate saw a glimmer of hope.

"I'm strictly an ideas man. I leave the building side of things to my team."

"So what has your team built?"

"Well I'm still waiting for funding for an actual team." Fate covered his eyes as reality asked to be accepted. Brick continued. "I do have one idea about our mission though. If you're the all seeing Fate why don't you just tell us what we're supposed to do? You must have seen us win otherwise you wouldn't have picked us, right?" The smiles were difficult to shoot down with the truth. Fate avoided the issue of his error and focused on the technicalities of his job.

"Being Fate doesn't exactly work like that. I don't see the future. I merely guide a number of events to achieve an overall outcome. My ability lies in being able to see the inter-connected nature of humanity and the consequence of action."

"Due to the social instincts of humans as a race?" Brick studied a falling spider as he nonchalantly revealed one of the many coherent thoughts he usually hid behind inane rambling.

"Exactly." Fate was pleased to find at least some vein of understanding. He continued to explain. "Keeping track of every conscious being on the planet requires a lot of notes and some ridiculously hard sums. I deal in cause and affect on a grand scale. For instance, I knew that if I allowed a certain young lady the chance to win a little extra cash whilst shopping she would go out that evening. With her propensity for drunken theft and mischief, and her habit of walking to a particular street before hailing a taxi, I could be sure she would leave any large, stolen objects in the nearest garden. Your tendency to leave for work with the bare minimum of time, combined with your infinite curiosity and work shy attitude, meant I could easily secure you the day off." Fate paused for any plaudits. None were forthcoming. He continued in a more sheepish fashion.

"Knowing what would be required to keep you safe from the beam that has frozen Earth, I arranged for your positions in the yoghurt factory several weeks ago. And knowing how you would amuse yourselves if I could give you the day off, I merely set the wheels in motion and waited, for no better word, for fate to take its course. As for the exact route the young lady would take to your house and who won the game of yoghurt bucket,..." Both men pointed to themselves. "...they are insignificant details I neither need nor want to know. They are simply the gravel that lines the path, irrelevant in terms of the path's structure and direction, only there to take your mind off the fact that a path even exists."

"Do you not know your own path though, because if we're together you should be able to look at your own future and have a sneaky peek at us while doing so?" Spiritwind probed further.

"I choose not to see my own path. Where would the fun of life be without the unexpected? I occasionally catch a glimpse of myself in other people's lives but I'm quite skilled at forgetting things."

"I can never forget things. Unless it's something I need to remember. Go on, ask me." Brick spoke to Spiritwind. The bald man understood exactly to what his friend referred.

"How many green elephants?"

"Eighteen thousand two hundred and eight." Brick spoke the number solemnly. "Four years I've been trying to forget that number."

"I have to ask why?" Fate obliged his curiosity.

"Because he bet me that I couldn't." Spiritwind smirked back, popping a fun size bar of something chocolaty in his mouth.

"Why not flip the instructions to your mind? Say forget to what you need to know and store what you need to leave behind?" Fut bordered on sense.

"My mind is a tricky beast. It'll know I'm up to something and double bluff me."

"Shoot that tactic down with a triple bluff."

"That's a whole world of confusion waiting to be lost in; plus where's the fun in having a perfect memory?" Brick came to his own peace.

"I ain't got no solutions for thinking like that." Fut admitted defeat.

"So to put things simply, if we ask which way to go, you're not going to answer?" Spiritwind brought the conversation back to the mission as they were faced with another fork in the road.

"I can't. It's too specific." Fate shrugged his defence

The group turned right without any discussion or reason and found themselves on another residential street of little distinction. It appeared quiet and respectable. Many people had been frozen en route to work or taking children to school. Cars were in the midst of being loaded and faces offered tired and rushed expressions. Out of nowhere a sound interrupted the silence. It was that of a body striking the bonnet of a car. Brick ducked behind the vehicle they were next to.

"What are you doing down there?" Spiritwind turned to his friend.

"Just checking the tyres. Interested in what affect being frozen in time has on such a material." Brick was convincing nobody.

"Nothing to do with the loud bang making you jump for cover?" Spiritwind smirked as he observed the scene across the road.

"Was there a bang? I must have missed that. I was checking the tyre you see. Is something going on?" Brick semi peered over the bonnet of the car he was 'checking'.

"Looks like somebody being arrested. Hold on. That's a complete lie." Before Spiritwind's eyes the scene changed to a man in a violently, bright green suit walking a dog barely as big as its lead. A double take had never been so appropriate, Spiritwind executed it to perfection. "You really should stand up. You'll like it."

"He's right. They won't take any notice of us." Fate reassured Brick as he rose to his full height in stages. His confidence returned with each inch.

"They're not scary at all. I don't know what you were worried about." Brick nudged his friend in the ribs, catching him in a particularly sensitive spot. Spiritwind flinched as the scene changed again to a mother shouting at her infant. Brick returned to his cowering position in shock.

"I thought you'd checked that tyre?" Spiritwind queried his friend while rubbing his poked side.

"I did. I think I must have slipped." Brick played out the charade of checking the floor. Spiritwind's expression suggested he wasn't convinced, and that his ribs really hurt.

"What's going on then? What are they because they're clearly not people?" Brick moved on to Fate for an answer to the curious scenes.

"They're Conversation Makers." Fate enticed further questioning as he stroked his chin.

"Of course. Conversation Makers." Brick refused to be drawn in to questioning when enticed. He felt people should just say what they wanted to rather than engineering a query.

"You know what they are?" Fate fell into his own verbal trap as he queried Brick.

"Not a clue. Feel free to explain though." Brick ticked off his moral victory.

"A Conversation Maker...."

"Hold on." Brick interrupted Fate. "Are you listening Spiritwind? I wouldn't want you to have to go through all this twice. Spiritwind?"

"Sorry, what? I was getting in to that guy's singing." Spiritwind pointed to the busker the parent and child had morphed in to. He sang loudly and beyond tune. His only attempt at an instrument was the guitar he banged rather than strummed. "I know he sounds terrible but if you listen in the right way it actually sounds alright." The bemused looks suggested it wasn't up for debate.

"Fate's about to explain what a Conversation Maker is."

"A Conversation Maker? What are they?" Spiritwind continued the circle of confusion.

"One of those things across the road that keeps changing." Brick perpetuated, to Fate's bewilderment.

"I've been wondering about that, very curious even by today's curious standard." Fate coughed in an attempt to interject. He felt the discussion could go on indefinitely.

"That sounds like a nasty cough, Fate. Are you feeling okay?" Brick turned doctor.

"I was trying to interrupt subtly."

"Don't bother with subtlety just jump straight in to the chatter."

Fate took the advice and dove in. "As I was saying about Conversation Makers....."

"....That's the idea. Trick now is not to let us back in. Keep talking or we'll...."

"The art of conversation...." Brick winked approval at Fate's verbal manoeuvre. "...is incredibly complex and takes years to master. However the majority of humans, when in the presence of another of their species, feel the urge to speak almost constantly. No mind can generate the substance needed to fill such vast amounts of time and so Conversation Makers were created." A flutter of the hand pointed across the road to demonstrate the sentence. "These beings wander amongst you creating interesting and often bizarre situations for you to observe. The passing on of such sights fills many a silent gap in your daily lives. With the growing methods of communication and footage of their antics spreading around the world, they are now globally observed."

"Are they one of you then?" Brick moved on to the specifics. Fut took over the role of teacher.

"As far as we and these dudes go we exist on a whole other plain. We can't speak a word to or join in with anything they say."

"They, thinks they're the Earth's original solution to the job he now does, but you never know how seriously to take anything he says." Fate tried to add clarity.

Brick and Spiritwind took a moment for the meaning of the words to sink in. Spiritwind had an instant question. "If they're Conversation Makers that can't make direct conversation shouldn't Irony know something about them?"

"The logic be as watertight as a duck's swimming trunks, but Irony's grasp of her own concept isn't. She don't know what be her concern." Fut summed up the situation with a duck analogy nobody had seen coming.

"Maybe somebody should explain it to her." Brick offered a solution. Fut sucked in the air around his face. It suggested it would be a bad idea.

"They're going to hit each other." Spiritwind brought everyone's attention back to the Conversation Makers. They were currently two men embroiled in a heated discussion. The four stood and watched as the two drew closer and closer together, passing insults all the while. It didn't take long before one pushed the other backwards. The retaliatory push came instantly and with more power, sending one man stumbling towards the ground but never quite reaching it. Seeing a hand sized stone, the falling man grabbed it and spun, hurling it at his opponent before running away. The intended target ducked and considered whether or not to give chase. As he pondered, the stone continued through the air and into a tree. Only a small yelp materialised from the other side.

As each member of the heroic foursome wondered if the others had heard the foliage yelp in pain, a larger question appeared with a thump. Brick felt no embarrassment in voicing this one. "Did a stereotypical 1950's alien just fall from that tree?"

"Judging by the stereotypical 1950's alien on the floor beneath it, I'd say yes." Spiritwind popped a bon-bon in his mouth to accentuate his nonchalance.

"I told you things have a habit of working themselves out with a little belief." Fate felt justified in his smug grin. "Shall we?"

Fate led the group to their bounty. Things were running exactly to plan. Unfortunately nobody knew what the plan consisted of.

Contents

### Chapter Twenty Two

Zarg looked up from his position on the floor. He couldn't work out why he was there and no longer in a tree observing a pair of continually morphing beings. As coherence drifted back, several other questions entered his thoughts: 'Why does my head hurt? Who are these four people I'm surrounded by? Why have I been tied up? And where can I get myself a belt similar to the one restraining me?' He verbalised his last thought, and dribbled as he awaited full control of his mouth to return.

"Nith beltth."

Fut beamed at the compliment his belt received. "Taste truly is a universal flavour. A much appreciated comment my greenest friend. My name is Fut." The hand Fut extended could not be shaken due to the restraint. A nod was shared instead.

"Why mi tied upth?" Zarg wriggled for the sake of wriggling. It seemed accepted protocol in such a situation.

"For you, sir, are our first prisoner, and all prisoners must be tied up." Brick stepped forth with an overplayed explanation. Spiritwind stood by his side with a bag of pork scratchings he'd found in his shoe.

"Sinth when?"

"Since the beginning of Good and Evil. It's one of the rules." Brick continued.

"Which ruleth?" Zarg's teenage rebellious nature flared up. The desire to argue coherently fixed his speech. He sat upright in an effort to gain some sense of authority. "Sorry, I meant to say, which rules?"

"The rules!"

"How is repeating the word supposed to increase my understanding?"

Brick looked at the rest of the team with a disbelieving huff. He attempted to explain. "The unspoken rules of life, that everyone deep down knows and understands but never needs mention or debate because they are clearly the rules."

"So how do I learn the rules?" Zarg felt it was a perfect time to fold his arms. Unfortunately his intentions were hindered by the belt.

"You can't simply be told the rules my good chap. It takes years of experience and immersion within a society to pick up the subtleties and unspoken laws that govern it." Spiritwind toasted his friend's declaration with a chink of two scratchings.

Zarg gave in with his eyes. It was clear Brick had nothing but frustration to offer. He looked to Spiritwind for help. All the bald hero had was an observation.

"Your English is very good. Do you have some form of translation gizmo?"

"I think you'll find I'm not speaking English, I'm speaking Jefferian. A language almost identical to English except for one extra letter that is both silent and invisible."

"That's fortunate, us being able to communicate so easily." Spiritwind made his point to the room, even though they were outside. Nobody reacted except Zarg.

"Fortune! You cannot rely on fortune in such circumstances. We planned to land in a location where Jefferian is the native tongue. Who are you people? I've been captured by fools that clearly have no understanding of the universe beyond their own noses." Zarg closed his eyes in a dismissive manner.

Brick whispered to Spiritwind. "I think he's talking about you."

Spiritwind ignored the dig and focused on Zarg. "And we've clearly captured someone who is yet to learn manners. You barely know us and yet you sit and throw insults; shocking behaviour."

"You've tied me up." Zarg had a point, and an irate tone to express it in.

"Your turn." Spiritwind retreated for dessert, allowing Brick to step back in. Fate and Fut watched on, growing more and more convinced their own doom was unfolding before them.

"Look. We've explained the tying up thing so you're just going to have to stop complaining about it." Brick decided to change tactics and pander to Zarg's sense of superiority in order to extract information. "If we're so ignorant why don't you enlighten us on what we should know?"

"You wouldn't believe me even if I could be bothered to tell you." Zarg retaliated with his own nonchalance. The increased twitching of his feet betrayed his excitement, a fact Brick spotted.

"I would. I'd believe anything that sits within the realms of logic."

"Then untie me and I'll tell you." The alien saw a chance to negotiate.

"You've over estimated our stupidity if you think we'll untie you that easily." Brick believed he'd made an intelligent point.

"What about untying one arm?"

"Half an arm." Brick countered. Spiritwind leant over to point out it was impossible to untie half an arm. "Okay, one arm."

"Two arms!" Zarg thought he may as well try.

"You appear to misunderstand the rules of bartering. We've both at some point conceded one arm will suffice therefore that's the agreement made. You can't agree then up the stakes again." Brick waved for Spiritwind to untie one arm. Spiritwind stared back, unsure what the gesture was supposed to mean.

"Maybe our Jefferian bartering rules are different." Zarg had nowhere to go but lies.

"Then the day I come to your planet and get captured we'll barter by your rules, but for now you're on our planet so our rules stand." Brick made the gesture again.

"Are you okay? You seem to be suffering from some kind of muscle spasm." Spiritwind paused from his bowl of trifle in order to respond.

"That's the signal to untie one arm." Brick tried to whisper and maintain an air of professionalism. He never had it to lose.

"It's no good making up signals on the spot. We need to discuss these things first if you want a fluid operation." Spiritwind began untying one arm. He repeated Brick's signal back to him. "How does that possibly mean untie one arm? It looks more like you want me to dislocate his shoulder."

"I agree. There are far easier ways to say such a thing." Zarg agreed with Spiritwind.

"Prisoners aren't allowed to discuss the merits of signals. It's another rule." Brick sulked as Spiritwind refastened the belt. He also used a subtle shake of the head to let Zarg know Brick was lying about the latest rule. "Just get on with telling us the language thing." Brick had nowhere to go but irritation.

"Okay, but you'll think I'm making it up." Zarg rubbed his arm in the hope of gaining any passing sympathy. It wasn't forthcoming.

"I guess we'll see." Brick prepared to ponder.

A moments posturing followed before Zarg began to speak. "The Earth contains every form of communication in the known, and, many hypothesize, the unknown universe."

Brick let the words fall into his mind. "That sounds highly plausible."

"The strangest part...." Zarg continued. "...is that the languages on Earth mirror the proportions exactly as they exist in the wider universe." Zarg awaited the disbelief.

"That makes as much sense as any other explanation."

"You're just saying that." Zarg had his best smug face prepared. He slipped it back in to his pocket.

"Why would I just say it? Vocal chords, in all their shapes and sizes, must only be capable of a finite number of sounds. And it isn't that ridiculous to imagine them all being in one place." Brick treated it as the most obvious fact he'd ever heard.

"What if I said I was lying and I had a translation gizmo all along?" Zarg grew annoyed.

"Then I'd have to believe you, although I'd be a little upset. I like the linguistic map idea."

"Then I was lying. I'm using a gizmo hidden in my ear to translate everything." Zarg's stubbornness became a loyal companion to his annoyance.

"Not quite as romantic but infinitely more practical."

"Romantic? What if I said I was lying about the gizmo and it is the language map explanation?" Zarg focused solely on annoying Brick, although he seemed to be the only one getting wound up.

"How about you decide what the truth is and let me know when you're ready." Brick offered a cheeky wink as Zarg wished he could walk away.

"So why exactly are you here, Zarg?" Spiritwind moved in, playing the less frustrating cop in the questioning style the duo had fallen in to.

"To take over your planet and make it our new home." Zarg took the smug face back out and used it fully. To try and take over somebody's planet was bad enough, but to announce it to the natives in such a flippant manner was pure provocation, provocation that fulfilled the aliens wish to annoy Brick.

"Should I hit him?" The wave of Brick's fist suggested the strike was prepared.

"Why?" Spiritwind sought logic.

"It's in the rules, isn't it?"

"You can hit me if it makes you feel better but be warned my skin is as tough as concrete." Zarg rocked, doubly smug at inducing Brick's rage.

Brick leaned forward in response and poked Zarg's skin. It depressed in the manner a humans would. "Liar."

"What happened to believing anything?" Zarg feared for his nose. It was big and easily breakable.

"I will do if it makes sense and the only reason not to believe it is just because. In this circumstance option C was available to me." A glint flashed across Brick's face.

"Option C?" Zarg didn't like the look of the glint.

"To test the statement. You left yourself wide open to option C you see."

"What's a 'C' and why are you calling me one? Is this something to do with those rules again? Be mean to little green men." Zarg opted for sympathy to avoid the punch.

"Who's calling you a 'C'? That would be a rubbish thing to call someone. I meant do you see?" Brick tried to mop up the confusion.

"I see fine, yes."

"So you understand?" The conversation had split on to two separate paths.

"Because my vision is fine I understand? I don't understand what my vision has to do with any of this. Are you going to poke my eyes out?" Zarg couldn't understand less if he tried.

"Poke your eyes out? Look, it's very simple. Can you see what you've done?" Brick grew increasingly lost.

"Not unless my actions have been recorded and will be played back to me. Have my actions been recorded and will they be played back to me? Will it be the last thing I see before you poke my eyes out?"

Brick turned to Fate and Fut who had long been embroiled in their own conversation. Seeing his request for assistance they shrugged their apology at being unable to directly help and continued with their chat. Spiritwind believed he may be able to add clarity.

"You're being too literal. Zarg, saying 'you see' is a figure of speech." Spiritwind interpreted the silence to mean he'd cracked it. Zarg covered his eyes before destroying Spiritwind's efforts with one question.

"What's a figure of speech?"

"What's a figure of speech?" The duo couldn't fathom such stupidity until they stopped and tried to explain it to themselves in their minds. Brick took the first stab at verbalising his thoughts.

"A figure of speech...." The thought process could be seen doing laps of his face. "....is in itself a figure of speech." To Brick this made perfect sense; however the intention had been to explain it to Zarg who had just heard the phrase for the first time. Spiritwind went on to offer a few examples, none of which helped.

After several examples Zarg finally felt secure his eyes would remain in their sockets, but still couldn't grasp what the two Earthlings were talking about.

".....I can see that one stitch now saves nine in the future, but why say that when a crack appears in a car windscreen? Why not say 'if we fix that crack now we won't have to replace it in a few weeks when the whole thing breaks?" Zarg had moved deeper in to the discussion than had been intended.

"It's a simple analogy of one situation being applied across a variety of others. It helps people understand rarer problems by comparing them to more common ones." Spiritwind had persisted.

"So how often have you used a stitch in time to save nine? If it is such a common occurrence?" Zarg unleashed his sucker punch to a wall of blank expression. The answer was clear without words being used.

"Shall I hit him now?" Brick only had one option left. Fortunately for Zarg, Fate stepped in.

"Perhaps we should head back to base and pool our resources?"

"Base?" Brick remained argumentative.

"Yes?" Fate had nothing but confusion for Brick's query.

"What base?"

"The construction site." Fate seemed bemused.

"That isn't a base it's a hiding place. A base has maps and secret entrances and a table with little versions of us to move around." Brick persisted.

"I'll find you a map then." Fate negotiated as he tried to get the group moving.

"And a pointing stick? A map is nothing without a stick to point at it with."

"And a stick." Fate helped Zarg to his feet as the group headed back to the hotly debated base. Brick waved his arm in preparation for the stick it would duly hold. Team A were in a generally buoyant if not slightly argumentative mood after recording their first success. Time would show if it was also the last.

Contents

### Chapter Twenty Three

"....nobody will admit it of course but it is true." They shared his wisdom with Coincidence.

"Why don't you prove it? Stop everyone getting it wrong." Coincidence followed the conversation with sincerity. The two concepts sat atop sandbags awaiting the return of Team A. Karma and Irony stood twenty feet away, discussing something that required a dismissive glance to be thrown at Coincidence every few minutes.

"It isn't my place to prove things. I merely put the truth out there. It's for the people to choose whether to believe it or not."

"Truth?" Coincidence smiled as the two trickled through aimless banter.

"Well, potential truths." They defended his words.

"And by definition, not 'the' truth."

"Ah but what is truth? Is it the fundamental belief that what we say to be correct or the proven tests of man to verify his ideas? Did Einstein's theory make Newton before him a liar? If so will Einstein one day be considered a fibber of epic proportions as his theory is usurped? The truth shifts my friend but belief remains." They nodded; convinced he'd made his point.

"No matter how hard you believe it rice won't ever be chopped up strands of spaghetti."

"We'll see." It was always difficult to tell when They was being serious. Generally the other concepts would presume he was winding them up. They were prepared to look silly on the odd occasion he meant what he said.

Coincidence turned and looked out across Puddleton just in time to catch the bald head of Spiritwind passing across the ground beneath them. Such timing was a perk of the job.

"I think Team A are back." Nudging They, the pair stood and wandered over to the door to greet the returning gaggle. Passing Karma and Irony on the way, a snippet leaked from the ladies discussion.

"I wish he'd just be straight with me." Irony had been confiding in Karma about liking Coincidence.

"Men are never straight. They say one thing but they always mean something else. It's our job as women to find the true meaning behind everything they utter. Believe me some of the things you interpret are shocking. Fate told me last week he would do anything to see my smile last forever." The look of scorn left Irony confused but unwilling to admit it.

"Really?" Irony hoped Karma would illuminate the situation.

"If he thinks I'm depressed and bring him down he can just say it to my face. There's no need for such underhand comments. He regretted it when he made me a bacon sandwich to cheer me up. You wouldn't think a slip with a bread knife could cause such a wound."

"I clearly have a lot to learn." Irony felt puzzled. She threw an irritated look Coincidence's way without even thinking. He turned back to the door. "And now he won't even look at me." She turned to Karma, eager to learn. The lesson was interrupted by the emergence of Fate through the doorframe.

"We have news of success." Fate let his actions do the talking and stood to one side. He revealed Spiritwind in nonchalant pose.

"You were expecting the little alien to be stood here weren't you?"

"Yes I was. Where is he?" Fate's embarrassment turned quickly in to investigation.

"He's on the stairs, winding Brick up." Fut entered in his usual manner, assuring the group Brick was on his way. Spiritwind and Fate took a seat as they waited. By the time Brick arrived general chit chat had broken out amongst the concepts, taking away any sense of drama his entrance may have had. He carried a stereotypical looking alien under one arm.

Having struggled to coax Zarg up the stairs Brick realised he was far bigger and stronger than the alien and could simply lift him. He released Zarg once far enough from the exit, or entrance depending on your intentions. Zarg scuttled a few feet before turning to face Brick. Brick had a statement to make.

"And that my little friend is why your attempted takeover is doomed." Brick flexed to accentuate his point.

"Why, because you can carry me up stairs? Firstly: your ability to carry me has no bearing on the current situation. Your people are frozen whereas mine are in the midst of the most ingenious plan the universe has ever known. Secondly: it took you five minutes to work out you could pick me up. Thirdly: you're an idiot, and fourthly: I've got your wallet." Brick began to mouth a response before realising what Zarg had just said. His face opted for confusion as the body went into panicked search mode. Brick's wallet remained in his pocket, much to his relief.

"And fifthly: I can fool you whenever I wish." Zarg emanated enough smug to power a small village for nigh on fifteen minutes.

"Maybe we should tie the prisoner to something." Fate intervened as Brick threw a punch with his eyes.

"Good idea. Then he can't move when I clock him."

"I'm afraid I can't condone that. The prisoner should be secured for the purpose of questioning though." Fate added procedure to the adventure as Zarg searched for hiding places. He wasn't quick enough as Brick grabbed the belt that still restrained one arm. After acknowledging and greeting the other concepts with a subtle nod, Brick headed to the far corner where a swivel chair sat. It faced a sheet of wood covered in building plans and appeared to double as a desk. Sitting the alien down, Zarg began to speak.

"Do I not get a say in this?"

"You're the prisoner, we're the captors. It's a very simple and clear cut line. You do as we say." Brick felt obliged to explain.

"Its discrimination you know. It's because I 'm green isn't it?" Zarg had studied the social history of humanity.

"Nope, it's because you're trying to take over the planet." Brick didn't entertain the argument.

"How do you know that for sure? How do you know it isn't those new 'friends' of yours that are trying to take over the planet and I'm here to save you?" Zarg's eyes flashed with cunning. Brick mulled the idea over.

"That is a possibility. Unfortunately you didn't think to say that when we first met. Instead you said you were here to take over the world." Brick gave the belt an extra tight pull.

"I did, didn't I?" Zarg remembered and cursed his impetuous nature.

"You did. I may be an idiot but I've got a memory. Good try though." Brick stood up satisfied with his efforts. He felt confident the alien was securely fastened to the chair, the chairs position in time and space required no questioning. "If we weren't pitted on opposite sides of Good and Evil I think we may get along, in a big brother little brother manner." Brick revealed an olive branch.

"You mean constantly arguing and fighting?" Zarg questioned the branch.

"Exactly, but with no lasting malice." Brick beamed at his first attempts at tying up an evil doer within his new hero capacity. Wiping his hands together he turned to rejoin the others. Zarg cursed beneath his breath before trying a different tactic.

"Can I come, if we're like brothers?"

"No." Brick answered without turning.

"Why?" Zarg kicked his feet.

"Because you're still the prisoner and the prisoner has to be tied up." Brick still didn't turn.

"Who says?"

"The rules; it always comes back to the rules." Brick approached a conversation with They and Coincidence while Zarg huffed and puffed about life and its unfair nature. Fate had been pulled to one side by Karma, who had interpreted his latest smile to mean he'd been chatting to another woman. Devoid of a conversation partner Irony looked towards Coincidence, scorning every glance he tried to reciprocate. Fut stood at the edge of the floor gazing out on Puddleton as Spiritwind sat nearby eating cherry drops he'd stored up the sleeve of his T-shirt. The group were slowly gelling, slow being the operative word.

Contents

### Chapter Twenty Four

".....as the customer it's my right not to want salad." Brick asserted his rights to Spiritwind, Irony, and They. Irony had been at a loose end after Fate and Karma began a relationship based chat. She wished she'd chosen a quiet corner instead. "The looks I get. If there wasn't a counter between us I believe I would have been mauled by many a....a food.......server upper."

"Why don't you just eat it? It doesn't even taste of anything." Irony released her frustration in the form of criticism.

"How is that an argument? Eat it because it doesn't taste of anything. Would you buy a perfume that doesn't smell of anything?" Irony's expression offered nothing but defeat. "And it still costs the same without salad. If you want extra they stick it on the bill but when you ask to take something off suddenly the rules they impose disappear in a puff of profit based morality....."

Coincidence walked back towards the salad conversation. He'd left to speak to Fate but feared interrupting the telling off his brother was receiving from Karma. As he passed Zarg the little alien attracted his attention.

"You." Zarg had worked out exactly who was who but didn't feel anyone had earned the right to have their name used yet.

"Me?" Coincidence paused.

"Well clearly you. This is too tight. Any chance you could loosen it a little?" Zarg pulled his best sympathetic face.

"It's supposed to be tight. If it was loose it wouldn't hold you in place." Coincidence made a highly valid point.

"This is a whole different level of tight though. Come on."

"It can't be that tight or you wouldn't be able to talk so freely." Coincidence approached the query logically.

"That is true, I can speak, but have you noticed that everything I say is a complaint about how tight this belt is?" Zarg parried logic with logic.

"I've noticed that most things you say are complaints of one kind or another." Coincidence prepared to walk away. Zarg tried a different approach.

"You know my people hold the notion of coincidence very highly. Some would say it sits at the very core of our society's belief structure. Were our takeover to be successful, whoever secured the role of coincidence would be something of a God." The raise of Zarg's eyebrow suggested all the mischief his words held. "I could speak to a few people in the right places were my belt to become loose." The wink oozed nonchalance with a hint of dastardly intent. Coincidence paused for a moment, looking to the ceiling in fake consideration.

"But.....if I help these guys conquer you I can carry on with my enjoyable life without offending everyone I hold dear, and without the prospect of Karma hunting me for the rest of my life. Cheers though." Coincidence strolled back towards the group.

By the time he arrived Irony had sidled off to a corner to stare at her shoes, Fut remained happy staring out to the horizon, Fate and Karma continued their talk, and Spiritwind entertained himself studying a drop of water frozen mid fall. Brick and They continued to chat, although the snippet Coincidence heard was enough to convince him not to hang around.

"Belief is the key. If you believe it then the person you tell will pick up on that." They had found a willing student to mentor in the way of potential truths.

"Belief. Got it."

"So how does gravity work again?" They, teed Brick up.

"Gravity. Well it's funny you should ask that. Gravity is created by...." They stopped Brick before fully into his stride.

"Try to make it more conversational rather than like a scripted idea, as though it means everything yet at the same time nothing." They began liking the idea of an apprentice to mould.

"Right, conversational, means nothing, could be everything." Brick composed himself once more. "That gravity isn't what you think, none of this mass business. It's all about straws and a race unbeknown to the rest of the world that live at the Earth's core. Ninety percent lungs and ten percent mouth, these beings live in communities of thousands and spend their days sucking on unfeasibly thin straws to hold everything on the planet's surface."

"Really, but how when the Earth is so hot at its core?" They played along with maximum encouragement and minimum patronisation.

"The heat is a myth made up to keep anybody from discovering the truth. Have you ever been in a cave? Damp and cold. How? If it's closer to the core than the surface?....."

"That's a good point actually. Tell me more about this." They was sucked in.

"That's all I've got so far." Brick smiled at the praise.

"When you think about it that makes far more sense than things being attracted to each other because they're big." They stroked his chin, wishing he had a beard to twiddle with. Spiritwind approached the pair. A subtle nod from They suggested Brick should try out his theory on his friend, a friend who had overheard the whole conversation.

"Spiritwind. How goes it? Would you like to hear how gravity really works?" Brick winked towards They as he prepared to unleash his idea.

"I know how gravity works." Spiritwind popped another peanut in his mouth. He believed the snack gave an air of casual confidence.

"You may think you do but would you like to hear how it really works?" Brick shook slightly with eagerness.

"I know how it really works: lung based men at the centre of the Earth sucking on straws."

"No. Ha ha. Oh hold on. Yes. No. How?" Brick argued internally as Spiritwind sought to move the mission along.

"Should we get on with interrogating the captive?" Spiritwind asked anyone who would listen. They stepped forward in place of anyone.

"If you feel the words are in alignment then you should."

"Are you being vague in the hope we'll presume great wisdom, because you don't look old enough to get away with that." Spiritwind added a bounce of his head to the delivery of each peanut.

"Wisdom is the intelligence of mystery. A mirage that only the observer interprets." They had the final word on the matter as Brick's confusion queried Spiritwind.

"Where did you hear about the lung people?"

"It's common knowledge. Anyway should we start questioning or not?" Spiritwind repeated his request. Everybody was too busy to listen.

Fate and Karma had ended their chat, leaving Irony free to return to her favoured conversation partner for all the latest gossip. Coincidence saw his opportunity to speak to Fate, although he'd forgotten what he wanted to say. Instead the brothers discussed their continuing confusion when faced with the opposite sex. Fut hadn't moved for several minutes as he recharged his harmonious soul. Only They continued to acknowledge Spiritwind's question.

"I can only repeat, if you feel the words are in correct alignment then let them flow forth."

"Are you saying if I know what to say, say it; only in a really fancy way?"

"Since when were stories of lung people common knowledge?" Brick hadn't been as confused for some time, fortunately it was a state he enjoyed.

"I speak of the true nature of words." They continued to be vague in the hope he could explain one of his greatest notions.

"It's been known for ages." Spiritwind continued to converse with both at once. He turned back to They. "Go on then. Tell us about the true nature of words." Spiritwind hoped the explanation would take Brick's mind off gravity and allow him to return to one conversation at a time.

"The words you speak are their own entities, vying to be spoken to fulfil their purpose. Floating through the air they seek hosts to offer them the ultimate accolade of being said. Within this very area thousands upon thousands of words will have convened in the hope of latching on to the right conversations in order to be heard. Have you never considered uttering a word only to hear somebody else say that exact thing moments after you deemed it not worthy?" They was in full flow. The nods that returned confirmed interest in the idea. "A word will try every host in the room before giving in. Freudian slips are merely aggressive words seeing a chance to be said and barging in where they are not relevant. With such a conversation as this the word, 'word' will have been alerted. Huge numbers will be heading this way sniffing a chance to be uttered." They's grin grew with each passing sentence.

"Then I refuse to give it the satisfaction." Brick forgot about the lung people and decided to be stubborn about words instead.

"You may decide but their power is strong. The pressure to say word will build to levels only nature can equal. You will erupt." They tried to look menacingly wise. His wandering eyes made the expression unachievable.

"My strength is immeasurable against such challenges. Right now the wo..., that collection of letters is the furthest w.., noise based communication symbol from my mind." Brick felt a bead of sweat forming on his brow.

"So where do new words come from? Are they born?" Spiritwind pandered to They's tale with genuine interest.

"All the words that exist are already present. Those that have attached themselves to objects and the like are merely the successful. Many others have to be satisfied as mispronunciations of better known words or reside as slang. Usually the youth are an easy target for such tactics. All words however are aiming for their ultimate dream, a place in the dictionary." They, stood as proud as a newly elected President speaking to his people for the first time.

"That must be where we got montonomon from." Spiritwind looked at Brick. He refused to answer in fear of what he'd utter. His mouth sat pursed, ready to speak, however his facial muscles refused to comply; trapping the words behind a red face and a look of determined panic. Spiritwind continued to explain to They. "We came up with 'the montonomon moment': the point between the penultimate moment and the event occurring. Maybe one day we'll see it in the dictionary." Spiritwind beamed as proud as an expectant parent in a maternity ward.

"Maybe." They concurred.

"Word, word, word, word, word, word, word. Happy now." Brick could hold on no longer and blurted out the only thing on his mind.

"It is not me that gains joy but the words around us that have been set free." They motioned to the air.

"Well I never. Should we go and question the alien then?" Spiritwind put the idea to one side for consideration later. For now he wished to carry on with the adventure. He was starting to enjoy himself.

As nobody had responded to verbal encouragement, Spiritwind started walking towards Zarg, offering hand gestures and twitches to the rest of the concepts in order to gain their attention and signal his intentions. As they interpreted the signals the focus moved towards a little green alien strapped to a chair. He was the only available source of answers, but did his captors know the questions that would release them?

Contents

### Chapter Twenty Five

Irony continued to smile smugly.

As Brick and Spiritwind had prepared to begin questioning Zarg she'd noticed a buckle protruding from the alien's ribs. Further investigation had revealed a bag on Zarg's back.

The Jefferians had long passed the need for fashion, practicality sat at the core of their clothing. Everything they wore gave them warmth and protection without the hindrance of looking a certain way, except for the gloves which were designed to uphold a stereotype. It cut out social friction altogether, although magazine sales had dwindled to almost nil as a result. The bag Zarg wore blended in to his body perfectly; hence it hadn't been spotted until Irony caught the glinting buckle as she'd turned aloofly away from Coincidence.

Brick had emptied the contents in a polite yet thorough manner. The slice of Dovwar pie had stirred Spiritwind, however seeing the look of panic in Zarg's eyes when he realised he may lose it had spoken to Spiritwind in a way no words could. Spiritwind would never deny a fellow lover of food their passion. Replacing the various contents, most of which appeared to only be useful to Zarg, Brick left one item out: the silver gloves. Spiritwind adopted them as his own for the purpose of study as Brick focused his attention on Zarg. The concepts remained observers in a vague semi circle arrangement.

"You'll get nothing from me." Zarg stared resolutely away from Brick.

"Why?" Brick had never interrogated anyone before.

"Why? Is he serious?" Zarg looked for support from the concepts. All they offered were nods and murmurs to confirm the human was indeed serious. "I'm the bad guy and you two are what loosely fulfil the term good guys. When does the bad guy ever help the good guy?"

"When on the brink of defeat he decides to help for no reason other than to leave a lasting good impression and to let everyone know that deep down he had a good heart and maybe you shouldn't hate him so much. Although personally I think that's a cop out. Prove you're good at the start. Your actions were only brought on by impending death, a death you brought on yourself by starting the whole mess through greed. Rather than saving the day when it's gone too far consider what you're starting. Would make a terrible film but it's morally sound." Brick vented a long held thought.

"For future reference its best not to actually ask him a direct question." Fate offered Zarg a tip.

Brick continued to speak to Zarg. "To be fair you barely fill the bad guy role. You're more the loveable, confused follower of the bad guy that no-one really blames." Zarg took offence.

"And who are you, Hugo Cortizone?" Hugo Cortizone was the greatest hero in the universe. Even legends and Gods had his poster on their walls. The comment was entirely lost on Brick who wouldn't know Hugo if he wore a T-shirt bearing his own name and shook Brick by the hand while stating 'Hello I'm Hugo Cortizone'.

Brick's confusion saw him turn to the concepts. Zarg sat disappointed at not being considered the bad guy type. As the alien matured he would see this as a good thing, but for now it was another insult to add to his growing bitterness.

Brick eventually spoke to the concepts. "Anyone wish to offer any of that help you're here to give? I'm looking at you Fate with your 'not going to help out' face."

Fate had been thinking about something else and felt surprised at suddenly being singled out. "My what? Not helping out face? I don't have a 'not helping out' face. Do I?"

"Oh you do." Spiritwind continued to toy with the gloves as he joined in his friend's verbal mischief. "You're pulling it right now."

"Really?" Fate touched his cheeks with a hint of concern. "I thought this was my casual, relaxing face."

"It is. Casually relaxing and not helping anyone out." As Brick continued to torment Fate, Spiritwind observed Zarg letting down his defences. Believing the focus of the room to have shifted the alien had taken a few deep breaths, revealing an expression of concern that belied the stubborn, confident attitude he displayed. Spiritwind pounced, moving in close and pulling his most intimidating grimace.

"Tell me everything you know." Spiritwind caught Zarg completely off guard. Jumping backwards in his chair the alien had nothing but stutters and the beginnings of words. Spiritwind continued. "Where is your base?" It seemed a perfectly apt question for the circumstance, although had the alien answered coherently rather than the stream of stuttering noises, neither Brick nor Spiritwind would have known how to use the information. "How do the gloves work?" Zarg looked deep in to Spiritwind's eyes as he moved ever closer. Spiritwind's true nature betrayed his words as gentleness seeped from within. The little alien's composure gathered itself before sidling into the corner in embarrassment at momentarily being lost.

"For a moment there you had me." A heavy breathing punctuated Zarg's response.

"Tell us wha...."

"It's gone now though." Zarg took control once more.

"Are you sure?" Spiritwind continued to grimace.

"I'm more than sure. You just look uncomfortable now."

"Oh." Spiritwind's face returned to ambivalence.

"I believe effort should be rewarded though so I'll answer one question."

Spiritwind put his hand across Brick's mouth before he could blurt out the first thing that came to mind. "What do the gloves do?" Spiritwind sensed the gloves were important. After trying them on he realised they offered no warmth and suspected they may be for something else. The concepts stood around, intrigued at the live theatre being played out before them.

"I can't tell you about the gloves; anything else but not the gloves." Zarg knew the power they held would offer too big an advantage to the duo, no matter how incompetent they seemed.

"You said you'd answer one question." Brick felt the law was on their side.

"And I will. I never said I'd answer any question." Everyone recounted the previous sentences. Annoyingly the little alien was correct. Spiritwind opted for a different tactic.

"Rubbish gloves anyway. They don't even keep your hands warm. What's the point in a pair of gloves that don't keep your hands warm?"

Brick picked up on the roués and joined in. He suspected he knew where his fellow hero wished to take the conversation. "That's aliens for you. Shoddy. Guess that's why we're winning." Brick's smug grin was too much for Zarg's teenage need for the upper hand. The alien let out a scoff worthy of royalty.

"Something amusing, Zarg; other than your species attempt at a pair of gloves?" Spiritwind and Brick shared their own scoff.

"If only you knew what you held." Zarg shook his head to stop the words pouring from him.

"We do know what we hold, a rubbish pair of gloves that don't even look good." The human duo smirked at each other.

"You won't be smirking when we steal the very heart from your society." Zarg's tongue loosened.

"As long as you leave my bed well alone you can take whatever you like." Brick had never spoken a truer sentence. Zarg could tell, irking him further.

"I suppose your feeble minds with your basic understanding of the universe believe time to be frozen too." Another scoff escaped Zarg as his tone hardened and his skin turned slightly yellow in frustration. By now his parents would have bitten and he could vent his fury with vague justification. His mind had nothing to process except the need to prove the two bumbling captors wrong.

"On a day such as this I'm presuming nothing, especially when it comes to my understanding of time; however my understanding of gloves knows that this is a pair from a species with a very poor grasp of hand wear." Spiritwind's sentence creaked at the level of patronising tone he squeezed in to it. It was too much for Zarg. He had to regain the upper hand and prove he knew infinitely more than the duo, no mater what it took

"Well what if I told you that those 'gloves' actually created a time field around the wearer allowing them to move objects that are seemingly frozen." Zarg's skin returned to its natural colour at the release of the tension he'd built up. His mind's ability for straight thinking also returned with a crash, furious at the mess anger and frustration had left behind. He knew instantly what he'd done and hung his head in shame at being goaded in to giving up information.

"I'd say thank you very much and cheekily ask how to control them?" Spiritwind's wink poured salt across Zarg's gaping error. A sulk descended across the alien as his lower lip poked out to signal his mood to the world. The concepts looked at each other amazed that success had found its way through such chaos.

"Right, time to find some food." Spiritwind slipped the gloves back on and searched for a switch of any kind. He retreated to the building materials for test purposes.

Fate approached Brick with a suggestion: "If you intend to go out to search for food perhaps you should combine it with an away mission of your own? See what you can find out." Fate's belief in the duo had risen slightly. Perhaps their unorthodox style held some merit within heroics. It was not a view shared by the other concepts as their eyebrows were raised in unison at the suggestion of letting the pair out unsupervised.

"Us two? Alone? In a world frozen in time and in possession of magical gloves that offer complete control of everything? Is that wise?" Brick felt obliged to spell it out to Fate.

"Yes. After what I've just seen I trust you." The concepts added a wide eyed glance and a frown to the eyebrow display. "If there are any problems we can appear alongside you for assistance."

"Like an army of Obi Won Kenobi's." Brick waved an imaginary light sabre around for no purpose other than his own pleasure.

"Something like that." It was easier to just agree.

"So we do save the world then." Brick continued to battle nothing. Fate had begun walking away only to return to answer Brick's comment.

"Why would you say that?"

"Well, you're Fate. You know how everything turns out. Surely you wouldn't send us out on a mission unless you know we succeed." Brick raised his arms victorious. He'd apparently defeated the unseen foe.

"I explained all that. I don't see the specifics. I'm just acting on what feels right."

"But you know the ultimate outcome of all this?"

"In a way." Fate turned to vagueness as a defence.

"So we must save the world." Brick's logic approached sense without ever reaching it.

"You know I can't reveal anything so I don't know why you keep asking."

"Why do the waves continue to batter the rocks? For one day they know they will produce sand." Brick's arms floated in time to his sentence. Fut overheard the comment and joined in. Fate was glad of the rest.

"Those be some sweet sounding lyrics my man. Mind if I pass them round your home globe?"

"Why don't I invite you over and you can be my guest?" Brick answered in the smooth ones own manner.

"I ain't catching your words too cleanly. Would you be placing a tick in my yes box or saying not today. I'm cool with either reply." Fut bobbed and grinned as though his favourite song had begun playing in his mind.

"It's a yes. Did I not make that clear? I thought I made that very clear." Brick looked around confused. Everyone else had important things to stare at blankly.

"Language is most beautiful when we can all grasp a sample of the pie we verbalise. Keep it clear my man." Fut bobbed away with a grin as Brick stood open mouthed.

"I've definitely got the hang of these now." Spiritwind spoke as he juggled three bricks. Everyone turned to face him, except Karma and Irony who continued chatting. Brick instantly desired a set of gloves for himself. He returned to Zarg.

"I don't suppose you've another pair of those gloves?" Zarg swung his legs without any reaction to Brick. "Maybe you've another bag hidden somewhere about you? Your stomach maybe?" Zarg continued to pay no attention even though he felt hurt at the stomach comment. He'd been doing sit ups every morning for the last week in an effort to rid himself of his troublesome puppy fat. "Have you got anything cooler than the gloves?"

Zarg muttered beneath his breath. "Can't hear you."

Brick leant towards his ear and prepared to shout. Rather than risk the burst eardrum Zarg answered. "Obviously I can actually hear you but I'm sulking, which means for all intents and purposes I'm not going to respond."

"You responded then." Brick, for some reason, felt being pedantic would win Zarg round.

"To save my hearing, now if you don't mind leave me to sulk in peace."

Brick turned around and left the alien to it. Ignorance of a sulk was always the best way to break it. Persistence merely fed the beast. He moved on to Fate. "Have you got a pair of those gloves?"

"Why would I have a pair?"

"Why would you not?" It seemed a valid question in Brick's head.

"I can show you how to make a pair." They saw an opening for some potential truths.

"Really?" Brick's desire blinkered him to his conversation partner.

"Yep. All you need is a clock, an onion, a ball of wool and an old sock."

Brick let the ingredients run through his mind before dismissing the idea. Spiritwind interrupted. "Look at that." Spiritwind had dropped a brick only for it to stop at knee height. Reaching for the object extended the field towards it, meaning every time you tried to retrieve it, it moved slightly further away. "How frustrating could that get?" Nobody shared Spiritwind's excitement as Brick bent Fate's ear further.

"What about any gadgets?" If Fate ever intended to enter a bemused face contest now would have been the perfect time to do so.

"Why don't you share the gloves? One hand each." Fate had a simple solution.

"I can see why you got the job of Fate. Its responsible thinking like that that'll see us to the success you foresaw." Brick walked away before Fate could answer.

A brief conversation saw Spiritwind leave the bricks in mid air and hand over the left glove, a fact which benefited everyone as Brick's left hand dexterity reigned supreme. The well haired one instantly encountered a problem.

"There's only four bits for me fingers. What have you done with the other one?" He turned accusingly to Spiritwind.

"I haven't done anything. He's only got four fingers."

"Really. Mr Alien. Show us your hand." Brick aimed his voice at Zarg.

"Would you like me to roll on the floor so you can kick me and laugh in my face too?" Zarg's sarcasm illustrated the fact his hands were tied to the chair.

"Oh yeh. Sorry. How many fingers have you got?"

"Four." Zarg was so outraged at the further mockery he was receiving he forgot he was meant to be sulking.

"And there's no sneaky thumb you're not counting as a finger just to be funny? A more specific question would involve long definitions of what constitutes a finger but what I'm getting at is how many extra bits would you need on a glove?" Brick believed he'd closed all get out clauses. If Zarg had control of his hand he would have signalled the answer two, in vehement fashion. As it was he offered a bemused response of four before remembering the sulky silence he was supposed to be in the midst of. He cursed his brief resumption of speech and added an extra layer of sadness to his face.

Brick tried various combinations of two fingers in one pocket before settling on the most comfortable. As he put his tongue of concentration away he declared the duo's intent to a room that had been watching all along, mesmerised by the ineptitude displayed to achieve such a simple task. "We shall now stride forth."

"Indeed." Spiritwind concurred as the pair waved a gloved hand each towards the concepts.

"Don't forget to sort out the map while we're gone." Brick left instructions.

"We will." Fate didn't know what else to say.

"And a pointing stick. If you don't get the stick you may as well not bother with the map." The duo disappeared down the stairs with a stumble from Brick. Coincidence turned to his brother.

"Was that really such a good idea?"

"Probably not." What had Fate done?

Contents

### Chapter Twenty Six

"Just think of the mischief we can get up to with these gloves." Brick admired his silver covered hand as he and Spiritwind wandered the frozen streets of Puddleton.

"It's difficult to comprehend." Spiritwind played his part in the conversation, although his mind was focused entirely on the goodies he'd procured from the frozen pedestrians they'd passed. Two chocolate bars battled to be the next snack to achieve their purpose; a soft truffle centre, or a caramel and nut infusion. It definitely felt like a caramel and nut moment.

"We could....I mean we might.....we should....I just don't know where to start." Brick satisfied himself with putting a man's phone back in his pocket mid chat.

"Although we are on a very important mission; maybe we should limit our mucking around time to only a few hours." Spiritwind played the grown up in the discussion.

"Of course, a very important mission indeed, but Fate did say acting honestly to your self allowed destiny's course to run more smoothly." Brick spotted a clause.

"He did say that." A fourth bar of chocolate became nothing more than a wrapper, a few escaped crumbs, and a savoured memory.

"Could I suggest ducking down that alleyway for a moment?" Coincidence appeared in front of the pair and pointed to a six foot gap between two shops. Brick hadn't noticed the concept and walked past oblivious. Spiritwind stopped and raised his eyebrows, to both greet Coincidence and mock Brick's stupidity.

"That's a good impression of Coincidence." Brick compounded his error with words. "You should do him saying something more relevant though, 'what are the odds?' Something like that." Brick realised he was walking alone. He turned to discover why. "Oh hello, Coincidence. Fancy seeing you here."

"What are the odds?" Coincidence demonstrated his sense of humour. Using simple hand movements he repeated his request to head down the alleyway.

"Be honest with us. Is this a trap? I'd be mortified to fail so quickly if it were." Brick queried the concept as he adhered to his request.

"No it isn't a trap. Although I'd say that even if it was."

"I wouldn't be so sure you would." Brick tried to give a knowing look. It came across as the face of a man who'd squeezed an egg too hard in his pocket.

"What would I say?"

"I'm not entirely sure." Brick closed his eyes in order to appear wise. It just made him feel sleepy.

Putting the discussion to one side the trio walked around thirty feet down the alley, eventually crouching behind an industrial sized bin. There was ample room to hide whilst maintaining enough space to see out in to the street. Spiritwind had a thought. "We'd better turn our gloves off. We don't want to knock anything over and draw attention to ourselves."

"And how would we do that?" Brick stared at his glove with an impressive level of clueless-ness.

"Like this." Spiritwind leaned across and touched a part of Brick's glove in a speedy yet precise manner.

"What did you do? I didn't get any of that."

"I just...."

"We could do with a little silence for a moment." Coincidence entered the debate. He pointed to the end of the alleyway as four aliens walked past. All looked identical to Zarg, only slightly different at the same time. They each carried a rucksack, the tone and colour blending into the wearer in a similar vein to Zarg's, although their sheer size made them obvious. Between them they carried a small car sized crate on poles. Judging by their freedom of movement they were either extremely strong or the crate was empty.

After giving the aliens a minute or so, to be out of earshot, Brick spoke.

"We would have walked straight in to them had you not turned up. Thank you for using your coincidenc...ing powers." Brick had no idea if coincidencing was even a word.

"I didn't use my powers. We could see you walking straight in to them from the building site. I just volunteered to come and warn you. Irony was confusing me." Coincidence sank into a pondering expression.

"Of course she's confusing you. That's what women do, but true love is never a simple ship to moor." Brick basked in romantic notions.

"It's hardly love. I'm intrigued at best." Coincidence defended his emotions.

"That's sweet. You're still in denial. Perhaps the greatest love is that which both refuse to acknowledge." Brick continued to speak. Spiritwind was busy working his way through his foraged snacks.

"There's nothing to acknowledge. Most of the time we don't even get on; I just find there's something about her."

"Have you seen a sweet side to that hard exterior, a misunderstood soul seeking somebody to hold her tight and allow her true nature to flourish? A damsel trapped within a castle of unfocused anger, and you are the one understanding knight that can leap the moat of snide remarks and threatening stares to free her to a land of smiles?" Brick gave it both barrels as Coincidence nodded along.

"Maybe."

"Oh dear, not only is it love it's blind love. I'm afraid you have to accept the eternally rolling barrel of emotions you've bought a ticket for." Brick offered a sorrowful pat on the back. Spiritwind agreed from behind a head sized marshmallow.

"But she's so...."

"She isn't, but there's no convincing you. You're doomed." Brick turned back to the street as Coincidence took in the information. A silence descended on the trio before Coincidence snapped out of his daydream and returned his thoughts to the mission. He raised a question.

"You know what I'd like to find out?"

"The secret to plate spinning?" Brick spoke without thought.

"No."

"Why ever not? Imagine being at a party, plenty of drinks, good banter; when 'hey Coincidence has got the plates out. I think the fun levels in here are about to get a little higher." Brick began spinning imaginary plates while performing a vague version of a samba.

"I suppose it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Though I was thinking a more mission based thought." Coincidence's hips joined in the imagined samba rhythm without conscious intent.

"You're wondering what's in the boxes aren't you?" Spiritwind emerged from a pie with a grin and the correct answer.

"So you don't know what's going on either?" Brick had presumed a conspiracy against himself and his peer. He was pleased to find out they weren't the only ones without a clue.

"I know aliens are trying to take over this world, but not much else."

"Then why don't you join us on our quest?" The rallying punch to his own chest was unnecessary from Brick, and more painful than he'd intended.

"Yeh." Spiritwind concurred with a mouthful of pork.

"I'm not sure I can." Coincidence was flattered.

"Of course you can." Brick was certain enough for him. "What else is there to do? Sit with Irony wondering what every face she pulls really means."

"You do have a point."

"Then it is agreed." A nod of the heads set the motion in stone as Coincidence turned the duo into a trio.

Their first action was to sit in silence, each forgetting the mission and drifting in to their own minds. Spiritwind tried to plan a route of investigation that passed his favourite bakery and sandwich shop, whereas Brick and Coincidence both pondered boomerangs and how they came back to you. Sharing other peoples thoughts had become a side effect of Coincidence's position, as had bumping in to people he'd rather not see. The silence reigned until Coincidence and Brick caught each other's eye.

"We should be doing something shouldn't we?" Brick voiced the obvious.

"Yes." Coincidence agreed. The trio stood and motioned shaking dust from their bodies. The dust was in fact frozen in time and had no choice but to stay where it had been since that morning. Convinced their actions had achieved something they began the stroll back towards the street.

"Does anyone happen to know how boomerangs work?" Brick aired his query.

"I think it's to do with air flow, angles, and momentum." Coincidence offered rationale.

"That sounds more likely than my answer." Brick invited the question.

"What was your answer?" Coincidence accepted.

"Magic." He wished he hadn't bothered.

Contents

### Chapter Twenty Seven

Brick twiddled his thumbs before remembering he didn't know how to twiddle anything. It hadn't helped. All it had done was take his mind completely off the task in hand and leave him wondering if there were any twiddling courses available. The trio hadn't yet managed to leave the confines of the alleyway. Spiritwind had enquired as to the next stage of the plan as they were about to re-enter the street, the ensuing discussion had brought them to a standstill. All minds were focused on working out how to find out what was in the boxes the aliens were carrying around. Suddenly Brick had an idea. Perhaps thumb twiddling did work after all.

"We could just look inside one of them?" It was simplicity itself.

"Excellent. Now we have a goal all we need is a technique." Coincidence moved the planning along. "How do we get a look inside one of them?"

"Wait until we find one that's unguarded and open it." The bright ideas continued to flow from Brick. Thumb twiddling had a new disciple.

"I don't see how it can fail." Coincidence concurred.

"Two good ideas out of two; are you ill?" Spiritwind had nothing but mockery as congratulation.

"I'll have you know all my ideas are wonderful. It's just the world's misfortune that most of the time they cannot see it." Brick defended his mind.

"I've another interpretation." Spiritwind bit down on a particularly plump piece of fried chicken.

"Then share your insights in to my awesome brain."

"Well you know what they say; you throw enough crap at a stick eventually some of it hits." Spiritwind smiled to himself as Brick weighed up the analogy. It was feasible if nothing else.

"I think you'll find I've been misquoted there. I actually said if you throw enough shi...."

"They. How goes it?" Spiritwind turned to see They stood in the alley. Brick and Coincidence offered their own greetings to the rumour spreader.

"Karma was getting a little tetchy so I volunteered to come and see what was taking so long." Judging by the direction of They's face, his words were aimed at Coincidence.

"I've been invited to join this part of the mission." Coincidence beamed.

"You can come too if you want? To be honest the more help we get the better chance the world has of being saved." Spiritwind spoke nothing but truth.

"I'd be honoured." They, wasn't used to being included. His tales usually inspired looks of derision followed by social distancing.

"And so we are four." Brick made a symbol with his hand. It would have worked better had he shared the symbol with the others and told them to raise their hands in unison upon his signal. As it was he had to lower his arm with a look of embarrassment.

"Do we have a plan?" They, was eager to get started.

"Brick has supplied a grand plan." Coincidence offered credit and the opportunity to explain to Brick. Brick stopped working on the team symbol and answered.

"We have observed the aliens carrying a crate and believe the key to the mission may well be held within its bounds. We plan to search for one that has been cruelly discarded, and peek inside." They's face awaited the next part of the plan. As it wasn't forthcoming he clapped his hands and smiled.

"Let's do that then." Brick took They's words and converted them into action. He led the foursome out of the alley, raising his symbol once more. Nobody joined in, for the same reasons as before.

"Left I feel." The group followed Brick as he turned left. The fact turning right would take them back to the building site went unmentioned. After a minute's stealthy marching Brick grew tired and joined the general ambling pace and posture the other three strolled at. There were no aliens to be seen, and in a frozen and silent world any that approached would be heard long before they would be spotted.

"....he never had a choice in the matter." They finished his sentence to the ums and ahs of Spiritwind and Coincidence.

"Who? And what?" Brick's curiosity refused to be contained.

"You, and never having a choice in turning left. Apparently everyone's left leg is a quarter of an inch shorter than the right, creating a natural lean and inclination to always turn that way when given the option." Spiritwind ended his sentence with a fizzy chew from a ten pence mix up he'd found attached to a child.

"Oh." Brick mulled over the information, trying to feel the lean They spoke of. Brick's personal experiments continued as the group wandered through the streets of Puddleton in relative silence, each lost in their own worlds.

As they moved away from the centre of the town the shops to houses ratio dwindled rapidly. Within ten minutes strolling they were surrounded by suburban bliss. A decision awaited them at the end of the road. One path veered to the left, towards more houses and eventually a highly desirable retail park with ample parking and eateries, whereas the road to the right led towards the hills that concealed an invading alien spacecraft. Spiritwind couldn't see beyond Mario Perlucci's ice cream van parked nearby. Fortunately, Coincidence still had his mind on the mission.

"Hide." Coincidence whispered his instructions with an urgency that contradicted his tone. The sound of voices could be heard bickering their way towards them. By the time Brick realised what was going on, Coincidence and They were underneath a parked car each and Spiritwind was nowhere in sight. Jumping into the ice cream van Brick found his friend, particularly his ribs.

"Cheers for that." Spiritwind took the blow with minimal reaction. It had become numb from the repeated blows it had suffered throughout the day. Instead Spiritwind focused on the traffic light lolly and screwball he'd already procured from the freezer.

"You should have left a sign saying you were hiding in here." Brick somehow felt he was the one that had been wronged.

"Would I still technically be hiding if I left a sign saying where I was?" Spiritwind weighed up the merits of each cold treat before choosing which to have first.

"Good point. The sign would become a mere contradiction of itself. Well done for not leaving a sign."

Spiritwind didn't acknowledge his friend and opted for the screwball. The voices grew louder, causing the pair to duck further.

After several moments ducking Spiritwind lost interest in the mission. He'd reached the favourite part of any screwball experience, the bubble gum, and invading aliens or not he was going to savour it. He precariously balanced the chilled ball on his flat, wooden spoon; slow, pensive movements guiding it towards his awaiting mouth. As the safety net of his tongue reached beneath it, relaxation allowed the faint shimmering of his hand to cease. Lovingly dropping the confectionary onto the centre of his tongue he left it to rest, the heat from his mouth melting the remaining ice cream. The soft, vanilla essence assumed entirely liquid properties and trickled down his throat, caressing each taste bud as it passed. Only when the ball was clear of ice cream did Spiritwind skilfully lift the strawberry flavoured sphere onto his back tooth, pausing while he lapped up the pleasure it gave him. Once satisfied he bit down, cracking the shell and releasing a puff of flavour into his welcoming mouth. He took a silent moment of appreciation before chewing more vigorously.

Spiritwind opened his eyes with a sigh of delight, to find Brick peering over the counter. He was observing the two aliens that Coincidence had heard coming. Spiritwind sat up and joined his friend's position.

Two aliens stood at the fork in the road, one nodding in each direction. The body language of bickering was clear in any species. The crate they carried was smaller than the one that had been observed earlier, although its lumbering movements and the strain on the alien's faces suggested it was full of something. The disagreement remained unresolved as they continued to pull in opposite directions, each wishing to go their own way. After several futile moments they dropped the crate and used their arms to gesticulate at each other instead.

After much debate, one produced a folded piece of paper and opened it out. Inspecting it, the discussion continued with a new vigour and more excitable pointing. With a double glance, and a stare of incredulity, sheepishness descended across one verbal combatant, the other claimed his right to be smug. He beamed as he folded the document and attempted to slide it casually back into his pocket. Distracted by pride the insertion wasn't clean. The paper hung halfway, falling to the floor as they lifted the box once more. Too embroiled in the outcome of their spat, the aliens walked away down the path to the right, oblivious to what they'd left behind.

"That looked important." Brick couldn't hold his tongue any longer.

"It did, potentially crucial." Spiritwind could only agree as everyone waited for the aliens to be a safe distance away before emerging.

Brick jumped from the van first, performing a series of rolls to reach the discarded object. Standing up, he grimaced through the back pain as Spiritwind, Coincidence and They approached in a more sensible walking style. Brick had already unfolded the paper and come to a conclusion by the time they arrived. He declared his findings to Coincidence.

"It looks like a map. That's more than casual fortune on such a mission." Brick offered all manner of winks and knowing ticks to Coincidence. It took a moment for the concept to realise he was being stared at by the whole group.

"What?" He remained none the wiser.

"Bit of a 'coincidence', us finding a map when we're on a mission without a clue where to head." The suspicious eyebrows of Brick were partnered by Spiritwind's. They joined in because it looked like fun.

"I suppose it is." Coincidence remained nonchalant. "Why do you keep looking at me? Do you think? I haven't...Well I suppose I might have inadvertently. I didn't mean to though."

"It's very much appreciated whether you meant it or not." Brick shook the map and stared at it blankly. He turned it round in his hands, checked the back and checked the front again. There was nothing. He twisted it round, pulled it close, and moved it a variety of distances from his nose before huffing defeat.

"Which way then?" Spiritwind failed to interpret the charade Brick had been playing out.

"I don't know. It's unreadable. Coincidence, exactly what kind of map have you provided?" Brick turned his ire on the concept.

"Now we never established it was even my...."

"Excuses." Coincidence had only just got used to being lauded. To suddenly find himself to blame was too confusing to react. "This isn't like any map I remember from scouts." Brick held his forehead for a reason nobody understood, least of all him.

"You weren't in the scouts." Spiritwind downed a sherbet in riposte.

"Always with the specifics. Right, let's have another look." Brick stared at the map again, even more blankly than before. They, came forth with a suggestion.

"Maybe we need to look at it through the eyes of an alien?"

"That sounds a bit messy, and cruel." Brick refused to contemplate murder before dinner.

"Not literally their eyes, but through the perspective they take on the world." They accompanied his idea with a few flourishes of his hands.

"We're straying into the territory of the deep there aren't we?" Brick expressed his concern with a stern brow. Spiritwind drifted into his own thoughts. At least he knew what was going on in his own mind, to a point. Coincidence still felt unsure if he was the good or bad guy of the group so stayed observant yet quiet.

"Just get on your knees." They felt a demonstration would be easier. "I meant very much in the physical sense. Maybe it has something to do with their height."

"That's a good idea. You should stop talking in riddles you know." Brick knelt down.

"Perhaps you should stop hearing in riddles. Put a finger on each of those four dots." They pointed to four circles down each side of the map that differed in texture to the rest of the paper.

"Is he doing that trick? It's good this." Spiritwind snapped out of his daydream to nudge Coincidence, pointing at Brick as he did so.

"I don't know what you expect to....ooh look at that." Brick's eyes lit up in amazement as the image moved. A black and white outline of the street sat resolutely on the map, moving in response to Brick. Small blue dots littered the page without explanation.

"Point it in the direction the two aliens headed." They continued to direct as Brick turned to face the road that led to the right. A large red light shone back from behind the hill ahead. "I'd say that's the way we should go." For once, They had an idea nobody thought to challenge.

"Do you think that may be a huge discarded casket? And is it necessary for me to be on my knees?" Brick stood up without waiting for a response. The map worked perfectly at any height.

"I think a big red light may hold more answers than a casket." Coincidence joined in.

"It's just that I'm a bit wary of big, red lights." Brick showed genuine apprehension.

"Is nobody going to hit him?" Spiritwind had been waiting for the conclusion to the practical joke. "What's the point in getting him knelt down if you're not going to hit him?"

"It's a test of manhood in some tribes, taking a hit in the head." They began a tale as everyone put Brick's red light concern to one side. "You have to take a hit from a bigger and bigger stick each year, and when you get to twenty five they stop using the back of your head and move round to the front. Most men aim to be married before twenty five as a result. Not much going on in the disco's for flat noses and swollen mouths. There's a legend of a granddad who once took a whole oak tree in the face."

"Did he survive?" Brick equally forgot about the red light and replaced it with intrigue.

"Of course. He was the greatest man that ever lived. It reached a point where it became easier to swing him into the hardest trees they could find rather than chopping them down and throwing them at him."

A moment of wonder gripped the trio as they imagined how many hits they could take. Brick believed he could handle half a forest straight in the mouth. Coincidence was the first to remember the mission and bring the topic back to it.

"About this red light then?"

"Have I mentioned my wariness of red lights?" Brick ensured the group knew his reservations.

"Maybe investigating it will rid you of your wariness?" Coincidence took the positive approach.

"Good effort Coincidence, but I've seen enough films to know a glowing red dot at this stage of an adventure can only offer another obstacle to overcome."

"Are we on an adventure?" Spiritwind perked up at the thought of the looming car chase.

"What else would you call a day where the world is frozen in time by invading aliens and it's up to us to thwart their efforts?" Brick had to know.

"Monday?"

"Shall we continue?" Brick led the ignorance of Spiritwind's comment. "I'm happy to investigate the red dot as long as everyone understands I believe it will only lead to trouble, and I will remind you all of the concerns I am now airing should I be proved right." The general nods and murmurs of agreement were underwhelming but contractually binding. As the map holder Brick set off at the front, the remaining three followed behind at their own pace. The mission had a direction to add to its purpose, success still needed convincing before it would consider joining.

Contents

### Chapter Twenty Eight

"That's a lot of aliens." Brick could only verbalise the obvious. The map had led Team A to the natural basin that housed the Jefferian's craft. Reaching the brow of the hill the foursome lay on their chests to crawl the final few feet. As their eyes breached the lip a highly stereotypical U.F.O. stared back at them, complete with protruding glass dome.

"That is a lot of aliens." Spiritwind backed up his friend's observations whilst chewing a stick of liquorice.

The group peered down on thousands of aliens, all in one of two queuing systems. One led from the top of the basin towards the craft, splitting in to eight separate lines around fifty feet from the ship. Each line had been assigned an entrance. A constant stream poured in, all with bulging rucksacks and heavily laden crates. The second queue consisted of a steady stream coming from the back and heading over the opposite side of the hill. The exit line was less rigid, formed from congestion rather than meticulous planning; more a collective amble than a line. Judging by the buoyant strolls of those within it, the crates and bags had been emptied

"I told you about red lights. Not only did I tell you but I told you about this moment now when I'd be proved right." Brick expressed concern and smug delight in one smooth tightening of his cheeks.

"Now you've been proved right do you have a solution?" Coincidence tried to limit Brick's smugness.

"I usually find ignoring the problem makes it go away." Brick's solution didn't promise much.

"I'm not sure ignoring thousands of aliens will make them go away." Coincidence wasn't convinced.

"It might..." The slight pause that followed covered Brick's improvisation time. "...If we put up no resistance the aliens may think the planet isn't worth it and go home."

"Even I don't believe that." They couldn't be any more sincere.

"I wasn't too convinced meself." Brick could only reply with a similar honesty.

"I've got an idea." Spiritwind took centre stage as the group wondered what the next idea they dismissed would be. "Wouldn't it be an incredible coincidence..." The nods and winks were excessive, if not annoying. "...if we, as a band of men searching for an abandoned crate, found one on the way back to base?" Spiritwind's smile awaited congratulation, and another stick of liquorice. Everyone wanted to disagree but couldn't think why, until Coincidence resorted to technicalities.

"Nice idea."

"There's a but coming." Brick had to say something after all the thought he'd used.

"But.."

"There it is." Brick wished he could keep quiet, everyone shared his desire.

"A coincidence isn't usually planned. That's why it's a coincidence."

"But you plan them." Spiritwind wasn't letting the idea go easily.

"I know but I have to make it look completely unplanned. You can't ask for, or rely on a coincidence occurring. They just happen. You're only aware it even was a coincidence once it's happened." Coincidence ran through what he'd said in his mind to make sure it was right. He believed it was.

"Oh." Spiritwind had nowhere else to take it.

"It would however be considered a stroke of luck." The raise of Coincidence's eyebrow brought hope rushing back.

"So where's Luck?" Brick felt happy he could contribute again.

"Luck is a pseudonym used by Fate when he has to fix something but can't think of a logical way of doing it. I'll go and speak to him." Without any discussion Coincidence disappeared from the hill.

"I knew this hero business was easy." Brick peered back over the hill, watching the aliens go back and forth.

"Maybe we just make it look easy." Spiritwind inflated the joint ego accordingly.

"Everything's fundamentally easy. Humans have an uncanny knack for making things seem harder than they actually are. Suppose it makes them easily impressed. Helps stave off boredom. Life can be tedious at times." They pondered out loud.

Seeing Coincidence disappear in to thin air had reminded Brick that the concepts weren't just a group of passers by. He had questions burning in his mind. He opened his mouth to extinguish their flame.

"You all seem to be coping with time freezing rather well. Did you have to sit with a bucket on your head to avoid the ray?"

"No. We received extensive training on perceiving other times before starting work here. We were also trained in art history and bus ticket origami, but they're not proving to be as useful as we were led to believe." They elaborated.

"So is time frozen or not, because nobody's being very clear on the matter." Brick tried to fold his arms. Being lay on his chest made the task nigh on impossible.

"No. Even I wouldn't try and peddle such a ridiculous idea. You can't freeze time." They mocked such a thought. "Time is all consuming, everything exists within it. If it were possible to build a machine that stopped it, which it isn't, and it succeeded in doing so, which it wouldn't, then logic wouldn't allow it to switch time back on; because it would have to move through time to work, and as time is frozen it can't. All it could do is change the perception everything around it has of time. If we perceive time to have stopped, or are unable to perceive the time around us, then it would appear frozen but wouldn't actually be so." They chewed an apple in satisfaction at his thorough explanation. Brick took a moment to chase his eyes around his face before voicing his question. He didn't get past the first syllable.

"Wh..."

"There's no debate. Think about it. If time stopped it has to do just that. Stop. That means it can't ever start again, otherwise the period it stopped for was in itself a passage of time, which couldn't happen if time had stopped. Things can stop 'in' time, but time itself can't stop. Try and imagine it. Nothing could ever happen again. Not even the thought that nothing can happen. It wouldn't even be forever because forever wouldn't exist anymore. You couldn't even call it the end. It'd just be an eternal now that never progresses and nobody is aware of." Brick and Spiritwind disappeared deep in to their heads to try and imagine such a state. It left the pair practically comatose. They used the time to retrieve a bus ticket from his pocket and fold it into a Victorian chest of draws.

The silence didn't last long as Coincidence re-appeared.

"What's wrong with those two?"

"Trying to grasp time."

"Oh right. What's with the facial expression?" Coincidence pointed at Brick's tongue as it sat trapped half way from escaping his mouth.

"I can hear you know. I'm only thinking. I'm not deaf." Brick allowed his tongue back into his mouth. Spiritwind remained still. The three waited for him to come round. Brick clicked in front of his face at various intervals to speed up the process. Eventually the bald hero re-emerged from his mind.

"I'm going to need more time on that. I like it though." Spiritwind beamed as he retrieved his second ten pence mix up of the day.

"You'll both be pleased to know that I spoke to Fate, and he said if we head back the way we came we may be 'lucky' in our quest." Coincidence tapped his nose as he spoke, alerting everyone to the underlying agreement.

"A tap of the nose is as good as a signed and witnessed contract for me. Let's go." Brick stood and began walking in one swift move.

"That's why your emotions business failed. I told you at the time nods and winks can't be presented in court as evidence." Spiritwind dragged his body to its feet once more. With the concepts already standing, the group set off.

Coincidence wandered in the vicinity of Brick, thinking about something that required his eyes to gaze upwards. They ambled behind. Spiritwind saw the opportunity for finding out more about the concepts and approached They for a chat as they strolled.

"Are you able to grasp the idea of time stopping? Lollipop?" Spiritwind queried and offered confectionery at the same time.

"Oh yes. It took a while though." They replied and took the offer of a sweet.

"So will I be able to at some point?"

"Probably not."

"Oh. Any reason why?" Spiritwind weighed up the merits of a chocolate banana against a fizz bomb.

"The human brain isn't equipped to handle such an idea yet. You see, knowledge is built upon knowledge. Occasionally a mind turns up so brilliant it can bridge the gaps required, and in the process lay the foundations for the next generation's thoughts. The mind that enables humanity to grasp the true nature of time has not yet arrived for you. The understanding is there in your subconscious but it will remain unseen by your mind until somebody can bring it in to the conscious world." Spiritwind's expression confirmed he wasn't the mind to bring it forth.

They, gave Spiritwind a moment before continuing. "Imagine the dawn of man, a hunter armed with a stone and a brave disposition. His subconscious knows precisely how to throw the stone at a moving animal and strike it. You too can perform such a skill, but you understand the stone is moving at angles and a velocity, it requires pitch and timing. The animal is moving at a speed you can label, and were you to have the time you could draw up an equation to show the force and trajectory required to hit the animal at that exact point. Before early man could understand such things you would have to explain numbers, mathematics, and physics. To him he is just throwing a stone, but with the foundation of man's knowledge beneath you, you see more. In the realm of time you are still throwing a rock, but one day your species will grasp the mathematics that explains how it bent out of time and back in again before poking an unsuspecting wildebeest in the eye." They took a deep and satisfying breath.

"I'll look forward to it." A flying saucer popped into his mouth. The sherbet fell out almost instantly, causing a wince before his next question. "Why do people keep referring to the Earth as a franchise planet?"

"Now that is a question." They cracked his knuckles and began the explanation of language distribution and the popularity of the Earth, and how countless franchises were built. Spiritwind took the news in his stride and posed a further question upon completion of They's answer.

"So how does it end up as a lifeless rock floating in space? Human greed?"

"Not at all. Humans are a little optimistic about their power at times. They couldn't destroy such a creation if they tried, which they often do. The Earth is a truly powerful beast. No, plants were the first life to be given complete control of the planet, but growing numerous beyond comparison they required further life to maintain the levels of carbon dioxide in the air, and so mobile life was created. Beginning in the seas, purely because floating is infinitely easier than walking, fish were left in control, until curiosity got the better of them and a few wished to claim the dry as their own. Soon reptiles took over, but nature felt they weren't progressing; all those years and not one skateboard. Anyway nature took control away and handed mammals their chance, but they progressed too well. Taken down a peg or two by nature, and its array of viruses and disasters, the insects that had been building their forces rose to stake their claim. Only the birds could handle such a challenge and the final battle of mobile life reigned until everything wiped itself out, leaving only the plants once more. This time they limited their numbers and lived within their resources to avoid the whole cycle spiralling again, until they got bored without the excitement of the previous years and died out because they just didn't see the point."

"Remarkable."

"And true." Spiritwind took a moment to think before speaking.

"So why don't the aliens wait until there's only plants left?"

"Plants are notoriously difficult things to negotiate with. The only way to stop their iron will is to chop them down. There aren't enough machetes in the universe to attempt that." They noted the scenery around them growing more and more man made. It was subtle for the moment.

"Negotiate. I thought this was a takeover?" Spiritwind was thoroughly enjoying the conversation. It was far and away the best he'd had that day.

"It is. The universe is, for the most part, very civilised. You can't just run around taking planets over anymore. There's all manner of forms to fill in these days and votes to be counted. I'm sure the aliens are doing everything by the book, although I'm not sure how. The Earth franchises are known for their watertight laws."

"Care to divulge further?" Spiritwind enjoyed They's explanation, irrelevant of its truth.

"Of course." Concrete had taken the place of grass beneath their steps. "As I mentioned, the Earth isn't allowed to achieve grade three status: meaningful contact with another planet, for fear of the mountains of paperwork that would follow; however the Earth contract does state that the occupants can at any point lodge a legal challenge to take ownership of the planet. Without this it would be legal slavery. But as nobody can inform the occupants, as they aren't allowed to gain meaningful contact, the clauses loop themselves in to never being used."

"That is clever."

"It is. Which is why I'm intrigued to see how they plan to do it, and what's in those boxes may offer a huge clue."

As Coincidence's name implies he popped up at the perfect moment to reveal his discovery. "There's a discarded crate over there."

The box rested beneath the eye-line of a garden wall, as though hiding from the angry residents at the window. The four gathered around it, pleased yet nervous at what they would find. Aliens could be seen way in the distance, all heading towards their queues. They had no interest in what Team A were up to, although most of Team A weren't that interested in what they were up to either.

Contents

### Chapter Twenty Nine

"Do we not need a fanfare?" Brick wished to add drama to the moment. The team were about to reveal what was inside the discarded crate.

"Do you have a fanfare?" Spiritwind countered with practicality.

"Or dancing elephants?" Brick ignored practicality and continued with idiotic suggestion.

"Do you have danci...."

"Should we just open the crate?" Coincidence could see where the conversation was heading and didn't wish to spend twenty minutes going in circles.

"Does anyone have the key? Surely only a key of magnificent beauty would open such a vessel." Brick tried again to introduce a sense of importance to the proceedings.

"It doesn't need one. I think you just move the lid to one side." Spiritwind had been poking the crate and revealed his findings. Brick looked to the sky in desperation at his visions of cinematic wonder being continually thwarted.

"Am I the only one aware that we're on a mission to save the Earth? This could be a crucial turning point in the adventure and you just want to move the lid to one side. Where are the close ups, the shared glances of apprehension, the music slowly building to a reveal?"

"There you go. It unclips here. Someone give us a hand to budge it." Everyone ignored Brick as Spiritwind and Coincidence wrestled with the lid. Brick folded his arms in disgust. They let the whole scene wash across his eyes. The casket was the size of two washing machines strapped side by side and made entirely from dark wood. The craftsmanship was impeccable. Sliding the lid to the side an odour bubbled into the air, catching everyone's nostrils. It was clearly coffee. Each savoured the aroma, except Brick, whose sense of smell only worked in shifts.

The group peered down on two equally sized compartments, both full. One side had been established as coffee, the other, a mixture of leaves and bags, was easily recognisable as tea. Brick had no time for either. Hot drinks made him thirsty meaning he always needed a cold one immediately after, thus returning his body to the tepid temperature he'd started with. It felt like a waste of time and effort to go through such a charade only to end up back where he started and so he declined any offers of hot beverages, much to the disbelief and questioning of anyone offering him such. It seemed not drinking tea or coffee was a social crime, the penalty funny looks and suspicion.

"Why have aliens stopped time to collect all the tea and coffee?" Brick had asked the very question whose answer held the key to the Jefferian's intent. "Why don't they steal all the fast cars and women?" He followed it up with a question that didn't deserve an answer. "I suppose they'd need far bigger boxes." Brick answered it anyway.

"I think I know why." Spiritwind peered cheekily over a chicken and bacon baguette.

"How do you know why?" Brick was instantly offended. The answer to the question would define exactly how offended.

"I've been talking to They. I can see how it all fits together."

"Well that isn't fair. Maybe I could have worked it out given the same information." Brick felt wronged.

"Why doesn't They tell you the same information and we'll see if you can work it out?" Spiritwind proposed a deal.

"Maybe I will." Brick pulled They to one side as the group began the stroll back to the building site. After five minutes explanation Brick contemplated everything, then posed his first question.

"So your names aren't really They and Coincidence?" Brick had gone straight to the heart of the issue.

"Well no they're just job titles, but it makes it easier to use them as our names when working, which is practically all the time; saves remembering who does what too." They had been prepared for any question, although he hadn't expected that one. "My real name is Weedo Denhar." He pre-empted the follow up.

"And I am Pelpham Flansham." Coincidence similarly obliged.

"How did you end up as They?" Brick completely forgot about the tea and coffee and ploughed on with his own avenue of investigation.

"I originally applied to be humour but was told my jokes went on too long, and didn't have a punch-line. They were considered more anecdotal ramblings and thought to fit the role of rumour spreader better." Brick nodded in agreement before turning to Coincidence. Coincidence again obliged.

"I was on my way to a job interview as a table tester when I saw Fate in the Earth franchise office and popped over to say hello. I opened the door just as they asked him if he knew anyone who would be suitable as Coincidence. Apparently my timing was as good as an application."

"Did you get the job as a table tester?" Brick again focused on the most irrelevant part of the answer.

"I didn't go. Being Coincidence is far better than table testing."

"What does a table tester do?" Spiritwind popped a loose chunk of bacon into his mouth.

"Tests tables." The faces clearly needed further details. "There's a world of problems associated with table design. The legs can get in the way of certain seating positions, draws that stick out at funny angles, dodgy edges that don't allow the elbows to lean comfortably. Things you wouldn't believe."

"Tables need ropes on pulleys underneath that you can hook your legs on to. Take the weight off them." Brick offered his insights in to table improvement.

"I see you've been let in on the secret to the universe." They offered Brick a knowing look. Brick didn't know what to do with it causing They to elaborate further. "Mirrors and pulleys are the key to everything."

"That's a bold statement." Brick was completely lost.

"Its boldness doesn't detract from its truth. Mark my words. Practically every mystery in the universe can be explained by mirrors, pulleys, or both in combination." A face had never looked so serious about such a preposterous statement.

"Have you got an answer as to what's going on yet?" Spiritwind aimed his voice directly at Brick. The long man was glad for a distraction from absolute confusion.

"I need some time. It's very complex. It'll take me at least until we get back to the building site."

"We're at the building site." Spiritwind pointed smugly, with a fajita.

"How's that happened? We walked for ages to get to that hill. How's it so quick coming back?" Brick protested.

"The return journey is never as long as the outwards, especially when walking; something to do with condensed space upon approach." They rifled off a reply without thought.

"Well give me until the top of the stairs." Brick negotiated further thinking time.

"Gladly; I'm intrigued to hear what you have." Spiritwind knew Brick had nothing.

"So am I." Brick spoke beneath his breath as the gate swung open to let them in to the building site. His brain worked best under pressure; he just hoped it was switched on.

Contents

### Chapter Thirty

"There's still no stick. I don't think you're grasping how essential it is." Brick stalled for time as Fate revealed the map they'd improvised. It consisted of a table with the outlying area drawn into the dust, and various stones and pebbles to represent the collection of heroes. A piece of brick had been found especially.

"Why don't we focus on what is there rather than what isn't?" Fate poked at reason.

"That's what everyone says when they fail at a task. A simple twig would have at least shown effort." Brick continued to use his time to think what Zarg's plan could be. Spiritwind knew fully what his friend was up to and offered a knowing look of concern from beyond his ice pop.

"Would sorry help?" Fate twitched an apology. It sometimes worked on Karma, although more often it backfired and opened up further avenues showing how wrong he was.

"Does sorry ever help?"

"All the time." Coincidence could see the conversation was going nowhere and helped his brother out. "He helped me move house last year, couldn't have done it without him. Should we move on with the reveal of these theories? I for one am very excited to hear what's going on." Coincidence ushered the room towards Zarg.

Various bouts of mumbling broke out in expectation of what they would hear. Irony had nothing but derision for what she was about to be told, irrelevant of what it actually was.

"Have you had enough time to work it out?" Spiritwind nudged Brick as they wandered towards the improvised speaking area.

"More than enough; I feel bad stealing your limelight though. You worked it out first so I think the floor should belong to you."

"I don't mind you being the spokesperson. We are a team after all. And you're better at speaking in front of crowds." Spiritwind watched Brick squirm as Zarg refused to acknowledge the encircling group.

"If we're going to be heroes there could be any number of press conferences and after dinner speeches. I think you should take this opportunity to practice." Brick looked nervously around as the concepts settled in to observation positions. A semi circle formed around the heroes. Zarg fell naturally halfway around the arc.

"I see. So you're doing this to help me?" Spiritwind's rye smile let Brick know he knew his friend had nothing but would accept his excuse and cover for him.

"What other reason could I have?" Brick stepped forward to introduce his friend. "If I could have your attention, I will now hand you over to my esteemed partner in heroics; Mr Spiritwind Capernicus Jones, who will reveal to you why we are all here today in this frozen land under the tyranny of small, pot bellied aliens intent on evil doings...."

Zarg turned in disbelief. They couldn't have worked it out. Predicting this would happen out of petulance was one thing, watching it unfold was infuriating. All he could do was curse his race for ignoring a 'child'.

Brick continued. "....a race which will be thwarted as the light of Good strolls forth to brighten the darkest of souls..."

"Could I start?" Spiritwind tapped Brick on the shoulder. Brick realised he was getting carried away and stepped back, leaving the central space to Spiritwind and Zarg. Zarg's annoyance at being ignored by his people spilled in to a restrained grimace and a clenched hand. "May I firstly thank They for the information he supplied." Spiritwind offered everyone the chance to applaud They. It wasn't taken. Realising the concepts were only interested in the information, Spiritwind put presentation to one side and continued.

"I propose that Zarg's planetary brothers...."

"...And sisters!" Irony ensured parity. Karma backed up the request with a nod.

"....and sisters, have placed the perception of time from their home planet over ours, rendering the rest of my fellow beings frozen and leaving the aliens free to carry out their mission."

"What is their mission?" Brick butted in with the feverish excitement of a child on Christmas Eve.

"Their mission being to steal all the tea and coffee in the world." Spiritwind hinted at the entire world with a gentle spin and raise of his right arm. Brick gasped before realising everyone was watching him.

"Which I of course, had already worked out." Brick continued to fool nobody. "Why would they do such a thing? Something, which again, I obviously already know." Brick's face increased its expression of eager anticipation.

"I'm glad you asked." Spiritwind picked up the baton of amateur theatre seamlessly. Zarg twitched both legs as his irritation grew. "These intruders plan to use their bounty as a bargaining tool for the rights to our very home. Upon awakening our fellow man..."

"....And woman." Irony was consistent if nothing else.

"And woman, they will be offered a simple choice. Use your new found grade three status, achieved by the aliens simply contacting us, to apply to the Earth franchise company for ownership of your own planet and then hand it over to us."

"Or what?" Had Brick not been standing he would have fell off his seat in anticipation.

"Live forever without tea and coffee!" Spiritwind delivered the punch-line; to Zarg's disgust and Brick's agony.

"NooooOOOooooooo!" Brick clasped his face and fell to his knees before remembering his beverage preference. "Actually I hate the stuff. You're welcome to it."

The concepts looked at each other for approval of the idea. Nobody could be sure if it was even remotely correct. Coincidence decided to ask. "Do you really think tea and coffee is that important?"

Spiritwind started to enjoy the role of speaker. "Why of course. It is the very glue that holds our society together, the key to the social bond that generates our strength as one united species, the fuel that pushes us forward. What better excuse for visiting a friend than to share in the pleasure of such a beverage? Simply inviting yourself round to sit would be frowned upon, but to hide behind the cloak of sharing a stewed leaf opens our hearts to each other. How do people break the monotony of a days skiving in the workplace? Tea breaks: a period of time without working solely to enjoy a beverage, madness, but imagine a world without it." Spiritwind clenched his fists and closed his eyes, willing everyone to imagine. After a few moments he continued, still filled with the acting prowess of a first year drama student.

"People would be unable to even consider work until after noon without the jump start of caffeine, leading economies to collapse under the weight of tired minds. Society would grind to a halt as friendships were no longer kindled, relationships no longer formed; we would fall in to old age lonely and bitter with nothing to do without constantly brewing up. We would turn on each other, unable to gel together, we would tear ourselves apart. Without tea and coffee it will all crumble. We must not let it happen." Spiritwind knelt down and pointed his closed eyes to the sky before letting his body hunch over itself. The concepts were taken aback by the passion shown.

"A yes would have done, but good speech." Coincidence congratulated Spiritwind on his efforts. Taking no time to accept the plaudits, Spiritwind jumped up, instantly back to his normal demeanour, and turned to Zarg.

"Am I right?" Zarg's entire body twitched. If only the Jefferian's could see him now. They wouldn't mock his cynicism. He folded his lips in an attempt to hold the fury in.

Sensing the alien's will, Spiritwind returned to his intimidation technique. "If you don't answer me, I'll take this glove, turn it inside out, and force it on to your head." Everyone took a moment to consider such a curious threat. Even Zarg forgot his rage as confusion washed across him. Spiritwind realised further explanation may be needed. "I'll trap your mind in a field of Earth time."

Confusion and fury combined to leave Zarg blind to two facts: the time field couldn't pierce skin, and he'd been trained to exist in Earth time quite comfortably. His teenage mind had only one, emotion fuelled response of defiance.

"My head wouldn't fit in that."

Spiritwind leaned in with an air of wilful threat. "I'll make it."

"That's about it." Zarg disappointed himself. He believed he'd withstand any torture and yet he'd folded at the first logically flawed threat to come his way. He blamed his parents for not listening.

The concepts nodded amongst themselves, although Irony did so with a sarcastic grimace. Fate began to wonder how much better Rick and Biritvind would have faired. Perhaps he got the right address after all.

"Where did you learn to be intimidating?" Brick pulled Spiritwind to one side.

"At small man club. When you can't rely on size to do your threatening you have to use attitude."

"Small man club?"

"It's a club for small men, or should I say those that are perceived to be small. I told them when I was accepted that I'm actually average height. It's just the misperception of the average height that sees me labelled small." Spiritwind spoke proudly with a swizzlestick poking from his mouth. "Turns out everyone in there's 'average height'. I came across a bit patronising if I'm honest."

"What's next guys?" Fate popped up behind Brick and Spiritwind.

"There's always something next isn't there. Never happy with what is." Brick turned Fate's map comments back upon him. Fate felt apologetic for no good reason.

"I just thought things were going so well we should try and keep up the momentum."

"Good idea." Brick looked towards Spiritwind.

"It's definitely your turn to do the next bit." Spiritwind removed any obligation before it could be passed on to him.

"Then I accept. I do believe an idea is forming already." The glint in Brick's eye suggested complete lunacy, genius, or a man with a trapped eyelash refusing to blink. It was anyone's guess which category he fell in to.

Contents

### Chapter Thirty One

Brick continued to play with the map Fate had made, allowing thoughts to whir around his mind. Karma and Irony had stopped feigning interest in the mission. They hadn't moved since Spiritwind revealed the aliens' intentions. The rest of the concepts were milling around the third floor of the development they were using as a base. Zarg remained strapped to the chair, almost bursting with smug frustration at being right about a band of heroes rising to thwart the Jefferians' plan. Spiritwind sensed the room was waiting to move on. He approached Brick, who had used the map to corner a pebble with half a toothbrush and a bent nail.

"I think they're waiting for the next step." Spiritwind prompted action from his friend.

"The next step. Yes of course. Got a little carried away there." Brick back-flipped the pebble out of its trap and addressed the room. "The way I see things we have two options: either attack the aliens with brute, physical force. Which looking around the room is probably not the best idea, except for Fut who looks like he could punch the head off a horse..."

"...That horse would have to find my anger spot and massage it for a year and a day." Fut waved away his impressive bulk.

"...and Karma, who could wipe out a nation with a miffed glance." Karma demonstrated a said glance on Brick. It crept down his throat scaring numerous butterflies on the way. "Or we could use our minds." Brick beamed nervously, still reeling from Karma's expression. Everybody awaited the clear downside to relying on thought. It never came as Brick continued, oblivious to the concerns.

"My plan is the essence of simple. We need to disable the aliens hold on our time, thus waking the residents of Earth. We can then alert the police or army, or whoever you call in these situations, and ask them to come and sort this whole mess out." Brick brushed his hands as though the job was done. Only gaping mouths responded. Calling the police wasn't the expected plan of action, from the saviours of the world.

"How exactly do we break the hold on time?" Spiritwind sensed the room's displeasure and gave Brick the opportunity to silence their doubts.

"Do I have to come up with everything?" The opportunity was turned down. Through a brief exchange of twitches and nods, Spiritwind convinced Brick to offer more. Reluctantly he continued. "If we are going to break the hold these tyrants have swept down and imposed upon us, we must firstly understand their ways, their motivations, their techniques and desires. What makes them stop one day and believe they can come to our home, our lives, and just sweep us to one side? When will they....." An idea struck Brick as he threatened to tail off topic completely. "Ooh! Have you got your book of answers on you?"

"Always." Spiritwind put down the yoghurt he had opened and reached in to his pocket. Checking one side of his pants he tutted, checking the other, he realised he was right the first time. With a wiggle of his hips and a twist of the wrist he pulled a hardback book as big as a man's face from his pants. They, wandered over.

"Magic pockets?"

"Cheers." Spiritwind took the question as a compliment.

"Are they magic pockets?" They didn't have time to go round in circles.

"Nope."

"Magic book?"

"Personally I think it is magic, but that's more an opinion than an intrinsic quality of the item." Spiritwind retrieved the éclair that had fallen from his pocket with the book.

"Then how did you fit that in there?" They continued to visually check for hidden compartments attached to Spiritwind.

"Simple." Spiritwind ran his finger across the cover. It stated 'pocket edition'.

"And that works does it?" They removed his notepad from his own pocket.

"You just saw it. As long as the book believes it fits in a pocket everything works out fine." Spiritwind opened the pages and began searching for 'time'.

"Fascinating." They, scribbled furiously.

"Here we go, Time." Spiritwind read primarily to his friend, although the whole group listened. "Time, time as a dimension, time management, here we are; Time and the interplanetary mapping of." They looked up, growing ever more curious at the book. It rang a bell at the back of his mind. Spiritwind continued. "Planets are possessive entities by nature. You only have to look at their unwillingness to let anything float away to understand this. Some say its gravity, I say it's uptight. The point is planets make it very hard for anything on it to leave. To do so requires much time spent in thought, and even more time staring at graphs and working out the kind of maths that makes cockroaches deaf. Knowing this, it should come as no surprise that it holds on to its perception of time with great resolve. Knowing 'when' it is, allows most of nature to take care of itself, leaving the planet free to occupy itself with its favourite past time of astronomy. This makes replacing one time with another difficult, but not impossible."

"Firstly you must build up a store of the time you intend to impose on your chosen world. (See section headed 'Containing Time'). Then attach this store to the planet via a physical connection, ideally a beam of easily transportable matter such as light. Now all you need to do is dislodge the current time. For this you require a jolt of dreams. (See section headed 'Jolt of Dreams'). By firing the jolt down the already attached beam, the planet will be swamped by the desire to nap well before it's due its afternoon doze. As we all know time has no place in the land of sleep, and its grip over the concept of when, will loosen. Whilst it is vulnerable you must fire the time you wish to implant at great speed down the same beam, dislodging the old time and awaking the planet through the impact. Bleary eyed and confused the planet will reach out for the nearest time frame to it and attach it to itself. As long as you maintain an input of the time you wish to overlay, the planet will never suspect a thing." Spiritwind snapped the book shut as the last few words trickled into Brick's head.

"Where did you get that book?" They had been mouthing along seamlessly.

"A mysterious man handed it to me in a train station. Hooded he was with breath like silver, and a staff of a thousand daydreams." Spiritwind carried himself away.

"So where did you really find it?" They motioned to inspect the book further.

"High street. In the bargain bin." Spiritwind glanced at the cover to see the name W. Denhar sniggering back at him.

"I thought they'd stopped publishing it after all the complaints. The council got tired of rescuing people from the top of telegraph poles." They turned it over in his hands with proud disbelief.

"So all we need to do is break the time anchors hold, and our time will come back and everyone will wake up." Brick interpreted the tirade of information. "How hard can that be?"

"There's only one person here who can tell us that." Spiritwind nodded towards Zarg whilst searching for a pen. Maybe They, would sign his book for him.

Brick acted on Spiritwind's nod and wandered over to Zarg. The alien's twitches couldn't hold his frustration any more. Brick had barely reached him before he blurted out his rage.

"I told them I told them all this would happen but nobody would listen to me, oh no, just one of my moods again, go to your room 'til you sort out your attitude they said, well we'll see whose attitude needs sorting when they see I was right and they have to flee from our 'perfect' plan." Zarg paused for breath and punctuation. "I wish they could all see this now, they wouldn't be mocking me and calling me negative, they'd say how wise I was and maybe they should come and ask me about everything they plan to do in the future, and they'd apologise, oh how I'd make them apologise....." Zarg gasped, drowning beneath his own fury. He took a few moments to regain his composure, and breath.

"You see. Silence is never the answer to anything." Brick consoled the alien.

"Unless the question is 'what's the opposite to lots of noise?" Spiritwind couldn't help himself.

"But my point is silence doesn't help solve problems. You can't finish a crossword by being quiet. You have to ask somebody at least one answer." Brick tried to attach weak philosophy to his consoling arm.

"Wonder how they get on with crosswords in monasteries with vows of silence? That must be what sends many of them over the edge and towards spending their days rocking and chewing banisters. 'If only I could ask somebody four down I could get back to finding inner harmony." Spiritwind continued to witter aimlessly.

"That must be what that funny monastery smell is; old newspapers with half finished crosswords." Both heroes raised their eyebrows with the satisfaction of an answer to something they had only just thought of the question to. Brick turned back to Zarg. "So who wouldn't listen to you?"

"Anybody." Zarg's speech returned to a more normal pattern. "I told them the hero factor on Earth was too large for any plan to avoid. I said a band of heroes would rise and thwart it and look what's happened."

"Bet you didn't think the heroes would be so dashing." Brick pulled his best photo face.

"Not to disappoint you...." Spiritwind stepped in. "What's your name by the way?" The bald hero suddenly realised the alien hadn't been introduced.

"Zarg."

"As you'd expect. Pleased to meet you. Where was I? Yes, not to disappoint you but we're only just plodding along on this mission; however if you'd be prepared to give us a little information we could make sure you were right and give you a pocket of smugness that would last the rest of your life."

"You want me to sabotage my own species?" Zarg had a grin that suggested he liked the idea.

"I wouldn't call it sabotage. I'd call it opening your peoples' eyes to the true genius within their midst." Spiritwind worded the sentence to a chorus of impressed murmurs from the concepts.

Zarg thrived on the idea of all those that mocked him having to grovel. He was so caught up in the daydream he almost forgot to bargain his release, almost. "You'll have to untie me before I'd say anything."

"That goes without saying. You wouldn't be a prisoner anymore. You'd be part of the team. The rules clearly state no member of the team can be tied up unless considered to be infected by some weird mind altering alien type thing that's trying to sabotage your ship/base." Brick clarified the legality of such a move.

"Then I'm in. How can I help?" Zarg smiled, for the first time without hiding any evil intent behind it.

"We need a few questions answering." The team shared a glance that confirmed things were going very well. Brick had to check he wasn't asleep. Things never went this smoothly when he was awake.

Contents

### Chapter Thirty Two

"Just remember how long my legs are in comparison to yours. In case you're thinking of running away." Brick completed the release of Zarg from his chair. The little alien stretched his arms and back as he replied.

"Just remember how much smarter I am than you, and that I've got your wallet."

"I'm not falling for that one again. See we humans have a great capacity for learning..." Zarg held Brick's wallet out as a peace offering. "...give me that." Brick checked the money holder discreetly; there was still no cash inside.

"So, fellow team member." Spiritwind took over the 'talking to the alien' duties. "Can you tell us where the time anchor is?"

"Of course. Anything for a team-mate. It's on the ship I flew here on." Zarg preferred talking to the bald one.

"And your ship is?"

Zarg only had an open mouth of misunderstanding. He guessed at the required answer. "Spacious with all the required facilities for universal travel?"

"I meant that as a question of its whereabouts."

"Then why didn't you say that?"

"I thought I had. I used a subtle tonal technique to imply my first question hadn't yet been answered, therefore I'm repeating the question in a shorter form." Spiritwind couldn't work out who was more confused.

"Oh. We don't use subtle tonal techniques back home."

"You should. They save time."

"This doesn't feel any quicker." Zarg had a cast iron point.

"Well it would be if we'd all understood the techniques involved from the start." The concepts took an interest in the verbal sparring, even Karma and Irony.

"I understand now. So should we continue?" Zarg placed the chat back on track. "What was the first question again?"

"Where is the time anchor?"

"It's on the ship I arrived on." Zarg beamed. Pleased at being allowed to speak freely without derision or chastisement.

"Repeating the answer that started all the confusion isn't helping anyone is it?" Spiritwind remained calm.

"But isn't this the way you two communicate?" Zarg gestured towards Brick and Spiritwind. "In circles?"

"I wouldn't take them as a good example of human communication." Fate verbally poked his head in before retracting it to continue observing.

"Really? It feels like far more fun." Zarg was thoroughly enjoying himself.

"Maybe we could be friends after all." Brick punched Zarg playfully.

"Why would you say we could be friends and then hit me? Surely the two conflict." Zarg rubbed his arm and looked genuinely hurt; more emotionally than physically.

"It's alright to hit each other when you're friends. Same as it's alright to poke fun." Brick grinned and nodded his head, searching for support from anyone nearby. All he found were grimaces and limited eye contact.

"Does that mean you're going to hit me again? And does it also mean the better the friends we become the harder the hits will get?" Zarg panicked slightly.

"I won't hit you again unless you fully understand why." It was as far as Brick would commit. It calmed Zarg, but left him with one eye on the well haired one.

"About this anchor." Spiritwind returned to the purpose of the conversation. "Where is the ship you arrived on, parked?" He tried to limit any confusion.

"On the edge of this grouping of buildings, in a natural grass basin." It was the perfect answer.

"Excellent. We've seen it already. It's a nice ship."

"Thank you. I shall inform the designer if I ever meet him."

"Or her." Irony maintained her equality campaign.

"You don't have to thank them. It was an idle comment." Spiritwind strayed once more.

"I won't then." Zarg remained literal.

"You can if you wish. Just don't feel obliged to. If it comes up in a conversation feel free, but don't go out of your way." Spiritwind tidied up the ends.

"How did you people ever invent fire with all this cross communication?" Zarg remained puzzled.

"So where on the ship is the anchor?" Spiritwind returned to relative conversational safety.

"It forms the base. There's a sealed room holding three volunteers and thousands of clocks. They have to maintain a heightened awareness of time. This perception is then magnified and used as the input that keeps your people frozen." Zarg twiddled with a nearby bag of cement as he spoke. He was bored of the whole interrogation scenario and wanted to get on with the car chases and jumps that accompanied any self respecting adventure.

"And what is the anchor made of?" Spiritwind pushed for as much information as possible while the floodgates appeared open.

"An intense beam of photons encased in an indestructible tube." Zarg moved on to poking a pick axe.

"We can't attack the actual beam then." Spiritwind spoke to himself.

"Sorry, are you saying the anchor is made of light particles?" Brick spoke to anyone with ears.

"Photons. Yes."

"You've made a 'light' anchor?" Only Brick chuckled.

"Yes. Is this something else, I'm not understanding?" Zarg had no chance of getting it.

"The whole purpose of an anchor is that it's heavy, and you've made it out of light. It's a play on words.....that apparently only I find funny. Apologies. Carry on." Brick continued to chuckle to himself.

"I'm not sure anyone understood why that was funny." Spiritwind ignored Brick's continuing giggles and grasped the role of inquisitor with both hands. His drive to push on surprised even him. "When you say the room is sealed do you mean completely?"

"Yes." A slight huff of boredom entered the alien's tone.

"So whatever we do has to be from outside." Spiritwind again spoke thoughtfully to himself as Zarg wandered amongst the bags of cement. Brick once more joined in.

"That's my idea gazumped."

"What was your idea?" Spiritwind ceased stroking his chin in order to enquire.

"To walk in and knock them all out. There's no perception of time in the unconscious world." Brick smiled at his ingenuity. Nobody returned the expression.

"We may not be able to knock them out but we must be able to affect them in some way." Spiritwind found an extra bundle of energy, and a cookie. "We need to think of ways to alter their perception of time."

"Going on holiday? Time always passes quicker when you're on holiday." Brick's idea was instant, if not practical.

"Nice idea but not the easiest state to impose. Do you have any ideas?" Spiritwind aimed his question at the concepts. They'd given up watching. The males were discussing the latest table designs whilst Karma and Irony complained to each other about mans' obsession with tables.

"Sorry?" Fate answered for the group.

"Any ideas on altering the perception of time?"

"We can't really get involved in the specifics. We're here to point and tweak." Fate was eager to return to the conversation. It had moved on to leg carvings, perhaps his favourite area of any table.

"So point and tweak us in the direction of a plan." Brick had tired of subtlety. Fate raised his arms in an apologetic shrug and turned back to the concepts.

"It's just us then." Spiritwind shared an optimistic glance with Brick.

"What we need is a plan so brilliant only the greatest minds a planet holds would think of it." Brick turned his mind, and body language, fully to thought. The pair began pacing a very short path.

"Or a plan so obvious practically everyone would think of it but dismiss it as being stupid." Spiritwind refined the goal.

"How do we do that?"

"What's the first thing you thought of when the question was posed?"

"Boredom." Zarg interjected with the answer. He just wanted to get on with things.

"Now you're confusing your tenses. 'I'm bored' would be the appropriate way to state your current mindset. Although I fail to see how that's possible. You're invading a planet, only to have been captured by two of the most dashing heroes the universe has to offer, and now you're about to aid the thwarting of your own plan. The youth of today! If it isn't on a screen with eighteen trillion pixels they just don't care." Brick had missed the point.

"I think he's giving us the answer. Boredom messes with your perception of time." Zarg knew there was a reason he preferred the bald one.

"My point about the youth is still a valid one. So all we need to do is bore the guys inside the anchor room and the world is saved?" Brick practiced the victory stance he intended to greet success with.

"That shouldn't be too hard." Zarg threw a verbal swipe at Brick.

"If I punched you now, would you understand?"

"You can't keep threatening him." Spiritwind offered protection.

"But he's asking for it." Brick prepared his fist as Zarg looked concerned.

"Maybe, but if he runs off we're stuck."

"He won't run off." The debate left the two oblivious to Zarg sneaking away behind various piles of construction material. Brick was pleased to claim the last word as Spiritwind updated the concepts, still unaware of Zarg's secreted position.

"I think we may have solved the problem." The concepts returned their focus to the mission. The boys had decided to meet up and create the ultimate table once the adventure was complete. Fate volunteered to sort the legs.

"Where's Zarg?" Fate went straight for the obvious.

"He's.......I told you this would happen. He's run off." The two heroes stared at the empty space where Zarg had been.

"No I've not." Zarg's voice echoed from three separate locations.

"Are you using some form of alien mind trickery to confuse us?" Brick spun whilst trying to pinpoint the alien.

"No. I just have an exceptional understanding of sound dynamics."

"I'm impressed." Spiritwind was genuinely impressed.

"Thank you." A fourth location joined in.

"Alright, there's no need to show off." Brick continued to spin.

"Sorry." A fifth slipped out by mistake.

"How could you lose him?" Irony's voice dripped with derision.

"We haven't. Zarg lost us." It was only semantics, but to Brick they were important.

"Brick threatened to hit him so he's hiding." Spiritwind revealed the truth.

"You shouldn't hit him." They popped in to the discussion. "You should pull both antennae and his nose at the same time."

"What will that do?" Brick fed They his favourite thing, a question.

"It'll make his face fall off. It has to be at the same time though otherwise you'll just dislodge an eye."

"We have to find him now. I've got to see that."

"What makes you think he didn't just hear every word of that?" Fate offered advice on silence.

"If my green soul was hiding I'd be keeping it that way to protect my face." Fut interpreted the message in his own way. It left Brick still on the search.

"Don't listen to Brick, Zarg." Karma weighed in with her own warning. "I won't let him touch you, because if he does I'll be well within my rights to unleash any number of acts of vengeance in your name." Brick felt Karma's stare burning the back of his neck. He waited until he could smell the skin beginning to fry before turning round. He couldn't hold eye contact with her and feigned interest in a girder. Glancing back at occasional intervals he found her still focused upon him. He mumbled to himself about girders and pretended not to notice.

Zarg could see the fear she instilled in Brick and knew her promise of protection to be true. He was reassured enough to emerge. His disappearance had created a few moments excitement if nothing else.

"Well I never would have looked there." Spiritwind grew even more impressed at the alien's ability. Brick continued to stare at the girder, poking it to add weight to his charade.

"Could I just ask one more question before we put this new information in to action?" Spiritwind wished to tie a neat bow around the session.

"You can ask." Zarg knew he now had the upper hand.

"What bores your people?"

"I may hold on to that information as protection against my face falling off."

"So it does work?" Brick didn't help. The burning in his neck intensified further. He mumbled louder about girders.

"I don't blame you." Spiritwind concurred with Zarg's concern. "I guess we should begin the next phase of saving the Earth then."

"Do we have a plan?" Fate wondered how long they'd been talking about tables. He'd clearly missed something.

"We have a vague outline." Spiritwind hoped saying the words would make it true.

"How does the vague outline go?" Fate tried to work out what may happen next. He couldn't think of anything but the finely carved flamingo's he had in mind for the table project's legs.

"Let's move our journey outside and I shall reveal all." Spiritwind needed the extra time to clarify a few things. Karma kept her gaze on Brick as she left. Passing through the door, and out of sight, the sensation of flames licking his neck ceased.

"Fascinating things, girders." Feeling semi secure Brick glanced back, quickly. He double checked with his friend. "Has she gone?" He rubbed the nape of his neck.

"Indeed. And we shall join them. I sense the final act approaching." Spiritwind led his friend with a pasty in each hand.

"Sometimes you're so dramatic." The duo bickered their way outside in order to defeat the Jefferian's with nothing but a few ideas, belief, and various concealed baked goods. Perhaps Fate should have given them gadgets after all.

Contents

### Chapter Thirty Three

Danger peered out from the foliage she'd been hiding in for the last few hours. The bushes sat across the road from the entrance to the building site, and had served her well as an observation point. There was clearly something going on. Having scared away a group of aliens to see inside their box, she remained puzzled as to why they were carrying tea and coffee around a frozen planet. Had Fate decided to include her in his plan then maybe she'd know, but it seemed she wasn't good enough for them. Well if they didn't want her help they were welcome to her hindrance.

As nothing from Earth was moving, Danger had been forced to turn to the Jefferians for weapons, and scouring one of their craft she had found the perfect terror hidden deep within its bowels. A monster so fearsome it would give Dracula shingles.

The entire group emerged from the building site, crossing the boundary Danger had been pacing earlier in the day. Her patience was about to pay off. She'd been watching the various outings the smaller groups had made, but had wanted to wreak her retribution on them all at once. The soon to be victims stopped to form a loose circle of discussion. Danger giggled mischievously at the thought of Fate's face when he saw her vengeance. Realising they may hear she covered her mouth and sank further in to the bushel, cuddling her bear for good luck.

"And you definitely couldn't materialise inside the anchor room and knock everyone out?" Brick asked Fate one last time.

"No. We can't get that involved. We can offer tips but we can't do the mission for you." Fate did his best to sound authoritative rather than tired of repeating himself.

"Lucky for you we have a back up plan." Brick winked and pointed to his friend. Fate failed to see how this was lucky for them. Spiritwind wondered where the 'we' part of the sentence had come from. It was his idea. The looks from the rest of the concepts made it clear they just wanted to hear it, whatever it was.

Spiritwind cleared his throat and began. "We shall split in to two teams, the classic two pronged attack. Team A..."

"...Or Toasted Rhino" Brick tried to introduce his tougher sounding pseudonym for the team. Nobody responded with anything but impatience.

Spiritwind continued with a smirk "Team A shall consist of me, Brick, They, Coincidence and Zarg. No offence is intended to Fate and Fut. We enjoyed our first outing thoroughly but decisions have to be made and sometimes we must risk emotions."

"If offence was my date I wouldn't know where to take her." Fut understood.

"Whatever feels right is right." Fate remained pragmatic.

"Thank you for your understanding. Team B will be Fate, Fut, Karma and Irony. Team A..."

"Toasted Rhino." Brick murmured under his breath.

"...will head back to Zarg's ship, sneak on board, and locate the anchor room. At which point Zarg will reveal the key to his peoples' boredom. We shall then improvise the best way to use this information and thus save the world. It doesn't require any special equipment to create boredom in your fellow aliens does it?" Spiritwind thought of a potential hurdle.

"No." Zarg's face didn't have the required muscles to look confused and offended at once.

"Only checking; we don't want to get to the anchor room and find out it's the sound of a drill grating on a Buffalo skull."

"What will Team B do?" Irony huffed her question; fully expecting to have a problem with the answer.

"You shall approach the craft in an arc, all the time searching for further clues and anything to aid the mission as a whole. Once we are in a position to strike we will call you to materialise on board." Spiritwind smiled in an effort to sweeten the quickly improvised plan.

"So we just hang around until you're ready?" Irony folded her arms. Partly in disgust, and partly in pleasure at Spiritwind making the problem she intended to have, so obvious.

"Everybody knows in situations like this you need two teams. Inevitably you will play an important role in our eventual success, but it will not be planned and thus I cannot give you a goal any more specific than to head for the ship." Spiritwind's answer left Irony without riposte. Her sigh and disappointed glance to the sky signalled the end of her defiance. She just wanted to get going. It was a mood that could be felt by all involved. The circle loosened further as the teams separated and prepared to set off. Brick had one final thing to say. His silence had gone on too long.

"Does anyone have a rousing monologue they wish to share before we set off?" Nobody responded with anything but ambivalence. "Then does anyone object to me stepping in with one? Good."

Brick cleared his throat and straightened his back. He waited for quiet before beginning. "We may hail from different homes, but today we stand as one to defend a common place. A place that offers shelter from the harsh universe, a place that nurtures friendships and allows our lives to go about their daily ways, a place that reaches in to our minds and souls and teases emotion from within so that we may fully experience the gift of life, a place that will remain ours until the fight within our hearts has been extinguished." Brick puffed out his chest and bit his lip, fighting back tears that would never surface. "I for one wait for the day we can stand together once more with the agony of war behind us, and the road of peace stretching beyond the horizon, offering us a brighter forever." The silence went on long enough to presume he'd finished. Unsure how to react, Team B nodded a confused agreement and sidled off towards the general arc they'd been asked to follow. Brick continued to battle his emotions until Spiritwind approached his friend.

"Have you been reading poetry again?" The bald layabout bit the head off a jelly baby.

"Can a man not express his soul without being accused of reading a book?" Brick's exasperation returned.

"A man can. I'm not sure about you though. Should we set off?" Spiritwind rallied Team A in to action as Brick tried to work out if he'd been insulted. By the time he decided he had, Team A were halfway down the road. By the time Brick caught up he was thinking about something entirely different, something he couldn't help but voice.

"It seems an incredible 'coincidence' that the ship containing the time anchor happened to be parked within walking distance of the home of the only two humans left unfrozen?"

"Coincidence is the greatest weapon any hero possesses." Coincidence answered as the amble maintained itself. "They'd be nowhere without bumping in to the right people at the right time, stumbling upon information, fitting the outfits of disabled guards, knowing the controls to acquired ships, the list goes on."

"So this is your doing?" Brick sought the cause.

"Nothing to do with me, Fate ran this project in private. If you're destined for heroics you generate your own aura of coincidence and luck. It comes as part of the package."

"There's a package?" Brick's eyes lit up as he scratched his leg. An itch had decided to strike.

"I've said too much. You'll get ahead of yourselves. Some things are best found out when ready." Coincidence gestured he wouldn't tell any more.

"You sound like your brother. Take that however you like." Brick continued to scratch his leg.

"Itchy leg?" They noticed Brick's discomfort. Zarg strolled, happily taking in the conversation around him.

"Like you wouldn't believe; I suppose you have a theory for it." Brick's tetchiness stemmed from his leg. Unfortunately it spilled over to his tone.

"Well...."

"It's alright I know why it's itchy. I can't wash it due to a very irritating shower that goes cold every time I try to clean it." He scratched furiously, hopping along rather than stopping. Coincidence could tell the conversation was heading towards nonsense and took over security duty, which meant listening for approaching aliens.

"Oh. Do you know why your shower does this?" They spotted an opening.

"If I did I wouldn't be scratching me leg. I'd be showing everyone how clean and fresh it was. Do you know?"

"I have an idea." They removed his gaze from the sky and peered cheekily from beneath his eyebrows.

"Then fire away." Brick lessened the scratching as his mind found something else to occupy it.

"It could be to do with moments." Nobody asked the inevitable question. They went straight in for the explanation. "Much of the universe is governed by moments: experiences and situations that attach themselves to hosts in order to be expressed. For instance, a tripping over moment would position itself near a raised paving stone and await a stream of victims. A hugging moment may hang around hospital corridors, and so on."

"Sounds suspiciously like words theory to me." Brick didn't wish to be duped without at least raising a mild protest.

"I don't create the workings of the universe, I only report them. Once it finds one successful method of distribution, why not repeat it?"

"So do we have a dirty leg moment in the bathroom?" Brick moved away from complete doubt, but was still nowhere near convinced.

"No, they aren't so specific. Do you suffer from this misfortune?" They queried Spiritwind.

"Only via the hilarity of hearing him crash to the floor every time he falls out of the shower in shock."

"Why do you fall out of the shower?" They dug further.

"Because it never fails to shock me when it happens. My subsequent leap leaves me rolling around the floor wrapped in the shower curtain." Spiritwind sniggered at the mere thought.

"So you try to ignore the fact the shower is about to fire a jet of cold air?"

"Of course. I believe I've already mentioned my habit of ignoring problems."

"It sounds like you have a shocked and surprised moment hanging around the bathroom." They beamed at his answer.

"So why's it picking on me?" Brick took the revelation personally.

"Because you're letting it. By ignoring the problem you make yourself susceptible to being surprised. Spiritwind can't be shocked by something he is watching out for and so doesn't suffer. You have to accept the problem and face it in order for it to get bored and go away."

"Oh....." Brick's sentence was cut short by the intrusion of an all encompassing sound. An immense cackle rolled down the street. It would win the vocal section of any evil witch contest for both volume and menacing intent. After the third cackle the word 'Jack' filled the air, spoken in perfect Queen's English and reminiscent of the lady herself.

"What was that?" It had to be asked by somebody, and Spiritwind could see no reason why it shouldn't be him. Brick was still stuck on moments. Zarg stared back, suffering from a shaking and incredibly scared moment.

"It's.......it's.......a...a....cac.......cacklejack!" Another round of four cackles to one jack, rolled towards them.

"Any suggestions?" Spiritwind turned back to find Zarg no longer in place. The little alien was twenty feet away waddling quicker than physics would claim possible. "That's a suggestion of sorts."

The group followed Zarg's lead and chased after him down a residential street. Brick and Spiritwind caught the alien quickly and picked him up, one arm each. Zarg's legs continued their running motion as the trio sprinted together. They and Coincidence jogged effortlessly ahead, knowing full well they could disappear if things went too wrong. Spotting a half open front door, Coincidence signalled towards a garden up ahead. He ushered everyone through the open gate before following.

The owner of the property stood frozen in the front garden, inspecting a plant. A wasp hung near his right ear, a fact his eyes had noticed and begun the process of appearing worried. The time beam had struck before the change of expression had been completed, leaving his forehead and eyes concerned but his mouth in the process of yawning. Brick couldn't help but be intrigued as they nipped past and through the gap in the front door.

As everyone gathered in the hallway the mood calmed, partly through the elimination of immediate danger and partly through the peach colour scheme the owners had decided on.

Danger giggled uncontrollably as she watched the fleeing team of five. Her plan was working to perfection. She congratulated herself and Mr Bear for their ingenuity, and awaited further entertainment.

"You can put me down now. And thank you." Zarg remained suspended between the heroic duo.

"Of course."

"Not a problem." The two Earthlings obliged. Everyone waited to catch their breath, except Zarg who dived beneath a small table used to keep the phone within easy grabbing height.

"So what's a.....a.....cacklejack?" Brick thought an answer may speed up his recovery.

"It's a kind of spider." Zarg stared at the door in terror.

"We......we......ran that fast to get away from a spider?" Brick vowed to get fitter.

"It's a very scary spider." Zarg defended his reaction.

"How scary?" Spiritwind required specifics.

"About twenty/thirty feet scary."

"That is scary." Spiritwind concurred.

"With wings." Zarg added the punch-line. Only gasps of fear showed their appreciation.

"Who gives a thirty foot spider wings?" Brick hid in fundamental annoyance.

"Could be worse, could be a flying shark." Spiritwind sought a bright side.

"Could give the jellyfish back its wings." They divulged a further tale. "Terribly vindictive animal, used to fly through the forests stinging everything for miles. They took them off it in the end along with all its other bones, and dumped it in the sea." There was no easy way to join in with such a comment so nobody tried. Coincidence probed for further information.

"Is this cacklejack thing from your home planet?"

"Yes." Zarg continued to cower beneath the table.

"Why did you bring one of them?" Brick probed the obvious.

"We didn't do it on purpose. It must have gone to sleep in a corner somewhere."

"Let's discuss that later." Coincidence took the role of the responsible one. "More importantly, how do you deal with cacklejacks at home?"

"We stay indoors." Zarg refused to move his gaze from the doorway.

"And that helps?" Coincidence didn't see how.

"They're not the brightest animal. They often trap themselves in their own webs."

"What do you do to them once they're trapped?"

"We point and laugh at them and hope they stay away out of sheer embarrassment."

"Does that even work in theory?" Brick couldn't help but comment.

"We only tend to see them sporadically, but that could be because....." Zarg didn't want to say it. The raised eyes let him know he was duty bound to continue. "You know my understanding of sound dynamics?" Everybody gestured they did. "The cacklejack has an even better understanding of light. Meaning they can make themselves look however they wish." Zarg ducked as punctuation.

"How much better?" Coincidence allowed a worry moment upon his face.

"It could be the hat stand and we wouldn't have a clue." All suspicion focused on the hat stand as panic engulfed the hallway. Brick weighed up a nearby umbrella as a weapon before realising the spider could just as easily be that.

"I meant it could be in theory. It couldn't wander in the door without us seeing it. I thought I was the one who didn't understand the subtleties of your communication." Zarg curled up as another series of cackles emanated from outside. The 'jack' part of the cry carried particular menace.

"Ninety percent of tonal techniques become obsolete in the face of panic. We revert to simplistic communication under stress." Brick explained as the peach wallpaper began to soothe once more. "What do we do?"

"I know what I'm going to do." Spiritwind had noticed the kitchen. "I'm going to make a nice, bacon butty, a cup of tea, and work out what to do next. Anyone care to join me?" It sounded like the greatest idea since the rock was replaced with a pillow.

"Now that's thinking." They followed without hesitation.

"Shut the door, Brick." Spiritwind continued to plan.

"How? The world's frozen." Brick was hoping the owners had both mayonnaise and ketchup.

"I don't know. If only you had a glove designed to overcome such a frozen state." The mockery was delivered to expert standards as Spiritwind turned back from the kitchen. Coincidence followed They, Zarg continued to stare at the door. Spiritwind leaned across and switched Brick's glove on once more.

"You'll have to show me how to do that at some point. I may be alone and need to turn it on."

"Then panic will offer the solution." Spiritwind left Brick to close the door, coaxing Zarg out of hiding on his way back to his favourite part of any house. The little alien backed his way into the kitchen, maintaining eye contact with the gap.

Brick busied himself pushing the door shut, peering through as it closed. He noticed several aliens waddling aimlessly in frightened disarray. The amateur hero considered inviting them in before realising that was neither protocol nor a good idea. He closed the wooden barrier, safe in the knowledge he was starting to get the hang of this hero thing.

Contents

### Chapter Thirty Four

"It can't be that scary; it's too well spoken." Irony maintained denial in an effort to overcome fear.

"Since when did accents denote anything more than where you come from?" Fate didn't have time for a debate.

"Since when did people that can disappear at will start hiding in the backs of cars?" Karma's annoyance was building.

The concepts were cramped on the back seat of a volcano red people carrier. All four struggled for space whilst using the ample back window as a screen to view the unfolding drama outside.

"Every being knows there ain't no fun in fishing in the sink." Fut offered something of a reply.

"That's because there aren't any fish in a sink." Karma was not appeased.

"I think Fut meant there's no fun because it would be too easy my dearest sweetheart." Fate sat uncomfortably between a friend and an explosive girlfriend. He knew deep down there was no right answer, but his effort was commendable.

"I know what he meant. I was being argumentative." Karma made it clear.

"Okay, sweetikums." Fate grimaced as he tried to move along. "Anybody see anything yet?"

"All I can see is Fut's hair." Irony peered round from Fut's ample yet perfectly crafted mop. She coughed to suggest it was in her mouth.

"How's the do that do lookin'?" Fut enquired as to its aesthetic nature.

"Can we disappear if it looks like an alien is about to discover us?" Irony ignored Fut and raised a more important point.

"I think for the sake of sport we should pretend to be frozen first." Fate's enthusiasm for the mission received nothing more than a bob of Fut's head, but that could be in response to the soundtrack of funk permanently rooted in his thoughts.

"What would we have been doing to end up frozen together like this?" Karma's rage grew as she continued to look for the argument she felt obliged to have.

"We could......well.....There's one." Fate was rescued by an alien scooting past the end of the street, quickly followed by two others and a cry from the cacklejack. A fourth appeared, lagging behind and seemingly out of breath. Stopping to face the direction he had come from, the alien's colour drained from his body in a flash. As he backed up, the creature behind the cries hovered in to view.

"Forget the ugly tree, that dude ate the forest that it calls daddy." Fut tried to put in to words what he saw.

The cacklejack swayed as it continued to advance, its legs dangling limply with menacing intent. The flurry of wings masked much of the twenty foot body, but what could be seen screamed terror. Dark, sharp edges poked out from every inch, repelling any desire to offer a cuddle, which is probably all the beast needed. The cowering alien looked up as the monster's cry rang out once more. The cacklejack understood its role as the scary threat, and dragged the moment out to cinematic perfection. It gave the alien ample time to remember running was still an option. Scrambling from the tarmac the green being bolted up the street towards the concepts; the cacklejack smirked, he liked it better when they ran.

"Can we disappear now?" Irony allowed panic in to her voice box as the cacklejack followed the alien effortlessly, chortling to the sky as it chose its moment to pounce. The alien glanced back mid stride, triggering the monster into action; landing effortlessly the spider trapped its prey within a cage formed from its legs, belching victoriously as the alien sank to his knees and buried his head in the road.

"I can't allow this to go on. That poor little alien doesn't deserve this." Karma had built her rage to the point it had to be released, and telling Fate off wasn't going to satisfy her need. It had to involve physical exertion on her part.

Before anyone could say anything she appeared outside the car and on the road, storming towards the spider. Fate could only watch. Fut and Irony spread out as more space became available. They wished for popcorn as things grew increasingly interesting.

The cacklejack had noticed Karma from the corner of one of its eight eyes, but presumed it was just seeing things again and ignored it. Nobody would dare approach something as ferocious as itself in a manner suggesting they were looking for trouble, especially without a weapon. By the time the eye had convinced the spider to take it seriously, Karma had skipped up one of its legs and stood atop the creature.

The physiology of spiders means glancing upwards achieves nothing when the aim is to see somebody on your back, although that could be considered a blessing. Nobody should see what Karma did next.

Suddenly there was only one thing that existed in the spider's world, 'going home' pain: the pain that carries injured children home without pause to pick up belongings or to explain to friends what has occurred, the only concern being to reach a parent as fast as possible; the only uttering, a feeble 'going home'.

"I feel sick." Irony could barely contain her dinner.

"If your heart can find the love within a lady that can do such things it must be the truest kind." Even Fut lost his cool for a moment.

"Would you want to tell someone that could do that you don't love them? Which I obviously do, love her that is. In case anyone wished to spread any rumours to the contrary." Fate looked at Irony. She was preoccupied trying to erase her memory.

Pain continued to sear through the cacklejack as it turned and fled down the street, running in the hope its mother would appear with a magic kiss and an ambulance for back up. Karma had skipped down from the beast before it escaped, pleased that her rage had left her. She approached the people carrier with a huge smile, and the cacklejack's dripping wings in her hands. The alien had continued to cower throughout, unaware of the concept's intervention. Karma appeared back in the car, wings and all.

"He'll think twice about doing that again, the big bully." Karma was the only one to speak as a sense of shocked silence gripped the vehicle.

"I brought you one as a token of our love." She handed Fate an appendage. He accepted it with a bemused and open eyed nod. All previously available space in the car found a wing taking it up.

"His friends are coming back." Irony tried to ignore the pool of puss forming on the seat and stared forward, speaking without emotion.

The three aliens that had escaped the cacklejack appeared back on the street. They'd obviously seen the spider flee. Nervously checking behind themselves they ran from cover to cover until reaching their friend. He remained stuck to the road with fear. A few words were offered without response, the three still checking down the road in case the beast returned. Eventually one leaned in to poke the cowering alien. He shrieked in response and lashed out before realising he was surrounded by friends. He sat up, confused, joyous and terrified, all in one face.

The concepts remained perfectly still as they watched. Karma continued to beam. Fate, Fut and Irony tried to ignore being covered in spiders' wing. After several minutes coaxing, the terrorised alien struggled to his feet and joined his friends in a panicked sprint back the way they had come. The occupants of the car moved once more.

"Can we disappear now?" Irony only had one thought.

"I think we definitely need more room." Fate agreed.

"Aren't they beautiful?" Karma admired her trophies.

"Dearest, and I mean that more than I ever have, we all appreciate what you just did for that alien, but have you considered the consequence of your actions?" Fate spoke slowly and in his least offensive tone. Karma's good mood could vanish quicker than the cacklejack.

"I've taught that monster a lesson it won't forget."

"Yes, yes you have, but you've also really, really angered an outstandingly scary creature and unleashed it on the world." Fate smiled in an effort not to cause offence.

"I suppose I have haven't I?" Karma spoke vacantly without a care. Team B nodded back as the sound of an agonised spider reverberated around Puddleton, an element of vengeance sneaking in to its tone. It wasn't the sound of things getting any easier.

Contents

### Chapter Thirty Five

"That one sounded particularly gruesome, and a tad upset." Coincidence interpreted the cacklejack's cry. They and Zarg stood with him at the front window of the house they were hiding in. Brick and Spiritwind had assumed food foraging duties in the kitchen.

"I feel a little sorry for it. It sounds in terrible pain." Zarg gave They a most severe look of disapproval for offering empathy to a cacklejack.

Another cry filled the air.

"It sounds quite close too." Coincidence barely finished his sentence before an enormous blur of movement flew down the street. "And now it's moving further away again."

"It had no wings." Zarg froze to the spot as he announced his observation.

"How can you be sure?" They turned inquisitor.

"I've seen enough of them to know, that one had no wings. Plus if you wanted to get somewhere that quickly wouldn't you fly?" It was difficult to find fault.

"Why wouldn't it have wings?" Coincidence queried with purpose.

"I have no idea. They always have wings. Unless?" Zarg paused to both draw a question and eek as much drama from the moment as possible. They and Coincidence weren't joining in and stood in silence. Zarg relented. "The initial cry we heard was the sound of it losing its wings?"

Both concepts looked at each other before saying the same thing: "Karma."

"How could that delightful girl do such a thing?" Zarg didn't believe it. Her mood swings had curried favour with the teenager, forming the beginnings of a crush. His dotage was sealed when she threatened Brick on his behalf.

"I don't even want to think how. I'll go and tell Brick and Spiritwind."

Coincidence took the short journey to the kitchen. He found Brick on the floor next to the oven, waving his gloved hand repeatedly at the lino. Spiritwind stood above, turning the dial from on to off. "We've got news." Coincidence began the message.

"Good or bad?" Spiritwind answered as Brick continued to wave.

"We're not sure."

"Well we've got certified bad news." Brick glanced up to speak. "The only gas we can use is the stuff left in the pipe and in range of the glove. And we've used it all up finding that out."

"Oh. The cacklejack lost its wings." Coincidence got straight to the point.

"Surely that's good news. It's not half as scary if it can't fly." Brick tried to surprise the floor by thrusting his hand at it and pushing down hard.

"It's still a thirty foot spider. That we think may now be very angry."

"What's it angry about?" Spiritwind ceased turning the dial. It was clearly a waste of everyone's frozen time.

"It's lost its wings, and we have a sneaking suspicion Karma may be responsible." Coincidence rubbed the back of his neck apologetically. "Any ideas?"

"There's only one thing I can think of, and I know people aren't going to like it, but we'll just have to eat cold sandwiches." Brick had been defeated by basic physics.

"Anything on the cacklejack?" They and Zarg appeared in the doorway. There was only so long watching aliens flee was entertaining if you didn't have an infra red gun and a high score to beat.

"We'll deal with all that cacklejack stuff after a hearty meal." Brick hopped to his feet. They and Coincidence nodded agreement. Zarg would have been happy with any suggestion that didn't involve going outside.

The kitchen became a hive of activity as Brick and Spiritwind took orders and sought the corresponding ingredients. They and Coincidence sorted the table and the general ambience while Zarg wandered around their hideout. The alien felt genuine excitement at having a whole house to explore without any authority figures or limits.

Heading straight upstairs only one door was open, his inability to move objects without his gloves left the choice an easy one. Entering, the double bed gave away the room's purpose. The peach duvet that adorned it continued the colour scheme of the hallway. Fitted wardrobes covered one side of the room, a delicate yellow ribbing offering a hint of summers past. The wallpaper complimented the furniture, offering fleeting shades of pink; birds and flowers scribed gently within the pattern. A large dressing table held an equally impressive mirror, reflected in its surface was the owner, who sat combing her hair. Zarg stared in disbelief at the number of tiny bottles littering the table in loosely organised groups. Reading a number of them revealed their purpose, either application or removal. Zarg could only think wearing nothing would eradicate the need for either. Reaching out a finger to poke the hairbrush, it quickly retracted as his name was called from below.

"ZARG. GRUBS UP." Brick didn't possess the mother gene and intended to only call once. He returned to the kitchen. Zarg took a lasting look at the room before heading downstairs. He was ready to eat.

Zarg entered a scene of semi domestic bliss. Brick and Spiritwind sat on one side of the table, They and Coincidence on the other. The gloves were in the middle to allow the food and cutlery to remain in motion. A seat had been left at the head for Zarg. He waddled to his place as Spiritwind polished off his third sandwich.

"How thoughtful." Zarg sounded sarcastic without effort. It had almost become his accent. He hadn't meant it and wished to apologise, but his teenage mind wouldn't hear of it. "That really is an apple sandwich." Zarg stared at his snack, maintaining eye contact with the food as he clambered onto his chair. An apple sat resolutely between two slices of bread. A small hole allowed the stalk to poke through.

"You asked for a plain apple sandwich, nothing done to it." Brick saw the concern on Zarg's face.

"I did, didn't I."

"I'll have it if you don't want it." Spiritwind continued eating whilst holding the apple sandwich in the corner of his eye.

"Oh I want it. I just didn't expect it to be so literal." The table fell silent as everyone enjoyed their meal break. Spiritwind inevitably finished first. Grabbing a glove he returned to the cupboards for a refill.

"Anybody want anything?" The four shook their heads, which worked out nicely for They who had been struggling with a tough piece of beef. Returning to his seat, with a pack of biscuits, Spiritwind posed a question. "What time is it? It still feels really early but we've been at this for hours."

"We're still very early in the darnum." Zarg studied his butty for the best angle of approach. He didn't wish to chase his filling round the room.

"Darnum? What's a darnum?" Brick had to ask.

"What's a darnum? A darnum is sixty eight harlens." Zarg sensed a good opportunity for annoyance. He considered it payback for the apple sandwich.

"So what's a harlen?" Brick played in to the green one's hands.

"A hundred and four nolars." Zarg hid his smirk with his snack.

"What's a nolar?" Brick continued oblivious. The other members of the team wondered how long it would take for him to realise.

"Sixteen hundred and twelve clintocks."

Brick chewed a mouthful of food before preparing to continue. Spiritwind couldn't watch any longer and jumped in. "How long is a darnum in Earth time?" Brick nodded and pointed as he realised how the question should have been phrased first time round.

"About two weeks." Zarg found the angle to bite and dove in. It proved successful.

"It's going to be a long day then." Spiritwind polished off some dried meat he'd found to accompany his biscuits.

"And an even longer night." Zarg pointed out the truth as a piece of apple escaped from his mouth.

"That's why you shouldn't talk with your mouth full." Brick played mother.

"It isn't full. There's loads of room left."

"Won't it be a little inconvenient if we have to sleep every eighteen hours or so?" Spiritwind applied logic to the news.

"You won't need to." Zarg found his next biting angle. He turned the butty accordingly.

"You can't deny me sleep. I get terribly cranky." Brick wished he'd brought a note from his mum.

"You won't be denied it. Your body will adjust to our time." Zarg smirked to himself before laughing to everyone. "You may even get to experience a toilet darnum."

"Toilet darnum?" Brick started back on the road of questions.

"We Jefferian's only visit the toilet once a sprannet...."

"What's a sprannet?" Brick hadn't learnt.

"About eighteen darnums."

"I can't wait that long." Brick hadn't done the mental arithmetic but it sounded long enough to become painful.

"Do you know how much I'll have eaten in a sprannet's time?" Spiritwind continued to eat anyway. They and Coincidence glanced at each other. The concepts were confident they would remain unaffected. A hint of worry hung around just in case.

"Don't worry. You get the full darnum to do it." Zarg couldn't eat through his grin and placed his sandwich down.

"I can't spend two weeks on the toilet. I don't own enough books." Brick saw an instant flaw.

"What if we have to go at the same time? I can't wait for him to finish." Spiritwind stuck to practicalities.

"It's very enjoyable back home. You get a room to yourself filled with all manner of entertainment and a cushioned toilet. Just be pleased you're not back in the dark days when all you had was a puzzle book and a fly swat."

"At least we have a deadline then." Spiritwind searched for the positive.

"I'm sure I can feel me bowels moving." Brick panicked instantly.

"If we're all finished shall we move to the living room and begin work on the next stage of the plan." Spiritwind could see the room's passion for food had waned.

"If I can make it." Brick continued with his concerns.

"I'm sure you will." Team A stood and headed towards the comfier seating of the living room, all except Coincidence who began tidying around. Zarg carried his sandwich as everyone else felt enough was enough for the minute. Even Spiritwind only brought three bread rolls instead of his intended eight.

"Hold on. I think it was just wind." Brick eased everyone's minds as the adventure trundled on, hopefully to a swift resolution.

Contents

### Chapter Thirty Six

"There's nothing like a brisk walk to raise the spirit of adventure." Fate commented as Team B reached the brow of the basin the Jefferians had parked in. He threw the wings to the floor in the hope they would be forgotten when they left.

"If I ha......had the energy.........to......to speak.......I'd tell you to.....shut up. It seems......I do have the......the energy.......shut up!" Karma didn't agree.

"This is why......I said we should just......transport ourselves to the top. We're.....in no state to do anything now." Irony fell to the floor and lay on her back. Karma arrived and similarly collapsed. Fut, who had been lying down for five minutes, had taken the opportunity for a moment's relaxation. Fate joined the group but remained kneeling as he pleaded his case.

"I thought we should experience the adventure in full. It's no fun transporting ourselves everywhere. We do too much of that. We should see the bits in between destinations. It'll be a reminder as to what we wish to save." The words went unheard as the heavy breathing continued. Fate crawled to the lip. After a while he was joined by the others, all peering on their bellies. Irony voiced the words that appeared to hang around this particular part of the hill.

"That's a lot of aliens."

"With only one direction in mind." Fut rolled on his front and commented on the uniform goal they all sought.

"At a speed greater than you'd suspect possible." Fate offered the velocity.

"Wimps." Karma had nothing but disdain for their fleeing behaviour.

"I suppose they've all heard about the spider." Fate offered a reason as the aliens scrabbled back on board their ship. A loudspeaker called out for everyone to pile on board in an orderly fashion. Health and safety still had to be followed no matter what the emergency. The aliens were also warned the doors would be sealed in a quarter of a harlen, about one Earth hour. Irony raised a point that suggested her interest in the mission was growing.

"If all the aliens are going back to the ship and locking the doors, how will Brick and Spiritwind get on board and complete their plan?"

"I suppose they'll have to change it, or find a way around the problem. Guess that's why they left the plan so free of specifics." Fate answered as best he could.

"Of course, 'that's' why they left the plan so free of specifics." Karma didn't share the faith of Fate.

"Whatever the reason be, the owners of the idea need to know the game's changed." Fut moved on to solutions.

"Somebody will have to go and tell them. We can't let them walk up to the ship thinking it's deserted." Fate joined Fut's quest for an answer.

"Maybe they already know. They seem to be fluking every other part of the mission." Irony opted out of going, in her own subtle manner.

"We can't take that chance. I'm happy to go." Fate held up his hand.

"I'll bet you are." Karma clearly had a problem, and a newly formed foul mood to discuss it with.

"Well of course I am. It's my job." Fate tried to ignore the tone. It was clear Karma wanted to fight. He hoped ignorance would skirt conflict.

"Nothing to do with wanting to swan off with good old Brick and Spiritwind and have some fun, while we wait here surrounded by invading aliens? Typical." Karma's mood would not be ignored.

"I fail to see how delivering a message can be seen as sneaking off for fun?" Fate may as well have punched his girlfriend for the level of insult she reacted with.

"It's probably as much fun as walking down the street staring at pretty girls." Karma pulled a gem from the bag of supposedly forgiven misdemeanours. The fact it was irrelevant to the current discussion held no merit.

"Now, we've discussed that and you said it was all forgotten. Plus there aren't any pretty girls anywhere near Team A." Fut winced for his friend as Fate realised his own error. He should have stopped at 'forgotten'.

"So if there were any pretty girls around you'd be off with them in a flash?" Fate looked towards Fut with complete bemusement as to where such a conclusion had come from. Fut had nothing but a downward stare in response. "And how can you be so sure there aren't any girls around? Unless you've already checked?"

"I'm not sure what to say to that." Fate was drowning in a sea of female logic.

"Why? Because I'm right?" Karma had a lot left to vent.

"No. Because I don't have a clue which type of logic you're using." Fate gave her ample material to release it on.

Fut sensed the argument had a long way to go and decided to take the next step of the mission in to his own hands. He felt confident he could visit Team A and be back before anyone noticed. He promptly disappeared, arriving in the kitchen of the hideout house almost instantly. Everybody sat in the living room, except for Coincidence who was still tidying up.

"Fut. Welcome. To what do we owe this pleasure?" Coincidence's initial shock was quelled by Fut's emanating warmth.

"My need to be is a message that affects the ride we're all on." Fut bobbed as he spoke.

"Would you like a drink while you tell us?" Coincidence continued to wipe the surfaces as he spoke.

"Your offer stems from the kind soul within but I must decline. Your brother and lady found some words to hurl at each other. I opted to take this short ride while they count the points. My message is for you to relay."

"Then speak away." Coincidence turned to give Fut his full attention.

"The sounds that fill the air been coming from a mouth beneath eight flying eyes...."

"The cacklejack?"

"Cacklejack! A label never suited such a sound so sweetly." Fut nodded in agreement at the name before remembering he was in the middle of talking. "Sorry my man, the distractions in my mind are endless. Karma met the cackling jack and took away its flight. The sight won't ever leave my eyes. The terror she unleashed has all the little green dudes heading back to the ship, and they be closing the doors and not letting anyone in."

"Right. That messes up the plan somewhat."

"Hence my call." Fut struck a pose that dripped cool all over the floor.

"I'll let the others know. We'll have to factor it into the plan." Coincidence rubbed his cheek. He knew things had been going too well.

"I'd better slide my friend. There's a patch of hill waiting for my mind, body and soul."

"Okay. Thanks for coming to tell us. And tell that brother of mine to just nod and agree."

"I may wait a while to pass on any tips. The heat from those two cats scorches my mind. Remain the same my man. Until later." Fut disappeared in a pointing pose as Coincidence headed to the living room. When Fut reappeared on the hill the argument was still in full flow. Irony had remained on her back covering her eyes. Nobody had noticed Fut's absence.

"I'm argumentative!" Karma still had a lot inside.

"You're proving it with every word."

"I knew it would be my fault."

"Well I don't see how it's mine."

"You never do......."

Fut rolled on to his own ample back and toyed with a blade of grass. He stared in to the sky and pondered nothingness whilst waiting for peace to descend. He wasn't expecting it to arrive anytime soon.

Contents

### Chapter Thirty Seven

Coincidence released Fut's news to the room. It created a wave of thoughtful silence. Coincidence used the time to find a seat. Zarg and Brick had secured an armchair each, a sofa lay between the two; They and Spiritwind at either end. The furniture allowed an uninterrupted view of the television from any position, although the only thing on at the moment was the standby light. The arrangement equally allowed social interaction should the occupants wish for a night of light chatter. The general feel of the room was down to the female of the house. As she approached a pension age her tastes had turned to flower themed decorations and family photographs. The cabinets and shelving had been with her throughout life rather than replaced. They shone with history, aided by a thorough polish at least once a week. Coincidence took in the ambience as he moved towards the middle cushion of the sofa.

"May I?" Spiritwind's foot encroached on the centre of the settee. Coincidence requested its removal.

"I'd rather you didn't, but if you feel you must." Spiritwind replied with begrudging co-operation.

"This is a three seater isn't it?" Coincidence relied on fact.

"My dear friend Coincidence, you have much to learn in the world of comfort. A three piece settee is not designed for three people to actually sit on. One person is perfection, two is acceptable to a point, but three just ruins it for everyone. Nobody's comfy on a full capacity sofa."

"That's why I always go for the chair. The room's limited but it's all yours. Any loss of comfort is due to your own strategic errors." Brick tried to help by voicing his opinion. He didn't know why, his opinion rarely helped things.

"Would you rather I sit on the floor?" Coincidence could see the fuss wouldn't go away.

"I'd rather have a room with five sofa's but that isn't going to happen is it. I just thought I'd mention it for future reference." Coincidence sat down, careful to remain within the confines of the centre cushion. Having nowhere to rest his arms left them upon his knees, his back stuck perfectly upright. It was a textbook sitting position, and in terms of posture excellent, but it felt truly awful. "I might sit on the floor actually." Coincidence slid on to the floor and spread himself across the carpet. Spiritwind offered an apologetic but knowing smile as he recaptured his previous position.

"So what are we going to do?" Coincidence continued to act as chairperson.

"You're talking about the cacklejack aren't you? Not the seating plan?" Brick had a comment prepared for either.

"Yes. It's probably better we deal with the twenty foot spider first." Coincidence rocked on his elbows in search of a comfortable point of rest.

"We're going to have to get rid of it. The Jefferians won't come out until it's gone." Spiritwind spoke sense from his zone of comfort. He continued with a suggestion on how to achieve such a thing. "If it's lost its wings then we're dealing with a straightforward spider, only a twenty foot one. So let's try and forget its size, which is a little cliché if you ask me. Twenty foot spiders are very 1950's horror."

"Hello. Little green alien with antennae named Zarg." Zarg waved from his chair. "Those clichés are based on fact more often than you think. How do you think they become the generally accepted view?"

"By people perpetuating the myth and failing to investigate the truth?" Spiritwind found a caramel chocolate he'd been saving for a debate.

"Or because the cliché is virtually the truth!" Zarg stood his ground.

"You sound like They." Spiritwind hid behind a veiled insult.

"Is that what I sound like?" They felt ready to learn.

"Pretty much, only with your voice instead of Zarg's." Spiritwind popped the end of the chocolate bar into his mouth. "The point I was trying to make is that we should think about how we get rid of normal spiders then apply that to the cacklejack." A general nod indicating it was a good idea, toured the room.

"I squash them." Zarg spoke with an unnerving amount of passion.

"Good thought process, little short on practicality." Spiritwind acted as the judge.

"I usually catch them in a glass and release them outside." Brick emerged from thought.

"Again, on the right lines thought wise but two problems spring to mind."

"Only two!" Brick beamed with misplaced pride.

"To start with it's already outside." It seemed obvious to Brick when said out loud. "And I'm not sure we have the combined know how or equipment to construct a thirty foot pint glass."

"We could use an enlarging ray on a normal pint glass." Brick persisted.

"Excellent idea." Spiritwind played along. It seemed easier.

"Come on lads. Get the enlarging rays out." Brick motioned towards Zarg, They and Coincidence. All three had nothing but confusion to offer.

"Are you saying we've got three aliens in the room and not one ray gun between you?"

"Why would we have a ray gun?" Coincidence's elbow went numb, causing the concept to twitch in to a new position.

"Cliché's, or are you saying some clichés aren't true?" Brick aimed his face at Zarg.

"Obviously not all clichés are true otherwise there'd be no need for the word cliché. They'd just be facts." Zarg folded his arms as Brick acknowledged a small victory over the alien.

"We could ambush it?" Brick continued to think out loud. "We could wait for it to walk past, leap out, and all pull a leg each, rendering it helpless." The grin threatened to fall off his face with excitement.

"Or it will stand up with a sore chin and eat us all as we celebrate." Zarg didn't agree.

"Maybe we're looking at this all wrong." Spiritwind had a new way of thinking. "Rather than trying to defeat it why don't we try and enlist its help?" Zarg leapt behind his chair at the mere mention of such an idea.

"That's bold." Coincidence reacted first.

"Is this some new use of the word bold which translates as insane?" Zarg spoke from four separate places. It was his natural reaction to fear.

"Have you ever tried talking to one of them?" Only a whimper replied. It sounded as though it came from upstairs. "Perhaps they're perfectly reasonable creatures. I'll go and find out." Spiritwind stood and headed straight to the front door. Brick never knew Spiritwind had such a pro-active side. He followed his friend to see where it would lead. They and Coincidence joined the trip, Zarg remained hidden.

By the time Brick and the concepts reached the front door, Spiritwind was in the centre of the road. The group of three refused to cross the threshold of the house and observed from the doorway.

"Any idea how to attract his attention?" Spiritwind called back from the road.

"Try dancing." Brick said the first words to enter his head.

"How will that help?"

"It won't, but it'll keep us entertained." Brick sniggered as Coincidence called to Zarg. The alien peered around the doorframe and in to the hallway.

"How do you attract their attention?"

"If we knew that we'd stop doing it. It seems being small, green and unwitting is enough."

Coincidence relayed the information. "Try being small, green and unwitting."

"You've got small and unwitting already covered." Brick threw the insult in for free.

"I am the average height for a man." He didn't even try to defend unwitting. "And luckily I just happened to bring my emergency tin of green paint." Sarcasm coated the sentence as Spiritwind tutted towards the sky to accentuate his mocking reaction.

"That is lucky." Brick could only see the literal side of the words.

"I think that was sarcasm." They translated.

"Oh. Somebody really should invent a facial expression for sarcasm. And a punctuation mark." Brick turned to Zarg. "Don't suppose you want to go out there and help?" The alien fled at the mere mention of the words 'you' and 'out there'. "Guess not."

"Hold on. I think I see him." Spiritwind focused on the end of the street, analysing the evil shaped blur his memory claimed had flown past. After a moment, the spider reappeared, stepping backwards slowly and staring towards the hero of average height. "I think our luck's in." The cacklejack started towards Spiritwind. "Yep, he's definitely heading this way."

The cacklejack released a cry as it picked up speed, a speed that turned its legs in to a flurry of grey beneath its vast body. The face at the centre of the commotion focused on being scarier than any amount of prosthetics could achieve. Spiritwind turned away, rocking on his heels with an abundance of nonchalance. Realising the human had no intention of moving, the cacklejack tried to decelerate; a tricky manoeuvre for an eight legged beast. Three legs attempted to skid, two waved around for balance, another two at the rear dug in to the concrete to act as a brake, and the remaining one tried to stay out of the way until all the fuss died down.

The beast did indeed skid to a halt, panting heavily for his efforts. As the spider fought to catch his breath, Spiritwind turned, their faces almost touching. The bald man's calm exterior remained, prompting the spider to unleash a roar. Spiritwind waited for the cry to finish before responding.

"Howdo."

The cacklejack looked around confused. "Why aren't you runnin'?" A voice befitting a Victorian cockney gangster emerged.

"Sorry. Should I be?" Spiritwind pulled a lollipop from nowhere in particular.

"Well yeh. At least 'ide."

Spiritwind looked around and past the cacklejack, before answering. "From what?"

"ME." The cacklejack almost pulled a muscle as he tried to look even more intimidating.

"You? Why would I hide from you?"

"Cos I'm big 'an scary an' that's wot everyone does." The cacklejack began to panic. After the setback of losing his wings his sense of invincibility was already on the wane.

"You're not big and scary." Spiritwind twirled his lollipop further.

"I am. I'm quite clearly big an' scary. I 'ave to avoid mirrors in case I scares meself to def."

"Then you must be scared very easily. You can have big, whatever that actually means, but you can't have scary." Spiritwind stared at his shoe.

"I AM SCARY." Two feet stamped in frustration.

"Then why aren't I scared?" The logic was unquestionable. Neither Spiritwind nor the rest of the team could believe he hadn't been eaten yet. The memories of Karma's attack left the cacklejack wary of everything, especially the weird, non-Jefferian creatures he continued to encounter. Although it seemed only the moving ones were potentially dangerous.

"What's your name? Maybe if you've got a scary name it'll help." Spiritwind rocked on his heels, feeling the power of the encounter swinging towards him.

"Gordon." Gordon beamed and awaited the terror.

"Gordon. That's a rubbish name for a monster."

"Well wot's your name?" Frustration took over thought.

"Spiritwind Capernicus Jones."

"Well that ain't scary eeva." Gordon allowed smugness a chance.

"I'm not a monster. I don't need a scary name." Smugness fell away as anger returned.

"What if I 'ad three 'eads? Would that scare ya?" A quick shuffle created two further heads, one either side of Spiritwind. The bald one remembered Zarg's message about the cacklejack's ability to manipulate light.

"If you had three heads then yes I may be a little concerned; however manipulating the light to appear to have three heads isn't in the slightest bit scary." Spiritwind poked the head that had appeared to the right, only to find it was the real one. Gordon leapt back in agony.

"My eye, my eye. Why would you do such a fing?"

Spiritwind had been caught off guard but managed not to show it. "You'll be alright. You've got another seven." He considered patting the spider on the back before realising they were enemies.

Back at the doorway, Zarg had managed to build enough confidence to stand near the threshold. He was just in time to see the cacklejack hopping around the road.

"How's it going?"

"Surprisingly well." Brick filled Zarg in. "Spiritwind just poked it in the eye." Zarg bolted back to the living room in horror. The vengeance would be unbearable. The little alien waited near the kitchen door, ready to flee at a moments notice.

Spiritwind could see the cacklejack's reducing confidence and pounced. "Come on then. Let's see how scary you really are." Spiritwind danced around, rotating his fists in a 1930's boxing style. The cacklejack peered through his watery eye as memories of the pain Karma inflicted shot through his back. Whatever these creatures were they possessed great unseen strength. Gordon felt it would be wiser to make his excuses and leave.

"But my eye. It 'ain't fair."

"Fair. Look at the size of you. Come on. If I win you have to do as we say. If you win, well it doesn't matter does it. If you win you can do whatever you like."

"I cud run off. Those tiny legs wud never catch me."

"Run off? You'll have your monster card taken off you for that." Spiritwind threw a random comment out from his mind. Surprisingly it hit.

"You wuddn't tell the Monster Council on me, wud ya?"

"Eh." Spiritwind thought on his feet and dropped his fists. "I will. I'll even tell them about you being beaten up by a girl." He brought up Karma's assault to add weight to his threat.

"You wuddn't mista. I wun't be able to go around acting all monstrous wivout me card. It's all I knows to do. I cuddn't retrain at my age."

"Maybe I won't, IF, you agree to help us."

"Anyfing. I'll do anyfing."

"Then come inside and we'll have a little chat."

A nearby bush rattled in annoyance as Gordon entered the gate. Danger had been watching her plan fall to pieces and now felt entitled to a tantrum of epic proportions. She stormed away seeking a suitable tree to stand and cry against. It just wasn't fair.

As Danger disappeared, Spiritwind ushered the beast towards the house. A stunned silence from Brick and the concepts, greeted the pair. Zarg was nowhere to be seen. Gordon, after much pushing and coaxing managed to squeeze through the doorframe and headed towards the living room. Brick tutted as the whole affair stretched far beyond the realms of practicality. There had only just been enough seats to accommodate the band of heroes; they just didn't have room for any more visitors.

Contents

### Chapter Thirty Eight

Coincidence sat between They and Spiritwind on the sofa. Nobody mentioned the protocol for gaining the maximum comfort from a settee. Brick had reclaimed his chair, Zarg lay on the floor, fully foetal, by the side of the three piece suite. Everybody tried to ignore the twenty foot spider struggling to fit on the armchair in the far corner of the room. They didn't wish to cause any unnecessary upset.

"This is why we 'ave webs." Gordon's body floated indecisively above the cushion. Spiritwind couldn't ignore the issue any longer and met it head on.

"Sit in stages rather than trying to do it all at once. Lower your back legs first."

Gordon turned seven of his eyes towards the bald hero, the eighth remained semi closed and weepy. He awaited a signal to assure him it wasn't a practical joke he was about to become the punch line to. Spiritwind assured the beast with a nod and motioning of his hands.

Gordon proceeded to lower his back legs, quickly coming within touching distance of the non flammable flower motif. With such unnatural angles and demands placed on the spider's muscles, his legs shook uncontrollably. There was only one possible outcome.

Gordon collapsed at an angle that can only be deemed unfortunate. His back lay perpendicular to the upright of the chair, his eyes inches from the ceiling. "This 'ain't comfy at all."

"Give it a chance. You're not finished yet. Do the same with your front legs." Spiritwind continued to guide the beast.

The front legs relaxed, allowing the cacklejack to view the room once more. "That's not bad actually. I cud get used to this."

"You're going to have to get used to sharing a room too." Brick spoke with a leg protruding through his hair. The spider's limbs took up most of the room, curling up the walls and generally making themselves a mischief. The sight of one passing had been too much for Zarg, he'd fled to the hallway.

"What do you suggest I do wiv 'em?" A hint of aggression crept in to Gordon's question.

"Why don't you curl up? I've seen you guys do it when you get flushed down the plughole." The mention of the word plughole caused a subconscious twitch to retract the cacklejack's legs instantly. The girly shriek was Gordon's personal touch. "That's it." Gordon fit nicely on to the chair, his body surrounded by the cage like structure of his limbs. The gentle shivering did nothing for his declining reputation for being fearsome. It was enough to allow Zarg back in the room to resume his cowering position.

"So why is Gordon here again? Not that it's a problem." Brick questioned his friend, trying not to insult the beast in the process.

"He's crucial to the plan."

"Plan? You seem to be implying we have one." It was news to Brick.

"Of course we have one. This is a professional operation." Spiritwind tried not to look around the room. The sight was anything but professional. "Do you want to hear it?"

"It may help." Brick applied expert levels of sarcasm to his answer.

"We're going to get Gordon to scare everybody off the ship so we can continue with our original plan." Spiritwind allowed a grin to cover his face, until Zarg emerged from the floor shaking his head in an apologetic and humble manner. "I'm sensing a problem."

"My people would never come outside with a cacklejack on the loose."

"Oh."

"What if we get him on board? Then he can scare them all out?" Brick picked up the thread. Zarg continued to shake his head slowly. "Why not?"

"You'll never get in. It's a very secure ship."

"Are there no secret entrances?" Brick persisted.

"Of course."

"Then we'll use one of them." Brick beamed. Zarg's head movements once more signalled a dead end. "I get the feeling you're not going to like any of our ideas."

"How will you find these secret entrances?" Zarg stopped shaking his head to speak.

"You can show us."

"How will I find them?" Zarg almost managed to ignore the twenty foot ball of terror in the corner.

"You mean you don't know where they are?" Brick considered becoming flabbergasted.

"They wouldn't be secret entrances if people knew where they were. They'd just be doors." The alien had a valid point.

The room settled down to think on the problem. Gordon wondered how he had found himself in such a situation. As he gazed at the various pictures on the walls he felt an itch in one of his legs. After working out exactly which leg itched, he tried to convince the one next to it to give it a scratch; a more difficult procedure than the subconscious is given credit for. After moving the wrong leg twice, then the right leg in the wrong direction three times, he gave up and tried to scrape it on the carpet, only to find the itch had moved to beneath his eye. He started the process from the beginning, only to be interrupted by Brick revealing his latest idea. It was more a scene suggestion than a solution.

"Why don't we cover the ship with mist then let Gordon creep on to the glass dome and start tapping. When somebody's intrigue grows too strong, and their face reaches up to within an inch of the window, he could leap out from the fog and imbue terror throughout the craft." Brick acted out the level of surprise it would cause.

"Not sure that will achieve quite what we're after." Spiritwind saw its flaw.

"Plus there's nobody in the dome. It isn't even a room. It's only there to make it look more spaceshippy." Zarg poured the cold water of fact all over Brick, again.

"You couldn't let me have just one could you?" Brick sulked.

"I could but then your plan would fail." Zarg defended his correction.

"Sometimes a cool moment is worth failure." Brick folded his arms to accentuate the sulk.

"What if Zarg knocks on the front door, then when they answer Gordon can sprint in?" Spiritwind had been thinking of his own plan.

"Then I'd get the blame and be hated by my people. I'm hardly Mr Popular as it is." Zarg refused.

"What if Gordon pretends to take you hostage and threatens to do you in if he isn't allowed on board?" The cacklejack twitched giddily at Spiritwind's suggestion. Had the vase in the corner not been frozen in time it would have been launched across the room.

"We Jefferian's are not a race to put many at risk for the sake of one. They'd just close the curtains and continue waiting for Gordon to become trapped in his own web."

"You have curtains?" Brick had been stirred from his sulk.

"Yes. Why? What do you have?"

"Curtains. I just thought you'd have something a little more futuristic."

"Curtains do the job. I suppose you could have Venutian blinds, but I find I always pull the wrong string. Then the strings get tangled and I can't remember which one I've already tried. It's a nightmare not worth entering." Zarg looked genuinely disappointed.

"You mean Venetian blinds." Brick tried to correct the alien.

"I know what I mean." It wasn't successful.

"I've got it." Spiritwind held his hand aloft. Everyone ignored the hot dog it held. "Why doesn't Gordon make himself look like an alien and simply knock on?" Predictably Zarg shook his head, but with far less conviction than before.

"Because they'll check who he is, if he should be on board, and if so is he already on the ship. If they're not satisfied by any of the answers he won't get on."

"You're meant to be on board but aren't. Why doesn't he make himself look like you?" Spiritwind believed he'd cracked it. Even Zarg didn't disagree. He merely grimaced and offered doubt.

"He could never be that exact."

"There's only one way to find out. Do you think you could make yourself look exactly like Zarg, Gordon?" Gordon flinched. His leg was just approaching his eye to tackle the itch from earlier.

"Wot? Yeh. Why not."

"But how do I explain my identity being stolen by a cacklejack?" Zarg panicked as Gordon stretched his legs.

"Don't. Deny all knowledge and let somebody else work out what must have happened. Then agree with whatever sounds most feasible." Brick imparted his own special slacker wisdom.

"That might just work."

"No might about it. Come on then, in the middle of the room." Brick ushered Zarg to the centre of the lounge. He required much coaxing. After the previous debacle Gordon didn't even try to offer any conscious thought to the process of standing. Leaving the task entirely to his subconscious, he rose without incident.

"Let's get a good look at ya." Gordon positioned his body above Zarg before swooping effortlessly to foot level. He circled the alien, inspecting every inch, scanning every detail on the way up to his antennae. Zarg flinched and winced in response. He closed his eyes and hid in the happiest corner his mind possessed.

Brick watched on, amazed the spider's legs didn't entangle themselves. He felt sure some form of voodoo must be at work. Upon reaching the top of the little alien's head, Gordon lurched backwards, mumbling under his breath. Staring at the ceiling quizzically, a sense of relief washed across him as he fell towards the floor. Rather than the expected heap of spider landing awkwardly, an exact replica of Zarg appeared.

"Now that's impressive." Brick applauded.

"That looks nothing like me." Zarg opened his eyes and protested. Folding his arms he stared at himself in dismissive wonder. Himself blinked back and smiled.

"That's perfect." Spiritwind stood up to get a better look.

"I think I know best what I look like." Zarg maintained his stance.

"You don't actually." They broke his silence. "Not many people do know what they truly look like. We spend so much time seeing ourselves in the mirror we forget it is a reverse image of how we actually look. That's why people don't like seeing themselves in pictures. It isn't the image of ourselves we're comfortable seeing."

"How does your body fit in to that small space?" Brick remained mesmerised by Gordon.

"It don't." Something brushed Brick's ear. There was nothing to be seen. "That was me leg."

"Amazing."

"You know what else is amazing?" Spiritwind spoke rhetorically. "The fact we're about to go and save the world." Spiritwind's rallying cry did nothing to raise the energy levels, but it did get everyone moving.

As one they headed to the front door, the end of the adventure beckoning. Zarg couldn't take his eyes off his doppelganger, and bearing in mind the feeding habits of the beast inside it was probably a wise idea.

Contents

### Chapter Thirty Nine

"I'm sorry dear. It was my fault entirely." Fate still wasn't entirely sure what he'd done, but offering an apology was easier than a two day mood and constant berating.

"I know. And I forgive you." Karma knew full well what he'd done wrong. Not that she was saying. "I hate it when we argue....." Karma moved on to an alluring, kitten like mood; the very tactic that left Fate's memory unable to dwell on her angry moments. Fut felt the tension in the air dwindle. It had been a long and tawdry argument over nothing. Irony had fallen to sleep. Fut had been watching the ship.

As the new peace between the lovers threatened to turn coital, Fut saw something he felt the rest of the team should know about.

"I do believe the next chapter of our mission has begun." Irony stirred from her light slumber and shuffled to the edge of the basin. She was ready to deny she'd been asleep. Fate was entirely unaware of the nap. He was busy waiting for Karma to disengage their kiss. He didn't want to break off first and be accused of not caring. She duly parted lips and looked lovingly in to his eyes.

"Is that Zarg?" Irony spoke through bleary eyes, without certainty.

"You can never be sure. They all look exactly the same, yet intriguingly different." Fate fell straight back into mission mode, his body still tingling with passion.

"I told you those two couldn't be trusted. They've let Zarg escape." Irony remained positive.

"For a dude escapin' he 'ain't makin' no haste to return home." Fut commented on the alien's, they presumed to be Zarg, ambling approach.

"Maybe he's confident because he's wiped them all out." Irony shook her face to re-awake fully.

"No. They and Coincidence would have appeared here to tell us if anything went wrong. This must be part of their plan." Fate felt confident, even if the group didn't.

"They couldn't plan a trip to the front door without ending up in the kitchen." Irony didn't concur.

The as yet unidentified alien paused around thirty feet from the ship. A muffled conversation ensued between the being and the craft. Movement at the windows increased as news of the encounter spread. Once the dialogue was complete a few nervy minutes passed before a ramp slowly descended. Once contact with the floor had been made the alien toddled on board and the ramp began its ascent.

"That was exciting." Irony wished she hadn't bothered waking up.

"The scene ain't over my grouchy ally." Fut had continued watching and noticed the ramp's abrupt halt. After a brief pause it started back towards the floor, this time swarmed with aliens clambering to leave before it reached the ground.

"Now that is interesting." Fate almost felt smug.

Several further ramps descended, accompanied by an alarm. The windows contagiously emptied. The aliens that had filled them quickly becoming part of a fleeing stream of green. The little green men, women and children disappeared over the brow of the basin, in two directions. Neither led them towards the observing concepts.

The flow of panic remained steady for some time, gradually reducing to a trickle. By the time the basin was clear the concepts were no nearer to understanding what had just happened.

"I suspect this all part of a plan we are yet to hear." Fate's suspicions were instantly answered by movement on the opposite side of the basin. Fut relayed the scene in his own way.

"I spy with my medium sized eye four regular dudes and one small, green guy." Five figures appeared tentatively over the brow. It was Team A, including Zarg. Team B made their presence known, inducing an exchange of waves and thumbs up.

"If Zarg's there, who went on board?" Karma asked, more for her own curiosity than relevance to the mission.

No words of explanation were needed as a long and spindly leg appeared on the ramp. Joined by another three, they planted themselves firmly on the ground in order to support the swinging, monstrous head that controlled them. Gordon emerged and waved a hand in the direction of Team A. The group waved back, except Zarg who averted his gaze and told himself everything would be alright.

"Must have been some form of disguise." Fate poked at the truth.

"That be some fancy dressing. I need to find the tailor that weaves that magic." Fut had nothing but admiration for the effect achieved.

Team A emerged over the lip and strolled down to the ship. Brick decided walking was far too time consuming and tripped, within three steps. His arrival in a heap was swift. The recovery took as long as the others did to arrive.

Spiritwind offered his friend a scotch egg as he helped him to his feet. He declined the treat. Team B watched on as pleasantries were exchanged between the cacklejack and the group. With the social admin complete everyone but Gordon headed on board. Within moments all ramps except one were lifted. The spider remained at the point of access, acting as a bouncer.

"What do we do now?" Karma allowed a hint of annoyance in to her question. Fate aimed to quell it with a suggestion.

"We could go down there and have a look around while we wait?" It was generally accepted as a good idea.

Team B climbed to their feet and ambled down the side of the basin. The wings remained in place on the ground. Nobody felt the need to remind Karma to bring them.

"Remind me again why we're not transporting ourselves around." Irony still had nothing but complaints.

"Fun, exercise, the opportunity to bond through conversation." Fate shouldn't have bothered. Irony didn't want an actual answer.

Silence seemed the easiest way forward for the foursome, until Irony found a further flaw she felt duty bound to raise.

"How will we get past the spider?"

"I'll engage him in conversation. If Team A have befriended him I'm sure he'll realise we are colleagues and allow us through." Fate thought out loud as the downwards incline demanded a slight jog.

"Only flaw to my shaded eye is Team A didn't deprive this guy of his ability to fly." Fut made a valid point as Karma's resolve found a focus. She was ready for round two with Gordon if needed. Fate hadn't considered there may be repercussions from his girlfriend's original meeting with the monster. It was too late for further discussion. They'd been spotted by the beast.

Gordon gave the approaching group his best bouncers' appraisal. Standing tall he assigned two eyes to each person and began a multiple staring out challenge. Three concepts relented instantly, one stood firm, Karma. The cacklejack sought back up from his victorious six eyes, but Karma remained determined. She'd beat a thousand eyes if she had to. As eyelids were narrowed, and stares increased, a moment of recognition descended upon the spider. It knew this face. Reading the footnotes to the memory, Gordon took a deep breath of pain laden air. The still fresh wounds in his back tightened in agony at the sight of their creator. He didn't have time to consider the Monster Council's view of his actions, Gordon fled without hesitation.

"Or we could just do that." Karma rubbed her hands together in dismissal of the beast. "Shall we go on board?" She ushered everyone forward.

"Thank you dearest." Fate went to offer a thankful kiss before seeing Karma's still seething face. He froze in place as she took the lead.

"So, need a woman to fight your battles." Irony mocked Fate as she followed her friend on to the ship. She had nothing but scorn for the all seeing leader. Catching up with her female ally, she noted Karma smiling to her self. The purveyor of justice felt she was doing well, and nobody planned to disagree.

Contents

### Chapter Forty

Once Team A were on board, Zarg led the way. It seemed a sensible idea as he was the only one who knew where he was going. After walking for several minutes they had still only seen the seemingly endless, opaquely mirrored corridors. Brick had been checking his hair in the feeble reflection, even its suggestion managed to look stylish. Spiritwind lagged behind, tucking in to his third Swiss roll, while They and Coincidence split the pair. The concepts were pondering the craft, as was Brick. The hero turned to his newest acquaintances to give his opinion.

"I can't believe all those bad fifties horror movies were right. On screen it looked quite impressive, but standing here it's nothing but claustrophobic and dull."

Spiritwind nodded his agreement, rescuing his T-shirt from a blob of falling jam at the same time.

"That's usually the reason ships don't look like this." Coincidence threw his experience in to the chat.

"Are you saying this isn't normal?" Brick picked up the subtle use of tone perfectly.

"Of course this isn't normal. People spend years on spaceships. The idea is for comfortable and practical surroundings. This would drive you insane in a matter of hours." Zarg overheard from his leading position. He sniggered quietly. The alien didn't wish to spoil the surprise of the extravagant rooms to come.

Zarg turned a corner. Brick followed. He also had a question for their guide. "How do you know where you're going Zarg? It all looks the same."

"It may well look the same from your lofty height, but from down here it's obvious where we're going." Brick bent over, walking with his head at Zarg's level. The only thing it made clearer was the floor, which he duly hit after tripping over his own feet.

By the time Brick stood up, Zarg and the rest of the team had stopped halfway down the current corridor. Brick caught up just in time to see the alien wave a hand at the wall. The panel directly in front parted accordingly. Brick forgot the excuse he was about to offer for falling. He and the others were too busy searching for their bottom jaws; they were last seen heading towards the floor at great haste.

Zarg had revealed the ballroom elevator.

"If you'd like to step in to the lift." Zarg unleashed a level of smug illegal in most societies. The team stepped inside without response. Brick could be seen to mouth the word 'lift', but the sound couldn't escape the awe that surrounded him.

Size is relative, and the ballroom was relative in size to Belgium. It is widely held that anything you wish to refer to as big should be compared to Belgium. Nobody actually knows the size of Belgium, even the Belgians, and so people simply accept the fact you are trying to convey a size that can't be imagined. This shouldn't be confused with analogies attempting to convey the size of space. To even begin grasping that we have to use time frames instead of distance, e:g to walk to Mars on a hot day with a limp would take longer than it would to drink the oceans with a teaspoon. Again unimaginable, but it makes everyone feel as though they have a firm grasp on things.

The ballroom, or lift, was inspired by the royal palaces of 17th century Europe. Delicate strands of gold weaved their way throughout, lining the walls and furniture with a twinkle only rivalled by the diamond encrusted wallpaper. Any wood that hadn't been upholstered had been polished to a level crystal would envy. The immense dance floor's lake like shimmer reflected the chandelier that hung above it, a chandelier so beautiful only poetry could do it justice. It filled the room with its light and presence, lifting the spirits of those that saw it and instilling a belief that the universe wasn't such a bad place after all.

"Going down." Everyone ignored Zarg as their eyes tried to take in as much as possible. They didn't have long as the lift arrived at its destination almost instantly. "We're here." Zarg had to physically usher the team out. The four shuffled backwards, mesmerised by grandness and curiosity. The silver panels closed, shutting off the ballroom and dumping Team A back in to reality. Nobody spoke for a moment. Only looks of confusion and glances of wonder were exchanged. Eventually Zarg began walking down the corridor. Words found willing hosts once more as Brick had to ask something.

"Ignoring the fact that so much effort went in to an elevator when the corridors could do with a lick of paint, how does a room that big even fit in a lift shaft? Or is the whole inside of the ship one big elevator?"

"The lift is practically nothing in terms of the overall interior." Zarg relished his chance to be superior. "It's all a very simple illusion achieved with mirrors and pulleys." Brick stopped in his tracks as They offered a nod that screamed 'told you so'. Brick queried the rumour spreader instead. He had to speak to someone about what he'd just seen.

"That was pretty spectacular wasn't it? Even you must have been impressed with that."

"Oh indeed, very impressed; although I did once see a planet that had ballrooms instead of caves." They didn't wait to entice further questioning. He could see Brick was hooked. "The planet evolved to produce man made objects without man, figured it saved the hassle that came with the species. Carpets grew instead of grass, escalators formed in cliff faces, animals would live in underground flats and treetop penthouses rather than burrows and dens."

"And I suppose money grew on trees?" Brick showed his doubt.

"Don't be ridiculous. Magazines and books grew on trees. Why would you need money when everything could be grown?"

"Everything?"

"Practically; telly trees, stereo bushes with c.d. leaves, apartment block forests, car fields. Cross breeding of plants became such a skill by those that discovered it they could grow an entire housing estate from one seed. Unruly youths had to be trimmed occasionally to keep the plant flourishing."

"Of course." Brick gave up on everything he previously held to be true.

"And here we are." Zarg spun proudly to reveal the control room. It had been made obvious by writing 'Control Room' on the wall in five foot high red letters. Spiritwind and Coincidence had been ambling behind. They finally appeared from around the natural curvature of the corridor, only one of them was holding a ham baguette.

"That's not very security conscious is it? Fancy labelling the Achilles heel of your plan." Brick offered advice.

"The plan didn't account for anyone being able to walk around the ship and discover it. The security was to freeze everyone in time." Zarg replied.

"Well that's asking for trouble." Brick continued.

"That's what I said." Zarg found a common bond with Brick at last.

"Well good on you. You were spot on. If only they could see you now."

"Thank you. Finally some recognition."

"Let's get this door open and show them exactly the size of the error they made." Brick rubbed his hands before being struck by a thought. "We're not about to walk in to an alien ambush are we? I'd be terribly upset to be doing so well only to fail so near the end."

"I wouldn't think so. A cacklejack would be enough to cause a full evacuation. Only the guys in the anchor room would be safe enough to be left unaware."

"Maybe you're leading us in to an ambush." Brick narrowed his eyes in an effort to look intuitive. It just blurred his vision.

"Maybe." Zarg felt far more natural speaking to Brick as an opponent. "But if I had arranged an ambush I wouldn't tell you now just before it sprang, so either way I'd say no." Zarg raised his own brow in intrigue. "You'll just have to trust me."

Team A looked at each other. The options were fairly limited. There was never any real doubt they were going to trust Zarg. A unified nod instructed the alien to proceed.

A nonchalant wave of the alien's hand parted the letter adorned panel. Spiritwind and the concepts stood to one side, in case a band of aliens awaited them. Brick opted to stand directly in front of it, eyes closed and fully braced. He considered it a defensive strategy. Everyone else considered it an awkward stance.

After the passing of several moments, Brick felt confident he hadn't been captured, and opened his eyes. He found the rest of Team A walking around the room that had been revealed, each wide eyed and grinning in wonder. Brick straightened his T-shirt and joined them in what appeared to be a Buddhist temple.

"I knew it would be fine." Brick's words drew no response or acknowledgement. Everybody was too interested in the sights around them.

The temple had not been modelled on the daily praying variety. It was the kind saved for special occasions when all the family were round. It would be stored in a glass casing for the remainder of the year, never to be touched, only adored from a reasonable distance.

An altar of intimidating proportions loomed at one end, carved from gold with chisels of affection. Statues shimmered in every direction, equally golden and shaped by love. The red of passion and faith was the only other decorative colour, filling any gaps the golden artistry had missed. Only the floor remained bare, although the wood that made it had retained its soul. It emanated a warmth science would deny, the inability to measure emotion a hurdle to belief. Various upholstered benches and cushions of embroidered perfection littered the area. Whether sitting or kneeling, the experience would be comfortable on both the eye and the body.

Each hero lost all sense of urgency and thoughts of the mission, transfixed by the aura of serenity and sights before them, even Zarg. He'd never even been allowed on the anchor level, never mind inside the control room.

Spiritwind focused his curiosity on the altar, and immediately spilt mayonnaise on a golden stork's foot. Cleaning the puddle, with a crimson curtain that hung from the sculpture, he noticed several small holes in the beak. A pattern repeated in the four other storks that stood in a perfect line. Spiritwind took an investigatory step backwards and reassessed what he saw. The angle and positioning of the birds suggested they may have a practical as well as aesthetic purpose. He moved in to study further, keeping an eye out for any more mayonnaise escaping from his sandwich.

Spiritwind quickly noticed repetition in the altar's adornments. There were five clear spaces, each with a stork at the centre, and each bird was surrounded by the same two figures playing drums by hand. There appeared more drums than any respectable musician could ever need, alerting the bald investigator to a second anomaly. Squinting one eye, and moving within inches of the miniature bongos, revealed a button like quality. The hungry man couldn't resist testing his suspicions and depressed a drum. The result was instant as a twelve foot panel of the wall in front of the altar flipped round to reveal several screens, all flickering in to life and showing three aliens sitting on a sofa.

"I think I've found something." Spiritwind pulled up two plump cushions, the rest of the team crowded round. Brick placed two similarly plump cushions next to his friend, happy he'd found a television to watch, all the while sucking his finger in search of sympathy. Brick had discovered the resistant nature of the statues through repeated poking. The concepts opted for the upholstered benches, Zarg remained standing. He was too excited to sit.

"Is that the anchor room?" Brick asked anyone who knew.

"From what I've heard, that looks like it." Zarg was the only one to fit the description.

Three aliens sat on a circular sofa, each able to see the other two. The time hovered in the centre of the room, slowly spinning as each unit of measurement passed. Various camera angles showed the walls to be covered with every timepiece imaginable, from digital clocks to egg timers. A small box on each alien's arm flashed the time directly in front of their eyes every thirty seconds.

"Is there any way we can smash all the clocks to pieces?" Brick waded straight in with destruction.

"We can't get in." Spiritwind reminded his friend of the initial dilemma.

"It wouldn't matter even if you could." Zarg added further weight. "By now all those clocks are irrelevant. The intention was only ever to program their subconscious minds to know the time to perfection. Every creature in the universe has an internal clock that knows roughly what time it is. Our plan was to make theirs exact."

"So we have to reprogram their subconscious using only boredom?" Brick spelt out the task.

"Is that even possible?" Spiritwind questioned its power.

"Yes." They found a gap to leap in to. "Absolute boredom is incredibly powerful. It seeps into every part of your mind, destroying everything it has or ever hopes to be. Killing all emotion and leaving a mere shell of a body to peer out on the hopeless world, desperate for anything to stimulate it once more."

"Yes would have done fine." Brick took the words on board as he turned to Zarg. "So what's this secret to your peoples' boredom?"

"I can hardly bring myself to say it. It's so boring. I can barely motivate my mouth to get through the sentence....."

"But you are going to say it?" Brick tried to speed the alien up.

"I suppose so. Health and. Give me a moment." Zarg took a deep breath. "Safety regulations. I think I need a sit down." Zarg wobbled but remained standing.

"Health and safety regulations? That's it." Brick felt decidedly let down.

"Have you ever read a full set?" Zarg challenged Brick's challenge.

"Well no. It never seems worth the effort. The writing's too small to start with, then there's all those sub sections. And to be fair when you do actually read them they're mostly common sense only written out with long words and confusing language. Which means you get half way through one before thinking you know what it's going on about so don't actually have to read it. So your mind stops taking the information in but your eyes keep on moving. By the time you realise you don't have a clue what you've just read, you're at the end and have to go back to the start. After fourteen attempts at reading the thing you finally finish it, only to discover you knew not to do what it said all along. I don't think they're written with the intention of ever being read though."

"Maybe in your culture. We Jefferians are brought up to go to health and safety school three times a darnum. We're forced to sit and read out regulations for a harlen."

"What does that translate to?"

"Seven hours, three times every two weeks." Zarg winced at the memory.

"Why would you be so cruel to yourselves?" Brick would have sobbed given more preparation time.

"To ensure we grow up knowing what's right and wrong."

"And do you?" Brick pulled a sad face in lieu of the tears he couldn't muster.

"Of course not, it just makes us resentful at all the time we waste. Most people have an innate knowledge of what's right and wrong and for everything else there's common sense. I know not to place my hands inside moving machinery. Not because I've read section 46, sub section 12a of Drillco's operational guide to drilling, but because it's pretty flaming obvious."

"I'm sensing this is a touchy subject." Spiritwind could see Zarg changing colour.

"There is a little resentment I'm yet to work through, but I'll be fine."

"So is the thought of health and safety regulations likely to induce a similar reaction in the three in there?" Spiritwind continued to ask the questions.

"I would imagine so."

"Will they have a manual we can make them read?" Spiritwind's mind began forming a plan.

"They should have, but it will have been misplaced or forgotten for sure." Zarg turned back to his normal shade of green, a sense of calm co-operation washing over him.

"Then we'll just have to find one out here." Spiritwind looked around the panel. "What does it look like Zarg?"

"An enormous, dull looking book." It was the best he could manage.

"Okay everyone. You heard the man. We need to find an enormous, dull looking book."

Team A scattered and began a methodical search without any conscious communication. For the first time they gave the appearance of working as a well oiled unit.

In reality, Brick spent most of the time trying to remember what he was looking for. He'd become preoccupied wandering about bread and when in the process of applying heat it officially turns to toast. Spiritwind had been a slow starter, he'd insisted on making a packed lunch before commencing. Zarg, on the other hand, approached the task with enough fervour for everyone. He could almost smell his right to be smug all the way home. They, had initially been searching on top of things. Without success he switched tactics and started looking under things instead. Coincidentally, Coincidence switched from searching under things to on top of things at the very same moment. He instantly spotted something on a shelf.

The shelf was around six feet high, well out of reach of any Jefferian. He reached up to the platform of shimmering awe and removed an enormously dull and dusty object. It took both hands and a moments bracing to bring it down. It was indeed a book. The concept wafted at the dust its movement created, and opened it to reveal writing so small it threatened to disappear from existence. He squinted and read the first line: 'Rule 1: Always store the health and safety manual within easy reaching distance of yourself and your colleagues. Never place on a shelf that is too high, a floor that is too low, or a table you can't be bothered walking over to'.

"I think I've found it." Coincidence smiled. Zarg cursed not discovering it first. Spiritwind was pleased the quest was complete; his packed lunch had already run out. Brick glanced up from his knees and wondered what exactly had been found, and They stopped searching and joined the others as they converged on Coincidence.

"Now what?" Brick hoped the answer would shed light on what had been discovered.

"I'll show you." Brick cursed the vagueness of Spiritwind's response.

Contents

### Chapter Forty One

Brick and Spiritwind sat at the lavish control panel, the health and safety manual between them. The concepts, and Zarg, watched on as they waited to see the great plan unfold. Spiritwind had kept it secret to up the drama. With an open book and an intercom it was fairly obvious what they intended, but for the sake of camaraderie nobody spoilt their big moment. Brick's finger hovered above the button that activated the microphones. The duo prepared to begin.

"What are their names?" Spiritwind turned to Zarg to tidy up the admin side of things.

"Steve, Harvey and Gus." Zarg felt confident he'd remembered the trio correctly.

"Steve, Harvey and Gus. Okay."

"Ready?" Brick awaited the reciprocal nod from Spiritwind. It duly came. Brick pushed the button, only for a box of tissues to appear from a Buddha's head. "Sorry. Wrong one. I'll try again." The room released the breath it had been holding in the form of a disappointed sigh. The clumsy saviour's second attempt saw the light beneath the microphones flitter on. Brick gave Spiritwind the signal to begin, the signal being a point and emphatic nod.

"Good darnum men." The three shot upright. The voice sounded official. "My name is Joseph and I am safety officer 326. I'm joined by my able assistant Graham, safety officer 4444."

"Hello." Brick waved, more through excess excitement than practicality.

"We are here for a rigorous appraisal of the health and safety procedures you should be following." A general groan deflated the anchor room. "We shall begin with safety procedure 184, sub section 12. Have....."

"Erm....hello." One of the aliens raised his hand. Unbeknown to Team A, it was Steve. "Could you quickly remind us of procedure 184, sub section 12?" Steve hoped it was something to do with cakes and tasting.

"You should know this." Spiritwind used the stern voice he'd heard directed towards him in countless jobs.

"Sorry. Is it the one about cakes?" Steve tried his luck.

"You don't know procedure 184, sub section 12? Not knowing a procedure when asked is instant violation of rule 1862, sub section 98. I suppose we can let you have a quick peek at the manual." Spiritwind covered the microphone to allow a sneaky giggle.

Steve looked around the room. The other two aliens returned the glance with an added shrug and fearful expression. Steve tried to explain. "We don't have it to hand at the moment." He spoke slowly in the hope it would help.

"Don't have......not near.....flabbergasted I am. Direct violation of rule 1. I'm writing all this in my report you know." Brick motioned to let him have a go. Spiritwind opened a pack of cookies and gave his friend the floor.

"Good darnum guys. This is safety officer 4444. I'm afraid Joseph has had to take a break to try and calm down. Such flagrant abuse of the sacred manual has him a seething mess out here. For your information, procedure 184, sub section 12 states that all regulations must be read thoroughly once a darnum. Have you read the manual this darnum? Before you answer you may wish to know you've been recorded the whole time you've been in there. Verifying your story will take but a matter of moments."

A quick negotiation without speech unfurled in the anchor room. Steve shrugged towards the other two. They shook their heads back. All shoulders dropped as Gus wondered if he should stop his morning dance routine in light of knowing people were watching. Various words were mouthed before the body language suggested they knew there was no way out of it. Steve continued as spokesperson. "No."

"Tut, tut, tut. I'm afraid if you haven't read the manual, and you can't find your copy, we'll just have to read it out over the intercom. We'll get back to you in a moment. Make yourselves comfortable. We may be here a while." Brick turned to Zarg as Steve, Harvey and Gus fell back in their seats. "We won't have to read out the whole thing, will we?"

"I wouldn't expect so."

"I was hoping for more of a definite no."

"I can only commit to expecting not." Zarg made it clear he wouldn't budge. Brick turned back to the panel. They and Coincidence nodded to each other, highly impressed with Brick and Spiritwind's work, and the comfort of the stools.

"Nice voice by the way." Brick turned to Spiritwind.

"Why thank you. It's loosely based on the supervisor we had in that furniture stockroom."

"I thought I recognised the twitch. He was overly serious. Who tells people off for sitting down in a room full of chairs and sofas?" The pair shook their heads in remembered disbelief. "I've based Graham on that lollipop man that used to refuse to stop the traffic for us outside the deckchair factory."

"I see it now. I couldn't place the voice without the sound of buses flying past." Both sat in nostalgic wonder. Had Coincidence not coughed in a tone that suggested they get on with it, the pair could have sat there indefinitely.

"Do you want to take the first shift reading?" Brick opened the negotiations. He hoped the mission would be complete before a second shift was needed. The novelty of reading in to a stork had worn off.

"I was thinking we could read a rule each?" Spiritwind saw straight through Brick's ploy. He countered with an irritatingly apt compromise.

"Deal." Brick could find no basis to disagree.

"Before you start you should take your gloves off." Zarg interjected. "If this works you don't want your hands frozen in our time." Everyone was astonished at Zarg's helpfulness.

"Cheers. And what do you mean, 'if." Brick couldn't help but end the sentence in conflict. He didn't give the alien the chance to reply. "Shall I begin?"

"Certainly." Spiritwind offered his friend the floor. Brick took it, pushing the Buddha's bongo once more.

"Good darnum again anchor room. This is still Graham. Myself, and Joseph shall be alternating to read out the rules. It is such a long and arduous task that our voices simply couldn't take it alone." Brick cranked up the boredom factor. "Therefore do not panic if the voice you hear continually changes. This is not a rule, just a friendly piece of health and safety advice. This however is a rule: rule 1: Always store the health and safety manual within easy reaching distance of yourself, and your colleagues. Never place on a shelf that is too high, a floor that is too low, or a table you can't be bothered walking over to. Let's try and remember that one this time, eh chaps." Brick passed control to Spiritwind.

"This is Joseph again men. Just so you know. I won't introduce myself each time. Rule 2: Never push a button that isn't labelled with the consequences of such action, unless fully qualified to do so. No excuse will be accepted for such reckless behaviour. No matter how big, red or cool the button may be."

"Rule 3: Never poke the statues expecting them to move. The majority are solid gold, and the only thing that will move will be your finger in directions it wasn't built to. I can vouch for that rule personally." Brick shook his finger. Still no sympathy was forthcoming. "If your intention is to move the statue in order to open a secret passage, then ask somebody who knows exactly which statue to move before attempting such, but understand that the person who knows will have been sworn to secrecy and will refuse to tell you, if not outright deny to even possess the required knowledge."

"Rule 3, sub section 1: If you are informed of the whereabouts of any secret passages, or methods of opening one, keep it to yourself. Telling too many people of its existence will merely lead to it losing its secret status, and in turn you will lose the right to feel smug about knowing a secret." Brick and Spiritwind shared a nod of solidarity. Steve, Harvey and Gus secured blank expressions to their faces and sank further into the sofas and their own minds. It was a promising start.

Contents

### Chapter Forty Two

Gus began rocking as an aside to chewing an entire hand. For the sake of politeness he used his own. Harvey's eyeballs continued to sweat while Steve remained in a calm, trance like state, staring at the air around him as though he could see truth itself. The trio had only been subjected to half an hour of regulations but the cracks were more than showing. Spiritwind nodded to Brick, it was his turn to read. Brick accepted with the grimace of a full man being offered a Sunday roast, with gateaux for afters.

A rumble had been slowly building around the ship and had now reached an intensity that could no longer be ignored. The team's inquisitive glances were quelled by Zarg giving a thumb's up. It was clear that they should continue what they were doing. Brick wiggled his jaw in preparation to speak, only to be interrupted by a tap on the shoulder. Turning to enquire its purpose he found Coincidence gesturing to the screen. One of the aliens was moving. The rules could wait.

Steve rose from the sofa, battling to reconnect his mind to his voice box. The distant glaze that had coated his eyes fell away, his words fighting through defiance to be heard.

"I've been thinking." Harvey and Gus could only manage a turn of the head in response. Steve was going to speak, regardless of the audience and their level of interest. "Why are we bothering to sit here surrounded by all these clocks?" Harvey tried to answer. He remembered something in the handbook about questioning time whilst in the anchor room. It was either do it a lot or not at all. His mouth had apparently seized up through boredom and thus the idea remained in his head. Gus barely dribbled a response as he realised his hand was far harder to remove from his mouth than place there. Steve continued. "We've sat and listened to these regulations for what feels like an age, yet the clocks tell us it's only been ten nolars. How can that be? How can our perception of time be so wrong?" The ship increased the ferocity of its shaking. Steve continued, either oblivious or without care. "I don't think our perception is wrong. I think the clocks are wrong." The rumble began to affect the anchor room. Harvey looked around nervously as the other two remained oblivious to the disruption; Gus was far more concerned with his hand. Back in the control room, They and Coincidence adjusted their sitting position. Zarg remained short and stable.

"I.....I....don't think." Harvey tried to protest. His speech was weak having only just returned. Steve continued with a growing fervour.

"If time is purely perception then why even use clocks to measure it? They can't perceive time, they have no understanding of what time really is." Harvey stopped trying to remember the handbook and listened to Steve. The words struck a chord. "The only way to truly measure time is through you; because that is the only way it exists. It's a concept we move through in order to live, not a number on a box that changes at preset intervals." Harvey nodded his head without realising. Gus was busy panicking about how little oxygen his body could squeeze past his hand, an action which demanded more oxygen to continue, and thus further the panic.

"You've got a point." Harvey joined in as the ship's volatility steadily increased.

"You think?" Steve was pleased for the support. It wasn't often his ideas were taken seriously.

"Definitely." Harvey had been placed in the anchor room to fine tune his timekeeping. He'd been late for almost every shift since his first day as wages clerk. The only reason he wasn't fired was nobody else was prepared to do the task. The anchor room was seen as a compromise. "I don't understand the fuss about being on time. What is 'on time' anyway? Everyone judges everyone else by their own watch, but whose watch is ever right?" Gus continued to focus on his hand situation. His eyes widened as panic continued to spread. All the while the time anchor's grip loosened as Steve and Harvey chipped away at their concept of Jefferian time. Harvey continued chiselling. "I think people get too hung up on 'when' it is, rather than enjoying 'where' you are. You're right Steve: time is just a dimension that we pass through, a dimension that allows life to progress. The time in this room is as fictitious as the happiness we chase through fiscal displays. I realise time is a necessity, and allows us to engineer societal fluidity, but such emphasis is placed upon it I wonder if we've forgotten it's merely a guide and not the intended goal."

"We should use time as a practical device rather than a means to control our lives." Steve interpreted Harvey's words and spoke them, building towards a great conclusion. Harvey only nodded in response as the idea sunk in to his own mind to find a place.

The anchor didn't know what to do next. As the input of time had decreased it had followed the recommended guidelines and shook the ship accordingly. This was supposed to alert those inside to the problem and encourage them to fix it. It had done the reverse. The anchor had continued following the recommended guidelines and shook with added fervour, to the extent Brick and Spiritwind could no longer sit comfortably. Grasping a number of ornaments protruding from the desk, the duo had to hold on tightly. They and Coincidence grasped the cushioned bench they were on with both hands while Zarg continued to reap the benefits of his stable frame. Harvey was on a philosophical roll and pushed things further.

"Time is merely the backdrop that life flows past and through. What is a darnum to time other than a series of revolutions on a clock face determined by how long it takes a rock to rotate in space? That isn't a darnum. A darnum is a first experience, the moment you find love, the moment you lose it, it's about joy and sadness and the knowledge we gather to take on through the rest of our lives. It's about the people we ultimately forget, but for one moment cherish with a passion we can only express through analogy; and the people we know will be there forever. It's the chance to fill our minds with more joyous times than sad, so that when our final darnum comes we can look back and smile. The time will be irrelevant, barely remembered, because life is about sensation and emotion, not scientific regularity."

"Time truly is.......irrelevant." Steve and Harvey fell back in to the sofas with a satisfied glaze across their faces. At the same time, Gus' breathing had reached an impractical level. His body felt it could regulate the whole process far better without his conscious input and forced him to pass out. The loss of Gus' consciousness left the anchor with only threads to hold on to, threads that could no longer sustain the Jefferians' hold over Earth's time.

One final tantrum rocked the ship to its core, sending Team A crashing to the floor. Even the anatomically stable Zarg found himself tumbling. Brick curled up to avoid injury, the irony of kneeing himself in the mouth in the process, lost in the melee. The two amateur heroes contemplated this being the end.

Steve and Harvey remained oblivious to the commotion, transfixed by their revelations. Brick sucked on his instantly swelling lip for comfort, Spiritwind rolled around pleased he'd waited before opening any more yoghurt. They and Coincidence wondered at which point it would be morally acceptable to disappear to safety, while Zarg repented every harsh word he'd hurled at his parents. With an abruptness reserved for family members, the disruption ceased, instantly replaced by an air of calm descending on the room, coating every inch with a mellow film.

After giving the new ambience a few moments, Brick raised his head and prepared to speak. His intention was interrupted by the largest 'TWANG' in the history of elastic. Brick returned to his foetal position, kneeing the other side of his mouth on the way. The aural eruption was enough to alert Steve and Harvey to what they had done.

"That didn't sound good." Steve sat upright and considered panicking.

"I'd go as far as to say that sounded terrible." Harvey joined Steve on the edge of concern.

"That sounded like something breaking."

"Something like an anchor that had been holding sway over a planet's perception of time?"

"Possibly." Steve began rocking slightly and reverted to Jefferian honour. "Who can we blame?" They both looked towards the resting Gus. His hand had fallen from his mouth, his face offering a glance of peaceful serenity.

"He is asleep on the job." Harvey tried to justify their plan.

"He is definitely asleep."

"Maybe it was Gus' fault. We don't understand all this technical stuff." Harvey was kidding nobody

"Should we wake him up?" Steve relaxed as blame moved away from his shoulders.

"Better let him rest. He'll need the energy to explain all this when he does wake up." Harvey settled back in to the sofa without regret. Gus continued to dream. He figured if he was unconscious he may as well have a nap.

"Anchor ship, respond." Brick lifted his head, both sides of his lip throbbing. The control panel continued speaking to the room. Spiritwind joined his friend in staring at the speaker, Zarg remained tightly curled up. They and Coincidence dusted themselves down. Pleased they hadn't had to disappear.

The speakers continued emitting messages. "This is Delaware Bonanza calling Anchor ship. Humans are beginning to awake. We fear the beam is losing its hold. Please confirm anchor status, over." Brick and Spiritwind had only gestures of uncertainty to offer as the calls merged in to an endless stream of sound. "This is Custard Honeypot. Confirm humans are awaking in sector 4444. Activating evacuation procedure Flamingo." "Delaware Bonanza, confirming agreement of evacuation procedure Flamingo." "Mindful Hindsight here. We too have begun evacuation procedure Flamingo. Good luck everyone. See you back on Jeffery. Who could have seen such a plan failing?"

Zarg jumped up and down in frustration. "I did but you wouldn't listen."

"Yes you did." Brick realised they could get away with doing nothing. That didn't stop the follicle warrior posing a question he could barely believe he was asking. "Did we just save the world?"

"I think we did. Cake?" Spiritwind cracked open the chocolate filled splendours in celebration.

Brick turned to the room, hands on hips, looking proud. He awaited the sensation of pride to fill his chest, the neurons in his brain to reconnect in some new heroic fashion, the waves of adulation to begin inflating his ego, but there was nothing. Not even a bout of pins and needles. "Well I don't feel any different. Shouldn't saving the world have some impact? "

"It feels how it feels." They, was ready to offer a monologue of sorts. "How it feels may not be how you expected it to, but it is what it is, and as such this is how it feels to save the world."

"Did you even say anything then?" Brick questioned while nodding in agreement.

"Heroics are a bit of an anti climax. Unless you get shot in the shoulder or have a slowly trickling wound you can mop up for dramatic effect." Coincidence joined in as Zarg waited for any guilt to show up over his part in the plan. It seemed smugness had ambushed it.

"Or you walk away from the final battle, through the rescue services that have arrived to clean up the inferno you created, with a lady in your arms." They added garnish to the scenario as Brick wished he'd worn his vest, and set fire to something.

"Exactly. There are very few heroes who put on a show to go with their escapades. That's why Hugo Cortizone is the best there is." Coincidence sighed at the mere thought of the universe's greatest hero. Everyone ignored it, presuming it to be trapped air finding an escape.

"If I get to go back to bed then it's no anti climax." Brick stood proudly, wishing for a cape and a steady gust of wind to go with his imagined vest. "Each time I return to my duvet it's party time; admittedly a very quiet party with minimal goings on."

"Shouldn't you be considering leaving?" Fate appeared at the doorway, the rest of Team B behind him.

"Fate. We forgot to call you, but it's okay because we saved the world." Brick held both arms aloft in a victory stance.

"I know. Congratulations, but have you considered the Jefferians will flee back to the ship now the humans are slowly awaking?" Fate made a good point, as always.

Brick looked to Spiritwind for an answer. "No we hadn't considered that." It was a simple and true response.

"Then you need to leave, fast."

"Shouldn't the Jefferians be frozen now our time is coming back?" Spiritwind picked a terrible moment for inquisitiveness. Zarg explained as they headed in to the corridor.

"We've had extensive training to be able to perceive your time. Plus it will take several of your minutes for your time to fully return. The anchor is meant to be removed slowly, snapping like that will leave the Earth flickering between the two states."

"Hold on." The inquisitiveness infected Brick. "Gordon's outside guarding the door. Nobody can get back on board."

"The spider?" The nods allowed Fate to continue. "He decided to leave. Didn't want to resume his earlier argument with Karma, when he thought he should have wings and she didn't. I don't think he wanted to risk any more limbs on a second debate."

"Poor Gordon; hope he's okay." Nobody shared Brick's sympathy, least of all Zarg. "Well if he's not outside we really should leave." Fate rolled his eyes to the sky in exasperation. He was sure he'd been suggesting that for at least a minute.

Fut offered his congratulations to the duo, Irony begrudged a well done. Karma was too busy considering the weight of the statues and how they'd look in her lounge, to offer niceties. Brick and Spiritwind accepted the plaudits then turned to Zarg. Coincidence took the opportunity to speak to his brother.

"Where have you been?" Coincidence enquired as to Team B's whereabouts.

"We were upstairs arguing whether a room we found was a 17th century pirate ship or a linen closet. How did they do?" Fate pointed at Brick and Spiritwind, who'd formed a suspicious huddle with Zarg.

"Considering they weren't the intended saviours of the Earth I think you can relax in the knowledge you've got away with it. Not the most orthodox style, but it worked." The heroic huddle broke as Brick approached the concepts.

"We've had a quick word, and Zarg has agreed to show us an emergency exit off the ship." Zarg toddled off, out of the room and down the corridor. "We feel it would be best if you did your transporting trick and we meet up later. It's easier to escape with two of us." Nobody could find fault with such an idea.

"We can meet later at my house if you wish? Debrief and what not." Fate tidied up the formalities.

"Excellent, party at Fate's house. Drop your address off at ours on the way past." Brick clapped in celebration. Fate wondered how he'd just become a host for the evening. Karma simmered. They were supposed to be having a quiet night in. The party was instantly his fault.

As Karma's mood turned, Zarg's voice filtered in to the room. "Quickly, this is heavy." Everyone relocated to the corridor to find Zarg holding open a hefty wall panel. Brief 'see you laters' were exchanged as the concepts faded in to the air, leaving Brick and Spiritwind to scuttle down the corridor and through the opening, Zarg squeezing through behind them. As the panel closed, the ballroom elevator could be heard arriving, releasing numerous Jefferians in to the corridor. The duo had mastered the art of hero timing if nothing else.

Contents

### Chapter Forty Three

One of a billion droplets of water cascaded towards the ground, disheartened with the experience of falling. Since the beginning of its existence it had been told riding a waterfall was the ultimate. 'You'll never be the same again', they'd said. Maybe it had been built up too much, but for him it was no better than riding a decently paced river, only with less control and more pushing and shoving. The droplet didn't want to face the anti climax of the crash at the bottom and opted out of the whole affair.

Fighting its way to the edge of the vertical rapid, the droplet allowed the passing air to take hold and pull it free. Momentarily floating, gravity quickly resumed control, reeling the splash towards the ground. As he fell, the droplet felt pleased he'd taken charge of his own destiny. He wasn't a fool, following the crowd for an over hyped experience that was ultimately false. He was a renegade, a lone soldier in the wastelands of life. He was.....

"My eye." Brick recoiled from peering upwards.

"What's wrong with you now?" Spiritwind enquired as he tucked in to a serving of cheese and crackers.

"A drop of water just went right in the centre of me eye." He dabbed it with the back of his hand. The grimace was to let the world see his pain rather than any physiological response.

"You seem surprised." Spiritwind continued to be stunned by the sight before him. "And I suppose you have every right. Who'd expect a drop of water to fall in their eye when staring upwards at a waterfall not five feet away?"

"I know. It's ridiculous." Brick missed the sarcasm once more.

Zarg had led the duo in to the stairway that served as a fire escape. In Jefferian fashion it also housed a tubular waterfall around twelve feet in diameter. The walls offered the essence of cave, a cave far removed from the reality of creatures and dankness. The surroundings had been plucked directly from the kind used to sell shampoo. Shimmering rocks supported strategically placed vines, and plants held flowers that inspired romance. Leaves reached in to the vertical stream, diverting droplets with their playful resistance, while beams of sunlight skipped happily throughout, adding sheen without blinding. The trio had been heading steadily up the stairs that were carved in to the rocks. They had paused on a platform to appreciate their surroundings, when Brick had suffered his misfortune.

"Is it much further?" Spiritwind asked out of curiosity rather than petulance.

"Only a few more floors. From what I remember there's an emergency exit in the fun room."

"Did you say fun room?" Brick's eye irritation became nothing more than an irregular blink.

"Yes. Everyone has a fun room don't they?"

"A room for fun? It's not an inappropriately named room like the drawing room?" Brick had never been so serious about the topic of fun.

"Shall I presume that people don't draw in the dra..."

"No never. The fun room though?" Brick's blinking eye made his excitement appear closer to lunacy.

"Oh the fun room lives up to all expectation. Come on." Zarg led the way as Spiritwind brought up a question. The sunlight within a sealed corridor had sparked his curiosity.

"Where does the light come from, because there aren't any windows and I can't see any bulbs anywhere?"

"Particle lighting." Zarg explained on the ascent. Brick dipped his hand in and out of the waterfall whilst listening. "Each molecule of air is fitted with an atomic sized torch. A mirror controlled by pulleys can be directed to reflect the light in any direction or intensity you wish."

Brick tried to focus on a single molecule. Zarg misinterpreted the squint. "Why are you pulling faces at me?" Zarg fancied a strop. His hormones suddenly realised they were nearing their goodbye. Unable to show the fact he would miss Brick's stupidity it came out as a rebuke.

"I wasn't, I was...." The moment to explain had passed.

"First you tie me to a chair and threaten to punch me, and now this."

"Now I explained that. It was all in the rules. You really should have dealt with this resentment by now." Brick considered rubbing the top of Zarg's head but was unsure of the etiquette concerning antennae and the touching of.

"Honestly, I don't know why I bother." Zarg stormed up the stairs, mumbling to himself. Brick and Spiritwind shared a puzzled glance. After six flights the little alien had shifted back towards the more pleasant end of his erratic moods.

"This is it. Through here." Zarg opened a door in to another corridor and stepped through, checking for any passers by. Creeping along, he paused and waved at the wall. A panel slid open. Brick and Spiritwind could see Zarg waving them towards him. Only Brick responded with paranoia.

"What if it's a trap?"

"You and your traps, come on." Spiritwind stood without concern and strolled across to the little alien. Brick followed suit, only with more ducking and glancing. The corridor was still empty.

Once they were all inside, Zarg closed the door. Brick and Spiritwind were paralysed with giddiness, awash with the delight of a child covered head to toe in chocolate. They stood motionless and grinning.

A stadium sized room stretched out before them, the walls and floor made from inflated rubber, perfect for bouncing on or off. An Olympic sized swimming pool sat at the centre, filled with small plastic balls. Scattered across its entirety were a multitude of sponge and inflatable objects, some depicting oversized weapons, others caricatures of ferocious beasts, all promised enjoyment. A number of structures dotted the area, built from thick crash mats. Some were collapsible upon impact and suggested movement would take minimal effort, others were sturdy; all were perfect for jumping from and around. A stream of possibility rushed in to each hero's mind as Zarg bounced effortlessly towards the far wall, ten feet at a time through technique alone.

"Follow me." The pair watched Zarg glide through the air. Both battled to stand, let alone skip. The alien reached the pool in a matter of seconds, flipping thirty feet upwards on arrival and performing a series of twists and spins so complex that describing them would sound like a lie. As Zarg hurtled towards the pool his body took on the quality of a well fired arrow, disappearing head first into the pool. A single ball bounced straight up in response to his entry.

"Do you think that's what we have to do to get out?" Brick panicked as his hands battled with stability.

"If we do then we may as well get comfy, because we're not going anywhere." Spiritwind toyed with a few gentle bounces, the techniques of childhood slowly returning to his muscles. The resulting disruption was too much for Brick. He crashed to the floor and rebounded in to the wall. Looking up from his prone position, Brick saw Zarg bounce clear from the pool.

"Come on." Zarg encouraged the pair, continuing towards the far wall as Brick wrestled his body back to standing. Spiritwind had enough control to begin following the alien's lead. The occasional error saw him bounce in unintended directions, but he had enough ability to feel confident of making it to the other side.

"Come on Brick. You must have been on bouncy castles before." Spiritwind offered verbal encouragement.

"I have. Spent most of me time being bounced around by big kids. Don't think I ever got to me feet for more than three bounces." Brick slipped and fell again. "It's alright. I've got a back up plan. I'll see you there."

Spiritwind left his friend to his battle. His own childhood fluidity returned, increasing his bouncing stride with each passing moment. He couldn't match the ten feet of Zarg, but slowly and surely he approached the wall. Zarg back flipped on the spot as he waited.

As Spiritwind came within thirty feet of reaching his goal, a cry came from behind. The sound quickly turned in to Brick, bounding past in an accentuated running style. Unable to stop, he careered straight into the wall and bounced back fifteen feet. Spiritwind skipped past him.

"Told you I'd work it out." Brick clambered back up and attempted a more sedate walk over to Zarg. It quickly became a crawl.

"Interesting technique." Zarg commented as Brick arrived.

"Cheers. It's just something I invented." Brick rubbed his nose in congratulation. Zarg stopped bouncing and walked to the wall with full stability. The little alien began searching with his fingertips. He paused at a specific point, reached in to the rubber covering and scrabbled around behind it. A click was followed by the appearance of a tear in the fabric, around three feet in diameter. Turning the circle, Zarg stepped back. The section of wall remained attached to his arm. He stumbled in battle with the weight as Brick and Spiritwind peered in to the darkness he'd revealed.

"One emergency exit." The door was clearly heavy.

"We just jump down it do we?" Spiritwind clarified the procedure.

"Pretty much." Zarg huffed. The puff awaited its turn.

"I guess we'll leave you to it then." Spiritwind turned to Brick to check he was ready to leave. Brick was wobbling uncontrollably, staring at the floor. The sound of the engines being fired up added a further rumble to the scene.

"Even if there were any genuine sentiment to exchange we wouldn't have time, so let's just get on with things." Zarg spoke, continuing to struggle. The door threw his balance somewhat askew. Brick and Spiritwind were relieved at any social formality being removed from their parting. Goodbyes were always awkward.

"It's been a pleasu..." Brick didn't finish his sentence as he tripped and bounced down the hole.

"Cheers again Zarg." Spiritwind gave a thumb's up and joined Brick.

"Make sure you read the instructions." Zarg shouted after the duo. It was advice that ideally should have been given before they entered the chute, but the weight of the door had distracted him. The little alien felt a pang in his chest. It suggested he would miss the pair in some odd way. Zarg burped and wrote the emotion off as wind before replacing the door to the secret exit.

Brick slid head first at a worrying pace. The instructions he needed to heed passed above him. Gradually turning on to his back, the signs became easier to read. The last one was red and bold. Brick checked his subconscious to see if it had read it. It said, 'You Must Be Foetal At This Point'. The fact Brick had curled up suggested his subconscious had not only read the sign but implemented its advice. Before he had time to offer thanks his body was coated in a sticky film that inflated into a ball, leaving him spinning wildly inside.

Inside the ball, Brick searched for his toes as something to focus on. Unable to find them he was convinced he'd lost his legs. The trauma was quickly diverted as an explosion of light filled the bubble, accompanied by several bumps and the introduction of flashing green and blue walls. Within seconds the bubble disintegrated, leaving Brick rolling across the grass of the basin outside the ship. Finally coming to a halt, he peered down to see his wiggling shoes. He gave himself a moment to recover and lay on his back, staring at the sky and thinking of cold floors and vomit. After a few moments, Spiritwind appeared above him with a choc ice.

"How much fun was that?" No answer came as the ship they had left creaked in to action. The legs that supported it bent to lower the craft within an inch of the ground, before leaping into the air as gracefully as a ballerina. The cloaking device flickered on as the engine took control and powered the ship away into the sky. Brick's head stopped spinning just in time to see a man running down the side of the hill towards them.

"Did you see that? You must have seen it. Tell me you saw it. You must have you were right there. Did you see it?" The man oozed all the excitement of a hungry dog at meal times. The duo could only look at each other. "Tell me you saw it. Even if you're lying...." The man continued.

"What did we see?" Spiritwind took a sensible approach.

"The spaceship that flew off, you saw it didn't you? Didn't you?"

"Spaceship? That was my car." Brick took the ridiculous route. "We've just been carjacked. Did you see which way they went?"

"Erm...." The man didn't know whether the joke was on him. He smiled nervously and pointed upwards in an effort to help. "That way."

"Right. We'd better go and get your car and follow them. Thanks for the assistance." Brick pulled Spiritwind along as puzzlement parked itself across the man's entirety.

"What should I do?" He was prepared for any suggestion.

"About what?" Brick turned back round.

"The spaceship, I mean your car."

"Car?" Brick twisted the screw. "I can't even drive why would I have a car?"

"But you said.....I didn't.....Who?......What's going on again?" The man held his face in the hope it would help.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"I don't know. Am I?"

"We don't know. We were just out collecting grass in our favourite basin when you came up and started asking lots of questions. Does this happen a lot?" Brick feigned concern.

"Not that I know of." Faces weren't built to handle such confusion.

"Maybe you should go to the doctors." Brick offered a pat on the back. It usually helped on talk shows.

"Maybe I should. Sorry to have bothered you." The man started walking back up the hill, mumbling and shaking his head.

"Don't worry about it. You just get yourself seen to." Brick waved over his shoulder as the duo walked off ahead.

"I'm a bit peckish. Should we see if the baker's open yet?" Spiritwind was pleased to have the affair behind him, and able to go home, with a few pastries of course.

"Good idea. I wouldn't mind a sausage roll actually." Spiritwind reached in to his pocket and produced one for his friend. "A fresh one. At least fresh-ish." The offer was retracted as they approached Puddleton's bustling morning. For everyone else the day was only just beginning.

Contents

### Chapter Forty Four

......and you have no idea what happened?" Ted continued to question Zarg across the dining room table.

"How many times? No. I came back to the ship and found it deserted. So I went to the fun room for a bit of a play. Next thing I know I'm being accused of treason." Zarg folded his arms and turned away.

"Treason is a little far."

"You believe me, don't you mum?" Zarg turned to Doreen for support.

"Of course I do son. I don't know why your father doesn't just check the computer's memory files. It's bound to know what happened." Doreen continued to make tea for Edwin while folding the washing.

"Because Doreen, my sweetest angel, for the fourth time; the anchor snapping has wiped the computer's memory of the entire trip."

"That's terrible. How will we know what happened?" She folded a particularly large towel with the dexterity only a mother possesses.

Ted pulled on an antenna in frustration. "We won't dearest which is why I'm asking Zarg what he knows."

"Well Zarg's told you what he knows."

"Has he?" Ted suspected his son must know something. Zarg tried to deflect attention away from him.

"Weren't there men in the anchor room you could ask?"

"Yes, but all we can get from them are incoherent mumblings about time and the name Gus."

"Have you spoken to Gus?" Zarg liked the path that didn't involve him.

"We can't get an answer out of him. He stuck his hand in his mouth the moment he woke up and we haven't been able to get it out."

"Have you tried pulling on it?" Doreen interrupted her humming to offer advice.

"Yes love."

"Sounds like it's stuck then." She stirred a pot of something light brown and gooey.

"I'll ring the boss right away with your findings." Ted only had sarcasm to offer his wife's theory.

"If you're going to be sarcastic I won't speak." Doreen hummed louder to compensate.

"Did you not see the cacklejack? It was right outside the ship pretending to be you?" Ted tried a new line of attack.

"No. Although I suppose....I mean....I do have a slight confession father." Zarg realised it was impossible to have stayed in the basin and not known what was going on. "I may have strayed beyond the boundaries we were set. The cacklejack could have seen me without me seeing it. I feel violated that it used my identity. I'm sorry though. I didn't touch anything and I didn't do anything wrong. It's not fair that I'm getting the blame for the whole stupid plan failing." Zarg played the tantrum card.

"I'm not blaming you, son. I just need to know what happened. I thought you may be able to help us figure it out." Ted tried to back away.

"How? By making it my fault? Why won't you believe me?"

"I believe you, Zarg." Doreen found a gap in her tasks to kiss Zarg on the head.

"Thanks mum." Zarg did his utmost to look upset. Ted sensed the tide had swung against him.

"We can talk about this later." Ted gave up.

"I've made your favourite for tea Zarg, Dovwar pie. We were ever so worried when we couldn't find you, weren't we Ted? Ted!"

"Hm, what? Worried? Yes dear. Terribly." Ted couldn't work out what had happened.

"I said to your father, I said Ted. When we find that son of ours I'm going to give him the biggest slice of Dovwar pie I can bake. And where my sons are concerned nothing's too much trouble." She wiggled Zarg's cheek before ruffling Edwin's antennae. Edwin giggled and blew a saliva bubble bigger than his own face. Doreen returned to her worktop as Zarg turned the questioning on his father.

"It seemed nice, the Earth." Zarg swung his legs under the table.

"Yes." Ted was surprised to see Zarg still sat down. He'd expected him to storm off to his bedroom for the night. "The bits I saw were very pleasant, except for all those humans." Ted folded his paper down to allow conversation.

"Maybe they'd have been alright if they were moving around?" Zarg found himself defending humanity.

"I can't see it, too tall for my liking. They would have all been shipped to Antarctica anyway, once we took control. Let them have all that emptiness while we get the good bits." Ted almost laughed to himself. Zarg felt the first pangs of guilt, but not for his own peoples' failure to succeed. Maybe the worst of teenage hormones were over and his body could see the civil light at the end of the tunnel. He didn't want the humans to be sent away. His decision to aid Brick and Spiritwind felt all the more justified.

"So, dad." The tone roused Ted's suspicions.

"Yes, son." Ted continued peering over his newspaper.

"Does the fact we're heading home mean I was right to say the plan was flawed?" Zarg transferred his smugness to his legs. They swung rapidly.

Ted put the paper down and sat upright. "Your concerns had a reasonable basis, but we still don't know exactly where we went wrong."

"But I was right?"

"Well.....right is such a difficult thing to define." Ted verbally wobbled.

"I said something would happen and it did. Is that not the definition of right?"

"Your suspicions were proved more correct than false."

"Which is another way of saying I was right. Right?" Zarg wanted to hear the words.

"In a sense."

"The sense of yes, I was right?" Zarg almost set his legs on fire as they brushed past each other.

"Well...." The pain on Ted's face was visceral.

"You can say it dad. It's okay."

"I suppose....."

"Yes..."

"You were right." Ted folded his paper back up and hid behind it.

"Did you hear that mum? I was right." Zarg jumped down from his chair.

"Really dear. That's super." Doreen had been focusing on inflating the pastry.

"Did you hear that Edwin? I was right." Zarg revelled in the smugness. The betrayal felt fully justified.

"Cartwheel." Edwin's new words were coming at a frantic pace. He pulled on an antenna as he spoke. It hurt. He realised he'd have to test it again later to make sure it wasn't a coincidence. Meanwhile Zarg made up a little song on the spot about being right and danced happily away to his room. The newspaper shook as Ted wished for the morose, obstinate version of his son. He was a far easier beast to deal with.

"At least Zarg's cheered up love. Not a completely wasted trip."

"Always the optimist my sweetheart." Ted's smile wasn't heartfelt.

"What do you think of our little trip Edwin?"

"Manicure." Exactly.

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### Chapter Forty Five

"At the very least a thank you." Brick continued to complain. "A parade would obviously be lovely, but I'm not one to push things."

"There's only so many times I can point out that everybody was frozen and knows nothing about our adventure." Spiritwind tried once more to explain, all the while piling through his numerous bags of hot pastries.

"It doesn't make it right, or fair."

"Tell somebody then. See what they say." Spiritwind had tired of the same conversation.

"I will." The defiance was entirely unnecessary. "Who?"

"Him. Come on." Spiritwind nodded across the road to the butchers. Wasting no time he strolled the short distance, pursued by Brick, and entered the shop. John Biggins had been awaiting his first customer and had prepared the biggest of smiles. He possessed every physical facet any self respecting butcher should: portly frame and circular face, with a blood stained apron and white see through trilby.

"Why hello young chaps. Which animal may I serve to you on this glorious day?"

"Tell him." Spiritwind opened his sausage roll bag.

"Why him?"

"Why not? Plus look at how happy he is. He couldn't be anything but pleasant about the whole thing." John Biggins watched on with a vacant stare.

"That smile comes from cutting up dead animals all day long. Who knows what built up resentment I may unleash through offence."

"How may I help, sir?" John repeated his standard script.

"You could give me your hat." Brick attempted a joke. It sprung from nervousness.

"That's very funny sir. You may feel free to take my hat, but I must remind you I have a variety of bladed objects close to hand and the will to use them. To me you are nothing but a walking accompaniment to my roast potatoes, but if you really want my hat that much then come and get it. Otherwise, how may I help you?" The friendly smile remained throughout, which made the sentence all the more threatening. Spiritwind ceased chewing and took a step nearer the door, just in case a quick exit was required.

"The thing is, I was only kidding about the hat by the way, me and my friend here have just saved the world from invading aliens who were trying to steal all the tea and coffee. Only problem is they froze time for the duration, meaning nobody is aware of what we did for the good of the planet." The glint in John's eye changed, causing confidence to abandon Brick. "We just wondered if you.....would like.....to.....thank.....us?"

John looked down at the counter and sighed before raising his head. "Very good, sir. Having fun mocking me?"

"I'm not mocki..."

"I'm up at three in the morning killing a variety of animals. Some to sell, some to eat, and some just for the hell of it, and you think it would be good fun to come in and mock me because we butchers are a jolly old bunch. Well let me tell you we're not. We have to appear jolly so nobody questions what kind of person wants to spend their days carving up death."

"Honestly I'm not. I'll bet there's no tea left anywhere in the shop." Brick equally backed away. Spiritwind was practically outside.

"No tea. You're insane. I'm always very careful to ensure our tea supplies are fully stocked. MAUREEN." John shouted through the strips of coloured plastic that acted as a door to the back room. "CHECK THE TEA SUPPLY. GOT A COUPLE OF JOKERS IN THE SHOP." The muffled sound of somebody searching cupboards echoed back before a face appeared through the multi coloured strips. It beckoned John towards it and whispered something in his ear. When his face turned back round it was red with fury. His eyes searched his work bench as he strolled back to the duo.

"So; you two have stolen my tea." It was a conclusion Brick and Spiritwind could only react to with a sense of dread and physical protestation. "Drinking tea is my third favourite hobby, after killing things and wearing my hat." A meat clever the size of a car door appeared next to his face. The menace and intent from his eyes reflected in its surface. It screamed 'run' at Brick and Spiritwind, who duly obeyed. The butcher attempted to give chase, unfortunately the design of the shop meant leaping a counter to leave. A man the size of John Biggins is not built for agility. He proved this by crashing to the floor in agony. Brick and Spiritwind didn't stop running until they reached their front door.

Brick missed the keyhole for the eighth time as Spiritwind checked the road behind them. Biritvind from next door flew past the fence, Rick followed in cartwheel pursuit.

"Don't worry. He'll be on his back for weeks." Coincidence stood at the gate.

"Oh no he's caught us. I had so much left to give." Brick assumed it was the butcher.

"Morning, Coincidence." Spiritwind had been more sensible and turned round.

"Don't bother going in. There's a party waiting." Coincidence ushered the two towards him.

"Party?" Brick calmed instantly, skirting round his outburst. "I thought that was at Fate's house later?"

"It was, but nobody had anything to do until then so we didn't see the point in waiting. Plus we went back to Fut's house and it's very hard not to party when you're there." Coincidence watched the neighbours flying through the air as he spoke, bemused by their antics. He felt somewhat pleased the wrong heroes had been activated. All that jumping around would have grown very annoying.

"Then lead the way." Brick accepted the invitation.

"Could we pick up some breakfast as we go?" Spiritwind didn't wish to drink on an empty stomach.

"Of course, I know a nice little café we have to pass." Coincidence led the merry trio, leaving Rick and Biritvind to their morning regime.

The party gradually descended in to all manner of drunken truths and camaraderie. Fate and Karma spent the entirety in a state of flux between complete love and unadulterated hate. Continually disappearing in to corners and empty rooms nobody could be sure if they were making up or tearing strips off each other. Fut played the host to perfection, keeping everyone topped up with drinks and nibbles, and matching the music to the mood of the event majestically. They, chose a corner to sit in and spouted ideas at anyone who came within social range, while Irony and Coincidence spent most of the time chatting, eventually leading to a cheeky snog that Irony insisted she would deny. Even Gordon the cacklejack turned up, as he had nowhere else to go. He and Karma made friends before They convinced him to open a hat shop. Spiritwind had a thoroughly enjoyable time and balanced being entertaining and entertained; unlike Brick who took the role of being the most drunken man in the house, deflecting all attention away from everyone else's misdemeanours. He rounded off the night by declaring his undying love for Irony and heading off to sleep in the bath, filling it with water first. All in all everyone had fun.

The following morning Brick approached his door with key in hand. His hung over head continued to taunt him with embarrassing moments he'd prefer it to delete. If he could make it to bed he could start ploughing through the apologies later.

The door swung open to reveal Spiritwind in the hallway. He'd paused there after seeing the shadow of his friend arriving. He'd just retrieved a mistakenly delivered newspaper from the space where a welcome mat would sit.

"Morning." Spiritwind surveyed his dripping peer. "You slept in the bath then?"

"How do you know...oh forget it." Brick splodged straight to the stairs.

"Have you seen this?" It was clearly rhetorical as Spiritwind held up the paper. Brick turned to see the number thirty written twice, four inches high. He couldn't fully focus on the smaller writing. Spiritwind obliged. "It says thirty percent of the world's tea and coffee supplies went missing overnight."

"They worked fast for little, waddly fella's. What's the other thirty for?"

"Thirty percent of clocks were set to ten to ten."

"Motivation works fast too. I'll deal with the news later." Brick turned back round.

"What about work?" Spiritwind munched on toast as he mischievously queried.

"Is it a work day?" Brick knew he would have to quicken his pace towards bed. Pain began descending across every inch of his being.

"It was. I phoned in and said we saved the world yesterday. The resulting party has left us a little useless."

"What did they say?"

"They were very nice. Said if we'd saved the world then maybe we should take a few weeks off, months even."

"That is nice." Brick's head didn't feel nice.

"Thinking back on it we may have been sacked."

"Ah well." Brick managed one more step before Spiritwind interrupted, again.

"We got post too. Interesting post." Spiritwind held a metallic envelope in his hand. It shimmered with virtue and the promise of a golden era yet to come.

"That is interesting post." Brick spoke through one semi closed eye. It was the only way to combat the approaching headache.

"Shall I read it?" The nod was enough. Spiritwind released the ornate clasp on the envelope, revealing a red square of material. The colour snatched at your focus, filling your mind with the warmth only childhood memories can bring. Pouring the contents into his hand, Spiritwind couldn't be sure he was even holding it, its softness transcending air. The bald hero put the envelope down and held the silken cloth. Golden writing flittered across the surface, almost floating in an emotional glow. The gold glistened on Spiritwind's face without dazzling. He read out loud:

Fellow Heroes Brick Wall and Spiritwind Capernicus Jones

You are formally granted grade one hero status from The Heroic Guild of All Things Heroic and Splendid: T.H.G.O.A.T.H.A.S. It's an honour to welcome you onto the Scrolls of Saviours, to stand aside the purveyors of legends. Your membership cards and details of all benefits will be forwarded shortly. We look forward to standing by your side in defiance of evil one day soon.

Yours Heroically

Irish Delirium

"Probably some con. Do we have to send any money?" Brick had nothing but cynicism in the face of no knowledge.

"It doesn't say."

"It will. There'll be some number we have to ring to claim our prize." Brick continued on his path to bed.

"I'm about to make a brew and read me paper. Do you want one?"

"You know I don't drink tea."

"Just thought I'd ask. You never know." Spiritwind headed to the kitchen.

"Was our tea not stolen?" Brick shouted down as he continued plodding upwards.

"Yep. That's why I took a handful from that crate we found. There's plenty. Are you sure you don't want one?"

"We've been through this." Brick continued to bed, leaving Spiritwind to look in the fridge for a treat to accompany his beverage. He spotted two tubs of yoghurt in the corner and cackled to himself. A plan for the afternoon's entertainment formed. There was a yoghurt bucket title up for grabs, and he planned to claim it as his own.

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