-Thank you!
Oh, my gosh.
It's so exciting to be here.
I've had an amazing year.
I got engaged.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
It did not work out.
[ Laughter ]
Just good to have
numbers on the board.
You know what I mean?
It's okay.
It wasn't that sad.
The ring, it felt weird.
It kept getting caught on stuff,
like sweaters and my freedom
It was, uh...
[ Laughter ]
...very cumbersome.
But, you know,
it just wasn't the right fit
Didn't work out with me
and my ex-fiance,
which is the most annoying wor
to say, by the way.
It sounds like a spell.
Just like, "Ex-fiance!"
[ Laughter ]
It's terrible.
Sound like Hermione up here.
Just like, "It's not ex-fiance
it's ex-fiansuh."
Like, "Ugh!
50 points from Gryffindor.
You are the worst."
I did like being engaged,
though.
I didn't expect
to like it that much.
But something happens.
When you slip that ring
on your finger, something in
your stupid lady lizard brai
goes, "Br-br-br-br-br-br!
Level completed."
[ Laughter ]
And you just kind of float
through Target, like, "Oh!
Am I better than everybody?"
[ Laughter ]
"What's that?
No, I don't need help.
Someone loves me."
[ Laughter ]
I'll find the towels,
right after I cancel therapy."
[ Laughter ]
"I'm all fixed."
The nice thing --
I got to be honest --
I got a lot of advice
from people,
and a lot of people told m
not to do it.
So many people were like,
"I got married at 25.
Don't know
if I'd do that again."
I'm like, "Aren't you guys
still together?"
They're like, "Yeah!"
[ Laughter ]
"Yeah, we are."
[ Chuckles ]
Lot of people told me not
to get married in my 20s at al
because you change too muc
in your 20s.
And that's true, you do.
But you're gonna change a lo
throughout the rest
of your life,
which is why I think, no matte
what age you get married at,
instead of bridesmaids,
they should just line up
every crappy version of you that
they might have to deal with
at some point so that they can
say "I do" to everyone.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it's like --
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's like,
"These are my bridesmaids --
unemployed Taylor,
depressed Taylor,
and here's my maid of honor,
vegan Taylor."
[ Laughter ]
She's gonna be super annoyin
for like three years.
Then you're gonna go
on a road trip.
There's gonna be nowhere to stop
but a burger joint.
She's gonna take one bite,
and be like, "You know what?
I do feel better."
[ Laughter ]
"I was tired.
I was tired."
I had a woman at one of my shows
yell at me from the audience
She goes, "You should really
wait till you're 27
to get married, because that's
when your frontal lobe
has finished developing
in your brain.
That's when your brain's done.
27."
[ Light laughter ]
Yeah, what a mean fact to yell
at someone who's not 27.
Just like, "Oh, you think
you're happy, Scarecrow?
Why don't you wait till th
Wizard gets you a brain. Ha!
[ Laughter ]
"I've been drinking since noon
Make me laugh."
[ Laughter ]
But I googled it,
and that fact is real.
And that fact is proof
that God is a man.
Because who else
would finish your boobs
years before your brain?
That's garbage.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You're telling me no one
up in heaven's like,
"Hey, God, are you gonna wor
on the brain today?
'Cause you keep putting it off
and it seems kind of important."
He's like,
"These are important!"
[ Laughter ]
"I'm gonna make one of the
bigger for like eight years!
Just 'cause."
[ Laughter ]
I can't believe they let m
do that one, either.
[ Laughter ]
The nice thing about calling off
a wedding in your 20s
is that nobody's that surprised.
Nobody thought that you could do
anything right to begin with
Nobody expects me
to do anything correctly.
I'm like, "What can I brin
to the potluck, Nana?"
She's like, "Napkins.
Can you handle that?"
[ Laughter ]
"Dry ones this time."
[ Laughter ]
I wanted to be married, though
because I'm not good at bein
in my 20s.
I'm not fun, I don't party
Never been drunk 'cause I'
pretty sure I'm an alcoholic
Yeah, the only time
I've ever wanted to drink
is alone in the La Quinta Inn,
and I'm told that's when
you're not supposed to do it
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah.
So I stay away from the stuff.
But I have been pulled over fo
drunk driving, completely sober,
which is a great way to find out
you're a terrible driver.
[ Laughter ]
When cops are stopping you
on the freeway, like,
"Are you wasted?"
And you're like,
"No, officer, that was my best."
[ Laughter and applause ]
That cop did not believe me,
either.
He just kept hounding me.
He's like, "How much
have you had to drink?
How much have you had?
How much have you had?"
And finally, I was just like
"No, officer,
you don't understand, okay
I'm not drunk.
I've never been drunk.
I don't even know how."
[ Light laughter ]
"I'm a little sad."
[ Laughter ]
"Is there a sad driving test?"
I think there should be one.
Like, instead of a breathalyzer,
they just have you
sigh into a harmonica.
[ Laughter ]
And if it's on pitch,
they're like,
"Out of the car, Johnny Cash
Can't have you on the road."
[ Laughter ]
You guys are great!
Thank you so much.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-"What can I bring
to the pot luck, Nana?"
[ Laughs ]
Taylor Tomlinson!
Oh, fantastic.
"Quarter Life Crisis"
is available now on Netflix.
