So my next one… I see there are some new
people here tonight. This is why I perform
at open mics — you might have your own reasoning,
but I think this is a good strategy. It has
a backing track that Alfred Ladylike helped
me put together, so, if you could play the
backing track, it would be great.
If there’s one thing that’s lauded in
the internet age,
It’s if I want to be applauded I don’t
need to go on stage.
I could write shit in my bedroom, gathering
tweets and shares and likes,
but despite it I still head to gatherings
known as open mics
Because fuck it, our creations need a community,
and luck is preparation meeting opportunity,
so when Coldplay or "Weird Al" Yankovic come
to town
and every good opening act mysteriously comes
down
with a synthetic disease to which I have immunity,
I'll be ready to please, dropping rhymes with
impunity.
[FART SOUNDS]
‘Cause I’m a Master of Rhyme;
I’ve got a Masters degree,
and my thesis was a rhyming dictionary,
so I'll be rapping my rants
and you’ll be clapping your hands
and flapping your panties
that you happily planned
to throw at fabulous bands
and I’ll be nabbing their fans
while they are crapping their pants.
[LONG FART SOUND]
In real life I’m a hacker and I’m super
science-knowledge-y:
linguistics and mathematics and some microbiology,
but I admit that in the latter I have lax
methodology,
and for that I say no matter; I present my
apology.
if your bladder had a splatter, don’t be
mad; I tried urology
[SOUND OF URINATION]
So back to the point: my plan is all about
practice.
The knack to seem much better than any surviving
opening act is.
And that may sound unfettered and conniving,
but the fact is
they lack my well-honed stagecraft and immunoglobulin
factors.
[FART SOUND]
because I’m
perfecting my art
and projecting my heart
while collecting the hard-earned
affection that’s marred
by those correctly called 'artists'
rejecting my protective injection,
electing collective infection, ejecting a
shart. [SHORT SHARP FART SOUND]
And maybe I’m a chump who’s not much better
than you
but I’ll be number one while you’re going
number two.
[LONG FART SOUND]
I digress; I’m an open mic nerd; I require
us
to weary of hearing Free Bird, Miley Cyrus
When merely a chord or a word can rewire us
and everyone’s here to be heard and inspire
us
then I'll engineer a deferred norovirus.
[ELECTRICITY SOUNDS]
[ELECTRIFIED FART SOUNDS]
So now you understand why I’m facing my
fears.
I’m bracing to be panned while embracing
my peers,
so I’ve no stage fright when the big stars
are here.
There’ll be no cage fight; the choice will
be clear,
because I write each night, I can guarantee
ya
that my shite’s not trite, or second tier,
and the light's so bright I can barely see ya
and I'll be the only artist without diarrhoea.
[LONG, LOUD FART SOUND]
God, it stinks in here!
[TOILET FLUSH]
