Hello everybody.
This is a bit of an unusual video for me.
Sorry to say this but there is no epic Marxism
here.
This video is literally just about my channel
and me, I guess.
If you don’t want to see that, sorry, I
promise this won’t become a vlog channel.
This will probably the only video in this
format.
Unless I get cancelled and need an apology
video which would probably look like this.
TLDR: I am going to take a break from youtube,
I don’t know for how long yet.
Also do you like my face?
It’s on the internet for the first time
ever, there is literally no image of me online.
Ah, so, to the question.
"So, why take a break?"
To help you to understand this I will massively
overshare about my mental state and the past
few weeks of my life.
Trigger warnings for: Alcoholism, depression,
suicide, self-harm and more.
Jesus Christ it sounds bad if you put it that
way.
As you may know I am trans and I started hormone
therapy a few months back.
Now here is a fun fact: Your hormone levels
have a really strong influence on how you
feel.
For example when I mainly had testosterone
I barely felt any feelings but as soon as
I started taking Estrogen I started having
a lot of feelings, almost all of them intensely
negative.
And the repressed feelings from the past 20
years of my life came back.
So naturally I didn’t feel well at the time.
That was around the same time I had to finish
my thesis with 3 schoolmates who all did nothing
which increased my stress level a lot.
To feel less awful I turned to alcohol and
self harm, you know, cutting.
That didn’t really work and I got more and
more suicidal each day and I wasn’t sure
if I could trust myself not to do it.
When I told my therapist about it, oh yea,
I go to therapy for obvious reasons, she suggested
I admit myself to a mental health hospital,
like, a psych ward.
Because they could keep me safe from myself
essentially.
After a very uncomfortable conversation with
my mother I got to one.
This was the time I made that community post
about reduced uploads if you remember that.
I figured that I would spend my time there
getting better instead of uploading a video
every week.
I missed exactly one upload.
Then the YouTube app kept yelling at me for
allowing the numbers to go down and I felt
worse and worse about it, and I forced myself
to upload every week again even though I was
not better at all.
People have commented about me sounding depressed.
That’s because I was, and I am.
I was in the psych ward for two weeks and
they didn’t exactly fix any of my mental
health problems, though they gave me a healthy
sleep schedule and a bunch of new meds so
that’s something.
They diagnosed me with depression big surprise,
social anxiety, long story but I agree with
that one and an adjustment disorder.
In case you don’t know what that means,
they were saying that I couldn’t adjust
to my own transition and that that was the
reason I developed a depression.
They gave me a few new meds which don’t
seem to be doing anything, besides possibly
making me like less paranoid because I would
have never shown my face online before today.
Uh so like, maybe some of their meds are doing
something, just like nothing I would have
noticed on my own.
But the fact that I am massively oversharing
rigt now and showing my face kind of suggests
that like something has been going on.
I assume it's some meds, because it's not
like I've gained more confidence.
So uh, then sent me back home.
I then went to a psychiatrist who after looking
at my medical history diagnosed me with Borderline
Personality Disorder and I was like “no
way I don’t have that” because at the
time I knew someone who had borderline and
was way worse off than me.
But then I read up on the symptoms and it’s
a pretty perfect fit to be honest.
Like, it’s a spectrum I don’t have the
worst version of Borderline but it’s been
causing me many problems throughout my life.
Like, one of the symptoms of borderline is
an unstable sense of self and right now I
am looking at my own face, at the recording
I am doing right now and I am wondering "jesus
christ who is this person" because I've never
looked this way.
Like, when I look in a mirror I don't look
like that, when I look in my phone camera
I don't look like that.
I never look like that.
There is no picture of me where I look like
that and on discord I don't look like that
so.
Who is this person?
Is this even me?
And that's like, an instable sense of self.
Which is like one of the most, which is one
of the borderline symptoms.
I do have most of those, but that's not the
point here.
Uhm like,that’s 4 mental illnesses for those
counting at home, so far.
Oh, if you count being trans as a mental illness
as austrian...uh. it's like legally described
in austria.
It's 5 mental illnesses.
So, that's something.
So I tried my best to stay sober and free
of self-harm all while forcing myself to make
youtube videos every week because I knew if
I didn’t youtube would make me feel bad,
and on top of that, I didn’t want to disappoint
my patreons, obviously, they pay me to upload.
And I felt like it wouldn’t be fair for
me to use my mental illness as an excuse not
to upload.
And I know that that’s faulty logic because
mental health is a legitimate reason not to
work and not just an excuse, but that’s
the way I thought about it.
Then later I realized something really bad
about myself which I couldn’t and wouldn’t
deal with so a headmate appeared to help me
work through that.
Her name is Alice, she is an ancap and she
lives inside my head.
This will be a strange concept to many, essentially
it’s like multiple personality disorder,
like, she is in there and she will occasionally
take control of the body.
But really it makes sense to think of her
as a completely separate person to me.
We don’t have much in common.
She’s always behaved well so far so I am
not scared of her.
It’s just really weird to have another person
in here and even worse because I know why
she is here.
So that’s my mental state.
I managed to stay sober for uh.
I managed to stay sober and self harm free
for almost 3 weeks.
But then Sunday happened.
On Sunday my grandpa died, I was really close
to him so that hurt a lot, and it still hurts.
And because of that I started both drinking
and self-harming again.
And of course, the suicidal thoughts are back
as well.
On top of that I have finals in September
and I haven’t studied at all yet which is
probably bad.
And with all this happening at once, I just
can’t see myself find the energy to make
videos.
Like, I can garely bet, Like I can garely...
I can barely get out of bed some days, actually
most days.
It’s just too much.
W...want to know a fun fact?
Like, today when I got up I sat in my bed
for 45 minutes before I was able to put on
pants.
That's how bad it is right now.
So, yea there is just a bit too much going
on mentally, right now.
Like, depression on it’s own is bad enough
but on top of that I have anxiety which sometimes
prevents me from even going outside.
And like, borderline is making my life really
hard as well because I keep pushing people
away so I don’t have any friends outside
of my discord server anymore and I can’t
get any new friends because of my social anxiety.
And then there is Alice and the OSDD she represents.
You know, I could make a whole video on how
borderline ruined my life.
Same for like Alice or DID or whatever the
hell she is.
I've not gotten her diagnosed yet, so I am
just not sure.
She just lives in here and yells at me all
the time.
Most of you probably only have a basic understanding
of what Borderline even means and I wish I
was able to explain it but I can barely write
this script right now and I am barely capable
of recording this here, so I am sorry but
I can't really give a good summary of what
borderline means.
As you can tell there has been a lot going
on, and I haven’t even mentioned how I may
be developing an eating disorder right now.
And I will totally leave it at that.
So, I hope you understand why I am planning
on taking a break for some time.
There are a few things I’d like to done
before I continue making youtube videos.
I would like to stop the drinking and self-harm
again.
I will...I would like to stop the self harm,
again.
I wouldn't like to like stop drinking and
self harm again.
Linguistics.
I woul like to stop the drinking and self
harm, again.
And I would like to finish my Dialectical
behavioural therapy which is a therapy designed
for people with borderline, it’s about managing
emotions in a healthy way.
I would also like to somehow focus on my finals.
Which isn’t going to be easy because if
we look at my list of mental illnesses demotivation
and fatigue is a symptom of half all of them.
I decided to delete the YouTube studio app
from my phone so I will stop looking at my
channel performance all the time and stop
myself from making videos before I am ready
again.
I don’t know how long the break will be,
the finals will be over in a month so I’d
say the end of September would be the earliest
date.
But I may just take two or three months off
as well while I am at it.
I really can’t tell right now.
All I can tell is that I just can’t do this
anymore.
It’s just all a bit much right now.
I don’t plan on stopping making videos,
I will just prioritize my mental health for
now so I don’t know when I’ll upload again.
You can just re-watch my old videos in the
meantime I guess, that way my weekly views
wouldn’t go down as much.
But, for what it’s worth, I will still respond
to patreon messages and remain active on discord
as well as reading my comments.
I wish I could tell you that I am available
via twitter and email but I have to admit
I didn’t manage to check my email for the
past 2 weeks.
I’ve not been able to open gmail, that’s
how bad it is.
For some reason I have a mental block of opening
my browser and typing in gmail and reading
the emails.
I...ÄI just can't do it and I don't understand
why.
Well, it's probably the depression or the
Borderline but like, ah, it's just too hard.
Tht's how bad I am doing right now.
But yea, that’s pretty much all I had to
say.
I would like to thank my patrons for donating,
and I would like to apologise to them for,
you know, not uploading.
I feel like I owe my patrons something, like
I have to make videos for them because that’s
what they pay me for.
So, I understand if you want to unpledge if
I don’t upload, it’s fine.
Though, if you do pledge on patreon now and
pledge in the 5$ tier you will still gain
access to the discord, that's done fully automatic
right now.
Uhm, so you can still, like you know get to
know me more personally which is like.
Heh, the main purpose of the discord server
in the last weeks was just me going in voice
chat, while drunk, obviously because I am
an alcoholic, I guess?
Uhm, me going on voice chat and ranting about
my mental health problems.
And people then try to convince me that uhm,
it will all be okay.
So, if you want to take part in that, like
if you want to talk to me personally then
it's uhm.
Idk pay me on patreon.
Uhm, yea, that's all i had to say.
Oh um, because people asked me, know, on patreon
if you donate 5$ once you gain access to the
discord server and you can unpledge and it's
fine.
You can stay on the server.
I don't remove people who unpledge from patreon.
Like if you pay me once that's fine by me,
like that's enough of a payment.
You don't have to give me money every month
to like continue talking to me.
That wouldn't be nice because I befriend most
of the people who are active on the discord
server and then I would like have to remove
them if they don't pay me, that's not how
friendship works.
Uhm, that was a that was a very unscripted
ran right now, I am sorry.
So anyway, I unerstand if my patreons will
unpledge, that's completely fine.
I would like to thank all of my patrons though
and especially: Alki, Darius the Berd, Noah,
Hikaru, Hurdington gurdington, Jenarchist
77, Jiru chan, Joie, Morally Conflicted Tortoise,
Stairmasterchef, Tyler Dang, klarstrup and
trey
