IT IS ME

How I Detached My Past and United Peace Within

Kenqin Zhong

It Is Me

www.itisme2love.com

Copyright © 2018 KENQIN ZHONG

ISBN-13: 978-1726289894

ISBN-10: 1726289893

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced mechanically, electronically, or by any other means, including photocopying, without permission of the publisher or author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. It is illegal to copy this book, post it to a website, or distribute it by any other means without permission from

the publisher or author. Limits of Liability and Disclaimer of Warranty. The author and publisher shall not be liable for your misuse of the enclosed material. This book is strictly for informational and educational purposes only.

Warning – Disclaimer

The purpose of this book is to educate and entertain. The author and/or publisher do not guarantee that anyone following these techniques, suggestions, tips, ideas, or strategies will become successful. The author or publisher shall have neither liability nor responsibility to anyone with respect to any loss or damage caused, or alleged to be caused, directly or

indirectly by the information contained in this book.

Medical Disclaimer

The medical or health information in this book is provided as an information resource only, and is not to be used or relied on for any diagnostic or treatment purposes. This information is not intended to be patient education, does not create any patient-physician relationship, and should not be used as a substitute for professional diagnosis and treatment.

Publisher

10-10-10 Publishing

Markham, ON Canada

Printed in Canada and the United States of America

Table of Contents

Dedication  i

Foreword vii

Acknowledgments ix

My Teaching as a Spiritual Coach  xi

Chapter One: My Daughter Runs Away 1

Chapter Two: The Second Divorce 11

Chapter Three: Self-inquiry 23

Chapter Four: My Childhood 33

Chapter Five: Life in the City 43

Chapter Six: Pregnant in High School 51

Chapter Seven: Escape from My City 65

Chapter Eight: I Meet My Boyfriend 75

Chapter Nine: Living Hell 87

Chapter Ten: I Love Life  99

About the Author 113

I dedicate this book to my three loving and beautiful daughters.

Foreword

The purpose of writing this book is to share my story with you who had similar childhood. Who planted seeds of fear, worry, and insecurity and grew up in a physically and verbally abusive environment. I want to help you to remember your traumas by digging deep to feel it instead of ignoring or force it down. This book is based on my own life experience. A girl is from a conservative Chinese village to the Land of Freedom (America). I hope, by reading this book, you will overcome your fear and speak out your truth. Life is very simple, and you have everything you need in you. I had heard this many times, but I didn't know what it meant. What it really means stop searching. You only can give what you have. If you want love, love yourself; if you want peace, make peace within yourself; if you want happiness, be happy with who you are. Stop searching for something you don't have and be grateful with what you have now. Seeds that were planted in your childhood are stored in your brain, body and waiting for the opportunity to bloom. They don't talk but they react when the moment is right. You live in a busy, high tech society and your mind is full of information and worries. Only when your mind is in peace and your body is sensitive enough to feel the planted seed grow. English is not Kenqin's first language and it has been very difficult for her to write this book. Kenqin encourages you to write your own book and to remember all the negativity and pain

from your past. By doing so you can heal and liberate your soul. IF KENQIN CAN DO IT, YOU CAN DO IT.

Raymond Aaron

New York Times Best Selling Author

Acknowledgments

I thank all my invisible friends and guides (imperfect or perfect, impure or pure, bad or good). Thank you for accompanying me on my life journey set me free to fall, to make all kind of mistakes, and to experience real life. We never gave up.

I know it is odd to thank myself, but I want to be authentic, and this is what I want to say. Without myself, I could not make it happen. Thank you, to myself. I did it. There was so much doubt about my writing skill and education...but I did it.

I thank my friends, George Molina, Russell David, and Alan Siegel, who were encouraging me for writing this book. Barbara Powers, my Book Architect. Specially, thanks to my friend Lewana who went through my editing with me side by side. Thank you and love all of you!

My Teaching as a Spiritual Coach

As you will explore in my writing about my life, how important for us to release from being the slave of the negative energy of our childhood and our past and to move forward as an adult to transform it to positive energy. It is beyond words to express how our body

carries the word of God or our Creator. We are God's Light which means we also are all gods that can create beyond just words as this book has its own words and meaning to those who have the similar experience.

I reach out to everyone to help him or her understand the mind more particular the ego must be destroyed in order for the wholeness of our spiritual journey to be complete. We must look to combine the body, the soul, and spirit to be as one, to continue what our Creator has planned for us to love our surroundings and ourselves in order to love our Creator.

To be one with nature is to be closer to God our creator. To produce and identify nature, through our bodies is to be a creator of God's plan. We have free will, which allows us to make our decisions based on our beliefs system. However, as we know the belief system

is not truly our own thoughts. The world has fed us to control our growth. So it is important for our spiritual body to be set free from what we originally are told and to allow ourselves to explore what we decide that is good for our life experience. In most cases, our word, the light, will be the Will that guide us to provide our three bodies:

physical body, soul, and spirit to become fully united as one. I want my teaching to demonstrate that we can achieve our oneness by love, peace, and harmony at gradual stages of our journey to become pure and perfect positive energy. It has open my eyes to

see that there is no such thing as evil, the devil or darkness, but only light that prevails in different brightness, dim or dimmer. Like yin and yang, the opposites will create balance.

The main parts that I want to teach, is that no matter how people seems dark or negative it is only up to us to give up our power to it by giving meaning to it or how we look at it, which is stemming from our past experience. This will only cause us to react and judge negativity and our life we will be miserable and cause us to suffer on earth and in our spirit world. The more we create suffering; we cannot align with the pure and perfect spirit that cannot live in the moment. Furthermore, I will discuss more of these teaching in my next book "Manifesting Unconditional Self Love: How to Be One with the Creator."

ONE

My Daughter Runs Away

My Daughter Runs away September 2013, went home after work and entered my house. Although I didn't feel that it was home anymore, something was different, something was not right. The floor was clean and neat, everything was organized. I could feel the space was hollow, and the air was frozen. When my eyes glanced at the picture on top of the side table, I noticed my daughter's picture was crossed out with a pen, and only my face and my second ex-husband were clean. I began to shiver like a frightened cat. I didn't know what to do.

My heart was beating like a drum. I screamed my daughter's name, "Yingying, Yingying" while searching every corner of the house. She was nowhere to be found. Tears poured like rain. Where was my phone? I wanted to call her so bad. I lost my phone. Where was my phone? I couldn't stop sobbing. Where was my phone? I searched my bag, my car, and my clothes. I couldn't find it. I finally found my phone on the floor where I had dropped my bag. I called my daughter, but her phone was off. I knew she just moved into a new dormitory at the University of California Irvine, and had a roommate. Call her friend, my mind said. I rifled through her phone book but couldn't find the number I was looking for. However, I found the address of the dormitory. Over the years, we had built a wall between us: a cold wall of misunderstanding and defense. Now was not the time for ruminating. I had to find my daughter. I was so worried. As I drove to the dormitory, tears flowed liked a river, and my heart felt like it would explode.

Angelic, a high school friend of my daughter, opened the door and said she had not seen my daughter, nor received a call. As I looked around the dorm, I found a few of her belongings... a mattress, lamp, blanket, and assorted toiletries...but she was gone. I felt helpless and miserable. I didn't know what to do. I called the police and they said there was nothing they could do. I thought I would die. When I got home, I searched her computer, notebook, and old phone for any kind of clue. Nothing, nothing, and nothing. I had no clue where my daughter was. I was trembling in the corner of my room, crying hard, and could think of nothing but my beautiful and sweet daughter, who is all I have in this world. Suddenly, I remembered I could maybe find something in my email, as we shared it with each other. Why was the computer so slow? It seemed as though everything was against me as it took forever to turn it on. There were no new emails in my email in-box, and I was very disappointed. It seemed that she deleted everything before she left, leaving no evidence at all. I didn't give up searching. Right before I turned off my computer, my intuition told me to check the sent mail, where I found out my daughter was on her way back to China, at midnight today. My first ex-husband and my daughter made this plan. What was this guy doing? I was mad at my first ex-husband; she is safe at least. Realizing my daughter was safe, I felt a little calmer, and my exhausted, weighty body relaxed a bit. There must be a reason why my daughter left me without saying anything. How dare she have this idea? I complained. I had no time and energy looked for the cause now. My concern was to have my daughter stays with me in the U.S., at least to finish her University. She was in her second year of college; two more years, she would be done with her school, and then she could do anything she wanted to.

I had my second ex-husband drive me to the international airport in Los Angeles, without any rejections, although we hadn't had any conversation for the last two years. I knew that he cared about my daughter. I didn't need his sympathy, but I just couldn't be who I was: sad, tired, and crying, with my body still shaking. We were on our way to the airport, and he drove so slowly, but rather than asking him to drive faster, I held my mouth. My heart couldn't wait to see my daughter and have her back with me. Now, my eyes would not stop filling with tears, and my heart was beating fast my mind was already in the airport. I don't know how my physical body, mind worked at that time. I felt that I became two parts: my physical body was in the car, but my mind was in the airport. I gave all my power to my emotions, and allowed them to play to have fun with me. I was amused by my evil friends because I needed them to make me more sorrow. I knew that would be very dangerous, so I was glad that my second ex-husband took me there; otherwise, I wouldn't know what was happening.

It took so, so long to get to the airport, when I did. I ran into the airport and quickly searched for the China Southern airline. I felt such pain inside, but there was no one who could feel my pain. People were very happy, traveling, sharing, talking, who would pay attention to a sad, hurried, nervous, ordinary, plain looking, tired, and typical middle aged Asian woman. Who cared? I had to wait in the line to ask like everyone else. It seemed that nothing resonated with me, and no one would care about my feelings. Who would understand if someone was crying from the pain of worry? Waiting in the line of happy travelers, I wondered why it took so long, or was I just running out of my patience. Half hour had passed; finally, it was my turn. I told the crewmen about my concern, in a voice that was hoarse from crying. I couldn't calm myself, or explain to them well; my body was shaking, and my communication was unclear. My English was not good; neither was my Chinese, after 10 years of living the United States. I told them my daughter's name and the flight number. They were confused, and asked how they could help me. I told them again about my concern without any patience this time. I just wanted to see my daughter, my loving daughter. I wanted to let her know how important she is to me, and get her to change her mind and come back home to stay with me, her mom, who was hurting and crying, and cares. They finally understood what I wanted, and went to look for my daughter.

If my daughter didn't care about me, who would? The answer was no one. The half hour seemed like half a day. Why when I was suffering, did time have to go so slow? At that moment, my eyes were staring at the gate where the passengers were to check in, and I searched for a familiar body, the beautiful and sweet face of my daughter. A man came and talked to me very clear and calmly said that my daughter didn't want to see me. "What? You must be wrong! You're lying!" I claimed. I asked him the same questions, and I got the same answers. My own daughter, who I loved most, said that she didn't want to see me. That was impossible, and I didn't believe it; I told them I needed to go in and to ask her by myself. However, my daughter had already passed the custom security give up. I stayed in front of the customer service table hoping for a miracle to happen. It was hard to believe what they told me. My lovely daughter, the best girl in the world, a great daughter at homes, a good student in school, why??? I didn't know how I left the airport, how I handled what was happening to me. A helpless woman was seeing her daughter ran away from her, I thought I would die. I needed someone by my side to share to cry, but I had no one!

I cried the whole night alone and started thinking about what I had done wrong in my life. Why had my daughter left me? There must be something bothering her that caused her to make such a decision without telling me. She must have been holding it for a very long time, and couldn't take it anymore. Was it my relationship with my second ex-husband? Didn't she feel love in this family? Was it stress from school? Since I went to school, I knew the difficulty for an ESL learner, especially when her major was in science. I barely talked with either my second ex-husband or my daughter. I didn't know what was going on. What did she have in her mind? Did she not like someone who I had met? Did she dislike my attitude toward life?

Am I a victim, a loser, or a bad mother? Who am I? I started to doubt myself. I didn't all my relationships with my ex-husbands, ex-boyfriend, my mother, my father, my brothers, and now with my daughter, my whole family. The only thing I wanted was a family and a simple life, obviously, this was either a simple life or a normal life. There was too much pain, sadness, drama, and suffering, with no love, peace, harmony, happiness, fun, or joy. In my life, I never felt that within my family.

Maybe I was not good enough to have a good family life. All the love that I had for my brothers and daughter became pain. But why? I am just an ordinary woman, like anyone else who wants to love, and to be loved. Why can't I have it? Questions and more questions, comes one after the other. Why did it all happen, and how did I manifest all this into my life? That is not what I wanted. Why me? I don't know anyone else who had a life like mine, and it was not over yet. Am I the only one to have extreme things happened in life? Am I repeating the pattern from my mother? My mother was such a strong, beautiful, intelligent, and tough woman, who I admired the most. All the memories came from my childhood, school, family life and the people who forced me to become who I am today.

I have nothing and nobody around me, while I am thousand miles away from my homeland country, China.

I should have called in sick, but I went back to work the next day. My tiredness, sadness, and my worried face couldn't escape from my manager's eyes. I had worked there for the past three years; our relationship was not merely as co-workers but more like brother and sister. I told him my daughter ran away. I couldn't hold my tears from coming out while he was listening patiently, and my heart was in pain when I spoke of it. He attempted to distract me from focusing my feelings on my daughter, but it just didn't work. There was no space in my heart and my mind for anything except sorrow for my daughter ran away.

At the end of the day, my manager suggested to me go to the Magic Castle with him and his Mastermind friends in LA, just to get away from my current situation. It took me awhile to respond him because I was feeling so low, and I didn't want to go anywhere. He did his best to convince me to go with him, even offering pay for the meal and the ticket, which was very surprising to me because he was such a cheap guy. It opened my eyes, but I wasn't planning to take advantage of him and his kindness. I knew very well, there was no one else could help me but myself! Besides, it wasn't a good time to go out, although I knew it would be safe with my manager and his friends, whom I had previously met. I wasn't looking for a replacement to escape away from my reality. Having faced a lot in my life, I knew that I could deal with it. I just needed time to heal myself, step by step. I was convinced to go to the Magic Castle with my office manager at last, and I did have a good time, with all the magic shows, and the great meal that my manager treated me. It was my first time that I had gone out late night by myself after seven years living in this country.

I had to give credit to my manager, whose name is Chase. He did help me balanced my emotions in this instance. I knew that he cared about me as his sister. I am grateful and thankful for having him be part of my life's journey. He gave me many opportunities to learn and grow that I didn't even recognized. I wasn't ready, or open to learning, while I was very closed-minded and stubborn. This is a characteristic of me, a Taurus, especially since I am Cantonese, I liked being in the comfort zone where I have been taught. What we don't know, we don't know, until you open yourself up to see the whole universe.

Chase always pointed out that I wasn't small like what I thought; then, he would draw a big circle to show me the contrast and compare where I was and where I could be. When my mind was limited, how could I know the meaning of limitless? I had been brainwashed and controlled deeply, came a long way in the past to the present. Chase would consistently teach me something new every time he went out for training or seminars, and I was always asking him for new knowledge that he learned. I was very happy that he was willing to share with me. I worked in the office where by myself most of the time. I wasn't motivated to learn, to think beyond, to create, and to challenge myself. I opened my mind, little by little, like a baby learning how to walk.

Yes, I was lucky to have Chase, as it was shifting a point in my life, through the resources Chase allowed me to access. I was able to discover the world that I didn't know in my previous life, and I am grateful.

The CPA of the company where I worked came to the office to check the books of the company every week, and over time, we became good friends. I was happy when he came, first I had someone could talk to; second, he always taught me something new. The more we got to know each other, the more we cared for one another

as good friends and colleagues. I started sharing my private life with him, which was my family life. By the way, I didn't know that people in the company didn't share their private life. Anyway, I am who I am, and I shared my relationship about my second ex-husband with him. This was the good and bad thing about me, I am a straightforward person, and I share how I feel with others. I was that way since I was a little kid; my friends always said I spoke without going through my thoughts. I would tell everything whatsoever is on my mind.

Chase told the CPA about my daughter running away when he came to the office one day. He said something I would never forget in my whole life: "Who you love the most, who will hurt you the most." My daughter, who is the only one I have and I love, and who hurts me deeply. There was so much to learn in life, I realized. I had to admit that I wasn't born in the environment of reading books. As a result, I only know what I know, and what I know is very limited. Could you imagine the life in the early 70s in the mainland China? We were starving for food; how dare we think of reading a book. My first book was my textbook, not very excited book to read. Lack of knowledge and ignorance in my existence positioned me to become a victim, a loser, and a sufferer.

I felt the sky was dark, the air was frozen, and I had lost my life's direction. My heart was hanging in the middle of nowhere wobbling in the absence of my daughter. I had no idea where I belonged. I was worthless without having my daughter with me. I bought my air-ticket and left for China the following month after my daughter had left.

I requested two weeks' vacation from my manager, Chase, who told me it wouldn't help, but I insisted. While staying in China, I cried every night the first week. My daughter didn't want to see me nor talk to me when I visited her. I didn't want to eat neither seeing anyone. My daughter used to be very proud of having me as her mother because people always thought that we were sisters when we hangout, but now, I was no longer important to her. She didn't even want to look at me, and we became strangers. I was sad and depressed. It was not only my heart, my mind, and my soul that hurt; it was also my body. It hurts me from head to toe, toe to head, inside out and outside in, everywhere in my body, every organ and cell.

I didn't want to go anywhere but stayed at my brother's house. I was scared in the evenings, thus I requested my brother to come home early to stay with me, yet he said there was nothing to be afraid of; so, he left me at home alone in the darkness, I had to face the circumstance and lived with the fear of darkness for the time while I was in China. My sister-in-law and my brother came home late at midnight. I forced myself to be alone with the dread of evening for two weeks, and it made me think of how I had done the same thing to my daughter because of my selfishness. That was where I came from: being selfish. I didn't think about other people's feelings but did according to my own perception.

The last two days in China, my daughter came to see me. I guessed it was her family compelled her to do so, and we went for a walk and shopped in our small little town, where she felt comfortable and secure. We walked from street to street liked before we left China to U.S. I didn't question her why she left, she had the answer within. I can't change anyone but be a good example. I carried my heavy body, confused mind, and sensitive heart came back to the U.S. I was thinking about finding a job in China, so I could stay with my daughter and my family there. However, after six years living in the U.S., I found out that I had fallen in love with the United States of America. There was difference between the U.S. and China, but I didn't know what it was: the people? The environment? The government? The atmosphere? The freedom? Something just wasn't right for me. The spiritual world was new to me at that time; as a result, I was not able to distinguish the contrast.

I disliked many things and people in my life, simply because I disliked myself in many ways; nevertheless, I do like cooking, and I cook my own simple food. I experienced the dining-out lifestyle when I was in China, and I know very well, what healthy food is. I took care of all the housework, as my mother did in all her life, without a break. I was shocked when the CPA told me that he did all the cooking, all the cleaning and housework. I asked if that was the truth, and he told me he always did that. I told him it was the opposite for me that I did everything at home. I was surprised that he told me that I was not my second ex-husband's house cleaner. Well, I thought that was my job at home. Yes, I allowed that to happen, because that was where I came from, and what I had been doing for the past seven years, without any complaints, or any breaks. I didn't work for the first two years when I came to the U.S. As a result, I would have felt bad if I had done nothing but eat and sleep while my second ex-husband was working hard to support the family. The time when I got a job, it became a habit, and taking care of the family became part of me. The food would be on the table, regardless if I was tired, sick, or unhappy. I thought it was okay; we were a family, and he paid all the bills. I knew the fact that he worked very hard to maintain the family. What wasn't okay was that I had been doing everything for the last 7 years, and it was like being a robot without a word. Sometimes I washed dishes late night at 10 p.m., after I had come back from my night class; By the way, I never used the dishwasher whether it was because I didn't know how to use it, or my second ex-husband didn't want me to use, it didn't matter anymore.

I have no idea how Americans' life are compared to mine, with grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundering, putting food on the table, making breakfast, and preparing the next day's lunch and dinner. I assumed every woman did the same. I liked to cook every single day to have fresh food. It was very hard to stop what I have been doing in the past seven years and I continue repeating the same routine, during two years when my second ex-husband and I didn't have any conversation. I kept doing the same pattern, right up until the time when we started the divorce paperwork. I wanted to stop doing that, but I felt so bad and guilty just having that thought, especially to prepare his breakfast. I got up early at 5:30 a.m., because he liked to go to work early to avoid the traffic. I usually went back to bed after putting his breakfast on the table and his lunch packed in his lunch bag. I felt so guilty if I didn't do that. When the routine becomes a habit, it becomes part of us. Habit is the second nature of humanity, to change the habit means to step out from the comfort zone.

I asked myself why I was full of guilt and shame with my second ex-husband. Did I owe him? I don't, I answered to myself. I did my best. Nevertheless, why and how? I had difficulty figuring it out. How had it happened? I got a response to my inquiry from within each time. I conditioned myself with the belief system that I had in my mind, which I had carried from the past for many years. I gave permission to my second ex-husband to take advantage of me: if I didn't say anything against how he was reacting toward me, it meant I agreed or accepted his attitude or manner. I was assuming that everyone who thinks liked me would feel bad or sorry for certain behaviors. That made it acceptable.

TWO

The Second Divorce

"Okay, let's sit down and make some agreements." I got a text message from my second ex-husband very soon after I texted him. I told him that I couldn't continue our relationship anymore. It was a very big decision that I have made actively to divorce my second ex-husband instead of passively. I was a passive person, I feel sorry and bad for anything and everyone. The divorce looks peaceful and calm but it did take big courage to think of and take action. We both knew that was the result of our marriage. It had been a nine-year marriage, we didn't have any communication for the past three years, living in a small apartment where we could see face-to-face every day, but living with a dead person. We were both freezing individually, and I couldn't take anymore.

I manifested my divorce and I acted finally. It took me a year to start thinking about divorce, and two more years, over and over, to make this decision. I was so tired of living with death, tired of being ignored, tired of no communication. I positioned myself in the middle of nowhere. I was afraid to move on, lack of self-esteem, fear of changes and unknowing, and worried about the future. I had no family or close friends in the state. My only daughter had left me, for this reason, it helped me make my decision without any holding back. I hesitated about my divorce, because I didn't know what I wanted in my life, or maybe I never knew what I wanted; I was frightened to think of it. I liked being in my comfort zone, where I felt safe and secure about my life. My second ex-husband knew very well that family was very important to me; I didn't dare to have a thought in my divorce, and was fearful to think of it. However, when things manifested to the point of where you can't hold on anymore, and your mind tells you that you've had enough, when one toxin glass of water is full it spills all over. There is no hope, no light, no love, and no caring, when the burning desire within of being free of shackle is stronger than everything else, your body acts without thinking of fears and any obstacles.

I wondered why I would want someone like him in my life. I only want to spend my life with someone who would be willing to care about me and love me. I want to live a life fully of my existence instead of exist for living.

The environment where I had grown up stuffed me full of guilt and shame about myself, and it did take great boldness to start thinking about divorcing my second ex-husband. It actually came from a thought, the will of setting me free rather than being frozen and I started talking about it with my manager in the office. Three years passed by before I had generated enough energy to act on it. I still don't know how it happened, or how I made it. I did anyway!

He would be alone if I left him. How could I do that to him?

He was my husband; we were supposed to live together forever and take care of each other until we are old and die, that was the thought I had when I married him. Feeling guilt for breaking the promise that I had made for myself because I believe in LOVE, and love is forever; however, I didn't know that the universe, the people, and every living existence is changing every second, nothing and no one is permanent. Why did I think about him? Has he ever thought about that I left my family, relatives, friends, and my country behind, and came to this unknown country because of him with totally trust in him? Who really knows how I felt, and the reality that I faced? It was to the point where I didn't care about anything or anyone but myself. We don't live for the past and the future but now, although our past, now, and future is connected. The past had us become who we are today, and now will have us become who will be in the tomorrow. Now is not only the past but also the future! Without make peace from the past, we won't be able to living in the moment.

There were too many doubts and questions in my mind. I was over-thinking and found too many excuses for keeping my marriage. I didn't have to worry about the bills, the rent, the food, health insurance, or all the other expenses, but I didn't realize I had lost the most valuable element in my life, which is freedom, mental freedom or invisible freedom. I wouldn't able to be free to think living under a dead environment. If I were never free, I would not know what freedom is. Why do I need freedom? How can I be free? What is the benefit of being free? How does it feel? I was limited by what I know and didn't believe what I didn't know. As I grew up in China, the strong brainwashing system had me unaware that I wasn't free. My life in China was okay before all the dramas were created. There was no thought of seeking freedom because I thought I was free. I did what I wanted; I could go anywhere I wanted to go, and I ate whatever I wanted to (Cantonese food is delicious, I admit)...

I was such a hometown girl, who didn't like going out of town, liked being in the same circle, and I thought that was how life was supposed to be. I was afraid of changing; I didn't have the chance to live and to know the outside world. Why was I scared? What had me feel so insecure? Unfortunately, I wasn't able to think outside of the box. I love my country where I was raised with least material of living. I don't know much about China, besides the fact that I speak Hakka, Cantonese, and Mandarin. The history, the culture, and the traditions are far away from me, yet I inherited that from the environment unconsciously. I am very fortunate having the opportunity to come to the United States of America and experience what others have not.

In the past three years, I went through depression, insomnia, and anxiety, of which I had to ask for help from my doctor because I didn't know what to do, how to deal with my current situation. I felt helpless and was crying at night. I got medication for depression and was recommended to see a psychologist. As I had grown up in China, I was procrastinating about using western medicine, especially after repeatedly hearing about all the medication side effects and my experience about medication. When I went to pick up my medication, and I asked the pharmacist what was the side effects were taking the depression medication, the answer was that once I started taking the medication, I couldn't stop in the middle. I asked why, and they said that if I stopped the medication in the middle, the symptoms would get worse. I questioned myself what kind of medicine was. I picked up my medication without thinking and looking at it, and I threw it away to the trash can when I got home. I never made the appointment to see the psychologist; I knew there was no one could help me, but myself. I know myself better than anyone does. Instead, I started practicing yoga every night, and listened to a lullaby help with my sleep. I drank all kinds of tea that claimed to help with sleeping. I abused my physical body to have my muscles sore and tired by practicing yoga every night, so I could fall asleep. It didn't help in the beginning, but I kept doing it. My muscles were very sore in the first three months of practicing yoga, and I was sweating every night. I was feeling better. I wasn't a person with patience. However, I kept doing it every single night, nonstop, for two years. The desire of well-being within awakens me.

To avoid staying home with my second ex-husband, I decided to take some dance classes. I needed to get out from his house, as I didn't meet many friends, and my social life was narrow, besides my second ex-husband and my daughter, and my work, I wanted to go to the church in the beginning when I came to the U.S., but second ex-my husband didn't like it because of his experience with his ex-wife. He carries his past with him and let them plague his life. He compared me with his ex-wife and worried the same thing would happen to him again. I did start making friends; however, since I was cheated on in my past two relationships, I hated myself for meeting male friends while I was still in my marriage. I didn't like that, so the desire of divorce was getting stronger. At that point, I just wanted to set myself free; there was nothing else I wanted from him.

Two weeks later, I got a letter from my second ex-husband's lawyer, and it had me very surprised, mad, and confused. I just wanted to set myself free from my marriage. That was what I wanted; however, things had changed a bit, which benefited me very much. So, I decided to do what he wanted in accordance with the law in California. I had friends and my manager, who were offering lawyers for me to file my divorce to protect myself and to make sure I would get what I should. Nevertheless, I didn't want to make it a big deal. If we can be in peace, why would I want to create a war? Fighting would've been a waste of my energy for nothing. It is a choice.

As he was going to be my second ex-husband, there was no reason to fight; that was the idea I had in mind. I wouldn't have anyone, who I didn't know at all, go against him; at least I know that he is a nice and honest person, although our relationship didn't work out the way we expected. In the beginning, I just wanted to be free from a dying marriage and had no other intention for my divorce. Since I had guilt and shame for having the thought of divorce, and I told him about that. After I got the letter from his lawyer, things changed right away, and I had the excuse to follow the law. Right away, my circumstance changed for my benefit. Finally, we ended our nine years of marriage in one year, which was very fast compared to many other divorce cases. I only wanted the peace and freedom; we are not enemies, just not the right couple. Without looking back with any regrets, I just felt free and light, despite of not knowing where to go and where life would lead me to, or how it would be.

Unknowing the life ahead didn't stop me from setting myself free. Luckily, I got some of his savings, and the alimony according to the law, without any expectation. I am happy with what I got. I couldn't hold anymore where my life standing for, even though this was the only thing I didn't want to happen, as I had already had one failed marriage previously, and one relationship with my ex-boyfriend, with whom I have two daughters without being married. When at the point a human being can't take it anymore, fear vanished, and you act bravely. When you are wholly surrounded in the darkness physically and emotionally, where there is too much negative energy it searched for positive energy to balance your body and mind. By the way, I am a very healthy person, at least physically. The power within our human body has unexplained power, which I didn't realize.

My second ex-husband and I met online back in 2004 through my job. My second ex-husband was on his sick leave for his jaw surgery for two weeks and that was how he had the time to be in front of the computer and have a conversation with me. He worked as an engineer in an electric company, and he had got divorced not long ago. He had been in the U.S. for 25 years. He was born in Spain, moved to Venezuela, and then to the United States. I felt very comfortable when I had conversation with him, being who I was. I shared my story and my life experience with him, along with everything that had happened in my life, my pain, my suffering, and what I wanted. He liked Chinese culture and history a lot. I told him that family was the only thing I was looking for, and it seemed he liked the family life as well.

Before meeting my second ex-husband, I isolated myself after I ended my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I didn't want to mention him and my other two daughters to anyone, particularly people who I know. I had left my city for years and had nothing to talk about, mostly of my friends liked playing Mahjong (Chinese gamble) every night going to beauty salons, going shopping, eating out, night club karaoke, and saunas, and I had no interest of doing those things. I don't drink nor smoke, maybe I have too many troubles to deal with in life. I put my friends aside. I was nearly back to a normal life after having gone through the most grievous incident. I had a very difficult time getting through everything, then I met my second ex-husband, and there was a new beginning. I thought. I was in my early thirties, and still very young; we no longer worked hard as my mother's generation did. Life was getting easier than the old days; additionally, we have spare time to take care of ourselves. People thought I was 19 years old. However, in that situation, I didn't pay attention to my appearance while I had to face the reality, young and beauty didn't exist to me rather than appreciated what I had, who I was, I searched something I was lacking.

After a few months of conversation via email, exchanging pictures, plus conversation by phone, we decided to meet. He was 52, and I was 31, twenty-one year's difference. My mind was filled with insecurities, and I hungered for stability. I didn't concern the gap of our age while I was crying for securities. How could I attract security if I were insecure? I wished I knew the law of attraction early so that I could attract someone better. Power attracts power, health attracts health, and life attracts life. He looked much younger than his age in the picture. He loves traveling, and for this reason, his decision was made fast to come see me. We spent time together while he visited China, during that period. I took him to the museum, the parks, the temples, tried many different Chinese foods, and went to massage, to Hong Kong, Macau. We did have good times, although I forgot what happiness was, having the mentality of looking for security and stability, and someone who I could trust and rely on. It was my first time I had an orgasm in a physical relationship. Although I had been married once, and a five-year relationship with an ex-boyfriend, I had never had that feeling. My first ex-husband and ex-boyfriend didn't care about my feeling at all but their own interests. Why was I in a relationship if I wasn't happy?

I was uneasy living in my city, not because I didn't like my town, in as much as my past intolerance of myself. I didn't accept myself bravely, and I chose to escape from my reality to a place where nobody knew me. I had no stamina to worry about what was waiting for me ahead but got away from the situation that I faced. No one would like to have a woman like me, with my past, I told myself. I assumed people would judge me, laugh at me, or gossip about me. It could be no more than my perception, nonetheless that was uttered in my head. I focus on what and how others think of me instead of accepting who I was. I informed myself that I created this illusion and made up my own story, according to what was in my head. Each one is busy in their own life, notwithstanding what they said, it was none of their business. It was my life and I had entirely control of it. I learned from my past for all that the life price that I have paid, the time and energy that I involved in my life. It is never too late to learn from our past, and that is who and why we become! Our past is the investment of our present and future.

My second ex-husband went back to the U.S., after a few more months of deep conversations, we made up our mind to get married. It was very simple, with all his documents from the U.S. We took some pictures for marriage identification and registered, and that was it. Keep it simple! While I was waiting for the American visa, my second ex-husband traveled back and forth China and the United States. We took my mother and my daughter to Hong Kong and Beijing. My mother did have a very good time with us, since it was my mother's first time flying and visiting the capital city of China, Beijing. She was very excited. Owing to the fact my past two relationships didn't work out well, I placed on all my energy and time to pleasing people who didn't value about me, alternatively considered my family and myself.

I understood what I have created in my life. It is all about l controlling and insecurity. I came from a place where I was controlled; hence I searched to be controlled, by allowing what happened to me, and I controlled my daughter. I gave it out to my daughter, which I received from my past. Once you are in the condition of controlling and being controlled, when you get used to it, it becomes part of you, and you didn't know what you were doing and why things happened the way that you didn't want. That was why my daughter ran away from my control but I didn't know why. We are giving out by what we received.

I moved to the United States of America in February of 2007 and my daughter came after half year. When I had my visa coming to the U.S., one of my friends in New York City said that I could go to live with her, and abandoned my second ex-husband and never see him again. I didn't know what was in my friend's head, but I didn't pay attention to her words nor listen to her. I could play anything nevertheless with my feeling. I couldn't afford to play such game dishonest to myself and others. I am very serious when comes to relationship. I know I am not good at that. That is the reason I remain single. Nothing has changed me after three year's spiritual journey, on the other hands, I am more aware of the energy surround me. We don't change who we are but know who we are and change how we look at the world and react to the world.

I worked in a fast-food restaurant inside Disneyland the Theme Park Anaheim, California. I loved it in the beginning because I didn't see people around in the U.S. as I did in China, besides; I was very tired; I was not used to standing for 8 hours per day. I started having urine tract infections every month it perhaps my body changed, hence I had to take antibiotic. I didn't have time, or I didn't make time to think of why and how it happened. I had no a second thought but followed my doctor's advice, which I took many different types of antibiotic. My body became very weak. My second ex-husband was complaining that he had to spend his day off taking me to my doctor's office, and he missed his coffee time at his favorite place, McDonald's. I had hard time to convince myself if he cared about me at all. He was "my husband" the only one I had in this country if he didn't help me, who would? To stand for one and other, no? When he was sick, or just caught a cold, he stayed in bed for a whole week, with hot tea, chicken soup, and all the care that I provided, without any complaints. I started missing my life in China; the truth was; I knew I had to move on. I stopped working in Disneyland when my daughter came to U.S. I walked my daughter to her school every day for the first year, until I got my driver's license. We had a very simple family life that I was looking for before: dinner together; going to the beach together; going to the library together every weekend; going to McDonald's together... Keep doing the same thing constantly for the past seven years.

Since I didn't know what I wanted, what I liked to do, or where I liked to go, I did whatever my second ex-husband liked, and it was all okay to me. We did have some good times together, no fighting and no arguments, just peacefulness. During those years, life was good here; however, my brother got into trouble and ended up in jail. My mother was very sick mentally, from my brother's behavior. Mother was the only one who took care of my daughter in the past many years; they had very closed relationship, when I applied my daughter to the U.S. without my mother coming with her. Being apart with my daughter, emotion and mental overwhelming with my brothers and me. My dear mother committed suicide in the year 2011, when we were planning to visit China. Although I know my mother forgave what I had done to her, I couldn't forgive myself, for too many reasons. In the end, I chose to forgive myself because I know Mother is always with me when I think of her. I even talk to her sometimes, and tell her how much I love her and miss her. I pray for her and send good spirits to guide her, help her, protect her, and to love her in her journey on the other side of the realm. I can't comprehend what she was going through when she ended her life. We have no right to end

our physical existence, in spite that it is our body, and we all have appointed divine executive jobs in this lifetime. I learned this during my journey. My brother didn't want our friends and family members knew that mother was suicidal; it was considered not a good thing. I have to admit that my brothers and I are responsible for my mother's death, even though mother was the one who took action. The invisible negative energy my mother took in was stronger than wanting to be alive. In this point of my life, I can't lie to myself, or to friends and family, but I can ask for mother's forgiveness. When mother was alive, my plan to bring her with me didn't work out on account that I didn't believe I could make it happen. Rather than believing in myself, I relied on others.

My second ex-husband was insecure in our marriage: if there was insecurity, there must have been fear; if there was fear, he would start worrying; and he did his best to protect himself from not being hurt. So, his mind only thought of how to protect himself in a better way, at the same time, he also was searching for clues from me to support his doubt. By assuming what I did, my reaction, come alone with my resistance, he made up his stories or illusion in his mind that I would leave him one day. Well, he created his thought and manifested it, as we lived in the same house and saw each other every day. It happened, eventually; in as much as focusing his energy worrying about his future, my second ex-husband not only ignored the present moment but also well disregarded my existence, over and above center himself. Be aware of what is in your mind, we manifesting things in absence of knowing it, like sickness.

THREE

Self-Inquiry

I was told that I must move out of where I had been living for the last seven years in two months. I had no concept of how I was going to make it. Deprived of no any clues, I started searching rentals online. It wasn't hard to find my place. Living alone in this country was a challenge to me, as I am a person who fears of dangers, dying, being alone, and being in the darkness. Certainly, I did what I needed to do. I had packed all of my belongings; I didn't have many things but myself. I was very lucky that I found a little studio where I rented from a Vietnamese family located one block away from where I used to live; I didn't go that far, merely liked moving next door. I had all I needed: a bed where I could rest when I was tired; a tiny kitchen to cook healthy food to nurture my physical body when I was hungry; a bathroom to have myself clean; and a parking space for my car. I set up everything by myself without any struggle. I was proud of myself!

It isn't the best, no more than what I have all I needed. It is a warm, tiny, and clean place where I could stay. A simple, wooden twine bed; my yoga mat; a computer...I ended up with a book case, which I have never had before in my life; some family pictures; some books, although I don't read books (it simply created a good atmosphere); and my lovely plants, which are like my friends and family who I have all the time. I am grateful having a place to live, accompanied by a lovely, happy, and sweet family. My beautiful, hospitality, and amazing landlord, a loving Vietnamese lady who offered me her home made delicious Vietnamese food all the time, and permits me free access to her garden in the backyard. I love her organic fresh fruits and fresh grown Aloe Vera. Her loving and caring heart penetrated the whole house. I am grateful.

A year I got divorced, I left my job where I had worked for the past three and half years. I thought I would work there forever; I got used to be taken care of by my lovely brothers for those years. In fact, they are my brothers. I didn't get such attention by my bio brothers since they had me worried all the time. They are my family to me. They would help me with anything if I asked for: one of the brothers would help me to upgrade my car and order stuff for me. I felt safe, secure, and comfortable with them. I was at the point of wanting to grow and expand myself but shortage of any clues and pieces of knowledge. I knew I could do much more than where I worked 8 hours a day in an office, not being paid what I expected, and working with my full heart.

Living a life in a circle where I had myself sightless. I made up too many excuses not to move forward or to have a change, although my manager, where I had worked before, had provided me a lot of online courses, and seminars. My mind was conditioned by all my life experience and knowledge; my manager was trying to uplift me as much as he could. I didn't realize that it was a very good opportunity to improve and develop myself; however, what I don't know, I don't know. It is a working process; the problem is we all want to succeed quickly. Society teaches us to want everything fast, which is against the nature. If we don't get what we cried out for a short period of time, we lose trust in ourselves, and look for solutions from the outside world. The law of nature is gradual. When I was stuck in the circumstances, where I didn't have a space open for anything, because my space filled up with negative thoughts and the knowledge that I gained from my life experience, I was not able to receive anything before I cleared the negative energy out of me. We are brainwashed that we need to pay higher price for getting what we want. That is a trick in life, and that is how industries survive and how society works. If we get things free, we won't be appreciated; so, we love to pay the high price to learn, although we all can learn from ourselves. We are afraid to face and accept who we are. That is a belief system that the society created for us to follow and take over our power. Once we believe what others believe, we don't think but follow, and we give our power away; once we give our power away, we feel empty, and keep taking things in from outside and believing others. It is like a cycle that never ends. We are what we believe.

Life in this point, I was very skeptical about the outside world, time by time, I saw my manager had slowly changed in every area of his life, especially his attitude toward me and his brother. He told me many times, and even though they are very high priced, I still didn't take advantage of it of his offered until he introduced me to T Ro. I didn't hesitate, and was willing to attend his coming event "Unleash You..." in LA, in October of 2015. I didn't know much about him before I decided on his three and half days training, and it cost me about $1,000, including the hotel. I had no idea where my courage came from: I went from someone who wasn't willing to spend 10 dollar for shoes, to now investing about $1,000 for a three and a half day's event. I thought my mind would explode before attending the T Ro event.

At the same time, my manager gave me the permission to attend one of the similar events, in Anaheim. I had resigned from my job, and he was being nice to me so that I would consider staying and working for him, as I took care of everything in the office of the company, and he trusted me. I had the privilege of having one day off, which he never usually permitted me to have, and I was excited to experience how the outside world would be. It is very important to take sometimes for personal development, make time for it instead of waiting when time comes. My manager reminded me, time after time, not to waste any of my money on any program they provided; they only want to sell their packages. I was not interested in what he said; in the contrast, I was confused why he purchased and attended plenty of events. Everything was new to me, three days event had gone very fast, and I had lot of fun with the music and dance. It was even more excited that I got two iPads from the raffle that I shared one with the woman who failed to win one. I told myself, if I won two, I would share one with her, and I did. I couldn't believe I got two winning raffles, which broke my belief system that good luck wasn't for me. It was a miracle. Today, I have the excuse to accept the reality that I am the winner of my life, not only of raffles but also of everything. They did promote many things to us, as Chase said. I was interested in one of the realestate programs, which cost about $2,000.

I was eager to make money quickly, as they promised. The way they described looked very fast and easy to make money in this field, before investigated anything I purchased it without blinking my eyes. In the end, they promoted one program, and they were including a couple of training covered the real estate, I thought, why I didn't just buy the full package so I had would have learn more? It would cost about $9,000 total. I had no clue what happened to me had the nerve to think of buying this package. I was hypnotized and brainwashed by the speaker in that moment.

I went to the Real Estate Intensive Training two weeks later. It looked like a fraud: first, they wanted the finance info and credit status from everyone. I was confused about the requirements because I didn't know their motive behind it. I paid learning, not to give out my personal financial information. My second ex-husband had always indoctrinated me never to give my information, especially financial to others. I was not willing to, but everyone was busy working on their forms, giving out their personal statute. I knew something was not right by doing that; I could feel it. Despite the fact that my gut told me not to do so, I did it with uncomfortable feeling. They were thirsty for money as me, they taught some basic Real Estate course which you can learn from anywhere else, and ultimately, they pushed us to buy their $20,000 program. I was the luckiest one: I was hunger to have their program as they illustrated how easy to make money back, at the same time they didn't allow me to combine their package with my friend liked what others did. It was strange. I was very disappointed, and then I found out the reason why they didn't allow me to share one package with my friend. Because I could afford to buy the full package according to my credit and financial situation, that was why they didn't let me to combine with my friend. They wanted to swallow me, but my intuition told me not to buy it. $20,000 dollars; that was a lot of money to me, to many others.

How could I believe someone in the opinion of what he said? I gave up my desire of purchasing their package, which I was very grateful. People who purchased were wasting thousands of dollars, plus their time and energy. There were not many successful cases, as I know. I am glad I was able to listen to myself, at least that time. Nothing comes fast unless we manifest it. What a fraud! I didn't invest any money after attending the real estate training, nor learning whereas English is not my first language I didn't understand what they were talking about. Waste of money. I wanted to cry. So much money invested, I told myself. What could I do to get my money back? I was very disappointed with the real estate program; it had me thinking about canceling my purchase. I called and sent emails to the company regarding my complaints; and talked to the CEO of the company, when I was at one of their events in San Diego, Southern California. I also called the bank claimed to dispute it, none of this worked because I paid in full when I purchased it. I had an old Chinese mind. I paid it in full; what a dumb act, I told myself. Finally, I abandoned my thoughts of canceling, and continued growing with them. I hoped I could learn something from the high-priced program that I should never have invested. At least, for my personal development I thought.

T Ro's event was very motivating; his energy penetrated everywhere in the Los Angeles Convention Center. I don't remember how many people there were from all over the world, but my feet were so sore. I couldn't stop dancing from his high energy and the passion from the entire crowd. It was a very amazing event, and the positive energy has affected me ever since. However, the real transformation is from within; otherwise, we wouldn't be able to find ourselves.

Life is changing after one year of being divorced and have left my job. Three years of no conversation with my second ex-husband, or where I worked; I was by myself all the time. I was alone at home and at work, time after time, I didn't want to go out and talk to people like I used to. I am a very outgoing person, my environment had changed me, and I became someone who I hadn't known. I started my personal development, self-learning, self-love, and self-discovering for the past three full years. Until now, I loved being by myself and surrounded by the nature. I spent a lot of time at the beach where I could work out, do yoga, and breathe fresh air, to think, and to meditate...I didn't want to think of anything, anyone but myself. I have nobody physically with me (I do have two closed spiritual friends), but I am happy, very happy. I thought life was all about family and work, but I had no idea how it could be. How could I be so happy without anyone?

I opened myself up through attending training slowly. I was very skeptic in the beginning, though I learned every time I showed up. I gained trust and confident in myself. I got a chance to know many other speakers and learned from their experience. The most significant retreat I signed up for was "Soul Over Matter". Three days' retreat in San Diego, California, my awakening was from there. It showed me that I was on the path I had been seeking for a very long time, yet I hadn't known about it. Since then, I unlocked my belief system from the past and it leaded me to my spiritual journey. I was dying to set myself free from the shackles of my past, the outside world, the voice, and the negative physical reactions. Yes, it was overwhelmed with pain, and yes, I am ready to transform my life.

While I was sitting on a rock at the beach one day, an idea of writing a book came crossing my mind. Within a week, I signed up a book-writing program in one of the seminars. Writing a book was a dream above a dream to me. I was not growing up in the environment where books around, no way I could smell them. I was neither nurturing by the stories nor the knowledge in my childhood. Now, writing a book became a reality. A girl who barely read books in her life, now is thinking about writing a book regarding her life? That didn't sound real, must be a joke. My memories reminded me that I had only read a few books in my past forty plus years: two or three romance novels in my teenage years. A few books I read in the U.S., one called, My German Soldier, and one other book, The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz, which really changed my way of thinking and my perception about life.

No one supports me for writing a book. "Be realistic," my friends and family said. I know where they came from; it was not easy to have them to understand my thoughts when they were not in the position where I was. Yes, they wanted me to do what they do in the opinion of their life experience, though it was my life. I am the one, only one who has the power to it, so I had myself to stay away from them. I disconnected them in my life while I was on my journey, so that I could move on without any barriers. I love myself enough to leave all my family and friends behind, and didn't allow myself to take anything that didn't serve me any good in any way under any circumstance, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I was hesitant to embark on writing my book, baby step, was what I needed to take.

It took me more than a year of the feeling writing my book, half year putting in my ideas into notebook; eventually I started writing the first chapter. I thought it required more my experience, wisdom, or information, till one day I told myself I had plenty of life stories put in writing. Start writing and stop thinking, I ordered myself! My voice came back and forth, reminding me that I was good for nothing but creating dramas. I was living in the shadow of my ex-boyfriend for many years, but I was ready to be free from his influence. Currently, I am in the third chapter of my book. The habit of over thinking stopped me from growing. Rather than listen to my true self, I followed others instead of experiencing my life, and I imitated others. Who am I? A manufactured product? The steel leader, Audrey Carnegie, said, "When people over think, it is the same as letting the weeds overtake the nutrition of the soil, water, and the sun from the roses or other trees that grow fruit." When there were distractions, confusion, and misunderstandings, it kept me away from risk taking. Self-doubt is the human nature. My fear of knowing and worried about the unknowing kept me away from trying new things and the unseen potential that I carry.

Everyone is a little world; we own it and we are the master of this little world. There is no way we could tell good from bad, or right from wrong, without our own experience, and everyone's understanding is different, and based on their physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual stage. All things that happened come along with a motive, the negative immersed with positive, and the positive penetrating negative, one can't exist without the other. I would not know what was good if I didn't take a closer look and see beyond the facts. I had preferred assuming my first personal image, submissive, to scare myself off the feeling of being hurt or in danger. What I don't know, I don't know.

One day, I took Charles, my landlord's dog, to the beach. It was his first time at the beach, and he was very nervous when he heard the sound of the waves. He turned his head, barked, and started heading back; at the same time, I held him, calmed him down, and made him feel safe so that we could go down to the sand; however, he wouldn't go in the water or the sand to enjoy the ocean like many other dogs did. It was out of his comfort zone where he was frightening of the ocean, the unknowing area. He preferred to stay at home where he felt safe and secure rather than in the beach. What he doesn't know he doesn't know.

Once, my training held in Sierra Madre, California, and I stayed in Glendale. I drove around at lunchtime, and headed in the direction to the mountains where I wanted to have a short hike. I went through many houses on the hill. I was always wondering why people liked living on the hill, and I truly comprehend now: such a beautiful community, quiet, peaceful, empty, and fresh...not merely many trees together with beautiful views, space, and flowers, immersing in nature of the Mother Earth, but also the celestial realm. If I hadn't gone to visit those places, I wouldn't have ever found out the reason why people like living on the hill, especially up hills. My background had me living in the same life style, it limited me go any further, repeating the same thing over the days, the weeks, the months, and all those years. I didn't care at that time because I didn't want to get hurt, to feel pain, or to feel uncomfortable. On the other hand, my brain was too busy, with no space to even think of trying, neither knowing that I could have tried. All these things make me question myself about where I came from and why I became, so I search for the answers as I explored my past in the remaining chapters.

FOUR

My Childhood

I was born in the moon calendar, May 20, 1973, at the end of Taurus, and at the beginning of Gemini (Chinese calendar, April 3rd, 1973), in the main land, Guangdong, South of China, where there was a small Hakka (guest families) village. According to the history, Hakka people originate from the lands bordering the Yellow River. Unlike other Han Chinese groups, the Hakka are not named after a usually identified with people who speak the Hakka language, or share at least some Hakka ancestry. In a series of migrations, the Hakka moved and settled in our present areas in Southern China, and from there, substantial numbers migrated overseas to various countries throughout the world. It was a poor and underdeveloped small village, with lack of education, information, awareness, and resources; however, people were very friendly, nice, and easy going in this small community. In the age when I was born, there were no communication tools, like TV, radio, and newspaper. The only information we got was from no further than our neighboring village, a small town in the center, where the news and gossip went around. I didn't see my father very often, as he worked in the city, and he barely came home. My mother worked in the field all day, as we lived in a communist country where we shared the field, mainly the rice. There must be a family member working in the field, preparing the dirt, planting and collecting the rice, in the field like teamwork. My mother had to work in the field from the morning to the evening and took care of my two brothers and me. I didn't know how she made it.

Most families had the elders took care of their grandkids, but my grandma was sick; she was not able to take care of us. There was a tradition in China: when the grandparents got older, they were divided to their sons, and their sons took care of them. The reason the old generation Chinese family wanted boys only because they could have taken care of by their sons, girls could marry and leave home. If they were young and healthy, they would help their kids take care of the housework and grandkids. The grandparents, in the old days, had no money, no savings, no retirement, no social security, and no medical insurance, they had nothing, but an old, sick, and heavy body with full of bitter memories and worries. They were left with weighted shell after having worked very hard under the sun for their whole lives in the field. Some of them had to live alone in a very small place inside the house, mostly because their daughter-in-law didn't want to take care of them. Their children were the only assets for their whole life. As a result, the only hope for parents who were farmers was to have their kids educated well, so that they would have a better life when they got old. My father and one of my uncles were in the army. People who joined the army would get a job when the army period was over, so my father got a job in the city after he left the army.

My father was the oldest son, so he had my grandma live with us, and my mother took care of her. My grandma died at her age of 50 something before I was born, which was the normal age of dying in the old days China because of lack of nutrition, medication, the concept of health, and the fact that they had a low immune system from lack of education of wellness. They didn't know better, so they accepted of dying early. I remember there was only one doctor in the whole town, for many villages. I didn't visit that doctor very often in my childhood. I was very healthy little girl although only eating rice and vegetable, meats only available in the festival. In those days, if someone was older than 60, they would have a big party to celebrate their longevity.

I didn't have any memories about my grandma, but I was lucky had a snap shot memory with my grandpa, who lived with my uncle and aunt, and it is very clear, even now. I was very happy, and standing beside the door of our house, facing my grandpa. While I passing the door entered my room, I saw my grandpa had a sugar cane in his hand. He was smiling, very kind, and merciful asked me if I wanted to have some. My eyes were staring at the sugar cane in my grandpa's hand. At the age of three or four years old, I had nothing to eat like sugar cane. My mother didn't have a good relationship with my aunt, either with my grandpa, because they were together. My mouth was watering, and my eyes didn't leave that piece of sugar cane. When I almost had gotten the sugar cane, a neighbor, who had a good relationship with my mother, was passing by, looked at me very angrily, and said: "You dared to take that sugar cane! I would tell your mother and she would beat you." I looked at her ugly face and looked at my grandpa. My desire of wanting that sugar cane had me watering, but I was also scared that this neighbor would tell my mother about me, and my mother would beat me as I had seen her beat my brothers many times. I was scared and took my hand back. That was the only memory I had of my grandpa, and it will remain in me forever. I have a gift that I received from my grandpa, which is my name. In the old days in China, the grandparents gave our names, mine included. When I became an American citizen, I didn't change my name because that is the only gift I got from my grandpa, and the only way I could remember him. I know he is with me everywhere I go.

I didn't know why I was so scared of my neighbor; I was just a little girl. Mother was always busy in the field, cooking or cleaning. We didn't have time to talk or communicate because she was running here and there. When it was night, mother was tired and fell asleep fast. Lack of communication built a wall, a cold wall between my family, everyone, and me.

There was one night in my childhood, in the summer, with my mother. My mother was sitting outside stitching some of the old clothing at night. I got close to my mother, which I couldn't do very often. I liked to be loved, and felt my mother's love, but I thought I was bothering her. She wanted me to go to bed. She said it was late, and I had better go to bed; otherwise, the wolves would come to eat me, and she said the wolves only ate little girls. I wanted to stay with my mother, but I also worried the wolves would come to eat me, so I went to bed fast, with fear of the wolves would come to eat me if I stayed with my mother. The seed of fear was planned in such a way.

I remember, I would always have asked my grandmother to tell me stories. There was no one else who would do that favor for me, and I was always very happy when she came to visit and stay with us. My grandmother told me the scary stories as well. She told me that the ugly old woman looked for girls and boys who didn't behave well, or didn't listen to their parents, and that she would take them away to eat them or sell them. I knew why I was fear. The environment where I grew up when I was a little kid were penetrating full of fear in the air. There was nothing wrong with my grandpa, grandmother, or my mother; there was the environment where I lived, and where my family came from. I chose this family to experience and the journey where I wanted to begin. They didn't know better; they were doing their best to love me.

I was always worried about my oldest brother. He was such a troublemaker. He always made my mother angry concerning his school, his homework, his behavior, and his attitude. Neighbors and teachers complained about him for stealing the neighbors' fruit and escaping from his school. He was not a good boy according to our neighbors and his teacher. My poor mother was working very hard in the field all day to put food on the table, and came home late at night with an exhausted body, and having my father far away from home, but heard the complaining from others. Without asking why my brother would do that, she would just beat him very hard until she was tired. Moreover, some other times, when my mother was very mad, she would lock the door and let my brother sleep outside the house all night long. My brother was very little, but my mother treated him as an adult. The thing was, my brother never changed. He kept doing it repeatedly, and I didn't know why.

My mother focused on my brother's behavior, which made her upset, instead looked at the good of my brother to make her happy. Maybe there was nothing wrong with my brother but the neighbor or the teacher, and my mother wanted to change my brother by beating him physically. It didn't help, and my brother kept doing it over and over again. The root cause of my brother's behavior that was my mother's unacceptance remained in his mind, he didn't want to do that, but his physical body acted automatically. He was controlled by his evil thoughts, and his thoughts were much stronger than the fear of being beat by my mother.

My father barely helped my mother with housework, farm work, or to take care of my mother and us. In contrast, my mother needed my father's love and care more than anything did, even just one word. I bet my mother had no energy to please my father, as she worked hard taking care of everything, so I understood my mother's emotions toward to my brother. It was not about my brother. It was about my mother who she was.

When I was at 5 years old, I saw my brother cooking something in my house with his friend, and I told my brother that I would tell my mother. He was very mad and pulled me down to the floor; one of his hands held my neck, and the other hand held a big Chinese knife. He threatened me if I dared to tell my mother, he would kill me. I was so scared that my body was shaking and didn't know what I did wrong. I understood where my brother came from, and I never paid attention to it, neither told my mother until now when I went through the memories in my life. I remember this, and it related to who I was.

My brother is a very nice guy who has a big heart; however, he likes to hang out with his friends and listens to them... he was repeating the pattern of my mother, when she would get angry and react to beat my brother. Therefore, every time my brother heard negative complaints about anyone in my family, he would get very mad without asking why, and would assume, based on his perception. He was giving out what he received from my mother in his early age.

Once, my brother threatened me that he would throw me out from the window, after he had heard someone said that I walked with a boy in the street. He was very sensitive about the negative energy, and reacted very fast, he had full of negative energy waiting to explode it out, because that was where he got the influences and felt secure to express himself with family members. I love my brother so much that I have been worried about him in my early age, and I know the seed of worries had been planted, one way or another, in the environment where I grew up.

Since in my younger childhood, I always wanted a simple life, although I didn't know what a simple life was. There was no way I had the chance to have ice cream, candy, cookies, or any other snack, not even bread. I was always hoping my mother would buy me some ice cream, for many times, when I saw the ice cream seller passed by my house during my childhood. I cried for ice cream, but my poor mother didn't want to spend a penny to buy me ice cream. My mother was tough to herself so she was tough to me too. How we treat ourselves how we treat others, it is a mirror. I didn't understand, but I do now. My neighbors called me Miss Thousand Gold in the old days, as I am the youngest and the only girl in my family. In normal families, I would be treated as a treasure, but because my parents didn't have a good relationship, and my brothers didn't get attention from my parents, they didn't pay much attention to me either.

Once, I was crying to buy a little heel shoes in my childhood. I was excited about them, and I thought my parents would buy for me. I asked and begged them, in the end, my parents beat me very hard for my request; in their mind, and they thought it wasn't healthy for a little girl asked for a pair of shoes with a little heel. They believed that little girls should not wear shoes with heels, and I didn't understand exactly what was in their mind. Maybe they were worried that if I started wearing something like that, one day I would become a whore, just because I love beautiful things. They both beat me very hard with a stick, and I was crying and crying, the desire of having those little heeled shoes making me cried nonstop. They were tired of beating me and made sure I wouldn't ask to buy such things again. I didn't know how to please them to buy me a pair of shoes with heels.

There is a Chinese tradition: in every Chinese New Year, the family would buy new clothes and shoes for the kids; everything was new, to enter another year coming. My mother bought me a pair of shoes that wouldn't fit my feet, even today. In my mother's eyes, she wanted me to wear those shoes for many years, so for this purpose, she bought me the shoes three times bigger than the actual size I wore. Only once a year I had the chance to have new shoes, and I wanted to cry. I force myself to wear that shoes even I didn't like. I had to wear my huge shoes, like boats, in my New Year, with my little friends in the village and visiting my family. I couldn't walk very well with such shoes, but there was nothing I could do, those were the only shoes I had for my New Year, and there was no return policy in China in the old days, or even today.

After many times I asked and cried for, but getting nothing, I stopped. I didn't feel comfortable spending their money even they offered to me later on. I felt guilt spending their money. I didn't asked money for the pads when my period came. I didn't know how I went through those days. Everything that happened in our childhood is stored inside our bodies, and becomes part of us, unnoticed, and we resist or react based on that. Only when we have a peaceful mind and we are able to stop a moment to remember where we came from. We are able to look back, step-by-step, to find out the root cause of who we became today. I was desperate wanting go to school in my early age because I wanted to learn, and to avoid doing the housework and farm work all the time. My mother would wake up my brothers and me early in the morning at 6:00am to the hill or the mountain to cut the glasses, dried it, and used it for cooking. Brothers and I always helped my mother since we were little, but I also wanted to go to school, play with other kids, and learn something. There were many other kids in the village, who went to the village kindergarten where my auntie taught simple things, because my auntie did not have a good relationship with my mother, I was not able to enter her classroom to learn what other kids learned. I would stand outside the door and look inside; desiring to learn in that environment had me very disappointed with my situation.

I was sent to school at my age of nine when other kids at seven, and I was very unhappy. I had no choice, but accepted everything that my mother arranged for me. I never got what I asked for since I was a young child. My mother educated me the way in which her parents educated her. What she didn't know she didn't know. She wanted the best to her kids; she was doing her best according what she knew. I wasn't close to my father. One time, he came home and visited us. We hadn't seen each other for such a long time; when he left, I walked with him to the village because I wanted to stay with him longer. My father stopped somewhere and looked at me. He thought I wanted his money to buy candies, so he handed me some money and told me to go home. I didn't know what to say or how to express myself that I wanted to be with him, and not for the money, as we didn't communicate very well. I didn't say anything; I took the money and turned away to go home.

Before I moved to the city, I went to visit my father with my brother, and I saw a woman in my father's place; my father told me to call her auntie. I didn't know who the woman was, why she was with father. The place where my father lived was very small, in the evening; I slept between my father and that woman who I called auntie. I didn't know why she was in my father's place, and slept in one bed, and I told my mother when I went home. I didn't pay attention to my mother's reaction at the time. My mother didn't say anything. I bet her heart was crying, but I never saw her cry or sad maybe she was just too busy in her work, and had no time or energy for crying. Mother never showed us that she was upset, and she didn't complain about anything in front of us, especially about my father's behavior. She took everything in as nothing happened.

Mother had no time to see or think about the beauty of life. She wouldn't spend any money in a hair salon for herself and me; so, in my childhood, my mother was my hairdresser. I had very straight, black, beautiful hair that I wanted to wear long; however, my mother forced me to have my hair cut because she didn't have time to look after my hair. I remember, one time, I told my mother to die because she cut my hair very short, like a boy's, and I had to wear a hat when I went out to the street. I was crying and crying, and didn't want to see anyone.

Today, I love cutting my hair myself. Growing up in a Hakka family, we are very humble. Many times in my childhood, I heard my neighbors told my mother that I was beautiful. My mother always answered, "If there was no one beautiful, then I would be the beautiful one." We didn't like to admit the good or the beauty of ourselves. We denied or refused the thought of it. I never paid attention to beauty, and I didn't know that I was beautiful, like everyone.

FIVE

Life in the City

We moved to the city where many others wanted to because of my father's job. I didn't know what happiness was, and I didn't know what made me happy. I didn't feel anything while our relatives and friends were happy for us moving to the city. I went to a school where was very far away from our home; it took me two hours per day walked to my school. I wasn't very happy. I didn't know, at that time, that other kids had worse situations than us, as the city where we lived lacked communication tool and information. If there was no comparison, how would I know I was lucky? What I didn't know, I didn't know. I faced the facts but never appreciated what I had.

My grade in my hometown was very good; however, after I moved to the city, I didn't like studying that much. I went to school on time, every day, and never missed a class but I missed out on much of my homework, and my teacher would say my name very loud in my classroom who didn't do homework; and had my name written on the blackboard all the time, so that everyone knew that I didn't do my homework. I was a bad student. My teacher never questioned me why I didn't do my homework but judged and blamed on me that I wasn't a good student. I had no idea why I didn't do my homework. Maybe I didn't like the school, or maybe my parents didn't supervise me with my homework, or I didn't like my teacher, it could have been any reasons, or maybe no one cared? My name is Kenqin Zhong, first name in Chinese means working hard and saving money; Last name means the clock. My teacher wrote my name as Kenlan Zhong, which means lazy and save money... all my classmates were looking at me and laughing at me during my class. It is very disrespectful and rude to change somebody's name liked my teacher did, there is a saying in Chinese that "walk don't change family name, sit don't change the first name." It is saying how important our name to us, I refer this in Chinese concept.

I was accepted by one of the lesser-known middle schools after I finished elementary school. Where most parents didn't want their kids to go because there were only bad kids: kids who didn't have good grades or good behavior; kids involved in violence, smoking, or drugs; or kids who had boyfriends or girlfriends, which considered unhealthy in China in that period, and was considered to be bad, or evil. All of that would affect their energy to focus on their grade...and the quality of the teacher was not as good as other middle schools. I didn't want to go there, but I had no choice, and my parents didn't complain at all. The school divided six classes into one grade and, according to the level that we had, into an important one and an unimportant one. I was in the unimportant one, and that was why I was the master of my class, which meant I oversaw and assisted my teacher with all her work, collecting homework, and managing my classmates' behavior in the class. I called them to stand up when the teacher came into the classroom; for respect of all our loving teachers, at the beginning of each class, we stood up to welcome our teachers who came to give us a class, then sat down. I was very happy that I could help my teacher, and I could study harder just because I was the master of my class.

My grade was very good in the beginning, especially my English. I could remember all vocabulary, if I paid attention. I also loved learning chemistry, and playing with the formulas; however, because I didn't like the attitude of my chemistry teacher; I lost my interest in it. I took things personally because she judged my one of my classmate who went out with boys. She didn't like the behavior of my classmate: she judged her as a bad girl. I couldn't focus on my chemistry class because of my teacher, and I wasted my energy on someone and something that didn't matter to me. I can see very clearly how people like me were wasting their energy on nonsense because we took things personally.

In my last year of middle school, I met a person who lived in front of where I lived. I saw him while I was washing dishes, after seeing each other many times; we wanted to get to know each other. Soon, we became good friends but not like boyfriend and girlfriend yet. We didn't go far because my family knew about us. I went home late at night sometimes, and my mother would lock the door and warn me about coming home too late. My poor mother didn't know what to say to me, or maybe she felt embarrassed by telling me about guys, and that I was too young for a boyfriend. My older brother was very mad at me and warned that if I continued going out with the person, he would break my legs so that I couldn't walk. It was so scary. I was in my rebellion period, so that didn't help. Anyhow we didn't last very long being friends, he met another girl.

Growing up in a family where there was verbal and physical abuse, we never discussed family issues in a peaceful and calm environment. Everyone carried his or her anger and hatred: my mother was angry with my father; my brother was angry with my mother. It was always something, like a circle that never ends. Yes, we only learn from our organic body, from one and another. My grandfather abused my grandmother, and that was where my mother came from. She repeated the pattern of my grandfather, and led it to my brother, who became abusive toward to my mother, his girlfriend, and me. He had to release it in some way, as he didn't know how it worked, or where it came from. He thought that was normal and the way supposed to be.

Was I a victim, or did I choose to become? I was the youngest one in my family; I never said anything or asked for anything. I couldn't say anything when they fought, were mad or angry, my brother would throw me away or hit me. Helpless! I realized the environment where I came from. I was immersed in the negative mental and emotions energy had not a place to escape to. Knowing the fact that my family didn't know how to deal with their emotions, enabled me to understand the whole picture now, and I am more grateful for having them in life. I was very confused why they were always fighting, were mad, and arguing all along. They were what they said; they were what they did; and they were what they showed. They were full of negative energy, but my poor family didn't know where those negative energies came from, or why they were in such way, and how it worked. They didn't even question it because they thought that was the way it was supposed to be. They never asked why or how, but blamed on each other, and never took responsibility for themselves. I see it very clear at the moment, because I took time to learn about myself like watching a movie, from now to my childhood, step-by- step, discovering the reason for who I became today, and why I became.

By writing this book, it has helped me to remember my background and understand my family problems, finding the root causes of all the dramas that happened to my family and me. Mother was the only one who did everything in the house under any circumstance. I know that I was repeating the pattern of what my mother was doing to me, and I did the same thing to my second ex-husband. I took advantage of my mother, and I allowed my second ex-husband to take advantage of me. I thought it was normal to serve; even I was not happy or not feeling well. I didn't know that I could tell him to eat out or cook for himself. I didn't give that permission to myself to take a break or I didn't know I need a permission to do so.

I wasn't a dreamer; I was living in the reality, the pure physical being. I didn't believe many things in life simply because I didn't believe in myself. Especially things that I can't see and touch; therefore, I lived day by day, and I didn't know what I wanted in my future life, but a simple life. I hadn't known what having a dream was like before I moved to the United States of America and had the opportunity to work with my ex-manager, Chase, who was always trying to uplift me. If I were surrounded with people who didn't know what a dream was nor have a dream, how would they dare to dream, and if there was no dream, how could a dream come true? Nothing comes out of nothing. I never liked to imagine or had a vision, as in my childhood, whatever I asked for, I didn't get; for this reason, I gave up on all my thoughts and dreams.

I didn't like to watch those Chinese TV series (based on the Chinese legend) about people who flew and fought in the air; I thought that was not realistic. Those TV series are good for learning Chinese history, and I avoided things like that were not realistic. Lately, I am reading some spiritual books, and I realized that all those legends might be true, and they must have come from somewhere, and based on a fact. The fact becomes the legend; the legend becomes superstitious; the superstitious becomes faking, and then no one believes it. If we don't believe it, we forget about it; if we forget about it, it disappeared. In this case, we are controlled easily, and only believe what others have said without proof. There is no one that can explain spirits; it is not science. You can only feel it; if you cannot feel it, it is because you don't believe it.

Having a simple family life was what I had wanted since I was a child. It would be very simple: simple like having a good conversation; eating dinner together peacefully; watching TV together; and gathering together during Chinese festival. Nevertheless, bad luck, it didn't happen to me yet. Lack of communication and heap of assumption became part of my family and me. I guessed what they liked, what they wanted, and what they were thinking. And my family made assumptions based on their own perception, their own background, their own thought, and what they thought was good for me, and they didn't even ask if I liked it or not. This habit took me away from my first marriage, with my ex-boyfriend, my second marriage, my relationship with my family members, my daughters, and my social life. I didn't know how to communicate with any of them in a good way, or express myself in any language, in Chinese or in English.

I realized immediately while I am writing, that I have very short conversations with my brother in WeChat lately; we barely talked, we couldn't talk. Every time we started communicating, we fought. Everyone in my family only wants to hear what they want to hear, not listen to what I want to say, but their image of what they make up for me, and force me to believe that they are right. They made an order to me to obey just because they are older than I am and they think they know better than anyone else does. I felt very uncomfortable when I talked to my brothers, because they were as if someone above me forces me to follow him. Moreover, I repeated this pattern toward to my daughter...my family and I didn't allow us to express ourselves freely.

I always asked myself why I had such communication difficulties; since I was little, I had a hard time expressing myself to others. I even wondered if I had done very bad things in my past life. I am not kidding. By observing this short conversation with my brother, I could see a mirror, from him to me and to my family. Being full of reaction and resistance to their request, it made me think they don't care about me, and they only want to control me, after a while, I understood my family love me in such way.

Nobody wants to be controlled by others unless you knew or you wanted to be controlled, and in China, control defines love, ego love. They love you, they want the best for you, and that is why they control you. They tell you what to do, what to eat, and what is good for you by what they think is good for them. I did the same thing to my daughter. No wonder she didn't want to stay with me, she didn't feel love but controlled by me. There was no chance for me to escape or think of what the root cause was, until today, when my mind is very clear. I started to look back from my past with an open mind, to understand, to forgive, to accept, to embrace, and to look at my life in a different way. My fear, worries, insecurity, self-centeredness, low self-esteem, lack of communication skills, my inability to dream, and the way I was controlled by others and I controlled my daughter... all come from my past. I had no questions for anything, because acceptance became who I was.

I admit that I didn't know how to ask questions, and didn't feel good asking a favor or help, because when I was young, I never got what I asked for, why should I asked? From then on, I always waited for people to understand me, or assumed people knew what I wanted. I asked myself why I didn't know how to ask a question or answer a question. Every time I try to express myself, it leads me in another direction...I have too many thoughts inside me, and don't know what is what, as I didn't express myself for so many years. When I wanted to express myself, it all came together and got mixed up. I wasn't able to be in the moment but carried my heavy mental baggage from the past. I was living in my past and that had me believe I couldn't have what I wanted, so I stopped wanting or asking for anything in life, and accepted everything and whatever happened in my life.

SIX

Pregnant in High School

My first ex-husband was my first man in my life. I met him in my first high school year, by accident. I wasn't planning to meet or have any boyfriends, or hang out with guys. I must admit that he wasn't the type of guy who I admired or liked to hang out with, although I didn't have a model in my mind. I didn't know how to value myself while I was not value by my family and no one. As a result, I allowed him came into my life although he was not the one who I wanted to spend my life with.

One afternoon, on a weekend, I hung out with my classmates in a residential area in the city where I lived, and my first ex-husband was with his friend, standing in front of his sister's tailor shop. I paid attention to him just because one of my classmates said we were matched, nothing else. He was a good-looking person to my classmates, but for some reason, since I was little, I had never paid attention to people by how they looked. It doesn't matter how a person looks; important is within I know this very well by fact. He had big eyes and Chinese girls like that because most Chinese have little eyes, like me; in consequence, girls or boys like big eyes, but this is only my personal opinion. He was about 170 cm tall, with a skinny body, and he looked clean and neat...nothing special to me. Anyway, my classmate talked to my first ex-husband about her thoughts, and he came out and talked to me, and we became friends and later we became lovers.

He probably liked how I was straightforward because he wasn't, or maybe he liked how I looked at that time, or maybe he liked my body, or maybe he was bored and wanted to have someone to hang out with...somehow, he was attracted to me. He would wait for me in the park, and we would run together in the early morning, every day since we met, for a few months. After that, he would buy me breakfast and wait for me in my building; then, he took me to school if I ran out of time, sometimes I rode my bike, and he rode his motorcycle, but he always followed me.

At that time in China, if you had a boyfriend or a girlfriend in your school year, people would stare at you; they thought that you were impure, or that you were a bad person, not focused on school but a relationship. As I lived in a small town, people knew each other, and very soon, this news got to my parents and my brothers. There was no one before, who took care of me as my first ex-husband did, and I liked being taken care of by someone who I felt comfortable with, and having someone pay attention to me. He was very nice to me, and would do anything for me when we were boyfriend and girlfriend, and I asked myself what else I needed in life, if I had someone who cared and loved me so much. That was what I was looking for in life although I didn't like him that much. I was happy being loved by him and staying with him.

My mother was worried, and my oldest brother was very mad; however, they couldn't stop me from seeing him. My grades in school dropped very fast, but no one cared. Later, I found out that he gambled and smoked behind me, and those were the things that I didn't ever like in my life. He couldn't hide these habits from me, and the closer we got, the more his defects showed. However, our relationship was getting deeper in a physical way but not in a spiritual way. I didn't know what spiritual meant at that age. Although I didn't like his bad habits because I had a very closed mind, many other people knew that we were together, and if I broke up with him, I thought I might not be able to find another boyfriend, that was the assumption that I had at that time. Because I had a physical relationship with him, I thought that I was impure, and no guys would like me, simply because I didn't like myself and didn't accept who I was. I disliked what he was doing, and I was mad, but there was no way I could change him, neither leave him because of my conditioned mind. I didn't like him hanging out with some of his friends, there was so much that I didn't like about him, but why wasn't I brave enough to step away from him? I wasn't attracted to him at all, inside and outside, when I looked at him. He was not the right one; he had many bad habits that I hated; and I didn't think he loved me for he didn't listen to me, contradictions, doubts, fears, worries...so many reasons telling me that he was not the one. However, I forced myself to accept being with him just because he was my boyfriend.

At the young age of 18, I thought when a girl and a boy kissed, they would have a baby, and I was very worried because I had kissed, but nothing happened. With the lack of education in biology, I didn't know how my body worked. I remembered in my middle school that my biology teacher skipped that part: how sexuality works. I don't know exactly what the reason was for that. I guessed, probably for her, it was shame or shyness to teach that topic for Chinese didn't open enough for that.

I was a virgin although he had doubts about it. He wouldn't say anything, because there was no bleeding after our first time being physical, he was a bit disappointed. He probably thought that I went out with other guy before him, but I didn't explain to him that he was my first man. I got pregnant the year before I finished my high school, and I was very scared and didn't know what to do. As the restriction environment in China, a one-child policy, abortion was very popular for many reasons. I was one of the victims, just like many other women. In addition, guys in China, they didn't care about girls that much (at least, not the guys I knew, although I didn't know many other guys). They didn't like to use condoms, there was no feeling, they claimed. I didn't know how to protect myself; or I didn't know that I could protect myself; or I met the wrong person, who only cared about himself; or he didn't know better, there could be many reasons.

I talked to one of my Chinese friend who had abortion for her pregnancy not long ago. She claimed it was a torture. It is not only physical pain, but also the emotion, mental, and our souls suffer for what we have done. Women, please learn to love and protect yourself because there is no one else who will feel how you felt by abuse yourself visibly and invisibly. I could relate to my friend's situation until now I know how to love myself care about my life, and others.

I was lucky that I could graduate from high school without it being noticed. No one knew that I was five months pregnant in school neither home, perhaps no one paid attention to me. After the graduation, I still had to face the fact. My first ex-husband and I wanted to hide the pregnancy to avoid being in the city where everyone knew each other. We went to the city of Shenzhen where he had his family, and we stayed there for a short period then we decided to come back home. I knew that I had to deal with what it was, and came home to wait to deliver my daughter. His family arranged our marriage right after we got back home. It was very simple: we took marriage pictures, had some marriage classes from the city council, and invited only family members for a lunch that was all.

I didn't want to marry my first ex-husband because I didn't love him or like him. I didn't know what I wanted, but I knew very clear what I didn't want especially knowing all his bad habits and how he treated me after I was pregnant; however, I married for my pregnancy, and his family putting on the pressure for our marriage, although my family wasn't happy, I had to marry him. I had no choice. Should I have been grateful that he still wanted to marry me? This was a hidden marriage because no one knew this happened. There was no restaurant, no wedding, no laughter, no makeup, no happiness, and no dressing up...I felt more like a funeral.

Being ashamed of getting pregnant in my high school, I didn't go out of the house, besides visited the doctor for pregnancy regular check. My mom came to accompany me sometimes, and my first ex-husband was out of the house the whole day and didn't come home until night, the last three months of my pregnancy. I felt like I was in jail. I didn't know how to express my feelings or who I could talk to, so I held everything within. All the emotions and anxiety of being pregnant had a reaction in my physical body, and I had not gotten any attention from my first ex-husband. We were not prepared to marry. I knew nothing about my first ex-husband, the society, the life, the world, and myself. I was a young active girl and spending three months in an apartment by myself without any surrounding. I was looking for something to fill this void.

If there is no love within; I won't able to see the light; if I couldn't see the light; I won't be able to see the true; if I wasn't able to see the true; I won't be able to have calm and peace within! I chained myself in my own jail, from my thoughts. My heart was closed, my body was heavy, my mind was full of negative energy, and I couldn't think straight except being depressed, crying hard inside, and being mad with my first ex-husband...why did he become a very different person, someone who I didn't know? I hated how he treated me, and I hated myself for ending up in such a situation...Until, I told myself that I would divorce him one day.

I knew that very well. I set my intention, and I didn't pay much attention to it. I continued on my miserable life. Finally, my daughter was born. I was crying out hard because my doctor stitched me up without any anesthesia, so I could feel every stitch that my doctor put in my body. Anyway, that was a very short period of physical pain pasted fast. When my daughter was born, my first ex-husband was a bit disappointed because it was a girl. I have to admit, in China, when you had a boy, family would be very happy. Remember, we marry for family, and try to please them. If it was a girl, they wouldn't say anything, but hold inside, they wish it had been a boy because it was better to continue their generations in the old Chinese traditional mind; we inherited five thousand years' history. Because China was very strict with a one-child policy at that time, many couples and their parents (mostly parents from the husband's side) only wanted boys. If they knew it was a girl, many others would have subjected to have an abortion.

A few days later, I came back home, and my ex-mother-in-law took care of me. There was a Chinese tradition after delivered of a baby, the mother had to stay in bed for a month; we called it sitting month. The purpose of sitting month was to recover from the delivery and the full nine months of carrying a baby. Another torture! Maybe I should be grateful that my daughter and I were safe and healthy... if I was full of hatred, anger, depression, pain, and suffering, how could I see the other side of the world? How could I see the light? As I carried the negative energy so I couldn't feel grateful for that period of my life.

I was very passive; my ex-mother-in-law was the master in my house, she was in charge of everything, from very small things, to what I ate, to my relationship with my first ex-husband, everything had to do according to her opinion, otherwise she got mad. Capitalism and controlling; I lived in a communist country, right? Well, to tell the truth, I had no idea what communism meant to me at that time. Up until today, with what I know about capitalism, I know what communism is by comparing the two. Is that ignorance? I didn't know what kind of society where I have lived for the past many years.

Acceptance was the only attitude I had, without any opinions but conformity. I was totally controlled by my environment. My ex-mother-in law probably didn't want to take care me; just because I was her ex-daughter-in-law, she had to, and she also cared what people thought of her and her family for this reason. In the beginning, there was no milk came from my breast, even when my daughter was sucking very hard till my nipples were bleeding; it was so painful, but no one cared. My first ex-husband couldn't say anything. Sometimes he came into my room, but my ex-mother-in-law told him to go out because I was "dirty" as Chinese superstition regarding the bleeding period of women. She got mad many times, because my first ex-husband wanted to help me or stayed with me. In the beginning, my first ex-husband wanted to stay in my room, but after a few times that my ex-mother-in-law talked to him, he stopped coming to my room. Once, when I opened the curtain in my room, she was very mad at me. She said that I was too "dirty" that the divine would see me; I couldn't say anything for I knew nothing about God but gave meaning to her words. I ate what she cooked, I did what she wanted me to do, and I felt bad by rejecting her food and her hard work and care. I threw her food away in the trashcan sometimes when she didn't see me. The food was so dried, and she didn't allow me to drink the water that I needed; as a consequence, I got constipated, and have hemorrhoids for life.

She is a very interesting traditional woman. She liked to show her mood by her face, her voice, and her actions. I didn't know why she should act in such way, neither to ponder why. Now, I know that was the way that she treated herself. If my ex-mother-in-law wasn't happy, her face was like a bitter melon, and her voice of steel was coated with anger or she won't talk to you when you asked her questions. She would anger with what she was doing and make a noise, or she stepped away from you; and my first ex-husband knew his mother very well. He was a very obedient and did what his mother said, because we made mistake, married, and had a child, she had to come to help us. Everyone in the family had to listen to her, and everyone was afraid of her and respected her because she had a difficult childhood and a hard life, and she worked very hard to raise her kids. She was entitled to it; in other words, she had suffered a lot, and now, everyone needed to suffer like her. Anyhow, I had good relationship with her, because I listened to her mostly of the time, I was a follower! She is a good woman.

Married with a child, without any plan, no work, no money, had nothing...everything depended on my first ex-husband's family. I wasn't grateful for what they have provided to us. Living a life without planning or knowing how to make a plan in life but acceptance. I thought that was my fate. I did whatever she liked or wanted me to do, on the other hand, I also thought that she had more life experience, and she should know better than I should. I placed myself in a position where to follow her and listen to her become an imitator, knowing nothing about the outside world but my own little world. One-month sitting was the most difficult time I went through. Can you imagine staying in bed for a whole month, with no TV allowed (she said it was not good for my eyes), no radio (it was not good for my ears), no husband (because I was "dirty"), and for sure, no phone calls. I was stuck in my bedroom, not seeing anyone, although my mother, and his family, did come over to visit. Who could I become under such circumstances? Can you imagine if that were you? What would be in your mind? I am fortunate that I have a clear mind now.

There are some other traditions in China, as I couldn't go visit anyone's house before having delivered 40 days, and the wife and husband couldn't have physical relations until after 100 days. There were two reasons: one, maybe the woman is still "dirty"; and the other, maybe, to protect the woman who carried the baby; who knows? I didn't know where my first ex-husband went during those times gambling, karaoke, sauna, having fun who knew? I didn't have much energy or time to care about that, as I suffered the pain from my recovering physical and emotional, as well as took care of my daughter. I was brainwashed by my ex-mother-in-law what I couldn't do...I think I was depressed by all the things that happened to me, and I didn't know what the solution was but conformity was the only way. The moment I don't know what I want I give my permission to other and let them decided my life. Yes, I chose to experience.

My ex-mother-in-law went back to her hometown when my daughter was three months, and she showed me everything before she left, made sure everything according to her rules. I stopped breastfeeding when my daughter was six months. There is another tradition in China, and my ex-mother-in-law was a very traditional woman. Having grandkids live with the grandparents is a sign that the family is happy. They used to do that because the younger ones could work. Therefore, my ex-mother-in-law wanted to take care of my daughter so that I could work; she didn't like the city, so at six months she wanted my daughter to live with her in the village. For her, this was more convenient, so my daughter lived with her grandparents in the village, and I visited my daughter once a week. By the way, I didn't work, but they still wanted to have my daughter, maybe because my daughter's grandpa loved her so much, he wanted to stay with her, and she was the first grandchild that he had. I listened to my ex-mother-in-law because I respected her as my first ex-husband's mother; however, I didn't listen to my first ex-husband. I thought I needed to respect his mother, and this was one way of loving him. If I didn't care about him, why would I care about his mother? However, he didn't understand me regarding this point. I am grateful for having her on my path, as today; I understand where she came from. She must be fettered by all the rules from the old generation, and won't be able to set herself free with all the shackles.

I was very unsatisfied, sad, and mad with my first ex-husband for everything that happened. He didn't act like a man, not even a human being, and I reacted as a madwoman. I don't know if I have the right to judge him as I was responsible for everything happened. It was 25 years ago. I am better now to understand why he became, he was doing his best, and I was reacting my best to him. I lost interest in being intimate with him for all things occurred as you can see the whole picture, although he tried to get close to me. Maybe I was emotionless sexually, because I didn't want a physical relationship with him after delivering my daughter. Maybe I was depressed after and before the pregnancy, and one more month of staying in bed without him by my side, not having any love, care, or any attention from him, no conversation in the way it should be, it could be any reasons. He was trying hard to fix our relationship; however, it didn't work out.

My body and brain was filled up all his faults and wrongdoing to me, not a space for his kindness, loving heart. I wanted to leave him but didn't have the excuse to do so. I was stuck in a relationship with someone I didn't know, didn't love, and didn't care about. I didn't even want to look at him, but I needed a reasonable excuse to leave him, and I didn't have one. Therefore, I didn't want to leave him because we were married, he was my daughter's father, and he hadn't cheated on me yet.

Eventually, I thought he was tired and fed up of pleasing me, trying and trying hard to get me back. Yes, I was tough. I was born year of OX, though I don't believe astrology, but I do have some characters as Taurus. I believe I got it from my mother who I grew up with, not what Astrology said so. The environment had me became not the Astrology books. For me, believing such things are superstition and ignorance when I think of it. It is all basic on what you believe.

He went out more frequently, and came home very late. He knew nothing about what I did, or my daughter, sometimes I had my daughter with me in the city, yet, he would not change any of his routine. Once, my daughter had to be taken to the emergency room, and I couldn't find my first ex-husband, my daughter's uncle, who took my daughter and me to the hospital. My first ex-husband's heart was not in the family, and I had no idea where his heart belonged. I started checking his phone and pager machine, many, many times...but when my best friend told me that she saw him with a girl in his motorbike, I didn't believe her at all because I didn't believe he could do that to me. I continued checking his pager machine and wondered to find out something that I was expected. I didn't get to see him all week, and had no conversation for months, because when I went to bed, he wasn't home. When he came home, I was sleeping and when I got up, he was sleeping.

One day, when I checked his pager machine and asked what phone number had called; I finally knew what was happening: a girl called me back, and I told her I was a sister of my first ex-husband, and that my mom was worried about him. I asked if my brother had stayed with her for the past few days, and she answered "yes"...I said thank you to her and, after that, I was crying very hard, and I knew it was time to end it.

After I verified that my first ex-husband was having an affair, I text him right away and told him to come back home right now. I thought I found the excuse to release all my anger, hatred, and madness from being ignored. Everything had accumulated in the past two to three years, and exploded in that moment. It seemed I had waited it for too long, holding my emotions back, and it was time to get it all out. When he called me back, I ordered him to be home in 30 minutes, or he would regret. He could hear my voice how it was, and he came home with one of his friends. When he came home, I locked the door, and didn't allow his friend to come into my house. I didn't know where I found the scissors, but the thought of cutting his penis off came into my mind, very clear. I wanted to cut his penis off, so that he couldn't go out with girls any more. However, he wore blue jeans. I did my best to move my hand to reach my target, back and forth, left and right, jumping up and down, fortunately or unfortunately, I couldn't reach my target. My hands were wrapped by his hands from back, couldn't move too far. I used all my life energy that I had. I screamed and cried, sweating and jumping. I did whatever I could to hurt him in any way. After one hour fight, everything burned out like volcano, the fire, the heat, in both visible way and invisible way. My first ex-husband held me very tight and didn't allow me to hurt him, neither to hurt me, in this point I could see that he did care about me, at least he didn't want to hurt me physically, however, he didn't know how deep he hurt me mentally. What he didn't know, he didn't know. He was just a physical being like anyone else. I didn't blame on him because I am responsible for who he became.

When I was worn out, he released his hands. It was a battle, an emotion battle. I took my daughter and went out, and he followed me, maybe he was worried I would do something wrong. I was losing my mind. How dare this guy cheated on me! After I was freed from my negative energy, I was glad that I didn't hurt my first ex-husband. My conscious mind knew it but didn't want to accept the fact that he had affair, knowing many others had the same issue but I didn't want this happened to me. I could hear people gossiped the same thing repeatedly, now they would gossip about my first ex-husband and me. My poor daughter was crying and seeing everything that happened. Once, I heard my landlord was arguing with her husband, and it was very scary. I knew that this had a traumatic effect on my daughter, but I have no idea how much we damaged our daughter's life. I was selfish. Yes, I was. I didn't know why I was reacted so mad, because he was my first man, or because he was my first ex-husband or the father of my daughter, or just because I was mad at myself. There was no excuse, not that I was young, and not for any other reason. I was just selfish and didn't think of anyone else but myself. I allowed my ego, my emotions, and my body to control me, and I became someone who I didn't know, or that was the real me.

I asked myself where my abusive thoughts came from: my mother, my brother, or society. When I remember my life with my first ex-husband, I was an abusive person. I wanted his attention by doing many things, like throwing things away, or breaking a mirror, and cutting his pricey, brand-new clothing, or hitting him. He said nothing to me. I didn't know because he knew what he had done to me or he felt bad about it. One time, I left my daughter alone at home while she was sleeping, and I went out with my friends. When I came home, I felt so bad, and I didn't know why I did that. I didn't know if it was because of my anger, or because that was who I was. I didn't look back and left. I had no worries or fears because there was nothing good to think about him. That time, I didn't think about my daughter but myself only; when there was nothing but darkness within, it was hard to think of anything else. In that year, I was 22, a girl who was full of shame and anger.

I didn't discuss my leaving with my parents or brothers. Anyway, I didn't know how to explain or talk to them so that they would understand how I felt, as we were not very closed, and I didn't think my family would have a better solution, as I had already decided to leave my first ex-husband. Although it was not what I asked for, nevertheless, he was responsible for not being with me when I needed him deeply, to be by my side. When I emotionally needed him, he was absent; not even once he stayed with me, and when he needed me, I didn't have any feelings left for him, so we both made the separation from one and other; One hand can't clap. We are all responsible for our mistakes. If he wanted other girl, it was better that I left him alone, although he begged and cried, and threatened me. There was no way that I would forgive someone who cheated on me. I can forgive for any reason not for cheating on me!

Remember: I am an OX. I carried myself, full of shame, anger, hatred, and lack of love, married a man who didn't know how to love himself and I expected his love, care, and protection. I was very disappointed with him and myself, and everything that came alone in life. However, if he didn't know how to love himself, how could he know how to love me?

SEVEN

Escape from My City

A corrupted government is better than no government; a disorganized family is better than no family. I love my family in anyway, even though we were not connected, the arrow pointed to a different direction other than love, peace, and harmony and it came out as hatred, confusion, and discord. My family and I were totally pervading in the negative energy and the evil thoughts, which fed us non-stop.

I was aware of it and wanted to move away from home where the negative environment, which hatred, madness, arguments, that I faced every single day for the past 19 years. I wasn't a person with any of these traits. Yes, I was lack of love, and was worried and unhappy; somehow, I inherited everything from my family, every unconscious thing, everything that I saw, felt, and heard, and I carried them with me and be part of me. I didn't know those negative seeds had been planted in such a way: an invisible way, and slowly. Unconsciously, my physical body's organs, cells, and nerves recorded everything, and stored it within. At a certain point, those energies must come out, like when a glass of water is full, it spills everywhere and all my negativities were directed at my first ex-husband. Now, I had no idea what I was going to do; I had escaped the negativity from my family to marriage, and now I had no one; actually, not even myself, and I repeated the same thing again: by escaping from my first ex-husband's house.

Where was the right place for me? On the other hand, was there not a right place? I wished I questioned about myself; however, I didn't even know how to ask a question. Am I a human being, or just an animal? I was worried because I had no place to stay, and I was busy looking for a job. I didn't know that I needed to heal myself first, or I needed to take time to look back at what was wrong with me. Instead, I searched for a job. I had no concept that I could talk to myself and heal myself, because I thought that was just the way it was. With 500 Chinese money, a bit more than $50 in hand, there was not a thought but to find a way to make a living, with no life experience, neither work experience. Where would I find a job?

My life didn't get better after I married first ex-husband, excepted physical and emotional hurt badly, nothing good remains. Yes, I chose to move, with no regrets, no hesitation, and no complaints at all. I was only focused on myself. I didn't think of my daughter, or what to do with her, as she stayed with her grandparents more than with me. Maybe I knew that she would be good with her family, which was the decision I had made. I couldn't think straight. I was blocked and disconnected with my true self, or maybe I had never been connected within. I didn't want to go back to my mother's house, as they fought all the time, and I am a person who didn't like go back to where I was unless I had to, because I left for a reason. If I went back, it would mean that I was admitting that I made the mistake. Obviously, I had made mistaken, a huge mistake, and a small little mistake cause a big mistake. A small mistake, I went out with first ex-my husband in high school though he wasn't the right one for me; a big mistake, I had a baby with him and married him. I didn't see the cause and continue making blunder in life. I wasn't aware of the small things that counted, and yes it did. Big problem came from slight problems; serious disease comes from minutes' negative energy; they built up invisibly until it shows itself.

One of my best friends introduced me a job in a brand new, four star hotel in the city of Panyu where close to the capital city of Canton, Guangzhou. I went to see her without one-day delay. It sounded good to me, a four-star hotel. I needed a job urgently, and a job that would be away from my city where no one knew me. I created my own illusion how people would gossip about me, because people only like to share negative news. I was an extrovert person and loved surrounding with people; I felt shame about myself and didn't want to see people. I couldn't accept who I was. It was shameful! I needed to hide in a shell, without seeing anyone who I knew.

What I had wanted in my teenage year came true: to get out of my family's influences. I got what I asked for, just a bit late. So, be aware of what thought is in your mind and what you asked for; it will come true without making it happened. Who knew the law of attraction in China at that time? Who would think of the invisible influence; who knew how it worked? Everyone was busy with the traditions and beliefs systems from 5,000 years, and had been brainwashed and kept repeating the pattern again and again from one generation to another generation. There was a lack of freedom of thinking, we didn't know what freedom was, we accepted the reality short of any questions and doubts. The survival mode of life gave us no time and no space to think over and ponder over, and we were living in the past of our old generation and fear of knowing, unknowing, and the worry about future.

I spent all my time in the little city where I was growing up. Then, I broke my rule, and left my small city. I forced myself to accept the gasoline smell of the bus traveled back and forth between my small town and the city of Panyu. I was allocated in a light bar after one month of training in the hotel: a place for social meetings and business meetings, for having a drink of tea, coffee, alcohol, and snacks. It was a small hotel bar with one working schedule, from 4:00 p.m. to 1:00 a.m. every day. There were five of us worked in the bar. I was happy had my job; at least, I had somewhere to stay. My work was a bit boring in the beginning, it was not a busy bar; five of us were very free. No one would say anything if you spent time being busy in the bathroom, talking to your friends, going for dinner for two hours, you could stand, sit, have a drink in the bar, or eat some food ordered from the customers. It was an easy job, no mind required; we just needed to smile. I had a very good relationship with everyone: the bartenders, all my co-workers, my supervisor, and my manager, eating, laughing, and having fun sometimes.

Most of our guests were Australians who worked for a Chinese shipping company; they were mostly technicians who built the carriers, and they liked gathering for drinking, chatting, dancing and meeting friends. They had beautiful, big, blue eyes with long eyelashes, curly brown hair, and big noses. They were mature, and they were tall, compared to Chinese people. Some had a belly, maybe because of alcohol; they drank a lot (I never saw people got so drunk). All the Australians seemed to have a beard, and their hands were hairy, like monkeys. It was very uncomfortable in the beginning when I saw them, and I wanted to hide from them; it seemed they could bite me. Overtime, after I have gotten to know them more, I liked them. Sometimes I would be waiting for them to come because, without them there, it was boring and no life in the bar.

The religion in China was not as restrictive as what Western people talk: there are churches everywhere. I used to visit the church on Sunday where located in the city of Guangzhou. It is a Catholic church, as I am not religion I had no concept what difference among Christian and Catholic, anyhow it didn't bother me that much. I liked the atmosphere and the music in the church where I felt comfortable with, however I didn't know what was the service about as my English wasn't good enough to understand what they were talking about. I tried to read bible, oh man, too hard to comprehend like the old Chinese letters. My neighbor who was from Singapore gave me a Chinese bible, yet I didn't see any difference between any verses of the bible. I think life is supposed to be simple why make it so complicated. I gave up on reading bibles. Once, I heard a saying that the government didn't allow people, as part of Buddhism practice, to burn incense; nevertheless, they did it anyway when there was no one around.

A year ago, there was a thought that came to me, I didn't know what was going on with China today as we had invented the four most famous inventions in the world: the compass, gunpowder, paper making, and printing, but nowadays, we were only imitating, China is good at that, and I was one of them. Our brains are overflowing the imagination of others, easier to imitate than create, does the system in China not allow people to think freely, or do the people not know how to connect with their true self? With nothing to compare freedom to the only current reality, I was just a simple woman who grew up in China was influenced by the history, the culture, the traditions, the customs, and especially the politics. I was always curious why Western people talked about freedom at that time; I didn't care about it. I had no interest of searching for freedom, because I didn't know what freedom was. I only wanted a simple family life. Under the environment in China when I lived at the time, I wasn't able to be free to think, but believed what I knew.

In America, we talk about free will. What is free will? Free will is really something beyond the physical form unseen and no one owns it before you. A good example is Elon Musk, the CEO of SpaceX, who is doing something no one does. He is able to think freely, has sufficient confident to make it happen. If we are doing what others have been doing, we are following them as good examples, but we are not actually free. What we know is not free; free is unknown. As everyone is doing his or her best in life, what we don't know, we don't know.

My co-workers would go out to eat, drink, or get snacks every night after work. The nightlife where I worked was very active: people stayed out very late until the morning. I didn't like late night lifestyle, besides the fact that I thought I knew how to take care of my body. However, I gained weight by eating too many peanuts, and other snacks, because they were all free. I lost control overeating, and I couldn't stop...I didn't want to gain weight, but I didn't know how to stop overeating. I didn't know where the idea came from, but I started making myself throw up every time after I ate a lot of peanuts, and my coworkers thought I was pregnant. This situation lasted for half a year and I realized that I needed to do something to stop it, so I ran with my friend every early morning, but I was still fat because I didn't stop overeating. I didn't understand that I was stressed out from my previous situation with my first ex-husband. I didn't like myself, and I was fighting not to gain weight. I tried everything to lose the fat in my body. One of my co-workers told me that he couldn't see my eyes. It was so embarrassing that my eyes were very small while I was big, and all the fat showed on my face, my neck, my arms, and my butt, was very ugly. He said my eyes looked like a cyclops. I wanted to look for a place to hide when he said that. I wished I could work magic to disappear from his sight. I didn't feel comfortable being who I was.

I was very lucky this hotel provided us a very private dorm with only two people shared one room, even though not knowing the meaning of privacy, I was happy in my dorm. Many other industries had ten or twenty people in one dorm especially in the factory. The majority of the manufacturing or hotel industry hired people from the North, where they were very far away from their home, so almost all the companies offered dorms to make it easier for their employees. Also, the workers didn't get paid what they purposed to get, some of the companies provided meals for their employees. At least we didn't have to worry about having a place to stay and an empty stomach. I didn't remember when I had laughed so much in my life, it was silly, fun, and joyful, we could laugh for the whole day. One of my coworkers was a very authentic girl; she just made me laugh with every word came out of her mouth, every of her emotion, and every of her behavior: the beauty of authenticity. I just loved her pure loving spirit.

I worked there for about a year, and we laughed most of the time. We would have a day off once a week, and my co-workers went out often, with guys or their friends, to somewhere to eat or to have fun. I lost my interest in going out with people, especially with a group of people. I would rather stay in the dorm, resting and listening to the English songs, and learning English. In addition, I loved to talk to my Australian friends; it was lots of fun learning English with my Chinese/Cantonese accent. I was happy that I had the opportunity to practice my oral English that I had studied it in my middle school time, and I knew the basics; so, for me, it was not that difficult, compared with my co-workers, who didn't speak English at all. Therefore, I had the privilege of having conversation with our foreign friends. It was very odd to speak English in the beginning, as it was my first time meeting foreigners. In those days, we didn't know much about foreigners.

China had been isolated from the world in the past, or maybe because I was a hometown girl. I didn't know much more English than I do, and I was lucky there were two Philippians who worked in the bar. I got the chance to talk to them often, they didn't speak as perfect English as our foreign friends, and however, they did speak much better than me. Being humble, I made the time to get to know them, and be a close friend with them. Time by time, my English was getting better and I was happy for that. I didn't go home very often. I was eager to have a family, but I didn't know what a good family looked like, since my family and my first ex-husband's family was very controlling. What was a good family like? Were they happy and loving? The Australians became our main customers, and as time went on, we got to know each other well. They were so nice, and they treated us very well. Unlike many other Chinese people, they were very respectful. I didn't know the meaning of respect, if no one respected me, and I never respected others, how would I know what was that? What I don't know I don't know. I only knew I was comfortable having them around. There was an Australian boy, named Rob, who came to our bar every weekend with his friends. He was a young, handsome, nice guy, and he would talk to me every time he came. The more we got to know each other, the more we wanted to spend time together. He would invite me for dinner, to sing Karaoke, play tennis, or hang out in the city of Guangzhou. We liked being together: he taught me English and I taught him Chinese, and I translated for him when he needed me to. One time, he sang a Chinese song to me; it was not perfect, but it was very sweet. Sometimes he waited for me after my work, and walked me to the dorm. One night, he wanted to hold my hand when we walked to my dorm, but I took my hand away from him very fast. I didn't know why I was so scared of had him holding my hands. I started telling him about my story that I had been holding for a while. I was afraid if people knew where I came from, and my story would scare them away from me, so I didn't like to talk about myself. I didn't know that foreigners are very open; they didn't care about what you had gone through in the past but only now and the future. I was holding the shame and guilt inside about being married and having a daughter. He was smiling, and said that was okay, but I thought he was resisting. I was very brave to confess my past to him. I told myself it was okay, but he kept coming to see me, and talked to me as nothing happened.

There was one thing I dislike him: he was young in my first ex-husband's age and I didn't feel the security because of his age. I was worried the same thing would happen to me again, similar to my first ex-husband. I struggled about that. One night, he walked with me and told me that he was sleeping with his best friend's wife. That was shocking news to me, in other words, he scared me away. Since then, I avoided seeing him when he came to the bar. If I didn't accept myself, how could I accept others? He slept with the wife of his best friend, no way! Not for me. I knew that. That was too much for a girl like me in that point of my life to approve him. He kept coming to see me, and bought me very expensive pants when he went to Hong Kong (before 1997, Hong Kong wasn't opened to the mainland China). It was very strict for Chinese people to go and visit Hong Kong; it needed a lot of paperwork, and waited long time to get the visa to visit Hong Kong. Not everyone had that privilege of visiting Hong Kong before it was returned back to China.

I didn't know if he truly liked me, or he was lonely needed a partner or someone to play with. He bought me an engagement ring when he went to Hong Kong; all our friends were supporting us. They said they would pay for our honeymoon if we got married. That was too far from where I was: first, I wasn't officially divorced; second, my mind was closed and not ready to accept him, maybe he wasn't aggressive enough to convince me to marry him; last, he was too young to me. I was very confused at that moment. I didn't know what I wanted in my life, but I knew what I didn't want. He was such a nice guy, and I missed him out in my life. His eyes, smile, love, and caring manner appealed to me sometimes.

I might not ready for a good guy before I knew how to love myself. I comforted myself. His contract for working with his company ended a few months later, and he didn't continue with his work in China. He went back to his country, my co-worker told me. I called him a few times after he had left China went back to Australia, but we lost contact since then. Now, I understood why he bought the ring: he wanted to take me to his country. What I didn't know, I didn't know. I wish him all the best in his life, wherever he is. I am thankful for having him being a part of my memories. After one year working in the hotel, I was nominated as a supervisor to oversee everything. I couldn't work like I used to. I became more serious with my close co-workers and I, life was no longer as before, and I was thinking about changing my job.

EIGHT

I Meet My Boyfriend

Right after I made the decision that, I wanted to change my job while I was confused about my Australian boyfriend. At the same time, I met another male customer who was from the country of Georgia, which belonged to the Soviet Union, East Europe. I didn't know this country existed. I always smiled at our customers. Maybe he was attracted to my smile. He came to the bar very often with his friends, and after a few times, he invited my friends and me went out for dinner when we had a day off. He was a businessperson who had been doing business in China for the past several years; he knew very well the Chinese girls and traditions. He was 38 when I met him, and he was married, but he didn't tell me until we were in a relationship. My impression of him was that he was more mature than my first ex-husband and my Australian friend that was the only thing I looked at. He was not handsome, or even average, in my eyes: he was quite an ordinary guy. He was very tall, about 190 cm, and big, with eyes that seemed not very merciful or honest. I was looking for people who loved and cared about family. Therefore, I

didn't pay too much attention to his appearance.

How did I know my Australian friend didn't love family? I compared him with my first ex-husband just because of his age, and I was assuming they were the same. That was unfair to my Australian friend! My ex-boyfriend knew that my Australian friend liked me. He played his tricks and I was the one who was trapped because I trusted people too easily. I still trust people today, but with my awareness of their motives. My ex-boyfriend was more aggressive in chasing me than my Australian friend did, who seemed to respect me more. My Australian friend cared and loved me more to set me free than to control me; I know that now; it is far too late! My ex-boyfriend came to the bar every day, and talked to me, and offered me a job in his company to have me closed to him. I didn't know his intention at all even though I knew he liked me. I had a very simple and silly mind. The fact was that I had wanted to leave my job where I worked for the past year, and I wanted to change the environment and to learn something new maybe work in an office, or some other job.

I went to visit my ex-boyfriend's company. They made lighters, and exported them to Russia and his country. He told me they needed someone to work in the import and export department, and they provided a dorm too. At that time, we were not in a relationship yet. I knew he liked me, but I didn't think about having a relationship with him. I stopped working in the hotel a few months after I had become a supervisor, and moved to my ex-boyfriend's company. One of my friend's friends, from my hometown, worked there too, but I didn't know how that happened. I felt safer knowing that someone from my hometown worked with me and we would later become friends. She worked in the warehouse, and I worked in the import and export department, dealing with paperwork, importing plastic from Taiwan, exporting to Russia, and the shipping company. My job was like a routine, simple and easy. After work, sometimes my friend and I would go out for dinner where my ex-boyfriend lived.

A few months later, I did not intend to being involved in a relationship with him; I was a very passive person. He waited too long. One night, he called me and said that he was sick, so my friend and I went to visit him at his house to see how he was feeling. He was alone abroad; so, as friends, we cared and wanted to help. We stayed with him that night in his house, but nothing happened; again, I was in a passive mood. After that, we continue our friendship and life was still going on; I worked and ate out. I think he tried hard to figure out how to have me; since, I wasn't someone to be impressed by anyone's fortune, or their looks, or whatever they have. He got to know me very well after four months of him studied in me. There was one night, he called me and said that he needed to go to the emergency room because he was dying. I was scared because I didn't know what happened. I rushed to his house, while helping him, he told me he had a son, who was studying in Poland, and he had a wife who was a lesbian and didn't care about him at all. I felt sorry for him, being alone and working hard for his family. Unaware he was playing on my sympathy I never forgot those words.

Well, what do you do if someone says he was dying? Therefore, I went to the hospital with him, and it was only him and me. There was a rule in China: once a patient was in the hospital, it didn't matter whether you were sick or not, the patients would have to stay there for a complete checkup. I stayed in the hospital with him, and we had sex there. I didn't have any physical need neither was I attracted to him. I didn't know why allowed myself to sexually fall weak and didn't reject him in his moment of weakness, but I did it. After he had all his blood and urine checked, he was normal, very normal, and he was released from the hospital next day. Many years later, when I looked back, I found out that he had planned it! However, I already had a relationship with him, and I knew myself very well: once I had a relationship with someone, I was his and no other. It was not about love, and not about what I needed physically. I was just looking for the security and I felt with him for that moment. Or I just didn't know what I wanted, and that was why I had a physical relationship with someone who I didn't love at all, just because of his age made me feel that I was protected and secure.

Ever since that night at the hospital, my ex-boyfriend and I now was a couple and everyone who worked in the company knew that we were together. I was a person who would lose myself once I was in a relationship, because I liked to please people, and it didn't matter who it was, or whether I loved them or not; I would do my best to please them. One time, I was sick, and I felt so bad that I ran to the hospital. I asked him to come to pick me up after he finished work. When he came, I was late getting outside, and he was very mad that he had to wait for me. At the time, I didn't think of the time when he needed me, and I went to the hospital with him right away, without a second thought, but when I needed him, he had such a bad attitude toward me. I told him I was sorry for making him wait. I wasn't aware of his attitude, didn't think that I could leave him to find a better person or I deserve a better man in my life. Because I thought having physical contact with another would cause other men to question my number of sexual partners and cause them would judge me. I had the same fear that I had before I married my first ex-husband "NO MAN WANTED ME" for having relationship with someone else, especial a foreigner, since our Chinese culture usually is against dating outside our race.

He insisted on visiting, and getting to know my family, to prove that he cared about me, although I didn't want him to. I knew my family wouldn't like him for his nationality and who he was. He wanted to show his prosperity he bought gift to my mother to impress her, however, my family dislike him in spite of his gift. My family could see very clear and already knew what was going to happen. They talked to me many times, and tried to convince me to leave him. I admitted that I was visionless, and I didn't know what I wanted. I did what he wanted me to do: finally, one day, my ex-boyfriend told me to get a divorce from my first ex-husband, and so I could raise my daughter, but I didn't think to say that he should also get a divorce from his wife. I had no questions for him at all, why did I allow him to tell me what to do, but I couldn't tell him what he needed to do? I gave permission to him to torture my life, my body, my soul, and my mind.

I had left my first ex-husband for two or three years without thinking of a divorce. I think, inside my mind, I had the tendency to allow things to sit inside me and let it be, and carrying unresolved problems became my habit and part of me. Maybe I was influenced by my parents' relationship, they were married, but the love had died. I don't think that my first ex-husband wanted to divorce either, but my ex-boyfriend pushed me very hard to get it done. By the way, my ex-boyfriend had a very unstable mood and controlling. I didn't know that his external action was directed by his soul or his heart, we could know the person basic on their behaviors and the language that they used, because the outer is resonated with the inner. I didn't know how I spent those years with him; it was a good thing that he traveled a lot. I became a 100% follower, no thoughts, no feelings, but reactions, reacted to his words and madness, how it worked? There was nothing in common between us. Ah Ha! That was the problem! If there was nothing in common, it was dead. I did everything what he wanted me to do: I got a divorce from my first ex-husband, although he didn't want it, in spite of fighting and upsetting his family and my own family. I did it anyway.

In the beginning, we lived together, but after I had my daughter back, I lived with my daughter. I thought he wanted more freedom to do whatever he liked, or to go around with girls. Again, I allowed it. I had my mother come over to help me take care of my daughter while I worked, even though she didn't want to come living with me because she didn't like my ex-boyfriend at all, although, we didn't live together. She came because I am her daughter. I had my daughter with me, but I didn't spend much time with her, and besides work, I stayed with my ex-boyfriend very often. I left my daughter with my mother all the time, and my daughter cried for me every day. She would hide my purse or hold my leg when she was sleeping, afraid me to leave her. I didn't know what I had in my mind. I just didn't know. I didn't know why I had done that to my daughter. I want to cry at this moment when I am writing this book.

My ex-boyfriend wanted a daughter, but after a year together, I didn't get pregnant. He said, in his country, having a daughter was lucky, so I tried very hard to have a baby for him. I didn't care about my ex-boyfriend's behavior as much as I did to my first ex-husband's; maybe because my first ex-husband was my first man, so I was very concerned about him if he was cheating or not. With my ex-boyfriend, maybe I didn't love him, so I didn't care; I had no idea what I was thinking. Why would I want a baby with him just because he wanted a baby? I started seeing doctors and wondering why I couldn't get pregnant. I got all the tests done and took all the advice from the doctor, and everything came out normal. My doctor prescribed me a lot of Chinese medicine and many other things together. My desire to have a daughter for him was very strong, and I did what the doctor told me to for about half a year. Certainly, no one knows my hard work for trying hard to have his baby.

Finally, I got pregnant. I wasn't very happy; actually, I had no feelings. I thought I was dead. He arranged everything, and he did what he wanted. He was very happy, and started to plan the future of my daughter. My second daughter was born in Mexico because he wanted my daughter to have a Mexican passport. He prepared all the paperwork for a visa, for me to stay in Mexico. To me, I didn't know what was the advantage of having a Mexican passport. I was happy and proud of being Chinese, and had no thoughts about moving or immigrating to another country. I didn't know if that was because of his insecurity for being Georgian, or I just wasn't able to compare it with another country. What I don't know, I don't know.

The first time flying to the capital city of China, Beijing, made me realize that I didn't like being in the air. During the two and half-hour flight to Beijing, I felt dizzy and sick. The first time, I felt a different kind of cold from the North of China compared to Canton South of China. Getting the visa went smoothly; he knew someone who worked in the embassy. I just needed to show the paperwork and show up at the embassy. I would have to leave my family and my older daughter after I had all my paperwork done. It was the first time I had a passport, and I never thought that I would ever have one, or fly anywhere, far away from my country. I arranged for my mother and my older daughter to stay with my brother and my sister in-law, so they could help each other. My daughter was crying very hard. I thought my heart must have been made of iron, or I got it from somewhere. During the time I went to Mexico, my ex-boyfriend supported my mother and my daughter, as I wasn't able to find a job in Mexico because I didn't have a working visa. I didn't need to worry about my mother and my daughter because they were being taken care of by my brother in the city of Guangzhou.

I wasn't very excited about going to Mexico; it was one country I had not thought about going to visit. I didn't know what Mexico looked like, or what the Mexicans were like; it was unknown, everything was unknown to me. I went just because my ex-boyfriend wanted me to. Flying to Mexico was my first international flight. I stopped in Amsterdam, and from there I flew to Mexico City. I stayed in Amsterdam for one night, my first time I had seen so many black people together; I was very scared, and asked myself why they were so dark. They were very nice and smile to me. People are people, we are all the same, and we are one big human family. People looked at me and asked if I was Japanese. I told them proudly I was Chinese. After a long, 12-hour flight, I had talked with some people, ate, and slept, and finally arrived in Mexico. First time once more, I had ever seen Mexicans, compared with Chinese they were a little different: the color, the eyes, the face...there were some things I remember Mexicans, their smiles, they like parties, like to say "Te Amor" which means "I love you". I felt very unusual; there was no one who said they love me before them.

I lived in the city of Cuernavaca, Morelos, Mexico, a beautiful place. It was a residential complex, where only about 12 families lived in a gated community, with a swimming pool, tennis court, and clubhouse, and it was peaceful, clean, and safe. Everyone knew each other. A few days later right after I arrived, it was Christmas, and all the neighbors got together for a Christmas party in the clubhouse. Again, my first time at a Christmas party and it was very interesting. They shared their grapes with every family: 12 grapes in a bag, per family. My neighbors were very nice and sweet Mexicans; they were friendly, lovely, and beautiful women. Another first time I felt the love of a family, a loving and happy family.

While I was waiting for my baby to be born, I went to school to learn Spanish. Everything was new to me. First time...nonstop accompanied me became my best friend, learning and accepting everything encounter in my life and now I was not longer virgin of knowing the outside world. I was only a hometown girl, and I liked simple and easy things, and being in my comfort zone. I let my ex-boyfriend positioned me anywhere he wanted, living the life he wanted, going anywhere he wanted, doing anything he wanted, having a baby that he wanted...why did I allow other people to decide my life? I was fully living according to my ex-boyfriend's plans, not mine. I lose myself.

Life in Mexico was more interesting than in China. The Mexican food was delicious, the people were very friendly, the place was beautiful, flowers and greenery filled in my eyes everywhere I went. I enjoyed learning Spanish, parties every weekend in the school, the food, the drink, the dancing, the music, and spending time with my beautiful neighbors because they were always nice to me. My neighbors would take me to the doctor, shopping, and anywhere...Life was good without my ex-boyfriend. I didn't want to think of him, as he was angry all the time. I talked to my daughter very often, knowing that she was doing well in school, and my mother was doing well. I didn't talk to my ex-boyfriend that much, and I didn't miss him either. I didn't know what I was doing; I was very confused for being away from everything and everyone still being happy.

Everything was going well: my pregnancy was normal, and my daughter was healthy. I went to the doctor every month, and I met some Chinese friends. I didn't miss China at all. I didn't miss the people, the Chinese food, the tea, or the environment...just my family. I am a person, who didn't like to change from my environment, so why didn't I miss my country? It was very strange when I think of it. My second daughter Nino was born on May 24, 1999, at noon. I was glad that my neighbor took care of everything for me: she contacted my doctor, took me to the hospital, and accompanied me in the hospital. I am very grateful, for having them as my Mexican family.

In four days, I went back home, and my ex-boyfriend came after a week or two. I didn't remember, and it wasn't matter to me if I had him or not. He became invisible to me. He stayed in Mexico for about two weeks or one month, and he didn't like how I looked physique after having the baby. I was not as beautiful as before, but he never stopped to think, after being pregnant for nine months, and having just delivered my daughter two weeks ago before that, I wouldn't look like I had before, with a skinny body. I didn't have any reaction; I just felt numb.

We spent time with our neighbors and had dinner together, and my neighbors and her two daughters drove us to Acapulco. It was my first time seeing the ocean. I was very excited. It was beautiful! I was a virgin again to my environment; everything was new to me, and while my neighbor took care of my daughter, my ex-boyfriend and I, and my friends, leap into the water. The sand was hot; the water was warm; the waves were big; the sky was blue it was just beautiful. We played the waves together back and forth one and others, jumping and laughing, and playing and playing. I forgot everything and enjoying that moment. Suddenly, my feet couldn't touch the bottom, and my body was sinking. When I looked around, I saw that my friends were struggling in the water, just like me, and we were far away from the shore. I was screaming. I grabbed one of my friend's leg, and I held on. For survival mood, I tried to hold on something to feel safe. She was screaming, "Suelta me, Irene, Suelta me, Irene" over and over, and I kept holding her leg didn't let go. I was scared to die! They called me Irene, the name my ex-boyfriend had given me. Why I used the name was not me. I don't use that name anymore. I didn't know what to do, and I wasn't a good swimmer. My ex-boyfriend threw us, one by one, against the waves, closer before the waves came, then back to the same place. still very far away from the shore...We were screaming for help "Ayudarme! Ayudarme!" I thought I was dying. A few minutes later, someone saved us. I couldn't breathe when I got to the shore; I was exhausted, and still felt the fear of floating in the ocean. First time I realized the power of nature, non-stoppable.

I had no thoughts in those moments of being closer to death, and it was not my first time. My first time was in the river in my hometown, and my little girlfriend saved me. The second time was in the lake in the city, and my first ex-husband saved me. Now, in the ocean, ex-my boyfriend saved me. I am very grateful for being alive today and very thankful for my girlfriend, my first ex-husband, and my ex-boyfriend, all the people who saved my life. Thank you; I love you all!

After we had all the paperwork done for my daughter, he named my daughter without any of my input or opinion. Maybe he thought my daughter only belonged to him, and I was the tool he used to get her, obviously, I was. My ex-boyfriend left, and a few months later, I took my six-month-old daughter back to China. He used his company's name and bought a house in the city of Panyu, Canton China where we were going to live. I never asked for or cared about that; he was not only doing everything that he wanted without any of my input or opinion, also, he kept all my daughter's and my paperwork, plus passport, at his company, so I couldn't have access to it. He didn't even ask me for permission; he did what he liked. Respect plays such an important role in life; however, everything he did made me uncomfortable because I didn't feel his respect. I trusted people all the time, so I didn't ask any questions of him at all. My older daughter moved back with me right after I came back to China; she had grown up taller and bigger. She loved her sister so much, and she was a sweet, loving girl, who I hadn't made time to get to know, and to be with. If I didn't know about myself, how could I know her? If I didn't know that I needed to get to know myself, how would I know that I needed to get to know her? Instead of focusing on my older daughter's childhood and growing up, I was more focused on my reactions to my ex-boyfriend and didn't put enough energy into her changes in her life.

I like being comfortable and natural looking, but my ex-boyfriend always pushed me to wear high heels, a dress, and makeup. I was okay with wearing heels and a dress, but I hated painting my face with full of the chemicals; it was very uncomfortable to me. He liked me to look nice when I went out with him, and I felt if I wasn't good looking, he would just dump me. I had a hard time understanding what he wanted; he was insecure in a certain way. I think after being aware of the differences of the culture, the language, the education, and he being from another country...I now felt very odd when we were together. Sometimes we had nothing to talk about, even though he wasn't at home often. I allowed him to put me down, and he liked to laugh at my older daughter and me. I didn't know how to protect myself and my daughter. His constant verbal abuse and control made me feel I didn't know what to do. I didn't think about our future but did my best to love my kids.

My second daughter and I traveled to Mexico again for some of her paperwork, and I left my mother and my older daughter one more time for half a year. I was used to the life in Mexico; I missed my friends, my neighbors, and the Mexican food, which made me easy to gain weight. Traveling became part of my life; nevertheless, I couldn't say whether I liked it or not. I only did what I needed to do.

Being too humble and passive have me become like a dog, whoever fed me I appreciated them without thinking about their motives. In other words, I was stupid!

When, I came back to China, my ex-boyfriend didn't want my mother staying with us, and he asked me to let her go home. I felt so bad that my mother had taken care of my daughter and now I had to kick her out. My mother wanted to stay with us, and my older daughter was crying for her staying, but I didn't know what to do. I did what my ex-boyfriend wanted. Thinking of myself, am I a good daughter? I think, I am an animal more than a human being who has lost her identity, with no heart, no feeling, but like a machine. I lost myself. I didn't know who I was. How could I do that to my mother? My own mother, who gave me birth, raised me, helped me, cared about me, the only one who loved me, and was always there for me when I needed her, she never rejected me, not even once, and now, I was kicking her out of my house. I felt that I just used my mother and took advantage of her. I became someone who I was not, or was that the real me. If so, what were my ethics? Is this coming from my ex-boyfriend because that was what he wanted? At present, my spiritual guide was telling me it is extremely crucial for me to have a positive relationship with uplifting companions, not like how my ex-boyfriend was with causing me to handling the situation with my mother. They either uplift you to the heaven or push you down to the hell. If I don't know where is heaven where is hell, how do I know where I should go and what I like? Although I was still financially supporting my mother, I still felt very bad for my wrongdoing. I asked for forgiveness from my mother who is in heaven now. I love you, Mother. You are the best mother in the universe

NINE

Living Hell

My second daughter, Nino, got attention from everyone, anywhere she went; she was such a special girl, who was born with all things good. She had a teacher who taught her the Georgian language, who she played with, and visited the entertainment park every week...everyone was focused on her. Life was going on, and after two years, my ex-boyfriend wanted to add another child. I didn't know why he wanted another child. He had a son, and I had my older daughter, but he wanted a third baby. Again, because that was what he wanted, I worked on it.

A few months later, I was pregnant. I had no idea why, but I had many heavy reactions to my third pregnancy, maybe it was my age, or my health, or my emotions. My ex-boyfriend never went to visit the doctor with me nor comforted me once, neither stayed with me during my pregnancy. He didn't care how I felt about having a baby for him. I think, as human beings, we should all have feelings for one another, particularly when you carry a baby for nine months for him; however, he didn't. I don't know if I was just use to being ignored by others, like my family and my first ex-husband, or it was just that I didn't ask for anything, and I accepted whatever it was, and that was okay for me.

During my pregnancy, we traveled to Russia, and his country, Georgia, and he would leave me with his parents or his relatives for a doctor visit, or other issues. This wasn't my first time met my second daughter's grandparents and they were such a beautiful old couple, very old but very active. My second daughter's grandpa was 96 years old when I first met him and grandma was a beautiful, happy, and elder woman. He would have walked his granddaughter to the park. They were healthy, kind, caring, loving, and very mindful, and I felt full of love for them. I was very confused why their son had not inherited a little goodness from them.

We spent about one month in Georgia. I was very sick; in such cold weather, I had a sore throat and dry eyes, and my bladder didn't function well. I didn't go out at all but stayed home with my second daughter and her grandparents. I helped them with some of the cooking. The food in Georgia was very organic at that time, as Georgia was an underdeveloped country. Sometimes they would run out of water or electricity, like in the early 70s in China. Georgians are very nice people, but with a bad temper, and they don't know how to control themselves very well. I know what I know, and I only refer to people who I have met, not to all. I love all of them.

We went back to China. My ex-boyfriend and his brother were planning to open a business in Russia, so he was busy and didn't have much time to think of our second daughter's future. My third daughter, Anna, was born in the city of Panyu, Canton China. My daughter came out very healthy, and that was one thing I was grateful for; however, my health wasn't very good after I delivered my third daughter. I visited doctors very often for my sore throat and my stomach, and after taking many antibiotics, my health went to hell, my immune system was very low, and I was very sick. My mother was the only one who was around me, came to take care of me, and gave me attention. I wasn't appreciated toward my mother and for what I had at the moment. The good thing was that we had my mother, and another woman, to help with my daughters and take care of everything. My ex-boyfriend came to China after a month or so. We hadn't even talked by phone, and it had looked like he had disappeared from our lives.

His friend, who worked in his office, came to visit when my daughter was one month old. He visited us often and took my daughters to the park, and we went out for dinner. I never had that luxury life in my childhood, so I wasn't interested in going out to the park or eating out, only when I needed to. Otherwise, I liked being home. After my ex-boyfriend came home, I was sure that he would love our kids in a certain way. In the evening, I fell asleep very fast because I was tired, but he couldn't sleep. He was tossing and turning in the bed. I thought maybe it was the jet lag, but I didn't really know what that was at that time. Maybe it was the different time zone; nevertheless, I didn't pay much attention to that. Two or three hours passed by, but he still couldn't sleep, and he woke me up and I knew he had something to say. Something was bothering him. He told me that he met a girl in Moscow, and they were in a relationship. I couldn't believe it; however, I had no big reaction to his words. He fell asleep after saying what he had to say, but it was my turn, and I couldn't sleep. I didn't know what to do in this situation.

I wasn't thinking about myself but my daughters. I talked to him very peacefully in the beginning, to see if it was possible that I could have my daughters with me in China, and he could take my daughters to travel or visit their grandparents every year. Nevertheless, he didn't like my idea, was very mad at me, and said that he needed his daughters. Obviously, I didn't care about his opinion or feelings at all, or if he had other women. I didn't know if it was because I was still recovering in my health, or I just had no more energy or feelings for him, regardless of his behavior. I had no more fear of him and faced the facts of my current situation. There was one evening I was crying in the family hall, and my mother heard my sobbing. She came out to me and asked if my ex-boyfriend had hit me. My poor mother was seeing me suffering, and she wanted to protect me and help me, but I was so numb that I didn't know what to do. I couldn't feel my mother's love because I was full of sorrow within.

My ex-boyfriend didn't visit my daughters often before he left for Russia. One time, when he came to visit, I was very mad; he told me if I couldn't find another guy who would want to be in a relationship with me, I could have an animal. I didn't know exactly what he had meant by his comment, yet I knew that wasn't good. He was very mad and crazy when he left because I disagree with what he wanted me to do, and I grabbed the ceramic teacup on the table and threw it at him. He came back and fought with me. I had dared to fight with him, even though he was 6.2 feet tall. He grabbed me like a chicken, and held me up in the air shaking me powerfully. I felt the pain traveling through my body, but it was more hurtful on the inside, and of course, he wouldn't care. He wasn't like my first ex-husband who tried to protect me, but he wanted to hurt me.

I talked to my brother and sister-in-law about my situation. My sister-in-law was a businessperson, and she had more life experience and idea than I had, and wanted to help me out from my situation. She gave me many ideas on what to do; she was such an amazing woman. We thought of renting a small house and living together in another city, to help each other and raise our kids together; so, we went to look at many houses to see how to make it work. The first reaction for most traditional Chinese women is to consider the kids, and to be with the kids, no matter what. I didn't think of this in my first marriage. I had thought about it from a different perspective, more about myself than anyone else had. However, even though I thought about my kids this time, it didn't work out. We didn't think about the one-child policy in China at that time; we were busy thinking of what to do and how to do it. We had focused on the solutions rather than analyze the whole situation, and we made this mistake often. After struggling to look for a house from here to there, I was also looking for a job to support my family.

My ex-boyfriend came back one more time to see my daughters. He didn't stay long in the house, and my second daughter, Nino, was crying very hard, non-stop wanted to be with her father; they had a very close relationship, and my daughter was very attached to him. I saw that my daughter was crying for something that I couldn't give, and it broke my heart; it was very painful. At that moment, I had another thought: maybe I could give up myself to move with him to his country, so my daughters could see their father. That was the decision Chinese women will do, they will scarify their freedom for their kids. This thought was sitting in my mind for a while. I wanted my daughters to grow up in a healthy environment full of love and care from our family. Then, I told myself, what was done, was done, and that previous relationship would never happen again.

I was searching for something from the outside, and I couldn't handle myself well. One of my friends who was worried about me and took me out clubbing one night, and I stayed at her house, close by where I lived. The woman who worked in my house was leaving to go to her hometown for some family issue, but I thought she wouldn't leave if I didn't come home. Nevertheless, she did leave. I had left my three daughters at home alone that night; my youngest daughter was less than one-year-old. When I came home, I saw my daughters messing up the house, and my heart was broken. I didn't know why or how I could have done that. Was that my excuse for revenging, what their father did to me? I was not only losing my mind but also my heart. I didn't know how to handle the negative energy within...My ex-boyfriend stopped my financial support, and the lady who worked for my family left.

It was time for Nino to go to school. She was such a beautiful and smart girl, and wanted to learn, but I couldn't afford the school where we lived. I sent her to the school somewhere close by, but I didn't trust those people. It was not a clean place, nor a good location; that was the only place where I could afford. There was no way I could have my two daughters in a normal school for the one child policy. I was worried about their future. My oldest daughter went back to my city where her family lived. Her family was very nice to her, and they arranged everything for her school so she was able to continue her education, without any obstacles or struggling. I had my aunt come over to help me take care of my other two daughters so I could work. I didn't make good money, since I was busy with having kids and didn't have much work experience; after half a year, my savings were almost gone. Living in an expensive place; meanwhile, I was still recovering my health. I had tried some sales jobs, meeting other people, and seeking help from outside; however, I didn't have much social skill. It wasn't a good idea to put myself out, based

on the situation I was in being vulnerable for other to take advantage. My immune system was so weak that I had a cold every week. My throat was swollen, and I couldn't talk. I went to see the specialist, and he advised me to have surgery. My physical, emotion, and mental shut down, completely. It must also have effected to my spirit. I didn't know about spirit at that time, but I am very thankful that spirit was always with me, and never gave up on me. I couldn't take any more for many reasons.

I gave up! I called my ex-boyfriend's friend to take my daughters to their place. He knew everything that had happened, and he didn't want my daughters to live without their mother, but my ex-boyfriend wouldn't listen to him, or his parents. He was having fun in his life at that time, which was none of my business. I picked up my daughters' stuff, and I sent my daughters to their place, where they would be good taken care of by the woman who took care of them before. If you asked me how I felt, I was numb, like a mummy. I remained only an empty shell. Why I was still alive? I questioned myself. I sent my aunt home, and right after that, I went to have an appointment with my doctor to schedule time for my surgery. Everything was fine, and I stayed five days in the hospital by myself. I didn't want to bother anyone else in my life, especially my family; it was too much for them.

I started looking for a place for healing, so I went to a Catholic church in the city of Guangzhou, which didn't help me that much. What they wanted me to do was to stay with my kids and be submissive. I left the church, feeling helpless. I continued to visit the church for the next few months and tried to feel calm and peace. My ex-boyfriend called me one time, but I didn't want to talk to him anymore, enough was enough. A month later, the woman called me and said that my daughters had left China to Georgia with their father. Yes, he could do anything he wanted to. He had all their paperwork, and this was what he wanted. I had insomnia, I cried, and was shock, all of which were very normal when dealing with such a situation and living in an empty shell. My family and friends were worried about me, but they didn't know how to help me. There was no one who could help, and no one could feel how I felt. I stayed by myself in the house, and I didn't want to see anyone or go anywhere. I didn't know what to do.

I wanted to die! Why had this happened to me? Why me? I was so ashamed. How was I going to handle it all? I started to worry about how other people would look at me, or think of me again. They would gossip about me, and laugh at me...and not only about me, my family too. I was ashamed of myself for what I had created in my life. It was too much...my sky was dark, my heart was dying, and my body was hurt all over...I was surrounded by sadness, shame, and guilt of myself. I had no energy to do anything, no direction, no thoughts, no light... too much! I exclaimed.

One day, I came back from the church. I saw a guy who had only one limb, and he was very happy, talking with his family and friends at the bus station. Despite walking with only one limb, he was very happy and comfortable. I looked at him and looked at myself. I looked at his face, and then I imagined how my face looked like, liked a bitter melon, liked poison. Suddenly, I asked myself what I have been missing in my life. What had been wrong in my life? If someone with only one limb was very happy, then why couldn't I be happy? I have two limbs. Shouldn't I be twice as happy as he should? At least, I still have my family: my parents, my brothers, and my older daughter, and my other relatives who love and care about me. Why would I want to die for something or someone who was not here with me? I turned away and walked home with a smile, a smile that had been lost for a long time. My body was much lighter, and when I went home, I had the first good night's sleep I'd had since things had happened in the last several months. I started looking for a job to survive. It didn't take me long to find a job close to where I lived. I still lived in the same house where my kids and I used to live. I knew, eventually, I would be kicked out of that house, so I decided to go back home with my family, where I didn't want to live in the beginning...

After a lot of reflecting back on my life during those months, something struck my mind again about my mother who had a very hard life. I knew and understood her feelings very well now. I just had difficulty getting close or getting along with her, with the way she talked, and the way she loved.

My family's house in the city hadn't changed that much; however, mother fixed the house in our hometown village which was where she wanted to live to be more comfortable, yet she endured staying in the city because of my older daughter. So much trouble I had brought to my mother, she took everything without any complaining. I was in pain and didn't know what to do. My brothers wanted to find my ex-boyfriend and talk to him or threaten him, or maybe do something bad to him. I didn't want my brothers to get in trouble because of me, so I told them, as long as he took care of my two daughters, I would be fine. I didn't hurry to find a job, as I didn't pay rent to live in my mother's house. I could do so much in my city where I lived, but my mind was blocked, and I couldn't think straight. Even with private classes of English and Spanish, my mind didn't function well. I didn't go out with any friends; I only stayed home where I previously didn't want to stay in my teenage years.

It didn't take me a long time or much effort to find a job. My best friend drove me for an interview where I got the job as an English interpreter working in import and export for a small, family-owned manufacturer produced garments. It was mainly exporting to Europe, and they needed someone who spoke English. My main job was to contact our customers and develop new customers; it was an easy job. I moved to the dorm rather than traveling daily to where I worked. I visited my older daughter every week, and we spent time in the city, in the park, eating in the restaurant, and playing badminton. My older daughter got used to the life in the city and she was happy. My job was good, easy, and had a lot of free time. I spent a lot of time online, sending tons of emails, and looking for new customers every day. I was tired, but I was trying to find a better way to find customers, so I tried to talk to many people as I could. I went online and talked to people. Then I met this one guy through ICQ, at that time, and I would later marry and he would become my second ex-husband. Newly married, one of my friend who knew of my ex-boyfriend, contacted me, and she mentioned my daughters. I was tired of people feeling sorry for me, the mistakes that I had made, and for everything that had happened in my life. Yet I always cried when people mentioned it. It was so sad that I couldn't live with my own kids, and I couldn't hold the tears back. It was not about what I wanted; it was about who I was. My friend told me that she met my ex-boyfriend, and she told me something about my daughters' life in their country. She told me how smart and beautiful they were; and in the end, she said that if I would like to go to visit my daughters, their father was going to sponsor me with all the expenses, and she would accompany me as well. As a mother, having a heart dying to see her kids, I said yes. I wanted to see them so bad, and without thinking, right after, I said yes. Then, I regretted it.

My intuition told me that it was not right. You are married, and you are responsible for your husband. Then, I took a minute to think, and yes, I was responsible for my marriage. I knew if I made the trip to see my daughters, I wouldn't make it back to China, or the United States of America. I knew myself very well, and I already saw what was going to happen. I would no longer controlled by my ex-boyfriend. I loved my daughters deeply, like any mothers, but I knew that they were well taken care of by their grandparents, and had their life in their country. I was always worried, but I hoped for the best for them, and I prayed for them every day. Therefore, I told my friend that I wouldn't go see my daughters.

Not long ago, when I was in my meditation, I was asking for the purpose of my life, and my daughters' grandma came to me, telling me that my job was to take care of my daughters. I told her to look back at what had happened in the past that the things were not like what her son had told her, and since then, she didn't come to me. I love her. She was such a beautiful, kind, loving, an amazing woman.

My older daughter left in 2013 and came back in 2014, the same year I decided to leave my second ex-husband. I was free, so I was thinking about visiting my two daughters, and I told my older daughter about my idea. I told her I would like her to go with me, and she was undecided, finally, she decided to go with me. I no longer knew my daughters, and three weeks visiting was too long to stay. We hadn't seen one another for twelve years. I thought, because we hadn't seen each other for so many years, that it would be good for us to stay longer; however, I made a mistake. I could feel that my daughters were manipulated by their father, the first day we arrived. He had a talk with me and told me to say sorry to my daughter and I did, after I did ask why, I did nothing wrong. He also told my daughter what to say to me. He was the one in the middle controlling my daughter and me. Once I realized that, I was very aware, and started to observe instead of reacting. He was very mad at my youngest daughter, and hit her in front of me. I knew it wasn't about my daughter; it was him.

He wanted my daughters to go to the United States to study for a better future, and he started pushing me very hard to have the paperwork done. I felt threatened by him. What he wanted was no longer my business, but I didn't get my daughters' paperwork done for the United States. I left my job and that was when I started my personal growth.

He had another thought, which was to apply for a European passport for my second daughter, so she could study in England. He asked me if I could visit Greece to have the paperwork done for my second daughter's European passport. I did it for my daughter because she needed it, since I didn't start the paperwork here in the U.S. So, I had booked the air ticket and a place to stay, and everything was set. Then my second daughter asked me if I knew that she was not going to Greece, and I told her I would still go for her paperwork. When my flight stopped in London, I got an email from my second daughter, which said, "Mother, are you okay? Are you agreeing with what father said?" At that very moment, I knew something was not right. My conscious knew that something wasn't right, and then I stopped. I didn't want to waste my time and energy to think and worry about the situation or being tricked by ex-boyfriend under any circumstance as before.

I emailed my second daughter and said that I wouldn't see her father in Greece. My intuition was telling me that something was wrong. I had created many negative thoughts in my mind during my flight from London to Athena, once I had the negative thought, I knew what that was, and I stopped it right away instead of allowing it to fool me and I knew who he was. I decided not to see him, and got him out of my thoughts and enjoyed my trip to Greece. It was my first trip traveling by myself to Europe, and I met beautiful people, and had a very good time in Greece. I loved Greece. Where I stayed, AIRBNB, there was a lawyer, and I asked him about the passport issue. He guided me to the police station close by where I could get some information. I was very grateful meeting so many nice people although they didn't speak English, they helped me in anyway. I sew light and love everywhere I went. The police officer told me that my daughter only needed her ID, in order to apply for her passport, and my daughter would have to be present and it was not necessary for my ex-boyfriend to be there. From that, I knew my ex-boyfriend

had another unknown plan, but I no longer cared. I had the best trip ever in my life in Greece.

A few months ago, I was talking to my youngest daughter, Anna, on Face book. The message that I got back, I knew it came from her father, and I had the same feeling from 15 years ago when things happened. I know my body has the memories from my past, and it reacts, even after 15 years. I had switched my mindset, but the root is within. The power of the past negative energy is unpredictable effect everyone's life invisibly. I never paid attention to negative energy, its pain and suffer, instead of making peace with it. I allowed it wobbled me. I won't allow anyone take advantage of me, for any reason, unless I am willing.

TEN

I Love Life

What's done, is done. There is no right or wrong, good or bad, should or shouldn't. Everything happened, and it happened for a reason, an invisible reason that we can't touch or see. It fell into the place where it was supposed to be, and we are responsible for it directly or indirectly. There is nothing or anyone to blame. Whatever took place, it took place. We manifested and attracted everything in our life, whether we want it or we don't. Let's make peace with it, accepted the way it is, and embrace it to be part of our life. We are all naughty kids in this lifetime, we grew by making mistakes, and everyone is doing their best according to their knowledge.

One and half years ago, I was thinking about writing a book, merely thinking about it, and by thinking about it, and talking about it, with myself and others, finally, I am on my last chapter. Once you create a thought, a good thought, keep it in mind and remind yourself that is what you want, and it will come true. There is nothing magical, simply just to keep a great positive mind! I spent one week writing nine chapters, finally, last chapter, I am having a harder time thinking it over. Everything comes to me, like in a movie, showering down in front of me, from now to when I was a little girl.

I was never being a child. I was treated as a little adult as my mother was treated an adult by my grandparents. I received this pattern from my mother, and I treated my daughter as an adult. Rather than allowed my daughter made mistake learning by doing I forced her to do how I did, when she couldn't do the way I wanted I was disappointed with her. She was very tired of pleasing me to make me happy because no matter what she did, I wasn't happy. I set my expectation according to my standard demanding others. My life was miserable. All my life, I was looking for the love that I didn't have within, from my mother to all my ex-relationships, and I never thought I needed to love myself first so that I could attract love to me. What I got from my parents, I gave out to my daughter by duplicated their pattern. Out of everything that happened, simply negative one remained. Why negative? Why do I remember the pain and suffering, something that I didn't want or ever wanted in life? Rather than make peace with them I hold them inside me to remind myself that was not what I wanted, by building a wall to against myself. Aha...the law of

attraction. I attracted what I didn't want because I permitted them to sit inside me, and I let it become part of me, telling the universe I didn't want them, brought them to me. That was how I manifested my dramas in my life: by holding my past with me and nurture them with my emotions. Yes, I have the power to free myself from the past negative energy. The universe is changing every second, as well as our thoughts, our emotions, our bodies; keep engaging to the universe with the positive energy that radiate you. There is not a single thing occurring twice under the same circumstance, with the same result.

I am in my middle aged, and for a woman of my age in the old days in China. I was considered an old woman; by working hard in the field, under the sun often, the skin would be very dark, dry, and full of wrinkles, like a raisin, it was very hard work. My loving mother had a husband but was without a man. She worked full time as a father and mother, and might have needed a shoulder when she was tired, or someone to care for her and love her. There was no time for her to take a deep breath, but she continued her beliefs from my grandparents, work hard and save money. My mother's strong character, and her attitude, was why my father stepped away from her and because of her relationship with my grandpa. In my younger age, when I visited my aunt, my mother's older sister, she told me that my mother was in her house when my grandpa passed away. My father was the oldest son in the family, and my mother was supposed to be the one who arranged and took care of everything for the funeral of my grandpa rather than leaving it up to my aunt and other relatives. At this point, I comprehended my father's attitude towards my mother. I believe in Karma before I started my journey for everything that had happened in my life, however, when I looked back in the bottom. There is not of that kind. I do believe in cause and effect, life comes around goes around, we are going to receive what we gave out. Deeply I don't believe that my grandpa would do anything to harm his grand-kids, be convinced by Karma I thought my life went wrong for my mother's wrong doing to my grandpa for many years, the fact I know my mother very well. She created everything through her mind like everyone did. I released my belief system of Karma; instead, I am confidence in myself. When we leave this corporeal world, our body that is our shadow or ego return to this Mother Earth; our souls back to the celestial world; and our spirits back to the spiritual world. Karma is created by humanity! We don't even want to remember what happened yesterday and the past why we want to waste our time and energy for the past lifetimes, as we have been in this earth for million years...if you believe so, which year do you want to remember? By doing the right thing all the time, be honest with yourself and others, and treat others how you want to be treated... overall is to free from our ego that we carry. The universe is one, one big family. Karma is a mental sickness, humanity consistence looks back what we have done wrong in the past, and compare with others, and we feel guilt for our wrongdoing. That is the reason why forgiveness is critical, we judge and blame on our behaviors. When we look at the whole picture about life, we will be able to find the answer and see the fact. Dare to be right! Dare to be true!

If my parents had got divorced, my brothers' lives, as well as my own, would have been a different story; early 70s in China, there were no divorce cases, not in the village where I lived. I would rather have had my parents get divorced than lived in the same house together, living in a place with dense air couldn't breathe through, plus the air in the city is polluted. Every of my family member possess their thoughts, no one seeks for solution but threw out their negative energy to one and others. Keep building up more and more problems. My mother didn't like us getting close to my father, so maybe that was one of the reasons I didn't have a good relationship with him; however, I visited my father very often when I was in China. We didn't have much to talk about, considering that we didn't spend a lot of time together when I was little and in my adulthood. He is a healthy father, who knows how to love himself very well; even today, in his 80s, he looks very good, and is very healthy, which I am very grateful for. After a long conversation with my father a week ago, when I visited China, I learned for the first time that my father is a very nice, understanding, and easygoing kind man, who has a loving and beautiful heart. I knew my father through my mother, and I was living in the shadow of my mother, but I held my heart close to my father.

More than 40 years later, I have such a deep connection with my father, and feel that I am part of him. I am grateful for this visit, being

a person who cares about my family.

How could I love my family before I knew how to love myself? I only wanted to escape from my family. By remembering where I came from, I saw the root cause of why I became today. I didn't see that I love my family by heart but self-center. I didn't know if I was too busy with the drama that I created, the problems that I made, or I was too busy dealing with my emotions, or I didn't know what mattered to me, for whatever reasons. By awakening from the level of humanity, it has me changed how I looked at the world and myself. Human life is a belief system of our soul's life: we become what we believe, and that belief is made up by people's thoughts.

Since I was controlled all my life, I didn't know how not to be controlled, and I was seeking to be controlled by others in order to feel secure. I had the misconception that this was love. I was under the influence of my family and the environment, but I didn't know why I became, who I was. The more I learn about myself, how energy works. And how the environment has a massive impact on people's lives, the more I am aware of the energy around me, and I see things more clearly: humanity, Mother Nature, the spiritual world, and the whole Universe.

I was embarrassing what I did to my first ex-husband. Madly wanted to cut someone's penis is not a great thing to share, but I did, and I have to admit that. I thank to my first ex-husband for protecting me, and himself; otherwise, I would get in trouble for cutting his penis off. I didn't have the right to harm anyone, although all the anger and hatred came from him, and I took everything in and allowed it to become part of me. I should have had control of my behavior. If I allow myself to hurt or harm anyone, it means I allow others to do the same to me and to others.

Half a year ago, my daughter was planning to come back to continue her school. For this reason, my first ex-husband called me to apologize for what he had done to me during our marriage. He said he wanted to say "sorry" to me for very long time but didn't get a chance, and I told him that one hand can't clap. I didn't want him carries guilt about me in his life, what is done is done. He told me how much he worried about my daughter, and I ignored his worries regard to my daughter coming back to the States; he was worried, and he wanted me to worry. He is full of guilt for not spending time and supporting my daughter in her childhood, and he wants to compensate it back now. It is never too late to give love, real love. My oldest daughter went through, oversaw, and experienced everything with me. I know that everything that happened to me will have impact on my daughter's life under any circumstance. She will not be aware of it now, as she is busy with her school and her work, but she will when she is ready. It is not easy to explain to people who are not on the same page as you are; she sees things in a different perspective,

or in a simple way, on the surface. I hope she will be calm and peaceful enough to find out where she came from one day, the root cause of her pain and suffering that has made her who she is today. That is her journey she needs to experience.

She was back and forth between the United States and China to continue her education at the University of California, in the city of Irvine. She came to see me for some paperwork for her school, without having any conversation, or seeing each other, for the past year. I know where I came from, and who I am, and I could feel that her attitude toward me was one of dissatisfaction with who she saw. I was telling what happened to me, but for her, she might think that I don't care about her. She was waiting for what she wanted to hear from me, lack of communication keeps us apart, and she makes her own assumption from her image of me. Although I could be standing right in front of her, she won't ask me questions but makes up her own answers, or creates her own illusion about me basic on what she knows me in the past. We all do that because we are living in the past. We know what we know. I know she is on her journey: a journey of learning and growing. And I know I was very controlling of those years when my daughter lived with me. Yes, I took good care of her, but I had to admit, to set your love one free with guidance and allow them to become who he or she is, allow them to fall to make mistakes, doing without knowing is part of life to experience!

As I grew up in China, we were taught that we couldn't do many things, based on the experience and stories from old generation, our families, neighbors, and society. The 5,000 years of history, passed down from generation to generation, was hard to escape. Many Chinese don't live the way that they want but for family, we thought that was the way it is. My family wasn't very traditional, considering that Hakka people moved from the North to the South. We lost many traditional customs after moving here and there, and settling in the small village where I was born.

My first ex-husband's family is more traditional than my family; however, my daughter lived with my mother much longer than with her grandma. My mother was very good taking care of my daughter. They were healthy and happy, and my mother focused her energy on my brother and me, because we were troublemakers. She always thought of the future, seemed she could see it. As a result, I was worried about my future, and my daughter was worried about her future. My daughter and I went hiking one week ago when I am writing this chapter; she was full of resistance with me. We talked by phone, not very long ago, and she was questioning me that many people had said that I have changed, and she wondered why I have changed so much. I told her I wanted to be the person who I am, not what other people think I should be, or who they want me to be. It is my life. I live my own life, not other people's lives. Yes, I do worry, but I don't focus on worries. There are many books that have been written about the power of now. I didn't understand why it was so important, but after I learned about the spiritual world spirits keep silence in the past, ignore the future, but focus on the moment. The past is the investment of now. When we are free from the past and the outside world, fully connected with our spirit guide, our energy and intelligence will be present. And spirits are no more than thoughts and desires. Think about them, talk about them, and believe in them, and they will come true, manifestation needs time, like anything in life.

I had a very difficult time when I was writing the last three chapters, and I had to face the facts about my two other daughters, and remember everything about how I was treated by their father, how I was controlled by him, and how I allowed him to put me down and take advantage of me. He got what he wanted, and I hope he is happy with what he has in his life. That was one part of my life I chose to experience, and the reason why I didn't go with my Australian friend. The truth, I know he was a very nice guy, full of respect, care, love, and kindness, and he wouldn't control me under any circumstances. He would have allowed me to be myself and to be happy with him, and my family as well. Maybe it wasn't the right time for me to have a good guy, or to have a good life, or it was the path I decided to go through to learn from all my mistakes, and to strengthen my weaknesses to become who I am today. I was intolerable because that was part of life that I don't want to remember because it was full of unbearable emotional pain.

When I went to my first person development training, I have learned lot of positive vocabulary. How can I become a positive person if I know not a positive word? Well, how can I become positive if my surrounding and internal both are negative? The word is the light, and the light is the life. We are what we say. Since then, I started my positive affirmation every single day. I keep doing it, and it works for me. I hope it works for you as well. You can start saying simply word like "I am beautiful, I am love, I love my life..." Believing the unknowing. I was from the old outside world, where I was raised up by my family and the old society, in addition, I continue taking in the energy from the outside world today that is who I am the old outside world and the nowadays world. By moving my life from China to the United States of America, it definitely changed who I used to be, especially after I set myself free from my family, and had no more responsibility for anyone else but myself.

When I visited my two daughters in Georgia, there were not many emotions involved because I didn't have any expectations from them; I had not seen them for the past 12 years. Only when my daughter's father advised me to say sorry to my daughter, I cried a bit. The fact I knew I did nothing wrong with my two daughters, but their father wanted me to admit that it was my fault, to prove that he was the right one. It didn't matter who was right or wrong; we all paid for what we have done wrong to ourselves and others. That is the law of cause and effect. To love to be love, to good to be good, to right to be right is the way of living.

My office manager told me very clearly to stand my ground and don't allow my ex-boyfriend to take control of me; however, I allowed him to, but I was glad that I realized it very quickly, and I saw the way he wanted to control my daughters and me. Since then, I have known he has been behind what my daughters say and how they have acted. He wanted to stop me from seeing one of my friends when I visited Georgia, and he convinced my daughter to say how bad my friend was, but I told them that was none of my business how my friend treated them, and that she is my friend, and I wanted to see her. I didn't want to explain anything of the past to my daughters, and I didn't expect them to understand me. If they are happy living the life with their father, I pray for them. I am very lucky that he is out of my life. I am very grateful, although by fate, I am not able to live with my daughters; at least, they have their loving grandparents to take care of them in their childhood, and their father takes care of them full time now. He got what he asked for, and he is happy with that.

My daughters are such beautiful, smart, loving girls. Nino, my second daughter, was in the magazine interviews and TV shows at the age of 13. She started her modeling career at a young age, as she is tall and skinny, and has a very good attitude; and she is the first Chinese/Georgian model and there are not many people like her in her country. I am happy seeing she has such a great opportunity, where she can be herself and develop herself. My youngest daughter, Anna, is a super smart girl. When I talk to her, she can't hide her intelligence; I can tell that came from my mother. Since they grew up in an environment that is unknown to me, I don't have much opinion about them. They are the best girls and the most beautiful girls in the universe to me, that is for sure, and forever, I love my daughters like any mother would. It is a belief system. They will become what they believe, unless, one day, they wake up and realize that they are the universes, the creators, and they have everything within.

Every one of us carried a very heavy past, memories, experience, and stories...our belief systems, and the patterns that we inherited from our parents, or the environment where we grew up, became who we are today. It took me a long time to be aware, and some of us are aware of the fact. However, it becomes part of us and is so strong and powerful that we had a hard time to overcome that accumulated energy to switch within. For many of us, who doesn't want to accept the truth, it will build up more and more. It does not matter how aware we are today, how strong a mind we have. If our energy is focused on the past more than the present, we are not able to think clearly because every decision that we made, every reaction that we have, and every thought that we have is based on the knowledge that we have stored within our body and brain. The reason we have a difficult time changing is because we deny our true selves, we don't want to accept who we are, we don't give our permission to be ourselves, or we are afraid to be who we really are...The more we are against ourselves, the further we step away from being who we are. We build a cold wall, a distance to protect and against our organic self, and by doing that, we create a civil war within, instead of making peace with it. As every one of us is busy with our daily lives, our families, friends, routine, social media, news, to-do lists, etc., we don't have time to ponder over our life; when people get older and retire, they have the time to stop and think and look back. That is why older people know more than others do; it is part of their experience, and mostly, they remember their past. Many of us don't truly believe in ourselves but in the belief system that has been created by the society or others. We become who we are today because of the past, to change our life we don't change ourselves. We learn about ourselves, understand about ourselves, forgive ourselves, accept ourselves, love ourselves, and to make a peace with who we are today, while living in the moment and cleaning up the negative energy that does not belong to you from the past. It might take a while to get used to, as you carried your past with you all your life. Some people get it very fast; some need more time. It depends on how much work you put into it, and how you communicate with your spirit. Meditation and prayers play such an essential part of life if you are open to it. By starting new good habits, new positive thoughts, and a good attitude toward life, you are building a strong foundation to grounding yourself. It shakes your life when you change small little thing in life.

Be open to all the ideas, and be selective with what apply to your situation, as every one of us come from different backgrounds, education, culture, environment, etc. Take only what works for you; we learn from other don't follow a specific person but search within. When we follow others, we become a follower; when we follow others, we hand our light over to others; when we follow others, we give our energy to others, and once we give our energy away, we feel empty. Once we feel empty, we take things in to fill us up. Giving and receiving works psychologically, it goes back and forth, likes a circle, and it never stops. The Universe works in the same way: we are going to receive what we are giving out; if we give a smile, we will receive a smile... If we give love, we will receive love.

I have a friend from Europe; she is the most beautiful spirit that I have met in my life. One day, we were hanging out in downtown LA, and she was asking me if I cared, she was going to smoke; I thanked her for asking, and for being herself. She told me that she has been helping thousands of others quit smoking, but she is smoking. I didn't know what to say. I told her if she wants to stop smoking or change her life style, please let me know, and that I am here for her. Being a good role model and having integrity play such an important role in life.

I wasn't expecting to end my marriage with my second ex-husband, because there was nothing remaining, and I had to move forward in spite of fear. For many years forced myself changed many times, under all kinds of circumstances; my stages of my emotions have been like a rollercoaster up and down in the past twenty years. My way of seeking security had me step out from all of my comfort zones. I won't feel secure unless I am secure within. Who else can make me secure? In other words, if I don't trust myself, who else can I trust? It is simple like that, but I spent the past 20-plus years searching for security from the outside world. I asked myself where the security is while I am living in the world, insecurity is everywhere. My second ex-husband is a very insecure in many ways. I learned many good things from him, but in other ways, I got a lot of negative influence from him too. I wasn't aware of that in the beginning because he didn't complain that much. Remember, I was a follower, and whatever he said, I agreed with him. People only like to hear what they want to hear, or what is in their mind; once you say something against their idea, they resist.

I would start giving my own opinion on something when we talked, and my second ex-husband wasn't happy that I had my own way of thinking because our way of thinking was completely different; so, every time we talked, he zipped his mouth, and this was one of the reasons we didn't communicate the past three years. He always thought he was right because he had higher education and more life experience than me. It is impossible not allow me to think the way that I want to think. It's very clear all about controlling. It is a different kind of brainwashing. That is where I came from, and that was why we were attracted to each other. From the family to the relationship, to the society, to the nation, to the world, there is only one movement involved, which is controlling. Why control? Because insecurity. Why insecurity? Because fear.

I am grateful, and I don't regret every single thing that has happened in my life, or the family where I grew up. I created, or I chose to, in spite of the pain and suffering, the path that I went through, and who I became today. I can't let go of my past. I am the past, period. I only can give difference meaning to my past. That was the strength that I earned by going through it, and there is a stamp inside my body for everything I have done, that says, "Yes, you passed." I can't let go of my past, that is me, and I love myself. I look at my past differently by accepting where I came from, allowing myself to make peace with it, learn from it, and embrace it, instead of fighting it or resisting it, which is a waste of my energy, the invisible energy that I don't see. As I go deeper into searching on my journey, besides isolating myself from society, family, and friends, and spending time surrounded by Mother Nature, the beach, and the mountain, I meditate, I pray. I talked to the plants, flower, and butterflies, sing to the birds...I started asking questions that I never asked before, and unbelievably, every question that I asked, I got the answer from within. I didn't know what it was at that time. I was purely a physical being, with only five senses: sight, touch, sound, smell, and taste. The more I searched, the more I understood about life, humanity, the Universe, and the spiritual world, that beauty of everything.

Yes, everyone has the access to his or her true self. You don't need anything from the outside world, just your loving heart, trusting yourself, having faith in yourself, and doing the right things all the time.

By remembering my past, I learn about myself, knowing where I came from, understanding who I am, forgive what I have done wrong, fully accepting who I am, and love myself unconditionally! I healed myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. I detached from my past and made peace within; no longer allow it to control me. I am happy, I am grateful, and I love my life.

About the Author

KENQIN was born in a small Hakka (minority population in China) village located in South Mainland China. She immigrated from China to the United States, in February 2007. Growing up in China, she had the opportunity to experience a life style and system very different from that, which exists in the U.S., she learned how to nurture her physical body, and from the Americans she adopted a strong sense of spirituality. She broke through her comfort zone and embarked on a journey into body, mind, and spirit. She found her purpose in life, and discovered the power to heal. "There is nothing complicated in life; it is all about energy, and it is all about you." I believe we are our own healers and we are powerful. Free yourself." Today, Kenqin is a wellknown life coach, spiritual coach, and energy healer. Visit her website at www.itisme2love.com to get a half hour, free consultation.
