Brooklyn's great. You got all
different kinds of people.
It's beautiful, you know?
The part of Brooklyn
I'm from, like, nobody
really even travels.
Like, nobody gets off
the block, you know?
They're like, "Oh, Chris made it
to the intersection."
You know, but I travel.
I get to see stuff.
With this job, you get
to go see stuff, but, like --
And things, like,
I don't know a lot.
Like, I kind of know a lot,
but we don't learn
as much as we should.
Like, news doesn't get
to Brooklyn sometimes.
Like, I went to England,
and I was like,
"Oh, this will be great. This is
where they invented English.
I'll speak the language.
You know, I know the language,
and it'll be easy." But wrong.
Different words
mean different things.
Nobody told me that.
Like, "last name" is not
"last name" when get there.
They switch it.
Surname.
I didn't know that.
I get to the UK border.
They're like,
"What's your surname?"
I was like, "Uh,
Sir Christopher Distefano."
[ Laughter and applause ]
I didn't know.
I was like, "Brooklyn Knight.
You know who the fuck I am.
Give me all your finest
meats and cheeses."
"Fank you."
That's what they do.
They change the TH to an F,
and then you're British.
"Fank you! Fank you!"
"Brilliant." They love
that word over there.
"Oh, it's brilliant. This is
brilliant. It's brilliant."
That's a high honor
of a word in the U.S.
You can't just run around
and say the shit I do
is brilliant, you know?
I'll get emotional.
But over there -- "Oh,
look at that homeless guy.
Look at him
petting a dead ferret.
Isn't that brilliant?"
[ Laughter ]
I was like,
"Isn't that heroin?"
I mean, like,
he's on crystal meth.
I mean, he's petting
a dead animal legit in public.
Let's pick a new word,
fucking regroup.
I mean,
it's the opposite --
You guys are smart people, but,
like, this is not, you know --
They don't call
liquor "liquor."
They were calling it "spirits."
Nobody told me that.
My friend was like, "Hey, you
want to come over to my place?
Come on.
We have loads of spirits."
I was like,
"Yeah, I'm not going
to your haunted fucking house,
all right?
All right, Nigel?
No fank you.
Let's just eat a Fig Newton."
Norway. I went to Norway.
That was nuts.
Shit was blowing my mind
in Norway
that really shouldn't
have blown my mind.
Like, I should know --
you know, but it was --
I was sitting
in a restaurant.
Waiter comes over.
He's like, "Oh, would you like
reindeer meat?"
I was like, "Reindeer?
That's a real animal?
What do you mean reindeer?
You have reindeer flying around?
Yes! I -- Yeah, can I have
dragon soup, too?
Yeah.
I want to eat fucking Narnia.
Yeah, let's do it.
Fart pixie dust, sure.
I'll do it, sir. Yeah."
And, then, he got an attitude
with me, this guy.
Can you believe it? I swear.
It was right in front of me.
He goes,
"Yeah, stupid American."
I was like, "Sven, listen,
watch your mouth, okay?
You're from Norway.
I'm from America.
Let's understand -- We're the
back-to-back World War champs.
Don't forget
that shit, okay?
Just don't forget it.
Don't forget it."
Yeah.
[ Applause ]
I'll take the reindeer and fly
them home, where they're free.
Okay? I'll make the reindeers
great again.
You want to do a little
fist pump at that,
but I know you're doing,
and you're like,
"Nah, I'm in the wrong spot,
cuz."
[ Laughter ]
Whatever. Should have --
you know, we're in a --
Everything's history.
You know, we'll go history,
history.
We're part of history.
History --
Some of it's a lie, though.
Like, I went to President
George Washington's house --
first president of the United
States, the Father of Freedom.
That's what they called him --
"the Father of Freedom."
I went to his house.
They show you all over,
the Father of Freedom's
living room.
Here's the Father of Freedom's
kitchen, and, then,
like, this is the Father
of Freedom's slave barracks.
I was like, "Father of Freedom
had slaves?
I would have never voted for him
if I knew he had --
I ain't about that life."
Benjamin Franklin,
that's who the first president
should have been.
No slaves. Was against it.
Yep. Just syphilis.
That's what he had.
That was -- Yeah.
He was like,
"I don't enslave people.
I enslave that pussy.
That's what I do."
Yeah, just fucking
man's man.
Somebody hitting the skins
all up and down the 13 Colonies.
Yeah. That's why his face
is on the $100 bill.
There was no debate
about that.
They were like, "You gets
the hundo for getting the punani
in the name of America.
You earned it."
He was the smartest man
America had to offer.
He could have easily
invented a condom.
He said, "No, thank you.
Benny Frank keeps it wet," okay?
How's your girl, player?"
♪ How's your girl? ♪
[ Laughter ]
You good?
Chapstick, you good?
Get it on?
Good beard, dude.
It's a good beard.
Are you a barista?
-No.
Why do you look
like that, then?
You have barista face.
-I know.
No, but it's fine though.
But you work in --
Where do you work,
at the Apple Store?
Where do you work?
-In tech.
In tech.
Yeah, yeah, that's tech face.
Yeah.
You're a good --
You live in
the new Brooklyn?
You don't?
Why do you have a ponytail?
Are you in a band?
-No.
Why the fuck
do you look like that, then?
I don't understand.
What do you do?
Do you work at a flea market?
Start-up?
Oh, a start-up, right,
a start-up, yeah.
All right.
Where's the best
acai bowl place?
Yeah?
Yeah, you know it.
Yeah.
You're a good kid.
I like you.
And you guys are together?
Oh, okay.
You want to be?
No? You don't?
No.
I'm sorry. By the way, I called
you "dude" in the beginning.
I did not mean
to assume your gender.
I apologize.
I apologize, because I know --
I did not --
[ Applause ]
I apologize for using --
If I used the wrong pronoun
to offend you, my bad.
Pronoun.
I would love for somebody
to say that to my dad.
"You used the wrong pronoun."
He'd be like, "What's a pronoun?
What's that, like,
a noun in the NBA?
I don't know what
a fucking pronoun is."
[ Laughter ]
Crazy.
Dude, I knew it.
Listen,
we live in a good --
I knew straight white guys
were going down.
I knew it.
About three, four years ago,
I said,
"Uh-oh. Time's up."
That's -- That's when
I started using "time's up."
I knew it.
That's why I have
a Puerto Rican daughter.
I did it for my career.
Oh, yeah.
Anytime anybody is like,
"What do you have to say,
you straight white male
piece of shit?"
I'm like,
"Have you met Jalisa?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
All right, guys.
Have a nice night.
Thank you very much.
