

What Didn't Kill Me

By Kristen Brown

Copyright 2012 by Kristen Brown

Smashwords Edition
DEDICATIONS

To my kids: Thank you for seeing me through such compassionate and loving eyes. Your love for me has more than made up for all the ugliness in my past. I did my best with what I was given, often wishing and striving to do better, but you never let me feel bad about myself or my parenting. The only reason I ever had the guts to write this book is because of the strength I draw from you. I love you dearly.

To Elvis: Our story started out crazy, sticky, brutal, and ugly...but you have come to be the one true friend along the way, when others come and go, you are the one constant. You have seen me through the dizzying ups and downs of my life, and never judged me or blamed me. I appreciate you on every level. It tore me up inside to have to write about our life when it was a crazy, depressing mess, but knowing we came out of it to go on to have happy lives, and remain friends, gave me the inner peace to understand that nothing I write about the past, can undo where we are now. You are my rock. I love you and truly value your friendship.

To all the people who compared their life to mine by telling me how poor you were when you grew up: Poverty was the least of my concerns if at all, but thanks for attempting to understand. You can't help that you have no point of reference, and truly I am happy that you do not, because I wouldn't wish a violent childhood on anyone.

Thank you to everyone who has helped BELIEVE in myself over the past three years.

Childhood by Kristen Brown

Singing in the rain,

dancing through puddles,

and frolicking in the mud...

Exploring my world barefoot,

to feel the Earth's energy

merging with my own...

Fishing by myself is so peaceful,

and I love riding my bike,

but only as I have no wings for flying...

Climbing trees,

Swinging on a tire hanging on a rope

walking barefoot in the stream.

Holidays with extended family,

roasting a pig the size of a bathtub.

Baking cakes and cookies from scratch

licking the wooden spoon and mixing bowl.

Pulling taffy with my mother,

decorating the Christmas tree,

coloring eggs,

carving pumpkins.

Spinning the vinyl

the music soothing my soul,

swimming in the pond,

and Saturday morning cartoons...

I had a wonderful childhood...I really did...

completely negated by horrors

lurking amidst the splendor,...

behind closed doors....

beyond the scope of what decent people consider to be their concern.

"If love is minimal and abuse high, the damage will be permanent,

and the children will suffer emotional impairments for the rest of

their lives."-Mark Z. Danielewski

WHAT DIDN'T KILL ME

My Inner Struggle from Victim to Survivor

by Kristen Piper Brown

FEAR, LOVE, and FIRE

Smacked against the stair railing

Sharp pain reverberating through my head

My face hits the carpet

I yelp

A foot buried into my side

I gasp

Tumble head-first down the stairs

Downward spiral

A literal preview of my life laid out before me

My feet above me

Stairs below me

I've come to rest

A crumpled mess

Kicked again

I move again

Stairs

Ceiling

Around and around

I've come to rest again

As my eyes rest upon my naked feet in the air

My dingy cloth diaper twisted and now torn

Less than 2 years old

My first memory

I don't remember who kicked me down the stairs

but I have never forgotten how it felt

Could I have fallen down the stairs?

I may not remember who kicked me

but I will always remember

the terror and confusion I felt

the panic

the fear

and the pain of being kicked

I spend the rest of my life

torn between wanting to forget how it felt

and searching that memory flashback

to see the face of the person who kicked me down the stairs

I've so far been successful at neither

~*~

My mother shows me love and affection

but there's a side to her

that only I am privy to

It's not sweet or loving

It's quick to temper

and raging with resentment

abandonment

frustration

The scars on the lid of my eye

are from stitches when I was eight months old

My mother told me that I fell off of the bathroom sink

I can only take her word for it

I am her baby

She adores me so

She loves me

She loves me more in the moments of damage control

right after having lost her composure

Except for those horrible moments

she proves to be a wonderful mother

She makes my clothes by hand

Totes me on her hip

Shows me off

Showers me with kisses and love

Plays with me

and most importantly

she gives me those delicious cookies

that I thoroughly enjoy smearing all over my chubby baby face

I'm happy when she loves me

happy when she kisses me

It's when she is angry

that I am afraid and confused

What did I do to make her so angry?

I'm paralyzed in fear and tears

when she touches her teeth to me

with cursings on her breath

She makes me laugh

Kisses me

Hugs me

Plays with me

Sings to me

and hurts me

It confuses me

She cries when no one is watching

It saddens me to see her so unhappy

After she hurts me

she hugs me

kisses me

and tells me she loves me

I don't understand.

My mother truly adores me

dotes on me

and loves me

but she likes to make me cry

because I have beautiful eyes

Even more beautiful when I cry

Big green eyes

welled up with tears

like pristine emeralds

submerged in clear crystal waters

My existence is her painful reminder

that my father lied to her

abandoned her

hurt her

Feeling unloved by her own parents

she seeks love elsewhere

anywhere

The world is an evil place

with terrible people

looking to pray on

a young

beautiful

woman

with low self-esteem and a terrible relationship with her parents

It wasn't supposed to be this way

She was conned by a professional

A soon-to-be convicted con artist

20 years her elder

He made his appearance the day I was born

I have photographs of him holding me

Kissing me on my newborn head

He made his departure the same day

I never do see him again

She ends up a single parent in 1970

No amount of maternal love

can over-come the resentment

and betrayal she now feels

My very existence is the source of her joy

and her heartache

I'm sure she doesn't realize it

She thinks she loves me

She hugs me

Kisses me

Adores me

then takes her pain out on me

She is so beautiful

Her long, dark brown hair

huge, deep, brown eyes hiding fear and panic

When she smiles at me

it reminds me that I love her

I need her

She's my best friend

There is no way I could even begin to understand

the emotional pain she is in

She just wants to be loved

I love her

My love will not be enough

~*~

I learned a profane vocabulary

as promptly as I learned to speak

which is also when she taught me to read

Even as a toddler

I have worries

Frightful memories invade my mind

Sketchy events I can't make sense of

I can't clearly remember

While at the same time, I can't forget

I remember a terrible smell

caustic smoke

I can't breathe

A horrible odor burns my nose

I can barely open my eyes

They're so dry when I blink

It feels like I have sand in my eyes

I am stuck

Hiding under my bed

I frantically struggle to breathe

Happy to know the grasp of a stranger

hauling me to safety

I can still smell the stench

yet I can not identify it

I have no idea what happened

MOMMY-and-ME TIME...PLUS ONE and ONE MORE

She's not alone anymore

I have a daddy now

He's mean

He's angry

They change my last name

He shows me no love

Why would he?

I'm not his child

Somewhere along the way

I forget that very important detail

being forced to call him my dad

at such a young age

He smokes his Lucky Strike cigarettes

he lights with a rectangular silver lighter

the sound of which makes me cringe

Sitting in his brown leather chair

watching the news

always a bag of peanut M&Ms

in the newspaper rack beside his chair

drinking until his perpetual state of anger reached a level requiring release

When he's not in his chair

he's at work as a preacher

though he also works as a locksmith

When he's not working or sitting in his chair smoking

he's smacking me around

beating me with his belt

yelling at my mother

or throwing me like a hand-me-down rag-doll

He did give me an adorable baby brother

His name is Shane

I get to hold him often

He is so sweet

I like to smell his head

He smells like a fresh start

His hair is the softest thing I have ever felt

I don't even think about what they will do to him

I just know holding him makes me forget how much my life hurts

~*~

My mommy likes to create pretty things

She can cook

and sew

and paint

She painted my bed frame and dresser

white with gold metallic trim

I spend a lot of time in my room

playing with my toys

brushing my hair

singing silly songs to myself

Daddy throws me at the wall above my bed

My side catches the top of my headboard

I can't move except to cry

which further provokes him

Yanked up by my long hair

Met to the wall again

I have succumbed to the darkness now

as the light will slowly disappear

I wake up

remember what happened

I cry and hope the next time I don't wake up

Being 4 years old is pretty rough

BLACKBERRIES, PECANS, and PEARS

Such a gorgeous country sunset

spying on me as I steal

plump

delicious

juicy

wild blackberries from the

selfish

thorny bushes embracing the barbed wire fence

unwilling to give up their bounty to me

without leaving their mark of tiny scratches on my hands

I want to sit up to my chin in a tub full of plump

juice dripping

wild blackberries

as rich in deep color as they are in potent flavor

A smell so sweet it consumes my senses

I can't stop myself from devouring some of them

as I pluck them one by one

before they get washed

They were so yummy before I put them in the metal colander

After I washed them with yellow dish soap

suds abound

they weren't so yummy anymore

I ruined my happy blackberries

I stared at them

My face twisted with contemplation and gloom

I ate them all

tart

juicy

and soapy

I hate myself

I don't feel so well

I love fresh wild blackberries

but yellow dish soap terrifies me

~*~

Out of the blue

{POP} {POP}

heart stop

why is mommy crying

where's daddy going with the shovel

where's Step and Fetch It

"come here, boys"

Are the dogs not safe either

If daddy killed the dogs with his gun

will he kill me too

or my mommy

or my baby brother?

Every loud sound startles me now

Waiting for a bullet meant for me

I close my eyes

Head on my pillow

and see my head in a puddle of blood

I open my eyes

I try to sleep without closing my eyes but it never works

~*~

It hurts when mommy brushes my hair

she hits the brush to my head too hard

yanking my hair with one hand

ripping the brush through my hair with the other

like she's trying to pull it out

If she's angry with daddy

my tender head will know it

If she is mad at me

while she's brushing my hair

she pulls my hair to one side

yanks on it to pull my head back

putting her large teeth on my cheek

as she unleashes her verbal abuse on my face

I do not believe her when she says she loves me

She hits me

screams bad words at me

and is just so hostile towards me

I believe she does try to love me

because in-between the fits of rage

I sometimes see her happy smile

She does so much for me to take care of me

It's like she is two different people

The part of the puzzle that I am missing

is this is how she was treated by her parents

She can't search out a better way to treat me

in the midst of her scattered thoughts

situational depression

and contempt for what I remind her of

I'm unaware of all of this of course

I'm just a four year old child

wanting my mommy to love me

all the time

not just sometimes

She makes me sit in her lap so she can comfort me with her promises of loving me

Mommy won a Raggity Ann doll on the radio for me

We're both excited

She likes to sew

making almost all my clothes

so she made clothes for my new doll

I love it

I also love playing in the mud

I like the rain

It soothes me

Comforts me

When she prunes the shrubs

she lets me squish the grubs on the sidewalk

I like to play with the rolly pollies

I can find lots of rolly pollies

I like to help

Some days are nice

sunny and fun

Today is not one of those days

Lying here in a diaper

as punishment for peeing my pants

Secured to her bed solely by fear

Warm tears running down my cheeks

into my ears

as I cannot sit up

I turn my head

My facial abrasions rub on her scratchy bedspread

I could just stop crying

5 years old

I would rather be dying

If I get her favorite candy bar for her

she will love me more

I put a blanket in our red wagon

put my one year old baby brother in the wagon

walked to the nearest store

so excited

Shane is having fun too

It's a beautiful day

All the trees are in full bloom

The air is scrumptious

The sun shines happy on me today

I struggle a bit to get the wagon into the store

I find her candy bar

put it on the counter

I don't understand what the man behind the counter wants from me

I tell him the candy bar is for my mommy

so she will love me

He puts the candy bar in a tiny brown paper bag

Before he gives me the bag

with her candy bar in it

He shows me money

Then tells me

the next time I want to buy my mommy a candy bar

I should bring some of it with me

to trade him for the candy bar

I understand trading

My mommy made trades with me when I was a baby

He gave me the candy bar

to give to my mommy

so she will love me

When I got back to the house

she wasn't home

I was very worried

running around calling for her

I put my brother in his crib

She came inside yelling at me

crying

...hugging us?

I am so confused

Next time I wander off

without telling my mom where I am going

I am to leave my baby brother at home

A solid spanking

to numb my bottom

with searing, stinging pain

will assure that I never forget

Lesson learned

She enjoyed the candy bar

Not sure it worked for making her love me

~*~

Our neighbor loves me

He talks funny

I think he is 100 years old

Maybe even 150 years old

I'm not sure

I just know that even our laundry doesn't have that many wrinkles

A wrinkled, tan, skeleton of a man

who talks like a robot

through a hole in his throat

He makes me laugh

What a silly old man

I like to be outside when he is outside

so we can play

though on separate sides of the fence

Pecans fall from the giant tree

into our yards

We talk through the chain-link fence

while we each pick up the pecans

off the ground

I love picking up the pecans

They are like tiny little presents from nature

As we collected our pecans one day

my silly old friend fell to the ground and stopped being silly

I love to sing all the time

so I made up a song about him falling on the ground

Mommy was washing dishes and heard me singing

about how our neighbor was on the ground

She came running outside

looking upset

She sounded such a fright when she told me to go inside

I don't know what happened

I just know he won't be picking up pecans with me anymore

I miss my friend

I miss him very much

~*~

A sweet, sugary-smelling pear tree

resides in the yard of the vacant house next door on the other side

The fat, juicy, yellow pears fall to the ground

for my curiousness to confiscate

I eat the pears so fast my little belly aches

Then I devour just one more

The pears are so delicious

I just want to smear the grainy over-ripe pears on my face

so their sweetness soaks into my soul faster

Childhood sometimes hurts and stings

My saving grace is the cradling comforts of nature

The drowning smell of the fresh fruit is hypnotic

Its rich flavor so divine

flooding my senses

I would be so happy to live my life as an abandoned pear tree

hoarding my bounty unto myself alone

HOLIDAYS SUCK

I have to change schools tomorrow

I will miss many things here

I will not miss this school

No one plays with me

and I do not relate well to any of the kids in my class

I smile

I am nice to everyone

I try to help my teacher

I try to interact with the other kids

they shun me

I am so very sweet

but I must be too awkward for sweet to matter

Maybe someone will play with me at my new school

They will like me and I will have so much fun

~*~

I am really starting to not like holidays

At Christmas she forces me to eat roasted chestnuts

I stuff them in my cheek

excuse myself to the bathroom

and spit them into the toilet

I cry a little

wipe my face

and go back out to do it again

I owned a serious amount of trouble

just before Christmas break

when I stopped on the way home from school to build a snowman

in the street

A car drove up

My mom got out

screamed at me all the way home

for not coming straight home

then she beat me mercilessly

(We'll get back to why this made her so angry.)

Halloween makes me sad too

She dressed me up as Snoopy from The Peanuts

My white costume was ill-fated from the start

I kept telling Mommy I had to pee

She would not listen

She just kept pushing me

telling me to shut up

dragging me from house to house in tears

I had to use the restroom so badly that it hurt my insides

I could not hold it

I cried to her again

She said we would be home soon and that I could just hold it

Well, I could not hold it

I peed myself in my white Snoopy costume

Words can not even describe how thoroughly angry she was

or how humiliated and scared I was

She tore my costume off of me at home

and beat my naked bottom until she couldn't any more

A very worn out 4 year old

confused by my mother's level of rage against me

AT LEAST MY DOG LIKES ME

Asleep in my bed

though still gripped with fear

I have violent nightmares

this one is interrupted by the cold

rancid

garbage

dumped on me

while asleep in my bed

I forgot to take it out again

I'm only five, yet already I'm afraid to fall asleep

If I fall asleep my safety will be compromised

Worries on my tired little mind

I can't stay asleep because I wiggle myself awake

feeling like I'm falling or being chased

I wish I would just die in my sleep

I know that I look happy on the outside

I am quite friendly despite my social awkwardness

So full of love to give despite the pain I feel

~*~

I have a new baby brother

His name is Justin and he is perfect

Shane isn't the baby anymore

My daily beatings now share the stage

I search my past wishing I could tear out a page

the one where the tears I cry

are not just for my own pain

rather for the screams from the other room

Shane is now old enough to share in the abuse

I'm six years old

wishing I could set my two year old brother loose

~*~

I have to change schools again

It's ok, I won't miss this school either

as still no one plays with me

No one likes me because I am weird

Sometimes I am out-going

Sometimes I am quiet and withdrawn

Either way, I guess I'm not "friend" material

Still I have hope that maybe someone will play with me at my new school

~*~

Screaming

yelling

I stay in my room most of the time

Lincoln Logs and Tinker Toys

combined with my limitless imagination

all take me to another world

Told to quiet my brothers from having too much fun

I get up from playing with my toys on the floor

to try to open the door to the adjoining bathroom

My mother was in the tub

so the doors are locked

I attempt to go around

through his smoke-filled living room

His strong, angry grasp so swift to my tender throat

lifting me off the ground

landing me on my bed on my back

He hit me while yelling at me about how I know better

than to go into his living room without permission

He swiftly whips his belt from his waist

turns me over and lashed my scrawny body

starting with my bottom

moving then to my thighs and back

I'm seven years old thinking this is normal life

Wishing I could leave this place

Just suddenly disappear

When it was over

he left me sobbing in a pathetic heap of bones

covered with welting flesh

I jump up in terror

as screams and cries intertwined with leather lashings

carry the sound of violent misery

from my brothers room to mine

I closed my eyes and wished for him to come back to my room

to torture me instead

I was so angry with myself for not being strong enough

or brave enough

to run into their room and save them

It never dawned on me that my mother could clearly hear everything going on

She stayed in the tub until she was finished bathing

She never came to see if I was alright

I don't know if she went to comfort my brothers

"Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime."-Herbert Ward

~*~

I had to change schools this week

I like how this new school smells

My mother taught me to read before the age of two

So I have always found school quite boring

I sit in the back of the class and day dream

Notices get sent home from time to time

regarding my lack of class participation

incomplete work

daydreaming

and doodling on my work

instead of doing the lesson

I get scolded for it of course

but I am bored and distracted at school

I have no interest in anything

No one plays with me still

but I don't care anymore

I play by myself and daydream about happy things

but then my mind wanders

It wanders into some dark, gruesome places

When my teacher raises her voice

I imagine her beating me and smashing my face into my desk

It's probably a good thing no one gets to know me

I doubt anyone would understand me

and it's better for me because I won't end up missing anyone when I change schools again

I guess solitude is a viable defense mechanism

~*~

We're not allowed to have candy so sometimes

I eat the orange children's aspirins

in the medicine cabinet

These things are the closest thing I can find to candy

but I found something new...

a little blue pack of chocolate

I only ate one square

Sharing is important so I gave the rest to our St. Bernard, Brandy

She thought it was yummy too

Mommy came in the house awhile later, all kinds of crazy

wanting to know if I gave Brandy something to eat or drink

I told her I gave her the chocolate from the bathroom

because Brandy is such a good girl she deserved it

Well, umm, apparently, it wasn't chocolate

not really

Mommy said it's a medicine that makes you poop

Brandy is a very big dog

She's so big, that when I feed her, I have to hold her food bowl above my head

and say, "sit, Brandy, sit", really loud

while standing on my tippy toes

One time my brothers were having so much fun in their room

that Brandy wanted to play too

so she jumped through their window

but she's so big that she got stuck

Her front half in the boys' room

and her back half still in the back yard

So, anyway...

Brandy apparently pooped the back yard something silly

from the special chocolate I gave her

My mom started to yell at me

but then her faced turned colors

and she had to run out of the room

I could hear her laughing

I guess doing something wrong is ok as long as it's hilarious

Noted!

~*~

Mommy taught me to cook a few things

She loves to cook and I love cooking with my mommy

I cooked my first meal by myself

hot dogs and baked beans

My daddy wouldn't eat it and yelled at her

She cried

I just sat in my room confused and sad

~*~

Baby brother, Justin isn't even two yet

Clad in his diaper

screaming in agony

crying and trying to get away as the beast

unleashes the lashings with his belt

leaving thick, ruby red welts all over his tiny body

I cry

My three year old brother, Shane also cries

He hides

terrified

trembling

Our mother walks emotionless past the horrific scene into the kitchen

I know she must have cried later

It was brutal

He's just a baby

How does a grown man feel good in any way

about mercilessly beating a baby with a belt

We have no power

Those who have power use it for evil

Even at seven years old I'm sick to death

of the day in day out monotony of violence

sparsely speckled with dashings of simplistic joys

A FRESH START

My dreams come true

Mommy says we're leaving

She scurries about the house

frantically shoving our belongings into boxes

Her friends park their small white car in our driveway

They quickly stuff our things into the back

and cram all four of us into the tiny back seat

Long car ride middle of the night

He drives up as we drive out of sight

My little brain cannot believe

Still seven years old, relieved to be granted a reprieve

We left New York where I was born

Then Texas where Shane was born

Now say goodbye to Oklahoma where Justin was born

~*~

Tall skinny trees with enormous nature treasures

like I've never seen before

Welcomed with the love and hugs I had almost given up wishing for

Welcome to Florida

I do not remember these people

Mommy says they are my grandparents and my aunt

Can I now rest my head?

A new school

A new chance

Maybe they will like me

Maybe I will finally have friends

GARBAGE, LICE, AND VOMIT

My brothers and I sleep in a very small room

The beatings subsided when Grandma was home

Mommy worked all day

and was also gone at night

Grandpa is grumpy

He doesn't hit us

He just ignores us

I'm glad he ignores us because he is loud when he talks

it hurts my ears

He fixes televisions at his store

Sometimes we get to go there

Grandma works at his store

She feeds us

loves us

never, ever beats us

Eight years old thankful to be at Grandma's house

MATERIAL ALLEGIANCE and CALISTHENIC BRUTALITY

The top of my head is so sensitive

I hate when anyone touches it

I hate to be touched at all

She likes to perm my hair

which surprises me because she gets so angry

She pulls chunks of my hair out

I cry

She slaps me

I hate going through this

Mostly I hate

when she forces me

to sit in her lap

so she can rock me

hug me

and tell me that she only hurts me

because she loves me

I tell her I love her too

We are both lying

I consider my lie an act of self-preservation

I'm sure her lie is in preservation of her established tyranny

This is normal for me

This is what I know of love

Love hurts inside and out

~*~

Babysitting outside the home

the sweetest escape I've ever known

My mom gets the money

I get the candy, cartoons, and happy kids to play with

Countless beatings avoided

Happy to be in great demand

avoiding mommy's heavy hand

I have a few problems outside of my home

School is going to be the end of me

The work is easy to do

but very difficult to focus on

I love the school work

I just can't focus on it long enough to complete anything

I love math but my grades read like I'm a failure

though if I was graded solely on the work I actually complete

someone would see I'm a genius

I just can't finish anything

Ten correct answers because I am smart

coupled with ten blank answers

because my mind has strayed away from my work

I get back a paper marked 50%

I go down in the books as stupid

My troubled mind wanders all the time

I daydream

I worry

I fantasize graphic scenarios of torturing and murdering my mother

I reflect on her haunting words to me

My mind is a scattered mess

Sometimes I have to read the same question

several times because my eyes are on the words

but my mind is so loud with thoughts and voices that aren't mine

What my eyes are reading just doesn't break through

I wish my mind would quiet down so I could focus

I can read a whole line of text in one glance

without having to read right to left

but what good does that do me if I'm distracted in my brain

I can't retain the information my eyes collect

if it never reaches my brain to be stored

~*~

Before my mommy turned out the light in my room I saw a spider

I asked her to get it so it wouldn't crawl on me in my sleep

she said to leave him because he eats bugs

Bugs?

Instead of fearing sleeping with a spider

I now fear the spider and the bugs

Mommy said no I don't because there are no bugs because we have the spiders

I'm not sure I feel confident about her logic

Sleep tight nothing!

~*~

We have to sing songs at school

I love to sing and always make up my own songs

I sing them every chance I get

Making up my own songs is a great escape for my mind

I can't sing with other kids though

especially when it is several classes together

It confuses me

The loud volume and acoustic hum of their voices

reverberating off the cafeteria walls is deafening to my sensitive hearing

I am scared with so many people in a group

I am so shy

I don't understand the songs we have to sing

I like to make my own words to my own songs

So while they are singing their words

to the songs we have to sing

I just sing along with my own words

so I don't get in trouble for not singing at all

I just hope I don't get caught

turning "amber waves of grain" into "dancing in the rain"

"My country tis of thee" becomes "I'm tired and I have to pee"

I also don't understand the pledge of allegiance

to a piece of fabric?

This makes no sense to me as I understand the word allegiance to mean

Oh, wait, I have no clue what that word means

I don't understand the words at all

or the meaning of the pledge

or why we have to recite something repetitively

like mindless drones

I wish someone would tell me what it all means

Maybe if it made sense to me I wouldn't feel so awkward about it

I feel the same way about the songs

"My country tis of thee"?

What does that even mean?

I feel like we're being herded and controlled

None of it makes sense to me

~*~

We have traffic lights in the cafeteria

for when we're allowed to speak

We can't talk in class

Why can't we talk at lunch?

Is there some reason we have to stay quiet?

We are kids

Home may be a violent nightmare

but I feel more vulnerable and lost at school

I'm sure changing schools as much as I have

hasn't helped me assimilate to the program or to my peers

The hardest part of school for me is the physical demand at gym

I have never been able to do what they expect of me

No matter how hard I try

I get picked on because I am weak, clumsy, and awkward

I've pushed myself to tears

even vomiting

just to try to do what they scream at us to do

At home my mother slaps me around

pulls my hair

pushes me down

screams profane words at me

criticizes me

and just pours her hate on me like scalding lava

for things that carry no weight in the grand scheme of things

She comes unglued just because I can't do a stupid cartwheel

She was an aspiring gymnast once

so she can't seem to wrap her mind

around the fact that her daughter can't do a simple cartwheel

At school we have to do pull ups

push ups

sit ups

jumping jacks

stand with our arms outstretched and rotate them forward and backwards

I fail at all of it

I am over-tired

dizzy from exertion

My joints ache

I have no energy

My arms and legs feel like they are made of

gelatin that was made from battery acid instead of water

My skin itches and feels like it's on fire when I have to run

My back hurts, and my knees hurt worse

Jumping jacks jar my whole body every time my feet hit the ground

No one will listen to me when I report any of these problems I am having

I just get yelled at more

I want to die because the pain from hitting the ground during jumping jacks stun me

I don't understand why we have to do something that hurts

or why the other kids don't look like it hurts them, the way it hurts me

No one will listen to me when I tell them that it hurts

They yell at me

really loud

and blow the whistle in my face

which hurts my ears

hurts my feelings

and scares me

I think the teacher are going to hit me

I would prefer they hit me than yell at me

My frail

sensitive

scrawny body

just can't successfully manage what these grown ups demand from it

My hands hurt deep to the bone when I try to do a pull up

I have no energy but I'm not lazy

I want to do what the other kids can do so I don't get yelled at

but I am awkward

clumsy

and in pain

No one understands

or even cares

They just yell at me

which makes me cry

because yelling hurts my ears

and makes me feel bad

Don't they understand that I don't want to be a failure

I want to do what other kids can

Red Rover...

what a horrible nightmare of a game

The only thing worse is dodgeball

I don't get hurt enough at home?

Why is play time

so abusive

It hurts

Not a little bit

It hurts a lot

I'm not a cry baby

or a sissy

but my body hurts

Something is wrong with me

Why can't anyone understand that

I hate myself

I hate school

I hate home

I don't even know why I am here

I like how my mom jokingly tells us to go play in traffic

because I watch traffic sometimes

envisioning myself walking in front of one of the big trucks

I don't want the driver to get into trouble so I never do it

Eight years old looking for a way out

~*~

Butterflies are beautiful

That is all

~*~

Grandma's house is set on a canal

I'd never seen one before

It's very beautiful

but the water is brown

I always thought water was blue

I want to jump right into it

sink gracefully

to the muddy bottom

I could stay there forever

Why do we have to eat the small creatures live in the canal?

clams

crabs

conch

What is a conch?

It's gross to eat

I don't like it

Sitting at the round glass table

with my two little brothers

my mother shoves a soup spoon full of

red

gritty

stinky

conch chowder into my mouth

She holds my mouth closed

Slaps me for gagging

She wanted to kill me over conch chowder?

It felt rough like sand pudding in my mouth

The texture alone makes me want to puke

with chunks of rubbery grit

Thick and smelly like rancid mud

in what tastes like tomato soup

I hate tomato soup

like rotting tomato acid on my tongue

She shoves a spoonful so far into my mouth

It goes into my throat

as she quickly jams another spoonful into my mouth

shoving my head back

screaming at me

slapping me

I'm crying so badly

I can't breathe

Choking on the chowder

She scoops up more

as I gasp for breathe

My brothers hovered over their own bowl

too terrified to acknowledge the situation

They silently kept eating so they wouldn't be next

I remember the roasted chestnuts

I stored them in my cheek then spit them into the toilet

I thought if I could just catch my breath

I could do the same thing with the chowder

She's relentless in her mission to personally cram this vile sludge down my throat

It seems to last forever

like my life

I'm eight years old eating ground-up canal animals against my will

~*~

There are lots of really fast lizards in Florida

they sometimes get in the house

One got into where we sleep

I asked my mom to get it

She said they eat bugs

Here we go again

~*~

I saw wild brown rabbits in my grandmother's yard

They are so cute and tiny

My Grammy cuts her roses and puts them in a glass

It makes the whole house smell wonderful

~*~

We received progress reports at school

I am so sick of getting in trouble for the same thing every few months

Can't pay attention

Doesn't get her work done on time

Work is incomplete

My mother knows all this already

and I know the beatings I will get for being who I am

so I forged her name and handed it in

My mother was six shades of livid when she went to the school

to address my crime

On the way home she read me the riot act

but then I heard her from the next room

telling people all about it and laughing like it was the funniest thing

If it was so hilarious why was I in trouble?

~*~

I came home with lice

My mother spent money on the lice shampoo

and went through a lot of effort to get rid of it

Having lice is not fun

Getting scolded for having lice is even less fun

Worse than that less than charming event

my baby teeth were refusing to give up their place to my adult teeth

The roots weren't dissolving so they were hanging in there tight

while my second set of teeth were starting to come in

It was causing me unimaginable pain especially when I ate

My aunt who was 12 years older than me

took a twisted pleasure in forcibly evicting each of my baby teeth

with what ever tool got the job done

It's an excruciating horror that nightmares are made of

My aunt loves me dearly

I sometimes wonder if she likes the sight of blood more

I'm starting to like the taste of blood now but don't tell her

She saves my teeth

I want to smash them with a hammer for the trouble they have caused

~*~

My mom goes out a lot

Sometimes we have to go on these dates with her

I do not like these guys

Sometimes they say nasty words in front of us

Not the regular profanity our family uses

Nasty words about private parts

that I've never heard my mom say

and she has quite a profane mouth

as we all do by now

I was still in diapers when I developed a salty tongue

I asked her date what the word "pussy" meant

because he kept saying it over and over when we were on the boat

My mom about lost her mind when her date explained it to me

by shoving his hand in my mother's crotch and saying, "this is a pussy right here"

Then he told me that I have one too

My mother looked horrified

We never saw him again after that

She never spoke of it

TRUST ME, I'M A PROFESSIONAL

My baby brother drank gasoline out of a mayonnaise jar today

My mom called the hospital

They told her to bring him in

She did not

Instead, my mother made my brother drink something with a raw egg in it

He puked everywhere

It smelled awful

The next morning my mother was in a state of I don't know what

She was waving the news paper around, trembling, ranting

My grandmother grabbed the paper, and turned white

She set it on the counter

I looked at it

A boy my brother's same age had done the same thing

His mother had taken him to the hospital

He died

We were all pretty shaken

My mom had just saved my brother's life

I'm glad she used her own judgment

instead of listening to a professional

ONE MAN'S RUBBISH is STILL RUBBISH

Moving out on our own

What is a mobile home?

No more grandma

No more love

Here's the life I didn't miss

nine years old so sick of this

~*~

I don't know what a hurricane is exactly

But it flooded the trailer park

We can fish right from the front steps

We even saw a canoe and a motor boat going down our road

How awesome is this phenomenon

We can't swim in our yard though

The lake flooded so it's not safe

I think living in a trailer park with a lake that alligators call home isn't safe

but apparently when it floods the danger level increases

~*~

We learned the fine art of dumpster diving

We can't afford our own possessions

so we get to shop through the discarded debris

of other trailer park residents

It was a lot of fun until we were old enough to grasp the humiliation

of our peers we attend school with

seeing us out their trailer windows

combing through their garbage

We also went dumpster diving behind stores

That wasn't so bad

At least no one we knew had seen us

Mom is so happy with us when we find something useful

I really like when she is happy

It makes me forget how much she hates me

~*~

We have to eat all the food on our tray at school

It's not easy

I have thrown up in the garbage can many times

One day I sat and cried because I couldn't eat my food

It was too gross

I drank my milk, then shoved as much of my lunch as I could in my milk carton

and tried to turn in my tray

In throwing out the milk carton

I was caught and undone

The cafeteria lady opened my milk carton

dumped my food onto my tray

and told me to sit and eat it

I sat

I cried

but I didn't eat it

She's crazier than my mom if she thinks I'm going to eat this

and my mom is pretty bat-shit crazy

The middle school classes started to come in

The cafeteria lady stood beside me

yelling at me

I cried so hard trying to eat it

I threw up on myself

They had to call my mom to come get me

or to bring me a change of clothes

My mother was at work

I had to go to class

stinking

covered in vomit

crying

sad

sick

embarrassed

Can I just die now please?

I got in trouble when I got home

As punishment I was denied dinner

Considering how awful the food was

I wasn't missing much

As I of course had no concept of how hard my mother had to work

to buy even the cheapest food however gross it may be

I had to sit at the table and watch everyone else eat

She would slap my face and tell me to "wipe that look off" my face

How do all the other kids deal with this at home then look so happy at school?

Speaking of school

I got lice again

and three more times in a row after that

My mother came to the school

showing the principal the side of her

that I have been terrorized with for years

A boy with lice was sharing his hat around

I don't know how I kept getting lice since I never touched his hat

I guess just being in a class with a few kids with lice was enough

~*~

Oh look, I have to change schools again

My last day of school my mother bought me a school tee shirt

to compensate me, she said, for having to change schools one more time

in the middle of a school year

I pointed out she bought me a tee shirt of a school I was leaving

and inquired how was I to wear it to a new school

I thought she was trying to get me beat up

She laughed at what she had done

I like when she laughs

Maybe someone will play with me at my new school

Maybe I will wake up with magic powers and fly around instead of walk

Either was equally likely

~*~

My five year old brother got beat up at the bus stop by a fat six year old

I smashed that kid's face

My mom smashed me

eh, totally worth it

I can't protect my brothers from our parents

The rest of the world is another story

No idea what I did was wrong

Eight years old

Violence is all I know

Who's going to teach me otherwise?

HOSPITALS, COURT, and A WRONGFULLY CONDEMNED PUPPY

My mom is taking me to an appointment at the hospital

She is sick of me complaining about how much my knees hurt

She says maybe this will shut me up

I am nervous all the way to the appointment

I will be in trouble for complaining all these years

if the doctor doesn't find out why my knees hurt

If he does figure it out, well that means something is wrong with me

I have no idea which fate is worse

I have to change into a hospital gown

I am very nervous and scared

I don't know what to do

I have to wait in the room with very big machines

After x-rays, the nurse took some of my blood

then I had to go in a huge machine that can see my bones

After a lot of waiting I have my answer

Osteochondritis Dissecans

I have no idea what that means of course because I'm eight

No one ever does anything about it to fix it

but I am thrilled to have an answer for my mom

I about fainted when she apologized for not believing me that I was in pain

She didn't apologize for making fun of me or criticizing me

or screaming at me just because my knees hurt

It's ok though

I really didn't expect any apology at all

so I was happy with the one I received

~*~

The focus shifts from my health to Justin's

My adorable two year old brother

was walking up the steps of our trailer

when he suddenly collapsed

I was right behind him so I caught him as he fell

I called out in a chilling screech for our mother

She rushed over in panic

He had to stay in the hospital and I over-heard my mom tell someone he might die

I cried hard like torrential rain

We all were very worried that he wouldn't come back home

It was a very upsetting time

He must have been very scared in the hospital

I was scared for him

My anxiety was at it's highest until he was safely home

He was diagnosed with Guillain–Barré syndrome

a rare disorder affecting the peripheral nervous system

I don't have a clue of what that all means of course

I'm just relieved my baby brother is going to be fine

I'm happy to have him back home

~*~

Sometimes it's hard to decide

which Hell is easier to reconcile

physical pain or emotional pain

Equally inconvenient of course

Some physical pain heals

but I'm learning not all of it goes away

My knees hurt worse and make a crunching sound

Now my back hurts so badly I cry silent tears when I have to move from sitting to standing

or standing to sitting

My skin hurts when it's touched lightly

but not when it's a firm touch or grasp

I'm always tense and hyper-vigilant

clutching onto things like someone is going to take it from me

instead of holding it normally

Gripping the seat of my chair or the seat in the car

as if gravity will suddenly give out

and I will float away

I am very tender-headed

and I am noticing it's the same

tenderness in many parts of my body

I try to keep people from touching me

but it's hard to do

and I can't keep track of which parts hurt when touched

or what kind of contact will hurt and what won't

I am tense all the time

~*~

We are left home alone a lot

I discovered that I like fishing

I'm not too fond of the fishy stink

but after I scale, fillet, and cook them over and open fire in one of our cast iron skillets

I am so over the smell and onto the scrumptious taste

Fishing calms my nerves

I can feel my thoughts rushing through my head like a flash flood

If I stopped on any one thought though

I couldn't even recollect what the thought before it was

~*~

My mom and I were driving down Bayshore Road

when she passed out cold

I was a very terrified nine year old

I didn't know what to do

Attempts to wake my mother failed

I put my left hand on the steering wheel

and tried to keep her in her lane

My mom was slumped over to the right

She grabbed the steering wheel and steered the car off the road

then she applied the brake

all the while still slumped over towards me

I put the car in park

After a few minutes she sat up and got back on the road

She yelled at me

I was confused, upset, and scared

She said I should have steered the car off the road

instead of trying to keep it on the road

Having always been terrified of being in another car accident

I was more afraid to swerve off the road than stay on it

and I didn't know what was going on with her

It was a harrowing few moments that seemed to last a very long time

~*~

I'm getting a new dad again

My last name is changing again

I need a score card

We went to court for the adoption process again

I asked the judge

"what if I don't want to be adopted again?"

He said that I had no choice

We weren't even out of the corridor yet after the proceedings

when my mother shoved me into the wall

gritted her teeth

pressed them to my cheek

squeezed my arm

and cussed me out

as an "ungrateful, evil, little bitch"

who didn't consider the feelings of others before I spoke

She further explained that I was rude

and I must apologize to my new father

In addition I was to thank him for adopting me

I complied out of sheer fear of her wrath

Then I got bent over his knee and paddled when we arrived home

for being blatantly disrespectful at court

~*~

I've always known heartache

but now I know injustice

and loss

and helplessness

I know there are many ways to break a child's spirit

I need to know all that chipping away at my soul

can be undone by the good and happy moments

I received an adorable and sweet pit bull puppy for my birthday

She is a blue brindle pit, with a black patch over her eye

I named her Bandit because she stole my heart

and her eye patch marking made her look tough

She is so sweet

She licks my face and makes me laugh

I love her so much

Shane was teasing her one day, just playing with her

She left a scratch on his nose

There was barely any blood from the scratch

but they sent my Bandit to the pound

They told me she would be labeled aggressive

and subsequently destroyed

I cried so hard I couldn't catch my breath

I was so indescribably angry

I felt it was my brother's fault

therefore if anyone had to leave

it should be him

I'm embarrassed to say that is truly how I saw things

She did nothing wrong

She was a puppy who got condemned for doing what puppies do

Shane was just a little boy who meant no harm of course

but it didn't matter

I cry until I can't eat

I get in trouble for not eating

I just want my puppy back

They killed my innocent puppy

Once an animal has shown aggression

it is considered unfit to be adopted out and must be put to sleep forever

A ten year old with a broken heart

I wanted to go sleep forever with my puppy

So I could be with her always

I miss her

NAMES on the BLACKBOARD

Today at school it hurt so badly when I went pee

It smells awful

like an infected sore on fire

Also when I try to pee

nothing comes out

it hurts

I'm afraid to tell my mommy about it

I have to go to the restroom

more times than my teacher will allow

I am terrified I will have an accident

I just want to die

I hate my life

I hate who I am

I am so ugly

ugly

ugly

Why am I the only one who is this ugly?

I don't want to keep suffering everyday

what can I do

I have no say

I had to get glasses because I can't see the blackboard

Now I'm uglier than I already was

I can't wait to go babysit

At least I can watch cartoons and play

I have no friends at school

The kids I babysit love me

not enough for me to want to wake up everyday though

I'm almost nine

Avoiding mom is working out fine

What about the rest of it though?

My teacher wrote my name on the blackboard today

Not good

I couldn't stop staring at it

I stared at my name on the blackboard all day long

What did I do?

Why did he put my name on the board?

It means you're in trouble if your name is on the board

I'm scared

I'm a good girl

I didn't break any rules

What's going to happen to me?

Will I get paddled?

I'm going to get paddled

Kids with their name on the board always get the big wooden paddle

When my mom finds out, I'm going to get hurt again

I couldn't focus on my work

All I could think about was

"What did I do wrong to get my name on the blackboard?"

I was sick to my stomach

I cried for a few minutes a few times throughout the day

I couldn't eat my lunch

I was too upset and nauseated

School is almost over

My heart is pounding in my ears

I am about to get hit really hard on my bottom with the paddle

and everyone will think I am a bad person

I won't be able to deal with the pain

I just know it

I want to run out the door screaming and escape before he hits me

He called all the kids who have their name on the blackboard

to go into the hallway

He's already out there with the intimidating paddle

He instructs us to put our hands on the brick wall

and to bend over with our feet apart

My eyes fill with tears

He starts with the boy closest to the door

He pulls the paddle back up over his shoulder

He counts

One, two,....

"APRIL FOOLS!!!!", he shouts

I was shaking

I fell to the floor

sobbing

All the kids laughed

My teacher laughed

I wasn't laughing

I was a wreck

I wanted to beat my teacher's head in with that stupid paddle

Let me just smash his deranged head into a horrible

bloody

unidentifiable

mess

and spread his brains and blood down the hallway walls

I picture my vengeance in my mind

I was so angry and still shaking

~*~

The next year I chose football for my physical education program

My family always watched football and got so revved up about it

It looked like something that would make me happy

There was only one other girl in the football group of kids

The teacher passed out strips of plastic to half the kids

I thought we were there to learn to play football

but apparently we were expected to already know how to play

All of the other kids did

They ran out to the field and got into certain positions

I had no idea what to do

Our teacher didn't explain it to me

He just kicked me out of the class

He yelled at me when he kicked me out of class

I was scared

The other kids looked at me and laughed

I cried

GIFTED BLOODY HOMEWORK

I have no friends at home or at school

I have given up trying to make friends

My school life is unbearable and lonely

I am a complete outcast

School work is stressful

Homework is a mine field

My teachers hate me

My parents hate me more

My little brothers have each other

I'm left out

I look like a dork in these home-made clothes

I look like a starving orphan in high-water hand-me-downs

thick rimmed brown glasses

a bowl hair cut

I am a girl

It's hard to tell

I look like a monster

Nobody likes me

Nobody will play with me

I smile and ask nicely

if they would like to play

Sometimes they say "no"

Sometimes they just walk away

It has been this way since as long as I can remember

I finally stopped asking

~*~

I was put into a special class that I have to go to each day for a few hours

I start out each day in my own class

then when an announcement asks for all

Major Work Area kids to please report to the MWA building

I have to go

I am the only one out of my class who has to go

so everyone stares at me

I don't understand the point of this class

There are three teachers in here

One teacher explains that it is a class for gifted kids

I have no idea what she means by that

so I try to take clues from the room and the work

The teachers are overly nice to us

speaking to us like adults would speak to a baby

Instead of 32 kids to one teacher

there are 15 kids to three teachers

It wasn't set up with desks and chairs

but rather looked like a playroom with comfortable seating

There were so many posters on the wall

stating some sort of positive affirmation with some cute animal on them

The work we were given was different than our regular class work

I still never finish my work in the allotted time

but in MWA no one scolds me for it

They take it away

give me something else

then give me back my unfinished work to complete

After each assignment, they graded it right there and gave it back

In addition to a grade, there would be a smile and a positive notation

I felt very embarrassed to be part of Major Work Area

because I felt singled out and treated like an idiot

Going back to class having everyone stare at me made me even more self-conscious

Kids would tell me only stupid kids go to MWA

My MWA teachers said it's for gifted kids

I still have no idea what a gifted kid is but apparently they think I am one of them

I'm guessing gifted means stupid

I do enjoy being in a class with less kids

and where the teachers didn't yell at me

I never got the point of being singled out to go to MWA for most of the day

so I just looked at it like an in-school vacation

~*~

The school had a spaghetti dinners from time to time

I am very happy that we were able to go this once

I love the smell of the school spaghetti

I don't like tomato sauce

but it tastes different than regular spaghetti sauce

School spaghetti smells like a warm, edible hug

~*~

This blue stuff in little white paper cups is disgusting

blechthppth

Just putting the paper cup to my mouth irritates my senses

They told us it's fluoride, and this is not optional

We have to swish the fluoride for 30 seconds every Monday

it's supposed to be good for our teeth

I don't care if it's supposed to give us super-powers, it's nasty

I don't like it

It gives me headaches and makes me feel sluggish

~*~

I needed to use the restroom

but my teacher would not let me go

I begged him to please let me

I pleaded and cried and still he refused me permission

I peed my pants in class

I already know what's going to happen when I switch the live nightmare from school to home

Braced to catch another beating I don't deserve

~*~

A girl from school tricked me

She knocked on the door

When I opened it

I was rushed

crushed

pounded and pummeled

She held me down

Twice my size

Two of her friends

bruised me good

blacked my eyes

punched me in my stomach hard

then hit me in my gut with a gallon jug filled with water

It spilled all over me and the floor

10 years old getting my ass kicked in my own home

I don't bother to cry

My mom came home

She asked about the mess in the kitchen

I had to tell her that I was jumped by three older kids from school

She told me I probably deserved it

if for no other reason than just being stupid and ugly

She's probably right

I wanted to punch myself in the face right about now

Still, it broke my heart when she said that instead of comforting me

I must have hit my head pretty hard on the floor when they knocked me down

if I seriously was hoping or expecting my mother to comfort me

~*~

Home is full of injustice

School is full of injustice

It's funny how I play pretend school with my stuffed animals

but clearly I loathe being at school

I am a silly girl

~*~

Most kids hate homework from what I hear

but not like I hate it

If my homework isn't completely correct

with perfect handwriting

my parents tear it up and make me start over

They smack me

pull my hair

slam my face down onto the table

screaming at me that I'm doing something incorrectly

I cry on the paper

and sometimes bleed on it

Then it has to be crumbled up and I must start over again

I end up staying up all night sometimes

My father is a beast over math and science

and my mother gets to be the monster with all other subjects

It takes me hours and hours to complete my homework

Do other kids get beat up by their parents over their homework too?

I wondered

~*~

When my mom leaves for work in the morning

she takes something out of the freezer to either thaw on the counter

or throw into the slow cooker

then she gives me a list of chores to be done before she gets home

Part of my responsibility, is to delegate some of the chores to my younger brothers

One is four years younger than me

and the other is six years younger

They were much too young to be saddled with responsibility

but I couldn't do it all myself

I would give them their tasks

and they would ignore me

completely refusing to do what I asked of them

I'd get beat for not having the list completed

Her hand

a belt

a ping pong paddle

a wooden spoon

a pie spatula

a shoe

pretty much anything would do

She was standing at the edge of the living room, in the kitchen

I was in the living room, standing in front of the couch

I turned to say something to her

just in time to duck a thick, glass soda bottle speeding at my face

It shattered the mirror hanging on the wall above the couch behind me

Is she trying to kill me or did she not think that through

I went to bed shaken that night

Playing it over and over again in my mind as I fell asleep

Why does she hate me so much?

SEXUAL ASSAULT, ARMED HOME INVASION, and PORNOGRAPHY

Collecting book pledges for muscular dystrophy for school

I like to read because I can read faster than most kids

which prompts teachers to say "good job" to me

instead of all the negative crap they usually say

as if it's somehow their place to pick up where my mother left off

I only go to trailers of people we know

A great idea

unless the lady across the street is at work

Her husband is home

He hollers for me to come in

He is in the living room at the opposite end from where I entered

I came in through the back door of the trailer

down the narrow hall to my left

through the kitchen

As I enter the living room

I can see that he has no shirt on

It's South Florida, many guys walk around without a shirt

He was seated on the couch in a white towel

I look at the front door to the right of me

left of where he is seated

The chain is across the door

My heart started to race

I told him I could come back later

and I turn to go

He got up from the couch

grabbed my left wrist, sliding down to my hand

gently ushering me back into the living room assuring me that "it's ok"

He sat back on the couch

I explained what I'm collecting pledges for

hoping at this point he will decline so I can leave

He tells me to put him down for a certain amount

I knelt on the floor at his coffee table across from him

to write it down on the form I had

I was so nervous that I felt dizzy

I wanted to leave

His cat sat on my paper

I saw out of my peripheral vision as he opened his towel to his left

and started to move his hand up and down on his privates

My eyes filled with tears as I pulled the paper out from under his cat and tried to run

He grabbed me from across the coffee table

His towel fell to fully expose his private parts

I cried and begged him to let me go

as he was picking me up by my left arm and my pants

He dropped me onto his couch

and started to get on top of me

as he touched my hand to his private part

which was sticking out straight at me

While he was swiftly positioning me

from standing on the other side of the coffee table

to petrified on my back on the couch

I had inadvertently kicked the coffee table

with his cat still sitting on it where my paper had been

It distracted him long enough for me to push myself backwards

enabling me to stand up on the couch

to achieve the shortest distance to the door

With one foot on the arm of the couch

and the other on a small end table by the door

it had taken a second for me to get the chain off the door with one hand

unlocking the door knob with the other hand

He grabbed me by my left ankle as I flung the door open

I took a dive out the open door

I quickly scrambled to my feet in a fearful panic

and ran like my pathetic life depended on it

I couldn't go home

We're not allowed inside during the day

I hid in the shed next door where I babysit

My heart was pounding like never before

I was shaking and nauseous

too stunned to bother with any more crying

I just sit in the shed next door

amidst the garden tools

broken bikes

and scores of cigarette butts from the neighborhood kids

who use it as a dingy substitute for a lack of tree houses in a trailer park

I sit in the corner

silent

just hiding from life

I sit there rest of the day

I don't even leave to use the restroom

or eat

I just wait until it's time to go home

I was trying to decide

if this is something I should tell my brothers or my mother about

My decision didn't matter

because he and his wife moved the very next day

trailer and all

I felt more robbed of justice than relieved of his absence

My spirit, what's left of it, was quickly dying at age 11

I wondered to myself in the following weeks

if anyone noticed that I quit talking

quickly reminding myself

that they never heard me in the first place

~*~

Our grandfather gave us warm beer when we went to visit at his TV repair shop

Shane puked

It was gross

The warm beer and the puking

~*~

A man with a gun broke in the trailer next door

where I was babysitting

The six year old is sleeping

in the living room with me

on the pull out couch

her baby brother in his crib in the back

All I can do is laugh

Not a typical reaction I'm sure

What does he hope to find?

He rummages through the trailer

paying us kids no mind

He does realize he's in a trailer park right?

I ask him exactly that

He quickly runs out the door

Like he didn't know we were there

watching him

Weirdest thing I've ever seen

11 years old still

Midnight armed home invasion for a thrill?

~*~

I use the vacuum cleaner I had received for my

12th birthday to make more money

I charge 25 cents per room

I like to vacuum

I find it just as soothing as mowing lawns

I charge $3 per lawn

I feel uncomfortable when people try to pay me

I like to do things just to be nice

My mom sets the prices and she is also the one who sets up my customers

Since all the yards in a trailer park are connected

and there are no fences

I leave my mower running when I'm finished

The customer doesn't know that I 'm finished and have left

They come to our trailer to pay my mom

I hide under my bed because I don't have a closet to hide in

I don't like to take money

I like to cut the grass

I like making something look neat and clean

which is why I like to vacuum too

Jobs like babysitting, cutting grass, and vacuuming keep me out of my home

but sometimes being in someone else's home

is down right creepy

Four single men moved into our old trailer

The one who had my old room

had hundreds of naked girl posters all over the walls

It was so awkward and nasty

I don't like how one of the other guys looks at me

sometimes I get scared, tremble, and cry

but no one ever bothered me

They were actually very nice to me

Maybe that's what scared me most

SNAKES UNDER OUR SHED

We wring the neck of chickens and ducks

in the small aluminum shed next to our trailer

then pluck them so they can become dinner

When I was in the shed hanging and plucking a duck

I heard something moving under the shed

I told my dad

Later I went out the back door of the trailer

to see the shed moved aside from the posts in was set above the ground on

and my parents and grandfather were checking out a rat

that had fallen out of the belly of one of the rattlesnakes they had just killed

There was a nest of rattlesnakes under the shed that my brothers and I go into every day?

We see water moccasins at the park across the street all the time

but I've never seen rattle snakes before

They are prettier than the water moccasins

I was sad for them having to be killed

Obviously they were keeping our property rat-free by the looks of it

My brothers and I thought it was interesting how the rat was still whole

in the belly of a snake

NATURE

I love to be outside in the sunshine

I have to practice my saxophone at the back of the property

so I don't bother anyone

I like it because the bushes have formed little rooms and large tree stumps

I pretend it's my house

The property across the street from us is 25 acres of land

with a long driveway

a building in the back of the property

a little pond

some cows

and a street light where the driveway meets the road

There are no other street lights out here at all

even where the dirt roads meet the main roads

so I'm pretty sure

that we moved in across the street from the only street light

because it is meant to be my spotlight

It's been here waiting for me

to come out at night

to sing to the fireflies and lonely cows

I can sing as loud as I want to

and no one can hear me

The cows have never complained

and the fireflies attend all my concerts

so I must sound pretty amazing

When I come out to dance in the deep mud puddles

in thunderstorms

my dad teases me

on my way out the door

he tells me

"don't forget to smile"

Because of the lightening and my braces

He thinks he's so funny

Is is pretty funny

when he's not sick, hooked up to a dialysis machine

or hitting my brothers for something they didn't do

It amazes me that the nicest people can also be the meanest people

I wish he was nice all time

Like in the mornings when I'm leaving for school

He hands me an open can of cream of mushroom soup

and a spoon

as he smiles and tells me to have a nice day

I like that, because we both know if he didn't bother to do that

I wouldn't eat anything until my lettuce with ranch dressing and orange juice at lunch time

On the way to the bus stop

eating my condensed soup straight from the can

I talk to the spirit of Jesus

I talk as if he's right there with me

I talk to him like I would talk to a friend

if I had any

By the time I get to the bus stop

I feel I've worked everything out that's twisting my mind

I don't always make it to the bus stop though

There once was a very large snake

clear across the dirt road perpendicular to the one I live on

My instinct was to turn and run

because the only time I have ever seen a snake that huge

was at the zoo in Ohio when we went to visit where my dad grew up

I didn't turn and run though

I wanted a closer look

I wasn't sure if that was a good idea though

Here I am, looking at this snake in the road

that's longer than I am tall

I'm not going back

I'm not going forward

I don't really know what to do

I could stand here and continue to stare at it I guess

I decided to holler for the people who lived in the trailer

on the property the snake was almost in front of

They're on the other side of the snake from me

so it's not like I can go knock on their door

They heard me calling for someone

The snake moved to the side of the road their property was on

The first guy saw me so I pointed to the snake

He went back in and came out with a shovel and a couple more guys

I didn't want him to hurt the snake

I just thought I shouldn't be alone out here with it

One of the other guys left for a minute

returning with another shovel and a shotgun

I started screaming for them to please don't kill it

He said they weren't going to kill it

The weapon and shovels were to protect them

so they could help me past the snake to go to the bus stop

I told them I wouldn't make it to my bus stop in time by now

I called them out because I didn't know what to do about this enormous snake

I didn't want to just leave it there

What if a dog or a small child came by here?

They told me to go home and they would handle it

I turned to start back to my home

After a few minutes

I heard a shot gun blast

then another

and I could hear them hitting with their shovels

I cried

I didn't mean to get that poor snake murdered

Out here we expect to have alligators in our ponds

and snakes on our property

Not snakes that big

but I still felt bad

MY BIKE, a SEMI, and a NEW DAD

Owning a bike is an odyssey in a trailer park

unless you like trekking around the whole day long

looking for the parts of your bike

to put it back together again

It's been repainted by the thief or thieves twice now

Once again it's been stolen like so many times before

This time I saw it being stolen and I know the kid from school

I called my mom at work

She told me to walk to the bus stop and take the bus

since I couldn't ride my bike to school.

When we got home we went to the boys' house

He hadn't had time to disassemble it because of school

His dad was fuming mad

forcing his son to give me his mumble of a fake apology

I was just happy to have my bike back in one piece

When I took the bus to school, I played alto saxophone in band class

I forget why I had to start riding my bike to school

but I couldn't carry the sax on the bike

so I was forced to switch to the flute

My band teacher was furious

I cried my eyes out when I had to change instruments

I love playing the alto sax

I was first chair sax almost every week

and had never been lower than second chair

There were three times more flute players

My band teacher was clear that he didn't want another one

He kept me last chair every week, out of 32 flute players

There was no way I was that bad

This was punishment

I am used to punishment for circumstances beyond my control

I still cry it out though

A few weeks later I was riding my bike home from school

I was run off road by a 16 wheeler

My bike went one way

I went another

My face smashed into the ground

chipping one of my front teeth

Blood was pouring all over my white Holly Hobby shirt

It was one of my favorite shirts

Age 12 is not boring at least

~*~

Locked out all day every day

we hang at the park across the street

Throw rocks at Water Moccasins/Cotton Mouths in the ditch

Just to see them open their mouth because it looks so interesting

We never consider how the snakes must feel

At the park we try to fend off the teenage kids from forcing

us little kids to smoke cigarettes and weed

"Why would anyone smoke weeds?" I wondered

I have got to pee, but the park bathroom is out of order

I went home

Our door is locked

Good thing trailers are so easy to break into

Pull up on the knob

Lean towards the hinges

See your mother on the living room floor

In her panties

Twisted up with the neighbor in his underwear

I grabbed my Bible out of my bedroom

Ran out the back door

To the neighbor behind us as fast as I can go

She called my mother who allowed me stay with the neighbor until my dad got home

I cried while I waited

wondering what else I don't know

~*~

Now my parents are getting divorced again

She says it's all my fault and that I can go with him

because I don't want to live with her anymore

He permitted me go with him

We stayed at his parents house but they didn't like me

I thought it was because I threw up in their car

I get car sick and their car smelled awful because it was new

I couldn't hold it back

It turns out they didn't like me because I wasn't his kid

He returned me after two weeks

Apparently I was supposed to have missed my mom enough to want to go home

I would have never gone home

not ever

~*~

She married the neighbor

My new dad now

We went to the beach a few times before the wedding

Now we never will go again

My cousin was antagonizing me at the wedding reception

I was wearing a pretty light blue dress so I didn't want to get dirty

I kept trying to get him to leave me alone

My grandfather intervened

He twisted my arm behind my back

while twisting my cousin's arm behind his back

and put us both face down on the concrete

I skinned my knees and forehead

My arm hurt so bad that I thought it was going to break

I was screaming and crying

This is the man who raised my mother

in case anyone was wondering why she is the way she is

~*~

We went back to court to be adopted again

My mother made sure to use enough profanity

to convey to me

to be on my best behavior

so as not to have me ruining the proceedings again

by voicing my opinion on being adopted again

We moved from our trailer into his

It was a disgusting mess

I've been afraid to sleep since almost my first breath

as I have always feared for my safety

and often expected to be murdered in my sleep by one of my parents

Now I have to worry about the cockroaches crawling on me in my sleep

and the huge palmetto bugs that fly

I try to sleep with the lights on but I cannot

We were homeless for awhile when I was little

and had to stay with a family where the kids slept with the lights on

It freaked me out then but now I wish I could sleep with the lights on

There's a constant line of boric acid outlining the interior of our messy trailer

It's supposed to be to keep the cockroaches out

Surely I can't be the only one who's noticed it's not working

I liked to hide under my bed

and sometimes sleep under my bed, tucked up in the corner in a ball

as close to being invisible as I could be

Soon my glasses were traded in for contacts

my crooked fanged teeth were slowly being dragged into a more aesthetically pleasing formation

by metal brackets, wire, and the tiniest rubber bands I'd ever seen

and my fortress of invisibility known as my bed

was traded in for a rectangle of fabric-covered foam

that rolled into a place to sit in the day and unfolded into a pad to lay on at night

I went from being afraid of being murdered in my sleep by my parents

to being afraid bugs would crawl into my body through my mouth or ears as I slept

I was so tired and drained by the end of my days

but as tired and exhausted as I was

sleep was impossible

I would pretend to be asleep to get out of having to deal with my mother

I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only one who did such

~*~

She gave us a choice to call our new dad by his name

or to call him "dad"

forgetting to mention it wasn't really a choice

Now we're all in trouble because we all made the wrong choice

Shane got his head split open front and back

because our dad liked him the least of all three of us kids

It wasn't fair and it made me hate him for hurting my brother

12 years old

I wish I could protect my brothers yet I can't even protect myself

~*~

Every school year we have to bring all of our clothing out into the living room to try it all on

to see what still fits and what doesn't

so she can figure out what clothes we need for school

It's quite embarrassing getting down to just my underwear

in front of my little brothers

Down-right humiliating

I doubt they were all that comfortable with it either

We walked around the house

in our super-hero underwear with matching tank top when we were younger

and we all wandered around in nothing but underwear before we moved to Florida

I started wearing an under-tee tank

but still we all walked around in our underwear even in Florida

I'm getting older and this just seemed different and awkward

no privacy

no dignity

no choice in the matter

PUBERTY, SWIMMING, and WHAT DAUGHTER?

Hanging out in my brothers room

Laying on the top bunk in my night gown

My mother entered the room to tell us something

she paused

looked at me

and informed me in front of my little brothers

that I had started my period

No one ever discussed periods or puberty with me

Out side of her sexually explicit jokes that I clearly don't get

and sexual assault that nearly resulted in rape

I know nothing of such things

I looked at her confused and asked, "What?"

She responded with, "unless you've recently gotten fucked?"

I'm a 12 year old virgin with no clue why she says these things to me

I was stunned

embarrassed

I got cleaned up and avoided my brothers for a few days

So humiliating

~*~

Halloween dressed as Smurffette from The Smurfs

Face covered in blue grease paint

Bound by threats and fear

to sit here in the living room of the trailer

in this yellow and orange floral print kitchen chair

until they return

Not all chains that bind are physical

some of the strongest ones are mental

Under penalty of a beating, I don't dare to touch my painted face

no matter how badly it itched

My family has gone to a costume contest

Leaving me alone at home

After the contest, they meant to come back for me

to go trick-or-treating as a family

Hours go by

confined to this uncomfortable chair

covered in itchy grease paint

My knees and back hurt

Wondering how long I'll be stuck there

Hours go by some more

I hear the keys in the front door

For hours now it's been dark

They were on the other side of the trailer park

when they noticed they forgot me

No point in coming back she said

13 years old

Pretty sure she did this to me on purpose

I was watering the plants today

when I made a huge mistake

I discovered when I put the hose to the ground

it sucks the hose down into the Earth

I found that pretty interesting

Apparently I greatly mis-judged how much of the hose

the ground had actually consumed

I couldn't get the hose out

When my mother is home

we aren't allowed inside after chores and lunch to dinner

When she is gone

we aren't allowed outside

except to water the plants

When she's at work

she calls home to check on us

I told her about the hose, but I down-played it

I told her I would get it out

When she called the second time

she asked me if I had gotten the hose out

I lied

I told her I had gotten it out when I actually had not

What a mess of water, dirt, and lots of sand

I was of course in trouble for lying

Digging the hose out was my punishment for getting it stuck

That took some time

~*~

I love swimming

My brothers and I had gone swimming at summer camp before

and then we joined some kind of swimming program through the city

I took life saving classes, though I was too young to be a life guard

I still earned a certification which made me feel ten feet tall

It was a lot of fun

I also attended swimming competitions

Those were not fun

They were nerve-wracking

I absolutely hate the gun shot that starts our races

it hurts my chest and makes me tense

Not the best way to start a task

I hate loud noises altogether

but that gun shot makes me a wreck

I also don't like having to start the race from up on a block

I don't like being that high above the pool

To top it all off

I hate competition

I have a hard enough time trying to make friends

Beating someone at something

doesn't improve my odds of endearment

Racing is so stressful to me

Why can't anyone see that I am not enjoying this

I love swimming

I love the life saving classes

but I do not love these races

My life is not optional

I do what I'm told

My mother doesn't grasp that I am very different from other kids

and what she thinks I should be happy doing

isn't necessarily what makes me happy

So, fine

whatever

swimming competitions it is

I was getting pretty good

My dad was supportive when I didn't win

and genuinely congratulatory when I did

I didn't understand the concept of heats

no matter how my dad explained it to me

so I just went up on the block when I was told

and did what ever particular stroke I was told

The morning of a race at the pool

my mother was cussing and griping at me

She has slapped me around at home prior to leaving for the pool

She was angry with me about something unrelated to swimming

I don't remember what I was being scolded for

I just remember feeling anxious

upset

tense

and I started to cry again

She grabbed my face with one hand

squeezing my cheeks together

grit her teeth and cussed at me against my ear

then shoved me away

I went up onto the block sobbing

The gun fired

I dove into the water and started to swim

I was having trouble breathing when I turned my head

My crying became a panic

trying to breathe intermittently between strokes

and not getting any air because I was crying

I thought I would drown

The rules are, you must finish the race

I had to walk the last half of a lap because the race was over

but I couldn't swim it because I couldn't breathe

My muscles felt like they were burning

The humiliation of it just made me cry even harder

I was shaking with anger when I got out

I wanted to punch my mother in her face

and drown her right there in front of everyone

I never wanted to swim again

I was done

Done with all of it

It would be over 30 years

before I'm able to put my face or head under water again

PETS, FIRE, and MY RAGE

We just got acquired two beautiful Great Danes

Max and Dolly

We love them

They love us

I secretly worry for their safety

There's no room inside our small trailer

So my parents only bring them in at night

My brothers stayed home from school sick today

They each took put of my gerbils

in two separate jeeps

to have a head-on

collision in the hall way

to see what would happen

What happened is one died

and the other was paralyzed

I cried

My mom tried to save it's life

but it died too

Their next "to see what would happen" adventure

my brothers lit their orange and yellow shag carpet on fire

I mean really...who wouldn't?

Mom taught them a lesson on the what would happen theory

she took one favorite item from each boy

put it on the grill

hosed it down with lighter fluid

WOOSH

Age 13 watching my two favorite people

being taught an important lesson

in a very volatile manner

Both my baby brothers stood solemn in a flood of tears

I cried for them

I visualized slamming my mother's face into the iron grill while it was fully ablaze

~*~

We leave the trailer park for five acres in the boonies

dirt roads

a mile walk to the bus stop

isolation

tall grass

flooded by heavy rain

hot sun

snakes and critters

child labor

spreading compost and "sludge" aka processed raw sewage

pounding old street signs into the ground to protect the garden from wild critters

cutting five acres with a push mower

milking mama goat at 4 am

who clearly doesn't want to be milked at any time of day

walking a mile to catch the bus

watching out for snakes and alligators

Life just went from bad to worse

13 years old looking at this secluded property

visualizing our parents burying our dead bodies out here

and no one would ever know

~*~

My dad started teaching me to write code

which was a lot of fun

He loved all things math, science, and technology

He had no idea how it would help me in school with my teachers

The teachers didn't have any idea what they were doing in my computer class

I whispered that I knew how to do what they were trying to do

I didn't mean to bring attention to myself

It just popped out

but it was the one class that I ended up looking forward to going to

I was able to teach teachers

I found that to be empowering

I've never felt empowered before

Soon teachers from other computer class periods were asking me for assistance

They were all so nice to me

Teachers were rarely, if ever, nice to me

It only lasted nine weeks but I wish I had stuck with it

I probably would have done something awesome with my life

~*~

I learned there's things in life

far worse than punches that put me through my paneled walls

The words spoken that

sting and stick with you

the hopelessness

of knowing you are worthless

knowing you are only alive to carry out tasks

the adults would prefer to sit out

14 toting heavy things about

hanging felt blankets on my walls to hide the holes

and posters on my door to hide more holes

I hide under my bed

sometimes I fall asleep

I feel safe there

My mother burst through my door

swearing and yelling at me for stealing money from her purse

I have never stolen anything out of her purse

I think she just uses it as an excuse to beat me up

It never dawns on her or me

that Shane coming home from school with new Garbage Pail kids cards

candy

video games

and all kinds of other stuff

that he is the thief

He tells her his friend gave it to him

I've always been gullible

but how can she see him with new possessions

and me with nothing new

and think that I am the thief?

I caught many a beating for his thievery

Did he not care that I was being violently punished

for crimes he had committed?

Was this his way of punishing me

for something happening to him that I didn't know about

and therefore couldn't stop?

I will never know

I decidedly don't want to know

now that it has passed and there is nothing I can do to change anything

~*~

Our Great Danes liked to follow us to the bus stop

It was a mile from our house

but they were always back home when we got back

One of the kids at my bus stop was throwing rocks at my dogs

When we got on the bus I asked a boy in the back seat

to ask the kid if he could check out his glasses

As soon as the kid handed his glasses to the other boy

I jumped him

punching him in his face like rapid fire of relentless vengeance

I had to be pulled off of him by three other kids

Weak as a lethargic kitten until I get angry

When I sat back in my seat

shaking with anger and adrenaline

the kid got up off of the floor

and apparently raised his hand to strike me in the back of my head

A boy a few rows up from me

jumped up and lunged at the kid about to hit me

he tackled him to the bus floor and finished what I had started

The bus driver hadn't seen me attack the kid

but she did see the other boy do it

She suspended him off the bus for three days

and the kid who had thrown rocks at my dogs

She didn't suspend me

but I felt responsible and took the suspension on my own

It was the least I could do for trouble I had caused a kid I'd never even spoken to

Everyone on that bus had always talked ill of this boy who had protected me

He and his brothers were always dirty, in torn clothes, and no one liked them

He really did look like an orphaned bum

and smelled worse than he looked

with broken black teeth an greasy hair

but to me he was a hero

I walked miles with him until passers-by would pick us up on their way to school

No one ever threw rocks at my dogs ever again

and that kid who did sincerely apologized to me

BIG BLACK CAULDRON

Sometimes I do things

without thinking it through at all

Our life is miserable

I like to find peace or levity whenever possible

When we kill the chickens, we have to chop off their head

then dip them for ten seconds in the scalding hot water

in the big black cauldron over the fire

We lay them on the large wooden spools we use for outside tables to pluck their feathers out

Next we chop off their feet

I noticed that when I chop off the feet

I can pull on the end of a tendon to make the claw close

I was playing with a chicken foot when I got this bright idea to freak out my mother

She was helping Shane with his chicken as I crept up to her ever so silently

I held the chicken foot up behind her head

I pulled the tendon so the claw closed around her long dangle earring

She turned her head startled

As soon as she realized it was a chicken foot grabbing her earring

she screamed so loud I think people the next county over might have heard her

I braced myself for a beating I considered to be totally worth it

but my brothers were laughing so hard that my mom couldn't help but laugh too

I couldn't contain myself so I started laughing too

We laughed until we were nearly purple

I never did get in trouble for it

My mother thought it was "clever and hilarious"

I wish life was always like this

Full of laughter, I mean, not stinky dead chickens

LEARNING LIFE LESSONS in DRAMATIC FASHION

Blazing hot Florida sun

It's 102 degrees

Tied to a post

I see my brothers

tied to theirs

Too far apart to console each other

We forgot to water some of the animals yesterday

Now we are the animals

The whole day passes

No food

No water

No bathroom breaks

No idea what this is supposed to accomplish

other than to further brand humility into my very tired mind

I'm 14, Shane is 10, Justin is 8

If we died out here today would it matter

~*~

A life without sugar or sweets

watching my mother consume them in front of us

while denying such things to us

is no excuse for a lapse in my character

but alas, I am not nor have I ever been perfect

I had the not so bright idea

to steal one of my mom's Pepsi's

out of her fridge

They saw me

I knew they saw me

yet I denied doing it

Fatherly fist to my head

When I regained consciousness

I was looking up at them as they sat at the kitchen table

that evil look on my mom's face

my dad with no expression as if I wasn't even there

I learned my lesson well

I do not steal

I do not lie

I do cross my heart

and at 14

I do hope to die

SPEEDING WHEELIE and a WHISKEY THROTTLE in a DITCH

Once in awhile, Dusty, a boy who was a little older than us

who went to a different school

would drive his ATV down to our bus stop to ride each person home one at a time

I always declined the ride

After Dusty had taken everyone else home

he would come back, ride along-side me as I walked home

asking, "are you sure"

Then he would ride up the street a ways, come back, and again ask, "are you sure"

One year, the very last day of school

after the second, "are you sure"

I accepted the ride

He promised not to pop a wheelie

He lied

Dusty not only popped that wheelie

but he held it nearly all the way down the dirt road

at speeds that had me screaming like I was in a bad horror movie

It was so terrifying and fun

I punched him in his arm when he stopped to let me off

Then I hugged him and I could stop smiling

~*~

Sometime that summer, someone came to our parents pond party with their ATV

People were taking turns riding it around the area

When it came to my turn

I went down to my bus stop and back

Well, ok, not back exactly

more like into a deep ditch

I tried to turn down someone's driveway and missed

I when straight down into the ditch

I put my feet down to stop before I ended up going through the barbed wire fence

completely forgetting to take my thumb off the throttle

I ran over my own right leg

tearing all the flesh off it in a matter of seconds

before I realized

"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF THE THROTTLE, JACKASS!!!"

I was so pissed-off that I just left the ATV in the damn ditch

and limped half a mile home

My mother noticed I was limping and asked me what happened

She sent someone to fetch the ATV and took me into the house

She then made me stand in the tub while she poured a full bottle of alcohol down my leg

If that wasn't sadistic torture enough

she made me wear long socks that covered it up

so each day the scab the length of my calf would peel off with the sock

and each day she would clean it with alcohol

It's a wonder I ever spoke to her after that

15 years old and as angry as a swarm of bees after their hive was used as a pinata

~*~

My parents attempted to combine the rundown trailer on the property

with the trailer we moved out there in

My father tore off the outer wall to the old trailer with no plumbing

from one end of the living room to the kitchen

He built a walk-way from the opening to the door to their trailer

My father didn't have the proper permits so the city make him tear it down

It proved to be a huge waste of his limited money and months of hard work

Living in a trailer with no outer wall invited a lot of wildlife into my room

I already had trouble sleeping due to not feeling safe

Now I was even more afraid to sleep

it was like sleeping outside out in the backwoods

I have stood up on my bed and screamed for my dad to save me more times than I could count

COOKING ONIONS vs SANDWICH ONIONS

I tried marijuana before school one morning

toilet paper roll and tin foil

Who knew?

I was scared, but Charlotte told me it would help me

She was right

I forgot my troubles for 2 hours

I scored an A on my world history test

It eased my physical and emotional pain so I just wanted more

15 reaching out to anything to seek the refuge it would bring

~*~

I went to a party with Charlotte and started drinking

I would drink alcohol every chance I could

and there were plenty of places and opportunities to get it

I would get high with Charlotte on the way home from school

then get into any alcohol my mother had in the house

My dad came home early from work one day

to find me lying on my back on the kitchen floor

chopping an onion with a chef's knife on a wooden cutting board behind my head

I wasn't even looking at what I was doing

Not that I could see straight anyway being so bombed

He walked into the trailer and inquired as to what in the Hell I was doing exactly

I told him I was making dinner

Once I put the wrong kind of onion on my dad's sandwich when I was younger

Apparently there's "cooking onions" and then there's "sandwich onions"

I didn't know that

He made me peel a "cooking" onion and eat it right in front of him

So, here I am now, a couple of years later

stoned out of my mind

blind drunk

lying on the kitchen floor chopping an onion behind my head

I asked my dad, in all seriousness, if he wanted to make sure I had the right onion

"because I sure as shit ain't doing this twice"

My dad stood over me looking down at the cutting board

he looked right at my face and said

"looks alright to me"

and walked past me out the back door

After a few seconds passed

I burst out laughing

I couldn't stop

I turned over on my side, curled up into a ball

and laughed so much my stomach hurt

My dad came back inside

As calm as ever, he said

"Looks like dinner is going to take a while"

and he walked on, out the front door

He had to know I was completely hammered

He never mentioned it to me

and since my mother never beat me over it

I'm guessing he didn't tell her either

I never even had the guts to mention it

but I always wondered why he let me go about it

Usually when people let you go about a wrongful act

it's because they themselves are involved in a wrongful act

I started to wonder, "why was my dad home early?"

Never mind

I don't want to know

My secret is safe with him

Good enough for me

DIABETIC DAD

The scariest things

are the things we don't know

Dad is diabetic

that much I know

but what a "sugar coma" is

I'm about to find out

Riding home with my father

he twice passed our turn and we're now heading for water

no clue what to do and he doesn't respond

I'd rather be hit by him then be driven into Crystal Lake

I think

I'm not even sure about that

Dad's eyes are open but he isn't responding

Panic grows calm and the world goes mute

Heartbeat pounding in my head

I should throw it in park or we'll both be dead

I grabbed hold of the wheel beside my dad's hand

put the gear shift into neutral

we're slowing down but not fast enough

I waited too long trying to decide if I wanted us to drown

I didn't want to be wrong in whatever I decided to do

Like when my mother passed out and I did the wrong thing

Time to decide

I want to die, sure, but I can't let my dad die too

I put my arm across his chest and put the gear shift into park

the car jerks hard and makes a horribly loud sound

I can barely hear it for the pounding in my head though

It's louder than I can bear

My dad just sits there, blank, unresponsive

His safety still up to me

20 feet from the damn lake

I stare at it for a brief moment then I put the car in reverse

All my life been waiting to die

Here I am turning my back on my prime opportunity

Now I get to go home and suffer some more violence and hatred

It took us half an hour to drive ten minutes to home

I fell out of the car and screamed for my mom

"Dad nearly drove us into Crystal Lake"

If I was born for the moment to save my dad

then my birth wasn't a mistake

Still 15, still trembling

My mother gives my father juice and a banana

moving his jaw for him

He's responding enough to swallow

though most of the juice pours down onto his shirt

She had me call 911 while she was giving him the juice

They came and took him to the hospital

She was so mad at me though I'm not sure what I did wrong

but clearly it was something

I'm just happy my dad will be ok

If it was my mother in that car instead

I would have pushed my foot down on hers on the accelerator to drown us both

FAMILY RESTAURANT

Got a job as a hostess where mom is a waitress

didn't see the conflict of interest ahead

I soon saw it upside my head

The manager too busy making strange noises with the waitresses in the office

while the cooks and the supervisor weigh cocaine and pot on the kitchen scales

I am left to do the job of running the front

Doing too good of a job I got promoted so now I get to write sections

My mom doesn't like the section she got

I don't like the beating I got

I guess we're even

15 still feel like leaving

~*~

Except for dealing with my mother I really like this job

I get free food and I get to talk to nice adults

who feel my pain because they know my mom well

I go baby-sit for these people

The bus-boy is 25, from Mexico

He says this huge white pill will make me feel better about all the crap in my life

I did forget for a minute

It was dark in the room with a slight crack of light coming in

I was mesmerized by the way it really looked like a train coming at me

I couldn't sleep because I kept letting the light play with my mind

The whole next day was the weirdest things I've ever seen

Everything just looked funny and I couldn't stop laughing

I must have looked ridiculous

I think I'll stick with smoking weed at school

15 getting drugged by adult co-workers

What can I say, it was more fun than getting smacked around before a family photo

when we're expected to smile like we didn't just get our ass kicked

hair pulled

cussed out

belittled to the point of tears

"SMILE!"

The crazy shit that went on at work was far more exciting to my teenage brain

than the messed-up horror story that went on at home

BEWARE WHAT YOU WISH if YOU WISH to KICK MY ASS

A girl whom I had previously been friends with

was telling people in school that she was going to kick my ass

I grew bored of hearing about it day after day

so I rode my bike from my bus stop back down the highway to hers

She was just barely down her dirt road with a group of kids

I jumped off my bike while it was still rolling

smacked her books out of her hand

and screamed in her face

"if you really want to kick my ass, here it is, Bitch! Get started"

The kids she was with rallied around chanting "fight! fight!"

I punched her in the face, but she wouldn't hit me back

I hit her three more times yet she still wouldn't hit me

I kicked her in her crotch as hard as I could

Her eyes instantly welled-up

She finally started to fight back but she didn't have half my rage

Her brother commented on the blood running from her nose into her mouth

63

It did look like maybe I should stop

so I did

All the kids left including her brother

I walked her to her house

went inside with her and cleaned her up with a washcloth, cotton balls, and peroxide

Then I called her mother and told her what happened

I told her I would stay with her until she got home

The girl learned not to run her mouth about me

I learned beating old friends wouldn't make my pain go away

Her mom drove me home

happy that I had stayed with her daughter and cleaned her up

rather than to just leave her beat up and bleeding in the street

I also didn't start any more fights and word got around that although I may be a loser

I could scrap full tilt with no fear

I ran into some girls who didn't get that memo

They put me to the test the next semester

These girls were threatening me

at school

on the bus

every school day

The bus driver wouldn't let kids off at any other stop but their own

One day she heard the girls setting up a ride from their bus stop to mine

to jump me and kick my ass

The bus driver stopped me from getting off at my stop

The girls were so angry

I realized what was going on

My heart started to race

A few days later I realized I couldn't avoid them forever

The bus driver let me out on a street that led to mine from a different direction

far from the girls who were after me

I weighed 80 pounds soaking wet

and these were some big beefy girls that were after me

One day I just got off at my own stop

but before I stepped off the bus

I looked at one of them and told her to beware what she wished for

I'm sure I looked calm yet fierce on the outside

but I was pumping adrenaline hard and fast on the inside

All the kids on the bus went wild

as I stepped off the bus light-headed thinking

"What the Hell did you say that for?"

My bus driver was a sweet lady who was probably worried for my safety

As soon as I got off the bus and it pulled away

I ran into the woods and headed for my house through the backwoods of other people's property

Always a great way to get shot in the South

but I did not want to get hit and run over by them in their friend's car

My heart was pumping so hard I could hear it clear as day in my ears

I thought why does my mouth pop-off without engaging my brain

These girls were whales and I was krill

I heard a car barreling down the dirt road

It was them of course

They didn't see me

but then they backed up

They did see me

Five of them got out of the car

Three of them jumped the ditch to run after me in the muddy woods

One gave up and went back to the road

The largest girl knocked me down and sat on me

She asked the other girl if she could hurt me

While she was asking permission to ruin my day

I popped my retainer out of my mouth and buried my teeth into her enormous forearm

Chipping the back of one of my front teeth when I was younger was about to come in handy

It was now razor sharp

Blood started to run as I felt my teeth sink into her soft, squishy flesh

She was screaming "my arm! my arm!"

She tried to get up off of me

but I held onto any part of the ground I could grasp with one hand

and grabbed onto a fist full of her hair with the hand

other pulling her back down onto me

where 30 seconds ago she thought that's where she wanted to be

I shook my head side to side as furiously as I could

pushing down towards the ground

pulling her full weight forward and down

Her own weight was now contributing to the weight of my bite

Her friend started screaming that she was sorry and please let her go

I let go while at the same time tried to get out from under her

moving forward and away

I spit her blood and bits of flesh at her and started laughing

I have never seen two fat girls run so fast

I spit like those redneck boys cheeking their daddy's tobacco in the back of the bus

I could have walked home on the road

but I was concerned they might come back to run me over with their car

I continued walking home through the woods until I got to the property across the street from ours

I walked around it to the dirt road and walked home

It took me 30 minutes longer than usual to get home

I was a muddy, bloody, scratched up mess

No one was home so I got cleaned up and went about my usual day

First to pee two gallons in four seconds

then to the fridge like a starved refugee before starting my homework

All the while waiting for the shit to hit the fan

It never did though

No police

No drive by shooting

No home invasion

Nothing

Anticipating all that was torture enough

I laughed at myself and my paranoia

Then I felt a little disappointment thinking I'd like to go another round

I never felt so alive as when my heart was pounding like war drums

The next day at school, the girl I bit wasn't there

She had gone to the hospital I heard

She came to school days later with her arm still wrapped up

None of those girls ever said anything to me about it

A couple of people at school asked me if I really bit her

Some asked me if she really sat on me in the mud

Not long after this incident, I came out of the science building

a little before the class-change bell to she her walking over the hill

the school pool was set in

between the science building to the main part of the school

Let's just say she chose the wrong time of the month to wear white pants

I stopped walking, jaw dropped out of shock, and then I laughed

She turned, saw me, and continued walking

The rest of the science building came out at the bell while she was just at the top of the little hill

Half of the school saw her

This was going to scar her far more than my bite mark

She earned it as far as I could see

I stopped starting fights but I can still end them

These bitches think they're so hard but they have nothing on my mother

Cowardly imposters failing at domination

They wouldn't last ten seconds against my mother's rage

I've lasted 15 years so now who's hard?

A PEDOPHILE, STITCHES, and MEMORY LOSS

My family was invited to stay with my mom's older sister and her family

on vacation at Fisherman's Wharf in Punta Gorda

I had a blast spear-fishing off the docks with my cousin

I would love to tell you about the rest of the day

but instead I'll tell you why I can't

I was in the pool with my brothers when a man a little older than my mom started talking to me

I answered him, then quickly swam away

He followed me

I swam away

he followed me again

He told me I was pretty

I told him I wanted to go swim with my brothers

He grabbed me by my upper arm

I twisted away and swam under the water towards my youngest brother, Justin

The man swam up to us and got close to me

My brother swam away leaving me with that man

I went to my brother again

and then two more times as each time the man followed me

I followed my brother around the pool until he got mad about me following him

Then he got out of the pool

I got out to follow him, still seeking safety in numbers

The man got out and followed me

I ran after my brother and woke up screaming in the emergency room

I had slipped from running outside of the pool

Slipped, and cracked my head open in the shape of a jagged letter "y"

I didn't know what happened and it took me months to remember

I needed a lot of stitches and I permanently lost 8-10 hours of memory

15 and even vacation hates me

POT, RAPE, and an UN-REPORTED RUNAWAY

It was a toss up which sucked more

home or school

At least I wasn't expecting to be loved at school

I always specifically sought out the most out-of-my-league guy to have a crush on

My friend Maura thinks I'm crazy but she doesn't understand the rejection is comforting to me

A class mate says something vulgar to me

worse than what the large group of black guys

hanging around outside the drama room say to me everyday

I wish I didn't have such a big round butt like the black girls

I wonder if they have to put up with this kind of disrespect too

The drama teacher was also my English teacher

We had to write a poem which was no problem for me because I wrote hundreds of poems

I told her to pick the one she liked best out of a handful of papers I handed her

I told her to just throw the rest in the trash

The one I wrote about a girl committing suicide

she published in the school yearbook

I was horrified

It was the poem I liked the least because it didn't rhyme at all

Poems should rhyme

~*~

English class, Mrs Jager is so rude and mean to me and other poor kids

She's a total suck-up to kids from good homes with money for decent clothes

What a vile bitch she is to those of us who need someone the most

I refuse to go to her class anymore

I can get this kind of wretched treatment at home

To Hell with her

I ditch class again and bump into a fellow skipper

He is the vulgar kid from before who promptly apologizes

He had heard about how my pot was stolen out of my locker and said it was probably the dean

because the vice principle and the dean go through lockers to find dope

then get stoned in the dean's office

I had been in there before when it smelled like someone had just been burning

so I figured he was probably right

We walked and talked

When we arrived at his house he led me into his room

We sat down and were talking when he tried to kiss me

I jumped up and said, "what the fuck?"

I realized I was in a bad spot and became very afraid

He pushed me down on the bed so I tried to get up

He is so much taller and stronger than me

I lost the struggle and became even more terrified

He put his hand around my throat

The harder I struggled the tighter he clenched down

I stopped struggling and just gave way to crying

He raped me

I screamed and cried

but with all the construction going on with the house across the street

and the house closest to his room

no one heard my screams for help

I walked back to the school on the road instead of the sidewalk

hoping to get hit by a car

15 where I shouldn't be

My fault

I wish he had killed me

~*~

The weeks that follow, Charlotte took me out to drink beer and go muddin'

while we were supposed to be at school

It kept me from thinking about what happened

until the guy driving got too personal with me

He's good friends with Charlotte and he has a girlfriend

Charlotte doesn't believe me

She cusses me out for saying such things about her friend

who was nice enough to let me ride with him

No more muddin' with Charlotte

Everything fun gets ruined

Wait...

I'm already ruined

I'm not acting like myself

My mom gets pissed at my blah attitude

trashes my room

leans in my door way

I'm crying

she says, "Have you ever thought of running away?"

I say, "No."

She says, "You ought to think about it sometime"

When my parents left that night

I sat my brothers in front of their favorite movie, Smokey and the Bandit

Then I left on my bike

with nowhere to go I just peddled my bike until I couldn't anymore

The boys didn't notice that I was gone until our parents came home right as the movie was ending

The movie idea was pretty clever

My parents never report me missing

My brothers never forgive me

Age 15 lasting forever

While I was gone I hid at night but during the day

I went to summer school for something to do

My parents never knew and I had the best six weeks of my life

One of those out-of-my-league types that I always seem to have eyes for

put a giant minnow down my shirt on a field trip to a swamp

The whole class stopped and stared

He's so popular and cute

I am an introverted, nerd of a nobody

Everyone holds their breath

I got the fishy out and calmly went about my tasks

Everyone went about theirs as well

I waited for the right moment then repaid him in-kind

The whole class waited to see his reaction

He laughed and chased me then everyone joined in

It was a soggy, muddy, wild time

mud

fish

water

slimy plant life

We got nothing done but fun

The bus ride back was fun too

I should have runaway last summer

Who knew it would be so fun?

15 reveling in happiness for a change

My grandfather is such an asshole

He tricked me into meeting him then brought me home

My mom was nine months pregnant so she had my dad dish out the beating

I wanted to scream

"SHE TOLD ME TO!!!"

15 betrayed again

Getting some second-hand violence for something she sanctioned and sponsored

I was more upset than when she cooked our pet rabbits for dinner and told us it was fried chicken

I can't wait to turn 18 so I can leave her forever

SOURED

Sweet 16...false advertising indeed

I got a second job at a grocery store in the same complex as the restaurant I worked at

Met a cute boy from another school who worked as a bag-boy

He gave my parents a run for the money in the abuse department

He would hit and slap me in places that didn't leave marks so no one believed me

He'd take my car keys at store meetings so I would be late getting home

Nice wide welts on my behind from the belts as my parents took turns on me

The cashiers at work hated me from the very start of me working there

The three girls who alternate the top three spots each week on the fastest cashier print out

are extremely angry that I am now always in the top spot or the second spot

I am an awkward girl who does not fit in

They are all the popular girls at their school

who do not take kindly to me blasting them in the imaginary contest

that was more important to them than it ever was to me

I was happy to excel at something finally but I wasn't competitive like them

I was just very fast because I had to be

My mother has drilled it into me day-in and day-out for as long as I can remember

No matter how fast I do something it's never fast enough

Hurry, hurry, hurry!

It's all I know

I don't know how to relax or pace myself even if I had the luxury of doing so

I got beat up at work twice for being the fastest cashier three weeks in a row

I was afraid I would lose my job if I fought back so I didn't

One girl ripped the weather-stripping out of my car

and wrote "BITCH" on my windows and windshield in red lipstick

Conditioned to be faster at everything just so I can be hated for it

What is it about my existence that angers people so much?

The manager was allowing me to film a music video in the store before hours

but my dad came into my room and turned off my alarm because he thought I

"needed some sleep after working so much"

I don't know why being betrayed shocks me so much

I should be used to it

but I never get used to the disappointment

It's probably for the best because the early-in cashiers would have either kicked my ass

or farmed the job out to someone else who would

Is the whole fucking world against me?

I sit in my room alone and wish I never had to deal with another living soul ever again

Before I hit puberty I doted on my brothers

toted them about when they were little

spent my time, energy, love, and care on them

I always thought we were left home alone

but Justin pointed out to me

"she didn't leave us alone, she left us with you"

I reminded him I was only 10 at the time

He said I did a good job of taking care of them

but now that I'm a teen I rarely have any contact with them

I'm so self-absorbed in my own pain and survival I've lost sight of them

Now that I'm not close with them anymore

I feel very alone in the world

Like I have no one in my corner

No one to cheer me on or give me strength

Just piles of shit heaped on my shoulders and set ablaze

waiting for the Gods of mercy to piss on the fire to put it out and set me free from this bullshit life

My mom arranged a small surprise party for me at the restaurant while we were working

In East Fort Myers celebrating my sweet 16 with whores, junkies, and liars

a bus boy who drugs me

a mother who beats me then hugs me

and a heavy metal dishwasher who liked song lyrics I wrote

He put $100 cash in my hand then used my song for his band's demo

Enter the balloon-bearing guy in a gorilla suit and I have the strangest birthday party ever

I sat there on break with my co-workers

dipping my steak-fries in my orange sherbet shake

Thinking I have a very weird life seasoned with a lot of strife

EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE A REDNECK CLAN NEXT-DOOR

I took my baby brother, Kevin to daycare every school day

picked him up sometimes

and took him everywhere else I went

including grocery shopping

I opened the passenger door

tossed the grocery list and the car keys into the driver seat

buckled my adorable baby brother into his car seat

locked the door

closed the door

noticed my keys on my seat and screamed, "oh shit!"

"Hi, Kevin! Sissy will be right back!"

I sprinted to the acreage next to ours thinking I am so glad I am so competitive in track

because I am pretty damn fast at running because of that

"How hot is it out here? Oh my God I'm going to be in so much trouble!"

15 rednecks on 15 acres

One of them has to have some idea how to get in through the sunroof

Never seen a kid in danger smile so much

What a goofball!

We were able to get him out pretty quickly

He still loves his sissy but let us never speak of this

16 and freaking out because I'm an idiot

SUICIDE is ANYTHING but PAINLESS

" **People fear death even more than pain. It's strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death.**

At the point of death, the pain is over."-Jim Morrison

I started working for a modeling agency

The lady who interviewed me complemented the fact

that I sit on the edge of my chair

rather than sitting back in it comfortably

Little did she know

I sit that way for a speedy escape

should a threat come about

It's a fight or flight posture I adapted early in life

11th grade I had all honors classes

removed my braces

kept the glasses

working hard

grocery store

pizza restaurant

modeling agency

My mother beat the crap out of me before work at the grocery store one morning

I stood in the doorway overwhelmed with one thought

"nothing is ever going to change"

I purchased 6 bottles of aspirin with coupons

Then went next door to buy a seafood sub with extra black olives

Buzzing ears

Drying eyes and mouth

Customers are looking at me funny

Co-workers teasing me

My manager says I have a phone call

My mother wants to know if I am ok

My boss called her but I'm not mad at him because he didn't know any better

I hung up the phone and vaulted over the counter

Once again thanking track at school

I sprinted out the door to my car and drove out to the undeveloped area of Cape Coral

I parked in the darkness of an empty plot of land to wait for the serenity of death

My ears are ringing so loud that this is anything but serene

I blast the radio to drown it out but I can't hear the radio at all

My eyes and mouth are so arid it hurts pretty badly now

I wish I had a gun to shoot myself

I'd even carve myself into bits at this point to escape the pain right now if I had a knife

I see a light in the distance

I drive up into their lawn and stumble to their door

They were sleeping so I had to pound on the door for awhile

They don't speak English?

Um....ok,..I think they sound Italian

"necesito ayuda por favor"

I hoped they understand me

Our teacher told us Spanish and Italian were very close

I was hoping she was right

"llama la policia o hospital por favor"

"necesito ayuda, llama la policia"

"hay seis cientos asprinas en mi estomago, mi cabeza y ojos me duele"

"no quiero morir aqui esta noche, no como este"

I wasn't sure that was correct or even close

I figured I at least got ayuda, policia, and morir correct

which should be enough to get my point across

They understood that I need help

They call the police so all my efforts soon to be undone

17 and wishing I had a gun

I must have passed out

My dry, itchy eyes open and blink furiously

My mother is here

as are the police

She acts worried

As if!

The policeman is very kind to me

The nurses are not but then in my experience they rarely are

One of the nurses Justin had when he was two was very kind and compassionate

I wish they all were

These nurses are lecturing me

One barks at me to drink this charcoal stuff intended to make one vomit

I hate vomiting so I try to leave

"Never mind, I've changed my mind. I don't want help."

The police officer says because I am a minor I have no say in the matter

My body and life are not mine

I don't want to throw up

She very rudely says that if I don't drink it they are going to pump my stomach

I promptly took the cup from the grumpy nurse and drink it down

Eight and a half hours of non-stop vomiting

Now I really want to die

I black out

My eyes crack open a bit to see a woman knitting in the corner

Things go black again so the nightmares can return

like bloody claymation

violent

scary

noisy

Now there is a girl

reading a book in the corner

blackness again

blood squirting

nurses over me

yelling at me

They said I chewed a hole in my IV in another suicide attempt

"No, I didn't."

They show me but I don't remember

I was sleeping

dreaming

I wouldn't have even known to do that to cause the blood to leave my body

Now that I know they find it prudent to secure my arms to the bed

They put a shot in my IV

blackness

nightmares

bloody

violent

nightmare

No one cares

I don't even care

I'm 17

I hate my life but I can't even get my own death right

A lady from social services comes every day

to tell me how she understands

She knows the Maalox they make me drink throughout the day makes me sick

I hate it so she brings me a huge Maalox poster as a reminder of my stay

As if that will deter me in my egregious campaign against life

At least she tried which was nice

Maura and Charlotte are my only friends but neither of them come to visit

The nice policeman who was on scene that night came to see me

It's his day off so he's in street clothes

He makes me smile and laugh

I haven't laughed in quite some time

I want him to see the pain in my eyes so he won't let them send me home

I don't want to go home

I don't want to die

I don't want to be alive

I don't think anyone understands

17 is going to last a while isn't it?

THE AFTER-BURN of a FAILED SUICIDE

Time to go home from the hospital

I don't think my brothers know what to say to me

I don't mean to try to leave them behind

I'm not doing a very good job protecting them

Whether I'm here or not the beatings will continue

The emotional abuse will continue

I am powerless to stop it

I want to just stop waking up

Is that really so much to ask?

Everyone wants me to say that I am sorry for what I did

I say I am sorry with a fake, faint smile

The only thing I am sorry about is going to that house to ask for help

or for taking aspirin instead of finding quicker means to die

17 reeling in a deep abyss of pain yet not allowed to cry

~*~

In order to continue attending public school

I must concurrently attend out-patient counseling at Lee Mental Health

What a joke

I wasn't serious or straight for five seconds

with the woman who speaks with my mother both before and after my sessions

I'm not very bright but I'm not completely stupid either

I joked around and entertained her

I never once let her see me though

17 conning the con

Call it self-preservation

In addition to counseling it was someone's bright idea to make it

mandatory that I attend a church youth group

It's amazing to me how much sex and drug use occurs amongst children at church

It's worse than at school by far

If I wasn't so awkward and depressed

I suppose I would have made the wrong type of friends

Boys have a sense of girls with low-self esteem

His name was Blake

the first boy to ever have paid me any mind for purposes other than battery or rape

He was so nice to me but he got along to well with my mom for my comfort

There was nothing negative about him except that he was a smoker at 17 years old

I felt happy around him

Because of my suicide attempt

my boss at the store where I tried to die

told me that he felt three jobs and high school was too much for me

He didn't understand that working was my refuge and home was the catalyst for suicidal tendencies

He was not going to allow me to continue working there if I worked elsewhere as well

He said to choose one job even if it wasn't at his store

He told me I could come back anytime despite my choosing his store

to try to end my life in

I told my mom what he said

She told me I had to stay at the pizza place with her

I will never forget the manager of the grocery store

17 thinking it's odd for a grocery store manager

to care more about me than my own parents

~*~

A cook at work heard me talking about the sex and drug use

at the youth group at church

and how pointless it was for me to go there

The youth group director was a philandering pedophile

who couldn't keep his hands off any of the girls

even us ugly ones

A cook spoke up saying that he goes to a Pentecostal church in East Fort Myers

and that none of that stuff goes on there

He invited me to go sometime

I made it my home away from home

I had stumbled upon a place to be happy

I had friends who accepted me and my awkwardness

It seemed completely un-natural

I was waiting for something bad to happen

we went on field trips and to concerts

My mom said the oddest thing to me

Odd because she is the one who made it mandatory that I go to church

and then said to me

"you only go to church to get away from home"

17 thanking God for the eavesdropping skills of co-workers

and peers that make me smile

~*~

Added a new job, a BBQ on SR-80

They never heard of street lights in the boonies

closed up and dark

waiting on my mom

and waiting

and waiting

and waiting....

headlights finally...

Nope, they drive past the turn

It's getting late and I'm so tired

It so dark and creepy out here

I'm getting worried now

Is my mom ok?

Now I'm scared

Will I be ok?

Should I walk down SR 80 and up I-75 in the dark?

It would take me hours to walk home but I'm seriously considering it at this point

I see headlights!

Yes, it's my mom!

No, it's my co-worker from my other job who had invited me to his church

My mom forgot to pick me up after work

She went to the bar at the Ramada in S. Ft. Myers four hours ago

My dad called the pizza place for my mom wondering where we were

He had taken the call from my dad and realized my mom forgot me so he came to my rescue

17 grateful for the kindness of co-workers

ON THE AIR

We had a creative writing assignment in which we were asked to write about a true event

All the direction we were given is that it had to be dramatic and true

My whole life is dramatic

After searching my brain like a catalogue of dramatic events

I chose to write about being sexually assaulted when I was 11 years old

I cried when I was finished writing about it

I turned my paper in at the very end of class and scurried out the door

When I received my assignment back the next day there was a large red F circled at the top

In red capital letters the notation under my failing grade read:

"This was supposed to be a TRUE EVENT from your life"

My eyes watered up and I felt my face get hot

I slowly crumbled up my paper trying to remain calm

I took a deep breathe through my nose

and bit down on the inside of my bottom lip on the right

and thought, "Lady, you seriously just dropped the ball here."

while I dropped my true event with its failing grade in the trash can beside my her desk

My whole life is failing

I walked out practically chewing a hole in my bottom lip

walking faster and faster to my locker

I just stood there in front of my locker fighting back a flood of tears

I never mentioned the details of what had happened to me ever again

If my teacher didn't believe me or care

I figured no one else would

~*~

I was folding laundry one day

singing my own made up songs as I do through most everything I do

I made a song about teenage suicide

My mom heard me and she really liked it

She took me to the bar at a hotel in South Fort Myers

Introduced me to this guy who has a band

They created music to go with my lyrics and gave me a tape of the music only

I took the tape to the Christian radio station on US 41 in Fort Myers

I asked if I could use their studio to record my song

The station manager said if I gave them a copy of it I could use their booth

I of course agreed

I had no idea what I was doing but it was super cool so I just went with it

It was so much fun

When I was finished the song sounded amazing

It sounded even more amazing the day I was driving down US 41 and heard my song on the radio

I almost crashed my car swerving across traffic and the turning lane to pull over

Because I was shaking and freaking out

I stopped the car and got out screaming

"oh my God! That's me! That's my song!"

I must have looked completely insane

I was near the station so I went in to find out how my song ended up on-air

The man who let me record my song kept saying that he was so sorry

It was a new DJ who had found the tape and liked it

He played it without discussing it with anyone

He kept saying "I'm so sorry."

Sorry for what?

Up to that point it was probably the single most amazing moment of my life

Almost 18 smiling hard

~*~

I called into the Christen radio station after work very late one night

They let me sing my song on the air

My mom woke up and burst into my room swearing and screaming

I sat there with the phone in my hand

looking mortified

She stared at me

I pouted as my eyes welled up

She could faintly hear the DJ say my name, wondering what happened

She realized I was on the radio

I apologized into the phone and hung up

Why doesn't she just shoot me and put me out of her misery and mine

She did say she was sorry but then told me it was my fault

~*~

" _Many abused children cling to the hope that growing up will bring escape and freedom."-Judith Lewis Herman_

I grew up under the delusion that every child gets beaten everyday

and that it automatically stops when you turn 18 because you are an adult then

Two weeks after I turned 18 my mother destroyed my room

and punched me repeatedly in my face

like one would a speed bag

bouncing my tender head off of the small section of wall between my bedroom and the hallway

My head aching, face bleeding, crying, sitting atop the rubble of my meager possessions

it suddenly occurred to me in a thunderous awakening

that I was clearly mistaken on the matter of when the beatings stop

18 is not the magic number I thought it was

I am not an adult

I am her prisoner

I think of all the times in my life when I could have made a break for it

Why didn't I?

I didn't know I was a prisoner

Brainwashed over time to believe this life I have lived has been perfectly normal

Conditioned to believe

that every child gets beaten and emotionally terrorized

under the guise of disciple until they turn 18

She would tell me often how we're not abused

because abused kids get their hand put in boiling water or get raped by their dad

We get disciplined she said

I know the difference between discipline and punishment

They are two completely separate things

Abuse in my mind is what my mother define it to me as

and we didn't fit that category

I think one of my brothers was burned with a cigarette as a baby

but the memory is so unclear that I can't be sure

I'm sitting here on this mess that is the culmination of my life

wondering if I have really been abused all this time

I was naive about most of life

but I knew two things to be certain

1) We are not abused

2) It gets better when we turn 18, a legal adult

The next morning I pretended to leave for school

After mom left for work I went back to the trailer to collect my blanket and some clothes

I was scared to death that I would get caught so I only grabbed what I could carry in one trip

My heart was pounding

moving as quickly as I could

to gather what I could

and get out before anyone knew I was there

I went to school

panicked, worried, and now homeless

I started out living in my car

then ended up staying with a girl from school whom I barely knew

She was staying with her boyfriend and his family

I transferred to a different restaurant and made a couple of friends at school finally

because some of my class mates worked with me

I started dating a cook and moved in with him and his parents

He was the first person I had sex with sort of willingly

I figured it was what was expected of me since I was living in his house

He got high several times a day

It had been awhile for me but I gave it another try

Now I'm living on alcohol

marijuana

diet pills

caffeine pills

and cold pizza with cream cheese

I quit school because it was getting close to graduation

I was terrified to go through the ceremony

It seemed over-whelming to me

I would shake and cry just thinking about it

Finally I just quit

One of my friends talked me into going back to school

I went back

I quit two weeks later

I went back again

and quit again

The school board called me at my boyfriend's house

to inquire as to what in the world I was doing

Did I want to finish the last month of school or not

I explained my crippling anxiety regarding the graduation process

The lady was so rude to me

then she said they weren't going to keep volleying my file back and forth to the school

so I needed to get it together and decide if I wanted to attend school or drop out

I couldn't process the options that fast

and she didn't offer up any ideas or assistance to my issues

so I thought, "fuck it, I'll just stay dropped out"

and that was that

I was working hard

and partying hard

Sex, alcohol, weed

chilling at home

or riding around in a friend's Audi 5000 while my boyfriend and our friends

smash mail boxes with a baseball bat

One night my man missed and hit a nice car

while the owner was standing right next to it

He was a big dude who jumped in and gave chase

We got away clean but it was sketchy

~*~

Getting high with my boyfriend one afternoon

I was like, "what the Hell is going on"

My mind and motor skills are gone

That was not marijuana I just hit

He said he had given me opium instead

I didn't like it

Before a habit started I found it prudent to quit

Living without direction is hard

18 feeling unprepared

He cheated on me but didn't even try to hide it

Time to move

Where to go?

How the Hell should I know

Sleeping in my car

Drinking too much for an 18 year old

I met this girl, no idea where or how

She rented a spot on her couch to me to me

five feet away from her hot tub

That works for me

She sells drugs

I think I'll just stick to alcohol

ALL OVER the MAP with NO DIRECTION

Life is speeding up

but I drink so much that it feels like slow motion

My friends all drink, smoke cigarettes, smoke marijuana, and drop acid

None of them want me to have a bad trip

which they all think I would

so they won't let me try acid

It's cool

I'm amazed that they care

I'm fine with my alcohol

I never drink and drive yet I still ended up in a car accident

I had to quit my job with no way to get there now

I was crossing the intersection at Pine Island and US 41

The intersection is a slight hill if your crossing US 41

Just as I came over the hill

I saw the cars in front of me were stopped so I stopped shirt so as not to crash

The car at the front of the line was waiting for oncoming traffic to clear

so they could make a left turn

I looked in my rear view mirror to see the grill of a dump truck coming up fast

It did not look like it was going to be able to stop in time

I quickly pushed harder on my brake to not hit the car in front of me

as the dump truck slammed into my 1979 Ford Mustang

The driver apologized to me and asked me if I was ok

Then he told me he did not have a driver's license or insurance

The police were called

The officer told me since my car was still mobile

and my brake lights still worked despite my whole back end being in the back seat

that I could drive myself to Cape Coral Hospital

On the way to the hospital I was pulled over by a Cape Coral police officer

I explained what happened then he gave me a ticket for driving without tail lights

I told him I have no tail end, period, but the officer on the scene

said my brake lights still functioned

so I would be ok to drive my wrecked car to the hospital

He told me the ticket was for my protection

I asked him if he was going to tape it to my bumper

He looked at me funny

I asked him how else was it meant to protect me

I was so pissed-off that I just passed by the hospital

and went straight to my grandmother's house down the road

I told her the whole story then I cried as she hugged me

I knew right there that life is always going to run me over

and take advantage of me any chance possible

I knew I completely sucked at running my own life

To make matters worse

I am impulsive

I also take things at face value

never questioning or speaking up

and I'm stupid

Not IQ stupid, but clearly there is a part of my brain

that should be firing, yet is not and probably never has

I was given $2,000 for my totaled car

I was excited because I had driven it hard for over 2 years,

was on my third engine due to driving it like a race car

I had only paid $1,387.75 for the car to begin with

So I thought I was winning

I went shopping

spending it all on stupid, useless things leaving me nothing to show for it

I didn't know anything about insurance

or suing people

or suing a big dump truck company

I wish I could say this "I'm a fucking idiot" behavior is just a phase

but this is me

~*~

I got a new job in walking distance from where I was staying

making pizzas and answering the phone

Walking home form work at 3 am on a dark, deserted street

a guy followed me on foot a little too closely for my comfort

Honking and whistling while I walked to work had never bothered me much

It was the closest thing to a compliment that I had ever gotten

but this was creepy

What am I, at 5'3 and 90 pounds, going to do if this freaking huge guy tries something?

I turn off my music and walk faster

I glance to the left to put him in my peripheral vision

What the Hell!?

He just grabbed my arm and asked me, "do you want to party?"

"um no thanks"

I turned and walk away quickly

He touched my shoulder

I whip around facing him

He reaches for me I turn and run

He gives chase so I run faster

This is where running track in school is going to save my life

I run hard and fast until I find a little store across the street

They're closed, but the lights are on

I bang on the door while screaming bloody murder

He follows me across the street

It looks like I have no where to go to get away from him

Someone finally comes to the door

He runs the other way

18 years old choked with fear

being harassed

by predatory strangers

four more times

this year alone

~*~

I worked at so many different jobs

sometimes two or three jobs at a time

most the time with drug addicts and

degenerate slobs

losers with no direction

That's all I see with me right here with them

What does that say about me

Life has been brutal and unkind

bruised up my body

and broke my mind

I'm drunk all the time now

because I have to reason not to be

18 without a clue

~*~

Met a guy at work

Of course I did, because I'm always at work

We got drunk together and high

I'm just careening through life bouncing harshly off the guard rails

dodging oncoming traffic

thinking that sex, booze, and weed is really all I need

I discovered that I'm pregnant but the father of my baby wants nothing to do with us

I called one of my friends to tell him he could have my pot and alcohol

if he brought me a gallon of milk and some fruit

He guessed immediately, that I was pregnant

I was done with marijuana and alcohol just like that

~*~

I tried to move back home

My parents are getting divorced

so they denied me coming back

I slept on a couch here, there, and somewhere else

I couldn't feel more lost and unwanted if I tried

The father of my unborn baby dropped me off at a group maternity home

turning his back on me and our baby

I cried

I felt like I was living someone else's life

18 and scared out of my mind

living with nine other pregnant single girls under age 20

scared out of their mind

yeah, this is going to go well

18, dropped off at the gates of Hell

We're not allowed to work while we're pregnant

I don't see why but it's the house rules

I like working

I haven't been unemployed since I was eight years old so this is difficult for me

The house father drives us downtown to apply for food stamps and welfare

which up until now I'd never heard of

We turn over the food stamps and cash assistance in full to the house

We have meals together, and all chores are delegated on rotation

During my time at the maternity house

my jackass of a grandfather tells me that the dad who beat me until the age of eight

wasn't even my father until I was four

He goes on to tell me that my real father is a con artist who was locked up when I was two

18 wondering where did the first four years of my life go

Who else knew about this and what else don't I know about my own life?

I was disappointed and frustrated to find out that adoption records are sealed

and even though it's my life I have no right to the information

I wasn't even able to find out what my name was at birth

My grandmother gave me some of my baby photos on the condition that I wouldn't tell my mom

Two of the photos showed my mother holding me and my birth father kissing my head

In the third photo my last name is on the hospital crib

"Royal"

So add that to the list of last names I have had

I had no say in being adopted multiple times

and now I couldn't access who I was prior to these adoptions

or even find out if there were other times I was adopted before the age of four

It's a mind-twisting thing to not know who you are

Everyone of the adults in my family knew yet no one told me

Once again I feel betrayed

~*~

I have to go to the doctor twice as much as the other girls

Because I am so thin I am considered a high risk pregnancy and put on a weight-gaining diet

The nurses take so much blood from me

I dream at night that they took too much and I won't wake up

Asleep in my bed four months into my pregnancy at 4:00am one night

someone grabbed me by my arm

Most certainly alarmed to be awoken with four cops in my room

I punched the one of who woke me in his face

His partner rushed me but the one I punched stopped him cold

He rightfully claimed blame

Son, you've just been told, never wake a pregnant lady

They took me by force

18 and pregnant

life about to get worse

~*~

In the back of the police car un-cuffed so far

We pulled up to the psych ward

My baby's father had told them I was suicidal

I was asleep when they came for me so how was I deemed a risk?

The government can still take you when they want to

18 thinking this is getting ridiculous

I'm tired

~*~

Oh wow, the psych ward 72 hour involuntary hold

where to start

lying to the doctors about my views on suicide and a person's right over their own body

watching the other patients sneaking off the bathroom to have sex

or the guy that climbed the wall

got caught

beat

drugged

and carted off

What could be next

The guy who thinks he's in a war, keeps calling me Steve

I told him to go, leave me alone

but he just won't leave me be

I'm not supposed to have a pencil on suicide watch

I have one any way because the nurse likes it when I write my poems and share them with her

She likes my drawings too

I'm writing a new poem and he starts bugging me

just watch

BAM!!

Stabbed him with my pencil in the back of his hand

That's going to cost me a few days extra in here

It was a little fun to hurt someone

but I won't get out of here if I keep that up

Confined to my room but feeling I won

Causing other people my pain

18 angry as ever but highly entertained

Back to the maternity home after the hold

I went to the beach with the friends I used to drink with

I broke the rules by getting sunburned so the maternity home kicked me out

Bounced from couch to couch

house to house

job to job

It wasn't working out

I negotiated my way back into the maternity house

18 and stupid as all get out

I hate sitting around here not working

Sitting on my ass, painting my nails watching music videos all day

It's too much time to think about my situation

I'd rather be working

We went to the hospital to visit one of the girls from the home

In the parking lot I dropped to the ground in pain

start to walk again

drop again

This is so not cool

get up again

and ever so calmly say

"I think I've gone into labor"

My parents show up at the hospital to help me through

Only two hours of labor

three pushes

and I had a perfect, gorgeous, green-eyed baby girl

with the head full of red hair that I always wanted

She was nine pounds of perfection

I named her Rachel Amber Nicole

We go to live with my dad in the trailer on the five acres

where I spent my teen years

which isn't too bad

he's pretty funny

Finally a life I don't mind

I live on rice and canned soup

I weighed 118 before I became pregnant

The most I've ever weighed

I walked out of the hospital at 104 pounds

Two weeks later weighing in at 98 pounds

I thought that was awesome

but my dad said I looked like I was the walking dead

A slight skeleton of a girl

hollow-faced with protruding bones

The patriarch redneck next door had always called me "Fatty" when I was a teen

"Hey, Fatty! How's it going?"

I guess there was no way for him to know that I really did think I was fat

because my parents always called me names like "lard ass", "thunder-thighs", "bubble-butt"

Now that I'm older, I realize that where my parents weren't kidding, he was

He was being ironic

I was anorexic

Calling me "Fatty" was supposed to be funny but I never laughed

When he saw me after I had Rachel he told me I was going to waste away if I didn't start eating right

I told him I wish I had wasted away years ago

Now I have a child though

I have to put all those doom and death feelings aside

and do my best to give her the love I never received

19 thinkin' I'm safe and fine

Still getting called names by my parents but it's whatever now

I don't care anymore

I am who I am

Their approval was never an actual option

Now I am aware of that so I don't even try

~*~

My dad was always a slob

The trailer was like a big sticky dried puddle of fruit punch and everything stuck to it

I tried my best to keep the common living areas clean

but with working and tending to a baby it wasn't easy

I was more tired than ever and I was pretty tired to begin with

I had my own refrigerator in my room

I took the advice of the well-meaning redneck next door

and started eating fruit

not fresh fruit mind you

I wasn't ready to go that far yet

I had a can of pineapple that I was eating right out of the can

I left the fork in the can, put it in my refrigerator, and resumed eating it three days later

I thought I had a pretty iron stomach having eaten many questionable things prior to now

and never had a problem

This can of pineapple was set on being a problem

I dropped to the floor screaming and writhing in the most horrific stabbing gut pain

I thought I was going to die on the dirty kitchen floor

I couldn't stand up to reach the phone to call for help

I got a hold of the broom, knocked the phone off the hook

and after several attempts to dial my dad's work number with a broom handle

I get, "you ate that pineapple didn't you?"

I didn't even say anything, I was just screaming and groaning

How did he know I ate the damn pineapple?

Is he seriously laughing at me?

I blacked out

woke up

puked

and never ate pineapple out of a can ever again

A few months later I rented an apartment with Charlotte

I drink so much now it's all such a blur

How did I bring a child into my wretched, awful world

I take good care of my child but I'm still acting wild, with no direction

My lows are super low

My highs are super high

I just bounce unexpectedly from one extreme to the next

I put myself in the most dangerous places while the baby's with her dad

My world is spinning

I get drunk and beat up but guys at parties

I don't even mind getting beat up

I deserve it in my mind and find it comforting to suffer

Each day starts new but it feels like rewind

Everything I do seems like someone else is doing it

Everything I do seems wrong, ridiculous. and extreme

No matter how much I want to be calm and normal

I am the opposite of everything I want to be

I am compelled by an unknown force to do things without thinking them through

I just want to be normal, calm, and sane

I can't focus or keep a thought in my head

Is anything ever going to change I wonder

I want to wade into the Gulf of Mexico and let the currents carry me under

My previously scheduled nightmare may have been sponsored by my mother

but this one is all mine, yet I feel powerless to change it

20 years of age, choking on a different kind of rage

RESTAURANT LIFE AT GUNPOINT

I'm a 21 year old single parent working two jobs

no car

no plan

no support

no direction

no family

no friends

no education

no ambition

no clue

no hope

I moved into a one room annex apartment of a mansion on the river

and picked up a third job working for the crazy lady who owned the house

The dentist that started my root canal had just suddenly stopped taking my insurance

My tooth has abscessed now

My landlord gave me a bottle of cheap gin to numb the pain

I have to melt a candy cane in it to be able to get it down

It burns like minty liquid fire

In my drunkenness I try to guess which is melting faster, my brain or my stomach

It took less than a minute for the candy cane to melt into the gin

I think it's really paint thinner or something

Wishing I had some mother-fucking narcotic pain killers

better health insurance or a legitimate dentist

~*~

I cashed my paycheck from my first job at my second job

put my money in my purse under the counter

Time to lean means time to clean

Tony is mopping the floor when he suddenly drops the mop and lays face down on the floor

"What the Hell are you doing?"

He points behind me

There's a man pointing a gun in my left side

Another man trying to get into the cash register

The guy with the gun in my side tells me to help the other guy

I walked over beside the hyper gunman, banging profusely on the register

I stare at him until he notices me staring

He stops banging on the register

Without taking my eyes off of him looking at me

I slowly and dramatically raise my arm

point out one finger

and slowly and dramatically

drop it down on the 'tender' key

The drawer springs open

He frantically grabs the paper money

as I categorically took inventory his clothing

I know there's no hope of me remembering what he looks like

I have some kind of facial recognition problem

I remember thinking how big, new, and shiny his gun is, so why is his wardrobe so wrecked?

The angry gunman had Tony in the back of the store

trying to get the safe open

I got ushered into the tiny office with them

Tony was on the floor opening the safe

I was standing next to him

The jittery, crazy guy

who was banging on the register was

on guard at the back door

right by the office

he was so hyper and jumpy

I was hoping

that he would accidentally shoot himself

or at least pee himself

either was quite probable in my assessment of his behavior

Tony gets the safe open

angry dude reaches in and takes all the money

he hands it to jittery dude

he freaks out because it's not much money

I reminded him it's a "mom and pop" type pizza joint

in the off season no less

so what did he expect?

He grabbed my hand and told me to take my rings off

I took my hand back

telling him to go fuck himself and his mama

He threatened me with his gun on my left cheek

My fear mechanism has a severely delayed response time

I won't be afraid until after this is all over

So with his gun still on my cheek

I stepped into him

putting my face in his

and again told him to fuck off

implying that I am just as bad-ass as he thinks he is

only I don't need a gun

He grabbed my hand again to pull my rings off

I shoved him into the doorway

Tony kicked or hit me in the back of my knee

causing me to lose my balance

long enough for the armed robber

to re-gain his balance and bolt out the door

I ran out after him

I saw a police car turn its lights on in the parking lot next to ours

so I ran back in to get the keys to Tony's car

as I search for his keys

Tony scolds me for having been combative

citing how it would have been traumatizing

for him

to have to witness someone being shot

I made a face at him thinking he's such a tool

took his keys

jumped in his car

went towards where I saw the robbers go

I saw the police car come around and head towards them

so I stayed out of his way

I went to get help

The owner of the sandwich shop I worked for lived right by there

I asked him to come help me find these guys that were on foot

He was a great person, he did come help

but the robbers got away

When I went back to the store I found they had stolen my purse

with my ID in it

I was afraid to go to sleep that night

I asked my mother to come get me

For the first time ever I was more afraid of someone else than I was of her

It's confusing for me that this woman who has tortured me physically and emotionally for years

Is the one who is always there to save me in the times that I have no one else to turn to

~*~

At my second job, at night, in a part of town with a very high violent crime rate

behind a locked partition, I still didn't feel safe

especially after the armed robbery at my other job

I had one customer in the building

near the front of the store

eating a 6" roast beef sub

I looked up and noticed he seemed in distress

his whole face was blood red

I asked him if he was ok

he shook his head in the negative

I asked if I needed to call 911 for him

again he shook his head in the negative

I said, "oh crap, you want me to help you don't you?"

he shook his head in the affirmative

By now

he has turned

a thunderstorm shade of purple

up out of the booth

flailing around

I unlocked the employee door

ran out to lock the front door for safety

then over to the man

I turned him around and attempted to wrap my arms around him

to perform the Heimlich Maneuver

My hands did not fit around him

He was much taller than me

He was very large and round

His shade of dark reddish-purple really freaked me out

I put my fists as close together as I could

as close to up under his diaphragm as I could

we must have looked

extremely ridiculous to anyone passing by

I pulled upward hard once

Nothing happened

I pulled upward again

Nothing happened

I tried a third time

Nothing happened

I started to walk away to call 911

He grabbed my arm and put my hand back where it was

He wanted me to try again

I did

I pulled upward with all my might leaning backwards

It finally worked

He coughed up a slobbery chunk of roast beef sub

As he gasped for breath

I hollered at him for putting me in that situation

and how he could have died choking

because he didn't chew his food

I locked him out, still yelling at him

I called the owner of the sub shop

to inform him that someone tried to die in his restaurant

I told him I was leaving, if he wanted to keep the store open

he would have to come down there himself

I was angry, so I was quite blunt and rude

He promptly came down to the store

I was surprised how very calm he was

as he helped me close up the store

His calm demeanor settled me but I was still upset

When everything was cleaned and put away

he put my bike in the back of his truck and drove me home

One of the best people I have ever worked for in my life

CHARLIE

At 22 moved to Green Bay out of the blue

not knowing anyone who lives there

and not even knowing it was in Wisconsin

I started working at Mexican restaurant

A few months later I got pregnant by one of the cooks

I was struggling enough as it was, on my own as a single parent

I couldn't afford or manage two kids

so I knew from the start I would be placing the baby for adoption

The baby's father called me in an effort to convince me to terminate the pregnancy

He didn't want to be a father

I refused, causing him to come to my home to intimidate me

I opened the door but wouldn't let him

He pushed his way in and cornered me

He did his best to convince me to abort the baby

I wanted to place the baby for adoption

I couldn't understand why he wouldn't agree to the adoption

Why kill a baby when it could be the miracle to a childless couple

His stance was, that it's not a baby so just flush it out and be done with it

I knew he was going into the military in a month

I asked him, no matter what decision I made, what stake did he have in it

He claimed none

Either way he was out of it

I realized at that point I was listening to input that was mute

I let him say a few more words on the subject

then I falsely agreed to do as he wished, just to get him out of my face

I closed and locked the door behind him

and started digging through the yellow pages for an adoption agency in Green Bay

I found one to work with and I started the process

I was very clear and strict on what I wanted in parents for this baby

He didn't just deserve life, he deserved a better life than I had

and I was hoping someone better than me could give him a better life than I was giving Rachel

I gave Rachel all of my time and love, but we were poverty stricken and it was about to get worse

I didn't have the money to give her all she deserved in life

I didn't want the same fate for this baby

I met a couple who supposedly fit my criteria

but they were expecting to adopt a little girl

just weeks after having met me

knowing I wanted this baby to go to a couple who had no kids

and to a couple whom neither of them were able to reproduce

I also stipulated that I wanted a couple who would agree to not adopt any more kids

I grew up with three brothers and were were so ridiculously poor that we suffered for it

My mother has 2 sisters and complained how it sucked to be the middle child and she felt unloved

My best friend hated her brother

My dad hated his siblings

I thought maybe if this baby was an only child

with a couple that could afford to raise a child

he would have a much better chance at a happy life

I rejected the first couple I had chosen

upon news of their plans to adopt before I was due to deliver

I selected a new couple

I was told neither of them were able to conceive

they had both been through all kinds of testing and it was hopeless

Even if they split up someday and ended up with someone else

they were still doomed because neither could have kids

They were willing to agree to all my terms

outside the scope of a typical adoption

including not adopting other children

agreeing to raise him as an only child

If they defaulted on this agreement

I would have grounds to take my son back

should I so choose to if such a situation occurred

In Wisconsin, the adopted baby is required

to stay in foster care

during the two weeks it takes for the adoption process to go through

or with the birth parent

The adopted baby could not stay with the adopting parents

I thought this set up was idiotic

so the couple I chose had to agree to allow me to stay with them

if they wanted to bring the baby home from the hospital from day one

No way in Hell was he going to spend one second in foster care

and it made no sense to bring him to my home

which obviously was not set up for a new baby

and had no supplies he would need

The courts said if the adopting family wanted to take him home

while the process took it's two weeks to bear out

then the birth mother would have to stay with the baby

So that is what we did

They named him Charlie

I nursed baby Charlie for the first 72 hours for the health benefits

I was emotionally detached from the beginning

because I had always known I was going to place him

Nursing him for 72 was more a protective measure for him than a bonding tactic

I know the parents worried during the pregnancy that I might change my mind

but that's because so many girls do

How could they know there is something different about how I think

When I fought to not have him go to foster care

and preferred he go to their home rather than mine for the two weeks

that gave them some relive

Nothing is final until we go to court though

During the 72 hours of nursing Charlie

I could sense his new mother was nervous that I might bond with him

and worried that I might not go through with the adoption

After the 72 hours went by

I let her take over 100%

I told her that she is his mother now

I was just here on a legal snag and this was her show

I would only hold Charlie when she gave me permission to

It must have seemed odd to her

but at the same time I could sense a feeling of relief in her

I did ask that she allow two year old Rachel full access to holding Charlie

She agreed

The other stipulation is that beyond the scope of an open adoption

she was to send me photos and updates of Charlie once a year until he's 18

Two weeks went by and it was time for court

I hugged the stuffing out of Charlie

When I went to court they told me to say my name then spell it

I spelled my own name wrong

Then I got my address wrong

I was so nervous I wanted to vomit

I had to do this for Charlie though

so I stuck it out and smiled nervously to keep from crying

As soon as they released me from the stand

I ran like a track star out the building and into the parking lot

I stopped suddenly

dropped to the ground

and burst into a raging flood of tears

It was over

Time to start with the guilt

Just five seconds into his new life and I felt like the worst person in the world

I couldn't shake the depression of what I had done

so I moved back to Florida, moving in with my grandmother in Cape Coral

22 and sucking at life so far

SEPTEMBER 26th

Rachel and I were sleeping in the same tiny room that my brothers and I had slept in

when we first moved to Florida when I was eight

This made it emotional stressful and I couldn't sleep

My mind couldn't grasp that I wasn't eight any more

and I felt I was on the same path my mother had been on

if I was stuck in the same tiny room with my child

I moved into an apartment with a girl from work

I got a second job out on Sanibel Island

One night while Rachel was with her dad

one of his frat brothers who lived in the same apartment complex as me

came down to the community hot tub

I was the only one in it at the time

I had met him before through one of his other frat brothers

but I didn't recognize him at first

He got in and we talked for about 5 minutes

He went back to his apartment with two glasses of soda

and asked if I wanted one

I said sure

The next thing I remember was him carrying me past the bushes in front of the apartments

I was looking up and the lights were blurry

The next day I woke up naked in a bedroom I didn't recognize

I was so confused

I found my clothes

got dressed

and ran the Hell out of there

I didn't know whose apartment I was in

Once I got home I tried to think of the last thing I remembered

Suddenly it hit me and I started crying

I was sitting in the hot tub

drinking a glass of soda with the "Leer jet frat guy"

I was now more depressed than I was before

A doctor put me on two different anti depressants

They weren't helping so I stopped taking them

and moved out to Sanibel Island to rent a room from someone I worked with

We only dated for eight months

but it was the most peaceful eight months of my life

despite the fact that he loved to argue about nothing

Funny how I can look back on being screamed at by an Armenian man

twice my size as peaceful

but compared to my past, he was a peach to live with

I think it was just the serenity of island life

People have bumper stickers that say, "If you're in a hurry, you don't belong on Sanibel"

One night we were talking about nothing really

We already knew that his little brother and I were born on the same day of the same year

but when I told him I was born in Bronxville, New York

he about went pale

There was only one hospital there is 1970

so that means his little brother and I were born in the same hospital

on the same day, of the same year

How weird is it to land on an island in Florida

far from the hospital we were both born in at the same time in a tiny village in New York

It gets weirder though

He goes on to tell me

when his mother was in the hospital

about to give birth to his little brother

He stopped at a doorway where heard a lady screaming extremely loudly

He saw her having a baby

He was only five years old so he just stood there in the door way in wonder and shock

I got goose-bumps listening to his story

My mother had always thought my birthday was September 27th

when it's actually the 26th

because she crashed into a tree to prevent hitting a deer

thereby giving birth to me a day early

I didn't think he would believe the rest of my story so I called my mother

I put him on the phone with her to tell the rest of the story

When I was coming into the world

there was a little boy standing in the door way

watching me enter into the world

We were all stunned

What are the chances of that little boy becoming part of my life 22 years later

over a thousand miles away

LITHIUM and STRIPPERS

When we broke up

I moved out to rented a room from someone who was raising his son by himself

His house was on the Cape Coral/Fort Myers border

I started working in a restaurant on Captiva Island, past Sanibel Island

I remembered the first two minutes of my drive there

and the last two minutes of it

but I could not remember a single moment

of the rest of the 45 minute drive

or stopping at the store on the way

or dropping Rachel off at school on Sanibel

Is this how people forget their kids in the car?

Are they asleep when they look like they're awake?

It was like I was on autopilot

as if I had slept through my rote behavior every single day

I was still depressed a lot that I wound up back in Florida

and had been a failure on my own in Wisconsin

I was hyper and always feeling stressed

so I went to the doctor

He said I was manic-depressive, prescribing me Lithium

Lithium made it very difficult to do my job, it slowed me down

I was known for being faster than other cooks, so being slowed down didn't work for me

The orders I had to cook were written on small papers

and clipped to a clothes line with clothes pins in the window

The papers would blow in the breeze

Before medication I could read them without effort

Once I was on Lithium, I would waste time to hold the paper still to read it

While the paper was still, the words still moved

It was difficult for me to read moving words

I could hold the paper still, but I couldn't hold the words still

When I would leave work, the twisty island road looked perfectly straight

but I knew it wasn't straight, so I turned the wheel to follow curves I couldn't see

It was like an optical illusion

I wouldn't remember the rest of the drive, or picking Rachel up from school

I stopped taking Lithium because I needed to be faster at my job

not to mention I was worried one of these times I was going to

accidentally drive into the Gulf of Mexico

Because of the effects of the Lithium

and the other medications I had taken or was still taking

the next few years just blurred together

as if it wasn't really me

more like I was watching someone else

I moved into a duplex in a bad part of Ft. Myers

I got pregnant by Rachel's father again

One afternoon I was standing in my neighbor's living room

when blood started to pour down my leg

I ran to the bathroom as fast as I could for being doubled over in pain

I had a miscarriage

I went to the hospital where they confirmed it was a miscarriage and sent me home

The baby's father and his mother accused me of having an abortion

because the terminology on the hospital paperwork

stated the miscarriage as a "missed abortion"

I was very upset because I would not do such a thing

Soon after the miscarriage, the restaurant I was working at got closed down

my house got robbed by my neighbors who then left town

I got evicted because the robbery drained me of all my funds

I started taking more antidepressants

I went to my neighbors last place of employment

to gather more information on her for the police report

They felt bad for what she had done to me

so I was offered a job there as an exotic dancer

I'd never done anything like that before

but with a little bit of alcohol

I found I could get through anything

It was weird to be sure

but it's not like I was ever raised with any concept of modesty

Some guy gave me $10 just to drink his drink out of my shoe

People paid me to dance to a particular song

I got more money if I danced to an off-beat song

I've been called fat and ugly my whole life

and here people are throwing money at me on a stage

I'm not even doing anything impressive

I moved over to a different club owned by the same people

It was a little nice to have people saying nice things to me for a change

even if I didn't believe them

People look down on exotic dancers

but I'm seeing first hand what the draw is

Not only to people compliment me for the first time ever

but they pay me for the privilege of saying nice things to me

I stopped drinking alcohol

which is pretty ironic considering part of my job is getting guys to buy me drinks

The more drinks they buy me

the less I have to pay out to the house at the end of my shift

Being socially inept has now become more than a way of life for me

It was now an art form

Here I am in a strip club, making money hustling pool

and giving three minute shoulder massages

instead of doing lap dances

Clearly I can be an odd little outcast in any setting

I'd go on stage on rotation, dance to a song

and then I'm supposed to give lap dances until my turn to go back on stage

I liked playing pool better

I didn't make any friends there

All the girls have their set pecking order and clicks

I was not welcomed with open arms by any means

I may not know how to make friends

but I sure do know how to make enemies

I told the DJ what song I wanted to dance to for a set, and gave him my CD

He informed me that I couldn't dance to that song because

"It's Sandy's song."

Does Sandy hold the copyright to that song?

No, no she does not

He let me know to expect backlash if I danced to that song

Noted!

I danced to that song like I wrote the damn thing

The backlash was swift

I could see it brewing while I was still on stage

Sandy was about 5'10....before heels

I'm 5'3 before heels

I never could pick fights with someone my own size

She backed me up against the wall with two of her friends flanking her

She got in my face about dancing to her song

The first thing she said is, "Do you know who I am?"

"I really don't much care who you are." I stated defiantly

Yes, I know how to piss people off, right off the bat, no question

She told me that was her song and that I was not to ever dance to it

I questioned her about owning the rights to the song

She looked at me very confused and angry at the same time

I bugged my eyes out at her and raised up my shoulders like, "Well?"

She threatened me of course

I told her bigger girls than her have tried to end me and failed

so if she really felt the need for a pissing match

well that's fine, but...

I pointed out that she didn't know me

any more than I knew her

and maybe I'm the one who shouldn't be reckoned with

I stood there with my heart pounding waiting to be jumped

by three angry half naked girls in heels in the dark hallway of a strip club

She smiled, laughed, and said,

"Damn! Alright! I've been working here since I was 18, no one stands up to me. No one, ever."

"I'll stand up to you. I'm not afraid of anyone." I retorted

Meanwhile my heart is pounding out of my chest and I am very afraid

No way in Hell was I going to let her know it

She said because I had the guts to stand up to her, she now had my back

and if anyone ever tried to give me a hard time

or "start shit" with me

I was to let her know immediately

She told me that I was now under her protection

I pointed out to her, that it wasn't necessary

because if she's the baddest bitch in here

and I just stood up to her

what would a lesser aggressor bring that she couldn't

She laughed and said

"I like you, weird girl"

It would turn out that being on her good side was a good thing

She really did run things and the club owners spoiled her

She was friends with a local band who often came into the club

Under Sandy's instruction, they paid me to dance to one of their songs and gave me a free CD

That particular song ends up being my favorite song for decades to come

MASSAGE, CRYSTALS, HYPNOSIS

My body was having a difficult time with the physical demands of dancing

My mother had opened a massage business downtown

I don't particularly like my mother massaging me

because she is very strong and she refuses to understand

that certain parts of me are too tender and sensitive to be touched

At one point it became unavoidable to seek her help

My legs hurt so badly, that I couldn't walk without excruciating pain making me limp

I would lose my job if I couldn't remedy this

My mother, and her husband at the time, both worked on my legs only

It was brutal, but necessary

I cried as they took turns working on my legs

I couldn't move for three days

I was worried, but then after the three days recovery

my legs felt brand new

I started letting my mother work on me little by little

but I really couldn't take the pain

She suggested letting her and her friend hypnotize me

I agreed

They laid me out

put crystals in my hands and on parts of my body

after they finished whatever that was all about

they put me in the massage room

Her friend hypnotized me while my mother looked on

as she was still learning the hypnosis process

I couldn't wait to see what it was like to be hypnotized

It was not at all like I imagined

I was fully aware of my surroundings

and aware of who was present

I was aware of everything but I could not open my eyes

I couldn't even sit up

I started laughing because I felt as though I was not under

yet I couldn't control my body even as slightly as to open my eyes

When my laugh subsided, he asked me where I wanted to go

I frankly stated, "in the kitchen"

He said, "ok, you can go into the kitchen, but where are you now?"

Well, I knew I was in my mother's shop, but my response was

"I am in my room, of course"

He told me to go into the kitchen

I left my room and headed to the kitchen

I explained that I could not enter

He inquired as to why not

"My path is blocked"

"By what?" he asked

"By my dad" I answered, "He is in the kitchen doorway. He won't let me in"

Keep in mind by this age I knew full well this guy wasn't my real dad

but during that period of time, I thought he was

The man who had me under hypnosis in my mother's massage therapy shop

told me to ask my dad if I could enter the kitchen

I started to cry and panic

I wasn't asking him anything

He told me to calm down, and that my dad could not hurt me

"He can and will hurt me", I cried out

He explained to me that I could control the situation

In an effort to settle me down, he asked me to describe where I was

I could hear my mother tell him

that she knew exactly which house we had lived in

by the description I provided

She put me at approximately five years of age given this information

When I was finished describing my surroundings under hypnosis

he asked me to walk past my dad into the kitchen

"I can't do that, he will hurt me"

"You are strong, and safe, and he can't do anything to you, walk past him"

"I want to go back to my room and play with my toys," I said, very upset

He wouldn't let me off the hook though

He told me to confront my dad and demand he let me enter the kitchen

I said, "I want his head to explode"

Just as I said the word "explode" his head DID explode

Light blue smoke and confetti burst out of it

I sprang up to a seated position

still unable to open my eyes

Laughing, crying profusely, and screaming, "his head exploded, his head exploded"

I started to dance around in the kitchen

He asked me if I could go in the kitchen now

I smiled and said that I am in the kitchen

He brought me out of hypnosis

and told me when I came out of it

I would not be afraid of this man any more

He was right

I have not let any of that pain weigh on me since

I'm not afraid of him anymore

I haven't had the chance to do anything like that since

but this one event lifted enough emotional baggage off of me

to have made it worth giving it a try

I felt liberated from the chains that bound me to that small segment of my past

I went back to work a happier girl

SURRENDERING RACHEL

"Life ain't very easy when you've got a permanent broken heart."-The Eels

I ended up changing clubs four times

I was not getting along with any of the people I worked for or with

I went to the doctor again who diagnosed me with social anxiety disorder

He prescribed me some medication for it

I was also given anti-depressants and mood stabilizers

I was working all the time but I was losing time

I couldn't remember having done things I did

It wasn't just the driving that I was able to do without any memory of it

Now I was doing all sorts of things without any recollection

Often times I would wake up somewhere or realize I was somewhere

and wonder how I got there

I didn't tell anyone about it because I thought they would lock me back up in the psychiatric unit

I tucked it away with my visions of things that weren't there

Those bloody, horrific scenes my mind flashes in from of my eyes just long enough to scare me

No one needs to know all my insanity

I just need to be able to work and take care of my daughter

without any extra judgment

I'd been living in my car for a couple of weeks with a couple more to go

Rachel's father told me I needed to get married and settle down

or he was going to take Rachel away from me

Rachel was staying with his mom so I could save up four weeks pay to get an apartment

I married a total stranger that I had met in the club just one week after he told me this

I thought maybe the medications were why I couldn't remember half of what I was doing

so I stopped taking all medications

Ten days later I woke up confused at where I was and who this person was next to me

He said we're married and asked if I was ok

I was not ok

I called my parents who confirmed that I was married to this man

I packed my things and Rachel's things but he wouldn't let me leave

I called the police who came and stood in the door way

with him sitting on his hands on the couch

so we could safely leave and go stay at a shelter

Three days later my dad gave me bus money to move to Appleton, Wisconsin

I loved it there, but I was working so much that I would go days without sleep

We stayed in a one room motel until I had enough money to get a one bedroom apartment

I painted Rachel's room Raspberry Dream, and rich and happy color she picked out

I slept on the floor in the living room

until I found a water bed someone was throwing away

I put it right next to the windows

I would leave the window by my head open on a cold night

and turn the temp on the bed to high

It was the first deep sleep I had ever known

I worked as a line cook from 8:00 at night to 6:00 in the morning

I slept for an hour before getting Rachel from my sitter down the hall

Then I would take her to the sitter later to get an hour sleep before work

I continued operating on two non-consecutive hours of sleep

for three months before it caught up with me

Once I fell asleep in the middle of the day

I awoke to the phone ringing and quickly realized we don't have a phone

I was upset that I had fallen asleep

I sat up to see Rachel had destroyed all our food and was playing in the mess she made

I had no money to get more

losing my mind

working all the time to afford life

getting barely any sleep

Appleton is so beautiful but I wasn't getting to see much of it

I applied for a Pell grant which was granted

Before I started culinary school on the grant

I went home to Florida for Christmas

I never made it back to Wisconsin

I blew my chances to go to school to become something in life

I'm easily confused and frustrated

so when people were talking me out of going back to my new life in Wisconsin

I just shut down and didn't know what to do

I panicked and missed my flight

Months went by and my head cleared

I realized how badly I'd messed up and I just wanted out of Florida as fast as I could

I feel stifled, hated, controlled, manipulated, alone here

Finally I made it back to Green Bay, Wisconsin

I hadn't done too well the first time I was there

but I was determined to do better this time

I did not

I failed again

We were living in a one room motel again to save up money for an apartment again

Rachel was in Montessori school during the day so I worked the day shift which brought in less money

It was going to take two months to save up instead of two since I also had to pay for her school

Rachel's grandmother talked me into sending Rachel to her for two months while I got settled

She is a good person with a good heart

with her own home and her own Montessori school

I wouldn't have to pay for school so I could save money for a decent apartment faster

and I could pick up more shifts and a second job

I may have trusted her, but didn't trust her son or the hold he had on her

The whole thing felt wrong and I didn't want to be without my Rachel

I looked at it like I wasn't prepared for a baby due to spending my pregnancy in a maternity home

so maybe this was my chance to get prepared, regroup, get a grip on the situation of single-parenthood

I was working all the time as an exotic dancer at night and a line cook during the day

I had no one to give me advice so I was right for Rachel according to her grandmother

I sent Rachel down to Florida to stay with her

less than a month went by and Rachel's dad moved out of his mother's house and took Rachel with him

I never got her back

I never got over making the worst decision of my entire life

That one moment people always ask if you could take one back and change it

Sending Rachel to live with her father's family is that one moment

My whole life is a grueling litany of mistakes

but that is the only one that sticks in my craw for life

I never forgive myself for that one bad decision

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever."-A. A. Milne

~*~

I was so horribly depressed without my Rachel

She was my only happiness and now I didn't have her with me anymore

When my 24th birthday arrived I wanted to just die

With my psychiatric record I couldn't legally get a gun

and I didn't know how to get one illegally

I didn't have a car to drive off of a bridge like my mom tried to do when she was younger

I just filled a 44 ounce plastic cup with Mad Dog and Nyquil

I used it to wash down two boxes of sleeping pills

I was going to smash my head against the brick wall until I knocked myself out

hoping I'd never wake up

but first I called Rachel's dad

It was too late at night to talk to Rachel but I didn't know who else to call

I missed my Rachel

He thought I sounded strange

and given my history

he was worried

He stayed on the line with me

and had someone call the police in Green Bay, Wisconsin

While I was still drinking Mad Dog and Nyquil

several police officers were at the door of my motel room

They entered, took the phone from me

and had me sit on the bed while they went through the room

No one took my drink away so I kept drinking it

Quite awhile went by while the processed the room

Suddenly an officer by the door

far from where I was sitting

yelled for someone to inspect my cup

The officer closest to me snatched the cup from me

He took the lid off it

smelled it

and started yelling at me

I don't do to well being yelled at

I stood up to cuss him out and I fainted

I woke up in the hospital

cuffed to the bed rails for the second time in my life

I was there for four days then transferred to the mental hospital in Fon Du Lac, WI

I was still out of it, barely understanding where I was or what was going on

I had no recollection of my time in the hospital

When I arrived at the acute psychiatric unit they gave me two medications

I slept for two days then I had to go to court

The judge didn't like what I had to say on a person's right to take their own life

Apparently in Wisconsin, ending your life is not a right, and attempting to do so was a crime

I was served with custody court papers while under involuntary hold in the acute psychiatric unit

I was under mandatory hold so I was not able to leave to make the court date down in Florida

I was told I had to sign custody of my daughter to her father

or I would be held in contempt of court and put in jail

I didn't know any better at the time that what they did to me was illegal

I had rights that were violated

but Rachel would be an adult by the time I found out that I had been taken advantage of

while I was in the custody of the state, forcibly detained in the acute psychiatric facility

I played cards with other lost and damaged people

ingested prescribed drugs

and looked forward to canned Chinese food, probably the only thing not made in China

Two weeks later I went back to court but this time I sang the tune they wanted to hear

Life is precious blah blah blah whatever

A complete retraction of my previous remarks coupled with fabricated sincerity

My case was dismissed, but for me to be released from the psychiatric ward

I had to be released in to someone's custody, since I was basically homeless and indigent

I stayed with a patient who was released four days before me

as I waited for some idea of what to do next and where to go

He taught me how to make beaded jewelry to help with the anxiety

It was very soothing

He cried all the time about his girlfriend leaving him which is what wound him up in the psych ward

I for once had stopped crying

I numbed my anguish with beer and various psychotropic meds

listening to music while making beaded necklaces for no reason other than a way to meditate

I needed it this down time to process the mess I made of my life

I felt my life was not correctable at this point

My daughter was the only good thing in my life and now she was in more capable hands

I was never prepared to be out in the world

I never thought I would survive my own childhood to go on to have a child of my own

I have a kind heart

I trust

I care

I love

but yet I fail at everything

I feel as though life has hated me from the very start

I guess I gave up fighting it

"The most beautiful people I know, are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, and a depth of loving concern."-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

A MURDER, a DEATH, and a WEDDING

I went to stay with Maura, my high school best friend, who now lives in Minnesota

I quickly picked up three jobs

a popular gentleman's club as a dancer and a server

a family restaurant as a line cook

and a trendy restaurant as a pantry cook

I moved into my own apartment with a shared kitchen and shared bathroom area

At work there was a friendly grill cook named Kennedy

I used to bring him huge tomatoes from the cooler at the beginning of every shift

I started dating a guy by the nick-name of Elvis

He was the line cook who's station was between mine and Kennedy's

Elvis and I were watching the news one night when we saw Kennedy

We were shocked at what they were saying he allegedly did

He was accused, and subsequently convicted of

stabbing his three year old stepson to death

The boy's mother had grabbed their six month old baby girl

and fled out a window to get help, running down the street, covered in blood

Elvis and I saw her with the baby girl at the store a few months after Kennedy was convicted

I just wanted to hug her, but she had never met me so we just walked past them

It messed with my head to know that I was ever nice to someone who could murder an innocent child

I'm still not sure I'm entirely adjusted to this fact

It just proved to me what I already believed

that anyone is capable of anything

and you never really know someone or what they are capable of doing

~*~

I moved in with Elvis and soon became pregnant

I miscarried while walking through the airport to pick up my brother, Shane

He was in the Navy, stationed in San Diego at the time

I was thrilled to get a visit from one of my brothers

but I spent his whole visit sick in bed with the flu immediately after the miscarriage

Elvis and I weren't trying to have a baby but after the miscarriage we did decide to try

I did get pregnant again but it was a very difficult pregnancy

physically

emotionally

excessive uncontrollable vomiting

unexplained pains that would have me doubled-over

no appetite

no weight gain

sleepless nights wondering why Elvis hadn't come home from work

pacing the cold, lonely apartment in the middle of the night

looking out the windows hoping to see his truck pull up

wondering if he's been in an accident or if he's out partying

stress, anxiety, depression, loneliness

I quit working with Elvis and went to work at a pizza restaurant

I slipped and fell flat on my bottom on the tile floor at work

I went into early labor

Elvis wouldn't leave work to help me

The ambulance took me to the hospital

Our downstairs neighbor brought me homemade Thai food in the hospital and stayed with me awhile

Labor was stopped and I went on bed-rest

Elvis and I were coming home one day when his pickup truck died

Almost home, he didn't want to leave his truck

so we had to push it down the road

up a hill

and then he jumped in as it was going down the hill to try and start it

His truck started but I suffered heavy bleeding during the last two months

24 hours of contractions ten minutes apart

I got fed up and walked the two miles to where Elvis was at work

He left work, I thought to take me to the hospital

but instead he went to the house to have a few beers and look at some porn on the internet

Two hours later he took me to the hospital

I was so angry and in pain

Once at the hospital, I sat in the tub to try to deal with the pain

I got into the hospital bed and waited to get this baby out

I gave birth to a beautiful blond baby girl

Her APGAR score was low so I asked Elvis to go see to her

I had complications of my own to deal with

Apparently the incident with pushing the truck while I was pregnant

and the fall at work caused the placenta to pull away from the uterine wall

it reattached but pulled away again and reattached

That is what had been causing all the excessive bleeding

during the end of my pregnancy

Now it was causing the after-birth not to expel

The nurses had to physically go in and remove it

They were so nice to me and I could tell they felt bad for what I was going through

I didn't see a jagged, rusty, weapon of sadism

but I'm pretty sure that's what they used

I screamed such a horribly loud sound even Elvis turned in concern

and I'm acutely aware that he has no concern for me

More painful than having the baby, it was the worst pain I've ever felt in my life

~*~

Elvis named our daughter Katie

She was perfect

I loved her right away

She was the ray of sunshine in the middle of a dark

rocky

miserable

unhappy

horrible

relationship from Hell

She refused to sleep in her crib

Katie slept with me since Elvis stayed up all night playing video games and downloading porn

Elvis owned the house we lived in and paid all the bills

I did all the domestic tasks and child-rearing

We still seemed to be living around each other rather than with each other

I would have these panics when he left the house

over-whelmed with the feeling that something would happen to him and I would never see him again

I would cry and hug him like it was the last time I would ever see him

I knew he thought I was completely insane and I knew it was an irrational fear

but knowing that didn't comfort me or dispel my fears

Here I am assaulted by a severe anxiety disorder

bi-polar disorder

depression

post traumatic stress disorder

in constant physical pain which had no diagnosis at this point

with chronic fatigue and brain-fog

constantly irritable and unhappy

and no matter how many nice things I did to make Elvis happy

I could always negate the effects of my kindness with my boorish behavior

my untrusting queries into his suspect behavior

however legitimate they turned out to be

I was a hyper spastic mess with no idea why

I would go through so much pain-staking effort to please him and make him happy

and then I would undo it all simply by being an angry, bipolar bitch

Why was I so damn angry?

Elvis was a hard-core alcoholic but he was functional and calm

I slept alone while he went to parties and had friends

He would often lie to me and I would hammer away at him until I had the truth

The truths were never pretty, but I prefer the ugly truth over a well-dressed lie

I was still angry for my childhood horrors

angry about not having Rachel with me

angry from all the unfortunate events I put myself through

angry because I was so indescribably exhausted and in so much pain with no answers as to why

Elvis had interests of his own and I didn't so I was jealous

I didn't know what to do with myself

He lifted weights in his basement every other night

read books, played video games, downloaded porn

and spent a lot of time either in his workshop or under the hood of his truck

He had a life

I hated life

I didn't even want to be here at all

I didn't see the point

I left Elvis, moving back down to Florida, staying with my uncle

My dad died "due to complications from surgery related to diabetes"

Elvis came down to visit Katie while I was still broken-hearted over my father's death

He may have been abusive, and he may not have been blood

but to me he was still my dad and he was a good man

He was an abused child himself so I saw him as more of a victim than anything else

I remember watching him sometimes, thinking he looked like he didn't get enough love and joy out of life

Now he's dead and my family didn't even have a funeral for him

He was cremated

My silly, hilarious daddy is now ashes in a box

The depression consumed me

Elvis comforted me by taking me to see a hippopotamus

The first word I learned to spell was also my favorite animal

I watched the hippos underwater, through the glass

They didn't have a worry in the world

nothing to fear

nothing to figure out

I wanted to be that peaceful in my life but I didn't see how that would ever be possible

I decided to move back in with Elvis in Minneapolis

~*~

I missed Maura's wedding

One more thing to never forgive myself for

I'll never understand why being able to do the simple things other people do is so hard for me

She bought me a dress that Elvis said looked like a potato sack on me

I was supposed to read a poem at her wedding

Elvis and Maura did not like each other

Each would tell me how the other hates me, trying to convince me to disown the other

It was very stressful

Add to that stress the social anxiety of being not only at her wedding, but in front of people reading

The man she was marrying couldn't stand me even though he didn't know me

He didn't like anyone who ever had to be on food stamps

and even though I wasn't now, he knew through Maura that I had in the past

How was I supposed to read at his wedding knowing that he harbored contempt for me

No one seemed to understand how anxious I felt

Elvis kept me from going to her wedding with his constant nagging and negativity

but in retrospect I think he did it because he knew how stressed and uncomfortable I would be

I cried about it every day

She was my best friend and for years she was my only friend

Even now she is my only friend

She was more of a mother to me than my own mother

yet I couldn't go to her wedding

I hated myself for that

What kind of friend am I?

What is wrong with me?

COURAGE and a NAME CHANGE...AGAIN

Elvis slept with his wallet, keys, and gun under his pillow in the beginning of living together

I would wake up when he came to bed at dawn

I tried to fall back asleep

but I would be obsessed with knowing a gun was that close to my head

as I slept next to a guy who hates me

He took me to a place in the woods to practice shooting

when I was about seven or eight months pregnant with Katie

I kept envisioning him shooting me and leaving me there

Now I would get so depressed and self-loathing

that I would hide in the basement under the stairs in a tiny hidden room

with his gun pointed at my stomach

crying

drinking one of his Guinness after another

hoping one of them would give me the courage to pull the damn trigger

All those times I wish I had a gun and now I have one in my hands

yet I can't pull the trigger

I am such a failure

~*~

Elvis couldn't deal with my rage and bipolar mood swings

so he talked me into going to counseling

Elvis went with me for one session

but the therapist basically blamed him so he never went back

I still had to go to save my relationship and my life

I had to do something

As pissed as I was at Elvis

I was more pissed at who I had become while I was with him

I wasn't the same bouncy, manic, out-going person I was before

I didn't listen to my music anymore

or sing

or draw

or any of the things I enjoyed before

I had now become the girl who walked down the alley behind our house

in the worst part of South Minneapolis

at three or four in the morning

just hoping

practically daring

some pathetic gang-banger thug to try me

just so I could take out all my aggressions

I pushed my luck with my safety

anywhere I thought surely someone would step to me

and I could unleash all my anger and frustration all at once

I wanted revenge for my past and I wanted that revenge in blood

I confronted criminals and called the cops on them right to their face

thinking one of them would exact revenge

Pay back never fell on me though

I told my counselor that I had a hard time sleeping and would often be jolted awake

because I heard my mother's voice yell my name

I would here someone say my name in a harsh tone when there was no one there

I also hated to hear my name said out loud

I'd been to 12 sessions with this particular counselor so far

yet she couldn't remember my name or anything about my case

Elvis would pick me up from sessions and take me to lunch before going home

We would always order a Rueben and a Guinness at The Black Forrest

and cry the whole time about whatever got dredged up in therapy

This whole scenario wasn't working for Elvis, or for me

We decided that as much as I needed help, this was not it

I discussed with Elvis, possibly changing my name

He was very understanding and supportive

He knew I hated myself

and that when I heard my name, no matter who was saying it

my mind always heard it in my mother's voice which would upset me

My grandmother had become my closest friend since I turned 18

so I named myself after a character from her favorite soap opera

She liked that very much

Changing my name didn't change who I am nor did I expect it to

but it did change how I felt about myself enough to quit crying everyday

I didn't cringe and tense up when people would say my name now

~*~

Earl was the guy who brought me home-cooked Thai food in the hospital

Katie called him Hecca for some odd reason, and he lived downstairs from us

with his room mate Jack who once played his music at full blast when I was sleeping

pregnant with Katie, at three in the morning while he was smoking crack with a hooker

I went into their apartment, into Jack's room where they were naked, smoking crack

yanked the stereo cords out of the wall and held them folded over my chef's knife

threatening to cut the cords and their throats if they turned it back on in the next four hours

One day I was home alone with Katie when Earl burst into the back door of my apartment

I was in the kitchen with Katie, which was right by the back door

He was ranting incoherently, obviously on drugs as I knew he was a user

I told him to leave but he wouldn't

He was flailing his arms, fist clenched, eye bugged out, yelling like a crazy person

I ushered Katie into the dining room

I walked up to Earl, posturing up, and told him to get out of my apartment

He continued ranting, but put his face right up in mine

I grabbed a handful of his long scraggly hair, right at the base of his head

twisted my hand in his hair, causing him to drop down, squatted

I took two wide strides and shoved his head through the wall to the bathroom

on the other side of the back door from the kitchen

I pulled him out of the wall

opened the back door, still with my hand tangled in his raggity hair

and released him head first down the stairs

A few minutes later there was knock at the back door

I thought it was Earl so I grabbed Elvis' gun off of the refrigerator

and whipped the back door open

It was Earl's room mate Jack who calmly said

"I don't know what you did to Earl, but he's down there bleeding and crying like a little girl.

I just wanted to shake your hand because I've been wanting to do that for years but I can't

because I know his mom."

I put the gun in my other hand, and let Jack shake my hand

I told him anytime he needed someone to bleed and cry

just tell them to enter my apartment uninvited

OFF-SPRING and EMERGENCIES

Elvis and I took Katie camping a few times

Three year old Katie and I were on a nature stroll off-trail when we encountered a doe

less than ten feet in front of us

We all froze, even the deer

At that moment, I noticed she was flanked by a baby deer

Her baby was equally the same distance from her, as my daughter was from me

I knew she had to be thinking the same thing I was

"go near my child and I will end you on the spot"

I took one step back and told Katie to do the same

Just then the doe made a clicking noise

Suddenly, two separate baby deer came bounding out of the bush to her left, my right

across the small section of clearing between us where this encounter took place

They bounded off into the woods

She clicked again and the first baby deer I saw went after the other two

After a couple of more seconds of staring me down

the mother doe bounced away to follow her young

Coolest thing ever! Wild!

Not so cool was when it poured rain all night long

Lightening hit a tree less than 20 feet from our tent

We spent the whole next day, my birthday, in the nearest laundromat

The next night, Katie was dancing around the fire pit

tripped over her dad's foot

and fell into the fire

He had reached out and grabbed her by her shirt before she fell in

but because she had put her hands back behind her as a reflex

she burned her hand on the iron grill that covered half the pit

You don't really know a person until you have to deal with a child-related crisis with them

Katie was screaming

We piled in the truck and tore out of the camp site for town

I kept Katie's hand in a cup of body temperature sports drink

She screamed as loud as I have ever heard a person scream in my whole life

It was a 45 minute drive to the nearest hospital

Katie screaming the whole way

It was such a small town and so late at night

that they had to wake up the doctor and have him come in

We waited 45 minutes for him to show up

He took care of her hand and it never scarred

I learned Elvis and I don't do well in a crisis situation together

He wanted me to hold her in my lap instead of her being in the car seat, but I refused

I wanted him to not go 105 mph down a dark country road he was unfamiliar with, and he refused

WHEN THE DEAD COME FOR YOU

My grandmother called me to tell me she had an ovarian tumor that required surgery

She said it was same-day surgery and there was no need for me to make the trip down to Florida

I called Elvis' dad and begged him to lend me the money to fly out the next day

I don't know why I felt so compelled to go down there

The last time I visited my Rachel I stayed with my grandmother

My brothers, my kids, my mom and I had all been in the canal behind my mom's house

digging up ten pounds of baby clams

I broke my toe getting out of the canal when the ladder collapsed

The next day I my grandmother, my cousin and I were digging clams out of her canal

when my cousin yelled "GATOR"

When in a canal and someone yells "gator", you don't look around for the gator

you get the Hell out of the canal as fast as you can

The ladder was too high off the canal bottom for me to reach

but it didn't matter any way because the ladder was on the other side of the dock from us

It would have taken too long to get to it

and we would have had to move in the direction my cousin saw the gator

He jumped up onto the dock with no problem

My grandmother and I aren't so agile

It took us some effort and adrenaline to get out of the canal

I helped lift and push my 73 year old grandmother up onto the dock

while my cousin pulled her up

then he helped me up

We sat there laughing now that the panic was over

My grandmother told my cousin there had better be an alligator

or she'd kick his butt and throw him in the canal for making her panic

We saw the alligator across the canal

one dock down from my grandmother's

We all agreed it looked to be about 4 feet long

When I got back to Minnesota the next day, my grandmother called me

"You know that 4 foot gator we saw when we were clamming yesterday?"

"Yes! What happened?"

"Well, it was a 6 foot gator. They caught it under the same dock today."

A year later now and I'm more afraid for her

than the day she was in the canal with a toothy, jurassic eating machine

I had bought my grandmother a huge heart shaped sapphire ring but hadn't yet sent it to her

I was waiting for her birthday even though she doesn't celebrate it

I had bought it at a great discount in the mall where I worked at a sub shop

because it reminded me of the necklace in Titanic, my Grammy's favorite movie

When I arrived at her home I gave her the ring and the movie

She loved them both

The next day she went in for surgery

She came home in a world of pain

She said, "see, everything is fine, there was no need for you to come down in a hurry"

I was glad I came because if anything had gone wrong and I hadn't been there

I would have never forgiven myself

After the surgery she was having a lot of pain and difficulties

The family was urging her to go to the doctor

but every time she called the doctor he didn't have time to see her

She was told to take laxatives which just caused her more pain, a fever, and more difficulties

Family members were pushing me to get her to the hospital

My grandmother refused to go to the hospital because she was advised by her doctor's office not to go

They told her she was fine and to just get some rest and take a pain reliever

I begged her to let me call 911 and get her to a hospital

She yelled at me

She said she would call the doctor in the morning

I woke up to find her husband had called 911 just two hours after I wanted to call

He took me to the hospital to see my grandmother

She did not look right

I couldn't even recognize her

She was incredibly bloated and hooked up to machines in the ICU

As I was leaving, she gruffly choked out the words

"litter box"

She's in the ICU fighting for her life, worried about me changing her cat box?

She fell into a coma shortly after that visit

A couple of days later her doctor told us we needed to come say our good-byes to her

She wasn't going to come out of the coma

Is "litter box" really the last thing I would ever hear my grandmother say?

Katie went to stay with my high-school friend, Charlotte who lived in Cape Coral

My family and I all met at my grandmother's hospital bed

We all gathered around her bed in a circle, holding hands

I started to feel slightly elevated off the ground

It wasn't the first time, so I didn't think much of it at first

and then I started to feel weird, electrical, hard to explain really

My mother was at the head of the bed, she told me to switch places with her

I didn't know why until I did what she said

My mother was apparently aware of something that I didn't know she knew about

I could see things that no one else could

I never told her that before

I hadn't told anyone about it

I was stunned that she somehow knew or sensed it

I remembered when my mom and I would practice past life regression together

and thought maybe she sees things that aren't there like I do

I didn't want to say out-loud what I was seeing

I'm not close with my family enough to share something so personal

that I feared would get me locked up in a mental institution permanently

My mother and my two aunts spoke in soothing tones as they encouraged me to be free with my words

I saw the hospital room change into the den or living room of an old house

with hardwood floors and heavy curtains

I saw people in the room that I knew weren't really there

not in the sense my family was there

These people were muted in color, silent, and differently dressed

My aunts and mother told me to relate what I was seeing

At first I was scared

but as I started to describe people

they gleefully stated who I was describing

Relatives of ours whom I'd never met who had passed

I started to get a chill

I felt uncomfortable

awkward

I wanted to stop

but they wanted me to keep going

I told them it fell like I wasn't touching the ground

and that there was a lady standing beside me that wanted me to move

I described her

They told me that she was my grandmother's mother

She had died right in front of my grandmother when she was just 13

by accidentally catching herself on fire

trying to light the stove with long matches

after having used a pesticide pump-sprayer getting some on her clothes

I went on for a little while, describing what I was seeing in my Grammy's ICU room

and having her three daughters explain it

Then I got upset and started to panic

My grandmother was suddenly sitting in the middle of the wood floor

playing with a girl named Sarah

I don't know how I knew her name was Sarah

or how I knew that was my grandmother

because they were both about 11 or 12 years old

A well-dressed man with a hat appeared in the doorway

I described him

My aunts and mother said that was my grandmother's favorite uncle

He was trying to get my grandmother to go with him but she wouldn't

The whole scenario kept playing over and over on a loop

I felt so weird, insecure, like people are going to think I'm insane

but no one in that room thought that at all

Everything I had said made perfect sense to them

Suddenly I screamed, "NO!"

and I started to tremble and cry

unable to speak

one of my aunts said

"she went with him didn't she?"

Crying, I nodded my head in the affirmative

Just then, my grandmother, my best friend, died,

and the room went back to being a hospital room

I sat in a chair in the corner sobbing and shaking

My aunt gave me some Kava Kava and sat with me until I calmed down

My family didn't have a funeral for her either

Another loved one reduced to ashes and stuffed in a cardboard box

I listened to my family sit around talking about my grandmother

My aunt who actually loved her wasn't there

everyone else who was there had nothing nice to say about the one person I actually related to

the one family member who liked me and accepted me in all my weirdness

I loved her too much to listen to these people disrespect her memory

While everyone was fighting over her possessions of value she left behind

all I wanted was what I had given her that had sentiment

The heart shaped sapphire ring that reminded her of her favorite movie

Her white pants and dark blue shirt she always wore bowling with me

her slippers she wore all day everyday at home

and a "Grammy's Bread and Breakfast" brochure I had made her that highlighted

all the best times we had together such as baking marshmallow brownies

playing cards

and when she, my cousin, and I all narrowly escaped a 5 foot alligator

just one dock down from where we were digging for clams

I went back to Minnesota a different person

I looked at how unhappy I was and thought

this is not how my grandmother would want me to spend my life

I started planning my departure

RESPECT and STUPIDITY

One day while I was cleaning the front living room window

I noticed a group of thugs

just hanging out on the sidewalk in front of our house

right at the chain link gate to our fence

I went down stairs

out the front door

walked right out in the middle of them

the pungent aroma of marijuana lingering

I felt so short standing there surrounded by ten big dudes looking at me like "What?"

I asked if any of them lived around here

One guy spoke up and said he did as he pointed to the known crack house across the street

I looked him straight in his eyes

and suggested perhaps he could move his little entourage over in front of his own house

He said, "not a problem"

and they all sundered off across the street

I went back inside and sat on the couch in front of the large picture window

I started to think about how many guys with guns I have seen come and go from that house

I slowly slid down below the window line

Elvis asked me why I, "do shit like that"

I said because I don't sense that I'm in danger until it's all over

None of those guys made any threatening gestures towards me

but I knew it was dumb to do that

How did I know they wouldn't harm me?

I started to breathe funny

I wasn't scared when I was in the middle of a bunch of hardened criminals

but I was scared after I came out of it unscathed

What is wrong with me?

Who tells total strangers who don't even bother to conceal their weapons or drug use

to move out from in front of their house?

Why didn't they give me a hard time?

Life makes no sense to me and I totally over-think everything

...only afterwards though

I clearly don't think anything through before-hand

Countless times I've put myself in a potentially dangers situation

all the while envisioning my brutal murder

yet it never stopped me from careless behavior

going into an inner city cab driver's house

who wanted to stop by a get something

in the middle of driving me from the strip club I worked at to a hotel

or staying on the couch of a bouncer from some random club

or jumping out of a car at 60 mph on a dark deserted back road in the boonies of Wisconsin

just because the drunk, angry driver wouldn't pull over and let me out

or crashing at someone's house I don't even know, where I'm the only one not drunk or high

or walking down inner city back-alley ways in the middle of the night because I can't sleep or sit still

and the list just goes on

I guess that's the hardest part in raising kids

wondering how much of the stupid, dangerous, careless thing I've done

are they going to do

while knowing there's nothing I can do about it

Those guys that didn't give me any guff about relocating their puff-puff-pass session

turned out to be a collection of armed robbers and cold-blooded murders

selling drugs and guns out of the house across the street

They went to prison one by one until the house sat vacant

FANCY SOME CRACK?

Elvis angered me so badly one night while we were in the garage

I kicked his gray, metal tool-box so hard to avoid kicking him in the head

which is what I wanted to do

I stormed off down the alley in the late-night hours

turned left to continue down the street towards Uptown

I was over-flowing with anger

walking pretty quickly

A man saw me coming

turned and kept step with me

He asked me if I wanted to buy some crack

I said, "no thank you"

He told me to have a great night

then he broke off walking along-side me

Three blocks went by before I realized what had just happened

A smile came across my face

Then I burst out laughing so loud

What in the Hell?

Did I look like I needed crack?

Do I even look like his target market?

Did I really just say, "no thank you" all polite?

Why is it a drug dealer can say

have a good night but the cashiers at the store act like

it's our fault they have to be there and for that we should die?

Yes, these were the thoughts tearing through my mind

as I continued walking away from our home

Then I started thinking about how cold it is out here

and maybe being angry isn't in my best interest

I turned right to walk to the YWCA where I worked in the kids' gym

I sat down on the steps to ponder my life and current situation

I didn't get very far into my thoughts

when I noticed my right foot felt like it was on fire

The pain tripled just upon noticing it

What in the Hell?

I couldn't get my shoe of fast enough

My foot looked twice it's normal size

I took my sock off

My foot was discolored and swollen

There was no way I was going to get my shoe back on

I started to walk home with only one shoe on

The ground was cold but it felt good to my foot

I couldn't put any weight on it but I made it to the corner

of Lake and Hennipen where there was a bus-stop bench

Absolutely no way was I planning to call Elvis to come get me

Maura lived too far and was undoubtedly in bed

The only other person I could call was our down-stairs neighbor, Earl

Elvis makes me so mad that I broke my own foot in a fit of anger

and managed to walk nearly 2 miles before I noticed it was broken

This isn't the first time

and won't be the last time that I get this angry and suffer for it

before I realize that this is not how my life has to be

WATCH YOUR CHILDREN

I guess the lady next door got tired of me calling child protection on her

for whipping her little boy all over his body with a belt all the time

They had no curtains and the houses are so close together it's hard to miss

What I see becomes my business because I'm not a coward

I made those calls despite Elvis telling me to stay out of it

They moved out and a new family moved in

I warned the new family about the type of neighborhood we live in

and not to let her three year old daughter play out back alone despite the privacy fence

I've seen many guys evading the cops jump that fence with ease

I guess she didn't give my warnings much pause

because one day I looked out the window to see a car full of guys pull up in front of their house

The back door passenger side opened and a man stepped one foot on the ground

calling the three year old little girl over to the car

I screamed her name out the window as loud as I could in a panicked tone

The car sped off with the man hanging out of the back of the car still

The child looked up at me hanging out of the second floor window

I told her to go in the house

I went next door to tell her mother about it

She didn't seem the least bit concerned

Now I know why so many kids go missing each year

I went home sickened and frightened for the youth of the world we live in

It made me think about the time I came home to squad cars on my street

and a lady losing her damn mind about how the school bus let her five year old off the bus

at the wrong stop and now she's missing

The girl knew to walk two blocks this way and two blocks that way to get home

but didn't know her actual address

The bus driver couldn't remember where she let her off

so there was no way to gauge which way the little girl went

I cried for that child, fearing the worst

WHEN THE DEAD COME FOR YOU

After the occupants of the house across the street went to prison one by one

the house went up for sale by the city

A very friendly lady named Cherish bought it, and three more former crack-houses around the city

She cleaned them up, hired me to paint them, and turned them into night time child care facilities

It was a genius idea

Where was she when I was a single mom working the third shift?

I loved her from the start

When she made enough money to buy a house of her own to live in with her boyfriend

I painted that house too

Then Cherish got married

I made all the silk flower arrangements

made the grooms cake

set up decorations

then left

I didn't attend the wedding, but I heard she was thirty minutes late to her own wedding

because she was "getting her hair did" as her husband put it

I painted murals in all her child care houses

and painted separate three dimensional murals down the length of her privacy fence

I didn't think to get photographs of any of it

I still kick myself for that

I had done some beautiful work

I was never good at charging people money for my work so I didn't charge her much

I like to make people happy

I always want to give even when I have nothing but my time or talents to give

It's very difficult for me to put a value on anything I do for someone

I just want to make people happy is all

RAPE is a FAMILY TRADITION

I was in the kitchen clearing off the table one night

Elvis was out on the balcony having a beer

Katie was out there with him

Suddenly Elvis burst it no the apartment

screaming at me, inquiring about something Katie had said

She told him the teenage boy down the street "has a big pee pee"

He asked her how does she know that, and she said she had seen it

I knelt down on the floor to ask my four year old daughter what happened

She told me Danny had pulled her pants down, and his too

then he was "rubbing his pee pee", and then touched hers

"He made me lay on the couch, but I didn't want to so I started to cry"

I asked her when this happened

she said when they went for a walk and he stopped at his house to feed his dog

I put Katie on my left hip

retrieved Elvis' Beretta 9mil off the refrigerator

and walked down to Danny's house

I didn't even hide the gun, it was in my right hand, and Katie was on my left hip still

When I got to Danny's house

I looked through the glass door and asked Katie where it had happened

She pointed to her crotch

I said, "no baby, where in the house"

She pointed and said, "right there on the couch"

I moved the safety switch on the gun too the off position

I knocked on the glass, loudly

No one answered

I was fully prepared to shoot Danny and his parents in their face

with my child on my hip

Danny was on a school field trip in Australia

I don't know where his parents were

I put the safety back on and walked back to the house to call the police

I gave the detectives a doll, and hid around the corner while they interviewed my four year old

so I could still hear her, but she wouldn't feel uncomfortable talking in front of me

I fell to the floor crying as I listened to my sweet little daughter describe the details

of sexual assault by the 15 year old down the road

We went to court, where they had made a plea bargain deal with Danny

because his father was a registered sex offender, and Danny had been his victim for years

Danny was sentenced to out-patient counseling

My daughter was in counseling so I didn't think this was fair

I also didn't think it was right that he be an out-patient

left to reside in the same home that made him a rapist

to stay with the man who made him a rapist

I told the judge in my victim impact statement

"I am all Katie has, you are all I have, and you have failed us both

while at the same time failing Danny, who is someday going to do this again"

And that was that, no one cared about what happened to my four year old except for me

Elvis wanted no part of any of it, hiding behind denial and alcohol

It doesn't disturb me that I was willing to shoot three people to death

What disturbs me is that I took my four year old with me

That's that blind rage people talk about

When one minute you're minding your own business, going about life

and the next minute you're in the back of a squad car covered in someone else's blood

searching your mind to figure out what just happened

~*~

I took Katie out of town for a camping vacation, just the two of us

when I returned home, I found out Elvis had gotten arrested

for "soliciting an under-cover police officer to perform a sex act"

I decided that was completely unforgivable

I moved in with some people around the corner

Katie and I stayed in the sun room listening to They Might Be Giants

When I stopped crying and managed to get a grip on things

I started my own handyman referral service from home

Katie couldn't sleep without music

One night she asked me to play "Kitty Glitter"

Kitty Glitter?

I couldn't figure out what song she wanted so I played other songs

She got so upset and kept crying out, "KITTY GLITTER!", over and over

Then she started to cry

My nerves were already shot and my mind was so heavy with worries of our survival

I whispered to myself

"kitty glitter, kitty glitter, kitty glitter, kitty litter, litter box, letter box"

I finally blurted out, "LETTER BOX! You want to hear letter box?"

Katie was so happy that I figured it out

I cried my eyes out while laughing hysterically

I have no idea why

I guess I just had too many emotions bottled up and Katie's emotional outburst broke me

~*~

The lady of the house started electroshock therapy

to undo the mental trauma of her violent childhood

Her mother would tie her to a chair and force feed her

which I could relate to

beat her with a wooden-handled hair brush

which I could also relate to

then sodomize her with it

which I did not relate to but made me feel like I was lucky not to have had her mom

Her horror stories were far worse than mine

I was thankful I didn't require ECT treatments to zap my memories out of my brain like she did

A month later she forgot who we were

She asked us to move out because it freaked her out having us in her house

not remembering who we were

I moved in with a family who owned a toy store

they moved to Ohio taking us with them

so I could paint their new house

When I was done painting their house

I moved back to Florida with Katie

I sold flowers in bars at night

painted houses and businesses during the day

Elvis came to visit us

He was very nice to us

I still didn't trust him

but the pay in Florida was half of what I was getting up north

and half of what I needed to survive on my own

CONNECTICUT IS BEAUTIFUL

A few months later we moved back in with Elvis

with no intention of staying with him

I quickly saved up enough money to move on my own

My brother was stationed in Groton, Connecticut at the time

At 29 years of age

I drove with my 5 year old from Minnesota to Connecticut

It was a terrifying drive that probably cut 10 years off my life span

just from the anxiety of that trip

driving at warp speeds

through the narrow barricades of highway construction in downtown Chicago at 4am

just to keep up with traffic so as not to be put into the concrete barricades like a bug on a windshield

Sleeping with one eye open at a busy rest stop in the middle of the afternoon

because hypersomnia doesn't give a shit that I'm trying to drive here

I need to keep the motor running for the air conditioning

and stay alert enough to keep Katie from getting kidnapped

Yeah, I'm paranoid like that

The minute we got into Norwich

I couldn't stop smiling

Connecticut is a beautiful place

I felt like it was a new life

I was finally free

free from all the people

that sought to break me

free from the places that reminded me of bad times

free from the reminder that I am nobody and nothing

I can start over and be anything

I can start over and be anyone I want to

STATE of REHAB

I love Connecticut

It's so beautiful here

I feel peaceful and content for the first time in my life

Before I left Minnesota I had printed out fliers

My first day in Connecticut I handed out the fliers in my new neighborhood

The next day I went around the neighborhood

knocking on each door that I had put a flier on

introduced myself and asked if they needed anything painted

The house next door to us was what's known as a "sober-house"

I'd never heard of such a thing

Apparently the state gives certain people the option of going to jail or rehab

After rehab, they move into these sober-houses

until the court says they can move out on their own

So we have about ten guys living next door

all of whom have a criminal record

and all are either alcoholics and/or drug addicts

This was not in the brochure

I wasn't worried or afraid though

How could I be

I just left South Minneapolis

It may not sound hard

but the area I lived in definitely was crawling with the dregs of society

I spent half my time calling 911 to report

stolen cars abandoned in the empty lot

a thwarted kidnapping

a missing child

multiple shootings in the alley

drug deals taking place in our back driveway

bullet holes in our back hallway from shootings in the alley

If I had the grit to stand out in front of my house

point dead at the face of the suspect to identify him to the cops

then you can bet I am not even worried about the rehab revolving door next door

In contrast

I found solace in knowing these guys recovering from drug and alcohol abuse

Their life had fallen apart completely

and all they wanted to do was put it back together the right way

just like I wanted to do with my life

I tried finding an ALANON meeting in the area

but they were not what I was used to in Minnesota

and they weren't helping me at all

I asked the house leader next door if he knew of any other ALANON meetings in the area

He didn't but someone who over-heard

invited me to an AA meeting to see if that would help me

understand all the crap from my pathetic life

"Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of over-coming it,"-Hellen Keller

The meetings were eye-opening

These people would get up there in front of everyone

hang all their faults in the air like poisonous exhaust

then watch as all the positive moral support

from all the other people who had been-there-done-that

filtered it all into a breath of fresh air

After a few meetings I felt better

positive and optimistic even

I recognized myself as what's known as an enabler

I always thought I was a care-taker

Apparently when one takes care of a grown-up

who chooses to drink and drug instead of caring for themselves

it's called enabling

and it allows them to continue their harmful behavior

I also felt better because I stopped hating

I stopped hating Elvis and Rachel's dad

I stopped hating my mother and my grandfather

I stopped hating my step-fathers and even my birth father whom I'd never met

For the first time ever

I was understanding that the things they did to me

they did not do because they hate me

but because they hate themselves

They did not do those things to hurt me

but because they were hurting

They have two options

Use it as an excuse to drink and do drugs

or do something about it

They have no idea what to do about it

No idea how to change how they feel

No idea how to change their lives

So when they spiral completely down to the very murky bottom

it becomes do or die

At that point it's no longer about knowing what to do

and becomes do anything you can do not to die

They call it "rock bottom"

After they hit rock bottom they come here to tell their story

in the hopes that it will help someone else who is still spiraling downward

They share their story to remind themselves of where they have been

so they know how far they have made it

They tell their story to remind themselves of what they have done

and what they now know they are capable of

Instead of listening to people like me

explain how it feels to be a victim seeing as how I already know

I come here to hear the other side of the story

what they think

what they feel

I felt hopeless, helpless, and lost

I now know they also feel hopeless, helpless, and lost

I felt suicidal and self-loathing

they feel suicidal and self-loathing

So now I know both sides of it

Now I understand

I feel liberated from a crippling Hell

STARTING OVER

During the day I painted porches, garages, doors, and such

I also started working at a day care in between painting jobs

I made friends with a girl named, Tasha

who was six months pregnant

elbow deep in a bag of Doritos

I loved her right away

We got along wonderfully and remained friends even after we left the day care

I made more friends soon after

Torey, Holly, Alicia (Tasha's sister)

The youngest guy at the sober house was Brad

He was 21 years old

I was 29 years old

He always said, "hello" to me and would stop and ask me

if I needed something from the corner store

when he would pass by me painting in the neighborhood

I always said, "no thank you", yet he always bought me a soda anyway

He liked to come over and watch movies with me

One day while we were watching a movie when my foot touched his

and suddenly I noticed he was really cute

We started dating shortly after that

He moved in with me a month after we started dating

because the people who ran the sober house

told him to stop seeing me

Brad refused

so they kicked him out

I found out I was pregnant a month after he moved in

Brad always wanted to be a father, so he was thrilled

He left me two months later

I was laying on the couch

watching television with the sound off

crying

when suddenly images of the twin towers in New York City

bursting with black smoke

came on the screen

It was so surreal

disturbing

I turned up the sound

I forgot about my own problems for awhile

I wanted to go to New York City to help

but I couldn't leave Katie with anyone

I turned 30 two weeks later

I wondered if I was really getting my life together

~*~

Katie started Kindergarten

I cried her first day

I also spent the whole day feeling like I was forgetting something

because Katie was usually always with me

I walked to the school 45 minutes early to walk her home

Quite a few other parents who also missed their five or six year old

were there as well

Around six months into my pregnancy

I looked in the mirror

disgusted with my image

noting I have no one to impress

I shaved my long blond locks off completely

The next day Brad called

we got back together

I'm 30

I feel old

bald

confused

feeling like I need to read the directions to life

because clearly I have no idea what I'm doing

A NORMAL LIFE

" _There is a truth deep down inside of you that has been waiting for you to discover it,_

and that truth is this: you deserve all good things life has to offer."-Rhonda Byrne

I had a baby shower since I actually had friends to invite

I have never had friends to invite to anything

We had a blast

even Brad's mom came and she hates me

It was still super cool having her there because it made me feel normal

Even her disliking me made me feel normal

It was an awesome baby shower

This baby is heavy

I crave foods I don't like such as peanut butter and cereal

I went through an 8 ounce jar of peanut butter a day

and consumed up to 11 boxes of cereal per week

I also couldn't get enough chocolate ice cream and brownies

My brother asked me what I was going to have for dinner

I said, "brownies"

I was sitting in the den with a blue glass pan of fresh baked brownies

My brother walked by the den doorway with his dinner

he backed up into the doorway

and made a face at me as I took a swig of milk out of the half-gallon jug

He said

"When you told me you were having brownies for dinner I didn't realize you meant the whole pan"

I sat there with my cheeks stuffed with hot gooey fudge brownies

and an expression like the cat that ate the pet goldfish

I ate cookies in my sleep when I was pregnant with Katie

and when I woke up with a thin mint stuck to my head once

I swore I would never hide cookies under my bed

or eat cookies in my sleep anymore

My brother opened my bedroom door one morning to tell me I had a phone call

I was delirious

cookie wrappers all around me

with a chocolate chip cookie stuck to my face

I didn't even know I had eaten cookies in my sleep again

How embarrassing

~*~

Brad went with me to the ultra sound

It's a boy

This made Brad very happy

He left me again

It's ok

I am content enough with my life now

not to care if he's here or not

~*~

I walked down to the school to get Katie on the last day of school

It was such a beautiful day that we decided to walk to the hospital

to have lunch in the cafeteria

I love how beautiful it is here

Before we went to the cafeteria we went upstairs to my doctor's office

I joked around with my midwife that she's fired because I'm still pregnant

She had told me early in the week that I would have delivered the baby by now

We laughed

I took Katie down to the cafeteria

Standing in line getting her food

Katie said she needed to use the restroom

While I was waiting for her

I felt a warm liquid trickle down my leg

I looked down and realized my water broke

We went upstairs to labor and delivery

While I was trying to reach Brad

the people from my doctor's office came down to see me one by one

They told me I discovered the secret to going into labor

just holler at your midwife

Tasha came to get Katie

Did I mention how much I love Tasha

Brad left work

He showed up at the hospital with his mother

I didn't think he needed back-up

but at least he didn't show up with my mother

Despite not being together anymore

Brad was awesome during labor and delivery of our son

He was patient, kind, calm, concerned

When he held my hand or toughed my belly

I didn't even feel the pain

I even forgot that his mother was there taking photos

She captured the real money shot just as Kaleb came out

Kaleb was 10 pounds and 22½"

I told the lady with the paperwork for the birth certificate

that if Brad signs the birth certificate

it would be Kaleb Jerome Brown, Brad's last name

but if he didn't sign it would be Kaleb Jerome Schwartz, my last name

She said she would come back when Brad was there

but I never saw her again

Kaleb had liquid in his lungs

He had to have an oxygen hood over him

but he kept taking it off and throwing it

They had me hold a tube over my shoulder blowing oxygen onto his face while I nursed him

Brad had been arrested many times before I knew him and had ended that episode of his life

So we had a good laugh, when Kaleb's first day of life

he had security locking up the whole floor coming to investigate

Kaleb had kicked off his ankle ID which set off a security alarm

Kaleb wasn't getting better so he was sent to the hospital in Hartford, Connecticut

My new baby is now far from home in the NICU

It was awkward breast-feeding my 10 pound son

sitting next to doctors and nurse working on a two pound baby

Katie and I stayed in one of the family rooms

Brad came up to see Kaleb and feed him from the bottles I filled with breastmilk

Brad was pre-occupied with another girl he'd gotten pregnant

I tried not to worry about it

focusing only on seeing him bond with our son who was getting better

Brad had a terrible childhood so I know being a parent scared him

Even though he desperately wanted a child, I knew this was hard for him

Despite the tension, it was heart-warming to see him hold our baby

as he kissed him on the bridge of his little nose

I took as many photos as a could because I didn't know how many opportunities there might be

to capture these moments of father-son bonding

I returned home in time to receive Kaleb's birth certificate

I called the county clerk's office to scream somebody six shades of stupid

I spoke to the lady who I had seen at the hospital

I asked her why she never came back but then made Kaleb's name Schwartz-Brown

She explained that she had seen Brad and his mother in the elevator as she was leaving the hospital

after telling me she would come back, but never did

Brad wouldn't sign the form

Since I had been up in Hartford at the hospital with Kaleb

I had missed the 10 day window to make any corrections to the birth certificate

~*~

Brad and I got back together

but when Kaleb was two months old

Brad left me again

for a girl he met at the deli at the grocery store

She was easily the single-most ugliest girl in all New England I do believe

This made me nauseous, but it made my friends laugh

Her photo was printed large as life on the front page of the paper

under the heading

"MAD COW DISEASE"

My friends all saw it, called me, and even cut out the article for me

I still have it, because it has to be the most hilarious thing ever

BOODGY

My friend Holly has a daughter, Kaitlynn

just a year older than Katie

She's Katie's best friend

Kaitlynn carries Kaleb everywhere

she calls him Boodgy

It is so sweet how she adores him

Kaleb doesn't crawl

he scoots on his knees

when he's not on Kaitlynn's hip

People laugh about it

because they have never seen a baby scoot instead of crawl

~*~

I quit my job at the local dollar store

because of the horrible way they treated me during my pregnancy

They neglected to relieve me for lunch breaks and the end of my shift

I missed the bus one day and had to run/waddle more than a mile home

before Katie's bus got there

I was ten minutes late

Katie and I were both scared and crying

I used half of the money my grandmother left me

to pay credit card debt in the move to Connecticut

and the other half I bought my brother's Chevy Blazer from him

Katie was in school in Norwich

I put Kaleb in day care in Uncasville

while I went to work at a sandwich shop in Gales Ferry

I enjoyed the drive time

but I hated being away from my kids

I called the day care twice a day

to listen to Kaleb breathe and coo

I'm sure the day care workers

wanted to punch me in my throat

Separation anxiety is a bitch

After work I would take home the throw-away bread

pick up my kids from day care and school

take them to the pond at the park by our house

to feed the day old sub bread to the ducks

We did this every day that I worked

I always seem to work for the nicest people

Sometimes he would let me bring Kaitlynn and Katie

The girls would put on uniforms and gloves

and then help the owner of the shop

fold drink boxes

stock chips

even ring up orders

The girls loved it

He was a very nice guy

PREGNANT and HOMELESS

I had a huge party on Kaleb's first birthday

I invited everyone and their kids

we had face painting

a ball pit

a bounce house

a ton of food

It was a lot of fun

we were very happy

I got a phone call

It was Brad

I hadn't heard from him in eight months

I was not kind

I gave him Hell

He took it like he knew he'd earned it

His girlfriend from the deli had run him over with her car

He was in a coma for three days

Now he wanted to make things right with me

and be a father to Kaleb

He called every day for two weeks

I was not kind at all

He didn't give up though

Eventually we were talking all night

about everything

I wanted to punch him in his face

yet I was losing sleep to talk to him

I allowed him to come by to see Kaleb

He brought his uncle with whom I had no problem

but again I didn't think he needed back up

We soon got back together again

At 31 I'm finally feeling like everything will be alright

~*~

We're pregnant again

We're very happy but it's not good timing at all

We have to move

One of my co-workers, Mindy , rented us a room in Gales Ferry

She was very kind to us

As everyone in my life these days, she didn't think much of Brad

People always said they didn't like Brad

but they were willing to put up with him for my sake

Brad got a job at doughnut shop across from Mindy's house

not long after we moved into Mindy's

Brad had serious anger problems arising from his own violent upbringing

One night he used a baseball bat to take his anger out on his car

it was parked across the street in a bank parking lot

he smashed the crap out of the whole car with his bat

Someone called the police

It was Brad's property so the police didn't do anything about it

He got lucky

They could have charged him with a few other things

Brad stormed off down the dark highway

I speed-waddled to get in front of him to stop him

He turned around to came back

Mindy said Brad had to go

The kids and I could stay

Brad had nowhere to go

He had me take him to a homeless shelter in New London

Brad worked the midnight shift across from where I was living

but now he lives nowhere near me

meaning nowhere near his job

Now I had to go from Gales Ferry

to Norwich to take Katie to school

then take Kaleb to day care in Uncasville

drop Brad at the homeless shelter in New London

go back to Gales Ferry for work

Then reverse it after work

Soon I transferred to the Subway in New London

Brad was informed he would have to change his schedule

to adhere to the curfew rules of the shelter

His job would not let him change his hours

and with his job history and difficulty holding a job

he couldn't afford to quit

After working all night

Brad would have to sleep in my Blazer

because no one was to be in the shelter during the day

They were all supposed to be out working

Brad was the only one there who worked third shift

It was embarrassing to have to explain to my co-workers

why my boyfriend had to sleep in my truck while I was at work

I spent a lot of time driving

I was always worried I would get mixed up

go to the wrong place at the wrong time

Working at Subway I was making $10.50 an hour

40 hours or more per week

It wasn't enough to sustain us all

yet it was too much to qualify for public assistance

I couldn't get a raise or a better job

I couldn't get help

I was stressed knowing Brad was sleeping in my car

because I knew people were judging me

I was pregnant

going to the doctor for unknown pain

unrelated to my pregnancy

I was worried

Something had to give

I didn't fit in where I worked

I was the only non-smoker

the owner didn't like Brad

no one ever did

That was always hard for me

because I felt obligated to try to see Brad from my point of view

or try to see him from theirs

Neither was possible

I saw him differently than the rest of the world did

It wore on Brad too

He could sense people were putting up with him

but didn't really like him

I knew all too well what it's like

The customers loved me

but my co-workers didn't like me

and my boss didn't like Brad

so I was fired without a reason

I could have fought it

but I didn't know how

and I really had to much to deal with already

to muster the strength to try to figure it out

As one door closed

another opened

I couldn't get help from the state

and I lost my job

but Tasha talked to her old landlord

to get her to rent a tiny little 2 bedroom to us

The shittiest apartment in the free world

but it was home

We made the best of it

I started painting crack houses turned halfway houses

for the previous owner of the Gales Ferry Subway I had worked for

He sold his stores to buy crack houses

to turn them into sober houses

Like I said before, he was a great guy

I wish I could remember his last name

so I could find him

I tried to hire Brad to help me paint

because he was always depressed that he couldn't keep a job

His painting skills were lacking

and he was too slow to be an hourly employee

Too bad

I liked having him around

He made me laugh

~*~

I filed for disability for the second time

I still didn't know what was wrong with me

so I was denied again

I couldn't keep painting

I felt as though every cell in my body

had individually been smashed with a sledgehammer

Add to that being pregnant at 33 years old

The pain and tiredness was overwhelming

I thought we were doomed

but then, thankfully, Brad got a job

at the metal works down the street

While Katie was at school

I would put Kaleb in the stroller

so we could bring lunch down the street to Brad

It was nice to sit and have lunch like a family

The apartment dirt-basement flooded when it rained

all of our things were ruined

The heat went out many times

in the dead of winter in the middle of the night

Tasha got out of bed to come bring us to her house for the night

Repair men came out but told us each time that it would go out again

if it wasn't replaced

The landlord would not replace it

Every time it got cold we panicked as we tucked the kids in bed

TEMPER TEMPER

Brad and I got into a fight about his temper

He knocked me down while I was pregnant

I had a huge knot on the back of my head

It's evident he hates himself when he hurts me

He's so full of displaced anger

Brad spanked Kaleb one night

because Kaleb got out of bed

He hit Kaleb so hard that he bounced him off the bed

I shoved Brad into the wall

using the full weigh of my 8 months pregnant body

screaming at him for hurting Kaleb

He never spanked Kaleb again...that I know of

I will not have my kids hurt like I was

ROAD RAGE in FULL EFFECT

Driving back home from Groton one day

a little red car in from of me decided to stop dead in the middle of the street

and attempt a three point turn

I nearly crashed into her broad-sided

Locking up my breaks

the seat belt cutting into my pregnant belly

I put the Blazer in park

got out of my vehicle

waddled up to the red car stalled-out sideways in the middle of the street

opened the driver door

yanked the female driver out of the car and onto the roadway

as her three male passengers just sat and looked on

I cussed her six shades of stupid and waddled back to my vehicle

I was so proud of myself for not smashing her head into the asphalt

I get a little cranky when people nearly get me and my kids killed

or nearly get themselves killed at my expense

When my adrenaline gets pumping like that

I feel no pain

Just rage

That girl got lucky

Yes, I know, I handled it wrong

I handled it like a crazy person

Go figure!

"I got out of there without punching anyone, kicking anyone, or breaking down in tears.

Some days the small victories are all you achieve."-Molly Ringle

Two months later we were on Laurel Hill Rd. coming back from my brother's apartment in Groton

in rush hour traffic

as it was getting dark

with a snow storm looming over-head

We were past flurries and into the sticky snow

The car behind be kept coming to close to me on the hill

These were dangerous road conditions

on a road that's dangerous in good weather

I got fed up with his poor driving etiquette

I put the vehicle into park

Brad said under his breath, "oh shit"

He got out at the same time I did

Brad stood by the back of the Blazer

popped the latch to release the glass door

and crossed his arms like a club bouncer

I waddled my pregnant self over to the car behind me

He saw me coming and locked his door

I tapped on his window

There was no possible way around my vehicle

so he had to deal with me if he wanted to move along

He cracked his window a few inches

I was very hostile in my hazardous road conditions tutorial

"Do you not see the snow, the dark, the cars? You see all that right?"

He nods his head in the affirmative

I continued

"You don't know if people have kids in their car

and you're driving all up on me like you're in a race?

I'm pregnant

I have kids in my car

If you come any closer to me than two mother-fucking car lengths rolling

or half of a car length stopped

between here and downtown

I'm going to come back and fuck you up!

Are we clear?"

He said, "yes ma'am"

I waddled back to my vehicle

Brad closed the back glass door and hopped back in the passenger side

I asked him about what he was doing with the back of the truck

He told me his baseball bat was in there and if anything went down he had me covered

I laughed

It was sweet in a psychotic way

I have enough rage in me, that I'm pretty sure I don't need back up

but it was comforting to know he cared like that

I never had anyone care about my safety before

WHEN PUSH SHOVES BACK

The kids were eating dinner on TV trays in our super-tiny living room

Brad eating his dinner on the couch

We had no room for a table

Brad told Kaleb he was spoiled because I made him different food

I told Brad that he in fact was the spoiled one

Brad threw his dinner at me

The thick, blue ceramic bowl of food hit the wall by my head

The bowl shattered

His food went all over me and the floor

Brad rushed me, pushing me backwards

I stepped back to gain my footing

I reached out not to fall

barley grasping his neck

My sharp nails grazed his flesh

He pushed me backwards over the counter

Leaned into me over my giant pregnant belly

yelling at me

His face an inch away from mine

He went back to the couch

I re-gained my balance

grabbed a folded dinner tray

dramatically dropped it on the floor at his feet

making the best Incredible Hulk impression I could for being a girl

stating that I can throw a fit too if so inclined

Our neighbors on the other side of the paper-thin walls

whom we've never actually met

called the police

We both got arrested

He assaulted me

but because I had reached out to keep from falling

my nails had left marks on his neck

I had no marks on me

I was three days away from having a baby

so the officer gave me a DAT (desk appearance ticket)

They took Brad downtown

I cleaned up and tried to get back to normal

HOSPITALS, POLICE, and CANCER

March 31st 2004

I put the laundry in the washers at the laundromat down the street

started cooking

and went into labor

I called Tasha

she took me to the hospital

switched my clothes to the dryers

picked up Katie

then she contacted Brad

He came up to the hospital

Our kids stayed with Tasha

Jessamine Olivia was born a few hours later

Tasha brought our kids up to see their baby sister

I became very ill over-night

I threw up the whole time I was in the hospital due to contracting the flu while I was there

It was miserable

Brad picked up the laundry but he left it in my Blazer

He also left food on the stove and the dirty dishes just how I left them

Katie stayed with Tasha

Kaleb stayed with Brad

Brad feed him donuts, chips, and gave him creatine for three days

Shortly after we brought our perfect baby girl, Jessamine Olivia home

we moved a block down the street to a larger duplex

Brad's mother bought him a used purple car

we stripped it and painted it electric baby blue

We liked getting lost in Rhode Island

then finding our way home

The kids liked the adventure of it too

We would stop in random places for a picnic

Just enjoying life and spontaneity

I often took our kids to the beach in Rhode Island

just past Voluntown, CT where Tasha's mom lives

Sometimes I took extra kids with us

I would mark them with a half inch line with a black Sharpie marker

so they would know how deep into the water they were allowed to go

Other parents laughed at the cleverness of it

and how cute to see the kids stand up in the middle of playing

to check and make sure they weren't past the line I marked on them

We had a happy life finally

After Kaleb was born in May of 2002, upon one of the after-care doctor visits

I was told I have cervical pre-cancerous cells

and would need to schedule an appointment for the procedure to remove them

I had skin cancer when I was 18 and had it removed so I wasn't nervous

This was important because I'm usually nervous about everything

September 2004 I had a 10 year IUD implanted

I was finally feeling happy and normal about life

With the support of my good friend, Tasha, I decided to give celebrating Halloween another try

I had a party for all the kids we knew

Then we all went out trick-or-treating as a group

It was actually fun

It made me want to replace all my bad memory associations with good ones

The elementary school in our neighborhood was having a party

That's where I met Liz and her son Dante

Liz was a beautiful and very kind single mother

She was classy on the surface

but she was definitely a "take-no-shit" kind of girl

I loved her smile and her one baby-tooth that never came out

She was so upbeat and positive

We got to be friends right away

Liz was best friends with my friend Torey

Torey had a very messed up life

If ever I wanted to hug someone's soul, it was hers

She had two kids who were adorable but out of control

Torey would often look to me for help

I had her daughter at my house for a ten day "boot camp" to straighten her out

After that when she would act out

all Torey had to say is that she would call Kristen

and that would remedy the situation on the spot

One morning I got a call from Torey

She told me that her daughter's father

would come to the bus stop every morning

and tell her how her mommy is too busy with her baby brother to love her

and other brain-washing material too much for a young child to process

Torey asked me if I would drive her daughter to school every day until he gave up

I said I would

After a few days

he caught on

He could see me in my red Blazer in his rear view mirror

up the hill in front of Torey's house

He put his car in reverse

and pulled up next to my vehicle as I was putting his daughter in it

I told the kids to lock the doors

He asked me what I was doing

I said I'm taking her to school

He told me to let him have her

I said Torey has custody and Torey asked me to take her daughter to school

If he wants his daughter

he would have to arrange it through Torey

not through me

I started to get in my vehicle

He grabbed my arm

I pulled away

I told him to back off

He said he would call the police

I looked him right in his face as seriously as I could and said

"If you're feeling froggy, ya better jump, mother fucker!"

He postured up over me

I said

"Call the police if you think you need back up like that, but I ain't backin' down."

I'm the 5'3" little Susie-home-maker just taking the kids to school

and he's the 6'3" dope dealing, ex-convict stopping me

Who did he really think they would take issue with?

He didn't much appreciate my comments

or the way I wasn't backing down from him

He called the police

Three cars showed up with six officers

They separated us to question us

Two of the officers went inside to speak with Torey

They confirmed that Torey has custody

and that I'm her friend whom she asked to take her daughter to school

They told him he couldn't stop me

He was swearing, and yelling, flailing, and lurching

I was calm

just leaning on my Blazer

waiting for my turn to speak when questioned

I was courteous and respectful

He was hostile and aggressive

They told him to leave

He faked like he was going to leave

then quickly turned and lunged at me

Three officers pounced on him

putting him to the ground less than two feet away from my feet

They swiftly linked him up and put him in the back of a squad car

I shook my head and smirked as they drove away

He was yelling profane words at me as they drove off

The kids unlocked the doors so I could get in and drive them to school

When I brought Torey's daughter home from school

her father was picking up his car

He didn't say a word to us

~*~

I helped Torey get a job where I was working

It was nice to have someone to talk to on the drive there

Torey had told me all about her life

It was a messy life to be sure

and how she still loved her kids' father

despite his inability to do right by her or their kids

One day on the way to work

she told me the one thing she liked best about me

is that I never judged her

I was stunned that she said that

I laughed

I told her given the amount of mistakes I've made in my life

and the fact that I too

still loved a man who can't do right by me or our child

I was well aware that I had no place to judge anyone

Life had sucked all the joy out of Torey

I wanted to help her get it back

Just like me, she was always broke

and always in pain

with everyone around her being so dismissive

citing it's all in her head

I understood her plight all too well

She came over to my house one afternoon as she often did

entered my kitchen where I was cleaning

showed me a knot on her thigh and asked

"Does this lump look like something I should worry about?"

Are you kidding me!?

Torey, get your ass to the doctor now!

She of course asked a few more people

Then went to the emergency room

They told her it was all in her head

Big surprise there

The paperwork they sent her home with stated

"Take ibuprofen and make a psychiatric appointment."

Liz, Torey's sister, and I of course

all told Torey that was crap and she needed to call her doctor

Thankfully, Torey's sister was livid enough about the diagnosis

to take Torey to an emergency room in New London 30 minutes away

Four hours later

we were all informed that Torey had a rare type of Leukemia

Her prognosis was not good

She had several lumps spread throughout her body

Except for the lumps

Torey and I had the same symptoms

wide-spread chronic pain

migraine head-aches

insomnia

excessive tiredness

nausea with head-aches

achy joints

and depression

Doctors see the depression then just chalk all our symptoms up to that

They never looked any further for a physical explanation

for what we were suffering

People often asked us if we had MS because of our posture and our labored gait

We both tested negative for MS

Fighting for years for a diagnosis is psychologically stressful

because the people in your life think

well, if the doctor says there's nothing wrong with you

then there's nothing wrong with you

Meanwhile, there is something very wrong

We just don't know what

and no one who can help us will

Now that Torey had her diagnosis

neither of us were comforted by it

She was given six months to live

I was now stuck between wanting to know what's wrong with me

and not wanting to know it was something like Leukemia

It was a solemn time

Torey was transferred up to a hospital in Hartford

We all took turns car-pooling up there to see her

Child protection had taken Torey's kids

She was now suffering chemotherapy and painful testing procedures

I had already seen my ex-boyfriend's mom die from brain cancer treatments

when I lived on Sanibel Island, Florida

I wasn't ready to see Torey go like that

She needed more time to find her joy in life

I wondered if I had found mine

I was finally diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and degenerative disc disease

There's no cure and no relief for the dire chronic pain of Fibromyalgia

but at least I wouldn't die from it

Torey recovered finally

was able to get her kids back

and six years later, now has more kids

still cancer-free

She had beaten the odds

It was amazing

I haven't seen her in years

but every time I think of her

I hope that she now values her life and has found her joy

Torey is a good person with a good heart

I am happy to have known her

People would tell me she was too depressing to be around

but for me it was different

My understanding and compassion for her suffering

helped me

as much as my friendship helped her

For the first time ever

I felt I wasn't alone

I knew it wasn't all in my head

Yes, I have deeply rooted mental problems

and there is a lot of damage in my head

but that doesn't mean it ends there

It doesn't mean I don't have physical problems as well

Just because doctors can't give me a straight answer

doesn't mean there's not an answer to be found

~*~

One of the best things that came out of knowing Torey

was meeting Liz and her son Dante

Liz wasn't like any of my other friends in Connecticut

I was always known for babysitting for free

and kids always like being at my house

despite having much more to offer at their own house

Liz was very cautious not to make me feel like I was being taken advantage of

She took good care of me as a friend

Most of all

she listened to me without judgment

and without telling me what to do

or how to live my life

such as ditching Brad

People often feel compelled to spew advice when we talk

when all we really need is someone to listen

I am very awkward

and I still don't fit in

Liz made me feel like I didn't have to fit in

like it was ok to be myself, even if myself was bat-shit crazy

I enjoyed my visits from Liz when she came to pick up Dante, her well-mannered handsome son

She would even visit me her lunch break when Dante was at school

I like to take care of people

I'm compelled to

so I would make her lunch when she came to visit

This would also guarantee that I would sit down and eat, which I rarely did

and it was nice to have company in the middle of the day

Most of the time I was at doctor's appointments, testing, or medical procedures

Liz works for a doctor

She scheduled me for a colonoscopy with him

When they were prepping me, they tried to put that little plastic oxygen thing in my nostrils

I have no idea why, but I flipped out, panicked, crying, and leaped up to run out the door

I had the same reaction when the neurologist put electrodes on my legs and "mildly" zapped me

and when the sleep study lady put the oxygen thing in my nostrils

I do not know why I have these sensory issues

I just know it isn't pretty

~*~

I went to the video store with Liz one afternoon

leaving our kids home with Brad

The video store was right by our apartment

so we were only gone a few minutes

When Liz and I arrived back to the apartment

my almost-two-year-old Jessamine was in time-out

crying louder than seemed normal

I asked Brad what happened

I forget what bullshit, lame excuse he gave me

for what a two year old could possibly do

to warrant being hit

I noticed finger prints just outside of her diaper

I grilled him about it

I took her diaper off to see his hand print

He had hit her so hard it went through her diaper

This is when that switch in me gets flipped

I try so hard to check my anger

but when it comes to anyone raising a hand to my kid

I lose my damn mind

I didn't want to go through getting arrested again

so I hugged Jessamine calming her down

but I left the back off her diaper down

to make sure he could see what he had done to his baby girl

I wouldn't let him escape it

Later that night

as calmly as I could

I informed him if he ever touched any of our kids again

I would risk catching charges

just to show him what real violence is all about

He knew I meant it

and he probably sensed that I was already plotting his demise

if he ever did such an awful thing again

I'm quite sure that wasn't the best way for me to handle it

but it was far and away much better than I had handled it in the past

When he spanked Kaleb at that age

I put Brad through a wall

When Tasha called me from the beach

to tell me Brad spanked eight year old Katie on the beach

for not hearing him call her from up on the beach while she was out in the water

I threw all his belongings in the street

by the time he got back from the beach with the kids

and cussed him out and punched him in his face

So I think while this wasn't the best way to handle it

I thought it was an improvement in my self-management of anger

No one taught either one of us how to deal with our rage

but I knew better than to take mine out on the kids

Now he knew too

THE MOUSE CAN HAVE THE HOUSE

Neither Brad nor I were ever any good at holding a job for any length of time

My problem was social ineptitude and anxiety

I would either get bored and ask for a transfer

get bored and quit

or get hated on enough that I would move on

I always had to have more than one job at a time

though I seemed to really like cooking in restaurants best

Brad's problem was social ineptitude and unchecked anger problems

I have just as much rage as he does

but he never quite figured out how to hide it, store it, or ignore it

he just let it out on the spot

Brad was fired just as often as he quit

He was a hard worker, but his temper would always get him in trouble

I would often receive a call in the middle of a work day from him

to hear that he had been fired or quit

One day I get the call, and I answered inquiring right off the bat if he had been fired or if he quit

He said

"Neither. I shit my pants. I'm coming home to change."

He said he told his boss, but he didn't believe him, stating, "who does that?"

He offered to show his boss, who quickly declined to see the evidence

Wile Brad was the gross one

I was the serious one

Maybe that's why I loved being with him

He made me laugh all the time

because he really and truly didn't have the slightest care what anyone thought of him

He was completely crazy, and I loved all of it, except for the temper

Brad would ask me all the time, "why are you with me?"

I declined to answer

I just threw the question back at him

He always said

"because you're holding my kids hostage"

We laughed, but the sad part is that was how he felt

He couldn't take care of himself

He thought, "why not stay with the lady taking care of my kids, and let her take care of me too?"

After a few years of Brad asking me why I was with him

I finally blurted out irritably, "BECAUSE I CAN'T DO ANY BETTER, OK!?"

and there you have it

the truth does not set you free

I felt terrible for saying it

and he threw it back in my face often

We worked as a couple, sure, but we both felt trapped

What do you do with that exactly?

We kept going

~*~

Brad was at lunch one day at work

when he stopped to pull a long blond hair out of his sandwich

He dropped the strand of hair on the lunchroom floor

and continued to eat his tuna sandwich

His co-workers were mortified

"You're still gonna eat that!!?"

"Hell yes!", He confessed.

He explained that the last time he said anything about the food I put in front of him

I stopped feeding him for a week

He wasn't risking that again

Not only was he disinclined to make his own food

I was pretty territorial about my kitchen

Brad often came home from his 45 minute commute from work

screaming and cussing about the traffic

so every day, "honey I'm home" soon turned into a tourettes seminar

Somehow he always worked New York into his rants

He grew up in Canajoharie, NY and really wanted to go back there

Before he had been run over by a car and wound up in a coma

he let it be well known that he never wanted to go back there

Ever since the coma

he wouldn't shut up about it

Now it was an every day thing

I did not in any way want to go to NY

One day while Brad was at work

I found a mouse in one of the pots in my kitchen

After a hearty blood curdling scream

I calmly put a lid on the pot and called Brad at work

I told him to hurry home and get the mouse out of the apartment

He knew better than to think I was kidding

He put his boss on the phone with me

because he wasn't even trying to explain that one

By the time he got to the apartment almost an hour later

I had half the apartment packed in boxes

and the landlord was on his way over

We're moving

I can't sleep knowing mice can get in my apartment

He wanted to go to New York

He was getting his wish

Instead of being angry at me for making him leave work to put a mouse out of the house

He was over-joyed that I was crazy enough to make snap decisions with no basis in reality

See why we work so well?

I set about looking for an apartment up in this tiny little village in NY

The only thing available was a two bedroom

The landlord would not rent to us

because she felt five people would be cramped in her tiny two-bedroom

I saw more ads for two bedrooms bed didn't realize it was the same lady

She scolded me for calling her again

I pleaded with her to rent to us

She said, "if I rent to you, will you stop calling me?"

Well of course!

We moved just a few days after the mouse invaded my kitchen

CANA-wha? NEW YORK

Seriously you could stand in downtown Canajoharie, or Canjo as they call it

throw a stone, and it would hit outside of Canjo

The apartment was so small, but we had been in worse

When I first arrived in New York

I suddenly was having panic attacks everyday

a deep depression started to grab hold of me

When I first moved to Canjo, I was given the number of the local church

to see if they could help us with any immediate needs until we were able to get settled

I called Pastor Dave Prahst, he was very nice, but he couldn't help

We talked for awhile, I think he could sense I wasn't happy about having moved to New York

I am socially awkward, I talk too much, divulge everything, and I don't know when to stop talking

Pastor Dave listened

Once he called to check on me, which was very nice of him

I was having a full-blown panic attack

He stayed on the phone with me while I rambled, cried, and hyperventilated

When Brad arrived home from job-hunting, he took me to the hospital, 30 minutes away

They gave me some anti-anxiety pills

then 30 minutes later gave me more

When there was still no change in my panic level, they gave me a shot

I started to feel sleepy and calm down

This entire scenario, panicked calls with Pastor Dave, driving to the hospital

replayed for months, even after I was prescribed anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds

Canajoharie, NY was so far not agreeing with me

Katie was doing great in school, making friends, and took up basket ball and cheerleading

We stuck it out for awhile, and Brad went to work for a temp agency

I started selling cosmetics from home

My doctor gave me a strong pain killer administered by a patch

The pain medicine made me violently ill

I vomited constantly

I couldn't keep anything down

I had blinding migraines so we had to keep the apartment dark

I couldn't go outside with the kids

or function at all other than to crawl to the bathroom

Brad had to stay home sometimes

to take care of the kids

so he cut back his hours

We had to apply for food stamps

In order to receive assistance

I would have to report Brad to the child support agency

even though he wasn't an absent parent

or we had to get married

We decided to get married

I lost 20 pounds from the effects of the pain med patch

I was wearing jeans over jeans to keep them up

I was a shell of a person

unable to participate in my own life

I missed being able to do things with my kids

My kids missed spending time with me

I stopped all medication again

Brad got a second job driving a cab, he dropped the cab phone in the toilet

We laughed because that was the third time he's dropped a phone in the toilet

Halloween in Canjo is a village-wide activity

The whole village goes out together in a path ending up at the high school for a Halloween party

complete with haunted house

We took the kids, it was fun

We started to enjoy life again

despite my being over-whelmed by pain and extreme tiredness

We took the kids to the park

out for ice cream

to Wintergreen Park to camp for the day or throw rocks across the stream

we even went to school functions

We were a real family living a happy life

Then two year old Jessamine fell ill

She had kidney reflux

We had to put her in the hospital in Albany

I refused to let go of her

The nurses were very understanding

so they brought me a fold out chair which I slept on

with Jessamine on my chest, for six nights

during the day I would hold her in my lap

and take her to the play room when ever possible

Brad stayed home with Kaleb and Katie

He brought them up to see their baby sister

but it was a two hour drive so they only came up twice

and then the third time to bring us home

Brad and I didn't have money for a wedding or even a ring

While I was at the hospital with Jessamine

Brad received his income tax return

He bought himself a CB radio that he never used

and it ended up throwing into a puddle when he was angry

and he bought me a ring

He was very excited about it

By the expression on his face, his confident posture

and the fact that he told me he had a surprise for me

I could tell he had a ring for me

He pouted that I guessed what it was

It was cute

He has the cutest pout

I was very happy to finally be married to him

I didn't need a ring

but it was still cool to have

especially from the man who said he'd never get married

Jessamine being in the hospital was rough

she was our baby

Kaleb missed her terribly

He was only four

and he'd never known a moment without her since her birth

It was hard for him to go back home

leaving his Jebbie behind in the hospital

Brad said Kaleb had trouble falling asleep

because he was worried about his baby sister

When I got home with Jessamine

it was like deja vu

Brad hadn't touched a thing since I left

The groceries I was in the process of putting away had rotted

as well as some of the fresh food I had put in the fridge the day we left for the hospital

The whole apartment wreaked and was a total mess

I hadn't slept much in the hospital

I was in a world of pain

worried sick about my baby girl

and sleeping in the chair really cranked my pain up to the most extreme level

I was too tired to stand by the time I arrived home

but I had a huge mess to clean up

while making dinner for the family

Brad does not do well in my absence, domestically speaking

It took a few weeks

but things finally resumed normalcy

Jessamine turned three

Then we moved to Mill Street

and it all went down hill from there

Brad had warned me about Mill Street before we went to NY

but we needed a bigger apartment

so we moved

Our neighbors gave our kids lice

and they beat their kids

I could hear everything through our paper thin walls

and the odor of marijuana infiltrated our apartment

Even their twelve year old son smoked it

right in front of the duplex

I reported the child abuse several times

but nothing ever came of it

Our apartment was spacious enough

but that was the extent of the good news

I couldn't wait to get out of there

I started blacking out with no idea why

falling asleep on my feet in strange places

like driving more than two minutes

or standing in line at the post office

I wasn't on any medication

yet I couldn't keep my eyes open

I was having chest pains

and I was short of breath

I kept going to different doctors

endless testing

and still no answers

I applied for disability again

because between my mental problems and physical pain

I couldn't stay well long enough to keep a job

I was denied

I filed an appeal

I was denied again

and then I went to court

The judge chastised me for several things

one of which was having changed my name so many times

I was horrified that he would be so mean

Does he not get that I was a child who had no say in being adopted?

I was very sensitive about my names, I would even cry and freak out at the mention of my old first name

How is this judge going to criticize me for something that was beyond may control

I changed my name once to help me over-come depression and PTSD from child abuse

and my last name changed when I married Brad

Anything prior to that was not for this judge to put on me

My counselor had come to the meeting with me

though she couldn't address the court

Afterwards she agreed with me that what he had said to me was inappropriate

I had plenty of medical documentation backing my disability claim

and plenty of psychiatric documentation

but because of my high IQ, the judge felt surely I could find work

I was so tired of fighting

I just wanted to be healthy

The judge told me I didn't have the right to appeal his ruling

I called every lawyer in the zip code

none would help me

because they hadn't been involved in my claim from the beginning

I set out to write my own appeal

We didn't have a computer yet

so I had to go to the library across from where we lived when we first moved to Canjo

We only had 20 minutes at a time to use the computer

It took me three months in 20 minute increments to compile a 78 page appeal

I sent it to the court of appeals in Virginia

and waited a whole year for a reply

in the mean time

Kaleb turned five and was waiting impatiently to be able to start school

He had been diagnosed at age three with Asperger's syndrome

by two different doctors

Asperger's syndrome is a type of Autism that primarily affects social skills

The first question I was asked by the first doctor was

why did I feel my son needed evaluating

I explained how it would minimize my stress level

if I had an answer for every time someone asks me

what's wrong with my son

Brad wasn't very accepting of the diagnosis

forcing things on Kaleb that made him uncomfortable

all in an effort to disprove such a thing exists

It reminded me of how dismissive my mother and nearly everyone else I knew

was regarding my physical pain and my PTSD triggers

The only person who didn't give me a hard time

about Kaleb having been diagnosed with Asperger's

was my best friend, Maura, because her son had it too

but she lived far away and didn't have near the trouble I was having in seeking help

Maura had gotten a new computer

so she gave us her old one

Brad and I discussed going to school online

since neither of us would be able to handle going to an actual school

While I mulled the idea over

I focused on getting the kids ready for the new school year

I contacted the school in Canjo to have Kaleb tested for an IEP

Six months ago they told me they didn't need a diagnosis, that they would do their own testing

Now they're saying he does need a diagnosis

I had paperwork for him citing Asperger's syndrome from two doctors anyway so we're good....right?

They said they don't care what a doctor says

that I should just let Kaleb start school

and I would see he's just like every other child

They never even met Kaleb, so how could they say this?

They wouldn't test him before school, stating that I needed to wait

While I waited, I decide to sign up for college classes online

The school said I needed to get a copy of my GED

with my current name on it

I also needed my school records

I was too scared to call my school

My husband understood why, and made the call for me

I sat beside him shaking

tears starting down my cheek

Just the thought of my high school being connected to my life by a phone call

terrified me

I felt like my traumatic past was in my living room

I rocked back and forth on the couch

trembling and sobbing

until Brad hung up with the school

He told me I had to contact the school board

and that I would need to send proof of name change with the original court seal

I called the school board

I couldn't say my old name still

so I told her I have PTSD and my husband was going to tell them my name

because I still have unresolved issues with it

She was very understanding

I gave Brad the phone and quickly moved across the room

I plugged my ears and hummed so I wouldn't hear it

When he gave me back the phone

the lady from the school board told me

that I have a high school diploma and a GED

inquiring if I wanted both of them

I explained to her that I never graduated

She informed me, that although I hadn't gone through the ceremony

I still had more than the required amount of credits for a diploma

She further informed me, that it was not mandatory

to go through the graduation process to receive a diploma

As long as I had the required credits

that diploma was mine

I suddenly felt ill

My eyes welled up

When I had explained my graduation fears to the school board when I was 18

the lady on the phone didn't tell me that

I got my GED for nothing

I went through life thinking I was a failure for nothing

I burst into tears

She told me not to worry

I could send in a copy of my named change with the court seal on it

and she would send me my diploma with my current name on it

When my school records arrived

I scanned my grades

I was all over the map

It was like someone barfed up alphabet soup onto my transcripts

The only classes I was consistent in was Spanish and Drama

Straight As in Spanish

As and Bs in Drama

As for the rest of it

it was anything goes I guess

Suddenly I realized that my inability to focus wasn't a new thing

The fact that I had no direction in life was also not a new thing

I then started to think maybe I wouldn't have the focus to go to college online

So Brad signed up for online school instead

ASPERGER'S SYNDROME....WEB SEARCH IT!

Kaleb also started school

What a nightmare

He couldn't wait to start school

He was so excited and happy his first day

He came home in tears and never wanted to go back

I tried to get the school to test him for an IEP before he started school

They refused and said it would be best to start him and see how he does

His teacher had no idea what Asperger's syndrome is

She was unwilling to learn about it

She's been teaching since 1974 she kept repeating to me as if that was an excuse to be ignorant

She felt she knew everything there was to know in teaching Kindergarten

I hated taking him to school

He cried and begged me not to make him go

He would hide under a desk or behind a board

I felt so terrible leaving him there

What have they done to my happy little boy?

One day I made a surprise visit

He was in the cafeteria

under the table

screaming

His teacher was squatted down, shoving a sandwich half in his face telling him he had to eat

I picked my son up

put him on my hip

and stormed out of the cafeteria

proud of myself for not beating her to death for traumatizing my son

I saw the principle on the way out

I barked at her that I would not be bringing my son back

until they scheduled him for testing

since the two doctor's diagnosis he had

stating he has Asperger's syndrome

apparently weren't enough for them

I filed a compliant with the federal board of education

They said I had a case

and started proceedings against the school

The day after the school was made aware of my federal case against them for violating the IDEA act

the school called me informing me they would test Kaleb

I refused to leave him in their care

so I waited in the office

with the door to the testing area open and my son in my full view

He squirmed all about during testing

He couldn't stay in his chair

at least not right side up

When we got the results

they said Kaleb does exhibit signs of a PDD (pervasive development disorder)

but he wasn't decompensated enough to be in any special class

or warrant an IEP (individualized education plan)

The superintendent forced Kaleb to change classes against my wishes

I wanted Kaleb's current teacher to read up on Asperger's

Asperger's kids don't feel comfortable with change

The school year had started

She needed to do her damn job

not move my son out of her class

I lost that battle

In Kaleb's new class, he had a wonderful teacher

but there were three boys in her class awaiting testing

who were out of control and violent

One of them was physically hurting my son

Kaleb would come home so upset

but wouldn't tell me why

After days of begging him to tell me

it finally came down to me promising that I wouldn't tell the teacher

because he didn't want anyone to get into trouble

This boy was squeezing Kaleb's butt cheeks really hard

to the point of Kaleb crying

Another boy was saying very mean things to Kaleb

and taking Kaleb's things

I did tell the teacher

because I wasn't leaving my son there

until the boys she knew to be violent were out of the class

I kept him home a week

keeping up on school work so he wouldn't be behind when he went back

The school called to inform me

that the troubled boys have been placed in special-needs classes

and Kaleb could come back to school

Kaleb started doing better

no crying or hiding

His teacher stayed in communication with me

and I continued to make surprise visits

In the meantime

I was having terrible abdominal pains and had to be taken for testing

I was told I was pregnant

I was very upset

The point of a ten year IUD is to not get pregnant

I had only had mine for three years

It's dangerous to mother and baby to be pregnant while having an IUD implant

Brad was thrilled but I had no idea why

He ran around all of Mill St. and downtown Canjo screaming

"I kicked one past the goalie! We're having another kid!"

Was he out of his mind? I think yes

I told him not to get too excited because it's not safe to be pregnant with an IUD

I told him

"I'm going to miscarry"

The doctor told me I would most likely miscarry

I was in pain, bleeding, upset

and Brad is out there dancing in the streets about it

I did miscarry but it was a complicated miscarriage

It was more painful than I had expected

Brad was so disappointed

I asked him if he understood the concept of birth control

which is what the whole IUD thing was all about

Seeing him sad made me sad

Why did he want more kids?

He can't keep a job long enough to help me support the ones we have

Soon after the miscarriage, my husband tried to quit using snuff tobacco

He was put on an anti-depressant

I became ill and bed-ridden again

The anti-depressants killed his sex drive

and with me being sick he wondered if he just wasn't attracted to me any more

He didn't discuss the situation with me but he called his doctor to tell her the meds weren't

getting him any closer to quitting his nicotine addiction

Without seeing Brad a second time

she simply doubled his dosage by calling it in

This made matters worse with his depression and other side effects

One morning I was too sick to drive Kaleb to school

I asked Brad to please take him

He started yelling at me

wonder why Kaleb can't just take the bus with Katie

He didn't understand Kaleb's condition at all

I took the kids to school

I fell asleep on the way home and nearly wrecked

so I was mad that Brad put me in that situation

I went in the kitchen to hang fabric over the doors and windows to keep out the cold

Brad came in and asked me for money for a can of snuff

I flipped out on him

How is he going to ask me for money every day for his stupid habit

when he can't even drive his own son to school knowing his wife is too sick?

He got mad, stormed out of the dining room

punched the photo of himself and Jessamine by the front door

and his photo of himself and Kaleb by the front door

and walked out, slamming the front door as hard as he could

He called me the next day to say he was leaving me

He came to pick up his things

as the kids and I were on our way out to take them to school

It dawned on me he was going to go file an injunction

preventing me from leaving the state with the kids

Since I had told him before we moved to New York

"If you leave me, I'm leaving New York."

I don't think he realized that I meant the same day

I called the property manager

(who had previously broken into my house to threaten me and the police did nothing about it)

to inform her that we would be moving immediately

I called my previous landlord, Jan

the one who told me if I stopped calling her she'd let us take the apartment

(who upon inspection of our moving out of her tiny two bedroom apartment was surprised

and impressed to find it so clean and intact that she told me it didn't even look as if anyone

lived there at all let alone five of us having lived there for eight months)

Jan owned a storage facility a block from where we lived

She came over to have me sign for a storage unit

Then she stayed to help me clean and pack

I also called Pastor Dave's wife

Cindy, whom I'd gone to bible study with, attended their church when I could

and she had given me a copy of a book called

"A Purpose Driven Life"

which helped me greatly through my rough start in Canjo

Cindy came over to help pack, clean, and drive us to the airport

I gave away half of our belongings to the people of Mill Street

in exchange for them to move the other half of our belongings to storage

The property manager helped organize the move

Pastor Dave parked my vehicle at his house

until such time as I could make arrangements to get it

With a little help

we had a four bedroom house packed up, cleaned out, and were on our way to the airport

just three hours from the time Brad came to get his things

This was the last time Brad was going to be able to walk out an abandon us

It took him four days to get word that we had left

He didn't believe it, so he drove from Gloversville to Canjo

to see for himself

He was livid from what I heard

He also had in fact filed an injunction preventing me from leaving the state

just as I suspected he would

but it came three days too late

We were already gone

" _New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings."-Lao Tzo_

A DIFFERENT KIND OF CRAZY

The only person to answer their phone that day was my mother

The one person I didn't expect to be there for me

was there for me when it really mattered

She was residing in North Carolina at the time

When I first arrived I was happy to see her

My mom is an awesome person

witty

talented

funny

intelligent

fluent in five languages

crafty

kind

but she hasn't changed

She still terrifies me

My happiness to see her didn't last long

I was in crisis mode with ten days to get my kids in school

which meant I needed to find an apartment immediately

so I could figure out what school district

The last time I saw my mother she had visited us in New York only a month earlier

her new husband's idea

He had been a co-worker of my dad's

an employee of her husband after my dad

So, I knew him from when I was a teenager

My kids have no one to call grandparents

Brad's mother favored his sister and therefore also favored her daughter

but she didn't want much to do with her son

so his offspring didn't get the time of day from her

Our kids couldn't pick his mother or mine out of a line-up

My dad had died years ago due to complications from surgery due to advanced diabetes

My grandmother had passed away years ago

Brad's grandparents weren't part of his life

to the point that I didn't even know if they were still alive

Brad's father died when he was little

and his step-father was a broken drunk living in Canjo

whom we agreed was to never be anywhere near our kids

I didn't want my kids anywhere near my grandfather whom I had disowned long ago

He was living in California so I didn't have to bother with him

I didn't want to be around my mother

I didn't hate her

I just didn't need to be further damaged by her

so I kept many miles between us

and only spoke to her if absolutely unavoidable

As far as the term "family", as far as Brad and I were concerned, it was just us and our kids

I considered friends in Connecticut, and Maura in Minnesota to be my extended family

When my mother came to visit that one time in Canjo

as they were passing through that part of New York on business

she pulled the same brainwashing mind games with my kids

that she had done to me and my little brothers with forcing us to call each of her new husbands "dad"

She was trying to force my kids to call her new husband "grampa" and call her "gramma"

That pushed my buttons, primarily the "oh Hell fucking no" button

I told her with her revolving door status on marriages

the life expectancy of this one didn't warrant any respect

that would afford him any kind of title

He is not my dad

She can no longer force her men to be my dad

I didn't want her forcing my kids to call random men "grampa"

Last time we saw them was the first time they met him

and he avoided our kids at all costs

preferring instead to get drunk and have sex with my mother so loudly

that all my kids and brothers and I couldn't avoid hearing it

I told her when she divorces him

and marries another guy and another

how would she like them still calling this guy "grampa"

The last time I went to Florida to visit my mom

her husband couldn't find the TV remote

Everyone had walked out the door to go somewhere

My mother stopped, closed the door, locked it

grabbed my arm, twisted it, shoved me into the wall

I cowered in fear and pain

She gritted her teeth against my face

and cussed me out because he couldn't find his damn TV remote

She shoved me, unlocked and opened the front door

and then shoved me again, out the door

all the while knowing I am in dire pain from Fibromyalgia

which she doesn't even believe is a real condition

I was 35 years old when she did that to me

reminding me that even though I'm no longer a child

she can still dominate me anytime she feels like it

The next time I saw her was during their trip through New York

I was 37

and she was still trying to dominate me

Telling my kids to call her husband "grampa"

She doesn't have the right to tell my kids anything

She waited until no one was in the same room with us

got up in my face

backing me into the wall by the front door

and told me to quit denying my kids their right to have a family

or she would make my life a living Hell

Like she hadn't already?

I said fine, but when you divorce, he's still grampa, and you'll be the one we disown

Then I asked her if she remembers the last time I walked out on her and turned my back

I was 11 and she had just cheated on her husband

She flinched like she was going to hit me for bringing that up

I stood up straight like I was ready for it

She didn't hit me

She just told me they weren't going to get divorced

and I should learn how to respect her as my mother

As if

I empathize with her for the abuse she suffered in life

but in no way did I have a single drop of respect for her

I loathed myself just for being part of her

So now my kids are calling these people "gramma" and "grampa"

It was like brainwashing deja vu

My husband was rightly pissed

So on the plane ride down to my mother's house

after Brad once again abandoned us

I cried the whole way there

Not about my husband leaving

or even having our lives turned upside-down in the matter of three hours

but because the only person I had in this emergency

was the one person I was mortally terrified of

When we first arrived in NC

my mother was sweet to us

She took us out to eat

Took us grocery shopping

then we went thrift store hopping

My body was screaming in agony

but my mother doesn't believe that I am really in pain

She's always been dismissive of my pain

My mother had a beautiful home

except that it was a glorified trailer

and due to my trailer-residing youth

I had a serious, irrational fear, and panic around trailers

I kept cool on the outside

by my heart was racing and my nerves were shaken when I was inside

I wanted to run screaming

I hadn't yet processed what happened with Brad

I was too busy trying to cope with depending on the kindness of my mother

My mother questioned me about my pain

I have so many symptoms

it's murky trying to figure out

what symptom is a result of what illness, disease, disorder, whatever

Doctors admit they don't know much about Fibromyalgia

not what causes it, or what it even is

All they can do is hand out medication and hope for the best

So when I am in pain, I have to try to figure out if it's something that needs looking into

or is it part of Fibromyalgia, in which case I'm screwed

I told my mom that before I left Canjo I was scheduled to find out if I had gallstones

She forced me to drink olive oil and lemon juice three times a day

just in case I did in fact have gallstones

I hadn't been eating

and all I was drinking was water and apple juice

so the olive oil and lemon juice concoction

ripped my guts out

I spent most of the day in her bathroom

feeling like I was dying from the inside out

I ate three saltine crackers a day

but other than that I had no appetite

I started dropping weight quickly

I was worried because things weren't going well with finding a place to live

that I could afford

so time was ticking on getting my kids into school

My mother and her husband were constantly fighting

but my mother fights like an entitled five year old

It was traumatizing to me and my kids to see

She wanted me to help her decorate the house for Christmas

but I needed to be working on getting my life and my kids squared away

I hate holiday decorations

they seem pointless and a waste of time and effort to me

I don't even wear make up or curl my hair because being in so much pain

and being so exhausted all the time

I pick and choose what is worth the effort

make up and holiday decorations do not make the list

She had a husband who chose to be on the road extra time

to avoid her rather than to help her

Katie gleefully offered to help her

but it still angered her that I didn't want to

I wanted to be on the phone looking for an apartment and a school for my kids

She knocked over her own Christmas tree that towered to the ceiling

breaking several sentimental ornaments

Sentimental to her

but the ones with photos of us kids when we were little

I wanted to smash with a hammer and set on fire

Those weren't good times

for any of us

Why must we hang them on a tree 30 years later?

She tore down all the decorations she had already put up before we arrived there

and threw a screaming, crying fit

pointing out to me that it was all my fault

She then scolded me on how Brad was a loser and maybe I deserved a loser

or better yet

I deserved to be alone because I was a bigger loser

She scolded me for what I wanted to do with my life

How did she even know what I wanted to do with my life seeing as how I didn't even know

She scolded me about thinking something was wrong with me when nothing is wrong with me

She was a massage therapist

If it was any other massage therapist I would have been happy

but my mother worked on me once before, leaving me in tears

and unable to stand up-right or walk for days

She doesn't listen when I say please stop, that's too hard, you're hurting me

She didn't believe in Asperger's or Fibromyalgia

so she paid my tender pressure points no mind

It was torture

Here I am in her house, being forced to go through it

then working on my son, making him cry

After a fight over the phone with her husband

who had been on the road the whole time we were there

but fought with her several times a day by phone

she proceeded to confine herself to her room

She refused to come out for 19 hours

when she did come out

She bitched at me for not checking on her

The door was locked and she wasn't answering the phone

She said she could have committed suicide in there and I wouldn't have even know or cared

Here we go with the emotional abuse again

I was stressed, and crying, and still hadn't given my situation with Brad one single thought

after ten days I received a call from my brother

He lives in Jacksonville, Florida as does my aunt and uncle

My brother and uncle drove up to pick me up and bring me to my brother's home

I asked why they did that

My brother said when he talked to me

he could tell by the sound of my voice that if I stayed there much longer I would have died

I lost 30 pounds in ten days due to vomiting, diarrhea, and malnutrition

He was right

I'm 5'3" , 37 years old, and now weighing 101 pounds

At that rate, ten more days I would have been hospitalized or dead at 71 pounds

I stayed ten days with Justin, my brother

Florida gives you thirty days to get your kids re-enrolled in school

I had spent ten at my mothers

so I was stressed from the pressure

but at least I was eating again

I slept on an air mattress

while my kids slept in the bunk beds for my brother's sons who lived with their mother

My brother worked nights, and slept through the day time

So we had to be silent as dead mice all day

This was not easy

I had to get out of there

I called every 4 bedroom apartment I could find

Everyone wanted applications that two weeks to process

I don't have two weeks

I found a landlord on the west side who was willing to see a fist full of cash as my application

It was all the money we had, so I had no money for anything else

The person who lived here before us had abandoned his two or three dogs when his girlfriend left him

he had gone to stay with his mother without telling the landlord

and two months had gone by

So the house was shredded on the inside

and the walls were smeared waist high with filth and dog feces

It took my brother and I three days of bombing for bugs

and scrubbing the walls floor to ceiling

then another two days for me to paint it

The floors were dangerous with staples, nails, and holes in the hard wood

So we stayed in the living room until I could afford rugs

We moved in December 26th

Brad had walked out the week after Thanksgiving

Life was moving fast

but it was looking bleak and depressing

We had no Christmas that year

A week later, Brad's uncle from Connecticut

drove up to New York, rented a truck, rented a truck, got a hitch for my Blazer

and two days later was at our house with three kids

I told him to offer to bring Brad so he could see our kids

Brad angrily declined the offer

We had absolutely nothing other than one suit case each we had brought on the plane

from NY to NC

Sleeping on hard would floors

then my brother let me borrow his air mattress

When Brad's uncle and his two kids arrived

they helped us put our home together

It was actually a lot of fun, even as physically over-whelming as it was for me

I couldn't enroll the kids in school because it was Christmas break

but I got the ball rolling because up North and down South have different break calendars

I went to charity food shelves

and collected up "damaged" produce from the farmer's market

to get us through at the beginning

My kids needed to eat

When the house was fully set up

and after I ran outside to hug my Blazer in my driveway

we set up the Christmas tree

We had no presents, but we stuffed stockings with obscene amounts of candy

and sat in the only room that had a rug to try our best at being happy

and realizing we were more blessed than it appeared

While the rest of us were talking and laughing

I suddenly noticed my five year old son

the one on the Autism spectrum, sitting in the corner

face covered in chocolate

and his stocking empty

Not only did he eat ALL his candy in just a few minutes

He hadn't stopped to take the wrappers off some of them

{{face palm}}

"Kaleb! You weren't supposed to eat it all at once!"

"Why not? You gave me a stocking full of happiness"

He said in all seriousness

and continued

"Now my belly is full of happiness

Where's the problem?"

We all laughed so hard

It was pretty funny

because I should have known better than to give a five year old a sack full candy

and leave him to it

Brad's uncle and cousin went back to Connecticut

We missed them more than we missed Brad

His uncle tried to help us establish communications with Brad

but he was so angry he just refused

He sent me 20 hateful letters hashing out his feelings

on the "inbred losers of Florida" as he put it

and he wouldn't ever set one foot in this "low-life, inbred state"

I may have a decent IQ

but my husband has an IQ of an 8th grader

You can imagine we didn't have many meaningful conversations over the years

but he did make me laugh a lot

I'm not laughing any more

~*~

I enrolled my kids into school

tried to find work

and filed for child support

to no avail

At least Katie's dad was paying support for her

and I was babysitting while waiting for something to come through

WHEN in DESPAIR, HELP OTHERS in DESPAIR, THEN GO to the BEACH

Katie came home from school

asking if her new friend could sleep over after school the next day

I'm happy she's made friends right away

but I haven't yet had a chance to process

my husband walking out on me

and having to start over again

with three kids in tow

My focus had been on getting my kids in school

and setting up shelter

food for my kids

and getting what was left of our belongings from a New York storage unit

and my vehicle

down to Florida

I wasn't ready to deal with anything else right now

I needed some down time to process what just happened

Katie started to tell me about her new friend, Vanessa

She was very excited

but she was sad for Vanessa

She was staying in a homeless shelter downtown with her family

I've been there before

Nothing breaks a mother's heart more

than not having the means to provide for your kids

I asked Katie if she could reach Vanessa

She had a phone number for her

I told Katie to call her and invite her to stay with us

Katie was extremely happy

Thirty minutes after Vanessa arrived at our house

her mother called me

She asked me if they could all stay with us

she herself, her husband, and their three kids

I didn't even hesitate

I consented

Vanessa ran to Katie's room

crying in embarrassment

I told her it's not something to take on her little kid shoulders

Her parents needed a helping hand

and I didn't mind being the one to reach out to someone in need

She did not feel better

but she was happy to be with Katie

I set up an air mattress for them in the largest room

gave them sleeping bags

cooked dinner for them

let them all shower

and told them

"I'm going through an emotional time right now

as I'm sure you are as well

I'll be happy to let you stay for a few days

but I'm not interested in talking"

"The deal is

you leave me to my crying

and I'll leave you to figuring out a safe place for your family to go"

They stayed with us for a week, then left

I didn't hear from them for six months

then I saw Vanessa on social media

I talked to her a bit about how they were doing

Apparently when I met her parents

they were using drugs

and the homeless shelter had kicked them out

Vanessa and her siblings were now staying with her aunt

and her parents went to rehab and got divorced

Katie and Vanessa kept in touch via social media

Eight months after the time they stayed with us

Vanessa was moving near our house with her mom

I started babysitting all three kids

so Vanessa and Katie got to be best friends

They stay best friends for years to come

and I became friends with Vanessa's dad, Robin

We would pile all six of our kids into the Blazer

with Robin in the back cramped up with the beach accessories

We had the best time building life-long memories with our kids

We went to a parade on the beach

and someone from the paper took a photo of Jessamine waving the American flag

They didn't use it because Robin's little daughter, Anne

was wearing a Georgia Bulldogs hat

We're in Florida!

Robin not only had his kids rocking the Georgia gear

he also converted Katie into a die-hard Dawgs fan as well

We had some great times at the beach

We also had some road rage

I'm sorry but I am completely compelled to get out of my vehicle

any time

any where

to give bad drivers an impromptu tutorial

on proper driving etiquette and rules

I've got six kids

and a dude squished with the beach chairs in the back

and the punk in front of me wants to stunt

break short

messin' around like he's the only one on the road

No

Hell no

I almost hit him three times

I got out at the next red light

put my hands on his door

stuck my head in his car and said

"If you move this car one fucking inch

before I have a chance to go around your stupid ass

I will smash your tiny vehicle with my truck

yank you out of your car

and curb-stomp you

while we wait for the police to come write up a traffic accident report"

I went back to my Blazer

Buckled up

He did not move

I went around him

When we got back to my house

I baked chocolate chip cookies for all the kids

I really need to do something about my buried rage

~*~

I love beach days

Only one beach day stands out in my mind as a bad beach day

and I never thought there was such a thing

I've had sand in every crevice of my body

I've eaten sand that got into the beach lunch

I've been stung by jellyfish

pinched by a crab

attacked by a seagull for my potato chips

ended up with sun poisoning

lost car keys in the Gulf of Mexico

lost sunglasses in the ocean

weathered tropical storms and hurricanes at the beach

and what I thought was a fake pelican

turned out to be a real one, and tried to eat me whole

but all those beach days still got filed under

awesome beach day

Then, my son, who had been terrified of water

ever since his father forced him into a lake against his will

just started screaming and running out of the water and away

I caught up to my panicked five year old

He had red marks all around his wrist and fingers

He had been stung by a jellyfish

Hundreds of people in the damn ocean at this one little section of beach

and MY son gets stung

My Autism spectrum son

who is screaming

"I AM NEVER COMING TO THE BEACH AGAIN!!!"

Son, we live on the coast of Florida

we are going to the beach again

I didn't say that

I just thought it

while also thinking

about how many years it took me to get him to give the water another chance

We went to the beach five more times before he would go into the water

I was so happy when he finally gave the ocean another chance

He loves it now

He gets bummed when I tell him it's time to go

Kids on the Autism spectrum aren't as resilient as neuro-typical kids

so it's always a celebration when our kids over-come a trauma

or a situation that makes them uncomfortable

UN-PROGRESS REPORTS

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,

talented, fabulous?" -Marianne Williamson

I had the same trouble at this school that we had in New York

but the school is three blocks away so I made many visits

I hounded them and the school board for an IEP

I received a message from the teacher in Kaleb's day planner stating

that because the school had no budget to provide for special needs

there was therefore no point in testing him

Katie had been diagnoses with ADD in 4th grade

She also never got the help she needed in school

I continuously received progress reports and report cards

stating pretty much the same things mine had said when I was in school

Katie can't focus

Katie's work is incomplete

Katie can't finish her work in the time allotted

blah blah blah

She had gotten these same messages in every grade

and now she's in 6th grade getting the same reports

I sent a letter to the principle, each of her teachers, and the school board

"Katie has been my daughter from birth, so I am acutely aware of her lack of attention span

which is why you were provided with her multiple doctors' diagnosis of ADD

so that YOU would be aware of Katie's inability to finish her work

stay on task

focus

and so on

When your school refuse to acknowledge this diagnosis

and never accommodated Katie's disabilities

you essentially acquiesced to dealing with it on your own

Stop sending me reports of what I already know

because all you are doing with your redundant stating of the obvious

is damaging my sweet daughter's self-esteem

You wanted to ignore her needs

I'm ignoring your messages of what I already know

Do your job, teach my child

whether you choose to accept her condition or not

I don't send message to you about Katie's short-comings at home

Do not send me one more single message

regarding Katie's academic short-comings

while you staunchly refuse to provide her with the help

that she is federally afforded under the IDEA Act

You wanted my daughter to suffer through

when I informed you of her learning disabilities

Now you can suffer through and see how much fun it is to be

dismissed, denied and, disrespected

just as you dismissed, denied and, disrespected my child

Either accommodate my daughters academic needs

or refrain from complaining about it

I have no sympathy for your struggles with her

as you had no sympathy for Katie's struggles to focus and learn"

I never received another single report of Katie's short-comings in school

Katie made the soccer team, and enjoyed the rest of her middle school years

with decent grades, and with her self-esteem intact

I must confess all that rage in how I handled that situation didn't fully belong where I unleashed it

I'm sure a great amount of that was from seeing the same shitty notes with my name on it

If someone would have just looked into why I wasn't finishing my work

why I wasn't focused

maybe I could have gotten help and would have done better in school

When I found out I had Asperger's syndrome and PTSD

suddenly my whole life made sense

Everything I felt and had a hard time with in school made perfect sense

I didn't want my kids to go their whole life like I did

wonder what was wrong with me

why nobody liked me

why I was physically awkward

socially awkward

I became self-loathing and depressed because I didn't know why I was different

why life was so hard for me

I wasn't going to allow my kids to suffer that

I got them tested when they showed signs of needing help

I looked into why Katie was the way she was

I spoke up to the teachers, school counselors, even the principals

No one gave a damn

Now they give a damn, after I stood my ground

If you don't vote, don't bitch about the government

Well, honey if you don't want to acknowledge that my child has a learning disability

don't come crying to me when she has trouble learning what you're teaching

LETHAL PRINCESS

The last birthday of mine that I had celebrated, I was 23

now I'm turning 38 and I decided to celebrate my birthday

It was a huge step outside my comfort zone

I went out to eat with my family and all the parents I was babysitting for

then we went out to karaoke, which I also hadn't done in years

I'm happy I celebrated, it was like taking my life back

I'd lived for so long by what my husband or Katie's dad wanted

I had lost sight of what makes me happy

One of the parents at my birthday dinner was about two days away from having her baby

She was in a crabby mood lately

I've always had a sharp tongue and a quick wit

I said something and she retorted,

"Are you sure you're a Libra and not a Virgo, 'cause you're a fuckin' bitch"

Everyone laughed except her husband, I guess he didn't know this is how us girls talk to each other

He said, "she's not a bitch, she's a princess"

She said, "yeah a lethal princess maybe"

Everyone liked the sound of that

a nickname is born

People were often amazed that I could be so sweet, kind, friendly, charitable,...

...in the kitchen baking cookies singing the Schnuffle Bunny song to five year olds

while at the same time being that crazy girl

who punches a car that ran a red light nearly hitting her kids in the cross walk

the girl who shoves grown men through a wall, and drags bad drivers out of their car

but yet a gallon of milk is too heavy?

I could be that girly-girl, little-susie-home-maker

and then punch a guy in his face if I was so inclined

Lethal Princess was the perfect nickname for me

Like my brother says about me, I am weak and slight until someone makes me angry

I'm also the kindest person most people know

Trying too hard to please everyone

I'm part tomboy, part girly-girl

and exceptionally adroit at taking care of children and animals

My nickname "Lethal Princess" translated well to my involvement in MMA

I named my gear product line Lethal

DISABLED and LABELED

Jessamine had a great time making friends of the kids I babysat

Brad's hateful letters had finally ceased

I saved them all in case he decided to take me to court a third time

He had even written nasty things on the photos of the kids I had sent him

then sent them back to me

Child protection knocked on my door, once a week for two months

I kept telling them it was just my estranged husband being vindictive

but they had to look into each report

I know I have the right to refuse them entry to my home

and they are have no legal authority what-so-ever

so I didn't even have to speak to them

but I knew there was nothing to fear so I allowed them to do their job and go

Finally I got sick of it

and the next child protection worker who came to my home

I opened the door

before she could get past her name and agency

I handed her Brad's hate mail to me

I said,

"listen, I'm being harassed by my estranged husband

who is using your agency to harass me

You want to speak to me or see my home

you have to read these first

Don't come back until you do

and I closed the door in her face

I'm done being kind, cordial, and accommodating

She came back one month later

She handed me a large envelope

"Your letters from Mr. Brown that you provided me with are in there

Mr. Brown contacted us during the time I was reviewing them

The call was routed to me and I informed him

that he needed to take you to family court if he had custody or visitation concerns

He stated that he had done so twice and lost in court both times

I further informed him if he called us one more time we would file charges on him"

I never had another child protection knock on my door

I received a letter from the court of appeals in Virginia

I won!

Three judges over turned the verdict I was given in NY

They gave me a new court date

...in Jacksonville, NC

I live in Jacksonville, FL

Nothing with government is as easy as a phone call

After four phone calls, six transfers, and eight total hours on the phone or on hold

They told me I had to go up to NC to go to court

After a few more calls I finally got the case moved to Jacksonville, Florida

I had to wait another 8 months for a court date

During all this time I had borrowed so much money from my brother and Katie's dad

just to get by

By the time I would hopefully win

I was going to have to get every cent to them and have nothing to live on still

I paid in a vast amount of money to social security from age 15 to age 37

working three jobs at a time most of the time

Now I needed that money back and it was Hell to get it

I went to court again

I was so nervous

The judge was kind to me

not at all rude like the first judge I had been

She had my medical file that was five inches thick

and my 78 page appeal

I asked her if she had to read the whole thing

She gave me a less than thrilled look and said,

" yes, yes I had to read it all, and...(sigh) I did"

I apologized and explained that of all the lawyers in Montgomery County, NY

not one single one of them would tell me how long an appeal needs to be

She smile and shook her head

She said one single sentence would have been just fine

I again apologized, explaining that I didn't know

and I just wanted to be completely thorough

She said, "oh, you were very thorough"

I was scared

Was she mad at me that I had made it so lengthy?

Was she going to make fun of me like the last judge?

I was so nervous I started shaking my leg so I wouldn't puke or cry

She asked me a few questions

then a lawyer to my left asked me more questions

The judge was very polite and professional, unlike the previous judge

I left court wondering how it would turn out

Eight months later I received a letter from the court

I was afraid to open it

I stared at it all day

I couldn't open it

I fought so hard for so long

Injustice owns me

Life hates me

It always has

I survive not because life is kind

but because I'm an obstinate brass balls bitch who refuses to let the bullies of life win

but now I'm a scared little girl

thinking this time isn't going to be any different

I put the letter in the envelope with my copy of my appeal

I put it in my panty drawer

I called everyone I knew

just to hear some kind of words of encouragement

No one I knew considered me disabled

People think when you look just fine that you are fine

I felt worse than I did before I tried to find some support

Was I wrong to seek disability?

I'm drowning in suffering and no one can see it

I accepted their ignorance of my pain when I was growing up

but I can't be silent anymore

Brad's uncle told me disability is more of a curse than a blessing

so if I'm expecting the worst

I should open the envelope and maybe it would be granted

It made sense to me

I went and opened the envelope

I had Katie read the top line

"After reviewing your case

we have determined

that your claim of disability

has been GRANTED"

I fell to the floor and cried

and cried

and cried

I didn't even bother to call anyone to tell them

They thought it was wrong for me to even have applied for it in the first place

and when I went through each denial they all thought that meant I was just fine

Then when the NY judge denied me

well that just made me look really ridiculous for trying in their eyes

Even Brad started to doubt me and he lived with me

seeing first-hand how all these mental and physical problems debilitate me

The only saving grace of this moment

was the realization that I had succeeded at something,...eventually

I have no education

no support system

no idea what I'm doing in life

and yet I was able to win my disability case after seven years

on my own

without a lawyer

without encouragement

I took the injustice of the denials and NY judge's verdict

and told them to suck it

in more elegant and legal terminology of course

I stood up and fought for my rights

and I won

I never win

I'm a loser, everybody says so

but not today

today I am an

uneducated

tattooed

trailer park trash

single mom

who won

I had an idea of what self-esteem was like

or so I had thought

It's humiliating to need food stamps from the government

it's humiliating to be disabled and need disability

but I paid taxes and paid into disability when I was younger

all the while feeling like I was going to fall apart

or just drop and not get back up

I dared anybody to say two words to me about being on disability

Everything that is disabled about me

falls under a category known as "invisible diseases"

This means we suffer mercilessly

every minute of every day

but because no one can see our pain and illness

they will expect everything one would of a healthy, sane person

I fought to know why I spent my life weak and hurting

why I have flash backs, and see horrors that aren't really there

why I wake up feeling worse than when I went to sleep, unrested and in dire pain

why when I'm in the tub I look at my body and visualize it on a table in the morgue

why I here someone saying my name, to find there's no one there at all

why every part of my body either hurts, stings, tingles, or goes numb

why I wake up crying from a dream and spend the whole day shaking because it was too real

why I am anxious in social situations

I wanted to know why

Now I know why, and I have to explain myself ad nauseum, to people who think I look fine and healthy

People who don't suffer these invisible diseases and disorders, don't understand

Giving my damage a diagnosis, didn't much help

Sadly, Brad's uncle was correct

Being on disability is more of a curse than a blessing

both in the shift causing finances to be just as lacking as before

and in the stigma of being dependent on a government program

When I received my check for back-pay

I was upset to find out they only went back four years instead of seven

discounting my previous claims I had filed

I did what I could with what I had

I paid off most of my debts and current bills

took my kids out for dinner at Joe's Crab Shack and a day on the beach

and I was broke again

The monthly amount I receive from disability

lowered my food stamp benefits

raised my rent

and increased the amount of my medical bills I'm responsible for

I had applied several times for child support from my estranged husband

but my case never moved forward

Life is just as difficult with disability as it is without it

I thought I had won when my disability ruling was over-turned

but all I had really won was the title of "Loser"

Once someone finds out I'm on disability

they respond as if I'm really just fine

they think I'm just lazy

I'm not at all lazy

I'm broken, tired, used up, physically damaged, and emotionally destroyed

According to nine psychiatrists in five states I've had PTSD since as early as four years old

Doctors don't even know what Fibromyalgia really is, or what causes it

so they can't tell me exactly how old I was when it started

If you listen carefully to the commercials

for pharmaceuticals claiming to relieve Fibromyalgia symptoms

they say Fibromyalgia is "thought to be" blah blah blah

Thought to be...

Meaning they don't know what it is

but here's some medication for it

with a long list of side effects

Have fun with that

I tried their meds, all I got for it was tiredness

No thanks, I'm already tired

and it did not alleviate the pain or hypersensitivity

My theory is

Fibromyalgia is the result of fatigued muscles and nerves

I spent my whole childhood tensed and braced

My jaw is always clenched, and I hold onto things with all my might

Like holding the phone to my head so hard that both my hand and head hurt

Or clutching a steering wheel so tightly my fingers go numb

The way I am hypersensitive to touch

I believe stems from a combination of Asperger's syndrome

and having been constantly man-handled and beaten as a child

I learned to not liked to be touched, but having Asperger's

I think I never liked being touched lightly though firmly is ok

unless it's on one of the 20 points of tenderness I experience from Fibromyalgia

I brace myself when I think someone's about to touch me

It causes pain and tension each time I brace myself

I am so hypersensitive to pain

that I can feel another person's energy close to my own

with my eyes closed

The neighborhood kids tested me on it a few times

I'm glad I indulged them despite my discomfort in doing so

because they instantly respected my pain without in depth explanation

I wish people who tell my Fibromyalgia isn't real

or people who think I look just fine and should be able to work

could spend just an hour in my body

There would be no need for me to explain a thing at that point

MIXED EMOTIONS

When my dad died

I cried

When my grandmother died

I cried and changed my whole life

When my grandfather committed suicide over the unrelenting pain of colon cancer

I shed no tears

The love I had for him when I was a child

was based on the lies of adults

When I was old enough to know the truth of things

I had no love for him

When I heard that my cousin was dead

I was emotionally paralyzed

My cousin was one year younger than me

My mother and his mother were very close

so he was like an extra brother to me

I loved him like a brother

I was told by family

that my cousin was found

by his wife

in bed with his step-daughter on her 12th birthday

her hand around his hardened penis

He didn't want to go to prison

so he went into the garage

and shot himself to death

The pain I felt for his step-daughter

was far greater than the pain I felt for my cousin having shot himself

having been in a similar situation at that age

Believe me, if I had a gun back then

when I was fighting to escape sexual assault

I would have murdered that creep on the spot

No question, no reservations

I was stunned at the news of my cousin

Never would I ever have imagined that he could ever do such a horrible thing

but as I have learned many times

anyone is capable of anything

I already have a hard time processing emotions

now I have to figure out how I feel

about my cousin committing sexual assault and suicide in the same night

His wife sent everyone in the family a DVD on him in better times

I put mine in the bottom of my closet until I could figure out how to process this

I still haven't watched it

I still can't wrap my mind around what he did

not any of it

My cousin would go deep sea fishing and bring me fresh-caught Mahi Mahi

He was very close with one of my brothers even after we all grew up

He was a good person

With his two year old twin daughters sleeping as he ended his life

How did this happen?

I always wondered if one of my little brothers was ever sexually abused

Looking back over our history I can see tell-tale signs I didn't know to give weight to

that someone definitely should have

Our cousin was an only child who was spoiled

but with alcoholic parents

one can never know what went on behind closed doors

What happened to him to bring him to such an early and awful end

Never in a million years did I think our cousin fit the profile of a sexual predator

I feel like it would be wrong of me to miss him or mourn him

I don't know how to feel so I squash it down to a place where I don't have to deal with it

PROTECTING MY KIDS

Every dime I received from disability

was taken from other help I was receiving

My son was denied disability

not because he doesn't have disabilities

but on the sole reason that our "family allotment" maximum is $600

I was receiving $598

So Kaleb would have only received $2 a month

Is much as I worked, I wish I had worked more

I had to pay for his speech therapy

and other Autism related therapy out of my own money

which was too thin to go very far

I had to take him out of the programs because I couldn't afford it

I filed for child support for the third time but I knew that was a long-shot

I needed to deal with this on my own

When Kaleb started first grade

I fought again for an IEP so he would receive the services I couldn't afford

It took me all year to get the meeting and testing

one week before school ended he was granted an IEP

but there were absolutely no provisions in it

He didn't fit in with the neurotypical classes

He didn't fit in with the Autistic classes

so the school was unequipped to handle an Asperger's child

Kaleb was bullied all year

causing him to become depressed

Brad had started communications with me

so I allowed him to speak to the kids

Every time they spoke they hung up crying

Brad was telling them things like

"Mommy is so mean, she stole you from Daddy"

"Mommy doesn't want me to love you"

"I'm going to take you away from Mommy"

blah blah blah, brainwashing 101

They each separately asked me if they had to talk to him

"He makes me cry", they each said to me

I said, "no, you don't have to talk to him"

I changed our phone number

~*~

I went to the school to walk the kids home

my kids and the ones I watch for a couple hours after school

until their parents get out of work

When I arrived at the school

my group of kids was waiting for me

in tears

What in the...?

They bombed me with questions

and all six of them tried hugging me all at once

I almost fell down

Their questions were not in anyway age-appropriate

I asked what happened

All the teachers grades K through 2nd

apparently thought it was their place

to inform the children of the graphic nature of

the recent kidnapping, rape, and murder

of six year old Sommer Thompson

If we wanted our children to know these atrocities

we would have them watch the nightly news

That incident broke me

I had been through too much with that school

and had seen my kids through too much

at the hands of the public school system

I started home-schooling my kids the next school year

I also stopped watching children altogether

Ideas would come, of how I could make some money

to make ends meet

I would try to paint

but my body just can't handle it anymore

I thought babysitting but no one could pay

I ended up watching children for free

because I can't turn kids away

and It's nearly impossible for me to tell someone "no"

when they ask me for help

I want to help and please everyone

especially children

I would run out of food for my own kids ten days before the month ended

because I was feeding the kids I was watching

and no one was paying me

Then I met a couple at the park with four girls, one of whom was just one year old

I started watching them for $20

It wasn't much but it was something

One day their mother called me to watch them and I was crying

I told her I was fine and just go ahead and bring them

She brought the girls and sat down to talk to me

I told her I couldn't afford life

and watching all these kids all the time was too much for me

She told me to charge for babysitting

I explained how that was the plan from the beginning

but everyone of the people I babysat for says they have no money to pay me

She told me they have money for alcohol, cigarettes, gas to go out, weed, and drugs

I thought of each parent I was babysitting for free for

she was right, even she had money for all those things

I stopped babysitting altogether

I looked at all the people in my life

everyone of them needed me for something

and only contacted me when they needed me

but not one of them ever invited me

or my kids to the things they invited their other friends to

I admitted to myself that these people are not my friends

When I stopped allowing myself to be used

I found no one came around

no one called

no one missed me

I was so angry with myself for ever having done everything I did for other people

just because it took away from my kids

Any money, food, time, or effort

that I gave to someone else or their child

was less money, food, time, and effort I had to give to my own children

I once again felt like a miserable failure

I LOVE MMA and MMA LOVES ME

"Re-examine all you have been told. Dismiss what insults your soul"-Walt Whitman

Katie and I have a system for the chores

The system for the laundry?

Wash it

Dry it

Pile it up until we run out of everything

It's a fabulous system...until we run out of everything

We move our 14 loads of laundry to the living room

turn on the television and zone out while we sort, fold, and put it all away

We turned the TV on this time to discover the wonderful sport of MMA (Mixed Martial Arts)

The most amazing thing ever!

Two guys in nothing but shorts and gloves

beating the blood and sweat out of each other

...then they hug when it's over?

Seriously?

Throwing everything they have at each other

on equal ground

then showing respect?

I think I'm going to cry

Something in the world that makes sense to me finally

The first segment of it that we saw, neither of us folded any laundry

We just stood there, staring at the TV with our mouth agape

How long have I been missing out on this?

I have a lot of catching up to do

We watched it all day long

No laundry got folded that day

I sat with a pen and paper, writing down everything for 11 hours

Everything I heard

saw

thought

all the names mentioned

logos I saw

and "rear naked choke", with a question mark by the word "naked"

just in case I didn't hear that right

The next day I found every bit of information I could

on everything I had written down

Yep, they said "naked"

It means no gi, so next I looked up the word gi

ha ha,...yeah

I had no clue about anything whatsoever

and now I wanted to know everything...obsessively

I was upset that this was out there and I didn't know about it

I felt robbed

I had to know everything about it

and I had to know right now

After over-dosing on fight footage

technical information

and all things martial arts

it still wasn't enough

I sat down and cried because I honestly believed

if I could do that

I wouldn't be a victim anymore

but I knew that could never be me in there

I was desperate to find what part of MMA could be me

Maura called one night while the kids and I were watching MMA on television

She was beyond pissed that I was letting my kids watch it

scolding me that only "low-class ignorant rednecks"

are into that sort of thing

My kids love the fights

but she said I was wrong to let them watch it

it's too barbaric in her opinion

She doesn't want to discuss it

She wants me to forget about it

The first happiness I have found since I can't remember when

she wants me to forget it

won't talk to me about it

Every time we talk after that

I don't know what to say

If MMA is off limits for conversation

the more MMA becomes part of my life

the less I have to talk to her about

I had made an extra social medial page, for friends and family who didn't have one

so they could log into it and view my social media page

to see what I am up to, and photos of my kids

Her husband didn't "allow" her to have a social media page at that time

I gave her access to the page I had made for friends and family, so she could see mine

and see our photos and keep up with our life

Now that we have this rift over my love of MMA

I don't know what to say to her

I just hope she can see through my photos

and my page content

how happy I am to be involved in this sport

I searched social media for fighters

whom I had seen in the videos I searched

in an effort to learn all I could about MMA

I found Tom Lawlor's page

I had no idea who he is

I just know MMA found a place for him

and I wanted to know from him

what possibilities it could hold for me

I messaged him

He was very polite

but clearly blew me off

"I'm a busy guy", he said

I didn't know he was on a TV show that was airing at the time I wrote to him

but after he was dismissive I took a closer look at his profile

I realized he probably gets bombed with messages

just from his exposure on TV

and I figured I was lucky he took the time to write me back at all

I know I'm an intrusive person when it comes to social interaction

I don't know any other way to be

"Hi! I'm Kristen! Be my friend!"

umm, no, it didn't work when I was six, it doesn't work at 38 either

I watched an episode of the show Tom was on

then I wrote to him again

Tom gave me the number to his gym in Orlando

The Jungle MMA & Fitness

He said to call one of the other gym owners, Mike Lee

I called Mike

I explained that I want to be involved somehow

and asked for his advice

He was very nice to me

but also blew me off

I'm starting to see a pattern here

I searched out a different way to break into the sport

I started making friends online who love MMA

and who were in some way involved in it

One of the friends I had made

drove up from Cocoa Beach just to drive me down to West Palm Beach

to watch a Muay Thai fighter in training

We stopped in The Jungle MMA & Fitness in Orlando

The gym was still under construction

My friend wanted information on training there

I wanted to meet Mike and Tom

When I got back from my little trip

I called Mike again

I told him I wasn't going away

I wanted to work with fighters

He told me that he had a fight coming up in January

and maybe I could help him find sponsors

I was over-joyed at the chance to do something

anything

to do with MMA

I thanked him for the opportunity

hung up the phone

and typed into an internet search engine

"How to find sponsors for a fighter"

Yep, I had no clue at all, how sponsorships work

or how to go about sponsorship acquisition

not a damn clue

In the first month

I failed over 500 times

before I found Mike a sponsor

It was the most alive I have ever felt

I kept working on it

I tried

I failed

I tried again

and again

Mike was always saying positive things to me

and thanking me

Thanking me for what?

I hadn't done anything yet

Mike said that I had done the most important thing in sponsorship acquisition

...I hadn't given up

He said sponsorship acquisition isn't easy

and that most people give up when it gets difficult

but I refused to give up

I was weirded out by his gratitude and positive reinforcement

It wasn't gratitude for anything I'd done

It was simply for what I was attempting

He was grateful I was trying

Where in the world do you get credit for trying?

He's always so damn chipper and positive when he speaks to me

I am so confused

I was so hard on myself every time I didn't come through

or if my e-mails and calls to potential sponsors were ignored

I knew I was doing something wrong

and all the while this guy is telling me great job?

Is he mocking me? Nope.

He encourages me and tells me I'm doing great

This is not the treatment I am used to in life

"Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself.

We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more

than we think we are worth."-Iyanla Vanzant

KNOW the WORDS

While helping Mike, I started helping a Muay Thai/MMA fighter

Chris Clodfelter out of North Carolina

I worked with Robert Reiter on an article about Chris for Muay Thaimes Magazine

Chris did the same thing Mike Lee had done

He continuously told me "great job", and "thank you so much"

He goes on and on about how "awesome" I am

Who are these people and where have they been all my life!?

I hadn't accomplished anything worth noting

and yet they acted as though it was everything

because I was relentless in my pursuits

They made me feel good about myself

I have never in my life felt good about myself

This was all too emotional for me

in a good way

I obtained a manager's license

I found some pro fighters to work for

finding them fights and sponsors

I didn't take a commission

because I didn't feel qualified to

I've never felt comfortable charging people because I like to help

I like to do nice things for people

I like to be useful

Being useful is the closest thing a girl like me has to having friends

These friends had a way of making me feel positive

hopeful

wanted

respected

appreciated

all the things I have never experienced in my life

I desperately wanted Maura to see fighters the way I do

but she had stopped speaking to me

Elvis told me she "found out" about my involvement in MMA

I was puzzled at that because I am the one who gave her

the access to what I was into

She was my best-friend through the most horrific chapters of my life

I didn't want her missing my life when I was finally happy

So, I started making a documentary

about the real life of fighters

The part people don't see

The part that will show people

show Maura

these aren't "low class barbaric ignorant rednecks"

They are athletes

some of whom have college degrees

or hold jobs she and most of society respect such as firefighters, teachers, soldiers

They are athletes with a heart of gold and I envy them

I crave their positivity, drive, and ambition

All foreign things to me

MMA changed me to my core

I wanted her to see that

When the filming of the documentary got under-way

I designed a logo

Fernando "The Solid One" Rivera was one of the fighters featured in my documentary

Before we went to Boston to film him

he very kindly donated some tee shirts I had designed for the cast and crew

They all really liked it

The fighters I had met so far who weren't in the film wanted one

and the ones who were in the film wanted shorts

then gloves

then hats and beanies

to go along with the tees

I accidentally got into something I had no intention of getting into

the over-saturated fight gear world

Being a giving type of person

I actually ended up giving away more than I sold

I didn't even break even

I was babysitting three kids six nights a week at this time

so their mother stayed with my kids for two days

so I could make the trip to Boston to film Fernando

Filming went well and Fernando made a great subject

He had a harsh and gritty, sketchy history

Transformed into an honorable person whom people could look up to

a teacher who children and adults respected

with his own Kempo Karate dojo

He was also a type of fighter I hadn't seen in anyone else

While other fighters are stringently concerned with

the win column of their fight record

Fernando was grateful to fight at all

and would go from one fight to the next without any loss of enthusiasm

despite the outcome of each fight

He wasn't the cocky, "I'll fight anyone anywhere, anytime" type

He was just happy to fight

That joy was not in anyway contingent on his win/loss record

I found that attitude refreshing and notable

We filmed Fernando's fight

The next day I went with him and his wife to sell gear at another MMA event

Free MMA magazines were being handed out so I took one

Tom Lawlor was on the cover in his Easter egg fight shorts

It was stressful for me to be far from home

It may seem silly but when I saw Tom on the cover of a magazine in Boston

I didn't feel so far from home

I felt bad to be in New England with snow on the ground

while my kids are in Florida pining for snow

After the fights were over and people started to leave

I noticed a crowd developing around someone

I went to see who was so interesting to these fight fans

They were mobbed around a UFC fighter on his crutches after knee surgery

He asked for a pen so I gave him my sharpie I had on me

He handed his crutches to one of the two guys with him

I stepped back, sat up on an empty table, and just watched

I'd never seen anything like that in real life

I'm sure it wasn't all that comfortable for him to be standing after surgery

but he indulged his fans, with a smile,

He was super nice to everyone who wanted his autograph

I thought about how happy the fans were to catch up with a fighter they so obviously admire

Fans were asking him about his knee, and he answered all of them

They genuinely cared how this fighter was doing

and he genuinely cared about making his fans happy

This may seem simple, or boring, but I found it to be amazing

I don't look at social things like other people do, so it probably was only amazing to me

When I arrived back home

I contacted the director to set up the next shoot with the next fighter

He demanded more money, which obviously I didn't have

and no one else in this entire project was receiving a single cent

so I scrapped the project until I could find a more reputable director

In the mean time, I met other fighters and started helping them find fights and sponsors

still not charging a commission, just happy to be part of what these guys and girls are doing

"Chase down your passion like it's the last bus of the night." Terri Guillemets

I went to see Seth fight in Tampa

A friend went with me

Seth won his fight of course, then threw his mouth guard into the crowd

He just pummeled his opponent into oblivion

yet he still had enough power to nail me right in the gut with his mouth guard

far up in the stands

I am so sensitive, especially in my belly, so it hurt pretty badly

While I was grasping my belly, wincing in pain, my friend had taken a dive over two rows

just to get Seth's hot pink mouth guard with his name "Silverback" on it

It was funny, her feet up in the air with her big behind in the air

bent over some poor dude she had crushed to get the mouth guard that was by his feet

That alone was worth the price of admission

So was meeting Jamie Levine but we'll get back to that

I was planning to meet up with a fighter I was told needed a manager

I didn't get to meet him because he went to the hospital after his fight to get his cut checked out

but I was very happy I got to see him fight live

Mark, the fighter I was hoping to meet after the event, is 5'10, his opponent was 6'7

It looked like a pretty odd match up

but when Mark knocked his opponent out cold

the whole arena jumped to their feet in a thunderous roar

It was a beautiful knockout

Mark was cut so the doctor looked at him

Mark told me that they gave him to the end of the round

to end the fight on his terms

or they were going to call a stoppage due to injury

He ended it alright

with swift and forceful determination not to have his fight called due to a little blood

I didn't know at the time

How Mark had over-come back to back loss and family tragedies

He took the fight on short notice

and stepped on a few toes by taking the fight

Fighters fight

It's what they do

Fighting takes total focus

I find it unimaginable to take a last minute fight with such a heavy heart

add to that the drama of offending some of his teammates

He had to be stressed

Yet still he won

Via knock-out no less

It was an impressive physical display of emotional purging

The positive energy in the arena was over-whelming

How could anyone misunderstand this sport?

I think it's beautiful

Like a song written in blood, sweat, and heart

~*~

When I help a fighter in some way

I like to try to go to the fight

despite not having any money or even a vehicle

Sometimes a fighter will ask me to come to their fight to help with something

One of the fights that I went to in Orlando

I was asked by the fighter to help his friends hand out free shirts

to everyone who bought a ticket to his fight

I love when people ask for my help

Being useful is the closest to being wanted as I get

So, without even thinking about how socially awkward and uncomfortable I would be

I agreed to help

I love to be helpful

I like to make people happy

Not only did the fighter's friends not know that I was coming to help

they didn't need or want my help

Unfortunately for me, I don't pick up on these cues until it's too late

I bought tickets for my girls and my friend back in Jacksonville

but at the last minute they couldn't go

I used their tickets to get them their free tees like they had asked me to

since tickets are non-refundable, and they really wanted a fight tee

After the fights were over and I arrived back home

I got several angry texts from the fighter

claiming that I had offended his friends

I felt sick

This always happens to me

I rub people the wrong way

I don't mean to

When I do find someone who can stand me

their friends usually can't

I just don't fit in

I never have fit in

Asperger's syndrome isn't something kids out-grow

we become adults with Asperger's syndrome

and it is just as awkward

with just as many pitfalls as it hold for kids with Asperger's

The fighter never even talked to me about it

which is how it always goes for me

People hear one side of things, and it's never my side

I've been through it a million times

I cried my eyes out

That fighter and I didn't talk for six months

I didn't blame him or his friends

I shouldn't have put myself out there

We started talking again when he had another fight and needed sponsors

I'm resilient like that

My need to help people over-rides all other feelings

I knew what had happened with his friends was completely my fault

When I first meet someone, or first start talking to them, I put all my faults out there from the start

so they can make an informed decision

if they still want to proceed in dealing with me or even knowing me

I told the fighter all my faults when I first met him

but I never got the chance to do that with his friends

They didn't even know I was going to be there to help

so it's not like he got the chance to give them a heads up on the

crazy, socially awkward, weird girl

They had no warning that I was strangely different

I was just there, socially inept and out of my comfort zone again

I wish it could have gone differently

I should have told the fighter, that while I'd love to help

I'm going to make an ass of myself and your friends will hate me for it

so I should probably sit this one out

I didn't do that, and I spent days crying about how much I suck at being normal

~*~

A few months later I felt better

and went to an MMA event in Tampa

I had no car at that time

so I hitched a ride down with my brother headed down to Tampa to see his kids

and hitched a ride back with a couple of kind, and hilarious, Florida boxing commission guys

When I arrived in Tampa, I stayed with Astrid Bidanec

As with most of my more amazing friends, I met Astrid via social media

(a useful social tool for the socially awkward, like me)

Astrid is a very positive person

who had over-come quite a bit of adversity in her life

I viewed her as a strong role model

a positive influence on me

I felt so comforted when I met her son who is also on the Autism spectrum

Astrid informed me that he was non-verbal until age five

but that "God had healed her son"

He sat beside me telling me about his interests

I would have never known he spent half his life to that point

not being able to speak

It seems so many kids these days are either

rude

hyper-active

disrespectful

or all of the above

Astrid's handsome son was different

He reminded me of my son who was close in age to her him

I wished that we lived closer to Astrid and her son

Astrid took me everywhere she went for the two days I was staying with her in Tampa

which included a birthday party

at a Moroccan restaurant

complete with fabulous belly dancers

I can't think of anything more socially awkward

for someone with Asperger's syndrome and anxiety disorder

than crashing a party

but her friends welcomed me with open arms

and were very kind

I was under-dressed, unprepared, and I didn't know anyone but Astrid

whom I had just met earlier that day

I was a panic attack waiting to happen

The birthday girl was Caroline Portugal

She was amazing

Caroline is a happy

lively

venerated

positive

gorgeous

self-defense instructor

I liked her right away

I wanted to be more like her

and less like me

Caroline's friends were friendly to me

engaging me in conversations

I did my best to hide my crazy

talk less

smile more

sit up straight

When I left there with Astrid

I felt so different

like I need more of these type of people in my life

Astrid worked at the fights as a sports and fitness journalist

Some people are so positive

confident

secure in who they are

that I automatically feel comfortable around them

Their presence settles my anxiety

Astrid is one of those few people

We went to the weigh ins

then the fights the next night

I had fun

was happy that I made the trip

despite not having a car

I went down there with no idea how I was getting home

I do reckless things like that

primarily to avoid the excuses of missing out on what makes me happy

going to see fights

when I personally know the guys fighting

makes me happy

I met Jamie Levine at the event I saw both Seth and Mark fight at

(when Seth assaulted me with his saliva-coated mouth guard)

Jamie is the matchmaker for WEF, a different promotion than where I met him

After going to a few of his events

I asked him what the requirements are

for someone to be able to sing the National Anthem before the fights

He texted back, "know the words"

I responded, "that's it?"

"That's it", he wrote back to me

While I was sitting there wondering if I could muster the guts to do such a thing

I received another text from Jamie

It was the date of his next event, saying I could sing the anthem

Wait...what?

I wasn't even sure I could

I've wanted to sing the anthem before a fight, ever since I went to my first fight in 2008

and yes, now I know the words, of course

but I'm over 40, not pretty, and not even sure I sound good singing the anthem

When I asked Jamie what the qualifications were, I was sure whatever they were

I certainly wouldn't meet the criteria

Don't you have to be young, pretty, and sound good

Hell no, you can be anyone as long as you know the words

and now, I was given the opportunity to do this

and I wasn't sure I could

I mean, could I even get to Orlando?

Do they play music or is it acapella?

How will I know when to start?

Then it hit me....these events are televised!

Oh that just opens a whole new door of doubt

I was a total obsessed wreck trying to figure out what just happened here

Jamie didn't even ask to hear me sing it just to make sure I knew the words

or didn't sound like a water buffalo raping a chicken

He just said go for it

Well if he had faith in me like that, it would be wrong of me to let him down

I had to do what I needed to in order to have faith in myself

I get easily overwhelmed with sensory over-load or social anxiety

so I needed an ally, someone who could steady me through the storm in my mind

I called Seth's gorgeous girlfriend, Dominique

She's a model I met at The Jungle MMA belt promotions and open house

Dominique was going to be at Jamie's event to support The Jungle MMA fighters

and get the ring girls organized

I asked her if she would stand in as my OT (occupational therapist)

I explained to her that she would need to basically treat me like a child

explaining to me what's expected of me, where I stand, which way to face, when to start and so on

She graciously agreed to do this for me

She also asked the girl who did her make-up, and that of the ring girls, to do my make up as well

Dominique walked me through everything before fans starting to come into the arena

I was still a panic attack waiting to happen

What was I thinking getting myself into something this public?

The arena filled up, I started to breathe funny

I took Dominique into the shower area of the locker room and sang the anthem to her

Her ears didn't bleed and she said I sounded fine, so I took a deep breath and got ready

I had to take my shoes off before I went into the cage

I couldn't reach my feet because my back hurt

I didn't have time to go sit down somewhere to take them off

Tom Lawlor was standing right next to me

I asked him if he would please undo my shoes so I could take them off

I swear I thought he would look at me like, "Are you nuts?"

but he didn't, did I mention what a nice guy he is?

He undid my shoes, I slid them off, and started down the catwalk

This is when I do my out of body thing

I just go hide somewhere inside myself until it's all over

I was so nervous standing out there, waiting to sing

I stood and faced where Dominique had told me to

There's no going back

There's only sink or swim

I sang the anthem, no one threw tomatoes or booed me

I have no idea if I did a good job of it

but I did get all the words right and that is all that was required of me

I'm out of here, remind me never to do that again, please

oh, wait,...I did it three more times for Jamie and two other promotions

The second time I sang it to Seth instead of Dominique

If they ever get married, and don't ask me to sing at their wedding

I will know I suck at singing the anthem but no one wants to tell me

People sing the anthem every weekend all over this country at all sorts of sporting events

and some of them are kids

It may seem like no big deal, but it was a very big deal to me

Jamie gave me a chance to do something I wanted to do but was to chicken shit to take the initiative

Dominique made sure I didn't do something wrong and mess up my one chance

and Tom made sure I didn't fall on my ass trying to take off my shoes

It may seem like no big deal, but it was the world to me what these three people did

so that I could have this event go down in my memory as a win for over-coming disabilities

I'LL NEVER KNOW if I DON'T TRY

"Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do.

Attitude determines how well you do it."-Raymond Chandler

I love to meet new people

I never know what knowing them will lead to

Wade Williams is a sports journalist I met while finding sponsors for fighters

I noticed he was trying to be both the photographer and the writer

I felt he would come up short on one or the other

by trying to do both

so I offered to shoot the fights for him

while he wrote the play-by-play

This worked for me because not only am I being helpful

but I get closer to the cage

and I get more involve in MMA the more tasks I can manage

This made me very happy

Wade and I would meet at the fights

Once I showed up to a fight

and Wade didn't

I was worried

I received a text minutes from fight-time saying his car broke down

You have got to be kidding me!

"You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down."-Ray Bradbury.

Decision time

Let it go and just watch the fights from the stands

or pick up the slack by doing both tasks

I had never written a play-by play before

I've watched hundreds of hours of fight footage

so I knew the holds

moves

terminology

fighters names

I could do this

I sat down cage-side by myself

set up my laptop

got out the camera

and thought

"umm, what do you think you're doing?"

"I'm pretending to be awesome, leave me alone."

Yes, I talk to myself

Trust that's not the most insane thing that I do

I'm going to do this

The worst that could happen

is that I will suck at writing the play by play

but I will at least have some great

up-close

fight photographs

Know one will even know what I tried to do

so if I fail

no worries

No one will know but me

Half-way through the fourth fight

Jamie Levine passed by me

He backed up

I thought, "oh crap!"

He asked me what I was doing

"Posing?" ha ha

No, I didn't say that, I just thought it

I told him that Wade's car broke down and I was covering for him

I about fell out of my damn chair when he asked me to send a copy to him for his website

You want me to what?

Oh my word, I am so busted

I have no idea what I am doing

I never ever tell people that I don't know what I am doing

I just do it

If I succeed

they never know I doubted myself

If I fail

I hide in shame

I hadn't had any pressure on me writing the play by plays until Jamie called me out

Now I was sweating

my heart was racing

and I wasn't sure if I should puke

run away before he came back by

or keep going

I kept going

After the fights I called Wade to tell him what had happened

I was completely freaked out and worried Jamie would read my play by play of the fights

and ask me if I was stupid or something

Wade said he would look it over before I sent it to Jamie

I sent them both the photos

and sent Wade the write up

He told me that I did an amazing job

nothing needed correcting

My face got warm and flush

My eyes teared up

I did something right

It was a wonderful feeling

I love MMA

The more involved I can be the happier I am

especially when I do something right or make someone happy by helping them

One of the fighters I worked for was interested in being in commercials and film

I came across a casting call in Tampa for a movie called Caged Dreams

I called the casting director, Elisa Goad

She was friendly and professional

I sent her the information she requested for the fighter

and gave him the date and time of the casting call

I received a call from her regarding the casting call

we started talking about my involvement in MMA

I told her about my gear and documentary

She asked me if I wanted to donate some gear to the film

and bring some down during filming to sell to the fighters on set

I try my best not to let endless excuses of why I can't do something

get in the way of chance opportunities

I agreed and she said I could be an extra in the corner of one of the fighters

I'm very self-conscious of how I look

but yet I always wanted to be in front of a camera

I like to sing for an audience

I like to be photographed and filmed

but I am not photogenic in the slightest

and I hate how I look

so my excitement over exposure turns to disgust when I see the end product

I decide to ignore the negative thoughts and go for it

I can't let fear and insecurities control me

I wore a tee shirt from The Jungle MMA, a cute short skirt, and red platform heels

which I had never worn before

Upon arriving on set I promptly fell and busted my knee

Yep, I am still me, scabbed knees and all

Good to know some things never change

It was so awkward for me to be around all these people

I didn't have the first clue how things work on a movie set

I have facial recognition problems

and vision problems

so trying to find the people I needed to, in a swarm of people was difficult

I found Elisa, and handed out gloves, shorts, and tees

I didn't actually sell anything

but it was worth the sacrifice to me

just to be a part of something I had every excuse in the world to avoid

I also learned I never want to be in movies

and I had developed a new found respect for actors

especially action movies

It is grueling work

They shoot the same scenes over several times

whether they achieved the perfect shot the first time or not

They shoot it a few more times from other angles

and it doesn't matter how slight your part is

you still stand there for hours

repeating the same words and actions

exactly the same over and over

even the extras

but the truly grueling part

is the hurry up and wait factor

You need to be where you need to be when you're supposed to be there

but the whole process takes time with so many moving parts

There is more waiting time in between shots than the time spent shooting the scene

I felt so blessed to get this behind the scenes view

and to feel what it's like

I never want to do it again

because the anxiety was eating me alive

the physical demands on my aching body

already weakened and in pain proved to be to much for me

and I didn't even have a real role

I was getting to understand the people who make movies

and it was just as exhilarating and endearing as getting to know

the people who put on fights

and the people who fight

I was getting out and digging deep into the things that fascinated me

even though I had several medical excuses to heavily medicate and sleep all day

I put this down as a success

Not because I sold anything, since I hadn't

It wasn't a success because I'm in a movie

because truly if you blink you'll miss me

I put this down as a success

because I had a million reasons why I couldn't

why I shouldn't

but I did

That goes in the "over-coming shit" win column as far as I'm concerned

" _Life comes at us in waves. We can't predict or control those waves, but we can learn to surf."-Dan Millman_

Elisa contacted me a few weeks later

I had told her about my documentary about fighters

so she was calling to ask me about working with her to finish it

Elisa turned out to be super sweet

We went on vacation with her and her family a couple of times

She was excited about the project

I was thrilled to have it back on track

After being friends with Jesse

I could see how easily a project can fall away

Elisa started by filming Seth Petruzelli, Mike Lee,and Clayton McKinney

all fighters from The Jungle MMA in Orlando

I was happy Elisa lived in Orlando

It made it easier for her to film the fighters

I don't live in Orlando

so it became difficult to schedule other fighters for filming

so once again

my project died

MMA and SUSHI in VEGAS

When I began to run low on MMA gear

I was going to give it to a gym and be done with it

I gave boxes of children's gloves to several different gyms

and I gave shorts and tees to anyone I saw fight

I went down tot he Jungle MMA & Fitness in Orlando

to give away gloves, tees, beanies, and fight shorts

It was fun to give, it made me happy

I hope it made the recipients just as happy

So, I thought I was done with the gear business, if you could call it a business

I gave away more than I sold

Still I was relieved to be done with it

Then I received an e-mail regarding the UFC 100 Fan Expo

"Opportunity dances with those who are already on the dance floor."-Jackson Brown

Once again I was faced with a chance opportunity

I feel compelled to jump in

rather than sit them out

comforted only by excuses and regrets

So, I ordered a second shipment and reserved a booth

It was not cheap

I sold pretty much everything I owned

including my bed

to be able to buy the gear

and make the trip

Fight! magazine gave me an incredible deal on an ad

at the same time as my trip to Vegas for the expo

A couple of weeks before I was supposed to go

I was scammed out of $1,200

It was an embarrassing issue because I felt I should have known better

I know I have something wrong with my brain

so I asked several adults for advice before I acted

They all said it was safe

I even asked the bank cashier if the check was valid

She said that it was

I asked if she was sure

She said it was definitely valid

It was not

It was a huge set back

I was now in the red

and I felt this was the end

One more failure

I told so many people I was going

and now I couldn't go

I had two choices

accept defeat and crawl into a pile of blankets where my bed had been

with the lights off and the shades drawn

sobbing uncontrollably about my failed life

or I could figure out how to see this through

just to not be a failure

I sold my vehicle

and I went to the UFC 100 Fan Expo in Las Vegas

The emotional impact of what I was doing was so over-whelming

Part of me wants to live a small life

going unnoticed

quiet

uncomplicated

but the other side of me wants to go bold and get somewhere in life

Where exactly I have no idea

but somewhere beyond my impoverished little life

I want to feel like my life hasn't been a complete waste

I did something bold

beyond my means

in spite of my disabilities

fully raging with anxiety I chose to ignore

I went to Vegas

by myself

I stayed in the same hotel as the fights

which was a very big deal for me

I wasn't going to do this halfway

I was going to be everything I could be

no matter the cost or loss

no matter the physical or mental discomfort

I pushed past every reason not to go

and went

It was a great attitude to have

since I did not even cover my costs

Many things went not so well

yet I logged it as a victory

I could have made a million excuses not to go

but I went

because I wanted to

It didn't matter what befell me

I over-came everything against me

successfully

So what went wrong?

First of all, my gear shipment was a month late

so now I had to have it delivered to the hotel convention center instead of my home

What if it didn't arrive?

I'd have spent all this money for hotel, airfare, the lofty expo expenses

What if it arrived after I left Vegas?

I'd have no money to get it from the hotel in Vegas

to my home in Jacksonville, FL

My anxiety level was triple it's usually nerve-wracking level

Then I was worried about the same delivery issues with

gear coming from Slade at Tussle Fight Gear

a WMMA fight gear company on the other side of the country

He had given me $400 towards my booth fees

I only had four products to sell

Slade made products I didn't yet carry such as rash guards

and MMA gear for women

So I wanted more to offer

and he wanted a presence at the expo

My gear arrived

It was the full order

Only half of which I wanted to take with me to the expo

so, I knew I'd be taking at least half of it home with me

The expo was three days

The gear Slade had sent me never arrived

or so I was told

I'm not sure I ever did get a straight answer

but the Tussle gear never made it to my booth

It had to be sent back to him when the hotel "found it"

Now I owe Slade $400

The expo was a mad house

I had the smallest booth they offer

Tables, chairs, mandatory carpet, and any fixtures

would cost extra

but somehow I lucked out and got all of the above for no cost

thanks to some very kind people working the expo

On the way from my room to the expo

I saw Tom Lawlor in the hall

He was fighting on the UFC 100 undercard

I was working the expo during the undercard fights

so I was happy Tom's speedy first-round win turned out to be impressive enough

to be highlighted during the airing of the main card

the same card Brock Lesnar gave such an eloquent shout out to Bud Light,...historic!

Once again, here I am far from home

and there's Mr. Lawlor to make me feel not so far from home after all

I had arranged for two pro fighters to sign autographs at my booth

One of the fighters I had lined up never showed

The booths that had a pro fighter signing autographs

had lines so long it blocked access to the booths

potential customers were funneling down the center of the cramped isles

between the lines for autographs on either side of the isle

Seth Petruzelli graciously showed for 2 hours as promised

to sign autographs wearing my Lethal gear

It was so very kind of him, and I didn't know how to respond to this act of generosity

I hadn't known him very long

just a few months

and barely knew him at that

yet he did this favor for me

without expectation of compensation

I'm not used to people doing something for nothing

I'm not used to such kindness

When Seth left my booth

I still had autograph seeking lines blocking access to my booth

as those lines extended past the booth of the signing fighters

into standing in front of surrounding booths

blocking access to potential customers

It was upsetting and disappointing

but I wasn't going to let that get me down

I stood up on a chair

holding up my gear

waving magazines

making sure passers by could hear the magazines were free

I gave away free Muay Thaimes magazines

that were generously donated

by the publisher of the Muay Thai magazine, Robert S. Reiter

Fight! magazine was also at the expo giving away free magazines

They didn't have the issue my ad was in

which was unfortunate

but I still offered to hand out several hundred of the issues they did have

from my booth

on the other side of the expo to help reach people who might not pass their booth

It also helped me

The 2 free magazines got attention of people squeezing through the crowd

by-passing my booth due to autograph lines

I also had a raffle contest

raffling off Wall Fighters (giant life size stickers of fighters to put on the wall)

I had a Diego Sanchez Wall Fighter

which was won by the super-sweet girl who brought my luggage up to my room

I also had a Urijah Faber Wall Fighter

which was won by a girl who's husband bought some shorts and gloves

The Wall Fighters were generously donated by a social media friend

I never cared for autographs or had a need to meet celebrities

but a very kind security guard has seen me going around in the mornings

before the expo opened

giving away free tee shirts to each person who had a non-clothing booth

and free magazines to the clothing booths

He asked me how I was doing with sales at the expo

We talked a bit

Upon discovery that I was running my booth alone

he told me if I needed to leave my booth to use the restroom or get water

to flag down a security guy and ask them to get him

He would watch my booth so I could leave it

I had plenty of water

and with the drastic change in climate from the humid tropical setting I was used to

it would seem my body was keeping every drop of water I was putting into it

so there would be no cause to leave my booth

I thanked him as it was sweet of him to offer such a thing

On the last day of the expo, he stopped at my booth

He asked me if I had gotten to meet any fighters

I said just the fighters signing autographs at the booths across from me

and a fighter I met in the elevator

He found a gaurd to sit at my booth

He took me around the entire room as quickly as possible

One by one taking me right to the front of the line

I was able to get autographed UFC fighter photos for my kids

and one UFC ring girl autographed photo

He took photos of me with some of the fighters

It was crazy awesome

All my life I have been over-looked and discarded

I am a total nobody

A loser

new and oh so green to this sport

and here I am

bumping lines as long as 2 hours or more in wait time

to get autographs that mattered way more to the people in line than they did to me

It was an chance opportunity I couldn't pass up though

My kids would love to hear such an impressive story

and they would love the autographs I had made out in their names

I do love my photo with Wanderlei Silva though

I didn't realize it at the time

but every time I saw these guys fight after having met them

I enjoyed watching them fight ten times more than I did before I met them

Now I wanted to meet more fighters

It was more fun watching them fight

more exhilarating watching them win

and more compassionate seeing them take a loss

once I had met them in person

It was amazing the drastic difference in emotion

watching a fighter whose hand I had shook or snapped a photo with

I didn't expect that reaction at all

While Seth was signing at my booth

UFC fighter Matt "The Immortal" Brown passed my booth and stopped to say hi to Seth

I whispered to Seth inquiring who that was

because I saw people asking him for an autograph

as he was trying to navigate his way through the crowds

I'm still brand new to this sport and hadn't caught up on everyone

Little did I know at the time

that wasn't why I didn't recognize Matt

When I had found out I had Asperger's syndrome

I researched it to the end of the Earth trying to make sense of the hot mess that is me

One of the symptoms I had explored is my difficulty in recognizing people

It turns out to be Autism Related Facial Recognition Deficit

If Matt had held me up at gun point after the expo

I recognize people by markers such as posture, tattoos, glasses, etc

because I can't recognize them otherwise

unless I know them for a long period of time

or if they have a very distinctive facial feature

that can't be mistaken

It causes a lot of anxiety for me

I have poor vision too, and I stopped wearing vision aids in 1998

so trying to tell if I know someone from more than a few feet away is impossible

Matt Brown shook my hand and I told him I was glad to meet him

because having the same last name as him

has gotten me several messages on social media asking if I'm related

to Matt Brown or Mike Brown

He laughed, said it was nice to meet me, and went on his way

The tee shirts I had with me

had my awesome Lethal logo across the top of the back

and a large ground-&-pound scene outline on the front

There was a grappling tournament going on at the expo

I put word out that I was giving free tee shirts to adult winners

and free gloves to children who won

That was a lot of fun to give something

to these hard working winners of their craft

and to see them smile

Each of them looked so puzzled

yet happy to get something free

from someone they didn't even know

just for winning their event

The very kind girl who had brought my luggage up to my room

and won the Diego Sanchez Wall Fighter in my raffle

took me out for sushi on my last night in Vegas

It was wonderful and awful at the same time

We talked, laughed, had a great time

but we ordered way too much food to share

I was tired from standing on my feet for long hours three days in a row

Fibromyalgia is not kind

nor is there mercy in chronic back pain

when I push my body beyond what it's willing to give

My body had also not yet adjusted to the time zone difference

I was dehydrated

exhausted

anxious being away from my kids

and emotionally charged

for being so involved to this point just 6 months after finding out MMA existed

I had a splitting headache

my stomach felt like it was going to burst open in a most violent way

I could barely keep my eyes open

I was looking at one last piece of sushi

like there was no way I could let it go to waste

I swear I almost died

Ok, so not really, but holy crap it felt like it

I hadn't put much food in my body in days

What was I thinking eating that much at once

feeling so crappy to begin with

I hadn't even cover costs of my trip

nor could I afford the last night in the hotel

I stayed the last night with my great uncle and his lovely wife

I hadn't seen him since I was a teenager

so it was nice to visit him

I couldn't stuff all the gear I had left into my suit cases

so I went around the arena giving free tee shirts

to all the people as they were closing up their booths

and all the maintenance people who worked for the hotel that had worked the expo

GETTING to KNOW FIGHTERS

When I arrived back home

I spoke to Matt Brown on the phone for a couple of hours

It was the greatest insight to what fighters are like in real life, outside of the cage

or even before their exposure to martial arts

Listening to Matt tell me about his life prior to fighting

and what amazing things MMA has done for his life

just made me more intent on being involved in this sport

I saw it as something that would have made a huge difference in my life

had I had the opportunity to learn any martial arts as a child

Listening to Matt bear out the grit of his life

noting how it all turned around for him with the introduction of martial arts

It made me even more appreciative to be a part of MMA

in whatever capacity I could be

Matt is a humble, kind, decent person

who has the kind of past

that has ended up men of weaker measure in the prison system if they don't get right

Matt found MMA and got right

I admire people like that

Lots of people have hard-luck pasts

We can use it as an excuse to fail

or a reason to succeed

I'm not a fan of excuses

I am a fan of people who use their past as fuel to push their future onward and upward

and use their pain as their strengths

I instantly knew Matt was that kind of guy

He wanted a logo made up for his own clothing line

something with an ankh, so I made a logo for him

We never ended up doing anything with it...yet

Matt's dad fell seriously ill, seeking the services of a hospice in Ohio

Matt had a fundraiser in Ohio to help pay for his dad's medical care

I suggested Matt start an online fundraiser and helped him set it up

I made the first donation, and helped him get the word out

The online campaign was going well

He was able to raise thousands of dollars to help pay for the hospice care

Sadly, Matt's dad passed away very soon after these fundraising efforts went into effect

About a week or two later, I received an e-mail from PayPal

My donation had been returned

I called Matt to find out why

He informed me that the money was to help with his dad's care at the hospice

not for paying his dad's health care bills

When his father passed away, there was no need for hospice care obviously

so he gave all the money back to everyone who had donated online

I was stunned

Who does that?

That's the kind of person Matt Brown is

and I was humbled by his character

I would not have been bent out of shape

if had used my donation for his father's medical bills

but he felt it would be wrong to use the funds

for anything other than the hospice

Two years go by before our next conversation

A CHILD'S FATE

One of my daughter's friends has been in and out of foster care

due to her mother's drug use

Amber asked me if her mother lost custody of her

would I adopt her

I said yes

One day child protection came to my home

Amber's mother had sent them

Amber, her mother, and child protection

all wanted to know if I would take her in

either temporarily or permanently

I again agreed

I went through the whole process to first foster her before I could adopt her

but I was stopped by her case worker

She didn't like me

She thought I was too odd

Well, I am odd

My kids seem damn happy about it

Amber and her mother, and even child protection all thought it would be a good idea

I could have saved her from a doomed life

Amber came to my house the day her mother had court

We were waiting for a phone call from Amber's caseworker

The call came

I saw the fear in her eyes

She knew answering the phone wasn't going to give her the answer she wanted

I hoped we would all be surprised

Amber answered the call and instantly started to cry

She hung up

I knew

I said, "I'm so sorry baby girl."

I held Amber in my arms as she cried

begging me for answers

She wanted to know why her mother didn't love her enough to stay off of drugs

A couple of years later Amber's mother died in a car accident

I thought this was my chance to get Amber out of foster care

and give her a stable, loving home

as Amber and her mother both told me Amber's father was dead

He wasn't dead

He had been in prison

and now he was out

Amber moved in with him

A couple of years later he willingly gave up custody of her to the state

She's 16 now, still in foster care

only now she smokes, drinks, swears, and lost her virginity

So glad that case worker knew what she was doing

when she said I was too weird to raise Amber

I have Asperger's syndrome

I'm supposed to be weird

That's part of what makes me such a good mother

I can relate to children and teens on their level

I could have saved Amber a lot of life's trauma and drama

She had seen more drug use and parental neglect by the age of three

than most people see in their life

I love you Amber

I am sorry the forces of the universe were against us being family

ASTRID'S SECRET

I fell into a deep depression

Depression feeds my pain level

Pail feeds my depression

I end up in bed on pain meds

shades drawn

puke bucket bed-side

crying

A few weeks into this episode of perpetual doom

I received a text from Astrid

inquiring as to how I was doing

because she hadn't heard from me in awhile

I told her how I was doing and it wasn't well

Two days later, Katie brought me a package

It was a book called, "The Secret", that Astrid had sent me

I was curious as to why she sent me that book

I hate to read

but she must have sent it to me for a good reason

By page six of the book, I was out of bed

opened the blinds for the first time in weeks, maybe months

I put on some music

and was cleaning the house

I sat down to finish the book

I have never spend another day of my life in that kind of depression

Astrid pulled me out of the depths or despair

I feel like I owe her my life

My friend Amy in Boston send me the DVD that goes with it

along with some bath and beauty products to spoil myself

which is just something I don't do

but I gave it a go

It was nice to have friends that care so deeply about my mental health

It makes me care about my mental health

I started buying produce from farmer's markets only

I bought a juicer

I stopped eating processed foods

started eating right

like my dad and Maura tried for decades to get me to do

and I started going to physical therapy for my pain

I never ever put this much concern or care into my own personal care

I don't know how long I can stay on track

but I owe it to my kids to give it my best shot

to get healthy and stay happy

OWNING FEARS and FLYING BLIND

Walking a few blocks with six to eight elementary kids everyday

you can be sure I have a few safety rules

One rule is not breaking from the group

Every time Kaleb spots a dog on the loose

he loses his mind, taking off running, screaming, and crying

in a full-blown panic

When I first noticed that he was terrified of dogs

I questioned him as to why

He revealed that he was with his dad at his friend's house

when a dog barked at him and bit him

Kaleb has no marks so I'm guessing the dog just nipped him

and with details of the story I put Kaleb at about four years old when it happened

Now he's six and mortally terrified of dogs

He said when the dog bit him he was scared and cried

and that his father yelled at him for being a "cry-baby-sissy"

neglecting to remove either Kaleb of the dog from the situation

I know my husband well

I could picture the event and it sounded like something he would do

I felt guilty for having subjected my child to his own father

and I couldn't have him darting into traffic or into a stranger's yard

to flee from his perceived threat of a stray dog

I had to do something

I was trying to figure out how to remedy the situation

when on the way home from school

a dog down the side street started barking wildly

I turned my head towards the dog

then by the time I looked back at Kaleb to see if he was ok

he was already half-way across the street screaming and running

The kids know when I have to stop walking to handle one child in the group

they are to stand single-file to the side of the side-walk

furthest from the street

and wait for me to resolve any situation

I got a hold of Kaleb and we proceeded to my house

I settled all the kids with their after-school snack

then went out in front of my house to line up the kid's shoes and back packs

Just then the boy across the street came outside with a puppy

I knew instantly what I had to do

He brought the puppy over

The kids all awed over the little angel

but not Kaleb

He wanted nothing to do with it

I asked the kid if he could get me a puppy

The next day he brought over four puppies

Kaleb shut himself in his room and cried

when I announced we were getting a puppy

I would have let Kaleb select which one

but he was to busy hating life to participate

so I let Jessamine choose

The puppies were a pit mix, more pit than mix

I wanted the one that had more blue brindle in it

because it reminded me of Bandit

but this wasn't for me

Jessamine chose the black female

She was so tiny, only 8 weeks old

Kaleb was furious

We didn't name the puppy right away

I wanted to wait for Kaleb to come around

so he could name her

I was questioning my own decision wondering what if he never came around

I'd have a son who's terrified in his own safe haven from the world

My anxiety was as high as Kaleb's right now

Katie and Jessamine adored the puppy

Kaleb would peek at her from time to time

but never actually went near her

The first night in her new home

the puppy slept with Jessamine

The next morning my kids had breakfast and got ready for school

Kaleb told me he was hoping the puppy would be gone by the time he got home from school

I brought the puppy up to the school to walk the kids home

Kaleb was so focused on the puppy in my hoodie pocket

that he forgot about the dogs in the neighborhood

Katie and Jessamine showered her with hugs and kisses

Kaleb looked on from a distance

I went about my usual chores and domestic duties

watching

waiting

hoping I had done the right thing

When bedtime came

I asked Kaleb if he would like the puppy to sleep

at the foot of his bed for just one night

He declined

I tucked my kids into their beds

checked the window and door locks my usual three times each

and crawled into bed

As many mental and emotional problem as I have

you would think I wouldn't even try to help someone else with their issues

but that's the way it works

I help myself by helping someone else

Maybe helping my sons emotional wounds heal

would help me heal

and I wouldn't be so crazy any more

Still I worried that I was going to be stuck with an animal

that would make my son uncomfortable in his own home

While all these thoughts and more were twirling around my tired brain

I saw the hall light turn on

and heard tiny footsteps

My bedroom door handle turned

my door creaked open

Kaleb had changed his mind

He wanted the puppy to sleep on his bed with him

I was happy as could be

but the puppy was already with Katie

I couldn't tell her she could have the puppy for the night then take her back

Thankfully Katie understood what I was trying to do in getting the puppy

and she graciously relinquished the little darling to Kaleb for the night

I had a hard time sleeping

I was afraid something would go wrong

I was expecting something to go wrong

I got up

checked the door locks again

and then checked on all the kids

Then I checked on Kaleb and the puppy four more times before morning

I had a miserable night

but it was very much worth it

Kaleb was gently petting the puppy

After breakfast and getting ready for school, my kids usually play until time to go

Video games are a good way for Autistic kids to soothe them

so I suggested Kaleb sit and play an animal related video game for a few minutes

I went to collect my kids from the play room to walk to school

and had to get my camera

The tiny puppy was sound asleep in Kaleb's lap while he played the game

He didn't want to leave her now

He wanted to take her to school with him

Do I put this in the parenting "win" column?

Are we good now?

I was so excited

I still had to see how he reacted to bigger dogs

and dogs he didn't know

before I could log this as a win

Kaleb named the new family puppy, "Cherry"

Cherry's fur was black, but in sunlight it had a strong red tint to it

and I happened to be wearing black pajama pants with cherries on them

when I asked Kaleb what he wanted to name her

Jessamine picked her middle name

Cherry Brittany Brown

would now forever be known as the dog to help Kaleb resolve his fear of dogs

One month from the day we chose her from the litter

the previous owner brought the mother by

a beautiful blue nose pit, a sleek silver and white coat

Mommy and puppy were happy to reunite

then something amazing happened

Kaleb was rolling around in the front yard

with both a puppy and a full grown pit

letting them lick his face

He was laughing and having a great time

Is this the same kid who would run in terror

just a month ago at the sight of any dog

I still don't know if that was the accepted way to get a kid over an unhealthy fear of dogs

but it worked and in my world that is all that matters

I stopped trying to parent my kids the way I thought I was supposed to

and started doing raising them in a way that gave them the best results

the most happiness and joy in being a child

Leave it to me to hand m six year old daughter a box of Halloween grease paint make-up sticks

or a box of washable markers

and say, "here, your body's a canvass, go decorate it"

I figure let my kids get their regrettable tattoo ideas out of the way while they're still washable

Then when they're old enough to ink it up for real

they'll have come up with a true masterpiece

or they'll have decided ink should stay on paper

Either way, it teaches my kids they have the freedom to make their own choices in life

and I'm not going to be the parent who says do this or don't do that

I want my kids to know it's their life

they have options

and they should explore all possibilities before settling

I don't believe in crushing a child's spirit by stifling their creativity

Kids are washable

I let my kids do all kinds of weird, messy things that make my OCD sensors freak out

I get over it

"The opinion which other people have of you is their problem, not yours."-Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I have no one over my shoulder anymore

criticizing me for how I run things

I can't tell you how wonderful it is to not have to hear, "You did what? Are you stupid."

No, I'm not stupid, I have Asperger's syndrome

and a box of broken tools with which I'm expected to build something awesome

I saw Cuba Gooding Jr. in Men of Honor

his tools all over the river bottom yet he brought that flange home in perfect order

So, I can do this

but I'm going to have to do it my way

and it's going to take a Hell of a lot longer than it takes everyone else

Stay tuned

MY OCEAN

I take my kids to the public pool down the street from our house

My kids always want me to go in the pool with them

I don't want to be up at the pool at all

I only go so they can have a fun childhood

I sit on the blanket wracked with anxiety

waiting for an appropriate amount of time for them to have enough fun

so we can go

I don't like public pools

I don't like pools with lane markings

I'm still that scared little girl on the block

I hear that gun shot in my head over and over as I watch my kids swim

I don't want to be here

I rock back and forth

or jiggle my foot

in extreme anxiety

The second summer I took my kids to that pool

at my kids' behest, I started to get into the water

I would just stand there, like, "ok, I'm in the water, are you happy? Can we go now?"

My kids wanted to play with me

I wanted to cry

After awhile I started to loosen up and play with them

but no way in Hell was I going to put my face in the water

The third summer, I got in the water right away

just to save time and stress

Near the end of the summer, I was in the pool

leaning against the side, watching my silly kids laugh and play

I thought about Kaleb and the dog situation

If my little boy could over-come his fears

so could I

It took me about ten minutes of talking myself into putting my face in the water

I dipped my face very quickly

That is not conquering anything

I needed to swim, the right way, with my face in the water

I pushed off the wall

Two strokes in I put my feet down and said, "oh Hell no"

I got out of the pool and we went home

I tried again the next day

It wasn't going to happen then either

I wanted to try doing a dead man's float, because that was something that terrified me

even though we did it all the time when we were little

to see who could do it for the longest

I hadn't put my face in the water since that humiliating race I lost miserably

No life guard at any pool is going to allow me to do a dead man's float

I had the notion that I needed to over-come two separate fears here

The fear of this type of pool

and the fear of having my face in the water

I decided to go to the beach to work on being under water

I love the beach

It's my peace on Earth

My dream is to live right on the beach

the ocean for my back yard

I never want to leave the beach

I had given my hat to a life guard at the beach once

I was body surfing in a tropical storm

when I noticed the life guard fighting to keep the rain out of his face

I gave him my hat and let him keep it

since he was staying longer than I was, and more rain was coming

I looked for him, hoping he would remember me

I didn't find him, so I just went down the beach a ways and hope no one would see me

I went out into the comforting ocean

My happy place

I laughed at myself

I'm more afraid of someone trying to drown me in a pool

than I am of getting attacked by a jellyfish, sting ray, or shark

I love the ocean

I'm hoping it loves me too

because right now, it's my only ally against this over-whelming irrational fear

I need ten seconds of a dead man's float to say I conquered this stupidity

I slowly sank down into the ocean I love so dearly

put my face in the water

out-stretched my arms

and let my feet float up

"one-one thousand"

Nope, I stood up

This sucks

I can't do this

Ever time I think those damning words

I remember a line from the movie Frailty, "can't never could do nothin'."

That's my way of calling myself a coward, and giving it another go

So I did

face in the water

arms out

feet up

"one-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one-..."

feet down, face out of water

"Fucking son of a bitch ass mother fucker!"

"I'm not leaving here until I do this, so damn it, let's do this!"

"You're not going to fucking drown!"

"No one is here to harm you, just do it already, damn!"

I started to cry

I stood in the ocean, looking at my arms swish in the water

watched a couple of waves wash past me

I could see schools of fish when the sunlight penetrated each wave

I looked at how the ocean seemed to go on forever

The ocean wasn't judging me

The ocean doesn't know me

my past

my pain

The ocean just is

and it is wonderful

I found myself to have calmed down

I took a deep, cleansing breath

I once again, slowly sank into the cradling comfort of the ocean

Once more I put my face into the restless water

arms out

feet up

feel the waves hold me like a baby

"One, you can do this

two, you are strong

three, relax

four, don't give up

five, half way there

six, keep at it

seven, bring it home

eight, you are safe

nine, in the bag

ten, I win"

I put my feet down and stood up

I cried so hard I could barely breathe

I sat at the edge of the water until I collected myself

I felt like such an idiot

Why did I allow one event of my life

scar me for so long

I wasn't proud I over-came a fear

I was embarrassed that I ever had this fear to begin with

I thanked the ocean for having my back

and I drove straight from the beach to the pool by my house

"Let's do this mother-fucker!"

I jumped into the pool. and without a second to think

I just kicked off the wall as hard as I could and swam like my life depended on it

Face in the water and everything

"Fuck you!"

I said to the pool and walked out of there like, "now I own my life"

I go under water anytime I feel like it now

I thought it was a little sad that I had to force my son over his fears

before I addressed my own

Let us never speak of this

THE BIG MUSTARD

When we lived in NY, Kaleb had just turned five

I started saving his drawings little by little when he was just three

but by age five I was saving them all

They were bursting with detail and cleverness

We abruptly moved to Florida when he was five

All his drawings were stored in my closet

with other things I was planning to get around to unpacking

eventually

When Kaleb was eight years old, I got to clearing out the closet

I threw away anything that had belonged to my estranged husband

Kaleb and Jessamine were "helping" me

digging through my closet like a treacherous expedition

when Kaleb found his artwork

He sat down at the kitchen table and proceeded to draw

day after day

until I had to get a storage container for all his drawings

He started putting them in chapters

then he approached me about making a cartoon instead of a book

I said I would look into it

After finding it would be around $30,000 to make a three minute animated pilot

and we would need an agent to approach a network

I started to worry I wouldn't be able to help him

"I just remember thinking it was odd you wanted to call me, but it was obviously odd of me to give you my

phone number. Weirdos stick together."-Jesse Kozel

My film-making friend Jesse Kozel is my go-to friend for all advice related to media of any form

Jesse suggested that I publish the material for the pilot episode into a book

just to get some exposure and build up a fan base

I contacted many publishers, who blew me off

Self-publishing formatting wasn't working for what I was trying to do

when a friend of a friend gave me the number to Cheyenne Knopf

of Online Binding here in Jacksonville

Cheyenne helped me get Kaleb's first book out in October 2011

The Big M by Kaleb Brown

By March we had the second book out

A friend of a friend, Gregory McDonald created a storyboard video

with the help of Chris Kirkpatrick

Not having an agent I didn't really know what to do next

I decided to put the video on youtube

and on Kaleb's website, www.TheBigM.net

I've never actually met any of these amazing online friends

but that didn't stop them from helping a little boy they believed in

I was stunned at their generosity and support

Jesse answered millions of my questions

since I need that step by step direction on how to do things

Seth agreed to do the voice-over for the main character

Chris and his good friend Damien Rahim (Khamelien) created the music and theme song

Jesse's best friend Ginger Huston is a professional singer who did the voice-over for the nurse

and Jesse was the voice of the main character's side-kick, Keven

Gregory and Chris put the whole thing together

I still needed a narrator

Hello social networking!

I messaged a few known personalities

Then I saw Bruce Buffer in my home feed

I messaged him immediately

his voice was just what I was looking for

A voice that would command the attention of wiggly little kids

and hold their undivided attention for the 12 minute duration

Cheyenne said that only I would think nothing of asking famous people anything

all the while fully believing they might be so inclined

Well, Mr. Buffer did respond

and he was so inclined

So Bruce Buffer, "the voice of the UFC", narrated my son's video

To most people this may not seem like a big deal

but to me, it was a very big deal

More evidence that MMA has the most amazing, self-less, kindest people

Most of my friends and online fan-base are MMA fans or fighters

I was getting messages suddenly

inquiring as to how I was able to get Bruce Buffer to narrate my son's pitch video

I asked him

It was that simple

He was so perfect for it, and he did wonderful work

I am so grateful to everyone who volunteered their time and work product

but more importantly

I am deeply moved by their selflessness and generosity towards a child they never even met

Chris' sister, Molly took it one step further

by The Chris Kirkpatrick Foundation adopting my kids for Christmas

just two and a half months after the first book came out

and then one-upped their own generosity

by purchasing 100 copies of Kaleb's books for children's charities

It was painfully awkward for me to have three people

who don't know me

in my tiny, humble home

and more uncomfortable for me to be accepting charity from them

but I felt I owed it to my kids to suck it up and cope with the social anxiety of it

They were all very nice to my kids

I stifled my anxiety and insecurities to enjoy seeing my kids happy

People don't have to do anything for me to feel anxious and insecure

I do it all to myself

No matter how kind someone is to me

I hear their voice in my head

saying terrible things about me

As usual, I have those daunting thoughts that these people don't like me

they're looking down on me

they must think I'm a pathetic loser

and so on

I really wish those voices would shut up so I could enjoy life

but truly they're relentless

I can't read social clues so I can't tell if someone likes me

I have to judge what they think of me

solely by what I think of me

That never goes well

I never heard from them after Christmas

but the fact that Chris still believed in Kaleb's project enough to work on it

out of the goodness of his heart

shows what an amazing and wonderful person he is

as is his friend Gregory who took time out of his busy schedule to put it all together

In April, Kaleb decided he wanted to start a comic book

I wrote e-mails to 100 of the top comic book stores in the country

Only three people responded

Gerry from Midtown Comics in New York City was the only one who was polite

I wrote back and forth with Gerry for three months

asking all sorts of comic book relate questions

based on the same characters

but set in a different time-line

We based it on Kaleb's second book

but there wasn't enough material to stretch into a comic book

so I had to help Kaleb fill it in

I asked Tom, Matt, and Seth (the most awesome fighters we know)

if they would like to be characters in Kaleb's comic book

Despite how kind they all have always been towards me and my kids

I was still shocked when they all said they would be honored to be in Kaleb comic

These guys never cease to amaze me

Kaleb designed Tom's character, a stack of evil pancakes with mustache legs and toxic syrup

I designed Seth's Silverback character

Kaleb had already developed an evil army of broccoli

so I made Matt their immortal, diabolical leader

I put the ankh logo I had made for him years ago, on his super-villain costume

The comic book turned out amazing!

We didn't have any money to print the comics so we released it on Kindle only

Gerry told me when we had the money to print

Midtown Comics would order some

This made me very happy so I tried to raise the money print

but I failed

When I fail at reaching a goal

I make a new goal

I set out get Kaleb and The Big M some press

Kaleb and I went on Kitchen Sink Autism on Blog Talk radio with Cindy Walsh

Seth and Matt went on radio and blogtalk interviews with Kaleb to promote the comic

It's a surreal experience for me

People don't do things like that without expectations of reciprocity like these guys do

MMA fighters really are a breed apart

Where every thing in life has always let me down

MMA has had my back

Apparently that includes my kids

Kindness bestowed upon me by people who never claimed to be my friend

shatters the illusion of friendship created by people who do claim such

yet turn out clearly not to be

No matter how kind anyone is to me though

that voice in my head screams at me that they secretly hate me

My daughter, Katie points out this contradiction

and how it makes no sense

Welcome to mental illness

Having Asperger's syndrome I desperately need things to make sense

but having such deeply rooted mental illnesses

everything in my brain is upside-down, backwards, inside out, and coated with mud

I KNOW HOW THEY FEEL

"I urge you to ask yourself just how honorable it is to preside over the abuse and suffering of animals."-Richard Pryor

I started fostering abused, abandoned, and neglected animals

It's a heart-breaking endeavor indeed

and far too physically and emotionally over-whelming for me

I can't seem to get out of it though

It's nearly impossible to deny an animal in need

I take them in when they are broken

starved

beaten

neglected

scarred for life

My kids and I bring them back to life with loving care

and by the time they are well enough to place in a good home

we are too bonded to part with them

With the pit bulls I am afraid they will end up in the hands of bad people

or that someone will yell at them and hit them

They have already been treated horribly

they don't deserve to suffer another minute of their life

I dug myself a hole I can't seem to get out of

Add to that

I never had bugs before the animals

now I have a type of bug that can't be exterminated by over the counter products

and the professionals won't even come out without $850 minimum up front

I have doomed myself to a home infested with bugs

and way too many animals for the tiny little home we live in

I would keep them all if I had the room and the money to care for them all

but I don't and I am unequipped to find them suitable homes

This is not how I envisioned rescue fostering would play out

In an effort to put an end to the fostering, I started to sell my pet supplies online

A very nice lady named Holly, and her two adorable children

came to my home to buy my ferret cage

While they were here, I showed her kids Kaleb's video on DVD

and showed her Kaleb's books

as I do with anyone and everyone whom I come into contact with

She loved Kaleb's whole The Big M project

She said she would like to show it to her husband, Scott

"he's a local news reporter"

I about fell over

I told her I had been trying for months to get Kaleb in the news somehow

A nine year old child with Asperger's syndrome who writes children's books should be in the news

but unless it's a racially motivated murder

or a drug-induced cannibalism spree

I could see the news didn't have room for a story like Kaleb's

Three days later, Holly's husband, Scott was at our door

ready to put Kaleb on the news

The story was posted on the news website www.news4jax.com

Kaleb was so happy

He wants every child to see his work and love The Big M as much as he does

Soon after Scott put Kaleb on the news

Matt Soergel wrote an in depth article about Kaleb and his project for the local news paper

His story can be found on The Florida Times-Union website www.Jacksonville.com

I laughed when I read the article and saw Matt had mentioned our year-round purple Christmas tree

Over 400 people shared the link to Kaleb's news article by Matt

None of this would have happened if I hadn't met Holly

which wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been selling of pet supplies

which wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been fostering abused animals

Everything happens for a reason

PIT BULLS, PARANOIA, and DOOR LOCKS

"PTSD in women, usually caused by abuse, is a life-impeding mental condition. Women who suffer from PTSD

live their lives in constant fear of reliving their most horrific memories, an experience that happens regularly and

can be triggered by almost anything."-Safe Harbor House (treatment center)

We currently have four pit bulls living with us

One would think that alone would make me feel safe

or the fact that no one is beating me would make me feel safe

but the fact of the matter is, I have never feel safe

I am afraid to fall asleep

I spent most of my life afraid to fall asleep

but I sense my fears are more intense

without provocation or cause

I lock the doors, and check the windows, even though I never unlock the windows

I double check the doors that I personally locked

not because I forgot if I locked them, but because I feel compelled to check again

I get into bed, then get out of bed to check the doors and windows once more

It's all perfectly ridiculous because home-invasions can occur no matter how locked up the house is

Why am I so terrified of such a thing?

I have weapons hidden all throughout my home

My kids get drilled twice a week on their escape route in case of fire or home-invasion

and I time them as to how long it takes them to get up out of bed

as if they were asleep

and get the window open

My kids laugh at me

They tease me

and I let them because I know it's all ridiculous

I take a photo of my teenager every time she leaves the house

so if anything happens, I not only have a current photo

but I also have what she was wearing

I've taught my kids the best way to fight off someone bigger than them

and who to call if I don't wake up or if something happens to me

I divide the dogs up at night so they each have a child to guard

and one to patrol the main part of our tiny house

I'd like to say I've lost my mind

but truly I think I was always this wrecked

I just wish knowing I'm being irrational, would help me be more rational

If knowing really is half the battle, I would give up a kidney and a lung to know what the other half is

"IT'S NONE of MY BUSINESS"...WELL DON'T YOU SUCK!

"You can prevent child abuse by not letting it be a secret."-Chris Witty

While it may be easy to over-power and dominate a child or teenager

either physically, emotionally, or both

It is just as easy to be kind

to check the anger and frustration

choosing instead to be positive and supportive

kind and compassionate

Abused, neglected, terrorized children grow up

The victims give up, turn to drugs or a life of crime

The survivors fight tooth and nail every minute of every day

to over-come the resentment, anger, and frustration we were raised with

All it would have taken is one person to intervene when we were younger

just one person to care enough to step in and stand up for a helpless child

It takes such a slight act to save a child, but I assure it will mean everything to that child

The moments that cause a child physical or emotional pain may be fleeting

but the damage it does resonates into eternity

When you're aware of an injustice

it doesn't matter who you are

or what obstacles lie ahead

you absolutely have a moral responsibility to act

so, when you claim it to be none of your business that your neighbor abuses or neglects their child

you are then equally responsible for the abuse and neglect of that child

You are being complicit through inaction

Pick up a phone and change a life

If you're too chicken-shit to stand up to an abusive adult, how do you think that child is faring?

My name is Kristen Brown, and I don't sugar-coat a damn thing

If you are aware of child abuse

or animal abuse

and you allow it to continue by turning a blind eye

you are my enemy

end of discussion

"What distresses me at times is that I meet a lot of people in their 40's, 50's, 60's, who still say they're a

victim of child abuse."-Dave Pelzer

CHOOSING NOT TO BE A VICTIM

"I've overcome neglect and deprivation, abandonment and abuse."-Tatum O'Neal

No matter how strictly I manage my thoughts

how much faith I have

endless medicinal efforts

or mental health care

I can't seem to heal fully

That pain is part of me forever

The only power I have

is to put that pain to good use

My pain turns into my power

It fuels me

Some people with this much pain

use it's power to dominate others

I use my pain to power the love and gratitude I have for my children.

I make it have a greater purpose

I don't regret one moment of my suffering

because it made me the kind of parent that can stand up for her son with Asperger's

whereas I might not have had the presence of mind to know he needed standing up for

had I not spent my life wishing there had been someone there to stand up for me

to encourage me like I now encourage my kids

Every positive act I fulfill comes from a negative event I survived

The love I have for my kids is more powerful because of the love I craved as a child

"Love always brings difficulties, that it true, but the good side of it is that it give energy."-Vincent Van Gogh

I know what it's like to be estranged from family

to not conform to the ideals of others

Thinking for myself and living how it suits me

scares those who previously controlled me

My mind still freaks out over quite a few irrational fears and twisted ideas

but I made a promise to never let my brand of crazy

interfere with my children's happy childhood, and their life-long memories derived from such

If I need to change something, to quiet the voice in my head (OCD)

but I think that change will limit, stifle, of disappoint my children

I ignore the OCD pressures

choosing instead to go with what will honor my children

I ask my kids all the time

"How's your happiness level?"

I ask them because no one ever asked me

I wasn't even aware that the point of life was to be happy

When I feel that OCD pressure to do something I feel naggingly compelled to do

I ask myself what would happen if I didn't do it?

If I could be brainwashed into becoming the neurotic mess I am today

then I staunchly believe I can brainwash myself into becoming a strong, happy person

I believe

HE LOVES ME NOT

"You'll always be the one I miss the most .... I get so goddamn lonely. Why can't I get you out of my head?" -Bartender Brian

I strongly believe that love is subjective

unique unto the person who feels it

How it's implied by one person

has nothing to do with how it will be inferred by the other person

How we recognize being loved is just as subjective as how we show it

After learning more

about how Asperger's syndrome specifically effects me socially

it helped me reconcile why I never fit into society

was never able to make real friends

never able to have a successful relationship

never felt loved

never could quite figure out the appropriate way to show love

The only thing harder for me than trying to make friends

is being in love

"Unrequited love is so boring. Weeping under a blue-black sky is for suckers or maniacs."-Alice Hoffman

I fell in love with someone a few years ago

in the completely awkward way that I feel love

but I knew that I could never let him know how I felt about him

He was very popular

I saw how he had scores of younger, beautiful women at his disposal

Clearly I had no chance without plastic surgery and a time machine

I knew my way of thinking, feeling, responding to social situations

was completely askew

and often rejected by neuro-typical people

He would have been repulsed by me

or put off by my socially inappropriate demeanor

possibly causing him to stop talking to me

I kept my feelings to myself for over a year

I stepped far outside my comfort zone to see him

in sensory-overloading social settings

My anxiety level was always very high in these situations

Add to that the pressure of secretly crushing on him

In his presence I was rigid and wrought with anxiety and insecurities

He was always nice to me

He even hugged me

I would go back home

dissecting each second of our encounters

wondering if I did anything awkward

stupid

inappropriate

Did I maintain eye contact for the socially appropriate amount of time?

Did I appear as idiotic as I felt?

Does he sense or know I am crushing on him in a bad way?

Will he still talk to me?

The anxiety afterwards was as unrelenting as the anxiety beforehand

It was unbearable

About a year and a half later

I started drinking again to numb the pain from fibromyalgia and back pain

Thanks to the fine art of drunk texting

I accidentally put it all out there one night

He did not respond

Why would he? Right?

I promptly quit drinking again because of that accidental confession

I wanted to disappear into oblivion or at least take back that reckless moment

The next time we spoke, I apologized

retracting my drunken confessions

He said, "We're good."

"So let me ask you something. Do you think I'm pretty or don't you? Do you wanna get with me or not, and now,

or are you just wasting my time?"-Taryn Manning (Boomkat)

Out of the blue I received a text from him

stating that he'd been thinking about me

What did that mean?

Did he need my help again?

Most people only contact me when they need something from me

which I don't mind

It's much easier for me to compartmentalize

and easier to define social lines for me

He was no different

I only heard from him when he needed something

I didn't mind that at all

but I missed him in-between

wishing he needed me more

It's the closest thing I get to friendship

or relationship even

Being needed

second best to being wanted

A few texts later, he asked for my help with something

So there I have it

That's what he meant by thinking about me

Some people feel uncomfortable contacting me out of the blue to help them

without the preface of social inquiries and cordial greetings

I don't need all that because of the Asperger's syndrome

but still, just like I can't relate to society

they can't relate to me

Sometimes people act like my friend

because they think they have to

in order to curry my favor or acquire my assistance

I wish they didn't do that

All it does is confuse me

He told me he was sending me a gift

I never received it

That confused me too

A short while later

he sent me a text in the middle of the night

to listen to a particular song

I found the song, and the lyrics

It was a love song

Now I'm really confused

I asked a few neuro-typical people what that meant

The people I asked all said it meant that's how he feels about me

but everything he said and did worked to the contrary of that theory

It's very easy for me to ruin a friendship or relationship

simply because I misunderstand so much due to Asperger's syndrome

I need a deeper level of communication than most people

I'm so afraid to make a mistake

or upset someone

that I ask a lot of questions before I act

This puts people off

I protect myself from rejection

by sabotaging my chances

Instead of going for it and failing

I make sure I get stopped at the start

If I never had a chance

then I can't fail

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.   
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,   
talented, fabulous?" -Marianne Williamson

I adamantly believe wholeheartedly that anything is possible

and the only limitations are the ones I put on myself

It is a constant battle within myself to not restrict my own possibilities

While at the same time I believe I am not good enough to have what I desire in life

I believe for a moment that people truly like me

Then I am convinced everyone hates me behind my back

I convince myself that I can do or be anything I set my mind to

Then I am back to being quite sure I'll never be anything in life

I think if this guy knew me he would love me

Then I'm absolutely convinced he wouldn't love me if I was the last girl on Earth

These dueling contradictions really wear on me

I drill positive affirmations into my brain daily

Then counteract it going on and on with the self-loathing and doubts

sponsored by years of brainwashing and abuse

As if all my finer qualities are negated by my short-comings

People only keep me around as long as I am useful to them

I know this

My heart betrays me, wanting what I can never have

The guy I love

loves girls that are nothing like me

Sure they always break his heart

yet he continues to seek out the same type of girl

I wouldn't break his heart

I would heal his heart

Some days I am confident that anything is possible and there is hope

but most days I try to be more realistic

to understand and accept that because of my social inadequacies

I won't be hurt if I'm alone

I am in this war with myself

I have faith, believe, and want to go for what I want in life

versus

Knowing I don't fit in and feeling that I don't stand a chance

"I promise that I'll do my best, to give you everything I've got to give, and keep your secrets as long as I live."-Steve Earle

I haven't been on a date

or been with a man

in a few years now

because the last time I went against my heart

it was three months of pure misery and depression

I will never do that again

So as long as my heart is confined to the desire of a man I can't have

I have resigned to a life of celibacy and solitude

It's not at all as sad or pathetic as it sounds

I like not being in a relationship

It's a peace I can't describe

I can't do or say anything to upset someone

if no one is here

No one in my life

means no drama

I like that very much

How many female adults with Asperger's syndrome can say their life is drama-free?

"You can't fight for a place in someone's life, because no matter how hard you try to keep your place,  
they'll put you where they want to even if it's not where you should be."-Unknown

In order to stop feeling for this guy and just let it go

I played out in my head how it would go if he did like me

I pulled out all the negatives

His friends and peers don't like me

We live far apart

I don't like to leave my kids alone or leave them with anyone

I don't like to be in public places other than the beach so going on a date is out

I realized that even if all the forces of the universe pulled together

to grant me this opportunity with him

I could not act on it

That realization helped me to let go of my desires

Even if I had my cake

I could not change who I am long enough to enjoy it

So what then would be the point in desiring it to begin with?

Letting go of what I coveted for so long, has been the greatest release

"So tell me this can't be how it's gonna end. Tell me my heart, somehow, dear God, is gonna mend." The Eels

Perhaps I'm better off listening to emotionally powerful music

and caring for abused and neglected animals

as a substitute for a relationship

Despite everything

I still believe that anything is possible

I am far more than the sum of what I have survived

I believe in myself

Someday I'll find where I do fit in

where I can belong

where I will be wanted more than needed

where I will be loved

"As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much   
all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up, because if you give up, you'll never find your

soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail

once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in

yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most

importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about." -Marilyn Monroe

THE RELENTLESS PURSUIT of HAPPINESS...in OVER-DRIVE

"It's good, now and then, to stop along the pursuit of happiness and just be happy."-Guilaume Apollinaire

There's people who are happy with the way their life is

They throw it in "park" and enjoy their life

There's people who hate their life

They throw it in "neutral"

expecting someone else to push them along

The people in "drive"

know that no matter how blessed they are

life could always be better

but only if they make it better

so they push forward towards the goals they've set

It's the ones in "over-drive" that I look up to

They push themselves as hard as they can

stopping for no one and nothing

They know there's no limits

and they ride life's curves with the throttle fully open

When I feel like throwing it into park

I look to those people in over-drive

and know that no matter what, that could be me

I'm in over-drive

I'm not stopping until my heart stops beating

"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."- Carrie Fisher

For years it weighed on my conscience

that wicked people advance and prosper

while the righteous suffer and struggle

I learned through going to AA with Brad

that this was not the right way to look at things

I kept telling myself to take my own inventory and stop cataloging the life of someone else

That's their journey and I have no right to judge or be jealous

Still, it's a bitter pill to swallow, seeing bad parents, or rude people, or criminals

enjoying blessings I coveted

whilst I struggled to barely get by

Through the positivity shared by the MMA community

I learned that I wasn't just jealous of others

I was wrong altogether

"Jealousy is the result of one's lack of self-confidence, self-worth, and self-acceptance."-Sasha Azevedo

I was making myself jealous

by comparing their greatest blessings

to my worst suffering

I was comparing someone else's greatest achievements

to my worst failures

feeling sick and dejected because I couldn't measure up

and bitter that no matter how hard I worked at things

I could never catch up to anyone I viewed as doing better than me

That's a race I was never going to win

Life is not a competition

I don't need to be better, do better, or have better than anyone else in the whole wide world

I only need to be better and do better to have better

Not better or more than someone else

just better than where I am now

more than what I am now

"Be grateful for what you have now. As you begin to think about all the things in your life you are grateful for,

you will be amazed at the never ending thoughts that come back to you of more things to be grateful for. You have

to make a start, and then the law of attraction will receive those grateful thoughts and give you more just like them."

-Rhonda Byrne (The Secret)

I always felt this conflict in being grateful for what I have

as compared to wanting more

How could I really be grateful for all I have

if I am always desiring more?

I couldn't make it make sense to me

I can't accept what I can't understand

I had to find a way to bring prosperity to my life

while genuinely feeling gratitude for the life I have

"A strong woman is one who is able to smile this morning like she wasn't crying last night."-Unknown

Being in pain all the time, I feel my mood bent from the moment I woke up

I have to force myself to be grateful for waking up

How ridiculous is that!

Think about all the people who can't wake up today....BECAUSE THEY DIED!!

How is it I have to force myself into being happy to have woken up....EVERY SINGLE DAY!

I feel like the biggest jerk, idiot, ungrateful waste of life on the planet

that I can't just open my eyes each morning to be thrilled silly that I woke up to live another day

"I think Hell is something you carry around, not somewhere you go."-Neil Gaiman

When I wake up it's because pain woke me up, not because my body is rested and is ready to get going

I have to wait for tingling in my limbs to subside enough for me to be able to stand up

Most days I pull a muscle in my side trying to sit up to get out of bed

I have the most horrific, nauseating headache...every single morning

I have to catch my breath, even 20 minutes into waking up I am still short of breath

Every part of my body aches, some parts sting, like my lower back and my left knee

My feet hurt like I have been standing up all night

I feel like throwing up

my vision is blurry all day but ridiculously blurry when I first wake

My jaw is clenched so it aches

I want to cry, not wake up

All this is not the side effects of medication or alcohol

This is how I naturally feel

It's from lack of sleep, restless sleep, from fibromyalgia

There is nothing that makes it better

"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well neither does bathing, that's why we recommend it daily."-Zig Ziglar

Believe me, I've tried everything to make it better

Now I just accept this is how it's going to be

I wake up feeling as horrible as possible

It barely gets better as the day goes on with endless pain and excessive tiredness

I'm automatically in a bad mood from the moment I wake up

So rather than fall victim to my ailments

I combat them with attitude

I decide not to be sad, depressed, and miserable

I force myself to smile, laugh, and be happy I have this day above ground

That is my little victory

"Life is meant to be a challenge, because challenges are what make you grow."-Manny Pacquiao

Waking up is a challenge....every day

but consider the alternative for a moment

I didn't wake up today

One of my sweet, sensitive children are going to have to discover my dead body in my bed

I may be a grumpy bitch because of my constant pain, but my kids do love and adore me

I can't see them being to happy to find me dead when they start their day

If that's not enough of a motivation for me to be over-joyed to have been granted another day

how about what would happen to my kids

They would go into the Florida foster care system until family members can be notified

and arrangements can be made for Katie to go to Wisconsin to live with her dad

but what about Kaleb and Jessamine

What would happen to them

Their options would be foster care or tracking down their anger-management drop-out father

He doesn't even acknowledge Kaleb as his son because he has Asperger's syndrome

How does that make Jessamine feel

Kaleb is her best friend

they are inseparable

Yes, the fear of my kids finding my dead body when they wake up

and fear of where they would end up if I was gone

is what motivates me to get my ass out of bed

It motivates me to respect each day as the miracle that it is and make something of it

I have higher desires and expectations than my body can keep up with

so as the day goes on

instead of giving myself credit for what I have achieved in a day

I feel like a complete failure for all the things that went neglected

It doesn't matter that I got a few things done, despite feeling like I'm still asleep

and like my body was pummeled by a stampede of angry elephants wearing tap shoes

I didn't even scratch the surface of what other people accomplish in a day

and that is all that I look at

If my kids had a mom who didn't have fibromyalgia

she would have had the whole house cleaned by now

If my kids had a mom who wasn't so sleep-deprived due to PTSD and fibromyalgia

she would have been able to hold a job to buy a car and take them to the beach

and she could by them things they need for their room

and paint the baseboards like I've been wanting to do for 8 months now but still haven't had the strength to get to

I don't give a damn about what I did get done today

All that matters is what I didn't get done today

So I start my day envisioning my kids dealing with a dead mom

and end my day thoroughly disappointed in my shortcomings

In between that hot mess, is the Kristen everyone else sees

I force fake smile

I force fake confidence

I force fake gratitude

I force face kindness

and then I realize

it's not at all fake

it's who I am under all this pain and tiredness

I do want to smile

I am confident

I am full of gratitude

I am kind

FINDING MY MOTIVATION

"Instead of reacting to life with frustration or disappointment or anger, make the choice to enjoy what life brings

your way. Live with enjoyment, and give the best of who you are."-Ralph Marston

In AA they say, "take what you need, leave the rest"

I apply that to all parts of life

Another saying they use that works for anything I want to succeed at is, "fake it til you make it."

and now I know why

because we're not faking the genuine thought, feeling, or action

we're faking our ability to carry it out

until we actually are able to carry it out

We lack confidence in our own abilities

When you succeed at something

it builds confidence

so if you fake confidence

to just do what you need to do

you will succeed

it will build real confidence

and you will continue to succeed

because you faked that confidence until it manifested through success

The success of accomplishing something you thought you could not

When I was in court with the judge who denied me disability due to my high IQ

he asked me if I cooked meals and went to the post office a block from my house

I told him that I did, but that I throw up in the garbage while I'm in the middle of cooking

because it's hard for me to be upright for that long

and I either faint or vomit when I get to the post office or back from it

He told me that it doesn't matter how sick I am when I am completing these tasks

I am still getting them done and that's what mattered

At the time, I thought he was out of his mind

"PTSD is a whole body tragedy, an integral event of enormous proportions with massive repercussions."

-Susan Pease Banitt

He was in essence saying I could hold a job while I was sick, it would just suck, but so what

I had a job like that, they didn't fire me for vomiting in the garbage beside the grill while I cooked

but how do you think the customer would feel about that

despite that no one seemed to care how I felt about that

I have to do what I have to do to keep my job to pay the bills right?

Well here I am years later realizing I am still in the same place

only I'm not understanding

that no matter how awful I feel, or how weak I am, or tired, or in pain

I am still getting things done

Not a lot of things

and not very quickly

but progress is progress no matter how small in measure

I am grateful none of my little angels had to come in here this morning to find my cold dead body

I'm grateful I am here so they don't end up in foster care or worse

I am grateful I was able to feel them breakfast and feed the animals who depend on me

I'd love to have the energy to get out of my pajamas

brush my hair

go for a walk

clean my kitchen

do my make-up

paint my toe nails

do some laundry

and paint the damn baseboards

but it's not going to happen

I'm currently forcing myself to be fine with that

One of two things will happen

either I will be fine with that

or I will get it all done

little by little over time

Being at peace with getting nothing done in a day isn't going to happen either

Somewhere along the way, I came to believe I must be productive all the time

I am aware I'm the one putting pressure on myself to get something done

I gave up fighting that feeling

I just accept I'm someone who has to accomplish something everyday

no matter how small an accomplishment it might be

Another saying I find comforting during this time

"Be easy on yourself"

I am too hard on myself

I just always expect more out of me

When I was little, and as a teen, I wanted to show my dads how strong I was

So I would lift things I had no business lifting

I'm not happy being weak

I want to be strong

I am friends with thousands of athletes who are strong

It's totally embarrassing to not be able to do what they can

but I need to be easy on myself

I am not them

and they are not me

I have to work with who I am

and what I have

I can't work with who they are and what they have

The biggest reason I support athletes and try to help them find sponsors and competitions

is because support is the most positive thing I could do with my envy

I want to fight, surf, swim, run...I desperately want to

I miss being able to ride a bike

but I can't do any of those things

So I do everything I can to support the people who can

My son is the creative kid I was

the difference being his mommy recognizes his talent and potential instead of his limitations

and I foster his abilities hoping when I am gone, he will have the self-esteem and drive

and believe in himself the way I believe in him, to go on and do great things

My Jessamine wants to get back into Brazilian Jiu Jitsu

and take up ballet and Karate as well

I don't have the means to provide her with those things at this time

So I thought about some of her talents

She is very dramatic, so we tried a few videos to see if she liked acting

She has a very stunning look, so we take endless home-modeling photos

She loves to dress up so I encouraged her to draw some fashionable designs

She is loving that one quite a bit

and I love the happiness and confidence in her face when I rave about one of her designs

Katie has notebooks that she write down all the life lessons I learned the hard way

and life lessons I should have been taught by my parents before I went out into the world

I don't want her to go out into the world unarmed

I think of the hundreds of time I put myself in harm's way out of ignorance, being unaware

My house is a mess, my baseboards and walls are dingy

I have too many dogs for such a small house

but....my kids are happy, healthy, and confident in who they are and where they're going in life

My kids know they are loved

I am doing a much better job of things than I give myself credit for

Is it so wrong to want to do better? To be better? To have better?

I want to cast off my pain, sleep the slumber of a loved child, and do something amazing with my life

Well, my pain is here to stay so I have to suck it up there

I will never know deep sleep

but I can still do something amazing with my life

"You must find the place inside yourself where nothing is impossible."-Deepak Chopra

ACCEPTANCE, DREAMS, and BELIEVING

"Whether or not you can become something great at something, you can always become better."-Neil deGrasse Tyson

My name is Kristen Brown

I wasn't born with that name

I chose it

My name does not define me

Just like the sum of my life's events don't define me

I define myself

I wasn't born with fears and anxiety

That is not who I am

Those things are what became of me

because I was brainwashed from birth

conditioned to believe all the things

that kept freedom and happiness out of my grasp

If believing was enough to control me and subsequently destroy me

then it stands to reason believing could also save me

believing could make me whole again

maybe even happy

I believed lies that imprisoned me

I need to believe the truth to be set free

I have suffered much in life because there have been so many things I could not accept

I would fixate on these things

The depression would set in

and dark thoughts would become me

To be able to believe

first I was going to have to learn to accept

Accepting to me is settling, I don't want to settle, I want to win

I have come to understand, accepting is not settling

"Do what you need to do, not what others expect you to do."-Michele Serkez

I have physical limitations

The first thing I needed to accept is that it is ok if I don't accomplish everything I want to in a day

It's even ok if I don't accomplish anything

Oh, the horror!

I couldn't imagine spending an entire day not having accomplish a single thing

I mean even at the worst point of my health ever, I was still able to do something

I set aside one day to do absolutely nothing productive

accomplish nothing but a good time

I prepared for that day, making sure to get as much done ahead of time so it wouldn't nag at me

While I was doing that, I dawned on me that I was missing the point

I needed to be ok with the world the way it is

Not make it my way and then sit and do nothing

I needed to know that the laundry is piling up

and be able to not be obsessed with getting to it

I need to know something needed to get done

and be ok with not doing it

So new plan

One day a week, I do nothing

I do what I need to all week long, as much as I can manage

whatever doesn't get done by that one day a week that I take a break

I was going to have to accept

It wasn't easy at first, but my kids knew what was up and helped me through it

We started building forts in the living room if it rained on my day of rest

it's much easier to ignore tasks and the rest of the world

when sitting in a fort with three kids, four dogs, 12 pillows, and over 200 stuffed animals

The fancier we got with the fort, the more fun, the easier to remain calm

You know what happened? Nothing. The world went on just fine without me

I do what I can, and leave the rest

It still feels awkward, but it's a start

The next thing I need to accept, is me, who I am, what I look like, and so on

Being over 40 helped in accepting things

I make a lot of old jokes at myself

Like when people try to set me up with their friend

I say I don't date

rather than explain why and get yet another 30 minute lecture about it

I just say, "I'm over 40, it's all over for me. I'm want to stay home and be old."

That usually gets a laugh, even though I do sort of feel that way

Like now that I'm ready to cast off the weight of the past and live on my terms

I'm to old to do anything with it

I had my 40th birthday at Chuck E. Cheese in Orange Park, FL

I invited all kids, teens, and my friend Robin (Katie's best friend's dad)

It was a blast! I didn't want to celebrate getting older

I wanted to celebrate having fun

When it came to accepting myself, I thought about that birthday

I didn't invite any adults besides Robin, because I relate more to kids and teens

I don't fit in with adults

I am uncomfortable around them

self-conscious, self-loathing, nervous

I don't feel that way around kids or teens

Robin is the only friend I have felt comfortable fully showing that part of me to

I needed to accept this is who I am and stop trying to fit in

stop trying to make friends

stop hoping people would like me

If I'm happy acting like a 15 year old

than that's what I should do

Five years ago my home was a fragrant, immaculate, pristine palace of pride

Today it looks like the back of a Highlights magazine

and I'm fine with it

Yes, I would prefer to have my home spotless and smelling of key lime pie candles again

with fresh Shasta daisies on my table

instead of tripping over stuffed animals with the pungent aroma of dog farts in the air

but the truth is, I can't keep up like that

and I don't have to

I don't have to kill myself trying to make my home what I think others would expect

My kids and I grow our hair out for wigs for kids with cancer

This last time I shaved my head for it

I look like a dude

I'm ok with that

I was a model in the past

I know how to look girly, I can get out my wigs and make-up and sexy it up

but I don't have to

I can walk around my house in my pajamas

or my men's boxer briefs and a tee shirt

with my shaved head

and not give a single damn

Five years ago I couldn't do that

It may seem like a step backwards to some people

It may sound like I'm doing the opposite of bettering myself

but my response is, I need to crawl before I can walk

I need to know when my house is clean and I look pretty

it's because I want to

and I can not because I have this false sense of expectation pressuring me to

I have obsessive compulsive disorder

It's easy for me to know how things should be

It's an uphill battle for me to accept how they are

Once I successfully negotiate accepting my realities

then I can go about life making it neat and pretty

Keeping things orderly now, or at least trying to to the point of causing myself pain and depression

only serves to further my mental illness

If I retrain my myself and my way of thinking

I believe that I can heal

If I wasn't moving fast enough, my mother would smack me, shove me, and scream,

"HURRY UP! "

"FASTER! "

"MOVE YOUR FUCKING ASS, BITCH!"

"IS THAT AS FAST AS YOU CAN GO?!"

I grew up thinking I had to hurry through everything

Being physically disabled has slowed me down, but the mental part is still there

telling myself to hurry hurry hurry constantly

It makes me very anxious, especially when driving because I can't hurry

I get anxious waiting on someone else, because I can only hurry myself, not them

I get depressed if my body can hurry to my mind's satisfaction

This is not how I want to live

I created exercises in patience

It causes me chest pains, and I have to re-do them a lot

but progress is being made, ever so slightly of course

I can't hurry progress with this one

"A man watches his pear-tree day after day, impatient for the ripening of the fruit. Let him attempt to force

the process, and he may spoil both fruit and tree. But let him patiently wait, and the ripe pear at length falls

into his lap!" -Abraham Lincoln

I noticed a couple of years ago, that I was always telling Katie to hurry up, and telling her she's so slow

I don't do that anymore

When I give her a task, I let her take the radio, and her own sweet time

Despite my anxiousness, I let her do the task her way

something I was never allowed to do

I wasn't even allowed to stand how I want

My brothers and I cleaned the kitchen together every night

My knees and lower back always hurt, and standing in one place made it worse

so standing at the kitchen sink I would put one foot against my knee

I probably looked like a big-butted, anorexic, tan flamingo...washing dishes

My mother would yell at me to not stand like that

Standing like that relieved the pain and pressure

If my brothers and I talked and laughed while cleaning the kitchen

we would get yelled at

If the dishes weren't clean enough, we had to redo them, after getting slapped around and cussed out

If chores weren't done by the time we got home we got hit and screamed at

I haven't seen a clean dish in this house since my teenager has been in charge of doing dishes

None of us have seen a sock in years since my teen took over sock detail

We were told once what to do , and it better get done

I have to tell my teen repeatedly to do something

...and I'm ok with that

I have big dreams, for myself, for my kids

but before I can expect my dreams to be a reality

I need t accept the reality I have

Until I do that, I'm not going to get anywhere

"If you want something you've never had, you must be willing to do something you've never done."-Thomas Jefferson

THIS AIN'T HORSE SHOES or HAND GRENADES

When I was little, and even into my teens

everything had to be in even numbers

and two was my favorite number

Everything was two by two

or divisible by two

and if it wasn't, I forced it to be so

Now, as an adult, I hate the number two

In retrospect of my life, I have succeeded at everything 98% of the way

which is a failure

a 2% failure, which might as well be 100% failure

because failure is failure, period

I missed two answers on every school standardized test

I missed two answers on the ASFAB (military assessment)

I missed two answers on my GED

I missed two answers on my air traffic controller exam

I missed everything good in life by two answers, two minutes, two hours, two days, two dollars, two miles

I hate the number two

The next shot I take in life, will be dead on the money

Close doesn't cut it for me

I want to finish something in life 100% of the way

Not come up 2% short

This is now my mission in life

To make a list of what I want to accomplish

and see it through fully

Then I'm going to have a carnival in my honor

My next mission in life will consist of trying to find the ability to place a monetary value on my work product or talents

Tom once advised me, not to work for free, even if I only charged a small amount

I would love to take his advice

but that's not who I am

"The meaning of life is to find your gift; the purpose of life is to give it away."-Joy J. Golliver

Mark's aunt, Michele Serkez lives in Tennessee

She posted a winter landscape online she had photographed and embellished

When I saw it in my social media home feed

I thought it was so pretty that I saved it to my computer

I painted it on a canvass, along with a tropical scene. and sent them to Michele

Seeing that picture made me want to paint

I hadn't painted in years

Seeing my painting come out just like the photo

inspired again

I bought some more canvasses and paint

and I did nothing for ten days other than feed my kids and paint

My plan was to sell them

I sold six, but I gave away 15

I also gave a few to my kids as they picked out their favorites

I suck at making money

but I rock at making people happy

I guess that's a worthy trade off

though I'd like to find a way to combine the two

A DEAD HORSE

I love helping people

making people happy

doing a great job

I love MMA

Helping fighters filled my soul with joy

but now it's time to step back a bit

and see what path my life is meant to follow from here

I had a fighter accuse me of with-holding a potential fight from him

Of course this wasn't true

I found him the fight

but the commission wouldn't let him fight a guy coming off of four wins

when he was coming off of four losses

The fighter being denied the fight had nothing to do with me

He said his fighter-friend talked to the promoter

but so did I

and the fighter's friend got the information twisted

I asked the promoter to write to the fighter

explaining that it was not my fault why he was denied the fight

The promoter sent an e-mail to him explaining what he had actually said to his friend

and why he was denied the fight

The promoter sent me a copy of the e-mail he sent to the fighter

which I forwarded to the fighter and his friend

I never heard from either of them

No apology

No anything

I found this to be more upsetting than being accused of something I didn't do

This makes me not want to help fighters find fights anymore

Another fighter I helped get a three fight deal on contract

only got to fight one of the fights in the nine month period of the contract

The promotion wanted to talk to the fighter directly

but the fighter declined

asking that they discuss things with me

The promoter went around me and contacted the fighter directly

against his wishes

but the fighter was worried if he didn't deal with them directly

that they wouldn't let him fight at all

After the nine month duration of the contract was up

and the fighter only had one fight

I thought how unfair it is that these promotions can keep a fighter on a shelf like that

simply because of the way contracts are worded

They aren't legally obligated to give the fighter the amount of fights listed

but the fighter is obligated to fight that many if the promotion wants them to

Even if the promotion doesn't use the fighter during the amount of time given in the contract

the fighter still can't fight for any other promotion during that time

The fighter is not making money during the duration of a contract

If you don't sign the contract as is

you don't get to fight

Fighters have to acquiesce to what the promotion demands of them

yet the promotion is under no obligation to give them the paying fights listed in the contract

simply because of the wording of it

I noted a few other shady things in the world of MMA

and saw first hand how fighters are so easily taken advantage of

Everyone wants a piece of them

They need the fights

They need the sponsors

They need the ticket sales

The fighter is at the mercy of every one's benevolence

I don't like it

Not every promotion is shady

but I see how much is against them

and they just go with it for the sake of staying on good terms with everyone so they can fight

I was threatened early on that I would be blacklisted

if I didn't watch myself and mind what I say

I'm a complete nobody

How do I get threatened with being blacklisted?

Imagine the fighters who aren't a total nobody

and how much ass they must have to kiss to keep from being blacklisted

I think between being accused of tanking a fight

when I was the one trying to set it up

and seeing how bout contracts are scripted to benefit the promotion

at the expense of the fighter

I decided to be done with it

I wanted to be all involved

and I think I got too involved

I'd like to stick to shooting fight photos and singing the anthem

but as for finding fights and sponsors

I'm done

The last time I tried to find sponsors for a known pro fighter

I failed

I only found one sponsor

and we had to drop them

because promoting them violated a sponsor agreement with the promotion

Some promotions won't allow a fighter to have sponsors that conflict with their sponsors

I started to see all these tensions piling up inside me

and took it as a sign to back up and go a different direction

I love MMA

I love the fighters

I love the sponsors

I have met some great promoters and match makers

There's a lot of good people in MMA

but I think I need to be less involved

I hope the fighters understand

I'd hate for them to think I'm letting them down

I'm sure someone else will take my place

spending countless hours helping them for free

I just can't be the one anymore

I appreciate all the fighters who wore my Lethal logo

or my son's The Big M logo

just to show their support

Fighters are a wonderful breed of people

some of the greatest people on Earth

I will miss being the one they look to for help

I'm going to file it under "self-preservation"

and move on

BABY BROTHERS

Two of my three younger brothers have served in the United States Navy

I was worried for their safety all the time

Shane left the military after a few years

but Justin continued to serve

He subsequently lost his wife

his kids

his house

his truck

his pay

his smile

his joy in life

like a sad country song set on a submarine

Years later he put his life back together

He's my baby brother so it was difficult to see him unhappy

When his time was up in the Navy, over a decade later

he went into the Coast Guard

I worry more for him now, than I did when he was in the Navy

When I was a little kid, I had no clue what anything patriotic being forced on us meant

No one explained it

They just told us to say this and sing that

Being government-run schools

they should explain to children what it all means

Patriots sacrifice for the protection of the people of this country

I knew nothing of what price is paid for my freedom

until my brothers joined up

My fear for their life drove me to seek out understanding

It's a heart-wrenching thing to look at someone I love in uniform

knowing they're putting their life on the line everyday

for people who either don't understand or fully appreciate what sacrifices are being made for them

It's a terrifying feeling

Thinking of the dangers he faces

when I once toted around on my hip when he was in diapers

My baby brother boards boats and ships daily for "safety checks"

without knowing who or what he will encounter or what weapons they have

Messing with gun runner's or drug cartel's line of work

is more dangerous in my mind than anything he encountered in the Navy

but he does it every day with courage and pride in what he does

My baby brother is a brave grown man risking his life

When I stand in the cage to sing the National Anthem before the fights

I'm singing for him and for all the other baby brothers and sisters out there keeping us safe

I wasn't raised with respect for our service men and women

I learned respect when it hit home

LETHAL PRINCESS ABOUT to NINJA-UP

It's taken me a lifetime to diagnose and deal with a slew of mental and physical ailments

I tried ignoring them

hiding them

explaining them

medicating them

coping with them

right down to apologizing for them

When all else has failed

I decided to let them work for me

I've teamed up with Jarrett Arthur, a comic book illustrator in Canada

We are currently working on a comic book series BASED ON ME

I get to be the super-hero for once

Instead of the crippled mental patient

I get to be strong, healthy, happy

and kick the ass of all things wrong and evil

with a secret twist of course

I am very excited about this

We've already started developing my character, Lethal Princess

I can take my eye-twitching, rocking back and forth, talking to myself issues

and turn them into page-turning, riveting, action-packed excitement

Nothing can hold me back

I have survived child abuse

rejection

neglect

sexual assault

armed robbery

alcohol abuse

home-invasion

rape

domestic violence

theft

false accusations

car accidents

fights

abandonment

and loss

If that doesn't make for great comic book material, well...

I'm not a quitter so I would just end up trying something else

because I am not a victim

I'm not a loser

I am awesome

I am a survivor

I will survive

I will conquer

and I will never stop fighting to better myself

BRAVERY and STRENGTH

I have always seen myself as weak

physically

emotionally

I've been scared

terrified actually

of everything

my whole life

I could not understand why people tell me I'm strong

brave even

It made me uncomfortable to hear this

I have fears...irrational fears

I can't do anything about how I feel

I can't stop my fears

I have three wishes in life

to live by the beach

to take my kids on a cruise

and to never let my fears limit how my kids experience life

I do what I need to do for their sake

no matter how terrified I am

" _Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."_

-Ambrose Redmoon

I treasure time with my kids

Like every moment with them is the most important moment of my life

I listen intently when they talk

watching their facial expressions and body language

I marvel at everything they do and say

I couldn't imagine any other purpose for my life

than to support and guide them as they secure their own destiny

I stopped worrying about what my purpose is in life

and what I wanted in life

when I realized they are my purpose

what I want is for them to have a better childhood than I did

hope for their own future

I've truly never been happier

" _Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply give you courage."-Lao Tzu_

ONE LOVE

Katie and I settled in on a rainy Friday to watch back to back

war movies all day and night

while Kaleb and Jessamine played with their toys and animals

and watched their favorite movies

Saturday was non-stop rainy too

so Katie and I watched the amazing war movie, "My Way"

then the "Band of Brothers" series

for twelve hours straight

My obsession with war movies

the rest of the world does not even exist to me

so deeply engrossed in these graphic depictions of war

Sunday was hot and sunny

I took my kids to the beach all day

Walking in the water is good low-impact exercise for me

Playing with my kids in the ocean is about the happiest I can be at any given time

I feel no pain

no stress

no worry

only peace

love

sheer happiness

Sunday night I cleaned the house

kids and animals settled

prepared for the week ahead

I sat down to write a status online about what an outstanding weekend I had

Before I had the chance to write anything

I clicked and quickly scrolled on my notifications for a split second

In the midst of the no less than 30 notifications

one caught my residual vision after I had closed it out and went onto my profile page

I paused

closed my eyes

and in my mind I saw it

"Garret Lauer has invited you to Candlelight Vigil for Khamelien Damien"

Wait...what?

I clicked my notifications again, scrolled, and found it

Yes, that is what it reads

I was afraid to click on it but I did

There was no further information than that

I know what a vigil is

this means he died

but my mind won't accept that like instant denial

While are bitching about Monday, professing their hatred of mornings

posting sarcastic posters or political rantings

Damien posts:  
"Good morning. Thank you LORD for another day, for this life you have given me, thanks for all my friends,

fans, and family. Thanks for the strength, the knowledge and the understanding to do all I do for you, thank

you for always being there and guiding me in the right direction even when I'm wrong. Thank you LORD for

YOU and all you do. GOD bless and give thanks for today because tomorrow may never come. One Love!!"

-Damin "Khamelien" Rahim August 9, 2012

I searched the internet and found the news reports blowing up the results page

"Damien Rahim aka Khamelien was found dead in his car outside a motel in Davenport, FL

Calvin Jones has been positively identified as the suspect

A warrant for his arrest has been issued"

"charges of murder and armed robbery in the death of Damien Rahim, aka Khamelien"

Now in shock

This isn't real but it is real

This very inspirational man is dead

murdered

his killer is on the loose

I thought about Kaleb

I didn't want to tell him the man who created his theme song was murdered

What if we go to a presentation and I start crying when The Big M theme song plays

He won't know why if I keep this from him

He expects to meet Damien someday

He needs to know

He will be more upset if I with-hold this information and he finds out later

This is going to be difficult and sad

I collected my kids into one bed to cuddle with and prepare to comfort them

They could tell by my pained expression

what I had to say would hurt

I broke the news to them

held Kaleb as he cried

Jessamine's eyes welled up

She shook her head side to side a few times

paused, took a breath and said

"I'm not going to cry, because I know he's in a better place."

She put on the best smile she could

as her pretty green eyes filled with warm tears of love and sadness

Katie was in silent tears

her head bowed and tilted

trying to process what she had just heard

I was bawling like a baby by now

despite efforts to hold tears back for their sake

After a few minutes

we collected ourselves enough to discuss

Kaleb said, "I just hope he had a happy life."

We all cried some more

The next night I was working in the living room

Kaleb came out to tell me

"You know Mom, I'm happy that Damien lived life to the fullest."

From what I know of Damien

he really had lived life to the fullest

For he took the most basic truth to heart

Tomorrow is not guaranteed

I comforted my kids as best I could

shared the photo the Sheriff's department released of the suspect

listened to some of Damien's songs on the internet

shared Damien's news story

shared Kaleb's video he had worked on

I was not at all prepared for what came next

I check on my kids often when they aren't in the same room I'm in

I popped into Kaleb's room to find him with his Legos

building space station toilets for his alien landing pad complex

Kaleb showed me the recent progress he had made on the construction of the complex

then blurted out

"I want to go to Damien's funeral. Will you take me?"

I froze

In one quick second a myriad of thoughts flooded my dizzy head

I told Kaleb I would find out when the funeral is and see what I could do to get him there

I'd never been to a funeral

My family didn't have one for my grandma or my dad

I don't do well with things I've never done before

I'm unfamiliar with protocol of social events

The whole idea terrified me

I could have lied to my son and told him we missed the funeral

We don't have a car

We don't have any money

I have no friends to help me get there and back

We don't even own any decent clothes or anything black

I don't even have any shoes really

a pair of dress boots that are six years old

but the zipper broke off in my hand when I tried to put them on

sandals I wear to the store or to the doctor

but the dogs got a hold of them so they are damaged

I shaved my head for donating my hair to making wigs for kids with cancer

so I try not to go in public much because I'm self-conscious of my appearance

Orlando is so far

I won't know anyone there other than the deceased

I realize my mind is coming up with excuses disguised as reasons

When we wants something enough

we do what it takes

I never even asked myself if I wanted to go

I was too busy panicking

What I want out of life can be boiled down to what makes my kids happy

My ten year old son just asked me to take him to a funeral

I knew I needed to find a way to make it happen

It was my fault he never got to meet Damien in person

I owe him this

if we had a car

if we had money

I would have taken him months ago

to meet Damien and everyone else who worked on his video

Damien knew any day could be our last

We have to do what we can each day to make it everything we want it to be

This isn't the time for me to let anyone down

I inquired online if anyone was going from the Jacksonville area down to Orlando

I messaged Gregory, Ginger, and Jesse to see if Kaleb could meet them while we down there

I had taken a friend to the airport who let me use her car while she was in California

Unable to reach her to inquire if I could use her car to go down to Orlando

or if the car would even survive the trip

I received birthday money from Katie's grandfather in Minnesota

I was planning to use it for my bills

instead it served to buy clothes for my kids and myself from the thrift store

for Damien's service and gas to get there and back

I worried up until the very last minute

My biggest worry was not having a phone

If I break down somewhere between Jacksonville and Orlando

with three kids and no phone

I would be stranded and stressed

Even if I did have a phone

I would have no one to call to come rescue me

I woke up at 5:00 am the Saturday of the funeral in a full-blown panic attack

I didn't know what to do

I woke the kids up at 7:00 am and decided to go for it

We were an hour late

The church was packed with tearful people who loved and adored Damien

Large, framed posters of Damien hung in the background

as his friends and family took turns pouring their heart out

recounting wonderful memories of time spent with Damien

singing Bob Marley songs

Kaleb loves Bob Marley's music

he was happy to find out Damien was a Bob Marley fan as well

Kaleb and I each went through our own pack of tissues

He laid his head on my shoulder to cry a few times when I bent down to hug him

His bottom lip poked out into a trembling pout

We hugged Chris and Molly in the parking lot on our way to the car

I don't know how to relate to other people

I know I am awkward and weird but that's just who I am

Sometimes I don't even try to hide it

I saw one of Damien's relatives standing with a baby on her hip

Her face was bent with emotional pain

She looked as lost as could be

I was walking past her when I felt compelled to hug her

I walked up to her and said, "I don't know you,...but..."

I didn't know what to say

I just grabbed her and hugged her

she hugged me back, hard

so I hugged her even harder

trying to give her my energy to keep her going

When I let her go, I just kissed her on the cheek without thinking

As I walked away I was face to face with another relative of Damien's with a baby on her hip

her empty arm out-stretched to me

My eyes filled up with tears

I hugged her as she cried

I just want to bring Damien back for them so they don't have to suffer his tragic absence

It was hard to hold it together at the cemetery

knowing someone we know, admired, and respected

was about to be put into the ground forever

watching his family fall to pieces

crying

fainting

falling

screaming for Damien to come back

It was truly heart-breaking

A million things ran through my mind

After what I had experienced when my grandmother died

and other things I've seen that weren't really there

I knew Damien wasn't in that casket

just what was once his Earth-bound body was in there

I wondered if his spirit had gone off with those who preceded him in death

or if he lingered to comfort the living

I wondered how my kids would mourn my passing since we don't seem to do funerals in my family

What would they have to say about me and the mark I've left on their life

What if that was my brother or child in that casket about to be lowered into the Earth

I felt myself start to panic

Again it seemed surreal that Damien was really gone

The harder pill to swallow is that his killer is still out there

Kaleb and Jessamine had drawings to lay on his casket before he was laid to rest

I snapped a photograph for Kaleb to remember when he is older

though I doubt he will ever forget

His eyes were over-flowing with grief straight from his heart

Kaleb had asked me if he could meet Damien's family

since he never got to meet Damien himself

When the service was over

he was able to meet Damien's cousins

his aunts

his gorgeous 13 year old daughter

Friends and family were meeting at a sports bar after the service

We didn't have any money so we decided to go meet Jesse and Ginger

I'd never met them in person like Damien so this opportunity shouldn't be missed

After four years of talking on the phone and online

I felt comfortable in their presence

My eyes burned from crying

Katie rode the whole way to their home with her arm out the window

holding up a peace sign for Damien

At the service they talked about how Damien would run six miles a day

with both his arms stretched up to the sky

throwing up peace signs the whole way

Katie hadn't cried at the service

Between one of her online friends having accidentally shot himself

then sitting through the funeral service of a murdered family friend

she broke down in a monstrous flood of tears in the car after the funeral

Holding that peace sign out the window for Damien helped her pull it together

She laughed about how hard it was to keep her hand up for so long

as she wondered how Damien did it for six miles a day

My Kaleb is always talking about peace and love

He's happy with life and always see's the positive side of things

Damien and Kaleb would have been great friends

Damien was a beacon of light in a cold dark world

He promoted peace and love with every breath

Nothing can bring him back

but I do hope they catch his killer

so he can't hurt anyone else

HEALING MY HEART, MIND, and BODY

" **Be happy for no reason, like a child. If you are happy for a reason you're in trouble, because that reason**

can be taken away from you."-Deepak Chopra

Thankful for my resilient heart

Love is not contingent on reciprocation

I pour my love out into the world

Despite all I've been through

I still care

I still try

I still love

I still help anyone I can

I can't change me

The world can't change me

Blessed to be so full of love in a world so full of hate

So happy to have a giving heart in a world that seeks to take

Hating myself for so long

because a kind heart is often taken advantage of

Now learning to love myself

because being able to love everyone unconditionally is the advantage

~*~

" _Blessed are the weird people...poets, misfits, writers, mystics, painters, troubadours...for they teach us to see_

the world through different eyes."-Jacob Nordby

When I found out I had Asperger's system and learned all about it

suddenly I made sense

The more I get to know my son with his Asperger's and all his silliness

the more I made sense

why I was so sensitive when I was a kid

why school seemed like such a hostile environment to me

the social connections I couldn't make

not fitting in with my peers

seeming weird or crazy

the food making me gag

teachers hurting my feelings and my ears

hypersensitivity to pain, sound, textures, cruelty

religion made no sense along with many other things forced on me

I didn't feel so bad about myself anymore

I always wondered what was wrong with me

There was nothing wrong with me

I was just different

Pretty much everything I could remember as a child suddenly made perfect sense

I was not looking at the world the same way every other child was

We were warehoused in government schools forced to conform to one way of functioning

It was not a way I understood or could relate to

" _Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing_

it is stupid."-Albert Einstein

I didn't hate myself anymore which was liberating

but I wasn't completely healed from the wounds of the past

I help my son take his childhood drawing from kitchen table to published books and a product line

It gives him self-esteem, and sense of pride in his talents

I wouldn't know what that's like

but if I can help him

why can't I help myself

Why can't I treat myself like I treat my own child?

I have talents

I need to believe in myself and my abilities

the way I believe in my kids and their abilities

I could say I don't know how

but I didn't know how to parent an Asperger's child until I had a child with Asperger's syndrome

I didn't scorn my son for being different

I supported him and fostered his uniqueness

All my life I hated myself for being different

With the support and love of my kids I now embrace who I am

distancing myself from anyone who doesn't approve or accept me for who I am

instead of killing myself trying to change their mind

" _I'm the one that's got to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to."-Jimi Hendrix_

I also want to feel free to be who I am

rather than be made to feel bad or have to apologize for it

If I want to move all the furniture so the kids can skate in the living room, that's what we do

If we want to build a fort on a Tuesday to do school work in who can stop us

When my son stops in the produce section to have a conversation with a cantaloupe

we wait on him and inquire how his chat went

Dress shirt, swimsuit, and cowboy boots to the grocery store? Why not!

Dress up mommy's vacuum cleaner and name it Stanley? Go for it!

You met a family of pinecones that wants to vacation at our house for a week? Welcome!

The happiness of my children is my happiness

All other concerns have fallen away

~*~

So worn thin from chronic pain and fatigue

Tried everything from medication, physical therapy

to cutting out food dyes, fast food, and processed foods

Wheat grass juice?

I haven't tried that

I hear it tastes awful but it would be worth it to be free of pain

Even if only for just one day

I've met other people with Fibromyalgia seeking refuge from the pain

My friend Lisa started taking vitamin D

She was feeling pain-free within just a couple days

She suggested it to me because I am always taking about how I feel healthy at the beach

no pain, stress, worry, or anxiety as long as I'm at the beach

How crazy would it be to have been through scores of narcotic pain meds

just to find out all I needed was a vitamin?

I started taking vitamin D

no results yet

My new plan?

Vitamin D, concentrated vitamin B, magnesium, zinc, a gluten free diet, and wheat grass juice

I told you, I don't give up

I will find a way to heal my body and mind

My story doesn't end here

This is where it begins

I see where I have been, what I have survived

I understand who I am and how I came to be this way

I believe the moments and events behind me don't matter as much as what's to come

I can't control the future

I can't change my past

All I can be held accountable for is today

All I can work with is today

I will make today everything it has the potential to be

" _Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end."-unknown_

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