Been married for
about four years.
[cheers]
That shit is stupid.
[laughter]
All you do is argue
all the god damn time.
Is that what we got
married for, to argue?
I thought once you get married,
all that get left behind.
Nah, that shit keep
going, even more.
This shit is stupid.
I shouldn't have
got married then.
What the fuck?
Don't get me wrong, every
relationship argue, every,
boyfriend, girlfriend,
y'all argue.
But these boyfriend and
girlfriend arguments,
they're real.
Like, they're genuine.
Like, I get why you're mad.
Think about it, because
when you're married,
they're petty arguments.
You left the water on.
Bitch, cut if off.
You're right there.
What the fuck?
[laughter]
Why would you
scream down the step
to have me come all the way
up the step to cut it off,
and you're right the fuck there.
Come on, now.
[laughter]
Boyfriend and girlfriend
arguments be passionate.
You know what's about to come.
You know you're about
to get into an argument.
What?
About money, bills.
Why you keep cheating on me?
Shit like that, that's
really fucking arguments.
[laughter]
I see why you're mad.
I get it.
When you're married,
mm-mm, petty as hell.
The other day, me and my
wife argued about who I put
down as my emergency contact.
[laughter]
Mind you, I've been putting
my mother in this spot
all my life.
Now all of a sudden,
since I'm married,
I'm supposed to scratch
her off and put you?
Yes, yes!
Yes, yes.
We in love.
I come first.
I'm in the book.
Nuh-nuh, nuh-nuh.
[laughter]
But you got to think about it.
Y'all not thinking.
Y'all not thinking.
It's stupid.
Think about it.
We're together 24/7.
If I'm dying, bitch,
you're probably dying too.
What the fuck?
[laughter]
Yes, yes, yes.
[laughter]
Now there's two bodies on the
side of the road with two cell
phones going off, because
we put each other the fuck
down as an emergency contact.
Shit is stupid.
I can see our souls
leaving the body.
We're still going
back and forth.
Well, where the ambulance gone?
Bitch, just think about it.
Think about it.
We're both dead.
They can't get in touch with
no fucking body, god damn.
I told you let me
put my mother, shit.
I can see us now, man,
going to heaven or whatever,
still going back and forth.
She looking at me, come
on, let's go this way.
I ain't got to listen
to you no more.
[laughter]
I heard what the preacher
said, till death do us part.
[laughter]
Now it's time to do us and part.
[laughter]
I am out of here.
[applause]
I think they need to change the
whole marriage license thing.
They should.
They should make it equivalent
to, like, a driver's license.
Like, every four years,
you should have the option
if you want to renew
that motherfucker,
you know what I'm saying?
[laughter]
It's on that fourth year,
she getting on your nerves,
all right.
Keep it up.
I'm going to let
this shit expire
if you keep fucking with me.
Going to get me a
new god damn wife.
I ain't got time for this shit.
Every four years, I'm going to
have me new one, you hear me?
[laughter]
You make a lot of
decisions in your life.
You make a lot.
Me getting married, that
was one big decision.
I just made another decision.
I was like, ah, little
question about this one, too.
I don't think I'm a piece
of shit, but I'm just
being honest with y'all.
I recently let my
son move in with us.
He's from a previous
relationship.
Yeah, this was stupid too.
I'm being honest with y'all,
because I was a weekend dad.
When you're a weekend dad, you
get them for a couple of days.
They start getting
on your nerves,
it's time to go home anyway.
You good, you straight.
Now I got to see this little
motherfucker every day.
[laughter]
Let me be honest with y'all.
When I was a weekend
dad, I didn't get him all
the weekends I was supposed to.
Shit happens, you know.
I bought these
tickets months ago.
Shit landed on my weekend.
I'm like, hey, Jay Z in town.
I ain't going to
be able to make it.
So she got a little
attitude, cursed me out,
got mad, so what else.
Now I'm trying to
make up for it,
so I like to talk to him, trying
to get to know him better.
I asked him a couple
questions, and he cursed at me.
Yeah, he [inaudible] himself.
He's 6' 2", he's getting
a little swole, whatever,
he think he probably
can-- you know.
I ain't going to lie, I'm a
little hesitant, because I
ain't in shape at all.
You know, sometimes you
want to scare your child,
give them a little
jump or something,
but I'm scared do that.
He's fucking around
thinking I'm serious.
He's coming back to hit me.
Oh, shit.
[laughter]
So I don't want to take that
chance, you know, so I'm
just going to talk to him.
That's all.
We're just going to talk.
I asked him a couple
questions, and he cursed at me.
Let me know if I was wrong.
I'm like, hey,
man, you know, I'll
be dropping you off at school,
I'm seeing the little girls,
man.
Yeah, they growing up, man.
I see you.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, come on, talk to me.
You got a girlfriend?
He's like, nah.
So you know, nowadays, you got
to ask that other question.
[laughter]
You got a boyfriend?
[laughter]
He said, fuck no.
I said, OK, since you're
that adamant about it,
I'm going to let you slide
with that curse words,
you know what I'm saying?
But if he'd been
like, fuck no, daddy,
I'd have whipped his ass.
Who do you think
you're talking to, man?
