>> ALL RIGHT! THANKS A LOT
EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU.
I'M REALLY HAPPY TO BE BACK ON
THE SHOW.
I HAD A LOT OF FUN LAST TIME AND
WHEN THEY ASKED ME TO DO THE
SHOW THIS TIME I WAS PSYCHED,
BECAUSE THE TIMING IS PERFECT.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF TOUR DATES
LINED UP, GOING TO DIFFERENTLY
CITIES.
I MENTIONED THAT TO THE
PRODUCERS BACKSTAGE, THEY SAID
DON'T MENTION THE CITIES, DON'T
DO COMEDY NOT LIKE A COMMERCIAL,
DON'T SELL MYSELF.
ABSOLUTELY.
I'M A COMEDIAN, I HAVE JOKES,
I'M EXCITED TO TELL THEM, JUST
TO MAKE SURE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
IS DON'T GO OUT THERE AND SAY
FOR EXAMPLE I'M GOING TO BE IN
THREANG CITY ON FEBRUARY 8th
AT THE HARD ROCK CASINO OR
SOMETHING LIKE THAT, THEY SAID,
EXACTLY, DON'T SAY THAT.
I AM NOT GOING TO SAY THAT, SO
HERE WE GO.
I'M GOING TO DO JOKES.
ALL RIGHT, I APPRECIATE THAT.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Pelley:
>> T>> ALL RIGHT, I APPRECIATE T
I HAD A REALLY GOOD CHRISTMAS
THIS YEAR.
HALLOWEEN IS MY FAVORITE.
THAT'S MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY,
THAT'S THE ONLY HOLIDAY YOU
DON'T HAVE TO CELEBRATE WITH
YOUR FAMILY WHICH IS NICE.
YOU NEVER HEAR LIKE WHAT ARE YOU
DOING FOR HALLOWEEN, OH I GOT TO
FLY BACK EAST AND GO TRICK OR
TREATING WITH MY PARENTS.
THAT SUCKS, YES, THEY GOT A
DIVORCE SO I GOT TO BRING TWO
DIFFERENT COSTUMES.
SO THAT'S TOUGH.
LAWFER.
(LAUGHTER)
>> I WONDER IF LEOPARDS LOOK
TRASHY TO OTHER ANIMALS?
KIND OF LIKE UH, YOU GOING TO
WEAR THAT, OKAY.
HEAD TO STOW, WOW, VERY BOLD!
SORRY.
I GOT A DRY MOUTH, SORRY ABOUT
THAT.
(LAUGHTER)
>> I FEEL BETTER, SORRY, I DON'T
KNOW WHETHER IT'S NERVES OR
WHATEVER, IT'S DRY MOUTH.
SOME ANIMALS THEIR NAME IS VERY
INTERESTING BECAUSE IT TELLS YOU
HOW TO BEHAVE WHEN YOU ARE
AROUND THE ANIMAL.
LIKE THE DUCK, YOU KNOW IT'S
LIKE DUCK IF IT'S LYING LOW,
IT'S LIKE DUCK WATCH OUT, OR
BAT, YOU KNOW BAT IT, GET RID OF
IT.
THE BADGER, LIKE BADGER, BOTHER.
BUT SOME ARE TRICKY LIKE THE
LIONS, DO NOT -- YEAH.
AND THE BLOW FISH, DEFINITELY --
WITH
(LAUGHTER)
>> THAT'S A TRICK, THAT'S A
TRICK.
I WENT TO A RESTAURANT LAST WEEK
THAT WAS FARM TO TABLE TO
TOILET.
OH, I CAN'T REMEMBER MY NEXT,
I'M SORRY, I CAN'T REMEMBER MY
NEXT BIT, LET ME CHECK MY NOTES,
EMBARRASSING.
(LAUGHTER)
>> NO.
(APPLAUSE)
>> IT MIGHT BE THE OTHER SIDE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW!
(APPLAUSE)
>> I THINK IT'S IN MY OTHER
PANTS.
WHATEVER, I THINK I REMEMBER
ANYWAY.
I WAS AT A DINNER PARTY A COUPLE
OF WEEKS AGO AND I HAD TO GO TO
THE BATHROOM.
I SAID CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM,
YES, IT'S RIGHT THERE, RIGHT
NEXT TO THE DINING ROOM, THAT'S
OKAY.
I'M OLD ENOUGH I USUALLY KNOW
HOW TO TURN TON LIGHT IN THE
BATHROOM, SOMETIMES I'LL GO IN
IN THE DARK, I GOT THIS.
I WENT IN AND I CLOSED THE DOOR
AND IT WAS DARK FOR A LONG TIME
BECAUSE I WAS LIKE FONDLING THE
WALL.
THE SWITCH WAS OUTSIDE THE
BATHROOM.
WHAT KIND OF CONTROL FREAK HAS
THE LIGHT SWITCH OUTSIDE THE
BATHROOM?
IS THAT LIKE SOMEONE IS TAKING
TOO LONG?
OKAY THE SHOW'S OVER, PICK IT
UP, JUST NUMBER 1S IN MY HOUSE,
ALL RIGHT?
YEAH, I FEEL HOT.
I DON'T KNOW, THE STUDIO LIGHTS,
YOU'RE BACKSTAGE IT'S NOT THAT
HOT.
I JUST WANT TO TAKE MY JACKET
OFF.
SORRY.
OH YES, THANKS.
NOW I'M HOLDING A JACKET.
THIS IS AWKWARD.
LET ME JUST HANG IT UP.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
OKAY.
BE
(APPLAUSE)
>> OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.
THE OTHER DAY, THIS WOMAN SAID
TO ME, SHE ASKED ME WHAT MA
MAN-SPLAINING WAS, I WAS LIKE
NICE TRY, I HAVE NO IDEA.
I LIKE SPORTS BARS BECAUSE THEY
COLLECT ALL THE PEOPLE I DON'T
WANT TO HANG OUT WITH, AND THEY
PUT THEM IN ONE ROOM.
IT'S KIND OF COOL.
(APPLAUSE)
>> I DIDN'T EVEN SAY HI.
HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, WHAT'S GOING
ON?
>> I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO DO SO
WELL WITH NORTH HAMPTON,
MASSACHUSETTS ON MAY NINTH.
>> THANKS MAN, I APPRECIATE
THAT.
>> IF YOU ADD THE WORD ADULT TO
ANYTHING, IT MAKES IT SEEM
SEXUAL, MAKES IT SOUND KIND OF
SEXY.
ADULT BOOKS, ADULT FILMS, ADULT
ACTORS.
BUT NOT DIAPERS.
DIAPERS DOESN'T HAVE THE SAME
RING TO IT YOU KNOW LIKE, JUST
WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M WEARING
ADULT DIAPERS.
IS THAT GOOD?
WELL LET'S JUST SAY I HAVE A
LITTLE TROUBLE CONTROLLING
MYSELF.
SOON I'LL BE MOVING INTO AN
ADULT FACILITY.
OH, MY SHOE IS UNTIED.
I DON'T WANT TO TRIP UP HERE,
I'M SORRY, I GOT TO TIE MY SHOE
REAL QUICK.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
>> COOL, ALL RIGHT, GREAT, I'M
ALMOST DONE.
MY BIOLOGICAL PARENTS GET MAD AT
ME WHEN I CALL THEM THAT.
(LAUGHTER)
>> I HAVE AN L SHAPED SOFA AT
HOME, LOWER-CASE.
THAT'S IT.
THANKS EVERYBODY!
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME I
APPRECIATES IT.
>> James: DEMETRI MARTIN,
EVERYONE!
HE'S ON THE "WANDERING MIND"
TOUR.
TOUR DATES AND TICKETS AT
demetrimartin.com
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
