

Oops! The 9 Ways We Screw Up Our Toddlers  
Michelle Smith, M.S. SLP

Copyright ©2015 by Michelle Smith  
Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system, without written permission from the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in critical articles or reviews. For information regarding permission, go to www.LifeWithToddlers.com.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015902171

The S5 Publishing Group, McKinney, TX

ISBN-13: 978-0-9816348-7-6 • ISBN-10: 0-9816348-7-7

Cover design by Chris Smith. Interior design, illustrations, and charts by Chris Smith.

First Edition

For my baby loves,

You teach me more than I teach you.

Je t'aime de tout mon coeur.

Get free printable Toddler Behavior Charts, Reward Charts, Potty Training charts and much more at www.ToddlerABC.com

### Contents

Introduction: Don't Screw it Up!

Getting Over Our Defenses

Idealistic Views: What Happened?

Training Kids to Fail

Over-indulgent Parenting? Us? Nooooo!

For Toddler Parents and Beyond

Chapter One: Worship the Helicopter

What Happens if We Hover?

Cognitive Processes: Use That Noggin!

Stop the Madness

Chapter Two: Inspire Laziness

Never Seen a Broom

Debilitating Lazy

Make Them Work? Surely You Jest

No Judgment, Just Reality

Chapter Three: Train Entitlement

Indulgences, Indulgences

Snotty-Kid Syndrome

Cheesecake Lesson

Caving-In

Demands

Attention: Too Much or Too Little?

Chapter Four: Squash Independence

Don't Do Anything for Yourself, Mommy's Got This

Rescue or Conquer the Walk?

Chapter Five: Forego Guidance

Just Who is Guiding Who?

Guidance and the Ability to Complete Tasks Independently

Consequences Stink

Guidance and Social Behavior

Guidance and Moral Behavior

Bad Behavior Makes Mommy Sad

Nonverbal Communication

Bad Guy Syndrome: Nice Parents Earn Disrespect

Must I Really Put Down My Coffee?

Chapter Six: Teach Everyone Wins

Medals for Everyone!

Food: It's Not Fair!

Boo!

It Starts with Toys and Birthdays

Chapter Seven: Teach Irresponsibility

When Do We Stop Doing Everything For Them?

Speaking of the Long Term . . .

I Didn't Do It

The Blame Game

Phones, Texting, & Electronic Yuk

Chapter Eight: Encourage Back Talk and Yelling

Whining

Expectations

Communication, Escalating Brain, & Anger

Negotiate This, Buck-o

I Don't Know!

Yelling

Unspoken Message

Yelling is Not Discipline

Is it a Societal Thing?

Teaching Kids to Yell

Listening Button Gets Turned OFF

Chapter Nine: Put Kids First

The Price of Adorable

The Value of Comfort

Can't Buy Me Love

Here, Let Me Feed That Ego

I Do it Myself!

About the Author

Acknowledgements

To Laura Conley, super-woman of editing, thank you for going way above and beyond. Your perspective and insight was a blessing.

Luanne, thank you for the insight and giving me ten pages of notes on that two hour drive to fifth grade camp. Yes, it took that long to write this! You are an inspiration.

Chris, it just so happens that as I write this, it is our 20th anniversary. Life with you is never dull and always special. Thank you for taking care of me. I felt blessed the day we married and still feel blessed to this day.

Introduction: Don't Screw it Up!

We get home from the hospital with our new bundle feeling elated, sore, determined, and scared out of our wits all at the same time. We're still riding the new baby high and are confident we will surely be able to care for something we instantly love so much. But at the same time, how the heck do we do that? There is no guide book that covers it all and no way to encompass the emotions. We are given no adequate course or training, and we aren't required to have a license. Any dumb-dumb can become a parent, and that's a scary thought. _We_ are not dumb-dumbs, of course, but after a few months, you start thinking how easy it is to screw it all up.

So my first piece of advice to you sweet young parents is very basic: don't screw it up. By reading this book, I assume you're on board and we can safely have these conversations without fear of you chucking something sharp at me, yes? I may use very straightforward language, but I do not judge you or your parenting. I'm only trying to have fun here and hopefully keep you from tripping into the pit of suckiness that we parents find ourselves in a little more often than we'd like. You may feel guilty now, telling the little critters "no," but just wait. Eventually you're usual thinking will be something along the lines of, "Hmmm . . . I suppose I should feed them something green once a week and not holler, 'crap!' in front of them." (They will repeat it, I swear.) You'd never dream it, but you will indeed relax in your parenting intensity and succumb to "that's good enough."

Toddler moms, this book is a mental leap in time. You'll have to stretch your mind to long term, because if we don't want to screw up the poor darlings by school age, we have to start as toddlers. No joke. It seems crazy, but the parenting habits we form early are the ones that can kick us in the bootie later.

Getting Over Our Defenses

**An important note:** This book isn't about what to _do_ ; it's about what to avoid. I've written plenty on how to address behavior at different ages, so don't expect this to be chocked full of step by step instruction. Those are in my books _Life with Toddlers, Toddler ABC Guide to Discipline_ , and _Tiger Tamer_. This particular book hops onto a soapbox that I normally try to avoid (success is relative on that score). However, one can only dance around the elephant in the room for so long before our feet must stop tip-toeing. So let's adventure into what not to do!

There are always those of us who feel demeaned or condescended when blunt opinions are given on our parenting. Family members in particular feel at liberty to indulge for some reason. When told to stop what we are doing if we want to see changes in our child's behavior, well, it gets the dander up. First off, who says we want to see changes? Did we actually ask for advice? No! So don't attempt to tell me what I'm doing wrong, because I'm the first in line to defensively yell, "No, I am NOT doing that!" To admit fault is on par with running down the street naked. Guilt, shame, embarrassment, ridicule. Ugh. Forget that!

I'm wholeheartedly on your side. I do not, however, have time to sugar coat everything for delicate sensibilities. In this book, we will delve into what we are actually doing wrong and why that's important. While we might get rather depressed or feel beat over the head with guilt, let's ease up on ourselves, shall we? The point of this book is to poke fun at our inadequacies and laugh while doing so. The never ending guilt we feel as parents is a good thing. It keeps us in check. But we should keep our sense of humor. We need to reflect on those guilt producers only so we can figure out what we're doing wrong and possibly consider a better approach to parenting.

Once we name that less-than-ideal approach, we can figure out how to take positive action. But we have to put the beast on the table first. Stare at it. Look objectively. What _are_ we doing wrong? Hopefully, since I am of no relation to you and bear you no ill-will (as long as your kid doesn't come up and bite me on the arm), we can strip down the defenses and have a good time tackling the beast.

Idealistic Views: What Happened?

When our kids first pop out, we have very idealistic views on how our life will go. A baby doesn't do anything but cry for his or her needs. This can get exasperating and tiresome, and we're not perfect at it (i.e., stick them in a bouncy seat and ignore the crap out of them), but we haven't ruined them yet. So we feed and diaper, keep them from leaping off the balcony or falling into a pool . . . these kinds of things. We work our life around keeping them safe and healthy.

Then they grow up. There is certainly a percentage of young adults who blow us out of the water with their creativity, talent, intellect, drive, and motivation. But the interesting part is the gap between those kids and the kids on the opposite end of the spectrum. Where is the middle ground? Looking around, I see a much higher percentage of kids who are as sweet as granny's lemon pie, but my gosh, they really resist getting off the couch, pursuing an education, and moving out. So what happened?! Many parents even went overboard with their involvement while their kids were young, trying to avoid this very thing. Hello confusion!

From the outside looking in, I can see a few things. People come to me in a frenzy of oh-my-gosh-what-went-wrong-and-help! But after getting a little history, the answer is quite easy to see. We often enable our children and handicap their growth. I see it in schools all the time. As a speech therapist, I consistently go to meetings where parents insist on coddling the kids, the school caves to demands, and nobody learns a darn thing. It's so crazy right now that if a middle or high school student flunks a test, he's got umpteen chances to make up that grade. Does the real world allow us that many chances to be accepted to our college of choice, re-do a presentation at work, or eight chances to raise our kids right? I think not.

When I was in high school a hundred years ago, if we flunked a test, we were lucky dogs if our teacher let us come in after school for extra work or allowed us to write a paper to help boost our grade. Now it's the norm. Our society gives kids so many chances to make up for any mistakes that we are training them that it's okay to fail.

Training Kids to Fail

You heard me right. We are training them to fail. By not allowing them to experience the consequences of failure, we rob them of learning from the experience! Kids are not taught how failure feels or the value of motivation. Worse yet, by giving so many rewards for so little effort on their part, we are telling them to expect the big, bad world to roll over and scratch their belly for the slightest accomplishment.

Giving chance after chance does not teach our kids that sometimes, you don't get a second chance. What happens then? Since they know no different, they move on to the next thing. Pretty soon they're job hopping (if they even get a job in the first place) and constantly asking for money. No one has a clue that it can be traced back to preschool and grade school, when we did everything but dance a jig to get our kids to succeed and then drowned them with accolades. Trophies for everyone! Kindergarten graduations complete with gowns, caps, and diplomas. Fifth grade graduation parties with no less than melted chocolate fountains with heaps of fruit to dunk. Awards, awards, awards! And if your kid is a flat-out pain in the toot, they'll still think of something to reward him with.

Not only are the excessive rewards training our kids that you don't have to lift more than a pinky to get them, the punishments are pathetic, driving home the reverse idea that you can get away with anything short of smoking crack in front of the principal. Start back with tantrums, my friends! When you let them get away with acting out, you teach them that it's okay and there are no consequences—at least, none that actually matter. A tap on the finger or "please don't do that" doesn't always work! Consequences need to suck. They need to be thoughtfully painful enough that the kid has a mental "ouch" and thinks twice before kicking a sibling, yelling at you in a tantrum, or blowing off their homework. Otherwise, all they're learning is that it's super cool when the world revolves around them.

Over-indulgent Parenting? Us? Nooooo!

I know we love the little doodle bugs and can't stand to refuse that eighth popsicle, but indulging our toddler's every whim is detrimental and starts a pattern of unhealthy behavior. I nearly fell over dead when I heard some news show talk about kids who have been so hand-held through life that Mom updates the resume and picks out their clothes. She even calls the manager when her baby gets a poor performance review.

Yes, I know our kids are fabulous, sweet, and talented. But when we encourage and congratulate too much, we mold a kid who thinks they do no wrong. Our poor child will one day get into the work force, and when told they did something incorrect, they burst into tears.

One manager told me that these kids will flat out say "What's in it for me?" when it comes to crunch time during a project. Extra work hours? Are you kidding? No way are they doing that. So they think nothing of giving their superior grief over putting in the slightest bit of extra effort. A superior who, by the way, knows what it takes to support a family. So when these young adults say, "What's in it for me?" he replies, "How about a paycheck?"

As thoughtful caregivers, let's stop this right now. Let's identify how we are failing our kids and avoid causing them future struggles and suffering. If you happen to _be_ a person who has been raised by an over-indulgent parent, are you ready to step into the role of raising your own kids? Coddling our children may seem so right and effective at the moment, but it turns ugly if we don't set limits and let some failure occur. Now wait! We aren't talking about horrible failure—don't panic at the thought—just some basic life lessons to promote independence. It is very possible to be loving, stable, and effective teachers. Just remember that we do our little ducklings no favors by instructing them that the world will roll over for their happiness.

For Toddler Parents and Beyond

This book is written for toddler parents, since that is the time to get the boat steered in the right direction. However, if you have any school-aged kids, you could benefit from a peek through the pages. If you are a parent and have the slightest bit of influence left, go for it. I know that as kids age, we get set in our parenting ways. It takes a mighty dire situation for us to sit down and try to change, but it's never too late to stop the pattern of teaching our kids how to be immature and helpless.

Now, don't get me wrong—these are great kids we're talking about. Kids who are sweet and engaging people, but they somehow got the idea that they don't have to do anything for themselves. We try so hard to protect our kids from harm, ease their way in this world and make their life cush, that we miss the boat and accidentally ram our children straight into being irresponsible, lazy, self-indulgent, entitlement-oriented people. "But they're just so sweet!" you say. Let me tell you, "sweet" won't go far with people who don't already adore them. It won't get us anywhere either, except supporting our thirty-year-old children who can't seem to make their way in this world. And that stinks.

Chapter One: Worship the Helicopter

Ever hear of Helicopter Parenting? Yeah. That thing we do all the time: hover over their every move, show them what toys to play with, how to play with them, and chase them around with a bite of food.

While the kids we crank out with this method are super sweet, they are also prone to be depressed as they enter adulthood. They can't manage their time (we've done it for them their entire lives), figure out what they want (we've picked everything for them), or face the cruel world and job market. Every single day since they were babies, we've told them how superior they are in every way. So it sucks when rejection comes, or a tough economy hits, and they can't achieve financial success or comfort as quickly as they'd like.

Parents who hover rob their kids of important life lessons. Of course we don't want our children hurt. Of course we want them to succeed. Of course we don't want them to make the same mistakes we did or suffer the same painful consequences. But because we are so laser-focused on this, we miss the big picture. Kids are supposed to make mistakes and suffer painful consequences! How else do they learn?

As much as we hope and pray that our kids will magically absorb all we do for them and hit adulthood with motivation, drive, confidence, and skill, it doesn't work that way. How did we learn that we didn't want our kids to suffer? Because we did, right? Back up and read those two sentences again. We _learned_ because we _suffered_. Ding, ding, ding! Very difficult to have one without the other. So depriving our kids of suffering has deprived them of learning, no matter how genuine our intent to be kind. It's a horrible mental struggle for parents. One of my college professors once said, "I may let you fall, but I won't let you hurt yourself." Surely we too can balance helping them learn from life's lessons with protecting our kids from true harm.

What Happens if We Hover?

This starts with babies! How many of us went through the agony of letting our baby cry themselves to sleep? No doubt this was only after months of tending to their every whimper in the hopes that they would feel secure in our love. Why didn't it work? Why can't they go to sleep without us rocking, holding, patting, and actually lying right next to them? Because we train them that THAT is how they are supposed to get to sleep!

Learning to comfort yourself to sleep is a skill that is born of necessity. Most babies will only do it when they are forced. And we are the only ones who can force them. It's horribly sad and painful, mostly to the parent sitting outside the bedroom door listening to their precious child suffer through this. But the end result is a child who is more at peace and more secure. We cannot get so caught up in protecting our kids from every bump in the road that we deny them the basic stepping stones of development—their coping skills.

Let's dissect the consequences of hovering over our kids. Where does it make our adult-kids end up? What coping skills could they be missing?

1. Motivation

2. Time Management

3. Coping with everyday life stressors

4. Thinking for themselves; working through problems

5. Dealing with consequences

6. Completing tasks without guidance

7. Emotional security

8. Dealing with disappointment

9. Independently creating a stable environment

10. Conflict negotiation

11. Humility

12. Downsizing comfort level

You might feel overwhelmed or think this list is scary, but remember, most of us don't feel self-assured in our parenting abilities. We learn by doing, and we are freakishly scared of messing it up. But that's the beauty! Because you care enough to think ahead, you care enough to be thoughtful in your parental attitude. When it comes to your child, you have no qualms about doing what is best, even if that means looking in the mirror and changing the way you do things.

Looking at the list above, how do we define these skills and why are they important? We're going to look at them by overarching processes or skill sets. We will touch on each one throughout the book as they apply to each chapter heading. Keep in mind, this is a musical chairs list! Each one can have a direct affect on another. Below they are grouped in slightly different ways as a quick example.

Cognitive Processes: Use That Noggin!

**Motivation and creating a stable environment (without mommy and daddy's help).** When parents always give, the kid never "needs. "If they don't "need" then why in heaven's name would this motivate someone to go through six years of college? Especially since he would only be able to afford a tiny apartment with no space to stretch your legs or accommodate a media system. And worse, (gasp!—the horror) no one to do your laundry, clean the toilet, and make your meals? Forget that.

. . . In adulthood, this means you've got a thirty-something adult who lacks motivation and cannot create a stable environment for a family of his own without the help of his parents: down payment on a house, car payments, or assistance getting a job. Parents still pay for phone bills and insurance (after all, they started making those payments years ago, might as well continue and help the little Boo Boo out).

**Managing time and schedules.** How do we seem to ruin our kids' ability to do this? First, we over-schedule the poor things, so they don't even have time to think, much less figure out, where they're going next. From the get-go, we put them in class after class, activity after activity. Why? Because we're bored. Because we want them stimulated. Because we'll feel like a loser if we don't have them in just as many classes as the kid next door.

Over time, our children learn to just go along. They may whine and tantrum every now and then from over-stimulation, but they get used to it. They follow your lead because they know no different. And there's no need for them to actually keep up with this mental juggling, because you are the one who schedules it all and dictates where they go and when. Since they have no choice in the matter, they never learn the skills to do it. By the time they are in middle school, if you don't do it for them, it would never get done at all. They could care less how many hours you spend coordinating. It just magically happens. We never make our kids figure out how they will manage homework and after school practices or how we will get the equipment; we simply tell them what to do and when, and waltz home with all the bags of crap they need. See? Magic.

. . . In adulthood, this translates into an inability to figure out schedules on their own. How will they do laundry and study for a test in the same day? How will they juggle a part-time job with college classes? Depression and anxiety can be high, because they do not have the skills to manage their time.

**Dealing with Disappointment, Coping with Everyday Life Stressors, and Emotional Security.** When you can't manage your time, think through problems, or realize consequences, the outcome is overwhelming. To the hovered-over child, life—and all the little decisions that comprise getting along daily—is too much to handle. Mom and dad have provided a cocoon of love and well-being, effectively erasing any need to develop self-comfort skills.

. . . In adulthood, this translates into the high depression and anxiety rates among college students and adults. Where one would normally dive into some chocolate after a fight with a boyfriend, or get drunk after a break-up, instead you've got young adults who literally cannot function because they have no idea how to deal with the hurt. When parents ruin every opportunity to learn how to deal with stress, you end up with an adult who lacks emotional security and has to spend years in therapy just to figure out how to cope day to day. That is ridiculous, sad, and completely unnecessary! These are beautiful, smart, and perfectly capable people. Life is hard enough. There is a point at which love becomes an excuse to smother a child's emotional development to death.

**Thinking for Themselves/Working Through Problems.** How many times have you had a young adult check you out at a store and have no idea how to proceed if there is one itty bitty hickey in the system? Something pops up on their screen and they follow the directions. Do as the computer says! Sometimes the check-out process starts with, "What is your zip code," or "What is your phone number?" Heaven help us if you refuse to give this information!

First of all, they have no idea why you would refuse. Second, they cannot think through what to do next. They'll act like a deer in headlights for a solid ten seconds before I generally have to walk them through how to proceed. "Punch in a random number so you can get past that question and actually ring me up." They often still give me a blank stare, so I will literally have to rattle off a ten digit string of numbers just so they don't fall over and faint right there. That is cognitive processing, and we are killing it in our kids. By not making them think through functional, daily problems, they grow up lacking the skill.

. . . In adulthood, this translates into inability to rely on their own brain to solve a problem. Strip them of an electronic device to solve it for them, and they are lost. How do you baste a turkey? What should you do if you have a grease fire? What if you have a nail in your tire? A rip in your pants? A square peg you must fit into a round hole? If you can't look it up on your phone, how do you figure it out?

**Dealing with Consequences.** In school, we challenge our kids to be academically superior. But we also give them every advantage possible. Fail a test? You can retake it next week. Do poorly on a report? Just make corrections and hand it back in. Grades in math stink? Tutoring is available two days a week before or after school, whichever is easiest for you!

Unfortunately, the real world doesn't work this way. Consequences happen every day, and because we learn as we go, they often suck. This is an extremely tough pill to swallow for coddled kids, since mommy and daddy have shielded them their whole lives.

. . . In adulthood, this means we don't get our hand held by our boss (doing a crappy job at work equals unemployment). We don't get everything handed to us on a silver platter, and if we fail to live up to our responsibilities, life will make us suffer the consequences.

**Completing tasks without guidance.** Can these kids get through the day without calling mommy for advice? What have we done?! Listen, I'm the first to say that I will crumble when my chickens leave the nest and go out on their own, but I'm also the first to say that they are supposed to! They are supposed to fly by themselves, and if a momma bird never pushes that baby out of the nest, how will he learn?

I love the idea of my kids needing me and wanting me in their lives. It's a nightmare to imagine they would feel distant and think nothing of going two weeks without checking in with me. But I also want to throw up at the thought of parents having such a tight leash that the poor child (excuse me, _adult_ -child) can't go one day without calling mommy regarding what suit to wear to work.

. . . In adulthood, this translates into emotional weakness and lack of self-confidence. Hover-parents would argue that they love the involvement and are just acting as an advocate for their child. I'm sure the kids would back that up, but what happens when Mr. Perfect Son meets his Mrs. Perfect? Mrs. Perfect isn't going to enjoy sharing her bed with a husband who can't detach his ear from the phone call with mommy. Ick! Parents, time to cut that umbilical cord and let your child have a life of his own.

**Conflict negotiation.** This generally equates to arguments or flat-out melt-downs. Kids who have been hovered over innocently think they are a gift to the universe. They've been raised on this little bit of wisdom, so it must be true! So when they flunk a college course, they go to the teacher with the only bit of conflict resolution they know: "I did my best. Is there anything we can do?" When that teacher answers back, "Your best wasn't good enough, and no," it must mean that the teacher is either off his rocker or hates the kid's guts, right? What's the alternative answer? That confused student couldn't possibly have earned that grade or treatment. Mommy said so.

. . . In adulthood, this translates into the 22-year-old college graduate who has no idea how to resolve a disagreement with a co-worker at that super-exciting first job. They either break down in tears, because (oh my gosh) someone doesn't like them, or they argue how pitifully stupid that other person is, because this particular 22-year-old college graduate is wise beyond his years and knows everything. How crazy that someone should disagree!

**Humility.** It never fails. The kid wearing the "I'm totally awesome" t-shirt is about the most disorganized, unkempt, babied, and immature piece of work walking. What possesses a parent to buy such a thing? Because I know the kid didn't buy it with his own hard-earned money. My husband would laugh at me taking such offense to a clearly unintentional breach of etiquette and decorum, but at what point do people start giving a crap and making it known? Good grief.

. . . In adulthood, this translates into that 28-year-old who turns 30, then 35, then 37, and oh look! Still no steady job or life of his own because he's just too good to settle for less than what mom and dad have provided all his life. Thinking you are the best thing in town is a set-up for failure. Without humility, conceit takes over, causing kids to buckle under the weight of real-world expectations.

**Downsizing comfort level.** There was a time when kids grew up in small houses with tiny bedrooms and no personal space. It was awesome to finally break free and try to embrace independence. Your own place and your own grown-up bills was the epitome of feeling "adult."

Now, however, personal space is expected, and we do so much for our kids that it never really occurs to them that they will have to do with less at some point in their lives. We are raising kids who have no desire to give up their room in your house and they certainly aren't keen on buying their own food or paying their own bills. And if they don't have to, why should they want to? We've given them no reason.

Stop the Madness

Are we starting to get the picture here that too much help from parents undermines our children's competence? This starts with the best of intentions when our kids are babies. But we keep it up and keep it up and one day open our eyes to an adult baby on our hands. As our child has grown, we seem to have forgotten to adjust our parenting style and discipline to be age appropriate.

Mistakes are part of parenting. We can't be so afraid to make them—or so afraid that our kids will make them—that we change the entire dynamic of child-rearing and raise kids who are unable to cope without us. We love our kids to pieces. But we turn that into meddling. We squash their desire for independence. We smother their drive to learn and discover. We inadvertently mold an incapable human being, then keep them on a fishing pole so they can't swim too far or get into too much trouble.

So let's take a good, hard look at our parenting. Let's look at what inhibits healthy growth, and figure out how to avoid it.

Chapter Two: Inspire Laziness

We live in Texas where everything is large and affordable, but by any standards, houses in my friend Amy's uppity neighborhood are big, nice, and indulgent. Given the extra money floating around, some of the kids turn out a bit spoiled. We're used to that in this community, and we just roll our eyes, shake our head, and say a quick prayer that the kids will wake up one day and suddenly get over their self-importance. But my innocent ears were assaulted when Amy told me that one eight-year-old neighbor who was over for a play date questioned Amy using a broom. "What is that?" the kid inquires. Amy looks up in puzzlement. Did she have a garlic press sticking out of her pocket? A booger hanging from her nose? A quick inspection revealed nothing unusual or inappropriate. Just a broom in her hands and a filthy kitchen floor to sweep. "Umm . . . a broom. I'm just sweeping the floor," she voices with confusion. The kid gives her a blank stare before blurting with genuine incredulity, " _Why?_ "

Never Seen a Broom

Great balls of fire! The kid had never seen a broom! She had certainly never seen her parents use a broom and apparently had no idea that human beings leave a kitchen floor accumulated with crazy things like crumbs, dirt, and dog hair. What is wrong with this picture? When Amy brought the incident up with mom (in an appropriately joking way), mom just laughed and shrugged, "Well, our housekeeper usually comes when the kids aren't home, so I guess they've never actually seen her clean!" Ha ha. Yes, so cute. The little darlings have no idea that someone else has to clean up after them. Can't wait to tell Grandma that funny story.

People, what is wrong with us?! Are you kidding me? Why aren't the kids sweeping the floor? Do they have too many ballet classes to run to? Golf lessons? Horses to ride? If they're old enough to inquire as to the use of a broom, they should be introduced to the task.

It's all about undermining motivation and time management skills.

When children are not motivated, they don't work. If they don't do work, they don't gain knowledge on _how_ to do work. If they don't know how, they can't manage time as they get older because they don't have information and skill sets to problem solve and get everyday tasks complete. They need to know about chores! How do you sort laundry and run the washer? What happens if you get a stain on your favorite pants? How do you get soda out of carpet? How do you cook chicken? It's all about prepping them for independence and making their life easier. If they don't have basic home-keeping skills, what happens when they are on their own?

Debilitating Lazy

My friend's step-child got kicked out of his fraternity in college—a fraternity which has a huge portrait of his grandfather in a prominent place on the wall. This frat house basically rolled out the red carpet for him to join. But you know what he did that made the other guys mad? Nothing. Literally. He didn't lift a finger to help clean. He refused to do his own laundry, clean up the kitchen, clean his room, or complete his assigned chores. Great kid, mind you. He's funny, smart, and a great conversationalist, but he was flat out lazy. No motivation! He failed his classes, refused to get a job, and refused to clean. So he flunked out of college and limped home to a mom who swept up after him, made his bed, fed him, didn't make him do diddly squat. She also had no idea these "loving" actions were a huge contributor to his problem.

My friend cried and cried over this boy. Both her husband and the kid's mom have a solid work ethic. But they somehow missed the boat in motivating him to work, passing on the value of responsibility and independence. Dad finally saw the light and wanted to help the kid get back on track, but every time he and my friend tried to impart some good sense and judgment, they got screamed at by the mother: How dare you make my child earn his keep! You can't just up and change the rules! That's not fair! Let him move back in with me and I'll take care of him, since you clearly don't care about his well-being!

My friend cried over the loss of this child's independence. She cried over his failure at school. She cried over his future. She cried because she DOES care. She cares whether he will ever get a steady job, or whether he will learn that food doesn't just magically appear in the fridge and sheets don't magically get washed by a laundry elf. How is this child ever going to learn if no one makes him do anything? Answer: he won't. He won't learn responsibility, he won't learn how to be free of his parents, and he won't learn to get off his bootie and make something of himself. This is a terrible waste of a wonderful human being.

Make Them Work? Surely You Jest

So why is it that, with all we do to keep our kids busy and _not_ inspire laziness, we end up doing just that? Well, let's think about this. How about the fact that we are so used to cleaning up our toddler's blocks that we don't even consider making them help? The one time we do give it a try, we have more of a mess than when we started and a wailing child to boot. To heck with that. It's easier to do it ourselves.

Believe me, I hear you. And I would agree completely if I didn't know how this looks five or six years later. When we keep them endlessly busy with this class and that, we feel so bad for making them run around that we don't make them set the table or take out the trash.

Overall, we feel it's no big deal for us to pick up the slack "this one time." That is, until it becomes a habit. Then the one weekend you'd like everyone to pitch in and clean up the house, you find that the child either has no freaking idea how to actually mop a floor, or they throw such a fit that you end up in a screaming match over, "Why is it so hard to help me out from time to time?!"

I'll tell you why it's so hard. Because someone (we aren't placing blame here, but you get the picture) never makes them. We never motivate them by making it worth their while (ever hear of no electronics until it's done?) or help them see the value of the work; baseball gloves don't get lost if they are put away, and uniforms aren't dirty on game day if you wash them ahead of time. Without this guidance, why the heck would they be motivated to help or act responsibly? Who cares that mom and/or dad busts their bums daily to provide a good life for the kid? Who cares that they will need some life skills when they're older? Who cares about any of it?

Children will not care unless they are taught the value. And realistically, it's difficult for parents to care, either. It's just too far out to see. When our kids are toddlers, the immediate goal is simply getting through the day without tears of our own or falling over from exhaustion. There is no room to contemplate how our present actions will affect our future child. We get so caught up in our daily lives that the big picture is lost, but the big picture is important! The big picture is our children actually having a desire to be responsible and make a life for themselves.

No Judgment, Just Reality

Listen, there's no judgment here. We all do the best we can at the time. But sometimes you don't get a second chance. Our kids do not understand that. They're young, full of life, ego, and big ideas. They also think they're too tired to help out around the house. And for a list of reasons only a therapist can appreciate, we let them get away with taking little to no interest in their environment beyond how much entertainment it can provide. And plink! There goes our chance to teach them the value of responsibility and the teamwork of family. The window of opportunity comes and goes, taking our child's desire for independence with it.

My friend Cheryl took a unique approach to teaching her child that laziness doesn't fly. One night, her fourth grade daughter, Lacy, decided to skip washing the dishes. When asked why, Lacey honestly replied, "I didn't feel like it." Cheryl gave a wide-eyed and confounded, "Hunh," but didn't punish Lacy. The next day after school, I happened to be in the office and noticed Lacy waiting on a chair. Apparently, Cheryl hadn't picked her up in carpool as she normally did.

I knew Lacy would be fine at school if I left, but it was very uncharacteristic of Cheryl. I frantically texted her, "Are you okay? Do you need me to take Lacy home?" She texted back, "Oh no. I'm just teaching her a lesson."

Ten minutes later, Cheryl strolled into the office, with Lacy hopping all over her, "Why didn't you pick me up on time? I've been waiting in the office forever!" Cheryl casually shrugged and said, "I didn't feel like it."

Hats off to a parent who can skip a lecture in favor of a creative way to teach a child that others rely on you to do your part in a family unit. When you decide not to participate, you make someone else's life harder. Whether it's due to lack of knowledge on child discipline, or our belief that they have their whole life to figure out how important responsibilities are, we somehow create children who think it is okay to check out physically and mentally.

Kids will always need you for many of life's little comforts. Without being a jerk about it, adopt a loving but firm stance and expect them to behave when they are little and do their part. Otherwise, as they age, it will be expected that you unfailingly provide their indulgences. They may get ticked off from time to time, but a mature and thoughtful parent like you would rather have them upset with you than wait for them to be assaulted by the big bad world. The world doesn't care a lick for your child and will "guide" them the in the most difficult way possible. Don't let that happen! You can lovingly foster their motivation by teaching them the value of work.

Chapter Three: Train Entitlement

Many parents tend to give kids all they've got. Would you agree? Like any parent, we want the best for our children. The difference is we're a bit more privileged. We have more so we give more. In my community, it's nothing for kids to walk around with the latest in mobile phone technology and sport ridiculously expensive designer handbags. Everything is embroidered with their initials and big name shoes are a full day's wages—the parent's wages, mind you. Our darling offspring wouldn't dream of working to earn money, and worse, we wouldn't dream of letting them. Here's the problem: when they believe they deserve everything, they won't develop the skills to get what they need. As they age, this produces anxiety and stress. Bottom line:

Entitlement undermines their ability to cope with everyday life stressors!

Indulgences, Indulgences

Parents tend to set expectations that daily comforts just poof out of the air. It's almost surreal how we get used to paying this or paying that without a single thought of including our kids in the process of getting this stuff.

My husband's grandfather once had to borrow his sister's high heels to walk to school, because his shoes were so worn out that he had nothing to put on his feet. The story was told in fits of giggles by a family member, and while it is hilarious to think of this hairy little child trudging to school in heels, the thoughts of your average person immediately go elsewhere. Why didn't he just refuse and go barefoot? Moreover, why on earth didn't he have another pair of shoes?

It's easy to forget that owning even three or four pairs of shoes is a luxury. Our kids certainly don't know this. I'm not saying that we should deny our children comforts and security, but there is a valuable lesson in learning that those comforts originate from the hard work of parents and caregivers. Most kids have no freaking idea, nor do they care. And not because they aren't capable of caring, but because we don't _tell_ them. We just give and give and give and do not teach them that goods come from labor.

Oh, sure, we go on and on about how expensive stuff is, but we still get it for them. We start with buying our four-month-old that $20 pair of designer booties. But as they age, the booties become a toy. Then a collection of movies. Then birthday parties complete with live farm animals on our lawn. Bottom line, it doesn't matter how much it costs beyond a little lecture. They will still get what they want and it pays to be persistent, cry a little, whine a little, or just be sweet. What parent wouldn't give in to that?

And here's the toddler mom alert: this is the time to change entitlement thinking! When we spoil our kids, we crush their sense of community and fail to teach compassion, patience, and independence. You might think it a long stretch to jump from giving in to a fit over a stuffed animal to a child without compassion and independence, but think about it. It's not just one time that we do this. We do it over and over until it's routine. When it gets to be _that_ routine, you'll find yourself in a store one day with a whiny eleven-year-old who has no sense of a world outside of his own desires. He'll have no concern that you just lost your job, or you're fighting with your spouse, or you're having a bad day and need him to cut the whining _just this once_. For that five minute window, you would like him to be compassionate, understand where you're coming from, and cope with the stress of not getting what he wants. However, if he's never been taught how to cope with refusals or given guidance on understanding the feelings of others, he will have no self-control or sympathy.

Snotty-Kid Syndrome

Entitlement creates an egocentric kid. When kids are focused solely on their own needs, they forget that the world does not revolve around them. This means that they do not care about others or the effect of their words and actions. They can be cruel, unable to cope with social rejection, unable to problem-solve (expecting others to do it for them), and unable to adapt and read social nuances (reading facial expressions and understanding that you hurt someone's feelings).

My fourth-grader Evelyn recently came home from school in tears because the "popular" girl, Andrea, told Evelyn's good friend John not to play with her. And John (God love that kid, being a fourth grade boy, he's a little clueless to girl-drama) just shrugged his shoulders at Evelyn and walked away with Andrea. All was fine the next day—John had no idea of the attempted manipulation and went about playing with Evelyn as usual—but Evelyn wasn't walking away without speaking to Andrea. When she asked Andrea why she did that, Andrea replied, "Oh, I was just kidding around."

And here we go with the popular-snotty-girl syndrome. I've actually seen Andrea in action. She does the whole flip-your-hair bit, sassy back-talk, and condescending looks to others. Of course she wasn't kidding when trying to break up my daughter's friendship! She would have been perfectly happy if John never spoke to Evelyn again. Andrea did not understand or care that she had stepped all over another human being. No one has taught her that it's hurtful to treat others that way. No one has taught her sympathy or compassion! She was unable to read the expression on Evelyn's face, realize she had hurt someone's feelings, have remorse, or own up to wrong-doing. As she gets older, this behavior will be a detriment to Andrea. She won't understand how it affects others and in turn, won't understand why they don't like her. Unable to cope, she'll deal with that by acting even more entitled and snotty.

Cheesecake Lesson

We were at a restaurant with extended family last week when I had an opportunity to teach my oldest daughter, Poppy, about entitlement. There were ten of us, which makes for a large bill. I had a feeling that my generous cousin David was going to insist on picking up the tab. When dessert time rolled around, the six kids at the table all ordered their own, but I held back from getting anything for myself. When the humongous pieces of cheesecake arrived at the table, I went over and ate some of Poppy's. Rather befuddled, she could not understand why I didn't order my own dessert and why I had to eat some of hers. It was the big joke at the table that mommy has to make rounds and steal other people's dessert.

Once we walked out of the restaurant (with a large to-go box full of leftover cheesecake), I took her aside. I asked her who she thought paid for that meal. As soon as I said that, I saw recognition dawn in her eyes. She understood where I was going, but I still explained, taking the opportunity to guide her. "Poppy, I knew David was going to pay for that meal, and I also knew that there was no way you would eat all of your cheesecake. There was no need for me to order my own separate piece and add another four dollars to that bill." It may have been a small thing, but I wanted her to understand that we have to think of others and avoid being selfish.

Caving-In

It starts when children are very young. We have to teach them from the get-go that life does not revolve around them and they must be aware of how their actions affect others. When you wait until you think they are old enough to understand and sympathize, you've got an uphill climb. Because up until then, you've only taught them that they get what they want all the time with a relatively small price to pay of making mom or dad upset for five minutes. Whoopee.

Toddlers are our greatest challenge with this task. They've got a natural laser focus on what they want and have our guilt and exasperation buttons down to a science. They act a certain way, then we RE-act a certain way, and whether or not we have a negative reaction when we give in, the end result is payoff for Junior. Pretty darn simple. We get so caught up in fighting the behavior, that we don't see the pattern. Changing that pattern starts with us reacting differently. We must not give in to tantrums. This means saying "no"! We must also say what we mean, and do what we say. Consistency! Limits! This is a little confusing to the love bugs at first, so they fight like hell and keep trying different ways to achieve parental cave-in. But if you are consistent, they will get it.

So don't get them every little thing their hearts desire, don't give in to shrieks for chicken nuggets every single night of the week, pleas to read twelve books at bedtime, or heaven forefend, demands that you crawl into bed and snuggle until they fall asleep. And don't give me the excuse that you don't mind. It's useless to be sneaky with me. I know they wake up in the middle of the night, sometimes multiple times, and expect you to repeat the routine or cave to acquiescing the master bed. You might as well move out and let them have your darn house. They own it anyway.

Demands

Giving in to demands does not create a happy child. Have you figured that out yet? If you haven't, one day you will. It seems so crazy that they scream for something, yet they are never happy for more than five minutes when they get it. Then they move on to screaming for something else. Here's the clincher. Kids don't know what they need. They only know what they want. Huge difference.

Kids are always, always looking for limits and guidance. If we do not provide it, we end up with a child who is demanding, sulky, loud, and obnoxious. As a parent, there are times when we secretly think that our child is anything but lovable, sweet, and charming, and we worry that others think that too. However, you must get over the guilt, lower those defenses, look at the big picture, and teach your child how to manage and deal with a life that is not always fair.

Caving to "wants" does not make kids happy. Meeting needs does. As a parent, you have to figure out what needs they have and meet those. The list is endless, but topping it are: structure, effective communication, limits, consistency, and guidance. These are my Five Basics in _Toddler ABC Guide to Discipline_ and _Life with Toddlers_.

They also need attention—and there's a balance to achieve there. Too much leads to the message "you're so special that you don't have to follow the rules" and too little leads to "you're unloved."

That, my friends, is a constant struggle. It is easier to determine the balance when you see how their behavior changes with more or less attention.

Attention: Too Much or Too Little?

Toddlers need a ton of love and attention, there's no doubt. But the other side of that coin is when you see your child acting demanding or mean for your attention. I've seen kids cry and hit mom when she refuses to "look at me, look at me!" while the kid is on the swing. Or they put on a dress, tiara, and high heels and if you don't stop nursing your baby and gush about how beautiful they look, a tantrum is in order. This is not okay. That behavior tells you that you had better pull back and start setting some limits. Limits create a happy child! Toddlers feel secure and safe when they know what to expect. Of course they will always challenge your set limits, but being consistent gives them life-coping skills. It teaches them self-control, problem solving, and how to deal with not getting what they want all the time. If they don't get a cookie because they didn't eat their chicken, then they learn that next time—aha!—don't throw a fit, eat the chicken, and you get a cookie.

How do you know if you are giving too much attention or too little?

It can be confusing when trying to figure out if you are giving too much or too little attention because the behavior often looks the same. This is where you need to step back and objectively look at your own behavior. When your child acts up, take a moment to reflect on the preceding hour or day. Has your child been playing alone? Have you been busy at home or spending long hours at work? Is your time taken up with a new baby? That could be a big clue that you aren't giving your child enough one-on-one attention. When your child needs more attention, they will act insecure. Insecure can sometimes look or feel demanding to a parent, but look harder. If it has a desperate edge, it probably means the child needs more or different individual attention. You may think that reading a book together will meet the alone-time need, but he may need you to look into his eyes and truly listen to him throughout the day as well.

Less attention is needed when kids act mean. This gets tricky. Again, look at the preceding hour and day. Have you been doting on your child? Do you give constant praise when they haven't earned it? When they are mean and demanding, you cannot give attention to that behavior. You must address it, but you cannot reward it by either caving in to the demand or blowing up and yelling. One is positive attention and one is negative attention. However, both reward the behavior. When the bottom line is desired attention, you cannot give it, positive or negative. Kids do not know the difference between the two, and they will take what they can get!

I prefer to ignore any outburst and let the child cool down in a time-out. Once the anger has abated, you need to give alternative choices to the unacceptable behavior. For example, instead of hitting you or stomping a foot when you do not stop feeding the baby and watch her dance, you need to tell your child, "When you want me to watch your dance you need to say, 'Mommy, when you are finished, I'd like to dance for you!'" After this guidance, the next time she demonstrates appropriate requests for attention, you better be darn sure to follow through and give her the promised time! Otherwise, she will learn you are not trustworthy and will continue to act demanding or whiny.

Generally speaking, not enough attention equates to needy, clingy, or out of character behavior with a desperate edge (insecure). Too much attention equates to mean and demanding behavior. Whiny behavior can fit into either category.

Kids are a never-ending pit of need when it comes to attention, so you have to strike a balance. When you've reflected on your own behavior and feel that your child gets healthy amounts of attention, then you must put your foot down and refuse to give in to tantrums and whiny or demanding behavior. It pushes major guilt buttons because you will always wonder if you are rejecting your child's needs, but there are times in life when they must start learning to be balanced and happy individuals. Constant attention may seem to curb immediate demands, but long term, children need to be content without your endless help and doting. They need to figure out how to cope on their own.

Sometimes it is difficult to figure out how to address problem behavior. With some self-reflection, you can narrow down a reason and ferret out a solution. For example, my friend Andie called me up with a mystery regarding her eight-year-old daughter, Kaylee. She had recently taken to constant lying about small stuff—an out of character behavior. Andie, an excellent disciplinarian, was stumped. After a little bit more prodding, I learned that Andie was either working all the time or dealing with her oldest child who has autism and was having a difficult transition to middle school. Then she has her three-year-old who demands attention just because. All these conflicting demands left Kaylee in the dust.

When I asked how much one on one attention Kaylee got, it was normal for a busy household. She'd be taken shopping here or there, tucked in at night, etc. I said to Andie, "No, really. How much of your undivided attention does she get?" Turns out it wasn't much. So my friend resolved to do things differently. She made a solid lunch date with Kaylee on Fridays, juggled her work better, and lo and behold, the lying stopped. Happy ending.

Your own happy ending is right there. Look objectively and you will find it!

Chapter Four: Squash Independence

Summer at my house means practicing independence skills. This particular summer it equals kids-in-charge-of-meals. They make all lunch and dinners for the week including planning the menu, making a shopping list, finding what they need at the store, and taking charge of the debit card to pay for it. I stand back and try not to intervene unless the chaos means a delay of fifteen minutes along with melted ice cream because they can't find the kidney beans.

By the second week, my middle child was complaining that I just stand at the front of the store and don't help them. I looked at her and said, "Hmm. Why do you think I do that? Is it possible there's a reason?" My youngest piped up, "I know it's because we need to learn to be more independent, but we don't know where anything is! We need help!" I just looked at her and smiled. You have to love kids.

How are our children supposed to know how to cook, clean a bathroom, figure out a problem, or learn where things are located in a grocery store? They learn by doing. And if we do everything for them, we rob our kids of their independence and sense of accomplishment. Our kids need skills! When we hover, don't allow them to make choices, step in on their activities, and give constant "help," we squash their independence.

When we squash their independence, they don't learn to think for themselves, manage their own time, or deal with the consequences—good or bad—of their decisions.

For instance, a few months ago some guys came to put a fence up in my backyard and rang the doorbell to make sure they were at the right house. "Yes," I said, "this is correct house." "Oh good," he sighed with relief, "because my GPS couldn't tell me exactly which one and I wanted to make sure."

Time for a moment of pause.

Are there no work orders with my address? Did you not plug that address into your GPS? This random incident would normally not be cause for concern, but it happened again exactly two months later! A pest control guy came to the door convinced that I had called his company to take care of a rodent problem. It took three full minutes of conversation for me to convince him that his GPS was wrong, I had not called his company, and I did not have a problem with rats!

I finally had to tell him flat-out, "Listen, you have the wrong house! Check the numbers on the house and match it to your work order address!" He was still completely perplexed that his GPS could be wrong. His problem solving was so poor that before he left he apologetically asked, "If your house number isn't 224, then where is it?"

OH my goodness. Seriously, hooray for technology making our life easier, but there are some skills that simply cannot be allowed to die off, lest it strangle intelligence and independent thinking at the same time!

Don't Do Anything for Yourself, Mommy's Got This

Of course we all want our children to be independent and productive adults, right? Well, learning skills to do so starts early! Toddler moms, I know your babies are still learning the basics of life so we obviously can't expect them to count in German or swim like a fish. But as our children age, we do expect aptitude or interests to emerge. Are they good in math? Show an interest in cooking? Love to read books? Or are they happiest sitting in front of a screen? If they're sitting in front of a screen most of the time, what does that make them good at? Sure, they can whip our butt on phone and iPad games. What else, though? Does being good at technology help them figure out what to do when their GPS leads them to the wrong house?

Getting away from the technology argument a bit, let's keep thinking. All ye middle school moms: what about you? What are your darlings remarkable at? Band? Art? Soccer? Of course they're fabulous at these things. This is all terrific, really. But how much do we do for them for band or art or soccer? We buy them every single piece of equipment they need (no questions, no fuss), we remind them of their practice schedule . . . no wait. We just tell them. They have no idea. So yeah, we make sure they get to practice, games, or class on time, we get them everything they need . . . and . . . where is the independence in that?

My own children are all about orchestra and participate in school competitions. Each kid in orchestra is required to do individual or group try outs for UIL (University Interscholastic League through The University of Texas at Austin) in an effort to earn awards and prestige for yourself and the school.

In the first competition my oldest daughter ever went to, she had some random kid come up to her and beg to borrow her violin because (drum roll please) _he forgot to bring his_. Are. You. Kidding. How do you forget your freaking instrument on competition day?! Kudos for trying to figure out a solution to your numbskull problem, but you cannot ask to borrow some random person's violin! Thankfully my daughter told him to stuff it, because her violin was not cheap. I can just see this kid breaking every string on there and giving me a heart attack worthy of nitroglycerin.

This brings up an interesting point. Did the kid forget? Or did mom forget? Or, hey, let's go for a big ol' stereotype and blame dad. Maybe there was a soccer game first thing in the morning and timing required a speedy drive to the competition straight from the game. Maybe in the haste to get out the door, the violin got left in the dust. Whatever the reason, the kid showed up empty-handed. I'm hoping to heaven that the parent was grateful for the lesson and gave the kid a firm admonishment when the screw up was discovered. "Figure it out! We don't have time to go home and get your violin!" However, in all likelihood, there was a mom in hysterics, blaming herself, or going after dad with a rolled up newspaper because her baby wasn't prepared.

My dear parents, we cannot do everything for our kids! As it is, we fix all their problems and boo boos all the way from a fall off the swing to a problem at work when they are adults. We go postal with the toddler "friends" when they bite the crap out of our kid, we speak to teachers about bad grades (because there is no way on Earth our child actually earned that grade, no sir, no how), and we blame everyone else for every little fault, misstep, or inappropriate behavior. I get tired just thinking of all our justifications.

Kids need to learn how to deal with consequences. If we step in and fix everything all the time, they never have consequences to learn from! This affects their critical thinking skills; if this, then that. I hit someone, I get hit back. I put my hand on a hot stove, I get burned. I earn bad grades, I flunk.

As a speech therapist, I sometimes go into high school cooking classes to work with kids, and they don't know how to crack an egg or measure flour, much less have any freaking idea how to turn on an oven. I know that's _why_ they're in the cooking class to begin with, but mercy. Don't they have any sense at all of what goes on in a kitchen? Can I just tell you how pathetic it is to see some yippee teenage girl blabber on about "Like, I don't know which one is a teaspoon and ohmigod what is that stuff in that bowl, eeeeewwwwww!"

At some point, we need to realize that it's okay to stop coddling our kids and doing everything for them. When we coddle, not only do we rob them of any sense of accomplishment (more on that later), but we don't teach them how to do anything on their own. Independent accomplishments build self-esteem. Good self-esteem promotes confidence and motivation. The more they know, the more they can figure out on their own, build on that knowledge base, and become more independent.

Rescue or Conquer the Walk?

I know that we don't want to see our kids suffer or force them to make difficult choices because, well, it hurts. What parent wants to make their child hurt? But let's think about this for a wee moment.

Take, for instance, when our sweet babies take their first steps. We see them struggling and we desperately want to jump in and help them through this momentous occasion. But what if—just what if—they really want to do it themselves? Do you still jump in, or do you step back, watch, and take joy in every little frown and wrinkle on that innocent face as it scrunches up in concentration for the task at hand? Then you experience your heart swell when they look up at you with a huge grin of accomplishment as they get those little tootsies going one in front of the other and finally swoop into your arms.

How sad would that be to miss seeing them conquer tasks such as walking? To miss seeing everything click together and the joy they get in learning the skill? I know it means they're growing up. Perhaps there's a part of you that subconsciously wants to keep it from happening, but isn't growing up the point? We don't want to train them to be dependent on us, do we? They can't stay babies forever, and at some point, we have to let them experience the joy of achievement. That means falling a couple of times.

We need to let our kids fall and learn, and we also need to let them succeed. This means not jumping in to help when they are clearly doing okay. When my friend Jennifer's son Ben was in eighth grade, he wanted to go to a horse shoeing school. Horse shoeing? What? Jen said, "No, I'm not paying $2,000 for horseshoeing school!" Ben, being a driven kid, suggested going to a bank so he could get a loan. Crazy as it sounds, Jennifer thought this would be a great life lesson for him, so she agreed. The bank gave him the loan with her cosign, and Ben goes off to farrier school. He sticks out the six-week course, gets a job, and starts to work off his loan. Jen and her husband were so darn proud of his hard work that they thought they would surprise him for his birthday and pay off the last $700.

To me, this sounds totally acceptable. The kid shows dedication, hard work, and determination. What parent wouldn't want to help out at this point, just to say how happy they are? If you have the money, this is not a problem, right?

Hmmm . . . Okay, well, yes, small problem. The pickle here is that Ben was furious. He didn't want mom and dad to pay off his loan because this was _his_ accomplishment, something he wanted to do all on his own.

Do you see how easily we fall into the trap of rescuing our child? Intentions are absolutely sincere, but in that, we fail to see the impact. We only want to congratulate, help, fix, make better, and ease any pain along the way. But if we do that, it teaches our children nothing but how to rely on us for everything. That, in turn, degrades their self-esteem. How crazy it is that trying to help can have such negative effects! But there is a balance to achieve in helping versus letting them make their own way.

Chapter Five: Forego Guidance

Guidance is an absolutely constant need. Unfortunately, we don't always give it. When we forego guidance, we fail to teach our children what is good, right, and acceptable. Knowing what is good, right, and acceptable is the basis for emotional security. As toddler moms, we have a terrible habit of saying, "No!" or "Stop it!" or "Cut that out!" And just what exactly does that teach kids? Yes, they aren't supposed to do that particular thing, but yelling these negatives doesn't get us very far because (a) it equates to "don't do half of what you do every day," and (b) what are they supposed to do instead? We expect them to grow up and complete tasks independently, yet we don't give specific, step-by-step instruction on how. If we don't tell and show them, how are they to know? Magic? The knowledge fairy?

Foregoing guidance undermines emotional security and the ability to independently complete tasks.

Just Who is Guiding Who?

Guidance is day to day, minute to minute "do this instead" or "here is what you do in this situation." As parents, we tend to be a bit lax on this issue. We simply yell at them to stop what they are doing and leave it at that. We don't give them alternative behaviors. Then they are left to figure it out on their own, and good luck with forcing them to churn all that information around their little brains.

Kids learn how to behave by observation and instruction. If we take out the instruction part, they are left with observation. And what do they see? Other toddlers? Great example there: bite when frustrated, scream when upset, and throw food when attention is needed. Yahoo. And then our little love bugs wonder why Mommy keeps getting upset with every little thing they do. More crying ensues, and yet mom still can't understand why they keep acting like that.

Parents need to lead by example, but that alone is not enough. My friend's husband, Wes, comes from a large family (nine kids) and cleaning the house was a family affair. One day, when he was four or five years old, he was given the job to mop the floor. He got out a mop and bucket, and got to work. He was very proud of himself, mopping just like he'd seen his mom. A while later, his dad comes by and tells him he is making a mess and needs to do a better job. His dad left to do something else, leaving Wes terribly sad because he had been so proud of himself and didn't know how to fix the problem. Moreover, he felt bad because he probably left a huge mess for his mom. Later, she showed Wes how to clean a floor on his hands and knees with a washcloth, which he does to this day.

Guidance and the Ability to Complete Tasks Independently

In order to complete tasks independently, kids first need to know how. Then they need to feel good about it. Telling a five-year-old that he did a crappy job of mopping is just heartbreaking, especially when he was not given instruction. This affects self-esteem and emotional security. When kids are given appropriate guidance and praise, they feel competent and loved. Self-esteem and emotional security is enhanced. In turn, they act in a way that continues this positive feedback loop and will desire to keep building on what they know. Building on what they know increases independence. Happy and healthy all around.

Consequences Stink

For toddler moms, balancing guidance with fostering independence is a huge dilemma. For some reason, mommies feel it deep in our bones that we must spend every moment entertaining our kids, saving them from all ails, and smoothing out any bumps in their way. I do it all the time, always have. I have to absolutely force myself to let them learn how to catch fireflies all on their own, wear boots to school in ninety five degree heat so they learn how uncomfortable it is, or let them see what happens when they dump all cookie ingredients into a bowl at once and stir. Yes, it drives me wild when the cookies turn out flatter than corn tortillas but the kids are happy and proud of themselves. Why stomp on that? Next time, if they want the cookies to taste better, they'll read the directions, and I'll say as much if it comes up. That is a much more positive and effective teaching tool than my lecturing or hovering.

Direct (or natural) consequences is a popular parenting concept which allows us to passively teach our kids what happens when you dump those cookie ingredients together, or stay up all night and have to go to school the next morning. The problem is, while this works for the little things that add up to a child being hot, cold, slightly hungry or basically uncomfortable, the big issues can end up punishing us more than the kids. What happens if we let them stay up all night thinking, "Hee, hee, this will teach 'em!" But lo and behold, they just won't get up in the morning? What then?

We need to use more foresight into how exactly our little experiment will pan out. Of course we can't be a mush all the time because that teaches our children nothing . . . except that we will bail them out. You and I both know we won't make them go to school after our cute little attempt to teach them the direct/natural consequences of staying up all night. Besides, it's not practical for us to be up all night worrying if they will stay out of trouble, and it's not practical to think that a young child will even understand the lesson.

The consequence has to make sense to the child and work for us as well. For instance, my friend Michelle has a mom that would scare the pants off an army general. And not because she was mean . . . she just did what she said she would do. Consequences for guidance. Imagine that! When Michelle was a teenager, her mom decided to have new phone lines put in a few rooms. Michelle's brother Andy was told to clean up his pig-sty of a room, or no phone line would be put in there. Turns out, he didn't clean up, and she didn't put a line in. He was mad as heck and stomped around for days, but it was his own fault. She spelled it out for him and went through with the promise.

I, on the other hand, am not quite brave enough for such a tough consequence. I've lost count of how many times I've calmly threatened to grab a trash bag and make it my discretion what stuffed animals get thrown out if the kids don't hop to it and clean up their room. But do I ever actually take a bag out to the trash can? Please. This sucker-mom doesn't want to deal with those tears and heartache.

By not going through with what I say about cleaning their room, I teach my kids that they don't actually have to complete the task that I ask them to complete. If there are no consequences, why not push it off? In addition, I am teaching them how to treat people. Morally, I am saying, "It's okay to ignore people, even an authority figure." Socially, I am sending a message that they can be disrespectful and do what they want, and people will let them. That is not exactly how the real world works!

Guidance and Social Behavior

When we first start to introduce play dates, we have this grand notion that interacting with other kids will be so much fun for our babies. News flash! Play dates are purely a learning experience on how to behave and how not to behave. Beyond the cool play house in Johnny's backyard or the Jeep our darling can ram into the fence, they couldn't give a flying fig about Johnny down the street.

No, play dates are not quite the social delight we expect them to be, especially when Johnny is a bit spoiled and mom lets him scream and snatch toy cars from our baby. However, play dates do have terrific value in teaching interactive behavior. BUT, this means we must get off our duff and actually teach it. Forget sipping lemonade and chatting while the kids play nicely in the sandbox. (Such delusional thoughts can be super disappointing.)

Foregoing guidance means letting the kids duke it out and spending two days washing sand out of their eyes, versus getting in the damn sandbox and teaching our kids how to negotiate every little turn with the spade, bucket, and buried crystals. And as they age, this turns into guiding them on what friends are good and what friends are "more chore to be around than fun." This is a lifelong process! We are constantly learning and figuring out who we are compatible with and who will help us grow into better human beings. We also figure out who treats us like crap, wearing down our self-esteem and poisoning our minds.

My daughter Poppy learned this in first grade. She had a classmate who would constantly pick her up and carry her. Annoying! Poppy, being a shy, agreeable child, had no clue how to let this kid know that it was not appreciated. So we had a daily talk on how school went, what did you do, and what happened with Cami-the-classmate. Then Cami started asking Poppy if her clothes made her look sexy, and Mama Dog blew her top a teensy bit, having to now guide Poppy on "how to keep your distance." There is an art to easing away from friends who are disagreeable or poor influences without starting a bunch of girl fights (kill me) or daily hurt feelings and tears.

Constant guidance is needed not only in peer relationships, but in other social settings as well. The way a child acts affects those around him, leaving the door open for unpleasant interactions. Shame, shame, I had the most unchristian thoughts at church last year. The children in question were way too old to be fussing, talking, crying and carrying on the way they were, so it wasn't a matter of being too young to understand. It was a matter of the parents being too overwhelmed or unaware and entirely on the side of not wanting to bother with the get-up-and-get-out business. Such was the ruckus, the behavior of the kids and parents even shocked my children.

In my defense, my thoughts were not entirely negative. They vacillated between "Should I offer to help?" "Should I sneak a quick admonishing glance?" "Should I ignore?" "Should I smile?" and "Should I run to the store and get some Cheerios to shut everyone up?" The climax of the event came when one of the kids gave a repeated and escalating announcement that he had to use the bathroom. By the eighth time, it was just short of a wail for God in heaven to hear, yet the dad kept up his answers in an above-whisper pitch, "You'll have to wait. This is the most important part of the mass."

Sheesh man. It may well be the most important part of the mass, but it will also definitely be the most distracting and memorable part when your kid pees all over the pew, hitting every single surrounding Coach purse and $100 shoe. People won't be so polite then.

Even while listening with horrified fascination, I still couldn't tell if the kid was trying to be manipulative or if he really had to go. Either way, I'd say err on the side of caution and respect those around you by saving us from pee and screams. Just a thought.

Knowing appropriate social behaviors helps children feel more emotionally secure. In all situations—at home, school, peer relationships, public places, etc.—teaching kids appropriate behaviors, conversational comments, and how to ask and answer questions, helps them develop a sense of independence and self-confidence when speaking with others. They get positive responses, they learn what works, and they figure out how to use language and behavior to achieve their goals in a constructive way.

Guidance and Moral Behavior

My friend Robin has a daughter McKenna who, due to a divorce and move, just started a brand new school in fifth grade. Not the easiest thing in the world for a pre-teen. The second day of school a group of boys decided that "McKenna" sounded a lot like "Macaroni," so guess who quickly got the nick-name Macaroni?

We can all think of a lot of nick-names worse than Macaroni, so you hear this and say, "Eh . . . how big a deal is it?" The teacher must have thought this when McKenna told her she had asked the boys to stop but they had refused. The teacher's response was, "You guys work it out." To a small extent, I agree that at some point the kiddies need to deal with their disagreements on their own, otherwise a teacher is forced to forgo reading and math, dealing with spats all day long. On the other hand, this is just one of those things. Those boys had no idea what McKenna had recently been through. They didn't understand what the added heartache from being called "Macaroni" could do; how it affects the precariously balanced self-esteem of a child already in emotional pain.

Yes, you want kids to practice independence by working it out themselves. But in fifth grade, guidance goes a long way. There are certainly those children who run to the teacher at the first sign of conflict, but most do try to figure it out on their own first. From my observations, I generally see kids give it at least two attempts to solve a social situation before asking for help. Whether it's ignoring, making a "that's not fair" comment, or starting some attempts at physical persuasion (stomping off, snatching back an item, shoving) they will usually try at least some form of whatever it is they think will work to resolve the problem. The thing is, what they think will work can always use a little improvement.

Guidance is always a good thing. Whenever an adult can offer a better solution, they need to do so! The long-term teaching effects are immeasurable. I am forever trying to teach kids to see things from the other person's perspective in order to reach a positive solution. A child's mind needs help in seeing a different point of view, and guidance in this area can help a great deal in social problem solving.

The Macaroni incident is a daily, easy to resolve issue. All it takes is some guidance from the teacher. Now, in her defense, it's easy for me to think she should talk to the boys, because I'm a speech therapist. Pragmatic guidance is second nature to me. But you do not need a child psychology degree or twenty hours of classroom management classes to tell those boys, "Uhn Uh. We do NOT call people names. It's unkind." What does that take? Five seconds?

My husband, Chris—God love him—was sorely lacking in guidance as a child. In fourth grade, while trying to re-enact being a prisoner in _Escape from Alcratraz_ , he would saunter up to the cafeteria line and instruct the poor little ladies to, "Gimmie some of that slop." After who knows how many days of insults, he's called over the intercom to go to the office. Clueless and prancing up the hall thinking he's being called in for some award, he turns the corner and sees the cafeteria manger standing with the principal. When she points her finger at Chris and says, "That's him! That's the one," it very quickly dawns on my husband's fourth-grade brain that he did something wrong.

He quickly rewinds his memory bank and his last few days of interactions with this person. Then, and only then, does he figure out that "Gimmie some of that slop" must have made her mad. She never said to him, "Don't say that," and she never pulled him aside and said, "When you call someone's food 'slop,' it's hurtful." She may have given him dirty looks, but a kid his age, with his distracted mind, was never going to get that subtle social cue. He wasn't trying to be a jerk. Ignorance and lack of guidance made him appear spiteful. So off to a paddling he went. (Corporal punishment was a favorite in those medieval days.)

Providing guidance on right and wrong behavior makes children more emotionally secure. Had my husband's parents been aware and attentive to the situation, they could have guided him on what he did wrong before it escalated into a butt-whipping. Perhaps then it wouldn't be such a strong, regretful memory for him. If not his parents, certainly the cafeteria lady had the right to guide him. It is not cruel and it is not punishment to let kids know what behavior is okay and what is not. Getting paddled certainly let him know it was wrong, but in the long-run, it created emotional damage because he didn't _want_ to hurt anyone's feelings or behave in such a disrespectful way. He was only play-acting and simply didn't know.

Bad Behavior Makes Mommy Sad

The general consensus in child guidance is that caregivers need to be positive and kind. But can we just take a moment to look at what we sometimes think of as positive guidance? Sometimes it's so mushy that it's ineffective. For instance, this whole "that makes me so sad" thing is going to drive me to drink. Kids act like toots, and I see so many well-intentioned moms or teachers put on a frowny face and dither, "Oh, it makes me so sad to see that." Guh! Just what banana-loving monkey makes us think toddlers could care?

Toddlers misbehave for a reason, and the fact that it gets a comment from you is exactly the point! They want attention. Getting an adult observation on how sad it makes them is an absolute score for the little person, because it never goes beyond the comment. No instructions on what to do instead, no forcing apologies, no making them behave better. It teaches absolute squat and there is no consequence! And if there is no consequence, why in the blue blazes should a child care? Expecting toddlers to pick up on some social nuance and understand that "that makes me so sad" means "don't act that way" is too much for them to process. Their little minds stop at "Woohoo, that worked."

Nonverbal Communication

We have to make sure we are addressing how our children are affecting others. All kids make bad choices, be they occasional or not, and all kids must understand the consequences of their remarks to others. Teaching this starts with nonverbal communication and reading facial expressions.

Keep in mind the age at which kids mature enough to understand unspoken communication and how much help they need. Kids literally look at facial expressions and are often unable to interpret the true meaning and appropriate response. You can show them a picture of someone who is angry and they may see it as "hungry" or "tired."

At three years old, they generally label facial expressions as simply good or bad. As they age, they rely on external cues in the situation to interpret feelings. By six or seven, they can break down a general emotion like "mad" or "sad" into different words like fear, jealous, or upset. In speech therapy, I see kids use "sad" for most neutral or not-good facial expressions until I press for a different emotion word.

However, even by ten years old, without context, they can struggle with facial expressions of confused, disappointed, frustrated, surprised, scared, worried, shocked, etc. It takes kids reaching their teens before they can reliably decipher subtle nuances in facial expressions (you're gross, I'm jealous, leave me alone, that smells bad, etc.)

For a young child, if you or another caregiver is angry with them, it is unreasonable to expect them to "get" an angry face and figure out that they aren't supposed to behave a certain way or make a certain choice. If a child literally interprets a facial expression to be tired or sad, then how is that helpful? Guidance means EXPLAINING. Explain everything until they are old enough to start communicating and demonstrating their understanding with you. When they say to you, "My friend seemed sad today," and you can have a discussion with them on whether that means tired, afraid, or upset, then you know they are getting it.

Pay attention to their strengths and areas of struggle to know what direction to take. We often take nonverbal communication for granted. Subtle comments and facial expressions are difficult to decipher and might need a literal explanation. "When grandpa blows air out of his mouth and puffs up his cheeks like that, it's called a sigh—and it means that he is frustrated because he can't figure out how to fix the car."

Constant guidance is tiresome but creates an incredible sense of security for your child. The more they understand about why people say and do things, the better they will be at communicating back. When they are good at communicating back, confidence is built due to positive interactions. That provides emotional security and increased self-esteem.

Bad Guy Syndrome: Nice Parents Earn Disrespect

Another reason for ineffective guidance is the Bad Guy Syndrome. We don't want to be the bad guy, so we consistently roll over into a pile of mush. Sure, there's a good dose of exhaustion and give-up in there, but for the most part, we just don't want to be a mean parent. We end up letting our toddler smack grandma on the face, kick a friend in the shin, and bite a piece of ear off the cat, all because we can't muster up some firm consistency.

Being nonstop nice to our kids (because they are adorable and lovable and sweet and perfect) earns us a huge dose of disrespect as they get older. It's like a rock star. When told how great and awesome and talented they are all the time, they start to act entitled and snobby. It's basic human psychology; you say it enough, they believe what you say, and don't think they need to change. Only a fat dose of humility will curb it.

The solid truth in all of this is that kids need firm consistency. They need guidance in word and demonstration, and are so much happier with a firm, loving, and consistent caregiver. Being firm is not mean! In fact, it is helpful! When you say they have to get a loan and pay it off, teach them how to pay it off and hold them to it. For toddlers, when we start off mushy and inconsistent, it confuses them. We say no over here, but give in over there . . . so the kid might as well pull out all the stops every time in hopes we'll give in.

We have to be strong and consistent in our guidance. If we are emotionally insecure and demonstrate instability, how can we expect our children to grow up with a solid sense of self? They need and want to know boundaries. How to ask questions appropriately. How to _act_ appropriately, especially when they don't get their way. We must show them!

Must I Really Put Down My Coffee?

Guidance means actual instructions, not passive words that amount to nothing. Putting down our much deserved caramel mocha latte and getting off our fanny to go and instruct our child how to spoon yogurt without flinging it on the walls is one giant drain, I know. The younger they are, the more physical it is. Physical exhaustion is a toddler mom's constant companion. But if that effort isn't put in now, _mental_ exhaustion and heartache will be your future buddy. Ouch.

Fostering independence means a ton of guidance for toddlers. We need to do it from the get go. Show and teach, show and teach. Then once the little tykes are old enough to do stuff on their own, let them. Stand by to help as needed, but refrain from jumping in to rescue. Let them learn to be independent with the task. It's tough and frustrating to teach them how to line books back onto a shelf or put all the Barbie clothes back into a bin. It will take them five times longer than if we just did it ourselves, so it's a pain in the butt to take the time now. But that is what creates independence!

Chapter Six: Teach Everyone Wins

Life is not fair. Yet we think we cannot possibly hurt a little one's self-esteem. So everyone has to win, everyone has to get a prize, and everyone gets treated "fairly." Training our children that life is fair, then shoving them out into the real world to figure out the opposite, is a cruel thing indeed. When you tell a child they can do anything they want and it doesn't matter how it turns out (last place is okay, sweetheart! You tried!), the unspoken and unintentional message is _I don't have faith that you can achieve this_.

Teaching everyone wins undermines the ability to deal with failure or disappointment.

We cannot make everything our kids do "okay." Of course we don't want to berate our kids' failure, but we also don't want to reward it! Continually telling our kids that everything they do is great and wonderful sets them up to (a) not give their best, especially when they really want something, and (b) think that they will always get rewarded for the tiniest bit of effort. By the time the little love bugs figure out life takes way more effort than they'd like to give, they will stop caring because dealing with disappointment and failure is too much emotional strain. In addition to lack of motivation, they may think that being an unsuccessful loser is emotionally easier than trying and failing.

Now, we have to define "loser." I'm not talking about the dedicated musician who works very hard but does not make much money. Financial remuneration is not the only measure of success. Focus, commitment, and consistency matter more than money. By "loser" I mean the kid who can't finish college or hold down a job, hooks up with bum boyfriend after bum boyfriend, and keeps coming back to mom and dad for money because they continually give it. And of course she thinks that her life is okay. It works, doesn't it?

Medals for Everyone!

Our kids are better than that. They are sharp, sweet, and have tremendous potential . . . as long as we don't squash it. Please tell me how it builds self-esteem when your child gets unearned accolades and rewards she does not deserve! You may think you are helping her feel good about herself, but it creates a false sense of accomplishment and will not hold long-term. A strong foundation of self-worth, drive, and motivation requires parents to be a little tough and honest. Saying things like, " _Gosh, it looks like you didn't play very well out there today. How do you feel about that_?" or " _You are capable of more,"_ could go a long way to helping our children self-reflect on their capabilities, learn how to deal with disappointment, and strive to do better.

The following is a story from Tiger Tamer and I jump up and down with glee every time I hear it; a perfect example of what society _shouldn't_ do and parents _should_.

My neighbor Cheryl is one of the most put-together, secure, and confident people I know. She is always laughing, positive, and happy, but also very focused and strict. Her daughter is in fifth grade and plays basketball. During one game, her daughter decided to zone on her shoes instead of the game. She gave no effort at all, and even stomped her foot when the ball was stolen from her. After the game (which her team lost), the coach followed his tradition of giving each player a star pin: Best Effort, Best Running, Most Points, etc. Well, Cheryl had to bite a hole through her lip as her daughter got a star for Best Sportsmanship.

As soon as they got into the car after the game, Cheryl turned around and faced her child. "Do you really think you put forth any effort or sportsmanship during that game? Do you think stomping your foot earns you that star?" Her daughter didn't even think hard before replying, "No ma'am." So Cheryl said, "Give me that star. Next practice, you are returning it to Coach and telling him you didn't earn it."

Cheryl was consistent by holding her ground and making her daughter give it back at the next practice. And did the Coach coo, "Oh, it's okay, honey, you'll earn it next time"? Nope. He backed Cheryl up and told her daughter, "You are right to give this back. You didn't earn it."

Yeesssssss! This is a mom who can teach her kid how to self-evaluate and take responsibility. Children are perfectly capable of learning from their mistakes, finding the determination to do better, and putting forth the future effort to make it so. The only problem is getting Coach to figure that out _before_ awarding bogus stars.

Food: It's Not Fair!

Not only do we coddle with umpteen undeserved rewards, we can't even be a remote example of how life is unfair. Working with children is sure to be preceded by lectures on how we can't do this or that in front of them, lest some little tyke get their feelings hurt. I can't tell you how many times we are slapped on the hand, making some benign incident into an act of Congress.

The first example that comes to mind happened while volunteering for our church. In an effort to teach my kids community service while participating in church events, we volunteered for Vacation Bible School. My oldest two were assistant crew leaders, shuffling kids back and forth between games, snacks, and skits. Cute, right?

Of course you must go through instruction and training on what to do and what not to do, how to handle behavior, and how to act appropriately as leaders. One of those points got drawn out into an hour long debate. Although special treats would be brought in for the fabulous and appreciated volunteers, we could NOT eat in front of the younger kids, and we had to be darn sure not to bring any outside food in, as a couple of the kids had food allergies.

Now, allergic reactions, diabetes, and other medically necessary dietary food considerations are serious and I agree with protecting kids and teaching them to self-manage these issues. But it also puts into perspective and emphasizes how ludicrous it is to worry about the kid who can actually have a candy bar, but gets his undies in a bunch because you are eating one and he can't. And because of this, we are morphing into a society in which not only must all food be uniform in availability, adults and volunteers cannot eat any "special" food in front of the kiddies.

Good grief! Is there nothing to be said for the fact that when you are older and give your time, you can be rewarded with special treats? Is it not enough that we give every kid a pat on the head or piece of food to reward nothing at all? Must we kill an incentive to actually get an _earned_ reward?

My response to the coordinator regarding this issue is that if a kid defensively asks, "Hey, how come I don't get a donut?" the volunteers could reply, "I get a donut because I'm older and volunteering. When you're my age, you can be a crew leader and get a donut too!" So what if it sucks? So what if it's bribery? As they get older, hopefully they will want to volunteer and quickly figure out that it actually takes some effort and work. Happy the day when we can sing halleluiah's and praise because they finally figure out that the person eating that donut deserves it, and the complaining child in question doesn't.

Needless to say, I was overruled on the donut thing. It's been a while, so I got over my indignation, but I'll be dag-nabbed if my kids weren't volunteering again at some summer school classes, and they were told the exact same thing about the food. "Don't eat in front of the kids! We don't want them wondering why you get to eat and they don't."

This wouldn't be so exasperating if daughter #2 wasn't volunteering in a _cooking_ class in which daughter #3 was a participant. Really? I mean, I see the need to refrain from stuffing your face inappropriately and depleting the ingredient resource, but does that mean she can't even eat a stray marshmallow? Or eat the food that her younger sister prepared and saved for her? Listen, I'm a big rule follower, but as I get older, the stupidity of it all overwhelms my brain.

Boo!

Oh, such drama among second-grade moms. It goes something like this: Around Halloween time, one sweet, generous mom decides to "boo" her son's class by secretly placing a basket of pencils, suckers, stickers, or other goodies outside the classroom door. Once discovered, the kids get all excited wondering who boo'd them and enjoy the surprise gifts.

Well, Sara, being in the boo'd class, goes home and tells mom and brother all about it. Mom gets ticked off because Sara's brother is actually the _twin_ brother in another second-grade class, and starts crying that he didn't get boo'd too. Mom happens to know who the boo mom was and is completely sure that she boo'd that class on purpose just to leave her darling son out. So she confronts the boo mom and creates a PTO fiasco, forcing the board to make a rule of "no booing" just to make things fair. (Cue big sigh.)

Now, before you start thinking that this ridiculous story could never happen, let me say, it actually _did_. And I'm the one who had to make the no-booing rule. Going against all I considered stupid, unnecessary, and most cowardly, I rolled over and said, "Well, if we're going to be fair, we have to boo all second-grade classes equally. If we do that, we have to boo the whole school equally, and since that might get dicey, let's just make a no-booing rule." All over one mom who got her pickle soured.

Thus we trudge into a herd of sheep in which we go along to get along. We fall into the trap and keep teaching our kids that life certainly IS fair, and if it's not, mommy will make it so. But just think about the missed opportunity for learning! We don't pop into the world knowing how to deal with disappointment, how to motivate ourselves, or even how to be happy for others' good fortune. These are learned behaviors. Yes, it sometimes hurts to figure these things out, but the next time it happens, we are stronger and more independent because of it.

It Starts with Toys and Birthdays

Toddlers are possessive by nature and don't embrace the idea of some other little heathen invading their house and stealing their toys. They generally don't even like other kids. It is a hassle and effort to play with another little someone that is as equally devoid of manners as you are. They think it is okay to hit, scream, tantrum, covet, and forcefully nab the dump truck, but there had better not be another little person in the house doing the same thing, or poop will hit the fan.

The life lesson on fairness and "not everyone wins" should start early, and the best place is with toys and birthday parties. It's difficult to reconcile making our child share when he has no concept of why it's necessary or why he should care. Our child's point of view is actually understandable since the little brat who is over "playing" is being ornery enough that we feel like screaming at the mother to doing something about it.

But here's the thing; there will always be an ornery little sucker lurking about out there. Whether he's two years old or thirty, someone will always be aggressively negotiating a fire truck, parking spot, or promotion at work. Life is NOT fair, and not everyone wins. We must work with our children _now_ on the fact that going to a birthday party means giving toys to a friend ("friend" is relative, I admit) and we aren't allowed to pitch a fit when _we_ can't open the gifts and _we_ can't tear right into the packaging. We also can't scream, "I want one too!" That's rude.

We can't constantly hoard all the toys in our house during a play date, we can't have five turns on the slide when everyone else has had two, and we can't always win our kiddie soccer game. There's a point to games in which someone wins and someone loses, and learning to be a good sport does not entail having a coach who gives us individual awards for best sportsmanship when we acted like an angry hornet out on the field.

Yes, life sucks sometimes. And for a toddler, it sucks a lot. There's so much learning going on and so much fun stuff they aren't allowed to do. We constantly have to say no, and it hurts our little angel's feelings. I get it. But that attitude leads to indulgent parenting, which leads to children not learning from their mistakes or failures. It handicaps their social skills, decision-making, and ability to cope with disappointment. To be successful and driven later in life, they need these skills!

Get rid of the trophies for simply showing up, awards for nothing but being cute, and any soppy attitude. When you make your child learn to deal with life stressors and earn what he wants, you are giving a tremendous gift. You create a strong, independent, driven person. I know we enjoy indulging our children, but we confuse this with love. It is not love, and does not meet their needs.

Meet your children's needs for guidance and limits. Teach real love, respect, and responsibility. Give your child a true sense of self-esteem and self-worth by rewarding them when they have actually accomplished something challenging (sparing the dog of toddler-bites and tail-pulls does not count). And teach them how to gracefully deal with failure. Instill a sense of kindness, hard work, true happiness at others' success, and determination and drive to do better themselves.

Chapter Seven: Teach Irresponsibility

Toddlers don't exactly have the maturity level to take responsibility for their actions. Goes without saying. When the babies start crawling, they leave a path of destruction through the house. Then when those pudgy legs start propelling the rocket around, it's more like little explosions of toys, broken glass, pools of spilled apple juice, and walls painted with fingerprint smears of ketchup and chocolate ice cream. At what point do we start making them clean up their own messes?

The best answer is _now_.

When we don't teach responsibility, we undermine their ability to independently create a stable environment.

Guidance on responsibility now teaches toddlers how to treat you and others later. It teaches them how to behave, what to expect from the world, and how to create their own stable environment by contributing to and caring about the world around them. Stable environment now (toddlerhood) can mean being able to find their toys in the same spot each day, or having a clean highchair tray. Stable environment later (adulthood) can mean anything from keeping a clean home, taking care of their own kids, or even paying their bills on time. Think of the chaos and stress arising from not paying your bills on time!

I read a suggestion from a book on potty training on one way to teach children responsibility. It supported making them clean their own soiled undies and splattered pee. My first thought was "child abuse!" but if you look at the big picture, it's not so bad.

Are we seriously going to throw a roll of paper towels at them and bellow, "Clean up that urine!" Of course not. If we really were to make them clean it up, we would show them step by step how to do so, and we would do it in a loving manner, right? They would figure out what a pain in the batoot it is when they don't control their elimination.

Now, don't get upset, here. I'm not saying you should do this. There are different opinions about such a chore, its age-appropriateness, or the issue of shaming them into using the potty, but think about it from a teaching perspective. How are they supposed to know the consequences of a free bladder and bowels? They have no idea that we have to clean up after them, nor do they care . . . unless . . . we teach them! It can be a simple matter of seeing the mess and saying, "Uh oh! Looks like we had an accident. That will happen sometimes and it's okay. But we do need to clean it up. Here, let me show you how."

When Do We Stop Doing Everything For Them?

Let's move the lesson of taking responsibility for oneself beyond the potty training issue. What about toys? How hard is it to teach them how to put plastic farm animals into a bucket each day? What about making them clean up the cup of milk they tossed to the floor because they were upset about yogurt for snack? It is not cruel, unusual, or crazy to make kids, even little ones, take responsibility for their toys, their messes, and their tantrums. Why should we assume responsibility for everything they do? By taking the responsibility on us, we teach them irresponsibility for their own behavior.

I know cleaning up after our toddler is routine, habit, and time-saving. It takes ten times longer to teach a kid to clean up, then hang around until they do it. It's so much easier to do it ourselves since we don't have fifteen minutes to monkey around and fight with Junior. We've got chores, work, school, errands . . . there is no time!

Here's the scenario this creates five years down the line, and the reason we need to _make_ time: Mandy's weekly job is to clean the bathroom. Given that she's six, you don't expect an adult job, but you do expect the effort and at least a smidgen of cleaner-than-it-was. However, Mandy never cleans the toilet. Every week you go in there and see a nasty ring around the water line, grunt with exasperation, and drag out the cleaner and brush to do it yourself, because you don't notice it until Mandy is at school. Because she isn't home, you can't exactly call her in there to do it, and heaven knows you'll forget about it in ten minutes.

Two months later, it dawns on you that she doesn't clean the toilet because she doesn't actually know how, doesn't know she's supposed to, and has no idea what you go on about when you nag. She's six! As long as the toilet flushes and nothing scary pops out of the water and bites her, who cares? They don't see dirt, pink water slime, or caked on poo poo.

This happened to my friend Amy. Rather than hop on the coddle wagon that she shouldn't expect a six-year-old to clean an entire bathroom, I wailed with exasperation, "Teach her to clean the dadgum toilet!" But Amy, juggling work and a hopelessly messy family, was convinced that it was easier to do it herself and avoid the drama. But think about it. Does this really make things easier in the long run?

The more we do everything for them, the more they see no need in doing it themselves. So by the time we think they are really capable and old enough to be introduced to chores, we've got a fight on our hands. And what do we do then? We entice them with allowance, of course.

Guh! Really? Allowance? Do you get paid for doing laundry and taking out the trash? No. You get paid for your outside or extra work. The kids can too. Why are we so averse to making our kids work and participate in household chores? Are we afraid they'll cry? Give us a dirty look? Are your kids ever going to grow up and have their own house? Hmmm. Makes me wonder how they will ever know how to make a bed, wash a dish, or turn on the stove.

I was in therapy with some third and fourth graders, and the process of making a bed came up. No joke, this group had NO idea how to make a bed. At all. I simply got blank stares in response to my queries. So I tried giving some cues. "You know, make a bed? You pull up the sheets, straighten the blankets . . . put . . . the . . . pillow . . .?" Nope. Nada. I left work that day weeping for our future.

I know it will kill you eight ways to Sunday, but make your child make their own bed. Toddlers can do this, I swear. And don't go "fixing" it up after they do it. Show them initially how it's done, then let them do it. Don't go in behind and make them feel like they did it wrong. So what if the comforter isn't just so? Walk away and control your need to control! And if you have a teenager, good grief. Make them get off their cans and stop being a pig.

Speaking of the Long Term . . .

Let me initiate you into the drama of forcing a six, seven, or eight-year-old to start doing a task that you've been taking care of for umpteen years. They do not see the need, they do not care, and they certainly do not want to break away from whatever screen their nose is attached to. This leads to sassy back-talk, escalating retorts from you, arguments, and more than a few tears.

I'm telling you, don't wait to start instilling a sense of responsibility, or you're toast. When we do not force toddlers to start taking responsibility for toddler-sized issues, then as they age, the issues get bigger right along with the child. It will tick you off when your child is clearly old enough to set the table, clean up a wet floor in the bathroom, carry their own soccer gear, and put their laundry in the hamper, yet refuse to do so because they know you'll do it or they simply couldn't give a hoot. The more you let it go, the more they think they have a right to act that way.

I know toddler moms are exhausted and looking for quick solutions to any and all problems, but your long-term self will be kicking your short-term thinking. If we want to ignore the fact that our toddlers will actually grow up, we must at least embrace the idea that day-to-day events build a person's character. Yes, it's mental torture to think beyond our frozen fish stick dinner and locating a clean bottle, but to lose sight of shaping our child's view of the world is folly. Continuing to clean up after our children may not sound so bad right now because you're probably used to it. But it's not that difficult to take one—just one—incident per day and make a lesson out of it.

What does this look like? It depends on the kid's age, but generally speaking, they are capable of much more than we think. Start by making them take care of their own space and toys. Work up to cleaning their own messes, putting away clothes, and helping with dinner. I don't know about you, but I refuse to be a slave to my kids. As cute and helpless as they are when babies, without guidance and responsibility, they can end up being unappreciative and unpleasant to be around! When we buy them everything they need, from toothpaste to shoes and food, they have no idea how or why it gets into their hands. And they need to know this before they leave the nest!

Working in schools, I see kids shirk responsibility ALL the time. It drives me wild. Drop a pencil in the hall . . . eh. Who cares? Throw a paper on the floor, whoop-de-doo. A seventh grader actually made a mess with scissors and paper and flung it all on my daughter's desk the other day, telling her to throw it away because it was her mess. EXCUSE ME? Luckily he said this to my daughter who won't take crap from anyone and she let him have it in a very socially appropriate way (score!) But seriously, what the blazes is that about? Why is it so hard to clean up after yourself?

Kids need to know the consequences of their laziness. Someone, somewhere, has to clean that up. It is rude and inconsiderate to make someone else pick up after you. At some point, kids will (hopefully!) have their own dorm room, apartment, or home. They need to know how to take care of and respect that space and those around them. It creates a stable environment for them! Filth and disorder is chaotic and unstable.

I Didn't Do It

Good gracious.

How many times do we run into kids who immediately deny any wrong doing? Did you hit your brother? _No, he's lying!_ Did you break this window? _No sir, not me!_ Did you just whack the dog on the nose? _Of course not—I don't know why he's whimpering._ Are you guys shooting paint balls at our house? _I know it looks bad because I've got a paint ball gun in my hand, but honest, it wasn't me!_

My husband and nine-year-old were outside watering the grass a few weeks ago when some older teenage boys drove by on a golf cart. Just cruisin' the neighborhood, no big deal. They stare at my husband, so he gives a friendly wave and says, "Hi." As soon as those kids get past our driveway, in an attempt to impress his friends, one of the boys calls out something about what he'd like to do with our daughter that was so inappropriate that I can't even write it down. Use your imagination.

To say we were stunned does not even begin to cover it. What knuckle-head teenager says that to the father of a nine-year-old? What possesses him to be so brazen and rude?

My husband dashes over to the one who said it. "Did you just say what I think you said?!" Silence. Then the others pipe up, "No sir, we didn't say anything!"

You begin to wonder what kind of upbringing the boy has had to make it blasé to shoot his mouth off like that. Surely the kid wise cracks to his parents. Do they tolerate it? Think it's endearing? What happened, from the time that boy was a toddler, to make him think he could get away with saying something so utterly wrong and unkind?

Parents, listen up. He acts that way because someone lets him. He never apologized, never admitted saying what he did, and he never so much as made eye contact with my husband. Where, where, where is the responsibility? His parents were even told what happened, but if they gave him a punishment, we were told nothing about it. So that leads one to believe that they either chose to ignore it for whatever reason, or they couldn't give a flip. So as far as we know, not only did the kid shirk responsibility, but so did the parents. And with that, they are teaching —correction, downright training— that kid to be irresponsible.

You're probably thinking, "My baby will never, ever do something like that!" and you may be right. But why? What makes you think so? Are you holding your child accountable for their misbehaviors?

Day to day, toddler moms struggle to keep from collapsing, complaining, and losing their mind while juggling pre-school, too much television, screaming fits, and epic battles over food. Who has the time to deal with or even think about anything remotely long-term? So what if they bit their friend yesterday? They're a toddler! They're supposed to bite people, right? Hmmmm. There's a slight problem when you go along in life, letting things go and letting things go. Pretty soon your go is gone and you're left in the dust wondering what happened and why you're getting weekly phone calls from your child's kindergarten teacher.

As much as you love your kids and think they will end up being kind-hearted individuals simply because you are a kind, nice person, think again. While setting an example goes a long way, the child-rearing road is not a straight shot and you're done. There are twists, turns, bumps, and breakdowns. That means the kid will push for limits, and you provide them! Correct poor behavior, make them apologize for hurting or offending others, and SHOW them how to be kind.

Anyone can be a parent. It takes a little more care and fortitude to raise that kid to be somewhat decent. But it takes day to day, hands-on, forethought guidance to actually mold that child into a respectful, responsible person. Don't kid yourself into denial on this. As time passes, you will run into kids that you absolutely know are not being guided well. They will hurt others emotionally or even physically. You will see it, and you will most likely ignore it . . . until the action is directed at your own child. At that point, the gloves will come off. And when you calm down, think about how much YOU are doing to ensure your child doesn't behave in a similar manner.

Think of the stability you are setting up for your child as she grows. When children do not act considerate, they will end up having unhealthy relationships with others. The kids and adults who are kind and helpful will not gravitate toward a personality that is not similar! So if the "good" kids are not hanging around with the "less than considerate" kids, this creates an unstable environment for those misguided children. They will choose friends who are also inconsiderate, possibly get into trouble at school, and miss the opportunity to develop relationships that are mutually beneficial.

The Blame Game

Not only do kids tend to deny any wrong doing, they'll blame it on someone else before the accused even has time to figure out what happened. What is with that? Is the terror of punishment so great? I'd say yahoo since it means there is still a modicum of healthy fear and respect for adults, but I honestly don't see kids getting too worked up over getting in trouble. This leaves simply not wanting to take responsibility. Where did we go wrong in teaching our babies to blame siblings, dogs, and cooties? Place the blame anywhere but front and center because _he did it, not me!_

When I was in second grade, heaven help me, my neighbor friend and I wanted to know what would happen if we put his two cats into the baby swimming pool. Genius minds at work, I must say. While one could say with pretty solid certainty that the cats wouldn't drown in four inches of water, and we had no intention of actually hurting those cute furballs, our teeny tiny brains were still in "off" mode. After a few minutes of logistical debate and working up our nerve (we were stupid, but not that stupid—and we knew it was wrong), we counted to three, and each set in one cat.

I can't recall if we were surprised that the poor cats scrambled out of the pool in a frenzy, but I do remember his mom holding a wet cat and confronting us afterward, "Who did this?!" We immediately pointed to each other and said in unison, "He did!/She did!"

This memory is particularly painful because (a) I love cats and (b) I hated getting into trouble. If my husband would relent, I'd be the neighborhood cat lady; the one who has a feline on every piece of furniture, hair flying everywhere, and a house that smells like Friskies. So to think back on subjecting a cat to water for no good reason, my Catholic guilt overwhelms and I feel the need to cross myself and say a few hundred Hail Mary's.

Aside from the fact that the kitties were unharmed, my only solace is that after the initial finger-pointing blame that we gave each other, I clarified to mom with, "He put in Socks; I put in Tiger." Thank goodness I at least did that. The rotten kid fessed up. (Halfway. Sort of.) I still feel so horrible about it that it's a life-long mission of mine to train my kids on how to be kind to animals.

Animals are one of many responsibilities we have as adults, and teaching children to care for them is an excellent way to practice caring for others. Since this incident, I am much more aware of how my actions affect others. I want my kids to learn this lesson. They may think me a nag for all the fussing I do over animals, but I did the same thing for them when they were babies! It takes putting others first. Although they are not always thrilled about dropping what they are doing to feed or take the new puppy outside, if I don't teach them, who will?

As a substitute speech therapist, my job includes roaming the halls of preschool, primary, secondary, and high schools to collect kids for therapy. In the process, I tend to police those halls, barking corrections or telling kids to make a hole so I can get by. Rare it is indeed that I catch a kid in the act of roughing up another or racing through the hall, and after issuing an admonition, they immediately fess up and apologize. Rather, it's usually something along the lines of, "But he bumped me!" or "My last teacher let us out late so I have to run to my next class!" Unh huh. And I've got a pet skunk. The fact that you just came from lunch and you're running down the hall makes that story so utterly believable, kid.

As a mom and educator, it's easy to understand that kids go through a process of learning how the world works, and we shouldn't expect them to act like adults. But we absolutely must stop teaching these kiddos that they can get away with most of what they try to pull off, and we must start teaching them to take responsibility. Those little toddler-issues that aren't such a big deal—e.g., they run from us as we tell them to "come here," or whine when you tell them it's time to go—these things snowball and culminate into a very unpleasant and irresponsible child, simply because our inaction teaches them that this behavior is okay. And seriously, I've seen a kindergartener stomp and whine. It's darn unattractive, not to mention embarrassing for the mom. But not so embarrassing as to do anything about it.

Phones, Texting, & Electronic Yuk

Okay, so I'm skipping ahead a bit since your toddler won't actually get a gold-plated, latest and greatest phone for another few years, but let me just say, oh my GOSH. Use of phones, iPads, tablets, and electronic do-hickeys are a huge challenge to supervise when teaching kids to be responsible and accountable. When it comes to sending messages, how easy is it to text someone a hateful note? Read any posted comments online or look at any product review and you'll find that not only do people say the most horrible and spiteful things, they can't form a complete sentence or spell those vile words to save their lives. It would be funny if it weren't so sad.

So first off is the spell check. Obviously, not everyone uses it, and if they don't, forget the concept of proofreading. I was emailing someone on my daughter's iPad and nearly threw the thing across the room because it kept auto correcting my text, adding apostrophe's and even capitalized my words. One could argue it helps people do things faster, but I say it encourages us to be outright lazy and irresponsible for our own words, spelling, grammar, and attitude. I realize that if you understand what someone means when they write, "LOL, txt ltr, wubwubwub, luv to rite but eating nw, om nom," then you may not think it necessary to actually learn how to spell those things correctly, but at some point in life, that skill may be needed. By that time, if our auto correct can't figure it out, we may all be in a world of hurt b/c no 1 wl no how to lk it up.

Next up with texting and techie communication is the hate factor. Not only does being odious online teach us that hate is okay, it encourages the inaccurate assumption that it's acceptable to act that way in our day-to-day interactions. When a person is not accountable for online comments, not only does it fill your soul with negative energy, it gives us practice putting those negative thoughts into action when there is an actual person in front of us. If we can get away with it online, then maybe we can get away with it at school, a store, or restaurant.

I cannot stress enough how detrimental this hate practice is to our kids.

The world is rife with hate and incivility. People write poisonous comments online without a second thought. So it's horrible enough that adults engage in this behavior on any level, but handing our kids over to the online devil without supervision and limits is an enormous mistake. Granted, we cannot get around the exposure factor; they will read it all the time. They will see the garbage chat-posting, they will get hateful texts, and they will be exposed to the big bad world of online. That doesn't mean we have to accept it.

Remember to supervise. Do not let them loose on the web. Guide your child on online kindness and responsibility for their actions. And make sure that you define "actions" to include the little movements that your fingers do to type out thoughts.

Chapter Eight: Encourage Back Talk and Yelling

As parents, we encourage backtalk right from the get-go. As soon as those little babies can stomp their feet and protest, we let them. It's kind of cute at first. I mean really, how funny is it to see our cutie patootie give her first pouty face because she can't have more chocolate on her banana? Adorable! Get a picture, quick! Post it asap so our entire gaggle of friends can see how loveable our child is!

Nothing wrong with all of this; it IS cute. But it stops being cute when they start the tantrums because they can't _always_ have that chocolate on their banana, or you refuse to dole out ice cream before they eat their green beans. The transition creeps up on you so stealthily that you're tackled and on the floor before you even figure out there's a monster behind you.

If we don't teach alternative behaviors early, back talk leads to moping, yelling, tantrums, and miscommunication. **This does not help your child learn skills to successfully negotiate conflict.** And life is full of a whole lot of conflict!

Whining

Whining is the first step to backtalk. It's nearly impossible to squash, because that's how the poor kid communicates when they don't know English. They put their chubby little hands out, reach for a desired object, and give a convincing, "uuunnnhhhhh!" From there, we know they want a bottle or binky or our arms to snuggle in. We are listening to their communication and showing them that we understand.

After that, it's a whiny demand for everything. They cry when they want a stuffed animal, cry when they're hurt, when they're tired, or sick, or hungry, or cry when they just want you to stop shoving crackers at them to stop crying. This stage in their life (and yours) is the mighty battle of can't-talk-yet, but-still-need-to-communicate. It's a tall order to get them to cut it out when they can't actually tell you, "Wow, my ear is in some hefty pain," or "I actually hate squished up peas . . . can I have the applesauce instead?"

We don't exactly want this communication to stop, but we could definitely do without the dramatics. It wears a parent down. However, in our need to simply get through the day, we let this whining continue. This makes sense as the quicker we solve whatever the whining is about, the quicker we can move on to paying for our groceries and getting the heck out of Dodge before the grocery police come and arrest us for violating noise ordinances in a public place.

It is in this that we perpetuate the problem. Giving in to whining means more whining, because it works. Junior's in hot-diggety land every time he gets what he wants. So to a toddler, why fix what isn't broken? Why should he learn how to communicate without whining when he's actually communicating just fine, thank you very much.

We need to teach alternatives to whining. Giving in to whining sets the expectation that demands, wails, and scrunched, teary faces are the politically correct form of negotiation. Then they get older and learn to speak. Pair that with endless wants, and boom. There you go. Recipe for backtalk.

As far as teaching alternatives, you have to look at the child's age and how much they understand. I go in depth in my other toddler books (there is too much information to address here), but you can also look online on ways to address whining. The biggest concern is going to be whining when they are sick, tired, or hungry. Making sure that physical needs are met is the first step to avoiding whining. When needs are met and they are still whining, you must communicate alternatives. For example, "I need you to be patient while I get your toys. Here, you may play with this hat while you wait." Give them something to do, something to focus on, and tell and show them what you'd like to see in their behavior instead of whining. You can literally use both tones of voice to show them what you want. "Instead of saying, _Noooo, I want thaaat one!_ [said in a whiney voice] I need you to say [using a calm voice] _Daddy, this one please_."

Expectations

It is difficult, exhausting, and really quite silly to stretch ourselves and think about expectations with a toddler, right? I mean, they're babies. What on earth are we supposed to expect from them? They run from us, fuss, hurt themselves, and get dirty all the time. Oh, and they never sleep, constantly eat while hardly eating anything at all (only a toddler mom can figure that one out), swat us here and there, and love to take off all their clothes and tootle around naked. So what is this expectation nonsense about?

Let's do an analogy. How would you feel if you were plopped down in a remote village in Burkina Faso, Africa? Never heard of it? Sorry. You're there and you need to figure it out. You don't know jack squat about this little village; you don't know the language, where you will stay or eat, how you will travel, or what the social rules are. And you have no guide. A little scary? Not that they would roast you on a bamboo stick over an open fire and eat you for dinner, but you'd still be wandering around, lost and confused. You don't know how to act, how to communicate, or even whether crying will get you any sympathy. But to your utter relief, one day some nice lady feeds your starving self some bread. Thank goodness! So you show up the next day expecting the same, and—oh crap—she chases you away brandishing a soup ladle, hollering African profanities.

Perplexing? Of course it is.

When you are inconsistent with your rules, your child has no idea if he will get bread or a soup ladle. Consistent expectations give a solid sense of surroundings and a sense of what is acceptable and not. If fits of yelling or kicking has worked before, he'll keep at it. And it's no wonder why he kicks it up a hundred notches when you try to put your foot down. He's just coming back for more bread, and you're the lunging African lady waving a soup ladle. Confusing! You've haven't taught your child what to do or how to behave instead, so yelling and kicking is the only thing he knows. He turns up the volume in order to stir your guilt and get the show on the road. Where's the bread?!

Believe it or not, it's very important to set expectations early—about everything. You set expectations on your daily schedule, which in turn sets expectations on their play, eat, and sleep times. You set expectations on how much they can destroy your house, throw food, holler all night, or run from you when you go to pick them up. And you set expectations on how they are allowed to communicate with you. Hitting versus shaking their head no. Hmm. Which is more appropriate?

Expectations set the tone for your entire childrearing experience! The parent who is calm but firm is the parent who expects that child will behave in a certain way. That child will certainly push it to make sure there's no wiggle room, but that's their job. They push. And if you don't give in, all is peachy (sort of). Kids are happy to have limits and boundaries. Why do you think they push so much to find them? They feel secure and happy when they know what is expected of them.

Mushy, back and forth emotional parenting is exactly the way to go if you want a confused, demanding child. If you tell them one day that they can't have chips for a snack, yet let them have it the next, you've just muddled their brain. Be consistent with your rules!

When you let your child get away with tantrums, yelling, or demanding behavior, you are teaching him that it is okay. This is bad news as the child ages. At minimum, he knows that arguing with you—and whatever it is you want him to do—is the way to communicate.

Communication, Escalating Brain, & Anger

Teaching our kids that raising volume and inserting a few physical acrobats into the mix is like adding gasoline to a fire. The whining or fits may be little now, but they will get bigger and bigger as the child ages. The goal is to de-escalate their growing brains, not ramp them up. But if we don't know how to communicate and discipline, then they don't learn out how to communicate or act appropriately. You're left with a big soup of miscommunication, tantrums, and ugliness.

When thinking of an escalating brain, my take on it may be different than what one would think. Considering behavior, an escalating brain is one that is getting ramped up in a negative way. If a mommy is paying attention, she knows the signs. Maybe the kid's face will get red, a little hand hits the high chair tray, the eyes give a certain mischievous glance . . . all signs of an escalating brain. If it continues to ramp up, you will get whining, fussing, screaming, or tantrums.

Fueling the fire can equate to blabbering on and on about why they can't do x, y, or z. Or it can be as simple as taking away a spoon that he's using to bang on a table. Once you make the wrong move, the brain gets escalated, and anger starts boiling.

How could you avoid ramping it up? Well, you could start by having a calm and authoritative demeanor and simply put your hand on the banging spoon. Or you could turn your head away and give no attention to the behavior. It all depends on the situation, but suffice it to say, if you give the kid the opposite of what he is looking for (attention, a want, a thing, or wanting you to leave him alone are all biggies) then you teach him that the behavior does not get what he wants.

As an over-all rule, your goal is to de-escalate their brain and keep them from going bonzo, but you have to understand that there is a certain amount of fit-throwing that your child will do no matter what. Sometimes it's to test you (and we usually give in, so he's generally correct in assuming we'll roll over), sometimes it is over stimulation, or sometimes there is a physical need. But whatever the reason, we cannot give our children the unspoken message that the behavior is okay. Otherwise, they will have absolutely no negotiation skills as they age.

Negotiate This, Buck-o

Let's see . . . how does toddler negotiation go? "Aaaaannnhh!" "Noo!" Flopping to the ground, what-are-you-going-to-do-about-it stares, stomping feet, and a few smacks here and there. And that's just with adults. Throw another toddler in there and it's a free-for-all. This nonsense, as they age, turns into much more frightening nonsense, as you are forced to manually remove a Kindergartener or first grader from public facilities—that is, IF you have any fight left in you at all.

Another minus to bad behavior is that other people refer to your child (behind your back, of course) as a super-brat. Not to mention their ten minute discussions over why you can't seem to get control of your child and the colossal disrespect she displays when you simply tell her it's time to go home. Yikes! The screaming outbursts look absolutely contrived to the unfamiliar observer, yet mommy is so snowed by her love that she cannot see the giant letters written in the sky: M-A-N-I-P-U-L-A-T-I-O-N

When kids "negotiate" it's basically 90% manipulation and 10% appropriate requests. I was just volunteering at my daughter's elementary book fair, and out of the three and a half hours I was there, only one kid made a fuss. Fourth grader, no less. And guess who was standing right next to him? The parent! The kid hears, "It's time to go," and he stomps a foot, slaps a book on the table, and shoots out an insolent toned, "Uunh! I'm not finished!" The parent mutters something soothing and tries to help him wrap up, but in the process a book gets knocked off the table, which the kid just looks at and walks off. HELLO! Pick the dadgum book up off the floor!

And here lies the climax. Does the parent make the kid come back, pick up the book, and place it on the table respectfully, or does the parent take care of the poor book and overlook the entire incident? I wonder.

As I watched the parent pick up the book and ignore the outburst that would have had me crawling under a table with embarrassment, my first thought was, "What a brat! Why is that parent picking up the book for him?" My second thoughts were of the lost opportunity to instruct that kid on how to negotiate a few more minutes to browse titles. It is not hard to tell a child, "Pick up the book and apologize to me. That behavior is not okay. The next time you're upset and would like to stay, you can ask me, 'Dad, can we stay for five more minutes? I haven't found what I want yet.'"

I realize that many parents don't have the tools in their toolbox or have guilt of some sort (don't spend enough time with Junior, or Junior is a miracle baby after three miscarriages), so you think kid-gloves are needed. But you are doing the child no favors, and making your own life that much more miserable in the process.

My youngest child just went to a horseback riding birthday party at a stable, and oh my gosh. I made clear to my good friend hosting that I was not happy with her (as if it was her fault) for opening a can of worms. I will hear nothing but "I want horseback riding lessons!" for a week. Sure enough, as soon as my nine-year-old daughter got off that horse, it started. And you would think there was nothing in the world that mattered more: food, candy, stuffed animals, a loving home, fingers and toes . . . nah. It's all about the lessons.

I spent the rest of that day and most of the next trying to guide my daughter on how to negotiate her way to a six-week package of lessons costing $185. Negotiation that does not include, by the way, whining, irritability, incessant needling, backtalk, or sad faces and crocodile tears. Ugh! If there is anything that makes me want to say "NO" more than that, I can't think of it.

We ended up finding a solution in which she contributes to the cost, but it took a long time (since her piggy bank was flat broke from buying stuffed animals and other must-haves) and was a significant life lesson for her. And the whole time I was thinking, "What am I supposed to do here? How do I channel her energy to something positive and teach her patience?"

None of us are immune. It doesn't matter how much you think you know about behavior or child rearing, kids will push and make you question your resolve and principles. No matter how much backtalk irks us, there's always that voice in the back of our minds wanting to give our child the benefit of the doubt.

When we forego limits and do not teach kids how to negotiate effectively and appropriately, we are unknowingly encouraging our children to be incapable of interacting with others and figuring out how to get things done. Instead, they learn that backtalk gets the job done just as well, albeit with a few groundings and detentions thrown into the mix just for some adventure. Listen, the world is already full of jerks. We don't need to create more.

I Don't Know!

Here we go with the I-don't-know business. Is it really back talk? Technically, no, but the general attitude with an _I-don't-know_ response is defensive or clueless. Neither of those are introspective or conducive to healthy communication. Right now, your toddler is learning the ropes of life and soaking in what to say and how to act in different situations. Most of what he hears probably ranges along the lines of "good job" or "no, no, no!" So when they scatter an entire pack of printer paper, pull off their diaper and poop in the bed, or dump baby powder all over the bathroom, we don't ask why. We just yell. They see our reaction and think, "Hmm. That's not pleasant. Wonder what went wrong there?" They don't get it, and while we can teach them responsibility for the little issues that are appropriate for their age, the big honkers that make us scream in frustration are often beyond their capability to understand or clean up—you know, like that crystal vase they just shattered all over your tile?

But as kids age, they gradually learn right from wrong, do from don't, and better-wait from do-it-now. They just don't always have great control over governing their actions. By the time they reach about four-years-old, they can utter some pretty insightful and fascinating things, so we assume their brains are thinking things through when it comes to behavior and the outcomes of their actions. It's about this time that we start firing off "Why did you do that" questions. Their response? They generally go a little blank. Why did you just pour an entire cup of milk onto my carpet? _I don't know!_ Why did you just throw your lunch in the toilet? _I don't know._ Why didn't you clean your room like I asked? _I don't know._

Using "why" questions as a response to misbehavior rarely turns out well. You have to understand that starting a sentence with an accusatory _why...?_ is not inviting a conversation; it is inviting that person to be on the defensive. Think about it. When someone asks you a question starting with _why_ , we generally put our little pot on the burner and start it boiling. "Why didn't you put gas in the car today?" "Why are we having quiche for dinner again?" "Why are you spending so much money?" Ummm hmmm. The steam is rising.

When we put our kids on the spot and ask questions starting with _why_ , they are not going to self-reflect and give a good answer. Sure, they are used to being corrected and told what not to do (whereas adults are not and thus our teapot gets ready to blow), but it still gets filed away under "whatever." They pop off with _I don't know_ , in answer to our questions, because they really don't care and haven't given it a moment's thought beyond, "I might get in trouble." And even that probably doesn't register until after the fact.

Additionally, just because the question doesn't invite a conversation, it doesn't mean they are given a pass. We certainly cannot blame the kids for their responses when we have not asked the question in a way that promotes a conversation, but we also cannot let it go simply because there was a communication breakdown. Sometimes we'd genuinely like to know what on earth is going through their brain when they jump off the roof trying to be Superman. Even though it's bound to put them on the defensive, their answer of _I don't know_ , is not acceptable.

This is when parents need to take a step back and re-attempt the communication process; say it differently. "Tell me how your day was going." Then, "So what made you decide to jump off the roof?" The first question may actually give you some insight before you even get to the second one. Listen, most of the time, kids DO know _why_ , they just don't want to admit fault or make the effort to rationalize through the answer. And sometimes they just need you to listen to their frustrations.

However, if they truly don't know why, parents need to help them understand. Kids are not stupid, and it merely takes some thinking to figure out the answer. It is our job to help them put it into words. "Why didn't you wipe down the table?" you ask. The child shrugs, "I don't know." So walk through it with them. Were you tired? Did you get distracted with a movie? Are you just being lazy? Kids need parents to help them define the reason, acknowledge it, and own up to it. All of this develops conflict negotiation skills! Looking introspectively helps kids see another point of view. Perspective taking is difficult and needs to be taught. If you cannot see another person's perspective, you will always think your own perspective is the only correct one.

Yelling

Consistent yelling is a sure fire way to undermine the development of conflict negotiation skills. Now, I'm not about to say that you can't ever yell, because it's an unrealistic goal. We are going to lose our cool here and there, and it comes out in our voice. With any grace or luck, it will stop there and we will not spank or be physical with our kids for no good reason. If they're about to get hit by a car, arm grabbing and pulling to safety is in order. And a little yelling for good measure may make them think twice about ignoring cars. But yelling because we're having a bad day, or yelling simply to get control of our kids is just plain not good.

Not only is this not good, it doesn't accomplish a darn thing except paving the way to arguments. There are some people that ramp up the volume any time there is the slightest disagreement. Why is that? Do they think the rest of us are deaf? Unintelligent? Unable to comprehend a sentence? Do they think that we just don't get it and raising their voice will help us listen, understand, and agree?

Unspoken Message

Let me get something clear, here. Yelling sends a message alright. It tells your children and the people around you that you don't care. Whether that is your intent or not, and no matter how ridiculous that sounds to you, it is the unspoken message behind the shouted words. The rest of us are too stupid to understand and we don't deserve the respect that effective communication requires: normal voice, reworded message, and a sensitivity to differing communication styles.

Some kids need things spelled out. That doesn't mean they are ignorant. It just means their mind works differently, or they are distracted, or they are just still learning how to process information. There are other kids who will quickly understand a short, concise message and don't appreciate you going on and on about something. To them, it feels like a lecture, whereas to you, it's needed to get all your points across.

Everyone has their own communication needs, but I'm pretty darn sure that yelling is not one of them. It indicates a lack of knowledge on how to communicate. I have seen families (all adults, mind you) who yell and get it all out, and then they are fine and lovey dovey by the next day. This confuses the tar out of me. Mere acceptance of the communication pattern does not mean it is good! All that yelling indicates dysfunction and unhealthy patterns. There's still plenty of emotional pain and hurt with the outbursts, no matter how much you kiss and make up. Modeling this communication pattern to children invites a future of yelling at friends and family, not a future of effectively solving problems. Eeek!

Yelling is Not Discipline

Yelling means you have lost control. If you are not in control, then you need to give it up, step away, and start over when you calm down. When it comes to toddlers, yelling is in no way, shape, or form, discipline. Discipline means "to teach." How does it guide and teach to yell at someone who can barely understand English?

No matter how upset you are or how bad the crime, yelling causes bad things to happen. Kids will stop listening to you, and you are giving negative attention. That has absolutely no effect on teaching them how to behave appropriately. In fact, it does the opposite. It trains them that to get your attention (even if it is negative, yelling attention) they have to do something "wrong." They dismiss anything you said in a raised voice, because the goal is your focus, not your words. Yelling becomes associated with the only form of attention they know how to consistently get from you. They roll with it and accept the yelling as the way it is.

Generally speaking, toddler infractions are pretty black and white. They did something wrong, they should have done it better, and it's your job to explain the better way. What we do NOT do is holler at them to cut it out. Yelling at them to, "STOP!" only gets you so far. It's the alarm that tells them to freeze, but then what? How will they know what to do instead if you don't tell them and show them how?

Parental yelling will happen, but try to catch yourself. For example, once they freeze from your yell, immediately switch your voice back to calm. If they are old enough to understand, you can say something like, "Wow! That was great stopping. Thank you. Walking under the oven while I'm taking out a hot dish is dangerous. You can get burned. See these mitts? That means I've got a hot dish. If you need to tell me something you can stand right here [physically show them where] and wait until I'm finished." Then put it in question form to go over the information again with them. "So, how do you know when I've got something hot?" "Show me; where do you stand when I've got a hot dish?"

You may be sick of hearing this, but it's crucial. **You have to tell your kids what they should do instead.** That means in every situation, every day, all the time. It's relentless, it sucks, and it works. The how-to details are in my other toddler books, so there's no need to be redundant here, but suffice it to say, you have to change your thinking to the exact opposite of what you are used to! Telling them what you _want_ to see instead of what you _don't_ is a mind bender and takes practice.

Is it a Societal Thing?

It seems to me that we have accepted yelling as a tolerable form of communication and conveniently dismiss any long term effects. Reality shows are all about yelling and conflict. It draws us in like a train wreck. We are compelled to watch, shaking our heads in disgust, or we dive right in and start yelling at the screen as if we were right there with the people fighting. Either way, we have absorbed it and will think about it. Thinking about it puts our brain through the exercise, and that makes us all the more used to yelling as a conversational method.

While yelling and conflict may make good TV ("good" is a loosely used term here) it is not a good model of how to act in real life. It doesn't teach children how to negotiate conflicts successfully. But our kids see it and soak it in. Have you ever just sat back and watched little kids play? Half the time, it's all about conflict. The boys constantly try to kill each other's soldiers or wreck another kid's toy car. The girls get their Barbies in a tiff over who is going to what party and why Barbie One is being so hateful to Barbie Two, so Barbie One is now off the invitation list, which starts a host of name calling and a "playful" screaming match. Pretty soon, the wielder of Barbie Two is in real tears, on route to find an adult and complain that "their Barbie is not being nice to mine!" I swear, I feel a headache coming on.

Seriously, have you stopped to notice how the playful acting out usually turns into something real and one kid or group of kids gets their feelings hurt or someone even gets physically injured? And just where did they learn this behavior? Why do they feel the need to role play in such a way? I know the guns and destruction thing is part of being a kid, but there is a point to which someone else can get physically hurt or they start learning that harsh and violent communication is the way things work. It makes my hair stand on end to see the way kids treat each other sometimes.

Which leads us to parents. It's difficult to keep our children from being exposed to violence and yelling. They see it on media outlets all the time, and not all of it is in our control. But we _can_ stop modeling the yelling in our own home. We _can_ teach acceptable conflict resolution and negotiation skills. This starts with slowing down our horrifically fast-paced lives, learning how to talk to our toddlers using their language, and honoring the gift we have been given. They have been entrusted to us, and the very least we can do is not damage that precious life.

Teaching Kids to Yell

It's bad enough that our toddlers seem to love the word _No!_ Do we really have to reinforce that love by modeling the word for them over and over until it's 80% of what we say all day? Aye yieyie. They reach for a light socket: "No!" They head for the stairs: "No!" They run from us at the store: "NO!" And oh, there goes the arm, reared back with a fist full of ketchup-covered-mac-and-cheese, poised and ready to aim at our newly installed carpet: "No! No, no, no!!"

We say this day in and day out, and we say it in a raised voice. Is it any wonder where our kids learned it and why they use it so much? Sadly, this is just the beginning of the outbursts if we don't take it down a notch and start modeling conflict negotiation for our babies by teaching them(a) what we want to see instead, and (b) how to communicate what they want in an appropriate way.

We do this by first modeling a calm, firm authority and replacing our _No!_ with something that communicates _no_ without actually using the word; something like "anh!" or "unh uh" works just fine. Then we turn our gut reaction of "Cut it out" into "Hands to yourself" or "Quiet hands." This tells them what we want to see instead. Lastly, we guide the child on what to say and do. If they are grabbing, we block or take their hand and tell them, "Say, 'I want that please.'"

Yelling is not communication. The way to reach toddlers is by using prompts: physical, visual, modeling, gesture, and verbal. Physical prompts are the most effective because we are using touch to guide the child on what we want. Verbal is the least effective (surprised?) and we use it the most by habit. This unknown blunder is what frustrates parents to no end. We use way too many verbal prompts given the wrong way. We talk too much! Too many steps, too much direction, or constant yammering only confuses our kids.

For example, when getting dressed, parents will yak: "Put on your shirt. Take those pants off, they don't match. Put the blues ones on instead. Put on these socks. Oh man, you can't find the blue pants? Where did they go? They aren't in that drawer? Look again . . ." and so on and so on. Then the parent wonders why the heck the kid can't dress himself when the task has been reiterated four hundred times. It's too much information to process and the instructions are inconsistent.

If you top that off with our instructions being in a raised voice ("Let go of the book!" "Hold still!" "I told you to stop that!"), you've got a kid who won't listen to what you say and who figures that being heard requires some hefty vocals.

Listening Button Gets Turned OFF

Speaking of yelling to be heard, why is it our kids do that again? Oh yeah, because we don't listen to them either. We don't look them in the eye and focus on what they're saying. They keep yelling louder and interrupting more, just to get us to listen to their comment that Daddy has on funny shoes. Why do we not listen? Because they have eight million of these inconsequential and useless comments. While cute in the beginning, we actually have dinner to prepare or a person to talk to. We're tired of hearing about frog's blue spots, and we certainly can't find the energy to care that they want a box of Kleenex open NOW. Good grief!

So we continue to ignore, and they continue to yell. Eventually we give them a half-hearted, "What honey?" and they tell us for the twelfth time that their backpack zipper is stuck. We reply, "Oh, that's nice," and go right back to our internet search of ear plugs. Apparently satisfied, they trot off to the next thing, only to come back in five minutes with another loud concern.

Not only have we reinforced that their yelling gets only minor attention from us, we teach them how to listen when someone is talking. Uh-oh. Yes indeed my friends, they learn how to react when someone yells, and that reaction would be along the lines of, "Did you say something? Because I'm not really paying attention."

Now we have this lovely pattern of everyone yelling for attention, no one listening, and each person getting frustrated because they expect some astoundingly different results than what they always get. Will someone please pull up the definition of insanity? We keep communicating how we've always communicated and hold on to some crazy hope that the other person will stop being so difficult.

When we listen to our kids—really listen—we model how to negotiate conversation and respond to people; the path to successful conflict resolution. But if we don't communicate well in the first place, how do we change our patterns and stop teaching our kids bad communication habits? Well, if we don't have the tools in our toolbox, we need to go get a different toolbox: research, read a book, or seek the counsel of a therapist (don't look at this as negative; a good therapist can open many doors to healthy and effective communication!) Figure out ways to start off conversations better or steer them in a more positive direction when they get out of control. When we figure out how to communicate as adults, we can pass on that knowledge by guiding our children to form healthy habits.

Communicating better means there is no reason to yell. And when we turn off the yeller, we've set up an entirely different way of life and thinking. We let go of that guilt for yelling at our little ones, we teach our toddlers how to communicate without screaming, and we feel less frustrated throughout the day. If our kids can do the same thing, they will be more successful as they step out into the world.

Chapter Nine: Put Kids First

Hold on there, ye fire breathing dragon. Don't go bonkers because "put kids first" is on a list of how we screw up our offspring. I know what you're thinking, and don't interpret this to mean that you must stop prioritizing your children's needs. First off, that's not the point, and second, how is that even possible? How do you not prioritize a poopy diaper? Or a child going head first into a toilet on a mission of exploration? Of course you need to prioritize your children! Keeping them safe and healthy is our Earthly mission.

What I really mean is, we need to stop making the world revolve around them or "worshiping" them. Big difference. When we stop the where-should-we-eat conversation with our husband to ask our three-year-old to make the decision for us, we've gone off the deep end. Plunk!

When we give our young kids too much control over decisions, and go overboard in providing "comfort," we undermine humility and the ability to downsize comfort levels.

I remember the day when my generation was kind of a thorn in our parents' side. At the very least, we were an afterthought: in the way of what they wanted to do and where they wanted to go. And then I think back to our grandparents and great-grandparents. Not only were kids not any fun, they were really born out of a lack of birth control or a need for more working hands in the field. Mortality rates weren't terrific, so the more you had, the better your chances of having a handful that survived and could take care of the others and live on to help the family hunt and gather.

Okay, so maybe I exaggerate just a tiny bit. But it really does depend on how old you are. Despite your lavish life now, there really was a time when your ancestors literally had to fight for survival. We have come a long, long way in our parental thinking. Indulgence is perfectly normal no matter if both parents have to work to attain that lifestyle. We do it just to have the finer things in life. While there are still those uncaring parents who treat their children poorly, most of us fall all over ourselves to provide comfort, entertainment, and frankly, excess. When we do this, kids don't have an idea of what it's like to go without. They grow up without a sense of sympathy or empathy for those in need, those less fortunate, or those that are simply different. This can lead to a superiority complex and unkind behavior toward others. It can also lead to spoiled behavior. As they hit adulthood and must venture out on their own, they are not going to embrace the idea of having less than they grew up with.

The Price of Adorable

Parents of toddlers should look at the teenagers in their community and think about what road their precious offspring are headed down. This road often starts with cute things like the most expensive toy kitchen money can buy, or a room bursting with toys. Kids get older, toys get bigger; the latest cell phone, designer jeans, thousands of dollars in athletic equipment, and brand new cars. Indulgent mindsets don't stop at toy kitchens.

My cousin has an absolutely adorable eight-month-old, and at a recent family gathering, she was a baby advertisement for cute-a-roo. Her frilly pink outfit was complimented by a fluffy bow secured to her bald little head with a matching froo-froo headband. Since babies don't generally like fluff-n-stuff on their heads, the bow was quickly removed with chubby little hands and rescued from a slobbery demise by Uncle Adam. Trying to convince her that the bow was much cuter on her head, Uncle Adam attempted to demonstrate by putting it on his own head. As soon as mom caught sight of that bow being stretched across an adult head, she practically yelled, "Noooo, don't! That bow cost sixteen dollars!"

After the initial gasp from all the non-parents in the group, the horrified family members immediately started ribbing mom on the ill-considered matter of spending so much on a hair bow that will be worn all of (maybe) three times. Mom—and all the other parents of baby girls standing around—immediately rallied around the fact that cute bows just cost that much. Plain and simple. Armani, Burberry, Baby Dior, and Dolce and Gabbana do not come cheap. A sweet little Stella McCartney ruffle bib dress with bloomers will run about, what? The same as a typical monthly phone bill?

Seriously, I don't know a mom alive who doesn't see these things and start squealing with delight. The cuteness factor overwhelms the senses. The grounded side of you may say that's nuts, but the indulgent side of you cries, "Live a little!" And off we go into the cycle of nothing-is-too-good-for-you-my-sweet-child. It is all about expensive clothes, furniture, and toys, and a great deal of it to boot.

The Value of Comfort

And just what is so bad about pampering your precious? Who cares if we go into debt up to our artfully knotted silk scarves? We have created a certain lifestyle for ourselves and we want the best for our kids as well. If you want your kid to be adorable, that's just the way it is. The fact that mom or dad would love to quit their job and stay home with punkin poo is really not a consideration when you've got fifteen grand worth of baby furniture to pay for, along with those must-have designer duds.

What if —just what if—we didn't work our life around the indulgences of our kids? Indulgences that they could care less about, and we impose for no good reason other than our own desire to look good to whoever is looking (which is no one, by the way). Okay, okay. I take that back. Maybe some snooty baby-fashion magazine photographer is stalking you and making sure your child is super cutsie at all times. Maybe the competitive toddler moms in your hood are looking down their noses at anything other than Marc Jacobs. Perhaps you fear Baby Gap just won't make the cut.

Does ANYONE out there hear the madness? Not that I'm telling you what to do, but if this is your life, some re-examination of your priorities might (possibly) be beneficial. While some of you out there may actually have the money, and this is just where you shop, fine. Whatever floats your boat. But no matter the reason, don't forget the lesson we are teaching our kids.

We are teaching them the value of this level of comfort. And we are putting HIGH value on it. Whatever-it-takes kind of value. Sure, they are just babies and have no sense of cost, but when you set the standard, they will eventually grow up and figure it out. Then they will look down _their_ noses at the kids who don't spend the same amount on their clothes. Lo and behold, one day we wake up and realize we've raised a snob, when we had no idea that simply wanting nice things and working hard to get those things could wreak such havoc. Kindness, compassion, true confidence (as opposed to conceit), and honesty are all characteristics rooted in humility. But how can you be humble and appreciative if no one has taught you to look beyond yourself?

It is important for kids to understand that all comforts come from someone's labor. Some talented person had to think up the design, hands had to labor in making it, someone had to box and ship it, and YOU had to work your tail off to afford it. How will kids ever, ever understand the value of that level of comfort if they are never forced to endure the hardship of its creation? My gosh, we don't even make them go without gloves when our kids lose them over and over again. We wouldn't dream of teaching our baby what it's like to have cold fingers and how it's a good idea to keep track of the things our parents buy for us out of love and care.

Being appreciative and understanding the value of comfort helps kids realize that it is something special. As they grow, they need to understand that it takes work and time to build up to having nice things. When they go off on their own, unless you continue to provide for them, they will have to adjust to downsizing their comfort level—and have a good attitude about it.

Can't Buy Me Love

You might not fall into this category, but many parents keep buying "stuff" that is only useful in an emotional sense; for the sake of their own selfish needs and desires. THEY are the ones that like to buy all the toys and gadgets, and they love seeing their child's face light up with delight. But the more caregivers buy, the more it takes to light up that face. Then they've just set up a life of constant out-doing themselves in order to trump the last outrageous buy. And all the while, these caregivers have put their kids first in the misguided attempt to make them happy. Does it work? Do kids really give a crap about the expensive clothes, furniture, and eight hundred toys they have? Or would they rather have your undivided attention and love? Hmmmm. News flash. A ratty coloring book, empty packing boxes, or a two-dollar ball go a long way.

We have somehow made the world revolve around our kids and their stuff and have no idea that we are setting ourselves up for pain (in the butt, at the very least). Our kids grow up wanting more and more, and we go right along, creating a little planet in which we orbit and work our lives around. Caring for their kids will always be the number one priority for loving parents, but caring for your kids does not equate to being a slave. You can't buy love and smiles, even though it may be fun to try. Kids need our attention and guidance, and that's free.

Listen, I'm not saying to stop buying stuff. Big gifts for Christmas or birthdays are the cool things we remember from childhood, right? The problem, and what makes the big stuff not-so-big, is all the little in-between buying we do. When every single store visit is accompanied by a trinket, toy, or sweet treat, we are teaching our kids to expect it. When they constantly expect, they don't appreciate.

Kids won't appreciate that which they get every day. Constant giving creates entitlement. You are not creating a happy child, you are creating a spoiled one. Step back and picture how this will look as they enter adulthood. Does this foster motivation and independence? Eighteen years of get-get-get does not equate to a kid who can step back and say, "Wow, thanks mom and dad! I'm ready to go tackle the world now!" No, it equates to a kid who keeps showing up on your doorstep wanting you to support them.

Here, Let Me Feed That Ego

One doesn't think of a toddler as having an ego. And it's true, they can't abstract enough to be full of themselves in the sense of "I'm-the-best-and-you-are-not." However, being smart little sweeties, they do mentally tab emotional reactions. If they get cootchy-coo's and hysterical laughter from you when they dress up and strut around like a Hollywood socialite, then they think that behavior is "good." They will then try it with whomever will watch in the hopes of getting that same type of attention again.

This isn't an ego yet, but it is a mental calculation of what works and doesn't. As they age, they refer to this little data base and act accordingly. Over time, if they have been fed faulty or overblown information, an ego builds. If they have been told an excessive amount of "you are awesome" and no balancing "here's how you do better," then that little data base is full of "I'm the greatest." This inflated ego can set your kid up for a serious fall.

A mis-fed ego says you are wonderful just because you exist. While as a parent you absolutely believe this about your sweet, innocent child, when they grow up and tell other people how terrific they are . . . not good. Being wonderful does not give you a pass on working hard and earning your keep.

We parents do everything in our power to help our kids succeed and do well in everything put before them. This is a terrific philosophy, but the manner in which we go about this needs a wee bit of work. And speaking of work, why do we always do it for our kids? We tell them how terrific they are, then do their work for them and let them take the credit, adding to their false sense of accomplishment.

My friend is a teacher at a Catholic school that did away with a traditional Science Fair because the parents were doing all the work. The teacher running it got tired of handing out ribbons to projects that were clearly done by an adult. In between a rock and a hard place, she found herself having to take points off of the ones clearly done by the kids because there were mistakes. Having enough, she said, "No more home projects!"

Many parents are apparently incapable of letting the kids do these projects with mere guidance. Or they can't get the kids to do it at all and don't want them to suffer the subsequent poor grade, so they cough up a poster and project and slap their child's name on it. Seriously, people! I've seen this time and again myself and while I was assured that the judge at my child's school "understood this and took it into account," I still saw a project get first place that looked more 12thgrade than 5th.

I even see this in church! All of the kids at my church have to make small, First Communion banners as part of their preparation for the sacrament. Well holy don't-make-the-kids-do-any-of-it, if the parents in my community don't spend at least fifty hours cutting out felt, sewing religious symbols, and gluing letters and sequins, then I'll be a flying monkey. I'd be surprised if their kids had the slightest clue that they were even supposed to make a banner, much less that mom was slaving away at it.

In a sincere effort to teach our youngest child the joy of the accomplishment, we got the supplies for her banner and brainstormed ideas. After that, we let her do it on her own, helping with only the most difficult cuts of felt. The banner turned out looking like a second grader did it, which was perfect, seeing as how she was indeed in second grade.

Well, I get to church to turn it in, and seeing the rest of those supposedly-made-by-the-kids banners, I initially felt terrible that hers was not even remotely in the same category of good. I mean, we're talking, professional-crafters, quilter-moms, belongs-at-the-state-fair worthy. Any one of them could have gone on a highway billboard advertising the church. My husband and I sucked in our breath and shot each other a look in which we had an entire, silent, two-minute conversation on why the rest of the banners looked like something that belonged in the Vatican.

Oh, peer pressure at its finest! Love it. My husband and I felt ridiculous that our daughter's banner was not nearly as well made as the rest. We felt bad for her and embarrassed for ourselves. Was it some unwritten rule that the parents were supposed to do this? Surely not! But clearly, 95% of the parents felt the need to make it spectacular and ignore the fact that the banner was supposed to be completed by the child. Just what is that?! And how does that help the child? You hand it over and say, "Here sweetie—look how great your banner is!" The kid takes ownership, thinks hers is the best, and there you go. Ego feed.

In terms of humility, this is bad. If kids grow up thinking only within their own little bubble, it hurts their chance of success in life. One of my friends overheard a man on the phone who demonstrated this very thing. Apparently on a business call, this white collar type guy was saying, "If you disrespect me, I'm going to . . . (fill in the blank)!" She was surprised by his anger and wondering how damaging this behavior was to his business and personal relations. Why was it all about him instead of the business? It reminded her that some people truly don't value humility.

I Do it Myself!

If you haven't heard, "I do it myself!" yet, you will. And listen up. Even at two years old, they mean it. Don't take that away from your budding little Einstein. They want to achieve things on their own, and they don't need you doing your little orbit-dance around them, ripping away their sense of accomplishment and self-satisfaction. Toddlers have a very clear and uninfluenced sense of desires—including the joy of discovery and the need to learn. As they age, if you train them to squash that inner drive, they will. When we give our kids the world on a platter, we teach our kids how to expect us to do everything for them.

A teacher once told me that she gave her kids a writing assignment in class, then had them take it home and finish it for homework. One of her students came back with a completed story that was clearly beyond his capabilities and nothing like what he started out with. So she called a parent conference. At this conference she put a prior piece of this child's written work in front of the parents, and then she placed the finished homework assignment right next to it . . . and stared at the parents.

Since I know this teacher and wholly believe that her stare will make even a hardened criminal cave, the parents immediately withered and started apologizing. "We're so sorry, but his paper was just awful and it drove me crazy! I couldn't let him hand in something like that, so I had to fix it!" The teacher then showed the parents an example of a typical writing sample from a fourth grader and said, "Did it look something like this?" Well, yes, the parent conceded, it actually did. "That's because this is what it _should_ look like," the teacher replied. "What you did robbed him of a learning opportunity to develop skill sets that he needs to learn about writing. And furthermore, I'm offended that you think I can't tell the difference between a fourth grader paragraph and an adult paragraph!"

Oops.

When we fail to let our kids make their own mistakes, we fail to allow them to learn. They pretty much pop out wanting to do things "all by myself!" So why on Earth must we squash that desire for knowledge? Doing their homework, science fair projects, and little First Communion banners does not teach them the joy of accomplishment. The clincher is, as they age and get used to your slavery, they could care less about their projects or the effort you put in, and it becomes expected. In fact, the more you do, the more you are expected to do! Clean up after them, cook for them, organize for them . . . it becomes an exhaustive list of ways in which they are not learning to be self-sufficient adults or good students. Organization is a big deal in school. They have to learn how to organize their materials, notes, time, projects, everything! Of course they would love for you to do all this for them, so it makes it easy to justify our interference. But they learn nothing, and they gain nothing.

They start out wanting to learn for themselves, and yet they end up not caring enough to get out of their taken-care-of comfort zone. They don't care about consequences because we always take care of that. They don't care about cleaning up after themselves, getting good grades, or being independent. Why should they? Life has worked out pretty decent so far, right?

Yikes. Did we really do that to our kids?

Kids, especially toddlers struggling for independence, will often remind us that they are fine. And over time, they demonstrate that they are capable. It's okay for our children to make supervised or guided mistakes. It's okay for them to struggle through a project. It's okay for them to miss a game because they need to learn a lesson that slacking off for a test has a consequence. We are not bad parents for helping guide our children on independence, responsibility, problem solving, and humility.

I know it stinks to let go and watch them grow up and walk away from us. The big, bad world could eat them alive. But wait! Maybe it won't. Maybe they'll be okay. Instead of coddling, maybe we can prep our precious babies to deal with the crazies out there who want to gobble them up. Instead of protecting to a debilitating degree, maybe we can steer our kids to learn with a purpose.

Cheers, good luck, and may the Force be with you!

About the Author

Michelle Smith is a Speech-Language Pathologist and mother of three. She works with all ages of children, from preschool to high school. This is her sixth parenting book behind _Life with Toddlers_ , _Toddler ABC Guide to Discipline_ , _Taboo Secrets of Pregnancy, Tiger Tamer: Discipline for Challenging Behavior in Ages 5 to 12, and Welcome to the Guilt Club: Taming Self-Doubt When Raising Kids_.

Her children's book series includes: _Fat Cat Finds a Home, Fat Cat Wants a Bath, Fat Cat Wants Outside, Fat Cat Wants to Eat, and Fat Cat Bedtime Stories._
"This book is a quick and easy read for a busy mom. It gets the point across in an entertaining and informative way. It certainly made me rethink how to handle bad behavior." – **Sandy M**.

The perfect way to send your little one off to sleep! Includes the first three volumes of the Fat Cat Series: Fat Cat Finds a Home, Fat Cat Wants a Bath, and Fat Cat Wants Outside. Join sweet old Fat Cat in her adventures with her new family.

Join this pregnant mom of two as she journeys yet again through the rough and tumble life of a pregger. Boldly proclaiming taboo truths on those touchy subjects that books gloss over and doctors 'forget' to mention, this guide lets empathy roll in as the naked bum of truth is bared.

From gassy bellies and "fartle" (mercy alive!) to sprouting hairs in unmentionable places, _Taboo Secrets of Pregnancy_ spells it out in no uncertain terms, and actually provides realistic guidance on what the blazes to do about it.

Say goodbye to fragile advice and get ready to hear it like it is. Toughen up your delicate senses, girly! You're about to take a break from the technical tomes, and dive in for an adventure in gestating!

### Reviews for the Taboo Secrets of Pregnancy:

"Great, VERY reassuring, and crazy funny!" – **Leslie**.

"Refreshing and hilarious – I laughed so hard I was crying!" – **Monica**.

### Reviews for Life with Toddlers:

"Funny – Easy to read but packed with lots of good information. Especially Chapter 4: "Promoting Positive Behavior" and Chapter 8: "Taming Tigers". In Chapter 4, I liked the part of giving choices to your toddler instead of just issuing orders and frustrating them to anger and tears. In Chapter 8: "Taming Tigers" – "But I Waaannnttt It" (How many times have you heard this in Walmart??) – I think these words of wisdom should be posted in the store's lobby. – Loved this book!" – Sandi J.

"This book is like having a hundred frank what-am-I-supposed-to-do-now girlfriend talks handy on your shelf. Throughout, the advice is easy to remember and use, I think even when your little one is screaming his head off. The book helped me understand my son's behavior, making it loads easier to avoid frazzled-mom-emergency mode. I tried some tips right after reading them and had my child following instructions without whining, hooray! I especially appreciated the section on what you can (and shouldn't) do when it's someone else's child acting badly. My mommy friends and I have debated that touchy subject sooooo much, so it's super helpful to have the author's insight. As a bonus, the author's friendly, no-nonsense style had me giggling (and snorting) all the way through the book." – Leslie.

"Most parenting books end up making moms feel guilty about not being the "perfect mom". This book addresses the fact that moms are not perfect. We have our good days and bad and so do our kids. It offers sound advice on how to handle real situations – and it is a very easy and fun read." – Pickle & Bug.

