So,
(audience cheering)
as you may or may not have heard by now,
Kim Kardashian is going to become a lawyer.
(audience laughing)
And they laugh, and they laugh.
I will convince you that this is a good idea.
You might not use her as your lawyer.
I certainly would not.
But there are people who would.
This is her on the cover of Vogue magazine.
Inside she goes on to it.
She reveals that she started her four-year apprenticeship
at this law firm in San Francisco.
It's going to take place, oh excuse me,
she's going to take something called the Baby Bar.
(audience laughing)
The Bar exam.
No, no, no, you laugh.
(audience laughing)
By the way, our friend Van Jones, that's his law firm.
(audience gasping)
Yeah.
The hot black guy.
(audience cheering)
He's married.
(audience groaning)
Anyway, so she's gonna take the Baby Bar next summer
and if she passes that,
she will take the real Bar in three years.
Well there are four states in our country
where you do not have to go to law school.
I did not know that.
California happens to be one of those places.
Can you believe that?
Who is defending our rights?
(audience laughing)
Well, I think that this is a good idea.
She's already defended the woman
who was wrongfully accused and then got out of jail
regarding the drugs.
(audience cheering)
Kim knows our president on a personal basis.
She's been to the White House.
(chuckling)
I guess this is what she'll wear to court
when she defends you.
She also defended the man who could not find housing,
nobody would give him housing.
She got him housing, she paid for many, many months
or a year of the rent or the lease
or the mortgage or whatever it was.
Look, I gotta tell you something.
There are a lot of people who are gonna wanna use her.
Follow what I'm saying.
The people right now who you think of
when you think of judges are older with gray hair.
Judges now are 35 and they're younger.
They're part of the Keeping Up With the Kardashian era.
I mean heck, we're a part of it,
for those of us who are older than maybe 40, we follow it.
You know you do, even though you might not want to admit it.
Admit it.
I mean, admit it.
You might not want to admit it but you follow.
So at the firm, she wants to defend,
her thing is gonna be human rights.
Why not?
Yes, yes.
(audience applauding)
I guess she's setting up for the next phase of her career
while she still does her selfies
and dresses down to almost nothing.
The question is will she be a distraction in the courtroom?
Uh, gee ya think?
But will she be in the courtroom?
'Cause some of my colleagues
in this morning's Hot Topics meeting were saying,
well she probably won't be in the courtroom.
What time do you think she has for the courtroom?
She's filming the show and she's busy getting naked.
(audience laughing)
And keeping an eye on Kanye.
(audience laughing)
I do think that she'll be going to the courtroom
in appearances and stuff like that.
She'll probably always have the cameras
with her in the courtroom filming for the show
and even when she doesn't film for the show,
certainly there's enough blogosphere out here
that doesn't always have to be on the show
for us to find out what she's doing.
The types of people who'll be using her?
I think that people with hit and runs, slip and falls.
(audience laughing)
You laugh at that, that is big business.
(audience applauding)
That's big business these days.
That's big business.
People need a lawyer.
I think that Kim will defend things like that.
I do think that she'll have an office,
a big, gorgeous office in the law firm
where she will see her clients
and the leek salad with plastic forks.
(audience laughing)
And hold their fork the way that,
the whole family holds their fork the same way.
Norman and I, we always joke about it.
Right!
(laughing)
And with all the dishes in the cabinet,
they're always drinking out of plastic cups
with that top on it and the straw.
(audience laughing)
So she'll be entertaining in her office
and trying to figure out what you're doing, but guess what?
At the law firm, I'll bet you there are 20 lawyers
who legitimately went to law school,
who probably graduated at the top of their class,
who will be feeding Kim information,
and I do think that she will be able to get cases.
I think that this is a good thing.
I think that the only profession left
where you cannot skate around it is a doctor.
This is why I love doctors.
(audience laughing)
All of you doctors aren't correct.
A lot of you have done things
like leave the peppermint in the body and then sewn it up.
(audience laughing)
Shout out to all my Seinfeld fans.
You know what episode we're talking about.
(audience applauding)
Jerry and Kramer watched an operation
and they were sitting up in the gallery seats
and they're watching down
and Kramer's watching with a snack,
and all of a sudden the thin mint falls out
and falls right into an open wound on Seinfeld.
And then the surgeons don't see it and they sew it up.
(audience gasping)
And so the big calamity with Jerry and Kramer
is do we tell the surgeons or not?
They didn't end up telling the surgeon,
so everything inside, I guess, of this patient is minty.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
By the way, the episode I saw last night,
I'm sorry, off topic, on Seinfeld, Jerry got shot.
The FBI was in his apartment because he stole cable.
(audience laughing)
Kramer arranged for him to get with this guy
who stole cable for Jerry.
Jerry acted like he didn't know, but Jerry really did know.
Well Jerry was out of town telling jokes.
When he came back into his apartment the FBI is there.
They show their badges, you see all the cable wires,
and Jerry's lying to them saying I know nothing.
So Jerry decides, and I'm like, come on Seinfeld,
where are you going?
I came to you for laughter.
Please don't shoot him.
I'll be damned.
Look, Jerry turns around to run for the door
to escape into the streets of New York.
Before he gets to the door,
they shot him at least 20 times,
including one bullet in the heart.
They shot him in the back, Jerry's body is flailing,
he falls to the ground.
Then he wakes up, he's on a plane.
Jerry's on a plane.
That was a dream.
(audience groaning)
(audience applauding)
Yeah, those hottest makeup trends are coming up.
In the meantime, Jennifer Lopez everybody.
(audience whooing)
The whoo's are getting lower.
(audience whooing)
It's kinda like you wanna whoo, but she's everywhere,
it becomes a little sickening sometimes, in a good way.
In a good way.
Well anyway, this is what happened.
She posted a selfie on her Instagram and Puffy,
(audience whooing)
it's a good one, right?
Yeah.
It's a good one, it's a good one.
Oh Jen, damn you.
She went on this diet, it's called the Ten Day Challenge.
That's where you don't eat sugar, you don't eat meat,
you don't eat much of anything.
If the results are this, then great.
She went on this Ten Day Challenge
and then she posted this picture on Instagram
and then Puffy commented by saying OMG
with the heart eye emoji, you see right there.
(audience groaning)
What's the oh and what's the wow?
Everybody's moved on with their lives, you guys.
So then A-Rod, her fiance, they're not married yet,
commented on it afterwards, and A-Rod said lucky me.
(audience cheering)
So, clap if you think it's out of order that Puffy posted?
(audience applauding)
I don't.
And A-Rod clap, or it's not even a clap back.
A-Rod responded back after he saw that so many people
were responding to the picture and Puffy's comment.
A-Rod did not respond back right away.
He waited a moment for the comments to build up.
I don't think that there was a need for an apology,
'cause Puffy apologized back saying,
oh man, whatever, Puffy apologized.
So Puffy did two and then A-Rod did one.
I don't think it was necessary for an apology.
I also don't think it was necessary for Puffy to post.
I don't think it was necessary for A-Rod to post.
I think that when she puts a picture up,
both guys should stay out of it.
And Puffy, what do you care, you hit it first.
(audience laughing)
And if it wasn't for your rapper artist at that time
and that pesky 11 traffic light run
through the streets of New York,
you might be married to her at this point, Puffy,
so what do you care?
A-Rod, what do you care, you got her,
and Jennifer, you continue to work these men.
(audience cheering)
She works 'em.
On Trendy at Wendy, we love giving away masks and stuff.
We love all that beauty stuff here,
and we gave away this mask, or showed you this mask
that you put over your face and then it dissolves
in a half hour, which is perfect.
I did it last night
when Denise Richards entered Housewives of Beverly Hills.
(audience laughing)
Look, I love Saint Denise.
She's a friend to the show, I call her Saint Denise
because she got with Charlie Sheen during the bad boy days.
Well, I think he's still having them, I'm not sure.
During the bad times of his life,
and she obviously had bad times in her life at that time
because like attracts like.
You know Denise, don't act like, um,
but you cleaned up real well.
So she went on, she takes care of Charlie's kids
that she had with him, she has her own kids,
she loves her family and the whole bit,
and now she's on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,
which I think is terrible casting.
Well, because you have to get into it.
You have to have a storyline.
Vanderpump, you might not like her or maybe you love her,
but she keeps the pot stirring.
Lisa Rinna has proven to be my favorite Housewife.
(audience applauding)
I like Teddy, I like all those girls.
They keep that pot stirring,
and Denise just isn't really part of the fray.
So she's trying to build a storyline
so here's what she does,
and by the way, this is just about the time
that my mask was doing it's thing,
(audience laughing)
and I ran the shower to make sure it's nice and hot
and I pulled out my white strips
and my toothbrush and stuff,
'cause when she comes in, I just have no reason
to stay in the room.
(audience laughing)
So, she found a way to keep tabs
on her 15 year old daughter.
This is her storyline.
(audience laughing)
Her daughter is 15, this is the daughter she has
with Charlie Sheen.
While you're watching this scene,
and you'll eventually see the daughter too,
take a look to see if she looks like Charlie.
I think she looks like Charlie.
Take a look.
Anyway, take a look.
So you're putting the cameras up?
Yeah, so this covers this whole area here.
Anybody opens that door, we'll see it.
So we'll be able to see people sneak out or sneak in.
Sami's getting into high school
and new school, new boys,
that's when kids usually start sneaking out.
You can't date until you're 16 years old.
You guys are so freaking strict, oh my god.
I started sneaking out when I was 15 years old,
so I know my kid's gonna sneak out,
so I'm putting cameras up so I can catch her.
(audience groaning)
Ridiculous.
(audience laughing)
Denise, you don't need the money,
we already know who you are, why are you on the show?
Listen, let's just talk about the cameras.
The cameras are ridiculous.
Why do people put cameras inside of their house?
I have no idea.
What are you trying to watch?
Okay, you put the camera in the baby room
for the baby monitor, but then a bad nanny
can choke your child in the garage.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
You spend all that money, you get the cameras installed
behind a teddy bear to put in your living room
to make sure that your kids aren't coming home from school
and having pill parties.
In the meantime, they take the pills in your room.
(audience laughing)
You know what I mean?
It's hard to keep up
with what our kids are doing these days.
The best thing you can do
is just hope that we're teaching them the best
and just remember, whatever's done in the dark
eventually comes to the light.
(audience applauding)
Right?
When I was a kid back in the olden days,
my parents never gave me a curfew.
They never gave me a curfew.
You leave the house when you leave the house,
whether it's 7 o'clock in the evening or 9 o'clock at night,
and I guess the curfew in a lot of parents' head,
and probably still today, is midnight.
For your tenth grader or even your ninth grader,
when they start high school, it's pretty much midnight.
Or streetlights.
But if they come, or streetlights, exactly.
Well some parents have that.
We didn't have street lights,
we had underground wiring in the neighborhood.
The streetlights would come on quite late.
When the summer was in full bloom,
it doesn't get dark until 9 o'clock at night.
You coulda been pregnant by then, you know what I'm saying?
(audience laughing)
But this is what me and my crew used to do.
Leslie Goldman, she was the one with the classic Mustang
with the top down.
Me, Leslie, Liz Suede, and Diane Van Oaten, we had the crew.
And then there was the beautiful Jersey shore
where I grew up, I grew up in Ocean Township.
I would walk out of the house respectfully,
dressed in my regular khaki's and an Izod shirt.
I would have my slutty clothes in the mailbox.
(audience cheering)
Right?
You know that flimsy material, it's next to nothing.
You roll it up like this, you put it in the mailbox
along with the red lipstick,
because when you're a young girl,
you think the mark of a woman is wearing red lipstick.
And we'd drive up to the Joe Green's gas station,
up on Asbury Avenue, and change in the bathroom,
and when the party was over
and my tank was good and full partying,
I'd come in the house somewhere around midnight,
maybe one o'clock in the morning
and my parents would just listen for me to come in
and would be nobody waiting at the door, any questions.
I'd fall asleep real fast on account of my tank is full,
(audience laughing)
and wake up the next morning perfectly civilized.
Good morning, Mommy, good morning, Daddy.
(audience applauding)
Stuff hasn't changed much.
The kids are still sneaking around
and all those cameras are ridiculous, Denise,
and that's a storyline that's not worth watching.
Just sayin'
(audience applauding)
Lindsay Lohan is very upset with the actress,
(audience groaning)
come on, give Lindsay a chance.
She's very upset and slamming the actress Lea Michelle.
You know Lea Michelle, she was from Glee.
Lea can sing her behind off, she's got a really great body,
and I think she's an odd beauty, you know?
Some people think she's beautiful,
some people think she's not.
I think she's gorgeous and very talented.
(audience applauding)
Very talented.
Anyway, so Disney has just announced
that Lea will play Ariel in the stage version
of The Little Mermaid.
(audience applauding)
Yes.
You see where I'm going with this about Lindsay.
So Lindsay got the news,
and then she was like, she posted on her social media, huh?
(audience laughing)
Huh?
Lindsay has always said
that she dreamed of playing Ariel one day.
She's said this before.
You can go back in interviews where she's said this before,
even as a little Lindsay, even as a grown woman Lindsay,
she has said this.
This is a stage production,
it's going to be at the Hollywood Bowl,
which holds tons of people.
The thing with a stage production, it's live.
It's like doing live T.V.
If you don't show up, then everybody's screwed.
So you know Lindsay, I think it's too soon
for people to really count on you
for a live situation.
I do.
(audience cheering)
You know?
Lindsay, when you were a bad girl,
you were a really bad girl.
You were eluding cops and doing drugs.
My own son and I sat behind you at American Idol,
this is back when Ellen was on it, I told you this story,
and when you got up, a bunch of a white powdery substance,
I saw it myself.
My son is like, what's that?
I had to say it's baby powder, it's baby powder.
(audience laughing)
Excuse me, excuse me, it might have been baby powder,
but this is during Lindsay's bad times
and she kept getting up and going to the bathroom.
(audience groaning)
And let me tell you something,
it wasn't just a little bit of powder.
Her ankles were plunging out, like the vamp of her shoe
and all around her ankles and everything.
Yes, both shoes, a powdery,
so much so that when she stood up and walked,
there were footprints.
(audience laughing)
Listen, look.
We all love baby powder
and we've all had a past.
We've all had a past
and we all deserve to make a new lives
of good for ourselves.
(audience applauding)
But, I don't think that she's ready for the Hollywood Bowl.
It's a big, giant production
and people pay insurance and people are counting on you.
You're not ready to be a star at the Hollywood Bowl.
However, however, they are making a movie version of this,
separate from this Hollywood Bowl version, and Lindsay?
I think that you should audition.
(audience cheering)
I think that you should audition.
You're a walking Ariel
even when you're not dressed up as Ariel.
And yes, Ariel the character does have to sing,
I know what you're saying, well Lindsay can't sing.
Well, yes she can.
Who remembers
♪ Daughter to father ♪
♪ Daughter to father ♪
(audience laughing)
That was her hit on the radio.
Clap if you remember Daughter to Father,
(audience cheering)
Lindsay's song.
Look, when you do a movie,
you can be a couple of minutes late,
they still wait for you.
It doesn't matter if you're a little bit late,
everybody's a little bit late sometimes,
but Lindsay you have to be late and be responsible,
with clarity to get there.
You've got to submit to their drug test,
if that's what they wanna do.
In fact, if they're challenging you,
you've got to submit to whatever they're doing
and you've gotta prove them wrong.
And by the way, they can always dub over the voice
when they sing, you know?
Good luck Lindsay, and congratulations to Lea Michelle.
(audience applauding)
Chris Witherspoon and his teeth are here.
(audience laughing)
We're friends.
Hi Chris.
He's up in his green room now, he's ready to come down,
he's got the most gorgeous smile.
(audience applauding)
But when he's talking, listen to what he's saying.
He's got this summer's hottest movie previews
and he knows a lot.
Anyway, when you think of Patti LaBelle,
you don't think of Chinese food, do you?
No.
Well everybody loves Chinese food.
Everybody loves Chinese food.
Patti has a new food line coming out
and it's focusing on Chinese food.
Hold on.
You know her for her pies.
Everybody loves the sweet potato pie but me.
I don't, yeah.
Sweet potato pie, pumpkin pie.
Anyway, it's going to be frozen food by Patti LaBelle.
It's Chinese food.
I would give it a whirl.
If you're in your grocers freezer,
why not give it a whirl, see what it tastes like.
It probably tastes pretty good.
Patti LaBelle is a very good cook.
She cooks in her own time,
she takes her own pots and pans on the road
when she's on tour.
She doesn't accept the freebies that they're giving to her
in the green room and stuff.
She brings her own stuff.
She can cook.
Hey Patti, good luck.
Send me some of that Chinese food.
I'll taste it.
(audience applauding)
Hey, we've got more great show for you everybody.
Up next, Chris is here with the hottest spring movies.
So grab a snack and come on back.
(upbeat music)
