 
FOOLS! By Joseph Mackey

Published byJoseph Mackey at Smashwords

Copyright 2008 Joseph Mackey

**Table of Contents** Prologue Chapter 1 The Suitcase Man Chapter 2 The Man at FAU who slipped in his own vomit and busted his balls Chapter 3 The guy who got kicked in the nuts by a mule Chapter 4 The people who drop valuables in the toilet Chapter 5 My Own Friends Chapter 6 The guy who covered himself in honey and got stung 200 times Chapter 7 Some old woman who dropped her dentures in the toilet and kissed people Chapter 8 I swear its true some guy sat in pasta Chapter 9 A math professor accidentally drops his pants while lecturing Chapter 10 Students at FAU who skipped on 30% of their grade Chapter 11 What are you looking at, oh nothing Chapter 12 two guys making out at KFC Chapter 13 Fools Chapter 14 More Fools Chapter 15 Perverts Chapter 16 Random Stupidness Chapter 17 stupidity and crime Chapter 18 Damn it all Chapter 19 My Girlfriend Leah Chapter 20 Epilogue **Prologue** Good day people who read this book. I'm Joseph Mackey, a sociologist, an observer of human activity. I also tend to observe, like most people do, acts of stupidity. This is the basis for the book I am writing. Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. These people never actually did any of the events in my book. This is purely for entertainment. The book is also about the adventures me and my friend Dave had while exploring the limits of idiocy. It originally started out as a joke between me and my college friend, Dave Chandra. In this book will be 123 pages of the stupidest things you could imagine people doing, and many things you wish you had done in college. Some people are awarded the buffoon award for being true "geniuses" quote unquote. With that being said, let the buffoonery begin. Have fun as I take aim at frat boys, businessmen, professors, perverts, college students, construction workers, strippers, hookers, drunks, stoners, old people, and even President Bush. The last chapter should be considered a public service announcement as I say damn it all regarding the fools, because we need to fix our society, or it will fall from foolery. And that is not fictional, unlike some of the book. Chapter One In the first chapter we have a man who repeatedly dropped his suitcase in the Tri Rail toilet. A friend and I, who took the bus to school, could not stop laughing. My friend's name is David Chandra. He and I were going to write the book together, but he didn't like it so I am doing it now. Anyways he and I were cracking up and we said oh man, what a moron. Suitcase guy did this around 9 times before realizing he should leave his briefcase outside the toilet. This originally happened in my junior year of college, starting in late 2003, September or October. This man is worthy of our most esteemed award (yeah right), the Buffoon Award (insert fanfare here). This consists of Dave and I sitting around telling jokes about him, laughing at him, and pretending to rubber stamp the word idiot on his head. He received the Buffoon Award several times during my tenure at FAU. This is where I first heard of this man of legendary idiocy. I am sure he does other things too, but I will have to wait and hear about that. The worst thing is when he dropped his suitcase, other people would fish it out for him. I don't know about you, but I would just leave it there. I certainly would not put my hands in to help this goof. The people who helped him deserve the idiot trophy. And we give it to him. It's not literally a trophy, but you get the point. The guy is ,unfortunately, the product of the education system of the United States. This education system has been failing people since it started. Education has always had its flaws, but as time goes on things aren't supposed to decline. However, it has badly. However amusing these people's actions are, it is a sign of a more serious problem, people are stupid. He is also the product of people going against common sense, which people chip away at more and more. Seriously, common sense is dying because individuals think that people are stupid. Some think, I don't want to do what people normally do, even if it is right. This becomes habitual, and eventually common sense dies out. The suitcase guy graduates to other forms of foolishness. He accidently dropped his pants in the toilet one day. I know what you're thinking, there isn't a man alive who could be so stupid, but you're wrong , and I have eyewitness evidence to back it up. Suitcase guy went to work smelly, and covered in his own slop, which is the nice way of putting it haha. Here, Dave and I play the trumpet fanfare. It is time for the moron Marathon where the only competitor is suitcase guy. In this event, he runs the entire marathon. And he keeps running. First he loses his suitcase, then his pants. How does he hold down a job? He cannot do so. Eventually he does not but more on that will be said later. Ha ha more on, I made a joke. Anyways he wins the race and is given the idiot trophy. I know your thinking that there is no way it gets worse. However, you would be wrong. One day I go to the train station and I see the guy slip in the stuff he dropped his pants in Dave is there so of course were howling at the sight of this. Luckily I had gloves on, so I help the man to his feet after much laughing. I asked him what was going on. He mentioned he had a bit of an accident on the way to work. I try not to laugh at this, and I ask if he had been drinking the night before. It turns out he has, he said he always does. He drank a fifth of whiskey before work every day and another fifth to avoid his wife's nagging. I said well that explains everything. Drinking, by the way, only makes your problems worse. It also makes you do things that get you in the fool's hall of fame. I tell him I know he's the infamous suitcase guy. By the way, I mention, he is a fool who always keeps me amused He is like who, I say the suitcase guy, the train guy who always drops his suitcase in the toilet. Dave just laughs and calls him an idiot. I say Dave cut it out.... save it for later. The suitcase guy says no he is right. I am an idiot. He can say it and so should you. So I do. I call him an idiot for his drinking too. Dave was helpless on the floor laughing when he hears all this. So then the guy gets off the bus and trips. He lands in a puddle and says oh %$#@!. That was hilarious. He then goes off to work which ironically is at FAU. He was later fired for being an idiot. That was the reason for letting him go. The boss told him get a clue, or buy one. He then just leaves never to be seen again, until the next burst of his intellect comes around. Around 3 o' clock the same day his intellect shows again. He tried to come to work on a skateboard. He got a new job doing pizza delivery. So he is skating down the road in broad daylight. There are tons of people to watch his stupidity. He tries to go as fast as he can. He hits a bump and goes flying, landing face first. He was bouncing, and he finally landed on the pizza box he was carrying. Of course Dave and I said hey that is the suitcase guy. I laughed and walked away with the pizza, after helping the old fool off the ground. It turns out his named is Jason Tepes. (For those of you unfamiliar with Romanian that means the impaler.) It is an odd name since he is too stupid to be murderous. He claims his friends gave it to him for no reason. He said he got the job because he's in love with a male stripper and wanted to keep him happy with gifts. I said strippers make enough money to buy you gifts! So this idiot went on doing the delivery, even though I split the pizza with Dave. I tried to tell him he did not have a pizza to deliver anymore. He actually went to the customer's house without the pizza. I thought. What a moron. This guy makes 7.50 an hour used to be an executive, and is trying to buy gifts for his gay lover. The stripper makes 250- 350 bucks an hour. Hmmm, maybe I should be a stripper or work in a bar where strippers work. Guys like to buy them drinks, so I would make a lot of money. Eventually, he tells his wife, but that's another story. I may write the epilogue of that story in the second book. By the time all these events happen it is eleven a.m. and I missed all my classes. Dave drives us to the mall, and we try to get dates . I come up empty-handed for a while, but then out of nowhere a pretty girl with purple hair shows up. She was skipping her classes at FAU. Her name is Jamie. She leaves with me. Dave does not leave empty-handed either. However, Dave likes fat chicks, and he gets one that weighs 400lbs. He then tries to have sex with her. I am ecstatic for him. Just kidding, but I am sure you believed it or wanted to believe it. And I have nothing against fat women, I have something against my friend. If he really does like them, I say getting laid is getting laid. After that, we see some fool trying to pick up girls. He was using lame lines, such as I lost my phone number can I have yours? Of course, this does not work and he loses every chance he gets. It is Valentine's day and a bad one for him. It was a good one for Dave and I. Poor pizza guy did not get to spend time with the stripper of his dreams, as the guy turned out to be 100% heterosexual. Mr. Lame lines finally got a date, but it seemed this chick was desperate. He said the phone number line and she quickly agreed to go out with him. It turned out that she was from an escort service. He found out and said he did not care, until he realized he owed her around 3000 dollars. He said do you take credit cards? The escort did. He tried to put the card in her boobs, but she just left with it. Apparently he did not care because he said the sex was good. I asked how much was on that card and he says it is thirty grand. Of course, I laughed at this and decided this was the best I have seen all night. That was until I realized that the hooker was born a man. That is right, she used to be a he. I told him and man was he pissed, he also pissed his pants. I didn't blame him. He sued her escort company for false advertising, and won a huge settlement in a court of law. This could start a new trend. Stay tuned for Fools 2, the follow up to Fools! Dave got laid and he was happy, I got laid and I was happy, However, pizza guy was hurting. Pizza guy was hit in the face with his last delivery too. So I then decide to leave Boca having had the best Valentine's day ever. I laughed with Dave about how much of an idiot pizza guy was. The next few days I look for stuff to write about, but nothing comes up for three weeks, they were the most boring three weeks of my life it seemed. Then it happens, a guy tries to rob a Brinks truck. And he puts a sack full of coins in each pocket. What a moron. I guess he thought cash would look too suspicious. He also tried to carry some change over his head. The poor dope got sacked by Dave, who decided to pull the guys pants down when the cops came, so he would have to decide whether or not to get his pants or run around half naked. Escape jail time and look like a fool, or go to jail with some dignity. What would you choose? Well it turns out he did not have a choice, the sack of coins he was holding over his head dumped on him, and the cops refused to give him his pants till he got in the squad car. It was great, me and Dave did air guitar when the cops cuffed him and Dave was a star for that day. Of course the dope went for his pants just like Dave thought he would. I would have ran if it was me, but this guy is a "genius" As it was Dave and I got pictures of that too, the quote unquote genius with his pants down while being arrested(he had on boxers don't worry) these pictures will be in the next book, more buffoons. He wanted to run but thought he would look stupid without his pants. So then Dave and I celebrate because not only did he see a gross act of buffoonery, he became a hero! I give him a hero's celebration for helping catch the "genius". He got a bunch of wine, champagne, and tons of food. He shared some of the food, although again he ate 3 whole pizzas. I couldn't believe it because Dave is not a huge guy who you would expect to eat that much; in fact he's pretty average size for his height. I tried to eat 2 but couldn't surprising since I was a weightlifting king at my school at the time. The next day we find out the robber is suitcase guy, which is hilarious, but somehow he got away from the cops, thankfully he had a facemask on when he was arrested, but those dopey officers didn't take it off when he was arrested. In fact, they practically gave him the key to the cuffs and his cell. So we go out looking for stupid/ insane people, but come up with nothing so we wind up going to class. Dave gets mobbed especially by girls because he ended up on the front page of the news. So he calls for me to help him but I say you're on your own buddy and dart off to class before they come for me too. He shouts I'll get you for this Joe! Then in his desperation he tells the mob that I'm the one that pantsed the robber (pulled his pants down) it was great because the coins flew out of his pockets when Dave did it. They knew Dave was lying though because they picture shows me just laughing and Dave with his hands on the guy's pants. So the mob takes him away I'm pointing and laughing at him, and he eventually busts loose from the group. It appeared they were trying to make him king or something. They catch him again and put him on the front page of the FAU news, the Boca News doing an interview on how it feels to be a hero. He responds by saying he's a hooligan not a hero. I agree with that on camera, I went on to make some comments as I am his friend and was at the scene of the crime. We grabbed someone and re-enacted the scene of the crime on camera. He says it was the first thing he could think of doing. I say it's pretty damn funny what he did. He says he's done this several times, but usually not to criminals. I believe it and it shows as he does this to lots of people, but thankfully never to me. Me and Dave have a laugh over this. He's like what do you expect Joe these people, they're idiots! I agree they are idiots. I certify again that Dave is in fact a hooligan. In fact, I even verify this officially in writing. So after all the idiocy of this chapter, me and Dave do the play by play, instant replay etc haha. We point out on camera all the stupid things that happened then slow it down so people can comprehend how these things happen. Again this is what happens when common sense is chipped away at slowly. This is scary people .who knows what will happen next, you should be afraid, very afraid. The decline of intelligence is amusing but also saddening. Oh and the pizza guy got fired because he showed up without the pizza too many times. He must have had more accidents, or just gotten hungry and ate them. I heard from Dave that he tried to get into the army so he could make something of himself. Unfortunately, they threw him out on his ass because he was too damn stupid, but he got called back saying they needed stupid people a week later, for the war. He got called home as a hero after a two year service enlistment. Imagine this goof getting a congressional medal of honor. Well he did he was very lucky and saved his commanding officers life. It was in the news and everything. No I am joking, but he did very well and he even got a promotion if he ever came back. He decided to stay a family man. The army got him his old job back with a promotion. He called me and Dave to his office when he saw us again. He wanted to give us jobs being his gophers. I was like no way, Dave said no too. We weren't going to work for a fool no matter how much he paid us to. He was going to pay us to be his fools. So we walked out and it turned out that thanks to his big mouth (he spilled government secrets) he was fired again. This would have meant that me and Dave would get his job. So we kicked our own asses for not taking the gopher positions. In any case, we started to making fun of him again. He actually wound up going to jail for his idiot actions. He got two years in a military prison. I was shocked that anyone could be that dumb, but me and Dave put on judge wigs and slammed a gavel sentencing him to five years as a moron, doing hard time. He got out of jail a disgrace to just about everyone. Kids made fun of him, he couldn't get a date with anyone for a year at least, after his wife divorced him and the government seized his house and car. He eventually wound up being homeless and bums would fight with him over who got the best part of the alley to sleep in. He eventually got a pardon and went back to the army. He became a career soldier too. He is probably in Afghanistan or Iraq fighting with rebels at the moment. I found out later that he went AWOL just tonight Dave told me the guy went AWOL. Oh well the poor guy wound up being sent to Canada by mistake anyways so he will be ok. I laughed and said that guys got some luck. He woke up that day and said guess what? I'm going to jail. But he wound up going to Canada by accident, the army policeman who made that mistake, letting him go on the wrong plane was kicked out of the army I am sure. He eventually got his old job back and dropped his suitcase again and again on the tri rail. It gets less funny each time but hey, it still amuses me and Dave. We don't laugh our butts off over it anymore, but there's plenty of other stuff later that will make you do it .Well anyways, he got followed up on by Dave, and I am happy to say he stopped dropping suitcases by going to A.A. not alcoholics anonymous, but idiots anonymous. He stood up and claimed A.A. saved his life. He decided to go in there and be like my name is John and I have an idiocy problem. The group was like you're a moron. Just kidding they were very supportive. He said to them I have a suitcase dropping problem, it caused me to go on all sorts of wild adventures. They tried their best but couldn't cure him of his problems. Eventually he went through a midlife crisis and tried to become a rock superstar. He tried to enlist Dave and me to be part of his band. I said ok as long as we can call the band fools in honor of.... you. Well he didn't like that, but it was true. So he agreed and we actually played a decent show, his wife went up to him and started kicking his ass though because he was acting stupid. He was hitting up women while Dave played the drums and I played the guitar solo. He was singing and playing bass badly, but who cared the band was called fools and that's what we acted like. We had a good time though. Me and Dave partied until 4 am at Wackadoos. However the suitcase guy wound up passed out drunk in his own vomit and also in a trash can. We took pictures of this too, and they will be in the movie and the next book. I was like of course, no one could help this fool, which I went to the meetings to see what they did there, and to help Dave admit he was a fool. Just kidding again, Dave isn't a fool,........ yet. But he may become one if he keeps hanging with them or trying to teach them. I actually tell him to stay away from them, or he will become one of them. It's too late for them though. They're stuck as fools for life. Despite this fact, Dave and I tried our best to make educated fools out of the college population, but failed miserably, until we graduated, then we just stopped trying. When we graduated we took one look back, and faking anger we shouted fucking fools! The day after the suitcase guy decided to try a concert again and we did it, quite well in fact, he played the bass this time. I rocked out on the guitar and Dave did drums. The crowd loved us but his wife came back and started beating on his ass again, mostly because he was a bad influence on us she said.We were too busy trying to score with the chicks to care. We went around saying congrats, we graduated. We were drinking and whooping it up on stage while the guys getting his butt kicked, he calls for help but I say against a football player or two, sure, an angry woman, you're on your own buddy. Chapter Two A man slips in his own vomit and busts his balls. This is one I saw on my own unfortunately. It happened a few days after Valentine's day 2004. Dave had apparently said something stupid, and now I'm like Dave now you got God out to get us he laughs and agrees and says he shouldn't have said what he did. Well apparently God was out to get someone but it wasn't us. He was out to get the pizza guy before it. He was also out to get some poor guy hooking up with a hooker. The next story shows me that the almighty has a sense of humor. It is priceless. This story is the reason I don't drink or do drugs. I go to the bathroom one day at school and am almost run over by a huge guy who apparently drank too much because he fell over trying to get into the bathroom. I help him up and he goes in and pukes his guts. He's hung over still and misses and gets stuff everywhere. I am in shock at this and even more so when he stumbles and falls so badly that he bashed his nuts into the toilet. I didn't see it but he shouts ahhhh I broke my balls so loud that my calling the emts wasn't needed, some happened to be passing by a mile back. So the paramedics come in and they see what happened and they're like shit Joe this is the fifth time this week someone's done this, and also have a look on their faces that suggests this is funny. So I'm like he's drunk just to let you know. They say we know he's done this before, so have we. They pick him up puts his pants back on him and Dave happens by. So I tell him the details of the incident and then were like IDIOT in our loudest voices. We then go off to celebrate my witnessing of human idiocy at its height with pizza at the buffet Dave eats much more than I do in his celebration he ate 3 whole pizzas I had 8 plates of food and felt fine except for the runny nose I get when I eat a lot. Dave threw up and I jokingly call him a buffoon. So then afterwards they're still trying to help the guy and the ambulance is outside and we see just how bad the guys messed up. The doctor arrives and busts out laughing when he hears my story of what happened. I tell him I am deadly serious and he almost joins me and Dave in celebrating the stupidity too. He's really tempted to do so, and it appears the doctor is intoxicated. In fact he is, but the guy didn't know that (note this part is fiction). The doctor also has a secret, he claims he is in love with a stripper, but this one is female, it's his wife (or so he claims) But he gives the guy a shot of morphine (remember he literally busted his balls) and then tries to patch him up at FAU' s medical center. They were unsuccessful, unfortunately, and me and Dave mourn sorrowfully the man's sex life going down the drain. He warns the man this is why you shouldn't drink so much. Apparently his blood alcohol level was .25. He was seriously impaired. He was so wasted I am surprised he didn't go in the women's bathroom by mistake. As it was me and Dave were laughing again, and this time while he was laying down he got rubber stamped with the word moron on it. The doctor actually put us up to it, saying he would stop doing things like this, so we thought hey that's a good idea so we did it. The next day, he woke up with the words idiot and moron stuck on his head in bright black and red letters so everyone could see it. He of course is embarrassed to hell and runs to the bathroom. So while he's still drunk he goes to his frat room. We warned him about drinking again but he didn't listen. I told him God was out to get him (jokingly) One of his buddies decides to have a little fun with him. He brings him to the dorm room, dresses him in girl clothes and gets the other guys to make him do the walk of shame. Now, to make this better one of his friends woke up naked next to him. He flipped out and firmly resolved never to do drugs or alcohol for the rest of his life. Me and Dave are on hand to witness the walk of shame and we both took a pic of this moron. He didn't actually have sex with another man, but he didn't know that. He ended up in our most highly esteemed fools hall of fame. The guy he supposedly slept with really was gay, but didn't try anything, it must have been hard for him, since the other guy was the pretty boy type. It turns out later that both of them started stripping at Tattle Tales bar and grill in Margate. And yes they did eventually become lovers they had a marriage ceremony in May of last year, me and Dave attended and were given thanks for helping get those two together. They broke up though because Tits Mc Gee fell in love with a stripper and it was a woman stripper not his male one. That's what I thought would happen. So after the fraternity incident we meet the doctor again who was high while on duty. He was like now the joint is in someone else's hands, what are you gonna do now? I thought about that and said what if the joint was in his lawyer's hands while he was on trial. He could go to jail for life or be executed. If it was in my professor's hands I could flunk out of college, and if it was in the bus driver's hands I'd never make it to college alive. Well we break into his office and smoke a joint with him, then I tell him the gummy bears are out to get you. Of course, he flips out and lands in a garbage can where he spends the night because he is so messed up. Of course he also likes the sauce. Well of course we party hard at the doctor's residence hall where he is put on academic probation the next day for getting an F on his final exam because he was so drunk he barely got his name right. It was his final, final exam. Of course seeing as he was so close to graduation and then he made one careless error, they let him try again. He barely got by, bringing his gpa up to a 3.5 and graduating. He then decides to throw another party where he passes out blunts to everyone who attends. Of course me and Dave come, but we bring the moonshine, and make fun of the doctor who is passed out drunk at his party. We crash at his place, while he goes around pretending he's a TV doctor. The picture will be in my next book. We again sang somebody told me and pointed at him while doing so. The moral of the story? Don't drink around your buddies, they will get you for it, and so will Dave and I. We live for this, by the way, we are making a video of this too. The next day he's at it again so we decide to have more fun with him when he gets wasted. We give him a fake id with a porn star name, Busty Bridgette, and he eventually gets wasted after we put the id card in his pocket. He got dressed in drag soon after being drunk, which made this even better. The shenanigans started around 9am when I got to school. So me and Dave parade him around in the drag with his fake id. He was a military student as well so this is just great I think. I then show the pictures to his captain, and the guy just laughs. Then later it turns out he made him do pushups in the drag, and serve in the chow line while in drag. He took a few pictures himself as blackmail ammunition. I thought that was cruel, I mean blackmail isn't cool, having fun is though. I was just out to mess with the guy, not completely humiliate him. Apparently the army has a lot of sadists in it. So then I take the picture I had taken and make copies to send all over FAU and Boca Raton. Of course Dave drives us all over the city and I drop the pictures like leaves all over Boca, while Dave roars laughing. Apparently it spread fast that the guy likes this stuff and everyone points and laughs when they see him again. Of course, we had to sing somebody told me and point at him when he came back to Boca. I thought man, me and Dave are evil people to do this to him, but not feeling sad for our actions, I kept them up. Idiocy gets no mercy when we are around. Of course, it was more my idea than Dave's so I naturally planned everything out. It was pretty funny though when the guy saw his pictures in trees and sewers and in the auditorium. Finally, he saw it on the school scoreboard blown up so all the students who missed it could see it. Of course, he is embarrassed to hell about this and vows revenge on whoever did that. Well he gets the wrong guy and starts a prank war, which he loses badly since he picked a real practical joker to get revenge on. It turns out that he eventually left FAU and went back to the army. He was never seen again there, but Dave and I were, so we decide to make examples of these fools, and they didn't want to be next. So for the next few days I look around for idiots to exploit but find nothing. Dave however claims he found plenty. It later turns out he indeed has, but they're all the same guy we made fun of last time, so I say come on man let's leave him be he's had enough. Dave disagrees and claims its our duty as scientists to expose the truth, no matter what. So we see the guy and we laugh at him. I was still feeling bad for him but Dave insists we make fun for all the stupid things he did, like crash his car into a parked car, trip over his own feet, and accidentally walk into a door two times in the same day. I called out to him saying hey door boy. He doesn't answer at first, but eventually he admits to all his stupidity .Of course these are minor things compared to what he used to do, but still funny. He was hung over, and going to class drunk as a skunk. I did this often. I wonder how I managed to get through college, and without being embarrassed like this dope. So again me and Dave videotaped what happens in this chapter. It'll all be on vhs and dvd called Fools the documentary, real people doing real stupid things. They are not paid actors but quote unquote geniuses. Haha geniuses like the men of Rochester, New York. In fact, if this book sells well, I might go to film on location in good ol' Rochester to see the plumbers which are mentioned later. No seriously, I intend to do more research for the next book, which will be even better than the first. So we go back to the frat party the next day and the guy there is passed out drunk with stuff written all over him by pranksters. Dave grabs a bullhorn and says this is what happens when you drink and park. He sees the guy passed out drunk and I help him drag the guy into the gutter, shave his head bald, and permanently marker a tic tac toe game on his newly bald head. The other bums said come on man we wanted to play tic tac toe on his head. I said hey we saw him first, then I said nah just kidding man here write on him. We left him there too and announced he was now in a gutter being written on by bums. I got to use the bullhorn for the rest of the night and I scared an old man into thinking he was being arrested. He was almost to the point of having a heart attack when I said freeze. He flipped out and said *^%$#@ college students after realizing it was a prank. We went around pranking all kinds of people doing all sorts of things. I went into the parking lot and pranked a couple having sex in their car. I shouted this is the police, come out of the vehicle with your pants on. Of course they realized I wasn't serious after some time. The guy got pretty mad and I took off like a bat out of hell. Who wouldn't? I, no matter what Dave will tell you, am not a fool. I didn't stop pranking people though. At the end of the night Dave says come on Joe they're IDIOTS! For no reason. I agreed but asked why he still wanted to use the bullhorn to say it. We eventually pranked a real cop into letting us use his vehicle, even though I didn't have a driver's license. I let Dave take the wheel and we almost wound up 3000 miles away from home because he took a wrong turn. I noticed we were in Minnesota a few days later. So I say Dave you fool we wound up going to Minnesota. Nah just kidding, I would have never gotten back from there. One of our favorite fools, who requested we not use his real name, did. I decided to call him Seymour Butts to save him from embarrassment. He turned out to be a college student who was majoring in the travel industry. Oops for him. He wound up there and flipped out realizing he had in fact driven 3000 miles, the wrong way. He I guess is a typical guy. So he finally realizes he goofed when he sees the Hollywood sign. At first he thinks he is in a bad movie, but later he realizes he is in California. Oh the madness. He flips out for about an hour before trying to ask for directions to Boca Raton. A failed actor happened to be happening along and said about 3000 miles in the opposite direction. So he says fine thanks, then spits out his coffee into his pants in a classical double take. So he speeds off to Florida. He gets back to Florida and he has not been to work in two weeks, needless to say he is fired. He also flunked his final exams because of his foolishness. He failed out of college. I realize this is excessive punishment for the crime of stupidity. I decide to take the case (to help him get his life back in order) I seem to make a habit of helping the stupid. Unfortunately, I was not able to help him but I spoke to his boss and teachers. I figured if someone felt sorry enough for him to try to convince them he needed a second chance, then they'd give him one. Man was I wrong. His bosses ignored me, and his professors called me a fool. In fact, they shouted fool at me for interceding for this guy. I was insulted and didn't try to get involved in fixing the real fool's problems anymore. He of course, couldn't get out of them and drowned in them. He now works at McDonald's and lives in a trailer park with his 2 kids and his girlfriend who by all accounts is trailer trash. Actually, he got fired from McDonalds for being an idiot and spilling fry cooking oil on the boss. I have heard of worse, so I was not that surprised. So then me and Dave bust into his apartment with more evidence of his foolery. Dave had apparently seen the guy get lost on the highway again and hit some other fool who happened to slam on the brakes. It wouldn't have been a problem if the guy had brakes to hit when he saw this. The fool, who's real name was Henry James, couldn't stop because he didn't have the money to fix his car, because he lost his McDonalds job. We asked his roommates what they thought of him, and they all said well, he's an idiot. They said Hank shouldn't have gotten into college in the first place, I mean he's not that smart as you've probably seen. He cheated all the way through high school off of people dumber than him. Somehow he managed to get by though. He eventually cheated his way back into college somehow and his old job too. Or he tricked everyone into thinking he belonged there. Eventually he bumbled his way through his restaurant management classes and became head waiter at Chili's, haha just kidding. He barely passed on his own he says and got a 2.0 gpa somehow. He must be telling the truth, if he cheated he would get better grades. He however, did have to go back to McDonalds because he was caught stealing free samples at his job. They started him out as a crew member again unfortunately .He eventually rose to middle management, then became the CEO of his own franchise. It's the Peter Principle again. Eventually, however, the fool in him got him in trouble and he ran the company into the ground. Such a sad thing to happen to such a fine fool but it did. His coworkers stamped the word fool on him at the company's last Christmas party. He woke up and shouted who did this? No one confessed. He later wound up having to work as a mascot in a chicken shop, and got a bad case of gas that got him in trouble everywhere. He ended up being the laughing stock of his graduating class and will probably go to his tenth college reunion as a bagboy in Publix or some other ridiculous thing. Seriously, I am scared for him and for people in general because of his actions. He dragged his roommates and college buddies down with him too that's the really scary thing. Actually, I just heard that he became an adjunct professor at beer can college. For those fools who don't know what that is, its really Broward Community College. He belongs there with all those professors who couldn't get real university teaching jobs. Haha just kidding, I might start teaching at a community college if I get my master's degree in something. Chapter Three A guy got kicked in the nuts by a mule. One day on the weekend off, I noticed some guy getting really angry, he was swearing up and down at his mule and he did the one thing you should never ever do to a mule or any other animal. He kicked it right in the hind parts . Well that got me to thinking what is going to happen to him. I knew he'd get kicked back but where he got kicked you wouldn't have guessed, yep right in the nuts dead on full hit, ten points to the mule. I almost feel sorry for the poor sap. It is sad what our society has become, but it's his own fault. Now I see this and crack up laughing because animal cruelty by people is never right, but if the animal hits the next of kin its funny. So I happen along and call the guy a certifiable imbecile for doing that. I mean you're supposed to go to heaven on a mule not kick one. If you're dumb enough to let one kick you in the nuts you are without a doubt an imbecile. So then he gets up swearing even more and I'm thinking this guy needs medical attention. I call the ambulance and they come and pick him up along with the cops to arrest him once he's ok. Apparently kicking a mule is now a crime in Margate where the incident took place. I was told he is on felony charges for that. I called Dave and he says cool! What an idiot, we laugh like hell at the guy. We even go to the jail cell where he's held to make fun of him, and we go to the trial where the judge a passed a sentence of 5 years in prison for getting kicked in the nuts by a mule essentially. We then sound the idiot alarm and do some air guitar rock stuff after the trial was over. We celebrate again and laugh because not only did he get kicked he went to jail. The next day, his son comes out and does the same thing. Now his son lived in Iowa where mules and fools go together. So he's not too bright and gets mad at the mule for getting his father in trouble. His dad's sentence was eventually overturned, but this guy kicked the mule, the mule kicked him in the nuts and he wound up landing in a large cow pie face first. I said oh shit when I saw this. (Pun intended.) It was grand, but the guy needed medical attention so I called 911 and they came. I told them to bring a lot of gloves since he landed in cow s&%$. The guy was embarrassed, but at least he knew better than to get too upset at me for saying that. So then the medics get there. They can't believe what happened and they say hey guys get a load of this goof. Of course that moron was screaming so loud it was unbelievable. They had to operate on him, thankfully I wasn't around for that. I'm sure it wasn't pretty. As it was he was back to his normal idiot self in no time. Eventually, he moved to Rochester, home to the quote unquote genius. I'll never forget this guy as he was the next of kin to that mule, since no one else was there .So then I decide to file a claim for the unused farm, since I thought it would be cool to have a farm. I do not get it but I decide to stay there for the time being anyways. I got the nickname Farmer Joe for a while but I got used to it. At least I am smart enough not to kick any mules. The next few days were really boring, no stupid stuff happened. Then it turns out the first mule kicker escaped from jail, I don't know how he did it with his injuries but he did. The sad thing is he does it again, what a moron, but this time the mule breaks his arm, so he isn't likely to get away this time. The cops and EMTs scoop him up, and of course I happen to be on the scene just in time for the judge to pass another 5 years for running away. I'm just in disbelief of this man's idiocy but I really shouldn't be. So then his son finds out about this and comes back raising hell. I get out of his way because he thinks it's my fault he's in jail, which it isn't. He tried to fight me but he swung and missed by a mile because he was drunk. I didn't hit him back because of two things, first I felt sorry for the poor guy, second he missed by that mile and landed face first in a cow pie. I just left laughing I didn't need to be involved with that kind of trouble. He lays there not even opening his mouth to swear at me because if he does cow pie gets in it. It's the least tasty pie you've ever tasted I'm sure. Of course Dave happens to be on hand to check out the stupidity firsthand, and compliments me on the way I handled the fight. I told him there was no fight, he took a swing and missed me by a mile. Of course this sets off a chain of laughs and we take a look at the moron with his face in cow crap. It was a sad day for him to say the least. Dave gets mad at him and says look at you you're covered in cow shit and you can't even get up the cops are on their way and this is what they are going to see. So he doesn't move and Dave says you're a fool and walks away. The cops of course scoop him up but they are not happy about having to remove him. So they call the courthouse and say can't they just let this one slip, I mean he will eventually pass sentence on himself anyways. You are not seeing what I am seeing here your honor he says. So the judge says fine he's a *%$#@!!! idiot let him be. The paramedics however, have to help him out of that. I feel sorry for them and wait around to see their reactions. Of course it was worse than I had expected. They say hey Joe this is the fifth time this month this has happened, haha just kidding. They do say something about this becoming more and more common. So they haul his ass away and I wave goodbye to him. Eventually he does pass sentence on himself, sticking a fork into a toaster to pull out part of a piece of bread. He is carted off to the E.R, but checks out anyways as he is burned pretty badly from electroshock. He was survived by his ex-wife his son and his pig. Reportedly the pig was the only one mourning his death. His ex-wifewent to Hawaii with the life insurance payment, his son remained in Margate and took care of the pig. He got custody of the pig. Oops I got it wrong, the pig got custody of him. I heard the pig took good care of him haha he's such a fool. The judge actually said the pig had custody of him by the way, and no he wasn't joking. That's right, there's a man walking around Margate with a hog as his legal guardian. Again this is what our country has descended into. Judges are making loony rulings like this but more on this later. So anyways it turns out the pig takes good care of him and they get on fine together. Yes that's right. Eventually the guy got mad and decided that when their love went sour well let's just say he has enough bacon to last him a year. Oh yes it turns out he made a new song called Hog Love. They went on dates together, had relations, and even were going to get married in the state of Nevada, Las Vegas. Unfortunately, like I said their love went sour. Dave happens to be on hand to explain what relations is for illiterate fools. It means they had sex, apparently the farmer's son wanted to have kids with a pig. However it later was found out that not only is interspecies breeding impossible, the pig was also male. The farm boy decided it was time to hang himself at that point, but instead fried the pig for bacon. I heard it was tasty. So then the pig loving fool decides to bury the rest of the pig in mud, unfortunately he slips in a soft patch and yells fools! as he goes down. He lands in the mud and it covers him completely. Apparently he was drunk and in mourning because he committed his crime of passion and said Oh God what have I done? The pig was survived by the pig's son and its pig on the side haha. The pig was having an affair. So in any case the man mourns the pig's passing by eating all the bacon in one monstrous sitting. Well he tries to anyways, but he had a hundred pounds of bacon and pork left. Chapter 4 **People who drop valuables in the toilet** I heard a man dropped 500 dollars in cash and equipment down Old Flushy. That's right, down the drain where the water runs foul there's 500 dollars in cash and electronic equipment. It's sitting there for anyone who wants to dive in after it (although it's probably disintegrated by now) The poor fool had to decide whether or not to be a man and use his hand (according to the old saying). Essentially he decided to let it go and be a better man for his loss. He made the right choice, but is still a fool for losing the stuff in the first place. I mean, how do you do something like that. Did he have it in his hands then go, "oops"? Or did it fall out of his pockets and hop in the water? Anyways, some people were less lucky.However, a girl, who was a friend of my friend Dave was not so lucky. Shedid the same thing and reached in to get them. Poor her. It turned out that the stuff she made the great sacrifice to reach in for was electrically fried from the water. It was a total waste. Whoa, now your thinking, "gross I would sadly let it go". Again this is what our society has degenerated to. I agree she should have, but she was a "genius" quote unquote. This person wasted their effort grabbing stuff to get well....stuff. Aren't you glad I have spies to tell me about things like this? As she realized she grabbed her electronics and they were ruined she shouted "Fools!" loudly enough to wake the dead, or at least some students who were sleeping in class. It really was a waste too since she was quite lovely as Dave tells it. Oh well at that point I start making fun of Dave for having a crush on a girl who is obviously a research subject, and a fool. Which is funny since I have seen some pretty smart engineering students, in fact some are my new friends here in Alabama. I don't think they did such things. I guess she cheated her way through. So to her ,we present the moron award (insert singing and lyrics here). Ha ha so then I go home and Dave tells me that another person did something stupid and it turns out it was the same person who reached in, they were having really bad luck that day. I accused Dave of doing the same thing but he claims (yeah right) that all he dropped is toilet paper. Sure dude we believe you. I kept after him about it and he admits to dropping his house key once but more about that later. It'll be a side splitter though I promise. O.k. o.k. these two gay guys bug him but that's all for now. Then some guy drops his car keys in a sewer at FAU. Now this guy is richer than the law should allow but got dang it he is a fool. He lost his keys to a Rolls Royce damn it. Now he tried to reach into the sewer because there was a grate through which he could see the keys but he over did it and fell in, he shouted "oh shit" as he tumbled down, bam! Piss and stuff land all over his five thousand dollar suit. It was horrible, I mean the guy walked out badly needing a bath and gallons of cologne. He never smelled so bad in his life, I think, or looked so bad. He walked through the streets wearing all that when he got out. He got in his car and tried to cruise for chicks. He got some, but man they were ugly and were going to take whatever they could get. Apparently he was too and went riding around with muck all over his clothes and hair, and he got some on the girls. It was hilarious I actually got a picture of this brazen fool joyriding. His father saw him drive up and said oh no not again (I interviewed him after the sighting of his foolery.) His father was worse off than he was though, foolish wise, but that belongs in a separate book. His father didn't even need to ask to realize the situation exactly. So his son, whose name was Garreth Jackson, comes in to clean up as he realizes man I reek. So he tells the girls to wait there and they say, "Damn man, we need to wash up too after your stank ass got slop on us! We'll come with you." I was like "damn man why can't I get girls to do that with me?" Oh wait, I can I said. However, I wouldn't, well not like that anyways. He did it once before I guess. So he goes in the shower with the two girls and shouts, "Oh shit!" again because he forgot the condoms. So the fool says, "ahhh who cares." and has sex with them anyways. He becomes a father at the age of 19 of course. His father is pissed but it's ok because the guy has a job at his dad's factory. He then drops out of college to take care of the children he has from 2 different women. So he finished college about a year after I did, although for him it took a little longer, 6 years he said. So I laughed at this and said well at least you're not a complete waste of flesh. He responded by giving me more reasons to write about him in a book of fools. I leave and he winds up slipping on a banana peel cracking his head open on the sidewalk. I heard he checked out that night. I went to the funeral services and threw rotten tomatoes and other fruits at the casket because I figured it would be the way he wanted to be remembered. He died the way he lived. Then there are certain people from Rochester, New York. Dave, in fact is from Rochester, New York. I have bothered him numerous times about being a quote unquote genius. He claims to be a true genius though. I'm not convinced of this I say. This place is home to the quote "genius" unquote as he says. One man, a plumber went to a house call and got his arm stuck in a drain. He dropped a wrench in and couldn't get himself out. He then shouted fucking fools! when he realized he was stuck. I almost died from hearing this. Needless to say he was fired as the fire department had to use the Jaws of Life to get him out. He was visibly upset, especially when the firefighter asked him, "where did you learn to plumb, in the sink?" I agree with that, I mean that is the only thing that makes sense there. The guys then cut the toilet out which really got him in trouble. The homeowner decided to sue the plumbing company, and won a million dollar lawsuit. The company wanted to kill the idiot plumber, who I felt kind of sad for. He founded his own plumbing company out of his house, which was a disaster. His wife called him an idiot and went to visit her mother for a few weeks. He went to visit his father for a few to go fishing in the mountains. He left the business in Dave's hands, who tried to give it to me, I was like I'm not touching this one, no way. No I am just kidding, the guy wouldn't be that dumb, or would he... ha ha you'll never know. One day he comes back and the business he started is run into the ground, literally. His house was ruined and man was he pissed off, he was also pissed on, by one of the plumbers he hired. The man had won the lottery so he decided to piss on the boss. He decided however to be the oddball that would keep his job. So when he did that the other guys he worked with all wanted to beat him down. Of course he decided against going back to work and got himself a personal trainer so that he would not resemble a plumber anymore. He of course was too stupid to follow the instructor's instructions. Ha ha, he's that stupid. I would try to help the poor guy but I can't. Dave might be able to, but he would lose his patience faster than me. Eventually it turns out that the trainer was able to get him to slightly less resemble a plumber. In fact, the plumber, well the former plumber was doing really good , but one day he slipped on one of his doughnuts, shouted "oh fudge" and had a squat bar fall on him and a guy who was bench pressing. Well if they weren't both seriously injured I think the bench press guy would have tried to kill him. The plumber had 225 on the rack. The bench press guy had 315 on the rack. Dave saw what had happened and said oh *%$#@$! Call the cops! So they take the guys away in ambulances and the plumber decides to give up weight training. He does however, while he recovers, eat doughnuts all day everyday he was in traction it seemed. His leg was broken and he couldn't go back to plumbing. He had a high school education, so what did he do? He became a cop. Somehow he managed to pass all his physical and mental requirements (he probably bribed the senior officers). So now he is probably riding around in NYC eating doughnuts and pretending he's still a plumber. I heard he robbed a Drippy Dream shop in Rochester and got caught by actual robbers looking to make a name for themselves. Dave told me the guy got caught and they made him quit the force and be a part of their heists so he couldn't squeal on them. I asked him how he knows this and he says he was doing research for this book long before I was. Unfortunately it turns out this plumber/cop/crook wound up cutting his time in a criminal career short. He got carted away by the real police when he ended up shooting himself in the butt. Yeah he put his gun in his back pocket and sat down to eat pizza in the middle of a heist. Of course the gun went off and he ran around like an idiot. He confessed too which was a testament to his endless foolery. It wasn't so much that he confessed to the robbery that makes him so much the fool, but what he did after robbing the bank and how he shot himself. So he then says to Dave, "I woke up and found out I'm going toget shot hahaha." Well someone should have shot him, he's not just a fool, he is a menaceto the entire society. I heard from Dave that the guy got 20 years for the last heist he was in but got 3 life sentences overall. Then, there was the guy on the track field. Many years ago, at least five, some guy, also from Rochester, ran around a track and at some point his pants, boxers, and all fell to the ground. He stopped running unaware he was naked and said, "Damn it suddenly got cold out here." What a doofus. A lot of girls were watching him. I laughed when I heard this one. It was funny, but not a riot like the guy driving into a ditch and babbling boobs over and over again. He stopped running to pull his pants up, but it was too late, everyone had seen the goods, or the bads depending on how you looked at it. He was kind of chubby due to his love of anything fried, including donuts and pizza. One would ask why he was even out there in the first place. Well, his school made him do it, more or less. It was a graduation requirement at his high school. So he was running and he had on baggy jeans like prison guys wear. Man, those guys need belts. In my opinion, guys who wear that are idiots if they run while wearing them. So then the coach comes over to see what the hell happened and she does it too. Now, she is a teacher who came right from college so all the guys are staring when she does it. They thankfully ignore the moron who was trying to run around the track. So the guy sees this and shouts donuts! This was because he spilled his donuts while running around the track. His eyes bugged out of his head though. He flipped out of course. He kept running though , so he could get his hands on the woman, or so he thought. What a fool, he tripped over his donuts and landed flat on his face. Dave ran by when the story took place and took what was left of the guy's food and started eating it. He picked the guy up though so he could keep running. It was hilarious. The poor guy, I am sorry to say did not get to touch that sweet ass, but at least he made an A in P.E. from trying to run faster. Dave, however, did get to put his hands on her. It became a huge scandal at the school he said. He also stopped eating donuts and pizza eventually and became a stupid jock. He was one of those guys who got better looking and lost the ability to conceptualize up and down. Nah he couldn't be that bad, but he came to FAU with Dave so I got to see firsthand how bad it was. It was worse actually. So it turns out he got to go there on a football scholarship. The guy still said donuts when something unexpected happened like his pants falling down or him slipping in his junk food. How he got to be a football player I will never know. I am glad I took advice from a very wise person who advised me not to be a part of that. Football players are such fools I have heard, no wait that was basketball players. One of my sociology professors, Dr. Evans, stated that one of his students got a 12 on an exam. 12! I couldn't conceptualize that kind of thing. What's wrong with these people. Dave came in that day and said duh Joe these athletes are fools! It's true when you hang out with idiots you become one. All the athletes did was socialize with each other and talk about sports. They never cracked the books open for fear of looking like a nerd. It's better to be a nerd than a fool. Doesn't that scare them? It would scare me. And football players, don't get me started on them. College football players, around one third are fathers. Fathers! They shouldn't even consider that sort of thing until they are out of college. However, many of them have kids for some sort of welfare thing I heard. It's absolutely mind boggling how stupid these people are. It gets worse, I'm sure, but I don't have the evidence yet. But rest assured I will follow these idiots until I find something foolish that they've done. News flash, it turns out the guy who got 12 on the exam was a men's basketball player for Florida Atlantic University. I laughed uncontrollably over that, and Dr. Evan's asked me why I was laughing. I responded by saying got dang man it's a 12. He asks again why that is funny. I say because these guys are fools! Ahhh Rochester is always good for a laugh. I heard another man in Rochester, a firefighter, almost burned the firehouse down. He was branded a quote unquote genius. Dave had a hell of a time explaining that one to me. I was hysterical hearing it. I mean a fireman doing that? That would be like a cop who murdered other cops or blew up the station. Of course he was fired from his post, I mean this guy was like pointless to have there in the first place. Who does these things, and why do they do them? The answers will be revealed... shortly. Dave goes to tell me the short answer, because they're idiots. The truth behind it is that these people have no common sense. I mean the guy was found grilling steak in the firehouse and misused gasoline, the paper said. Who in their right mind uses equipment without knowing how to use it right? Far too many people if you ask me. As it was he set himself on fire too. What a fool. The next day he starts working as a construction worker. I see him working on something at FAU. My mind wanders to all the worst case scenarios that could occur. He does one, because he doesn't know how to use the equipment. The poor guy, whose name is Harry Dickler, by the way, is a klutz. He wrecked some of the project he was working on, and nearly killed himself, the foreman and other workers. How did he manage this? He rode on a jackhammer like an idiot and wound up spilling a bunch of oil all over the beams. It was hilarious and also scary, what if everyone were to turn out this way. It could happen, there ought to be a law that says people like this can't have children. According to my partner in crime, Dave Chandra B.S., its genetic, stupidity is hereditary. Now for the fools who don't know what that means, it means its passed on from parents to their children from birth. Again most of the college students didn't know what he was talking about, so he tried to simplify it further. He drew a picture, but still some students had no idea what it was. He gave up, and in his disgust he said you fools are all going to end up like him! I shudder to think that he may be right. I hope he isn't because I couldn't live in a world like that. Of course the guy was fired and Dave gave up trying to educate the college students, because he says they're all fools. So Dave shouts fools! And he walks away from the small group he was teaching. I feel sorry for Dave, he always tries to make the world a more educated place, and then these damn college fools get in the way of that. I' m not just trying to be funny here the college students at FAU were fools when I was there and will be long after. They tend to be stupider than people who didn't go to college and became fools. I heard the two guys who harassed Dave were from Rochester but that is another story. They may get their own book, Idiots Three. Again Dave himself was from Rochester which I gave him hell about, since some of our stories came from that same place. Next there was a guy who managed to set himself on fire .He was doing a barbeque for his friends and accidentally spilled something that he mislabeled as booze on himself. He grabbed a match and lit the grill. It was actually lighter fluid and the flames leapt out at him. Of course like a fool he shouted gas! He ran around . To add to it he accidentally dropped the match in his trousers. He thus lit his own testicles on fire as well. Of course, this was priceless and shows stupidity at its height. He wound up in the ER. I then wound up eating most of the food at his party after seeing this. I was like well can't let this good food go to waste. Dave and I had quite the party after that. It lasted till 4 am with beer (real beer not lighter fluid) flowing freely. His friends toasted him but called him a total buffoon for lighting himself on fire. I finally passed out at 4 am, Dave passed out drunk as a skunk. Some people were still acting stupid but most had gone home or passed out as well. Rochester is home to many quote unquote geniuses. One guy was reading a newspaper and had walked into the street, no big deal. However, he walks right into an open manhole. Of course, he shouts look out below, to the rats in the sewer. The rats, of course, vacate the area temporarily, but then a few bite him, ouch. He doesn't die but he's pretty badly injured. He broke his arm in 2 places and dislocated his leg. The paramedics were doing rock paper scissors to see who had to go down there this time. It was horrible because the guy stank so bad, and was hurting so much. He had been a playboy before the incident, but couldn't get a date for a year following the incident. I wouldn't be surprised. Who would want to be around that, the stench was bad enough but the buffoonery he made was much worse. I was slightly in shock to hear about what he did, but not as much as I used to. I was getting used to the stupidity of people. Finally, in Boca a guy decided to go around walking the streets asking where his platoon was. This was when he walked out of his house wearing a diaper on his butt and a pacifier in his mouth. So the men in white coats came and took him to the funny farm, which is where he belonged. Dave couldn't comprehend at first what he was seeing when they took the guy away. I couldn't believe I was lucky enough to have seen such lunacy. I actually told him his platoon was in a bar called Tattletales, a gay bar. So because I love messing with the stupid (not the retarded, that's just cruel) I gave him the directions for it when the men in white coats let him go. It should be noted that in fact, Dave had called the men in white coats to get him. He was like ohhohohohhho Joe this is front page news, so I gave him my cell phone to call the funny farm for pickup. So we then skip school to watch this and the cops come by telling me for the thousandth time I should be in school. I tell him look I am nearly graduating college and it's my day off. He didn't believe me until I showed him my id. Apparently I'm a minor to them despite the fact I am (now) twenty-five years of age. So we go to the funny farm and laugh at the loons there, especially our favorite one, and sure enough he asks some guy in a Batman suit where his commanding officer is. I tell him I am his commanding officer and tell him to put on some pants (he was still wearing his diaper and pacifier) I also tell him to take the damn pacifier out. He doesn't do it and I say damn it you're a fool and leave him in his idiocy. He breaks out and follows us but Dave calls him an idiot and he walks away. He comes back five minutes later claiming the Martians are coming to take him home. I try to find them but Dave says, "Come on Joe there are no Martians, he is just nuts." So I tell the guy to go call the cops to tell them about this and they call for the men in white coats to pick the guy up. However, they refuse saying he's too nuts to be in their hospitals. So the cops just laugh at him and let him loose in the streets. Now mind you, this is one of those college students that Dave tried to educate previously, but he smoked too much dope and became one. So the guy tried to drive away in a police cruiser. Unfortunately, someone put a bomb in that cruiser and it went sky high as did the college fool. He crashed down to earth and said I 'm ok and passed out. Me and Dave decided to have more fun with him, tying him up with ropes and chains then carting him off to a mental hospital/emergency room. We bust in wearing surgical masks and shouting doctor we have to operate. Then we tell him no were kidding, but it was funny. This was after he got patched up by the emergency room for his physical wounds. The doctor shouts dam

n college kids after we leave, and then he says fools! So we forgot that we left the guy in the E.R. Anyways, we leave the funny farm (Dave followed the men in white coats to the funny farm). We then throw a party because we have witnessed a great act of stupidity, by a man who was judged later to be legally insane. We then howl (laugh hysterically) all the way back to FAU for our final exams the next day and graduate. Of course, I have the time of my life during all this as I showed up at my graduation drunker than ever. Dave showed up stewed to the gills, and obviously reeking of pot. We tried to score with the chicks and we did get buzzed drinking in celebration. We had our whole lives ahead of us unlike many of the college fools who Dave and I tried to make smarter. Also there were a lot of non-college educated fools who we tried to help, but they were lost causes. Fools! I love them. Then there was a guy who wanted to buy stock in Mars real estate. I was like he wants to buy a house on Mars. So me and Dave pretend we are realtors and we sell him a mansion on Mars. Of course the guy gave us a fake check so we cancel his house on Mars. He then decides to make a deal with the devil. I decide, Dave this is too good to pass up. We flip a coin to see who gets to pretend to be the devil. Dave wins, but he wasn't convincing me he was devilish enough so he lets me try. I convince him I really am Satan, so I go to the guy and say hey you as loud as I can. I'm the devil and I heard you want to make a deal with me. The guy nearly faints because he thinks he is in hell after smoking too many funny cigarettes. Dave knows what that means, he was smoking a few funny cigarettes on the bus a few times, or got on looking like he had. So the guy decides to sell his soul to me for a lot of money. I say here sign this contract which my lawyer will review and I'll give you money. I ended up giving him a box of Monopoly money after he signed his soul to me. He later decided it wasn't a fair trade and demanded his soul back. I however showed him the contract that Dave reviewed and it showed it was legal. He complained about the fake money but it said in the contract that it would be fake money, this is exactly what he signed for. Well he didn't like it but this is why you shouldn't smoke and fly or drink and drive. You don't know what you'll do, this has been a public service announcement by one half of the idiocy police. Well he threatened to take me to court and indeed he tried, but they threw the case out, laughing at him. Well actually they just laughed at him and booted him out of the courthouse, telling him not to sign contracts while impaired. He tried to sue me again while I was in full devil regalia. The court laughably took this up seriously and named a case Lucifer a.k.a the Devil vs. Jonathan Jones. They actually took his case seriously and said your deal with the devil is legally binding due to the contract Mr. Chandra (Dave) reviewed. The court ordered him to pay lawyer fees and determined the person's soul now belonged to me and was free to do whatever I wished with it. I decided to try to sell it on eBay but no one would buy it after I said how I got it. So I kept it and later traded it for sex from a crack whore. He decided who cares if I am going to hell I might as well do it with style. I agreed but eventually gave it back to him, after all this was supposed to be a prank. He tried to sell his soul to the devil again, but this time while sober. I then trick him again, then inform him his soul is now property of my dog Kringle, to which he is alarmed greatly. Now I didn't think there was a guy who could top this but there was, a guy who claimed he Was God/ Jesus. He went around condemning people and trying to cast fire and brimstone. He tried to smite me and Dave , calling us sinners and heathens because I told him to go to hell. I told him if he's God he could jump off a building and not hurt himself. So he jumped off the nearest one of course and broke his arm. I laughed at him and then called for the FAU medical team. I told them to be careful and to send some men in white coats because this guy thinks he is God. They said he thinks he's God, I said yes God as in the Christian God. He went on complaining about how he died to save sinners, which was funny since he was clearly doing all the things Jesus would never do. He was talking &%$#$!@ about the *&%$#!#@ Pharasees and the religious men of two thousand years ago, and how the people of today had nothing on them. He still talked a bunch of *%$!#@!!! about today's people though, about how instead of worshipping him they do drugs and have sex. He was out of his mind. He was a basket case that was funny to watch. So then he tells Dave he's going to hell for no particular reason. I think he just likes saying that. Dave tells him he is going to the nuthouse. Dave tells him also that he's going to hell in a great and loud voice. So the medics come and he insists on not taking medical treatment, because he says he's God. So then the men in white coats come and he tells them they're going to hell. I told him yeah but you're going to the nut house. So Dave naturally wants to follow him and I , although I am tired from staying up all night for finals, agree to go. We then see he stopped claiming he was God/Jesus and claimed he was the squirrel from a music video. Ridiculously enough, he also claimed he was the hot dog that the massage guy calls for help from. Of course, I'm helpless with laughter after hearing that. It's insanity at its best. So in December 2003 I am watching this guy claim he's all these fake people/animals/food. They have him there to this day I am sure. So the day after I go to the nuthouse with Dave the guy still believes he's the hot dog from the music video. It is quiet for a month, yeah a whole month goes by until someone does something dumb, or at least something I catch. The downtime was good to review and reflect the idiocy of the year gone by. I then say its been a good year (no relation to the tire store). Then January 2004, New Years Day rolls around. Dave tells me suitcase guy is at it again. He wound up losing his wedding ring in the sink. That wasn't all, he tried to get it out and wound up wrecking his bathroom. He pulled the pipe open to see if it was in there. It wasn't, it had been rushed all the way down the drain. He is being flooded by this point and doesn't think to shut off the water. So he continues to look , probably thinking, man I am an idiot, I mean I would be if I were him. So Dave continues telling me what he heard and I cannot stop laughing. It would be funnier if I could show you. However, it's still great example of how stupid this guy is. Then the plumber comes in and first tries to shut off the water. No luck there. So the guy literally has to swim around in the water. What is worse is the plumber is not much brighter than the homeowner, if any. He accidentally ends up breaking the toilet pipe. So then toilet water is flowing into the room. By then, the water is almost up to the guys chest. Of course, *&%$#@!! is flowing into the room and on them. They never find the ring of course because it went down the drain, but they keep searching. They almost drown, but the plumber finally shuts off the water, although unfortunately the plumber shows his butt to the homeowner by accident. The end of the story is that the plumber is fired and a cleanup crew has to take over the guy's house for a bit. His wife beats on him for losing the ring and not getting it back. He has to buy her a lot of expensive gifts for her to forgive him. It sucks being a moron, thankfully, I do not have to deal with that, nor does Dave. So then Dave happens to walk by him one day on the street and shout fool! I was embarrassed and said Dave cut it out. He had on his graduation suit too, which made it all the more funny to see this. The fool had on his plumber outfit though and said &%$#@ college students. I don't know why he was mad at us. I mean we didn't do anything except expose his idiocy. So Dave shouts back*&^%$#@!!! Plumbers, they're all Fools! Dave ran like hell after that and caught the bus to school. The next day it happens again and the plumber looks like he's going to deck Dave, but he just yells *%$#@ college students and Dave yells *&%$#@ plumbers. Eventually they both just laugh their butts off because of the absurdity of the situation. In fact they became the best of friends. Dave however realized why he said *%$#@ plumbers soon after and got disgusted of him. So Dave returns back to Florida to watch the idiocy that happens here, but he claims nothing can compare with good old Rochester. Of course I repeatedly bother him about his living in Rochester, which always makes him laugh. He insists he is a real genius, but I 'm not so sure sometimes, like the time he dropped his keys and the gay guys got to him. They really pissed him off. Chapter 5 My own Friends. My friends have been a minefield of information for this book. They have done so many dumb things it hurts to list them. First off is Tony he is dumber than dirt He graduated from high school with a Special Education diploma first of all, and second he acts like it. For example, I was hanging out with him when I was in college he didn't attend. I wonder why. (Note the sarcasm). He started dating 4 or 5 girls at a time, and he got caught all the time. That isn't the worst though, one time we were at an amusement park and two of his girlfriends showed up there. He was on a date with one the other just was there. He tried to pass one off on me which worked well until they found out I wasn't dating anyone. They then both broke up with him, although it worked for the night. They probably beat his skinny ass to a pulp afterward though. I would have if I were them. Then there was his girlfriend Lizzy. I didn't care much for her because she gave Tony so much trouble, but they deserved each other. Anyways she tells him, Tony I think I am pregnant and he says who's the father. Now if they had had sex she should be upset at him. They hadn't slept together, yet she got pissed. In fact Tony's probably too stupid, to this day to get any woman to go to bed with him. Now if that isn't stupid I don't know what is. I mean having sex is, to my knowledge, the only way to procreate. And yes I did need to put that in there, since some people obviously don't understand that. Either that or she's a ho and just got mad at Tony to cover up, whatever. I mean a song by Ludicrous comes to mind. Tony still doesn't catch on to the fact that she might be cheating on him. If I had a girlfriend who told me that I would break up with her, if I hadn't been sexually active with her. In fact I would have actually said one of two things, one, you're a fool! How can you say that and then get mad at me that's how people procreate. Or two you cheated on me, we're through. He acted like everything was ok except for her being so stupid. This was confusing since he's no Rhodes scholar himself. He makes Beavis and Butthead look like college professors. She makes them look like Harvard medical doctors, maybe even Tokyo University doctors. What amazes me (and I just realized this) is someone out there exceeds his stupidity rating. That is just scary, I hope he and her never have sex or children because Tony would forget the condom, have kids, and they would be a bunch of retards. I'd feel sorry for kids like that. In fact it should be a crime for them to have kids at that level of idiocy. Next would be Bret. I'm not trying to trash Bret he volunteered himself for this book. His misadventures are hilarious. It is a good thing too, I could write the rest of my entire book on his escapades (this means misadventures). One time he almost became a farm boy. I called him Farmer Bret. Haha man what a stupid move. I believe that this is why he says I'm a dumbass to himself. He gets the idiot medal when I see him again. (I'm actually going to give him a medallion stating he's a certifiable idiot) Nah I realized that would be too mean. He did not go through with being a farmer's assistant for the reason that he would stink too much like a horse. However, what is the point of working if you don't come home smelling of manure? My father used to do that all the time. I would have done it for fun, I mean just temporarily. Then there was the time he drove home from a party while higher than a kite with wings. Now you're thinking damn what an idiot, and you're right operation of a car while under the influence is really stupid. I totally agree with that, he should have his license rescinded. For the illiterate fools, Dave would say this means taken away. No actually, I think he would give up trying to teach anyone anything, get pissed off, and say you guys are idiots. I'm getting a mental picture of that now. If Dave met my other friends he would just explode, especially the ones noted in my book, he would say you're all fools after about 5 seconds. Nah, I am joking he would have slightly more patience. However, it would be a bad experience for him, and for them. Another one is when he drove to a club in 3 degree weather. I laughed until I cried at this one. He told me he was just bored and wanted to go out. I told him he was an imbecile, and he wouldn't see me out in that weather for almost anything. He agreed, but still would do it again im sure. He has done plenty of other stuff too like the time he became homeless. He told me he had 2 kids and I was like dude you need to get straight for them. His response was I'm a homeless bastard what should I do. Seriously, he was homeless for a long time and eventually moved around New York, becoming a paperboy. For a while, he was staying with his dad and sleeping for 12 hours a day, working out part time, and driving around looking to pick up girls. Guys this is what happens to people who like the sauce too much. They end up homeless , have reckless sex (which sounds fun until you see the consequences) probably get disease, hopefully Bret didn't, make drunk calls, which Bret has done, lose jobs which were bad to start with, talk shit on their drunk calls , and drive into ditches shouting deer! Nah I know he was not drunk when he did that. One other funny thing he did was sneak out of his girlfriends house when he was homeless. He was trying to leave to meet up with me to hang out that night. I was thinking Bret you idiot don't get killed over a girl! I think his girlfriend's father was blocking his escape, but didn't know he was there. So his buddy Sketch shows up there too at some point, and they come to church with me that night. Note Sketch should have his own chapter. Why? He's voluntarily homeless and he drags his friends into that life it seems too. Hell the fact that he wants to live in the streets and sell newspapers shows something's wrong upstairs. I mean why would anyone with his intelligence do that? Bret is currently trying to start a band in New York with me as the lead singer, if this book sells a million copies I will go there first and make the band with him. So if he wants that band I am sure he will advertise, he will probably go street to street telling people to buy my book, which would be hilarious in itself. In fact, I'll bet he is trying to at this moment get people in New York to buy copies of this unfinished book. Next would be Ed, here is a man who has done everything. He claimed to have no shame, so I am putting him to the test here. He's not a bad guy. I'm not doing this to trash him either. He's just very entertaining. One really stupid thing he's done is graduate high school at twenty years of age. I think he had 2 junior years and 2 senior years. He was in fact on drugs to have done that. In his case, he almost dropped out anyways because his G.P.A. had turned to 1.6 in his 2nd senior year. Miraculously, he made just enough to get by. I didn't make fun though because even though his actions were stupid I knew he was struggling. However, all the while even in his last senior year he went out and got cocaine. Once, he and his best friend went to go get an eight ball of coke. Come to think of it I should make fun of this guy, he is such a fool, I personally understand the depths of Ed's intellectual capabilities, which is why he's in a book of buffoons. He is an idiot for not realizing his intellectual capabilities, he opted to be like the rest of the sheep we call our society. Ed should get the moron trophy for that. Or maybe he should run in the Special Olympics. He's a fake intellectual, he claims to be a liberal but he really is not. He once tried to get me kicked out of a band we were once in by obeying the leader's commands to go against me, without even hearing me out. He's conservative when it suits him. A liberal would have been fair and heard me out at least instead of following orders, like a sheep. In fact, that's what I will refer to him as it's his new nickname. Ed if you're reading this you're a sheep got a problem with that? In any case, he lost that one and even though he was a total jackass I saved him from being kicked out numerous times, once when he broke a microphone and stormed out of practice, once when the band nearly disbanded without me, and once when he was going to lose the lead position in singing. Again I'm only talking trash about him and the others who turned their backs on me. I 'm just stating what happened. So yes this book has everything drama, fighting, idiocy passion between men and women, men and men, and men and animals. It is also rumored that Ed and James were lovers, I didn't think it was true, but who knows I mean Ed used to have sex with other men and on Jame's dead journal it says he had a boyfriend in the past. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I think they both could do better than each other. Then there was James, his best friend. What a dope, he vows to save Ed from his drugs, then gets caught up in them. He is perhaps the stupidest man alive, he claims to be an intellectual and then doesn't go to college after high school. The stupid part is Jackal really is smart and he passed on law school which he could have actually completed. I have no doubt he could have done it, except for the fact that if he passed on it could he have done it? This is probably a philosophical question that cannot be best answered in a book about fools. So if he sees Ed's name in here he should not laugh, because he is literally next, and they did the same damn thing it seems. Oh well sheep do tend to flock together. I say who cares they're idiots. Sheep are stupid. Next, John is on the stupid list. He's cool; I am just putting him in to be funny. He has done some crazy stuff in his time. He once rode around town carrying an ax while biking. He was making a BMX track he claimed. He also said he wanted to chop up graves. He nearly clipped some old woman with the ax, he was also carrying a shovel, but he never made the track. I rode with him carrying a shovel, but I didn't do any damage. He also used to go around stealing golf balls on golf courses. Then there was the time someone (myself) pissed in a bottle of soda and he got someone to drink it. Oh the humanity, the poor fool who drank it turned out to be some dude nicknamed Batman. He made quite the face and that was before realizing exactly what he drank. John then tried to pull the same dumb joke on me but it failed. He did however get Tony to do it supposedly. I'd believe it as Tony is by not just my account, the lowest form of life there is. In my next book I am going to list all the girls he cheated on, and who he cheated with. I am also going to release a list of who he talked badly about among his guy friends. No mercy for the stupid will be shown. If any of the people want a list before my next Book I will offer either one for 5 bucks each or 8 bucks for both. If Tony doesn't like it, tough that's what you get for messing with smart people. John just might get his own book as Tony might as well, who knows if this book works out and the movie does too I might write books about both of them which promise to be more interesting than this one. Anyways back to John. He and I used to get into trouble all the time. He would take me to a golf course sometimes and we would take balls. Well one time he and I went and he told me to grab a ball, but he grabbed it and ran. It turned out it belonged to a cop who lost a 100 dollar bet. That would be the least stupid thing John had dragged me into. Then there was the time we tried to go to Miami to find drug money. He tried to hijack his grandfather's car (later it turned out he gave John the keys the whole time, John just forgot. So we cruise off for Miami and he hits a fire hydrant on the sidewalk because he didn't know how to drive. He shouts Buffoons! on impact and water gushes from the hydrant. I say give me the wheel and he hands me the wheel. It broke off. So I reattach it put on Plush by Stone Temple Pilots, and cruise off to Miami. He finds the drug lab too and he says we are rich. Of course I say let's not and say we did. He rushes into the lab and gets caught. He says oh s*%$ and somehow breaks loose, he managed to grab some money a whole suitcase full of it. I let him drive and I count it in the back seat of the car. I hand it to him and say there's at least 3 million in here. Of course, he opens it up to check it and the cash blows out the driver side window. I was like FUCK A DUCK, dude why did you open the window and spill all our money? The cops rolled by and we took off like a bat out of hell, because I knew they would suspect something. I pretended to be very sick and fortunately had been drinking a lot to celebrate our newfound wealth. So the cops ask why John was speeding so fast and he said (after I told him to tell them I was sick and had to go to the hospital.) that I was ill and was going to the hospital. They escort us there and I end up leaving after the cops leave. Meanwhile Johnny had gotten high as a kite and wanted to fly down the road. I sober up and try to go home as fast as possible, however he's wilding out, and he causes me to hit a mailbox. So I shout Beep! when the fucker makes me have an accident. We get home and his grandfather says &%$#@!*$# what the *%$##@@!@##$%#%^##$%!!!!!! happened to my car. I say well he got high and started bugging out while I was driving, and made me hit a mailbox, to which I shouted BEEP! In what turned out to be the most bizarre thing to happen, the guy just laughs because I shouted Beep! after having an accident. Of course, he makes Johnny get his old job back at Publix and work for the money to fix the damage. He doesn't get mad at him for getting high. I soon figure out why, the old man was the one Johnny was stealing it from. In fact, I figure it out because he was singing You're Beautiful to no one in particular while obviously high. Michael Barrett was someone I used to be friends with, but thought was too dumb to keep around. He once got so high that he saw a Budweiser frog and it asked him to get high with him. That's when you put the drugs down people. He refused to cut it out and was eventually caught with it at school. At least that is the story he told me. He was a really dumb kid, he failed sixth grade two or three times. In other cases he just did stupid things, like try to act perverted claiming he had sex with his dog and other stuff that most people wouldn't do or admit to doing. He might be the reason Blink 182 made the song I want to fuck a dog in the ass. Then there was Jason. He was one of Tony's friends who I knew and considered him to be a great guy. But he had his moments. For example, he ran up over a thousand dollars in phone bills at a week stay in a hotel. He had a cell phone, so he had no excuse. It wasn't a drunk call either. He was calling his girlfriend which was nice, but you don't do that with a hotel phone.This was sometime in 2004, I think and I hadn't seen Tony to hang out with since before then, Jason either. Oh well Jason got them to drop some of the charges luckily. However, he's doing some other stupid things back in Coral Springs. He is going to the clubs trying to watch naked girls. Instead he should be trying to pick them up. He drops like a thousand bucks on them, he should drop half on his clothes, cologne, etc so he can get dates with them. At least that is what I would do if I had that much to spend freely. Nah, just kidding 500 bucks is too much to spend on clothes at one time for me. Then there was Brian again, one day he tells me he wants to be homeless like another friend of ours, named Sketch. He woke up one day and decided that having a house was too much trouble and having a job was even worse. So I try to reason with him, but it doesn't work. He has his heart set on being a bum like his hero Sketch at that point. I guess Sketch straightened this fool out about what being homeless is like. He eventually decided being homeless sucks, (for anyone else contemplating being like him, it does don't do it) and decided to create Ideozine, a web design company that would make him a rich man if he knew how to market it right. He then changed his mind and got pissed at me for not wanting him to give up his dream. I say fine who needs to put up with his foolery. Too bad I used to like being his friend, but he decided to end that. Sketch by the way is a fool too. He's a darn fine person, but stupid because he is voluntarily homeless. I do not understand why anyone would want this on themselves, let alone why this desire is starting to be a trend, or so it seems. It tends to come from people who do a lot of drugs particularly weed. Apparently these people think they are intellectuals and their great ideas come from that. Note the sarcasm there. Sketch actually passed his GED with a good score while high and rolling on ecstasy or something else I don't remember. He said when he is 21 he wants to turn his life around completely. I told him Sketch don't you think that this might be something you're stuck in permanently, if you don't change it now. He hadn't considered that possibility of course, but he was cool about it. I say he needs to go home, but as of yesterday I heard that he isn't going back. I know a guy who failed his test, but he did it because he threw out a section that didn't make sense. Actually, this fool would be Bret Pries (insert trumpet sound here). He went off on some sort of rant about how he hated some politician, probably George W. Bush. Bush will get his part in this book believe me. As for Bret he already made enough appearances in here, its kind of getting weird. I should give him his own book too. Finally, the tale would be left untold if I left out the greatest fool of all, Fred. He got himself into the classic situation that Tony gets himself into. It should be noted that I told Fred jokingly I was putting him in the book and he told me in all seriousness that I could. He is currently involved with 2 women, a thing I would never do because I know what happens to men who do that, they get in big trouble with both. The women in question are named Hally and Taryn. Now the stupid thing is not just that he is with 2 women, but one is the old love of his life, and the other is the new love of his life. He finally after around four or more years of trying got Hally to go out with him again, then all of a sudden he decides he does not want her anymore. He was with her or trying to be with her on and off since he was sixteen, he is now twenty-four. He decides it was all about the thrill of the chase, which is fine and dandy in many cases, but not when you've suffered so much and the stakes are so high. Fred actually asked how stupid he is for that, to which I said no stupider than the average person. Perhaps this is giving him too much credit. Of course Fred will probably lose Hally for good and I warned him of that possibility. I suggested that he might decide to change his mind down the road 3 years from now. Well I think he's made a bad choice but I hope I am wrong. By the way he and I have talked about similar scenarios but I never thought something that Tony did on a regular basis would come out of Fred, he knows better I thought. As it turned out even in his fantasies the girls found him and murdered him, and they got really mad at me for covering for the guy as he skipped town, and the state and even faked his death. He for now, wants to be with Taryn, well to that I say good luck man you'll need it. You should take your secret with you to your grave, but like a friend of mine once said, your grave is going to be mighty full. Chapter 6 **The guy who covered himself in honey and got stung 200 times** Now this chapter is about a man who was trying to have sex with a girl and was also an exhibitionist. He decided it would be fun to have his girlfriend lick honey off his genitals. This is one I actually saw on the way back to the bus from school. Apparently he wanted everyone to see this, and he got what he wanted. I missed the bus going home, but it was so worth it that I didn't care at all. I shouted free porn and a lot of people rushed up asking where. I pointed at the guy who was getting head, while he was high. Some students however who didn't like what they saw "accidentally" knocked over a beehive and broke the window to his dorm room. Of course moths go to flame like bees do to honey. He was stung everywhere but he got stung where it counts on a man. The screams were heard for miles around. I felt sorry for the guy when I saw him and when I heard him. He ran out of the dorm room and was screaming. Then he fell over and landed in the road, this is after he hit a stop sign. He swelled up and almost floated away .Ha ha no seriously he had a lot of stings and he nearly died. The medics came around and again said hey Joe this is the 5th time this week this happened. They took the guy away and I laughed and said man what a goof. I then did the tushy dance with his girlfriend. No, that is not a metaphor for sex. I asked her if she wanted to do the tushy dance. So we do the tushy dance which is just dancing and bumping butts at random. I was celebrating another hallmark of human stupidity. After a minute, the guy yells will everyone stop doing the tushy dance and show some respect for the wounded. I ignored him and kept doing the tushy dance and bouncing off the walls. It was hilarious, everyone was hysterical with laughter. He came back and was fine just a little smarter and it smarted him I'm sure. I asked if he had learned his lesson. He claimed he had so I said I accomplished what I set out to do. Even though I had nothing to do with his "accident" .I still thought it would be funny to say that. So a week goes by and I see the guy again asking him how he's doing since the incident. He says he's doing fine for someone who nearly died of bee stings. It turns out he decided to graduate to other forms of stupidity. He went around campus starting food fights, which was hilarious. He threw a pizza pie in a Professor's face once, which didn't get him in trouble, the professor threw it back at him, along with a bowl filled with pudding. They both hit the fool, who claimed it was tasty. Right, pudding covered pizza is the first thing I want to be tasting. In any case, this caused the student to throw more at the professor, who ducked and the guy hit his colleague, who dumped a glass of milk down the other professor's pants. The bee guy just laughed until a banana hit him in the face. It was great. So then me and Dave walk into the cafeteria, and by this time all hell has broken loose. Everyone is throwing food, professors, students, workers, and management. I go in there, grab a tray full of food, and chuck it into the crowd. Of course, I duck for cover right after I do that. Dave does too, after throwing a biscuit at someone. Dave then grabs a tray makes a goofy grin, laughs coming up, and gets nailed by a slice of cake full on in the face . Of course, this is too funny and I am on the floor at this point. Dave tells me to shut up and smashes some cake in my face for making fun of him. So I do the same thing he did trying to fight back in the food battle and get nailed by a butterscotch pudding all over my pants. I get pissed, grab a bowl of pasta and fling pasta complete with sauce in their face. This is too much for them and they break down crying. Seeing this everyone turns on them, soon its everyone against one crybaby, which is ironic since it's the same guy who started everything. At this point, I don't really care as I have left the food fight as did Dave. We leave the idiots to themselves and laugh at them on the way out. The next few days we look for the idiot who started the food fight, but later we find that he got expelled for burning the professor with the pizza, and was actually being prosecuted for his actions. Nah just kidding, but he did get expelled and had to go to BCC, it was sad. I asked him to keep in touch with me for research purposes and he did. He asked what kind of research I was doing, I told him it wasn't academic, it was purely for fun and profit, which it is. He says sounds good to me, and left. Of course I then follow up calling him to see if he has seen or done anything stupid over at BCC. He says he tried to play April fools jokes, but they were lame. He ran around the student apartments yelling fire, fire! At midnight, then splashed some poor guy in the face with what he thought was water. It turned out that it was in fact filled with beer. It might still put out the fire, but unless it was a real fire, that is a party foul, wasting good alcohol. So he goes on about that, that it was a fraternity pledging thing, him playing a good April Fool's prank. It barely worked for him. He got into some frat group, but it turned out they were pranking him. Frat groups don't form on community colleges they told him, and spilled beer on him then they left. I felt bad for him, but I remembered he's a fool. Eventually he goes back to FAU and graduates with honors because his G.P.A. at Beer Can College was so high that his foolery at FAU didn't bring it below a 4.0. I nearly died of shock on hearing that. He did too. **CHAPTER 7** Next some old woman drops her dentures in the dookie and mugs it up! That's right an elderly woman kisses some guy with fake crap stained teeth. The morons are the woman and also anyone she catches with her dentures. I actually saw this one in person, it was hilarious. Me and Dave were on the train and some woman who was 85 if she was a day, drops her teeth and gums in the flusher. She comes out and announces her teeth and gums are stained. I swear she started kissing people. I almost got it but thank God for my ability to duck and cover. Also, Dave warned me she was headed straight for me. I pulled some poor fool in my way so he got a full lip lock. Ugh. Better him than me though. Aren't human shields great? Haha, unfortunately she did get Dave, one half of the self- proclaimed idiot police. Someone used him as a human shield. Poor Dave had to drink vodka till he puked to get the taste out. In sympathy, I took a bottle of Jack Daniels bourbon and chugged until I also puked. I actually hate alcohol with a passion, but for a friend I would drink. So she's going around acting like a fool, laughing about how many guys she kissed. All I see are people getting the hell out of her way. It was hilarious. She sneak kissed about 20 men. Of course, I laughed at most of the fools who got it, but felt sorry for Dave. So then he gets over it and laughs too as he watches her wander the train kissing people. She kissed a few women by mistake, which even she thought was gross. Of course, everyone said eww gross that old woman just kissed me and her breath smells like it is covered in shit. I gently inform them that her dentures were covered in the stuff . So then the fools who got kissed decided to try to stop her from claiming any more victims. It doesn't work as she is fast for an 80 something year old person. Eventually she stops when she realizes she missed her stop due to her insane desire to mug it up after the dentures were soiled. Of course she flips out. Then me and Dave get off at Boca station, and she follows us saying I have my eye on you Dave. Apparently she liked kissing him the most. She gets back on and tries to kiss the conductor of the train. He is then tempted to throw her onto the tracks like the rest of us were. Instead he bursts into laughter, pulling some other poor soul in the path of those foul choppers. The guy almost dies of disgust and promptly looks around for some beer to clean his mouth with. I've got the only one left, and I wander into school high as a fucking kite, oh wait I mean drunk as a skunk. I do that more often the more I hang with Dave, bad influence I guess. It is his fault for getting kissed, and my feeling sorry for the guy haha. Again, I get away scot free for being wasted in FAU classes. I then go off to raise hell on my way home. By then I sober up some and run into Dave who wants to laugh about what happened. Of course, he caught it all (except for his passionate embrace with the stain lady) on tape for the whole world to see. Of course we planned to broadcast it on FAU resources since it would be amusing. We later decided that making money off of this would be better and we will sell copies of this after the book. What do you think, is fools a good name? I might edit it to get Dave's lips pressed against the stain lady haha. Nah, I couldn't do that to him, that would be embarrassing. I go back and we see the lady waiting for the train, of course, Dave runs like hell, I don't blame him. I would run too, wait actually I did, I like having my breath clean, haha. We run to a dead end, and in desperation I sacrifice Dave to save myself from the horror. Well she just busts out laughing and we run past her. She tries to corner Dave and for a second I think man she's going to get him again, but then I go back and say if you want him you're going have to go through me first. Of course, she took the challenge but then she got very sick feeling. I, of course, asked if she was ok. Dave just ran away. I called the ambulance from my cell phone, feeling sorry for her. It turned out she became ill from her dentures being crud infested. So she goes to the hospital and they give her drugs to fight her infection. Of course I go to visit her when she can have visitors. She waves at Dave saying hello handsome winking and waving. I make fun of him doing the same thing. He throws up after she does that. The next day..... (drum roll please)she was at it again. Dave and I ran like hell on seeing her. I shouted I'm too young and handsome to get kissed by her, Help! Of course the Tri Rail officers saw her and said oh no not again, that's the fifth time this month. Gee whiz these oldsters think that they are pop stars or something. They think they're Mick Jagger. So I laugh and Dave decides to get in a mischievous mood, we pull her pants down I say goodness Dave did you have to do that? I did it too! She stops trying to claim victims and fixes her pants. Unfortunately Dave's interference cause them to rip. Oh the humanity, of course she was wearing granny panties. Of course Dave wishes he had shown some more wisdom for once. So do a lot of the passengers. Dave almost wound up getting arrested for indecent exposure of an old woman, but I told the officers it was the lesser of two evils. They let Dave go and hand the old woman her pants. So then she stops trying to claim victims and the on hand police take her to jail. Of course Dave is really a hero this time for stopping her as I am, but we made fun of the fools she locked lips with first, then her for being arrested. Me and Dave went out to celebrate our triumph over fools again. We officially declare war against idiocy at the end of the book. At this point we just went out to have a good time. Dave grabbed a waitresses butt at Denny's , and she enjoyed it because he was a local hero. He got carried away by women by the end of the night, as did I because Dave told them I had a hand (literally) in the ending of that old woman's idiocy. Of course, I'm wondering why the hell they care, but I don't complain as I get carried away. People chant hip hip hooray three fucking cheers for the pantsing boys as they call us. So we drink a few on the house, which for some reason Dave tries to climb on top of the bar. I ask him why he's doing that and he said the drinks are on the house, to which I say that means their free. Of course he is halfway up the ladder by the time I tell him so he looks kind of stupid but I have done the same thing the year before. In any case, the celebration lasts until 4 am and then Dave drives me back home with the girl I chose to go home with. I was living in the dorms at FAU at the time so I got a lot of girls back then. I was a bit wasted but I didn't do anything I would regret the next day. I did have drunken sex with a girl who looked like she could stop traffic with her teeth, haha no she was cute. Dave left with two of them, he was howling the whole way home. He also made me wait till I was out of his car before starting. He said don't do that in my car.... while I can see it, you can have the keys when I am not seeing it he said. In any case, the next day Dave and I see her trying to kiss people again, I ask her why (from a distance) she keeps this foolery up. No answer comes at first, so she tries to kiss me again and I try to pull Dave up as a shield, he isn't paying attention and gets a good one from her. He flails about, thinking oh I'm going to puke. I hand him the booze and he throws it at me, which I don't blame him for. I thought it would be a funny prank, but he is ready to kill me when she does it again. He throws up and I pour booze on him to wake him up when he passes out. I was in a pranking mood that day. I apologize to him and then he pantses me so the lady can get me or I can go pants less I choose not to pull them up and the woman ends up mugging it up with a Tri-Rail guard. Finally, I do the only humane thing I can and that is take her choppers and fling them far away from the train while it's moving. Unfortunately, she happened to want to go along with them. I waved them over the top edge (note there is a 16 foot drop from the top of the train) and I held them over the edge where she was flailing for them. Of course I chuck the choppers after she over reaches and shouts TEETH! Of course she lands wrong and her teeth end up biting her in the butt. She also ends up breaking several bones, including her funny bone. The paramedics have to come pick her up and then I tell them the story about her. They pick up her and bring her to a Boca Raton hospital. Of course they crack up when they see how many people she kissed. She has not since then made a pass at a single man since shouting TEETH! Chapter 8 Next, I swear its true a guy sat in pasta. In my last month of school, I was wandering around, and decided to get something for lunch at the FAU cafeteria. I happen to see a guy's friends pranking him by putting a plate of pasta (spaghetti if you were wondering) right in his seat. He was talking to a girl when they do this. It's the perfect time to prank him. He sits down, Bam! pasta sauce and some noodles are all over his pants. It was heavy on the sauce too. He got up, he was mad as hell, and started cussing at his friends for about 5 minutes before storming out of the building. So naturally he doesn't see it and I crack up laughing when he makes the most priceless face a person could make. I point, laugh and call the guy a buffoon for falling for that. Then I call up Dave and tell him what I just saw. He was the prankster among his friends, so they decided to get him back. They got him good. Me and Dave decided he deserved the you got pranked award, which consisted of me and Dave sitting around and laughing at him, oh and putting him in the book. So anyways, I finish telling Dave what a maroon the guy is and I give him the play by play. The guy walks in, talks to a girl, his friends sneak pasta into his seat and Wham he's got it all over his pants. The next day, somehow he manages to spill it on the front side. I see him again, and this time I'm trying not to laugh at him, but I can't help it. Apparently for a prank king he's rather clumsy. I asked him how he managed this, and he said well I just slipped on a banana peel and it landed on my pants, don't tell anyone he says. I tell him I won't while crossing my fingers. I put it on the school P.A. system. They ask who is this goof, and I say Jack Frasier who, by the way, is single ladies. If you like guys who can't keep food off their clothes he's for you. Two days later I decide to prank him. I call his dorm room saying he just won the lottery. Well this fucker decides to drop out of school and smoke dope all day. He says he's going to do drugs. And he does. Eventually he realizes his mistake and flips out. This is funny because I tried to tell him after that he had been pranked. Come on, I had called as the mayor of Alabama. I mean I was still in Florida when I did this. He did not realize something was wrong then. And why would the mayor of Alabama call a Floridian about the lottery, and which city in Alabama would they call from? He didn't catch that governors run states not mayors. He finally went back to school and is part of the next section, which is why he is a true buffoon. He skipped out on his finals due to the prank I played. I felt bad, but come on he should have checked this out before dropping out of college. Apparently he decided he hates college and wants to flunk it. I don't blame him, college was waste of time. Eventually he forgets about all of this, but I decide to prank him and he sits in pasta again, much to the amusement of his friends who me and Dave joined up with Then there was a guy who went on a date auction and no one bid on him. He made Napoleon Dynamite look like the prom king. In fact some guy went on the same stage pretending to be Napoleon Dynamite and they almost did crown him prom king, because of the write in votes. Seriously, he went in with torn pants that sagged so much his butt crack showed, he was bald, scrawny looking, and really short. He flunked out of college because of his drinking and partying. Actually my mistake, one woman did bid on him, and she bid a lot of money too, she bid ten thousand on him. I shouted fucking fools when she did that. She was a fine looking chick too. I always wanted to join one of those auctions, but I always thought I would be the fool no one would bid on, oh well. Chapter 9 Next a professor drops his pants in a lecture by mistake. Unfortunately for Dave, he saw it firsthand. Apparently the guy forgot his belt that day. The guy slipped while explaining some math formula and when he got up his pants came crashing down. Oh the humanity. Poor Dave caught a glimpse of the guy's boxers by accident. Of course he had to dismiss the class after an incident like that. Girls were screaming, guys were like oh man this guy is an idiot. So then Dave decides to take a picture of the fool, who will be shown in the next book, more fools. I laugh at the guy even though he's not there when I hear of it. The guy was disciplined about the incident, but not fired since he had tenure, In fact he was a professor there for forty years and he did this. The guy had snow on the roof and was doing pranks like this. It later was determined he was in fact doing a prank. He did it on purpose. He wanted to make his students pay attention and this is how he accomplished it. He got what he wanted all right. No one even looked away for fear of this guy dropping his drawers again. Some people almost wound up suing the university over the incident, but thankfully they didn't. I would hate to have seen my school closed down over this idiot. People started pranking him over it though. One guy put a whoopee cushion in his seat. One put fake dog poop on the stage he walked around on. He slipped on it and did it again, although this one was an accident. The class then started throwing rotten fruit and vegetable at the guy who started the pranks. In fact, he was lucky to get out of there before the class beat the holy hell out of him. Dave actually called for the group to string him up I was appalled to hear this. Dave was of course, only joking, he was laughing his butt off when he said that, but the students beat the crap out of the guy and tied him to a pole for the birds to peck at. Eventually, someone came to help him, but by then he missed the bus home and the professor came by again and flashed him haha just kidding. Seriously he was there a long time. It wasn't a pretty sight. The students stripped him and then threw rotten fruit at him like he was a bad actor. That really sucked for him since he was a theatre major. It was in the FAU news, and the Boca news, that a theatre major had been rotten fruited. Of course, his performances went bad and his professors flunked him. He became the laughing stock of the school. It was a sad day for him. It was a good day for me and Dave though, and we help the poor guy get reinstated and help his professors understand it wasn't his fault and they pass him, with A's. Sometimes we do good deeds for the poor fools who are unlucky enough to be discovered by our star search haha. The next day rolls around and the guy is on the flag pole with his underwear on his head. We investigate by asking why he was like this. He says he went to the classroom and pulled down his pants in front of 200 or more students. I asked why in the h e double hockey sticks he would do this? (literally in those words) He says he was dared to do it. I couldn't believe the guy had the stones to go that far. I try to help him down, but Dave knew how to work the pole better than I did wink wink. His underwear were on the flagpole last year so that's why. So he says he was also high when he did it, because his favorite hero, appeared to him while high and said go for it man you are so cool if you do. So being a huge fan of the towel, he does it, he exposes the sun and the full moon. And it was a full moon , believe me, the guy looked like he weighed about 300 lbs, whatever was holding him to the flagpole was like Superman. Me and Dave had quite the time trying to help him down. It was hard and he fell on me. Oh the horror. It turned out this guy wanted to be a college professor like the fool who dropped his pants, so we pantsed him on stage at Wackadoos. We wanted him to realize that you shouldn't be a fool. You know what happens to them. After we did that, we saw another professor do the same thing, while lecturing in the Wackadoos cafeteria. Oh wait, that wasn't a professor it was a student who had a name tag that said Dr. Allen Wrench. He decided it would be a good idea to imitate the previous moron. These guys really need to start wearing belts. Of course, Dave just happened to have a bullhorn on him, but I was arguing with him over who got to use it. Dave eventually made the announcements, sadly enough. So he said this fool who pretends to be a doctor, actually dropped his pants and passed gas. It turned out the guy was impersonating the real Dr. Allen Wrench and committing fraud with his credit cards, cash, and other things. He was doing his job, while the man was on vacation. Of course, the fake gets hauled away after his real id falls out of his pocket. It's Jason Figtree. Me and Dave certify on bullhorn that this man is not who he claims to be, get him people. He, of course, ends up being hauled away by FAU police and the guy gets 10 years for pretending to be a doctor. Of course, Dave and I celebrate by doing a cover band concert based on Super Mario Brothers 1 2 and 3. He (Dave) went as Luigi, I went as Mario, The suitcase guy went as Toad, and some random chick from the crowd decided to be the Princess Peach. Of course, the random girl sings, Toad plays bass, Dave drums, and I play sing and guitar. The concert was a huge success and I party my ass off until 2 am (after all it was a school night ) so I was home early for exams. Chapter 10 Students who skip on 30% of their grade. I noticed that in my History of Civilization class, many students decided not to take their final exams. I couldn't believe it as this is 30% of their final grade in the class. So naturally they failed or came very close. I took mine and got an A on the exam and a B in the course. I figured they all got an F for the course, since if someone had 100 it was then a 70. I could understand if they were close and they would fail anyways, but some were normally good students. I then became tempted to rubber stamp them with the word idiot or moron. Some went from barely holding a B to flunking. I called Dave to tell him about this and he says score, your ability to find human idiocy never ceases to amaze me Joe. We then drove to a club to celebrate as my book would be a huge success he said. So we were at the club and we see some of these idiots, and we sing Somebody Told Me at the guys while pointing on beat with the song. The next day I found out that nearly half the class had failed because of the final exam. I couldn't believe it and told Dave how severe it was. He said they're a bunch of boobs what do you expect? I agreed yeah they're boobs so forget them. The next day, I find out from Dave that in his classes that many more people had done the exact same thing. I was like oh is that all. Damn people are such&*&^%% idiots. Especially &%$#@! college students I said. So then I find out that one of my professors thought I had done it. I tell him no I didn't skip these buffoons might have but I didn't. So then one of the skippers gets his foot stuck in a garbage can and knocks all the papers over .The professor then kicks him out of the classroom giving him an F. The professor calls the guy a fool, along with everyone else who skipped. I laugh at him. Of course, the professor realizes that I didn't skip and I got an A. Of course, this isn't the end of the chapter, many of the idiots tried to hack into the school computer to change their grades. I watched this and captured their idiocy on tape and showed the professors, hey why should I work hard and get an A while these guys cheat? So these imbeciles are thrown out of the university for cheating. Dave and I are cheered as heroes, not for getting them thrown out, but for exposing idiocy. This ends up proving stupidity is in fact a crime. Or is it crimes involve the stupid? Maybe it's both, but anyways I get to be the school hero because these idiots are expelled. We get quoted in the newspaper even, saying these people are idiots. Dave says come on these guys are idiots. I say these guys are such fools. They try to retaliate against us, but we beat them down with the help of quite a number of students who didn't like these guys anyways. Then we leave until the next bout of idiocy showed up. Me and Dave are the stupid police, if you are acting like an idiot you will be caught and sentenced to being made fun of by us and anyone else who wants to laugh at you. Trust me, the stupid police are looking for you too so don't think you can escape the long arm of the law. Haha well they all proved as I have said before, stupidity is in fact, a crime. If you're found guilty, you will be sentenced to be a moron for 5 years hard time. If you plead guilty and throw yourself at the mercy of Judge Joe or Judge Dave, you might get off easy. Maybe you'll get 2 years probation as an idiot. Anyways, the next day the bunch of fools tried to retake the exams, but the professors wouldn't let them. Of course, they are none too happy about this and decide to try to appeal, but there is no appealing your own stupid actions. I saw them try, but get denied like those guys get denied by the ladies haha. Mostly these fools get denied by the girls because they're too stupid to get dates. To end this part of the chapter, I go off to them after they get denied and state, You're all fools! I go off on a rant about how stupid they are in simplest terms too, so they can see how dumb they are. Of course, they're college students so they don't get it. I just throw my hands up in disgust and shout IDIOTS! Until the next time, that is all for them. Chapter 11 What are you looking at, oh nothing. When I went to FAU, one day Dave told me one of the Bank Atlantic tellers was a pedophile. I couldn't believe it until I saw it. One of the guys,who shall remain nameless until caught and found guilty in a courtroom, was staring at a young boys...... penis. When I walked in I said hey what are you looking at, and he says oh nothing. Apparently he has been staring at adults for sometime as well, but this was just plain stupid. So the kid's dad finds out and tells him to cut it out .The guy doesn't cut it out. He keeps looking at other guys. In fact, he now looks at senior citizens in the showers. Dave also told me when he was younger he'd look at what he calls wheeooo wheeooo our own slang for penis. He looked at wheeoo wheeoo... and he got caught too by his friend who asked what are you looking at, oh nothing he says. Of course, his friend doesn't believe him and gets mad at him. This is before he realizes he shouldn't be doing this, so he's not gay. Dave and I laughed so much over wheeoo wheeoo. Maybe this bank guy should be in the pervert section too. As it is the guy is still checking out old men's wheeoo wheeoo. Haha, well maybe an old man will hit him with his cane. Maybe an old guy will want more than for him to look, who knows. Then again, the next day, it turns out he is looking at the kid again. His dad finds out and goes to kick the guy's butt, until he meets the guy in the bathroom and the bank guy explains. The father then listens for about 5 sec (he sees the guy in a hef robe holding a bottle of wine and gets drunk) they then get wasted together, and have drunken sex in the bathroom on the floor. They wake up after passing out drunk and the bank guy gets fired. Of course, his wife finds out he had a gay affair and divorces him. Of course this leads to more drinking and more gay sex, which gets the man's son all confused about him having two guys raise him, as well as his mother. Way to go Juan and Jack (Juan is the bank guy Jack is the boy's father.) The bank guy eventually convinces the kid's father that being gay is the right way for him. He eventually just accepts it and goes to gay clubs to check out guys while his lover is at work. Then the guy starts copying the perverted bank guy and one day realizes hey wait what am I doing? I am following that sick pervert's ways, and leaves. He eventually reconciles with his wife and everything goes back to normal. The bank guy gets arrested because the cops set up a decoy, and he is caught. So they take him to court and he pleads not guilty, because he didn't want to admit such a thing in public. I don't blame him. I mean who wants to say I am a pervert I look at child's sex organs? Well it didn't go as planned. In fact as part of his sentence when he was convicted, he had to admit that he was in fact guilty as charged and he got 15 years in jail, proving he did it. They would have given him counseling if he just said that he was guilty. Finally, the last pervert to go in my book is an old man named Fred. He is about 75 years old (or young) he says. I last saw him trying to grab a gorgeous blonde woman's boobs. She didn't put up with that very well, but realized he's old so he's going to die soon anyways. I heard he died with those boobs in one hand, and a beer in the other. He was quite entertaining, but such a perverted old man. I mean he had to be with over a thousand women in his heyday. I heard some male college students bought him hookers once a month just to see the reaction from hookers when the old guy showed up. The hookers were understandably grossed out, until they see he's got a lot of experience and money, and also Viagra. It is estimated he was with over 200 hookers, many of whom were prank calls by the college guys. He lived his final days like a rock star. I went to the old guy's funeral and said well he's chasing women in that great whorehouse in the sky, or the other place. The other place is more likely, but I like to think God has a sense of humor and novelty. So the next day I find Fred's granddaughter on Fred's phone playing prank calls to NASA. She and a friend were leading a double life, good students who lived for the church lifestyle by the sight of others. However, when no one was watching, they listened to loud rock music, smoked all kinds of drugs, had sex with literally anyone with enough balls or desire to do so, and pranked certain places. They called the Boca News and went live on the air pretending to be the mayor of Boca Raton. It was great. They totally believed her and she told them that the Hurricane Wilma was coming straight for Boca, which she didn't know was true. People flipped out everywhere (people in groups are the stupidest of all) Then it happens, and people think she's a psychic. I, of course, know she's just screwing around like she was screwing around in bed with me and her girlfriends haha. Well my next book is also going to be fools part two and also about how to get a date with any girl you want despite being ugly, loser like, out of shape, stupid, lazy, and broke. It is true you can, and it'll be proven. I mean I can do it so anyone can. You can't without the book so buy it haha. Nah, I will prove anyone can do it. In any case, she continues blasting loud rock music from her car drinking and driving (which is serious don't do things like that or you'll spill more than your beer, that by the way is a stupid slogan.) She also smokes and flies every morning it seemed. So one day she smokes and flies to the point of winding up in the pool nearly drowning. Her roommates pull her out and have to decide to let her die or give her CPR (they were girls) Of course, Dave (lucky bastard) happens to be on the scene, and later on the air. He gives her CPR and she comes to and insists he give her the Heimlich too, while naked. I just say thank God I wasn't there and I'm glad you had a good time Dave, who was rolling on the floor laughing. Chapter 12 Two guys cause a riot at KFC. Two guys walk into KFC and order some food. They are surrounded by people as it's a busy day there. Well apparently they are lovers, and they were making out there. The people start puking on the floors, throwing food at the guys, spilling their drinks and saying oh my god. In their surprise, they wind up wrecking the place. All of the rioting people were given the idiot stamp by Dave. I just sat back and laughed, until I realized this was caused by prejudice which was alive in 2005 and still is today unfortunately. I then watched the riot and felt bad for the two men who were then run out of the restaurant. People started throwing chicken and biscuits at them, some mashed potatoes too. They tried to lock them in the stocks, but the town didn't have them anymore. They eventually became hooligans at FAU much in the way me and Dave had become hooligans at FAU. Haha just kidding me and Dave were hooligans in a much different way than these guys. They tried making this book, but instead became part of this book. A few weeks later these guys started harassing Dave! They wanted him to become.... gay! Well obviously Dave wasn't having any of this. They asked him to be part of a 3 way. I laughed because he was just so embarrassed. The worst is Dave claimed these dudes tried to follow him home. It was awful. He says it's not safe to eat anywhere so I'm gonna get my food and go to H-O-M-E and spelled it out for the illiterate. He says for those of you who can't read that's home. Many of the college students tried, but could not follow his logic. The students tried again and again. Finally, he said damn it you guys, how did you get into college? He eventually shouted you guys are all FOOLS! The gay guys followed him there too. Dave claims he also dropped his key someplace. Uh oh this is bad. We used to pretend to be news people, and make fun of the hooligans for bothering Dave, and being a nuisance to other people. The news stories always ended badly for those guys. They deserved it since they were morons. I didn't care that they were gay and neither did Dave. I mean no one here has hate for the gay, just the stupid. Actually I don't hate the stupid they are just annoying in a few cases. Mostly they're funny. Dave was usually just a guy off the street telling what he saw. Sometimes he was the reporter, but this was rare. Eventually ,the two guys realized Dave is not gay in the least, Dave actually had about 20 different girlfriends in his last year at FAU. Sure Dave, we believe you haha. Seriously, the two guys eventually broke up too, one started dating lots of girls, and married a gorgeous one. The other got his pants caught in a lawn mower and died, haha just kidding. He became a bartender in downtown Boca and frequented KFC. He put a sign up that said when not to go to KFC. Good for them. I

say they both ended up happy, and leaving my friend alone. I should have called this chapter when not to go to KFC. Seriously I saw these two at it again prior to their happy ending. The one who became a playboy was called Robert. The other was called Ernest. Well these two had one last adventure. They had sex in the KFC food. Oh what a mess they made. Fried chicken be damned, there were pieces of it all over the place. Another riot occurred, but this was a full on war against the two. Mashed potatoes were everywhere and corn was flung at them. The mayor was up in arms, and they were out of control. Of course, the Health Department had to close the place down and they were fired. Robert and Ernest worked at KFC it turned out, and they hated it, so they decided to make it more interesting. Of course, without jobs they soon lost their apartment and ended up as hobos. Bert became a drunk for a while and Ernie started doing weed. Eventually, the two realized they were fools. So then they calm down and become normal guys, sort of. I forgot to mention that they find Dave's key and follow him around. He noticed and thought Good God they're stalking me again. So they go to his H-O-M-E and enter it. He says damn it a guy is not safe from these homos even at H-O-M-E. Again for the illiterate that's HOME, haha. Most of the college students didn't get that, so he spelled it again and pronounced it at the interview. Of course, when they broke in he said damn it guys, what do you idiots want. He almost kicked their asses at that point. I didn't blame him, he says I don't care that you're gay fine be gay. Don't break in and enter other people's houses, of course he is shouting this, but who wouldn't. I mean I would be pissed if 2 guys broke into my home, even if it was just to hang out, but these guys wanted sex from a guy who they knew was a lady lover. Dave orders them out and threatens to do serious damage to their faces if they don't leave and never come back. I thought damn Dave is pissed. But again these two idiots kept bugging him. So they leave and go bother me. I say don't even try I have a girlfriend. I am going to get married to her. I do not cheat with men or women, so do not waste your breath. I then leave Dave's place laughing because they're such idiots. I didn't have a girlfriend at the time, but they didn't know that. The next day I find out that they were bugging Dave at school. Of course, I have had enough of their tomfoolery. I tell them that they need to stop bothering people. They aren't too happy, and Dave warns me to get away from those guys or you'll end up like being an idiot. So I tell them to go to college so they can stop being idiots. Dave flips out and says damn it all (the last chapter is on that). Unfortunately, they end up being college students at FAU and they graduate with degrees in being fools, haha just kidding. Bert becomes an engineering major and gets a great construction job. Ernest decides to be a personal trainer and flunks out of college at first, but he eventually is given a second chance. Bert supports him, so he can get his grades up to a 2.0 and pass. In any case, they're so focused on their own buffoonery that they stop bugging Dave. So we celebrate by going to a strip club. Dave goes in and spends his father's money on strippers. I see a guy blow a hundred bucks on drinks. Dave blew five thousand on strippers he said. I asked him where the hell he got five thousand just to screw around with. He claimed his father gave it to him for a birthday gift. This was amazing since he wasn't due a birthday for three more months. He finally admits he robbed some drunk people who were having sex with each other on the stripping stage. They were two extremely hammered men who were having a bad night trying to pick up chicks. Hey things were looking blue for me and Dave, but we just kept trying. Dave left with a girl who was throwing money at the stage and stuffing it into the stripper's panties. She sang I'm in love with a stripper. She had purple hair and liked Dave's Apu impresssion. Her name was Anya she was about 5'5 weight 115. I left with a girl who had gothic red hair. Her name was Lisa, and she was loving the fact I was writing this book. She came with Anya and left with me and Dave. Dave was like hahahahahaha Joe, we're gonna score when the girls were right next to us. Of course he almost loses us the girls, but I wind up saving our chances. I tell them he meant in the book, we were going to score big. Of course, they fall for it and we score big outside the book too, if you get what I mean. Well we had a great night, unlike most of the fools who wasted money and blew a thousand bucks on playboy calls that night. Yeah before me Dave and the girls left for the night, I saw some idiot throws two grand away on a phone call to Playboy. He was on the phone for the whole day he said. Well that takes the cake, Dave decides to cut the call short and I mean literally cut the call. He cuts the phone wire and runs like hell. I take off too but almost forget the girl I leave with. We all celebrate the night going well with some KFC. Dave of course lets me go through the drive through window, as we don't want any drama tonight. Of course, we end up with way too much food for us to eat and end up donating the excesses to some guy who was living in a trash can. The guy claimed he lived in a trash can because his hero on television, some green idiot on a kids show did. I couldn't believe this, and called for the men in white coats to pick this guy up. Of course he was pissed, but eventually he went back to normal because they determined a man is not crazy just because he lives in a garbage can. However, he could be arrested for it, which he was. He got a life sentence too because he was convicted of all sorts of things. He had warrants for living in trash cans in all of the United States. No seriously, he had a long rap sheet, it was longer than your leg. Of course me and Dave hear about this and wonder what our country is coming to when a man is given a life sentence for living in a garbage can. The next day we go back to KFC and the two guys who were bugging Dave were eating there not causing a scene at all. Then I noticed both had girlfriends so they were double dating. I was in shock and awe, and asked them if they were the same guys who were bothering Dave earlier that week. They said yes and we sat down and had a friendly meal together. Chapter 13 The next chapter is..... Fools I just decided to lump an assorted bunch of stupidness into the next chapter. My friend Dave and I noticed that the man with the suitcase had in fact done it again, but by now we were used to his stupidity. However, what we weren't used to was the fact that he slipped and almost fell into the gutter/ He slipped on a banana peel someone thought it would be funny to watch someone slip on. Apparently they hoped to hit pay dirt by cracking some homeless bums head opened. They almost got them. It seems the suitcase man has had his run of bad luck. He lost his job because of the suitcase incident getting to the office, his wife left him saying John you're such an idiot and he almost lost his house. Well I promptly called him a fool for letting people know of his stupidity. Then I went to hang out with Bret and one of his friends. On New Year's Eve 2004, his friend Joe (not me) comes to hang out with him high as a kite. That's bad but not the worst he did that night. He then while I'm warning him not to do it, sticks his hand in the oven. He doesn't yell, he just puts his hand under some water. What a fool. He then proceeds to try to play Bret's guitar, but cant and proceeds to try to ruin the guitar. Bret comes in and almost beats the hell out of Joe. I just stand back and laugh as this is a hilarious scene of idiocy. He and Joe go at it and I watch eating a pop tart and listening to music. It was great to see such great friends getting along so well. It was a great night, but eventually it had to end, well at least I had to go home, so I jog and then after a major distraction, I catch a bus. Next, is a scene I never thought I would see. A guy was pissing in a public place. He pissed on a cop by mistake. It was a big mistake. He tried to run, but could not because he tripped over the police cruiser which he had been keying while the cop was stuffing his face with donuts. The cop caught him, and beat the hell out of him for resisting arrest. Nah, just kidding, he did sit on the guy which was worse than if he had actually beaten the hell out of him, this police officer was 300lbs or more. By the way, this happened while I was on my way home from the New Year's party at Bret's place. After seeing this I throw a pop tart at the offending person. The cop cuts the cheese, I catch a whiff while I 'm on the bus back to my house and it's not pretty. I go home and recap the night's events and laugh my butt off. I call Dave the next day to tell him what happened, and he almost dies laughing. Another fool was a guy who got off on the wrong bus and ended up fifty miles away from where he needed to go. Some poor sap wanted to go to the Coral Square Mall and ended up in Boca Raton. He had to take the number 2 bus and took the 34, which I was on going to school. He just followed me without a word, assuming I was skipping school to go hang out with friends. I was a little weirded out by this, but I said no big deal when he told me. He ended up trying to take a cab there from Boca, which cost a lot of money. He didn't have it either, so then the driver tried to beat it out of him. He ran away and then went in the mall. It turned out he was trying to meet a fourteen year old girl there for sex. Of course, it was mall security that was setting up a sting for him, and of course they caught the idiot. He tried to run and they caught him. He got life. I was there at his trial too, when the judge slammed the gavel, me and Dave went to celebrate. As it was, we raised hell in the courtroom. The man tried to get me to represent him. I refused saying he couldn't pay for a cab, let alone my legal services, which mind you I do not have a law degree I actually stamped the word idiot on his head while he was being led away. I had asked the judge for permission for this one. The judge handed me his own personal marker and stamp to do this. Bret will be occurring several times in this book, he's my favorite fool. Nah he's not a fool, but he's funny. His current run of foolishness includes being a paperboy. Haha I think he should have been a farmer instead. It pays better and probably would get him free food. He would have stunk like a horse, however and would be getting higher than a kite if he took that job, which would end in him getting fired. Oh well he's seriously considering doing that for the moment. I think he should, I mean he's already part horse haha just kidding Bret. Seriously he'd make a good farmer. However, he would make a better pirate than anything else. He loves booze, babes, and booty. (the money booty not the sexual type) Well actually, he likes both. Actually any guy would make a good pirate if they can stand the alcohol, personally I can't do it. As of late, I told him to go college so he can learn guitar, which he loves more than anything. I keep telling him to go to college, which eventually he might do, or he might end up being a buffoon, it depends on a lot of things. Then on my college graduation day, a friend of mine decides to show up at work about three and a half hours too late. I was amazed, and said what the heck dude, and he says I was high. Brian was always getting high it seemed. He was late a lot and eventually got written up for it. In fact, he may have been fired for it, but that got changed I think. So he asks if the boss is there, I tell him yes Monica is there, he looks worried and I leave somewhat amused, but also worried. I was hoping Brian wouldn't get fired, and indeed he wasn't for the time being. However, this genius has done this many times, and eventually I think it caught up to him. He's kind of bad with money and almost never works on time, what happens then? Well I am sure you can guess what happens next. One time he told me he was five hundred dollars in the hole. At least four hundred of that was on his cell phone. When he tells me this I crack up, then he cracks up. The night he told me that, he was wilding out and taking cash out of his account saying holy shit Joe I'm overdrawn. He seemed half in disbelief and also like he was giddy for it. I was laughing my ass off because this guy was so bad with money. It was horrible. I mean I try to be his friend and look what I let him do to himself. He had offered to buy something for me earlier too, which amused me. It was Halloween of last year when I was wandering the town with this poor fool. Nah just kidding Brian's not a fool, he just acts like one. So we keep walking and he decides he wants to run so that he won't be late getting home. So I say ok, since I used to be and still am, a great runner. He stops after about thirty seconds. I say dude what are you doing. I also point out that we could have taken the bus from the mall a lot earlier, but he insists on walking even though he was going to be late most likely. He said his uncle charges him for every minute after 11 he came in, which he was late by about 15 minutes that night, about the time where he gets locked out. He stopped to talk to a pair of girls and then some people at Panera Bread, he was just wilding out the whole night. Then when we were about 20 minutes away he decides to stop and take a rest. I told him to keep going, but he really needed the rest he said. So I say ok dude don't get locked out though and rest with him. He says something about the trees giving him soup, at this point I think he's a bit nuts, so later we pass by the library and sure enough he gets soup out of some bushes, apparently he stashed it there earlier. So he offers me some, and we think it would be cool to hang out in this construction site by the charter school in Coral Springs, but we don't do it because I think some stuff would fall on us or something. Brian almost gets us jumped by some gang members earlier that night. I say hey dude your going get us jumped .He says what I am telling him is nonsense, and then he sees the guys were as he says, rap people. They were not just rap people, they were gang members it appeared. He gets their attention and I think holy shit Brian we are going to die, as there were about a dozen guys and even my strength wasn't enough to handle that many people, despite what my friends might tell me. So I pull Brian away saying you know those are gang members right? He has the look of like oh man what have I gotten myself into. This was after we were going to the movies to check out girls. Of course he decided to go back to prove something, but it turns out I was right in not wanting to go back to the mall. So later on that week he and I meet up with Brittani (sp?) a gorgeous girl we met at the mall who I haven't seen in forever. She's awesome, but more on that some other time. We leave to hang out with her and her boyfriend, when I hear that Brian and I feel down. However, we go off to get fucking high and of course I feel a bit buzzed. Brian's acting like a total fool though. I said dude you're so gone. I was laughing, but not totally wasted. I always get away with stuff like that. I went home and no one noticed, although maybe that is because I act so stupid no one can tell something is really wrong with me. It is great being me. I could get baked at work and no one would know, or care because they can't tell. I would never do it though because I don't like that stuff. Drugs would make me more of a mental mess. I need my brain for when I am in college again. I'm going back for criminology most likely, since it is short and also useful if I go into police work. It would be funny, because I would probably not have to show up for school, which was a good thing for me. In any case, Brian went home toasted to the skin.. I felt pretty bad because I never wanted to smoke again. Chapter 14 **More Fools** Last night I remember more stupidity. My friend Bret was driving down the road one night and shouts Deer! He drives right into a ditch to avoid them. The worst part is he made his car scrap metal in doing this. He drives around in what used to be a good car. Of course I didn't have to call him a fool, he insults himself about his activities. So now he rides around in a car that resembles something out of a scrap yard. I hear he needs to have it fixed, but it isn't happening anytime soon. I wonder why he decided to shout deer at the top of his lungs when he swerved. Unfortunately, he hit a deer the next time he drove and shouted deer again. So he drags the deer to his place. He was tying the deer to his car with twine, which left the deer behind, and someone else hit it and probably shouted deer as well. Another incident involving drinking happened here in Mobile. Late at night, some guy was driving and swerved off the road, onto the sidewalk, and missing me by an inch. This is when I walked home from work at Subway. He hit a tree, but that didn't stop him. He backed up and drove right into a ditch too. He got out of the car and kept babbling "boobs" because he was drunk. The police were going to fish him out, but they said it would serve him right if we leave him there, but then they saw he was drunk and a danger to other people. So they hauled his stupid butt to the county jail. They then tested him for drugs and alcohol. He failed all the tests. He even tested positive for cocaine. So he's sitting in jail for now. Needless to say this man is a fool. I go down to the jail and laugh at him some more because I figured it was for the best. Next, I get called by one of my Florida friends named Fred. He's not the one who is doing stupid things here. He tells me about a woman he works with dancing about with a chicken head at random. She just stops working in the meat department in Publix and just prances with chicken parts. Now how much of a fool does one have to be to do something like that? If she were here, I would say haha what a fool. Actually, I would say it anyways. It was great, when Fred told me about this, yes I have idiocy spies everywhere. Then there was a guy running around the school with underwear on his head. I was surprised at that. It takes a lot to surprise me, so I investigated. Naturally he was a prime candidate for the Fool of the Year Award. He won out of all of the people who were listed in the book. Well he had the underwear on as a dare. The other part of the dare was to get drunk and try to have sex with a bear. Well they took him to the woods and he passed out. Well he came to, and his buddies drove off laughing. They knew there weren't any bears around, but the guy flipped when he remembered what he was there to do. Well they were wrong, a huge bear came along and strangely enough it wanted to mate. I never saw a man run so fast in all my life. He might have ran all the way back to campus. This was 5 miles away he said. He didn't win the dare, but at least he got out alive. He started hyperventilating when he realized just what he did. He wins the moron award hands down. Finally, there was a fool named James Mackey, my father. He was born, enough said. No seriously, he's a fool. Why you might ask, well he skipped on college to drive cabs, was divorced 2 times by the age of 29, and ignored his families. Yes families, he has a son by his first wife, who he left behind as well. In addition, he was a suspected pervert who went to strip clubs, which is one thing if you're single or even if your wife goes with you, but he went alone. He had a deputy sheriff hanging out of his cab window during a drug bust. I didn't find out about it until I was 18 years old. It was a sad day for me. Everyone makes mistakes however. Getting married is one , see I heard that parents set the ground on which we conceptualize romantic relationships. This just proves it, because I used to have a severe problem with everything like that. Then there was the time some fool got drunk and his drink got replace by vinegar and hot sauce. He thought he was drinking whiskey, but it turned out to be the awful mix. I mixed in the hot sauce, Dave did the vinegar. I felt pretty bad but we could have done worse. So I handed him the bottle and watched that motherfucker chug away. Oh and I think Dave might have peed in it, because he was drinking too much, and there was nowhere else to go. This happened about 3 months before my college graduation, which was August 12, 2005. Unfortunately, someone later ran off with his money. I tried to find out what happened. I couldn't help the guy. I also apologized for such a mean prank, but he said it was just a harmless prank. So then we go off drinking, and Dave tries to pick up women at the bar. I'm making some money passing as the bartender. I walk away with a thousand bucks that night, Dave walks away with a blonde on each arm and the drunken guy walks away broke and sick with the word moron stamped to his head. I randomly say balls for no reason. Then I say you have to have balls to do all that. The last fool in the list claimed to have gotten a massage from a hyperactive pepper who massaged salt into his skin. He called his best friend a chocolate shake (this was all his saying) for help, but the shake just laughed at him. This was around 3 am at a bar called Ozone in Coral Springs. I was partying my ass off with a gorgeous redhead as usual (although sometimes the girls are blonde or brunette) and this guy comes up . He was probably drunk but just to check sure I follow him till he sobers up. He insists the story was in fact true. I say he needs to get some rest in an attempt to save the guy's dignity. However, he keeps insisting and even elaborating. He claims that a can of mustard was filming the event, while a jar of pickles tried to seduce him. And a squirrel kept trying to bite his nuts. I obviously call for the funny farm guys to get him. I say they should start paying me for sending these guys to them. They take him away and I continue partying. I call Dave and tell him what happened. At some point in the night, he drops by to join the party at the club. I pass out there, but the bartender doesn't care since I got rid of the crazy guy who was scaring the customers. The next day I wake up and go off to school. (I wasn't drunk) I get to class early and meet Dave at about 8:30 am and have a laugh about the previous night. I mean what a buffoon a guy would have to be to make that up. It turns out later the guy was just extremely drunk so they let him go. I said oops and laughed more. A few weeks later I see some guy trying to kill bugs.... with a shotgun. The guy saw some flies and decided to start shooting at them. Of course, this guy was from the hill country and didn't know no better as he put it, when the cops came to take him away. So he tried to fight with the cops and bashed one over the head with his rifle. I say idiot now he's done it. He tries to drive away but the car won't run. By then the cops had put sugar in his tank, because they thought he would escape. A few of them try to turn the car over so that he has to come out. This works and they beat the guy like Rodney King. So then he is in the jail and he's still there I'm sure. It turns out he had way too much to drink so he winds up trying to escape again, He runs straight into a telephone pole and passes out, this was before the cops caught and beat him. So they do that and I go home from wherever I was hanging out at. Haha I forgot because the events were just so amusing that evening. So I go home and what do I see on the way there? The fool at the bar had escaped from the loony lounge, the funny farm etc. He tried again to convince me that he was massaged by a homicidal squirrel. I laugh at him and tell him to go home and sleep because he was drunker than a skunk. He does in fact, he lives next door to where I lived at the time, which was a spooky thought. The next day he gets up and has no memory of what happened the night before. At the club though he did pretty much the same thing. We decided to go together so I could see his foolery firsthand. In spite of his moronicness he got 3 girls to dance with him. I got four, he got pissed off and started a barroom brawl because of that. Finally, some suit wearing idiot, I think it was the suitcase guy (mentioned in the first chapter) waddled up to me and said guess what? I'm going to jail and sounded ecstatic about it. He was ecstatic about it, and it was a really nice suit, a Versace suit made in 2004. He went around making bets gambling on sports, buying rounds of drinks ,and handing out Cuban cigars. He wanted to give out high priced Cubans to everyone and I don't just mean cigars wink wink. Of course, I take him up on that and mess around with all the girls he pays for and I smoke the cigars too. So he goes off whooping it up and asks some random person in the street why he is so happy and the guy tells him you're having a baby ? The guy says no I'm going to jail! (note at this point he is quite drunk). His ex wife informs him after he is in the squad car that he is in fact having a baby. Yeah the cops let him have one last hurrah on the outside. He was acquited however of robbing the bank because the real robbers confessed. He got turned loose and had another party to celebrate his wife leaving the country. She however ended up getting the chair because she turned to crime in England. Haha just kidding, but she did leave for Europe, with annulment papers for her and her ex husband. He got the copy, signed it, and went back to partying his ass off. By the way he was 50 years old. Chapter 15 Perverts The next chapter is about perverts. The first incident happened in my senior year around November 2004. I happened to hear a story from some people in Boca that there was a pervert running around FAU exposing himself in the girl's locker rooms. So naturally me and Dave go to investigate this. After about 3 hours of waiting around I see some guy walking into the girls locker rooms and it is him, the pervert. So I see the campus security driving around and I say it is him the pervert. So I point and laugh and also shout pervert! He realizes what is going on. So they chase him, as do Dave and myself. The pervert is like oh s&*^% when he realizes we are all after him. So Dave and I both tackle the guy and campus security says they will handle it from there. One of the girls he was spying on comes up and kicks him in the nuts. So me and Dave point and laugh at him and then fight over the girl who kicked him in the nuts.... just kidding. Then I heard that there was a girl who was going around exposing herself too. So I set out to find out (its great material for the book). I find her and it turns out she's had too much to drink. She passed out in the university center where she was naked, so I happened to have a black marker and wrote Mouse was here on her tummy and drew a mustache and beard on her face. So then the cops come and I tell them she's with me and I'll take her home. I just leave her there after she's sober, which takes forever. Then I yell pervert in her ear just to mess with her. While she's still drunk she asks me for sex, I tell her no I like them sober, it was tempting , very much so though. She was gorgeous, but I won't tell much more about that haha. Well Dave sees this and he's roaring with laughter. So later I ask her to sleep with me when she's sober. She does, but I wound up being drunk because I was a bit nervous (I rarely did things like that). Finally, I see some guy who couldn't hold his liquor at a frat party on school campus piss his pants and run around announcing it to everyone. He went around shouting hey everyone I just pissed my freaking pants, want to see? Of course, a ton of women are going eww in the background and the guys including myself are like look at that crazy fucker. I of course decide to certify that indeed he has pissed his pants, over the P.A.I also certify the fact that this man is in fact, a crazy fucker. I also use a bullhorn in case anyone missed that. He drops his wallet in the process. I hand it back to him after a while and his ID card slips out its fake as his name is Tits Mcgee. I of course pull this out and wave it to the crowd who is still watching him act the drunken fool. Dave rolls up and sees this, and we have a field day with him although I already have. We make sure everyone sees his fake id, it says he works as a porn star. So we go on partying our asses off with two gorgeous women, the entire night after we say score one more for the book. The next day, I wind up next to the girl of my choice as does Dave. The drunken fool wakes up pissed off and pissed on. Note it's better to be pissed off than pissed on. Someone had pissed on him while he passed out He was also exposed by some pranksters who thought it would be funny to steal his clothes. So he wakes up with the word pervert stamped on his head, naked and pissed on, so he was understandably pissed off. He wanted to kill the first person he saw, so I made sure we all left before he woke up. So then we had a good laugh about everything that happened. I went to class hung over as hell, but it was fine since no one cared. I tried to and did act normal. So he finds out his ID is gone and flips out, and then his buddies happen by and say hey Tits mind if we see your alter ego for a while hahaha. Later next week on a Friday night I went to a party where some guy streaked and tried to make some dude kiss his ass. The stench coming from the guy was unbearable to start with so they threw the guy out on his ass. I was like damn it sucks to be him. He attempted to get back in the party, but of course could not. Add to that that the campus police picked him up for being butt naked in the restroom. He was having fun and also being quite drunk and very stupid in public. He nearly had a psychotic breakdown. I didn't blame him, after all he s just a prankster. They let him go after realizing he was just a victim of circumstance, they also gave him a pair of pants and dropped him off at his dorm. They told him no more parties for a week. I was watching the whole thing and couldn't help but laugh and also feel sorry for him. He saw me and was like hey what are you **(%^$#%#s doing here? Well that changed everything, I was like %%$$#@ you buddy, so he got mad and left. I threw a burrito at the guy and he got it all over his shirt. He in turn tried to dump trash in Dave's car but wound up slipping in it and busting his @$$!!! Of course Me and Dave wound up driving away laughing. I flipped a police officer off that night and shouted whoo! Then I did the same to the drunken bums in the streets of Miami where Dave decided to drive. The next incident was October 2004 someone who looked a lot like Dave was going around Coral Springs, the town I lived in, mooning people. Now for those of you who don't know, that means he exposed his butt to them. He mostly did this from the backs of buses. I joined him in this, but only if people had money, no I'm kidding. He did though since it was a dare. I dared him to do it. I asked Dave if he was the guilty party, he laughed turned bright red and swore he didn't do it, you can't prove I did it and you never saw me do it. I laugh and say ok fine you didn't do it. So I asked if he knew who did do it. He of course had no idea. I find out who it was though. The guy claimed he was Dave's evil twin. Similarly, my brother makes a slight appearance in this book. No he didn't do anything worth adding himself. In the next book he might be a star however. Nah only kidding he's clean for now. He did dare a man to streak around the high school he was attending, he offered the guy a dollar to do it. Interestingly enough the guy did it. It was front page news I 'm sure. They caught the streaker later in the day, at Denny's. One can only imagine why someone would lower themselves like that for a dollar. It was sad however, I mean they interrupted the guy's meal to arrest him. I mean come on let a man (or woman as the case may happen in the future) eat before carting them off to jail for the night. They found him probably around 6 pm and with his clothes on at that point. He is an idiot if ever I heard of one thank God I haven't seen him. Thankfully I didn't get a chance to see that much stupidity up close and personal. The next day I heard he was expelled from Coral Springs High School. That is going a bit far in my opinion, I mean suspension sure, but don't make it so he can't finish high school. That is just too much. I mean his whole life could be wasted then. Next, around March of this year 2006 there was a suspected pervert running around the USA Campus (University of South Alabama) exposing himself, it was a midget who was smoking dope at the time of the suspected incident. Apparently, he was mad at people for tossing them, beating on them, kicking them around, and making fun of them. He pissed on the cop cars who were pursuing him. He got away a few times but then he exposed himself to one of the officers ( a guy no less) he says yes I'm gay got a problem with that? All his victims he says were men. Well before the cops take him away I ask the guy for an interview, yes I wanted to ask him his motives and how many people he had done this to. Of course, he tries to do it to me and I turn away before he reaches for his belt. I just walk away and then they take him away. He then starts saying you %$#@!@#@ I'm going to get you and then you'll see mini me (his term for his guy parts). I threw up, it was involuntary, which surprised me since I have a strong stomach, very strong. So the cops cart him off and he goes to court, he gets a five year sentence, because it turns out he was caught with dope on him. It turns up in the USA news that the guy is a dope on his dope. The guy however breaks out and becomes a homeless bum, eventually moving into a retirement home, where he exposes himself to old men, this seems to become more common. He eventually finds someone who enjoys this type of insanity. The old woman who happens to live there, who by the way is 75 if she is a day, decides to get married to him. He flips out of course because he likes being a promiscuous pervert. So he vows never to be a pervert again anyways. He takes off like a bat out of hell, which is awesome. The old woman chases him out of her old folk's home. He is faster so she gives up sadly. They would have made a good couple I think. As long as I don't have to see him again I don't care haha. He eventually ended up married to another midget in California. I laughed and said thank God for gay marriage. Chapter 16 Random Stupidness I heard a guy ratting on his gang friends one day, he wouldn't however mention who the leader of the group was or what they were up to. So the cop he was talking to rats him out. He tells the gang members that their friend was a snitch and had the tape to prove it. Can you guess what happened to the guy? Shot dead. Now that guy was really stupid. Another person walks around telling everyone that guess what? I'm going to jail and I couldn't be happier about it whoopee. I laugh at him and then the cops come to take him away. I shout idiot at him. Apparently he had been caught jaywalking and tried to put up a fight, then drove into a park driving recklessly because he was high. It looked like a scene out of COPS. It was crazy, he actually said oh shit when they came by to scoop him up. Then on the weekend after I finished college, guys just spontaneously beat the hell out of each other. This was no playfight, they were seriously going at it. So I stop everything and just watch this display of imbecility. (I like to use different terms to describe activities like this) I then just stop and stare at how low the IQ of the room has sunk. I was thinking this is cool, hit him with your cane I thought, and use the denture grip. So then one of the guys kicks the other in the nuts and pushes him into a stop sign. This would end the fight, but the other guy gets up and does the same resulting in the other guy getting ran the ^&*^ over. Well he wasn't completely run over just bumped into actually. The fight kept going. One guy finally seemed to have the upper hand cracking the other with a cane. The other indeed used the denture grip (he used his removable teeth to pinch him with). They took a few minutes to catch their breath. Then round two began. These guys were having a battle. It was incredible. I had never seen anything like it in all my life. Interestingly, enough both of these men were 70 if they were a day, at least. They were like you young whippersnapper and dad gum it. They flipped each other the bird while fighting. I never laughed so hard in my life. The cops come around and I say no no these two were fighting pointing at the old men. Neither wants to press charges and I asked them why they were fighting. They did it for fun supposedly. I was like damn people are crazy. I just walked away. I watched as the two got pushed into the paddy wagon for the night, they were turned loose, but the judge admonished them not to act like children, which was pretty darn funny considering their ages. One man was named Hubert and the other Ezekiel, Neither name you would expect such hooliganish behavior from. So I call on the P.A. when the fight is raging between these two oldsters and see if their wives are there to scold them, but they apparently were confirmed bachelors. I call on the P.A. after that to call attention to this show of stupidity. The manager catches wind of this and says Good Lord No! The next day at Publix, two guys were hanging around making fun of people at Publix, particularly me. They were stupid punks, so they tried to rob the store. Of course, they were caught and the cops hauled their sorry butts away. What's worse is that the manager chewed them out. I wouldn't want to be in that position. Then when I laughed at them, the manager at the time said it wasn't funny. I beg to differ it was funny, they were being arrested and they got yelled at by the boss. One stupid thing that I did when I was younger was to fire a person I didn't like from Publix. It was not official of course, but I wanted to have some fun on my break. I called a guy named Todd on the PA while on break. I said Todd you are fired F-I-R-D I misspelled it because it was amusing to me. As it was, I nearly got suspended and might have been fired, but I stopped doing pranks at work at least on the P.A. Then there was a bunch of incidents with a fellow named Fransisco. My first thought was man he is an idiot. Numerous girls were supposedly in love with him. He said anyways. One time he got some guy's keys stuck in his car door. It was hilarious. Fransisco was a pure idiot, he got fired from his job for his idiocy. I'll get into the details here. One day he was just hiding out in Publix, not doing work, so he got suspended. A few weeks later he found out he was canned. I was like damn what a fool. A lot of people celebrated when he left. Me and another friend laughed our asses off talking about this. I felt kind of bad but still amused. His last official action before leaving was to grab the PA phone and fart into it, thus letting everyone know what a fool he was. Then there was Andrew. He was 10 times as bad as Fransisco. He is cool but dumb when it comes to pranks. He used to claim that the boss told me to do extra work, so I checked, and he got made to do the worst for his tricks. He tried to trick Keith too, but he was too smart for him too. Then there was a guy who claimed to have seen the Pillsbury Doughboy. Now you're probably thinking so what, he's a popular character to watch on commercials. But he said he saw the guy at a club drinking and smoking a blunt. He further said he had left the club with two blonde women who were supermodels. Another person claimed to be his lawyer and said to stop slandering her client. Then I told her to be quiet, because I have seen similar things. I hadn't really, but it was too much fun to pass up. I told her that I had seen the Pillsbury Doughboy on the town with a hooker. He was seen doing the worm and throwing down 100 dollar bills on the bar. He was singing and clearly drunk. He slipped on the bar where strippers were asking him to show them the dough. So he says ok and shows them the goods. I tell his lawyer he was on a date with a friend of mine that night. She claims it's a look alike, who wanted to make fun of him. She walks away disgusted and I just laugh because it's the funniest story I could think of. What spooked me was I saw a guy, who was in the doughboy costume, when I went to the club that night. He was indeed with female attention and singing. He had a blunt in his mouth and a beer in one hand. He was wilding out all night. The next day I asked did you sleep well and He says hell no man I was wilding out all night long. I told him he was indeed wilding out all night. He then passed out. It turned out it was my friend Keith Hopper in the doughboy costume, which was why he was willing to tell me of the events of the previous night so freely. I was like man you had girls all over you as the doughboy. He laughed and said I know. I told him we should hit the mall and tell of our adventure. He agreed and we did. I told him he's got a lawyer acting on his behalf. The weird thing was he didn't seem too surprised about it. Apparently people who impersonate celebrities expect that. We decided to go around telling everyone who would listen our story. We sang some Green Day music and laughed at people for no reason. I pointed and laughed at a guy who was fighting for a sandwich. It was a gross looking sandwich at that. Then there were two homeless guy yelling at each other saying you *&%$#@! And !@%$& you. Me and Keith thought that was hilarious, and more so when they started beating the hell out of each other. Gratuitous violence is in fact funny. Involuntary violence is even funnier. So then Keith offers me the doughboy outfit. I decline at first, but he insists saying it would be fun. So I accept graciously, and try to live up to the name, and the wildness. As soon as I come in some woman tries to take a bite out of me. I said I don't bite on the first date lady. She left looking sad, and asked why she looked sad. She said you don't remember last night. I said oh yeah I remember last night and smiled. I tell her what happened, and before I could say another word Keith elbowed me in the ribs saying , don't you remember you were so high you can't remember last night. I said oh yeah I had been smoking funny cigarettes and drinking. What did I do? Well this girl told me we slept in bed, and on the floor and in the pool and in the Jacuzzi together along with 3 other women. I said no way and winked at Keith. I couldn't believe he did all this, I mean he just looked to me like he was not the type to do that. Well I try to outdo him, not as a competition thing, but because he told me to try for better. So I smoke 2 blunts drink a boatload of beer and 5 women join me in bed. Now remember they think I'm the doughboy so that's why they do this. (Yes there were a lot of extremely stupid women, and also men, at that bar, the men were the ones who gave me the blunts.) I have a huge hangover from the beer and the blunts, well the blunts balance it out. I realize I was feeling good in the night though. The doughboys lawyer tried to cover it up, but realized we were fakes and quit defending us. Me and Keith lived it up we are currently taking dough nations to keep up the spirit of the doughboy and party our asses off forever like he would want us to. No one gave us money for our supposedly frivolous cause so we gave up on that. I still go out with the costume on sometimes just for kicks. I have it hanging in my closet for anyone who wants to see it sometime. Keith has one too in case he wants to go out with hot women, drink a bunch for free get high once in a blue moon, or perform on stage as a novelty guitarist.Next there was a young guy who spilled oil on his riding mower and fell in a ditch. His name was Jack Striker, a rich arrogant fool, who had a bank account bigger than the law should allow. He is so rich that he could buy the state of Florida but he is such an idiot it defies logic. He was singing in the shower one day and had accidentally put a bottle of car oil in his pocket and forgotten about it. He gets his clothes on and goes to ride around on his lawn mower. He gets on and feels something wet and warm on his clothes, completely saturating them. He shouts Oil! and spills it all over the place in his shock. He of course slips off and falls into a ditch rolling down a hill wounding his pride more than his body. He gets oil all over himself possibly swallowing some. However, he tries to get out and can't do it because of the oil. He is screwed he thinks. He tries calling someone, but his phone fell out of his pocket and the mower ran it over. Then he tries yelling but no one's there. He fails to notice the ditch is waist deep. Finally, the fire department is called in because someone notices the town is more intelligent since he's in the ditch. No I'm kidding, but seriously he is in there for a while because he is such a buffoon. So he gets out and his leg is a bit twisted, and he's filthy from the oil spill, but otherwise fine. So Jack decides to go to bed since he got out at around midnight and it turns out his mower was stolen. So he goes home saying &%$@#@! Then he trips on a part of the mower and lands face first. He passes out and wakes up the next day with a bum next to him and he's missing his pants. Of course, he flips out and starts beating the guy up assuming the worst. Two other bums are there laughing at this rich dude who is acting the fool. Then there was another fool who went around claiming he was Elvis. He kind of looked like Fat Elvis. He was fat enough to be him, and had the stupid shades. He ate like him and took a lot of drugs. He even sang like him and womanized like him. It was great, the picture is going in the next book. This guy was doing this in the FAU gym at around 1pm when I was finishing my workout. I said look at this guy, he belongs in the book. He tried to go on stage at Wackadoos, security threw him out eventually when he was shouting don't you know who I am, I 'm Elvis. He slipped on a banana peel, and landed in his fried pb and banana sandwich. This guy apparently tried to shake rattle and roll his way on stage and wound up doing the jailhouse rock. He wound up in the heartbreak hotel. I'm not sure when the King checked out, but he took a pretty long stay at the heartbreak hotel it seemed. I couldn't wait to see when or where this fool would strike next. He decided later that instead of being fat Elvis, he wanted to be handsome Elvis, so he went back to college and became an exercise science person, majoring in personal training. I saw him everywhere, and on weekends he would perform as Elvis on stage, of course he became well known as a fool, not a rock star, as everyone with any sense knows Elvis is in fact, dead. He graduated with honors in fact, he opened his own studio but it failed miserably. It was called Elvis's place. The problem was customers kept buying junk food after the workouts, and not getting their goals met fitness wise. Of course, they blamed him and left the club. I felt bad for now not so fat Elvis, and gave him some advice, but it was too late. His company died shortly after, but he gained a record contract like the real Elvis did, and performed as a novelty actor. I was happy for this poor fool who lucked out big time. I actually called it fool's luck. Next is some fool who apparently had too much stress to deal with life, so he took it out on a pb and j sandwich, that's right a baseball player for the FAU team starting beating up a poor innocent pb and j sandwich. I was in shock as I watched him beat down the sandwich and yell obscenities at it. I was going to tell him calm down it's just a sandwich. It was finals week, and he was the star hitter for the team. I decided that telling a guy swinging a bat anything was a bad idea. He had clearly lost it, and someone decided it would be funny to play pb and j by the Buckwheat Boys. Of course, this catches his attention, and he decides to eat the tenderized sandwich. He calms down and someone gives him a sleeping pill. He woke up stranded at the school hours later looking for the sandwich intending to beat on it more. I of course had left hours ago, but some people were commenting on what a fool this guy was. I agreed, I mean he just out of nowhere just busted out losing his mind. Of course, I just happen to have a camcorder, and he's embarrassed to hell the next day after the incident. He is laughed out of the university for this. He eventually became a bum and moved to California, nah just kidding he had to go to another school next semester though. He never had another sandwich like that or so I heard. I go around showing everyone the video I took of this fool beating on his sandwich. Next, there was the teleprompter incident at a baseball game. For some reason, there was a guy on the baseball scoreboard video picking his nose, the stadium held about 40,000 people. Of course, they all see this and laugh at the poor guy, who has no idea what is so funny until he sees himself on the old scoreboard. By then, he's mortified, which is ridiculous, I mean it's bad but not that bad. However, for some reason they decide to do an instant replay, but instead of a play coming up, the nose picking incident comes up. It gets so bad, that the guy vows to sue major league baseball. It turns out a prankster had broken into the media area and pranked the poor guy. He goes out onto the field, making a bigger fool of himself on national television. Of course, I catch this on video and start selling copies for everyone to see. He tries to find the prankster and indeed does, beating the holy hell out of him and dragging him around all the bases. I roll over laughing at this guy. Of course, this is all on tape too. The ratings are through the roof for whatever station is covering this, and I almost fall over the fence laughing, thankfully Dave pulled me back in otherwise I would have gotten hurt badly. The man then goes back to picking his nose, before the cops come to pick him up for the riot, and to tell him what an idiot he is for being on the prompter. I mean this is worse than the soccer riots in England. About a week after this incident nothing of interest happens. We look everywhere, but the idiots must have been getting smarter I thought. Then it happens. A police officer arrests an old person for not crossing the road fast enough. This was by the way, an 84 year old woman who got arrested. Now I don't know about you, but if I can still get out of bed at 84, I will be very happy. Heck, if I make it to 84 I will be very happy. I listen in disbelief as I hear about this. I mean come on, this person could barely walk and the cops arrest them for it. I laugh at the idiot who made the arrest. They said this person was obstructing traffic. Well it sounds to me like the cop was obstructing common sense. At least that's how I see it. Hey make your own call if you don't agree. So I call the cop a buffoon and leave the bar I saw this on. In addition to this, on the same day I see that in California the police are cracking down on certain offenders, who you might ask, killers, rapists or drug dealers? None of the above, its jaywalkers. Jaywalkers! I thought you have to be kidding me not a stupid crime like that, that shouldn't even be a crime. Apparently priorities got messed up at the station. As it turns out, they claim accidents have been up. It is not like I am going to die crossing the street the wrong way. We have serious problems to take care of, and these guys want to stop jaywalkers from crossing the road. Moron's logic if ever I heard it in my life. So then after hearing this I walk home, now Mobile is a pretty big town so it takes a while, but all I can think about is the actions of that cop, and the poor 84 year old woman he arrested. Next I find out that a person who works as a doctor cheated all the way through high school and college. I mean damn they were dumb. You would think they were from the Slackers movie. I mean the guy did some of his surgeries while high he told me. I got an email from an old friend who wanted to be a doctor so this is how I know. His name was Jack Jackson and he was quite the hellraiser. Nobody knew how he lived the way he did and still became a doctor. Some believed he was a cheater, but couldn't prove it. He got wasted every night during high school, college, and grad school it seemed. He brought home girls to his dorm and worked as a bartender, which was nice since I got free drinks. He ended up robbing banks and doing crime for a high. He had to keep raising the bar in the end because the high wore off and he crashed into depression. Unfortunately, I thought man what a dope. So he says I'm Jack Jackson you'll never catch me as he shoots from a car while someone else drives. I drove the car a few times while wearing a face mask, which was great since I didn't know how to drive and had no liscense or permit at the time. He robbed five banks in 3 hours once. He robs more banks and when he is caught, a mob marches him off to be killed by electrocution after his trial. He turns to me and says hey buddy I'm going to the electric chair. Sparks are going to shoot from the top of my head, my hair is going to be sparking. I'm going to sizzle whoo. Everyone will remember me as the most daring man who ever lived. Now that is a dope, a man who lives for the rush so much, that he doesn't care if he lives or dies. At the same time I admire him, he was fun and indeed the most daring man who ever lived, I think. Anyways, I got to see him as he went to the chair, hell I joined the mob marching him to the chair. I was saddened to see him go, but then realized if he's happy to go then I should be happy for him. I cheered him on. Then I see it the electric chair. Sure enough, he has lightning shooting from his skull and he whoops it up all the while, like he's at a party. I go to his funeral and someone passes wind on his grave. I punch the guy out for that because that day was supposed to be memorializing a great man, and a great cheater, in the classroom and with the women. He helped me get my first girl and my hundredth ha just kidding about the last one, but he always invited me to his wildest parties. Next, there was a guy who wound up looking at a hot girl and drove his car into a telephone pole. That's right a telephone pole. My phone was out for 3 days thanks to this fool. In June 2005, I was going to the Davie campus at FAU , and saw some guy not looking at the road but at a hot blonde girl, who it seemed was underage. She was short so I assumed she was. I thought man what a pervert. His passengers tried to warn him, and when he hit the pole he shouted WHOO HOO BOOBS! I see this and hold my head in shock, this was unprecedented. I mean people talk about this, but never see it I thought. Well the blonde did, and asked if everyone was ok. Eventually they end up married, but for now they just met. She helps him out of the car, he pretends he is hurt until medical attention arrives. I couldn't believe this guy's idiocy was helping him get girls. He ends up at the hospital and it turns out he is fine and a faker, but it was worth it to see that girl with him. I'll put the picture of her in the next book too. Believe me it is worth a thousand words. Maybe it's even worth ten thousand. So the next day he gets picked up to leave as his car is nearly totally useless. Surprise surprise, the mystery girl is there. She takes him to work and I say idiot, because he wrecked his car looking at her. So I come to the conclusion women like idiots, this explains why I haven't gotten laid in a week. Haha well maybe I will next week, who knows, so anyways he gets a happy ending. I talk to a girl online who happens to have done the same thing, her name is Lisa, and she's pretty cute if you like goth girls, she always complains about being fat, and she is mean (note she really isn't fat, she just says she is for sympathy. My response now is to call her an emo chick. She was driving down the road and in a blast of pure inspiration, decided to look at a guy she claimed was hot. Of course, I couldn't tell but Dave could. Nah just playing he's not gay in the least. Seriously, she hit a stop sign while checking out the guy's butt as she told me. This was after she says I shouldn't drive on the road. Of course, I tell her look who's talking. She says if I get my license she is going to stay off the road. She tells me to shut up after I remind her of her incidents. She says she's dumb, but she's also pretty cool. She would make a good stripper or Hooters girl. She also weirdly enough yelled boobs when she crashed and probably got the guys attention; I know it would get my attention to hear someone shout boobs. So she ends up chasing the guy, trying to have sex with him ignoring the fact her car is now ruined possibly beyond repair. She got him, my bad. To which I said all right and all it took was you shouting boobs and wrecking your car. Congrats blah blah. I'm telling you I am staying off the road because of her not the other way around haha. Oh and she thinks I am crazy, when she is the one wrecking cars to stare at some dude's butt. She told me hey at least I have my license. This is not a good point, some people shouldn't have them. Then, there was guy who actually instant messaged me on yahoo to tell me he shit his pants. That's right you heard it here first. A person actually admits they crapped their drawers. I couldn't believe it. I am going to put the conversation in the next book more idiots. Seriously he goes on telling me how good it feels to s*%$# his pants, and I am just in amazement at his discovery. So he says he's high, I tell him that explains it, he says he only does this while high. I say sure dude, and then he goes on talking about his habit. I just laugh and eventually he decides to get a new pair of pants, or I assume he does. I would if I had done that and right away too. By the way, the guy also shouted pants when he crapped them, which was hilarious. Then there was a guy who farted in the main air vent at his school. Maybe it was a stink bomb that he set off. In any case, this guy was a prankster, the class clown type. Chapter 17 Next is stupidity-based in crime. This one goes together I mean if you're a criminal, you're stupid. That being said, our first criminal tried to break into his high school. Let me stop there, and repeat that so you can grasp the idiocy of this person. His name was Mike and he broke into his high school! He was supposedly forced to play lookout for the others who did the same thing. Of course, I said what an idiot. He was caught and I am sure afterwards the cops had a good laugh about it. They probably claimed this guy's idiocy is legendary, and it is. He got a tracking device in him as part of his sentence (he was warranted for other things, which makes him more of a moron for doing this. If you have warrants, don't do more crimes. Don't break into high school. I try to help her out, by finding out how to block the gps, aluminum supposedly blocks it and told her so. By the time she tells him though, he goofed with her and she forgot all about him. What a moron. He got 15 more years and lost his girlfriend who was very lovely, her name is Amanda. Oh well, as for the moron, I could see it if he was trying to break out of school, that's understandable, but breaking in? Why would someone want to be there in the first place, and go there when not required to? It was impossible, at least for me. I really couldn't believe this one at first. I mean I did not go to high school when I was required to let alone when I was not. I skipped my fair share when I was in college too. I skipped more than I should, but usually got good grades. I am planning on cutting out of grad school when I go, it's inevitable. I'm doing it. Next was the guy who worked at Albertsons and robbed the place. His name was Jon Schneiderhausenwitz. He decided being a service clerk was too boring. He wanted to be like a TV character he saw, who ran around acting like a fool , hooting and hollering raising hell, and doing it again each day. He put on a bad fitting mask and decided to rob Albertsons with a fake gun. Of course, everyone knew it was him, and he says you'll never catch me. He ran like hell, driving away at around 80 miles per hour. He actually shouted you'll never take me alive. Well the guy wound up hitting an oil slick that the cops set up to trap him, the guy shouted Oil! This was just like Jack Striker. He spun out of control and hit a tree, which was bad for him because his best friend lent him his car. Of course, a car used in the commission of a crime becomes seized by the local government, so he lost out on ten thousand dollars. Of course, his friend happened by and saw the whole thing. He shouted Oil as well when John hit the oil, then oh shit as he realized what was going on. He ran up and beat the guy for losing him his truck. He, of course, slipped in the oil and fell on his ass. Of course, the cops separate them and his friend gets arrested too. The friend was released since he was clearly out of his mind. Of course, they did take him alive it was great, he went out like my friend Jack did, except possibly less daring since it was not a lifestyle for him. That sucked for him because he wanted to start a new life of crime. I once considered, wait several times considered a life of crime, but I am too smart for that. That is too bad, since I think I would be the most daring man who ever lived. If I was going to go down anyways, I might as well be the best at what I do. The fool thinks he is going to get the chair for his heinous acts, but in fact the judge gives him a life sentence. He goes to jail and he's just ready for Bubba to get him haha. Actually, now that I remember right, his exact sentence was three hundred years and five life sentences, because the man was also caught with drugs, weapons, and other things on him he shouldn't have, including child pornography. He belongs in chapter 15 as well, but what's the point, I have mentioned enough perverts. The next fool tries to rob a bank, but winds up shooting himself in the foot, literally. Dave and I happen to be in a bank asking how to deposit our millions (yeah right) and some guy tries to rob the bank. His posse is waiting outside and he's getting the loot when his gun goes off in his pocket. I, of course, shout fool! He runs off trying to get into the escape car, but Dave again sacks the fool, laughing at him. He literally sacked the guy, with a sack full of coins. Dave then shouted "SACK"! The guy then gets tackled by a bank employee who holds him for some medical attention and also the police. They promptly make fun of him while putting him under arrest. Of course the EMTs laugh at him while hearing the story. Of course Dave gets a hero celebration for his role in stopping the guy. The bank gives him some money, I just laugh at the guy who shot himself in the foot. The guy almost got away though, he tried to get in the car, and blood spilled out so the driver and his friends threw the guy in the road to cover their tracks. That's when the bank guy tackled him. What an idiot, he trusted crooks to help him. So he goes to jail. Dave gets a celebration at the school cafeteria, or the club, whatever. I go to the courthouse and raise hell making fun of the guy. I almost spend a day in jail for doing that, but I promise not to act the fool in court again. I did however make fun of him when the judge was not looking. So the trial goes on for what seems like forever. I say look maybe you should let him go. I mean he's more than punished himself enough for what he did. However, they had to wait for a few weeks until the guy could recover a bit so that he could defend himself. He could barely get to the courthouse because he is such an idiot. I loved seeing this one, it reminds me so much of the show COPS, although I haven't seen this in an episode. It is true, truth is stranger than fiction. Of course, the guy gets a twenty year sentence for this. It turned out he was warranted for other crimes that run a gauntlet. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll were involved at least three times each over the course of his crimes. He wound up on the news and everything. I was like man what a dope, he murdered, he fornicated with children, did drugs like LSD, he was on PCP when he did his last crime. He actually imed me once to say he %$#@! his pants, oh wait that was someone else. Oh well, he wound up getting Old Sparky to end his reign of crime. Of course, Dave says look at this guy, he's a fool, he's being

shocked and he gives the judge the finger. I say well if you're going to die anyways, at least you should deserve it. He would im me to tell me that. Next on the list of idiocy was a guy who tried to rob his neighborhood, but the neighbors got him back by burning his house down. He must have seen Home Alone one too many times and tried to rob my house. Well I didn't try any traps or anything dumb like that. I just put on a ninja mask and waved around a giant sword (which wasn't real but he didn't know that.) so he runs out screaming and into a telephone pole face first. When he gets up I chase him, but apparently other tricksters dug a ditch about 20 feet deep with broken glass at the bottom of it. The guy, of course, runs for cover and lands in it, swallowing a fair bit of the glass. I cover the guy with a rug and take off the mask, leave the sword down there with him, and tell the cops hey some guy in the ditch tried to rob my house. He may need medical attention. The guy wound up trying to claw his way out but the EMTs had to do it. He also realized his house was on fire and said fools! His house burned to the ground, because the fire department was also with the medical department helping him so they couldn't save his house. He puked however, and the glass came up some cutting him pretty badly. The EMTs tried to save him and did. Eventually, he made a full recovery and then realized he had to go to jail, on trial for breaking in and entering, burglary, and armed robbery , even though an 86 year old woman clobbered him with the old one two, knocking him out cold. I'm not kidding, I talked to her, and she showed me her driver's license to prove it. Me and Dave had a good laugh about this one. The guy was behind bars and I went to visit him. I grabbed a guard's bullhorn after he said it was ok, and shouted James Farnsworth is a fool. He got cold cocked by an 86 year old woman who he attempted to rob but failed to rob. Of course, he was the laughing stock of all the hardened criminals in there and they probably made him their bitch. I laughed and walked out of the jail. He swore he would get me if it was the last thing he ever did, but I said that's tough talk for a guy who got cold cocked by a senior citizen and passed out. He still said he would get me, so I asked the warden if I could have five minutes in the cell with him. The warden said no and said sarcastically, no way man that's a hardened felon in there he'd hurt you. In any case, the next guy on the crime idiocy list is a guy who wound up slipping in his own slop and dying. That's right, a guy checked out because he pissed his jail cell and drowned in it. I almost checked out myself after hearing that. I mean it was hard to breathe from the laughter, but also sad because America's criminals are the stupidest in the world. Well it turns out some guy was drinking too much pale ale or something, and around November 2005 I hear this story from Dave. I check it out at the jailhouse and it is true. It actually happened in Boca Raton, to which I said score. Well it turns out the guy had to go really bad, and it showed. He pissed his pants, and then all over the cell. He slipped and hit his head where his brains promptly fell out. I commented about the guy having an open mind. He actually drowned in his own urine, which I found to be the height of moronness. I asked the jailer what caused him to do this, and he responded that the man , named Willard Gacy had always been that way, he did things like that all the time he was in the jail. He added that the man only had a week left of his sentence. One week and the guy dies. That is just horrible. I then ask if he had done anything to which they might add to his sentence if he hadn't died. They said he was planning a jail break and they were going to tack on 70 years to his sentence, if he was convicted. I asked how old the guy was and he said 73. Seventy three years old, and he would have 70 more if he tried to leave. I said that would suck for him. In fact, I felt for the guy. I mean what a way to go, in his own piss in a prison. Every person deserves better than that. Of course, this gets around the jail house and mixed reactions result. Some laugh at the guy for being so stupid, some feel for the guy and his family, who were probably crushed. I went to the service for the man and his family, stating I was doing research on this man's activities and life, so I felt obligated to be there at his passing. His brother ended up falling in the casket by accident and spilling the body outside. He then tried to put the body back in the casket, but wound up falling in it himself. Oh the horror. Ironically his brother was a captain of industry, he had built his own business in shipping. He even went to college for it, while his brother wound up sliding more and more into ruin. Anyways, so for once his brother acts the fool. Then there was a story about a man who had died, and no one knew for two years that he was even missing. He was a guy who was pretty invisible. Still, I mean someone should know. His apartment bills weren't being paid, he didn't show up for work, but the boss kept cutting checks for his job. He was a loser by all accounts. His name was James Huey. He liked to drink a lot, and he sang badly when he did. As it was, he showed up to work one day drunk as a skunk, and walked out early, the boss didn't even notice. He never made it back. He checked out while taking a dump. The guy skips work, and this is his karmic punishment? Or maybe it is God's way of finally showing mercy to the man. Whatever you want to call it, it's an interesting way to go. Of course, he stays in the toilet. slumped and eventually falling on the floor. Now the stench should be getting to people since he's gone as yesterday. Since his roommates were stoners who never bathed themselves, the smell wasn't noticed in the least. In fact, they didn't notice even when he was in the bathroom all the time, which should have been a little strange to them. Of course he never left, but the guys said hey James, what's up no answer, no problem. The guys finally figured it out when one decided to give up drugs and give his life to Jesus. Then the sober guy figured out James was deader than a doornail. Of course, all hell breaks loose after this revelation. His boss flips out after realizing he was paying a dead guy for his non work. Of course this is nothing to feel bad about, because in America a man could be elected governor and die. Think about it, and this did happen somewhere in the United States, a man winning election or re- election even though he died. Yes that is correct, a man won an election even though he was deceased, dead, gone from life. People are idiots. They are complete fools. Back to my story. So then his landlord finds out, and is surprised because he had the rent money each month on time and was rarely a problem if ever. He did think it was weird that he never saw him around or going to work. Then the stoners finally get around to telling the police their story. They conveniently leave out the part where he died two years ago. Of course, to be fair, they had no idea how long ago he died, but the last time they saw him active was around that time. It sucks when your brain is the size of a flea's egg due to pot. This why I never touch the stuff. I had a friend who knew the scientific process in which drugs do that stuff. People who knew the guy were shocked. Some thought he killed himself, some thought he died of natural causes. Of course, the coroner said he died while taking a dump. That ,by the way, is a sad way to go, but it complimented his lifestyle. I mean he lived sad, he died sad. A lot of people felt sorry for him, but the point is how can anyone be so stupid as to not know someone's dead for two whole years. It was mind boggling. I mean nobody noticed at all. His nerdy friends from the college said damn now who's going to help us get girls, which was funny because the guy was dating the worst girl he could get. He had to take her to McDonalds each weekend, which is a sad thing in the fact he eats there. The bad thing is he worked there all his life. I still to this day can't get over how they did that. A man dies and no one knows for two years, I hope that isn't my fate. When I go to see God face to face, I want everyone to know where I am. His roommates are charged with a crime before the examiner determines it was natural causes that killed him. So they are let go, apparently they didn't notice because his money for the rent was set aside years in advance, which was weird. It turned out he was living a wild double life as a closet man who liked his whiskey, fast cars, and Mary Jane. What a fool I said. Not that he was a fool for doing those, but for pretending to be normal. The stress must have killed him. I also thought man he must be having the time of his life at night for the most part. Well it sounded fun except for him liking the men. So then the stoners get released, and I conducted interviews with Dave holding a camcorder. I asked first his roommates how they couldn't notice him being dead for two years straight. They didn't want to talk about it, and Dave asks point blank if they were trying to hide it. They still decline to answer, so we both say fine you guys are idiots at the top of our lungs. We were pissed because they were being well morons, and they didn't want to talk about their moron like actions. We then went to interview his girlfriend, who also had no idea he was dead. This was strange, but she at least talked to us. God damn we immediately thought at the same time, what did he do to deserve this? The guy kicks the bucket, and his lover doesn't care it seems. She just thought the guy was a coward who didn't have the guts to break up with her. She was very unattractive, had acne, badly bleached hair, well what was left of it, and not much was left. She weighed, and I certified this, by watching her step on the scale over 400lbs. This was the max weight her scale had. It showed flags coming out of it. So she had no idea, she just thought he left the country or something. Incredible I thought, as we went on to interview the man's employer, the manager at the local McDonalds. Of course, he was busy, but found time to talk to us which was also incredible. He said the guy's work wasn't getting done, so he fired him. Of course, it didn't require a response, so he didn't care that he didn't get one. He didn't care that the man didn't show up. He called the house, but there was no answer. So he gave up, He didn't think the guy died, but he was probably hoping. I would too. I mean the guy was an idiot himself. He always had the worst of everything. or so it would seem. Next we asked his friends what happened, we come to the conclusion that his only friends were those two dopes that he was living with. Last, we ask his mom and dad what happened. It turned out his parents thought he was a loser. They always referred to him as one and meant it. He dropped out of high school to work at McDonalds. He wasn't smart or anything, but he could have gone to community college at least. He never called or wrote because of the fight they had over that. It was really sad, but they should have respected his decision. I mean college doesn't help everyone. They said yeah, but he should have finished high school, I mean that is a basic thing. It turns out he finished high school by mail. Two years after he died his high school mailed his diploma, his parents said ha ha someone in our family graduated from high school finally, but they didn't let anyone hear that outburst. And they thought he was a loser too, what a pair of fools. For some reason, they got mad at us and said fucking college fools and left. It should be noted that James pissed his pants on a regular basis as well. Next is a guy who robbed a bank and then decided to kill himself, while he was on acid. This one decided also that he should carefully check whether the world was better off without him. He thought if I died then people wouldn't be poor, other people wouldn't go to jail, and less suffering would be had by decent folks. If he lived, he would commit more crime, more people would suffer, and he would teach others how to be criminals. Actually, in the end he decided to live, tough break for the world. The cops caught him while contemplating all this, and he told them I want to live. They said fine you'll live, in the jailhouse for the next 60 years for all those banks you robbed. They tossed him in, and I said what a fool, he stood around contemplating life or death, while the cops were after him. Man what an idiot, he should have been shot so he wouldn't procreate, well he wouldn't anyways after going to jail for 60 years. I mean if you're a woman, would you want a guy who's in his 80's just getting out of prison? Heck that's just sad, but it happens all the time in the United States. Speaking of criminals that are stupid, what about the justice system, it's full of morons in charge. There are over 2 million people in jail or prison in the United States. We probably have a higher rate of incarceration than anyone in the free world. It is incredible. The morons in charge of our justice system lock people up for the stupidest things. Non violent drug offenders are put in jail everyday and given huge sentences. Some are given life under the Three Strikes Law. For some crimes, I would say one strike and you're out is better, but for crimes that don't hurt anyone, it doesn't make sense. This is throwing away the life of someone who might turn around, or isn't really hurting anyone but themselves. That person might be a pastor or a scientist or something amazing, but they end up behind bars forever. It isn't good for them, and it isn't good for America. These prison people are morons, the inmates yes, I have plenty of stories about them, but more so the administration. Corrections takes up money that could be used to help the poor, or schools, but no we have to house the criminals who we create. That is right, we create criminals though laws. Crime is not universal and criminal actions now might not be crimes later and vice versa. The biggest morons are the lawmakers. They've made it illegal to whistle on certain days, for dogs to bark in certain areas, and for shopkeepers to push customers in their stores, as well as a million other loony laws. Now I have to ask why would anyone do something like this? I could understand them making it illegal to drag customers in shops Then again who does that? Even I wouldn't do that. I mean I won't need to, people will love this book. Seriously who comes up with all these loony laws? Congress, that's who. We all need to demand that they stop the funny business, and that they make laws that make sense. They are all a bunch of idiots. They break the laws more than they obey or make them it seems. Good grief. Some can't get credit cards, some beat their wives, some ran businesses into the ground. Is this idiocy to you? It sure is to me. There is more, some were charged with all sorts of other crimes. Some were charged with DUI like George Bush, who I have to take aim at here. Man if ever I saw a man who was a fool it was him. Clear your schedule, because you will read a long time before I am done with him. He claims he loves Jesus, yet he goes off to fight a war that has bad consequences for everyone involved. Jesus didn't like war or violence, and this man shouldn't either. He was also caught doing DUI. What devoutly religious person have you ever seen caught DUI? The Dalai Lama? Buddha? Muhammed? It is funny for the last two being mentioned because Buddha does not like material wealth, and Muhammed lived before cars were invented. I am willing to venture the Dalai Lama has no use for cars either and they probably didn't drink unless it was necessary. What a fool George Bush is, I would not have the man represent Christianity or the USA if it were up to me. Heck, I wouldn't have him represent anything based on the simple fact that the man is a fool. As it is, he runs the country, but after 2008 he will have to go thankfully. The country can't handle more of his idiocy, it's just unthinkable. It's irresponsible even. But who's worse is... well I don't know. I should give this guy his own chapter, but that would not be enough. Well now for reasons that I classify him as a fool. First off, he has plunged America into debt that is possibly unprecedented. The war is the most costly thing imaginable, in terms of human life and also money, materials, etc. The last I saw was that it was 87 billion and this was years ago. Second, Iraq had no plans to nuke America. They had no mass destruction weapons or chemical weapons. For those of you who read this and support Bush , he lied to you, he lied to everyone, about why we were going to war. He wasn't protecting America, he wanted vengeance on Saddam Hussein. If he was really protecting America he would nuke North Korea, who wants to destroy the USA, totally destroy them before they can counter, but nope this man is such a dope that he wasted billions on a country that never posed a threat to the USA. The judges in America are bad too. I mean they let serious criminals go free in the streets, while harmless drug dealers go to jail for life. Does this make sense to you? It doesn't to me. We live in a nation where violent criminals have more rights than innocent children that they victimize, where politicians talk a big talk about being tough on crime, but yet crime goes unchecked because the conditions that cause it are unchecked. In fact, it's the punitive nature of these programs that cause crime in the first place. Think about it criminals socialize with other criminals, learn from them, become friends with them. They don't have the opportunity to turn their lives around, even if they want to which they won't. This is what our government does, basically saying if you do this wrong thing you're out of luck for life. The last chapter is chapter 18, Damn it all. This is where I say damn it all. I'm sick of all these fools dragging normal decent people into their ring of idiocy. It is like they recruit people who are otherwise normal and intelligent, to be stupid. It is because of them that Dave has lost a lot of temper, and also his hair. He told me don't talk to those people Joe they're stupid! They'll make you stupid too. I know they could, but I need to try for the book I tell him. This part includes the guys who kept chasing Dave even though they eventually mellowed out. Dave was like damn it all because of their antics. Every time he sees them, he says damn it all you guys need a new hobby. What made me say damn it all was that those guys broke into his house and tried to get me. They tried to get me to act like them too. I guess they thought if I was not going to be gay I would be an idiot. Dave really got pissed then, and said look you two homos stop bothering me and my friends before I get mad. So he says damn them they really get on my nerves. This part also includes the guy who dropped his suitcase. We were laughing, haha that's funny but then we were saying damn it all, what kind of example is this guy setting for the kids? He has kids and he is acting like this. His kids imitate him by putting fake suitcases in the toilet each day I bet. They didn't know about his problems yet, but what if they copied him? We would have a nation full of idiots Dave laments sadly. I agree and say damn it all Dave, we are now on a mission, to exterminate all idiocy in the United States, and the world. This is so that our fair land is no longer contaminated by idiots. Our mission begins now so please buy this book, I have a lot of traveling to do and a movie to go along with the book. Dave says yes, we will make it so our country is not full of stupid people who do stupid things like stick their hands in the toilet and get stuck, or burn down firehouses. We won't have a country full of people who lose jobs due to getting lost for 2 weeks, or flunk out of college because they don't want to take a test, and skip out on it. People will realize their idiocy has consequences, even though it is hilarious. Stupidity can indeed be a crime in some cases, and we need to teach our kids that so they end up not in jail, or being stupid. At this point, I would like to say your all a bunch of fools, those of you who didn't buy this book or at least read some of it. For those of you who did at least look at it, I hope you found something entertaining in here. This is a fictional book. In some cases I did some stuff, Dave did some stuff, and in others none of it happened. In a lot of cases I said damn it all though because the real incidents were just so dumb it hurts to think about. It's almost enough to make a person cry. I mean damn it all, there are politicians so dumb they can't keep the laws they helped pass. It is madness. They make, then violate their own laws. Lawmen should not become lawless at least in my opinion. I mean they are supposed to be an example to us, but this is possibly why people can't stay out of trouble, because of the politician's hypocrisy. And then there's the judges, damn they made a pig a man's legal guardian. Only in America, a land infested with fools could this happen. Seriously, I don't know how things like this got started, but anyone with any brains should agree that it has to stop. Our country is the laughing stock of the entire world, and if it's not, then the rest of the world is worse off. In all seriousness, I don't think the rest of the world is worse off, and we may be doomed to a country full of idiots. Don't believe me, just watch the commercials on TV which are a major cause of this. For example, there was a commercial in which some guy goes to jail. Someone did that. Damn it all they didn't need to do that. And I devoted a chapter to the guy who got kicked by a mule. Damn it all why do people do this? They want to be like the stars they see on TV. People always want to be like some other fool who has more money or fame. Damn it all, we need to stop this because this is why people can't do good in school, this is why people drop out of high school and dream of being in music with no job skills. It's why people party too much and don't go to classes in college or just finish high school and work at Taco Bell. I mean scratch that, people drop out of high school and work at Taco Bell twelve hours a day in a lot of cases. Some never get out of that, some do. What we need is someone or something to let people know, wake up, take your life more seriously than to throw it away. I mean come on how can someone laugh when they found out they're going to jail (prison actually), and yes there is a huge difference. Again this is a public service announcement to those who are considering dropping out, or saying that they aren't smart enough to do something good. Don't do it, at least give it your best. Don't be the suitcase guy, or the party guy doing the walk of shame or Bret, who ended up homeless, having children, and drinking problems, as well as stalkers in New York and Florida. (I think they were in both states). Don't be the guy who had to be in pig custody, or his father who shocked himself with a fork in a toaster. Don't be the guy who dropped 500 dollars in the toilet, or pasta guy who dropped out of college. Don't be the old person who kissed people with crap infested dentures, or like the people you see on TV , Congress, the courts or even the president of the USA. Don't even be like the guy who I saw going to jail and being happy about it. Don't be like the gay guys at KFC ( be gay if you are, but PDA is off limits for straight people too), or the guy who looks at wee ooo wee ooo, the other perverts, well maybe you can be like Fred the old man, not the other perverts though. Don't be like the idiots that dropped out of their finals then flunked out of college. Finally don't be like the two guys who bugged Dave. All of these people are fools! There are plenty of examples here, and I am sure you can make up your own. Finally, don't be a fool enough to be a dropout who drinks and has sex recklessly, you know who you are when I say this, don't do it, you have another chance, so use it well. Some don't get that. And finally, don't be like the fools you hear on the radio. Hearing Afroman talk about sex and drugs doesn't mean you can drink and drive, or smoke and fly, fuck left and right, and not pay for it big time. Well maybe you can fuck left and right and be ok, but why chance it? This is why we have welfare people who can't get jobs, have no homes, go to jail (for real not in commercials) because they imitate the fools on radio and TV, who make you think killing, robbing, and beating on people is funny or whatever. They don't show you how they get arrested get V.D. (sexually transmitted disease for the illiterate fools) get shot or whatever. TV just shows how cool they look doing the stuff that makes them fools. Please help me and Dave make the world a more educated place so that we don't have reason to be like damn college fools, they're idiots. Oh and one more thing, don't be the guy who got death by tree. The poor guy was never found or supposedly so. Damn it all people, need to relearn common sense, it should be a high school and college course that people have to learn and apply, not stupid exams like the FCAT or HSCT. I mean these are pointless, they don't prove high school students are smart, they're probably not more so than people who flunked the test **.** Chapter 19 My Girlfriend Leah Leah gets her own chapter. She's with me, so that automatically gets her a chapter in the book, just kidding. I'll probably give her another chapter if she wants. My girlfriend has also gone near a giant fire with a tank of gasoline. The fumes caught and it flared up at her. She was perfectly all right though, she actually enjoyed it. She stepped on a rake to see if it worked like in the cartoons. Ok, I'm going to recount things we've done together that are not fool related things. We have had 9 great months together. She got me involved in horror club, which she goes to in order to spend time with me. We went on a date to Picklefish, and we argued about me paying. Not that I had to, she argued against me paying. Some women are weird. I insisted, and we went to watch movies at my house afterwards. Valentine's day was a good day. I decided to get Leah a cookie cake. It was funny, I don't think she was ever happier than when I gave that to her. I put icing lipstick on her and kissed it off. The next date was months later and we went to get Chinese food. I insisted on acting like I was on a 2nd date. Leah said not to, but I insisted. Eventually, she said she liked it. Our next date is next Friday, and I wonder how that will go. Chapter 20 Epilogue My final chapter is the ending to this story. Dave ends up getting through doctoral school in Mechanical Engineering at FAU. He has sex with a ton of women from the clubs about 150 of them. He marries a woman from his country and has a son. He founds his own engineering company and becomes rich before hitting a 50 million dollar lottery. I end up becoming a rock star after finishing my law degree at Columbia University and suing ARISTA records. I sued for a recording contract of 3 years and 100,000,000 dollars. "As I walk out of the court room after winning my lawsuit, I notice a man run in front of a bus and get hit. He is not hurt, but then i see Dave and his son, and they both yell, 'FOOL!!!' I get to rock. I meet Leah, as per the previous chapter, and end up spending all my time with her. Bret ends up going back to NY and becoming a rock star as well. He tours with the Electric Dudes, but eventually ends up as lead guitarist for Shattered Soul, my band. The other members of my band include Tim, drummer, Travis, back up guitarist, and Leah, bassist. I sing. Fred's ending is less clear, I don't know whether he goes back with Hally or his current love. I don't know if he goes to Texas or not. It's up in the air and up to him. Suitcase guy's fate is he remains a fool. The drunken college students end up married to each other, then divorced. The doctor who got high so often drove off a cliff because he got high behind the wheel. Tony is still out there being himself. However, me and Dave have the last laugh, and we triumph over fools.
