Well? How many recruits for your
business empire did you get last
night then Rothschild?
None of your business.
None then I take it?
Quite a few actually.
Oh right. Just my mate knows 
someone who lost a lot of money 
getting involved with those... 
pyramid schemes.
It's not a bloody pyramid 
scheme. Its a genuine business 
opportunity,
and if last night was anything 
to go by I'm going to be driving
one of these soon.
You are so full of it I can 
smell you from here.
Bog off you.
Alright lads that's enough, back
to work.
This is amazing,
it's all about American football
teams that are starting up all 
over Britain.
I'd love to play.
There's a team starting up in 
Manchester, I might go along and
try out, 
see what happens.
Something else now is it?
What do you mean?
Some other idea that's going to 
take over your life.
It's not like that.
That's exactly how it is. 
Anyway how are you going to get 
to Manchester?
You haven't even passed your 
test 
and don't think I am going to 
drive you thirty or forty miles 
a week.
We haven't got the money for 
petrol or train fares.
You don't understand...
No. It's you who doesn't 
understand. 
What about me? What about the 
dreams we both used to share. 
What's happened to us?
Nothing has happened to us. 
Everything I do is for us.
No Derek everything you do is 
for you and I'm just about fed 
up with it. 
No more.
How do you fancy playing 
American Football?
(Laughs) Joking aren't you?
No I'm dead serious. There are 
teams starting up all over the 
country.
Oh Yeah and I'll bet they are 
crying out for long streaks of 
piss like me 
with one leg longer than the 
other.
Don't be daft, you could be the 
holder or something.
Yeah brill, a poxy holder, 
Great. 
Anyway how could we get to a 
team? Neither of us can drive.
I don't know, I just need a mate
to come with me.
Look. If there was a team here 
like, local, then yeah, maybe I 
would. 
But I just haven't got the time 
or money, 
Not with the baby an everything.
Get in.
Gerry.
Wait.
Proceed.
Ever thought about playing 
American Football?
(Laughs) Why would I want to 
play that?
There are teams starting up in 
Manchester and Stafford. I fancy
giving it a go, 
just wondered if you fancied it 
too like?
Lads. Have you heard this. 
Mister Universe here thinks he's
going to be an American 
Footballer. 
Don't you? 
Come on show us your muscles.
Ouch! piss off you, only asking.
Bunch of puffs all that 
padding... 
and bloody helmets. 
You shouldn't put yourself down.
You should play a tougher sport 
like... 
table tennis.
Alright, settle down.
Huthuthut
(Boss Shouts) WORK!
Well? You going to tell me what 
is up with you. 
You've been like a dog with no 
dick since you came in.
Nobody wants to play American 
football, all they do is take 
the piss out of me. 
There is no way I can get to 
training. 
So I failed again. Ha bloody ha.
Hey! Don't take it out on me 
because people have got more 
sense than you. 
I told you to try and pass your 
driving test. 
How long have I been on at you?
I really want to do this Kym.
And I really want the bills 
paying like you promised 
and I really want a nice house.
Oh and I really want to start a 
family. 
You see we all want things 
Derek. But take a look around, 
look how we live.
(Friends voice in head) If we 
had a team here like, local, 
then yeah, 
maybe I would, but I haven't got
the time or money....(end) 
That's it!
I'm going to start my own team.
I'm going to start my own team 
here in Crewe. 
I won't need a car and I'll be 
guaranteed to play. 
Yeah, my own American Football 
team 
(Music starts)
(Music fades out)
Ey' up Maggie.
Oh hi. I'll be with you in a 
minute.
It's okay, I was looking for 
Sharky?
Look. Why don't you just let me 
get you a pint instead. 
Hey don't fret Maggie, it's not 
what you think.
They're out back. Be careful. 
They've got a client out there 
with them.
(Background voice) Fifty quid by
weekend or your car is mine. Nod
if you understand.
(Loud cry of pain)
What was that for?
So he understands.
He just said that he 
understands, just let him go you
dozy get. 
Can you tell you he's a bit new?
Bit raw. 
Come into the office. Sit down,
Now then. It's a fiver short.
I need to borrow some more.
You have to be kidding? You 
never pay on time, 
I'm always having to chase you 
and you still owe me a fiver. 
You've got no chance.
Come on Sharky, this is what you
do, lend money to desperate 
people like me.
How much do you want?
Two hundred quid.
Alright. Fifty quid a month for 
six months. 
First payment in six weeks time 
and I'll let you off the fiver.
Three hundred quid?
Do you want it or not?
What's up with you? Oh you on a 
promise tonight or what?
No mate I've decided to start an
American Football team here in 
Crewe.
What! You're bloody mad. How 
many players have you got.
Two.
No, no, no, no, no...NO!
Oh come on Sean. 
You said yourself if there was a
team local like you would get 
involved. 
And we'll make a fortune as 
well.
How do you work that out?
Just think about it. American 
Football is going to be huge 
over here. 
People will turn up in their 
thousands to watch. 
We'd make a packet on the gate 
receipts.
You said I'd make a bomb being 
in your down stand selling that 
cleaning stuff. 
Down line, its called down line.
Well yeah that, I'm still broke.
Look, There is a warehouse in 
Warrington that had all the 
equipment. 
Come with me and have a look, 
that's all I'm asking.
You're such a pain in the arse. 
I don't have money for train 
fare.
I'll pay your fare. Simple. Just
come with me.
Don't expect me to buy anything.
I'm up to here with your crazy 
ideas. 
Oh yeah just laugh... yeah
It's going to be good, it will 
work.
(Sean laughs)
What's up with you?
A..F..U..K.. A...FUK
Hello boys. How are you? What 
can we do for you today?
We are just starting up a new 
American football team. 
Thought we'd come and have a 
look at prices get an idea.
Yeah, yeah, alright...come in 
mate. 
We've gt everything in here you 
are going to need for American 
Football. 
Absolutely everything.
These are all absolutely brand 
new not a scratch on them. 
You're going to need one of 
these.
The stuff behind you here... now
these shoulder pads are second 
hand, 
it's really good stuff. In there
we have just had a delivery from
the States. 
You can look in there later if 
you like. Everything Here is 
great for the NFL. 
You're not going to want 
anything else. 
So any questions you got, either
of you, just ask okay?
What team are you?
Crewe Railroaders.
(Laughs) I've never heard of 
you.
No, we're new!
Yeah well we play for er... 
Manchester. 
That's why we know what we are 
selling you see. 
We understand all the gear. Lets
try you out, come on.
There you go, lets get that on 
you. 
Okay so you are going to get 
hurt in this game 
if you don't understand what to 
buy and how to wear it. Okay? 
See, best possible protection. 
Now this is real good, this is 
really good. 
What position do you play?
Erm... Well I don't really have 
a position yet.
(Cry of shock, lots of laughter)
Hey, hey, hey, come back. Did it
hurt?
I nearly bloody shit myself.
It didn't hurt and I'll tell you
why. 
These are the best possible pads
money can buy.
Right you are going to need one 
of these.
So when you put this on pull 
this out over your ears. 
Same when you  take it off, 
alright? Try that on.
Hey! You're not hitting me with 
that again. 
Chill out it's fine.
(Lots of laughter)
You are so chicken. Come here. 
We can't touch these mate 
because these are an order, 
we can't touch them they are 
brand new. So chill out it's 
fine. 
You look a right dickhead.
Bollocks you, bet I look bloody 
brilliant.
No really you look like a dick 
head.
I'll take them.
Cool. Into the office mate, 
let's go.
Kym? Close your eyes love.
Are they closed?
They're closed, what are you up 
to now?
Right. Open them.
(Laughs) You bloody dickhead.
Where did you get that lot from?
Where did the money come from 
Derek?
It's alright, don't worry about 
it.
No it's not alright and don't 
you dare tell me not to worry. 
I knew this would happen I just 
knew.
I'm sorry love. I know you think
this is one of my stupid ideas.
This sport is going to be huge 
in this country. 
Sky's the limit if this thing 
takes off. 
But just say no and I'll quit, 
you're more important.
Please Kym.
Just promise me no more spending
and I mean no more.
No more spending, promise.
You've promised before.
Not like this, I'm begging you.
Don't beg you're pathetic enough
as it is. 
Oh...just bloody do it, you're 
going to do it anyway.
Really? Are you being honest? 
Thank you.
I love you. Hey you're not going
to regret this.
Oh I'm sure I will.
And stop nicking flowers from 
the park.
(Music starts)
(Music fades out)
Right love I'm off.
(Knock at door)
I know. I look like a dickhead.
Just go.
Shut up you.
(Loud shouts) You wanker.
I'm sure that wasn't aimed at 
you mate.
Isn't many people.
At least there are some mate. At
least there are some.
Good Morning.
Well thanks for all turning up. 
My name is Derek and I am the, 
erm, well head coach I guess. 
This is Sean my assistant. I'll 
just get your names.
Golightly
Oakesy
Sean
Mozzer
Lloyd
Sinny
I'm Crank
I'm Cadillac, this is Jenny
Alright Boss. I‘m Eddie and I 
just wanna shag Cheerleaders!
It's alright, I'm only kidding. 
I just wondered if you wanted a 
team Physio? 
I'm a member of the Saint John 
Ambulance and er...
if anyone gets injured I can 
help out like boss.
Wow, yes that would be great 
Eddie thanks.
Also I thought could referee a 
bit, only in practice. 
Because I watch it on the telly,
just help out generally boss.
Ace, what can I say.
Oy! This is our pitch.
But we were here first, what's 
wrong with the other pitches.
This is our pitch I said. 
Why don't you take you and your 
friends and piss off.
Want me take care of ‘em Boss?
Before things get nasty
No it's easier if we just move 
on.
Piss off to the U.S. if you are 
going to play this sort of game.
You bunch of pufters.
Go on. Go on tossers. 
Go on. Go on Piss off.
Right, sorry about that. 
Okay, I'm assuming you all 
understand the basic principles 
of the game?
Okay, well lets start practising
where it all begins, the snap. 
So first of all I need a Center.
Mozzer yes? Yea you will do. 
Come here. 
Right so I'm going to be the 
Quarterback, you're the Center. 
You have to snap the ball into 
my hands. 
Basically ram it up your arse in
one swift movement. 
That's about the jist of it. 
I'll do the rest.
(Group laughter)
Hey, you're not a bender are 
you?
No I'm not. This what they do at
the start of each play. Yes?
Woah! That's too weird mate. You
touched my bollocks mate, no 
way.
(Group laughter)
You some bender or what?
I think er, 
we ought to get to know each 
other a bit better before we do 
that again.
Here you are Coach. Jenny will 
do it for you. Oh yes (laughter)
Thank you. I think we should 
just split into two teams 
and have a game of four on four,
yes?
One, two, three, BREAK. Come on.
Ready... HUT!
(aggresive shout)
Yes Coach, (celebration) come 
on.
Shit! EDDIE, EDDIE get here now.
Okay, okay, stand back, stand 
back let me have a look. 
Stand back, back, BACK!
Do you know what you are doing?
There you go son.
Up you get. How heavy are you 
bloody hell. 
It's alright boss, I've got him,
oops. Come on son.
You alright? You alright son?
Okay everybody listen up please.
Go ahead Coach.
Thanks Sean. Well that wasn't 
how I wanted to end today's 
session. 
But I hope you have all enjoyed 
what was really just a try out.
(Players) Yeah, brilliant, 
thanks, great..
We'll meet again next week, same
time. 
If you know anyone who is 
interested bring them along.  
Oh and it might be a good idea 
to find yourselves motor cycle 
helmets or something,
just so we don't have any more 
accidents like we had today. 
Alright see you next week. 
Thanks a lot. Bye.
Well, what did you think?
Yeah, really enjoyed myself 
actually. 
Yes, you even knew what you were
doing most of the time. 
Most of the time (laughs) Coach.
Hey! You're not coming in here 
with that stinky smelly outfit.
Alright. Hey love guess what? 
You're looking at Coach Simmons.
Out.
Hey listen love, it went really 
well, 
apart from the bit when they 
thought I was a puff,
but I think this is going to 
work. 
Take those smelly clothes off 
before you come in here. 
And don't think I'm washing 
them...Coach Simmons.
Alright Mavis. Go on, show's 
over.
That's it lads well done. 
Good hands Jenny, lads she's 
showing you up.
That's it keep it up, eyes open,
that's it. 
Come on lads listen to Coach. 
Right everyone. Gather around, 
gather around.
We've got five new lads. Big 
lads as well brilliant.
Right. It's good to see you all 
again, fantastic. Right then...
I thought I made it clear that, 
this is our pitch.
But you used that pitch over 
there last week.
Yeah but we want to play on this
pitch now. GET LOST.
Let me have a go at him boss.
No Eddie it's not worth it. 
Let's just move on. 
We're on the wrong pitch again. 
Come on, off you go, follow me.
Go on. Get lost you pufter, go 
on.
Go on. Get lost you pansy pussy.
(Victorious cheers)
It's alright Mozzer, come on 
lads take a breather, take a 
breather, well done.
Right that's it for this week. 
Go and get yourself home. 
Get your feet up you did well. 
See you later.
Coach, can I have a quick word.
Course you can Oaksey, what is 
it?
This is my girlfriend Angela. 
She wants to ask you if you want
to form a group of Cheerleaders.
Cheerleaders?
Yeah. I know a few girls who 
want to do it. 
I'm a dancer so I can do all the
choreography. 
I just wondered if you wanted 
anything like that?
Absolutely, of course I do yeah,
thank you very much.
That's brill, the girls will be 
dead chuffed. Thanks Coach.
Cheers, thank you.
Hey, I could of done that. Why 
didn't you say something?
What you be a cheerleader, I 
don't think so.
You fancy her don't you? You do,
you bloody fancy her.
What are you on about Jen?
I just saw you, you were looking
at her.
You've been checking the lads 
out all day.
No I haven't. You were like 
staring at her.
But it's Oaksey's misses.
And?
Well he's my mate isn't he?
But you were looking at her, 
just makes me feel...
There's no harm in looking is 
there?
Well there is actually.
Oh listen if you're going to get
jealous like that, 
why don't you just do one eh? Go
on.
Is that how you feel?
You going to carry on or we 
going back to ours?
I do everything for you.
Right what do you do for me?
I come and watch these matches.
Well you don't have to. I don't 
ask you to do I? 
Oh just go and do one Jen I 
can't be arsed. Piss off will 
you. 
No you piss off. You know what? 
I've had it.
Alright. See you later. Bye.
Well mate. We've been in 
existence eight days the team is
starting to take shape. 
And now Cheerleaders. I think 
this thing might just take off. 
What we really need is an 
American Coach, 
someone with some real 
experience you know what I mean?
I can only take this so far.
It's starting to take shape 
mate, starting to take shape, it
is.
Where are we going to find an 
American in Crewe?
What was that for?
For letting me start the 
Railroaders?
(laughs) Is that why. I thought 
that maybe that you loved me?
I do you know I do. 
Kym I've managed to sell all the
cleaning stock back to the 
sponsor. 
I'm not going to waste any more 
money on that. 
And all the money is going to go
back in the Bank.
Good. 
You really are beginning to make
more of an effort. 
But I'm still nervous though.
What about love?
I'm still waiting for another 
one of your hair brained 
schemes.
There won't be one. The 
Railroaders is all I care about 
now.
Oh and you of course!
Well just you make sure that 
money goes into the bank.
Of course.
Your pitch?
Come on lads, move along.
That's it for today guys, great 
session, great session. 
Right go and rest up and I'll 
see you next week.
Should be enough for a couple 
more helmets and pads.
You sure? I thought you had 
money problems?
No, yeah it's fine. I managed to
sell all my stock back to the 
sponsor.
Well, with this money and all 
the subs we have collected so 
far,
we've probably got enough for 
six sets of shoulder pads and 
four helmets for next week.
Magic.
Are we having a good time boys 
and girls? 
Alright lets hear it for Angie 
and Oaksey.
I thought you said you paid 
Sharky this month.
What do you mean?
You know damn well what I mean. 
You've been crapping yourself 
every time that door opens.
That obvious?
She's hardly likely to start 
anything here is she? Not with 
this lot about.
Same again?
Who's this?
Jenny I told you we're over.
Yeah, he's with me now, so just 
go.
You little cow!
Well well look who it is. The 
elusive Mister Simmons.
Hi Sharky.
Don't bloody hi Sharky me. Fifty
quid now.
I haven't got it.
We have a problem then don't we 
son.
Oh please Sharky, that's all 
I've got in the world.
I'm going to call this your 
interest payment for being late.
You still owe me three hundred 
quid.
Oh come off it Sharky
Fifty quid in two weeks time.
(sound of hit to stomach)
Fifty quid.
(Sharky's voice) Stop hitting 
people will you.
Hope you like it.
Well?
Look! I got one for myself, so 
we can wear them at the same 
time. 
How brill is that?
Don't know why I got my hopes 
up. Why did I think this year 
would be different?
Thanks love it's gorgeous.
Just like its owner.
Hey. You fancy going back to bed
for a bit? 
You never know there may be 
another present up there for 
you.
Alright I suppose we can spare 
two minutes before we go to 
your mum's.
Happy Birthday Kym.
Thanks.
It's erm, it's...it's...lovely.
When I saw it I thought of you. 
I knew you'd like it.
How's work going?
Oh Mum, you know I hate work, 
why do you always ask me?
No back bone that's your 
problem. Always after an easy 
life.
I'm not after an easy life, 
there's just more to life than 
bloody Royce's.
No need to swear and Rolls-Royce
has done your father no harm.
Sorry Mum. Anyway shouldn't have
to be there much longer, because
my team...
The only way you will be leaving
Royce's is if you win the pools 
or die. 
But why? I thought your picture 
framing business was doing well?
Mum, that was ages ago, I told 
you it didn't work out. 
I needed a shop really for that 
to work. But anyway I'm...
Always an excuse isn't there ey?
Always somebody else's fault. 
Never stick at anything for 
longer than ten minutes. 
I thought it was doing well?
Well if someone will give me a 
chance I'll tell you that....
Anyway what's for after's Petal?
Trifle. Go on what were you 
going to say?
Nothing. It doesn't matter the 
trifle is more important 
obviously.
Anyway happy birthday Kym. If it
doesn't fit you can always take 
it back alright.
Well I don't know about anybody 
else but I'm going to have some 
of this trifle.
Looks like this is our pitch 
today.
Right we've got a couple of new 
faces, so lets see some welcome 
tackles. 
Don't worry lads we will go 
easy. 
Right lets warm up one lap 
around the pitch off we go.
Sorry Boss. 
What the...
Can I have a word like?
Quickly.
Well this American guy just 
moved in the street across us.
Really?
Yeah yeah. Well it's our 
neighbour you see. 
She's a school teacher like and 
she's done this like exchange 
with an American couple. 
Have you met him yet?
Yeah, it's his wife who does the
teaching so he's got nothing to 
do. 
He said he would love to help 
out, maybe be a Coach or 
something.
When can I meet him?
Well I'll talk to him tonight 
and let you know yeah?
Coach does this mean you know, 
that I've got position of 
Center?
We'll have to see how you do 
today won't we Mozzer, come on.
Here we are son, let me have a 
look, come here. 
Which one is it? Is it this one?
What?
Woo hoo Derek.
Hi Boys.
Hiya Derek, Hi oops I 
mean..Coach (giggle). 
Got a minute to look at our 
first routine?
Er yes of course, what now?
Yes.
Alright yeah.
Just remember we have only been 
practising a short while.
Not many of you.
There will be more on the day.
Ready.. Five... six... seven... 
eight
U..L..G..Y you ain't got no 
alibi youz UGLY boy oh boy youz 
UGLY. U...L...G...Y..Youz UGLY.
U..L..G..Y you ain't got no 
alibi youz UGLY boy oh boy youz 
UGLY. U...L...G...Y..Youz UGLY.
Debbie... DEBBIE.. Put that fag 
out.
What do you think?
Yeah, erm just one thing. Ugly 
is U.G.L.Y not U.L.G.Y
Yeah, that's what we said.
Right. Keep it up.
Debbie put that fag out.
Yo! What up dog.
Hello James, you alright? This 
is Derek I was telling you 
about.
Come on in guys take a seat.
Hey thanks for inviting us over.
I can't tell you how excited we 
are and what a boost this will 
mean for the team.
I told him what you said like 
and you might be interested in 
coaching the team.
When I heard you guys were 
playin', man I bugged out. 
Listen I'll help out in any way 
I can.
Ace. So you played at college 
then?
No, I like to work out but you 
couldn't pay me to play no 
football.
Ah okay, so you just coached?
No no no never coached.
So you don't know anything about
coaching?
Listen man, if you went to the 
States right, you would know 
more about soccer 
than anybody over there, even 
though you have never been a 
coach. You feel me? 
Well I know Football, grew up 
with it dog.
Er okay suppose you have a 
point.
And I was the equipment manager 
for the Basketball team when I 
was in college. 
Watched those cats do all sorts 
of drills and exercises. 
Same thing in football, just 
need to change a few things. Hah
just call me crazy.
Okay, okay but as far as the 
team is concerned you ARE an 
American Football Coach,
a good one, the best, we're 
lucky to have you know what I 
mean
I won't say anything like.
I'm cool.
If they think you are the real 
deal they will do anything you 
say.
Woooo. This is going to be 
awesome. Listen, I'll go grab 
you cats a couple of beers 
and might as well get started on
the game plan like.. 
IMEADIATELY. Haha YES.
It gives me great pleasure to 
introduce you. Your new Head 
Coach. James Dupont.
Oy! This here is my pitch
(Coach James to derek) Hey 
what's a pitch?
(Derek) Er playing field
This Used to be your pitch 
asshole. 
No, no. You don't understand. 
This here is my pitch.
No dog. I don't think you 
understand. 
Now you have ten seconds to get 
your fat ass outta here 
or my dogs are going to use you 
as tackle dummies. You feel me?
Tossers. You are all tossers. 
Yeah, come on
Right I think that's the last we
will hear of them.
Assholes. Right guys listen up. 
Even on a beautiful day like 
today,
it's very important that we warm
up first. 
So lets get started with twenty 
star jumps. Ready, GO! 
One.... two.... three.... 
four...
Okay, Okay stop, STOP, we need 
to work on that. 
Now as your coach I would never 
ask you to do anything that I 
cannot do myself.
This exercise is called ‘The 
Killer”. Watch.
Now in a game you're going to 
get knocked down,
might even get blind-sided maybe
tripped. 
This drill gets you used to 
getting back up.
So when I say ‘hit it', you hit 
it. HIT IT.
HIT IT.
That my friends is a Killer.
Now when I saw ‘break down' you 
break down. 
When I say ‘hit it' you hit it. 
Ready. Break down.
Hit it.
Hit it.
Hit it.
Hit it.
Get up, I haven't even started 
with you guys yet. I SAID GET 
UP!
Lets keep movin', lets keep 
movin. Lets go, 
lets split into four equal 
teams. Lets go.
I'm alright, I'm fine. I've got 
to go with the lads. Eddie get 
off me.
I'm dead. Yep I'm dead.
(Music starts)
You guys are looking good, I'm 
proud of you.
Alright, good job guys good job.
We're going to get it together 
come on baby.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Get up, get up, go, keep moving,
you have to keep moving.
Break down watch the ball, watch
the ball.
well done boys.
He's going to kill us you know 
that don't you.
OK what I want is all you guys 
in two long lines about a yard 
apart. 
Okay? Let's move, let's move.
I said up.
I'm not even tired.
Up one
Down... up... down... up... 
down... up... down
Railroaders on three. One, two, 
three. RAILROADERS.
(Music ends)
Great Job. Alright guys take a 
knee for a second. You guys are 
pretty tired huh? 
Feel pretty bad? Yo listen. You 
want to play this game seriously
we got a lot of work to do guys.
First thing you got to do is get
in shape. I was kinda tough on 
you guys today, 
but you did good. It's good 
stuff man. 
Thanks Coach that was 
unbelievable, I don't think any 
of us are going to be able to 
walk tomorrow,
but thanks all the same.
Right. Now you know how serious 
we are. Yes? 
I'll see all you cool guys next 
week.
Coach James, Coach James, Coach 
James...
(Music starts)
Haha that's what I'm talkin' 
about. 
Okay guys down to your right.
(Music ends)
Oy!
I thought I told you a hundred 
times this is my garden.
Yo. Follow me.
Everybody in one line.
Now in a few seconds when I 
shout hut! My dawgs (team barks)
are going to bury your punk ass 
into the ground. 
So I suggest you find another 
pitch because we gonna use all 
these.
We ain't got all day man you got
about ten seconds to make up 
your mind. 
Ten... Nine... eight, 
seven, six, five, four, three, 
two.
One one. Ready (Team shout 
ready) Ready (team shout ready)
Down.... Set..... HUT!
Aaaah! Buggers... Buggers. 
I'm gonna friggin get you for 
this. You're dead.
Nope, still alive. It's 
Railroader time baby, Railroader
time. 
Afternoon love, is he in?
No he's not and I'm not just 
saying that.
Well can you tell him that 
unless he gets fifty quid to me 
by midnight, 
I'm going to have to take some 
action. Do you understand?
No I bloody don't understand. 
Don't you dare start threatening
me. 
I know who you are you don't 
frighten me.
Well let me enlighten you. Your 
husband borrowed money off me 
and now 
I'm here to collect or laddo 
here gets very angry.
Well I can tell you now he 
hasn't got a penny, 
not until Thursday when he gets 
paid.
Thursday you say.
Look I'll make sure he gets 
fifty quid to you by Thursday 
evening. 
That's if he's still alive after
I've finished with him.
He's a very lucky man. For your 
sake I'll wait till Thursday 
then, fifty quid.
What did you do that for?
So she understands?
Of course she understands, she 
said fifty quid.
Sorry about that love, I'll get 
you another one.
BASTARD!
Oh hiya love. Sorry I'm a bit 
late.
You liar. I thought you had 
changed. How stupid am I.
Ey? What's the matter?
I had a visit from Sharky this 
afternoon while you were out 
playing with your mates.
What? She came here.
Is that where you got the money 
from for your kit?
Yes, it was but.. I was meant to
pay her back. 
Oh come on Kym let's just get 
through the next few weeks 
and... 
I can't believe she came here.
I'm pregnant.
Pregnant?
You know how much I've wanted a 
baby. But not like this, 
not when we are in this state.
Hey, this is supposed to be the 
most happiest moment of our 
lives. 
How can I be happy when you just
won't change?
I will change.
I hope so Derek for our baby's 
sake.
Oh my God I'm going to be a Dad.
I know. That's what frightens 
me.
Hey up Dawgs the bonus has come 
in this week.
Well if it isn't my laddo. Fancy
meeting you here like this on 
Pay Day.
Wages now.
Oh come on Sharky you can't take
all my wages, my wife is 
pregnant, 
I need to buy stuff.
Well it's Lucky for you I like 
your wife, so I'm only taking 
what I am owed.
Two weeks time another fifty 
quid. You understand?
And here, make sure your wife 
gets this.
Well, well, well, helmet cheese.
Come here.
You're dead.
I'm really sorry love. It was 
Sharky. She jumped me and took 
my wages.
I told her I would get fifty 
quid to her by tonight. 
You know I've a good mind to 
call the Police and report that 
bitch.
No, No that would just make 
things worse, my mess, I'll sort
it.
What's all that about?
Don't ask.
Five, six, seven, eight, 
lets go Railroaders, let's go 
Railroaders, Lets go Railroaders
Five, six, seven, eight, 
C R E W E Railroaders (claps) 
Railroaders (claps) 
Rail.....roaders! Wooooh!
What to you think Coach?
Magic that Angie yeah. You've 
come on leaps and bounds.
Do you mean that?
Absolutely yeah and there are 
more of you.
Yeah, I auditioned more. Thanks 
Derek
Get another helmet and set of 
pads with that.
Where's this come from?
We got a bonus this week at 
work. It's okay Kym knows.
We better keep an eye on him.
(Coach James voice) Alright guys
show is over. Stop looking at 
them skirts,
lets get back to work.
If he starts getting shifty give
Eddie a shout or something.
OK guys listen up. Today is your
last chance to fight for the 
position you want. 
We are going to play Offense 
verses Defense in game situation
and go out there like a bunch of
crazed dawgs.(Team barks)
Here are the starting line ups, 
take a look and get into 
positions
(Players) Cadillac, come on.
Sorry Coach.
Hey guys check this out.
It's not real you pillocks, it's
just a pellet gun. Cover me 
though yeah?
Ready... Break
Down... set... 
(pellet strikes hand)
Oh you don't want a penalty 
boys.
Hey hey hey what is wrong with 
you guys today.
What's up Coach?
What do you mean what's up? Do I
look like Stevie Wonder? I can 
see the gun.
It was just a joke Coach. 
Christ.
It wasn't funny. I ought to 
shoot you in the ass. Get back 
in the huddle.
We still get the five yards 
(laughs)
In the huddle (sighs)
(Music starts)
(Music ends)
Quiet. 
I can't believe your attitudes 
out here today. 
Do you think this is some sort 
of Joke?
Do you think I'm here to watch 
you guys jerk around?
If this is just a big joke to 
you guys.. I'm gone.
Look guys, this attitude is 
really starting to piss me off. 
You've got to start taking this 
seriously. I thought we had 
something here, 
I thought we all wanted to play 
American Football on a National 
scale.
From this point on this becomes 
serious or not at all. 
Right everybody in. Sean come 
on. Cheerleaders.
One..two..three
RAILROADERS.
Was that the post?
Yeah, yeah just a letter from 
the UKAFA fixtures of who we are
playing this season.
Nothing important then.
Right better go.
See you later then.
Right lads. Thanks for coming at
such short notice but let me 
tell you it's good news.
I have here the official 
schedule.
Our season begins away at 
Hereford.
But you want to know something 
really interesting? 
I got a phone call from the 
Leamington Royals, 
they want to play a pre-season 
game here in Crewe.
We've got four weeks before our 
first game.
Yes, this is it Sean, this is 
it.
Derek. These cats ain't ready 
man. They might think they are 
ready,
but they are not even close. 
Four weeks ain't enough.
What do you know you're not even
a real coach.
What the hell is wrong with you 
man? 
I don't have to be a coach to 
understand these cats ain't 
ready. 
What's gotten into yo man?
I'll tell you what's gotten into
me. In four weeks time, good or 
bad, win or lose,
do or die, we play our first 
game and that's final.
Have I missed something?
Little bit of an atmosphere.
Okay Mister Stanyer is ready to 
see you now.
...you're not making any sense 
whatsoever, the Cumberland 
Sports ground would be ideal.
As I mentioned before the only 
place available that matches 
your criteria 
are the Middlewich playing 
fields.
But we are the Crewe 
Railroaders, not the Middlewich 
Railroaders.
I'm sorry but that's all I can 
offer you at such short notice.
But look, the Cumberland Sports 
ground is free that weekend, 
why can't you just let us it. We
are expecting a big crowd.
The Cumberland Athletic Track is
the pride and joy of the county.
You can't seriously be 
suggesting that we turn over our
flagship facility for you to 
churn up.
So you would rather let it stand
empty than let us use it. 
Is that what you are saying?
The offer of Middlewich still 
stands. I am trying my best to 
accommodate you.
No. You are treating this sport 
like everybody else. Like we are
some kind of freak show. 
Well, it's not the last you have
heard of this I'm writing to my 
M.P. 
She'll appreciate what we are 
doing for Crewe. 
We are going to be representing 
this town up and down the 
country and you are not even 
helping us. 
I've done all I can.
Well we'll see about that.
Come on guys, take a knee deep 
breaths. 
How we feeling? 
So this is it guys. Next time 
you put on your helmets you will
be playing your first game.
Listen up everybody. I picked up
the Jerseys, we've got some kit.
Right lads bring it in.
One, two, three, RAILROADERS
Any news on the ground?
No, I'm going to have to go into
the council and suck up one last
time.
Look man, just cancel the game.
I can't.
Come on dawg. We don't have a 
place to play, 
the team ain't ready and I'm 
telling you somebody is goin' to
get hurt man.
No, this game goes ahead. I need
this game to go ahead.
This is not about you anymore 
man, this is about the team, 
what's best for the team. 
No, it is about me. This was my 
idea, this is my team I stand to
lose everything because of it 
and I mean everything. So I say 
we play Sunday.
Oh for God's sake. What now? 
This has got to stop. I'm not in
the mood for this. 
You wanna fight? Lets fight. 
Come on I'm fucking ready, I'm 
fucking ready.
I want to play.
You want to play?
Yeah.
Sean! We need a new jersey.
Kym what's all this? What's 
going on?
I've had enough of your lies.
What do you mean?
This fell out of your jacket 
when I was putting it away.
When were you going to tell me? 
Unless we come up with the money
by next Monday then we would 
lose the house. 
Is that still the situation?
I'm not stupid Derek, I know 
where the money has gone. 
On that fucking football team.
Kym please, we play our first 
game next Sunday, 
the gate receipts will pay off 
all our debts. 
It will all have been worth it.
We will not lose the house. 
Look at me, look at me. We will 
not lose the house. 
Please don't leave me.
Oh I wasn't leaving, that's full
of your clothes. 
This house obviously means 
nothing to you. 
Sort this mess out or I'm 
throwing you out. I mean it 
Derek.
Two hundred quid? You want me to
loan you another two hundred 
quid? 
Well you got some balls I'll 
give you that much.
Ain't he? Got some balls like?
Yes, balls!
Please Sharky I'm in big 
trouble.
You are in big trouble my lad. 
With me. You owe me... 
Ooh lets see... two hundred and 
fifty quid.
Bit too fruity that, let him go.
Look. I'll be able to give you 
some of it back on Sunday out of
the gate receipts.
Really? Well how does this 
sound? 
We'll see you Sunday to collect 
two hundred and fifty quid. 
And no you can't have another 
two hundred you cheeky sod. 
I can't make Sunday. It's my 
mothers birthday.
Your mothers birthday? Do you 
know what, I can't run a 
business like this. 
Your sacked. I'll bloody well go
myself.
Sunday. Two hundred and fifty 
quid or else.
Ey up toss pot.
I er... I  hate to ask but don't
suppose you can you lend me two 
hundred quid?
Very funny. What do you want?
I'm serious Gerry, I need two 
hundred quid.
Oh mate I haven't got it.
Alright. I'd just thought I'd 
ask.
Well yeah of course I've got it,
I'm just not giving it to you.
So that's the situation, 
including this weeks wages I 
need one hundred and sixty quid
or else they will kick us out of
the house.
Why am I not surprised?
Answer me this. Did you spend 
your money on the football team?
I told you, I bloody well told 
you. 
Alright look. I get the picture,
I'm useless, I'm pathetic, I've 
heard it all before. 
All I want to know is will you 
lend me one hundred and sixty 
quid?
What? He'll only go and do it 
all again won't he?
I knew it was a waste of time 
coming here, don't know why I 
bothered.
Hey! That's right, it's all our 
fault isn't it? 
There is always somebody else to
blame but yourself. 
Derek wait.
Mum thank you. I'll give it you 
back on Monday after we have 
played our game yeah?
You just make sure you use it to
pay off the arrears and don't 
tell your Dad.
Oh hello. Can I speak to the 
head of sports and recreation 
please.
Hello.... yes speaking..... 
yes.... oh yeah.... really? 
....right okay .... 
Well yeah that's amazing... 
Thank you.... Half and hour? 
Yes I can be there in half an 
hour... Alright thank you very 
much, see you.
YES..YES
What's up with you?
We've got the Cumberland Sports 
ground to play our games at. 
Oh love things are looking up 
for us. Did you call in sick for
me?
Yes.
Great. I'll pay this in then.
Well it seams that the plight of
your team had quite an impact on
a certain Member of Parliament.
Therefore after much 
deliberation, we, the council 
have decided that 
the Cumberland Athletic track 
will be made available to you 
this Sunday.
Of course there will be a 
nominal hire charge, 
but we have reduced the fee to 
one hundred and forty pounds. 
A hundred and forty pounds?
Yes. Yes it would normally be 
two hundred pounds. 
Oh and we need that now so we 
can get everything moving.
Shit.
I'll just get you a receipt 
then. Are you okay?
There we are.
No no sorry can't do it, can't 
do it, I need that money. 
Look can we please pay you out 
of the gate receipts?
I'm sorry you can't charge the 
public for admission into the 
game. 
Our public liability insurance 
doesn't cover American Football.
We can't charge admission?
No.
We need to charge admission. You
don't understand.
Well sorry... you can't.
I'll give you seven days. Seven 
days to pay after the game. 
That's the best I can do.
Thank you.
So the money you've been giving 
me for the pads and helmets 
should have been paying off your
bills off?
I thought we'd get it all back 
from the gate receipts. I've 
been an idiot mate.
So we definitely can't charge 
admission?
Nope. And now I owe my mum 
hundred and sixty quid, Sharky 
two hundred and fifty. 
I've not made any payments on 
the bloody phone for months 
and they are about to cut the 
electricity off. God what a 
mess.
Does Kym know all this?
But you paid your rent arrears 
off.
Yes. At least that's safe for 
the time being. 
I'll tell Kym after the game on 
Sunday about everything else.
(Crowd noise)
Why was no one taking money at 
the gate? 
Don't worry love I'm sure it's 
all been taken care of.
He's forgot to organise it ain't
he? Wouldn't surprise me, you 
know what he's like.
Hey hey hey, calm down, calm 
down. Listen up..Hey listen up.
I was just talking to the refs 
and we got problems.
Come on Jenny out
(Rude comments and wolf 
whistles)
Alright chill chill chill 
everybody chill out. Check it 
out everbody must have a mouth 
piece. 
You will not be allowed to play 
unless you have one. If you 
don't have one raise your hand.
You guys are going to have to 
share with each other man.
Hey hey hey. Don't quit on me 
now guys. It's that or you don't
play, what do you want to do?
Play.
Well find some dawg to share 
your mouth guard with
Hey Danny, DANNY. Want to share 
with me like.
(Cheerleaders chanting routine)
Hey you!
Derek why is no one collecting 
money.
Sorry luv I'll tell you later.
James I need to apologize. You 
are a great coach and we 
couldn't have done it without 
you.
No worries. It's Been a blast 
man. Just hope nobody gets hurt.
I still don't think these dudes 
are ready.
You're probably right.
Come on we've got a game to 
play.
Alright baby it's game time, 
it's game time.
Railroaders on three. one, two, 
three.
RAILROADERS
(Players and crowd Clapping)
(Railroaders cheer)
Break!
(Whistle)
Down... set... hut
(Music starts)
(Music ends)
We're getting murdered Coach.
Hey hey hey. Lift your heads up.
You have nothing to be down 
about. Alright? 
Lets go back out there and have 
some fun. Today is all about 
learning the game. 
Come on man what happened to my 
crazed dawgs.
(half hearted dog woofs)
Alright listen up. They are 
keying on Oaksey. They are over 
pursuing. 
Let's try the reverse we worked 
on.
The reverse?
The reverse. It's going to be 
wide open, nobody is over there.
Just tuck the ball away and 
you've got it. Alright?
Okay.
Enthusiasm guys. Enthusiasm come
on bring it in.
Railroaders on three. one, two, 
three.
RAILROADERS
(Music starts)
(Loud hit - Music ends)
Come in love. Just about 
finished.
I'll be back in a minute with 
those tablets.
Sean's here. He wanted you to 
know that you lost 50-13.
Love that's not important.
Kym need to talk, I need to tell
you something.
I know you don't think so but I 
love you and I'm so sorry but...
Ah there you go. 
These will ease the pain a bit 
(laughs). 
Oh dear the sooner we get you 
get home the better.
That's it he's ready to go now.
I really need to tell you...
Not now love. There's something 
you need to see first. Come on.
Sean told me what an asshole 
you've been. Funding the team, 
neglecting your family. 
That's not cool man. Not cool at
all.
So we took up a collection after
the game. 
These dawgs really appreciate 
you putting everything on the 
line for them. 
There's enough there to cover 
most of your debt and pay for 
the ground fees
Don't do it again. You hear me?
I'll look after that.
Wow! I don't know what to say 
(laughs)
Well I know we lost. I've broke 
my bloody arm. But today has 
turned out pretty special for 
me.
You guys are family and I thank 
you from the bottom of my heart.
Ahead of us is the first season 
of American Football on these 
shores. 
And I can't wait to step out 
there with you. 
But I need to spend some time 
with someone I've been 
neglecting far too long.
Hey don't think you are off the 
hook that easily Simmons. We 
have a lot to talk about.
Alright you crazy dawgs, bring 
it in.
One....two....three...
RAILROADERS!!!
