
Japanese: 
やあ！ボサボサ頭で登場！
ジャックセプチィスアイの
おかしな自宅ビデオへようこそ！
今回も、僕の小さな妖精たちが世界中を回ってきたよ
以前、彼らはインターネット中をかけ回ったんだ
僕たちがウケる可能性のある
超面白い動画を探すためにね。
だけど、今回は日本に焦点を当てたよ
そう、その通りさ。コンニチハ！
（苦笑）
とにかく、今日は日本の
変なCMを見ていくことにするよ
だって、よく見てみてよ、日本のCMって...
常に世界でも有数の最高なCMなんだから！
素晴らしいよ！
これから見ていくのにもう褒めちゃってるけどね笑
これから見ていくのはきっと面白いはずだよ
えっと…この動画はこれにリアクションをしておくれ
って誰かから勧められたものなんだ。だって...
それが、ちょっぴり馬鹿げているからね。
だけど、多分いくつかはすでに見たことがあると思う
全部じゃないけどね
でも、面白いことを願うよ。よし。
（タイトル）変で、面白くて、かっこいい日本のCM
（ポテチのCM）
 

English: 
Hey!! Vsauce! Nest head here!
back with another episode of 'Jacksepticeye's Funniest Home Videos'!
This time, my little elves have been all over the world
Before, they went all over the internet to try and find the funniest home videos
that we could possibly laugh to, but this time they went all the way to Japan!
That's right! Konnichi wa! (that's "hello" in Japanese)
*laugh*
*chuckling* Anyway, today we're gonna be looking at WEIRD Japanese commercials,
because, let's face it, Japanese commercials are...
the best commercials that the world has to offer
all the time! They're amazing! I've s- I've- well, I have some compilations here that I am gonna look through
that I think are gonna be good.
Ahmm... This was suggested by somebody to try and react to some of these because...
they get a little crazy, but I've probably seen some of them,
just not all of them,
but I hope they make us laugh. Okay.
Weird, funny and cool Japanese commercials
*commercial's background music*
(the goalkeeper could not defend the goal, so the dog "Punch" will try to cheer her up)
Jingle: "Consomme! Consomme! New consomme punch!" (it's a potato chip flavor)

Japanese: 
（困惑）
え、え、何…？
 
え、子供に何を教えているの？？
 
おけ（×4）
わかるでしょ。準備できてると思ってたのに。
変なものだとは思ってたけど、
ここまで変だとは思ってなかった。
狂ってるとかじゃなくて、言葉も出ないよ。
一番最初でね…（苦笑）
なんてこった！オッケー。
これは頭の中で反芻しないとね。
もう一度戻って、まとめ直しだ
そしてここに戻ってこないと...
もっと強靭な精神を持ってね。
だって準備できてなかったから。
よし、息を鼻から吸って…
口から出す
よし、準備万端だ。かかってこいや！
（ソフトバンクのCM）
イエス！！
 

English: 
Jingle: "It's not a fist punch - consomme punch" (the chips are consomme soup flavored,  which carry a bit more bite ("punch") than the lightly salted chips)
Jack: Wh-what? Wha-?
Jingle: "You'll feel its tastiness - consomme punch"
Jingle: "Consomme! Consomme! New consomme punch!"
Jack: What're- What are you teaching the kids??
Jingle: "Consomme, consomme, consomme punch!"
Jingle:"Cheer up with a punch - consomme punch!"
Jack: Okay (x4)
You know what? I thought I was ready, I thought: 'Oh, they're gonna be weird but...'
'...nothing can be that weird, it's not gonna be that crazy that's gonna make me speechless.'
First video... *chuckles*
Hoooly crap! Okay, I need to reconvene in my head.
I need to back off, jack off and regroup,
and come back to this...
like, with a better mentality, 'cause I'm not ready.
Okay, in through the nose...
*INTENSE INHALE*
...out through the mouth
*excelent exhale*
Okay, I'm ready. Okay, lay it on me, buttercup.
Operator: "We're now connected live"
Jack: "OH YESS!" (the dog is "Otōsan", the father in the "Shirato Family" ("White Family") commercial series - suspension of disbelief is required from now on)
Kōjirō (son): "So? How is it out there?"

English: 
Otōsan (father): "I'm like a fish out of water" (or literally, "floating").
Masako (mom): "But you were already a fish out of water in our family" (referring to him being a dog)
Jack: "Oh, I love this! I want dogs to be able to talk!"
Otōsan (father): "Huh? What was that?"
Masako (mom): "Oh, nothing"
Kōjirō (son): "You're good at dog paddling!"
Otōsan: "Shut up!"
Masako & Kōjirō: *chuckles*
Otōsan: What happened to Aya? (Aya is his daughter)
Jack: *imitating Otōsan* "Aya wa dō shita?" 
Masako: "Now, it looks like she's busy at work with the new Amazing Smartphone campaign"
Aya (daughter): "This is the Amazing Smartphone campaign. 'AmaSma' (SugoSuma), for short"
Jack: "Wha-? "
Otōsan: "Ayaaaaaa!" *yelling*
Jack: *laughter*
Aya: "Be silent for a moment!" (Otōsan is interrupting her work)
Otōsan: I'm sorry...
Jack: "Wait, what was that for?"
What was I just sold?
I mean, I love it. I- I wanna buy whatever it is, just tell- I- I need to know what that was
I don't know. It was just a talking dog in space, and then it was able to talk down to the lady and they were 'WHAT'
*hypnotic chant-jingle*
Jack: "I'm into this one. This one's incredible. 'Galbo twist' "
*hypnotic chant-jingle continues*
Lady: "I'll show you how crunchy Galbo Twist is" (Galbo is a line of chocolate snacks)
Jack: "Yes, I agree."
*hypnotic chant-jingle restarts*
Jack: *laughter*

Japanese: 
 
（爆笑）
これ好きだわぁ。話せる犬が欲しい〜
 
アヤハドウシタ
え...？
（爆笑）
ちょっと待てよ。なんのCMだよ、これ。
何を売るためのものだったの？
これ好きだわ。なんでもいいけど、これは買うわ。
なんだったのかは知りたいけどね。
ワカンねぇ…。
宇宙に話せる犬がいて、女性に話しかけて、、、
で…何だこれ？
（ガルボツイストのCM）
これハマったわ。めっちゃいい。ガルボツイスト
うん。わかるよ。
（笑）

Japanese: 
ビーエス？
ガルボツイストゥ
（笑）ガルボツイスト欲しいわ
美味しそうだもん。Takis Fuegoみたいだね
フエゴォー！
今欲しい。腹減ったわ。
ああ、撮っちゃダメだね。大体の日本のCMって食べ物についてであることに気づいてなかったよ。
お腹が減ってる時に、
こんなことを収録すべきじゃないね。
ううっ...
（iPhoneを食べようとする）
オエェ
（CMのまね）
（ストロングゼロのCM）
ストロング、ズウィエロ！
え、なんで彼には水がかかって、
彼女にはかからないんだよ？
待って、え、ちょっと待つんだ
止めて、待って、止めるんだ！
（笑）何が起こってるのかを
理解するチャンスすらなかったぞ！
おけ…（笑）
なんてこった！
わかった、彼女は飲んだんだね。
彼に水をぶちまけながら。
それは…興奮するね（え）

English: 
Jack:"b s?"
Announcer: "The reason why twisted Galbo is tasty - new Galbo Twist"
Jack: "Garubo twisto."
*chuckle*  I want some Galbo twists,
they look delicious. They look like umm... 'Takis fuego'
fuegoooo (that's "fire" in Spanish)
I want some now. God, I'm hungry.
Ugh, don't record- I- I fail to realize that most Japanese commercials are all about food,
and I should not record these things while I'm hungry.
*sad uncomfortable groan*
(CRONCH)
Eugh!
*sings Japanese commercial song*
Lady: "Doing a news coverage of a hot spring is the best!"
Guy: "Yeah...Ah!"
Jack: "STRONG ZERO!"
Lady: "Strong grapefruit!" (Strong zero is a brand of sweet alcoholic beverages)
Guy: "There's no way I'll lose! I can do it too: strong..."
Lady: "Wait!"
Guy: "Yes?"
Lady: "At what time do we have to take the bullet train tomorrow?"
Guy: "Tomorrow? Tomorrow...Tomorrow..."
Jack: "Wha- Why did it work on him and not her?"
Lady: "Strong grapefruit!"
Announcer: "196 Strong Zero"
(they produce the beverage by freezing an entire fruit in liquid nitrogen at -196˚ C - locking in its flavor - and soaking it in alcohol)
Jack: "Wait- what- no, hold on."
Lady: "Ah..."
Jack: "Stop- wait- what- Stop!"
*chuckle* I didn't even have a chance to figure out what the fuck was going on
*while chuckling* Okay
*while chuckling* Jesus Christ!
Okay, she drank it, sprayed water all over him.
That's... hot

English: 
Then he drank it, nothing happened, got cockblocked, and- I- you know what?
Let's move on
We don't need to understand what's going on
It's 'Jacksepticeye's funniest home videos', not 'Jacksepticeye's what the hell was that?'
(I mean, at this point, it kinda is tho)
That's a great series idea... WRITE IT DOWN!
Elderly man: "Bruce, tofu is good for your body!"
Young man: "It's low in calories and also low in price" (that's also what's written on the cue card)
Jack: "Why is Bruce Willis in someone's-"
Bruce: "Low in price?"
Bruce: "Daihatsu Mira e:S!" (it's an eco-friendly car)
Elderly man: "Well remembered, Bruce!"
Jack: "What?!"
Young man: "It runs 30 kilometers per liter" (the cue card also says "moreover, it's cheap")
Jack: "BRUCE WILLIS SPEAKS JAPANESE!"
I- no, I nee- I need more of that in my life.
Go back, I wanna hear Bruce Willis speak in Japanese again.
Young man: "It's low in calories and also low in price"
Bruce: "Low in price?"
Bruce: *yelling* "Daihatsu Mira e:S!" (the "e:S" kinda sounded like "ISH")
Elderly man: "Well remember-..."
Jack: *yelling* "Daihatsu Mira ISH!"
and he's just beating on his head. This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
Elderly man: "-ed, Bruce!"
Young man: "It runs 30 kilometers per liter"
Jack: *laughter*
Oh, Bruce...
I hope you got paid well for that *laughter*
That is so out of character for him

Japanese: 
でも、彼が飲んだ時は、何も起こらなくて、
ビショビショにもならなかった。わかるよね？
次だ、次。
何が起きているかなんて理解しなくていいんだよ
『Jacksepticeyeの”面白い”動画集』だからね。『Jacksepticeyeのあれはなーんだ？』ではないからね。
これはいいアイデアだ。書き残しておけ！
（ダイハツ：イースのCM）
なんでブルース・ウィリスが...
はぁ！？
ブルース・ウィリスが日本語を喋ってる！！
こ、これはもっと見ておかないと
巻き戻しだ。
ブルース・ウィリスの日本語をもう一度聞きたい！
ダイハツミライース！！
そして、自分の頭を叩いてるし。
これは僕の中で一番だ。
ああ、ブルース...
いいギャラだったことを願うよ（笑）
あれは彼のキャラからかけ離れているよ...

English: 
He is normally, like, stone-faced and doesn't give a shit about anything anymore.
ISHH!
Jack: "YES!"
Jingle: "When it comes to (literally, "if you're speaking of") bananas, (leave it to) Dole man" (Dole is a food company)
Jack: "YES! *claps* I love these ones, the banana ones".
Jingle: "This might be pushy, but I've decided that"
Jingle: "I want to cheer up you and her"
Jingle: "(So I make) bananas sprout"
Dole (banana) man: "Ha ha ha ha!"
Jingle:"I am Dole man!"
*laughter*
*Banana is Dole*
Jack: It's incredible! It's the world's greatest piece of art
that has ever been created. There's more of them. There's more of them; we should watch another one
Jack: There he is
Jingle:"Dole man is a business guy"
Jack: "He's a working man, he's a people's man"
Jingle: "Office love is also waiting its turn <3"
Jack: "He... is banana man"
Jingle: "Even big projects"
Jingle: "Turn into something else with (his) banana power"
Jack: *chuckles*
Jingle: "Good job, Dole man!" (it says "conclusion (completion) of negotiations" on the back)
*Everyone's banana - Dole*
I love it! It's just such wholesome content! Thank you, banana man! You saved our business!
Man: "Oh, I took it off!"
Man: "Eh?"
Cheerleaders: "S! U! Ultra multi-purpose!" (it's a superglue)
Jack: "What am i buying?"
Man: "What? Don't do it!"
Jack: "S! U!"
Cheerleaders: "S! U! Ultra multi-purpose!"
Man: "Ahhhhhh!"
Jack: "Toothpaste!"
Jack: "Are we buying toothpaste? We are!"
Man: "Is this it?"
Announcer: "Glue is..."
Cheerleaders: "...Bond! Ultra multi-purpose SU!"

Japanese: 
彼はいつもは、石みたいな顔して、
どんなことにも動じないのに。
イース！！
（ドールのCM）
やったぁ！
（ドールのCM）
キタコレ！
 
これ好きだわ。このバナナのやつ。
これはめっちゃいいよ！世界で最も偉大な芸術だよ。
これまでに作られたものの中でね。
まだあるんだよ。見るべきものが他にもあるんだ。
これこれ。
彼は働く人であり、そしてみんなの人なんだ
彼こそが...
バナナマンだ
（爆笑）
大好きだわ！為になるコンテンツだよ。
ありがとうバナナマン。僕たちの仕事を救ってくれて
何を買うのこれ？
S！U！
歯磨き粉だ！
歯磨き粉買ってるんでしょ？やっぱり
まだわかんないよ。接着剤か歯磨き粉だったのか。

English: 
Jack: I still don't know: is that superglue or
toothpaste? That's a very big
misunderstanding because if I brush my teeth with superglue then...well actually
I'll shut up like everybody wants me to, so that would probably be good. Maybe I should buy
some of that and brush it on my teeth
*through teeth*  and then I'll talk like this forever
*chuckles*
I already love this *chuckling*
Do you ever find yourself half stuck in a wall trying to get to Hogwarts but the
train leaves before you can get through the wall? Me too.
Oh, what are you selling? Please be
selling... Is this, like, an ad for condoms? 
*Escape enthusiasts, unite*
Announcer: "The odds of escaping successfully are 1 in a hundred thousand"
Announcer: "Despair fortress"
*escape labyrinth attraction* (it's a real escape game attraction from the Fuji-Q Highland amusement park)
Jack: What?
Was that for, like, an escape room or
prison or something?
I'd still like to think it's for condoms; it's like 'it almost got through, but it didn't, you're not pregnant'
'calm down, okay, I know'
'Y- You are not the father... mother... person...'
Jack: "GameBoy!"

Japanese: 
それは大きな誤解だよ。
だって、歯を接着剤で磨いてしまったら...
まじで黙っちゃうからね。みんなが望むようにね。
そっちの方がいいだろうし、いくつか買って、
それで歯を磨くべきなのかもしれない。
そしたら、ずっとこんな風に話すからね。
（苦笑）
（遊園地のCM）
すでに好きだわ（笑）
ホグワーツ（ハリーポッターの学校）に行こうとしたけど、壁に体半分が詰まってしまって、、、
壁から抜け出す前に電車が行ってしまったのかい？
僕もだ
あぁ、何を売ってるんだろ。
コンドームのCMか何かかな？
え？
これって、脱出ゲームか監獄か何かかい？
まだコンドームのCMだと思っていたいわ。
もう少しで通り抜けられそうでも、抜けられない。
妊娠できないんだ
落ち着けって。いいかい？
君たちはお父さんやお母さんや…
人ではないことを知っているけれども...
（ポケモンのCM）
ゲームボーイだ！

Japanese: 
ポケモンモンスター？
ポケマスター？
え、何？
これが古き時代のポケモンの売り方？
ひどいな、これ！
これは良くないな（笑）
彼女は何かポケモンについて言ってたけど、他の人は「は？どっかいけよ、変なの」
そのあと彼女は
「オォォイ(☝︎ ՞ਊ ՞)☝︎！」
って感じになってた
このCM見た後、
僕ならそれ以上ポケモンをやりたくないね
よくないCMだ
笑わせてくれたから、いいのかもしれないけど
（シャーペンの芯のCM）
（爆笑）
あのメガネよ！
全部シャー芯でできてたぞ！
というか、グラファイトだな。
まじでケーキ切るのにグラファイトを使ってるの？

English: 
Lady: "Hey, hey, don't you want a match against my Pocket Monsters?"
(this is the first Japanese Pokémon commercial, for Pokémon Red and Green)
Jack: "Pokémon monster?"
Elderly men: "Who are you?"
Jack: "Pocket monster?"
Lady: *flamboyantly* "Ooooh!"
*Psyduck cry*
Announcer: "There are 150 kinds of monsters in total"
Jack: "Wh- What?"
Announcer: "You can trade monsters with each other with the Game Link Cable"
Announcer: "If you play it on the Super Game Boy, (you'll see) beautiful colors"
Jack: Is this how they sold Pokémon back in the day? This is terrible!
Announcer: "It's the role-playing (game) that will make you more friends" (it says "Pokémon friends" in the middle)
Announcer: "Pocket monsters"
Jack: That was not good! *laughs*
She said something about pokémon and then they were like, 'No, get out of here you fuckin' weirdo'
And then she was like, 'ooooh!'
I do not want to play pokémon more after seeing that commercial
That was a bad commercial
Made me laugh though, so I guess it works
Announcer: "Graphite (love) confession" (it says "like/love" on the paper sheet)
Girl: "I'm sorry" Announcer: "Graphite goodbye"
Announcer: "Graphite rain of sadness"
Announcer: "Graphite thermometer"
Guy: *sneezes* (he caught a cold from being in the "rain")
Announcer: "Graphite glasses"
Girl: "Are you all right?"
Jack: *laughing*
Announcer: "Graphite falling in love/ Graphite (love) confession number 2"
Jack: "Those fucking glasses!" 
Announcer: "Graphite 'hitting the target' "
Announcer: "Graphite duet"
Jack: "Everything's made out of pencil lead!"
Announcer: "Graphite proposal"
Announcer: "Graphite paternal opposition"
Jack: "or... 'graphito' "
Announcer: "Graphite 'this is insignificant, but...' " (it's a default polite phrase when giving a present to someone)
Announcer: "Graphite 'okay' " (giving them his blessing)
Announcer: "Graphite cake cutting ceremony"
Jack: "Are they really using graphite to cut their cake?"
Announcer: "By the way, graphite is mechanical pencil lead" (punchline: they've been used graphite for everything, except for its intended use as mechanical pencil lead).

Japanese: 
なんだよこれ！
グラファイト（墨）を売ろうとするのに
一番いい方法だよ。
まぁこれしか方法はないわけだけどね。
今後のためにグラファイトの大きな備蓄が欲しいよ。
コンベンションでもツアーでもどこでも君たちと会ったときに、グラファイトを僕にくれよな！
いや、ぶっちゃけしなくていいよ
だって、みんなまじで持ってくるからね。
みんな変なものを送ってくるんだ。
冗談で言ってるだけなのにね。
送らなくていいからね！！
それが面白いと思ってるだけだから。
待って、なんで彼はグラファイトを腕の下に...
ボンボンがシャー芯だwww
髪の毛がシャー芯でないことには驚きだけどね
これは意味がわかんないよ
何が書かれてたんだろ。
彼女はゴメンナサイって言って、走り去ってたな。
だから明らかに、
告白を受け入れなかったんだろうね。
なぜ？なんで脇に挟んでるの？
何かに使ってるのかな？それとも折ろうとしている…？
（笑）このメガネよ！

English: 
Jack: What the fuck? That is the best way I've ever seen someone try to sell me graphite.
Actually, it's the only way anyone has ever tried to sell me graphite.
I want a big stockpile of graphite from now on. If you meet me at a convention, if you meet me
on tour, if you meet me anywhere, just give me graphite. Actually, no, don't
because people will take that seriously, people...people have sent me weirder
things uhh, by me saying a joke so
don't send me that shit! I just think
that that's hilarious. Wait, why did he have graphite under his arm?
Announcer: "Graphite cheerleader"
Jack: "Their pom-poms are just pieces of pencil lead!"
Announcer: "Graphite falling in love"
Jack: "I'm surprised his hair isn't pencil lead"
Announcer: "Graphite (love) confession" (it says "like/love" on the paper sheet)
Girl: "I'm sorry" Announcer: "Graphite goodbye"
Announcer: "Graphite rain of sadness"
Jack: "I don't know what that meant"
Jack: "What was written on that? She just said 'gomen nasai' and then ran away, so obviously"
Jack: "she didn't take the proposal."
Announcer: "Graphite thermometer" 
Guy: *sneezes*
Girl: "Are you all-"
Jack: Why? Why is it in his arm?
Is he using it? Is he trying to break it?
*laughs* The fucking glasses!
Oh, Japan, you're the best

Japanese: 
ああ、日本よ！最高だ
あー、グラファイトォ告白ね。
だから彼は女子に告白していたわけね。
グラファイトと共に。で、彼女は「ノー」と言って、
彼のペンシルのような心が折れたんだ。
それで、彼は諦めて、今度はグラファイト眼鏡を身につけた別の女の子を見つけたんだ
で、告白してグラファイトと共に
ずっと生きることになったんだね
あのパートが何言ってるか知りたいんだ
だって、全部が良くて、全部が素晴らしくて、、、
で最後に、
「ところでグラファイトはなんたら…」
って言い出すんだ
多分、あれって大したことではないんだと思う
NANI?!ってほどにね
（キリンのCM）
キリン！キリンイチバン！
僕のお気に入りの日本のビールだ！
（小声で）アサヒの次にね
これはダメだね。これはひどい。
これは変なCMではないね。
これはかっこよくて、面白くて、変ではないね。
普通だね。
それがこれだ

English: 
Announcer: "Graphite proposal"
Announcer: "Graphite paternal opposition"
Jack: Ahhh, 'graphito proposal'.
So he tried to get...he tried to ask the other girl out with
graphite and she said 'no', broke his
little pencil heart; his heart's in the
shape of graphite...and then he moved on, and then he found someone with graphite
glasses and asked her out, and they lived 'graphite' ever after
Announcer: "By the way, graphite is mechanical pencil lead" (punchline: they've been used graphite for everything, except for its intended use as mechanical pencil lead).
Jack: I wanna know what that part means
Announcer: "By the way, graphite is mechanical pencil lead" (punchline: they've been used graphite for everything, except for its intended use as mechanical pencil lead).
Jack:  'cuz everything was great, everything was wonderful, and then they started taking
graphite, and then she said something about it being like 'by the way, graphite's shit'
'and it won't actually do any of the
things you just said' and then they were like
'NANI?!'
*Turning tastiness into smiles - Kirin*
(the song "Hurly Burly" starts playing) 
Lyrics: "Hurly Burly Party"
Jack: "Kirin! Kirin Ichiban!"
Lyrics: "Mysterious taste"
Jack: "My favorite Japanese beer..."
 Lyrics: "Hurly Burly Party"
Jack: "...right after Asahi" 
Lyrics: "Bursting feeling"
Lyrics: "Hurly Burly Party / Juicy juicy sweety"
Announcer: "The world bursts dazzlingly"
(it says "During pregnancy - Let's stop drinking during lactation" on the bottom left)
Jack: "This is- this is bad."
Announcer: "Kirin freezing (alcohol)" ("Kirin freezing" - Hyouketsu - is vodka diluted with fruit flavored carbonated water)
Jack: That was terrible; that's not a weird Japanese commercial
It's not cool, funny or weird. It's just...regular.
That's what you'd see here.

English: 
NEXT COMMERCIAL!
Jingle: "Thick noodles revolution"
(that's an ad for thick noodles);
Jingle: "Noodles (x3) Thick noodles...Magnificent!"
Jack: I have...the weirdest boner right now
Shocker Combatmen: "EEE!"
Jack: I have...the weirdest boner right now
Jingle: "It's so thick"
Shocker Combatmen: "EEE!"
Jingle: "It's so tasty"
Shocker Combatmen: "EEE!"
Jingle: "It's a historical moment"
Jack: "Okay, stop yelling at me"
Lady: "EEE"
Jingle: "Try eating it"
Jack: *screech* "EEE"
Shocker Combatmen:  "EEE"
Jingle: "Try buying it"
Jack: *screech*  "EEE!"
Announcer: "You'll be 'shocked' by its tastiness! New Futomen Dōdō (magnificent thick noodles)"
*You'll be 'shocked' by its thickness! You'll be 'shocked' by its tastiness!*
Jack: "This is the evolution of the 'E' meme"
Jingle: "Thick noodles, thick noodles, magnificent"
*You'll be 'shocked' by its thickness! You'll be 'shocked' by its tastiness!*
Jack: *screech* EEE
I don't know what's going on, but I like this one. This one has a horse in a subway and a man who
looks out of time... This is a recipe for greatness
Samurai: "On the smartphone! You can watch movies on the smartphone!"
Jack: He's not saying anything. None of them are saying anything
Jack: *laughter*
*you can watch movies on the smartphone*
Jack: That's my move. That's how- that's how I get the ladies. You know, walking down a subway I'm like,
'Do you like my horse? Look at my muscle! Look at it! Look, watch!' and then they're like
'AAAH!! It's too much!!!!'
Announcer: "docomo - d market - video store" (docomo is a mobile phone operator company)
Jack: "It's so creepy!"

Japanese: 
次のCMだ！
（カップ麺のCM）
僕は…
めっちゃ変な間違いをした気分だよ
わかった。僕に向かって叫ばないでくれ（笑）
イイー！！
イイー！！
これが”E”ミームの進化だ
イイー！！
何が起きているかわからないよ。
だけど気に入った。
地下鉄に馬、
そして時代にそぐわない格好の男性がいるね。
これは卓越してるね。
彼は何も言ってないね。誰も何も言ってない。
（爆笑）
あれは僕の動きだね。
あれが僕が女性を虜にするやり方だよ。
地下鉄に下って行って、僕が、、、
「僕の馬は好きかい？僕の筋肉を見てくれよ。」
「見てよ。見て見て！」
そしたら彼女らは
「あああああ、もう十分だって！！！」

English: 
Jack: "No one else is stopping him either!"
Jack: "He's just  'Check out my bicep. Che- you can watch ET on my bicep. Watch it!' "
Announcer: "Chew (x2)" (it's an ad for the Japanese gummy "Sours" ("sawazu"); they typically feature "monster turtles" (kaijin kame) because both the word for "turtle" and the order "chew" are pronounced as "kame" in Japanese)
Jack: *low sound* "What the fuuck?"
Announcer: "Chew (x4), Sours, Chew (x2)"
Announcer: "Chew (x4), Sours"
*Chewing gummies*
Announcer: "Chew (x4), Sours"
*sour gummies - SOURS*
Jack: "What the fuck was that?"
Jack: "I need to go home after that one"
Jack: "That was uncomfortable"
Jack: *in Japanese* "Chew, chew, chew, chew, Sours"
Jack: "Ooh, I'm so uncomfortable. I'm gonna see that in my nightmares"
Lady: "Shit!"
Lady: "I'm low on charcoal!" (it's an ad for deodorizing activated charcoal ("sumi"))
Jack: "foohh what?"
Lady: *panting* "Where are you?!"
Charcoal: "I'm here!"
Jack: "What the fuck is happening?"
Charcoal: "If you're low on charcoal..."
Lady: "...Then replace it!"
Announcer: "Deodorizing charcoal"
*for fridge use - high-grade charcoal (produced from ubame oak) power*
*antibacterial - deodorizing charcoal *
Jack: "What was that?! I thought it was a commercial for fridges!"
Jack: "Why did you need to bring the fridge with you?"
Lady: "Shit! I'm low on charcoal!"
Jack: "Oh no, I'm low on graphite *chuckle* I have to go into the forest"

Japanese: 
めっちゃムズムズする！
誰も彼を止めてないし。
僕の筋肉を見てみてよ。
筋肉の上でETが見れるよ。
見てよ！！
（サワーズグミのCM）
なんだこれ…？
これは何…？
もう帰りたいよ...
心地よくないな...
かめかめかめかめサワー👍
めっちゃ心地悪いわ〜。悪夢で出てきそう
（冷蔵庫の消臭剤のCM）
ぶっ…はぁ？
何が起こってんの…？
なんだこれ？冷蔵庫のCMだと思ってたのに！
なんで、冷蔵庫を連れ出したんだよ！
あらら、墨が減ってきたから、森にいかないと…

English: 
Lady: *panting* "Where are you?!"
Jack: "Don't you hate it when you run out of graphite in your fridge, and you got to run into the forest"
Jack: "with it on your back, like Indiana Jones or Mr. Fredricksen from UP."
Jack: "Yeah, that's a tough life"
Charcoal: "I'm here!"
Jack: "but then you reach the Forbidden
Forest"
Charcoal: "If you're-"
Jack: "and you see graphite man in his"
Jack: "little hut that he's built out of clay"
Charcoal: "low on charcoal..."
Lady: "...Then replace it!"
Jack: "so you get it from the source"
Announcer: "Deodorizing charcoal"
*for fridge use - high-grade charcoal (produced from ubame oak) power*
*antibacterial - deodorizing charcoal *
Jack: "WHAT IS THIS?!"
Jack: "What was that? Is that like soy sauce or something?"
Jack: *Laughing uncontrollably*
Section chief: *martial arts shout* "Section chief's plan!"
*section chief's plan*
Jack: *Laughing uncontrollably*
Jack: "Oh, fuck"
Jack: "Why was it so ridiculously stupid? The first two seconds of this is the"
Jack: "greatest thing I've ever seen! Holy shit!"
Section chief: *martial arts shout* "Section chief's plan!"
*section chief's plan*
Director: *martial arts shout* "Director's plan!"
*director's plan*
*Business is a battle*

Japanese: 
冷蔵庫の墨がきれてしまっても、
嫌いにならないであげてよね。
そして冷蔵庫とともに森の中へと入っていく。
インディアナ・ジョーンズやカール爺さんみたいに。
うん。大変だね
だけど、禁じられた森へと到達し、、、
墨男を目撃する...
帽子をかぶっていて、粘土でできている男。
そして墨をゲットする
これはなんだ！！！
何？醤油か何かか？
（キシリトールガムのCM）
（大爆笑）
うう、まじか...
なんでたった2秒くらいで
こんなにも馬鹿げているんだ...
これまで見た中で一番いいわ。なんてこった。
（爆笑）

Japanese: 
何が起きているんだ！？
アクゥオォ！！
何を売っているんだ？ガムかな？
まじで好きだわ
バァン！後ろ回転！ホォウォヨヤァァ！
もう一回観ないと...
どっちのガムがいいかで戦ってるのかい？
そして彼がおもむろに出てきて、彼らは
「ああ、わかったよ…」
なんてこった...
これはマジでウケた
（じゃがりこのCM）
好きじゃない。全然好きじゃない
 

English: 
*takes out the breath-freshening gum "acuo"*
*after chewing, wrap it and throw it into the wastebasket*
Jack: "What the fuck is happening?"
Announcer: "Let's change starting from the breath - LOTTE"
Man: *martial arts shout* "ACUO!!!"
Jack: "ACUO!!!"
Jack: "What were you selling? Is that like gum?"
Jack: "I just love,"
Jack: "BANG! BACKFLIP! HOOWOOYOYAHHHH"
Jack: "I need to see it again"
Section chief: *martial arts shout* "Section chief's plan!"
*section chief's plan*
Director: *martial arts shout* "Director's plan!"
*director's plan*
*Business is a battle*
Jack: "Are they fighting over which gum is better?"
*after chewing, wrap it and throw it into the wastebasket*
Man: *martial arts shout* "ACUO!!!"
Announcer: "Let's change starting from the breath - LOTTE"
Jack: "And then he comes out with his own and they're like 'ohh okay' "
Jack: "Oh my God..."
Jack: "That really fuckin' got me"
Announcer: "Kojagari (x5) Kojagariko"
Announcer: "Jagariko...(x3) Jagari..."
Announcer: "Kojagari (x3) Koja"
Jack: "I don't like this... I don't like this at all"
Announcer: "Kojagari (x3) Jagariko (x3) Ja-"
Announcer: "Kojagari ko- Jagariko ja- Ja-ko-"
Jack: *mouths* "Why?"
Announcer: "Jagariko (x3) Ja-"
Announcer: "Ja- (x5) Jagariko!"
(that's an ad for Calbee's "jagariko", a brand of Japanese snacks that are essentially potato chips shaped as thin sticks that are sold in a cup-like package).
Jack: "I did not like that"

Japanese: 
これは好きじゃない。
どっかの誰かが、、、
今の出来事に喚起されてるんだ。
そのことが僕をもっと心地悪くさせるんだ。
この動画以上にね。
おお、待て。それは僕だ！
（明治チョコレートのCM）
あれは魔人ブウか？おお、違うわ
メイジィ
チョコレイトォ
おっけー、あれは、、、
なんか犯罪を目撃した気分だ
誰かが森に分け入って、キノコの少年を見つけた
そして、チョコレートを彼にあげ、
そしたら子どもが彼を叩き始めたんだ
警察官が今家に向かってきてる気分だよ
なるほど。えっと彼は子どもに指し示して…
いくつか質問がある！！
なんで違う惑星にいるんだい？
なぜ子どものために
チョコレートを持ってきたんだい？

English: 
Jack: "Someone, somewhere..."
Jack: "...is aroused by what just happened. And that makes me more uncomfortable than anything that actually happened in the video"
Jack: "Oh, wait, it was me!"
Jingle: "Chocolate... Chocolate is me-i-ji"
Jack: "Is that Majin Buu? Oh God no!"
Jingle: "Chocolate...Chocolate..."
Jack: "Meiji...Chocolate-o"
Jingle: "Chocolate is me-i-ji"
Jack: "Okay! I- That-"
Jack: "I feel like I just witnessed a crime, okay?"
Jack: "Some dude went into the forest, found mushroom baby,"
Jack: "gave him some chocolate, and then the baby started patting him"
Jack: "I feel like a police officer is on his way to my house right now"
Jingle: "Chocolate... Chocolate is me-i-ji"
Jingle: "Chocolate...Chocolate..."
Jack: "Okay so he pointed to him that-"
Jingle: "Chocolate is-"
Jack: "I HAVE SEVERAL QUESTIONS"
Jack: "Why were you on a different planet?"
Jack: "Why did you bring chocolate to the kid?"

English: 
Jack: "Why did you give the kid the chocolate?"
Jack: "Why did the alien baby pat you on the hmm hmm"
Jack: "and then why did you point to the Earth to say 'there's more chocolate down there' "
Jack: "The baby took off and left with fart magic"
Jack: "and then you're left on a foreign planet with... chocolate"
Jack: "also, you lied to the kid. You told him that you didn't have any more..."
Jack: "...you said that you didn't have anymore chocolate!"
Jingle: "Chocolate.. Chocolate is-"
Jack: "Ahh, if only the kid had patted my ass. He would have found the chocolate"
Jack: "Can I call Chris Hansen on this guy?" (the host of "To Catch A Predator", a hidden-camera reality TV show dedicated to publicly exposing online sexual predators by luring them with underage impersonators)
Jack: "Oh.. oh God! oh Jesus! "
Jingle: "Everywhere, everyday, happy happy 'Snappy' Pudding"
Jack: "That went- OH MY GOD!"
Jingle: "Everywhere, everyday, happy 'Snappy' Pudding"
Man: "President? President!"
Announcer: "The special 'Snappy' Pudding 40th anniversary edition is out!"
Announcer: "Glico" (it's a Japanese food company)
Jack: "That escalated so fast!"
Jack: "I didn't even have time to catch my breath- I thought that was gonna be a commercial for Fortnite dance emotes" (this commercial was entitled "Snappy gymnastics"/"Pucchin taisō")
Jack: "then.. BAM!!!"
Jingle: "Everywhere, everyday, happy happy 'Snappy' Pudding"

Japanese: 
なぜ子どもにチョコレートを渡したんだい？
なんで宇宙人の子どもは〇〇を触り始めたんだい？
そしてなんで地球を指差して
「あそこにはもっとたくさんチョコがあるよ」
と言って
子どもはオナラの魔力で離陸して去ったんだい？
そして自分はチョコレートとともに異惑星に残された...
加えて、君は子どもに嘘をついた。
もうチョコレートは持ってないと言ったのに
ああ〜。子どもがお尻を叩いていたのは、
チョコレートを見つけるためだったのか
この男のためにクリス・ハンソンを呼ぼうか？
（プッチンプリンのCM）
おお、マジか。マジかよ。
これって…なんてこった！
展開が速すぎるだろ！！
息をする間もなかったよ。
フォートナイトのダンスCMかと思ったよ
そして、、、バン！！

English: 
Man: "President? President!"
Jingle: "Everywhere, everyday, happy-"
Jack: "This is your brain on drugs"
Jack: "It's like Pale Man from Pan's Labyrinth" (now imagine her holding a pudding on each hand)
Jack: "Ooh okay, I need a cup of tea or something...I need a break"
Jack: "I need to get away from my computer for, like, at least seventy-two hours"
Jack: "I have no idea what just happened"
Jack: "This was- I thought that this was going to be funnier than it was"
Jack: "I thought that i was gonna laugh at a bunch of these"
Jack: "A lot of this video was me going 'What The Fuck' "
Jack: "Anyway! if nothing else, I hope that you learned something here today"
Jack: "I hope you learned to get your hair cut in time, or else you're gonna end up with this"
Jack: "but for now, my elves, they must leave"
Jack: "They must go forward on another journey to find more of 'JackSepticEye's Funniest Home Videos' "
Jack: "But until then,"
Jack: "Good night, everybody!!!"
*Outro music*

Japanese: 
これがヤクが頭に回った時の状態か。
彼（彼女）はパンズ・ラビリンスの
パイルマンみたいだな
おおけい。
紅茶か何かが欲しい。
休憩が必要だ
コンピュータから離れる必要があるだろうね。
少なくとも...
72時間はね
何が起きたかさっぱりわからなかった ...
これは...もっと面白くなるはずだったんだ
ところどころで笑いどころがあって
でも、多くの動画は
「何なんだこれは…？」って感じだった
とにかく！
ここで何かを学んでくれることを望むよ
そろそろ髪を切らないとということを
学んでくれないと、こうなるぞ
ということで、僕の妖精たち、
彼らはいかなくてはならない
また僕のために面白い動画を
探しに出かけないといけないんだ
それまでは...
おやすみ〜みんな！！
（アウトロ）

English: 
Jack: "Don't forget to graphite that like button!"

Japanese: 
 
