*What is this intro?*
(Film grain crack)
*Where's the text screen that says "2007" with you saying it?*
*I DON'T LIKE THE NEW COOKPRODUCTIONS1, I WANT THE OLD ONE BACK!*
(High-pitched ringing noise)
(British voice): The 23 f-
(beep)
*Did the ringing have to be so damn LOUD? I could use a volume warning next time!*
*If all the new CookP1 intros are like this I'm unsubbing!*
(Cool guitar sounds)
*What's so odd about the 2012 HRT?*
(annoyed) For Christ's sake.
(Chris sighs in exasperation)
Ffffffucking…
(Chris gets up from his chair to walk around his room)
(Chris walks around his room)
*Are you going to get something?*
*I mean, I hear footsteps but all I see is a title screen so I have almost no way of knowing what you're doing*
Here it is, here it is.
*Here WHAT is? I need context, man!*
*All I'm hearing are noises of varied volumes which are meant to imply something but I don't know what that IS*
*Are you inserting a CD into a disc drive now?*
*I mean, I can only assume that's what you're doing; I have no way of knowing for sure*
(beep)
*Does this mean we can start now?*
*The last season in which I was satisfied by the outcome of the championship*
2007 was a rather revolutionary year for many reasons.
*It was the year Barack Obama announced his bid as a presidential candidate*
Radiohead released an album that could be sold at any price,
which pissed off the big music executive people up at the top.
*Stick it to the man, Thommy!*
One of the most overrated bands in the world released another album and Dizzee Rascal stopped being good.
*He could pull out something that makes people like him again, you never know*
Also, Formula 1 started again to make us feel really bad about the pinnacle of Motorsport,
(which) isn't even a quarter as entertaining as any other form of motorsport.
I guess I'm not a quote/unquote "real fan" then, am I?
*The moment you stop being a real fan is once you stop watching when your favorite driver(s) stop winning*
The 2007 season saw a lot of changes in terms of who was driving where.
In the McLaren camp,
2-time Formula 1 world champion, Fernando Alonso took Kimi Raikkonen's place, and with him
was the completely unknown and always will be newcomer Lewis Hamilton.
*You sure about that? He might be like Taki Inoue or Jean-Denis Deletraz in being notoriously abysmal*
In the Ferrari camp, Kimi Raikkonen and Felipe Massa took their spots
in the hope that maybe they could be in for a chance of winning a world championship.
*Well if the Ferrari is as ANY bit as good as it was the year before, I think it's a great shout!*
Oh, and…
did I mention that Michael Schumacher isn't racing an F1 anymore?
*Really? Not anymore?*
Yeah.
That happened.
*You sure he's not just taking a break for a few years?*
Those Ferrari arseholes preferred the non-personality Finn over the greatest driver of all time.
*Well, McLaren selected a rookie newcomer so what can you do? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯*
Absolutely maddening.
And those are all the important driver change to this season.
*I think you're forgetting a few people*
No, I'm being serious here.
NOBODY else mattered.
Barrichello stopped being relevant after Austria 2002 and everyone else is either a newcomer,
or someone who's been in the sport for 10 years,
and hasn't won anything significant.
*Trulli won the Monaco Grand Prix in 2004; that's pretty damn significant*
That's the cold, hard truth.
*Not to mention, Jenson Button took his maiden victory last year from P14 on the grid*
So let's get started on this season, shall we?
("Space Colony" music from Super Monkey Ball 2 plays)
*What a riveting intro! Much better than that "Robot Wars" drivel!*
("Bubbly Washing Machine" music from SMB2 plays in the background)
The preseason testing was a two-on-two showdown between the Ferraris & the McLarens,
but for Australia, Kimi Raikkonen got pole position,
followed by Fernando Alonso, Nick Heidfeld, Lewis Hamilton, Robert Kubica and Giancarlo Fisichella.
*If it's a 2v2 showdown between Ferrari & McLaren where's Felipe Massa?*
While Felipe Massa "stook" at the back of the grid due to an engine change penalty.
*This is shaping up to be a great season for him /s*
Not a bad way to start the season on Ferrari's side, is it?
(eagerly) So here we are for the start at the 2007 season.
The Australian Grand Prix is go!!!
Raikkonen has a great start and so does Nick Heidfeld while Hamilton and Kubica fighting for position
but Kubica manages to get through.
*#youthmovement :D*
Not before Hamilton manages to brake 1000m early and take the position back.
*That may rank as one of the best undercut overtakes of all time*
You're seeing it right folks.
A SAUBER…
is ahead of both the McLarens.
It really has come to this.
*At this rate it's only a matter of time before everyone and their mother is ahead of the McLarens*
(quietly) Oh, and I know-
I know they have BMW as their thing but you- no- nobody cares.
Meanwhile at the back,
Anthony Davidson makes contact with one of the Spyker cars
and is nearly launched in the air à la Ralf Schumacher style.
*No marshals will be harmed today! Well, not at this track, at least*
To think this guy would ultimately become…
a World Endurance Champion.
And the Le Mans winner.
For-
at least a little bit, anyway.
Look how fucking AWFUL that car looks.
I know you have literally no sponsors, but you could at least-
not be arseholes about it.
*Ever consider the possibility that the only arsehole around here is you? (LOL NO)
No "Earth Dreams" are gonna save you at this point, is (are) there?
This little shot of the Ferrari of Felipe Massa being behind both of the Honda cars
is only going to happen once this entire season.
*You're not gonna threaten to hang yourself again if it happens a second time, right?*
I just want to make sure that everyone watching knows about this.
*Massa's got the better car; if he doesn't pass them on track he'll leapfrog them at the pitstops*
The Ferrari's not crap;
*How the hell is it crap if it's on pole and it's pulling away from everyone behind?*
the Hondas are.
*I wonder what Honda's gonna be like a decade from now*
Is that clear enough?
*They're not SO crap that they won't be able to score points, are they?*
Good.
Christijan Albers, trying to somersault like Schumacher, but failing miserably,
goes out of the Australian Grand Prix.
*First Doornbos, now THIS guy? F1's NEVER gonna get another Flying Dutchman, and even Jos was pretty shit*
Considering this is the Spyker we're talking about here, we'd be better off not rubbing it in their faces.
*I mean, it's not like they're gonna regularly become points scorers in the next few years, right?*
They've put in a lot of work, with little payoff.
To make things slightly more bearable,
here's Barrichello ACTUALLY overtaking someone.
*Not bad for a #2 driver*
Albeit the Honda of Jenson Button.
*Woohoo! Go Rubens! Since Matt likes you I automatically like you too*
But at least this is actually a driver he's overtaken on his own.
*15th season in F1 and it barely shows*
You don't see that in Ferrari, do you?
*airhorn.mp3*
Jesus Christ, Massa,
does it REALLY TAKE this long to overtake one of the SLOWEST cars on the field?
*You DO realize this is a high-speed street track where dirty air is a major issue, right?*
How bad are you?!
Only '90s kids…
remember these tyres.
Even if you went back and watched this review…
*As a matter of fact I have the official review on DVD so I may do just that*
(whispered) you still wouldn't know the name.
*Psst*
*It's Bridgestone*
(still whispering) Only '90s kids remember.
*You know what '90s kids ACTUALLY remember? When Goodyear supplied F1 tyres*
I thought I'd never see the day where I would actively be condemning Ferrari winning this race.
*Would you rather see McLaren win?*
I👏🏻NEVER thought I'd see the day.
Raikkonen pits, and now Fernando Alonso leads the race.
*Overcut time!*
With Hamilton "sezeting" in 2nd.
*2nd? In his first race? Ayrton Senna, eat your heart out*
This is all right.
I like th-
Meanwhile, Jarno Trulli gets pushed wide by one of the Renaults.
*That'll teach him for getting on Briatore's bad side!*
No, I don't actually know who is because the live feed doesn't tell me who it is,
but thanks for asking anyway.
Alonso pits,
goes out and is just behind Hamilton as they both come into the first corner.
*#Favoritism*
Keep that in👏🏻mind that this is👏🏻Lewis'👏🏻first👏🏻race.
He's becoming slow- he's slowly becoming…
this decade's Jacques Villeneuve.
Meanwhile, Jenson Button has a drive-through penalty for speeding in the pit lane.
*By how much? Like 1-2 mph? The FIA need to establish a tolerance level smh*
Yes, you heard, right
*Well, yeah, I'm 19, my ears are in perfect condition*
One of the slowest cars on the grid got a drive-through penalty for speeding in the pit lane.
*A Super Aguri could probably do that, why are you making a big deal out of Button doing it?*
I'm just going to bang my head on the wall for a few minutes, I'll ju- I'll be right back.
Ah, Scott Speed.
Surely the most unluckiest surnames to ever come out of Formula 1.
*Surnames? There's only ONE surname, idiot!*
(sighing weirdly) How sad.
Raikkonen pits again and now Lewis Hamilton is in the lead of the race, much to the celebrations of everyone
who just wants someone to support that isn't Michael Schumacher.
Or…
Valentino Rossi.
*Keep on keeping on, Marc*
Meanwhile Adrian Sutil goes wide and David Coulthard does the exact same thing behind him.
*My grandfather often told me, "monkey see, monkey do"*
I believe that "Coulshard" just stop racing.
*You never know, Red Bull could get competitive all of a sudden*
It's just downhill after leaving McLaren.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
*Just to drive home your point even further*
David, what the hell was that?!
*He did what he thinks is "overtaking" in 2007. He's behind the times*
That was suicidal, man!
*I'd be so jealous of him if he pulled it off*
"Nou" nearly decapitated Alex Wurz. ( i fucking SAID "YOU")
*9 years later and they're still running into each other, go figure*
I'm starting to get worried now.
*Oh please, it's not like this kind of accident's gonna happen over the course of the next few years*
We'll need a MIRACLE to keep these drivers heads in shape.
*You mean like neck stretches?*
Like some sort of magical halo to shine down and protect them.
(Chris releases the Sigh of Sorrow™ at what he is witnessing)
Kimi Raikkonen crosses the line to win the Australian Grand Prix.
*Chris relies on the power of a Marlboro Black to get him through this very black day of his life*
(somewhat more chipper) With Fernando Alonso second and Lewis Hamilton in third
Let's see him cross the line first.
*I can guarantee you it's not gonna happen this soon in his career. Give him until the second half of the season*
(gravelly from that Marlboro Black) There we go.
NOW we can finish this episode.
*What do you mean? Where'd Heidfeld finish? What about Kubica? Massa? Fisi? I NEED CLOSURE, LAD!*
