But  yeah, being single is hard dude!
But the toughest thing about being single
is not handling rejection....
the toughest thing about being single is handling over expressivecouples.
because they tell you.
And everywhere, these expressive couples have
to tell the other person that they love them.
Dude, I was watching MTV the other day and even over there they....
have you seen in one corner?
"I love you Anjali"
"Humne Poocha Kya?"
Anjali Ko bata na!!
I was watching this song Kabira, Kitna mast
ghaana hai!
One guy sent a msg, "I feel lonely" "then
Die!"
TV ka Plug nikaal, ungli daal!
Dude I swear to god, I got so pissed, I sent
a msg.
"Anjali, I'm standing outside"
Just wanted to fuck around with that one Anjali
in the country.
At least once she would have done this
"Who the fuck is outside?"
Even my username was "Tarkiboyzz rockzz"
You love Anjali, I'm gonna scare the shit
out of her.
And I have been asking in lot of shows.
Does anyone over here pay attention to those
msgs.
Nobody pays attention.
That's why I have this thought, Don't you
feel that is the best place for terrorist
to exchange information.
Right under our noses.
"I love you Anjali"
"I miss you Neha"
"Shivajinagar 3am RDX."
Nobody will ever find out.
Imagine if the 26/11 attack happened like
that.
Some dude in Bombay is watching 9xm Bindass
and first msg comes, "Priya, I miss you."
Next msg, "Kasab, come to TAJ back gate"
Kasab is like, "No, aready at the railway station"
"See you on the other side"
I'm telling you dude, being single is pretty
hard.
But you know what, I'm single and the fault
is not of the women.
Women, I take full blame for it.
But I do have one request though.
Like now so many women have been coming forward
and saying,
"We can wear whatever the fuck we want to wear,
Who the hell are you to judge?"
And I'm like, Of course dude, 100% with you
on that!
Except this one thing.
Leggings that match the colour of your skin.
Can we draw the line there?
Freedom of choice.
That fucking scam!
Because I understand that you guys wanna look
pretty, but you need to understand, Its very
confusing!
Looks like a mirage of happiness.
An Illusion of joy.
Like a kid we go....ahhh? ohh?
So many times, I'd be walking down the road
and I'll see this girl really far away and
I'll be like
She is wearing only a kurti?
Is this the new Manish Malhotra designer wear?
Who is this progressive women?
And as she is walking closer..My hearbeat
is increasing.
Fuck, "ohhh".
When she comes closer, this is my reaction,
"OHHH"
And I walk back that entire walk of shame.
"Chee, I thought that."
How many of you are bangaloreans here? Give me a cheer?
Six people.
Thats generally the sterotype in bangalore.
But I'm a bangalorean, been here around for
20 yrs.
I love this city but I have one issue with
this city.
That all my friends house that I go to, I
only see a foreign breed of dog.
Have you noticed?
All our friends houses.
Like you have seen German Shephard, Pitbull,
boxer, Labradaor, Dalmation!
And I started thinking.
what happened to our dogs?
"Humare Apne"
"Swadeshi Kutton ka kya hua?"
And that's when I realised.
Guys, Indian dogs are losing their jobs to
foreign dogs.
These Fucking Immigrants!!
they are taking away our dogs jobs.
Think about it, 15 yrs back whenever I used
to play cricket and the ball use to go to
neighbours house, Who was barking?
"Ramu"
But today its Rocky the Rotweiler.
Have you seen a Rotweiler?
Looks like a doberman on steriods.
what do you have?
With pedigree, protein or what?
Like shake it up and Arggghhh.
And that's why today when my friends get a
new puppy or something, I cant show them love!
my friend got a pug for 25 thousand.
Guys, a Pug is not a dog, its just a really
obese cat.
Garfield with fuck all graphics.
If you wrap a blanket around a pug, it looks
like a jumbo shawarma.
And don't you guys feel that Ramu is way more
qualified than a pug.
He is right.
If two thieves enter your house, Ramu can
take them down.
But if you put a pug against two thieves,
they ll just start playing football with it.
Ey pass, ey pass!
Ey window dekh..Goaallll!!
that's why have you noticed, every house that
has a pug, already has a security guard.
because chor gussega, pehle pug ko utta.
25 hazarr ka hai, pehle usko utta.
That's pissing off part about this is, these are
the people who will buy dogs like this and
then they'll come out and complain.
"Why are there so many street dogs on the
road?"
"What is the municipality doing?"
"My kids are not feeling safe!"
Do you know why?
It because Ramu is Fucking!
Ramu was a working bachelor.
You took away his job,
Now he is just a horny
bachelor.
What do bachelors do all the time?
So he is searching dude, Woh galli galli gum
raha hai, Leela ki khoj mein.
And the moment he finds Leela.
Bam!! Ram Leela!!
Hum do humare do sau.
I'm a huge football fan, Any football fans
in the audience?
I love that game but I have one issue with
that game, like have you noticed that every
football game that starts, players walk inside
with a kid?
Why dude?
Like when I started watching football, you
know how players would enter?
Jumping, stretching, flexing their muscles.
It used to look like a game is going to start.
Now they look like divorced fathers.
All 22 of them going, "Iska custody muje kyun
mila?"
When I started footballers used to look like
warriors!
Now they look like they're going through mid-life
crisis.
"Agle Mahine iska fees bharna hai"
"Saala khelne bi nahi aane deta"
"Park mein mere saath gaya"
And dude, all my friends have been complaining
that football is no longer that aggressive
game it used to be.
And I genuinely feel its because of this kids.
Because imagine just before you start the
game, who do you see?
The faces of 22 cute kids.. dude that's like
before a soldier enters war, you show him
an entire season of Bob the builder!
Even He will throw away the gun, "I dont want
to kill I want to fix things"
"I want a spanner"
Like have you seen WWF? Have you seen how Undertaker
enters the ring?
That blue lights, dead music and looks at
the opponent and goes,
Fuck, I'm gonna kill you.
You're like, shit dude match shuru hone wala
hai.
Now imagine if Undertaker walked in with a
kid?
"I'm going to kill you,
But this is Aradhana"
"Iske Papa auto chalate hain"
"Iski Maa ko TB hai"
You'll be like just tell me where to
make the donations, I dont want to watch this
match anymore.
And the game has changed guys, I am not even
kidding.
I was watching a game couple of weeks back.
This defender came and he pushed the forward
and I thought the forward will get a little
angry and all, he just looked at the referee
like he is his boyfriend.
"Are you gonna let him treat me like this?"
"I need to feel protected around you!"
"Show him a card!"
"What Yellow? you know Red is my favourite
colour"
Dude I'll prove it to you that the game has
changed.
Do you guys remember, in 2006 FIFA world cup
there was a player called Zinedine Zidane?
FIFA world cup finale, he didnt give a
fuck, he just gave a headbutt and walked out.
Like a boss.
But now there is a player called Luis Suarez,
who is biting other players.
Literally game ke beech mein, if he doesnt
like you he bites you.
Yaar khaatna bachhon ka kaam hota hai.
You never see two adults in a bar get into
an argument and then go..."arrrgggghhh"
and the worst part is I feel bad for the player
who got bitten by Luis suarez.
Because, first of all he played a 2hr match,
got bitten and then he has to go home and
explain it to his wife.
