- What a crowd, what a crowd.
How beautiful, beautiful, no kidding.
Really great.
(audience cheers)
And you know me, I love crowds.
You know that.
I mean, when I was a kid,
my house was always crowded,
always people around, you
know I come from a big,
old-fashioned, hard
working, stupid family,
that's what I come from.
(audience laughs)
What a dumb family I got.
Now, last week I looked up my family tree,
two dogs were using it.
(audience laughs)
I don't know.
And I tell ya, lately,
nothing's going right, ya know.
I mean, I'm gaining weight,
I can't stay on a diet.
Last week, I went nuts,
I tried the rice diet.
You kidding, between meals
kept folding my shirts.
(audience laughs)
I mean, I can't relax you know?
the other night at my nightclub.
I felt like having a few drinks,
I went over to the bar tender.
I said surprise me.
He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
(audience laughs)
You know, I'll tell ya, last
week was a rough week for me,
I broke up my psychiatrist too last week.
He told me I'm going crazy.
I said to him, "If you don't mind,
"I'd like a second opinion."
He said, "All right, you're ugly too."
(audience laughs)
And then he told me to lay
on the couch face down.
(audience laughs)
And I'll tell ya, when I was
a kid, I knew I was ugly.
When I was born, the doctor,
he smacked my mother.
(audience laughs)
And my old man, he made me feel ugly.
Why, on Halloween, he sent me out as-is.
(audience laughs)
Did a lot of things my old man.
One year, he even tried
to make me a poster-boy
for birth control.
(audience laughs)
(audience cheers)
All right.
(audience cheering drowns out speaker)
And I tell ya,
I went through a lot of
things when I was a kid.
You know, the kids all made fun of me.
Made fun of my cousin too.
They called him four-eyes.
And later on, he got glasses,
then they called him eight-eyes.
(audience laughs)
I tell ya, I tell ya.
My block, the kids were tough.
All over my face I had pimples,
and they used to grab me
and play connect the dots.
(audience laughs)
I tell ya, sometimes I
can't take it no more!
I mean, I don't get no respect at all.
(audience claps)
You know, every time I get in an elevator,
the operator says the same
thing to me, "Basement?"
(audience laughs)
That's the same thing in
my own house, no respect.
My boy's birthday last
week, had a little party,
brought out the cake, the
kid blew out all the candles.
I said to him, "I hope
your wish comes true."
He said, "If it does, that's
the last time you'll watch me
"blow out candles."
(audience laughs)
What a smart kid I got.
my own wife, she's no better
than the rest of them, my wife.
Living with my wife,
how do you think I feel?
I mean she kisses the dog on the lips
and she won't drink from my glass.
(audience laughs)
(audience cheers)
And, I'll tell ya, the first
time I made love to my wife,
that was a beauty too.
Yeah, I got curious.
Yeah, I said to her, "How
many guys been before this?"
Yeah, she looked at me, she said,
"Not enough to make up for this!"
(audience laughs)
(band playing)
(audience cheering)
Great, great crowd tonight.
- Great crowd, huh?
- Great, beautiful people out there.
- Yeah,
- Beautiful, nice, no?
How you been Johnny, you all right?
- I'm fine Rodney.
- Good.
- You told me back in
makeup you had a cold,
but it didn't bother you.
Does it bother you?
It doesn't seem to bother you working.
- Well, it's a cold it always bothers you.
You know it knows it when you have a cold
and it bothers you as
well as the person who...
What do you want to do,
a dramatic lecture here
on a cold now?
I've got no cold jokes at all!
- Maybe it's the swine flu or something.
- Swine, I got the shot
too, I took the shot.
- You did?
- Oh yeah.
Doctor gave me the shot
and back in New York,
when I was working a club,
the club is still there,
things are going good.
Seven years now, Dangerfield's, you know?
Seven years, and things are
going real good you know?
I finally paid off the ice machine.
(audience laughs)
But it's always nice to come out here.
You got such beautiful
girls here in California.
- You like it out in California huh?
- Lovely girls, boy oh boy,
I'll tell ya, lovely girls.
The last problem I was out
here, I met a beautiful girl.
She was a fortune teller, you know?
Yeah, she read my palm
and asked me for $5.
And then she read my mind
and asked me for $50.
(audience laughs)
And I'll tell ya what, girls, you gotta
watch yourself Johnny.
- I know you do.
- You gotta watch yourself with girls.
Met a girl last week,
told me she was Scorpio.
Found out she spent 4 years under Leo.
(audience laughs)
You gotta watch yourself.
Now let's talk, that's
enough about girls okay!
- Enough about girls huh?
- No, girls lead to sex, sex, sex.
And, I'll tell you the truth Johnny,
with sex, I've had it up to here.
Not lately though, you know (laughs).
(audience laughs)
I gotta cold , you gotta count
your blessings though Johnny.
You gotta count your blessings.
I'm doing okay today, I've been
broke all my life you know?
- [Johnny] You got money now huh?
- I'm doing okay, holding my
own, doing all right you know?
But as a kid, I had nothing, I was poor.
Oh, was I poor when I was
a kid, you go no idea.
I was so poor my rich uncle died,
in the will I owed him $20.
(audience laughs)
Really poor.
- [Johnny] That's poor.
- Yeah, my uncle he
was a lazy guy, though.
Oh, was he lazy, oh jeez.
He was so lazy, he married
a girl who was pregnant.
(audience laughs)
He was lazy.
Lazy guy.
(audience claps)
That's too lazy, that's too lazy.
Lazy is no good, it's not healthy.
And that's the whole thing, health.
- [Johnny] Health's important.
- Gotta take care of your
health Johnny, your health.
I'm telling ya, I'm getting
old, I gotta watch myself,
really, I'm getting old.
And, it's so tough you get
old to take care of yourself.
I mean, I know I'm getting old.
The last time I was in Las
Vegas I played the slot machine.
Three prunes came up.
(audience laughs)
- That's a tip-off.
What's your doctor friend tell you to do?
- My doctor friend?
- Yeah.
- We'll get to him later on.
- Oh I see, I see.
Don't want to talk about him now huh?
- We'll get to the doctor, you know,
we got a few things to say about him too,
but the thing is, you gotta
meet the right people.
- Right people are important.
- I meet the wrong people Johnny.
I always meet the wrong,
last week I met the surgeon general.
He offered me a cigarette.
(audience laughs)
You gotta do it, my friend the doctor,
you mean Dr. Vinnie Boombatz.
- [Johnny] That's the one, that's the one.
Dr. Vinnie Boombatz
- He keeps away from people.
Goes out in his boat alone.
Stays in his boat, he's
always riding in a boat.
In fact, his new book is all about boats.
- [Johnny] Oh what's it called?
- Oh, great book, great book.
It's called, "Should a Man
Buy a Yacht If His Girlfriend
"Laughs At His Dingy".
(audience laughs)
- I think I've read that.
- It's a great, great book.
(audience clapping drowns out speakers)
I cant' relax, that's my trouble.
- Really?
- I can't relax.
- All tense huh?
- It's always tense,
can't relax.
- Tense, tense.
- I got a dog home drives
me nuts too I'll tell ya.
I got a dog, my dog makes me
feel like I'm 30 you know?
He jumps in my bed and then
he smells it for an hour
before he lays down on it.
(audience laughs)
Tell ya, my dog, I can't figure him out.
And the other night, I
took him out for a walk
the other night.
- Yeah?
- He did number 3.
(audience laughs)
(laughs) I don't know,
pick a topic Johnny,
what do you want to talk about?
I'll tell ya I gotta relax though.
I don't sleep good at all lately myself.
I don't sleep, I'll
tell ya, I don't think.
Dreams, dreams, dreams every night
had a bad dream last night.
- [Johnny] Oh, what was that about?
- Well last night I, my dream last night,
I took a walk down memory lane.
And my wife was working it.
It was a very, very bad dream.
(audience laughs)
Very bad dream last night.
- [Johnny] That can make you wake up.
- Oh I woke right up.
I'll tell ya, my wife,
she drives me nuts anyway.
Always wants me to take her
out to classy restaurants.
I don't like 'em, they're too fancy.
You want to go to the men's room,
there was this men's room.
They got signs like, "Romeo", "Juliet",
"Anthony", "Cleopatra".
If you don't know your history,
you end up with a Kidney condition.
(audience laughing drowns out speaker)
But I'll tell ya, nobody
has an easier life Johnny,
nobody.
- That's right.
- I talk to people all
over the place, nobody.
I feel sorry for short people, you know?
- Why's that?
- Well, when it rains,
they're the last ones to know about it.
- I see.
(audience laughing drowns out speakers)
- Oh I tell ya, sometimes
around short people,
I get very uncomfortable, very.
- [Johnny] Very uncomfortable?
- Like the last time I
went to a health spa,
I was standing there naked,
and a very short guy told
me I looked terrific.
(audience laughs)
A very short guy.
(audience laughs)
- [Johnny] In the health spa, naked.
- I'm happy he didn't shake hands with me,
I'll tell ya.
(audience laughs)
That's a good line, wish
I had more like that.
(audience cheering drowns out speakers)
- We'll be right back, stay where ya are.
