Welcome to America’s Spin Show where we’re standing by for today’s coronavirus task force press briefing.
As these events have become increasingly hostile, we can only image the lies and mayhem that will come out of this one. 
That’s right, Gary. As these so called press briefings continue to spiral out of control, they’re starting to look more like Trumpty-Dumpty campaign events. 
And it looks like it’s about to start so let’s head in.
Alright, here we go. Welcome to today’s press conference. I’ll just dive right into it.
Blah blah blah. Saying all the stuff. Blah blah, bullshit here bullshit there. 
Fake news.
I’m the best and I don’t have self esteem issues at all. Let’s take a few questions.
[Reporters grumbling]
When do you expect Americans to be able to get back to normal life?
P.S.—I love you. You could have me if you wanted.
BLAHHHHHHH!!! Whenever I say so! Get outta here with your weird thirst!
But isn’t it up to states and governors?
Unfair question! I have absolute power and I’m the most metal president ever!
But what do you say to people who are scared?
BLABALAHAAH. Hydroxychloroquine! Do drugs—get wasted!!
You say you have absolute power, which you don’t—so how are you going to handle the political fallout 
if you allow states to reopen before the data shows it’s safe?
Don’t be nasty! You’re such a nasty person.
Oh yeah, about the politics. Ummmm…okay, governors can do what they want. 
That way no one can blame me if more people die. Problem solved. Bada boom!
Whoaaaaa. Much metal. Very scream. Wow.
Ugh, what a man-baby.
What are you doing? Turn the feed back on to see the rest! This is ratings gold!
Nah, fuck that, man. There’s nothing of value here. You know what else gets ratings?
Trainwrecks. I’m out—cut to commercial.
[Toonsplained theme music plays]
Mew!
