
Copyright © 2016 Gregg Michaelsen and Confidence Builder LLC. All rights reserved.

SMASHWORDS EDITION

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission of the publisher.

DISCLAIMER: As a dating coach, I am very good at what I do because of my years of studying the nuances of interpersonal relationships. I have helped thousands of women understand men. That said, I am not a psychologist, doctor or licensed professional. So do not use my advice as a substitute if you need professional help.
Contents

Introduction

PART I: Introduction to Self Esteem

Let's Define Self-Esteem

You Care What Others Think

You Shouldn't Care What Others Think

What Others Are Truly Thinking

Your Confidence is Where it is Today Because...

PART II: What's Happening in Your World

Biology 101

Treat Yourself Well

Accept Yourself – Never Be Ashamed of Your Body

You'd Be Surprised at What Stress is Doing to Your Body

PART III: Your Strengths and Passions

In Which Areas Do You Excel?

Nine Areas of Intelligence

What Are Your Passions?

Recognize When You've Done Something Great

PART IV: Make Your Own Choices

Be True to Yourself

Do You Feel You Need to Justify Your Decisions?

Make Your Own Choices

Who Are Your Friends?

Taking Responsibility for Your Choices and Actions

PART V: What's Holding You Back?

Understanding What You See and Hear

Are You a People Pleaser?

It's Time to Make Your Own Decisions

The Importance of Trying New Things

Take a Few Risks and Reap the Benefits

It's Time to Begin Solving Your Own Problems

The Value of Being Part of a Team

Part VI: Moving Forward Your Way

What do You Want?

Setting and Attaining Goals

Find Yourself a Mentor

It's Time to Manage Your Time

Reward Yourself

PART VII: Conclusion

Appendix

Author Bio: Kirbie Earley

Author Biography: Gregg Michaelsen

Gregg's Books for Teens
Introduction

I grew up in the 1960s and '70s. I know, to you it seems like I should have one foot in the grave, but trust me, I don't. I had a lot of friends - real friends, not fake friends. We went to dances together. We hung out at lunchtime together. We were in the band together. We had fun! At the end of my 8th grade year, my dad took a new job with a different company and we moved about 2-1/2 hours away. This caused my self-esteem to tank very quickly. Not only did I have no friends, but the school building was very confusing to me. I had nobody to help me find my classes and a horrible sense of direction (I still have no sense of direction today).

My freshman year, I did manage to make friends, but at the end of the year, I decided they weren't the "right" friends. They weren't part of the cool kid crowd, so I ditched them. Those girls were nice. There wasn't one thing wrong with them, except maybe an obsession with the Bay City Rollers (look them up). Today, I am friends with a couple of them on Facebook, but we don't truly connect, even there.

Eventually, I found a group of kids who lived in my neighborhood. There were six to eight of us - three to four girls, three to four guys. We played euchre, went bowling, saw movies and rode bikes all over. We hung out at the mall and generally had a good time. Still, the damage to my self-esteem had been done. I dated too young, as early as my freshman year. The guys were all older and, of course, my parents hated me dating them all.

I won't bore you right now with all of the details of four years of high school misery. Suffice it to say that my lack of self-esteem carried past high school and well into my 30s. Trust me when I say you do not want to live your life this way!

It is my own life experiences which have led me to write to you now. I know how miserable it was growing up with no self-esteem. I also know how freeing it is to have higher self-esteem now. I only wish I'd had someone in my life back then who recognized what was going on and was willing to help me, instead of fumbling through life on my own and figuring out much later. As you read, you can know that I have been where you are and I genuinely care about what happens to you. I want you to be happier in your teens than I was in mine.

Before you begin reading, I do have one free gift for you. My co-author, Gregg Michaelsen, has written several top-selling books for women. We both felt you could benefit if we took part of one of those books and made it applicable to your life today, so please click the cover below to receive your copy of the Own Your Tomorrow (teen) eGuide. It is our pleasure to give this to you today.

PART I:   
Introduction to Self Esteem
Let's Define Self-Esteem

In the easiest terms, self-esteem is the collection of thoughts and feelings you have about yourself. This means if you think you're a loser who doesn't deserve air to breathe, your self-esteem is relatively low. If you think you can do no wrong and everyone should bow to you, your self-esteem is also relatively low.

Wait. What?

Yes. It's true. When you think so highly of yourself that you believe everyone is at your mercy, you have low self-esteem. Truly healthy self-esteem lives in people who know they aren't perfect, but they are happy with who they are. I coach women on confidence and self-esteem and I always begin by asking where they believe their self-esteem is. They're usually wrong. Sometimes they believe it is lower than it is, and sometimes they think it's higher. We can't really gauge our own level accurately.

When you have healthy self-esteem, you believe in yourself. You believe you can do anything you set your mind to. You understand you have limitations, but so does everyone. You believe you can overcome them with effort and hard work. When your self-esteem is in good shape, you are resilient. You have the ability to deal with the curveballs life throws you and bounce back from disappointment without any major damage.

When you have low self-esteem, you don't trust in your ability to do anything new, risky or difficult. You don't believe you are capable of making choices or decisions. You beat yourself up every time you make even the smallest mistake. You think you can't do much of anything right and you don't know why the one or two people who do call themselves your friends actually are your friends.

A person with low self-esteem tries to exist in the smallest way possible. You probably use your hair, a hat or hoodie to cover your face, or at least your eyes. When you walk, you spend more time looking at the floor than you do looking at the people walking toward you. You try to avoid making eye contact with anyone. You probably dress in drab, colorless clothing, grays and blacks dominate your wardrobe. You don't raise your hand in class; in fact, you probably sit where you hope nobody will notice you at all. It also shows up in how you talk to yourself. You put yourself down and speak negatively about yourself. You may find yourself apologizing a lot and not really knowing why.

When you have low self-esteem, you may crave physical contact and be sexually active much too early in your life. Alternatively, you may not want anyone to touch you because it scares the heck out of you. You may be loud with your voice, overly aggressive, or use big gestures like waving your arms in the air in a big way.

If you suffer from low self-esteem, you should know you are not alone. According to a survey of high school students, 95% of teens feel inferior at some point and 45.5% of those teens say they normally have low self-esteem.

You may be wondering why you should care about your self-esteem. I personally never gave mine much of a thought until much later in my life. I can tell you, you don't want to live this way! Self-esteem impacts every area of your life, whether yours is too low or too high. Right now, your life seems to be only about today, but tomorrow is just around the corner.

Your self-esteem affects your relationships, including the relationship you have with yourself. You may think this doesn't matter. Why should you care about relationships? Relationships are part of every area of your life - home, school, friends, family, and work. You may think you don't need to build relationships, but that isn't how life works. You cannot exist in a vacuum where you are the only person. Life is about interacting with people. You need those interactions. You need to interact with teachers at school so you can do your work, ask questions, turn in assignments and seek help when you need it. You also need to have a few friendships. Friends help you when you need someone to talk to. Friends help you figure out the stuff you're going through as a teen. Friends help you stand up to bullies and study for tests.

Others may be making fun of you, but they are doing this because they, too, lack self-esteem. They do it to feel powerful and in control. Power gives people a false sense of being in control. It is important for you to know why they choose to act the way they do, whether they bully you, act superior or are just mean in general. When you understand their need for control and power, you can more easily walk away, and walking away removes their power and places it in your hands!

Low self-esteem sometimes leads you to put others down with name calling, teasing or gossiping. You become the bully and when you treat someone badly, even though it may feel good for a few minutes, ultimately you will feel guilty about what you did. Unfortunately, you can't take it back. Behaving in this way smashes any chance you have of building good, true relationships with anyone.

I know what you're thinking. You think you can just exist in your room by yourself. It doesn't matter if you have low self-esteem if you do that. You may believe you can ignore what others say about you with an "I don't care" attitude. Let's be real. You do care. Saying you don't care is a defense mechanism you have developed to protect yourself from being hurt. You care, and you know you care.

I grew up in a small town. I was always sad that my kids didn't get to grow up like I did. My mother didn't have to worry about someone kidnapping me when I was out with my friends. We roamed the neighborhood, and really the entire city, all day and until dark. This didn't mean I wasn't accountable for where I was. She knew what I was doing and where I planned to be.

My small town was like many; everyone knew everyone and everyone knew everyone's business. If someone got into trouble, everyone knew. If someone got a promotion at work, everyone knew. It didn't matter what the news was, it spread like wildfire.

I had many friends when I lived there. I had a boyfriend and a group of friends who all hung out together at lunch, after school, at dances, and sometimes at movies. We didn't really have a mall. We moved in August, right before I started high school, to a town about 2-1/2 hours northwest. I had no friends, no other family there. Just me, my brothers and my parents.

This made my freshman year very frightening. To go into high school knowing nobody is terrifying. My self-esteem, which had been pretty normal, was in the tank. I had none. I did make a few friends that year when I discovered a girl who once lived in my small town, but that only lasted my freshman year. Later, I did meet some neighborhood kids, but by then, the damage was done. I didn't get my self-esteem back until I was well into my 30s. It is my hope you will get yours back now, rather than spend that many years miserable, as I did.
You Care What Others Think

As human beings, we are naturally concerned with what other people think about us, especially in today's culture where anything and everything ends up on the Internet. This is particularly true of teenagers, who spend a lot of time checking social media. You want to make sure you look your best, say all of the right things, hang out with the right people, go to the right parties and sports events and get the right grades.

The teenage years are particularly cruel, but they are really just a launching point for adulthood and more of the same. I wish I could tell you it gets better when you become an adult, but so many adults have low self-esteem that it is possible for it to get worse. I don't say that to make you lose all hope. I say that because I want you to understand now is the time to get this under control! The older you get, the longer it takes to undo the damage already done to your self-esteem.

We care what others think, and to some small degree, it is okay for this to drive you, as long as you are also able to make choices and decisions independent of what people think. As a teen, the opinions which should matter most are those of your family. It is your family values which are instilled in you from birth, and which are most likely driving you. Unfortunately, for most teens, it is their peer group, or other kids in school, who more likely drive their decisions. You dress in a specific way because all of the other kids do, and to dress differently puts you in danger of being made fun of. This, of course, brings us back to social media and the danger of someone posting a photo of you and making fun.

As your self-esteem climbs, you will care less about what others think. You will feel more comfortable being an individual who dresses in what you like and what is comfortable. You may be someone other teens look up to as an example of how they want to be – confident and secure. It may be hard to imagine right now, but I promise you, it will come.
You Shouldn't Care What Others Think

When the thoughts and opinions of others drive every aspect of your life, it matters too much. I know it's difficult to understand, but your life will be much more peaceful and happy if you live in harmony with what you want, versus what you think others expect or want from you.

When you live your life in fear of what others think, you open yourself up to resenting others, not really knowing what it is you want or like, afraid to speak to anyone about your own opinions and always imagining someone, or everyone, is mad at you. You probably find yourself either hanging out completely alone, or with people you don't truly like. You find it difficult to make your own decisions or solve your own problems. It sort of freezes or paralyzes you.

I know it's easier for me to say be true to yourself than it is for you to follow through, but you have to trust me. You probably feel pretty confused much of the time. This is because you're not making decisions for yourself, you're making them out of fear of what others think. You aren't sticking to your own value system, but a false belief in someone else's values, or worse, their lack of values.

Can someone post a photo of you on Twitter and make fun of you? Certainly. But you must also realize that someone who thinks it's okay to do this has their own battle with self-esteem. Someone who wants to make fun of or, or tease others has low self-esteem. If their self-esteem was higher, they wouldn't waste time worrying about picking on you or anyone else. When others comment on that type of posting, they do so out of fear they could be next. You've probably been in that position, "Oh good, Andy is picking on Joe today and not me. I should 'Like' his post so he won't choose me next!"

As you progress through this book, you will find more information on many of the things I've mentioned here, including making your own decisions, solving your own problems and many others. These skills will be necessary in adulthood. Learning them now sets you ahead of the pack. It gives you an edge and allows you to begin earning the respect of the adults around you. As we will learn soon, it's not in your biology to be able to do some of these things yet, but I've never been one to back away from a challenge, and neither should you!
What Others Are Truly Thinking

People who bully others do so because of their own low self-esteem. There has never been a bully who felt good about himself. People who engage in activity which puts someone else down do so because they feel very low, powerless and out of control.

You give them power when you laugh at their teasing of someone else, pile onto their actions or stand there and take it. You take away their power when you walk away, tell them it's not okay or simply ignore them. If you're the victim of the bully that day, walking away is the most powerful thing you can do. Fighting them is not. Ignoring them will send them the message that you can't be bothered with them today.

As for the other kids you're worried about - why does their opinion matter so much? Look at the person whose approval you seek. If someone wants to truly be your friend, they certainly won't make you work at it. People who are your true friends accept you for who you are. They are friends with you because of your quirks and individuality, not in spite of them.

Everyone in your school has the same goal - acceptance. The problem with this is you will never be accepted by everyone, and to expect this is unreasonable. We are all different. Some are athletic, some are artistic. Some can write well, some are math geniuses. Some kids like animals while others love science. This is all good, and yet those who aren't athletic can feel as if they're prime targets for being bullied or, at the very least, teased a bit.

You walk around worrying every day. "Will anyone tease me for wearing this?" "Will they notice my hair didn't cooperate today?" "Does everyone see how old my shoes are?" Those are the same thoughts the majority of the kids in your school are thinking as well. You're all worried about pleasing each other - and you're all equally afraid.

It is my hope that learning this will help you begin to worry a little less right now. I know you won't magically wake up tomorrow morning with high self-esteem, but I can at least help you begin to understand the people you fear the most, so maybe getting out of bed tomorrow will be easier. At least one-fourth of the kids in your school feel just like you. Maybe as many as one-third. You're in good company, but you're not going to be hanging with them for long! We're pulling out the ladder so you can climb out of the doldrums. 
Your Confidence is Where it is Today Because...

Your confidence is where it is for any number of reasons. There are plenty of opportunities in your life to grow or damage your self-esteem, and it doesn't take very long to make it plummet. Often, self-esteem takes a hit because of a big event in your life, but it also suffers when you deal with several smaller things. They just pile up and keep chipping away at you. It's so gradual, you don't even notice.

I coach women who are battling confidence and self-esteem issues. What I find, time and time again, is that the damage was done during their childhood and often by things which happened at home. My heart breaks when I read some of their stories and learn about what they have gone through. Parents, who often do not mean to harm their children, go through their own battles and get so caught up that they can't, or don't, see what's happening to their children.

For one of my clients, it was a father just trying to support his family who caused immeasurable damage. This beautiful young woman came to be in so much turmoil, it broke my heart. She was unable to trust men and she always ended relationships out of fear the man was going to leave her. She wanted to avoid being hurt, so she would take control of ending things. It's hard to say if any of those men would have ended the relationship themselves. She never gave them the chance.

As it turns out, as I was coaching her, she spoke with her mother, who gave her insight. She told her mother how I mentioned she was showing a lot of anger toward her father. Her mother told her a story from her childhood about how the family moved to another country when my client was about 5. The dad was looking for work but couldn't find anything, so he went back to their native country. My client's mother shared with her how she cried and cried, something she didn't remember. She was afraid she would never see her father again. She did, of course, but the relationship was forever damaged simply because he couldn't find work. He was trying to support his family.

Other things chip away at your self-esteem. A bad class experience, being stood up at the school dance, flunking part of your driving test, parents who fight all of the time or are physically or emotionally unavailable all play a part in your self-esteem. As you get older, each relationship you get into (and out of) will take a chunk of your self-esteem. Life beats you up, and the beating began a while ago. The trick now is to get your self-esteem back where it should be so life will stop picking on you!

If you would like to read more about peer pressure, you should check out Winning the Game of (teen) Life, which Gregg wrote for both guys and girls! Click the cover below to get your copy now!

PART II:   
What's Happening   
in Your World
Biology 101

I don't need to tell you your body has been, and will be going through, many changes over your teen years. It is important for you to understand one thing right now: None, and I mean NONE of these changes are within your control. You have no control over the size of your breasts, the rate at which they develop or when you hit puberty. You have no control over the chemical reactions which are occurring in your body.

When you feel down about not being as far along, or further along than your friends, it is important for you to understand why. You shouldn't worry about those things. It is no more fun to be the girl who develops breasts before all of the other girls than it is to be the last one to develop. Girls who develop early are often labeled as being sexually promiscuous, even though there is no relationship between the two. For some reason, the girls who develop large breasts are viewed as being superior to those whose breasts are average or smaller. It seems silly, when you think about it, to gauge someone's popularity on something which is so far out of their control.

Each person is unique, and we all change at different times. This is true throughout your entire life. You entered, or will enter puberty at a different age than your friends, and you will enter menopause dozens of years from now, differently than your friends. Your hair will grow at a different rate than your friends, and it will turn gray at a different age than your friends. Your breasts will be a different size from you friends, your mother and your sisters, if you have any. Your teeth may be straight while your friend needs braces. This is how we were created. We are meant to be different.

I can remember a girl in my junior high, Kathy, who developed much earlier than the other girls. She was viewed as being sexually promiscuous. All of the boys thought she was sexually active and wanted to date her. She was miserable. She didn't want to have sex with anyone and didn't understand how all of the rumors about her being sexually active got started. She was constantly being hit on by guys who had no interest in her, but lots of interest in having sex with her. She was miserable, and it was all because her body changed earlier than the other girls.

Kids will tease you for where you are and it's important for you to understand what is going on. This should give you the power to walk away when someone says something negative to you about your body.

In addition to the visible changes, your brain and hormones are under fire throughout your teenage years, and many of these changes actually begin well before you are a teen. Your brain does not look anything like the brain of a fully mature adult, and it won't until you're in your mid-twenties, according to science . The difference between your brain and that of someone in their mid- to late-twenties is how you process information, how you control your impulses and movements and your ability to plan ahead.

What does all of that mean? You don't think like an adult, even though many adults expect you to. I don't tell you this so you have an excuse to make poor decisions or be impulsive. Quite the opposite. I tell you this so you can become aware of the areas in which you need to concentrate a little more.

Your responses to emotional situations are more dramatic than those of an adult. For example, the Homecoming Dance is coming up and you have your eye on a great dress! This dress is the only dress for you - you're convinced of it! Unfortunately, by the time you get your mom to the shop to purchase it, your size is gone. As a teen girl, you will probably have a very emotional reaction to this. I would expect tears. In your mind, there is no other dress which will do, but now another dress will have to be good enough. Your mother will probably lose patience with you long before this process is really over, making things worse for you. You're convinced she just doesn't understand how important that one dress was.

Yes. She does. She has been where you are. She may have forgotten, but she's been there. Of course, now, as an adult, she just sees your emotional response as aggravating and the process as time consuming, unless you're lucky enough to have a very understanding mother - or a highly emotional one who cries with you.

Now, you get to the dance with the substitute dress, and disaster strikes. As soon as you walk in, you see three other girls wearing the same dress. Oh, the horror. Your impulse is to run to the bathroom, where you would like to spend the remainder of the evening, even though your date assures you you're wearing it best. If your impulse control is really out of whack, and you have serious anger management issues, you may try to lash out at the other girls. How dare they wear your dress? Maybe you're at risk of becoming a victim of such behavior.

One of the most problematic areas I mentioned earlier is your ability to make good decisions. For reasons we've already discussed, many of your decisions are not based on your values or your upbringing, right or wrong. They are based on what the other kids will think. If you're hanging out with a group of friends and one of them decides to shoplift a candy bar, peer pressure and poor decision making may mean you'll try to steal one, too. Of course, you'll feel badly for it later, but it's too late then - the damage is done. One of the drawbacks of being a teenager is having regret later, after the damage is done.

The final issue with your brain development in your teens is a lack of ability to plan ahead. Unfortunately, being in school requires you to plan ahead. When you don't, you come to class unprepared to deliver a paper, turn in an assignment or take a test. Just because it's your chemistry doesn't mean you have a good excuse. It means you need to work a little harder to develop those skills.

On the upside, your ability to learn is higher than it will ever be right now. Even though other areas of your brain development aren't where you'd like them to be, you have a very high ability to learn to accommodate. When you know where your weaknesses are, you can compensate by learning more and concentrating a little harder.

Since your brain is different from those of the adults you come into contact with on a daily basis, you are at a higher risk of conflict. You probably disagree with your parents often because you don't understand one another. You crave independence while they worry for your safety and security. You crave being treated like an adult and yet your brain chemistry just doesn't allow you to act like one unless you really put some effort into it.

Still, you have the ability to recognize conflict when it comes up and manage it, whether it's someone your age or an adult. If someone is deliberately trying to make you mad or upset you in some way, the best thing you can do is walk away. If this person is an adult, you should tell them before you walk away that you need some time to cool down and think about things before you finish discussing the issue. This trumps getting into a shouting match any day and is a much more mature, adult way to manage conflict.

When someone makes you angry, there are a few steps you can take to calm down:

  1. Take deep breaths - breathe in slowly while counting to 3, then breathe out and count to 3; keep repeating this until you feel relaxed.
  2. Think about your possible reactions and consider the consequences before you make a choice.
  3. If you are still in the presence of the person who made you angry, keep your voice calm and low, speak slowly.
  4. Remove yourself from the situation - walk away or go to your room (without slamming doors).

Treat Yourself Well

We are all guilty of not taking care of ourselves first, and it gets worse when you are an adult, especially when you become a mother. Think about your own mom. Does she take good care of herself? She is probably exhausted, eating fast food at lunchtime, and maybe at dinner. She probably skips breakfast and runs out the door shouting "See you later, I'm late!" If you don't take care of yourself now, you aren't giving yourself a fighting chance with any other area of your life. Everything hinges on you taking care of yourself and being healthy.

Excellent health habits, developed in your teen years, give your body a fighting chance later against obesity, as well as cancer and other diseases. It is very important to treat yourself well, but what does this mean? It means you should make sure to get plenty of sleep and exercise. You should eat well and avoid risks which could cause you to get hurt seriously. Teenagers often think they're invincible. You don't need sleep. You can live on hamburgers and milkshakes with a few fries thrown in for a vegetable. Unfortunately, this is not true.

If your self-esteem is not very high, you may also be suffering from at least a low level of depression. With depression comes either sleeping a lot or not sleeping nearly enough. Everyone is different. You may come home from school and only want to head to bed to sleep. Part of this may be genuine fatigue, but some of it could also be not wanting to face a big homework project, protecting yourself from an abusive parent, sibling or friend, or a host of other reasons. It's easier to just go to sleep and forget it all than deal with the problem. Stress can also play a role in being tired. When you experience stress, it impacts your entire body. In the next chapter, we learn more about stress.

If you find yourself tired often, you should look first at whether or not you're getting enough sleep. Most people require 8 hours, but teens require more, as much as 9-1/2 hours. You're probably getting something like 6 or 7 hours. Try adding an hour and see if it helps. Since you probably need to get up at the same time every day, you'll have to lop that hour off of the end of your day - go to bed earlier. If that doesn't get it, add another hour. If you get to 9-1/2 hours and you're still tired, you may need to have a visit with your doctor. There are illnesses which cause you to be tired and you should make sure you're in good health!

Sleep isn't the only area teens neglect, though. Unless you're an athlete, you probably don't get enough exercise. I hate to say this to you, but when I was a teen (I promise, not too many of those), we walked and rode our bikes many places. I spent entire days at the pool during the summer. I rode my bike there and back every day. When we weren't at the pool, we were riding our bikes downtown to walk around. We ran around the yard, walked to each other's houses, climbed trees, played kickball, baseball and anything else we could find. We got out and exercised. Today, you hang out in your room on your phone or computer, or both, messaging one another and chatting via electronics. Many of you probably haven't owned a bike since you were 10. You don't walk anywhere, partly because our neighborhoods aren't set up for walking, but partly because you just don't hang out like we once did.

The thing is when you get enough exercise, you avoid becoming obese, you reduce your stress, and you keep your heart and lungs in good shape. You get out and get some vitamin D, which comes best from time in the sunshine. As an added bonus, Vitamin D is great for your skin!

Getting out of your room allows you to experience life, rather than just watching it on YouTube. It doesn't take a lot of effort to get in a little exercise. Walk to a friend's house or the ice cream store. Ride your bike to school. Take a walk around the block with your friend, instead of texting each other. It's better than sitting on your duffs in your bedrooms. Do something. Anything. If you are overweight, start small and work your way up.

Next is eating. I know what you're going to say. Your parents buy the food. School prepares lunch, or your mom. It's out of your control. This may be, but if I had to guess, I would say most parents would not argue with a child who asked for a few more salads with dinner, or broiled chicken instead of fried for dinner. If you approach nicely and ask in the right way, you just might make some headway.

When you're hanging out with your friends, you have a choice. If you're working and get a lunch or dinner break, you have a choice not to get a candy bar, but maybe something a little healthier. If you develop good habits when you are young, you will be more likely to carry them through as an adult. Of course, the alternative is to eat whatever you want now, put on the pounds and worry about it later. The problem is, later will come, and the more you ignore it now, the harder it will be later to get rid of it.

My oldest daughter had a friend, Michelle, who was a little overweight. Not bad, but enough. Both of her parents worked - a lot. They lived in a big, beautiful home. Michelle wasn't happy and took things into her own hands early in her high school years. She and my daughter weren't friends who hung out often, so I didn't see her for several months, and when I did, I barely recognized her.

Michelle took the initiative to eat healthier and she started running after school. She began to slowly lose the weight and she looked phenomenal. She was so much happier because she was healthy. She felt good about herself because she took the initiative to take care of herself. She had pride in how hard she had worked to slim down. Her confidence and self-esteem went through the roof! You can do this too! All it takes is a little effort on your part!

Don't worry, I'm almost done lecturing you. Remember, you are reading this book because you want your life to be different. Exercise and eating well are at the core of you feeling better about yourself, your schoolwork and your life.

I hear your arguments, don't worry. You're wondering why you need to care now. If there is nothing you can do about how your body works, you don't need to worry about taking care of it either. If it's doing its own thing and you can't change anything, why bother?

You are wrong. There are things you can change and things you cannot change. We talked about both. What is important is to know which ones you truly have control over and which ones you don't, so you worry about the right things and take action where you should, not where it is a waste of your time.
Accept Yourself –   
Never Be Ashamed of Your Body

We just discussed how your growth and development are out of your control. Yet, you will get teased for not being like everyone else. We talked about why others tease and pick on you. It is their own low self-esteem hard at work.

It is very important for you to accept your body as it is. If you're overweight or underweight, there is certainly something you can do to change things, but you cannot make yourself or any part of your body grow faster or slower. When you accept your body as it is, you begin to stop allowing people to pick on you for it. "Look at Amy. She's got a big butt." You know it, so your response can be to just keep walking. The person who is pointing this out has something about their own body they don't like, but it makes them feel good to pick at Amy's butt.

My youngest daughter was blessed, or really not, with large breasts. Some girls would be thrilled with this, but if you ask any girl who has a large chest, she will tell you it is really a curse. I am happy to say she never wanted to let her chest hang out of her clothes, but this presents her with problems when she goes shopping for clothes. Many styles today are either made to show off cleavage, or are made for girls with less of it.

You don't need to show off your cleavage. If you are attracting guys with sexuality, all they will want from you is sex. If you attract them by being a kind, intelligent person, they will want to be with you because they're interested in your whole being, not just what lies behind the zipper on your jeans.

I'm proud of her for not wanting to show her cleavage. She has a wonderful boyfriend now who values her for her uniqueness. She is a very spunky, high energy young woman who is driven to succeed. At 23, she is a general manager of a retail store and she has worked hard to get there. She earned that position while going to college, graduating with her bachelor's degree at age 21. She has goals and dreams. She values and accepts her body where it is, and works hard to make accommodations where needed. This allows her to focus on more important things in her life.

Your body is the most visible part of who you are. When you have a problem like being over or under weight, you can change it. Both situations are unhealthy, and both are signs of a problem. Food is intended to nourish your body. When you use it for the wrong reason, like comfort, or view it as the enemy, you are not placing the right level of value on it.

Food is not meant to comfort you. Think of food as the gasoline which powers your engine. Different foods provide different types of gas and give your body different benefits, or do harm. Foods with too much fat in them provide your body with too much fat to store, resulting in you being overweight. While everybody needs some fat in the diet, there are healthy and unhealthy types of fat. That is a subject for a whole different book. The important thing for you to know here is that food is fuel, not comfort. Food is also not the enemy. Making yourself throw up because you envision yourself as being fat will cause great harm to your body over time, and may cause you to die.

There are many stories of famous people dying from anorexia or bulimia. One from my generation was Karen Carpenter, a singer with an absolutely lovely voice who died way too young because she thought she was fat, when in reality she was deathly thin. Ultimately, her disease cost her her life. She had people in her life tell her she was fat, even though she wasn't. Her public image forced her to believe she needed to be thinner.

This takes us back to the original point: accept your body where it is, today. If you're overweight, you still need to accept your body in that state. Yes, you can work on becoming thinner, but if you accept where you are, it becomes a lot easier to get where you want to be. Accepting where you are doesn't mean you can't make changes for the better, it just means you're okay with it. You take away someone else's ammunition.

Too many young women wish they could be blond instead of brunette, have curlier hair, have blue eyes instead of brown, have long hair instead of short, have longer eyelashes, fuller lips, a smaller nose, or dozens of other different feature changes. But the truth is, those are the things which make you unique and you should be proud of how you look and who you are. Your true beauty is on the inside and comes from how you treat others, and yourself.

A truly beautiful person is one who is honest, a loyal and faithful friend, and someone who does what they say they will do. It is someone who loves those around them, without judging them. A beautiful person is someone who is a friend, especially when things are difficult. I have several friends who have now or have had cancer recently. True friends rally around someone experiencing a physical or emotional difficulty. In the case of my friends with cancer, people have signed up to bring food and come visit to offer comfort and moral support. We don't care what they look like, we just care about supporting them and helping them get through a difficult time.
You'd Be Surprised at What Stress is Doing to Your Body

Stress is something we all experience every day. Sometimes you are stressed because you have a test, or a big paper due. A job interview is stressful, as is waiting for report cards to come out. Those are stressful situations which are temporary. You surpass the stressful event and the stress is gone. Some situations, however, present longer-term stress. Things like being bullied, living in a home where there isn't enough money to buy food and pay the bills, having parents who are going through a divorce, or are already divorced, moving to a new town are just a few ways you can experience long-term stress.

The problem is how your body reacts to stress. It is uniquely set up to prevent you from harm, and to that end, when your body senses stress, it reacts in a number of ways. See if any of these things sound familiar to you.

The Chemical Reaction

In order to protect you, your body will immediately react to stress by releasing a few chemicals. Two main chemicals being released are adrenalin and cortisol. This is where the fight or flight response originates. You either want to fight back, or you want to run like crazy. Both of these can be difficult to resist. Your body releases these chemicals until it senses the stress is gone, then things return to normal. The problem is if you're under constant stress, these levels can remain high.

The result of this is you become super cranky, even more anxious than you may already be, become depressed, have headaches and are unable to sleep.

Your Heart and Lungs

When those hormones are released, they impact several systems of your body, including your circulatory (heart) and respiratory (lungs) systems. You will notice your breathing gets faster. This is so your body can get oxygen to more of your body more quickly. If you have asthma, this can make life difficult for you.

Those same hormones also make your heart beat faster and make your blood pressure rise by causing your blood vessels to shrink. This happens in case you are physically harmed in any way - your bleeding will be slowed. These things also help to transport that oxygen to your body, allowing you to have more energy and be able to react quickly.

When you feel stressed for a long time, it causes your blood pressure to remain high for longer than it should, and it will cause your heart to work harder than it should, for longer than it should. Your heart was made to work at a specific rate, and pushing it beyond that for long periods of time puts you at risk for heart disease.

Your Digestive System

When stress kicks in, your liver produces glucose (sugar) to increase your energy level. The sugar your body doesn't use is released back into your body. When you're under stress for a long time, this increased level of sugar can cause type 2 diabetes.

All of these responses going on in your body can cause you to have acid reflux or indigestion. This won't cause you to have ulcers, which is what my generation would call an "old wives' tale," but for people who have ulcers already, it can make them feel worse.

You might also feel nauseated, and could even find yourself vomiting. With this release of chemicals, your body may also change how it processes food as it passes through, which means you could either be constipated, or you could have diarrhea. Neither one is a whole lot of fun.

Your Muscles

As with other parts of your body, your muscles will react to stress by tensing up. Do you ever notice your jaw is tight or clenched? Maybe you notice your arm muscles are tight. All of this is designed to help protect your body from harm. If your body is under stress for a long time, your muscles will remain tight. You may notice your back or neck hurts. This is from tensed muscles for too long. You may also get a headache, which can come from muscles being tight, or several of the other systems in your body reacting to the stress.

Your Reproductive System

Stress also impacts your reproductive system, which for teen girls means you could have no period, or you could have heavier than normal periods - no fun! Your periods could also be longer and more painful.

Your Immune System

This is the system of your body which regulates staying healthy or getting sick. Initially, your immune system will react to help you heal quickly should you have any open wounds. Over time, though, the same chemicals which protect you will compromise your immune system. This means you're more likely to catch a cold or the flu. It can also mean it will take you longer to get well after you get sick.
PART III:   
Your Strengths and Passions
In Which Areas Do You Excel?

What are you good at? You may think you're not good at anything, but you're wrong. Did you know there are nine different types of intelligence? This means while you might not be good at math, you might be good at language or understanding people. You may not have an artistic bone in your body, but you're great with nature. This is important, because when we find something we're not good at, we tend to focus on that, rather than continuing on until we find something we are good at.

As an example, my brother majored in math in college. I'm okay at math, but he and my dad are great at it. My dad was a stickler for teaching us to do math in our heads, so both of my brothers and I can do math in our heads. I'm better at people, where my dad is good at people, but great with math. We all have some artistic skills, but my youngest brother is a fantastic artist. Anything I can do pales in comparison to the things he does.

The thing is, we're all okay with our own strengths and weaknesses. Even better, we know who to go to when we need help in a particular area. The same is true of you. Maybe you already know what you're good at, but you've never really thought of it in this way. As is our instinct, we focus on what we're not good at. This leads to putting yourself down and not putting energy into the areas in which you excel, areas you love.

Imagine for a moment having a job where you wake up every day and you can't wait to get to work. You love what you do so much you can't wait to get back to it. This is possible for you. Maybe not tomorrow, but sooner than you think.

You may think others will view you as egotistical or conceited if you figure out what you're good at, but you would be misunderstanding the definition of those words. It is not egotistical to know what you're good at. Knowing when you have done something great and being proud of yourself is good, as long as you don't take it too far. It helps you to see yourself in a positive light, instead of the negative light you view yourself in most of the time. This, in turn, helps you to believe in yourself.

Let's take a moment to compare confidence and conceit:

  * People who are conceited have very little confidence
  * Confident people don't need to boast about themselves to feel good
  * When someone compliments a confident person, the confident person accepts the compliment, acknowledging the thoughts of the other person
  * A confident person admits mistakes gracefully while a conceited person will never admit they've done something wrong
  * A conceited person has a "my way or the highway" attitude, where a confident person understands the value of getting input from others to improve upon something
  * A confident person sees things through the eyes of others, while a conceited person does not consider others at all
  * A confident person admits to hard work and that the contribution of others helped to get the job done, but a conceited person will never admit he got any help and will take all of the credit

If you don't know what you're good at, the best thing to do is to try different things. This can be scary, and if you don't have very high self-esteem, you may be afraid to take a risk like that. Being afraid is fine, but facing fears and taking small risks is exhilarating. That's all for another chapter. The point here is you will need to step outside of your comfort zone a bit to find what you love.

Take an art class, or find a friend who is good at art and ask them to teach you. Listen to different kinds of music and see if that lights your fire. Take a long hike and examine how being out in nature makes you feel. 
Nine Areas of Intelligence

Interpersonal Intelligence

With this type of intelligence, you are "people smart." You have a great ability to understand and communicate with people. You are sensitive to the moods and needs of other people. You also are able to understand different points of view. You would be well suited to be a leader among your friends because of your good communication skills and ability to understand the feelings of others. Great career choices for you would include becoming a teacher, an actor, a social worker or a politician.

Naturalist Intelligence

This type of intelligence describes someone who is "nature smart" but goes beyond being a nature lover and means you have the ability to discriminate among living things. You are sensitive to things relating to nature, like plants, animals, rocks, clouds, and water. It would also make you a great chef, and of course, a good botanist.

Musical Intelligence

I love music, but I definitely don't think it's a strong area of intelligence for me. As a kid, I learned how to play the flute and the piano, but I couldn't hear a song on the radio and go play it, not without sheet music anyway. That's the difference between me and someone with musical intelligence. This type of intelligence is one shown by composers, conductors, singers, and those who have a sensitive ear for music.

Logical-Mathematical Intelligence

To be "numbers-reasoning" smart means you can do math very well. You can think in an abstract way and you can use both inductive and deductive reasoning. With deductive reasoning, you can form a hypothesis and work on proving it true or false. With inductive reasoning, you observe something in a broad way and then make a general observation, based on what you see.

As an example, with deductive reasoning, you could form a hypothesis that when the sky is dark blue, it will rain. You then will study different colors of the sky and cloud patterns to either prove or disprove your hypothesis. With deductive reasoning, you will notice that when it rains, the sky is a dark blue and you will notice that the sky is a bright blue when it is not going to rain. After studying these patterns for a while, you can generalize and say that it rains when the sky is dark blue.

Body-Kinesthetic Intelligence

If you have this "body" intelligence, you are able to use physical skills in a variety of ways. It also means you have great timing with your body, so being a dancer or an athlete will come naturally to you. You would also be good as a surgeon and great with your hands in craft-related activities. My son is a good athlete and he also loves, and is very good at, woodworking. It is easy to see why he excels at both - this is an intelligence he possesses.

Linguistic Intelligence

Are you great with words and language? Can you use language to express yourself? Maybe you have an ability to understand things which have complex meanings. With this type of intelligence, you understand the meaning and the order of words. This is the most common type of intelligence. Writers, poets, journalists, public speakers and people who enjoy crossword puzzles fall into the category of those with linguistic intelligence.

Intrapersonal Intelligence

This really means you are "self smart." You understand yourself, your thoughts and feelings. You are able to use this knowledge of yourself to choose your direction. Not having this type of intelligence does not give you an out for not making your own choices in life. It just means you have to think about it a little bit harder. This is a type of intelligence seen in psychologists, philosophers and spiritual leaders. This type of person is very aware of their own feelings and is highly motivated.

Spatial Intelligence

Spatial intelligence seems as if it relates to space, and it does to some extent. What it really means, though, is you are great with three-dimensional space. Artists, sculptors, graphic artists, pilots, painters and architects all have spatial intelligence. This intelligence enables someone to use their mind to perceive things as they are and translate that knowledge into other areas.

Before we move on to discuss what you are passionate about, let me tell you a quick story about how your life could go if you're stuck in a mode of not knowing what you're good at.

Right out of high school, I went to college. Not because I wanted to, but because my parents forced me to go. They also forced me to "go away" to college, in an effort to get me away from my boyfriend. This effort failed miserably, just like I did in college. Yup, I flunked out. This was caused by one main problem: I had no confidence.

I flunked one class for the simple reason that when they read the attendance list on the first day, my name wasn't on it, and I was too scared to go ask the teacher, or anyone else about it, so I just never went again.

I had so little confidence in myself that I made many poor choices, including drinking too much (I was depressed), spending too much time with my boyfriend (I was afraid I'd lose him) and focusing too much of my energy on anything but school work.

I wanted to flunk out. I didn't want to be there and the only way out for me was for them to push me out. All because I had no confidence, no self-esteem. I didn't know then which area of intelligence I excelled in, and I had no clue what I wanted in life.
What Are Your Passions?

This might feel like a duplication of what we just talked about, but it's not. Let's start with the difference between what you're good at and what you're passionate about. You have strengths - we just talked about that. There are things in life you're just good at. You may not have figured out what those are, but you will.

When you are passionate about something, however, it means you really enjoy doing it, learning about it, sharing it or experiencing it. If you are passionate about animals, for example, you may love pet-sitting, walking dogs or going to visit the animal shelter. You might not eat meat because you have such a passion for animals. You may cry at the thought of an animal being put down or harmed in some way.

It is important for you to find things which stir passion in you. These things create excitement within you and motivate you to try new things. When you have passions, you can pursue them and find people with similar passions. This is a great way to meet new friends, and when you're older, to meet guys.

If you love to cook, you can take a cooking class and find others who share your interest. If you're passionate about art, you might find an art appreciation class at your local museum or the local college.

Passions are also great because they give you something to talk about. They make you interesting. This is important when you start dating later in life. Guys your age may not care now, but when they get older, they will. Men like women who can hold their own in a conversation. They also like women who have a lot going on. No man will stay interested in a woman for very long if all she does all day is sit at home and stare at the walls.

When you are passionate about something, it is easier to commit to it. You're not going to commit to pet-sitting for your neighbors if you don't like animals. You won't commit to studying education in college if you're not passionate about learning.

This leads us to another bonus of passions - they can steer your career. If you are lucky enough to make a career out of your passion, you're ahead of a lot of people. You will always be excited to get out of bed and go to work. You will be excited about always learning new things which relate to your passion.

I know you think you're not passionate about anything, but this is just because you haven't explored enough yet. You need to determine what it is you are passionate about so you can have something in your life which excites you. You need to get out there and experience life to find your passion.

Your passions will change to some extent throughout your life, mostly because you will experience new things. When I was a kid, my mother knitted all the time. I have a sweater today which she knitted herself when I was a kid. She knitted Barbie doll clothes, sweaters for me and my brothers, blankets for babies of friends and family, and a host of other things. She was passionate about knitting. When I was in high school, she got passionate about quilting. She has made dozens of quilts and still enjoys quilting, although she does less of it, as she is getting older. She has actually gone back to knitting and knits all the time.

The same will be true for you. You may find now that you are passionate about writing, art, music, animals or any of dozens of things. In 10 years, you may wonder why on earth you ever enjoyed it, or you could be even more passionate. That's the fun thing about life. It throws those little curveballs at you all the time.

How do you find your passion? You get out of your bedroom, off of your phone or iPad and you experience things. Join different groups at school. Try volunteering at a few different places. I thought I wanted to go into physical therapy when I was in high school. I think I took one of those aptitude tests which tells you what careers you might want to pursue. Anyway, I decided to volunteer at the local hospital and was able to do so in the physical therapy department. I enjoyed the work but I never pursued it as a career. I worked there for quite some time, a year or so maybe, but it just didn't grab me enough to pursue it later.

Some other things you can try are classes at local places like the library, craft and fabric stores, cooking supply stores and sometimes restaurants and local colleges. I took a really cool photography class at a local college once. I took a calligraphy class at a rec center. I enjoyed them all, but none turned into passions for me. The point is you just need to try stuff. Keep trying new things until you find things you love. Don't limit yourself to things which might be "cool" to your peers. Choose things which matter to you and you alone. True friends are found in those activities.
Recognize When You've Done Something Great

Most people look for recognition from outside. We look to others to validate how well we are dressed, if we did our hair and makeup right, and whether or not we pass muster in their eyes. Looking great is wonderful, but it is shallow and meaningless really. I know, as a teen girl, your world revolves around what others think of you, and for you, that means your appearance, but let's imagine something crazy for a moment. Let's imagine that what matters is what you do in your life.

Everyone in the world, regardless of their religion or where they were from, admired Mother Teresa. If you haven't heard of her, it is worth your time to Google her and learn about who she was. She was not admired for how she looked. She was admired for what she did. There are many others through history who are admired for what they did, with no regard for their looks.

When I say you want to recognize good things you do, what I mean is you need to understand your value in the world. You might not think this is important, but it could be one of the most important things you get from this entire book. It is so much easier, especially in your teen years, to focus on the things you're not doing well. Those are the things which make you the most vulnerable to teasing and bullying.

Recognizing your accomplishments is as easy as looking back over your day to see what you did. Did you work really hard at your job? Did you turn in an awesome paper that you're super proud of? Did you do something nice for someone? Even smiling at a stranger is doing something nice. You never know how much that person just needed a smile.

When you begin to focus on the things you're doing well, kindnesses you do, and hard work you put in, you begin to see yourself in a positive light. You become more and more immune to the teasing and bullying. You become more confident, your self-esteem begins to rise. The higher your self-esteem, the more immune you become to the negativity of others. The more immune you are, the happier you will be. There are some new studies which indicate this could ultimately help you live longer!

Does recognizing your accomplishments make you an egomaniac? Heck, no! What it does do for you is enable you to have the courage to try new things, meet new people, grow your life and become an unbelievably interesting person. Employers will see this in your character. High-value men will see this in your character. If you pursue higher education, counselors, professors and other students will see it in you.
PART IV:   
Make Your Own Choices
Be True to Yourself

When you are being true to yourself, you are acting in a way which reflects who you are and what you believe. You accept yourself as you really are, rather than trying to mold yourself into a person someone else wants you to be. You are living according to your values.

Values is a concept which wasn't introduced to me until I was in my 40s. Not as an actual "you have values, what are they" type of thing. It wasn't that I didn't have values, it was just that I never gave them a second thought.

Your values are your compass. When your life is not being lived according to your values, you are a very unhappy individual. What this really means is you're not being true to yourself. You are not living the life your heart and mind are telling you to live.

Your values are different from everyone else's. They will change as you get older. When you are young, your values often focus around friendships and appearance. As you get older, your values may focus more on money and school, but will still include friendships and appearance. When you're married, you will value honesty, fidelity, love and who knows what else. If you are spiritual, that will be part of your value system.

When you are true to yourself, these values matter to you. If you value honesty, but lie to someone, it will eat away at you until you make it right. If you value time with your friends, but always blow them off when they ask, you won't feel very good, and you will probably lose those friends over time.

Being true to yourself also impacts your goals. If you value healthy eating and you set a goal to lose weight, your goals and values are lined up nicely. If you value education, but spend all of your free time playing video games with your friends, you're going to be sorely disappointed when you get C's and D's on your report card, negatively impacting your goal to get into a good college.

When I first tried to determine what my values were, I was lost. I couldn't figure out what I valued. The concept just seemed too abstract for me - like one of those pictures with the circles and wavy lines - you look at it just right and you see the hidden picture - but if you don't look at it right, you see nothing except wavy lines and circles. I just saw wavy lines and circles. Luckily for me, I kept at it. I read different things online until I got a better idea of what values were.

One way to quickly determine some of your values is to imagine crisis situations like this:

Your mom let you drive the car to school today and you're feeling like a big shot! Just as you pull into the parking lot, she texts you and says your little sister fell and may have broken her arm. Mom needs the car NOW.

You have two choices - you could pretend not to see the text until later. OR, you could turn yourself around and head home to help out. The choice you make helps you to know where your values stand on family. If you were to decide to ignore your mom, you would be saying your family doesn't matter to you, but your appearance does, or your appearance matters more than your family. If you choose to go home, you are putting your family first. Let's try another:

Your best friend's boyfriend just broke up with her. She has called you, in tears. You are getting ready for a first date with the most hunky guy in school and you really don't want to cancel...but she's your best friend. What are you going to do?

If you tell her you've got a date with the hunky guy and you can't see her right now, you don't value your friendship as much as you value dating some guy. If you text the guy and tell him your best friend needs you and ask him to reschedule, you are putting your friend first. If you choose your friend and the guy dumps you, he wasn't worth your time to begin with, but if he thinks it's awesome of you to be with your friend, don't toss him aside! That guy is a keeper!

When you aren't living your life by your own values, things will get very confusing for you. You will be very unhappy. When you're confused and unhappy, you have more stress in your life. Long-term stress causes health problems. We've already talked about that.

In addition to lower stress, when you are living in tune with your values, it shows you have respect for yourself. The ultimate goal in life, especially teen life, is to have others like you. This means they respect you, if you want them to genuinely like you, that is. They will like you if you like you.

If your peers like and respect you, they most likely are kids who like and respect themselves also - they get it. These will be good friends, not fake friends. True friends embrace what is different about you, instead of trashing you on social media for it. True friends also have their own differences and aren't afraid to stand up for yours. They will support you, hug you when your dog dies, be there for you when upsetting things happen in your life, study with you, help you practice for your first job interview, and generally be your posse when you need one.

I spent many, many years not being true to myself. Those were, by far, the most miserable years of my life. I often ignored my own values, just plowing ahead, doing what "felt good" at the time. I spent money I shouldn't have spent, dated men I shouldn't have dated, went places I shouldn't have gone and did things I shouldn't have done.

I was completely and utterly miserable. My entire life was a huge hot mess. I had no money, no friends and no self-esteem. I hated every part of my life, except when I was with my kids, and even then, I wasn't happy because I knew my life was a lie.

The moment I woke up and began living my life by my own value system was such a wonderful one. I began to feel free. I began to feel peace. I began to enjoy my life and feel genuine, instead of like a fake. I began to be confident and have much higher self-esteem. I knew I was a worthwhile person who had something to contribute, instead of a fake, walking around with no money in her pocket and a head full of regret.

How do you know when you aren't living true to your own values? There are a few pretty clear signs you can look for in your own life which will help you figure out whether or not you're living true to your values.
Do You Feel You Need to Justify Your Decisions?

You cheat on a test, but you try to justify it by saying the test was way too hard and the teacher was out to flunk everyone. You had to cheat. This is justifying, and it tells you that you knew what you did was wrong all along.

What Does Your Gut Say?

It took me a long time to learn to listen to my gut. I had to go against it a few times in order to recognize it was usually right. This is especially true of men. You know how it is when you're around people - some of them give you a creepy feeling in your gut that you just can't ignore. Don't ignore it!

How Do You Feel?

Do you feel pretty much okay with what just happened, or do you feel guilty? Feeling guilty is an easy signal to recognize and tells you you're not being true to yourself.

Tell Yourself It's No Big Deal

You do small things which go against what you believe, but you try to tell yourself it's no big deal. Maybe you gossip a little about someone or you find yourself speaking badly about something you said or did. Even small things like this will bug you because you're not being true to yourself.

Do You Break Promises to Yourself?

I am great at this one right now! My head says it's time to eat a more healthy diet. My stomach says go for it, get the fries. Afterward, I feel guilty and beat myself up for not choosing a healthier option. This does me no good, of course, but I still do it. I'm a work in progress!

Do You Enjoy Drama?

Some people, like my mom, just love having drama in their lives. To a point where it seems they create it if none exists. She imagines people are angry with her. Part of this is just low self-esteem all together, but part of it is a need for drama.

Do You Look to Other People to Validate You?

In other words, do you believe, on your own, you're a good person? Do you need to be told by others that you are? Seeking validation from outside, rather than inside, tells you you're not being true to yourself.

Do You Put Off Things You Need to Do?

This is another one I've struggled with in the past. This usually comes from being afraid. You put off looking at your report card because you're afraid of what might be on it. You put off going home from school because you're afraid your parents are arguing again.

Do You Feel Like You're Carrying Around Something Really Heavy, but You Don't Realize It Until It's Gone?

Let me give you an example. When I was married, I didn't realize how heavy a burden I was carrying. The first night my husband left, I felt like an elephant had gotten off of my chest. I felt such a relief. I actually felt lighter. I didn't even know how heavy the burden of my marriage had become until my husband had left.

When you choose to be true to your own values, you begin to feel a sense of peace and freedom. It is unbelievable. Your stress level is reduced, so the physical symptoms are gone. Once you begin to explore your values and live by them, you will see what I mean and you will be so glad it didn't take you into your 40s to figure it out!
Make Your Own Choices

Up until now, your parents or guardians have been making most of your decisions for you, but you are approaching an age where you will be by yourself more, like in college or jobs, and you need to be able to make choices for yourself. When your parents make your choices for you, you don't have to think much about the impact those choices have on others.

Your parents decide which school district you live in, what house you live in, what clothes you wear, and on and on. Now, though, you are getting older, maybe old enough to have a job, and you need to make a very important choice of what to do with your money. You will need to choose each day whether or not to honor your commitment to your employer and show up for work. You will need to make a choice of what to wear.

As you get older, you will need to choose what you will do after high school. Will you go to college? Will you go to a 2-year or 4-year? Will you learn a trade? Will you get married? All these are choices which must be made, and not small choices either, biggies. If you begin to learn now how to make smart choices while you are still living with the support of your parents, you can practice. It's like having a bike with training wheels. You get to take them off when you leave home after high school, but if you haven't practiced with them on first, you will fall down and get hurt!

When you don't know how to make good choices, you make poor choices, which means you, and possibly other people, get hurt. Poor choices lead to poor consequences. If you buy a car, but fail to make the payments, the people you bought the car from can take it back. Now, you have no way to get to work, school or to hang out with your friends.

Once you pile up a series of bad choices, followed by a series of bad consequences, you begin to feel hopeless, which leads to more bad choices and more bad consequences. It spirals out of control. It doesn't mean you're stuck in that world, but the longer you go, the harder it is to crawl out.

If you go through life allowing others to make choices for you, those choices will be made with their best interest, not yours, in mind. When someone else's interests are being served, rather than your own, you will be miserable. You could also be placed in dangerous situations.

Imagine a boyfriend who makes all of your choices for you. He makes a choice that the two of you to steal a bunch of cigarettes from a local mom-and-pop shop. You go along, because you aren't confident enough to say "No," and you both get arrested. You now have the stigma of an arrest on your record. This negatively impacts your ability to get into some colleges, your ability to get many jobs, and your own self esteem. You lose the respect of people, like parents and teachers and friends who saw this whole mess coming.

In addition, allowing someone else to choose for you is like giving your life away. You are saying, "I don't matter enough to myself to make good choices for me, so I will allow someone else to do it and go along with whatever happens."

You should care what happens to you. You might think nobody else cares, but someone does. That someone may have even tried to tell or show you they care, but your self-esteem is in the dumper and you don't believe anyone could care about you.

It's time to take a stand. It is time to begin making your own choices. It is time to have respect for yourself. It is time for you to practice being an adult. That is what being a teenager is all about. If you put it off, before you know it, you will be attending a college you never wanted to attend, studying for a major you have no interest in and living a life someone else chose for you.

When I was in high school, my parents decided I needed to go away to college. We had a university in our home town, but they were trying to get me away from my boyfriend. We toured a super preppy college one time. On that tour, I was dressed up in a navy blue wool suit with a blazer. There was no part of the day that was me, from how my hair was then to the clothes I was wearing. I hated the school and luckily, they at least honored my decision to say no to it. I ended up at a university about 45 minutes away from home. I hated it too, and as I've mentioned previously, I flunked out after 2 quarters because I lacked the confidence to be there - and I hated it.

Don't be like me. Stand up for yourself. Begin making your own choices now. Show your parents you are capable of being responsible and making good choices. This will help them to feel more confident in allowing you to do things with your friends and to make the big choices of life, like where to go to college.
Who Are Your Friends?

Your friendships throughout your lifetime are very important. Friends are there for you through thick and thin. They have your back when someone else is aiming a social media rant in your direction. They love you for your quirkiness and embrace you for being different. They would never, ever embarrass you in front of anyone else and they will take your secrets to the grave. True friends are hard to find, but once you do, they can be your friends for life!

My youngest brother still stays in contact with guys he has been friends with since elementary school. Of course, now that they're all in their 40s, they're spread out across the United States, but if one of them needed the rest, they would all fall in as if they still lived 10 minutes away.

When the boys were all in college, one of them got very sick and ultimately passed away. He had a severe allergic reaction to something. While the boys were all in colleges in various locations, most of them were able to go visit their sick friend before he passed. After his passing, the boys were there for one another as a very strong support system. They were all there for the funeral, to comfort his family and one another.

I didn't have this type of friends when I was younger. We are two very different people. I wish I had. Don't be like me - going through life with nobody to have your back when the chips are down. I have friends now, but I am still learning what it means to BE a friend. Luckily, they are all great examples of what it means to be a good friend, and I am learning quickly!

The challenge you have as a teen is choosing the right friends. Your inclination is to gravitate toward the popular kids. They might even seem as if they're interested in being your friend, but odds are against this being the case. I'm not saying all popular kids are mean and spiteful people, but you shouldn't want to be their friend based on their popularity.

There are many cliques in school. While I never watched it, I can imagine the movie Mean Girls could come into play here. Something more in my daughters' generation would be Legally Blonde: the group of girls who have their exclusive "club" which, if you're lucky, you will be invited to join.

I have three words of wisdom for you here - approach with caution! They might invite you to join, and I don't mean to put you down by saying this, I don't even know you, but I know how they operate. They are inviting you for one of two reasons.

They want to put you in a situation where they can truly humiliate you. They may invite you to a party or a sleep-over, or whatever teen girls are doing these days, but they really are inviting you to put you in awkward situations so they can make fun of you. They will likely have a trick or two in place to make sure the job gets done. Maybe they've spiked the punch or done something else which will cause you to embarrass yourself. They may try to dig into your personal life, appearing to show interest, while really they are looking for more things to use to humiliate you later.

Their second reason for inviting you could be to add followers to their troupe. A clique always has a leader. There is one queen bee who has gathered her collection of followers, and she is always looking for one more. She wants you to dress in the way she dictates, be friends only with the other members of the clique, eat with them, party with them, defend her regardless of what she is doing, and generally give up your individuality.

These leaders, who are actually suffering from a gross lack of confidence, are looking for girls like them, oddly enough. Girls with very little confidence who will easily take orders. They are not remotely interested in what is best for you. They have an agenda, and it is to make themselves look good. Beyond that, they couldn't care less about you. If you fail to fall in line, you will be booted and humiliated until they find someone else to pick on.

So you're clear, I want to run through some signs of a true group of friends:

  * People can move in and out of the group without anyone's permission
  * They are usually centered around a common interest, like horses, art or music
  * They back you up when the chips are down
  * They would never embarrass you

In cliques:

  * The focus is on maintaining their high level of popularity
  * You cannot join without permission
  * They use their "power" to intimidate other people through excluding them, being mean to them, trying to "fix" them or give them a makeover, or targeting them for being different
  * They do everything together; you will always see them as a group
  * They have a lot of rules and there is a lot of pressure within the clique to adhere to those rules

Cliques are full of the "popular" kids, and those who aren't part of the group want to be. Nobody wants to be left out of the popular crowd. Those on the outside also don't want to become a target, so it's safer to be inside the clique than outside. A clique appeals to both those who have a need for control and those who want to sink into the shadows. For the control-needy teen, a clique provides them a group of followers, as we discussed earlier. The teen in control can easily manipulate the members of the group, who are, by nature, followers anyway. These followers would rather sacrifice some of their freedom than to become a target of the group.

If you have confidence, you will not be allowed in a clique, nor do you want to be part of one. With confidence, you pose a serious threat to the leader. Since the leader craves control, they're not going to give it up to you or anyone else. For those who are on the inside already, their status within the clique is always at risk. If you're caught talking to someone on the outside, you could get booted. If you become a threat to the leader, you're out. From the outside, these cliques appear to be appealing, but it is so stressful to be included, it is not even close to worth your energy.
Taking Responsibility for Your Choices and Actions

We've all had a moment or ten in life where we wanted to disown something we have done or said. As a teen, you are a more emotionally reactive person. This means you don't always think before you react. It's just how your brain is wired right now. This is not an excuse to do things which hurt you or others. It means you now are aware and you can make adjustments.

It is usually painful to accept responsibility for your actions. This probably means there is a consequence involved. After all, anyone wants to accept responsibility for the good choices, whether you really played a part or not. But to take responsibility for something which went wrong is a whole other critter. You could be embarrassed. You could be setting yourself up for punishment or some form of negative consequence. You have to admit you made a poor choice.

Yes, all of those things can happen, but what also happens is you grow a little bit, and you gain a little bit of respect for yourself and from others. You read that right. Other people will respect you for accepting responsibility. In fact, often what happens is your consequences are less severe when you own up to something, rather than try to blame someone else, lie about it or cover it up and pretend it didn't even happen.

I was recently doing some work for a client and I made a BIG mistake - HUGE. I saw it unfold before me, and we were texting at the time. I immediately told him what had happened. Was he happy? No. He was not and he shouldn't have been. I screwed up. But I owned it right off - before he could figure out what had happened, I told him. In fact, it confused him because he didn't understand what I was telling him at first. Later that day, he made an equally big mistake. I still work for him. We still talk. It's all still good, and part of that is because I didn't try to sugar-coat, hide or lie about what happened. I owned up to it and we moved on.

Why don't we, as human beings, like to accept responsibility? Because it usually means we have to admit we failed in something. We failed to be careful. We failed to pay attention as we should have. We failed to complete something by an assigned time or in a predetermined way. We failed.

We are taught early in life that failure is okay. We are taught to get up, brush it off and try again. This is how we learn to roll over, crawl, stand up, walk, ride a 2-wheeler and read, to name a few. If I could figure out the point in life where failure becomes a bad thing, I'd start a movement to change it, but I honestly think it is such a gradual process that there is no clearly defined starting point. Whatever it is, it sets you on a course of fearing failure.

It's time for a course correction. It is often said that Thomas Edison failed 1,000 times before he successfully invented the light bulb. Of course, in school you're just taught the accomplishment, not the failures. Imagine if you were also taught about his 1,000 attempts. Did he stop trying after 1? 10? 100? 900? No. He kept trying. In fact, a famous quote by Edison is, "I didn't fail 1000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1000 steps."

The meaning of his statement is that each time his attempt did not work, he learned something, made adjustments and tried again. Finally, he got it. In his youth, Edison's teachers considered him "too stupid to learn anything."

Failure is an opportunity to learn. When my kids were in school, I never got upset over their grades as long as I felt they were trying. When they would bring a test home, my only question was, "Do you understand what you missed?" I would ask this because to understand what was missed is to learn something new. It is to grow a little bit more and have more information to lead you to the next try.

Moving forward, it is important for you to view failure in a new light. In fact, you need to stop using the word failure, especially to describe yourself. When something doesn't come out the way you wanted, you have created a learning opportunity. What you are calling a failure was an event in your life. It does not define who you are. YOU are not a failure. What you tried did not succeed, but you are going to learn from it and try again. You have not failed. You have taken another step toward success. There are thousands of books written just on this subject.

To further advance your self-esteem, you should read Winning the Game of (teen) Life, which includes an action plan to help propel you forward. Click the cover below to get your copy now!

PART V:   
What's Holding You Back?
Understanding What You See and Hear

Every day, in just about every place you go, you are bombarded with some sort of media. It might be a YouTube video which has ads playing before and during the video. It may be a magazine ad you see during study hall. Maybe it's something on television, the radio, or in social media. Regardless of where it comes from, it has an impact on you, whether your realize it or not.

The influence on your life is deliberate. The people who pay for that advertising have a purpose in mind, and it is not generally to benefit you specifically, but to benefit their own cause, and there is your problem.

Unfortunately, they use methods which present you and your friends with unrealistic body images, violence and language nobody should be using, let alone someone who is directing their advertising at teenagers. If you aren't a teen girl with a body resembling that of the girls in the ads, this will cause you to think less of yourself. When you see video games which promote violence, it begins to make violence more "normal" in your world. Foul language over and over begins to say, "It's okay to talk with a trash mouth, in fact, it's cool." No. No. No.

What should you do? You can't avoid all of these things. They're coming at you from every direction, all day long. You need to learn how to think differently about these ads. It's important to look at ads with a skeptical eye. Ask a few questions. Let's look at an example.

Who is paying for this ad? American Apparel in this case.

What is the purpose of the ad? To sell clothes, makeup, shoes, purses – what do they want to sell? This is a clothing ad, but what does it look like it's selling?

What do they want you to do? They want you to buy whatever they're offering. They feel, in this case, that making you feel as if you will be sexy is an enticement to get you to buy this outfit.

How does this ad make you feel? Does the ad make you feel uncomfortable? Does it make you feel like you could become someone you don't think you are?

Why are they using this method to sell their products? Because they are appealing to your insecurities. They think if they appeal to an insecurity you have, you will be more likely to buy their products, especially if they "promise" you popularity with boys.

Now, think it through. Do you really believe buying their products will make you more attractive to guys? Have we not already discussed how dressing in a sexually appealing way will make guys think you only want to have sex with them? So ... you decide.

Your challenge from now forward in your life is to use this type of keen eye to determine where the truth is in an ad, if there is any. If it is a political year, you will have some really prime advertising to examine for truths and lies. Nobody lies better than a politician, especially if it is something about an opponent. Learn to look up the facts about anything. Learn to think realistically about what you are seeing. Learn to ask questions. Don't just take things for granted. 
Are You a People Pleaser?

People pleasing might seem like a good gig. You go around, doing wonderful, helpful things for other people all of the time. You make them happy. You push your own limits to satisfy the needs of someone else. It makes you feel good, or you think it does anyway.

The problem is this: Being a people pleaser is not healthy. It puts you in a position to be doing too many things for other people and none for yourself. Is this a selfish attitude? No. When you commit all of your time to making others happy, your life becomes too busy, too stressful, too exhausting.

It is often difficult to recognize that you are being a people pleaser. It sneaks out in little ways. It can come out in the form of sarcastic comments. "Sure, I don't mind giving up my whole day to babysit for free ... noooo problem." That right there, my friend, is sarcasm. Now, the person on the other end of that statement will probably chuckle and say something like "Okay, great! See you on Saturday!" completely missing the sarcasm, or ignoring it all together.

It can also come out in the form of a sharp comment or a subtle action. All of these methods of showing your people pleasing side are really tiny ways to let out your anger or resentment over the situation.

If you are a people pleaser, you say yes to nearly everything you are asked to do. You do not hold true to your own values, but are always more concerned with keeping other people happy. You give your time and energy to things you really don't care about.

Being a people pleaser has its roots in your childhood, so you may still be living with the causes of your tendencies to make others happy first. When you want to please others at your own expense, you are either afraid of being rejected, or you are afraid of failing at something. Let's look at each one individually.

When you fear rejection, you are afraid of someone abandoning you. This abandonment can be physical. They actually are no longer around for you to see and interact with them. It can also be emotional. They are still around, but they don't show you any affection or give you much, if any attention. The person or people who abandoned you are usually close to you - parents, siblings, close friends.

When you fear failure, you are afraid of either disappointing someone or being punished for something. Many times, this comes from being severely punished for something small in your past, or from being strongly criticized for something, or everything. You may feel as if you have a parent or parents who, no matter what you do, find something wrong or are not happy. Regardless of how hard you try, it's never good enough.

When you are a people pleaser, you may find yourself almost paralyzed at the thought of trying something new on your own. It is much easier to stay within your comfort zone of things you know you can do well, things which please those around you.

People pleasers are not true to themselves. As we have talked about already, this leads to a stressful life. It can also make you resent things you might otherwise enjoy. If you always have to take your little brother to soccer practice, even though you would rather be studying or working at an after school job, you will come to resent taking him, even though you once really enjoyed watching him play.

If you are a people pleaser now, the good news is you can change. Maybe not overnight, but with a few easy steps, you can be well on your way to living your own life, happily.

The first step is to take back the power in your life. It is very important for you to realize you can say "No" when someone asks you to do something. You may feel limited in this, since you're a teen who lives under someone else's roof. You're required to adhere to rules set by others, but there are times when you can say "No." We will talk more about this soon.

The next thing you need to do is prioritize. You already know you need to live true to yourself, so you've already explored your own values. Now, it's time to put some priorities in place. Do you want to get into a good college? Do you want to earn a lot of money to buy a car? You should also prioritize the people in your life. Your parents, family and teachers should be at the top of your priority list. Whatever your priorities are, get them lined up in the way which reflects your values, not someone else's.

When someone asks you to do something, your third step is to learn to say "Let me think about it," rather than automatically saying "Yes." If they need an answer right away, say "No." You have the option to go back and say yes later, but it's much harder to say yes immediately and change it to a no.

If you do agree to help someone with something, set a time limit. "I can only help you with your homework until 6:00." You don't need to say why, just set the limit. This helps both you and the person you are helping realize you have boundaries and you will be sticking to them. If you set this limit, stick to it!

Think about whether or not the person asking is manipulating you. A good manipulator begins a request with sentence starters like "You're so good at" or "You have such an ability to." If you think you are being manipulated, say no.

Find yourself a mantra to say when you see someone approaching. It can be short and sweet, like "No" or "I can say no." The important thing is to change the talk inside your head from "I have to do this to make Joe happy" to "I can say no because I don't have time" or whatever.

When you say no, mean it. Don't let someone talk you out of a "No." You don't need to provide them with the reasons you are saying no. This only gives them openings to argue those reasons. Just say no and be done with it. If they ask why, say you have personal reasons. Done.

Also, when you say no, say it in a way which lets the other person know you do understand their dilemma. "I know you have a test in Chemistry tomorrow, but I am not able to help you this time." This tells them you understand where they are coming from, but it's still no.

When you are saying no, you need to choose the proper times to do so. In other words, if a teacher asks you to do a homework assignment, you can't really say no, but if a friend asks you to hang out after school and help them with their homework, you can say no. If your parent really needs your help transporting your little brother to soccer, you may not be able to say no, but if they ask you to take him to buy his new video game, you might have more leverage.

If saying no gives you a lot of anxiety, start small. Try using the delay tactic first. If what you need to do is confront someone, start by just saying a friendly "Hi" as you pass in the hallways. The next time, maybe you can hint at what's bugging you. "Boy it sure does get old looking at all of those nasty comments on Twitter." Of course, the comments are about you, by this person, but for now, you're leaving that part out. On your third pass, if they haven't figured it out yet, you can be more direct, "I would appreciate it if you would stop posting negative things about me on social media." Done. That's all you need to say, and you gradually walked into it with kindness.

When you do take small steps, or when you do say no, reward yourself. Make sure you realize how difficult that was, but how good it felt. Don't let the guilt feelings overrun you. You did a good thing by standing up for yourself.

Never apologize for saying no to someone. Their dilemma is not your fault, nor is it your problem. They may try to guilt you into thinking it is, but it isn't and you should remember that.

It is important for you not to be afraid of what will happen when you say no. You have grown accustomed to being criticized or feeling guilty for things you say and do, but it's time to break out of that mold. If someone is upset with you for saying no, they have chosen that reaction themselves. They could just as easily choose to be understanding and appreciative of you and your time. They are making a choice, not you, for how they react. Let them own the fallout.

Finally, it is important for you to understand you cannot now, nor will you ever be able to be everything to everyone. If you can learn this lesson in your teens, you will have a much more productive and happy adulthood. Look around you and see if you can identify people pleasers. They may be your own parents.

My mother is a people pleaser. I honestly didn't think of her in that way until I researched this chapter of the book. She definitely falls into the category of needing to be needed. If I had to make an educated guess, I would say it comes from both a fear of rejection and a fear of failure. She has spoken often of how hard her mother was on her as a child. She has described herself as the "workhorse" while her older sister was the "beauty queen." She carries resentment to this day and she is 73 years old. She and her sister are not very close, which saddens me, and I think it is due to this 60-some year old resentment, which is really to be placed on her mother, not her sister. In addition, however, I know she must have felt abandoned by her father, who left the family not once, but twice. There were many years in my childhood where I didn't see him, and then there were many where I did. I am glad she was able to resolve it so I could spend his last years getting to know him.

Even now, as she is getting older, she puts herself at risk of being stressed and exhausted, for the sake of others. For one of my brothers, she goes the extra mile to help take care of his children, especially now that he and his wife are divorced. She has always picked them up from school and taken care of them if they were too sick to go to school. Now, though, she takes on other responsibilities when neither he nor his ex-wife can do them. She also goes to his house and cleans, does dishes and does the family laundry. I know she's exhausted. I know she is tired. I know she does it because she can't say "No."

I recently moved. I asked people from my church to help me with the boxes and had movers do the furniture. I had witnessed her helping that same brother with his move just a few months earlier. I had helped, as had my other brother. I saw how exhausted she was. She had worn herself out to the point of needing a cane because her knees are so bad. When I moved, I was determined not to have her help. I didn't want to wear her out. As it turns out, she felt slighted. She felt as if I was mad at her for not asking. She expressed this to one of my daughters, who quickly told her my goal was to watch out for her health and not wear her out. I feel badly, I guess, that I didn't enlist her help in some way, but I was set on not hurting her. 
It's Time to Make Your Own Decisions

Within you is a lot of stuff you might not even know about yet. One of the things inside you is an internal compass. This compass is what guides you to your true north, if you listen. The problem is, you have a lot of compasses in your life. Your parents are pointing you in one or more directions. Your teachers and coaches are pointing you in different directions. Your guidance counselor is pointing you in some direction or another. You are getting to a time in your life, however, where you need to follow your own compass, respectfully to the adults in your life.

I believe I already told you I didn't start out my after-high school years in the way I wanted to. I followed the course forced upon me by my parents. I hated it and I flunked out. It was most likely intentional. What I mean by that is I didn't want to be there, but I didn't have the courage or ability to stand up to my parents and follow my own compass. Some part of me knew I didn't want to be there and sabotaged the whole deal. It's no excuse and I don't recommend it, I'm just telling you what happened.

Here's the rub. I really believe, if I had been allowed to choose, at that point in my life, and if I had the confidence I was lacking, I would have gone to medical school. I love medicine. I love helping people. After I flunked out of college, my parents forced me into a local business college where I got an associate degree in medical assisting. I barely ever used it because I also got myself pregnant. A boy I had dated since high school, who had been part of my sabotage college plan, and I had gotten engaged on Christmas Eve of our first year out of high school. By the time I graduated with my associate degree 2 years later, I was pregnant with our daughter. We got married and he graduated from college right before our son was born, 25 months after our daughter.

I love my children, all four of them, and I never ever wish they weren't here, but I do wish I had the courage to make different choices during that early adulthood time of my life. I don't regret having them, but I do regret having them then.

I didn't find my own internal compass for quite a few years. It became the undoing of my marriage when I did find it. That's a whole other story, though. One for a different book. When I did find my compass, when I did begin making decisions for myself, I became a happier, stronger and more confident person. I had a voice. I had an opinion. I still wasn't as strong as I am today, because while I found my compass, I didn't always use it. Only sometimes.

I dare say I've only been fully using my own compass for maybe 3 years. I want you to start much earlier in your life! I want you to start now! The last few chapters have been leading up to this moment. We talked about being true to yourself. We talked about making your own choices. We have talked about ending the people pleaser game. Now, we are going to talk about making your own decisions. You may feel a bit confused right now between what a choice is and what a decision is, so let's clear that up right now.

A choice is more of a mindset. The origin of the word choice means to perceive. When you pull those together, it means you are perceiving what is right or wrong. It doesn't have anything to do with taking action.

A decision is an action. The origin of the word means cutting off. You are going through a process to take something to its end. You decide to go to a specific college. You had several choices of colleges, but you decided upon one in particular.

Clear as mud right? Let's continue. Let's examine a few ways in which you can determine whether or not you're making your own decisions. If you do any of these things, you are not making your own decisions, someone else is. You:

  * Seek approval for decisions before you take action
  * Don't question anything, just conform to what everyone else is doing
  * Feel the need to follow trends, rather than your own preferences
  * Worry about what others will think of what you do
  * Make a decision based on how popular it will be among your friends
  * Do what someone else suggests, even though you don't want to
  * Follow the crowd because it's easier
  * Change your mind when someone asks you why you made a specific decision
  * Regret decisions
  * Have lots of excuses for why you made a certain decision

Those signs will help you to identify whether or not you're making your own decisions, but once you discover the decisions in your life are being made by someone else, what do you do? How to you begin to make your own decisions?

Let me begin by saying you're in a tricky spot. Your parents are still in control of your life, however, this doesn't mean you can't have a voice, respectfully. Having and using that voice becomes easier when you learn how to communicate effectively. For example, let's imagine you need a new pair of jeans. The jeans you have are getting too short and a little snug. You have two choices of how to ask.

You can go to your parents and demand they buy you new jeans. I'm guessing you know how this will end. Probably not with new jeans. Your second option is to go to them with a mature position. "Mom, I know you're really busy this weekend, but if I help with the cleaning, do you think we could go to the mall after lunch so I can get a new pair of jeans?"

Odds are, you'll get the jeans unless it's just really a financial strain. In that case, you could offer to earn some of the money to help pay. The point is this, though, you went to your mom with her perspective and her difficulties in mind and you acknowledged them, rather than demanding the new jeans. This immediately puts you in a position of being understanding of the other person's needs before you satisfy your own. It's a very mature and very effective way to communicate and get something you want or need.

Back to decision making. How can you go from not making your own decisions to making them? First, keep those communication skills in mind. Always approach someone with understanding. Second, start small. Don't start making your own decisions with a huge life decision. Decide on a new pillow or comforter for your room. Decide on what dress to wear to prom or what topic to write about for a paper.

Begin to look at how you go about making decisions. What is your process? It probably includes a few unnecessary steps, like "ask my friends" or "look on Facebook to see what everyone else is doing." Those are the steps you need to get out. Look back at those bullet points and eliminate any of the steps you have on that list.

Look at the decisions you've made in the past. Did they come from your heart? Did they represent you? Moving forward, your decisions need to come from deep inside you, from your compass.

Think about how much convincing you need regarding the decision. If you need to sell it to yourself, it's not in line with your values. You're not being true to yourself. What does your heart say? In which direction is your compass trying to send you?

Take a new view of advice. Advice is not hard-core, you have to do it this way stuff. It's advice. Just because your counselor advises you not to apply to a certain college doesn't mean you shouldn't. What do you think? Challenge the advice others give you, maybe not in front of them, but do your research. Is their advice right for you?

Finally, look at all of your choices. Weigh them. Do research if you need to. Sit quietly somewhere and put your mind at rest. Focus only on breathing for a few moments to quiet your mind, then begin to consider the question and listen to your compass. What is your heart telling you to do? What do you want? Remember, you are the one who has to live with the consequences, right or wrong. If you get push-back from someone on your decision, this is a great thing to remind them of. It says you are taking responsibility for whatever occurs due to your decision.
The Importance of Trying New Things

On the surface, this sounds easy and you might wonder why it's even in this book. But it is, and I suggest you keep reading. When I say try new things, I'm not necessarily talking about the Brussels sprouts your mom keeps putting on your plate at dinner. I'm talking about trying a new style of clothing, a new haircut, a new type of movie. Try something you've never done before (within legal limits, of course).

Why is this important? For a few reasons, actually. First of all, if you don't try something, how do you know you won't like it? I know I sound like your mom right now, but it's true. How do you know you won't like riding a horse if you've never done it?

Secondly, when you try something new, your confidence grows a little bit. You learn something about yourself. Whether you like what you try or not isn't important. What is important is that you tried at all.

Trying something new also gives you more life experiences. We have talked about how important this will become later in your life. I coach women all the time who are scared to death to try something new. They would rather go home after work and sit in their empty apartment drinking wine coolers and watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days than try something new.

You will have few regrets later in life if you try new things. When I was a young mother, my mom got into quilting. She had always loved to sew, as did I. She encouraged me to go to some free Saturday morning classes with her and I immediately fell in love with quilting. It's like being able to make art without a paint brush. Over the next 30 years, I took many quilting classes and have made a few quilts and other items. I still enjoy quilting but have much less time to do it. If I hadn't gone to those free classes, I would have missed out on learning something I ended up loving.

We all, even adults, need to always be learning, always be growing. If you're not growing, you're stuck. Have you ever seen a plant that didn't grow? The alternative is it dies. Of course, I'm not saying you will die if you don't try new things, but your spirit might. Your spirit of adventure. Your fun side, the adventurer who lurks just underneath the surface.

Everyone is different, so I can't begin to suggest what types of things you should try, but what I can suggest is that you go back to some of the previous chapters, like strengths and passions, and start there. If you haven't identified passions or strengths yet, then trying new things is a great way to do so.
Take a Few Risks and Reap the Benefits

Risk taking should be a part of everyone's life, but I need to begin this by saying I do not mean you should go climb up a water tower and dangle over the edge. I mean you do things which are a little bit uncomfortable for you.

For example, if you are afraid of heights, taking a risk might mean sitting higher than 3 rows up in the bleachers at a basketball or football game. It will feel risky to you to sit higher. Taking a risk could be raising your hand in class to provide an answer, especially if you have social anxiety or are lacking confidence.

Taking risks like these is healthy because it allows you to grow a little bit. You gain confidence and you face a fear. You are able to begin to overcome that fear by taking small steps. You may not conquer your fear of heights until the end of basketball season, but even if, each game, you sit one row higher than you did at the previous game, you have won the battle over the fear.

One fear I had for many, many years was speaking in public. I never took speech class in high school because the idea of it terrified me beyond words. I couldn't begin to imagine myself standing up in front of anyone, other than a couple of friends, and saying anything worthwhile.

One day, about 5 years ago, I was presented with the opportunity to present a workshop at a local business incubator. I gathered and prepared my material and I created my presentation. I knew the information very well and I felt confident about my presentation. Still, when I got into the room and got everything set up, I got so nervous! I was sweating bullets! Slowly, attendees began to trickle in and I started chatting with them while we waited for others to arrive. Before I knew it, my nerves were all gone and I hadn't even started the workshop!

I went on to do many workshops and I love doing them. Three years ago, I was honored to be asked to travel to France to participate in a group discussion at a large seminar. It was the largest crowd I'd ever been in front of, but by the time my turn came around, I was feeling pretty good about my presentation. Two gentlemen from my group who went before me were so dry and monotonous in their delivery, I knew there wasn't much I could do wrong, and I also had the chance to bring the audience back to life. My presentation went well and the question and answer phase after did, too. It was a huge win for me, as far as my fear of being in front of people. I no longer sweat it at all!

You need to examine your fears and begin to face them, one by one. Take small fears at first and work on those. Maybe you're afraid of spiders. Go to the zoo and hang out with the spider exhibit. It's safe, you don't have to touch them, but you can look. That's me and snakes! Cannot stand them, scared to death of them, but I will look at them at the zoo. I can happily say I've never come nose to nose with a snake outside of the zoo, so I can't tell you I've fully faced that fear, but maybe someday.

If you fear answering a question out loud in class, be sure to study up and plan to answer when you are confident in knowing the material. Just raising your hand will be risky, I know. Maybe you'll get called on, maybe you won't. Just raise your hand and be prepared to respond if asked. You will feel SO good, just for doing that small bit. If you fear speaking in public, begin by saying hello to a stranger who walks by. Whether you're walking down the street, at the mall, or down the hallway at school doesn't matter. Just say hello and keep moving. The next time, maybe you strike up a conversation with a sales clerk or someone in your homeroom you've not talked to before.

Taking small steps gives you confidence and helps you take the bigger steps. When you reach adulthood, there are many greater things to fear, like leaving home to go to college or playing basketball in front of a larger crowd than the high school gym. If you have faced fears in your life already and have built up some confidence, those bigger fears will be easier to overcome.
It's Time to Begin Solving Your Own Problems

Throughout your life, there has probably been someone there to help solve your problems. If you get sick, one of your parents takes you to the doctor. If you want to learn to ride a 2-wheel bike, your parents help you solve your balance problems by helping you practice. If you have trouble with a bully at school, your parents may step in to speak for you to the administration.

This is all well and good, but at some point, your parents won't be as close by to step in. You will need to see a way through to the other side of your problems, all by yourself. Some problems, of course, do require help, like bullies, but some do not. Some you can manage on your own.

The main reason for solving your own problems is so you can build up your confidence. Another key reason, though, is to avoid adding unnecessary stress and anxiety to your life. This again involves things we have already discussed, like making your own choices and decisions. While some problems will come at you as a result of someone else's choices, some of them will come from the decisions you make.

The pesky thing about problems is that when you don't solve them, they tend to grow or get worse. Whether they really get worse or just get worse in your own mind doesn't matter. The result is the same. They begin to feel as if they can't be solved. Poppycock. Almost all problems can be solved. It may not always be an easy solution, or one you like, but there is probably a solution. How do you go about solving problems?

First, stop running away from the problem. If you aren't actively solving a problem, you are running away from it. Those are the only two options available. Once you stop running, you will have the energy to begin focusing on a solution.

Next, accept the problem. We can't solve something we don't accept. You must acknowledge that this thing is causing you a problem. This will come easily once you stop running from the problem.

Begin to reduce the stress and anxiety you have by first imagining the worst thing that can happen as a result of solving the problem, and also by looking for information on your problem and things you can do to solve it.

You always have the option to ask for help, and it may not be an option, it may be necessary. Some problems will require someone else. This doesn't mean you're incapable, or that you're less of a person, it just means you need help. Along with that, you need to boot the idea that you need to be right. Finding a solution means admitting that what you've done so far hasn't worked, therefore, you can't be right.

As you begin to consider a solution, look for more than one solution. The first solution you find may not be the best. You may end up using some small piece of several of those solutions to get to the end.

Along with admitting you don't need to be right, you need to reframe what failure means. Often, we think a solution to something can lead us to failure. Just because you are facing a problem doesn't mean you have failed in some way. It means something happened which you either didn't plan properly for, or you didn't think would actually happen. What you need to do now is learn from this and move forward.

Many times, you can break a problem down into smaller pieces in order to get to the solution. This makes solving the problem seem much less daunting. This is where having multiple solutions in hand can be very helpful.

Use something called the 80/20 rule. You will see this rule come up many times in your life, in many ways. For today, the 80/20 rule means you need to spend 80% of your time finding a solution and only 20% complaining or worrying about it. Having said that, you don't want to allow yourself weeks to find a solution. This will work against you in many ways. Your anxiety and stress will begin to rise, and the problem will continue to grow. Decide upon a reasonable amount of time - a day, two days, an hour, a weekend. Whatever it is, make it reasonably short and then get busy.

When you examine a problem, and a solution, it is important to choose your words carefully. Some words carry negative meaning in our brains, some carry positive meaning. For example, the word problem carries a negative meaning. A problem is automatically something bad. What if, instead of calling it a problem, you called it an opportunity? Opportunities mean good things are coming. Since you have reframed this already from being a failure to being a chance to learn, you have begun this process. Think about the other negative words you may be using and find more positive words to replace them.

Finally, you need to maintain your level of motivation until the problem is solved. Sometimes we start out strong, and then fizzle out when things seem to either be going smoothly, or not smoothly enough. Stay focused and keep your motivation high by imagining how relieved you will be to have this behind you.

There are things you can do to prevent problems from occurring in the first place. When I was coaching companies on innovation in my former work life, one of the things I always did was to help them look at what potential problems could arise with the development of their idea. If we bring this down to teen terms, we can see how it might work for you.

Let's imagine you have a huge exam coming up a week or so after you get back to school from the Christmas break. The whole first half of the year will be on this exam. You've known about it since the first day of school, but now, it's a week before break and the teachers are starting to talk about it. What problems can come up along the way? The ultimate problem, of course, is that you flunk the exam and risk taking the class over in summer school or next year. How can you prevent this from happening?

Let's take another problem. Your parents have told you that you will be required to pay for some of your college tuition. You see this as a problem. What steps can you take now to begin to work through it? Of course, you can get a job, but this will have an impact on your study and social time, so you need to plan for those things as well. When you plan ahead, you can often avoid problems all together.

Some problems are internal, and we can't ignore those. For many, a big problem is anxiety, and not anxiety caused by not turning in an assignment on time, but anxiety from being in certain situations, coming across certain people, or doing certain things. Those problems can also be solved, although if they are big enough, you may need the help of a professional.

My grandson is 5 years old and has something called Selective Mutism. It is defined as a form of social anxiety. What that all means is that when he goes to preschool or in areas where there are either a lot of people or people he doesn't know, he is unable to speak. It is a problem he does not have at home when he is around people he knows and is comfortable. He never stops talking, in fact.

With the help of a few different therapists, he is learning to overcome his anxiety. Just today, the teacher actually had to say something to him and the other boys in his class because they were all running around and being too wild. Six months ago, he would have been hiding under a table, not running with the boys. He is also too young to solve this one on his own, but this is a type of problem which requires a professional.

For some anxieties, though, you can often work through them yourself, just by beginning to look for patterns. It's like looking for a food allergy. You eat something and get hives so you write in a notebook what you ate and when the hives show up. Eventually, you will be able to identify the food which is causing the hives.

When you feel anxious, write down who is around, where you are, what you are doing and what is going on around you. As time passes, you will begin to see a pattern. Maybe you always get anxious when this really cute boy comes into the room. You want to date him, but you're too afraid to even say "Hi" to him. By writing down all of the cues, you will figure this out and you can then begin to work on it by - you guessed it - facing your fear, taking a risk (like saying "Hi") and moving forward.
The Value of Being Part of a Team

There are many people in life who prefer to do things alone, but the reality of the world is that you will need to be part of a team at some point. I don't care what you choose to do as a career, you will need a support team, or you will become a member of a team.

The problem is most kids are coming out of high school unable to do this. In a survey of manufacturers done by an organization I worked for, we found that one of the biggest problems employers had was that their employees didn't know how to be part of a team.

Outside of that, being part of a team helps you to learn to navigate different types of social situations. You can be a team leader, or you can be a team member. I worked as an innovation coach. When a company would select a couple of innovations to pursue, they would ask for volunteers to lead the project. On one occasion, everyone was floored when an administrative assistant volunteered to lead one of the projects.

She was excited at the opportunity to show her leadership skills, and the company owners were more than happy to let her. If you're uncomfortable being on a team at all, taking a leadership role probably isn't a good first step. Join the team and add your input. That will be enough for a first time.

Teams come in all shapes and sizes. Most of us automatically think of sports when we think of teams, but that's just one type of team. Sometimes a team isn't formally called a team. I was part of the high school newspaper staff. While the word team wasn't used, we were definitely all part of a team. We all worked together for the end result of a published newspaper with as few errors as possible.

You can find teams at work, school, church, and in your hobbies. At some point, you will find one in which you'll be comfortable as a leader. If you can't find a group or team to be part of, start one of your own. Base it on a hobby or passion you have and invite friends you know who share your interest.

What is important here is that you learn to work with other people toward a common goal or interest. Get on a team to help build the homecoming float or decorate the gym. Join the team of kids who build the sets for the theater class. The possibilities are endless, once you really begin to look!
PART VI:   
Moving Forward Your Way
What Do You Want?

We have done all of this talking about things in your life which may need to change. We've discussed everything from how you treat yourself to how you manage stress, what your strengths and passions are, being true to yourself and making your own choices and, most recently, things which may be holding you back like being a people pleaser, learning to make your own decisions, trying new things, taking risks and solving your problems. Now, it's time to get serious about moving forward.

Your first step is to begin to think about what you want out of life. I hear you, you're saying, "But I'm only 14, why do I need to worry about that now?" Well, grasshopper, I will tell you why. Let's suppose you want to do hair. Since you were a kid, you've loved braiding your friends' hair and you want to do it for a living. If you're lucky, you live near a Career and Technical Center, which is a junior and senior level high school program designed to teach skills, like cosmetology, firefighting, construction, auto maintenance, welding, robotics, pre-engineering and so much more - for free! In order to get into those programs, you often need to apply during the end of your freshman year or the beginning of your sophomore year.

If you're 16 or older, you need to be thinking about how you will earn a living as an adult. Are you going to do a 2- or 4-year college? Are you going to attend a trade school? Are you going to travel for a year and then go to college? Do you need to work full-time and take part-time classes? What are you going to do? College applications are due mid-senior year, so you can't lollygag.

Yes, it's easier to go through high school pretending like you get to be a kid forever, but you don't, and you will soon have responsibilities in your life, like an apartment or house to pay for, a car and the maintenance which goes with it, and many other things.

Along with the drudgery of figuring out a career, though, is figuring out some of the more fun stuff, like where do you want to live? Near the beach? In the mountains? Do you want to someday own a big house or a quaint little cottage? Do you want to get married and have a dozen kids or stay single and travel? These ideas may change over time, but some will stay the same.

Dreaming of your future doesn't need to feel like drudgery. Imagine for just the next 30 minutes or so that I am like the Fairy Godmother in "Cinderella." I have a magic wand and I am waving it over your head. While it circles above you, I am saying these words to you, "Imagine you can have anything you want, be anything you want, live anywhere you want, have any man you want, and live the life you want. No restrictions. If you desire it, you can do it."

Sit down with a blank piece of paper and a pen. Begin writing. Don't worry about the order, just write. It doesn't matter if you use proper grammar or sentence structure. It doesn't matter if what you want costs $10 or $1,000,000. Just write your list. If you have dreamed of it, write it down. Brainstorm your list for about a half an hour. After 15 minutes or so, you will slow down. Read over the list, out loud if it helps, and see what else might come to mind. When you're done, set the list aside. We will be looking at it again in a while.
Setting and Attaining Goals

I never learned one thing about setting goals when I was in high school or college. I'd never even heard of the idea until about 6-7 years ago. I was somewhat happy to hear, however, that it is becoming something teens are now learning.

A few years ago, I was just leaving home to go deliver a free workshop on goal setting to some entrepreneurs and small business owners. My youngest daughter called and invited me to have lunch with her. I, in turn, invited her to attend my workshop first. Since she was at home bored on a day off, she agreed. When it was over, I asked what she thought. She said she had really enjoyed it and it was a lot like what she had learned in school. YAY! It gives me hope to hear that goal setting may be taught to teens now.

Setting goals is more than just deciding to do something. It encompasses creating a plan to do something, and then working your way through the plan. Your life probably contains many short-term goals, with a few long-term goals thrown in for good measure. That's the beauty of being a teenager. You get to look short-term to accomplish much of what you need to in your life right now. You need to write papers, study for tests, earn money for a car or college, study for the ACT or SAT test, and other similar things. Longer-term, you may have already decided on some career goals - awesome! If not, don't worry about it!

If you go back and look at the list you created in the last chapter, you could probably find a few goals worthy of working on today. For me, I am battling about 20 extra pounds, finishing this book for you, researching a new book, finishing some client work, and saving to buy a new car. I also take classes at my church and spend time with friends. If I were to prioritize those goals, completing this book would be close to the top, along with my church class and saving for a new car. My current car is 20 years old. It's in great shape with few miles, but it's still 20 years old. Using your class schedules and the list you wrote a last chapter, come up with five high-priority goals you would like to work on, or need to work on right now. Write each one on a new piece of paper.

For each goal, write a deadline. For some, you will get to choose a deadline. For others, the deadline is chosen for you. This doesn't change as you get older, I'm sorry to tell you. Regardless, write down the deadlines right under the goals.

Next, I want you to find some way to measure your goal. For example, I want to lose 20 pounds. That is measurable. If I were to put a date on it, I would say in 6 months. My goal would be "I want to lose 20 pounds in 6 months." When you write it, however, look 6 months ahead and write in a date. Now, you have something you can measure, and you have a target date.

Your next step is to begin writing down what steps you need to take in order to reach your goal. If you need to write a big term paper, due in 1 month, your breakdown might look something like this:

  * Decide topic for paper
  * Conduct research
  * Write rough draft
  * Proof rough draft
  * Rewrite rough draft
  * Proof new copy - ask teacher or counselor to help
  * Rewrite final copy - proof one last time; fix if necessary
  * Turn in on time

Beside each of those items, you would include a target date. Since you're a smart girl, I know you have planned to have your final copy written a day or two before it's due! Now, let's play devil's advocate for a minute. A week into your master plan, you get the flu and spend 3 days in bed. This throws your schedule all out of whack. Rather than throw in the towel, frustrated and dejected, look at your plan, make some adjustments and get right back to it. This may mean canceling a couple of social events, but if you have your priorities in place, school comes first. There will be other football games!

For each goal you selected, write a plan. It is helpful to have a syllabus for each of your classes available, as well as a calendar. Schedule time in your calendar for each of the most important things first, then fill in with the less important items. This means your social time goes last. Plan your time carefully and make sure you allow for things to come up, like getting sick, extra homework or emergency meetings for any teams or clubs you belong to.

If and when something comes up, make adjustments. Do not consider these adjustments to be failures. They are merely adjustments. Take them in stride and keep moving. Most goals require some tweaking, and it is better to shift dates around now than to ignore problems and wing it.
Find Yourself a Mentor

Mentors are people in your life who can help guide you through difficult times and situations. Most often, mentors are not your parents. They play a different role. A mentor can be an older sibling, a teacher, counselor, employer, or any other person, like a coach, who has a skill you need help with.

A mentor is someone who can look at what you have going on in your life and give you an objective opinion on what will help you. If you play softball and are being offered scholarships from several different colleges, a mentor can help you evaluate the possibilities. Of course, your parents can help with this too, but they may not be as objective as your mentor. Ultimately, a big decision like this should be yours, but seeking the input of those who have experience can be very helpful in your final choice.

A mentor can also guide you when you are struggling. If your parents are having difficulties, you could go to your mentor and talk with him or her. Since most of your mentors are probably older, they most likely have some insight into relationships to share.

Mentors can help you learn a new skill, find your passion, make difficult choices in life, and guide you through difficult times. You can have more than one mentor, and you can also be a mentor to someone, even while you have mentors. You may even be a mentor to someone and not realize it. Younger siblings may already looking up to you, watching how you handle yourself, how you manage your schoolwork, what you do with your after-school time, etc.

The best way to find a mentor is to look at who has expertise in the area in which you need help. For example, if you are thinking of studying nursing in college, you could look to someone who is a nurse now. If you don't know any, this might be a great time to find yourself a volunteer position in a hospital. You will find plenty of people there who are potential mentors. Build relationships and see what happens. Someone will rise to the top.

You don't need to have a formal "will you be my mentor" conversation, necessarily. This can just be someone you go to when you need advice. As your relationship builds, so will the trust between you. You could be forging a relationship which will last for many years. The important thing is to find people who can objectively guide you. Someone with no interest in the final decision you make. Be honest with that person and share your concerns or needs. Ask them for their opinion and express gratitude for their time.

If you find this person, you win the prize! You have just added a small piece of gold to your personal success team!
It's Time to Manage Your Time

Everyone wastes time. It's just how life is. Even the best at managing their time find a few moments here and there to blow. The problem comes in when you are wasting so much time that you're not taking care of your priorities.

In the last few chapters, we have been talking about working toward getting what you want out of life. Part of accomplishing this means you need to learn to manage your time more efficiently. This is a problem many adults have, so don't think I'm picking on you. In fact, you are probably better at time management than most adults already because you have so much on your plate. Homework, tests, club meetings, team practices, an after-school job, babysitting and, of course, those pesky ACT and SAT tests. Frankly, I don't know when you find time to sleep!

If you feel as if you never have enough time to accomplish all of those things, it is time to look at how you're spending your time and come up with some new strategies. The easiest way to look at how you are spending your time is to keep a time log for a week. Write down each activity you do, all day and all night. Beside each activity, write down how long you spent doing that activity. At the end of the week, take some time to add up how much time you spent on each thing. This will only work if you honestly count each and every time you "jump on" Twitter or Facebook for what you think is "just a sec" but really ends up being 10 minutes or more.

For a while, I had a program on my computer which tracked what I did on my computer. It was enlightening. I definitely made changes based on what I learned. You will, too. You should be spending the bulk of your time working on your high priority activities. Things like checking social media should be less time and lower priority.

During the second week, again track what you're doing. See how much change you are able to make and reward yourself for the accomplishments you make. You will still need to make adjustments for a few weeks, but what is important is that you continue to modify and move in the direction of wasting less time. As you do, you will find yourself less stressed and happier. You will also see your productivity rise, and you may even find you have more free time.
Reward Yourself

When you set goals, you should also put rewards in place. If your goal takes longer than a few months to complete, you should put some rewards in place along the way. For example, we will look at my weight loss goal. I could set up a reward for myself where, each time I lose 5 pounds, I got a manicure or pedicure, or some other reward like a (small) sweet treat or a haircut.

It doesn't matter what the reward is, as long as it is something you want. The idea of a reward isn't to get stuff, it is to have a positive step in the middle of your long-term goal. It helps you to continue to drive toward the end. It gives you smaller milestones to shoot for and a nice break from focusing on your goal. If my reward was a small sweet treat, I would be taking a tiny break from my weight loss, but I would do so knowing I was going to get right back on the horse for the next meal.

It is also a good idea to reward yourself for the great things you do in your life. If you manage to get good grades on your report card, reward yourself. Celebrate your accomplishments, even if just for a few minutes. Rewards don't need to cost a lot of money or be a big undertaking. Maybe your reward is an ice cream cone or an evening away from studying. Think of things you enjoy doing and make those your rewards.
PART VII:   
Conclusion

Solving this self-esteem problem is no small task, but by taking the initiative to read this book, you are showing your interest. I have included an Appendix which contains links to a couple dozen articles I used in my research when writing. I encourage you to read some of them to learn more about areas of interest or concern.

Your self-esteem might be low now, but it is important to remember it didn't happen overnight, and it will take more than a day to raise it again. Don't get discouraged. You will have good days and bad days. I encourage you to journal during this time. Each day, write about things for which you are grateful, successes you had, regardless of how small, and where you need to work a little harder. Review this each weekend and look at the wonderful progress you're making!

I am so happy to have helped you begin the journey of building your self-esteem, and I'm even more thrilled to see you doing it in your teens, rather than in your 30s and 40s, as I did. I encourage you to email me if you have questions or concerns about what you're reading or doing. I am quite obsessive about keeping my inbox cleaned up, so I will probably get to you quickly.
Appendix

<http://www.StageOfLife.com/StageHighSchool/OtherResources/Statistics_on_High_School_Students_and_Teenagers.aspx>

<http://pewinternet.org/factsheets/teens-fact-sheet/>

<http://nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-still-under-constuction/index.shtml>

<http://familydoctor.org/familydoctor/en/teens/emotional-well-being/understanding-your-teenagers-emotional-health.printerview.all.html>

<http://cdc.gov/bam/life/getting-along.html>

<http://kidshealth.org/en/teens/cliques.html>

<http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/confidence_teenagers.html>

<http://teens.webmd.com/girls-puberty-10/confident-girls>

<http://www.huffingtonpost.com/merel-bakker/how-moms-can-help-their-teenage-daughters-build-self-confidence_b_3783556.html>

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Author Bio:   
Kirbie Earley

My life has been a collection of experiences which have led her where she is today. After obtaining an Associate's Degree when I graduated from high school, I married and over the course of the next nine years, had three daughters and one son. Eventually, I found myself divorced and fumbling through life with no self-esteem, no confidence, but with four children to care for. I returned to college in my 40's, graduating with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Sociology after 4-1/2 years of raising my children, working and going to school.

My first post-college degree job was yet another learning experience. Ultimately, I became a certified coach for business leaders, focusing on inspiring them to be better at leading, communicating, creating and delivering their message. I wrote and delivered workshops on a variety of topics, including setting goals, learning how to communicate, inspiring others to be more creative, finding your uniqueness and many others. It was during my time in college and in this position that my own self-esteem and confidence finally began to grow. As I took more risks and experienced more new things, I finally began to feel what it's like to be confident.

Now, in my work with Gregg, I have coached women who battle some of the same things I wrote about in this book. I couldn't not write this book. It was calling out to me, begging to be written. Maybe because it says things I wish I had said to my daughters when they were teenagers. Maybe it's seeing my nieces, as they become teenagers, doubting themselves and trying to get through each day. I know, as does Gregg, that to reach young women and help them build their confidence and self-esteem while they are teenagers is so valuable. This is such a difficult time in life, so confusing, so challenging, and you have many more challenges to face than Gregg and I did. We didn't have computers like today's, nor did we have social media or a phone we could carry with us all day long.

Today, my life is very different than it was, even 5 years ago. I continue to try new things, to take some risks, to experience new adventures. I am a grandma to six grandchildren and I enjoy spending time with them as they explore what this world has to offer. I learn through their challenges and I see things in an entirely new way, all because of them. I am committed to helping kids of all ages grow their confidence and self-esteem.
Author Biography:   
Gregg Michaelsen

For a number of years, I have been working as one of Boston's top dating coaches, and I have a track record of helping many men and women find happy relationships through building their confidence. I spent many hours researching both successful and failed relationships before developing my own coaching system, and it has worked over and over again.

What I did find, however, was that many times, the problems I am helping people with began in their teen years. They are paying me to help them undo damage which happened sometimes more than 30 years ago. I realized I needed to start reaching out to teens - to begin to undo this damage sooner - maybe even to help teens not suffer much damage at all.

Being a teenager is brutal. Things have changed so much, even in the last 10 years. You now have many ways in which you can be bullied. We live in a very judgmental, polarizing world where, if you don't fit a specific mold, you can be made to feel inferior and incapable. I can't stand to watch this happen to teens and I decided it was time to make a change.

My adult coaching has also changed to include more of the same things which are included in this book. Learning how to read other people, learning about stress and how it impacts your entire life, learning how to manage bullying, which doesn't end when you reach 18.

I firmly believe that with the right life skills in your back pocket, you can do anything! You need someone in your life like I had - someone to guide you. For me, it was my dad. He taught me how to set goals, how to think of myself in a positive way, and how to succeed at whatever I set my mind to. He taught me to work hard and never give up.

Today, I am a best-selling author of almost two dozen adult dating advice and confidence-building books. I also own my own successful construction business. All because someone took the time to guide me. It has become my mission to pass my skills and knowledge on to others through my books and my website.
Gregg's Books for Teens

I hope you will take the time to check out my other teen book, Winning the Game of (Teen) Life. This book presents you with some different information, and is written for both teen girls and teen boys, so you can also pass this information along to any guys you know!

In addition, I have written another book, which is more suitable for older teens - girls who are 18 or over (not limited to teens!). To Date a Man, You Must Understand Yourself is partly about dating, but mostly about understanding the type of life you choose to lead and the consequences, good or bad, from the choices you make. This book is a story of two young women who take very different journeys through life. It is a best seller for teen women, so I know you will find it useful.

Both of these books cost less than a lunch at your favorite fast-food restaurant! Click the covers below or their titles above to buy your copy!

