I have a younger brother. We're 13 years apart. Just kind of...
kind of have like a father-son dynamic going on a little bit.
'Cuz this is 13 years, it's quite the difference.
Like when he was nine, I coached his youth soccer team, which was kind of weird.
Uh, because I wasn't trying to be a coach.
I was just trying to drop him off for the first day of practice.
And they're like, "Well you're in luck. We don't have enough coaches."
And I was like, "What? What does that have to do with me?"
(chuckle)
It's very easy to become a coach. Like, I didn't like how easy it was.
They're like, "You're in."
I'm like, "You don't want to Google me? Like make sure I'm not like a red dot on your laptop screen first?"
Like, "Nope, here's the ball, there's some kids, have fun at the park."
I'm like, "Wow! There should be more to this than that."
And I told them. I'm like, "I don't even know anything about soccer."
And they're like, "Don't worry. Here's a little 20-page pamphlet.
Everything you need to know about coaching youth soccer."
You know it was not in the pamphlet?
What to do in case one of the kids craps their pants.
And it happened.
And I'm flipping through the booklet like, "Nothing, nothing, not even a suggestion."
I don't know what to do. I got a bunch of nine-year-olds jumping around going,
"Jeremy crapped his pants!"
And I'm over there like,
"I don't know, don't pass it to him. I don't know what to tell ya."
"Take it easy on the high-fives, I don't know what to tell ya."
"We're gonna go hose him down, it's gonna be a team effort."
"It's gonna be nice, let's- let's all get together."
It wasn't in the pamphlet, what'd you want me to do?
I had to wing it.
I wasn't a good coach. I didn't know any of the rules.
All their games are on Saturday mornings at 7 AM.
I was like, "Really? These kids don't play in prime time, ever?"
There's no Monday night soccer, like.
It's too early for me to coach!
We actually had a good team. We went all the way to the championship game.
We didn't win, but we got all the way there. It had nothing to do with my non-coaching.
We had two Mexican kids that were unbelievable, they really were.
My only job as a coach was to make sure the eight other unathletic white kids
got out of the way of Miguel and Jose.
That was my only job. That was my only job.
I was like, "Hey do you guys want to win?
All right, well when you see these two coming down the middle you part like the Red Sea.
And you let them work their magic, okay?"
"Those kids are playing for contracts, and you guys are playing
'cuz your parents don't want to watch you two days out of the week, so."
It's try'na to win something.
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