To the class of 2020. Today will be a day
much like the days that preceded it.
You will spend it at home, or in your
designated quarantine area, and you will
bide your time indoors however you wish—punctuated perhaps by a short walk
around your neighborhood maintaining a
safe distance from whatever other masked
human beings you may encounter along the
way. A normal day. A normal day. One that
anyone could have predicted four years
ago. But aside from the daily drudgery
of figuring out how to make the leftover
food in your fridge into a novel edible
meal, and explaining to your parents for the
23rd time that going to Target to get a
birthday card for your aunt's boyfriend
is not an essential activity,
Today is special. Today you step out of the
shadows of Dwinelle and into the
limelight of Linguistiana. Today
you rise and claim your baccalaureate
degree in the field that ties all fields
together—because sciences, arts, and
really work in all fields—even this one—crucially rely on language to function:
Linguistics!
Linguistics! Linguistics. Linguistics.
Linguistics! What was my line? (OFFSCREEN) Linguistics.
Linguistics!
Take a moment to revel in your accomplishment.
(MUSIC: "BIG 'C'")
Now let's talk about the fact that there are literally no non-essential jobs right now.
You may think this is bad news, but it might actually be good news.
Predicated on very bad news.
The truth of the matter is a lot of people are losing
their jobs right now in every field, and
a lot more are going to lose their jobs
in the coming weeks. For those who can
weather the storm, though, you know
there're going to be a lot of people
hiring when we can do things like go
outside and shake hands with other human
beings again. Furthermore, the whole what
have you been doing for the past six
months question will never be less
relevant. This can work to your advantage.
Of course, ling. jobs are competitive—in
fact you might be competing with some of
the people in this very video so don't
worry if you don't get one right away.
Remember this: If you land a non-linguistics-related job, there will be no
one at your place of business who
understands more about language than you!
Which means that, yes, literally all of your
co-workers will ask you how many
languages you speak. No, they will never
remember your answer. So as long as you
have a job where language is relevant—
and yes that would be all of them—you're
sure to be a unique and valuable asset
to any field, be you a data analyst, an
internationalization program manager,
a Greenpeace canvasser, a deputy public
defender, an executive director for a
non-profit, or a technical writer. For
those of you going on to graduate school
know that the foundation that you
received at Berkeley is going to carry
you a long way. From those of us who
received Ph.D.'s, to those of us who
left to pursue other passions, know that
you are better equipped to handle the
challenges ahead of you than anyone else
from any other public or private
university—you know the one we mean.
(HISSING)
As you sail off into the sunset,
better known as the bulk of your entire
life, remember your time here at Berkeley
linguistics fondly! From Professor
Hyman's dad jokes, to Professor
Garrett's painstaking problem sets, to
Professor Johnson's 110 course project,
to the fact that one day, you will wake
up and discover that in fact, you've
actually been lost in Dwinelle for 20
years, and the rest of your life that you
thought you knew was nothing but a
fever dream... These memories will bear you
up and tide you over during your darkest
moments, and inspire envy in those who
didn't get to experience Berkeley
linguistics in the flesh.
On a serious note, we want you to know that your
graduating class will be remembered and
honored from here on out. You're not walking because
you understand what's at stake for
humanity at this moment. You're
sacrificing your celebratory moment to
ensure the safety not only of yourselves,
but your community—and paving the way
for future generations.
That's awesome!
Seriously who remembers the class of 2003?
Or 2015?
What the hell did they do as a class, get a
degree? Sure, we all did that. But you—
the class of 2020—did battle with Covid-19
for the good of all humankind.
That kicks ass.
Your class, the class of 2020, will be
remembered for all time by alumni old—wait, I'm not ol—
and new. And the Berkeley campus will
always be your home. So on this day, we,
the bearers of the Mighty Schwa,
congratulate you,
(RAUCOUS CHEERING OF VARIOUS TYPES)
and welcome you to
a bold and beautiful world, from the
safety of our homes or designated
quarantine areas. Your days of muttering
clicks and ejectives to yourself in
public finally paid off.
Move your improvised DIY tassel from the
right to the left.
(DEMONSTRATION OF TASSEL MOVING ACCOMPANIED BY "POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE" PLAYED ON A RECORDER)
Fiat Lux
and
Go Bears! Go Bears! Go Bears! Go Bears!
Go Bears! Woo! Go Bears! Go Bears! Go Bears!
Go Bears!
Go Bears! Go Bears! Go Bears! Go Bears!
Go Bears!
Go Bears! Go Bears! Go Bears! Go Bears!
Go Bears! Go Bears! Go Bears!
(MUSIC: "SONS OF CALIFORNIA")
(BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE SOCIETY OF LINGUISTICS UNDERGRADUATE STUDENTS)
