Autistamatic videos are planned well in advance
and this series especially so, but now and
again plans get changed because of feedback
from viewers. The last 2 films have been about
autistic needs and approaches to honesty.
Last week’s video about our tendency to
be candid or “blunt” generated a number
of requests from both autistic and non-autistic
people to talk about it more.
There were two aspects that came up in particular.
Autistic people wanted me to talk about why
we feel such a strong need to demonstrate
balance on uncertain or controversial topics
– to look at the pros and cons of a subject
and seek new information to bolster our understanding.
From the non-autistic side it was incomprehension,
even frustration over our apparent blunt negativity,
our tendency for long, involved explanations,
asking too many questions and over-confidence
in our abilities.
The odd thing is that these two topics is
that they are actually opposite sides of the
same coin.
It may not seem obvious at first, but this
is actually related to another myth about
autistic people –
that we can’t see “The Big Picture”.
Today we’ll be asking:
How do blunt statements and awkward questions
help form the autistic “Big Picture”?
Why does these get us into trouble?
And how can autistic & non-autistic people
get on with each other better when we see
such different views of the same world?
Why do autistic people like me so often feel
it so important to express our feelings on
both sides of any topic? It’s not one of
those aspects of our personalities that gets
highlighted by doctors and academics but it’s
something we have observed about ourselves
for years. If anything, the opposite is said
OF us,
that we have rigid, black & white viewpoints
on the world,
but whilst there is a grain of truth in there,
it’s far from the whole truth of autistic
understanding and how we form opinions.
If anyone is missing “The Big Picture”
here, it’s not us autists.
If asked a question or put on the spot for
an opinion we frequently discuss the arguments
on both sides rather than express a solid
point of view. We don’t do it about everything.
Sometimes we’ll offer opinions that are
extremely certain and back them up with a
battery of evidence, often more than those
around us want to hear. That’s what’s
led to the assumptions about rigid thinking,
but at other times we may seem to onlookers
to be sitting on the fence about topics they
think we should feel strongly about.
Two common traits of autistic people are an
eye for detail and a skill for seeing patterns.
It’s natural to us to examine everything
thoroughly and consider influences not everyone
would think of. How we structure these observations
varies. I’m a visual thinker. In my case
I visualise the various influences on a situation
as parts in a machine, but other autists see
it in their own ways. Twe may interpret things
as a flowchart, a blueprint, an artwork, a
piece of music or even a recipe. However our
minds translate the multiple factors into
a cogent framework, the heart of the process
is the same.
Our autistic minds rationalise our perceptions
into a form that makes sense to us and we
work through the information accordingly.
Much of the time information slots neatly
into place.
In my case if the facts and my observations
translate into a set of gears, levers and
pistons that make the notion move in my mind
then I can form an opinion, but all too often
they don’t. Sometimes they fail to form
the Heath Robinson contraption of comprehension
I need in my mental engine room and just end
up as a clashing, jamming mess of randomly
assembled components.
When that happens I can’t express a clear
opinion.
There’s no input, process and output, there’s
just a bunch of components that don’t fit
together.
Others may visualise shapes that don’t fit,
colours that don’t blend, notes that clash
or flavours that leave a nasty taste on the
palate. It creates dissonance in our brains
that for some of us can be painful. It keeps
us awake at night trying to rearrange the
mismatched parts to make them work together.
When we’re expected to talk about these
information jams in casual conversation, or
worse, under examination, it’s impossible
to come up with the easy answers people expect
of us. All we can do is list the clashing
factors we have considered and express the
influences they have on our viewpoints. No
conclusion can be drawn so we cannot express
an opinion to satisfy the people who want
one from us. It’s not uncommon for us to
feel pressured to come up with conclusions
we have failed to find before, so we find
ourselves attempting to construct our mental
machines on the spot.
That leads to frustration which in turn may
become self loathing internalised anger and
meltdowns.
This sets us apart from most of the rest of
the world. We live in societies which are
built on artificially manipulated data.
Rarely is information conveyed without an
opinion or a bias attached to it.
Long before the internet, television, radio,
even the printing press, our informational
feeds were tainted by other people’s desire
to shape the opinions of others. Arguably
as the technologies of information and entertainment
have progressed it’s become easier for the
individual to form a balanced view of any
given topic, but that’s not the way the
average mind works. To most people there’s
simply too much information to digest so they
must prioritise what they choose to absorb
or be overwhelmed.
Cognitive bias shapes the minds of most people.
Whether it be a result of upbringing, peer
pressure or a mixture of both, the average
human mind tends to stick to a set of opinions
and tastes that are rigidly in place by the
time we hit adulthood.
An eighteen year old conservative or liberal
will likely remain conservative or liberal
all their lives. Most people stick to the
same religious beliefs they were brought up
with, express loyalty and patriotism to the
country they were born in and fear outside
influence upsetting that balance.
The ever increasing availability of information
has challenged these ideals for much of the
population leading many non-autistic people
to question their beliefs, yet the majority
stick to their habitual points of view.
In the autistic mind our beliefs have been
formed through a process of introspection,
of soul searching and of balancing opposing
interpretations of the same information. Our
viewpoints are usually our own and when we
can’t make the various influences and facts
add up we can’t express an opinion.
Of course we are as vulnerable as anyone else
to misunderstandings if information is not
available, is hidden or heavily manipulated,
but once we become aware each snippet of knowledge
becomes a cog in the mind machine.
That frustrates our non-autistic partners,
friends and family members no end.
Why can’t we just tie ourselves down to
a specific idea like everyone else does?
Why must we insist on working things out for
ourselves when the answer is obvious?
If everybody around us thinks the same, why
do we feel we have to be different?
Are we just argumentative by nature?
Don’t we understand that going against the
flow upsets people?
But that’s the problem isn’t it?
Going against the flow shouldn’t upset people,
but it does. Society has become so reliant
on consensus of opinion, even when that opinion
is harmful to us, that people who think for
themselves and challenge those points of view
are excluded.
Societal attitudes that make no sense whatsoever
and cause harm to countless people get accepted
by the majority rather than rocking the boat.
People who challenge the damaging status quo
are punished by the majority who ride the
currents.
They are labelled as agitators, dissidents
or troublemakers.
When an autist sees a system that doesn’t
make sense and expresses their need to balance
opposing points of view or understand which
of the conflicting information they’re presented
with is actually true, we are all too often
seen as attempting to cause trouble. We’re
told we’re rude, aggressive or contrarian
because we don’t simply accept the notions
most people do.
We have to understand the reasons behind those
notions.
Now let’s talk about how this fits into
“The Big Picture”.
Autists are frequently dismissed for our supposed
inability to see this big picture, but what
is it we’re meant to be missing? Most of
the time the big picture is actually result
of the same cognitive bias that keeps people
riding the currents of the socially accepted
narrative rather than making their own minds
up. It’s a shortcut in the same way that
Theory of Mind is. People don’t have to
think about everything or determine their
own value judgements if it’s already mapped
out for them by their upbringing, their faith,
their education and the media we are surrounded
by. Nobody has to waste time worrying about
why things are the way they are because the
“Big Picture” is all they need to know.
All it takes is a couple of carefully picked
facts to support the Big Picture view and
it’s accepted by the majority as the way
things SHOULD be.
When my autistic brain interprets the information
around me, I can’t ignore the dissonance.
I can’t go with the flow because I see details
that contradict the party line and it prevents
me from making sense of it. If The Big Picture
is built on falsehood or lacks information
that explains it, it doesn’t sit right and
I HAVE to question it. It’s not that I can’t
SEE the big picture, it’s that the big picture
is an illusion designed to keep societies
ticking over. It allows people to concentrate
on living their lives rather than fighting
battles they don’t feel they need to.
Most people aren’t ignorant of the facts
that autists find so difficult to reconcile,
but they feel powerless to make the changes
to society that would be needed. People feel
overwhelmed by the Big Picture – they do
their bit, they make the effort, but they
simply don’t have the power to change everything
for the better. It’s not worth sticking
their necks out to challenge the small injustices
because there will always be larger injustices
they have no influence over.
When autistic people ask questions that highlight
flaws in the Big Picture, we make people uncomfortable.
They live in a society that works. It’s
not perfect, but it functions – they’ve
accepted their place in the hierarchy and
do their part. When we start pointing out
the huge failures of the system and the changes
that need to be made it’s naturally going
to make people defensive. When we cast doubt
on the status quo they’ve CHOSEN to accept
it can’t help but feel like personal criticism.
We are seen as negative, uncooperative or
even nasty.
Nowhere is this more evident than when we
talk about ourselves. There is nothing in
this world that an autist is more uncertain
of than how we personally fit into the world.
Part of this is due to social exclusion and
the many harmful myths that surround us, but
it’s also down to our need to slot the details
together to make a coherent picture.
When we are asked to talk about ourselves
we will almost always offer a dual viewpoint.
We will talk about our weaknesses and our
failings, our insecurities and our doubts,
but we will also talk about our passions and
our strengths with confidence. Depending on
the circumstances this earns us a label of
either being depressive and negative about
ourselves, or arrogant and egotistical. It
can even be down to which order we choose
to say things. We rarely get the opportunity
to finish our self analysis when asked because
people tend to react to what we say first.
If we start on a weakness we are seen as defeatist,
but if we start on a strength we are big headed
and self important.
Whilst we can be aware of this in ourselves,
it is unbelievably difficult for autistic
people to modulate our honesty away from this
aspect of our natures. We cannot help but
have questions when things don’t make sense.
Many of us have compensated by simply going
quiet or avoiding contact with other people.
If it gets too much we may even give up on
some forms of communication altogether, temporarily
or permanently. If we say nothing or avoid
being around people, we can’t get into trouble
for stating the truth or asking questions.
Most of us WANT to understand why people think
the way they do, but when we ask them why
they often can’t give us sufficient answers
to fit into all the gaps in our mental machines.
The more we push them for answers, the more
defensive they get and the more aggressive
they believe us to be.
When you’re close to an autistic person
you may sometimes find yourself in the position
of feeling like you’re being interrogated.
It’s not because they are insensitive or
attempting to undermine you, they are simply
trying to understand you, or something about
the world you accept which makes no sense
to them.
We’ve already talked of the bad way to handle
it – by labelling and criticising, but what’s
the good way?
How can non-autistic people respect the needs
of their autistic partners, friends, relatives
and colleagues, whilst not losing sight of
the tools they need to function in an unbalanced
and unfair world?
The first step is to not jump to conclusions.
Recognise that you are not under attack, you
are simply being asked to provide a part for
the autistic mental machine. The information
we are asking of you or inviting comment or
confirmation on, is a cog in our mental machine,
a colour in our mind painting or an ingredient
in our saucepot of thoughts.
The second is to realise that you don’t
HAVE to answer immediately. You can tell us
that now is not a good time for this discussion
and ask us to talk about it later. You might
be tired, in a hurry or just in a bad mood.
You might need time to think about what we’ve
just bluntly unloaded upon you. It doesn’t
matter which, it just matters that whatever
reason you give us, it is the truth.
It’s not making excuses if it’s the truth
– it’s simply asking us to defer the discussion
until a better time. Our curiosity will not
go away, but it can wait until you’re in
a better position to indulge it.
The third and final thing is to be fine with
sating “I don’t know”.
It’s a phrase that people often don’t
like saying, especially if they feel they
SHOULD know, but there’s no shame in simply
not knowing.
Sometimes we will assail you with information
which challenges things you’ve taken for
granted all your life or ask you questions
you’ve never even thought of.
Simply saying that you can’t answer because
you don’t know is the only honest thing
you can do, and as we’ve already discussed
in previous videos in this series, honesty
is incredibly important to most autistic people.
If you don’t know there’s no point in
us asking you so we will look elsewhere.
As autistic people, we have to be willing
to accept it when those we’re close to don’t
feel like talking right now or when they tell
us or don’t have the answers we seek. If
we push for answers they don’t have or insist
on continuing a conversation they’re not
best placed to for, we unintentionally become
bullies. We’re not trying to cause emotional
pain or doubt, but by not respecting their
boundaries we do so nonetheless. We may think
we’re having an interesting, enlightening
conversation but we’re actually intimidating
people we care about.
Autistic people are often just as aware of
“the Big Picture” as everyone else, but
we see it as a sum of it’s parts. If some
of those parts are missing or are the wrong
shape we have to question it. When we do ask
those questions or express our doubts we sometimes
upset people.
Non-autistic people have often accepted that
to fit into an unfair world they sometimes
have to tolerate things that don’t make
sense or are unjust because they don’t feel
they have the power to change them. They prioritise
their energies and efforts towards things
they feel they DO have influence on.
Autistic and non-autistic people will never
see the Big Picture in the same way, but we
CAN learn to respect the different methods
we use to make sense of the world, and trust
that the people we care about want us to be
happy. Aren’t those the very foundations
of good relationships? Respect and trust?
Thank you for watching.
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