♪♪
[ FIRE CRACKLING, DOG SNORING ]
HELLO.
MY NAME IS JOE PERA.
AND I'M SORRY THAT YOU'RE HAVING
TROUBLE DOZING OFF.
THAT'S WHY I MADE YOU THIS SHOW.
BECAUSE IN MY OPINION,
FALLING ASLEEP IS
ONE OF THE BEST FEELINGS
THERE IS --
EVEN BETTER THAN HARMONIZING
WITH YOUR BOYS.
OH, YOU LIKE MY NEW SWEATER?
I'M TRYING
TO DO MORE STYLE.
ANYHOW, I FIGURED
WE COULD MAYBE EXPLORE
SOME MILDLY
INTERESTING SUBJECTS,
SUCH AS...
HOW COME PEOPLE DON'T CHEER
AFTER EVER FIREWORK?
OR PERHAPS DO
A GUIDED MEDITATION
TO HELP VISUALIZE YOURSELF
AS A GRANDPARENT...
OR A WHALE.
[ WHALE CALLS ]
ANYTHING THAT WILL HELP
RELAX YOU INTO SLEEP
AND KEEP YOUR MIND
OFF OF THE DAY-TO-DAY WORRIES
THAT MAKE YOU ANXIOUS.
LIKE REMEMBERING TO REFILL
THE ICE CUBE TRAYS
AND RACE RELATIONS.
FOR EXAMPLE,
I WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS
WHILE SHOVELING EARLIER.
WHEN STEPHEN HAWKING
CHEATED ON HIS WIFE,
SHE MUST'VE FELT PRETTY SAD.
IT WAS A TERRIBLE THING TO DO,
AND I DON'T WANT TO DEFEND HIM,
BUT TRY THINKING ABOUT IT
FROM HIS PERSPECTIVE
FOR A MOMENT.
HE SPENDS ALL DAY THINKING
ABOUT THE UNIVERSE
AND HOW BIG IT IS,
HOW OUR STAR,
THE SUN, IS JUST
ONE OF DOZENS OF STARS
IN THE GALAXY, WHICH IS JUST
ONE OF DOZENS OF GALAXIES
IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE,
ALL SET AGAINST HANDFULS
AND HANDFULS OF TIME.
[ TONES CHIME ]
IF ONE GUY CHEATS
ON HIS WIFE,
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
THINKING FURTHER
DOWN THE SAME LINE OF THOUGHT,
HOWEVER, IF WE'RE
SO TINY AND INSIGNIFICANT,
IF YOU'RE ABLE
TO FIND ONE PERSON
IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE
WHO CARES ABOUT YOU,
WHY WOULD YOU WANT
TO DISAPPOINT THEM?
SO, LADIES,
IF WE GET MARRIED,
I PROMISE I WON'T CHEAT ON YOU.
THAT SAID,
GOOD LUCK LOCKING DOWN
THIS BENGAL TIGER.
I AIN'T GOING
TO THE ZOO SO EASY.
JUST KIDDING.
I CAN'T WAIT TO GO TO THE ZOO.
SPEAKING OF MARRIAGE,
DID YOU KNOW THAT THE PHRASE
"TYING THE KNOT" IS
A REFERENCE TO HOW THEY USED
TO USE PRETZELS
IN SWISS WEDDING CEREMONIES
A WHILE AGO?
HERE'S SOME IMAGES OF PRETZELS
BEING MADE THAT I LIKE TO WATCH.
♪♪
THERE ARE A LOT
OF PRETZEL FACTORIES
IN CENTRAL PENNSYLVANIA --
CHIPS, TOO.
THAT'S WHY IT'S OFTEN REFERRED
TO AS "THE SNACK BELT."
AMONGST THE FEW COUNTIES,
THERE'S
UTZ'S PRETZELS AND CHIPS,
HERR'S PRETZELS AND CHIPS,
AND, OF COURSE,
SNYDER'S OF HANOVER.
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
ANOTHER IMPORTANT CONTRIBUTION
THE PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH MADE
TO THE REGION ARE
THEIR BEAUTIFUL BARNS.
♪♪
LIKE THIS ONE.
AND THIS ONE.
AND THIS ONE.
AND THIS ONE.
THIS ROUND BARN,
CALLED A SPRING HOUSE,
WAS DESIGNED TO KEEP MILK COOL
IN THE SUMMER.
IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES.
OKAY, OKAY, I APOLOGIZE.
I WAS JUST KIDDING.
THESE AREN'T BARNS
FROM CENTRAL PENNSYLVANIA,
BUT BARNS FROM CENTRAL NEW YORK.
I TRY TO KEEP A SENSE OF HUMOR
ABOUT THESE NEGLECTED BARNS,
OR I'LL GET SAD.
I CAN'T GET SAD ABOUT BARNS.
I OWE IT TO MYSELF
AND TO MY CHOIR STUDENTS
TO NOT BE UPSET ABOUT BARNS.
[ CLOCK TICKING ]
ARE YOU STILL WITH ME?
ARE YOU STILL WITH ME, GUS?
[ GUS GRUMBLES ]
HUH.
GUS IS
THE 32nd MOST POPULAR DOG NAME.
YOU KNOW
THE 90th MOST POPULAR DOG NAME?
OREO.
[ GUS SNORING ]
I'VE ACTUALLY GOT ANOTHER IDEA.
SOMETHING THAT HELPS ME
FALL ASLEEP IS LISTENING
TO VOICEMAILS I RECEIVE
FROM FRIENDS AND FAMILY.
I'VE GOT A FEW HERE
I'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU.
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
Man:HELLO, JOE.
 HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
 IT'S 20 MINUTES AFTER 9:00
 ON HALLOWEEN EVENING.
[ SLURPS ]
 WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE,
 GIVE US A CALL.
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
Woman:HI, HONEY.
 IT'S MOM JUST SAYING HELLO.
 I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
 BYE.
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
Woman #2:HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
 SWEETHEART.
 I'M FINALLY GETTING
 AROUND TO IT TODAY.
 MANY, MANY MORE, HONEY.
 I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
 I LOVE YOU. BYE-BYE.
[ TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS,
 ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
Charles:HEY, JOE.
 THIS IS CHARLES.
 I'M PLAYING PHONE TAG
 WITH THIS GIRL,
 SO, UM,
 I STILL HAVEN'T HEARD YET,
 BUT I'M FEELING
 "THE FLAKE" COMING ON.
 SO I WILL PROBABLY BE ABLE TO
GO
 TO "PHANTOM OF THE OPERA"
 WITH YOU.
 ALL RIGHT, BYE.
HEY.
I JUST REALIZED
SHEDS ARE LITTLE BARNS.
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
Elise:HEY, JOE,
 IT'S ELISE.
 UM, IT WAS NICE GOING OUT
 WITH YOU AGAIN LAST NIGHT,
 BUT I'VE GOT
 TO BE STRAIGHTFORWARD.
[ RAPID FOOTSTEPS ]
[ANSWERING MACHINE SQUEAKS]
[ CLATTER, GUS WHIMPERS ]
Joe: [ CLEARS THROAT ]
UM...
[ GUS GRUMBLES ]
S-SORRY.
I'VE BEEN MEANING
TO DELETE THAT ONE.
♪♪
WHEN WE WOULD GO OUT, I WOULD
HAVE TO WEAR RUNNING SNEAKERS
SO THAT I COULD RUN HOME AFTER
SHE GAVE ME A GOODNIGHT KISS.
IF I DIDN'T TIRE MYSELF OUT,
I WOULD LIE IN BED
THE REST OF THE NIGHT
WITH MY EYES LIKE THIS.
ANYHOW, AFTER I RECEIVED
THAT MESSAGE,
I DID THE SAME THING I USUALLY
DO WHEN STUFF LIKE THAT HAPPENS.
I WENT TO THE BATTING CAGES.
IT'S TOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT WOMEN
WHEN YOU'RE FOCUSED
ON FASTBALLS.
[ PITCHING MACHINE WHIRRING ]
AND ALSO, IT FEELS GOOD
TO HIT STUFF WITH A BAT.
[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]
[ BAT CLACKS ]
NICE.
[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]
[ BAT CLACKS ]
NICE.
[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]
[ BAT CLACKS ]
NICE.
[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]
[ BAT CLACKS ]
NICE.
[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]
[ BAT CLACKS ]
HOME RUN.
[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]
[ BAT CLACKS ]
ANOTHER HOME RUN.
[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]
CAN I SHARE MY SECRET...
[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]
ABOUT THE BATTING CAGES
WITH YOU?
[ BAT CLACKS ]
[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]
YOU LET
THE FIRST PITCH HIT YOU...
[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]
SO THAT YOUR ADRENALIN KICKS IN.
[ BAT CLACKS ]
THEN, YOU HIT THE REST OF THEM
TO THE MOON.
[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]
[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]
[ EXPLOSION ]
GRAND SLAM.
[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]
[ BAT CLACKS ]
NICE.
[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]
[ BAT CLACKS ]
NICE.
[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]
[ BAT CLACKS ]
NICE.
[PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS]
[BAT CLACKS]
NICE.
[PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS]
[BAT CLACKS]
AND ONCE YOU'RE DONE,
I PROMISE YOU WILL FEEL BETTER,
UNDERSTANDING THAT SOMETIMES
THINGS JUST DON'T WORK OUT.
LIKE HOW IT DIDN'T WORK OUT
FOR THE 1990
TO '93 BUFFALO BILLS,
WHO LOST
FOUR SUPER BOWLS IN A ROW,
OR HOW IT DIDN'T WORK OUT
FOR THE BUFFALO BUFFALOS,
OR THE PASSENGER PIGEON, EITHER,
OR THE TECOPA PUPFISH,
PYRENEAN IBEX,
OR KODAK.
IT DIDN'T WORK OUT
FOR THIS OMELET
THAT WENT COLD
DURING AN ARGUMENT
OR THIS UNDERWHELMING SUBMISSION
TO A PUMPKIN-CARVING CONTEST.
IT DID WORK OUT
FOR MY NEIGHBOR'S SON ALAN.
HE GOT AN "A."
BUT IT DIDN'T WORK OUT
FOR THIS CENTRAL NEW YORK BARN
SURROUNDED BY CONDOS
WHEN IT USED TO BE
SURROUNDED BY CORNS
OR ROBERT ADAMS,
WHO REALIZED 18 YEARS TOO LATE
THAT HE SHOULD'VE SPENT
MORE TIME WITH HIS SONS
INSTEAD OF GOING
TO 3D MOVIES WITH HIS FRIENDS,
AND ALISON WEBB,
DRESSED SO NICE,
WHO HATES BASKETBALL,
BUT SPENT A WHOLE NIGHT
WATCHING IT ALONE AT THE BAR
BECAUSE HER DATE NEVER SHOWED.
"SHOULD I CALL MY EX,"
SHE THINKS.
NO.
NO MORE SECOND CHANCES.
♪♪
AND AS WE KNOW,
IT DIDN'T WORK OUT
FOR BERNIE MADOFF.
THAT'S A GOOD THING.
IF YOU BREAK THE RULES,
YOU GO TO THE PENALTY BOX.
I WONDER WHAT HE'S THINKING
ABOUT RIGHT NOW.
[PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS,
 BAT CLACKS]
I WONDER IF HE KNOWS
WE'RE THINKING ABOUT HIM.
DOES HE ENJOY FALLING ASLEEP?
AT LEAST IN HIS DREAMS, HE COULD
IMAGINE HE'S NOT IN JAIL.
ANYHOW, IF YOU'VE GOT
A CRUMMY DAY COMING UP TOMORROW,
YOU JUST REMIND YOURSELF THAT,
"AT LEAST I'M NOT IN JAIL
LIKE BERNIE MADOFF."
UH, MAYBE -- MAYBE YOU ARE.
I DON'T KNOW.
SORRY.
EITHER WAY,
I HOPE YOU'RE FEELING
A LITTLE BIT MORE RELAXED
AND ARE READY TO HIT THE HAY.
I'LL JOIN YOU AS SOON
AS THE FIRE DIES DOWN
AND I DOUBLE-CHECK
THAT THE GAS STOVE IS OFF.
GOOD NIGHT.
♪♪
[ GUS SNORING ]
WHAT DO YOU THINK, GUS?
SHOULD WE DO A LATE-NIGHT SNACK
OR A BIG EGG BREAKFAST?
[ GUS GRUMBLES ]
YEAH, I THINK SO, TOO.
♪♪
[ GUS SNORING ]
