 
# THE LESSON OF THE BEES

## David Skovron
THE LESSON OF THE BEES

by David Skovron

Published 2018 by David Skovron

Copyright © 2018 by David Skovron

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
_For Jeff_

# Praise for David Skovron

"An immensely disquieting work

from a promising new voice."

– _Kirkus Reviews_

### Contents

Foreword

1. Thursday, Nov. 5, 1964

2. Monday, Nov. 9, 1964

3. Tuesday, Nov. 10, 1964

4. Friday, Nov. 13, 1964

5. Monday, Nov. 16, 1964

6. Tuesday, Nov. 17, 1964

7. Wednesday, Nov. 18, 1964

8. Monday, Nov. 23, 1964

9. Tuesday, Nov. 24, 1964

10. Wednesday, Nov. 25, 1964

11. Thursday, Nov. 26, 1964

12. Sunday, Nov. 29, 1964

13. Monday, Nov. 30, 1964

14. Tuesday, Dec. 1, 1964

15. Wednesday, Dec. 2, 1964

16. Thursday, Dec. 3, 1964

17. Friday, Dec. 4, 1964

18. Saturday, Dec. 5, 1964

19. Sunday, Dec. 6, 1964

20. Monday, Dec. 7, 1964

21. Tuesday, Dec. 8, 1964

22. Wednesday, Dec. 9, 1964

23. Thursday, Dec. 10, 1964

24. Friday, Dec. 11, 1964

25. Saturday, Dec. 12, 1964

26. Sunday, Dec. 13, 1964

27. Monday, Dec. 14, 1964

28. Tuesday, Dec. 15, 1964

29. Wednesday, Dec. 16, 1964

30. Thursday, Dec. 17, 1964

31. Friday, Dec. 18, 1964

32. Saturday, Dec. 19, 1964

33. Sunday, Dec. 20, 1964

34. Monday, Dec. 21, 1964

35. Tuesday, Dec. 22, 1964

36. Wednesday, Dec. 23, 1964

37. Thursday, Dec. 24, 1964

38. Friday, Dec. 25, 1964

39. Saturday, Dec. 26, 1964

40. Sunday, Dec. 27, 1964

41. Monday, Dec. 28, 1964

42. Tuesday, Dec. 29, 1964

43. Wednesday, Dec. 30, 1964

44. Friday, Jan. 1, 1965

45. Saturday, Jan. 2, 1965

46. Sunday, Jan. 3, 1965

47. Monday, Jan. 4, 1965

48. Friday, Jan. 8, 1965

49. Saturday, Jan. 9, 1965

50. Sunday, Jan. 10, 1965

51. Monday, Jan. 11, 1965

52. Tuesday, Jan. 12, 1965

53. Wednesday, Jan. 13, 1965

54. Thursday, Jan. 14, 1965

55. Friday, Jan. 15, 1965

56. Saturday, Jan. 16, 1965

57. Sunday, Jan. 17, 1965

58. Monday, Jan. 18, 1965

59. Tuesday, Jan. 19, 1965

60. Wednesday, Jan. 20, 1965

61. Thursday, Jan. 21, 1965

62. Friday, Jan. 22, 1965

63. Saturday, Jan. 23, 1965

About the Author
_I 'm lying on the grass in my backyard looking up at the sky. The sky is deep, deep blue. My arms slide along the grass like I'm making a snow angel. My right hand hits something. I turn my head and see a doorknob. I get up on my knees and see a wooden door in the ground. I reach for the doorknob, turn it and fall through the doorway._

_I'm lying in my bed and looking at the ceiling. I can hear Danny sleeping in the bed next to me. I look up to the ceiling and see a doorknob. I stand on my bed and jump up to the doorknob and turn it. Dirt starts to pour out of the ceiling. Dirt is falling onto my head and onto my bed._

_I'm floating through the sky at night above our house. My arms are out like Superman. I circle around our house and notice it's floating on water. We don't have a backyard anymore. Water is everywhere. An open door appears in front of me and I fly through it._

_I'm standing on the roof of our front porch and looking into my parents' bedroom window. The TV set is on and a weird yellow and green light is crawling on the ceiling. My mom is sleeping. My father is sitting up in bed staring at me. His eyes are red like flames. My father gets out of bed and walks over to the window and looks at me. He starts to bark like a dog. I can see his spit hit the window. His top lip curls up over his teeth, I'm scared. I turn around and run through an open doorway._

_I'm sitting at our kitchen table in the dark. I can still hear my father barking like a dog. I hear someone walking towards the kitchen. I hear heavy footsteps. Someone is standing in the archway looking at me in the kitchen. It is pitch black. I pull my hands close to my chest and close my eyes tight. I hear one of the kitchen chairs being pulled back. Someone is sitting next to me at the kitchen table. My eyes are closed so tight they hurt._

_I hear a door slam and then another and another and another. Someone is breathing very heavy next to me at the kitchen table in the dark. I'm scared._

## 1

# Thursday, Nov. 5, 1964

My name is Teddy Lapinski and I'm twelve years old. I am writing in a journal that was given to me by my 7th grade teacher Sister Ann. She says I can read at a high school level and should write down all the things that happen to me. I love to read and I really like to draw, but it's writing stories that I like best.

I don't know if I'm doing this right or not. I've never written anything down before in a blank book. When my father saw this red book Sister Ann gave me, he said only girls write in a diary. I told him it was a journal and it said so on the cover. My Journal. He called me a sissy. He does that a lot. Girls' diaries have locks on them. My Journal doesn't. A boy can write in a journal. This isn't a diary.

Sister says that I show real talent. Wow. I never had anyone say such nice things about me. She said I should write down anything that came to my mind. She said I can write about what happened during the day, stories I make up, whatever I feel like sharing. She said to write in a way that if someone in the future found my journal they could learn who I was and what was happening when I was writing and to describe everything. So I'm going to. And she also said I don't have to show anybody what I've written. I like that. This is just mine.

I also want this to be written correctly, so I have a dictionary next to me. I'm an awful speller. And I'm going to write in ink, not pencil. Kids write in pencil. I'm going to be a writer, so it's all in ink.

I guess the most important thing I should write down today is that my older brother Danny got very sick. He's sixteen. Danny is the best brother another brother could ever have. We share the same room and have a blast. I've heard from my friends that older brothers can be a real pain but not Danny. He's my best friend. Anyway, he's been having a lot of headaches and he hasn't been able to play on his sports teams in high school. Baseball, golf, basketball. Father Donnelly says he's the best athlete on the sophomore team he's seen in years.

His headaches started about six months ago. His eyesight started to change and he had to get glasses. Now his glasses are really thick. The doctor thought new glasses would take care of everything, but they haven't. My father is really proud of Danny. He loves him. When Danny was in grade school he won all the awards in sports. They went to every father-son banquet at St. Francis of Assisi. He's got so many trophies in our room. It's really neat.

My mom is really worried. She prays a lot. I mean we're a very religious family. My mom is Irish and my father is Polish. My Uncle Paul is a Monsignor at the Vatican. At the Vatican! That is so neat! He's my mom's brother. My father says he's a pompous ass and a stupid mick. I think that's disrespectful. Anyway, my mom is starting to act a little funny around my brother. She sometimes just stares at him in a weird way.

Danny is going to see someone called a specialist on Monday. Somebody who knows a lot about your brain. I know he'll be okay.

Anyway, I think that's about it. I think I'm going to like writing in my journal.

## 2

# Monday, Nov. 9, 1964

Mom, my father and Danny are at the hospital to meet with the new doctor. My father couldn't get off of work in the afternoon so they had to make an appointment at 6:00 o'clock. We ate our dinner really fast at 5:00, then they left. I'm alone in our house. I really like our house but I like it better during the day. I'm old enough not to be scared but sometimes it gets spooky. Especially at night. It's not a big house but it's old. My great-great-grandparents lived here when they came over from Ireland a long time ago. I think that's cool. My great-great-grandmother and grandfather died in an automobile accident. My grandmother didn't like to talk about it when she was alive, so I don't know much about it. My grandfather died when I was one, so I don't remember him at all. Both my grandma and grandpa died in this house. My mom tells us the story that when grandpa died they had his casket in the living room and she had to sit with him all night. I could never do that. She said that it was tradition for the daughter to sit vigil at night with a single candle burning. I would have been scared out of my mind. She did it for three nights.

Anyway, off of our dining room is a bedroom we call the sick room. Since we only have one bathroom and it's off of the kitchen, whenever we're sick we stay downstairs in the sick room because it's closer to it. My grandpa and grandma died in that room. In the same bed that's in there. I don't like to stay down there when I'm sick, so my mom puts a white tin bucket next to my bed, between my brother and me, in case I'm going to vomit. My father says I should stay downstairs and not bother the whole family when I'm sick. But I can't stay down there. He gets really angry if I throw up because he has to take it downstairs in the middle of the night.

I stayed down there one time when I had the mumps last year. I don't like to think about that time.

School was okay today. My best friend Joey and I had a blast during recess. His mom lets him buy 45's all the time. He told me he has the new Beatles single "Eight Days A Week" and I'm going to go over to his house this weekend to listen to it. I've heard the song on the transistor radio my brother and I share in our room. It's even got an earphone you stick in your ear and no one can tell you're listening to the radio. My mom says the Beatles are immoral because they don't cut their hair and girls scream when they see them. I think they're tuff. Joey's afraid he's going to be left back a grade because he's failing in math and reading. I hope not.

I hate when this happens. It's about 7:30 and I'm writing at the dining room table facing the sick room. I just heard a sound from in there. A thump. I'm not going in the room. I'm going to watch TV.

## 3

# Tuesday, Nov. 10, 1964

Danny has to have an operation in two weeks because he has a tumor on his brain. My mother is going to have the mass on Sunday at St. Francis offered up to him. My father is angry because he has to pay ten dollars to the church for the mass. Danny has to go and get different glasses called bifocals because his vision is getting worse. Danny doesn't want to talk because his head hurts too much.

When I got home from school today Danny was sleeping on the couch with the TV on. He hasn't been going to school anymore because of the headaches and his vision.

I heard my mother's voice coming from the cellar. I went into the kitchen and saw the cellar door open so I called out to her. I guess she didn't hear me so I went down the stairs. She was standing in front of the washing machine. I could see she had laid out a white cloth over it and a standing wooden cross was placed in the middle of it with red votive candles lit on either side. Her big prayer book was open and she was saying words I didn't understand. It wasn't English but I think it was Latin. I'm an altar boy so I know what Latin sounds like. I didn't like seeing my mom like this. It was weird. I've never seen her do anything like this before. I didn't say anything. I just went back upstairs and watched TV.

_D arlene Bukowski and I are sitting in our classroom. It is raining outside. Sister Ann tells us to turn the statues of Mary, the mother of God, Joseph her husband and Saint Francis of Assisi so they can face out and look outside and see the rain. They will stop the rain, boys and girls. The saints will protect you from the rain. I sit in my seat and watch the water rise outside the window. It gets higher and higher. The windows begin to rattle. We are sitting at our desks and they begin to vibrate. My cigar box that holds my pens and pencils moves across my desk and falls off the side. Darlene starts crying. The water is rising above the double windows of the classroom. I hear the glass begin to crack. I see the water beginning to seep in. Darlene runs up to the windows and grabs the statue of the Virgin Mary. The glass from all the windows breaks and the water bursts inside the classroom. Darlene screams as I watch the water slam her against the cloak room and then pull her back out the window. I can see her underpants as she flips upside down over and over and disappears out the window never letting go of the Virgin Mary._

_I'm sitting on the side of my bed and I can't see in front of me. Everything is blurry. I hear a wave coming from behind me. The sound of the water scares me. It sounds like thunder. I know I'm sitting on the side of my bed facing my brother but I can't see anything. Something is moving in front of me but I can't see. It's too blurry. Something is pushing me forward. A wave is over my head. I look up and see a giant wall of water coming straight down on me in my bed. The water hits the back of my head and I begin to tumble over and over and over._

## 4

# Friday, Nov. 13, 1964

My father found my journal on the shelf of my nightstand where I keep my comic books. He grabbed me by my shirt collar and hit me hard across the face with the journal. He screamed at me saying I was a stupid little queer to write down our family's business. Danny was at another doctor's appointment with my mom and my father stayed home with me. He came up to our room and wanted to know what I was doing. I heard him coming up the stairs and I tried to put my journal underneath some Superman comics but he saw what I was doing when he stormed into our room. It really hurt when he hit me with the journal. I did start to cry. He took my journal, opened up the window and threw it out. He was drunk, which is nothing new. He always gets drunk on Fridays and the rest of the weekend. I waited in my room until I heard him snoring downstairs in his chair with the TV on. I crept down the stairs and went into the kitchen and out the back door and found my journal next to the house. I will never let him find it again. I guess it's true what they say about Friday the 13th.

## 5

# Monday, Nov. 16, 1964

The weekend was awful. I have to hide when I'm writing now because I can't take the chance of my father finding out so I do it when I get home from school before he gets home from work. I told Danny what happened and he said I should make sure not to piss him off. He told me to just try to not do things that I know will make him angry. I wanted to tell my mom about it but I think he'd hit her too if she said anything about it to him. Part of me feels good about writing this because it's like I'm telling someone who won't get in trouble for me telling secrets about my family. My father always says, It's Nobody's Goddamn Business What Happens Here In This House. Keep Your Goddamn Mouths Shut. Everything I do gets my father mad at me. He has such an angry look in his eyes when he hits me. He hits Danny too sometimes but mostly me. I've got to learn to just not do anything to make him mad. I need to just blend in.

Danny's operation is next Wednesday. He says he'll do anything to have the headaches stop and be able to see without glasses again. He really misses playing golf.

I'm not very good at sports. My father says I have no coordination. He says that the only thing I do good is eat. If there was a sport for eating, I'd win. He also says I'm too fat. I don't think I am.

I've really tried to watch baseball and football on TV but I don't understand it. I don't know the rules. Danny tried to explain it all to me but I just wasn't that interested in it.

I like to read and I like music. My favorite show on TV is _The Man From U.N.C.L.E._ and _The Patty Duke Show_. Well there are a lot more but those two are my favorite.

I really like to read about the lives of the Saints. People who suffered for Christ when awful things would test their faith. Maria Goretti was stabbed over twenty times because she would not give herself to a man. My Uncle Paul from the Vatican says there are rooms and rooms of relics from the Saints there. He's seen the bloody dress of Maria Goretti's. Can you believe that? Wow.

I really like going to church. Saint Francis of Assisi is a beautiful church. We've got life size statues of Jesus, Mary, Joseph and Saint Francis. And the Stations of the Cross are all painted and about three feet tall. There are fourteen stations and they all show what Christ had to go through before he was crucified.

I feel safe in church. The smell of the incense and candles. It's cool.

I know if I pray to God hard enough he will heal my brother. You're supposed to pray to Mary, the mother of God, first and she will intercede your request and tell Jesus. But I figure since I am a good Catholic I can go directly to God and ask him. It's just too important to me. I don't think Mary will mind.

_I am in church with my family. We are sitting in the pew we always sit in. Father Kowalski is saying Mass. He raises the host and the altar boy rings the bells. The host is in his hands and his arms are outstretched, pointing to heaven. I feel my body begin to float up into the air. Danny looks at me amazed. My feet pass his head as I float upward. Everyone is looking at me. Their mouths are open. I float over their heads. Sunlight hits my face as everyone sees the bottoms of my shoes. Everyone is making the sign of the cross. I am moving towards the altar. I am floating. I am flying. I am alive with the spirit of God and floating in my church. In the choir loft, Miss Richards, the organist, faints and her hands fall limply on the keys and the sound from the organ is majestic. It is wonderful. It fills the church. Father Kowalski still has his hands outstretched holding the host as I hover right above him. He looks into my eyes. I turn around and face the congregation. To show respect I kneel in mid air above him. Above his hands. Above the host. I fold my hands perfectly in prayer. I am floating over the altar. Father Kowalski, the host and me. I am floating over the body of Christ. The organ music is getting louder and louder. It sounds so beautiful. I can see my mother holding her rosary beads and crying. She is so proud of me. The altar boy starts to ring the bells. I am bathed in sunlight and floating over God looking out at the congregation. The life size statues of Jesus, Mary, Joseph and Saint Francis of Assisi turn on their pedestals and genuflect to me. I am not a Saint. I have not suffered. I am floating. It is the most wonderful feeling in the world._

## 6

# Tuesday, Nov. 17, 1964

Danny cried in bed last night. We looked at each other in our beds and talked and he cried. He told me how horrible he felt. Aside from his headaches, he's really sick to his stomach and dizzy all the time. He misses going to school. It's his sophomore year and everything was going great until he got sick. I told him I was praying for him and it was going to be alright. He smiled at me and said I was the holiest one in the house. It was weird. He kept saying that he didn't want anything to happen to me. What could happen to me? He said he was my big brother and big brothers always protect little brothers. I told him I didn't need protection. He said, Yeah, You Do.

He asked how I was doing in school and I told him what we were studying and who the nuns paddled last week. Luckily I have never been paddled by Sister Joan Marie. She's the principal. Thomas O'Brien got paddled last week because he wouldn't stop eating his boogers in class. What happened was, he sits next to Judy Welch and when she saw him picking his nose and eating his boogers she threw up on her desk. It splashed on Mike Gathers who sits in front of her and he freaked out and wet his pants. Bobby Johnson saw it and started laughing and Sister Ann went over and slapped him hard with the ruler. But when she saw all the vomit and Mike standing there with his pants all wet, she threw up too, in Bobby Johnson's lap. Anyway Thomas O'Brien got paddled for being disgusting.

When I finished my story, Danny was laughing. He told me to stop because he was going to throw up on me if I didn't stop making him laugh. I love Danny. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I can't imagine what it will feel like going to the hospital and having an operation. What are they going to do to him? Are they going to cut his head open? How can you do that? Where did the tumor come from? How did it get in his brain? Danny said he's gotten so many x-rays of his head they can probably see what he's thinking. I thought that was funny.

Danny was getting tired but he wanted me to keep talking to him and tell him more of what was going on in school. I told him about Peter Lynch, who's a bully and calls me a sissy and Mary Pat Reynolds who has a crush on Danny. I knew he had fallen asleep but I kept talking to him. I finished up the day's activities and told him how much I loved him and I wouldn't let anything bad happen to him. He was snoring a little and I cried.

_I am sleeping in my bed. My brother is sleeping in his bed. Our bedroom door opens. I keep my eyes closed. If I open my eyes I know I'll be very afraid. I can hear the wood in the floor creak. It stops. My eyes are shut tight. Someone is standing next to me. Someone is standing next to my bed and looking down at me. Someone is shining a flashlight in my face. My eyes are shut but not so tight that they would know I was faking being asleep. I can feel someone looking at me. I can feel the light shining on my face. I can hear breathing. I don't move an inch. I make sure I breathe soft and slow. I am pretending I am sleeping and I don't know what's happening in our room. I hear the sound of the wave coming. I don't open my eyes. I can feel the pressure of the water beginning to hit the back of my neck. I can imagine seeing the huge wave above me. I don't open my eyes. The water is coming down on me. The wave is going to crush me. I feel myself being lifted up and somersaulting over and over and over._

## 7

# Wednesday, Nov. 18, 1964

Danny is doing really bad today so my parents moved him into the sick room. His operation is seven days away. They started to give him pills to take some of the pain away, so now he sleeps a lot.

After school I went into the sick room and sat next to his bed. It's a big wooden bed. The headboard has all kinds of carvings in it. A tree, acorns and lots of roots. Danny is propped up with three pillows and the covers are under his arms. The whole time I sat with him he didn't move. I just watched him breathe.

After about a half hour my mom came in and said I should come out and help her in the kitchen. She was making dinner. I helped her cook the ground beef in the electric skillet for the spaghetti sauce. I usually do that with her. It's fun to cook. The ground beef is so red when you put it on the hot skillet. Patting it down with the spatula and watching the fat start to ooze out is cool. And it smells great.

My mom and I talk and she tells me what a perfect son Danny is to her. She says she loves me but Danny is perfect. I tell her he is perfect and how much I love him. She doesn't seem to hear me.

The beef is almost all grey now and the fat is spurting out a little. I know the routine. I put a can of tomato paste and stewed tomatoes in with the grilled beef. I scrape the cans with a spoon to make sure everything gets out. I mix it all together and add a can of sliced mushrooms. You have to drain the mushrooms from the can first. Once everything is cooking I lower the heat to simmer and put the cover over it and open the little air vent on the top to let the steam escape. I like cooking with my mom.

We set the table but this time it's only for three people. Danny is too sick to come to the table. My mom will feed him in the sick room when he wakes up.

My father came home in a good mood and we all had a great dinner. Danny never woke up so my mom decided to let him sleep and put his dinner in a covered dish. The bathroom is off the kitchen and my father always goes in there after dinner. It's kind of gross to hear him going to the bathroom but I've gotten used to it. He makes a lot of noise. Yuck.

I helped my mom do the dishes and my father went into the living room and sat in his chair drinking his beer, watching The Virginian on TV.

My mom and I finished up cleaning and she went into the living room with my father. I don't like _The Virginian_ so I took my time and wiped up the grease from the stove. When I was finished I turned out the lights in the kitchen and I walked in the dining room past the sick room and heard Danny say, Teddy. I went in and turned on the light. He was still propped up on his pillows. He looked at me and said, I Don't Like Being Down Here. He then closed his eyes and fell back to sleep.

## 8

# Monday, Nov. 23, 1964

I haven't been able to write a lot because I've been staying with my Uncle Jack and Aunt Dolly. Danny had to go to the hospital on Friday because he started to go crazy at home. He was yelling and screaming and my mom and I got really scared. On Friday, the ambulance came and took him to the hospital so my parents had me stay with my Uncle and Aunt. Aunt Dolly is my father's sister. I love her and Uncle Jack. She makes the most amazing cakes for weddings and Uncle Jack is a lawyer. My father calls him a crooked kike (I think that's how you spell it but it's a nasty word for Jewish people). I like Uncle Jack a lot. They have the coolest house with a creek in the backyard. Aunt Dolly and I go and wade in the creek and look for crawfish.

Danny is getting operated on in two days. I wish I could see him and talk to him but my parents say I'm too young to be allowed into the hospital and that it's best if I stay with Uncle Jack and Aunt Dolly.

They made their basement into two bedrooms because Uncle Jack has a lot of brothers and sisters that come and visit. It's really cool.

I wish I could see Danny. I hope he's not afraid. I wish I could be with him.

School was weird today because it was the first anniversary of the killing of President Kennedy. All our morning classes were cancelled because the whole school went to Mass at 10 o'clock. Father Donovan gave the sermon and said that there is a lot of evil in the world and President Kennedy was killed because he was Catholic and Irish. My mom says the same thing.

Aunt Dolly picked me up after school and we watched the _Magilla Gorilla Show, Yogi Bear_ and _The Jetsons_ when we got back to their house. She is so cool. I really like cartoons. It kills me to watch George Jetson get stuck on the conveyer belt with Astro at the end.

Jane! Stop this crazy thing!

She made the best dinner too. Salisbury steak, baked potatoes, carrots and pineapple upside down cake for dessert. Uncle Jack and I watched _Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea_ and _The Andy Griffith Show_. Aunt Dolly was making cakes. I wanted to stay up late for _The Alfred Hitchcock Hour_ but they said it was too late and too scary so I had to go to bed. To be honest I've never seen _The Alfred Hitchcock Hour_ but I thought I would try.

I love Uncle Jack and Aunt Dolly. They're really tuff.

It's going to be Thanksgiving on Thursday. I don't know where I'm going to be but I hope I'm here.

_M y father, Danny and I are sitting in a wooden motorboat with an engine on the back. A red flag on the front of the boat has the word SISSY printed on it. Danny and my father are putting worms on fishing hooks. I'm sitting in the boat in my underwear. They put their fishing poles over the side of the boat and begin to lower their fishing lines. All of a sudden Danny's fishing pole bends down towards the water. My father yells at him to reel it in. I'm now sitting on a toilet in the boat. I'm embarrassed because I don't know how I will wipe myself without everyone seeing me. Danny reels his catch in and my mother is on the end of the hook. My father tells Danny to throw it back in the water. Danny reaches inside her mouth and pulls the hook out and pushes her back into the water. Danny looks at me sitting on the toilet and says, I'll Always Protect You._

_Danny and I are at Waldameer Amusement Park. We are on the roller coaster. We are in the front car. We are slowly going up and up and up on the wooden track. Danny tells me to hold on tight to the metal bar. I can see the blue sky above me. I can see the parking lot below me. I can see the birds flying all around me. I can see my knuckles turning white holding on to the metal bar. We are at the top of the roller coaster. My brother and I are holding tight to the metal bar of the roller coaster. Danny looks at me. I look at him. The roller coaster car begins to slowly tip forward. I can hear the people behind me begin to scream. I won't let go of the metal bar in front of me. The roller coaster car is facing straight down. We are about to fall. We are about to fall straight down the wooden roller coaster tracks. Danny looks at me just as we are about to fall and says, I've got to go Teddy. Our roller coaster car begins to pitch forward down the wooden tracks. I'm holding tight to the metal bar. Danny has his hands up in the air. I can feel the pressure of the other roller coaster cars behind us. The wind begins to blow hard against my face. My back is pushed against the back of the seat. I begin to scream. I can hear everyone else behind me scream. Danny is no longer next to me. I am sitting alone in the roller coaster car. The roller coaster is plummeting straight down. He is no longer next to me. He has let go of the metal bar. He is gone. I am falling straight down. I am alone. I am screaming._

## 9

# Tuesday, Nov. 24, 1964

After work, my father came over to Uncle Jack and Aunt Dolly's. When I saw him, he rushed over to me and hugged me really hard. At first I thought he was going to hit me but he took me in his arms and hugged me really hard. It was great. He never does that. He didn't smell like alcohol. He told me he wanted to take a walk with me down by the creek. My father and I have never really done anything alone together. He usually likes to be with Danny.

We sat by the edge of the creek and he told me Danny is going to be operated on tomorrow. He told me that I'll only be staying with Uncle Jack and Aunt Dolly until tomorrow. He and mom will pick me up tomorrow and go home. It was weird sitting with my father. I didn't know what to say to him. He and I have never sat alone together. I think he felt weird too. I told him how nice Uncle Jack and Aunt Dolly were and they were really nice to me. He looked at me for a couple of seconds. It was weird. He looked at me and said, He'll Be Okay. I didn't say anything. We just sat there.

## 10

# Wednesday, Nov. 25, 1964

Danny was operated on today at 10:30 this morning. It was a six hour operation. My mom called Aunt Dolly around 5 o'clock and I snuck upstairs and picked up the extension and listened. The operation was only supposed to last four hours but they ran into complications. The bad part about the operation was towards the end Danny started to wake up because the anesthetic (I had to look that word up) started to wear off. They were stitching up Danny's head and he woke up. From what my mother said, the doctors and nurses talked to him and told him he was a real trooper and to hang in there. He said he would. My mom cried and Aunt Dolly said the worst was over. My hands started to shake a little so I hung up the phone.

I'm really happy the operation is over but I can't stop thinking about Danny waking up. How do you wake up when the drugs are supposed to keep you asleep? Did he just open his eyes and see a doctor with a needle and thread sewing up his scalp? Did he feel what was happening to him? This has to be the most horrible thing that can happen to anybody. It really scares me.

Aunt Dolly told me to pack up my things because my father would be coming to pick me up later. She said she would have loved to have me for Thanksgiving but my parents want me to come home. I wish I could stay.

## 11

# Thursday, Nov. 26, 1964

I don't know why I had to be home for Thanksgiving. My mom left for the hospital around noon and didn't come back until night time. I got stuck with my father all day. I watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in the morning. New York City is so cool. I'm going to live there someday. My father calls New York City, Bagdad on the Hudson. I have no idea what that means but he says the whole place is loaded with Jews and queers. He said the other word for Jews but I'm not writing it down. I think Broadway musicals are the best. I can't imagine what it must be like to actually be there and watch one. Wow. Aunt Dolly always gives me an original Broadway recording every year for Christmas. Last year she gave me Oliver! I think it's neat the way the title has an exclamation point in it. I hope this year she gets me Funny Girl because Joey's mom says it's really something and the girl who's in it is really talented. Fingers crossed.

My mother made the stuffing and cranberry sauce in the morning. The turkey was in an electric roaster we only use for Thanksgiving. My father puts it in the cellar on top of the washing machine because there isn't enough room in the kitchen and not enough outlets. Once the football games start on TV my father sits in his chair and drinks all day and night. It's really not that bad because he leaves me alone. Usually he and Danny watch the games and I help my mom set the table and get things ready for dinner around 5 o'clock. I stayed in my room most of the day but around 3 o'clock I decided to go downstairs and look inside the sick room. I knew Danny was going to be staying in it when he came home and I just wanted to look around and see if I could find out what made that thumping noise.

I went in and turned on both lights on the dresser. I really didn't need to but I did anyway. It's not a big room but the bed is big. There are two dressers in the room and a chair that has the seat low to the ground. My grandmother said it was built that way so women could put their shoes on easily. I don't get it. Anyway there's a big closet where my mom keeps a lot of her dresses and coats. I looked around the room and tried to figure out where any weird sounds could come from. I looked under the bed but there was nothing under it. If I wanted to, there's room enough to crawl under the bed. The closet is just crammed with dresses and hat boxes up on the shelves. Two windows look out at the next door neighbor's house. Nothing. Why is this room so scary at night? I got into the bed and just lay there looking up at the ceiling. Danny will be looking at the ceiling a lot while he's getting better. If he had x-ray vision he'd be able to see me sleeping right above him in our room. I thought about my grandfather and grandmother. Each one died in this bed. On the same mattress. Weird. The bed is really comfortable and has lots of pillows. Maybe something just fell outside when I heard the thump. I don't know. I wish I had spent Thanksgiving with Aunt Dolly and Uncle Jack.

## 12

# Sunday, Nov. 29, 1964

It's been a couple of days since I last wrote in my journal. I've been helping my mom around the house and keeping her company. She says Danny is going to be in the hospital for two weeks. The house isn't the same without him.

Mom and my father said they were going for a drink at The Last Call. The bar is right on the corner across the street. I can see it from the living room. It has a big red neon sign of a man's face with his open hand by his mouth and a cartoon bubble next to it saying The Last Call, in yellow neon.

They left after dinner around 6 o'clock and told me I'd be fine alone in the house since they were right across the street. Mom said they'd be back in about an hour and to just watch TV. They were still gone at 9 o'clock when I heard it. I had been watching _The Ed Sullivan Show_ because Disney had a show about some bear cubs and I thought it looked dumb. _Bonanza_ was just starting when I heard a really loud thump from the sick room. I just sat there on the floor in front of the TV. And then I heard it again.

I stood up and walked into the dining room and turned the lights on. The chandelier lit up. The sick room was over to the right, before you walked into the kitchen. The room was dark. I stood there and didn't move. I heard the thump again. It was not coming from outside. It was coming from inside the room. The chandelier didn't put much light into the sick room. What was in there? A ghost? I was so scared I just couldn't move. Something was in the sick room. I tried to see into the dark room. I was too afraid to go inside and turn the lights on. I didn't want to step inside. Something was really inside the sick room. I just knew it. I squinted really hard into the dark and something started to take shape. The front door opened and my father looked at me and said, What The Hell Are You Standing There For? I told him I heard something in the sick room. He walked past me and into the sick room and turned on the lights. He said, Nothing Here, Go To Bed Little Girl. He stood there and laughed at me. I went to bed.

## 13

# Monday, Nov. 30, 1964

Nothing much happened in school today. Father Donovan came over during Christian Doctrine class and made sure we were all wearing our scapulars. I had mine on. I wear it every day. Thomas O'Brien didn't have his on and Father Donovan told him how dangerous and sacrilegious it was for a Catholic boy not to be wearing his scapular. Thomas gets into a lot of trouble. Luckily Father had an extra scapular in his pocket. He took out a brown cloth one that had the Sacred Heart Of Jesus on the front of a fabric square and the Virgin Mary on the back. Thomas didn't know how to put it on, which made Father Donovan look over at Sister Ann funny. I guess you'd say it looks like a necklace made out of a shoe lace with the two little fabric pieces hanging on the front and the back. Father showed Thomas how to put the front fabric piece of Christ on his chest while the fabric piece of Mary went on his back. As long as you wear your scapular you get admitted into Heaven no matter what. If you get hit by a car and die wearing your scapular, you go straight to Heaven. No questions asked. Father told Thomas to go into the boys lavatory and untie his tie and shirt collar and put it on.

When Thomas came back from the boys room, Father said a prayer over us and blessed us. When he and Sister Ann stepped out of our classroom Thomas turned around to me and said, I'm Not Wearing This Stupid Thing, It Itches. I'm Going To Put It On My Dog.

I couldn't believe he said that to me. How could you give up a ticket to Heaven? I told him it's probably a mortal sin if he did that and he just laughed at me and called me a Holy Joe. I'll never take my scapular off. I'm not taking that chance.

When I came home from school, my other best friend Mary Beth Pulaski was there. She is one of my oldest friends. My mom likes to tell the story that she and I shared the same crib when we were babies when Mrs. Pulaski came over for visits. We even took baths together!

The one thing Mary Beth and I like to do together is roller skate. We go every Saturday to the Erie Roller Rink and skate all afternoon. It is so much fun. Mary Beth and her mom came over to see how my mom was doing. Mary Beth and I went up to my room and we talked about Danny and what's going on in school. She goes to Our Lady of the Sacred Heart because that's the neighborhood she lives in. When she was a baby she used to live next door to us but she moved away when she was two. I didn't tell her about my journal. I was going to but I figured I wouldn't say anything and just keep it between Danny and me.

She and I said we'd see each other on Saturday at the roller rink. Can't wait.

_T he house is pitch black. I'm standing in the kitchen. The door to the cellar is open. I can hear the dryer running. I'm walking down the cellar stairs. I am terrified. Something inside the dryer is banging. An old lantern is hanging from the ceiling giving off a little light. Standing next to the dryer is a little girl. She doesn't say anything. I think she is my age. I'm standing in the cellar with a little girl and something inside the dryer is banging and banging. The little girl walks into the furnace room next to the laundry area. I follow her. The banging is getting louder and louder. The little girl is gone. The banging stops. The light goes out and I am standing alone in the furnace room when I feel something freezing cold touch the back of my neck._

## 14

# Tuesday, Dec. 1, 1964

It's really cold at night. We have a big furnace in the cellar and Danny or my father always waters the furnace. I've seen my brother do it two times but I hate being in the cellar so I usually don't go down with him when he does it. What you have to do is fill up the big metal watering can with water, at the stationary tub next to the washing machine, and pour it into a pan that's in the furnace. It's supposed to make the air wetter and not so dry. My mother says her skin dries out in the winter and that's why we have to water the furnace. Well tonight my father told me I should go and do it. I asked him why and he just told me that Danny won't be able to do it for awhile when he comes home and I should learn how to do it. I asked him if he'd come down with me and show me but he said I already knew how to do it. He was sitting in his chair watching TV and my mother was on the couch reading the paper. I asked him again if he would come down with me and he said NO!

Our cellar is spooky. I really don't like it at all. In the day or night. I opened up the door leading down to the cellar and turned on the light. The lightbulb lit up the stairs and all the food along the wall. There is a brick shelf on either side of the stairs as you walk down. My father said it was the ledge of the foundation of the house. My mom puts a lot of canned goods on the shelf and other dry food. I walked down the stairs and stood on the wooden landing. The ceiling in the cellar is really low for my father, who's six foot two. It's only six feet, so he always complains when he has to go down.

The next light to turn on was over by the washing machine and dryer. I hated this part. I had to walk in the dark all the way over to the laundry area and reach for a string to turn on the light. Why couldn't they just put a switch at the landing of the stairs?

As I was walking towards the string, which I couldn't see but had an idea where it was, I heard it. Moaning. My arms were out in front of me, trying to feel the string and I heard moaning. It wasn't very loud but I couldn't stop moving. I found the string and pulled it hard and the light came on. No moaning. I turned around and looked behind me and saw where I had gone.

My father has a wooden bench and seat where he skins the rabbits and deer when he and Danny go hunting. It's really gross. The wood is stained with all the blood from the animals they prepare. A wooden bracket holds a row of knives behind the wooden table. My father is really good at building things. He can build anything he sees and is really proud of this bench. I hate it.

He made me come down here when I was seven years old to watch him and Danny prepare the rabbits. I'll never forget it. It was the sound that hurt me the most. There were about six rabbits lying on the table. I felt so sorry for them. Were they young? Were they being missed in the forest by their moms and dads? Were they moms and dads and did their kids wonder why they didn't come home that night?

My father cut off their heads first and I screamed. Danny came over to me and said maybe I should go upstairs but my father said no. I should watch and learn. He took out one of the long knives from the wooden bracket he built and sliced open the back of the rabbit. Lifting it up he grabbed the neck, where the rabbit's head had once been, and pulled down. The sound of ripping fur from the skin was horrible. I started to cry but he wouldn't let me go upstairs. Danny was really upset and he whispered for me to close my eyes. But I couldn't. He ripped the skin off. That rabbit was someone's mother. Someone's father. Someone's baby.

Putting down the long knife, he picked up a cleaver and cut the back legs off the rabbit. I was crying so hard looking at the bloody rabbit. He walked over to me and handed me the leg. Here You Go Teddy. It's Good Luck.

I ran upstairs leaving the bloody leg lying on the cellar floor. There's still a spot on the floor today.

Now I stared at the bench but knew I had to go into the furnace room. There's a shelf above the stationary tub where my mom soaks clothes that are stained before she puts them into the washing machine. On that shelf is a large aluminum watering can. I got it down and filled it up to the top with water. Now I had to water the furnace.

The next light was inside the furnace room, which was next to the laundry area. It was totally dark in there so I had to put my arm out again and walk toward the string which dangled in front of the furnace. It was a big furnace, with about six metal arms growing out from the center of it. I could hear the fire burning inside as I walked around it. I found the string and pulled the light on. All I had to do next was open the cover to the pan that lay over the fire, and fill it up with water. Behind me was a third room in the cellar we called the dirt room. My mom told me that since the house was so old everyone at that time would build a room in their cellar and fill it with dirt so it could absorb the humidity in the summer. I don't understand that at all. To me it was an awful room. It was just filled with dirt. It looked like an indoor graveyard.

As I poured the water into the pan I heard it again. But this time the moaning said my name. It was a scary sound and seemed to be coming from all the metal arms around me, especially behind me, from the dirt room. It called my name. Teddy, Teddy, Teddy.

I grabbed the string over the furnace and pulled the light off and ran. I ran past the laundry area and threw the watering can by the washing machine and pulled that light off. I ran past the hunting bench and headed for the stairs. As I ran up the stairs I saw that the door was closed and that's when the lights went out. I stood there frozen. I was standing in the dark on my cellar stairs and the moan now started to laugh. I could see the light coming out from underneath the cellar door. Why did it close? Why did the light go out? I screamed. I screamed, HELP! The laugh was coming from behind me. It was right behind me. And then the cellar door opened.

My father was standing at the top of the stairs laughing. The light from the kitchen spilled down the stairs where I stood halfway up. He was laughing at me. I ran up the stairs and past him. He looked at me and whispered, Teddy, Teddy and laughed.

My mother was sleeping on the couch when I ran into the living room and headed up the stairs to my bedroom. I could still hear my father laughing in the kitchen when I got into my room.

## 15

# Wednesday, Dec. 2, 1964

My mom visits Danny in the hospital every day when I'm in school. She says he's doing okay. I asked her if his headaches have stopped. She said no because he was now getting better after the operation and when they have to open up your head, it's painful afterwards. I can understand that. She said he's on medicine that makes him sleep most of the time. I can't wait to see him.

This Friday is the Saint Francis church bazar. I am so excited. It's really neat. The gymnasium at school is filled with different booths and games. My favorite is the _Big Six Wheel of Fortune_. It's a giant wooden circle, about six feet tall, that has faces of dice painted on white index cards. A long metal nail sticks out of the top of each card. The wheel is behind a counter where you put a penny or nickel down on one of the matching cards that are on the wheel. A flat wooden stick is at the top of the wheel and one of the priests or church ushers spins it. I love the sound it makes. Like when you put a playing card inside the spokes of your bike, except the _Big Six Wheel Of Fortune_ is much louder. If it falls on the number you picked you win a prize. It is so cool. Last year I won a goldfish. I can't wait to play it again this Friday.

The other booths have lots of different prizes to win. There's a coin toss, which is kind of hard because they have small plates on top of round glass vases and you have to toss your penny and make it stay on the plate. It's really hard.

Most of the other booths have small wheels of chance that the nuns spin. It's so funny to watch Sister Agnes. She's kinda old but always has her booth where all the prizes are records. Last year she spun the wheel and the veil from her habit got caught and almost pulled her headpiece off. I have never seen a nun's hair. Our Sisters are from the Josephite order and they wear a headpiece that is black and white. The top is black fabric and flat and has a white pyramid in the middle of it. They have so many layers of black veils on. It looks heavy to wear. Around their necks is a stiff white bib and they have a braided black belt around their waists. Hanging from the belt is a giant rosary. I swear it's at least three feet long. It's really neat.

I think all the nuns smell nice. Every time they walk by my desk I swear I smell baby powder. It's weird because the habits they wear are so long and layered they almost look like they are floating around the room. You can't see their feet sometimes, which are always black shoes that go up past their ankles with a lot of laces.

I like our nuns at Saint Francis. I especially like my teacher Sister Ann. She is so nice. I'm really happy she gave me my journal. She asked me if I was writing in it and when I said yes, she got the biggest grin.

Anyway I'm really excited to go to the bazaar this Friday night. Joey and a couple of my classmates are going to meet up around 6 o'clock. My mom is going to take me and she's bringing a coconut layer cake she's baking that's going to be raffled off. It should be cool.

_I 'm alone in my house. I'm alone and sitting in the kitchen in my house. It's dark outside. No one is home except me. I'm sitting at the kitchen table. A jigsaw puzzle is on the kitchen table. I'm trying to put the pieces together starting with the flat sides first. Nothing is fitting together. The pieces don't fit. I'm getting frustrated. The cellar door opens up. The cellar door opens up and the light turns on. I'm scared. I'm standing at the bottom of the stairs in the cellar. I'm alone in my house and it's dark and I'm standing at the bottom of the stairs. The light over the washing machine turns on and a little girl is standing next to the stationary tub. She looks familiar. When I look at her I notice she doesn't have any eyes. There are holes where there should be eyes. She reaches up to the string and turns off the light. I'm standing next to the stationary tub in the dark. I'm very afraid. I try to grab the string to the light in the dark. I can't find it. I'm standing in the dirt room. I'm buried up to my waist in the dirt room and I can see something walking towards me from the furnace room. My legs don't move. I try to scream but nothing comes out of my mouth. Something is walking towards me. I'm stuck in the dirt room. I'm buried up to my neck in the dirt room. I can feel dirt being thrown in my face. Help me. The dirt is in my mouth. If I open my mouth to scream the dirt will fill my mouth up. HELP ME!_

## 16

# Thursday, Dec. 3, 1964

Nothing much happened in school today. Kind of boring. When I got home my mom was finishing up with her bridge club. She. likes to play bridge with three of her best friends and they go to each other's houses each week and play. This week they were at our house. I really like her bridge friends. Mrs. Campbell is married to Doug Campbell who has the biggest funeral home in Erie. There are two of them. Miss Schultz works at the Hammermill paper factory on the lake and is really a nice person. She lives down the block from us with her mother. She's one of my mom's oldest friends. Miss Humphrey is the head librarian at the Erie Public Library and always lets me know when the latest records are ready to be lent out. Then there's my favorite, Miss Baginsky. She's the physical education teacher at Our Lady of the Lake High School for Girls. She is so funny. I have the best time with her. She's always telling me jokes and what's happening on Broadway in New York City. She goes to New York City every Thanksgiving with a group of theater people from Erie and they see all the shows. I can't wait to hear what she has to say when she goes next year. I think acting is cool.

When I got home from school they were still playing their last hand of cards. Everybody said hi to me and I went into the kitchen to eat some sheet cake my mother always makes when they come over. She makes the best chocolate sheet cake. It's this giant brownie she makes on a cookie tray. It's the best.

I was eating when my mom yelled to me from the living room to get everyone some more nigger toes. I hate it when she says that word. My best friend Joey's mother says that using the word nigger is awful. His mother is really neat. She is part of a Catholic peace group who are fighting against the United States getting involved in Vietnam. I don't know much about it but Joey's mother is always sending out letters and calling up the White House to protest. That is so neat! I've told my mom that Joey's mom says never to use the word nigger because it's very impolite. My mom just looks at me and says, To Each His Own. Whatever that means.

Everybody else says Brazil nuts but my mom always calls them nigger toes. I filled up their bowls with the Brazil nuts and went back into the kitchen.

The phone rang and it was my friend David. He's a really funny guy in my class who sits across from Thomas O'Brien. He wanted to know if I'm going to the bazaar tomorrow night. I told him to meet Joey and me around 6.

When the bridge club was over and everyone left I went into the living room and emptied out all the ashtrays and helped my mom clean up. That's when she told me Danny would be home on Monday. MONDAY!!! Danny will be home on Monday! WOW!

After we cleaned up and took the card table down and put it away, my mom started to get all the ingredients ready for the coconut layer cake she was going to make after dinner for the bazaar. What a great day today was!

## 17

# Friday, Dec. 4, 1964

Last night I got really scared. It was about 3 o'clock in the morning and I had to go to the bathroom. It's kind of weird the way our bedrooms are arranged upstairs. When you go upstairs there's a room right in front of you on the landing that we call the cold bedroom. To the right is my parents bedroom and in their room are three steps that lead up to another landing where Danny's and my bedroom is. The way my mom explains it is when she was a little girl, her bedroom was the cold bedroom and the room that's now their room was a sitting room. Her parents slept in the sick room and my grandmother kept a sewing room, which is where my room is now. My mom has always lived in this house and when she got married, she and my father lived here because they couldn't afford a place of their own. My grandmother slept downstairs in the sick room but my parents made their bedroom in the sitting room, which meant you had to go through their room to get into our bedroom. I guess it's a little confusing but that's the way they planned it. Oh, the cold bedroom is where we keep all of our stuff, like winter and summer clothes, Christmas decorations, toys and books. Since we don't have an attic, my father turns off the heating vents in the room and uses it to store our things.

Anyway, I try not to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night because it's weird to walk into my parents bedroom and pass them sleeping in bed. Sometimes they're doing stuff. I have to use a flashlight and my father always wakes up and yells at me. Well I really had to go last night. I got my flashlight and opened my door and walked through my parents room. My father kept snoring really loud so I knew I didn't wake him up. I headed downstairs and when I passed the sick room I heard the thump noise again. I totally froze and just stood there. I should have just kept walking and gone to the bathroom but I didn't. I stood in front of the doorway and this is when the weirdest thing happened. I pointed my flashlight inside the room but the light didn't go in. The light from my flashlight just hit a wall of black. I couldn't see anything inside the bedroom. I took the flashlight and pointed it all around the dining room and into the kitchen and I could see everything but when I pointed it back to the sick room the light didn't go through. It was like someone painted a wall of black in front of me. Then I heard the thump again. I took the flashlight and slowly pushed it into the black. The first thing I noticed was how freezing cold my hand got. And then something grabbed it and pulled me in. I started to scream because I saw something holding on to my hand. There was a face and body but it was kind of mushed together. I don't know I closed my eyes really fast because I was so scared. The next thing that happened was my father came flying down the stairs and was standing over me in the sick room. He had turned the lights on and was screaming at me. I noticed I wet my pajamas and when he saw that he called me a Goddamn Cow. He grabbed me by my shoulders and pulled me up off the floor. He yelled, You Stupid Piece Of Shit, and threw me back down on the sick room floor. He turned the lights off and left me lying there and went back upstairs.

When I went back into my room, my mother was still asleep. I guess she didn't hear anything. I got back into bed with my wet pajamas. I was too afraid to change and make him madder.

I never got to go to the church bazaar or roller skating with Mary Beth. My father said I needed to be punished for the shit I did in the night. My mother took the coconut cake to the church after school. She never once asked me why I didn't go. I really miss Danny.

## 18

# Saturday, Dec. 5, 1964

I wasn't allowed to go anywhere so I had to stay at home. My mom went to the hospital and my father went to The Talamh Club, which is Gaelic for The Land. My father is Polish but my mom is Irish and her side of the family have been members forever. There are a lot of Polish members at the club too. He goes there every weekend and comes home around 6 o'clock. He always comes home drunk. He drinks a lot. Sometimes I have to go with him when my mom wants him to come home before 6. It never works because he just does what he wants to anyway. I hate it when she makes me go with him. Danny is always out practicing some sport with friends so I have to go.

It's a nice club. It's got a restaurant, bar, bowling alley and upstairs is a giant room with a stage where parties and wedding receptions are held. My father stays in the bar with his other friends, who I really like. They're really nice and always kid around with me. A shillelagh hangs over the giant mirror behind the bar. It looks like a wooden stick. And the TV is always on with sport shows playing. Eight really big round wooden tables and chairs are in the bar. I get really bored when I'm there because I hate to watch sports on TV. If my father isn't sitting at the bar drinking, he is playing gin at the tables with his friends. Bowling is open on Sundays for the families and the rest of the time leagues play there during the week. Anyway, I'm the only kid ever there when I have to go with my father. Women aren't allowed in the bar unless a man comes in with them. That's dumb. What do they think a woman is going to do?

Today my father went to the club and told me to stay home. Great!

We have a cool backyard. Two giant evergreen trees are in the middle of it. In the front yard, in front of the evergreens during the summer, is a patio table and umbrella. The backyard, behind the evergreens are all kinds of flowering bushes and trees. During the summer rose bushes climb up the fence on both sides of the yard. It's wall to wall red. Everyone asks my mother what her secret is to growing so many beautiful roses. She just says, Family Secret and laughs. One of my favorite trees is the bumblebee tree. Its got big flowery balls on the end of its branches. Like the size of a pineapple. That tree has so many bees! Joey and I like to get empty mayonnaise jars and punch holes in the top with a hammer and nail and catch bees in them. Boy do they sound mad when you put your ear up to the holes and listen. I guess I'd be mad too if I was stuck in a jar.

We've got about four inches of snow on the ground and all the walkways have been shoveled. I have to do that when it snows and it snows almost every day. In the backyard, where the flowering trees are is a gate that leads out to the alley, which runs behind all the houses on our block. I always cut through the alley when I have to get gas for the lawn mower in the summer. There are some great trees to climb too. You just don't want a neighbor to see because they get all mad and tell you to go home. But in the summer, the leaves really hide you once you get up inside the tree. I love to climb trees. It's so cool to lean up against a big branch and look out between the leaves and see the tops of houses. Or if you go higher you just see the sky out in front of you. Like you're on a raft floating through the sky. I love that.

Mom got home around 3 o'clock and said Danny was doing okay and I should expect some changes when he comes home on Monday. She said we have to be careful with him because he is still getting better and not to expect him to act like he did before the operation. I don't care how he acts! I just want to see him.

My father came home drunk and argued with my mom about not having dinner ready when he got home. We sat at the kitchen table and he kept on yelling at her. I remembered what Danny said to me and I just sat there and didn't say anything. Don't piss him off. He said really nasty things to my mom and then he looked over at me. He asked me why I didn't have any friends. I told him I did have friends. He yelled, Two! He said Danny has around a dozen good friends and all I have is two. I said maybe when I'm Danny's age I'll have more. I knew I should never have said that. He slapped me in the face and called me a smart ass. I just sat there. I didn't cry. I didn't look at him. I just sat there and didn't do anything. He picked up his fork and went back to eating. I waited a couple of seconds more then finished my meal.

I stayed in my room for the rest of the night and listened to the transistor radio with the earplug.

_I t is summertime and I'm in the backyard. The sky is really, really blue. Almost too blue. I'm in the backyard. I'm standing in front of the bumblebee tree. There are thousands of bees in the tree. My father comes out of the house and runs towards me. He pushes me to the ground and laughs. My mother is hanging clothes on the clothes line. Her underwear and my father's underwear is hanging from the wooden clothes pins. Her bras are red. I've never seen red bras before. His white boxer shorts have poop stains in the back. My father tells me that I'm stupid. My mother says that I'm nothing like my brother. I'm lying underneath the bumblebee tree. I'm flat on my back looking up the trunk of the bumblebee tree. The buzzing noise of the bees is so angry and loud. I know if I don't move they won't sting me. I know if I just keep still they will fly around me. I can see their black and yellow furry coats. I can see the sticky yellow pollen stuck to their furry coats. I know if I make a sudden move they will sting me. I know if I just blend in they will not sting me. I don't want to be stung. I'm lying on my back underneath the bumblebee tree. My hair is growing grass and dandelions. I no longer have hair. My head is covered in grass. I am blending in so the bees don't sting me. I am not moving. My fingers begin to stretch and turn into wooden roots. My fingers begin to dig underground and look like the roots of the bumblebee tree. The bees are everywhere around me. I can see their stingers. They will sting me if I move in a way they don't like. I'm scared of them. My face is becoming dirt so I can blend in and the bees will not sting me. My face begins to crumble like dirt. My body sinks slowly under the ground. My eyes are all that's left of me. I am lying on my back underneath the bumblebee tree. I will not move to make them mad. I will not speak to make them mad. I will let the bees fly past me with their stingers and angry buzzing. I will let them see me. I will let them know I am here. I will let them know I won't move to make them angry. I will remain still. I will only watch. I will not speak. I will learn the lesson they are teaching me. I will learn not to make them angry. I will learn the lesson of the bees. But one day I will stand up and not be afraid. One day I will not follow the lesson of the bees._

## 19

# Sunday, Dec. 6, 1964

I always serve as an altar boy for the 9 o'clock Mass on Sunday. My father had a hangover and was really crabby. I listened hard to the sermon by Father Kowalski today. It was about getting ready to let go of all the bad things that happened during this year and welcome the spirit of Christ during Christmas and the New Year. He said we should think about all of the bad things that happened during the year. He said that human beings don't listen to the word of God and we choose to take the easy road and not the true path to everlasting happiness with Jesus Christ. Part of me doesn't understand how it's Danny's fault for getting sick and having to have an operation. Is that how God works? Danny is a really good guy and a really good athlete and student. What did he do wrong in order to get a brain tumor? Father Kowalski says that the heavenly father watches over us and judges us on what we do and say. He says that if there is any hardship in our lives, we are at fault. What did Danny do that made God so angry? It really scares me because I don't want to do anything that would make God so angry to give me a brain tumor.

I think I'm a good Catholic boy and I try to follow all that I'm supposed to do. But I always thought that Danny was better than me. I always thought that Danny was smarter than me and knew how to be a good Catholic boy. I'm so confused.

After church we always go to the bakery and get donuts. We always come home with donuts and sit at the kitchen table and eat. My favorite are glazed donuts. I could eat six of them if I was allowed to. After breakfast I like to read the comics from the Sunday paper. I like Dondi, Brenda Starr, Nancy, Winnie Winkle, The Phantom, and Peanuts. My father reads the rest of the paper and my mother cleans up the kitchen.

When my mom was done I went into the sick room and helped her change the sheets for Danny. Clean sheets and pillow cases. I still feel so weird about the sick room and what happened to me. I can't tell anyone what happened because they won't believe me. They'll say I was dreaming but I know something is in that room and it's not a good thing. I don't want Danny to have to stay down there alone. I know he doesn't like to stay in there. I'm going to have to watch out for Danny when he's in the sick room. It's time for me to watch over him like the way he always watches over me.

My father watched football games all afternoon in front of the TV and he ate pickled pigs feet right out of the jar. I think that is so disgusting. I hate hearing him crack the joints in his mouth. I really don't like my father. I know that's a bad thing to say but he really doesn't like me and I don't like him. I can't wait for Danny to come home tomorrow. It will be great.

## 20

# Monday, Dec. 7, 1964

He's home! Danny is home! I was so excited when I was in school today that I could hardly pay attention to any of my subjects. I ran out of school at 3 o'clock and raced home. When I got here I ran through the kitchen, dining room and into the living room where Danny was sitting up on the couch with his feet on top of the coffee table watching TV. I looked at him and he looked at me. His head is wrapped up like the Mummy. He smiled at me and said Hi. I wanted to give him a hug but my mom yelled for me to take it easy and slow down. I stopped and sat next to him on the couch. We just looked at each other. I was so happy to see him. I have so many questions to ask him. The first thing I did notice was that his mouth is a little crooked. The left side kind of droops down. And his eyes weren't all the way open. Like he was half asleep. But it doesn't matter. He's home. He just stared at me and smiled. A crooked smile. I asked him if it hurt. He didn't say anything. He just closed his eyes and fell asleep. My mom went into the kitchen and started to make dinner. I sat with him for awhile as he slept then went into the kitchen.

I asked my mom if he was okay. She said he was taking a lot of pills so he wouldn't feel the pain in his head. I asked her how long would he have to take the pills and she yelled at me. She said her perfect son wasn't perfect anymore. I saw some empty beer bottles on the sink. I knew not to say anything more to her.

We ate dinner when my father got home. Danny stayed in the living room and slept. After dinner I cleaned up the kitchen table and dishes. My father carried Danny into the sick room. When I was done I went in and he was awake. I said Hi and he said Hey. His eyes were more open and he asked me why he was in the sick room. I told him cause he would be closer to the bathroom. He just looked at me and said Okay. We didn't say anything else. I just sat there and he just kind of stared. This is really weird. I hope he gets better soon.

## 21

# Tuesday, Dec. 8, 1964

Today is a Holy Day Of Obligation. It is the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. No school! Before I ate my breakfast I went into the sick room to see Danny. He was awake and wanted to show me something. He asked me if I knew how to tell if I had bad breath. I said no, so he cupped his hands in front of his face and over his nose and blew into them. That is so cool! I tried it and it works! He said that he could hear me fart all night. I told him he was crazy but our bedroom is right above the sick room and he said I farted all night and stunk up the sick room. He was laughing and with his crooked mouth he looked kind of weird. It was pretty funny though. I never thought of it before but the dirt room in the cellar is right below the sick room.

I told him he was going to miss Mass today for the Feast but he didn't seem to care much. Next to my mom, I'm the most religious person. I'm very proud to be a Catholic and an altar boy.

I went to 9 o'clock Mass and afterward Aunt Dolly came over to see Danny. He gets tired really fast so she kissed him on the cheek and let him take a nap. When my mom was making bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches for us, she burnt the bacon a little and the kitchen got a little smoky. Danny started screaming and going nuts. He thought the house was burning down and he was trapped in bed and couldn't get out. My mom tried to tell him everything was okay but he didn't listen. He just kept yelling and said that he couldn't get out. He kept yelling that he wanted to get out but he couldn't move his legs. My mom stayed with him in the sick room and Aunt Dolly and I ate our sandwiches in the kitchen.

My friend Joey called and asked if I could come over to his house. My mom said it was okay because Danny was going to be sleeping for the rest of the afternoon.

I walked over to Joey's and we went down to the lake. It's pretty frozen and we like to play a game where we see how far we can walk out until it cracks. I know it sounds kind of dumb but it's a blast. One time I went out the farthest and the ice cracked and I went in up to my waist. It was freezing! I pulled myself up and out but my pants froze when I walked back home. I swear! My pants were frozen solid. Joey couldn't stop laughing at me.

Today there were ice fishermen out on the lake so we didn't mess around by the shore for long. We just goofed around. Joey's mom asked if I wanted to stay for dinner but I told her I wanted to be home with Danny. She made some cookies for him. I got back home around 5 o'clock and came in from the kitchen door. I called for my mom but she didn't answer. I took my boots, coat and hat off and went to the sick room. The door was closed so I opened it and Danny was sleeping. That's when I heard mumbling. I just stood there and listened. Someone was talking. I left the sick room and went into the kitchen. The cellar door was open and the voice was coming from down there. I walked down the stairs and saw my mom at the washing machine again with the red votive candles and the prayer book, except this time she was standing there in her bra and underwear. She was talking in Latin. I was embarrassed seeing her in her underwear but I walked towards her. She had something on covering her eyes. Like a blindfold. She was standing in front of the washing machine in her underwear with her eyes covered and praying in Latin with the red votive candles lit beside the wooden crucifix. But this time she had a picture of Danny sitting next to the crucifix. I stood right by her but didn't say anything. I was afraid. I wasn't going to say anything. What would I say? I started to back away when I noticed something flickering. Beyond the furnace room and into the dirt room I saw another red votive candle. What is going on? What is my mother doing? Why is she acting like this? I ran up the stairs as quietly as I could. When I got up into the kitchen I heard a car door slam and figured it must be my father coming home. I ran upstairs and went into my room. It was him. I heard him come in. I just sat on my bed and listened. I heard him open the refrigerator and pop a beer bottle. A couple of minutes later I heard my mother's voice. At 6:30 she called me to come down for dinner. I'm scared.

## 22

# Wednesday, Dec. 9, 1964

This is so cool. After school today my mom took me to the shoe store and let me get a pair of Beatle Boots! Can you believe it. Beatle Boots!!! They are black and zip up the sides just like the ones the Beatles wear. I can't believe it. I was coming out of school and my mom picked me up in her car. She said that it was time I got new shoes. She laughs when I get shoes because I have big feet for my age and she says she pays the same amount of money for a pair of shoes that someone else buys for half the size. My father says I should just wear the shoe box. I don't get it.

I took my new shoes and showed Danny but he looked at them and said he didn't know who the Beatles were. How could he not know who the Beatles are? My mom says the pills he's taking make him forget things. I don't think it's just the pills. Danny is different. I wish I could help him.

My friend Mary Beth and I are going to go roller skating on Saturday. I can't wait. I love going to the roller rink and I love to skate. One of our mothers usually drives us there. Everything about skating is so cool. The rink is packed with kids, teenagers and adults. We exchange our shoes for a pair of skates that have big fat wooden wheels and we put them on in a room that has a thick rubber floor. I even like the way the room smells. I know! I'm weird!

What I love the most is the music. Buddy Bukowsky plays the organ. He's very famous because he plays the organ at the Holiday Inn on the weekends and he's made two records. One is called _Bubbly Buddy Plays All Your Hits On His Wurlitzer_. My father has it and plays it all the time. It's mostly polkas and some modern songs. My father calls Buddy a fruity polack but I think he's cool. He sits at the giant organ that's inside the roller rink and always wears a jacket that has glitter beads on it. It is so amazing to watch him play.

Hanging from the ceiling in the center of the roller rink is the biggest mirror ball you've ever seen. I mean it's huge! When it's a couples dance or fast polka, it lowers down and a spot light hits it and the entire roller rink looks like thousands of stars are flying everywhere, on the ceiling, the walls, the floor and on our faces.

Mary Beth and I always do the same thing once we get our skates on. We stand at one of the entrances onto the roller rink and hold hands. We always stand at the opening and stare at the crowd of people skating past us. Everyone is skating in one direction and we can feel the breeze on our faces as all the skaters pass us by. Buddy is playing on the organ and you can feel the energy in the rink. The wooden wheels rolling on the wooden floor are so loud. We look at each other and grab each other's hands tight and step onto the rink. We push off and join all the skaters. Suddenly we blend in with everybody and all of our legs are moving in the same direction and pushing left, right, left, right. We are skating with each other and we are skating with everybody else.

Some of the older skaters have special outfits. Lady skaters have special skating skirts and don't rent their skates. They own their own skates and they match their outfits. Men have black pants and black skates. Mary Beth and I have tan skates. Everybody who rents skates has tan skates. But we all are skating at the same time together, listening to the same music, lifting each leg up and down as we circle the rink. It's the greatest feeling in the world. Everything has an order at the roller rink. The man on the loudspeaker announces what's happening on the floor. Couples only. Girls only. Boys only. Ask your neighbor. The Hokey Pokey. Adult couples waltz.

Mary Beth and I leave the rink as the adult couples take to the floor to waltz. We stand and watch as the mirror ball comes down and thousands of stars fly everywhere. Buddy begins to play "The Blue Danube" and you can hardly see his face because his beaded coat is reflecting the lights from the mirror ball. The best skaters take to the floor. They can skate backwards and dip. We watch as the ruffles on the lady skaters move in the breeze. They really know how to skate. They have such confidence out on the rink. Buddy is playing the organ with his hands and feet. Everyone looks like they are floating on the roller rink. I love it when I go skating. I love the roller rink. I can't wait for Saturday.

## 23

# Thursday, Dec. 10, 1964

I'm really mad at Greg Kubiak. He's always making fun of me and I just don't know what to say or do. He and I are altar boys and we had to serve at a funeral this morning. Before a funeral the altar boys have to prepare for the service. First you have to bring up from the church basement six giant candle holders. They're black and silver and about four feet tall with big claw feet. They are placed next to the casket, three on each side, in front of the communion rail. The funeral directors wheel the casket into the church and place it in between the giant candle holders. Big thick orange candles about seven inches around and three feet tall are placed in the candle holders. Greg and I brought the candle holders and candles up from the basement. Next we have to get the casket cover which is made of purple and black velvet. At least I think it's velvet. That's draped over the communion rail and the funeral directors put it over the casket when they put it in position. We then make sure there are hymnals in the first ten pews on both sides and we fill the thurible with incense so the priest can swing the smoke over the casket during mass.

I've done a lot of funerals at Saint Francis but this one was so different. The name of the person who had died was Mary Ann Doherty. It was nine o'clock and Father Donovan, Greg and I stood at the front doors of the church as the funeral directors carried up the casket to the roller thing they put it on top of. That's when I noticed it. There weren't any people in church or following the casket. No one was in church.

As the casket was pushed into the church and under the balcony, the choir started to sing the funeral songs. Father Donovan started swinging the incense in the direction of the casket as the funeral directors pushed it up the center aisle. Usually there are pall bearers, who are members of the family, that push the casket. Not this time.

I don't know what happened to me. Once the casket was placed and we began the mass, I kept thinking of the lady in the casket. She was dead and all alone. Nobody came to her funeral. How old was she? Did she not have any kids, cousins or best friend? How could you have a funeral and not have anyone come to it? How lonely she must have been when she died. How did she die? At home by herself? In a hospital? Where was everyone? Why didn't anyone come to her funeral?

I just couldn't stop thinking about it.

The last thing that happens at the end of the funeral is the priest gives his final prayer over the casket as the choir sings "May The Angels Lead You Into Paradise." I love that song. It is so sad and beautiful. Father Donovan was praying and the choir was singing and I just started to cry. I couldn't help it. This lady had died and I didn't know who she was or how old she was but she died and no one came to say goodbye. No friends or neighbors. She was once a kid like me. She went to school like me and probably played in the same schoolyard I did. She was probably from the same Parish. She had birthdays and Christmases and went to the beach. Why didn't anyone come and say goodbye to her? She died and no one said goodbye.

The funeral directors lifted her casket, walked it out of the church, down the stairs and into the hearse. The doors closed and they drove off. That's when Greg started to laugh at me. Father Donovan slapped him on the back of the head.

When Greg and I were putting back the candle holders and candles he kept saying I was a freak and he couldn't wait to tell everyone that I cried at a funeral over someone I didn't even know. I asked him if he didn't feel sad that no one was even there for her. He looked at me and said he didn't even notice. When we took our cassocks and surplices off and headed back to school, he called me a queer. Those are the times I want to say something. To tell him he's the queer and then hit him. But I don't say anything. I don't know what to say. I know everyone during lunch period is going to know what I did. There's nothing I can do.

## 24

# Friday, Dec. 11, 1964

When I got home from school today, Mr. Winters was at our house. Mr. Winters is Danny's art teacher in high school. Danny was in the middle of making a ring for a class project but never got to finish it because of getting sick. So Mr. Winters came over to our house and gave Danny his new ring. He said the other students helped to finish it for him. It's a really cool ring. The stone is called a cat's eye and it's green. The ring is made out of silver and the cat's eye is round. Danny had the ring on his finger and Mr. Winters was sitting in the chair next to the bed. When I go to high school I'll probably have Mr. Winters too.

On Friday nights after work my father sometimes brings fried fish sandwiches from the club. I don't like fish that much but I really like tartar sauce. I could see the grease stains on the paper bag he was carrying into the kitchen. He got a big order of french fries too. Those are the best. When I have to sit in the bar with my father I always get an order of french fries. The crispier the better.

We had our dinner at the kitchen table and Danny was asleep in the sick room. My mom told my father that she got a telephone call from Uncle Paul today and he is going to come up for a visit. My father asked why the hell would he come all the way from Rome just to visit us? My mom said because we need a miracle. She said that Uncle Paul is going to bring a relic from the Vatican so Danny will recover. I thought Danny was recovering? My father called it bullshit but my mom said he's coming next week and we have to prepare. I asked my mom what the relic was and I could not believe what she said. She said that Uncle Paul was bringing a piece of wood from the cross Christ died on. I just sat there. How is this possible? Something like that really exists? I can't believe it. My mom says that we aren't supposed to say anything to anybody until Uncle Paul gets here next week. He is coming on Tuesday. Tuesday! That's in four days! A piece of wood from the cross Christ died on is coming to our house all the way from the Vatican. I don't know what to do. My mom said that it can perform miracles. My father didn't say anything for a while. He just sat at the kitchen table and listened to my mom. This is the most amazing thing that has ever happened. Something that sacred, that holy is going to be in our house. I'm going to see a piece of the cross. My mom said that she'll need me to help her this weekend to make sure the house is really clean. We're going to get our Christmas tree tomorrow and decorate the house. I don't know what to say right now.

_I 'm sitting on the toilet in our bathroom and I'm looking at my first Holy Communion missal. I am looking at the picture of the priest behind the altar during the Offertory part of the Mass. I am an altar boy. I am serving the priest the water and wine before the consecration of the Host. I look up from the toilet and see my father hanging on the hook on the back of the bathroom door in his robe. His robe is open and I can see him naked. I'm embarrassed. I am embarrassed because I am sitting on the toilet and I'm looking at my naked father. He looks at me and smiles. I don't know what to do. How will I wipe myself and get off the toilet? I can't stop staring at my father's naked body. This is bad to do. My father is laughing. I should not be looking at my father's naked body. I am holding a lit red votive candle between my legs as I sit on the toilet. Saint Sebastian is lying in the bathtub with all the arrows stuck into him. My father is still laughing at me hanging from the hook on the back of the bathroom door. Saint Sebastian is in my bathtub bleeding with all the arrows stuck into his body. How will I ever wipe myself?. Sister Agnes is standing by the bathtub telling me that Saint Sebastian was tied to a tree and shot with arrows and left to die as a sainted martyr for the Catholic faith. She tells me that Irene of Rome saw his body full of arrows and took him to her home where she nursed him back to health. My father is now standing with his robe open behind the bathroom door. Sister Agnes asks me if I'm a true son of Jesus Christ. The wax from the votive candle between my legs spills and burns my thighs._

## 25

# Saturday, Dec. 12, 1964

Today was one of the busiest days of my entire life. I didn't go roller skating with Mary Beth because I had to help my mom get the house ready for Uncle Paul and Christmas. To be honest, I don't think I could have gone roller skating and not told Mary Beth about the piece of the cross. It's all that I can think about.

When I got up this morning my father and I went to the parking lot over at Miller's department store where they sell Christmas trees. My father only buys blue spruces and says that they're the only Christmas trees anyone should have. He says the rest are crap. We got the tree home and he put it in the tree stand and put water in the metal bowl that screws into the tree trunk. Once it was up he said he was going to the club and would be home around five. I was so happy I didn't have to go with him. My mom needed me to get all the decorations ready.

I went up to the cold bedroom and got all of our ornaments and took them down into the living room. My mom put Danny on the couch so he could watch us decorate the tree and the rest of the house. In the beginning he was really excited to see all the decorations come down but he got a little tired in about an hour and fell asleep on the couch.

We've got really cool ornaments to hang on the tree. Some are really old and from Ireland. My mom loves to decorate the tree. My father has some ornaments that are from Poland and they're really cool too. One of them is a snowman and two Santa Clauses that are made from plaster and felt. Their legs and arms move. It's neat. My mom puts on the lights first and clips them to the branches of the tree. The lights are different colored bulbs that have a metal starburst attached to them at the base. When you light them up they reflect off of the metal and look really nice. Then we hang the ornaments on the tree branches. The last thing we do is lay silver tinsel on all the branches. You have to be careful not to clump the tinsel otherwise it looks stupid. When the whole tree is done it really looks beautiful. That's when I put the Christmas tree skirt on which covers the metal water bowl at the base. When that's on I arrange the nativity scene on top of the skirt. We've got the manger, the baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, three wise men, two shepherds, two angels, an ox, a cow, and three lambs. I always put a yellow light above the baby Jesus to look like the star of Bethlehem.

When everything was all done my mom woke up Danny and we turned on the tree lights for him. We all sat on the couch and looked at the tree. It was really cool. Danny loved it.

My father came home from the club around eight o'clock. He was drunk but he liked the way the tree looked. My mom and I are going to finish the rest of the decorations for the house tomorrow. I really like what we did today.

## 26

# Sunday, Dec. 13, 1964

My mom and I went to Mass today and my father stayed home with Danny. I think my father would never go to church if he didn't have to. He could have gone to ten o'clock Mass today when mom and I got home but he said he didn't think Jesus was going to punish him or Danny for not going. He says he's a Catholic but the way he acts he'll probably go to Hell. I don't care.

After breakfast my mom and I went out to the backyard. Every year we cut about six bottom branches off the evergreens. We bring them into the house and tie them with green gift wrapping ribbon onto the stair railing going upstairs. Once the branches are tied on we attach fake poinsettias, baby's breath and some ornaments onto the branches. My grandmother, my mom's mother, said they used to do this in Ireland during Christmas. I think it looks really nice. Once we finished that we put the snowman and Santa that light up inside on the side tables that are next to the couch.

My father sat in front of the TV, watched sports and drank beer as my mom and I decorated the house. Danny slept on the couch. Our house is now ready for Christmas and Uncle Paul. He's going to come on Tuesday. I still can't believe what's happening. I talked to my mom when we were walking to Mass about Danny. I told her I thought he was supposed to be getting better so why did he need a miracle? She just looked ahead as we walked and said that her perfect boy needed some help. I hate it when she talks like that. It sounds creepy. I asked her if the operation and the medicine was helping. She said no and Jesus is the only one who can cure Danny. I'm scared for Danny. I'm scared about Tuesday. What's going to happen? Will we be part of a miracle that will be written about like Maria Goretti and our Lady of Fatima? Will Danny be cured because the piece of the Cross that Christ died on puts his brain back together? Will I be written about? Will our house become a place where people visit, like Lourdes in France? A miracle in our house in Erie Pennsylvania. I don't think there are any Catholic miracles in the United States. We'd be the first. So much is happening. If a miracle occurs all of our lives will be changed. Danny will be well again. My father will have to go to Mass every Sunday. Maybe the miracle will change him too. What is going to happen on Tuesday?

## 27

# Monday, Dec. 14, 1964

It's going to happen tomorrow. Uncle Paul is coming with the piece of the Cross. He called my mom and told her he will be coming at 6:00 PM. He will also have three other priests with him and said that we all have to be ready when they come. He told her that we will be given special instructions and to obey everything that they say. My mom wanted to know if they would like to stay for dinner but he said that it wasn't that kind of a visit. My mom also asked if it would be okay if my father isn't there. She said he might have to work late. I knew she was lying. Uncle Paul said absolutely not. The entire family has to be there.

I could hardly concentrate at school today.

Okay, since I said I would be honest with this journal and write down everything that happened I have to write down what happened today. In the afternoon Father Donovan asked Sister Ann if Greg Kubiak and I could come over to the rectory and help with mailing the 1965 collection envelope boxes for the parishioners. She said yes, which was great because we missed all of our afternoon classes. But I did something really bad. I did something I shouldn't have done. Greg and I went over to the rectory and put stamps on all the boxes of envelopes that went out to every parishioner of Saint Francis of Assisi. When we were finished Father Donovan asked us to go to the post office, which was three blocks away, and mail them. Greg and I had to take a wagon from the church to the post office because there was that much mail. I had to carry about twenty boxes while Greg pulled the wagon. When we finished we went back to the rectory and Father Donovan asked Greg and me to go down to the church basement and hang up the cassocks and surplices that the nuns had just washed and ironed.

I don't know what happened to me.

When Greg and I were walking over to the church he asked me what it's like to be a queer. I told him to shut up. He told me that everyone knew that I was a queer and a Holy Joe. When we got to the church we went into the back door. A set of stairs went up past where the door to the Sacristy is, where the altar boys and priest dress for Mass. Another set of stairs leads down into the basement of the church where the altar boys cassocks and surplices are stored. Before each Mass we had to go and pick up our cassock and surplice and go up into the Sacristy and dress with the priest. Greg started to go down the stairs when I did it. I don't know what happened. I watched him going down the stairs and he called me a queer again. So I kicked him. I kicked him in the back. I kicked him so hard that he fell down the stairs and laid at the bottom. I stood there and just looked at him lying there crying. I walked down and stood over him. He cried and said that he was hurt. I told him I didn't care. I told him to get up. I told him to get up because he was acting like a queer. He just looked at me. I told him to leave me alone and never call me a queer again. I stepped over him and asked him if he'd ever call me a queer again. He didn't say anything so I kicked him again in the back. He cried out and said he would never call me a queer. I told him that if he ever told anyone about what I did, I would hurt him worse the next time. I stepped over him and walked up the stairs and out of the church. I could hear Greg crying. I know what I did was wrong but I was glad I hurt him. It felt good.

## 28

# Tuesday, Dec. 15, 1964

Uncle Paul and the three priests just left our house. I can't believe what just happened. They came at 6 o'clock. I don't remember the names of the three other priests. My father, mom and I sat at the dining room table outside of the sick room and listened to what Uncle Paul said. One of the priests was carrying a leather case, a little bit bigger than a shoe box. It had two clasps on it like a briefcase. He laid it on the dining room table and opened it up. Inside was a smaller wooden box lying in the middle of red satin. Uncle Paul lifted the wooden box out of the case and put it in front of him on the table. He told us all to make the sign of the cross. I looked over at my father and he looked scared. Even he was listening and doing everything Uncle Paul said to do. Uncle Paul opened up the wooden box and inside was a gold sunburst about three inches wide. It was beautiful. The middle of the sunburst had a round glass window and inside it was gold satin and a tiny sliver of wood laying on it. He put the sunburst in both of his hands and showed us. No one said anything. I was looking at a piece of wood that Jesus Christ was crucified on. No one in Erie Pennsylvania was looking at this right now. Only me. I made the sign of the cross again. Uncle Paul told us that the relic would be placed in Danny's bed by his pillow. If there was a fire in the house tonight he told us our first responsibility was to save the relic first. We were to put ourselves second and get the relic to safety. I totally understood. Uncle Paul and the three priests went into the sick room and the priests knelt by the bed as Uncle Paul placed the relic by Danny's pillow. My father, mom and I stood at the door of the sick room and looked in. The priests were saying a prayer in Latin very softly because Danny was sleeping. The medicine he takes makes him sleep a lot. Uncle Paul touched Danny's face and told him that God loves him and will take care of him. He took his thumb and made the sign of the cross on his forehead. He bent down and said, be well Danny, let the miracle of Christ and all his angels surround you and bring you back to health. His voice cracked when he said angels and I knew he was crying. The three priests stood up and each one made the sign of the cross over Danny. I couldn't stop the tears running down my face. I saw my father crying too. I have never seen my father cry before. My mom had her hands folded in front of her but she wasn't crying. My father, mom and I were standing in front of the sick room watching Danny be blessed as he lay there sleeping. My father put his hands in front of his face and cried. He turned around and went out the front door. Uncle Paul and the priests came out of the room and my mom and I got their coats. Uncle Paul will be back tomorrow at 10 o'clock in the morning to pick up the relic. He hugged me and gave my mom a longer hug. The priests shook my hand and then they all left. My father wasn't on the porch and he didn't say goodbye to Uncle Paul.

I stood outside the sick room and looked at Danny sleeping with the relic by his pillow. I have faith in God. I have faith in Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. A miracle is going to take place in our house tonight and Danny is going to be healthy again. I can feel it in my bones. Heaven is going to come into our house.

_T he floor of my bedroom is made of glass. I am in bed and looking over the side and I can see Danny below me in the sick room. He is lying in bed with his head bandaged and next to his pillow is the relic. I get out of bed and lie on the glass floor and look down at my brother in bed. Suddenly the sunburst relic begins to glow. It begins to glow and slowly float up above Danny. The golden relic begins to spin and sparks of light fly out from it. Swirling light is filling the sick room. It looks like little comets. Hundreds of them. The room is full of magic. The room is full of miracles. Yellow light begins to glow from the sheet that covers Danny. It gets brighter and brighter. The light is causing the sheets to move. I can feel a breeze on my face as I watch what's happening below me. The sheets are rolling over Danny like water at the beach. The pillow is alive underneath his head. The pillow is glowing bright gold and bubbling. The bandages around Danny's head begin to move too. Hundreds of gold comets are zigzagging through the air in the sick room. The bandages look like gold fabric snakes moving all over Danny's head. I am watching a miracle. I am watching God. The bandages fly off of Danny's head. He isn't bald anymore. He has all his hair. There are no scars on his head. The gold bandages tear apart and attach themselves to the flying comets. Hundreds of comets with long gold tails are now flying underneath me in the sick room. I can hear them whizzing around the room. It is magic. It is God. The sheets are rolling in gold light over Danny and the room is filled with happiness. The light is coming up through the glass floor and filling my room with love. I can feel heat on my face. I begin to laugh. I begin to laugh because I am so happy. I look down and see Danny with his eyes open looking at me. He is smiling. He is waving at me. The light in my room is lifting me off the floor and I am floating up. Danny is below me and he is floating towards me waving and laughing. The miracle has worked. Danny is healthy again. Danny and I are laughing and waving at each other as the comets with the gold tails are flying all around the sick room. The sick room isn't sick anymore._

## 29

# Wednesday, Dec. 16, 1964

The miracle didn't happen. Nothing happened. Uncle Paul came when I was in school and picked up the relic and he's going back to Rome on Friday. It didn't work. I really believed something was going to happen. Something. My mom said Uncle Paul said to watch and wait. Isn't that what we've been doing since Danny got home? I'm kind of mad. It was a piece of the cross! It should have happened last night.

Greg Kubiak hasn't been in school since Monday. Sister Ann said that he fell down the stairs in the church and broke three ribs. He's supposed to come back on Friday. I hope he remembers what I told him.

Christmas is going to be really weird at our house this year. Christmas is the time I love the most. Danny and I always can't wait for it. My mom wraps all our presents and puts them up on top of the china cabinet in the dining room. It's so neat to see more and more presents appear every day. One day Danny will have more than me because we can read the To: and From: stickers on the presents. Then in three days I'll have more than him. Right now there aren't any presents on top of the china cabinet. It's weird.

When I got home today Danny was awake and I went into the sick room and sat and talked to him. He doesn't remember anything about the relic and Uncle Paul. My mom told me to not say anything because it might upset him and she doesn't want him to know that he's not getting better. No one ever said to me Danny wasn't getting better. No one tells me anything. I really want to tell him what happened but he's been talking a little strange. I'm going to wait and see if he starts to act normal again, then I'll tell him what happened.

When I was sitting with Danny today he kept looking over my shoulder and talking to someone behind me. I asked him what he was doing and he said that Grandma and Grandpa were behind me. It was really creepy when he said that. He said Grandpa was looking right down at me and smiling. Grandma wasn't smiling. I turned around and knew that no one was going to be there but he kept saying that Grandpa was waving at me.

I asked Danny why they were here and he said that they live here. He also said a bunch of other people live here too. I tried to change the subject and talk about his ring and Mr. Winters but he kept talking about all the people who are coming out of the closet and visiting him. I asked him if he really believed that there were other people in the sick room besides me. He said yes. He said all of our grandparents and great grandparents and great, great grandparents and great, great, great grandparents were all in the room with us. I didn't like hearing him talk like that. No one was in the room with me.

I don't like the sick room. What if he's telling the truth? What if he can see something I can't? I don't like to think about the night when I thought I was pulled into the sick room. Maybe I was dreaming. I did wake up on the floor when my father came into the room that night. It must have been a dream.

I told Danny that Christmas was next Friday. He looked at me and said that he wouldn't be here. I just looked at him. He said that he would probably be in Cleveland visiting friends. I told him he had to be here with me and he didn't have any friends in Cleveland. He just laughed and said that Grandpa was pulling his face apart behind me. I left the sick room and went up to my room.

## 30

# Thursday, Dec. 17, 1964

Nothing happened in school today but horrible things are happening in my house. After school I came home and my mom asked me to sit with Danny so she could go to the grocery store. At first he just slept while I was watching _Mighty Mouse_ and _Casper the Friendly Ghost_. Then he woke up. I was sitting in the living room and I kept hearing his voice. He didn't call to me but I just heard him talking. He was laughing and talking to someone. I didn't go into the sick room.

My mom came home and I didn't hear anything else. When my father got home we had our dinner and then my mom asked me to sit with Danny while she and my father went to The Last Call across the street. I didn't want them to go but I knew I couldn't say anything to change their minds. They said that they would be back in an hour, which I knew was a lie.

At 7:30, _The Munsters_ were on and I watched that. I love that show, especially Grandpa, the vampire. Then I watch _Donna Reed_ and then _My Three Sons_. At 9:00 o'clock my parents still weren't home. I just started to watch _Bewitched_ when it happened. I heard the clock alarm go off upstairs in my parents room. I sat on the couch and at first couldn't figure out what I was hearing. Then I knew what it was. I got up and turned the light on the stairs going upstairs. The buzzing seemed like it was getting louder. I walked up and stood at the landing. As I turned to my parents room the door to the cold bedroom popped open. I just stood there. I was scared. I walked into my parents room and the alarm clock was ringing on my mother's side of the bed. I knew I had to walk into the dark room and turn on the first light, which was on my mom's dresser. I got to her dresser and reached for the light on the left and turned the switch. Nothing happened. No light. I tried the switch again but nothing worked. I went over to the other light and turned it on. It didn't work either. I was standing in the middle of my parents bedroom and the alarm clock on my mother's night stand was ringing. At least I had the stairwell lights on and I could see a little bit in their room. That's when they turned off. I ran over to my mother's side of the bed and pushed the metal rod on the back of the clock and the alarm stopped. I sat in the dark and looked at the clock which was glowing and the time said 9:10. That's when I heard the alarm go off in my bedroom. I just sat there and didn't know what to do. The sound of the alarm seemed to get louder and louder. I got up and walked towards the steps to our bedroom in the dark. When I got into our room I went over to the desk and turned the light switch on. It didn't work. The alarm buzzer was so loud. I could see the clock face from the desk. The light seemed to glow way brighter than it was supposed to. I ran over and jumped on top of Danny's bed and reached for the clock and shut it off. It was off. All the alarms were off. I was sitting in the dark, in my room, but no alarms were ringing. That's when I heard Danny's voice. He called out to me. He said, Teddy Are You There? I jumped off Danny's bed and ran down the stairs into my parents room and out into the hallway. The cold bedroom door was still open a little but I ran down the stairs and into the living room. The lights were still on and _Bewitched_ was on the TV. I stood there and waited to hear Danny's voice again, but it didn't happen. I turned the light on in the dining room and walked towards the sick room. I stood in front of the sick room and said, Danny? He didn't say anything. I walked back to the living room and looked out the window at The Last Call. The lights were still on, but I didn't see my parents coming out. That's when I heard Danny's voice again. He said, Hi Teddy. I turned around and saw Danny standing in the dining room. He was standing next to the china cabinet looking into the living room. That's when he started to walk towards me. He had a smile on his face. I looked at his feet and saw that they weren't touching the ground. He wasn't walking. He was floating. His arms were close to his chest and he was floating into the living room. I was standing next to the front windows and Danny was floating towards me. I yelled out, Danny How Are You Moving? He smiled at me and said that Grandma and Grandpa were helping him. He said that they were holding him up by his elbows. He asked me if I saw them. He said they were at his side. I didn't see anyone. I just saw Danny floating towards me. I started to scream. I started to scream really loud. What happened next was so crazy. I was standing in front of the windows of our house with Danny floating in front of me. I started to scream and that's when my parents walked onto our porch. My father put his key into the door and suddenly Danny started to float backwards really fast. He started to float backwards and into the dining room and into the sick room and then he was gone. I stood there in our living room as Bewitched was playing on the TV and my mother and father came in our front door laughing. They asked me if everything was alright. I looked at them and said yes, everything was fine. I turned and went up to my bedroom. All the lights worked when I turned them on. Something bad is happening in our house.

_I 'm now sitting with Mary, Jesus and Saint Francis. Mary asks if I love my parents. I go up to the blackboard and begin to write out the words, I Love My Parents Very Much. Saint Francis says that I'm not telling the truth because I have seen my father naked and liked looking at him. Mary says that Saint Sebastian told her that I was looking at my father in the bathroom and had unclean thoughts. Jesus says that everyone should leave me alone because they can't throw a stone at me._

_I am sitting watching Julie Andrews singing "All I Want Is A Room Somewhere," from_ My Fair Lady _. Saint Francis and Mary, the mother of God, stop Julie Andrews and tell her that she isn't a good Catholic girl._

_I am sitting in front of a group of people. They look at me and say I'm not as good of a son to my parents as Danny. I should have the brain tumor and not Danny. I should die. Danny is the perfect son. Danny is the best son a mother and father could have. Julie Andrews agrees and says that all she wants is a room somewhere so that Danny can be happy and live his life to the fullest._

## 31

# Friday, Dec. 18, 1964

I thought I wouldn't sleep last night but when I went to bed I fell right to sleep. It's almost like last night didn't happen. Like I made it up. In school today I kept thinking maybe I have a brain tumor too. What if Danny and I both have brain tumors? Maybe all the things I'm hearing and seeing are being caused by a tumor in my head. But I'm not having any headaches and I don't have to wear glasses. I just can't figure this out.

Greg Kubiak came back to school today. He has to sit on a pillow and lean to one side at his desk. He didn't look at me or even talk to me. Good.

When I walk home from school I always pass a store that's across the street from Saint Francis church. It's a store that has a giant ant as a sign hanging over the door. They are exterminators. In the summer an old man always sits out front on a chair. He never says anything but he's there every day. It was snowing when I got out of school and when I went past the store the old man was taking garbage out and putting it on the curb. He looked at me and asked me why I was still walking with my head down. I didn't know what to say. He said whenever he sees me I always walk with my head down looking at my feet. I said, I didn't know why. He said that if I don't look up I won't see what's coming at me. I didn't say anything and walked home. What a stupid thing to say to me.

When I got home my mom said my father will be bringing fish sandwiches from the club again for dinner. She got on the telephone and talked to someone so I went in the sick room to see Danny. I sat down on the chair and waited for a little bit but he kept sleeping. I looked around the room and I looked up at the ceiling. Our bedroom is right up there. My bed is right over where Danny is sleeping. I looked at the floor and knew the dirt room was right below the sick room. That's when I remembered my father would probably tell me to water the furnace tonight. I went down in the cellar and got the metal watering can and filled it up and watered the furnace. When I was done I turned around and stood in front of the dirt room. I walked inside and looked up at the ceiling. The ceiling is the floor of the sick room. There isn't any kind of covering on the ceiling. You can see the wooden beams and wooden planks on top of them.

I pulled the string on the lightbulb in the middle of the room. It's such a weird room. The dirt isn't level on the floor. There is a lot of it and it slopes up to the ceiling on the other side so you can't just walk around the room.

When I went to pull the string of the lightbulb, I hit the bulb and the light was swinging around the room. In the far corner, where the dirt meets the ceiling, I saw something sparkle. I grabbed the string and stopped the lightbulb from swinging. There was something buried in the dirt. I had to squint a little but I could still see it. I crawled up the mound of dirt and with my hand I pushed away some of it. It was glass. The more I pushed away I started to see that it was a shade to a kerosene lantern. It was so cool. With both hands I dug it out. I brought it into the light of the furnace room and looked at it. The base had all kinds of designs in the glass. Squiggly lines that didn't make anything but it was really beautiful. I blew the dirt off and took it upstairs. When my mom saw what I had she asked me where I got it. I told her and she said that it must have belonged to one of my great, great grandparents. I asked her if I could wash it and put it in my room. She said okay but not to put any kerosene in it. I asked her why the lamp was buried in the dirt room. She said she had no idea.

My father brought home fish sandwiches and french fries. After dinner I went back in the sick room and Danny was awake. I sat on the chair and we talked. He asked me about school and he really seemed better. He never mentioned other people in the room. Could the miracle still happen? We talked about how cool his ring is and he said he doubted he could have made it this tuff looking if Mr. Winters hadn't finished it. We had the best time together. It was like the old Danny. Maybe the miracle just takes a little time. What a great Friday.

## 32

# Saturday, Dec. 19, 1964

My friend Joey and I went to a double feature movie today at the Warner Theater. The Warner is the most beautiful movie theater in the world. At least I think it is. It's like a palace and it's huge. My mom gave me two dollars, that's a dollar for the movie and the rest is for popcorn, candy and something to drink. I really like movie posters, especially the ones that are coming soon. When you buy a ticket you give your money to the ticket lady who sits in this gold tube outside the theater. It's so cool to have your office in front of the movie theater. You pay for your ticket and go inside the lobby. On both sides of the walls are all the posters for the movies that are coming soon. _The Agony And The Ecstasy, How To Murder Your Wife, Our Man Flint, The Greatest Story Ever Told, Mirage_. I love to stand in front of each poster and read all the actors, writers, directors and composers names. My mom took Danny and me to see _My Fair Lady_ in October at the Strand Theater, which is a couple of blocks away from the Warner. Wow, what a movie. Danny said that it was stupid for people to start singing in a movie. I thought it was great.

The balcony hangs over the lobby at the Warner and as you pass underneath it there is the concession stand. Everything inside the theater is red and gold and you should see the water fountain. When you get a drink, you step into it like stepping into a bathtub that's standing straight up. All the inside is made from square tiles of blue and gold. It looks like it should be in that big palace in India. Past the concession stand is the entrance into the theater. It's kind of like a half moon with five doors that lead inside. We always go into the middle one. There are also stairs that lead up to the balcony but I never like to sit up there. A lot of kids talk during the movie and throw popcorn and Raisinettes down. If you sit about six aisles in front of the balcony nothing can hit you on the head. The movie screen is gigantic and it also shows features that are filmed in Cinerama. I wanted to see _It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World_ last year but my mom said that it wasn't a movie for kids.

_The Lake Shore Visitor_ is the Catholic newspaper and it posts all the movies that Catholics are allowed to see. It has a rating for everything. Family friendly, adults only and the worst are in the Condemned Column. You're never allowed to see them.

Giant red velvet curtains cover the movie screen when you walk in and all the seats are covered in red velvet too. There are these cool lights that are on the side of the seats that run down the aisle so you don't fall down. I love being inside the Warner Theater. Going to the movies has to be the greatest thing I love to do next to serving Mass.

Today we saw _The Castle Of Terror_ and _Castle Of The Living Dead_. I really like the actor Christopher Lee. He was Count Drago and had this circus with all these mummified animals. It was cool. Another thing I like is the coming attractions. Sometimes they show the condemned movies. To be honest, they look pretty good. One of the movies coming was weird. There wasn't a title but it looked like Frankenstein. It was so stupid. The actors weren't even speaking English because their mouths didn't move right and the Frankenstein monster wasn't even in a castle. One scene had the mad doctor cutting into this guy's stomach and it was really gross. A kid up in the balcony yelled out that they weren't cutting into flesh but into a chicken breast. Everybody laughed and threw things at the screen. That was kind of funny. Joey walked me home and then went to his house.

I looked on top of the china cabinet but there still aren't any presents up there. My parents went to _The Last Call_ and I watched _Flipper, Gilligan's Island_ and _Mr. Magoo_.

## 33

# Sunday, Dec. 20, 1964

After Mass we went home and had our donuts. My mom looked at me and said that with Danny being so sick she didn't have time to go out and buy Christmas presents. She said that I'll be getting gifts from Aunt Dolly and other relatives so at least I'll be getting something. I can't believe it. I asked her about Danny and she said that she didn't want to talk about it. I asked to be excused from the table and went up to my room.

I hate living here. I hate what's happening to Danny. I wish he and I could go and live with someone else. My mother says and does stupid things. My father is always drunk and makes fun of me. I hate being twelve years old. I'm trapped in this house with them. Our house is all decorated for Christmas and we're not going to have any presents under the tree. I hate my parents. I want to go downstairs and pull the tree down and smash it out the window. But I can't. I can't do anything.

## 34

# Monday, Dec. 21, 1964

Everyone in school is getting ready for Christmas. I'm not. After school I went over to Joey's house to play and I told his mom Danny and I weren't getting any presents. She just looked at me. She said my parents are going through a really hard time and I'm sure that they'll make it up to you and Danny. I told her I didn't think they would. She kissed me on the forehead and invited me over Christmas afternoon, if I wanted to come. I said thank you but I'll be staying home. I don't want to see all the presents Joey is getting.

When I got home my mom was making roast beef and potatoes for dinner. Danny was sleeping. After dinner my parents watched TV and I did my homework at the dining room table.

I'm really mad. I want to scream really loud. I want to take a baseball bat and smash the TV while my parents are watching. I know it's crazy to think like this but it's not fair that we're not getting any presents. If anything, Danny should be getting lots of presents since he's been so sick. If I had gotten sick they wouldn't be doing this. They would have made sure Danny got a Christmas. Danny is the perfect son.

## 35

# Tuesday, Dec. 22, 1964

I came home from school today and I couldn't believe what I saw. The top of the china cabinet was filled with wrapped presents! They were piled on top of each other. WOW! When I walked into the kitchen my mom was on the telephone and I put my books down on the kitchen table and walked into the dining room to say hi to Danny. When I got close to the sick room I saw out of the corner of my eye the presents on top of the cabinet. I couldn't believe it. I turned around and looked at my mom on the telephone and she smiled at me. I ran into the sick room but Danny was sound asleep. My mom got off the telephone and asked me what I was so happy about. I just looked at her and said The Presents! She laughed and said that I'll have to wait for Christmas morning. I can't believe it! I feel so bad about the way I felt about my parents and Danny. Holy cow! We've got presents! We're going to have a Christmas. I'm so happy.

My father got home from work and started to drink right away. I didn't care because I was so happy about all the presents. After dinner I went into the sick room and sat down to talk to Danny. He was pretty good. We talked about what happened in school. Today we saw this film about a convent where these nuns lived. At one point, a nun talked about how the birds would eat the beetles off the flowers outside of her window. She said that she could hear the crunching of the birds eating. It kind of turned my stomach hearing her say that. I thought it was so gross to hear a bird eating a beetle. All that cracking sound. Anyway, the rest of the film was about how these nuns made all kinds of pottery for their church and sold it to make money for African kids who weren't Roman Catholic. There are so many kids around the world who aren't Catholic. In India, China, Germany, and Guam. They need to be converted in order for them to get to Heaven. I'm so glad I was born into a Catholic home. Sister Mary George, who teaches third grade, always says that the little black babies need to be saved by missionaries. If they don't get baptized, they will go directly to Purgatory and have to wait until the end of the world for God to decide if they go to Heaven or Hell. I'm really glad I'm a Catholic and wear my Scapular. I can't even think about being in Purgatory. Every Jew, Protestant, or anyone who isn't Catholic goes to Purgatory. If you commit a mortal sin you go right to Hell, but if you were not born into the Roman Catholic faith you have to go to Purgatory. The way Sister Ann describes it, you just sit around for years and years and wait until the end of the world. Then God decides who's going into Heaven or Hell. I asked her once what it was like to live in Purgatory and she said it was like living in a neighborhood where everything is gray and foggy. She said you can't see clearly where you're going, because you didn't give your life to Jesus Christ. I can't imagine how big Purgatory must be. If you think about it there must be so many people there. How do they all fit? Are they just souls that float around? Do souls have eyes? I just can't figure that out. Maybe it's somewhere in space. I do not want to ever go to Purgatory.

## 36

# Wednesday, Dec. 23, 1964

We got out of school early today after lunch because Christmas Eve is tomorrow. When I got home my mom was having a real hard time with Danny. He was yelling at her and saying really weird things. She was sitting next to him on the side of the bed and asking why would he say such awful things to her. He kept yelling at her that she should never have let it happen. He yelled that she was going to have to answer to the principal and would probably be thrown out of our house. I stood in the dining room and called to my mom but she didn't look at me. Danny sometimes says really crazy things but she always tells me it's because of the medicine. I don't know why she keeps talking to him when he says weird things. I stood in the doorway and saw her grab him by the shoulders and ask him who was telling him all these nasty things about her. Danny just stared at her and smiled. She really got mad and shook him and said Tell Me. Danny said, Your Father. My mom let go of him and stood up. She stood next to the bed and looked at Danny. Danny said Grandpa Told Me Everything, Now Get Out Of My Room. She turned around and walked past me and into the kitchen.

I looked over at Danny after she left but he had his eyes closed and looked like he was sleeping. I don't know what that was about.

After dinner my parents went over to The Last Call.

I got on a dining room chair and looked at the presents on the china cabinet. All I want for Christmas is a Mattel Vac-U-Form. I don't care if that is the only present I get, that's all I want. It's such a tuff toy. They have all kinds of molds you can make with plastic squares. Frogs, boats, airplanes, funny faces. It's the coolest toy and I want one so bad. I know how big the box is but nothing on top of the cabinet looks like it. Maybe my mom knows I know what the box looks like and she hid it somewhere else.

Danny called for me when I was up on the chair. I got down and went into the sick room. He seemed pretty good. He couldn't believe that Christmas Eve is tomorrow night. I asked him how he felt and he just looked at me. He said that he didn't feel good. He said that his head was always sore and he really couldn't see that great. I asked him if he wanted me to get his glasses but he said they don't help him see at all. He said that he just wants to go back to his bed in our room. I told him that I'd help him up the stairs and he could sleep up there tonight. He didn't think that was a good idea but he wanted to know if I would sleep with him on Christmas Eve. I think that would really be neat. He says we can talk all night about everything. I sat on the edge of the bed and told him how much I missed him. I told him how much I hated him being sick. I told him that I want him to get better and come back. He smiled at me and said he was trying. I started to cry and he took my hand and said I would never be alone. He said that he will always be with me and we'll have a blast once he gets better. I looked at him and told him to promise me. He laughed and said he promised. I just sat there like a jerk and cried. Danny asked me if Thomas O'Brien had thrown up on anybody lately. I started to laugh and said no but he got yelled at for eating his boogers at his desk. We started to laugh and then I told him that Debbie Bukowski farted at her desk during history. Sister Ann pretended that it didn't happen but it was so loud that we all knew she did it. Judy Simpson, who sits behind Debbie, got up and ran into the cloak room and said she couldn't stand it anymore. She asked if she could have her desk changed. Debbie just sat there and turned red. Sister Ann told Judy to sit down and behave.

Danny and I laughed and laughed. I can't wait for tomorrow night.

_I 'm sitting in front of our house and two sisters who live on the next block ask me if I want to play jump rope. They start skipping the rope and I jump in. Lincoln, Lincoln I Been Thinkin What The Heck Have You Been Drinkin? Scotch, Whiskey, Beer. The rope hits my ankle and I have to jump out. One of the sisters hands me the rope and I start to swing with her sister. Lizzie Borden Took An Axe And Gave Her Father Forty Whacks. When She Saw What She Had Done She Gave Her Mother Forty One, One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine._

_My father comes running off our porch and pushes one of the sisters to the ground. He tells them they can't come back to our house again. He grabs their jump rope and they run away. I look at my father and tell him they are my friends and I like to jump rope with them. He tells me boys don't jump rope and takes the rope and slaps me in the face._

_I can see Danny in a wheelchair coming down the block. He rolls up to me and says that I haven't been listening to him. I tell him I don't know what he's talking about. He points to our house, which is burning down and says that I have to break the chain._

_The two sisters are in front of our house again and they are skipping rope, but instead of skipping rope they are skipping chains. The chains are making sparks as they hit the sidewalk in front of my house. They are chanting._

_Gypsy, Gypsy Please Tell me What My Fortune's Going To Be._

_Rich-Man, Poor-Man, Beggar-Man, Thief. Doc- Tor,_

_Law-Yer, In-Di-An Chief. Tink-Er, Tail-Or, Cow-Boy, Sail- er._

_The jump rope chains are now on fire and I'm standing in front of my house watching. My father comes up behind me and pushes me into the chains of fire. I start to jump as he yells, Miss Teddy Had A Steamboat The Steamboat Had A Bell Miss Teddy Went To Heaven The Steamboat Went To_

_Hello Operator Please Give Me Number Nine And If You Disconnect Me I'll Kick You From Behind The Refrigerator_

_There Was A Piece Of Glass Miss Teddy Sat Upon It And Cut His Little Ask Me No More Questions!_

_Danny's wheelchair is rolling down the street on fire. He's yelling to me. He's yelling Break The Chain._

_The two sisters are running away from our house. My mom is standing on the roof. My father is standing on the steps of our porch looking up at her. Danny's wheelchair is on fire and rolling down the street. My father looks at me and asks me if I know how stupid I am. He stands there laughing as my mother flies off the roof like a bird and makes circles in the sky over our house._

## 37

# Thursday, Dec. 24, 1964

It snowed about ten inches since last night. I had to shovel from the back door all around the side of the house and the sidewalk in front. That's a lot to shovel.

My mom sat in the sick room for about an hour in the morning and just stared at Danny. She then went down into the cellar and was there for about two hours. I knew what she was doing. I could hear her voice. I'm not going down there anymore when she does that stuff. I don't like seeing it.

Danny was awake around one o'clock. He didn't feel very good. I asked him if he still wanted me to sleep with him tonight and he said Yes, so I let him go back to sleep so he could feel better later.

I watched _Queen For A Day_ in the afternoon. Jack Bailey crowns a lady Queen if the audience thinks her life is the worst. The lady who won today had five kids and her husband died a year ago. She was having trouble paying all her bills and two of her kids were cripples and had to live at home with her. She cried and cried and said she was at the end of her rope, whatever that means. What's cool about the show is the Applause Meter. Jack Bailey asks the audience to clap for each of the ladies. Whoever gets the most applause gets to be Queen. I knew this lady was going to win because the other two had sad stories but hers was the saddest. When she won, they put a robe on her, a big crown, gave her roses and she sat on a throne. She cried so hard she couldn't speak. She won some weird prizes. She got a full set of encyclopedias so the crippled kids could learn something at home and new shoes for the other kids but then she got a vacation trip, a refrigerator and a washing machine. She didn't ask for the other stuff. How was she going to go on a trip to the Grand Canyon with two kids who couldn't even walk?

When my mom came up from the cellar she started getting dinner ready. She told me my father was coming home late because he was going to his office party. I told her Danny and I were going to sleep in the sick room tonight. She just looked at me and didn't say anything.

I don't have to go back to school for eight days! Usually Danny and I go sledding down Clay Hill or if my father drives us we go to Frontier Park. It has the biggest hill for sledding. I wish we had a toboggan but my father says they're too expensive. Danny and I fit on our sled together and we have a blast going down hills. The only part I hate is having to drag the sled back up the hill. Some kids take a shovel and sit on it holding the handle in front of them and slide down. My mom says we're not allowed to do that because we'll knock our teeth out if the handle hits us in the face. We've got a sled so I don't care. I figure I'll be with Danny for eight days and hopefully he'll be getting better and we can do stuff.

My mom made chicken a la king for dinner and it was great. When we finished the dishes she asked me if I would mind if she went to The Last Call for some holiday cheer. I didn't care. When she left I went into the sick room. Danny was sleeping but I turned the light on and sat down on the chair. My father is really good at putting wallpaper on. I sat and looked at the wallpaper in the sick room. It had a drawing of a man and lady underneath a tree. They were dressed really fancy and she had big hair and he was pushing her on a swing. They were from a long time ago when ladies and men wore white wigs. He had pants on that only went to his knees. She had her leg up in the air and he had just pushed her on the swing. Underneath that drawing was a wishing well with all kinds of ivy crawling all over it and rabbits were sitting by the well. Underneath that was a big group of flowers that were tied in a bow. After that the drawing of the lady on the swing came back and everything repeated. My father did a really good job on the wallpaper. I've seen him do the kitchen. He matches everything up perfectly. I like the smell of the paste he uses. I don't think I could do as good a job as he does. In the kitchen he even covered the shade on a lamp that hangs by the clock. He covered the shade with the wallpaper. It looks so great. He does the outlet covers too. I just sat there and looked at the drawings on the wallpaper in the sick room waiting for Danny to wake up. That's when I heard the voice. At first I thought my father had come home and was talking to me. But it wasn't him. The voice was coming from Danny. I turned and looked at him and he was sitting up in bed. He looked at me and said, What The Hell Are You Looking At Boy? Danny was talking but it wasn't his voice. I said, Danny? The voice said Are You Really That Stupid? Look At Me! Open Your Eyes Boy!

I looked at Danny's face and couldn't believe what I saw. It was like someone else was inside him. I saw Danny's face but behind his face was someone else. Danny's mouth was shut but I could see the teeth of the person who was talking to me. I could see the eyes that were over Danny's closed eyes. Someone was inside Danny. I sat there and just looked at him. The voice said, Can You See Me Now Boy? I said yes. Then the face started to chomp his teeth at me. It looked like he was trying to bite me. He said, If I Was There I'd Chew Your Face Off You Miserable Immoral Pup. I told him to shut up. That really made him mad. Danny's body started to move all over the place. His arms were swinging everywhere but he couldn't get out of bed. The voice said, Your Time Is Coming Teddy Boy. You're Next. I asked the voice what I'm next for and it said, Fun. I asked it who it was and it said, Your Grandpa. I looked at Danny's face and I could see an old man inside of him looking out at me. He was laughing at me. He was laughing at me underneath Danny's face. Danny's body started to move in every direction. His arms were going wild and his legs were kicking out in front of him. I got up from the chair and ran over to the doorway. When I looked back at Danny he was sitting in the bed looking at me. It was Danny. My brother Danny. There wasn't a face behind him. He looked at me and said, Teddy What's Going On? I didn't know what to do. I asked Danny if it was really him, but I already knew it was. He said it was him. I told him that I was really scared. I told him that someone was inside him talking to me. He looked at me and said, Grandpa? I said yes. He put his head down and said, Teddy, Please Help Me.

That's when I heard my father come in the front door. He was drunk. I turned back to Danny but he was asleep. Danny was asleep on his back in bed. I just stood in the doorway of the sick room. My father came in the house and took off his coat and yelled for my mom. I told him she went to The Last Call. He turned around, grabbed his coat and went back out. When he slammed the door I heard the voice again. I turned around and looked into the sick room. Danny was hanging upside down from the ceiling facing away from me. His feet were standing on the ceiling and his arms were just hanging down. My grandfather's face was looking at me through the back of Danny's head. He was laughing at me and I could see all his teeth. I could see his face through the back of Danny's head. He said, Merry Christmas Teddy and started to stomp Danny's feet slowly on the ceiling. Then it got faster. Danny was standing on the ceiling in the sick room stomping his feet faster and faster.

I ran up to my room and got on my knees and prayed to Jesus and the Virgin Mary to protect me. I could hear my grandfather laughing and I could feel the pounding on the sick room ceiling through my knees. He was pounding so hard my bed started to shake.

_I 'm walking down the hall in my school. I look inside the 7th grade classroom and everyone is sitting at their desks. At the back of the room Thomas O'Brien has his hand up in the air watching Sister Ann write a math problem on the chalkboard. Everyone else is sitting at their desks with their hands folded. I can see my empty desk. Sister Ann turns her head and smiles at me through the glass window on the 7th grade wooden door. I look back at everyone at their desks. Everyone has a wrapped gift in front of them. There is a gift on my desk too. Greg Kubiak gets up and takes my gift and puts it on his desk. He looks out at me and smiles. I'm standing out in front of my 7th grade classroom looking in. All together everyone takes the top off of their presents. Fire shoots out from every box. The sleeves of Thomas O'Brien's shirt are on fire. Darlene Bukowski's knee socks are on fire and she is stomping her feet underneath her desk. Greg Kubiak's hair is on fire and he is slapping his head over and over again. I look at all of my classmates and notice that no one has a mouth. They are screaming with their eyes. Sister Ann goes over to Greg's desk and picks up my present and puts it on her desk. She smiles at me and sits down in her chair._

_All of my class is on fire. Everyone is burning up but no one is moving from their desks. Sister Ann is sitting at her desk and holding onto my gift._

_I'm standing outside of my 7th grade classroom. I turn around and see the red fire alarm box on the wall. Printed on the glass is Break Glass In Case Of Emergency. A small metal hammer is hanging on the side of the red box. I can see the reflection of my classroom behind me in the glass fire box. I can see the flames. I turn back around and see Sister Ann holding onto my present. She looks at me and smiles._

_I pick up the metal hammer. I tap it lightly on the glass. I put down the metal hammer. I walk out the front door of my school and down the steps._

## 38

# Friday, Dec. 25, 1964

This was the worst Christmas I've ever had. I didn't sleep much last night. The pounding below me stopped around midnight but the voice of my grandfather laughed until one o'clock in the morning. I remember looking at my clock at the time. My parents came home around two o'clock. I had shut my bedroom door but I heard them doing stuff in their bedroom. I try not to listen to them but I just can't help it. It sounds like my father is hurting my mom. He's always making noises and I don't ever hear my mom at all. He grunts a lot and then you don't hear anything. I hate my father. I lay in my bed and couldn't stop thinking about Danny below my room. What is happening to him? What am I going to do to save him? I kept falling back asleep and then I woke up and it was eight o'clock in the morning.

I didn't want to have Christmas. I didn't want to open any presents. I didn't want to get out of bed.

At nine o'clock in the morning, my mom opened my door and asked me if I was ready to go downstairs. I could smell coffee, so I knew that they had been up. I said I'd be right down. I put my robe on and went downstairs and into the bathroom. When I finished I went back into the living room. Danny was lying on the couch and my father was sitting in his chair. My mom was kneeling down in front of the tree. She told me to come and sit by her. She gave me presents and I opened them and said how much I liked them. I really don't remember what I got. I just opened presents and said thank you. She went over to Danny, who was asleep on the couch and opened his presents for him. She unwrapped his presents and held them up and said how wonderful they were. He never opened his eyes. My father sat in his chair and just looked at us. My mom got him a bath sheet, which is a really really big towel. He looked at it and said What The Hell Am I Going To Do With This? This Is The Dumbest Goddamn Gift I've Ever Gotten. He took the towel and threw it under the tree and walked into the kitchen. My mom got really upset and ran upstairs. I just sat there next to the Christmas tree with Danny sleeping on the couch. There were two other presents for me and one more for Danny. I didn't even care what they were. I didn't get the Vac-U-Form. I don't care about Christmas.

My father put Danny back in the sick room and went to sleep on the couch for the rest of the afternoon. My mom went in the cellar and spent the rest of the day there. I went to my room. I hate what's happening. I hate everyone. Except Danny.

## 39

# Saturday, Dec. 26, 1964

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to think. Everything in my house is crazy. Did I really see my grandfather inside of Danny last night? I think I did. Do my parents know what's going on? I don't think so. When I talk to Danny sometimes he seems like he knows what's going on and sometimes he doesn't. I know everything happening is true. I know I'm not making this up.

Something very bad is in our house. Something is happening. But what if I have a brain tumor too? What if Danny and I have the same thing wrong with us? I might need an operation too. I wish I could talk to someone but I don't want to look like I'm crazy. If someone thinks I'm crazy they'll put me in a place for retarded kids. There's a place like that in Erie. Every year our class goes and visits the Catherine Scully Center. She's a lady who takes care of kids who are retarded. Our class goes and visits them in May during lunchtime. They give us place mats and key chains they've made. We sit with them and watch them paint. It's a big brick building that has bars on the windows. It used to be an orphanage but now Mrs. Scully runs it for all the retarded kids. I never knew there were so many of them. I try to be nice but some of the kids scare me. They have such big faces and some of them have crooked arms and are in wheelchairs. I really feel sorry for them but it's really weird. Sister Ann says we should be thankful we're so healthy. One time Thomas O'Brien wouldn't come out of the bus when we got there. He said he could catch being retarded if he sat with those kids.

If I told my principal about all the things that are happening in my house, I'm afraid she might tell my parents to put me in the Catherine Scully Center. I'm not retarded. I really don't think I am. I will never tell anyone what's going on. I will only write in my journal about what I'm seeing. I'm not going to take the chance.

One of my favorite shows on TV is _The Man From U.N.C.L.E._ I'm going to do what Napoleon Solo does. He always says there's a logical explanation for everything. One time Napoleon was in this house and he got locked in and couldn't get out. Huge playing cards were all over the house and they would turn and go into other rooms. It was so scary because a voice would come out of nowhere and laugh at him. In the end Napoleon figured out what was going on and it was just a midget from THRUSH who hated him and wanted him dead. I'm going to watch everything going on in my house and write it all down. I'll be like Napoleon Solo. I won't be afraid and I'll find out what is going on.

What if it is ghosts? Maybe they are trying to contact Danny and me. Maybe I shouldn't be afraid. But why was my grandfather so mean to me? Maybe I'm doing something wrong and I don't know it. Maybe my grandfather is trying to help Danny get better. I think this might work. I won't be afraid when I see him next time.

## 40

# Sunday, Dec. 27, 1964

I served Mass this morning and my mom came with me to church. My father stayed home with Danny and never went to Mass. After breakfast my mom got on the telephone and called some friends to see if they were doing something for New Year's Eve. My mom told my father that everyone thought since Danny was so sick we'd be staying home. They decided to just go to The Last Call around 10 o'clock on New Year's Eve.

My friend Joey came over in the afternoon and I showed him what I got for Christmas. He and I went into the sick room to say hi to Danny. Danny was awake and at first he didn't know who Joey was but after a minute he did. We talked about school and stuff and then Danny got a little weird. He looked at Joey and said, You're Going To Die In 1978. I just told Joey that Danny says some stupid things because of the pills he takes. After that Joey wanted to go home.

I spent the rest of the afternoon in my room listening to the radio and reading a book that Darlene Bukowski gave me. It's called _The Secret of the Old Clock_ , a Nancy Drew Mystery. She said it's a girl's book but her brother reads them and he's 15. I've read four chapters and it's pretty good. I keep it hidden under my bed in case my father finds me reading it.

My father was going nuts today because the Cleveland Browns beat the Baltimore Colts. I really don't care.

After dinner I sat with Danny and we talked a little bit but he fell asleep. I sat in the sick room awhile and just looked around. I stared at Danny sleeping. I could hear my parents in the living room watching _Bonanza_. It has a cool theme song.

I looked up at the ceiling where Danny had been stomping his feet. There weren't any marks. I didn't see any clues so I got up to leave and the light on the dresser started to flicker. I could hear my parents watching TV and the light on the dresser started to blink really fast. I sat back down and said Hello. I had to squint a little because the lights were blinking so fast. And then I saw the wallpaper. The lady on the swing was moving. I could see her swinging on the swing. The man was pushing her and she was going back and forth in the air. It was like a cartoon but with the light blinking so fast it was all jerky looking. The man pushed her and pushed her on the swing. He pushed her really hard and she flew off and crashed to the ground. He pulled the swing down from the tree branch and took the rope and ran over to where she was lying. Her big white hair was a wig and it fell off when she crashed. He jumped on top of her and wrapped the rope around her neck. Her legs were kicking and kicking the ground. He looked over at me and smiled.

All over the wall the same thing was happening. The lady reached up to his face and clawed his eyes out. She threw them to the side as he jumped off of her. She crawled over the drawing and fell down to the wishing well below. The ivy was moving everywhere around the wishing well and was strangling the rabbits.

The lady got to her feet and that's when the ivy let go of the rabbits. The vines crawled over to her and started to wrap themselves around her legs and move up her body. She turned and looked at me and screamed but there wasn't any sound. Her mouth was open and the ivy started to crawl down her throat. The ivy dragged her over to the wishing well and threw her into it. All over the walls she was being thrown down the well. The blinking light was going crazy. Below the wishing well were the flowers in a big bow but they weren't flowers anymore. They were snakes. All of the snakes were tied up by the bow and they were fighting each other. One by one the snakes started to eat each other. But when one snake ate another it got bigger and bigger until there was just one giant snake. All over the walls there were giant snakes and they started to slither down the wallpaper. I could see them slithering over Danny and coming over the side of the bed. They were crawling over the dresser and down the closet door. I saw them on the carpet in front of me and felt them crawling up my leg. My legs were being squeezed really hard and it hurt. One by one the snakes crawled up and surrounded me in the chair. All of their heads looked at me and they slowly opened their mouths together. Then the blinking light stopped and I was sitting in the dark. I just sat there because I was too afraid to move. I could hear Danny breathing in the bed next to me. I wouldn't look at him. I was grabbing the side of the chair so hard that my knuckles hurt. I heard my parents laughing at something on TV. I let go of the side of the chair and stood up. The light went back on. There weren't any snakes. The wallpaper wasn't moving. Danny was asleep. I walked out of the sick room and said good night to my parents. I went to my room and got into bed. These ghosts aren't nice. They aren't here to help Danny. Why am I the only one who sees them? Napoleon Solo doesn't know what he's talking about.

_I 'm on the beach with my class. Everybody has a picnic lunch. A bunch of us start to run down the beach. I start to run really fast. Everyone looks at me. I'm running down the beach and lift off the ground. I'm flying. I'm flying over the beach. I can see my classmates below me. I spread my arms and fly through the air. Everyone in my class waves at me as I'm flying. I wave back to them. I fly higher and higher in the air. I'm so high I can see all of Erie below me. I start to fall. I'm falling from the sky and I feel like my face is being pulled off. I know I can't really fly and I'm falling back down to earth. My mouth is pulling against my teeth._

_I fall through the roof of my house. I fall through my bedroom and the sick room and into the dirt room. I am lying in the dirt room where my mother is sitting. She looks at me and asks me what I want for dinner. I tell her a Vac-U-Form. She looks at me and says I'm only cooking chicken. I stand up and walk out of the dirt room and into my classroom. Jesus is hung on the cross behind Sister Ann's desk. No one seems to see him. Sister Ann is giving everyone bologna sandwiches at their desks. I walk over to Jesus and look up at him. He asks me to scratch his foot. I ask him which one and he says the one with the nail in it._

_My grandfather is sleeping in Danny's bed next to me. He looks at me and asks if I'm willing to play the game. I tell him I don't know what he's talking about. He asks me again if I'm willing to play the game. I ask him, What Game? He looks at me and starts to chomp his teeth. His lips are pulled back from his mouth and he chomps at me._

_I wake up in the sick room and sit up in bed. I look over the side of the bed and see a trapeze. I put both hands on the trapeze and jump off the bed. I'm flying through the air holding onto the trapeze. I feel the air blowing against my face. I am swinging through the air on a trapeze. Jesus is holding onto my ankles as I swing through the air. He tells me to let go and give up. He tells me to I'll never win. I look at Jesus. I look at the crown of thorns on his head. He is bleeding. I ask him if I should really let go. He looks at me with blood in his eyes and says Yes. I let go of the trapeze and begin to fall. I can feel myself falling. I am afraid. Jesus looks at me as I fall and says You Made A Mistake._

## 41

# Monday, Dec. 28, 1964

I had to talk to someone today and with school being out until January 4th I didn't know what to do. I thought about talking to Joey's mom but changed my mind. I didn't want to tell anyone in the family because they would tell my parents even if I said not to. I can only talk to Sister Ann.

The sisters of Saint Joseph live in a convent that's not that far of a walk from my house. Well it kind of is but I didn't care. I lied to my mom and said I was going over to the church to help clean the basement. She didn't care. I've gone to the convent before but it was always with some classmates on weekends. The nuns like it when their students visit them. The convent is so cool. There are big black gates you have to push open to get inside. The whole place is surrounded with trees and gardens. A lot of the nuns are gardeners and boy does it show. In the summer you should see the roses and all the different flowers. Once you get past the gates you walk on a path that leads to this giant brick building. The building is four stories tall and has a church built right inside it. How cool it would be to have a church built right inside where you live. The front doors are big and made of this dark wood. On the right side of the door is a rope connected to a bell. I pulled on the rope and the bell rang. In about fifteen seconds the door opened and a nun looked at me. She wished me a Merry Christmas and asked how she could help me. I told her I was a student of Sister Ann over at Saint Francis of Assisi and wondered if I could talk to her. The nun told me her name was Sister Edwina and said she would check to see if Sister Ann was in the convent. She had me sit in the first room to the left of the front door. It had a giant wooden crucifix on the wall. I swear it was six feet tall. There were three couches, a table and chair and some coffee tables in front of the couches. Everything was in red. I sat down on the couch that faced the giant crucifix. Christ's mouth was open and you could see all his teeth and his lips were curled. He was crying out. The stab wound in his side was deep and you could see the crown of thorns going into his head. What a horrible way to die.

I heard my name and turned my head and Sister Ann was standing next to the couch. She gave me a hug, wished me a Merry Christmas and said what a pleasant surprise it was to see me. She sat down next to me and asked how my parents and Danny were. I guess I must have looked funny because she asked me what was the matter. First I told her that I wasn't retarded and she couldn't send me to the Catherine Scully Center. She smiled at me and said she knew I wasn't retarded.

I asked her if she ever saw a ghost. She looked at me and asked why I would ask her such a question. I told her that since Danny had gotten sick I started to see things in my house that made me believe in ghosts. She asked me if I talked to my parents about it but I told her I can't. She asked why and I told her I just can't.

Sister Ann said many things can happen in this world. She never saw a ghost but she couldn't say they didn't exist. She asked me what I saw. I told her I saw an old man in our house. She asked me why did it scare me and I told her he looked evil. She asked me where I saw it and I told her Danny's room. If I told her the truth about my grandfather being inside Danny, she would have sent me off to the Catherine Scully Center. I couldn't take the chance.

She just sat there and didn't say anything. She asked me how Danny was doing and I told her not great. I told her that he didn't talk the same way he used to and sometimes he didn't know I was talking to him. She asked me again if I couldn't talk to my parents about it and I told her no. She asked me if I would be comfortable talking to Father Donovan and I told her she was the only one I'd ever tell this to. She looked at me and said she believed me. She said there are many things that don't have logical answers. She told me not to be frightened and to come to her after school if I ever need to talk to her again. She said we should say a prayer so we both knelt on the kneeler in front of the giant crucifix, made the sign of the cross and prayed. We said goodbye at the front doors and I walked back home. Sister Ann is the nicest person in the world. I have someone to talk to.

## 42

# Tuesday, Dec. 29, 1964

I felt weird all day today, like everything is blurry. What really makes things weird is I can go to sleep at night. After what I saw yesterday I didn't think I was going to be able to sleep. At first I just laid there and thought about Jesus and the Saints looking over me but the more I thought about it the more I wondered why they didn't come and help me. There are so many stories about God and the Saints coming to the rescue of people. No one is coming to my rescue. God has to be seeing what's happening to me and Danny. Why isn't He doing anything? Why isn't the Virgin Mary telling him I need help? I thought about this last night and all of a sudden I woke up and it was morning. When I woke up I saw my mother sleeping in Danny's bed. It was weird. She looked like she didn't have any clothes on under the covers.

I was embarrassed to get out of bed. I know I'm the only one who is going to be reading my journal but I feel weird about what I have to write. I'm not stupid. I know about puberty and all the stuff that's going on with my body. Danny has told me everything to look out for. He said that when I started to see hair under my arm pits it was starting. He was right.

My mom was sleeping in Danny's bed and I wanted to get out and go downstairs but I couldn't. I was excited. Every morning I'm excited. I just lay there and waited to calm down. Why was she sleeping in Danny's bed? I grabbed a comic book from underneath my night stand and read an old _Archie_. She still didn't wake up when I was finished. I started to cough and kind of move around my bed. I wasn't excited anymore but I didn't know what to do if I walked past her and she had no clothes on under the covers. I didn't know where my father was. Finally around eight o'clock she started to move and woke up. She was on her back and looked at the ceiling. She turned and looked at me and said Wouldn't It Be Nice If We Had A Big Window In The Ceiling? I said I Don't Know. I asked her why she was sleeping in Danny's bed and she said I Missed Him. She sat up in the bed and stretched. I saw that all she had on was her bra and underwear. I didn't look at her and picked up my Archie comic book again. She got out of bed and asked me if I wanted french toast for breakfast. I nodded my head but didn't look at her. She left my room and I put down the comic book. Something is going on with my mom.

In the afternoon I went back into the sick room and Danny was sleeping. I have to find out what is going on in that room. Last night I didn't scream. I didn't yell when I saw all those awful things on the wallpaper. I know I can keep quiet and not say anything. I won't make my father look at me and tell me I'm stupid for doing things. I'll figure this out for Danny and me.

In the afternoon I didn't have anything to do so I watched _Father Knows Best_ , _Let's Make A Deal, Password, Art Linkletter's House Party_ and _To Tell The Truth_. It's cool to be able to see these shows during the day because I never get to see them during school. My mom usually watches her soap operas but she went to the store and visited one of her friends.

We had steak for dinner. My father is really good at cooking steaks. When my mom came home she bought three steaks, lettuce, potatoes and eclairs from the bakery for dessert. My father says he is the king of cooking steaks. He takes a skillet that he only uses for meat and puts a lot of salt in it. He then heats the pan up really hot and takes some water and drops it in. If it sizzles really fast the pan is ready for the steaks. When they hit the skillet it makes such a noise. He says That's The Fat Coming Off The Meat. I really like the smell of steaks cooking. My mom cooked up some bacon in a pan and got it really crispy. She then takes all the juice from the bacon and pours it over the salad. It's called wilted lettuce and boy is it good. Then she bakes the potatoes in our new toaster oven. It's really cool because she puts nails in the potatoes. She says it makes them cook faster. When everything was done we sat down and ate. It was so good. My father really likes to cook sometimes.

After dinner I helped my mom clean the dishes and my father went and watched TV. Danny just had a bologna sandwich because he said the smell of the steaks was turning his stomach.

When I was done helping my mom clean the dishes, I went into the sick room and sat with Danny. He had an eclair and we talked about what was going on. He seemed like the old Danny. I told him that I watched TV most of the day and we played a little Password. I tried to remember the words from today's show but when I couldn't I made the words up. It was fun.

When I said good night to Danny he asked me to come and sit next to him in bed. He asked me if anyone is picking on me in school. I told him No. He asked me if everything is okay with me at home. I told him mom is a little weird and our father is the same. He looked at me and said he loves me and that I am the best brother he could ever have. He said he can't wait to get better so he can teach me all kinds of things. We promised each other we will camp out in the backyard this summer and tell each other ghost stories. I told him I have a lot of ghost stories to tell him. He said that his friend Steve has a tent and we can borrow it and put it up in the yard. That is so cool! I told Danny that I really love him and I want him to hurry up and get better. I asked him if he is feeling better but he just looked at me and said No. He said he wanted to tell me something but he was embarrassed. He said there is something he can't tell anyone but he wanted to make sure I was safe. I didn't understand what he was saying. He said he wanted to tell me what was going on but he couldn't. He lay in bed and looked at me and started to cry. I started to cry too. He grabbed my hand and told me to stop but I couldn't. I told him I need him to get better. He just looked at me and said I'm Trying But Nothing Seems To Be Working. I lay down next to him and we cried. He said Don't Worry Teddy, I'm Always Here. I'll Get Better I Promise. I hugged Danny and went up to my bedroom and cried.

## 43

# Wednesday, Dec. 30, 1964

Danny died. Danny is dead. I got up this morning and when I went downstairs the sick room door was closed. It's never closed. I asked my mom why it was and she looked at me and told me to sit down at the kitchen table. I sat down and she said the angels took Danny to heaven last night. I just sat there and all of a sudden I couldn't hear anything. It was like bees were buzzing in my ears really hard. I was watching my mom talk but I couldn't hear anything she was saying. I looked over at the sick room door. I got up and walked over to it and opened it. My mom grabbed my arm but I pushed her away and walked into the room. She was talking to me but I couldn't hear anything. The sound of bees buzzing was all I heard. Danny was lying on his back in bed. I stood beside the bed and looked at him. His lips were blue and his face looked like chalk. It looked like he wet the bed too. Danny is dead. He really is dead. I could feel my mom hug me from behind and she started to cry. The bees were gone and I could hear her cry. I pushed her off of me and ran out of the room and out the back door. It was freezing outside and I was in my pajamas but I kept running through our backyard and out the gate and into the alley behind it. I ran into Mrs. Jaworski's backyard and climbed her tree. I climbed halfway up her tree and noticed my feet were bleeding. I wrapped my arms around a big branch and started to scream. I screamed and screamed and screamed.

My mom made me take one of her tiny blue pills after she got me home from Mrs. Jaworski's backyard. It made me feel really weird. I just sat on the couch and didn't feel like moving. I was awake but it felt like I was taking a nap at the same time. Everything moved slow.

Mr. Campbell from the funeral home came in our house with two other men with a metal cot on wheels. They rolled it out with a black shiny bag on top. Danny was inside it.

People came into our house all day. I don't remember seeing my father at all. I walked past the sick room when I had to go to the bathroom and saw my mom taking all the sheets and pillowcases off the bed. It felt like I was looking through water.

I sat in front of the TV but I didn't turn it on. Joey's mom came over and hugged my mom and said she'd stay with me so my mom could go to the funeral home. I could hear my mom upstairs in our bedroom. She came down with Danny's green suit that he got at Robert Hall's. She didn't have any socks or shoes. I don't remember if I talked to Joey's mom. We sat at the kitchen table and she just held my hand.

A priest came over after dinner but I don't remember who it was. He blessed me and my mom. I think my mom gave me another pill. My father wasn't there.

My mom put a record on the hi-fi and sat with me on the couch. She had the album cover on her lap. It was Kay Starr, The Fabulous Favorites. We listened to Side By Side and Hoop-Dee-Do. I like Hoop-Dee-Do. We sat there and didn't say anything. We listened to the music. I looked at the picture of Kay Starr on the album cover. She had a blue shirt on and it was the same color as the clam diggers my mom was wearing. I remember sitting there and wondering why her pants were called clam diggers. Kay Starr had pretty eyes and a nice smile. _Wheel Of Fortune_ played next and my mom grabbed my hand. The beginning of the song has the sound of the Big Six Wheel Of Fortune spinning. I thought of the Saint Francis Bazaar I didn't get to go to. She squeezed my hand and dropped her head down. I could tell she was crying. I thought I should be crying too but I didn't. I felt like I was standing underwater.

Kay Starr sang, Oh Wheel Of Fortune, I'm Hoping Somehow, If You Ever Smile On Me, Please Let It Be Now.

Danny's dead and I don't want to live in this house anymore.

_I 'm flying through the air way high up in the sky. My arms are spread out to my sides. I can see my house below me and I tilt into the wind and make circles over it. I'm flying closer to my house and I can see in the windows. I can see Danny in our bedroom lying on his bed reading a comic book. I'm flying past the front windows and I can see my father watching TV. I fly around the side of the house and can see my mom weeding in the rose garden. I can smell the roses. I fly up higher and look down at my house. It looks different. It looks bigger. I fly back down and see that the windows are twice the size as before. Other people are in the house. Older people dressed in black. Danny is pushing against the door to our bedroom while an old man and lady are pushing in. My mom is being dragged by her hair by an old man down the cellar stairs. My father is watching TV. I fly up higher into the sky and look down at my house. It is made of glass. I can see through all the walls and floors. I can see everything. My mom is lying in the dirt room screaming. Danny is locked in the sick room pounding on the door screaming Let Me Out. My mom is screaming as she's being swallowed by the dirt in the dirt room. My bedroom has waves crashing against all the walls. My parents' bedroom is on fire. My father is watching TV. Four huge black tornados are coming towards my house. One is in the front, one is on the side, one is in the backyard and one is on the other side. The tornados are gigantic. They stop and spin all around my house. The noise is so loud. I am standing on top of my house. The glass on the house starts to shake. The four tornados begin to tear apart and reach for each other. It looks like they have hundreds of arms. The four tornados are now one tornado and the house is in the center of it. I hear the buzzing of bees. The sound of bees is so loud I have to put my hands over my ears. The tornado is made of millions and millions of bees. Even with my hands over my ears I can hear the buzzing of the bees. It is so loud. Suddenly everything stops and is quiet. The tornado of bees is no longer moving. The house is surrounded by a towering round wall of bees floating very still. I look around with my eyes and make sure I don't move. The bees stay still. I will not move an inch. I have to blink my eyes because they are getting dry. I don't want to blink my eyes but they are stinging. I blink my eyes once and all the bees fly towards me and the sound is deafening. The bees are flying backwards. I can see millions of stingers coming towards me. My father is watching TV._

## 44

# Friday, Jan. 1, 1965

I won't take any more of those pills. I don't like the way they make me feel. Today is New Year's Day and it's a holiday. It's 1965.

Danny is at the Campbell Funeral Home on Sixth Street. My parents and I went there around 2 o'clock to see Danny for the first time. My father isn't talking.

When we got to the funeral home we were the only ones there because it was a holiday and they weren't open. The viewing hours are going to be Saturday and Sunday with the funeral on Monday.

The Campbell Funeral Home bought a big old brick mansion a long time ago when nobody lived in it anymore. It has tall white pillars out in front and a fancy wooden staircase inside. Danny was in room 1 and 2. Mr. Campbell told us whenever a young person as popular as Danny dies, there's always way more people who come to pay their last respects. He said the second room would also hold all of the flowers that couldn't fit in room number 1.

We walked past rooms 3 and 4. The lights were off but there was a dim light shining from somewhere because I could see the caskets, chairs and flowers. A black sign on a silver stand had the person's name. Number 3 was CORA McDONALD and number 4 was ALFREDO ALVAREZ BUYLLA. We walked up to Danny's sign. It had his name in white letters, DANIEL LAPINSKI. The I at the end of LAPINSKI was a little crooked. My mom fixed it. We just stood in front of room 1. It was weird to see Danny's name. The first thing I noticed was all the flowers and the smell. It smelled like someone pushed your face into hundreds of roses and made you take a really big sniff. They lined the walls and I could see a little bit of the ones that were in the other room. Then I saw Danny.

His casket was in the middle of the back wall and it looked like the flowers were spilling out the side and foot of the casket. My mom put her hand up to her face but my father kept walking straight towards Danny. Mr. Campbell took my mother's elbow and walked slowly up the aisle with her. There were a lot of folding chairs too. We all stood by the casket. Half of it was open and Danny was lying in it with rosary beads in his folded hands. The ring he made was on his finger. The inside of the casket was lined with white satin and his head was on a satin pillow. He had his Robert Hall suit on.

I looked at Danny's face. His mouth looked like it was pulling back a little. Like he was ready to make a frown but not all the way. Mr. Campbell said he thought he looked beautiful. I couldn't believe his head. His hair was cut into a short crew cut and you couldn't see any scars on it. My mom asked how they did it and Mr. Campbell said they have the finest makeup artist. Danny's face did look like it had makeup on. His cheeks were pink. My father just stared at Danny. Mr. Campbell put his hand on his shoulder and asked if they wanted to review the next couple of days and the funeral. They sat down on the chairs in the front row.

I stood and looked at Danny. It was him but it was just so weird to see him like this. He was dead. He wasn't alive anymore. I started to cry a little but I didn't want my parents or Mr. Campbell to see me so I moved past the casket and looked at the flowers. There was a huge blanket of red roses that was laid over the closed part of the casket. A white ribbon with gold letters spelled out OUR BELOVED SON AND BROTHER. Baskets and vases were filled with flowers and placed on different stands around the room. Each one had a white card that said, WITH DEEPEST SYMPATHY and the name of the person who sent it. I've never seen so many different flowers in my life. I went into room 2 and there were about thirty five more vases and baskets in there. I'll count how many are in room 1 and 2 tomorrow.

I went back into room 1 and my parents were still talking to Mr. Campbell. My father had his legs crossed and was looking towards the back of the room. It didn't look like he was listening. I went back to Danny and stood there looking at him. It was weird because I kept thinking he was going to open up his eyes and start laughing. I stood there and said to myself, Open Your Eyes Danny. But he didn't. He was really gone. He wasn't here anymore. I knelt down on the red velvet kneeler in front of the casket. I made the sign of the cross and folded my hands. I prayed, Dear God, Please Take My Brother Danny Into Heaven. He Is One Of The Nicest People You'll Ever Know. He Has Always Been The Best Brother To Me And Never Did Anything Bad In His Life. Please Let Him Have A Wonderful Everlasting Life In Heaven. Amen.

When I finished, I just looked at Danny's face. It really wasn't him. It really didn't look like him. The real him.

I feel like my stomach has been scooped out of my body. I've never felt this before. I'll never see him again. I put my face into my hands and started to cry. I started to cry very hard. My mom came over to me and we all left the funeral home.

When we got home my mom made boiled potatoes and pink salmon out of a can. It's not one of my favorites. My father sat in front of the TV and my mom sat on the couch. I'm up in my bedroom writing. I've decided to sleep in Danny's bed. I'm not going to sleep in my bed anymore.

## 45

# Saturday, Jan. 2, 1965

Today was the first day of viewing at the funeral home. We got up this morning and had breakfast. My mom made french toast for me and sunny side up eggs and bacon for my father. I don't remember what she ate. My father told us he'd be back by two o'clock. Viewing at the funeral home began at three and ended at five o'clock and then started again at six and ended at eight o'clock. It would be the same hours for Sunday. Mr. Campbell wanted us to be there a half hour before viewing. I don't know where my father went after breakfast.

When he left, my mom went down in the cellar and was there till noon. I don't have to go down there because I know what she's doing. I went into the sick room. It looked like it did before Danny was staying in it. All the sheets were cleaned and the bed was made and it didn't look like anyone had been in it. I sat on the chair and just stared at the bed. Danny was lying in the sick room bed on Wednesday. Today is Saturday and he will never be in this bed again.

Nobody is talking to me about Danny dying. My father hasn't said one word to me. My mom just hugs me and holds my hand sometimes. When I came back home from Mrs. Jaworski's backyard and she gave me one of her blue pills, we sat in the kitchen. She told me Danny had gone to heaven because Jesus needed another angel. I asked her why would God do something like that. She just looked at me and said, Jesus Works In Mysterious Ways.

My father got home at two o'clock and we were at the funeral home at two thirty.

Rooms 3 and 4 had all the lights on and there were about five people sitting down. A lady from room 3 came out when she saw us and said to my parents how sorry she was about Danny's death. She put her hand on my shoulder. When we got into our room my mom said she was Beth Ann McDonald and her mother had died. My mom knew her from the grocery store.

Danny looked the same as he did yesterday. I wonder how they keep him looking like that? What do they do to you when you die? Does he stay like that forever?.

When you walk into room 1 there's a stand on the left with a big white open book. People are supposed to write their name and address in it when they leave. I don't know why. There were also holy cards with a painting of Saint Francis on one side and on the other side was Danny's name, birthday, day of his death and a poem underneath. I was going to tape the prayer card into this journal but I won't be able to hold it when I say my prayers so I'll copy what was on the back.

> Daniel Michael Lapinski
> 
> July 12, 1948 - December 30, 1965
> 
> Broken Chain
> 
> By Ron Tranmer
> 
> _We little knew that morning that_
> 
> _God was going to call your name._
> 
> _In life we loved you dearly,_
> 
> _in death we do the same._
> 
> _It broke our hearts to lose you,_
> 
> _you did not go alone;_
> 
> _for part of us went with you_
> 
> _the day God called you home._
> 
> _You left us peaceful memories,_
> 
> _your love is still our guide,_
> 
> _and though we cannot see you,_
> 
> _you are always by our side._
> 
> _Our family chain is broken_
> 
> _and nothing seems the same,_
> 
> _but as God calls us one by one,_
> 
> _the chain will link again._

The poem talked about the chain! Danny told me about the chain but I don't know what it means.

I went over to my mom and showed her the prayer card and asked her who picked the poem. She said she saw it in a book and liked it. I put the card in my back pocket.

I couldn't believe how many people came to the funeral home for Danny. Almost everyone from my class was there, except Greg Kubiak. His parents said Greg was too upset to come and he was very sorry for our loss.

Everybody was so nice to me and my parents. We sat in these big stuffed chairs in front of the casket and everyone would come up and talk. Then they would turn around and kneel down on the red velvet kneelers and say a prayer. My friends asked me when I was coming back to school and I told them I didn't know. I thought I might cry when they talked to me about Danny but I didn't.

At the three to five viewing there were over sixty people who came. My mom told me people signed the book so she would know who came. She said we'd have to send a thank you note to everyone. I told her I thought it was stupid but she said it was the thing you did. I don't get it.

After the viewing we went to a bar that has great pizza on Sassafras Street and had pepperoni and mushroom pizza. My father never said a word.

At the six o'clock viewing my friend Joey came with his mom and dad. All the nuns from Saint Francis came too. Sister Ann asked how I was doing and I told her I feel really sad. She said that's how I should be feeling. She sat with me in room 2 and we talked about what a great brother Danny was. She told me I wouldn't have to come back to school until Monday the 11th, so I would have time with my parents at home. I asked her if I could come back sooner but she said it would be best if I came back on the 11th. She asked me if I was writing in my journal. I told her it's something I do every day. She really seemed happy I said that. She asked if I had seen anything in the house that frightened me. I told her no and she said maybe our prayer worked. She had a black bag with her and she pulled out a paperback book and gave it to me. It was a play called Our Town by Thornton Wilder. I have never read a play before. She told me to read it and tell her if I liked it. I can't wait. Sister said I should explore all the different features of writing. She is such a nice person.

Father Donovan came in and told us he'd be saying the rosary. Sister Ann got up and followed Father Donovan into room 1.

Joey was standing in the back by the prayer cards. He waved to me, so I went over and he said let's go somewhere else because the rosary is so long. We stood at the opening of room 1 and watched Father Donovan kneel down on the kneeler in front of Danny and begin to say the rosary. The nuns knelt down behind him and everybody else just sat in their seats. Almost everyone had rosaries except my father. I whispered to Joey we should probably stay. He grabbed my arm and we walked out past the other rooms and went over to the giant wooden staircase. He said the rosary was so long we'd get really bored. Joey wasn't an altar boy and wasn't used to sitting and praying the rosary but I kind of agreed with him. Plus I really wanted to do something else. We decided to go up the stairs and see what was up there. When we got to the top, half of it was walled off except for a room that said SHOWROOM. Joey went up to the door and opened it. It was dark inside but he found the light switch and turned it on. The room was filled with caskets. At first it was really weird seeing them but it was cool too. We shut the door behind us and looked at them. There were about ten and they were on these white columns about two feet tall and each had a name. One was called BASIC and it looked like it was made of the same wood as my Aunt Dolly's basement. Another one was called ETERNAL REST and it was shiny black and had silver handles on the sides. I saw Danny's casket. It was grey and called SLUMBER. But the biggest and most beautiful one was the ALPHA OMEGA. It was made of brown wood and polished shinier than the ETERNAL REST. We could see our faces in it. It had gold handles and a big thick base on the bottom.

Joey wanted to get into it but I said we'd get in trouble so we sat down on the floor between the ALPHA OMEGA and HEAVENS GATE.

Joey asked me what it was like having Danny die. I told him about feeling like my stomach wasn't there anymore. He said he didn't know any people who died around our age. His grandparents were dead but they were old. Danny was young. Then he farted and we started to laugh so hard. Joey is my best friend. I asked him if he wanted to stay overnight sometime but he got kind of weird. He asked me if he could tell me something and not get me mad. I said Sure. He said he was afraid to stay overnight at my house. I didn't say anything but I knew what he meant. We got up and went back downstairs just as they were finishing up the rosary.

Everybody left room 1 and hugged me and my parents. When they were all gone we got our coats and Mr. Campbell walked us out to the car. My mom asked me what book I was carrying and I told her Sister Ann gave it to me. She said that was really nice.

We're doing the same thing tomorrow. I'm really tired and going to bed. I miss Danny.

_D anny and I are sitting at the end of the Public Dock on the bay. He is dressed in his Robert Hall suit without any socks or shoes. We're holding fishing poles. Danny gets a bite and reels in his catch. A suitcase is hanging on the end of his hook. He looks at me and tells me it's time for me to leave._

_Sister Ann and I are in our classroom. She has a giant bucket of water in front of her. She stands up and puts her feet into the water. Her feet don't go under the water. She is standing on top of the water in the bucket. She steps out of the bucket and asks if I can do it. I stand up and walk over and put my feet into the bucket but my feet go under the water. She looks at me and says I'm not going to make it._

_I'm sitting in our backyard between the two giant evergreens.My hair is very long and some of it is in my mouth. I'm pulling out the hair in my mouth and I see my mom walking out of the back door of our house. My mom is standing in front of me and starts to put her hands through my hair. My hair is falling out in clumps but she still runs her hands through my hair. I am sitting between the giant evergreens and I am bald._

_I am sitting in front of Danny in his casket in room 1. Danny turns his head and looks at me. He asks me if I read his prayer card. I say yes. He looks at me and says, What Are You Waiting For?_

## 46

# Sunday, Jan. 3, 1965

I didn't have to serve Mass today because of Danny. Mom and I went to ten o'clock Mass, got our donuts and brought them home. My father didn't go to Mass. He didn't have breakfast with us in the kitchen. He sat in front of the TV and watched a show about trout fishing. My mom picked out what I should wear to the funeral home and left me in my room.

I started to read _Our Town_. It is so cool the way a play is written. Each person has something to say and you can follow what everyone is saying. I want to write like that.

Some of the stuff I'm reading is like nothing I've ever read before. I don't know how to describe it. I've never heard people talk like this before. I think it's a little more grown up than I've ever read. It's really something.

I was halfway through the play when my mom yelled upstairs it was time for me to get ready to go to the funeral home.

We got there a half hour before like yesterday and sat in those big chairs in front of Danny. He looked just like he looked yesterday.

My friend Mary Beth came today with her mom and dad. I took her into room 2 and showed her all the flowers. She couldn't believe it. So many of my friends and classmates have come. I've seen all my relatives and some cousins I never knew I had. We have a really big family.

The same things happened today. I had to stay for the rosary because my mom saw I wasn't there yesterday. I didn't mind. When everyone was gone Mr. Campbell explained what would happen tomorrow for the funeral. We have to be there at 8 o'clock in the morning. The funeral is at 9 o'clock. I wonder who the altar boys will be.

Mr. Campbell asked me if I wanted the statue of Jesus that was part of a flower arrangement. I remembered it because it was about seven inches tall and made out of something weird. He said it glowed in the dark. It's Jesus with his arms spread open and he's standing on top of the earth. I took it.

Before we left my mom asked Mr. Campbell if she could have what they had talked about. He went over to Danny's casket and took the rosary beads out of his hands and gave them to her. My father just sat there in the chair. Mr. Campbell turned around again, took the ring off of Danny's finger and gave it to my mom. She held them both in her hands and started to cry.

We didn't talk much in the car and when we got home I just went up to my room and read more of the play.

## 47

# Monday, Jan. 4, 1965

Today was an awful day. Today was the worst day of my life. I don't know if I even want to write down anything again. I just want to go to sleep. But I promised Sister Ann I'd write everything down in this journal so I'll keep my promise.

We went to the funeral home early. We knelt down in front of the casket while Father Donovan prayed and blessed Danny and us. Mr. Campbell closed the lid over Danny. I didn't like seeing that. I wish I hadn't seen that. The men from the funeral home started to roll the casket out of room 1 and I knew I would never see Danny again. They were rolling Danny out and going to put him inside the hearse. I ran over to the casket and yelled, Danny! The men stopped and my father came over to me. He hugged me. He hugged me so tight and we both started to cry. I couldn't believe he did that.

We rode in a black limousine from the funeral home behind the hearse. All the other cars drove behind us. Mr. Campbell said it was the longest procession he'd ever seen.

When we got to the church, Uncle Paul was on the top steps outside. He came in from Rome last night. Timmy Cipolla and Brian McNamara were the altar boys next to him. We got out of the limousine and walked behind the casket as the pall bearers carried Danny up into the church. I knew everything that was going to happen, since I've served so many funerals, but today was different. I just followed the casket and Uncle Paul as if I had never done it before. The first thing I noticed was the church was packed. There even were people sitting in the side aisles. We walked down the center aisle and the organ music played as the choir sang. I can't remember what they sang. That's the weird thing about today. I'm home now in my room writing but I almost don't remember today. Maybe I don't want to remember.

The funeral Mass was a high Mass and even more candles were lit on the altar. I just sat between my parents and watched. I sat and watched Danny's casket get draped with the purple and silver cloth. I watched the Mass being performed by my Uncle Paul. I got up at the end of the service and walked behind the casket as the choir sang May The Angels Lead You Into Paradise. I walked behind Danny's casket down the center aisle and out the front doors into the black limousine. I sat between my parents at Danny's new grave in the cemetery. I got up when it was over and went back into the limousine. I left Danny at the cemetery, forever. We came back to our house and everybody was there. They toasted Danny and hugged me and my parents and told stories about us. Everybody was drinking and everybody was saying how much they loved us. I don't feel like I am loved. I didn't feel like smiling. I wanted to tell everyone to get out of my house. I wanted to tell everyone that I hated them. I don't ever want to think about today again.

## 48

# Friday, Jan. 8, 1965

I haven't written in my journal for over three days. I just didn't feel like it.

Tonight I watched _The Munsters, Gidget, My Three Sons_ and _Bewitched_ before I went to bed. I could hear my parents watching Peyton Place when I turned my lights out. I've asked them to keep the hall light on when I go to bed. I just like it that way.

I don't think Danny can hear me. What if I'm all alone. What if Danny can't watch over me. What am I supposed to do?

_I 'm standing in the room at the funeral home where all the caskets are. They aren't on the little columns. They are all leaning against the wall. I walk over to the Alpha Omega casket and open the bottom half. The inside is black satin. I get into the casket and close the bottom half. All of the other caskets are to my right leaning against the wall. Rosary beads are folded in my hands. It feels good to be in the casket. My mom walks into the room and gets into the casket next to me and closes the bottom half. My father walks into the room and gets into the casket next to her and closes the bottom half. Danny is in the casket next to my father. As my mom says, Now We Are A Family, the top half of the caskets slam shut. First Danny, then my father, then my mom and finally me. I am lying inside the Alpha Omega casket with the rosary beads in my hands. I am smiling._

_I'm lying in my bed. I'm lying in Danny's bed, which is now my bed, and sleeping. I open up my eyes. I see a strange glow on the ceiling. It's green. I turn my head to the left and look over at my dresser. I see the statue of Jesus, from one of Danny's flower arrangements, standing on my dresser. Jesus is on top of the world with his arms outstretched. He is looking at me. He puts his arms down and walks off the top of the world and across my dresser. I'm watching the glow-in-the-dark Jesus walk over my dresser and begin to climb down the handles of my dresser. He is green and hanging from one handle to another. He grabs the first handle and lets go and grabs the one below him. He does this four times until he is on the carpet. I am watching the glow-in-the-dark Jesus walk across my bedroom rug and then stand next to my bed looking up at me. Glow-in-the-dark Jesus asks me What The Hell Have I Been Doing? Glow-in-the-dark Jesus asks me Why I Haven't Broken The Chain?_

_I tell him I don't know what he's talking about. Glow-in-the-dark Jesus begins to crawl up the side of my bed. Glow-in-the-dark Jesus crawls up to the covers on my bed and walks across my chest and looks at me. Glow-in-the-dark Jesus says, Teddy, You've Got To See What's Going On. Let's Face It, I Don't Exist, So You Are In Deep Shit. I tell him I pray every day and night to him. Glow-in-the-dark Jesus looks at me and says, Teddy, Run For Your Life._

## 49

# Saturday, Jan. 9, 1965

I'm writing in the afternoon around 4 o'clock. Joey's mom asked if I wanted to come over to their house today but I wanted to stay home. I've been staying in my room a lot since the funeral. My father went over to the club this afternoon and my mom didn't ask me to go with him. I'm glad.

I started to read, _Our Town_ , when my mom came into my room and sat down on my bed next to me. She asked me how I was feeling and I told her I just didn't know. She took my hand and held it for a while and then gave me Danny's ring. She told me I should always wear it in remembrance of him. I really like that. It fits on my finger pretty good. I thought I might have to add some yarn to it but I can wear it on my right hand next to my little finger. When I put it on it made me feel like Danny was right next to me.

My mom got off the bed and said she had something else to give me. She went into her room and came back in with a small paper bag. She sat back down and pulled out a wad of hair. The hair was dark and shaped into a circle almost like a cinnamon bun from the bakery. She told me that it was Danny's hair. When the nurses cut his hair off for the brain surgery they hated to throw it away since it was such beautiful hair. They took it and made it into a bun and gave it to my mother when he left the hospital. She kept it in her dresser drawer. She held the bun of hair in her hands and just looked at it. Then she put the hair up next to mine and said I could be her perfect son if I wanted to. I didn't like that. It felt weird. She slid Danny's hair down my face and under my chin and said I could take his place as her perfect son. I asked her what that meant. She just looked at me and stared. She put his hair in my hands and told me to make sure I take care of it. I asked her what I need to do with it and she said, Love It. She got up off my bed and went back downstairs. I don't know what she meant but I took Danny's hair and put it in the back of my top dresser drawer. I don't like looking at it.

It's midnight and I'm writing again. My father got home around 6 o'clock tonight and we all ate dinner. My mom made macaroni and cheese and fresh ham. It was really good. She had a salad all made but my father said that it was too much food. He was drunk so she didn't serve it.

After dinner he watched some TV and I went up to my room. I came down around 7:30 to watch Flipper and they told me they were going over to The Last Call. I really wanted them to stay home but I knew they wouldn't if I asked. I've never been alone in the house since the funeral.

After _Flipper_ I watched _Mr. Magoo_ and _Gilligan's Island_. I think the Professor is really neat. NBC Saturday Night At The Movies was playing Broadway Melody Of 1940 with Fred Astaire and Eleanor Powell. I really love this movie. I can't believe what great tap dancers Fred and Eleanor are. They dance in the movie but the greatest dance of all is a song called _Begin The Beguine_. I know the song because my father has the record and he plays it all the time. I have no idea what a Beguine is. Artie Shaw is the band leader and it was written by a man named Cole Porter. I read that on the album cover.

The movie is the greatest thing to watch. Fred and Eleanor dance on this giant dark mirror and it's so cool how they try to out dance each other. In the middle of the number, Fred starts to dance some steps but Eleanor kind of answers back by tapping out more than Fred did. They go back and forth until they just start dancing together on the giant mirror stage. It is so neat. I wish I could tap dance. I wish I could dance like Eleanor Powell. She can totally match every step with Fred Astaire and he's the best dancer in the world.

Right at the end of the movie I heard the closet door start to slam from the sick room. I pretended not to hear it until the movie ended but I heard it. At the end of NBC Saturday Night At The Movies they had coming attractions for next week. The movie is going to be _To Kill A Mockingbird_. It looks really good. I like the actor Gregory Peck. I saw him in _Roman Holiday_ with Audrey Hepburn last year on TV. The closet door kept slamming in the sick room. I just stared at the TV and listened to the slamming until my parents got home.

I don't know what to do anymore. Something bad is in our house. Danny is dead and I feel so alone. Even with my parents home I'm alone. I don't like it here.

## 50

# Sunday, Jan. 10, 1965

I served Mass for the first time today since Christmas vacation. I notice people treating me different since Danny died. They look at me weird. I think they're trying to be nice but everybody stops talking when I walk by them. I went and got donuts at the bakery after Mass and it was packed. When they saw me come in, they gave up their place in line and let me go up to the counter first. I was embarrassed.

When my mom and I got home my father had just gotten up. He didn't go to church today.

We sat at the kitchen table and I read the comics while my father started yelling about a man named Martin Luther King Jr. He's a Negro who is trying to register other Negros to vote. I won't even say what my father called him.

When I was reading the TV section my father slapped me on the shoulder and said a guy named Joe Namath was being signed up by the Jets. He looked at me for a second and asked if I knew what he was talking about. I said No. He stood there and looked at me and then he said, Of Course You Don't. You're Nothing Like Your Brother Danny. Danny Was A Real Boy. You're A Girl. He put the Sports Page down on the table and went into the living room and turned on the TV. He really hurt my feelings.

I've been itchy on my arms and chest. I've got these red blotches. My mom looked at me and said I have hives. She said she had them when she was a kid and she was going to make an appointment with the doctor to see me. I really don't want to go to the doctor. She put a pink lotion on them with cotton balls. It really took the itch away but boy did it feel cold.

My father started drinking around 1 o'clock in the afternoon and kept on going into the night. My mom went down into the cellar and I spent the afternoon in my room and finished the play, Our Town. I really like plays. I'm so glad Sister Ann gave it to me. I can't wait to tell her when I get back to school tomorrow.

I feel closer to Danny when I'm in our room. I like sleeping in his bed. I'm not used to him not being here. I keep thinking he's downstairs below me and getting better. I know he's not but I'm just not used to it yet.

I wonder if he can see me right now? Is he watching over me?. If I was in trouble I know Danny would protect me. That's why I feel safe in my bed now. In Danny's bed. It's my bed now. Everyone says that Danny is an angel and angels protect people. That means he would never let anything bad happen to me. He's an angel now and I'm wearing his ring. I'll bet all I have to do is rub his ring on my finger and he'll be at my side. Like a guardian angel. Danny is my guardian angel. I'm not going to be afraid anymore.

_I am flying through the air. I am on my back and flying through the air. I can only see a blue sky above me. I think to myself, I never knew I could fly. I lean over to the left and my body flies to the left. I turn over onto my stomach and I can see the land below me. I can see all the houses. I see Saint Francis Church below me. I fly over our house. I am so happy. I feel wonderful. I never knew I could fly before._

_I see Danny standing in our backyard waving at me. I push my body down and fly towards him. I reach my hand down to him and he takes it. Danny and I are holding hands and flying higher in the air. He looks at me and smiles. I look at him and smile back. Danny and I are flying through the air on a beautiful day. I am so happy._

## 51

# Monday, Jan. 11, 1965

Today was my first day back at school. When I got into my classroom everybody came up to me and asked me how I was. I liked that. Even Greg Kubiak asked me how I was. When we started our first lesson Sister Ann talked about me. She said how happy she was having me back in school and everyone in the class was happy to see me. She said I had a very sad thing happen to me and my family. She said sometimes bad things happen in life but we have to carry on and move forward. She said all we have to do is place our faith in God and we will always find the answer. After she said that, I felt like I had never been away from school. Everything seemed normal again.

Most of the students at Saint Francis stay in the cafeteria for lunch but since I live so close to the school I can go home. There are only four of us who go home for lunch.

My mom always has my lunch ready for me at noon. Today she made kielbasa sandwiches. Boy were they good. I like them with ketchup. She and I had a great lunch together. I love my mom even though she acts weird sometimes.

I left around 12:45 and walked back to school. When I got to the railroad tracks I saw a bunch of kids walking towards me. They were from the public school that is about four blocks from my house in the other direction. I went to kindergarten at their school. Everyone says that the kids that go to public school are nasty because they don't believe in God. I knew they weren't nice kids. They are older and always make fun of me when I see them. I took my thumb on my right hand and rubbed Danny's ring. I asked Danny to make me invisible. One of the kids who always calls me a queer looked at me and didn't say anything. I walked past them and for the first time they didn't say anything to me. I knew Danny was my guardian angel. I knew if I rubbed his ring I would be safe. Then I felt the rock hit my head. I fell down to my knees and heard them laughing at me. They called me a big queer. I knew I couldn't cry. I couldn't let them see me cry. The kid who always calls me names told me to walk a different way to school next time. I just stayed on the ground and waited for them to go away. I had rubbed Danny's ring and nothing happened. I rubbed his ring for protection but I got hit with a rock. The back of my head hurt. I'm tired of getting hurt. I'm tired of having people make fun of me. I haven't done anything wrong. I follow all the rules. I do everything I'm supposed to do. Why am I kneeling on the ground waiting for the mean kids to walk away from me? I really want to hurt them.

_I am sleeping in my bed and it is the middle of the night. I open my eyes and hear a dog crying. I lie there and listen. I hear it again. A dog is crying. The crying is coming from under my bed. Did my parents get me a puppy? I've always wanted a dog but my father would never let us get a dog. I hear the crying again. Maybe they got me a puppy since Danny died. Now I hear the puppy panting. My parents got me a puppy and put it under my bed to surprise me._

_I get on my stomach and put my hand over the side of the bed and try to feel the puppy underneath. My hand reaches underneath the bed. I feel licking on my hand. The puppy is licking my hand. I can't believe it. I've got a puppy!_

_It must be so scared underneath my bed. I lean all the way over the side of my bed and look underneath to see the puppy. I look under the bed but I don't see a puppy. I see my grandfather's face. I see my grandfather licking my hand. I scream and pull my hand out from underneath the bed but my grandfather grabs it and pulls me out of bed and onto the floor. He starts to pull me underneath the bed. I put my foot on the side of the bed and try to push away but he is stronger than me. He pulls me underneath my bed and puts his arms around me. He is smiling at me. His smile is big. Too big. He looks at me and begins to lick my face. I scream again and reach towards his mouth. I reach into his mouth and grab his tongue. My grandfather begins to laugh at me and his jaw drops down lower from his mouth and he moves closer to my face. His jaw moves down even lower and I can see he's going to put my head in his mouth. I let go of his tongue but he is putting my head in his throat. I am screaming. His breath smells like spoiled milk. My head is in his mouth. It's hard for me to breathe. I can't scream anymore. Everything is black._

## 52

# Tuesday, Jan. 12, 1965

Today was a weird day. School was okay. Nothing much happened during classes but my mom had me go to the doctor after school. She took me to a dermatologist to look at my hives. His name is Doctor Schultz and Danny had gone to him before for acne, I think. We sat in the waiting room and when the nurse called my name my mom and I went into the doctor's office. He said how sorry he was about Danny and asked how we were doing. My mom told him that I started to get hives about a month ago. He said that it wasn't surprising for me to start to get hives because of all the stress I am under. I really don't know what he was talking about. I don't know what he meant about stress. He said he wanted to examine me and see the hives. First he asked me to take off my shirt. I took it off and he looked at me and saw the hives on my arms, on my side and on my back. Then he asked me to take my pants off. I felt kind of weird taking my pants off in front of my mom but at least I had my underwear on. I had a hive behind my right leg and on my left ankle. Then he asked me to pull down my underwear. I just stood there and didn't know what to do. My mother was sitting right there looking at me. I didn't want to pull my underwear down in front of my mother. Why didn't Doctor Schultz ask my mother to wait outside? I didn't know what to do. I took my thumb and rubbed Danny's ring and asked him to help me. Nothing happened. Doctor Schultz asked me to pull down my underwear again. What happened then was really weird. I pulled my underwear down but all of a sudden it felt like I was looking down at myself from the ceiling. I could see myself pull my underwear down from up in the air. I don't know how else to describe it. Dr. Schultz pulled my underwear down further past my knees and looked at me. And my mother looked at me too. I felt like I wasn't there. I felt like I was up on the ceiling looking down at myself. He asked me to turn around and I did. I turned around in front of my mother. I felt like I wasn't in the room.

He told me to pull my underwear back up and get dressed. He told my mother to keep on giving me something called Calamine lotion and if things got really bad to soak me in a tub full of tea bags.

We left the doctor's office and I can't remember anything my mother said to me in the car or even during dinner. I went up to my room after supper and didn't watch TV.

Why didn't Doctor Schultz ask my mother to leave the room when he asked me to pull my underwear down? I'm twelve years old. I'm not a baby. I was embarrassed. Why did my mother stay and look at me? Why didn't Danny help me when I rubbed his ring?

## 53

# Wednesday, Jan. 13, 1965

I had a hard time in school today. I just couldn't pay attention to the different lessons. I used to really like learning things in school but now I'm feeling like I just don't care. Thomas O'Brien asked me during recess if my brother's ghost had visited me yet. I just looked at him and didn't say anything. He said when his grandmother died he could hear her crying in the middle of the night from her bedroom. He said it really scared him but his mother said it was the next door neighbor's cat in heat. I walked away and went back into my classroom.

Sister Ann was sitting at her desk and told me she had another play for me to read. It's called _Harvey_. She said I'd really like it. It is written by a lady named Mary Chase and she won a big award for it.

When I came home from school my mother was coming up from the cellar. She said she had to go out shopping for a while.

I don't know why, but when she left I went down there. I just stood and looked over at the washing machine. I knew she had been doing her weird stuff because there wasn't any laundry around. I don't know what made me go down but I did. I never really thought about what my mother did down there. I never talked about it to Danny. Why didn't I? What she does is really weird. Am I going to turn out like her? Am I going to drink a lot like my parents? I went back upstairs and watched some TV and then went to the dining room table and started to read _Harvey_. I like it so far.

My father came home in a bad mood and we ate dinner. My father doesn't even talk to me that much since Danny died. He talked to my mother during dinner and I talked about the new play I was reading but he didn't even pay attention to me. I don't like my father. I know that's a bad thing to say but I don't like him.

After dinner I did my homework and went to bed early to read my play in bed. I'm sleeping in Danny's bed but I don't feel like Danny is around anymore. I thought he was my guardian angel. I thought I'd be able to feel him around me. I thought his ring was going to protect me. I lay in bed and didn't feel anything. I feel so alone right now. His ring was supposed to help me. To protect me. It's not working. I don't feel safe in my house anymore.

_I wake up and I'm under my bed. It's night and I'm lying on my back underneath my bed. Everything is quiet. I turn my head to the left and I can see the bottom of my dresser. I turn my head to the right and I can see what's underneath the bed I used to sleep in. It's dark under there. I look up and see the wooden boards that are holding up my mattress. There are four wooden boards. Everything is quiet. Then the wooden boards begin to creak. I watch as the wooden boards begin to wiggle and make creaking noises. My bed begins to float up in the air. I lie there and watch my bed float up to the ceiling. The wooden boards underneath my bed are now floating all by themselves under the bed. They are no longer holding up my mattress. They are floating down to me. Each wooden board starts to bend and creak as it floats down to me lying on my carpet. The wooden boards are bending. They are bending into arches. All four wooden boards float down and cover me. One is over my head. One is over my chest. One is over my waist. One is over my feet. There are four wooden arches over me. My body begins to turn to the right and I roll up to the side of the wooden arches. I tilt into the wooden arches and they roll me into them. I am cradled inside the wooden arches. They begin to rock back and forth. I am rocking back and forth in the wooden arches like a baby. My bed is floating above me and I am being rocked to sleep by the wooden boards that hold my mattress up. I am crying._

## 54

# Thursday, Jan. 14, 1965

I was so tired when I got home from school today. I took a nap and didn't even watch TV. Dinner was okay. My father yelled at me for shaking my leg under the table when we were eating. He said if I didn't stop he'd take me to the doctor to see if I had something called Saint Vitus Dance. Whatever that means. I'm writing only because I have to write something every day. My parents are downstairs watching TV and I'm going to bed.

It's 3:30 in the morning and the scariest thing happened to me just now. I'm up in my bedroom and I'm writing at my desk with my flashlight on. I can hear my father snoring and I have to be really quiet. At first I thought I was dreaming but I'm not quite sure. My grandma was in my bedroom tonight. I opened my eyes and she was sitting at the foot of my bed looking at me. The weird thing is I wasn't scared at first. She sat there and smiled at me and said Hello Teddy. She's my mom's mother. I don't know how I can write what just happened because I don't think I'll get it all down right, so I'm going to write it like a play. I can write it down like characters in the play I'm reading, like in _Harvey_.

GRANDMA

Hello Teddy.

* * *

ME

Grandma is that you?

* * *

GRANDMA

Yes honey it's me.

* * *

ME

Am I dreaming?

* * *

GRANDMA

I don't know Teddy. I really don't

know what's happening.

* * *

ME

Why are you here?

* * *

GRANDMA

I think I'm here to protect you.

* * *

ME

From who?

* * *

GRANDMA

You know who honey.

* * *

ME

Grandpa?

* * *

GRANDMA

Yes. And the others.

* * *

ME

What others?

* * *

GRANDMA

They're coming.

* * *

ME

Are you really here?

* * *

GRANDMA

I think I am.

* * *

ME

But you're dead Grandma.

* * *

GRANDMA

I'm dead.

* * *

ME

You're scaring me.

* * *

GRANDMA

Oh Teddy I don't mean to. I'm so

sorry. Don't be afraid. I just

don't know where I've been.

* * *

ME

Did you go to heaven?

* * *

GRANDMA

No, I didn't.

* * *

ME

What happened to you when you died?

* * *

GRANDMA

I. . . closed my eyes . . . and I

think I've been dreaming since.

* * *

ME

What did you dream?

* * *

GRANDMA

I dreamt of nothing.

* * *

ME

Did you meet God?

* * *

GRANDMA

No, I never met anyone.

* * *

ME

Didn't Saint Peter meet you

at the gates of heaven?

* * *

GRANDMA

No, nothing like that ever happened.

I just feel a heaviness on me.

* * *

ME

The Virgin Mary didn't take you by the

hand and present you to God?

* * *

GRANDMA

No, nothing like that ever happened.

I don't know where I've been Teddy.

* * *

ME

Grandma, there has to be a heaven. Maybe

you just don't know how to get there.

* * *

GRANDMA

I don't know Teddy. I feel as if I've just

been floating. Floating in the dark.

* * *

ME

But we're Catholic Grandma. When we

die we go to heaven. Have you seen Danny?

* * *

GRANDMA

Danny? Why would I see Danny?

* * *

ME

He died grandma. Danny died two weeks ago.

* * *

GRANDMA

Oh no. My beautiful Danny.

* * *

ME

Grandma this can't be right. When we die we go to heaven or hell. There's no way you'd go to hell because you never committed a mortal sin. You're supposed to go straight to heaven grandma.

Why aren't you in heaven?

* * *

GRANDMA

I don't know Teddy. I just didn't go anywhere.

* * *

ME

But where are you Grandma?

* * *

GRANDMA

I'm here Teddy and I think I was dreaming. I think I was holding you in my arms. You were so afraid and I just had to take you up in my arms and hold you. I rocked you. I rocked you in my arms.

* * *

ME

What's happening Grandma?

* * *

GRANDMA

Bad things Teddy.

* * *

ME

What am I supposed to do?

* * *

GRANDMA

Teddy, I love you. I don't know just what is happening or where I am right now, but I had to come and see you. You have to be careful Teddy. You can't let the same things happen

over and over again.

* * *

ME

What things Grandma?

* * *

GRANDMA

Bad things. I was too afraid to say anything.

Maybe that's why I'm in the dark.

* * *

ME

What things Grandma?

* * *

GRANDMA

Get out of the house Teddy. Get out of the house before it happens and they all come to get you.

* * *

Then she just disappeared. She was sitting on the end of my bed talking to me and then she was gone. I know I wasn't dreaming because I got up and shut my bedroom door and came over to my desk to write this down in my journal. Why didn't my grandma go to heaven? Why didn't she know Danny was dead? Why is my grandfather scaring me? Who are the others? I don't know what's happening to me. I think I'm going crazy.

_I am locked in the sick room. Someone has locked the door and I can't get out. I am sitting on the side of the sick room bed and all the lights go out._

_I am sitting in the living room in my father's chair and my grandmother is sitting in a wheelchair. Her eyes have been scooped out of her head. I ask her what happened and she says, I Didn't Clean Up The Mess._

_I'm in the cellar sitting in the dirt room. I can see an old, old man slowly floating towards me from the furnace room. He is dressed in a black suit and his eyes and mouth are sewn shut. He floats into the dirt room and I am scared to death. He is floating right in front of me and he is trying to say something but his lips are sewn too tight. I can't move. He is making terrible noises with his sewn mouth. He takes his hands and starts to scratch at his lips. He takes both of his hands and starts to pull at the string that is shutting his mouth. Blood is pouring out from his lips as he pulls out the strings from his mouth._

## 55

# Friday, Jan. 15, 1965

I had a real hard time in school today. I just don't want to go anymore. I can't believe I feel this way. I've always done what I'm supposed to do and followed all the rules but I'm tired of being picked on. I'm tired of having people make fun of me. I don't like it.

When I was about to leave school today, Sister Ann asked me if everything was alright at home. I told her it's okay. She said if I ever want to talk about anything, she is always there for me. I thanked her and gave her back the play _Harvey_. I told her I really liked it. She had another play for me to read called _Arsenic and Old Lace_ , written by Joseph Kesserling.

Sometimes I wish she was my mother. I know that's a terrible thing to say. My mother loves me and takes care of me but Sister Ann always seems to want to make sure that I'm doing okay. I know my mom does but I don't think Sister acts as weird as my mom does. I just don't know what's going on and I feel so weird at home.

When I got home after school my mom asked me to go to the grocery store. I went to the East Avenue Grocery and got hamburger meat, buns, onions, bread and tomatoes. When I got in the checkout line I saw they were selling The World's Greatest Classical Recordings. Every month if you purchase over five dollars worth of groceries you can buy one of these records for $1.25. My father always tells my mom that he likes the classical records, so she always buys them. I figured I would do the same since this is the new record for January. It has the composers Igor Stravinsky, Aaron Copland and Samuel Barber. I didn't know who they were but I couldn't wait to get home and listen to them. When I got home my mom was glad I bought it so I put it on the hi-fi in the living room and listened. All I can say is WOW. I've never heard music like this before. I've heard Beethoven, Brahms, Mozart and Mendelssohn, all from the records we buy from the East Avenue Grocery but nothing has ever sounded like this. The first song on side one is Samuel Barber's "Adagio for Strings Opus 11." I just don't get what an Adagio or Opus is but when I heard the music it made me almost cry. I don't know what happened to me. I lay on the floor, in the middle of our hi-fi, and listened to the piece over and over again. The violins are so beautiful but so sad. How can music be so sad? How can you write something like that and know the sound of the notes will be so sad? I just can't believe it. No other piece of music has made me ever want to cry like that. Tomorrow I'm going to listen to the other songs by Copland and Stravinsky.

My father brought home fish and french fries from the club. I could tell he had a couple of drinks when he was there. We ate at the kitchen table. I told him I got a new classical record from the grocery store. He looked at me and just stared. I told him who the composers are. He said he never heard of any of them. I told him I listened to Barber and really liked it. He looked at me and asked me why I don't like to play sports. I didn't say anything. He asked me why I don't like to watch the nature shows he and Danny liked to watch on TV. I could tell he was starting to get angry. My mom didn't say anything. He asked me why I am such a sissy. That really hurt my feelings. I know my father doesn't like me but I thought he liked classical music and I thought he would have been happy I got a new record. He wasn't. My mom asked if he wanted more french fries but he gave her a nasty look and turned back to me. He looked at me and told me I am a disappointment to him. He finished his beer and my mom got him another one. I just sat there and didn't say anything. I had already finished my dinner and I knew my mom had made tapioca pudding for dessert. He sat there and drank his beer and just stared at me. My mom didn't say anything. I asked to be excused from the table but he said NO. I really thought he was going to be happy about the classical record I bought. I wanted to tell him how much I liked the "Adagio For Strings Opus 11." I wanted to ask him what an Adagio and Opus was but he just stared at me and I was to afraid too ask. My mom got out the tapioca pudding and got him another beer. I really like it when my mom makes tapioca but my father just kept staring at me and it made me scared. I finished the tapioca and just sat there. My mom cleared the table. My father looked at me and said, You Are Nothing Like Your Brother.

After dinner they went out to The Last Call around 7:00 o'clock. I was happy they left the house.

I watched The Wild, Wild West, I really like Robert Conrad. Then I watched _The Addams Family_ and _Gomer Pyle_. I was going to start watching Mister Roberts but I heard something in the cellar. I tried to ignore it and watch TV but the sound was coming up from the floor registers. I really got mad. I don't want to have to do this anymore. I don't want to be afraid in my house anymore so I got down on the floor and put my ear to the metal register and listened. At first I didn't hear anything and just felt the warm air coming up from the furnace. But then I heard it. I heard a voice. I heard a voice asking me to come down into the cellar. I could hear _Mister Roberts_ on the TV behind me but the voice coming up from the floor register was louder. It told me to come down stairs and say hello. I turned to the register and yelled, Leave Me Alone. But then I heard it say it wasn't going to hurt me. It wasn't going to scare me. It just wanted to be my friend. What wanted to be my friend in the cellar? Who wanted to be my friend? Then I heard Danny's voice. Teddy Come Down To The Dirt Room. It was Danny! It was Danny's voice! I jumped up off the floor register and ran through the dining room and into the kitchen. I opened the cellar door and turned on the light. I ran down the stairs past all the canned goods on both sides of the wall and into the washing room. I ran past the stationary tub and grabbed the string for the light in the furnace room. I saw all the metal arms going up into the floor above me in the furnace room and ran to the opening of the dirt room. I was breathing hard. The dirt room was very dark. All I had to do was take a couple of steps inside and grab the string and pull the light on. But I didn't. I stood outside the dirt room and tried to catch my breath. That's when I started to hear something. At first I couldn't tell what it was. It sounded like something moving in the dark in front of me. I looked down at my feet and saw dirt rolling towards me. At first it was just a little bit but then it really started to roll down harder. I started to stretch out my arm and try to grab the string for the light but I wasn't close enough. The dirt was coming towards my feet faster. I looked into the dark and yelled out, DANNY? And that's when I heard laughing. Not regular laughing but a really high pitched laughing. I couldn't move. The dirt stopped. Everything was quiet but then I hear a voice say, Who's Behind You Teddy? I didn't move. I shut my eyes so tight it hurt. I turned around and ran out of the furnace room and through the washing room and up the stairs. I slammed the cellar door and ran through the dining room and into the living room. I stopped and saw _The Man From U.N.C.L.E_ on the TV. I just stood there and didn't know what to do. I ran to the front windows of the living room and looked outside at The Last Call across the street. I could hear Napoleon Solo on the TV behind me but I could also hear the voice coming up from the floor registers. It was calling my name in Danny's voice. I can't live here anymore.

## 56

# Saturday, Jan. 16, 1965

When I got up this morning I decided I was going to ask my mom about our house. I'm going to ask her if anything happened here. Anything bad. I know I'm not crazy. I know things are happening to me for some kind of reason. Why am I seeing all these bad things? Is that the reason she is praying down in the cellar? Is there something really scary and awful in the dirt room? That has to be the reason she's always down there. I'll bet she is praying to protect me and she doesn't know I've been seeing horrible things. If she knew her father was scaring me and her mother was trying to talk to me, I bet she would really be mad and want to know. I'm going to start to see if I can find out what really is going on. One thing I have to make sure of is to talk to her before she starts to take those blue pills. She acts a little strange after she's taken a couple of them.

It made me feel better this morning making a plan. I like this plan.

After breakfast I went over to Joey's house and we watched TV and listened to the radio. The Supremes have a new song out called, "Come See About Me." We listened to station WJET and they played it once every hour from noon to four o'clock. That is so cool! Joey's mom asked me if I wanted to stay over for dinner, so I called home and my mom said Yes. Joey's dad even said he'd take me home afterwards. Joey has the best parents around. They are so cool. What I like about them is when you stay for dinner, everybody talks about stuff. Joey has a brother and a sister who are younger than us. We all sit at their kitchen table during dinner and talk about things that are happening in the world. That's how I learned about what's happening in Vietnam. His mom talked about that and some of it I didn't understand, but that's okay because they don't yell at you if you don't really get it. Joey's mom and dad always say to Keep An Open Mind And Heart And You'll Never Go Wrong. They are so cool. We got into this big discussion about which Catholic holiday was more important. Christmas or Easter? I said Christmas because if Jesus Christ hadn't been born then there would never have been a Catholic faith. But Joey's mom said it was Easter because if Christ hadn't died for our sins on the cross and risen from the dead in three days and ascended into heaven to prove he was our Savior, we wouldn't have any religion at all. Joey's dad agreed with me and Joey agreed with his mom. They are so neat! Nobody yelled or screamed just because we didn't come up with the same answer. I still think the answer is Christmas because if you don't have a Jesus Christ, you don't have anything.

We had apple bread for dessert and I asked the question if anyone believed in ghosts. Joey's mom and dad looked at each other kind of funny and asked me why I asked the question. At first I didn't want to say the real reason I asked it but I knew I could ask them and not get yelled at. I told them that I think I saw my grandmother's ghost. Joey's mom told his brother and sister to go into the living room and watch TV. Joey's dad asked me what I saw and I told him. He said that I was probably dreaming and ghosts really don't exist. Joey said that we saw enough movies to prove that ghosts exist but his mom said that was just Hollywood and everything was made up. His dad asked me how I was doing without Danny. That's the first time anyone asked me that. I told him how much I miss him and that I am sleeping in his bed. Joey's dad said things were going to seem strange for awhile but with time, everything is going to work out. He told me to pray to Danny because I now have an advocate in heaven for me. I asked him to explain the word advocate and he did. Joey's mom asked me if I had dreamt of Danny yet. When she asked me that question I didn't know what to say. It was so weird. It made me start to think of the last dream I had and I really can't remember any. I remember a dream I had last Halloween because I was flying through the air on my bike, but I can't remember any of my dreams since then. She looked at me and said maybe there's a reason I'm not remembering. I don't like not remembering. I should remember my dreams.

After dinner Joey's mom asked if I wanted to stay overnight. It's weird. I hate my house sometimes but I don't want to be away from it. I've stayed overnight at Joey's before but I get this awful feeling inside that I should have gone home. I'd lie awake in the bed we'd share in his room and think how much better it would be if I was in my own bed. How much better I'd feel with my own lamp and comic books next to me. I can never really have a good time if I stay overnight at Joey's. I really, really want to but I can't. I don't understand that about me.

Joey's dad drove me home and my parents were watching TV. My father never got out of his chair when Joey's dad came to the front door. He says he doesn't like him. He calls him a holy roller pinko. Whatever that means.

When he left my mom said to go up to their bedroom and see the surprise. I went up the steps and couldn't believe what I saw. Another TV! It was on a gold metal stand next to my mom's dresser. It was right in front of their bed. She said I could watch shows in their room when they were watching their programs downstairs. WOW! Tonight I lay in their bed and watched _Flipper_ , _I Dream Of Jeannie_ and _Get Smart_ and at the same time they were watching downstairs, _Jackie Gleason_ and _The Trials Of O'Brien_. That is so cool! I was really tired after _Get Smart_ so I went to bed and read some of my comic books and wrote in my journal. I didn't think today would be so great.

_I am sitting in church. I am sitting in the first pew in front of the communion rail looking up at the giant figure of Christ on the cross hanging above the altar. Christ looks out to me and says he's tired of hanging on the cross. He pulls his right arm really hard and pulls away from the nail that is piercing his wrist. With his free right hand he then pulls the nail out of his left wrist and then bends down and pulls the nail out of his feet. He jumps off of the cross and comes towards me leaving a trail of blood where he has walked. He opens up the communion rail and steps down to the first row of pews and sits next to me. He asks me, Do You Know How Much That Hurts? Do You Have Any Idea What It Is Like To Be Nailed To A Cross For Hours? I look at Christ and say, Do You Have Any Idea What It's Like To Live In My House?_

_Christ looks at me and says, I See Your Point._

## 57

# Sunday, Jan. 17, 1965

I served Mass at ten o'clock today. Greg Kubiak was the other altar boy. He got to the church before me and was already in the Sacristy by the time I got there. Father Donovan said Mass. After Mass, Greg and I went downstairs to change out of our vestments. I could tell he wanted me to go in front of him when we were getting near the stairs. I think he was afraid of me. I liked that. I've never had anybody afraid of me before. It felt good. I made sure I slowed down when we got closer to the stairs. He stopped at the top and just stood there. I looked at him and said, What Are You Afraid Of? Do You Think I'll Push You Down Again? He just looked at me and went down the stairs holding onto the handrail with both hands, looking over his shoulder at me the whole way down. I was really happy I said that to him. I like that he's afraid of me.

When I got home we had our donuts and I read the comics at the kitchen table. My father didn't go to Mass again. He went into the living room and watched sports on TV for the rest of the afternoon. My mom was doing the wash in the cellar because I could hear the washer and dryer going. I went up to my room and started to read _Arsenic and Old Lace_. I was sitting at my desk and I started to cry. I put the play down and I just started to cry. I miss Danny so much. I try so hard to believe that he's really gone but I just keep thinking I'll see him. I think I'm going to see him when I come home from school. I think I'm going to see him when I wake up in the middle of the night sleeping in our room. I know he died. I know he's not coming back but how am I supposed to get over feeling so alone when I come home? Everybody tells me that I'll feel him in my heart and he's always there to listen to me. But he's not. I don't feel him in my heart or anywhere. All I feel is hurt. I hurt so bad because I miss him. I try to do all I'm supposed to do. I go to school, go to church, be an altar boy, but I don't want to do it without Danny. Why did Danny have to die? Why did God take him away? I don't care if God needed another angel. Why did he take my brother away? Why would God allow things to scare me? God has to know my grandma visited me. God has to know my grandfather is scaring me. Why is God letting these things happen? I go to church every Sunday! I follow all the commandments. I'm a good boy! Why isn't a saint coming to protect me when I see these things in my house? Is anybody in Heaven watching over me? Is God watching over me? I don't feel like they are. I feel like I'm all alone.

Where are you God? Where are you saints? I need your help. Please, please help me. I can't do this all by myself. Please Virgin Mary, intercede for me and let God know I need help. I'm afraid. I want to feel Danny inside my heart. I want Danny as my guardian angel. Where are you Danny? Are you in Heaven? Why isn't grandma in Heaven? I don't know what's going on. Everything I've been taught was supposed to help and protect me. Why do I feel so alone? I miss you Danny. I love you so much. Why did you die? Why did you leave me alone here? Why did God let you die?

_I am sleeping in my bed. I am sleeping in my bed and I open my eyes. I can hear my parents in their bedroom. They're doing things. I don't want to hear them. I put my pillow over my head. I feel something around my waist. Something is tied around my waist. It's a rope. My hands feel the rope. It's a very thick rope and tied around my waist in front of me. I still can hear my parents. Breathing. Panting. Moaning. I don't want to hear them. This is bad. I should not be hearing this._

_I am listening to my parents in their bedroom and I am excited. I should not be excited. This is bad._

_The rope around my waist begins to pull me forward. It is pulling me hard around the waist. The rope is pulling me out of my bed and towards my bedroom door. My door opens and the rope is pulling me into my parents bedroom. I grab onto the rope around my waist and pull back. My feet are trying to pull me backwards into my room. I cannot stop the rope from pulling me. The rope pulls me in front of the foot of my parents bed. I can see them underneath the sheets. I am excited. I can see my parents kissing each other underneath the white sheets. This is bad. I should not be seeing this. I try to put my hands up to my eyes but the rope has now tied my hands behind me and is still around my waist. I try to close my eyes but I can't. The rope pulls me around to the other side of their bed. My father is lying on top of my mother. I start to scream but the rope is now tied around my mouth, around my wrists and around my waist. My father is pushing himself on top of my mother. I can't close my eyes and I am excited._

_The rope is now pulling me down the stairs and into the living room. My grandfather is lying in a coffin in the middle of the living room. My mother is sitting next to him in a wooden chair. My mother has her head in her hands and is crying. My grandfather sits up in the coffin and puts his hand on her head. He is patting her head and looks up at me. My grandfather looks at me and says, Get The Hell Out Of Here Boy!_

_The rope is pulling me out of the living room and through the dining room. The rope pulls me into the sick room. My grandmother is sitting in the small chair next to the bed. She has a white bowl on her lap. She is washing her hands in the white bowl. The bowl is filled with blood. She just looks at me and shakes her head. She looks up at me and says, What Am I Supposed To Do Teddy? She keeps washing her hands in the blood from the bowl._

_The rope pulls me out of the sick room and into the kitchen and towards the cellar door. I put my foot up and try to stop from going down the cellar steps. I can feel the pain in my foot as I slam it against the door frame but the rope pulls me down the steps, through the laundry room, past the furnace room and stops in front of the dirt room. The rope is gone. I don't have the rope around my wrists, waist or mouth. I am standing in the dark in front of the dirt room. I can only hear my breathing. My toes wiggle and feel some of the dirt at the opening of the dirt room. I am too afraid to move. I want to close my eyes but I don't because that is even scarier. I am standing in front of the dirt room and I start to hear a moan. At first it is one moan but then it is two, three, four, five. Moaning. More moaning and the sound of dirt moving. Whatever is moaning is moving dirt inside the cellar. My mouth is open. My mouth wants to scream. The moaning is now very high pitched. The sound is not human. I am standing in front of the dirt room, hearing moaning and I turn around. I turn around and see my grandfather standing behind me. He looks at me and smiles as dirt falls out of his mouth. He smiles at me and says, Get In There, pointing to the dirt room. I scream. I scream and scream and scream and scream._

## 58

# Monday, Jan. 18, 1965

I don't know why I'm so tired. I went to school today and had a really hard time staying awake. I'm really tired. I forgot we were having our pictures taken today. Every year we have our pictures taken by ourselves and a class picture. I don't like to have my picture taken. It's weird. I just think I have a funny smile. Danny took a great picture. My father was a photographer in the Korean War. He was a Marine. He used to fly over places in the Pacific and take pictures of the land. When he showed the pictures to his bosses they would decide where to bomb. He would tell Danny all kinds of stories about when he was a Marine. It's pretty neat. I would listen but he never told his stories to me. My father has all kinds of photography equipment in the furnace room. He's got a wooden bench all set up with all his equipment on top. He was always taking pictures of us during holidays and Danny playing sports. He even develops all the film himself. The fluid he uses to do it smells really awful. He's got to do it in the dark with a red lightbulb and then hangs the pictures on clips from a hanging string, like a clothesline. He was showing Danny how to do it before he died but he never asked me to watch. It's really cool. Maybe he'll show me how to do it someday.

We got our pictures taken and the class picture was taken in the cafeteria. A sign was placed on the floor in front of us that said Saint Francis Of Assisi Roman Catholic School. Seventh Grade. Sister Ann. 1964-1965.

The girls were standing in the front and the boys stood on a riser behind them. Sister Ann stood to the right of the girls. I probably looked stupid. We'll get the pictures in about a month. They give us a book when we get them back and you're supposed to get all of your friends pictures and glue them into it. It's nice. You get to list on different pages your favorite movies, television shows, songs and friends. When you get your pictures, you can buy them on strips of four. They're black and white and you cut them off and give them to your friends and they paste them in their books. You can also order bigger pictures for your parents, aunts and uncles and stuff.

After school I came home and my mom was baking apple bread. I love apple bread. She makes it in empty tin cans. I know that sounds weird but it's really neat. She mixes up all the ingredients and pours it into eight tin cans. They don't have any paper on the outside or anything and they are all washed out. It is so good. They come out round and are great for breakfast with butter. She uses the used creamed corn cans because she says they work best.

When she finished I asked her about our house. I asked her if she ever gets scared sometimes when she's alone. She just looked at me. She said our house was part of our family. Three generations. Then she went over to the refrigerator and got out a beer. Usually she has a beer after dinner so I figured I'd stop asking questions about the house.

My father got home after work and asked me why I didn't shovel the walks. I told him they didn't need it because I shoveled yesterday and it didn't snow. He looked at me and said, Your Lazy. Your Brother Was Never Lazy. That hurt my feelings.

After dinner I went up to my room and did some homework and read more of _Arsenic and Old Lace_. Boy is this a funny play. The two sisters are crazy! My mom says there's a great movie of it. Maybe they'll play it sometime on _NBC Saturday Night At The Movies_.

I can hear my parents watching TV downstairs but I don't feel like watching any on their TV in the bedroom. I usually watch _Andy Griffith_ and _Hazel_ but I just don't feel like it tonight. I going to read my play.

## 59

# Tuesday, Jan. 19, 1965

I wasn't supposed to serve a funeral today but Bobby McLaughlin was sick so I had to serve with Daniel Pulaski, who's in the eighth grade. He's really nice. When we were in the Sacristy he told me how sorry he is that Danny died. That was really nice of him to do. I know some of the eighth graders and most of them are pretty neat, except for John Flanagan. He's failed three times. He's supposed to be a Junior in high school. Can you believe it? He's over six feet tall and everybody says he even shaves. I would be so embarrassed if I got left behind a grade. The one thing I can say about myself is that I'm not stupid. I get good grades every report card. My mom says Catholic schools are way better than public schools. Public schools don't have religion in them. She says that Catholic schools give kids a better education because the nuns don't put up with any kind of crap. She's kind of right. The Sisters of Saint Joseph, who are at Saint Francis, are really good nuns. People say they are the most strict order around. Sister Ann isn't really strict but Sister Edwina in the eighth grade is. When a student didn't pass his penmanship she grabbed him by the collar and lifted him up off the ground against the blackboard and told him to stop writing up and down and follow The Palmer Method. That's the way we are taught to write. It's called The Palmer Method and you have to slant your letters. He didn't write with a slant, he wrote straight up and down. She really didn't like him. After she did that he started to slant his letters when he wrote. Come to think of it, I think it was John Flanagan. Sister Marie George, who teaches the sixth grade, is really strict when it comes to math. If you don't understand a math problem she'll make you stand up in front of the blackboard and she'll write in chalk above your head, like a cartoon bubble, I'm Too Dumb Because I Don't Pay Attention. She did it to me once and I had to stand there after math all during history class. I make sure I know my math problems now.

Anyway, after serving the funeral, Daniel and I walked back to our classes. He's a really nice guy. When I was in front of my classroom he shook my hand and said I can always count on him if I ever need him. That was really nice.

I got home from school and my mom had left a note saying she would be home by five. She had to visit her high school friend Dotty who just had an operation. I watched some TV and shoveled the walk, even though it didn't need it. When she came home she made scalloped potatoes with ham and mushrooms. That has to be one of my most favorite meals in the world. I love the potatoes on the top when they get really crispy. It is so good. She also made a salad and some corn on the side.

When my father got home he was in a good mood. He made a Manhattan, which is his favorite drink and put on the new classical record I got from the grocery store. Side one has Barber and Stravinsky's "Rite Of Spring" on it and side two has "Copland's Fanfare For The Common Man" and "Appalachian Spring." He put on side one first. When I heard the music playing from the living room I stood in the dining room and listened. The "Adagio For Strings" was playing. I heard the music playing and I started to cry again. What was going on with me? How can music make me cry? I stood in front of the dining room table as my mom was cooking our dinner and heard the violins playing the song. I walked towards the living room where my father was sitting on his chair. He had the album cover on his lap and he was just staring straight ahead of him. When the music stopped he got up and started to play it again. When he sat back down, I walked into the living room and he looked at me. He looked at me and said that was the most beautiful music he's ever heard. That really made me feel good.

We ate dinner, which was really good and I went upstairs to my parent's bedroom and watched _My Mother The Car, Please Don't Eat The Daisies, Red Skelton_ and _Petticoat Junction_.

I came downstairs to say good night and my father was lying in my mother's lap and she was cleaning his ears out with one of her bobby pins. She always does that for him. She sits on the couch with a Kleenex and one of her bobby pins and takes the wax out of his ears. She looked at me and said good night. My father didn't say anything. I couldn't tell if he was sleeping or not.

Serving the funeral this morning made me think of Danny. It was weird because the Campbell Funeral Home was where Danny was at. I kind of don't remember much of the service today. I saw Mr. Campbell and some of the people who work for him. I did everything right as an altar boy but I really don't remember it much. All I remember is how nice Daniel Pulaski was to me. Is something happening to me? Why don't I remember the funeral service? Why don't I remember my dreams? Is something happening to my brain? What if I have a tumor like Danny? I don't want to think about this right now.

## 60

# Wednesday, Jan. 20, 1965

School was okay today. Art class was kind of cool. Sister Ann gave us a pair of scissors and had us trace them onto a sheet of white construction paper. We could trace them open or closed. From the tracing we had to draw something using the scissor shape. It was fun. Thomas O'Brien had the hardest time doing it. He just put two eyes where the scissor handles were and called it a monster. I made mine into a strongman from the circus. The open scissor handles were weights and his legs were the scissors. I drew a head in between the weights and gave him a mustache. I got an A+.

At recess Judy Audrey was singing the new Supremes song, Come See About Me and Sister Edwina rushed over to her and made her stop singing it. She said no Catholic girl should ever sing a song about trying to tell boys to come and pick them up, especially if it's a colored group singing it. Judy stuck her tongue out at her when she turned around and walked away. John Flanagan said that Sister Edwina was really a man in a nun's habit. That made us all laugh really hard.

In the afternoon I had a little trouble paying attention. I just keep trying to figure out what's going on in my house. During English class I had the hardest time doing my diagrams of sentences. I just don't see the reason to take sentences apart and put them on different lines. It seems stupid.

Sister Ann says once all the parts of speech are lined up on different levels only then can we see clearly what is being said. Whatever that means.

When I got home after school my mom told me we were going to the Carmelite Sisters to drop off some banana and hobo bread she made. She usually does this once a month but since Danny had been sick she hasn't done it for awhile. The Sisters at the Carmelite convent are so cool. They are an order of nuns that take a vow of silence and pray all day to God. They live in a convent where there aren't any mirrors. They can't even look at themselves, that's how devoted to God they are. I couldn't do that. I mean, I'd have to look at myself sometime. What if you had a pimple on your face and didn't know if it was white or red? I wonder if the other nuns tell each other when they do. Maybe that's against the rules. They also take a major vow of poverty. That's why my mom donates her homemade bread to them every month.

The convent is a little out of the way and sits on top of a hill. It's a brick building and it's got two round towers on each side of it. I wonder if any of the nuns live in the towers. That would be cool. My mom lets me go up to the wooden doors and knock. They have this big metal ring you have to pick up and hit against another metal square on the door. You knock three times. There are two panels on the door that slide open. One is a little over my head and the other is at around my waist. The first panel opened and I could see the eyes of the Carmelite nun. She usually looks at me and then opens the second panel and takes whatever I brought. She then gives you a holy card saying thank you for your generosity and they'll remember you in their prayers. But today she didn't open the second panel. She opened the door. I couldn't believe it. I've never seen a whole Carmelite before. I mean, I've only seen their eyes and hands. When the door opened I saw a Sister of Our Lady of Mount Carmel standing in front of me. I didn't know what to do. Her habit was tan with a brown belt around her waist and her rosary was hanging from it. Her headpiece was a darker brown fabric with white fabric at the edges, and it went down to her ankles. She took the bread from my hands and smiled at me. She said to tell my parents how sorry the Sisters were about Danny's passing and all of them were praying for him and us. She talked to me. They're not supposed to talk. A Carmelite Sister talked to me. She then reached out and touched my cheek and said, God Be With You and closed the door. I just stood there.

When I got back into the car I looked at my mother. She was sitting at the wheel and had something in her lap. I asked her if she saw what just happened. She didn't say anything. She was just rubbing something in her hands on her lap. I asked her again if she saw the Carmelite Sister talking to me. Then I saw what was in her hands. It was Danny's high school picture. Tears were running down her cheeks. I didn't know what to do or say. I just sat there. She put his picture back into her purse. She turned to me and seemed surprised that I was in the car. I didn't say anything. We drove back home and I went up to my room before dinner.

Something is wrong with my mother.

## 61

# Thursday, Jan. 21, 1965

I finished _Arsenic and Old Lace_ and gave it back to Sister Ann. She said she's having a hard time keeping up with me because I read them so fast even with doing homework. I really like plays. She's going to have another one for me next week.

I got home from school and my mother was having her bridge club at our house. It's the first time she's played bridge since Danny died. I like her friends. I wonder if she tells them about what she does in the cellar. I wonder if they do the same thing in their cellars. I bet they don't.

I went up to my room and tried to think back to when all the things started to happen in the house. This journal really helps me because I can look back and see what I wrote and when it happened. Sunday, November 29, 1964. That's when I heard something in the sick room. That's when all the scary things happened. I don't think anything happened before then. I mean if anything scared me I always had Danny around to protect me. I wonder if he ever felt anything weird going on. I don't think he'd say anything to me because he'd know I'd get scared. What if Danny knew something bad was in the house and was protecting me from it? I never talked to Danny about mom doing those things in the cellar because I was embarrassed. I can't believe I never said anything to him. I should have told him. He probably already knew and was hoping I never saw her doing it. That has to be it. Danny was protecting me from the bad stuff in the house. Now that he's gone, it's after me. I mean, my grandfather got inside Danny's body and made him walk into the living room and scare me and then pound on the ceiling that night. That has to be it. Danny would never let anything happen to me. Now that Danny is gone, no one is here to protect me. My father won't protect me. I don't need to be protected. I can protect myself. Maybe Danny is stuck in Purgatory. Maybe that's what happened to my grandmother. Maybe she's in Purgatory too and doesn't know it. I mean, Purgatory has to be a huge place. It's been around since Christ ascended into Heaven. With all those souls from that time to 1965 waiting for the second coming it has to be gigantic. Maybe when you're in Purgatory you don't see anybody. I always thought you would be able to talk to everybody who was there but maybe you don't. Maybe that's why grandma didn't know where she had gone. Maybe you just float and don't think. That sounds awful. But why would Danny have to go to Purgatory? He never did anything bad in his life. I'm really confused. Why is my grandfather such a bad man? What did I ever do to him? Danny and I never even knew him because he died when my mom was 19. I'm going to figure this out.

It's 2 o'clock in the morning and I'm scared. I'm writing at my desk with my flashlight. I woke up about fifteen minutes ago and had to go to the bathroom. I got my flashlight and I listened to make sure my parents weren't doing anything. I heard my father snoring so I opened my door and went through their room and downstairs to go to the bathroom. When I got into the kitchen I saw the cellar door open. I saw a really faint light down the cellar stairs. My heart was beating so fast. I walked over to the door and could see there was some light on down in the cellar. It looked like candlelight because it was flickering. I pointed my flashlight down the stairs. I had to see what was down there so I went down the stairs really quiet. When I got to the bottom I looked over towards the washing machine. It was my mom. Two red votive candles were burning on the floor in front of her. She was lying on a white sheet in front of the washing machine. She was in her nightgown and I guess she was asleep. She was on her side facing me and her hands were between her legs. She was holding something. I couldn't see it so I walked a little bit closer and I shined my flashlight on her. She was holding Danny's hair between her legs. I turned off my flashlight and went back upstairs and got to my room in the dark. I never went to the bathroom. I'll hold it until morning.

I am sitting at my kitchen table in the morning and I'm eating hot oatmeal in a bowl. My mom is wearing her bra and underwear. I'm embarrassed. She walks over to the stove and starts to scramble some eggs in a pan. My father comes out of the bathroom and he is only wearing his white boxer shorts. I am embarrassed. I'm eating my oatmeal and realize I am naked. I don't know what to do. I push my chair in closer to the kitchen table to hide myself. My father sits down at the kitchen table and starts to eat his scrambled eggs. My mom starts to do the dishes in her underwear at the kitchen sink. I don't know what to do. I know I'm naked and I don't know how to get up from the table and go upstairs to my room. I look down at my oatmeal and put my spoon in it and try to eat. My father gets up from the table and he is naked. I don't want to see this. He goes over to my mom doing the dishes and kisses her on the neck. When I look at them they are both naked. I put my head down and look into my bowl of oatmeal. My bowl is not filled with oatmeal. It is filled with eyeballs. My spoon has two eyeballs in it looking at me. I scream and when I jump up from the table I am now standing inside Saint Francis of Assisi church. I am naked in the church and standing at the 1st Station Of The Cross. Jesus Is Condemned To Death. I am looking up at Pontius Pilate telling Jesus he is going to die. Pontius Pilate looks at me and asks me why I don't have any clothes on.

I am standing in front of the 10th Station Of The Cross. Jesus Is Stripped Of His Garments. The Roman soldiers are taking Jesus's clothes off and Jesus looks at me and says, Why Are You Standing In The Church Naked?

I am standing in the dirt room in the cellar and I am naked. I am standing in the dark. I can't see anything in front of me. I know I am standing in the dirt room because my toes are moving in dirt.

I am standing in my living room naked. I am standing in front of my grandfather's coffin. My mom is sitting next to him crying. I know I am naked. I walk around the coffin and look at both of them. My grandfather sits up and looks over to my mother and says, Don't Cry My Daughter, Come And Lie With Me. I watch as she gets off of her chair and climbs into his coffin. I watch as my grandfather puts his arm around my mom and pulls the coffin lid closed down over them. I am standing in our living room with my grandfather's coffin closed and the candles around the coffin shoot up flames over five feet tall. I am standing naked in my backyard and watching my house catch fire and burn to the ground.

## 62

# Friday, Jan. 22, 1965

Why did I try out for basketball today? I don't even know how to dribble a ball. I don't know the difference between offense and defense. Danny was one of the best basketball players at Saint Francis and the only reason I tried out for the team today was because my father was so proud of Danny. I never wanted to make the team but I did it because I thought my father would like it.

Mr. Shannon, who is the head coach, watched me try out today. I did everything wrong. I didn't even know when I was supposed to run down the opposite side of the court when my side got the ball. Mr. Shannon was Danny's coach and thought it would be a good thing to put me on the team. He felt sorry for me. Why did I do this today? I don't want to be on the basketball team. Now I am. I have no idea how to play basketball. When practice was over I got the worst headache. I've got to quit next week.

I'm tired of trying to make my father like me. He doesn't. I know that. Since Danny died he doesn't pay any attention to me and when he does he usually just yells at me and tells me how stupid I am. But then I think if I try out for basketball he might like me a little more. I am stupid. I'm not very coordinated like Danny was. Danny was interested in the things my father did. Sports, hunting, playing cards. I like to play cards. I like to play crazy eights. Danny and my parents played pinochle. When I wanted to learn how to play my father said they had enough players. Danny said he'd teach me but I didn't want to after that.

My father is mean. He's a mean man and I don't like him. I don't care if that's a sin. I feel trapped in my house. I miss Danny so much. It's so different without him. I don't know what to do. I wish I could run away but where would I go and how would I live? These are crazy thoughts. When I start to think like this my head feels weird. Like I'm a little dizzy. Is that a tumor? Am I getting sick like Danny and I just don't know it yet? I've got to stop thinking like this.

I feel a little better than when I came home from school. My father didn't bring home the fish sandwiches from the club. My mom made homemade macaroni and cheese and an iceberg lettuce salad with Good Seasons salad dressing. That dressing is so good.

I feel so sad all the time. I don't want to feel like this. I miss Danny so much. I've got to do something. I've got to do something and change the way I feel. I don't know what to do. I'm going to bed.

## 63

# Saturday, Jan. 23, 1965

I woke up with a really bad headache. The weather was awful today. It was all rainy and slushy at the same time. I hate that. We've got at least ten inches of snow on the ground already and the snow/rain has made everything turn gray and yucky. Mary Beth wanted to know if I wanted to go roller skating but I just didn't feel like it. I don't feel like doing anything. I feel weird.

My mother left the house around one o'clock and went to a Tupperware party at Mrs. Baginsky's house. My father said it's a waste of money because you can just put clear wrap over anything and it will stay fresh. Aunt Dolly has all kinds of Tupperware. It think it's cool when you burp them. My father went to the club about an hour after my mother left and I lied to him and said I had to stay home and do a lot of homework. He looked at me and said, I Wasn't Going To Ask You To Come Anyway. I hate him. I watched him leave the house and get into the car. I wish he'd never come back. I don't think I would be sad if he got into a car accident and died. I don't feel bad saying that.

I didn't have another play to read so I put the original Broadway recording of Oliver! on. I like to lie down in front of the hi-fi and listen to records that way. I only do it when no one else is in the house. It feels like the music goes through me and I feel like I'm part of the show. I love to hear the cast singing and make believe I'm in the show too. I listen to the record over and over so I can memorize every lyric. The actress Georgia Brown plays Nancy and sings the song "As Long As He Needs Me." Boy can she sing. When I lie on the floor I pretend to sing along with each character. Davy Jones plays The Artful Dodger and he has some great songs too but for some reason I love the songs that Nancy sings. Today I got up from lying down and stood in front of the hi-fi when she sang "As Long As He Needs Me." I pretended to be her singing the song. I pretend to be standing on the Broadway stage singing to the audience. I know it's a song a woman sings but it's such a great song. It's sad that she gets killed in the end, but she tries to save Oliver. Another song she sings is "Oom-Pah-Pah" and I really like to pretend I'm her in the tavern and singing to all of the people in it. Oliver! is such a great musical. Someday I think I might want to be an actor and go to New York City. Wow, that would be so cool. I think I could be a really good actor. I don't know if I can sing yet.

I was lying on the floor when Fagin started singing "Reviewing The Situation" when I heard a door slam. It was weird because I felt like someone was watching me doing something no one should see. I sat up and just looked around. The record kept playing but I wasn't really listening to it anymore. I knew the door slam came from the sick room. I got up and took the arm off the record and stopped it from playing. I heard the door slam again. It was about 3:30 in the afternoon and starting to get a little dark. I got goose bumps on my arms. I just stood there in front of the hi-fi and stared down at the record of Oliver! spinning slower and slower until it stopped. The door slammed again. I wanted to run out of the house but something inside me said not to. Was it Danny? Was it my grandma? I picked up the record by its sides and put it back into the wax paper liner and slid it into the cardboard record cover and dropped it down where the other records were in the hi-fi cabinet. I stood there for a minute and listened. I didn't hear anything. I walked out of the living room and into the dining room. I saw the sick room door closed.

I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of being scared in my house. I walked over to the sick room door. I stood in front of it and listened. I heard laughing. Very quiet laughing. Then the door opened again and slammed in my face. I screamed but grabbed the doorknob and pushed it open. I looked inside the room. Nothing was there. I could see the house next to ours through the bedroom windows. But then the window shades pulled down really fast and I couldn't see anything. I stood in the doorway of the sick room with the window shades pulled down. I reached over to the lamp that was on the dresser to my right and turned the switch on. The light came on. I walked into the sick room. I reached over to the second lamp on the dresser and turned it on. My grandmother had painted the glass shades on both lamps. She painted a beautiful flower on each glass shade. I walked into the sick room and stood in the middle of the room. The sick room door slammed shut behind me. My grandma's lights stayed on. I turned towards the dresser and looked into the mirror and saw my reflection. I walked closer to the mirror and put my hands on the top of the dresser and stared at me. As I looked at myself the reflection blinked back at me and smiled. But I wasn't smiling. And then it started to laugh. My face in the mirror started to grow hair, long gray and white hair. My teeth stuck out of my mouth and were yellow and crooked. My reflection looked at me and started to scream. It sounded like a donkey. I took my hands and put them in front of my face and screamed and screamed and screamed. When I stopped, I opened my eyes and saw my real face staring back at me. And then I saw the wallpaper behind me start to move again. I turned around and saw the lady on the swing. She was now hanging by her neck. The man who had his eyes gouged out by her had taken the rope from the swing and tied it around her neck. She was hanging from the tree limb and he was swinging her body back and forth on the rope. I could hear him laughing. He looked at me with his eyes gouged out and laughed as he swung her dead body on the end of the rope. All over the sick room the wallpaper scene repeated itself. Over and over and over again. The lady on the swing was hanging dead from the rope and the man with no eyes laughed. All of the men with their eyes gouged out laughed and laughed on all of the walls in the sick room. I turned around and looked over at the bed. I saw three girls sitting on the bed staring at me. Blood started to pour out of their mouths. Then their eyes. Then their ears. And then they began to scream. They screamed so loud I could feel my hair sweep back from my face. They screamed so loud I could feel my body lift off of the ground and crash against the wall across from the bed. I hit my head really hard and lay on the floor and looked at all the screaming girls on the bed. My head hurt so bad I shut my eyes and the room felt like it was spinning. I opened my eyes again and the girls were gone. The wallpaper was like it was when I walked into the sick room. I lay on the floor and yelled at the top of my lungs, Danny Is This Really Happening?! Danny Where Are You?! And then I passed out.

I woke up around 6:30 that night. My mother wasn't home from the Tupperware party. My father wasn't home from the club. I was lying on the floor at the base of the bed in the sick room. It was dark outside and the shades were up because I could see the house next door to us. I got up and went into the dining room. I turned the lights on in the dining room, the kitchen and the living room. I remembered everything. I remembered the door slamming, I remembered the wallpaper, I remembered the girls on the bed. I remember it all. I am not going crazy. I know what is going on. I know this house is telling me something. I know what I'm supposed to do. I will not be afraid. I will do what I'm supposed to do. It's 7:00 o'clock at night and I'm tired. I'm going on the couch in the living room and going to fall asleep. I'm so tired.

_I am standing in front of my house and it's Christmas time. I am looking through the front windows and I can see Danny and my mother and father sitting in front of the Christmas tree. They are smiling and opening presents. Danny opens up one of his presents. He takes out a human brain and holds it up over his head. My mother and father clap as he holds the brain over his head. My mother opens up one of her presents and she takes out a bloody little baby. My brother and father clap as my mother puts the bloody little baby over her head and they cheer. My father opens up his present and there is nothing in the box. He takes the box and turns it upside down and nothing comes out of it. My mother and my brother look at him and yell, You Have Nothing! You Have Nothing! You Have Nothing At All! My father looks inside his present box and shakes it upside down. My mother looks at him and says, You Have Nothing At All. My brother takes his brain present and puts it under the tree. My mother takes her little dead baby and puts it under the tree. My father takes his empty present box and shakes it and nothing comes out of it. He looks at me looking at him through the window and yells, You're Outside You Little Queer! You're Not Invited Inside!_

I woke up lying on the couch around 8:00 o'clock and no one had come home yet. Why wasn't my mother home yet from the Tupperware party? Why wasn't my father home yet from the club? I don't like the way I feel. I sat up and saw Danny sitting in my father's chair. His face was light blue and gray and he stared straight ahead. At first I really wasn't sure if I was still dreaming but I knew I wasn't. I stood up and walked over to him. He didn't look at me. I knelt down in front of him and said, Danny. He looked down at me and started to move his jaw back and forth. He looked down at me, coughed a little and dirt came out of his mouth. He said, Break The Chain Teddy and then I heard a voice coming from the cellar. I looked over to the floor grate and heard it again. I turned back to Danny but he was gone. No one was sitting in my father's chair. I stood up and walked out of the living room and into the dining room. As I walked past the sick room I could see the light was on and sitting in the small chair was my grandmother. Standing next to her was my grandfather. He looked at me and said, Go Downstairs Son, Your Mother's Waiting For You. My grandmother just looked at me with her hands up to her face. She was crying.

I walked into the kitchen and the clock on the wall said 8:25. The cellar door was open and I could see light flickering off the stairwell walls. My head started to hurt again and I sat down on a kitchen chair and rubbed the sides of my head. Out of the corner of my eye I could see my grandfather standing in the doorway of the sick room. He was staring at me.

I got up and walked over to the top of the cellar stairs and went down. Over on the washing machine I could see the clothes my mother wore at the Tupperware party today. She had folded them in a neat pile. I turned and looked into the furnace room and saw all the burning votive candles. Hundreds of red votive candles were on the floor from the furnace room into the dirt room. I heard my mother singing very quietly. I walked into the furnace room and the candlelight made weird shadows on the stone walls around me. I walked past the metal duct where I water the furnace and saw the watering can lying on the floor. I looked at it and wished I was going to fill it up and pour it in the pan. I wanted to water the furnace and go back upstairs and watch TV. But I knew I couldn't. I had to go into the dirt room. My mother had made a big circle of votive candles on the dirt room floor. She was kneeling in her underwear in the middle of the circle with her back to me. I didn't like seeing my mother in her underwear. I don't think anyone should see their mother in her underwear. But things are different in my house. Things are different in my family.

She didn't turn around but she said, Hello Teddy.

My head started to throb again and I almost felt like throwing up.

ME

What are you doing Mom?

She turned around.

MOTHER

I'm praying for them Teddy.

* * *

ME

For who?

* * *

MOTHER

Our family.

She turned back around and laid her hands on the dirt.

ME

What family?

* * *

MOTHER

They were bad babies. Not like your

brother and you. You were good babies.

* * *

ME

What are you talking about? Stop it.

* * *

MOTHER

I have to pray for them Teddy. I have to

make sure they don't go to hell.

ME

Put your clothes on Mom.

* * *

MOTHER

I don't have to pray for Danny. He's in

heaven right now. He was my perfect son.

She turned her head and looked at me.

MOTHER

Would you like to meet your other

brothers and sisters Teddy?

* * *

ME

Stop it!

She stood and grabbed both of my wrists really hard and pulled me inside the red votive circle.

MOTHER

My father made me his perfect

little girl, the same way I

made Danny my perfect little boy.

ME

I don't know what you're talking about.

Stop it and put your clothes back on.

MOTHER

That's why I pray for these babies.

My babies. Five of them. I really don't

know if they were boys or girls.

My head started to throb again and the pain got really bad. I tried to pull away from her but she wouldn't let me go.

MOTHER

Your grandfather took my babies away from me. Your grandfather said I couldn't have these babies. He said I was his perfect girl and couldn't have these babies. I was his perfect daughter. He loved me very much.

ME

Let me go!

MOTHER

You have to know Teddy. I want you to know everything, that way we can pray here together. I'll make you my perfect son and we'll pray down here. Pray with me Teddy.

She pulled me down on my knees and knelt behind me putting her hands over mine.

MOTHER

They were my babies Teddy. Babies I made with your grandpa. They can't go to hell. Your grandfather loved me very much Teddy but he said these babies could never be born. He knew all about these things Teddy. He knew how to help other girls let go of their babies. So many other girls. I knew what it felt like.

We were kneeling in the dirt room inside of the red votive circle and the room started to spin. I put my head down and thought I was going to throw up.

MOTHER

So many other girls Teddy. Upstairs in the bedroom. They gave their babies to your grandpa. He and his assistant helped them. I don't know what he did with all of their bad babies. Some of the girls got very sick when they were here. Some of them would just lie in the bed and not move. They died, Teddy. Your grandpa would make me leave the room then. My babies are here. He let me bury my babies here. You're my baby Teddy. I miss Danny so much. I miss my perfect son.

She put her arms around me and hugged me tight.

MOTHER

Will you be my new perfect son Teddy?

She started to kiss my neck.

MOTHER

Will you let me teach you?

Her hands start to rub my chest. My head is going to explode. I push backwards and knock her to the ground. The room is spinning but I run out of the dirt room and into the furnace room. The three girls from the sick room are standing in front of me. Each is wearing a white dress like the ones in the hospital. They are just staring at me. And they start to moan. They open their mouths and their jaws fall lower on their faces. The moaning grows louder and their jaws fall lower and lower. My head is going to explode with pain. I close my eyes and put my hands over my ears to see if it will make the pain go away. I feel my mother behind me.

MOTHER

Let's go upstairs Teddy.

Let's go up to your room.

I open my eyes and the girls are gone. My mother puts her hand on my shoulder. I don't want her touching me. I don't want her near me. I grab the watering can at my feet and turn around and hit her on the head hard. She screams and falls to the ground. I drop the watering can and run into the washing room. The room starts to spin and everything goes black.

_I 'm lying underneath the bumblebee tree. There are hundreds of bees flying around above me. The buzzing is so loud I can't hear anything else. The bees are angry. The bees are mad. I can feel the ground below me begin to slowly swallow me. I'm sinking into the ground. I don't want to be buried. I want to move. I want to fight the bees._

I wake up and see Danny sitting on the floor in the washing room. My nose is bleeding a little.

DANNY

Get out of the house Teddy.

* * *

ME

What's happening Danny?

* * *

DANNY

Get out of the house Teddy.

ME

I'm scared Danny.

* * *

DANNY

If you're not going to get out then break the chain.

* * *

ME

I don't know what that means!

* * *

DANNY

Make it all stop Teddy. Make it all stop with you.

ME

How am I going to make it stop?

DANNY

It has to stop with you.

My nose starts to bleed a lot and I wipe the blood away with my shirt sleeve. Out of the corner of my eye I see my mother lying next to the furnace and everything goes black.

_I 'm laying on my back under the bumble bee tree and I can see my feet going under the ground. I'm trying to pull them back out. The bees see me struggling. My hands are halfway in the dirt. All the bees are watching me. They want me to be buried underground. I pull my hands back out and try to sit up. The bees start flying down to me. All the bees are hovering over me. There are thousands of them. The buzzing is so loud._

I open my eyes and Danny is not in the washing room anymore. I'm lying on my side next to the washer. I can hear my mother moaning in the furnace room. I don't feel good but I know I have to get out of the cellar. The red votive candles are starting to burn out and it's getting dark. I can hear my mother talking in the furnace room.

MOTHER

Teddy. Teddy. What are you

doing? Why did you hit me?

It is getting darker in the cellar and I see my mother in the furnace room. It looks like she is dressed in her clothes, but that can't be possible. She was in her underwear in the dirt room. I look up on top of the washing machine to see if her clothes are still folded there but it is too dark.

I stand up and I'm really dizzy but I'm able to get up the stairs. My grandfather is standing in the kitchen. He looks at me and says.

GRANDFATHER

Learning history are we Teddy?

* * *

ME

What did you do to those girls?

* * *

GRANDFATHER

Performed a service.

* * *

ME

You got rid of their babies?

* * *

GRANDFATHER

Of course I got rid of their vile little babies.

* * *

ME

And you killed three of the girls.

* * *

GRANDFATHER

Not my fault. They weren't strong

enough. Survival of the fittest.

* * *

ME

Why did you do things like that?

* * *

GRANDFATHER

Everybody needs a hobby.

* * *

ME

What did you do with the girls who died?

* * *

GRANDfATHER

Bad little whores make excellent fertilizer.

Why do you think we have such lovely

roses in the backyard?

My grandmother comes out of the sick room and into the kitchen.

GRANDMA

Leave him alone Patrick!

* * *

GRANDFATHER

Get back in the bedroom.

* * *

GRANDMA

Stop it.

* * *

MOTHER

Teddy who are you talking to?

I turn around and my mom is standing in the doorway of the cellar.

GRANDFATHER

Tell her who you're talking to Teddy.

My mom has her clothes on and she is rubbing the side of her head where I hit her.

MOTHER

Teddy, I love you. We've all been through

a terrible time since Danny died.

* * *

GRANDFATHER

Go hug your mother Teddy.

Go love your mother.

* * *

GRANDMA

Leave him alone!

* * *

MOTHER

Teddy, why did you hit me?

* * *

ME

Why do you do those things?

* * *

MOTHER

I love you Teddy. I miss Danny too.

I miss him so much.

* * *

ME

Leave me alone.

* * *

GRANDFATHER

Go give your mother a kiss Teddy.

* * *

MOTHER

Let's go upstairs Teddy. Let's just go to bed.

* * *

GRANDFATHER

Go to bed with your mother Teddy.

My mother walks towards me and the pain in my head starts pounding really hard. I don't want her touching me. My grandfather starts laughing and my grandma starts to cry. My mother puts her arms around me and I scream. I scream and push her back. I push her back and down the cellar stairs. She screams and then everything is quiet. Standing at the top of the stairs I look down at her. Her body is lying face down but her head is twisted around the wrong way and she's staring up at me. Blood is coming out of her mouth. I don't want her to touch me. I shut the door and throw up on the floor and black out.

_M y body is under the ground. I am under the bumblebee tree. My eyes are closed because I don't want the dirt to get in. The bees are so mad at me. The bees want to kill me. I can still hear the buzzing underground. It is so loud. Even with dirt in my ears I can hear it. They buzz and buzz and buzz. And then it stops._

I open my eyes and look at the clock in the kitchen. It is 9:05. My father still isn't home. I vomited on the floor and a lot of it is on the front of my shirt. My mouth is so dry and my headache is terrible. I get up and rinse my mouth out at the sink and walk into the dining room and look into the sick room. The lights are off. I reach in and turn one lamp on. No one is in there.

I walk through the dining room and into the living room and look out the front windows. My father's car is right out front and I can see him sitting behind the wheel. He is just sitting there. I go upstairs and put on a clean shirt. I get my winter coat and go outside. I can see the lights on in all of our neighbors' houses. Across the street Mr. Miller has his front curtains open and he is sitting in his chair watching TV. I walk over to the driver's side of my father's car. The windows are all foggy and kind of frozen too. I try to open the door but it is locked so I knock on the window. He doesn't move. I get close to the window and say, Dad. His head is down on his chest and I hear him snoring. He is drunk. A bottle of whiskey is next to him. I hate him. I pound on the window three times and he wakes up. He rubs the window with his glove and looks at me. He says, Get The Hell Away From Me You Little Queer. I yell, Stop Calling Me That! He rolls down the window and says, Ya' Know The Wrong One Died. You Know That Don't You? I am so mad. He says, Get Away From Me and rolls the window back up. He drinks from the whiskey bottle and leans his head back. I HATE HIM! I spit at the window. I turn away from the car and see Mr. Miller at his window. He looks at me, waves and pulls his curtains shut. I walk back up to the house.

_W hen I went inside the Virgin Mary was sitting at the dining room table playing cards with Jesus. They looked at me and asked if I wanted to play Crazy Eights with them. The Virgin Mary looked at me and said not to go down to the cellar and then winked at me. Jesus put his cards down and yelled, Gin. The Virgin Mary said, Wrong Game Jesus and threw her cards on the table. I walked into the living room and the bumblebee tree was in the middle of the room and its roots were moving all over the floor. They crawled over the carpet and moved up onto all the furniture. When the roots got to my feet they wrapped around my legs and started to squeeze really tight. I tried to move but the roots were crawling up my waist towards my face._

Danny is floating above the dining room table. I take my coat and boots off and he tells me to sit down. He looks blue and green.

DANNY

What are you going to do?

* * *

ME

Tell me what I'm supposed to do.

* * *

DANNY

I can't do that. It's up to you.

* * *

ME

I think I know what you mean now about breaking the chain but I don't know if it's the right thing to do.

* * *

DANNY

All you have to do is make a choice.

* * *

ME

I did leave the house and went out outside.

* * *

DANNY

You left the house but you came back in.

* * *

ME

So I made a mistake?

* * *

DANNY

No. You made a choice. But the chain didn't break.

* * *

ME

I have to break the chain.

* * *

DANNY

You have to break the chain.

* * *

ME

I don't have any other choice do I?

* * *

DANNY

No. If it doesn't stop with you,

it will never stop Teddy.

* * *

ME

It has to stop.

* * *

DANNY

You know those feelings are inside you Teddy. You know you'll do the same things they did. The same things I did. If I got older I would have kept doing the same things.

* * *

ME

It has to stop.

* * *

DANNY

You have to stop it Teddy.

You haven't done anything yet.

* * *

ME

Can't I change? I know bad things

happened to you. I won't let it happen again.

* * *

DANNY

No Teddy, you can't. You'll do it anyway. It's who we are. It's in our blood. It's in the house. Break the chain Teddy. No one has touched you yet. No one has gotten you yet. You can end it.

* * *

ME

Can you tell me how to do it?

* * *

DANNY

Look around Teddy. You know what to do.

* * *

ME

Why did our mom do those things Danny?

* * *

DANNY

I don't know Teddy.

* * *

ME

Is it something we did?

* * *

DANNY

No Teddy. We didn't do anything.

* * *

ME

It wasn't our fault?

* * *

DANNY

It was never our fault.

* * *

ME

Okay.

* * *

DANNY

But he knew Teddy.

* * *

ME

Who?

* * *

DANNY

Our father. He knew.

* * *

ME

He did?

* * *

DANNY

Yes. And he didn't do anything.

* * *

ME

I hate him Danny.

* * *

DANNY

I hate him too Teddy.

* * *

ME

Did you know terrible things

happened in our house?

* * *

DANNY

I do now.

* * *

ME

Are you in heaven Danny?

* * *

DANNY

No.

* * *

Me

Purgatory?

* * *

DANNY

No Teddy. I'm not anywhere.

* * *

ME

But what about God?

Have you met Jesus yet?

* * *

DANNY

No.

* * *

ME

Then where did you go Danny?

* * *

DANNY

I didn't go anywhere Teddy.

I never left the house.

_I 'm floating above our house. I can see the roots of the bumblebee tree coming out of the windows of our house. The roots are crawling out of the windows and up the side of the house and spreading all over the roof. The roots are squeezing the house. The roots are overtaking our house and the house begins to scream._

I hear a scream coming from upstairs and turn around. I hear the scream again. I don't want to go upstairs. I look into the dining room but Danny is gone. I walk into the living room and look up the stairs. At the top of the stairs I can see the door to the cold bedroom. Instead of seeing the white wooden door I see a mouth in the middle of the door. The mouth is about twelve inches wide and it is breathing really heavy. It is my mother's mouth. Her lips have a dark shade of red lipstick on. I'm standing at the bottom of the stairs looking at her lips. Her mouth screams, Open The Door Teddy! I don't know what to do. I run back to the front windows and look out at my father's car. He is still inside and the windows are all fogged up. That's when I hear the knocking. I turn around and look past the living room and into the dining room. The knocking is coming from the kitchen. I run into the dining room, past the sick room and into the kitchen. The lights are still on and I go over to the back door window and look out. I have to cup my hands to the side of my face and block out the light from the kitchen. The window is really cold on my nose. No one is there. I hear the knocking again. It is coming from the cellar. The cellar doorknob starts to turn a little and stops. I hear another knock. I hear my mother's voice.

MOTHER

Teddy?

* * *

ME

Go away.

* * *

MOTHER

Open the door Teddy.

* * *

ME

Go away.

* * *

MOTHER

I'm not strong enough to open the door.

You hurt me Teddy. Help me.

* * *

ME

No.

* * *

MOTHER

Open the door Teddy.

* * *

The doorknob turns halfway then stops. I start to get really dizzy and sit down on a kitchen chair.

_Glow-in-the-dark Jesus is sitting at the kitchen table with me. He's eating popcorn. My father comes out of the bathroom, looks at me and says, Don't Go In There. Glow-in-the-dark Jesus says, Did You Ever Hear Of Lighting A Match? My father walks past us and leaves the kitchen. An empty fishbowl is on the kitchen table. Glow-in-the-dark Jesus looks at me and says, Good Thing You Never Had Pets._

I put my head down on the kitchen table and start to cry. My head hurts so much. I see my mother's bottle of blue pills next to the faucet and wondered if they would make my head feel any better. I hear my mother's voice again but it isn't coming from the cellar. It is coming from upstairs. I get up and walk into the living room and up the stairs and stand in front of the cold room door. My mother's mouth is in the middle of the door and getting bigger. A lot bigger. Her lips open up and speak to me.

MOTHER

Don't you love me Teddy?

* * *

ME

No.

* * *

MOTHER

That's a mortal sin.

* * *

ME

No it isn't.

* * *

MOTHER

It's a commandment. Honor

thy mother and father.

* * *

ME

You've done terrible things.

* * *

MOTHER

Everybody does terrible things.

* * *

ME

I don't.

* * *

MOTHER

You will.

* * *

ME

No I won't. I'm going to break the chain.

* * *

MOTHER

You can't.

* * *

ME

Yes I can.

* * *

MOTHER

You're not brave enough.

* * *

ME

Yes I am.

* * *

MOTHER

Open the cellar door Teddy.

* * *

ME

No.

* * *

MOTHER

Come closer to me Teddy.

* * *

ME

No.

* * *

MOTHER

Come closer to me so I can eat you.

Her mouth smiles and her lips are really red. She laughs really hard and some spit hits me in the face.

MOTHER

Come to Mommy Teddy. Mommy loves you.

I put my left hand on the wall and start to go down the stairs backwards, one step at a time. My hand can feel the paint on the wall but all of a sudden it feels weird. I stop on the first step and look at it. It isn't paint anymore, it is skin. All around me I can see the paint change into skin. From the bottom of the cold room door the carpet starts to change into hair. My mother's hair. Underneath my feet her hair is growing all over the carpet and steps. Skin is all over the walls and her hair is getting longer and longer and starting to wrap around my ankles. I try to pull free but her hair wraps over my shoes and almost up to my knees. Her mouth is laughing and she's licking her lips.

MOTHER

My tasty little Teddy. My tasty little boy.

Mommy's going to eat you whole.

I start to pull at all the hair around my legs. Big clumps of it come off in my hands and I keep pulling and pulling it out but it crawls up and around my waist. It crawls up my chest and onto my arms. Her hair begins to move me and pull me forward. I scream out NO, but it doesn't stop. My mother's hair is over my whole body except for my eyes and is pulling me straight into her mouth. The hair lifts me off the ground and slowly puts my head into her open mouth. I can feel my mother's tongue across my eyes as I'm being slid down her throat. Everything goes black and I pass out.

_I 'm lying on a raft on Lake Erie. I'm lying on my back looking up at the sun. The sun is warm and it feels good. My hand reaches down into the water and the water feels good. I lift my head up and I don't see land anywhere. All I see is water around me. The water starts to get choppy and the sun goes behind a cloud. Suddenly I start to get cold and I sit up on my raft. Clouds are everywhere in the sky and rain starts to fall. I take my hands and grab the raft on both sides. It starts to pour. My raft is half the size it was. The raft is no bigger than a seat cushion. I take my hands and hold tight to the sides of the cushion. I'm being pushed on the water from the top of one wave to the next and then I start to spin in a circle. I'm sitting on the cushion as the water spins and spins around. I'm spinning down with the water. I'm spinning down into a black hole._

I wake up curled in front of the cold room door. There isn't any hair on me. My mother's mouth isn't on the door. My eyes hurt because my headache is so terrible. I sit up and pull my knees into my chest and look down the stairs. I am so tired. I want to go into my bedroom but I hear my grandfather's voice.

GRANDFATHER

Go get your father Teddy.

We have work to do.

I look down the stairs and I can see a shadow move towards the front windows.

ME

No.

* * *

GRANDFATHER

Don't you dare talk to me in that tone

you little pup. Go get your drunk father.

I pull my knees tight into my chest.

ME

No.

* * *

GRANDFATHER

Get down here now or I'll send

someone up to get you.

* * *

ME

I'm not listening to you anymore.

All of the lights in the house go off. I'm sitting in the dark at the top of the stairs. Everything is quiet and then I hear the sick room door slam hard.

_Glow-in-the-dark Jesus puts his head into his hands and weeps._

It slams again but this time it sounds like wood cracking. I can hear something coming out of the sick room. Something is moving into the dining room. It sounds like someone is dragging their feet. I see a weird light come into the living room. It is bluish and green.

_The Virgin Mary puts her head into her hands and weeps._

GRANDFATHER

He's upstairs.

I get up onto my knees and make myself stand. The first thing I see at the bottom of the stairs is the lady from the wallpaper. She is life size. The bone from her neck is sticking out and I can see the rope burns around her neck.

Her head hangs off the side of her shoulder and her mouth opens but her throat isn't attached to anything and it sounds like a hissing cat. Next to her is the wallpaper man. She is holding hands with him and guiding him up the stairs because his eyes are gouged out. They aren't walking anymore. They are floating up the stairs.

_Sister Ann puts her head in her hands and weeps._

I am frozen. I can't move. The wallpaper lady floats right up in front of me. Her head is rolling back and forth off of her shoulder and her breath smells awful. When I look at the man I can see maggots inside his eye sockets. I'm really dizzy and think I'm passing out.

_Jesus Christ puts his head into his hands and weeps._

The wallpaper lady floats to my right side and the man is at my left, holding onto her hand behind my back. I can't move. I am so scared. The man is so close to me I can feel the maggots from his eyes crawl into my ear. The lady rests her head on my shoulder and starts to slowly chew on my neck. She takes tiny little bites. It hurts. Everything around me starts to spin and I feel my body being lifted off the ground. The wallpaper lady and man have their hands around me and I am floating down the stairs with them.

My head is pounding so I close my eyes.

_Saint Francis of Assisi puts his head into his hands and weeps._

I **** try to take a deep breath but I can't. I open my eyes and I am standing in the living room. The wall paper lady and man are gone. The lights are back on and no one else is there. I feel really dizzy but I walk over to the front window again and look out at my father's car. It is still there and the windows are all foggy. Maybe he's dead. Maybe he drank himself to death and his body is starting to freeze and turn blue. I hope it's true.

_Danny puts his head into his hands and weeps._

Across the street Mr. Miller opens his curtains and looks out onto the street at my father's car. He sees me at the window and waves again, then pulls his curtains shut. I pull my curtains shut too. I turn around and my grandfather is floating right in front of me. His face is pure white and his teeth are cracked and yellow and look like needles. He looks at me and curls his lips back.

GRANDFATHER

Time you learn the rules Teddy.

His face is right in front of mine and he puts his lips over my mouth. I try to scream but his mouth is over mine and he starts to suck the air out of me. His eyes are blood red and his face looks like flaky white paint. I think I'm dying. I start to think of Danny. I want to scream out Danny's name but my mouth won't open. Danny, where are you? Where is God? Where are the saints? Where is the Virgin Mary Mother of God? Where is Saint Francis? Where is Danny? Why is this happening to me? I live the life of a good boy. I live the life of a holy boy. I follow all the teachings of the church. I do all of my homework. I am an altar boy. Why is this happening to me? My grandfather's yellow needle teeth are cutting my lips. Help me Danny! Help me Jesus! Help me Mother of God! Help Me! Don't let this happen to me. Where are the saints! Where are the angels?

All of a sudden I feel myself being pushed back onto my chest really hard. I'm pushed back against the wall behind me, between our two front windows where we put our Christmas tree every year. I can't see clearly right away but when I squint my eyes I see the back of my grandfather floating in front of me. He is looking at my grandma who is floating in the archway of the living room. They're yelling at each other.

GRANDMA

This is going to stop, Patrick.

This is going to stop now!

* * *

GRANDFATHER

Get the hell out of my way old woman!

* * *

GRANDMA

No! This is going to stop now!

* * *

GRANDFATHER

Do you think you can stop our history?

Get the hell out of my way.

I've got work to do.

* * *

GRANDMA

No Patrick. This is going to stop now.

My grandma floats into the living room and right behind her are the three girls in white dresses from the sick room. My grandfather floats in front of the TV and looks at them.

GRANDFATHER

Do you really think you can stop me?

Do you really think you can stop this?

* * *

GRANDMA

I don't know, but I do know I hate you

and I hate all the things you did.

* * *

GRANDFATHER

Shut up.

* * *

GRANDMA

No. Not this time.

My grandma looks at the three girls and nods her head. One by one the girls get behind each other and stand behind my grandma. My grandma looks at my grandfather and opens up her arms and the first girl floats inside her. I can see the girl enter inside my grandma through her back. She floats right inside her. The second and third girl do the same. All three girls are inside my grandma. I can see traces of their faces floating behind my grandma's face. My grandfather starts to laugh.

GRANDFATHER

I've got work to do with the boy.

Go back into the bedroom.

My grandfather turns from them and floats towards me.

GRANDFATHER

Now where were we Teddy?

Want to get really scared?

I push myself up from the wall and stand in front of him. He is laughing at me. He is laughing really hard and chomping down on his yellow needle teeth. I stand with my back against the wall and my grandfather is floating right in front of me. He's holding a big bunch of red roses in his arms and laughing. He pushes the roses closer to me and I see a face. I see a little tiny baby face in the middle of a rose. I count twelve red roses and twelve baby faces. The babies eyes are yellow and their teeth are as sharp as my grandfather's. Help me someone. Somebody please help me. I can feel the wall behind me turn into skin again. My hands can feel skin instead of paint. Hair starts to grow down from the ceiling and I can hear my mother yelling from the cellar. No one is going to help me. I am all alone. The room starts to spin and my grandfather throws the roses to the ground and puts his lips back over my mouth. The glass windows beside me smash into pieces as the roots from the bumblebee tree push their way into the house. Hundreds of bees are swarming in and the roots are crawling under my legs pinning me down. Thousands of bees are flying into the house. Bees are crawling on top of my head. I don't know what's going to happen to me. I don't know what else to do. My grandfather is sucking the air out of me. Suddenly the floor starts to shake. The roots holding me down start to shake. My grandfather pulls his mouth off of me. Small gray blobs float up under the roots and out from the walls. Gray blobs that are about the size of my fist. They are floating up from underneath the floor. Hundreds of them. My grandfather just looks around. They are floating everywhere. One moves right past my face and I can see it close up. It is a little skull. A little gray baby skull. Over his shoulder I see my grandma move very fast behind him. My grandfather stands straight up and looks at me. My grandma slams into his back and goes straight inside him. I look into his face and see my grandma's face behind his. And then I see the three girls in there too. All of them are inside my grandfather. More bees start to land on my face and hands. Along with the tree roots, hair from the ceiling is coming down and wrapping itself around my waist holding me down to the floor as even more bees land on me. My grandfather floats a few feet away from me and just looks at me. I can tell he can't move. Hundreds of gray baby skulls start to swirl around like a tornado. I see my grandma's face inside my grandfather's face. Her mouth is behind his mouth. Her teeth are behind his teeth. She opens her mouth wide, which makes my grandfather's mouth open and she starts to scream. The tornado of gray baby skulls spin faster and faster. The bottom of the tornado starts to move from the floor and onto my grandfather's leg. His eyes are huge and bulging and he watches the tornado move up his leg onto his chest and into his mouth. All of a sudden I can see through him. I can see through his clothes. I see his bones and veins and muscle. Hundreds and hundreds of tiny gray baby skulls fill up his body. I can see all of their faces. And then I see my grandma. I see her face and hands inside him. I see all the hands. My grandma's and the hands of the three girls. One of the girls hands moves up to his eyes and grabs them. She takes his left eye in her left hand and his right eye in her right hand and squeezes them. She squeezes them very hard and they burst. My grandfather screams. He screams so loud I feel the bees stand still on me. Another girl's hands squeeze his lungs tight. He screams again and the hair and roots stop wrapping around me. The three girls move in him grabbing all of his insides. I can see their faces in him. I see my grandma's face push out in front of his chest. Her face is so angry. I see her hands reach up to his heart and grab it. All the girls stop what they are doing and watch her. She rips his heart out and puts it in her mouth. My grandfather's body starts to shake and all the girls and my grandma start to scream. That's when the tiny baby skulls start to chew. All of the gray skulls start to eat everything inside him. They move so fast it makes his body twist and turn. His head flies down to his chest and his legs and arms kick out in front of him. The three girls are pushing themselves out of my grandfather's body. They are using their arms and legs to get out of him. One girl rips through his right side and falls out onto the living room floor. The second girl pushes her way out of his stomach and the last one follows behind her. The three girls disappear the minute they leave him. My grandfather's body is being eaten from the inside and he's floating in the middle of the living room. My grandma pulls out of his body and floats over to me. All of the roots start to pull back from me as her hand reaches mine. I feel her hand and it is so cold. I look at her face and she smiles at me and says I Love You, then she slowly fades away. My grandfather is still floating in the air but he is half of his normal size. The baby skulls have eaten so much of him and in less than a minute he is completely gone. They hover over me and I pass out.

_D anny and I are sitting in a pew at Saint Francis. A priest I don't know is saying Mass at the altar. We are the only ones in church. Danny looks at me and smiles. The priest is consecrating the host and raises it up above his head. The altar boys, kneeling next to the altar, ring the bells. Danny looks at me and says, I Hope You Know None Of This Matters. I look at Danny and say, What Do You Mean? Danny looks at me and says, This Is All Fake. None Of This Is Real. What Happens In Our House Is Real. This Is Just Make Believe._

_I look up at the altar and see the priest lower his arms and place the consecrated host on the golden dish. Suddenly a voice yells, Cut! The priest and altar boys leave the altar and Jesus, who is hanging from the cross on the wall behind them, pulls out the nails from his hands and feet and jumps off the cross. Danny looks at me and says, See, It's All Make Believe. Jesus yells out, Same Time Tomorrow? And a voice yells back, Yes, See You Then._

_Everybody is gone. Danny and I are sitting alone in our pew. Danny looks at me and says, It's All Fake Teddy. I look at Danny and ask him, Why Didn't You Tell Me? Danny looks at me and says, I Wasn't Dead Yet._

I open my eyes and I'm lying on the floor in the living room. The lights are on and I look around. No one is with me. I lie there and listen. I don't hear anything. I am so tired and my headache is awful. I get up and walk into the dining room and then into the sick room. The lights are on in every room. No one is in the sick room. The wallpaper isn't doing anything. Nothing is happening in the house. I walk into the kitchen and sit down at the table. I lay my head down in my arms. I think I fall asleep but I just don't know. I lift my head back up and Danny is sitting across from me.

DANNY

Are you okay?

* * *

ME

I don't know. Is it over?

* * *

DANNY

I don't know.

* * *

ME

Are they all still in the house?

* * *

DANNY

I don't know.

* * *

ME

I'm tired of all of this Danny.

I don't want to do this anymore.

* * *

DANNY

I know Teddy.

* * *

ME

I hate our father. I'm not going

to live in this house anymore.

* * *

DANNY

I know Teddy. You're a good kid

and I really miss you.

* * *

ME

I love you Danny.

* * *

DANNY

I love you too Teddy.

* * *

ME

I know what I'm going to do Danny.

* * *

DANNY

Do it Teddy. Do what you have to do.

Danny fades away just like my grandma did. I am sitting alone in the kitchen. I get up and go over to the dining room cabinet and pick up my bookbag lying next to it on the floor. I pull out a sheet of white paper and a pen and go back to the kitchen table. I'm going to write a note. When I'm done writing it I'm going to fold it up and put it in my pants pocket. Hopefully my father won't find it. He can't find it.

This is my last entry in my journal. I'm not afraid anymore. I know what I have to do. Nobody is going to get me. Nobody is going to touch me. Nobody is going to do anything to me. Nobody is going to make fun of me anymore. I don't care if what I do is a sin. I don't care if it's a mortal sin. Danny is dead and I'm not going to live in this house with my father. I'm not going to live in this house with all of the other terrible things here. What if they come back? I mean, they're ghosts right? How can a ghost die? They're already dead. What if they do this all the time? Every year or every day? I'm not going to find out.

Where are all the saints when I pray to them? Where is the Virgin Mary when I plead with her to help me? Why didn't the true piece of the cross save Danny? Nothing is real. Nothing is true. It doesn't matter if you're a good person or a bad person. It all just doesn't matter. Prayers don't do anything.

I'm not afraid anymore. I'm going to make sure I never do the things Danny said I might do. I'll break whatever chain there is. I'm really tired and I feel so sick right now but I'm not afraid to do what I have to do.

I put a classical record on so I can listen to one song I really love. It's called Meditation from an opera called THAIS by Jules Massenet.

Thank you Sister Ann for giving me my Journal. Thank you for letting me read all those plays. I really like them. You were always so nice to me. I'll miss you a lot. I won't miss being picked on. I never knew what to do about that. I won't miss my father calling me names. I would never do that to a kid. I won't miss being so sad.

I will miss a lot of things. I'll miss Joey and Mary Beth. You guys are my best friends. I hope you know how much fun I had with you. I really liked the summer and the winter. I really liked reading my comic books in bed right before I went to sleep. I'll miss watching cartoons on Saturday morning. I'll really miss going to the movies, especially the Warner Theater. I love the red velvet seats and the giant screen. I liked goofing around with Danny. I miss that a lot. I'll miss Halloween and Christmas. I'll miss listening to the radio with my earplug. That was fun. I'll really miss listening to music. I love my records, especially the Broadway shows. I'll miss pretending I was in the shows. I'll miss not becoming an actor. I'll miss watching _Saturday_ _Night At The Movies_. I love the old movies. I'll miss the backyard. I really liked lying on my back in the grass and looking at the sky. I'll miss reading the Sunday comics section. I'll miss not having a puppy. I'll miss roller skating. I'll miss writing in my Journal. I'll miss Joey's mom. She is so cool. I'll miss a lot of things. That's all I have to say.

It's 10 o'clock and I've written my note and it's folded up in the back pocket of my pants. When I'm done with this last entry I'm going to wrap my Journal in a brown paper bag and address it to Sister Ann. I'm going to put it on my desk in my bedroom and hope someone gives it to her without opening it. I want her to read it and know what really happened. Even if she doesn't believe it, I don't care. I know it happened. I know it was real.

I'm ready to do it. I'm going to break the chain. When I'm done, I'll lie down on the kitchen floor next to the cellar door. My head hurts so bad. I know I'm doing the right thing. What else can I do? Goodbye.

_B lue skies. I am floating. I don't see my body. Blue skies or just the color blue. I feel like air. I feel like a breeze. I am just a thought. Green grass. Or just the color green. I feel like I'm everywhere but I'm right here. Yellow flowers. Or just the color yellow. I am breathing but I am the wind. I am every color I can think of. I can't think just for myself anymore. I am every color. I am the air. I am the rain. I am music. I am at peace. I am one with everything around me. Everything around me is me. I am happy. I don't need emotions anymore. I don't need me anymore. I don't need anything. I am everywhere. I am everything. I am free._

**July 1, 1967**

**A Special Editorial From the**

**Editor of _The Erie Times News_**

As I turned the corner on 11th and Wayne Street, I was struck by a uniformity about the neighborhood. A sense of pride. Each home is meticulously cared for. The front lawns are perfectly mowed. Every porch proudly displays hanging plants of every color and variety. Polish, Irish and Italian backgrounds living side by side. You can feel the bragging rights in the air. Granted, most of the neighborhood is Roman Catholic but a Protestant family can be found. Nothing out of the ordinary happens on 11th street between Wayne and Reed. But an exception was made over two years ago. A horrible exception.

I stand in front of 7155 East 11th Street and notice nothing out of the ordinary. A simple gray, two-story home with an ample front porch and a side garden of beautiful roses running up the path leading to the backyard. Two large windows look out onto three enormous oak trees in front of the house. Other oaks run up the entire block. The backyard is large with two evergreens placed in the middle and again you'll find rose bushes blooming brilliantly along both sides of the fences separating the property from the neighbors. It's a simple home on a simple block. But nothing was simple about the evening of January 23, 1965.

The Lapinski family lived in this house. Everyone in Erie knows the name now. They and the house are infamous but George Lapinski, the father, is notorious.The family, George and his wife Patricia with their sons Danny and Teddy, looked and acted like anyone else on the block. At least that's what everyone thought. Tragedy struck the family in the winter of 1964. Danny Lapinski, the eldest son, was stricken with a brain tumor and passed away at the unthinkable age of 15. Any family, especially this young family, would be rocked to its core when something as insidious as this happens. How does one cope with losing your firstborn? Danny was an incredibly gifted young athlete and student at Cathedral Prepatory School for Boys. It's unimaginable as to what grief and pain they went through as a family. But when faced with tragedy families either bond closer together or deviate from one another. The latter seemed the fate of the Lapinski family.

George Lapinski was found guilty, a year ago, of first-degree murder of his wife Patricia and son Teddy. The trial gained national attention. Things like this just didn't happen in Erie, Pennsylvania. But apparently they do.

Throughout the trial George Lapinski maintained his innocence. His lawyers pleaded their case that on the fateful night of Saturday, January 23rd, George Lapinski was in a drunken stupor inside his car, in front of his home. From the hours of 7:00pm to 8:00am, the following morning, he slept in his car. When he entered his home at approximately 8:15am he found his wife and son savagely murdered. Patricia Lapinski's body lay at the bottom of the basement steps with her neck and back broken. Thirteen-year-old Teddy Lapinski's body was found in the kitchen, lying in front of their closed basement door. Bruises were found around the young man's neck. The jury heard all the evidence presented by the defense but no one was prepared for the prosecution's star witness. .Teddy Lapinski. Teddy Lapinski was in the courtroom that day. Teddy Lapinski pointed his finger at his father, who along with the jury, sat sitting in disbelief as Joseph Voelker, the lead prosecuting attorney proved beyond a shadow of doubt, his father's guilt. From beyond the grave, his voice was heard and his testimony sealed his father's fate. Joseph Voelker read two sentences from a folded piece of paper. The paper found in the back pants pocket of Teddy Lapinski's corpse. The last two sentences Teddy Lapinski would ever convey.

It simply read, "My father pushed my mother down the cellar stairs. He made me swallow all of my mother's blue pills." A guilty verdict was reached within an hour of deliberations.

George Lapinski stood up and screamed. He ran toward Mr. Voelker yelling, "Teddy is a goddamn liar! That son of a bitch lied! I didn't kill them! That little queer is lying." He was subdued by the bailiffs and returned to his seat under the threat of contempt of court. The following day the verdict was announced, Guilty. Guilty for the deaths of his wife and young son. What drove this man to such acts of depravity? The untimely death of his son Danny? Was his mind clouded with madness at such a fate dealt to his first son? Did the house hold too many memories? Memories that somehow came alive and haunted him? Memories that followed him in every room and on every wall? One will never know. George Lapinski never accepted his guilty verdict. And he never accepted the sentence of death. He said he was innocent, but how do you dismiss the note and the voice of Teddy Lapinski?

George Lapinski was executed last night at 8:55pm. May God have mercy on his soul and may the spirits of Patricia, Danny and Teddy live in eternal peace.

On April 16, 2014 Sister Ann died at the age of 79. Among her meager possessions a locked box was found containing the journal of Teddy Lapinski and the following letter:

* * *

**J uly 1, 1967**

_My birth name was Margaret Shannon but I am now Sister Ann in the order of the Sisters of Saint Joseph. George Lapinski was put to death today and I held his fate in my hands and did nothing. I need to purge my soul in this letter and never look back upon my life from this moment on._

_My mother, Bridget Shannon was born on August 8, 1919 in Erie, Pennsylvania at the home of her parents, Thomas and Kathleen Shannon. My grandparents lived at 7153 East 11th Street, next to the home of Patrick and Nora Rafferty. My mother was best of friends with Patricia Rafferty, the daughter of Patrick and Nora. Patricia Rafferty would later marry George Lapinski and have two sons, Daniel and Theodore and continue to live in the house next to my grandparents on East 11th Street._

_Patrick Rafferty was a factory worker at the Hammermill Paper Company but he had a side business which flourished in the dark of night at 7155 East 11th Street. My mother, Bridget, had dreams of becoming a nurse when she grew up. She would tell me of her talks with Mr. Patrick Rafferty over the beautiful red roses which bloomed wildly and crawled along the wire fence toward the alley behind each home. Mr. Rafferty filled my mother's young mind with fascinating stories about Florence Nightingale and how the occupation of being a nurse was a noble profession. My mother was fifteen years old and enthralled. She listened to Mr. Rafferty when he told her he too helped the needy when it came to certain medical procedures. Perhaps she would like to join him, being his assistant, in helping young girls with medical problems. Girls who couldn't afford to pay doctors in the hospital because they were poor. Girls who had painful tumors in their stomachs. "Just don't tell your parents", he said to her. "It will be our little secret."_

_And so, every Friday night my mother became his nurse. She stood by his side and held the hands of the countless girls who slipped into the back door of the house at 7155 East 11th Street. She muffled their cries and wiped their brows as Mr. Rafferty removed their tumors. And then one Friday night, the last Friday night my mother would ever work for him, she took the bloody sheets from the first- floor bedroom and walked them down to the basement. She filled the stationary tub with hot water and soap, a job she had done countless times as Mr. Rafferty's assistant. As she was washing the blood out of the sheets she would notice the shadows of other blood stains that remained and gave the sheets a light brown hue. Some stains she couldn't get out. As she washed, Mr. Rafferty came down to the basement and raped her. He raped her on the cement floor next to the washing stand. She was sixteen years old. When Mr. Rafferty finished with her, he looked at her and said, "See you next Friday. Don't forget to finish the wash."_

_My mother never went back to the Rafferty home again. My mother became pregnant with his child, but never told her parents who the father was. My grandparents took my mother, four months later, to Buffalo, New York to stay with relatives for the summer. No one found it odd. No one questioned not seeing Bridget Shannon around the neighborhood during the summer of 1935._

_Before my mother returned home from her summer visit in Buffalo, my grandparents made the announcement they were adopting a baby girl from the south. A baby girl who was abandoned by her unmarried mother. My grandparents said a church in Atlanta had contacted one of our cousins who lived there and my cousins suggested they would be fine parents for this poor unfortunate baby girl._

_On Monday, August 12, 1935, I was delivered to my grandparents as their new baby daughter. My mother returned home on Monday, August 26th and one week later we moved to Cleveland, Ohio, into a larger home for our growing family. For the next eighteen years of my life I believed my mother and father were Kathleen and Thomas Shannon and my sister was Bridget Shannon._

_My mother died of cancer at the age of thirty-four in 1953. Three days before she died she told me the story I have just written. I was numb. My parents (grandparents) brought me up in the Roman Catholic faith. My sister (mother) taught me the true path of Jesus Christ. When my mother confessed to me, on her death bed, I realized the only way I could try to absolve her sin in the eyes of God, was to devote my life to the church and go back to Erie, PA and become a Sister of Saint Joseph. I would live a life of service in order for my mother's soul to somehow pass through the gates of Heaven._

_Our Lord truly works in mysterious ways. In my eighth year of being a Sister of Saint Joseph, Daniel Lapinski was in my fourth- grade class. Unbeknownst to Daniel, I was his Aunt. I shared my secret with no one. My only confidant is the paper and the pen I am using right now. God made his heavenly request apparent. I must always look after the Lapinski boys, my nephews. Daniel was such an effervescent and active boy. He was a joy to behold. Theodore on the other hand, was the most sensitive and caring young man I had ever met. He was kind and thoughtful and had the most lyric imagination. My heart went out to Teddy and I made sure my wing would shelter and nurture him. I gave him a journal so he could capture his everyday happenings and reflect on them years later._

On Monday, February 1, 1965, Officer Hughes delivered a book to me wrapped in a brown paper bag. On the outside it read: TO: Sister Ann, FROM: Teddy Lapinski (thanks for the great plays)

The officer handed it to me and said, "It was on his bedroom desk. I guess he wanted you to have it back."

The package was not a book of plays; it was Teddy's journal. I read the journal immediately.

_I now know there is a Heaven and a Hell. I now know evil exists on this earth._

_I am just a human being and I am flawed. God gave us the right to choose. He gave us free will and the ability to make mistakes and be forgiven. I have chosen to let George Lapinski die. I have chosen for him to rot in Hell with Patrick Rafferty and his daughter Patricia. I will make my case when I stand before my savior Jesus Christ and God The Father. I will throw myself prostrate in front of Him and all the Angels and Saints and beg for my human weakness._

_Tomorrow I will be asking my Mother Superior to transfer me to the order of the Carmelites. I wish to become a Sister of Silence and never utter another word unless it is a prayer to our Almighty Savior and Lord Jesus Christ. I will keep this secret until the day I die._

_May God have mercy on my soul and the soul of my mother, Bridget Shannon._

_Amen_

– THE END –
**SPECIAL THANKS**

* * *

To Ron Tranmer for his kind permission

for the use his poem, "Broken Chain."

* * *

I could not have written _The Lesson Of The Bees_ without the support of the following friends:

Mary Tellers, Pam Tokunaga, Hilary Martin,

Jeff Driehorest, Steve Cohen,

Lucy Rochambeau, and Sophie Hogarth.

* * *

And to the memory of Eileen Keller, who

always told me, as a young boy, I could

be anyone I wanted to be when I grew up.

David Skovron, owned his own production company, DSA, located in Manhattan, for over twenty years, producing fashion shows at the Metropolitan Museum and launching products globally.

Retiring at the age of 50, he focused on something he would always be doing during breaks backstage...writing. His first outing was collaborating with _New York Times_ bestselling author and filmmaker, Clive Barker. David adapted Clive's West End production of _The Secret Life of Cartoons_.

His most recent play, _Shrink Wrapped_ , has been chosen to open the new Pittsburgh Playhouse in 2019, with the intention of moving to Broadway.

In between these two theatrical pieces, David wrote his first novel, _The Lesson Of The Bees_.
