

### A Man's Life

How to Build Power and Confidence

by James D Paul

Smashwords Edition

Copyright © 2014 James D Paul

JimPaul0627@gmail.com

License Notes: This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this ebook with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Contents

1. Overview

What this is about

Why I wrote this

**Getting Started**

Ineffective vs effective Paths

Almost no one does the work

2. Inner Game

Goals for your psychological state

Confidence

Openness

Staying Cool

Your values and your story

Exactly what your Inner State should look like

Things that can screw you up

3. Outer Game - Social Skill

Concept of Social Value

Characteristics to Project

How to Be an Engaging Conversationalist

Entering

The Conversation

Gamesmanship

Leadership

Leaving

Mistakes to Avoid

Criticism

How to Handle Rough Situations

Misc Tips

4. The Program

Do this almost very day

Expanding your program

When things get tough

5. Exercises

Exercises to build Inner Game, Story, Values

Exercises: Build your Inner game, Confidence

Exercises: Honing your Outer Game

# 1. Overview

**What this is about**

This book is about getting what you want by making changes in how you think and project in human interactions. It is about being attractive, charismatic and influential. It is about moving your agenda forward by being an excellent player of the social game. Following _the program_ I describe, you will develop specific social skills, attitudes, thinking patterns and possibly values. Think of this as a training manual with some theory, and lots of specific suggestions. Use these to build a program tailored for yourself. You can base your program on the program I describe at the end of this book.

Nothing is spoon fed here. To get results and maintain them you need self discipline. Using your own plan you will train to develop and hone skills. Reading a book or taking a class is not training. Performing an action over and over with continuous monitoring and adjustments is training.

When I look at what I want, I find my goals come easily if I have the magic power of making people around me feel good... making the space around me a strong, healthy space. But of course it's not a magic power, its skill. Some people are naturals at this. They were born with the right biology and learned life's lessons early and easily. But some people, including me, have to put a fair amount of effort into learning and maintaining important life skills that were somehow missed in adolescence. I will tell you how you can learn social skill and the confidence that comes with it.

**Why I Wrote this**

_The gap between ignorance and knowledge is much less than the gap between knowledge and action._ – ancient Chinese proverb

Many books tell you to "be more confident" and some describe how to act more confident. Other books have great ideas on things related to confidence, like being an effective communicator, businessman or lover. But none tell you HOW to become more confident. I wanted a program - specific actions that I could take to implement some of the great self improvement ideas I read about. I also wanted something customized for me, my quirks and situation. I wanted something focused on technique, with concrete examples - a plan I could act on and that would give me near certain results. I am middle aged, have been successfully self employed my whole life...also single and dating for all but 14 years of my life. Some of my short term goals are visiting exotic locations, teaching dance there, dating beautiful talented women. Some to building a business where I have sufficient income for my lifestyle but does not consume me - all are part of my overall goal of living a rich exciting life.

I have no celebrity outside a narrow technical field. I've done a lot of public speaking around the country and Europe in that field. I hold some volunteer leadership positions for non-profits. I raised very successful kids. Some people's qualification for writing a self improvement book is to have stopped drinking themselves into a stupor every day – but that's not my starting point. Nothing horrible happened to me and I didn't fuck up anything. I just have what is probably a common condition: A thinking man with a nagging suspicion that I should be getting more out of life.

Many social skills I did not develop until later life. My self esteem was low throughout my childhood but greatly improved through my teens and early 20s. I got counseling, became a counselor and trained counselors in that period. I learned that people's behavior is to a large degree predictable. When they evaluate you, they are looking for clues that they can match to a pattern they recognize. For example, if you dress in a suit and maintain a strong posture and voice and you will get respect. Wear ill fitting cloths hold your head down and mumble and you will be ignored. People are not intrinsically likable or not likable.

I've been collecting helpful information from dozens for sources for most my life - books, biographies, interviews, and conversations with skilled people. I tend to analyze and write things down. One thing I've observed is how intense, unconventional, and disciplined some athletes and stars personal routines are. For several years as of this writing, I've implemented, in a serious way, the work I describe in "The Program". I'm getting fantastic results, personally and professionally. Friends see that and ask me for advice.

**Getting Started**

There is no sham or make-believe about the business of self improvement and personal change at a deep level. It is something to be carried out with an earnest, conscientious, and a persevering soul. I'm assuming some familiarity with contemporary thinking on success on your part because I don't elaborate on all the ideas I present. Here are 11 works whose ideas I draw on:

• 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey

• Conversation Skill, Stanford Study

• The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz

• Life is a Series of Presentations, Tony Jeary

• 7 Helpful Tips to Increase Confidence, Kent Sayre

• The Road Less Traveled, Scott Peck

• How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie

• Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, John Gray

• Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are, Amy Cuddy TED talk

• Factors for Happiness, Study synopsis

• A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life's Purpose, Ekhart Tolle

• What they don't Teach You in Harvard Business School, Mark McCormack

• Various writings and talks by Jordan Peterson professor of psychology at the University of Toronto

I also am also influenced by Chase Amante (girlschase.com), _Zig Ziglar_ , and the Buddhist _Pema Chodron_.

There is no shortage of self improvement books. But reading a book does not change you. You have to have regular practice. The only way to build muscle is to lift heavy several times a week. When you stop, you slowly loose what you gained. I'll explain how social interactions work and the behavior and attitude you are looking for. But you need to work a plan based on _The Program_ to get any benefit.

This book is divided into Inner Game (your psychological state), Outer Game (your social skills), and The Program. At the very end there are some exercises related to the Inner and Outer games. The program takes resolve, strength and character. You must have no problem with getting completely honest. If you have any kind of victim mentality, or need to be heavily reliant on any kind of mysticism, this is not for you.

It is very difficult to make a lasting change to the way we think, feel and behave. It will require lifelong practice because our current patterns are the result of deeply ingrained habits, forceful experiences, and genetics. Completely undoing the damage of say a shameful experience you had as a child is not possible. Experiences that evoked very strong emotions, particularly if they occurred over and over, or happened during your formative years, are part of you. However new patterns of thinking and feeling, can be learned and become habitual. But they must be constantly practiced and re-enforced throughout your life. Fortunately as you make progress your life will improve and you will be rewarded by the results you get. The rewards will re-enforce your new ways of thinking and behaving.

There is also a hormonal feedback loop that has to do with testosterone that will kick in and help. More T causes more alpha behavior which causes you to produce more T. Testosterone levels in US males have and continue to fall at 1.2% per year for the past 20 years. Guys are becoming more like girls. There are several studies and lots of commentaries on this very significant pathology. I think it is caused by our modern culture and this book will help you avoid, and even capitalize on this phenomenon.

There was a study where the alpha male was removed from a monkey group where there was only one likely successor. The successor's testosterone level rose dramatically when he took over the role and that reinforced the behaviors necessary to be the alpha monkey - for monkeys that's being an aggressive bad ass: "touch my girls, food or fail to submit and I'll beat the shit out of you." If you are interested, Google: _Testosterone predicts future dominance rank and mating activity among male chacma baboons_

It is easy to significantly boost your testosterone level just by changing your posture (and more generally by acting like a guy). It's a physio-psychological effect and this book will teach you how to capitalize on that phenomena. Search for and watch the TED talk by Amy Cuddy: _Your body language shapes who you are._

**Ineffective vs effective Paths**

I spent years involved in a new agey kind of church. There were lots of talks, books and seminars that addressed problems like "letting go", "low self esteem", "stress" and a host of minor to major psychological problems. For example I learned that "Forgiveness" practices can help you get un-stuck. But I also found that once you start feeling confident, take action, and start getting results, these types of problems go away by themselves. Focusing on problems can sustain them so drop the crutches as early as you can.

The religious belief that everything will work out following a perfect master plan can be empowering because it gives you an "all is well" attitude. An ongoing religious practice of thankfulness is useful in maintaining a positive attitude. Many successful people have been inspired by their religious purpose. You are more effective when you are more purpose driven and less ego driven.

But some religious stuff is out right harmful. Anything that invokes guilt and a need for redemption is not helpful unless you think you might be a sociopath. Look for what makes you more confident and powerful. A solid basis for building your self worth is making conquests in this world.

Some self help and spiritually leaning books are not that helpful because they are written by and for a feminine persona. Some also try to be politically correct which means they are not honest. Societal expectations, psychology and hormonal makeup are very different for men and any practice that ignores this is flawed. For example, it is possible for a woman to by shy yet still with charm and beauty win the protection of a powerful man and all the benefits that entails. There is no such option for men.

A lot of the "wisdom" that floats in common culture is useless because it sounds nice but ignores that we, like all creatures, are more or less in constant competition. Some people are more powerful than others and exercise that power easily regardless of how worthy we judge their purposes. Here are some examples of things that sound good but are not always effective: being nice, holding eye contact, listening and showing empathy, being generous, treating everyone equally, letting go of the ego and desire. Here are some other popular useless clichés you have probably heard:

• **"** Don't compare yourself to others" - not possible.

• "Everyone needs to be heard out" - some people are idiots.

• "just be yourself" - not helpful if "yourself" is a nervous, self effacing ball of insecurity.

• "You are loveable just the way you are" -You are loveable because of the good feelings you cause in other people. Your dog greeting you at the door is not evidence that you are lovable.

• "There are no failures, only lessons" - If failure didn't have consequences who's daughters would strip for us?

**Almost no one does the work**

I don't want to describe this process as "rebirth" and tell you to give yourself a new Indian name. On the other hand I am describing what may be a big change in the way you think and project, particularly if you have been conditioned to shying away. You will be acting differently. If it feels strange and forced then good - this will likely help you a lot. If you feel shaky do it anyway – that's how vomiting fear feels. Do it because the alternative, being little, sucks. Do it even though you are not going to get it perfect. Do it until it does not feel strange.

You want to move quickly from the thought "I'm trying to be" to "I am". The mindset does not happen without the behavior change and vice versa. Push. I have a hard time imagining a reasonably healthy person not getting results following a plan based on what I layout.

There is nothing dishonest or fake about self change. In fact if someone is not working on improving themselves then I think they may be complacent or lazy. The way we think, feel and act are simply habits. You don't need to change what you like and dislike - you can collect stamps, be a Trekie, go to Furbie conventions...well maybe not Furbie. You can be all that you are PLUS confidence. You know who you are, where you are going, and will move yourself strongly toward being that person, inside and out. You may be giving up the comfort of worn in patterns of thinking and behavior that no longer serve you and it will feel shaky at first. Some people describe projecting strongly even when feeling weak is "fake it till you make it". That doesn't sound "authentic". You make and build "authentic". Listen to Amy Cuddy's very moving TED talk. You want the skill to project strength regardless of how you feel. Give yourself credit for, and relish, every improvement you make and every success you have.

Unless you run with a very successful, cool crowd, few people you meet will seek, understand, and be capable of sustaining the mental state, and behavior I'm describing. They may have read the book but they don't do the work. They learn the buzz words with no follow through or understanding. You will love the moment when you realize "holy shit I'm only half way toward my goal and I'm out performing almost any man I come in contact with."

Here are some facts you can bring to mind when you feel your motivation lacking.

1. It is rare to find someone who makes real, sustained, independent effort at anything. Ask any teacher. "When the going gets tough"...most people find something easier to do. You are committed to the program.

2. A tiny bit of practice guarantees victory over those with no practice. Take 10 minutes to learn the Sicilian Defense in chess and you will beat anyone who does not know it. You will have more than a little practice if you work The Program.

3. Most people are fragile balls of ego, regardless of how skillfully they project. Sting's song "how fragile we are" is so true. Take away their job, or marriage, have them endure suffering, or put them in a strange environment and most men will stumble or fall. Working your program, you will learn to come back to solid ground when faced with adversity.

4. A lot of men, for societal reasons I think, have become feminized or confused. You don't have all that much competition.

5. Life is hard because life is hard - not because you screwed up – not because you didn't try hard enough – not because of you. You'd be an arrogant bastard to think so. People don't do what you want them to do. Situations don't go like you want them to go. These are basic facts of life. You are not responsible for outcomes. You are responsible for putting forth effort – what happens happens. If you don't like it, smile at God's wisdom.

The vast majority of people lack the will and self discipline to make significant accomplishments. How many people do you see at a beginners dance lesson do you see on the dance floor a month later? (almost none if dance isn't in your thing) The situation is the same for would be body builders, black belts, guitarists, athletes, performers, authors and scholars. Personally, I don't consider taking classes, or even getting a college degree a huge accomplishment in itself. Most of the decisions of most people's lives are made by other people. There is little formal training to counter this. You must earn your freedom on your own.

Having coordination, health, intelligence, and natural talent makes any athletic or artistic feat easier. They make it easier because you will reach a higher level of proficiency faster and that is motivating. But even if we are born with some natural gifts those will likely fade with age. A great deal of enjoyment and income can be had without being the best at something. The best way to compete and win is to compete with your past self - "how much better am I than I was yesterday."

Avoid hero worship because it saps motivation – which I define as the following of stars to get the vicarious experience of success and accomplishment. The downside to doing this is a subtle sense of inferiority because we can not help but realize we are not them. We will never be the "best" we see on TV, so why try. Similarly, watching pornography gives the vicarious experience of sex but can lessen the possibilities of, or reduce the enjoyment of real sex. I'm not saying reality shows, arena sports, and tabloids are porn but they must not become substitutes for the real thing.

What can you do? Get used to generating a sense of accomplishment by your own yardstick and rules. Myself, I don't watch TV, watch only a little sports, seek out experts for advice, take lessons, practice, document even small improvements and reward myself for them. Sometimes the reward is a drink, snack, sometimes its spending money.

A warning. If you follow the path I describe, you will begin to understand the saying "It's lonely at the top." Most people are not doing the training you are doing and you may not be able to hold them to the same expectations you hold yourself to. You may find yourself seeking people more like your new self as your close friends – people who have earned your trust and who have learned to trust you. There won't be many.

It is possible that you will find yourself alone more often. But you may also find that you enjoy solitude. You will no longer need the background chatter of bars, text messaging, or social media to feel secure. Look for the youtube video Reinvent Your Life, and All The Way – both videos to poems by Charles Bukowski.

You may also find yourself pushed to take leadership roles, even if just socially. This will happen because so few men have confidence and solid internal stasis and people abhor a vacuum in leadership. When you project confidence you project power. Notice how easy it is to identify who is the boss in a meeting even before it starts – The leader projects confidence and other people treat them with deference. That will be you. Some people will accept you in that role only after you are tested. You will notice this in small ways, maybe a back handed remark at first. The higher you rise, the more your resolve will be tested – that means you will be criticized and insulted. I challenge you to find an example of a leader who is not. People who trust you may even be somewhat disappointed if you do not step up to the role.

# 2. Inner Game

_"Everything is created twice, first in the mind, then in the world"_ \- Stephen Covey.

First I'll talk about the inner game. Socially skilled people can function at a high level regardless of what they are feeling at the moment. But life becomes much easier when your inner emotional state is in synch with your outward projection.

**Goals for your psychological state**

Mastery of your inner game will manifest in your attitude, and project in your actions and words. The words "Calm, collected, steady, light hearted, assertive, confident, level headed, un-reactive, open, and flexible" describe you.

A confident man is strong, persistent, and resilient. He is somewhat hardened to the world – a tough guy who is hard to knock down. The web site called "The Art of Manliness" has some material on this. The training program for Navy Seals is extreme and designed to weed out the weak of body or mind and strengthen those who make the cut. One must experience and triumph over hardship to develop strength. Many men do this by taking up a challenging sport like climbing, skiing or boxing. The important thing is doing at least a few things that are risky and difficult for you. Push yourself and congratulate yourself. Fail to toughen up and the inner daemon of self doubt will keep you from doing what you really want.

A way to visualize your goal is to think of a man, real or fictional, you admire – a strong masculine role model. For example, I'd like to be like a George Clooney character. The behavior of his characters I call outer game. The inner game is the thoughts and attitudes that would be behind such a character if they were in the real world. Pick a couple of guy-guys in the media and pay attention to how they act, their mannerisms and attitude. Look for the video "5 Easy Steps To Be Effortlessly Charming" which focuses on Clooney's style.

Try to have your mind focused on external circumstances, other people, and problems. There will be times alone, when you are intentionally internally focused. But even then you will be directing your thoughts to those generating feelings of effectiveness, confidence, proficiency, accomplishment and competence. Or, and I know this sounds contradictory, to not giving a shit about what happens because you are going to die anyway. The main character in "The Fight Club" conveys this second path. The fancy words for this are "letting go of attachment to outcomes". Either path, or better yet a combination of both, can lead to you acting boldly and that is the result we are looking for.

To change your inner game, you must experience successes, recognize the feeling of success, remember that feeling, and choose that as your normal state. If you are coming from a real problem situation alcoholism, or a long depression, and have few actual successes, you will have to forget the failures and focus on the good stuff you are, and will continue to make happen. Your first steps will be a bit smaller.

You usually can't just will yourself out of a funk and into feelings of power. A couple of tumblers of scotch will get you there until you destroy your life followed by from what I hear is a painful death from liver disease. That's why this book has "The Program". It's physical things any man can do that will bring him to a happy, positive state of mind. They are not magic. You have to keep at it.

**Confidence**

The inner game is all about maintaining self confidence. Confidence is the main source of a man's power. Since you are a man it is a feeling that is natural to you. You want that feeling most or all of the time. It should become so familiar to you that you can recall the felling on demand. Basically you are shooting for being a guy's guy - Everyone likes hanging with you because you are fun to be with and strong.

On dating sites the most common requirements listed by women are "Confidence" followed by "the ability to make her laugh". When you project confidence women will tell you how sexy you are. While its nice to hear these complements, but don't rely on women, even if you are skillful with them, to obtain most of your feeling of self worth. Again...your self worth is based on the criteria you set. The criteria you set should be challenging but obtainable for you – brushing your teeth every morning is not enough unless you are handicapped to the point that brushing your teeth takes real effort.

Confidence is the feeling that everything is going to be fine – that you can deal with whatever arises. That feeling allows you to drop self consciousness in interactions so your mind can focus on the other person, the situation, and look for humor, as opposed to working to defend your ego. As you build confidence, your interpersonal effectiveness increases, and your confidence is reinforced. Add the testosterone feedback loop to this and you will be unstoppable. The feeling of confidence and well being is chemical - nothing mystical. It is something we can have some control over by working on our bodies and thoughts.

From experience as a counselor and conversations with successful people, I find that everyone suffers some concern about whether they are liked. The trick here is to not stake your self worth on the acceptance of the person you happen to be talking with at the moment. You have confidence you can make all the friends and contacts you need. Whether the individual you happen to be talking too likes or dislikes you is not very important.

We are moving toward a goal that does not need to be fully obtained to yield results. In one sense, confidence is no more magic than being good with people. Some of that skill can be automatic. I have a close woman friend whose internal state is often a horrible mess, but in any social situation she is always "on" - engaging, funny, charming..

Keep your eye on your outer goal: to be a person people love to be around. You can't give people what you yourself do not possess. Feel and project happiness and contentment and people will feel energized and motivated and just plain happy when around you. Joke and tease. You are making the space around you a good place to be.

Finally, when the playing field appears rough, remember Ruiz's second agreement: "Don't take things personally". Most people's reactions to you are actually people reacting to their own history – baggage if you will. If their reaction to your fun, playful, joking, or even challenging remarks is not positive, that's their issue. Ignore them or tell them to get on board.

**Openness**

_By removing anxiety, you can really have everything in play. If you have acceptance for everything, you are in a position of maximum freedom._ \- artist Jeff Koons.

Having an open, non-judgmental attitude allows you to connect with a wide variety of people. Being open and receptive to people reduces anxiety in yourself and others. Being able to relax others is a powerful thing. Being accepting of people and their ideas gives you more options. Another word for more options is freedom.

Listen to how often you think and speak in terms of he/she/this situation/this thing are "good" or "bad". Do you use the words "must" or "should" very often? Black and white thinking paints you into a corner. If you live by rigid rules and have to have everything "just so" look for books and practices to loosen up. Buddhism for example.

**Staying Cool**

Anytime you start to feel heated calm yourself down. Demonstrate emotional control and a mind that is not easily sidetracked. When you are cool you can think strategically. You can rationally decide if it is in your best interest to stay quiet, answer, or retaliate, and if so, when and in what manner.

Do a quick reality check. What thoughts are stirring your emotions? Most negative thoughts and behavior – defensiveness, anger, lying, blaming/grudges, and in general being little - are the result of our mind racing to protect our ego. Sometimes we feel vulnerable but are in no real danger. We feel attacked when we were just being teased, or the other person is just acting like a harmless jerk. Possibly the other person is just a little socially awkward. As you build social competence, which is covered in this book, you will build confidence. As you do, the ego will not need so much protection.

Possibly something someone says, maybe just a friendly remark, triggered pain or defensiveness in you. Make a mental note when it happens – that is, know what triggers bad feelings in you so you can catch it. If you feel thrown by a comment, or a behavior, use discipline to delay reacting. Then take a pause to come back to center. Tell yourself "I'm good, he's good, its all good".

Who you are is most clearly your business and you determine that. Let go of petty negative thoughts and feelings toward others and yourself. You won't have to schedule practice time for this. Life will deliver that for you, over and over.

The stronger you get, the less you will be thrown by immediate circumstances. Short term setbacks will not have much effect on your emotional state. You can deal with minor setbacks by reviewing your successes and putting them into perspective - taking the long view. You will be steady like a rock, and not easily thrown from your course, your beliefs, or your inner state of contentment and happiness. You can measure your progress by monitoring these types of feelings and thoughts: How many times during a day do you feel upset or angry? How often are you tempted to change your plans or re-think your goals because of minor, short term, setbacks?

Technically, a confident person can not be insulted or offended. He is truly his own man – responsible for his own thoughts and feelings. If he is black and someone says "how good it is to finally meet a hard working black person" he thinks "you are clearly a pathetic person" without the slightest doubt or even resentment. The corollary is that you are not responsible for other people's feelings.

**Your values and your story**

_"The people who stand still, who stand firm in Truth, usually are the most vital, the most active, the most contributing people we know. We are aware of an inner strength in them. They know they are firmly grounded. They act from strength, not fear. They are not pushed about by life, but have an inner control, a sense of direction."_ \- Rev. Martha Smock, Half Way Up the Mountain

Who are you and what are you about? How would you like to be introduced to a new group of people? Steve Covey has an exercise: what would you like people to say about you at your wake?

Successful people don't ponder long or need certainty or guarantees. They act quickly. Knowing your values helps you take sure, positive action.

**Your values** are a product of your culture, upbringing and experience. They are not sacred to other people. They are not, and you should not think of them as immutable. You should be clear and committed to your values. But you must not be rigid. You need to dump any bullshit values. The worst values are crippling excuses for not taking action. Here is an example: "I believe in politeness to women, or ministers, or teachers or whatever. I would never insult these gentle creatures." Call bullshit. If you are shown disrespect or lied to you should respond.

From values you can deduce principles to live by. Religious values usually have a basis in social reality. That is, if you follow them, your life will go more smoothly. Having solid principles helps you deal confidently with difficult or frightening situations. Values mitigate the effect of unstable emotions and allow you quickly take correct action – actions you will not regret later. Think of an emergency situation where you don't have time to contemplate: a car wreck, fire or explosion where you and other people have been hurt.

Another example where knowing your values helps you take correct, spontaneous action: Say you value the integrity of your family. That may lead to the principle "Show up for major life events in my family". Your uncle dies and the funeral is in two days across the country. Maybe there will be someone there you'd rather not see, maybe you have to cancel plans and spend money. Your decision is simpler and is likely to have a good outcome if you apply your principle.

People want predictability and to be able to relate to your values. They want to see actions in accordance with your values. You want to indentify values you share with people you talk with and communicate them. Do not point out differences in values. The most effective persuasive arguments are appeals to values. One value you must have if you are to be successful with people is to value diversity of opinion.

I have some exercises that will help you clarify your values in The Program.

**Your Purpose**. Having a sense of purpose coupled with drive is killer combination. I use the word _purpose_ here instead of _goal_ because vision is more abstract. Ideally it goes beyond your personal interests. A vision is motivating not only to yourself, but also inspires other people, possibly to join and help you. Your purpose does not need to be "grand". You do not need to conquer Jerusalem. Jordan Peterson says just choose something to make the world a little better and certainly don't do anything to make it worse. It could be something like: "I want to help people buy the right car for themselves." If you can tell me the mistakes people make in picking a car, stories you've seen play out around poor car choices, how your personal experience with cars gave you some insight on the problem, how you see clearly how these problems can be avoided, particularly expressing some degree of passion for the issue, then I will of course want to help you.

_"_ _The natural impulse of man is to follow, and whoever has the strongest sense of purpose will always dominate the rest_ _"_ – dialogue from Pompeii by Robert Harris.

**Your story.** People understand the world through stories. You want to be able to communicate your world view in terms of your story. Sometimes in conversation you will be talking about yourself. The story of yourself should have basic dramatic elements. Is it march toward destiny? Does your life involve conflicting forces resolving on a higher plane? You are a hero of this story? Is it overcoming adversity and flourishing? It is YOUR story so make it good. You decide what is relevant and how to frame it. If someone tries to frame your story differently than you intend, treat them like they are crazy. Ruiz talks about our story. Google: a summary of his main book: The Four Agreements. Example: I have been told many, many times I am unusual. If my self esteem were bad the title of my story could be "The Oddball Who Did OK". But that sucks. I choose: "The Independent Man who Blazed an Amazing Path". And my motto is _"The opposite of courage is not cowardice, it's conformity."_ \- a quote from senator Jim Hightower.

You can have more than one story and your story can change. We are talking about clarifying your goals, who you are, and your image of yourself. People will tend to see you as you see yourself. Reject treatment from others that is not in accordance with your self image. Example: Someone shows up late for a date/meeting/appointment. That is disrespectful. Let them know you didn't expect that. If they continue showing up late set a limit or break it off: "I'll meet you at the coffee shop but I want you to call me when you are there." The general pattern for setting limits is to tell the person the behavior you are looking for. If they don't give it, you tactfully tell them what the consequences will be, which is sometimes to break contact with them.

Everyone has had set backs. But remember successful people don't criticize themselves - they occasionally evaluate If they do look back, they often overestimate their performance. There was a study where successful and not so successful people were given a test. The successful people tended to overestimate their performance on the test. In other words, there is no penalty for being overly generous to yourself.

In telling your story, avoid labels such as shy, sensitive or anything that might be negative for a guy. Do not use such labels in your conversations or your self talk. Labels are hard to through off so choose positive labels. If you're really compelled to say something like, "sensitive". Find a more positive and preferably masculine adjective: persistent, in tune, conscientious, thoughtful, thorough, passionate, open, deep or perceptive. You do not need to project your internal emotional state if it's not cool. That's called wearing your heart on your sleeve. Even girls, who are more emotional creatures, usually manage to stay in control.

There is a tool for straightening out pessimistic, screwed up thinking and stories. It's called Rational Emotive Therapy. Basically you look at the rationality of your own negative thoughts and feelings and come up with more accurate or equally plausible interpretations.. Here is how someone might use RET:

Feeling: Ignored, shunned, embarrassed.

Thoughts: I was not invited to Bobs 4th of July Party. Bob thinks I am poor company.

Reality Check: I haven't talked with Bob for 11 months. He has a lot of things going on. We had a great conversation when we talked last year. The likely truth is that it simply didn't occur him.

Action: Call Bob to touch base before next years party.

Here is a habit of thought that will help you with your story, attitude, and effectiveness: When there are two or more plausible ways of interpreting what happened in a situation (and there always is), choose the interpretation that gives you the most options - the one that is most empowering. For example, instead of thinking:: "He blew me off because he thought I wasn't up to his level" choose something like this "we were wasting our time talking because we are into different things." , or even "He is a socially handicapped clod." if plausible. Its your pick.

The ideal situation for getting your story out in a social situation is if you have a good friend who will toot your horn. And of course you should be helping your friend in the same way. You have to use some judgment as to when and how much of your story to reveal. You can work parts of your story in during natural, light conversation. Touting yourself at the wrong time comes across as bragging and insecure..

**Exactly what your Inner State should look like**

Here are the manifestations of a solid inner game.

• You have a strong, secure base and communicate it.

\- What are you about? Know your passions and desires and be able to convey the feelings they cause in you.

\- You have positive facts about yourself that can be recalled when needed - to yourself or someone else.

\- Think big and act big. Don't use little words to express things that are not little.

\- You want to know your stories so well that you are "off script". Ideally everything is "off script" and your interactions require little effort.

\- Your physical pose, movement and voice re-enforce your internal game. Take up space by taking an open stance, arms not crossed. Move with certainty and in an unhurried manner.

\- Have stamina. You show stamina by staying focused on the conversation - what people are communicating and what they are feeling. Also by not folding when challenged.

\- You are generous and gracious because you have all that you need or can get it when you want it. That includes affection and companionship as well as money.

• Demonstrate healthy self esteem

\- You can stand up for yourself if you are shown disrespect.

\- Expecting more of yourself than others or treating others better than you treat yourself are signs of low self esteem.

\- If you often feel worthless, hopeless and helpless you are depressed. That is a clinical condition that needs treatment.

• Be able to shift your mental focus away from yourself to other people and to the situation at hand

\- People think about themselves most of the time. Usually they are telling themselves a story to support their ego. You must not be thinking of yourself while you are talking. You should be listening and thinking about the state of your audience, what you want them to think and feel. Is your posture, gestures and tone of voice supporting what you are saying?

\- Meditation is practice shifting your focus which is helpful in building that skill.

• You will enjoy yourself and other people

\- Playing the social game might seem like a lot of effort but you will get there. The rewards are high. Enjoy socializing like a game of poker.

\- The Buddha's smile. Smile like you know the secrete - a little mystery. You have the knowledge that there is no penalty for looking at life as a playful game.

\- Let no one steal your joy. Do not put your happiness in another's hands. Go ahead and be possessive about your happiness.

\- If you are not feeling confident it will color your conversation. Filter out any statements that show self consciousness. Any statements about yourself are candidates to filter out. Try to be present, in the moment, and comment on what is going on now.

• You expect good things to happen - expect success.

\- Be thankful and celebrate even minor successes to build momentum. Show exuberance in people and situations that please you.

• You will make decisions and follow through.

\- Set Goals - not too high and not too low and be ready to modify them. Break goals down into small steps turning them into to do lists. Also structure your time.

• Avoid falling into a spiral hole when your chi is low. Catch yourself. I'll sometimes bow out of a social situation for a couple of minutes to do pushups and power pose (confident posture as per Amy Cuddy) and smile in the mirror. Possibly I will also say some affirmations. If you really feel bad, avoid challenging situations until you feel good. You do not want to experience failure. You want to create circumstances that set yourself up for success.

• Make your normal state one of relaxed awareness. Stress, which interferes with your relaxed awareness, is triggered by your interpretation of an external event. Learn to meditate. If you learn to reach a relaxed state in meditation you may be able to recall this relaxed state at will by recalling an antecedent such as a phrase or image or by rhythmic breathing.

\- You can decrease the stress hormone cortisol and increase your testosterone level a lot by simply changing your posture. Have a relaxed open, stance taking up space and the center \- like the gym rats do between sets. These guys know something. Do this even when alone.

• Be able to forgive yourself and others instantly.

\- Forgiveness is letting go of a mental state that is harming you. Google Joel Osteen. He has a great talk/CD on letting go.

\- Imagine a dear friend asking you to help him or her in making a personal change like you are working on. How compassionate would you be? How admiring of his/her courage? Give that to yourself. You must not withhold from yourself what you would give to others.

• Be able to handle strongly negative, potentially disabling feelings such as: fear, insecurity, embarrassment, anger, hurt.

\- There is a tool called IRest meditation practice. Google it. If negative, potentially disabling thoughts and feelings pop up at inconvenient times, try this: Process them at a scheduled time, while you are in a relaxed meditative state. You go ahead and let them come and observe the thoughts and feelings. You don't push back, just describe. Try to let the feelings take a physical form with shape, weight, color, smell, etc. Often it is something in your subconscious that is afraid and trying to protect you. The IRest practice doesn't make emotional hurt less painful but it is useful. Here is what I took away from it:

It helped me conquer a fear. I'm not afraid of feeling emotional pain. Nor am I afraid of standing and being alone.

I'm not thrown when something triggers negative emotions. For example say you run into your ex with her new kick-ass boyfriend at a party. The shitty feelings come, but you are familiar with them so they don't throw you. Say to the feeling: "Welcome old friend. I knew you might be here". These feelings want to be felt, must be felt. Let them come and go passing through you like water, without touching your core. You come back to center and continue to party. You know that you can deal with it later, in meditation, if you need to.

• You can act with integrity because you are sure of who you are.

\- You make good decisions even if those decisions cause you (and sometimes people you care about) to work harder or suffer.

**Things that can screw you up**

You can find these expressed in one way or another in dozens of books and articles.

• False, defeating beliefs. I found The Road Less Traveled helpful in dispelling these. Often our "Values and Beliefs" are formed as reactions to protect our egos, and not very truthful. Here are some outright lies I've caught myself saying: "I'm too old to make it now", "All the low hanging fruit is gone for making big money in technology", "This state is full of Republicans/Democrats/fat people/whatever so I can't succeed". I don't even want to get into the messed up thinking that those sprouted from. I also avoid these pitfalls:

1. Acting like the world operates as you think it should, not as it does

2. Believing your values are important to other people

3. Assuming people will draw the same conclusions you do from the same evidence

4. Give short term, fleeting, problems too much attention

5. Assuming people who are nodding their heads are really agreeing

• Inappropriate taking or not taking of responsibility. People will often avoid responsibility because it commits them to action and that is work. It's also risky and their image is on the line.

In business you can make money be taking responsibility for outcomes. In a sense that is how I make my living (ie. By January 1 I will deliver software and training to fully automate this process). I limit my downside by not owning other people's problems and focus on my part. With a few exceptions, taking responsibility for other people's actions, or their feelings for that matter, is foolish.

• Lack of resolve and persistence. You will be doing this program mostly alone. You will need to structure your time and accomplish to-do items. Sometimes you will have little support and sometimes you will work in the face of criticism and failure.

• Giving in to your "Inner Retard". This is the comedian Christopher Titus's description of the critical voice inside our heads telling us we are (take your pick: stupid, over stepping our authority, being presumptuous, being insensitive, lacking skill, looking like a fool, blah, blah, blah). It's a funny skit about a not so funny human tendency. You might be able to find the skit on-line.

Most of the criticism that holds us back comes from the little man in your head. Even when criticism seems to come from others it's the little man in your head interpreting it who gives it weight.

Remind the little critical man in your head of celebrities and politicians who have made huge, embarrassing public mistakes and recovered - Of the things recovered alcoholics put behind them - of the animated social person who sometimes says stupid things or just makes things up yet people love having them around because they are fun. Remind the little man he is little and on game day he needs to shut up.

It's hard to kill the little man completely. Many writers talk about this phenomena. Chase says this little fearful man comes from ancient times where some social mistakes had dangerous consequences. I think the little man's role is to protect you from shame by telling you to withdraw from social challenges. Of all emotions, shame is the most powerful and the most destructive.

• Lack of desire, interest and direction. Often this is due to a fear of failure and fear of the responsibility - of owning specific goals. Breaking a goal into smaller milestones helps with this. Sometimes failure to commit comes from falsely thinking commitment to a goal limits your options. Sometimes lack of direction is due to not looking hard enough, not reading enough, not talking to enough people, and thus failing to see the path to your goal. Think broadly, creatively and suspend judgment. Learn what brain storming is. Try starting by visualizing a goal which is attractive and compelling, and work backwards by steps, so the path becomes clear.

• lack of honesty and guilt. You do not want to tell lies to yourself or others about what you really want. Who doesn't want a great partner, great sex, accolades, exotic vacations, and a beautiful home. Often taking the spiritual high road is obviously self serving avoidance. You need to know what you really want. You want to be direct and authentic in your communications. This does not mean spilling the beans or being untactful - more on these things later.

You need to know why you are doing any action. There is a purpose. If you go to the symphony because you get a pleasant feeling from the music, that's fine. If you go to please, say, your spouse or boss, that's fine too. One purpose is not better than the other. Just know why you are doing something.

Recognize self serving moralizing. It's a transparent form of lying. If you are doing it stop as soon as you realize it.

• Imposter Syndrome (search P Clance. He studied it). This is a very common feeling among even the most successful people. It's the feeling that our success is gained by cheating in some way. "If people knew the truth about me....blah blah." It's a feeling of unworthiness. Just recognize you're not the only person to have to deal with this internal crap.

• Accept complements you get. Try not to get embarrassed by them but accept them as gifts from other people. React just as you would if someone remembered you like chocolate bars and handed you one. Enjoy and become familiar with that pleasant, enabling, feeling.

• Low expectations from low self esteem. This includes not only expectations for yourself but for how you expect others to treat you. The most effective process for raising self esteem is setting goals, reaching them and congratulating yourself. Set goals that are a bit of a stretch but that you can obtain in a short period of time. They can be changes to your behavior or end results, results being the more advanced. I think the most effective types of goals for building self esteem are improving your own behavior and tracking it, as opposed to measuring yourself against others. However if you are near the top in your field then yes, you can track yourself against your peers. Don't take on the world. Take on the men in your neighborhood. – something reasonable.

# 3. Outer Game - Social Skill

For most people social skills are mostly acquired during teenage years and then refined. If you watch a group of teenagers interact with each other, you will often seeing them trying on different personas, with exaggerated expressiveness, being cute and entertaining. There's no reason you can't continue to refine or acquire new social behaviors at any time in your life, regardless of your actual teenage experience.

See if you can find "Top 10 Coolest Movie Characters" on watchMojo.com. That will give you a solid idea of the type of behavior you're shooting for.

Having a strong Inner Game lets you place your attention on the other person which is key to having social fluency. You can be relaxed and attune to what is going on. What is the other person's body language telling you? What are they feeling? How are they responding? How can you steer them?

There's a lot of detail in this section. Don't try to remember all this stuff the very next time you are in conversation. With practice you will instinctively make the correct decisions, and won't sweat the details or fret over the outcome. Eventually what you need will just come to you. The Program will help you to physically relax. When you are relaxed, you will have better access to your mental resources.

Often what happens is that, as a person gains confidence, they blossom. Attractive personality traits that had been suppressed come to the surface and are expressed spontaneously. A person becomes funnier and a little cockier. It's a beautiful thing.

**Concept of Social Value**

You can think of social interactions like economics: an exchange of value. Value is not an intrinsic trait. It is merely a perception. It is social currency. For yourself you want the value of a well adjusted, skillful, masculine leader. You lose value by showing self consciousness, insecurity, and lack of will and purpose. You want people to feel happy but never by trading yourself down by placating, appeasing, apologizing, or trying too hard. Yeah some people will like it if you placate and apologize but then your currency is spent and you are broke.

You can increase your value by sharing the value of high value friends. You do this by introducing people to each other, particularly if they have something in common or one can help the other.

People only have so much time and energy and so can only cultivate so many friendships. The higher your perceived value, the less effort it will take to maintain friendships.

You also get value if you do hard things and appear to spend little effort. I know it sounds stupid but peoples social reasoning does not put a high value on trying hard. This probably has to do with people valuing genetic fitness.

Some characteristics are valuable in a woman but not a man and vice versa . There are often sexual dynamics involved. Chase Amante elaborates on this in his articles on girlschase.com. From what I've observed and implemented myself, he is dead on in creating sexual attraction. Also the Venus and Mars books explain the many differences between men and woman.

• How important are status symbols

\- They are important up to the point you open your mouth. Then what you say and how you say it become much more important than the car, cloths or slinky blond on your arm.

\- After that, status symbols should not contradict who you say you are. If you are a management consultant, driving a 15 year old Dodge Neon would appear inconsistent. If you are living a life of spiritual simplicity, wearing a Rolex watch would cause people to question your sincerity. Some mystery, some individuality, perhaps a quirk - yes, but weigh your audience. If they just met you they will look for consistency and predictability. This makes them comfortable. They will try to put you in a box and that's fine so long as it's a very nice box of your choosing.

**Characteristics to Project**

Exactly what you do and say depends on the situation, who you are talking to, and your intent. These are generally guidelines, not rules.

• Demonstrate skill. Look for opportunities for people to observe you perform with skill. You could invite them play a sport, dance, show them art or design work, handiwork - whatever you are good at. If you must show something where your skill level is not all that high, do not apologize. They may not recognize it, and even if they do you will likely get some points for being a doer anyway.

\- Smile a lot. You could almost get by with just that. If you feel social tension, let smiling be your automatic reaction to it. You can have a "winning smile" just by making eye contact as you smile.

\- If you speak quickly be sure it does not come across as nervousness. Use pauses. In a subtle way it also shows you expect the other person's attention.

\- Get people laughing. More on this below.

• Convey youthfulness. Youth are full of energy, flexible, attentive, and resilient. Do not lose the train of a conversation. Keep coming back if you drift. Meditation may help you practice controlling your attention. Quick head movements like nodding can show energy but again make sure they don't come across as nervous.

• Convey intelligence/awareness. Express your opinions if they don't conflict directly with those of the person you are talking with. Have some reason for your opinion and that reason should reflect a higher purpose as opposed to something like jealousy. Know something of current events and pop culture. Your conversation will be more interesting with tie-ins to recent news, tabloid or otherwise.

• Be authentic

\- You need your inner game down pat. Don't try to create any impression of yourself other than to express your joy, and to relate your wonderful story, values and goals.

\- Be direct (but tactful). Confident people are not afraid of other people's reactions so risk nothing by being authentic. Being direct also builds trust.

\- People are very hard to fool and are pretty intuitive. If you are not feeling strong enough to project positively, it is better to be quiet or even leave. It is possible to feel strength and feel fear/anxiety/sadness at the same time. If you don't feel enough strength, see if you can find a place to re-group, exercise, center, and power pose.

\- You can "fake it" by relying on patterns like smiling, nodding, and taking an open stance with you body to get through a temporary lapse of confidence or mental lapse. You might rely on some pat, open ended questions and stories. But you will be even more effective when you get beyond these.

\- After enough practice your social behavior will be automatic. You won't show hesitation.

\- When you start getting validation it gets easier (unless you have trouble accepting the attention). Let complements, smiles, laughs and such stir a warm feeling inside you. You earned them.

\- Don't worry about minor screw ups. They are expected, possibly noticed only by you, if noticed, quickly forgotten, and amount to nothing. Friends are quick to forgive and forget. You are a foremost a friend to yourself.

\- We have all seen in some movie, at some time, a scene where someone makes a potentially disastrous statement in say.. a wedding speech, and everyone stares in shock until someone starts laughing and then, pause, pause, pause, everyone laughs. What are these writers trying to tell us? – possibly if we are speaking from truth, it will likely work out.

**How to Be an Engaging Conversationalist**

**Entering**

• How to enter a room, from bar to ballroom

\- Don't come early if you are by yourself. You always want to be engaged in conversation and there will be few people to choose from.

\- In general your body movements should not be rushed and be purposeful. Commit to a movement - that is no hesitation or second tries - for example: to lift a heavy object - you grab it and lift it. You don't struggle with it. Do it or don't do it. Quick movements and sometimes quick speech betray nervousness. A slow pace with both also gives you time to think.

\- Practice a walk. Look at your role model or pretty much any alpha guy. Take up space and take the center. But don't overdo it and walk like a gorilla. You see that a lot in bars.

\- Enter a room and pause, look slowly to the left and right. Look toward the ceiling and smile a little. Continue to enter and get a drink or a snack to give a host or friend time to approach and welcome you. If you see a friend, even an acquaintance, give them a big greeting using their name as though no one else mattered. But let them continue their conversation with whomever if they want. Avoid standing alone. Leave the room and take a little walk or just leave if you can't find someone you want to talk to.

\- If you recognize some people, think of something you like about them. If you are seeing them for the first time, think of something they are wearing you like, or their hair, or possibly their manner of speaking. You should generally like people and not be critical.

\- The most difficult situation is entering when you know no one and everyone else has friends. In that situation, stand near a group of people who are talking and wait till you're acknowledged – someone makes eye contact with you. If they make you stand long – move on, or, if you are feeling gutsy and think you can make them laugh, break in. Don't change the subject they are talking about. Try something along the lines of: "I hear what you're saying. I've seen the same thing." You have to discern their values and find a way to connect. Remember the format for blending into a conversation is saying "Yes and..."

\- If a someone is standing alone, or with people but they are not talking, see if you can make eye contact with one of them. Then walk up, smile, and say "Hi. My name is xxx". If you have a social, friendly group, they may take it from there.

\- Even a group of people who are talking and laughing among themselves may be composed of people who are awkward with strangers. If they don't let you in, don't take it personally.

\- If you have worked on your body, appearance, dress; if you appear successful, if you enter a room showing self assurance, then you are being watched and evaluated - just as you evaluate others. That's part of what social events are about. Continue to express strong qualities in all manners because that is who you are.

\- Get accustomed to putting some pauses in conversation. This gives you time to think, and the other person a chance to talk. If they don't talk, show patience and ask an open ended question, such as their opinion on this or that. If they still don't participate, or at least smile, you may just have to give up and move on.

• Be a host or assist the host. Introduce people to each other pointing out what they have in common or stating something interesting about each.

• You will often want to project warmth and security

\- Begin with a smile and a warm statement - welcome, complement, appreciation, and happiness.

\- Respond to what the other person is saying. Laugh at their jokes. Gesture and touch. Repeat what they just said to show you heard them. If you want to get close and personal, respond and reflect the emotional content of what they are saying. "So you were upset/happy/whatever when blah blah happened."

\- Laugh often, easily and heartily.

**The Conversation**

• To start a conversation.

\- Ask their opinion on something. "You look like an intelligent person, I'm wondering what you think about, blah blah. Don't ask yes/no questions unless you follow up with "why?" You can also open by commenting on something or someone and saying "what do you think?" Example: "Do you like that guys funny hat?

\- Or simply make an observation about the room, the people, the weather, or complement them on something they are wearing.

\- Some small talk is necessary. Its purpose is to just see if the other person is sane, in a receptive mood, and to see if there is some common ground for starting a conversation. The subjects for starting small talk are sports for guys and celebrities for girls. Current news is a good choice for both sexes.

\- Move the conversation beyond small talk, taking it in a personal direction. You have to break the ice again. You can do this my making a humorous and somewhat risky statement about a public person, on a subject like sex, crime, or drugs. Finish the statement with a smile. If the other person responds to this well, follow up by soliciting their opinion on the same taboo topic. Always speak as though you fully expect a positive reaction from the other person.

• Keep the conversation going, fun and lively.

\- Be aware of the environment but focus on the other person. A conversation has flow and direction. To keep the flow, answer "Yes and..." to the other persons comments (this is a technique from improvisational theater). The direction depends on your purpose. Give clues to your purpose early in the conversation or the other person will start to feel weird and start wondering "why is this guy talking to me?". For example, you might say up front that you are looking for someone to go skiing with, or new customers, or help with a project. Asking a girl if she is single gives her a strong clue as to why you are talking with her. Showing your purpose does not commit you to doing anything - just to talk.

\- Free association. You can train yourself to do this. Read, watch and listen to comedians. You can also train for that skill by learning to do improvisational theater. There is no substitute for actually getting in front of a group.

\- Listen for things you share in common and emphasize that. Do not point out how different you are. However you may...

\- Create intrigue. Make a comment about something unusual or unexpected about yourself, then change the subject.

\- Tell stories. Embellish them freely. Realize that people want to laugh and don't care how you do it. To really cement a bond, tell a story that includes that person - "remember the crazy time when we...." .

\- State your desires / wants. It is refreshing and implies you are confident in your ability to get them.

\- Some of the responsibility for conversation is on them. Sometimes people seem defensive or unfriendly because they are shy. You might have to compliment them a little more, get them to smile. But if a person continues to not carry some of the conversation you really have no choice but find someone else to talk too.

\- If the other person is being engaging or entertaining, possibly talking about their accomplishments, enjoy them. They are your friend. Don't go into your head comparing yourself to them.

\- It is more dominant and better for you if the other person leans in toward you as you speak. If you can't hear them you can try motioning for them to come closer to you.

• Make people laugh

\- I've heard it said many times that you can not teach someone to have a sense of humor. This is not completely true. I often find myself using lines taken from comedians I heard while working out, which is why listening to comedy, is part of the The Program. You will be doing it often enough that you can't help but absorb some humor and attitude.

\- Seek to always be light hearted.

\- Tease. Be playful. Try this: People think someone acting like they are in charge are actually in charge. It's amazing what people will do when you act like what you are asking is normal and expected of them. For example, you could approach some women you don't know and say: "I'm making sure there are no under age drinkers here so I'd like to see your drivers license...hum, I see you were born in the year of the muskrat...I think that indicates intelligence and a love of shoes" What you say may be stupid but your smile and open body language makes everything all right.

\- You can approach someone with a humorous remark or short joke, possibly poking fun at a third party, and make them feel intimate with you. It's like a wink. Note that actual winking can work if it feels natural for you.

\- Poke fun at a public person or group, possibly someone in the news, without appearing vengeful, jealous or any such thing. Have no malice.

\- Be cocky. Set the frame that you are successful and fun and well liked. People forgive almost anything if done with confidence and humor.

• You need to know a little about the person you are talking with because they probably will enjoy jokes that target the "bad guys" and get mad if you target their heroes.

• You poke fun with cleverness. In fact all jokes have to have a fall guy or group.

• The fall guy can be you but only if you are already acting from a place of high value.

\- Practice a repertoire of 3-7 jokes. Find some on the web that you like. When you have the lines down pat, you can concentrate on delivery and timing. When you have that down pat then humor becomes easy. With a little creativity you can find a link from the conversation to your jokes. If someone is talking about "dishonest mechanics" then I might change a joke to begin: "there was this mechanic..." Even if doesn't quite fit, people don't care. They love a joke.

\- When people hear laughter, they gravitate toward it which means they will be moving toward you expecting to be entertained. Ideally you should not stop being entertaining. It's kind of a higher stakes situation where you've attracted people and they want to see more.

• Be expressive - talk with your whole body

\- Talk like an Italian. Gesture largely.

\- Take on the voice and expressions of characters in your story. Better yet do accents or imitations. (this takes practice. You can listen to accents on-line and repeat them)

\- Sometimes swearing with men helps set the tone "we are all buddies here". If women are present and the mood isn't already raunchy, you usually won't want to swear.

• Speak with conviction

\- Be big - use strong adjectives like "fantastic" "amazing" "beautiful" "mesmerizing". Be positive. Paint an exciting picture by describing how great it is going to be. This is where your story and vision come in. Or theirs.

• Show complexity and depth

\- It helps to be well read. Talk about your hobbies, or job or anything with some thoughtfulness and insight or a quirky spin - particularly if you can tie in with something the other person said. If they are not showing interest, change the subject or ask some open ended questions to find out their interests.

• Demonstrate leadership

\- This is a very strong kind of social validation that requires garnering respect from others by your actions.

\- Take a leadership role, possibly by volunteering to take on work and responsibility. It takes skill and work but is a very attractive characteristic to have. Sometimes you can do it if an existing leader delegates responsibility to you. Leadership is a heavily written about subject if you're interested.

• Learn to manage other people's emotions

\- Watch their eyes and body language for clues as to how they are reacting to you.

\- You want to be totally calm inside, looking at what's going in inside the other person. You learn the most from their body language, and what you know of their personal situation, than what they actually say. Then think, if I were them, what would I want? Then think, what do I want to give them? Sometimes you want to make them feel relaxed, or proud. Sometimes you will want to challenge them and keep them guessing. When you get this skill down pat, you are a master.

\- Make them feel heard and appreciated. You can do this by re-phrasing what you think they are telling you.

\- You can make them fearful or self conscious. Look at my section "How to Handle the Worst Case Scenario". You might do this if you are attacked, or really dislike them and want them away from you.

• To influence another person

\- Connect personally and show real interest in the person or audience. The bible on this was written in 1932 by Dale Carnegie – How to Win Friends and Influence People. Also read Tony Jeary on persuasion. Everyone, that is everyone, wants the same basic things, has the same needs. They also have some personal issues, probably similar to yours. I'm not going go into detail on this because it's too big a subject and there is plenty of information out there.

\- See the concept of "value proposition" from sales (google it)

\- Also see the concept of "finding their pain". (google it)

\- Understand the other person's needs and wants and satisfy them. Listen and discover before speaking.

\- Reward behavior you want - ie with a complement.

\- Punish behavior you don't want - Drop your attention. Just moving your eyes off to the side is usually enough. An open, ready to walk away, posture reinforces this. The extreme example is to completely ignore a person.

• To forming bonds...

\- Building trust and expressing warmth. Warmth is expressed by showing a sincere interest in the other person. Trust is built by following through on your promises. To be successful in business you must build trust. The main way you do that is by being impeccable with your word. That starts with punctuality but goes much further.

\- Ask open ended questions and use reflective listening when you want to connect strongly and make other person feel good. Reflective listening is re-phrasing what the person just told you, particularly the emotional content, to show you are really listening.

\- Although you might have to initiate the conversation, overall you should seek to understand, then be understood, as per Steve Covey.

\- Touching a woman on the arm, or a guy on the shoulder is a strong indicator that you are very comfortable with that person. Some people will recoil at being touched by anyone but family. Guys generally don't like it but there are exceptions - like when they want to show camaraderie with other high value guys. A few people touch almost everyone they talk to. Watch the space between you as you talk. Close the space a little and see if the other person moves away or stays put. If they are not comfortable with a closer space they will not react well to being touched. Also try tentative touches first, like a tap on the arm.

\- Share your strength. If someone expresses doubt and has a negative interpretation of something in their life, show them a positive way to look at it. Think of you dad telling you "everything is going to be all right". In casual conversation, you do not want to dive deeply into negative emotional content like a counselor might do.

\- Do small favors. Remember something they said they like or want.

\- Show up for important events like weddings and funerals. Send cards.

\- Keep a sense of self and set limits. For instance I will end a conversation if I start feeling used – someone is dumping their problems on me – or continued lack of attentiveness.

\- True bonding comes when you are working toward a goal with others and you have to count on each other. This happens at work but also when you volunteer.

**Gamesmanship**

The people game takes social intelligence and practice. It's kind of what our cerebral cortex is designed for.

• Recognize when you are being gamed. This is not necessarily a bad thing because we are all playing the game. Just know what is going on so your agenda does not get scrapped.

\- What is negging? The word comes from the seduction community but you'll see it in other types of conversation – a negative complement. It's a shade darker than a tease. It's a way to challenge, and possibly cause a little insecurity in the person being negged.

\- Example of a teasing neg: "You have beautiful eyes. Particularly the left one."

\- A more typical neg: point out a very minor flaw in someone and make it funny. Say a woman has a lipstick smear on her tooth, you could say - "Did you take a bite of lipstick?" but you must do it with a smile and seem playful so it does not come off as an insult. Interestingly some people are sensitive and will never take it well while others will jump to the contest and fire back.

• Women, and sometimes guys, will neg a guy to test his confidence and cool. It's normal so expect it. The way you respond depends. Respond self consciously (perceiving a slight when none was intended) then you are "sensitive" and failed the test. It is best to respond with an equally challenging statement. If the test was in the form of a question, don't answer it. Respond in a kidding way, assuming the best, by asking a playful question back with a big smile:

Here is an example. Say you kind of cut in line for the buffet. A woman challenges you: "Aren't you rude to cut in line?" Smile and say: Answer 1: "My ticket says number 10 (pretending there are tickets) . Let me see your ticket...oh no! you didn't get one?." Answer 2. "I'll help you out by telling you what good food is at the end so you don't fill your plate with useless salad." In general, you continue to converse playfully.

• Recognize a qualifying question: "I did my graduate work at Stanford. How about you?"

\- If you want to stop the qualifying you need to make it uncomfortable for them by asking them a probing but related personal question like: "What other schools did you apply for? Was that your first choice? (fishing for where they were rejected from)."

\- Or just say something short and positive: "College would have only delayed my career. I knew exactly what I wanted to do right after high school"

• You may want to ask the other person qualifying questions. It might be one-up-manship or it might be because you want to determine if you want to spend time talking to this person. If you watch you will see that qualifying questions are part of many initial conversations.

• Be conscious of how you use eye contact, eye movement and posture:

\- You can use it to reinforce your overall intention at the moment. Eye contact or lack of it can be used to show your level of interest.

\- You can convey approval or disinterest. Along with your overall expression and voice you can make it confrontational, kidding, or the opposite of what is said. You can use it to make something sexual (look them up and down and smile approvingly). You can use it as a reward. Direct eye contact can be seen as compliant, or intimidating, or confident and friendly, depending on the situation.

\- Raising your eyes to the ceiling as you are talking will communicate you are not taking the person seriously. Looking down can look like you are carefully considering what they are saying. Looking to the side can challenge them to keep your attention. If they work to keep your attention that helps establish your value and status.

• Here is how to give a complement: Good format: "I like the way you..." bad format: "You are so good at.." An even worse format is "You are so much better than me at..." If you use a format that holds you both in esteem you can give complements freely. The value of the complement depends on the social value you are projecting and to a lesser extent, your perceived truthfulness (yes there is a study on this somewhere - people even value complements that are obvious lies).

• Usually asking for advice is similar to a complement. Use it judiciously as a reward. It shows you value a person. It's also a good way to start up a conversation with a stranger.

• Validation

\- You can talk about your accomplishments and skill but it needs to flow into the conversation. You are trying to show value without it being perceived as bragging. Third party validation is much stronger than talking about yourself. Close friends do this for each other - toot each other's horns.

\- Accept complements and non verbal re-enforcements. Ie. Someone playfully taps your shoulder indicating "right on!". A good response could be a big smile to them and a playful cock of the head.

\- Remember other people want social validation and you can do this both verbally and physically: Warm handshakes, laughing at their jokes, touching their shoulder, nodding, winking, smiling. Doing this in front of others is very valuable to people. You can help shy people in this manner.

\- You can't usually complement yourself directly unless someone is asking about you. You can drop names, places and events but do not appear to be conscious of their value, and don't do it a lot. Make your remark as a small footnote in a conversation as if it's trivial and normal. (your job, who you know, things you've done, places you've gone, awards you've gotten, etc). You will really look bad if you appear to be trying to impress and you are falling short.

• There is a chapter called "Status" in the book Impro by Keith Johnstone. He describes how status is communicated. I can't stress enough how important your stance, stride, movements, voice, posture, facial expression, and direction of gaze are.

**Leadership**

" _I know that courage comes with less struggle for some than for others but believe that anyone who desires it can have it. That desire is the thing itself. The thing itself! I could think of nothing else of which that is true._ " – monologue from the novel "All The Pretty Horses" by Cormac McCarthy

A lot has been written about leadership. Just a few comments on this.

• . Leaders have courage which is a precursor of confidence. Leadership is a role with responsibility. You are leading a group of people toward a common goal

\- Leaders hold the vision and generate enthusiasm

\- Many leaders display high level social / spiritual attributes such as compassion and fairness.

\- Leaders motivate through rewards and sometime punishment. Thanking people for their work motivates people. Recognition in the form of an award motivates people.

\- Although most people want to be led, they will only follow somebody they respect. It they doubt your confidence, they will test you with criticism and through up barriers. It helps but you don't need to be loved to lead. You do need respect.

\- Work your plan. Always know the next step.

\- Get used to taking action in the face of uncertainty.

\- Turn goals into to do lists. Then execute.

\- If you procrastinate, break a task into smaller steps and take the first step

\- Also if a problem is complex, break it into smaller problems

\- Convey confidence and use humor. Remember people love talking to confident people so much they will overlook some bull sh*t if it entertaining. It takes the onus off them and they are often relieved and thankful.

• How to lead in conversation

\- Leaders set the frame of the conversation. That is they set the subject and the mood, and thus also set the rules. For example, say you are climbing in the mountains and a storm rolls in. A good leader, by his tone of voice, manners, and what he says will set a frame somewhere between "this is a quirky bit of fun weather we are having" to "This is urgent. We need to move fast and find shelter". Even in party banter one takes the lead by setting the mood - playful, serious, flirtatious, conspiratorial, collaborative, etc and also the subject of conversation. By setting the rules of the game, the leader exerts a lot of control over the outcome – "buy my product", "donate to the cause", "come to my bed". This takes skill, self control, and assertiveness – smiles, gestures, posture, tone of voice and what you say. One thing you do is to reject and discourage any effort by others that is not in congruence with the frame you set. This means you need to be rock solid – confident.

Take the lead as often as you can but particularly when:

\- When no one else seems to be leading.

\- Definitely take the lead when a problem is stated or arises and people look at you. If you are working The Program, that may happen rather soon.

\- Ignore bores and if it can be done tactfully, shut down people monopolizing the conversation at others expense.

-Sometimes people are not doing anything wrong but are just wasting time, directionless, because no one else will step in. You should step in.

• Dominance

A Jordon Peterson says the basic neural structure for comprehending, measuring, and asserting our place in the social hierarchy has been present in creatures as primitive as lobsters since 250 million years ago. Indeed human cognitive ability stems from the complexity of managing our place in the social hierarchy. Being at the bottom of the pecking order means you will suffer very much and die early. The purpose of this book is to move you high up the ladder.

\- You want to recognize characteristics of dominance \- watch a business meeting where there are some stakes. You will know who the boss is before introductions begin - by who looks at who, by the way people move.

\- Dominance is a status relationship. Women usually feel sexual in the presence of a dominant man. Chase (google Girls Chase) explains it under the topic of _Getting Compliance_. You won't get much compliance unless women respect you and they will test you first. Men on the other hand feel humiliation and resentment if dominated. They will react by fighting back or leaving, although sometimes they will resign themselves to it – if for example their job depends on it, if they are going to get punched in the face, or go to jail.

I'm a single guy, so my social context is often flirting. I think flirting is a high level skill because you are being judged, there is real competition, and you get immediate feedback. I also believe there are sexual overtones to almost all human interaction. But regardless, in all social situations a man wants to display confidence and capability. The only difference in dealing with men is other men don't want you to act dominant to them - they want to see you as strong, and then be your equal - to be your buddy. In some settings "all business" women will react like men but they are not that common. One reason I'm saying the "all business" woman is uncommon is because of a study. A variety of women, including managers/bosses, were asked to wait for an interview in an office that was decorated in an overtly masculine way. All women experienced the same physical signs of excitement, measured by heart rate, perspiration and self conscious movement.

I can only think of two situations where I might accept a role that is less than dominant or equal. One is getting pulled over by a cop. The second is dealing with an insecure boss who is holding the purse strings and I don't want him to feel threatened. And even in those cases its probably a mistake to act subordinate. A cop will respect someone when he thinks he's pulled over an alpha guy like himself, and maybe cut you a break. And eventually the "boss" will take advantage of your submission. I think bouncers, and a lot of athletes have an interesting situation \- They are working for alpha club owners but are all about testosterone themselves.

**Leaving**

• Know when to leave

\- Only stay if you are having a great time and are fully engaged with people. Otherwise leave before you find yourself standing along, or talking to people who bore you. There is the scarcity principle. You should not be too available.

\- Try not to break conversations because you run out of steam or get self conscious. If you sense this push yourself. The other party needs to carry their end of the conversation and if they are not, you should initiate the ending. Don't put too much effort in getting someone rolling. If the other person seems to be getting bored of the conversation, end it. Ideally with an upbeat statement like: "That was hilarious about the golf cart tipping over. Hey, I need to say hi to some friends..."

\- Don't leave while someone is speaking or during a performance. In other words don't be rude.

• How to say goodbye

\- Finish on a high note. You should be able to control this. Ideally you initiate the end during the flow of conversation. First by hinting that you must go, give a complement, preferably something specific and relevant to the conversation. The specific ending words will depend on what you want to happen later. "I know you have friends here you haven't said hi to yet. I was interested in what you said about horse racing and horse owners. I hope we can talk about this again, ...."

**Mistakes to Avoid**

• Don't "Spill your guts" or "let it all hang out" or show "warts and all". Doing that is a weird masochistic thing. Save confessions for the priest. Any facts that might reflect poorly on you should be reveled only on a "need to know" basis.

• Never refer to yourself using any of these or similar words: Hopeless, lost, clueless, confused, overwhelmed, depressed (yes depression is common but it is a mental illness thus private). If you would use these words to describe another man you would in fact be insulting them. Don't give undue weight to negative things. Maybe you are just sad, concerned, or looking at options or reorganizing your priorities.

• Don't make self deprecating remarks with one exception: If you have so much perceived value that you are scaring the other person. If you do take a knock at yourself, do it as an inside joke, or by sharing a possibly charming quirk you have. The worst is bragging followed by compensating self deprecating remarks. It's called _false modesty_. So don't do that.

• Don't apologize for small stuff. Doing that is like saying "please like poor little me. I am innocuous."

• Share feelings that are positive or help make your case. Guys trying too hard to be macho often avoid feeling statements altogether and it looks like part of their brain is missing . Passion is a good thing to express. Testosterone drives some strong feelings. "I enjoy ...., I appreciate..., I love..., etc.". The trick to expressing feelings is to also show self control and clear thinking at the same time.

• Steer away from statements that express doubt as to your direction, intentions, or values.

• Solicit the other person's opinions but not their opinion about you. You should assume it is high. There are always exceptions – for example, you might want to show very high self confidence and mutual respect and camaraderie by asking a friend their opinion on your performance.

• Don't complain and don't explain. A guy was telling me about his new job and then explaining why it wasn't a demotion. I would have thought the new job gave him more freedom or less stress. But instead he felt he had to justify it.

Don't talk about your therapist. Women can talk about having counselors. Many behaviors, like showing vulnerability, being emotional and very empathetic, are fine for woman but not fine for men. These behaviors can increase a woman's value.

When a woman talks about a personal issue she wants you to listen to her, and possibly help. It is untrue that they do not want thoughtful, non critical, advice. They are often looking for affirmation. Women rely heavily on their girlfriends and trusted guy friends opinions. Their social network is everything - a source of value, source of wisdom, source of comfort, source of power. They are always working on their network and relationships. Sometimes they get tons of advice from women friends and want to get a man's opinion and ask you because they respect you. It is not an invitation for you start talking about your problems.

• If you are flirting: consider that some women need you to open up (not prematurely and not too much) to feel emotionally intimate. They also need to feel safe with you. Men's testosterone can make them volatile and women want to make sure anger will not be directed toward them, and that your moods are predictable.

• Also if you are flirting: don't assume anything just because a woman is talking with you. Women are not generally afraid of talking to guys. Talking is how they navigate the world. Guys tend to talk with a purpose in mind. Women talk for talk itself.

• Only rarely would a guy comment on another guys feelings: "I think Bob is feeling sad today". You might do it if he and you and the person you are talking to are close friends or relatives.

• A magician never reveals his tricks.

**Critiscim**

As you change people who know you may or may not give you positive feedback. Even people who love you may not want you to change. People hate change because it makes them more work. They have to re-adjust their cognitive map. But still, you need to dump or avoid unsupportive people. If you are becoming more assertive, some people will not like it. If there are difficult people you can not avoid, you will have to teach them how to treat you by setting limits on your interactions with them. You may have to teach what are the proper subjects of conversation when you do interact.

Since you are trying some new techniques and attitudes, you will be looking for indications as to how you are doing, including negative feedback. Some of the negative feedback is completely useless and is directed at harming you or is misguided. It is hard but important to tell the difference between useful and harmful negative comments. Both useful and useless negative feedback will generate the same emotions and you will have to handle them.

The more public you are (think about politicians), the more likely you will encounter some misanthropic people. They may come at you with hate and poor self control. These Walter Mittys also tend to come at you in groups (think of twitter mobs). Since nobody in the real world will give them the time of day, they go to social media platforms where they troll.

Always give yourself the benefit of the doubt and take into account other person's situation and motivation. Also remember people want to see some resilience and thick skin. If you are not ruffling some feathers, you might be playing it too safe.

A little game that can prepare you to handle criticism: before you enter a room with an intention of projecting value and being assertive and witty, see if you can identify a person who will not like what you do. If you are looking to build value, pissing some people off does not always hurt you, particularly if others see pettiness, insecurity, jealousness, self interest, in the pissed off one. "When I act, I am always certain, even when I'm wrong" is how one successful business man describes his attitude. You might also try an attitude of "don't like me or what I'm doing? Ask me if I give a sht.".

If someone ignores you when you talk, they are being rude. Sometimes successful people really don't have time for all the people who want to "know" them, and so appear aloof. But often you get snooty behavior from want-to-bes pretending they are too busy for you. If you are ignored, it may because you are not talking loudly, not posing strongly or not gesturing emphatically. If you continue to be ignored, leave the situation.

**How to Handle Rough Situations**

Peoples greatest fear, even more so than public speaking (and the psychologically related common dream of being in public and realizing you have no cloths on), is getting into a verbal confrontation in public and getting tongue tied. It's what often happens when the villain gets his comeuppance in movies. Not every situation is a cocktail party. It might be a nightclub with loud hip hop music, and people who are drunk and high. You want to avoid public confrontations but it can happen. Before you use anything in this section, make sure you are not over reacting and you all aren't stone drunk.

The best outcome in a verbal battle is where you are completely unruffled and defuse the situation with some humor while shutting your opponent down. The worst case is you get punched in the face. You can't always just walk away.

There are some questions, that when asked, make almost anyone self conscious, a fact that can be used offensively. Some comedians ask people what they do for a living to make the audience more submissiveness. If you really want to play hardball, think along these lines: Could I change the subject to a personal area where he may not want to go? Maybe their lack of fitness? Maybe some inconsistency? Maybe some relationship at home or work? Finding and exploiting weakness is like learning karate - you may never have to use it but knowing it and being willing to use it makes you fearless.

If the other person is clearly insulting you, your first defense is to totally ignore their question or comment. If they keep coming at you and you find yourself tongue tied, pause, look down, and shake your head as if to say "you are so sad I am embarrassed for you". Then go on with what you were doing ignoring the other person.

Here is an example of some jockeying:

Example where I and my date are introduced to SomeGuy and his group: SomeGuy: "What do you do for a living?" Me: "I'm a programmer." SomeGuy: "I own an equipment manufacturer. I hire programmers."

If it is a completive social situation, that comment implies dominance and I don't like it. From earlier questions I know that: 1. He probably doesn't know jack about computers. 2. He has a small company. From experience I know that small companies can not afford good programmers. And thus any computer project probably is not going well. So I asked him what his computer people were working on and how it was going. I steer the conversation to having him explain his problems to me.

If you accept a swat, you'll likely get swatted again.

**Misc Tips**

Social Media. There is probably some way to use social media effectively. I personally don't use it. It is probably good to network with people - follow up with birthdays, holidays, sharing pictures, calendars and such. You also get a gateway to the underbelly of humanity, and can get sucked into it. Use lots restraint.

Emails and text. It is too easy to miss communicate with these mediums. You will always do better face to face. Digital mediums are unreliable or delayed and that can cause misunderstanding. Unless you are a skilled writer and tight with the other person it is generally better to limit texts to working out logistics - like where and when to meet.

Ask a trusted male friend if he sees any ways to improve your game. There are some men who are sabotaging themselves with easy to fix things like an annoying laugh, or bad breath.

You should be capable of a steady, low, measured, authoritative tone of voice when called for, like during business meetings.

When you are looking for specific results over and over, you need to come up with a process - three to five steps you will repeat to get predictable results. For example you could follow a process to throw a good party, close a sale, talk to a girl.

Never give up. If you miss even a month of workouts, you catch yourself, and you get back on The Program. If you blow your diet and over eat, say STOP, and you get back on your diet. Don't beat yourself up over mistakes, even if the consequences continue for awhile. Congratulate yourself for coming back.

# 4. The Program

_Of exercises, games, gymnastics, the reader must understand that we inculcate the regular and appropriate practising of them not as a pastime, to be done in a genteel club way, but as a real live thing, a part of a robust and perfect man._ – Walt Whitman

The Program is a workout and some exercises you will use to build and maintain your confidence and build a healthy body to boot. I spent six months fooling with some ideas from here and there and had some success. I modified it as I went and have now been with The Program described below for another 15 months. I now get pretty much what I want dating wise and I have more income opportunities that I have time to exploit. There are physical and psychological components to my daily routine. You will be doing regular readings from material that will set your mood. You are not to slack off when you start getting some results. I expect you to get some results pretty quickly. Feel free to modify the program to better fit you. You will probably do some version of this routine the rest of your life. Make it something you love to do.

**Do this every possible day**

A regular practice of physical exercise is the single most effective thing you must do. Google Leo Babauta's story: "What the Exercise Habit Did For Me. Also, Walt Whitman the poet, under the pen name Mose Velsor wrote a regular column called "Manly Health and Training". He talks about regular training, athleticism, boxing, the dangers of a soft life, and living too much in your head, and the need to be tough. One reason that exercise has a profound positive effect on your mood and mental health is that you can see the results in the mirror, and measure them with a scale.

Make a weight training log with things like exercise type, reps, weight. You will exercise _at least_ 3 times a week

Going to the gym is good but your home will work too. I have some physical problems and I prefer working out at home where I am not tempted to compare myself with others. My bench and weights are in my basement. A friend has his bench right beside his desk in his office. I keep my weight lifting log on the wall above my scale. You will weigh yourself after each workout.

You may also choose to keep a journal. Its purpose is primarily to monitor two things: Your Discipline and Your Attitude. A couple of sentences about where you are and what your plans are is all you need.

This is your workout:

You will need

1. Some kind of exercise equipment or membership at a gym.

2. The ability to listen to the comedy channel and music on Pandora, Spotify, Youtube or some such streaming service.

3. A mirror

4. A stiff piece of paper mounted high enough to see and write on it

5. A scale and possibly calipers for measuring body fat

6. Reading material that sets a guy's guy attitude. Finding good reading material takes some effort. See step 4 below.

7. About an hour

Throughout your whole workout, mirror talk, reading, and meditation, you will power pose. Watch Amy Cuddy's TED talk to learn what power posing is. When you do it you can feel the testosterone boost because you will feel good - like the master of your world. Generally you walk, move and stand like you own the planet. Your thoughts while doing it are in the flavor of "I am one tough Mother Fkr".

Step 1, Prayer or Affirmation

Your workout is a sacred ritual and you should begin it with some kind of formal statement or prayer. It can be a prayer of thankfulness, a statement of your loving intentions to others, or simply the Our Father or a common short prayer in your faith.

Step 2, Excercise

Lift weights and possibly add stretches, aerobics, a bag workout - whatever you want for however long you want. Just make sure you do it and log it. Do it anytime during the day. I always try to get a workout in before I go to a social engagement or date.

The posing while lifting is very important. That's why you see mirrors all over gyms. It significantly raises your testosterone. The mirror gives you immediate feedback you can be proud of. Smile the entire time and congratulate yourself for keeping to your plan. Admire your progress. If you are just maintaining muscle tone, then admire that.

While you are exercising you will listen to comedy which you can stream from a site like Pandora or youtube. It will put you in a playful, teasing state of mind and turn your wit on. Notice how comedians go into very personal stuff quickly. You can learn from that. Go for comedians with attitude like Ron White, Brian Regan or Christopher Titus, Bill Burr.

Step 3, Mirror Talk

Zig Ziglar has an exercise which is reading a positive, powerful script about what kind of person you are to yourself in the mirror. But it's more powerful to write your own script or improvise each time.

While talking to yourself in the mirror, answer questions of this nature: "What do I want?", "What do I love?", "What kind of guy am I?", "Where am I headed?". "Why is what I do important?", "What am I doing to make the world a tiny bit better?" There are exercises in the back of this book to help you if you can't answer these right off the bat.

Step 4, Read

When you are done talking to the mirror, you will be ready to read a page or two from something motivational written by men for men. Try to find the A2daMir archive on the web. This link may work.

 http://web.archive.org/web/20130817122905/http://www.fastseduction.com/archives/

Here is a posting from Ad2daMir:

_GYM GYM GYM..start working out... I can't stress that enough...I don't use frame control or any tactics ... instead I bust my ass of at the gym 5-6 days a week, and you won't believe how good it makes me feel...it gives me so much confidence, and most of my game skills come from very very high confidence...I don't go out to get phone number, I go to a club with the mentality of "Which lucky girl with be with me tonight?-_ Ad2daMir

For a long time I chose to read posts by A2daMir because his type of detailed, personal, honest material is very hard to find. Yes it's mostly about picking up women but I've never seen such detailed, insightful analysis of real human interactions with the intension of helping other men. Unless you are a 25 year old body building pickup artist, from Boston, you probably don't want to act exactly like A2daMir. But do you want his testosterone charged attitude. Think of him as a workout buddy and you are shooting the breeze with him at the gym.

Although written a long time ago, you could google: Mose Velsor , Manly Health and Training. Also look at men's sites: artofmanliness.com, anearformen.com, returnofkings.com for possible links to more material.

Step 5, Measure and Record

Record your workout – type of exercise, reps and sets. Record your weight and/or caliper measurements. Record your next page number in your readings.

You want low, low body fat. If you can't get rid of some excess body fat, you are wasting your time because seeing your success in your body is critical to this working. For body builders diet is very important. Pick what diet you want but whatever it is stick to it. Exercising self discipline and feeling that success is a big part of your program working for you.

Step 6, Meditate.

Finally as you are feeling that warm muscle burn that follows a good workout, do a 10-15 minute mediation, with relaxed breathing (5 counts in, 7 out), while watching the nature of your thoughts as they roll by. Marinate in the feeling of success and competence generated by your routine.

I recently, temporarily, added a step where I make a short entry in a separate paper prayer journal at this point that includes elements of thankfulness and good wishes for others and myself to address an area where I felt I needed a little work. The point is the routine is not set in cement.

If you do this work out right, your T level will be high and you will feel great about yourself. You will feel so good you can't wait to do it again. Power pose often during the day to bring back that feeling of competence and confidence. Set a recurring cell phone reminder to do your power pose and come back to center.

If you slip on your routine occasionally, get back on it and congratulate yourself for getting your act back together. If you are feeling tired, sick or sore, then do a light workout rather than skip it completely. If you keep slipping workouts then quit this program - repeated failure will do you more harm than good.

You can be out of a job, getting divorced, drinking like a fish, but if you can keep up with your program, everything will likely turn out well because you prove everyday that you have grit, tenacity, resolve, stamina. It's not some rah-rah pop slogan. You've done the work and you've documented it.

**Beyond your program**

You might feel like going a little further. Here are some ideas:

• Diet - there's tons out there on this. This is what I do:

\- When eating a meal, prefer protein. Prefer sushi. If you crave desert or a milkshake then that is your meal, not an addition to your meal. Avoid buffet or all you can eat situations.

\- Eat a bunch of vegetables or fruit before eating anything else. Other than that I don't watch what I eat, just how much.

\- Stop eating when you are full. Don't try to clean the plate.

\- Don't eat food because it might go bad. Use your freezer.

\- Don't have snacks in the house

\- Drink diet soda if you must have something sweet

-Take half your restaurant dinner home to eat for another meal

\- I don't deprive myself of fine rich foods but I eat them in small quantities, slowly, relishing each bite.

\- One benefit of not watching TV is that I'm not exposed to food advertising. I'm also not exposed to advertizing that is appealing to the worst aspects of humanity.

• Practice Behavior – You should be getting out regularly and socializing. Join a team, hiking group, a professional group, dance, comedy, volunteer work – something that gets you interacting with people and making friends.

\- Do a search on the internet and facebook for opportunities to perform open mic comedy. You might be surprised how many bars have this activity on their off nights. Go to one to see how they work. Come up with 5 minutes of jokes. Practice by recording you act with your phone. Then sign up and do it. Somewhat easier is joining an Improv group.

\- Learn 5 or more jokes and practice them with your phone. List them somewhere where you can reference them when you are out socializing – on your phone or keep.google.com

\- Karaoke is another way to get over a reluctance to get in front of people. Practice a song before you actually perform it.

• Use the camera and voice recorder on your cell phone. You can record and then critique your performance.

• Hang with the guys

\- Doing fun guy stuff like car racing, sports, hunting, fishing, playing poker, bowling, shooting pool, shooting skeet. Guys with office jobs usually have to make more effort in this area. You want your bros to back you up so you need to spend some time with them – regularly.

• Remind yourself

Also set your screen saver on your computer and phone to something to remind you who you are. My reminder is a list of letters:

CON (for confident)

HUM (for humorous, teasing, light hearted, smiling)

HON (for honest and direct)

KOO (for cool, relaxed, un-reactive)

• Monitor

\- Goals are Time bound and specific. For example: By the end of this week I will have introduced myself to 3 new people and smiled.

\- Have specific time bound goals for completing your exercise routine

\- Measure what you do in social interactions. That is, when and how often are you exhibiting the behaviors you intend to.

\- In addition to recording every workout I do, and every time I weigh myself. I keep a running to-do list and I love seeing all the checked off stuff.

• Dance and/or Acting

\- Some guys think dancing is gay. In dancing, particularly latin dance, the roles are totally masculine for the man and totally feminine for the woman. The man must lead with confidence, skill, and gentleness. The woman's role is to follow and look pretty while executing moves. She is taking a risk - an unskillful man might drop her or hurt her arm, make her look clumsy, or lead her into a collision. The man calls the moves and the woman follows them. Yet they are truly partners. The man is cognitive and the woman is intuitive. Dancing takes practice and persistence so dancers you meet will tend to be successful people. While you dance, re-enforce the mental attitudes you are working on. Walking up to a woman, asking her to dance, leading her to the dance floor is an excellent way to practice your social skills. Even the dialog with your partner at the start and end of the dance should be done mindful of your goal.

\- Acting, particularly improve comedy. Look for improve classes and groups in your area. Also participating in community theater can help. It depends on the character you are portraying. To be a good actor you need to become the character as deeply and truly as possible. If that character bears a resemblance to who you want to be – Bingo.

• Dueling.

\- Just kidding. We don't do that anymore. Although some men have jobs like police and military where people actively try to kill them.

• Read and watch materials you consciously choose

\- Avoid perusing the internet or turning on the TV looking for entertainment.

\- Read books and articles written by men for men. Some would say Hemmingway fits the bill. You'll probably need to go back to the 60's for guy-guy authors – Nabokov, Mailer, Updike, London, Bukowski. Raymond Chandler wrote great crime novels. Beware of "men's journals" that market to men like they market to woman – by inculcating insecurity. Avoid neurotic, conflicted, academic writers. Avoid anyone who embraces victimhood.

\- Listen to podcasts using the same criteria as with selecting books. Joe Rogen is a good start. This is a great way to fill up time stuck in traffic.

• Do something tough

\- Something that takes endurance and happens in rough conditions. A mud run or obstacle course or marathon are examples. Take up boxing or a fighting sport. For us older guys camping in inclement weather qualifies.

\- You don't need to take up a combat sport to spar. Just two pairs of boxing gloves and a friend who is about your size and wants to do it too.

\- Make your bed every day. There is a reason this is part of all military training. I read a speech were it was explained like this: If you can't accomplish one simple task correctly, how will you achieve something difficult? Start your day with that one small accomplishment. No matter how bad your day might go, you will return to a little bit of order at the end of it.

• Write things down. Consider logging times, people and places, to do list, your story, observations, interesting thoughts, links. All successful people use some of these tools. I stopped journaling "processing" and "ego saving" kinds of thoughts because they are transient and often not of quality. After years of journaling, I find the same negative stuff comes up and writing it down does not help resolve it. If I am going to write, I try to make it something creative, or useful. One thing I'm just starting is to journal after important social interactions - what did I do right, what did I do wrong. If you have writing or artistic skill here is a great application of it that will help your psyche.

• Music

\- Intentionally inducing pleasant states of mind may be useful in reinforcing the thoughts and emotions you want. Sometimes you are choosing music for yourself and sometimes for other people. Sometimes you want to make a particular person feel relaxed or romantic.

• Meditation

\- Learn how to reach a relaxed state on demand

\- Practice how to reach confident states of mind, and attitude, so they become your norm

\- Vivid imaging in a meditative state can be used in lieu of role playing or prior to real world practice

One extra thing I did after my first year at my program was to get a tattoo. It will not look as good if I don't keep up my muscles. It's a reward but it also reminds me of my commitment to a life of working my program.

At a basic level, there are only three ingredients for success: Desire, discipline and skill. Desire is pretty much always present but can be obscured. According to Scott Peck in  The Road Less Traveled, discipline if not learned in childhood is hard to learn in adulthood. You will find these ingredients listed in every self improvement book in one form or another. From the business world we know that improvement comes in increments. You make a change, you monitor the result, you make adjustments, you repeat. This is accompanied by two types of measurement: Did we do what we said we were going to do - ie: "How many times did we lift weights this week?" and what were the results - ie: "How many complements did we get this week?"

**When things get tough**

Facing difficulties are what life is about. You haven't been singled out for hurt. It is happiness that is fleeting. If you do not have a lover in your life, if you are out of work or have too much time on your hands, or found you have a new significant health issue, or a loved one has died, and the list goes on, you are in more danger of falling into depression and you definitely do not want that to happen. Giving into depression is like rappelling into a horrible pit that you may not be able to climb out of. When I'm not happy about life I will start monitoring my behavior using a chart. Here are some things you may want to monitor on a chart:

Drinking, Smoking, Binge use of the Internet or TV, Going to bed on time and waking up on time, reading, exercise, use of junk food, meal times and quantities, time spent on pursuing goals or skills.

Making sure you are adding to your social calendar and socializing sufficiently.

The cool thing is that just by monitoring things they tend to improve seemingly without extra effort. When you control how you use your time you are living a disciplined life which is the mark of the powerful man...think Spartan warrior.

Working toward person goals is important. If you have the money and can pay for formal lessons and training then do it. The fact that you are committing money and will have to commit to a schedule almost guarantees significant progress.

Life's little ups and downs don't warrant attention. You are always somewhere in a cycle.

The cycle will challenge you and you may make mistakes based on your mood. Say you have too many drinks and tell someone something you should have kept to yourself. Or maybe you intentionally insulted someone out of anger. Or maybe you just said something wimpy. Before you decide you messed up and need to take corrective action, ask yourself, really, how bad is it in the big picture. Then wait a day or more before judging yourself. Don't let it shake you - you will either decide the incident was not important or you will take action to correct it.

When you are by yourself, and you find your thoughts and emotions swinging high and low, and have a dramatic feel to them, let them come, but don't reinforce them. If you journal, those dramatic thoughts are not worth writing down. It's best if you deal with the emotional thoughts in meditation, where you can just observe them.

In the case of a setback - if it takes a while to get over a hurt and loss, it takes awhile. Keep working your plan, particularly diet and exercise. If you fall off your program, your first goal is easy: get back on it. The success of doing your program will give you the first foothold you need to climb out. If you ever fall into depression and don't know how to handle it, find some help. In all aspects of life, it's good to draw on the education and experience of experts if you can find and afford them. Unfortunately good counselors are really hard to find. Check out anearformen.com and see what Paul says about marriage counseling. Its pretty sad.

**5. Exercises**

You only need to do these once in awhile when you feel you need them. I filled in some sample responses that are edited versions from actual responses.

**Exercises to build Inner Game, Story, Values**

You should know what you are passionate about and be able to talk about it. You should know your successes and be able to recall any of them instantly (to yourself) should you begin to feel little or scared. Similarly you should be able to recall the complements you've gotten from others should you begin to feel doubt or guilt. Stop the critical little man in your head and tell him what you know to be fact. Let the feeling you get recalling your skills, success and validation fill you. Keep adding to your list so their effectiveness on you does not wear out and also to track your progress.

What are your core values? Write down some of your values so they are clear in your mind:

What are activities you really love. For each. When did you last do it and how did it make you feel? You probably have goals related to these activities. What are they?

You can make this exercise more effective by telling someone or video yourself talking about those activities. You will want to be able to communicate them to another person easily at will.

Pick a role model or two. Watch a video of them speaking or performing. What are the characteristics of a hero?

This is going to give you a clear picture of a private goal to work toward. What is it you will achieve by developing these characteristics? Picture one or a composite of these role models. You will be looking at yourself in the same way.

What are some adjectives that describe them?

How do they carry themselves?

How do/would they act when just talking to a friend?

How do/would they act when they want someone to take action?

How and what would they say to someone they want to meet?

Picture yourself in these roles

What are some interactions that went well for you? Why did they go well - Where was the other person emotionally and situational and how did you handle that.

What are some complements you have gotten or get frequently? What behavior or changes elicited these complements?

You will want to be able to recall the complements and be familiar with the good feeling that accompanies that. You will also want to continue and expand the behaviors that elicited them. Up the effectiveness by doing this in a meditative state.

You are about to be introduced to a group of people to talk about your favorite subject. Write your own introduction:

**Exercises: Build your Inner game, Confidence**

When you are pleased with how you acted, reinforce it as soon as you can find the time using guided imagery meditation. Reinforce the behavior and the memory of the positive reactions you got by recalling the positive feelings they caused in you. Think a lot about the feeling - its taste, color body sensation to get very familiar with it. This is a feeling you want to recall often.

List the successes you have had. Use these to reinforce your attitude via guided imagery:

You are going to imagine these in meditation as realistically and in as much detail as you can.

What are some of your basic characteristics that you will not be changing or will be strengthening?

What qualities do you value? Guiding principles?

Who are the people closest to you? What characteristics do you like about them?

List things you are proud of? When have you acted with discipline and integrity?

What are masculine traits you were born with?

Have you developed any new traits? Describe:

Things I am working on....Don't list mistakes you've made just once or twice - forget them. Only list persistent bad habits that need to be broken.

_Free association to practice conversation flow._ Look for games and exercises for improvisational actors. In one of the exercises I've done, a person makes random disjointed statements about themselves, their beliefs, the events of their day. You answer "Yes and...." making a connection to something, anything. Just turn off your filter and let what wants to come out come out. It's easier if you watch someone else do it first.

**Exercises: Honing your Outer Game**

None of these is easy because just writing stuff down is not enough. You need to actually do these. You can use your phone's video camera. You can look the mirror. You can write a mock script. You can do it with someone else. You can do it in real life.

Initiating Conversation

Approach someone at any social event and make an acquaintance. You may have to approach while they are also talking with others. Meet and greet type events like trade shows or singles events are easiest because people are there to meet new people. If you do it right, you take minimal risk and only proceed if you are getting a positive reading. Approach the stranger tangentially, smile, and comment on anything. Anything at all. If your projection is good, you can say "I like your shoes" and you will get a positive response. Do the The Svengali Challenge which I copied below.

For you deep thinkers. Notice anything similar to The Svengali Challenge and college hazing like handing out toilet paper squares at a mall? Both are training to not be afraid of interacting with people. Also...sorority hazing is similar but more demanding of the girls – example: girls go to a bar and talk men out of their underwear.

Reflective Listening

Councilors learn this as a technique. The concept is building a quick, personal rapport by showing you are actively listing. You repeat what you think you hear, particularly the feelings you think you heard being expressed. Works amazingly well but be careful that it doesn't come across as stilted.

Practice Stance, smiling

Practice you posture all day long – shoulders back, head up. Even when you lay down to sleep spread out. I'm not kidding. At first it will feel weird, but eventually you will do it without thinking. It took me a couple of months. Practice some smiles in the mirror. Again, I'm serious - do this all the time until your normal feeling expression is smiling. I'm not there yet but close. My good friend Randy smiles all the time - it does not seem weird. It seems great.

Performing Jokes

First level is just to tell a joke into your cell phone camera. If the joke allows it, act out the parts. You can easily field test it with your friends. Even with a repertoire of only 6 jokes, you'd be surprised at how often a situation arises that one of them seems to fit with a little tweak.

Rehearse for upcoming interactions

Using guided imagery technique, vividly imagine an upcoming social event, date or meeting. It is easier if you can remember something similar that has happened before. Imagine the venue in detail – time of day, lighting, etc. Imaging yourself entering, and doing whatever it is you are intending to do.

**Take nothing personal (Ref: Ruiz's 4 agreements)** Harder situations. This is a roll play where a person says things to you that are personal, starting with:

1. Personal questions that a forward person might ask.

2. Similar questions with a gentle neg in them that could be taken as an attack by a sensitive person.

3. Imaging a high value person asks you what you do for a living and comments on it in a way that assumes you acquiesce to their authority. Example: Alpha guy says: "Yes, I can see what you do could be useful occasionally."

You handle each with a smile, graciously, with humor or possibly counter attack. Start by painting a detailed picture of a cocktail party, down to the napkins. The exercise can be made more or less intense by the people you have at the party - people with some celebrity, your wisecracking brother, bunch of accomplished women, old school chums. You do not want to over react. Ending the interaction too quickly is cheating. Stick it out and develop chops.

Tell a joke and get no laughter. Laugh at it yourself

Sharpening our Attitude

What does good attitude look like? I think of some of my strong guy-guy friends Jim K and Herman R. I also read Chase's stuff on girlschase.com.

As per Covey, you need to spend some time sharpening your tools.

• Listen to sharp witted comedians and read sharp witted humor. Pandora Comedy channel and www.cracked.com/ I like Ron White.

• Listen to positive, optimistic sources of news. www.goodnewsnetwork.org/

• Stay current on the news, particularly celebrity goof ups and sports. It helps with conversation.

What gives you joy right now? Describe it in detail, poetically and dramatically. You can lead a conversation with this material. Big smile, always. Say something about this being a great day and then plow in.

The Svengali Challenge

Here is the original text of the challenge from D. Svengali written on Dec 14 2000:

This simple little challenge will (a) eliminate your fear of women, (b) show you that you don't have to play any tricks to get them.

Ready?

Tomorrow, or Saturday, or Sunday, groom and dress yourself real nice. I'm *not* asking anyone to put on any suits, or ties, or jackets (unless that is your comfortable style), but rather dress in your own comfortable, natural way, wearing clean and at least reasonably pressed clothes. Then drive to the nearest shopping mall/center and walk around looking and damn near everything. As you're doing so, say "hi" and give a smile to every woman who passes you by, and who is next to you, and who is in front of you, or whatever. The smile doesn't have to be this big cheesy grin, but whatever is your normal, comfortable way of smiling. {Any kind of smile shows you're not depressed, nor someone to be afraid of.}

Doing *nothing* else but giving a simple smile and "hi" to everyone,you come back here on Monday and tell me that not *one* woman stopped dead in her tracks to say some things to you after you did nothing more then smile and say "hi".

A simple smile and "hello" to everyone. Cost nothing, takes no time, won't hurt anyone. Yet I'll bet most of you will *rationalize* out some reason(s) why you can't do this, and/or it's not good, and/or all kinds of other things, and then come back here looking for that magical pill advice, that will bring you all the women you want.

Guess what?

I just gave you the "magical pill" advice. If you can't or won't say "hi" to everyone with a smile (so they quickly see they have nothing to be afraid of), NOTHING Ross Jeffries gives you, Maniac gives you, NYC gives you, Mystery gives you, I give you, or whoever, will work.

Now get out there and prove me wrong. I dare you!

