(cackles)
-Oh, goddamn it!
-(cheering)
Damn.
Little sip of Perrier here, I
had to stop drinking alcohol
because I used to wake up nude
on the hood of my car
with my keys in my ass.
-(laughter)
-Not a good thing.
"Hi, can I help you?"
"No thanks, it's just flooded.
I'll be okay.
"Beautiful, baby,
beautiful, yeah."
Because you're sucked
into drinking beer
by believing it's
a healthy thing.
All these beer commercials
usually show big men,
manly men doing manly things.
You've just killed
a small animal,
it's time for a lite beer.
Why not have a realistic
beer commercial.
What's the realistic
thing about beer?
Where you go, it's five
o'clock in the morning.
You've just pissed on a
dumpster, it's Miller time.
(laughter and applause)
It's a scary thing,
because you realize the
first purpose of
alcohol is to make
English your second
goddamn language.
Eventually you may
be quite fluent.
You may be a Nobel
Prize physicist.
After nine, maybe ten
Heinekens you're going,
(gibberish)
You're speaking fluent
drunkinese, bravo.
Next thing you know you
got a couple more beers,
you've got a friend
in a headlock going,
"I love you little
fucker, I love you.
(laughter)
"That's the kind of love I
have for ya baby, goddamn it."
And then you work
your way beyond beer.
You go beyond beer,
you start into wine.
For the very elegant people,
people, a lot of people
who are very elegant
are in Montauk going,
"Damn it, I wish I could've
been there, but no, I'm not."
Some people who have, you know,
I don't know whether to have
the red wine with the
fish or the chicken.
What's it matter
asshole, they're dead.
(laughter)
The chicken's not gonna reach
up from the plate and go,
the red wine, ugh.
(laughter)
It's over with.
No, you know what I'm saying?
And I'm not talking
about Pouilly-Fuissé
or pussy fussy, uh uh.
I'm talking about Mad Dog 20/20.
-(laughter)
-Mmm.
You know, the very elegant wine,
the type of wine with
a lovely screw top.
A bottle of which after you can
actually see vapor trails
as people pass you.
(laughter)
How you doing?
-(vocalizing)
-(laughter)
(laughing sinisterly)
You've gone too far and
you must pay your dues.
This is why I had
to give up alcohol,
'cause you have to
pay the next day.
Pray, dear Lord, please
don't hurt me now.
There you are lying in
bed and you feel like
the scene from the movie
 The Fly going,
"Help me, help me!"
The entire room is spinning
like a roulette wheel.
Place your bets,
place your bets.
(laughter)
And there's the old toilet
in the corner going,
"Talk to me.
(laughter)
"Talk to me."
Oh ho ho!
And you realize, oh
God, next stop for me,
Betty Ford Hospital.
There you are, you become
a reformed alcoholic.
You've got a steaming
glass of Perrier, going,
"I feel so much
better about myself."
-(laughter)
-Goddamn it.
"I feel really healthy now.
"No, go ahead, have
your cocktail.
"I'll be over in the
corner hurting the cat."
