

### Balance: Informed reactions = fulfilled lives

### By Estelle Hough

Copyright 2014 Estelle Hough

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this e-book. This book remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be redistributed to others for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy from their favorite authorized retailer. Thank you for your support.

International Standard Book Number (ISBN)

978-0-620-62325-4

Enhancing life

### Table of Contents

### Part 1 - How your brain thinks

Chapter 1: The way life works

Chapter 2: The way our brains work

Chapter 3: Mistakes we make

Chapter 4: Creative thinking

Chapter 5: Taxing the conscious brain

Chapter 6: Correcting areas of dysfunction

### Part 2 - Healing your brain

Chapter 7: Fear, panic, stress, and anxiety (basal ganglia)

Chapter 8: Depression (deep limbic system)

Chapter 9: Banishing depression

Chapter 10: Worry and obsessiveness (cingulate system)

Chapter 11: Memory and temper (temporal lobes)

Chapter 12: Attention deficit disorder (prefrontal lobes)

### Part 3 – Common concerns

Chapter 13: Obesity, anorexia nervosa, bulimia, gaming addiction

Chapter 14: Impact of drugs and alcohol on the brain

Chapter 15: Jealousy, obsessiveness

Chapter 16: Cognitive restructuring to cure bad habits

Chapter 17: Coping with long term mental challenges

Part 4 - Growing psychologically

Chapter 18: Understanding people

Chapter 19: Self- esteem

Chapter 20: Self-confidence

Chapter 21: Interactions with others

Chapter 22: Communication

Chapter 23: Romance, marriage and love

Chapter 24: Children

Part 5 - Acquiring skills

Chapter 25: Managing life

Chapter 26: Skills of value

Chapter 27: Enthusiasm and goals

Chapter 28: An overview on happiness

Chapter 29: Achieving balanced success

Chapter 30: Affirmations, visualizations, creativity

Part 6 – Surfing life

Chapter 31: Energetic cells

Chapter 32: The language of nature
Chapter 33: The placebo effect

Chapter 34 Spirit, soul, essence, mind
Chapter 35: Mind guiding brain

Chapter 36: Resonance

Chapter 37: Surfing life

About Estelle Hough

Other titles by Estelle Hough

Connect with Estelle Hough

### Foreword

Two events prompted me to write this book. One was when I came across a family who clearly had no idea about how to get rid of their frustrations and get the best out of their lives. The second was when I came across the prohibitive costs of private mental care, and was forced to take a route that did not supply good answers.

My son, Stephen, made the acquaintance of a friend of a friend. The acquaintance happened to move close to my house, and soon Stephen was invited to visit together with his friend, John. Before the visit John warned him to be prepared for an abnormal amount of bickering in the household. 'That's just the way they are,' he said.

When Stephen came back the next day, he commented on how off-putting it was to have a constantly fighting family and hyperactive, interfering kids around you all the time.

When the group got together at university digs, it was natural that the new friend would ride with us. We chatted about him having to find work, and his father who had heart trouble. He appeared to be a reasonably intelligent young man. But at the beginning of the return journey, which generally took about three quarters of an hour, he got a phone call from his irate parents waiting outside their house, as he had gone off with the only key.

Two months later my son had become very interested in a picture card game they had all started playing and wanted to expand his collection. These cards weren't widely available, but as I wanted to go shopping at a different shopping center, we decided to take the journey to look for the cards he wanted. The friend had meanwhile found part time work and he also wanted to look for cards. But to my dismay, the moment we arrived at this mall, there was a phone call; he had taken the key and the family wanted to get in the house – more than an hour's drive back!

I thought I had learnt my lesson, but on New Year's Day when I picked Stephen up after a party, I had an unexpected guest in the car and I did not have the heart to say no. I was in a hurry as my brother was coming for lunch, but guess what – the rest of the friend's family was on the beach and they had the key! Not only that, the wide detour was stop and start traffic and I was an hour late for my own lunch arrangement.

The key issue was one indicator - there were a few others that I won't elaborate on. The shame of it all was that I could see how embarrassed the young man had become. It had become difficult for him to come up with excuses. If you think about it, what huge emotional cost was incurred over a period of six months, for the sake of a house key? And the answer is so obvious; you need to take responsibility for your own life and make just a little effort

My second incentive was when I needed to get psychiatric help for someone close to me and discovered that ten days' worth of private care would cost R70, 000 (about $7,000). I could not see a cure within ten days' time, plus then we would be without funds, a situation which could not help anyone further, not to mention cause another nervous breakdown – mine. We went the state route; a route I am sad to say seemed to do more harm than cure.

It is only when you are dumped into a crises situation that you realize how sketchy your knowledge is. And it is only with time that you learn about the mistakes you made. How much it would have helped, I thought, to understand exactly what goes on in one's brain, and how and which medication and therapy can or cannot help. And how much more satisfying it would be to understand why it is more advantageous to go about life in productive ways and how much emotional pain you can save yourself. Life can be much more satisfying when you can save your time for constructive and pleasurable pursuits and get rid of your frustrations. A book, I thought, which explains our mental and physical ground rules, as well as explains the means towards optimal human function, would have been just the thing to help me.

This book is not about fashionable cures and pie in the sky wishes; its aim is to bring clarity to how the body, brain and mind works so that you can restore what goes wrong and aim at optimizing your capabilities. We cannot do this unless we understand where human nature fits in in our world and the universe.

### Part 1 – How your brain thinks

Human behavior flows from three main sources: Desire, emotion, and knowledge - Plato

### Chapter 1

### The way life works

Basic human nature doesn't change; we still behave according to how we feel, and we still strive to improve our lives. The development of the neo-cortex in the human being caused us to become self-aware, and it is this self-awareness that drives us to seek self-improvement. But consequently, perhaps because further development is required, we take what appear to be shortcuts in our lives, which in the end turn out to be very long detours.

Life will always be somewhat of an obstacle course – if it weren't, we couldn't ever learn anything new - that's why becoming skillful at life is such an advantage. Being aware of what's going on around you, and noting the consequences of your and others' actions can save you a lot of trouble and heartache.

People who decide not to undertake further education frequently cite that there are many people who have made a financial success of their lives without further education. This is true of a minority of people who have plenty drive and passion, but for most of us, an educational safety net boosts confidence and opens further avenues of exploration.

We are free to choose our lives. We can drive around under the influence, have as much unprotected sex as we want, rob instead of work, drug instead of be clear headed. You can tear the cellophane packet of your cereal instead of cutting it, and struggle with spilling cereal until the packet is empty. You do not even have to acknowledge that negative behavior is a choice, one that carries the risk of getting negative results, and that sooner or later you will suffer the consequences.

Consequences

If you discuss the issue of an unwanted baby with your girlfriend and come up with the answer that she will have a quick abortion in case of such an eventuality, consider that there will be emotional upheaval, financial considerations, pain, trauma, or even one of you deciding that abortion is no longer an acceptable answer. Would such a decision be worth the short respite of not facing the issue now? Happiness is a result of your personality and of your consequent behaviors. Genetics influence both but determine neither. You can improve both your personality and your behaviors for your own benefit and for those you care about.

The pace of life has accelerated and society is continually changing. That does not mean you have to accept 'help now pay later' solutions to problems. Superficial solutions do not solve problems. Pills, alcohol, and other means of recreation such as spending a lot of time with electronic devices are common within our society. When they are resorted to in lieu of dealing with emotional issues, we can develop problems with life. They are all temporary distractions, and when misused they can make you miss out on having a meaningful life.

Plato's observations that human behavior flows from our desires, emotions and knowledge still apply to a large extent, but one thing that has changed is our outlook. We have become used to promises of immediate relief and instant gratification. We have come to rely on distractions instead of solutions, without realizing that we are only climbing onto a treadmill instead of resolving our issues.

Often, the reason why we resort to distractions instead of dealing with problems we are struggling with is that we feel we have lost control of our world. We all need to make a living and it feels like everyone, whether private or as part of a company, wants to have his or her voice heard - they have discovered something new that they want us to have or want us to know. They have just the solutions for our happiness. It becomes difficult to decide what to do, as you've learnt from before that yesterday's miracles no longer fulfill today's needs or apply or are even true.

The world has not really changed as much as our perceptions tell us; but we have become engulfed by the media. We need information on order to progress, and we will move along, as it is in our nature to do so. But there are ways in which we contribute to madness in the world which we will find with a little thought, is utterly unnecessary.

The answer always was and always will be to avoid mental laziness. Become clear in your mind what is important and what is not. Make responsible decisions, and avoid taking the easy way out in every situation. Taking the easy way out comes back to you – it is part of pattern completion. Consider the magical change that will come about the world if every person has an outlook of thinking their own issues through with integrity before taking action. You simply have to start with your own life, the motion will grow exponentially.

Strategize

There is nothing sinister about the world itself. Negative human behavior, most of it arising from our fears, constitutes the dilemmas of the world. These behaviors come from not understanding what life is about, and from bad management of our emotional lives. In order to reduce our fears and the emotional stress modern life provides this behavior can be corrected by not denying that you have a problem, by thinking things through without deceiving yourself, and by being prepared to work at bettering your life.

It is important to realize that by putting the right effort in now, you can save yourself a lifetime of frustration and unhappiness. After all, what can be more satisfying than feeling in control of your direction in life? The difference would be that you would know that you have worked out a strategy and that you are following your own plan to optimize your life.

Guilt

When we have problems, we often suffer from feelings of guilt. Somewhere deep inside we think that we caused everything. It is not always clear why, but somehow it must be entirely our own fault. This is often not true. We may be lazy at times, we may make mistakes at times, but we are human. We evolve and will never be perfect. The whole idea is fallacious. There can be near perfection, or aspects that work beautifully, but nature (including human nature) needs to and will always spiral off in another direction. If evolving to the point of perfection were what it is all about, we would eventually come to a full stop. There would be no further movement, only stagnation – and movement engenders progress.

Guilt is a warning signal we have which is very helpful when we are children. It tells us to change our behavior when we know we have done wrong. It is less helpful when we develop a habitual overbearing sense of guilt which has no or little rational foundation to support it. This is a habit relating to our fears and anxieties.

Sometimes we hide our problems because we are afraid of being judged by others; we may even say we do not care about what others say – yet we continue to feel bad because this is not really true.

When we excel our egos are stroked and we feel better about ourselves. We absolutely love it when others praise what we do. We do not even realize that often it is low self-esteem that makes us oscillate between feeling low and euphoria, that we could be following our own star and be self-confident no matter what the opinions of others are.

When we are not happy with our own performances, we do not like others to be aware of our failures. We also hide our problems because we so badly want to be accepted. It is totally natural, because to be rejected or cast out from the group we want to belong to makes us miserable. Sometimes we take the opposite route; we even go so far as to avoid people, alienating ourselves; before we show them we are human and make mistakes. Invariably we find that end up lonely and miserable.

If you want to be competent and enjoy excellent mental health, you have to treat your mind in the same way you would a physically fit and healthy body. A perfectly tuned body needs daily practice for even the best. A perfectly tuned mind needs daily practice for even the best.

Do not accept a negative diagnosis of your life. Do not accept the opinions of others. It is important to let go of the past in order to have a life that flows smoothly. Do not accept common codes of behavior - let go of all the yesterdays. It can only obscure your purpose and make you lose out on a good future. If you let go of your baggage your vision becomes clearer and you can travel lightly.

Emotional literacy

Nothing forms more easily than a bad mental habit. We believe what we want to believe, we listen to what we want to hear, read what we feel comfortable with and we see what we want to see; all things that are the easiest on us at that moment, and we ignore everything else. It is natural to behave this way, but it is the easy way out and will not take us anywhere uplifting or exiting, and this is basically what emotional illiteracy is all about.

Unfortunately indulging in escapism or fuzzy thinking never solves our problems. For instance, if you have financial problems, or an unhappy marriage, it will probably reduce your stress to take up karate or ballroom dancing, but it cannot resolve either your finances or the causes of your marriage problems. The same goes for escaping from life by getting high. It is not going to make life easier; in fact it will definitely make it more difficult. Facing what you are going through and working at it can and will end in happiness if you persevere.

The correct mental process of reaching towards happiness and fulfillment is crucial. You could end up paying good money for a very long time to get expert advice about the causes of the mess you are in, and be spellbound by all this attention, without solving a smidgen of your problems, if your behavior isn't challenged. It will be well to remember this: You don't always need to know what caused the puncture in your bicycle tire to enable you to fix it.

In the end you will constantly have to come back to square one; facing the problem. Even if your life is hectic, even if you are tired, think about it; if you do not dredge up the time and energy to get a true solution now, and resort to a quick pill, you probably will not have the time or energy next year either.

The good news is, deciding to tackle the bull by the horns is actually the short cut you have been avoiding. It is not easy, but it solves problems and gets you on your way towards a good life.

To get started

Before you resort to that seductive quick fix, whatever it may be, think things through to their long term conclusion. The more you practice, the more adept you will become at it. There are strategies to doing this; the ABC's of emotional literacy. From being able to understand what drives your emotions, and not covering up what you don't want to look at, you can move forward to fixing what is wrong. When you are in control of your life it is so much easier to focus on the good things you want. This does not mean to say that you cannot start working towards the good things as well right now.

Through all of history there have been people who advocate that there is no right and wrong, and no good or bad. Their stance is a universal and eternal viewpoint which states that we are incarnated beings who need to experience all things in time. You should beware of the seductive, fuzzy thinking here. What you do now will have direct results to your wellbeing in this life. (Dr. Phil McGraw: Life Strategies)

Homegrown burdens

Life goes by whether we do something about bettering it or not. The choices you make and the behaviors you have are yours. Whether they are indiscriminate, random or chaotic, or planned and organized. Only be aware that when things go wrong as they will do at times, you will carry a heavier burden if you are not prepared; if you are not financially secure, or if you are emotionally illiterate. You do not have to work your whole life in a hateful job that has no future. You do not always have to be broke. If you know you can do more, it will give you immense satisfaction to have done it. If your life is barren, if you are lonely and depressed, if you feel like a failure, remember, nothing in life says you must stay that way, that you cannot change things. But life does demonstrate all the time that if you do not try, you cannot succeed.

Sometimes we punish ourselves without knowing it. I know someone who was molested by her father as a child, and as an adult became a stripper. This affirms her outlook of herself, which says; you are a sub human. She has a daughter, and her work keeps her separated from her child who she would love to be with, but she thinks of herself as a bad influence. Her self-punishment is her reward, a type of atonement for the bad things that happened to her as a child. She sees the past as her involvement, without taking her powerless position into account.

Burdens like these are unnecessary. You can make peace with the past if you understand what you are doing.

It is not easy to change bad behaviors. We behave in certain ways because we gain something by them. If a man takes off to the pub every time his wife nags him, his reward to himself is the satisfaction of getting her back, and escaping at the same time to a distraction from his troubles. If this behavior is continued, he is experiencing pleasure from wrecking his life and marriage, for reasons known or unknown to him. The fact is, if he does not experience reward in some way, he would stop the behavior. It is in our nature to seek pleasure and to avoid pain.

Understanding ourselves is the key

In order to succeed at life one has to understand how both our conscious and subconscious minds work.

Our conscious mind, which operates in the prefrontal cortex, is the creative mind, which thinks out strategies. Many of our memories reside in the conscious mind, and we learn by building on past experiences.

The subconscious mind is the instinctive, reflexive mind, in the sense that it reacts to stimuli. It learns behaviors through stimulation. If you acquire the behavior of poking a friend in the ribs every time you meet him, he will feel it and begin to object. Before long that person will pull away every time your try - their subconscious mind has learnt to react to being poked and has formed the habit of flinching even before being touched – like Pavlov's dog salivating without food.

The more experience the subconscious mind picks up in certain areas, the stronger the neural pathways become to its reactions. This is a good thing if your experiences are productive, say like those of a professional musician. The more the musician practices, the more instinctive his reactions become, until he can play without conscious effort – which means he can immerse himself totally in his music and in this way create art.

But if you were bullied in primary school, it will take work to break down the belief you may have formed of yourself being a victim.

The significance of this is that we learn to react to what happens to us in certain ways. When good things happen to us we grow and flourish. Our neural pathways expect good things to happen. When bad things happen we protect ourselves. Unfortunately, when we are in protective mode, we stop growing. Biologically, when the hypothalamus receives an environmental threat, the pituitary gland sends a signal to the adrenal glands to coordinate the body's 'fight or flight' response. So blood is directed away from the internal organs to the limbs, which inhibits growth in these organs while the threat is present. The more chronic the stress, the more inhibited the growth.

It also works the other way around. The more practiced you become at being in harmony, growing, or being successful, the easier life becomes. Your neural pathways that know the ways things work are strong. When it comes down to basics, there are no mystical or unfathomable secrets about how life works; it is simply how nature works.

So, the secret is to gain practice in those areas that you want to progress in. If you want to become confident in something, you have to learn the ropes. If your aim is to shine at work, first be interested in what you are doing. Building your knowhow means strengthening those neural pathways. Knowledge and experience brings confidence.

Our rational brains and our emotional brains influence each other. We do not only think with logic and reasoning. We have instincts and emotions that influence our thinking. What we have to sort out is what is good for us in the long run and what is going to derail our plans. Planning our future with good strategic thinking is our starting point. Understanding what influences our thoughts and emotions gets us where we want to be.

### Chapter 2

### The way our brains work

The silicon chip and the biological cell have remarkable similarities and functions, but comparing the whole computer to the human brain is problematic. A computer doesn't have feelings. Humans don't behave the way they do as the result of rational thought alone. In us, the faculty of reason competes with our primeval emotions.

Our feelings, however, cannot be equated with the mistakes we make. If we did not consider our feelings while thinking, sensible reasoning would not exist. When you consider sending your child to a boarding school which has musical advantages but is far away, your emotions, and your child's emotions come into play.

According to Jonah Lehrer (The Decisive Moment) neuroscience now knows that a significant part of our frontal cortex is involved with emotion. Instinctual emotions are integrated into the decision making process. When the neural connections between the orbitofrontal cortex (involved in decision making) and the limbic system, particularly the amygdala and the brain stem are severed, we lose access to our history of experience and the opinions we have formed. We would not remember why we do not like someone, or why we liked the circuitous route going into town.

Plato stated that we are 'rational beings fighting with our emotions,' using the metaphor of a charioteer struggling with a wayward horse. This is not the case, as our emotions are incorporated into our thinking. Freud asserted that our frontal cortex protects us from our emotions, which is also not the case – we are emotional animals; we are informed by our emotions.

We see an experienced glass blower and stand in wonder at the way he intuitively judges the right amount of glass to take, when to stop blowing and how long it takes before the glass becomes too cool to rework. He has become so proficient at his craft that he is capable of taking instinctive shortcuts based purely on the feel of whether something is right or wrong – his emotional brain.

Our brains have taken millennia to evolve. The first networks of neurons appeared more than 5 million years ago in primitive biological systems that navigated through their reflexes. Over the ages highly evolved creatures developed that could navigate by starlight, radar, smell things for miles, and migrate by using magnetic fields in the water. They all, with these amazing capabilities, existed before we came along. If we reflect about these capabilities even today - there are so many that we are not capable of - we may come to the conclusion that animals do not deserve the label 'lower order'.

Even so, these creatures can decide what to do, but they cannot reflect on their own decisions. They do not have language to express themselves or plan ahead or analyze or accumulate data - or lie for that matter, like we can.

The newly developed frontal cortex does not think or respond as quickly as our older emotional brain (the hypothalamus and amygdala). These older parts have had time on their side; like computers that become more and more efficient, they have had time to evolve into refined systems.

Realistically speaking, the time it takes our newer brain to react on a stimulus is much longer than the reflexes of our older brain, and if we had to rely on our rational brain alone, we would not have our star sportsmen and women, who have skills that require intuitive thinking. Film directors would have great difficulty in choosing the right actors for their parts, as emotional reactions come into play for all involved. We would not be able to judge whether someone is crying from happiness or sadness, or know when someone was bluffing. Gamblers would have a hard time of it! Our intuitive brain tells us whether something feels right. Our emotions, in other words, are what make our brains so effective.

Dopamine

In 1954 James Olds and Peter Milner discovered dopamine. They placed electrodes in rodents' brains which hit the pleasure sensors and resulted in the rodents dying from not wanting to do anything except experience ecstasy. Addictive drugs work in the same way.

But dopamine is not only responsible for pleasurable feelings. This neurotransmitter helps to regulate all our feelings, and over-stimulation causes depletion of dopamine levels. According to Wolfram Schultz, a neuroscientist and pioneer in dopamine research, the fluctuations of the chemical dopamine in the neurons that use dopamine to communicate, is the starting point of our decision making.

Schultz discovered that dopamine neurons fired in expectation of a reward, but if, after receiving the reward repeatedly it did not arrive, the neurotransmitter quickly responded by sending out signals that something is awry and not releasing dopamine. The brain is designed to amplify these surprises to previous predictions, so the cortex takes notice.

The way dopamine neurons react is our inner subliminal warning system that tells us when something out of the norm is happening. We may arrive at home and immediately feel that something is not the same. Even though we may not be able to put our finger on what is wrong, we pick up a heavy implement and move cautiously; just to find that we have been burgled. Our neurons stopped transmitting dopamine because of the window blind's position not being the same as usual, which made us feel uneasy. All this before the cortex rationalized the answer.

The anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), a tiny area in the center of the brain that is dense with dopamine neurons is involved in the detection of errors. When this part of the brain is damaged your reward seeking loses its direction, and you do not learn from your errors. You will not realize when you are overplaying your hand when dealing with someone in business, or that you are falling for the same trick every time with the women in your life.

Another feature of the ACC is the spindle cell, which is long and slender whereas other neurons are short and bushy. These spindle neurons are only found in the great apes and humans. They have the unique function of conveying emotions across the entire brain. They receive input from the dopamine neuron and transmit electrical signals faster than any other neuron. The consequence is that they play a huge role in guiding our actions. They constantly adjust their connections to reflect reality. So we react not only on hard wired instincts, but on purposeful, sensitive neurons that form our emotions. These spindle cells help us to read between the lines of what people say, or relay subtle nuances in situations.

Flexible cells

Dopamine neurons need to function with precision. Every time you experience joy or sadness, disappointment, happiness or fear, these neurons are busy rewiring themselves. If they don't function correctly, mental processes become disorganized. Patients who cannot feel emotion cannot make correct emotional decisions. People who are psychopaths, for instance, may have difficulties in card games as they may not be able to choose the correct cards, because there is no anticipation, no sting in losing and no feeling of triumph when winning.

Dopamine neurons learn from their mistakes. They continuously need to be retrained to improve their predictive accuracy. So, you can practice deliberately and develop intelligent intuition. People who become obsessively passionate about work, a hobby, or sport, become extremely good at it. Through trial and error their dopamine neurons learn to predict success or failure. The most effective way to become good at something is to focus on your mistakes. It will help if you consciously think about how your dopamine receptors are internalizing mistakes and figure out their corrections. Expertise is something which emerges from investigating the mistakes your brain tends to make.

The reactions of your dopamine neurons also tell you why you cannot stop playing computer solitaire. They are trying to correct their previous mistakes in order to win. They do not realize that they are dealing with a game of chance. It takes your rational brain to override the firing in order to stop.

The source of addictions

Dopamine can fool us. They are engineered to predict the circumstances that will reward us. So, if you stand in front of a slot machine, your dopamine transmitters will work very enthusiastically to try to get their reward. The longer it takes for the machine to produce coins and the more randomly they do it, the harder they will try and the more confused they will become. They are trying to find a pattern where there is none. .

Experiments with children have demonstrated that the more randomly rewards like sweets are given for correct answers and the further apart the rewards are, the more they will persist in their efforts. Dopamine neurons increase their firing after surprises of random rewards. Their purpose is to make the brain aware and pay attention to new and potentially important stimuli. Slot machines are programmed to make us persist in giving it coins. That is why people who suffer from Parkinson's disease and take dopamine agonists to compensate for their diminishing levels of dopamine are susceptible to becoming gambling addicts.

Dopamine neurons are very useful in predicting events that can be predicted. They land us in trouble with random events. When a sportsman thinks he has a hot streak, what is actually happening is that through hard practice he had a series of good plays. That leads him to take bigger risks, which leads to disappointing results.

The psychologist Carol Dweck discovered that fear of failure inhibits learning. She discovered that children who were told they were smart, feared making mistakes in tests that could 'disprove' these statements and so avoided them (and consequently learning from them). In contrast, when children were praised for the effort they made, they tried harder and learnt from their mistakes.

Over time the brain's flexible cells become a source of expertise, but it happens through every-day learning and correcting until the vast amount of accumulated knowledge turns into intuitive accurate feelings that cannot be explained.

It is a source of pleasure to be complimented, and pleasure is produced by dopamine neurons. The children strived for feelings of pleasure, or stopped striving in case the pleasurable rewards would stop.

Stock market bubbles

The gambler's fallacy rests on the gambler's assumption that an event is likely to occur based on whether it has recently occurred. People tend to suspect a pattern when events cluster. The erratic fluctuations of the stock market can often look predictable in the short term. We come up with systems and see meaningful trends where there are none and the streaks are meaningless, and so we lose our money. The way our dopamine systems work can overexcite us so much that we create stock market bubbles. The more the market booms, the more people invest without thinking of the possibility of losses.

The problem is we do not take into consideration that we are programmed to see patterns; whether they are animal shapes in clouds or the amount of times the wheel will stop on black. We also have a tendency to regret the winnings we may have missed.

When investing it is better for us in the long run to invest in a low cost index fund and be patient without doing any buying or selling, because our dopamine excitations fail us in random events. The stock market is random with an upward slant. It is better not to work the market with your brain and not to obsess over someone else's profits or what you could have done. It is just an unfortunate situation that our dopamine makes us enjoy gambling and playing the stock market.

### Chapter 3

### Mistakes we make

Psychologists Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky discovered that when people are faced with uncertain situations, they don't like doing the math in order to ensure a good outcome. They take mental shortcuts and rely on their instincts and emotions. This has widespread implications on our lives as it leads to us making silly mistakes.

Loss aversion

They did experiments with people where there were 50% chances of gains or losses, and they discovered that people were so much more averse to loss (known as loss aversion) that they demanded on average twice the gain before they would take a chance on losing.

We seek safety and we rely on our emotional instincts, so much so that when we make investments we will invest in bonds because they are a sure thing, even if statistics show that stocks historically earn about seven times as much as bonds.

We also sell stocks that have increased in value so that we can capture the current gain, but hold on to stocks that have lost money for twice as long in the hope that they will recover. But by holding on to a losing portfolio you lose more than you gain. We do this because it feels bad to make the loss a reality. We tend to fixate on possible positive outcomes, because they are pleasurable feelings, even if the chances of negative outcomes outweigh the positive ones by far. So we take risks when we should stay and we don't take risks when we should. Our emotions often sabotage our common sense.

Good and bad feelings

Fear and guilt are very active emotions in humans. Bad looms larger than good - we have a strong negative bias. This bias can be confirmed when we do something wrong and repress our guilt. Then we have to do a certain amount of good to feel we have outweighed the bad. And we generally don't feel better unless the good outweighs the bad by far. We also take negative comments about us badly. For instance, one bad comment in a marriage requires on average five good ones to make it right.

Buying things make us feel good, but parting with money to pay for the goods doesn't. That is why credit cards are so effective at separating us from our money – you don't feel like you are spending money. The truth only hits home later, when you receive bills for necessities and realize you have spent the money through excessive use of your credit card. The result is you end up in debt.

It has been found that when people bid at auctions or make bets their spending is usually twice as much when they use credit cards as when they pay with cash. People all over the world become voluntary slaves because they incur too much debt. Even though the tendency has diminished somewhat since the real-estate collapse, Americans still habitually carry month to month interest payments that amount to billions of dollars.

According to George Loewenstein, a neuro-economist, credit cards don't only anesthetize you against the pain of payment. Brain-imaging experiments show that it is even worse; paying with a credit card actually reduces activity in the insula, the region of the brain associated with negative feelings. The thinking is something akin to feeling like you've gotten away without paying.

Of course spending like this doesn't make sense, you have to work harder simply to pay for what you have already spent. You also end up not saving anything for your retirement.

People are conscious of falling behind. They compare prices at different supermarkets and collect coupons. They go to supermarkets further away in order to save less than the travelling expense they incur. They will buy something simply because it was on sale, not calculating in that their credit card interest will wipe out the saving made anyway.

Another tendency is to fall for offers of low monthly payments, not calculating in that the payment period is over a far longer period. Or, the initial payments are low, but the rate is adjustable, and within a year or two the payments are so high that you cannot afford them. This was how so many people lost their houses in the last financial crash. The common flaw here is instant gratification. We are so happy to get something straight away that we refuse to look at tomorrow – at our cost.

Neuroscientist Jonathan Cohen tested the brain reactions of subjects making choices on gift certificates. He found that the rational prefrontal cortex would light up when subjects were promised gift certificates in the future, but that the central dopamine enriched area would light up when something was promised immediately. By manipulating the amounts promised, he could view the tug of war in the brain. More emotions engendered by dopamine meant more impulsive decision making.

So the obvious thing to do is for your rational brain to override your emotions and not break control. Where financial decision making is concerned, consider the influence of your emotional brain and don't discard your rational thoughts.

Economists like David Laibson know that our emotional brains strive to eat at expensive restaurants and buy stuff, without thought to maxing out our credit cards. Corporations know this. All their advertising is geared towards the rewards and putting the negative aspects of the deal in small print. His advice is to only read the small print, and then you will know what you are really getting.

Perceptual narrowing

You reverse out of the parking lot and accidently back into a parked car as you turn. Instantly you panic and all you can think of is getting out of there before someone sees what you have done. Then you think again, you are at a crowded restaurant with windows overlooking the parking area. Do you want to make a fool of yourself? Do you need to be humiliated by onlookers hounding you for trying to run? No-o, you don't want that. So you humbly leave a card on the windscreen with your details even when no-one comes out to investigate. You feel better; you have done the right thing even if for the wrong motives.

When we panic our thoughts are narrowed down to the most essential facts. This is called perceptual narrowing. It means that our primal instincts take over and all we can think of is fight or flight. But when you get to a point where your panic gets you nowhere, your conscious mind has a chance to think rationally about the situation. At this point you can think about stilling your emotions by taking a deep breath and thinking of a way out.

People with executive dysfunction suffer from an inability to maintain a coherent set of goals or contemplate the consequences of their actions. When the prefrontal cortex is compromised you become dependent on stimuli. Every impulse you have is followed up; if someone tells you not to touch the wet paint you touch it. If someone tells you to keep still you cannot suppress the compulsion not to do so. We need our executive brain for planning our futures. If we follow impulses like getting stoned every day our future will suffer.

The framing effect

Researchers demonstrated that when someone puts up an amount for a bet where we have a 60% chance of losing all and a 40% of keeping all if we take the bet, but we are guaranteed to keep a third of the offered amount if we don't take the bet, about sixty percent of people will play it safe and keep the third of the amount. But, if we are offered a bet where we have a 60% chance of losing all and a 40% chance of keeping all and a two-thirds chance of losing the offered amount, about sixty percent of people will take the bet.

The second bet is exactly the same – you are guaranteed a third – but it was framed in the negative. This is called the framing effect and is affiliated to loss-aversion. In the second instance, you don't like the idea of losing two thirds if you don't take the bet, so you take it.

This explains why doctors prefer to tell you that you have a 70% chance of recovery instead of a 30% chance of dying and why you will be impressed when your mince says 80% lean instead of 20% fat. The thought of losing something stimulates the amygdala with negative emotions and we are creatures who seek pleasure and avoid pain. Even people who are aware that they are looking at identical options still feel the negative emotion. The secret is to override them through the prefrontal cortex. Looking past your irrational feelings and doing the arithmetic will help you make better decisions, especially when gambling.

The prefrontal cortex is linked to just about every other part of the brain. Earl Miller, a neuroscientist at MIT has shown that the prefrontal cortex directly modulates the activity of cells throughout the brain. This means that you are capable of thinking things through to their consequences in order to make a better life for yourself.

Fixed beliefs

I knew a family who felt extremely threatened by the loss of a white government in South Africa. At one stage they carried weapons in their car and handbags and were even considering teaching their young children how to handle weapons. It took them a few years to become reconciled with the fact that war was not going to break out. It was useless trying to convince them otherwise - only time could prove them wrong. Of course, if you wait long enough, war can break out anywhere.

When we become fixed in our beliefs, we have stopped looking for and assimilating new information on a subject. At some stage we decided that we are satisfied with what we have incorporated into our minds and do not wish to know anymore. Fixed beliefs are dangerous as they are usually negative or prejudiced in some form. They have become so entrenched that it forms part of your life perceptions. When you continue with a fixed belief, you miss new information or overlook changes in yourself; others or situations and your responses will be distorted from what is really happening.

Limiting beliefs

Limiting beliefs are even more dangerous; they undermine your efforts to construct a better life, because they make you believe that you have limitations and shortcomings that cannot be overcome.

If you are not suffering from a mental disability, but you believe that you are stupid and incapable of doing mathematics, you are suffering from a limiting belief.

A belief is something we treat as fact – we no longer test or challenge them. In order to change that situation we first have to be aware of them. As with all belief systems, you have to acknowledge them in order to change them. If you have decided that you have a negative aspect that is accurate and true about you, it is a limiting belief. This does not mean that you should not acknowledge that there may be areas for improvement in your person. It means knowing that flaws are not fixed and that they can be corrected, whatever they are.

Any competitive situation that you enter will be weighted by your limiting beliefs and will influence the outcome of your goal.

If you believe the basketball team you are playing against next Saturday is in all ways stronger, it is a limiting belief. If you believe your poor background tells against you, it is a limiting belief. If you believe you aren't smart enough, or cannot do now what you haven't been able to do before, or that you cannot advance while others stay behind, you have limiting beliefs. It is also a limiting belief to think that being too happy will make things go wrong.

One has to realize that these are all perceptions that limit your progress. They are not true or real, they are just figments that hold you back. Other fixed beliefs that can hold you back are beliefs about your partner or other relationships, like: 'They cannot cope without me,' or your career or your future, for instance: 'I'm not smart enough to learn that,' or God, like: 'I know the truth while others are wrong,' or the world in general, as in: 'The world is a malevolent place,' or people, for instance: 'People don't like me,' or friends in general, as in: 'They only tolerate me.'

By acknowledging that you are holding on to beliefs that have caused you to react to the world in a rigid manner, you can evaluate and change what needs to be changed. It is obvious that you have the control and the power to do it, as it is only you who controls your attitudes and interpretations about life. By becoming aware, challenging and throwing out what is distorted, you can create a new you with a fresh perspective, one that acknowledges that you are a dynamic person who is not tied to the past.

Preserving your political and religious affiliations

In party politics party affiliations are often impervious to change. This is due to sloppy top down thinking (looking at the big picture first and then breaking it down into smaller segments). Voters know what they believe and are stubborn to change. They do not like to analyze the facts, because they feel comfortable and are lazy, and in case they find something they don't like.

They use their reasoning rather to preserve their partisan affiliations. If something contradicts what they believe, they excuse their candidates and rationalize until they reach the conclusions they want - and actually enjoy doing it. By activating their internal reward circuits they continue to feel comfortable in their cozy corners. They are in fact reinforced in their belief. Knowing more and keeping informed does not remove this partisan bias. They simply ignore information that contradicts what they want to believe.

Rationality can become a liability, as it allows us to practically justify any belief. It can tempt one to lose faith in humanity if you look at results of experiments done by Timothy Brock and Joe Balloon (both cognitive psychologists) about believers and atheists. They used a tape recording attacking Christianity which contained background static which could be reduced by pressing a button. Atheists turned down the noise while Christians didn't. Smokers who listened to a tape linking smoking and cancer did the same thing. We silence cognitive dissonance through self-imposed ignorance. Even people trained to be fair do this.

The dilemma of the brain is that different areas deal with their own issues which can be contradictory to another part, but the brain finds ways to find unity and agree with itself. A political example is the surprise attack of Egypt and Syria on 6 October 1973, (Yom Kippur War) where the Israeli government was fully aware of all the preparations and movements of the enemy, but did not believe, despite the building up of the enemy on the borders, that they would attack. The Israelis did not believe the enemy had enough planes and they believed that their own defenses at the Suez Canal were too strong to breach. They ignored all the evidence because of their certainties.

So we know now that we have to learn to pay attention to unpalatable facts and question our entrenched beliefs. We have to not only consider, but deal with competing viewpoints in order to reach the truth.

The fundamental attribution error

When you are in a hurry and a slow car doesn't get out of the fast lane in front of you, he is an idiot, and when you are going at the speed limit in the fast lane, trying to pass slower cars in the slow lane and someone becomes impatient behind you, he is also the idiot. We acknowledge only what suits us. We do the same thing when we have to queue; the person serving is slow and ineffective. But if we are the person serving, those in the queue are rude and impatient. Such is human nature, yet it is clear that human nature can be improved upon.

### Chapter 4

### Creative thinking

Once we learnt to manipulate tools and to communicate our ideas, we could make all sorts of advances. But controlling impulsive behavior comes only with insight supplied by the rational brain. Insight needs complex input – it does not spring mysteriously from nowhere.

Mark Jung Beeman, a cognitive psychologist, wanted to understand how the brain manages to come up with creative solutions to problems. He found that the brain areas that activate first in problem solving are those involved with executive control – the prefrontal cortex.

First the brain banishes irrelevant thoughts so that task dependent cells can focus. It exercises top down control, then begins to make associations. It activates the necessary brain areas, looking for insights and searching for the associations that will give the answer. The right hemisphere is particularly good at generating creative associations that lead to epiphanies.

Jung Beeman says that as soon as people have the insight, they know instantly that they have solved the problem. The prefrontal cortex is the only brain region which can take an abstract concept and apply it in an unfamiliar context to come up with an entirely original solution. It does this through the working memory which keeps information streaming in from other parts of the brain in short term storage where it can be analyzed and manipulated. During this time creative associations can be made as seemingly unrelated sensations and ideas overlap.

The problem solving abilities of working memory and the prefrontal cortex are crucial aspects of human intelligence. The processes of working memory also enable us to realize that merely trusting our instincts can be a mistake. Not letting your emotions carry you, keeping your cool and analyzing a situation in a deliberate manner can generate the necessary flash of insight.

Insight and epiphanies in creative thinking

Four types of creative insight have been identified in research on creativity: Creative insight can happen spontaneously, or it can be generated through deliberate control. These insights can be further informed through contributing emotional content, or the provision of cognitive analysis. In other words, there is interaction between creative thinking and knowledge.

Dreaming is regarded by many as the mental state with the most creative potential. Creative insight is marked by sudden realizations that tend to occur in a mental state that is characterized by defocused thinking or daydreaming. The unconscious brain appears to be a parallel processor, so that novel combinations of information are constantly generated, without controlled attention. It is unfiltered random and/or, bizarre.

Epiphanies and sudden insight may have been grounded in the unconscious, aided by its parallel thinking mode, but they are not necessarily mysterious events. Mozart, for instance, had great genius, but also wonderful training. His father was an accomplished composer and had published a handbook on musical technique. Mozart was born with music in the house and was trained by his father from a very early age. Lord Alfred Tennyson woke up from sleep with the whole of Kublai Kahn in his head, but he also had the history of the emperor in his head as well as a lifetime of right brain poetic creativity. This is still interesting, as it either comments on levels of consciousness, or like driving becoming an automatic action, his abilities had become hard wired in his subconscious brain.

Creativity is grounded in ordinary mental processes. Evidence demonstrates that discrete circuits are involved in specific actions of higher brain function. Novelty is not a rare phenomenon in human information processing, but integral to its complex neural structure.

The second defining characteristic of creativity, appropriateness, depends on higher order structures that are capable of assessing complex and constantly changing rules, such as the values implicit in a person's culture. Perhaps this is why some of Mozart's precocious and inappropriate behavior was so noticeable. His mental musical abilities had outstripped the normal growth of his prefrontal cortex.

We select information together with our ideas on life in a continuous process. Unconscious novel thoughts manifest in the consciousness, then combinations of creative work is brought in, such as directing and sustaining attention, retrieving relevant memories, ordering the information, as well as thinking abstractly and considering impact and appropriateness. We need our prefrontal cortex in judging which information to discard and which to pursue. Finally, it orchestrates the expression of the insight.

In science as well as art, the expression of creative insight requires a high level of knowledge, skill and technique in problem solving. These are goal directed behaviors which may take years to complete, and where insight is but the first step in the creative act. There is abundant evidence that perception and cognition are strongly dependent upon a preconceived mental structure.

The start of creativity often coincides with the maturation of the prefrontal cortex in the early 20s. (In general children have not yet acquired sufficient knowledge or sense of appropriateness.)

The Planck hypothesis states that younger scientists are more receptive to innovation. Revolutionary advances in theoretical physics are predominantly made by individuals near career onset. In music, however, creative achievement can peak early but also be sustained until old age. The decline in cognitive flexibility due to aging may affect scientists more than artists, due to its rapidly growing and changing field of knowledge. Habitual thinking adhering to older rules is difficult to countermand.

Limitations of the prefrontal cortex (thinking too much)

Even so, the prefrontal cortex has limitations. People tend to believe that working through problems rationally always brings the best answer. But there are times, as with learning that has become automated, where thoughts can incapacitate you.

If you have learnt to drive a car and you suddenly have to think about every necessary checkpoint, it can cause problems with your driving. If you become too anxious about performing a task and over think it, it can cause you to over scrutinize actions that are best performed on autopilot. An expert golfer can become so nervous at a crucial part of the game that he completely loses control of his swing, while a novice putter will fare much better if he concentrates. As soon as he has mastered and memorized the necessary movements, analyzing them will be a waste of time. An artist can concentrate so much that all creative flair is lost. Thinking too much can cause havoc.

Choking is caused when your brain freezes up. Another aspect of choking is stereotype threat. A woman may fare worse in a mathematics test simply because she was told beforehand that men are better at it. The same applies to a white person if they think Asians have the advantage in mathematics. It is usually due to over thinking because they think they have to think extra carefully.

Thinking too much about things that should have automatic reactions can lead to making mistakes. Choose your wine and jam by the sensations they evoke, not with rationality. Thinking too much can make you focus on variables that do not matter. The wisdom of your emotions lie in choosing what you really want. A good example is the art of Van Gogh which is strong on sensibilities, but try and apply your rational brain and you will never do them justice.

Sometimes one fails to weigh the proper variables when choosing something, which can have a detrimental effect on your life if it is something important like buying a house. Many people, for instance, will choose a larger house further away from the workplace thinking of the extra space, when they may only use that extra space once or twice a year and have more cleaning and maintenance because of it. Then they fail to calculate in the time and cost of driving every day for an hour or two longer to get to and from work. A study led by Llan Krueger and Daniel Kahneman found the commuting was by far the least pleasurable part of many people's days. Another study found that people had to earn about 40% more when living over an hour away from work in order to be satisfied with life.

Placebo effect

An interesting aspect of the prefrontal cortex has to do with the placebo effect. Tor Wager, a neuroscientist, found that it controls the placebo effect. Wager imaged the parts of the brain that controlled the psychological process of placebos and found that the prefrontal cortex, the center of rational thought, was entirely responsible. When people were told that they had just received pain relieving cream, their frontal lobes responded by inhibiting the activity of their emotional brain areas like the insula that normally respond to pain. This demonstrates how powerful the prefrontal cortex can be. It can modulate even the most basic bodily signals.

A neuro-economist at Stanford university, Baba Shiv, supplied subjects with an 'energy drink' that promised 'superior functionality.' Half the subjects got the drink at a discount price and half paid full price. After drinking the drink they were asked to solve word puzzles. The study was repeated again and again, and every time the results were the same. People who got the discounted drinks solved about 30% less of the puzzles. They believed that they had bought drinks that were watered down. People expect cheaper goods to be less effective. They expect generic medicine not to work as well even if the product is identical, and they believe colas that are not labeled Coca cola to be less tasty even if they are getting Coca cola. They have certain expectations about certain products and when these expectations are activated by the rational brain, the brain distorts the sense of reality, so the ability to properly assess the alternatives is lost.

We tend not to listen to our emotional brains anymore. Experiments have been done with wine where expensively priced bottles were judged to be better every time by subjects, even with wine club members. When prices were removed, those same people often chose the less expensive wines as tasting better.

So, the biological brain is subject to shortcomings, but if one is aware of these anomalies you can take them into consideration.

The secret of suggestion

Suggestion has a powerful and pervasive effect on our lives. We naturally anticipate responses in various situations. These expectations set us up for automatic responses that actively influence the outcomes we expect. When we expect a specific outcome, our subsequent thoughts and behaviors will help to bring that outcome to fruition. When you expect a kiss from a young child, you bend forward in anticipation – this influences the child to reach up towards you.

It has been shown that deliberate, as well as non-deliberate suggestion, such as just observing someone or making them feel special in some way influences our thoughts and behavior. Have you ever noticed someone looking at you when you feel particularly well turned out? Your reaction was probably a lift in spirits.

This can be worrying in situations like eyewitness identification in criminal prosecution, where people identify the wrong person due to non-deliberate suggestion. In forensic sciences suggestion has been so powerful that people, who have confessed to crime under the power of suggestion, are later proven to be innocent of that crime.

Unintended scientific suggestion can easily creep into research that subsequently contaminates the outcome of the research.

The advantages of suggestion have been proven over and over again in the therapeutic setting. Our vulnerability to suggestion can be viewed as a common part of being human. 'It is a psychological fact that the first impulse of humans is to believe.' (Gaddis, 2004)

According to psychological scientist, Robert Michael, our response expectations are influenced by our prior experience, our present beliefs, the situations we find ourselves in, and most importantly by others. Research shows that our thoughts and behaviors are informed by all manner or seemingly irrelevant information, including suggestion and expectation.

We tend to 'catch' the moods and symptoms of others, as well as the beliefs of those we associate with. The power of suggestion encompasses a wide field of personality, social and cognitive factors. Suggestion influences how well we remember things, how we respond to medical treatments and how we will behave.

Expectation is what directs our thoughts and emotions towards fulfilling our desire. Research done by Ellen Langer from Harvard demonstrated that the power of suggestion can roll back the biological clock for old men by twenty years, it can increase eyesight by 40%, and it can allow you to lose weight rapidly. The Scottish Institute of Sport found that a placebo can improve athletic performance the same as taking steroids. The power of suggestion can reduce pain, heal and improve cognitive function.

The implications for our tendency to believe and the power of suggestion are vast and will be expanded on as we go along. When one understands how something works, you can use it to effect.

### Chapter 5

### Taxing the conscious brain

The conscious brain can handle only plus minus seven pieces of data at one moment, and it requires a lot of energy to function well. Experiments by George Miller at Stanford showed that when people are taxed more heavily with a mental task, as in remembering 7 digits instead of two, they give in more easily to temptation. When offered chocolate cake versus fruit salad in the hallway, they tend to opt for the chocolate cake when their brains are taxed. This suggests that their mental control over their emotions weakens.

Students were also tested with the taxing task of choosing apartments they saw on video. Some were offered cold drinks containing sugar and some got cold drinks with artificial sweeteners. Those deprived of sugar were apt to not think things through and made the wrong choices.

Research like this also helps to explain why we get cranky when hungry and tired; the brain is less able to suppress negative emotions caused by small annoyances.

Meaningless anchors

At times the brain finds it difficult to dismiss irrelevant information. This means we have to be vigilant about not paying attention to unnecessary information. This problem is exacerbated by the information age where so much information is available via the media. For instance, participants in auction bidding were given social security digits when bidding. Those with high social security digits bid higher for items with less value than participants with low social security digits.

Inflated price tags on cars are often taken as an anchor to negotiate from, when they have no relevancy to market value.

MIT business students were told to buy stocks; one group was given only price fluctuations while another was given streaming data. The group with less information did more than twice as well. The wealth of information was more distracting than helpful.

The same thing happened when councilors were asked to predict the performance of school children. Less information provided more accurate predictions.

In the old days doctors sent patients with back pain home with a prescription for bed rest. Since the invention of the MRI machine many more problematic spines were discovered and operated on – unnecessarily in many cases. MRI machines use powerful magnets that make protons in the body shift ever so slightly. Different tissues react in slightly different ways to this atomic manipulation, which the computer translates into high resolution images. Unfortunately the machine makes the doctors see so much that they overreact. Many more patients were diagnosed with disc abnormalities which lead to expensive medical interventions that had no measurable benefit.

Internal argument – the decision making process

The brain argues internally before making a decision. Different brain areas think different things for different reasons. Although feelings cannot always be rationalized, they strongly affect behavior. Internal argument is the defining feature in the decision making process.

When George Loewenstein and Brian Knutson did research on how consumer choices are made, they discovered that when a subject is first exposed to an object, his nucleus accumbens (a crucial part of the dopamine reward pathway) was turned on. The intensity of the activation is a reflection of the desire for the item. When the cost of the item is exposed, the insula which produces aversive feelings, and the prefrontal cortex, the rational brain, lights up. It works out whether the item is worthwhile, or perhaps a bargain. If the negativity of the insula exceeded the feelings of pleasure produced by the nucleus accumbens, the item would stay on the shelf.

This research shows that careful consideration and rational decisions are not what motivate us to buy things – it is a tug of war between our pleasure and pain centers. Analyzing purchasing decisions can mislead us as you cannot decipher a feeling, you can only listen to it.

The way our brains work is constantly manipulated by retail stores in order to make us open up our wallets. They concentrate on soothing our pain centers and exiting our pleasure centers. Luxury and coveted items are placed prominently where heavy foot traffic is. Free food samples are regularly displayed. Even if we cannot afford to buy the 54cm. television set, we are conditioned to want to buy something. The pain center is not neglected; we are assured of low prices and 'bargains'. It has been proved that if conspicuous red stickers are displayed next to an item claiming it to be a 'best buy' or 'hot deal' sales of that item will dramatically increase even if that item has not been reduced at all. Plastic credit cards also inhibit the insula.

Too many variables

The psychologist, Ap Dijksterhuis experimented with subconscious thought and buying products. He found that the mind becomes overwhelmed by too many variables when it comes down to items like cars and furniture. In such instances it is better to go with your desires. Your emotions will act like a window to the subconscious. It will take in information with all the information you gather consciously. By rationalizing consciously, you may gainsay your intuition and end up with something you don't want. Anyone who has to make difficult decisions in areas where they have sufficient experience will benefit from deciding more intuitively. But when it comes down to simpler items like peelers, it is better to consider carefully before you buy. Do not let your emotions interfere because the color is appealing; use your rational brain and consider the alternatives – there probably won't be more than three or four choices.

One of the drawbacks of the emotional brain is that we still function on some obsolete instincts. This is why we are vulnerable to slot machines, credit cards and loss aversion. Here we have to use arithmetic to get to the best answers. But it is better to use our emotional brain when we make decisions about things we care about, like house design.

Watch out for haphazard impulses, but recognize the value of the subconscious mind. It processes millions of bits of data in parallel and translates them into practical feelings. Emotions are so intelligent because they have enormous historical experience from learning from mistakes which they have translated into educational events. One only has to watch out for short sighted impulsivity.

It has also been found that people in good moods are better at solving difficult problems that require insight than others who are upset or depressed.

If you want to ensure that certainty does not interfere with good judgment, entertain competing hypotheses. Find out what you don't know about an issue before deciding. Be aware of the kind of decisions you are making and the kind of thought processes it requires. The flaws in your mind can be outsmarted. Be vigilant and determined to learn from your errors. The human brain can always improve itself.

Perfection is not the human condition

'Why do things never run smoothly for me?' I asked just yesterday when the DSTV cable could not be fitted because the electrical tube was blocked somewhere in the walls. That's the dilemma; perfection is simply an ideal, that illusive butterfly to be chased, but let's face it, it is illogical to expect perfection in dynamic morphologic evolutionary interaction.

Perfection implies stasis – there is no more growth there. And we all grow all the time. Every human experience, even death, is a new learning curve to be handled and managed. And every experience can be handled well, or badly. The choice is yours.

The secret is not to panic, we all go through the good and bad that life has to offer. The difference lies only in how we cope – how we manage our lives. If you get married for instance, and expect challenges along the way, your emotional reactions to routine upsets will be less problematic than if you imagine your new husband as a knight on a white horse or your wife to be Cinderella in a ball gown. (Although, it is sometimes good for a marriage if you view your spouse through slightly rose tinted glasses.)

The world changes all the time. You cannot have set expectations. If you want success, you cannot have fixed convictions about how things are supposed to be. It is like shooting clay pigeons; you have to listen, anticipate, follow a moving target, and the more practice you have the better you will fare. In other words, if you stay aware to life throwing curveballs and are prepared for eventualities, and can learn to take these in your stride, manage things when they go wrong instead of treating everything as a crisis, you will make life easier on yourself.

Consider also what happens in life, those curve-balls. If you live an unmanaged life as well, you may fall short in painful or important ways. You may lose people you hold dear, a job you coveted; your dreams may die and hope may diminish because the amount of change that is needed becomes a mountain that is very high to climb.

### Chapter 6

### Correcting areas of dysfunction

You can live your life at your full potential, but for that you need your brain to function at its full potential.

Daniel Amen, a psychiatrist with lifelong work at his clinic, spells it out for us: How your brain works determines how happy you are, how effective you are and how well you interact with others.

Depression, anxiety, anger, obsessions, compulsions and being easily distracted, believe it or not, have their origins in the physiology of the brain. The good news is that there is ample proof that with disabilities like these you can change the physiology of your brain.

If you have been in an accident, or become excessively jealous or angry, or cannot understand your behavior anymore, or become muddled and don't know why, you can have your brain checked out. Chances are there will be nothing wrong that cannot be fixed with a little behavior therapy, but over activation of parts of the brain can be pinpointed for more effective treatment.

How your brain is performing can be checked with PET (positron emission tomography) fMRI (functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging) or less expensively and with more ease with SPECT (single photon emission computed tomography.) They show up abnormalities that interfere with behavior. (CAT scans and EEG's do not give enough information).

When prescriptions, nutrition and therapy are targeted correctly they can change your life for the better. Letting problems fester can ruin your life. You do not always have to have your brain scanned; an experienced and alert professional will be able to diagnose your symptoms adequately.

Medical doctors sometimes do not connect feelings and behavioral problems with the physiology of the brain. Brain abnormalities can be detected and corrected just like a stomach ulcer can be treated and corrected. By treating psychological problems using a medical model, you may be able to pinpoint problems better.

Bad behavior is often attributed to a person's character, when more than likely they have a problem with their brain physiology.

SPECT is a nuclear medicine study (it refers to the nucleus of an unstable or radioactive atom that can be used to track which cells are most active.) that looks at cerebral blood flow and indirectly at brain activity. Beacons of light (a radioactive isotope) are bound to a substance that is readily taken up by the cells in the brain. A small amount is injected into the patient's vein, which is taken up in the bloodstream to the brain. The brain activity is photographed and a computer reconstructs the activity levels and you get brain map snapshots of the blood flow/metabolism. Physicians can identify patterns of brain activity that correlate with psychiatric and neurological illnesses. If there is decreased activity in certain areas of the brain, they will show up on the photographs as holes. The accent is on how the brain functions and not on its anatomy.

Our brains determine our lives, how we feel and behave, our perceptions and our experiences. They determine our happiness, how successful we will be and how we get along with others. In some cases psychotherapy may not be able to change feelings and behavior when it is the actual physical brain patterning at fault. In such cases the issues are not only factors like stress and conditioning, but the brain physiology which can be treated. We can pinpoint and correct various common brain problems.

Many emotional areas of dysfunction can be dealt with by yourself, if you are fully informed and are prepared to work at it on a sustained basis. Help from a professional you feel comfortable with is advised whenever you get stuck. A professional, apart from his background, can look at the problem objectively – he is not invested in you as a friend, which can compromise advice.

Although fear, anxiety and depression can be perfectly normal at lower levels and for shorter periods, it is good to address these issues so they do not escalate and become out of hand. A year or two ago there were some statistics claiming alarming escalation rates of depression in the world. It is also stated that at any one time about 20% of the population in a developed country suffers from depression. This is not necessary, and although other factors also play a role, it is within our power to regulate our brains; in fact, not only to regulate it but to optimize it.

Any emotional obstacle that compromises your life quality can be dealt with and overcome. You do not have to live with any discomfort that keeps you lonely, or ineffective, or unhappy. Part two deals with the underlying causes of symptoms we experience from time to time, and ways of tackling them. Please take note that when different mental problems are discussed in the following section, that we are talking about diseases as in dis-ease. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses in their brains. These are merely person to person differences. Difficulties arise when specific areas of the brain become over activated due to a specific brain's tendencies, exacerbated by stress. Then the need arises to correct your issues. As I said, when you have a mental discomfort, you don't have to live with it – you take measures to correct it, so that you can cope with ease again.

Also take note that although certain problems that arise can be caused by specific brain areas, the brain works holistically. It is a cross referencing system. Even biologically damaged areas can be compensated for in other regions of the brain.

Looking after your brain

Your brain consists of 90% water. When you drink too little water, a high concentration of waste products builds up in your bloodstream and your blood carries less oxygen and nutrients to your cells. Drink water, and not coffee, tea or cold drink, as these beverages are recognized as food by your brain. It takes much longer to isolate the water that dissolves the salts needed to balance cell charges and good energy flow. Water helps the minerals in your body to dissolve and form electrolytes that charge the cells positively inside and negatively outside.

Your brain works like a dynamo that generates electricity/energy and spreads it throughout the body. When you drink too little water and get stressed, the adrenaline that is released (which goes hand in hand with cortisol) results in an inhibition of the ability to learn and remember. You become irritable, cannot sit still, concentrate or learn. Drink at least 4 glasses of water per day.

By using your whole brain and all of your senses, you strengthen your neural pathways.

By stimulating your hearing, your eyes will have time to relax.

If you are right handed, concentrate on using your left hand and vice versa.

If you use mostly your left brain (logical and critical) when working, stimulate your right brain. Create something, be swayed by beautiful music and stimulate your interpersonal relationships – you will become more positive.

If you are right brain dominant and scatterbrained, stimulate your left brain.

A relaxed attitude helps to convert this complex process of perception, processing and reacting into words through the complex neural networks in your brain and body. When you are under chronic stress for a long time, it can restrict your ability to express yourself clearly.

Good organization is the ability to determine what needs to be done, by when and exactly how it should be done, so that the end result is satisfactory and up to standard. This presupposes good coordination between your prefrontal cortex and limbic system.

### Part 2 – Healing your brain

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other – Abraham Lincoln

### Chapter 7

### Fear, panic and anxiety

A person can put his palm against anyone in the world without finding one exactly like his – we are all unique. Biologically and in our experiences we are unique. And yet in our natures we are the same. Unless there are biological anomalies, we all fear, become anxious, are joyful or not so happy, become angry or hostile, and we all seek happiness and try to avoid pain.

Let's examine the area of the brain where most fear is engendered first, the basal ganglia, even though it sits above the hypothalamus. Fear is the basis of so many of our responses in life. It would have been appropriate if we still lived in the insecure wild, but even today our reflexes are very much engendered by the 'fight or flight' response to fear.

Fear

Our everyday proceedings are frequently judged by others, which causes us to fear rejection. We do not want to be rejected, because we do not want to be lonely. Rejection leads to isolation which is psychologically detrimental to us, as humans are herd animals, social animals at heart. You may have heard the saying: A man alone in his twenties is single, lonely in his midlife, alone in old age, discarded. We do not have to be lonely. If we can understand how to manage our nature, we can make moves from a position of strength.

The basal ganglia allows for smooth integration of emotions, thoughts and physical movement. This is why you jump when you get a fright, tremble or frieze when something scary happens, and become tongue tied when a superior reprimands you,

Overactive basal ganglia can make pain worse as it causes muscles to contract. Agoraphobia, fear of being in public, is also a symptom of overactive basal ganglia.

Many of us become fearful due to the knocks and stresses that crop up in our lives. Our subconscious mind adopts many ways of making life 'easier', which often backfires on us. Think of the person who is often sick with unidentifiable illnesses. She may have learnt that she receives a lot of attention lying in bed – which turns out to be a reinforcement to become 'ill' again. Besides being a drain on all around her, she's restricting her life experiences to the bedroom and living a life of dependency. In the short term this behavior could offer temporary relief from the vicissitudes out there, but in the long term you could be painting yourself into a corner.

Something to remember: Mark Twain wrote on fear: 'I have lived a long life and had many troubles, most of which never happened.

I also like this one: 'Fear is like mice in the fields. If you run away from them or deny their existence, they will multiply and ruin the crops.'

Mastering fear

Constant fear and stress from negative predictions lowers immune system effectiveness and increases the risk of becoming ill. People who indulge in negativity are likely to die earlier. When you express the words: 'I want to die' you are dealing with a problematic statement. The word 'I' echoes in the brain as 'all of me. It is better to say:' a part of me wants to die.' There is another part of you that may wonder about something totally irrelevant, like; what would I wear, I am hungry, or, what a beautiful sunset.

Reality has many layers. In order to get a fuller and more accurate picture, it pays to observe these layers from different perspectives. Listen to your inner conversations. The loudest voice is not always the smartest, or right one. You will do well to allow the diffident voice to speak up. For instance, if you feel scared in the night you may feel curious also. Fear is an important consultant, but a lousy leader. Curiosity is the courageous one.

Write down and question your negative predictions. Will everyone really laugh at you? Write down a response that will diffuse your automatic negative thoughts (ANTS). Perhaps people understand nervousness. Realize thoughts are just thoughts, not facts. When they are based on basal ganglia problems, they are often inaccurate.

Guided imagery is a good way to normalize your basal ganglia. Lie comfortably; go through a relaxation breathing exercise. Breathe slowly and deeply. It will bring oxygen to your brain and get rid of waste products such as carbon dioxide. When you are scared, confused and frustrated, remember that you have been in difficult places before and you have overcome. Imagine you are in a safe haven. If you fear talking to superiors, see yourself communicating effectively. This is also a form of preparation which will give you more confidence. Relax. Practice diaphragmatic slow and deep breathing every day to have better control over the way you feel and behave.

One way to make your fear evaporate is to replace your imagined fear with something positive. Focus on your physical sensations of fear, next focus on what you would like to feel; courage, self-confidence, calm, joy. Fix the opposites in your mind and shuttle between them. The fear will dissipate and leave you feeling neutral. New experiences are always a little scary. Think about the first time you went out on a date, or danced. Every time you face a fear and do it anyway, you build up your confidence and your abilities. Know this and remind yourself of it.

Your attitude is important: Three men are breaking rocks. The first says he's breaking rocks, the second says, I'm making a living, the third says, I'm building a city. These are attitudes which are cultivated. Switch all your daily buts with ands. Your problem is not fear, but your relationship with fear. In order to have confidence again, it is not necessary to get rid of fear, just learn to manage it.

Learn to deal with conflict

The 18/40/60 rule says that when you are 18 you worry what everyone thinks of you, at 40 you don't care what anyone thinks of you, and at 60 you realize that no-one ever thought of you. Worrying about what others think of you uses up energy that can be used more effectively focusing your thoughts and decisions on your goals. Realize that other people are focused on themselves and the impression they are making. Remind yourself of this every time. (Tell a bully or person who is behaving badly what a good impression he or she is making and they will probably back down.)

Almost all bullies pick on people who won't fight back. They thrive on intimidation rather than real conflict. Even if it escalates to a physical fight, being beaten once is better than spending a year in dread. Besides, you will feel better about yourself for standing up for yourself. It gives you power. If you fail once, prepare better for the next time. Remember that this advice is for people you know. A stranger threatening you is a different situation that you have to read first.

Maintain self-control, but don't give in to the anger of others just because it makes you uncomfortable. Don't allow others to belittle you. If someone does it at work, assert yourself by expressing your feelings. If your boss does it, get another job.

If you suffer from fear this is not simply something to read, but homework for when you are fearful, and has to be repeated every time you become fearful. You cannot say you do not have time. Do you not have time to help yourself heal? It is necessary to turn yourself into a fear hunter.

The waves in the ocean can be quite scary, but if you get out of the water you cannot enjoy the sea. If avoidance and withdrawal becomes a pattern, the fear will determine and control your life and weaken you. Your behavior in the water is also important. Will you stand up to a big wave and let it bowl you over? Or will you dive and let it pass over you, or will you ride it?

When you are scared, confused and frustrated, remember that you have been in difficult places before and you have overcome. Calming yourself is one of the most basic remedies for every mental problem. Relaxing, meditating and self-hypnosis is discussed more fully under part 6, but elementary exercises that help eliminate fear, panic and anxiety are set out at the end of this chapter.

Anxiety

People who are overanxious, become overwhelmed by stressful situations and have a tendency to frieze, suffer from an overactive basal ganglia. Anxiety, tension increased awareness, pessimism and heightened fear is symptomatic. People who are highly motivated sometimes have overactive ganglia. Activity helps them ward off anxiety. Workaholics may also have overactive basal ganglia. They complain of feeling restless, anxious and out of sorts when they have nothing to do. They do not know how to relax.

Anxiety ridden people are frozen by conflict and consequently do what they can to avoid it, until they finally explode. Conflict avoidance can also lead to panic disorder that prevents you from doing things as you cannot face up to them.

Generalized anxiety

Generalized anxiety is continuous worry about everything (dread is draped over virtually everything). With exposure you will realize the heavens don't open to swallow you up, lightning doesn't strike, you are still here, intact. Exposure treatment is discussed a little further along.

Anxiety attacks

When you have an anxiety attack your head spins, you feel nauseous, you start to sweat, feel disorientated, can't breathe, it feels like you're going crazy. Everyone suffering from anxiety convinces themselves that some disaster is approaching. It happens suddenly, with no clear cause. When it happens, it is natural to seek an external cause.

You think you are out of control, but are you really? If you leave the attack environment, go somewhere until you relax, you have exercised very good control.

Anxiety attacks are unpleasant, but not dangerous. You do not die of them. You must know the difference between what is scary and what is dangerous; as in watching a thriller and really being attacked. If you have a sensation of losing control, realize that sensations can be deceiving – like a woman who feels nauseous every time she remembers her pregnancy.

What to do?

Practice handling panic attacks; spin in a chair with wheels, or outside for a minute every day. It will help you to handle dizziness in a controlled, non- threatening way. You will be distancing yourself from the threatening sensations and distance allows deeper, clearer insight. Absence of involvement is not an intuitive position and not easy to maintain. You have to practice slow, deep breathing and realize that you do not have to panic when you become dizzy, and that you are diminishing feeling dizzy every day.

It is important to get to know your inner conversation, the conflicting voices in your mind. Listening does not mean agreeing or choosing sides, and it does not compel you to act. Listening means accepting reality.

Anxiety disorder (phobias)

The amygdala processes fear related stimuli, and irrational fears and aversions to objects or situations have commonly been called phobias. Phobias are a type of anxiety disorder. A fear or aversion to something persists and the sufferer commits to great lengths in avoiding the object or situation. This is typically disproportional to the actual danger posed, and recognized as irrational. In situations where the phobia cannot be avoided, the sufferer experiences distress and interference in social or occupational activities.

If you dislike the crunch of an apple against your teeth so much that you stop eating apples, you suffer from a mild form of phobia. Common phobias are fear of heights, fear of open spaces, fear of enclosed spaces and many more. Phobias have an element of substitution in them, suggesting that the aversion or fear needed a form of expression; hence the irrationality. If there is an underlying generalized fear or anxiety, it should be addressed first.

Miner phobias that simply complicate your life can be cured in the same way that more invasive phobias are treated; with exposure treatment.

If you had always eaten apples until the phobia crept up on you, it would be a pity to cling to it so that you never eat an apple again. It can be addressed with a little effort. Was the phobia always there? Think back to the time before you came to the conclusion that whatever bothers you now bothered you. The situation is the same, but your mindset has intensified. Try to get back the feeling when the taste of the apple was what mattered. Accept that it is not the situation that you dislike, but the feeling inside you. If you can desensitize the feeling, you are well on your way. Practice every day until you can take a bite out of the apple without flinching too much. Face the episode by replacing the awful thoughts with compensatory good ones. You will be glad when you will be able to enjoy an apple again for its fresh, healthy, sweet taste.

There is a method advertised on the internet as the 5 minute method that is free for you to try. It was developed by Dr. Roger Callahan, and involves interrupting the sequence the brain follows from the fright stage to the response stage (sweating, shaking, shallow breathing, and weak knees) with tapping movements.

Exposure treatment

If your phobia is more disturbing, like never being able to leave your house, the help of a chaperone or therapist who can help with exposure treatment may be needed. This treatment works by exposing the patient to the object or situation in a non-threatening way that is not dangerous. Exposure is repeated and advanced until the fear is extinguished.

You have to correct your thinking habits and then proceed to exposure, first at home and then out in the world.

Exposure treatment is step by step exposure to the issue that frightens you. Treatment requires practice, reading and work. Using relatives and friends as helpmates may not be the best choices as they are invested in your life. Their view of you is distorted as their involvement is in part self-involvement

If you tell yourself after long preparation that you are not ready, realize that your thought is a hypothesis, and one tests hypotheses. Scary is just a word.

A therapist can chaperone, support, remind you to breathe, to check your inner speech, dispute irrational thoughts, remind you to go with the flow of emotions and that negative emotions are not the end of the world. If going to a professional is problematic, you can follow these guidelines and get a family member or friend to support you. (You will have to work hard and not expect too much of such a friend or family member.)

Repeated exposure leads to habituation of the nervous system, and when nervous system activity is reduced, anxiety is reduced. As someone once said; let the banana ripen before you pick it, because if you pick it too soon, even if you are starving, you won't be able to eat it. So, continue to practice until you have truly conquered.

Let me repeat; when you are scared, confused and frustrated, remember that you have been in difficult places before and you have overcome. Anxiety clients tend to get better in a short time.

Stress

When we become distressed over something specific, the body activates its fight or flight response, which naturally dissipates when the perception of danger disappears. Unfortunately, when we have continual alarm reactions, say for instance in a stressful work environment, the body can resist it for only a certain period of time; until exhaustion steps in. When that happens our immune system begins to break down and we become physically sick - where we are at our most vulnerable. Illnesses that we could normally withstand crop up all the time.

At times like these it is a good idea to change jobs, take a vacation, exercise or go to counseling. Stress is a major problem that leads to drug and alcohol abuse. Over two thirds of primary doctor's visits are stress related. That is why teaching yourself to relax is so important.

Make use of tactics

It has been shown that looking for benefits that came from seemingly hurtful experiences can alleviate anger, fear and upset as much as months of therapy. Having had serious physical illness can result in bravery, curiosity, fairness, humor and an appreciation of beauty.

Recovery from stress is far quicker when exposed to music such as Vivaldi and Mozart, Beethoven and Bach than for instance listening to pop and jazz. Heavy metal music is said to even have a destructive effect in stressful situations as it tends to excite and riles you up.

If you spend more than 30 minutes in hot weather, you have better memory and are in a better mood. People who spontaneously use humor to cope with stress have healthy immune systems, are less likely to have a heart attack or a stroke, experience less pain during dental surgery and live 4.5 years longer. The recommendation is that you laugh for at least 15 minutes a day.

Dog owners cope well with stress, are relaxed about life, have high self-esteem and are less likely to be diagnosed with depression. Recovery rates after illness is also better. Dogs turn out to be excellent therapists. Simply touching and stroking a dog has a calming and beneficial effect. Even a nurse holding a patient's hand lowers the heart rate. The social benefits of having a dog is a most important factor. They encourage strangers to talk to one another and spending time with others is a major source of happiness and health. Dogs cause people to look, smile and chat, but apparently not so much the Rottweiler, as they are associated with aggression, but definitely puppies, Labradors and the like. Watching animal videos also make people feel much more relaxed.

Eliminating stress and anxiety

When you have a traumatic experience, spend a few minutes each day writing about your deepest thoughts and feelings about it. Why? Talking about it is less structured and organized. Writing encourages the creation of a storyline. It helps you make sense of what happened and works towards a solution. It will boost your psychological and physical wellbeing. It will reduce health problems and increase self-esteem and happiness. Also, when you write down 5 things you are grateful for or happy about each day, you end up happier and more optimistic about the future. Spending a bit of time every now and then describing why someone means a lot to you increases happiness, reduces stress and cholesterol levels.

Change the way you think about things and what you think about. Life can be an adventure instead of a thriller. Examine your deepest convictions and if you see threats everywhere, focus on alternative, non-threatening replacement thoughts.

The underlying emotion is fear. Fear creates worry and worry induces stress and anxiety. When you believe that the world is well disposed to you, you are fuelled by joy. Your future is like a blank video. What you think about creates the possibility that it can happen. The point is, you do not know what will happen. You can allow bad things to happen or avoid them, or allow good things to happen or avoid them. But while you don't know, why not focus on good things and feel good.

Common anxiety protocol is to guide the client in relaxation and diaphragmatic breathing. Breathe naturally when your emotions spilled over, accept it and let it go. You are human, and your feelings are like the weather; clouds come and go. Feel your body relax. Continue to bring your attention back to your relaxing body.

Basal ganglia activity relating to other issues

Problems that are found in the left-sided basal ganglia are often seen in people who are chronically irritated or angry.

People who have underactive ganglia suffer from Attention Deficit Order or ADD. They have problems with motivation, energy and get-up-and-go. Often a stressful situation moves them into action. The basal ganglia also shifts and soothes fine motor behavior like handwriting and motor coordination. Many people who have basal ganglia problems prefer to print because it is a stop and start action instead of ongoing.

Parkinson's disease is caused by a deficiency of dopamine within the basal ganglia system. It causes hand tremor, muscle rigidity, loss of agility, loss of facial expression and slow movements. Dopamine enhancing drugs like I-Dopa alleviates these symptoms.

The basal ganglia are also involved in suppressing unwanted fine motor activity. When there is dysfunction here there is risk of Tourette's syndrome, which is a combination of motor ticks like eye blinking, head jerking, arm or leg jerking or shoulder shrugging, and vocal expressions. Tourette's syndrome is associated with ADD and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). These diseases can run in families.

There is a balancing of serotonin and dopamine in the brain. If the balances are disturbed, say through too high amounts of ADD medication, the patient may become moody, obsessive and inflexible due to inadequate amounts of serotonin, instead of helping with focus, follow through and motivation. Too much of a serotonin enhancer may make the ADD worse, but he wouldn't care because of lowered motivation. Psycho stimulants tend to exacerbate OCD, as the dopamine/serotonin levels are likely to be disturbed.

Personality disorders that are connected to the basal ganglia are generally chronic. Even if they are not easily fixed, a healthy process has value unto itself, regardless of the outcome. Your integrity itself is an achievement.

Relaxation or self-hypnosis exercise:

Sit or lie comfortably and follow through with these steps:

1. Focus (Focus on a spot just above eye level, count to twenty and feel eyelids droop. Close them)

2. Breathe (slow deep breaths, feel belly rising and falling, breathe out tension and in calmness)

3. Relax (progressive muscle relaxation; begin by squeezing eyelids, and follow with facial muscles and so forth for sleep, or contract and relax body muscles, beginning with your toes and upwards through your body)

4. Down (Imagine riding down an escalator counting backwards, or climb down stairs and enjoy being tranquil at the bottom for a few moments)

5. Up or (add visual imagery to carry on with the next step)

6. Haven (Choose a safe and favorite place, and feel, smell, hear and see your environment. Drink it in)

7. Ideal state (Focus on an idea, ideal, or feeling state and experience it with all your senses. Making it real in your imagination will make it accessible in your life)

8. Up (Count yourself back up in the escalator, or climb the imaginary stairs, feeling refreshed)

Practice for 20mins each day.

Practice self-hypnosis by doing the same breathing exercise and then focusing on one word, like 'ohm' (It focuses the brain). Hypnosis is a natural phenomenon. Every time you suddenly realize you have arrived at a destination without having been conscious of the journey, you have hypnotized yourself. You have become focused in a repetitive act that caused you to engender a hypnotic state. And when you hypnotize yourself, you are the one in control, you can tell yourself whether you want to wake up or go to sleep and wake up later, feeling refreshed. The skill gets better with practice. You can use it to fall asleep. Good sleep helps calm anxiety, while sleep deprivation makes everything worse.

A balanced diet that doesn't allow you to get too hungry during the day will soothe the basal ganglia. Eliminating alcohol may also be a good idea. Even if it decreases anxiety in the short term, withdrawal causes anxiety which places a person with anxiety at more risk for addiction.

Try vitamin B, which produces brain chemicals that helps mood disorders, but do check dosages. Valerian root helps with sleep disorders as well as anxiety. Aroma therapy oils soothe.

### Chapter 8

### Depression (deep limbic system)

Have you ever wondered how some people manage to anticipate and avoid problems and at the same time are aware of opportunities and grab them? Or on the other hand, wonder at other people who seem to stumble from crises to crises?

Those who can, who have good flow and take life in their stride have a secret; they have good integration between their emotional and rational brains. They also have a good flow of cerebrospinal fluid which carries hormones and nutrients to the brain, cools it and removes waste products, so that they can function optimally. We tend to think of the brain in its mental capacity and forget that it is a biological organ which needs proteins and other nutrients to be able to manufacture energy so we can think. The movement of cerebrospinal fluid is also influenced by body movement, the contraction (stress) and relaxation of the muscles and the quality of our breathing. When you are healthy in body and mind you perform better mentally.

Perceptions

If a newspaper headline reads: Heavy rain expected throughout the province, is that good news or bad news? If you are a farmer waiting for rain to plant your crops, it may be better news than for a builder trying to get the roof on. We see the world through a filter made up of our outlook and our experiences, and we choose our responses accordingly.

Men and women perceive things differently. A woman may interpret her husband's gesture of opening the door for her as an act of love, whereas he may see it as a show of good manners. Neither is right or wrong; there is no reality in the scenario, only perception.

You give meaning and value to every circumstance in your life. The way you interpret what happens to you is up to you, no matter what happens to you in your life.

Your mother may come to you in an exited state with the news that she has found the perfect partner for you. When she introduces him to you, you are disappointed; you cannot see what she sees in him. You both took in the same sensations of him, but your perceptions are vastly different. With everything that happens to you in your life, your interpretations and the meaning and value you assign to each event are your own. If you see the world as an evil place, pause and think; the world is simply the world; it is not evil, only your perception of it views it as evil. You choose the way in which you interpret the world, your town, your suburb, or your home for that matter.

Trauma and memory

The word 'memory' is a verb; a person does not have a good memory, he is good at remembering. It is a journey, not a destination. You can become aware of how you remember and control what you remember.

Memory is involved with all our experiences. It can be illusive and it can be obstructively present. Sometimes you cannot forget what you wish to or remember what you want to.

The same cause can yield different, or even opposite effects. A traumatic experience can leave you devastated, but have the eventual effect of bringing you to a good place.

Trauma may cause you to forget, as it threatens the integrity of the self, or because stress interferes with the cognitive processes in general. But sometimes the exact opposite occurs and you cannot erase the memory of a traumatic event.

Memory is not a storage place, but a story we tell ourselves in retrospect. It is made up of revelations and darkness, embroidery, forgery, perplexity and need. You remember what someone was talking about, not what they said. Memory is a reconstruction, not a copy or photograph. Expectations, habits, our life experiences interact with the brain's mechanisms in shaping what is remembered. Our brain often makes shortcuts due to prior knowledge, expectation and habit.

When you describe an event to someone, listen with a closer ear to what you are saying, and you will hear how you color your story. Memory is schematic, not literal. You are painting a picture of your own design. You may be given to bias, distortion or failure. You can indulge in self-deception, which may satisfy a need in you, but be exhausting none the less.

The secret behind this is that we all have the power to change our perceptions. You may have heard the saying: 'You can imprison my body, but you cannot imprison my mind.' This is the story of Dr. Victor Frankl, the Austrian psychiatrist who was imprisoned in a Nazi concentration camp during the Second World War. The utmost control was exercised over prisoners' movements, and they were subjected to every indignity. Their lives were dependent on obeying every order.

Dr. Frankl discovered that an aspect the guards could not control was the attitude he took towards his suffering. The way he reacted and interpreted his treatment was his own. It became his challenge to survive the camp in order to bring his discovery to the world.

The only meanings that the events in your daily life have are the meanings that you assign to them; you have the power of choice over your perceptions.

Of course this does not mean that when your car is stolen that you should see it as a good thing, but it does mean that it could affect you so badly that you go into a decline, or you could deal with it in a constructive manner.

A negative outlook, anxiety and stress originate with your fears; it is a learnt behavior which you adopted as a response to past events. If you are suffering from depression you have to realize that it is your perception of what is out there that is threatening, not what is really threatening you at the moment.

Learned helplessness

War, prison, disability, famine, mental institutions, orphanages – uncontrollable life events and long term conditions where people feel they have no control may foster learned helplessness. They begin to feel that life choices are irrelevant. They may stop caring for themselves as they see their position as permanent, that it is personal, and that it is persistent and inescapable. They have internalized the problem.

The hypothalamic- pituitary- adrenal axis (HPA axis) which controls reactions to stress is over-activated and cortisol levels are raised, showing depressive symptoms. More pain is felt as imaging brain studies have shown that how you feel and think plays a role in modifying and modulating the pain experience.

Our characters and our attitudes, and our points of view are shaped by our past. We see the world through those lenses. Sometimes our views are healthy and constructive, and other times they are destructive or distorted. You may have been brought up in a hostile environment or been over protected, so you could see the world as a threatening place or be totally naïve.

The ways in which we see the world influence our interpretations of events and the ways in which we respond, which in turn influence the ways in which the world responds to us. We have to be aware of our colored lenses so that they do not distort our perceptions and mislead us into incorrect decision making. We remain accountable and we still create our own experiences. What happened to us in the past is not an excuse for our response today.

Your life can only improve if you respond in a constructive way. The way to do that is to become aware of your distorted views, because if you continue to view the world through distorted lenses, you are allowing past events to control your present and your future. You are imprisoned by your perceptions and are making bad events live forever.

Always test your perceptions so you can avoid misleading yourself. If you have had ongoing disappointment with your relationships, be aware that your perception may be distorted. If you view people in general as enemies, be aware that your past is dictating to you – an open mind, and conscious relaxation of tension, whatever your informed mind decides, may be a start to changing your perceptions for the better.

Some people react to stressful situations by falling apart and others by thriving on them. They either see the challenge as insurmountable or see it as an opportunity to shine. Both are perceptions based on past events. If you find sudden pressure impossible to handle, be aware of the filters of your past. A fresh approach to a new situation can turn you into a new person.

Test your assumptions before you accept them as true. You may not have all the facts. If your friends all agree that it is a ridiculous idea that there are other people in the universe, it may not be the correct assumption. If your wife attends French classes, it may not be because of the handsome lecturer. Your response will elicit a counter response.

Our older animalistic part of the brain which depended on instincts and intuition went through evolutionary processes and even sprouted extra lobes which freed the brain from the stereotypical behavior of the brain stem. These evolutions enabled us to become very sensitive to feelings, and to view our experiences and express our emotions.

The complication is that we do not only become upset (my cat becomes upset), we mull over it, analyze it, brood over it and continue tomorrow feeling sorry for ourselves. When the limbic system, which is involved with our emotions, is overactive on SPECT, it correlates with negativity and depression. It filters how you interpret the events in your day. In a negative state of mind it will color neutral events through a negative filter.

The limbic system also stores (along with the temporal lobes) highly charged emotional memories, whether they are good or bad memories.

Over activation in this area is associated with lowered motivation and drive and depression. The deep limbic system, especially the hypothalamus, controls sleep and appetite cycles. The limbic system also affects the bonding mechanism that enables you to connect socially with other people. When you can successfully interact with others, it in turn influences your moods for the better. The capacity to bond plays a significant role in the tone and quality of our moods.

The deep limbic system also directly processes smell, which has a powerful impact on your feeling states. Beautiful smells evoke pleasant feelings and draw people toward you where unpleasant smells repel them. Perfume and deodorant and home and candle scent industries bank on these effects.

Bonding, smells and sexuality are all intimately connected with the limbic system. Depression frequently results in decreased sexual interest, while positive sexual smells can intensify the mood for love. Sexual orgasm cools activity in the limbic system and makes you feel good. But it is a two edged sword in another sense: When a person is sexually involved with another, neurochemical changes occur in both partners that encourage limbic bonding. When you have casual sex it causes hurt when the affair ends and one person bonded more than the other. Even if you desired sex, but were not as open as you thought you were, you can feel used. Your first bonding process often also leaves a greater impression which stays in your mind. These are the biological reasons why love and sex upon marriage can strengthen relationships and why infidelity often causes such havoc. Read more about this under 'Romantic love and marriage.

Women have larger deep limbic systems than males. That is why they are more in touch with their feelings and are better able to express feelings. They are generally more able to connect.

The deep limbic system, especially the hypothalamus is responsible for translating our emotional state into physical feelings of relaxation or tension. The front half of the hypothalamus sends calming signals to the body through the parasympathetic nervous system. The back of the hypothalamus is responsible for the fight or flight response. The limbic system is connected to the prefrontal cortex in that emotions are mediated by it. In a state of depression, the prefrontal cortex, especially the left hand side, can have a tendency to shut down.

Problems with the deep limbic system are:

Moodiness, irritability, clinical depression, increased negative thinking, negative perception of events, decreased motivation, flood of negative emotions, appetite and sleep problems, low energy, irritability, decreased interest in others, feelings of helplessness or powerlessness, feeling dissatisfied or bored, excessive guilt, suicidal feelings, crying, lowered interest in things usually considered fun, low self-esteem, negative sensitivity to smells/odors, forgetfulness and poor concentration, decreased or increased sexual responsiveness and social isolation, as well as bonding disruption, baby blues, postpartum depression or even severe psychosis.

Death

In familial relationships there is often a tight neurochemical bond (from a myriad of stored emotional memories) When it is broken the activity in the deep limbic system is disrupted which can activate pain centers in the brain, making the pain almost physical. Death where a good relationship was enjoyed can heal faster than one where a bad relationship was had, as the memories recalled are good, relative to being filled with turmoil or bitterness. The death of a spouse can be very painful because of the physical relationship that was had. The death of a pet can also be very painful, as the pet often gives love not trammeled by conditions. Many people become as bonded with their pets as with significant others.

Depressed people tend to isolate themselves which can become perpetuating as the more isolated a person becomes, the less bonding occurs, which then increases the depression. It has been considered to be caused by a deficit of neurotransmitters like norepinephrine and serotonin. New research incorporates the build-up of stress.

Bipolar disorder

Bipolar disorder is cyclical depressive bouts with manic or bizarre behavior. The disorder is usually quite responsive to medication like Lithium salts, which helps to stabilize moods. The problem is that when the medication improves the condition, the person feels so normal that they begin to believe they never had a problem and then they relapse when they discontinue the medication prematurely.

Premenstrual stress

PMS – can be debilitating for some women. The limbic system which involves moods has a higher density of estrogen. Estrogen changes during puberty, before the onset of menses, after a baby is born or during menopause which makes them vulnerable. She can react from the left side of the limbic system with anger, irritability and expressed negative emotions, or the right side associated with sadness, emotional withdrawal, and anxiety and repressed negative emotions.

How to deal with depression follows.

### Chapter 9

### Banishing depression

Depression, a process of decline and repression, characterized by low energy levels, reduced initiative, feelings of inadequacy and a restricted outlook, can be banished. With guidance you can change the intensity of the effects of your past life on your current life. Even if there is no overt cause for your depression, you can also banish it by various means. Start by having your curtains open with fresh air coming in, spending some time in the sun, drinking enough water, standing and sitting up straight, doing exercises and doing something new.

Depressed people tend to recall things that are consistent with their mood. When unpleasant things happen to them they think about them for longer than is helpful to solve their problems. In order to heal the deep limbic system, it is important to remember times that made you happy. Make a list of ten of the happiest times in your life. Make them come alive remembering the smells, colors or music that accompanied them. Help your limbic system. Whenever it normalizes there will be a corresponding decrease of your symptoms.

To heal deep limbic system problems one has to enhance positive thought patterns and strengthen their connections. I acknowledge that due to the feeling state of depression you would not want to do this, but concentrate on what you definitely do want – to feel good, and you will be able to draw yourself out of it.

Accurate thinking, the proper management of memories, the connections between pleasant smells and moods, and building positive bonds between oneself and others is the key to getting rid of depression.

People who are depressed have one dispiriting thought after another. When they look at the past they feel regret, when they look at the future they feel anxiety and pessimism. In the present there is always something unsatisfactory. They have automatic negative thoughts, or ANTs. The internal distress caused by melancholy thoughts can make you behave in ways that alienate others, causing you to isolate yourself further.

What goes on in your mind all day long can be self-defeating or self-promoting. Most people don't understand that it is important to eradicate bad thinking habits, or they leave development of thought patterns to chance. Every thought one has sends electrical signals throughout your brain. Thoughts are real with actual physical properties and they have significant influence on every cell in your body. Burdening your mind with many negative thoughts causes limbic problems like moodiness, irritability and depression. Being on the alert and teaching yourself to control and direct your thoughts is one of the most effective ways to become better.

Think about the last time you became angry. Relive the feeling: Just remembering it will make your heart beat faster, your muscles tense and your hands sweat. You may even feel a little dizzy. Notice how your body reacts to every negative thought you have. What you are experiencing is the stress response. It is the same response that is registered by lie detectors.

Then take a few deep slow breaths and relax. Think about a dam in the country with birds around you and feel how you feel. Your brain has released chemicals that have made you feel better. Your muscles have relaxed, your heart beats more slowly, your hands become dry and you breathe more slowly.

Thoughts are very powerful. They can make you physically ill if you do not control and direct them. They pollute your body, causing you to be more susceptible to colds, flu, headaches, stomach aches and more serious diseases.

Understand also that your negative thoughts are not necessarily true. If you had three bad things happen to you, it isn't true that everything bad always happen to you, it is simply part of your victim syndrome. Challenge every negative thought you have so that your mind will not believe it and your body react to it. When you correct negative thoughts, you take away their power over you.

The more you allow negative thoughts to fester, the more they will accumulate until they ruin your relationships, your self-esteem and your personal power. Here are some particularly harmful negative thoughts that have to be exterminated: I will never have friends, she is always nasty to me, I'll never get anywhere, everyone hates me, you always turn away from me, and they never listen to me. Stop thinking in absolutes; rather make yourself recall examples that will disprove your all or nothing attitude.

When you reflect only on the bad of a situation and ignore any of the good you are focusing on the negative. Do not think of the one exam that went badly when you did well in the majority. That is not the only exam you will ever write or the only one that counts. Every time you think about the worst one, counteract with the results of your best one.

When one predicts the worst outcome for a situation, it is the same as fortune telling. It will make you feel tense and it will promote a bad outcome. Rather think of more ways you can prepare to get a good outcome.

If you believe you know what other people are thinking you are mind reading. You may be thinking that you know someone doesn't like you, when they may only be wondering why you are always uncomfortable in their presence, or their minds may simply be preoccupied with their own issues. Stay away from infectious mind reading. Rather ask for clarifications if there are things you don't understand.

Thinking with your feelings is when you feel a certain way so you think it must be so. Feeling guilty and then coming to the conclusion that you are bad is an example. Or feeling stupid and thinking it must be true. Whenever you have a strong negative feeling, question it. What is the evidence of you being a total failure? Does it for instance include never having been kind to anyone and never having been helpful?

Beating yourself up with guilt; thoughts like ought to, have to, is not productive. It is human nature not to want to do anything you feel obliged to do. Rather say you want to or that it is in your best interest. Past tense should haves are even more unproductive. Change what you can and let the rest be.

When you label yourself or someone else negatively you are causing harm to yourself. You are not seeing the person anymore, but the label. (Like pest)

Personalizing is when you give personal meanings to innocent situations. He did not phone me back so he's not interested. It could be that his phone was out of action.

Blaming is the most harmful, because when you blame something or someone you become a passive victim of circumstances and you make it difficult to change the situation. For instance: It would not have happened if; it wasn't my fault; how was I supposed to know; you caused it... Stop the blame game. You have to take personal responsibility for your problems before you can change them.

If you leave ANTs unchecked they can infect your whole bodily system. You need to notice them and correct them the moment they occur. When a negative thought goes unchallenged, your mind believes it and your body reacts to it. By bringing them out to a conscious level, you can see for yourself how little sense it makes to think these kinds of things. Sometimes people have trouble talking to grossly unpleasant thoughts because they have become 'truisms' over time. They think if they gainsay them they are lying to themselves. You need to respond consciously to bad ingrained brain habits and question them. If your mind felt bad over something in the past and therefore thought negatively about it, it does not mean it is true or applicable to the present. Take away their power and regain control over your thoughts.

If you spend a lot of time with negative people their moods rub off on you. You may walk into a room in buoyant spirits and before long you think like they do. Get up and go somewhere else. You don't need it. Do the people around you make you feel good about yourself and believe in you? Do they support you? Spending time with people who believe you'll never amount to anything will dampen your enthusiasm to pursue your goals. They present unnecessary obstacles for you to overcome.

It cannot be overemphasized how much hidden influence others can exert and how contagious their attitudes are. Therefore rather than hanging around negative people, go to positive thinking seminars, listen to motivational audios and uplifting music and belong to support groups like AA. By connecting with others who have also struggled and learning from their experiences of overcoming tough times alcoholics find ways out of their own plight. The same applies for cancer. According to David Spiegel from Stanford University, people who belong to cancer support groups have higher survival rates than those who don't. Spend time with people who enhance the quality of your limbic system rather than those who cause it to become inflamed.

Many researchers have studied depression. It has been found that cognitive therapy (like the above), interpersonal therapy or medication is equally effective, but one has to take the side effects and long effect time of medication into consideration.

Take responsibility for keeping relationships strong. Look for what you can do to improve it. It will make you feel empowered as well as improve the relationship. Never take relationships for granted – for them to be special, they need to be nurtured.

You need physical bonding. Touch will help keep irritability and depression away. Sweet words, caressing and kissing and eye contact builds love, trust and security in the family. If a partner feels hurt and rejected, the bond will erode. Without physical contact love will sour, causing one person to withdraw and perhaps look for love elsewhere.

Studies have shown that massage has positive effects on virtually all the maladies they have tested upon; physical illness as well as depression, loneliness and other mental maladies. It lowers stress, boosts the immune system and causes people to make more social calls.

Babies, who do not experience love, do not develop appropriate limbic connections and then cannot trust and connect themselves to others. Research has shown that touch is critical for babies as they actually die without it (as do other animals).

Smells activate the olfactory nerves, which go straight to the limbic system. As I have mentioned, great smells help people to feel less stressed and less depressed. So, do use a few drops of a favorite essential oil in your bath. Lavender oil has been shown to enhance sleep, so put a few drops near your pillowcase. Use and experiment with great smells in the kitchen. Cooked cinnamon is considered to be an aphrodisiac.

Smell and memory are processed in the same area of the brain. That is why smells sometimes bring up memories. Smells affect our moods. By surrounding yourself with fragrant flowers and other pleasant smells you are affecting your brain in a powerful way.

Endorphins (the limbic system has many receptors) are released when you exercise and they induce a sense of wellbeing. Exercise also increases the blood flow throughout your brain, which nourishes it so it can function properly, which makes you feel good. People who exercise have a general sense of wellbeing that those who lead a sedentary lifestyle do not experience. They have increased energy, a healthy appetite and sleep more soundly. Added bonuses are a healthy heart, and well-toned muscles. An inactive lifestyle doesn't burn fat as it should and your body loses its efficiency. Exercise keeps you from feeling lethargic, it increases metabolism which helps keep your weight down, and normalizes melatonin production in your brain which enhances the sleep cycle. Try different activities until you find some that suit you.

Here is an interesting piece of advice: People tend to experience the emotion of their expression. Biting a pencil between your teeth without your lips touching makes people feel happier than if you only hold the pencil between your lips, which gives a frown look, according to experiments done by Fritz Strack. Cheer yourself up by behaving like a happy person. Those who make an intentional change remain happier for a longer amount of time. Circumstantial change one gets used to and bored with. Intentional change such as creating new experiences that fit your values, abilities and personality makes you happier.

Proteins

Tryptophan is a small amino acid which enhances mood. It has difficulty competing with larger amino acids in entering the brain. With exercise the larger amino acids are utilized by the body which facilitates the path for Tryptophan. L tryptophan is naturally found in eggs, meat and milk. You can supplement with 1000mg of I tryptophan. Any supplements taken with other medication should be checked with your doctor.

Omega 3 fatty acids, found most prevalently in fish, are needed by the limbic system in order to function properly. Proteins are the building blocks of neurotransmitters. Dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin have all been implicated in depression and mood disorders. The richest sources of proteins are lean fish, beans, cheese and nuts. Eating balanced meals enhance serotonin levels. Low norepinephrine and dopamine levels are often associated with depression, lethargy, trouble focusing, negativity and mental fuzziness. Protein snacks without simple carbohydrates will enhance them.

Low serotonin levels are associated with worrying, moodiness, emotional rigidity and irritability. These issues are discussed in the next chapter. Serotonin levels can be raised with the following foods: Pasta, potatoes, bread, pastries, pretzels and popcorn. Also chicken, turkey, salmon, beef, peanut butter, eggs, green peas, potatoes and milk.

Also see Part 6: New insight on depression.

### Chapter 10

### Worry and obsessiveness (The cingulate system)

The cingulate system lies centrally from front to back of the frontal lobes. Overall it gives you cognitive flexibility. It allows you to shift your attention from one thing to another, to move from idea to idea and to see options in life. It also makes you feel safe and secure.

Rigidity

People with cingulate problems have difficulty shifting their attention away from a topic and get stuck in ineffective behavior patterns. They tend to be rigid and autocratic. They also tend to think the same thought over and over. People with overactive cingulate will not let go of an incident, they cannot shift away from an idea.

Another characteristic is that they want to do things immediately. They need to do it now. They will only eat specific foods, need to keep their room a certain way, feel uncomfortable about changing anything or being flexible about anything. They also say no automatically to anything. People with cingulate problems are bad with road rage as they cannot move on after an incident.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Obsessive Compulsive disorder (OCD), is a cingulate problem. They may clean their house all day long, or wash their hands compulsively, or have repetitive thoughts about violence or sex, or contamination, or doubt. They may feel a compulsion towards ritualistic touching, counting or checking. The more the person tries to control it, the more powerful it becomes. The person knows the actions are senseless, but they often provide a release of tension.

Obsessive compulsive behavior

The behavior can be described as a type of superstition. If you notice this behavior in yourself you should take measures to stop it, as it escalates with time.

Obsessive compulsive behavior begins like this: Say you have a routine of checking that all the doors are locked at night and the stove and taps are off. You go to bed but feel unsure that you have checked everything. This makes you get up and check everything again. You may begin to develop a ritual and feel that the routine has to be performed in a certain way, and if a mistake is made you have to start all over again. Your routine becomes more complicated and you feel you need to do it right. You may feel you have to shut the door three times, or switch the lights on and off twice, or take only three steps to the stove.

Washing hands, not wanting to touch money because of dirt – these are common symptoms of the disease.

Other compulsions

Obsessive Compulsive Disorders have a spectrum that includes repetitive thoughts about issues which become disorders, such as chronic pain, bulimia or anorexia, addictive disorder, compulsive gambling or shopping or oppositional defiance. You feel compelled to drink, throw up, not eat, gamble or feel pain or be negative and hostile. If you resist the tension builds and builds. Stress often increases activity in the cingulate system.

Any of these compulsions can be treated with the same methods, if you have not let it slide until it has become life threatening, in which case you will need medical and psychiatric assistance.

Here is an example: Oppositional defiant children have to be asked seven or eight times before they comply. They lock up cognitively when they are forced to comply. Their parents say they simply do not listen. Saying no automatically can also be an issue. Even if they want to do something they will automatically say no.

Tackling these problems

In order to heal the cingulate system, you have to train it to see options and new ideas. Research by Jeffrey Schwartz, a psychiatrist, has shown that it can be normalized through medication or therapy, but discontinuing medication may put you back to square one. In therapy you will be taught thought stopping techniques and you will be encouraged to confront your fears. Exercise always helps to distract you and to relax your mind.

If you feel confident you can address the behavior yourself. If you can identify the cause and try to address that as well it will be good, but if you do not know the cause, accept that it is due to general tension and proceed.

Discuss what would be normal behavior with someone you trust. Then do something every day to bring what you do but don't want to, in line with normal behavior. If you repeatedly do things, keep telling yourself 'once is enough'. Question the validity of the bad consequences you imagine will happen if you do not do these things. Imagine how happy your family will be if you stop the behavior. So what if there are germs, microbes and dirt on money. Everyone touches money every day without ill effect. So what if surfaces are not clean and germ free? No-one can even survive in a germ free world. Treat yourself by gradually intensified exposure, checking on your anxiety level as you go along...and reward yourself every time you reach a goal.

Notice when you're stuck and distract yourself. Sing or do something which needs brainpower. Take a walk, listen to music or play with a pet. Focus on one sound or word and do not let any other thoughts intrude. Meditate. Fight the tendency to say no. Give yourself time to think and consider whether it is really necessary or what you want. Write out what is worrying you. Then write out what you can do about it. Then write out what you cannot do about it. Talk to someone about it. Allow them to help you come up with solutions or different ways of thinking about it. If you are religious, say the serenity prayer: 'God, grant me the...' If not, meditate.

If you are dealing with someone else who is stuck, do not continue to try and convince them of the issue that is causing dissent; take a break or try to distract them after having made your point once. Say you have to go to the bathroom. Reverse psychology works with people who struggle with cingulate problems, if it isn't done obviously. You can ask them to do the opposite of what you want. Also, make it look as if what you want is their idea. Don't ask them to meet you at a certain time, ask what time would suit them. Suggest that they probably wouldn't want to do something or stay without something.

Get children who are stuck on the negative to do something else. Go for a walk with them. If they have a problem with going to school, explain that it is the law for them to go to school, and that they may only stay home if they are sick. That means sick enough to lie in bed without distractions like TV or video games. They have to realize that tearful oppositional behavior will not get them anywhere. If you allow oppositional behavior to prevail it will only reinforce it. Permissive parents do not teach their children how to deal with authority, which causes trouble socially and in school. You do not need to be cold, and will of course hear the child's opinion, but if you allow the child to argue with you, you will only strengthen his or her cingulate resistance. The need is for them to learn to do what their parents say the first time without arguing. The more emotional and argumentative you get, the more they will misbehave. Do not fight over every issue. Be flexible. Maintain a good relationship.

When someone becomes totally stuck mentally and the difficulty in dealing with the person becomes untenable, you may need to resort to medication. EMDR therapy can also be explored.

EMDR, (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) the brain's information processing system is accelerated to jump start the patient to process their emotional and painful experiences, activating the brain's natural and healing process. This is done by a trained therapist. The process is to keep your mind on the trauma causing the distress while you follow hand movements of the therapist with your eyes. It is said to correlate to the rapid eye movement in sleep. It may also be useful in accelerating healing of posttraumatic stress.

### Chapter 11

### Memory and temper (The temporal lobes)

Thinking about your feelings

Aristotle is famous for these words: 'Anyone can become angry – that is easy. But to become angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not easy.' In his investigation into the concept of ethics and the virtuous man he maintained that the key to cultivating virtue was to manage one's passions. Unlike Plato, he realized that rationality wasn't always in conflict with one's emotions.

The fact that humans can think about their thoughts and feelings (metacognition) enables them to disregard nonsensical automatic reactions. By thinking about our emotions, unless there is a biological problem exacerbating the issue, we can regulate them. An individual can consider why he is angry, sad, happy or ecstatic.

Memory

The rational brain does not silence emotions, but it can help figure out which ones should be followed.

The temporal lobes play an integral part in memory, emotional stability, learning and socialization. Our memories are responsible for our sense of personal identity and our sense of connectedness to those around us. They are the stores of our greatest joys and our deepest sorrows. They both influence our actions and the ways in which we take action.

We recognize faces and facial expressions and are able to accurately perceive voice tones and intonations through our non-dominant temporal lobe, usually the right. Emotional stability is heavily influenced by the dominant temporal lobe.

Language allows us to communicate and leave a legacy of our thoughts and actions. Being able to receive and understand speech and written words requires temporal lobe stability. The dominant temporal lobe helps to process sounds and written words into meaningful information. Problems here contribute to miscommunication, struggles with language and reading disabilities. The temporal lobes interpret what we hear and integrate it with stored memories to give meaning to the information. Strong conviction, great insight and recognizing the truth are attributed to the temporal lobes.

Problems that can occur

Temporal lobe concerns can be caused by head injury, infection, genetics, or toxic exposure. Common problems associated with the left temporal lobe include aggression, dark or violent thoughts, sensitivity to slights, mild paranoia, word finding problems, auditory processing problems, reading difficulties, and emotional instability. Anger, irritability and aggressiveness are usually left temporal glitches, while internal discomfort like anxiety and fearfulness are usually right temporal problems.

A wide variety of symptoms can be displayed with temporal lobe issues; seeing shadows out of the corners of the eyes, seeing objects change size or shape, hearing buzzing or static type noises, smelling odors or getting odd tastes in the mouth, feeling crawling sensations on the skin.

According to Daniel Amen, the psychiatrist, moral or religious preoccupation is a common symptom of temporal lobe dysfunction. That includes fear of the devil, the sinfulness of others or you, the state of the world and periods of feeling spaced out or panicked.

Hypergraphia, a tendency toward compulsive and extensive writing are temporal concerns, also not being able to get the words out of your head and onto paper. Brain injury or infection in the temporal lobes can cause serious memory loss.

Alzheimer's disease, which causes you to forget how to find your way home, how to recognize your family, how to dress, as well as becoming increasingly aggressive, is the progressive form of senile dementia. It can leave families exhausted physically, emotionally and financially.

Help for temporal lobes

Advice from Daniel Amen is that as the temporal lobes store the experiences of your life, to keep them stimulated with good ones – it will help keep you healthy. The temporal lobes are involved with rhythm and music. Song has been known to have healing qualities. Song is joyful no matter what your voice sounds like. Song can be a spiritual experience. Listening to a good choir can lift the soul. Listening to uplifting music will have a healing effect on your temporal lobes.

Chant in tones with elongated vowel sounds like, ah, ou, ee, ay, or ohm. It will release your fears and emotions and help you to become centered. It balances the brainwaves and reduces the heart rate.

Learn to play a musical instrument or take up dancing. Chanting is used to open and focus the mind. It has a rhythm that induces a trancelike state.

Get enough sleep. Studies show decreased perfusion in the temporal lobes in people who get less than 6 hours sleep per day. Decreased sleep is also associated with mood instability, decreased cognitive ability, irritability and periods of being spaced out.

Caffeine and nicotine decrease blood flow to the brain, especially the temporal lobes. They help in the short run, but make things worse in the long run – and you have to take more and more to get the same effect.

Many people with aggressive behavior become worse after a heavy sugar load. A heavier protein/lower simple carbohydrate intake is better for people with temporal lobe challenges.

Biofeedback or neurofeedback can be very helpful for brain injury patients. It is a technology in which patients learn to modify their physiology for the purpose of improving physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. Like physical therapy, training requires active participation on the part of the patient and regular practice between training sessions. For further information, see: 'Introduction to quantitive EEG and neurofeedback', by James R. Evans and Andrew Abarbanel.

Violence

Annoyance and frustration can be habitual, like anxiety, but they are still human emotions. However, when there are low levels of serotonin in your brain, which inhibits overreaction of the chemical norepinephrine, anger outbursts can get out of hand.

Violent behavior has a combination of causes and different areas of the brain can be affected. Psychological, social and biological factors can contribute. Violence is determined in each individual by a number of interconnected factors; brain system function, metabolic factors, genetic factors, psychodynamic and emotional issues, health, previous brain trauma, prescribed medication and abused substances. All these factors are unique in the assaults made on the equilibrium of each individual. Any drug, prescribed or abused, has an effect to either increase or decrease its reactivity to an assault.

Violent people can have trouble thinking (prefrontal cortex, as with schizophrenia or major depression) get stuck on certain thoughts (cingulate, as when they are cut off in the road) have a short fuse (left temporal) be anxious and moody (basal ganglia and limbic system) When the amygdala, deep in the temporal lobes and considered part of the limbic system, are stimulated, the person becomes more agitated and aggressive. Left side abnormalities are associated with irritability and aggression while the right side correlates with more withdrawn, socially conscious and fearful persons.

Many suicidal people have cingulate problems (not being able to move away from the negative) left temporal lobe (irritability and a short fuse) and decreased prefrontal cortex activity (inability to concentrate and showing impulsivity and poor judgment). Suicide is often a modeled behavior.

People who stalk show similar patterns. They become fixated on having an intimate relationship with someone.

### Chapter 12

### Attention Deficit Disorder (The prefrontal cortex)

Inattention and impulsivity – The prefrontal cortex

The prefrontal cortex guides, supervises, directs and focuses our behavior. It governs abilities such as judgment, time management, planning, organization, critical thinking and impulse control. It is responsible for behaviors that are necessary for us to be goal directed, socially responsible, and effective.

The prefrontal cortex helps you to think before you speak or do something. When you have a disagreement, it helps you control the urge to follow your emotions and possibly make things worse

A student that starts a project early uses his prefrontal cortex when he decides to make use of the extra research time that he knows will also lessen anxiety. People with poor prefrontal cortex function tend not to learn from experience. They make the same impulsive mistakes time and again. The prefrontal cortex helps with the learning experience through short term memory. It gets you to stay on task and finish projects. It helps you focus and sustain your attention span.

It translates feelings controlled by the limbic system into recognizable emotions such as love, hate and jealousy. When it is damaged one can become out of tune with feelings, leaving you cold and unfeeling. It has the ability to think through the consequences of behavior. Without the prefrontal cortex function it becomes difficult to be consistent and thoughtful. Impulses can take over. One will also become more vulnerable to moods.

Attention deficit disorder

ADHD manifests itself as an inability to delay instant gratification. Children suffering from it cannot focus or sit still which makes them struggle to stay on task, with the consequence that their school performance suffers. It has been discovered that children who suffer from ADHD have a developmental lag in their brains, especially in the prefrontal cortex. The brain almost always catches up from this slow start and the prefrontal cortex is usually its normal size by the end of adolescence.

The more pressure you put on a person with ADD to perform, the less effective he or she usually becomes. It is more effective to use praise with someone with ADD than pressure. People with ADD have problems paying attention to regular routine matters. They need excitement and interest to kick-start their prefrontal cortex. They are easily distracted and say things impulsively. It can for instance ruin a relationship when a partner blurts out the wrong thing and instead of apologizing tries to justify their remarks. Relationships require tact.

People with ADD sometimes seek conflict to stimulate their brain. Instead of screaming back, try to answer softly every time to try to break their addiction to turmoil. The high levels of adrenaline produced by conflict driven behavior decreases the immune system's effectiveness and increases vulnerability to illness.

More effects of ADD are disorganization and losing track of time. They will also start many projects but finish few.

Since the prefrontal cortex in underactive, it cannot fully temper the limbic system, which becomes overactive, leaving the person open to worry and focus on negative thoughts. The right stimulant medication can help sufferers from seeming laziness to becoming goal directed. It can improve relationships and make them accomplish more.

Becoming focused

In order to strengthen the conscious part of your mind, making specific goals that you can focus on every day can make a big difference in your life. Write down goals in each area of your life; your work, your relationships, your health, your money. Write in the positive what is important to you in each area. Pin your paper in a place where you will read it every morning as you start your day.

Focusing on what you like about your life and what you like about others is a powerful way to keep your prefrontal cortex healthy. It's not always natural to notice the good in ourselves or others, especially if we have low PFC function. Remind yourself to notice good things. And if you have a child with ADD, praise him or her every time they do something you like and give them a hug. Do not react to bad behavior. What is not fed will die.

Create meaning, purpose and excitement in your life. Stimulate your prefrontal cortex. It can make the difference between success and failure. It may also help you towards less medication.

Learning organized skills can also be very helpful. Look up an organizational program on the computer or get a day planner. Make a to-do list prioritizing projects. Make deadlines and keep up with your paperwork. Do unpleasant tasks first and break down overwhelming tasks into manageable steps. Keep an appointment book and sort things into folders.

Children can be taught through EEG biofeedback techniques how to stimulate beta brainwaves (doing mental tasks) instead of staying in theta (daydreaming) states. It does take time, but EEG biofeedback helps improve reading skills and decreases the need for medication. It also helps decrease impulsivity and aggressiveness.

Another technique used is audio visual stimulation where symptoms subside while staying on the treatment.

The critical thing is to starve the turmoil and not to feed it. Don't yell; humor the situation, listen well and say you are trying to understand but you can only do that when things are calm.

You can concentrate and focus when all areas of the brain work easily together. A healthy lifestyle and good posture helps to facilitate this. Right brain children often observe everything and cannot distinguish what is important now and what is not. They try harder without being selective because of the way they are wired and often rock, run or move around which results in attention deficit disorder. Standing up straight and practicing focusing on an object even while being conscious of a wider field of objects around can help. Also concentrate on finishing one task before starting another.

Recommended foods are lean meats, eggs, low-fat cheeses, nuts and legumes with vegetables. Eliminate simple sugars like cakes, candies, pastries and ice cream and reduce bread, pasta, rice and potatoes. Supplements like Gingko biloba and grape seed and pine bark from health food stores increase dopamine in the brain.

### Part 3 – Common concerns

Every problem is a gift – without problems we would not grow. – Anthony Robbins.

### Chapter 13

### Obesity, alcoholism, anorexia nervosa, bulimia, gaming addiction

Obesity

If you are struggling with obesity, first take your age into consideration. If you are still relatively young, you need to look at the causes of your obesity.

Eating compulsively and becoming obese from overeating is not necessarily the same thing. The reasons for being overweight can vary. Your body may have been conditioned to overeating from a young age, in which case you will need to convince your brain that so much food is an unnecessary burden for you. Question whether you have habitually been offered food to make up for inattention or some other reason, or used food yourself as compensation for feeling bad. Perhaps something else is involved, such as subconsciously feeling threatened by the opposite sex and being afraid of getting hurt. .

Metabolism slows down with age, making it more difficult to lose weight. You also do not need to eat as much as you used to if you lead a more sedentary lifestyle. More fat is stored in the stomach area, with the result that eating less and exercising regularly becomes necessary if you wish to keep your weight down and your figure trim. If you decide to do this however, there is the bonus of not having to carry extra weight on a weakening frame.

There are other causes for being fat. Do you like the taste of food so much, that it overshadows the advantages of being in shape? Some people become so obsessed with food that once they start they cannot stop. This is compulsive eating, where the mind needs to be distracted from food as well as following rules. Have a look at chapter 11 again. If you recognize the symptoms, follow the treatments.

If you are fat because you have a deep seated fear of socializing with the opposite sex, it is something you need to challenge. Is it really worth it being lonely because of this? You most probably don't like what you see in the mirror. Fear of getting hurt is common to all humans, but once you can get yourself so far as to make a consistent effort, the rewards can wonderfully change your life.

What are your compensations for being fat? It is only when you can answer these questions truthfully, that you can begin to make lasting inroads into being obese.

So the problem lies not with the food, but with what your mind tells you that you need. If you can remove the need you think you have, you can remove the problem - permanently.

I knew someone who was just 10kg overweight. She lost the 10 kg religiously every year - and just as regularly put the weight back on every year. She was always not that fat, but not that thin. The extra weight must have bothered her otherwise she would not have gone to so much effort – she knew the amount of calories in everything she ate, she had tried every diet that ever existed. But why couldn't she keep the weight off - because she always treated the symptom and never looked at the cause of her weight problem.

With weight problems it helps to understand the reasons why you are fat, as you have to treat and overcome those reasons in order to keep the weight off permanently. That is not to say that there is always something sinister behind being fat, it could simply be habit, even from a very young age. And this is no excuse to put the blame firmly on your mother and remain fat. It is you who have to make the effort, as it is you who have the problem. You need to make the mind shift: Your body cannot take so much food – be kind to your body. It can become a pleasure to look in the mirror.

Research done

A lot of research has been done on overeating. For instance: How much we eat depends on serving sizes. The following research was done: People at a dining table were offered soup in bowls that were surreptitiously being kept filled from below with tubes, in fact bottomless bowls. They ate 75% more! We chat or think of other things while we eat, and do not notice how much we eat. Bowls of sweets were put in reception rooms. When they held bigger scoops, visitors took much more.

We can create quick but effective ways for cutting the extent of our eating and drinking. Corby Martin showed that by beginning to eat at your normal rate, but by slowing down and eating the rest of the meal slowly, savoring each and every mouthful, one cuts down significantly on the amount you eat. It reduces the appetite.

When one pours a drink, using a wide glass makes you pour much more in the glass – people tend to take the depth of the liquid as a measurement – on average 20% more.

Placing food out of sight or just a few meters away reduces consumption. Do not put desirable food in transparent jars or within easy reach. Stock piling ready to eat food will result in the food being eaten at twice the rate. People eat significantly more when they are distracted at mealtimes by chatting, watching TV or reading a magazine and not paying attention to their food.

Seeing that the amount you eat is also influenced by the size of the bowls or spoons use smaller dishes and utensils. Making notes of how much you eat can make you lose weight. Being aware of what you eat every day will help you break old habits.

Thinking about how much you will regret having eaten too much or not having gone to the gym will motivate you to do what is good. When exercising on your own, do not do it in front of a mirror. Focusing on your defects may demotivate you. But, placing a mirror where tempting food is will help you stay away from it. Diet sweets and crisps have been shown to make you eat twice as much and exercise less – the inclination is to think that it's okay, since it is diet stuff.

Once you decide to lose weight, working through a doctor or dietician if you have a lot of weight to lose will be best. If you are reasonably healthy and can handle it yourself, it could be a good idea to have someone who will keep you on your toes. Crash diets do not work and are often not healthy. The internet is often a vehicle for advertising, so take out a variety of books that are up to date on dieting, so that you become knowledgeable. It has been found that you don't have to starve yourself in order to lose weight; it will help if you brush up on food nutrients and food combinations.

Hypnosis or self-hypnosis helps with addictions, but it needs to be repeated. You can tackle any addiction by transporting your own issues as criteria. Begin by having a meeting in your head, and discuss all the issues of why you have this habitual problem. Don't say "I don't know", it is taking the easy way out. Then offer suggestions. You have a start. You also need an objective observer in your head, who will not take sides. Then you need to make a list of all the advantages of losing your habit, such as the following for weight loss:

1. My new habits are my creations, therefore I may find them easier to keep

2. As I progress and my new image emerges, I may find it easier and easier.

3. I can become more self-assured, relaxed and poised as I continue.

4. My desire to accomplish my goal will induce a feeling of pride as my ability grows.

5. I may find healthier, more satisfying or enjoyable activities.

6. I may find more nutritious food and a healthier lifestyle invigorates me.

7. My appetite for my addiction will reduce in time.

8. I can look forward to a lifetime of more health and more happiness.

Body imaging is also a very effective technique in hypnosis. If you are overweight, picture yourself becoming thinner and thinner, or fitting into smaller sizes. Picture yourself in detail; all parts of your body. See in color. Also picture everything you are going to need to do to accomplish your goal and set your schedule. Know that as you control yourself, you control your life.

Everyone doubts at some stage. Realize that it is temporary and do what is necessary to distract yourself one day at a time. Every day is an achievement and every day brings you closer to the winning post. At times like these you need strong imaging. If your problem is food, that cookie you are reaching out for can be seen as a big pile of dung; bread is made from white worms and crisps from cockroaches.

Binge eating disorder or compulsive eating

Binge eating is an addiction issue, which can be treated as such – follow the advice in this chapter, but also have another look at chapter 11. Binge eating disorder is often found in adolescents and also in middle aged people. It can go hand in hand with depression, so have another look at those chapters.

Anorexia nervosa

Anorexia nervosa is characterized by an obsessive concern about one's weight, to the extent that your self-worth can be determined by your weight alone. You suffer from anorexia nervosa when you are significantly underweight for your body mass index, and you caused being underweight through your own efforts. About a quarter of patients suffering from anorexia nervosa binge eat as well, but in small amounts that are viewed by them as excessive.

It is addictive behavior which can be treated with cognitive behavioral therapy, which is discussed in chapters 11 and 14. Also, take another look at chapter 9: Abolishing depression.

Bulimia

Bulimia is akin to anorexia nervosa; the compulsion is to frequently binge eat large amounts. There is a sense of not being able to control the binge eating. The person then takes extreme measures to remain thin, through vomiting, fasting, misusing laxatives or diuretics, or exercising. The person remains extremely concerned about their shape or weight. Treat bulimia, like anorexia nervosa, with cognitive behavioral therapy; look at addictions, as well as at depression.

Alcohol abuse

Alcohol is not usually imbibed for its taste and is often seen as medicine to reach an effect.

You can recover from alcoholism and alcohol abuse - no matter how bad the addiction or how powerless you feel. You don't have to wait until you hit rock bottom; you can make a change at any time.

Recovery is usually a gradual process. In the early stages of change, denial is a huge obstacle. If you're struggling with the decision, it can help to think about the costs and benefits of each choice. Even if you have fun while you're drinking, your relationships would probably improve if you didn't. You would feel better mentally and physically. Return to imaging that shows you coping in front of those you love, whether they are alive or have passed on.

Drinking gets in the way of job performance and family responsibilities. It makes you feel depressed, anxious, and ashamed of yourself.

Setting goals

When you make goals more specific, realistic, and clear they are the better. Learn from the past and avoid bad influences. Reflect on previous attempts to stop drinking. What worked? What didn't? What can you do differently this time to avoid pitfalls? Write down your intentions. Some people can stop drinking on their own, while others need medical supervision in order to withdraw from alcohol safely and comfortably.

Withdrawal

When you drink heavily and frequently, your body becomes physically dependent on alcohol and goes through withdrawal if you suddenly stop drinking. The symptoms of alcohol withdrawal range from mild to severe, and include: Headache, shaking, sweating, nausea or vomiting, anxiety and restlessness, stomach cramps and diarrhea, trouble sleeping or concentrating and elevated heart rate and blood pressure.

Alcohol withdrawal symptoms usually start within hours after you stop drinking, peak in a day or two, and improve within five days. But in some alcoholics, withdrawal is not just unpleasant - it can be life threatening. Go to an emergency clinic if there is severe vomiting, confusion and disorientation, fever, hallucinations, seizures or convulsions.

DTs, or delirium tremens is rare, but this emergency condition causes dangerous changes in the way your brain regulates your circulation and breathing, so it's important to get to the hospital right away.

Continuing recovery

Rehab or professional treatment can get you started on the road to recovery, but to stay alcohol-free for the long term, you'll need to build a new, meaningful life where drinking no longer has a place.

To prevent mood swings and combat cravings, concentrate on eating right and getting plenty of sleep. Exercise is also of key importance: it releases endorphins, relieves stress, and promotes emotional well-being.

Surround yourself with positive influences and people who make you feel good about yourself. The more you're invested in other people and your community, the more you have to lose - which will help you stay motivated and on the recovery track. Find new hobbies, volunteer activities, or work that gives you a sense of meaning and purpose. When you're doing things you find fulfilling, you'll feel better about yourself and drinking will hold less appeal.

Your chances of staying sober improve if you are participating in a support group like Alcoholics Anonymous, have a sponsor, or are involved in therapy or an outpatient treatment program. Alcohol abuse is often a misguided attempt to manage stress.

Cravings for alcohol can be intense, particularly in the first six months after you quit drinking. Good alcohol treatment prepares you for these challenges, helping you develop new coping skills to deal with stressful situations, alcohol cravings, and social pressure to drink. No matter how much you try to avoid alcohol, there will probably be times where you're offered a drink. Prepare ahead for how you'll respond, with a firm, yet polite, 'no thanks.'

When you're struggling with alcohol cravings, talk to someone you trust, distract yourself until the urge passes, remind yourself of your reasons for not drinking, or accept the urge and ride it out instead of trying to fight it: Think of your craving as an ocean wave that will soon crest, break, and dissipate. It may pass sooner than you think.

Alcohol recovery is a process - one that often involves setbacks. Don't give up if you relapse or slip. A drinking relapse doesn't mean you're a failure or that you'll never be able to reach your goal. Each drinking relapse is an opportunity to learn and recommit to sobriety, so you'll be less likely to relapse in the future.

Gaming addiction

Gaming may only be a distraction from boredom, or facing life, or getting away from people you don't want to deal with. It becomes addictive through overuse. It takes work to develop other interests, so the person continues to play. The downside of gaming is that it occupies the mind, even if in limited directions, and this keeps you from broadening your horizons. And the more you medicate your need; the more difficult it becomes to break the habit. If you are lonely, it would be more productive to practice your social skills, take the difficult step of joining an interest group, or an activity, even if it seems like so much harder work in the beginning.

Results on experiments done on gaming addiction showed that it affects introverted, evening orientated males more than extraverted, morning orientated males or females.

Neuro-imaging on addictions

It is possible with neuroimaging to distinguish particular brain areas that are involved in the development and maintenance of addiction. Structural changes occur as a consequence of prolonged increased activity in brain areas associated with addiction. There is compelling evidence for the similarities between different types of addictions, notably substance-related addictions and Internet and gaming addiction. For instance, on the molecular level, gaming addiction is characterized by an overall reward deficiency that entails decreased dopaminergic activity. On the neural circuitry level, internet and gaming addiction leads to neurological adaptation. On a behavioral level, Internet and gaming addicts appear to be constricted with regards to their cognitive functioning in various domains.

All habitual problems are cemented in the subconscious mind. When you get into the habit of eating, or drinking, or gaming, or any other addictive habit, it is because the subconscious mind is reacting to a need other than food or alcohol, or whatever else. It takes the path of least resistance, the one that gave the temporary relief before – in other words it treats the symptoms, not the cause. It is your thinking mind, the conscious mind that has to work out the cause of your overeating, under-eating, drinking, drugging etc. and solve that problem, which will automatically make you eat, drink, drug or game less.

Try adapting the weight loss suggestions to any other addiction you may have, the exercise will be effective.

Drug abuse follows.

### Chapter 14

### Impact of drug and alcohol abuse on the brain

Rene had a very short attention span, he was impulsive, forgetful and disorganized. He had not had these problems while growing up. After twenty years of abusing his brain with heroin it basically had the functional abilities of someone fifty years older with a dementia condition. Research has consistently found that drugs and alcohol damages your brain. Without a healthy brain you cannot function properly.

Cocaine and methamphetamine

Cocaine and methamphetamine are rapidly taken up by the dopamine system in the basal ganglia, causing short term activation. Amphetamine and cocaine abusers show multiple perfusion defects across both hemispheres of the brain over time. They show under activity in the frontal and temporal-parietal areas with deficits in attention, concentration, visual-motor integration, new learning, visual and verbal memory and word production.

According to Dr. Daniel Amen, crack abusers show 23% decrease in blood flow and 42% if they are smokers as well, compared to control groups. People who suffer from ADD usually say that initially these drugs helped them to concentrate, have more energy and perform better. The more you use, unfortunately, the more you need to get the same effect. Denial typically accompanies the problem. Total abstinence from these drugs and alcohol, together with therapy and the right medication will improve the problem.

Opiates

Opiates like heroine cause some of the worst blood flow problems and some of the worst brain damage. Other opiates like methadone, codeine, Demerol, Percodan and Vicodin consistently cause overall decreased activity throughout the brain. Treatment with Methadone perpetuates ongoing brain damage.

Marijuana

Many young people believe marijuana is safe despite studies demonstrating cognitive, emotional and social impairment with chronic or heavy usage. 98% of cocaine users started off on marijuana, underscoring the aptness of the description 'gateway drug.' 52% of people with ADD have problems with substance abuse, a high number of them with marijuana abuse. Tests done on young abusers using four times or more a week showed profoundly poor temporal lobe perfusion. Two year users were totally demotivated (severe lack of interest, lack of motivation and lack of energy, apathy, poor attention span, social withdrawal and loss of interest in achievement). Abnormal activity in the temporal lobes has been associated with problems in memory, learning, and motivation.

Substances traditionally linked with violence are cocaine, methamphetamine, phencyclidine, anabolic steroids and alcohol. Caffeine and nicotine may also be involved and may magnify the negative effects of other substances. The situation can be exacerbated when there are underlying brain vulnerabilities.

Many substance abusers have duel psychiatric diagnoses. They may be using their substances as a way to medicate underlying psychiatric or neurological problems such as post-traumatic stress, depression, and anxiety or panic symptoms. It is therefore important to have ongoing problems with drug abuse properly diagnosed as the correct medication can solve such non responsive problems. Having SPECT photographs of your brain can arrest denial.

Strategies for dealing effectively with substance abuse and violence are:

1. Evaluating brain function through clinical history, neurological exams and sophisticated brain imaging is a key to proper diagnosis and effective early intervention.

2. Violent individuals and substance abusers should be screened for a history of head injuries. These conditions of the brain can be treated.

3. Getting medication for underlying medical and psychiatric problems can make anger management programs and substance abuse treatment more effective.

SPECT can be helpful by showing cerebral drug damage to abusers to enhance drug treatment compliance by uncovering past brain trauma that could be contributing to the clinical situation. Also by providing help to clinicians in choosing appropriate medication, and by allowing family members and others involved to see the medical contribution to the problems so they will encourage appropriate treatment.

### Chapter 15

### Jealousy, obsessiveness

A person who looks after his own interests knows that nothing is free. Reciprocation to the same degree is the moral and fair thing to do. The jealous person only wants and is not prepared to give. Selfishly jealous people throw scenes in public. They do not care about others and they do not think they should be obstructed, hindered or discarded. They are adamant that promises should be kept and do not accept that people are human and not only make mistakes but have the right to do so.

Children who throw tantrums when their demands were not met, do so not because of what they did not get, but because their demands were not met. Jealous people behave in the same way.

Jealous people feel afraid and threatened by the success of others. They do not like competition. They are afraid of rejection because they think they will be worthless on their own. It is easier to rely on someone else to make you secure and happy than to take responsibility for your own happiness.

Possessive people, when left on their own feel deserted, they don't know what to do with themselves. It is the consequence of placing the responsibility of their happiness and wellbeing on others.

Unfortunately the same traits always define the jealous person: a) they have a huge inferiority complex and b) a neurotic need for approval.

If you are jealous your biggest enemy is yourself, as you drive away those whose love you do not want to lose. You become a childish pain who believes you must get everything you want.

Few jealous people suffer in silence. They tend to shout and even become violent. They do not care about other people's feelings, only their own. Who can love a hateful, mean, unpleasant or violent person? Jealous people do not take responsibility for their actions. They always put the blame on the person they are jealous of.

Causes of jealousy

Usually the jealous person has a deep-seated belief that he or she is not desirable or lovable. It is their problem, and instead of driving someone away they should try to hate themselves less.

The best thing to do if you think someone doesn't love you anymore, is to ask them what they want, desire or need from you. If you can fulfill these requirements, do it and see if your partner's attitude towards you changes. Do something about your jealousy instead of putting the burden on your partner. Also consider whether you really think everyone has the same tastes in a partner as you, and that the whole world is only after your partner.

Seeking a solution

In general, people with emotional problems avoid self-knowledge and do not seek help because they are afraid that 'something ghastly' may come to light and that they may not be able to do anything about it.

Behavior and habits can almost always be changed. Why should you settle for the rest of your life with an emotional problem, simply because you've already had it for years? Anger, jealousy, depression, worry are all personality habits that can be changed.

It is also not true that someone else's behavior upsets you – you choose to get upset. If you stop making irrational deductions, you will change your habits for the better. You learnt to become a jealous, possessive person. You can unlearn it.

Jealousy is a behavior and behavior can be changed. Remind yourself that you were not born that way and it is not your personality. Tell yourself that you've learnt to judge yourself and to identify yourself with your behavior. You taught yourself to judge yourself by those who accept you. Analyze your beliefs and see that they do not make sense. If you reconsider your beliefs you may realize that you are actually close to peace of mind.

If you accept yourself, you are protected if other people don't accept you. Chances are you knew love before rejection, and chances are you will know it again. No one owns someone else, even in countries where the law states it as so. In reality, a marriage contract is only valid as long as both parties desire it to be. If, after many years your partner decides they want out, you have no moral right to stop them. People do not have to be kind. Your partner is not obliged to do the decent thing and we do not live in a fair world. It is irrational to believe that you will die if you lose your beloved, that you have no value without your beloved, and that you will never find another beloved.

It is never necessary for you to get your way. If you feel you should be treated in a certain way, you are making demands that are neurotic – if you treat someone well, they are not obliged to treat you well in return. That does not mean you have to live with such behavior, but people have the right to be human. You can, instead of throwing a tantrum, try to firmly do something about the problem in a rational manner.

Anger is a big problem, but accusing yourself all the time is just as bad. Accept yourself warts and all and forgive yourself your weaknesses, just try your best and forgive others their weaknesses as well. Rejecting yourself leads to feelings of guilt, an inferiority complex and depression.

People who flirt outrageously all the time or cheat on you make fools of themselves in other people's eyes, not of you. You have done nothing wrong. Besides, they have to live with their consciences and it is their problem. When you have a deep respect for yourself, others' mean or bad behavior cannot affect you.

You shape the way people treat you.

If you feel someone treats you like a baby, or someone else bullies you, or you are always being ignored, it is most probably because you have taught people to behave towards you in a certain way.

Think about it; if your mother always gave you lots of hugs and kisses when you got hurt as a child, instead of telling you not to be such a baby, what do you think a likely result would be? You may end up being less tough than the other kid, simply because it feels so good to be loved.

So, if you become accountable for your own behavior, you acknowledge your upbringing, and you change your behavior. Easier said than done, but if you're aware that you'll get certain results from the way you behave, if you're not happy with those results, you must change your behavior. If you're being mistreated by your partner, you have to stop allowing them to wipe the floor with your face.

Your next love is out there

If you lose the person you are so afraid of losing, don't just accept that it is true what people say; that all marriageable people have been taken. If you are getting a divorce, how many others out there do you think there are that are also getting divorced? They are most probably including you in 'all of those unavailable ones'.

If you are physically not what you used to be, your personality has most probably grown in attractiveness. It is probable that you are much more sophisticated than you were and are much wiser than you used to be. It is likely that you are more patient and understand life better. Chances are you've developed your talents and done much more, and can converse about many different topics and is most probably not as shy and awkward as you used to be.

If you think you will never get anyone as wonderful again, you can think with equal truth that you may find someone that is even more wonderful in perhaps totally different ways. I have met a man who took to his bed he was so depressed when his first wife of 35 years passed away. A younger lady came to feed him back to health and married him two years later. I met him a few years down the line and he told me he had married the two most wonderful women in the world.

Obsession

Imagine having just been abandoned. You have feelings of intense jealousy, cannot eat, sleep or work. Nothing brings relief. You are in the throes of a negative obsession. Your effectiveness has totally diminished...

You can get rid of obsessions by admonishing yourself to stop each time your mind veers into that deeply trodden track. Immediately transfer your thoughts to a pleasant scene that does not involve the person you are obsessing about. Repeat every time this happens. Have different scenes to think about and dream up new ones.

Another method is to bring the person you put on a pedestal back to earth; imagine them in foolish positions, fat, dressed inappropriately, drunk, on the toilet, and making a fool of themselves. See them fall flat on their faces, or saying stupid things, any way to bring them back to humanity.

Your mistakes are not you – everybody makes them. If you do not belittle yourself, you will not have a lack of self-confidence. You can always evaluate yourself and decide to improve certain aspects of yourself. Do not hate or judge yourself, simply improve in areas you enjoy doing things and are interested in. Everyone makes mistakes.

Your partner cheated on you. You feel dispirited, humiliated, unsure of yourself and depressed. These feelings are natural but mostly warped thinking. If your partner was the one who was disloyal, immoral and devious, why should you feel inferior or worthless? Why are you crucifying yourself over what your partner did? Your value as a person cannot be judged by being discarded by someone. Is it not your partner's standards that have deteriorated?

What you should do is find out why your partner did what he or she did. If the move was made because of frustration within the marriage, you should find out what made your partner so unhappy, and ask; can it, with effort, be fixed.

Another reason for an extra marital affair is boredom with the marriage. Ask whether it can, with effort, be fixed. At this point, if you are still interested in saving the marriage, it could be very good therapy to put the effort in. It is a good alternative to continuous rumination about the negative, becoming spiteful, and remaining angry and prolonging the pain.

Above all, don't take things personally. There is a lot more involved than only you. One of the first symptoms the paranoid person shows is jealousy. It stems from your being scared, dependent, and thinking little of yourself.

Dealing with someone's jealousies

It is difficult to treat jealous people as they: a) Do not take responsibility for their sickness – others are the ones who have to change their behavior, b) They are so scared and angry that one cannot reason with them, and c) They feel that they are totally correct.

First, never patiently answer the endless interrogatory questions posed by the jealous person. You will only encourage more questions and they will never be satisfied. Answer one or two and then stop. By not answering you will worsen the suspicions, but don't take notice, the questions are not worthy of an answer. Don't continue to defend yourself. It may be difficult at first, but by persevering you may discourage the questioning to the extent that it will stop in a few weeks' time.

Also, encourage your partner to get help – every time he or she starts with the mistrust. Tell them to see a therapist, read a book. Bring it home to them that it is they who have a problem. Let them know they are hurting themselves. Ask them to see the picture in reverse; if you accused them of the same behavior, would it be justified? Tell them to examine the emotional responses they have to their thoughts. Ask them if the only question they would believe is yes, why they bother to ask.

If they did not encourage negative thoughts about your doings and if they did not embrace the negative thoughts about you, they would not get upset. Tell them their imagined mistrust which brings them pain is their problem and they should not take it out on you. They should do something about it. After all, when you get appendicitis you go to a doctor. They should go and see a therapist. Everyone knows jealousy stems from an inferiority complex.

Your jealous partner will not like these remarks, as it puts the responsibility to change in their ball park. Be patient, jealousy problems are usually deep seated and complicated. But do not change your strategy – if you do, you will most probably exacerbate the problem. Do not allow a jealous person to rule your life and destroy it.

If you feel you are in danger from a jealous person, save up, keep a credit card handy and leave the house. The situation will most probably become worse at that point, but it may bring the jealous person to the realization that they may lose you if they do not change.

Jealous people are not afraid of upsetting other people's lives. They will upset children, cause bodily harm and blame you for being selfish, unfair, cruel and unfeeling and mad since you do not listen to them. If you are attacked by a jealous person, contact the police and have him/her arrested. It may invoke further attack, so try to safeguard yourself and if there is an attempt, have them arrested again. This may either save or destroy the marriage.

A further step that can be taken is separation. But, if you separate, a week or two will not do the trick. Another week or two and you will be in exactly the same position. The separation needs to continue for at least a few months.

Sometimes it pacifies a jealous partner if you concede to do what they ask every now and then. Perhaps you can stay home for once and have some peace. Your partner may feel reassured and be more reasonable for a while. You do not always have to be at war. A few concessions, even if it brings you below the reasonable happiness level, can save the day.

Weakness exacerbates the problem

Simply never feel sorry for a jealous person, as you will only lose whatever headway you have made and have to start all over. You are also, by comforting them, causing your own discomfort. Here are some of the things jealous people will tell you: It's your fault; they will kill themselves; they will never do it again; promise to never hurt you again; they deserve another chance; remind you about how you are hurting the children.

Partners need strength

Weak partners cannot withstand these assertions and call their good heartedness love, when it is actually cowardliness. They are usually afraid of bodily harm, afraid of financial loss, of hurting the other person's feelings. They are also afraid of being discarded and they are afraid of making a wrong choice.

If you are afraid of bodily harm, it will happen if you stay anyway. You may be afraid of having the custody of the children taken away, or of being left without a penny, and may be threatened with some or all of these events. It is not in the hands of the spouse that threatens who gets what. You can get an attorney or councilor. Either can be obtained with state's assistance or through some arrangement if finances are a problem.

If either spouse wants a divorce why not give it to them? At some point you will have had enough if there is no interest from your partner. Why not try – it is a better way of getting to a clear answer than just doing nothing.

Do not take responsibility for tantrums, crying or depression. Even if you supplied the frustration of their desires and needs, you did not induce the consequences thereof. They did that by themselves. It has to do with their outlook on life. They have to deal with the way they experience things; with their fears, anger and depression. It is the way they interpret and react on their frustrations. You are not responsible for them.

The jealous person's suffering

The truth is - whether it is difficult to hear or not - that things are painful because you allow them to be painful. You are scared because of what you tell yourself. In order to become healthy you have to deal with your problems, not expect others to bail you out. If you accept yourself and can be your own best friend, you do not need someone else to bolster you up. Accept your faults that you cannot change and change those you can, there is no need to reject yourself if someone else does not like you. Instead open your eyes to other opportunities. You have had emotional ties, relationships and friends before. You will have them again. If you realize that you need not reject yourself and continue with a new life, you will not only lose your fears, you will have done positive things with your life.

People usually don't change unless they have been put under pressure to do so.

If you still wonder whether you should stay together, you should ask yourself whether your partner understands what your deepest needs and desires are, whether he can fulfill your deepest needs and desires, and whether he/she is prepared to fulfill them.

A jealous person will understand what you are going through if you give them exactly the same treatment that they put you through.

### Chapter 16

### Cognitive restructuring to cure bad habits

The psychologist Allport observed that deep psychology is often too deep, and ironically expressed a deep insight with that sentiment. What caused a process to begin is not necessarily what keeps it going. For instance, fear of dogs due to an attack as a child does not explain why you are still fearful today. Avoidance of dogs maintains the fear, because you have difficulty in relearning from reality. Another example is that you probably do not smoke for the same reasons now as when you started. Cognitive restructuring is about relearning and regaining balance in your life.

Childhood is not determinative

Childhood is important only because it is informative, not because it is determinative or decisive. The temptation is to assume that your problems arise from your past, in other words, you say to yourself: 'It is not my fault'.

Somehow the majority of children, despite vastly different upbringings, circumstances and customs, grow up normal and happy and functioning within the context of their cultures. They talk at two, help with household chores at seven and glide into adulthood without much commotion. And did all the monsters out there have bad childhoods? The human architecture is constructed over time in a continuous process where many forces interact.

Cognitive restructuring therapy does not offer a magical formula with instant results. There is no purifying insight, only small awakenings to your reality. True healing occurs afterwards, after the insight, after one has been taught the principles of accurate thinking.

Your thoughts are not facts, they are interpretations, hypotheses. What people say is also not fact. Their words are colored by emotions, opinions or intent. What people hear is not fact. The person you are listening to may be rambling, or angry, or you didn't hear right. Perhaps you heard different, but you want to forget that. Or they may be repeating what they overheard, incorrectly or with embroidery, or bias.

Thoughts you settle on will determine how you will feel and what you will do. That is why it is better to shop around before buying into a thought. The first thought that comes into your mind is not necessarily the best. Your brain is like a shop for thoughts. Every time you feel anxious or depressed, the feeling stems from a thought you have bought. You need to monitor your thoughts and your interpretation of events.

The choices you make should not be between easy and hard, but between results; which brings wisdom, compassion, mercy, contentment.

If your daughter rants at you that she hates you, you can fixate on that or you can remind yourself of all the loving moments you've had with her. If you fixate on the negative, it could be because you hate yourself (which may be because you feel upset and say to yourself you are worthless, bad, stupid, and/or you want to punish yourself). You were not born saying that, you learnt it somewhere in your past. If you come from parents or other adults who were horrible to you and did bad things, it does not mean you are bad. If they said you were bad, it does not mean you were. As an adult you know this. As a child you did not have choices, or power, or perspective.

Your thinking habits are like posture habits. Incorrect thinking habits bring mental pain and need to be changed. Accurate thinking can be developed through daily practice. Problems are resolved by confronting them, not by avoiding them. Avoidance strengthens a problem and weakens you.

If your parents have failed you it concerns them and their deeds, not you and your deeds. You are the one who has survived and you are a fully human being, not half human or subhuman. There is good within all of us. See the strength and goodness inside you; liken it to a glowing ember. Blow in and strengthen it. There is always an eternal flame inside you that you can come back to and replenish your strength. Repeating the following words often every day strengthens you: Every day in every way I am becoming stronger and stronger – aim to make it so, which will reinforce the belief.

If a child gets a slap every time he speaks up, he will learn to keep quiet and think his opinion is not important and even dangerous. But in time and at a different place, say at college, speaking up will show his interest and the realization that his opinions matter.

You cannot undo the knowledge of what you know. Knowledge is both enriching and dangerous, like a double edged sword. Learning will redefine your world irreversibly. If you find your partner in bed with your friend, you cannot undo this knowledge. Your reality has changed. But, you have choices. You can leave him or her, forgive him or her, or you can join them. That is why there are times when you may not wish to know everything and where it may be better for you not to know everything.

Awareness is knowledge of knowledge. The springbuck does not think of itself as bad, or wonder what it will do with its life. It does not have language and sophisticated thinking, which requires language. We, as human beings on the other hand, must navigate the realm of self-awareness, which is not easy. Unlike the springbuck, we think about the lion when it is not there. We think about it, talk about it and make connections and associations, until the word makes us just as scared as the real thing. Ghosts haunt us and we get no rest.

Psychologists teach the client to separate the word from the meanings allocated to it. He neutralizes it. The word anxiety is but a label: This is not an anxious person, but a person who says he is anxious, or a person who is aware of his anxiety. The word anxious is a summary of a situation with many facets and nuances.

Awareness of something necessarily means that you stand outside that object. If you say you are sad, you need to clarify; a part of you is sad. You also partially exist outside of the sadness and are aware of it. The aware part of you knows about the sadness, can dialogue with it and manipulate it. Such awareness allows us to look backward in time and forward in time, which enables us to keep a proper perspective.

When I am depressed, my awareness allows me to see the boundaries of my depression, which are not visible from the inside. Therefore I can see the end of my depression, therefore I have hope; 'This too shall pass.'

At the same time, the springbuck's ability to live in the present, to go with the flow of being, has not been completely rooted out of us. When you are on a quiet beach you are with the universe and the living moment. These moments, and the telling of them, are the tools of navigating the internal space.

Your choice

A few days ago my friend visited and the first thing she told me was that her son had been mugged. I was worried about him having been hurt, but she said luckily he'd only been slapped around a bit and he'd apparently told his attackers that he had no money in the bank, so could they please give his bank card and student card back – which they did.

'You must be so upset,' I said, thinking about my son who'd been mugged walking down the street in broad daylight... 'No-o,' she responded, 'if he wants to get into a car with suspect strangers what can he expect but trouble.'

She was angry with him for putting himself in danger and perhaps, I thought, the shock of getting no sympathy will make him think twice next time. Although he was certainly not to blame for their reprehensible actions, he was still responsible for his own, and could be held accountable for that. We are responsible; for our mistakes as well as our achievements, or for our presence of mind (like asking for our bank card back).

Think about this expression: 'When you choose the behavior you choose the consequence'.

Whatever you do in life, you are responsible and accountable for as a human being, which is not the same as being to blame. It is only from taking responsibility for your thoughts, behaviors and actions that you can improve your life. If you deny responsibility for your own life, you cannot improve it.

If you were violated in some way as a child, is it your fault? No, of course not, but as an adult, you are wholly accountable for the way you manage and live with the memory.

It is important to realize the effect bad choices can have on a life, because of the devastation they can cause in the blink of an eye. You can lose your savings, your spouse, your job, your liberty, all in a moment; for a few minutes of not thinking things through and making the right choice.

Just yesterday, my son's friend told us that his brother, who'd had a well-paid job as a yachtsman, had been deported for smuggling marihuana onto the yacht in one of his socks. It could have been worse, I thought, but what a bad choice for a young life to make. He'd been very proud of the good earnings he'd made, and had enjoyed his adventure.

Another kind of insidious accountability is the kind where bad thoughts, bad habits and bad choices slowly eat away at your life. It is the type of accountability where you would rather sit another day than take action to make your dreams become reality, where everything is never quite in line, or quite perfect enough to make your move, where at some stage you wonder: Where did my life go, what have I done with my life, and why am I in such a rut?

The results of your thoughts are your life experience, the results of your behavior are your life experience and the results of your actions are your life experience. (Dr. Phil McGraw}

We have all heard that long term stress can cause physical illness. It is literally true. Continuous negative thinking surfaces in your body as illness. When you think bad thoughts, the cells in your body go into protective mode, you become anxious, scared, depressed, and cell regeneration is halted in order to prime your muscles for fight or flight. That is where your energy goes and that is why you feel tired. You do mentally and behaviorally program yourself to go through life in a certain way.

Consider what happens when you are angry and bitter, the consequential results are alienation, isolation and hostility. If you choose self-demeaning and self-depreciating thoughts, you will have low self-confidence and low self-esteem. Why do it – because it is easier than brushing your teeth, combing your hair and holding your head up?

Change is not easy

It is never as easy as we think when we make a conscious effort to change. We are inherently averse to change, we are afraid of it, it is work, and we don't trust what we are not familiar with. If you look at yourself and know there is something about yourself you can improve, you will have to make a conscious decision with a plan and stick to it.

Fear of change can paralyze us, or we can be in such a rut that we are overcome with inertia. If that is the case it is always a good thing to write down what you want to change, and then to break down each entry into smaller segments of what to do to effect that particular change, and even further until you find something you can do – and then do that and tick it off and move to the next item. Then repeat every day to get your practice in until you have succeeded in what you set out to do. And then you will have dignity and power... smart move

Small concessions are what we have to work with in the final analysis. The measure of one's life emerges from our habits and routines, from our everyday.

Emotional rewards

We like to feel good, and to feel good should contribute to our happiness, but we have a way of sabotaging ourselves – trading feeling good temporarily for long term happiness.

Gavin is angry at his mother for punishing him because he comes home after dark. She's warned him time and again that she would punish him if he did it again, but he stays out late anyway. It's fun being out late with friends. It's only afterwards when he gets into trouble that things turn sour. But he keeps on doing it impulsively, because of the feeling of excitement he gets when he's out there being naughty.

Gordon is getting chubbier and chubbier, but he just can't say no to sweet things. Sometimes he eats till he feels sick. He can't understand why he just can't say no.

Emma doesn't really like smoking, but when she is with her friends, she can go through a whole pack. Why she can't just cut down is beyond her.

Mike keeps on being mean to his little brother. He doesn't really know why...

When we continue with undesirable behaviors despite the fact that we would like to stop, it is usually because the behavior has a measure of instant gratification attached to it. With Gavin the pull of the twilight with his friends puts the coming punishment out of his mind; Gordon always wants that sweet taste, until the sick feeling becomes predominant. Emma needs to be one of the girls and the action of taking out another cigarette keeps her hands busy and her nerves at bay, while Mike satisfies his jealous urges by being mean. Whatever the reason, there is always a reason why we do the things we do. There is always a reward in it for us. Sometimes the reward is not worth it in the long run, but when we need it, it comes to hand. The behavior we indulge in has become a bad habit of gratifying ourselves the moment we conceive of the desire.

There are worse ways in which we sabotage ourselves. When we need attention so badly that we become anorexic or bulimic we have a long road ahead of us if we cannot admit that the payoff we get leaves us with an unsatisfactory end result.

We can go through a life manipulating a partner into doing what we want, at their expense, and end up with a divorce or unhappy relationship. It is obviously better to think things through and do what is right, but it is easier said than done. The process of analyzing what is unbalanced in the relationship, the fact that two people have to work at it is difficult, but in the end you may have saved yourselves years of trouble. In fact, every good cause you set into motion now is practice towards living a successful life.

The point is we often persist with negative behavior because we cannot see beyond the immediate reward, or worse, we do not recognize the hidden, toxic reward. A woman who is continually beaten up by her husband and yet remains with him, may have unresolved guilt feelings, which are satisfied when she is beaten. Or she may feel guilty about having to go out to work if she left and not wanting to. It can be overwhelming and fear invoking to find work you can tolerate when you've been out of the job market for a long time.

When one acknowledges and confronts the ghosts in your cupboard, they disappear in the air like mist when the sun comes out. When you are addicted to the security of avoiding contact with the outside world, because of fear of the pain that intimacy or failure might bring, you are cutting yourself off from the chance of a rich and fulfilled life.

The longer you wait, the deeper entrenched you become, without realizing that you demons are made out of paper. You can do anything if you follow a plan, and have a safety net, and keep your eye on your star.

You can only change what you acknowledge is wrong

If you do not acknowledge self-destructive behaviors, they will continue, become entrenched and grow. You will also become more resistant to change. By denying the existence of a problem, you may succeed in avoiding pain temporarily, but you will not be able to effect the change you desire.

When planning the life that you want, you have to be totally honest with yourself about where you stand at the moment; what needs to be sorted out in your emotional life, your behaviors, lifestyle and habits. Question and challenge the patterns that your life follows and the beliefs that you hold. Be totally honest with yourself or you will be hampered in going forward.

Do not hide from the warning signs of things going wrong in your life – the earlier a disease of any kind is treated the more easily it is cured. Address the problem, see it through and go forward.

Perceptual defense

Perceptual defense is something that upsets us, so we don't see it, like someone who suffered a trauma but cannot remember the details. It is like having a blind spot; perhaps plying your young children with sweets every day to keep them quiet, and when the dentist tells you that all your children's teeth are rotten, you say that you cannot help it, you love them too much to deny them anything.

If you are scared, admit it, it's the only way to start tackling the problem. If you are lazy say that to yourself instead of making excuses. If your relationships are non-existent, put it in your list to change, decide how and go about it. Remember, you do create your own experiences by what you decide to do. Defining your problems is half the battle won. And do not make excuses, own your situations: If you are fat, you're fat, if you're addicted, an addict, if you're too jealous, the only way to become less so is to admit it first. If you are afraid of people, acknowledge it. Acknowledge the personal characteristics that are keeping you from success.

You can give yourself permission not to be perfect. You are not a bad person if you have become bitter or filled with resentment, fear or hurt. Your life experiences may have left you feeling alienated, questioning your self-worth or simply feeling vulnerable. These are meaningful aspects of who you are at the moment and how you interact with others. To see that is to be able to address it. It is a way of assessing what is happening in your life and setting in motion how to better it.

Treat the world well

Have you ever passed a shop window and sneaked a peak at yourself when you knew you looked good? Remember that feeling and repeat the process. We develop ways of dealing with our lives and other people as we go on – and the world will respond in a like manner.

Even if you think you have been getting the short end of the stick and you are the one responding to bad treatment, the manner you deal with the world will come back to you. People get very tired of hang-dog victims who always tend to need propping up and still blame others for their misfortunes. You won't be trusted if you blurt out other peoples' confidences, or if you always manipulate or try to control others. If you always run away, people will want to chase you as you will be perceived as an easy target. If you always know better, people will not want to share their ideas with you, and if you are a drama queen, people will end up not taking you seriously. The bottom line is what goes round comes round, so it will serve you best to treat the world well. That will work like ripples in a pond and when it hits a bank, come back to you.

The bad news is that everything you do has an effect, even your thoughts have an effect, and the person it affects most is you.

Getting therapy

The goal of therapy is to provide you with the tools to nurture and maintain psychological health. It is there to help you practice the correct use of the tools, acceptance of emotions, rational examination of thoughts, to consciously confront erroneous patterns of response and embrace the flow of correct, healthy patterns.

Still, however fluent and aware and accepting the therapist is, however illuminating and healing the therapeutic experience, it won't suffice to move you, the client. The lessons learnt in session must be translated into everyday practice.

You, the client should

Breathe, relax your muscles, and let your thoughts float by like autumn clouds. Don't say I feel such and such; say a part of me feels such and such; because there is always the other part, the quiet eye in the storm. Don't get carried away, take time. Have perspective.

An admirer of the writer Robert Walser found him in a mental hospital and asked why he didn't write and he said: 'I'm not here to write, I'm here to be mad.' (The inner voice)

The crises you are experiencing is not a crises, it's a gift. Whatever happens, whatever you decide to do is a separate issue, but this moment of self-reflection is important in and of itself. It is a gift you gave yourself. And you do not have to carry your burden alone.

Correct breathing, one hand on the diaphragm, one on the chest, step by step, inch gingerly back from the edge of the cliff. If you think you failed, what of it? A person is bound to falter here and there. We all do and it is part of being human.

Information exchange between you and the therapist

You don't need to deny, suppress, or feel ashamed of your emotions in front of a therapist. There you can study, and figure them out as you proceed. You get information from them, like you get information from your life experience, and from your values and goals and future ambitions.

When you decide to protect your baby against a vicious dog despite your fear, it does not negate your feelings and does not diminish your humanity; on the contrary, your humanity is affirmed. In therapy many emotions come up. You will have to contain them, understand and accept them without acting on them.

Go over the story of your past trauma repetitively, and remember it is in the past, and that the memories are only words. You are an anxiety hunter. Don't let the words about happenings that are gone scare you. Do not let the past control your life now.

If you tell yourself not to think about something painful, you will think about it. It is like telling yourself not to think about flying pigs. The effort to avoid is exhausting, and unsuccessful and injurious, because in time you will have to try to avoid not only those words, but everything that reminds you of them. You will be locking your thoughts in prisons of avoidance. Avoidance and escape are not the solutions, they are the problems. Rather move towards the memory; accept it and realize that it is only words; noise. Write them down and go over them 3 times a day until they lose their meaning and you will get stronger.

Do not fear real human encounters

In a therapy room you have a human encounter, not a theoretical debate. We cannot know everything. Waiting for perfect understanding and clarity before diving into therapeutic waters is like waiting for the perfect woman before getting married. Both represent fear of a real human encounter.

We do not know our fate and destiny. In every situation the therapist must seek to catch the wind of the therapeutic encounter and exploit its momentum. The therapist allows a protected space for your explorations, to listen, seek to understand, share their knowledge of the inner structure, and to train you in the proper use of psychological tools.

The therapist understands that the client may become abusive, and will not feel insulted. You can explore how the sentiments emerged, how they can help to understand yourself better, and how you can leverage them as part of the process of helping yourself to heal.

Clients usually start with their explanation or excuse, not their story, (because their story is painful, territories of failure and disaster) even though their very presence in the therapist's office is evidence that their alibi has been ineffective. The purpose of the alibi is to deny, distract and conceal, making it more bearable for the client. It also allows her to test the therapist; whether you'll buy it, in which case you are useless, and whether, if you refuse to buy it, you'll resent the client for offering it, in which case you're dangerous.

Distorting and hiding are essential life skills. Therapy is a journey from lie to truth, from darkness to light. The lie is grease in the spokes of social existence. We go through vacuous maneuvers in order to keep social peace. Think of the way we greet each other; we respond with a 'fine thanks' to every enquiry into our state of being.'

A human being needs courage and intelligence to see the whole picture. What you see is not failure, only understandable reactions to your life experience. Do not reject the part of you that is scared, or wounded, or filled with doubt. Embrace it and soothe it, it is part of your humanness. It need not paralyze you. You do not have to be stuck on the past or be preoccupied with it. Understand it, know it and move on, it is words.

Framework

You tell the therapist your content and together you unravel it. The way you define your problem will determine the direction of your efforts and hence the course of your life. You must seek a useful and compassionate frame.

A husband and wife may see a councilor together, and each will tell their story from their own perspective. Pharmaceutical companies argue a 70% success rate; Ante pharmaceutical companies argue a 30% failure rate. Our view or frame (context) biases our observation, consciously or subconsciously.

The therapist restores the client's narrative, his identity: 'You are heard, you are a person.

The secret of therapy is acceptance that does not demand anything, warts and all. Acceptance allows the client rest, allows him time and space in which to sense himself fully, sober up, look inward and around him, organize his inner being, tune himself as such. Without understanding, there can be no acceptance. The treatment is a journey.

### Chapter 17

### Coping with chronic mental issues

Mental challenges that stem from physiologically defective areas in the brain that have no set cures as yet, need acceptance of the current situation, patience and relaxed effort, or the care giver will exhaust themselves and the patient will not benefit. When you need to be calm, meditation can help.

Morality and personality disorders

It turns out that moral judgment has little to do with logic and legality. Our sense of morality comes from our emotional brain and we recognize whether something is moral or immoral instantly, just like our aesthetic judgment. You may reason after the fact why something is wrong, but at the time you feel that it is wrong.

We rely on our dopamine sensors for feelings of pleasure and pain, but being sensitive to the plight of strangers is a relatively new brain development found in the most social primates like humans.

It was found that less than 20% of soldiers in World War 2 fired directly at the enemy. People become incapacitated by their emotions and sense of what is right. Afterwards training programs were changed to make soldiers kill reflexively and to desensitize them by continued practice with anatomically correct targets. Emphasis was also placed on long range artillery and high altitude bombing in order to obscure the personal cost of war. Modern day soldiers have been turned into killing machines.

Peoples' sense of fairness is also affected by facing someone directly or making it more impersonal. People who can rationally work out that they can save 5 people by directly killing one, will not do it, but if they only have to flip a switch, they will. It removes responsibility one step further away.

Researchers have experimented by pairing people. One person gets and amount and has to offer the other some of it. If their offer is rejected, no-one gets anything. Their sense of fairness almost always makes them offer half and they are accepted. And every time the offer wasn't fair, the other participant would rather angrily reject the offer and go without rather than take less. The same results were found all over the world. Our imaginations let us imagine what the other person will feel like and anticipate rejection if an offer is not fair.

People who show more brain activity in their sympathetic regions are more likely to exhibit altruistic behavior. If you can imagine what other people feel like, you want to make them feel better. The secret behind altruism is that the brain is designed to make it feel good.

Psychopathic tendencies

Basic morality consists of our choices in how we treat other people. When you treat others fairly, help strangers in need and recoil from violence, you are acting in a moral manner. Psychopaths reason quite logically, but have damaged emotional brains. They do not get nervous (so they can fool lie detectors), feel sadness, joy, regret. Their lack of emotion causes dangerous behavior. The problem seems to lie mostly with the amygdala which propagates emotions such as fear and anxiety. To a psychopath hurting someone is a reasonable way of getting what they want.

Where morality is concerned psychopaths make very poor moral choices. They are prone to violence, especially when they use it to achieve a goal, like satisfying a sexual desire.

Coping with personality disorders

Personality disorders differ from person to person, making it difficult to treat. Borderline disorders may show symptoms of any of the diseases mentioned before. They can manifest in having suspicions of others and living a secluded fantasy filled life, being anti-social, narcissistic, to being avoidant, dependent or obsessive compulsive. People who suffer from histrionic personality disorder have difficulty when they are not always the center of attention.

Generally borderline personality problem people find it difficult to work effectively with, or maintain relationships with others. As a result, many may feel hurt, distressed, alienated and alone. Personality disorders affect how a person thinks and behave, making it hard for them to live a normal life.

Dialectic therapy works towards helping people increase their emotional and cognitive regulation by learning about the triggers that lead to reactive states and helping to assess which coping skills to apply in the thoughts, feelings and behaviors, or sequence of events.

Patience and calm acceptance is required when living with someone with a personality disorder. Care should be taken to maintain other interests not involving the sufferer.

Autism

We have a small cluster of brain cells called mirror neurons. Whenever you see someone smile, your mirror neurons will light up and reflect the expressions of that person by feeling what they feel. They also mirror someone crying, scowling or grimacing. These cells are compromised in autistic people. Unlike the normal brain, the autistic brain shows no activity in the mirror-neuron area – expressions are not correlated to emotional states. There is also an area in the brain, the fusiform face area that helps with the recognition of other people. In contrast, when you look at a thing, say in a room, the brain relies on the inferior temporal gyrus. The fusiform face area is not turned on in people with autism. People with autism cannot interpret or internalize the emotions of other people.

With autism you lose the ability to mind-read – a chair becomes just as important as a face.

Coping with autism

With the right treatment plan, and a lot of love and support, an autistic child can learn, grow, and thrive. Early intervention is the most effective way to speed up development and reduce the symptoms of autism. The more you know about autism spectrum disorders, the better equipped you'll be to make informed decisions for your child. You need to ask questions, and participate in treatment decisions.

Figure out what triggers disruptive behaviors and what elicits a positive response. What does your child find stressful, calming, enjoyable or uncomfortable? If you understand what affects the person with autism, you'll be better at trouble- shooting problems and preventing situations that cause difficulties.

Practice acceptance and enjoy your child's quirks, celebrate small successes, and stop comparing your child to others. Don't give up and don't jump to conclusions about what life is going to be like for an autistic person. Like everyone else, people with autism have a lifetime to grow and develop their abilities.

Creating consistency in your child's environment is the best way to reinforce learning. Children with autism tend to do best when they have a highly-structured schedule or routine. Have regular times for meals, therapy, school, and bedtime. Find out what the therapists are doing and continue their techniques at home. Try to keep disruptions to this routine to a minimum. If there is an unavoidable schedule change, prepare your child for it in advance.

Reward good behavior with praise when they act appropriately or learn a new skill, and look for ways to reward them for good behavior, such as letting them play with a favorite toy or giving them a gold star. Give them a private area where they can feel secure. Use visual cues such as colored tape for areas that are off limits, and label items in the house with pictures. You may also need to safety proof the house, particularly if your child is prone to tantrums or other self-injurious behaviors.

Autistic people do communicate with you, even if he or she never speaks. You just need to learn the language. If you are observant and aware, you can learn to pick up on the nonverbal cues that children with autism use to communicate. Pay attention to the kinds of sounds they make, their facial expressions, and the gestures they use when they're tired, hungry, or want something. It's only natural to feel upset when you are misunderstood or ignored, and it's no different for children with autism. Figure out the need behind the tantrum.

Make time for fun. Schedule playtime when your child is most alert and awake. Figure out ways to have fun together by thinking about the things that make your child smile, laugh, and come out of their shell. Figure out what sights, sounds, smells, movements, and tactile sensations trigger disruptive behaviors and what elicits a positive response.

Don't try to do everything on your own. You don't have to. There are places that families of autistic children can turn to for advice, a helping hand, advocacy, and support.

Parkinson's disease

Parkinson's disease (PD) is a motor system disorder, which is the result of the loss of dopamine-producing brain cells. The four primary symptoms of PD are tremor, or trembling in hands, arms, legs, jaw, and face; rigidity, or stiffness of the limbs and trunk; Bradykinesia or slowness of movement, and postural instability, or impaired balance and coordination.

PD is chronic, meaning it persists over a long period of time, and its symptoms do grow worse over time. Although some people become severely disabled, others experience only minor motor disruptions. Tremor is the major symptom for some patients, while for others tremor is only a minor complaint and other symptoms are more troublesome. No one can predict which symptoms will affect an individual patient, and the intensity of the symptoms also varies from person to person.

PD usually affects people over the age of 50. Early symptoms occur gradually and are subtle. In some people the disease progresses more quickly than in others. Shaking, or tremor, which affects the majority of PD patients, may begin to interfere with daily activities. As these symptoms become more pronounced, patients may have difficulty walking, talking, or completing other tasks.

Sometimes there is depression and other emotional changes; skin problems, or sleep disruptions. There may be difficulty in chewing, swallowing, and speaking; urinary problems or constipation.

Doctors may request brain scans or laboratory tests in order to rule out other diseases, as the disease can be difficult to diagnose accurately.

Coping with Parkinson's disease

A variety of medications can provide dramatic relief from the symptoms. Usually, patients are given levodopa combined with carbidopa. Carbidopa delays the conversion of levodopa into dopamine until it reaches the brain. Nerve cells can use levodopa to make dopamine and replenish the brain's dwindling supply.

Unfortunately, not all symptoms respond equally to the drugs, and there are side effects. Other drugs, such as bromocriptine, pramipexole, and ropinirole, mimic the role of dopamine in the brain, causing the neurons to react as they would to dopamine. An antiviral drug, amantadine, also appears to reduce symptoms. Rasagiline can be used along with levodopa for patients with advanced PD or as a single-drug treatment for early PD. In some cases, surgery may be appropriate if the disease doesn't respond to drugs.

A therapy called deep brain stimulation (DBS) is now available. In DBS, electrodes are implanted into the brain and connected to a small electrical device called a pulse generator that can be externally programmed. DBS requires careful programming of the stimulator device in order to work correctly, but it can reduce the need for levodopa and related drugs, which in turn decreases the involuntary movements called dyskinesia that are a common side effect of levodopa. It also helps to alleviate fluctuations of symptoms and to reduce tremors, slowness of movements, and gait problems.

Alzheimer's disease

The most common early symptom of Alzheimer's is difficulty remembering newly learned information. As Alzheimer's advances through the brain it leads to increasingly severe symptoms, including disorientation, mood and behavior changes; deepening confusion about events, time and place; unfounded suspicions about family, friends and professional caregivers. More serious memory loss and behavior changes and difficulty speaking, swallowing and walking develops gradually.

People with memory loss or other possible signs of Alzheimer's may find it hard to recognize they have a problem. Signs of dementia may be more obvious to family members or friends. Anyone experiencing dementia-like symptoms should see a doctor as soon as possible

Coping with Alzheimer's disease

Make lists for tasks that are becoming challenging. Ask yourself if the tasks are necessary, and work out what works best for you. Develop coping strategies with tasks that are becoming challenging. Reduce stress by asking family or friends for help, if needed.

Set realistic expectations for yourself and use the skills you have to be successful in dealing with challenging tasks. Some tasks may become too difficult for you to complete even with reminder aids. Make a daily plan to keep track of the few tasks you want to accomplish each day.

Having a schedule can reduce the time you spend figuring out what needs to be done and when, and makes you more successful in accomplishing your goals and limiting mistakes.

Give yourself enough time to complete a task. Don't pressure yourself to succeed. If something becomes too difficult, take a break and try again later. Spending time to change something you cannot control can be a waste of energy and can prevent you from focusing your attention on what you can control.

Recognize the triggers that cause you anxiety, worry or stress. If others are hurrying you, explain what you are trying to accomplish and ask that they provide you the time needed to be successful. Knowing what causes stress allows you to make plans in advance or decisions about the type of activities/tasks you choose to partake in.

Family, friends, prayer, your inner strength, pets — all these sources can get you through hard times, even as you face daily challenges or setbacks.

Schizophrenia

When dopamine neurons work properly they are a source of wisdom, but when they are impaired, for instance when there are too many dopamine receptors, the system becomes deregulated and patterns cannot be detected. False patterns evolve instead, as in cases of schizophrenia where they become paranoid or have unpredictable changes of mood, or have delusions of grandeur. The person either thinks he or she is being persecuted, or that an environmental event has personal or special meaning, or that he or she is a famous, important figure, or that their thoughts and actions are being controlled by outside, alien forces. The five symptoms are delusions, hallucinations, disorganized speech, disorganized behavior, and the 'negative' symptoms, like lack of interest or enthusiasm, apathy and social withdrawal.

Early warning signs can result from a number of problems, not only schizophrenia. The outlook is best when schizophrenia is diagnosed and treated right away.

Schizophrenia usually develops during the late teenage years, but it can also manifest later, especially in women. It is influenced by genetics, but not determined by it. Early warning signs are often that they seem eccentric, unmotivated, emotionless, and reclusive. There is also deterioration in personal hygiene.

Coping with schizophrenia

People suffering from schizophrenia do not have to be hospitalized for life. Medication has improved to the point where, if it is taken regularly, the person can be fully functional and even go back to work. Side effects to medicine should be watched out for as depression or muscular ticks or mouth movements can manifest with time. Medication can be changed and is continually being improved upon. Treatment options for schizophrenia are good.

If someone close to you develops schizophrenia, accept the illness and be realistic in your expectations – also maintain a sense of humor. Educate yourself and empower your loved one. You do not have to do everything for them. Encourage independence. If they feel respected and acknowledged, their self-confidence will grow which will aid recovery.

If they are reluctant to see a doctor, focus on a symptom such as sleeplessness to encourage them. If they become suspicious of you, get someone else to help or take them to a doctor. Support treatment and regular medication as it helps bring behavior back to normal, but take note of any side-effects that surface and convey it to the doctor. Also beware of combining medication with supplements and over the counter drugs, as some combinations can be dangerous. And inform the doctor if there are substance abuse issues.

As schizophrenia is stress related, keep stress to a minimum. Also, track changes in mood and behavior. Stopping medication is the most frequent cause of relapse in schizophrenia. Common warning signs of relapse are insomnia, deterioration of personal hygiene, social withdrawal, and hostility, increasing paranoia, hallucinations, strange disappearances and nonsensical speech.

Acute episodes can still appear even if the person is on medication, so plan ahead for emergencies by having contact numbers available. In the event of a relapse, remember that you cannot reason with acute psychosis. Simply decrease noisy distractions and ask others to leave. Sit down and ask the person to also sit. Avoid continuous eye contact, and do not touch the person. The person may be afraid of their own feelings and loss of control, so do not express irritation, anger or sarcasm, or shout.

A person with schizophrenia can live at home if there is a good support system and interaction with family members is relaxed, and if there are friends and activities outside the home. It is not advisable if it causes marriage stress, or the person is too ill to lead a normal life. It is also not advisable if the person uses drugs or alcohol and resists taking medication. There are housing options available in such cases.

Take a look at the film 'A beautiful mind', the life story of John Nash – Nobel Prize winner. Even if it is not entirely factual, it may offer help and encouragement.

### Part 4 – Growing psychologically

Between stimulus and response there is a space, In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lie our growth and our freedom. – Viktor E. Frankl.

### Chapter 18

### Understanding people

Human beings are in contact with each other every day for various reasons; business, recreation, love and family, sport, belief, shopping. We manufacture reasons to interact, as we get lonely or feel rejected when we get by on our own for too long. We need physical contact and we need to be loved. So the best position for us to be in would be to understand people; what makes them tick and why they do what they do.

We also need to understand ourselves. If we fully understand why we get angry, suffer from depression, apathy, insecurity, or loneliness, we can minimize or eliminate the characteristics that don't make us feel good and replace them with more constructive ones that are more successful.

There are some important characteristics we share with other people. For us to understand them we need knowledge; we have to study the qualities that people have in common.

Some of the characteristics we have in common with others are that we tend to like, trust and believe those who like us. We also want to be accepted and we don't like being rejected. We do things that have something in it for us, and sometimes don't supply the right reasons for it, even to ourselves. We tend to only listen to what interests us and only if we understand it. We also want others to think well of us.

Everyone appreciates positive interest from others. We like to be appreciated, admired and made to feel special. If you want to get to know someone specific, you have to watch for the following things:

1. Which things in life matter to them – what do they value?

2. What are their beliefs about how life works?

3. What are their fears and prejudices?

4. What do they think or feel about themselves?

5. What do they really want most?

The above applies to you as well. If you know what you fear, you can address it, if you know what you want you can plan on how to get it. And by studying others, we also learn to avoid what not to do; being a know-it-all who really knows very little but insists on being right, or the loudmouth with no sensitivity about others' feelings.

If you want to deal with people advantageously, study and use the list above. Implement it with everybody you come across. For instance; the next time you are in a shop, smile and say something positive to the assistant, and watch the change in attitude and service towards you. You will improve your relationships towards others if you apply these principles.

Snap judgments

Many studies have been made of human relations. We often read people and situations instantaneously without even being aware that we have done it. Our subconscious mind has the ability to find patterns in situations and behaviors based on very narrow slices of experience. At times like these you know something immediately without really knowing how you know it. This is an ability that improves with experience; it becomes more accurate with time and attention. Speed dating is based on this type of thin slicing, making snap judgments. Speed dating also reveals that what people consciously say they want in a partner, is often not what they are attracted to subconsciously.

Sylvan Tomkins, a psychology teacher, could read emotions. He could tell who was lying, through studying faces. Paul Ekman, a psychologist, in collaboration with Wallace Friesen, followed up on the work of Tomkins and created a detailed taxonomy, called the 'Facial Action Coding System', of expressions.

This work was followed up by John Gottman. He researched thin slicing, and taught his staff to read every nuance on people's faces. This is deliberate second by second analyzing, a breakdown of rapid cognition. The series 'Lie to me" was based on this work.

He found in experiments that the most damaging expression on marriage partners' faces is when they showed contempt. He could accurately predict who would still be together in 5 years' time by just a few minutes study of their conversations.

Other human characteristics

Remember the experiment with people offering part of a given sum to someone else and they almost always proposed a fair split? The fusiform area in the brain has an impact on moral decisions. An interesting aspect of this area was discovered; it is that when the person responding to the offer is not visible to the proposer, the proposers' altruism disappears and they tend to no longer feel obliged to be fair. It has also been found that when you appeal for charity, if you focus on an individual that needs help instead of the multitude, donations virtually double.

People have innate prejudices and automatic likes and dislikes. These reactions developed with our instinctive brains. People for instance, have a tendency to look up to tall, dark and handsome men. It is called The Warren Harding error, after the American president who was coached for presidency because he looked the part, but who turned out not to fit the requirements. People are also prejudiced against blacks; they are put into subconscious 'slots,' the same with women, and how people are dressed. These subconscious links that are made have to do with what you feel safe with, or fear.

Malcolm Gladstone wrote in his book 'Blink' about the weird power of first impressions. He decided, on a whim, to let his hair grow wild, as it had been when he was a teenager. He noticed immediately, in very small but significant ways, that his life changed. He began to get speeding tickets – and he'd never gotten any before. He began to be pulled out of airport security lines for special attention. And one day, while walking along Fourteenth Street in downtown Manhattan, a police van pulled up on the sidewalk, and three officers jumped out. They were looking, they said, for a rapist, and the rapist, according to them, looked a lot like him. They pulled out the sketch and the description. Malcolm looked at it and pointed out to them as nicely as he could that, in fact, the rapist looked nothing at all like him.'

Frankly, people have tendencies towards being prejudiced and superficial - which is not an indictment: We are prejudiced against that which we do not know, in other words our primitive brains are still trying to assess a threat in the unfamiliar. We are superficial because it is our way of making quick assessments of that which we are not yet familiar with.

If you wish to make an impression, take care of how you appear to others. You will get the reaction you desire by the way you present yourself. People dress to get a reaction all the time. Be careful though; the way you wish to appear, say you wish to rebel against the establishment, will have its consequence. You may not be accepted, or liked, and you will have to find out whether it is working for you or not.

To many older people, trying to escape anonymity seems childish, exhausting and essentially anxious. You make the effort and you watch to see if you will be judged, appreciated, liked, patronized. When you think you have had your fill of trying to impress others, consider that acceptance can allow you to transcend anonymity and arrive at what lies beyond.

Human responses

John Bargh, a psychologist, experimented with priming people. He would show them pleasurable scenes on a monitor. He found that what he showed directly afterwards, would be colored by what they'd just seen before. Their reactions would be more positive, or more negative if they'd seen something negative before. For instance, if you see violence on TV, your reactions shortly afterwards in the real world are more violent.

More experiments in the same vein were done by others. It is now proven that people's reactions to stimuli after seeing the same on television, are influenced by what they saw.

Market research

Something else that is interesting is that market research is often faulty when testing of products is targeted to the man in the street, not the experts that specialize in the field. This causes better quality products to be passed over for superficial attractions. In the food industry for instance, the layman can become confused when asked to analyze subtle flavors. When wine is tested, if there are price tags on the bottles, people often choose differently from when there are no tags. People expect pricier items to have more quality, which is often not the case, or not what they prefer.

In the music industry, choices are often made for their catchy phrasing or tunes, from the votes of the masses, while quality work with more depth is being passed over.

Prejudice extends even to musicians. Experiments have been made with listening to a classical musician play. Seeing the musician also and realizing it is a woman, can prejudice some men into not choosing her for their orchestra as they may think her work cannot be powerful enough. When they only hear the music without seeing the musician, they respond more purely.

Goodwill

People who do something for goodwill feel good about it. If they get paid well for doing it, it takes their enjoyment and satisfaction away. If you set children an activity they enjoy and reward them for doing it, the reward reduces the enjoyment and demotivates them. You have transformed play into work. According to Mark Lepper it does not work to motivate people with the promise of a reward. To encourage people to do more of what they enjoy an occasional small surprise reward after they have completed the activity, or praising the fruits of their labor makes them feel good about what they have done.

By taking note of the overall behavioral traits of people you can anticipate common reactions. Understanding people helps your interactions with others.

### Chapter 19

### Self-esteem

Have you ever heard of the spotlight effect? It is that embarrassing experience that seems so much worse for you than for anyone else. You blunder in some way and you're convinced your mistake is worse than it actually is. You think everyone is looking at you and knows what a silly fool you are.

We focus on our own looks and behavior more than others do, and so overestimate their impact.

Personality

Five fundamental dimensions of personality have been identified through large scale studies across cultures: Openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism.

Openness refers to the degree to which a person seeks and appreciates new, interesting and unusual experiences.

Conscientiousness reflects the degree of persistence, organization and self-discipline employed to achieve goals.

Extraversion refers to the need for stimulation from the world and other people.

Agreeableness is how much a person cares about others.

Neuroticism reflects the degree to which a person is emotionally stable and able to cope with potentially stressful situations.

People vary on just these five fundamental dimensions. Being able to quickly understand the personality of people around you will help you understand their actions and how best to communicate with them.

Debilitating factors

If we don't like ourselves, the inclination is to not look after or invest in ourselves. Others notice this and then tend not to invest in us. Not only do we not invest in ourselves, we punish ourselves in ways disguised as pleasure. We may eat excessively, abuse alcohol and drugs, or distract ourselves endlessly, anything to keep us from examining our lives. Even if we want to love ourselves, we are overcome by inertia and lose ourselves instead. The self-absorbed person doesn't like who he has become, so everything in life becomes hard. Even minor tasks become fraught with frustration and angst. When we don't invest in our wellbeing, we substitute illusions for love.

Our minds, bodies and egos battle constantly between doing what is good, doing what feels good and doing what looks good. When we decide to watch another movie instead of doing our work, our base desires win and we end up feeling bad. When we cater after our egos; say exaggerate our accomplishments in front of our friends, the same thing happens. Only when we do what is right, are we happy.

If we cannot exercise self-control, we are living at the whims of our impulses, and depend on others to feed our self-image. When we overeat, on a deeper level we become angry with ourselves. When we do things for show, we feel empty inside. Our actions eat away at our self-esteem, because we have sacrificed the very things we want for ourselves for the sake of fleeting chimeras.

Standing strong

When we give in to the temper tantrum of a child or allow someone to bully or control us, our self-esteem suffers and our relationship with that person is damaged. We teach others how to treat us by what we tolerate and what we don't tolerate. Don't give in to temper tantrums – ever! Be firm, kind, but consistent. Do not allow others to make too many demands on you. It will teach them it is okay to control you. Even if it is tempting to avoid this conflict, don't, as it will ruin your relationships

Insidious fears

Many habits we acquire can be insidious. For instance, we may not even realize that we have gotten into the habit of worrying. We may have learnt to stress out every time we get into the car, because the car may not be easily replaceable if something goes wrong. Or we have learnt to avoid people, because we fear the burden of coping with their differences, or we fear being hurt, instead of being curious about others. Shutting off seems easier than searching for good company.

But once again, if you don't make the effort, you are restricting your range of good experiences. It is practice which will culminate in proficiency, which will last for the rest of your life, and it takes practice to have people like you. And when people like you doors open for you.

Shy people, according to Frederick Bailes, author of: 'Healing through science of the mind,' claims that timid or shy people are usually so because of unconscious hostility through low self-esteem. They may feel that they are being viewed through a critical lens and that others are generally against them. It makes them introverted, silent and separate from others. In a sense they are self-centered as they are constantly thinking of themselves and the impression they are making. These are habits that can be broken, once you realize that others are concerned about their own images, and are too busy worrying about the impression they are making to think about you.

Employ self-control

When we rise above our inclinations and resist giving in to immediate gratification, we're exercising self-control. Only when we're able to choose responsibly and do so, do we gain self-esteem. Self-esteem and self-control are linked to each other.

A person who cannot control his impulses and his need for bolstering up his ego is continuously angry at life because his expectations are never met. He becomes reliant on passing compliments, or opportunities to impress others. In the end he becomes a victim of his desires, impulses and urges.

If he or she carries on giving in to impulses instead of rising above them, the cycle spirals downward instead of being stopped in its tracks. Pleasure dissolves quickly because the comfort that was sought is only replaced by the same old insecurities. Self-worth becomes a direct reflection of others' opinions. He or she is vulnerable to even fleeting glances and passing comments of others.

You cannot truly love yourself when you have no self-respect. We all crave acceptance and recognition, and these come in the envelope of respect. We feel that if the world respects us then we can respect ourselves - we have evidence of worth.

At the same time, anything we do for the approval of others will erode us emotionally. We put ourselves in a position of dependency and by extension become more vulnerable and so we easily become neurotic, anxious and even depressed. We depend on the whims of others to prop us up and we are never satisfied.

When you give in to urges like smoking or overeating, or self-absorbed ego boosting, you are not exercising freedom, but slavery. It eats away at your self-control and your self-respect suffers. Eventually you give way to bouts of bad temper. Then you justify your actions to make yourself feel better. Anger becomes your defense, and the angrier you are, the less in control you become.

Some people direct anger outward and become mean, loud and obnoxious, while others direct it inward and become perpetual doormats, trying to please the world to gain love and appreciation. Whichever of the two you may become, when you recognize tendencies towards these behaviors in yourself, you know the solution; you need to exercise self-control over your desires, impulses and urges.

Overcome lack of self esteem

Gain self-esteem by becoming worthy. Every day do what needs to be done. If you have problems tackle them – break them down into manageable chunks if they seem huge, and whittle away at them every day. Be true to your inner self. Do nothing simply to impress other people. That is the ego talking. If you want to impress someone, the only way they will stay impressed is if you are worthy, if you present yourself as you are.

Only talk about aspirations if you have thought them through, know they are attainable, planned the steps you are going to take in order to make them come true and have started on your course. That is the secret of self-esteem, and that is when you will know you are serious.

Don't just think it, do it.

Intention without action is the world's curse. Don't get old wishing you had done so much more, and don't accept excuses from yourself. Make use of your windows of opportunity – also create them by moving in the directions of your goals.

If you are a person who loves to fantasize, but never actually does anything that drives you forward, it is necessary to change your typical, habitual behavior in order to get results – and it is only by results that you can measure yourself. After all, the only way the world can know your value is by your results. The good part is that if you measure your life by your own valued actions, you don't have to accept excuses from other people.

Telling everyone what you intend to do and then not doing it devalues you. Being merely a dreamer also brings you nowhere. It becomes easier to change the behavior you want to change, if you think what the first tiny step is that needs taking, and then taking it. It leads to the next step; take that too, and so on. The base line is the action you take. (Take note; this is not action that depends on others to play a part, that is the path of excuses).

Some of our worst enemies holding us from taking action are the television, the cell phone, and the computer. They are all used to distract us from every day, boring life. Guess what; it is only when you are in a rut that life is boring. An interesting, purposeful life is not boring. Look at the following statements, see if you recognize yourself in any of them, and make an effort to change:

1. You are a couch potato.

2. You immerse yourself in the lives of celebrities and TV characters,

3. You hardly ever go out.

4. You talk about the same things year in and year out.

5. You fantasize but never do what you fantasize about.

6. You have no goals apart from just getting by.

7. Your answer is often 'no'.

8. You only meet people when they make the advances.

9. You don't bother to get out of your sloppy clothes.

If you recognize yourself in any of the above, do you realize why you feel alone or why you are not particularly happy? Well! What you need is a bit of action, and movement in the direction you would like to see yourself in.

The good news is that you are showing a desire to do something about it; you are beginning your journey of insight and motivating yourself towards improvement.

Remember that the results you receive from others are triggered by the stimuli you provide. The only way other people can get to know you are by your behavior. You are rewarded or punished by life through your actions or inactions. You learn your skills through practice.

If you continually feel frustrated and depressed in your life yet do nothing about it, you will probably end up living your life away feeling frustrated and depressed. You have to become committed and to do what it takes, in order to have a happier life. Take action that has purpose and meaning. Do what losers don't want to do.

Look at all aspects of your life; your personal life as well as your professional life, your relationships and family life, and your spiritual life. When you begin to do things differently, your actions will gain momentum.

Make a list under each heading of things you would most like to change. Perhaps you would like to gain more self-respect and change your image by swearing less. Or you want a new job, or a girlfriend. You may be aware that your sister needs support, or that, if you would just not be so mentally lazy, you'd see the value of having faith.

If you feel pain when you look at the life you are leading, it is a good thing. Pain will motivate you to change. It will help to propel you out of the situation you are in to where you want to be.

Some people are averse to taking risks and others do it habitually. If you usually run for safety when choices look scary or hard, you may end up settling for what you don't want, perhaps for a very long time, unnecessarily. You may have removed yourself from some stress or pressure, but at the cost of your dreams.

Remember to plan properly, and then to see everything through to completion.

Learn to say no

There is a connection between low self-esteem and not being able to say no. The excuse used for yourself is that you are a kind person. Most people are kind at heart and want to help, but not to their own detriment.

If you stretch yourself in doing something for someone else while the quality of your own work suffers, the behavior should be stopped. Also if it means you don't have time for yourself, or it makes your stress levels begin to rise. You don't have to take responsibility for other people; you can give someone else that opportunity. If you can't afford to give someone money, or offering them housing will inconvenience you, don't do it.

It is about setting boundaries. If you don't do it, it will be to your detriment and you will suffer through your own accord. It is probable that what you are doing for the other person will not even have a helpful end result.

Often, one is afraid of making someone angry at you. You envision a confrontation. You don't want to burn your bridges with someone who feels rejected. Or you think you may lose an opportunity, as sometimes happens with work.

Tips

When you say no, practice in advance. Make sure about all aspects of the situation and think through what you really want. You have to be firm in tone and keep eye contact, or the other person will doubt that you are serious.

It is not necessary to be rude and alienate yourself from others. You can be diplomatic. Say that you cannot commit as you have other things you must give priority to. Say: 'I'm in the middle of something, so now is not a good time for me' Say: 'I would love to, but I have different needs/prior commitments'. Give a time frame if you want. Say: 'Let me think about it and come back to you in two weeks' time'. Say that you have other needs at the moment, but that you will keep it in mind. Offer an alternate contact. The simplest is to just say no. You may even find it easier than you think. You may also find that the reception to your decision is more positive than you imagined. People like other people who show strength.

### Chapter 20

### Self confidence

To become worthy is to give your self-confidence a chance to grow. A sense of self-worth gives you the ability to respond to disappointment or even failure, by making more effort.

A self-confident person can maintain motivation through long periods of time without gratification, but keeping it in view for the future.

You may go to gym for years, knowing you will eventually bask in physical self-confidence. You have spiritual confidence when you are true to yourself, and when you pursue what matters to you.

Emotional control

When you have emotional confidence you are not afraid of your emotions – you can experience them and then allow them to pass. If you have suffered emotional trauma, your self-confidence manifests when you can regain your equilibrium, become distanced from your trauma and view it more dispassionately.

Your balance is violated when you give in to anger. When this happens you can ask yourself whether what you are telling yourself is helping or hindering. What set you off? What do you believe about the event that caused the anger and what do you think the consequences of the event will be? Can you picture alternate possible futures? Allow your emotions to wash over you and pass by breathing freely and deeply.

Avoid thinking traps like blaming others or jumping to conclusions. Put things in perspective and be aware of differing viewpoints. Remember that the way you feel is not something that just happens to you; it is something you create. If you can bounce back you have power on your side.

You can create self-confidence by anchoring yourself, while picturing yourself being steadfast.

Burnout

The best thing for your health is happiness. You need to do what makes you happy. When you feel you've had enough, you should make the decision to organize your life in such a way that you can do activities that will promote your health. You should keep making small nourishing changes. And make sure you have a future that you would like to move towards. Once your mind becomes content that you are pursuing what makes you happy, you will be able to focus again.

Wealth

Remember that wealth is relative to what you think is enough, although a healthy cash flow is necessary to your wellbeing. Incremental saving is powerful; if you make a point of keeping it up, say by debit order each month, it will do wonders for your sense of security. However, do not let your sense of self-worth depend on money, as it will make you vulnerable when things are not going well financially.

Do invest now for future wealth, but do not listen to only one advisor. Be informed and pro-active. If you are mindful of your finances and how to promote financial stability it contributes a lot to self-confidence.

Fears

Learn not to tell yourself stories that generate feelings of anxiety. Exercise control over small worries. Assess your fears realistically. Keep on visualizing your future and celebrate all your successes.

Stop obsessing over the same thing, rather, do a reality check and develop a plan of action. Make sure your negative thoughts are not only bad thought habits that keep you stuck in a rut. Transform yourself by overcoming fear.

Breathe deeply and exercise so you can burn off adrenaline and cortisol build-up. Also try to focus on others; ask them about their lives. It is good to forget about yourself for a while.

Develop yourself

Having confidence makes you free. If you stay true to yourself your confidence will grow. If you can let life teach you its lessons and you can still embrace it, you will be a confident person.

Know what strengthens you and what weakens you – if, for instance you are not clear about your health, follow it up so you do not worry.

Are you only seeing trees around you or do you see the wood, the country, the world and the universe? Is your picture big enough? Make graphic representations of what you want your future to be. Practice new skills. Pay attention to feedback. If you have only done things one way, it may be a revelation when you get informed information.

Overcome temptations that will only hold you back from fulfilling your dreams, and have the courage to attempt the unknown. Challenge yourself. Accept challenges and live life on your terms.

Collaboration

When you work with someone, first visualize necessary steps in your mind's eye. You need to be able to trust the person you work with in order to collaborate with confidence. If you have shared values you can have shared vision. And know that you have something of value to contribute.

Look at the collaboration from the other person's point of view, and also from the outside. Is the common objective pursued in a creative or tried and tested manner? Has all the necessary research been done insightfully? Thoroughness contributes to confidence, but, do not burden yourself with nonsensical procedure. Do what matters.

Sexual self-confidence

Many people do not have satisfactory first sexual encounters; in fact they may even be alarming to the point that the next encounter is affected. Men are especially under pressure – but think, it is a process of which you have had no previous experience, you are learning, and emotional intelligence is still lacking in this area.

So relax about the discomfort, it doesn't last.

Sexuality is not about giving a performance, it is about expressing desire. You are having a relationship. You have to be present in your body and forget about your deliberations.

You need to forget about your fears of rejection; they have to do with the other person's concerns, not about yours. Simply relax and take the situation as it presents itself.

If you are in a new relationship there is no connection with what happened in the past or what will happen in the future. Be present, listen and respond.

Do not hope that the person you are with will be perfect.

Pay attention to the responses you are eliciting, as they will teach you to give pleasure. If your responses are negative, see them as feedback, not failure. Give feedback yourself, so your partner can learn what gives you pleasure.

In an ongoing relationship, keep sex in perspective, but do not leave it out in the cold too long, sex cements a relationship. The bedroom is also not the only place to show physical affection – everyone needs to feel cherished.

If you are someone who feels that time and opportunities have passed you by, if you have a desire for a sexual relationship; make the effort to become social. Go through the sections on understanding people and building self-esteem and self-confidence again. Draw up lists of what to do, follow the steps. Find out about hobbies and interests you can follow up on where people your own age are involved, and join endeavors that uplift people in general. When you have a purpose outside yourself and a full life, you will worry less about your own issues. Once you can maintain rewarding social interactions, your love life has opportunity to grow – from there you need to be truthful and open, and present for the person you are with.

### Chapter 21

### Interacting with people

According to sociologists there are a few rules that are central to communal living. The best known is; don't kill other people simply for the fun of it. Another is, don't have sex with members of your close family or pets. Rules like these help integrate society. To help society stay composed, people need to work together and help one another. Some people always take more than they give, so a simple guideline is to help those who have helped you. We have an inclination to like people who help us and we help people we like.

In terms of favors it takes very little for us to like someone and we give a lot on the basis of so little, so if you want to help yourself, help others first.

We have to interact with people all the time. If you are street smart, in other words know what determines human behavior, you will be able to predict human reactions, and you will be able to control situations. You will also be able to influence people towards adopting your interests and desires.

The fundamental ability is having insight into other people. If you have a sudden insight into what motivates your daughter or son to behave in a certain way, you will know how to respond. They will recognize that you 'get them' and your relationships will improve – an advance toward all round happiness.

Imagine being able to read everyone correctly. You will be able to act and react to everyone in the most appropriate manner. You can be like this if you take an interest in others. When I joined my new gym and did not know anyone, one woman stood out. She was the first one to smile and greet me. She finds it easy to chat to strangers. Why? She's had a lot of practice. But who do I ask a question when I need to know something – her, because she is approachable.

Making a good impression

Dale Carnegie said that people win more friends in two months by developing a genuine interest in those around them than in two years of trying to make others interested in them. When you are genuinely interested in others it does increase your popularity. It means giving sincere compliments, matching people's body language and style of speech, being modest and generous with your time, resources and skills. The prize is that with practice your horizons widen, and your relationships become rich and rewarding.

People's responses to marketing

I mentioned before that people identify with a person, not the masses – that is why in requests for charity one person will be depicted, and their name will accompany the photograph. (Rhymes are also more memorable, likeable and repeatable so the effect is used in advertising.)

A related phenomenon is that if you need help, you cannot throw a request at a crowd, you need to ask an individual. Latane and Darley came to the conclusion that too many bystanders lead to no help. No one likes to stand out in a crowd. Everyone looks to the others for pointers. In everyday situations there is no clear chain of command, so no-one takes the responsibility. It's easy to decide nothing is happening, and move on.

If you need help, pick a friendly face in the crowd, tell them what is happening and what they need to do. It will short-circuit the diffusion of responsibility and transform a faceless bystander into a functioning human being. When you are trying to get help via email, do not copy the email to a group. The same diffusion effect happens. Do it individually.

Good food puts people in a happy mood and can cause them to make faster, more impulsive decisions. Caffeine can sway people with controversial arguments. (In ancient times people used coffee because it apparently had magical connotations to them.)

Similarity works. Randy Garner, for instance, showed that surveys sent from Fred Smith to Fred Jones received more responses. We like people who are like us and find them far more persuasive than others. A bit of humor puts people in a good mood and makes them far more giving. When trying to get what you want, remember that bit extra; throw your pet frog into the deal.

Apparently spontaneous favors can elicit a powerful need to reciprocate. For instance, a waiter giving extra sweets generally gets a bigger tip.

If you want to have your lost wallet returned, have a photo of a cute baby in it, second, your pet, happy family or elderly couple. The medial orbitofrontal cortex lights up when seeing a cute baby, giving you a nice reward. You feel good and therefore you help vulnerable and defenseless infants (survival of the future).

Approachability

Dale Carnegie also found that getting people to answer yes to a series of questions makes it more likely they will agree with you in the future. People are more likely to agree with you when they have already said something positive. 'How are you feeling?' 'Fine' 'Yes you can come in.'

Benjamin Franklin found that: 'He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another than he whom you yourself have obliged.' This is more likely to work with small favors than large ones. It is the same sentiment that Tolstoy expressed; 'we do not love people so much for the good they have done us, as for the good we do them.' In order to encourage others to like you, ask for their help.

J.F. Kennedy ordered troops into Cuba (Bay of Pigs) which was a fiasco, but the public liked him more for the disaster because he didn't make excuses or try to pass the buck; he took immediate responsibility. Also, the public saw him as a super hero before, now he seemed more human. A blunder can make you more likeable, but if you overdo it you will seem to be just a klutz. It also only works when you are in danger of seeming too perfect. People cannot easily identify with people who seem flawless.

Negative impressions last

We remember negative experiences more easily than positive ones and they have a greater impact than positive ones. One lie or dishonest act can ruin a person's reputation. A hint of criticism can have a damaging effect on a relationship.

When you gossip about someone, listeners subconsciously associate you with the characteristics you are describing, and eventually transfer them to you. So, say positive and pleasant things about colleagues and you will be seen as a nice person.

When we can compare ourselves favorably to those around us, we feel good. So, rather think of the good qualities of your partner, and feel better.

Deciding things

If you need help deciding something, do not ask a group. Being in a group exaggerates people's opinions, so that their advice becomes more extreme. A group of religiously or racially prejudiced people will make more extreme decisions when they are in a group than when on their own. Gangs are far more likely to act violently than when on their own. Even business people who decide in a group will more easily spend money, where they would have thought twice when on their own.

People who have strong views on political or religious ideologies and spend time together form more extreme and sometimes violent viewpoints. The same phenomena occur on internet chat rooms. Studies show that groups tend to be more dogmatic, see their actions as highly moral, justify irrational actions more, and have a tendency to view outsiders in a more stereotyped way.

Strong-willed people who lead group discussions can also pressurize others into conforming, encourage self-censorship and create an illusion of unanimity. Many years of research indicates that people who reach decisions in groups are more open to irrational thinking which can lead to polarization of opinions and highly biased assessments of situations. This type of thing is prevalent in cults.

Making a strange request makes people pay more attention, and increases the likelihood of compliance. For instance, if you ask for 28c - asking for something small and then enlarging the request later works better than asking for the big thing upfront. The opposite also works; make an outrageous request, get a no, and then ask for much less. People are likely to comply with the last.

When thinking of a new project, product or campaign, keep it simple. It's natural for people to be drawn to words that are easy to remember and straightforward to pronounce. Improving your handwriting and simplifying your language will make people think of you as intelligent. D Oppenheimer had people evaluate job applications, academic essays and translations. Unnecessary and complex language sends out a bad impression.

Make large decisions, like buying a car or house, from the heart. There are too many rational bits and pieces to consider and the purchase is too expensive to reconsider if your feelings are ambivalent.

### Chapter 22

### Communication

Communication is the ability to listen so carefully that you can understand the other person's message clearly and in return to express your thoughts so clearly that you and the person who hears you attach the same meaning to your words.

The left temporal lobe is the language brain and the right temporal lobe the interpreting brain. Both are needed in communication. The left brain focuses on names, words and letters, while the right brain focuses on meanings and possible applications of what is said. The occipital lobe is involved by observing information through the senses and associating it with previous experiences and information. Your prefrontal cortex uses this information, and reacts by taking action. When the information is perceived as important, your subconscious stores it for future use.

Establish and develop relationships

Communicating well helps you to establish and develop relationships. Be aware of your opinions and feelings, and practice what you want to say beforehand, so you can convey your emotions well to others. Also be aware that what is important or worthwhile to one person may not be to another and may be more so to someone else. People are inclined to listen to what interests them.

New skills take time to refine, but each time you are aware of and use your communication skills, you open yourself to opportunities and future companions and alliances. Be honest and open in your approaches, as well as sympathetic to the other participant/s.

Whether you are speaking or listening, look into the eyes of the person with whom you are conversing. It can make the interaction more successful. Eye contact conveys interest and encourages your partner to be interested in you in return. (Try the technique of going back and forth between the two eyes. It makes your eyes appear to sparkle.)

You can also make your whole body talk. Use smaller gestures for individuals and small groups. The gestures can get larger as the group that one is addressing increases in size. Beware of crossing your arms and hunching your shoulders, it suggests disinterest or unwillingness to communicate. This stance can even stop people from approaching you. An open stance with relaxed arms tells people you are approachable. Such a posture can make even difficult conversations flow more easily.

Be careful of sending mixed messages. Make your words match with your gestures, facial expressions and tone. It is ineffective to smile while disciplining someone. Always be sensitive to others' feelings.

Enunciate clearly; therefore take note if people repeatedly ask you to repeat what you are saying. Pronounce words correctly, or don't use them. Also use the right words, as people tend to judge you by your vocabulary.

Others perceive you as nervous or unsure of yourself if you speak too quickly – slow down, but not to the point where people finish your sentences. A high voice that whines carries no authority. A high soft voice is not taken seriously and a person who speaks like that can even be viewed as someone to take advantage of. Practice by singing in an octave lower than you usually would – eventually your voice will lower.

Speak dynamically, raising and lowering the pitch of your voice. Also use the right volume for the right setting, toning your voice down for a more intimate situation. The bottom line is to not only be aware of your own input in a conversation, but of everyone's.

Listening effectively

Listening is not the same as waiting for your turn to talk. When you are interested in what someone else is saying, you will listen effectively automatically. If not, try to focus fully on the other person. Avoid interrupting the talker and redirecting the conversation to your own concerns. Others can read your facial expression and notice when your mind is elsewhere. Avoid being judgmental. You do not have to agree with the other person's values, opinions or ideas. You can still make a meaningful connection even in the most difficult communication, if you set aside criticism and blame. Nod occasionally, smile and keep an open posture.

Truth and lies

If you need to decide whether someone is truthful, do not believe in the old cliché that say liars don't look you in the eye, or have nervous hands or shift about in their seats. They are generally no more stressed than honest people.

Lying does however involve having to think about what the other person already knows or may find out, whether what they are saying fits in with what they have said before and whether what they are saying now is plausible. Therefore they do things that correspond with thinking hard about something. They hesitate more and take longer before they answer. They give shorter, less detailed answers and repeat their answers. They don't move around as much and gesture less. They also distance themselves from their lies, using 'I, me, my and mine' less than 'he' hers' and other people's names. They become more evasive, switching topics or asking questions of their own or answering questions incompletely.

People are reluctant to lie in emails or on cellphones because messages are recorded.

### Chapter 23

### Romance, marriage, love

A word about love

Love is truly the most wonderful feeling in the world. It is the opposite of fear. When we live with love we gain self-confidence and enthusiasm for life. It doesn't matter whether it is temporary, romantic love, long lasting bonding, the love for a pet, or the affection we have for family and friends. It does not matter that we tend to love those who fulfill our needs, wants and desires. The feeling is good, and the results of loving are good. Loving is not the same as obsessing, which is negative and will be discussed in the following chapter. It is calm, accepting, nourishing and life giving.

We normally bond strongly with our partners/mates and children – our family unit. Divorce is traumatic because bonding becomes almost physical. Even when we feel we do not love the person anymore, the wrench can be badly felt, and it takes time to get over it.

You can encourage love in yourself by deciding to move away from fear. Begin by abandoning suspicion about the motives of others. Accept that they are people with hopes and dreams just like you. Move towards people you can relate to by doing things you enjoy doing, or think you may enjoy. By not shutting yourself off, and using your opportunities to relate, being friendly and perhaps getting a pet, you are moving towards a fuller life.

Consider animals. They are not machines. Their stimulus response behavior is emotion orientated. They feel love and affection and fear the same way we do. They have the right to a happy life the same as we do. They get lonely on their own; they need exercise, good food and water, and shade and protection against the elements if they are outdoor animals. Many are confined – they need a certain amount of freedom just like we do. Consider connecting with people by volunteering for work with animals. It can open up new channels of loving for you.

Basic physiology

The basal ganglia are involved in the pleasure control loops of the brain. Romantic love releases dopamine in the basal ganglia. Phenol ethylene, the same chemical that is found in chocolate, plays a part, as well as noradrenaline, which releases adrenaline. These chemicals cause your heart to race, your cheeks to blush and your palms to sweat.

When romantic love stabilizes, you either cannot see what attracted you to the person, or the chemical oxytocin, the attachment chemical, sometimes referred to as the 'cuddle' chemical, takes over.

Love has real physical effects, and chemicals sometimes cause us to choose our partners badly.

What attracts people?

I had a friend some time ago and only understood when I first came across the following information that part of her likability was due to her habit of touching and engaging. When you converse with someone, try touching them lightly on a safe place like the outside of the upper arm; it can have a remarkably good effect. People become more helpful, co-operative and friendly. Your chances of success will noticeably improve with a brief touch to the upper arm while making a request or delivering a compliment.

People who touch are also seen as the dominant person. When dealing with men, women don't consciously register a light touch, but unconsciously it makes them think more highly of their male partner. Women's romantic decision making can be swayed by physical factors, provided they signal high status. We seem to be a little shallower than we care to admit.

When dating, take care not to indulge in clichéd expressions. Trying too hard to impress won't get you anywhere. Showing interest in your partner and getting them to open up in a light manner does.

We all know that when something seems scarce it becomes more desirable, so when choosing a mate it could be a good idea to give the impression that you are choosy - but not cold as that could have the opposite effect to your desires.

Suspense thrillers are good for initiating contact on a first date. Chemistry is also awakened by sharing personal aspects; memories, likes and dislikes (especially dislikes) as well as intimate details. Smiles that take longer to spread over a person's face are more attractive, especially when accompanied by a slight head tilt. (Practice in front of a mirror so you don't do something strange.)

Be careful in romantic situations; playing the field and using ploys on everyone doesn't work. People pick up on behavior very quickly and are turned off by dishonesty and option spreading. They want to feel special.

Research done by Rick van Baaren demonstrated that people tend to mimic those around them. We copy facial expression, posture and speech patterns of those we meet. And the degree to which someone else does this with us has an influence on how we feel about them. In order to make someone feel the chemistry is right between you, mirror their behavior. Studies showed that waitresses who repeated customers' orders received larger tips.

Superficial indicators

There are ways to make attraction mutual. An aspect that has surfaced in research that was done in superficial attraction by Gueguen suggests that men generally prefer women with larger breasts. Research like this has interesting nuances.

Studies also show that men severely underestimate the romantic value of even the simplest act. Top of the range was whisking her away for a romantic weekend and covering her eyes while leading her to a lovely surprise.

Speed dating

Speed dating experiments have come up with the following results – what we say we want in a partner and what we go for in a partner are often not the same thing. We may say we are looking for someone who is intelligent and stable when we fill out our speed dating forms, but when we leave, the subjects we agree can have our contact details are often the ones that had caused pheromones to fly. And often they are tall, dark and handsome or fiendishly beautiful.

The Warren Harding error – the human flaw of choosing a president by his looks, not his abilities, comes into play with romance as well. Tall, dark and handsome men are more eligible for dating – but not necessarily marriage. What we are temporarily attracted to by our primitive and instinctive brain is usually modified later by the rational thinking part of our brain.

Another finding was that if you speed date and you are an attractive male with a lavish lifestyle and an excellent job and a huge bank balance, keep quiet about some of these assets. Women are wary of the possibility that other women may continually become threats in the relationship.

Women rate kindness and altruism highly when asked, but when it comes to romantic love; courage and willingness to take risks win every time. Sporting activities, like mountain climbing make men more attractive to women, while men prefer women doing gym, especially aerobics.

People with love on their minds lean toward each other, but people with lust on their minds are more likely to stick out their tongues and lick their lips. (G Gonzaga)

It is as simple as this; people enjoy looking at attractive people. This is not restricted to presidents or celebrities. If you wish to attract, you need to be as attractive as you can be. When someone gets to know you for the beautiful person you are inside, and they stay with you through thick and thin, proof that you have developed your vibrant personality as well, then you can come to the conclusion that your looks do not matter that much. Until then, look after yourself.

Behavior and emotions affect each other

The strange thing is, superficial attraction is not the only draw card. Our thoughts and feelings affect the way we act, and the way we act affects our thoughts and feelings. James Laird experimented with strangers: If you get two strangers to look into each other's eyes for a time by giving a plausible reason, they will feel affection and attraction for the stranger.

When couples participate in doing something novel, fun and exciting, they grow closer together, especially when they are working towards a goal, according to Arthur Aron.

Get out of your comfort zone

If you watch others go out socially and see couples clinging to each other while you feel envious, know that your position will only change if you do something about it. There is no rule in the world that says you must be lonely, or even that there is no-one you would like to be with. There is a rule which says if you aim outside your ball park, you better brush up on what you have to offer.

Dreaming may satisfy anyone for a while, but it is even better being the main actor. Always thinking the same thoughts, maintaining the same beliefs and doing the same things will not give you different results, it will merely reinforce the same limiting thoughts. If you fear going on a date, and picture how you will fail, you create more fear which clouds your clarity of thought, which causes you to make mistakes, which reinforces your reluctance to go on dates.

Ask

If you don't ask, you are already saying no. Being rejected makes you no worse off than you already are. You may feel bad for a day (only one day is permitted, more is obsessing, besides, you need the time to make different plans), but by not asking you may lose a future girlfriend. And remember, vague requests produce vague results. For example, don't say I would like to spend some time with you, say; 'Would you like to go to the 8 o'clock show and have dinner first?'

You are working with neural pathways in your brain which got you where you are today. You are also sending out the same vibrations that will attract the same circumstances you have already created. To change the cycle, you have to practice thinking, writing and talking the reality you want to create. And if you need help, you need to get out of your comfort zone by joining a dating/speaking/dancing or any other club that will move you in the direction you want to go. Albert Einstein said: 'The significant problems we face cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.' This applies to dating too.

If you feel despondent about all the hard work, know that the minute you begin to improve your looks, you will stop feeling despondent, and the more you persevere, the higher your self-esteem will become. In short, if you're in love with someone, aspire to become the physical equal of the person you are in love with.

There are competitive elements to life. When you have your heart set on someone, why would you be first choice if there is someone around who is more charming, does better, dresses better, and has a better body...? Make yourself first choice, even if it takes time, even if by the time you are confident enough to get that person you don't want them anymore – all the better for the next conquest.

Every single person on this earth can be physically attractive to someone, whether in the cute, exquisite, or pheromone sense. But picking your nose and farting in public is not likely to get the opposite sex interested. Potbellies are things people get used to and tolerate; even if you get your partner to say they adore it, know that it will be a kind lie.

Relationships

Just like a lottery ticket is not good financial strategy, dreaming of a prince on a white horse is not a realistic relationship.

It is only when a real relationship is formed that important aspects of people emerge, and even then psychologists have found that a long and healthy relationship is often one viewed through rose tinted glasses. Why? It makes it easier to be good to someone you believe is good, or in whom you still recognize that attractive young lover.

The thing to remember here is that humans are far more superficial than they would ever like to admit; it has been proven over and over in psychological studies.

There are times in everyone's life when they feel sad or distressed because they feel unloved. Remember it is temporary and no reason to panic or become despondent. If you feel rejected, you are looking at a ghost to frighten yourself with. You still have the same value you had before you were rejected. Everybody has their own perspective on what they want, or need. Their desires reflect on them – not you. If someone else rejects you it has to do with their perspective, their wants and their needs. The secret is to know your own worth and to know that you can find love elsewhere.

Having worth does not mean you have to be perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect person anyway. Neither are we necessarily loved for our worth, or worthy only because we are loved. And as an aside, it is not true that opposites attract. We choose partners who resemble us. Our partners are also usually the ones who happen to be in our vicinity.

Becoming a super lover

The idea of romantic love is idyllic. Love is closer to what you feel for someone who can fulfill your deepest desires and needs. For intimate love to prosper it requires that your partner reasonably satisfies your desires and needs. If they cannot be satisfied to a reasonable extent, romantic love will disappear. An example: If you fell in love with a sylph, and her sylph like qualities disappear with time, you will fall out of love unless you meanwhile fell in love with your fatter wife's cooking and other virtues.

Most people are not neurotically out to give without receiving anything in return, enduring other's bad treatment. Neither are most people holy. By the time people become disenchanted with each other, at least one has a long list of grievances. If you want your marriage to continue, it would be good to listen and try to fulfill those needs and desires - within reason, of course.

We need emotional food in the marriage; a stroked cheek, a hug, a kiss, a gift or compliment, a treat or a favor. If emotional food is not supplied, dissatisfaction, unhappiness and frustration will set in, and eventually your love will die. If you want your marriage to last, you have to keep your partner reasonably happy. Remember that anyone who is unhappy in marriage is free to leave.

Tactics

Eating humble pie when you are the one who has been wronged does not work. If your partner's behavior becomes untenable, the healthy thing to do is to let your partner know that you will not tolerate such behavior. If you do not do so, your happiness level will only deteriorate further until you begin to lose the love you have for your partner. You have to continue with your resistance until you have what you want, or if you find it too difficult, until you have some reasonable concessions. You need to teach your partner how to treat you.

If you have been the underdog for a while, you will certainly meet resistance. No one enjoys letting go of an advantage. Do not let this make you give in. If you are already unhappy, a little more unhappiness for a while is better than giving in and staying unhappy. Do anything that is ethical. Do not offer favors when you are getting none. Remain calm and friendly, but do not give in. Listen to the efforts to make you feel guilty, to being accused – but do not give in! You need healthy give and take, or balance of some sort in a marriage, or love will die.

When you endure but do nothing about the situation, you harm yourself and you can become neurotic in the long term. No-one wins. Your anger turns inwards and you begin to have difficulties like sleeplessness, irritability, eating disorders, headaches, digestive disorders, lowered libido, skin diseases and spitefulness.

When deep desires have not been satisfied for a long time, pressure builds up. If and when your partner suddenly realizes what the problem is and finally does something about the situation, built up stress levels may take time to dissipate and initially you may still react with anger. It is understandable, as in your head you may already have been making your own plans.

The sooner you can get over your feelings, the easier the transition. You have someone who would not be trying if they didn't care.

Be fair

If you are unhappy, apply reasonable pressure and accept reasonable satisfaction, but make sure you get the satisfaction; otherwise life will continue to be painful. Everybody likes to win, but you have to be careful not to win every battle and eventually lose the war. If you restrict your wife's movements because you like to have her at home in the evenings, and she may not see her friends on Saturdays because it doesn't suit you and she may not work because she has to look after the children, you may just lose a wife. Make sure that you are fair. Make sure your partner also wins and that you remain on an equal footing.

Being fair, sympathetic and considerate is more important than bringing flowers and spending lots of money on her.

Emotional blackmail does not produce positive consequences. To withhold your love because you don't get 24hour attention is emotional blackmail.

If you complain and your partner responds by taking the car keys and going out to friends, it may win the battle for him or her. But never listening to you may make you wonder why you remain in this relationship.

If you respond to disagreements by becoming angry, moody and using threatening tactics, you may convince your partner once or twice to give in, but people do know when they are being manipulated and they will stop paying attention sooner or later

If you wish to be a lover, you have to make it pleasurable to be in your company. Do not try to get the upper hand by fighting unreasonably, selfishly or by using dirty tactics. Do not complain so much that you destroy all pleasure of being with you. If what you are dissatisfied with is not that important, leave it with a smile.

Just like lovers need time to get to know each other, so love needs time to grow. It is the shared memories, the time together and the loving trust that glues a marriage together. If you work too hard, if you are never home over the weekends, you lose shared memories.

Children need attention, but your partner also needs attention. Make sure individual attention can be given to him or her and that your children are planned.

Brain patterns that interfere with intimacy

Some marriages or relationships are sabotaged by factors beyond conscious control. In some of these cases a little medication can make the difference between love and hate, staying together or divorce or simply effective problem solving. When taking the way couples function into account, it is important to take the brain that drives behavior into account.

Do not be too proud to get help. Unsuccessful people tend to deny they have a problem, or blame others. Don't sabotage your chances of success and happiness. Very few people, if any don't have problems sometime in their life. When problems interfere with your life, you should get help. It will give you more access to your own brain.

When a loved one needs help, give them information. Be straightforward. Plant seeds without going over the top. If a doctor is needed, be interested in the person, not the appointment. Give hope and realize you cannot force them. And get away from a toxic relationship.

Pointers in dealing with difficult behavior

We all have our ups and downs, so the following is only relevant if there are strong indications of certain unhealthy behavioral patterns in your relationship. It helps to know what the causes may be, and the sooner they can be fixed the more loving a partnership can become.

When the limbic system works well people are inclined to be more positive and more able to connect with others. They can attract partners with their positive attitude and are capable of sexual and playful feelings. Others are likely to be given the benefit of the doubt because information is filtered in an accurate way.

When the limbic system is overactive, people are inclined toward depression, negativity and they distance themselves from others. They filter information through dark glasses, and they are more likely to focus on the negative aspects of others. They are less likely to give others the benefit of the doubt. They are inclined to shy away from sexual activity through lack of interest. It is hard for them to access positive emotional memories or feelings.

Help yourself by spending time together – bonding is essential. Smell good. Build on your positive memories. Touch is healing. Get rid of negative thoughts.

Partners can see that their loved one does not isolate him or herself. Engage in touch, but don't take loss of sexual interest personally. Limbic problems are treatable – get to the doctor. And take care of yourself as well.

When the basal ganglia are working properly, people are not plagued by sexual or physical complaints. They tend to be calm and relaxed and they look on the future positively.

When it is overactive, people may become anxious easily. Panic, tension and fear builds. They focus on things that can go wrong and see the future in a negative light. They tend to have headaches, backache and various other physical complaints. They wear people out due to the constant fear they project. Their physical and emotional energy is also low for sexual activity.

With basal ganglia problems you have to kill automatic negative thoughts. Concentrate on predicting the best outcomes instead of the worst. Deal with conflict to cease worrying, and breathe for tension and anxiety.

Loved ones should help them look to the positive. Soothe negativity, and don't become irritated. Help pace your partner's breathing, and encourage him or her to face conflict.

Help each other by communicating and goal setting. Do what is necessary to stabilize a relationship, whether it is correct breathing, having a massage, a relaxing bath or getting medical advice.

When the prefrontal cortex works properly, people can effectively supervise their words and deeds. They can engage in goal-directed behavior and their actions are consistent with their goals. They tend to learn from their mistakes. They can organize themselves, focus and attend to conversations, and follow through on commitments and chores. They can sit still, express what they feel and do not seek conflict. They don't enjoy tension and turmoil.

To help the prefrontal cortex focus on what you like, not what you don't like about your partner. Focus on what you want and look for new, exiting ways to stimulate your relationship. Think before you say or do things and learn to say you are sorry.

Partners can help by not reacting emotionally if your loved one tries to push your buttons. Notice the positive. Help with organization. Make the appointment for the doctor and drive when needed.

When the cingulate functions properly, people are able to shift their attention easily. Their inclinations are to be flexible and adaptable. They are likely to see options in tough situations, and can forgive others. They do not hold onto painful issues from the past. They also do not rigidly control situations. They have a positive outlook for the future.

If they have cingulate problems, people hold grudges. They get locked into thoughts, thinking over them repeatedly. They are rigid, inflexible and unbending. They get upset by change - things have to be a certain way.

Notice when you are stuck. Take a break when things get into negative loops. Stop nagging. When you have a problem, write out your options, and follow up on solutions. Exercise together and have carbohydrate snacks.

Notice when your partner gets stuck. Take a break from arguing to avoid those loops. Deal effectively with nagging. Exercise together.

When the temporal lobes function well people understand and can process what others say in a clear way. They are generally able to read the emotional state of others accurately and have good control of their temper. They have a good sense of their memories and identity.

When temporal lobes do not function well, people may struggle with their memory. Their moods swing up and down, they tend to be temperamental and have problems with anger. They take things the wrong way and appear to be a little paranoid. They have violent thoughts and express their frustrations with aggressive talk. They may get confused, have spacy periods and misinterpret situations.

Help yourself through reminders of good memories, remember your best times. Listen to beautiful music together and dance rhythmically together. Watch anger flare ups - realize when you are oversensitive. Have protein snacks.

Partners should try not to take things personally. Take anger seriously and do not escalate it, take a bathroom break. Give your partner protein snacks, and help your partner to get medical advice when needed.

Medications can help with brain problems, but take note: Do not bring emotional topics up when meds have worn off. Be sensitive to sexual side effects of meds. Gingko Biloba is known to enhance serotonin levels which can help with depression. Also try Rescue Me tablets for anxiety and stress.

Assume the best of the other person. It will help them to behave more positively. If you don't want to doom a relationship don't belittle, discount or degrade your partner. If you want to keep a relationship fresh, vary the routine, innovate. It is easy to notice what you don't like; make an effort to notice what you do like. Communicate clearly, listen well before you respond. Make sure you understand and ask. Once a violation of trust has happened, try to understand why it happened. Do not give away your power by avoiding issues, otherwise resentment will build; deal with conflict as it appears. And make time for each other.

### Chapter 24

### Children

We instinctively want to procreate, but the urge to have a child has many hidden pitfalls. Like many adults, children may struggle with life's vicissitudes until they are old themselves, especially if they have not been guided and taught by parents who are well balanced themselves. It is difficult for children to learn from parents who are ignorant or disinterested.

Nature made babies of all species enchanting, because infants are vulnerable, weak and ignorant of the ways of the world. It is their defense mechanism which offers them a chance in life. Of course, most parents are enchanted by their offspring till the day those parents die.

But children can also incorporate many forms of heartbreak, simply by being human and in the process of learning.

The human brain mimics its evolution when it grows. First the brainstem and the motor cortex mature and then the frontal lobes mature. This developmental process holds the key to the understanding and behavior of adolescents, who are more likely to indulge in risky, impulsive behavior. Their emotions are fully developed and their hormones rage, but their resistance to sex, drugs and rock and roll is low. Human emotions tend to ignore instructions; they are built into the brain at a basic level.

Findings establish that parents have overwhelming influence on the mental and physical attributes of the children they raise, even from before they are born. Diseases can be linked to prenatal and perinatal developmental influences and not only genetic inheritance. For the growing child, social influences have a bearing on the expression of the genes. Their experiences form connections between neurons which form pathways, which give rise to mental activities. In most ways, parents and significant others program their children's minds.

Bonding between parents and children is important. Teenagers who feel loved have significantly lower incidence of drug use, pregnancy, violence and suicide.

Do not spend time lecturing and interrogating teenagers, bond with them. If they are too busy or not interested, force the issue by telling them that they are important to you and need to spend time with you. But when you do something together, make it something they are interested in.

Notice their positive behaviors. Noticing the good is much more effective than noticing the bad. An important experiment was done by Walter Mischel. He invited 4 year old children into his psychology laboratory and offered them one marshmallow immediately, or two if they could wait for him to quickly go somewhere and come back. He discovered that even at that early age some children could not wait while others could, even for up to 15 minutes. Kids who could wait distracted themselves and did not look at the marshmallow.

Mischel followed up on these children when they were teenagers and found a high behavioral correlation. Children that could not wait struggled in stressful situations, did more drugs, got worse grades and had short tempers. The marshmallow tests turned out to be better predictors of SAT results than IQ tests that were given to four year old children. Mischel discovered that even though all the children loved sweets, those who resisted them were better at using reason to control their impulses. They would cover their eyes, or get up and look for something else to do while they waited. And they were the same kids who later would finish their homework first and be prepared to spend more time on it.

Parenting

Studies done by Glenn Schellenberg suggest that learning music involves key skills that help children's self-discipline and thinking, such as long periods of focused attention, practicing and memorization. Music by the great classical composers has been proven to soothe, but not to help learning abilities per se.

Naming your child has been proven to need careful thought as names can have strange and sometimes powerful effects. Examples are that names towards the start of the alphabet get preference to those later on. In surveys done, people whose surnames are towards the start, rate themselves more successful. Certain names have more status than others and some names have unfortunate connotations.

Praise makes a big difference with children. When you praise their athletic, intellectual or artistic skills they perform better at them. Through studies done by Mueller and Dweck, we now realize though that the praise cannot be indiscriminate, you have to be careful how you go about it. Children who, for instance, are told how bright they are, will not try more difficult tasks, as it may prove them to be not so bright after all. On the other hand, children whose efforts are praised, keep on trying even harder. They become motivated and stretch themselves. Also, those who persevere, find their tasks more enjoyable. They want to see if they can do it. In contrast, those who were told they were intelligent in the beginning, avoid challenges. They are afraid of failure and they believe they don't have to work hard to get results.

Threats may work with children in the short term, but not in the long term. It may actually make the forbidden more attractive when terrible forecasts of what may happen to them if they misbehave, are made. State simply when you do not want them to do something. If they persist, get them to guess the reasons why it's not a good idea.

See chapter 10 for oppositional defiant children.

Emotional connection

When children are neglected, unloved or molested, their emotional brains become warped. Their biological processes that deal with emotions turn off. Abuse and cruelty makes us abusive and cruel. Research done by Harlow with his monkeys has shown that primates are born with a great need for attachment, which if not provided cause them to suffer from tragic side effects.

Humans are the same. When communist Romania banned all forms of abortion, which led to overpopulated orphanages where children received no attention, it caused babies to perish. These children suffered from severe emotional impairments which showed up as reduced activity in the orbitofrontal cortex and the amygdala. Harlow wrote: 'If monkeys have taught us anything, it's that you've got to learn to love before you learn to live.'

Education of values

Controlled trials have shown that well-designed courses in emotional intelligence have significant effects on children's mood and their consideration for others. These effects are still evident two years later. You should be able to learn the following at school:

1. Understand and manage your feelings

2. Love and help others

3. Appreciate natural beauty

4. Causes and cures of illness, incl. mental, drugs and alcohol

5. Familial love and parenting

6. Work and money

7. Understanding the media and preserving your values.

8. Understanding others and how to socialize

9. Political participation

10. Philosophical ideas.

11. Physical exercise, music, drama, dance and art.

### Part 5 – Acquiring skills

Growth demands a temporary surrender of security. It may mean giving up familiar but limiting patterns, safe but unrewarding work, values no longer believed in, and relationships that have lost their meaning – John C. Maxwell

### Chapter 25

### Managing life

People who do not feel in control of their lives are less successful, and less psychologically healthy than those who do. Happiness does not just make you enjoy life more; it affects how successful you are in both your personal and professional life.

According to research done by Sonja Lyubommirsky happiness causes success. It makes you more sociable and altruistic, it increases how much you like yourself and others, and it improves your ability to resolve conflict. It also strengthens your immune system. Altogether happy people have more satisfying and successful relationships, find especially fulfilling careers and live longer, healthier lives.

There is another aspect of happiness; we are happy when we are growing mentally and psychologically.

Manage your life

Someone once said that if you pay yourself some attention the world will pay some attention to you. Our world is not an evil thing to hide in fear from, it is there for us to manage and enjoy.

You are the best person to manage your life if you want high quality results. You are the most important person in your life. Evaluate everything about yourself, and begin your mission.

Look after yourself first so that you are in good shape to look after those close to you. If you are healthy in mind, body and spirit you can look after your dear ones better. Make a few decisions about resolving your problems and stop worrying about things you cannot change. If there is any discord don't allow it to escalate, deal with it so that it is behind you. Honor your agreements, those you have made with yourself as well.

If you had someone to supervise your life for you, you would expect that you'd be cared for and kept safe, that everything about your life would be well balanced and that you would have healthy and rewarding relationships. You would also expect to have opportunities for reaching your goals and that you will be able to utilize all your skills and that you would have enthusiasm for everything you tackle.

Respect yourself and live your life with design and commitment. In this way you will stop living reactively to whatever life deals out, and you will feel motivated. You will become one of those 'lucky' people who 'were born with a silver spoon in their mouths.' People will envy you instead of you envying them – the person with the profession instead of the person who wishes he had one. Remember that life rewards action. The secret is to start now.

The good news is that once you begin to manage your life, you do not have to start from scratch or reinvent the wheel every day. You will have built up a structure with fixed ground rules. If you commit to study every day at a certain time, the habit grows. If you make a commitment to treat your children with dignity, it becomes ingrained in time.

Also consider this saying: The things that bring you the greatest joy are in alignment with your purpose. Follow your passion.

Write down all your life decisions, everything about your life you want to improve, and commit to them. Live by them all the time, not only some of the time. Take it for granted that there will be problems, flaws, and challenges. Realize that if you set your expectations too high you will have difficulties and that if you set them too low your quality of life will be affected. Be realistic. Above all get out of your comfort zone or you may stagnate. Resolve to require more from yourself all round, behavior, grooming, interaction with others, emotional, work, dealings with fear and whatever else you can think of. It will be like starting gym; it's an effort for the first three weeks and then you become energized.

### Chapter 26

### Skills of value

Research done about lottery winners conclude that people who win the lottery are no more or less happy than anyone else, but people who did not win the lottery derive significantly more pleasure from the simple things in life.

Philip Brickman studied happiness and came to the conclusion that when people can afford the necessities in life, an increase in income does not result in a significantly happier life. About 50% of your overall sense of happiness is genetically determined. About 10% is due to general circumstances (education, income, married/single) and about 40% is derived from your day-to-day behavior and the way you think of yourself and others.

Buying experiences make people happier than buying products. Why? Our memories remember the good parts of experiences and spending time with others. Bought things get old, tatty and out of date. Materialists, according to findings, tend to be self-centered, buying only for themselves. It has its roots in low self-esteem from childhood. This tends to make them less happy. Spending on others doesn't make you happy – happy people tend to spend on others. Helping others through acts of kindness also makes you happy.

Skills

Some time ago I watched a television program about a young ballet star talking about her life. I admired her accomplishments, her self-assurance and her parents' beautiful home. As she described her daily routines I realized that at almost half my age her organizational skills surpassed mine.

What advantages did she have that I had not \- rich parents? When I thought about it, it became clear that it does not come down to having money. Her advantages came from having acquired trained skills in how to function best in life. Chances were her parents were affluent because they had learnt the skills of running their lives well, and they had passed those skills on to their daughter.

Being aware that life skills are learned is step one. You also have to be aware that one does not follow impulses blindly – that you have to think and to consider the consequences of your actions, and to choose the actions that will produce the best results for your health and wellbeing.

These skills are fundamentally emotional skills. Marriages fail because people have not been taught how to choose a partner or why to choose a partner. Once they have that partner, they do not know how to interact with that partner to obtain the best results for a good, satisfying marriage. If your marriage isn't good it becomes difficult to train your children correctly. Children turn to drugs because they are emotionally illiterate; they do not know how to feel good about themselves without the help of chemicals which are at best destructive.

How do you teach them? It is a long process which has to do with values. In the words of Mahatma Gandhi:

Your beliefs become your thoughts

Your thoughts become your words

Your words become your actions

Your actions become your habits

Your habits become your values

Your values become your destiny

Think about what you want and believe in, study and discuss it, do something about it and acquire the good habits that reinforce it, and your values will become your destiny.

When you learn about life it is a good idea to question and challenge all you think you know. When you turn up at your new job dressed your best, lie low for a while, until you can assess who the person is who really knows the ins and outs of the company. It may not be the guy with his own office. It could be the old geezer who's been around for twenty years. When the idea of getting married crosses your mind, talk to a few older married couples who are still content with their partners

Learning the rules of living life successfully gives you an advantage. Some aspects of life are competitive, but one realizes soon that the purpose of competition is not to put the other guy down, but for you to excel. And to take it one step further, the more people who excel, the better the world we create for ourselves.

But first you have to know better. You do that by gathering information on how to steer and control your life, and then to put your plans into action. When you have a plan and know where you are heading, you can stay focused through the storms as well.

The chances of being lucky in life are about the same as winning the lotto – and luck has a way of biting back. Successful people know not to rely on luck. They plan ahead while being aware of the competition, and they know the rules of the competition. The result is that they are more efficient than people who don't know and do this, and that their efficiency works exponentially for them, so that they pick up speed as they go along.

You may not like the idea of having to compete with others, but imagine this scenario; you have your heart set on someone, you want this person to choose you. Why would you win the prize if there is someone around who is more charming,, dresses better, has a better body and does better...? Why would you get the job instead of the guy with better qualifications, and, if you don't fight a wrong done to you, how will you ever be victorious? Or do you prefer being downtrodden?

Taking responsibility

But there are things I can't help, you may say. Undoubtedly, but if you cannot overcome drawbacks, whether they are real or imaginary, you will remain one step behind in the competition of life. But this fact should not dishearten you, because everyone is disadvantaged in some way. Whether you think your challenges are more severe than most, if you do not make an effort to surmount your disadvantages, you will not have the success you desire.

At some stage or other we all experience unfairness in life, and we all have problems. What sets us ahead or backwards in life is actually the way we respond to that unfairness, or those problems that we encounter. You have to make the necessary effort, or someone else will get what you planned on having for yourself.

Take responsibility

But what can I do about that? You may ask. The first step is to take responsibility for your life – you can get everything you want, and it will get easier the more experience you have, if you hold yourself accountable.

And how should you go about that? There is more than enough knowhow gathered in this book to tackle problems that arise in our lives, and to show you how to focus on seeing it through to a victory – so that you can pick the fruits of your labor and feel the happiness that comes with it. It takes effort, but rest assured, once the work has started you will become enthusiastic.

You may jeopardize your financial stability or your peace of mind, or a relationship if you take calculated risks in the work situation. You may even fail, but you would have gained experience and you may win. If your lover dismisses you, or your business fails, you are staring rejection in the face. Consider this; life goes on and rejection is something you can deal with – but the fear of rejection is nebulous. It incapacitates without reason. It is normal to feel anxious and afraid, but giving your power away to fear and allowing it to dictate to you is worse than suffering the consequence of having tried and failed.

If you are afraid, take your calculated risks one step at a time, but don't deny yourself the chance of realizing your hopes and dreams. Don't stop at the first setback, stay the course. If success is not immediate, overcome rejection. Watch for that next opportunity, and know that you really are not only capable and worth it, but will gain by it.

Action counts

When you become successful you exude self-confidence. You will be able to ask for what you want, and say what you don't want. You will think that anything is possible, take risks, and be able to celebrate your successes. Once you begin to take action, good things will automatically begin to flow in your direction. Action is the main criteria. If other people are slack, tardy or disinterested, swim out by yourself to meet your ship – be like the little red hen and reap your rewards.

You have to break through your established behavior patterns. Examine your own personality traits; you may be shy or overcautious, or have tendencies not to take chances. You may like to boast, but fail when it comes to doing things. It is necessary to know what will hold you back so you can break through those patterns. Some people spend their whole lives waiting for the perfect time to do something - how you do anything is how you do everything. Successful people know that failure is part of the learning process – but they go for it all the same. Mistakes are just opportunities for learning something new.

If you feel fearful about something new you are tackling, scale down your risk. Take on the smaller challenges first and work your way up. If you are in a new sales job, look up the regular customers and take on the ones whose time it is to buy again. With something technical, start at the lower levels of skill.

Make a commitment to your dream. At times you must allow your fear to be crowded out by your courage. Simply push yourself to take that leap. It could make the difference between making your dream come true and nothing at all happening for you. If chances are between failing greatly, nothing happening and achieving greatly, what would you do? Buckminster Fuller never graduated from college but received 46 honorary doctorates.

You may be scared, you think you are in trouble, you think you'll never pull it off, but if you don't do, even while all along thinking these things, you have already failed. If you are aiming for a target that extends you, you are going to have to take some chances. And keep this in mind, when some doors close, others open. It is the law of averages.

Ask

Jack Canfield says in his book, 'How to get from where you are to where you want to be' that asking is the world's most neglected secret to success. You should ask for assistance, support, information or money. It is the help that will smooth your way toward making your dreams come true. People are afraid of asking because they are proud, or of being rejected, or looking needy or stupid. But you don't ask, you are already not solving your problem. By not asking, you may lose a future girlfriend, or sabotage your project. And be aware that rejection puts you no further back than you already were. It is not necessary to want to sink into the earth about it.

You have to make sure that you ask the right person, those who are unsure about how to respond may play it safe by saying no. It is likely that the person in charge will know. Being clear and specific about what you require, why, how and by when you will need it will reduce misunderstandings. Vague requests produce vague results. For example, don't say I would like to spend some time going over the proposal with you, make the date. Say: 'When can we go over the proposal? I have an opening tomorrow morning at 8 o'clock if that suits you.'

Assume that you will get what you want and ask as if you expect to get it. Ask specifically for a seat by the window when you reserve your ticket on the airplane, or for a table with a view at the restaurant.

It is not a reflection on you when people say no, it may be because they have prior a commitment, or simply feel unsure at the time and need to think about it. They may have other priorities that also change with time. They may be in a bad mood, or don't know you well enough to trust you, or you need to ask in a better way, or so that there is something in it for them. Simply think about it and ask - more than once, as research by Herbert True, a marketing specialist has shown that most salespeople, for instance, give up after the fourth call, but that 60% of all sales are done after the fourth call.

Rejection is a natural part of life. It is liberating to have learnt to deal with it. You have to realize that it doesn't really exist; it is simply an emotional response in your head. You have not lost anything. And besides, it makes you stronger to have had the courage to ask. Once you have done it, you can do it again. Perseverance is important, and it is important to believe in yourself.

Feedback

There is as much useful data in negative feedback as in positive feedback. Negative feedback gives you opportunities to improve and ways to improve lead you to better yourself and so get what you want. If you welcome all feedback it will speed up the process of reaching your goals. When feedback indicates that you are not quite on course to what you want, you can adjust, repeatedly even, to stay true.

Caving in over negative feedback and taking it as personal criticism simply keeps you in the same place where you always were. Feedback is only information, information that can help you. If you react with hostility and anger toward negative feedback, all you are doing is pushing someone's contribution away. Ignoring feedback also doesn't work. There are different points of view in the world. If you have a product for sale and believe only your opinion as to whether it is a saleable product, how well do you think you will do? Not listening to feedback immobilizes you. It may make you feel better for a while, but it won't help you to succeed. Get rid of your limiting behaviors and replace them with successful ones.

Ask for feedback. Specifically ask how you are limiting yourself. Assure them when you are asking that it's safe for them to say anything they want. Ask people to rate you, your product or your service, and then ask them how you can improve to get top accolade. Knowing that you fall short is not enough, knowing in detail how to get it right gives you the information you need to do what is necessary to create success.

Do not avoid, ask. You cannot fix something if you do not know it is broken. If you avoid issues, you may end up being the only person who is not conscious of the drawback. Solicit feedback actively and with intent. And then listen to your own instincts.

Some feedback may well be spoilt by someone's psychological distortions. Use your intuition. If your mind and body says you are happy, go with it. But if you feel disheartened in any way, stop the process. Ask yourself whether you want to be right or happy. Ask more people; if three people tell you exactly the same thing, prick up your ears.

The answer does not lie in working yourself to death, in other words reinventing the wheel. By asking the right people, they may supply just what you need in order to finish the project the right way. If you want to improve the educational system, ask the teachers, not the administrators.

Failing

If you fail, acknowledge that you did the best you could with the knowledge and skills you had at the time. Know that you survived and that you can cope with the results. Clean up, tie up loose ends, and get closure. You will gain clarity and peace of mind if you write everything down that you learnt from the experience. Revue your successes, regroup and refocus.

It is natural for us to learn, grow and develop. Growing, learning and developing bring satisfaction. In today's world improvement is also necessary to survive. New technologies, new ways of going about things are being discovered all the time. Take small steps towards improvement all the time. They all lead to big changes. Do not overwhelm yourself, but if you do decide to make sweeping changes, consider that if will most probably affect those around you.

All your experiences are building blocks towards becoming an expert. Insight and wisdom come with years of practice. It takes time to practice and hone your skills so you can become a master at what you do. If you commit to improving all the time, perhaps taking courses in the directions you want to develop, you will one day get there, and your self-confidence will increase as you go along.

Set your sights a little higher and practice. It may not always be easy, but persevere. Most people give up just before the final heave. If you persevere, you win. People who win refuse to become discouraged by defeat. Think in a solution orientated way and keep up sustained effort. For instance, resolve to find a new avenue of marketing you product every day.

You can do anything you put your mind to. Look up Lake Arrowhead daffodils on the internet. In amongst the photographs you will find one with a sign that says: One woman, two hands, two feet and very little brain - started in 1958.

Quality relationships

Spend time with people you want to become like. If you want to be successful, realize the feedback you get from those around you will rub off. Stay away from negative judgments, criticisms, blaming and complaining people. Be selective in who you hang around with. Hang around with those who don't mind saying sorry or thank you, those who are growing, positive and happy. You do not have to stick around toxic people. Stay away from people who tell you that what you want is impossible or try to dissuade you from your goals.

Before you start something new, get rid of the old. Clean up and complete. Start by fixing things where you live. Take action to develop better habits. Stop procrastinating, not listening, choosing work over your children. Delegate, so you can focus on the main issues. Some of the most important things can only be learnt in the process of doing.

### Chapter 27

### Enthusiasm and goals

Thomas Gilovich studied the psychology of regret. He found that people most regretted not studying hard enough, not doing something, and failing to spend enough time with friends and family. Only a quarter of participants regretted doing something, like marrying someone they didn't love, having a child at the wrong time or making a bad career decision.

You may lament the fact that you have done something you regret, but only so far as the consequences are known. But regretting what you haven't done can continue as far as your imagination can stretch. To prevent regret you have to invest the time and make the effort. It is only by seizing the opportunity that you will receive the joy.

Christopher Peterson discovered that there are motivational benefits in encouraging people to think about how they would like to be remembered. It helps them to identify their long term goals, and to assess how they are progressing towards reaching them.

Imagine someone close to you is writing your eulogy. Write it for them - how you would like them to describe your personality, your achievements, personal strengths, family life, professional success and behavior towards others. Does your present lifestyle and behavior mirror those comments? If not, this is your opportunity to set things right and get things moving.

Follow your star

Following your star means trying to do what makes your heart sing instead of doing what you believe to be the best or right thing. There is a subtle difference. Often we shackle ourselves with unquestioned beliefs handed down or passed on to us. We also tend to behave in ways simply because we want to be accepted by those around us. Question whether those beliefs and those behaviors leave you feeling dissatisfied inside. Consult your inner self. What would make you happy?

A bad habit most of us have is to like to be right. We continue to believe emphatically in what we may have read, seen or heard 20 years ago, without review. And then we burden others with insisting on our moral outlook or convictions. We will fight about it, be convinced about it and never even consider that we are all unique with unique perspectives and unique life experiences. Being right is relative. What may be right for you may not be right for someone else. It is more important to be able to have insight into other people's perspectives. It is your gateway to understanding and perhaps co-operation.

I knew someone once, who in response to my telling her how excited I was about a book I had loved, assured me that she would never touch a book by that author, as he defiled and belittled his own nation. What I could not understand was; how did she know if she had not read the book? I had, I thought self-righteously, and what I had read told a different story – the author was not laughing at the nation, he was laughing at human frailties. For years I knew my interpretation was the right one, and I would have loved to explain it all to her, if she would only read the book!

Finally I realized; she had never been interested in literature, her big thing was patriotism. She was seeing me through her patriotic lenses while I was seeing her through my literary lenses. What was right for me was not right for her, and she had the right to follow her own star, however much I wanted her to follow mine. We must do what works for us.

An offshoot of what I learnt from this was that you have to understand people before you can connect with them. Give them a chance to find similarities between your values and their own. If you want to bond with them, show them the similarities.

Taking a step

When I was in my twenties, I started a small soft toy factory. For a while I worked from home, finding customers directly or selling to the toy shops in the area. In time I had enough business to want to expand to premises in the city. I went through all the exiting motions of setting up premises - and then was struck by a paralyzing fear of going forward.

I was terrified of going to the big wholesalers. They seemed so much older and must have had vastly more experience than me. Their businesses seemed huge. I felt like a total sham. It took some days to get enough courage together to pick up that new office phone and phone the first owner; but he wanted to see me and gave me an order. (As it happened I botched that order by not listening and taking heed of exactly what he wanted, and he never ordered from me again), but, what always totally amazed me afterwards, was that all it took to set me on the road to a successful business was a single phone call.

There are several reasons why people do not promptly solve their problems and move forward; one of them is fear. Fear can paralyze and bog us down in inertia for so long that all our opportunities pass us by. But fear is like a ghost that haunts us. It is fear of the unknown; a part of our psyche that protects us until we can assess the danger and develop a strategy on how to deal with it. A clear idea adds great power to a set of good intentions.

Laziness

Inertia is not only caused by fear, it is also a laziness of the mind. We sit in a comfortable little nest, our comfort zone – and we never realize that this little nest is most probably the single thing most to blame for people living discontented and unfulfilled lives. The longer you sit, or drift aimlessly, the more you fall behind. It is by far the biggest problem and the one most people suffer from, simply because it is easier not to move than to move. We are not discussing hard, relentless physical work here, but mental work. You cannot fail to get ahead despite the odds if you think thoroughly about what you want out of life, plan well how to go about it, and then go and take action.

Lack of focus

This brings us to the third difficulty; focus. The mistakes we make in life can have devastating effects, and often come about because we glossed over issues, or assumed that someone else will deal with it, or that they will fall in with what we want, or that other people will be fair. Unfortunately that does not happen. If I had taken heed exactly of the requirements the wholesaler had set for the teddy bear order, if I had not changed the design through wanting to save a little bit of material, I may have had one more loyal customer for a long time.

Denial

Yet another difficulty is denial. If you do not admit or recognize that you have a problem, how can you deal with it? If you become fixated on the bad deal you're having in life, and hope, because of the unfairness of it all, that your problems will be taken care of at some stage by a benevolent fairy, indeed, how long do you think you may have to wait? And how happy do you think you will be for that length of time?

The good side of doing the hard work of internalizing the strategies in this book and following through is; you will be saving yourself from a lifetime of not quite catching on, never quite having it, and never having the satisfaction that you have done well in your efforts. In fact, a bit of hard work now can result in a lifetime of rewards. And remember it is the process of anything you do that is important, not the outcome, as it is the process that gives satisfaction and skill.

Getting it

How would you describe yourself? Are you somebody who automatically does all the right things, 'gets the breaks' in all areas of your life, or 'are so lucky'? Or are you someone who falls over your own feet, seem confused and worried all the time, look and feel vague, or never knows what's going on?

Relax; we all have our bad moments, and sometimes good ones, we are human. But having cluelessness as a character trait? The truth is that the first type of person is not simply lucky; he works harder at being clued up; about those around him, what the competition is like, and how he presents himself to others.

The second type of person can take notes here that there are reasons for feeling unsure of yourself; sometimes, some of them are that perhaps you did not prepare, did not learn to read other people, don't listen to other people, or merely did not make the effort to learn how to do what is required.

There are few truer sayings than 'knowledge is power'. If you understand why things work the way they do, that for every cause there is an effect, that to get a desired effect, you have to implement the right strategy, then you will get ahead. If you know more than anyone around you about a situation, you will be in control of that situation. There is an effect called the 'center stage effect' which says that important people sit in the middle. They feel confident to take that position, because they know what they are doing.

Balance

We are active agents who both shape our situation and our response to that situation. What you bring to life is more important than what life brings to you. We cannot be happy without setting ourselves goals, from balancing a glass of milk while walking when we are three years old to beginning a new business as an adult. When our goals are too low, we become bored, but when they are too high, we become frustrated. Unattainable goals can lead to depression. People who have lots of money but are unhappy are usually bored – the comfort does not compensate for the lack of stimulation.

Monkeys who can fight off their rivals get the most sex, the most bananas, the most status and it makes them feel great. The problem is that you may not get to the top and while you try you're expending a lot of effort. So you have to consider how much you want what you are aiming for, whether there are intrinsic rewards besides winning and how much passion you have for what you are aiming at.

We are happy when we grow and the greatest happiness comes from absorbing yourself in a goal outside you. A sensible person pursues goals (not pass-times) he enjoys.

Happiness is the ultimate goal because it is self-evidently good. If we want to measure quality of life, it must be on how people feel.

### Chapter 28

### An overview on happiness

Some people chase material wealth with such determination that they forget that happiness does not rise with economic growth. One forms lasting attachments to few material possessions. Usually a new material possession may bring excitement for a year or two, but then ultimately it fades. One also gets used to new standards of living. When that cannot be reached anymore dissatisfaction and unhappiness doubles.

Adaptation

Human nature is such that once you have a new pleasurable experience, you need to keep on having it or you become unhappy. It works like a drug and is called adaptation in psychology. We become addicted to a certain level of income and material possessions and advertisers feed on this addiction.

People are inclined to underestimate the process of habituation; as a result their lives can get distorted towards working to make money with a result that other pursuits suffer. The benefit of income becomes less and less the richer a person becomes. In other words, the loss to a rich person who gives money to a poor person is less than the gain to the poor person.

People do not like to lose things. Comparing yourself to others is another reason why you become unhappy. We tend to compare up where we should compare down. Instead of being grateful for having more than so many others, we lament having less than the Joneses.

Luckily some things do not lose their appeal; the time we spend with family and friends and the quality and security of the work we do.

Factors that influence happiness are: Family relationships, financial situation, work, community and friends, health, personal freedom and personal values.

Statistically speaking

People in general are happier when they are married, and happiness falls when they get divorced. Married people are happiest the year they marry. Habituation sets in, but they are still happier than when not married. The same applies to having children. The main benefits of marriage or cohabitation are giving each other love and comfort, sharing resources, gaining economies of scale and helping each other. They also have better sex, are healthier and live longer. Cohabitation is generally not as stable as marriage.

Research confirms the dominating importance of love. We need other people and we need to be needed. People also feel the need to contribute to the wider society. Work provides an extra meaning to life. Unemployment is a disaster because not only is happiness destroyed but also self-respect and social relationships created by work. Being out of the labor force is not the same as being unemployed. It hurts less if other people are also unemployed. Happiness is compromised when unemployment goes up even for those who are still working.

Work also needs to be fulfilling, and the most important aspect of this is to what extent you have control over what you do. We each have a creative spark and if it finds no outlet we are only half alive. That is why communism failed.

The quality of our community is our social capital, whether we make friends and how safe we feel. This extends to whole countries; some feel they can trust most people, whereas others feel they cannot, which impacts on the general happiness of the country.

People generally accept being ill without it having a great impact on their level of happiness, but pain and mental illness does have an effect on happiness.

Your country

Personal freedom is important to people. It has been found that the most miserable people come from communist countries. The quality of governments are reflected in 6 different areas; the rule of law, stability and lack of violence, voice and accountability, the effectiveness of government services, the absence of corruption and the efficiency of the system of regulation. This covers personal, political and economic freedom. In the Swiss canton system for instance; the cantons where the most freedoms of referendum are given are the happiest.

Six factors in 50 tested countries using the World Values Survey explain variations in happiness; divorce rate, unemployment rate, level of trust, membership in non-religious organizations, quality of government and the fraction believing in God.

Television

Attitudes and behavior are greatly affected by technological change like television. Countries that get television for the first time have a sharp increase in violence, drug taking, crime and family breakup. Families prefer watching television – it is entertainment without input. TV does not mirror life. It contains far more violence, sex and chaotic relationships than ordinary life, and it contains far more wealth and beauty.

Chaos on screen desensitizes people; they become more willing to engage in violence and illicit sex themselves. At the same time, wealth and beauty displayed on television create discontent with what people have. Wealth displayed on TV makes people overestimate the affluence of others, and the lower they rate their own income. The result is they are less happy. Watching more TV also makes you spend more. It also reduces the happiness we have with our own bodies and those of our spouses.

People tend to ape what they see on TV whether it is homicide, rape, or suicide. The more television a child watches, the more aggressive he becomes. While television widens our experience, it also transformed the way we spend our time. Fewer people belong to associations, a source of communal happiness.

A rise in crime reduces the wellbeing of the victims and the wellbeing of all of us.

Changing gender roles

Science and technology have been drivers in changes in gender roles and the growth of individualism. Sixty years ago only 20% of women worked and now about 80% do. This liberates but also causes strain. Men get less attention and all-round there is more cause for dissatisfaction and split-ups. A more family friendly lifestyle would mean more flexible hours of work, more parental leave and better child care.

Belief and ethics

People have different ways of disciplining their minds and moods, from cognitive therapy to Buddhism; they find comfort from within by relying on a deeper positive side of self. Surveys show that a belief in a superior power makes people happier. How people interact is also important.

There has been a great decline in religious belief, largely due to the progress in science. Where people used to believe that God created us and set a moral code for us to live by, whereby our conduct will be punished or rewarded in heaven, they now believe that life is the product of the laws of physics. Most people consider morals to be responses to the problems of living together.

These changes affect how we behave and how we think of ourselves. Liberation from false guilt can also be an invitation to license. The difficulty lies in having the shrewdness to make correct decisions as well as taking responsibility over from a higher power.

As far as ethics is concerned, there has been a death of deference. Today we refuse respect to inherited position, but young people have also withdrawn respect from those who have earned it and should receive it. This is the result of early puberty, affluence and longer education. As a result, many children are uncertain of their role in society. Societies do not work unless people feel responsible as well as have rights. The decline of Christianity as well as social solidarity has left a moral vacuum.

Cooperation

Fairness is at the heart of morality. We like good relationships, not only as a means to other ends, but for the satisfaction they provide. The sense of fairness is diminishing however, in a world of increasing mobility. So, cooperation is relying more on our sense of morality, for instance, we give to strangers we will never see again. Cooperation makes us feel good even though we take the chance that the other person may cheat.

On average, people with a strong moral sense do better than others, even economically. A feature of good behavior is commitment. An effective mechanism for commitment is self-respect, the converse of guilt. A strong moral sense benefits us in the long run as it makes us more reliable. No long-term communal goal, be it in marriage, business or friendship can flourish without trustworthiness and commitment to the common goal. There is evidence that people derive more satisfaction from giving when there is no quid pro quo.

Good behavior from one person elicits good behavior from others. People are affected by the norms of attitude and behavior they are exposed to.

Tribalism

Tribalism still runs rife. People, once they are accepted in a group, tend to gang up against another, but will cooperate when the need arises. Different motives give rise to cooperation, the desire for reputation, or of approval, or fear of punishment.

One test of happiness is whether you feel that the world is a friendly place.

A society is good in so far as its citizens are happy. Thus a law is good if it increases the happiness of the citizens and decreases their misery. If it does not, it is bad. (Richard Layard – 'Happiness')

Private ethics like promise keeping, truth telling and consideration for others are transmitted through our genes and social learning. If I feel there are things I ought to do, I take on the role of an impartial spectator; I ask which set of outcomes would appear best to someone who was neither me nor anyone else affected by my decision. A happy society has to be built on two foundations, the greatest level of sympathy for others, and the strongest morals of impartiality. Ethical theory should focus on what people feel, and not on what is good for them, for instance, slaves do not want to be slaves because of little income, but because it is humiliating. Oppression is one of the most potent sources of misery.

Financial incentives

In the workplace financial reward for performance is problematic. It diminishes a person's internal incentives and professional ethic in general. Work performance may drop every time the financial incentive is withdrawn. If ethic is not cultivated, performance may not even improve and workers may not enjoy their work. Professional competence and pride in one's work are the issues to underscore.

Advertising

The problem with advertising is that most advertising shows that the right people would have certain things, which puts pressure on people. Children put pressure on their parents because they get the notion that they need an array of things in order to be accepted. It becomes more difficult for them to be themselves. Businesses do need to get their products and services known, but public pictorial advertising can certainly be curbed. It would be an aspect of our hectic lifestyles where the tone can be lowered. We do not need to be hounded to buy things.

Balance

We have been trained to strive and not enjoy. Security and a quiet mind are goods that should increase, not decrease, as people become richer. Continual reorganization in government departments and businesses destroy a major channel of personal security and trust. Continuous mobility is disruptive and makes people insecure.

If people live near where they grew up, close to parents and old friends, they are probably less likely to break up: they have a network of social support, which is less available in more mobile communities.

Financial loss

Daniel Kahneman has demonstrated through research that people need the prospect of twice a hundred pounds to outweigh an equal chance of losing a hundred. This demonstrates how little people like to lose.

People who receive money as compensation for unemployment have a certain incentive not to work, especially after a while when a phase of resignation sets in where change seems hazardous.

Responsibility

Society takes enormous trouble over who is allowed to adopt a child, but not over who is allowed to produce one. Schools should have a course explaining what a huge task as well as responsibility it is to raise a child. There is little worse for children than being born when neither parent wants them.

Laws that permit abortion have greatly reduced crime. On one estimate these laws are the biggest single cause of declining crime in America.

Health care

A good health-care system is a key feature to a good life. The world health organization states that almost half of disability is caused by addiction or mental illness. A residential complex in Britain found that many ground floor inhabitants suffered from mental illness. They were anxious because all and sundry could walk around the space in front of their apartments. When these paths were closed, mental illness subsided.

In any one year about 20% of us have debilitating mental illness. More than half can be lifted out of their condition within four months with therapy or drugs, but by using drugs there is a greater chance or relapse unless they continue with them, which is an unfortunate situation to find yourself in. They also have side effects.

### Chapter 29

### How to achieve balanced success

Studies have shown that fantasizing about your perfect world is unlikely to bring you the success you want. Why? It doesn't prepare you for the obstacles in life's path and indulging in escapism makes you reluctant to put in the effort required to achieve your goal. It requires planning, and knowing how to beat procrastination.

Those moving aimlessly through life are unlikely to suddenly become successful. Successful people break their goals into manageable sub-goals which remove the fear and hesitation. These sub-goals tend to be successful when they are measurable, concrete and time-based. If you say you want to enjoy life more you are more likely to be successful if you say you are going to try one new thing every week, and try to make a new friend every month and visit a new place once a year.

Motivate yourself

Keeping your goals to yourself eases the fear of failure; it also makes it easier to avoid changing your life. There is a difference between stating what your intentions are and bragging about everything you are going to achieve one day. If you have not made your mark yet, be humble and state a sub-goal: 'I have subscribed to the Italian language course,' is concrete, something has been started. 'I have passed the exams and am saving to go to Italy in August' can be next. In this way you will preserve your credibility and begin to evoke respect.

Those who make and maintain permanent changes frequently remind themselves of the benefits associated with achieving their goals. They also ensure that each of the sub-goals have a reward attached to it to provide a sense of achievement. Successful people also acquire the habit of making their plans, progress, benefits and rewards as concrete as possible by expressing them in writing. It significantly boosts your chances of success.

Procrastination

If someone who is a procrastinator can be persuaded to just spend a few minutes on an activity, they often feel the urge to see it through to completion. Just a few minutes helps beat procrastination. Procrastination can stem from fear of failure, perfectionism, low levels of self-control, a tendency to see projects as a whole rather than breaking them up into smaller parts, being prone to boredom, feeling that life is too short and an inability to accurately estimate how long it takes to do things.

It is possible to use visualization to motivate yourself. It is a question of balance; by interweaving the benefits of achievement with a realistic assessment of the problems that could be encountered. Try this: See the project through in your mind in detail, imagine the pitfalls. Visualize the first step, adding up everything that needs to be done. Look at the benefits again. Make lists, and then take the first step while keeping the rewards in mind. When things go wrong, as they will do, remind yourself of what you have learnt so far and concentrate on the solutions – when you find them keep up the visualizations.

Indecisiveness

Visualizing what you want will help define and clarify your dreams. Probably one of the main reasons why people don't get what they want is because they haven't decided exactly what it is they want. There is no clear and compelling detail to their desires.

To create a balanced and successful life, have a clear vision of what your desires are for your goals, career, finances, health, relationships, free time, as well as your contributions to the community. If you get clear on what you want, how to get it will be taken care of as you move along. Your inner GPS will keep unfolding your route as you continue to move forward.

Too few people admit that in their hearts, they don't only want meaningful work they enjoy, good health, time to do things they love, nurturing relationships with their family and friends, and an opportunity to make a difference in the world - they would also like financial abundance, and a comfortable home. Choose what you want – whatever is not a choice.

Expectancy theory

We spend our whole lives becoming conditioned – our brain learns what to expect next. This is why it is important to hold positive expectations in your mind. Napoleon Hill said: What the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve. Richard Bach said: Sooner or later, those who win are those who think they can. Henry Ford said: I am looking for men who have an infinite capacity to not know what can't be done. Your brain is designed to solve any problem and reach any goal that you give it.

What people don't realize is that they fail not because they lack the skills or aptitude to reach their goal but because they simply don't believe they can reach it. Believing that you are capable of reaching your star is the secret of success. It is not what life hands you that matters most, but how you respond to life mentally and physically,

Whenever things go wrong despite your best efforts, consider something else Napoleon Hill said: Every negative event contains within it the seed of an equal or greater benefit. Adopt this attitude: I feel fine about it; it means there is something better in store for me.

Changing

We don't like to change because of the risk involved; we may fail at a new endeavor. What would happen if we were unemployed? We may face judgment, confrontation, or being alone. It may also take effort, cost money, and time. This could all be very uncomfortable.

If you maintain inaccurate beliefs about reality or harbor guilt and self-doubt, you will remain in your comfort zone which you have created for yourself. People who are in a rut have difficulty in achieving their goals, because their negative beliefs about themselves and their preprogrammed fear of discomfort cancel out all their good intentions. When you discover that it is not a matter of willpower, but of letting go of negative and limiting thoughts and changing your self-image, you will be able to surge forward.

Changing your behavior is difficult, but it is a strong indicator for breakthrough.

It is said that if your self-image has a salary of so much per month - that is what you will earn. Apparently 80% of lottery winners file for bankruptcy within 5 years. They have subconsciously created the reality that matched their previous mindset. They felt uncomfortable with so much money and found a way to get back to where they were before.

We have similar comfort zones for the kind of houses we live in, holidays we go on, the restaurants we eat at, the clothes we wear and the people we associate with. Extend your expectations by imagining how you can realize that strong bank balance, what clothes you should wear, how invigorating your work should be, how healthy your body and how unforgettable your vacation.

Try affirmations – statements that describe goals as already existing in their completed state. Affirmations create 'memories' in your emotional brain which change negative feelings to a positive mindframe. The way to go about it is to use the present tense, and to state it in the positive. The affirmation 'I'm not afraid of enclosed spaces will only affirm your fear of little space. You can say instead; I find I enjoy variety. Keep it brief; make it specific. Include an action, like: 'I am walking in amongst the crowds and find that I am enjoying the different colors around me.' Include an emotion like 'calmly' or enjoying. Make affirmations for yourself, not others, as it is your emotions and the 'memories' you want to create.

Learn to replace complaining with making requests and taking action that will achieve your desired results. If your salary is trailing behind the effort you are putting in, don't complain about it, make your boss aware of your effort and negotiate a higher salary. Work to make things better and if they don't improve, leave. At times we allow things to simply happen to us through indecision and a reluctance to do what is necessary to create what we want. Remember that you are not a victim here; you stood passively by and let it happen. You didn't say anything; make any demands, or even requested anything. You did not try something new, like saying no, and you did not leave.

Getting the job you want

Interviewers often delude themselves about how they make up their minds about applicants. They claim it is qualification and work experience (Higgins and Judge) when it is actually whether or not the candidate appeared to be a pleasant person.

Candidates who charmed their way to success used several ways. They sometimes chatted a bit about things not related to work, made an effort to smile and maintain eye contact. They sometimes praised the organization. The interviewers were convinced that socially skilled applicants would fit well in the work-place and should be offered the job.

Edward Jones and Eric Gordon noticed that when a candidate mentions a negative point early in an interview, it sounds like openness and makes a better impression than at the end. But, an award seems more modest if it is mentioned at the end.

You will Increase your chances of giving a great interview by finding something you genuinely like about the company, and let them know it. Chat about something the interviewer will find interesting. Perhaps give a genuine compliment to the interviewer. Be interested in them; for instance, what type of person are they looking for and how does the position fit in to the organization. Smile and maintain eye contact with the interviewer. Be enthusiastic about the organization. Don't wait until late to reveal a weakness (but be careful of apologizing). Retain a strong positive aspect till last. If you make what seems to be a major mistake, they may not notice it and excessive response or apologizing from you will draw attention to it. Acknowledge if appropriate and move on.

Respond decisively

Intuition

There are almost always advance warning, like a gut feel, telltale signs, comments from others or intuition when things are beginning to go wrong. Once you begin to respond quickly and decisively to signals and events as they occur, life becomes much easier. You have to pay attention to what you are doing. Concentrate your efforts on things that work well.

If you want to be successful, you have to take 100% responsibility for everything you experience in your life, the level of your achievements, the results you produce, the quality of your relationships, the state of your health and physical fitness, your income, your debts, your feelings... everything! Acknowledging that you created the quality of your life and the results you produced is liberating.

Have you ever blamed anyone for any circumstance in your life? Do you have a habit of complaining about things? You are the cause of all your experience.

You need to give up all your excuses. We tend to think limiting thoughts and engage in self-defeating behaviors. Most of us are so governed by our habits that we never change our behaviors. You need to regain control of your thoughts, what you imagine, your dreams and fantasies.

If you don't like your results, change your reactions. A new attitude and behavior will create a different experience. If someone is in a bad mood and honks at you if you don't move fast enough when the robot turns green, do you get upset? What about when you are in a desperate hurry and everyone in front of you seems to be falling asleep over the wheel? If you can adopt the relative view, you will be able to relax, even laugh at the situation.

Everything you experience today is the result of choices you made in the past. Here are the things you do have control over in your life – the thoughts you think, the images you visualize, and the actions you take. Change what you don't like, your negative thoughts, what you fantasize about, your habits, what you read, your friends, how you talk. If you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll keep on getting what you've always got. This advice is from Alcoholics Anonymous: Insanity=continuing the same behavior and expecting a different result

Considerations, fears, roadblocks

Bringing considerations to the surface is a good thing. We stop ourselves constantly from doing things because of subconscious considerations: It's hard work, I have a family, I could get hurt, it's far, and it costs money... If you bring it to conscious awareness you can think it through, find ways to overcome problematic areas and deal with it.

Fears are feelings; of rejection, failure, making a fool of yourself, of loss. Fears are not unusual; they are part of the process. Proper planning reduces not only fears, but the consequences of making mistakes.

Not having enough money, or someone to go into a partnership with, is a roadblock. Roadblocks are things the world throws at you, like rain on the wedding day. You have to expand your brain, think laterally, and invite other thinkers, until you get an idea...

Overcoming obstacles helps you grow. Who you have become in the process of achieving your goal can never be taken away from you. You can lose all your material possessions, but you can never lose your mastery.

Small manageable tasks

Convert your goals into specific, measurable objectives and then act on them with the certainty that you will achieve them. Whatever goal you give your subconscious mind, it will work on to achieve. Be as specific as possible with all aspects of your goals, weight, shape, color, time. Write it out in detail. Stretch your goals; learn new skills, expand your vision of possibilities, build new relationships, and learn to overcome your fears, considerations and roadblocks. The achievement of one goal will be a breakthrough to the next. Set goals, review them, and act on them.

If you are clear about what you want to achieve in writing, and you take several steps towards your goal every day, you eventually have to get there. The secret of getting started is breaking down overwhelming and complex tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting with the first one. A good way to break things down is to talk with people who have already done what you want to do. Ask them what steps they took. They will probably also tell you of their own accord what pitfalls to avoid. Even if you have to pay for it, get used to asking. Going ahead without knowing or asking can cost you your goal.

Plan ahead

Make a mind map of how your processes will fit together, and then convert the things that have to be done into a to-do list for each day. Commit to complete everything for that day. Try to stick to your schedule. Always do the most difficult or most laborious thing first, and do it early in the day – it will make the rest of your day easier.

Plan your day the night before, spend a few minutes visualizing how you want the day to go – your subconscious mind will work on these things during the night. It will think of ways to solve problems and overcome obstacles, and how to achieve the desired outcomes. Imagine it sending out waves of energy to attract the people and resources you need. When doing your list the night before, collect the materials you will need, and write down the phone numbers. It will set you ahead and save you from some of the midmorning congestion.

Before deciding how long something will take, isolate all the steps before making your decision. People have a strong tendency to underestimate how long projects will take, especially when they work in groups. Even when trying to be realistic, they forget about unforeseen problems and delays.

Make use of the fact that almost everything that you want to do has already been done and left clues in the form of books, manuals, audio and video programs, university classes, online courses, seminars and workshops. When you make use of these you will find that all steps have already been identified and organized – use the system.

The Achievers Focusing System by Les Hewitt of the achievers coaching program can be accessed free from www.thesuccessprinciples.com

### Chapter 30

### Affirmations, visualizations, creativity

Albert Einstein said: Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions.

The law of attraction states that like attracts like. The more you create the emotional and mental vibrations of already having something, the faster you attract it to you.

Create affirmations by picturing what you want. Collect photographs. Hear the sounds and feel the feelings of your desired vision. Describe what you are seeing. Do it as if you are living it. Repeat them, and reaffirm them with pictures in your home or office.

Affirmations usually have an effect when you relax into them. They are akin to directed daydreaming. They do not require forceful concentration. Affirmations are affiliated to visualizations. You will get a clearer picture with the following.

What is visualization?

Visualization activates the creative powers of your subconscious mind. It focuses your brain by programming its reticular activating system (RAS) to notice available resources that were always there but were previously unnoticed.

Visualization attracts (magnetizes) to you the people, resources, and opportunities you need to achieve your goal. Researchers have found that when you do something your brain uses the identical processes it uses when you only vividly visualize that activity. This also applies to when you are learning anything new. Harvard University found that students that visualized in advance of doing a task did it with almost 100% accuracy, while those who didn't averaged 55% accuracy. This does not mean visualizing getting 80% when you haven't studied for it will work, it means visualizing how a process works beforehand, will make the practical run smoothly.

When you visualize something different from your current reality, your subconscious tries to resolve the conflict between reality and the visualization. It starts letting into your awareness anything that will help you achieve the vision. It creates solutions towards that vision, so that you start waking up with new ideas towards fulfilling your goals. It creates new levels of motivation. You'll begin to notice that you actively do things and take more risks than you did before. Your brain's RAS filters through the 8 million bits of information that streams through your brain at any one time and lets into your awareness those of importance to you. Your subconscious thinks in pictures, not in words, so it reacts on the pictures you feed it. Psychologists now claim that one hour of vivid visualization is worth 7 hours of physical effort.

Creativity

The myth of brainstorming has been exploded. People work better when they are on their own because there is no diffusion of responsibility. When people work together they can blame others if things don't go well and they don't get individual praise when things do go well.

When groups of people get a chance to settle down, there is a greater sense of belonging and contentment, but for creativity it works better if you change the status quo; bring someone new into the group, or change places.

Several studies suggest that there is a lot going on in our subconscious minds that we often don't utilize, mostly because we don't know how to access it. If you want to come up with innovative answers to problems, think about your problem, then distract yourself with another task. When you come back to the first one, odds are that you will come up with twice as many innovative answers than if you continued to think about it consciously.

Other ways of coming up with good solutions are; flexing your mind by thinking about the opposite of the solutions you have come up with so far. Imagine you are a child or very old person looking at the problem, someone different from you, or if it is a business problem, that it is a totally different business. Our minds can become lazy and go on automatic pilot so that we don't see what is right in front of our eyes anymore. Ideas and techniques from one situation can be applied to another.

Natural environments bring a great deal to better thinking and behavior. Patients become healthier sooner when they can see trees outside their windows, and prisoners have fewer medical problems. Large public developments with greenery have fewer crime problems than those that are surrounded by concrete. Even just the color green, as opposed to the color red, can double your chances of solving problems.

The ability to be creative can be dramatically altered by small additions. One polished table or a tub of flowers at the door gives the impression a place is loved. Three trees in a row give the impression of an avenue. Liking your surroundings does make you more creative.

Blood flow to the locus coeruleus, a small spot in your brain, is affected by the position of the body. For creative thinking, pull the table towards you while leaning forward, cross your arms to persevere, and if that doesn't work, try lying down.

### Part 6 – Surfing life

Knowledge is love and light and vision – Helen Keller

### Chapter 31

### Energetic cells

Technological advances have helped us understand how our brains work, but how does that part of us which looks objectively at our thoughts function? If we break our biological system right down to the energy exchange in our cells, we begin to see how thoughts, mind, brain, and body are not only intertwined, but also part of our environment.

There is a scientific basis for stating that our lives are not victim orientated, but that we are co-creators. In order to prove this, we have to take a brief excursion into our biological character.

Cells respond to cues in their environment

The fate and behavior of any organism is directly linked to its perception of the environment, which means that the character of our life is based upon how we perceive it. Organisms get cues from the environment to which they respond.

The science of signal transduction focuses on the biochemical pathways by which cells respond to environmental cues. Environmental signals involve cytoplasmic processes that can alter gene expression and thereby control cell fate, influence cell movement, control cell survival or even make it die.

Environmental signals remodel our genes

Epigenetics (meaning control above the cell) is the science of how environmental signals select, modify, and regulate gene activity. Our genes are constantly being remodeled in response to life experiences. We are not the victims of our genes – nurturing our lives changes our lives. The fully conscious mind trumps both nature and nurture.

A carefree child is full of the pleasures of being alive. When you live for the moment it reacquaints you with the same sensations. Noticing and appreciating nature gives you a window into the amazing integration of plant and animal species. All live in a delicate balance with other life forms and their physical environment. Natural life is lived in harmony.

We consist of communities of cells

We are co-operative communities of about 50trillion single cells that live together because it works to the good of all and the effective evolution of all. Human beings are the consequence of 'collective amoebic consciousness' (Lipton, 'The biology of belief'). Single cells, the first life forms on the planet, were here 600 million years after the earth was first formed. They populated the world for the next 2.75 billion years.

Ever bigger communities of cells reflect the biological imperative to survive. When they band together, they increase their awareness exponentially. In order to survive high densities they created structured environments, subdividing and refining workloads into specialized fields to meet the demands of life. Differentiation became embedded in the genes over time. For instance, it became the role of the lungs to breathe, and it became the role of the cells in the nervous system to read and respond to environmental stimuli, and then to co-ordinate the behavior of all the other cells in the cellular community. Animals co-evolved.

Systems biology teaches the relationships between living organisms, for instance bacteria in the stomach helping with digestion and absorption. The sharing of genetic information via gene transfer speeds up evolution. (This is why genetic engineering is dangerous.)

Each cell is an intelligent being that can survive on its own. They actively seek an environment that support survival and avoid toxic or hostile ones. They analyze stimuli in their micro-environment and select appropriate behavioral responses to ensure survival.

Single cells are also capable of learning through environmental experience and are able to create cellular memories which they pass on to their offspring. For instance, when a child is infected with a virus, an immature immune cell is called in to create a protective protein antibody and in the process a new gene to serve as a blueprint. They randomly select an array of genes, each providing a uniquely shaped antibody protein. The cells are activated when they encounter a close physical compliment to the invading virus. Then they somatically hyper mutate to compliment the invading virus completely. When one of these antibodies locks on to the virus, it inactivates the invader and marks it for destruction. If the virus attacks again, these cells are ready to counter attack.

Faulty genes

Ever since genetics were discovered, people have feared that their genes would trip them up due to the genes they have inherited. They assign cancer, heart disease and diabetes to faulty genes, and not to a variety of causes, such as physical, mental, emotional and spiritual (energetic) causes. Faulty genes are less than 2% of the causes of ill health. Further than that, genes can only be linked to ill health and they are triggered by something.

Energy in cells

Cells are made up of four molecules, sugars, lipids, proteins and nucleic acids (DNA/RNA), of which proteins, our building blocks, are the most important. There are over 100,000 different types of proteins in our bodies. Each protein is a string of linked amino acids that adopt a variety of shapes due to the interaction of electromagnetic charges among the amino acids. Most amino acids have positive and negative charges, attracting or repelling one another to balance the forces. If their charges are altered, they dynamically adjust to accommodate the new distribution. Cells exploit these movements to empower specific metabolic and behavioral functions. Cytoplasmic proteins that cooperate to create specific functions are grouped in assemblies called pathways, like digestion or respiratory pathways. Proteins, not DNA, cause behavior generating movement.

Genes can be modified

Epigenetics (control above genetics) changes our understanding of how life is controlled. Environmental influences, including nutrition, emotions, and stress can modify genes without changing their basic blueprint. These influences can also be passed on to future generations. In the chromosome, DNA forms the core and is covered by proteins. When genes are covered, their information cannot be read. Once the DNA is uncovered by an environmental signal, the cell makes a copy of the exposed gene – making its activity controlled by environmental signals. Regulatory proteins can create 2,000 or more variations from the same gene blueprint.

A Duke University study proved the efficacy of methyl-rich group of supplements given to a group of obese agouti female mice when pregnant – their offspring did not develop obesity. (When methyl groups attach to a gene's DNA, it changes the building characteristics of regulatory chromosomal proteins. If the proteins bind too tightly to the gene, the protein sleeve cannot be removed and the gene cannot be read.) Methylation can silence or modify gene activity.

Epigenetic mechanisms are a factor in a variety of diseases, including cardiovascular diseases, cancer and diabetes. Molecular biology has shown that the genome is far more responsive to the environment than previously supposed. Single cells, as well as multicellular organisms, like people, are shaped by the environment they live in.

The cell's brain

All living cell membranes have the same basic three layered structure. Bacteria carry out the same physiological processes as more complicated cells. For instance, the prokaryotes' cytoplasm has no evident nucleus or mitochondria, so even though its processes are basic, the only candidate for a brain is the membrane. The cell's membrane is structured so that selected information and food can enter the cell body.

Cells recharge themselves

All molecules can be divided into nonpolar and polar categories, based on the type of chemical bonds that hold their atoms together. The bonds have positive and/or negative charges, making them behave like magnets, attracting or repelling other charged molecules. Polar molecules include water and things that dissolve in water.

Nonpolar molecules include oil and substances that dissolve in oil. These have no positive or negative charges. The membrane which consists of phospholipids is a stability seeking mix of both. The lipid part does not let polar charged nutrients through; its core is an electrical insulator, while the phosphate parts do.

Receptor proteins in cells sense and respond to specific environment signals. They also read vibrational energy fields such as light, sound, and radio frequencies. If an energy vibration in the environment resonates with the receptor's antenna, it will alter the protein's charge, causing the receptor to change shape. So, biological behavior can be controlled by invisible forces including a thought, as well as by physical molecules; chemicals, like penicillin. The membranes receptors are the equivalent of sensory nerves and the effector proteins are the equivalent of action generating motor nerves.

As I said, signal transduction is the study of the information pathways between receptor and effector proteins' behavior. Every cell has thousands of channel type transport proteins. Their activity uses up almost half of your body's energy every day. Sodium-potassium channel proteins shuttles three positive-charged sodium atoms out, and two positive charged potassium atoms into the cytoplasm environment, many times a second. It does not only use energy, it creates it. It turns the cell into a recharging biological battery.

Smart cells

Cells became smarter by utilizing their outer membrane surface more efficiently and by expanding the surface area of their membranes so that more integral membrane proteins could be packed in. In prokaryote organisms, the IMPs (integral membrane proteins) carry out all its fundamental physiological functions such as respiration, digestion and excretion. Later in evolution, parts of the membrane carrying out these functions move to the interior and form organelles, leaving more membrane surface area for IMPs. In multicellular organisms there is a division of labor, for instance in single cells the mitochondria handles respiration, whereas in a multicellular organism it is the lungs.

The membrane is like a computer chip

A structure whose molecules are arranged in a regular repeated pattern is defined as a crystal. The membrane is a liquid crystal semiconductor with gates and channels, just like a computer chip. It is the structural and functional equivalent of a silicon chip. (Cornell and associates)

The cell is like a computer

Computers and cells are both programmable with the programmer lying outside the cell (information coming from outside the cell). The nucleus serves as the hard drive containing the DNA that encodes the production of proteins. You can remove this disk without interfering with the program that is running. The cell's Central Processing Unit (CPU) is the membrane (with the receptors being the keyboard.) converting environmental information into behavioral language of biology.

The things to remember are that although we have genetic influences, we are not controlled by our genes, and that single cell or multicellular organisms adapt and evolve through the stimuli in their environment.

Also, membrane receptor proteins are the equivalent of sensory nerves and effector proteins are the equivalent of action generating motor nerves in our bodies – they receive and act upon vibrating energetic forces as well as physical chemicals. Energy is continuously used and created in our cells.

Cells gravitate to a life-sustaining signal, such as nutrients. This characterizes a growth response. They move away from threatening signals, such as toxins, which characterizes a protection response. Some signals are of course neutral.

We, who are multicellular organisms, restrict our growth behaviors when we shift into protective mode. Energy is needed for fight or flight reactions; so life-sustaining energy is inhibited. Chronic inhibition of growth mechanisms compromises your vitality.

### Chapter 32

### The language of nature

In the twentieth century physicists abandoned the material Newtonian universe because they realized the universe is made of energy. Newtonian physics could not explain many aspects of how the world works, as it is mechanistic.

They discovered physical atoms are made up of vortices of energy (the atom has no physical structure, it is made of invisible energy) that constantly spin and vibrate. Each atom has its own energy signature (wobble) and assemblies of atoms (molecules) radiate their own identifying energy patterns. So every material structure, including humans radiate unique energy signatures. The earth is one indivisible dynamic whole: Energy and matter are one; E=MC2.

Psychic phenomena like spontaneous healings, acupuncture's ability to diminish pain by moving the 'chi' around the body, chiropractic, massage therapy, or prayers are difficult to explain. Think also of awesome feats of strength or endurance, or walking across hot coals without getting burnt. Fields of study like the paranormal have always been highly controversial, but they are beginning to offer a glimpse of accessibility. We are making inroads, and we are beginning to understand that what we are dealing with are natural phenomena – the veil of superstition is beginning to lift.

Medical drugs in the quantum universe

The quantum perspective reveals that the universe is an integration of interdependent energy fields that are entangled in a meshwork of interactions. The flow of information in the quantum universe is holistic. Cellular constituents are woven into a complex web of crosstalk, feedback and forward feeding loops. So, medical drugs that work in a reductionist, linear fashion can cause biological dysfunction and miscommunication anywhere within these complex pathways. Where the same signals or protein molecules are used in different organs or tissues delivering different behavioral functions, drugs which are delivered through the bloodstream affect systems, for instance the nervous system, where they should not.

One ingenious characteristic of the body's signaling system is its specificity. If you itch in a specific spot, it is the signal molecule's inflammatory response to the allergen that was sent to that spot. A histamine capsule does not have that specificity.

Estrogen receptors in the body, apart from their influence in the female reproductive system, also play a role in the normal function of blood vessels, the heart, and the brain. Synthetic HRT has been shown to have disturbing side effects.

Asians have honored energy as the principal factor contributing to health and wellbeing for as long as memory stretches. Their medical approach is based on an understanding of the universe. Yet, in America, where Iatrogenic illness (illness resulting from medical treatment) has been shown to be a leading cause of death, dismisses Eastern medicine as unscientific.

A factor that contributes to this medical conundrum is that in the western world, medical doctors can very easily become pawns to the huge pharmaceutical industry, as doctors often base their information on what representatives tell them.

Electromagnetic forces

Scientific studies consistently reveal that electromagnetic forces impact every facet of biological regulation. These energies include microwaves, radio frequencies, the visible light spectrum, extremely low frequencies, acoustic frequencies and scalar energy.

Specific frequencies and patterns of electromagnetic radiation control DNA, RNA, and protein synthesis; after protein shape and function and control gene regulation, cell division, cell differentiation, morphogenesis (the process by which cells assemble into organs and tissues), hormone secretion, and nerve growth and function.

C.W.F. McClare: 'Resonance in Bioenergetics 1974' reveals that electromagnetic frequencies (186 miles per second) are much more efficient than physical signals such as hormones, neurotransmitters etc. Because energy fields travel easily through the physical body, CAT scans, MRIs and PET scans can now detect disease noninvasively.

Harmonic resonances

The behavior of energy waves (colliding waves can be constructive or destructive) are important for biomedicine because vibrational frequencies can alter the physical and chemical properties of an atom just like physical signals like histamine and estrogen can.

Scientists have devised ways to stop atoms, or to enhance them by finding vibrations that create harmonic resonance. They can be acoustic or electromagnetic in origin. Doctors, for instance use constructive resonance interference mechanics to treat kidney stones.

Energy based psychological healing

Learned perceptions can override genetically programmed instincts like heart rate and blood pressure, yet yogis using biofeedback can learn to consciously regulate innate functions.

Just a thought: Dr. John Lorber in a 1980 Science article said that human intelligence is more than just the brain. Energy 'the super conscious is also involved...' He, for instance, treated a patient who when scanned showed very little cerebral cortex, yet was a university mathematics student with an IQ of 126. Other cases also exist.

Kinesiology or muscle testing demonstrates that when told to say something which you know to be a lie, the conflict expresses itself as a weakening of the muscles. Intellectual conflict weakens muscles.

Chiropractors can tap into the body's innate healing power through the mind. The science of chiropractic recognizes the flow of energy through the nervous system and use electro therapy. It is only lately that the practice is beginning to be understood.

TMS- Trans-cranial magnetic stimulation stimulates the brain with magnetic fields. This was also a maligned field but which studies now suggest can be a powerful therapeutic tool if used properly. It can ease depression and alter cognition.

Thoughts

Thoughts influence how the physical brain controls the body's physiology. Thought energy can activate or prohibit the cell's function producing proteins. There is the well-known case of doctor Mason, who successfully cured with hypnotism what he thought was a bad case of warts, after a series of other doctors had been unsuccessful. He discovered afterwards that he had cured an incurable disease. More patients with this disease came to him, but not one was healed. What happened here? Something, like his thoughts or belief or confidence interacted energetically with the mind of the boy. The boy's mind and body responded to this confidence and he healed himself with the energetic input of the physician. Thoughts and matter influence each other.

It is a good idea to monitor where you expend your brain's energy. Examine the consequences of energy invested in thoughts. Some research has shown that energy is a more efficient means of affecting matter than chemicals.

Simply thinking positive thoughts does not always lead to physical cures. It is necessary to harness control of your body and your life. You need to shift the mind's energy towards positive life generating thoughts and eliminate energy draining and debilitating negative thoughts.

Stimuli

The conscious and subconscious minds are interdependent. The conscious mind creates and the sub conscious mind is a repository of stimulus-response recordings derived from instinct and learned experiences. Although the subconscious mind is highly refined, it remains strictly habitual. It plays the same behavioral responses to life's signals over and over again. If you automatically fly into a rage every time someone displays dualistic thinking, you have just experienced the stimulus-response of a behavior stored in the sub conscious mind.

You can take the scenario back to the single cell: Cells generally respond to an assortment of very basic 'perceptions' of what's going on in their environment. They perceive whether there is potassium, calcium, glucose, oxygen, estrogen, histamine, toxins, light or any other stimuli around. There are simultaneous interactions of tens of thousands of reflexive perception switches in the membrane, each reading individual signals.

Signals released from the cell into the environment also influence other organisms to allow for a coordination of behavior among the population of unicellular organisms. Unicellular organisms that form colonies and then diversify into specialty functions become multicellular organisms that need complex behavior controls to ensure survival – they form centralized information processing systems. Specialized cells took over the job of monitoring and organizing the flow of the behavior regulating signal molecules. These cells provided a distributed nerve network and central information processor, a brain, which coordinates the dialogue of signal molecules within the community. The brain controls the behavior of the body's cells.

The development of the limbic system provided the mechanism to convert chemical communication signals into sensations that could be experienced by all the cells in the community. Our conscious mind experiences these sensations as emotions and also generates emotions which are manifested through the controlled release of regulatory signals by the nervous system.

Making up your mind to heal

Candace Pert in 'Molecules of emotion' established that the 'mind' was not focused in the head but was distributed via signal molecules to the whole body. Her work emphasized that emotions were not only derived through a feedback of the body's environmental information. Through self-consciousness, the mind can use the brain to generate 'molecules of emotion' and override the system. In other words she has proved that a mind can heal a body or make it ill. The ever expanding brain responds to an ever widening range of stimuli combining simple sensations into higher levels of complexity. The organism now not only relies on instincts but on life experiences.

It is now known through her studies; that clusters of 'information receptors are located all over the body, significantly around the entry points of the five senses, i.e. eyes, nose, mouth, ears and skin. These receptors are programmed to receive and bind with specific transmitters of information; the chemicals coursing through our bodies as we experience different emotions. As the transmitters and receptors bind, they set off a chain reaction and our cells begin to change. The modifications to the cells are completely different when we are sad from those that occur when we are happy. So, the more good emotions we have, the better memories or bodies have.

Also, through the conditioned learned process – smell food and salivate – neural pathways become hardwired to ensure a repetitive pattern. These are subconscious habits. The conscious mind is self-reflective, observing its own behaviors and emotions. It also has access to most of the information in our memory bank, thus allowing us to consider our history when planning the future. It can evaluate any programmed behavior and consciously decide to change the program. We can actively choose which environmental signals to respond to and how.

This capacity to override the subconscious is free will. We can also perceive from others and if we accept these perceptions as truths, they become hardwired into our brains. Sometimes these are misperceptions which can habitually engage us in inappropriate or limiting behaviors. E.g. see mouse – scream. Inaccurate perceptions can control us and spoil our lives as the subconscious mind is powerful, but we do have the capacity to consciously evaluate our responses to environmental stimuli and change them.

Take note of the hardwiring you have done in your brain. Can you, for instance, sit still and contemplate nature – or do you have to run to the computer, cell phone or television the moment you have free time? Do you become more and more inflexible in your beliefs, shutting out new information?

When cells receive conflicting signals, the central nervous system overrides the less dangerous signal by releasing adrenaline, making you ready for action to fight or flee. See Rob Williams 'PSYCH K' (energy based psychological system)

We do not only remember experiences in our head, but in our bodies as well. Think about an incident that made you angry. Relive it and notice how your body heats up, your breathing accelerates and your muscles tense – now remember a glorious sunset, or sexual experience... and feel how your body feels. You can create the right state of mind for having a more fun life!

You can get high on flirting; scientific studies were made in 1999 with people who flirted. It was discovered that after a flirting encounter, their blood had considerably increased levels of endorphins, immunoglobulin, white blood cells, opiates and other natural immune-boosting chemicals.

We literally boost our immune system by the way we think. In another experiment children were asked to imagine their white blood cells were policemen gobbling up baddies in their bloodstream – their white blood cell count actually went up!

What you can imagine you can achieve, whether it is increased blood flow or a slower heart beat or lower blood pressure. If loving thoughts and moods can increase antibody production, imagine what you are doing when we are emotionally negative. Laughter is the body's good time drug. Every time you laugh you are releasing opiates and endorphins and creating positive cell memory.

### Chapter 33

### The placebo effect

The placebo effect is much stronger than most people realize. A lot of research has been done on the effect. The placebo effect is something generated by the mind through what it believes about something – a 'truth' is accepted by the subconscious and reacted upon. (Greenberg 2003)

An interesting experiment was set up with students: If you believe you have consumed a number of alcoholic drinks, and the experiment was done in the right setting like a pub, with others imbibing alcohol around you, you will become intoxicated and act in just as intoxicated manner as those who have been drinking.

People who believe they have been exposed to poison ivy develop rashes. Experiments that have been conducted on fake and real medicine show that between 60 and 90% of real medicine rely on their effectiveness to some extent on the placebo effect. The placebo effect works also when you give someone the facts and figures about the calories that they burn while doing different physical things – they become trimmer and their blood pressure goes down.

Fake drugs mostly prove as effective as the pharmaceutical equivalent. Studies by Mosely in 2002 have shown that surgery is as effective on people who believe they have been operated upon as with those who have been operated on. People who have had fake knee operations have become well. The placebo effect is powerful in treating Asthma, Parkinson's disease and depression. Studies have also shown that even when people know they are getting a placebo it still works.

Professor Irving Kirch found that up to 80% of the effect of antidepressants can be ascribed to the placebo effect. In more than half of clinical trials for the six leading antidepressants, the drugs did not outperform the placebo. Patients on a placebo for depression may even get the side effects of the real drug. Marketing also plays a role with drugs – what people believe they are getting, works.

The power of negative beliefs can be just as strong as positive ones– once Dr. Mason knew he was dealing with an incurable disease; he could no longer cure his skin disease patients as before. People have died of cancer when they have had negligible symptoms, whereas others that should have died did not.

People walk across hot coals without getting burnt. Your body adapts to the beliefs the mind holds. You can filter your life with rose colored beliefs that will help your body grow, or you can use a dark filter that makes your body and mind susceptible to disease. You can live a life of fear, or a life of love. Learning to harness your mind to promote growth is the secret of life. Your thoughts are powerful, as they are what you act upon. Your actions turn into habits which dictate your life.

Stressors impact health

Cells that gravitate to a life-sustaining signal, such as nutrients, characterize a growth response; moving away from threatening signals, such as toxins, characterizes a protection response. Humans restrict their growth behaviors when they shift into protective mode, as energy is needed for fight or flight reactions.

Eliminating stressors puts you in a neutral position. Actively seeking a loving, joyful and fulfilling life stimulates the growth process. In a stress response, stress hormones restrict blood to the digestive system and send it to arms and legs. The immune system protects us from threats inside our bodies. When it is mobilized it consumes much of the body's energy supply. When the adrenal system HPA (hypothalamus-pituitary-hormonal) is activated, the immune system is suppressed. Blood to the forebrain is also suppressed as the automatic reflexes of the hindbrain are faster. When you are frightened, you are dumber. Exam stress paralyzes.

However, the protection system is not designed to be continuously activated. Today, threats are not always immediate or real; a myriad of unresolved worries about our personal lives, jobs and the state of the world can activate the HPA axis, resulting in chronically elevated stress hormones. This is physically fatiguing. A hyper-vigilant lifestyle can severely impact our health.

New insight on depression

Science magazine 2003: Depressed people show a lack of cell division in the hippocampus, the part of the brain involved in memory, challenging the theory that clinical depression is simply due to low serotonin levels. More researchers are pointing to the inhibition of neuronal growth by stress hormones as the source of depression. Depression is caused when the brain's stress machinery goes into overdrive. Chronic stress is debilitating. Fear of the future can undermine the quality of our life. One should examine where your fears come from and whether they are necessary or real. If we can master our fears, we master our lives. Letting go of our fears is the first step toward creating a fuller, more satisfying life. As president Roosevelt said: 'We have nothing to fear but fear.'

Pain control

Every now and then one comes across instances of people, who with years of experience in hypnosis and self-hypnosis can control their heartbeat, their blood flow, pain, blood pressure or whatever.

An example is Victor Rausch, who with self- hypnosis underwent a gall bladder operation which took an hour and a quarter, completely without anesthetic. He could control his blood flow at the same time and chatted while the operation was in progress. He was back at his office in ten days' time.

If you want to get rid of pain, it is best to sort causes, treatment and expectations out with a conventional doctor first. When you have had a proper diagnosis, you can sort out pain which serves no further purpose than telling your body that something is wrong

Getting rid of pain is a skill that anybody can learn, and which is useful with back pain, migraines, arthritis or other chronic diseases or injuries. It is only with time and practice that you become exceptionally skilled, but your pain will be positively changed from the first few sessions. You are using your prefrontal cortex to override your emotional brain. If you have had chronic pain for some time, it may take a little longer. At first, relief may only last a short while, with time longer.

Remember, it is from within our own mind and body that the power of pain relief is found. Remember feeling better instantly as a child when Mom kissed it better? You believed her and were distracted by her attention from the pain. Now you can distract yourself and believe yourself.

Self-hypnosis is effective with any type of pain, whether it is mental, psychological, physical, and sensory (throbbing, stabbing, dull aching). The mind is throughout the body. Once you know there is something you can do to help yourself, you can regain hope and take action. If you suffer from chronic pain, you can begin by bringing your pain level down a few notches.

A good place to start is first thing in the morning. You will sort out night time discomfort and program yourself for the day. Reinforcement sessions can also be done during the day.

The great hypnotist, Milton Erickson, suffered a great deal of physical pain. He was paralyzed from polio. At first he could move only his eyes. He managed to teach himself upper body movement by finding memories for how he moved before his illness. He mentally practiced for hours, before even getting a muscle twitch. He alleviated his pain every morning by practicing hypnotism each morning for three quarters of an hour.

If you are in too much pain to practice, wait for a little subsidence, for instance when in heat therapy. Once you are familiar with self-hypnosis, you will find it easier and can use post hypnotic cues to relieve some of the pain later. Relaxation is the initial goal, but if the pain is too present, focusing on the pain may be the most direct assault to change its intensity. Examine it thoroughly, describe it to yourself and use analogies for it, liken it to an object and color it, perhaps water leaking away when the pain recedes, or you can picture an elephant playing with the water and so dispersing it. Incorporate deep and regular breathing with your imaging. Imagine a tiny portion of the pain escaping with each breath you expel. See some of it coming back when you inhale again, but then it will escape again.

What you are doing is controlling the pain. You can recall it or send it away. The more vividly you can imagine your pain, even as far as texture and taste is concerned, the more control you will have over it.

Be patient and continue to practice. Once you have varied the pain a little, you know you have demonstrated control. If you can do a tiny amount, you can increase the amount.

Pain is an indispensable protective system which notifies and guides you with injury or disease. When correct diagnosis and treatment has been supplied and your position has been accepted, you can take over and make progress.

More pain relief strategies

Acute pain that comes and goes, like migraines, headaches or arthritis are best dealt with in advance. When you relax into a trance state, clench and release your muscles from your toes, all around your body with each inhalation and exhalation. Give yourself post-hypnotic cues as they are good help mates for the onset of stress and tension. A cue can be saying to yourself that when you clench your fists tightly, the pain will go when you release them. Or, you can shrug your shoulders and the pain will go with their release.

Another technique for headaches is to think of your feet, legs, arms and hands becoming very warm. You are mentally directing your blood flow away from your head.

When you are already in pain, acknowledge it, and focus on relaxing your mind and body, and mentally exploring the parts of your body that is not in pain. You can compare the two feeling states and mentally shift some of the pain over – feel it spreading but diminishing in intensity. Then mentally see all the pain moving over and out of your body. This may take some time to accomplish, so relax into it.

Have you ever noticed that when you stub your toe the pain in your head goes away? It happened because you became distracted from you consciousness of pain. You can use this by focusing on parts of your body that are well. When you take comfort in a part of you that is well, those feelings will yield comfort to the parts that don't feel well.

Time distortion happens when we are so focused on a pleasurable experience that a few hours feels like no time at all. 'Gone with the wind' is a very long film, but one can become absorbed to the point of not feeling the discomfort of sitting still for so much time. Unbearable pain can be handed over to the background when you recall a wonderful time with a loved one, or if you like travelling, envisioning a pleasurable trip. Feel the weather, see the flowers, and hear the bells. Imagine what you would like to do there.

### Chapter 34

### Spirit, soul, essence, mind

Look at this fairly well known quote: Someone remarks to a sage that when he looks inside himself he cannot see his essential 'self'. The sage replies: 'Who is doing the looking?'

The words 'soul, spirit, mind, essence' all come down to two things: One, they refer to our intuitive sense of a not fully comprehended dimension to our being, and two, because they are incorporeal, they continue after the demise of the body with its physical brain.

As the word 'spirit' is traditional let's go with that, keeping in mind that we are talking about a state of mind and an approach to life.

Spirit

To live with and have a sense of spirit is not the same as being religious. Many religious people are not spiritual.

There are many conceptions of what spirit may entail. Biologically speaking, it may be called mind that stands apart from and is aware of the brain's processes, or it may be called the prefrontal cortex, specifically the right temporal lobe entwined with the emotions from the hypothalamus and basal ganglia. The seat of the spirit is sometimes called the pituitary gland. Spirit is sometimes said to be the energy in the atoms of the molecules of the cells in living beings, including humans.

But spirit can also be the awareness of the majesty of nature. It can be the wonder of a new born, or the colors of a fiery sunset, the patterns in the basal petals of a daisy, or the exuberance in the sound of the ocean – that which inspires you with awe and lifts you up.

Something about intuition encapsulates spirit. When you realize you've just come through a crossroad in your life and taken the right direction; that feels like encountering spirit. Or you climb on a bus because something unidentifiable whispers in your ear, and meet up with a long lost cousin. You feel it when you realize that what is in your way is not a roadblock, but a street sign.

Spirit lies in the everyday which, in the final analysis shapes your life. If you live with spirit, that inner conviction of your path on the ground, or that star you are tracking, then you are doing okay.

A way to find spirit is to become still until you are in a state of effortless being, a state of non-attachment and present moment awareness. You become one with the universe. Meditation is not only a way to become calm and unwind. It brings you a little closer to soulful living.

Meditation

The psychologist Jon Kabat-Zinn experimented with a meditation course for workers in a corporation. The results were remarkable: Within 4 months the participants were strikingly happier. It was also found that after flu jabs at the end of the course, those who had participated developed a much stronger immunity to flu.

During meditation there are changes in heart beat rate and hormonal balance as well as EEG happiness readings. What was remarkable with this experiment was that the effects lasted so long. It appears we can liberate the positive force within us by dropping our negative self-perceptions. In meditation, you focus your mind on contemplating something, for instance your breath, while sitting or lying completely still and comfortably. When observed calmly, your breath becomes regular and you relax. Disturbing thoughts and physical discomfort are ignored.

Buddhism

Buddhists believe that the aim of life is happiness and the avoidance of suffering. They address cravings and negative thoughts and encourage friendliness and positive emotions. Physiologically, we know that simply smiling improves people's hormones.

I would like to interject here: We were talking about change and growth when discussing goals and success. These are terms that are fashionable but the ideas have to be seen in context of what human beings are like. Humans are often designed to resist change and seek stability. Living systems guard their boundaries. Deep psychological change is difficult, so we must move with care. If we phrase everything in a positive term, the very notion of positivity loses its meaning. Our inner complexity sometimes just requires synthesis and balance. As Miles Davis once said, sometimes you have to play just one note. Buddhists generally understand this.

Buddhists are also encouraged to be compassionate. It has been said that you get more from life if you try to do good than if you try to do well. Cognitive therapy as well as ancient Buddhism says that a good test of your state of mind is to compare your number of positive and negative thoughts.

Buddhists use the technique of meditation to develop positive thinking as it puts you in a calm state of mind. You can address negative states when you are calm. A range of objects can be contemplated with detachment and compassion. Compassion towards yourself and self-acceptance are the first steps. A central aspect of Buddhism is the concept that all feelings of joy and physical pain are observed to fluctuate. We are like a wave in the sea. The sea is eternal and the wave is just its present form.

Feeling part of a greater whole gives meaning to life. We can experience great happiness, provided we do not want everything on our own terms, and even when things are not exactly as we want them. The goal is not self-realization but a harmonious relation to the world around us. Buddhism is essentially a psychological practice and Buddhists do not rely on a belief in God.

The mystical tradition

Christians, Jews and Muslims believe in a God who either made the universe or at least sustains it. There is an inclination to admonish. The means by which one can reach a state of serenity and loving kindness is less clear. They promise salvation if the tenets are followed, and their key tool is thankfulness. They do believe that there is an inner divine force.

Being religious is a way of living with spirit, and belief in God seems to be good for happiness. It provides comfort and the feeling of protection. It also provides guidelines for living. The difficulty with movements that have been highly successful in the past is that it begets 'saviors' whose aims are 'enterprise' rather than salvation. When following a religion which is dualistic – you are good or evil, and you go to hell or heaven – one needs to be careful of limited thinking, which the fear of going to hell if you veer off preset doctrines can encourage.

Does living with spirit bring happiness?

Some people say it is the only way to be truly happy. There is the sense you get that the way you feel is pure, without deceit, even self-deceit. And what you are doing is true in the sense of being valid. It relaxes you to your inner being. You are following your star, you are on your path and all is well with the world.

If you are the type of person who cannot commit to anything that is not material, there are psychological approaches to having a sense of balance in your life. It is another way of exploring the inner realm in order to gain a sense of peace and happiness.

When we don't have a scientific explanation for something, we tend to rely on supernatural explanations. When we have incomplete knowledge of the world around us, it offers us the opportunities to believe in God. Maybe obeying supernatural forces that we have no knowledge of makes it easier for religious forms of belief to emerge.

Spiritual/material

The visions and other supernatural experiences reported by Temporal Epilepsy patients gave cause for researchers to examine the temporal area of the brain. From the studies completed on this portion of the brain arose the idea of what researchers are calling the 'God Spot,' the part of the brain where religion arises from. The researchers said their findings support the idea that the brain has evolved to be sensitive to any form of belief that improves the chances of survival.

Michael Persinger created a helmet which, with the aid of electrodes explored visions that can be experienced when connected to this area of the brain. This gave rise to questioning the religious experiences of mystics like Joan of Arc and St. Paul. In my mind the origin of such experiences are not an issue - material or energetic, it is the same. It is the consequences that matter.

More experiments were done by Andrew Newberg. He injected radioactive isotope into Buddhists at the point at which they achieved meditative nirvana, and captured the effects on the brain. This led researchers to identify the parietal lobes as key in this transcendental state.

### Chapter 35

### Mind guiding brain

Feelings of lethargy increase when we sit doing nothing, watching television or reading for too long. When you recognize that a part of your lack of will is due to inactivity, and you begin to get up early, do something physical like jog to work, gym or housework, you sense that you are taking control over yourself and your life. You can change yourself in any way you want if you recognize this.

In order to rise above the confusion of desires and anxieties that seem to constitute the warp and weft of human life you need to recognize the flow of nature in you and relax. When you think you cannot do something, do not allow your mind to be worried and confused by misconceptions - exercise detachment. You can do this through meditation. Here are more in depth ways of utilizing forces that work towards health, insight and fulfillment in your life.

Meditation

The way to rise up is to become still inside, get clarity through meditation, and then change what you want to change for the better. Meditation serves as a guide to center yourself periodically, so that you can continue with renewed focus.

There is nothing mystifying about meditation. The secret is to calm your mind by relaxing it from the beta state, your normal everyday state, into the alpha state where your brain rhythm cycles are slower. The alpha state is ideal because it involves a heightened state of awareness which is effective in meditation and hypnosis. You can meditate or practice self-hypnosis (relaxing more deeply for more effective visualization) to help you imagine yourself towards a more likable, or attractive, or capable state. What you are doing is imprinting what you are visualizing. Repetition reinforces the imprinting and the brain begins to accept that what you want can be accomplished. This makes it easy and pleasurable to follow through.

The usefulness of meditation

The Sufis claim that everything we experience in life is a stepping stone to achieving life's inner purpose; the desire to live, to gain knowledge, to attain power, happiness and peace.

Fear is most probably our most basic emotion, both physically and emotionally. We fear being rejected or hurt, and we cannot love until we have triumphed over fear and trust has been established.

Desire is another basic emotion, stemming from the need for food and shelter and moving on to the desire for regard, esteem and love. It is difficult to achieve a goal if we do not really want it to happen and believe it will happen. Yet, desire is a two edged sword, which can work for the greater good, or can be debased into something harmful.

Resentment and anger can spring from causes such as when we think we do not get the recognition we deserve, or for opposite reasons, such as in self-defense for feeling inadequate in some way. They are destructive emotions which can be resolved through meditation.

The problem with your main aim in life being the avoidance of pain and the attainment of pleasure is that pleasures that have been attained cease to satisfy. We have mentally evolved beyond the point where immediate gratification satisfies. Great unhappiness in modern day life can be avoided if this fact can be internalized. We are not rats that continue to hit spots on their head to increase dopamine induced pleasure.

Not that you should not experience joy, you should. But there is also wonderment, serenity, peace and contentment. We have great creative urge, curiosity and imagination. These are not qualities that will reduce you to boredom if there is no conflict such as drug interference or a dualistic evil versus good mindset. Care should be taken not to reduce life to a simplistic and short sighted black and white effigy.

Who can deny that love is the greatest emotion; to feel intense affection, warmth and fondness for another and to bask in the knowledge that another person (and do not forget an animal) feels that for you, are such rewarding feelings. That is why, by exercising sympathy and understanding towards even the worst behavior, we can only diffuse bad feeling and turn it to good.

Happiness is freedom from fear, desire and anger. We do experience unhappy emotions with regard to others, but it is our reactions to them that have the power to hurt us. We cannot control the behaviors of others, but we can control our own. Our happiness also does not rely on others but can only be created from within us. This is where meditation helps. It clears the mental environment and relaxes us to become aware of what our purer goals are.

It is foolish to try to make others our objects and expect happiness to come from that. When you experience the inner freedom that true happiness brings you become independent and confident. When you are free from what others think or do, you are in charge and at peace with yourself.

We need not only do what we want, but also want what we are doing. It is an attitude of mind. When we strive for success, when we have reached it, there is always another goal to be reached. These may satisfy our curiosity and exercise our imagination, but peace and contentment come with living in harmony with our environment.

We grow when we learn about living in harmony with others. It is difficult being unselfish and caring when you are unhappy. But, we are unhappy when we are at odds; when we are afraid, anxious, resentful, and angry or filled with desire. When we learn to calm our fears and anxieties, resentments and anger, we conquer and become at peace. You can calm yourself physically and mentally through meditation and gain emotional independence as well as using your mind constructively and creatively.

How meditation works

You have to relax both your body and your brain to the alpha state in order to meditate. Your mind, you, directs your brain and your brain instructs your body. If your body is not relaxed, it is difficult for the brain to relax. You need to do away with stress and tension of the whole.

During our everyday life a little stress is not necessarily a bad thing, it is part of our survival mechanism and keeps us vigilant. Modern life, however, can generate high levels of stress and tension, causing chemical changes in the body, in particular the brain. It also weakens the immune system which manifests physically. Think of stomach cramps, headaches and colds and flu.

Stress can be due to work pressure, marriage hostility, a collection of small problems or daily irritants. Feelings of anxiety, low self-esteem, phobias or an inability to cope, poor concentration or memory and depression can all stem from stress and tension.

Daily relaxation of your brain and body can counteract the causes of stress and help you to remain calm. When you are calm, you can take charge of your life instead of being controlled by circumstances. And being calm is the first step towards improving your health and the quality of your life. Meditation can provide a deep level of rest in both a physical and a psychological sense.

You can learn to meditate in a way that will simply let thought pass through your mind and drift away so that your brain and body purely rests, and once you have reached a restful state you can go further, to instruct your brain and body to improve yourself in any way you need. Your brain will be in a receptive state for the direction you give. In time, if you practice regularly, you will expand your awareness, become calmer, and it's likely that as a norm you will be healthier and more relaxed. Meditation can be used to help rid you of drug addiction, over eating, phobias, obsessions - anything that bothers you.

Meditation, because it has to do with the mind, has another dimension. Many people nowadays do not believe in the concept of God as an entity or superhuman anymore. God as an entity is being relocated to the realm of fairy tales. This does not negate a spiritual side to the human trial; otherwise we would not be talking of mind. Man is becoming to accept that he is a part of the energy of the universe and needs to function harmoniously within it.

If you believe, you can ask God to show you and guide you when you meditate. It is a powerful way which will help you. If you do not believe in God, you can simply relax and let your intuitive subconscious take the lead. You can claim power as the center of the self – a relaxed state is a confident state which helps clear a channel for fulfillment. If you are a logical person, meditation will help you develop your intuition and inner listening which operates in the right hemisphere of your brain.

You can use meditation to help you relax deeply by stilling your thoughts, or you can use it dynamically to program your brain through visualization. Hypnotherapists use auto suggestion in the alpha or theta brain rhythms. You can do the same for yourself with your visualizations.

What is visualization?

What is visualization? It is simply using your imagination to form images in your mind of what you want to achieve. In the alpha state it is easier for your brain to focus. In the beta state there are too many distractions. Using the alpha state also produces longer lasting and more impressive results.

The subconscious mind works with images. It cannot distinguish between an actual experience and a vividly imagined one. It only responds to what you believe about the image. That is why habitual negative thinking becomes entrenched and you respond with failure prone emotions. The opposite is true when we picture ourselves as confident and successful. Dependencies, such as overeating, drug and alcohol abuse stem from negative emotions such as fear and need. You need to overcome the source problems in order to fight the dependency better. Visualization helps with this. If you give yourself two 15 minute meditation sessions in a day and follow through for a week you will notice the change.

Take note that willpower does not come into play here, relaxation and imagination does. Why? Try not thinking of a white unicorn for a few minutes... Did willpower triumph?

You can literally remold yourself by visualizing yourself in all sorts of situations. You condition yourself to changing your attitudes, your actions and your feelings.

Watch your reactions to people and situations for a few days. If you do not like what you see, make a list of how you would like to react in such situations, and then use these reactions in visualizations. Follow up with the next unpleasant incident that occurs, and again. You will soon begin to change the way you want to. The upside is that your mastery will be recognized and like a ripple effect bouncing off the side of the pond, come back to you to enhance your life.

If you are a shy person who may feel unconscious hostility through low self –esteem, and feel that you are being viewed critically by others, and that people are generally against you, realize that is why you are introverted, silent and separate from others. Your purpose is then to stop constantly thinking of yourself and the impression you are making. These are habits that can be broken - once you realize that others have their own concerns, and are too busy worrying about the impression they are making to think about you.

However long you have felt inadequate in some way, reprogramming yourself in alpha state does not take that long. Give yourself 3 weeks of regularly visualizing your reactions to different situations as you would want to be, and they will begin to manifest. Once you can rejoice in yourself, you can rejoice in others too.

Relaxation techniques

You will find that when your brain concentrates on your breathing, or on contracting and relaxing different muscles in your body, it stops cavorting around everything else that is happening in your life. It also stops taking note of external distractions such as noise.

Sit comfortably, with a straight and supported back, or lie down in a relaxed straight pose on your back, and listen to yourself breathe for a minute or two. To help you relax further, begin by contracting the muscles in your toes, and then completely relaxing them. Continue to your feet, ankles, calves knees, thighs, belly, chest, fingertips, forearms, elbows, upper arms, neck, face and head. If you are having trouble relaxing, break it down more. Imagine relaxing your organs and your brain. Then imagine yourself floating. You can be floating on a cloud or on the water, or in the air, whatever suits you. And feel how calm it is and how comfortable you are. You should not feel yourself becoming sleepy in alpha. If you do, shake your head slowly from side to side for a moment and it will clear.

Practice relaxation and you will be ready for meditation.

Meditation techniques

Find a quiet place and meditate regularly for the cumulative effect. You can use the aide of a mantra if you like, it does not only help with focus in the same way that breathing does, it will also give you that mystical oriental feeling! Here is one that when repeated over and over builds up good vibration: Om mani padme hum...

When you are relaxed, imagine a scene where you would love to be. Walk to this scene and see everything clearly. Move your mind's eye all around where you are and take note of every detail. If you are out in the open, notice if there are clouds and how they are drifting. Are there veld flowers, butterflies or birds? If you are indoors, is the sun streaming through a window and is it open or closed?

When you are comfortable in your scene, feel if there is a slight breeze. Are there any pleasant smells? How does the area where you are relaxing feel? Can you hear birds? In other words, create an idyllic spot in your mind where you can come to anytime you like. If this is a challenge to you, a little practice will improve your ability. Try imagining biting into a lemon. Is your mouth salivating and puckering up? See? Your brain believes what it is told.

If you want to move to a deeper level of consciousness, you can climb or descend a staircase or elevator to wherever you want to go. Just feel that you are going deeper and deeper with every step, with every level. Say to yourself; one, deeper and deeper, two, deeper and deeper, and so forth. At this stage, if you wanted to use meditation to help you sleep, just tell yourself to let go and fall asleep. It will happen if you don't let thoughts intrude again. Otherwise, go on to what you want to meditate about.

Tell yourself now that you are fully relaxed in mind and body and whenever you want to relax, this is how you will feel; at the same time your inner conscious levels are more aware and alert. Remind yourself that you are in full control.

Now, picture yourself with the disability you want to remove. If it is fear of people you want to remove, see yourself in the same situation being calm and collected. Imagine what you will do in such a situation. Picture the whole sequence clearly, just as you would want it.

If you are ill and want to overcome this illness, see yourself as you are, then watch your immune system attacking this illness. If you do not know precisely how things are done in your body, you can personalize your recovery imagery in any way you want – what you are actually doing is directing your brain to facilitate the recovery. And it follows through.

If it is an achievement you are after, you can visualize that perfect golf swing. See yourself bringing forth the answers that you have stored in your brain for an exam (but take note, telling yourself you'll know all the answers when you've never opened the book, will really stretch your credulity and you have to believe what you want is possible).

If you suffer from overeating, smoking or drinking, remember that sometimes you subconsciously don't want to lose a bad habit. If you are overeating because you feel threatened for some reason as a slim woman or man, you will have difficulty losing weight until you have exorcised the threat. Are you smoking because you do not believe you can cope at work without it? Or drinking because then you would not have to cope?

It is not what happens to you in life that makes the difference. It is how you react to what happens to you. That is why some cancer patients who were diagnosed as incurable get better.

As you may know, cancer cells are weak cells that can only take hold when the person's defenses have become weak through particularly stressful circumstances. Then they begin to multiply. Cancer cells have lost their normal functions, they can only reproduce. If you remain calm and determined, there is every chance that your body will start disposing of them. When you visualize recovery from cancer or any other disease, complete the visualization with a full recovery. See yourself completely healthy.

When you have finished your meditation, count yourself up in your own words. Tell yourself, for instance, that you will count yourself up from 5 to 1, and when you open your eyes you will feel refreshed, alert, healthy and happy. When you get to three, you may wriggle your fingers and toes, and when you get to one, you open your eyes.

Try walking a labyrinth to achieve inner calm and stillness. These maze-like structures offer a single path to the center. Walk slowly and with focus, and you'll find that thoughts dissipate, inner chatter ceases, your mind goes quiet – you are the only one there. By the time you reach the center you have reached a higher state of awareness and a profound sense of serenity.

Erich Fromm, psychologist, when asked for a practical solution to the problems of living, replied: 'Quietness; The experience of stillness. You have to stop in order to be able to change direction'

### Chapter 36

### Resonance

We are biological systems in a world controlled by the physics of nature. Human beings fundamentally consist of atoms just like those that swirl around us. Understanding how we operate biologically and physically, puts us in a position to control and manipulate ourselves and our environment.

When we understand that controlling and manipulating anything only works well when it is done in harmony with and to the benefit of nature, we will move towards having an idyllic world.

Because of electromagnetism, gravity, strong and weak forces, four fundamental forces in nature, we live in conditions of continual oscillation, resonance or dissonance. Resonance affects us every day. We don't think about it because we don't see it and it most certainly doesn't feel like we are vibrating all the time.

The effects are subtle, but you can tell they are there in ways like this: When you walk into a room in excellent spirits - perhaps you have just chatted with someone you are really attracted to – and in the room the people are filled with lethargy and gloom, you come from a place of resonance to a place of dissonance – a mess up of resonance, which will need to be readjusted before you can feel good again.

Intuitively you can read the atmosphere. You can feel whether it would be a good idea to try and change the vibe in the room, or turn around and go somewhere else. Do you have the strength to affect them and not them you, and is it worth it or what you want to do?

When you are in a business meeting rife with disinterest - it is a matter of convention - can you read the situation? Would it not be your place to say anything, and is there an unspoken agreement that everyone is just passing time? Can you raise a diffident hand that will point to sense and resolution? If you are in charge of the meeting, can you enthuse and galvanize a group of people?

There are times when we come across primitive instincts in others. For some reason a total stranger will refuse to give way in the mall or the street, they will also refuse to look you in the eye while shouldering you. The atmosphere is thick with fury, racial hatred or unhappiness. What you are seeing may be a warning look, but what it feels like is almost like a physical blow. This is resonance.

What we often describe as evil, is just as often a person's mind intent on causing harm for selfish purposes, either to gain materially, or relieve pent up hatred or frustration, or often a shut off of emotions through previous trauma.

Reality is not only what we experience through our eyes, or ears or what we taste, smell and feel and within our three dimensional world. These senses, together with our mind are our gateways to what is, or the nature of reality.

Electromagnetic radiation

We don't see it, but everything in the world is in motion; the cells that make up our bodies, the invisible photons in light and the floor you are standing on. Buildings and bridges and earthquakes have their own resonant frequencies, and planet earth does also. Earth resonates with a frequency of about 7.83 Hz - the Schumann resonance (changes are quite normal) (Robert Beck ELF signals effect on Alpha brainwave frequencies).

Electromagnetic radiation is classified into types according to the frequency of the wave; radio waves, microwaves, terahertz radiation, infrared radiation, visible light, ultraviolet light, z-rays and gamma rays. Radio waves are the longest (measuring from adjacent crests to trough) and gamma rays the shortest.

The velocity of radio waves equals the velocity of light. Light is a higher frequency than radio frequencies.

Electromagnetic waves surrounding our planet were manipulated by Nicolai Tesla when he planned to supply the world with free electricity. Tesla understood the superiority of AC electricity to that of DC. He created the Tesla coil which when pulsed close to the Earth's Schumann Resonance can affect the cavity that surrounds the Earth close to the Ionosphere, and according to him can act as a huge storage battery.

We are part of a field of vibrating waves and particles. Resonance happens when one object or force gets in tune with another object or force, or the tendency of a system to oscillate at maximum amplitude at certain frequencies. In other words, it is the science of vibratory frequencies that synchronizes and creates amplifications, whether of sound, energy or force.

What happens when the wineglass shatters in the event of a certain musical note is that the note has the same frequency as the glass and the amplitude causes it to shatter. When vibrations produced by one object align with those of another, they resonate. Food in a microwave cooks because of resonance. When you push a swing out of synch with its frequency, you mess up the resonance.

When things synchronize, they flow. When they don't, they are forced to expend more energy, thus preventing resonance from occurring.

Electromagnetic radiation consists of both wave-like and particle properties. Visible light makes up a small window of these frequencies. Light has a spectrum of frequencies, with the frequencies having different angles of refraction. White light, when passed through a prism, is separated into different frequency waves. Radiation with a frequency in this visible spectrum reflects off of an object and strikes the eye of the observer, resulting in visual perception and imagery. The human brain then processes the reflected frequencies into various shades, hues, and colors.

Light can heal

Light is also used to support healing, the most effective being natural sunlight. People who suffer from winter blues (SAD) use light therapy. The wavelength of natural sunlight is mimicked in order to correct the circadian rhythms. Phototherapy is used to bring about healing from acne, psoriasis, eczema, sleep disorders, or even jet lag. Heliotherapy involves the use of tanning to treat a variety of conditions. Light therapy can have negative effects if used too much.

LEDs speed up healing processes by increasing the energy level within cells. This is remarkable, as energy is our fundamental building block. (See Dr. Harry Whelan, for Healthlink) Dr. Whelan and fellow researchers are working on LED therapy for organ and tissue regeneration, brain tumors, stroke, spinal cord injuries and Parkinson's disease.

Sound resonance

A fascinating type of resonance occurs within the realm of sound. Acoustics is the science of sound, ultrasound and infrasound. Infrasound is simply sound with a frequency that is too low for the human ear to audibly discern. Animals can hear it, and that is why they evacuate areas of earthquakes and volcanic eruptions before they happen. Examples of the occurrences of infrasound are avalanches, tornadoes, turbulence, and earthquakes. Animals hear and use infrasound; whales, elephants, hippos, rhinoceros, giraffes, okapi and alligators. Some migratory birds can orientate themselves by the infrasonic sound made when waves break. Ultrasound is used in animal echolocation, for instance some bats, dolphins, porpoises, orcas and whales, and oilbirds; also sonar and some visually impaired humans.

The auditory cortex in animals using echolocation is much larger than in those that don't. They have specialized primary sensory neurons that can sense and interpret calls. Humans who are blind and adapt use sound waves reflected by nearby objects to determine how close they are to the object, or the size of the object they are moving along. They develop heightened auditory ability and do this by tapping canes or clicking noises.

Acoustic location is the use of sound in general to locate objects, encompassing sonar and echo sounding, such as is used in measuring the distance to the bottom of the ocean.

Scientists have realized they can use the ultrasound used by mosquitoes to attract each other to get rid of them.

Sound is produced by rapid, small pressure changes in a mechanical longitudinal wave. The frequency of a sound wave corresponds to its pitch. Humans have an upper frequency limit of about 19,000 Hz and a lower frequency limit of around 19 Hz.

Acoustic resonance works just like mechanical resonance. Sound vibrations, when matched in resonance create lovely harmonics, but sounds can resonate too loudly, for instance in feedback from a microphone. Sand dunes can 'sing' through sand particles when the wind is in the right direction. Acoustic resonance has been fabricated on roads with bumps in them at various intervals, like outside the town of Lancaster in California, which carries the tune of 'The Lone Ranger' when driven over it.

Sound can heal

The use of sound and resonance to heal the body is probably one of the oldest types of treatment on earth. Many ancient healing traditions use the response of the body to sound and light frequencies as the foundation of their healing. Examples are chanting, rhythmic pounding, and humming, also drumming and pulsating light.

Scientists today are reevaluating the use of sound and light in aligning the body's vibratory frequencies with those of a body vibrating at optimal health.

Dr. Hans Jenny works with sound waves transforming matter into shapes that correspond with the frequency of the sound. He states that sound is the creative principle. (Cymatics)

Jeff Volk, a cymatics expert, claims that these types of experiments reveal universal principles which lend credence to sound therapies. He states that 'cymatherapy' uses specific overlays of frequencies within the human audible range to provide everything from a 'sonic face lift' that tones and tightens the skin while removing toxins, to healing bone chips and ligament tears. He mentions the example where a well-known race horse called Rarely Found, was healed with sound therapy on a torn flexor tendon where other treatments failed.

Music can heal

Studies from the Center for Neuroacoustic Research have shown that the sound vibrations from dolphins, Tibetan bowls and even musical choirs can have a healing effect. Meditators claim that mantras heighten consciousness and bring about a deeper awareness.

Music involves many parts of the brain. Neurologist Oliver Sacks states that singing is important to areas of the brain involved with learning and building memories. He has seen profound changes in people suffering from neurological diseases and in healing of diseases. He says that the right kind of music can unlock someone frozen by Parkinson's disease.

Music that resonates with us can heal, inspire and lift us. In physics, entrainment is the tendency for two oscillating objects to lock into phase, or synchronization, so that they have similar vibrational frequencies. When two systems achieve entrainment, they assume a stability that gradually reduces the expended amounts of energy. In music, there can be entrainment of rhythm, vibration, harmony and tone.

Bio-resonance

Sound is not the only way to use vibrations for enhanced health and wellbeing. Bio-resonance uses electric, magnetic, or electromagnetic fields to cure disease. It involves reactivating the natural resonance of human cells. Magnetic mats pulse electromagnetic energy into the affected areas of the body.

A healer, Julie Motz (Hands of life), who works alongside surgeons in hospitals, states that her bodily energy aligns with that of a patient when she touches them in order to shift the meridians. This suggests that subatomic particles alter the energy flow – she manipulates the life energy of the patient, balancing frequencies and aligning cellular structure back to a normal state.

Color can also influence moods and is used to provide therapeutic benefits. Each color has a different light frequency, but little is known about how it influences the brain.

Radio waves are not only being used to help achieve optimal health, but also to fight ageing. Capacitive radiofrequency (CRF) delivering concentrated radio waves are used to tighten facial and body muscles. It heats the collagen layers beneath the skin and stimulates regrowth. Ulthera, Thermage and Fraxl are treatments used. In all these treatments, the operator has to understand what he or she is working with.

Brain function healing

People who study consciousness and the human body suggest that acoustic resonance can influence the functioning of the brain as well as the body's organs and cells. Think of 'the singing bowls' used by Tibetan monks in aid of meditation.

Neurons in the brain continuously reassemble, allowing for a continuously variable state of consciousness. The nature of consciousness is associated with the degree of consciousness present and the number of neurons in the brain actively assembled in a synchronized state. Quantum particles behave just like various materials vibrating on a metal plate forming patterns and shapes (motion influencing form influenced by periodicity)

Brain wave synchronization is the entrainment of the brain's wave frequency with that of an outside stimulus. There are a variety of brainwave synchronization techniques available that can have beneficial effects on individuals, such as classical neurofeedback or learning meditation.

Mind machines are devices that use pulsing rhythmic sound and/or flashing light to induce deep states of relaxation, concentration, or altered states of consciousness, likened to meditation or shamanic exploration.

Binaural (both ears, combining different sound into each ear) beats that are heard at low frequencies are characteristic of the EEG spectrum. Research has shown that changes in consciousness associated with binaural beats do actually occur.

### Chapter 37

### Surfing Life

Energy cannot be created or destroyed. The smallest particle in the human body is the atom. If you examine the atom you go into the realm of quantum physics where you get swirling vortices of energy. Atoms make up molecules, and molecules make up cells. So, in fact we are in essence beings made up of energy. Our physical properties are the result of light reflecting off of our plus minus 50 trillion cells.

Energy does the moving and thinking. And it moves and thinks to adapt to circumstances around it. It creates or destroys according to its environment. Your energetic thoughts direct your life and our communities of thought direct our lives on earth.

Brain power

We do not always have to be consciously self-aware to think, act and react. We are deeply influenced by perceptions, thoughts, feelings and desires about which we have no awareness. Much of what we do comes from our subconscious. It frees the conscious mind to focus on more interesting things.

The brain stores an unending stream of information and memories, and not everything is stored in only specific locations of the brain. Karl Pribram researched memory by cutting various parts of rats' brains out. He tested them afterwards in a maze, and discovered that they could still remember their way around. This happened no matter which part of the brain was removed. Surprisingly, even removing the temporal lobe led to no loss of memory. This indicates that memory is spread throughout the brain, and even the body.

The biological system, or mind and body cannot always distinguish between what is real (material) versus conjured up images of reality, even dreams are sometimes perceived as reality. Simon Berkovitz studied the brain as a storage unit and came to the conclusion that the brain can be likened to a terminal at the 'Internet of the physical universe.'

Sometimes the mind knows better, but part of it still reacts to virtual reality, processing incoming information in the same way.

One of the most basic facts in the field of neuroscience is that nerve cells in the brain that fire together, wire together, meaning that once you do something there is a group of neurons that form a network to respond to what you are doing. If you only do it once, that network vanishes, but if you do it again and again, a 'track' is carved in the brain as fine, stringy dendrites spread out like a web and connect with other dendrites, creating a stronger connection in the neural pathways. Until you make that new action a regular part of the brain's neural track, that new action may just disappear and leave no record. We learn this way.

It all comes down to neural connections - of neuroplasticity, which also drive memory, and even in someone with only half a brain, these functions can be spread out enough over the pathways of the brain to make up for the lost half. Every new experience causes new chemical changes within the brain, and when those experiences repeat themselves, they become a part of our general perception of life around us.

Sometimes brain damage can lead to amazing insight about the brain. A brain scientist, Jill Bolte Taylor, suffered a stroke when a blood vessel on the left side of her head exploded. She recorded in a book she wrote about her experience, how she felt the literal and rational left side of her brain losing its functions, and how at the same time her right side took over, making her have euphoric senses of wellbeing, peace and of being one with the universe. She came out of the experience with a newfound sense of her own connection to spirituality. She began working on a virtual reality system to help other stroke survivors use 'visually directed intention' to neurologically rehabilitate them.

Some scientists feel that the right brain should be cultivated, as it is the center of design and 'symphony', meaning that it has the ability to connect the dots, combine disparate things into something new and see the big picture, things computers cannot do well.

A healthy human being's brain recognizes what is, but also imagines what can be. Dysfunction occurs when a person is either too objective or too subjective, without the middle ground.

Our concepts of mind, free will and spirituality may change if we view the mind as an electromagnetic field, as Professor J. McFadden believes. He says it would solve many intractable problems of consciousness. He states that consciousness encompasses language, creativity, emotions, spirituality, logical deduction, mental arithmetic, and our sense of fairness, truth and ethics. But what is it made of? Professor McFadden realized that every time a nerve fires, the electrical activity sends a signal to the brain's electromagnetic field. But unlike solitary nerve signals, information that reaches the field is automatically bound together with all the other signals in the brain. The brain's electromagnetic field does the binding that is characteristic of consciousness.

Perhaps the field is consciousness; it does not only take information, but also influences behavior and action, and governs which neurons will fire or not fire, resulting in the manifestation of our conscious will in the physical realm. This is not a radical idea, as McFadden states that this concept of information encoded as an electromagnetic field is actually a familiar one, as we are always encoding information from the images and sounds in EM fields that we transmit to our TV and radio sets. (www.surrey.ac.uklqel)

Belief drives behavior

Fear is a potent drive for hysterical belief. Wishful thinking and positive thinking such as affirmations, or negative thinking such as curses, drives the behavior of many cultures. It has a contagious nature, spreading, as people then pattern their mental processes from others. Mood spreads quickly. The brain gives meaning and interpretation to what it sees and hears, filling in the blanks. It is why we tend to see patterns and synchronicities in coincidences and chance encounters.

Nature of reality

In physics, the bizarre nature of reality at the most minute levels is demonstrated by the concept of non-locality. It states that two particles of a complimentary pair can be separated by vast distances; yet still remain in instantaneous communication with one another. One particle may spin vertically, and its paired particle will immediately spin horizontally at the exact same time – they remain in instant communication.

We also know that at the quantum level where particles are waves and particles at the same time until the wave is collapsed and a fixed particle is positioned in time and space, the observer is paramount to the outcome. This state before the wave function collapses can be described as only existing in probability. If the wave is not under current observation it simply remains a wave, expanding throughout the space-time continuum. The particle of that wave can be anywhere until the moment it is observed – and fixed. This information which is shared faster than the speed of light is reminiscent of the thought process.

Pattern seeking brain

We unconsciously filter out most of the information that is available to us. From the tiny amount that filters through, we construct what we expect to perceive. Some of which we don't perceive is psychic phenomena. We are interconnected in ways that transcend the ordinary senses and our everyday notions of space and time. Supernatural belief or nonbelief can trigger the act of pattern-seeking in the brain, where we give more credence to what we want to believe. Cognitive scientists have found that the brain's processes behind our ability to reason and perceive are the same processes involved in belief in religion or the supernatural. The brain makes its own sense of incoming information using patterning. It may also seek a pattern of meaning in the repetition of perceived information.

Connection between minds

There is a mental realm of connectedness between minds, as can be seen in telepathy, especially between twins. Physicist David Bohm describes this mental realm of connectedness as the implicate order that is beneath and in between, and throughout all of manifest reality.

Michael Persinger has shown that ESP occurs more frequently during the state of alpha. Synchronistic phenomena may involve the idea of resonance. Through brain wave resonant effects, identical or similar information may arise in the consciousness of two or more individuals, as with the many premonitions of the Titanic disaster. Non-locality shows that particles can do this. Why not thought? Our sense of being stared at is a human ability and part of our nature, which also demonstrates that attention travels. We are in a field of influence that exists around everything from the cells of our bodies to the entirety of the ecosystem. Within these fields are events and patterns that create memory, or 'morphic resonance' which may explain such things as instinctual behavior.

Hallucinogens

What happens when people take hallucinogens is not a deeper state of conscious reality, but the simple effect on the brain of a chemical - only a subjective shift in the brain's ability to perceive. Our brains have the ability to do this in a healthier way, without external help.

A very subjective element of the supernatural is that people will see what they are culturally, socially, or even emotionally prepared to see, implying that this happens also on a larger collective level, as many people report similar entities and experiences. The brain has trace elements of DMT, a natural hallucinogen which can be generated by various means, such as meditation, stress and sleep disorders.

The infrastructure of reality

In the 1940s, Dutch Physicist Hendrik Casimir proved the existence of the vacuum energy of the Zero Point Field – when metal plates are placed close together, the zero point waves between the plates cause an attraction and disturbance in the equilibrium of the field. There is less energy present between the plates than in the outer empty space. This means that space is filled with energy that is also not static. Physicist Hal Puthoff describes it as an ocean of waves 'that drive the motion of subatomic particles and that all the motion of the particles of the universe in turn generates the Zero Point field, a sort of self-generating feedback loop across the cosmos.'

In other words, the Zero Point Field is the foundation of existence. It is in the nature of subatomic particles and waves to move and form patterns, and incrementally with these actions acquires the knowledge of which patterns work best. In my mind this is how knowledge grows, first by information that is automatically gathered, and then at some points the information, because of repetitive actions, sticks or is remembered. Thereby knowledge grows, which leads to intelligence. It is natural. Lynne McTaggart states the following in her book 'The Zero Point Field', which I think fits in well: 'If all subatomic matter in the world is interacting constantly with this ambient ground-state energy field, the subatomic waves of the Field are constantly imprinting a record of the shape of everything.' This in turn fits in with the idea that such a record of everything is what is accessed by those with psychic or mystic abilities through trances, dream states, meditations and states of consciousness.

The Field explains why our universe is so fine- tuned as to be perfect for the formation of planets and galaxies and life itself. It is the nature of the universe to generate complex systems, such as life. And reality is a never-ending process of change, growth and expansion. Things evolve continuously in search of balance, they don't become perfect, and there is no fixed truth. Through the act of conscious observation, we change the universe. For instance, dualistic monotheistic belief systems were ideologies that came, gave comfort and were powerful, but are falling away, because of new information. And life continues.

Change your view of life

We humans have held a materialistic world-view for a few hundred years now, and are generally blissfully unaware of the larger picture of our reality, that we are part and parcel of all manner of energy, waves and particles, and that intelligence permeates this order, and that as such we can influence the outcome of our perception.

We are enslaved to a consensus perception of reality that is difficult to break out of. But there are ways that you can prove to yourself that you are part of an energy field, and as such can also influence it. There is a simple experiment you can do with a radiometer, an instrument that looks like a light bulb with a movable vane suspended inside a near vacuum. Put the radiometer on a flat, stable surface under a light source. You will see a whirring movement. You can stop this movement with your mind if you calm and quiet you mind and body and focus on the spinning vane. The vane should slow down, and perhaps even stop. This is the power of intention linked to the law of attraction that is talked about in 'The Secret'. But it really is conscious focus reacting on the vibratory object.

Balancing health

There are healing modality references that refer to the mapping out of physical points of energy and flow in the body. They are the acupressure points and meridians such as the chakras. They serve as ley lines of the body, directing energy and power, and they require balance for optimal health and well-being. More and more credence is being given to them in the western world as we discover through physics their underlying weight. They work because they can balance and harmonize the vibratory nature of our often disharmonious reality.

Body, mind and spirit have been proven to change through the use of light, sound, and other means.

Weird physics

The Physicist Michio Kaku says: 'In physics, that which is not forbidden is mandatory. If you want to forbid some bizarre phenomenon, you have to kill it by showing that a law of physics prevents it.'

Many studies into telepathy, consciousness, and mental coherence (see Russel Targ, Charles Tart, Dean Radin, William Braud, Ervin Lazlo, Roger smith, Helmut Schmidt) show a distinct connectivity between people, even when they are not in the same room. Random Event Generators (REGs), many of which studies were conducted by Princeton Engineering Anomalies Research laboratory (PEAR), indicate distinct influence of collective thought and intention on inanimate machines. These machines reflect collective distress, such as the September 11th twin tower disaster, through fluctuations in electromagnetic noise in the machines. Quantum entanglement and reaction occurs between two people or two million people. Our thoughts and emotions have energy which is transferable and recordable. Thought suggestion is rampant. It can be seen in many events which cluster, and are part of pattern seeking.

Charles Tart demonstrated empathy between people who can feel each other's pain when one is administered an electric shock. William Braud also proved that people can remotely influence others mentally and physically. The Ganzfeld protocol experiment eliminates all sensory input but demonstrates connection. The brain-waves of two people in separate rooms synchronize when asked to sense each other's presence. The brain of each of the pair becomes less highly tuned to their own separate information and more receptive to that of the other. Indications are that animals show the same synchronization abilities, which makes perfect sense in physics. According to Edward Mitchel in 'The way of the explorer: 'Because the rules of quantum theory are supposed to apply to all matter, not just subatomic matter, by extension of this iniquitous, interconnected 'resonance', the suggestion is that all nature is in some sense wavelike, field like, and mind like in a way that isn't fully understood.

Mind shapes what is perceived

Thoughts have power to create (read 'What the bleeb do we know'). Consciousness can collapse the wave function. Our thought is what drives it to do so in a particular way, depending on the vibratory nature of our intention. You can create through intention, once you are conscious enough and you learn how to use your intentionality. First understand that thought has a frequency that permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe. The vibrations of mental forces are the finest and most powerful in existence. They are one with Universal Intelligence. Mind shapes what is perceived. We attract or repel in the thought atmosphere that surrounds us. We are expressing ourselves on a material plane. Nature is open-ended, intelligent and purposeful, making use of a cohesive learning feedback process of information being fed back and forth between organisms and their environment. (McTaggert)

One of the greatest teachings in this is that you will always get what you don't want if that is what you focus on. You need to shift your thoughts and frequency in order to get what you want. Our lives are the culmination of the resonant energy we send out. Resonance works in music, mechanics, science and nature.

Simplest hypothesis

The rule of Occam's razor states that when several hypotheses are offered to explain a phenomenon, the simplest hypothesis that account for most of the observations is the most likely hypothesis and should be considered first. Therefore, if the behavior of protein in the cells (consisting of atoms) in our body are governed by the stimuli in their environment, and environment consisting of energetic atoms is universal, we are energetic beings interacting with the universe.

If a protein did not have a complementary signal to couple with, it would not function. Every protein in our bodies is a physical/electromagnetic complement to something in the environment. We are made in the image of the universe.

Immortality of cell energy

On the surface of our cells are identity receptors, which give each of us our unique identity. Some of these, the self-receptors or human leukocyte antigens, are related to the functions of the immune system. If you donate a kidney, the closer your set of self-receptors are to that of the receiver, the less aggressive the rejection reaction to that organ would be. Scientists have never found two humans who are 100% identical.

Psychological and behavioral memory makes sense if you realize that the transplanted organs still bear the original identity receptors of the donor and are apparently still downloading the same environmental information, even though the person who donated the organ may be dead. This demonstrates the immortality of cell energy, and as we know, energy cannot be created or destroyed. Also, consider the idea of reincarnation; the cluster of energetic atoms, with their memories, persists after the death of a body – they can go somewhere together just as easily as dissipate. Personally I think it would only be natural for them to interact with their own familiar part of the environment, each other, at least for as long as it is beneficial to them.

Fractal nature

We change the environment simply by being here. In the course of our lives, what we do alters the environment. The way you live your life also influences the character of your being. That is why it will be good to take heed of the way you live your life, as the consequences of our lives last longer than this life.

Geometry is a mathematical assessment of the way in which different parts of something fit together in relation to each other. Until 1975 we only used Euclidian geometry, which deals adequately with cubes, triangles and circles, but not with more irregular structures as in nature. Benoit Mandlebrot launched the field of fractal geometry which forces us to deal with shapes that are irregular and have more than three dimensions. It has a simple base, as you need only one equation working with multiplication and addition. The challenge is that equations may be repeated millions of times in order to visualize the fractal pattern.

The repetitive patterns in nature are not simply coincidence. Mathematical studies have found that fractal geometry is the best way to get the most surface area in a three dimensional space. This echoes the arrangement of proteins packed on a cell membrane. They cannot be packed on top of each other, as the cell's membrane is tightly defined by the thickness of the phospholipid layer, so the cell's surface becomes bigger when it becomes more aware.

Evolution is the story of ascension to higher awareness. The receptor-effector complex in the cell membrane is the fundamental unit of awareness, consequently, the more receptor-effector proteins an organism possesses, the more awareness it can have and the higher it is on the evolutionary ladder. Therefore, repeating patterns in nature are a necessity, not coincidence. It is good to remember that despite our modern-day angst about a world that is being affected by ignorant behavior, there is order in nature. Nature's evolutionary fractal patterns will figure out how to climb another rung in the evolutionary ladder. There is no accident, randomness or lack of planning in nature.

At the human stage in evolution, our bodies work perfectly as a group of 50 trillion individuals living in a community. The next step would be how a globe of humans can live happily in community. It will come with the realization that it is in our interest to live in a way that supports everyone and everything on the planet. Ideological control is not part of this system. This is perhaps the most insidious and violent system man has invented, where constituents and members are prodded to deal with non-believers and dissenters. This is neither necessary nor inherent in nature and shows only ignorance and limited belief.

### Afterword

### Self-aware

We have seen that in comparison to many other animals on earth our perceptions are very limited. There is also incontrovertible proof that we are not aware or some aspects of nature in our daily lives. Electromagnetism influences our health, and there are atomic thought forms coursing through the air that we somehow pick up subliminally. We call it intuition.

Physics has progressed into an alien realm, one in which we are getting a glimpse that life is much more than we ever imagined. Do we want to go there? Is the life that we know not enough to deal with? Humans are afraid of the unknown. And yet we were born with an incurable sense of curiosity.

Philosophers have since time immemorial struggled with the big question: Why are we here? We are nearing the answer. And the answer, with all its complexity, has such a simple core: We are nature - we are an intrinsic part of nature and nature evolves naturally.

That said, nature has evolved in many subtle ways that we have no inkling of as yet. In our earthbound human forms we are primitive in the big scheme of things. But we sense that there is more. We sense it in greatness. When one of us excels in an area of expertise we stand in awe. Our eyes well up with emotion and wonderment. How did he do that? Where did she get that from?

Why is it that a subject like mathematics can be called an art form? It is because math is one of the natural expressions of nature. It evolves like nature because it follows the same pattern forming pathways. It copies nature.

In our conscious minds on earth we are primitive creatures learning the steps toward greatness, but our eternal essential beings are connected through the laws of physics to everything. We are mass and energy.

If you are thinking about the difficult times in your life and feel slightly apprehensive about having an everlasting energy form, let this cheer you up: every life experience you have, if you are capable of learning and can learn from your mistakes, brings you closer to a blissful state of being. You leave your material possessions behind when you die, but you take the riches of your experience and knowledge that you gained in this life with you.

This brings us back to taking shortcuts and why they don't work. It is an eternal thing. You, as part of nature, make eternal evolving patterns, and shortcuts bring you back to where you started off. This is not worth giving up about - humans like to experiment. Even if you give up temporarily, you can rest, and try again when you are ready. We have time to experiment in. You will reach towards your star when you feel ready to, even if it takes striving.

Our essence is aware of more than our conscious mind is. It cannot be forced into consciousness, but it can be coaxed; feed it and it will blossom. Feed it with beauty; with beautiful sights, sounds, tastes and feelings. Feed it with inner truths. If you do this you will acquire serenity and with serenity you can gain insight into the reality of life.

Ends

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### About Estelle Hough

I live on a smallholding in South Africa. I have degrees in psychology and literature, and my interests lie in enhancing life for all. You can contact me through my website, or my blog: Through my window.

### Other titles by Estelle Hough

### Thoughts of underwear and other essentials:

_Have a break and laugh a little at life, at someone else's efforts to make head or tail out of it, at choices and their consequences, at grannies, children and pets and people who buy underwear._

### Barry and the old folks

Barry finds clues to a lost inheritance belonging to his grandfather and two aunts - but there are villains who have been searching for the same treasure since the time when the diamond mine of Kolmanskop in Namibia was in operation in the 1920s.

### Connect with Estelle Hough

Visit my Blog: Through my window: _estellehough.wordpress.com_

