ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
Baron Vaughn!
(crowd cheering)
(woofing)
(laughs)
Yes!
Thank you very much
for that accurate response
to my presence.
(laughter)
I appreciate that.
Good to see you.
How you feeling tonight?
(crowd cheering, whooping)
Oh, okay, you're feeling "whoo."
Good to know. Good to know.
Uh, don't worry, by the way.
I'm very funny, uh, you know,
because, uh,
'cause I'm black. (chuckles)
And that is history,
uh, science
and sometimes a curse.
No, I, uh--
people always ask me,
like, where my sense of humor
come from, you know.
And it's because I grew up
in kind of a rough neighborhood
where people had, you know,
knives and guns.
Especially this one guy
we used to call
Stabby Stabby Gunshots.
And when you speak like this
in that neighborhood,
you have to get funny quickly
or you get killed slowly.
'Cause I walk up
to people, like,
"'Perspicacity--'
I saw it in a dictionary."
And, um, had to develop
a sense of humor.
That was middle school for me.
"Mothersnuffer, I will shoot
you until you are stabbed!"
And then I would say,
"Why would you ever
want to shoot me?"
(scatting)
"You're right,
the world needs clowns.
I enjoy your elbows-
while-scatting routine."
Did I say hello
when I came out?
WOMAN:
Yes!
Okay, kind of.
Well, hello, if I didn't
say it before.
I'm trying to find a deeper,
truer meaning
to the word "hello,"
'cause it's a word
that we say so much
that sometimes it feels,
you know, meaningless.
And I was looking it up
online the other night--
and that's how you know
you're alone.
When you... are in bed
alone on the Internet
late at night and you're
 not looking at porn.
Like, you're beyond porn.
You're like, "Well, nothing
left but clips of break-dances
"and, uh, billiards
trick shot videos,
"'cause knowing random things
is the same as a personality,
right, myself?"
And usually in that place,
I'm like,
"What's the opposite of sex?
Education!"
Then I try
to teach myself something.
So, "hello" used
to not be a greeting.
It used to mean
one of two things.
It used to be a call
into the darkness.
"Is anyone there?" you know?
You'd say, "Hello!"
in a forest alone
and hope you didn't hear wolves.
And then the other
was what you said
when you were
surprised by-- "Hello!"
That was the other one.
You weren't expecting someone
there in your face.
Maybe a wolf. "Hello!"
You don't have to say it
like you're in
a local production of
 Bye Bye Birdie, but...
it does help convey the meaning.
And, uh, I love that,
'cause that means
on some deep visceral level,
"hello" really means
"I am scared."
And that's what we're saying
to people all the time.
We have no idea!
That's what we're doing
walking down the street,
"I'm scared, I'm scared.
"Oh, okay,
I got a important phone call.
"Might be my boss.
Hold on real quick.
I'm scared!"
And I love that.
And "good-bye"
used to be "God be with ye."
But we were like,
"I don't have time for that."
Keep half the letters--
much more usable.
And I think we should go back
to "God be with ye,"
because that is
the scariest thing
you can say to someone's face...
right before they exit yours.
You got to balance out
"I'm scared."
Like, next time
someone's like, "I'm leaving,"
don't be like,
"Okay, see ya."
Put on a show!
Turn on some dramatic music
and just go,
"I know not what will happen
when you leave my sight.
"There is much world,
and there are as many knives
"as there are hands of strangers
to wield them against you!
"Terror and fear
are your only true companions
"in this beast's gut
we call existence.
"I'd go with you,
but I just got this couch
"to the perfect degree
of ass warmth...
"and also these
WorldStarHipHop
"bus driver video fights
"aren't going
to watch themselves.
"So, until next I gaze upon
your face,
God be with ye."
(crowd cheers)
(chuckles)
I, uh, really, I haven't
been sleeping enough lately.
Love sleep.
Sleep-- great, right?
Round of applause
for sleep if you love it.
(crowd cheers)
(laughs) Sleep is great.
You're just doing nothing
while your brain defragments.
Being awake is great.
Being awake is awesome, too.
Like, "What? Orgasms and sushi?"
But, like...
it's the transition
I don't care for.
Waking up, right?
Because you are ripped,
ripped out of whatever
your brain was doing
to make you happy.
Usually, I'm in a hot tub
with a successful black actress
while she gives me a backrub
and I make puns on her name.
"They should call you
Meagan Good With Your Hands."
And then...
she looks at me,
and she's like...
(imitates alarm clock beeping)
And I wake up like,
"What? Sushi?"
I'm just willing to wager
that nobody here today
woke up this morning
and said to yourself,
"Oh, my God, that was the exact
amount of rest I needed!
"I'm on time for everything
I need to do today!
"I like you, me,"
to yourself in the mirror.
You walk out the door,
"Off to the place
where no one misunderstands me
called work."
I just hate waking up
more than anything.
It's, like, number one
on my list, waking up.
Number one, number one,
waking up!
Number two is, uh... racism.
It goes: waking up,
then racism--
got priorities--
and then small dogs.
That's really the order. I...
The only thing that could be
worse is waking up to racism,
which is awkward
to say the least.
"What a lovely rest.
"Why is this rope
around my neck?
"Why is there a burning cross
and pugs and Chihuahuas
everywhere?!"
(laughs)
That's how I assume
people find a burning cross.
They kind of wake up to it,
right? Smell it cooking.
"What is that, breakfast?
Nope, just hatred."
'Cause no one ever notices
the workshop of the cross,
guys building it.
No one ever notices the dude
sneaking down the street
in white robes
with a bunch of two-by-fours
just like
a Warner Bros. cartoon.
He's like...
(humming cartoon music)
(makes whooshing sounds)
Oi-oi!
(tapping)
(whooshing, fluttering)
(giggles)
(imitates Elmer Fudd):
"Be very, very quiet.
I'm running for senator."
(chuckles)
I, uh... it's good to be back
in Boston in the east.
I love Boston, yeah!
(crowd cheers)
Is the Boston accent back?
I feel like I heard people
that don't have that accent
using it at the airport.
Like, "How you doing, guy?"
I'm like, "You're a small
Asian five-year-old."
"Yeah, I'm from Needham."
(chuckles)
I love being in Boston.
I love New York.
Some people say
you can't love both. I do.
(chuckles)
But you know the thing
I love the most?
Is, like, I can do this thing
in the East Coast
called walking.
Oh, it's awesome!
Walking around, using my legs
to take me places.
And, uh, I do this thing
when I'm walking around the city
that I should never do.
And no one here
should ever do it,
which is I am constantly
making eye contact
with strangers on the street.
And that's a bad move, because
a lot of East Coast cities
are littered with people
waiting on street corners
to make eye contact
with people.
That's, like, their job.
They clock into Crazy Town...
stand on a corner going,
"Whose reality do I get
to destroy today?"
And I'm walking by,
I hear a noise.
As I'm on my ocular path
to check it out,
boom, eye contact.
And I'm frozen because
the upload has started.
I'm just saying that
if you want to get, you know,
yelled at for absolutely
no reason in this city,
really easy to make that happen,
because the city has
a pretty bad homeless problem.
So does New York.
That's how you know your city
has a lot of homeless people,
when everyone has
a favorite homeless person.
You know, like a guy
that you always give
change and sandwich to, or,
like, a genre of homelessness
that excites you.
Like a kingdom,
a phylum, a class, an order.
And my favorite kind of homeless
people are, like, uh...
crazy, insane, ranty,
"I'm angry at you
for standing next to me
and being all normal,"
because they let you know how
they feel about you right away,
and I appreciate that honesty.
Like, I was on a subway
in New York,
just minding my biz,
beatboxing in my head
like I do.
And there was a homeless dude
standing next to the door with,
you know, a black trash bag,
which I can only assume
is filled with
every decision to get him
to that moment.
So the door opens,
and then a guy comes in
with a fancy camera
around his neck.
Kind of a young hipster,
really cocky.
A camera that says,
"I know a little something
about photography."
He's, like,
polishing off the lens,
and he's like,
"Yeah, they call it a Canon,
'cause everything I shoot's
a smurfin' explosion."
And for some reason,
the homeless dude saw him
and lost it; I don't know why.
He just did not like that this
guy was standing next to him,
and he launched on this tirade.
He's like, "What you doing
with that camera?!
"The picture man!
"Camera taker!
"Taking pictures a camera,
which are like a lens,
"in your darkroom,
"and you're developing photos,
picture man.
"Picture photo camera taker
picture man!"
Then there was, like,
a queue in his head
that said,
"Do something predictable."
And he took out a 40 of
Old English and then...
(crowd cheers)
...chugged it in three gulps.
I have no idea
where it came from.
It materialized,
like the rant was
an incantation.
And it was like,
(imitates dinging)
"I've pleased the gods!"
(glugging)
He made drinking
sound effects, guys.
(laughs)
The only thing I-I like more
than crazy, insane,
ranty homeless people
are, uh, people who
try to reason with
crazy, insane, ranty
homeless people.
Because Camera McGillicuddy
was not gonna be intimidated
by Rants Magnuson McGee,
you know what I'm saying?
He's getting beer spilled
on his jeans and his shoes--
and junes,
where jeans become shoes...
...and his response to that,
he leaned forward
and he goes, "Uh...
"I'll put my camera away
if you put that beer away."
(chuckles)
And he kind of did
that bobblehead,
as if to say, "Checkmate."
(chuckles)
"King me." (chuckles)
And I'm like, "Different games."
And then the homeless dude
said what I was thinking.
He kind of took a pause
and went,
"This isn't Let's Make a Deal!"
Wow.
Homeless and telepathic,
'cause he read
my mothersmurfing mind.
And I love that sentence.
"This isn't Let's Make a Deal."
Two reasons:
first of all, "isn't."
Is not. Clear contraction.
Good grammar, homeless man.
You get a homeless "A."
And then Let's Make a Deal--
that's a very specific
reference to make.
I know there's a new one,
but I know that he meant
the one from the '70s.
And that lets me know
the last time
he had a television, you know?
Like, that's as topical
as he could be,
and I wanted to see what other
random '70s references
he had in his canon, you know?
Just kind of like, "Oh,
I'm supposed to laugh at you?"
'Cause he wouldn't
have been like, "Who am I?
"Horatio Sanz and Jimmy Fallon
in a SNL sketch 2004?"
He would've been more like,
"Who am I supposed to be?
"Harvey Korman
and you're Tim Conway
"on this episode of
 The Carol Burnett Show?
"You're going on some sort of
improvisatory genius.
"I'm trying to hold
my stuff together.
"Doesn't help Vicki Lawrence
is losing her marbles.
"Oh, is this a mystery
I'm supposed to solve?"
'Cause he wouldn't have been
like, "What is this, Fringe?"
He wouldn't have said,
"What is this, X-Files?"
He would've been like,
"Who am I supposed to be?
 "Kolchak : The Night Stalker?
"Yeah, you Darren McGavin mofo.
"He was the father
in A Christmas Story.
"He was also the lead
"in a show called
 Kolchak: The Night Stalker.
"It's sort of the beginning of
"kind of supernatural
sci-fi serial dramas.
"Anyway, I'll run this bitch
like President Carter!
Smoke pellet!"
(chuckles)
He was gone before
I got to give him a dollar.
Round of applause
if you have roommates.
You have roommates in this,
uh, in the audience? Yeah.
(crowd cheers)
Your parents don't count.
Your parents don't count.
(laughter)
I, uh, I lived with a cat once
for nine months.
Um... let me rephrase that.
I lived with a person
that had a cat.
I learned something
very important
when I lived
with this cat. Um...
'Cause my roommate at the time,
uh, quote-unquote "worked,"
and I do this,
so I was at home with the cat
all day, by myself.
Cutie with the kitty.
And, uh...
I learned how somebody becomes
a crazy, insane cat person,
you know?
Like, a person that ceases
to talk to humanity
and has millions of cats.
'Cause I got a taste.
I got a taste of it.
'Cause if you spend enough time
alone with an animal,
at some point,
you will just start
talking to that animal
like it's a person.
And not, like, cutesy,
like, talk,
just, like, matter-of-fact
sentences,
where you're like,
"Perhaps a debate will start."
And at first...
at first, it's a joke.
It's kind of like,
"Hey, cat, what do you think
"about illegal immigration?
Ha-ha!
You can't speak English
or other languages!"
And then one day
you're flipping the channel,
you land on C-SPAN, you're
paying attention, so is the cat.
You're like, "Hey, cat,
what do you think about
this fiscal cliff trillion
dollar coin? Your thoughts?"
And the cat gives you this look
that makes you go... (gasps)
"I should ask
a follow-up question."
And luckily for me,
that's where it ended.
But a lot of people--
way too many people--
ask the follow-up question.
And that's when they find out
they're not politically aligned
with that cat.
Like, that cat is way more
conservative than they thought.
They're like, "Well,
I need to balance this out."
So they go back
to the pet store,
trying to find a cat
that's more of a liberal.
A cat's like,
"Hey, I'm a liberal."
Like, "Great. I need bipartisan
cooperation in my apartment."
So they bring the cat back,
trying have, you know,
a bunch of different debates
about stuff,
and they realize,
through what the cat's saying,
they're not a liberal,
they're a libertarian.
And they're like, "What?
You don't know shit
about (bleep)."
So they go back...
to the pet store,
trying to find, like,
a left-leaning centrist.
Another cat's like,
"Uh, I want to partake
in the political process."
And he's like, "Fine."
So he gets every cat he can see.
And they have their different
political ideologies.
Like, this one's a Whig,
that one's a Federalist,
that one's calico.
And they bring them
back to the apartment...
and start having debates,
you know?
Like, all their different
ideologies, you know,
debating nuclear proliferation,
signing feline legislation
into law.
And...
at some point,
this person has gone insane.
But they don't notice,
'cause they're so focused
being the Speaker of Catgress.
You know what I mean?
Making sure they have
a gavel and
a perfectly powdered wig.
Just like...
(imitates gavel pounding)
"The motion to make
all things scratchable
"has been approved.
"I would now like
to yield the floor
"to the distinguished gentlecat
from South Carolina,
Mr. Dr. Hieronymus
Funnybottoms."
"Yes, thank you, Your Honor.
"It has come to the attention
"of the cats and kittens
of this Catgress you continue
"to consort with humanity.
"Namely, friends and relatives
"that are concerned
for your well-being
"and want to save you
from this insanity.
"I move...
you never talk to people again
"and only speak
in a series of meows.
"What say you to that?
"Dog got your tongue?
"And in conclusion,
♪ Meow-meow-meow
meow-meow-meow. ♪"
All right.
(laughs)
(clears throat)
That's weird.
Um...
I got black tested
the other day.
Uh, which is obnoxious
'cause my blackness is
constantly under investigation,
because, uh, black people
can't tell where I'm from
based on the way that I speak,
so I'm constantly trying
to prove myself.
Just like,
"Excuse me, brother, yeah, yeah.
"Uh, can you name two
of the three elements used
in the band name
Earth, Wind & Fire?"
"Uh, earth and wind?"
"Okay, Malcolm X's birth name?"
"Malcolm Little."
"All right, finish this lyric.
'It was all a dream.'"
"I used to read
 Word Up Magazine."
"Okay, okay."
"Will you hide this
for a month?"
"No."
"Correct. Just a week."
(chuckles)
It's because black people
all have, uh,
different definitions
of blackness,
and we'll all never agree
what that is,
but we all think our version
should be the version.
And this is why black people
constantly black test
each other, you know?
And I'll give you
the telltale signs
of, like,
two black strangers talking,
having a black test.
Like, it might be in a place
where you're...
where you run into strangers,
you know, a DMV,
grocery store.
One black person
will be telling a story,
monopolizing the conversation.
Something like, "And then
I stabbed that smurfy mother."
Which, to be fair,
is a good story.
I mean, it's got a clear
beginning, a middle and an end.
"I stabbed that smurfy mother
with the shiv I carved
out of an old television
remote control."
Wow, is that Hemmingway?
And...
the other black person,
while listening to that story,
will ask a series of follow-up
questions that reveal
what kind of black person
they are.
Like, one black person
will be like,
"What? What?
"Why would you... Why?
"Do you love pizza?
"So do I. I love pizza.
"Perhaps that person
loved pizza.
"Why would you hurt someone
that loves what you love?"
That's one kind of black person.
Another kind of black person
would be like,
"Should have stabbed
his ass twice."
(laughs)
And then laugh way too long
with their mouth way too open.
Like, a fly can go in there.
And then a third black person
would be like,
well, they won't say anything.
They'll just stab the person
that was talking, you know?
Doesn't matter where they are,
who's watching,
they just drop them
to the ground.
They're like, "That's how
you take care of biz.
"I'm sorry, your name's not Biz?
"Well, there's been
a horrible mistake,
"but no regrets.
Pound it, lock it,
throw away the key."
And the reason
I bring up this, uh,
black-istential crisis is, uh,
because someone
recently asked me
if I use the, uh,
the N word in my life.
And I'm like,
"I never say never 3-D."
But...
No, I was like,
"Hey, thanks for asking,
"bearded white man
at this party.
"Uh, now I regret going outside.
"Usually, I don't say it
"because it makes
my grandmother's ghost cry.
"Also, you should have said
'the N word'
instead of saying the N word."
(giggles)
That's not true.
I do use it sometimes.
Like, I'll use it if I'm talking
to a black person
I know I will never see again.
They drop it
into the conversation,
and then I got to pass
this pop quiz
that I obviously studied for.
Like, I was
at a grocery store recently,
trolling for breakfast cereals,
my one true weakness.
I walk around the corner.
This black dude, right,
my age, a janitor,
cleaning up glass and jelly
'cause someone felt like
knocking over Smucker's
that day.
Let me add that he was not
doing a good job.
He was just mopping it
in a circle,
as if to say,
"The pinker this becomes,
"the cleaner this becomes.
"No one will see the glass.
That's the point of it."
(chuckles)
And I walk
around the corner,
and he saw me.
Like, his eyes lit up, right,
and he thought
he had a chance to relate,
to commiserate, with somebody,
and he perked up,
and I walked towards him.
He's like,
"Hey, brother, brother.
(laughs)
"Niggas got me down.
"Niggas...
got me down!"
And then he stared.
And I was like, (gasps) my turn.
(chuckles)
And you got to be pitch perfect.
It's all about authenticity.
Falseness can be
sniffed out, right?
So I didn't break
that eye contact.
I held it, I cocked my head,
did that Denzel Washington thing
to my nose,
and I was like, (laughs)
"Niggas ain't shit!"
And then I was out.
(laughs)
I can tell by his face,
he had many more questions.
(laughs)
Like, "Huh?"
And, uh, "What?"
And, uh,
"Why do I feel so alive?"
Because that's what I do.
I stab you with my brain shiv
that I carved
out of cultural stereotypes.
What?
God be with ye.
(chuckles)
I'll tell you this.
I, uh, tried to quite sugar.
I failed, and,
uh, I will try again,
and I'll fail because, uh,
sugar's in everything.
What? It's in everything
and it's everywhere,
and it hurts us,
and somehow it's legal.
That's what makes it
the greatest drug of all time.
Like, every drug wishes
it was sugar.
I think, like,
heroin and cocaine
had posters of sugar
on their walls
when they were in high school.
And they used to go,
"One day, I'll be in breakfast.
But until then,
I live in this arm."
Breakfast cereals
are my-my truest weakness,
'cause I'm an adult
and I have my own money,
and I can buy whatever I want.
And when I was a kid, we
couldn't afford the name brands,
so sometimes I had
to leave the store
with an imposter
in a plastic bag
that tasted like
stale disappointment
and had a name that mocked me.
'Cause it sounded like
what I wish I had,
but instead
I had this pale comparison
of where I belong,
like a reminder.
Just kind of like,
"Well, I guess I'm the kid
"that eats Choco-Poofs.
Still better
than Nice Craspies."
Sugary cereals are, like,
on the bottom shelf
of a cereal aisle,
because that's eye level
for a child.
They see that,
and they go, "That!"
And then the father goes, "Ah,
how much for him not to cry?"
But healthier stuff is, like,
at the top, right?
So when I go to buy cereal,
like, my gaze drops.
I'm told the story
of who I should be
as opposed to who I actually am.
'Cause it's kind of like,
"Right there at the top, Kashi.
"Eat that.
You're not sure what's in it.
"You're not even sure
if you said it correctly,
"but it's got to be good.
"There's pictures of wheat
on the box.
"And look at the one
next to them.
"They're hugging and smiling.
Know why?
"'Cause they're gonna live
past 40.
Kashi. Eat that."
Then I go down one more shelf.
"Corn Chex is cool.
"Corn Chex is totally fine.
"12 essential vitamins
and nutrients.
"It's right on the box.
Corn Chex, still doing great."
Then I look down one more shelf.
"Honey Nut Cheerios, okay.
"I'm losing you a little bit.
"Uh, it is Cheerios,
which is good,
"but I'll tell you
my greatest concern.
"There's a cartoon on the box.
"But it is a cartoon bee,
and at least bees exist."
"As long as you stay
with illustrations
"of things
that are actually things,
"then you're doing okay.
Honey Nut Cheerios,
I'll accept it."
Final shelf.
"Elves aren't real!
"Why is that tiger
wearing a scarf?!
"He shouldn't be cold;
he's covered in fur!
"That captain
does not look licensed
"to operate a vessel
on the milk seas!
"And you're going
after a cereal
"that features
the modern Stone Age family?
"That's not a thing!
"You can't have
a small brontosaurus
"as a pet dog.
"They never existed!
"Keep down this path,
you're gonna end up just like
that diabetic vampire."
All right, that's it for me,
everybody.
Thank you very much.
I'm Baron Vaughn.
(crowd cheering)
 Captioning sponsored by
 TRIAGE ENTERTAINMENT GROUP
Captioned by
 Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
