 
### the path to happiness and wealth

How To Enjoy Money And Life At The Same Time

by

Steve Rhode

SMASHWORDS EDITION

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PUBLISHED BY:

Steve Rhode on Smashwords

http://GetOutOfDebt.org

The Path to Happiness and Wealth

How to Enjoy Money and Life at the Same Time

Copyright © 2002 by Steve Rhode

The Path to Happiness and Wealth First Edition By Steve Rhode

© 2002 Steve Rhode.

This book is intended to provide accurate information to educate you. This book is not intended to be a substitute for legal, investment, or financial planning advice. If you need legal or financial planning advice, you should consult with a lawyer, investment advisor, financial planner, or other professional in your state.

_All rights reserved._ Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

Smashwords Edition License Notes

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The Path to Happiness and Wealth

How to Enjoy Money and Life at the Same Time

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### DEDICATION

To Pam and Mandy,

Mom and Dad.

If I had to distill my life

with you down to three words,

they would be

" _love" and "thank you."_

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### Table of Contents

Chapter 1 –

I Got Hit in the Head With a Baseball and I Saw it Coming

Chapter 2 –

What Your Money is Trying to Tell You

Chapter 3 –

Take a Lap on the Gerbil Wheel of Debt

Chapter 4 –

Why Money Doesn't Make You Happy

Chapter 5 –

If You Had a Million Rats, Would You be Successful?

Chapter 6 –

The 10 Attributes of Internal Prosperity

Chapter 7 –

The Attributes of Internal Prosperity in Action

Chapter 8 –

Your Money is Your Friend

Conclusion –

Listen to Your Heart

Acknowledgments

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### Chapter One

I Got Hit in the Head With a Baseball and I Saw it Coming

In 1990, my wife and I filed bankruptcy. We kept the secret for almost 10 years and never talked about it publicly. I felt like a failure. It was painful and embarrassing and, though there were many factors that lead up to that event, it still causes a deep internal ache to talk about it. But we found, as you will, that keeping the secret was worse than being honest about what happened.

The first "outsider" I ever told about my bankruptcy was Mike Kidwell. I met Mike a couple of years after filing, when we both worked at IBM. I feel truly blessed that we met and were able to share our dreams and goals with each other. Our common dream to help people overcome the pain of money troubles has developed a strong bond between us. One day while we were at work, I felt I had to share my secret with Mike. I told him I needed to tell him something and asked him to follow me.

We went through three levels of security doors, going deeper into the heart of the building until we were finally in the mainframe room. There were a couple of glass walls through which people could see us talking, but no one could hear us because the noise in the room drowned out our conversation. I'm sure, as they saw us standing there, it seemed like something out of "2001: A Space Odyssey," as HAL, the computer, watches the guys trying to have a private conversation in the pod. I was even worried that someone might be able to read my lips. I know it sounds ridiculous now.

I nervously told Mike my secret and it didn't faze him a bit. What a guy. Years later, I told others. I just told you and I didn't even need to. Since it's no longer a matter of public record, you never would have known about my greatest financial failure. It is also the source of my inner strength. From that pain and financial devastation I was able to go on to help others. God gave me a doctorate in financial defeat. And as strange as it may sound today, I'm grateful for the blessing. God, if you are listening right now, I learned that lesson and don't need a refresher.

Once I stopped worrying about how others might judge me, it gave me a freedom in life to stop hiding behind what might be and live in the now. It got tiring carrying around all that baggage. Once my wife and I atoned for our financial sins, it gave us even more comfort and freedom than we'd ever had. It was a huge milestone on the way to internal prosperity.

That is how my greatest failure became my greatest gift. I found that about 1.5 million people also face bankruptcy every year. Many face uncertainty and stress over financial problems. I was able to pull myself up by my bootstraps and search for a better way to deal with financial troubles so I don't end up making the same mistakes twice. I resolved to help others by sharing what I learned. Now you don't have to hit a brick wall without an air bag, like I did.

Even now, after a period of prolonged economic prosperity, our country is packed with people who lack confidence, feel lonely and unhappy, and are trying to have more and more "stuff" because they think the stuff will make them confident, secure and loved. The prevailing core belief appears to be that material wealth is the key to happiness. Ironically, people who believe that will probably never be able to achieve their dream of being wealthy because they are constantly feeding the emptiness they feel inside with money. They use money as a drug. As one client told me, "Shopping is my heroin and Discover Card my needle." Their lives are painful and frustrating, so they pledge the money they have and the money they don't have (credit) to the purchase of stuff they believe will dull the pain within. As they do this, the money they actually have slips through their fingers, gone forever.

So what is the secret to happiness if it isn't money? Well, I'm not the Dalai Lama, I'm just a guy who's been there. I've made mistakes and gained a lot of wisdom along the way. And, I've been fortunate to be able to use that wisdom to help a lot of people have more money, appreciate the money they have and lead better lives. One of the core reasons why their lives become more rewarding is because now they "get it" and a lot of the "it" is packed into this book.

I encourage you to abuse this book. Highlight passages that strike you. Underline sentences that speak directly to you and dog-ear pages you want to find again. Make it a true reference work for you as you discover your path to the rewarding life you deserve.

This book contains the skills necessary for you to begin to live a life of happiness, fulfillment, joy and wealth. It's what you are looking for, and the basic tools are all right here.

Let's Dig In

When you decide to dig into your money issues, what you might find is that you've been stuck and confused about what to do. Of course, what makes it more painful is the perception that somehow you were a victim of circumstances beyond your control and took no action to remedy the situation.

It's hard for people to be honest with themselves when they are struggling with money issues, or at any other time, for that matter. People often feel an almost overwhelming urge to hunt for the "perpetrator" of their difficulty. There is so much blame being spread around in bad times that people sometimes forget to point at themselves. People don't want their inner critic to begin shouting at them about how stupid they are, and on and on.

First, let's take a healthy approach to the situation and put duct tape over your inner critic's mouth. Your inner critic is that voice inside your head that is quick to tell you when you've screwed up. There is a helpful time for your inner critic to speak, and then there is now.

I was about 10 years old and visiting relatives in Vermont when I learned an important life lesson. It was one of those perfect summer days when the wind was just gently moving, the temperature was perfect, the sky was deep blue and not a bug was in sight. My uncle Ralph asked me if I wanted togo with him to see a local baseball team and, being the baseball fan that I was, I jumped at the chance.

I think it was a high school team playing that day. We arrived late and grabbed the last two seats in the wooden bleachers. I always have fond memories of wooden bleachers; the aluminum ones of today are just not as satisfying. I mean, not only are they cold on your tush on a winter night, but they are noisy as heck as people tramp across them. Anyway, we sat about two rows up from the bottom on the third base side. We grabbed the last couple of spots on the side of the bleachers farthest from home plate.

We had been there about 10 minutes, just long enough for me to see who was winning. This blond-headed guy got up to bat. I remember the pitch and swing in slow motion. The pitch was straight down the pipe, from my vantage point, and the swing was like you see on top of a trophy. He took a mighty pass at the ball and almost missed. His timing was just a bit off, but he got a piece of it late in the swing. I heard the "swack" and watched the ball screaming like a bullet down the third base line. Then everything went silent. At that point it was just me and the ball. Out of my peripheral vision I saw people leaning back to avoid getting hit. I watched the ball come flying right toward me like a smart bomb.

The ball slid past the crowd in the bleachers and hit me square in the side of the head. It hit me so hard that it knocked me out of the bleachers and face first onto the grass. Thank goodness for the grass. I don't remember whatever happened to that ball, but boy was I upset at it, though it wasn't the ball's fault.

The silly part is that I saw the ball coming, but I was paralyzed. Maybe I didn't know what to do, or maybe I just didn't have enough experience to know what was going to happen. All I do know is I watched the whole thing: I saw the ball coming and it hit me in the head and knocked me out of the stands.

The story has a happy ending. I didn't lose consciousness, there wasn't any blood and I think I got free popcorn out of the deal. I also got to meet the batter after he ran over to see how I was doing. I think he just wanted to see if he had killed me. More than three and a half decades later, I'm sure he's still telling his buddies about the day he clean knocked this kid out of the stands.

I watch many people with money problems and issues behave exactly the way I did that day at the ball game. They are inexperienced, unsure of exactly what to do and rather than take some evasive action, they get hit square in the head with the problem.

#

" _If you're not in the game, you're in the stands on your behind."_

#

Almost all people who are facing financial problems are on the creditor safari. They are on the hunt for the person or persons who got them into the situation they are in right now. The honest answer is that you are probably the most to blame for what you are going through. I don't mean to sound harsh, but unless someone put a gun to your head and made you sign for all that credit, you don't have a leg to stand on. OK, some people get fooled or even lied to when they sign for credit, but in my experience that very rarely occurs. For the most part, life just happens and we let it happen to us.

For many years I worked in the medical field. One day I decided to pursue my dream, which was to sell real estate, and left. I started my own company, The Great Virginia Land Company. I thought it would be really cool to work outside all day long, walking through the country, enjoying nature and making a living at the same time. I bought and sold country acreage. When I sold property I wanted to make very sure that the people clearly understood the contract they were about to sign, which included financing. At first, I would read the contract with them, explain every detail and be available to answer any questions they had. Their eyes typically glazed over by the third paragraph.

That approach wasn't working, so I made myself available as they read the contract to answer any questions they had. Nobody asked questions. They just wanted to know where to sign. I even asked them questions to make sure they had read the contract. Most were put off by my inquisition. Finally, they trained me just to hand them the contract. They would look up and before they could say anything, I'd say, "Here," and point to the signature line. They would look up again and I'd say, "Here," and hand them a pen.

I used to get excited when I thought someone was going to ask a question about the financing. I wanted to explain it all to them, but finally I was beaten into submission by the public's lack of concern about the contract or financing. The prevailing question never was about the total cost, instead it was always, "What will my monthly payment be?" They didn't want to be bothered to actually read or understand the damn thing. They just wanted what they perceived to be the benefit once they signed the contract.

One day I sold 14 pieces of property at one time. There were so many people who wanted to purchase property from me that I passed out blank contracts, stood on the trunk of my car and shouted out instructions on how to fill in the blanks. The purchasers all gathered around as if they were at a concert in the park. "In the first blank, put today's date." It was insane, but I could not stop the frenzied action. If I had not done it that way, it is very possible that I could have been physically injured. People would get in such a tizzy if they could not sign the contract as quickly as possible.

It was frightening at times. One day, two people wanted to buy the same piece of property. One person made the decision to buy it first, and the other said he was going to kill me with the gun in the back window of his truck. I decided it would be a good time to leave, so I calmly walked to the car, jumped in and turned the ignition. Trust me, "wrrr-wrr-wr" is not the kind of sound you want to hear at a moment like this. The battery was dead and I didn't want to be.

So what did I learn from my experience? I learned people don't like to see snakes when they are out walking in the country, and they aren't that interested in understanding consumer credit transactions.

Inevitably, if a problem ever arose after the transaction took place, the perception was always that the purchaser was the victim, even when the terms were clearly spelled out in the contract that they refused to read.

The same is true for almost all consumer credit transactions. People don't read the agreements they sign and if they do, they will not, or do not, ask questions. Even if they do ask a question and are a little troubled by the answer, the vast

majority of people will sign the agreement anyway, as long as they get what they want when they do sign it.

To develop a foundation for internal prosperity and external wealth, you cannot sit idly by and watch your life pass before you. You have to participate; otherwise you get what's left over. You must summon up the courage to assume responsibility for your life and while you're at it, you'll avoid getting hit in the head.

The thought of looking inward, focusing on building internal prosperity — the inner disposition, traits and skills necessary to make you happy — is an uncomfortable thought for many people. How fortunate you are that you are willing to find a way not only to have enough money to make you wealthy, but also to pursue the admirable goal of finding your path to a rich and rewarding emotional, spiritual and financial life.

This book will help you find the answers you are looking for. Yes, it is possible to make enough money to be happy. Yes, you can be proud of yourself, your life and your accomplishments. Yes, there is a better way.

#

" _The constant pursuit of something always leaves you pursuing, never arriving."_

#

The majority of people I help have spent their lives chasing a dream of wealth and ended up with the opposite of wealth, massive debt and lost opportunity. They slave at jobs they don't like and hope for a life of luxury and happiness that will be brought about by more money. "If only I could work harder." "If only my spouse would leave me alone so I could focus." "Kids, shut up!" It is a shallow, sad and empty dream. It's a dream created by the perception or belief that life would be better with more money. It is not real.

For some people, more money is definitely a blessing, but would it help bring them closer to living their dream of being "rich?" What about lottery winners who blow through their good fortune? I saw one couple as clients who won big amounts on the lottery scratch-off cards, only to blow through it and be left worse off than ever.

Money alone clearly was not the secret to their happiness. Their lottery winnings became a big burden for them. They now had a string of moochers at the door, a bunch of stuff they had to take care of like homes, cars and boats. Another thing they never anticipated was that they had even fewer skills when they had to re-enter the job market later because they had essentially taken a couple of years of vacation. Money made them wealthy but not wise. Not knowing how to handle it made them ultimately less satisfied with life.

Working with people like the big lottery winners has made me think a lot about money and happiness and how they fit together.

The information in this book was gathered in part through my own experience and from working with so many people with financial problems. It's frustrating to see people suffering and not many folks available who understand why. When I share my message with financial professionals, attorneys, social workers, therapists and others, I can see the light bulb go on and they usually say, "People need to know what you know. I haven't met anyone else who has put the puzzle together. You've really got answers."

Over the years, I've read so much written by financial pundits and interviewed many of them on my radio show, and now I'm convinced that while they may understand the technical side of money issues, they don't understand the emotional side. They get it wrong because they don't understand that money problems are not about the money and that makes it hard for them to point people back to the path to happiness. It's kind of like sitting in the bleachers with me way back when. Think of your financial issues as that rocket ball that launched off that bat. You see the problems coming, but you don't know what to do. "Swack" straight to the head and out of the stands you go, face first into the dirt. There is a better way.

I wrote this book to introduce you to the principles I have learned over the years to help you create a better relationship with money and make you happier and more satisfied with your life. It will keep you in the stands. You might even get box seats. Did someone say hot dogs?

What Can You Teach Yourself?

There is no reason why you can't use your own past experiences to help you excel in the future. Rather than run from the times you made a mistake, relive them to extract the essence of wisdom and maybe give yourself a good laugh. The ability to laugh at ourselves is important to lightening our heavy load in life. Don't take yourself so seriously. Relax. If you are having trouble relaxing, here are a couple of quick relaxation exercises.

#

Steve's Eight Cheap and Easy Steps For Stressed Out People Who Can't Relax

1. Sit up straight with your hands in your lap.

2. Focus on relaxing your shoulders; feel them droop.

3. Focus on relaxing your legs and your back; feel them getting less tense.

4. Focus on breathing slower; feel your breathing slow down.

5. Close your eyes.

6. Count your breaths. Breathe in "10," breathe out, "9," breathe in "8," you get the idea. Count your breaths this way until you get to one. Count your breathes in groups of 10. When you get to one, start over again. Just focus on counting your breaths.

7. As thoughts pop into your head, acknowledge you had the thought and let it go. Just focus on counting your breaths.

8. As you sit and relax, try not to acknowledge any stimulation, try not to move, try not to open your eyes, try not to do anything else. Just live in the moment. Stop whenever you want.

#

Steve's Four Step Emergency"I Can't Take It Anymore, I'm Going To Explode Right Now"Relaxation Exercise

1. Slowly count to five in your head and breathe in the entire time.

2. Slowly count to five in your head and hold your breath the entire time.

3. Slowly count to five in your head and breathe out the entire time.

4. Repeat as needed.

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### Chapter Two

W _hat Your Money Is Trying To Tell You_

The truth about money is that money is a thing. The leaves left in your gutters could have more value and worth if we all agreed they do. Money is just paper, metal or virtual credit in a computer. The truth about money is that if you think you will feel more fulfilled and happier with life only when you have a lot of money, you will be very disappointed.

Now you may be kind of bummed reading that, but I've got some good news. Money can be wonderful. In my life I've had times where I lived on nickels in my pocket and I've lived with plenty in the bank. I'd rather have money because money gives you options. But unless you cultivate internal prosperity, you won't be smart about how you use those options or you won't see them in the first place. Furthermore, you won't hang on to that money for very long. So let's look at what you need to start down the road to internal prosperity, now that you know the truth about money.

It's easy to look wealthy

If you want to project an image of wealth, all you need to do is project the illusion that you have credit, money or things others value.

Most people measure wealth in terms of the amount of things they have that others want, and the typical unit of measure for wealth is your local currency. Here, in the United States, it's the good old U.S. dollar. The dollar is no more than an agreed-upon unit of exchange. It's only valuable because we believe it to be valuable. It's a thing. It's not you.

#

" _Wealth begins at work; prosperity begins at home."_

#

If you believe that you will suddenly become happier and more satisfied with life just because you earn 50 percent more per year or win a lot of money, you might be rich in measure, but not in spirit. Surveys among high-income earners show us that no matter how high their incomes, they need at least 50 percent more income to be happy. Enough will never be enough until you can learn to be happy with what you currently earn. As long as you are unconscious of why and how you use money, it will drip through your fingers. You will never be able to hold on to it.

Having money can allow you to do many things you were never able to do before. However, unless you achieve inner prosperity, you may find your new life to be as problematic as it was when you had less.

How much is it worth to you to achieve peace, balance and happiness in life? Would you rather have a lot in the bank but still feel like something is missing inside of you? Would you sell your soul?

The world would say that the only thing you need to be wealthy is money, but unless you can find internal prosperity along the way, more will never be enough.

Generally, when people experience money troubles, the underlying causes and problems are not about the money at all.

Let's look at a couple who most people admire and assume are very successful because they live in the right neighborhood, have the right car and hang out with the right people. The problem is that Bob and Susan are facing foreclosure of their beautiful home.

Perception: Bob feels the mortgage company does not adequately understand their situation. They should not be foreclosed upon; surely there is something somebody can do. Bob is furious with the mortgage company.

Reality: They are not making their mortgage payments as promised. They've missed the last couple of payments and have been late with some others. Last year, they worked out a repayment arrangement to get caught up on the mortgage, but didn't make the adjusted payments as they had agreed. After all, they had to take their kids on an exclusive vacation to Disney. What would their friends think if they didn't? They already told them they were going and goodness, they couldn't back out now. How would that look?

The only reason they are in the very expensive house to begin with is they desperately wanted to live in the neighborhood. The "in-crowd" either wants to live there or already does. Bob works hard and Susan feels they deserve the financial success life owes them. Sure, things are a little tight today, but aren't they for everyone?

The last vacation cost a bit more than they had planned and wound up on expensive credit cards. "We'll pay it off next month," they say.

Once they moved into their new house, they threw a housewarming party, and everybody knows you have to decorate before people come over. What are guests going to sit on? The furniture from the old house didn't fill enough rooms and besides, it didn't go with the new house. It had to go. The new furniture was very expensive, but the furniture gallery had a great finance plan, and who could say no? Bob and Susan justified their expensive purchase by saying that the furniture was a long-term investment and so, of course, they filled out the credit application. They had to have it.

The new furniture made the window treatments look shabby. Everyone can see the drapes from the outside, so new ones were ordered. Who knew they were that expensive? "We'll just have to put them on the card," they said.

A couple of months ago Bob came home with a sporty new convertible. He hadn't planned on buying it but a couple of guys at work were talking about how cool it was and before he knew it, he was at the dealership signing some papers and driving home in the new car. "This was a smart move and a great purchase," he said to himself as he pressed the accelerator a little harder than he should have as he exited the highway. He pictured the relaxing drives he and Susan would take in the country with the top down.

They needed to spend some quality time together. Bob felt they were not as close as they used to be. The car would help bring them closer together. Because the car only held two people, they would have to get a sitter to watch the kids as they cruised on the back roads to share those lost moments. "I know" he thought, "I'll make a reservation at that bed and breakfast I've been reading about. It's a bit expensive, but it will be special and we'll have a great time. The weekend will be perfect." The $200 weekend actually turned out to be a $600 weekend but, "goodness knows we needed it," he said.

The day after Bob bought the car was an awesome day at work. The guys could not believe he had purchased it. It was hot. Everyone at work was talking about his sporty wheels in the parking lot. Some were jealous. Bob was the big man in the parking lot this week. OK, the new car payments were a stretch for them, but it was only for six years. Bob knew he paid top dollar for the car but if he had haggled, he would have had to wait a month for the next shipment to come in. He needed the car now.

Things felt a little financially snug for them since their kids had started private school. The local school system was terrible, that's what everyone said, and so Green Fields Academy was the only solution. The kids would get a better education and it was just coincidental that the weekend crowd had their kids in the same school. It's better for carpooling, Bob and Susan told themselves. They also had a conversation about the fact that they were so busy earning money and doing volunteer work that they did not have the time to sit down with their kids and give them the kind of homework attention the kids needed. Private school would give their kids the extra attention it would take to really let them get ahead academically. Maybe a tutor? That might help. "Did you hear?" Susan said, "John and Betty don't send their kids to private school." "Don't they care about their kids at all?" said Bob.

Susan really enjoyed her occasional outings to the local mall. They had some cute little stores and the personal shopper at Saks was a doll. She would give Susan a heads-up about the latest fabulous stuff that had just arrived. Sometimes she even tucked a couple of items away so Susan could get first crack at them. Susan couldn't pass up the deals because some of it was on sale. She felt that if she didn't buy something, the personal shopper would stop calling. She liked the attention, so she had to pick up some things here and there.

Shopping was enjoyable — it made Susan feel special and boosted her self-esteem. She always looked forward to seeing Jamie at the shoe store. Jamie was a friendly girl who lived in the neighborhood Susan grew up in. Susan would never live in that neighborhood again. She's come so far, why go back? She's moved up. She justified the last couple of purchases of boots as a way to help Jamie move up also. After all, Jamie made a commission from the sale of the boots, right? As Susan left the store she wondered whom she could fix Jamie up with. She deserved a real earner like the one Susan landed. Jamie would make some man look really good with her cute, size two figure.

Susan's relationship with Bob was not as electric as it once was. Maybe a new outfit would make him notice her as they went for a cruise in the new car. You know what goes perfectly with a new outfit? A new haircut. "That exclusive salon in town is so relaxing. Everyone is so nice and the environment is so pleasant. Anyway, who knows how clean those cheap places really are?" Besides, if she went to the cheap place she wouldn't be able to visit with her favorite hairdresser. George was a good listener and Susan could talk to him about almost anything. Sometimes Susan laughed that George was cheaper and better than a therapist. Susan knew she should probably not get the haircut because Bob had mentioned that she should cut back a bit on stuff she didn't need, but this was a special occasion and it was for Bob. She wanted to look her best for him because she didn't want to lose him to another woman.

Susan still remembered when she was the other woman, but it was clear that Bob did the right thing leaving his first wife. That woman just didn't know how to keep herself up or how much fun Bob could be. All she wanted to do was tell him "no" all the time when he wanted to buy stuff. She wouldn't let him have any fun.

Susan got home a bit late from the salon and the kids arrived shortly after she did. Susan heard Bob pull into the driveway. Who could miss the sound of the new, oh-so-sporty car? As soon as Bob hit the kitchen he said, "Let's go out to eat tonight." So they all piled into Susan's leased SUV and off to their favorite restaurant they went. They really enjoyed going to their favorite place. Jimmy, the waiter, greeted them as they came in and was such a nice guy. Bob always enjoyed talking sports with him and Jimmy always gave the kids a special treat with dinner. He knew how much they loved chocolate milk, so he'd always bring two tall, cold glasses with dinner. He never forgot Bob's double martini, either.

As they pulled back into the driveway, the headlights passed across the front of the house like a beacon from a lighthouse. In the quick sweep of light, Bob thought the bushes out front looked so much better than those that came in the standard landscaping package with the new house. "The neighbors have got to be jealous," he thought. The landscaping company was doing a good job. Sure they were expensive, but so what?

As they came back into the house, Susan noticed that the housekeeper had been there today. She hadn't noticed when she got home earlier because she barely had time to drop her bags and meet the kids before they had run out. What would she ever do without the housekeeper? Her life was so hectic that she certainly didn't have time to deal with all of the housework. The house was so big and her volunteer work took up so much of her time.

Bob headed for the den to take care of some bills he vaguely remembered were piling up on his desk. It was time to pay them; they were only a little late. Susan used to pay the bills years ago, but after a fight, Bob took over paying them.

The switch in bill payers at home occurred one day after Bob's credit card had been refused at lunch with a client. Sure, it was a $200 lunch, but that was just something you had to do to entertain the big client, right? When he landed that deal he was going to get a huge commission. Besides, he'd get reimbursed for it later so what was the fuss? It must have been Susan's fault. Bob felt he could do a better job of managing the bills.

Once Bob yanked the bills from Susan, he called the credit card company and gave them a piece of his mind. How dare they refuse his card? So what if he only had a $150 balance available on the card? "Raise the damn limit!" he yelled into the phone before he slammed it down. Susan heard the conversation from the other room. She was so angry at Bob about the whole thing that she vowed she would never take care of the bills again. "Let Bob do it from now on and see what I've been dealing with, juggling payments here and there. Who needs that stress?" Susan never asked about the bills again. Now it was Bob's mess to deal with.

As Bob headed for the den he passed his favorite chair. "Let me see what the score is," he said to himself. Before he knew it, the comfort of the leather chair and the sweet numbing feeling of the alcohol from dinner fooled him into closing his eyes for a moment. Two hours later he half awoke and stumbled to bed. Tomorrow was a big day. He finally scored that appointment with the big new client, and since he was going to close the deal he needed his rest. "The bills can wait until tomorrow," he thought.

The haircut looked fabulous, the car was shiny and new, the yard was neat, the new outfit was perfect, dinner was yummy, the house was clean, the relationship was lacking, but wasn't everyone's? The kids were getting great grades, the pictures from the vacation just came back and the house is getting foreclosed on next week. "How dare they foreclose!" Bob said to himself. "I should tell Susan about this. Maybe tomorrow."

What Bob doesn't know is that tomorrow Susan will learn about the foreclosure from a friend who will read the notice in the local paper. Susan will call Bob's cell phone and demand to know what is going on. Bob will assure her it's all a mistake.

Two years later, Bob and Susan will separate.

#

" _Sometimes personal finance is personal, not finance."_

#

Here is another example.

Jim and Linda had been married two years when they called me for advice about a monthly shortfall in their budget. They were just a bit short of cash and wanted to know how to close the gap so they could pay their bills.

Perception: Things are just a bit short each month. All we need is a loan.

Reality: About two years ago Jim and Linda, both in their late 40's, met and fell in love. Jim convinced Linda to move from her home, which she owned, to a new house in a town about four hours away. She loved the attention that Jim gave her.

Shortly after they moved Linda felt very alone in the new area. She didn't know anybody but Jim had a bunch of friends at work. Jim even had a photography business on the side. He shot portraits, weddings and some social events. Jim had borrowed about $40,000 from his retirement plan (nearly everything) to start his own business and he had just finished buying all of the equipment. He just was not a good sales person and hated the sales part of the business. Jim could not understand why business hadn't picked up for him.

Linda was jealous of Jim's photography business and told me, "I think he will take pictures of another woman and find her more desirable than me. I'm afraid he will leave me."

Linda had secretly been feeling isolated and, for the past couple of years, cured her feelings of boredom and jealousy with a little catalog and television shopping. After all, it was harmless and helped her to feel excited when the new purchases arrived. Sometimes she forgot what she had purchased and when the package arrived on the front porch it was like a surprise gift.

Jim and Linda had already borrowed against their house once to consolidate the credit card debt they had both run up. Somehow the balances were right back where they had been before. It didn't take long, just a year or so. Jim and Linda both felt they had learned their lesson this time and if they could just get a loan. That would save them.

Almost every line of credit Jim and Linda owned was maxed out. There was no more credit available. Linda still owned her house back in the old town. She was renting it to someone without a lease. "They'll pay," she said. The house had about $100,000 in equity but there was no way she was selling it. Jim had promised her she could keep it in case things didn't work out between them. In fact, things weren't going well at all. "I think our relationship is in trouble," said Jim. "I'm not sure we love each other any more." Linda chimed in that she had felt the same way for a bit but ever since her breast implants she felt the sex had really improved and she wanted to stay, at least for the sex.

"Have you met with a marriage counselor?" I asked.

"We've been to a bunch," said Jim. "They don't work, things aren't going to change and I don't think they do any good at all."

"Have you thought about leaving each other?" I asked.

"All the time," they agreed.

But Linda summed it up, "The fear of being alone is worse than the emptiness in the relationship. Did I mention that the sex is great since I had my plastic surgery?"

It turns out that the plastic surgery had been paid for with yet another loan. This was just another debt they had incurred in an effort to mask the emptiness of their relationship. While Linda made a bunch of little purchases over the past year, Jim had made a couple of really big ones. Their respective debts were about the same amount.

The more they disclosed, the clearer it was that even without their debt they could not afford their lifestyle. "We can hardly afford to do anything," Linda said. "All we do is pay bills," Jim and Linda finally admitted that their monthly expenses were about $1,500 more than their income and over the last year or so they had been using even more credit cards for regular purchases. After all, they had to in order to live the lifestyle they could not afford. As they borrowed more money the credit card balances went up, the available credit went down and the monthly payments could only be made with another cash advance from a credit card. Which one this month? Eeney, meeney, miney, moe.

Linda was so proud that she just purchased a cell phone and Jim didn't know about the purchase yet. It was a great deal. Her calling plan allowed her to call back home on the weekends and talk to her family. Lately, the phone bills had been about $500 a month. She talked to her mom and old friends a lot. "I hope I can keep my calls to just the weekends," she muttered.

Jim and Linda's life was empty in so many ways. They often found themselves eating out as a distraction. It gave them something to do other than talk with each other between bouts of post plastic surgery sex.

"Why don't you guys split up and Linda, you can move back to your old home?" I asked.

"Oh I like it better here. I love my new job, I'll never move back."

"OK, why don't you sell the old house?" I asked.

"It's my safety net. In case things don't work out here I can move back there."

Jim and Linda are too scared to love and too scared to leave. They will be trapped in the middle of emptiness and the money problems. The monthly shortfall will grow until they get the next desperation loan. If they don't do something, Linda will lose her house when they file bankruptcy.

Bob and Susan, and Jim and Linda are fairly typical in many ways of the couples I work with. These examples may seem extreme, but when you peel the onion and get down to the underlying reasons why money is a problem, you will often find issues that have nothing to do with the money itself. It's not about the debt or credit either. It's about the you inside.

A lack of wholeness in themselves and in their relationships, as experienced by both couples, led them to chase more and more material possessions to create an illusion of success and make some of their pain go away. But as you can see, the pursuit of material wealth is a waste of time. At the end of their respective paths of acquisition, neither couple was happy. They felt hollow inside. They were depressed and unfulfilled. While each respectively had many of the things they desired, they all lack one key ingredient — internal prosperity.

As you start down your path to internal prosperity and external wealth, it is essential that you examine why money has been slipping through your fingers all of this time. Imagine how much wealth has leaked through your hands in unconscious spending. As you sit at home and look around, do you see lots of stuff you've bought over the years that was important to have at the time, only to rest in some box or corner, maybe never opened, essentially discarded?

I've got one of those things in my house. A couple of years ago, my wife and I bought a laminator. We've never opened it up. It still sits in the same box, brand new. It was one of those purchases I wish I could do over again. I guess we really didn't need it, since we've never used it. I

would rather have had a quiet family dinner out at our favorite restaurant than a piece of metal and plastic in a corrugated box.

On a more extreme level, maybe you can identify binges with alcohol or food that drained your pocket but left you empty. Maybe you always find yourself attracted to needy individuals who bleed you dry and then leave. Or you can identify times that you felt you had to impress others with your financial success.

Gallons of ink have been spilled exploring the stimuli that prompt excessive and/or compulsive buying. The individual reasons are complex and too numerous to mention here.

However, at least consider that one of the reasons you may not have as much wealth as you desire right now is you have been too busy medicating yourself with money. Look at money for a moment as an over-the-counter drug, a legal tool that we can use to make ourselves feel differently. We can take a hit off the money pipe 24 hours a day and get our fix online, in person, over the telephone or through the mail.

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While 10 percent of the population is generally considered to have compulsive buying issues, the number of people who use money to medicate themselves is probably in the 25 percent range, according to our surveys at Myvesta.

We conducted two national telephone surveys of 1,000 adults. Here is what we found out in the first survey:

Forty percent of the people surveyed said their mood changes before or after making a purchase.

Sixteen percent said they spend money to escape problems or relieve stress.

Nearly seven percent of respondents said they are preoccupied with buying things to impress or influence others.

Fifty-one percent of the people surveyed said they repeatedly try to control, cut back or stop excessive money use. Of those, a slim majority, are women.

Seventeen percent said they feel alone or empty inside and use money to purchase goods or services in an attempt to feel better or improve their self-esteem.

Just under ten percent said they lie, minimize or rationalize to family members or others to conceal their spending.

Seven percent of respondents reported having excessive debt as the result of the inability to stop spending money. About the same number said they had lost out on opportunities such as a significant relationship, job promotion, or educational or career opportunities because of excessive spending.

Nearly seven percent of those surveyed said they feel a need to spend money on or with others in order to maintain a relationship with those people.

In the second survey, we found that when people were faced with two questions: one, if they knew someone who behaved in a certain way; and two, if they behaved that way. As you can see, the closer to home the questions hit, the higher the denial factor.

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Mood changes just before or after making a purchase: 52.1% (someone you know); 40.4% (you).

Spends money as a way of escaping problems or relieving stress: 49.7% (someone you know); 16.3% (you).

Is preoccupied with buying things to impress or influence others: 47.5% (someone you know); 6.7% (you).

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Many people use other forms of spending to alter their feelings about their lives that do not revolve around the typical mall crawl. Families place kids in private school, buy new homes and cars and take lavish vacations to create a false image of success and feelings of worth. These are but a few examples of life spending which drains the bank and can be the result of underlying issues other than a simple, overwhelming desire for the item itself.

The lack of satisfaction with your life or yourself is a big reason for having less wealth than you desire. You might feel you can never have the wealth you want because you don't deserve it, or you can't hold onto the money long enough to accumulate it. When you are constantly medicating yourself with money to create distraction or fleeting emotional relief, you will find it very difficult to quit.

As a drug addict may visit his favorite corner to get a fix, a money abuser will visit their favorite mall to inject. When life isn't satisfied with you or you with life, the mall can be a deliciously refreshing place to go. It's warm, well lit, has great stores with cool new stuff, friendly sales people who are there to fuss over you and it's got food courts. For some, there is a heaven and it's called "The Mall."

When my wife and I were first married we moved to Florida. The mall was across the street from our apartment and we used to go there often since we didn't know anybody in the area. It was a pleasant distraction. We both realized one day that we must be visiting the mall a little too often because the woman behind the sales counter, at a store we didn't buy stuff at, greeted us by name as we came through the door. "Hey, Pam and Steve, how you doing today?" As we packed to leave Florida, we were amazed by all the stuff we had purchased at the mall. No wonder we were carrying a lot of debt. What were we thinking? Oh that's right, we weren't. We had been unconsciously masking our boredom with recreational shopping.

Someday I'm going to have to do a formal study of malls. I've noticed that malls in the outlying areas are more like community clubhouses; everyone appears to be very comfortable. Kids use it as a place to congregate and parents as a place to go for distraction. Malls in more exclusive areas are sterile and quiet. They are very reserved, and sometimes you can just smell "wannabe" in the air.

Try this experiment yourself. Go to the mall in an outlying area, sit on a bench and just observe. Next, travel to the most exclusive mall you can get to and do the same thing. You will notice a difference in the way people and sales staffs behave. Ask yourself, "Why?"

Sometimes I go to the mall just to observe people. I study money behaviors. You can learn a lot by watching people attack and defend the mall. Do you realize that about 70 percent of the stuff people buy at the mall they never intended to buy? When shoppers are stopped as they leave the mall with bags in hand, they are asked what they purchased. Many get it wrong even though they just walked out the door and have the stuff in their hands. They shop so unconsciously that they cannot even identify all of the items they just spent their money on.

You can actually see some shoppers go into a store looking tense and emerge looking relaxed from having just made the purchase. Unless you know what to watch for, it can be hard to spot the money abusers because they blend in so well and

are everywhere. Do unconscious shoppers have a chance in a mall? Not likely. Everything, from what you see as you enter the mall, to the store windows, to the store environment is heavily studied and designed to get you to buy. The same is true for most retail environments. There are a gaggle of white-coated scientists in the back room who watch your every move and know what they need to do in print, radio, TV, online, at the grocery store or wherever to get you to buy.

Shopping is designed to give you pleasure because that's what you want

The most common cause of financial troubles I hear about is the credit cards. "If it weren't for the credit cards I wouldn't be in this mess," many people say. If that were true, then you have to add in that if it weren't for the people at the mall, the scientists watching you shop, the guy behind the counter at the food court or the kind woman who answered your call when you called the shopping channel on television, you'd be fine. The list of people to blame about your situation is endless. The entire consumptive material food chain exists only to obtain a share of your available credit power and

your cash. The credit card is only the tool that lets you feed the money monkey on your back.

If you want to build your external wealth today you need to develop good judgment to determine why you are buying whatever it is that you are buying, big or small. If it helps, ask yourself this question: If Steve was here right now, what would he say about my purchase? Is it something I really need or am I making excuses for buying it?

When your money takes control of your life, your wants become needs and your needs become wants. I've seen people evicted because they fail to pay their rent or mortgage, but their credit cards are all paid up. There is an almost endless supply of money to fuel your desire. It doesn't stop flowing until you abuse it sufficiently. The better your job, neighborhood, occupation or standing in the community, the more it will flow. Just because somebody will lend money to you does not mean you can afford it. It just means they are willing to take a risk and lend money to you.

Spending money you can't afford to spend only compromises your future. It doesn't hurt anyone except those you are charged with caring and protecting, including yourself. If you fail to handle money responsibly and lose everything, you are just financial road kill. In the food chain of capital consumption you are the by-product of a good meal.

Spank your inner child

Society in general has little compassion for those who can't pay their bills. There is no compassion for middle-class Americans who can only tread water their entire financial lives, never getting out of debt and never getting ahead. Eat, sleep and consume. Have you ever wondered why people are generally referred to as consumers? That is your default job. You must consume so people can make more for you to consume.

If you retire poor, society looks at you as a burden. This may all sound harsh, because it is. The person who should give a damn about your financial success is you. You have the power within to change your future. You have the power to put down the money crack pipe and stop feeding your cravings.

I talked with Julie recently who told me she wanted to kick her money habit but did not want to spend a dime on her recovery. When pressed, Julie said she had spent almost $100,000 using credit to fuel her consumptive habit and now she wants a free solution? Silly. Some complex issues require an investment of time and money to find a solution that works for you. Imagine needing a filling in a tooth and finding a self-help book to show you how to do it. Would you whip out your new cordless drill, shank up a brilliant titanium bit and drill away? I hope not. However, I do know of a couple that yanked the braces off their kids' teeth with a pair of needle nose pliers rather than take them to the orthodontist because they did not want to pay for proper care.

You will only handle your finances better when you discuss the underlying issues that cause your money to get out of control with someone who understands these issues. Unfortunately, there are very few people who truly understand the depth of these financial issues. You really have to search hard to find someone who can help. It's not a subject that most therapists, accountants, bankers, lawyers or credit counselors truly understand.

The good news is that there is hope and there is help. If you find that in reading this book you uncover some emotional issues, seek help for those issues. It can be just that simple. A financial retreat, classes that prompt you to think about your issues with money or therapy can be a blessing for many to explore the "you" within and that can be very meaningful. Rather than stumbling around, seek help to find your path.

Maybe you feel bad about the way you use money in your life. Frankly, you are beating yourself up for nothing. First, that was in the past and right now you can begin your new life. Second, a lot of your money behavior still is beyond your control and you are unaware of it. You have to learn who you are first.

Our psychosocial framework influences some of the way we handle money, credit and debt; who we are; our environment and social world. Those things that subconsciously influence us — our personalities, behavior, the chemicals in our brains and even the neural pathways, which are hardwired in our brains, also regulate it. Now I'm not saying that you are a victim, I'm saying that there are many things that control you that you may not be aware of. The trick is becoming aware of these things and working to minimize their impact on your behavior in the future.

Life is full of hidden and secret signals that cause us to use money to medicate ourselves.

While you may not be able to completely identify those signals at first, you will begin to recognize them when you find yourself handing over your credit card or money to purchase something you really don't even care about.

I once had a client who shopped at all the best stores. She bought wonderful items and often on sale. She shopped to feel differently. For her it was a cycle of self-abuse. She would shop to feel better because she overate, she would cut or burn herself because she felt bad afterwards about the shopping and she would binge eat because she hurt herself. While every case is not as extreme as this, it does show where she was medicating herself with money as a way of distracting herself from the real issues.

One of her goals was to become wealthy. Do you think she will ever be able to unless she can develop internal prosperity?

As a side note, her car was often filled with bags from the best stores at the most exclusive mall. The bags were full of things she would never wear or use. She was afraid to return them for fear of what the salespeople would think about her. What irrational money beliefs do you have?

Then there are the cases of women who can't stop buying things for their young children. These tots are always dressed in the most fashionable designer clothes and they have so many toys that they spill into almost every room in the house. One woman's shopping habit has created a terrible strain on her relationship with her husband. The financial impact has been significant. He simply wants her to stop and doesn't want to deal with much else. The more I learned about her life and spending, the more it became clear that her relationship with her husband was not very emotionally rewarding and quite difficult. One day she finally came out and said, "I guess I buy stuff for the kids all the time because they appreciate it and give me hugs. Since I don't feel love in other parts of my life, buying the stuff for them and getting the hugs makes me feel good."

Do you think she is going to stop spending too much money without addressing the underlying issues that prompt her to do it?

How about the guy who was a CFO of a corporation going public and could not stop day trading? His brain craved the rush he'd get from the big score. The big purchase that would make him $10,000 in one day. Unfortunately, that was the exception rather than the rule and he would go on to lose many times more, chasing his dream of the next big score. While he was a logical and intelligent gentleman, he could not see that his financial path was very unlikely to be successful. He was essentially gambling using the stock market, but could not see it since it was stocks, not poker chips. He could care less about what he was buying and selling, he only cared about the rush he felt when he made the big score. He craved the rush. It was a drug for him.

Then there are the many clients who gamble on their own home-based businesses. Rather than address the issues within themselves, they attempt to flee their jobs to take refuge in the illusion that if they were their own bosses, they'd be able to make so much more money and be fabulously happy.

Bill started his own business and invested about $100,000 in it. Most of the money was taken as cash advances from credit cards, but some was essentially stolen from his stepkids' college funds, borrowed without permission. His wife, while upset that he had done this, encouraged his new business because she thought it would finally make him happy.

Bill's business was an out-of-the-box failure. It was not well planned; he had no experience in running a business; it was a true non-starter. Bill had invested in Internet marketing. He hoped to score big on the Web by selling products and services. He actually didn't understand how the Internet functioned or how to make a sale. In fact, Bill hated selling. The reality was that Bill didn't really want to start his own business. What he really wanted to do was to be distracted from his current life. I think the saddest part of Bill's story is that he ended up refusing to continue his work with me because he insisted on keeping three credit card accounts open and available to him, saying he needed them for his next business idea. His wife supported him on this and angrily said, "What is he going to do if he can't play with his businesses on the side?"

One of my favorite "it's not about the money" stories is about a client who had been told to file bankruptcy. She had gone to credit counseling and had been turned away, as are many people. "Bankruptcy is your only answer," they said.

If you are looking for the underlying reason why people get into debt and have trouble with money, you see things others miss. What everyone had missed was the fact that her money problems were not about having too much debt, they were about having too little income. I asked her why she had not sought higher-paying jobs over the years and had worked, underpaid, at the same job for the past 20 years. She finally confided that she was embarrassed about the size of her feet and afraid of interviewing.

Now, it's not that her feet were huge, she was just self-conscious about them. Once she overcame that issue, she had a new job in a couple of weeks and made plenty of money to meet her financial obligations. Bankruptcy was unnecessary.

Here are some questions and guidelines to help you identify unresolved money issues.

How do I know if I have money problems?

Ask yourself the following questions and see if you answer yes to any of them. If you do, you've got some underlying issues.

1. Do you have repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back or stop excessive money use?

2. Do you feel alone or empty inside and use money to purchase goods or services in an attempt to feel better or improve self-esteem?

3. Does your mood change just before or after spending money?

4. Do you spend money as a way of escaping problems or of relieving stress?

5. Are you preoccupied with buying things in an effort to impress or influence others?

6. Do you feel a need to spend money on or with others in order to maintain a relationship with those people?

7. Do you lie, minimize or rationalize to family members or others to conceal spending?

8. Have you lost out on opportunities such as a significant relationship, job, promotion, or educational or career opportunity because of money consumption?

9. Do you have excessive debt as the result of the inability to stop spending money?

If you answered yes, don't worry, you are not alone. And you can begin to fix the problem. Read on.

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### Chapter Three

T _ake a Lap on the Gerbil Wheel of Debt_

Think of debt as that annoying squeak in the back seat that you hear as you drive alone in the car. The squeak distracts you from the beauty of the scenery, and before you know it, you are only worried about the squeak. I knew a guy that bought his dream car, a brand new Volvo, and was enjoying showing it off to everyone. About a week after he bought it, it was totaled. He was driving with the windows down, just enjoying the day, and a bee flew in the window. He was so focused on getting rid of the bee that he ran off the road and hit a bridge support post. He just lost focus on what was most important. The good news is that he survived without major injuries and the bee vanished. The bad news is that his insurance did not cover the entire new loan on his car and he was unable to buy another dream car.

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" _Being in debt is a state of mind, not an account balance."_

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When you are in debt, you are mortgaging your future. What you are doing is promising to generate money in the future to pay off what you have in your hands today. Too much debt means your future is locked down. It robs you of options and flexibility. It means that you become a slave to your creditors and have to work at some job, even if you hate it, to make enough money to pay off what you owe. If you wake up in the morning and you are thinking about how much you hate going to work, you're clutched in the mouth of the monster of debt. You've got saliva dripping off your feet, and in a minute or two you are going down the gullet, never to be heard from again.

It doesn't have to be that way. You can break free. It is possible for you to wake up almost every morning and look forward to the day with childish glee and anticipation. I'd say I feel that way most of the time because I love what I do and I'm thankful for any day I'm not dead. As far as I'm concerned, that's a good day.

So what happens when you get deep in debt is you sacrifice your future. That's all, nothing much. Now, not all debt is bad. If you love what you do and you make enough money to pay your bills and have a bunch of money leftover, it's not such a drag on your life. However, if you are generally unhappy with yourself, your life, your reality, then debt can just be a new pair of cement slippers.

People are frequently worried about debt — whether they have too much or what is the "right" amount. They worry if they have financial problems, they hear about "good debt" and "bad debt" and don't know the difference. I've developed this simple way to determine if money is a problem in your life...it's just not that complicated. Here is a quick test to see if you are having financial problems.

" **Steveism:" If you think you have a financial problem, you do**

That goes for debt, too. If you think you have too much debt, well, you do.

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" _No man's credit is as good as his money." – Ed Howe_

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If you had to think about debt as something, would it be an anchor around your neck? The cement slippers I just mentioned? How about a gerbil? Stick with me here. Do you know what a gerbil is? It's a small rodent about five inches long with hairless ears, large black eyes, pointed snout, short legs, clawed feet, light-colored fur and a long tail. Sounds like a new character in the next Stephen King thriller, doesn't it?

For some twisted reason, many kids keep gerbils as pets. They are much cuter than they sound and they kind of remind me of the Tribbles on that old Star Trek episode.

I had some gerbils as pets when I was but a young lad. They lived in an old aquarium, the one that leaked so it wasn't any good for fish.

It was an accident that my gerbils were of opposite sex. Boy, did those things breed. I guess when you are caged up in an old 10-gallon aquarium all day long there isn't much to do but chew everything you can and breed. They did both very well. Siskel and Ebert would have given them two thumbs up.

I got tired of them procreating all the time, so a friend suggested putting a gerbil wheel in the cage to keep them busy. It wasn't enough of a distraction to keep them from breeding all the time but they now had something new to annoy the heck out of me.

A gerbil wheel is a cheap metal wheel that is mounted in a cheap metal frame and when they get on it and run, it just rotates around and around and around. They go nowhere fast. I'm not sure what the purpose is. Exercise? Distraction? To keep me up at night? Who knew gerbils are nocturnal? They wake up from napping all day and jump into the wheel just as you doze off to sleep. The wheel always seems to have a squeak and, of course they knock it over or it bangs against the glass all night. Squeak, bang, squeak, bang, squeak, bang.

I always wondered two things. First, would I get in trouble if I heaved the whole damn aquarium out the window, and two, don't Fred and Ethel realize that the wheel just spins constantly but goes nowhere? I have to give them bonus points for dedication and creativity. Sometimes they would get that wheel banging and spinning so fast I thought either the side was going to bust out of the tank or they were going to make electricity. Every once in a while they'd have a spat and both get on the wheel and try to run in opposite directions. That was interesting.

I tried to take the wheel out of the cage one night to stop the madness. I think one of them sunk their teeth deep into my flesh and took a huge chunk out of my hand as I reached for the wheel. Blood poured down my hand, ran down my arm and dripped off my elbow as I held my arm up and ran back to bed. At least that's how I saw it as an 11-year-old. They probably just brushed against my hand. Anyway, sticking my hand in the cage in the middle of the night freaked me out, so I tried to keep late-night commando raids into the tank at a minimum.

The whole point about the gerbil wheel is that they found nothing wrong with running in place and going nowhere. They listened to the same glass banging and squeaking that I did; I know this because they have keen hearing. I'm sure they got very used to it. That was just their universe. They obviously enjoyed all of the running in place and going nowhere.

Credit and debt are a lot like a gerbil wheel for many people. No matter how much you make, you just keep making payments every month. We decide, or are trained early in life to expect that, as adults, we earn money and make payments. "What do you mean you don't make payments each month? What the heck is wrong with you?"

A couple of times in life we wake up in a panic and realize we don't have enough money. For most people those times are when we get married, the day before our child leaves for college and a week after we retire. But for the most part we are happy and content to keep earning and spending, earning and spending, earning and spending.

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" _Some people use one half of their ingenuity getting into debt, and the other half avoiding paying." – George Prentice_

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Life becomes this comfortable hum of making money and never having enough. Can't you picture a human-sized gerbil wheel with a huge sign stuck in the ground right in front of the wheel that says, "If you can touch this you will make good money." Many people would run on that wheel all day long chasing the dream, stopping to earn a little money, spend some and then sleep. You know I've never quite figured out what "good money" is, but everybody seems to use the term. "I'll be happy as soon as John lands this job. We'll be making good money then." As far as I'm concerned, all the money I make is good.

Step away from the wheel

Our consumer society is set up like a huge gerbil wheel. We are trained by our parents and environment to be good consumers when we grow up. Can we really be surprised that we do it so well or to excess? If you buy into that whole belief that you are what you own and that more is going to be enough, you will run and run and run your entire life and you will wind up in the same spot, just older, tired and still unhappy.

Here is my sage advice, "Step away from the wheel." Can't you picture the prosperity police pulling you over in a felony stop as you race down the road running in your gerbil wheel. "Mr. Rhode, put your hands in the air and step away from the wheel." They'd force you to come to your senses, taking you away in handcuffs made of recycled credit cards. Platinum cuffs, please.

The perpetual cycle of debt will not make you a better person. The race for wealth will not make you happier. There are people who have 10 million dollars in the bank who don't feel like they have enough. Enough will never be enough. Enough, already, of this enough stuff. Enough!

You are not what you make, you are not what you spend, you are not what you buy, you are not what you give, you are not your reflection and you are not the size of your pants. You are you and that can be pretty terrific if you let it.

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" _You hate your creditors because they make you live up to your end of the bargain."_

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Your creditors are not trying to keep you enslaved on the gerbil wheel of debt. You do that all yourself. You constantly seek out more stuff. "If I only had that new outfit or golf bag, I'd be happy." Yeh, right! Don't you see it's not the thing that you desire that will make you happier; purchasing the thing is just an escape from the way you feel inside.

Money isn't your problem. You are your problem. But like most problems, if you apply a willingness to change the situation, good guidance and a plan, you can have a good chance at changing things up. You might try and fail. If you do, stop complaining and try again.

Ten things you should do after you fail:

1. Take a break. Play a video game, read, listen to calming music, watch TV, go for a walk alone or do anything else you can, alone. Take a few minutes or hours to let the frustration die down a bit. You've probably been working hard or you've been distracted, and that could have contributed to your failure. The reason you need some quiet time rather than going to "twofer" night at the bar with your friends, is that you need to let all of those thoughts about the experience filter out of the crevices in your brain. You don't need a distraction to mask what you just went through. Let it silently percolate.

2. Jot down or think about the factors that you think contributed to your failure.

3. Jot down or think about what you could have done to avoid those factors in the future.

4. Admit defeat. Stop pretending that you didn't fail. You failed. Too bad, so sad. Move on. I've had too many clients over the years that insist on reliving their past mistakes over and over again. Let them go. The key is that they were mistakes and they were in the past.

5. Decide if you want to try and pursue that goal again. Was it worth it, or is the luster gone? Sometimes the moment has passed and it's time to move on. "Next."

6. Regroup. If you are going to try to achieve the same goal again, think about what additional resources or people you are going to need to help you. Identify what those resources are and gather them together. Before you move forward, consider what the new cost will be with the required time and materials. Is the goal worth the true cost of what it will take to achieve the end result?

7. Failure is only success masked in defeat. Some part of what you attempted was good. Figure out what that was and do that part again. No sense reinventing the wheel.

8. Admit that what you attempted was a failure, not you. You are not an idiot or stupid for failing. You are courageous for trying.

9. Remember that sometimes no matter how good the effort, the passion and desire, life just doesn't play ball. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose for no good reason. As the song goes, sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug. Life is what it is.

10. Figure out what good can come from your failure. There is tremendous value in failing as long as you can analyze what went wrong. Don't waste a perfectly good failure by trying to forget it. Learn from it. Both the recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken and the light bulb were successes at the end of massive and repeated failures. And just think, today they actually make an oven that can cook chicken with light. If those inventors didn't keep trying, imagine what we would be eating in the dark? Once you've analyzed that experience, let go of any negative baggage you are carrying from that past experience, just keep the good. Remember that the most important minute in your life is the one you are living right now. It's the only real minute of your life. Unfortunately, we often let our past predict the future because we are stuck living in other minutes. They are no longer real. Let go. Live now.

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" _It doesn't have to be perfect, just good enough."_

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I've seen creditors, and they is us

Creditors are, well, us. People who work for lenders as debt collectors are in the exact same boat you are in, they just have a different job. I remember one client who said she had been getting the same call from the same collector for months. The collector hadn't been very nice in the past and when she called again, she dreaded the call. Finally, the client admitted to the collector that she was working with Myvesta and the collector stopped, paused and said, "I am too. Aren't they great?" The whole relationship changed from that day forward.

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Creditors have better memories than debtors." –Ben Franklin

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The only reason creditors keep providing us with the credit we so desperately want is that we crave it. Somehow we have to figure out a way to get off the gerbil wheel of debt. Until then, I think the person next door has a nicer wheel than yours. What are you going to do about it?

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### Chapter Four

W _hy Money Doesn't Make You Happy_

If you've nodded your head a few times reading the first three chapters of this book, get ready: I'm going to introduce you to a program which, if you stick to it, will help you to be happy and have money.

First, consider that part of what has been blocking your path to happiness and wealth is a pretty powerful set of perceptions that, if you don't shake them, will bog you down and make you unhappy. In America, a major underlying perception appears to be that people with a lot of money are happy and fulfilled. The perception of money is "if only." If only I had more money, my life would be more fun. If only I had more money, I would be happier. If only we had more money, our relationship would be better.

Education is not necessarily the ticket out of the swamp created by the perceptions I just described. Have you ever been taught at home or at school how to manage money? So many people hang their hat on financial education as a treatment for consumer credit and debt problems. People also believe that if only they had learned about finances in school they wouldn't be in a jam today. They believe they are victims of the educational system, victims of their creditors and victims of life. In fact, even if they had been taught, they probably would not be better off financially because what most people are taught is how to be a money technician, not a money steward.

Many people believe that simply because they are aware of where their money goes, that they really understand the impact money has on their life, both good and bad. This is incorrect.

A money technician is someone who does a great job of balancing the checkbook. They giggle the day they open the mailbox to find last month's bank statement has arrived. They bound back to the front door and then leap down the stairs to the family room where the computer is located. The electronic brain is powered up with that comfortable hum, and the latest money program is double-clicked on the desktop to launch Family Money Central. A quick insertion of fresh data into the money tracking software for the family's money supply and, ta-da, everything is in balance and life is good. Ahh.

People who earn money are not necessarily good money stewards, and they certainly are not necessarily in touch with the motivations behind how they spend their money. They just know exactly what the account balances are. Over the years I've had many clients who were super-organized, good technicians with all of their data, color-coded in binders. Many still experienced money troubles and general financial dysfunction. Some were even true money addicts, addicted to the pursuit of things they believed money would bring them.

Good money stewards are hard to find. They work their money so it yields the most benefit for them. They are conservative with it, and then, sometimes they aren't. They meet their current obligations, they set aside a little in liquid cash, put some in longer-term investments, and have fun with the rest. Their life is not always in balance but it's like a plate spinning slowly on the tip of a stick, it wobbles a bit back and forth but it never falls off.

Good money stewards have laid the foundation for enjoying life and their money at the same time. You are going to learn those skills in this book.

For the vast majority of people, perceptions rather than reality drive their actions. I mean, does anybody really know what time it is? It is only the time it is right now because we say it is this time. We really don't know what reality is because reality is only our perception of what we believe to be real.

If you throw 10 people on the same street corner and play out some event in front of them, you will hear 10 different versions of the same event. It's not that any of them are wrong about what they report. What they tell you is the truth as far as they are aware. But is it the absolute truth? Probably not.

Perception becomes reality and reality becomes truth

For most people, money alone does not achieve any of the goals we desire besides having the money. Wealth is nothing more than the

accumulation of material possessions or things we mutually agree are valuable. They only have value because we perceive them to be valuable. Take a diamond for example; it's a rock, for crying out loud. It's only valuable because we perceive it to be valuable and others have told us it is valuable. In some parts of the world, you can find them lying right on the ground. There is even a state park in Arkansas where you can go and find diamonds lying right on the ground.

While the secret to happiness is always assumed to be wealth, wealth is just an external condition. The key to happiness is developing your character to the point where you achieve internal prosperity — and internal prosperity is free. You don't need a bunch of money to have it right now, and you have no excuse for not getting up and getting it. Once you begin your trip down the path of achieving internal prosperity, you will find that the money you make will slowly switch from not being enough, to more than you really need. It's a magic transformation and it will change your life forever, or at least until you get out of balance and fall down. The good news is that you can get up again.

If you are wealthy without internal prosperity, what you have done is accumulated a lot of stuff that you now have to watch out for, worry about, insure, take care of and manage. A lot of stuff can bring us only fleeting joy and quickly becomes a burden. Think about it: the more you accumulate, the harder you have to work to maintain it. There is a point where you don't own your stuff, it owns you.

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" _Hearses don't have luggage racks."_

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Examine for a moment these common items that give others the perception of wealth:

Homes

Perception: They must be doing really well because they just bought a big home in that exclusive neighborhood.

Reality: Just because a lender was willing to risk giving them a huge mortgage does not mean they have a lot of money and it certainly does not mean they are happy. I've got some ex-neighbors to prove that. They seemed to have so many issues. On nightly walks, they'd always look down and never make eye contact as they passed folks on the sidewalk. They never mowed their lawn, hid in their house, were mean and grumpy almost all the time and I don't think I ever saw friends over. If they had friends, I think they were the lawyers they were paying to sue everybody else.

Anyway, the reality of big homes is that what you perceive as success is really just a lot of debt. The new fancy home will get old, need constant upkeep to keep it looking respectable and soon will be in the "old" neighborhood. What begins as a "look where we live" will soon become a hole in the ground into which you pour money. Nice homes require landscaping, cleaning and maintenance. The bigger the house, the more of your income is going to be required to be able to properly maintain it.

Cars

Perception: Did you see their new car? They just bought a car that will always be valet-parked right in front of the restaurant so the restaurant can look good! It's very expensive. They must be doing well.

Reality: First, they may not have purchased it at all. They may have just rented (leased) it. Even if they did buy it, it's probably owned by the bank and has a big loan on it. You know, they make new models every year and what was hot and sporty this year is next year's used car, so it will have to be replaced with the latest model. In a year or so they will have to sell, trade in or lease up to maintain the image. That move will cost them a lot of money, and deeper into debt they go.

Internal prosperity is not an accident Wealth can be

I recognize that there are plenty of happy rich folks, but what makes them fulfilled is that they are both internally prosperous and externally wealthy. But the majority of people try to start the trip to fulfillment with only half a tank.

I grew up in a fairly wealthy area. Early on, I observed that basically there are three types of people who live there. There are those who have little external wealth, these are usually the folks who lived in the area before it became trendy.

There are those who flaunt what they want you to think they have. These are the folks who look and smell good, but once you get past the front door you see the truth. The homes often have fabulous window treatments or "curtains of wealth," but they only have enough furniture for a couple of poorly decorated rooms. Sometimes, they even sleep on lawn chairs. I was in one house that has almost all marble floors on the first floor, and the only stuff around is a television sitting on the floor in the living room, a glass table in the dining room and a couple of stools at the counter in the kitchen. I had to almost talk in a whisper because the echo was so bad. I'm serious.

These are the same people who drive their incredibly expensive cars to the supermarket, take your parking spot and cut you off in the food aisles with their cart as they block the frozen food aisle and hiss to themselves, "That's my frozen quiche."

One day at the market, I was standing next to a middle-aged woman dripping in furs and gold as she opened all the different types of mayonnaise. She would dip her little finger in, taste it and then put the top back on it and plop it back onto the shelf. She used the same finger for each new jar she cracked open. When she found the one she wanted, she put it in her cart and went on her way. What makes her think that is acceptable? With all her money, she couldn't buy class.

Another time, a guy walked up next to me and was tearing plastic bags off in the produce aisle and throwing them on the fruit displays and on the floor. I watched him for a minute. I didn't have much choice because, I mean, I was standing right there next to him and could not reach what I wanted because he kept lunging across in front of me to tear off the next bag.

I finally figured out what he was doing. OK, sometimes those bags are a bit tricky to get open, but you've got to at least make an effort. He wasn't even trying to open them. I guess he felt entitled to have the bag magically open for him. I said to him as he walked away, "Excuse me, you are not seriously leaving your trash all over are you?" He gave me an angry stare and then in a huff, picked up the bags and threw them in his cart. As he began to walk away again I said, "Excuse me." He turned back, maybe hoping I would thank him. "You forgot one." He did not pick it up. I'm almost positive that he left all the plastic bags in his cart and as he jumped into his Jaguar, pushed the cart into someone else's car and as the wind whippedthe bags into the air, he muttered to himself, "Look at all this trash."

I'm convinced that these folks act this way because they feel that somehow money makes them more important and entitled to a certain life. They want to be treated with importance because of their illusion of wealth. They do not realize that if they were just internally prosperous people, many people would still be their real friends and treat them with kindness. They are so rich but so bitter and angry, it is sad to watch. Is that really how you want to live your life?

My favorite wealthy folks are the ones who are stinking rich but you'd never know it. This is the family who could be from anywhere and is blessed with incredible good fortune. They are typically kind and unassuming but take awesome vacations. They have arrived in money nirvana: internal prosperity and external wealth. Together. Amen.

Internal prosperity is the cornerstone of happiness, and it is right at hand. It's virtually free and the tools we need to achieve it are within us or all around us. It's up to us to gather them together and put them to use.

Prosperity and wealth do not breed constant happiness. If you are constantly or perpetually happy, you are probably on drugs and have broken with reality. The perception that money will bring happiness is a myth, an illusion, a lie. No matter how prosperous or wealthy you are, you will still have periods of unhappiness. In order to perceive that you have and will lead a happy life, you have to believe that you have had and will have more happy moments than sad moments.

Life Perceptions:

I'm entitled...

I deserve...

Life owes me...

I've earned it so it's mine.

I'm more important than you because I have money.

I'm happier than you because I am wealthy.

Life Realities:

You never know when you will die.

You never know when you will be in pain.

You never know...

Life has no guarantees.

Life owes you nothing.

You are lucky to be alive because the only other option is to be dead.

Comfort is a luxury.

Before you can be truly happy with your wealth, you must be internally prosperous. Prosperity is the foundation for a happy and rewarding life. Prosperity is not about dollars. It's about sense.

Internal prosperity is an ongoing process. It's not something that you achieve and then keep for the rest of your life. You have to work on it daily. It wouldn't be precious if you didn't have to work to maintain it.

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EXERCISE

Distill Your Life

It's not hard to make a still. I made one for a junior high school science fair project. I demonstrated how you could distill regular cooking sherry into a highly concentrated alcohol. It was very popular with the parents. I had a big crowd of adults waiting for samples.

You can do the same thing with your life. Distill the critical components of your life. Picture the three most important things in your life that you can't live without. If some of your things are material possessions, they all have to fit into a backpack. So what are your three things, and what's in your backpack? Why?

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### Chapter Five

I _f You Had a Million Rats, Would You Be Successful?_

You achieve true financial success when your internal prosperity expresses itself in your having enough money to meet obligations and to spend. You will be happier with the money you have and make if you can lead a more balanced life. What is financial success? If you can't identify what it is for you, you'll never know when it arrives. If you only attempt to seek happiness and inner peace from the accumulation of money alone, you will still feel empty.

Focusing on just the accumulation of money to achieve financial success without developing the inner you is like waiting for good friends to pick you up for dinner. If you get distracted, then delayed, and aren't home when they arrive, you'll miss out on more than just another dinner out. You'll miss out on the fun and experiences you would have shared with good friends.

How do you define financial success?

Financial success for many is the number of trailing zeros on the account statement. Look into your crystal ball for a moment and imagine that you had 10 million dollars in the bank. (A lonely one million dollars just isn't what it used to be so we have to dream bigger.) Take a few moments and daydream about the following for a few minutes. Close your eyes as you visualize your answers. Picture your new life as if you had those 10 million dollars. Hey, if you are reading this book on the bus, kick in that blank soft focused stare instead of closing your eyes. People will think you are being contemplative.

The Ten-Million-Dollar-Questions

If I had ten million dollars in the bank...

1. Where do I live?

2. What do I do for a living?

3. Am I married to the same person I was before my new wealth?

4. What is my family like? How many kids, if any?

5. What kind of vehicles do I have?

6. Do I own a boat or a plane? What kind?

7. Where do I vacation?

8. Do I work? Where do I work?

9. Do I have support help at home? Landscaper? Housekeeper? Nanny?

10. What are my new friends like?

11. What happened to my old friends?

12. Are my old friends jealous of my new wealth?

13. Do my old friends behave differently around me?

14. Do we drift apart?

15. Where do I hang out?

16. What do I do for fun?

17. What kind of clothes do I wear?

18. What does my home look like inside?

19. Am I happy?

20. Am I in love?

21. Do people love me for my money or for me? Can I tell the difference?

22.Who do I trust?

23. Do I give to charity?

24. Am I grateful for my success?

25. What kind of little stuff will I buy with my fortune?

26. What kind of big stuff will I buy with my fortune?

27. Do people with 100 million dollars look down on me since I don't have as much stuff as they do?

28. If the 100 million dollar crowd asks me about my summer estate, which I can't afford on only ten million dollars, what will I say?

29. How will I feel when I can't keep up with the100 million dollar crowd?

30. The 100 million dollar crowd asks me to go to the estate for the month. I don't really know any of them well. None of my current family and friends can go with me. Do I go? Will I fit in? Will I feel uncomfortable?

31. Is ten million dollars enough?

So what do you think? Would your life be better in some ways? Probably. Would it be worse in some ways if you had 10 million dollars in the bank? Probably. Would you still feel excluded by some groups because you only had 10 million dollars? Probably.

I recently saw an advertisement in a magazine targeted to high-income earners that said the service was priced for people who, "...range from the comfortable to the extremely wealthy." Who knew there was wealth discrimination? See, many think money alone will make them part of a "happier" class of people, but there obviously is a difference in perceived levels of wealth. I guess "comfortable" is wealth with training wheels.

One person's mansion is another's shack. One person's ceiling is another's floor.

Money in the bank alone will not bring you happiness. What it will bring you, if you are not careful, is the ability to medicate yourself with money. It will allow you to regularly acquire stuff that will help distract you from life at hand. Before you know it your fortune will begin to shrink and could even disappear.

The reality is that financial success is knocking at your door right now. Financial success is measured more by your state of mind and internal prosperity than money in the bank. Unless you can find peace with the money you have right now, more trailing zeros in the bank will not help. The reality is that no matter how much you have, someone else will have more.

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" _Wealth is a blessing – when you are ready for it."_

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Life is a one shot deal. There are no do-overs. There is no rewind. If you don't reach out and find internal prosperity right now, tomorrow is just another day that you won't be happy. The quality of your life is based upon the totality of happy moments. Unless you take action to find your path to internal prosperity and external wealth, you will look back years from now with regret and declare that your life was miserable and unhappy. You will be crotchety, bitter and not someone that people will want to associate with. You will be old, alone and afraid. Your life will suck.

Financial success is like a magnet. There are two ends. You either repel financial success or you attract it. You repel financial success by always knocking it out of the way in your pursuit for more.

You can attract wealth by developing internal prosperity and being grateful for the blessings you currently have. As bad as you feel life might be for you right now, it can always be worse.

If you measured your self-esteem in dollars, would you be rich?

Having more money does not make you happier, prettier, sexier or give you fresher breath. Money is just a thing. Money is intangible. It's only valuable because you believe it is.

Things That Are or Have Been Used As Money

Beads

Beer

Boars

Butter

Cigarettes

Iron bars

Rats

Salt

Shells

Skins

Stones

Tobacco

Can you imagine people pursuing a dream of having butter? Would a room full of stones or iron bars make you happier? How about rats?

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" _When you allow the trailing zeros in the bank to define you, that is what is inside of you."_

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Here it comes. At this moment, right now, you are wealthier than billions of other people on this planet.

Cast aside your illusions of "how much better your life will be when..." and focus on this moment. How much worse would your life be if you did not have what you currently have? There are many people who are envious of what you have. You just don't know them. They want your stuff and think your stuff will make them happy and successful. If your stuff doesn't work for you, how will it work for them? What if they appreciated your stuff more, were thankful and it met their inner needs? With your stuff they could stop searching. It would make them fulfilled and satisfied. And to think you've got it right now.

The constant pursuit of something else means that you are always chasing and never catching. As long as you only focus on the money, you lose.

One of the most difficult things to do as you move toward achieving internal prosperity is being honest with yourself about the status of your past and present life. It takes great courage and confidence to face who you really are. Sometimes the mirror is the hardest image to view alone.

Have you heard that old play on words, "Denial is a river in Egypt?" Well, denial really is an unconscious defense mechanism that protects us by cushioning us against painful realities, thoughts or feelings. Unfortunately, our protective mechanism can't tell the difference between information that can help us and stuff we don't need to deal with. It's kind of like wearing a suit of armor. Are you with me here? A suit of armor can protect you and save your life, it can also kill you. Imagine wearing a suit of armor and falling off your horse into a raging river? That armor may weigh you down until you drown.

So why is it important to be brave and try to see through denial? It's important because denial steals your future. You have to muster your courage to face who you are only for yourself, so that you can find your path to happier days. If you feel like you have self-esteem issues, they are all

repairable, you just have to take off your suit of armor — a little at a time — so your future can be better than your past.

Our perception of ourselves in the mirror is hypercritical

" _I look fat."_

" _I'm not pretty enough."_

" _I'm too tall."_

" _I'm too short."_

" _I'm not smart enough."_

" _Nobody likes me."_

" _I don't have enough hair."_

" _I'm too hairy."_

" _I don't make enough money."_

" _I'm a fraud."_

" _I'm not rich enough."_

" _My car isn't new enough."_

" _My home isn't big enough."_

If the mirror is the hardest image to view alone, why view it alone? Ask a friend, advisor or therapist to help you see the image. Work with someone you feel comfortable with, can be honest with and someone you trust.

You will find it beneficial to create an atmosphere where you will be comfortable. Sit in a comfortable location and make sure you won't be disturbed. Have a glass of wine if you drink, have a glass of water if you don't, play some relaxing music softly in the background, don't answer the phone, turn down the volume on the answering machine, and ignore every outside intrusion that you can. You want to make sure the surroundings allow you to focus on the matter at hand.

Once you are comfortable and prepared, discover the answers to the following questions and begin to uncover your relationship with money. Either ask them of yourself or ask your helper to read them to you. As you answer the questions, ask your helper to help you clarify your answers so they are as honest as possible.

Money Who Am I?

1. Am I satisfied with the amount of money that I make? If not, why not?

2. What material possessions do I desperately want to have? Why? What do they represent to me?

3. Do I sometimes spend money to impress others or boost my self-esteem?

4. Have I ever borrowed money from friends or creditors and not repaid it?

5. Do I sometimes spend money on others so they keep me in their lives?

6. When I look around my home, do I see stuff that made me feel happy when I bought it but no longer does? If yes, why?

7. Do I buy things on credit because I want them now?

8. Am I using credit to finance a life I can't afford on cash?

9. Do I buy things to help change the way I'm feeling at the time?

That's enough honesty for now.

Popeye, the philosopher, says, "I am what I am and that's all that I am."

The first stage of money troubles, or money deception, is denial. Money denial exists in many people and actually holds them back from achieving both internal prosperity and external wealth. If you can't be honest with yourself about money, do you really know who you are?

Money Beliefs

1. They wouldn't think much of me if they really knew I am juggling the bills.

2. If they knew how much I really had in the bank, they'd laugh (or want it).

3. If they know how much I make they will judge me.

4. If the saleswoman really knew how much money I had she wouldn't spend as much time with me.

Internal prosperity requires that you are honest with yourself about your money. You have to confess to at least yourself, about how you use or misuse your money. Once you see who you truly are with money, you can do three things.

Three Things You Can Do With Your Money Truth

1. Accept who you are today. If you are a no-good, lying, deceitful, sack of dung when it comes to your money, so what? You won't know how long your journey to internal prosperity and external wealth is unless you know the distance you have to travel. The length of the journey is not an indication of the amount of time it will take. Some people fly, others walk. You are today who you are. Don't beat yourself up about the truth if it feels uncomfortable. Don't run out and overeat, over drink or hurt yourself in some other compulsive or abusive way. You are what you are and that's all that you are — nothing more, nothing less.

2. Develop a mental picture of how you would like to be with your money. Keeping your income and wealth an honest secret as it grows is fine, as long as you are not using a false façade to lie to others. Don't project an illusion of money you don't have. You can have money and not flaunt it and you can also buy material goods at a level that is easy for you to afford. You should feel very comfortable buying what you can afford. Continue to be honest with yourself as you move through the days to your destination of internal prosperity and the accumulation of external wealth. Along your journey, continue to be honest with yourself about your money habits. If you aren't, you'll find yourself slipping back into those old, self-defeating ways.

_3._ _Become confident that what you are currently making will satisfy you._ _No matter how much you make, it will never be enough if you don't allow it to be. Once you develop the confidence that the money you are making now will satisfy your thirst, you will find that you could live well with 20 percent less income. Becoming and staying comfortable with your current income is in many ways like getting an instant 20-percent raise. Why 20 percent? Because you waste about 20 percent of your income on stuff you don't need when you are unhappy with your life._

This formula has been proven true time after time. All you have to do is watch people track their spending and watch as they voluntarily cut back on things they no longer find necessary. The more aware you are about where your money is going, the easier it is to give yourself an instant raise. It's money spent trying to distract yourself from the way you are feeling in the pursuit of increasingly elusive happiness.

Atone for your financial sins

If you find during your money confession that you have hurt others with your past financial behavior, you need to consider making amends. Atoning for your financial errors is an important step along your journey toward internal prosperity. Make an effort to repair the damage your past financial mistakes have caused, think about the pain and good relationships that went bad because of your past behavior. If you borrowed $100 from a friend in college and never paid it back, hunt him down and pay him back. A good friend of mine lent $600 to a friend of hers when she was in college. That was years and years ago and every time she sees that friend, what do you think is first on her mind? Do you think the loan creates distance and dissolves the friendship? You bet it does. Aren't friends more valuable than money? Pay your friends and loved ones what you owe them.

A minister called me and said that he had been volunteering his time helping a local couple. He had even given them money to help with safety expenses, like shelter and food. They never made an effort to repay him and stopped coming to their counseling sessions. Later, he saw them at the local football game and they were buying all sorts of stuff. He was upset because he believed he had been taken advantage of. They had money in their hand right now but never made an effort to repay him one dollar. Don't let your past mistakes hurt others.

Get as straight with your financial past as you can. If you are unable to find the person or company to repay past debts, make your best effort. You will know you tried and that's much better than never trying at all.

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### Chapter Six

T _he 10 Attributes of Internal Prosperity_

Now that you've defined success for yourself, it's time to begin your new, balanced financial life. Now you have to make sure you have a good foundation on which to build the new, happier and balanced you.

Think of these core components like the ingredients lists on a box of Oreo cookies. If you don't include them all, they wouldn't taste as good. The ingredients that comprise the new you are the 10 attributes of internal prosperity which, when put together, make a whole, healthy person. Think of them as the Lego blocks of life. If you put Legos end to end, they can't stop a spitball, but if you place them in interlocking alternating rows on top of each other, you could practically knock someone out with them. What does internal prosperity look like? In this chapter, I'm handing you the picture of a person who has attained it, but I'm giving it to you one piece at a time.

See if any of these attributes of prosperity already exist within you. Evaluate your unique self and situation, and see which ones you need to develop. You may need to work on them all. That's OK. You may choose your own path to attaining them or you can use ideas I offer here that fit your style and your life.

The pursuit of internal prosperity is a noble one. No amount of money in the world will fill that void which exists within you. One of the toughest prisons to break out of is the one we create for ourselves. It has multiple rings of defense against escapes. First, you have to give a damn, so you have to sneak past apathy and loneliness. Next, you have to jimmy the door and sneak down the hall of victimhood. Finally, you have to climb the high fence of low self-esteem and run for cover from the slings and arrows of your inner critic. Right now, with your money, all you are doing is trying to bribe the crooked guard named Denial, and we all know that won't work. He'll just keep bleeding you dry. Con artists know a sucker when they see one.

So is it hopeless to try to get out of the prison? No. Just like there are lots of ways to leave the big house, life gives you many opportunities to achieve internal prosperity; it's up to you to find the way.

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" _If you say possibilities are limited, explain infinity."_

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The power of internal prosperity is enormous. It acts almost like a shield against negative energy. I'm sure you've felt the draining power of negative life energy. At one point or another we've all been emitters. And we've all taken it in.

Negative energy is that feeling you get around someone else who is just not "right." Maybe they are angry, upset or frustrated. There are a thousand reasons why people get this way. I've been like this at times. It's frustrating when you get off-center. You are using valuable life energy and it is not producing any forward motion. It doesn't create a positive effect in your life and, specifically, negative energy makes it nearly impossible to be kind to yourself or others.

The First Attribute – KINDNESS

A person who is internally prosperous is kind. Kindness may be the hardest attribute of internal prosperity to develop and display day after day. There are times when you are just pissed off at the world, at yourself or at some other irritating thing. When you are upset you will emit negative energy and repel wealth headed your way. In fact, it will stop, turn around and go somewhere else. You will have such tunnel vision that you will not be able to see the opportunities for wealth when they come near.

If you've never been kind to someone else and expected nothing in return, try it. Just do it. Once every day, at least. Kindness is free to give and receive. To be kind you don't need to spend any money. Kindness can be as simple as giving up your seat on a crowded subway, holding the door for someone or letting someone go first in line at the store.

The nice thing about freely expressing kindness is that as you give you are repaid a little in your pocket and a little in your life's savings account. The more you are kind to others, the better you will feel about yourself. The hardest part about being kind to others is when they are rude, nasty or mean back to you. You feel like you've been taken advantage of and before you know it, you stop being kind. You've got to resist that feeling and fight back with more kindness.

No expectations, no disappointments

There is a difference between being kind and being abused. If you constantly do things for others expecting something good to happen in return, you will be disappointed with life. It can make you angry and bitter. You don't have to be a doormat to be a kind and good person.

While you are being kind to others, don't forget to be kind to yourself. You deserve good things in your life, too. If you find that you are not being very nice to yourself, stop and be a little selfish. It's OK at times. If you feel you are unable to stop your inner critic, you will need to focus on ways to improve your self-esteem.

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Here are eight easy acts of kindness you can begin performing right away:

1. When you are walking through the grocery store and see something on the floor that should be on the shelf, pick it up and put it there.

2. If you are in your car on a busy highway in traffic, don't pick your nose. We can see you.

3. If someone gives you too much change, give back what is not rightfully yours.

4. Next time someone cuts you off in traffic, don't react. Surprise everyone by waving all of your fingers.

5. If you use the last bit of toilet paper, get a new roll without having to be asked. There is almost nothing worse than running into the bathroom only to find four squares of recycled toilet paper left on the roll.

6. When you pass someone on the street, look him (or her) in the eyes and say hello.

7. Be kind to yourself. If you often find that you walk with your gaze directed down, look up and enjoy the world around you.

8. To be kind you also have to let others be kind to you. Even if you have unresolved internal issues and feel you don't deserve people to treat you nicely, try it. Try letting someone just give you a cupcake or open the door for you. Be grateful for their kindness. Just say thank you and enjoy the fact that someone thought enough of you to offer a bit of comfort and happiness.

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The Second Attribute – GRATITUDE

You know someone has achieved internal prosperity if they are grateful for the life they have. So, if someone else does something kind for you, be grateful. The only thing you are entitled to in life is...let's see...nothing. That's right. Everything more than nothing is a blessing in your life. Be thankful and grateful for whatever kindness or good fortune comes your way. A key attractor for money is gratitude. Those who are ungrateful often get the garbage that life dumps.

A gracious attitude is easy to accomplish. If you start from a position of understanding that any moment could be your last, you can easily find things for which to be grateful. I'll grant you, it's hard at times. If you find it hard to find anything to be grateful for, use the emergency gratitude checklist.

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Emergency Gratitude Checklist

(If you can answer "yes" to any of the following, you have something for which to be grateful.)

1. Am I alive?

Teresa, my wonderful and kind mother-in-law, died after a long period of terrible pain. Every joint and bone ached from being stuck in bed. The moment she was told she had pancreatic cancer, her spirit died. She stopped laughing, smiling or being happy at all. The end was rapid and horrible; then she died and left a huge void. While it looks like there is nothing to be grateful for, there is.

Teresa suffered so much but had much to be grateful for; she just forgot it in her anger over her situation. She could not see through her anger and remember the blessing of many years of joy, love and comfort from a caring family. They were by her side when she died and they took great care of her through her life and in her final days. For most of her life she laughed and was a friend to all. She was the kindest person I ever knew.

She died, and that feels awful. But she lived and for that I'm grateful.

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Try this simple exercise. Look around wherever you are right now and see how many things for which you can be grateful.

How is the temperature?

Does it smell bad?

Is anyone threatening you?

Are you in pain?

Are you comfortable?

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Let me show you how this works in real life. As I sit and write this, I'm in my home office, the temperature is very comfortable, I have a cold glass of water, I'm sitting in a comfortable chair, the light is just right and the ideas are flowing. I'm grateful for all of the things that are right. Are some things not as perfect as I'd like them? Sure. But why not be grateful for those things that are good and fix the things that are not? You have a responsibility to yourself to be happy. Start small. Be grateful whenever you can.

The Third Attribute – RESPONSIBILITY

People who are internally prosperous always take responsibility for their actions, in the financial arena and everywhere else in their personal and professional lives. Since we are talking about being responsible, let's get right to it. If any trait were lacking among people today I'd say it is responsibility. People spend far too much time trying to find out who is to blame for every negative thing, however small, they perceive in their lives. When it comes to money they are almost always trying to blame their situation on their creditors or on too much or not enough access to money. When it comes to life, your denial of responsibility will fracture the foundation of your internal prosperity. I'm not saying you have to accept responsibility for things you had no part of, but when it comes to money, let's get real.

If you can't pay your bills, for whatever reason, it's your responsibility. When you took out that credit card or borrowed the money no one said, "Don't bother paying us back if you buy a house that's too expensive for you to afford." If you can't pay your bills, stand up, develop a plan, take responsibility. Be grateful for whatever solutions come your way. If you have to take some lumps because you can't meet your rightful obligation, take the lumps and move on.

Before you can move forward in your life you must accept responsibility for those things for which you are responsible. You have to accept responsibility for finding internal prosperity, managing your available funds and not letting money needlessly slip through your fingers.

Before you can be a winner in the game of life you have to participate. If you choose to play the game, accept responsibility for your actions. Stand up, be counted, make an effort and make a difference.

The only thing constant denial is good for is chasing away good fortune

I'd like to find the person who wrote, "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade." What if I don't want to make lemonade? Now don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the lemons, but if I don't want lemonade, maybe I can trade them with someone else for something else I do want. I don't have to accept what life gives me. I can be responsible for my own life and attempt to seek out alternative opportunities.

Being responsible means that you have to accept responsibility for your actions and the path you choose to follow. If you can't get doors to open for you, then accept responsibility and attempt to find a way to open them. You might not be successful, but you'll never know until you try.

Here is a common situation in which you can accept responsibility. Let's say that the promotion and big raise you really wanted goes to someone else. Rather than being upset and bitter, be grateful you still have a job and accept responsibility for making the situation better. Take responsibility for the things you can change. Maybe the other person got the promotion unfairly. So what? It doesn't matter.

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Here are eight things you can accept responsibility for right now that will give you a better chance of getting a promotion and/or raise in the future.

1. Be honest. Ask yourself if you truly deserved the promotion or did you just want it and feel entitled to it?

2. Create an atmosphere where you can ask your boss in a non-confrontational way why you did not get the promotion. Maybe there was just one thing that tipped the scales. Maybe it was something you didn't know about.

3. Accept responsibility to be open to another person's story. When you are listening to your boss' explanation, just listen. Don't try to rebut, it will just make your boss less likely to share the facts with you. When your boss is done, say "thank you for being honest with me," and leave.

4. Change the things you can. For the items that your boss tells you about that you should change, find a way to change them. For every reason why you did not get the raise or promotion, there is something you can do about it. Do it bit by bit. Success is measured in baby steps.

5. Take responsibility for being a social asset to your co-workers. Be responsible for doing the little things that are free. Smile, be kind and be grateful.

6. Take responsibility for being a professional asset to your organization. Work hard to make your company more successful. Make yourself more valuable. Just come up with one idea a day and write it down. Look for the opportunity to present your ideas to your boss.

7. If you don't know exactly what you are supposed to do, accept responsibility and ask questions.

8. If you do ask questions, take notes. Accept responsibility for not wasting other people's time by not recording the information you ask for.

There are many things in life for which we are not responsible. As it says in many of the agreements and contracts that we sign, these are called "Acts of God." That doesn't mean God had anything to do with it, it just means what happened was beyond anyone's control.

As you walk across a sand dune, the sand shifts and you fall. Shift happens

At the very least, I want you to start being responsible for building your internal prosperity. Nobody is going to care about your ultimate satisfaction in life but you.

Let's say one day you come home and there is a collection notice in your mailbox. If you sent the payment late, don't complain about the notice. Instead, accept responsibility for sending the payment late. Accept the fact that the letter you are holding in your hand now is simply the result of your not taking responsibility for paying the bill on time. Once you do that, you can accept responsibility for doing things differently next time to avoid a similar situation.

In the case of the late payment that you made, one of the reasons the payment was late was you had not developed a keen sense of awareness.

The Fourth Attribute – MINDFULNESS

To be mindful is to be aware of what we are doing and what we are thinking — of our intentions and how we see them through in our actions. To really know when we are happy and appreciate the things we have, we must be aware of things that are not going well. To be aware of the bad times and then benefit from them, you have to live in the immediate moment — the now.

When the late notice arrived, you got upset, ranted and raved for an hour or so and it ruined your whole night. If you had been aware early on, you would have sensed that the bill was getting late instead of being surprised. You would have been aware that since the payment was late, you might receive some communication about it. Be aware.

Mindfulness is important to help you identify those things around or within you that are blocking the way to internal prosperity and satisfaction.

Use mindfulness to set the alarm that will ring in your head before you make a huge purchase. Be aware that you might be making this huge purchase for reasons other than needing it. Ask yourself these four pre-purchase questions.

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The Pre-Purchase Questions

1. I feel like I really want this. Why?

2. What does this thing represent to me?

3. Once I buy this, how will it make me feel?

4. If I don't buy this, how will I feel?

Copy these questions down on an index card and slip it in your wallet or purse. Pull the card out when you need it.

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Use these new moments of awareness to investigate your beliefs and to be introspective. When you go to make that big purchase and ask yourself the four pre-purchase questions, really talk to yourself. Then, make note of the answers that surprised you.

The Fifth Attribute – INTROSPECTIVENESS

Who are you? The hardest person for us to answer to is ourselves. Introspection is an asset in striving for internal prosperity because we need the ability to examine our beliefs and uncover the motivations behind what we do with money, credit and debt.

When you asked yourself the pre-purchase questions, did some of the answers surprise you? Maybe your inner voice said that one of the reasons you were making the purchase was because it was a status product for you. It was a physical item that you could use to show others how important you are. Maybe it was a house in a certain neighborhood or a specific type of car or dress. Maybe if you purchased it and others saw it, it would make you feel more included. You can save a lot of wasted money by being honest with yourself. You might surprise yourself and find that your answers tell you that you are buying something because it gives you joy and there are no hidden messages. That's when buying stuff is the most fun, when it's just for your own (or your family's own) good.

As you contemplate your thoughts and feelings you may find something you don't know how to resolve. If you have a good friend with whom you are comfortable sharing your secrets, talk to them.

You can write your thoughts in a journal and let your stream of consciousness flow to the pages and see if you gain more insight. Or you can always seek the advice and assistance from a professional. Whatever path you choose, do anything but live your life in a vacuum.

The thought of being introspective to many is a new concept. Many people never examine their beliefs, motivations and behavior. They tumble through life and always wonder why they never have as much money as they would like. I would estimate the average person spends less than a week, in an entire lifetime, being introspective. If you listen to yourself a little each day, you might not like what you hear at first, but you can change the things you don't like. Reward yourself for the things you do like. Nobody is going to pat you on the back for your victories. They can't hear your inner voice and see your progress. Be kind to yourself.

Let's say you are out shopping with friends at the mall. If you find it hard to be introspective in the middle of a busy mall, here are some ideas that will help. Excuse yourself for a few moments and either find someplace to go ("I have to go to the

restroom. I'll be right back."), or take a lap around the mall. ("I'll be right back. I have to go look for something I think I lost.") You don't need to tell them you're looking for your internal honesty. As you walk, kick in that soft, focused gaze and talk to yourself. Ask yourself the pre-purchase questions.

If you have the pre-purchase question card in your wallet, pocket or purse, the card will help prompt you with the questions.

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Here are some real answers to the pre-purchase questions:

1. I feel like I really want this, why?

"I really want it because my friends are with me and they said it looked cute and they all said they had one just like it."

2. What does this thing represent to me?

"I guess it makes me belong because now I have a sweater just like my friends. I mean, they are not better than I am and I deserve to have the same thing. Don't I?"

3. Once I buy this how will it make me feel?

"I'll feel good at first, but then I'll just regret buying it once I'm not around them anymore. I'll get home and kick myself for buying it."

4. If I don't buy this how will I feel?

"If I don't buy this, my life will be fine. Besides, I'd rather put the money I save toward a cruise. I guess the hardest thing for me to deal with right now is how I'm going to get out of not buying this with all my friends around."

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As you walk back toward your friends you should have answered all four questions and the answers should have drawn you to decide if you should really buy the item or not. If you no longer want to make the purchase, gracefully move the group on to something else. Trust me, they'll be easily distracted by the next fabulous item.

It's OK to buy the things you want as long as the reason is not to impress others or present a dishonest facade.

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Here are some good answers to the pre-purchase questions.

1. I feel like I really want this, why?

"I want a nice pen that writes comfortably and does not hurt my hand. I think this is the one I've been looking for. It's a bit pricey, but I can easily afford to pay for it when the statement comes and it will improve the quality of my life."

2. What does this thing represent to me?

"It's kind of a cool-looking pen, but it's really just a comfortable writing instrument. I don't really care what anyone thinks about my pen."

3. Once I buy this how will it make me feel?

"I'll tell you what. It will make my hand less crampy after writing during those long meetings."

4. If I don't buy this, how will I feel?

"If I don't buy this, my hand will be disappointed but life will go on. If I don't buy this one I'll keep looking."

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As you spend a quiet moment being introspective, you might discover that whatever it is that you are buying fills a need in your life and you can afford it. Buying things that improve your life and that you can afford is healthy and fine.

Money is like butter. It works better when you spread it around

Once you examine your motives for desiring something, over time, you will develop confidence in yourself and your decisions. You'll learn which purchases are for utility and comfort and which are just for show.

The Sixth Attribute – CONFIDENCE

If you practice and come to embody the first five attributes of internal prosperity, confidence will come. Confidence is the state of knowing who you are, why you do things, that the things you do are considerate of yourself and others and, finally, the things you do are always executed in the spirit of gratitude.

Confidence can be the most elusive building block of internal prosperity. There are many things that happen in our lives each day that easily erode our confidence. Our minds can race ahead and create imagined situations or events that can shake our confidence if we let it. If we are not careful, we rob ourselves of deposits in our confidence bank.

" _You'll never succeed."_

" _You'll never be happy."_

" _Nobody likes you."_

" _You are stupid."_

" _You are ugly."_

" _You are miserable."_

Our inner critic has a full-time job and guaranteed lifetime employment. It is true: The person who holds us back is our enemy, and sometimes our enemy is us.

As long as your head is full of frequent, pre-programmed negative messages, there is no room for new opportunities in life.

If you don't believe in yourself, why should anyone else?

Maybe while you are reading this book you have a flash of inner honesty. Maybe you'll silently admit to yourself that you have been picking up the tab at lunch because it makes you feel more important and successful. The thought of not picking up the tab makes you uncomfortable. You are afraid that if you don't pick up the tab your friends will think you are not as successful as you want them to think. Aren't some of your money issues caused by your spending money to portray a false self-image?

Do you have the courage to act differently next time the check comes? Will it be uncomfortable? Probably, but as long as you accept that possibility, you can prepare for it.

You've programmed your friends to react a certain way when you are there. They now expect you to pick up the tab. Changing your ways and their idea of normal is going to take courage and the belief that you can accomplish these programming changes.

In this case, you need to have the self-esteem to know that you are a valuable person. You deserve to have people want to be around you for who you are rather than for access to your money. The worst-case scenario in this situation is that you may discover that some of those hangers-on were not really your friends, they just wanted a free lunch.

There's no such thing as a free lunch...unless someone else is paying

Some people who struggle with severe self-esteem issues say their inner critic is talking to them almost 100 percent of the time. You can imagine how hard it is to consider new possibilities and opportunities when your inner critic is constantly reinforcing your inability to achieve anything. Unless you can reduce the volume of your inner critic's voice, you can't let prosperity in. Developing a stronger self-esteem is one of the foundation building blocks for internal prosperity. All of the opportunities for you to achieve external wealth can be lined up at your door, but if don't feel you are adequate enough to open it, you won't.

There are many helpful books, tapes, classes and therapy sessions that can help you overcome self-esteem issues. Rather than continue to be your worst enemy, pursue other possibilities, find solutions and take decisive action.

Once you develop a healthier respect for yourself, you will have the ability to share your love and kindness with others. What fun is external wealth if we hate who we are inside?

One gentleman I know has worked in the same job for years and years. He feels hated by his co-workers, picked on by his boss, is in therapy, on medication, has a lousy relationship with his family. He is constantly telling himself what a failure he is. His inner critic is a huge bully. Worse than any you can imagine. He gets internally beaten up every quarter hour, awake or asleep.

But wait, there's more. His finances are a wreck. He is underpaid for what he does and he refuses to change a thing. Yet, he is constantly complaining that his life is horrible. I've made every effort to help him find a new job so he can increase his income. He can't even take the first step and get me his resume. This man is destined to remain in his own hell on earth because he can't break free. Sadly, his perception is that he is a victim in every situation. He believes he is powerless to take control. He feels he is not worthy of a better life. I'm still trying.

By focusing on building your internal prosperity, you will build your confidence. As your confidence builds, you will begin to appear less nervous and more self-assured to others. It's an easy and inexpensive way to impress others without spending a lot of money.

The creation and presence of confidence gives you the inner support you need to be comfortable with yourself and to accept the answers that come to you from your inner voice. You are what you are. Even if you are currently less than you want to be, you should be proud of yourself for reading this book. Be confident that you will begin to implement what you learn to improve your life.

Sometimes your confidence can be shaken because you don't know the rules. Let's say you go out to eat with new friends. As you sit down, all the place settings are kind of close together and you forget which bread plate is yours. Is it the one on the right or the left?

If you want to be confident about which one is yours whenever you go out, here is a simple trick. Put your hands in your lap and make an OK gesture with both hands simultaneously. Notice how the left hand looks like a lowercase "b" (for bread) and the right hand looks like a lowercase "d" (for drink). Notice how you instantly feel confident about which plate is yours. Don't you feel just a bit less stressed?

You have to have confidence to be able to take advice from your conscience about money. You need confidence to believe in your decisions. In life there will be a long line of people waiting to tell you when you do things wrong. One study of parents and children found that in an average day, parents told their children 432 negative things and only 16 positive things. And we wonder why we don't have more confidence.

Along with heightened confidence comes the danger of too much confidence. Too much confidence can blind us to the facts. When we are blinded by excessive confidence, we make mistakes. When we make those mistakes and feel embarrassed or frustrated, we should remember to be humble.

The Seventh Attribute – HUMILITY

You know people with humility. They are the people we trust with our secrets. The people we call when we are in trouble. The truly humble are also the truly powerful; they are at peace with themselves and derive great strength from being confident that they belong in the world and have a purpose in it.

Every one of us will live and die. We are human. Being constantly aware of this humanity helps us develop humility. Humility is like the counterweight to confidence. When they are perfectly balanced they help your soul to swing like a pendulum. It might rock from left to right but it is always balanced.

You need humility to understand that you are only human, and no matter how hard you try, you will make mistakes. Let's say you come into a sudden large sum of money. Be grateful for your windfall but also be humble. Just as you received it, life can take it away. It is a gift, a happenstance.

Humility is also the ability to understand that you are never superior to any other living being. Oh sure, you might moan and complain about things here and there, but deep down in your soul, be humble — aware that you are a fortunate, special person and whatever good fortune you have is a blessing.

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" _You are entitled to nothing. Be thankful for your last breath and your next."_

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As I sit writing this I have my favorite headphones on — I use the same pair in our radio studio and they are a blessing — I really appreciate them. The padded ears keep out almost all outside sound and create a musical universe inside my head, which is incredible. The Baroque music is caressing my brain and I am humbled that someone so talented could write music so beautiful. Imagine the incredible talent that must take, in addition to years of dedication and study. I am awed by it.

Instant Humility

Imagine being the president of the United States, the leader of the free world. You'd probably feel pretty cocky wouldn't you? Almost everything you want is at your beck and call and you have the power to wipe almost any country off the face of the world. You've got the power! No matter how full of yourself you might get, can you imagine being at an official state dinner and vomiting on your host? That's what happened to the elder President Bush at a dinner with the Prime Minister of Japan. Then the television news played the clip over and over for millions of people to see!

Life has a funny way of letting you know where you stand.

The Eighth Attribute – SPIRITUALITY

Spiritual people acknowledge the existence of the transcendent, a power that is good and more powerful than they are. It's hard to talk about spirituality without using the word "God." The moment the "God" word comes up it can create all sorts of baggage that prevents us from even having a conversation. My comments about spirituality have little to do with organized religion. For that matter, they have little to do with your ideas surrounding what "God" is.

Let's cast aside your previous notions about what the word God may represent for you. Let's see if we can take it down to the very base level of spirituality and agree that there is a possibility that a higher power can exist — call it whatever you want.

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" _God is non-denominational."_

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Before you can build your own strength, you need to recognize that you can turn to a power outside yourself for help and assistance. Your strength will arise from your recognition of your weaknesses and limitations.

My biggest life hurdles have given me a peace and knowledge I would never have otherwise experienced and I'm grateful for that. I already told you about my bankruptcy experience and the pain that I went through. I wouldn't trade it for the world. If I hadn't lived through that and other bad times, I certainly wouldn't have gained valuable insight that has helped so many other people. I don't blame a higher power for allowing me to feel that pain and I don't allow that trauma to become a weakness. Ironically, what others may perceive as my greatest financial failure is truly the root of my greatest strength.

I will make mistakes in life, but I rely upon my higher power to help me use those experiences to become stronger. I know now that valuable information can come out of bad experiences. While this valuable information might not be apparent at the time, when you look back you have to accept responsibility for your part, listen carefully for the lesson and have faith.

To achieve inner prosperity and peace within ourselves we do not have to have a belief in an organized religion, but we do need to at least accept the possibility of a higher power.

While you might have been raised in an organized religion, for many it has created a complicated spiritual environment. In order to develop a healthy level of spirituality, be open and flexible. Allow others to determine for themselves what their higher power means to them. Let them deal with the rules, beliefs and rituals they have created for demonstrating their faith.

Be open, be flexible, believe

To be a spiritual person, you do not need to pass the plate, make a pot luck dish, get on your knees, fight your way out of the parking lot on a crowded Sunday morning, shave your head, beat your chest or confess a thing to another person. You do not need to label your higher power to believe. There are about 210 recognized, distinct organized churches, belief systems and denominations in the United States. Each group has similar, different or opposed beliefs. It gets very complicated and exclusionary.

For the most part, people make believing in a higher power far too complicated.

To achieve internal prosperity, you just need to believe that a higher power can exist and that the higher power is more powerful than any woman or man. We have no power over our birth and, for many, no power over our death. Your presence on earth is not an accident. You are a blessing, a special treat. Try to incorporate this idea into your spiritual life. You don't deserve bad fortune any more than good fortune.

Take prayer, for example. People think they're entitled to make demands of their higher power instead of asking for guidance and listening with an open heart. Many people's prayers are nothing more than a shopping list of things they want to have. For some, praying is nothing more than a one-way wish. Stop talking at your higher power. Take a moment to consider another way to pray, because prayer can be beneficial.

Instead of praying at your higher power, have a conversation. Talk to your higher power whenever you want. You don't need to face a certain direction, watch the sun, be in a certain building or wear certain clothes. You can talk to your higher power whenever you want and wherever you are. You can be in line at the deli or watching a sunset on a cruise ship with a warm tropical breeze. When you have a conversation with your higher power, share news about yourself, ask for help, ask for guidance and, most of all, be grateful for those things which have provided you comfort or made your life special today.

If you find yourself struggling to break the use of money to replace the emptiness in your life, ask your higher power for help in opening yourself up to new ways of living. Keep a watchful eye and an open ear for solutions. How do you listen? Learn to be a good listener. How to become one? Ask questions of yourself and then give yourself the time and space to hear the answer.

If you find that you are uncomfortable living within your income, ask your higher power for guidance. If you are having trouble working through any of the 10 building blocks of internal prosperity, ask your higher power for help. If you are abusing money to change the way you feel, ask for direction when you feel yourself getting the buzz.

You will be amazed how often a solution will appear. It might not be right away but, for the most part, answers to your questions will be apparent if you are watching and listening for them.

Can you get help from other people to help you solve problems or uncover beliefs when you believe in a higher power? Of course you can. Prayer or belief alone does not replace your need to seek practical or emotional assistance. For many years, alcoholics have sought comfort and assistance from Alcoholics Anonymous. Some of the founding principles that have helped hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of members get better include a spiritual component.

The Spiritual Components of Twelve Step Programs:

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Decided to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God to be.

Admitted to our higher power, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Resolved to have a higher power remove all these defects of character.

Humbly ask a higher power to remove our shortcomings.

Sought, through prayer and meditation, to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Does a higher power exist? Do miraculous things happen? Let me share with you an event that changed my life.

After I graduated from high school in 1977, my friend Larry and I spent the following summer traveling around the Eastern United States in my 1969 light blue VW bus with mirrored windows. It had "Scuba Steve" painted on the back. All right, I was a scuba diver. What the heck was I thinking?

It was a great vehicle to have as long as you were going downhill and a crosswind wasn't blowing. If you've ever owned one of these, you know what I'm talking about. It's the only vehicle that I've ever had that would change lanes by itself if a truck passed me or I was crossing a bridge in a stiff breeze. It had the engine of a food processor and if the fan belt broke, I could use a rubber band as a replacement. One time, the accelerator cable broke and I drove home using a string tied to the carburetor. It was strung from the engine in the back, over the roof, through the sunroof I'd cut slightly off center, and hung down next to me. If I pulled the string, I'd accelerate.

I learned to be very patient driving it. The engine could barely keep the thing moving up hills. I think my fellow motorists thought it was really nice to be behind me on long, uphill, two-lane, can't-pass country roads. It must have been great for them because by the time we finally crawled our way to the top, I'd pull over and they all would raise one finger at me as they raced past. I'm sure they were telling me, "Hey buddy. You're number one."

One day Larry and I were cruising through Tennessee. Just logging a lot of middle-of-nowhere, nothing around, country highway miles. We were passing through the hills and couldn't get any radio reception. We had been together for so many days that conversation really wasn't necessary. We just sat and stared straight ahead and drove in silence.

As we came down a mountain with trees on either side of the highway, we rounded a steady right corner to see about a half-mile straight section of highway followed by a steady left curve to come and more big hills. About six cars were in front of us and about the same number behind us, coming down the mountain. We were in a loose pack.

As we rounded the curve, I could see there were no cars headed in the opposite direction toward us. Our pack was really the only group of cars we had seen in a while. A Ford Pinto with what appeared to be four adults in it, was pulling off to the right hand shoulder. Just as the Ford came to a complete stop, a large car ran straight into the back of it traveling at full speed. The Pinto exploded, the car that hit it exploded, the cars in front of me collided and some exploded. Fire and cars engulfed the highway in front of me. There was no time available for me to react. I was already on top of the thick walls of flame that had shot across the highway from side to side. I glanced in the rear view mirror and the cars behind me were skidding and colliding. I was in the middle of a train wreck and I was going to die because I knew that if I hit my brakes, the cars behind me would hit me and I'd wind up in the burning wreckage. All of a sudden a window opened in the wall of fire, large enough for me to pass through. I was the only vehicle to make it through. Nobody else made it. I successfully negotiated the immediate left curve, raced to the next exit and called for help.

Why were we the only vehicle to pass through the sheets of flame? Was it the cushion of air from in front of my vehicle that parted the fire? Was it a higher power that allowed me to be the only vehicle through the death and destruction? It was pretty damn miraculous, that's all I know.

Don't anticipate your higher power. She works in ways you can't predict

The forecast says a flood is on the way, but a man refuses to leave his home. The water rises to the top of the first floor of his house. He goes to the second floor. A rescue boat comes to the second floor window and the rescuer says, "Get in. Let me save you."

"No", the man says. "I believe in God and God will save me. Go on."

The water rises to the top of the second floor and the man climbs to the attic. A rescue boat comes and the rescuer says "Get in. Let me save you."

"No," the man says. "I believe in God and God will save me. Go on."

The water rises to the top of the roof and the man is perched on the very top of the roof. A rescue boat comes and the rescuer says, "Get in. Let me save you."

"No," the man says. "I believe in God and God will save me. Go on."

The water covers the house completely and the man is swept downstream and drowns. He arrives in heaven and asks, "God, why did you abandon me? I believed in you."

God says, "What are you talking about? I sent you three boats."

While we are on the subject of spirituality, let me ask you this, don't you think your higher power would want you to have money if you had internal prosperity and could handle it? After all, external wealth with inner prosperity is a healthy balance. Your higher power wants you to be prosperous, wealthy, happy and loved. Do you?

The Ninth Attribute – FLEXIBILITY

If you cultivate flexibility in yourself, you will be able to meet challenges without breaking. A common metaphor in Eastern thought comes to mind, here: A strong wind can blow over the massive but rigid oak, but because it bends with the wind, the willow stands after the storm.

To be prosperous you need to develop your ability to be flexible — open, inquisitive and accepting of different points of view and possibilities. When you are stuck in a deep rut, the only thing you can see are the walls of your rut. There is a whole new world outside your hole. You just can't see it.

Consider new possibilities and you open yourself up to new solutions. If you can't be open enough to think outside your box, you will never break free.

Easy Possibility Exercise

Take a piece of paper and write PROBLEM at the top. Write out a very detailed and clear explanation of the problem that you are trying to overcome. You will refer back to it as you go.

Next, place that first page in front of you so you can constantly go back and read it over and over as you develop solutions. Take a new piece of paper and write "SOLUTIONS — PRACTICAL" at the top. Write a description of a possible solution. Number them as you go. Between each solution, reread the problem statement. Write another possible solution and then reread the problem statement. Repeat this as many times as you can until you can no longer think of solutions. By rereading the problem statement each time, it will help you spot areas of the problem you have forgotten about and it will clearly focus you on what the actual problem is.

Take a new piece of paper and write "BELIEFS" at the top. Read the problem statement and write out your beliefs about that situation and statement. Number them as you go. At the end of each belief write "Why?" and answer the question. Why do you have that belief? If you find that your beliefs are primarily shaped by others, you've really got to question those statements. Are you trapped in something a parent told you, or maybe a teacher or a friend? Just because they said it was so, does not make it so. They've just closed your doors to openness by giving you boundaries you now allow yourself to be trapped within.

Next, when you run out of practical solutions, get a new piece of paper and write "SOLUTIONS – FANTASY" at the top. Repeat the same procedure as before, read the problem and write down a solution. Start dreaming and start writing down fantastic solutions. It doesn't matter how practical they might be. By writing these down, it will open you up to new possibilities you may not have previously considered.

Finally, take the last sheet of paper and write "SOLUTIONS TO INVESTIGATE" at the top. Go back and reread the problem, beliefs, practical solutions and your fantasy solutions. See if you can't find a solution by combining those parts of fantasy solutions that can be achieved with practical solutions with which you may be more comfortable. Consider those beliefs that you've carried with you but have never questioned before. By demystifying some of your beliefs new solutions are possible. Is there one solution that you wrote that might work? I bet there are a bunch.

Here is an example.

Problem:

I am the designated bill payer. My husband won't do it. When I get home at night I'm tired. When I'm at home taking care of the kids or doing stuff around the house it leaves me little time and energy to focus on paying the bills. I need to find a better way to pay the bills before they are late.

Solutions – Practical:

1. I could hang a calendar in the kitchen and, when a bill comes in, I could stick a thumbtack in the calendar about seven days before the bill is due as a reminder.

2. I could make out a schedule of bill due dates and stick it to the fridge.

3. I could make out a list of recurring bills, like the utilities, cable, mortgage, etc., that are due on the same day each month and leave that list posted on the fridge.

4. I could ask my husband to help me.

5. I could take my bills with me to work and pay them there where I'm a bit more organized.

Beliefs:

1. I'm a good wife and mother. I should be able to manage my day and get everything done. Why? Because that's what I was told by everyone growing up. That's what a good wife and mother did: everything.

2. I should be good at paying the bills. Why? We'll that's what I was told growing up, but now that I think about it, I'm really not sure why.

3. There should be enough hours in the day to get everything done. Why? Because there should be. That's what I've always been told. OK, I'm beginning to see a pattern here.

4. Managing the bills is easy. Why? Now that I think about it, my folks always said that paying the bills was easy, but I can remember times when they were late. Maybe they didn't practice what they preached.

5. Everyone can pay the bills. You just do it. Why? That's a good question. Does everyone have the work, car pool and home schedule that I do? No. I doubt everyone could deal with all the stuff I have to do and pay these bills at the same time.

Solutions – Fantasy

1. I could hire someone to pay my bills for me. When my bills come in I could call my bill payer and let them know. Then they can pay it for me.

2. I could win the lottery and pay off all my bills.

3. I could buy a computer and use a program to organize bills for me.

4. Have the bills sent to someone else and let them deal with everything.

Solutions to Investigate

1. If not everyone is good at paying the bills and there just isn't enough time in the day, why don't I hire someone to pay my bills for me. The bills can be sent to them, they pay them and give me a household allowance. What a stress reliever that would be.

Overheard at dinner:

Mom: "What kind of Jell-O do you want? I have cherry and grape."

Child: "I want orange."

Openness also means the ability to select from options available to us and not hold out for something that is not a possibility at this time. Sadly, you might miss out on a tremendous life opportunity just because what you are being offered does not match your expectation. Be open to new possibilities. Be responsible for thinking if

there is a way they can work for you. They might not, but at least consider them.

Here is an example of a situation I see all the time. A couple says they need some additional income. If they don't find the money they will fall behind on their bills, might lose the house, car, or wind up in collections. The conversation usually goes like this.

" _Have you considered the possibility of increasing your income at your current job?"_

" _There is no hope."_

" _Have you thought about making yourself more valuable to your employer so that when the next raise comes around, you'll have a better chance?"_

" _They won't do it."_

" _Have you explored the possibility of a part-time job to supplement your income?"_

" _I don't have the time."_

" _Have you considered looking for a new job which will pay you more?"_

" _I saw a job that would pay me more, but it meant I would have to relocate and I'm not moving."_

Can you picture what the outcome is like in this situation? Can you see how that when we shut ourselves off from possibilities we close the door on the opportunity to achieve our goals and lead a rich and rewarding life?

I realize that anything beyond our perception of normalcy is sometimes uncomfortable. Sometimes we really do want orange but our options are only cherry and grape. If you can't accept cherry or grape for now and work toward orange later, you'll have nothing.

Nothing is what you get when you won't open yourself up to something

Being open means you are willing to tear down your walls a bit. If you don't tear them down and let others in, you can't get out.

When it comes to your money, be open to new ways of dealing with situations other than trying to buy love and affection. Consider things you have not tried before. Try meditation, exercise, proper diet, spirituality, outside assistance, etc. While some of these ideas may be new and uncomfortable, some may also be the path to the happiness you seek. Your fear of trying is keeping the door closed.

The Tenth Attribute – HONESTY

For many of the people I have helped over the years, the fact that they are dishonest with themselves has prevented them from achieving happiness. The simple inability to see their situation for what it is holds them back from reality. The inability to listen to some honest messages coming from inside and outside of themselves holds them back from opportunities to be happy.

Be honest with yourself. There are plenty of other people who will lie to you

If you feel entitled to have more money, be honest about your willingness to make changes and sacrifices to achieve that goal.

For example, I was thinking about pursuing another master's degree, this one in substance abuse counseling. While I would really like to complete the program, it's expensive and I cannot honestly say to myself that I would be able to make a multi-year commitment to devote the time necessary to completing the degree.

Rather than launch into something that will be very expensive and not finish it, I've decided to pass. However, that does not mean I can't learn more about it. There are many books I can read, seminars I can attend and people I can talk to about the subject and learn a lot on my own.

Sometimes I see people jump into expensive endeavors without thinking it through. They drop out of jobs and go back to school, move across country or start their own businesses, all of which costs them loads of money they don't necessarily have. All because they could not be honest with themselves.

If you feel as if life has cheated you, be honest with yourself about why, and take steps to fix that situation.

If you feel you need to spend money on others or they won't love you, be honest with yourself. If they only love you for your money, do they really love you? Are you getting a good return on that investment in false friends and false realities?

If you feel you need to make huge changes in your life before you can be happy, be honest with yourself and see if, rather than running toward a new opportunity, you aren't running from your present life.

Be honest with yourself about what it is you really want to achieve. Ask yourself, will money alone make me happy?

* * * * *

### Chapter Seven

The Attributes of Internal Prosperity in Action

Brian and Nancy had lived a fabulous life full of everything everyone wants. They had beautiful friends, sensational parties, the right guest list, the right address and fabulous cars. And all throughout their marriage, life had been...great.

Brian had spent many years working closely with his father and played an integral part in building a successful business. His income was set for life, or so he thought.

As Brian's father neared retirement, his behavior became more erratic. One day, Dad just announced he was leaving Brian's mother. Brian was out of the company and it would pass on to someone else. All of these drastic changes caught Brian by surprise. They also shocked Nancy, who admired Brian's father. Neither Brian nor Nancy could explain why their world had been turned upside down.

Brian's father was a very influential person in the community where they all lived and, for some reason, he started spreading false stories about Brian and Nancy. Those lies fractured business relationships, ruined friendships and broke allegiances all around.

One morning, Brian and Nancy woke up to the fact that no matter how hard they tried to save the life they once lived, it would be next to impossible. So they made plans to relocate. Brian's mother loaned them $1.4 million to help them get established in a new area, away from the craziness Brian's father had created in their lives.

Brian and Nancy found a picturesque corner of New York in which to reestablish themselves. Brian spent the first year coordinating the design and construction of their new, 10,000 square-foot home on 30 acres. Though she had very little business experience, Nancy had set her sights on developing a new career, so she started up a small manufacturing company.

About a year and a half passed and things were not adding up for them, financially. The move consumed more of their assets than they had anticipated, and they noticed that funds were getting tight on a monthly basis. Nancy's business had not taken off as she had hoped and Brian was still trying to reinvent himself.

Brian and Nancy asked me for help. They knew they had to do something. They were very aware that the financial situation was near meltdown stage. Just the month before, they had sold their airplane, baby grand piano and some oriental rugs to make ends meet. Cash was almost more precious than water to them.

Brian and Nancy were brave. Some of the issues that we worked through were difficult to face at first — just like strange noises in the closet at night? Slowly, we opened the closet door, pulled out each scary item, examined it, and found that it wasn't so frightening after all. Then, we moved on. The last item in the closet was the toughest to face — what kind of life were they entitled to in the future?

At first, Brian and Nancy were stuck in the belief that they had to live the lifestyle they had become accustomed to, but after a couple of months of trying to make things work the old way, they developed the courage to try something else.

After listening to their dreams and goals it became apparent that while they were struggling to regain their old life, it wasn't what they really wanted. It was clear that if they had managed to hold onto the old life and the values that created it, they wouldn't be truly happy.

Brian and Nancy found that the way to work out their financial problems and work toward happiness was buried within them and, as we talked it through, we managed to identify that their real goals were to live life on the West Coast and enter a new field of employment. The new life also meant substantially less income, at least at first, but they were willing to give up the home, cars, acreage, planes, parties and everything else to find happiness.

Before they could relocate Brian and Nancy had lots of loose ends to tie up. Their small business had several employees who were like family. Brian and Nancy had to terminate their employment, which was painful for all concerned. But because they had to do it, Brian and Nancy had to be honest with these people about their struggles. Revealing what felt to them as weakness actually gave them strength.

Not long after acknowledging their financial problems and resolving to go down a healthier path, Brian and Nancy found the perfect little townhouse to rent. It sure wasn't the palatial home they used to think they needed, but it was affordable, and the extra money they didn't spend on housing allowed them to pursue their dreams and goals. The move across the country placed them much closer to their grown kids, and that brought them joy. The reduced expenses allowed them to focus more on projects which brought them income and personal fulfillment which, in turn, brought them happiness.

Looking back, Brian and Nancy were able to see how the clutter of their past life and the inability to let go was like an anchor around their neck. They found the strength necessary to make hard choices and open the door to their new life. They were willing to pay a high price in the short term for the life they wanted in the future.

Since that time, life has been an adventure for Brian and Nancy. While there were some adjustments along the way, they found their path to happiness in reinventing themselves. The price for Brian and Nancy was the pain of shedding their old life and the struggle to become who they really wanted to be. The good news is that they are paying Mom every month the money they owe her, the income is coming in and, best yet, everyone is happy.

Brian and Nancy developed the attributes and skills necessary to turn their lives around. They came from a life of having almost everything they wanted, and it's hard to appreciate how difficult it is to lose it all.

Finally, there were several very apparent differences between Brian and Nancy and many other people who suffer through similar issues. They were not bitter, angry or vengeful. Brian and Nancy were kind, grateful, responsible, flexible and humble. They approached their situation as an adventure, and looked forward to where their path would lead. They welcomed the idea that they could change their lives for the better.

A Gift That Lasts a Lifetime

Crystal and Susan lived on a tranquil waterway in a lovely part of the country. They had been partners for years and had developed a comfortable life together. Last year, they spent almost $50,000 on renovating a bathroom, but this year they were struggling to make it month to month. Susan had even used part of her retirement funds to pay for day-to-day expenses, and there wasn't much left.

Susan had a job where she earned a nice, six-figure income, but the company suddenly went out of business and left her without cash flow. The job separation package could have been better, but at least it provided her with several months of income. Susan had friends at other companies who had lost their jobs and had not received any severance pay at all.

Her professional life had always been somewhat charmed, so Susan felt that finding a new job would be simple. She still had a reasonable chunk of money in savings, so she felt she could wait a couple of months before starting a new job. Crystal was a teacher and had the summer off, so the timing of the loss of the job worked out well.

The only problem was, when Susan tried to return to work, she couldn't find any jobs. Most employers said that since she had made so much in the past and had so much responsibility, she was overqualified.

After struggling for several months, Crystal and Susan reached out for help and contacted me. They were very aware of the reality of their current situation. They realized that the money was drying up fast and they had to make some hard choices. One major hurdle we had to get over together was the ability to see that their future life might be very different from their past life. It took a lot of introspection and honesty for them to face what was most important to them in life. What they discovered was their deep love for each other and the realization that a future life together was going to be better than any other life apart.

With great humility they asked for help and said they were ready to make any decisions necessary to move ahead with their lives. The pressure from their creditors was increasing daily, but they found the confidence to hold their course and not go into an emotional tailspin every time another collector called. You see, they had a plan.

The plan would take some time to put in place, but after working together, each day was another day closer to a solution, rather than one filled with fear.

Crystal and Susan had decided that they would sell their home by the sea and downsize their life. They were prepared to let go of the material possessions they could no longer afford, but a funny thing happened in the process. Their ship came in.

Unexpectedly, Crystal had a relative who passed away and left her a home. She sold the home and it generated enough money to pay her creditors back, in full. At the same time, Susan found a job paying about the same salary, but in a different industry. While prepared to pay the price and make the changes necessary, by sheer chance they did not have to and, to this day, they enjoy their home by the sea.

The financial trauma, while painful, was a blessing. Crystal and Susan developed strength from the experience, which helped them to focus on what made them happy in their lives. Gone are the days of expensive weekends that brought them fleeting happiness — they have found more joy out of walking together on the beach. Rather than meet friends out for dinner, they now invite everyone over for casual meals by the pool. Life is so much sweeter for them now because they were given the gift of gratitude.

* * * * *

### chapter eight

Your money is your friend.

Once you slow down your consumption of material goods and learn to find happiness within yourself, you will find you have more money to save and invest. You will be able to do much more with what you have and you will be surprised that more will follow. Your external wealth will naturally build as you begin to invest and save the money you would have previously wasted building your facade.

There is a television show that presents a person, or couple, each week who are living what they feel is the good life. Almost each situation presented is the same. A person determines that the life they had been leading, while externally successful, was leaving them internally empty. At some point in life they decide that their future happiness is more important that what they have and they chuck their life's baggage. They follow their dream, which involves hard work and some sacrifice and find the inner satisfaction and peace that had eluded them for so long. It is scary to have that much dedication or guts to throw your current life away to follow your dream. What kind of guts does it take to never take action to make your life better? Are you a coward or a hero?

#

" _If you never take a shot, you're guaranteed not to score."_

#

I know a guy who worked a steady corporate job and was not satisfied with his life. He did something about it. He decided that what he really wanted to do was be a movie critic. You'd think that movie critics would be a dime a dozen. I mean, isn't everyone a movie critic?

He and his wife had many frightening conversations about his leaving a regular paycheck behind. He worked for the U. S. Government and everybody in Washington pretty much knows you almost never get fired from a government job. So the household income was slashed and his wife carried the burden of making enough money to keep the lights on and food on the table. More importantly, they agreed to change their lifestyle so their needs fit their income.

During the day, the hopeful movie critic would drive to a theater to watch a preview of an upcoming movie with other local critics. He'd take along a small tape recorder and swear into it. Actually, he was tracking the number of swear words and other nefarious stuff so when he got home, he would track and rate the vulgar language. You see, his niche was doing movie reviews for parents to give them a clue about what was actually in the movies before their kids saw them. The idea was to inform the parents in advance so they knew if the movie was appropriate for their children. His reviews include the amount of swear words, violence, sex and so forth. His wife would ask, "How was your day honey?" His answer: "I saw a movie and it had only 24 'F' words, 14 'S' words, 10 'H' words and 4 'SOBs.'"

His wife: "That's nice, dear."

After about a year of swearing in the dark, his income rose from nothing to about twice as much as he made at the steel grey government job. He was making more money than he had hoped for; his career shot through the roof; and he was pursuing his dream. Best yet, he got paid to curse and looks forward to putting his pants on every day and going to work.

If you just read that last section and you are thinking of quitting your job to follow your dreams, keep reading. The vast majority of clients I have worked with over the years have failed businesses. Basically, it was because they were running from something rather than running toward their passion. They had this perception that being your own boss is fabulous and you get to work leisurely hours.

Creating and growing a business is really hard work. When I started Myvesta in 1994 in the attic of my old, tiny, cramped house. We worked every day of the week and twelve hour days were the norm. A national holiday was just another day you worked but got caught up on your backlog because the phone didn't ring as much.

So you see that with passion and a lot of hard work, it is possible to chase your dreams and catch them. You've just got to be smart about it. When you work at something you love, you will love to work. If you love your work you will be a happier person and closer to achieving the state of inner prosperity I've been talking about.

Wealth: internal prosperity's little dividend

Once you have gained internal prosperity, external wealth is actually very easy to achieve. Think about the stories of the forklift operator who retires at age 70, dies a year later and donates 15 million dollars to some charity. How did he do it? Easy. He saved almost every dime he made and invested it. It doesn't take a financial planner with a three-battery calculator to figure out if you eat macaroni off paper plates, send people back the Christmas cards they sent you last year and never take a vacation, you can build up a nice nest egg. That example is a little extreme, but I hope it makes the point.

The best way to grow your net worth is to work with a financial professional who understands that slow and steady investing wins the race. There are plenty of books available on the technical side of investing and you have no problem finding gurus, pundits and other help.

Your parents never told you the truth about money because they didn't know it. It wasn't a conspiracy and they didn't avoid telling you because they hated you. Most kind and loving parents simply fake their way through life when it comes to money.

I have assisted many families with money issues over the years. It's not unusual for mom and dad to be clients, but the kids need help also.

Bless their hearts, parents do the very best they can with the limited information they have at hand. So where did they learn about money? Probably from their parents, an advisor, advertisements, a class or two a few years ago, commercials, watching PBS, their gut and maybe some home study on personal finance. What kind of messages are you going to get about money from that kind of education? Not very clear ones.

Watching shows or taking classes about managing your money are a lot like watching home improvement shows. I love to watch "This Old House." Over the years they've educated me about all sorts of home improvement tasks, but there is no way in the world I would actually do most of that stuff. Just because they taught me doesn't mean I learned. Some things are best left to professionals.

So if you never learn about how you subconsciously use money to manipulate, enhance your image, or even as a substitute for honest emotions, you are never going to understand the truth about money. If you didn't read this book, where would you learn it? Probably at the commencement ceremony as you receive your Ph.D. from the School of Hard Knocks.

Who is going to clue you in? "Vanna, is there a Z?" Buzzzzz. It's hard to find a trusted advisor.

Who do you trust and what do you have to watch out for?

How do you find people you trust? People have been deceived and misled by people who have degrees from all the best schools, work in all professions and come from all walks of life. Recently, a town discovered that the guy who was running a funeral home and was getting paid to cremate bodies was dumping them in the woods and giving the families urns full of gravel. Yikes!

So how do you find people who you can trust?

The majority of people are good souls who try to do the right thing most of the time. But you always have a responsibility to educate yourself about the service for which you are paying. I'm always a big fan of a second or third opinion. If you feel unsure about the advice or guidance you've been given, ask someone else with comparable skills for their educated opinion. The truth and the path you should follow is probably a blend of the advice you receive from multiple sources.

If you wanted to ask people questions to screen them out you'd have to ask them the following questions and hope they would answer them honestly.

1. Why do you do what you do?

2. Are you going to mislead me just to make the sale?

3. How badly do you want my money?

4. Are you happy?

5. Do you really know what you are doing or are you just faking it?

People shoot themselves in the foot all the time because they are always looking for the cheapest advice or service and then they are disappointed when it turns out to be less than they expected. You simply can't be surprised by that. When you are looking for advice and guidance, don't shop by price alone, that's just foolish. Good people who don't charge a fair rate for their services have issues. They don't value their time and if their time and advice is not valuable to them, why would it be valuable to you?

Let's look at some common types of financial advisors people turn to and the hidden motives these folks can have.

Before you get your britches all twisted in bunches, dear reader, I want you to know that there are lots good folks out there you can trust. You've just got to search around a bit.

_Financial Planners & Stock Brokers –_ Some are only looking to make the sale. They are interested in getting their hands on your money and create a lot of fees managing your money. If you don't have a bunch of money already, most don't want to waste their time with you.

_Banks and Credit Unions –_ Some employees get bonuses and commissions from maxing out their customers. They want to prevent customers from being able to afford to move their business to another bank or credit union. Bonuses are also awarded for giving out credit cards, debit cards or more accounts. Banks and credit unions need to make money to stay in business, so they push their products, like any business. They do it to make the sale, not necessarily to maximize your rate of return.

_Credit Card Companies –_ You cannot be surprised when a credit card company approves you for a line of credit that you later feel you can't afford to repay. When you agreed to take them up on the offer, you agreed to the card and its terms. You agreed to repay the money. If they gave you a credit limit that was too high, you can say "No way." If you think the credit limit is too high, ask them to lower it. Deep down, you might feel tempted by the available money if you are still using money to create a façade of happiness and success. And if money still is a vehicle for you to use to act out your inner conflicts, guess what? Chances are pretty good you're going to get in over your head.

_Lawyers –_ Lawyers are legal experts and most are not financial professionals. If you need to draw up a legal document, to be represented by counsel or to have the law interpreted, call a lawyer. But if you are dealing with money and investing, bring your question to a professional who is qualified to answer it.

_Credit Counselors –_ Credit counselors are not financial experts. Almost all are lay people who only use one tool, a debt management program, as the sole solution. This is just a payment consolidation program in which creditors dictate the terms you get. It is not real help. Every year we hear from so many people who were incorrectly told to file bankruptcy by a credit-counseling program. This advice is given after a cursory review of your budget by someone who may simply be sizing you up only to see if you can afford their payment program.

_Mortgage Companies and Other Lenders –_ The age-old justification for getting big mortgages and car loans is that they are good debt. Who are you kidding? If you go out and buy a big house and fancy car because you want to project a false image and pretend to be successful, go right ahead. Just don't talk yourself into believing that it's a good move or that the lender is to blame when you get in over your head. Secured lenders are more than happy to let you wander out on a limb because if you don't pay, they will take your house and your car. You are not so important in your town or life that it won't happen to you. If you abuse money and get in over your head, you will lose. It will create pain in your life and in the lives of the people who care about you.

Credit cards don't create debt. People create debt.

Think about your available credit like an account at the neighborhood grocery store. Is it the grocery store's responsibility to monitor your total food consumption or check the nutritional value of what you're eating? Of course not. But isn't that what you are asking credit card companies to do? "Mr. Rhode, we won't sell you these Doritos. You've got to put them back. You've had more than your share of calories today."

Think about it. Take responsibility. Be honest with yourself. I'm keeping the Doritos.

There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to money. Living your life by ratios and tables is insane. Live your life like it is your life.

There is no healthy percentage of what you should spend on cable, food, housing expenses, etc. The numbers you see in those suggested tables are just the geek's view of your life.

Like I always say, the mean is mean. Nobody is average. The mean (average) is just the average of what folks spend. It does not mean that it is a recommended place for you to be. Stop living your life by tables and charts. Stop searching for who you should be. Find who you really are and start living. If you need boundaries, use birth and death. Everything else is up to you.

Live your life for maximum fun and enjoyment while balancing it out with prudence and responsibility. Take that magazine article you just read that told you to only spend 30 percent of your income on housing expenses and pitch it in thetrash can. You should not feel the least bit guilty if you spend more than the recommended average in a certain category, as long as you make adjustments elsewhere. The ultimate goal when it comes to money is to spend less than you make, save some for the future, grow it if you want to by investing it and HAVE FUN.

Steve says, "You should spend as much as you can afford"

OK, Steve, are you crazy? Is that an invitation to blow my paycheck? Because if it is, you are nuts. I'm not nuts and it's not an invitation to foolishly blow your check. What your parents never told you is that you need to be a responsible spender. If you could get some balance in your money life, then you'd stop squirreling money away out of fear and you'd stop spending more than you can afford because you are bored, unhappy or deceiving yourself.

There is a balance. A balanced approach to money is a tool you can enjoy that will bring honesty, pleasure and safety to your life rather than lies, fear and depression.

I'm going to tell you what to do right now. I'm even going to give you an easy list to follow, but you will want to fold down this page so you can find it again. You might as well fold the corner down right now.

How to Have an Honest Relationship With Your Money

1. Ask yourself the pre-purchase questions from Chapter 5 before you purchase any luxury item.

2. Have a good idea where your money is going. Track your cash.

3. Measure how financially responsible you are by your levels of debt and available cash in the bank. One should be going up and the other one down. Guess which.

4. Buy only those big items you are willing to lose. If life took an unexpected turn tomorrow, would you hold on too tight to the new item because it has a hidden meaning for you? Would you sacrifice good decision making just to have whatever it is? For example, you buy a nice home in a great neighborhood. Your income drops, but rather than downsize to live within your income, you sacrifice fun, you deprive yourself of a reasonable life, your family has to do without health care and other necessities just so you can keep your status symbol. Let it go. It will be all right. Just remember, the only guarantee that life gives you is that you die. Everything else is a bonus.

5. Seek happiness. That means that you should spend some money to do stuff that brings you joy and not just temporary numbness. If you've always wanted to go on a cruise or a tropical vacation, then do it for the experience, not the status value. But do it within what you can afford to spend. For example, spend money having a professional photographer take a family portrait that will have a sentimental meaning for years to come rather than flashing some designer handbag or techno gizmo at your friends to show them how hip you are. Don't spend money to send false images or signals to others. Spend money to feed your soul.

6. Take the money you make, meet your obligations, save some and have fun with the rest. Live in the moment. I've seen too many people save and save for retirement, only to die six months after quitting work or getting sick before they are able to do those things they want to do. You can do both. Live today and save for tomorrow. If you simply focus on saving for tomorrow, then you won't be able to live the rich and fulfilling life you want to live today. If you spend everything today, you won't have anything for tomorrow. "Balance, Grasshopper."

7. Dream about what you want to do. Uncover a way that you can use your money to help you accomplish those goals without blowing what you've got, using credit or borrowing from family or friends.

Let me tell you a story about parting with your money. I remember standing in front of a counter debating about the purchase of a $600 video game system. "It's a stupid purchase," I said. "In a couple of months it will probably be out of date, there will be something better out there and I can save the money for something else." I paced back and forth, up and down the aisle.

After I thought more about it, I bought the game system and here's why. I decided I could afford to pay cash for it without shirking any other responsibility. So what if I did not use it a year from now? It was going to give my family a whole lot of fun and enjoyment until then. I decided that we really would use the game system and that it would allow me to convert my hard-earned money into healthy family fun. I'm glad I bought it, it was a blast. Life would be even better if I could master Frogger. I'm not sure there are enough hours in a day for me to do that. It's amazing. I can straighten out people's financial messes, but I can't get that frog over the river and through the door. The ironies of life.

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### Conclusion

Listen to your Heart

When you realize that you are experiencing pain and grief, and this pain and grief is coming from financial problems, your first thought might

be to look for a magic solution with a dream ending. The most common dreams I hear people mention are loans, lottery and bankruptcy. They are all short-term fixes, not long-term solutions.

I want to be perfectly clear about this next point. Life gives you no guarantees. I can't promise you anything other than if you follow the advice given in this book, you can survive your problems and emerge a better person for it. It worked for me and I've watched it work for many, many others.

Sometimes, when people come to me for help, they have a predetermined picture of how they want their situation resolved. They envision that their creditors are all going to fall over and accept whatever offer they propose to repay their debt. They imagine that their relationships would be better if they could just pay their Sears bill or a bunch of other stuff that is not realistic. Often the reason they can't see reality is because they are in denial. We already talked about denial.

If you listen to your life you will find that it has a funny way of giving you the right answers and, while they might not always be apparent and they might be what you least expect, they often make themselves known later. For example, when my family and I were suffering through our financial problems, did I feel like it was a blessing? No. It took me three years after our bankruptcy to see how my experience could help others. Since then I have tried to listen to the lessons life has presented to me and now I present them to you.

I hope this book gives you the guidance to become as happy and rich as you can stand. Live your authentic life. Be at peace.

I hope we can meet one day and when we do, I'll give you a big hug and congratulate you for doing the bravest thing in the world: looking within and not shying away from what you see. While you're looking around you might see something you want to change about yourself, so change it. But if you give yourself a chance, I bet you'll also find some pretty terrific stuff you can use as a foundation as you build a happier life.

The power to be happy and at peace lies within you right now. All you have to do is let it out.

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Steve Rhode runs http://GetOutOfDebt.org, where he provides free advice and help to people facing money troubles. Rhode is the author of The History of Credit and Debt and is co-author of Get Out of Debt: Smart Solutions To Your Money Problems and The CheapMeals Cookbook, The Beach Misses You, and How to Eliminate Your Debt Like a Pro. He co-writes a weekly column that is seen in more than 50 newspapers around the country, he produces money advice segments that are carried by 60 radio stations and he regularly adds his expert commentary on money and life matters to CNN, MSNBC, PBS, ABC, CBS and NBC. Rhode is interviewed weekly for books, newspapers, magazines and radio programs.

"Before you try to 'fix' your money problems, read this book. You'll learn how to create lasting and positive change." **—Gerri Detweiler** , _The Ultimate Credit Handbook_

"A warm and engaging account of the often-unrequited relationship between money and happiness." **—Samuel J. Gerdano** , American Bankruptcy Institute

"What if money really is an over-the-counter drug that we use to medicate our problems? Like a banking Buddha, Steve Rhode shows us how to examine our relationships with money and wealth to positively change our lives." **—Eric S. Friedman** , Montgomery County, Md. Consumer Affairs Division

"Steve Rhode offers life-altering wisdom on how to change the way you look at money – and how to lead a happier, more rewarding life." **—Rick Bialobrzeski** , GreenPath Debt Solutions

"Reading this book feels like sitting by the fire, having a heart to heart talk with a favorite uncle." **—April Lane Benson, Ph.D.** , _I Shop, Therefore I Am: Compulsive Buying and the Search for Self_

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