I GOT--I GOT
STREET CART FOOD RECENTLY,
BUT I GOT, LIKE,
A BAD PIECE OF CHICKEN,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,
WHERE THERE'S LIKE A LIGAMENT
OR A TENDON IN IT
OR SOMETHING?
IT WAS LIKE A WET CRUNCH,
AND YOU CAN, LIKE,
FEEL THAT SOMETHING DIED
FOR THIS MEAL, YOU KNOW?
LIKE A BIT OF ITS SOUL
GOT TRAPPED IN THE TENDON.
WHEN I BIT INTO IT,
IT SHOT ITS FINAL THOUGHT
THROUGH MY BRAIN LIKE,
"I LIKE SUNSHINE.
WHAT'S IN YOUR HAND? AHH!"
(laughter)
RUIN YOUR DAY.
COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO,
I GOT REALLY INTO HARRY POTTER.
(scattered cheering)
HAVE YOU--AH!
IT'S REALLY GOOD!
THE BOOKS,
I'M NOT DONE WITH THEM.
NO SPOILERS.
I'M ON BOOK SIX.
BUT I RESISTED FOR YEARS
'CAUSE I WAS LIKE
IF THAT MANY PEOPLE LIKE IT,
HOW GOOD COULD IT BE?
PRETTY (bleep) GOOD!
(laughter)
IT'S PRETTY (bleep) GOOD!
AND NOT JUST FROM
A MAGIC THING, LIKE,
FROM A VICARIOUS STANDPOINT,
YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE IT'S THIS KID,
HE TRANSFERS,
AND THEN HIS LIFE
IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
AND, LIKE, I TRANSFERRED IN
HIGH SCHOOL AND IT WAS AWFUL.
IT WAS, LIKE,
PEOPLE DISLIKED ME
JUST 'CAUSE I WAS NEW.
LIKE ON VALENTINE'S DAY,
THESE (bleep) SENT A GIRL
A BOUQUET WITH MY NAME ON THEM
AND THEN A BIRD (bleep)
ON MY HEAD,
AND I HID
IN THE LIBRARY ALL DAY.
THAT IS A TRUE STORY.
NONE OF THAT IS LIES.
BUT HOW AWESOME WOULD
IT HAVE BEEN IF I TRANSFERRED
AND EVERYBODY WAS LIKE,
 "YOU'RE KUMAIL NANJIANI?
(laughter)
"YOU'RE THE MOST FAMOUS BOY
IN THE WORLD!
(laughter)
YOU ARE NOW THE SEEKER
ON THE QUIDDITCH TEAM."
THEY PLAY QUIDDITCH.
BUT HERE'S MY ONLY THING
WITH HARRY POTTER.
THIS IS MY ONLY ISSUE WITH IT.
SO THEY, UH--
THEY GO TO THIS SCHOOL
AND THEY TAKE CLASSES,
LIKE DEFENSE AGAINST
THE DARK ARTS
AND POTIONS AND DIVINATION,
BUT THEY SHOULD BE TAKING,
LIKE, MATH ALSO, RIGHT?
WHY ARE THERE NO MATH TEACHERS
AT HOGWARTS?
OR HISTORY OR GEOGRAPHY?
THEY'RE GETTING TESTED
ON CARE OF MAGICAL CREATURES.
NEVER HEARD OF THE HOLOCAUST.
(laughter)
IT'S IMPORTANT INFORMATION,
I THINK.
AND I DON'T THINK THEY'RE
GETTING TO IT
IN HISTORY OF MAGIC.
I DON'T THINK THEY'RE LIKE,
"IF YOU THINK VOLDEMORT IS EVIL,
"THIS (bleep) GUY.
(laughter)
"AND HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE
THE KILLING CURSE.
HE HAD TO (bleep) DO IT.
HE USED ENGINEERING."
"ENGINEERING, IS THAT ONE
OF THE UNFORGIVABLE CURSES?"
"NO, IT'S JUST A PRACTICAL
APPLICATION OF PHYSICS."
"PHYSICS, IS THAT ONE
OF THE UNFORGIVABLE--"
"YES, IT IS."
(laughter)
(laughs)
I JUST MOVED TO CALIFORNIA
A FEW MONTHS AGO AND--
(audience member claps)
OKAY.
THEY'RE LIKE,
"GLAD YOU'RE GONE!"
(laughter)
AND I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW
IT THAT WELL,
AND I HAD A SHOW
IN ORANGE COUNTY,
AND WE ALL KIND OF KNOW IT
FROM, LIKE,
"THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE
COUNTY, " YOU KNOW, SO--
(scattered cheering)
(laughter)
YOU MIGHT NOT LIKE
THIS JOKE.
(laughter)
SO IT HAS A REPUTATION,
YOU KNOW?
THEY'RE, LIKE,
CLOSE-MINDED, WHATEVER.
SO I WAS KINDA NERVOUS.
HOW IS IT GONNA GO?
I WAS KINA NERVOUS. I GET THERE.
I GET OUT OF MY CAR.
LITERALLY 10 SECONDS
AFTER I GET OUT OF MY CAR,
THIS CAR PULLS UP,
THIS GUY POKES HIS HEAD
OUT OF THE WINDOW,
YELLS AT ME, HE'S LIKE,
"HEY, KUMAR! WHERE'S HAROLD?"
AND DRIVES AWAY.
TEN (bleep) SECONDS.
LIKE, HE'D BEEN WAITING
AROUND THE CORNER FOR WEEKS,
LIKE "I CAN'T WAIT FOR
A BROWN TO COME TO TOWN!"
(applause)
"I'VE GOT A POP CULTURE
REFERENCE
THAT WILL BELITTLE HIM!"
AND I GOT SO ANGRY.
WHENEVER SOMEBODY'S RACIST
TO ME, I GET SO ANGRY,
AND I WAS TRYING TO THINK WHY
AND I THINK IT'S 'CAUSE
WHEN SOMEBODY'S RACIST TO YOU,
THERE ARE NO COMEBACKS.
THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN SAY
TO WIN.
'CAUSE WHAT AM I GONNA DO? BE
RACIST BACK TO THEM?
NO,
BECAUSE I'M NOT RACIST,
AND MOST OF THE PEOPLE
WHO ARE RACIST TO ME ARE WHITE
AND IT'S VERY TRICKY TO TRY
AND BE RACIST TO WHITE PEOPLE.
LIKE, WHAT AM I GONNA BE,
LIKE, "OH, I'M KUMAR?
WELL, YOU'RE THE LEAD IN MOST
MOVIES THAT COME OUT."
(laughter)
SLAM!
I THINK ABOUT IT FOR NIGHTS.
LITERALLY, I CAN'T SLEEP.
LIKE, THREE NIGHTS LATER,
I'LL BE IN BED, LIKE, AWAKE,
THAT GUY WAS SO RACIST TO ME.
HE CALLED ME KUMAR, WHICH IS
PRETTY CLOSE TO MY NAME.
(laughter)
THAT'S JUST
A (bleep) COINCIDENCE.
THAT'S THE ONLY REASON
I WANNA BE FAMOUS.
I WANNA BE SO FAMOUS THAT I'M
THE POP CULTURE REFERENCE
THAT PEOPLE WOULD MAKE
TO TRY AND BE RACIST TO ME,
YOU KNOW?
SO I'LL BE WALKING DOWN
THE STREET,
AND A CAR WOULD PULL UP
AND BE LIKE,
"HEY, LOOK AT THIS
KUMAIL NANJIANI.
OH, (bleep),
THAT IS KUMAIL NANJIANI!"
THANK YOU FOR KNOWING MY NAME.
BRENDAN FRASER?
I DON'T KNOW.
HE'S THE WHITEST GUY
I COULD THINK OF.
THANK YOU SO MUCH,
GUYS!
(cheers and applause)
