 
64 Year Old Baby

By John Fredrick Carver

Copyright John Fredrick Carver 2015

64 Year Old Baby

PART I

Testimony of a 64 Year Old Baby

Chapter 1: Who I Am

I am that I am. Therefore that I am comes from God. That I was not was not before God. I AM THAT I AM allowed me to be according to human decision in the beginning. I know a man that is, but will not be soon, and never will be again. And that man I was not, still is for a little while, but will not be again was a physical being. But in that I would become that I am, will be and will never cease to be though for a short time I am still with that one that will not be when at last I see God to be for ever and ever; that is I am with him in this physical body; as all that he was is changed into all I ever was I can now say, "I am, even what he once was, though he was a spirit dying since his initial corruption only to be made alive again by his conversion, the end of his being; its death. He is even at this moment like a dead spirit possessing this physical body he shares with me until such time all that he ever was has become that I am from physical birth to this present time onward to the point I shed this cocoon we share and experience the metamorphosis of my being that has shed the physical and become spiritual, body and all in my entirety." This is not my memoirs therefore, but the fact of my being as I metamorphose from that he was to all that I am, but then in the past now being changed, the following is also true of me yet for a short time at least:

I was not. Then I was. Just like everything God ever made. I was made to be part of it and allowed to be that I was in it which was all that God intended I should have been all along, even as the mere spiritual being I would become in my mother's womb wherein I was like anyone else whether by the decision of human beings or by the will of God, created like Jesus of Nazareth or allowed to be like everyone else, except Man and Woman whose descendants have been allowed to have children since the time of their creation on earth in Eden after they left banished to this earth we shared.

All except Man and Woman were like a blank page before a skillful Writer in the womb and even Man and Woman were that at one time also, even as Jesus of Nazareth was once while in Mary's womb. Our thoughts are not our own anymore than God's thoughts are our thoughts.

Can a fetus decide what to feel? He can only react to stimuli, the manifold greatness of the love of God. If it wasn't for God the fetus he was, would have been nothing for ever and ever and like everything else they were either created by God or they were allowed by God to come into existence with God; being real, true and proof of the nature of God from the moment he knew of their coming onward to all they became; good.

But they are not all physical. You may look for the physical body of a baby not born because of human decisions whether by birth control; that is from nocturnal emissions, masturbation or onanism, progressive evils all the way to full birth abortion; but you will not find it to be a physically living being. Yet they live. They speak to us and to those that have attempted to cut them off from being, an act of hatred existing in the evil will of humanity, not God. There is no more love in nocturnal emissions, masturbation, onanism and birth control than in full term abortions. All are evil. All are murder.

What God created, allows to exist or has ordained or allowed beforehand, exists as evidence of the sinfulness of humanity. The Devil need not accuse us before God. We know we are guilty of that sin. May holy God forgive you and me if we have been party to any of it, whether by participating in it or allowing it to occur among us. There is no one among us that is guiltless, except Jesus Christ who was, then was not physically among us, then was God physically with us, and now is not physically among us any longer either, but will again be among us in the last day.

But just because something or some one is not physically with us, does not mean they do not exist, or that they are actually not with us in spirit the same as they are with God whether murdered or taken by God because they were with God all their lives, regardless of how brief or how very long that life was whether cut off even before conception or taken like Enoch and Elijah.

Among humans, Adam yet lives and so does that fetus screaming as the abortionist's forceps crush its scull and he or she screams either physically and, or spiritually to God and to us in protest in his or her innocence that is at this very moment being murdered, whether good like holy God or evil like the Devil.

All that are, are that they are. And a sensitive soul may hear them, feel their anguish and their pain whether it is the remorse of Adam, the conceit of the Devil or the physical or spiritual pain in the innocence of the aborted and the extreme goodness of those prevented from ever having a physical form or viable conception, those like Onan's child that would have resulted from the sexual union between him and Tamar, or those murdered by the least affective contraceptive or operation known to humanity.

Are they not? You know that they are. Holy God, forgive us. Amen.

For all I know all of my own children are among them. Not one of them survived if there would have been any. I do not know for I may be infertile. Forgive us, Almighty God. Amen.

Several of my own siblings, whether brothers or sisters I don't know at present, but one day I will know those martyrs, had their physical bodies destroyed by a coat hanger before pills were invented to do it with greater effectiveness and with lesser risk to their mother; my own mother also.

Therefore I ask, "Let us declare a day of mourning for the prevented among us, a moment of silence before holy God in which we admit we have been convicted of such crimes and have been affected by such sins; and let us change our minds, ask forgiveness of any our sins have wronged and refuse to be participants in any of that ever again for ever and ever in love for them lest we be deemed evil; demons to them, even on the New Earth, in Heaven, in his Church, and during our worship despite our prayers for ever and ever, now that we are convicted and know that God has shared with me and now with you also." If you read this, you are no longer ignorant of something you now realize was true though hidden in your heart with the rest of the truths of God and convicted you felt guilt as God had intended it, didn't you? You know that you did once. Even so let it be, dear LORD. Let it be.

As a writer I know firsthand the potential of a blank page. Consider the page Moses wrote the word translated from the language he wrote it in to be the word "In..." in English that was also the beginning of the holy Scriptures. But God did not allow him to be prevented, his conception did occur, he was born, his physical form housing his spirit was among the ancient Hebrews, Midianites and Egyptians and God shared the beginning of the Scriptures with us through his writing instrument, though actually it was the writer of Job many years before Egypt was even a nation wherein Scripture began and later then was remembered and included in Scripture.

Praise God for his memory! Holy God remembers every one of us he intended to give physical being. He remembers everyone one of us murdered by anything even nocturnal emissions all the way through full birth abortion, everyone of us abused or neglected to the point of their physical demise, every martyr and every one whose spirit was destroyed by any evil of any kind. Will he not restore them whether here or in the New Earth beyond without end?

Are they not angels, messengers testifying of the goodness and love God intended to lavish on us? They would be angels sent from humanity to God, but God does not accept our evil in the form of messengers from us. Are they not rather blessings like presents we refused from our God and that we murdered, that were murdered by evil men and women that had their spirits destroyed by devils to become demons in human form or inhabiting the physical bodies of human beings, and also those that were killed by activities we were not meant to ever be involved in that are so dangerous they plucked the lives of those that loved and were loved from among us or even those yet in their evil that would have been so and done so, despite any evil?

Do not give up on God.

In my case for example I dwelt 64 ½ years in this evil world and grew up in a Godless environment and was at last freed from all evil by a patient loving God that cast out the dead spirit that had possessed me for so long I thought I was him. But I do not consider the difficult time spent in that evil a waste of time, that would be evil; loveless, unrighteous, and not of God to whom I look for the completion of my salvation as anyone else that knows the true and real God, being surrounded by him in whom I take my being and in his love.

I am forever grateful as indeed anyone like me or you who really knows God should be or are, for to be less is to be evil and evil cannot know God the way those I am speaking to also do. Were I thus as I am now, the last moment of my physical life would I not also be grateful? Would not everything I thought, said and did before that be to my shame and to God's glory the same as you? Who ever to finally realize what we have realized, does not consider it the same?

Let us then have one more moment of silence for those that never did, do not now and never did realize that as they descended into the lake of burning sulfur in their end. Then let us forget them for they never really were from God, created by God, or ever even really had the potential to be anything beyond the point they became like the Devil, the false prophet and the beast that was called the anti-Christ; all of whom were merely a bad dream even God has chosen not to remember since they have no further place not only in heaven but in reality any longer, anymore than they ever really did.

There is nothing to remember of them. How can we or even God remember that? He has chosen to render that impossible even for him. They were not, then they were but they became the fiction they allowed themselves of their own accord to become and not just fiction, but a fiction so horrible even they would no longer desire to hear of their part in the Devil's lies, for the Devil himself has only remorse for ever, for having once come up with it in the end also. Wasted imaginings no one, not even they care to hear of ever again for ever and ever; nothing!

Praise Almighty God for his ultimate mercy in their case had there been one in the end. All the glory be to God. Everything glorified God even their horrific fiction by contrasting itself to the truth of reality the only thing besides himself God never needed to create. Praise God! For to Almighty God is all the glory!

Chapter 2: Mental Disorder

He was born into extreme poverty in Gemmel, Minnesota in 1951, in ancient times to many of you I am sure, it being over 64 years ago at the time of this writing. He was the eleventh son of his father and the seventh son of his mother which is nothing to me, but seemed to always have had some unexplainable significance to him who is not to be with us long at the time of this testimony. He was also the next to the youngest of the 20 children his father claimed as his own though there are rumors of others born to his father in adulterous relationships he was somewhat notorious for having had.

His mother had ample reason to practice abortion then by means of a coat hanger that punctured several fetuses, my siblings, not to mention it left her womb with many scars from punctures to the sides of it. These siblings were passed from life to death before birth and came out not unlike any ordinary miscarriage. They were so numerous and fostered so much guilt in my mother's soul she bore the exact number of her victims in her heart in secret with her the entire way to her grave.

May she be in Heaven forgiven and joyful at this very moment. If anyone had their spirit tried to the point of murdering the unborn she certainly did. My heart went out to her when she was physically among us, but now it is my great hope that God in his mercy has her surrounded by all of her children that may have preceded her and the several that have followed since her demise from complications due to Alzheimer's disease in the year 2001 at 93 years of age.

My father, may the one-not-long-to-be-with-us' suspicions of his spiritual place at the present be in error. Dad died at the age of 88 years in 1983, preceded in death by his first wife, a stillborn infant plus two little ones lost in a house fire, their older sister to Hodgkin's disease and possibly another older daughter murdered in Washington State.

My father lived through and often boasted about a very sinful existence that brought him into a deep depression in his later years. But the one soon not to be with us had the privilege of comforting him to whatever extent he managed to do it in his father's old age. I think he loved that one for that, as much as any aged sinner may. He had a big, soft, heart and often said he was proud of that one I am not, but it seemed to come not only when he did something good or admirable, but also when that one showed a particular likeness to the sinful life his father once led which gave his father a real charge and sent him deep into that which resembles joyful reveling when it comes from the heart of such a man.

Despite all the condemnation heaped on his father from his other children and others that knew of him, he seemed a moral man throughout much of the time I remember him and definitely in his latter years until the time he was dying. At the time when he was afraid of dying during his last days on earth he asked that one I am not what he should do. It was that one's opportunity to witness to him for that one knew all the right words, yet something, perhaps that evil dead spirit that possessed him, or embarrassment, may he never know, but it is possible that perhaps it was God who prevented him. Whatever was the cause it also caused guilt in that one's soul for many years for it was something he had not intended not to do and yet he didn't do it as one sins and craves forgiveness for what sin has done and not themselves to begin with, but with sin itself having actually been the culprit.

My father had led a very hard life and any trust he may have once had in God was lost when two of his little ones were lost in a house fire on a poverty stricken farm near Northome, Minnesota, years before the one I am not was born, a thing he never forgave God for and a thing he never stopped knowing was far more his fault than God's since the man he blamed for starting the fire was one of his many victims, cheated in a crooked deal involving an old car. His father thought that particular victim had retaliated in that manner until the very time of his demise many years later. May God have granted him peace.

The house was completely destroyed and forensics was nonexistent in them days. But he became a changed man from the day of the fire even onward to the hour he died, placing the blame on God each time he felt convicted of his own part in it all the way to his painful end; 8 massive coronaries in just a few days later which ultimately caused his heart to burst.

At that time he was directed by his loving wife to proceed to the a light he asked about in the last words he ever spoke on earth about a glorious light he saw in the afterlife. Could even my father be in Heaven? As I suspect now he could have if it might have been possible they never knew his true self after he had changed so remarkably according to my mother after the fire; but is it, or is it not evidence of the demonic activity that plagued him to his final moments spent alone with my mother, his wife for over 60 years, a time when those evil creatures may have departed and left his saved soul to God?

The one that is soon to perish was greatly disturbed by the physical demise of his father. He saw his father himself once sitting in his favorite chair watching him watch television unnoticed at first for it had been his father's custom to watch TV from the other room though his father claimed to despise doing that on many occasions before he died. His ghost sat there in his favorite chair as usual until moments after the one I am not looked right at him and shortly before that one said his name which went unnoticed by his mother who was also in the room with his father's spirit at that time. The one that is soon to never be again was comforted by the sight of his father seeming to be enjoying his rest. He had been almost certain his father had been in torment up to that moment.

After days, perhaps weeks of pleading and begging God to allow him to see his father after that, God relented and allowed him to see the spirit of his father seated similarly in a chair as was his custom, seemingly relaxed. But when later he doubted God as he often did, he saw the entire room wherein the first vision had taken place and it was clear his father was being forced to sit in that position under threat of severe reproof if he did not by entities that were either angels or devils. Knowing his father in the way he thought he did, it might have occurred either way since he might not have seen much difference between angels and devils being such an independent, strong willed, man that readily resisted any order, but since the devils' or angels' purpose had been to deceive that one I am not he was very troubled once again, understandably figuring his father was being ordered about at least by his deceivers, which to him could only mean devils.

He was so disturbed by the second vision and so moved by his human love for his father he vowed to himself to lead his father to Heaven even should he have to sneak him in somehow or in his anger bust him out of Hell. He began manipulating God and devils alike, often pitting one against the other in a spiritual war as far as he was concerned, continually distracted by evil and disappointed by good resulting in little if any real progress toward his goal to the point even he had to admit he was possessed. So he went to a First Lutheran church to pray, but found no relief.

The dead spirit that possessed him lied upon many occasions after that saying that he even went to a Roman Catholic church to be exorcised, but alas it was merely fiction as so much of that the spirit or spirits that possessed him at that time told were lies like that in an effort to utterly destroy any or all of my credibility with anyone but God should I come in their end which I have.

In the end of it, though he had ample proof the situation and the personal disturbance was spiritual he opted to buy into the delusion he was mentally ill, which he had no proof of, continually doubted and in the end of it, it was also proven to him that delusion of mental illness was never once true like all of the Devil's inventions that are merely ever changing theories, baseless in reality and which contain all of the earmarks of lies so many so called learned, caring intellectuals opt to believe despite their near total lack of anything credible in their doctrine in an effort to ease the suffering of spiritual disturbances of so many types it would be redundant to name them all herein and it would also serve no viable purpose at all.

He never was mentally ill, or did he have a mental disorder, in all his dysfunction; such things do not exist. They are all spiritual confusion interpreted as certain noticeable manifestations and the physical and spiritual effects of torment caused entirely by evils of many kinds and types, several of which he gave names to; fictional names to evil entities and also devilish activities used against his spirit known to produce definite spiritual and physical responses that further or destroy the current psychiatric theories of well meaning intellectuals taken in by them that deem such things symptoms which they are in a way if signs of devilish activity can be called that by sentient people with good intentions are to be comprehensible.

He was none of that and I am none of that, for there is no truth to it. It is merely the expected physical effects on people's brains that affect their minds, emotions and even that which involves the wills of human beings when such things are believed by them to have power over them, a thing ignorant human spirits have no power to resist, being evil themselves with no way to insure God's help so long as the evil entities keep them distracted from good, God's angels, and God himself until at last they wouldn't believe God if he appeared in person to them in a burning bush experience like Moses had. He was evil; thinking evil, saying evil things, doing evil things and believing evil things even as he is and does now for yet a little while, that little time he has left.

Glory to God the devils finally tripped themselves up. And glory to Almighty God the one not to be with us long relented as he begged God to help him one last time and God relented and I was born in this body again. He and I now share that body as the result because of my glorious savior Jesus Christ, the Lamb of God and the Son of God, who was, then was not and yet is again for ever and ever.

What an amazing God we have! There is astonishingly nothing he cannot do, and no length he will not go to for anyone that truly desires to be saved from spiritual demise. Glory, all glory to God! I am so glad he is true, and real and my Father and God for ever and ever amen!

Even the one in this physical body is beginning to understand as his evil slips away from him and the goodness given to me by God permeates my soul more and more. That I am could not be without he had been strong enough and wise enough to be caused to cry out to God for salvation when I was born within his body and he was finally free to give up the struggle and become what he had been before it all started for he is willing to go to Hell if need be for God and all believers in his conceit, because of God's having forgiven me forever, immediately following each time I have then had to ask for forgiveness for allowing that one soon not to be with us to do anything in my life, for he is only evil all the time and cannot or will not ever do anything, but sin or trespass even when he is at his best just like he was when he was only slightly disturbed at the moment he saw his own mother's casket descending out of Heaven into his spirit.

But if she is here with him and me also, she has also been a blessing to me. Praise the LORD.

He becomes less as I resist him and I become more each time he yields. Soon he will have nothing more to yield. He won't be and that is exactly what he has continually wanted for a long time now. And I will be in accordance with Almighty God's will in the astonishing love of God, my Father and yours if you understand me. And if you do not, it is certainly my hope you know who to ask to explain it all to you, and whom to follow as he leads you to accept it should you be able.

It is the truth and it is very real, but not all can understand it and not all can accept it. That does not mean they will not be saved even as I will be when at last I see God face to face as all believers will in the end. It being of God it is a done deal for no one can oppose it. We are saved. And we, I and they, will be like him for we will see him.

There is no way for it not to happen. God is immutable and there are no limitations on his power. Rejoice. It is real because he is real! Glory to our God in the highest! I am so grateful, please join me in praising God and giving him all the glory. It is my full purpose for being now in love for him, in love for you, in love for everyone and anyone; in love! Be blessed and then continue in God's blessing for ever and ever! Amen!

Chapter 3: His Earliest Memory

An innocent child; the child the LORD loved so much he allowed the one that soon will not be, to have been, it the creature it was most of my life, by human decision, consensual sexual union between his father and mother, some time nine months earlier than his birth back in 1950 when and where he was conceived, a nearly empty page of a life with enormous potential; sat playing with wooden, empty, thread, spools in the front yard of 615 Irvine Avenue in Bemidji, Minnesota, at the tender age of 1 almost 2. He was surrounded by a tractor tire that was supposed to contain him and protect him from the traffic behind him on the busy street.

He was left by himself for a very short time with no one to watch him as is sometimes necessary when such a child has 16 other people his parents must be involved with also. See him now pulling himself up onto the shiny black side of the tractor tire sporting huge black treads barely visible above the uncut green grass on the blustery but sunny late summer day. Watch him as he reaches the top and falls on his face in the grass, his tiny legs and white booties kicking in the air as he rights himself, rises, looks across the busy street oblivious to the traffic and sees only the sign he cannot read that reads, "Case's Corner Grocery," a place his older siblings have been known by him to go to and bring back penny candy to share with him. Gasp as you see him toddle past the sidewalk toward the street as cars pass not noticing him, frightening him as his face becomes contorted in that fear and his body wobbles as he continues to stand, him still being better able to walk than to stand still in one place for very long, the candy store forgotten, but there is still not one of the 16 people in the house anywhere to be seen.

He looks at the street, across to the candy store, frowns and looks back at the yard finally realizing a very strange thing has occurred. He is by himself and free! He suddenly turns to the north parallel of the street and begins to attempt to run up the sidewalk out of sight because of the neighbor's sugar plum trees.

Once he is out of sight he stops and looks back, but there is still no one to see from inside the house. So he turns and eyes the sidewalk the rest of the way to 7th Street that runs perpendicular to busy Irvine Avenue. Then his eyes get very large and a look of awe lands on his countenance as his little brain causes him to realize it is then possible for him to go father away than he has ever been in his entire short little life.

Carefully he makes his way to the side street where he is confronted with an unusual barrier, a curb. He stares at it a moment considering what it has felt like in the past to fall on the hash rough sidewalk, fears pain, looks across the street and sees another barrier, the curb on the opposite of the street, a barrier of a type not much different than the tractor tire. He considers the current barrier, almost retreats and then gets down on his little butt, puts his little legs over the side onto the blacktop of the street. Realizes this barrier is no problem, stands and runs across the street to the curb on the other side.

There is then another barrier. But it is no problem. It isn't as far to the top of it from the street as the first barrier was. So he easily swings his right foot out, places it on the sidewalk above and almost falls backward before he rights himself and wobbling, catches his balance and proceeds on up the sidewalk watching his steps carefully because of the uneven surface of the old gray sidewalk and its many cracks, completely preoccupied by each task that confronts him when suddenly there is a very loud noise!

He nearly falls he looks to his left so very rapidly. It's a dog on a chain inches away from his face! It is barking loudly and showing its teeth and snapping at him. But a woman's voice sharply chastises the horrific black, furry, beast. It looks her way and so does the little boy. She is busy tending a flower garden under the eaves to a very nice house that is strange to the little boy whose house is dirty and run down nearly a block away. But she looks back at the dog but never sees the little boy still partially out of view because of the lilac bushes nearby not far from the willow tree where the dog has been tied up. The dog walks back toward the willow and obediently lies down in the gray dirt below a car tire that hangs from a rope tied among its boughs.

The little boy looks ahead of him and sees the way is much more level and certainly something he can navigate with much greater ease. So he proceeds to the end of the block, steps off the curb and continues on, first one more block then two until finally he comes to 11th Street. But he can't believe his good fortune. There is a candy store across this side street just like the one across the street he first left. His thoughts turn to candy! But he is unable to read the sign that says, "Berg's Store."

He manages the curb. But a car pulls up in front of him. Someone screams at the driver to watch it, there's a little boy in the street. The little boy is scared, frightened by the car, but even more afraid of the strangers, people he has never seen before, a possibility he had never considered until that moment. They were not like the lady with the mean, vicious, dog that threatened to bite him. These people know he's there and they seem about to interact with him causing much more fear than some old dog ever could for they might spank him or take him to someone that would.

A woman orders a young girl to go get him.

The boy knows what those words mean just by the sound of them. He turns and begins to navigate the curb in an effort to escape, but the little girl is upon him, grabs his hand and holds it high in the air. When the little boy resists her efforts to prevent his progress and screams at the bratty girl to leave him be, she allows the toddler to have its way and lets him stand atop the curb again, balanced by her now welcome hand surrounding his.

He looks up in gratitude. The little girl smiles and talks in soothing tones to him, soon leading him across the street to the woman, perhaps the little girl's mother. The woman looks in his dirty little face that is smudged by the black dust on the tractor tire back where his journey began, but he has no idea its there and wouldn't care if he did.

"Where did you come from?" the woman asks, but the little boy finds the question far beyond his comprehension. "The store? Is your mama in the store?" she then asks, but the suggestion fills him with fear for by the lady's tone he fears again the sting on his little butt that accompanies a spanking.

Finally she turns him over to the girl ordering her in soothing tones that shout compassion in the little boy's mind as his spirits immediately brighten. And he willingly walks beside the little girl that holds his hand and leads him into the store. He has never been in a store before. He looks at all the strangers, but very soon his eyes land on a glass bowl shaped like a fishbowl with a top slanted to face the front of the counter. It's filled with more candy than he's ever seen, in one place anyway.

There is a bunch of grown up talk that includes the little girl, then her mother and the man driving the car, but the rest he hasn't seen before and they seem all stirred up over something. None of that concerns him however, until finally they all leave before the kindly old lady steps from behind the counter and says to him, "You're a good boy!". Then someone laughs, and she says, "Well his is! At least he's not crying!"

Then she turns her attention back to him and says in confidence, "You won't cry. Will you!" Then she notices the little boy eying the penny candy jar. "I tell you what!" she says in that irritating patronizing tone the little boy knows grown ups use when they want something from him. Then she reaches back, takes out a piece of candy, unwraps the Hire's Root Beer Barrel, holds it before him and says, "I bet you know your name, don't you?" using that same tone. The little boy doesn't comprehend what that means concerning him, he still calls himself, "Me," and never even, "I" because he doesn't quite understand that yet though others say it all the time and it means they are talking about themselves. "Tell me your name and you can have a piece of candy!" she says and the little boy reaches up to get it. She almost gives it to him. But she repeats her offer, so the little boy ponders what his name might be for the first time in memory and settles on the word, "Me."

Then she laughs and gives him the root beer barrel which he first tries to bite, settles on the disappointment and turns to sucking it, finding it deliciously sweet and flavorful. The lady then lavishes 4 or 5 pieces of candy on him and he sits right there on the floor smack in front of the counter and begins to eat his candy oblivious to the many customers and crowded conditions of the little store.

He notices he is getting nauseous next, but continues to stuff himself with candy until later the bells on the door suddenly make a very loud noise. He looks up and lo and behold it's his eldest sister, her eyes are big with excitement and she is breathing heavy as if she had run a mile. She comes straight for him, scoops him up off the floor, hugs him and he drops his last piece of candy for the day on the floor and looks at it lying there wondering whether he has anymore room for it just before some man in a black suit, bright white, shirt and black tie steps on it and crushes it to smithereens on the stores hardwood floor.

He looks at the man amazed he would do something like that as he comes out with a green, plastic oval, squeezes it and pulls money out of it, hands it to the kindly old lady that runs the store that is now crabby and takes it impolitely, rings it up on the old manual cash register, digs out money and hands it back to the man while his eldest sister thanks him gratefully.

Does she know this strange looking creature? The little boy stares at his sister as they walk out the door ahead of the man, turn and she talks politely with the suited man as he puts the plastic oval back in his suit jacket, pocket and says, "Good day," and looks at the sun. The little boy looks up at the sun and finds its direct light very unpleasant.

"Jacky! What did you think you were doing, running off like that?" his sister asks him while holding him tight in her arms.

"Candy!" he says as she giggles in joy to have the little foundling back in custody; safe, happy and no worse for wear, never once even entertained the idea he might be lost, a concept he probably wouldn't have been able to grasp anyway. He had never been anywhere on his own before. But he never forgot the experience entirely either.

"God," I said as I began this chapter, "Help me recall what it was like that time I ran away the first time."

He did.

Praise the LORD! He had been watching over him all the way! Glory! Glory to God! He loved him as much as he loves me. It was like I was experiencing it all over again, but of course it was him who will not be soon and not me, but just perhaps...?

Chapter 4: To the Ones We Are Not

Am I stealing his memories, memories that will be lost forever when he is no more, memories I don't see now how I will ever be able to forget them? His pain, his frustrations, his anger and bitterness all born in a self-righteous soul that couldn't help itself as it spun out of control in horrible fits of anger even at an early age. I feel for him.

Is that why he is still with us?

I mean, I'm so happy, so full of joy and he never knew that; not even once, there was always something holding him back, something that ruined it for him, something he expected, something he knew about himself that left him wanting to, but never quite being able to love himself with a love he believed despite himself and in all his spite for the world, did exist, was real, but was either unattainable by him, or had turned him away in a near constant stream of rejections he felt was justifiable given who and what he was deep down somewhere inside. He was jealous, full of envy, full of desire for it, but it belonged to rich people whose lives were almost perfect, to ministers and their families and it ate him up; this knowledge of love, perfect love, existed and anything was possible if one had it.

And he bounced back and forth between his extremely impoverished spirit and his angry animosity for those that had anything even resembling it. It ate at his soul. It threatened to destroy him more and more, and yet something in him wouldn't give it up.

There was a God like that! And he couldn't even imagine it being any longer. It was like being three cents short for a pound of beans and having to go hungry because the store clerk hated poor people and wouldn't budge on the price, though the fourteen cents the beans had cost that same day would have been enough at closing time the day before when the clerk had changed the price! For he had arbitrarily raised the price and he would not accept a penny less.

Though they had found a nickel and two cents under the couch beneath the dust and grime and he had been so happy they would at least have something to eat until the first day of the month despite the fact his dad had gone out and drunk again. There never was enough. And the rest had so much. It was nothing to them. But it was the world to him, to the entire family, the difference between love being real or just a fantasy.... one... more... time.

Yet, he had no right to hate though he did, he wanted to anyway, he wanted to get it someday when he was big enough, old enough, wise enough, hungry enough... something, he didn't know what it would be that was enough, but when at last he would have that something which would be enough-? Something he didn't understand, couldn't comprehend, something they always had plenty of, whoever "they" were-? They always had it. He never did. Not even once.

All there was left for him to do was just end. To meet up with a fate wherein he had never been, couldn't be, had no right to be ever again and never had been acceptable enough to be anything else ever or have any of it, any of the neighbor's good life; the neighbor's God.

Now he's here in this old man's body with me and all I can give him is the answer to his greatest need; his need to never have to be; ever again: Gone; as truly as had he never been; no love, no life, no memories, no more emotions to torture his old soul, no more desires to envy, no more of all that unrighteousness, all the not ever quite measuring up, but most of all, no thoughts that they ever might again be a curse to him not even one last time ever again.

He lived in hell on earth and he didn't want out anymore. There was nothing but the heaven out there, a heaven he could not ever have. And at last he just wanted it to end, to never be again and to at last have it over forever.

But as we near the end, even he sees the problem was that he was not real; had no memory of ever having been real; the same knowledge the great majority of human beings know inside as they attempt to be, do, say, think, or even feel something real that doesn't break their hearts, for deep down they know it is not for them, they can't have it, and it never was for them and yet they hunger for an answer they can accept, some existential awareness perhaps, even of who and what they are though they already know it in the full knowledge they could never accept that either. And that is why the world never fully accepted them, why the girls they adored never would accept them so they never even tried to get to know them, and when they did even the cops got mad at them, precisely why they could never quite accept themselves.

They are not unlovely, just unlovable even to a God who wanted only to change them so radically they could never be who they are ever again and that was all they ever really wanted to be; just themselves, acceptably so, to anyone, even God.

Then one day he knew. He knew he was beyond that. He was not afraid of hell anymore. He had lived there ever since he could remember. He just wanted it, the hell, to end. And the beauty of it is, they don't realize, it can, it does and God willing, and he is, it will end for them too. But they have to reach that point wherein they are willing to die in the physical sense, and to cease to be spiritually and not have to perpetuate their endless torture, torment and the curse of having that damned thinking brain they have always known, thinking things they cannot bear, to give up themselves to themselves that are to come, to cease to be so God can make them brand new and never let them be that way, or even go there ever again, without end, for ever and ever as St. John the Divine put it.

Damn you! Spirit of my flesh! I can't just let you go without telling you, without telling them like you, telling them who deny they are like that though they are, and them who don't even believe perfect love is a possibility for God even, if there is one. I love you like I love myself. Don't goof it up for us. Please just let your end come. Let us forget you like you were nothing in the end just like the Devil, or some other devil, or demon, or even some evil; no one. I am sorry, so very sorry it had to come to this. I didn't do it, they didn't do it and God didn't want it to be like this, not even one time.

The Devil invented it, just like he invents the rest of it. He destroyed himself with it. He just didn't have the courage to finish it, to just let it end like the rest of them who are just like him. They could have already ceased, but they can no longer actually do that anymore so they will never find the courage now, so they have to pay for all they ever did forevermore. It would have been better for them had they been like you, real enough to recognize it before you really did anything bad enough they could never forgive themselves for doing it to then never be able to accept the forgiveness of anyone else they ever wronged at the same time.

You loved the idea of love. What are you blonde? You should have just loved. But don't be too hard on yourself. You are just like everyone else since the fall. No one not created by God and just allowed to be as a consequence of what the Devil did can ever be, and that's everybody. Not one of those like you can love. God has to do that to you now. He has to make you brand new and you have to cease to be; the same way a virgin ceases when she or he is deflowered, except it is in the opposite direction.

Let it be. Just let it be. You can't win. You know that. You've always known that. Just accept it and let me love you where you couldn't love yourself and let me love those you couldn't, and those you couldn't even allow to love you. Good-bye my friend. Even if it's still in advance for yet a little while. Good... bye... forever... Just in case I forget you and forget to honor your person before it is too late.

Praise God. I think he understands. I think even he can comprehend it now. And precious LORD God Almighty I hope they can: the saved, the new creations in God; the babes like me in Christ; the unsaved, those in their own hell on earth, the ghosts like him that possessed the one soon to be gone from this physical body that was the rightful owner of it before me, the one still an angel in real time that duped him and the ghost of a dead man both into the possession that lasted nearly a lifetime, even those thought to be devils and demons, the mad theorists like Steven Hawking and Caitlyn Jenner: Let them all know this is the truth you cannot say to them, this is the truth at the heart of the lie, the bald truth of a hairless man, the fat truth of an obese woman. It's who I was. It is whom they are.

Father. God! Forgive as many as will ask you. Please?

I know that you will.

Thank you for permitting this narrative and may no one ever forget it, even the Devil his self especially after he commits spiritual suicide at Armageddon. Amen.

Chapter 5: Jacky's Beginnings

Much of the family including Jacky had been down at the waterfront on the west shore of Lake Bemidji on the Fourth of July east of the downtown area, waiting for the fireworks display to start up. A funnel cloud was coming across the lake to the east as people began to become concerned because they noticed the cloud's rotation. The fireworks were canceled and a voice on an old fashion loudspeaker of the day assured the crowd that they had ample time to reach safety if they left soon and urged them to evacuate the area in an orderly manner. The members of the family at the lakefront that day left the crowd, piled in Jacky's oldest brother's, borrowed, nice, tan, 1946 Dodge coupe and proceeded home which though less than a mile away was directly in the path of the potential twister.

When they got home they were surprised to find their father attempting to cover the tomato plants with pages of newspaper and weighing each page down with rocks around each of the plants, since he had no idea a funnel cloud was heading that way and thought it was just another hail storm. As usual he refused to listen to reason and stubbornly made the entire group pitch in and help him, and they accidentally left Jacky behind standing by himself as they rushed to finish the job before the storm hit as his mother had urged them also thinking they could finish and make it to safety afterward. And Jacky was alone in the large garden beyond the tomato plants to the west.

Jacky heard the loud noise, saw the wind and the awesome, rapidly rotating, huge, dark, cloud coming barely above the neighbor's old oak and huge mountain ash when a voice he did not recognize behind him said, "Stay where you are at, Jack. Don't move! Stay right there. Okay, Jacky?"

That he did. He didn't even look back to see who it was that was behind him while he watched the cloud as the others looked up in awe just after that as the pages of newspaper mingled with leaves and small branches mostly from the mountain ash swirled around them, a frightening sight for the preschooler as the funnel cloud roared overhead moving from east to west straight across the entire length of the yard rising back into the sky as it went toward the horizon over the swamp and the poplar trees beyond them to the west. It hadn't even sprinkled a drop of rain as far as Jacky knew.

His eldest sister, the one that found him at the candy store that time, suddenly screamed, "My God! Where is Jacky?"

As the little boy yelled to them they began walking and running toward him, as he turned to see who it was that had been behind him all that time; they were very glad to see he was safe. But there was no one behind him. There never had been anyone to be seen there. No one in the entire group, but him, had not been involved in vainly attempting to save the doomed, young, tomato plants that were strewn haphazardly in every direction, that is except his little sister who had been placed safely in a car.

Jacky understood shortly thereafter that unseen voices could be heard not unlike anyone else he had ever heard talk. That experience never left his spirit for the rest of his life. God, spirits, angels, the spirits in humans and saints alike and whatever others that might be were just as real to him throughout the rest of his entire life as they are to the saints, just like the spirits of those housed in living physical bodies here on earth. Humans' spirits are their most important part, but the very part so many deny even exists at the time of this writing, a concept that was completely foreign to him when he first encountered it online.

The older kids seemed not to agree about whom the voice had been and answers ranged from blaming his overactive imagination to the unseen presence of some angel which it seemed not all of them were considered to be good all the way up to the voice of God, himself.

Jacky didn't understand much of that, so Jacky chose to believe it was God, an invisible person in his opinion that controlled everything in Jacky's little world he wanted; there was nothing God couldn't do or didn't know and the potential for such a friend was more than any idea he could ever have rejected even over the years to come. And Jacky began at once to talk to God much of the time. God was his friend and confidante. He was the most special person Jacky had ever met or ever could meet.

Jacky finally asked God at the tender age of six, years later, how it had all began, but he could not understand it yet. "Show it to me in my head where I sometimes see things," he pleaded and felt in his spirit God thought that was a very good idea.

"Are you sure you want to do that?" God asked him.

He said excitedly, "How can I do that!"

"Close your eyes, Jack," God said, "What do you see?"

"Nothing," Jacky said, "It's too dark like it always is before-?" And he didn't have the words for what he meant by the word, "before," let alone any concept of what might have been before he started picturing things just by believing he could see something therein, which doesn't always work even for us at our ages.

"That is what the beginning was like," he understood from God.

"Then what happened?" Jacky asked.

"There was light," God said after considering his reply a few moments.

"Light!" Jacky said, excited to think that now they seemed to be getting somewhere. "Can I see the light?" he asked, but God seemed hesitant as if it might not be a good idea. "What was it like?" he persisted.

"You probably can't stand it," God said.

"Why?" Jacky asked overly disappointed.

"It is very brilliant," God said.

"Brilliant? I thought that was like really, really smart, ain't it?" Jacky asked never having heard the word used concerning light before. 'What does it mean?' he wondered, pondering what it could possibly have to do with light.

"It is very a bright light," God said.

Jacky asked, "Could it make me go blind!" thinking of the 500 watt bulbs the older boys used to play football in the other half of the yard in the dark and kept warning him not to stare at it.

"It is the light of God," the Spirit said.

"I want to see it," Jacky whined, "Can't you just show me a little bit of it?"

He felt that was possible and that God had relented. "Are you sure you want to do this?" God asked.

Jacky nodded and then on second thought he said, "Will it hurt?"

"You may feel it," God said.

"I'm ready," Jacky said, summoning all his courage and pushing his eyelids together as tightly as he could as if that might help, "But let me tell you when to stop. You will won't you?"

He only said that because his siblings didn't always stop when he was afraid.

Jacky felt God would, he thought, even as God was saying, "Trust me."

Jacky nodded his head.

Then as if far, far away, a tiny, very bright light appeared in Jacky's mind's eye completely captivating Jacky's thoughts. It was brighter than any light he has ever seen anywhere in his entire life. And Jacky was afraid in a way he had never been just before his head began to ache and the brilliance of the light seemed to cause a sharp pain in the middle of his forehead slightly higher than right between his eyes until finally he was so afraid he asked God to stop. But it didn't stop immediately. And because of that Jacky panicked. "You said you would stop when I wanted!" Jacky protested though he may have only assumed that was the case.

"Are you sure?" God seemed to say and Jacky felt he was disappointed in his timidity.

"Will I wish I kept on?" Jacky asked then.

"You may when you are older," the Spirit said.

Jacky wanted with all there was in him to see more and wished the rest of his life he had been braver, but he was afraid and he didn't trust God's judgment it could continue without hurting even more though he could have stood a lot more of course. So as God seemed to be saying something to someone else Jacky nodded though in shame. Then he opened his eyes expecting it to not be there any longer, but when the brilliant light was still there in broad daylight he said to God, "You promised!" more afraid it might never go away than afraid he had been duped and it was suddenly gone.

"Jacky," God said, "Close your eyes and I'll show you more of the beginning."

"No," Jacky said defiantly, "I don't trust you." He said that in anger thinking God had behaved like his siblings had.

And of course that was the end of that experience. And when Jacky finally dared to close his eyes again there was no light in his mind's eye as usual, but no pain there either, and his fear abated.

Chapter 6: Jacky Dies

A few days later Jacky apologized for doubting the Spirit and felt he was not forgiven until he explained why he had doubted him and that he was not doubting him so much as reacting to a problem he had when his older siblings would tease him by scaring once they had promised they wouldn't and that they would stop any time he wanted when he reluctantly allowed them to play with him, just to make him angry and then laugh at the intensity of his anger, a thing they seemed to delight in doing, but a thing he found extremely unpleasant.

"You can trust me," he understood the Spirit to have said and Jacky felt it was like a decree more than just a plea to be trusted by him a completely different reaction than his siblings had often showed. He understood that he could trust him because that was who he was. He knew everything and he also knew it was unwise to ever trick anyone. It destroyed trust but since Jacky couldn't trust anyone he didn't love anyone but God, which to some extent meant concerning everybody else, it was foolish.

"How do I trust you or someone else?" he asked.

The Spirit was silent.

"If I trust someone and do something bad," he said, "Won't I get in trouble?"

"Yes," the Spirit said. Then he added, "Trust anyway."

And Jacky understood he was not responsible for what other people did if he did what he was supposed to. God would know who had deceived whom and that was all that mattered to Jacky; that he and God were right in their relationship. The only one he had ever loved was God and his mother.

"How can I show you I trust you?" he asked and then thought a while before he said, "I can tell them about you!" Then he thought a while longer. "To trust them, I have to believe them. To believe them-? What do I do to believe them? Do I pretend real, real hard?" But he felt that was wrong. "If I pretend real hard like with Santa Claus and they are not real-? How do I believe them so I can trust them?"

"You must do it," he heard the Spirit say.

Jacky thought he understood. "What is that called?"

"Faith," the Spirit said.

"If I trust them I can believe them you mean?" Jacky said. "But you're not saying that. I just have to believe them. And just trust them? How does that work?"

"It will work," the Spirit said, "Trust me."

"I trust you!" he said and he knew it was true. "What if I am wrong?"

"Leave that to me," God said.

Therefore Jacky went into the house and the topic of God amazingly came up.

"I believe God," Jacky said when the conversation came around to him. "I talk to him a lot."

They feigned interest in that exaggerated patronizing way older ones have for kids and think the kids are too stupid to know they are being had by it. "He told me how it all began," Jacky added.

Amid the resultant laughter someone asked, "How did it begin then, Jacky?"

"There was nothing, and it was all dark so I couldn't tell," Jacky said.

"What do you mean you couldn't tell, Jacky?"

"God showed it to me," Jacky said and intended to explain, but they all laughed very loudly and enjoyed poking fun at him. "He did!" Jacky screamed at them in anger and fled outside again to escape the horrible feeling of it.

He felt the Spirit's presence in the yard though he was very angry. "They didn't believe me!" he said. He felt the Spirit was not surprised. "I know! I could die and come back to life and-and tell them what it was like to die! They have to believe me then. And-and I would be famous and tell everybody and nobody would be afraid to die anymore!"

He felt the Spirit was alarmed.

"I want to die and come back alive again!" Jacky shouted at God.

"You can't, Jacky," the Spirit said patiently.

Then his attention was drawn to the edge of the garden. A neighbor boy that was really stuck on himself was standing there and had been there for some time Jacky could just tell. 'He saw me!' Jacky thought. But he welled up inside and tried to tell himself he didn't care. He had a plan. But first things first. He would have to get rid of that uppity neighbor kid again, one more time. He almost hated that kid yet he still kept coming back.

"Who were you talking to, Jack?" the kid asked.

"God," Jacky said hesitantly.

Then to his surprise the kid said, "What about?"

"I'm going to be famous!" Jacky said, surprised by how nervous he was. He was so nervous he was shaking and he was very uncomfortable because he had never been like that. 'Maybe it was because I was so mad when they laughed at God?' he thought.

"You think God is going to make you famous!" the kid said probably thinking he was much more likely to get famous with God's help so Jacky thought. "How?" the kid added and seemed to be genuinely sincere and very interested.

Jacky's spirits rose. He became excited and forgot he was even shaking. He explained about his plan and how he was going to get famous and nobody would be afraid of dying ever again.

The kid was not convinced and asked, "How are you going to make them so they aren't afraid to die. Everybody is, aren't they?"

It was now or never. Jacky was going to have to tell someone someday anyway he might as well practice now. "I'm going to die and come back and tell everybody what it's like to die, so they won't be afraid anymore, ever again, and I will be-"

"You can't do that!" the kid yelled his way in interruption.

"Why not? God will help me!" Jacky said.

"No he won't!" the kid yelled.

"Why not? He's God ain't he?" Jacky said, thinking such a wonderful idea shouldn't be this hard to sell at all.

"Somebody already did it!" the kid screamed at him and what he was so mad about Jacky didn't understand.

"Yeah!" Jacky screamed at him in complete doubt, thinking the uppity kid had gone too far again and was making claims that just weren't true again. "Like who? I bet you can't even tell me his name, now can you?" Jacky said, sticking out his chest just knowing he really had him this time.

"Jesus Christ," the kid said after thinking it over.

That was a name! Jacky had just thought it was a swear word somebody made up and everybody in his family used but his mother. "That's a swear word, not a name!" Jacky doubted out loud, finding it hard to believe the kid had actually swore he was so desperate to think of a name.

"It is not a swear word!" the kid said so loudly, so that Jacky thought he was about to get in a fight over it and the kid was huge, two years younger, but twice Jacky's size anyway. "That is his name!"

"Sure!" Jacky taunted him almost laughing at how ridiculous it was. "What does he do then?"

The kid was silent a while. "I don't know, well I know what he did but I don't know what he does exactly. He is God's Son!"

"God! Has a son!" Jacky said surprised he had never considered it before, "I don't believe you. You are just making that up! Who told you?"

"The pastor at the church!" the kid said, "He says it every Sunday. Who do you think they talk about at church! Heathen!" And the kid was so angry he was leaving. At least Jacky got rid of him! Jacky turned his back on the kid surprised he didn't hear any insults being shouted at him the kid was so mad.

Maybe someone had already done it? That was why God had told him he couldn't do it. It didn't work, or it did work and he really was ignorant and a heathen like the kid had said again just as he had said many times before. But if that was true then his entire family was that. They didn't all even believe about God. Maybe it was real?

"God," he said, "Do you have a son?"

He immediately felt it was so, but he also felt that God was concerned for him.

"Does that make him you?" he said, but God was silent, "I'm all mixed up. Let me see him over that old junky Chevy on the edge of the swamp! And the-?" He had the concept but not the word for his other options.

Then he remembered the funnel cloud had already started lifting so high in the sky while it had gotten that far he hadn't even noticed the junk car.

Then he saw a representation of Jesus on the left side above the car and a dark swirling thing that looked like it might be hidden or hiding behind clouds or something. And he understood that if he chose to accept the truth that Jesus Christ was the Son of God instead of the other thing he thought might even be what God looked like he wouldn't be able to put his plan in action.

But jealousy rose in his soul. And he said aloud, "I don't believe you are God's son! You'll have to prove it to me!" while next looking at the swirling dark thing he was scared of. But he still wanted to die and come back to life.

Then he went and stood silently in the yard by the corner of the yard with his foot on the rake tines wondering about what he had done. Dying was scary. What if he only died with his spirit, the part of him like God? What would happen then? Was God mad at him? He didn't feel anger. He felt something he didn't understand sort of like God was worried or knew something he didn't. God had never acted this way with him before.

"God," he said a while later much more nervously than he ever had before with him, "I want to die with my spirit! You said I have to have, what was it, faith and that I could trust you. Let me do it."

Immediately huge soggy white snowflakes fell in the yard and Jacky looked up and understood God was crying. He was moved beyond words to think God would cry.

"Are you crying, God?" he asked. "I didn't mean to make him cry!" he then added to himself. But God didn't say anything. He asked him a couple of other questions and each time he couldn't even feel God's presence.

Then he thought, 'Maybe my spirit is dead to God already?' and the joy he had felt so it seemed all his entire life was gone. He felt so empty, so alone, so-? It was something he didn't ever feel before and hadn't felt for sure since God showed him his light. He was so worried and sad he was beside himself.

Chapter 7: Oblivion and Nonexistence

What happened to the toddler that ran away to the candy store? He changed when he started talking to God and he changed again when he rejected Christ out of jealousy. The child that saw the light of God died and the Jacky that took his place was a demon to his older self visiting it through time, times and again, possessing his own body at a future time just by demanding God show him what it was like to be big and walking home from high school and many other adult situations after that.

For John it was like being visited by an immature evil prophet with nothing he could do for he was the evil little prophet grown and had ruined his own life by his evil immaturity and during it. Thanks to Almighty God they are no more.

Oblivion, the place wherein no one and nothing exist, does not exist, never did and never will, but it stands alone as a token word standing for a destination one reaches when one is no more, where all things that reached it were no longer at the identical moment when they ceased to be. It would require being changed completely to exist again which will not happen to those that choose to go there against there own will.. Therefore it is not oblivion that existed before or after, a miraculous place beyond even the memory of God had it ever existed and a place not revisited by him, and anything made of nothing is not from there until it exists, especially miracles should God ever decide to make anything out of it which he has no need to do, and everything that goes to oblivion is not no matter how grand it had been; even the dead in Hell hunger for its release from their torment though they are not to be fed by it, or there is no justice.

The little demon that started out a child rejecting Christ because of his jealousy and defiantly demanded of a tearful God he be allowed to die with his spirit and come back to life would be there if anything ever could be there for he is not anywhere else, but like him nothing that is not anywhere else is not there either. It miraculously does not exist though it did, perhaps the greatest of God's miracles according to my understanding for there is glory even in that because of the inherent release from any more self-torment and self-torture that existed on the part of those that were allowed not to exist in the end or were utterly destroyed by God in his amazing mercy.

I am not talking about the lake of burning sulfur where those that are therein exist, with everyone to be beyond that point existing completely delusional in their torment, even by God, not to mention the angels and children of God. They exist forever in that more traditional oblivion without remedy, more the traditional view of oblivion. I am talking about a fictional place that exists beyond a door marked "oblivion" where there is absolutely nothing, not even fiction on the other side of the door.

There is a fictional place mathematical language declares is where everything came from however. But if in the beginning everything real came from fiction, then either it was not true to reality and irrelevant, or that the mathematicians think is reality is fiction, in a permanent contradiction of terms, proof that either mathematics is in error, or the conclusion is in error, and, or both.

Languages must point to the things that exist, but not all languages include the door between existence and nonexistence or that in the opposite order, which exists assuredly; that beyond it does not, a door leading to a place not even God can go, has never been, and will never visit. Mathematics has no means to explain or describe it, being a most inferior language being very far less expressive than Adam's tongue that began with the naming of created animals in hope, for there is no understanding of hope and faith in mathematics, a language. But that without a heart needs to always lead to oblivion when it searches to prove the existence of that created with feeling by a will other than a human's will; and because of that flaw it is not actually very useful to any real purpose or permanent entity.

This entire earth is headed that way. The door will be opened and heaven and earth will have no place to be. Only God will be on his throne as judgment continues after the saints are judged. He will not yet have forgotten the lake of burning sulfur. But he will also remember hell, death, the sea and all the others to be judged, the living and the dead and a new Heaven and a new Earth will take the place of the old places that went through the door to nonexistence or actual oblivion not to ever be even fictionally ever again.

But the place wherein are the Devil, the false prophet and the anti-Christ will remain, populated by everyone not written in the Lamb's book of life, the vast majority of humankind that rejected Christ the same as Jacky did in his jealousy for no legitimate reason whatsoever. They will be remembered no more, the classic view of oblivion, fictional beings with a fictional view of their own identity forced to live forever in a very real environment that were all once real spirits that rendered themselves permanently fictional all of them with fictional thoughts, incapable of saying any truth ever again, feeling nothing stimulated by anything but the horrific reality around them that completely captivates their will, the greatest of all woes, believing their God forsaken environment is what exists and the rest was nothing more than a hallucination, but that their situation is as inescapable anyway as those that think they can stand the flames have forever to frantically search for a nonexistent solution.

But we will weep. We loved many of them. We did genuinely care for them. God will have need to dry our eyes indeed and take care of our mourning, and there will be no more pain without end. God who loves us will see to that.

Chapter 8: Addicted to Sin

Demons do not exist, never did and never will for they are but imaginary beings created in the evil imaginations of many individuals among mankind by devils. But demons are the evil imaginings of what humankind and devils alike did that were not real, aren't at present and cannot be real in the same sense anything God ever made is real. They are not God that they may be conformed to real angels. They obey falsehood, especially concerning the authority of Lucifer which is not real either, for it was never once sanctioned or ordered by any means whatsoever by any real entity; God, angels, or obedient humans, but they are merely a figment of the evil imaginations on the part of those that submit to their nonexistent power though they are very real to humans still in real time.

Saints, do not grant the Devil any authority in any part of creation at all and obedient spirits among mankind do not afford him any fear, recognizing the fear of God and not the fictional authority of the Devil or any of his deluded followers all of whom are, but for a little longer and then are no more for ever and are ever ultimately rendered a forgotten memory like the destructiveness of sin that will never occur again in the New Heaven under the New Earth not to mention the Holy City, the New Jerusalem beyond the evil ones' end.

To create a lie, is that not to create fiction, and to become the lie one has created is it not also to become fiction? Fiction has no power over those who know God, the truth, and who are incapable of being influenced by the sin inherent in all fiction even Christian fiction.

It is soon coming upon the Devil and coming quickly to Lucifer who was real, now exists in real time for yet a little while, then will not exist only to be released for a very short time to finally reveal even to himself that he too has finally become his own lie only to then be thrown into the lake of burning sulfur to be tormented and tortured forever like all who have become fiction in a like manner before and after him.

What the Devil did, did he not do to himself the same as those that became the lies he caused them to become also? God does not even look at pure fiction. Evil is of no use to him or any living creature that truly lives in the reality God has always been part of, is now real within, and will always be real without end.

Beyond the final judgment there is nothing real, true or effectual to be considered about them, even God has no remedy for them, even if he desired to have one. He will not preempt their freewill to decide that fate for themselves, no more than he would ever violate the freewill of any God, angel, saint or creature of any kind. Without he grants all freewill he is no more than a devil's demon and never was should he ever usurp anyone's freewill, a thing he will never do for he cannot and remain more than a nonexistent demon. The Devil tried all this time to become such a demon to God and tragically failed and winds up fiction himself instead.

For example take the one who does not oppress the physical body of your author any longer. Do you really imagine it is possible to possess yourself? Yet your author, the one I call John though he has no part in the physical body of the author; yet that John believed that incredible possession and the sin of it destroyed him as surely as his other devils, demons and that ghost did.

Demons are not real. They are not true. They are purely imaginary fictional characters that existed in people like John's imagination that he granted power to and submitted to them, for he thought about them, he spoke and wrote about them, and he even acted in their fictional personae as they were affecting his world, the elements of earth, in that he allowed them to effect his physical body, the animals, plants and even meteorological phenomenons like the weather, his spirit, the physical environment, the spiritual environment, and bound himself to the spirit of the Devil without knowing it until such time he was no longer real, no longer true in any way and had to be changed so radically Lucifer has no more power over him in this any more, or him that is no longer, lest he now be me for ever and ever.

The fiction of the Devil Lucifer became in the end has no power over me, no other devil or demon has any power over me, not even those that were John's devils and demons; and no imaginary being John has ever imagined before he was changed has any significance in my life as I from this point on forget they ever existed and with God's help and power to negate any effect they might have once had even on my physical body, the one I called John that had a soul less real, less true and less significant than any one of Minnesota's billions if not trillions of mosquitoes that mindlessly leave an undeniable itch from God in the skin of every creature they bite if for no better reason than to prove reality exists. Once he dwelt herein also, but now he is nothing, existing nowhere in reality and difficult to even imagine existing in my trainable imagination which is being made new and holy that he might affect even these thoughts in my 64 year old's testimony and will not at all when I am done and discard the ways of the spiritual baby I am for the better ways of a spiritual adult I have then become forever except the god I will be when I see Christ in my end, an end I look forward to with great anticipation.

It is like the sinful Jews that are not Jews but believe they still are Jews, though there are real Jews of which the Apostles are not the entire number that have rejected their dead countrymen's delusions; they are disobedient to the one whose name is too sacred to be mentioned even by their real countrymen in this dreadful perishing earth and are known by the Spirit to have never ceased Do they not sin by rejecting the person of the Son of God treating him as if he were Beelzebub and in some cases as that angel's fictional self, the Devil?

They pray to whoever it is they pray to, that they will not be overtaken by any sin that would not destroy them, though they are already destroyed by evilly imagining they are praying to the most High God to assist them with their delusions and in a vain attempt to further their sinfulness, a thing God will not do though Beeozebub may to some self-defeating degree should he choose to do that in an effort to remain the leader of their evil imaginations.

Are they not religious addicts believing a liar's religion? How then may God, a God that still loves them assist them unless they turn from their fiction before it is too late and ask Jesus Christ, the enemy of their delusions, to save them, or tragically have to honestly admit their fiction and ask Elohim to save them though they have in most cases never done anything, but profane that name and the Name of the unmentionable one by their strange evil imaginings.

Is it not the same with any sinful addiction? It is necessary to admit one is an addict and sinning against God even as John did to continue on in destroying their physical bodies even by their disobedience, for God cannot love them and condone what they are doing to themselves and their bodies, bodies of others and society with their spirits rendered evil by their own evil imaginings.

In the case of modern day bastardized Israel, God will not free them if they do not come to him and not some fictionalized idea or ideal concerning him outside his amazing mercy even on those he knows will never truly know who and what he is because of their denial of the truth that would have led them back in touch with reality, and a relationship with the only real God.

Is not all sin addictive and any sinner an addict? I and others have the answer to all that ails everyone; sinner, sinning saint, even the demoniac that dwells on earth in a physical body in real time; God in a relationship with him in all honesty, truth, in order to be real in a reality that God is unwilling to do anything about anymore than they can do anything about it.

But what a reality it is! We really should give it a try at the very least one time and then time and again until at last God saves us from all that we were or in so many cases all that we are. Don't give up on being honest. Don't give up on finding the truth. Don't give up on being real within reality. Don't give up! Not on God!

Any addiction is not beyond God. Anything you have done other than persisting forever in your delusions, delusions common to all who do not believe in God and anything your delusions have caused whether in your relationship with earth, the creatures therein, other human beings, your own personal demons, your own personal evil beliefs fostered by anything you have ever imagined with the evil imagination common to every member of mankind, your own thoughts, your own words, your own actions from chronic pain all the way down to a conceited need to believe you can do it on your own, no matter what it is you desire and any malady from a birth deformity to physical injury or disease all the way down to a mere desire to imagine there is somewhere other than reality to look for any answer to a real anomaly of any kind; spiritual, physical, demonic, devilish injury or psychological inconsistency of thought or emotion, even any false notion of your own identity, or philosophic contradiction: there is nothing God cannot alter, heal, create, or solve if you will turn from your devilish delusions to his real solutions that begin with calling upon him; Almighty God, the Son of God which is Jesus Christ, in the Spirit which is the Holy Spirit; God; there is no other name you can call on to obtain forgiveness, knowledge, healing, belief, hope, faith; all in love which is the greatest of all of them, something God has in immeasurable amounts for anyone that will come to him.

The Spirit says, "Come." The Son and the Lamb says, "Come." Almighty God says, "Come;" God says, "Come!" Make your requests known before God and he will answer your most difficult as well as your most trivial desires, but you must be real, even if you merely want help being honest which leads to being true, and the truth once known leads to being real in the knowledge of the one that has always been, is now and will be real without end. To God be all the glory, amen. What a remarkable God we have! Without you LORD, Jesus Christ, and your Holy Spirit, I would never have known any of this! Glory! Glory to God.

Chapter 9: Sinner John

Do you remember your first lie? I do. The ones before that he did not know were lies. So were they lies? He didn't even know what a lie was.

I don't need to relate here what it was, but surely it will suffice to say it was a lie he told in innocence that turned into sin when it was pointed out to him both what a lie was and that what he said was a lie. God took it serious, so he did. He felt with everything in him it was the undoing of anyone's ability to ever completely believe him again. And his conscience was born. He realized the difference between good and evil when it was explained to him that once someone told a lie, they were a liar from then on.

We know of course that is not true. Whoever told him that was a liar themselves. He was made a liar in his own eyes, but he became fiercely dedicated to the truth. He even had his mom start him out in school, First Grade, as John and not Jack as he had been called his entire life up to that point because of his dedication to the truth he was unable to conform to.

Then he demanded everyone call him John, a name not everyone in his family accepted. His eldest sister for instance refused to call him John. "You'll always be Jacky, to me Jack," she said, "I won't know who John is." And she never did.

Even to me now, John is the name of the one that fell. Jacky was the little perhaps innocent one but he died spiritually and may have risen at some point. I am unsure on that point. I just know I am no more Jacky than I am John, especially when I have called that evil little brat that made such a mess of John's life Jacky, when the gullible John could not completely reject what the evil little brat did, it had caused him much discomfort and no small amount of embarrassment when he came to the future "to see what it is like in my own body when I'm older and..." You can almost fill the in the blank with any adult activity a sinner like John was to get into.

About the time John would forget about Jacky he would feel him in him and the rest was history. But when an adult sins, it is not the time to have a six year old in your physical body with your own spirit, whether evil or even saved and eventually to be forgiven. Need I go into the uninteresting details of the sinful situations? God forbid!

It seems John was almost overdosed with testosterone by receiving a remarkable excess of it. Hormones were a very big problem for a kid, then a young man and finally all the way to being an old man.

Such a sinner should not also be cursed with a conscience with the intensity John's manifested itself. Even a conscience can become a demon to an unbeliever, if not literally, then of sorts, when handled improperly in an atmosphere of self-condemnation and no tolerance that John might have forgiven himself, at least, though not easily, while trying unsuccessfully to forgive others, himself being a sinful believer in the Golden Rule and continually holding his lack of ability to forgive others against himself also as well as his inability to do unto others as he would have them do to him, a thing he stridently demanded continually of both friend and foe, acquaintance and total stranger alike.

He had an impaired judgment as a result. Though he was often very righteous his righteousness was not tempered with love which always extends mercy, a very, very important component in Godliness which should be everyone's goal even Lucifer's, though in real time I doubt he is genuinely capable of it even now in the here and now.

John's next older brother compromised him sexually. He did not rape him, but in a situation I am not going to get into, being seven years older than John, then a boy of twelve, that evil brother sexually abused his little brother in a complicated process involving hypnosis that creepy brother learned in the Air Force at parties among his buddies.

He attempted to compromise his little sister that was three years older than John, but she was too old already, no stranger to sexual abuse by then and too wise for it to work so the big creep settled for John, taking the easier target like any cowardly abuser usually does. That brother's demons are especially difficult for society to deal with let alone a young preteen boy.

One of the things I am glad about is I don't have to deal with that, for when John told him he forgave him for it a few years ago that brother scoffed and made light of it. If he had no further responsibility to be further involved with the old man that brother was at that time since he proved to be abusive in other ways also even as an old man then at that time, claiming it was his right by reason of the "natural" pecking order; then I certainly do not.

I have no desire to have any contact with John's sex abuser and verbally abusive brother at all. God forbid I shall ever even see him again for I pity him too much to see him in the lake burning with sulfur and love him no longer recognizing he has succumbed to his demons. His demons seem to have completely overtaken him; a reason for compassion and sadness not anger or joy and by any means best just forgotten.

God make him as comfortable as you may I pray if in you do not save him. I leave him in your hands as I would any such person with such ugly demons in his physical body with him, if he himself has not become it. That is the only way I would ever knowingly agree to have anything to do with him. Forgive me LORD for putting my eyes on the man and being a talebearer in everyone's eyes; his, yours, mine and all my readers who have read this though I testify truthfully concerning it. Please let us close the door on this topic never to mention it again. Amen.

The point I intended before I digressed is that the knowing of good and evil comes from others most of the time and lest we become victims in our own eyes, a most destructive demon in its own right, let us who have encountered such things recognize our own part in it and judge fairly our involvement no matter how innocent we were at the time, beg your forgiveness the LORD for that, and move on.

But if I may let me advise we do not seek out abusers of any kind in order even to forgive them their part in it unless they seek us out and ask that we forgive them, for instance child abusers seldom do that and live in denial of what they are and what they have become for fear of loathing themselves more than even their demon wherever it came from. It would be as counterproductive as seeking out Lucifer in an effort to forgive him, and in some cases, cases like John's, just as pointless.

But if anyone asks you to forgive them, by all means do it lest you disqualify yourself on top of their injury to you physically, psychologically and spiritually. Be blameless, as blameless as possible, before you see him whom you will be like when you do see him, and let no one like that cause you to be less in your own eyes for even a moment no matter how difficult it may be. Remember God can handle anything and it has been my experience he specializes in handling what we will not if we ask him to do that.

John was not a homosexual. But he did wonder as the homophobic dead spirit which possessed him and shared his physical body for a long, long time, acted out He did find sexual expression very difficult for him to handle because he thought it wrong to have premarital sex and because his brother's abuse left him wondering for much of his life whether a homosexual experience even though it occurred beyond his will to end his sexual innocence was evidence he was a homosexual in the same sense he felt all his life he was a liar when the liar that misinformed him about the sin never once mentioned the significance of forgiveness by others or the forgiveness of God, who declares us innocent upon forgiving us, remembering the offense no longer and reducing it to nothingness in his mysterious manner of doing that.

I plan maybe to go into that later in this book but not in my testimony which this is.

Certainly then also I am no more a homosexual than Jesus Christ was though he was never compromised in such a manner that I know of and though I understand he was never with a woman, that makes him a virgin not a homosexual or even the victim of a sexual pervert like John was.

Therefore one more fledgling demon is destroyed and falls aimlessly to the lake burning with sulfur it was destined for despite the devilish involvement of sin if no other evil thing it may have also sucked in with it. Though it touched everyone's life John ever interacted with it failed to accomplish any more than it had already done and the effects of it were brought to nothingness. The glory belongs entirely to God without whom such things would never have been known to be even a possibility. Praise the Lord.

All sexual encounters with the innocent are not abominable for the sexually innocent may be so at any age for it is not an abomination within a loving marital relation to lose ones innocence because it is not really lost but given as a gift to one's husband or wife though it is obviously better to remain innocent than even to marry.

However to burn with sexual desire is a demon of its own that can lead to disobedience to the LORD that could easily be remedied in most cases. I am not inclined even to think that it is an abomination to marry or give anything one possesses to their marital spouse. Is it not a holy union sanctioned by God? Do not call anything that is holy, unholy, for there are precious few things that are holy nowadays in my homeland, God being chief among them.

Sexual encounters between young children is commonly seen as victimless, when both parties become victims of their mutual abuse of each other that came from somewhere, usually some demonic or devilishly altered adult mind or will.

The abomination of defiling a child whether that child be ninety, a newborn or any age in between is the act of a demon born in the hearts of devils. It can only result in injury, many times physical, as well as psychological, but it cannot help but result in anything less than spiritual injury and a society that does not punish it by capitol punishment must bear the consequences. Such a society is injured by such activity and if it does not take appropriate action how may the society heal and how may its leaders claim to be beneficent and acting toward creating a healthier society or keeping a healthy society in mind even.

But for example we in the author's homeland do not seem to be concerned at all with the psychological well being of its citizens especially its youths, not to mention the fact they seem to completely ignore any involvement in the spiritual health of the nation in any real actuality. Sexual abuse requires exposure to sexually explicit involvement, sex is only one minor part of that. My homeland should be ashamed of itself for what is going on among their youth. Will they not reap what they sow? Alas.

Chapter 10: Casualties and Survivors

Poor homeland of the author, it was once so great. Now it is a glaringly shameful, nation in any other healthy society's eyes. And John as a hippie at one time in real time was just as guilty as anyone for the current unhealthy state of the spirit of that nation that once was great and is now in danger of becoming like Sodom or falling to the depths of Gomorrah. God have mercy on that great nation if it reaps all that it has sown. Mercy LORD! Any mercy at all will be appreciated by your servant for one.

Homosexual encounters are an abomination and when perpetrated against innocent youths is it less abominable? Men burning sexually for other men and young boys, and even women abandoning any healthy sexual union with a man they could love and marry opting instead for any sexual encounter with another woman or young girl is not healthy; socially, physically, psychologically and, or spiritually. It is demonic at best. For a man to become a homosexual, or a woman to become a Lesbian is to give themselves over to a demon without reserve, for what purpose? Will they never go the way of the Devil in their end if they persist? It cannot be done in a loving manner. Though it may involve a strong animal longing, it cannot involve anything holy by nature of its perversion.

It grieves my soul to find so many perishing from this transgression which is abuse even though it is comprised by a mutually abusive pact to do what God in his complete perfect understanding has bravely shared is not only wrong, but completely unacceptable behavior.

I love them as myself. And to see them flaunt their so called "sexuality" as if it were legitimate, simply calling it that, which does not make it so and putting themselves in the stead of God though they know they are not even holy and doing that though hardly anyone to admire they do that again and again as addicted to it which is shameful in itself and they just keep on doing it no longer able to feel any remorse, is that not atrocious?

It is no different to me than seeing anyone flaunt any sin or abomination of which we in my homeland, the country of my physical body's birth, are not strangers to most anything that grieves a holy heart, not to mention the holy heart of God!

It grieves me to even put God in a place where he continually must deal with my cigarette smoking which destroys one of his most precious gifts also, this amazing physical body he has given me to live within. It is wrong and cannot be done in a loving manner, for to destroy any gift God has given one is definitely disrespectful to its Giver.

However even abominations can be forgiven like any other sin, however we must change our minds to agree with what God knows is best for the way he made us and therefore healthy, ask him for forgiveness and then pure, should we just defile ourselves all over again? I think not! So in love I urge you not to do that before you can no longer even feel your conscience's conviction it is wrong as you once did. You know that you once did that, even if you will not admit it.

No homosexual or Lesbian can wind up anywhere but the lake burning with sulfur. They do it to themselves unless they change their minds to join me in my own involuntary celibacy, a holy thing to accept from a holy God. Be holy for God is holy. No one who practices any abomination can in your wildest evil imaginings be deemed holy and must perish in their own fiction should they allow themselves to become that fiction themselves in their terminal ending.

For example, take the case of a certain public icon. His demon bothered him to the point he actually had operations that allowed him to function as a female except he is barren, thank God. Giving in to demons is one thing, but submitting and succumbing to a devil that either possessed him or oppressed him to the point of changing his own sexual characteristics rather than resist any longer-? How may he change his mind and refrain from the sin that has besought him now? He looks the part of the fictional character he envisioned by means of his devil's prodding to cause his own demon to become him destroying his very soul, now having become the soul of his demon that dwells within him that has grown and maturated to its full extent.

Father I love that man as I always have. May you take him home soon before he pollutes society beyond the limits you will allow? Amen.

So many people still resisting such devils as besought him surely will be disheartened by his very public example of such bold faced abominations. If you cannot help him LORD since he is too far gone, help the others resist and should even one cry out to you, hear him LORD or in the case of a woman becoming a man hear her too. For as we see with the public fascination with the victims of those devils' art, we cannot help but know they are there, icons of a growing sickness now right in the middle of the heart of society. That same corrupted society that will not even afford us any lenience to admit that should result in their removal from the society altogether. Amen!

When I see his tragic form on TV I am deeply moved. To me he is like a war vet missing body parts and obviously displaying psychological damage because he allowed himself to become trained in the profane arts of violence and though he is more tragic than one left with pugilistic Parkinson's disease. It is difficult to imagine how they lost to their demons which are so popular in this corruption around us by default. Are they not all tragedies in human form, some of them claiming the name of the Son of God the holy Jesus Christ himself though their very countenance profanes that name, the very one that would still save them if they turned?

They are not losers. They are tragic casualties in the battle against evils of many kinds. Shall we not mourn for them even as the war makers and those transmogrifying peaceful men into demons overcome by their "training" to become articles of violence, as surely a sinful example of the total loss of innocence and the fatal casualties in the war against all evils that should preoccupy our every moment, awake or asleep, in our hope to achieve Godliness, our ultimate goal, for God is innocent and cannot be touched by the sin we as little children cannot avoid as the pornographic, violent, stage play around us climaxes in graphic detail with the death of the common society of mankind, the terminally ill entity most often referred to simply as humanity, a most tragic figure were it not for the few survivors among it who believed God they were giving in needlessly to an enemy that with Jesus' help they could and did in most cases overcome.

How can a warrior with one arm or one leg be like God even when he sees him? But for the amazing abilities of God it could not be? How could a transsexual be like God when at last he sees him? Again, the same way, with all the glory belonging to Almighty God in all his transforming power along with the efforts of the other two persons of God's singularity. The same identical way any sinner, now a saint can be transformed in less time than it takes to change one's focus in his mind from one thought to another to no longer be as their battered human form and countenance would indicate, the same way I will be like him when at last I see him also though I am elderly.

Believe me I am no better than that transsexual I mentioned. I look more like the casualty than the most fortunate survivor I am than I care to think about when at my age I look in the mirror and am psychologically triggered by the enemy to remember the many sins that tore at my spirit and deformed my flesh and will in the end destroy this physical corpse, for that it will be one day unless I am taken before its demise. My countenance dear friends reveals the glaring effects of sin as truly as that transsexual's masculinity, still hinted at in some profiles, reveals the corpse of the man he was since birth, the corpse that will like the rest of us leave either a fictional spirit or a living, viable, renewed, healthy, one; the spirit of a survivor, a most treasured sight to the glory of our all powerful God and our Savior, Jesus Christ, the living Lamb of God, himself a trophy to the Father's glory. Praise the Lord!

Jesus survived and so shall we! But as you read I request you close your book at the close of this chapter and bow your head in silence before holy God in rememberance of the fallen, sometimes valiant victims of the Devil's wiles; sin. Then let us all, survivors and those that are still struggling should we understand them as valiant casualties who gave it their all and died according to the strength of their wills, fallen heroes in man's fight against the worst and most deceptive of all aliens, the Devil himself, let us resume the struggle with renewed vigor.

I pray that you will do that! It may encourage some struggling spirit viewing you through some devilish spirit that has duped them into believing they are more than human and psychic or a score of other fictional terms for abilities that were never given to any human being, but only to angels and thus also to devils, or fallen angels, as well as to gods, and God's three persons in his one, lone, holy, person.

If you think or possess gifts that do not belong to a human being, where did that come from? God? Do you use it exclusively for God? If not it is either from the Devil or you are acting in one of his loathsome followers' capacity. Will you not be held responsible for what you do with your power like any angel, or God forbid, like any other devil?

Since I realized who and what God was, I have desired my gift of writing be used by no one but him for your encouragement, edification and growth; the very things he desires among us in our fight against the evil powers that be. May I never use that gift for anything else? Amen.

God willing I vow I will not ever write such sinful material again and count any words I have written up to that time as a murderer considers the weapon he used to commit that crime. I too hope it is as unavailable to anyone and as well hidden as any murderer's weapon, may God help it remain concealed for ever and ever. Amen again, dear LORD. Amen.

Chapter 11: The Real End

This moment in time we experience, call it now, as the future changes come to pass into the past is all any of us really ever had of all real time in these physical bodies, this vanishing earth, even under this vanishing heaven as that troublesome part of reality, now, that caught all their brains' attention slips into oblivion with no way to be recaptured unless God chooses to remember our part in it as the Lamb's book of life closes and the immoral are never to be recovered to remain unsaved in that dismal state they chose for themselves for ever and ever.

There is no more place for them in reality any longer, but the so called place of a forgotten memory, a memory we will not be able to recall for sin will be no more and we will not be capable of even imagining it even was in our new understanding of reality, the true understanding of it, vanished with, now, when its moment in reality has also slipped into a past not even God chooses to recall. All they ever were is as surely gone therein as an inane dream vanishes when awareness comes to the sleeper rendered impossible for any alert mind to recollect and labeled pointless and meaningless by all those living without time for ever and ever.

Now was nothing more than the limitation that accompanies a brain's interpretation of cataracts on the lenses of an aging man's eyes preventing his normal vision until removed. Though the cataract, slowly threatening to render him, a physical body then, blind before it is gone and normal vision is restored, having been real only in the physical sense. But with an unending gratefulness in the old man's heart that sees even the physical earth with a new understanding likened to a meaningful dream from God that changed nothing physical but so radically changed his understanding of reality.

It would take a never ending lifetime to express it in the never ending timeless reality everyone created since the beginning of the earth knows with the old man's gratefulness ever present everywhere there in that timelessness; the New Earth and the Holy City there under the New Heaven. The old man understands it better than most and he understood it even back in time, that time with the troublesome, seemingly ever present, now, that is merely like a physical cataract that was removed from his spiritual eyes never to return just like the scales that fell from Paul's eyes.

He will have passed from the hatefulness and fear that was, to the love and trust that destroyed it as surely as light destroys darkness and the true context of his spirit is restored, leaving him as innocent as God. Even Jesus is more innocent than a baby, as innocent as a fetus' first awareness in its mothers womb and just as holy as he was when merely prophetically so. All that had been, was forever changed by the presence of sin for the moment, now, existed to be no more ever again where now and eternity are one in the true place of its spirit and God's Spirit also.

Therefore do not define anything holy as if it were not; neither God or his innocent Spirit, and definitely not the innocent spirit of an emerging physical and spiritual life in the womb, or even prophetically in the making, lest you destroy something holy and destroy your own soul that from that point on, has no spiritual bearing in that holy way which was also its affected joy.

It is like what happens even after sinfulness no longer exists concerning a talebearer. Tears flood the faces of the remorseful as their common relationships may never recover except with God's assistance given who they are then. That is because they are forever locked into a new context wherein they may never be able to know the one that bore such tales to their hearers in the first place. In the new context everything is made new as all things that were, are no longer since the talebearer's victim, its hearers and the one the talebearer all are, have all been changed.

They are left with inextricable yearnings for things that were, had the act never occurred. They are not necessarily rendered evil by it but it cannot ever be the same either. Will there not be reason for such tears even after the beginning that exists wherein no time is ever to be again?

I knew a man once that had been a child called Jack and sometimes Jacky Carver. That man grew and struggled needlessly with many sins that brought him to naught. God changed him and I became in his stead and even in these evil times I live in here, his physical body here on earth, my hope is to completely forget him which I hope I will the moment I see God in the hereafter that renders any future that might have been to the contrary completely irrelevant never to be considered and hopefully never to be a thing I may consider even if I wanted to ever again.

His spiritual demise is soon permanent and final as I, like a butterfly that emerges physically to become even an unrecognizable physical creature where once was merely a worm not unlike the union of a sperm and an ovum at the time of my merely physical conception which was by the will of God to its physical place among all the physical things that ever existed, just like the butterfly's body as well as my present physical body.

Am I but a false prophet should I say it? For this physical body will be that, all that it was physically. Such a difficulty for us once it will become spiritual like even our spiritual, incorruptible bodies in the timelessness even beyond heaven with the temporal earth beneath it set free to exist for ever and ever in the form of the New Earth under the New Heaven wherein all things are forever as perfect as only holy God alone could ever have made them. There is nothing not perfectly the exact likeness of God in all his perfection without end therein.

As I conclude my testimony in this little book I urge everyone that ever was holy if just for a moment though even that once, a fetus in their, sin effected, mother's womb, from those miscarried, to those aborted by necessity of the fall of this earth that are confined in the here and now, a momentary perception that will not always be, to the tragically aborted that were created by God being destroyed by birth control all the way to full birth abortion which is nothing short of murder that may have been loving and loved at least by him not to mention the countless others they would have loved and been loved by.

He was in all his physical insignificance; just one of the twenty children of his physical father, not to mention the others he did not claim, nearly lost in a crowd that has become a multitude in the here and now most certainly; destined by God to love him and each one of the three of him. I love him back, and I love sinners and saints the same even without their permission to be loved back by some of them, praise the LORD. Some of them in the way of those that exist in just their profound, animal, longing to those saints that actually loved, could and actually did love me back timelessly without end for ever and ever.

I am holy. Sin had his chance to destroy the one I was and did, the one I am not, and will never be again God willing, to become the one I am. Those that love me are like me, and we will be like God when it is we see him, knowing perfectly this tiny bit of truth that has come upon me, that I have very nearly in vain attempted to share with my lovers that I also love. I am among the crowd of God's lovers, loved even more perfectly by him, each one of him and all three of him together. I love you as I love God with no thought for myself. Since I love you with no thought of myself whatsoever, I am very near the kingdom of God as my holy Brother might say and should you do as he did, we will all be in that kingdom with him very soon.

Do not just emulate him. Do not cast a selfish eye in his direction. Be like him in full abandonment of yourself as much as is possible until such time as you see him and are become perfect even as he is. Do not covet his Spirit, the Spirit himself, cast no conceit in his direction, it is like something in the contents of a cesspool to him. He is holy even as you are holy, why act in any way that casts even a microscopic speck of evil his way. He deserves so much better from us than that, the same thing any holy saint ever to exist deserves from all of those we call unsaved that are only evil all the time even in what they imagine and that we will never receive from them, but only from the saints they become when finally they really turn from the dead sinner they were after the corruption that immediately followed their physical birth.

Figuratively speaking they are like microbes living in a sludge pond that starve to death physically when they destroy their food supply; utterly filthy, consuming the filth that surrounds them, heaping filth on one another and holding nothing holy, shall we expect anything from them but the filth that is all they are, all they eat and all they have, being that they are even covered by it?

The only meaningful thing they can do is cry out to holy God to be afforded a place in oblivion or at best nonexistence, that they may again be born in the likeness of the holy spiritual fetus they once were again to actually live even as every single one of us except Jesus the Nazarene, Enoch and Elijah had to. May they do that before it is too late and become the physical thing they love which is dead in that it will certainly die and literally become refuse no matter how that dead microbe I have likened them to, is treated by those they leave behind in all that filth, the filth of sin they consume so avariciously only for it to merely be the source of their own demise both spiritually and physically having never caused anything in their meaningless existence, but the resultant grief and sorrow of those that mourn their passing at best and a cursed memory as in the case of most by some of their past contemporaries.

The Church is not dying. The microbes feeding on the feces and urine, the best example I can find to compare this filthy earth to which they are also destroying, God forgive me its minimal inaccuracy, is as a flooding overflow, even now rising to the lower steps of the Church itself with some of it having actually seeped into the pews and the hierarchy in many churches already. In the last of the last times there will be no saints here to even pray that view it firsthand let alone pray in the end that one more dead physical body may be reborn when all the saints are removed from their presence. The Bride of Christ is alive and well, her numbers are merely nearing their full completion. Join me, as I join them invited to the wedding! Praise ye the LORD our Father and our God for ever and ever in God's Spirit. It is good!

As for the perishing. Do you know what happens to the microbes in a sludge pond? If left to themselves they consume each other and render all liquid therein palatable water, and all else useful fertilizer to further the renewal of plants as they find less and less food until at last there isn't even enough of them left to reach any food source even their contemporaries at which time they become the harmlessly dead corpses of the microbes each one to itself, mere bio-motors with no soul and no spirit ever once in them even to mindlessly eat anything, but even their own tiny bodies were that possible.

Did they ever really exist in the end? They never had a spirit to begin with! When you close this book again do not remember the microbes, praise ye the LORD that has lived, now lives and will live for ever and ever without end with us.

The evil humans in the here and now were once holy, could they not have chosen to be reborn like the rest of us, the living, some of us still here amid all these dead and dying human corpses, the valley entirely within the shadow of death? If only they would have asked God for the gift of oblivion and their own rebirth as the holy being they once were; yes, even them, they could have and they should have, but alas they never did.

Even so come Lord Jesus. Ain't God grand! For ever and ever perpetually hereafter. Amen.

The beginning God intended in the first beginning in the Holy Spirit of God...

PART II

Christian Recovery

Chapter 1: Experience and Reality

Things have always been coming into existence. We cannot really know anything on our own. We must discover all things even whether that is the truth. To think it was not there to be thought negates the possibility of it ever being thought let alone becoming real. Let us consider the idea of a creative entity rather than a destructive entity that is destroying everything that is coming into existence in a bold spirit I call the spirit of discovery rather than the fearful, defensive spirit required to attempt to know the alternative.

We can discover how to make things, and even make them. But that we made them out of, where did it come from? What created it? That which created it cannot be discovered on our own though of course it might discover us. In the same line of thinking, what we discover is evidence of that which created it. That which created it cannot be discovered then that we might create anything like it does, always has and always will unless we went there in our minds in the first place that we might have discovered it was already there to be discovered.

It is enough to believe it does exist, has always existed, and always will continue to exist, then see what that discovery leads us to learn about the creating thing. In light of that we are already, what are the chances it never became a person in all the time it has existed? Let us discover together, what we are, what we choose to do, what we choose to think, and what spirit we should be in before we either cease, conceding we are merely temporary, or continue on without end to become eternal like that which exists that created everything anyone has ever discovered. Even who that is that we may know him would be a good idea, don't you think in the case it had already become a person before we discovered it?

I am that I am. So are you that you are. So are all others. And, things are that they are. Nothing does not exist and everything else does. There are invisible things. There are things one can see, hear, taste, smell and touch and that can see, hear, taste, smell and touch one. There are things that may be seen, heard, smelled, tasted, and touched with the mind. There are things that can see, hear, smell, taste and touch one and things we must think to be created like it, or him should it be a person. There are things that can only be sensed as being there, and that can only sense one is there. There are things that cannot be sensed. There are things that can only be known by way of thought that are invisible; thoughts, ideas, imaginary things, and illusions in that they are not really that they seem, and hallucinations, things that originate in the mind that are sensed, seen, heard, smelled, tasted, touched, or that can sense one, see one, hear one, smell one, taste one, and touch one that are not from the one that originated them even one's self, and those things we may think or sense that only seem to be that.

In the case of things that come from someone or something else that behave like hallucinations, they are illusions, thoughts not one's own whether true or false, ideas that are not one's own and imaginary things that are not imagined by one himself. There are also sensations in one's body that have no corresponding thing that is there to make them. There are sensations in one's body that have a corresponding thing that is there. There are feelings, like love, hate, joy, despair, happiness, sadness and the entire complexity of feelings called emotions as well as physical feelings like pain, its absence, numbness, hot, cold, itch and the entire school of feelings in one's physical body, even hunger, fullness, over fullness, the feelings of being stuffed, turned on, turned off, interested, ambivalent, disinterested, and so on. Anything you experience is what it is and nothing you do not experience in that it is unknown to you does not exist relative to you or your experience for you have never known them and at least do not now know them and may or may not know them at some time in your future. That is all true, is it not?

There are real things. There are things that are true to reality. There are things in reality you do not know, things you never knew, and things you will never know. There are things that are unreal you may experience as though they were real. Things that are not true that you may imagine, think or conceive of even among those things that did not originate with you that you have imagined, thought or conceived of as though they originated with you though they did not, that have sources you know, do not know, never knew and, or will never know. Everything that exists is either real or not and either true or not. In other words you may experience reality. But you may believe you experienced things that are not real also. Those things are what they are whether delusion, hallucination, illusions, or lies of all types and kinds; they are not real.

There is that which always was real, is real at this very moment in real time, and that will always be real for ever and ever without end. There is also the one that is real, always has been real and will continue to be real without end; I shall call him, God; that created everything that is real.

God does not do anything that is not real or not true. Everything he thinks, says, or does, is always true, always was true and will always remain true without end. He has never changed, is not now changing and never will change. He is that he is at all times and anything he thinks, says or does is true of him or his real environment as it is of everything and anything that is true or we could not know him.

Therefore he is real and anything he creates is real though it was not anything before he created it, everything else is invented, meaning there was what God created before it, and it is not truly created but merely changed from something or somethings God had already created. And no one else may destroy anything God has created no matter how much they change it, for they cannot change everything without being God in the first place.

Only God could destroy some thing he created, but he has never needed to, is not now destroying anything, and never will destroy anything he ever made without a need and even then he will create it again if it was good. He will never create anything that is not good. And all things are either good or not good, having been created, by God or they are invented by evil in that they tend to lead toward what is, was, or will be destructive to everything else, even that we think, emote, or seek to discover about the creative one, me and many others have called God.

That is true. God is that he is. No one is like God. No two things he ever created are exactly alike being one not the other and the other not the one even if they differ merely by being in two different places and otherwise seem to be perfectly the same. Everything that is real is one of a kind entire to itself. Two or more things cannot be the same thing in the same time and place or they are the thing itself.

For example two places in space are not in the same place and are therefore different at least to that extent. If two identical places in space were in the same place they would be the same place in space, and inane thoughts like that exist only in meaninglessness which is not true to the reality God was, is and always will be or the rest of reality God created. The only difference between what God created and that God is, is that he did he did, and that he was, has always been, is now and will be without end and was not created even by him even if there was a time before he created anything which is inane to even consider, serves no purpose, and never will: Questions like: Where was God before he created a place to be in? How long did God exist before he created anything? If God was alone before he created anything how long was he alone? And even, What did he do then? Such questions assume things about God that exist only in our imagination. They are at best inane, but most likely they apply only to that we vainly imagine God to be, and he never was that, is not now that, and never will be only that for he is more than that and always was more than that and will always be more than that, for he does not change.

You are real at least right at this moment in real time. Therefore God either made you or allowed you to be what you are. If you are alive you are like God to that extent anyway. You can deny God exists, but he will yet live and exist. You can even believe he does not exist and yet he will yet be alive and exist even as you do, if you truly are alive. The question then becomes: If you believe God does not exist and are alive, how long will you live or even exist since he does both exist and live, for if he does exist and you don't believe it, that is the same as believing someone alive in some remote area on earth does not exist.

To that person you are dead. That person knows they exist and are alive. But that person may not ever know you ever existed or ever lived and to that person in that case you never were real in the first place to have actually existed or lived that you might either believe they existed or not. Also that person is the same to you. But it changes nothing. Both you and that person exist and are alive, or at least did live and once existed. But God knew all along you both exist.

It is the same with God. Your complete lack of faith in the other person's existence is inane, meaningless and irrelevant the same as your complete lack of faith in God's existence is the same. You cannot ask him if he exists or you tip your hand that you have no faith in his existence. He will not argue with you about inane things. But you also cannot personally prove he exists in any other way while doubting that he does. Therefore even your lack of belief he exists proves he exists and does not waste his time on vain arguments especially about inane things. Your lack of faith then proves the existence of God the very one in which you have no faith exists. Are you not just being silly not to believe he exists?

But if you are merely denying he exists, you also must know he must exist. Why else would you deny it? Just to be inane! Or in an attempt to change his nature and engage him in a vain argument! People that do such things must change their minds and go to him. He will not come to them. They are not even ignorant. If you were ignorant you are no longer. But if you are confused you may be so confused you do not know God exists. You have the choice to make as to whether you will go to God by just believing he exists despite your confusion or whether you prefer your confusion to knowing anything real, even God. That is up to you and your willingness to continue to put up with your delusions.

Chapter 2: Knowing God

You believe God exists then and that's a starting point. Now we have to get you to a place you can get acquainted with him. You do know he is person? He is. He thinks, he feels emotions and he even decides what he is going to do, just like you and I do. We are like him and he is like us. He's not some mean old alien that hates people. He's really quite genuine and gentle and nice. Odds are he already loves you and has been waiting for you to come to him and say something to him. He probably even wants to give you a hug.

But he is God you know? It's like, well, he's a big celebrity, right? I mean, he made everything. He deserves our respect like the President or somebody only more so. They aren't even necessarily for real. He knows all about you. Who you are. What you like and don't like. What you have done. Everything you've ever said and even everything you've ever thought or even felt. He knows how you're hurting. He's even been there at your worst times and at your best and all those boring mediocre times in between. But he doesn't need a file on you. He just knows these things.

Think about it a little before you talk to him then. People say all kinds of stuff about everybody. They probably even gossip about you. How would you like it if someone came to you and started talking to you believing what everybody said about you? You wouldn't, right? So let's just leave it up to getting to know him. I mean if you are like me you have probably heard so much about him, you're confused as to what you know.

So, just start out fresh with him. And don't worry. If you make a mistake just ask him to forgive you. Then believe he did. It's not the end of it if you say something wrong to God so long as you're sorry about it and real enough to ask him to forgive you. If I know him at all he will let you start over. I have several times and I'm no one special to him, not any more special than anyone else.

He loves me too. And I'm trying my best to be like him. So at least you know I'm trying to love you. I wouldn't do this if I didn't love you. I've been where you are too. I didn't even know he existed once either. I had to get to know him just like you. We're no different that way at all. Now I'm in love with him and he loves me back. It's better than being loved by anyone I've ever known. I can't tell you how great it is. You'll just have to find that out for yourself, I guess. I love him and I just can't keep myself from telling people about him, and so I want you to meet him too, if you want to that is. It really is a big deal to me but how about you?

I have this friend that calls me Friend. I call him Holy Friend. He's a Spirit like a ghost. But he is like God's Ghost, the Holy Ghost, or the Holy Spirit; the Bible first calls him the Spirit of God. He was the first person to come here the way he is. Even while God was making everything he was here moving on the waters before there even was a planet here. Jesus called him the Helper. He never says anything about himself though. He can help you better than I ever could. And you can talk to him just like you can to God, or Jesus, he is God's Spirit after all. He'll help you get to know God and himself if you ask him to.

You can't see him, but you may be able to feel him, or at least sense he's there with you right now. He can show you things you never thought of and he can let you know things you might not even have the words to say should you attempt to put what he showed you into mere words. But be nice to him and treat him with respect the same as you would God. Otherwise he might not interact with you and if he doesn't leave, it will have the same effect. Even if you feel you would like someone to help, someone human you can talk to face to face, he'll help you do that too. Even if you don't know what to say or even what you need, he can speak to God in your behalf about what you really need or need to say. He will help you.

Do you know Jesus of Nazareth, the Son of God? He came to help people just like us to escape the wiles of the evil ones out there, the ones that hate God and want to keep you away from God. He was born by a miracle: His mother, Mary, was overshadowed by the Spirit of God creating a baby in her womb with no sex involved whatsoever. She was a virgin when the Spirit came upon her and though she was pregnant she was still a virgin in that she had never known what sex was with anyone afterward. That baby was the Son of God, Jesus of Nazareth, later known as Messiah, or Jesus Christ. He is God too, born by his decision to come here and never sin, not even once, because the Spirit of God was with him every moment of his entire life. He was as much a human as you and I are, but he always did what God wanted without exception, everything he said was in God's Spirit, and even what he thought was given to him by the Spirit of God, and that made him not like God while he was here; but God.

He was God with us from birth to death. Human in every way, but because he never did anything God didn't do even in his horrible death he was not just like God, but God, himself, here in the baby's body that became a man who died on the cross and rose from hell. God in every way too. He was true. He is true. He is really God, because he has never been anything else. He became truth for us, truly one of us, and truly God among us. Everything he ever thought was good, everything he ever said was true, and everything he ever did was real. He is real and he is in heaven with his Father, his God and our God, the God you are trying to get to know. No man was ever that real before his time, and no man but him can do what he did because they would have to be him to do it, the same as you cannot do what I have done and I can't do what you have done.

We are all unique, Jesus Christ, me, you, the Spirit, God Almighty and God. You see Almighty God can do anything! He can even make you like Jesus Christ in the end. You can't be him, but you can be like him; a god being and doing, saying, and even thing real things that are completely real, and completely true in what you think, say and do forever with your Father then his Father and his God here on earth; your God for ever and ever without end with Jesus Christ your holy Brother, not like God but God also. It's really not that complicated. It is just difficult to explain in words. When you see him you will be like him too as millions of Christians have already been and hopefully millions more will join them, especially you. Then even what you imagine will be real and all you think, say, do or feel: Very real things will come from you, things that will last forever. You will be real and everything you do will be real, just like everything God does is real and you won't even need God to straighten out your error. You won't need it. You will do all things that you do well.

Chapter 3: What is Going On

You see we were holy just like God when we were fetuses and some even before that. Then our parents' sins began to affect us and even by the time we were born we were not holy any longer. We were innocent like all babies, but we were not holy like Jesus was in the cradle in Bethlehem where he was born and still is even though he's in heaven with God. Once we were born sin was all around us and if we lived long enough we became changed by evil in what we thought, said and did; everyone of us. Finally even our body's, our skin, our muscles, our internal organs and even our brains were effected by sin and we were no longer what God intended to make when he made reality. We get sick, our bodies grow old, our minds think things God would never think; we say things that are hateful and mean sometimes, and we do things that are not very loving, because we can't help it. We become nothing like God, nothing like what he made; even reality, it is as if God had lied when he said what we were to be, for we have become something he would never make anyone be. But he didn't do it, sin did.

He wants us to be holy like he is, real in every way possible and true to the personality of God the Spirit of God, the Son of God and Almighty God just like we were if only for a moment in our mothers' wombs. For that to happen we have to love God in pure, or holy love, the kind of love God has for everyone and everything he ever made. And the only way we can be that again is for him to create us something he intended us to be way back when we were fetuses again. Physically we remain our own age but spiritually, what we think, what we feel emotionally and what we choose to think, say and do is born all over again, we are spiritually reborn and our body becomes like a spacesuit we wear in this evil place that looks like any sinful evil body out there, for it looks the same as it did, and it is for our protection from all that evil sin out there. We become like good aliens living among evil humans that are only evil because they were corrupted by what evil aliens did to them, their minds, their emotions and that even effects the choices they make.

Most people will always be like that, but we will always be like we are, like God wanting as many of the others unlike us to be real again just like we were spiritually reborn to be in the first case. Jesus showed us how to do it, but we still can't do it, so God sent a Holy Friend, the Spirit of God, to help us do it. And we will be like that when we are enough like God, and we will be able to do it with the Spirit's help and then when we see God we will be perfectly like him, real, true and loving and the rest that God is. Then we will live forever like that without end just like God; good for ever and ever without end but not exactly him you understand but also like we are too.

It is like we were little kids that had been sleeping comfortably in our mother's lap. And we woke up unexpectedly and all this was going on. And in moments we became completely taken in by what was going on around us. And we started to cry because we were scared and confused.

Then God like our mother or father had to reassure us that what was going on wasn't real. It was just a play. The actors were playing roles and got the entire audience involved in playing roles. That's called audience participation. And all this weird, horrible fiction was going on around us, but we thought it was real and we became involved in it like some of the audience got so involved in it they thought it was real, so we reacted to all the fiction like it was real and became just a part of the audience participation just like everyone else when we reacted the way we did. When we finally understood, we weren't scared or confused either one anymore and we began to pretend it was real just like everyone else and had a whole lot of fun.

That is except the actors in the case of the play we are really in, wanted us to be taken in, and it got so real it began to effect us physically as people got so carried away they were even killing each other and junk like that. And in the end those evil actors even got to believing it was real and did horrible things themselves and it wasn't just for fun anymore, because of the things they and everyone else did for they now believed what was going on too.

They had to go to jail when the authorities, in our case Almighty God, came and raided the goings on. And in the end, it turned out that most of the audience, all the actors and even the spectators all became fictional in what they thought, said, did, and felt, and chose to actually do giving false testimonies they actually believed though none of it was actually true; but the real world was still out there and they had to be punished for the crimes they committed even while they thought it was just fiction all the same exactly like they had actually known what they were doing all that time they committed the very real crimes.

It actually happens in mobs and the like. People don't know what they are saying, and what they do. They can't believe they would ever do that; but they go to jail all the same for what they really did was wrong and all the evidence against them is very real and perfectly true. They have to. No society can have people going off like that and get off, Scott Free. In our case the Spirit helps us understand what was really going down, and Jesus Christ showed us how not to get that involved by forgiving us for being the way we were by allowing the spirit of the mob that got out of hand to torture him and even kill him. And the shock of what he did made a lot of people understand it had to stop and they did just like Jesus did because they loved all those people that were being taken in by the actors.

But it never ended until God got everyone out that woke up from being so involved in the mob because Jesus was the only one not taken in by it. Then the entire crowd was punished for all the crimes they committed. In the real world, the world God made, they were destroying the entire planet and would have killed everybody if those God got out of there hadn't been saved. Do you see now what God and Jesus and the Spirit are up to? Then let them save you. They may even let you help save some of the others still involved in the lawless mob mentality or better said the spirit of the mob.

It's like the Slender Man craze on the Internet. It was scary. It was fun. And everyone was role playing it was real and that their role playing was true though they only intended to pretending it was real. But look where it went. Some little kids thought it was for real and actually killed one of their friends by stabbing her to death.

It isn't funny. It gets real to some of the people involved. And sooner or later someone, or in our real case a whole lot of people get to believing it is real. And literally all hell breaks loose. And it's very tragic for things happen no one ever intended to do in the end.

In the end an innocent little girl was murdered. God can't allow that forever. But the important part is that most people will become fictional characters and believe the roles they get into all their lives and turn out to be people no one, not even God could wake up out of that fiction. Even their spirits wind up like that and have to be quarantined forever; the lake of burning sulfur and before that hell, where they await their final punishment.

It is very serious business. Take it seriously. God does. He doesn't really have a choice because he loves everyone just like he loved the little girl that was murdered as well as the little girls that murdered her in the Slender Man situation and even the guys that started the craze and the ones that inspired them to do it. Even God couldn't wake them up and look what they did. That little girl is really dead. It was no harmless joke anymore, but then it never was when the Devil inspired them to do it in the first place, was it? Anything you do like that he gets involved and ruins it.

Chapter 4: Loneliness and Depression

Innocence started in Eden, a garden paradise the first human, Adam was placed in by God. He was not created there however. He was created out of elements on the earth God made. That planet is real and all lies the devil may have manufactured to discredit God aside, everything there was very good, or exactly like God. But it turned out Adam who didn't even have a name yet would have gotten lonely. Who would have blamed him? God didn't. He saw the problem and he acted in a proactive manner. He didn't wait for Adam to get lonely. He headed the problem off. He created Eve out of Adam's rib, who didn't even have a name at the time she was created either. God knew Adam was one of a kind and the only one of his kind. He knew that his spirit would waste away because he didn't have anyone like himself to love. God loved him. He loved God. And they were real and good and it was all true.

But Adam wasn't just spirit like God was there with him. He was also physical. And left to himself he would die when he realized he was not God or even a god, when he realized he was different; he would have been alienated and unable to relate to God because of it and he could not be what he was and love God with his entire mind, heart, and all his strength. He would change, and not just change but irreparably so. The Adam that was, would cease to be, or die, and a new unacceptable alienated creature would take its place, a creature that was completely alone, if he didn't die physically because of it too. And he couldn't remain that way forever even though he was holy. He would become concerned about his needs alone, a little bit at first, but in the end he would have been completely involved in himself and would have forgotten about God. And when he remembered God it wouldn't be the same between them ever again.

God wouldn't forget him, he would still love him and he would actually be there even when Adam was completely self-absorbed, but Adam would be distant because he had gone somewhere in his thoughts without God. It was inevitable. It couldn't be avoided because it was possible and Adam like any human was curious like God. He would eventually check it out either by accident or after premeditation and go there. God had always been with him. But there was a place Adam could go by accident, by his own nature, or by his own choice where God was not, never has been and never will go, a place wherein he didn't love God with all his mind.

He needed to be distracted in such a way he would be forever grateful to God especially when alone. He needed Eve made like him and even of him to render that place in his mind impossible to reach. Eve was the solution. And it worked.

Have you ever been lonely? Do you remember how much harder it was to reconnect with the other people on the planet? You could do it. In the end of that struggle you did do it, but it was never the same, was it? If you're like me you never connected entirely with anyone. I didn't until I connected with God and he connected with me in such a way I became so grateful just for him being there, I can't picture ever going back to those lonely places in my mind. When we are lonely, we get into our thoughts more than what is real.

We get drawn into thinking there is no one here but us, when the truth is everyone else is still there just like they always were. It's as if we actually said, "What if I was the only person in existence?" or "What if I am really the only one that ever existed, or ever will?" And we couldn't help ourselves we were drawn into that suggestion and we felt something, something other than just being bored; that is if you are like me.

The problem with "What if..." suggestions is that they potentially challenge what you know to be the true case. And they always lead to fiction, fiction that makes you feel, changes your mood, entertains you, and distracts you from what you know to be the case. But the end result of that is a hunger for company, a need that cannot be satisfied by yourself and if you are like me the realization of your uniqueness is undeniable and you realize you are separate from everyone you have ever known, now know and possibly will ever know. We become lonely. And until we fully connect with someone else, for me it was God, the knowledge the feeling exists brings the feeling alive even in a crowd at times, or even when having fun with friends or family reinforcing our fear the feeling will never again be completely gone, or even when just reading a book that mentions it. Forgive me for that, please, if I have brought any loneliness in you to the fore?

But it wasn't real in the first place. It was a fictional place in our thoughts that had trapped us into believing it is, always was and may always be real. God may never have given you an Eve or if he did some evil ruined that relationship. There is no one to help us with our problem that may go there with us in our thoughts, no one who has been there, and no one that we will be able to relate it to.

God never went there even when he went to hell and he won't. We cannot even share our fictional place with God. And when we do find a friend both of us avoid the subject. But when we get braver we may be able to share it, but nobody wants to talk about it, or dwell on the topic that's for sure. It's more than just being lonesome for some particular person, even God. It's more than just being lonesome. It's personal. It's uncomfortable. And it isn't even real. Being lonesome is the feeling. Being lonely is being trapped in a fictional or evil place one got to in his spirit and became so involved with it they can't shake it, because the experience changed them.

When you are lonely you have encountered evil. It's not a sin to be lonesome but one cannot be lonely without being affected by evil. Every time you experience any kind of separation it can come back to you; whether being left out of a conversation, being left behind when your family goes somewhere you cannot or will not go, being unemployed in a world full of workers, any separation especially that separation caused by the death of someone important in your life even divorce from a spouse, especially if they had always been a part of your daily routine or even feeling spiritually separate from God for any reason at all, the feeling that comes over you when you sin.

Psychological things begin to occur that are not pleasing, or negative. Physiological things start taking place in your brain, nervous system, and your physical health can effect you especially your immune system. But it all tends to separate you even further and more often.

You listen to songs about lonely people, loneliness' effects on people, you are drawn to stories and TV shows or movies that include lonely characters or situations. Your thought life is being taken over by loneliness, even the supposed ways to deal with it. And self-help books draw you in more to thinking about your problem than they help you escape its effects. It may not kill you but it won't prolong your life either, if anything it will shortened it even if you're a Christian.

But all that, is sin. Evil has tempted you and sin has taken you over and distracted you into being in the presence of the very evil you know you can't handle. You don't want to do it. But you cannot help yourself. That's because you are not doing it. Sin is. Depression has set in.

The only one that can save you from it is God, but you are distant from him, you don't even think about him much anymore. You feel like you're dying inside, because you are. You try to read your Bible, but you find it all the same, or not very interesting like it once was. Ironically everyone mentioned in it but God even Jesus when he was in Hell were dealing with it and everybody you know is dealing with it, but a few believers that used to make you feel so good. But even they are an irritant to you now. And you feel like it's all your fault. You are different from anybody else that isn't lonely or depressed, and they don't really have any answers either.

Therapy, group therapy, peer counseling, a therapist, even a pastor, no one and nothing seems to help. Medications seem to, but they aren't the entire answer and deep down you know it. You start doubting everything, people, God, yourself even the possibility of ever getting better.

Give up. Ask God to let you die tonight when you go to sleep and really mean it. Don't commit suicide. Let God take care of that for you. Then if in the morning nothing has changed and you are physically still alive. What then?

That's a good thing. God didn't kill you or even take you home. You were dead already if you kept going the way you were. But God didn't kill you to spite you. He never does anything out of spite. Maybe you are never going to do anything about the problem, you've gone too far and he didn't kill you because he didn't have to, you are already dead in a sense?

Do you really think God is like that? He didn't kill you because he loves you. You know that is true if you know God at all, don't you? You feel dead inside. But he didn't kill you so there is still hope for you. You may yet live. Not numb or high on pills or a little down on enough medication to make a snail out of a long distance runner. You have a choice to make, you can ignore it and God and therefore just refuse to thank him, or you can thank him. You are still alive or he killed you and has resurrected you. Either way he loves you.

At least you're aware he's there. That's not sin, and it certainly isn't evil. He has rewarded you with another day of life even if you are in no mood to appreciate it. 'Why would he reward me?' you may think. You did something. You gave up. Now let him lead you out of your sin. If you're like me, you know the alternative only too well by now.

Loneliness isn't a sin. Depression isn't a sin. Allowing sin to have control of your life is evil, and doing evil is a sin. Ask God to forgive you for it and accept that he has. Then go one more step further and ask him to give you more energy. You will need it. You have a fight on your hands. A fight you can't win by yourself, a fight you have to let God win through you, and a fight he has fought so many times before it's not worth mentioning for its redundancy.

For me it helps to go to God in prayer and ask for the Holy Spirit to come to you. And when I don't sense he's there, I tell him I'm having trouble sensing him to please let me sense he's there; some sensation, some word in my mind, or some illumination or some idea in my brain that explains so much I know I couldn't ever think of all that on my own.

He's my Friend, he likes to do stuff like that. The important part is you're dealing with God, and God is dealing with your depression and your loneliness. The ball's in his court now. He may only expect you to watch him fix everything. But most likely he is going to take you somewhere. You're not doing it again. But it's God doing things this time, not sin. How can you lose? You've got your attentions back on Jesus and the rest of God!

Every sin you ever encounter will be like this example if you keep looking at yourself, and evil, and sin. There are no answers there. Look to God! Distract yourself with good. Turn to God over and over and over again as many times as it takes. Every believer has to do it. Some just do it sooner than others. If you can't handle it, you know someone now who can. Don't look for evil. It's too easy to find. Most of the world does that. Look for good. Keep in touch with God, with Christ and the Spirit or even Almighty God. Stop being like a dog that uses its fine sense of smell to smell dog poop. You're smarter than that, I know you are. Stop sinning by looking at something or someone else that is good, especially God. I pray that you will every time sin sets a trap for you in an effort to kill or destroy you. Amen.

Chapter 5: All the Players

In my experience it is so that there is God, the three persons of God; the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit; one person comprised by three persons each a separate God while comprising the one God they are all together God. Ever feel like you make choices you wouldn't feeling like your will belongs to someone else, and I don't necessarily mean bad choices. That's good. It means you are like God more than you thought. Your will is becoming like a separate person's will form yours. And it'll be like that. You'll start having another set of emotions or react to things in a different way than you feel about them. And you will start thinking of things you wouldn't think about. They were all you once. Now they have their input to what you say, feel, and do also. You're not going crazy. You're becoming like God you were when God first made you what you really are. Their Spirit is in you and it's not you. You're a saint, a child of God comprising, like the rest of the Bride of Christ, the real Church the one spirit but each one believing, and obediently loving God, each other, and everyone else even as God does and intended for you to do in your earliest beginnings.

There are what I call charlatans, spirits that believe in error or on purpose. They aren't really saints at all, but they are just pretending it's for real, and they do not love the saints, each other or anyone like God either because of their delusion or delusions, or because of their evil ruse or ruses designed to prey on the saints or other people like the modern day Jews that claim to be Jews, but in rejecting the Son of God have nullified their faith in God.

They are thereby neither a saint nor a Jew because they do not really worship or even believe the God they claim to worship, opting for a tradition and a religion instead of actually believing God and being loved by the God they claim though many are still in love with whom they used to think he was. For instance who are they praying to when they assume the Son of God is the Devil? That ain't the God their ancestors prayed to at all. All the time their god does not really exist.

Then there are the entire churches that believe things that are not true of God, things their evil imaginations have come up with, things taught them by demons and devils, things that render their religions worthless to God.

But often times as in the case of the Roman Catholics for instance they are very successful among humans with some Popes being mere puppet spirits of devils and demons with others operating under the delusion such false beliefs are sanctioned and even forgiven by God whom they profane with those traditions and beliefs in false gods, idols and even demons and devils acting as if they were a god worthy of worship.

Then there are unbelievers. They reject the existence of God, and opt for atheist doctrine, a doctrine taught by demons and devils. They believe demons and devils are God that are really false gods that distract them away from the truth and the one real God of the Bride of Christ, the Church comprised entirely by true saints and the true Jews that believe God and the Son of God in the Spirit of God. Some of them actually believe God exists, but he is not interested in us and therefore is irrelevant to our lives, another doctrine taught by demons and devils. They believe in idols which they worship as if they were gods though they are not gods in anyway except in the imaginations of those that worship them. Gods like their possessions or even their physical looks, they have to worship something. It's our nature to worship some thing or some one.

Then there are the spirits. The spirit of the human body being one. They are in many materialistic humans and humans that believe only in what is called the human spirit or even Number One, or Numero Uno. Sometimes they don't even believe in spirits they are so distracted by material things including their own physical bodies, but just as often more likely they are scientists and secular humanists. They are dead spirits because their spirit is dead because it will die if they do not accept God and the spirit that is reborn in the saints. They are their own ghosts even while their physical bodies are alive which become disembodied spirits after the death of their physical bodies. They refuse to go the way of the spirits. They are evil so they cannot go to Heaven. So they haunt the living or hide from them. And since they have no real power they fear the other evil spirits that are godlike by comparison to most ghosts.

There are demons, spirits invented in the bodies and minds of humans and empowered by devils with doctrines and evil powers similar to, but not quite the same as the powers of devils; evil spirits that grow in the bodies of humans taught by devils or other more completely matured demons that know how to use the human body and the once resident spirit of the body they destroy by changing it so much it is no longer what it had been.

These are often seen as people of renown while growing, possessing or oppressing a human body. Brilliant scientists who possess intellectual abilities beyond the ability of the human brain, brilliant theorists like Einstein and Stephen Hawking for a couple of examples, clairvoyants, psychics, idiot savants, the entire collection of humans with superhuman abilities that always serve evil or some alternative to God with their doctrines learned from their possessors or oppressors, humans with angelic abilities are neither human nor angel; even aliens that are like them are the same; and since they are always servants of evil they are like the fallen angels; devils. But demons are not ever completely devils either.

There is the Devil and there are devils. They once were angels, but when conceit was found in Lucifer he was able to convince a third of the angels to rebel against God. Were he a human he might be considered a sociopath with the goal of being God one day with absolutely nothing he will not do to accomplish that goal, though he is in real time only an angel, a very powerful angel which is a very powerful messenger of God yet possessing nothing that is immutable like God's power.

They will all fall in the end times. And when the saints go to war with them in heaven they defeat them and there is no place in heaven for him or the devils any longer rendering them all from the Devil himself on down to the least among them earthbound. They are evil and were they humans they would be called sinners for they are incapable of actually doing anything good anymore.

But in real time as we call the here and now they are yet angels and are still in heaven until such time as they are not needed and are defeated by the saints in the last of the last time. The Devil himself invented evil and has wrecked havoc on earth from his first lie told to Eve in Eden when he possessed a serpent and talked to her, drawing her into the first evil that resulted in Adam choosing to sin and join her by disobeying God, a thing that took a long time, but ended in their physical deaths, ruined Eden, left them in exile and in need of being resurrected to face the judgment in the end like the rest of us. Sin has been at work ever since and evil has been present here since the Devil's first lie in Eden and will continue to be here until God creates the New Earth and New Heaven restoring reality to purity containing no evil for ever and ever.

Then of course there are angels. The ones that did not rebel against God, even the angel of God, the angels or the LORD. There are twice as many of them as there are devils and even though the devils grow as many demons as they can manage they are still outnumbered. And Angels fight to contain the spiritual chaos in real time and throughout time created by the Devil's rebellion in heaven.

The most striking thing is that other than the spirit of a mere human's physical body, spirits are not bound by time and move through time as easily as we move around in our thoughts; as quickly as a human may change his attentions to another thought they can move from the process of creation all the way to the New Heaven and New Earth and actually be there, experience it, and effect it were it ever present in time which it is not, for it will not be created until after the Devil and all evil entities are quarantined in the lake of burning sulfur never to affect anything outside that confinement and unable not to be so distracted by their punishment they can do anything else or affect or effect anything even therein.

If you can think of it, an angel or a devil is capable of it especially taking over your thoughts in such a way you, yourself think you are thinking what they actually are thinking, something no angel should do, but something demons and devils find very useful. Evil spirits do not play by any rules and will do anything to further evil at the expense of anyone else, even God if they can work it. God, the angels, and the saints play by the rules and overcome evil with good when they are acting in God's Spirit. In other words when they are at their most powerful and wisest for that gives them access to the power of God.

We exist in all that. Consider where you are, where you belong and how you have gotten there or may get there. You have a choice to make, but as for me I choose to stay with God no matter what. May you always do the same and that for ever and ever. Amen.

Chapter 6: Recovery

Christian recovery is not just for those diagnosed with mental disorders as is the current popular term in real time at the time of this writing. So called mental disorders are routinely diagnosed under the present system according to current psychiatric guidelines and theories. Most often any so called treatment of any mental disorder incorporates medical therapy, the use of drugs and the management of so called symptoms by merely managing them. They are like every malady known to humankind merely classifications and perceived procedures used to help control the effects of evil and the actions of sin on that particular population. Those thought to have mental disorders for instance are actually effected by sin even in their brains usually as the result of stress caused by sin. They are like people with similar spiritual reactions to evil and similar sinful actions taken as a result in needless error. Most of them are powerless to control it without help, your help LORD.

But as with all sin, simply managing its affects and controlling its ramification does not go far enough. Should you be a believer in God, in other words an obedient Christian saint, as if there were actually any other kind of saint, and yet you qualify for a diagnosis with any mental disorder the goal is not to manage or control your disorder, but to eradicate your sin and heal the effects of sin on your spiritual person and physical brain.

We know what a mental disorder really is. But psychiatric treatment of what they call a mental disorder is helpful even for a Christian without such a disorder to understand. They are not against us though they are not really one of us. For instance they are really deluded, but they can be a lot of help especially with physical injuries incurred while in contact with evil and our resulting sinfulness in attempting to deal with it, even without the help of God. It is not a sin to bring yourself under your control and if they can help you regain control of yourself are they not assisting you work out your salvation with God?

Therefore do not fight with them. On the contrary accept their help as you would a physician, for once under control of your emotions and thoughts again, will you not be able to better work with God to eradicate the evil from your spirit, soul, mind, heart and better be able to gain or regain your strength that you may resume your Christian walk and love God ever more effectively?

But remember they are in error in both what their goal is and in their thinking just like any physician. They exist to help the perishing control themselves in what they reason to be a diagnosable problem, a thinking malady in this case, or in some cases even a physical illness were any of that even really possible.

There is nothing wrong in treating your physical body, your muscles, fat, organs, even your physical brain in an effort to make it more useful to your spiritual goals and ultimate salvation if you keep the real goal of such treatment in mind. Even they recognize that healthy Christians do not have a mental disorder and they do not as yet consider what they call our religion destructive to their society and to the extent they do not they may assist us in our recovery from sin. Are they not our allies in such struggles? Our goals are just different goals altogether. If they are not against us, they are for us.

But work with them with caution for in their zealousness they may attempt to convert you to their system of beliefs and unwittingly drag you down into their sinfulness along with them.

For example, they love to have you take credit for your progress, progress you made merely in bringing your will under control again, a thing that threatens your humility and tends to make even saints conceited and not humbly giving the glory to God where it belongs. Accept their beliefs are not yours and your beliefs are not theirs, but reject their attempts to get you to join them in their sinfulness.

In all things be thankful to God. Their delusions are not the truth you got from Jesus, do not all delusions lead to folly at their least? Love them as you would any unbeliever knowing even as God does when loving them that they may never turn and actually be able to love you with the holy love you first encountered in the person of Jesus Christ the Savior of your soul from all evils.

Don't ever be afraid then to love even devils at least for now in real time. And love even them as you have been taught; in complete self-abandonment with no thought of personal gain and without expecting any reward. That way God will reward you for what you do, and he will be your greatest reward. Your spiritual health will follow you all the way to heaven when you see him face to face and become like him. Fight the good fight! The kingdom of God will come to earth and God's will shall be done here in real time as it is in heaven.

But do not let them retrain your mind to think like they do, but always try to convert it to Christian principles and reject what you know did not come from God, but don't argue with them. They are very religious about what they believe and have great faith in their limited ability to help, believing that is enough. Just remember God is a jealous God and accepting any demonic doctrine that professes any alternative to God; that he sees as adultery. You are God's servant. Do not allow yourself to be stolen away from the ways of your Master.

Their ways settle for controlling the effects of evil while doing nothing about the sin that followed your encounter with it. They do not even pray against being tempted to entertain that evil again. They seek only a needless, unfruitful, willingness to manage its effects for the rest of your physical life, a thing you should never settle for, because you are so much more than that, and have so many more important things to do with your life, both physically and spiritually.

It is my hope to reveal to you in the chapters to follow the truth about what they call symptoms in the hope of helping you understand what is really going on with you while making it relevant to other real concerned Christians also. It may assist you in avoiding, becoming confused by their beliefs unnecessarily. Let us then leave off with what we have been doing and get to work getting you healthy physically, emotionally, mentally, but most of all spiritually that you may be back to reality and not just back but at your full potential and strength once again.

Chapter 7: Be Holy Wounded Sinner

The goal of Christian recovery is the same for all believers; to be holy for God is holy. But being holy is more than just being set apart from everything and everyone. It is more than being sinless and innocent. It is more than being unapproachable by anything that is not loving, sinful, or evil. It is even more than not being affected or effected by evil and its consequence of sinning. It is more than demanding respect and being feared. It is being worthy of that because of who we really are and accepting of only true perceptions of that we are. We must then be real; thinking, saying and doing things that are true to that we really are which is holy children of holy God always treating others in our community as we would have them treat us. Love them as we love God completely and willfully abandoning our selves, our thoughts by our own free will in all the strength we have.

But set your bothers and sisters apart from this world, from ourselves and others just like we do God. Recognize they are sinless and therefore innocent of any form of judgment, criticism or accusation especially by any evil, but also by the holy, their own holy brothers and sisters, and that because of holy God. Do not approach them or holy God in any unloving manner. Think nothing but loving thoughts about them, saying nothing that is not loving to them and loving everyone else even ourselves. Do nothing hateful, sinful, or do evil things in their presence or for that matter outside of it. Assist them in any way possible to shield them from being affected or effected by sin especially your own sinful reaction to evil or by any evil itself expecting the same be done by them toward you.

Do not be like a dog and rush to them expecting they receive your familiarity. But do not be like a cat, aloof and willing to be familiar with them only on your terms. Do not even be familiar with anyone for such is to lie. No one, but God who knows you better than you know yourself, knows all about you completely. To be familiar with others is to assume you know all about them which in the case of strangers is certainly not true. And in the case of a close friend in the faith even, a sister or brother, you know very well it is still a lie.

You are not holy God. There will always be things you do not know about anyone, for there are things they do not even know about themselves that only God knows, things God may help them or even you find out about yourselves as you interact or of course something about him neither of you knew before or could have known without your interaction.

Holy God knows everyone completely, but he does not treat them with familiarity for it causes others who do not know him completely to react with familiarity toward him and he will not do anything to cause anyone else to sin or lead them to do evil, neither evil thoughts, evil words, or evil actions which are sin and will leave them sinful. To corrupt anyone or anything that is holy, is that not the goal of the Devil, his devils, demons, unbelievers and dead spirits that they might feel justified? Make every effort not to do this to anyone while regarding the weaker brother or sister as you would regard your own soul. Recognize danger, but fear nothing and no one. Fear instead the only holy God that made you and can before your next thought cast you into the lake of burning sulfur.

Forgive me for assuming you did not already know that and for any resulting familiarity between us that may have grown up in your understanding between the words or as they say between the lines.

Do not be perceived as lazy in the eyes of others however. Sloth is a sinful reaction to evil thoughts and feelings and like all sins it can take one over without their even realizing it. If God impresses upon one there is something they should do, they should do it. Doing nothing is not just not to do anything and it is disobedient to God to do nothing when there are things that could be done.

If you have difficulty planning on doing anything God gives you a desire to do, or not to do, or if you even feel his prodding in your spirit to do some thing and you have not done anything in some time, confess your sin to God and then do whatever you are given to do.

It may come in the form of a feeling to do a specific thing no matter how insignificant it may seem. Do that. But it may come in the form of the awareness you should do something without any knowledge as to what it might be. It is left to you to think of something to do, no matter how unimportant or unnecessary. Choose something and then do it. If you fail, ask God to forgive you and start all over again with the realization you have been forgiven for your disobedience; the slothfulness that has just taken your spirit over and defeated your plan to overcome that sin. Should you begin to do something and for any reason do not complete what you planned so that you do nothing and give into your sin again, do not think that just starting to do something is a positive step toward doing anything. Sin has stopped you from completing your action. You have allowed the sin of slothfulness to win again.

But don't get discouraged, for that prevents even an attempt to overcome this sin. Ask God to forgive you as many times as you must until you actually do something. But do not act with pride even then. Instead praise God for the victory he has given you. Recognize that, without God you would have remained inactive and continued to do nothing until you died. But also recognize that by doing something you have been obedient to God and did not sin, if that you did was not something else that was sinful. If so, stop sinning and ask God to forgive you and then do something else that is not sinful next time.

If you find that you are doing uninteresting, think what you are doing with the act you did. You have obeyed God. You may have taken the first step in a thousand mile journey. You cannot be left by God doing nothing which is sin forever. And you have in doing anything, whether you found it interesting or not, set out on a journey following God out of your sloth into your recovery regardless of what has caused the sin. Like any sin slothfulness has corresponding undesirable physical changes and doing anything, no matter how uninteresting it may seem to you at first, it also has desirable physical changes no matter how slight that will help you recover physically as well as spiritually from the sin that has besought you.

Even if it was something you used to find interesting and enjoyed doing, but do not find interesting or enjoyable to you at the moment, it just means you have changed is all. Find out who and what you are in God now, whom you have access to by the loving, righteous acts of Jesus Christ, your Lamb of God, in the Holy Spirit. Be willing then to start over if you must. Trust God. Stop sinning and change your mind about the sin that desires to have your soul like a hungry wolf stalking you as if you were a young and wounded prey. I say, "Trust God and stay close to him. He will lead you safely home."

If you do not it has occurred, though rarely in saints, to being reduced to doing meaningless things that have no need to be done over and over though even they don't know why they are doing them; doing the same thing over and over expecting it to work out differently though they do it exactly the same way each time. It may also result in them doing absolutely nothing, just lying there without moving or anything for long periods of time, sometimes for months; as if they were in a coma without a meaningful thought in their mind, feeling nothing, saying nothing and doing nothing. It is rare, but it can happen. It has happened even to believers.

God willing it will not last forever, but in the case of a believer will God take you home or accept you have surrendered to a fictional existence, the existence of a dead spirit with a dying body that will eventually die if you do not come out of it and then take you home. I know that sounds horrible, but decide not to die because of your encounter with evil to be lost in that extreme sin which is or at least seems spiritual, mental and even emotional death with no self-control involved whatsoever that you might change it before even your physical body and brain die.

Pray even then if you still can. God still loves you if there is anything left of you to love. Most recover and if you are one of those, welcome back to the living. Even should you not be a believer what better reason to become one after knowing first hand the idle death of laziness is there? My heart weeps for you.

You may not have been there, but you may have been on the road. It becomes uncomfortable for you to even be around people for a half a year or more at a time and the times between the times it happens become shorter and shorter if they exist at all. It becomes more and more difficult to perform even the most basic tasks at work, at home, and even in taking care of yourself. Your ability to do anything becomes overwhelmed and you will give up on doing it if you let it go that far even if you cannot keep yourself from letting it go that far.

In that case, by all the signs, your spirit is shutting down. It doesn't matter what causes it. You need help, even the help of a mental facility and an adequate psychiatrist. You may even be overwhelmed and need the prayers of true saints to recover. It can and does get to the point where it is beyond your ability to even let anyone know what is going on with you, or to even ask for prayer by someone else.

But God doesn't always take people that are that far gone, that deeply injured by evil, that deeply into sin, home. And nobody wants that. Not me. Not you. Not the saints who care about you, and love you with the holy love given them by God for you. And certainly not God. It is very real. You are in real danger. Therefore I advise you: Do not let it get that way and that you do everything available to you to fight it.

God help you! Amen.

Chapter 8: Thinking Problems

Perhaps you are not that injured and just find it impossible to stay with the topic of conversation which sounds harmless enough. Even if you may merely find it difficult to stay on the topic, realize this: If you do not change your mind about sinning as a reaction to the evil you have encountered and the stress it brought to you or into your life, stress you might not even be aware of, if that has resulted in an inability to deal with it; it may get worse if you do not fight it and get help, preferably the help of holy God, some Christian brother or sister you trust and love that may lead you out of where you are or help you find some Christian brother or sister that can; or even just a psychiatrist or therapist that can prescribe medications should they determine it is either beyond your control or that you may be assisted in controlling it by medications, that is better than no help at all. Remember the dangers.

You may not be able to choose the correct word or even complete sentences on your own though you are still young. Your thoughts may even be so disorganized other people can't understand what you are talking about if you even know because it is difficult for you remain on topic even in your own thoughts. You jump from thought to thought to the point your words are so disorganized you don't make any sense.

If for instance you realize you can't remember what you were thinking about the first time you have changed your approach to just try to make it more clear to others, your manner having become too haphazard and the times you have tried to get the point across so many even you are not sure what you intended to relate in the first place, what is that? You may even have started to make up new words you have never heard or you have felt desperate enough to try it before, in an attempt to express your thoughts and ideas, but you might not even remember them after you have said them. People you are talking to, will begin to become annoyed and tell you they don't know what you are saying let alone what you are talking about. It may even be happening more and more often. You must face the facts you are not more intelligent than they are probably. The fault most likely lies with you.

Do you not need help by then? How could you pray when even you don't know what you are saying to God or even thinking you might like to share with him? How can God answer prayers that are virtually gibberish? You may even write your thoughts down and be satisfied with the results only to return at a later time and find you can't make sense of what you have written either.

If you cannot even communicate to the point even you can't comprehend it yourself though only a short time has passed, what good is it to even try? Your mind has begun to shut down. Your spirit is losing its ability to function. Are you not in danger?

People who know people like you, if they ever loved you and you are still alive physically, should not turn away from you. Would they turn away from a person that is bleeding to death, freezing to death, suffering from any malady that is life threatening or anyone else that is unresponsive? If you are unable to communicate to the any real extent so that when you respond even you make no sense to yourself, your hearers or even holy, all knowing, God, do you not need assistance?

In addition or separately you may have problems paying attention to others, or ideas may trigger other ideas you choose to consider to the point you cannot consider what other people are talking about. And that happens even after the idea you were so distracted with, even if it was some bit of understanding of what they were saying, which is not always the case-? Did you just drift off and can't pay attention because you are no longer present in the current conversation? It may be that you have started or are continuing on and often can't even remember where your thoughts had gone because you are distracted again and can no longer track the conversations because your hearers have begun to ask questions like, "Are you following me?" or "Do you understand?" or even, "Are you even listening to me?" And you can't be sure it is not always true that you necessarily would have been able to make sense of your thoughts had you been able to remember them anyway.

You may have even been so busy thinking you cannot remember what you were doing when the task you started doing required you think about something to accomplish it. Then you cannot remember what you had been thinking about when you return to your thoughts in an attempt to think what it was you needed to think in order to accomplish your task. But you had only hoped to do that in an effort to reconstruct what was going on in the thoughts you were thinking in the first place. But you can't remember what it was you planned to do because of the same phenomenon. So you neither accomplish the task or complete the thought. And you become anxious even at the thought of doing anything even some simple task next time because of the way it went the last time. Do you not need assistance?

Maybe you can't remember appointments because you were thinking about something else even while making the appointment in the first place. Then it surprised you to find out you had already made the appointment later when you try to make another, sometimes even before the time the first appointment was to take place. It can get that bad. And coupled with your lessening ability to communicate it can be debilitating even though it initially begins in very minor degrees and you chalk it up to absentmindedness.

You may even be reading this right now and have no idea what I am getting across to what I hope is more than just a few readers. Grasping even simple concepts may be beyond you at the moment because of your anxiety though you don't believe it has anything to do with you. You can't remember what they meant though you are aware you once would have known. And you may have forgotten the point because you keep drifting off into your confusion. It is more than simply because that's what you do when people attempt to share abstract ideas and concepts with you rather than simple, easy to understand, concrete, descriptions like what someone said, or did, or felt that can be grasped by even the very young and the very uninitiated. Do you even have trouble concentrating enough to track what is going on in your favorite TV programs, or to read even an easy read? You need help.

But the words, "You need help," seem unfair and utter nonsense to you because you do not even realize, or refuse to admit, you have a problem at all though almost everyone else can easily tell you do in fact have one. And people begin not talking to you because it is so difficult and you begin to give up on talking to them at least about anything important to you because they all seem to refuse to understand you.

But is that just the way you perceive it? You may be able to come to this one conclusion then if you can stay on the topic long enough: The entire world is crazy and I'm the only sane one. Some people in your circumstances have even attempted to prove that. But of course even those without such thinking difficulties cannot solve the inherent dilemma in an assumption like that. Yet it seems to be true to you. You need help. Believe me or at least believe God if no one else.

You may even have begun to think God is crazy. Is that you? You probably have wondered whether you were crazy to even believe there was such a person as God. You more than likely believe you are on to something, usually something very important to you, others, the world or that even God should know and doesn't yet and may never know until you find a way to tell them or God himself, but you don't have the intellect or the vocabulary necessary to communicate it. You might even engage in inventing new ways of communicating it no one finds to make enough sense to even humor you to the point of attempting to learn your new way of communicating, or more likely, they all fail to see any need to invent an entire new language to understand your gibberish which because of your invention has become and is even then more incomprehensible than before anyway.

But you feel you must invent a new system, or even a new mathematics for example to prove your concepts and it seems like it would be worth it if you did. But you lack the ability and must give up on communicating your ideas and concepts, which you can't remember anyway and the opportunity of a lifetime so it seems to you slips away.

Yet the idea there is so much more to communicate than they know lingers. And you try to reconstruct the entire thing from time to time being unable to lay down the important ideas you so dearly wanted to share which for all you really know never really existed. But they seem so important to you that you are willing to chase after them just one more time for you are doing better and are more rested now and thinking more clearly so surely you can manage it this time. They are so real to you!

But God says they don't exist. So it just keeps right on happening periodically at least for longer and longer periods of time wasted in that way, and short and possibly ever shorter periods between the episodic recurrences of it all recur until at last you can think of nothing else, but you never quite get to the point you can't express your ideas either.

Believe it or not there are medications that help that. There are therapies that can manage the problem. There are people that understand it is a problem and can convince you it is a problem and help you solve the real problem which as it turns out is nothing like the problems you attempted to communicate. Those ideas don't exist, never did exist and never will only the symptoms as they call it do and that's all you have really been able to communicate. Look what sin is doing to me. There is nothing to be learned from gibberish or from thoughts too grand for the human mind to comprehend enough to communicate them even to God. But the good news is there is help. Seek it out as you may be doing right at this moment. Understand me?

If not just try to remember the last time you were making a point and had to stop because you had lost the thought and you didn't know what to say next for you forgot what you were talking about and nobody else understood your point well enough to help you recover what you had just been saying? Can you remember that happening? How many times does it have to happen before you realize the thought didn't actually go anywhere and merely revealed your need for help? And that was all you managed to communicate. It did seem like it made sense when it came to mind though. Didn't it though!

But such ideas are not real, or true to God's reality, the only reality there is. Ground yourself in that. Settle down and communicate with God in a way he can comprehend what you are trying to say. He will restore your ability to communicate with others. He not only can heal you of gibberish, he can make you what you were before your encounter with evil and your needless consequential sinning. Humble yourself and go to God with any real or true request. Stop sinning and speaking in riddles and gibberish even you still don't really know what you meant by them.

May those who know you, and even those that just know of you pray for you? People like me even in a book for instance: God help him or her lay this evil down, stop sinning, and accept what has happened to him or her to the point of asking forgiveness for it and even more, may you LORD help them that do such things accept they are forgiven, understand what has really happened to them and that there never was any truth to that they thought they were onto and keep them from being tempted to ever to do it again. May they even come to the point wherein they plead with you not to lead them into even imagining they can go there without being deceived in whatever spirit may befall them that is not yours. May they find you again. Stay with you again. And start over making sense this time around without end. And help us see that what is beyond God is no more real than any other delusion for there is nothing that can be beyond your knowing. You know everything that can be known and even many things perhaps we will never be able to understand like how to make miracles that seemed to have come from nowhere we can truly understand as something in any way. Amen.

Chapter 9: Delusions

God is not the ultimate delusion. And he is not delusional. He really has always existed and he cannot cease to exist even if he wanted to, which of course he will never have any reason to do and that alone just might be the reason he will continue to exist without end even as he does now and always has before now ever existed. He is real and everything he ever created is real, or in other words he created reality as real as he was, is and will always be without end.

Everything he has ever allowed to exist, whether physical or spiritual was real while he allowed it to exist and nothing invented from the elements of the reality God created was actually created no matter how creative it may seem unless the likes of it had never been before, a thing even God knows no one else can do or has the personality to get it done.

Also nothing invented can actually destroy anything God created though it may destroy itself. But much less God who won't make anything he ever created all over again without he creates something new in a brand new context that renders that he created before nothing memorable to him or anyone else like he will do by creating the lake of burning sulfur wherein the very real Devil and all the others quarantined therein remain very real for he created them.

But then even there they serve no purpose to anything else he created or will create after that. Their existence therein is their problem which God has no interest in because they have rendered themselves fictional thinkers, thinking fictional things, reacting to those fictional things as if they were real which they are not. But they must yet react to the reality of their never ending torment like everything else originally created by God. But that so preoccupies their entire being they can do nothing else but be tormented continually forever, a fate they chose for themselves as truly as had they besought God to allow that they will receive.

They have nothing else they may desire afterward though they will always regret he gave them, not what they asked for, but the justice even they demanded of him in their self-righteousness and inescapable, personally irresistible, delusions. Everything God will create after that will either be created all over again or be a perfectly new thing created by God with the lake of burning sulfur forgotten by him and everyone else that is real for ever and ever.

God created the things that are unseen and the things that are seen. He created the Heaven and the Earth. He became his angel in Heaven and he became a man in the Earth. He did not create an angel in Heaven and then possess it as some think in error, he became his angel in heaven. He did not create Jesus of Nazareth born in Bethlehem, he became that man in Earth that was God in the same instance while he was here. God does not need to create God, he is God, why would he create himself?

That would be to become fictional as the Devil finds out when he invents himself in earth beyond the here and now, in what we call the future after there was no place for him in heaven ever again without end when the blessed saints defeat him and he is cast to earth discovering at last he is actually earthbound only to directly force God to grant him justice and cast him into the lake of burning sulfur by attacking him at Armageddon with all the armies of earth that are also cast in the lake of burning sulfur with him and forgotten for the unwanted fiction they always were since the time the Devil caused the serpent to lie to Eve. There is nothing unreal about that and every part of it is true and anyone that does not believe that is delusional like their father the Devil has been since conceit was first discovered in him.

Therefore most people in earth are delusional and only those who believe God lives in reality are not. The rest are just playing some sort of fictional role that corrupts their understanding of both reality and God. The saints on the other hand are believed in one of many people's delusions to be delusional though they are not that at all. All mankind but the saints in earth and in heaven are delusional. Every delusion, what most people believe, needs to be discounted. That does not mean God will not allow them to be as real as they were once in their mother's womb or in that they were intended to be by God before the deluded in heaven and earth corrupted their spirits, minds, emotions and even their physical make up with evil delusions as the result of sin and the fall of all humans in earth.

Isn't God just the most amazing person there could ever be! He grants even the fondest desires of the delusional as well as those that believe the truth alike! He even extends freewill to all even the Devil until such time he becomes as delusional as all those he led into delusion by means of his own evil inventions and fictional aspirations. They are all free to do whatever they do to the extent they have not placed themselves in bondage to the delusion of their choice. But they are especially free to request to be born again that they might be saved so that they may be completely changed in their spirit, mind, emotions, will and strength and dead to that they had once completely become also.

But among humans that are delusional there are some that even seem delusional in the way we know unbelievers are, but this time even unbelievers can see they are delusional. To God they are no different than any unbeliever in the truth that leads to a real life lived in the reality God created, the reality which is just as real as God always was, is and will continuously be without end for ever and ever. How else would humans understand that delusion is any better than that?

Those unbelievers believe some share beliefs in things not shared by their own cultures or religions and hold firm to those beliefs with unshakable fervor though overwhelming evidence exists to the contrary. Of course those believed to be delusional even by the unbelievers do not believe God when he points out that what they believe is not true. Some of them even claim to be Christians except for their belief in that particular delusion they refuse to abandon.

Entire churches like Roman Catholics believe the fictional woman they call Mary, Mother of Christ, is the actual mother of Jesus of Christ, and do not believe the veracity of the real female saint, Mary of Bethlehem, the actual woman that gave birth to Jesus of Nazareth and actually in the same blessed event gave birth to the Christ; God. They also have many other delusions in their so called "Christian" doctrine. It is up to God whether any that believe the Roman Catholic doctrine are even working out their salvation or will be like him when and if they see him like the rest of the true saints for not all who claim to be Christians are Christians; some don't even believe Christ is God but merely an angel. How can they be saved when they pray to God and are merely praying to an angel, a thing God expressly forbids in Scripture? Are they not altogether disobedient and delusional like any other unbeliever.

Many real Christians believe things that are not true, but are they saints to begin with? However no one believes the things they are ignorant of, or cannot accept. Will they remain unsaved for being unable to accept things God said were true at least in Scripture? As a word of caution just in case that is true, it is best not to believe everything in your church's doctrine or tradition, or even to accept things of that you cannot prove by God or Scripture to your satisfaction are true.

My point is beware! The Devil seems to be everywhere even in some very old churches and synagogues. Not all who profess the name of Christ are Christ's anymore than all Jews are actually Jews for many will come to him saying, "Lord, Lord did we not prophesy in your name and work miracles in your name?" but he will say to them, "Begone from me you evildoers!" There is then power in his name even among the delusional, but not every delusion will be tolerated, if any, for we are commanded to be holy even as he is holy.

But if such an unbeliever comes to you wearing shabby clothing and has no money but yet claims to be wealthy, is that unbeliever more delusional than any other unbeliever? It is unimportant to a believer. All unbelievers are delusional in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary of their beliefs, most of which they cannot defend without quoting their own writings or using the ideas of other unbelievers that were just as delusional as they are. It is like a perjurer calling another known perjurer as a character witness to shore up the first one's perjury. What is their point?

They testify to gossip and ideas of renowned thinkers that have convinced them the only real God is not true. Even if it were true, which it is, for how can God conform to that he created and not that he created instead conform to him? Anyway with hearsay and the unproven often unprovable ideas of their so called experts they prove nothing though in their vanity they are convinced it proves God is either a liar or nonexistent. Are not all that are delusional convinced of their delusions? They get nowhere with their vain claims. It is therefore just as believable to a Christian that a vagabond that claims to be rich is actually rich as it is for any unbeliever to claim he believes Christ is not God, or even that God does not exist or doesn't care about us and the evidence against their delusions is no less convicting to those with a sound, healthy, mind.

I personally believe the person in Mongolia that persistently downloads one copy of nearly every book I've written exists. I don't even know that person's name. But that person must be alive and real enough for God to have allowed him to download the shameful fiction books I used to write and am now ashamed of. Why do they have such difficulty believing God exists? He's just as real to me as that person in Mongolia is.

But I love God for he speaks to me, has left a book explaining most if not all the most frequently asked questions about him and his claims. Also I have experienced the many things he has done in my life no other power is capable of even starting to do, if they were good, loving and holy enough to even think of trying to do them in the first place.

Anyone that believes that person in Mongolia does not exist for any reason is delusional. I shall accept them as delusional. Yet I know nothing else about that person other than that. I can go on and on forever probably about the things I know about God that prove he is real, and yet they reject he even exists. Clearly their delusions have made them hateful and evil, it is best just to pray God will handle them as he handled the Devil in the end of Scripture. We should leave many things to God. We do not need a say in so many things. Us in living in human likeness in real time are not even like him yet unless we have already seen him.

I have more reason to believe unbelievers that would deny that Mongolian and God do not exist than I do that God does not in fact exist. I have never met them. All I know is they have chosen a user name and gotten on a site I was on while promoting books in the past. I was on the site at the entire time operating under the delusion I was a saved Christian though actually I was unsaved. I have, to publicize fiction books I have written in the past, went online posing as a character from one of my books I knew did not exist anywhere but in my fiction. They had much more reason to believe I did not exist than that God did not exist yet they openly believed I did exist. I cannot trust their judgment because of that alone.

God has never done anything of the sort with me. I have no reason I can see not to believe he does in fact and in real life exist. I have always known that since the age of six. I mean, it's like duh, who are these goofs? They lie about their names and take every precaution to hide their true identities though God is open and very transparent about who he is and has inspired volumes of nonfiction books about himself many if not all of which are highly credible. There is then ample proof they do not exist and the one controlling their every thought is the only thing left of their brain, than to believe they are real, yet I do. I even dare to love them. For how rude is it to assume someone that is real does not even exist! Dare I take that chance at the risk not being holy?

Chapter 10: Thinking

I believe there is something real or at least something God has allowed to be real even at the present moment behind every idea, concept, any other thought, sensation, emotion, feeling, impression, suggestion, doctrine, ideology, religion, theory, science, or voice; whether it seems to be in the mind, to have come from the mind, appears to be present in a human's environment originating outside the human body, heard by the human ear or appears to be that or any combination thereof. I believe that about everything written, drawn, photographed, videoed, or recorded in audio, from Adam to the latest baby born in real time, on out to all the things prophesied in the Bible, even to the never ending hereafter in Revelations in the New Heaven and in the New Earth, whether imagined, reasoned out, said, done, or even implied by the scarcest innuendo to exist in any or all of that.

I am not a doubter. I am a believer. Doubting is evil.

It all was created by God, or invented by someone or something, good or the invention of someone evil; living or dead, forgotten or remembered. I believe every truth God ever shared with me or anyone else is true and points to reality, be it God, something he created, or will create. I also believe every evil, every sin, every lie that ever was, exists now, or will end in the lake of burning sulfur are what they are and had some one or some thing that originated them except the supposed existence of a primal nothingness; though I even believe the people who claim such a thing is true have been caused to believe that by some one or some thing that is, was or will be real, whether again or not, as if real. Even God's miracles did not come from nothing as is commonly believed by many unbelievers and believers alike. They came from the person of God and all three persons of God. If they were nothing, such things could not be, for though they were not and now they are, they at least began by the will of God, or one of the three persons of God.

Doubting is evil and leads to an entire litany of errors. It was invented by the Devil and led to the first lie, the beginning of all evil. Don't believe everything you see, sense with your human senses, or with your mind, or even think, and definitely of course not all you imagine, even when you do those things, let alone when someone else claims they have done them. But believe there is or was something real or allowed to be real for a while anyway behind everything in that list.

If it is not from God, it is evil. That much we know, but at the current moment, in real time, evil is very real and will continue to be real before at last it is no longer for ever and ever.

However, not every delusion came from a devil or a demon originally.

If you are moving around in your mind harmlessly daydreaming, entertaining yourself with your imagination, fantasizing, considering fanciful ideas, dreaming up characters, situations, themes and approaches, points of view, or characters and thinking you're just having fun by allowing or nearly allowing your emotions to get involved, almost involved or even deeply involved and letting yourself just wander, believing it is safe; think again. Thoughts are never nothing. You are doing something and anything you do has consequences, if nothing else, it reveals something to you about yourself, to God and those that can monitor your thoughts or realize what you are thinking from the least of expressions for they have been around so long they can do that with ease and monitored the words and actions of people like each of us for a very much longer time than needed to develop that skill. Expressions are an action. It is simply incredible and amazing what they can know about you. And remember if you imagine something that is real you are interacting with God and the reality he created either in a true way or in a false way whether in error, in ignorance, in innocence or by design whether your design or someone else'.

Thinking requires you go somewhere in your mind, the collective mind of humanity, the collective mind of the universe and finally the mind or God or even the Devil. Spiritually you go somewhere and you are there spiritually for the time in which you are there.

Are you lost? Can you ever get back where you started? Is there any way back? Is all there is to it simply to stop thinking that you have been thinking and return to real time, what so many call the real world or the here and now which it really is not as you will learn later? Even a child is known by what a child does and you have done something. What have you revealed? Things about yourself you are comfortable with knowing? Things that make you uncomfortable knowing about your mind? Things the Devil can guess about you? Things you are comfortable with? Things God has already known about you, that you may or may not have known before, that make you uncomfortable that you have ever revealed them even to him not to mention yourself?

What have you discovered on your journey? Things you found enjoyable, harmless, or meaningless, purposeless, outrageous, scary, frightful, terrible, horrendous, good or evil? Things you can handle? Things you cannot? Will you be able to never go back there? Will you be led by them to some more enjoyable end, some more loving place in your soul, spirit or mind? Will you be led to a place you have no choice but to go from now on? Will that place be evil and injurious or good, loving and sinless, or holy.

You know this entire idea is true for example, and realizing that, will you ever be the person you were, growing and healthy because of it, or trapped in a point of view that is new to you wherein you don't even know the rules for how to behave here to avoid further pitfalls.

Think enough and go enough places in your spirit, the thoughts and spirits of others, and you will eventually encounter evil. Can you handle it? Will it be irresistible to you though others might not find it that at all? And if so where did the idea come from? When anything is irresistible to you, have you not lost control? Who has control of you if you are not even in control of your thoughts? Are they good, even holy, or bad, injurious; evil?

Look what you have done! Being bored or complacent wasn't so bad to you as you thought it was now, was it? Will you ever be comfortable just letting your mind wander ever again? This is reality. Thoughts are either true, or untrue. Does God have control of your destiny? Does the Devil, evil or sin? You were wrong. Thinking is not completely harmless unless you love and trust with your entire being and remain under control. Are you good and not even ignorant, innocent or protected by God who is not even tempted with evil?

You have arrived. This is reality, either the reality God made or that he is temporarily allowing because it has the potential to be good or result in good sooner or later. Welcome. God loves you, yet. But now you have met reality by realizing this is real, you can only deny it, be confused by it, or reject it. But whatever you do, you cannot also think anything ever again without at least knowing this is real. Thinking is not doing nothing. But you cannot stop thinking. You cannot help thinking something. You my friend are real and your thoughts, regardless of what they are, they are also real.

Sin is at the door and desires to destroy you. You must handle it. And if you sin, even by murdering someone, you can still be forgiven by God and allowed to start all over fresh in reality. Will you ever learn to seek God, know only goodness, be loved, safe and no longer tempted by evil to the point you find it irresistible without remedy. Has this found you so late you no longer have the chance to recover this one last time of all the chances you have once had, or will you rebel against that and join in with evil and become at the mercy of the Devil who actually has none for you that is not subject to change when it suits his fancy like all his other attributes?

The choice is yours.

Decide wisely. Cry out to God! He still can love you, even if he does not at present. You have discovered where your thought life really exists. Like a little child now must choose, will you choose to be good, or will you choose to be bad? And if you choose to be bad, can you ask for forgiveness of God yet? Can you accept his chastisement, endure his punishment; the consequences of what you have done that was bad? You started out in innocence, then wandered in ignorance to this point, but now you are not ignorant any longer, knowing the truth and seeing where it leads; either to reality, or the irresistible fiction of the Devil. You can remain real believing the truth, or fall into the Devil's fiction, something not even he could keep from being destroyed by in his end, a far distant time in the future, you hope!

Follow me? Are you angry with me? You have just woke up. Take some time to get used to what you are now aware of. Give it a little time. Don't overreact to the light in the room so to speak though that analogy is more real than you might think. You just may wind up delighted with the rest of your life. Many are when they realize reality is real, or in other words finally become aware of reality around them being what it actually is and not necessarily what they want it to be or even can accept it being.

If you are unsaved, you are delusional, but at least you know what reality is now. You cannot change that on your own. Only God can change it. He made reality. He allowed you to be what you are with all of your delusions. Get real with him. Let him know you realize you cannot change who you are and what you have become since you first found any thought irresistible. Only he can change you, free you, allow you to die and become the hapless, hopeless, spirit you are to exchange it for a real, true thinking saint that accepts this new thing you have just realized quite readily.

You cannot be real without you allow him to cause you to be changed in your thoughts, feelings and actions from now on. Your spirit would have died and in a sense is therefore dead without his renewal, your own spiritual rebirth. Spiritually you must put yourself to death, and be reborn that you originally were intended to be even when you were a fetus in your mother's womb or when your potential to be that existed in God before you were even physically conceived.

Be thankful to God that you were not lost to masturbation and that potential to be that you were then was just wasted in sin before you were even physically conceived. Thank God you were not destroyed by some prophylactic and your potential wasted on a moment's pleasure by some contraceptive before sex that had the same effect or murdered by one afterward. Thank God you were not murdered by abortion. Thank God you survived to reached this point wherein you also became aware of reality to make this decision. But you have freewill even as your parents had freewill whether by what they tried or did not try, or worked at or did not work at according to the best of their abilities to decide whether to assist or resist even your physical birth.

You are not really a part of reality yet. But you know it is an option. You can miraculously be returned to what you were intended to be by God; reborn; or you can attempt to live with your delusions knowing they are delusions now for the rest of your physical life at which time you become the spirit that grew therein not unlike a seed in the earth that becomes a plant, a desirable plant or a weed that is of no use to anyone and must be destroyed for the good of the desirable plants. But you cannot go back to sinning in ignorance the same as you cannot go back to the innocence you lost once when you first sinned before allowing God to cause you to be reborn.

But being reborn is not all there is to it. If you never want to find yourself in this same position again, you must be saved from it for you will be, and you will be lost if you are merely reborn only to resist. It is possible to be reborn merely to be lost like a grain of wheat is stolen by the ravens the moment they are sown.

Ask God to save you. Believe that he will save you and give you the rebirth necessary to do it. And begin like every Christian ever born all over again, the miraculous process of becoming all that you can be in reality, free from your delusions forever as you struggle to complete your salvation under God's guidance.

Chapter 11: Delusional to the Deluded

If you are considered delusional even to the deluded unbelievers, how far gone are you? However, you must realize that is not possible even if you truly are delusional. It is merely another of their many inane delusions, if you are not so far gone you don't know what reality is any longer and cannot accept reality, the things God has made or that God is, which is just as real as what he has made, or will ever make, then are you not also dead to reality even as they are? Are you spiritually brain dead?

Even then there is still hope for you, for God can do anything and the prayers of others, especially the contrite lowly spirit of the saints may yet influence him to restore your thinking to you. There are medications that can help. There are therapies that can help you live physically even with your profound delusions. And they can give you time to change your mind about your delusions in the hope you will one day be able to get back in touch with less profound delusions they will gladly share with you or you may even follow my leading, the leading of the Spirit that led the one I once was that exists no longer and you may even choose to be real, saved, and reborn back into reality, a thing you may never have realized since you were so young there in the womb or even never had the chance to realize it having existed only potentially in God's will before you ever realized anything.

No one yet alive physically is beyond all hope, though some even God knows will never be real, never be reborn, and never be saved though he never gives up on them. Some are evil without remedy and are like zombies except they are extremely capable of the evil they are at all times, but in the similarity to being walking around brain dead they are akin to them fictional entities by their own choice or choices at one time or another. Some of us are even born purely to be hunted down and destroyed.

Therefore even if you believe you are wealthy when all of the evidence indicates you are not, you are not alone. For instance it is a common delusion among those that are considered delusional even by unbelievers in reality and God. You are not the first to have such a delusion and there are others that share that delusion right at this moment. But now you know reality exists, that all unbelievers of reality and God are delusional. Surely you can see the answer is to agree with God that you are delusional like they are and that nothing you believe is true even your delusion that you are wealthy. That too must be abandoned with the rest of your sin if you are to become real, reborn and saved like anyone else that desires to be real.

God understands you went to that place in your mind and found it so appealing you cannot resist holding onto that false belief, because it seems true to you and feeds your sinful soul in some way either by emotions or by an act of your will to pursue such false thinking, imaginations, ideas, concepts, erroneous reasoning and illogical conclusions in your search for personal significance. You have found the idea that you are rich irresistible, even as the Devil found the idea he could be like God one day irresistible. You have to lay that delusion down to ever be real and not have it overcome all of your thoughts, words, actions, even your physical body, and ultimately even your spirit.

It doesn't matter why it is irresistible to you. It is no more true than the idea there is not a God. And no one can be God but God, even Jesus Christ, the Lamb of God who also is God was God then was not but is now again for ever and ever after without end.

Isn't it something! God can even die! There is absolutely nothing God cannot do, and no length he will not go to in order to save you, even make everything all over new! Now that is love! He loves you even if you think you have special powers, talents or wealth; or anything else you think that exults yourself and not God; no matter where you have been in your mind and in spite of any imagining you may have done regardless of how irresistible it is to you, or how much you believe it.

However in a sense you are wealthy if you believe in reality and God, but no more wealthy than any saint or angel. It is just that you are not in control of your wealth. Your Father and God exists and he gives you precisely the wealth you enjoy in the here and now, in real time, at the moment he has chosen for you and it is far better than the wealth you think you have or the wealth you may have asked him for, because you can handle it and not be tempted to sin or waste it on evil. And it is the same with your physical and spiritual powers, talents and whatever else you think you have. All of that comes from God, and it is all available to him to be bestowed upon his children as he sees fit in a far better way than we could have known to even desire it in the first place.

No one whether human, demon or devil can control all your thoughts without becoming you in which case you have ceased to be or died and that human, demon, or devil has taken on a delusional life of its own in your place. They do not even desire to do that. They desire to negate your spirit, mind, emotions and even your will to the point you will allow it, that they may influence or even act and react with your world as through you; to take your place at present in earth among humans for the purposes that serve the Devil either by oppression, manipulating you to the point you lose control of your will to them and after that your mind and emotions to whatever extent they find it possible for their own uses, or by possessing your physical human body for the same purposes with the added benefit of even being able to animate your body, speak their words with your mouth and voice, and lead you to believe their thoughts are your thoughts to the extent they desire to do it, or to the full extent of their limited ability.

They are not without limit like God.

In fact one of the ways they do that is by finding someone that will believe they have the ability to do such a thing to them and that finds that idea irresistible to them. Had you believed they could not do such a thing they would continually have to deal with that belief, and would have had to overpower that belief in anything they attempted to do with you.

But God will not allow them to do things he will not allow to happen even then even in the case of an unbeliever.

They may even allow you to experience their talents and powers as if they were your own, like geniuses and people of renown that think they arrived at their own thoughts by themselves when such thoughts are not common to humans and such understanding is not available to humans except through devils and demons, and humans that have the demons that have been grown up in them.

Even the demons in people cannot possess two people at once. They must after possessing a person use manipulation and subliminal suggestions to others in order to get them to think, say and do what they want. And even when they possess a person they ordinarily trick them into agreeing with the possession in the hope they will then resist them less if at all. They love it when they convince someone it is for the best and they pray to God or even manipulate God by causing your own prayer by way of you, their host to persuade him to allow the possession.

However, if one knows God they will resist them and do good instead of evil as often as possible. They may even try to possess a believer, but they lose strength because of the believer's resistance and the believer becomes even physically weak to the point they are of no use to them because God is willing they even die physically rather than allow such a thing which would be so abhorrent to both him and them. It becomes frustrating for them and if the believer's resistance continues they will eventually give up. But even in the case of a believer it is possible to confuse that believer and trick him or her even into allowing a possession of their physical body if they are ignorant enough and do not depend on God enough. God may even turn them over to such a devil even the Devil himself for the purpose of destroying their physical body that their spirit may be saved even if it is a punishment that lasts the rest of the disobedient saints physical life on earth.

It is not then enough necessarily to be reborn, one must request salvation and work toward salvation, and be obedient to God to the point they do not suffer the ultimate punishment of a Christian, being turned over to the Devil that their physical body and physical spirit will be destroyed; though their holy spirit will be saved and they will be like God when they see him though far less valuable in heaven and even in the New Earth than they would have been had they had the sense to be obedient to their Father who is also their God in the beginning of their rebirth.

Many people, even some of them believers, are paranoid, meaning they are afraid devils and demons are after them when they are not. Several preachers I have heard preach make reference to the idea in their sermons and think it will help their flock resist the approach of evil. But that is to fight evil with evil. It never works for people who buy into it for they become fearful and cannot perfectly love God that he may use them and it winds up do the same work it would do had that preacher been a devil or some demon.

Devils and demons love to find people whether believers or unbelievers who are paranoid and fearful for no reason. They don't even have to scare them. They are afraid already though there isn't even a threat. Such preachers never learned that from God so where did it come from? If your preacher preaches such things, you might be safer in another church with a real member of the Church preaching in the pulpit. At least reproof your pastor when he preaches things that do not come from God, rebuke him for sinning or leave the church even, for many such preachers will not listen.

If they don't listen to God, why would they listen to you? Don't be afraid, or even worry. All things will work together for the good of those who love God. But that does not mean you should stay in a dangerous situation with such a preacher, preaching in your direction every time you hear him. If he or she believes that, doubtless he or she believes other evils, or soon will.

Do not just follow such a preacher, follow Christ who will not lead you places in your mind you ought not go. Pray for the preachers to turn away from the sins they are doing and that from the pulpit! At least find a way to either come alongside him or her, or approach some deacon or deaconess that agrees with you and will. The preacher's soul is in as much danger as any paranoid person is that he may have created to fear and not led into God's perfect love.

Another common delusion is that which occurs when people believe the Devil they are important enough for people to be referring to them when they are actually referring to something they have in their lives and they have not even considered them. Many people with delusions like that believe people are talking about them for they expect persecution for their beliefs, when people do not even consider their beliefs relevant, not to mention have any intention of persecuting them.

Real persecution seldom is that subtle. Persecutors ordinarily believe the people they are persecuting are so wrong in their beliefs they confront them personally, or even in a public forum. People that would persecute others are evil and are rarely shy about it, the act of persecution being the act of a bully and a coward, they are rarely brave enough to risk a conversation wherein they may be rebuked or even reproofed one on one in the presence of the one they disagree with and gossip is far more discreet than that they would dare get involved in. It is the act of a coward and always well covered up or done in the person's absence that they are gossiping about. Is that not why the person that is the object of gossip is always the last to know?

The problem then lies in the one that thinks such things. Why would you think such things if you had no sins to hide? And why hide them? Ask God to forgive them. Accept he has and start over. Otherwise will you not have to live in fear of being discovered, or that others already know? No talebearer gossips about positive things. Deal with your guilt. It is starting to eat at your soul. Such things can cause physiological changes that are not good for your physical body and even changes in your surroundings that are not desirable and some of them are not subject to changing back again. Would you destroy your own physical body! You may.

But why effect others' physical bodies that are innocent strangers even to your beliefs, even animals and plants can be effected by such things. Aren't you significant enough already? In my eyes you are. In the eyes of the Church, the body of the true saints, you are. In God's eyes you are. Even the angels take note of who and what you are. Why aren't you significant in your own eyes?

Stop exulting your own importance because you are feeling insignificant for no good reason, if any reason at all. Such is sinful and leads to evil, a far more destructive thing that will leave your world far more unpleasant than your feeling insignificant was to you to begin with. Seek out who you are in Christ, in your Father, in God and you will not have any reason to feel insignificant ever again. When you understand that you really are significant and abandon your delusion of that you are not in any way you will be able to live in the real world.

Chapter 12: God is No Hallucination

When God creates something that has not been before, like a brand new quarter, the quarter is real and perfect in every way and can even be used for legal tender. It has happened. When he changes the weather in answer to prayer, the weather has changed and cannot be altered. But when God removes an existing physical article it is not necessarily lost and can be restored any place he wants to restore it in and in any time period he chooses. In answer to prayer it may be restored from any place that exists, whether in time or in space, heaven or earth, or whatever other place there may be that he chooses to put it even if it exists only in his memory. These are not hallucinations but miracles, and they happen more often than unbelievers think though they have been known to occur not only in the presence of unbelievers but when unbelievers aren't aware or sure he is even there or believe he does such things.

They are proof of God for no other entity can do that, they can only move things around, hide them or effect the perceptions of people in the hope of making it appear they have performed a miracle; false miracles that are no more than sophisticated magician's tricks done in a very sophistical way by devils and demons wanting to pass themselves off as God or as if they had Godlike powers. But they are very careful with that, for the common belief that only God can do such things leads people to believe God not only has done them, but that he exists and therefore is very powerful and should be feared and obeyed; the last thing evil of any kind desires to promote.

God is invisible. He is invisible even to the angels, devils, demons and spirits. He is invisible at all times, in all places, both physically and spiritually unless he chooses to reveal himself with words that may be heard and sensations even in the physical body that may be felt and don't forget real perceptions in the brain. It is impossible to have a hallucination that cannot be sensed in any way, or that is merely known to be there. That is not a hallucination. It is a correct knowledge of God. It is not a correct knowledge of any other being, god or otherwise. It is completely different from the knowledge of invisible angels, devils or demons that God shares with us. That is a correct perception of them. But it may be known by knowledge common to humanity in the ordinary way humans pay attention to anything unseen; things such as even thoughts, ideas, concepts and spirits before they appear to their sense or after they have stopped appearing to their senses or are ignored or distracted from their senses in such a way humans do not know any longer they are even there, or correctly know they are there like when they turn away from some other human and yet remain correctly sure they are there for they have remained where they were.

Angels, devils, demons and even spirits are not always invisible; even the angel of the LORD that is not one angel but three, though any combination thereof or any singularity may be seen or heard if God so chooses to reveal himself as he is in his angelic form. But he is not just an angel only even then for he is God, even as he was when he was on earth, the one we know as Jesus the Christ, in every way a man but God in the same manifestation. He was physically here among us as well as spiritually just as truly with us in the same place at the same time. When they saw Jesus the Nazarene born in Bethlehem they saw God in the same perception they had of Jesus Christ who lived among us, was crucified, died and was not, then rose from the dead and still is to this very time with God not just in heaven but where God is, has always been and will forever be the only one there. Even magicians can choose to fool the senses into believing they are not there or that they are somewhere other than where they are. But are they hallucinations too? Certainly not.

The Holy Spirit, the Spirit of God, cannot be sensed. He must do something to you physically, spiritually or both to be known and only then when one is paying attention to him and correctly interpreting that which he does as proof he is there, for how can the spirit of an imperceptible being be seen for what it is. But he can be known. When there is no one around that may be sensed and there is no activity that can be sensed as peculiar to him, he is there for God is there. You are not ever alone. There are always three people with you at any time; God; and the Spirit is one of those persons.

If you ask him to affect your physical body, the air around you, the electricity in the air, or even cause you to see something, he may of course do that and thus he may be known by what he does. No one has ever actually sensed the Holy Spirit with any of their senses, but many have interacted with him, me included. I have even allowed him to effect my sense of hearing to the point he has spoken words I understood directly to me. I have also trusted him enough to allow him to think things using my brain and it seemed I was thinking the thoughts, but they were thoughts I had no understanding of and upon occasion things I had never considered and didn't have any idea they had ever existed in order that they might be considered. He still inspires my thoughts, words, spoken or written, but most often my understanding. In the past he has given me illuminations, complete explanations or understanding of things I had not ever encountered before in my knowing. He has even given me the things of God; rest, peace, energy, love, gentleness, compassion, the list goes on and on. He has also taken away worry, anxiety, fear, pain, itching, muscle tension, tinnitus, migraine sensations, again the list goes on and on.

He has even spoken through me to others and helped me write things like my Christian testimony. He has given me a name, Friend. I call him Holy Friend. We are very close and I love him dearly. He has encouraged me, corrected me, corrected my human mistakes, helped me deal with emotional reactions to things I might not have been able to accept without his help, he is a tremendous help.

But unfortunately I do know what I would do without him also. I do not want to go back to living that way even for an instant. May he always be with me, in me and upon me for ever and ever. Amen.

I praise him! Whether I can do that in him or not, I don't know. But I praise him with all my being and all my strength. No one ever had such a Helper that did not have him. He is the greatest thing a God could ever be. It is my desire that everyone know him for the rest of their existence, for ever and ever. Spirit, I love you! You are real, as real as anything God ever created though you were never created by him for you have always comprised him, comprise him now and will for ever and ever without end. The only way I can think of to lose you would be to blaspheme you while in you, or outside you at which time I would hope you send me to instant oblivion never to even know I had done such a thing even on purpose let alone by accident. It would destroy me completely. And in that fear I live at all times. Thank you so much for being but not just for being either, but for being holy. Amen.

Chapter 13: Uncommon Hallucinations

Tasting seems to be a combination of feeling textures in the mouth and smelling them at the same time, but they are blended into one sense like Almighty God, the Holy Spirit and the Son of God, Jesus Christ, the Lamb of God, the name I call him though no man but him knows his final name except him, all are blended into one God, Holy God. Anything that has only texture is tasted in the sense it effects the mouth, the same as that with no texture that is only smelled effects the mouth in some way. They are separate but both present even when one is not being noticed and the other is impossible to be noticed in that case. How very much like God they are except they are only two though actually they are three for both texture and smell depend on touch. Let us always taste God as I hope you have to some extent during this writing. Holy God may they taste you even now as they read this prayer? Amen.

It is possible to completely ignore the taste of anything, but something is always present in the mouth to be tasted any time we choose to pay attention to it. It is the same with the ever present God, he is always there for us to pay attention to at any given moment, just like the taste of what is falsely perceived by the imagination as if it were an empty mouth. There is always something being tasted by us, and God is always there with us to be sensed by what he is doing, all we have to do to access either one is pay attention to that particular one. Thank Holy Friend for that insight. Amen.

It is possible of course to smell something others do not smell. Is that a hallucination? Something they missed? Like a slight regurgitation is tasted in the mouth though no one else knows the tasting is even going on? If God caused a taste to suddenly be in your mouth, it would be a miracle and not a hallucination. Why couldn't people then smell something sent by him to smell, some odor with no corresponding odoriferous item apparently present to cause the sense of smell to be activated?

Even some memories produce smells and activate the sense of smell though there is nothing physical to be smelled. Besides spirits may produce smells seemingly with nothing else present and of course the delusional don't believe in spirits so they erroneously claim something else is present or the one perceiving such things are hallucinating. Some people continually smell things others around them do not smell or do not smell anything unusual at all; there is always something around to be smelled however.

Some Christians claim to be able to smell sin. Does that mean they are hallucinating, when often no one else smells what they smell and they do not seem to have anything other than a normal ability to smell odors like virtually everyone else? The phenomenon may be a special sensory gift and not a problem with hallucinations that cannot actually exist.

It may even be possible they are spiritually smelling the manger where Jesus was born when they think they are smelling a farm, or the orchard depicted in the Song of Solomon when they smell fresh fruit of some kind they can't quite identify. It may be a problem staying in the here and now or in the current place altogether in their spirit that their physical bodies are in at that time. It does not have to originate in the mind, but even if it does is it any less real than any other part of the human experience?

But since it can be annoying to both the one sensing the smells as well as the ones they complain to about them, or mention them to, an anti-hallucinogenic drug may ease the discomfort for both the one that smells such things, and the ones that put up with the peculiar conversation produced by the phenomenon.

A truly loving person may choose instead not to take such drugs that deaden the sensory experience, but they should teach themselves or seek help from God not to complain about the odors they smell if it distracts saints from their principal purpose here on earth which is to be as good a servant of God as they can be or by distracting them from the things they need to pay more attention to, that comes from God to someone they have the opportunity to just be with, in the love God had intended them to share instead of the irritant they bring to the fore instead with their peculiar gift.

It is not the smelling of such things, but the level to which they impair a job well done by distracting the servant of God that should be most considered in the decision to take such drugs. It is best to pray about it and see what God thinks about it. Then obey him. You might even begin a journey to the spiritual place in your spiritual growth wherein you will understand the phenomenon far better than anyone else and can accept a healing or removal of whatever is causing it or did cause it originally and be able to pray for others who have been so affected by that which had first become your problem. It is not a sin or necessarily even evil, but to allow it to destroy your testimony or impair your ability or opportunity to love others may be that, or at least lead to it.

People feel things when there seems to be nothing there to produce the feeling. It is usually dismissed by me to be some minute insect even in the house, some speck of dust in the air, a hair or just some unexplained spiritual phenomenon. I find it unnecessary to trace down the cause. I have very sensitive skin and react to many allergens in the air, dust, smoke, dry skin, or diseases like toenail fungus and others. My particular difficulty seems to be the presence of dust in the air that causes me to itch. I know from my experience with sharing this physical body with the spirit of a deceased human, a dead spirit, and the causative evil angel that duped us into that situation that spirits can touch a person sometimes either under the guise of being a deceased family member or as in my case the ghost of a deceased family member actually clunking me on the head like he used to when alive and well.

I solved the problem spiritually with God's help long before it got to the point I needed to take a medication to assist me with the problem, or even knew there was a medication that may have helped back in the day. Medication does seem to help in cases where it is bothersome to psychiatric patients, but it does not encourage interaction with God, or actually solve the problem merely rendering it less disturbing or to reduce it to the point it never happens again or may be easily ignored. Not entertaining the spiritual problem in which it arose or no longer paying attention to the spirits doing it helped most, but it was a genuine treat to deal with such things even when I was, being then neither in oblivion or saved at the time. The presence of such spirits is an indication something is going on spiritually that shouldn't be going on. Get to work on the problem with God. Get your mind off the spirits. Pay attention to only God or specifically to God alone.

One of the most difficult lessons for me to learn by my experiences was that it is not important to fix spiritual problems with anyone else whether physical or spiritual. But if you fix what's wrong in your relationship with God you won't be paying attention to evil, much less evil spirits of any kind. And when you must God will be your immediate advocate and in a very good place in your relationship to take care of the problem, for the more you obey God, the more you come to trust him and if you trust him, the more you will love him. Then even when evil comes around you will already know how to handle it, or who to have handle it for you. You may even be so distracted by God you do not even realize the evil is there that you might pay attention to it, let alone entertain it, or even sin in reaction to it.

When evil is perceived around you in your life immediately distract yourself with God. Most evil has so many to prey on it will probably just move on, the more distracted with God you become. Even just sitting quietly, paying attention to God, and thinking about him helps. The other thing that helps is to do something for God, something spontaneous, anything you know he would have you do or that he would like.

If that doesn't work, try thinking of a hymn or spiritual song, and remember at any time you can jump to the ultimate one and start praising God. Praise him for what he has done in your life, the blessings he has bestowed on friends, family and acquaintances, or even strangers you have just heard about or prayed for even, or just think about who and what he is and how much you love him and why. But again if you are not spending time with God and have drifted into the sin yourself and your heart is completely into that, it might not work and you will find yourself in a sinful mess or asking him to forgive you for giving in to sin. Reality can be dangerous, even with God's help and your complete reliance on him.

This is your job description: Be holy for I am holy. Remember that one. If you stop paying attention to God for any reason, it won't be long until you are drifting into sin, and you may even get so far in you suffer physical injury because of it, or even spiritual injury. The worse case scenario is not that he might just take you home remember, but rather that he might turn you over to the Devil that your body might die that your spirit will be saved. But it is all needless. Keep God in mind all day long.

Even pray he will teach you something, give you something, or watch over you while you are sleeping. Sleeping is doing something too. There can be consequences even to sleeping in dreamless sleep not to mention dreaming. I used to before I was saved find myself deep in an irresistible spiritual situation in the middle of night, night after night. If you were to pay as much attention as I do to God even your dreams will find you eschewing sin in them, no matter how weird they get. I pray that you will always pay attention to God and that I may do the same, not as much as possible but all the time, all day long and even when I sleep, be it night or day. Amen.

Chapter 14: Eyes are Dangerous

The most dangerous sense we use is sight. It is the one most people depend upon the most. But it is the one entire sense Jesus insinuated we might be best off without, "If your eye offends you pluck it out and cast from you, for it is better that you have only one eye than to be cast into hell with two. And if your eye is evil how great is that darkness?" The eye and the mind, the very things we depend on most are not only closely related, but also the very things that could cause us to be cast into hell.

Even when our body tries to rest we see images and call them dreams. We imagine things in a preoccupation while awake and see images we call daydreams. We picture things in our mind to help us to understand them and to make plans that are successful, and we call them success images or dreams and mean something more like a vision of what we intend to do. We picture things in our minds that trouble or delight us whether awake or asleep. We see visions, when we prophesy, we see visions of ominous things we want to avoid, and we even see visions of good and evil things and explore them without being fully in control of that we are doing. We use our eyes to navigate, to locate things, to judge where we are in the physical world and to manage time, and sometimes to help us understand some spiritual matter, we judge our food's freshness with our eyes, even the quality of the air around us. We do so many things with our eyes it seems there is no end to the list of things for which we use our sight. In fact we very nearly ignore our other senses by comparison to how over preoccupied we are with seeing. Thus God and Devil vie for what we see.

Adam was naked by himself in Eden and there is no indication he sinned or was even inclined to sin. Eve joined him and they were both naked, but again there is no indication they were even interested in sinning. But when Eve saw the fruit was pleasing to the eye she was doomed to eat it, for her appetite was whetted. She probably didn't have any idea what she would stand to learn by eating it except that it might make her wise like God. She probably wasn't hungry. It was a paradise filled with fruit trees. How hungry could she have been? But she noticed it was beautiful and it was all over. She was tempted. The idea it might make her wise was more an excuse than a desire. She was hooked. Then she gave some to Adam. It was no longer a matter of appetite. It was a matter of obeying or disobeying God.

When Adam disobeyed God Eve was suddenly convicted too. And they realized they were naked. Then they tried to cover up their nakedness and even forgot about their disobedience or dying and hid. As far as we know the two of them never sinned again. They were a couple. It was intended they procreate.

Deceiving someone was the first sin in the Bible. Disobedience to God the second. And murder the third sin is mentioned, but being naked within a couple is not sin. The next sin mentioned in the Bible was whatever the men Joseph told on were doing in the field, but it was so minor it didn't even deserve an explanation.

The next time anything like sin is really even mentioned therefore is when Joseph became a talebearer and told Jacob what he saw his brothers doing, the first time a pair of eyes caused someone to sin? Nope, but it was the beginning of his unpopularity you can bet on that. He didn't even bear false witness, but the trouble that poor lad got into though he never sinned as far as we know even when deceiving his brothers.

Even had Jesus seen something he shouldn't he would have had trouble? But he did. He saw nothing here almost that was not sinful and he bore witness to it. They crucified him for it. Even Jesus' eyes got him, God into trouble! Dying was just the beginning of it. Three days in hell for God! That is no minor trouble and no minor warning. Even sinless God went through hell on earth and three days of actual hell simply because he saw things even though he never once sinned not even in hell. Don't ever underestimate the trouble your eyes can get you into.

There was no other way to do it even for God himself and even though he forgave everything he saw. It was his eyes! His sense of sight! His sinless discerning eyes! The eyes of holy God! He went to hell to pay for what we did. He saw it all and he loved us so much he became sin for us. The price is paid in full. He never left one sin unpaid for, and that for everyone that ever sinned from Adam to him who never sinned and on to the last man to ever sin. Could it be even the earthbound Devil's sins too were paid in full also? It could have been probably had the Devil been able to accept the payment, which he never did the same as so very many besides him did not.

Can you imagine the trouble one could get into if one was actually capable of hallucinating! There is no such thing, never was and never will be. The eyes see what they see and the mind interprets them. Anything else would render every witness ever born a liar, even Jesus Christ, God himself in the flesh! How much sin was he willing to pay for? All of it! All of yours and mine and everybody else'! What a man! And what a God! What a God we have Jesus of Nazareth, Jesus Christ; God! Praise God. All the glory is his for ever and ever without any end to it!

My eyes have seen very few things that were real. It has been all sin very nearly in my time. My face in the mirror bears its scars on my countenance, and that is just the ones that effected my physical body. It is so much so that I cannot actually see my own face therein or even its reflection. I cannot bear being reminded of what I did to him, what he paid for that I did, what I did, the things I said, the thoughts I had, the things I imagined but the sins I committed against him, myself, my family members, my parents, my grandparents, everyone I ever met, my friends, the saints John, and Paul, the patriarchs, the forgiven people of the Old and New Testament, in the Spirit, against the Spirit, Almighty God, and Jesus Christ the soon coming Lamb of God; God! So I look at the attributes I yet most prefer to look at and leave the entire picture unseen to also leave with a false image of my actual countenance.

How can I ever sin again and not want to die that I might be unable to ever do it again? And every error, every sin, every evil deed, word, thought or imagining, he paid for it entirely. How can I or you ever be anything less than humble after realizing that? It is inconceivable.

But there is still a chance it will happen and I will have to be forgiven before I see him and am like him, holy, sinless, incorruptible, loving, kind, faithful, perfect, real, truthful, patient, compassionate, glorious, triumphant, amazing, great beyond any measure, peaceable, peaceful, gentle, powerful, praiseworthy, excellent, brotherly, omnipotent, omniscient, good, loyal beyond anything comprehensible, regal, kingly, lordly, Godly, teacher, preacher, advocate, priestly, unselfish, selfless, generous, intelligent, wise, prudent, righteous, loving the one I prefer most and the rest of what he is for ever and ever without any end to it, so many things who could possibly list them all and so much more we have forever to just begin to know his character in its entirety.

Chapter 15: Hallucinations

People see things no one else sees. No two people interpret what they see in precisely the same manner. Eyewitnesses to a crime or a car accident often disagree about what they have seen because they tend to see only part of it and that is merely what they can't ignore only. The less calm the witness, it is believed the more unreliable their testimony. When witnesses are moved by great emotion, even fear, anger or great sorrow they are seen as less reliable. People under stress begin to give erratic accounts of what is going on around them. But the state of mind of a witness is not less reliable it simply points to where they are emotionally and spiritually more than that physical place the unbelievers love so much, a place they cannot even know because of their unbelief in the rest of reality, the entire human experience as it is involved with reality and the God that is just as real.

For example a witness that did not believe cars even existed would hardly be a reliable witness to a drive by shooting, or a hit and run accident. The testimony of unbelievers in reality and the God that made it can hardly be considered reliable witnesses about anything. It is like putting a person that believed they are a dogwood tree on the stand.

What could they testify to that was even related to the truth of a knifing even if it took place right in front of the dogwood tree they thought they were, in broad daylight from just a few feet away, or even as such a person thought they stood beneath its boughs arguing about adultery. The point is that unbelievers think they run the world when they are incapable of such things without a lot of intervention on the part of God and they reject the true testimony of things they have no ideas or cares about. But the more skeptical they are about such things the more trusted they are among them and they make them their judges, jurors, witnesses and even rulers.

When someone sees something like a wolf in their living room they say that person is having a hallucination when actually they saw what they saw, whether a wolf or something else and their mind interpreted it as a wolf.

For example when I was young I saw the face of the Devil, a hideous, horrible thing that was more reptilian than humanoid, hissing and drooling as large as life, glowing in the dark. I began to bawl and scream waking the entire household. It persisted even when my mother came in to comfort me and turned on the light. I couldn't believe she couldn't see it and that no one else could see it. I saw him out in the yard on the lawn another time, and his face loomed before me right in front of my friends another time when we had been tormenting a frog. He is the most hideously alien thing I have ever seen. But no one else in my presence when he revealed himself to me even saw him.

Is my testimony invalid because there were no corroborating witnesses? Was I hallucinating? He is as real to me as Jesus Christ, my Father and God, Almighty God, and Holy Friend, the Holy Spirit, their angel, another angel or them. God doubtlessly saw him. Jesus doubtlessly saw him. And Holy Friend doubtlessly saw him and many others may have seen him there on all or some of those occasions. But they would not accept their testimony even if they were to testify on my behalf, yet hardly anyone I have ever told about it ever believed me.

Do you? Are those who testify to the tiny little moment they can merely unreliably testify to that is called real time, the here and now, at the moment, and a few other things, but choose to ignore the bigger picture; even capable of being for real?

It would be like someone from Turtle River where I live, believing it was raining everywhere on earth, for it is here right at this moment in time, in the here and now, in real time. Such a witness would be seen as extremely unreliable, whether they said it was raining nowhere else or not afterward. Regardless of their opinion concerning the matter they would seem ridiculous even to those who also believe in the here and now, in real time, right at the moment, at this point in time but also consider the rest of earth, if not the rest of reality is true as in the case of a saint, an angel, and God. And they wonder why they have to keep changing their theories every time someone comes up with a new theory because something far greater than they ever thought before is revealed to them and among them is the scientific witness, that very narrow view of reality seen as the most reliably witnessed view of reality that ever could be though what they take into account is such a tiny part it is very nearly nonexistent with comparison to what really exists.

Do you know what the scientific view of reality is? They believe that everything is actually invisible for example. Colors, even some textures and shapes do not really exist. Our senses are flawed they say and not reliable enough to judge what they even look like in the here and now, a moment in time that still eludes their ability to measure it. It is ridiculous to even think that way and then not much more than the workings of demented minds ever chasing the nonexistent basis of their delusions that seem so real, don't they!

That is if they still theorize it that way at all any longer. They have to change their theories so often it is very, very difficult to keep up with their latest nonsense, just like a liar changes their story so many times they eventually destroy all their credibility entirely. Yet people with a thought disorder are told the distressing news their senses cannot be trusted and that even what they see is not what they see! Them bastards! Don't believe them for a moment. It would be funny, but it's not. People tend to buy into that silliness so easily it is absolutely amazing.

The truth is. God is real. Everything he ever made is real. Everything else is merely permitted to exist until it can be correctly revealed for what it really was, an illusion and a liars prop. We cannot see God; even the Spirit with even spiritual eyes. We cannot even see anything God made even spiritually.

That it appears to be with our senses is not what it really is. It is merely what we perceive it to be. Our senses allow us to trick our minds from knowing what the true nature of God and everything he made, is. To even think about what we see is folly, to picture it in our mind's eye is outright foolishness, and to claim what we see is true is false testimony. Unless we are thinking that it is what I think I saw, that it is how I picture it in my mind, that it is what I see with my vision. The rest of it was false.

We are like the legally blind that can only see some light, trying to tell the world there is nothing in it but a faint light. Such things are ridiculous. It is all very unimportant what we see, hear, taste, smell or touch. What is really important is reality, God, Jesus, Almighty God, and Holy Friend being all there, that they are to reality as created by God and rest truly our personal reaction to it and what we believe about it. Anything else is irrelevant or utterly false.

We are what we are, whether just allowed to be for the moment or real and that depends on the one that created us or allows us be for the time being. God is, has always been and will be for ever and ever. There is no way to understand or comprehend what God is comprised by, but it is apprehensively a thing our minds can work with though we cannot grasp it within our thoughts. Everything that was before the beginning was what it was; God.

It is vain to assume we can know it for it is not knowable by us for it can only be described as formless, empty and void the environment of God, perhaps best compared to a microbe in the Pacific Ocean from the viewpoint of that microbe suspended in the middle of it, half way between the surface and the bottom of the water.

What is there is real and the microbe is real. It does not know anything. It eats, it moves about, it reproduces itself, it eventually dies, and the next generation of microbes that were reproduced live on oblivious to their existence, the existence of each other and even the past existence of their parent, and all future generations that will exist. It is only important that the microbe exists, is real, and ceases to be after existing some short period of time.

That beyond it cannot be communicated to it, that it is cannot be known by it, but it does exist. The dark ocean waters around it exists, the surface of the ocean exists, Steven Hawking exists and can grasp all that the microbe is, will be and then never will be again. With his great intellect he knows about things like existence and not existing. He knows that nothing cannot exist, but his theories indicate it must have existed in the beginning. He also knows that which is nothing to him is as unknowable and as impossible to work with given the limitations of thinking to deal with it even given the tools he or someone else has invented for him to assist him in knowing more than was possible for him on his own and even the most basic of the things he knows are as far beyond the microbe as God is beyond Stephen though he may or may not believe God can and does create things out of that the theorist thinks is nothing even in his mind, or that God can and does work miracles in other words.

But miracles do occur. There is no science that can do such a thing and there is no way to theorize such things many even in fact occur. Everything the mind of a human that is an unbeliever may know by reason alone indicates miracles are impossible.

But the impossible occurs all the time. People even see things if the scientists are correct that have no corresponding existing thing to be seen. It is impossible they could exist. But Stephen Hawking is impossible to our microbe's mind. But it is not only possible Stephen Hawking knows all about the microbe, he could even take it out of its place and put it in a test tube in some lab and personally know everything there is to know about it, using human reasoning. That beyond human reasoning is as much more advanced to us as Stephen Hawking's relatively advanced being is to the microbe I mentioned.

Should the theorist believe miracles do exist relative to what we may know much less find accessible using mere reasoning he would have to accept an entirely new view of everything he ever thought perhaps; even as any believer must when it becomes a believer. But if he will not for he is limited even as the microbe is stuck with no way to determine his purpose or significance and is reduced to just existing the best he can, precisely like the microbe and for all his intellect there is no more reason for Stephen to exist than the microbe; reasoning cannot determine such things for they are irrelevant to doubters' reasoning.

Then there is that we know. There is that we may know. There is that we may know using our reasoning. There is that we may know using our emotions. And that we may know by choosing to use our reasoning and emotions. In other words there is that we may know using our entire person and not just our reasoning. But there may be that we will never know, do not now know and never forgot we ever knew. That does not mean there is nothing out there beyond even that which exists. It may even know we are here in much the same way we know a microbe in its entirety is. And again what is true of us in relation to it, may be true of it in relation to something that much more advanced than it is ever increasing in advancement beyond all of us including God put together potentially without limit.

God is three persons in one person. Does that mean God disassociated at some point and developed three existing persons in his one person, a sort of multiple personality split not unlike a person with multiple personalities that has more than one personality in their psychological make up for instance? Each person of God indeed have their own personality and point of view, some even think they have separate functions.

For example Almighty God might tell someone to quit smoking while the Holy Spirit says he will not, and Jesus may not have an opinion knowing it will make little difference given the fact that person does not have long to live and it will merely limit the short time that person has left to live. All three are right and all three are loving and though they all seem to have different opinions, they are all acting in the character of God who holds all three opinions at once without any contradiction whatsoever.

Almighty God is right in being good and loving in his commandment. The Holy Spirit is right that person will not stop smoking. And Jesus is right and loving in his opinion also. But God is right and loving in holding all three views at the same time. All three acting separately with separate points of view comprising their complete point of view in the person of God that must decide to permit the disobedience to the commandment given by Almighty God and allow the temporary life of the smoker that does not quit smoking though he does not want to disobey Almighty God, or make the Holy Spirit out to be a liar or accept Jesus' ambivalence, or even God's ultimate decision to allow him to live as long as he will put up with his smoking. And the matter is closed with everyone knowing what is going on and all things working together even the smoker who is not sinning just to smoke especially when it either doesn't affect the outcome or it does but only in the preferences of the people the smoker may come in contact with. It is then up to the smoker to be unrighteous whatever he does, his problem to begin with a problem that mysteriously though explained later bring glory to God.

Chapter 16: Highs and Lows

Some people get so happy and excited they can barely stand it themselves let alone other people being able to stand it. They seem to think they are the star; the mover and shaker of all reality. But it is unrealistic. They don't seem to be right with God, but they just don't care. They are who they are and they are feeling better than they ever imagined was possible and that is all that matters to them. Even some young Christians react with such abandon to who God is and how he is working in their lives. They think everybody loves them and they are so full of happiness they may even feel like they love everybody else but it is just a feeling. Actually they feel so good they are out of control, they have no intention of controlling themselves and even God doesn't seem to be able to control them even if they would settle down enough for a moment to ask him to, or in order to receive it should he be answering someone else' prayer to help them ease back down out of it.

They sometimes feel like they have a brilliant plan, sometimes even a plan they think should be followed it is so brilliant. They get irritated with God when he is unimpressed with their idea. They get irritated with other people who say anything to indicate they are doubting anything in the plan, even if they are sold on the idea and are just trying to make it a bit more realistic. They are so sure of themselves they do things to indicate their belief in themselves alone. They become disruptive or sure of themselves beyond their abilities. They may have an idea for a revival and contact a major revival ministry for instance sure they will take on their entire concept. And when they don't, they think the entire ministry is just a bunch of idiots or they are not in touch with God.

They are so excited they can't sleep for days or sleep very little; maybe a couple of hours in any 24 hour day. They have so many great ideas they want to share them and they completely dominate conversations. They are so distracted by every little thing they have difficulty concentrating on any conversation, or even a sermon or some devotional.

Sometimes they work ceaselessly for hours and keep it up for days at a time with little or no time off not to mention sleep. They are so full of energy they do every chore they can think of, and even the chores of other people; even their neighbors' chores and seem to never tire. But they lose their judgment and do dangerous things, even sinful things they thought they would never do that are very dangerous and that nobody else thought they would do either. It is like they have chosen the recipe for disaster and they are hellbent to cook up a batch no matter what anyone, even God thinks. And they are unreasonable about it believing nothing bad can ever happen to them. And even if they get into trouble they feel the same way in confinement.

There is nothing holy in it.

Bad judgment we don't need to discuss. We all make mistakes. Sometimes we even make them on purpose, or at least it seems that way. Sometimes it seemed so right at the time to them, doesn't it though!

But there are always consequences. Some times we can just ask for forgiveness from God and others; and that is all there is to it. But some times people aren't as willing to forgive us as God is; some times they won't forgive for a very long time, if ever. It can ruin friendships, destroy marriages, even ruin one's relationship with God to the point they no longer think they love him, or even can ever love him again. But sometimes even when God forgives them he chastises them or even punishes them. How else can we learn? Even then however some people don't seem to learn. They are alright for a while, some times a long while and then it happens again.

There are no medications that cure bad judgment. It winds up being you and God and how much you value each other, and you and those who care about you and how much they can tolerate you as opposed to how much they value your relationship and or each other. Sooner or later you have to start over or just keep on with what you are doing until you die.

There are medications that can help you with being too active and eventually you will have to tire out and your system will run down. Medications can help you pay attention and keep your mind on the matter at hand. They even have medications that help slow down your thinking to a manageable level. And of course there are sleeping pills. They have medications that will slow you down if you can tolerate enough of them to get the job done.

But they don't have any drugs to cure public disgrace, stigma, embarrassment and guilt. All that is a logical consequence to living out of control in a hapless, loveless, manner. Is it any wonder they slip into depression when what they should be doing is everything they can to repair the damage they have done to their lives and the lives of others.

They become sad. It effects the way they eat as they either start eating way too much or even almost nothing. They can either sleep what seems all the time or not enough. They begin to have difficulty with their energy levels, feeling tired and low on energy. They feel they are helpless, have feelings of hopelessness and that they are worthless. They even begin to feel guilty for things that have nothing to do with them, what they've done, or what they have not done.

They may even begin to think about killing themselves or committing spiritual suicide feeling God and others would be better off without them. They can't seem to decide anything or it takes much longer than it should even concerning unimportant things. And they can't concentrate. They are more than just a little depressed they are in despair.

But everyone knows that is when God can and will help if they pray and work with him, and slowly if that's what's needed they will feel better. But they have to get real with God, go to him and honestly seek the truth, accept it and obey him. He can have them loving again and being loved. God will not despise you when you are down. He will help you. What choice do you have really? But if you and he can't shake it after six months or so, there are medications that can help that too, therapy situations that can help you, and even just places to hang out and be around people until you get yourself, or allow God to get yourself, back on track.

If it gets bad enough you could start hearing negative voices or having hallucinations, having delusions, and trouble communicating or understanding yourself, the things you started to think only to lose the idea altogether in confusion. Sometimes it happens again, and for some people it becomes an alternating thing between feeling on top of a mountain to feeling in a deep dark hole; but not all get depressed for long.

People do recover with medication and God. Sometimes even without medication in the end of it, if it ends. But it is no time to abandon God. Never give up on God. Just keep coming back. Keep looking for Jesus to be there in the end of it. Nobody can be like that in heaven. But I say that, not to exclude you, but to encourage you. When you believe in God and enlist his aid, and he saves you he will be there when your salvation is complete and you will be like him when you see him. Praise the Lord!

Some people only experience the lows and not the highs at all. They go away for a time but they always seem to come back. It seems an endless fight. Some people however recover when they get saved. However some people wrestle with it the rest of their lives. Medications help and they are available when you seek help. But you have to seek help or give into God to get the help you need even to do that. He will never stop helping you, but there are things you can do that will help. Therapists can help and therapies have been known to make a big difference. Just never dare to give up on Jesus. Just keep coming back as many times as you need him. He cares even when you don't and even if you doubt that he does.

PART III

Getting to Know Jesus Christ

Chapter 1: Destroyer of Sin

"...and he had a name that no man knew, but he himself." Rev 19:12b KJV, is the same one in Gen 3:15 KJV, "And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your seed and her seed; it shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel."

His identity was unknown to Adam, Eve, and the serpent whom God was speaking to and his name is so sacred that no human but himself knows it until he leads the saints against the Devil in heaven in the war there beginning the last of the last times for the Devil that finally is cast to earth and becomes earthbound until his fatal last stand at Armageddon.

But who is this one whose final name and identity was not known even at the time of the Devil's fall from heaven? Who among humanity can blaspheme a name they don't even know? Who among the descendants of Adam and Eve could blaspheme the one whose identity was not even known to them? And who apparently they hadn't even known existed before they heard he was coming to have victory over even the Devil, himself and was chosen by God way back in the Garden of Eden even in their innocence.

He is who he is, the one we call Jesus?

He led the saints of heaven into war with the Devil in Heaven. And in that name no man but him knew they emerged victorious and there was no place found in Heaven for the Devil for they did not love their lives so much they were not willing to die. What could have inspired that kind of faith in their commander? Who in Heaven could have that much faith among the saints; those beheaded on earth for refusing to deny the name of Jesus Christ?

We who loved our spiritual life so much we were willing to put up with the Devil even in heaven were counted as agents of the enemy, for in us was found fear and not perfect love. We who loved our physical life so much we were not willing to be beheaded because of our fear of physical death were forced to join the enemy for there was no love for the saints found in us. We will not be forgiven and will go to the lake of burning sulfur with the enemy of our soul, the Devil. Those of us who did not believe he is God, those of us who did not believe he was a man, those of us who did not believe he was to come, came and descended to Hell to pay for our crimes or sins are still in their guilt and of the Devil's camp, those of us that do not believe in sin though they know good and that evil is of the Devil and deceived and serve him continually, those of us that do not believe in spirits though they are spirits are of the Devil, those of us who denied Jesus in any way are of the Devil believing he is not God, has no Spirit, or even a Father that we should obey him are of the Devil, and those who didn't care or thought the problem was someone else' problem are of the Devil and any that believe any lie or live with any fear other than the fear of God are of the Devil. Are we not all dead like our father the Devil, who are like that?

For example: The first human was a male and the first woman was a female; they did not even deserve names. Then the first human was called Man and he called the first female Woman when she was brought to him. But after they sinned Man was called Adam which means Man and he called his wife Eve which means the mother of all living. They became like the gods and were gods knowing good and evil, but they never sinned again and yet they died even as God had said they would if they disobeyed him.

But are they not alive? Did they not see the one in whom was their hope though they once had not known it was him that would be their salvation, that would pay the penalty for that they had done? I lie not. They are. Even as we place our faith in our savior, the one who paid our penalty by going to Hell for us in our stead though he had never done anything wrong and though we were wrong so many times we were guilty, felt guilty, and believed we were guilty that we might be forgiven if we would accept it. The guilty are not guilty when the penalty, in this case death, is paid and Jesus paid for that they did; that we all are.

There is no need to feel guilty and those feelings have no basis in reality. But if we believe we are guilty even then our guilt feelings will never leave us as long as that delusion persists. We then that still feel guilty must recognize that feeling guilty does not make us guilty and believe we are not guilty despite such feelings. No one in Heaven is guilty, for even believing one is guilty is not something that cannot be forgiven by Jesus and will not be, when at last we see him because we will be like him who is also sinless for he became sin for us. And if he is our sin where is the sin we committed. It is to his glory we have been saved from sin and death, the penalty for sin for ever and ever.

Who can say that the sin he became is sin, was it not righteous and loving what he did? It is sin no more, but a righteous thing he has done for us and for God, making it possible for God to forgive us and making it unnecessary for God to forgive him who never did anything wrong.

Are we not then gods because we have sinned, our sin not being counted against as anything we did wrong, but charged to Jesus making his good deed of becoming even that sin of unbelief? And is not God, Jesus Christ, yet God, meaning a God that has never done any wrong and set apart for the holiness and sinlessness he can only have and he remains unchanged for God has never sinned, is not now sinning and will not ever sin, or he is not God. But in that case he is just another sinner like us all, including the Devil, who in his vanity and conceit is banking on the idea he can make God sin, a thing that cannot be done, even by the Devil his self.

On the other hand the Devil has done wrong. He has sinned. And he lost his place in heaven because he was proven a sinner and evil, and no evil will ever be permitted in heaven, a holy place and therefore a place where sin will never be allowed or it is not a holy place any longer and no different than earth or hell for that matter.

When the Devil who was once a holy angel and was thought at the present time to be holy is found to no longer just be conceited but evil, there was then no place for him in heaven, and he became earthbound like the sinful creatures his sin had created. And being as a man, but not just a man but a man knowing only evil all the time like any unbeliever, not holy in any way. He had no choice but to recognize it was true like any believer at the time of his realization of the truth also. He led all of the powers on earth against God in one last battle, the Battle of Armageddon where he and all the evil powers on earth were defeated and cast in to quarantine, the lake of burning sulfur, and forgotten to become so preoccupied with their own torment they can do nothing else for ever and ever, unbeknownst to us who like God forget them for there is no reason to ever remember them or those he invented; for ever and ever also.

Those he created had a lifetime here on earth and eons in heaven to turn from being the Devil; unbelieving humans on earth and the angels that rebelled with the Devil in heaven that is. They have all sinned and are all together in the lake of burning sulfur without end in the last of their times. The devils because they have all done what the Devil did. And those on earth because they served him and them, in the end of the end times also. Though they had been the people God created in the case of the Jews that are not Jews, but who merely cling to that Name though they have no right to it in the here and now as I write this writing, they have rejected their only hope, will they not know whom it was they have pierced when they see him, even as the Devil when he is bound at the end of the Battle of Armageddon will know who he has been sinning against?

Will they not also know that he is righteous? Will they not also know that he is loving even to them? He could have let even the Devil continue to sin and become only more sinful, but in his mercy he put a stop to it, to the glory of Almighty God. Is he not righteous and loving in his mercy even to them? God and Jesus Christ remain holy, righteous, merciful and loving as he always was, is even then and will remain for ever and ever.

The Devil cannot accept God's love and forgiveness and remain the Devil, but he has affected the rest of even his devils that cannot cease to ever be that he made them, and he cannot be allowed to continue to sin for it is not needed. His sin is completely filled up and he can only repeat that he has already done. That is true of his devils also and those they invented, is it not?

Those possessed to the point of death have become the Devil or a devil themselves and no longer exist slipping silently forevermore into oblivion. Those oppressed to that point become a demon and not a human in any way with no hope of returning to their humanity again, are they not like devils also? Those who continually sin though no devil possesses them, are they not like a demon born by sin though before that point they could have turned and accepted Jesus' payment for their sins at any time. Even those that become disembodied spirits that are evil because they do not obey Jesus, are they any less than demons though they may not possess the wherewithal to accept it, or the knowledge or ruthlessness of a devil or demon either. But they will never stop sinning if they are not placed in the lake of burning sulfur with their father whom they hate. In the lake there is no sin either, for all that is there to be done is to be tormented without end, according to what is just, righteous, merciful and even loving. Where then is sin. It is not. It has been completely destroyed and will be remembered no more.

Praise Jesus! Praise Almighty God! Praise the Holy Spirit! We gods are in all we may do creatures that bring glory for ever and ever to God. What a God we have in Jesus! What a God we have in all three of him! Glory! Glory! Glory for ever and ever!

Chapter 2: Holy Learning

Almighty God ordered us not to disobey him. The Spirit of God testifies we will continue to disobey him as long as we are in our physical bodies. Jesus Christ, the Son of God, went to hell to pay the penalty for everyone, saved or unsaved, in touch with reality and God, or delusional and doing the works of the Devil. We are completely enveloped in sin and guilt. Only God can forgive us because of what Jesus did by coming here to be one of us, and what he did on the cross, in hell and by rising from the dead and he will if we can but accept it, in which case we are sinless in God's eyes and should be seen as that no matter what we do.

What else matters?

He has made me holy! Sin is not for me, for he has destroyed sin. How may I yet sin? I cannot but help to bring even more glory to God and increase the number of sins he has paid for and therefore magnify the sin he has paid for which results in an increase in his glory, the glory of God. Therefore even if I do that which would have been sin before he paid my penalty I do not sin but instead righteously bring glory to God. How then may I escape what Jesus has done?

Shall I blaspheme Jesus? Heaven forbid that I would do even that which might even seem to be blaspheming him! But I cannot blaspheme a name I do not even know that I might say it, no man knows that name but he himself. His Father my Father and my God may know it, but he is holy, righteous, loving and possesses all power, therefore he will not blaspheme that name even though he may know it being not a man but God. And no one can make him even sin against the Son he has always loved, loves now and will not cease to love without end.

Jesus cannot be blasphemed for I doubt that any angel knows that name either and in that case even the Devil cannot blaspheme that name I know not at all at present or for that matter long into the future if he ever will. Though the Devil might blaspheme the true Name of Almighty God to hasten his end, not even he may blaspheme the name no man knows but Jesus, the Lamb of God for the Devil himself becomes nothing more than an earthbound creature like any man in his end and for that reason probably never knew the name of the one that caused his death. He doesn't even remember him, it being lost to all evil without ever being spoken by them in torment completely unchallenged and utterly untarnished for ever and ever along with their deaths not knowing even the name of the one that forgot them that they might call on him hoping to get him to remember them. They have not forgotten it. They never once knew it.

Holy Brother, Lamb of God, Jesus Christ, I bring glory to you even if I am in error on that and have not sinned because of what you have done should even one of them know that name in their end, which I doubt very strongly they will. I am but a god like everyone else, but I am a saint and cannot sin even in that error even if it is an error which in my mind would be a most fitting part to their end. However even as you said when considering the cup the Father had given you on earth, your will be done, Holy Brother you must do what our Father has determined must be done, even so Father, your will be done, God; not my own. If it is no error I bring glory to God by even mentioning it may be. Jesus be praised in that name forever after it is seen written on him as he leads the saints into battle in heaven. Amen. It is however the nature of that name that it is not a secret that will keep even the Devil from sharing it even with a man that he might prove God a liar in his Scripture.

Father I pray in the name of Jesus Christ our Savior along with all who read this that you destroy any delusion that may yet be in us with the truth that we may be without any fault or blemish in our spirits forever like him we will one day see face to face and eye to eye if not now then at that most blessed time. Amen.

Jesus being God can conceive of things no man can. Surely a name fit for such a one is only secret in that mankind could not have thought of it on his own even if it were shared with him. No one has ever been in a position to experience what Jesus has experienced. It may not be shared with any unbeliever by a devil or demon, saint, angel or God, that does not exalt Jesus in any way. Such a thing is impossible in any way conceivable for any man. It could be as meaningless to us therefore before he shares it in the writing it is displayed on his person in heaven as he leads us to war against the Devil as is the means of causing something to be that was not ever before it came into being. And that is solely because we are a mere saint of a god and not God that we might know it or have any means to know it, a thing we share with the Devil lest he too might be able to actually perform even one miracle instead of his sophisticated magic tricks.

Dare I say, "Us," without fear of being beheaded? I hope so should even that future befall me. God only knows and I believe he has told me I will not be one of those martyrs, though ruling with Christ for a thousand years would be no small blessing surely. Even so come with that name Lord Jesus. Come. Even then! Amen.

Those like me are curious especially for the things of God and at present we want to discover all we can about Jesus that we may know him as fully as possible without actually seeing him face to face and have him look us in our eyes.

What a moment that will be though! It is worth giving up my salvation for just that one moment, were it possible. To at last be like him! What mind can grasp that? What heart could stand it prematurely? But it will happen. We have the greatest thing I can think of at present to look forward to! Amen? I know you agree. Don't you? To know our Savior in a manner that required faith, but is then the fulfillment of that we can only hope for and grow in our faith that it will indeed occur! Talk about anticipation! I can think of nothing as dear to me in all my curiosity and desire to know than that, for I do so love to learn and hope it will continue to the day I discard this old man's body I am in at present and even beyond time without end in the New Earth, even in the Holy City under the New Heaven. That is my prayer. Amen!

How sad I would be to ever be a genius that had nothing more to learn! Even to be a genius that had squandered my ability to understand, comprehend and apprehend the greatest concepts possible on meaningless delusions and magic tricks invented by the Devil meant only to discredit God, an exercise in futility or God would be mocked which cannot actually happen except in the evil imagination of the limited understanding of humankind!

I spent so much of my nearly 65 years now on such nonsense, but I hope not to spend even another moment doing such, for it would be just as meaningless especially now I know there is an entire reality I have barely considered to actually learn even the most basic no-brainer about it. God help me learn, but lead me away from wasting my time, the saints' time or whoever else might also be reading this I write. Again. Amen!

It was my desire to share everything I learned with you about Jesus in this way. But my Lord says that it is needless sin to pursue it. Therefore I must change my mind. It is not like I have no enemies or as if there were no enemies to the faith, or that my Lord does not have enemies, or that there are no enemies God does not even now have at least for a little while.

God loves his enemies. Jesus loves his enemies. I love my enemies. And all things work together for the good of those that love God. But why cause those I also love, my weak brothers and sisters that might not understand or might be unable to accept some part of that I write, the very sinners and saints I love, why should I cause them any more difficulty than need be though good will come of it. But will not good come by an easier road taken by all of us also, or God, or even Jesus that does not cause more difficulty than needed to have been. I cannot hurt them, but I can make it more difficult to reach my destination also. Forgive me then if I yield to Jesus' wisdom in favor of my quest to know and share what I know which is only human, but I have a much higher calling than being merely human.

If that disappoints anyone even the Devil it causes me some measure of sorrow. But I must refrain for it is best. I don't want to wind up hating him whom I am looking forward to perfectly loving, or wind up hating myself for having made it so hard on myself in my end either. Have no fear I will continue but with discretion if not more caution. I am holy.

Chapter 3: Unloving Righteousness

In all his creating God never once used the personal pronoun, I. He is never self-centered. He is completely centered in what he may do and all he does is for others. If it were not so, he would have simply recreated himself, which there was no need to do, and it would have served no purpose at all. Even when forced by Moses to give himself a name he pointed to an intellectual concept that does not glorify himself or cause us to glory in who and what he is. His name is true. It points to who he really is, but shuns the temptation to talk about himself. There was no egotism in his reply to anyone ever.

He is I AM, a name that is fit for anyone at any moment even outside time were it not God's name. But it was not done to obscure himself. It was done to disarm anyone that heard that name from ever using it to identify themselves I have learned. How is one to blaspheme a name like that? They cannot say it is not a title he is not entitled to. Anyone is entitled to that name if it weren't that it belonged to God.

When anyone else says, "I am..." and completes the sentence with anything that is true of God, it is not them that said, or that they are describing; but God.

When anyone says, "I am..." and completes the sentence with anything that is not true of God they are lying and that about God. Even if someone says, "I am not," one is lying for that is something that is not true in any way about God and it is not true about anyone else except Jesus when he was in Hell and had become sin, and even then it was truly to do good and not evil and to bring glory of God not himself. God has never said, "I am God," which is true only of him, though he may have said, "I am," in reply to a question as to who or what he was, why would he deny you were correct in calling him God? There is no deception in him and when we think we are deceived by the truth, it is our error and not the truth's; is it not? So, why wouldn't God say, "I am God," then even before the Sanhedrin?

It would not have been holy. One cannot do such a thing without sinning and God will not sin for no one else can say such a thing and God would never say such a thing even to save his own skin or to commit suicide or even for egotistical reasons. He is neither conceited nor vain.

"I" on the other hand is a word that cannot be used in any accurate manner by a man, even should one say, "I desire not to be egocentric or egotistical," for one is testifying to the fact they are that while using an egotistical word to say they do not want to be egotistical. But if that were true why would they say such a thing as would defeat their purpose and logically render their goal completely out of range not to mention out of reach. But it is not that in the first place in the case of God who doesn't want to even give the impression he is that because he will not deceive anyone by his design for he is not a man that he should do such a thing.

"I" is first used improperly in the Holy Bible by Cain in Genesis 4:9b KJV when he says about his brother Abel's whereabouts when he had just killed him, "...I know not; am I my brother's keeper?" But by then the discerning reader has already determined Cain was self-centered and egotistical; even conceited; or Cain would not have been so blown away when God rejected his offering of a little grain rather than the life of one of his herd like Abel did. Such an offering was doom to be lesser unless he were to offer an awful lot of it. And even Cain's speech betrayed him. He was lying and intending to deceive and he either didn't care to be or just flat out wasn't very good at it like the Devil had been in actually deceiving Eve.

There is no way then for me to say, "I am holy," and be holy at the same time even if I prove my point after that to the best of anyone's ability which I probably did not accomplish. There is no love in it though it may have been righteous that I did it.

Righteousness without love is not holy. It is not a loving thing to do. Does that mean I intended it to be hateful? Certainly not. I could have said you were holy, but not all of you are that who read this and I don't know who I intended it for, if anyone in particular including myself.

There is not much one cannot learn even about one's self and one's actions no matter how well intentioned they were if one listens to the truth, whether uttered by Jesus, Almighty God, or Holy Friend, the one others call the Holy Spirit, or the Spirit of God who never speaks of himself or even some saint. In no wise did I even think I was speaking in the Holy Spirit if I said such a thing. But you may not have realized that and allowed yourself to be deceived.

So what I said was also true as well as righteous, but it was a thing that cannot be thought in love, much less real righteousness, the righteousness of the holy and I apologize for my indiscretion. Jesus died for that entire statement and I acted improperly toward my readers, angels, saints or sinners, not to mention Jesus and God. Therefore I am ashamed of that I did and beg you to forgive me in the hope that even the sinners among you may also forgive me given enough time.

It is not a total loss whether you forgave me or not. That is up to you. Though I sinned. We have learned from my error. And I have sought to fight even the sin that tempted me and which I gave into to cause the entire embarrassing situation with good. If you already love Jesus it has worked for my good as well as yours and God was served. If you do not love Jesus why do you not love Christ! Have I also failed in some way to fight evil, even my own, with good? I hope not. But I know Jesus has forgiven me, however, that is not all that is important to me.

Love, joy, happiness, and good spiritual health to you all.

Chapter 4: Too Late

Should a sinner, a human being that is not a saint, come into your life will they be saved simply because you may be holy, both righteous, loving, truthful, merciful and all of what goes into being holy since Jesus Christ, God, is holy? Jesus was here in person but how many were saved even as a result of his prayers, the prayers of holy God? Not many considering the crowds he drew at times. But how many millions have been saved since?

So many claim to be Christians in my homeland, this wicked, sinful place that once exported most of the world's missionaries, but how many really are Christians? Some times it looks like no one is saved. It seems so bad sometimes one feels real sorrow for how badly the churches turned out, let alone how very few are actually members of the Church. How can that be? Is that perception real? Is the idea even true? Is it even possible that you are the only one left that is saved, that the Church as it exists is limited to only you, Jesus and the rest of God? Will there come a time when there is nobody here that is saved, that was saved, or that will be saved?

Even if there is, and I think there is such a time, there will be saints in heaven even then. For the anti-Christ will defeat them and behead them that will not deny God, anyone who will not receive their signs of obedience to the anti-Christ and the false prophet. And of course there has to be a last one, but if there is the Bible doesn't say anything about him or her with all the rest that will be going on. But it will not be a time not to love God that is for sure.

But it is not possible to be the last one here and be saved for they will all be taken up at once and no saint will be left behind. Then comes the end of the Devil, and the end of evil for all will be judged. The Church is not dying and it will not die, but churches may. Their numbers seem to be waning, the actual Christians and the Church's influence is becoming a thing of the past even in my homeland where so many once were. And if there is a revival of Christianity it may be the last if the last revival has not already occurred. It is not a time for great sadness but for rejoicing for judgment will then come, the last of the last days of evil, the last day of the Devil which won't even live in infamy it will be so forgotten even by God. Not all will be forgiven. But the Church is not dying it is simply reaching its full number.

But it is possible then yet to die even though Jesus paid the price by going to hell for you. It is still possible you will in fact die and your spirit will be cast into the lake of burning sulfur.

Are you a sinner not even caring whether you go to such a place or still refusing to believe there is such a place? There is and you shall enter it should you wait too long in your unbelief or your complacency.

Are you a sinner thinking about giving it a try, but you are not quite sure yet? Time is precious to you. There may come a day when things happen and you will need Christ to help you resist and you will not yet have him. No one goes against their will, but what will it take for you to go the way of the Devil, the anti-Christ and the false prophet?

Then there is the problem of being too far gone to cry out for the salvation that many have known throughout the ages. If you cannot now cry out to Jesus to save you, will you be able to when today they set up the guillotines in your hometown perhaps even in a mall? Will you really be able then to cry out to join those that are being beheaded even as you consider it? If you once had convictions and courage to believe what you do now, to question evil as the way to go, did it take time for you to have the courage to be considering that you are now considering? The offer is open until you take their signs in your body, but will you be able not to take it, to resist even, or will you cry out as the blade is falling when there is so little time left, "I'll take the mark!" and be lost though you did the only thing your courage would allow you to do. Will you cry out instead, "Save me, Lord!"? Will the blade even then have severed your head from your torso before you form the words you are so scared? If that happens you will be lost anyway.

If you are a Christian living in sin, feeling weak and afraid, will you have the conviction to die? Will you die with your head in a basket and go to heaven? Will you look at the men with the implements needed to give you the mark and give in? Is there enough evidence to convict you of being a Christian today should they be beheading people in the town or the city where you live? Will they come for you at midnight or midday and take you away? How much time have any of us left? A year? A month? A week? A day? An hour? Minutes? Seconds?

Did it turn out after all you never really believed in the first place and merely put yourself through all that for nothing? That is the end. There are no Christians here after that. It is over. What good would it do you to cry out now that you have condemned yourself? Can your spirit stand knowing that? Can your righteous loving soul accept that! Did you actually think you loved Jesus all along and now that it is over, will you still think you did? How long will that delusion last when there is no one left that believes at all and if there is they will be as intimidated as you are? And therefore just as scared and just as silent? How long can you hang onto that vain hope in the hell on earth that is left? Not long; I can assure you of that.

But isn't it even more tragic nowadays? How corrupt will you become though you were saved before God takes your physical life to prevent you from reaching a point where you will not ever be able to turn back. Will you actually have that sex change? Sleep just one more night with your partner in a same sex marriage? Or relationship? Will you do any completely unacceptable thing one more time and still be able to turn back? Will this be the last time before you die? If you were really saved, will you die in a wreck, a plane crash, a stray bullet, a bullet meant for you, a disease you didn't know you had, a heart attack, a stroke or some freak accident or some new relationship that is many times more dangerous than you would have chosen...? Do you know how much time you have left?

God will take your physical life if you were saved. How will that feel? Will you be ashamed? Embarrassed beyond what you can stand and for how long will you be that way? Will you be so ashamed you look for a place to hide even in heaven and cannot find one? How uncomfortable will you be there and for how long? Could you look Jesus in the face right now if you died? What makes you think tomorrow would be any better? If sin truly has a hold of you, it will only get worse. It never gets better. Change your mind about what you are doing. Ask Jesus to forgive you and help you get out of that place you are in, that horrible destructive ever worsening sin. You were saved. You know what to do, do it.

But if you are not saved and they are not beheading anyone soon that you know of and you're thinking of checking it out, ask Jesus to save you right now. Ask him to lead you to people who can show you in person how to be saved, what words you might need to say, what ideas you need to believe and what things you need to expect in your heart. Not all churches are full of phonies ask him to lead you to a real Christian a member of thee Church, the collective body of real Christians everywhere and not exclusive to any expensive building that will eventually fall down and become rubble.

Don't go by what you feel, don't follow your heart only, believe Jesus, he will come to you. He is listening in on your thoughts right now. Caring, waiting, and hoping, you will wonder if you should, if you should entertain the thought seriously, if you should pray silently even to him in real time right now and ask him those questions. Plead with him to bring people in your life who can help you find out whether you want to get out of this alive or die because you waited too long and couldn't get yourself to do it anymore not even just one more time.

It could be a relationship you want to get out of, a situation that is taking you directions you don't want to go, a circumstance you can see no hope for or in, or maybe you are trying to shake your demon, someone else' demon, some devil or there are ghosts or just angry, mean, hateful people around you that you want to get away from or you wish they would just go away. How bad will it get? Sin only gets worse. If you are not saved you have sin no matter how good you are relatively speaking. It is evil, but it seems okay now. It will get worse. And then it will get worse again. It never stops ever.

Do you really want to be the way you are now, where you are now, involved in what you are involved in now? How much worse can you tolerate it? How much worse will you become until you can't even want it to end ever again? Talk to Jesus. Get help. Maybe the next TV show will be the thing that turns you, the next troll that puts you over the edge, the next person you troll that dies this time from something you said, or goes insane, or whatever happens next, how bad will it be? How much will it change you? Do it now?

Evil doesn't want you out. There may be ramifications to even reading this. You may think nobody knows. Jesus knows, the rest of God knows. Does that mean-? Don't go there. Talk to Jesus and ask him to save you and get you to someone else that believes before it's too late.

Are you too late?
