>> Stephen: WELCOME TO A LATE
SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S MID JULY AND DESPITE OUR
BEST QUARANTINE EFFORTS
YESTERDAY AMERICA SET A NEW
RECORD FOR DAILY CORONAVIRUS
CASES.
WAY MORE THAN WE STARNT STARTED
QUARANTINING BACK IN MARCH IT ST
ALMOST AS IF THAT CELEBRITY
IMAGINE VIDEO DIDN'T HELP.
SHOULD WE TRY ANOTHER ONE.
MAYBE SUGAR PIE, HONEY BUNCH.
SUGAR PIE HONEY BUNCH.
♪ IF FLORIDA ALONE NEW CASES
OVER THE PAST WEEK OUTSTRIPPED
THE TOTAL COUNT IN MOST EUROPEAN
NATIONS, THAT IS A SHOCKING
VACUUM OF LEADERSHIP IN A STATE
THAT I WILL REMIND YOU HAS AN
ENTIRE HALL OF PRESIDENTSMENT
CAN'T WE JUST PLUG IN AN
EXTENSION CORD INTO ONE OF THOSE
OLD GUYS AND PUT HIM IN CHARGE.
>> THIS COUNTRY HAS REALLY-- THE
POOCH.
THANK YOU, GENERAL.
ALL THE PEOPLE IN CHARGE WHO
TOLD US THE PANDEMIC WASN'T A
BIG DEAL ARE LOOKING BIG DUMB
RIGHT NOW LIKE OKLAHOMA GOVERNOR
AND CHONKY DRACULA KEVIN STITT,
CUZ REMEMBER TRUMP'S RALLY IN
TULSA, OKLAHOMA FULL OF UNMASKED
OPEN MOUTH SCREAMERS.
LOTS OF PEOPLE CALLED IT A
TERRIBLE IDEA, SAID IT SHOULD BE
CANCELLED.
NOT GOVERNOR STITT.
>> WE'RE GOING TO BE VERY SAFE
AND WE THINK IT'S THE RIGHT
TIME.
AND MY QUESTION BACK TO ALL THE
FOLKS THAT SAY YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE A RALLY, WHEN IS THE RIGHT
TIME.
>> Stephen: OH, OH, I KNOW,
WHEN IT WON'T KILL THE AUDIENCE.
DID I-- DID I-- THANK YOU.
SO ANYWAY THEY THREW THE RALLY.
6,000 PEOPLE SHOUTED THEIR
AERIAL SIZED VIRUSES AT EACH
OTHER AND GOVERNOR STITT WAS
THERE WITHOUT A MASK TO HUFF IT
ALL IN.
AND NOW TO THE GOVERNOR, THE
STIT STITT HAS HIT THE FAN
BECAUSE EARLIER TODAY HE MADE
THIS ANNOUNCEMENT.
>> I PERSONALLY GET TESTED
PERIODICALLY THROUGHOUT THIS
WHOLE THING.
AND GOT TESTED YESTERDAY FOR
COVID-19 AND THE RESULTS CAME
BACK POSITIVE.
SO I FEEL, FEEL FINE.
I FELT A LITTLE BIT ACHY
YESTERDAY.
>> Stephen: WELL, I WOULD FEEL
ACHY TOO IF I SPENT THE
AFTERNOON BANGING MY HEAD
AGAINST THE WALL GOING STITT YOU
BIG DUMBEE, WHY DID YOU DO T YOU
DID IT AGAIN, JUST LIKE THE TIME
YOU DRANK THAT WHOLE JUG OF
CRICK WATER BECAUSE YOUR COUSIN
SAID IT WAS ICED TEA, DAMN YOU,
YOU STITT FOR BRAIN.
THAT REALLY GETS IT FLUFFY,
DOESN'T IT.
WHAT AM I DOING HERE.
OH MY GOD, MI GOING TO NEED A
LITTLE ADVIL FOR MY NECK, THAT I
GOT TO SAY, I FEEL A LITTLE ACHY
BREAKY TOO.
STICK AROUND FOR NOAH AND BILLY
RAY LATER BY THE WAY.
REGRDLESS, GOVERNOR STITT, I
HOPE YOU RECOVER SOON.
ALSO PLEASE WEAR MASKS BECAUSE
ARE YOU NOW CONTAGIOUS AND YOU
MIGHT WANT TO HIDE YOUR FACE IN
SHAME FOR AWHILE.
NOW MASKS ARE STILL OUR BEST BET
FOR CONTROLLING THIS VIRUS
ACCORDING TO CDC DIRECTOR AND
AMISH POTATOE DR. ROBERT
REDFIELD.
HERE IS WHAT REDFIELD SAID
YESTERDAY.
>> I THINK THAT IF WE CAN GET
EVERYBODY TO WEAR A MASK I THINK
IN THE NEXT FOUR, TO SIX WEEKS
WE COULD BRING THIS EPIDEMIC
UNDER CONTROL.
>> Stephen: SUPER, ALL WE HAVE
TO DO IS SLOW SOME DISCIPLINE.
SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM FOR THE
COUNTRY THAT INVITED HOT DOG
PIZZA.
NOW THE CDC REPORTING THIS
CORONAVIRUS HOSPITAL DATA IS
MAKING THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION
LOOK TERRIBLE.
BUT THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION IS
FINALLY COME UP WITH A SOLUTION
TO THE CRISIS, CORONAVIRUS
HOSPITAL DATA WILL NOW BE SENT
TO THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION
INSTEAD OF THE CD, C.
AND I BELIEVE WE HAVE SOME LIVE
VIDEO OF THE NEW TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION COVID DATA
PROCESSING CENTER.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: YOU SEE TRUMP
DOESN'T WANT US TO KNOW WHAT THE
REAL CORONAVIRUS NUMBERS ARE.
HE KNOWS HE'S FAILED.
HE'S JUST LIKE A KID GRABBING
HIS REPORT CART CARD OUT OF THE
MAIL BOX BEFORE ANYONE COULD SEE
IT BUT WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT
HOW BAD HE IS DOING WHEN WE ALL
HAVE TO MAKE COFFINS IN SHOP
CLASS.
BUT THERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS ON
THE COVID FRONT BECAUSE LAST
NIGHT WE FOUND OUT THAT THE
MODERNA CORONAVIRUS VACCINE
SHOWS PROMISING SAFETY AND
IMMUNE RESPONSE RESULTS IN A
PUBLISHED PHASE 1 STUDY BUT BLAH
BLAH BLAH WE HAVE A VACCINE.
GIVE IT TO ME.
I WANT TO EAT UNWIPED GROCERIES
AND FINELY FILM MY SPECIAL THE
LATE SHOW SAY IT AND
SPRAY-TACULAR LIVE FROM THE
UNVENTILATED BASEMENT OF A
NURSING HOME WITH SPECIAL GUEST
GOVERNOR STITT.
OF COURSE ONCE A VACCINE DOES
COME OUT EVERYONE ON EARTH IS
GOING TO WANT IT.
AND TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE CAN
AFFORD IT SOME PHARMA COMPANIES
HAVE MADE A NO PROFIT PLEDGE.
NO PHARMA PROFIT.
UNLESS THE VACCINE ALSO HAPPENS
TO CURE ERECTILE DISFUNCTION IN
WHICH CASE THEY GOT TO GET THEIR
BEAKS WET AND IT'S NOT THEIR
BEEKS.
AND NO PHARMA-- A NO PROFIT
PLEDGE IS A NOBLE GESTURE BUT
SOME FOLKS ARE SCEPTICAL BECAUSE
THESE PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES
PROMISE COMES WITH A CAV YET
VACCINES WILL BE OFFERED AT NO
PROFIT QUOTE DURING THE
PANDEMIC.
HMMMM, THANKFULLY BIG PHARMA HAS
COME UP WITH A WAY TO REASSURE
THE PUBLIC ABOUT THEIR MOTIVES
AND IT IS ALL IN THEIR NEW AD.
>> ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT THE
FUTURE.
UNABLE TO SLEEP AT NIGHT, AFRAID
THAT PHARMA COMPANIES WILL PUT
THEIR PROFITS AHEAD OF YOUR
HEALTH?
IF YOU ARE CONCERNED ABOUT THE
COST OF A VACCINE, ASK YOUR
DOCTOR ABOUT VACSALAX, THE ONLY
MEDICATION PROVE TONE REDUCE
ANXIETY ABOUT BIG PHARMA TAKING
ADVANTAGE OF YOU IN A NATIONAL
CRISIS AM YOU CAN TRUST VACSALAX
BECAUSE OF ITS MASCOT PROFESSOR
CASHINGTON.
>> SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE LEGLESS
REST SYNDROME.
CRUMBLE FOOD, SPONTANEOUS BEARD
SPORE SPARROWS, FINAL
CONTRACTING, BIG OLD PINK FACE,
GORDON FISHERMAN SYNDROME,
SCROTAL YOTUS VACCINE
RESISTANCE.
FULL BLOWN CORONAVIRUS AND
DOLLAR DOLLAR BILLS Y'ALL 6789
WITH COVID RAGING ACROSS THE
NATION DONALD TRUMP HELD AN
EMERGENCY PRESS KMPS YESTERDAY
IN THE ROSE GARDEN.
NOW TRADITIONALLY ADDRESSES FROM
THE ROSE GARDEN ARE NOT BALDLY
POLITICAL EVENTS.
IT IS WHERE YOU CELEBRATE PARDON
THE TURKEY AND CELEBRATE THE
RARE CHAMPION TURKEY.
BUT THIS WAS JUST ANOTHER RALLY
SPEECH IN WHICH TRUMP RAGED AND
ATTACKED JOE BIDEN BY NAME
NEARLY 30 TIMES.
AT THIS POINT HE'S JUST TRYING
TO TALK BIDEN OUT OF HIS
BASEMENT,S WHATA MATTER JOE,
AFRAID TO COME OUT AND FIGHT ME
IN THE SEARING NUCLEAR FALLOUT
OF PUBLIC SCORN?
FINE, I GUESS I'LL BE THE ONLY
ONE MUTATING IN THE AGONIZING
HELL SCAPE THAT I CREATED.
TRUMP'S MAIN ARGUMENT IS THAT
BIDEN WAS TOO SOFT ON CHINA.
>> BIDEN PERSONALLY LEAD THE
EFFORT TO GIVE CHINA PERMANENT
MOST FAVORED NATION STATUS WHICH
IS A TREMENDOUS ADVANTAGE FOR A
COUNTRY TO HAVE, FEW COUNTRIES
HAVE IT.
BUT THE UNITED STATES DOESN'T
HAVE IT NEVER DID.
>> Stephen: THIS IS SO TRUE.
THE UNITED STATES NEVER RECEIVED
FAVORED NATION TRADING STATUS
FROM THE UNITED STATES.
AND WHEN WILL AMERICA FINALLY
HAVE AN AMBASSADOR TO THE UNITED
STATES.
EVERY OTHER COUNTRY GETS ONE.
MUST BE SWEET, WAY TO GO JOE.
EARLIER IN THE DAY BIDEN
ANNOUNCED AN AMBITIOUS PLAN TO
COMBAT CLIMATE CHANGE, SO TRUMP
TRIED TO SCARE THE VOTERS WITH
IT.
>> THEY WANT TO REJOIN THE PARIS
CLIMATE ACCORD.
AND THEY WANT TO SEEK AN EVEN
HIGHER LEVEL.
MANDATE NET ZERO CARBON
EMISSIONS FOR HOMES, OFFICES AND
ALL NEW BUILDINGS BY 2030.
THAT BASICALLY MEANS NO WINDOWS.
>> Stephen: NO WINDOWS?
WHAT-- AND HOW WILL WINDOWS
CARBON EMITTING.
DID WE FIND OUT DONALD TRUMP HAS
A GASOLINE POWERED VENETIAN
BLIND?
ERIC, QUICK, YOU PULL THE TWO
CORDY THINGS AND I WILL FIRE HER
UP.
PULL OU THE CHOKE.
ACCORDING TO TRUMP BIDEN HAS HIS
SIGHTS ON MORE THAN JUST
WINDOWS.
>> JOE BIDEN WANTS TO SEND
SCHOOL CHOICE, ABOLISH
EDUCATIONAL STANDARDS, ABOLISH
IN THE SUBURBS, ARE YOU GOING TO
ABOLISH THE SUBURBS WITH THIS.
>> Stephen: ABOLISH THE
SUBURBS.
HOW DESPERATE IS HE TO SCARE
SUBURBAN VOTERS.
JOE BIDEN IS GOING TO BORROW
YOUR WEED WACKER AND NEVER
RETURN IT, OKAY.
HE'S GOING TO RAKE HIS LEAVES
OVER THE PROPERTY LINE IN YOUR
YARD.
HE'S GOING TO TEAR DOWN YOUR
SEASONAL FLAG OF A KITTEN
SITTING IN A PICNIC BASKET AND
THEN NOT CLOSE HIS RECYCLING BIN
AND THAT'S WHY THE RACCOONS ARE
JUST GOING TO TAKE OVER.
I'M NOT RUNNING A [BLEEP]
RACCOON HOTEL HERE.
BUT IT'S NOT JUST JOE BIDEN.
TRUMP ALSO ATTACKED THE REAL
ENEMY OF DEMOCRACY, PEOPLE
VOTING.
>> THESE MAIL IN FIGURES, SOME
DEMOCRAT GOVERNOR SENDS IN
MILLIONS OF BALLOTS ALL OVER THE
STATE.
WHO ARE THEY SENDING THEM TO.
NOBODY HAS ANY IDEA.
THEY'RE SENDING THEM TO DOGS.
THEY ACTUALLY HAVE THEM SENT TO
DUGS.
>> Stephen: DOGS.
WELL, IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME, FOR
TOO LONG THEY HAVE HAD
CASTRATION WITHOUT
REPRESENTATION.
♪.
>> DOG BARKER APPROVED.
>> Stephen: WE ALSO GOT MORE
OF TRUMP'S INTERVIEW WITH CBS'S
CATHERINE HERRIDGE WHO ASKED
TRUMP ABOUT WHAT HE PLANS TO DO
ABOUT THE LAG IN CORONAVIRUS
TESTING.
>> WHAT CAN YOU DO TO SPEED UP
THE TESTING RESULT TIME.
>> THERE ARE DIFFERENT KINDS OF
TESTS.
THERE ARE TESTS THAT ARE VERY
GOOD, VERY STRONG.
WHERE YOU SEND IT TO A
LABORATORY.
THE BEST THING WE CAN DO IS WE
ARE DOING MORE AND MORE OF THEM
IS ONSITE TESTING.
>> WILL YOU PUSH FOR MORE ONSITE
TESTING.
>> I LIKE IT THE BEST.
I MEAN I LIKE IT THE BEST.
IT MIGHT NOT BE AS ACCURATE BY
THE WAY BUT I LIKE IT THE BEST.
>> Stephen: I LOVE TESTS THAT
ARE INACCURATE, LIKE THE ONE
THAT SAID I HAVE NO COGNITIVE
DECLINE.
PERFECT TEST.
I LOVE IT.
I LOVE YOU, ARE YOU MY WIFE.
WHO AM I?
HIDE ME, JOE BIDEN IS COMING FOR
MY WINDOWS.
DOG!
TRUMP HAS BLAMED CHINA FOR THE
PANDEMIC SO HERRIDGE ASKED HIM
WHAT HE IS GOING TO DO ABOUT
THAT.
>> HOW WILL YOU HOLD THE CHINESE
GOVERNMENT ACCOUNTABLE FOR
COVID-19.
>> YOU'LL SEE, YOU'LL SEE, IT'S
NOT FOR YOU, IT'S FOR ME.
>> Stephen: OH NO, HE HAS GONE
FULL DR. SEUSS, YOU'LL SEE,
YOU'LL SEE, IT'S NOT FOR YOU,
IT'S FOR ME.
HOW WILL I PUNISH PRESIDENT XI,
THAT MY FRIENDS IS A MYSTERY.
WITH A SPLOOT AND A SPLORT AND A
SKLOUT AND A FROWT, I HAVE NO
IDEA WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.
ARE YOU MY WIFE?
TRUMP'S MESSAGING ON MASKS HAS
BEEN LET'S SAY UNHELPFUL.
AND LAST NIGHT HE MANAGED TO
KEEP UP HIS STREAK.
>> WOULD YOU URGE AMERICANS TO
WEAR MASKS?
>> IF IT'S NECESSARY I WOULD
URGE THEM TO WEAR A MASK.
>> Stephen: POWERFUL, IT
REMINDED ME OF NANCY REAGAN'S
ANTIDRUG CAMPAIGN, JUST SAY NO,
IF IT'S NECESSARY.
COCAINE IS DELICIOUS.
YESTERDAY WAS ALSO PRIMARY DAY
IN THREE STATES.
MAINE, ALABAMA AND TEXAS.
AND SOME FAMILIAR FACES GRACED
THE BALLOTSK LIKE FORMER WHITE
HOUSE PHYSICIAN DR. RONNY
JACKSON SEEN HERE WINNING A
STAIRING CONTEST WITH A CEILING
FAN.
JACKSON LEFT HIS POST AT THE
WHITE HOUSE AFTER ALLEGATIONS HE
WAS PLAYING FAST AND LOOSE WITH
PRESCRIPTIONS EARNING HIM THE
NICKNAME THE CANDY MAN.
IT'S TRUE.
URBAN LEDGE-- LEGEND SAY IF YOU
SAY DR. RONNY'S NAME THREE TIMES
IN A MIRROR AT MIDNIGHT, THE
DRUGS HE GAVE YOU FINALLY KICK
IN.
THE REPUTATION OF BEING A PILL
POPPING DADDY DIDN'T HURT
JACKSON TOO MUCH BECAUSE
YESTERDAY HE WON THE GOP PRIMARY
RUNOFF FOR A TEXAS CONGRESSIONAL
SEAT.
IT HELPED THAT HIS CAMPAIGN
PASSED OUT FREE PRESCRIPTION
PADS.
IT WAS A ROUGHER NIGHT FOR
FORMER ATTORNEY GENERAL AND
GRANDMA SAYING YOUNG LADY ARE
YOU NOT LEAVING THIS HOUSE IN A
CROP TOP.
JEFF SESSIONS.
YESTERDAY SESSIONS LOST THE
ALABAMA GOP SENATE RUNOFF.
THAT'S IT THAT'S THE END OF JEFF
SESSIONS POLITICAL CAREER.
I WOULD DANCE ON HIS GRAVE BUT
IT'S TOO TINY.
AND TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY,
SESSIONS LOST TO TRUMP-BACKED
CANDIDATE TOMMY TUBERVILLE, THIS
IS A STUNNING POLITICAL FALL.
SESSIONS WAS THE FIRST SENATOR
TO BACK TRUMP IN 2016.
TRUMP NEVER FORE GAVE SESSIONS
FOR RECUSING HIMSELF FROM THE
RUSSIA INVESTIGATION WHICH IS
WHY TRUMP BACKED TUBERVILLE.
WHAT SHIFTS THE STORY FROM SAD
TO TRULY PATHETIC IS THAT
SESSIONS NEVER STOPPED LOVING
TRUMP.
THIS IS HIS ACTUAL CAMPAIGN AD.
>> YOU KNOW, OUT OF 100 UNITED
STATES SENATORS I WAS THE VERY
FIRST ONE TO STAND WITH DONALD
TRUMP.
I KNEW HE WAS THE ONE O MAKE
AMERICA GREAT AGAIN AND I WILL
KEEP FIGHTING FOR PRESIDENT
TRUMP AND HIS AGENDA.
I'M JEFF SESSIONS, I APPROVE
THIS AD.
>> Stephen: THAT IS THE
SADDEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN
IT IS LIKE A JILTED LOVER
WEARING HER X BOYFRIEND'S HAT.
DON'T TAKE HER BACK, CARL.
THIS LOSS HAS GOT TO BE A HUGE
BLOW TO JEFF SESSIONS, SO HERE
TO TELL US HOW HE'S HANDLING IT,
PLEASE WELCOME FORMER ATTORNEY
GENERAL JEFF SESSIONS.
>> HELLO, STEPHEN.
I DO DECLARE THE LOSS OF MY
FORMER SEAT IN THE GREAT STATE
OF ALABAMA, HAS LEFT ME MORE
DEFLATED AN A BOUFFANT HAIRDO IN
AUGUST ON MOBILEE BAY IT IS SO
PAINFUL TO ME.
JEFFERSON BEAUREGARD SESSIONS
THE 3rd THAT I HAVE MADE A
FATEFUL DECISION.
A WORLD WHERE I CAN'T LICK THE
BOOT OF DONALD TRUMP ISN'T ONE I
WANT TO BE IN.
AT LEAST I OUTLIVED MY
INTEGRITY.
HERE I GO.
I'M HEADED TOWARD THE
WHITE-- DON'T TRY TO STOP ME.
I WON'T.
>> I'LL DO IT.
>> I BELIEVE YOU.
>> GOOD-BYE CRUEL WORLD.
I LOVE YOU DONALD TRUMP.
GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB.
JEFF SESSIONS, EVERYBODY.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, RICKY GERVAIS IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE
.
