

Unexpected Gifts

A novella

D.C. Williams

Unexpected Gifts published by D.C. Williams at Smashwords

Copyright 2013 Deborah Anne Williams

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Unexpected Gifts

Chapter One

Nick was alternately trying not to giggle or fall asleep. Both seemed like options as the speaker droned on and on. He looked around the room, trying to find something that might distract him in the rather bare church basement before he either started yawning or laughed outright. The couple sitting next to him looked every bit as bored as he was, and the woman rolled her eyes conspiratorially at Nick. The man leaned over her to whisper in Nick's ear and said, "Not only is this guy going on forever, he seems to have forgotten to mention that it's way easier to have successful heterosexual relationships when you're bisexual to start with."

Nick snorted involuntarily and the woman grinned at him and pretended to kick the man. Thankfully the meeting was over soon after that, and Nick stood up. So did the couple and the woman extended her hand and said, "Hi, I'm Phoebe, and this nut is Leon." Nick had been trying to pay more attention to women, and he looked at her carefully. She was seriously cute; with frank gray eyes and a pretty mouth thought he actually might not mind kissing. Give Nick a point for a healthy sexual thought.

Nick extended his own hand to Phoebe and Leon and introduced himself. Leon laughed and said softly, "I hope that wasn't offensive to you if you're bisexual."

Nick shook his head with a grin and said, "No, I'm not. Don't I wish? Not to make light of it, since I know they can be bedeviled by temptation too, but he just made it sound so, so..."

"Easy.", supplied Phoebe. "Not to mention boring."

"And it takes some talent to make sex sound boring," added Leon. "We usually get some pizza after this. Would you like to join us?"

Would he ever. He'd been in town for barely six weeks and hadn't spoken more than a few words to anyone except his new therapist and a couple of fellow students. He hadn't even had a real conversation with his roommate. Not only did Phoebe and Leon seem like a lot of fun, being friendly with them wasn't going to require a whole lot of complicated explanations. Leon was definitely hot, but Nick had a lot of practice in pushing that kind of thought away, and wasn't going to dwell on hazel eyes, red lips, or that cute little goatee that would probably feel pleasantly scratchy. Nick repressed that one quickly and replaced it with Phoebe and Leon kissing. He imagined Leon's neat hands twined in Phoebe's short brown curls. Nice, and he wondered if that was a "healthy sexual thought". Probably "healthier", according to his therapist. He could hear Mark now, "Baby steps, Nick."

He followed Leon's truck to the nearest pizza parlor, and sat opposite them in a red vinyl booth. They hadn't said anything about it, but Nick assumed that both of them were in the same boat he was in. Cute as she was, Phoebe was decidedly not girly, and he thought Leon had kind of checked him out as they were leaving the meeting. Of course, he'd been checking Leon out, and really trying not to imagine what was under that plaid button down. Nick also thought that Leon and Phoebe were at least sort of together, since they had been holding hands, but he wasn't going to ask about that either. Kissing Phoebe was starting to sound like it might be an interesting experiment, but if she had a boyfriend; it was not going to be one he got to try.

Oh well. Maybe the sessions with Mark were starting to pay off already, and he'd start thinking about kissing women all the time. Heaven only knew those quacks hadn't done anything except take his parent's money and make him miserable. The rubber band had been bad enough, but having to set his alarm to go off every two hours so he wouldn't dream about sex had been as ridiculous as it was awful. He had been punchy, suffering from sleep deprivation, and not one tiny bit closer to heterosexual when he stopped in to say hi at a campus fellowship meeting at his old school. His friends had been worried, and the advisor had taken one look at him, pulled him aside to find out what was going on, and then called Pastor Brown and his parents to share his concerns.

Then he'd helped Nick choose a school that had a Protestant religious affiliation but was liberal enough that Nick wouldn't feel like he had to keep secrets all the time. "God gave you enough of a burden already," he had said. "You don't want the additional burden of having to hide that struggle from everyone you meet, every day." He also helped Nick find a therapist who would try to help Nick grow in a healthier Christian direction, but would also work on making it easier for Nick to live with himself as God had made him. Nick was unbelievably grateful to the man. He felt better about himself than he had since his parents had found out about Michael.

Come to think of it, he didn't think he had so much fun out with friends since before he'd broken up with Michael. He hadn't been a total recluse, but he hadn't gone out a whole lot. He didn't feel like he had much in common anymore with most of the people he knew in high school, and almost all of his college friends were really campus fellowship friends, which means he and Michael had them in common. Quite a few of them had more or less known that he and Michael were seeing each other too, and it just made things awkward.

Leon had a quiet but wicked sense of humor and Phoebe felt like his instant best friend. The pizza was pretty good too. They made it thicker and crustier than in New Jersey, but tasty. Although he wished someone would explain to him why they felt the need to fry poor innocent ravioli around here. When they were done eating, Phoebe suggested that they could pick him up next week for the meeting and some more pizza. Nick agreed so quickly that he felt like a dork, but Leon and Phoebe looked really pleased.

In the converted Victorian in what passed for downtown a few days later, Nick told Mark about meeting Leon and Phoebe at the meeting. "Good, I'm glad you're making friends and I'm really glad you've been able to encourage those kinds of positive thoughts. This is the first time you've had them?"

"Since high school, anyway." Nick squirmed a little. "I still have the other kind, though."

"That's normal. Just like we discussed, those are probably not going to go away completely, no matter how much other progress you make."

"I know. I just keep hoping. Now I just need to find a girl I want to kiss who doesn't have a boyfriend."

"Excellent. And I'm glad the meetings have been working for you. This couple sounds great, but you do want to be a little cautious about socializing with people you meet there. They understand where you've been and where you're trying to be, but you should remember that most of them wouldn't be there if they didn't struggle with temptation."

"You know how long I was with Michael. I'm pretty good at resisting temptation."

"Yes, but it isn't really fair for you to be a temptation to others, either. Your friend Michael had somewhat different beliefs about what God's plan for him was. From what you told me, he was comfortable with that temptation, and expected to find the moral courage to resist it."

Nick nodded. "I still miss him. I keep waiting to get over it. I still ask myself if I did the right thing."

Mark nodded back and waited for him to continue.

"I'm pretty sure we'd still be together if my parents hadn't found us out. And I was awful to him a few times after that."

Mark nodded again. "Did he forgive you?"

"Yes, I think so. He told me I had to find what was right for me."

"Smart. Do you think he's happy now?"

"Yeah, it was what he wanted. Just he used to want it with me, and then he found someone else."

"It's understandable for him to move on."

"I know. I just feel like I threw away what we had together and it was special."

"Those are legitimate feelings. You cared about him, and he must have cared about you."

"Was what we had wrong?"

"Do you think it was wrong?"

"I don't know. Having sex would have been wrong. I think going ahead with a ceremony and pretending it was a Christian marriage would be wrong, even if he spent a lot of time trying to convince me otherwise. The closeness we had didn't feel wrong."

"Then that's a lot of your answer. We need to finish up for this week. For the record, I think "wrong" isn't really the right word, but it's not the healthiest option God gave you."
Chapter Two

Nick found himself waiting for Thursday night. He honestly wasn't sure what he thought of the meetings, but he was looking forward to seeing Leon and Phoebe. A few of the people didn't seem all that well wrapped and the church basement was kind of depressing. It was good to be reminded that he wasn't the only person on the planet who struggled with this stuff, but he wasn't always sure how helpful other people's struggles were. The testimonials tended to fit into one of two patterns, and neither of them had much relevance for Nick. He might think about it all the time, but he'd never had much trouble controlling himself and not acting on those impulses. Nor did he have much luck in suppressing them and pursuing healthy Christian relationships. He'd been looking at women in class all week, waiting to think about kissing one of them, and it hadn't happened. He thought he liked brunettes better than blondes, but that was true with men too, so it wasn't exactly a revelation.

And when they pulled up to the curb, there was Phoebe, and he still felt that little tickle. It wasn't exactly overwhelming, but it was there. She was just cute, with that short curly bob and her slim compact body. He thought the lack of girliness helped, but there were a couple of women in the meeting that just about looked like men, and Nick never, ever wanted to kiss either of them. And she was a brunette. And it probably had something to do with the way she looked at Nick, which was frankly appraising, but not hungry. It definitely had something to do with the fiercely protective way she looked at Leon.

The desire to kiss Leon was way more than a tickle, but that was to be expected. Nick knew he liked to kiss men. He really wanted to kiss that man. He liked how his eyes changed color in the light, and how his hair and beard matched nearly perfectly, without the red undertone in his facial hair that a lot of dark-haired men had. He liked how well matched they would be in height, and Leon's neat capable looking hands. None of that meant anything was going to happen.

The unofficial meeting theme for this week seemed to be sexual temptation that hadn't been resisted and a whole lot of resultant self-loathing. At least it wasn't boring. During one particularly melodramatic account Nick looked over at Leon and Phoebe, and realized that Leon looked uncomfortable and Phoebe looked angry. Nick assumed something had cut a little too close to home. For Nick, who had fallen very gently in love at eighteen with someone he had never had sex with and had never expected to have sex with, that particular testimonial contained way too much information. It reminded him of the time he had peeked inside the "Joy of Gay Sex" in Barnes and Noble. It had been weeks before he could banish certain images from his head, especially since some part of him kept substituting him and Michael for the fairly innocuous line drawings in the book.

Finally, the meeting was over and they could escape to a pizza parlor. Leon drove to one a little farther away from the church. Nick suspected he didn't want to run into anyone else from the meeting.

"I need pepperoni," stated Leon.

"I hear you, brother." replied Nick. "I guess it wasn't boring this week, but that was miserable."

"It was," said Phoebe. "Sometimes those meetings are really, really good, but when they're not, they're not. Are you okay, Leon? That didn't get you too much?"

"Yeah, I'd actually like to split a pitcher, though. Nick, are you okay with that?"

"Yeah, I'm not a big drinker, but I don't have objections to a little beer."

"You're old enough, right?"

Nick nodded.

"Good. Phebes?"

"I won't have any, but I have no issues, and I'll be happy to drive you home in your truck."

"Thanks."

One pitcher of Coors turned into two, and they got Phoebe to drink half a glass with her third piece of pizza. Nick was feeling a little fuzzy, and while he thought Leon was a little more used to drinking beer than he was, Leon had also had a little more of it.

They weren't drunk, exactly, but he felt loose and relaxed. When they left, the three of them piled into the front seat of Leon's ten-year-old Expedition. Phoebe drove, Leon was on the end, and Nick was sandwiched between them. It felt good there, although Nick tried not to examine the idea too closely. Phoebe pulled up to his dorm and turned to say good night to him. Then she was kissing him.

It felt nice. Soft, different from Michael, not particularly urgent. Then Leon's hand brushed the back of his neck, gently but deliberately, and certain parts of his anatomy jumped to instant attention. Phoebe's mouth left his, and she kissed Leon, both of them leaning over Nick. Nick had spent a fair amount of time thinking about them kissing each other, and the reality was even better than the fantasy. He couldn't entirely wrap his mind around the idea that they wanted him to watch them do that, but it seemed that they must. Then Phoebe was kissing him again, and he could taste Leon on her mouth. Leon's hand was on his, firm and strong, stroking his fingers, and guiding his hand to...Phoebe's breast. It felt soft and alien, the nipple hardening under his fingers. Phoebe was making breathy little noises, and Nick could hear himself groaning.

It had been nearly two years since he'd kissed anyone. He'd never kissed a woman with any intent, and he had no words at all for exactly what was going on here, arousing as it was. When he and Michael had made out, they had gotten erections, but it was understood that they weren't going to do anything about it, at least not with each other. One or the other of them had climaxed on a couple of occasions since they were young and healthy and in love, but they had never done anything to deliberately make that happen. Right now he was unbelievably hard, and he had no idea what the next step was, or even if there was one. Not to mention that it probably wasn't a healthy sexual choice, but right at this moment that wasn't his main concern. It probably should be. "Unnatural desires" probably didn't even begin to cover this.

Leon was stroking the back of Nick's neck, but he pulled away a little and said. "I'm really tempted to suggest that we move this to my apartment..." Nick's cock surged again. "But not tonight. Not after the beer, and right now I think we're all thinking with our pants."

"Yeah," said Phoebe. She sounded reluctant.

Nick wanted to kiss her again. He really wanted to jump out of the truck and run screaming into the night. And he really, really wanted Leon to touch him some more. He closed his eyes. He had no idea what was going on here.

"Dude, are you okay?" Phoebe sounded concerned.

"Yeah, I wasn't expecting that."

"No kidding."

"It's okay."

"Can we pick you up again next week, Nick? Not too freaked out, I hope." Leon asked.

"No, I think I'm going to be a little bit later, but that was nice. Please pick me up next week if you want."

Leon nodded. "We want. Just know that there doesn't necessarily need to be any repeat of this."

Nick nodded in return. He gave Phoebe a quick little peck goodnight, and squeezed Leon's hand. He hadn't kissed the other man at all, and had no idea if that was something that Leon wanted to happen or not. He headed into his dorm, intent on finding some quality solo time in the shower. He hadn't masturbated much in the last couple of years either, mostly because he'd been trying to avoid the only fantasies that got him off. This qualified as an emergency. He was going to be awake all night if he didn't get some relief. Or attack his roommate, which was a frightening thought. Living with Jasper wasn't particularly difficult, but Nick had no trouble whatsoever trying not to lust after the 300 lb. war gamer.

He'd try to sort out what had happened in the morning. And try to decide if he wanted it to happen again. Or more honestly, if he thought he could live with himself comfortably if it did.
Chapter Three

Mark was professionally non-judgmental, but Nick could tell he thought hanging out with Leon and Phoebe again was a spectacularly bad idea. The man peered over his reading glasses.

"I know you're interested in this woman, and that you'd like to see if you can express yourself sexually with her, but do you think this is a constructive way to do it?"

"Probably not," Nick admitted. "It doesn't need to happen again, though."

"No it doesn't, but do you think you're strong enough to resist if one of them makes it clear that they'd like it to?"

"Yes, if I don't want it." Nick stared out the window. The leaves really were starting to turn.

"Do you?"

"Maybe. I know it's not really something I should be thinking about doing, but I liked it. Not just how it felt, but the closeness. I just felt safe between them, and it's not like I really did anything with Leon."

Mark sighed. "Nick, celibacy is hard. I know that you hope it might not be your only choice, but trading unhealthy relationships with men for unhealthy relationships with women is probably not the best decision you can make."

"It didn't feel unhealthy. Weird, yes, but not like something wrong."

Mark sighed again. "Sometimes it doesn't. Do you remember what I told you when you started in therapy? That even if you were to do something that you were embarrassed about, or wasn't compatible with your therapeutic goals, you shouldn't be afraid to come here, or tell me about it, or think that I'd terminate the patient/therapist relationship?"

Nick nodded.

"Please remember that. And think before you jump with both feet."

Nick thought for the next two days. Kissing Phoebe with Leon seemed like a gift-wrapped package and he wanted to open it. He prayed a lot, too.

He trusted his friends not to pressure him into weird sex. Of course if he found himself wanting weird sex that might be a different issue, but he could deal with it then. He had plenty of practice at avoiding sex.

He'd always been a lot more comfortable with kissing, and here was a woman he actually wanted to kiss. Of course Leon came with the deal, but it wasn't like he wasn't attracted to Leon, and the other man hadn't even tried to kiss him, let alone suggest other stuff.

Thursday took forever to arrive, but by the time it got there Nick knew what he wanted to do. When they pulled up in Leon's truck, Phoebe scooted over to let Nick get into the front next to her. He fastened his seatbelt and leaned over and kissed her.

It was still really nice. He was having trouble getting used to the softness, but it wasn't unpleasant. She must have been eating lemon drops, since he could taste them on her tongue, and it added to the whole experience.

"You're a quick learner," said Leon. There was a little catch in his voice, like he was having trouble breathing. "Does anyone mind if we skip the meeting this week?"

"No," said Phoebe. "Nick?"

"I'm fine with that."

"We're getting pizza first," said Leon. "Then if we like, we can go to my apartment and hang out." He didn't add "make out", but Nick assumed that was what he meant.

They skipped the beer, and ordered a single pie with ham and extra cheese. No pepperoni, no onions. Apparently fresh green pepper was a strange thing to have on your pizza around here. Phoebe, who was a psychology TA, had a funny story about the freshmen in her section, and that occupied the meal. When they left the pizza restaurant Nick sat in the middle. It only took about ten minutes to get to Leon's apartment.

Leon lived on the second floor of a garden apartment complex, and there was no elevator. The three of them jogged up the stairs and Leon let them all in. His living room was neat, but didn't have a lot of personality. There were no pictures, and everything was plain and kind of cheap looking. Nick tried not to look at the blue plaid couch. Phoebe pressed herself against him and started to kiss his neck, and Leon was staring at them both as if he could consume them with his eyes. Nick decided to throw his hat in the ring.

"I think I want this, but I have absolutely no idea what this is."

Leon nodded. "I'm not sure what to call it either."

"Making out," said Phoebe, rolling her eyes.

"I'm a virgin," said Nick. "I was expecting to leave here tonight still one."

"I'm not." replied Leon, "but it's good to know that."

"I'm not really either," said Phoebe. "I've never had actual intercourse, but I've had plenty of sex."

Leon addressed Nick. "I didn't think we needed to do anything that needs a condom, but that really cements it. And of course, nothing that you don't want, or aren't sure about. And it's mostly us with Phoebe, not with each other, but I am going to need to touch you a little bit or I can't keep an erection."

Leon's blunt words broke the ice, and Nick turned to Phoebe and started to kiss her. They sank down onto the couch, with her straddling his knee and climbing him like a tree. Nick released her lips and spoke to Leon as he joined them.

"I like it when you touch me."

"Too much." Leon whispered in his ear. His breath made Nick shiver. Leon's arm was around the back of his neck, and he was almost cradling Nick and Phoebe.

"Yeah," Nick whispered.

"Feels good, doesn't it? Yeah, kiss her like that."

Nick did.

"Harder." Then, "Let me." Nick caught his breath when Phoebe's mouth left his and captured Leon's. He could watch that forever. Then Nick's hand was on his, guiding him to Phoebe's breast. The softness was a little less alien this time. The nipple hardened under his fingers, and she was pushing up her shirt to give him better access. She was making those breathy little noises again, and her body moving against him was driving him crazy, coupled with the hard solid feel of Leon pressed against his side.

She pulled her shirt off. "Bedroom," she said. "Unless anyone minds."

Leon shook his head. "Nick?"

"No. Yeah. I mean that's fine. The couch is a little cramped."

It took them a couple of minutes to get up, and they had started seriously shedding clothes. Phoebe shucked her jeans and started to unbutton Nick's pants as Leon drew Nick's shirt over his head. Their hands on him felt better than anything. Nick hesitated for just a moment. He might leave tonight still technically a virgin, but he was about to give a great deal of his innocence to this man and woman.

"You okay?" asked Leon.

Honesty was the best policy. "Yeah, I've just never been naked with anyone before."

"Oh, wow." said Phoebe. "I know you said you were a virgin, but we kind of thought you had had a boyfriend."

"I did. We just never did anything like this together. But I want to do this now. I'll tell you if I'm uncomfortable."

"Okay," said Leon. He let Nick help him with his own shirt, but put out a hand to stop him when Nick moved to his fly button. By the time they got to the bedroom, Nick and Phoebe were down to their underwear and Leon was still wearing his jeans. Nick hoped he was planning to lose them at some point, and then reined that thought in. The bedroom was reasonably neat, but Leon had forgotten to make his bed. The pillows smelled like him, and Nick inhaled the scent. Coupled with Phoebe's soft small hands running all over him, it was incredible. His cock was twitching and probably starting to leak a little. Leon was pressed hard against his back, and he could feel how hard the other man was, even through his jeans.

Leon grabbed his hand and guided it back to Phoebe's breasts, then over her stomach. Nick felt the elastic of her panties and soft fur. Leon whispered in his ear, "I want to show you what to do, if that's okay with you." Nick felt his balls clench.

"Oh, yes. Please," he answered.

Leon pushed his hand down in response. More fur and then warm slickness. Leon guided him to the little nub that he sort of knew must be there from Health class. That made Phoebe moan and twitch. It felt a lot less weird than he would have thought, and he loved the noise Phoebe was making and the rhythmic way she was moving under his hand. Leon kept up a litany of erotic instructions in his ear, pressed hard against his back, and clearly going along for the ride as Nick's hips started to move in time with Phoebe. Her natural lubrication had made both of their hands slick as well, and Leon's fingers slid against his, making it all better. Leon tried to guide his finger inside of her, and Nick hesitated.

"Go ahead, it's okay, you won't hurt me. Please. Please." She pleaded. "I've had lots of fingers in there, just no penises."

Nick snorted at that, but let Leon guide him in. She was hot inside and felt strangely elastic, but he loved the way she pumped on their fingers. Leon had Nick's thumb pressed against that little nub, too. He whispered in Nick's ear. "Oh, yeah, that's so good. Move like that. Make her come like that." Nick had no idea if she was close or not, but it felt incredibly good. Nick was aware that it was Leon who was really setting him on fire, but he was not even going to begin to complain about all of that warm responsive Phoebe in his hands. Then Leon removed his hand from Nick's, and hooked his thumbs into the elastic of Nick's underwear, pulling it down, but carefully not touching any of the parts of Nick that burned for Leon's hands. Then Phoebe was touching him and it was utterly devastating. Nick rocked into her hand and made helpless little cries. Right around the time he started wondering why he was going to have trouble coming from something that felt so good, Phoebe started to make noises like a small steam engine and her entire body went rigid.

"Oh, yeah, brother." Leon whispered. "You made her come. So good. Love watching you do that. Love watching you feel good. Phebes?"

"Yeah." She let go of him, slid down the length of his body, and then Nick's penis was in her mouth. Oh, my god. She could do that all week. It felt better than anything he had ever imagined. He still didn't think he could come. He thrust his hips experimentally. That was a little better, especially as he rocked back against the erection that had to be busting out of Leon's pants. Leon was still murmuring encouragement but was also nibbling his neck. Nick wasn't close, but he thought it just might be possible. Then Phoebe released him, giving the head a little kiss as she did so.

"Sorry, dude. My mouth gets sore fast. I'll try again in a minute."

"Dude?" said Leon. His voice was hoarse. "That's intimate."

"You called him brother a minute ago. That's just wrong."

Leon laughed. "Yeah. Phebes, you give lousy blow jobs."

"I'm a lesbian, what do you want?"

"I know, I know." Then more softly to Nick, "Can you come that way, babe? She'll do it a little more."

"I don't think so. I really, really like it but it's just not getting me there."

"It's okay. I think we can manage. Do you want to watch her do that to me for a minute?"

"Oh, yeah." Nick blushed. "You haven't really..."

"Don't worry about that. I've been having a good time. See?" Leon unfastened his pants. Nick didn't have much to compare it to, since his own was the only erect penis he had ever seen, but it was amazing. A little longer than Nick's, slender, slightly dusky, with a well-defined head that was dribbling. Nick's own cock jumped in response, and Nick wondered how it would feel pressed against that lovely thing that Leon had clutched in his fist.

Leon shook his head. "I know. I want to feel you against me too, but we can't."

"So that's why you kept your pants on." Phoebe climbed over Nick and settled between them. She leaned over Leon's thigh and took his cock into her open mouth. Nick held his breath. It looked amazing, particularly since he now had a sensation to associate with the act.

Leon groaned and said. "Oh, yeah, there's no way I'd trust myself pressed against your ass without pants. I'd be on top of you if not actually in you. Stroke yourself a little."

Nick did. Leon seemed to be enjoying himself, but when Phoebe popped him out of her mouth and climbed back over Nick, his erection seemed to have subsided slightly. Nick looked at him.

"I have trouble keeping it up with women." Leon answered the unspoken question. "Even Phebes."

"Irresistible lesbo fruit fly that I am.", she added.

"It feels good, but there's no urgency. I'm gay. I try to stay out of trouble, but there's nothing ex about me."

"I've been trying, but I don't think it's working. Not that I get into a lot of trouble."

"Well, I'm not trying to get you into any tonight. I'm going to take care of myself and I want you to watch me. I'd love it if you did the same." Leon's hand worked that slim cock, and Nick stroked himself one handed and stretched the other out to Leon, hoping that he'd like to hold hands while they did this. "Yeah, babe, that's fine. We can do that."

It didn't take long for that tightness to build in Nick's balls, and he knew he was close. Funny, it felt about sixty times better than jerking off usually did. He gripped Leon's hand and worked his hips into his own thrusting fist. There were various fun things he could do with his other hand when he was close, but feeling Leon's fingers closed over his absolutely beat all of them. He thought Leon was probably nearly there, since he was stroking himself faster and faster, really beating the hell out of the head of his cock, and there was something close to pain on his face. Just as Nick could feel the orgasm start to rise, he leaned over and kissed Leon on the mouth. The other man let him in, tongue eager and thrusting, and they were both there. Leon cried out into Nick's mouth, harsh and guttural as he came, and Nick thrust into his own orgasm. Come shot all over his hand and chest.

Leon's mouth pulled away from his. There was regret on his face, and Nick knew he shouldn't have kissed him. "Sorry."

"No, babe, it's okay. It's just; it's been a long time since I kissed someone like that." There was pain there. "Put your underwear on, and we'll have a group hug." Leon sat up and pulled his out of his jeans and wriggled the navy boxer briefs on. Phoebe climbed over Nick while he hunted for his own. They turned out to be at the bottom of the bed, inexplicably intertwined with Phoebe's purple bra. He handed it to her, and put on his underpants. Things were going to be kind of sticky, but that was what showers and laundry were for.

The three of them curled up together, Phoebe in the middle. Leon pulled the covers over them with a slim strong arm. Fall seemed to be coming earlier here than it would have in New Jersey, and the room was chilly. "Leon, are you okay?" asked Phoebe.

"Yeah," answered Leon. "Nick, you can kiss me if you need to. You're my friend, not some trick I picked up. Are you okay?"

"Yes. Does that mean you're asking me if I feel taken advantage of?"

"Exactly."

"No, I don't. Maybe I should, but I'm an adult and I knew we were going to mess around. I'm going to be embarrassed to tell my therapist, but that's okay."

"Mine is beyond shock at this point." said Leon.

"I don't have one" added Phoebe.

"Don't take this the wrong way," said Nick, "but do you guys, um, do this often?"

Phoebe laughed and kissed him. "No. One other guy, a graduate school buddy of mine, and it was not like this."

"Don't worry; we didn't pick you up at that meeting to seduce you." Leon reached out and tousled Nick's hair.

"Honestly, I'm not sure I'd care if you did. I like and trust both of you, and I get really tired of sex just not being an option for me, ever. This may be weird, but I'm still at least sort of a virgin, and I haven't been tempted into," he curled his fingers in air quotes, "'wicked homosexual acts.' I keep hoping for marriage and a normal life, but I don't think the right girl is out there for me."

Phoebe snuggled closer into him while Leon stroked his hair. "What was the story with your boyfriend? If you don't mind my asking?"

Nick answered her. "No, that's fine. We were together for a couple of years, but we never did anything but kiss."

"A couple of years?" asked Leon, sounding slightly incredulous.

"Yeah, I've always had those feelings, but I never thought it would be right for me to act on them, and he wanted to wait until we were married."

"Until you and he were married? To each other?"

"Yeah. He's Episcopal. They do that. His priest was fine with the idea. Even his parents were alright with it, although they thought we were too young and should wait a few years. I would have thought about it, but it just seemed like make-believe to me."

Leon laughed. "I'm sure it's not actually funny, but that really is something out of my experience." Then, more seriously, "What happened?"

"My parents found out. And then I had them, and my pastor, and some other people trying to persuade me that it was really, really wrong to be in love with another man and kiss him. Maybe even more wrong than if we'd just had sex. I believed them for a while, but now I'm not so sure." Nick thought about Michael, who never raised his voice, shouting 'Love isn't sin!'

Leon sighed. "I can't tell you if that's wrong or not. The Bible teaches us that sex between men is wrong, but I can tell you that it sometimes doesn't feel that way."

"I don't think love can be wrong." added Phoebe. "I don't know about kissing. I think any real objection there is that it would lead to sex. Someone thinking it's icky doesn't make it wrong."
Chapter Four

They lay in bed for another half an hour or so, talking about various things, and reluctantly got up and got dressed. Nick and Phoebe had early classes, and Leon, who was a department manager at a big box store, had to be at work early. Phoebe shared a house rental with several other female graduate students, and Leon dropped her off first.

"Can we pick you up again next week, or do you want to think about it?"

"No, you can pick me up. I like you guys. Both of you. A lot." He reached out and touched Leon's hand. "I didn't think that was just physical."

"No. It wasn't." Leon shook his head. "We're friends. And anytime you don't want more than that just say so."

"Okay. See you next week." He gave the other man a quick peck on the cheek, right next to that goatee that was indeed pleasantly scratchy, and hopped out of the truck.

In session Nick mostly talked about how school was going, since keeping on track academically was something he periodically had trouble with, and then, when they had about fifteen minutes left, said, "I'm still a virgin."

"Good. Was becoming not one an option for you this week?"

"I guess."

"And?"

"I went out for pizza with them again. We skipped the meeting and went to Leon's apartment and fooled around."

"But didn't have sex? With either of them?"

"No. It was mostly me with Phoebe again, although we did just about everything short of actual sex." Nick squirmed. "Leon held me, we touched hands, and I kissed him once."

"Did you feel pressured to have sex?"

"No. I told them I was a virgin and wanted to remain one. They were fine with that. I don't know what would have happened if I told them I wanted to um...have relations."

"Did you?"

"No. What happened was plenty."

"Too much?"

"No. I don't know. I don't think so. It's not how I expected something like that to happen, but it didn't seem, you know, strange or kinky."

Mark raised a bushy gray eyebrow.

"I know, that seems weird. But it felt safe. Like I was with friends, which I guess I was. And I guess it's being with a woman, without her expecting me to be like most guys are that way, and being with a guy, without actually, you know, being with him, sexually."

"Those things make sense. And while I don't think either of them are your best outcome, one or the other of those relationships, with one right person, might be something you decided was an acceptable alternative to complete celibacy."

"Not two people."

"What do you think?"

"I don't know. I feel like I could say no to the physical stuff without losing their friendship, but I don't want to. I don't feel manipulated or taken advantage of. I know most people would think it was strange, if not outright wrong, but I want to spend time with them, and I think I want to be with them that way again. Can I still come here?"

"Of course. Your therapy doesn't depend on whether or not I personally approve of a choice you've made, or think it's a good one for you, or a good one for a Christian."

"And I might need therapy more if I do something stupid."

Mark laughed at that, but neither confirmed nor denied it, and ended the session with a prayer, the way he usually did. Nick wasn't always sure how much the sessions did for him, but Mark never called him an abomination, or told him that Michael was surely elected to burn in hell, or any other crazy stuff. Knowing that he was welcome to come back even if he messed up was great. He had just told Mark he was planning to mess up, and he was still welcome.

Leon and Phoebe picked him up again on Thursday. Nick gave Phoebe a peck on the lips and Leon one on the cheek as he slid into the front seat. "I know this is weird, considering what happened last week, but I really want to go to our meeting tonight," said Leon.

"Sure," said Nick. "Are we still good for pizza?"

Leon smiled. "Definitely. And more than pizza, if you want."

"Probably. Depends on how guilty I feel after the meeting."

Phoebe laughed. "That may be the case for all of us."

"Well, I'll feel guilty if I don't go." Leon sounded a little sulky.

Nick looked at him. He didn't want to say anything, but he was a little surprised that Leon was that invested in it, especially since he had been clear that he didn't really consider himself an 'ex-gay'. And the meetings weren't that exciting. Nick would probably have stopped bothering by now if it weren't for Leon and Phoebe.

"Not from missing the meeting. From the various stupid things I sometimes do. It helps me focus on Jesus Christ and trying to lead a reasonably moral existence. I let myself forget that and I'm in a damn bar in Cincinnati trying to get fucked in the ass by some married guy." The self-loathing came through loud and clear.

"Hey," said Phoebe. "We've talked about that. Stop beating yourself up."

"Sorry, Nick. I didn't mean to lay that on you."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not. I have trouble keeping it in my pants for more than a few months at a time." They were outside the church where the meetings were held. Leon leaned his head against the steering wheel. "You're not going to want me near you after this. I'm lucky Phoebe lets me touch her."

"Hey!" Nick and Phoebe spoke with one voice. Nick reached over Phoebe and grabbed Leon's wrist.

"You said we were friends. I can be the judge of whether I want you near me or not. I'm not going to... um do that." Nick was having trouble actually saying the words. "And I know you weren't trying to get me to."

Leon shook his head. "Oh, no. My dear Lord Jesus Christ no. Not for a minute."

"So you've done stupid things. It took me three and a half years to get an associate's degree, in case you wondered why I'm the world's oldest junior transfer."

Leon raised his head from the steering wheel and gave him a weak smile.

"You're not corrupting me. Nothing happened last week that I didn't want. And I kissed you, not the other way around."

Phoebe interrupted. "Guys, we'll be late. We can have self-pity and misery later."

For once the meeting was positive and inspirational, and Nick could understand why people put themselves through it on a weekly basis. Leon had unwound a bit by the time the meeting was over, and the pizza mellowed him further. As they finished, Phoebe asked "Are we welcome at your apartment or do you hate yourself too much tonight?"

"Yeah, of course. Nick, do you want to come over?"

"Yes, if you're done beating yourself up."

"Yeah, I think I'm finished with that for the moment. Thanks for putting up with me."

They went straight into the bedroom. The bed was made this time, the pillows plumped neatly and the slightly coarse navy blue comforter smooth and straight on the bed. It was awkward for a minute or two, but as soon as his lips were on Phoebe's and Leon's arms were around him Nick felt at home and protected. The second time was less strange in a lot of ways, since it wasn't all brand new, and Nick was discovering what both he and his new lovers liked best and was comfortable with.

Nick had thought of himself as having no experience at all, but in reality, he had spent two years kissing and cuddling with one man every single chance they got, sometimes for hours. They might not have done much, but he was used to what he and Michael liked and the boundaries they had set. Leon's boundaries were completely different, despite the goal still being to be as close as possible without actually doing anything that crossed into sex. Being with Phoebe was like a voyage to a different planet, but Leon was a familiar conversation in a strange language. Necking was clearly over his comfort line, as was spending a lot of time face to face, but Michael would never have pressed into Nick's ass like that, or let Nick see him naked, or said anything as carnal as the instructions Leon clearly loved to whisper into Nick's ear.

Nick missed the necking, but he really, really liked the dirty talk and Leon pressed against his back. After the three of them were lying tangled and sated and redressed in just their underwear, he reflected that maybe all of those things were something he might want and maybe could get from another man someday. There had to be a guy out there somewhere who wanted Nick, and didn't want to lead an immoral lifestyle. And didn't think Nick's cautious fantasies were one. Part of him already wanted that man to be Leon, and Nick had a funny feeling that he was probably going to fall hard for this guy, but Nick also knew he had baggage that made Nick's look like an evening purse, and he wasn't really forthcoming about it either. At least Nick's feelings for Phoebe weren't complicated.

Phoebe didn't feel like getting out of the warm bed, and Nick didn't blame her. He didn't either, but he had no clothes and no toothbrush with him, and his roommate might worry if he didn't show up sometime before morning. He and Leon got dressed quickly and went out into the crisp air. Yeah, it definitely turned cold earlier here. It was just barely October, and the temperature was probably in the high forties. Of course it was almost midnight.

"Would it be weird to ask you to stay next week?" Leon asked once they were in the truck. Nick slid his hand across the bench, hoping Leon would take it. He did, but loosely.

"No, I'd like to. As long as Phoebe's good with that."

"She will be. She likes you."

"I like her. I'm not between you guys, am I?"

"No. We're more than friends, but it's not really like that. You know we don't screw?"

"I'd figured that out. You sleep in the same bed."

"Sometimes. We kiss. We occasionally get naked. Not much happens. And it's not because we're waiting for marriage."

"I figured that out too." He didn't ask why they bothered. It was none of his business, and he kind of thought Leon needed comfort anywhere he could find it. "You don't mind that I can..."

"What, stay hard with her?"

Nick nodded.

"No, of course not. I'm gay, not impotent. I can stay plenty hard with you. Or most guys. Even that idiot Phebes was hanging out with last year. He was straight and didn't want me to do anything but watch. And you may be having fun, but you can't come with her."

Nick flamed scarlet. "No. I keep hoping it might happen. I get really jealous of guys who can just; any pretty girl and they know it will all work. For waiting for sex being a choice."

"Tell me about it. I'm glad we met you though." Leon smiled at him, and even in the dark, Nick thought he might fall into those eyes and be lost forever.

"Next week?"

"Yeah, and bring a bag if you like."
Chapter Five

Nick did, after letting Jasper know that he was staying with friends and wouldn't be back until Friday morning. His sessions with Mark touched briefly on his unconventional love life, but they mostly talked about other things over the next few weeks. He stayed with Leon and Phoebe every Thursday night and once in a while on a Saturday if Leon wasn't working a closing shift. Late in October the three of them went to a Halloween haunted house at King's Island and got back to Leon's at three in the morning. Nick and Phoebe loved it, but Leon disappeared, and they found him outside on a bench looking a little shaken. He swore he was just tired, and wouldn't tell them what had set him off.

Nick had to go home for Thanksgiving. His parents had sent him a plane ticket, so that he wouldn't have to make the twenty-plus hour round-trip drive in one weekend, and there was no good excuse for his not going. Phoebe was going home too, since she couldn't avoid it either, and that left Leon alone for the holiday. He'd be welcome at Phoebe's, but he'd been there last Christmas, and neither of them wanted to get her parent's hopes up, or make complicated explanations. Phoebe's family knew she'd been with women, but seemed to think it was a phase she'd gotten over, and kept waiting for her to announce Leon was a serious boyfriend.

Nick didn't know the whole story with Leon's family, but knew that he had a brother in California that he got along with, and parents in Michigan that he didn't, but hadn't quite disowned him. There was no way Nick could take him home. Completely aside from trying to come up with another ticket, Leon had to work Black Friday, and Nick could just imagine the epic freak-out if he turned up for Thanksgiving with another man.

They wouldn't throw him out, but there had been moments during the whole Michael mess when he thought it would have been a lot easier if they had. He hadn't been resourceless. He'd been twenty, not seventeen, and Michael's parents had made it clear that he had a home with them and Michael if he needed one. In the end, he was glad his mom and dad hadn't set him loose, since they were his parents and he loved them, and he knew they loved him, but he hadn't had a moment's peace for months. They'd let him finish out that semester, but had taken his car back and made his little sister play chauffeur, much to her disgust, and the next semester his father had gotten him an internship at his company, and taken him back and forth with him every day. They'd taken his cell phone. They'd let him go to Michael's father's funeral, out of decency, but otherwise he'd been pretty much a prisoner until he'd started into the therapy that was supposed to cure him.

Of course, they paid for all of that stuff, and it was out of concern for him, not really to be punitive, but it was a ridiculous way to treat even a semi-adult. He'd agreed to the conversion counseling, since he'd never been comfortable with his feelings for men, and knew his life would be easier if he could just get rid of them. It hadn't worked, and had left him half a basket case, and feeling even worse about liking guys than he had before. Thank goodness for Greg. Nick's parents had listened to him, and then Pastor Brown had done a little research into the quack's "counseling methods" and that was the end of that particular craziness.

Nick thought he was going to have to have that conversation with his parents eventually; the one where he told them that they had a gay son and that wasn't changing, whether he chose to lead an actively homosexual lifestyle or not. He sincerely hoped it wasn't going to be the last conversation he had with them, but it was a possibility if he refused to move back and let himself become a house prisoner again. It probably wasn't fair to them to wait until he was done with the expensive schooling they were paying for, but he did want to be sure before he did that kind of bridge burning and found himself adrift and lonely on a major holiday.

The organization that hosted their meeting had a 'community Thanksgiving' for members with nowhere else to go, but it sounded horribly grim. On Tuesday, one of Leon's co-workers realized that Leon's parents weren't local and his girlfriend was going out of town without him and invited him to her house. Leon was inclined to turn down the invitation, but Phoebe and Nick bullied him into accepting it. Neither of them was happy leaving him, but at least if Leon had somewhere to go, Phoebe thought it was unlikely he'd do something stupid. Nick was left with the impression that driving to Cincy to get laid and subsequently hating himself for weeks was probably the most benign stupid thing that Phoebe thought Leon might do. He didn't ask about what some of the others might be.

They were both at the airport on Sunday night to pick him up. Nick didn't want to know what Leon had done to get out early enough to be there, but he was incredibly glad to see both of them, and to see that Leon looked well and sound. He hugged them both, and gave both of them a quick peck. He got a couple of strange looks, but he decided he didn't care. "Whoa, PDA." said Leon, but he didn't really sound like he cared either.

"I missed you guys."

"I can tell." Leon hooked an arm around him casually and squeezed and took Phoebe's hand. "We should take this to the truck before we frighten somebody. Want to stay tonight? I have to be at work at seven, and I'll run you to campus if you don't mind being up that early."

"No, I don't mind. It was a long weekend. I love my family, but it was a lot of togetherness, and not the kind I'd like right now."

Phoebe had a truly wicked chuckle and those gray eyes flashed with mischief. "It's been about ten days, hasn't it?"

Usually Nick only kissed Leon when he "needed to", which was usually when they were about to come. The other man responded, but he never initiated it. Why that was out of his comfort zone was one of those Leon mysteries that he figured Leon would share if and when he was ready to. That night in bed Leon seemed to want Nick to kiss him after they were done and the three of them were nestled in the covers together. They hadn't even bothered with the usual treasure hunt for their underwear, but just let themselves be naked together. They hadn't bothered to put Phoebe in the middle before they fell asleep either, since they had all been tired and needy, and when Leon's alarm went off at five-thirty, there was a very stiff part of Leon rubbing the small of Nick's back. Leon shut off the alarm quickly, without waking Phoebe, who was a sound sleeper and didn't have to get up early. "Sorry, babe. I wasn't trying to do that. Mostly a dream."

"Must have been a nice one."

"No, not really." He sat up, tucked the covers firmly in his lap, and leaned over and gave Nick a swift kiss on the lips. "Don't worry. Not about you. Those are mostly good ones."

"Do you need to do anything about that?" Nick gestured towards his lap.

"Don't have a lot of time. I do have a particularly wicked idea, though."

"What kind of idea?"

"Well, when I'm not in bed with you and Phebes I usually take care of these things in the shower."

Nick realized what he was suggesting. "Well, I have some business I could take care of too, and we could save time."

"And water."

Nick thought he was used to seeing Leon naked. And that he was used to the sight of Leon pleasuring himself. Their games in bed had not prepared him for a dripping wet Leon standing that close to him. It was unbelievably erotic. It was also a good thing that Leon's shower had a grab bar or one or both of them would have fallen and hurt themselves. Hopefully Phoebe wouldn't be mad when she realized how much of her conditioner they had used. Nick had never realized that it was good for that until Leon had dribbled the bottle over Nick's erection. It was actually incredible for that, and between that silky slipperiness, the heat of the shower, and the unbelievably hot sight of soaking wet man, he came harder than he thought he ever had in his life. He actually shot all over Leon's chest, completely by accident, and then Leon was shooting all over him. Nick thought he'd just about shouted when he came. He hoped they hadn't woken up Phoebe.

They had. She pulled open the shower curtain and said, "Guys, what are you doing? I thought one of you got hurt."

Nick was a little closer to recovered. "Showering. And jerking off. Got a little carried away." Leon was leaning against the shower wall on one arm and trying to catch his breath. Nick thought Leon might be a little freaked out, and it was a little embarrassing to be standing there covered in water, conditioner, and ejaculate attempting to explain the situation to Phoebe.

Phoebe shook her head and giggled. "Don't either of you watch gay porn?"

"No", said Nick. Leon shook his head. He seemed to still be beyond speech.

"Apparently showers do it for a lot of guys."

"Now I know that", groaned Leon. "I think I'm one of them."

"Me too."

"Well, I'll let you finish while there's still some hot water. Try not to use all of my conditioner up on your naughty bits."

They finished getting clean, being careful not to touch each other, and got dressed. Phoebe had made coffee and put on sweats. She looked at them thoughtfully, but didn't say anything.
Chapter Six

Nick thought they were both a little embarrassed by the shower incident, and didn't try it again, but it didn't affect what they had, together and with Phoebe. Leon had Thursdays off permanently, since he saw his therapist, who was the regular kind, not the Christian one, in the afternoons and went to the meeting at night. If not for that, Nick thought they'd never see him, since he was working six days a week, sometimes as much as ten hours or more at a stretch. He seemed to be okay, but that was a lot of hours and Nick knew Phoebe worried about Leon.

It snowed the first week in December, reminding Nick that he really wasn't in New Jersey anymore, where it almost never snowed before Christmas. His family had moved around a lot when he was little, as his dad climbed up the corporate ladder, but they'd been in New Jersey since he was thirteen, and he always thought of it as home.

He walked into his dorm room one Wednesday afternoon and found a foil pan of melting snow on Jasper's desk, studded with teeny, tiny Nazis. No Jasper. That was a little weird. Jasper did strange things, but he was neat, and he was obsessive about his war gaming figures. Nick assumed there was some really authentic reason for the snow, but it was unlike Jasper to leave the figurines to get wet.

He'd probably gone to the vending machine or the restroom, but it didn't hurt to check a little bit. He opened the door and checked the hallway, and then thought he heard a snuffling noise from Jasper's closet. Nick opened the door and there was Jasper. Nick was amazed he fit in there. He was clutching his laptop and looked like he'd been crying.

"Hey, Jasper, your Panzer Division is melting. Are you okay?"

Jasper shook his head. Nick had realized a couple of months ago that Jasper spoke so little at least partly because he had a significant speech impediment, and it took a lot of effort for him to speak clearly. It was probably almost impossible for him when he was upset.

Jasper handed him the laptop. There was an e-mail up. At first it appeared to be gobbledy-gook, but a second read revealed that the person who wrote it, one "Master Nicodemus", was sorry, but was only keeping female "pleasure slaves" in his harem from now on.

"Oh, Jasper, were you sleeping with this guy?"

Jasper nodded.

"How long?" Nick asked, hoping that the answer was a week, and knowing it wasn't.

"Five years." Jasper managed.

"Oh, guy. He broke up with you in an e-mail." Nick had never imagined something so rotten.

"I-I thought he loved me."

Nick found it hard to imagine anyone seeing Jasper in a sexual light, but tried to look at his desolate roommate with new eyes. He was huge, but he was at least as big as he was fat, and his skin was clear and he had liquidly grey eyes behind thick glasses and blonde curls. He spoke very little, but occasionally when he did it was to say something wickedly funny. He was so not Nick's type, but he supposed if you had a geek fetish, Jasper might appeal. He had no idea the man was gay either. Assuming he was, and hadn't just responded to the first creep who paid attention to him.

"Anyone who calls you his pleasure slave doesn't love you. At least not the right way." He had no idea what to do with the man. He couldn't just leave him in the closet and he wasn't even sure if he could get out by himself. Nick repressed the urge to laugh at that thought.

Leon was buried in several levels of retail hell, but Phoebe should be on campus and probably had some idea what to do. He stepped into the hallway and called her.

"Phebes, can you come over to my dorm? My roommate's ubercreepy boyfriend just broke up with him in an email and he's stuck in the closet. I know it sounds weird, but I don't know what to do."

"Sure. Give me a few minutes, and I'll be there."

"Thanks, Phebes."

Nick went back in their room. He found some Kleenex and handed it to Jasper. He had a really disturbing thought. Jasper had said five years. He was Nick's age or maybe a few months older.

"How old were you when you started with this guy, Jasper?"

"Eighteen."

"Not by much, I bet."

"A few weeks. I-I knew him for a while. I-I liked him, that way. A-aand then he noticed me."

"When you were old enough."

Jasper nodded. "I-I guess. We-ee were gaming one night, aa-and I staa-ayed laa-ate. He caa-ame up behind me and kii-iss-ssed me. I-II wanted to."

Phoebe stuck her head around the closet door. "Hi, what's up here?"

Nick hoped he wasn't violating Jasper's privacy, but he handed her the laptop. Jasper made no objections. It obviously took her a second read to make sense of it, and then she said, "Eeeww, what a creep. You weren't kidding."

"Five years. Although he was just old enough that this ass wasn't breaking the law."

"That's rotten. Hey, Dude, are you stuck, or can we get you out of there?" She extended her hand. It took both of them pulling, but they were able to wedge Jasper out of the closet. Nick still had no idea how he had gotten all of himself in there.

Phoebe looked at the pan full of Nazis and now mostly melted snow, but didn't say anything. Nick grabbed a paper towel and started gently taking out the little soldiers and putting them onto it. Jasper was sitting in a chair and sniffling into a fresh Kleenex, while Phoebe patted his shoulder.

"After Nick rescues your soldiers, we're going to take you down to campus health services and get you an appointment to talk to somebody. That was one nasty-ass way to break up with someone. He can't have been much of a prize as a boyfriend."

"I-II knew he was bi-iisexual."

"Bisexual is not the same as asshole. Someone who would do that is an asshole. Even without this "pleasure slave" crap. Even if you try to tell me you enjoy playing submissive, that's just creepy."

Jasper flushed red and shook his head.

"Come on, let's go down there."

They explained what was going on, and handed Jasper over. He emerged about twenty minutes later looking calmer, with an appointment to talk to someone the next day and a little patch of gauze on his arm. They offered to take him for a milkshake, but he wanted to get back to his soldiers and see if they needed to be retouched after getting wet. Nick figured that would be calming for him, and they let him go.

"Oh, fuck." Phoebe was shaking with anger. "What an innocent. And what a creep. I need a drink. Badly."

That was completely un-Phoebe like. They crossed across campus to the nearest bar and got a booth in the back. Nick ordered a beer and Phoebe got a rum and coke along with an order of incinerated ravioli.

"I'm sorry to drag you into this. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. You needed help. He needed help. Just, oh holy crap. He doesn't understand why they took a blood test and a cheek swab in there."

Nick looked at her.

"That bastard has been fucking him without a condom."

"Oh. Why would he do that?"

"Because he can. Why not? Who else is Jasper going to be fucking? Doesn't matter what Master Nicodemus might have picked up elsewhere." She shook her head and rested it on her hand. "And that Master crap. That kid's not a submissive, he'd just do anything that creep wanted him to."

Nick looked confused.

"I forget. You're almost as much of an innocent as he is. Just with a stronger sense of self-preservation. Some people like playing games in bed, controlling or being controlled. Like when Leon tells you what to do?"

Nick colored brightly. "Uhhmm," he stammered.

"That's very mild. And you both enjoy it. And it's consensual. And he'd never hurt you, or try to get you to do something that you found degrading or just didn't want to."

"No."

"And you're not even fucking each other." She made it a little bit of a question.

"Um, no."

"I know, I just wondered a little bit the other day with you two in the shower."

"That was an experiment. One of those things that seemed like a good idea at the time. Guys jerk off in the shower all the time, and we jerk off together all the time, and we didn't have a lot of time, and..."

"Next thing you know you've got gay porn going on in there."

"Pretty much. We didn't mean to wake you up."

She laughed. "It was kind of funny." She finished her drink and motioned for another round.

"Do you think he got too old?", Nick asked. "For the creep?"

"Maybe, or maybe he just got tired of him. Or neither, but he didn't like that Jasper was away at school and not under his thumb. Or has a new hottie who doesn't like him fucking men. Who cares? It's some completely creepy reason. The kid's better off. I can't get over the fucking e-mail, though."

"That was cold. I couldn't imagine someone being so mean."

"People get meaner than that. I think this guy stuck just to this side of what he could be prosecuted for, but I'm quite sure you don't want to ask Jasper about his sex life with this creep."

"Ew, no. That bad?"

"You were the one who wondered if he was old enough for this guy to be using him as a punch board."

"Yeah, it just, there was something wrong about that."

"Yeah, the wrong came through loud and clear."

She looked at him. "Are you freaked out?"

"Not as freaked out as you are." Nick squirmed a little bit. "Obviously this is one of those times when ignorance is bliss."

She smiled at him, and Nick, who knew he loved her, really, really wished he could fall in love with her right at that moment. "Nick, I know gay is hard for you, but you can't imagine how lucky you are that the first person you ever got involved with respected your beliefs and loved you back."

"I was, wasn't I? The second and third times too."

Her smile turned reflective, but she reached her hand across the table and squeezed his. "Leon and I are pretty lucky too."
Chapter Seven

Nick got back to the dorm just in time to get some dinner, and then went up to the room. Jasper seemed a lot calmer, and had the model enamel out so that he could touch up his Germans.

"Thank you," he said. His speech was much clearer.

"You're welcome."

"Thank her. Is she your girlfriend?"

"Um, no, not really." Nick hesitated for a minute. He had chosen this particular college, on Greg's advice, with the idea that he should be somewhere with out gay people on campus and a strong Christian presence. And maybe out gay Christians. Michael would have loved it. "I'm mostly gay. And a Christian. I don't have sex. With men or women."

"Okay." Just like that. Nick had come out to somebody. He sat down. That wasn't too bad. Of course Jasper was at least sort of gay himself. And not judgmental, but still.

Nick decided that it was okay to leave Jasper alone the next night, and kept his usual date with Leon and Phoebe. Leon looked exhausted, and they all decided to skip the meeting. They even skipped pizza in favor of Boston Market in Leon's kitchen. In bed their usual exploration seemed hesitant; especially in the way Leon held and nuzzled him.

"What's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"You've hardly touched me."

"How'm I better than that guy?"

"What guy?" Nick was confused. Did Leon think he'd suddenly found a boyfriend?

"That dill weed that seduced your roommate." Phoebe had filled him in on their adventures the previous day.

"Every single way I can think of. You're nothing like that guy." The room was dark, but Nick could hear Phoebe roll her eyes. He was surprised she hadn't chimed in yet.

"You're not okay with being gay, you're good at resisting temptation, and you were a virgin when I had to get my hands all over you. At least I haven't taken that from you."

"You mean I haven't given that to you." Nick sat up and prayed for patience. Someday Leon would tell him why he hated himself so much. "I've never done anything with either of you that I didn't want. Maybe the shower thing wasn't thought out, but it was consensual. You didn't seduce me, you didn't manipulate me, and I'm here with both of you because I want to be. Sure, I pray for guidance, since I know this is weird and there are days when I think it must be an error, but I'm in bed with you guys because I love you."

Okay, he had just really put it all out there. At least he hadn't mentioned that he might love Phoebe, but he was in love with Leon. That might not be a big, giant secret anyway.

Leon sighed. "I love you too. It makes me feel more rotten about maybe hurting you, not less."

Phoebe finally put her two cents in. "Leon, he knows you'd never hurt him intentionally. Trust me; you are nothing like that poisonous bastard. You didn't see the kid, or read the email. For the record, I love you both. It has been a long week, I have to proctor finals, god help me, and I would like to either go to sleep or do whatever we are calling what we do in bed and then go to sleep."

That gave Nick a fit of the giggles. It took them a few minutes to get into the groove, but once they were there, the usual pattern of pleasure took over. He liked touching Phoebe, but it didn't do as much for him without Leon as an active participant, and he'd only come with her once, in her mouth. It had been fun, but he had no idea how to make it happen again, and he loved masturbating with Leon while they held hands and kissed. He was starting to seriously wonder what jerking each other off would be like, but he wasn't sure he was ready for that, and Leon seemed so fragile sometimes that he was afraid to push the envelope.

Since it was December, they had been bothering with not only underwear, but pajamas, and they were careful to arrange Phoebe in the middle before they fell asleep.

On Tuesday, Nick told Mark about what had happened with Jasper. This precipitated a long discussion about manipulative and destructive homosexual relationships.

"Neither Michael nor Leon manipulated me, or tried to get me to do things I didn't want to."

Mark peered sympathetically over those gold rimmed glasses. "I know, but you realize it's an exception for that kind of relationship? You've been lucky and you try to make good choices, and both of them seem to be decent men plagued by unfortunate desires. Your friend's experience is a lot more typical." Nick doubted that, but held his tongue.

He changed the subject. "I told Leon and Phoebe I loved them."

"Oh?" Mark raised an eyebrow. "I'm assuming you didn't mean in the sense of Christian fellowship."

"No. Romantically."

"Equally?"

"Differently, but we didn't discuss it."

"Did they reciprocate?"

"Yes. We didn't really talk about it, but we fooled around afterwards and went to sleep." Nick looked out the window. It was snowing again and it wasn't even the middle of December yet.

"Do you think this can become a permanent arrangement?"

"Probably not. Phebes and I are still students. Who knows where we'll end up?" He didn't mention that Leon seemed terrifyingly vulnerable sometimes, or that he thought that Phoebe had needs that neither he nor Leon could fill.

Christmas loomed closer. Nick was going to have to go home again, and so was Phoebe. She wanted to take Leon with her, misunderstandings be damned, but he wasn't going to be free on Christmas Eve until at least 6 pm, which was ridiculously late to make the drive to Cleveland. Leon had made it impractical to travel more than a couple of hours away since he had volunteered to open on the 26th, as well as close on the 24th, so people with families could spend the holiday with them. It had torn Nick's heart into pieces when Leon had told them that.

Nick was planning to fly out late on the 23rd, so he could spend a little time with Leon and Phoebe after his last exam, although he had some trouble explaining to his parents why he wanted to stay over the weekend when he didn't have to. Wait until he told them he was going back right after the New Year, but he had to talk to Leon about that first, since the dorms were closed until the third week in January.

Phoebe was leaving early on the 24th, and would be back late on the 26th. So Leon would be alone for just a little over two days. Over Christmas.

By nearly unspoken agreement Nick and Phoebe had gone out and gotten a little table-top tree for Leon's apartment, and arranged for the three of them to open presents and have a nice dinner on the 22nd. It was a Sunday, and Leon was actually getting out at 6pm, although the store was open until Lord only knew when.
Chapter Eight

The last Thursday before Christmas was the 19th, and Nick came to pick him up alone.

"Hey, guy, where's Phebes?" Nick asked as he slid into the front seat and threw his knapsack on the floor.

"Out for drinks with somebody. This was the only time they were free."

"They?"

"She. Sorry. I didn't mean to play the pronoun game."

"It's okay. Phoebe likes her?"

"I think so."

Nick chewed on that for a minute.

"Babe, do you mind if we skip the meeting and just go get some pizza?"

"Not at all." Nick didn't ask about what was going to happen after pizza.

They settled into a quiet back booth in the first place the three of them had ever gone to and placed their order. Nick sucked thoughtfully on his straw and asked, "She's not going to keep struggling with this, is she?"

"The gay thing?"

"Yeah."

"No," Leon continued, "She's mostly tried because it would make her parents happy. I don't think she's ever really felt not right with God, the way I do, and I think you do at least sometimes."

Nick nodded. Their pizza came, and he waited until the waitress left. "Is it easier for women? There's nothing in the Bible about not lying with a woman as you lie with a man."

"Maybe. Romans is pretty clear, but it's not quite the same as being labeled an abomination."

Nick cringed a little bit.

"Someone called you that?"

"Those crazy counselors I told you about. You've been called that too."

Leon nodded. "Let's not have that conversation here. We'll go back to my house. You can go back to your dorm or I'll sleep on the couch so we don't get carried away, but this is not the place. And my truck's going to be cold."

They finished and got going. Leon stopped briefly and grabbed them a twelve pack of beer. Nick figured it was going to be the couch for one of them unless he called a cab.

Nick plugged in the lights on the little tree while Leon turned on some Christmas music softly and got them a bag of pretzels. They sat on the couch and Leon picked up where they had left off, his muscular legs tucked underneath him. His dark hair shone softly in the dim lighting.

"Yeah, I've been called that. Sometimes I believe it. Sometimes I don't." He took a long swallow of his beer. "Nick, are you thinking about giving up on trying to lead a biblical life?"

"Not entirely." Nick paused. "Two men can have a relationship without lying with each other."

"True, but I don't think two gay men can have a relationship without wanting to do that."

"Yeah, and I know men are not supposed to be filled with unnatural desire for each other, but is that any worse than staring at every hot ass on campus?"

Leon snorted.

"Or using Phebes as a substitute for each other? I know she loves us and doesn't mind, but it's not really fair to her, or to either of us."

Suddenly serious, Leon answered. "It's not. I'm sure your therapist doesn't think it's healthy. I know mine doesn't, and he's not bothered because it's kinky."

"Mine is bothered by the kinky part, but he doesn't think it's good for me, either. I wanted to have normal relationships with women. I'm so grateful to Phoebe for giving me a little taste of that, but that's not going to happen for me. God isn't giving me that, no matter how long I wait, or how hard I pray."

Leon got up to get them another round. "God isn't giving me that either."

"I know. I'm giving up trying. Not Phebes. I want that as long as she wants to, but I'm not going to waste time walking around campus waiting to feel like kissing another girl."

Leon gave him a wry little grin. "Yeah, that doesn't sound like fun."

"Probably wouldn't be for the girl, either, so instead of effort for nothing, I think I'd rather be celibate, or sort of celibate with a man. It's that or the rest of my life alone, and I just can't believe that is really what God wants for me. Maybe I can't have sex, but I want companionship. I want to have love."

Leon's voice was very gentle. "Do you think what you could have with another man is really love?"

"I've been told it wasn't, and maybe it isn't what a husband has with a wife, but it does feel like love."

"I know it does."

"My parents aren't going to be right with this when I tell them, but I think I can be right with God. I'm probably not going to tell them when I go home this time, but it's going to have to be fairly soon."

They were both empty again, and Nick got up to grab them each a third beer. He sat back down on the end of the couch, careful not to crowd Leon. "I can live with chastity, but I can't live with loneliness."

Leon was silent, but looked terribly sad. He leaned across the couch and covered Nick's hand with his own. Then, "I can't do that with you."

Nick nodded. It wasn't what he wanted, but it was kind of what he expected.

"Not because I don't feel that way about you. I'm in love with you. I wish I could give you that."

Nick looked at him. "You don't think it's a morally acceptable choice?"

"For you, yes. I think it is. Not for me. Not now anyway."

"Because you've had sex with men?"

"Partly. I think it does make it harder to give it up if you've done it."

"Makes sense," Nick flushed. "There are means of release. What we did before. Or even a little more if you want that. I like to kiss and cuddle, but we wouldn't have to, if you don't want to."

Leon looked even sadder, and his voice was incredibly gentle as he said, "I'd like to kiss and cuddle with you. I'd like everything that you said. I think you can make a moral case for it, and I just so, so hope you can find the man who can give you that and won't pressure you."

"You wouldn't."

"No, I wouldn't. It isn't that. It isn't even being afraid that I might mess up and have to tell you that I fucked someone else when I was lonely and you weren't here." Leon grew even quieter. "I thought I could have something like that once and I killed someone I loved."

"Killed someone?" Nick couldn't believe it.

Leon nodded. "Cam and I were nineteen. We were sophomores at a small Christian college, very strict. We'd been together for about a year. We weren't having sex, but we weren't quite as good as you and your Michael were. We took our clothes off and touched each other, but that was pretty much it. It was enough for us.

"We were careful, but his room-mate walked in on us in bed together and got the RA. We weren't naked, but it was clear we hadn't just been taking a nap.

Leon lifted his beer and swallowed half of it. "That was a Thursday night. We were scheduled for a disciplinary hearing on Monday, and we were pretty sure we were both going to be expelled. Cam knew his parents were going to disown him, and I wasn't sure that mine wouldn't. We talked about it, and we both went home for the weekend. I got my older brother to get me a fifth of vodka and Cam went into his parent's medicine cabinet and took out as many pills as he could find."

Nick closed his eyes. He was starting to see where this was going, and he ached for Leon as the other man continued.

"Valium and some migraine medication I forget the name of. We waited for the hearing. Cam was expelled outright, since he had a couple of previous infractions. The RA had seen a muscle magazine in his room, and he had some stupid curfew violation, too. I was suspended for the rest of the semester, with the proviso that I get some professional help before I tried to come back.

"We had twenty-four hours to pack and leave, but we didn't even go back to the dorm. We'd put a bag in Cam's car with the pills and booze and a couple of other things in it."

Leon looked at Nick and smiled wryly. "We didn't figure we'd need much where we were going next. We got a motel room, spent about an hour writing notes, and got into one of those beds and made love every way we'd ever heard or thought of. After that we split the pills, washed them down with the vodka, and got back into bed with each other.

"The maid found us the next morning. Cam was already gone, but I just had a pulse. They nearly lost me twice in the ambulance. I spent the next four days in a coma. When I was discharged from the hospital I went straight to an inpatient facility, where I spent the next 30 days.

"I couldn't go to his funeral. I was still in the hospital, and his parents were howling for my blood. They were, and probably still are, convinced that I poured the vodka, and the pills that came from their house, down their son's throat and had my wicked way with him after he was unconscious. And forged all of those notes in his handwriting. After I left the mental hospital, I did plead to assisting a suicide, since I brought the vodka, and I got 50 hours of community service. I didn't care. I'd probably have let that DA send me to jail."

Nick put his hand on Leon's and took the empty beer bottle out of it with a squeeze. "Oh guy, I am so sorry." Nick went and got two more beers for them. "You loved him."

"Yeah, losing him was absolutely the worst part, even worse than the guilt. When I woke up in the hospital I had a tube in my throat and I couldn't talk. My brother was sitting with me, and all I had to do was look at him. He knew what I wanted to ask, and he told me." Leon was holding the beer, not drinking it, and tears were running down his face.

Nick slid over, put his arms around him, and shushed him quietly. "You didn't kill him. It's messed up, but you didn't kill him. He killed himself. And I am so, so glad that you didn't succeed in killing yourself."

"If I hadn't been committed I'd probably have finished what I started. There are still days when I want to." Nick wasn't surprised. This must be what terrified Phoebe so much when they had to leave Leon alone at low ebb.

Nick held him tightly and rocked him. "I'm here. I can't tell you it's okay, but I'm here with you."

"I still miss him. I dream about him all the time."

Nick kept holding him and trying to make soothing noises. "He's with God, Leon. You have to remember that. And God still wants you here."

Leon shook his head. "Is he? After that?"

"Of course he is. Faith alone, guy. God will forgive anything. That's not so much to forgive. He's with Jesus Christ. You have to remember that. Phoebe is going to kill me for getting you upset."

Leon chuckled feebly. "Don't worry, we won't tell her. I should have told you before this. You must have wondered what was going on with me a few times."

"Why you hate yourself so much? Yeah."

"And you understand why I can't let myself be with you."

"No, actually, I don't. Let me get this straight. I love you, you love me, and we want to be with each other."

Leon nodded.

"Why not?"

"I don't know. Because I let my boyfriend die? Because I can't keep it in my pants and I have nasty anonymous sex in parked cars and I'm not sure I can trust myself to be faithful to you? Because there are days when I want to slit my wrists, even now? Because you probably can't even imagine what I'd like to do with you every time I touch you? Pick one."

"Are you sure you love me?"

"Yes.", answered Leon, sounding deflated.

"Stop pushing me away. Phoebe really is going to kill me. The only part that I really didn't know before tonight is that your boyfriend died and you feel responsible. Everything else I knew or could guess."

Leon leaned against him and Nick folded him into his arms. Leon was crying silently again, and then Leon was kissing him and burrowing into his embrace. They sat on the couch like that for a long time. At first he just wanted to comfort Leon, and then Nick started to feel himself stir and knew Leon was as well. The other man pulled away a little and said, "Are you sure you want this?"

"Yes, but nothing we haven't done already."

"No, not tonight, babe." They got up and turned the stereo off, and went into the bedroom.

It was a little strange without Phoebe, since all the focus was on each other, and they were just a tiny bit drunk. Their shirts had hit the deck in the living room, but they were still in their jeans, and they just stood at the foot of the bed for a few minutes, kissing. Nick explored Leon's face with his hands and looked into those bottomless hazel eyes. He thought some of the pain was fading. "You never let me look at you when we're close. I like to do that."

Then they got into bed slowly and lay face to face, still in their jeans, still kissing. Nick wasn't sure what to do with his hands, since he'd usually be touching Phoebe by now, so he let them roam gently over Leon's bare chest, twining his fingers in wiry dark curls, and cautiously rubbing one of those pale brown nipples. It hardened the way Phoebe's did, but flatter, not as pointy. That was rewarded with a sharp intake of breath, and then Leon flipped him onto his side, and pressed against him, running his hands up and down Nick's chest, and pulling them away just before they reached the waistband of his jeans. Then Leon was nuzzling into his neck, and starting that delicious, dirty litany.

"You like that, don't you."

Nick nodded.

Leon was pressed hard against his cheeks, and was thrusting hard against them. Nick could feel the other man's erection even through all of those layers of clothes. "Like me up against your ass like that. Like my tongue in your mouth. I'd like to fuck you, but I don't even need to fuck you to make you come."

Nick melted. Leon had never said anything quite that raw before. He wasn't sure if Leon was trying to scare him a little as well as turn him on, but it was wild. He supposed it wasn't anything they hadn't done before, but instead of the usual steady rhythm at his back and the detailed instructions on making Phoebe come, he had a wild man pounding against him, and an incredibly inventive scenario being whispered in his ear. Leon was right. Nick hadn't imagined half the things Leon wanted to do to him.

Nick could feel his balls tighten. He was going to come. He wasn't even going to get his pants off. Leon clung even more tightly to him, trying to ride the crease of his ass, and Nick hooked an arm around Leon's bicep to try to get him even closer. Nick didn't know if it was because they'd been so emotional before or if they felt free to get rougher and wilder without Phoebe, but it had never been anything like this. It made the shower seem tame. Leon bit his neck and then it was all over. Nick came groaning in his pants, and Leon, who must have gotten a button undone, was shooting warm and thick all over Nick's lower back.

Then they did take their pants off, and lay next to each other in their underwear. Nick had thought they were finished, but then they started kissing again. It was gentler this time, but just a few minutes of that, lying there in their underwear and being very careful not to press their bodies together made jerking off while kissing and holding hands seem like a wonderful idea. This was more familiar than the wild passion of a few minutes before, and it felt as comforting as it was erotic. Nick nearly wept when he came, it felt so good, and he felt so close to Leon. After that they fell asleep, spooned against each other.
Chapter Nine

"I must have missed the party." Phoebe's voice was dryly amused. Nick opened his eyes slowly. He could see Phoebe's shadow moving around the room and the bedside clock read that it was a little after two. "You guys left the Christmas tree on. Not to mention the beer bottles and the trail of clothes."

"Oops", he said. "Shh, we don't want to wake Leon. He needs some sleep."

"Leon's awake," came from the darkness next to him.

"I thought you were too, or I'd have been quieter. Sorry."

"It's okay."

"I didn't know if you'd be here or not or I'd have gone home."

"No you wouldn't," said Leon.

"Yeah, I'd have stayed where I was. Where do you guys want me?"

"Next to me is probably safest." said Nick.

"Is this bed full of wet spots?"

Leon chuckled. "They're probably dry by now. I didn't ask what you've been doing."

"You know what I've been doing." Her warm softness settled next to Nick. There was a faint overlay of perfume on top of regular Phoebe smell. He buried his nose in her hair.

"Nick, why are you sniffing me?"

"You smell good. I like that perfume."

She started to giggle. "You know that's not mine."

"Oh."

"I'll tell her my crazy gay boyfriends like it."

"First you have to tell her about your crazy gay boyfriends." Leon added.

"Shut up." Phoebe groaned and threw a pillow at him.

Leon needed to get going ridiculously early the next morning, and Phoebe said she'd take Nick back to campus since his last exam wasn't until noon.

"We should get you a key for here," she said as she locked up.

"I'd like that if Leon's okay with that."

"I'd be surprised if he wasn't." She gave him a sharp look as they got into her car. "You know he's in love with you? Did you tell each other that last night?"

"Sort of. He told me about Cam."

She sighed. "Good. It's hard for him to talk about that, but you needed to know."

"It explained a few things. He seems to think it's a good reason to push me away."

"He would." They were at a red light and she turned to look at him. "Don't let him if you can. He needs you."

"I need him."

"Good. He needs someone to need him. A couple of confused kids thought they were out of options and he thinks he needs to pay for it for the rest of his life with every bit of happiness he might ever get."

"That was obvious."

They were in front of his dorm. She kissed him and said, "Good luck with your exam. I'll see you on Sunday."

He thought he did pretty well on his last final. The whole semester had been pretty untraumatic academically, which wasn't always the case for him. Jasper wasn't going home until the next day, and he actually talked the guy into going out caroling on campus with him. The dorm was quiet Saturday night, but it wasn't actually officially closed until noon on the 24th, since a few people actually had exams on Monday. Saturday night he hung out down the hall with a handful of hangers on, mostly foreign students and a couple of the lucky ones who still had finals.

Phoebe came to get him fairly early on Sunday afternoon so that they could have dinner ready and make Leon's rather sterile apartment look warm and welcoming. He brought his bags with him. He was leaving his car at school and flying back to New Jersey since it had just seemed easier, and his mother had worried about him driving in potential snowstorms. His family was going to Bermuda from the 26th until just after the New Year, anyway, so it wasn't like he really needed it in New Jersey. If Leon said no, he'd just borrow his sister's if he needed to go somewhere.

They made way too much food. Nick still ate like a teenager, and Leon was going to be alone over Christmas. At least they could leave him a houseful of leftovers. A whole turkey had seemed excessive, but they had a turkey breast, and about sixteen side dishes, a pumpkin pie, a gingerbread house, and more junk food than it seemed possible three people could eat even if they were stuck in the house for a week.

They vacuumed and actually set the table, and Phoebe had rustled up a couple of poinsettias and a bunch of fake mistletoe from somewhere. It still didn't look like anyone's family home, but it was an improvement. Phoebe stood and surveyed the results, her hands on her hips. "I wish he'd stop being such a transient in his own life. I don't think there's anything in this place that didn't come from Wal-Mart or a yard sale except his clothes and his books."

"Well, he can't be the only person who gets stuff from those places," said Nick, whose experience of either of them was extremely limited.

"No, but most of those people have personal possessions. I've known him almost three years, and he doesn't have anything. He works in a store, for cripes sake, and I don't think he's ever bought anything there except clothes and presents."

Nick thought about it for a minute. He didn't have a lot of crap, since he had to drive it from New Jersey, and there wasn't exactly a lot of extra space in the room he shared with Jasper, but he had family photos, a few mementos, like the stuffed monkey Michael had won for him at a fair, and stuff that he had picked out because he liked it. About the only thing you could tell about Leon from his apartment was that he liked the color blue. No pictures, no photos, no souvenirs, no decorative things at all.

"I see what you mean. Could we get him stuff?"

"Well, not now. I should have before now, but I never knew what to get. I mean, he's not really the type for snowman dish towels."

"Everyone needs snowman dish towels."

Phoebe laughed. "I guess you have a point there. He'll be home soon. Let's get that turkey out of the oven so it can rest a little before we carve it and I can take the stuffing out. We really did go overboard with the food, but at least we won't have to worry about him not eating while we're gone. When are you coming back?"

"I'd like to be back on the third, assuming that my parents don't lock me in the basement. I can change my ticket easily, but my dorm is closed until the 21st."

"So you need someplace to stay. I think Leon can be persuaded."

"I wasn't sure if he wanted me here."

She snorted. "You mean you weren't sure if he would let himself want you here. It's really not the same thing."

"It can feel the same."

"Yeah, I bet it can. I don't want to tell you he's never pushed me away, but he doesn't usually try as hard with me as he does with you."

Nick looked at her.

"We care about each other, and it's not easy for Leon to let anyone in, but I'm a woman."

"Um, I had noticed that."

"And he's gay. And I know you know that, too. So no matter how close we are, it's different."

Nick nodded.

Then Leon was home and they were getting food on the table. He looked exhausted. Nick went around behind his chair and put his arms around him and kissed him on the cheek. "Guy, are you okay? You look so tired."

"Yeah. I just can't wait for Christmas to be over. Funny, I used to love it."

Nick kissed him again and sat down. Leon ate with enthusiasm and started to unwind a little and Nick was glad they had gone overboard on the groceries. The gingerbread house acting as a centerpiece got him to crack a smile.

"You guys got a little carried away. What are we going to do with that?" He gestured at the cookie construction.

"Tear it into pieces and eat it while we open presents." answered Nick. "I ordered it off the internet. It's full of candy, too. The roof is a lid."

"I always thought you just looked at them." Leon laughed.

"Not in my house. We all like gingerbread."

"I like gingerbread, and we've never had one. I hope it tastes half as good as it looks," added Phoebe.

After they ate, Nick carried it over to the couch and made good on his promise to disassemble the treat house. They had dimmed the lights and turned the tree and the stereo on, and it felt good to be there with these two people.

They had all gotten some small silly presents for each other, and one real one each. Nick hadn't been at all sure what to get, since as important as they both were to him, he hadn't known them that long and he knew there were still a lot of things that they didn't know about each other. Also, courtesy of his parents, Nick had more disposable income than either of them. Phoebe mostly lived off of student loans, and Leon supported himself reasonably, but didn't have a whole lot left over. They hadn't talked about limits, but Nick knew neither of them could spend hundreds on him or each other.

He'd found a pair of small gold hoops for Phoebe that he knew she would wear, and he thought were nicely between a serious boyfriend present and something a buddy would get her, and inexpensive enough that she wouldn't feel awkward receiving them. Leon had been a little harder to shop for. Finally he saw a green cashmere sweater with little tawny flecks that he knew would be amazing with Leon's eyes. Nick was never, ever telling either Phoebe or Leon how much he had paid for it.

Leon had gotten the three of them tickets to see Third Day in February. This was definitely a sop to Nick and Phoebe, since he tended to lean more towards Nickel Creek and AKUS. Phoebe produced a gorgeous crimson sweater for Nick, and a silver ID bracelet for Leon. Among the small stuff, Leon had given Nick a keychain with a cross and a heart hanging from it. Nick looked up and met Leon's eyes. He swore he thought his heart was going to burst.

It was different in bed that night. Not only because both he and Leon seemed to be much more comfortable kissing and touching each other, but because Nick was aware that this might be the last time with Phoebe. They hadn't talked about the woman she had seen on Thursday night, and Nick didn't know if it was serious or not, but he suspected that Phoebe didn't do a whole lot of casual, and didn't figure that she planned to cheat either

Leon had to work at the crack of dawn again, and Phoebe took Nick to the airport. She had mentioned casually at dinner that Nick was coming back on the third and staying with Leon until his dorm reopened for the spring semester, and Leon had accepted it as a fait accompli. She handed him a set of keys as they got out of the car at the airport.

"I had these made yesterday. Leon knows I'm giving them to you. At least one of us will pick you up at the airport, but you should have them just in case you needed to let yourself in."

Nick put them on the ring with his car, house, and dorm keys. He already had the cross and heart attached, and he put the keys to Leon's apartment closest to it.

"Thanks. I'll be in touch and let you guys know my flight information. I'll be out of the country from the day after Christmas until the first, but you can text me if there's an emergency. I'll call both of you on Christmas day."

She walked him to the security line. "Take care of yourself. I know you fly a lot, but I worry about you coming back to us."

"I'm planning on it. Take care of Leon for me and yourself too." He kissed her good-bye and got in line.

His flight was about as uneventful as it could possibly be at that time of year, and his brother was there to pick him up at Newark. Paul was in law school, and was full of stories, which saved Nick from talking much about his own life. Nick wasn't sure how much he actually knew about what had happened a couple of years ago since Paul had been away at school and their parents certainly hadn't treated it as an open family topic. No matter what Paul did or didn't know about Nick and Michael, Nick could not imagine telling him that he was dating two people. Or in love with a man.

It was good to be home, but kind of strange, too. Nick still had at least a year and a half, but almost everyone he had gone to high school with had graduated from college already, or at least moved on to the next stage of their lives. He called a couple of people to say hello and let them know he was in town, but it wasn't like he was planning to hang around for the rest of winter break.

He was happy enough to see his parents, but by Christmas Eve he was starting to think that they deliberately avoided asking him questions that they might not like the answers to, like anything at all about his social life. He guessed it was an improvement over the third degree, but he wasn't used to avoiding topics of conversation with them. Even when he was seeing Michael, he hadn't been all that sneaky; he had just avoided telling them that the two of them were in love with each other. Trying to be secretive about the number of minutes they spent on his cell phone had led to the brilliant idea of having Michael call him on the land line. And of course his mother had picked up an extension at the very moment he and Michael were telling each other how much they loved each other.

Nick thought his mother was as eager to avoid a repeat of that incident as he was. He'd never done all that well in school, although he mostly tried, but other than that he knew his parents had thought of him as the easy kid until the gay thing blew up. Not that either of his siblings were difficult, but Jessica was a bit of a drama queen and liked to push limits, and Paul had gotten into various minor trouble as a teenager and had dragged a long procession of absolutely stunning girls into the house without ever getting serious with any of them. Apparently as long as Nick got decent grades at his new school and didn't bring men home he had gone back to being the "easy one".

That was a bit of a relief. He probably was a coward, but he didn't mind putting off that conversation for a while, and they didn't seem to be inclined to lock him in the basement. He had no trouble slipping off to his room to call Leon and Phoebe on the 25th to wish them a Merry Christmas. Leon sounded okay, Phoebe tipsy and surrounded by chaos. His excuse that he had therapy appointments he didn't want to miss and a couple of buddies he wanted to hang out with was accepted without comment when he told his parents that he was going back to school three weeks early.

His mother loved Christmas and did it right. There were four trees in the house, lots of presents under the big one in the family room, a giant gingerbread house, and all of everybody's favorites on the table. Nick had a good time and tried not to worry about Leon.

He'd had enough togetherness by the time they got into Newark late on the first of the year. Jessica had drunk a little too much one night in Bermuda and told him she was sleeping with her boyfriend. She had also been completely shocked when he told her that he was still a virgin, since she was aware that she had spent two months chauffeuring him back and forth to school since he had been caught being gay. He could understand why she might have thought that involved sex, but really, just TMI.

His mother took him to Newark on the third. She didn't seem to be completely sure what to say to him in the car. Finally, as they parked, "You like it there, don't you? At school?"

"Yeah, I like the school. I like the town, too. I'm really glad Greg suggested I apply there. I don't think I'd have been happy at one of the places I thought I wanted to go. Too rigid."

She was silent for a moment, although she looked like she wanted to ask something.

"I'm happy at school. I'm not lonely, Mom."

She relaxed a little bit. "Good."

The flight was a little bumpy, but otherwise boring. Both Leon and Phoebe were waiting for him when he walked out of the gate. Nick was making a habit of frightening half the airport. He threw himself into their arms, but controlled himself enough not to actually kiss Leon on the mouth.

They caught up on the drive home. Phoebe had brought her new girlfriend over to Leon's on New Year's and the three of them had hung out together. Her name was Angie, and Phoebe promised to have Nick meet her as soon as possible.

They had stopped and gotten a junk food feast from a drive through on the way home from the airport, and they ate in Nick's kitchen at the battered oak table. Phoebe rose to leave, and kissed both of them.

"Good night, guys. Don't get into too much trouble." Then she left them alone.

Leon looked at him. "I think we're officially a couple. Are you sure this is what you want?"

Nick nodded. "Yeah, I want you." He knew how true it was as he said it. "I love you and I want to be with you." He didn't add "maybe forever", but he thought Leon probably knew that. "Just, I know we talked about it before, but there are things I won't give you. I can probably never give you all of it. Are you sure this is what you want?"

Nick waited for Leon to push him away. The other man reached out and took Nick's hand across the table. "Yes." He sighed. "You can't imagine how badly I've wanted it. I know I don't deserve this, but God sent you to me." He smiled, and it reached those beautiful eyes, sending gold sparks dancing in them. "The other... Don't worry about it.

"Except for Cam," he swallowed, "it never meant anything and it never felt anything except wrong. Something I did because I just had to get some relief and my own hand wasn't enough. You in my bed?" He swallowed again and his eyes were fierce. "As much or as little as you're comfortable with is enough for me. And we're taking it slowly. All of it, not just..." Leon gestured wildly.

"The physical part." Nick supplied.

"Yeah, I don't think Cam and I ever really imagined a future together." Nick saw the pain in Leon's face again and suddenly prayed for some way to make it possible for Leon to mention his first lover's name without it hurting like that. "The last five years I've never thought I could get anything from a man except a drink and a quick fuck. I thought that was all I was ever going to get. Phoebe's been there for me, but..."

"I know." Nick stood up and walked over to the other man and just put his arms around him. "We'll figure it out, and if we don't figure it out, we'll be the richer for having tried."
Chapter Ten

They started to kiss, there in the kitchen, and for once Leon didn't hold back. "So beautiful." he murmured. "I haven't told you I love your green eyes." He kissed the base of Nick's neck, plunging his tongue into the hollows by Nick's collar bone, and trailing his tongue up behind Nick's ear.

Leon was wearing a blue plaid shirt, not really heavy enough for the weather in Nick's opinion, and Nick started to unbutton it slowly. Leon's nipples were already erect with the cold, and Nick started to rub them. He wondered if they'd harden further under his tongue the way Phoebe's did. He pulled away from Leon's inquisitive tongue and tried it. Leon made an otherworldly noise, and slammed Nick against the refrigerator, placing his hands against it to brace himself as he rubbed and thrust his nipples into Nick's mouth first one and then the other. "Oh my word, Oh, babe, you can't imagine how good that feels. Oh, my."

Nick had his hands around Leon's back, the better to pull those mocha disks into his eager mouth. Their legs were entwined and their erections were almost touching. Nick could feel Leon against his thigh, engorged and needy. He wanted more. He slid his hands down to Leon's firm ass and pulled the other man into him. What the heck, they had clothes on. And he and Michael had avoided anything active, but they had certainly felt their hard-ons between them. Nick knew he had a lot of control, but as Leon's jeans covered penis pressed against his own the vague thought passed through his head that Michael must be just about superhuman.

Oh, my everything. Nick couldn't not move. He thought Leon was going to drive him right through the refrigerator and into the wall. Their erections ground together, and his jeans felt like a vise. That little spot between his balls and his stomach coiled and tightened. Leon was begging and pleading wordlessly, and then arched his back and emitted an eldritch shriek, his entire body vibrating with his climax. Nick followed him over the edge, his vision grainy and dark around the edges.

They must have slid to the floor, since that's where they were, still pressed against the refrigerator, when Nick became aware of anything except the aftershock of orgasm and the sound of Leon's heartbeat. "That was slow?"

"Why do you think I'm so careful about touching you? And I have a bed. We could get up."

"We need a shower."

"We do." Leon's eyes had a wicked gleam.

"Do you think we could avoid gay porn this time?"

"Only if we want to. I don't have to be at work until two tomorrow."

They weren't recovered enough for anything to happen in the shower except some cautious touching as they washed each other. Dressed in just sweats and cuddled into bed watching TV led to renewed vigor. Raw and erotic as things had suddenly become between them, they were still being careful about boundaries, and they had their second climaxes lying comfortingly close to each other, kissing and holding hands, and pleasuring themselves. Nick wanted to suggest that they masturbate each other, but there was time for that. What had happened in the kitchen had been absolutely explosive in a way neither of them had been prepared for.

When he woke up, curled into Leon's back with his morning erection pressed against the other man, it seemed the most natural thing in the world to kiss him awake, and then suggest that they do it again. This time Leon pulled him so close that they were nearly touching; their spare arms wrapped under each other, sharing each other's breath with every kiss. Nick was starting to really like it when they came upon each other's skin, and he deliberately directed that creamy splatter onto Leon's chest. Leon hadn't been trying to paint Nick the same way, but there was a warm, sticky trail of Leon on the flat planes of Nick's stomach.

Leon grabbed a fistful of covers, stuffed it between their groins, and rolled onto Nick to kiss him, trailing a finger through the ejaculate on Nick's abdomen. "Kind of a mess."

"Hmmm. I'll need a shower."

"Me too. Maybe not together though."

"Later," said Nick. "We have plenty of time."

"Seventeen days before your dorm opens."

"Yes, but that's not the kind of time I'm talking about."

Leon sighed. "I know. It's early yet. Are you still sure you want to take that kind of chance on me?"

Nick leaned up and kissed him fiercely. "It's no chance. I love you. I know..." His voice trailed off. "There are things that you're afraid might get the better of you."

"Yeah, sometimes. And you're young and beautiful and not damaged like me." Leon's finger traced the shape of Nick's mouth.

"You're not even three years older than I am. And I'm not a prize either. I left you on Christmas. And I can't tell you it's never going to happen again. Not only can I not take you home with me, I can't even tell my parents you exist."

"Babe, I haven't spoken to either of my parents in two years. Trust me, I can't tell them about you either."

Nick laughed. "We're not exactly a gay pride parade, are we?"

"No, we're not, but maybe we can make this work." Leon kissed him again and got up to get in the shower.

Nick had Leon drop him at his car on his way to work. He got himself a little lunch, and then went to the big thrift shop behind the Wal-Mart and did a little shopping.

Placemats and some cheap prints of sailboats in eighties white lacquer frames. Dish towels, but blue and white check ones, no snowmen, mugs with more sailboats, glasses with drinks recipes and little tchotchkes of varied descriptions. Leon might hate it, but when he was done, it looked like someone lived there.

"Wow." said Leon when he got home a little after ten. "What have you been up to?"

"Trying to make it look like someone lives here. I can take the stuff away with me when I go back to the dorm if you don't like it."

"No, it can stay. You figured out that I like blue?"

"Not hard. The only things in here that are any real color are blue."

It was now officially slow season where Leon worked, and he was not only working a more normal schedule, he was actually able to take a couple of extra days off. One of them they spent mostly in bed, and the other they went to the mall. Phoebe came over with Angie a couple of times. She was sweet, but Nick wondered if she were really the one. He thought that she had given Phebes some grief over going to bed with two gay men, as well.

Nick occasionally missed her in bed, and he suspected that it was more than occasional for Leon, both in bed and out of it. Gay or not, they'd been boyfriend and girlfriend in just about every way that mattered for nearly three years.

The seventeen days flew by, and Nick had to move back to the dorm. Leon had cleared a drawer for him, and he left some stuff there for the one or two nights a week that he stayed. He missed sleeping with Leon every night, but Nick thought they needed some distance before they decided to live together, and it was easier to get homework done without the distraction of beautiful man moving around the apartment.
Chapter Eleven

One night in February Leon scared the life out of him. It had been horribly cold for weeks, and it was at that point in winter when it seems like spring will never come. He knew Leon had been a little depressed, especially after they had gone to see Third Day and no longer had the concert to look forward to. Even Nick had talked at length with Mark about how the miserable weather was grinding him down. Nick had eaten dinner at the dorm, since he had wanted to go to campus fellowship, and drove to Leon's after it was over.

The minute he let himself in, he knew something was wrong. Kitchen light on, living room off, no TV, no stereo, and where the hell was Leon?

On the floor, between the couch and the coffee table. He had probably started out on the sofa and rolled off. There was a mostly empty bottle of cheap vodka and a glass on the table. Nick's heart flew into his mouth. Leon wasn't a drinker, even a secretive one. No pill bottle next to the vodka, thank you Lord Jesus Christ and the vodka was the kind that came from the grocery store, so it wasn't as strong as the regular kind.

He figured he was probably going to have to call 911, but he pulled Leon up onto the couch first and tried to rouse him. The other man was fuzzy and his speech was slurred, but he was waking up.

"Leon, lover, talk to me. Did you take anything else?"

"No, babe. Jus, jus vodka. Wanted to sleep."

"Wanted to knock yourself out?"

Leon, nodded at him, bleary eyed.

"Can't let you sleep, lover. I may have to call 911, but let's see if we can get some of this out of you."

"Yeah, babe. Sorry. Though, thought you weren't coming tonight."

"I've been worried about you, remember. Didn't want to leave you alone too much." He trailed his hand down the side of Leon's face. Leon reached up and grabbed his hand, holding on tight.

"Sorry, babe, sorry", he mumbled as Nick hoisted him up and dragged him into the bathroom. First he made Leon throw up, then stripped off his wrinkled and disgusting work clothes and got him in the shower. After he had gotten the man into some clean sweats, he got him up and walked him into the kitchen.

Nick no longer thought he needed emergency services. Leon was still pretty drunk, but he was conscious and fairly lucid, not out of his skull. It was also obvious that while some internal demon had gotten the better of him, it probably hadn't been a suicide attempt. That didn't mean that Leon couldn't have died if he had drunk more of the vodka, or vomited in his sleep and drowned in it. He thought about calling Phoebe, but it was late, and there really wasn't anything she could do that he couldn't. He'd talk to her in the morning, but he didn't see any point to waking her up and getting her worried.

Now, Nick got Leon sitting down at the table, and gave him a little flat Coke to see if he could keep it down. So far, so good. Leon put his head in his hands. He was sobering up more. "Babe, I'm so sorry. Didn't mean for you to see me like that."

"Good thing I did." Gently, "I don't think you were trying to kill yourself." There was just a little bit of a question there.

"No, just wanted to sleep. Black out, have it all go away for a few hours."

Nick nodded. "Dreams have been bad, haven't they?"

"Yeah, Valentine's Day, and Cam's birthday was the 20th. He'd have been twenty-five. February was never my favorite month, either."

"You can talk to me about him, you know. Do you at least talk to your therapist about this kind of crap before it eats you alive?"

Leon nodded. "Sometimes, anyway. I have an appointment tomorrow."

"I know. Please talk to him about this. You know you could have died, right?"

Leon closed his eyes. "Yeah. Didn't mean to do that to you. You didn't sign on for this."

"Actually I did." Nick reached across the table and grabbed his hand. Maybe he and Leon could never be married in God's eyes, but he suddenly really understood the concept of 'for better or worse'. "I knew there were going to be times when it wasn't easy."

"This is me being stupid."

"I know that, but it's part of what I expected. I'll have my turn. Just different stupid."

"Not this stupid."

"You might be surprised."

Leon laughed. Nick made him eat some toast, and when he kept that down, some soup. He was starting to look better, and Nick thought it should be safe to let him sleep off the rest of it. They needed to do some serious talking, but other than reassuring Leon that he hadn't just blown what they had together, it should wait until Leon was sober. After half an hour to make sure that the soup was staying where it should, he got Leon some aspirin and a glass of water, and they went to bed.

Leon was a little rough in the morning, but functional, and Nick went to his early classes. He went back to the apartment in the early afternoon to pick up Leon and drop him at his therapy appointment. He didn't figure the doctor would think Leon needed to be admitted, but he wanted to be there just in case. The doctor came out with Leon when the appointment was over, and Leon introduced him briefly.

They walked out into the grey afternoon. It was snowing again, although not very seriously. They had taken Leon's truck on general principles, despite the prediction being for no more than a couple of inches. "Are you okay, guy?"

"Yeah, I think so. Bob asked me if I thought I needed to go somewhere for a few days, but I think I'm alright. He recommended that I not stay alone for a little while, though."

"Not a problem. I wasn't going to leave you alone, you know."

"Yeah." Leon sounded a little sad. "You should be out having fun, not watching over me."

"Enough of that. It's what lovers do, and I know we're not really..." Nick still got really embarrassed talking about sex, but he persevered. "Um, like that, but we're a couple. We're in love with each other."

Leon nodded. "Bob thinks you're good for me. I just wish I thought I was good for you."

"You are good for me. I thought for a long time that I was going to spend the rest of my life alone. Maybe fifty years or more. Especially after the conversion therapy didn't work and I knew I'd blown it with Michael."

"He wouldn't take you back?"

"He got married in June. Someone he met after we broke up, at least."

Leon looked confused. "I didn't realize he was bisexual."

Nick laughed. 'He's not. He married a man. In church, with a priest."

"Yeah, you told me he was Episcopal. I had forgotten that. Honestly, I had forgotten that they marry gay people. I've barely gotten my head around churches that don't think we'll all burn in hell."

"Me too. The whole marriage thing always sounds like make-believe to me. Michael took it very, very seriously though."

"At least he found someone who could believe in it, too."

"Yeah," said Nick. He had driven to his dorm so he could pick up some things and let Jasper know he wouldn't be back until Monday. "He called to tell me, so I wouldn't just see it in the paper, and I sent him a card and a small present. A picture came in the Thank You. Come in with me. I think I know where is."

They went up to his room and Nick grabbed some extra underwear, the books he would need for class on Friday, and a couple of changes of clothes. Otherwise he'd end up wearing Leon's shirts, which were kind of tight across the shoulders on him. He rummaged through his desk, and found the picture.

"Here we go." Nick handed it to Leon.

"I'm assuming the tall guy is Michael, since the other man looks older." The picture had been taken in front of Michael's church, and the two men stood with their arms around each other, wearing dark suits and light purple ties. Michael looked ecstatic, and the other man like the proverbial cat with the canary. Nick assumed, slightly sourly, that he was looking forward to his wedding night.

"Yeah, he's the big guy. I think his um; whatever you call him is a fair amount older. I met him once, although it wasn't my finest moment."

Leon leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "You got all jealous, didn't you?"

Nick laughed. "A little bit. And I'd been trying to talk Michael into trying that therapy that I went to. Michael didn't want any part of it, didn't think I should go, and didn't think it would work. Then that guy showed up, and I made a couple of assumptions."

Leon chuckled softly, and kissed him again. "About what a hot older man could want with Michael?"

"Pretty much. I wondered if Michael had changed his mind about waiting for marriage."

Leon cocked his head and looked at Nick. "You had a really hard time getting over him, didn't you?"

"Yeah. I hadn't stopped loving him. I just couldn't make my parents that unhappy, and frankly, I really didn't want to be gay."

"I know. I didn't want to be either, but I can't imagine myself not gay."

Nick kissed him back. "I know I'm selfish, but right now I'm glad you're gay, because I have you."

"Same here. We should get going. Put your picture away. You could get it a little frame."

"Eventually, I don't really have enough room here. When I'm not in the dorm anymore."

"Yeah. Babe, are we ready to start having that kind of conversation?"

"Maybe. I don't think we're ready to make decisions, but we could sort of throw some stuff out there."

"Yeah. Let's talk in the truck."
Chapter Twelve

Nick scribbled a quick note to Jasper, and they headed out. Some more snow had fallen while they were inside, and the sky was darkening a little. "I hate winter," declared Leon as he slid into the driver's seat. "I won't be so down once it warms up. Do you want to move in when the semester is done, or is that too soon?"

"I don't think it's too soon, no. We'll have known each other almost nine months, and people get married after that. I think we can share an apartment."

"Yeah. That's kind of what I was thinking, but we're not getting married."

"No." Nick thought for a minute. "I don't think it's a particular affront to God, but I don't think it means anything, either. Maybe someday I might think about something civil, if it was legal in this state, but I can't imagine standing up in a church with you."

"Me either. I'm not even sure how I feel about something civil. Do we need it?"

"Not right this minute, but I could see needing to make medical or legal decisions. I think there's stuff you can have a lawyer draw up, but it's probably easier the other way. If we were sure we wanted to stay together."

"Yeah, that's not a right away kind of thing, babe. A couple of years, at least."

Nick squirmed a little bit. "I can talk to my brother Paul about some legal stuff when I see him next. He hasn't passed the bar yet, but he'll probably take it in the summer."

They were at a red light and Leon turned and looked at him. "Was there something specific that was worrying you?"

"After last night, I wondered what would have happened if couldn't wake you up. Would your parents keep me out of a hospital room if you were unconscious?"

The light changed and Leon turned his head. "Oh, babe, that didn't even occur to me. Yeah, they might. Especially if they thought you were more than my roommate. Would yours?"

"They'd probably let you in, but I know they wouldn't let you make any decisions. Or worry about how those decisions would affect you."

"Yeah, still too early, but that's something to think about. You would think the man who wasn't able to go to his boyfriend's funeral would think of this stuff." Something very dark crossed Leon's face and he shook his head.

"I would think that you don't want to think about it at all."

"Yeah, I don't, but."

"Have you been to his grave?"

"No."

"Do you know where they put him?"

Leon sighed. "No, but I think my brother does. He dragged a few things out of Cam's sister, even though I think Cam's parents were really ugly to him."

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"Maybe. I think it's somewhere in Indiana, but we could take a day or two if you were willing, babe. I'm sorry I'm hung up on a dead man. It's not fair to you."

"Until very recently, I was hung up on a live one. Don't worry about that. You can talk about him. I'd like to see his picture."

Leon was very still, and a tear slid silently down his cheek. "I don't have one." He tapped the side of his head. "Just in here and its fading. Even in my dreams, I don't always see his face anymore."

"Oh, lover, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

"No, don't be. How would you know? I didn't have a whole lot, since we were being careful, and we were nineteen fucking years old. We never thought about down the road at all.

"My parents cleared my room out. They packed some clothes for me, threw a lot of stuff away, and put the rest in boxes, which I think are in their attic. There might be something up there, or it might all have been tossed. I haven't been back there for more than a few days, and I didn't have the heart to check the attic when I was."

"Road trip." said Nick.

"Yeah, I should get up there and see if there's anything I want. They're going to be thrilled when I show up with you, but I'm not doing it alone. I'll call Brad tonight, and see if he knows where Cam is. See if he can sound my parents out a little too. I'll call them myself if we're going, but he can at least check to see if those boxes made it into the attic.

"At least he knows I'm gay and doesn't care. Your brother Paul doesn't know, does he?"

"I don't know. I haven't told him, and while I bet my parents haven't either, I'm 22 years old and I've never had a girlfriend. He's my brother, and if I need legal advice, he'll give it to me. I can call you my roommate."

"You can, but he's going to either figure it out or seriously wonder why your roommate needs to make that kind of decision."

"Well, yeah, but we don't ask a lot of personal questions in my family."

Leon laughed. "Let's stop at the store and get something good for dinner, and go home. At least if I can't be trusted alone this weekend I can make the most of it and enjoy your company."

They got themselves some steaks and "fresh" mashed potatoes from the refrigerator case, along with some TV snacks and ice cream. Leon sat down on the couch with his cell after dinner.

"Do you want me to go into the bedroom?"

"No, you can hang, babe. I'll go if I need more privacy, but I shouldn't. He should be home by now, since it's after 5 in California."

After a few minutes of small talk, Leon's voice grew more serious. "Brad, when Cam died and I was in the hospital, did Cassidy tell you where Cam was buried?

"Sure, take your time. If you can't find it, you can call me back. I think I'd like to go there.............No, with a friend..............Um, no, we're friends, but that part of it's over. She found someone...............Yeah, somebody female." Laughing, "We both knew that, Brad, but it was fun confirming it..............Um, yeah. I do have somebody, too. He's right here next to me. Do you want to say hi to him? Here, his name is Nick."

Leon handed Nick the phone, and Nick cautiously lifted it to his ear. Brad sounded a lot like Leon as he said, "Hello, Nick. I understand you've been keeping my brother out of trouble."

"Yeah, I try. He's not a whole lot of trouble though."

It was a little awkward, but Brad chuckled and said. "Good to talk to you, man. Leon is way too solitary. I just found that piece of paper, so you can give him back to me now."

Nick handed the phone back to Leon and went to grab a pen and a piece of paper and handed it to Leon. After he wrote down the cemetery information, he chatted with Brad for a few more minutes and asked him to call their parents and find out if the boxes were in the attic.

Right after that, Nick suggested that they go to bed, since Leon had been too drunk the night before and too miserable in the morning for anything except Nick's arms around him. Nick knew he was climbing the walls horny and suspected Leon must be as well. They had been having a lot of fun exploring each other's bodies and experimenting, and right now Nick thought he really wanted to be on top of Leon, wearing nothing but his underwear and feasting on the other man's nipples. They were really, really sensitive. Nick didn't hate having his stimulated, but it didn't do for him what it seemed to do for Leon. Telling Leon what he wanted to do got the other man up off the couch and lying back on the bed in a pair of navy boxer briefs in a hurry.

Nick stood at the foot of the bed and stripped slowly. Leon's nipples were erect with cold and anticipation, and he was stroking himself slowly through the blue cotton. "Babe, have I told you I love to watch you?"

"Yeah. Does your brother think we're having sex?"

"Um, probably, but he's not really what I want to think about right now. And I'm certainly not talking to him about it in detail."

"Sorry. What are we doing here? Just fooling around?"

"Um, I was pretty serious."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know. Babe, we're pleasing each other. We can call it making love. Lots of guys don't fuck, for various reasons."

"They do more than we do."

"Most of them, probably. Babe, its no-one's business but ours what we do in bed. Right now, I'd like to be doing it, not talking about it." He played with his left nipple with his free hand. "I'd really like your mouth full with one of these."

Nick pulled his underwear off. Leon drew a sharp breath. Nick hesitated, "Um, can I be with you like this tonight? On top of you?"

"Oh yeah, babe. So that's what that was about. I was starting to think you were just freaked out that people would think we were sleeping together."

"That's a separate issue."

"Tell me about it." Leon wriggled out of his own underpants and gripped his erection firmly. "There's lube in that drawer if you want to grab it."

Nick said, "Um..." He knew he looked panicked.

Leon laughed, "Not for that. It's good for a lot of things. Conditioner would be kind of messy in bed, although I guess that would work if lube freaks you out too much. Come here, babe, before I explode."

Nick grabbed the tube of lube and climbed up onto the bed. He handed it to Leon, and leaned over and took one of those stiff dark circles into his mouth. Leon groaned. "Oh babe, I was starting to think you were never going to do that." He popped the top of the lube and drizzled a generous portion over his erection. "Let me put some of this on you. See, feels good there, doesn't it?"

It felt incredible. Cold and slick, and warming up in his hand, and just so good. Leon's warm slippery hands reached out for his buttocks and pulled him on top, pressing their lubed up erections together. Nick couldn't imagine anything feeling better, ever. It was different from the feel of Phoebe's mouth, but every bit as good as that, and totally connected to Leon, who was moving and groaning underneath him, the nipple in Nick's mouth bullet hard. Leon's cock twitched inquisitively against his own, their arousal feeding into each other's very core. Things were so slippery there that it was hard to get the kind of rough friction he was used to, since there was usually fabric involved, but this method was definitely going to work. Nick thought he was going to lose his mind if he didn't come soon.

And there, there was nothing between them but pleasure, Leon's dick spasming against his own, and hot seed spilling between them and mixing with the lube. Just at the penultimate moment, Nick had taken his mouth from Leon's nipple and crushed their lips together. Leon licked his mouth gently as they rode that wave. Nick lay collapsed on Leon's chest, and Leon slid his hands from Nick's buttocks up his back and crossed his arms hard, crushing Nick to his chest.

"Oh, babe. I love you. That was... I don't know what that was." He kissed Nick's ear.

"Making love?"

"Yeah, babe." Leon squeezed him hard. "Don't be afraid to ask if you want more. I always remember that you're really still a virgin, and that you have a lot of trouble rectifying sex with a Christian life, and forget that you want me as badly as I want you."

Nick squeezed back. "I love you too, guy. I feel weird not giving you what a bunch of other guys have, and this sounds stupid, but I actually don't know much about what guys can do in bed, other than the obvious."

"Yeah, I should know that, but I forget that, too. Not that I know everything about sex, and I really don't have that much experience. And most of it wasn't in a bed."

Nick kissed Leon, nipping his lip gently. "I like being in bed with you. But, I feel dumb about stuff like not knowing why you wanted the lube. Or what might be too far."

"Babe, either I'm an unforgivable abomination, or Jesus Christ died for my sins and my faith in him will save me, no matter what I've done. I've "lain with" other men, and had lustful thoughts for those men and many others. I spent a lot of time trying to avoid that kind of thing, but it's not like I can take any of it back." Leon sighed and clutched Nick tighter. "I love you. I'll give you anything you want in bed, and I don't need anything you don't want to give me."

"Well, not intercourse."

"I know that. It's not that weird for guys not to fuck. Some men don't like it, and there are other reasons why someone might not do it. And I'm going to repeat, I don't need it from you. It's a quick and dirty way to scratch an itch. It can be loving, just like anything else, but being roughly taken by a stranger in the back seat of a car or behind a dumpster feels really degrading. Perfect for someone who hates himself and hates that he can't control those desires. Honestly, I hate myself for wanting you half the time, because you'd be living chastely if not for me."

"Oh, Leon." Nick snuggled into the crook of his arm. "I need you to want me. What part of "the rest of my life alone" did you not hear? Thanks for telling me it's not that strange not to do, um, that, but how many guys just want to cuddle? Or even just do whatever we just did. After how many months we've been in bed together?"

Leon chuckled and ran his hands up and down Nick's back. "Well, when you put it that way... We could do that again."

"Yeah, can we touch each other a little too?"

"Yeah, babe, as long as that's going to be okay for you."

"It's not, you know..."

"Yeah, I know, babe. Just tell me if something is getting too close to lying together for you. Okay with unnatural desires?"

Leon's voice was light and jokey, but Nick was deadly serious when he answered him. "It's not unnatural. How can it be when it feels like this? The way we fit together? The way we are together? Maybe if it was just for fun, but not like this." He rolled back onto Leon and started to move slowly on top of him. "I'm still not always sure it's something Christians should be doing, but that doesn't make it unnatural." He kissed Leon. "And I'm not the only person who can ask if he wants something."
Chapter Thirteen

Brad called back the next night to let Leon know that the boxes from his dorm room were in their parent's attic, and that he should call, but he was quite welcome to come get them. "And stay out of their lives permanently," Leon muttered as he hung up.

He took his cell into the bedroom. Nick could hear the tension in his voice, but couldn't really make the words out. He was trying to avoid eavesdropping, anyway.

Leon came out holding his phone. He looked drained. "I told them we'd be there spring break week. Probably Wednesday or Thursday. I figured we'd go to Indiana first, and then drive to Michigan. We are not staying with my parents, and I'm hoping we can get that stuff cleared out in an afternoon, stay locally, and head back in this direction. Maybe spend a day somewhere fun. Are you going to need to go home for Easter?"

"No, I'll tell them I have mid-terms I have to study for. I'm going to have to go home for a couple of weeks when the semester ends in May, but I'm planning to take some summer classes and I'll be back for that. I'll tell them then that I'm moving out of the dorm and in here."

Leon looked at him. "Are they going to be okay with that?"

"No. I'm hoping I can get some student loans, but I think they're going to cut off my tuition. I'm really hoping they don't stop speaking to me."

"Oh, honey, are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yeah, I can't string them along forever. And it's not fair to have them pay my tuition while I'm secretly leading a lifestyle they wouldn't support."

"No, it's not, but you shouldn't have to give up your family for me."

"Probably not, but I didn't give them up for Michael and look how well that turned out."

"Not that badly for me, actually."

Nick laughed. "I guess not, but I'm going to have to tell them sooner or later. So, I don't move in with you. We're still together, and it's still not honest. Even if I broke up with you, I'm still gay. Even if I never met anyone else, ever."

"Yeah, I hear you."

It finally started to thaw early in March. Nick talked to Mark about his decision to move in with Leon in the early summer. The therapist remained professionally supportive, but Nick knew he didn't think it was a great idea. Nick had also let him know that he wasn't planning to stay in therapy after that, if for no other reason than that he thought he probably wasn't going to have insurance much longer. He wondered if there was any chance they'd let him stay on his Dad's plan if he paid for it himself.

The Monday they left for Indiana was pleasant, in the low 60's and sunny. Leon had taken most of the week off, and Nick was on break. Brad had given them the cemetery's name and the town it was in, and Leon had looked it up online and put the exact address into his phone's GPS. They were there by mid-afternoon, and they stopped into the office to find the plot they were looking for. It was a pleasant place to be, at least in the early spring, and they left the car there and walked. They had stopped and picked up some flowers after they left the interstate, and Leon held them loosely.

The headstone was one of those big shiny modern ones. It said Cameron David Mathews, Beloved Son and Brother, February 20th, 1989-November 8th, 2008. Nick's mother had always said they were terribly tacky, but it also had a place for a big shiny laminated picture, in addition to praying hands and a cross. Tacky or not, Nick was amazingly grateful to whoever had thought of that one. He surreptitiously pulled out his phone, got close and snapped it a couple of times. Even if they didn't find anything in Michigan, at least Leon could have that. It looked like a senior class picture. Curly blonde hair, blue eyes, big smile. He looked like he had smiled a lot. Nick would definitely have looked at him twice, blonde or not. He knew Leon had fallen for him hard. Now, Nick retreated a couple of rows, and left Leon at his lover's grave to have a private moment.

Leon looked a bit shaky when he walked back to Nick. He had left the flowers by the stone. "Thanks for coming here with me, babe."

"No problem. Are you okay?"

"I think so. I should have done it years ago. Just..."

"I know. It's okay. He knows you loved him, whether you came here or not."

"Yeah, you know I'm always afraid that he doesn't know it. That he's just gone. That he lost his faith while we were dying in that hotel room and he's not at home with Jesus."

"Was he questioning?"

"Not really. He was angry with God for making us that way, and angry at both of us for not being able to control ourselves. For not just staying platonic friends and avoiding the whole mess. You know we had absolutely no idea what to do?"

"That's obvious. I didn't think you'd tried to kill yourselves for fun."

"No, it was not fun. Horrible for that poor maid. When I was in the psychiatric hospital I wrote her a letter to thank her for saving my life, and apologizing for having her find us. The DA showed me the crime scene photo; I think to frighten me out of trying it again. It was not like just falling asleep."

"No, it sounded pretty gross when you told me, and I've seen what happens when you drink a lot of vodka. Leon, God didn't let you die in that room because he needed you here. Only he knows why he left you here and took Cam home with him."

Leon reached out and squeezed Nick's hand. They were at Nick's car, which they had taken because it got better gas mileage. "Thanks for telling me that. It's one of those things I should know and keep forgetting."

When they got in the car, Nick asked, "Where did you go when you left the mental hospital?"

Leon didn't talk much about anything before he'd met Nick. Nick knew he'd briefly been a student, and had met Phoebe then, but had no idea what he'd been doing before that. He wasn't even entirely sure if the thing between Leon and Phoebe had always been just a matter of comfort, or if they had ever thought about trying to have a real life together. Nick usually waited for Leon to tell him things, but right now he felt a need to fill in the pieces.

"A slightly older friend from college and his wife put me up for a few weeks. They were the only people, other than my family, who came to see me in the hospital. They were incredibly compassionate. The only people I've ever met who actually were any good at loving the sinner. If I'd had any idea Cam and I could turn to them it might have been different. John arranged for me to do some mission work at a homeless shelter for a year. I wound up staying about eighteen months. I don't talk about it much, but it was very good for me."

"You don't talk about anything much."

Leon gave him a rueful smile. "I guess not. You can ask."

"Yeah," Nick rolled his eyes. They stayed in a Days Inn nearby, since they had a long drive the next day. Leon's parent's house was near Ann Arbor, and it was a haul from southern Indiana. Leon figured they'd be there by dinnertime if they drove in a relaxed fashion and stopped for lunch. Then they could show up nice and early, get what they needed to do done, and be out of there by late afternoon. It was obvious that they had not been invited for dinner.

The drive on Tuesday was uneventful, and they stopped at a couple of places to stretch their legs and enjoy themselves for a few minutes. Cracker Barrel for dinner, and a Hampton Inn for the night.

Leon had grown up in a perfectly ordinary split level with a basketball hoop over the garage. Around nine the next morning they pulled into the driveway behind a silver Corolla. "I have two younger brothers and a younger sister. She's married, but my youngest brother is still in high school. Not sure whether Ryan still lives at home or not. My mom's home, but my dad went to work. We need to be out of here before he's home."

Nick's heart ached for Leon. Nick's parents might be really, really not okay with the whole gay thing, but he couldn't imagine the kind of disconnect that Leon had with his family. He knew Brad was the only one he had spoken to in years. Did they ever talk about Leon? Did his younger siblings have any idea where he was or what had happened to him?

They got out of the car and rang the doorbell. A slightly plump middle-aged woman answered the door. She had Leon's eyes, but otherwise there wasn't much resemblance. She wore a pink sweatshirt with bunnies on it. "Leon."

"Hi, mom. This is my friend Nick. He came to help me carry stuff."

"Hello, Nick." She didn't shake his hand, and there wasn't a lot of warmth in her voice. She looked like she wanted to say something but didn't. The attic had a pull down stair in the upstairs hallway. It was cold and dusty up there, and there was a pile of boxes in the corner that said "Leon's room".

They'd brought some garbage bags with them, since they figured a fair amount of it could just be tossed, and the rest of it could be repacked to come back to Ohio with them, or driven to Goodwill, depending on what it was. The contents of the boxes were really jumbled, which figured, since they must have been packed quickly, by people who just wanted to get it done. They came up with a system. Nick would take a box first, deal with the stuff that was obvious, like clothes and old assignments, and give the rest of it to Leon, to go through papers and mementos. Most of it was garbage, or things that could just go to the thrift shop.

A Christmas card, signed, "Love, Cam" fell out of a history text. Nick was about to throw a green "Got Jesus?" t-shirt into the thrift shop box when Leon said. "No, don't. That was his."

Nick handed it over carefully, and Leon took it and self-consciously lifted it to his nose. Nick had never seen "Brokeback Mountain" but he had watched trailers, and he suddenly had an odd movie moment. Not that it was weird for a lover's smell to trigger memories. He always buried his face in the pillows when Leon had to get out of bed early and leave him there. He asked gently. "Still?"

"Yeah, faint, but I can smell him. Thank you so much for doing this with me, babe. I could never have done this by myself."

"That's what friends are for."

"No," Leon said quietly. "That's what partners are for. This would be a lot to ask from any friend. It's probably a lot to ask from a boyfriend."

Nick touched his hand. "Not this one. Lover, I'm here for the long run."

Leon nodded. "Me too. Let's get this done, and get out of here."

Around one his mother came up and offered them soup and grilled cheese in the kitchen. It wasn't much of a peace offering, but it was freezing in the attic and they accepted. She kept sneaking odd little looks at Nick. Finally, it seemed that she couldn't hold her tongue. "So, you're still like that?"

"Yes, mom." Leon sighed. "Really not too much I can do about it."

"So you commit abominations with him?" She waved a hand at Nick.

"No," Leon answered. "We're together, but we don't do that. Not that it's been any tiny bit of your business in years."

She addressed Nick conversationally. "You know that it's so disgusting that he tried to kill himself?"

"No, I tried to kill myself because the man I loved and I were nineteen years old, had a few hundred bucks to our names, absolutely nowhere to go and no-one to turn to, and thought that the only alternative to dying was selling ourselves." Nick had never imagined the quiet rage in Leon's voice. "We actually discussed it. What we'd have to do, and if both of us had to. If maybe one of us could do that and remain any kind of whole and let the other escape it. I was a virgin until that night. He was the first person I ever kissed. It was the same for him. Can you imagine what the idea of having sex with strangers for money was like?" Leon rose and stalked back up to the attic.

Nick looked at Mrs. Michalowski warily. "I'd better go help him. We'll be out of your way soon." She looked kind of upset, but she had brought it on herself. Nick followed him up.

There wasn't too much more, but the last box revealed a WWJD keychain Cam had given Leon, and real pay dirt, a Wal-Mart envelope of photos. They were clearly of a Frisbee game, but a couple showed the tall blond and someone else had taken a picture of them together. Leon looked impossibly young, and had no beard, his arm thrown casually around Cam's shoulder, both smiling into the camera.

"Orientation week, our sophomore year" said Leon, his voice breaking. "About two months before. I think that's it. I'll say goodbye to my mother, before I kill her, and we can get away from this place."

They had a couple of bags of garbage, which they left at the side of the house, two boxes for Goodwill, which they figured they could make before it closed, and a box with the stuff they had found and a few books and other things. "I don't think I'm coming back here." Leon announced as they pulled out of the driveway.

"Ever?"

"Yeah, ever. They'll let me in, but you can see how welcome I am. We were never a really close family, and I just don't need that. Brad doesn't get along with them much better than I do, so I guess it's just me and him."

"What about your other sibs?"

"Sara and I never got along well. We're only fourteen months apart, and we competed like crazy. I barely know Ryan and Jared and it's too late now."

Leon was quiet for the rest of the evening, even when they made cautious love in one of the queen sized beds in the room at the Hampton Inn. Nick held him for a long time while he cried.

He looked more cheerful in the morning, and they started the drive back. They spent a few hours at a farm attraction somewhere over the Ohio border, and got home late Thursday. The rest of the weekend was theirs, and they spent some quiet time together on Friday and Saturday. On Easter Sunday they woke up early and went to church together. Nick usually went on campus, but when Leon was not working early on Sundays he usually went to the United Church of Christ, where he felt pretty comfortable.
Chapter Fourteen

In May Nick cleared out his dorm room. He brought most of the stuff over to Leon's and put only what he thought he'd need in the next couple of weeks in the car for the drive to New Jersey. He wasn't completely sure he would be driving it back, but he had taken out enough of a cash advance on his credit card for a plane ticket back to Ohio. If his parents gave him a hard time about it he could offer to pay them back. He had no idea what the terms of it was, but he knew his California grandparents had left each of them a small trust. Nick assumed his parents had control of it, and wasn't expecting them to let him have it, but he figured they could take the plane ticket money out of it if they wanted to.

He hugged Leon good-bye and said. "Love you, guy. No matter what happens with my parents, I'm coming home to you, lover. I'll call you and let you know what's going on."

He drove straight through, and was pulling into his parent's driveway a little before midnight. His mom was still up, although his dad had gone to bed already. He gave her a quick hug, and chatted for a few minutes before going up to his room. He slept late the next morning, and came down and scrounged for breakfast. It was a nice day, hot already, and he wished they had the pool filled, but it was almost a month too early for that. He had a sudden vision of Leon in a bathing suit. He missed him. At least Leon's apartment complex had a pool, and it should be open by the time he got back.

Paul wasn't going to be around for a while, but Jessica had been back from Swarthmore for a couple of days, and he hung out on the patio with her and caught up a little bit. His mom liked to cook, and dinner didn't disappoint. His dad had even come home a little early. There was wine on the table, but he stuck to a single glass. He wanted his head clear, and he didn't want to draw this out. For all he knew, he was going to be scrounging a couch to sleep on and might need to drive. Or walk.

After dinner, he wandered into the living room. His parents were sitting on the couch, as if they were waiting for him. His dad had a scotch in his hand, which was unusual for a weeknight.

"Mom, Dad, can we talk for a few?"

"Of course," his mother answered. "Would you like a drink?" She got up and got herself one, which was even more unusual.

"No, mom. Thanks."

"When are you going back to Ohio?"

"A couple of weeks. I'm taking some summer classes."

His parents looked at each other. "You're really happy there, aren't you?"

"Yeah." he answered his mother. "I'm planning to stay until I get my degree." He swallowed. "Maybe after that, too."

"It seemed like a nice town when we visited. A good size."

"Yeah, it is," agreed Nick. "I've made friends." Then, suddenly, because it was now or never, "I'm not going back to the dorm next semester. A friend asked me to share his apartment."

His father nodded, and unexpectedly spoke. "You're a little old for the dorm, you know."

Nick nodded back, completely unsure what to stay.

His mother chimed in. "His apartment's big enough for both of you? You'd have your own room?"

Nick closed and opened his eyes and answered truthfully. "We'd have to share a room." He resisted the temptation to add that the living room was pretty big, or that he shared a room now, and waited for the explosion.

"That's not the best way to study, you know," said his mother. "And I'm sure you'd like your privacy. That dorm's not cheap. Half of a two bedroom apartment couldn't be any more than that, and if your friend pays his own rent now..." Her voice trailed off. Nick noticed that she had her glass in a white-knuckled grip.

"What your mother is trying to say is that we'd be happy to pay for half of a two-bedroom apartment for you. Your friend can't be thrilled to have to share his room, even if he'd like the company and some help with his rent."

Nick held his breath for a minute. Then slowly, "I'm sure he'd like that. It is kind of small. If you're sure you're okay with it."

His mother nodded equally slowly. "I can drive back with you, help you go apartment hunting, and fly home. Meet your room-mate." Nick's father's eyes met his mother's.

"Yeah, mom. I'd like that. He'd like to meet you." He needed that drink now, and got up and got it. He took his parent's glasses and refreshed theirs too.

Both of his parents accepted their glasses back with gratitude and the three of them sat and talked about what needed to be taken to Ohio, when they should leave, whether they needed a U-Haul, and if they should drive straight through or not. It was clear that the questions weren't coming.

He was a coward, he knew it. He probably should have insisted on telling them he was gay and that Leon was not his room-mate, whether they wanted to hear it or not. He wasn't going to do it. He remembered that cold attic in Michigan and the cold woman in the kitchen. Nick's parents had very clearly offered him a bargain, and one that was easy to take. Live discreetly in another state, and you get to stay part of our family, with all of our love and support. He had been prepared to do without their financial support, even if the idea was a little scary, but he'd been absolutely heartsick at the idea of losing his parents. Keeping some of his clothes in an extra bedroom was a very small price to pay.

The next day he drove to the park and sat on a bench to call Leon and tell him what was going on. Nick had never spent much time around gay people who weren't as conflicted as he was, but he was aware that a lot of men would not think he had good news. His Leon was happy for him. Delighted that he could keep his family's emotional support, and glad that he wouldn't be scrounging for tuition. He was perfectly fine with moving and pretending to Nick's family that they were just friends. He assured Nick that he would set up the apartment so it didn't look like they'd been sharing a bed.

After he had told Leon how much he loved him and missed him, Nick hung up and just sat on the bench for a few minutes. Even a little noodling around on the internet revealed plenty of guys who needed their boyfriends to come out and announce it to the world, or at least to their families. Especially if things were serious. He wondered for a minute if he should be upset about Leon's immediate acceptance of the plan. He decided that he wasn't. Leon was very private, and even less out than Nick was, if more accepting of his own sexuality. He suspected Leon was more comfortable not having it be obvious that he shared a bedroom with another man. Nick thought he might be too, politically incorrect or not.

Nick spent a couple of relaxing weeks at home. They went into the city for a matinee one Wednesday, and walked around Central Park for a while. He snapped a lot of pictures to show to Leon, who had never been to New York, and mailed him some postcards. He called Leon every night, on his cell phone, to very quietly tell him that he loved him. Leon was cautious about calling back, but sent frequent innocuous texts to him.

Nick and his mother got into his car one day early in June for the drive to Ohio. They had decided not to bother with either bulky stuff or a U-Haul since anything they brought would only have to be moved again when he and Leon switched apartments. They took it easy and stopped halfway, and talked in the car. She still didn't ask any questions she wasn't going to want the answers to, but she wanted to know about Leon.

Nick told her, carefully editing his answers, and trying not to gush. He gave her the Disney version of their spring break trip, but let her know that Leon was not on good terms with his family. She looked pensive, and like she wanted to say something, but then thought better of it.

His mother had gotten herself a hotel room, since she declared she was way too old to sleep on the couch, but stopped at the apartment to drop off him and his stuff. They had decided that she'd hang onto his car and he could either ride with Leon or borrow his truck, depending on Leon's schedule. Leon came downstairs and shook her hand warmly. Nick nearly fell over when they went upstairs. Leon was a neat person, but he had clearly cleaned the place top to bottom. He had also left the bedroom door open, and instead of the queen size, there were two twin beds placed catty corner to each other, with matching red and blue bedspreads.

Nick fought the urge not to giggle as they gave her the grand tour. He had no idea Leon had that much talent for duplicity. Leon's eyes met his as they showed his mother into the bedroom and he suddenly realized Leon's love for him was absolutely unconditional, whether he needed to pretend to his parents that they slept in twin beds or shout that they were lovers from the rooftops.

After she had left in his car, he looked Leon in the eye and asked, "Where did those come from?"

"Angie's parents were getting rid of them. I'm warning you, they're lumpy. My bed's downstairs in the lock-up. I figure when we move we'll put them in "your room" and put my bed in whichever one is bigger."

"I have a double at home. I could probably bring it here, so guests don't have to sleep on a lumpy twin. My mom and I were talking about what made sense, and she figured you and I could fly to New Jersey in August and drive back big stuff in a U-Haul."

"That might work, if your parents don't mind having me stay."

"It seems not, but you know that they're going to have you sleep as far away from me as possible."

Leon laughed. "Nick, I get to keep you, and you get to keep your family. You don't know what it did to me to think I might cost you that. I'll sleep in Siberia and be happy about it if I have to." He cocked his head and looked at Nick. "They pretty much know, don't they?"

"Yeah, I'm sure they don't want to even begin to think about what we might or might not do physically, but they're not stupid, and obviously, they know I'm gay. If the entire Willauer family needs to play let's pretend for them to deal with it, I'm game."

The beds were lumpy. There was enough room for two men to lay one on top of the other and bring each other to orgasm repeatedly, but barely enough room to lie side by side, and falling asleep seemed inadvisable. Nick reluctantly got up and went to the other bed, since they had been making love in the one Leon had been sleeping in for the last few days, and it seemed mean to make him move.

"Love you, guy." he called softly across the room.

"Love you too."

"You know, if you hadn't set them up this way we could push these beds together."

"I know. I was trying to make it look like we wouldn't do that."

Nick laughed. "I never knew you were that devious."
Chapter Fifteen

The apartment hunting didn't last very long. There were apartment and real estate guides in the lobby of his mother's hotel, and she looked at them while she ate breakfast. It seemed to have taken her about five minutes to realize that in the current market, as long as they didn't insist on being right on top of campus, what she called 'a cute little house' could be gotten for a lot less than she would have thought, and she decided that unless Nick thought he wanted to move within two years, he should just buy a house. She called his dad right there, over breakfast, before she came to get him, and confirmed that they'd be happy to pay his mortgage while he was in school and that they could free up a chunk of his trust for a down payment. They'd cosign too, and Leon could pay him a nominal rent.

Nick suddenly found himself house hunting. It took him a day or two to sort out how he felt about that. It certainly wasn't what he had expected. They wound up in a couple of really awful places, but by the second day he was kind of into it, and was starting to get a sense of what he wanted. He had some trouble enlisting Leon, who had clearly not been kidding about the Siberia thing, but was very reluctant to come out and look with them.

"Babe, it's fine. I'll go anywhere with you, but it's your house, not mine."

"Maybe, but it's our home." He hesitated, "Maybe for a very long time."

Leon closed his eyes and said, "Babe..." Nick had thought a lot about the long celibate life that he thought he was going to lead before he had any idea that there might be a Leon in his life, but he suddenly got a vision of the life Leon would have led without him. No family, no nephews and nieces, not a lot of friends, just a sterile one-bedroom apartment and a kind of boring job and an occasional trick. "I trust you, and I don't want to freak your mother out."

"How about my mom and I look, and when I'm close I'll ask your opinion."

"Yeah, babe, that works."

A week had narrowed it down to three real options. He could afford any of them pretty comfortably, or more accurately come up with the down payment without completely draining his trust and not cost his parents significantly more than the dorm, and they all had most of his must haves, which were a bright sunny master, a second bedroom that was big enough that the idea that Leon was occupying it wasn't laughable, a yard big enough to barbecue in, and at least one and a half baths.

The first one was close enough to campus that the idea of walking wasn't completely crazy, but it had no garage and a kind of small yard. It also had only two bedrooms, but they were both a nice size. Nick and his mom suspected that the house originally had three and someone had knocked the two little ones together. The kitchen was nice, and the whole house had been recently renovated. Nick thought it was probably owned by a gay couple, but didn't say anything to his mother.

The second one was not close enough to campus to walk, but it was on a quiet street, and it had a laid back charm that Nick really enjoyed. No garage again, and no basement, which meant the washer and dryer lived off the kitchen in a funny little enclosed porch, but it had both a back and a side yard, and they were both a nice size. Three bedrooms, all of them roomy, with one full bath upstairs, a powder room between the kitchen and the dining room, and a funny little shower on the porch next to the washer and dryer. It was in good shape, if not as spiffy as the little one near campus.

The third one made Nick's heart ache. It was about as far away from campus as the second one, and a little run down, but it was four and two, even if two of the four were really small. The actual master had its own bathroom, but there was another full bath in the hall. The whole house sort of screamed for a family to fill it. The backyard had an aboveground pool and a swing set, with a little cement patio that was perfect for grilling on. And a garage to keep things like the snow blower he was sure he was going to run out and buy in November in.

"This is an awful lot of house for you, Nick, and it needs some work. But it is a lot of house for the money, even for here." His mom sounded her opinion.

"Yeah," said Nick, "and I do like it. And I like the backyard and the pool. We'd use those."

"Well, you wouldn't use that." She indicated the swing set.

Nick shook his head no, banishing the ghost of a little girl with Leon's eyes. "Might even be a little creepy for two single guys to have that in their yard, but we could take it down and put it in the garage. Paul and Jessica will have kids someday, and I may be here for a while. Might have friends with kids, too." He shoved his hands in the pockets of his cargo shorts. His mother looked at him wistfully, but she didn't say anything and he didn't answer her unspoken questions. Much as he loved him, and was willing to chance the rest of his life with Leon, he wasn't sure he wanted to have children with a man he didn't entirely trust not to commit suicide someday. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to have children with another man at all, and he couldn't imagine how he could explain to his parents that he and his room-mate had suddenly developed maternal instincts.

"I don't think most of what it does need is very difficult, as long as you can live with those countertops." They were a fake marble pattern in a peculiar shade of orange.

"I can. The right color paint would make them look less weird."

"If you say so."

"I'm going to grab Leon to take a look at this one and a couple of the others. He says he doesn't care, but he might have some opinion on one over the other. He's going to be living wherever I pick, so it doesn't seem right not to show them to him."

His mother agreed that that was a good idea and went off to the mall for some retail therapy and a facial. Nick arranged for the real estate agent to take him and Leon through his top three quickly that evening when Leon came off work. She was happy to oblige, since he made it clear that they were about to make an offer on one of them, but just wanted to show his room-mate quickly.

Nick had wondered if she would connect the dots, but he guessed the presence of his mother and the non-presence of Leon had made her take the search at face value. She actually made a big deal of the fact that they wouldn't have to share a bathroom in the four bedroom house. Leon looked kind of amused, but neither of them wanted to tell her that they often showered together. They went through that one last, and Leon turned to him and said "I like this one best, but it's up to you."

The agent had tactfully disappeared, but Nick kept his voice down. "It doesn't look too much like a family house?"

"It does, but I like that. I know that we're not going to, but..." His voice trailed off.

"Nieces and nephews, lover. I figured we'd take the swings apart and put them in the garage until we need them back up. We'll use the pool, and I don't mind the maintenance. Maybe build one of those little decks around it, but not this year. This house is going to need new carpet, and a whole lot of paint, but we can manage that. The carpet's a couple of thousand dollars, according to my mother, and the paint's mostly work."

"Back steps." said Leon. "They're starting to crumble. I've poured concrete steps before. It's not really hard."

"You're sure? You don't like the little one over on the east side better?"

"Do you?"

"No, I should, since it's kind of a gay guy house, but I don't."

Leon gave him a kind of crooked smile, and said, "Yeah, cause we're such typical gay guys."

Nick laughed. "You have me there. Let me find that woman and let her know that as long as my mom agrees we're go on this one."

Nick's mom stayed for a few more days and helped him make an offer on the house before she went back to New Jersey. Nick and Leon had Phoebe over for dinner one night, without explaining to his mom exactly who she was to either of them. His mother decided that she was Leon's ex-girlfriend, and then seemed to be slightly confused by that.

Finally they took Nick's mom to the airport, put her on a plane, and consigned the lumpy twins to the lock-up in the basement. Carrying beds up and down the stairs, with the full knowledge that they were going to have to do it again within the next couple of months, was completely worth it. They climbed into Leon's bed and made naked puzzle pieces out of their bodies for hours before they fell asleep spooned into each other.
Chapter Sixteen

Nick closed on the house at the end of July. This gave them plenty of time to start painting and order new carpet before they went to New Jersey to collect stuff. He had enough money out of his trust for carpeting and supplies for their other projects. Leon's lease had actually been up in June, but they had been allowed to go month to month until the end of August, which gave them plenty of time to move stuff over slowly.

They put the queen in the master bedroom and the twins in one of the small rooms to use as guest beds. They figured Nick's double could go in Leon's room, and they'd use the other small room as a computer room. Leon's couch went into the finished basement, and his table into the kitchen. They didn't have oodles of money for furniture, but Nick wanted living and dining room things that they had picked out specifically for this house.

Nick's class wasn't terribly demanding, and he had plenty of time to work on his house. Lemony pale walls downstairs, dark blue carpet, little touches of grey and orange. There wasn't a lot of wall to paint in the kitchen and a dark coppery brown did indeed make the countertops less weird looking, as did some stick on back splash stuff that looked like polished copper. Leon helped when he wasn't working, and Phoebe came over a few times to help paint. They took a break from paint fumes one afternoon and went to the thrift shop to see if anything caught his eye.

A dark cherry dining set, complete with buffet and cabinet did. $500 was a lot for that particular thrift shop to charge for anything, but Nick wanted it and could afford it. It looked every bit as awesome in his dining room as he thought it would, and even more awesome after Phoebe showed him how to change the cover on a slip seat and the tired green brocade was replaced with silky gray.

They still had no living room furniture when they flew to New Jersey, but it was starting to look like a house people lived in. Paul was home, since it was a Sunday, and had been sent to Newark to get them. Paul gave Nick a bear hug and shook Leon's hand, and tried not to look too curious as they got into the car.

"So you actually bought a house, bro?"

"Yeah, mom's idea, since the prices were good, but I kind of want to stay in that area and it made sense."

"You got pictures?"

"Yeah, we've been working on it a lot. It was a little tired when I bought it. Nothing big, just dated. And we're two young guys, so there's nothing wrong with a little work"

Paul looked at him. Nick figured he must know that Leon was not on his mortgage, but there was a question there. "Leon's technically renting from me, but he's likely to stick around for a while."

"And I'd help anyway." Leon chimed in. "Your brother's been a good friend to me." He was sitting in the back seat and Nick turned to look at him.

Paul cleared his throat. "I don't care, but watch how you look at each other in front of Dad. I'm glad they're dealing, but don't make it harder for him than it already is."

"Yeah, I know. I thought they were going to cut me loose. I never dreamed I'd be able to take Leon home."

"They've mellowed a little. And Jessica has done a couple of stupid things and gotten caught. I kind of wondered why you'd been put on house arrest that time. I thought maybe drugs, but that's so not you."

Nick laughed. "No."

"All I could get out of Jessica was that it was kind of gross."

"It wasn't gross."

"Well, not for you. I know I don't want to hear about it in any detail. You know you guys should probably talk to a lawyer eventually? Wills, power of attorney, stuff like that."

"Yeah, I wanted to pick your brain a little bit. It's too early for most of that stuff, but we did talk about it."

"I'd like to give your brother power of attorney to make medical decisions for me if I'm incapacitated." Leon entered the conversation. Nick turned his head and met Leon's eyes.

"See that was the kind of look I was talking about. Seriously though, that's pretty simple, although it's not the kind of thing people our age usually think about." Nick and Leon exchanged glances again and Paul rolled his eyes. "Are you going to tell me why it occurred to you?"

"We had a little scare," said Nick. "It turned out to be nothing, but he was unconscious."

"And I'm mostly estranged from my parents and I don't trust them to follow my wishes. I don't even trust them to let Nick into the hospital room."

"Ah," said Paul.

"I trust my brother, but he's in California, and he doesn't get along with my parents either."

"Yeah, so if you wanted to be sure he was the one making decisions, he'd need a POA anyway, so might as well give it someone who's right there." Paul paused. "Do you want one too, Nick? You know Mom and Dad wouldn't keep him away from you, but they sort of steamroll over things."

"Yeah, not a bad idea. You won't um..."

"Tell them? No. You're an adult, and you have a right to decide who you want making that kind of decision. And there's no point to upsetting them since it's so unlikely. I passed the bar in New York State, so I can draw those up for you. Probably not this minute, but I can mail them to you and you can get them notarized."

"Thanks. And congratulations."

"Yeah, I guess. I'm already working sixty-plus hours a week, and it'll be worse now that I've passed the bar. From now until I make partner, my life is not my own."

"No time to date, huh?"

"No kidding. Not that I'm bothering until I'm ready to get serious. At least you're getting laid."

Nick giggled, and exchanged a look with Leon, who spluttered for a minute.

"Wait a minute. Aren't you guys a couple or did I just really put my foot in it?"

"No, we're a couple. We just don't um... Leon, how would you put it?"

"Nothing that might need a condom pretty much covers it."

"Wow," said Paul. "I thought I was backwards in that regard. I guess you didn't get caught having sex after all."

"Um, no. Just on the phone with a friend."

"And they freaked out that much?"

"Well, I told him how much I loved him, and he told me how much he wanted to marry me."

"I could see that not going over well," laughed Paul. "Was that the kid from campus fellowship you were hanging out with?"

"Yeah. It was pretty awful, actually."

"Yeah, I can see that being hard for them. It wasn't that easy for you, either, was it?"

"No. I tried to change, but it didn't work for me. Not even with prayer."

"You either?" Paul addressed Leon, suddenly serious.

"No. I'm not sure I tried as hard as your brother did, but God seems to have made me this way."

"So you're as religious as he is?" Paul asked.

Leon nodded.

"It didn't stick with me. I guess I believe in God, but taking all of that stuff in the Bible literally? Not really."

"We kind of both do," said Nick.

"Yeah, but you're happy together?"

"Yeah," said Nick and looked back at Leon. Paul rolled his eyes again.
Chapter Seventeen

They put Leon in the basement in the room Paul had occupied in high school, instead of in the guest room across from Nick's room, but Nick had expected that. Otherwise, his parents treated both of them pretty normally. They only had a couple of days before they had to drive home, but Nick wanted to take Leon to New York, and the next day they tagged along with Paul and his dad when they went in to the city.

Since they lived kind of far out and the buses were not convenient, his father drove in every day and rented a monthly parking space in a garage by his office. His father's parking space cost more a month than Nick's mortgage did, but his parents hadn't wanted to live in a closer suburb, and his father apparently thought the drive and the parking were worth it. Paul still officially lived at home, but had a small apartment in the city, since the hours he worked were so ridiculous.

His dad dropped them off at 57th and 8th, and instructed them not to get into trouble and be at his office by five-thirty. Paul was staying in the city.

Nick wasn't completely sure where to take him, so they walked a couple of blocks over to the park and strolled east towards Fifth Avenue. Nick noticed a couple of other male couples holding hands, and took Leon's cautiously. "Okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, if you say so." Leon answered. "I guess we're in the big wicked city now."

Nick felt a little self-conscious, but no-one said anything, or even looked at them funny. At least not until they passed several horse-drawn carriages. Every single driver seemed to think that Nick and Leon would think a carriage ride was really, really romantic. The third one was particularly persistent. "What do you think? Want to do it?"

"If you're sure your dad won't see us."

"Nah, he's at work. Honestly, it's less weird to ride in one of those things than for us to hold hands."

After the carriage ride they walked down Fifth Avenue, and Nick decided that he was less comfortable holding hands there than he had been in the park. The sidewalk was really too crowded for that, anyway. They stopped into a few stores, looked at windows, ate some hotdogs, and ended up at Rockefeller Center. The afternoon was over all too soon, and they went up to his dad's office. Nick was a little self-conscious about the way the receptionist deferred to them and sent them through to his dad's big corner office. Leon whispered, "He's really important, isn't he?"

Nick whispered back, "Senior VP in charge of some very big deal, I can just never remember what, exactly."

Leon laughed. The drive home consisted of nothing except conversation about his classes and Leon's job. Nick assumed his dad figured that those subjects were completely safe, and things like his home renovations might suddenly reveal uncomfortable levels of intimacy between himself and Leon. Oh, well. He was in a car with his dad and his boyfriend and no-one was yelling, or calling Pastor Brown, or suggesting that an Episcopal priest had lost touch with God. And he got to go home with Leon in two days.

His mother didn't want him to take the bed in his room, but let them take the double from the basement. He did take his TV, and most of the other stuff from his room. There had been a slightly elderly desktop in his room, but Paul had appropriated it for his apartment in NYC for some reason, and Nick didn't think he really needed it back. His mother insisted on giving them various odds and ends of furniture too, and slightly worn towels and linens. It was vaguely embarrassing discussing with her exactly how many beds in what sizes were in his house, but the addition of the double made four, and he really didn't think that could imply that he and Leon shared one.

They got into the heavily laden U-Haul early on Wednesday, figuring that they could easily drive it through. They were right, but they were pretty tired, and left the little truck to unload in the morning. Leon had to go to work, but Nick had the day off, and Phoebe and Angie came over to help. They finally got everything unloaded, and he now had three occasional tables and a floor lamp in his living room. And they probably didn't need to buy towels or bedding for at least five years. Although the only queen size comforters they owned were Leon's navy blue one and a silky pink one with a pattern of bamboo that had once been in his parent's guest room. Nick thought they might have to do something about that sooner rather than later.

Apparently Leon thought so too. When he came home he had a stripey bedding set in mostly blue and orange with him. "White sale. Your mom is awesome, but I don't really want to sleep under a pink comforter. I'm not that kind of gay guy, and I don't think you are either. Want to try it out?"

"Yeah," Nick grinned at him. Tired as they had been the night before they had stroked each other to completion before they fell asleep, but not much else had been happening, even if they had been spending all day together and all night apart for three days. It seemed a little silly to make the bed just to get into it and mess it all up again, but Nick figured it was symbolic.

They got undressed and ready for bed without more than a couple of kisses and then got into bed and just lay in each other arms for a minute. The comforter and shams smelled like department store, which warred for a minute with the smell of Nick's home that came from the smooth ivory sheets. "Welcome home, lover," said Nick.

"Thanks. We are home, aren't we? You and me. Hopefully for forever after?" Leon traced patterns on Nick's face with his finger.

"Yeah. I love you. Forever and ever." Nick gently put his hand on Leon's to stop him and leaned in for a kiss, biting the other man's lip gently before sliding his tongue in. Kissing naked like this roused both of them quickly and snuggling fast turned into straining against each other, dicks pressed together hard. "Oh, not like this, lover. Not yet anyway. Let's try that other thing."

Nick refused to actually look at the pictures, but Leon had brought home a copy of the "Joy of Gay Sex" on the theory that neither of them had a lot of experience, and there were ways that they could please each other that they might not necessarily have thought of. Nick would never have thought of this. Now, Leon kissed his ear and said, "Oh, yeah babe. You like that, don't you?"

Nick nodded and murmured assent.

"You want top or bottom?"

"Top," Nick gasped.

They had left the lube out on the nightstand on Nick's side. This was one of those things that you could do without lube, and they had, but were more fun with. It was certainly more efficient, not to mention faster, hotter and rawer with it. Leon rolled onto his stomach. The things that were coming out of his mouth were certainly raw.

"Come on, babe, give it to me. Give me that dick, nice and smooth. Hotter than fucking my ass. That thing'd break me in two."

Nick squirted a generous amount of lube onto his dick and between Leon's inner thighs, rubbing it into his sac, and all around the sensitive skin there. He approached the idea cautiously, but he knew by now how much Leon liked having his anus stimulated, and he rubbed the puckery little hole gently as well, gingerly penetrating it with a fingertip.

Leon was bucking wildly and attempting to drive his dick into the bed when Nick climbed on top of him and settled onto his lover's back. His slick cock and full balls dangled against Leon's ass and into the crack of his thighs. Leon clenched his thighs tightly around Nick's penis, cradling it there. Nick started a gentle rhythm on top, which stayed gentle for about a minute until Leon started rocking wildly and urging him on. Nick accepted Leon's assertion that it felt like intercourse for the man on top and heaven for the man on bottom. Nick just thought it felt like heaven.

Leon's slick hot thighs encompassed him, and the light scratchiness of the hair on his balls and around his ass felt wonderful, giving him a little extra friction. He kissed Leon's neck, sucking on it frantically, and let the other man set the pace for a minute, and he was there, his whole body jumping with the climax, and sending seed boiling all over Leon's cock and balls. Leon groaned, not quite there, rose up slightly, taking Nick's weight with him, and grabbed himself. A couple of quick pumps, and he shot all over those clean sheets and collapsed back onto the bed, Nick draped over his back.

Nick rolled off him, turned to face him, and kissed him hard. "I love you." He embraced Leon with his entire body, holding him as if they could absorb each other and become one skin.

Leon whispered back, "And I love you. Forever."

