[ Piano playing ]
-Hi, guys. This is Jimmy Fallon,
and this is "The Tonight Show:
Home Edition,"
I guess you can call it.
We really don't know
what this is.
But I wanted to put something
out there for you guys
so that we can just have
some levity
in these bizarre times.
What we're doing right now
is I'm in a room in my house.
My camera operator is my wife.
-Hi.
-Hi, honey.
Thank you for doing this.
And we have my dog Gary.
Gary.
[ Snaps fingers ]
My dog Gary is my first guess.
Hi, Gary. Sit. Sit.
Gary, sit.
Good girl.
-Daddy?
-And then, yeah, hi, Franny.
And just gonna happen.
Franny, do you want
to play the drums?
-No.
-Okay. Perfect.
Well, it is -- We're gonna
just say hi to everyone,
and I hope everyone's safe.
I want to wish everyone
a happy St. Patrick's Day.
Today is St. Paddy's Day,
so happy St. Patrick's Day
to everyone.
-Da-da?
-Yeah.
-I wanna play
"The Incredibles" game.
-I know. I know.
-Uh-huh.
-Let me just do this,
and then we'll play, okay?
-Uh-huh.
-Thank you.
Can you draw me a drawing?
-No.
-Thank you.
-No.
-I heard you.
I asked my other daughter to --
-Gary, come on!
Wha!
-Uh, to draw me a shamrock,
and this is...
-Want to play with me?
-Please -- Thank you.
This is the shamrock
she drew me.
It's a green poop emoji.
So we're gonna be doing
some jokes for you,
maybe a song, or just something.
We'll switch it up every night,
but we want to give you
some type of content
every single night
for as long
as we're gonna do this.
Every night, we're gonna do
a different charity
and talk about
what they're doing for people.
Tonight's charity is...
feedingamerica.org.
Feeding America has
200 food banks nationwide.
They do so much for everyone
who needs food,
and especially at this time,
I always think of people
who are out of work now
to everyone's staying in
who can't get food.
There's also --
I think of a child out there
who just relies
on one meal a day,
and they can't even get that.
These people work tirelessly
to make sure when that happens,
these people get fed.
So please donate whatever
you can to feedingamerica.org,
whether it be $1, $5,
anything is fantastic.
All of the drawing tonight
and the graphics
and artwork are from my --
It's from my 6-year-old.
So this is Winnie's.
Just so you know, that's
my graphics department here.
All right. I'm gonna do some
jokes for you guys right now.
And I want to thank
all the writers
who are sending jokes
in from home.
I appreciate it, and it was
last minute, but thank you.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
I'm so excited to be doing
the show from my panic room --
I mean, living room.
[ Nancy and Jimmy laugh ]
Guys, I'm gonna do some
monologue jokes here, okay?
So, uh, I'm gonna read them
to you here.
Of course,
there's no audience --
Well, there is an audience,
my wife,
but she doesn't really laugh
at everything
that I say, so we'll see.
But if things are funny, but,
hey, just take it with grain --
You know, come on. You know what
we're trying to do here.
Here we go.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
I'm so excited to be doing
the show from my panic room --
I mean, living room.
As you can see,
I'm doing the show from my home
for two reasons --
First, to stop the spread
of the coronavirus.
Second, so I can write off
my real-estate taxes.
That's right, I'm doing the show
from my house in New York,
and this is how crazy
New York traffic is.
I'm doing the show
from my living room,
and I was still
20 minutes late getting in.
But I hope you guys are like me
and enjoying all this
extra time with your family.
Isn't it great?
Today, we binge watched
a couple TV shows,
then we checked out
a couple movies,
and then finally,
my kids said to me,
"Dad, can we watch
something we like?"
So far, it's been pretty fun
at the house.
We've been doing lots of
coloring,
making pillow forts,
doing arts and crafts,
while the kids have been
watching TV in the basement.
But with classes canceled
around the country,
lots of people
are homeschooling their kids.
I'm homeschooling my kids, and
it's working out pretty well.
In fact, my kids have already
learned a valuable lesson --
Their dad is an idiot.
Seriously, after about
15 minutes, my kids said,
"We're transferring
to mom's class."
-[ Chuckles ]
-You liked that one?
But it's been an interesting
few days.
I never thought putting on pants
would feel like
an accomplishment.
These are crazy times.
We're being told not to visit
senior citizens
and to FaceTime them instead.
Whoever came up with that idea
clearly hasn't tried to
FaceTime with someone over 70.
It's like, "No, hold it --
No, hold the phone away --
Okay.
All right, now --
He turned it off.
Turn it -- Let's call him back."
I want to wish everyone
a happy St. Patrick's Day.
Oh, no, that joke,
we aren't gonna do.
We're not gonna do that joke,
'cause it's in the song.
Some big sports news today.
Tom Brady announced that he
is leaving
the New England Patriots
on St. Patrick's Day.
Yikes. For Boston, that's like
getting dumped on your birthday.
At least Brady's announcement
gave ESPN something
to talk about.
Yesterday on "SportsCenter,"
they were airing the NBA's
best bounce passes of 2009.
That's our monologue,
everybody.
Whoo!
-Whoo!
-On St. --
-Winnie!
-Oh.
-Mom!
Dad! Mom!
-Okay.
-On St. Patrick's Day --
That should be a shamrock --
we have to have the staples.
Of course,
I know in these times,
we can't go out,
but we can celebrate.
Of course, Guinness
is the beer of choice,
the stout from Ireland.
And the way
a Guinness works is...
you pour it --
Smoother than that, hopefully.
[ Nancy and Jimmy chuckling ]
That sounded so gross.
I feel like it just exploded
from the inside out.
All right, so, look.
So it looks like --
You go, what is this?
This is a cloudy mess.
Almost looks like -- But see it
all falling right there?
How beautiful is that?
That right there -- That will
all eventually clear up,
and it'll be dark, black,
with a nice white head on top.
It looks really good.
Of course, you have soda bread.
This is an Irish staple.
Not many people --
If you bake this at home,
people in the house really
won't really eat it,
'cause there's caraway
seeds in there,
and it's really kind of
baking soda-y and baking --
it's just a lot of flour,
and it's -- I love it.
I think it's great.
Irish people love it.
But, again, if you make this
at home,
you'll be the only
one kind of eating it.
I mean, honey, you can have
a piece if you'd like.
-I'm good, thanks.
-Yeah, I know.
But if you're gonna do it,
use Kerrygold butter.
This is like --
the Irish butter is the best,
and you put that on there.
It's really thick, kind of
yellow-y type of butter.
And...
Cheers! Is that disgusting?
-[ Chuckles ]
-That's good.
Are you zooming in?
What are you doing?
-[ Chuckles ]
-Well...
I -- Thank you.
It's very dry.
Okay.
It's really, really good.
Happy St. Patrick's Day
to everybody.
Okay, guys.
That's our little show.
Again, if you can donate
to feedingamerica.org,
that would be really helpful.
Thank you to Winnie Fallon
for drawing these up for me
and Franny Fallon for not
participating in the show --
Well, a little musical
accompaniment at the beginning.
And of course, I want to
thank my wife, Nancy.
You are awesome, buddy.
I figured let's end this
with a little song,
and since it's
St. Patrick's Day,
this one's called
"St. Patrick's Day Quarantine."
♪♪
♪ Well, it's St. Paddy's Day,
I'm quarantined ♪
♪ I'm in me house alone ♪
♪ No one to drink
a Guinness with ♪
♪ Unless it's through me phone ♪
♪ So kiss me, I'm Irish,
but stay six feet away ♪
♪ 'Cause no one wants to get
a virus on St. Paddy's Day ♪
♪♪
♪ I'm socially distancing
and stocking up on cans ♪
♪ With four-leaf clovers on
my mind and Purell on my hands ♪
♪ And if you try
to shake my hands ♪
♪ I'll kick ya in the rump ♪
♪ So do not kiss
the Blarney Stone ♪
♪ Just give it an elbow bump ♪
Happy St. Patrick's Day,
everybody!
Ye-hoo!
Uh, all right, guys.
I'm gonna go.
Please watch the rest
of our show on NBC.
We are putting our best reruns
we can on there for you.
We do want to entertain you.
This is tough times.
We can get through
this together.
We can.
Be safe.
Wash your hands.
And don't touch your face!
See you tomorrow!
Wheee!
