(upbeat instrumental music)
- Germany, one of the
first countries to reopen
and the place the ruined tiny
mustaches for the rest of us.
One non-human victim of
the coronavirus pandemic
has been Germany's famous clubbing scene
but now, there's a new club for Germans
who can't wait to get
back to the dance floor
but still wanna be responsible.
- [Reporter] Well, the clubs are closed
but the beat goes on for partygoers
at this drive-in rave in Germany.
DJs pumped out the music
to the car-bound crowd.
Socially distant dancing was allowed
with no more than two people per vehicle.
(upbeat instrumental music)
(car horns honk)
- Jawhol.
Because of corona, Germans
have started attending raves
in their cars,
which I guess explains the new options
at their gas stations.
And I can't wait to see
all the new club dances
that are gonna be inspired by this.
10 and two, 10 and two, do the
10 and two, come on, y'all.
But once again, corona is
making people appreciate
the things that we used to hate
because you realize right
now this is a drive-in rave
but before corona we
just called that traffic.
Yeah, look at that.
You can't tell if it's a rave
or just rush hour on the 405.
So that's the party scene
for adults in Germany
and the good news is in
China kids can also get back
to having fun, too.
- [Anchor] Disneyland in
Shanghai just reopened today
and this could pave the way for
Disney World in Orlando to reopen.
Give you an idea of what to expect.
The park in China is going to be kept
at less than 30% capacity,
lines and rides are going to be spaced out
to meet social distancing guidelines,
and visitors will be screened for fevers.
Characters, also, are no longer
giving hugs or high fives
but visitors can still take selfies.
- Yes, this is great news.
Disneyland Shanghai is back in business,
just with a few added safety measures
such as no hugging the characters,
you like Cinderella,
(image whooshes)
Ariel,
(image whooshes)
and Snow White.
(image whooshes)
(images whoosh)
and I know that's really
gonna suck for all the
kids and their creepy dads.
And I think staying away
from Disney characters
is a great idea,
especially Donald Duck.
(image whooshes)
I mean, that dude doesn't wear pants
and he spits when he talks.
(image whooshes)
He's like a one-man
corona factory. (buzzes)
Now, if Disneyland wants me to come back,
they've gotta add even more precautions.
I'm not playing with my life.
First of all, Disneyland,
you've gotta get rid
of the seven dwarves.
Yeah, I'm sorry but
Sneezy and Sleepy,
(image whooshes)
those guys are not cute anymore.
Those are just coronavirus symptoms.
Oh, and also, from now
on I say that nobody
should be allowed to open their mouth
when they're screaming on a ride.
You just gotta hold it on.
(air whooshes)
(Trevor groans)
And finally, in Canada
people still aren't able
to go out and have fun
but one province is
offering at least some help
to families on lockdown.
You see, the old rule was
that you were only allowed
to have contact with people
in your household bubble,
as it was called.
But now, they're saying
that families can choose
to double bubble by pairing
up with another family.
Yeah, so each household
will be allowed to hang out
with members from another household
and you can only choose one family
and that decision is final.
It's the perfect solution
for all those people
who are tired of screaming
at their own family.
Now you have a whole
new family to scream at.
And let's be honest, there's
probably never gonna be
a better time to bring your first family
and your secret family together.
Honey, I have to confess something.
I have a secret family.
What?
So you're telling me there's
somewhere we could have gotten
extra Purell this whole time
and you didn't say anything.
If I was in Canada, I would choose to live
with Drake.
(image whooshes)
Yeah, no one's thought of that.
(image whooshes)
Have you seen the size
of his house?
(image whooshes)
It's so big you could
double bubble for months
with that mother (beep) and the
two of you would never meet.
(image whooshes)
♪ Left side's yours ♪
♪ Right side's mine ♪
(air whooshes)
Justin Trudeau.
(image whooshes)
Canada's prime minister
and America's sexy upstairs neighbor.
(image whooshes)
As Canada continues it's
battle against coronavirus,
Trudeau has decided to become
a little more hands on.
- Kids might be struggling
a little bit with homework
but if they need a little help,
there's somebody who's ready to step in.
- Hey, kids.
I know we're all going through
a difficult time right now,
and it's not made any easier
by the fact that you have
to do your homework
around the kitchen table.
Well, as a teacher, I wanna help.
If you've encountered
challenges or problems
that are really tough and you
need a little extra help with,
why don't you reach out by
responding to this message
or using the hashtag.
- Okay, this is just adorable.
Justin Trudeau is gonna help Canadian kids
with their homework.
This is the sort of thing
you can only get away with
if you're prime minister
because any other dude
offering kids help on the internet,
yeah, they're just getting
a visit from the cops.
And I really hope that he
sticks to regular subjects
like math and science 'cause
the last thing we need
is Trudeau branching out
into makeup tutorials.
But seriously though, this is great.
In fact, I hope Trudeau
inspires other world leaders
to offer homework lessons.
Like Vladimir Putin,
he'd be amazing at math.
(image whooshes)
Here is easy way
to solve math problem.
You phone KGB, then poof,
math problem disappear.
And speaking of schoolwork,
as countries around the world
prepare to open up schools,
the question is how can they do it safely?
Well, this viral video from
China is giving us a glimpse
of a possible future.
(cheerful instrumental music)
- All right, that process
seems really effective
but sweet lord, it took forever.
I mean, goddamn, throw in an avocado mask
and you've got a full spa treatment.
Oh, and by the way,
this might work in China
but good luck trying this
at an American school.
All right, hold on everybody.
I just wanna spray your shoes real quick.
Are you crazy, lady?
These are the
Air Jordan 5s
(image whooshes)
(image whooshes)
Just teach loud,
I'll stand outside the window.
Goddamn, she's trying to mess
with my sneakers and shit.
Meanwhile, here's some
good news for New Yorkers
who miss their old life
from before the lockdown.
Although New York City is at least
a month away from reopening,
the New York Public Library
has released an album
of all the authentic New York City noises
that people haven't been
able to hear for two months,
including traffic noise,
subways, construction,
and even crowded streets.
Although if they really
wanted to be accurate,
they should also include sounds
of people booing the Knicks,
a bike rider slamming into a car door,
and then just 20 minutes of taxi drivers
saying they won't go to
Harlem, but they won't say why.
You know why.
But they won't say why.
And by the way, I'm really
impressed that a library
is putting out this album
'cause I mean, think about it.
Noise is the sworn enemy of libraries.
This is like a movie theater giving out
free Netflix passwords.
You know you guys can
watch this stuff at home.
You don't really need to be here.
And most people never would have thought
they'd miss the sounds on New York, right.
But that made us realize
that maybe after quarantine is over,
we're gonna miss the sounds
of the lockdown, too.
So we put together a
little album of our own
just to help us remember.
(calm instrumental music)
- One day the pandemic
will be over but how will we
remember these good times.
Introducing "The Sounds of Quarantine".
We've compiled all the
sounds that you'll miss
when life goes back to normal.
Sounds like family Togetherness.
(people yelling)
(hands knocking)
- [Dad] Goddamn it, can
Daddy have five minutes
to take a dump?
- [Narrator] The
neighbor's musical talents.
(trumpet honking)
Romance.
- [Man] Why do you never wanna have sex?
- [Woman] You haven't showered in weeks.
- [Man] YouTube says corona
can come through the pipes.
- [Narrator] Cleansing ritual.
♪ Happy birthday, wash your hands ♪
♪ Happy birthday, wash your hands ♪
- [Narrator] And teamwork.
(bell dings)
- Bill, can you hear me?
Bill, you need to log back in.
Shit, let's all just log back in.
- [Narrator] So order your copy today
and we'll send you a bonus
track, morning recovery.
(people yelling)
(man sobbing)
- [Dad] Daddy needs more time to poop.
(air whooshes)
- Restaurants,
you know, the place
where someone takes you
to break up with you when they could have
just sent you a text.
I don't understand how we
went halfsies for the meal
but I paid fully for
the heartbreak, Sheila.
Health officials say that
when restaurants reopen,
in the age of corona,
people will need to sit a few feet apart
from each other, for safety.
But the question is, how do we do that?
Well, one of the country's top restaurants
has come up with an imaginative way
to avoid the awkwardness of
having a bunch of empty seats.
- Well, some places that we
go you know social distancing
can feel a little awkward, like maybe
lots of empty spaces in a
restaurant, for example.
So a North Virginia
restaurant is filling in
the missing people with mannequins.
The Inn at Little Washington,
which is a renowned fancy
place I have learned,
three Michelin stars, will
soon open for half capacity,
likely at the end of the month
but the empty tables will
feature these frozen friends
in vintage 1940s-style outfits.
- Yes, if eating in half-empty restaurant
makes you uncomfortable,
now you have the option of
eating in the final scene
of a horror movie.
Much more relaxing.
Also, how bad would you
feel if you're eating alone
and then you look over and
you see that even the guy
made out of plastic
was able to get a date.
And look, I get what this
restaurant was trying to do
but I think they went too
far when they also used
mannequins to occupy
all the bathroom stalls.
Excuse me, what's taking
so long in there, come on.
I gotta get back to my table.
I think Sheila's gonna propose.
I mean, why else would she bring me here?
Why would someone bring you here
if they're not going to propose?
You know who's probably really
going to love this restaurant?
Mark Zuckerberg.
(image whooshes)
Wow, everyone at this place
is so lifelike.
Bartender, a round of
shots for my fellow humans.
Speaking of the Zuck,
(image whooshes)
Facebook,
the world largest social network
and elderly TikTok
(image whooshes)
is bringing millions
of users together in a
really unexpected way.
- More than a million
people are spending time,
during quarantine, pretending to be ants.
- So this Facebook group is called
"Group Where We All Pretend
to be Ants in a Colony".
Look at one of the posts here.
Ants crawling on ice cream.
One person says, "Lunch with me
"and then take some to the queen."
You can see the comments say,
"Nom,"
(anchor laughs)
"Slurp," and "Lift to queen."
- Okay, this is really interesting.
To take their minds off
of the stress of corona,
millions of Facebook users
are pretending to be ants.
And you though you were
the only one in quarantine
feeling a little antsy. (laughs)
Back to you, Sandra.
Look man, I get it, I get it.
Who wouldn't want to live
the carefree life of an ant.
All right, you just spend
all your time carrying crumbs
5,000 times your body weight until the day
some asshole kid
(image whooshes)
steps on you because he's bored.
Sound like a dream.
(image whooshes)
Now, I know a lot of
people are just having fun
but please remember,
whenever there's something
really fun on Facebook,
there's a good chance it's
created by the Russians.
Let's all pretend to be ants.
We bring sugar to queen then
we not vote for Joe Biden.
And finally, here's another way
people are keeping from going
crazy during this pandemic.
Taking the coronavirus outside
and beating the crap out of it.
- [Journalist] Well, this
strange sight showed up
in a backyard in Aledo.
What is it?
It's a COVID-19 pinata, of course.
Jennifer Wersal tells us a friend made it
for her son's 18th birthday last weekend.
Well apparently, people like
the idea of using a pinata
for some stress release and a few laughs.
ABC Party in Oak Cliff,
known for the colorful pinatas it makes
to celebrate special occasions,
has added the coronavirus
pinata to its lineup.
- We can dress it for different occasions
like our kids that didn't
get to have a graduation.
We're gonna put a cap and
maybe put a gown on it
so that they can just hit it
and get their frustration out.
- Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
People are making corona pinatas
and showing the virus who's boss.
Except instead of candy,
a bunch of hydroxychloroquine
pills falls out.
Self-medication.
But here's a tip.
If you've got coronavirus strung up,
make sure to interrogate
it before you destroy it.
We need to find out it's secrets.
Who sent you?
Are you the Chinese virus or
are you the European virus?
Or do people just change
your name depending
on their political affiliations, huh?
I just party that Trump
doesn't see one of these videos
because you know he's going to propose it
at the next briefing.
And I saw some people using sticks
to destroy the coronavirus.
Maybe we can put sticks inside people.
Maybe we shrink down the sticks
and beat the coronavirus
inside the bodies.
Can we check that out?
Is that something we can do?
So go out there, have some
fun and smash a corona pinata.
Just whatever you do,
don't use a bat
(image whooshes)
because corona loves bats.
(upbeat instrumental music)
Ha-ha, thank you, guys,
thank you, thank you.
(air whooshes)
Canada,
the only country where
syrup has legal rights
and where one family found
live in a hopeless place.
Carolyn Ellis wasn't going to
let coronavirus restrictions
stop her from giving her mom
a big hug on Mother's Day.
She and her husband created
what they called the hug glove
in their backyard in Ontario, Canada.
It is a plastic sheet with sleeves in it
to allow hugs while
preventing direct contact.
Ellis says she and her
mother were in tears
but it's hard to say if
they were tears of joy,
tears of laughter, or
maybe a little bit of both.
- Okay, I'm sorry, like I don't wanna cry
but this is the sweetest
story of a grandma
in a full-body condom
that I've ever heard.
Seriously though, this is
a heartwarming invention.
And like, it's wonderful for that family
and it's also wonderful
for shower curtains
because think about it.
Normally, shower curtains
see us at our worst.
We're naked, we're cleaning our butts,
we're singing off key.
But now, this one shower
curtain got outside
to see that humans, we're not all bad.
So I think this is a really sweet idea
although you know it won't take long
for people to start using it
for the wrong reasons, right?
I mean now, grandmas are getting hugs
but soon two guys out at the
bar are just gonna be like,
what did you say to me?
Ah hell no, ah hell no,
get into the plastic, man.
Let's handle this shit like men.
Get into the plastic.
Moving on, there no denying that one thing
we miss the most right now is traveling.
You know, seeing new places,
visiting your family,
fleeing to a country without extradition.
Well now, there's a new
company that gives you
a little taste of travel right at home.
- Just because you're
stuck at home doesn't mean
you can't get some airline food.
The aptly named company
Imperfect Foods is selling
the snacks previously given
to airline customers and passengers.
The company is dedicated
to eliminating food waste.
So for just $3 a package, you can enjoy
the Jet Blue crackers and cheese.
- Yes, if you've been
craving pulverized crackers
and cheese that tastes
like a pencil eraser,
well, this is your lucky day.
And you know, I hope they
don't stop at airline food
'cause in my dream
world, for an extra fee,
they'll also send someone
with a strong body odor
to sit on my couch and fight
me for my own arm rest.
(chuckles) I feel like
I'm on vacation already.
For real though, guys,
who in their right mind,
who in their right mind
would think airplane food
is the thing that people
miss most about air travel?
Who wants that?
This would be like if
Coachella tried to recreate
the festival experience
by sending you dust
and a port-o-potty.
(image whooshes)
It's just like I'm there.
And finally, do you sometimes wish
that you could say screw safety,
I'm just gonna grab all my friends
and run wild through the streets.
Well, it turns out
you're not the only one.
- Invasion of the goat.
That was the scene in one neighborhood
after a heard of goats got loose.
The goats managed to knock
over an electric fence
and took a leisurely
stroll through the streets.
Neighbors had to open up a side gate
and lead the goats back where
they were supposed to be.
Nobody was hurt, but there
was some minor damage.
- [Man] Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Yaa.
Go, go, go.
- Holy shit.
Did you see that?
Not one of those goats is wearing a mask.
Oh ho, Fauci's
(image whooshes)
not gonna be happy.
I will say, though, those
goats are tempting fate
running through the streets like that
when there's a meat
shortage in the country.
Yeah, 'cause they can
run wild in the suburbs
but if they try that shit in the Bronx,
my Jamaican peeps will turn them
into a curry like that. (snaps)
Ah ha ha, what is?
Look here, a first time
goat delivered himself, yes.
What a goat meat.
But look, man, it's clear to
see what's happening here.
Humans have stayed inside for too long
and now animals have forgotten who's boss.
And you realize what that means.
When lockdown is over, we're
gonna have to fight them
to take back our streets.
Yeah, as soon as quarantine ends,
the first goat I see I'm gonna be like,
hey yo, goat, get into the plastic.
we handling this like men.
(upbeat instrumental music)
