 
# Harrigan's Take

# Harrigan's Take

## Mark A Labbe

## 2014

Copyright © 2014 by Mark A Labbe

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or scholarly journal.

ISBN: 9781310214059

First Printing: 2015

Mark A Labbe

_For my family, of course_.

# Foreword

Bi-polar disorder is a debilitating illness marked by periods of depression and mania. According to the National Institute of Health, between 20% to 50% of people who suffer from this disorder try to commit suicide at least once. It is a powerful force that can make life exceptionally difficult. The most insidious thing about bi-polar disorder is the fact that even when you are not manic or depressed you still can be suffering from the aftershocks of what you might have experienced while having an episode. Bi-polar disorder is not the same for everyone. It can manifest itself in a variety of ways. That said, the depiction of Mark Harrigan in this book is not meant to identify all bi-polar people as being similar to him. His experiences are his own.

# The Account Begins

## December 4, 1989. West Palm Beach, FL

I don't know what is more annoying, the silence of this place, or the potential for that silence to be broken when some dipshit comes into my eight by eight, no window, no ventilation office to give me some mundane task. I can't complain that much, though. I've been here over three hours without a peep. Spending my time reading a book and writing this diary.

Jay is at the courthouse getting records for that asshole Tony Pina. Bloodsucker. Drives around in a silver BMW with the license plate "LAWKING." I don't think he's won a case in over a year. Debby Hutchins says he might get shit canned. But, he walks around like he is going to make partner any day. Two weeks ago he had Jay and me wash his car in the parking lot. I complained about it to Susan, our office manager, and she just shrugged and told me it was part of the job. I had the bright idea to key Tony's car, but Jay said no. The bastard would blame us and we would get fired.

Debby Firth supposedly banged Tony, a married man with three kids and a large house in some well-kept subdivision where those who have live. I live in a shitty little apartment in an ever so crappy part of West Palm Beach, not far from the airport. It's kind of an industrial section. Crime isn't too bad. Nobody really bothers you. So, again, I can't complain too much. Just rubs me raw when I see assholes succeed. I keep thinking I'll get out of the slump I'm in and do something with my life. Maybe I'll go back to college. I'll have to pay for it myself this time, of course. Mom and Dad weren't too thrilled when I dropped out, especially because I had managed to get into a top engineering school. But, there is no point dwelling on that. It wasn't a good fit for me, as evidenced by my poor grades.

On my wall there are many newspaper clippings. Most are funny, some tragic. Jay and I collect them. Sometimes we draw obscene pictures and tack them up, but we usually have to take them down when someone complains. I'm surprised nobody has complained about our long jumper. We found a picture of some woman doing the long jump. Frontal shot with her mid-air, legs spread apart. We cut out a picture of a man's head and taped it to her crotch. I don't know why it's so funny, but it cracks me up.

I don't know if Debby Firth really humped Tony, but it wouldn't surprise me. She seems kind of slutty and I'm going to guess she does her fair share of blow. I know Tony is into the powder because I caught him snorting a line in the bathroom. He didn't seem to care. Walked right out of the bathroom as if nothing had happened. I'm not too innocent myself. I've been getting speed from Teresa. She sells it cheap. Sometimes some of us from the office(not the lawyers, of course) go out. When we do, Teresa and I get tweaked. Tons of laughs. Jay doesn't generally do drugs, and barely drinks, but that's okay with me. He is a great designated driver and doesn't seem to mind too much when I get sloshed and need a lift.

Where the hell is Jay? He has been gone over an hour. We were supposed to play darts in the storage area.

The storage area is a large room on the west side of the building that houses at least five hundred document storage boxes. There are also a number of pieces of discarded furniture there. Darts is a game in which you stand at the far end of the room and try to hit the item or items that your opponent selects. After your turn, your opponent has to hit the same objects. I'm pretty shitty when it comes to darts. My hands just aren't steady enough for it. It's my tremor. Have had it since I was a kid. Makes a bunch of things difficult, like writing, for instance. Imagine writing at one tenth the speed of everyone else. Now, go to college and try to take notes at the speed one of those demented professors lectures. It's brutal. Still, I play darts. Dropped out of college, but I'm not about to give up darts.

Tonight, Jay and I are going to go to Finnegan's. Jay's brother is the DJ there. Seems weird to me that an Irish pub would have a DJ, but then it's not much of an Irish pub. Mainly it is a place for the lower middle class to try to hook up, either with each other or their drug of choice. I'm going to drop acid and see how things go. Maybe I'll get lucky. Nothing like sex on acid. Not one thing.

Fucking Jay. Hurry the fuck up, man. I'm getting bored.

## December 5, 1989. West Palm Beach, FL

So, I guess the first thing is the acid was really speedy. I was up all night. Now I feel like my guts have been sucked out of me. Nothing worse than this, other than maybe washing Tony Pina's car.

Finnegan's was roaring last night. There were girls everywhere. Hot girls. I didn't hook up there though. I was tripping too hard to say anything intelligible to anyone other than Jay. Jay's brother, Ted, kept fucking with me from his little DJ booth. He kept calling out my name and calling me West Palm Beach's most eligible bachelor. That got plenty of laughs from the crowd.

I guess that should have insulted me, but it makes sense, really. I don't have a lot of money. I don't dress well. I shower only when it is absolutely necessary, like when Susan tells me to go home and clean up, in her ever so polite way. So, I think to the average woman, I'm probably a bit of a loser. It's one thing that makes me consider going back to college.

Jay and I closed the bar last night. He had picked up some chick named Maggie. Strange girl, big tits. That left me to drive myself home in an overly impaired state. But, of course, I couldn't just go home. I had to go to a strip bar, and to make matters worse, the sleaziest strip bar in Palm Beach County. And, as if that wasn't enough, I ended up fucking one of the strippers in my car. Now I'm sure I have stains on my back seat. Sure, it's a total beater of a car, but it doesn't mean I should cover it with semen. Anyway, this stripper, Gail or something like that was very into me and asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend. Kinda forward for a first date, if you ask me. Being high as nobody's business I asked her how much that would cost me. A slap on the face and a slammed door later, Gail was out of my life. I had it coming. It's difficult to keep my acidic statements from popping out of me like that.

I wonder if Gail has VD.

After that I drove to a twenty-four hour porn shop, as if I hadn't had enough sex that night. There I spent at least an hour looking at smut, finally settling on a magazine with some fat, hairy guy boning this red-haired woman with absolutely enormous tits. I will add it to my collection of porn, which I keep lying around my apartment. Nobody other than Jay ever comes over, and I'm sure he has a similar collection based on some of the things he's said, so it doesn't embarrass me. Anyway, as I went to get in my car, some guy in the parking lot asked me if I wanted a blow-job. It was a weird moment. First, let me start by saying I'm not gay. At least, I don't think I am. And, I have never done anything even remotely gay in my life. But, in that moment, I paused and considered what it would be like to have this guy suck me off. I didn't do it, of course, but I paused, and I think that pause meant something, although I do not know what.

At home, I sat on my couch and turned on the TV. It was four in the morning. Nothing was on and I couldn't sleep. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't horny. I had nothing to do. So, I just sat there until around eight. Then I showered off the remnants of Gail or whatever her name was, and came to work, my second home.

Jay informed me that he didn't sleep with Maggie last night. She isn't that kind of girl, according to him. I see that as a warning sign. The last thing I want is for Jay to get into a serious relationship. He is my only friend.

Jay is sitting here now, reading the paper. We have a bunch of things to do around the office today, but neither one of us is really up to it. I figure we'll wait until someone asks us how we are doing with our chores before we actually do any work. I'm only getting paid eleven dollars an hour, which isn't bad, but hardly what I would call a reasonable wage. So, I'll give what I get.

Jay said he is going to take Maggie out tonight. Asked if I wanted to come along, but I said no. I need sleep. Maybe I'll whack it to my new porno mag.

## December 14, 1989, West Palm Beach, FL

Lot's of bad stuff going on in the world. Some drug lord in Columbia set off a bomb that killed over fifty people, and then some psycho named Marc Lepine went on a killing spree in Canada somewhere. Add that to the Marc Davis contract and you have some pretty shitty stuff.

Ho Ho Ho, Christmas is near. Jay doesn't like Christmas. He refuses to give or receive presents. I always buy him a lottery ticket. He'll take that any day. No winners yet, but he has agreed to split it with me if he wins. Jay is a stand up guy. Me, a little less so. Revision: I am not a stand up guy at all. There, I admitted it.

We're sitting here in our little eight by eight paradise, with four hours left on the clock. We played darts for a while. I actually won this time. After the game we inspected the storage area. We have done some serious damage to some of the boxes and a few of the chairs that are in our designated target area. Ah, the good times.

Tomorrow is Friday, and that means we are going to raise hell. Jay is a drummer in a band. They mostly play classic rock, sometimes some fusion stuff. They'll be playing on some sort of party boat in Jupiter tomorrow. Should be interesting. Doubt there will be much in the way of girls there though. I bet it will mostly be a bunch of middle agers. It will still be fun. Cheap drinks and I might bring along some speed and strike up a few conversations. I'm always chatty on speed. Brings out the best in me.

My primary love interest who has no interest in me, Nara, called me to tell me she is dropping out of college and is moving back in with her parents. Says we can hang out some time. Of course, the only reason she is going to hang out with me is because everyone else she knows is in college. Well, that and it is a chance for her to commiserate with a fellow drop out. I'll take what I can get. Maybe, if I play things just right, she will come over to the Mark side. Anyway, she gets back next Thursday. Maybe she will go with me to Jay's next gig. Get her liquored up and ready to roll. Maybe I'll give her some speed and see how that works out.

I've known her since grade school and have always had a thing for her. She is the rebellious type, but with a soft side. I think the edge is a result of her somewhat abusive, alcoholic stepfather, Dwight. He doesn't hit her or anything. It's all verbal stuff. Still, it is shitty as can be. I met Dwight once and wasn't impressed, but at the time I already knew what a prick he was. Nara's mom is also pretty critical. And, now, after dropping out, Nara says she is an absolute monster.

My parents are strange. They are nice, or at least indifferent to my siblings and me, but they fight with each other. Their fights always end with threats of divorce. I can't keep track of who is divorcing whom. I used to worry about them actually getting a divorce, but came to the conclusion that it was all just part of some game and that there would never be a divorce. I don't even know what they fight about. Maybe sometimes it's me or my sister or brother, but I think more often than not it is purely internal politics. Maybe my dad is unhappy that he isn't getting enough blowjobs and my mom is pissed that he refuses to go down on her. I honestly don't know.

Still hours to go. I'm getting sick of writing this and I'm only a few pages in. What possessed me to write a diary? It's really kind of gay. And no, I'm not thinking about that guy who offered me a blowjob right now. That is completely out of my mind. Really.

## December 23, 1989. West Palm Beach, FL

When Nara told me she was engaged, I shit my pants. Well, I almost did. That and I started feeling quite sick to my stomach. The love of my life was getting married...to a drug dealer. I mean, he is really a small time drug dealer, not one of those guys who will cut your head off and play soccer with it. Still, a drug dealer. I was surprised she would even admit that.

It happened like this. I picked her up from her home yesterday and drove her to Jay's gig. He was playing a small club on Clematis Street, a decent place to hang out. On the drive over she didn't say much. I didn't want to push it so I stayed silent. Better to act cool than be pushy. As we were parking I noticed the ring on her finger. It was this narrow band with a tiny diamond on it. I'm not sure it is a real diamond. Not sure how much a small time drug lord makes in a year, but judging by the size of the stone, not much.

So, we go into the club and get a table and she starts to open up. She tells me she failed out of school because she was partying too much. Didn't care. She hated it anyway and she figured she could get some sort of job in the fashion industry or something like that. I'm not so sure. I mean, I like the way Nara dresses, but I'm a total slob. What if she is a slob too? So, she goes on to say that she is going to get a job and make some money and then move in with Rick. Rick. A complete dick name. I swear to God, I have never met a guy named Rick that didn't deserve to die. Fucking Rick. Anyway, she tells me that she is engaged to this douche bag and that they plan on getting married in Key West. At that point I took her drink order and went to the bar to catch my breath.

My goal at that point was simple. I was going to get her wasted. I wasn't going to try to have sex with her, but I was going to get inside her head and see what was really going on, and hopefully find out what she thought of me. I wanted to see if there was any way I could edge this asshole Rick out of the picture. Nara and I had been friends for so long, I knew she had to have thought about us at least once. So, we drank, and we listened to Jay's band, which she really liked. After a few gin and tonics she loosened up, and so did I. It gets a little fuzzy after the fourth round, but I do remember telling her Rick was the anti-christ and that she should marry me. Some proposal. She laughed. During the course of the conversation, when Jay's band would take a break, he would sit with us. The more inebriated I got, the more Nara and Jay made fun of me. It was all playful enough, but in my deranged state I wasn't sure what to make of it.

The bottom line is I got laid. I guess I charmed her enough for that. As for marriage and kids and a house in the burbs, that is all up in the air. I don't think it looks good though. Jay thinks it was a pity fuck. I don't know what to think. All I know is I can still smell her on me and it is making me loopy.

Now, the problem is I don't know how to approach her anymore. I am afraid to call and terrified to see her. What if I was a lousy lay? I guess that doesn't matter. We were both so fucked up I don't think either of us felt anything. What a waste of an opportunity, an opportunity I will probably never have again. I'm such a fuckwad.

I'm here now in my apartment. It's eleven AM and I have a hangover that is driving me deep into depression. Every move I could possibly make at this point is a bad move. If I call her it will be a disaster. If I don't call her I will worry that I should have called her. This is one of those ever increasingly frequent moments where all I want to do is die. Wouldn't that be best? Jay says I'm a retard when I get this way. He thinks I should just call and act like nothing big happened. Say it was a fun night and that we should do it again. Some such shit. I know I'll call her, and I pray that when I do I won't fuck anything up too seriously. God, I want to die. Just too chicken-shit to actually off myself.

I'm looking around my apartment, porno mags strewn about, thinking that maybe a little beat off session might brighten things up. I'll think of Nara. God I wish I remembered what she looked like naked. That would really help move things along. 

## December 24, 1989. West Palm Beach, FL

Yeah, I called her. Yeah, I fucked it up. I could have stayed cool like Jay said I should, but instead I had to ask her if she was reconsidering marriage. Nara said she thought I was cute and that she really liked me, then added something about our personalities not being a good match. She could have called me a human train-wreck, but she didn't, although I suspect that was on the tip of her tongue the whole time. Fuck a duck. Fuck a fucking duck. She still wants to hang out, though. So, I've got that going for me.

Tomorrow is Christmas. I managed to find gifts for my parents. My siblings and I don't exchange gifts. I bought Jay his lotto ticket. Hopefully this one will be a winner. And, of course, I bought something for Nara, although now I really am not sure I should give it to her. Well, what I bought, actually, was tin foil. Out of that tin foil I made a ring with a big tin foil rock on it. It is a joke gift really, but maybe the timing isn't right. Who knows? Maybe it could lighten the mood. I also got a small jewelry box to put it in, to make it even funnier, ha ha. I still want to die.

Jay has been talking about doing a road trip. Not sure where he has in mind. We'll take his Jeep, of course. My car probably couldn't make it too far without issues. This is probably what I need to take my mind off of things.

Christmas dinner is going to be a bear. I know my dad is going to pressure me to go back to school. My mom will agree, of course, and they will both point out how well my older brother, who graduated from college a few years ago, is doing. God I hate my brother. I'd like to slip some speed into his coffee at work and see how wonderful his day ends up. He is a lawyer. I hate lawyers. More than anything, I hate Tony Pina. He is the worst.

Maybe I should call her now.

## January 1, 1990. Key West, FL

Happy fucking New Year! Holy shit. Okay, so on Friday, after work, Jay and I went out for some drinks. Unlike all of the other times when he didn't really drink, he really drank. He drank buckets. Apparently, he and Maggie did it. According to him, it was amazing. I really didn't want to know that. Anyway, at least it got him to loosen up some.

So, after finishing off a twelve pack, Jay says its time to go and I say where to. He says we need to get another twelve pack first, so we do. Then we start driving. As we were driving, we continued drinking. Jay had the top down and had removed the doors. My seat belt was broken(some asshole had cut it in two a few months back), so there was a good chance that I could have been thrown from the Jeep if we had an accident. But I didn't care. I was piss drunk and hooting and hollering. Jay was doing much the same. If we got pulled over Jay would have been fucked. But, whatever.

So, we get on I95 going south. I ask where we're going and Jay just says I'll see when I see. That's Jay for you, a man of mystery. I sit back and take it all in, beer in hand and two speed pills running through me.

By the time we reached Miami, I was delirious, and things started getting foggy. For some reason, the speed wasn't keeping me awake. Bad speed, I figure.

I don't know when I passed out, or where we were when I did. What I do remember is waking up in the back of the Jeep curled up in a ball with Jay shaking my shoulder asking me if I was okay. I got up and looked around and I'll be damned if we weren't in Key West. Jay, drunk as he was, had made it all the way to Key West. He looked like he was about to pass out, so, I suggested we get a cheap motel room and crash. Jay agreed in his agreeable way.

Much later, when we woke up, we hung out in Key West. Went to a few bars, drank ourselves silly and then headed home on Sunday.

It's Monday. I'm at work and I can barely keep my eyes open. Jay called in sick, that bastard.

## Jan 7, 1990. West Palm Beach, FL

As I write this I am still in shock and utter disbelief. Jay won the lottery with my ticket. Thirty-five million dollars. That is the highest payout for a single person ever.

Of course, Jay called the moment he found out, and said he intended to keep his promise and give me half. So, again, Jay is a stand up guy. Me, well, we know the answer to that. He is coming over today and we are both going to sign the ticket. I think after taxes it will give us each something around nine million dollars. Nine million dollars. Go fuck yourself Tony Pina. You don't have shit compared to me.

I've been thinking I'm going to leave my job gracefully. That would be the right thing to do. I'll give them my two weeks as will Jay, because he is that type of person, and then Jay and I will train our replacements and be rid of this horrible place. Not sure if we will leave our replacements the darts. Certainly, we will not let them have our wall of shame. I am calling the picture of the long jumper. I'm going to have that framed and put it in the office I will have in my mansion.

Jay says it is best that we don't tell too many people about our good fortune. He says that it will change them from friends to parasites. I get it, but I don't have any real friends other than Jay. I mean, I guess you could call Nara a friend of sorts, but not in the true friends kind of way. Not sure if I'm going to tell her anyway because I'm not sure what she would do. I mean, she will probably figure it out when I pick her up in my new Ferrari(Jay is going to tell me to not get a Ferrari). I guess I could tell her my parents bought it for me. They are loaded after all. My dad, the commodities broker or some such thing, makes tons of money. I wonder how much he's worth.

There will be nothing for my brother and sister. They can leech off my father, like piglets sucking on a teat.

I wonder how long it takes the lottery people to give you the money. I hope we'll get it soon. Can't wait to start the makeover on my life.

List of things I intend to get:

A mansion in Palm Beach

A Ferrari.

A less pretentious car for when I visit friends and family...maybe a Jeep

New clothes

A kick-ass stereo, although I'm not sure what to get

Tons of CD's

Of course, furniture for the mansion

Some guitars

A grand piano

Something nice, but not too expensive for Nara

And...I don't know. I'll figure it out as I go

Funny how hard it is to think of things to buy. When I lived with my parents, we had everything. I mean, not really everything, but a lot. My dad is no spendthrift, but he does buy nice things. That reminds me, I'm going to get my electric train collection from my parent's house. I'll have a room just for my trains in my mansion. God, I love that word. Mansion. Mansion. Mansion.

Finally, I'm not going to let the money change me or change my friendship with Jay. No way. I'm still Mark Harrigan age twenty-one. Well, I might become less of a drug-addled loser. That would be nice.

Oh, and another thing... Jay says we need financial planners to help us manage the money. He says we need to invest in stocks and bonds and other such things so that we can make money off of our money. I knew that anyway because of my father, but it is easy to forget such things when you get caught up in the moment. I figure Jay and I can both use the same financial planner.

And, I was thinking about college. Maybe it would be a good idea to get my education. I don't think there are many rich people without college degrees. It might be tough to run in those circles if I'm just this ignorant little twat. Hell, I could go to community college at first, get my grades up and then find somewhere better to go.

Jay went to college and almost graduated. Not sure why he didn't follow through on that. He was studying journalism. He occasionally writes pieces for local magazines and newspapers, but isn't terribly serious about it. Still, I think he really likes writing. He likes being a drummer more.

Nine million dollars. I wonder how much my mansion will cost. I'll have to look in the paper to see what's out there. Figure on two million and change. That leaves seven million, which is plenty to get by on. I'd buy a private jet too, but I know that is out of reach.

## January 14, 1990. West Palm Beach, FL

I'm officially worth nine point eight three two nine seven nine dollars and change. Same with Jay. Last Friday, Jay and I turned in notice at work and by Tuesday they had replacements. There must be some runner factory somewhere that cranks out guys like Jay and me and delivers them to law firms. The replacements are Kate something-or-other, and some totally shy guy name Derek. They are nice enough, but they don't have much of an edge.

When Kate saw our wall of shame I could see that she was uncomfortable. We had just posted a couple of inappropriate pictures there. I guess it was a bit much. Derek didn't seem to mind so much, but you wouldn't really know since the guy barely talks. He doesn't even have facial expressions. And, he doesn't laugh. You can barely hear him when he talks and he does this weird thing with his fingers where he taps the tips of his fingers to his thumb tip, over and over. It's so distracting. Weird kid overall, but nice. He might be an axe murderer.

So, with one week left, we are training the new recruits and are spending what's left of our time in the office planning our futures.

Jay has a plan. He is going to pay off his mother's mortgage and buy his brother a small house in Jupiter. Then he is going to buy himself a modest home in a nice community, maybe Wellington, which is out west about twenty miles. His one criteria for the house is that it have a room big enough to put a studio in. Then, he is going to get a nice car, but not too nice, and yes, he warned me about buying an overly expensive car. After all that it's the little stuff for Jay. New drums, new clothes, some nice things for Maggie, although I think he should hold off on that. He's only known her a short time. She could turn out to be a horrible hag. I don't know, though.

I think Jay is not taking advantage of this huge windfall. I figure after he buys everything he wants he will have an enormous amount of cash. Is he just going to sit on that money? He says he is going to invest it and that I need to as well, but it seems like too much to leave in the hands of some financial planner that he doesn't even know. I would use my father as a financial planner, but I'm not sure I want to tell him about the money. I know he wouldn't tell anybody. Not even my mom if I asked him not to, because she would blab it to everyone.

So, Jay wants me to come with him at lunch today to talk to some financial planner named Katherine Pierce. Says a friend of a friend uses her and that she is really good at what she does. I'm going to go, but I'm somewhat suspicious of anyone who has access to the amount of money this Katherine Pierce has access to. What if she skims money off of Jay and me? I've noticed that I am becoming a little less trusting.

We'll go and she will tell us we are insane for having so much money in our bank accounts and that we will need to diversify or something like that and grow our assets. Financial planner speak, really. At the end of the day, I am going to go with her if Jay does. I trust him at least.

On another note, I have had a pleasant realization. I am going to have one hell of a hot girlfriend. No marriage for me, because I don't want some faker to divorce me and take half of my money. I bet Jay will get married to Maggie. Good for him, I guess. I just hope she doesn't screw him over like his last girlfriend did.

## January 31, 1990. West Palm Beach, FL

So, I bought a new home. It isn't a mansion. Still, it is big, over three thousand square feet. The mansions were far too expensive for me and I realized when I looked at them that I didn't need one. Anyway, I spent a sizable chunk of change on a one story, sprawling home in Palm Beach. I wouldn't budge on that. It had to be Palm Beach.

The house has four bedrooms, an office, a family room, formal dining room, a huge kitchen, four and a half baths, and a pool with a jacuzzi. It sits on three quarters of an acre of land and is near the beach. I can't complain. I get to move in in two weeks. Going to have to buy furniture. I wonder what the neighbors are like. Will they be interested in meeting me? My guess is they will take one look at me and think new money, or they will figure I won the lottery.

On that note, we had one hiccup. Jay and I were in the newspapers for winning all that cash. I don't think my parents know. At least, I don't think my mom knows. She would have said something. I guess I'm lucky that I don't have that many friends. Nobody will come knocking on my door.

I did buy a car. I took Jay's advice to heart and I bought a Mercedes. He said that was still a bit much, but better than a Lamborghini or something like that. The car is black, my favorite non-color. Because I don't want to draw too much attention with it in my crappy old neighborhood, I've moved into the Breakers in Palm Beach until I can move into my house. Nobody will blink there if they see me drive up in a Mercedes. I also terminated my lease on my apartment and paid the early termination fee, which was two month's rent, a whole six hundred dollars.

Bought new clothes, the kind of clothes my parents would buy for me. Contemporary, conservative--polo's and nice pants. Nice boat shoes and loafers. An understated pair of sneakers. Nice belts, the works. Now I look respectable. No more white dress shirts with pit stains and tears.

Jay and I are going to get together tonight. He got four tickets to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He is going to bring Maggie, of course, and I invited Nara. This will be the first time I've seen Nara since that ever so special night.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers are one of my favorite bands. Jay's too. Of course, I like Flea, but this new guitar player, John Frusciante really does it for me. He is amazing. Great vocals from Anthony Kiedis, great drumming...great everything. This will be my first time seeing them. Of course, I will have to dress appropriately down for the occasion. No khakis and loafers there. I have a Black Flag t-shirt I'll wear and my ratty old jeans.

After the concert we are going to hang out on Clematis Street, although I prefer to call it Clitoris Street. Hit a couple of bars and soak it all in. It's amazing to me how much better life has become. I don't think I'll ever be depressed again. I don't even hate Tony Pina as much anymore. Kidding. I hate his guts.

## February 14, 1990. Palm Beach, FL

Moved into the new house. Furniture still trickling in. The place looks nice. Sad that the only person I can share it with is Jay. Jay thinks I overbought. What did I need all that space for? It isn't like I have a wife and kids. I told him I would never have a wife and kids. I don't want to bring kids into this shitty world. Have felt that way as long as I can remember.

Bowing to Jay's sage advice, I committed to using Katherine as my financial planner. She is pretty cool. Younger than I thought she would be and kind of attractive. I wonder how old she is. Anyway, she has a large chunk of my money tied up in stocks and bonds and other things I know nothing about. She says if the markets are good, I could make a few percent per year. It doesn't sound like much, but she says that given the amount I am investing, it is significant. Anyway, the goal is to make more than you spend. That's my dad's philosophy anyway.

Speaking of my dad. He knows I won the lottery. He promised not to tell anyone and I know he will keep his word. He had a long conversation with me on the phone about how to conduct myself now that I have what I have. No more drugs and drinking, be careful with women, invest wisely, and don't spend conspicuously. That is low class, he said. I told him about Katherine and he seemed impressed.

My dad didn't offer to manage my money for me. I think he figured it wasn't good to mix family with business. That's how he is. Everything is compartmentalized. Despite my newfound wealth, he asked me if I intended to go back to college. I laid out my plan. He said going to the junior college to get back into the swing of things was a good idea. Now I just have to follow through on that.

I'm forgetting the concert. The Red Hot Chili Peppers rocked. They sounded as good as they sound on their albums. The funny thing is, they came out on stage wearing nothing but socks on their dicks. They played the whole concert that way. Hilarious. All of us had a blast, and at no time did I have an uncomfortable moment with Nara. Of course, there wasn't much depth to the conversation. Mostly, we talked about the Red Hot Chili Peppers, one of Nara's favorite bands too. Nara didn't mention Rick the entire night.

Before I left to pick up Nara, I almost grabbed the jewelry box with the tin foil ring. I hadn't given it to her for Christmas. In fact, I let Christmas pass without really talking to her at all. I needed time to clear my head. I didn't grab the ring, but I sure thought about it. I wanted more than anything to see what would happen if I gave it to her.

After the concert we hit the bars. I didn't drink too much and I didn't take any drugs. My speed supply had been cut off after I left the offices of Baker, Hensley, and Wight. I could have called Teresa to hook up with some, but thought it would be too awkward. That life is over and I need to clean up anyway, now that I am a respectable man.

I went home that night, and for the first time in years, I cried. I don't know why. Perhaps I was pining over Nara. Maybe all of the events of the last few weeks had caught up with me. Tears of joy, tears of sorrow. It's difficult to tell the difference sometimes.

Tomorrow, I am going stereo and instrument shopping with Jay. He is going to help me pick out a guitar or two and other equipment. I'm going to set everything up in one of the larger bedrooms in my house.

Jay set up his studio already. It's amazing. He has instruments, a new drum kit, speakers everywhere and some sort of mixing board and other recording equipment. He also soundproofed the room so the neighbors wouldn't complain. Ever so thoughtful that Jay. Now, he and his band rehearse at his house instead of Carl's garage.

Anyway. I'm just sitting here watching TV, writing in my journal that I stole from Baker, Hensley and Wight. Note that nowhere in that name will you find the name Pina. Yeah, I still hate him.

I've been thinking I should take some cooking lessons. I eat out all the time and to be honest, I'm kind of sick of it. There must be places where I can go for lessons. I'd ask my mom to teach me, but the experience with her would be too annoying, and I don't like her cooking all that much anyway.

## March 28, 1990. Palm Beach, FL

Jay's been gone for two weeks now. He and Maggie went down to Antigua to some resort. They invited me, but I thought I'd be a third wheel. So, I'm here, doing what I always do...watching TV. I have some videotapes that I haven't watched yet, and there are a couple of movies out that I want to see. Just gets tiring doing everything alone.

I've been out to some clubs, but it hasn't felt right. I guess I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not whining mind you. I just really don't fit in. Have always been kind of a loner. I mean, before Jay, I really didn't have any friends. Sure, there were playground buddies when I was little and the guys I would hang out with in high school, but they weren't friends. Not true friends. Anyway, I've sworn to myself that I will make some friends.

One thing I have done is sign up for some classes at Palm Beach Community College. I'm going to take a sociology course and a computer programming class. For that I bought a computer. It's really cool, but I don't have a clue how to use it. Classes start in the summer, so I have some time to kill. College will be good for me. It will keep me occupied and keep my mind sharp.

I never tried to find cooking classes. Another wasted idea. So, I am eating a lot of frozen pizzas and cereal. I don't mind so much. But it would be nice to be able to cook. I bet that would be attractive to some hot young lady. Of course, I have to go out and be social to find said hot young lady. Not sure I'm up to it.

Had another crying spell the other day, and lately I've been feeling kinda slow, like any kind of movement is a labor. Hard to wake up in the mornings and keep awake during the day. Maybe I have mono. The only problem with that theory is that I haven't been kissing any girls. I don't know why I'm so worn out or why I keep crying. What the hell is stressing me out so much?

## April 18, 1990. Palm Beach, FL

Maggie screwed Carl, Jay's guitar player. Jay caught them going at it at Maggie's house. So, it's over. I never really liked her anyway. She always seemed fake to me. Guess I was right, but I wouldn't ever say that to Jay. Probably wouldn't matter, though. He took it all in stride, politely broke it off with Maggie and washed his hands of the whole thing. Talk about grace under pressure. I don't think I could have handled something like that so well. I would have freaked the fuck out.

I asked Jay if he was going to break the band up and he said no. He was mad at Carl, but apparently not enough to quit the band. I swear to God I don't understand Jay. I don't know how he can be so cool headed all the time. It's a gift.

So, now that Jay is single again, we are spending more time together, which is great, because I am lonely as fuck most of the time. We're going to hit Clematis street tonight. Some band I've never heard of called Tornado Alert System is playing at one of the bars. Jay says they are amazing. I'm sure they are.

Tomorrow, I'm going to drive down to Miami to a hobby shop that sells electric trains. I'm going to pick up some more track and some new cars. Over the last month I have made some real progress on Vaccaville. That's the town I created. Really, it's just a bunch of wood and fake terrain with railroad tracks all over it. It's kind of geeky, but I've always loved it. I must have over three hundred feet of track. Takes up half of my garage.

I also have been reading lately. Mostly science fiction. Just read _Ringworld_ by Larry Niven. Amazing concept. A ribbon like ring of some super strong material circling a star at about the same distance as the Earth is from the sun and on the interior, the surface has been terraformed. Thousands if not more different types of alien creatures live there. Anyway, a really cool book. And then there was this other one called _Gateway_. That one I really love. Frederick Pohl, I think. Back in high school I used to make fun of people who read stuff like this. Boy was I a prick. Come to think of it, I was a super prick. I can't imagine what some of my old classmates think of me. Guess I won't be going to the reunion.

I think I'm going to go play with my trains.

## May 1, 1990. Palm Beach, FL

Nara called me in a panic last night. She and Rick had been doing PCP and she felt like she needed to go to the hospital. Rick, the ever loyal and faithful drug dealer, took off, not wanting to have to deal with the police, if it came to that. So, at three in the morning, I drove out to Lake Worth, to their shitty little apartment. There, I found Nara sitting in her car crying. I asked her if she still wanted to go to the hospital and she said no. She wanted to go to my place. That made me a little uncomfortable since she had never seen my house. There would be questions that I would not have good answers to. But I couldn't let that stop me. We drove to my place.

On the drive, she kept telling me she was dead, and complained about some unknown people trying to ruin her life. She was convinced that they were sending messages to her parents telling them that she was a prostitute. This went on and on and nothing I said made it any better. By the time we reached my house, she had calmed down a bit, but was still pretty agitated. I got her in the house and into the family room where I deposited her on the couch. Not knowing what to do, I got her a soda from the fridge. I noticed that she was shaking and asked her if she was cold. She wasn't. She said she just needed to make it stop.

I kept an eye on her until she finally wound down, and then put her to bed. She is sleeping right now. Me, I'm on my sixth cup of coffee. Black, no sugar. I figure she'll be out for a while. All I can think of is what a fucking prick Rick is. I sure as hell hope they aren't married yet, because I'd hate for Nara to have to go through some ugly divorce. Clearly, this will be the end for them.

While she was coming down, she said some things that confused me. She said I was the only one she could trust and that she felt so close to me that sometimes it scared her. I wasn't sure if she was indicating that maybe there was something between us or that I was just a great friend. To be honest, I don't feel like a great friend to her. I mean, honestly, the whole time this thing has been about what I wanted, with very little regard for what she might want. That isn't the hallmark of a great relationship. But, whatever. She is here now sleeping it off. I'll go in and check on her in a bit. If I could cook, I would make her breakfast.

...

9 AM. I must have passed out here on the couch for a bit. My stomach is churning. I need more sleep. I can hear her moving around.

...

3PM. I took Nara back to her apartment, against my better judgment. She was pretty rough. I asked her what she was going to do with Rick and she kinda shrugged her shoulders, as if to say Rick is Rick. So, she isn't going to break up with him. It was difficult to talk to her after that. She really didn't want to talk anyway. I guess the things she said to me were drug induced and not real. Of course, I'm disappointed, but there is nothing I can do about it. All I can really do is be there for her. It was strange that she didn't ask any questions about my house. Does she know?

What I do know now about Nara is that something is seriously wrong with her. Her fit of paranoia meant something. Sure, she was high as can be, but there was something more. I need to know more about Rick and what their relationship is like. Have a really bad feeling about that guy. All she has told me about him is that he is twenty-six and that he dropped out of Duke when she did. A little old to still be in college. Still, he must be smart if he got in to Duke. So, what's he doing selling drugs? Seems like he could have a good career. I'm guessing he is a serious addict and not terribly high functioning. I wonder if he abuses Nara. I didn't see any signs of that, but you never know. Or maybe he keeps her high all the time to have some sort of control over her. That wouldn't surprise me.

I have to stop thinking about it. It is driving me down into the pit I just crawled out of. Don't want to be back there.

Unrelated topic. I've been thinking about God lately. I was raised a Catholic. Went to church every Sunday, on first Fridays, had my first communion, confirmation, and took religion classes. But, I stopped going to church when I was sixteen. It wasn't that I didn't believe in God, so much as I stopped believing in the church. It just seemed so contrived to me. But, I have to say, when I was going to church, life was a lot better. Could be coincidence. I might go to church with my parents one of these Sundays and see how it feels. It wouldn't hurt to try.

Jay is an atheist, a very nice atheist. Actually, he once said that he was a secular humanist. I don't know exactly what that is, but I know that they have some sort of moral code. Which reminds me. Jay just donated a hundred thousand dollars to some cancer fund. His mother had cancer. It killed her last month. He suggested that I use some of my money to help some cause. I guess it wouldn't hurt. Maybe I would feel a little better if I did that.

I was supposed to hang out with Jay tonight, but I'm too beat. Going to try to get some rest and get rid of this sleep deprivation hangover.

## June 6, 1990. Palm Beach, FL

The Zodiac killer struck again several days ago in New York City. I wonder if I could ever be driven to kill somebody. It seems unlikely. I've never even been in a fight.

Nara's birthday was yesterday. I was going to take her out to lunch, but she bailed on me. Said she and Rick were going to do something. Probably take drugs and do God only knows what. I haven't seen her since the PCP incident. I'm not sure I want to see her again.

Jay met a new girl last week. Her name is Tamara. I hate that name. Not sure why, but I do. Despite that, I think she is pretty nice. Jay is extremely happy about it. He has been telling me about some big surprise he has for her. Not sure what it is, but I think it is a big mistake to do it this early in the relationship. It's going to set expectations too high. But, I won't tell Jay that. Hopefully, this relationship won't flame out like his previous one. That reminds me. Maggie married Carl. That has to be awkward at band practice. Still, Jay doesn't seem phased by it. Nothing seems to bother him. I wish I could be like that.

I finally took a cooking class, and it was pretty cool. Now I can make lasagna. Of course, mine isn't very good, but it's a start. Next week we are going to make chili. I love chili, but not the chili my mom makes. Hers is awful.

And, the biggest thing is I start classes at Palm Beach Community college next week. Sociology and computer programming. Should be awesome. I've really missed school. I'm sure this will help get me out of the slump I'm in. Jay says it will be good for me. Maybe I'll make some friends.

Had another crying fit the other night. Something is eating away at me, but I don't really know what. For the life of me, I can't remember what I was thinking when it started. It lasted for a good hour. I guess I have too much free time.

Think I'll go buy something. That always seems to perk me up. The other day I went to a hobby shop and bought every Dungeons and Dragons book and module they had. I've never played, but it looks interesting. I don't quite understand how to play yet, but I haven't spent all that much time on it. I'm thinking Jay might be interested in it.

I spent a lot of time over the last few weeks learning how to shuffle cards. I'm not sure what got me into that, but I am really getting good at it. I don't even play cards, but I found this deck that had a really cool pattern on it and it just kind of went from there. Maybe I'll learn some card tricks or something. Again, too much time on my hands.

I'm going to see if Jay wants to do something. He has spent every day with Tamara and has had little time for me, although he always invites me to join them in whatever they are doing. But, that doesn't really work for me. I really have to find some friends. Not that I want to turn my back on Jay. It's just that he has a life and I can't expect him to spend all his time with me.

I'm reading _The Lord of the Rings_ trilogy right now. A little difficult for me to wade through, but it's pretty good. I never was much for reading, but I seem to be into it now.

## October 28, 1990. Antigua

It's been a while since I wrote anything. I guess it has been hard to get my thoughts together. A lot has happened, and not all of it is that good.

On September twenty-fourth, I tried to kill myself. I had been seeing this doctor because of my depression, and I thought it was helping. He gave me some anti-anxiety medicine that kind of knocked me out. So, I was taking that for about a week and then I stopped and then something changed. Instead of being depressed I was feeling really agitated. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't keep my thoughts together. I started missing appointments(I was going twice a week). I stopped going to classes. It just kept getting worse, and more and more I wanted it all to end.

I hadn't talked to anyone in over three weeks. Jay called a bunch of times, but I never called back.

I don't know. I kept having flashbacks to all the bad moments in my life. Things just seemed so bleak and I didn't feel like I was really adding anything to the world by being alive. So, I took all of my anti-anxiety pills at once, sat on the couch, and waited for the end.

Hours later, I woke up on the floor next to the couch. My vision was completely fucked up. I couldn't keep my eyes straight. So, I got back up on the couch and waited. It took forever before I could see straight.

What I did see when I finally came out of it was darkness. Everything just was masked in a thick fog. I felt useless and stupid, worse than before I tried to kill myself. So, I called my doctor. He wanted to put me in an in-patient program for a couple of weeks, and, not knowing what else I could do, I agreed.

I checked in to Palm Glade Rehabilitation Center that day.

It was a nice facility, but it still had that hospital feel to it that creeped me out. After checking in and getting settled in my room, I was taken to my first group session. It was horrible. I thought I was going to be with other people who had tried to commit suicide, but instead, it was mostly people with addiction problems. The topic for the meeting was anger management. I don't have an anger management problem. I sat there and listened to everyone bitch and moan about their problems and tried to look interested, but all I could think about was when I would get out of this place. I mean, I could have left at any time. I hadn't been forced to be there. But, I felt like I had to see things through.

After that meeting, I called Jay and told him what had happened. He told me he had known for some time that my problems were serious and he apologized for not trying to help. He hadn't known what to do about it. I didn't blame him, of course. It really was all on me. He offered to come visit, but I told him it would be best if he didn't. He then asked if I had told my parents. I had no intention of telling them. I still haven't told them. They wouldn't understand.

So, I stayed my two weeks, going to group meetings, getting individual counseling, and meeting with my doctor.

I didn't make any friends while I was there. Mostly kept to myself although some people tried to talk to me. I guess that isn't so great. They were decent people with serious problems who might have liked to have a friend. I don't know. I guess they weren't the friends I wanted. I've talked about making friends before, and I've never acted on it. Maybe I don't want friends. Well, nobody other than Jay.

I learned a few things while I was there. I think the biggest was that I am bottling everything up. That I'm not facing my problems. I'm still not facing them. I don't know where to begin, and in all the time I was there, I never learned a way to do it. I think it is just too much to deal with and that I really don't want to deal with it. Just too much.

When I went back home and checked my answering machine, I had a ton of messages from Nara. Apparently, things weren't going well. I wasn't sure I was up to dealing with her problems, but I called her anyway.

She had moved back in with her parents. The relationship with Rick was over. She was upset that I hadn't returned her calls. That kind of forced me to tell her what had happened. Her response surprised me. She had tried to kill herself around the time I had. She, however, didn't go to a rehab facility. Her mother thought it was best that she just move back home and get Rick out of her life.

Then she dropped the real bombshell. While she was with Rick, she had been having sex for money with other men. This was Rick's doing. That had been going on for some time. My only thought, which I didn't voice, was had she contracted HIV.

I took her out that night to a place I knew of out in the far corner of Wellington. It is an undeveloped area where nobody ever goes. We stayed out there for hours talking. She revealed all of the horrors she had experienced while with Rick. To say he was abusive is an understatement. He was sadistic. I can't write down all of the things he did to her. It is maddening enough just thinking about it.

After I took her home, I called Jay. He met me at a bar and we had a few drinks. I had missed him and felt bad about my disconnect with him. We didn't talk much about my suicide attempt. Really, we just talked about little things. I guess that was a relief. I don't want to talk about my suicide attempt, much less think of it.

After that I went home. For some reason, I felt it necessary to turn on all of the lights in the house. I couldn't stand darkness. I didn't sleep. Instead, I stayed up all night reading my Dungeons and Dragons books. At one point, I pulled out some graph paper and drew a map. It helped.

The next day, I visited my doctor. I could tell he wasn't thrilled with my progress. He made me agree to visit him three times a week.

After that, Jay told me I should get away, and suggested Antigua. Not knowing what else to do, I agreed to it. He offered to come with me, but I told him it was probably best that I go alone. He wasn't so sure.

I made my reservations at a resort, bought my airline tickets and was here a few days later. This is my second day here. It is a beautiful place. The resort is really quite nice. There are lots of single women, though most of them are older than me. They travel in packs here. It's kind of intimidating.

I actually met a woman today when I was sitting at the main pool bar having a beer. My doctor doesn't want me to have alcohol, but I figure if I only have two or three it shouldn't be a problem. Anyway, combined with my medication, I get a killer buzz from a couple of beers.

So, I'm sitting at the bar earlier and someone was talking to me, only I didn't realize it at first. So, she tapped me on the shoulder.

She is thirty years old, a nurse, lives in Connecticut, and apparently likes much younger guys. We talked for about an hour. When she asked me what I did for a living, I told her I was a computer programmer. I wasn't about to tell her that I won the lottery and stayed in my house all the time. She seemed impressed. She told me that she was here with her girlfriends for one of her friend's bachelorette party. I wondered what kind of crazy shit they would do, but figured in a nice resort like this it would probably not be that bad. I wondered if there were Antiguan strippers they could hire.

At the end of the conversation, I went out on a limb and asked her out to dinner. She agreed. Further, she seemed really excited about it. That was the first time I ever asked a girl out like that. I've always taken a less direct approach with women, mostly because I hate rejection.

Her name is Maria. I didn't catch her last name. We are going to meet at the Beach Club at seven. I'm not sure what will come of it, but at least it will be company. God knows I need that.

## October 29, 1990. Antigua

Well, I got laid. Actually, I feel kind of bad saying it that way. And, I won't write about the sex since I will never forget it.

I really like Maria. We had a great dinner and the conversation was really easy. I don't think I said one fucked up thing the whole time, and that's not like me.

I guess you could say this has lifted my spirits a bit. Well, more than a bit, really. She is sleeping in my bed right now. I couldn't sleep, which is odd, because after I get off I usually go into a coma.

I really should be in bed with her, so I'm going to stop this crazy writing thing. Live life, don't write about it. Maybe I'll get morning sex. Things are really looking brighter right about now.

## November 12, 1990. Palm Beach, FL

Back from Antigua. Let me say it was the best trip ever. For the first half of the trip, I spent most of my time with Maria, except when she had to be with her friends. I did meet most of them, and they seemed nice, but there were more than a few raised eyebrows when they met me. I guess that is because I'm eight years younger than Maria, a kid in their eyes. Doesn't matter. What matters is that I got to spend time with this amazing woman.

She is kind, and intelligent, funny, and strikingly beautiful. Not sure what she sees in me. Not going to worry about it though. Before she left we agreed to meet again. I think I am going to fly up to Connecticut and surprise her some time with her in the next few weeks. This could be serious.

The second half of the trip was less agreeable, but still fucking awesome. I figure I was riding on a wave of triumph and joy. A little dramatic, perhaps, but then that is what emotions will do to you. I mean, mostly, I just stretched out on the beach, soaking in the rays, drinking fruity drinks and planning a life together with Maria.

Of course, there had to be a dark side to all of it. That dark side was Nara. I couldn't get her out of my mind. I think, most of all, I was feeling bad for her. It is really a time of need for her right now, and I am her only friend, or whatever it is I am to her. So, I did feel a little bad going on vacation. Maybe I should have been there for her. Or maybe, I should have taken her with me.

Jay and I are going out tonight. I'm going to bring along Nara and I'm sure he'll bring Tamara. We're just going to hang out at a local pool hall. I'm hoping Nara will be in a better mood than the last time I saw her. She was terrible. Could barely get her to talk. I mean, I know she has been through some bad shit, but she really needs to find a way out of her funk. Not that I'm one to talk. After all, I too tried to off myself.

I realized that Nara isn't all that attractive to me anymore. I think it is more because she was a prostitute than anything. Still, Maria has to be somewhat of a factor.

I think being with Nara would be a depressing journey and that she will never really overcome her problems. I know I'm a hypocrite, but it is how I feel. I can be her friend, but nothing more. And, I do get the feeling that she is edging in for a relationship. I'll have to be strong and not let my dick do the thinking for me.

Those guitars I bought are still sitting in their boxes in one of my bedrooms. I'm not sure why I bought those. Maybe I should take one out and goof around with it for a while. Seems a shame to waste the money. They are really nice guitars. Jay said if I didn't want them, I could donate them to some youth organization he donates money and time to. I'm considering it.

The US has been sending troops over to the Persian Gulf. Fucking Iraq. Backwards little pinpoint on the map.

Gas prices are rising, not that it matters all that much to me.

I have to go visit my doctor. I think he is going to be impressed by how much better I'm doing after the trip. He didn't want me to go, of course, but it really wasn't his choice, now was it? So, I'm back, recharged, and really to get on with my life with a much brighter outlook. Maybe I can go off the meds. I don't seem to need them. Well, except to sleep. I don't seem to be sleeping that much lately. It started on the trip and has continued. But, I'm not getting the racing thoughts and crazy ideas anymore, so I figure it's not a bad thing.

I thought about Tony Pina today, and I realized that I still hate him with a passion.

## December 4, 1990. LaGuardia Airport, New York City

A few things, if I can even get them out.

I came up to surprise Maria. She was nice, but told me it would never work. I am too young for her. Further, she said I need to live my life and figure out what I really want. Further, she is convinced that I am not mature enough to be in a serious relationship...but she really likes me. Again, she was nice. Nice as can be, but she isn't going to go further with me.

So, here I am at the airport, waiting for my flight back.

Then there is Nara. She made a play for me and I refused. It wasn't that difficult for me, since I am really turned off by some of the decisions she's made. She was pretty upset, but not angry. She said she knew I loved her and that we were meant to be together. I have never thrown around the word love in my life. I have barely said it to my mother, and never to my father. So, when Nara said it, I just kinda froze. I didn't admit that I loved her, or at least used to. So, I'm not sure I will be seeing Nara again.

I'm still not sleeping, and I went off my medicine. I hate the way it makes me feel. Plus I am working on a new project that keeps me up late, and I don't want the meds to drowse me out. I have really gotten into this Dungeons and Dragons thing. If only I had someone to play with. Jay tried once, but said it was too boring. At least he tried it.

I went to the hobby shop and asked the owner if he knew of any groups that play and he directed me to leave a note on his bulletin board. So, I tacked up my name and number. Hopefully someone will call. It might be a way to make some friends.

I realize this is the one-year anniversary of this diary. I'm surprised I made it this far. I don't normally stick to things like this, and given that writing is not one of my strong suits, it is even more surprising.

Last year this time, I was a lowly office runner working at a law firm, with a shitty apartment, shitty car, and shitty life(except for my friendship with Jay). Now, I am rich. Still, I can't say I'm happy or that life is necessarily all that much better. I'm lonely as hell and I have a lot of doubts about the future. I want things to be better, but I don't really know how to fix them. My doctor, a psychiatrist, says I need a therapist. He is NOT a therapist. So, I'm considering that. However, having to talk about my life and my problems is daunting. I'm not sure I want to dive in to the life of Mark Harrigan. It was bad enough the first time around.

I'm realizing now that I was a fool for thinking Maria and I could be a couple. I guess all of the signs were there. I just didn't read them. To her, I was a welcome distraction from whatever it was that she didn't want to deal with. That I'm sure of.

## January 27, 1991. Palm Beach, FL

I finally connected with a group of guys who play Dungeons and Dragons. Well, there is one girl, Jessica. They are all about my age. They are a funny bunch. All of them, including Jessica, are kinda geeky. But, I like that.

We get together on Wednesday nights to play. I've only played once with them. It was amazing. I knew the game would be great. My character is an elf wizard. They started me at level twelve since that is what all of their characters are at.

My first adventure with them was called "The Flight of the Sorcerer." In short, we had to travel through a forest infested with various monsters to a dungeon inside a volcano to kill a sorcerer who had been terrorizing the lands. I know it sounds kind of silly, but when you are playing the game you forget about that.

Jessica plays a half elf ranger. She is kind of cute. Doesn't talk much though. She has flaming red hair and freckles and whiter teeth than I have ever seen before. She lives in Boca, which isn't that far away. I think she goes to college down there. The others all go to Palm Beach Community college. I actually had Fred in my sociology class before I dropped out. He remembered me. Paul, David and Reid, I have never seen before.

I think this is really the start of something good for me. I can't wait until the next session. And, eventually, I hope that they will let me be the dungeon master. Basically, the dungeon master guides the players through the adventure, managing all of the happenings, including combat. Players basically tell the dungeon master what their characters are doing and the dungeon master rolls dice to see what the outcome of those actions will be. That is a big oversimplification, but does sum it up.

I'm still not really sleeping and it is wearing on me. Sometimes I think I'm having hallucinations. Not sure though. But, I think I'm slowing down a bit. I don't know what it is about me. My thoughts are all over the place and I am constantly having ideas about inventions or love affairs or anything else you can imagine. It's been this way for years, but doesn't happen that often. Already, I am thinking about what it would be like to be in a relationship with Jessica. I don't even know her. She could be a lunatic...in the sack. Heh. Again, the thoughts are many and many are distracting.

It's eight o'clock. I am sitting around in my underwear. Nara called, but I haven't called her back. I guess I have to. She is a friend after all. I don't know though. Maybe this really is just a relationship of convenience for her.

I'll call her tomorrow. Maybe we'll go out. The other day she told me she had talked to Rick the fucking dick. I have no idea why. She knows what he is. I think this is all because she hasn't been seeing someone to treat her condition, whatever it is. I hope she doesn't go back to him. She claims she won't, but the fact that she will talk to him makes me worry. I would almost consider dating her if I thought it would keep her away from that asshole.

Jay thinks I should steer clear of Nara. He believes she is too damaged to be salvaged. It is an unusual stance for Jay to take. Normally, he is all forgiving and understanding. I guess he sees something in Nara that is bad or irreparable. Still, doesn't everyone deserve to be given a chance? Not Rick or Tony Pina, of course, but everyone else.

I'm thinking I need another trip. I've been to many places already. At least, I went to many places when I was living with my parents. Bali, China, many of the fifty states, Toronto, Budapest, and so on. My father liked to travel.

I need to go somewhere really unique. Maybe Africa, but I don't know where. Morocco? Kenya? Cape Town? What about Madagascar? But then, I could do what a lot of people my age do and go to Europe and basically backpack around. It has a ring to it.

Not much else going on. I've gotten to know Tamara better and I have to say, I really like her. She is good for Jay and appears to be a good person. Jay is a really good person. He is humble, kind, giving...all good things wrapped up into one person. I'm lucky he is my friend. I just wish I was a better friend to him.

But, enough of that. I have a trip to plan.

## Feb 27, 1991. Berlin, Germany

Well, I did it. And Jay decided to come with me. Just the two of us.

We flew into Frankfurt the other day and hung out there for a while, going to bars and sightseeing, but it wasn't so much of a sightseeing city, so we took a train to a newly reunified Berlin. It is an amazing city, and both Jay and I agree it is well worth the trip.

We have travelled mostly on foot to all of the different sights in the last two days. It's cold, of course, but not as cold as you might expect. The people are nice, and many of them know English. At least on the west side they do. Not so much on the east side, but you can still get by. Jay actually knows some German, so that has made things easier. I guess he studied it in college.

Yesterday, we were traveling toward the Brandenburg Gate through a large park in the central part of the city. There was a monument in the center of a rotary. You could walk through a tunnel to get to it, so we did. As we were making our way to the monument underground, there was this guy playing a clarinet. He was playing a strange tune that echoed in the tunnel. I will never forget that sound and how it echoed. Jay agreed that there was something to it.

We are going to go to Amsterdam tomorrow. I think it is safe to say that there will be some pot smoking going on. Jay normally doesn't do that, but I think under the circumstances he will join in. We might even go to the red light district, although I don't plan on having any hooker time.

I've never been with a prostitute. Well, I guess maybe that stripper way back when might count as a prostitute. But, not really. I mean, I paid her to give me a lap dance, but that is hardly paying for sex. I think.

So, no hookers in Amsterdam. But we are going to have a shitload of fun.

Before we left, I took Jessica out on a date. It was nice, but she is so quiet, it was hard to really get to know her. The only time she perks up is when she is killing Orcs or finding treasure. I suppose it could take some time to loosen her up.

What little we did talk about centered around Dungeons and Dragons. This is Jessica's one obsession, her escape, although from what I do not know. I like the game a lot, but nowhere near as much as she does.

Despite the lack of a connection, I did ask her out on another date. There is something about her I can't put a finger on. Plus, she is pretty cute, which is a bonus.

The one thing I got out of her, at least the one thing I remember, is that she is studying philosophy. She says she is thinking about law school after that. I almost told her how much I hate lawyers, and Tony Pina in particular, but was able to bite my tongue hard enough to prevent a diatribe.

I also took Nara out before I left. It was a miserable night. She was in a funk and could barely say a positive word. She isn't doing well, and I don't know what will help. I'm not even sure there is anything I can do to help. At the end of the night, on her front doorstep, she asked me how I felt about her. I answered as truthfully as I could without coming off as a total asshole. In a nutshell, I said I cared for her very much. No I love you... She hugged me and was gone.

It is hard to do something like that to someone you used to love, but it is necessary. Further, it is fair. Just as fair as when she told me that our personalities weren't a good match. And, she was right. Well, at least now they aren't a good match.

I'm off again, out into the city. We are going to take another look at this bombed out cathedral in the neighborhood. Never thought I would care about such things. But then, I never thought I would care about a lot of things I care about now.

## March 1, 1991. Amsterdam, Netherlands

I don't know how much more of this place I can take. I feel like I've been high for the last twenty-four hours. I think it is wearing on Jay too. What was meant to be a sightseeing trip has degenerated into an all out smokathon. It's fun. Don't get me wrong, but it really wears you out. I'm thinking we'll stay the night here and move on to Paris. I want to see the Louvre and the Eiffel Tower...and the Arc d'somethingorother. I'm sure there is more, but I am too high to remember. I've been there before, but only when I was much younger. My family also went to Cannes and Nice. I'm trying to convince Jay to go to those places to, but he has his eyes set on Florence and Venice.

In my room last night, I had another crying fit. That hasn't happened since before my suicide attempt. Doesn't make sense. I'm having a good time here. The only thing weighing down on me is Nara. I wish she could snap out of it and move on with her life. I wish she felt better about herself. Maybe going back to college is what she needs. Without that, she is going to have a pretty mediocre life. Not that I'm one to talk. I've dropped out of college twice now. My dad is pissed about that. Mom is oblivious.

Jay and I had a "serious" conversation last night about Tamara. He told me she is the one and that he intends to marry her. I guess it's okay if it makes him happy, but I think he is a bit young to be getting married. What is he? Twenty-six? My parents didn't get married until they were in their thirties. I didn't voice my concerns, of course. I just told him I was happy for him.

I know that when Jay gets married I will see him less. Makes sense. I figure at least I have started making other friends. Well, my Dungeons and Dragons group. That is a good start. I'm going to have to get out more, meet more people.

What time is it? There is no clock in this hotel room and I don't wear a watch. Jay has some fancy watch, the only real luxury item I have seen him buy.

Think I'm going to walk over to the Red Light District. Jay isn't interested in going. I just want to see what it's all about.

## March 8, 1991. Florence, Italy

For the record, I only did it because I was high.

I had set out to see the red light district, and on the way, I stopped at a cafe and smoked a joint of some African ganja that sent me over the edge. By the time I made it to the Red Light District, my brain was so impaired that I made what my dad would call imprudent decisions.

The first mistake was going to a live sex show. I only stayed long enough to watch a woman get reamed by a giant banana. I have to say that really turned me on, and that it was probably the key factor in my decision to partake in a little horizontal activity with one of the many prostitutes in the area.

Her name was Krisztina... She was from Hungary. She had bleached blonde hair with dark roots. Her body was flawless.

It was awkward. First, I had to wear a condom. Second, we did it on a bed that was more like a thin cushion on a slab of granite. Third, I was so put off by the whole thing that I didn't even get off. So, it was a humiliating waste of money.

Now I have really been with a prostitute. I didn't tell Jay, worrying that he would think less of me. I don't intend to ever tell anyone. Bad judgment. Low class as my father would say.

So, we've come to Florence. What can I say? It's beautiful, but I think it is a bit boring. I'm pretty sick of sightseeing, and we have another week of this. What I need right now is a good bar and a cheap American beer.

## June 23, 1991. Palm Beach, FL

There was a crack on the bottom of my pool, so I had to get someone to come fix it. That meant draining the pool. Wasn't expensive, just annoying. A lot of things have been annoying lately. Not sure why. Jay and I were out for lunch and the way he was holding his fork was annoying me. Then the waiter's lisp annoyed me, and the fact that they put cheese on my burger annoyed me. Every goddamned thing annoyed me and all of it is still annoying me and it annoys me that I don't know why. I should go back to my doctor, but Its been over two months since I've seen him. I had pretty much written him off since I didn't feel like I was making progress and because all of his questions annoyed me. It never ends.

I can't sleep. I have no clue what I want to do. I always feel like I'm forgetting something even when I know I'm not. I can't think straight unless I am focusing on things that... yes, I'm going to say it... annoy me.

The only thing I can do without getting a fidgety is play Dungeons and Dragons. That's it. For some reason I can focus on that and actually have a good time.

What else? Well, I've seen Jessica a few times. She has opened up more, but she is still really quiet. I have no clue whether she likes me or not. I haven't tried to kiss her or anything. Just dinner dates really. I'd take her to a movie, but something about that doesn't feel right. Plus, I don't like going to theaters because I hate the sound of people chomping on popcorn and slurping their drinks. There is no relief from this.

So, it's been dinners. Honestly, I don't know why I'm bothering with her. She probably isn't interested and is just being polite. Maybe I should back off.

I bought this watch that tells the hour, minute, second, day of week, and date including year. It set me back over fifteen thousand dollars. I don't know why I bought it. I was sitting in my house and didn't know what to do with myself, so I headed over to Worth Avenue and noodled around until I found this jewelry store. When I saw the watch, I bought it on the spot without thinking about it. I do that sometimes. That's why I have a crossbow, a coin collection, a stamp collection, three shotguns, a grandfather clock, and so on.

What else is going on in my fabulous life? My financial planner, Katherine, informed me that I've made over four hundred thousand dollars on my investments. Doesn't sound like much to me, but she claims that's good. So, hooray for me. I couldn't be more thrilled.

Fuck a duck. Maybe I should go back on my medicine. Or, maybe I should find a new doctor. Something's got to change and change quickly, because I am getting worse.

## September 24, 1991. Palm Beach, FL

A special day. Memories that never rest. An anniversary of sorts. Wondering if it shouldn't be celebrated. Life taunts and Death coaxes. Cannot rest. Cannot eat. Haven't heard a voice in weeks. The phone has stopped ringing.

Doorbell ringing. Go away.

# Falling and Rising

## October 4, 1991, Palm Glade Rehabilitation Center

I suppose it was good that Jay showed up when he did. I'm not saying I would have done it, but I was definitely thinking about it.

It's was hard to put a finger on what was driving this. It's like being a top. You spin real fast, traveling around in circles and then you slow and fall. Then some force unknown picks you up and spins you again. Over and over.

The doctor here calls it bipolar disorder. Highs and lows and all that kind of fun, which kinda makes sense to me now. Funny that my other doctor didn't see it. Maybe I didn't tell him enough for him to know. God knows, I didn't say that much when I was with him.

Now I'm on some new drugs. There's lithium, and two other things. I don't know what each one of those does, but together they are supposed to stop the bipolar cycle, or at least tame it a bit.

Jay says I was completely out of it when he came over. I wasn't making any sense. That is why he called the paramedics. That's how I ended up here, and this time, I am not here of my own free will, and they can keep me until they think it is safe for me to go. I think that is because I said I was going to kill myself. I said it many many times according to Jay. I don't want to kill myself right now. I feel pretty normal.

So, I'm in here and I am going to sessions and trying my best not to worry about when I'll get out. Hopefully, it will be soon.

My parents have visited every day. Jay called them and told them everything, including the part about my suicide attempt last year. I'm not mad at him, but I wish he hadn't done that.

My mother told me that she and my father always wondered about my behavior, but never thought it was serious. My mother cries when she sees me. I think my father is disappointed in me. I don't know. I hope not. It's not like I did this to myself. My mother also told me that my uncle Joe also had problems like my own. Uncle Joe committed suicide ten years ago.

Jay also told Nara. She has visited me every day too. She says she wouldn't know what she would do if I was dead. Makes me think. Who would be affected by my death? Seems like it is only Jay, Nara, and my family. I don't think the Dungeons and Dragons crew would even know if I killed myself. Well, if it was in the newspaper they might. But beyond thinking it was a tragedy, I don't think there would be some great display of grief.

I don't think I did this for attention, but I might have. Sure, I have this sickness or whatever it is, and it apparently was a factor, but I don't think I was thinking about what people would think or say if I was dead.

What I know is that I don't want to die. What I want is to have a life that makes me happy and to make other people happy. I just don't know how to get that.

Time for another session. Thank God it's not anger management. I hate that one.

## October 8, 1991. Palm Glade Rehabilitation Center

Nara visited today. She cried the whole time.

Most of the time, we talked about her problems, in particular, Dwight, that abusive prick. He has made her life a nightmare.

I don't know what I can do for her. I mean, I'm a total wreck myself, so I'm not really in a position to be supportive.

The best I could do was to tell her to get a job and find a place to live, but she didn't like that option. She thinks she won't get a good enough job to support herself and will end up living in some shitty part of town. Further, she thinks living on her own won't be terribly healthy for her. I think living with Dwight is about as unhealthy as it gets. I don't think she wants to leave the comfort of a nice house.

I've thought about letting her move in with me, but don't really want her pressuring me to get into a relationship. I still feel pretty turned off when I'm around her and I think having her in close proximity would be torture.

I don't know. Perhaps I'm being selfish. I'm in a position to help her. I don't have to get into a relationship with her, and I probably can get her to stop talking about it, but that isn't the only thing that bothers me.

She is constantly down. I know, kind of hypocritical of me to say that, but it's true. She hardly has a positive thing to say about anything. I have enough trouble keeping a positive outlook. Can I really handle having her in the same house, moping around and sharing all her dark thoughts?

Again, I am being selfish. I don't really have a good argument for not taking her in, although I really don't want to.

I'm pretty sick of being here, but I don't think they are going to release me any time soon. I keep telling them I'm fine, but they keep pressing me in sessions and I get really agitated when they do and end up saying and doing things that make it less likely they will set me free.

Yesterday, in anger management, Rachael, one of the therapists, kept asking me to tell her about things that set me off, and I kept telling her that nothing really sets me off, but she just wouldn't accept that answer. It made me really angry, and I got up, kicked my chair over and stormed out of the room. She later came to my room to talk to me and said that things would be much easier for me if I would open up. She told me that the staff at the center all thought I was rejecting treatment and that they thought I wasn't making any progress. I told her I wasn't making any progress because there was no progress to make. I told her I was fine and that I had just had a bad day the day they committed me. I told her I was just fine most of the time. She told me many people like me are just fine most of the time. She told me the problem is that when we're not fine, we are a danger to ourselves.

Another thing that hasn't helped me is my resistance to taking medication. They have caught me not swallowing my pills a couple of times and now monitor me closely. I don't want to take medicine. I don't like how it makes me feel and I doubt that it is doing any good. I feel tired, worn out, run down, like a zombie. I feel worse now than before I came to this place.

My doctor, Doctor Habib, tells me I have to take medication or I risk attempting suicide again. He is a nice guy, but he annoys me. I feel like he is talking down to me, like he thinks I'm a child. Yeah, he means well, and I guess he is obligated to make sure I am okay before they release me, but I wish he would treat me like an adult. I am an adult, am I not?

Nara is going to visit tomorrow, and I'm sure my parents and Jay will be here. I'm going to ask my parents to get me out of here. I know they can do that since they are the ones who had me committed. I'm pretty pissed about that, but I guess I understand. They don't want to lose me, and I guess they will do anything to make sure they don't lose me.

I don't like talking about my life and my problems. I hate dredging up the past. I don't have good memories of the past. One memory in particular bothers me more than any others. I will never share that. I will never tell them about coach. I won't write anymore about it ever.

At least he's dead. He got what he deserved. Hopefully, he is burning in hell. I guess I wrote about it. But, that's it.

## October 11, 1991. Palm Glade Rehabilitation Center

Well, I had to go and think about coach, that fucking bastard. I had him neatly tucked away in a safe part of my brain, never to surface again, but then out he fucking came. Of course, this happened in anger management, the worst of the worst. Rachael, asked me to tell her what in my life had made me angriest, and without a thought, I blurted out, "When my coach raped me in the locker room when I was eleven." This stopped her dead in her tracks. Everyone else in the room just stared at me. After a moment of silence, Rachael said, "I know you probably don't want to talk about it, Mark, at least not in this session, but I think you should talk to someone about it."

Later that day, Doctor Habib took me aside and asked me to tell him about the incident. He wanted to know if it had happened more than once and if I had ever told anyone. I broke down.

I never told anyone about the three months of insanity I went through, although I considered it. However, I believed at the time that I had done something wrong, that I was somehow complicit. Perhaps I was in some way. I don't know.

I loved the man. I idolized him. He had been so good to me, always offering encouragement and praise. He taught me so much, but then one day he kept me after practice and he took advantage of me.

The first couple of times were pretty tame compared to what followed. He kissed me and groped me those times. Thereafter, he was far more aggressive, doing things to me and making me do things to him. It didn't stop until the season ended. A month after that he died in a car accident.

I never said a word about it. I remember the day he died. My father took me aside and told me what had happened. My only response was, "Did he suffer?" I remember the look on my father's face, the confusion, but the moment passed and we both went on with our lives. After that, I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to think about it.

I remember that night outside of the porn shop, the man offering me a blowjob. I remember thinking about coach in that moment and wanting to beat the man who had just offered me a blowjob to death.

Doctor Habib, did his best to reassure me I had done nothing wrong, as I expected he would. He told me that once I left the center I should see a therapist regularly, which I agreed to, but only because I wanted Doctor Habib to think I was making progress. I wanted him to let me go. I knew I would never talk to a therapist about this.

Doctor Habib is going to meet with me every day from now on, at least until I leave. He thinks he is the person I should talk to about coach. He told me none of the other therapists will bring it up unless I want to talk about it, which I appreciate greatly. He is a good guy, just annoying as hell sometimes.

## October 18, 1991. Palm Beach, FL

I'm back home and fucking thrilled. I do feel somewhat better, although I am pretty bitter about being locked up so long. I guess it could have been worse. At least, if I had not started cooperating it would have been worse.

I agreed to see a therapist going forward, and I guess I will give it a go, but I just don't see how I am going to be able to do it long term. I hate therapy.

I'm going to go out and buy something expensive today. Maybe I'll buy a boat, or maybe another car. I don't know. Maybe I won't buy anything at all.

I'm going out with Jay tonight to celebrate my release from my miserable incarceration. I'm sure he'll tell me not to drink too much, the bastard. Whatever, I probably shouldn't drink at all or do drugs. I probably should just take the crappy medicine I've been prescribed and try to live a normal life.

Normal. I am anything but. I wonder if I will ever get any better. Will I always be this way? Who am I, exactly? I don't know.

I have to find something to do with my life.

Going to see Nara tomorrow. I don't know what will come of it. Still considering letting her move in with me. It is the right thing to do, although I dread living with her. I guess I am a real selfish prick sometimes.

## October 22, 1991. Palm Beach, FL

Nara moved in with me. We aren't a couple. She just couldn't handle being around that abusive prick Dwight and had nowhere else to go. She doesn't have a job and to be honest, she is in no condition to work. So, here she is. It is a tad uncomfortable, but it is what it is.

This is the first time she has been to my house since she was on PCP that one night. Apparently she didn't remember it. There were a lot of questions. I still haven't told her about the lottery, and I don't intend to. I just told her it's my father's house that he used to rent out and let me live in. I think she bought it.

I don't know what I'm going to do with Nara in the house. It seems like a recipe for disaster. I mean, what if she keeps pressuring me to be in a relationship with her? Won't that be a nightmare? On the flip side, it might help me. Being alone all the time really drags on me. So, maybe she will help stabilize things for me. I don't know.

I'm going to have to stay strong and not do anything stupid.

In other news, Jay won something like a hundred grand in the lottery. I don't know what he was doing buying lottery tickets. He never has in the past. But, I guess he felt lucky. Anyway, he donated the money to a youth organization. I have never donated anything to anyone. I don't think that makes me a very good person.

I'm going to go shopping today. I need to buy something. Maybe another watch or maybe I'll go crazy and buy some ridiculous car. That would really tip off Nara. But, who knows? She might know about the lottery already. Maybe that is why she has told me she loves me. A bit cynical perhaps, but not improbable.

I don't feel that great. I don't know what the word is. Maybe defeated. Not feeling good about myself and I am lonely. I don't get out enough and I haven't been taking care of myself. It's been days since I last showered and I don't know how long it's been since I brushed my teeth. My breath must be horrible.

I say it all the time. I need more friends. I don't feel like I have people I can really talk to. I don't know anyone other than Nara that might be able to relate to me, and I really don't want to open up to Nara.

## November 30, 1991. Palm Beach, FL

Been a while since I wrote, but I think that might be a good sign. Things have been pretty stable, although living with Nara is a real drag sometimes.

I haven't had any dark thoughts and have been pretty active, although all I really do is drive around aimlessly, shop, hang out with Jay and watch TV.

I started going to my doctor again and I'm taking my medicine. Not going to go to a therapist. Waste of time. Enough said.

I saw this girl today, attractive as all hell from the waist up. But she had this enormous, low-hanging ass. I couldn't stop looking at it, thinking about what it would be like to pound her ass. So, I followed her through the mall, from store to store, looking for an opening. I thought if I made the connection I thought maybe I'd find her opening.

Finally, in a shoe store, she dropped her keys. Of course, I was right there to pick them up for her. She thanked me and I went for it.

I introduced myself, gave her a not so over-the-top compliment, and asked her if she lived in the area. That is not normal for me, but I was feeling invincible and brash. In the end, I got her number. Her name is Brenda. I hate that name, but whatever. Ass is ass no matter what the name. I wonder what Nara would do if I brought Brenda home for a little action.

Anyway, I figure I will give her a call tonight and take her out to a nice restaurant. Picking her up in my Mercedes should have an impact. Not that I think about things that way. At least, not normally, but now I am in full boogie get laid mode and anything that can help is going to be exploited.

(I have to keep reminding myself that Brenda is a person with feelings and that I shouldn't just use her. So, I'm reminding myself, but I don't think it will change the inevitable.)

It's noon, I'm too lazy to fix something to eat, so, I'm going to go out and grab something. I guess I'll invite Nara, but I don't want to.

Nara has only been living here a couple of weeks, and I have to say, she has been a good roommate. She is very clean, which I appreciate. She also offers to cook, which I equally appreciate. But, she mopes around the house and it really drags me down. I know she has been through hell, but she really needs to try to snap out of it or get some help. I offered to pay for a doctor, but she says that will just dredge up memories she doesn't want to relive. I know the feeling. She will snap out of it eventually, but until then I will have to suffer through her sighs and frowns.

At the very least, she needs to get out of the house. She hasn't left in days. I mean, you have a car. Use it. Go to a park or go shopping. Do something for God's sake.

Yesterday, she made lasagna. I had bought all of the ingredients for her because she didn't feel like going to the store. The lasagna was great, but the whole experience sucked because she refused to eat any. We sat at the table while I ate and she stared off into space. I tried to get her to talk, but all I could get were one-word answers. Finally, I gave up and just ate in silence. I thanked her when I was done, and did the dishes. I wonder if she still wants to be my girlfriend. Who knows?

I feel like I have to escape, and I have been spending more and more time out of the house. I've spent a good amount of time with Jay. On Thanksgiving, I went to see his band play. Good show. I didn't really talk to anyone other than Jay, though. Of course, I had invited Nara, but she wasn't feeling up to it.

I think she should get a job. I'm willing to help her find one. Not that I'm well connected, but I could check the papers and maybe even call around to different places. What is she qualified for? Not much. Maybe she could get a job as a runner at a law firm. I think my old place is hiring. Heh.

I'm obsessing over Nara. I'm always thinking about her. Thank God Brenda appeared. That will be a welcome distraction. That ass. I don't know if I like it or if I find it repulsive. It is definitely vulgar, but maybe in a good way.

## December 8, 1991. Miami, FL

Talk about moving fast, I went from zero to sixty with Brenda in eight days.

I started the day I met her. I took her out that night to a nice restaurant. Not one in Palm Beach, of course. That would have been overkill. So, we had a great dinner, and I realized I really like her, which is good, because if I used her I wouldn't have forgiven myself.

We finished dinner and she invited me back to her place. There, we talked for a couple of hours.

Brenda is a special ed teacher at a middle school. She is four years older than me. She graduated from Florida State University, was in a sorority and has never been married. She likes Duran Duran in an obsessive, girlish way, but I can forgive her for that. She showed me one of her sketchbooks. Very talented. She even drew a picture of me, which she gave me. What else? She is modest, unassuming, intelligent, undamaged, and, oh yeah, a virgin. She told me that so I would know she wasn't going to give it up unless it felt really right. That didn't phase me.

The next night, we caught a movie and then had ice cream. Again, we spent time at her place. This time we played Monopoly. I lost. I think she cheated. We both agreed at the end of the night that there was definitely something between us. So, I invited her to come to Miami over the weekend.

In the days leading up to our departure we went out every night. Then on Friday, after she got out of work, we drove down to Miami. I booked at room at a nice hotel on Miami Beach. It wasn't exactly beach weather, but there were plenty of other things to do.

So, Friday night we went to a Cuban restaurant. Conversation was good and was growing even more serious. I wondered what I was getting myself into. Clearly she was a good person, someone I could trust, but was she someone I wanted to really be with? I felt like I did, so I tried to nudge things along. Did she have any doubts? I realized I hadn't told her about any of the really fucked up things I had done in life. I haven't told her I am bi-polar. Not sure how to insert that into the conversation. Not sure I want to.

After dinner we hit a dance club. I did my best to not look like a dying giraffe when I danced. Yeah, I'm tall. Over six four. And when I dance, I look like a dying giraffe. No joke. Anyway, she didn't make fun of me, so I mustn't have been that bad. At least I tried. I wouldn't have danced for any other girl I'd been with.

Saturday, we went shopping. I bought her this ring she really liked. Not an engagement ring or anything like that. It was a gold band with different colored stones. I don't know. Maybe it was three hundred dollars. She almost refused it, but I insisted. I didn't tell her money was no object. Yeah, that's another thing I haven't told her. The lottery. I don't think it's the right time.

Saturday night I told her that I was falling in love with her. It's the truth. I've only felt this way about one other person, Nara, but that was just foolish. This is real.

Brenda's reaction wasn't what I had hoped for. She really liked me, she said, but wasn't far enough along with me to say she loved me. She was flattered that I loved her and said it was a good thing, but she couldn't lie to me. At least she didn't dump me on the spot, right?

Oddly, it didn't make things uncomfortable between us. I think she said it with so much tact that it didn't hurt. In fact, I accepted it as totally reasonable. So, now I am determined to make her love me, come hell or high water. At least, that's the plan.

So, the rest is the rest. On a mission. She is the one. It's amazing how good I've been feeling lately. I could take on the world, go to the moon, and discover the cure for AIDS. Anything is possible right now. Just need to focus.

## December 26, 1991. Palm Beach, FL

I introduced Brenda to my family. It went well, although my dad did take me aside to ask me if she knew about the money. I told him she didn't. In fact, all I really told Brenda was that my father was loaded and that he supported me. That is a thing with Brenda. She feels like I should support myself, which I do, but can't tell her. She thinks I should either go back to college or get a job. She said as much to my father, who agreed with her, that bastard. I don't hold it against Brenda. She means well. She just doesn't have all the facts yet. Yet. Eventually, I am going to have to tell her. Not yet. But, maybe soon. I definitely have to come clean before I ask her to marry me, whenever that will be.

My mother really liked Brenda. She offered to take Brenda shopping, to the nail salon, and so on. Very nice of my mom, but maybe a bit uncomfortable for Brenda, although Brenda didn't say anything about it. I realize now this is the first girls I have ever brought to meet my parents. I'm not sure what that says about me, really, but I guess it's a step in the right direction. Makes me feel good, even better than I already feel, which is pretty damned good. I hope this lasts, although it never really does. I always come crashing down. My doctor says that is normal for me. That's why he loads me up with medicine, to soften the ups and downs, even me out. It seems to be working for the most part. Which reminds me...I'm eventually going to have to tell Brenda about the bi-polar thing. Not sure how that will play out yet.

For Christmas, I bought a number of presents for Brenda. First, there was a new stereo for her car. Hers was a broken piece of crap that should never have been made. She loved that. Then there was the massage, which she loved. We are going to do it as a couples massage. I don't like it so much...don't like people touching me, but whatever. It made Brenda happy. I bought her a giant teddy bear. I mean giant. I could barely fit it in the back seat of my car. I think she liked it but maybe thought it a bit weird. I guess it is weird for an adult to have a giant teddy bear, but whatever. And then there was the necklace. A white gold chain with a diamond teardrop. I know she liked that, although she almost refused to accept it. I told her it wasn't that expensive, but it was. And then there were the knick-knacks. To be honest, I have never been this thoughtful about something as I have been for Brenda's presents. That is a very good sign for me. I think maybe I might be becoming a better person. Jay says I seem to have changed. He didn't exactly say it was for the best, but I bet that is what he meant.

Speaking of Jay. He joined a new band, a much better band that plays all over South Florida. He is so psyched. His first gig is next week in Fort Lauderdale. Brenda and I are going to go. This band plays mostly original music. Rock mainly, a bit on the harder side. They all have long, permed hair and wear black leather. Ha. Not really, but not so far from the truth. Their guitar player had seen Jay play a couple of gigs and when his drummer left to pursue other interests, he thought of Jay. The band's name is Attak. No C. Attak. Cool name, I guess.

Jay thinks this band has a chance of making it. I don't know. I haven't heard them yet. But, if Jay thinks it's possible, and Jay can be a pretty harsh music critic, then I'd have to say they are pretty good. I just hope they aren't an annoying hair band like so many of the others that are around. There is so much garbage out there. Jay always says the best music was made in the seventies. Personally, I'm not such a fan of the seventies, but I do think there was some good rock back then. Certainly, bands like Led Zeppelin rocked the shit out of things. And others too. It just isn't my thing. I'm not very musical, even after buying a couple of guitars that I hardly ever play. When I play guitar, the sounds I create are much like that of broken glass scraping across a blackboard. Not nice stuff.

I like music, but I don't have any particular fondness for any one genre. I just like individual songs. They can be pop, rock, jazz, alternative, or god knows what. It could be anything, as long as it gets me in the boo boo, which few songs do. But when they do, then it is earth shaking. Overall, I think my favorite song is _Ramble On_ , Led Zeppelin. There is something about the bass line in that song that really gets me. And that is seventies. I think that is Jay's favorite song too. He introduced me to it.

I would write Brenda a song if I had any clue how to do it, but I don't, so I can't, and I won't. That is that.

Too many ideas. They just keep coming and I can't stop them and they are driving me nuts. I don't want to think this much about anything, not even Brenda. I just want it to stop. My doctor says it happens and I say that's just great, but I don't want it to happen anymore.

## February 26, 1992. Palm Beach, FL

It has been a while. I've been too down to really write about anything and even considered stopping this whole diary thing altogether. It's just bad memories on paper. Seems that way anyway.

Brenda broke up with me. She did that January second. She said she just wasn't feeling it. Her words, not mine. I thought things were great. I was feeling like a bazillion dollars and thought she felt the same way even though she didn't love me yet. But, I guess she wasn't ever going to love me, no matter what I did.

She tried to return the gifts I gave her, but I refused.

I didn't beg or even put up a fight. What I did was listen to her and try to process things, although I did a shitty job processing things. I love Brenda. I know I do. It is terrible that she doesn't feel the same way. I wonder if Nara living with me had something to do with it. I was really clear with Brenda that Nara was just a roommate, that there was nothing there. Of course, I left out the part about me once being in love with Nara. I think that was best.

So, Brenda is gone. I'm not going to try to get her back. It's pretty pointless. If she isn't into me, she just isn't.

That leaves me with Jay and Nara.

Jay's band is doing well. He thinks there is a chance they might get a record deal, which would be great for Jay, because I know that is his biggest dream. He is still with Tamara and I think that will keep going strong. We spend time together, although not as much lately. He is busy.

Nara is Nara. She still mopes around the house. All she does is cook. She never eats. I think she should become a chef. That might make her happy. I wish she didn't live with me. I have considered getting her a place of her own. I could tell her it is one of my dad's properties. Worth looking into.

I hate the way she looks at me. It's like she's sizing me up, but for what I don't know.

Nara asked me some questions about my love life recently. She wanted to know more about Brenda and what made that relationship work. I hadn't told her about the breakup. I guess I have to do that eventually. But, she wanted to know how I felt and all that and I really didn't know what to say, so I lied. I said it was a relationship of convenience and nothing more. Brenda and I were lonely and we liked each other's company so we got together, but there was nothing more to it than that. Nara asked if we were exclusive and I said no. It made me kinda sick to say what I said, but I put it out there anyway. I should have just told Nara that Brenda and I broke up. Maybe that would have been better. I just don't want Nara ever thinking there might be something between us. Those days are long gone.

So, I'm by myself now, and I really don't know what to do. I get so bored and I worry that I'll do stupid shit, especially when I'm moving fast. I get strange ideas. Like why not go get a hooker or why not go back to that porn shop and see if that guy is there so I can either kill him or let him blow me. Mostly sexual stuff. And I tend to spend more money, buying useless shit. The medicine is supposed to help, but I often forget to take it. I haven't told my doctor that. I don't think he would like that.

I'm going out with Jay tonight. We're going to our old favorite, Clematis Street. Some band I guess. I don't know. I'm not really up for it, but it is better than sitting here in the house watching TV, listening to Nara sigh every two minutes. God, I'm sick of the sighing. Worse than loud eaters or babies crying.

Another day. I wonder what Brenda is doing. Maybe she is with another guy. Maybe that is why she broke up with me.

## March 15, 1992. Bali

Well it all started when I came home drunk after a night out with Jay. I was feeling horny and there was Nara, and I suspected it would be easy to get in her pants, so I played it all nice and sweet, and there you have it. We fucked. I definitely wasn't making love to me, although it was to her, or so she says.

Anyway, the next morning, Nara is in bed with me all happy as can be and kissy and all that and I realize that she thinks we are a couple now. I don't know what I said to her, but I regret whatever I said.

So, we are a couple now and I am either too weak to break it off or too ashamed that I manipulated her to do anything about it. Either way, I am an asshole and I feel like I am stuck in this relationship until I can figure out a way out. This fucking blows.

So, the day after, and by that I mean the day after we did it, she starts talking about getting away from everything. Just the two of us. And, I play into it, being the nice guy I am. She says she always wanted to go to Bali. I wondered how she would think that I could afford to go to Bali. I mean, I have an amazing house in Palm Beach, but I told her it was my dad's. So, I say I don't know if I could afford a trip to Bali and she punches me in the shoulder and says, of course you can, you're rich.

I'm guessing she found my diary. Now, I take it with me wherever I go. I feel violated.

Being the ass I am, I booked a trip to Bali, where we are now, sitting on the beach, drinking cocktails, and spending the rest of our time fucking like wild dogs. I mean, I can't complain about constant sex, but if it is with someone who repulses you, then maybe it's not so good. Yes, she repulses me. The thought of her having sex with men for money is too much to handle. I have a hard time coming when we have sex and have to think of Brenda, whom I never had sex with, or women from my porn collection to get off. It's disgusting. I feel so trapped.

I'm done with my drink now and hoping the waiter will return soon. I need to get more than a little drunk to handle this inane chatter coming out of Nara's mouth. She's talking about all of the other places we will go together. Together. I'd rather focus on where we are now than plan future trips. But, whatever. I guess it's not so bad that she is excited. After all, she won the lottery, now didn't she?

I stopped taking my medicine three weeks ago. Wasn't feeling right and I thought a break from it might help me sort things out. I'm fine so far. Maybe a little racy. Not sure really. Nara says I'm being a little intense. Nothing to worry about, really, but maybe something to watch. I didn't bring my meds to Bali, so there isn't much I can do about it anyway. We're here for another two weeks.

I'm trying to think of things we can do other than eat, drink, fuck and sleep. The resort does have activities, and it looks like there are people participating, but I don't see anything particularly interesting. There is a bonfire on the beach tonight. We'll go to that, get liquored up and then go back to the room to go through the motions.

I don't know what will make me interested in Nara. This person once held the keys to salvation for me and now is an anchor dragging me under.

Stop whining, Mark. Stop being such a fucking pussy piece of shit. Find a way to enjoy yourself. Try to find the good in Nara, Nara the prostitute. Makes me wonder how much I am paying for sex with her. Stop. Jesus, you are pathetic.

I wish I loved her. I guess that's something, isn't it?

## April 8, 1992. Palm Beach, FL

Jay now likes Nara. He thinks she is good for me despite my distaste for her. He says I need to get over the whole "but she was a prostitute" thing and try to remember all of the things I once admired in her. That's easy for Jay to say. He doesn't have to fuck her. I don't have to either, but I do, and I seem to be doing it more and more. For some reason, the disconnect I feel with Nara makes me want to do weirder and weirder shit to her. So far, she hasn't balked, but I don't know how long that will last. Maybe we'll see what she does if I give her a dirty Sanchez or a rusty trombone. Yeah, something like that anyway.

But seriously, Jay likes her. Last night, we all went out together, Jay, Tamara, Nara and me. Went to a Hibachi restaurant. The whole night, Jay was talking to Nara. He wasn't hitting on her or anything. What he was doing was trying to draw her out, get her out of her funk, although, I'll say the funk hasn't been that bad since Nara and I got together.

Part of me feels like Jay was trying to show me the way, which may be the case. I certainly could use some relationship pointers. I suppose I should do better. I know I should care more. I even should look beyond the whole "Hey, look at me! I'm a dirty stinky whore" thing. But it still bothers the shit out of me. What if she did some crazy crap while we're together? Hell, what if she got back together with Rick the Dick on the sly? Maybe the pain of losing her to Rick is fresher than I believe.

After hibachi, we hit a club. Jay, Tamara and Nara all danced. I didn't because I look like a dying giraffe when I dance. I meant it the first time I said it and I mean it now. So, I sat at the bar while they danced, downing drink after drink. It all gets a little fuzzy after that. I know some things, though. For instance, I know that I puked on some girl's shoes. And, I know that I puked in my car. And then, I'm pretty sure I puked in the kitchen sink, although there are no signs of that now. So, I remember the puking.

Jay said I was rambling on about being an illegal arms dealer. I told him my life was in danger because a deal went sour. I also told him that I was going to have to be away for a while to make some important business deals. He said I looked like I was about to pop. My skin was bright red and my pupils were dilated, which is interesting because I might have dropped acid, acid I bought off of my usual source for drugs, whose name I will not pen. Acid that I have a lot more left of, here in tin foil in my pocket. Acid could explain a lot about last night, and probably explains why Nara is locked in the bedroom crying. I can only imagine what that is about.

I probably said something insensitive or cruel. Maybe I broke up with her. If that is the case, then I am a free man. I can go and deal all the illegal weapons I want without being nagged by a sulking girlfriend.

I have learned nothing from Jay, or if I have I have done nothing with the knowledge.

I'm tempted to drop acid right now. It could only help the hangover I have right now. But, to do this, I need to be somewhere else. I can't be around Nara whilst tripping. She will turn the trip sour, and there is nothing worse than a bad trip.

My favorite place to trip is way out in the undeveloped area of Wellington. It is probably five hundred acres of land that hasn't been touched yet. Well, there are roads and a lot of the land is staked off, so I assume they are going to start building houses soon. Anyway, one of the roads is a cul-de-sac. At the end of that road, there are five palm trees forming a semi-circle. They are Jonny, May, Alice, June and Bart. Yes, I named them, and when I go there a-trippin, I talk to them. I think it is time for another conversation.

My last meeting with the five of them was about a year ago. I had dropped two tabs and was feeling pretty shitty about myself. We discussed the meaning of life and what it is like to be a tree. Apparently, being a tree isn't half bad. I thought they would get bored, but really, they just listen to the wind and talk to each other and love it. They're a friendly bunch, and they like each other quite a bit. And, more importantly, they like me.

So, it is decided. I am going to get out of this place and commune with the trees. If I drop now, I will be tripping by the time I get there. Goodbye, Nara. Hopefully, you will be feeling better when I get home.

## April 9, 1992. Wellington, FL

Well, I shouldn't be surprised by the fact that I woke up here in the middle of nowhere, curled up next to a palm tree, with fire ant bites all over my ankles. No, that shouldn't come as a big surprise at all.

So, here I am, out in the boon-docks of Wellington, a little dazed, still feeling the effects of the acid. Feeling kind of out of it.

I spent an entire night talking to trees. A long conversation that went in many directions. Out of it, I got this:

The trees say I am wasting my life and that I need to change a few things.

First, I need to either accept Nara or break up with her and send her packing. If she won't leave, I should sell the house and move somewhere else. But, I think the emphasis for the trees was on accepting her.

Second, they told me I need to go back on my meds. I am messing with fire and it is already burning my toes. Their words, not mine.

Third, I need to spend more time with my family.

Fourth, they said that I don't actually do enough. I see their point. For instance, I stopped playing Dungeons and Dragons. I could always get back into it, I suppose. Anyway, I need to be more active. Maybe I'll get a bike or a motorcycle. The trees suggested getting a job might be a good thing. I don't think I want to work for anybody, though. Maybe I could start a company, doing what I don't know.

Fifth, I should consider going back to church. Living life as a sinner isn't doing much for me. Sure, I won the lottery, and that's just great, but I am living a hollow, sinful life. I think May told me that. Johnny was more on my side on that one.

Sixth thing was this. They all said I needed a good kick in the pants. I consider myself kicked.

Finally, I need to get a Jeep. Jeeps are fun. The trees didn't tell me that. I did.

I really need to get home and talk to Nara. She was really upset when I left. I shouldn't have left, but if I hadn't, I wouldn't have learned what I have learned. Maybe I should tell her what turns me off about her. Maybe I already did. I have a very vague recollection of saying something not so nice about her past. Not sure who I said it to. I guess I'm not such a good guy. I guess I never have been, except maybe when I was with Brenda. Other than that I can't think of a time when I put anybody before myself.

Maybe I really should go to church. I need to do something. And, maybe, just maybe, I should go back on my medicine. I know I've been feeling weird and jumpy. My thoughts are a mess.

It's ten AM. My ankles are throbbing. I am having an LSD hangover, and I am still hearing the voices of the trees. I know they are real. I never would have told myself any of the things they told me. I'm not wired that way.

Here is the action plan:

1. GO HOME.

2. Talk to Nara and make things right for better or for worse.

3. Call my dad and talk to him about what's going on with me.

4. Go to church and confess...God only knows how main Hail Mary's I'm going to have to say.

5. Reconnect with the Dungeons and Dragons crew.

6. Find some things to do, like get bikes for Nara and me or whatever. Anything. Yeah, I'm thinking of staying with Nara...

7. Buy a Jeep. Maybe buy one for Nara too. Her car is beat up as hell.

That's the plan, and I'm going to try to stick to it. I didn't put "take my medicine" in there because I'm not sure I want to do that. I could also add "tell your doctor you're not taking your medicine," but I know I won't do that.

Time to say goodbye to the trees.

## April 10, 1992. Palm Beach, FL

Nara and I had our little talk yesterday, and I think it went well, although there were a lot of tears. She was upset that I told Jay that she had been a prostitute. She overheard me talking about it with him while we were out the other night. I told her that it is the biggest problem I have with her and that it is a major turn-off. To that she said that Rick made her do it. He was keeping her so drugged up that she didn't feel like she had a choice. That didn't make me feel any better about it, but it helped me understand. What did make me feel better was the fact that she said she had gotten tested for everything under the sun and that all the tests had come back negative. I don't know why I never asked her about this before, especially since it really bothered me. Maybe I figured wearing a condom made me invincible. Who knows? In the end, I apologized for telling Jay, but I did tell her that Jay didn't think any less of her for it. That was the truth.

We went back and forth for a while about things we wanted from each other in the relationship. I wanted her to stop moping around. She wanted me to ease back a bit in bed. She felt like I was fucking her and not making love to her. The hard part there is that I don't know if I love her. I mean, I do love her, but I don't know in what way. She made a point to tell me that she loves me. Very much apparently. She said nice things about me, things that I would never in a million years have expected to hear. I would write it all down, but it is too embarrassing.

After that, we went out to go buy Jeeps. Yes, Nara wanted a Jeep too. At the Jeep dealership, we picked out a silver Wrangler for me and a black one for her. We drove them off the lot. I have to remember to pick up the Mercedes. I'm going to keep it. It is an amazing car, but I want to do some off roading, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to do that with a Mercedes.

From the dealership, we drove to Lake Worth Beach, where we sat on the beach, doing basically nothing. We didn't say anything. It was really nice. At one point, I reached out and took Nara's hand. She squeezed gently a couple of times. It was the closest I've felt to her in a long time.

At sundown we left the beach and headed home, tops down, and fewer worries taking us out of the moment. I realize now, that in my life I have had few real moments of peace and happiness. Mostly what I've had is frenzy, angst, hysteria, and depression. Not even in my early childhood memories can I find comfort. There was no stuffed bear named Sniggles that was my best buddy. There are no memories of my parents comforting me or doing much of anything with me, for that matter. Where are the moments? There is only one. Nara and me on the beach, holding hands.

If I had had that moment with her back when I was madly in love with her, it would not have had the impact on me then that it has had on me now. Back then my love for her was more about me than anything, about an idealized relationship that I imagined Nara and I would have. It was a farce. I didn't really give a shit about her back then. I do now, though. I'm not in this just for me anymore. I suppose that's a good thing.

It's funny how a simple thing can change a complex relationship so completely. A squeeze of the hand. A contract.

I wonder how my parents met. What brought them together? Did they have a moment where it just clicked and they knew that was it, serious shit. It is hard to imagine that with them. To me they seem rather distant from each other. My dad has his job, his golf buddies, the country club, and then he has my mom and us kids. All of these things are separate. And, I can say the same for my mom. She has her friends, bridge club, gardening, cooking, and then dad and us kids. Everything compartmentalized. I figure my parents say less than thirty words to each other a day. Is that too many? Too few? Do they think about it? Are they happy? What is happy?

## May 28, 1992. Savannah, GA

Jay, Tamara, Nara and I have all driven up to Savannah to have a little fun. Jay has been here before, so he is showing us around. Pretty cool place overall. Lots of bars at least. Other than that, I don't know. All we are doing is eating and drinking and having sex. At least Nara and I are having sex. Not sure about Jay. Actually, I don't want to think about that.

Last night, we went to Kevin Barry's Pub on River Street. River Street is the place to be, and Kevin Barry's is definitely one of the best places we've found here. We don't really have pubs like this back in good old West Palm Beach.

Anyway, Jay and I got hammered, while Tamara and Nara held back, sipping on their cocktails. While most of the night was devoted to drinking, we did spend some time mingling in the crowd.

Jay said he was going to open a record store. I know he had been thinking about it for a while, but didn't think he would ever do it. It will be an all vinyl shop. Odd considering how much better CD's are, but whatever. Jay is Jay. He is going to call his shop The Spin Zone. Ha ha.

Inspiration struck and I said I wanted to open a pub in West Palm Beach. Something like Kevin Barry's. Everyone liked Jay's idea and mine as well. I really think I'm going to do it, though I haven't a clue how to go about starting a business. I'm guessing it will be really expensive, but whatever. I have money to burn.

We met a married couple, the Westmarks. Nice people, hard drinkers. I'm guessing they were in their thirties. Paul Westmark was wearing very preppy clothes, as was Sarah, his wife. I wasn't dressed half bad, but I was by no means looking preppy.

They were from Atlanta, taking a break from their routine. Paul works for a software company. Sarah is a lawyer. I didn't mention Tony Pina even once, although I was sorely tempted. They were nice people and I figured it wouldn't do to bring any negativity to the scene. Paul was talking about New Orleans. Said we really had to go there for Jazz Fest. I don't remember when he said it was, but it sounds like a good idea. He also mentioned Tucson and some dive bar called Dirtbags. Not sure about Tucson. Just a city in the desert, but you never know. It could be cool.

I don't know much about the latter part of the night or into the morning. I know we closed the bar and that we stumbled back to the River Street Inn where we are staying.

It's eight AM and I am awake. I think I'm still drunk. Feel like hell. I wonder where I can get a beer at this time of day. Hopefully everyone will be up for an early drinking binge today. I need to get rid of this hangover.

Nara is snoring in bed. She snores all the time, although it isn't loud snoring, so it doesn't really bother me.

I'm thinking about that pub I want to open. Thinking about names for it, like The Henry James, or The Flying Pig. I'm also thinking about Harrigan's Pub, but wonder if that isn't a bit too obvious.

It should have two floors, one for the bar and one for a restaurant. It needs to have wood paneling everywhere and an authentic looking bar. Good beer, of course. Darts, foosball, weekly specials, grumpy Irish bartenders and who knows what else? We'll have to go back to Kevin Barry's tonight so I can get some ideas. This time I won't get plastered.

I guess my dad can help me get this started, although I don't know if he'll approve. I think he might think it's sort of a low rent thing to do. But, whatever. I want to do this. Wonder what it will cost. Maybe a hundred thousand? No clue. Have to find the right building, or maybe have one built somewhere. Which brings up location. Where is a good place to put a bar in West Palm? Maybe Clematis street, but you wouldn't build there. It is all built up. Maybe out west near Wellington. There is plenty of space to build there and it isn't so far out of the way.

I don't know. I guess I have to do my research.

On another note, and I guess this is bigger than anything else that is going on, although I have been pushing it to the back of my mind. Nara is pregnant. She wants to keep the baby, which I am fine with since I don't believe in abortion. Still, I don't really want to be a father. In fact, it is the last thing I want.

My father is going to insist that we get married. It wouldn't be proper not to. That means a big wedding in a church. I don't know if Nara is religious. Never asked. Imagine that. I wonder what her parents will think about this.

The strange thing is that up until a month ago, maybe more, I don't know exactly, I had been using protection. Maybe I forgot to use a condom when drunk or something. It has happened, so I guess that has to be it. Whatever the case, Nara is preggers. We're going to the doctor when we get back. It's going to be a whole big ordeal, I'm sure. I know enough about pregnancy to know that.

If it's a boy, I want to name him Jack. Not sure about girl names. No clue what Nara is thinking. We haven't talked about it that much.

What am I now? Twenty-three? Twenty-four? Christ, I can't remember. All I know is I am pretty damned young to be bringing a child into this world.

## June 18, 1992. Palm Beach, FL

So, Nara is eight weeks pregnant now, or so the doctor thinks. I'm having trouble doing the math still, but whatever. I can't keep track of things.

I broke the news to my parents, and, of course, my dad asked me when I was going to get married, which launched my mom into a wedding planning frenzy. I swear you would have thought she was on speed. At least she didn't cry. I hate it when she cries.

I had prepared for my dad. I told him that I thought it would be good to get married sooner rather than later, and that we should keep it simple. My mom refused to keep it simple and insisted she needed at least two months to plan. Even that was not enough, according to her. At one point she started writing out a guest list, but my dad shut her down.

Then my dad asked if Nara's parents knew about the baby.

Nara had told her mom and the reaction was less than stellar. In fact, she basically disowned Nara. Her mother tried to get her to have an abortion. I guess they aren't a Christian family. She said this was going to ruin Nara's life. I don't know if it will ruin Nara's life, but I know it is definitely going to change the shit out of it. Hopefully, she will be a good mom.

So, Nara's parents...well, her mom anyway, didn't approve. I guess she won't be coming to the wedding. I wouldn't invite her stepdad anyway, that prick. I asked Nara if she told her dad(not her step-dad), and she said she hadn't been able to locate him. Nara's dad went MIA years back. Occasionally he pops in to check on things, but you never really know where he is. Nara says he is a gambling addict and that he drinks heavily. I've never met the guy, so I don't know what to think.

So, my mom gets to plan a big wedding and she is about to wet herself. My dad is just happy that I'm doing the right thing. That's all he ever cares about. My brother and my sister think I'm a moron. They're both unmarried. I can't say I'm not a little bit envious of them. I'm not ready for any of this shit. Not one bit.

I also told my dad about my bar idea. Holy Christ if he wasn't into it. He said it showed great initiative and offered to help in any way he could. He even admitted that when he was younger he had wanted to open a bar. He said that I had the means to do it and that if I focused and did my research I could pull it off. That was the closest thing to praise that I ever remember getting from my father. Felt good. Now, I have to do this thing and not fuck it up.

Nara and I are going to go to a gallery today to look for paintings for the house. She says we don't have enough color. I guess she's right. Not sure what she has in mind though. I know nothing about art. Couldn't tell a Rembrandt from a Degas. Those are probably the only two artist names I know, by the way. So, anyway, not one clue. I'm sure Nara will know what to get. Takes the pressure off me, but I'll still end up looking like a dumb ass at the gallery. The only thing I'll have going for me there will be a big wallet.

After that we are going too go pick out colors for the baby's room. I'm sure that will transition smoothly into furniture shopping for the baby's room, which will lead to furniture shopping in general. I'm not looking forward to it, but I won't complain. If it makes Nara happy it means it makes me happy, right?

And then, the icing on the cake... Tomorrow, my mother is coming over to take Nara dress shopping. I swear this must be the best thing that ever happened to my mom. I've never seen her like this before. I bet my dad thinks it's hilarious.

Jay and I are going to go looking for a place for him to rent for his new venture. Not sure where that will take us, but I bet already has a list of places a mile long. And I bet he is going to be really particular about what he gets. It's going to have to have a 70's vibe or something. Heh. I don't know. Jay just has his own aesthetic. There, I used a big person word. I guess I didn't need that college degree after all.

The last thing is I reconnected with my Dungeons and Dragons pals. We're all going to meet up next week for a game. It will be nice to get back into the thick of it with them. I don't know if I can call them friends now, but I hope to in the future.

## July 4, 1992. Palm Beach, FL

Nara redecorated the house. I mean the entire fucking house. We gave all of the old furniture to the Salvation Army. Everything. Even my couch, which I loved. But Nara said nothing matched and that it would be best to start from scratch. My only condition was that I got to choose the next couch. She sort of agreed to it and we ended up with a couch I like but don't love. Whatever. Overall, things look really good. Of course, the total cost for this little project was over thirty grand. Leave it to Nara to find the most expensive furniture stores. The baby's crib alone was like six hundred dollars. And that was cheap, relatively speaking.

And we have paintings now. Paintings to the tune of...I'm almost going to puke...sixty thousand five hundred fifty two dollars and twenty-three cents. God, save the queen. And the funniest thing is that all of the paintings look like children made them. I could have painted them. But, Nara says they are all very good works. Works. Her word, not mine.

So, new furniture, new paintings, and that's it for now. Nara mentioned a country club membership to some place I never heard of. I thought country clubs were only for old people. Don't know if I want to do that, but Nara said we will make new friends. She said we don't have enough friends. I know that's true, but a country club? Anyway, happy fiancé happy life.

My mother, God bless her, has completely seized control of the wedding planning. Well, I guess she did that from the start. We are going to be having the ceremony at Saint Juliana's and then will have the reception at my parent's country club. Country Club. Seems like an odd place to hold a reception, but whatever. It's a nice enough place, and I'm sure my mother will decorate the shit out of it.

The wedding is going to be on August twenty-ninth. To be honest, the whole thing is freaking me out more than just a little bit. Why on earth is it necessary to get married? What if Nara divorces me and takes all my money? There, I said it. It's been bothering me. My dad told me to get a pre-nup, so I am going to a lawyer tomorrow to get one drafted. But, even then, aren't there loopholes or whatnot? Don't know, really.

Nara has a dress now. My mom has hidden it away at her house. I have to get a tux. I'm going to buy one, I think. Don't want a crappy rental tux.

I'm feeling all fidgety and anxious today. Haven't slept in several days and am kinda going bonkers. Thinking maybe I should go back on my medication. I haven't told my doctor that I stopped taking it. He just keeps giving me refills that I never fill. I think he would have a fit if he found out, so I'm not going to tell him. I'll just fill them if I need them.

This brings up another point. Nara and I don't have health insurance. Sure, I can afford to pay the bills, but why should I if I can have an insurance company do that for me? I'll ask my dad about it.

What else? Met up with my Dungeons and Dragons clan. Had a great time playing and knocking back beers. It was like no time had passed. My character is now a level eighteen wizard. Pretty powerful character. In our latest game, I killed a storm giant and a bunch of orcs. Yay. I also found a staff of ice wind. The thing is like +3 and can send out a blast of freezing wind that does 4d6 damage to any naughty monsters that get in my way. Kyle, our new dungeon master(the old one moved...forget his name now), told me that the thing is worth over twenty thousand gold pieces. Considering the fact that my character has around three thousand gold pieces to his name, that's pretty good. But, I'm not going to sell it. The damned thing is just too powerful to let go of.

It's a cool game, really, although most people who know about it think it's for nerds. Most of it is just role-playing and imagination. There is very little visual stuff. Basically, the dungeon master sets the stage and then the players all take turns telling him what they are going to do. You go on adventures that are basically monster killing and treasure gathering sessions. Pretty fun. It would be interesting to see this as a video game.

I started creating my own adventure for Dungeons and Dragons. Went out and bought more graph paper for the maps, and some colored pencils to make the maps come alive. I also bought a Dungeons and Dragons adventure module to help guide me in building a module that will be like other Dungeons and Dragons modules. Well, in form I mean. There is a whole formula. My module is called "Echo Mountain." It is an adventure where the players travel to a distant mountain in search of a missing prince. The only problem is the prince has turned into a lich, a nasty monster that will kill you in a heartbeat. I have to work on the back-story, of course, but that shouldn't be so difficult. Nara has poked fun at me more than a couple of times playing the game. Not in a mean way, mind you. She just thinks I am a little old to be playing it. I don't care. It's fun, so I will keep playing. And more to the point, I am not too old. Plenty of older people play the game. Maybe more older people than younger ones.

I'm going to go help Jay set things up in his new shop. He found a place on Forest Hill Boulevard. An old building with a lot of character, as Jay puts it. He has been setting up racks and now has records coming in from distributors. It's going to take a lot of records to fill the place. I told Jay he should at least get a few CD's, but he snorted at that. This is a vinyl shop, he said. I said what if people don't want vinyl anymore? He said he didn't care. Stubborn bastard.

Nara went out to hang with her girlfriend, Nicole. I guess they are going to go shopping, but I'm not sure what stores are open today. Nicole is a daddy's girl rich kid from Palm Beach that Nara met while shopping on Worth Avenue. They really hit it off and have been spending a lot of time together. I like Nicole, despite her somewhat snobby nature. I just hope it doesn't rub off on Nara.

The only thing I feel like doing is sleeping, but I can't do that.

## July 20, 1992. Palm Beach, FL

The American League won the all-star game, as if I care. And some girl from Florida won the Miss World USA contest. All the hot chicks live in Florida! Heh. Oh, yeah, and the Olympics start in Spain this week. That I am excited about. I've always loved the summer Olympics. I think my favorite event is the long jump. It's amazing that these guys can jump like thirty feet.

So, I'm still not sleeping and things are starting to take a turn for the worst. I started taking my medicine yesterday, but it isn't really helping much. My thoughts are a mess and I'm completely wired. Making matters worse, my drinking has really peaked. And I dropped acid and stayed out all night with the trees. Johnny, May, Alice, June and Bart all have had a few things to say about my life. They are concerned about the marriage, and who wouldn't be? Bart told me that Nara is cheating on me, but I don't see how that is possible given that I spend every waking minute with her, except when she is with Nicole. May thinks I'm having a nervous breakdown, but I don't see that either. Yeah, I'm stressed out as hell, but it's not like I'm freaking out. Alice says I am having an episode, which may be true, but I'm not running naked through the streets, so it can't be all that bad.

I don't know. The trees were really negative. Made for a downer of a trip. Nara was pissed at me for staying out all night, but she got over it pretty quickly. It's not like she hasn't tripped before. Of course, she doesn't do anything like that now, given that she is pregnant. Twelve weeks pregnant. It won't be long before we find out the sex of the baby. I am praying it's a boy.

Going to go play Dungeons and Dragons with the group tomorrow. I haven't finished my module yet, but I have warned them that it is coming. Kyle offered to teach me how to be dungeon master. There are so many rules that you have to keep track of, but I'm getting the hang of it.

Nara and my mom have been spending some time together. I have no clue what they do, and Nara really doesn't talk about it much. My guess is they are shopping. That's what women do, right? They spend spend spend. Reminds me. Nara bought this three-piece sculpture, three circles of different sizes standing on end. Again, this art looks like something a child might make. Still, they look nice in the family room. I don't know how much she spent on them. She used the AmEx to buy them, so I will find out soon enough. If I had to guess, I'd say three thousand. Nara likes to spend money, probably more than I do, and that's a lot. I'd try to slow her down, but I don't think it is really out of control. Now, if she blew a hundred grand on something I'd react, but I don't see that happening.

My dad invited me out to play golf, which I did not want to do, but did anyway. I know how to play the game, and I'm not terrible, but I find it really boring. The only thing dad and I talked about was the bar. I have been researching that lately, and have made a few decisions. First, it will not be a restaurant. Second, I am going to name it Harrigan's Pub. Third, I am going to try to open it on Clematis Street. There is a vacant space there that is reasonably large. I already scheduled a walk through for tomorrow. My dad agreed to come with me. The funny thing is, he seems more excited about it than I am. It's all he can talk about when he is with me. He likes the idea of making it an Irish pub, as any Irishman would. And he likes my ideas on decor for the place. He even started calling contractors to help me price things out without even telling me beforehand. You'd think this was going to be his bar.

So, I'll see the place tomorrow and if I like it I will sign a lease and then my new partner, Dad, and I will get to work making the place come to life. I almost wonder if he is going to want to bartend. That would be quite funny and a little bit odd. I almost asked him if that was what he wanted, but thought it might be rude. I guess I'll let him have his fun. Just don't want him to get all overbearing about it. It's my bar.

At least I'm not sleeping. That gives me plenty of time to get things done. Just need to focus. I keep saying that, but only because I need to.

## August 5, 1992. Palm Beach, FL

Well, I rented the space on Clematis, and my dad and I have been shopping around for contractors to do the work. It is going to be a lot of work. The space was completely empty. It had been a clothing store. So far we have three contractors we are looking at. Each has given estimates in the fifty thousand dollar range, which isn't bad, all things considered. Don't know how much materials and furniture will cost.

I have also applied for a liquor license and have set up a limited liability corporation or some such thing. My dad says it protects me financially if the business fails. Comforting.

If all goes well, we could be in business in about three months. Just need to find bartenders. My dad says I should hire a manager for the place too. Says it isn't something I'm going to want to do alone. He or she can be a bartender, so they won't be sitting on their hands most of the time.

Praying I get the liquor license soon. Dad said it isn't a problem. I don't know. Just another hurdle.

Jay opened his record store, The Spin Zone. I mean, it is such and obvious name in some ways, but it works. He has like a million records in there, mostly sixties and seventies stuff. He grudgingly agreed to stock some more modern artists, but only those that he hand selected. I wonder if he'll make any money.

Nara has started taking a night class. It is a painting class. She was so obsessed with all of the art that we saw when we were shopping around that she got a big bug in her butt and decided to take the class. I figure it's good for her.

Now we have all of these painting supplies in the house including a large easel. She has been painting like crazy. Mostly it is the kind of abstract stuff that she bought for the house. Some of it is actually of real things though. She painted a portrait of me, which was pretty decent, though my eyes were too close together. I didn't tell her that, of course.

I started sleeping again, and now I can't seem to get enough rest. The pendulum swings and I swing with it.

The wedding is on the twenty-ninth. I'm pretty nervous about it. Nervous about being married. Nervous about the ceremony and the reception. I'm worried that I will have a big zit on my face when we get married. Worried about everything. I swear, if I could just disappear I would. Go live in Jamaica or something. But, I have a kid coming, so I can't do that. I have to suck it up and take it like a man. That sounds a little gay. Whatever.

I have Dungeons and Dragons tonight. I forget what adventure we are going on. Kyle told me, but it just went in and out. I just know it will be fun.

I don't do many fun things. Mostly, I just sit around the house and watch TV. That and I make plans for the bar and read. I'm reading _The Fellowship of the Ring_ right now. I've read it before and I really liked it, though it is difficult at times to wade through. I guess I'm not a very strong reader. Maybe if I had gone to college...

So, just sitting here, trying to figure out what to do. Maybe I'll take a walk. I've been gaining a little weight lately. Not too much, but it's noticeable. Nara hasn't said anything. She's thin as a rail. Too thin considering the fact she is pregnant. But, I'm not about to criticize her for it. She's pretty sensitive, easily hurt. I tend to stay as positive as possible around her. It's not that hard, really. We don't have a difficult life. At least, not yet.

I wonder how things will be when the baby comes. I hope things don't change too much. The other day I spent hours just thinking about that. I couldn't stop. Drove me bonkers. Nara kept asking me what was wrong and I kept saying nothing was wrong. But, she knew. I'm sure she knows what is bothering me. Honestly, I think it bothers her too. But, she wouldn't tell me that. We don't communicate that much, which is fine most of the time, but I feel like something is missing. People should talk to each other. Husbands and wives especially. I just don't know how to do it.

## August 20, 1992. Palm Beach, FL

Got the liquor license and hired a contractor. Work should be done in a few weeks. I got the liquor license because my dad greased the wheels a bit. He had a friend who knew a guy. You know how it goes.

I check in on the bar every day now. I like to see the work being done. My dad also checks in. He is just as excited about it as I am. I think he thinks it's his bar. Heh. Won't be long. Won't be long. I think this is just what I needed.

Nara and I are going to go to France for our honeymoon. She has always wanted to go there. I haven't told her that I think it sucks, and I guess I won't tell her. I mean, if I spoke French, then I would probably like it, but I don't so it sucks. She speaks a little French, perhaps enough for us to get by. I hope so, because last time I was there it was a royal pain in the ass not knowing French.

Her big thing is that she wants to visit the Louvre. That and she wants to go to all of the usual sights, and, of course, she wants to shop. I know she is going to go crazy there and that's okay by me. I like it when she is happy, which isn't that often, although she doesn't tell me she's not happy. I can just tell. I think she is reliving the bad times with Rick the dick. Wouldn't surprise me.

Sometimes I wonder if she is reading this diary, and if she is, what she thinks of me. I keep it hidden, but not that well hidden perhaps. I guess I shouldn't care if she's reading it. She is my wife, after all...or is going to be my wife. I shouldn't really be hiding things from her. But, I hope she hasn't read it. It's really just for me.

Thought about Tony Pina today. Was hoping he was disfigured in some terrible accident. Hopefully the face. He is such a pretty boy. He looks a lot like coach. Fucking coach.

The wedding is in eight days. Holy fucking crap! But, I'm not completely freaking out. I guess I've kind of resigned myself to it. What will come will come. I just hope I don't fuck things up during the ceremony, or have an episode beforehand. That would be a nightmare of epic proportion. I've been lucky so far. No major episodes in a while. Just some mildly manic behavior and sleep loss. But, it's tricky, as I well know. The shit can just spring up and grab me and then who the hell knows what might happen? I can't remember if I was like this as a kid, or if it hadn't started and I was just a pain in the ass. But, if I was, why didn't my parents catch it?

My brother announced that he was getting married last night during a family dinner. Way to steal the show, asshole. But, whatever. His fiancé is nice enough though I don't know her that well. They live in Atlanta, a miserable city if there ever was one. Well, it's not so bad. Just too congested.

They aren't getting married until next June, which begs the question, why announce it now right before my wedding? Again, stealing the show. Of course, my mom went into full boogie planning mode. Would they marry in Florida? Who should come? Where would they honeymoon? And so on. I think this is the most fun my mother has had in her life. I don't think it has dawned on my mother yet that the bride's parents are supposed to plan the wedding. The groom's parents do something too, but not the main event. I guess maybe since she planned my wedding, she thinks she can plan his. I think she is in for a rude awakening.

My sister, now eighteen years old, told my parents she was getting married too, and she had them going for a while before she admitted that she was just fucking with them. She's funny like that. Always pushing buttons. The funniest part was that she doesn't even have a boyfriend, and I'm pretty sure she is a lesbian, but I've never confronted her on it. If she wants to lap clams for the rest of her life that's her business. God knows the world needs more lesbians. That is not my parent's take on things though. Being gay is a sin in their eyes. They are sort of homophobic.

I think her friend Amy is gay too. Maybe they are girlfriends. Don't really want to imagine that.

Another boring day. Nara is out with Nicole. She kind of rushed out. She has been spending a lot of time with Nicole lately. I've decided I don't like Nicole. Kinda bitchy.

I need more friends. Really, all I have is Jay and my Dungeons and Dragons buddies. I'm wondering if I will make more friends when I open the bar. Seems like a possibility. It certainly would be welcome. I've had almost zero contact with old friends from high school and from by brief stint at college. Makes me wonder if they really liked me or if they thought I was a dick. Hard to say. It is difficult to remember how I used to behave. There's a fog through which I only catch brief glimpses of the past.

## September 2, 1992. Palm Beach, FL

Nara had a miscarriage during our wedding reception.

I had gotten so used to the idea of being a father that I was almost ready for it. Well, truth be told, I am a father. My child is dead though. I don't even know what sex it was, but I'm going to call him Jack. My first son.

Nara is a wreck. My mother is a wreck. My dad is my dad, maybe oblivious or just able to keep it together. I don't know what I am. I guess I'm sad. I'm really unable to process it.

I wonder what being a father is like. I wonder what kind of father I would have been to Jack. I'd like to think I would be a good father, but I don't know. I think I would struggle with it, really. That and I would be pressed to figure out what to do with a child. I guess I could figure it out. My parents did after all...well, they did something. Actually, I can't say much about my parents. I don't recall a lot of interaction with them.

Nara would have been a good mom, I think. She was really excited about having a kid. I think that is why she is so devastated now. Utter trauma. I don't know when she is going to get better and I don't know how to help.

I took her to the beach yesterday and we sat there for a couple of hours. We didn't say anything. Not one word. I suppose that is best. Words are overrated, and in situations like this one they can make things worse. The last thing I want to do is to stick my foot in my mouth and hurt her. Still, I want to tell her that everything is going to be okay.

I wonder if she regrets getting married now that she lost the baby. I never really could tell how she felt about it and often wondered if she was just doing it because it was the "right" thing to do, not that I think it necessarily was the right thing to do. It was more what my parents wanted than anything.

Now that we are married, and the conditions of the marriage have changed so dramatically, I feel...I don't know the word. Maybe it's adrift. Maybe.

Marriage wasn't what I wanted. That much is clear. But, it is what I am faced with now. I know I can make it work if I try, but I don't know if I'll try. Do I want to spend the rest of my life with Nara? Does she make me happy? Are we meant to be together? We were brought together by a boyhood crush and by her bad relationships with Rick and her parents. Not by mutual love, and that seems important. I had always imagined a wild love affair. But that isn't how things worked out, now is it. I guess you can't always choose. When I have these doubts, I try to think of that day on Lake Worth Beach, holding her hand. It makes things a little easier.

It's ten o'clock. Nara is asleep. She has been taking my sleeping pills. I think she is taking too many, but I haven't asked. It's better to just let her do what she wants. It's going to take time for her to pull through. Hell, it's going to take time for me to pull through too. Losing Jack has had quite an impact on me. It wasn't a possibility that I had considered. I thought we would have Jack and we would build a new life together, the three of us. I thought we would be a family.

I don't know what to do with myself.

The Dungeons and Dragons crew asked me if I wanted to play tonight. I had to decline. I didn't tell them what had happened. I don't want to tell anyone.

Jay asked Nara and me out tomorrow. He thinks it will be good for us. I'm hoping Nara will feel good enough to do that. And, God knows I could use a drink right about now. A few, actually. And, I'm going to have to be careful. I could go overboard.

Tomorrow, I am meeting with my doctor. I am going to have to tell him everything. He is going to tell me I need a therapist. Maybe I'll get one. I need somebody not connected to all this madness that can help put things in perspective.

## October 8, 1992. Palm Beach, FL

Nara and I are getting a divorce.

A couple of weeks ago she admitted to me that Jack wasn't my baby, which makes sense because I was pretty sure I had been using condoms at the time he was conceived. She told me Jack was Rick's baby. What I can't figure out is how she managed to cheat on me with Rick. I mean, we were spending almost all of our time together. Whatever.

I can't say I wasn't hurt when she told me, but I didn't get angry. I guess I shut down, more than anything. But, why would she cheat on me with someone who hurt her so badly? Was it for drugs? Were drugs responsible for Jack's death? Possible, but not definite.

So, Nara has moved in with her mom and Dwight. I gave her some money to live on. I didn't have to give her anything. We had a prenup after all. Anyway, she said she didn't want my money. She said it was nice to have it, but that it was mine and mine alone.

I guess I'm not a father anymore, but I still feel like one, and Jack's death is still bringing me great sorrow. In some ways he really was mine.

There will be no family. No playing in the yard with my boy. I am on my own again, and I still don't know what to do with myself.

I do have the bar to keep me occupied. The contractor is make great progress and it won't be long until we open. My dad and I hired four bartenders to take the shifts. I forget their names except for one. Georgia Blake. She is going to be the bar manager. Seems nice. Very professional. My dad really likes her.

I've stopped sleeping again, and I'm out of sleeping pills. Nara took them. I guess it was my final gift to her.

What else? I went to see a therapist and it was a disaster. I was a blubbering mess, and this was before Nara dropped her bombshell. I honestly don't remember what we talked about. But, I'm sure I dumped all of the bad shit I had ever experienced. As for what the therapist said to me, those memories are lost. I'm not sure I'll go back. It didn't seem to do much good.

That said, I have stopped taking my medicine again. I feel like it drags me down, although I am not sure of it. I seem to be in a better place without it most of the time.

I think after the bar opens, I am going to go away. I've been thinking about Tucson. That couple in Savannah had mentioned it and the thought has stayed with me. I'll probably invite Jay, although I don't know if he will have time. He is very busy with The Spin Zone. Works all the time. I told him he should hire more people(he only has one employee), but he said he likes working. I guess business is good, which surprises me. CD's are much better than vinyl. Hell, even cassette tapes seem better, although they get all jammed up sometimes.

Life seems so empty now. I mean, to be honest, even before all this crazy shit went down, life was kind of empty. But, now, it is really empty. I don't have a sense of purpose. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not whining. It is a serious problem. It's dangerous for me to feel this way. Bad shit can happen. I don't trust myself.

I'm going to the bookstore now, to buy myself a much needed distraction.

## October 31, 1992. West Palm Beach, FL

I'm sitting in Harrigan's Pub right now. It's five o'clock. We are going to open the bar for the first time at six. The whole place is decorated for Halloween. This is the perfect day to open the bar. I am thinking we are going to get a ton of customers. It's going to be amazing.

My dad is here, of course. He wants this as badly as I do. He is walking around, inspecting things, and chatting with Georgia. I think the bartenders all think it is his bar, and I guess in some ways it is. I haven't done anything to correct that. Seems pointless. Let them think what they want.

I'm sipping on a pint right now, thinking about things. I want this to work out so badly. I want something to work out. This seems like the right way to launch me into a better life.

Jay is going to be here tonight, as is Tamara. I also invited the Dungeons and Dragons crew. They were all surprised to find out that I had a bar. I hadn't mentioned it to them.

I also invited Nara, but I don't think she'll come. I guess that makes sense, given all that has happened.

So, I'm hoping Harrigan's will be packed tonight.

In other news, I fucked Gail the stripper again. She didn't remember me, but I remembered her. Total cost for that moment of bliss was about a hundred dollars in lap dances. This time, she didn't ask me to be her boyfriend, which was a relief. Just some in and out and a polite goodbye. I guess I should feel bad about it, but I don't.

When I went to the strip club, I knew exactly what I was after, and who I was after. I brought condoms and plenty of cash. I guess you could say I was almost stalking her. The bottom line is I knew she was an easy target, and anyway, I wanted to get laid. I think another part of me wanted a distraction from thoughts of Nara.

I don't intend to make frequent visits to the club, but it is nice to know I have an option if I'm horny. Jay thinks I'm asking for trouble. Whatever. It's better than beating off.

## November 1, 1992. Palm Beach, FL

A huge success. That is it in a nutshell, if I can borrow a phrase from my father.

I don't know how many people came in, but the place was packed. We didn't make as much money as we might have because we were offering two for one drinks. But, still, we did well.

Jay and Tamara were there as were all of the Dungeons and Dragons folks. I spent a lot of time with them. I think all of them were impressed. Jay had already seen the place, so it was no big surprise to him, but the others had not.

Nara didn't come, and I didn't expect her to, but I was still a little disappointed. I think it would have been good for her to get out. There is no reason why the events of the past should have stopped her. She is still my friend after all.

Georgia said she made over four hundred dollars in tips. That sounds pretty good, I guess, but I wouldn't know. She seemed happy anyway.

Cleaning up afterwards was a bit of a pain. The floors were covered with spilled beer and cocktails, a sticky mess. But, that is just part of owning a bar.

We also had a bunch of underage kids come into the bar, but we card, so they were sent packing. I feel kind of bad about that, but there are consequences if you get caught serving underage people. Anyway, the police could have sent them in. That happens. When I was in high school during my senior year, I was approached by a police officer who asked me if I could help him by being a narc and by going to bars and trying to get them to serve me. I didn't do it, because I'm not a total asshole.

I've been thinking about getting a band for the bar. Jay is in a new band. Attak didn't work out. Jay cited creative differences. Maybe I can get his new band to play.

My mother is making plans for my brother's wedding. She says she now has enough time to do it right. That bothers me just a little, but I'm not going to say anything about it. I wonder how she feels about my marriage and impending divorce. It's hard to say. My father actually apologized to me for pushing me to get married. He says it wasn't the right thing to do. That is pretty big coming from him. I told him it was okay. I didn't have to do it.

Sometimes I wonder if this divorce is the right thing. Could Nara ever be trusted again? It is an odd thought considering the fact that I didn't really want to get married in the first place. But, it is the thought I have, so I have to consider it. What drove Nara to cheat? What kind of connection does she have with Rick? Is it just drugs? She could have gotten drugs from a lot of people. So, why Rick? Honestly, I don't even know if drugs play into this. It is just a suspicion. I wonder if drugs ended Jack's life. Nara had been really out of it at times, in a cloud. She would mumble to herself or break out in laughter at the oddest of times.

I've been thinking about buying a super-car, very high end. If I was older, you might say this was the result of a mid-life crisis. In fact, it probably is a result of a crisis, but I don't care. I want the damned car. There are a lot out there, so I have to do my research. I know my dad and Jay would tell me not to do it. But it's my decision and I want one.

## November 15, 1992. Tucson, AZ

I'm restless. I've been thinking it's time for a change. I want to move. It's all rather sudden perhaps, but I think it's the right thing to do.

I'll keep the bar, of course, and will visit regularly, but I don't want to be in Florida anymore.

I figure I'll sell my house and buy or rent a nice condo in West Palm Beach to stay in when I am in town. My house has too many bad memories for me. And being in there, looking at all of the things Nara did to it makes me feel kind of ill.

I'm going to be traveling to a number of places. I'm going to go from here to Seattle. From there I am going to go to San Francisco and then to LA. Following that I am going to go to Santa Fe and then Austin, and then we'll see after that. I've also thought about Connecticut. There are some really nice areas there that are close to New York City. I wouldn't want to live in New York City though. Too crowded. I would feel lost.

I'm hoping I can find the right place in the next month or two.

Tucson is a nice place. A little run down in places, but there are some really nice areas. I'm not sure I could live here. It does have a lot of people my age though, a lot of college kids. There are a couple of really good bars, Dirtbags and The Shelter, and there are tons of activities, but it is just not right for me.

So, I'll find the right place. I don't know how Jay will take the news. Well, actually, he will probably tell me it is the right thing to do. That's Jay. Mr. Agreeable. My dad is going to wonder why I bothered opening a bar if I'm not going to stay around to run it. My mom won't voice her opinion. I don't know what Nara will say. Actually, we don't really talk, so she might not find out for a while.

I'm going to stay here another day, then catch my flight to Seattle. I hear it's a great place, but the weather isn't always the best. Maybe all that rain wouldn't be a bad thing for me. I don't know. I just know I need to find somewhere away from Florida. I don't really like this lifestyle, and I wonder why, when I won the lottery, I decided to stay. And I really don't understand why I bought a place in Palm Beach. I don't fit in there.

So, Seattle first and then onwards.

Today, for shits and giggles, I am going to go around Tucson with a realtor. Just to see. Who knows? Maybe I could find a small vacation home here. Definitely not my home home, but a place to stay when I'm visiting my new favorite bars.

Dirtbags is near the University of Arizona. It is a bit of a dive, but it has atmosphere and cheap drinks. The bartenders are good and their dirt burger is pretty tasty. The Shelter is more of a weird cold-war themed lounge. I guess it is anyway. The bottom line is I really like both places.

I was thinking about Nara today. I guess her cheating with Rick really bothers me. What did I do wrong? Was I too distant? Did she feel like I didn't care about her? Is Rick some amazing lover? What is it? I mean, yes, I didn't want to marry her, but that doesn't mean I didn't see a future with her. In fact, I think I did see a future with her, and I was even starting to get excited about being a parent with her. But, she chose Rick. Rick, the asshole who pimped her out. I wonder if he is doing that now. Or is he reformed? Did he clean up and get a real job? Who the fuck knows? Besides telling me that she had cheated on me, Nara told me absolutely nothing about her reason for doing it. Nothing. I could have pressed her, but I was too shocked to ask. It's too late now. There is no point in asking. I feel disgusted and used.

Maybe I'll move to some amazing place and meet someone. I want someone who is nice and doesn't have a lot of baggage. Someone honest and funny and beautiful. Simple things to want really. She doesn't have to be rich or have some amazing job. Just want her to be present and thoughtful and kind. And, I want her to be able to put up with my shit.

For my part, I need to clean up my act and get out of this funk I'm in. Nobody is going to want to be with me when I'm like this. Maybe I should start taking my medicine again. Were things better when I was medicated? I can't remember, but I know I went off the medication because I didn't like how it made me feel. But what if that was just my sickness and not the medicine?

I don't have any answers and I don't know how to get them. Just have to take things day by day. It will get better. Yeah. Just be patient.

## November 20, 1992. Seattle, WA

I think Seattle is the place. Don't mind the rain and I really like the area. Good bars, of course. What else would you expect? And the real estate is reasonable.

I looked at four houses. The one I like is on the southern peninsula. It has views of everything and is right on the water. They're asking four hundred fifty thousand for it, but I bet I can get them down. The realtor said it had been on the market for a year. It will need some work, of course. Rip out the carpets, redo the bathrooms and bedrooms. New kitchen. But that is just pennies. I'm going to call the realtor and offer four hundred thousand for it. We'll see how that goes.

It is smaller than my current home, three bedrooms and three baths, but then I really don't need a lot of space. There is plenty to do in the neighborhood. Some restaurants and bars. Everything is close by, some of it within walking distance.

I know I probably should go to some of the other places on my list, but I'm not going to do it. It would only make me indecisive.

I called my dad today. He took the news well. He thinks it is possible for me to be bi-coastal, as he put it. He even said opening another Harrigan's might be a good idea.

Harrigan's is doing well. The place is packed every night. Mostly, it is location location location, but I think the atmosphere helps too. While I'm not making a fortune, it is good money. I hope it stays that way.

Speaking of money, my investments continue to do well. Katherine is doing a great job. Sometimes I feel like I should be more involved, but I feel like I don't know enough to make the decisions for myself. The only decisions I've made are how much risk I want to take and how much to invest. The bottom line is I'm making money. I don't spend enough to drain my money(except for all that money I spent on Art, and then the Jeeps), although buying another house and renting a condo is going to set me back a little bit. But, I'll make it back when I sell the house in Palm Beach. My dad already connected me with a realtor who will sell the house. I figure the realtor can get me a condo and sell my house at the same time.

I just need to take it easy on the spending. Glad I didn't buy some insanely expensive car. I was so close. But it would have been wasted money, and besides that, I was probably manic when I was considering it. That is the worst time to make such a decision.

I've decided I'm going to get a cell phone. Seems like a good idea if I'm going to be out and about. That and maybe I will stay in closer contact with people.

I'm going home for Thanksgiving. The whole family will be there including my favorite uncle, Ted. Ted is my father's younger brother. He is an absolute riot. Totally irresponsible and wild. My dad says it is because my grandparents let him do anything he wanted as a child. Whatever the case, they did something right. More people should be like uncle Ted. He lives in San Diego and owns a diving supply store. He also collects toy trains. He gave me my first train set, which I hated at the time, but grew to love.

I talked to my brother yesterday. He tracked me down at my hotel and gave me a call. He wanted to know how I was doing. This is the first time ever that he has expressed interest in my life. Not that he was a bad brother. He never picked on me. He was just distant. I guess that is because he is so much older than me. Still, I don't think that much of him. He is kind of arrogant, and he is a lawyer, which is a big strike against him. But, I guess he means well. So, I should cut him some slack.

My sister and I are closer now, although we don't talk that often. When we do talk, it is usually about school, or her frustration with Mom for always telling her she needs a boyfriend. I think my mom suspects my sister is gay. I think if and when my sister comes out, it will be a difficult time at the Harrigan home. But, I think that might be a far way off. She is going to Vassar starting in the spring. I think she is going to do women's studies or some such thing. Kidding. I have no clue what she will study. When she goes, I get the feeling she is really going to cut loose. Not that she is a real partier or anything, but I think socially, at the very least, she is going to be much more active. Right now she really just has one friend, her "girlfriend." In college, I think there will be more girlfriends.

I wonder what Nara is doing now. Is she with Rick? Why do I miss her so much? After what she did to me, shouldn't I despise her? I don't know. Well, I know I don't despise her. She was a big part of my life, at least for a while. Now she is gone, living a new life. I just hope she doesn't blow it.

I told Jay that I'm moving. He didn't seem surprised. In fact, he told me he thought it was a good idea(as expected), even though he will hate to see me go. He is still working all the time. His business has really taken off. I guess there is a real market for crappy vinyl. I still think he needs CD's in his shop. But, Jay is Jay and there is no arguing with him.

It's time to call the realtor and to put an offer in for the new home of my dreams, my modern three bedroom, and three-bath palace with an amazing view.

Life is changing, and I think for the better.

## December 4, 1992. Palm Beach, FL

I ended up getting the house in Seattle for four hundred twenty thousand, a reasonable price, I think. I close on it on the twentieth. I put my house in Palm Beach on the market and have had a few people come through to look at it. My realtor says it is in great condition so it should sell quickly. I also bought a small condo in West Palm Beach. It is in a nice complex. It has two bedrooms and two baths, a perfect size for short visits.

Harrigan's raked in a ton of cash the other night. It was a madhouse. I swear that place is a gold mine. I might take my dad's advice and open another one in Seattle. He said that if I play it right, I could even turn Harrigan's into a franchise, whatever that is.

Georgia has been doing a great job running the place. I really like her. She really understands the business and has a lot of ideas for promotions and events. My dad says I should offer her some sort of profit sharing thing or quarterly bonuses. Not sure how that will work. I leave it to my dad to figure out what to do.

Talked to Nara yesterday on my new cellphone(awesome little thing though I barely use it). She didn't sound great. She wouldn't tell me much about what was going on, so I figure it is something I won't like. Anyway, I wished her well and told her that I was here for her if she ever needed help. She didn't respond to that. Maybe I should cut ties with her.

Which brings up a big thing... The divorce is final. In the end I gave her all of the paintings in the house, some of the furniture, and a decent amount of cash to live on. My lawyer told me I was crazy and that I really didn't need to give her as much money as I did. But, I thought it was the right thing to do. I just pray she doesn't fuck up her life.

I'm going to stay in Palm Beach through New Years and then I'm going to move into the new place. Jay is going to come out with me to help me move. Not that there is much to do. The movers will take care of everything. I figure we'll just hang out, hit some bars and maybe look around for a location for Harrigan's.

Today, I have some movers coming in to bring some of the furniture from the house over to the condo. I'm also expecting delivery of a couch and other pieces of furniture. Tomorrow, some movers are going to grab all of Nara's stuff from the house and deliver it to her new place in Wellington. After that, I will be staying in the condo. It will be nice to be out of this house. Too many memories. I really don't like being here.

I sold my Mercedes, despite the fact that I really loved that car. But, I only need one car and I like the idea of being able to go off road in my Jeep, although I never do that.

Going to meet up with the Dungeons and Dragons crew tonight. It will probably be the last time I play with them. I'm hoping I can find another group in Seattle to play with. It's one of the few things I really like to do.

I need to find a girl in Seattle. It will take my mind off all the bad crapola. Just don't know where I will find someone. Something tells me meeting someone at a bar is a bad idea. So, I'm going to have to get involved with something that will bring me near a new future ex Mrs. Harrigan.

So, a busy day. I'll probably hang out at the bar tonight. Get a little drunk, hit on chicks, and make a fool of myself. The usual. Well, the part about getting drunk anyway.

It kind of feels like the old Harrigan is back. Not that it is a good thing. The old Harrigan wasn't the best person. But, if I can police myself, I should do okay with that persona.

Who knows? Maybe I'll meet someone tonight. Maybe.

# Starting Over

## January 20, 1993. Seattle, WA

A new life, and off to a good start at that. My house is all set up. Looks great. I have met a few people(at bars). My house in Palm Beach sold for above the asking price by over fifty thousand dollars, so that covered the costs for the sale. Things are good.

I've been hanging out in this area called Pioneer Square. Pretty cool area. There is a bar called The Pioneer Square Saloon that I am going to. Cool place. Cheap drinks. A lot of people. Mostly, I just sit at the bar. Occasionally, I strike up a conversation.

I met an older guy named Kit. He is a chemical engineer who has invented some sort of miracle rub that helps with all sorts of problems, like arthritis. You just rub it on and it works, according to him.

Kit is a real talker and seems to know everything. I'm not sure if he is full of shit but I like him. He is a nice guy and has made me feel really welcome. He is also a very serious drinker, although he never seems to get drunk. I watched him put down seven pints yesterday and he didn't even show the slightest sign of inebriation. Impressive. Wonder how healthy his liver is.

He is trying to get patents for his formula and I think for the process of creating it. And he is trying to get some sort of government approval for it, but says that is a pain in the ass. Further, he claims that if it does get approved, he is going to be rich as shit. Good for him.

He doesn't know much about me, because he is always talking. Sometimes, I try to get a word in on some subject of interest to me and he steers the conversation somewhere else. Too funny. I don't mind. It's just good to have someone to hang out with.

I also met someone more my age. His name is Blake. Blake is an artist, although I don't know if he is a good artist. He is on a tight budget. Not a good tipper. But, whatever. Some people don't have money to burn. I buy him drinks when he is around. I'm not paying him off to be my friend, of course. I just know he doesn't have a lot and I want to help out.

Then there is Lori. She is a writer. Twenty-seven years old, kind of meek. I met her through Blake. I'm not sure if they are dating, but he talks to her an awful lot. She writes children's books. Also, she does all of the illustration work. A saw a couple of her sketches and they were pretty cool. She hasn't published anything yet, but she said some publishing house was looking at a couple of her books. If she talked more, she might be interesting, but she doesn't. Not stuck up, just quiet.

The bartenders are pretty cool, Jake in particular. He breaks into song all the time. Not a very good singer though. But, whatever. It's his thing.

I'm going there tonight to hang out. I don't really know of any other places to go to at this point. I'm sure I'll find some, but I'm happy with this place for now.

I looked at potential Harrigan's locations. Found one place in the area that looks pretty good. I told my dad. He is going to fly out to look at it with me. It's funny how excited he is about this. I know I say that all the time, but it's true. He is really into it.

I've been wondering if I should change the theme and the name for the new place. My dad doesn't think it is a good idea. Still, maybe something more modern, like a martini bar. I don't know. Maybe that wouldn't fit in around here. It doesn't seem to be that type of place.

Talked to Nara yesterday. She is still pretty quiet about what is going on in her life and didn't seem that interested in mine. I really should stop calling her. I don't know why I do. We're not a couple anymore, and our relationship ended in a pretty bad way. Still, I am drawn to her. I guess I always will be. Jay says I need to walk away. He says she is only going to bring me down. Perhaps he is right. I'll try not calling her for a while and see how that works out.

I love my house. It is such a great hangout. Once I have more friends, I am going to have a party. Should be pretty cool. Just need the friends. But, I'm doing okay. I've met three people who I like and I'm sure I'll meet more.

I haven't found any Dungeons and Dragons people here. Maybe it's not a thing in these parts. I have to find a hobby shop in the area. That might help.

## February 14, 1993. Seattle, WA

Turns out Kit grows pot in his basement. Go figure. He gave me a little bag of it the other day, and I have to say it is powerful shit. He also gave me some speed, which was a welcome present. He makes that himself. No clue where he gets the chemicals to do that.

I took the speed yesterday and hung out at the bar. Ended up meeting two people, Andy and Ivy.

Andy works for a software company as a programmer. They make video games. I'm not much into video games, although I do have a computer and occasionally goof around. Well, I also have my Sega console. I play _Virtua Fighter_ every now and then. Fun game. Cool graphics.

Andy likes to drink, which is fine with me. He can put down a ton of beer, and gets awfully drunk. He is funny when he is drunk. He keeps saying things like, "Arrh and aye, the pirate alphabet," and "I'm not dunk." Funny stuff although it gets old after a while.

Ivy is a paralegal at some law firm. Hates her job. Hates lawyers. She and I traded stories. I told her all about Tony Pina. She says most lawyers are douchebags. I couldn't agree more. When Ivy gets drunk she gets the giggles and she hiccups a lot. It's funny, but I don't make fun of her. I think she is twenty-six. Attractive, but not hot. She is from Connecticut. Moved out here after college. Hates the east coast. Drives a beater car, but doesn't care. She's not much into material things.

Andy and Ivy are friends. Just friends. He says he went out with her once, but it didn't click. I'm thinking of asking her out, but I'm going to wait. Plus, I don't know what Andy would think about it. Maybe he secretly wants things to work out between them.

Blake was in yesterday and he was a mess. He wouldn't say much about it. He is the sensitive type. I bought him a few rounds and he mellowed out, but was still pretty torn apart. Probably a girl. Maybe it was Lori. Haven't seen her in a while.

My dad was here a few days ago to look at the space I found. He wasn't overly thrilled with it, though he said it had potential. It is a one-story building with a nice facade. Inside, it is a bit of a mess. The whole place really needs to be gutted. That will cost a lot. But, if you consider how much Harrigan's in West Palm is making, it doesn't seem like a bad investment. So, I'm going to get the place. I've called several contractors and I have an appointment with the realtor tomorrow to negotiate price. I think what they are asking is a little steep. While it is in a good enough location, it isn't in a really hot location, and they are asking a hot location price for it.

I bought a bike. A lot of people ride bikes here. So, I've been riding, and can say riding makes me feel better. I'm terribly out of shape though, so it will take a while before I can take long rides.

What else is going on? I talked to Nara, against my better judgment. I had kind of sworn that I was going to cut ties with her, but I wasn't able to do it.

She claims things are good. She found a job working as an assistant to some guy who owns a construction business. Doesn't pay that well, but it's a job and it keeps her out of her own head. She said she had met someone, which pained me to hear. At least she's not with Rick. Or so I hope. She had been painting a lot and continues to go to her night classes.

Jay is doing well. The business is booming and he is really happy with this new band he is in. He saw Maggie the other day and talked to her for a while. He claims he has no hard feelings and that he is actually happy that things didn't work out. He is much happier with Tamara. I like Tamara a lot better than I liked Maggie.

I'm going back to West Palm in a couple of weeks to check in on the bar and visit Jay and my family. By then, I should have a lease for the new place and be building out the space. Have to get all of the legal stuff done, of course, but that should be fine.

Have been feeling pretty good over all. I'm not sleeping well, but that is pretty normal for me. I don't have a doctor anymore, but I don't think I really need one. The spell has passed and I am in pretty good shape.

It's Valentine's Day. I don't have a girlfriend. Really need to find one. I'm getting blue balls. Don't like beating off because it makes me feel lonely, thus the blue balls. Maybe I can find someone for a one-night stand. Not my favorite thing to do, but a guy has to be a guy sometimes.

## March 8, 1993. Seattle, WA

Work has started on the bar. The contractor says it will take a while, given the poor condition the place is in. I'm going to call it Harrigan's II, I think. Well, maybe. I was also toying with the idea of calling it The Rattled Gnome. I don't know where that name came from, but it has stuck with me. I guess it is kind of a Dungeons and Dragons thing. I don't know. Another idea is The King's Rest. And then there is The Lost Retreat. That one is interesting to me. Kind of a play on words. Anyway, I have time to decide. We aren't likely to open for at least another two months.

I'm still going to The Pioneer Square Saloon. I've been spending time with all my friends there, but mostly have been spending time with Lori. I finally got her to start talking. She is actually pretty funny once you get to know her. She admitted to me that she is also working on an adult novel, and by that I mean one of those erotic romance books. Not too dirty, but dirty enough says she. I think it's absolutely the funniest thing, but I haven't shared that with her. She seems to take it pretty seriously. It is a period piece, drawing on her studies in college of the Elizabethan era. Normally, I wouldn't go for anything like this, but I am curious. I told her I would be happy to read it if she wants an opinion. She is thinking about it. My guess is she won't let me read it. Well, not anytime soon anyway.

Kit hasn't been around lately. I'm wondering if something happened to him. None of the bartenders have seen him. He is a big guy, meaning obese. I think obese people can have heart problems. I hope is hasn't had a heart attack or anything like that.

I introduced Andy and Ivy to Blake and Lori. Now all of us kind of hang out together, although Blake isn't around as much. Not sure what is going on with him. He seems so depressed all the time. Lori claims he has always been moody and suspects he suffers from depression, which I can relate to. Hopefully, he will open up a bit and get whatever is bothering him off his chest.

I told everyone about my plans for a new bar, and they were all pretty excited. I hadn't told them about Harrigan's in West Palm Beach. I don't know. I think they were surprised. Maybe it is because I am so young. I guess you wouldn't expect someone my age to be a bar owner. Everyone said that the new place, whatever the name might be, will be their new hangout. So, I already have some customers, although I have no intention of charging them for drinks. Anyway, they all like the name The Lost Retreat. So, maybe that is the one.

I was in West Palm last week. Checked in on Harrigan's. Georgia really has things under control. The place is raking it in, which is good because it keeps the bartenders happy. The only problem is Gary, one of the bartenders. Georgia thinks he might be stealing from the cash register. She can't prove it yet, so she is watching him closely.

Gary seems like a nice enough guy. I mean he is personable, if not a bit charming. He seems to be good with the customers and definitely works hard. He never leaves a mess behind and is good about restocking the bar at night. So, mostly good. But, if he is stealing, of course, he will have to go.

Georgia recommended sending someone in to watch him. A fake customer or something like that. I told her to do it if she knows someone. She does. So, operation Sneaky Barfly is now in the works.

My mother is in seventh heaven right now, planning for my brother's wedding. You would think she was the bride's mother. I wonder if the bride's mother, Sheila, is put off by my mother's involvement. Who knows? Let her have her fun, I say.

My sister is about to start at Vassar. Sociology or some such thing. I don't know. She hasn't come out yet, but I'm guessing it will be soon. I don't talk to her that often. She is always busy with friends. I gave her a cellphone recently, and put her on my plan. I can see on the bill that she uses it a lot, but not to call me. Sigh.

My brother and I talked the other day. Apparently, he and Allie, his fiancé, have been fighting. Mostly it is over the long hours he puts in at work. He is frustrated because it is the only way he will ever make partner in his firm. I told him to find a new profession. Lawyers really bug me.

I'm going to the saloon tonight, of course. The gang will be there. At least, everyone except Blake. Nobody could reach him.

## March 19, 1993. Seattle, WA

Blake is dead. He hung himself in his closet. He left a note. In a nutshell, his reason was he couldn't cope with his breakup with Lori. Further, and this is the part that kills me, he said he couldn't stand seeing her with me. He thought Lori and I were becoming a thing, which isn't true.

Lori found him. She had been worried about him and went over to his apartment, and there he was, dangling in the closet. Needless to say, Lori is all broken up. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't broken up too. In fact, this has hit me really hard. It has brought back many bad memories. I feel bad for Blake too, of course. And Lori.

So, now I am responsible for Blake's death, as is Lori. I mean, it's not really our fault, but we are the reason. It's a big burden.

I didn't go to the funeral. I didn't want to face Blake's family, knowing that they might be holding me responsible for his death. Lori did go, although she was uncomfortable with it. She knew Blake's parents pretty well. She told me that they were pretty nice to her and didn't hold her responsible. Blake did suffer from depression, and it was that that was responsible for his death. That brings me some relief, but not enough.

First of all, I knew something was wrong with Blake, but I didn't do enough to try to help. I'm kicking myself for that. Second, I knew that there might be something between him and Lori and I wasn't sensitive to that when I started hanging out with her as much as I did.

I really liked Blake. I thought he was becoming a good friend. But, I guess he didn't feel the same way. Fucking blows. I feel like such an idiot.

## April 1, 1993. Tucson, AZ

I had to get away, and the only place I could think of was Tucson. So, here I am and I am doing what I do best, drinking heavily.

I have spent the last three nights at Dirtbags. Each night, I have had to get a cab back to my hotel. Each morning, I have had to retrieve my rental while being clubbed down by a massive hangover.

I have the remnants of a case of warm beer in my hotel room that I am going through. Will have to get more soon. I am so drunk I can barely walk.

I don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to go back home, but now I feel like I don't want to be here in Tucson. I have nowhere to go other than, perhaps, West Palm.

I haven't talked to anyone in over a week. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want this to stop. I want to go back to feeling good about things and about myself.

I keep asking myself one question. How do you hang yourself in a closet? Is the bar strong enough to hold your weight? It definitely isn't high enough to keep you suspended...so, what do you do? Tie a rope to the bar and just sit down and hope your weight will do the trick? I guess that is the way to do it, but it seems to me that because you have the option to get back on your feet, you would give up on killing yourself when the pain was too great.

So, how did Blake do it? Force of will, I guess. It's hard to comprehend. When I do it, I won't do it that way. I'm going to use pills. Just go to sleep and never wake up.

I wonder if there is an afterlife. Is there really a heaven? Do you go to heaven if you kill yourself? I think I heard once that you do not. But, who among us really knows? What true divine insight does anyone have? It seems to me that God is incomprehensible. Anyone who says otherwise is either a fool or a charlatan.

Blake is gone.

Lori and I have talked at length about it. I admitted to her that I had tried to kill myself once and that I was really close a second time. She had trouble understanding. To her, no matter how bad life is, it always has the potential to be better, and it is worth trying to make it better rather than giving up. It is a good philosophy, but I don't think it is one I share.

In retrospect, I realize now that I was testing things with Lori. I was interested in seeing if something could happen between us. And, I think, Blake could see that and it drove him insane. So, I guess I really am to blame. I don't think he would have done it if I hadn't come along. Well, maybe. I mean, there could have been some other guy that started hanging out with Lori. You never know. But, it was me. I did this.

Another beer. Another beer. More and more until I black out. Then I'll wake up and start again. It seems to be the pattern of my life.

## April 8, 1993, Seattle, WA

Well, I called my doctor back in West Palm and admitted that I had not found a new doctor in Seattle, and that I had been off my medication for some time. I think that really rattled his cage. We talked for a while and then he said he was going to make some calls and find me a new doctor. About and hour after we hung up he called me and gave me a name, Sarah Roberts. I'm going to see her tomorrow.

I don't know how I feel about going to a female doctor. I guess it's okay, but I think I might be uncomfortable. Don't know why. Just know it's bugging me.

What I do know is that while in Tucson, I was on dangerous ground. I don't remember feeling that bad in a long time. I don't know if I would have tried to kill myself though. I mean, I didn't have any pills I could use, so I guess that pretty much ruled it out. Still, I was in a bad place and much worse things than getting way too fucking drunk could have happened. I think I still have a hangover from the experience.

I hung out with Lori yesterday. She is doing okay, but she feels pretty awful about Blake. She told me that the reason she broke up with him was because he was a real downer. She wonders if she could have done more to help. I know the feeling.

Lori gave me a copy of her book yesterday. I'm only thirty pages into it. However, thirty pages is more than enough to see that this is porn. And, it's good porn, not the kind with the bad actors and stupid plots. This is serious stuff. She is a really good writer. I'd be lying if I said the book isn't turning me on. Further, it has made me very attracted to Lori. Anybody who can think this stuff up has to be good in bed.

I'm not going to make a play for Lori though. I've decided it wouldn't be right. I would feel too guilty and that would ruin everything. It is good enough that she is my friend.

Kit returned to the saloon. He had been in the hospital with pneumonia. Said it was pretty bad. The guy isn't healthy, and I get the feeling it is going to be one thing after another with him. Wonder why his miracle drug or whatever it is can't help him. I guess it isn't for pneumonia at least.

It's official. I am going to name the new bar The Lost Retreat. Well, I decided that already, but I just ordered the signs with that name. So there you have it.

Also, Andy and Ivy are a couple now. Not sure why, but good for them. Makes me think about Lori. If we were a couple, we would have Andy and Ivy as a couple to be friends with. Not that it matters all that much. We hang out with them anyway.

My contractor thinks he will be done with the bar in two weeks. That's pretty good, all things considered. I've been visiting the site pretty regularly. It looks great. It is different than Harrigan's. Not as much wood and the walls are lighter. The bar is different too. It is a rectangle in the center of the bar, so more bar space than Harrigan's. There are tables all around on the walls. And, on the walls is an assortment of framed movie posters. Mostly the classics, like _Lawrence of Arabia_ , _The Godfather_ , _Raging Bull_ , and so on, including movies I've never heard of. I found this place in LA that sells them and had them recommend titles.

I don't know why I went with a movie theme. I guess I watch so many movies that it is just stuck in my mind.

Now I have a mission. I am going to watch all of the movies we have posters for.

I'm going out with the gang tonight. Lori has some new bar she wants to show me. I forget what it's called, but she says it's a cool hangout. I'm going to give her some feedback on her book, although I'm not going to tell her it keeps giving me a boner. I figure she knows that already. I wonder if that turns her on. I wonder if she writes in the nude. That would turn me on.

## May 10, 1993. Seattle, WA

The Lost Retreat opens tonight. We had a slight delay waiting for some permit, but that's okay. Everything sorted itself out. I'm pretty psyched. Everyone is going to be there, including Kit. I didn't invite any of the bartenders from the Pioneer Square Saloon. Wasn't sure that would be appropriate. I never told any of them that I was opening this place either.

My dad is here. He wouldn't miss this for anything. He says this is the life I was meant to lead, whatever that means. I guess the bottom line is he is proud of me. I actually did most of the work to get this place running. He helped, of course, but this was my baby.

Harrigan's continues to exceed expectations. It is a really popular spot. It got written up by one of the local mags as the hottest bar in Palm Beach County. That helped business even more. Now we have two bartenders and two waitresses working on busy nights.

We fired Gary. He was stealing. He had the nerve to ask for a reference from Georgia. I guess he wanted pity. He got none. Honestly, I don't know why he was stealing. He was making really good money on his nights. It wasn't riches, but it was good.

I think he has another job somewhere, but can't remember. Hopefully, he won't lose everything because of this. Just needs to learn a lesson. Don't fuck with Georgia. Heh. She is nobody to mess with.

I gave Lori really positive feedback on her book. I said it was really well written and that the characters seemed real. She kissed me. That surprised me quite a bit. I really didn't know that she even thought of me that way. Needless to say, I kissed her back, and now, even though I didn't want to do it, I am getting involved with her.

I took her out to dinner for the first time last night. I would have made her dinner if I had the first clue how to cook, but all I really know how to make is lasagna and chili and I don't do a very good job at that. I told her as much. She laughed and told me she couldn't cook for shit either. It was a nice night. We didn't talk about Blake at all, which was a big relief. I was worried the conversation would go that way. I have enough trouble thinking about it much less talking about it.

After dinner, I took her to my place. I think it surprised her. I don't think she expected me to have such a nice home. We sat around and watched TV, although I didn't pay much attention to it. Eventually, she fell asleep in my arms. I didn't want to wake her so I just sat there. My arm fell asleep, but I didn't mind, and eventually, I nodded off, only to wake when she got up to go to the bathroom. It was four in the morning.

We got in bed and fell asleep in a more proper way. In the morning, I made her frozen waffles, my favorite. We were both in pretty good moods. Talked about the grand opening. Lori is impressed. I don't think anyone has ever been impressed by me, except maybe my dad. It is an amazing feeling.

After breakfast, I drove her home so she could clean up. Not that she needed it. She looked just as good in the morning as she had last night. I remember Nara always looked like absolute shit in the mornings. She cleaned up nice, but was a total dog when she got up.

I'm glad I didn't have sex with Lori last night. It wasn't the right time, and it was good that I had the sense not to try. I think I will wait a bit with her. There is plenty we can do and I'd like to get to know her better.

The Blake thing is still bothering me, but now that I'm on my medicine, I am more able to deal with it. That is a major relief, especially now that I am with Lori. Not feeling the guilt that I thought I would.

Time to head over to The Lost Retreat. My dad is probably already there dealing with things. He had me put in an ad promoting the bar in the paper. Hopefully that will draw some people in. It's a good location, near some other bars and restaurants, so I think there will be people around. Just want them to give us a try.

## May 11, 1993. Seattle, WA

Lori slept over again last night. No sex. But, I held her all night. I was never like that with Nara. With Nara, I always slept facing away. I think this is really something, although I don't know for sure. It's too early. But, I find myself having strong feelings for Lori. She is intelligent, funny, sexy, and seems to be really centered. I think those are necessary traits for anyone I'm going to be with.

The Lost Retreat did pretty well last night. I think word is going to spread and that we are going to have good crowds. I just need to think of promotions and so forth. I'm also thinking of putting a pool table in the back. There is some space there that can be freed up. Not that I want a pool bar, but I think it would add some atmosphere. Lori agrees. She likes to play pool. She also likes to bike, which is great. It is something we can do together.

Lori found my diary sitting on an end table and cracked it open. She didn't read it. She asked me if I liked writing and I told her I liked writing my diary although it was difficult to go back and read what I have written. She keeps a diary too, and agreed that reading it was hard. At least, reading some parts, she said. I know Nara had secretly read my diary at least once. I'm not sure what she thought of it. It never came up.

Lori doesn't know I'm rich. She knows I have money, or else I couldn't have afforded my home or the cost of opening the bars. But, that is the limit of it. If she were to ask, I would have to tell her the truth. I hope she won't ask.

Tonight, Lori will be at the bar. I think Andy and Ivy are coming too. Then tomorrow, the four of us are going out to eat. There is a sushi bar that Andy claims is amazing. I'm not much for sushi. I will eat tuna rolls and that is about it. I'm sure there are other things on the menu I will like though. Lori loves sushi. She also really likes Indian food, though there isn't much of that around here.

My dad is leaving tonight. Just wanted to be here for the opening. He says we did really well and thinks the place is going to be a success. He congratulated me and hugged me for the first time in years. I don't want to get too sentimental, but that meant a lot to me. I've never felt closer to my dad. I just wonder if I'll ever be this close to my mom, or even my brother and sister(she still hasn't called me back in over three weeks).

So, I'm going to take Lori home and then I'm going to my dad's hotel. We're going to have lunch and then go over to the bar to hang out. Our bar manager, Keith, is going to be there.

Keith is twenty-six. Very mature and put together. He is very attractive and has the whitest teeth. I have to admit, I'm a little jealous of him. This is his first job as a manager, but he seems really up for it. My dad says he is the real deal. My dad says that all the time.

Three other bartenders and two waitresses join Keith. A good crew. All are pretty young, which is good. I think it livens the place up. I just hope there is no drama.

After I drop my dad off at the airport, I'm going to come back to the bar. Then I'll hang out with the crew. I'm sure Lori will stay over again tonight. I wonder if I should have her bring a change of clothes. Seems like a good idea. I would tell her to just leave some clothes over at the house, but I wonder if it isn't too soon for that.

Lori lives in a small one-bedroom apartment. It is in a decent neighborhood, but is definitely low rent. She doesn't work. Her parents support her. They want her to focus on her writing. I guess they think she is going to make it. I wonder if they know about the naughty book. What would they think if they read that? I finished it, and I must say that it was a complete boner-fest.

## May 23, 1993. Seattle, WA

Things are good. Lori and I are good. The bar is really doing well. I feel good. All good.

Lori and I spend much of our free time together now, except when she is writing. She usually does that for three or four hours a day. She says that is all she can take of it. I spend maybe thirty minutes writing, and only every now and then. I wonder what it would be like to write every day. Do I have enough to say? Seems like I really don't given that I only write in my diary every couple of weeks or so, sometimes less. But, maybe I should try for a while. See what my thoughts are like for maybe ten straight days. I don't know. Maybe.

Lori sleeps at my place pretty much every night. We still haven't had sex. I'm not sure what the right time is, and I get the feeling she doesn't know either. That's okay. It will happen when it does. When it does, I think it is going to be explosive. Some of our make out sessions are pretty intense. There is a lot of groping and feeling going on.

She has been, as she puts it, cleaning up the dirty book, as I call it. She wants to try to get it published. She says she isn't going to publish it under her own name. Says she wants to save her name for the children's books. I think that makes sense. I wouldn't want my name associated with a porn filled novel about women in extravagant dresses getting boned by stable boys. That wouldn't do at all, now would it?

I have been working on ideas for The Lost Retreat and for Harrigan's. Trying to think of promotions that will bring people in. Not that I need to. Both bars are doing well on their own. Just would be nice to make them known for something other than just being cool places. I have a radio spot going out in West Palm. Basic advertisement. Used a pro voice person. I'm going to do the same here. Probably will use the same person. Great voice. Guy's name is Henry Buck. Kind of funny name, but whatever. He can do all sorts of different voices. He even did the voice of some cartoon character.

We've been doing a lot of biking lately. I'm starting to get in shape. I've probably lost a couple of pounds. Not that I'm fat. I'm not, but I have a little bit of a belly starting. Lori, on the other hand, is in great shape. She bikes a lot. In fact, she rarely uses her car.

We went out to eat last night. Well, we go out almost every night and usually go to lunch too. But, last night we went to this steak house that served the best steaks I've ever had. I ate an entire porterhouse, which isn't really diet conscious, but what the hell. Lori surprised me and ate a huge New York strip. So, after dinner, over dessert, I asked her to move in with me, which was probably totally premature. I feel very strongly for her and I really think this might be it. Anyway, she is moving in tomorrow. She isn't sure what her parents are going to say, but she is twenty-four, so it really is none of their business. She wants me to meet them, of course and I am looking forward to it. Anybody who raised someone as amazing as Lori has to be pretty amazing too.

I'm going out in a few minutes to look for a welcome present for Lori. Nothing big. Just something sweet. I'm trying to think of something to do with writing that she would like, but I'm drawing a blank. Part of me wants to get her a computer she can write on, but that is silly since she is moving and can use my computer. So, what then? I don't know. I also have thought about antique typewriters, but have no clue where to find one. It would be a nice gift. We'll see. I'll poke around in the phone book in a bit and look for places to go.

Lori is writing at her place. I'm going to pick her up around six and we're going to eat and then go to the bar. Andy and Ivy are going to be there.

So, I have exactly seven hours to find a present. That isn't much time. Fingers crossed.

## May 24, 1993. Seattle, WA

I did it. I found an antique typewriter. It is in perfect shape. And, you can still get ribbons for it from some supplier in Kansas. I can't believe that worked out.

I'm going to pick up Lori in an hour and take her to lunch. Then we are going to grab her things(not bringing furniture...it was a furnished apartment) and come here. Then I'm going to give it to her. She's gonna love it. I think I would if I was a writer.

Once Lori is moved in, we are going for a bike ride and then will figure out the rest from there. I don't want to go to the bar tonight. I don't think Lori wants to go there all the time either. Maybe it is a movie night or I could take her out for sushi. I don't know. I'm excited. It feels like things are finally working out for me. I mean, I don't have a bad life, but it has been difficult at times and I've felt pretty hopeless more than a few times. But, now, things are on the right track. I have a girlfriend, my bars are doing well, and my relationship with my father is great. I can't complain about anything. When was the last time I could say that? Never.

Lori could be the one. I said it. I meant it. I love her. I said that too, although I haven't told her yet. Maybe tonight. It seems like a perfect time to drop that bombshell on her. I truly hope she feels the same way. Actually, I am pretty sure she does. But, saying it will make it crystalize. Maybe tonight is the right night to consummate the relationship. Maybe.

Okay, this writing every day thing is not going to be easy. Not enough has happened since yesterday to write about. I could make some shit up, I guess. But, I'm not the creative type, so I guess that's out, and even if I was, being creative seems like something you share, and I'm not sharing this diary. I might with Lori. Maybe.

Here is my attempt at creative writing. Hold on tight.

One day, Charlie the paraplegic got it in his head that he was going to get laid. So, he called an escort service and asked for the most beautiful escort they had. One hour later the girl arrived, and, as promised, she was strikingly beautiful. Not wanting to waste any time, Charlie got himself in bed and instructed the girl to take off her clothes. As horny as that sight made him, he couldn't get an erection. He was distraught. The girl, sensing his pain, approached the bed and took hold of his member. She began caressing it and stroking. Amazingly he got an erection. So, the girl got on the bed and mounted him. After a few minutes of in and out, he exclaimed, "I can't feel anything, dammit!" The girl frowned and said, "Neither can I."

So, that is my joke for the day. I made it up, but I don't know if it makes any sense. Can a paraplegic feel down there? And, you might ask, why couldn't the girl feel it? Well, either Charlie was really small or she was that wide. Sigh. I have to work on it.

Ok. Enough for today. I'll try to write tomorrow.

## May 25, 1993. Seattle, WA

Yes, it is love. Lori feels the same way. I'm speechless.

And we did it. I know that sounds crass, but whatever. Amazing. I could go into details, but that really would be crass. Suffices to say that it happened...three times...and it was spectacular.

Lori and I are going to drive down to Portland today to visit her parents. It's kind of short notice, but she is excited and really wants me to meet them. I'm a little nervous. Hoping they will like me. But I don't see any reason why not. I'm no deadbeat.

I'm going to take Lori to my brother's wedding. That's on the fifth of June. I'm sure my family will love her. If I told my mom about the dirty book she would probably really love Lori. My mom reads that kind of stuff, although I don't think she knows anyone knows she is reading porn.

Lori went to the store this morning and bought some groceries. When she came back she had all the fixings for French toast and bacon. It is the only thing she really knows how to make. Good breakfast. I love French toast.

She is in the shower now. I showered much earlier. Couldn't really sleep last night. I was too amped up.

So, drive to Portland, spend the day there. We'll come back after dinner. Then who knows what?

I have to make this last. I can't fuck it up. There is too much at stake.

Have to take my medicine now. Don't want to forget that. I hope not sleeping last night isn't a sign of problems to come. Lori doesn't know about the bi-polar thing. I have to tell her. Not sure how she'll take it, but I'm not worried. I tell her tomorrow.

## May 26, 1993. Seattle, WA

Lori's parents are great. Period. I don't have much else to say. Just planning the day.

## May 27, 1993. Seattle, WA

Not sleeping. Not sleeping. Not sleeping. Not sleeping. Not sleeping the night away. I keep thinking of Annie and that song. Can't get it out of my head.

Bleh.

Things are good with Lori. We do everything together, except when she is writing. She is still cleaning up the dirty book. She doesn't have a title for it yet and won't say what she is thinking of. I think it should be called "Georgina's Peach." Heh. Georgina is the main character, and she is a real slut. I think she bangs like eight different guys in the book. Maybe more.

Going to the bar tonight. Things there are good. The place is really picking up steam. I wasn't sure how it would do. Happy that it's all working out.

Lori found my Dungeons and Dragons books on the shelf. She had a little laugh, but not in a mean way. Her brother plays the game, but he is fourteen. I'm not ashamed. I get a kick out of it. Just wish I could find people to play with here. People my own age, of course. I'm not going to play with a bunch of teenagers. That would be weird.

My brother's wedding is soon. Pretty excited about it. Well, I'm excited to introduce Lori to my family anyway. I could care less about the wedding. Part of me thinks it won't even happen, given that the happy couple are fighting all the time.

Lori and I haven't fought at all. We haven't even had an uncomfortable moment. Things are running smoothly, although I am bouncing off the walls right now and I can't concentrate. I have to find something to do, but I don't know what to do. I have a million ideas, of course, but none of them stick. Maybe I'll draw some maps or something. Lori says my maps are interesting. Maybe I can get her to play Dungeons and Dragons with me. Except, I don't really know how to be the Dungeon Master.

I could ride my bike, or go buy something. Buying something is appealing, but I don't know what I would buy. Maybe I could buy Lori a car to replace that beater she has. Or buy her a necklace or something. I don't know. Frustrating.

Lori has noticed that I am a little off. I haven't told her why yet. I'm not sure if this is the right time for it. I don't know what she'll say. She knows about the suicide attempt, so she knows something isn't right with me. And, she got into a relationship with me despite that, so I guess telling her isn't necessarily a bad thing.

So, back to buying things, since that is really on my mind right now. Things I want to buy:

1. New Computer. Not just for me but for Lori too. Mine is kinda old.

2. New car for Lori. Whatever she wants.

3. A camera. Something really good. I want nice pictures of Lori and me to hang up.

4. A printer for the new computer. Lori needs to be able to print things out.

5. A better stereo. Much better.

6. Pay for a contractor to come in and embed speakers into the back of the family room, thus giving me total immersion.

7. A wok. Don't know why I want one, but I do.

8. More books. I don't read enough, but if I have them maybe I will.

9. I've been wanting a new watch. The one I have is really nice, but it isn't sporty enough.

10. An ice cream maker. Love ice cream. Love the idea of making it myself even more.

11. A new refrigerator. The one I have is nice, but not nice enough.

12. A new mattress. Again, what I have is nice, but I can do better.

13. Paintings. Since I gave the others to Nara, I need new ones. Not sure if I'm going to go for the abstract stuff though. We'll see.

14. I think I want a dog and a cat, preferably purebreds. Maybe a Labrador and a Russian Blue. My parents have a Russian Blue named Pinky. Not sure why they named her that.

15. Maybe some rugs for the floors. Everything now is just wood and that gets a little cold on the feet.

16. I'm running out of steam here, but I know there's more.

So, maybe in the next day or two, Lori and I can do some shopping. Something to do and I think she would really appreciate the new car, if she isn't uncomfortable accepting it. I mean, we haven't been together that long, but I think we're close enough for me to give her a car, right? Of course. So, a car it is. And, maybe a watch for her too. She doesn't wear a watch. Actually, she really doesn't wear jewelry. We'll have to fix that.

Ok. Off to the races. I'm going to see if Lori wants to grab a bite to eat. Then I'll mention the shopping. Maybe later I'll tell her I'm bipolar. Maybe. We'll see how lunch goes first.

## May 28, 1993. Seattle, WA

Lori and I did a little shopping, and we managed to knock a number of things off my list, including a new car for her, a Jeep of all things. It was pretty tough to get her to accept that present, but in the end I won. Now she has a yellow Jeep Wrangler. Yellow isn't exactly my color, but if she likes it that's fine with me.

We also bought watches, which are nice but not overly expensive.

Lori was a little taken off guard by my spending spree. She still doesn't know about the lottery money. I'll tell her eventually. I reassured her it was okay and that I had money to burn. I wasn't spending everything I have. That relaxed her a little bit.

The thing is, I need these things, and nothing is going to stop me from buying them. All told, the price tag will be high, but not so high that I am concerned. If I was spending fifty grand or so, I might be a little concerned that I was going out of control. But, I'm not, so there is nothing to worry about. Everything is fine...for now.

I thought of another thing for my list. New clothes. The stuff I have now doesn't totally fit in around here. It's not preppy, but it's not casual enough. No rush. Just want to fit in better. Lori could use some new clothes too. She doesn't look bad, but she doesn't have much of a wardrobe, which surprises me. Nara used to take up most of the two closets in our bedroom.

I'm going to stop by the bar for about an hour tonight. Not taking Lori. She is in the middle of a marathon writing session today. She's already been at it for like five hours and says she will be working for quite a while longer. I guess it comes in bursts for her.

I called a stereo shop today. They're going to come out to the house tomorrow and evaluate things. I guess they will recommend the right gear.

I also looked around for rug stores and found a few. I want Persian rugs, I think. That is what my parents have and they are really nice. I think it would fit with my furniture. I don't know. I guess I'll see what Lori says. She might know better than me.

Oh, and I found a computer store. We're going there tomorrow. Time for the upgrade. Maybe it will run some cool games. I'm not normally that into games, but lately, I have been wanting to play.

Talked to my dad. Things are great. He has been checking in at Harrigan's for me. Georgia has everything under control. We put in place a bonus system for the bartenders, so they get a piece of the profits. Everyone loves that. Georgia told me over the phone that she has never been offered a bonus before. Seems odd to me that she wouldn't have. After all, bartenders can be a big part of the draw at a bar. Personality makes a big difference.

Keith, The Lost Retreat's manager, is full of personality. He has women hitting on him all the time. I suspect he takes some of them home sometimes. I guess, if you've got it, use it. He has a lot going on. I'm still jealous of him.

Thought about Blake today. I guess I'm not blaming myself anymore. He was sick. Clearly he was sick, and that sickness played into his decision to end it all. Obviously, I can relate to this. And, I am even sadder because I can relate to it. Lori is too, although we don't talk about it.

I've been listening to Nirvana a lot lately. I didn't really like them at first, but I came around. There is something about Kurt Cobain's voice that gets me in the boo boo. That reminds me. Another item for the list. I need CD's. I don't listen to much music, but I like it. Maybe I would if I had more music to listen to. Right now all I really listen to are my Rush albums and Nirvana. All the other stuff is crap I got that Nara left behind. Nothing I like.

I know what I can do. I can take guitar lessons. I didn't buy the damned things for nothing. Learn a few songs, serenade Lori, make an ass out of myself. Sounds like fun. Okay, tomorrow find a guitar teacher. Now that's on the list.

Lots to do. Places to go. Tons of energy. Chance of sleep tonight...zero.

## May 29, 1993. Seattle, WA

Okay. I don't know what I ordered, but based on what the stereo guys say, and based on how much it's going to cost, it is one badass stereo. It's got so many watts and the cd player is some special thing. I also got a turntable and a cassette player. Maybe I can order some vinyl from Jay.

Speaking of Jay. He broke up with Tamara. He said he felt like she was using him. I liked Tamara. Never noticed anything strange with her, but if Jay says she's bad news, she's bad news. I wonder how long it will take Jay to find a new girlfriend. Probably not long. He is actually pretty suave in his own Jay way.

He's going to come out here next month if he can break away from work. He still only has one guy working for him. And his business is doing great. He has done all sorts of national advertising and has created a catalogue that he mails out.

I can't believe he broke up with Tamara. I thought he was going to marry her. But, maybe Jay won't get married at all.

I didn't sleep last night. Well, I haven't slept the last few nights. I lay down and sometimes I nod off, but it never lasts, so I get up and watch TV. Lori says it's really unhealthy. I'd try my sleeping pills, but I know they won't work when I'm like this. So, I have to wait it out. Eventually, I will crash. It's just that it usually doesn't last this long.

I stopped by the bar last night and had a couple of beers. Everything was all right. Crowded. Just the way I like it. Keith said he has to go to New Mexico next week to help his brother move. I said fine. We have people who can cover. If I was desperate to have him at the bar I might have offered to pay for movers. Any excuse to spend money, Harrigan.

Lori and I are about to go out. Going to get a new computer and rugs. Lori has some ideas for the rugs. She also asked if we can get Microsoft Word. I don't know what that is, other than it is something for writing. I don't use the computer for much other than games. So, we'll get Word. Maybe I'll find a good game. There is this flight simulator. I think it is actually called Flight Simulator. That could be pretty cool. I figure you need a good graphics card for it, so I will make sure whatever computer I get is loaded. I heard there is a new processor coming out, or it's already out. Supposed to be super fast. I think it is called a Pentium, but I could be wrong. Whatever the case, that is what I want.

After shopping, we're going to take a bike ride. I'm feeling more fit lately, although it might just be my imagination. Whatever. Take a bike ride, come home, eat frozen waffles, relax, have sex with Lori, break something(kidding), and find something to do.

## May 30, 1993. Seattle, WA

So, it's a Pentium processor with tons of RAM and disk space. I also got a copy of Flight Simulator, which is really cool, although I suck at it. The guy at the store said I needed to get a controller for it if I was really going to play. He didn't have any. So, I'm on the keyboard. We also got Microsoft Word. Lori is thrilled. And a printer.

We also bought two rugs. One for the family room and one for the bedroom. Lori picked them out. I really couldn't tell what would work. Those get delivered tomorrow.

Talked to my dad today. He says it would be a good idea if I learn how to do the books for Harrigan's and The Lost Retreat. He can teach me how. He has been doing them up until now, and I suppose I should feel a little bad about that since he isn't getting paid. I had offered him a share of the profits since he had been a big part of opening the bars, but he refused. He makes so much money it doesn't matter. But, it's the thought that counts in this case.

So, when I go to West Palm, he is going to walk me through things. He is also going to help me figure out the taxes, which he has done so far. Honestly, I'm not looking forward to it, but it really is my responsibility.

Big news. My brother called off the wedding. He said it just wasn't going to work. So, in short, he is picking his career over his fiancé. Former fiancé. I guess he deserves a big pat on the back, or maybe a kick in the ass. She was a good one. He'll be hard pressed to find another girl who is as good. Yeah, she was bitching and moaning about his long hours, but really, how much should a person work? I guess it's easy for me to say that. I hardly work at all. But, if I did work, I wouldn't sacrifice a relationship for my job. Well, not if it was a good relationship.

My mother has been in tears. My dad is more circumspect. I think that is the right word. Actually, maybe not. Anyway, nothing phases him. He probably can relate to my brother. When I was a kid, we hardly ever saw my father. He worked non-stop. These days he's eased back. I think he is going to retire soon. At least, that is what my brother says.

My sister, God bless her, finally called me after a long period of silence. She is doing well in school. She has good friends. She is happy. I didn't ask if she has a girlfriend yet. Not the right time.

Lori is going to town on this Word program. She is typing away right now like a mad woman. She has started a new book, a sequel to the dirty book. She's not even done with the dirty book though. I thought she still had to clean it up. Whatever. I'm sure this one will be just as dirty as the first. I asked her if she was thinking of publishing the first one and she said she would send it out soon. She has some book that has all of the major publishers in it. I guess she is going to pick out a few and send the book to them. I guess they will have to be publishers who deal in smut, because that is what that book is. She also has picked out a pseudonym. Traci Blake. I was surprised that she would use Blake. Actually, it's kind of weird. But, whatever. Her choice, not mine.

I want my turn on the computer. There is a flight sim calling my name. Maybe I should have bought two computers. His and hers. Maybe a bit excessive. Anyway, there is nowhere to put another one.

Sigh. Can't wait for the new stereo. Won't get that until we get back.

Accounting. I don't know if I hate that more than lawyers, but it's damned close. I just hope it isn't difficult. I don't even balance my checking account. How the hell am I going to do it for two businesses?

## June 4, 1993. West Palm Beach, FL

Still no wedding. Half of me thought my brother would relent. But, no. He has his career to think about. Hope that makes him happy.

My dad showed me how to deal with the accounting for the bars and it's actually pretty easy. So, I'm taking it over. He also explained the taxes, but said we would go over it again together when it was time to file.

He is still going to Harrigan's every now and then to check in on things. I appreciate that a lot. I probably need to come to Florida more often and check in on things myself.

I've come down from my little high. Sleeping like a baby. Maybe too much. I'll take what I can get. Lori is relieved. She was worried about me. So, I told her about the bi-polar thing. Her first question was, "Are you taking medicine?" My answer was "Yes, but I don't always take it." Her response was, "If you are going to be with me you have to take your medicine." Lori's uncle is bipolar and he goes on and off his medicine. He has done some pretty fucked up things while off his medicine. So, Lori now knows and she doesn't want me to do fucked up things. I promised to take my medicine. The only problem is I don't always like taking it. I think it takes off my edge sometimes and I like it when I have that edge.

Lori and I are meeting Jay at Harrigan's tonight. Jay told me that he goes there pretty often, which is nice to hear. I'd hate to think he thought it was lame. We're going to have a few drinks and then go over to Jay's house for more drinks. Should be a late night.

I told Jay I'm going to take guitar lessons and he said, "You know, if you want an easier instrument to learn, you might try bass." Why didn't he tell me that when I bought the guitars? Anyway, he is going to take me to a music shop tomorrow to look at basses. He says I want something called a Rickenbacker. Says its a great bass, easy to play. And, it looks wicked cool. He says I can buy it here and he will ship it to me. I'll also need a bass amp. Apparently, my guitar amp can't handle a bass.

So, bass it is. It's really better, overall. I'm always amazed by Geddy Lee's playing when I listen to my Rush albums. If there is someone I want to play like it is him. The first song I want to learn is _New World Man_ off of _Signals_. I love that song. Then I want to learn _YYZ_ off _Moving Pictures_. Something tells me it isn't going to be easy to learn those songs.

Lori met my parents and my brother. My sister didn't come down since there won't be a wedding. It went well. I think my mother was impressed with Lori. She really likes it that Lori is a writer. There was no mention of the dirty book, although my mom would probably want to read it.

Family dinner last night was somber. My brother was in a foul mood and my parents really didn't do much to try to cheer him up. All my dad would say was, "Maybe it's for the best," meaning he didn't really approve of my brother's decision but was going to accept it. My mom didn't say one word about the wedding. Lori didn't know what to say. At least my parents liked Lori and had a good conversation with her.

Georgia was mugged last night leaving the bar. Roscoe, the other bartender had to leave early, so she was alone. She wasn't hurt, but it shook her up pretty good. She lost all her tips. So, we're going to compensate her for the loss. I figure I'll double what she made in tips. It's not a fortune, but it will soften the blow. The police think they know who did it based on Georgia's description, a white guy, thirties, big wart on his nose, greasy brown hair, wearing a trench coat. Who the hell wears a trench coat in South Florida? If they catch him the penalty might not be that big, since he didn't have a weapon. I would have figured Georgia could have taken him, but I guess it is best to be safe. Anyway, I feel bad for her. I'm sure it is going to make her more cautious. Maybe she'll get a gun. I wouldn't want to be facing down the barrel of a weapon she was holding.

Drama, drama everywhere. Next Keith will call me and say he has had a nervous breakdown and can't work anymore. Right. Guys like that don't have nervous breakdowns. All they have is lots and lots of sex.

## June 20, 1993. Seattle, WA

I had my first bass lesson today. This is going to be difficult. I don't know what Jay was thinking telling me bass was easy. I have to stretch my left hand into unnatural positions. I can't get the rhythm with my right hand. All I learned was a quick blues bass line, and I can barely play that. I asked my teacher, Randy, "So, how long do you think it will take before I can play some Rush songs?" He laughed and said, "Quite a while." Just that. Way to give a guy some hope. I'm going to stick with it because I really want to be able to play Rush songs, but it is going to be a major struggle. I don't get why we just can't start with the Rush songs. Yeah, I'd have to go slow, but at least I'd be learning them. Whatever. Randy is the teacher.

Randy is in some grunge rock band. I've never seen them, but I've heard of them. I told him I liked Nirvana and he said, "Get in line." I guess everyone likes Nirvana. I'm going to see one of his shows though I forget where he is playing.

The new stereo was installed yesterday. Holy fucking crap. I mean, absolutely amazing. The first song I played was _YYZ_. Heh. The whole house was shaking. Lori nicely said she hoped I wouldn't play the stereo that loud all the time. I agreed to play it that loud only on special occasions. I didn't define special occasions.

Lori is typing away on the computer. She is on it all the time. I can't get in any playing time, but that's okay. I know writing makes her happy. Well, sometimes it pisses her off too. Occasionally she will scream when she gets frustrated. It's kinda cute. She should scream like that in bed. Heh. She is back to cleaning up the dirty book. She set a goal for herself. She is going to have it done in a week, and then she is going to send it off. I know how much this means to her, and I really hope she gets it published.

She also wants to get the children's books published, but doesn't have time for them right now. There are three. The only title I know is _Pokey the Beaver and the Very Happy Ending_. Now, to me, that seems like a very dirty title for a children's book, but that is just me. I'm sure kids won't see it that way. Anyway, I read it, and think it is pretty good as far as children's books go. Good illustrations and the story is pretty solid. It's just the title. I keep meaning to bring it up with Lori, but always forget.

So, next week and she sends off her smut. She has already picked the publishing houses she will send it to. I think she is nervous about it, although she hasn't said so. I guess I would be nervous, sending out my creative work to be critiqued. What if they don't like it? I think that will kill Lori. So, here's to hoping it all works out.

Jay was planning on coming out, but he lost his one employee. The guy was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon. I don't know if he is in jail, but I know he isn't working for Jay anymore. So, Jay has to find a new employee and then maybe he can come out after he trains them.

I still don't understand why he won't hire a couple of people so that he can break away. Stubborn, that Jay. Maybe he has control issues, although I never noticed it. Whatever the case, he isn't coming.

I'm going to have to do the accounting work for the bars at the end of the month. I'm not worried about it. It will be good, actually. The bars are doing really well. Better than I could have hoped for. My dad thinks their net profit after taxes will be "significant" for each bar. You don't make a fortune running a bar, but you can make good money. After taxes, and spending money on bar for improvements, payroll and bonuses for the bartenders, rent, and other costs, I get what's left. Not sure what that will be yet, but it will be good. Even though I am doing well with my investments, I do spend money. This will make sure I'm not going in the red.

Lori and I are going to go to Bermuda next month. I've never been there but she has. It's a tiny place, but she says it is really nice. Should be good weather this time of year. We're staying at some nice hotel on the north side of the island. Lori says you get around on scooters, which sounds cool, although you drive on the opposite side of the street, which I will not like at all.

So, we'll go there for a week and then come back here and continue our happy little life. And happy we are. No bickering, no uncomfortable silences. Things are really good. It's almost too good to be true. I sincerely hope I don't fuck this up. I don't think I've ever been really good in relationships. But, this seems to be different. Lori seems to be happy. So happy at times, she breaks into song. She has a really nice voice. Mine? Not so good.

## July 1, 1993. Seattle, WA

I did the books for the bars, and I'm glad I did. We have been doing really well. Based on my math we must be getting over one hundred customers a day in each bar. And they are really putting down the drinks. Last night at The Lost Retreat we did over two thousand dollars. That's a weekday. Amazing. I don't know what to attribute our success to, but we are doing something right. I'm wondering if I should open another bar somewhere. Maybe.

I went to the bookstore the other day while Lori was writing and I found a book on programming. I don't know why I bought it, but I did and I've already written some small programs. Mostly things that print out patterns of letters and numbers on the screen, but pretty cool nonetheless. I think I could really get into this. Later in the book there is an adventure game you write. I'm not ready for that yet, but give it a month and I will be. Well, that is if I can get time on the computer. Lori is all over it.

Lori finished the book and is sending it out. She doesn't think she'll hear anything for a while. It takes time. She is back on the sequel to the dirty book and is making headway. Figures she'll be done in a few months. I didn't realize it took that long to write a book. Lori says some authors can take years. That's just insane.

My brother has a new girlfriend. That was quick. Let's see how long it takes before he asks her to marry him. I'm betting it will be this year. I wonder what the ex is thinking, if she even knows.

My sister came out of the closet, although she hasn't told my parents. She wanted to know what I thought they'd do if she told them. I'm not sure. On the one hand, they believe being gay is a sin. On the other, she is their daughter. I think they will accept it in the end. So, maybe I should tell her to let them know. But, then, if they cut her off or something, won't it be my fault? Painful. I think she should just tell them. Part of me thinks they know already.

She hasn't told my brother. He too thinks it is a sin. He is a good Catholic boy. Always goes to church. Confesses his sins. I wonder if he confessed jumping into a relationship less than a month after breaking it off with his fiancé. Probably not. Actually, I wonder if he had this girl waiting in the wings or if he had been cheating with her. Funny. That wouldn't surprise me. Maybe he's not such a good Catholic after all.

I'm going to the bar tonight. I think Lori is going to go if she isn't writing. We're going to have an Independence Day party on the fourth. I bought a bunch of decorations that I'll hang that day. One of the things I bought is a large flag. It's huge. I'm going to hang it on the back wall. Patriotic am I, and why wouldn't I be? This is a great country. I don't think I could have this life anywhere else on Earth.

Next week is Bermuda. Lori is pretty excited. She hasn't been on a real vacation in years. She already has things planned out, which is great because I don't have the faintest idea what to do there. She said the beaches are really beautiful and that there are places to shop. There are also some caves you can visit. I don't know what else. Should be fun.

I'm glad I asked her where she wanted to go rather than picking a place and surprising her. This is her trip. Might as well be to a place she really wants to visit.

Lori just screamed. It really turns me on. Maybe I'll try to lure her into the bedroom, or maybe just do it out here on the floor. I think she'd be fine with either one.

Okay. Running out of steam. These journal entries seem to be getting harder to write. I always do better when I'm off my medicine. And, I'm not off my medicine. That is strictly forbidden, and I am honoring my promise. I mean, maybe I could go off for a week or so just to get a little kick, but no more than that. I would hate to think what Lori would do if she caught me.

## July 8, 1993. Bermuda

Bermuda is a nice place, but more than a bit boring. Our hotel is great though. They have a really nice restaurant and a pretty decent bar. The bartender, Henry, is a riot. He has asked me several times when I plan on getting married. Lori hasn't been around when he's asked that. Thing is, I have been thinking about asking Lori to marry me, but I think it's too soon. I'm not even sure she would say yes. We've never talked about it, which makes me think she thinks it's too soon.

We've been running around on scooters, which isn't bad. I'm used to it now, although the scooters aren't very fast and I'm a little uncomfortable when cars pass us.

We went to the Crystal and Fantasy Caves. That was pretty cool. I've never been in a cave before. We also went to an aquarium and zoo. Nice, but small. I'm not much for that sort of thing though. Then there was this lighthouse that had really great views. That I liked.

And then there was the shopping. Jewelry shopping. Lori didn't want to go into the jewelry store, but I twisted her arm. I ended up buying her a nice bracelet. She gets really uncomfortable when I buy her things. I wonder why that is? It's a gift. You should be happy to receive gifts. Anyway, it's not like I can't afford it. Maybe she feels bad because she doesn't have any money of her own and I am always buying everything. Whatever the case, she shouldn't feel bad. We're a couple. My money is her money as far as I'm concerned. It was that way with Nara, after all.

We're going to spend the day hanging out on the beach today. This is fine with me. While the sights on the island are somewhat interesting, it gets boring. There is only so much I want to do when I'm on vacation. I like chilling out and doing nothing but thinking my thoughts. For whatever reason, that doesn't bore me.

There is also some dolphin place on the island where you can feed them and stuff. We'll probably do that tomorrow. Actually sounds fun.

So, maybe I'll correct myself. This place isn't totally boring. It is a little, but there are things to do and the hotel is great. Lori is loving it, so that's good. She is like a little schoolgirl at an amusement park.

Time to put on my bathing suit and sunscreen. I get terrible burns. But the lounge chairs on the beach have umbrellas, so I should be fine. Lori doesn't burn. She turns brown. She's lucky that way, but then, I'm Irish...not really a sun person.

## July 29, 1993. Seattle, WA

Last night Lori and I got wasted with Andy and Ivy. It started innocently enough. We were having a fun conversation and it kept going on and we kept drinking and then I think we all realized we were pretty drunk. That's when we started doing shots. I don't know how many we had. The conversation got crazier and crazier and one thing led to another and we got on the subject of marriage. That's when Ivy and Andy announced that they were never getting married. They didn't believe in marriage. Then I got the shocker. Lori agreed with them. She said marriage was overrated. I didn't chime in. Felt pretty let down, although I don't know why. Honestly, I'm not even sure I believe in marriage. It didn't work out the first time. But, still, I felt let down. I think Lori could see it on my face.

She hasn't said anything about it today. Maybe she doesn't remember saying it. Maybe she didn't mean it. I say all sorts of crazy shit when I'm drunk. Doesn't mean I mean it.

I might ask her about it today. See what she thinks. I mean, I was really thinking about marrying her. Not right now, but in the future. Does she think I'm not the right guy for her? Is this just a temporary thing? I don't know. It bothers me. It really bothers me.

So, I don't know what to say to her today. I'm not really saying much. I'm not being a dick though. Just quiet.

I didn't take my medicine last night. Totally forgot. I don't know if I'll take it tonight. We'll see how it goes. I could use a little jolt right about now.

## July 30, 1993. Seattle, WA

"Did you mean it when you said you didn't want to get married?" I said.

"I knew that was bothering you," she said.

"Well, kind of. Is it true or were you just drunk?" I said.

"Look. My parents are miserable. They are a nightmare to be around," she said.

"They seemed happy to me," I said.

"They put on a good show when guests are around, but believe me, they live in absolute hell," she said.

"But that's just them, and I don't see how marriage has anything to do with it," I said.

"I don't know. I think when you get married you get trapped together and that it poisons things," she said.

"So, you don't want to get married then," I said.

"I don't know. Why should it matter?" she said.

"I don't know. I guess I thought that eventually we would get married. We're really happy and things are going well. I just thought if things continue like this it would be the next step," I said.

"Mark, I love you. I really do. And, I love being with you. I'm just not sure marriage is the right answer for us," she said.

That was the conversation. I regret having it now. I think I came off as an idiot. I don't know. Maybe she's right. Do we really need to get married? Can't we be happy the way we are? It's just that it seems like a lack of commitment. Like, maybe I'm really not the one. It's really bugging me, but I'm trying to stay calm and not say anything more stupid than I've already said.

I didn't take my medicine last night, and I'm not going to take it tonight.

## August 29, 1993. Seattle, WA

Haven't wanted to write in a while, but today I'm in a better place, so I'll jot down a few things.

I realized that if I was dead set on marriage, I would have to let Lori go. But, I'm really happy with Lori and I'd much rather be with her than be married. I guess it took me a while to come around. It still bothers me, but not nearly as much as it did. Part of me thinks I'll be able to convince her in the future. You never know. But, if I can't then I'll just live with it. I think my parents will be okay with it. It's a sin, after all, but I've been sinning my whole life and they haven't disowned me.

I've been pretty quiet over the last month. I really didn't know what to say, and I was hurt. Lori didn't give me shit for it. Actually, she did her best to cheer me up, which I appreciate. I think she wants this to work as much as I do. Just no marriage.

I haven't been taking my medicine. Lori hasn't noticed. She usually goes to bed before I do, so she has no clue that I'm not taking it. She hasn't even asked about it, which is good.

So, things are better now. I am out of my funk and being the loving boyfriend I was meant to be. Lori is pleased. We're having sex more often.

Despite that, or maybe because of it, I am not going to take my medicine. I'm feeling good and I don't need to be taking it. I figure it is good for emergencies. Of course, I'm not going to tell my doctor. She will just tell me what I've been told before. The drugs are needed to keep me stable. Well, a little instability seems not so bad if I am in a good place. Plus, I don't like how the medicine makes me feel. It's hard to describe. Maybe its that it makes me feel flat. Boring. I don't know really. Just not going to take it.

Lori and I are going to go to her parents tomorrow. It will be weird to visit them now that I know that they are basically putting on a show when we are there. I wonder what they are like when they are by themselves. According to Lori, it isn't a good scene. So, why do they stay together if it is so bad? They seem to have money and probably could survive if they split up. Maybe it's more than that. Maybe they are dependent on each other in some way.

If Lori and I ever go south, I'm going to break it off immediately. Well, honestly, I'll try for a while before doing that, but I won't let it go on for long. There is no good reason to be miserable. But, Lori and I are good. I don't see problems on the horizon. Sure, the marriage thing was a blow, but it really was a small thing overall. Things like lying and cheating are what I worry about. Nara lied and cheated. She did it with such skill too. I never would have known if she hadn't told me, which begs the question, why did she tell me? She had to have known I would break things off. So, was that her way of breaking up with me? I don't think I'll ever know. Still, it bothers me. I thought I treated her well. I saved her from a really bad life and gave her basically anything she wanted. I think I showed her love, although I know at first I had reservations. I'm sure she knew that. Maybe I never really gave myself to her. Maybe she knew that and looked for love elsewhere. That seems possible. I guess I am still hurt. I'll never let something like that happen again.

I'm trying to figure out what to do today. Lori is on one of her writing marathons. She has been at it for four hours now and it is only ten o'clock. She's heard nothing from any of the publishers she sent the dirty book to. Said it will take a while. I'd be pretty nervous if I was her. The thought of having someone decide whether or not something I created was good or not makes me more than a little uncomfortable.

I'd turn on the stereo, but that will bother Lori, so I am in our bedroom with the TV on. There is nothing on, as usual. Just garbage. I have one of the movie channels on, but it's a movie I've already seen a thousand times.

I get so bored. I wish I could play Dungeons and Dragons with some people. I still haven't found a group. Maybe I'll put an ad in the paper.

Ho hum, rub your bum. Maybe I'll go for a bike ride.

## September 28, 1993. Tucson, AZ

The dirty book is going to get published. I forget who is publishing it. My memory is just shit. Lori is positively beaming. I guess this is everything she could have hoped for.

She is going to change her pseudonym to Carol Oakley. I think it should be something like Titties Galore or Orla Fixation.

The book is going to have to be edited, apparently. They want to clean it up and make some changes, I guess. Lori doesn't mind.

It's not clear how much money she can make on the book yet. I guess if it sold a million copies she'd be doing really well. But, I don't know. Neither does Lori.

Lori told me that the book is part of a series. She is working on the second one now. She is planning on a seven part series and has already outlined all of the books. I'm wondering how many new and interesting ways she will be able to have her characters engage in sexual misconduct. She is pretty creative, as attested to by her performance in bed. So, I'm thinking it will be interesting.

We're in Tucson. I wanted to show Lori around and take her to Dirtbags and the Shelter. She thinks it's funny that the highlights of the tour for me are two bars. What can I say? I like bars, and I really like Dirtbags and The Shelter. We're going to do other things, of course. We're going to walk through the trails in the mountains. We're going to visit the airplane graveyard. I think we'll get in some shopping. Only here for three days, though, so I'm not sure what we will be able to fit in.

I'm feeling pretty good right now. Actually, very good. It's nice to have something to do for once. Thinking Lori and I should take more trips. Was thinking about Disney World or Disney Land. I've been to both, but Lori hasn't been to either. I know it is kind of a kid thing, but big kids can have fun too, right?

Then there is Washington DC and all the museums. That could be fun, although I'm not generally one for museums. Still, I've never been to the capital. Lori has and she says that the Air and Space Museum is really cool. I'm surprised she is into airplanes. When I told her about the place here she was really excited.

Lots of places to see. We're definitely going to do more together.

I didn't sleep last night. I figure I was excited to be here. Can't wait to head over to Dirtbags. I think Lori will understand why I like it so much.

Still off my meds and there have been no signs of trouble. Saw my doctor the other day and told her everything was going well. She said I should keep a journal. I didn't tell her about this diary. I figured she would want me to read parts of it to her or to read it herself. That won't do.

Lori is taking a nap right now. She hasn't been feeling that great lately. I told her to go to a doctor, but she said it wasn't necessary. Just a bug, according to her. I'm hoping I don't get it. Nothing worse than drinking when you're sick.

## October 16, 1993. Seattle, WA

I'm bored. Fidgety. Need something to do. It's four o'clock and all I've done is watch TV. Lori is writing, as usual. She has been at it for a good six hours now. Normally, she doesn't go this long. She burns out usually after three or four hours. I burn out after a half an hour. Honestly, there isn't all that much to write about.

My sister came out of the closet at school and to my parents. She made a big deal out of it. Had a party. I don't know what would possess her to have a party. Big deal, you're gay. Does anybody really care? If my parents do, they haven't said anything about it. I guess that's between them and my sister. I don't know if any of her friends care. I'm sure they already knew. I knew and I'm not all that observant. So, now that she's out, what's next? Does she walk hand in hand with her girlfriend? Do they kiss in public? Does she even have a girlfriend? I don't know these things and I guess I'm okay with that. I just don't get the whole "Hey, I'm gay! Come to my coming out party" thing. Should I have a party for being straight? I guess it might be interesting if I only invited women.

Speaking of women, I was at the bar the other night throwing back a few beers. Lori stayed home. She hasn't been feeling well. Anyway, I'm at the bar and this girl, I forget her name now, came up to me and just started talking. For the life of me, I don't know what she was saying. I was pretty hammered. So, she is chatting me up and I guess I was able to hold some level of conversation. After about an hour, she gave me her number and left.

Now, here is the shitty thing. I kept her number. More to the point, I am keeping her number. I have thought about throwing it out, but each time I do, I never make it to the trashcan. It's like Bilbo's ring. You just can't let it go. I just wish I could remember her name. She didn't write it on the piece of paper. I know Lori would be more than a little unhappy if she found it, and I would hate to have to lie about it, so I have it hidden here in my diary. I'm almost certain that Lori never touches it. Not her style.

I don't even know what I would say if I called this girl. "Hey, it's me, Mark Harrigan. We were talking the other night and you gave me your phone number and uh, well, what's up?" Something like that. I'm not terribly smooth around the ladies. Hell, I'm not smooth, period.

So, what would I say? Why am I keeping her number? Is it an ego thing? Hey, look at me, I can still get chicks! It's not like I have anything to prove. I'm in my twenties. I am not ugly. I don't have VD. So, it should be no big surprise that I can still get a girl here and there. Then why is this somehow important to me? It is important to me. What did she look like? Maybe I should go to the bar tonight and see if she is there. Lori is sick, so she won't want to go. What the hell am I thinking right now? Am I seriously considering cheating on Lori? I am. I don't know why. I have to throw out the number and forget about it. This is insanity.

Changing the subject. Lori's book is going to be published in March if all goes well. Despite the fact that it is a dirty...I mean very dirty book, I told my mother about it. I figure she's going to read it. She was impressed. I mentioned that it was a romantic novel, which is code for smut. Didn't phase my mom. I didn't tell my dad about it. I figure my mom can tell him if she wants to.

My brother told me he is going to marry his new girlfriend. He hasn't told my parents yet, and he hasn't popped the question. I'm wondering if he wanted to see what my reaction would be. My response to him was, "Whatever floats your boat." Maybe not the response he wanted, but I liked his other girlfriend and I think it's pretty shitty that he chose his job over her. I guess the new girl doesn't mind that he works eighty-hour weeks.

I still can't get over my sister throwing a coming out party. I wish I could have been there.

## October 17, 1993. Seattle, WA

Her name is Pamela, not Pam. Yes, I went to the bar last night. Alone. She is twenty-six and is a complete knockout. Of course, I didn't recognize her until she came up to me. Then I had to awkwardly ask her what her name was. Pamela. Not Pam. I'll have to remember that.

We talked for a while and I told her that I had a girlfriend. She asked me if it was serious and I said, and I quote, "Well, I don't think we're going to get married." It was an honestly dishonest answer. I should be ashamed.

We talked late into the night. Eventually, Lori called and I left. Pamela offered her number again, but I said I already had it. She told me to use it. Like a jackass, I said I would. It was the perfect opportunity to do the right thing and I fucked it up completely. Now, I feel obligated to call her, and I know if I do that, it is going to lead to even worse behavior.

I think I might be climbing up the ladder right now. Not sleeping and I am feeling a little too giddy for comfort. Maybe I should take my meds. Maybe that will sew some balls back on me so I can tell Pamela to shove off. What is she doing trying to hook up with a guy who is basically married anyway? That's what she's doing, isn't it? Seems like it.

I shouldn't have gone looking for trouble, but I did, knowing full well that I was committing an unfaithful act. But, I haven't slept with Pamela, so, it's not too late to stop this. I just won't call her. And, if I see her again, I will tell her that I'm not looking for someone other than Lori. That's what I'll do. Just as soon as I get that new set of balls.

November 30, 1993. Seattle, WA

Well, I slept with Pam—Pamela. Actually, what I did was fuck her in the back of her station wagon. That was a week ago. After that, Lori and I went to Florida for Thanksgiving with my parents.

I can't describe my guilt and shame. What kills me is that I just couldn't stop myself. I was riding high and feeling almighty and in that state it seemed like a wild thing to do.

I've talked to Pamela twice since that night. Once on Thanksgiving day and then again about five minutes ago.

Pamela says we're just having fun. I shouldn't worry about it. It's not like she is trying to steal me away from Lori. Says, I should just relax and enjoy things.

I'm deeply suspicious of that. I don't know a single girl that is just looking to have some fun. There is always an ulterior motive. But, what is Pamela's?

She knows I own the bar, and therefore knows I have at least some money. She knows I have my other bar in Florida. She doesn't know where I live. Thank God for that. She says if it is ever too complicated for me I can get out. I didn't know I was in. But, I guess I am in and in deep at that. If Lori finds out it is going to be a blood bath. I have to end it. I need to end it. But, I don't want to. For some reason, I feel more alive now than I've felt in a very long time. I'm excited and a little scared. My dad says a little fear is a good thing, but this isn't that kind of fear. Actually, I don't know what it is. All I do know is that I have started something that is going to spin completely out of control if I'm not careful.

The problem I have at the moment, related to Pamela, is that Lori wants to go to the bar tonight to hang out with Andy and Ivy. I'm dreading the possibility that Pamela will be there. I have no idea how that might play out and I am praying that it won't happen.

We're going to go. It would be suspicious if I said no. It's already suspicious that I have been spending so much time at the bar. And, to make matters worse, I know the bartenders know I'm up to no good. Thank God I really get along with them. I'm pretty sure they won't say anything. It's not like Lori really talks to them that much anyway. Right? Fuck. I'm freaking out. This was an insanely bad idea. This is a catastrophe.

I haven't ever cheated before, I think. Can't remember for sure, but I'm pretty sure I haven't. I think it's wrong. Period. And, yet I'm doing it, and in some sick way I am enjoying it. I feel moral outrage but am doing nothing to stop it. It doesn't make any sense. Is this because Lori doesn't want to get married? Is this revenge? Or is it that I don't see a future with her since she doesn't want to get married? Am I really happy in my relationship? Why do I need this? Do I need this? What the fuck is going on?

I am happy with Lori. We have fun. She is great in bed. I love her. Right? All those things. But, I'm doing this anyway. I have to slow down. Lori is going to know something is going on with me. Am I behaving suspiciously? I don't know. But, it has to show that I'm a little off. I need to take my meds. Maybe that will slow things down and allow me to break free of this sordid affair.

If my father knew he would be completely appalled. Same with my mother. I think my brother is a cheater himself, so he might understand, but I'm not going to tell him. I'm not going to tell even Jay. He wouldn't approve. He's not a cheater.

Is this because Nara cheated on me? Is that somehow related to all of this? Am I afraid that Lori is going to cheat on me? I don't think she will, but do I subconsciously believe that? My thoughts are a fucking jumble. Everything is spinning and I'm starting to get sick.

## December 1, 1993. Seattle, WA

Pamela was there last night, but she didn't say anything to me. She barely even looked at me. I can't say how relieved I am. She is a good person. If she wasn't she might have fucked everything up for me. I haven't talked to her and don't know if I should call. She doesn't call me. Told me she didn't want to get me in any trouble, so I should make all the calls. It's like she's done this before. That is a sobering thought.

Anyway, Lori, Ivy, Andy and I had a good night. We drank hard, laughed a lot, and by the end were pretty damned drunk. Lori and I had to take a cab home. She ended up throwing up in the kitchen sink. I maintained, but was feeling pretty sick for a while there.

Notable last night was Ivy and Andy's announcement. They are engaged. After all that talk about never wanting to get married, they are engaged. I wanted to slap both of them. But, maybe this is a good thing. While Lori expressed shock when they told us, she also seemed to soften on the whole marriage thing. She didn't come out and say she would get married, but she didn't say she never would.

I asked Andy why they had changed their minds and he said that he couldn't fault marriage for bad relationships. That response agreed with me.

I'm freaking out a lot less today, now that I know Pamela isn't a psycho. Unfortunately, that means I am going to call her today and arrange for our next meeting.

I'm going to see my shrink tomorrow. I think I am going to tell her about all of this. She still wants me to keep a journal, so I might just use one of my other notebooks for that. I'll just make it a bunch of one-line thoughts to sum up each day. No need to go into too much detail.

I've decided to take Lori away on a trip. This time, I think I'm going to take her to Antigua. We were going to go to DC, but I think that can wait. I need a beach and nothing to do. Well, I have nothing to do most of the time, but this is a different sort of doing nothing that I'm talking about. I'll take her to that resort I went to. Can't remember its name right now. Jay knows. He turned me onto it.

I still don't know why I'm drawn to Pamela. I don't even like that name. It reminds me of this bitchy honors student from high school who took pleasure in correcting people and belittling them.

Maybe it's her looks. She is prettier than Lori. Way prettier. She is good in the sack, but actually not as interesting as Lori. She is smart, sarcastic, funny, and edgy. She kind of reminds me of Nara. Shit. Is that what this is about?

If she is just some substitute for Nara, I am going to scream.

Speaking of Nara. I talked to her. It's been forever. She didn't sound good. In fact, she sounded terrible. I didn't ask if she was back with Rick, but I am guessing she is, and that can't be good. Actually, the only thing good she said was that she got a new job working for a clothing designer. They make beach wear. Nara says it's nice stuff. She offered to send me something, so I gave her my address. That was nice of her. I guess, in the end, there never really was any animosity between us. It was just sort of a tragic relationship. I don't fault her for cheating on me. And, now, given my present situation, I really don't fault her. I'm no hypocrite. Well, actually, I might be, but I can't seem to work that out in my head right now.

Tonight, I am taking Lori out to dinner and a movie. We're pretty hung over, so I don't know if we'll actually make the movie. And, honestly, dinner isn't sounding that great right about now. Think I'll get some crackers or something.

## December 25, 1993. Seattle, WA

Ho Ho Ho. Christmas is here. This is my favorite holiday by far. Presents for everyone.

No, I didn't decorate the house. I would have, but I'm too lazy for that. But, I did get a tree and decorated that. Had to go out and buy ornaments and lights since I didn't have any.

Presents are good, although we kept it simple. Lori thinks extravagant gifts are unnecessary. So, I just bought her a diamond necklace(not too extravagant) and some little things.

Lori bought me a computer that is just for me. Very thoughtful considering that she is always on the computer. She actually bought me a really nice one. Even nicer than the one we had. So, I have a new game machine. She also bought me a flight yoke for the computer so I can play Flight Simulator, my favorite game of all time.

Our stockings were stuffed with candy. Lori really likes fireballs. She eats them all the time. I'm more into Snickers. No candy canes. We both agree that those are disgusting.

So, we're here chilling out. Quiet day and then tomorrow, we are off to Antigua. Lori is excited about it. She is a beach person, after all.

On a more somber note, my affair with Pamela continues. I even bought her a Christmas present, which seemed like an even bigger betrayal of Lori than the affair itself. I bought her sapphire earrings. I am such a pig. She was very surprised when I gave them to her and felt bad that she hadn't gotten me anything. I would have felt worse if she did get me something.

We've had sex three times now, and have graduated from doing it in her car to doing it at her apartment. I feel dirty on so many levels. And, I know that I'm not ending this any time soon, unless something big happens. Which leads me to this. I'm going to try to get Lori to marry me in Antigua. I already have the ring and I know exactly what I'm going to say. I will definitely break it off with Pamela if Lori marries me.

I will break it off, won't I? I don't owe Pamela anything. I'm not obligated to be with her. The only thing is she energizes me. I said it before and I'll say it again. I haven't felt this good(and bad) in a long time. But, it's the bad that I have to face. I can't have this and be truly happy, and I can't be happy with Lori unless I stop doing this.

So, get Lori to marry me, break it off with Pamela, and live happily ever after. It's the perfect plan. Just need Lori to marry me. I'm hoping Andy and Ivy have had some influence on her, although she hasn't really talked about them and their engagement. Even at the bar that night, she didn't say much. Maybe she was worried that I would ask her to marry me. I hope not.

What is this I've created? Is this a house of cards? Maybe it's just a pile of shit. God knows I have shit all over my hands right now.

# Will and Action

## January 1, 1994. Antigua

Introducing Mrs. Lori Harrigan. She caved, and I wonder if she only did it to shut me up. Now, step one in my plan is complete. Just have to break it off with Pamela and then live happily ever after.

The wedding ceremony was on the beach at sunset. Kinda cheesy, but what the hell. We said our vows. We had a nice dinner. We drank far too much, Lori especially, and then we had a night of crazy sex. It was the craziest and nastiest I've ever seen Lori, one more reason to break it off with Pamela.

So, I'm married(again). And, I feel different this time. I feel right about it, like this was what was always meant to be. I hope Lori feels the same way. She seems happy, anyway.

I am a guy who has everything. I mean, it all started off rocky, but then luck favored me and my whole life changed. I did try to kill myself, but that was a fluke, I think. I have two killer bars, a great wife, money, stability, and happiness. Now, I just need to avoid fucking it all up.

Married. I called my parents yesterday and told them. No complaints from them. They really like Lori. My brother asked if I really wanted to be married, which was an asshole type thing to say, but whatever. My sister was happy for me. Apparently, she has a girlfriend now, Kylie. Cute name. Just hope she doesn't look like a man. I know that is an awful thing to say, but it's how I feel.

So, we are here for another few days, and then we'll go back and I will break it off with Pamela. I'll have to do that in person. She is going to see the ring on my finger. Hope that doesn't set her off. Actually, maybe I shouldn't wear it. But, then, what if I lose it? That would be just my luck. Better to just be honest and deal with the consequences. What's the worst that can happen? Pamela is a reasonable person. She has never given any sign that she is a psycho. So, it's going to be okay. I hope.

## January 24, 1994. Seattle, WA

Broke it off with Pamela. It was easy. She totally got it. Said congratulations even. Pretty big of her. I guess I should have known. It's not like we were in love. We barely knew each other.

Pamela offered one for the road, but I declined. She wasn't put out. I wonder if she will come back to the bar. Hope not. I don't need the temptation.

Life with my new wife is most excellent. We are spending a lot of time together. We even started going to cooking classes together since we both suck at cooking.

Now, I just need to behave. It's hard to be married and easy to fuck it up, especially if you go fucking around. Pamela could have ruined everything. I was fortunate. Nobody is lucky all the time, especially me, so I need to keep my nose clean.

No more fucking around!

The only thing is, unfortunately, that the high I got while with Miss Pamela is gone along with her. I'm not feeling oh so alive and pert. Not that I'm feeling bad. It's just something is missing. It is a horrible thing to say, all things considered, but it is the truth. Just need to figure out how to get it back without destroying what I have.

Talked to my financial planner today. Things are okay, but they could be better. Some of my investments went down. One company went bankrupt. That was a surprise to everyone, evidently. Apparently there was some funny business. The stock tanked. I was advised to stay in because the damage was already done and the best I could hope for was a recovery so I could make back some of the money. That was a big loss. I guess these things happen. Despite that, I am still making some money on my investments. Just not as much as before. Here's to an early retirement. Heh.

Jay is finally coming out to visit. He is bringing his new fling. I think he said her name is Jennifer. They're going to stay here, of course. I'll show them around town, take them to the bar. Maybe we'll even go to some other bars in the area. I don't know. To be honest, I don't know that much about Seattle. I live a pretty sheltered life. I know where you can go shopping, or biking, or to bars, but not much else. I guess I don't get out much. Anyway, Lori knows her way around. She will help salvage the situation. Still, it's not like Jay is hard to please. He is a pretty simple guy. Give him a beer and a view and he is perfectly happy. Not sure about his girlfriend though.

My brother is engaged yet again, that bastard. Talk about a quick recovery. I wonder if this will last or if the new potential ex Mrs. Harrigan will be kicked to the curb. We'll see. The wedding is in June, which seems to me to be a bad idea since the previous ones were supposed to be in June. Call me superstitious. No good can come of this. They'll break up by May. Lori says I'm too cynical, to which I say I can't be all that cynical if I made another attempt at marriage. Yes, Lori knows about Nara and how that whole thing went down. We only talked about it once, and I tried to make it look like the whole affair hadn't affected me in the least. I'm sure Lori saw right through that. She writes about complicated relationships all the time. Well, that and kinky sex.

Nara has been on my mind lately. I've had a strong urge to see her, although I'm not sure why. I don't want to have sex with her or anything like that. Don't want the relationship back. I just want to see her. Maybe I want to show her how much better I am doing without her. That could be it. But, that is a shitty reason to want to see someone, even if that someone really screwed you over. In the end, it won't happen. If I go to Florida it will be with Lori, and I won't be making any secret trips to Nara's. I bet she is with Rick, that fuck-up. I'd say they deserve each other, but I don't really believe that. Nara isn't a bad person. She just did some bad things. I'm no better or worse.

## February 4, 1994. Seattle, WA

Jay is here with Jennifer. She is pretty cool, kind of sarcastic, but not in an off-putting way. She and Jay are all over each other. I've never seen Jay this way. Makes me a little uncomfortable. I almost feel like I need to have sex with Lori in front of them. Not really, but maybe yes. You know, it's just that I've never seen Jay all touchy feely with any of his other girlfriends. So, maybe Jennifer is the one or maybe she has him by the dick. If that is the case, I don't think I'll give them that long. Sex is great, but the novelty wears off. Then what do you have left?

We've been out and about. Nice dinners. We went out on a boat and drank too much. Jennifer is pretty funny when she gets drunk. Curses like crazy and says everything is "wicked cool" or "wicked fucking cool." Then she French kisses Jay and squeezes his ass. It's a lovely sight.

Jay and Jennifer both really like The Lost Retreat. Jay says it is better than Harrigan's. I have to agree.

Jay read the dirty book. He called it an admirable and perverse work, worthy of induction into whatever hall of fame there is for smut. He said he is tempted to write a review of the book for publication in Hustler. Seems fitting.

Jennifer and Lori left Jay and me alone yesterday. The offered Jay and I an opportunity to catch up in a more honest way. Well, it allowed Jay to find out how I was doing.

"So, what's your story, Mark?" said Jay.

"Nothing much going on. Got married and have been pretty happy," I said.

"Bullshit. Out with it," he said.

"Well, I mean there was one blip. I cheated on Lori, but I stopped that after we got married."

"You taking your medicine?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I don't really need it," I said.

"Yeah, you say that now, but you and I both know bad shit will happen if you don't take it."

"I'm not so sure. I feel really good."

"Uh huh. You know, I only bring it up because you seem off."

"Off?"

"Jittery. And you kind of are all over the place in conversation."

"Really?"

"Yup. Tell you what. Why don't you take your medicine and we'll see how that works."

"Well, okay, I guess," I said. I went into my bedroom and took my pills. After another day on my medicine, Jay said I appeared to be doing better.

So, I think I'm doing better now. It worries me that I wasn't aware of the problem. I wonder what Jennifer thought about it. Did Jay tell her? I guess I shouldn't care, but I do. It makes me wonder what other people think of me. What does Lori think of me? Does she just accept me for who I am or is she barely tolerating me? I guess it makes me more than a little paranoid. Makes me think I need to take my medicine.

## March 25, 1994. Seattle, WA

Lori's book hit the shelves today. I forget how many bookstore's its in. I'm not sure we even found out. But, they did say it was a relatively large printing. I guess they think it will do well with the sex starved, middle aged women market.

I think it will do well. Anything that perverse has to draw a big audience. I mean, it's not grotesque, and there is no woman on donkey kind of stuff going on, but there is a lot of kinky sex in unexpected places. My favorite is the part where Olivia, Georgina's maid, takes it from behind in a stable. You'd think the smell of horse manure would be a turn off, but apparently it wasn't for Olivia. I don't know what the guy's name was. Maybe Stinky McGee or something like that. There are many such scenes in the book. Also, a couple of people die. I think it's all sex related.

So, Lori is thrilled. Today we're going to one of the bigger bookstores in the area where it is being sold. I think Lori just wants to see it on the shelf. I guess it is pretty hard to believe when you think about it. Very few people who try to get published actually get published. So, that says something for Lori's work.

I'd just like to see her try to write something different. Not this sex stuff. I'm sure she could write all sorts of shit. Maybe she could try her hand at science fiction. I'm sure there would be sex in it, but still it would be cool. I'd say something to her, but I don't think it would go over well. She takes all of this pretty seriously.

We've been biking a lot lately. I'm losing weight again, which is nice. So is Lori, although she isn't heavy.

We're still taking cooking classes, and I have to say it has had quite an impact on our lives. We eat out a lot less and we cook together, so that is good. Lori has us eating healthy, of course, which is okay, but not all the time. I keep pushing to make pasta dishes and other high carb, high calorie stuff. It's what I like. None of this lightly seasoned chicken breast with green beans and a salad crap. But, whatever. At least we're spending time together.

I've been going to the bar more often, sometimes with Lori, sometimes without. I haven't seen Pamela, which is a big relief. Mostly, I talk to the bartenders and plan events at the bar. We're going to have an April Fools party. Haven't figured out the gag yet and time is running out. Harrigan's Pub is also going to have a party. I was there a week ago with Lori to check in. Georgia has everything in hand. She is amazing. I'm pretty sick of saying it, but it's true. That said, I gave her a bigger bonus than I normally would. I would hate to lose her.

My dad had a heart attack. They say is was relatively minor, but that sounds like crap to me. A heart attack isn't relatively minor. It's life threatening. Anyway, my dad is okay, but now he is on some medication and he has to have some sort of procedure done. I don't know what the hell it is, but it isn't a huge deal.

My dad is the only one in his family that he knows of that ever had a heart problem. I'm hoping that means I won't have heart problems. Maybe it's not genetic. But, whatever the case, it was a huge scare. What pisses me off is that he and my mom waited two weeks to tell me. Same with my brother and sister. Why the hell wouldn't you tell your kids immediately? Insane. I'm not mad though, just wondering what else they haven't told me over the years. I'm sure those two have all sorts of secrets. Maybe my dad has a secret family and maybe he was stressing out about it and he had a heart attack. Or maybe my mom secretly wanted a sex change and she finally told my dad and he had a heart attack. We will never know. That I'm sure of.

## April 23, 1994. West Palm Beach, FL

My dad died on the nineteenth, another heart attack. I don't know what to do. I know how I feel, but not how to act. It's beyond comprehension. He was only fifty-seven.

He and I had become so close. We talked all the time. I mean, most of the time we just talked about the bars, but even that was something. I know I'm lucky that I had that with him and that if it wasn't for the bars, we might not have ever been close.

Fuck. I can't do this.

William Patrick Harrigan. 1937-1994. A great dad. A great friend.

## April 30, 1994. Seattle, WA

I still haven't come to terms with it. The loss is beyond measure. I know he would want me to be strong and enjoy life and to do the right thing. Always that. But, I'm just beaten down by this. All I do is mope around the house. I don't want to do anything or talk to anyone. I mean, I talk to Lori, of course, but beyond that I don't want to deal with anyone or anything.

I have to do the books for April in a couple of days. So, that might take my mind off of things a little. Or not. Already I'm thinking of the time I spent with my father learning how to do the books. Misery. Fucking misery.

I have to pull out of this somehow. It's not safe to be this way. I know that all too well. I wish there was a pill that could make you recover from something like this. Duh. Maybe if I took my medicine...

Lori has been really good about all of this. So, I have that going for me.

I didn't cry at the funeral. I wish I had. Maybe I would feel better if I could cry.

## May 15, 1994. Seattle, WA

My dad left my brother, my sister and me each two million dollars in trust. I don't know exactly how this works. I think I get it when I'm thirty or something like that. I didn't realize he had that much money. I think that's because he never really spent that much. So, now, I have no dad, but I have even more money. I keep picking up the phone to call him. It's infuriating.

Lori and I went out last night for dinner. She said I needed to get out of the house and out of my head. It was a nice dinner although I didn't eat much. But, we had a nice conversation. I told Lori about my dad, every last detail. I wonder if she was getting sick of it.

After dinner we took a walk. Didn't say much. Just held hands. And, when we got home Lori convinced me to re-enact some scenes from her book. That cheered me up a bit. I guess it had been a while.

Lori is writing right now, as usual. I'm about to make lunch for us. I'm not hungry, but I'm going to force myself to eat. Don't want Lori to be concerned more than anything.

On a more positive note, I'm still taking my bass lessons and am doing quite well. I've learned a lot of songs, although no Rush songs yet. My teacher says I am far from ready for that. But, I practice and try to figure things out on my own, so I'm pretty happy with that. Plus, I have my awesome black Rickenbacker bass. That thing growls. Really cool. There is another bass that I like. I played one the other day at Ray's Music. It's a Musicman bass. Really cool sound. Ray's didn't have a color I liked to I asked them to custom order one for me. It's going to be orange. Costs a little more, but what the hell. Now that I think of it, there are a ton of basses I'm interested in. Just have to do my research. Well, I already know about Fender basses. I'll get one of those probably. Maybe a P-Bass. And a Gretsch bass if they have them. Then there is Gibson. They have some cool shit. Jay told me there are a lot of people out there making high-end custom basses. Have to look into that.

I started taking my medicine again and it's really helped. I don't understand why I hate taking it when it seems to do so much good sometimes. I promised myself that I would stay on them this time. I have to give it a chance at least.

Thinking about my dad, as usual. I had a vision of his face the day we opened Harrigan's. It was the happiest I had ever seen him. You would think the bar had been his dream and not mine. Wherever he is, I hope it has a Harrigan's where he can hang out.

Lori's book is doing well. Better than expected, in fact. I don't know how many she's sold, but it is a good amount, and, I guess there was a good review somewhere, which helps. Now, lonely housewives across the country can get their jollies reading some good old-fashioned smut.

I'm thinking it's time for another trip. Will let Lori decide this time. Hopefully she'll pick somewhere fun. I could use some fun. Maybe Disney, although I won't bring it up. Her call.

I spent some time working on the deck. It needed to be stained. Pain in the ass, really. I'm not much for handyman stuff. Still, it seemed like a waste to pay someone to do it. My dad would have done it himself. He was always working on the house when I was a kid. He even built his own brick grill in the back yard. He also did all the painting and even knew how to deal with the electrical stuff. Installed recessed lights in the family room. Fans. He did everything. I never really noticed back then, and I never helped. Wish I had now. Maybe we would have been closer sooner. But, no regrets. Happy that in the end we were so close.

My mom still hasn't recovered. She barely talks, and she is usually a real talker. I never saw them as being all that close, but I guess they really were. Maybe in private. She's going to be fine, I'm sure. She just has to wait it out. Anyway, it's not like she's going around wearing a black veil or anything. Just withdrawn. Lonely. She said she might sell the house and get a condo. Just thinking about it. I think that is a bad idea. She has more than enough money to stay in the house. I would think it would be full of good memories for her, but maybe I'm ignorant. Maybe the good memories make things worse if things are bad.

## August 24, 1994. West Palm Beach, FL

Lori and I came out to West Palm Beach to visit my mom. She is doing a little better now. Gets out of the house, plays bridge with her friends... So, getting back to normal.

She read Lori's book. I kind of hoped she wouldn't because I thought it was too dirty for her. But, she really loved it and told Lori she couldn't wait for the next book.

Lori is almost done with the next one. Pretty fast if you ask me. She'll be sending it to an editor in the next couple of weeks.

Some production company contacted Lori and asked if she was interested in selling the rights to the book or something like that. Apparently they want to make a movie or some made for TV thing. It's going to have to be rated X. Or maybe the will take out the really hot stuff. Lori is excited. She is going to hire an agent to help her figure things out. The guy she is talking to now is someone named Max Price. Seems like an agent name to me.

I guess if she hires Max, he will get a cut of things. Not sure how much, but if the books are doing really well, then it is probably a non-issue. Plus, according to Lori, an agent can help her get better deals. This is all way beyond me, but I'll trust Lori's judgment.

It seems to me that in my reading of Lori's book, I didn't fully grasp what was going on other than a lot of sex. I have very little recollection of the plot of the book and now wonder if it wasn't some great story. Makes me feel a little bad. I should reread it. I don't think anyone would want to make a movie if the book didn't have a lot going on.

When we get back to Seattle, Lori is going to do a book signing at one of the local shops. It's the one she frequents most. I can already see the long line of women, all wearing Elizabethan era clothes, waiting to have Lori scribble in their books.

Next thing you know, she will be on some daytime talk show promoting it.

Going to Harrigan's tonight to check in. Georgia has everything under control, and the bar is doing really well. Georgia says she has people coming in all the time who want to work there. So, a never-ending stream of potential bartenders.

The restaurant next to Harrigan's went out of business and the space is available. Something tells me I should grab it and see if we can attach the two and expand the bar. That would allow us to make the bar a rectangle in the center of the space. Considering how busy the place gets, it's probably not a bad idea. Another possibility is that we could turn the place into a bar and restaurant, but I'm not so sure about that. It seems like it could be a major headache. Georgia didn't seem to keen on the idea either. So, maybe not.

Jay will be coming tonight. He broke up with Jennifer. Said she was kind of rude and he just couldn't put up with it anymore. He probably will never settle on someone. Seems a bit picky. But, whatever. His choice.

So, we'll hang out and get a little drunk. Have to go early before the place gets busy. It's not that big, so it runs out of seats pretty quickly. Another reason to expand. I think I'll call the landlord and see what he's looking for.

Still on my meds and am feeling pretty decent. And, things are great with Lori. We're pretty happy together, almost never fight. When we do fight it is usually over me making too much noise with my bass or playing the stereo too loud. She says I need to get headphones. I'll probably cave and get them. I'm sure the neighbors would appreciate it.

## October 8, 1994. Seattle, WA

I've stopped taking it my medicine. Wasn't sleeping and I couldn't concentrate on shit, so clearly the meds weren't working. I should call my doctor, but all she is going to do is tell me to take my medicine. Maybe she'll change the dosages. I don't know. It's a pain in the ass.

Pamela was at The Lost Retreat last night. Lori wasn't with me. Pamela and I talked for a while and she propositioned me, but I politely refused, although I was sorely tempted. I like the rush, but I don't like how I feel with the rush is gone.

I hope Pamela stops coming in, because I might actually break down. That would be a disaster. Doing it once was bad enough, and I am still kicking myself for it.

I want to play bass, but I'm too wired to play well. When I'm like this, my playing is a mess.

I guess what I need to do is find something to do, so maybe I should go shopping or something. Maybe a board game to play with Lori or another bass. I have seven now. Went on a buying spree recently. Here is what I have: the Rickenbacker, a Fender Jazz, a Fender P-Bass, an acoustic bass, a MusicMan, a custom bass made by one of the Seattle locals and a Gibson. They are all pretty nice although my new favorite is the Jazz bass. It is a 1969 model in perfect condition, Olympic white with a tortoise pick-guard, low action on the strings and killer sound. I play the shit out of that bass.

I finally started learning a Rush song. Not with my teacher though. I'm doing it on my own. It's called _New World Man_. Most of it is pretty easy, but there are parts I just can't play no matter how hard I try. Infuriating. But, I haven't been playing all that long, so I just have to be patient.

In other news, Gary Larson, cartoonist, is going to stop _The Far Side_. I love that comic strip. I don't know why he is stopping and I am kind of pissed that he is. It's one of the few things that makes me laugh. Well, Lori makes me laugh, but that's about it. So, no more _Far Side_. I'll have to go to the bookstore and get one of those calendars that has a comic for every day. Hopefully they'll have it.

I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like laughing, screaming, shopping or breaking something. Maybe I can take apart my computer or something. Anything other than sitting here all day listening to Lori type in the other room. She is a loud typer. You'd think she had something against her computer, and maybe she does because she seems to yell at it an awful lot.

What the hell else? Nothing. Just going stir crazy. And I can't figure out what to do. TV is boring. Biking is boring. Smashing things against the wall isn't boring, but it will raise Lori's suspicions, and it just won't do to have her asking questions about my state of mind.

I wonder what my sister is doing right now. I haven't talked to her since the funeral, which is odd I guess. We don't talk that often, but you'd think we would have talked by now. Maybe I'll call her. I'd call my brother, but all he ever talks about is making partner. I swear that is all he ever thinks about. I hope he makes partner soon so he'll shut up about it.

I still can't believe he didn't get married in June. He made such a big deal about it. But he broke things off before the wedding, of course, and is now single again. Nobody is good enough for him. My bet is he won't ever get married. That would be just fine with me.

Maybe I'll call Jay at work. He probably won't be able to talk. His store gets really busy. He told me he bought a collection of rare records and these ancient turntables. I don't know what he paid for them, but I bet it was a lot. Let's see if he can actually sell them. Or maybe he just wants them for himself.

Fuck. Fuck a duck. I'm stuck. Just my luck.

## December 25, 1994. West Palm Beach, FL

Been a long time. Things have been terrible. Lori is gone.

In late October, things got really bad for me. I wasn't taking my medicine and I was going bonkers. I started drinking heavily and ended up in a bad situation.

I was at The Lost Retreat without Lori, and, of course, Pamela was there. I don't know what I was thinking when I went back to her house, but I did and she and I did it. Unfortunately, I pocket dialed Lori and she heard more than enough to tell her that I was cheating. I won't bother writing down all the things she heard. When I stumbled into the house late that night, Lori was gone. She left a note saying she didn't want to talk to me ever again and told me to leave her a voicemail telling her when I would be out of the house so she could get the rest of her things. I called her repeatedly, leaving messages, apologizing profusely. I told her that it was all the result of an episode and that I had stopped taking my medication.

The next day, hung over and desperate to talk to her, I called a few more times. No answer. By my last call I threw in the towel and told her she could pick up the stuff whenever she wanted, but I needed to know when she would be there. She called a few minutes later and told me that she would be there in an hour. I asked her where she was, and she told me she was with Andy and Ivy. I tried to apologize, but she hung up on me.

I debated whether or not I should be in the house when she arrived, and decided it was best if I left. It was seven PM, so I went to the bar and started drinking heavily.

Hank, one of my bartenders, could tell something was wrong, and after a bit of wrangling, I admitted my crime. He said he knew I was fooling around with Pamela and asked me why I did it. I dumped everything about being bi-polar and having an episode and not being able to control myself when I was like that. He said he had seen me over the few months he had been working there and noticed that my moods swung far and wide. I told him that Lori was probably gone for good. Then I continued drinking until I was just about ready to hit the floor. Hank called me a cab and I went home.

At home and drunk as hell, I crashed on my couch. In the morning, I woke with a massive hangover. I barely made it to the bathroom to throw up. Then I stumbled around the house to see if Lori had really taken everything.

I found her wedding band and engagement ring(I bought it on principle even though we were engaged for no more than twenty-four hours) on our bedroom dresser. She had also left all of the jewelry I had given her and in the office she had left the old typewriter I bought her. Her computer was gone, along with the printer.

I sat on the couch in the family room and turned on the TV. Then I cried. I hadn't cried in ages. I cursed myself for being weak and for being a rotten cheat.

A week later I was still miserable. I hadn't heard a word from Lori. I did talk to Andy though and he was pretty cold about the whole thing, which I understood. I explained things to him as best I could, but it didn't take the chill out of the conversation. I told him to tell Lori that I wanted to give her some money so that she wouldn't have to live with her parents. He said he'd relay the message.

Two days later, Lori showed up, looking for a check, which I gave her. It was more than I would have had to give her. After all, I felt terribly guilty. I tried to talk to her, but all she would say was that she couldn't be with a person who would cheat, and that she loved me and understood that my illness played a role in things. Still, it was unacceptable. Then she was gone.

From there, everything went downhill. I took to drinking at home, which I usually don't do, and to going to the bar every night and drinking myself blind there. Hank and the other bartenders tried to slow me down, but I wouldn't listen to them, so they let me drink myself into a pit.

I stopped taking care of myself and spent my time drinking and doing things to distract myself, like playing bass and biking, although biking drunk proved a bit difficult.

After a week of this, Lori filed for divorce. I still hadn't told my family what had happened. I did tell Jay. He said I was nuts going off my medicine and that I needed to get back on it immediately. I said I would, but I didn't do it.

Agitated, both high and low at the same time, I kept going down the path of self-destruction.

Then I ran into Pamela at the bar. I told her what had happened. She just said maybe it was for the best. I mustn't have loved Lori that much if I would cheat on her. I didn't tell Pamela about the bi-polar thing. I didn't want her to think I did it just because I was sick, and I wasn't even sure it was just because I was sick. Part of me believed that I was using it as an excuse.

I ended up sleeping with Pamela that night. When I woke up in the morning at her place, she had made me breakfast. She could see that I was in a terrible place and did her best to cheer me up, and I acted like she was making a difference, even though inside I was a wreck.

After that, I went home, plopped myself on my couch and watched TV. Life had taken a horrible turn for the worst and I could do nothing about it. I was getting another divorce, but this time because of something I had done.

I called Nara that day. We talked at length about everything that had happened to us since our divorce. I didn't tell her I had cheated on Lori. Instead, I told her that we were just too different. I'm a lying asshole when you get right down to it.

Nara claimed that our baby had not been Rick's, but some guy named Paul Fischer. I knew that name, but not from where. Nara told me he had been a grade above us in high school and that she had always had a crush on him. Nara said cheating on me was the worst thing she ever had done and apologized for the pain it caused me. I forgave her, knowing that not doing so would be a condemnation of myself.

She told me that her stepfather had died in a car accident and that since then, her relationship with her mother had improved. Her job was going well and she was feeling much better about herself. She also told me she was single. I'm not sure why she told me that, but I wonder if she is thinking maybe we might reunite. Anyway, I didn't chase that down. I don't know if I could get back with Nara. Too much bad shit had happened, and I knew that I wasn't in a place to be starting a new relationship.

I shut out the world after that conversation. I would go to the bar every night and drink myself further into depression. The bartenders, Hank especially, tried to intervene, but I would have none of it.

I was driving home from the bar, drunk as usual, when I got pulled over. I was in a horrible state and was rambling about wanting to kill myself. The police called for an ambulance and I was taken to the hospital for observation. It was November twenty-third.

I spent the night in the hospital and did my best to act normal, but I was all over the place. I told them I was bi-polar and that my wife had left me, although I didn't tell them why she had. I told them I had gone off my medicine and that things had been spiraling out of control since October. They asked me if I really wanted to kill myself. I paused and said I didn't although I really did.

After I sobered up they let me go, telling me to take my medicine and to stop drinking. One doctor said that I should never drink given my condition. To his face, I swore off drinking, but I knew that would ever happen.

I went home, went to my fridge and grabbed a beer. Then I sat on my couch and turned the TV on.

I did drink less after that, but still would drink enough to feel it. It didn't make me feel any better though. I still was reeling.

I slept with Pamela a few more times, and even started getting close to her, although I knew I could never get in a real relationship with her. She is a grim reminder of what I have done and what I have lost.

A few days ago, I broke it off with Pamela. I started taking my medication again, and have started to feel a little better. I desperately want Lori back. I haven't talked to her and I fear that the only time I will see her will be in court for the divorce. My attorney doesn't want me to see her. He says I need to keep my head clear and not make any stupid promises.

I have called her a few times and left messages, but those calls have gone unanswered. I haven't seen Andy and Ivy. They don't come to the bar anymore. So, I am totally alone. I don't know what to do with myself. I am terribly ashamed and have come unhinged. There is nothing here for me now.

Part of me wants to leave Seattle. I feel like I have ruined this place for myself. But, I don't know where to go. Maybe I should go to West Palm for a while and unwind with Jay. Part of me thinks I should go to some island somewhere and just sit on the beach, but that would remind me of my trips with Lori to Bermuda and Antigua. I don't know. I have to do something, because sitting here alone in my house is driving me mad.

I talked to my mom today. She asked how Lori was doing and I said she was doing great. I don't know when I'm going to tell my mom what happened. Maybe I'll just tell her that it didn't work out.

It's Christmas. I didn't buy a tree or decorate the house. The presents my family sent are sitting unopened in the corner. I didn't send anyone presents and nobody commented on it. Ho Ho Ho. What a nightmare.

## January 8, 1995. West Palm Beach, FL

So, I've escaped to Florida. I've been spending time with Jay and Nara. Mostly we just go to Harrigan's.

It's weird how things shift in your mind over time. I'm not over Lori yet, but she has faded to some extent. Maybe that is because I see that there is no hope. I still regret deeply what I've done and I don't think I will ever forgive myself for it, but I see some hope for myself.

Maybe that is because I am taking my medicine again. I go off it all the time and I always think it is pointless to take it, but when I'm coming out of a bad slump, it seems to help.

Nara and I went out to dinner last night. It was a strange meeting. I think there is something there still, but am not sure. I shouldn't do anything about it, but I might if the circumstances are right. I hate being alone, and at the same time I know that it should not drive me to Nara. It would have to be because I truly love her, and I am not sure that is the case.

Nara might not be interested anyway. She seems happy being on her own and has found some success. Still, there is a certain chemistry. I don't know. It's all too much for me to handle, really. Maybe I need to be alone for a while to sort things out. God knows I have a ton of shit to work out.

Jay says I overthink things and that if I chose to take a more simple approach to life, I'd be better off. Easy for him to say. He is the king of simplicity. I envy him for that. But, given that I am the way I am, I don't think I can be simple. I think I have to just accept myself and move on and try not to fuck anything else up.

Anyway, part of me still wonders if I can get Lori back. Maybe she has calmed down enough to hear me out. Or, maybe there is something I can do to win her back. But, would she ever trust me again? Can I show that I am a changed man? Am I a changed man? Maybe not. Never did I feel like what I was doing was right. I never felt anything other than shame. But, that didn't stop me. So, what change could I make? I have a moral compass although I don't seem to follow it.

We're all going to go out tonight and put down a large amount of alcohol. We started bringing in bands to Harrigan's, now the new and expanded Harrigan's. I don't know who tonight's band is going to be. Georgia told me, but I forgot, of course. I have been forgetting a lot of things lately, like my mother's birthday. I'm still in shock that she is dating someone this close to my father's death. I don't fault her for it, but I am a little uncomfortable with it.

I figure I'll stay in Florida a few more days and then head home. Then I'll figure out what my next steps will be. I'm still considering leaving Seattle, although I don't know where I would go. Maybe Tucson. I liked it there and it might be a good place to open another bar, although the thought of doing that without my fathers help is daunting. Still, I've done it twice before.

I think it should be near the campus. Lot's of college kids with their parent's money. And, I already know how well Dirtbags and The Shelter do. But, maybe they would be difficult to compete with. I don't know and it's premature since I don't even know if I want to be in Tucson. I have heard that Austin is really nice, so maybe I should go there.

For now, I just need to get my head on straight and figure out a few things. I think the biggest thing I need to work out is who I really am, because I am quite certain that I don't know that. I need to be able to explain my behavior to myself and hopefully to Lori. Not sure that will make any difference, though. I will truly have to jump through fire if I am going to get Lori back. The question is am I willing to do it?

## February 1, 1995. Seattle, WA

My relationship with Lori is officially over. It was over anyway, but now I can see that the door is truly shut. The good news is she doesn't hate me. If anything, she pities me, which in my book isn't really a good thing. She will never trust me and says that is because I am bi-polar. She admitted that she almost broke it off with me when she first found out, but gave me a chance. So, I completely blew it.

It has knocked me down hard, of course. I truly loved Lori. I loved being with her and laughing with her. We had good times, which makes my behavior all the more confusing.

I'd like to think I'm not a bad guy, but I do bad things, and it seems to me that no matter how good my thoughts and beliefs are, it's my actions that determine my worth as a person. That is disheartening. But, all hope isn't lost. I can make the future better. I can change. I hope I can change anyway.

I've decided not to move just yet. The last thing I need is a big change. So, I'll stay here and try to meet people and get my life in working order. I'm not really good at making new friends, however, and I'm even worse at picking up the pieces, but I have to try.

And, if I don't end up with Nara(I've been thinking about trying to get back together with her), then maybe I'll meet someone new. The whole Nara thing is tricky anyway. Something tells me that it is a bad idea, and that I'm just contemplating it because I am lonely.

Jay says I need a break from relationships. He says I am still pretty fucked up and that until I get everything under control, any new relationship is going to be a disaster. Way to cheer a guy up, Jay. But, he's probably right, as usual. He is pretty wise for his years. What is he now? Thirty? I've lost track.

I'm going to the bar tonight. This time I'm going to try to stay sober, or sober enough. Who knows? Maybe I'll make a friend. Maybe I'll run into Kit. I hope Pamela isn't there, although I don't think there is much to worry about. I think she respected my decision to break it off.

So, I need to make some friends. Challenging but possible. I just have to get out of my shell and open up a bit.

Other than going to the bar, there is not much I want to do. I play bass a little, but I think it has really stalled. I'm not learning as quickly and I don't think my heart is really in it. I could go biking, but that is something Lori and I did together, so bad memories there. Well, actually, they are good memories that turn sour.

At least I'm not thinking of killing myself anymore. I don't know why my mind goes there. It is just another pattern that I want to be rid of.

I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow. I haven't been since before Lori left me. I guess I'm going to have to explain myself. Not sure that I will tell the whole truth though. I hate being judged. I was judged enough by Lori, Andy, Ivy, Lori's parents, Hank, and who knows who else? I suppose I deserved it, but it sucked and I don't want to go through it again. Life is hard enough without that burden.

Alone again. Sure, I have my family and Jay, but I don't talk to them that often. I could do better in that area of my life. But, I tend to isolate myself or so my doctor says. She has asked me if I am afraid of rejection and I have said no, but that might be a lie. It's hard to get inside my head, which is funny because I am inside my head all the time.

## April 15, 1995. Austin, TX

I'm buying a house here in Austin. Won't close until May 1st. It's a nice place, kinda modern, with an amazing back yard and pool. Four bedrooms, which is more than I need, four baths, living room, family room, a study which is actually large enough for all my bass stuff. The home is located near the center of Austin, which is great.

The house was renovated last year in anticipation of a sale, so there isn't much work to be done. Just paint on the walls, furniture and the usual decorations.

I came here on a lark, hoping it would be as good as I had heard, and it was. First, it isn't an expensive place to live. Second, there is a lot to do. Third, it isn't a huge city. I would be lost in a place like New York or Atlanta.

So, I put my place in Seattle on the market. The realtor there says it should sell quickly.

I considered giving Seattle a chance, but in the end decided that I had sullied my memories of the place too much. While Austin won't heal my wounds, it might distract me enough that the healing process won't be as painful.

I've already scoped the area and have found a potential location for another bar. I'm pretty sure I'm going to do it. Just need to do research, as usual. I need to think of a name too. Harrigan's might not go over well here. Nor do I think The Lost Retreat would work. Maybe I need a Texas kind of name, like...like I don't know. Crap, I hate it when I get blocked. I'll figure out the name.

Anyway, the location is on 6th Street, a hopping area with a number of bars. Lots of bands play there, so it is full of energy, which is just what I need.

I'm tempted to sign a lease for the space now, so someone else doesn't get it. So, maybe I'll call the agent for a look. If its in good shape I'll probably take it. Even if it needs a lot of work I'll probably take it. It is a really good location.

Lori and I are divorced now. In the end it didn't hit me that hard financially. She didn't really want anything, and is doing well enough with her book sales. Actually, she is doing much better than either she or I had thought she would.

I've talked to her a couple of times. She is done with her third book and it is already in the publisher's hands. She wrote it pretty quickly. Said she became very focused after our split. She seems happy, which is what I had hoped. She isn't bitter at all and doesn't turn the screws on me when we talk. That has helped me recover more than anything else.

Now, looking forward, I see the potential to really pick up the pieces. I just need to stay on top of myself and not run amok. I have a tendency to do that when I'm less clear headed.

I hired an accountant to do the books for Harrigan's and The Lost Retreat. I was getting sick of doing it, and the cost to have someone else do it wasn't that great. The bars are profitable, after all, and there is money enough to get some of the management of things in other hands.

I'm going to hit 6th Street tonight. Go see a band or two and knock back a few beers. The music scene here is not just country bumpkin shit. There are some pretty cool, more modern bands playing. I think the Butthole Surfers might have come from here, but I could be wrong. I'd like to see them play. Actually, they might have come from San Antonio. Hard to keep track of things like that. Still, good bands here. Should be a good night.

## May 8, 1995. Austin, TX

So, I'm moved in to my house and I have leased the spot on 6th Street. I have an offer on my house in Seattle, but it is on the low side. My realtor says I should counter close to my asking price and throw in closing costs. I hate to lose money, but I really want to be rid of the place.

I decided on a name for the bar, The Last Bastion. At least that is the name I like now. I'm sure it will change, but I need to decide soon, I think.

The bar is in an old brick building in the center of all the action. I think it used to be someone's home way back when, but I'm not sure. The space is in good shape, so I won't have to spend a fortune setting it up.

Have hired a contractor to do the work, a guy named Glen. He's a local. Nice guy. He had renovated one of the other bars on the street. I visited the bar and was impressed, so he got the job.

I'm going to make the place modern without making it stuffy, if that makes any sense. I'll still have a wooden bar, but it will be stained black as will the seats and tables. Glen is going to put in a stage, so I can have bands come in. He said that I had more than enough space for it.

The work is going to take a couple of months. It's not going to cost that much, overall, so I'm pretty happy.

The only bad thing is that my dad isn't here to help out. He did all the paperwork in the past. Plus, he was very supportive of me, and I miss that sorely. He'd be proud of me for doing this. I'm sure he is less proud of me for what I did to Lori. All I can do at this point is ask for forgiveness.

I'm going to go to the Don's Depot tonight and see what that's all about. Glen recommended it. I probably will hit some other places too. We'll see.

I have to find a new doctor now. My old one couldn't refer me to anyone, unfortunately. I have enough medicine to last a while. If I run out it shouldn't be a problem. I am in a good place right now, so I'm not going to go off the deep end.

I ran into Andy before I left Seattle. He was pretty friendly. He and Ivy got married. He knew I was moving and wished me luck. Short conversation, but somewhat of a relief. I thought he and Ivy hated me. Maybe he does and he's just being nice. Hard to tell and there's no point thinking about it too much. The damage was done and nothing can be taken back.

I love my new pool. Have been swimming every day, although the water is a bit cold. I wonder if I can get it modified so it is heated. That's worth looking into.

Have been playing bass lately. I found a new teacher. Nice guy. Name is Dale. He is in one of the local bands. Kinda punk rock. He is an amazing bass player. He can play with a pick or his fingers. I can't play with a pick. It wears my arm out when I do. So, I told him I wanted to learn Rush songs and he picked up his bass and knocked out _YYZ_ , a favorite of mine. I'm not ready for it though. Dale said if I practiced at least two to three hours a day, I would get to a point in the not too distant future where I could play the more advanced stuff. Two to three hours is a lot, but I've been giving it my best. The only problem is my fingers are getting worn out. I'm afraid I am going to get blisters if I push too hard.

So, off to the clubs tonight. Maybe I'll meet some people. I need to meet some people. I can't be alone anymore.

Oh yeah, Tony Pina is still an asshole. I haven't thought about him in a long long time, but I did today.

## July 10, 1995. Austin, TX

The Last Bastion opened last night. It drew in a pretty big crowd. We didn't have a band, but we will next Friday. Some group called Toaster. Funny name. I heard they were pretty good, so I'm looking forward to it.

The bar is covered with all this rock paraphernalia that I picked up on a recent visit to New York. I had been getting bored waiting for the bar to be done and I decided to take a little trip to the big city. Jay came along for the ride. He had never been to New York before.

We went on a serious pub-crawl there, hitting places all over Manhattan and a couple in Queens. I don't remember much of it, but I remember the O'Neill brothers, two Irish guys visiting relatives in New York from some place called Dingle in Ireland.

These guys were absolutely nuts. Jay and I could barely keep up with them. They had this way of constantly insulting you, but only in jest. I don't remember some of the names they called me and Jay and even each other. It was a riot.

We ended up getting kicked out of a couple of places for our boisterous behavior, but none of us really gave a shit about that. At one point, Adrian O'Neill saw a pile of garbage bags on the sidewalk and dove into them. Who knows what could have been in those bags? I thought John O'Neill was going to do the same, but instead, he pushed Adrian back into the pile when he got up. Luckily, Jay and I were spared.

So, we went to many bars and were terribly crippled by the alcohol, to the point where Jay and I couldn't find our hotel at the end of the night. Instead, we stumbled around the city seeing what we could of the sights.

Finally, we found our way back to the hotel and crashed. We took it easy after that.

That was New York. I don't feel the need to go back there again. It was interesting, but kind of dirty and noisy. Everyone bumps into you and you go through areas where there are terrible smells. At least, that is my memory of it.

Now, the bar is decorated up pretty nicely. I even hung a picture of me and my dad over the bar. I'll have to do that in the other bars now that I think of it.

The Last Bastion. Strong opening night. I'm feeling good about this one. It is a great location and there are a lot of people about.

I have four bartenders. Bill, Andrew, Price, and Heidi. Price is my manager. All of them are from these parts and all have worked in the bars in the area. Price is solid. Older. Knows how to take care of things and I can tell he is a no bullshit kind of guy. Bill, Andrew and Heidi are all younger than me, but seem to have it together.

Of course, I have to comment on Heidi a bit. Red hair, big boobs, a sweet ass and a growly voice. She is something else. I would never make a play for her though since she is an employee. My dad says you don't shit where you eat, and by that I think he means you don't date your employees. Not sure, but it came up in a conversation about Georgia once.

Anyway, I am really liking Heidi. You never know. Something like that could work if I didn't fuck it up. But, then all of my relationships have been disasters, so maybe not. Whatever the case, I get to look at her and that might be enough.

I met a couple of people at last night's opening, Travis and Dean. Dean is clearly gay, which is fine, of course, but he is really obvious about it. Travis, I don't know. They came in together so maybe they are a couple. Anyway, nice guys and fun to hang out with. They ended up closing the bar and were more than a little drunk by the end of the night. I didn't really get slammed, but I was feeling it. So, they are going to come back tonight and we'll shoot the shit.

They said they are going to bring a couple of friends with them, which I definitely welcome. I need to meet as many people as possible. I haven't done that in the past, but now is the time.

## July 11, 1995. Austin, TX

Another good night, even better than the opening. Travis and Dean showed up with friends in tow. I think the names are Bebe, Jolene, Chris, and Jake. I have to admit I was pretty drunk.

Bebe is older, maybe twenty-eight. She is a real joker. Always has something witty to say. She is also rather heavy. I'd say she is pushing two hundred. Jolene is as thin as Lori with these dark as all hell eyes. She isn't much of a talker, but seems nice enough. Then Chris and Jake, twin brothers. They are pretty much the same person, although they did get into a disagreement over something. I think it was about Van Halen. Not sure.

So, we all hung out at one of the larger tables. Dean kept talking about porn, which I found rather odd. Bebe played into it. Apparently the two of them watch porn together. I didn't ask, of course, but I wonder what kind of porn it is. The others joined in to that conversation a little and then broke off into their own discussions. Mostly, I talked to Travis. He is pretty centered. Works as a photocopier repair man. Hates his job, but doesn't know what else he would do. He works for his father, so I guess he has job security at least.

I did talk to Jolene a bit. She is a nurse. Works at the hospital. Long hours and odd hours. She doesn't get out much.

Chris and Jake are both grad students at the university. I have no clue what they are studying, but I know they also teach some classes. I've never known any twins and I've always wondered if they can be that alike. They can.

We had a great night, and I can tell that I have found some friends. Now, I just need to keep them. But, that shouldn't be a problem. I've learned my lessons the hard way and don't want to go back to feeling like a complete pile of shit.

I'm going to be in town for a week and then I'm going to head back to Florida. This time I'm going to drive. I've never driven any long distance and think it will be cool to put the top down and make my way to Florida. It should be an easy trip, but I don't know how long it will take. Maybe a couple of days to get to West Palm. On the way, I figure I'll stop in some of the nicer places and see the sights. I don't know what places those are, but I'm sure I'll find them. I've heard Tallahassee is a pretty good party town. Maybe Mobile is too. Not sure. I haven't heard much about Mobile.

I'm going to stay down there for a week or so. Spend some time with Jay and Nara. Visit my mom. My brother is going to be there. I guess I'll spend some time with him too. Maybe I'll take him to Harrigan's and get him drunk. I'm sure he has some stories to tell, although I don't want to hear anything about him trying to make partner.

My mom is still dating that guy. I don't know if it is serious or if he is just someone to spend some time with. She doesn't talk about it much, so who knows?

I haven't heard from my sister in a while. I know school is good and that she broke it off with her girlfriend after she caught her kissing some guy. Surprising, but what the hay. She has been getting straight A's, which is pretty cool. Says she wants to get her PhD, which seems like a huge investment in time, and a lot of torture if I know anything about being a PhD candidate. I've heard that the professors drive the PhD candidates like slaves, having the candidates do research for them and teach their classes. Tons of fun.

Another big night tonight. Going to have the gang there, except Jolene. Too bad she can't come. Would be nice to talk to her again. She seemed pretty sharp.

## July 23, 1995. West Palm Beach, FL

The drive here was boring as shit, with one highlight. I really dug Tallahassee. The bars around campus were pretty cool and the people were a lot of fun. I especially liked Poor Paul's, a tiny place in a basement, smokey and loud. I played pool with a couple of guys, but most of the time just drank at the bar.

Including the two days in Tallahassee, the trip took four days. So, not so bad, but not something that I want to do again. I got pretty sick of driving and I'm thinking I might fly back to Austin and have my Jeep shipped.

I've been spending most of my time with Nara. A lot of time actually. It's interesting how the pain she caused me has faded, almost to the point of not existing. And now, we're having fun. We've been to dinner twice and have spent every night at Harrigan's.

She showed me her new place which is nice enough but definitely not luxurious. But, she seems happy with it and has all of those paintings we bought ages ago hanging on the walls.

She got a new job working for a brokerage in the area. Pays really well, apparently. She is taking night classes. Art History and some other stuff. Says she would like to have a gallery some day.

We had a moment together that I am unsure of. We were having a serious conversation about our lives and she told me that her biggest regret was that she didn't see how important I was to her until it was too late. She said she had relied on me for so much, but never really appreciated it.

I wasn't sure what to think of that and still don't know what it means. If she wants to get back together, it is a strange way of doing it. Maybe she is just testing the waters. Whatever the case, I thanked her for saying it. I guess it's nice to be acknowledged, even if only in an ambiguous way.

I have to ask myself, could I ever get back together with Nara? Do I love her? I'm pretty sure I do. I can remember moments that were wonderful, especially that day at the beach when we just held hands in silence. I know I really loved her once, but still wonder if I didn't love an idea more than the person. But then, isn't that what love is to some extent? An ideal, the dream of something unmarred by the external world. I suppose I am not intelligent enough to get it, or I would already have my answer.

Whatever the case, I am going to continue to spend time with her. I'm not going to leave West Palm until I have an answer, no matter how long that takes.

I have forgiven Nara and have forgiven myself for how I treated her, and I think she has forgiven me as well. That's pretty big in my book. I just have to know if I love her enough to try again.

In other news, I met Jay's latest girlfriend, Wendy. I approve. Not that it matters much. Jay seems to go through girlfriends like a goat goes through grass. Whatever he wants is fine with me.

Tonight it's dinner with Nara, Jay, and Wendy. Then we're going to Harrigan's. I hope Jay isn't getting sick of Harrigan's. Maybe he likes other bars more. After all, we get a kind of corporate clientele. Sure, we get the drunks and normal Joes, but a lot of the people are pretty white collar. Jay and I might dress nicely sometimes, but we are definitely not white-collar guys.

## August 18, 1995. Austin, TX

It wasn't an easy decision by any measure, but it is one I am happy with. Nara and I are back together. I think this time, things will be much different. I think this time, we both have respect for each other, and I know we love each other. My only regret is that I haven't been honest with Nara about what happened between Lori and me. All I told her was that we were very different and it didn't work out, which is a complete fabrication. Lori and I were similar on many levels, more similar than Nara and me.

I should have been honest, and maybe I should just tell her, but I am afraid of doing that. Still, it's not like Nara wouldn't get it. After all, she cheated on me. It's just that I don't want her to doubt me and my faithfulness. Shitty situation.

So, Nara has moved in and has brought all the paintings along with her. It has brought much needed color to the walls and a positive atmosphere.

I introduced Nara to the gang at the bar and she seems to be fitting in just fine. She and Jolene have really hit it off. Bebe doesn't seem that interested in Nara. To be frank, she doesn't seem all that interested in anyone other than Dean. I wonder if she is trying to get him to come over to the heterosexual side. I don't think it will happen, but what do I know?

I told my family about Nara. My mother is concerned and thinks I need to be really careful. Once a cheater, always a cheater according to her. Little does she know? My sister and brother didn't seem shocked by the news. They knew all along how much I liked Nara. Hell, I have been in love with her since I was a kid.

So, now, we are moving along, trying to find the right rhythm. It is a little awkward, but I think that is because we have been apart so long and because so much has happened in our lives. I'm sure things will settle soon. I'm looking forward to that.

Yesterday, I took Nara on a pub-crawl. We went to several bars, finally landing at The Last Bastion. Some of the gang was there. Mostly we just talked about shit that was going on in the world. I'm not much for current events, but I can hold my own in conversations. Still, I tried to steer the conversation to things I actually knew something about.

The twins were obsessing over Bill Gates, who apparently is worth over twelve billion dollars. So he is over a thousand times richer than I am. It's difficult to comprehend. You could buy a small country for that, I bet.

Travis was talking a lot about some girl he'd met. I asked him if he had slept with her yet and he declined to answer. Such a gentleman. I am guessing he did though. He strikes me as somewhat of a player.

Then we came home and for the first time since we got back together, we had sex. This time it wasn't fucking, which was a big relief because I was pretty worried that it would be like that. This was actually pretty passionate stuff. Again, a big relief, one step closer to having things all in order.

I'm wondering if Nara and I would ever marry again. It doesn't seem like a terrible idea, but maybe it is best if we didn't go down that path. We are happy enough as we are and I think we will grow even happier together. Anyway, I've been married twice now, and two times is probably enough. Of course, I can be impulsive and when I'm impulsive I make some crazy decisions, so it is quite possible that we will get married unless Nara has an objection to it. Something tells me she wouldn't. Just my gut.

In other news, I learned how to play _Ramble On_ by Led Zeppelin. Not so difficult, although I'm not spot on with it.

## November 18, 1995. Austin, TX

It has been a while, but not because things have been bad. Quite the opposite. Today I learned Nara is pregnant. I never asked if she was on the pill, and she never told me, so I guess all is fair. I'm happy. This is a really good thing that will help me settle down and find my center.

The doctor says she is eight weeks into it, which puts conception at around September eighteenth. I have no idea what was going on around then, but I know it was good times.

Nara and I got over our awkward phase pretty quickly and settled into domestic life. We work well together and have a lot of fun. Most of the time we just hang out, watching movies or biking. The memories of Lori and me biking don't bother me when we do. Lori is a very distant memory now.

Nara has been painting a lot lately, and I must say she is getting pretty good at it. She spent three days out in the yard last week with her easel painting a picture of the house. It's pretty good although a bit abstract for my tastes. She has also painted several portraits of me and a self-portrait that was beyond bizarre. But, that's her thing.

We have talked about opening a gallery, which I think is a good idea. It will give her something to do other than spending every waking minute with me. Not that that is a bad thing. I'm an awesome guy, after all. But, it's nice to have a break.

I've been playing bass basically non-stop and it is really paying off. Dale is impressed at least. He says if I keep going like this I could be in a band. That would be something. I think it would really work for me.

I'm seeing a doctor now and I've been on my meds, so I have had no problems other than a brief period of almost manic behavior. Ended up buying five basses. But that's nothing. My study is running out of room and I might have to take over one of the bedrooms.

My new doctor, Doctor Phil, is a pretty loose guy. Has a real twisted sense of humor, which works for me, since I do too. He thinks I am doing well and says I am "owning it." By that I think he means I am taking control of things and not letting myself fall into the traps I used to fall into. I've been pretty honest with him. He knows that I have a tendency to stop taking my meds and to go way off into the deep end. I'm very much inclined to stay on my meds though. I know what damage I can do when unchecked and I really don't want to repeat any of my past mistakes. The memories of what I did to Lori have not faded and probably never will.

The bars are doing well, especially The Last Bastion. That place really rakes it in. It helps that we have been able to get some really good bands to play. I should bring more bands into the other bars.

Nara and I are still hanging out with the gang. Nara and Jolene are basically best friends now, which is great for both of them. I spend more time with Travis than anyone else. He's been doing well. That girl he had talked about months ago is now his girlfriend. Her name is Traci. That's not one of my favorite names, but I'm not judging her for it. It's better than Nikki or Sheila. But the Nikki's, Sheila's and Traci's of this world are not to blame. It's their horrible parents that should be held accountable. Anyway, I haven't met Traci yet. Travis says he is going to bring her in, but she works nights, so he's not sure when.

Life is good. I finally feel like I am in control and happy and able to be a good person. I don't remember feeling this way before. I mean, I guess there was a period when I was with Lori, but that was short lived, or maybe that is what I want to think. Maybe that was the happiest I've ever been.

It's all good news. I can't wait for tomorrow.

## December 25, 1995. Austin, TX

Merry Christmas... And it is pretty merry, just Nara and me hanging out. We opened all our presents last night. Only the Santa presents are opened in the morning, and Santa doesn't come to our house.

We didn't go crazy. Honestly, we both have more than we could ever want and there is little point in cluttering up the house with useless crap. So we kept it simple, or simple enough. I went to one of the art supply stores in the area and bought her a full set of Windsor and Newton oil paints. Expensive, but something she will definitely use. I forget how much that cost. A lot. Then there is the lingerie, some naughty clothes. My favorite are the crotchless panties. I don't know what use they are in everyday life, but they will be fun in the bedroom.

Nara bought me this cool watch. I love watches. This one has something called a skeleton dial that allows you to see the inner workings of the watch, all the gears and stuff. It is self-winding too, which is nice. Not sure how it works though. It's probably my favorite watch, even better than my IWC, which is probably a lot more expensive.

I found Jay an autographed copy of _Sargent Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band._ The record wasn't in great shape, but it was still pretty valuable. I got it in an estate auction. There were tons of cool things, but nothing like this. Jay loves it, of course, and has framed it and hung it on the wall in his studio.

Jay sent me a sixties P-Bass in mint condition. All original hardware, no scratches or dings. It has a sunburst finish, which I really like. He sent Nara a set of first edition art books, some dating pretty far back. Nara was thrilled.

Other than that it was small things.

In other news, David Cone signed a nineteen million dollar three year contract with the Yankees. I really should have stuck with baseball. I had a really solid fastball and my batting was actually pretty good. Who knows what could have happened? Nineteen million dollars. Pretty impressive.

And even more interesting is my mother's life. Her boyfriend has moved in with her. I didn't know it was that serious. Also, I wonder why she didn't move into his place and sell our house. Maybe the guy isn't as wealthy as she is. Anyway, the whole thing makes me kind of uncomfortable. I think it's still too close to my father's death.

My sister is going to come down here next month for a long weekend. This will be the first time she has come to my house, or to any house I've owned. I think she has a new girlfriend. Wonder if she'll bring her.

My brother has yet another new girlfriend. He says this time it's serious. Well, pal, wasn't it serious each time you were engaged? I swear he is hopeless.

Then we have some drama at The Last Bastion. A fight broke out there the other night. Well, it was more like a brawl. Police, arrests, and a terrible mess afterwards. Nobody knows what started it. Luckily Hank was able to break it up before it went totally out of control. Hank is a big guy. No one to mess with. I think he knows karate. Anyway, I wasn't there, thankfully.

I don't want the bar to get a bad reputation, but I'm not sure I know how to prevent this kind of shit. It's not easy keeping drunk people in check. Maybe I should have the bartenders be more careful about serving drunk people. There are a lot of good reasons to do that. So, I will talk to them and see what they think.

Georgia quit Harrigan's. She decided to go back to school. She is going to study business management, which I think she will be good at. After all, she did a great job managing Harrigan's. She will be done next week. In the mean time, I placed ads in the local papers. I'm getting a lot of calls and scheduling interviews with Georgia and myself for next week. Didn't really want to go to West Palm, but I have to.

The Lost Retreat continues to do well. No drama. I haven't been there since I left Seattle, and I know I need to go, but something is holding me back. Maybe I'm worried about possibly seeing Lori or Pamela. Maybe there are too many memories. Whatever the case, it's something I have to do. Nara can come along. That will make it easier.

Speaking of Lori. She has been on my mind lately. Mostly I am remembering the good times, although some thoughts have been about my infidelity. I'm still terribly embarrassed and ashamed. The only good thing about it is that I'm pretty certain I won't ever do that again.

## January 20, 1996. Seattle, WA

In Seattle...Nara and I are going to be leaving tomorrow. So far, I've just given her the twenty-dollar tour. Showed her my old house. She has seen the bar. Not much else I want to do here.

Tonight we're going to hang out at the bar and then crash early at the hotel. Early flight in the morning.

I haven't seen Lori, and I guess I didn't expect to. I can't imagine that she hangs out at the bar. There are plenty of others around and I think my place wouldn't exactly bring back good memories.

When we return to Austin it will be life as usual. Nara and I are happy, maybe happier than Lori and I were, which is saying something. We spend a lot of time together, but also have enough time to ourselves to keep from going crazy.

My sister came to Austin for her long weekend. She didn't bring her girlfriend. Nor did she mention her. So, maybe that is over. It's hard to tell, because my sister isn't much of a talker. Mostly, she keeps to herself. She wasn't always that way. When she was a kid, you couldn't shut her up. I swear she used to annoy the crap out of me. But, now I think she was a cute kid, full of spunk.

I hired the replacement for Georgia. Name is Keith. He managed two other bars in Miami and had amazing references. So, he is in charge now. I said my goodbyes to Georgia before I left West Palm. It was strange. I actually got kind of choked up, which is really odd because I didn't know Georgia all that well. Still, she was really good and always friendly and funny, so I must have formed some sort of attachment. That or I am just an emotional guy. Take your pick.

Nara asked me if I thought we would see Lori here. I said I didn't think so and asked her why she cared. Nara thinks I might still have a thing for Lori, which is true to some small extent. I told her that I probably have some feelings for Lori, but that it is definitely over. The truth is that it is only over because Lori ended it, and if she hadn't ended it we would still be together and probably would be pretty happy. But, I didn't say that to Nara. No need to make her feel bad.

I learned how to play Rush's song _Territories._ Awesome bass line in that song. I still don't have it perfect, mainly because there is a part that is ridiculous to play, but I am getting close. I played it for Dale and he was impressed. Then he tried to show me an easier way to play it. Of course he knew how to play it. Pretty much any song I have named he has been able to play. That's where I want to be with my playing. Just have to keep practicing.

My brother, God bless him, announced his engagement to girlfriend number eight thousand. They are planning on a June wedding. I don't know why he has to do it in June. That is when the other weddings were planned for. So, I think it's bad luck. But I won't tell him that. He is too stubborn to listen to reason. I don't think it will happen anyway. If it does, I will give him ten thousand dollars towards his divorce expenses as a wedding gift. I don't know if I will tell him what it is for though. Best to keep it secret.

In other news I have been hearing about this thing called the internet where you can connect your computer to millions of other computers. I guess the idea has been kicked around for some time now, but this is the first time I have heard about it. I wonder if it has games you can play. There are these things called websites that you can go to that have all sorts of information on them. Sounds cool. I guess I am behind the times just a little.

## February 14, 1996. Austin, TX

I've decided to go back to college. I'm going to study computer engineering. I'm hoping I won't have to take my SATs again, because I don't know how I would do at this point.

One reason I want to do this is because the computers at the university are hooked up to the internet. Another reason is that I want to learn how to create games. Last, I want to someday start my own business creating games.

I'm hoping I can get in for the summer. Not sure if I have missed any deadlines yet. It's a new idea.

You know...another reason I want to do this is because it would make my father proud. He always wanted me to get a degree and I know he was disappointed when I dropped out of Georgia Tech and then the community college. So, there you have it.

Today is Valentine's Day. Flowers, kisses, dinner, kisses, and a little nookie. Rather than buying Nara some cheap card, I wrote her a note telling her how much I loved her and how happy I was with our relationship. Funny thing. She did the same. It was kind of emotional and in that moment, I almost asked her to marry me again, but I decided to slow down and make sure that was what I really wanted. I'd hate to fuck up what we have.

I don't even know if Nara would want to get married. She never talks about it. Neither do I. So, maybe it isn't an important thing for either of us.

But, she is pregnant and maybe it is more proper to be married if you have children. I don't know and I'm not one to judge. Just have to think about it.

Speaking of pregnancy, it's a boy! We've decided for now to name him Will. I like that name, although my first choice was Jack. But Nara thought that was a bad idea given that was what I wanted to name the first baby. So, I caved and agreed to Will.

Nara is already picking out colors and decorations for Will's room. To me that means she isn't worried about losing this baby. I think if she was worried about that she would be doing less until she was sure it is going to work out. My gut tells me it is going to work out, so I don't have any reservations about preparing.

My mom is really excited about the baby, of course. She took me aside last time I visited and asked me if she should talk about the baby, which she really wanted to do. I guess after Nara's miscarriage there is some doubt in my mom's mind about whether or not things will work out. Anyway, I told her it was fine to talk about the baby but maybe not go overboard.

All of this baby stuff has brought back some difficult memories. Nara's miscarriage really hit hard and I don't think I've ever fully recovered from it. It doesn't matter if it was my baby or not. I thought it was for a long time, and in some way I became attached. Thus, the feeling of loss was great.

But, enough bad stuff. Things are good. Really good and I am quite happy. I am lucky to have what I have. I think Nara feels the same way. She doesn't say it, but it comes through in her actions and tone. She doesn't sulk like she used to. Sometimes she breaks into song. Other times she jumps me and does funny, mean, girlish things to me. It's all good, every last bit of it.

## April 5, 1996. Austin, TX

Well, I'm connected to the internet and now have access to a lot of cool shit, I suppose, though I'm not so sure what to do with it yet. On my computer I have this program called Netscape that allows me to view web pages. The real trick is finding them. But there is this site called Yahoo that has this directory of websites that you can search, so I am using that to find stuff.

Mostly I have been searching for games or anything about games, and I have been searching for information about Dungeons and Dragons, but I don't see much there.

The bottom line is there are a good many websites out there. Most of them aren't really interesting to me, but I'm sure that will change over time. I'm guessing there will be many more websites in the future.

Now I just need to find some games, although I have a new one now called _Elder Scrolls: Arena_ , a fantasy game that is too difficult for my tastes, but still pretty cool.

Have been spending a lot of time doing very little other than goofing around on the internet. Not sure why. Just kind of bored and don't know what to do with myself. I play bass and go on the computer, but little else. Nara has been bored too. I guess both of us have run out of things to do or something. I hope it's not a sign of problems.

Going to head up to Seattle tomorrow. Check in on things. Nara can't come. She has painting classes.

Nara asked me what I would do if I ran into Lori. I told her it was unlikely and that even if I did, nothing would come of it. That is true, of course, but I think I would probably have a long conversation with Lori. I still feel like I need to apologize. I need some sort of closure. You would think that I already would have closure. After all, I am in a great relationship and am going to have a kid soon. What sort of closure is necessary between Lori and I? I don't know. But, the bottom line is I have no intention of seeking Lori out. It is pointless to do so and can only lead to trouble.

So, Seattle tomorrow and then West Palm on the 8th. Then, back home. I'll have to find something to do when I get home. The boredom is killing me.

## April 7, 1996. Seattle, WA

Well, I haven't run into Lori, but I did run into Pamela. It was awkward, but I handled myself well. I didn't even consider for a minute cheating on Nara. However, I did spend a good amount of time with Pamela. I don't feel bad about it though, since I really didn't do anything inappropriate.

Now I'm back home. Flying to West Palm tomorrow. There should be no temptation there, which is good because Nara won't be coming.

Not much else to write about. Still bored. Hopefully, I'll get some ideas soon.

## May 16, 1996. Austin, TX

Getting close to Nara's due date. So far everything has gone smoothly. I'm feeling confident about this now. Not that I had that many doubts before. I mean, maybe a little, but not overwhelming.

So, the due date is June 14th, basically a month away. We've finished preparing Will's room, have all of the necessary supplies, and are now twiddling our thumbs waiting for it to be over.

We've been doing a lot more lately. Had everyone over for a party last week. That was pretty good, although Dean got sloshed and fell into the pool. It was funny sorta. After Dean took a dive, Bebe followed with a giant cannonball. Soon, the rest of us were in the pool, only not with our clothes on. So, a fun time.

I spent the day with Nara yesterday, shopping and just hanging out. It was good. We had kind of been isolating ourselves. Or, maybe it was me isolating myself. Not sure, but we reconnected and I'm in a better place today.

I guess it is easy for me to go into my own world and shut everything else out. Maybe I was doing that the first time I was with Nara. Maybe that is why she cheated. It's hard to remember. Actually, my memories of the past in general are not that clear. I don't know why that is, and I hope it won't be that way forever, especially with little Will coming. I want to remember everything about his childhood. Makes me wonder how much my mother remembers of mine. Maybe not so much.

I just have to keep remembering that overall things have been good. Cling to the good and sweep away the bad. Otherwise I will have problems.

Going to the bar with Nara tonight. I think Travis and the others will be there. Should be fun.

## June 18, 1996. Austin, TX

Ruptured aortic aneurysm. That's what killed Nara twelve hours after the birth of Will.

My mother is here, helping me with Will and doing her best to console me, but I am inconsolable. Devastated. Depressed. Angry. Why couldn't they save her?

I had finally found happiness and was on the right track. I was excited about my new son and a future together with him and Nara. Everything was going to be perfect.

Now, I am facing being a single father. I haven't the slightest idea what to do.

And when I hold Will and look into his eyes—Nara's eyes—I feel nothing but loss. I almost can't stand looking at him or holding him or even thinking about him. It is too grim a reminder of what shitty luck I have.

But, I have to keep it together. He is my son. I am responsible for him, for his happiness and his future.

Nara's parents are here. I have barely talked to them. I don't know what to say.

It is a sickening fate to have to lose someone you love. I was a wreck when my father died. This is much worse. I'm not sure why, but it is.

I've been doing my best with Will. Feeding him, changing diapers, trying to play with him and hopefully make him laugh, although I think he is too young for that. He doesn't cry much, which is good because I hate that sound, but I guess it is something I have to tolerate as a parent.

I'm not sleeping, so it doesn't bother me when Will wakes up in the night. Most of the time, I watch TV, avoiding the shows Nara and I used to watch.

So, my mother is going to stay out here for a while. She is going to help me find a nanny. That I will definitely need. I don't think I can do this on my own.

I don't know what can make me happy at this point. It all seems so bleak. Everything looks grey and all the sounds around me are deadened by my thoughts. This isn't what was supposed to happen. This isn't fair. I've been cursed.

# Sophie

## July 4, 1996. Austin, TX

Sophie Baker, my new nanny, has moved in. Early thirties, matron like, quiet. I like her. She is a good person, a caring person, and someone who truly loves children.

She is teaching me a lot about how to take care of Will, which is a big relief because I've been pretty lost.

Now, I am a master of changing diapers and burping. She even showed me this trick to help Will take a dump. I pump his legs. Kind of weird being a poop pumper.

Sophie is also doing all of the cooking, although I offered to do it. I didn't take those cooking classes for nothing. But, it is probably better this way. Sophie is a great cook.

It seems my only real job in the house now is doing my part with Will.

The pain of losing Nara hasn't abated. If anything it's worse. But, I am trying to stay functional and to even crack a smile every now and then.

At night, after Will goes to sleep, and on nights that aren't Sophie's nights to go out, I head over to the bar. I'm drinking a lot, but I'm not losing control.

Travis and the others were hit hard by Nara's death. They have kept me company and have been some relief from the pain. So, I have that going for me.

And, when I'm not taking care of Will or at the bar, I'm out on my bike. I've been taking long rides. Clears my head a little and keeps me from being too soft. Well, I'm on the computer a lot too.

Other than all of that, it is taking things slowly and trying not to fuck up. I'm seeing Dr. Phil tomorrow for the first time since Nara died. I'm sure I'll be a blubbering idiot. Can't be helped though. I have to cry at some point.

I've been having flashbacks, visions of moments with Nara. They are overpowering at times forcing me to sit and breathe. Just breathe. I don't know if they will ever stop, but I hope they will. What I had with Nara was wonderful. So wonderful that looking back is unbearable.

I've been all over the internet. Different types of sites. I'll read pretty much anything at this point. Any distraction is a good thing.

I had an erection in bed this morning. I didn't do anything about it. It just made me sad. I can't think about sex at this point. It is the last thing I want to do.

So, no sleep, misery, agitation, no sex drive, grief, and a host of other wonderful things. I know Nara wouldn't want it this way, but it can't be helped.

## October 14, 1996. Austin, TX

Will is four months old now. Funny kid. He laughs all the time. Likes clapping his hands together. He actually made a sound that might have been a word. It was "muh." I kept saying it back to him but he didn't repeat it. He probably thought I was crazy.

Will has really helped me start to feel better. I think part of it is the way he looks at me. It is a very intense stare. Usually, after a few seconds of this, he laughs. Other times, he will start hiccupping uncontrollably. I take him out and try to burp him, but that doesn't seem to help. However, when Sophie does the same thing, Will stops hiccupping. Sophie is much better at all of this than I am.

I've been spending more time with Will. At first, feeling like the worst kind of crap, I was distant. I wasn't being a good father. But, Sophie intervened and brought me closer to Will. Now, I think its good. I'm being a good father and I am really enjoying my time with Will. Sophie has made me more confident about being a father. I'm really glad I hired her.

She is an odd person. Studied to be a teacher, but realized she wanted to be a nanny because she did a lot of babysitting while in school. It's not a high paying job by any measure, but that doesn't matter to her. She has a place to live, a child, and still gets to get out and have a life.

She doesn't have a boyfriend and has said she isn't really interested in finding one. At least not yet. She also likes to read, mostly romance novels. I gave her a copy of Lori's book. Not sure if she'll read it.

The funny thing is, she kind of takes care of me. I like that. It softens the blow of Nara's death and it makes me feel loved. The thing is, other than my parents, really nobody has taken care of me. Not Nara, not Lori. Those weren't those types of relationships. Sophie seems to have taken on the role of a surrogate parent for me.

At first, I was uncomfortable with it. I didn't know what to make of it. But, she kept at it. Maybe a month ago I started liking it. Maybe this is what I need instead of a relationship.

I just hope she stays. I would hate for her to get bored and leave or to change careers. You never know what a person will do, even when they tell you what they are going to do.

So, life is evening out and I'm not in a funk as much. I am depressed, but I would call it a low-grade depression.

Dr. Phil says I seem to be keeping it together. He made me swear that I wouldn't drink anymore. He thinks someone with my condition should never drink. I agreed to it, but haven't kept my word. There is no way I can quit drinking. And anyway, I'm not drinking that much. Maybe I should have sworn that I wouldn't drink too much. That seems like a better way to put it. At least, it's more honest.

I've been spending a lot of time with the gang. Had a funny incident when we were all together where Dean dared me to kiss him. For the life of me, I don't know why he didn't ask Travis or someone else. But, he dared me and I surprised all of them when I did it. Now, I didn't slip him any tongue, but I did plant a solid kiss on him. After that, Dean went kind of quiet. I guess I showed him. Travis thought the whole thing was silly and said as much. Bebe kept telling me to do it again. Jolene could have cared less. The twins weren't fazed by it.

I just hope Dean doesn't think he is going to get any more out of me. I have a one-kiss limit for guys. Girls are another story.

That same night, I had a long conversation with Jolene. She was pretty broken up when Nara died. She told me that Nara, in the short time she knew her, had become one of her closest friends. That was nice to hear, mainly because Nara was never the type to have close friends.

I'm going to Seattle tomorrow for a couple of days. Checking in on things and just taking a break. I could have gone to West Palm, but strangely chose Seattle. I wonder if I'm hoping to see Lori, or perhaps Pamela. Hard to say. But, something tells me I have an ulterior motive.

## October 16, 1996. Seattle, WA

So, I ran into both Lori and Pamela in Seattle.

Lori is doing well. She has a new boyfriend. She said she's not mad and that she had already told me that. She asked me if I was taking my medicine and I told her that most of the time I do. I said I didn't ever want to do what I did to her again. I didn't tell her about Nara, and I'm not sure why. Maybe I didn't want her to think I didn't still love her. Anyway. It was pleasant enough and I got out of it unhurt. Well, maybe I was a little hurt by the news of her new boyfriend.

I saw Pamela at the bar. She was pretty wasted. I drank too much myself, and, of course, I brought her back to my hotel room. It was a wild night, and now I feel kind of dirty, like I did something wrong, although technically, I didn't.

I didn't tell Pamela about Nara either. Again, I don't know why. I just couldn't get it out of me, and I think I didn't want to spoil the mood so I could get in her pants. Not that it was all that challenging. I basically had an open invitation.

Tonight, I am going back to the bar to meet her. We are going to go out for dinner. I know I'll sleep with her again. It's comforting somehow, although all I can think about is Nara when we do it. Maybe that's not such a bad thing.

Other than that, not much going on. The bar is doing well, as usual. We've had a couple of bands play in the last month and that has drawn in large crowds. We also were written up as one of the top five bars in Seattle. That helps a lot.

Sophie called me this morning. Pamela was still in my hotel room. Sophie heard her talking to me and asked who it was. I told her it was a friend, which isn't far from the truth. You can have sex with your friends, right? Anyway, I don't think Sophie bought it. It was eight in the morning. Who has friends in their hotel room at eight in the morning unless they have spent the night banging them?

I think I should be feeling bad about hooking up with Pamela, but I'm not. Somehow it has cleared my head. It is a relief in many ways. I was beginning to think I would never want to be with anybody else. Maybe that is how my mom felt. Maybe her new man has relieved her of some amount of grief.

Not much else to report, really. The worst of it is over. I just have to keep away from the bad thoughts. Staying busy helps. Getting laid helps even more.

## October 17, 1996. Seattle, WA

Spent the night with Pamela in my hotel room. Lot's of fun. She had some pot, which we lit up. Made for an interesting time.

I'm at the airport now, waiting to board my plane. Overall, I think this was a good trip. I'm glad I decided to come here.

Back to Sophie and Will. Recharged and ready to be a dad again.

## November 30, 1996. Austin, TX

I've been talking to Pamela at lot lately. Seems we have more in common than I thought. I'm tempted to invite her to Austin, but I'm not sure what Sophie would think. I'm not sure I understand why that is a concern either. It's not like Sophie and I are a couple. Still, it could disturb things and change our relationship. So, I'm not going to do it.

I'll just go to Seattle more often. I hope Sophie doesn't mind that. After all, Will isn't her child, even if she treats him like he is.

I found out that Travis is gay yesterday, which was a huge surprise. He didn't want me to tell anyone, which I won't. I just don't understand why he claimed to have a girlfriend and why he talked about her all the time. I asked Travis if he and Dean had ever hooked up. He said, "No way. Dean is way too gay for me." Funny. But, I see his point. Dean is really over the top. But that has always been the way I viewed gay people. But, it's not the way of things. Travis seems to be completely heterosexual. I never would have guessed in a billion years that he was gay. Shows how little I know about people.

Travis also told me that Jolene is a lesbian. I'm not sure why he chose to tell me that. It's not like I care. Maybe he wanted to show that it's not so abnormal. But, is it abnormal? I guess maybe I've always thought that. But, now I am starting to see that a lot of people are gay and they can be very different. Again, I know so little and still have much in life to be surprised by.

I'm having all of them over to the house tonight. I thought it would be nice to include Sophie in things and let her meet some people. She doesn't seem to have many friends. Also, she isn't that much older than us, so she should fit right in. It makes me wonder. What if Sophie is gay and she is too embarrassed to admit it? And then, what if Sophie and Jolene end up liking each other? What would that be like? I have a really dirty mind, so I will stop right there. Well, I'll say one thing. The thought of Sophie and Jolene getting it on is a major boner maker.

I'm immature, I know. But, I'm a guy and I think all guys think like this, except for Jay maybe, and Travis and Dean. Well, maybe them too. Who knows? Still, I shouldn't be thinking of Sophie that way. She's far too nice for that.

New topic. College. Months ago I decided to go back to school. Then all sorts of shit went down and I never did it. Well, I applied to University of Texas. Haven't heard back yet. I think I have a decent chance of getting in. My grades at Georgia Tech were just okay, but I think good enough to get accepted when my SAT scores are taken into account. I hope I find out soon. Want to start ASAP. In the interim, I have gotten some programming books and am doing what I can to get ready.

Right now, I am studying C. It is pretty easy to pick up although there are some strange concepts that have to do with how things are stored and retrieved from memory. Pointers, I think. But, I'm getting it. I'm only writing simple programs, mostly examples from the books, sometimes some of the exercises. I think I'm doing it right, but won't really know until I have teachers.

I'm also back on the bass. Have been putting in a couple of hours a day. Haven't learned any new Rush songs, but I've picked up a bunch of others, like _A Hard Day's Night_ and _Come Together_ , which I really like even though it is pretty simple. I bought another bass, a used Gibson Recording Bass. Very vintage, very cool. I love the neck on it. So easy to play. So, I now have eighteen basses in my collection. I think my favorite is still my old Jazz Bass. It is so warm and the action on it is really low without any buzz on the frets.

And that's it for now. I'm stable. I haven't messed anything up. I don't think I'm going to mess anything up. I'm not, right? I guess that remains to be seen. Whatever the case, I'm okay now and I guess that's all that matters.

## December 25, 1996. West Palm Beach, FL

This is my first big trip with Will. I left Sophie back home to give her a break. I'm staying at my mother's house rather than my apartment. I could use the extra help with Will. I'm perfectly capable of handling things myself, of course. But, it's nice to give my mom time with Will.

She and her boyfriend broke up and he moved out. She didn't say what ended it. I'm relieved. I really didn't like the idea of her having a boyfriend. Maybe in another couple of years. I don't know.

Anyway, she is all over Will. You'd think he was her baby. This allows me to go out at night. I've been hitting Harrigan's. I'm not going nuts, but I am enjoying myself. I even met a couple of girls. Sisters, Jessica and Beth. Believe it or not, they are twins, and, yes, I can't tell them apart. They both go to Palm Beach Community College. No clue what they are studying.

They were both really touchy feely with me and with each other. At one point Beth asked me if I wanted to see them kiss, which caused me to have a rather embarrassing erection that I barely managed to hide with some pocket wrangling and a trip to the bathroom. Anyway, they did kiss, and it was with tongue. At that point I got the very strong impression that they were the type of girls that would be down for a threesome. Of course, I kept that to myself, although I really wanted to ask them about it.

I'm going to see them tomorrow tonight. We'll see how that goes. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to get into it with them. Actually, I desperately want to. They aren't pretty, but they aren't ugly either. Kind of plain, but when you factor in the kissing, they are hot as hell. So, looking forward to it. I hope my mom won't mind if I don't come back until tomorrow.

I should feel some guilt over this, perhaps. By that I mean, I probably shouldn't be screwing around so soon after Nara's death. But, I screwed around with Pamela and that didn't make me feel all that guilty. So, why not? Why shouldn't I have some fun?

You know, I looked back in this diary and I realized that I never mentioned my brother's wedding, or lack thereof. That's right, it didn't happen, but this time she broke up with him. I have no clue why. He has been single since then. I figure he'll lure in another sucker within a couple of months and we'll go through the same shit all over again. I swear I don't know why he doesn't just give up.

My sister is here. She brought her girlfriend. My mom wasn't the least bit bothered by it. I guess she is more liberal than I thought. Anyway, Patty, is pretty cool although her name makes me think of Peppermint Patty, my favorite Peanuts character.

Patty and my sister are going to hit the bars tomorrow and might stop by Harrigan's. It will be interesting to see what they have to say about Jessica and Beth, especially if Jessica and Beth are all over me like they were last night. Honestly, I don't think my sister will give a rat's ass about it. She'll probably cheer me on. She was one of the people that said I shouldn't get back together with Nara. She thought the whole infidelity thing was a showstopper. Little does she know that I was once a cheating bastard.

Sophie called today to wish me a merry Christmas. She asked if I needed her to come out to help out. Nice gesture, but totally unnecessary. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was just hanging out. I don't know what Sophie's family situation is. I've never asked. And now, after learning that she is just hanging out alone on Christmas, I am wondering if everything is okay with her. I don't know how to bring it up, though. Maybe I should mind my own business. But, maybe I should do something else, like call her and tell her I need her after all. I think that is why she asked, so I guess I am a doofus. I could call now and buy her a ticket. I think I should do that.

## December 27, 1996. West Palm Beach, FL

I was part of some serious incest last night. And, I have to say it was friggin' awesome. Beth and Jessica are absolute animals in bed. Nothing is off limits. They got it on with each other as hard as they did with me. I don't think I've ever had that many orgasms in one night. This is the stuff I dreamed about when I was younger.

It started at the bar. I came in early and had a few drinks. Then my sister and Patty showed up and we hung out for a while. Then Beth and Jessica arrived and all hell broke loose.

First of all, my sister and Patty were really into Beth and Jessica. In fact they did most of the talking, but through it all, Beth or Jessica, I don't know which or if it was both of them, was rubbing my crotch. It was like a scene from a porno without the cheesy music.

Eventually, my sister and Patty left and Beth and Jessica really turned it on. After a couple more drinks we went to my apartment and the fun began.

I could go into detail, but it wouldn't do it justice. The whole thing was just too unreal to describe. I'll say this, though. Having two girls blow you at the same time is just about as good as it can get. The only thing I didn't like was that one of them tried to stick her finger in my ass. That wasn't something I wanted, and I made that clear. Bad memories there.

And I didn't think of Nara(or Lori) even once. That might be a bad thing, but I think I wouldn't have been able to do it if I had been thinking of either one of them.

I returned to my mother's house after having breakfast with the twins and have been here taking care of Will while my mother is out shopping with Sophie. She didn't ask me about my night and neither did Sophie. I have to assume she knows I hooked up since I didn't come back until this morning. I don't think she cares.

I'm going to see Jay tonight, and maybe the twins if they show up. If they do, Jay will get an eye full. Maybe they'll ask Jay to join in. I don't know if he would do that, and frankly, it would make me more than a little uncomfortable.

Sophie seemed really happy I flew her out and gave me a giant hug when I picked her up at the airport. She has been spending most of her time with Will and my mother. My mother told me she really loves Sophie. She thinks Sophie is "a beautiful woman." My mom doesn't usually talk like that. But, whatever. Sophie is great and I can tell she is much happier here than she was back in Austin. I really have to get to the bottom of her family situation, but I'm afraid to ask. Maybe she was abused as a child or maybe her parents are dead. There is no way to tell other than to ask. Just have to work up my courage.

I think I might be getting a little bit manic. It would explain my behavior. Normally I wouldn't be bold enough to try to get twins in bed and do all the nasty shit I did. Normally, I would have been a lot more shy. It's a sign and something I should pay attention to. It won't do to have a massive episode and totally freak the fuck out. I've been doing great. I feel great. Maybe too great. I don't know.

On another note, I've been wondering if Sophie has a thing for me. She is very nurturing and touchy feely with me and says very sweet things. Not the kinds of things I would say to my employer. She knows me very well. She knows I am bi-polar and she stays on top of me about taking my medication. She cares for me, and by that I mean, she takes care of me like a wife cares for a husband.

## January 28, 1997. Austin, TX

The other day, Sophie walked in on me when I was taking a shower. I didn't notice at first, but when I did, she made no move to leave. I didn't know what to say, so I turned off the water, got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around myself. At that point she asked me if I wanted her to do my laundry. I said, "Okay, Sophie. Thank you." She turned and left. It was a strange moment. So, now she has seen me naked. Part of me thinks I should walk in on her when she is showering, but I bet that is a phenomenally bad idea. I'm not ready to get into a relationship with her, or anyone for that matter.

Despite the shower incident, things are normal. She hasn't said anything about it and is being as sweet as ever.

Will has learned how to crawl. Now he scoots around the house, pulling things off of low shelves or tables. He babbles all the time. Who knows what he is saying. It's cute as hell.

I'm going to go out tonight. Travis is going to be out. I think the others aren't coming. Travis told me his whole story recently. His uncle molested him when he was a kid. It stopped when his uncle died of a heart attack. It really damaged him. He thinks that is why he is gay. I don't understand that reasoning. Isn't being gay a biological thing? And, Travis talks about being gay like it is a curse. He is ashamed of it. I asked him if he had ever been with a guy and he said only his uncle. I asked him if he had ever been with a girl, and to that he said no. So, Travis is a twenty-eight year old gay semi-virgin who might not be gay at all. He really needs to figure things out or he is going to go nuts.

Anyway, I'm sure he is going to want to talk about it tonight. It has really been bothering him lately and I don't know why. Something must have happened, but Travis isn't saying anything, so who knows? Maybe he'll spill it tonight. Maybe I should force him to spill it. It would be good for him.

I'm still thinking about Sophie. I want to believe it was innocent, but it wasn't. There was something there, something in her eyes. It was almost like she was in a trance.

Okay. Moving on. I'll worry if it becomes an issue. I just hope I don't have to let go of her. She has been really good for Will and for me.

## February 14, 1997. Austin, TX

Sophie woke me up last night by attempting to give me a blowjob. She was stark naked on the bed, my dick in her mouth. I was totally erect, and the whole thing turned me. When she saw I was awake she said, "Is this good? Do you like it?" All I did was nod and rest my head back on the pillow. She took it from there.

This morning everything is normal. She has said nothing about it and I have no clue what to say. I should at least thank her, but I guess I thanked her enough when I reciprocated. Yeah, I had sex with her and that sex lasted most of the night. Neither of us said a word the whole time although she did moan quite a bit.

I don't know what this means. Part of me thinks she violated me, because I didn't enter into it of my own free will(well, I kinda did), but the other part of me thinks I might have wanted it from the beginning, or at least from the time when she was watching me in the shower. I think that turned me on.

So, now, I have to decide what to say to her, if anything at all. Maybe I should just stay quiet and see if it happens again. I have to admit, I wouldn't mind, although it is kinda strange. Who does that? What was she thinking? Is she going to do it again?

And, why hasn't she said anything about it? She could say she had a fun time or maybe she could say that it was a big mistake. Shouldn't she say something? Very frustrated right now. Maybe I should take her in the bedroom and repeat last night's performance when Will goes down for his nap. What would she do? What if she refuses? What if she wants to be in a relationship? And, if she doesn't want to be in a relationship why did she do it? Christ, this is infuriating. Just say something, for fuck's sake!

I don't know. I think I have to get out of here. Maybe I'll go for a bike ride. But, I feel like I am obligated to stay here for some reason. Do I owe her something? I don't know. I don't know anything. Well, I know that I don't know shit about women and what makes them tick.

## February 15, 1997. Austin, TX

It happened again the same exact way. Around one in the morning, there she was, slurping and bobbing. Again, I had sex with her, and again, this morning, no mention of it. I'm beginning to think Sophie has a strange side to her.

I can't let this pass by without comment this time. I have to get to the bottom of it. Otherwise, I am going to drive myself nuts. I think I'll just ask her how she feels about me. And, if I do that, I think she might ask me the same question. The truth is I don't know the answer to that question. I've never thought of her romantically.

Still, she is pretty and nice and can be pretty funny in a sarcastic sort of way. She is great with Will and doesn't seem to be severely damaged in any way, although recent behavior might suggest otherwise.

Could I be in a relationship with her? Should I? I didn't start this. I didn't even want this, but now, I keep thinking about having sex with her. I want to have sex with her right now. Maybe that is because she has made herself easily available. Plus, she is kind of kinky.

Sigh. Why does my life have to be this way? Why do things spin out of control?

I have to talk to her. I can't stand this. I'm just going to ask her what she is thinking, not what she thinks about me. Maybe I'll get a reasonable answer.

## February 16, 1997. Austin, TX

Sophie is in love with me. I have made a huge mistake. I don't love her. Maybe I could over time. I mean, I really like her and think she would be an amazing mother and wife, but I don't love her.

Of course, that didn't stop me from sleeping with her last night and yesterday while Will was sleeping. Of course not.

Part of me thinks I should just go with it for a while and see what happens. She knows I don't love her, so I don't think it would hurt her if I broke it off. But, if I broke it off, I would have to ask her to leave, which would be horrible. I don't want her to leave. She is amazing. The only problem is the whole love part. Maybe I could. I wasn't thinking about her this way before the shower incident, so this is all new. Maybe the new dynamic will bring us together. I don't know. It could just be another one of my really bad ideas.

Waking up with her clinging to me in my bed is awkward at best. And then spending the day acting normal like nothing has happened makes me really uncomfortable. I feel like I have to do something romantic, and that is probably another really bad idea.

What I do know is that I have to get out of the house tonight. I called Travis, but he is busy, so I called Dean and Bebe and the twins. They're all coming out. I figure I'll get drunk enough to come home and enjoy having sex with Sophie. That is truly sad. I've never had to get drunk to have sex. This is pathetic.

Maybe she will be asleep when I get home so I can dodge the whole thing. I could use the rest. I'm all fucked out. But, I'm being mean. I can't let this make me treat Sophie like crap, and I know if I'm not careful it will. I think I might resent her for putting all of this on me.

## What would my father do?

I haven't thought about him in a long time. But, now I am. I never realized how much I valued his opinion. He really had it together. I wonder why I didn't get more of his genes in me. I regret that I didn't, because if I did, I probably wouldn't be in this mess. Whose genes did I get? Who are the crazy people in my family tree? Well, there's uncle Joe who killed himself. So there is crazy somewhere in my bloodline.

I don't even know how I'm going to tell Sophie that I'm going out. I'm going to feel guilty about it for sure. I'm just going to have to tell her that I need to check in. What if she asks me how long I'll be? Is she going to put pressure on me? What are her expectations of me? Good God. What a mess. I should have told her to stop, but no, I just went with it without thinking.

It wouldn't be so bad to tell her that I still miss Nara and don't think I can be in a relationship. That is reasonable, isn't it? It's been less than a year since Nara died, and the truth is, despite the fact that I've been in the sack with four different women, I am not over Nara. Hell, I'm still not over Lori and that was ages ago. So, maybe that is what I tell her. Will she want to leave? Would I try to stop her? Would I miss her? I don't know. Maybe I should just see what happens. Maybe I will fall in love with her.

Sigh. I'm not going to do anything other than go out tonight. I'll tell the gang about this and see what they have to say. They'll probably laugh at me. I mean, truly this is evidence that I am one screwed up chicken.

You know what's really going to happen? I'm going to come home and Sophie will be in my bed and I am going to have sex with her. And, I am going to kick the living shit out of myself in the morning. Because, I am Mark Harrigan, and I do stupid shit.

## February 17, 1997. Austin, TX

I came home and Sophie was asleep on the couch. I didn't know what to do so I woke her up and brought her into my room. We didn't have sex, but she clung to me all night. There was something sweet about that, something sad too. I really need to understand what makes her tick. I think there is something wrong with her, but I don't know what it is.

We woke up and Sophie made breakfast. Of course, she made my favorite breakfast. After that, the two of us took Will out for a walk in the neighborhood. We didn't talk, although I wanted to ask her a million questions. I realize now that in all the time she has been with me, she has said very little about herself. All I really know is that she was going to be a teacher before she became a nanny. That and she reads dirty books.

When I told the gang what happened they all agreed that Sophie is a psycho. I disagreed with them, but admitted that I thought Sophie had some problems, although what those problems are is a mystery. Bebe asked me if I was going to end it and I said I didn't know. Bebe then said that loneliness was driving the car for me and that I was making a big mistake. Dean agreed. He said I should get a new nanny, and not fuck her like I did Sophie. The twins and Jolene all thought it was just too funny. They said I should go for it. After all, how many nannies will surprise you with a blowjob in the middle of the night?

The sad thing is I thought they all liked Sophie. But, I guess not, or at least they don't respect her for how she handled herself. Never mind how I handled myself. I'm just as guilty.

So, nobody has given me any good advice. I just have to figure this out on my own.

I will say this. In some ways it is really easy with Sophie. She is not difficult in the least way, and she makes it impossible to not like her. Still, I do resent her to some extent. I feel like I was taken advantage of.

Ugh. I have to stop thinking about this.

I'm just going to have to ride this out. Maybe some good will come of it, or maybe it will be a complete disaster. The truth is, I already know what is going to happen, and I know that there is nothing I can do to stop it. It's a strange dream, life. When you're aware of it you have some hope of steering things, but when you're not, it is frightening. I've had waking dreams before, where I could control what was going on. They were amazing. And, when I would wake up from them, I felt depressed, because I knew I couldn't control my own life in that way. I want to control this dream, but I know I'm going to wake up and let things go as they may.

## April 2, 1997. Austin, TX

Will stood up today. He was sitting near the coffee table, grabbed it and pulled himself up. Then he fell. Little tiger didn't even cry. He has been getting really skilled with his hands as well. I have a large set of wooden blocks I keep in the family room. Will spends a lot of time stacking them and knocking them down.

He is also laughing a lot and babbling. The other day he said "Da." Of course, he probably doesn't mean dad, but you never know. But, I keep pointing to myself and saying "da da." Then I touch my finger to his chest and say "Will." A little tickling follows that. Will loves it. Such a happy baby.

He's going to be one soon. That will also be the anniversary of Nara's death. I'm not sure how I'll feel that day, but I'll do my best to keep it together. I'm going to take Will to Nara's grave so he can babble to her. Maybe he'll say "Muh." I hope so.

Sophie is still here, and I have done little to stop our relationship from developing. I still don't love her, but I care for her an awful lot. I don't want to hurt her. I know that is a bad reason to stay with her, but I am doing it anyway.

She has become more talkative and has tried to plan fun things to do together, which is sweet. She hooked us up with this playgroup. We take Will twice a week. It's nice. We have met other parents. No real friends just yet, but we've only just started.

We have also been going out together. Last night we got a babysitter and went out alone. I was a little nervous about leaving Will with a stranger, but Sophie assured me the sitter came with good recommendations. Of course Sophie checked.

I finally got up the nerve to ask Sophie about her family at dinner. At first she gave me some bullshit answers like where they lived and what they did. She said nothing about how they were or how they made Sophie feel. So, I pressed. Sophie started crying.

Sophie's parents basically disowned her when she was twenty. This was because Sophie got pregnant. They wanted her to get an abortion, but she refused, saying she was going to put the baby up for adoption, which she did. After that, she was on her own.

She has no brothers or sisters or close relatives, so she has been on her own for over ten years. I almost cried when I heard that.

Sophie said she had really wanted to keep the baby, but knew she couldn't take care of it.

When the baby was born, they didn't even let Sophie hold her. That almost destroyed her. She doesn't know where the baby is, but has tried to find out. The adoption agency won't give her any information. I guess that is so Sophie won't cause any trouble.

So, Sophie is a wounded deer, and her heart is broken. Now, all she really has is Will and me. I asked her if she ever tried to talk to her parents and she said she did once, but they wouldn't talk to her.

I can't imagine what would posses someone to shut their daughter out of their life. I think Sophie did the right thing, as painful as it was. She did the responsible thing.

If Sophie had told me she got an abortion, I would have had a very negative reaction to it. I believe abortion is murder. I think that is the Catholic in me, but I'm not sure. That or I just value life that much, funny for me to say considering my suicide attempts.

## June 14, 1997. Austin, TX

Two things. It is Will's birthday. Yay! And Sophie is pregnant. I knew that would happen and I did nothing to stop it. The doctor thinks she is ten weeks pregnant.

First, Will. He stood the other day and took three steps before falling. He was laughing the entire time. I guess it is time to baby-proof the house. Have to put those plastic things in the outlets and protect the stairs with gates on each end. Not sure what else you're supposed to do.

Then, Sophie. When Sophie realized she was pregnant, her whole demeanor changed. She lit up like a Christmas tree and started singing all the time. At first she didn't tell me what was going on. Maybe a week into that change in behavior, she told me we needed to go see a doctor and admitted she was pregnant.

So, now I have two children with two different women. That is not something my father would have approved of. He believed you got married once, had kids and then died. That simple.

Two kids. More responsibility. A girlfriend or whatever she is that I'm not in love with.

I saw this coming. I'm betting that Sophie got pregnant the first time we were together. That's the kind of luck I have.

But, in some weird way I'm happy. I really love Will, and I am sure I will love the new baby. With any luck, I will fall in love with Sophie.

I told Travis about it and asked if I really wanted to keep the baby. I said I wouldn't even consider the alternative although it was ultimately Sophie's choice. He wished me luck. He also said he wanted to be a father some day, but thought he wouldn't be able to unless he was with a woman. Travis is in so much turmoil. I don't know how he gets by.

Jay said he'd find some Cubans and mail them to me. He thought the situation was funny and warned me not to fall back into old patterns. Jay knows everything about me. Makes sense that he would be concerned.

I have to go to the bar tonight. Sophie is staying home. I'm going to tell the rest of the gang. I'm sure they will think it's hilarious.

So, I'm in one fine mess, but am happy about part of it. I'm thrilled to have another baby on the way. Just don't know how to handle the Sophie side of things. Still, I like her more and more, so maybe there is hope.

Strange days in the home of Harrigan. Unseen forces are pushing me to an unknown destination.

## July 15, 1997. Seattle, WA

Came out to Seattle for a couple of days. Lost my bar manager, so I have to hire another. I have several interviews scheduled for today.

Sophie didn't come out. I figured it was a short trip and there was no point in carting Will on a plane and all that.

Sophie has called several times this morning just to say hi. I wonder if she is worried that I am going to do something bad. Maybe I'm worried that I'll do something bad. If I run into Pamela, for instance, there is no telling what would happen.

But, I'm not worrying. I have a lot to do and little time for a tryst with some floozy from Seattle. Heh. She's no floozy. And, crap, I am thinking about it now. It's not like I don't get enough at home.

So, hire a manager, or maybe promote someone and just hire another bartender. My dad would probably tell me to promote someone if I could. Boosts morale. But, then, who to choose? That is a tough one.

I'll just have to see these candidates and decide.

In other news, Mike Tyson, that kook, was banned from boxing for biting Holyfield's ear. Too funny.

We'll find out the sex of the baby in another month. I want a boy. Sophie does too. Boy names are Max and Ryan. If it's a girl, Sophie wants to name her Chloe. Strange name, but okay with me. But, it's not going to be a girl. At least that's my guess.

Sophie and I are getting along quite well. Maybe that is because she is so passive all the time. She always wants to do whatever I want to do. I don't think that's very healthy, so I try to get her to tell me what she wants to do, and inevitably she just says she'll do whatever. Ugh.

I think I would like her more if she voiced her opinion more often. I'd be thrilled if she would disagree with me. I would be ecstatic if she picked a fight, anything other than this constant agreement. I feel like I should say something to her about it, but I'm afraid of hurting her feelings.

The only thing she does speak up about is how to take care of Will. I always defer to her on that since she is more experienced than I am. She's been doing this for years and has probably seen everything.

I don't know, and I usually don't know, so I suppose things will keep going this way. And, even if I do say something to her, she will probably tell me I'm right and continue to always agree with me.

Nara and Lori were always comfortable disagreeing with me, and did so on a regular basis. Those relationships were good, weren't they? Hard to say. But, I know I felt more comfortable with them.

## July 16, 1997. Seattle, WA

Saw Pamela last night. I wonder if she comes to the bar every night. We talked for a while, but nothing happened, a big relief. I really don't need that cloud hanging over my head.

Sophie called like a million times. Sometimes just to say hi and not much else. Sometimes she called to tell me about some cute thing Will did. I was polite of course, but it drove me batty.

I'm in the airport, about to get on my plane. Wondering what I am going to do when I get home. I convinced myself that I was going to talk to Sophie about her inability to disagree with me. We'll see if I say anything. I'm kind of a chicken, although I don't know what I'm afraid of.

One thing I know I'm going to do is take Sophie shopping, or at least give her money to go shopping herself. Her wardrobe is dated at best. She dresses like an old lady, which is a bit of a turn off. Maybe I should go with her and "help" her choose. Not sure what she would buy on her own, and if her current wardrobe is any indication, I think it would be more of the same.

The only risk of me going with her is that I would have her dressing up like a twenty-dollar hooker. What I'm saying is I might not be qualified to make fashion decisions for her. But, even a twenty-dollar hooker dresses better than Sophie, so maybe it's not such a bad thing.

Okay. Can't wait to see Will. Things are good here in Seattle. I didn't bone Pamela. My conscience is clear. Oh, and I'm going to dress my new woman up like a hooch. Can't wait.

I'm feeling pretty good these days, and I guess that should come as no surprise. I haven't been doing fucked up shit. I have a strange relationship with Sophie, but it's not unpleasant. I have a great kid, another on the way. If you had asked me years ago where I thought I'd be now, I probably would have said I would be single and partying every night. I would have said I was never going to have kids and never get married. Shows me how much I know about myself.

I guess the only thing that is missing for me right now is love. I don't love Sophie. But, I guess I'm trying. And, at least I'm not doing anything destructive to sabotage what relationship I do have with her. So, I have that going for me.

## September 19, 1997. Austin, TX

It's a boy. I knew it. Settled on Max for a name. Our list of potential boy names had grown to Max, Kevin, Ryan, Henry, and John. Anyway, I made Sophie choose. That made her more than a little uncomfortable, but I think it was good for her.

I did have a conversation with her about feeling free to voice her opinion, and I think she took it to heart. She is now more vocal, including in bed, which is a real turn on. Now she tells me what she wants me to do. And, that's good because now I'm more certain she is enjoying it. I've always had my doubts about how good I am in bed, and until I got Sophie to be more vocal, I didn't have anyone tell me what to do in bed. So, this is a very good development.

I feel closer to Sophie. I think all of her quirks have grown on me and I feel like she is good for me. I suppose I felt that way before, but now it's more apparent.

We do everything together, which is comforting. I don't like being alone, and I know that when I am alone bad things happen. So, I have a new relationship that seems to be growing stronger. I just hope I can fall in love with her. It would make things even easier.

I told my mom all about the situation and she warned me not to hurt Sophie. She can tell that Sophie is very sensitive, even though Sophie doesn't really express it. My mom also told me that I should break it off if I'm not sure about it in the not too distant future. She said she had felt the same way about her boyfriend and that she knew that she had to break up with him after she realized that he wasn't really the right one. I almost asked why she let him move in, but thought that was hypocritical.

My brother has another girlfriend, but this time he says he is not thinking about marriage. He finally learned his lesson. She is an attorney working in his office, which I warned him about. As my dad was fond of saying, you don't shit where you eat. I suppose my brother will have to learn that the hard way. Still, something tells me this one could work out. After all, they have the same career, and can relate to each other. I'm guessing that all of the long hours don't give them much time together, which is good because it will give her less of a chance to figure out what an asshole he is.

My sister broke up with Patty. She said Patty was too butch for her. I didn't think Patty was butch at all. A bit homely, perhaps, but she didn't look like she was trying to look like a man.

Sophie and I are getting a babysitter tonight. We're going out for dinner and then to the bar to hang out with the crew. I feel kind of bad for telling my friends about the situation with Sophie now. I don't want it to color their opinions of her. I want Sophie and them to be friends and think it would be good for Sophie to have them as friends. She doesn't have any other friends, at least none that I know of. Doesn't talk about that kind of stuff.

I talked in my sleep last night. Sophie said I was calling out Nara's name. She asked me if I wished Nara was still with me. That was a difficult question to answer, but not because I didn't know. I was afraid of hurting Sophie's feelings. So, I said, "I can't dwell on my loss, but I still love Nara and always will." That seemed to satisfy Sophie, although she didn't say much about it.

The bottom line is I miss both Nara and Lori. I love them both very much. The odd thing is that I don't know who I miss more. Perhaps both equally. They are very different people who touched me in different ways. If I could have one or both of them back I would gladly accept them back into my life. However, I don't know if I would break up with Sophie for either of them. Sophie has my child inside of her and I feel like I have taken her under my wing, which is odd when you consider how weak I am and how much I rely on her to take care of me.

On another note, I finally took Sophie shopping, and now she is dressing much better. I also bought her a ring. Not an engagement ring, but a platinum band encircled by sapphires. She cried when I gave it to her. It shows me that I need to be as thoughtful and giving as possible with her. She is so fragile.

I haven't had a fight with Sophie in the entire time I've known her. That is probably not a good thing, but I am still happy that we haven't fought. It would be a disaster and I would feel too guilty for words.

Maybe I am in love with her in some subtle way. She is dear to me. She is unlike anyone I have ever been with.

## October 31, 1997. Austin, TX

Sophie wanted to dress up for Halloween, so we went to the party store and bought costumes. The costumes Sophie chose were a priest and a nun. That is almost too strange for words. Sophie thinks it's hilarious. Baby Will is going to go as an angel, which fits the theme. We're going to cruise the neighborhood later, probably before it gets too dark. I guess the candy will be for Sophie and me, since we won't let Will eat candy yet.

Sophie's choice of costumes made me think a bit. I think she would have made an excellent nun. I mean, if you ignore the fact that she is really dirty in bed, the rest of her screams nun. Told her that and she laughed. She admitted that she had thought about it at one point. I didn't know she was Catholic. I guess it never came up, although, really, the fact is we hardly ever talk about her. I still know very little about her life other than the fact that her parents disowned her.

I asked her if she would ever try to talk to her parents again and she said no. She said it was over and that they were very stubborn people and very judgmental. It makes me sad. I don't know what I would have done if my parents ever cast me aside.

After trick or treating, we are going to watch _Poltergeist_ , Sophie's choice, and one that surprised me just a little. That movie freaked me out the first time I saw it. Especially the scene where that guy is in the bathroom tearing his face off. Not sure why Sophie chose it. I guess she has a dark side, which is fine with me.

Tomorrow, we are going to go shopping. Sophie says it's best to do Christmas shopping early. I wonder who she has shopped for in the past. Last year, she did buy presents for Will and me, but I'm betting she didn't buy presents for anyone else. She couldn't have bought presents for her parents. They moved several years ago and she doesn't know where they are. That really pisses me off.

If anyone in this world deserves to be loved, it is Sophie. How could her parents abandon her like that? It is unthinkable. She is probably the kindest person I know.

Tomorrow night, Sophie and I are going to go out to the bar. We have been going out more often. Our babysitter, Allie, is a twenty-year-old student. She is great with Will. I think she is studying business or marketing or something. I don't remember these things. Anyway, she is great, so I don't worry about leaving Will with her.

In other news, Jay has yet another girlfriend. Her name is Fiona. That is a pretty bitchy name if you ask me, but nobody is asking me. Anyway, I hope this one works out for Jay. Still, I get the feeling that it isn't that important to him. He's not looking to get married. Just wants some company.

Will is walking now. He started young, but then stopped. Last month he made up for lost time and now is motoring around the house. He gets into everything, so we've had to be careful about what we leave lying around. He is talking too. He calls Sophie "Si Si," and calls me "da." He also says "Noo Noo," his word for his favorite food, noodles with spinach. I hate spinach, so he didn't get that from me.

Sophie asked me about my diary today. She wanted to know what it is I write about. I told her I write about everything and left it at that. Then she asked me if I would ever cheat on her, which made me think she had been reading my diary. Confronted with that possibility, I told her that I had cheated on Lori multiple times. I told her the experience was awful and that I never wanted to do it again. She paused for a while before saying, "I don't think I could take it if you cheated on me." I assured her I wouldn't.

So, Sophie has probably read my diary. I guess I have to start hiding it, although I don't know of any good places to put it. Maybe I should keep it in my car or somewhere in the garage, a pain in the ass, really, but whatever. I guess I would be tempted to read Sophie's diary if she had one.

## November 2, 1997. Austin, TX

Went to The Last Bastion with Sophie last night. Bebe and Dean were there. They weren't my first choice for company, but whatever. Bebe is kind of weird around Sophie. I feel like Bebe is toying with her at times. Last night she asked Sophie when we were going to get married. This tripped Sophie up in a bad way, but she recovered and asked Bebe, "Why would we need to get married?" Bebe returned with, "Well, Mark seems to like to get married, so it seems like the logical thing to do, doesn't it?" I wanted to ring Bebe's neck, but I held back. Sophie smiled and said, "Well, I don't think either Mark or I are in any rush. If it happens it happens." Grace under pressure.

The conversation drifted to Travis. Again, this was Bebe's doing. She said it was odd that none of us had ever met Travis' girlfriend and wondered if he was in the closet. I stepped in and lied. I said I had met his girlfriend and she seemed really nice. This shut Bebe up. But Dean, being the wonderful guy he is, said, "He might have a girlfriend, but that doesn't mean he's not gay." Dean is always pointing out guys that he thinks are gay. I didn't bother to say anything.

Later, Travis and the twins showed up and the conversation took a more normal route, which was a relief. I like Bebe and Dean, but I think they can be a little mean spirited at times. Makes them a perfect match for each other.

When we got home, Sophie was in tears. She asked me why Bebe hated her and I told her that it was just the way Bebe was. "Who knows?" I said, "Maybe she is jealous of you." Sophie calmed down, but I could tell she was really hurt. Then she said, "Do you ever think of getting married again?"

"I'm not against it, but I'm not ready for it," I said.

"With me?"

"I've considered it, Sophie, but I'm really not ready."

Sophie was quiet after that. We watched TV for a while then went to bed.

The reality is I don't want to get married at this point. I definitely can't get married to Sophie because I'm not truly in love with her. Strong feelings, yes, but not love. But, I'm not going to say that to her. I don't know what she would do.

## January 18, 1998. Austin, TX

Maxwell William Harrigan was born today. Nine pounds six ounces. Huge. He must have ripped Sophie open.

I was in the delivery room the entire time, and I have to say, Sophie is one tough broad. She barely made a sound, except when she was pushing.

The look on her face when she held Max for the first time was something I will never forget. If anything in this world could have made me fall for her, that was it. Sophie doesn't generally express joy. It's not that she looks down or anything. She just doesn't look overly happy.

Sophie is sleeping right now. It was a long labor and she is completely spent. Max is with the nurses.

I'm just sitting here, pretty tired myself, having been up all night. But I won't sleep.

I think we get to go home tomorrow if everything is okay. The doctor says everything looks good though, so I'm not worried.

My mother has been sick, so she was unable to come out. She says she will be out here in a week or so. It will be nice to have her out.

So, that leaves me with Sophie. Should be fine. She knows what she's doing.

All in all, things are good. I haven't had any issues to speak of other than a couple of days of feeling kind of down. But, Sophie cheered me up. Whenever I show signs of being depressed, she kicks into gear and gives me projects to do around the house or tells me to go play bass. The funny thing is, it works.

Nara and Lori weren't always like that. At least, they didn't seem to be as aware of my moods as Sophie is. It's yet another reason why Sophie is good for me.

And that's just it, isn't it? Sophie is good for me. She knows how to get me out of a funk. She hasn't experienced a manic episode yet, but I'm guessing she will be able to handle that too.

Not much else to say, really. I have two sons now. All things considered, I'd say I'm pretty lucky.

## March 29, 1998. Austin, TX

I haven't slept in three days and Sophie is starting to ask questions. She keeps making me drink this terrible herbal tea she claims will make me sleep, but it isn't working. I've been taking my medicine, so this shouldn't be happening. I try to occupy myself with the kids and doing things around the house, but I'm not getting any less antsy. I have also been playing the bass, but my tremor is really interfering with that.

Last night I went to the bar by myself, ostensibly to check in, but really because I thought getting a few drinks in me would slow things down. Well, a few drinks turned into a lot of drinks and then into a cab ride home to a very concerned Sophie. She had been calling me while I was at the bar, but I never heard my phone ring. Needless to say she was upset.

I still didn't sleep, or at least not much, and today I am feeling like utter crap, nauseous with a bleak outlook. I'm having trouble focusing and think I might be coming down with something. I don't know. Maybe I am just really hung over.

Travis was at the bar last night. He spends a lot of time there. He was with a friend. I didn't ask if he was a boyfriend. I didn't really need to ask. It was pretty apparent they are some sort of couple. I'll probably ask him about it next time I see him.

The twins also showed up. They were going on and on about some video game they play online. It is some space game with shitty graphics, but they claim it is the coolest thing. I asked if I could get it for my computer and they said that it only ran on UNIX, an operating system I know nothing about. They invited me to come to their office on campus to see it though, which was nice of them.

As I said, I got pretty hammered last night. But, Travis and his "friend" Nate got even more hammered. The twins don't really drink that much. Mostly, they make fun of drunk people, and that is exactly what they did last night.

Travis and Nate left kind of early, leaving me with the twins. One of them, I don't know which is which, asked me if I knew Travis was gay. They said Bebe told them. I'm starting to think Bebe is a royal bitch. Anyway, I said I had met Travis' girlfriend and wasn't sure Bebe was right about that. The twins accepted that answer and went back to talking about the video game. I know the name now... Net Trek. Yeah. It has spaceships that look like Star Trek spaceships. I guess it has been around for a while.

They said I could play it if I installed something called Linux on my computer and offered to help me do that. They said it isn't at all like Windows and that it doesn't have a lot of games, but that it is a good operating system to program on. That would be great if I had gotten into college, but I didn't, so, so much for that.

So, I think they are coming over tomorrow to get me started.

In the meantime, I have to try to put Sophie at ease. I think I'm going to have to tell her I'm manic. Not sure what she'll say about it. I mean, she already knows I'm bipolar, so maybe it is the best thing to do.

So, today is all about recovering from last night and trying to slow myself down. I don't see Doctor Phil until next week, but maybe I should call him and see what his advice is. Maybe he'll have me change my medicine. No clue. But, chances are he will be able to help.

I totally hate being bipolar. It is probably the worst part of my life.

Not going to the bar tonight. I don't think Sophie would let me even if I wanted to, and that is a good thing. She should have a say in these things.

## April 3, 1998. Austin, TX

So, Sophie told me she already suspected I had a problem, although she didn't know what it was. She doesn't know that much bipolar disorder except for the little I told her before, so I had to clue her in. I also admitted that I had tried to kill myself, which really concerned her. But, I explained that I had not been taking medication and that on medication I was much less likely to do such a thing. She asked how much less likely and I said the chances were very slim, but that I had to be very mindful of my condition.

Like Lori, Sophie made me swear that I would always take my medicine. She didn't say she would leave me if I didn't, but I got the impression that she would if it got bad enough, which isn't at all reassuring. It's a curse if there ever was one.

I'm still flying high, but Doctor Phil has changed my medicine and says I should be good soon. He is making me take more lithium, which I guess will slow me down.

While I wait for that, I am working on cleaning out the garage. It has become a terrible mess in the last few months. I have all of the boxes from all of the baby stuff we bought in there and other things that I have purchased and discarded. So, I'm cleaning and organizing.

I haven't been to the bar. Sophie wants me to wait until things even out. It is a little frustrating because a few drinks would take the edge off. But, that is a dangerous path. A few drinks could also make me do something remarkably stupid. Sophie knows that.

Sophie is being protective, but I don't know who she is protecting at this point. I don't think it is me though. It's probably her and the kids.

## May 30, 1998. Austin, TX

I've been playing Net Trek a lot lately. Highly addictive. I'm pretty good at it, although the twins kick my ass every time I play them. They installed Linux on my computer so I could run it. It is an interesting operating system, but you have to do most things on the command line. So, I'm getting used to it slowly.

They introduced me to this language called Perl. It's pretty cool, but it won't have me programming games anytime soon. There is another game on my computer called _Doom_. That is a lot of fun. It's 3D. You run around different levels killing demons.

So, things are okay. Sophie and I are good. The boys are doing great, although Will is a little jealous of Max. Sophie says that is normal. I used to be jealous of my sister. My parents always seemed to take her side when we would have a spat. But, those days have passed. I am anything but jealous of my sister now.

Sophie and I had a long conversation the other day. Well, she started it. She wanted to know how I felt about her. I told her I loved her, and I do, but I'm not in love with her. I left that part out, of course. Anyway, it made her happy, and she was sure to show me that later that night. In fact, she has been showing me pretty much non-stop.

Pamela called me. She was in a pretty bad place and wanted to know when I would be back in Seattle. Evidently, she had a boyfriend I didn't know about and he died of an overdose. I feel bad for her, but there is nothing I can do. Despite that I told her I would be up there at the end of June. Sophie isn't going on that trip with me. It is only for two days, so I figured what's the point? But, now I'm wondering if I should bring her along. I know it is a pain in the ass to cart two kids all the way to Seattle for a short stay, but it might be the smart thing to do.

I don't think I will do anything with Pamela, but having Sophie and the kids there will pretty much ensure I won't. I don't know. Could be unnecessary. I haven't been with Pamela in a long time, and I haven't talked to her in months. I kinda figured she had written me off, which was a relief. But, no, I am still on her mind, and am, apparently, someone she feels she can turn to.

Now, I've got Pamela looming over my head and occupying my mind. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted. That's the thing about me. I like an easy lay. Still, I have nothing to complain about with Sophie. She is very attentive. That's kind of a cheap way of putting it. Sophie is much more than attentive. She is loving and kind and on top of that she is good in the sack. It's sick that I have to do this to talk myself out of doing something wrong.

I guess in some ways I am a bad guy. I mean well most of the time, but at my core is something dark. I can't be trusted, and I know it. I used to blame my sickness for that, but now I'm not so sure. Do I only do bad things when I am having an episode? I have my doubts.

I think the first few times I was with Pamela I was going through something. In fact, I'm pretty sure of it. But was I riding high when Lori caught me? I don't remember. When I was with the sisters I think I was going through something too. Can't be sure. Most of the time I don't even realize what's going on. I usually only can tell when I stop sleeping or start drinking too much. Well, that and buying things, but I'm not that bad about my spending sprees. Still, I did buy Sophie that Rolex the last time I was going bonkers. She made me take it back, and not because she didn't like it.

I guess the bottom line is I don't always know, so maybe my illness plays a big part in all of this insanity. I don't want to use it as an excuse though. If I don't own my behavior it will lead to much worse things. And for that reason alone I should not do anything with Pamela if I see her. Of course, I know I'm going to see her. I told her the exact days I would be in Seattle. I think that makes me a bad guy even if I don't sleep with her, because I am creating an opportunity.

I don't know what it is about me. I seem to like drama and misery.

## June 26, 1998. Seattle, WA

It should come as no big surprise that I slept with Pamela. Any brainless chimpanzee could have seen that coming. And, of course, it should not be surprising that I was the one to initiate it. Pamela probably wouldn't have initiated given the state she was in. So, not only did I cheat, I also took advantage of Pamela.

The thing is, I feel pretty numb right now. I don't feel guilty at all. When I cheated on Lori, I felt guilty, but I also felt really good. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but it is how I felt. But, this time, I feel very little, and that means I don't feel either good or bad about it. It happened because I wanted it to happen. Am I dead inside?

The sick thing is I actually talked to Sophie on the phone while Pamela was blowing me. Pamela was really into that, which is pretty bad. But, I was into it too. And I came right as I was saying I love you to Sophie. I should be feeling terrible right now. What I did was completely evil. But, I did it, and I enjoyed it. I have learned nothing from my parents or anyone for that matter. Still, no guilt. I did what I did.

Sophie didn't suspect a thing, and unless she finds this diary, she will never know. Pamela won't say anything. I'll never say anything. What would be the point? I don't want to hurt Sophie, and I know this would kill her. So, I will never speak of it.

Pamela thinks she and I would make a good couple, and she is probably right. We're both pretty deranged. But, it would never work. I am in it with Sophie and I have no intention of leaving her. I do love her.

I'm coming back to Seattle in two weeks. I've told Sophie it is to hire a new bar manager, a complete fabrication, but she'll never know. Of course, I will be with Pamela.

I wonder if I will do the same thing in West Palm. I mean, will I find a girlfriend down there? I think if the opportunity presented itself I would, but I don't think I'll go looking for it. I might find someone and have things go south and Sophie find out. That would probably mean Sophie would leave me and would take Max with her. I can't have that.

The thought does make me just a little paranoid. What if I am wrong about Pamela? Would she do anything to split Sophie and me up? It would be hard to do. Pamela doesn't know my home phone number. My number is unlisted. She doesn't know where I live. She doesn't even know about The Last Bastion. Not sure why I haven't told her about that. I mean, she could find out from one of the bartenders at The Lost Retreat. I haven't told any of them to hide that from Pamela. Actually, I have never really talked to any of them, other than Hank, about Pamela. So, all Pamela knows is my cell number. I think I have instinctively covered my tracks.

I feel no guilt. What does that mean? What does that say about me? I think any normal person would say I am a royal prick, and I guess they would be right. But, I don't think I am necessarily. I just don't follow the norm. I've heard it's pretty common in Europe for people to have affairs. Still, I don't think it is necessarily considered good. I think most people believe in monogamy. Just not me. Or I do and I am just not able to be monogamous.

Two weeks and then more sex with Pamela. I hope she doesn't get too attached to me. She probably won't. She knows I have a family now and that I'm not leaving Sophie anytime soon.

I don't know. Maybe I feel some guilt. At least I'm sure I will sometime soon. Maybe I will when I see Sophie, and if I do feel guilty, will I be able to hide it? I'm not a good actor. Most things bubble up to the surface with me.

## July 10, 1998. Seattle, WA

Sophie wanted to come, but I told her I wouldn't really have time to spend with her and the boys, so she relented.

She suspects nothing, or if she does, she is good at hiding it. But, then, I really haven't done anything suspicious. I answer all her calls or call her back quickly. I sound normal. I don't rush her off the phone. There is nothing to worry about.

I spent the night with Pamela. Wild night. The only problem was she brought up the idea of us as a couple, saying we would be really good together. I told her it would be impossible, but that I would spend time with her whenever I came to town, if Sophie wasn't with me.

That seemed to appease her, but I got the impression that she really wants to be with me. Of course, she played it down to some extent and acted like she accepted my rejection, but now, doubt is clouding my mind. My only comfort is the fact that she has no way of reaching me other than on my cell phone, and Sophie never answers my cell phone.

I still don't feel all that guilty. In fact, I feel energized. This is much like it was when I was with Lori, without the guilt. Makes me wonder if I am having some sort of episode. I don't feel like I am, but you never know.

I'm seeing Doctor Phil in a couple of days. I think I am going to tell him what is going on. Maybe he can put things in perspective for me, because, I'm pretty sure things are not in perspective for me.

Sophie called again while Pamela and I were doing it. I didn't answer. Then I got off of Pamela and called Sophie back. Pamela then started blowing me while I was on the phone. Huge rush. I mustn't be that paranoid about Pamela if I would do that, or maybe I just figured I could hang up if things got out of control and say we must have had a bad connection.

I'm puzzled by all of this. When I'm with Sophie, I'm happy. We have fun. We make love. Everything seems so perfect. But, yet, I do things like this. Do I not have enough? Or is it the thrill of doing something wrong? I really don't know. Perhaps it is something completely different.

Doctor Phil will know. Or, at least, he will ask enough questions to find out. Questions that I haven't thought to ask myself.

I'm going out to eat with Pamela tonight, and then back to the bar. I would go straight to Pamela's, but Sophie will call and it will be suspicious if she doesn't hear the background noise of the bar. We'll go back to my hotel room late. Hopefully, Sophie will be asleep.

So, still only a hint of guilt. I continue to betray Sophie. I am getting high off of it even. I know this is going to change, and that when it does, I am going to be a wreck. But, that isn't stopping me.

Who am I? I've never really known the answer to that question. I wonder if I will ever find out. I know nothing about what makes me tick. I just do things with little regard for the consequences. What is it? All I know is that all of this is leading to disaster. This is my fate.

## August 31, 1998. Austin, TX

Pamela showed up at The Last Bastion last night. She told me she had moved to Austin. I didn't bother asking her how she found out about the bar. It was pointless. I did ask her why she moved here. The answer was to be closer to me.

Pamela might be a stalker. And if she is a stalker, does she know where I live? She said she moved in to her new apartment last week. So, she has had opportunities to follow me from the bar to my house. How many nights have I been to the bar? I think three since she moved here. I assume she knew about the bar from day one in Austin, so she had three opportunities to follow me.

Needless to say, I am freaking the fuck out. There is no way I will continue with her, but at the same time, if I break it off, she could do something terrible.

But, I don't even know if she is a stalker. While it's no coincidence that she moved here, it doesn't mean she is being obsessive. I mean, she just lost her boyfriend to a horrible tragedy. She is alone. I give her some amount of comfort or maybe just pleasure. Maybe I could break it off with her. Maybe it's not too late for her to move back to Seattle. She doesn't have a job here yet, so maybe she can get her old job back.

Yes, I am freaking out. This is fucking terrible. I have no idea how I am going to deal with this.

Maybe the right thing is to confess to Sophie, or maybe not. I don't know. Maybe I should just let it all lie and see what happens. I won't break it off with Pamela, but I will try to distance myself. After all, it will be very difficult to have this affair in Austin. I can't just spend the night at Pamela's. Pamela will have to understand that.

Sophie and I are supposed to go to the bar tonight, and I am thinking of a million different excuses I could make so that it won't happen. But, I can't do that forever. I'm just going to have to take my chances.

And, I know I am going to be thinking of lists of excuses I can make to get out of the house. I'll probably be spending a lot of time with the twins. I occasionally go over to their apartment, so it's not so far fetched. But, that opens up new opportunities to get busted. I can't tell the twins to cover for me, because they would know I'm a rotten bastard. I don't think they would like me very much if they found out I was cheating on Sophie.

So, maybe I just have to break it off with Pamela. It is the best option, even if there are serious risks. Pamela could figure out where I live and leave a note, or see Sophie and I in the bar and approach Sophie with some wild story about my infidelity.

There is no way to win this, so I come back to admitting my guilt, and not because I feel guilty. I don't. This is damage control.

Sophie is going to flip out. Who knows what she'll do? Maybe she'll cut my dick off in my sleep. Maybe she will run away. Who the fuck knows?

I'm overthinking all of this. I wish I had leveled with Doctor Phil. I was afraid of being judged. Now, I realize that he could have helped a lot. Maybe I should see him tomorrow, and tell him exactly what I've done and what's going on now.

I'm actually scared. Shaking right now. Sophie hasn't noticed yet, but she will. I'm going to have to either confess or just tell her that I am starting an episode.

I'm a prodigious liar, and that isn't reassuring.

## September 1, 1998. Austin, TX

Pamela was at the bar last night, but she didn't acknowledge me. She barely even looked at me. Despite that, I was very nervous, nervous to the point that Sophie asked me what was wrong. Just said I was feeling a little jumpy, to which Sophie said I should call Doctor Phil. I agreed. That stopped the questions, but I still didn't feel like I had dodged the bullet. The whole time I expected Pamela to come over to our table and expose me for the fraud I am.

After a while of me twitching and glancing nervously in the direction of Pamela, Sophie dragged me home. After the babysitter left she said, "You're not telling me something."

"I just don't feel right," I said. "I'm going to talk to Doctor Phil tomorrow."

"I think there is more to it than that. Mark, you have to tell me what is going on with you. You've been a mess for days. What is it?"

"I don't know. Really. I just feel really edgy. I don't know why."

"Well, I want you to know. You can tell me anything. I won't judge you."

Sophie left it at that. We went to bed, but didn't have sex. I was too freaked out for that.

This morning, Sophie made me breakfast in bed.

Up until then, I had felt no real guilt. I had felt fear, fear of being caught, but no guilt. When Sophie woke me up with breakfast in bed, all of the guilt came crashing in on me. I almost admitted my crime right then, but managed to keep it together.

Sophie told me that she would take care of the kids today and that I should take the day to try to relax, go do something fun.

As she was cleaning up breakfast in the kitchen, Pamela called. I didn't answer.

I got up and got dressed, not bothering to take a shower. Then, I told Sophie that I was going to take a walk. I gave her a kiss and was out the door.

After I got out of site of our house, I called Pamela. Not knowing what else to do, I admitted to Pamela that I had been very nervous last night and that part of me thought she might do something to expose me. I also told her that her moving to Austin made me just as nervous because I didn't think we had that kind of relationship. Last, I told her that I didn't see how this could work in Austin, since it was next to impossible for me to break away from Sophie.

Pamela was silent for a while and then asked if I was breaking things off with her. I said I didn't know, but again, didn't see how it could possibly work. Another long silence followed. Then she said, "I thought we really had something. I thought you would want to make it work."

I told her I had what amounted to a wife and two kids and that I wasn't going to jeopardize that, to which she said, "Haven't you already jeopardized it?" I said "Yes, but it hasn't been destroyed and I don't want it to be destroyed." More silence, then she hung up.

That was three hours ago. I don't know if I will talk to her again. I don't know what she is going to do, and I get the feeling this is how she wants things. I feel like she is punishing me. But it isn't reasonable for her to do that. She knew I wasn't leaving Sophie. She knew that to me this was more of a casual thing. And, she never seemed to mind until recently.

I'm even more nervous now than I was last night. I am praying that this will end without Sophie getting hurt. And, I am now feeling the appropriate amount of guilt, and not because I am afraid of getting caught. The guilt is overwhelming. I have fucked up royally. I have created the possibility that Sophie will be devastated if she finds out what has happened.

I suck ass.

## September 5, 1998. Austin, TX

Not a word from Pamela and she hasn't been in the bar as far as I can tell. I think this is a good sign. Maybe it isn't such a surprise. She never struck me as a psycho.

It's sad that she moved here for me. I don't feel bad about it though. It was her misunderstanding. I had been very clear that this was strictly casual. But, I guess I got too close. Lesson learned.

I've recovered from my paranoia and nervousness, which is a major relief. It is a relief for Sophie too. She was getting really worried about me. Maybe she thought I was about to have a major episode. She has never seen that side of me. I hope she never does.

So, I didn't deserve mercy, but I got it, and I am eternally thankful for that. I have sworn to myself that I will never do this again, over and over, and I hope that I can keep my word.

Unfortunately, the guilt has not passed, and I suppose it shouldn't, although it makes me sick. I can barely eat, and I am on the verge of tears pretty much all the time.

I'm not sure where the guilt is coming from though. It started after Sophie served me breakfast in bed. But, was that what started it? I remember I was thinking about Lori at that particular moment, and I know I was feeling regret for what I had done to her. Is this more about Lori than Sophie? Don't know. I'm no shrink.

What I do know is that I feel terrible. Ashamed and maybe a little humbled by the whole thing. I don't think I ever would have thought that this would be who I'd become. I know when I was younger I never would have behaved this way. I mean, I wasn't the greatest person, but most of the bad things I did only hurt me. So, I've graduated to hurting others, and I am pretty much at the top of my class.

I have to think of something else. This diary is becoming one giant confession, and that is not what it was meant to be.

Sophie and I are going to get dinner tonight and then go to a movie. I have no idea what we are seeing. Something Sophie picked. I'm hoping I will be present while we are together. I've been drifting lately and on several occasions have completely lost track of conversations. Sophie has started calling me "space cadet Mark."

I recently learned that Sophie is interested in becoming a pilot. That was a major surprise. It's not something I would have guessed. Anyway, I decided I'm going to get her flying lessons. She starts next Saturday.

The school claims they have never had an accident, which I guess is pretty impressive. After all, you would think that students would be much more likely to screw up than more experienced pilots.

Still, I do have some reservations. What if something happens to her? Killed, crippled, maimed? What happens then? I haven't shared these thoughts with Sophie, of course. I don't share things like that. The truth is, I hope she doesn't like it, because the whole thing makes me worry.

Maybe she'll be really good at it. Who knows? Maybe I'll buy a plane. Highly unlikely. Way too much money. But, you can rent planes, which is just as good. But, do I really want to put my life in her hands? All of this is a bit premature, of course. Let's see where she is in six months.

The lessons are expensive, as I expected they would be. You pay for the time with the teacher, the fuel and the time flying. At least, that's my memory of what they said at the school.

So, still feeling tons of guilt. And, Sophie wants to be a pilot. Tons of fun.

## October 18, 1998. Austin, TX

Sophie loves flying. Already she has logged eight hours, which might not seem like much, but is. She's not doing anything that advanced yet, but she can keep a plane in the air.

I forget how many hours she needs to get her license, but I think it isn't going to happen any time soon.

The nice thing about Sophie is she is really thankful. She appreciates everything I do for her. On top of that, she is very giving. She is always showing up with little gifts and is constantly researching new an interesting recipes. But, there is more than that. She is always paying attention. She seems to know if I am in a bad place before I do. And, she always does things to make me feel better when I am out of sorts. I guess that happens more often than I would like to admit. Part of it is my bad behavior, of course. But more of it is just my cycle.

Sophie knows me better than Nara or Lori ever did.

Right about now, Sophie is soaring five thousand feet up, maybe looking down at our house. I wonder what she thinks about when she is up there. What drove her to want to fly? Is it an escape? If so, what is she escaping?

I don't normally have the presence of mind to wonder how I am doing in a relationship. I mean, sure, I am very introspective when I'm doing fucked up things that could get me into a lot of trouble. But, in normal, day-to-day life, I don't pay much attention to what I am doing. Lately, I have been giving things a lot of thought. Mostly, I've been wondering if Sophie is really happy with me. I know she loves me. She says it all the time. But is it a bittersweet love? Do I give her what she needs? I'm not sure I do. The reason I say that is that I get locked up inside myself and don't pay attention to what is going on around me. I forget things. I get lost in conversations. I say stupid things. That must be frustrating for her. So, what do I do? It is easy to tell myself to do better, but far more difficult to actually do better.

Of course, the answer is to talk to Doctor Phil, but I never really tell him much. I don't know why. Maybe I don't want him to think I'm a bad guy. I bet he would be cool if I came clean about all the stupid and evil stuff I've done. Easy to say now, of course. Extremely challenging to get up the nerve to expose myself.

When Sophie gets home I'm going to head over to the bar. There has been some drama lately with one of the bartenders, Gretchen. The other bartenders say she is drinking at work although nobody has caught her doing it. Still people have seen her when she has appeared to be intoxicated. I'm going to talk to her and see where her head is at.

I've been pretty fortunate with the bars. I have had very few problems. I think that is because I have hired good managers to watch over things. All of the managers have been great. Just a couple of the bartenders haven't worked out. One for stealing. Two for drinking on the job, and now maybe another one for drinking.

I get it. Bartenders drink on the job. Sometimes they do shots with the customers. I don't have a problem with it as long as they don't get drunk. So maybe one or two shots in a night, but no more.

What I won't tolerate is drugs at the bar. I haven't had a problem with that yet, but I bet I will, eventually. I know there are drug deals going down in the bathrooms and I know there are people coming in high as can be. What I'm worried about is my employees doing or dealing drugs. That could be a major disaster.

Anyway. Going in tonight. Wondering if Pamela will be there, but I am guessing she won't. I think that whole thing is over. I got away with murder, and I'm not at all proud of that.

## December 25, 1998. Austin, TX

Sophie got her private pilot's certificate. I guess she can fly solo now. But, I'm not getting in a plane with her just yet. I think she should keep taking lessons, and I have told her just that. She agrees. Anyway, she isn't comfortable flying alone yet.

Things have been good, although there was a Pamela incident at the bar. I was there, sitting in the back of the bar going through the books, when she stumbled in. She didn't see me. So, she goes up to the bar to get a drink, and Gretchen refuses to serve her. It wasn't a scene, but it wasn't pretty either. After some haggling, Pamela settled on water. She took a few sips and then scanned the bar and saw me. She looked at me for a while before breaking eye contact. Then she turned and left. I felt bad for her and almost followed her, but knew that would be misconstrued. I wish she would move back to Seattle. This move was a huge mistake for her.

I think it is safe to say that chapter of my life is complete.

Enough of that. It's Christmas, and thanks to Sophie, we got all our shopping done like six months ago. Not really, but we were done in early November.

I bought Sophie a new car. Volvo station wagon. It was the logical choice and a big improvement on the beat up car she had been driving.

Sophie surprised me with a 1967 Gibson EB-2 bass. It's in mint condition. A red hollow body, it has a real warm sound. A very cool bass. I have absolutely no idea how she found it.

Will and Max received an assortment of toys. The floor is littered with them.

My mom called last night. I don't know why, but she told me she read Lori's latest book. She said it was really good. I almost said, "It's nice to know you still have a taste for smut, mom," but managed to bite my tongue. I'm sure Lori's books are doing great and that she is really happy without me in her life. Yay! I don't need the fucking reminder. Next year I'm buying my mom a copy of Hustler and a box of condoms for Christmas. Maybe she can send me a report.

Despite the great news from my mom, things have been good. I think I have been more mindful and I think Sophie is happier. I'm not distracted all the time, and I am spending less time noodling around with things and more time with Sophie and the boys. This is all because of the internet.

I had been searching for information about relationships and I randomly found this page about the power of meditation. After reading through the site, I tried to meditate. At first it was difficult. My mind kept wandering and not to good things. But, I kept at it and now, I find meditation is very therapeutic. I'm not thinking about all the bad shit as much and I am much more connected than I have ever been. So, I meditate every day now. I asked Sophie to join me, but she said she had tried meditation before and it didn't work for her. I asked why and all she would say was she always thought about her parents when she meditated. I think she just didn't try hard enough, or is it not try hard enough? No clue, and I've lost track of the page with all the meditation instructions.

I know I've said this before, only to have everything come crashing down on me, but I am happy. I am happier than I have been in a long time. And, I have realized that I am in love with Sophie, and that is a big relief and source of joy. I don't think I'm going to fuck things up again. I think I've learned my lesson. It was a painful process, and I almost lost everything I had, but I got through it and now life is great.

## March 23, 1999. Austin, TX

Sophie talked to her parents for the first time in years. I'm going to take credit for that since I hired a private investigator to find them. And, I called them and told them how sad Sophie was that they stopped talking to her. Then I told them about Max. I think that's what changed things. Anyway, I gave them Sophie's number and told them not to tell her that I had talked to them.

Her mother called a day later, and now Sophie has talked to both her parents multiple times and they are going to come out to Austin to visit.

They were tough to find, mainly because they had moved to Costa Rica. But after about a month of searching, Roy, my PI, found them. The whole thing scared the shit out of me, mainly because it had the potential to completely backfire. If Sophie had found out what I was doing there could have been problems. This has been a source of anxiety for her for years, and I wasn't sure how she would have reacted if she had known what I was up to.

I think this is the best gift I have ever given anyone, even though Sophie has no clue I set all of it up.

Anyway, they are going to be here on Thursday and are planning to stay for three days.

Sophie is completely lit up. I've never seen her like this. She is going bonkers cleaning and organizing things. She even has worked out a menu for her parent's visit. I have basically done nothing, realizing I'll just get in the way. It's kind of funny. And it is extremely satisfying. I'm not going to tell Sophie what I did. I think it is much better for her to think her parents reached out on their own.

So, I can be thoughtful sometimes. I can do the right thing. I'm not hopeless.

## April 4, 1999. Austin, TX

By all accounts, Sophie's parent's visit was a huge success, and a very emotional time. The nicest thing about it is that none of them dwelled on the past. Instead they focused on being together and making up for lost time.

I really liked her parents. I really can't believe they shut her out like that. They don't seem the type. But you never know with people. They can be wonderful and terrible at the same time. I guess that describes me to some extent.

Sophie's father took me aside and asked me if I was going to marry Sophie. I was prepared for this. I showed him the engagement ring. I haven't thought of a good way to pop the question yet, but think I have something that might work. Anyway, that set his mind at ease. I swore him to secrecy. Didn't want Sophie's mother to give it away.

So, the visit was all good, no drama. Just happiness.

Sophie and I promised that we would bring the kids down to Costa Rica in the near future. I'm looking forward to that. Never been there before. And, it would just be nice to get away. Sophie and I haven't had a real vacation.

I took Sophie's dad to The Last Bastion. He was impressed. He was even more impressed when I told him about Harrigan's and The Lost Retreat. He asked me how much I made from the bars. My dad always told me talking about your salary with others was like talking about your dick size. So, I was a little uncomfortable, though I did tell him.

Now they are gone, but Sophie is still in her state of bliss. Neither of her parents told her that I had been the one to bring them together. I'm glad they didn't, because I don't think Sophie would have been as happy if she learned that I made this happen.

Another day in the Harrigan household. I'm taking Sophie to dinner tonight and am going to ask her to marry me. I've written down what I am going to say, and I have been practicing it so I can get it just right. This is my proposal:

"I knew you were special when I first met you, but I was too blind to see what you would mean to me. We are here tonight because you took a leap of faith and told me you loved me. We are here tonight because I have realized how much I love you and that I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Sophie, will you marry me?"

Maybe it is a little cheesy, but it is how I feel. I remember how things were at the beginning of our relationship. I remember feeling trapped and reluctant. I was an idiot. Anyone can see that. I am lucky I didn't screw this up. Sophie has profoundly impacted me. She has had a greater impact on me than Nara and Lori combined. I have been blessed, and I don't deserve it at all.

# Self Betrayal

## April 5, 1999. Austin, TX

Sophie agreed to marry me on one condition: I never cheat on her again, thus proving that I am not very good at hiding my diary. She also thanked me for finding her parents and said that was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for her. Anyway, I apologized for cheating in a million different ways. I cried. I begged for forgiveness. Sophie just smiled and said, "I know you're a good person, Mark Harrigan, even if you don't know that yourself."

We're planning on an August wedding. Don't know where, but I don't think it matters that much.

Also, I won't be hiding my diary anymore.

## May 18, 1999. Austin, TX

Sophie and I decided to get married in Costa Rica. It seems fitting since the parents of the bride live there.

It is going to be a small wedding. Just my mom, Sophie's parents and us. I'll take that over a large ceremony any day.

It's strange how this all played out. I wonder when Sophie found out I cheated. Was it recent? While it happened? How did she manage to stay silent about it? Why didn't she leave me? She said I am a good person. I don't see that. I can do good things at times, but I don't think I'm a good person. Good people don't cheat. Good people don't lie.

Sophie stayed with me and appears to be happy despite my transgressions. Maybe I can relate. After all, I forgave Nara for what she did, and I got back together with her. But it took a long time before we reunited. Sophie forgave very quickly. There was no breakup. There were no tears. Well, none that I was aware of anyway.

Sophie is strong, stronger than I have been on my best day, and stronger than I will ever be.

I'm getting all mushy.

Anyway. Lot's happening, and more news.

Sophie is pregnant again. We did nothing to prevent it, of course, so we must have wanted it. It is a little daunting though. Max and Will are already a lot to handle. I don't know what we are going to do with a third child.

Sophie wants a girl this time. I'd prefer a boy, but whatever. I just don't know what to do with girls. It's not like I'm going to play dress up. I guess that is an immature point of view.

Pregnant. I keep saying that word. It's surreal. I wonder how many it will take before we start using contraceptives. Not a very Catholic thing to do, but neither is cheating.

Will turns three in a month, the little hellion. He is an absolute riot although he can get kind of fresh at times. I haven't been very careful around him and as a result he lets out the occasional "dammit" or "shit." Sophie isn't amused.

Sophie is making her lasagna. It's the best. I wish she would make it more often, but she says I'll get fat if she does. She prefers my ass boney.

Went to the bar last night. Slow night. Travis showed up. He was complaining about Bebe because Bebe outed him. I told him Bebe outed him long ago. That pissed him off. Why did he care, I asked and he said he was embarrassed to be gay. He said he hated being gay, but couldn't help it. I didn't know what to say to that. So, I said, if you're not happy with who you are you aren't really living. Totally hypocritical thing to say, and I have no clue what corner of my ass I pulled it out of, but I think there is some truth in it. It made Travis think anyway.

I don't like Bebe. She is mean spirited and bitchy. And Dean isn't that much better. I'm glad I don't see them that often. The twins I like, and Jolene is nice too, although I hardly ever see her. It's just the two poison pills that are a problem.

Anyway, I was thinking about Tony Pina this morning. Trying to figure out who is worse—him or me. Still haven't figured that out, but I'm sure I will.

## August 27, 1999. Costa Rica

We had the ceremony on Sophie's parent's estate, a ten acre plot of land in the hills overlooking the Pacific Ocean. It was perfect. After the ceremony, we had an early dinner and then the we all changed and went to the beach. Not very traditional, but a lot of fun.

That night we all sat out on the porch by the pool. Will fell in the pool at one point, but was okay. Sophie had already taught him how to swim.

Sophie's father, George, had a lot of questions about the bars. He wanted to know what motivated me to open them. I told him it was an old idea but that it took some prodding from my father to get me to do it, and told him that I never could have pulled it off without my father's help. I started getting a little choked up at that point, so I took a few deep breaths.

George was once the CEO of a manufacturing company. They made aircraft parts. He had been working for this company for over twenty years when a much larger company acquired it. George lost his job, but he made so much money when the company was bought that it didn't matter. Sarah was a nurse, but she stopped working after George became CEO.

They moved from LA to Costa Rica in 1994. Before they moved they tried to find Sophie, but were unable to do so. Sophie had pulled a disappearing act of her own, not leaving forwarding addresses and having no phone in her name. I looked at Sophie when Sarah told me that and Sophie just shrugged. Sophie has secrets too, it seems.

We turned in around ten. Sophie's parents had prepared one of their guest rooms with a crib and low bed for the boys. Sophie and I slept in the room next store. Before I fell asleep, I turned to Sophie and said, "Are you happy? I mean, really happy?"

"I wouldn't have married you if I wasn't happy, dimwit," was her response.

We stayed in Costa Rica another four days, spending most of our time by the pool or at the beach. It was the most relaxing vacation I have ever had. Considering the fact that we had two very energetic little boys with us, that's saying a lot.

Back home now. I rented a plane for a day. Sophie is going to give me an aerial tour of Austin and beyond. It will be the first time I've been in a plane with her. I'm not as nervous as I would have been back in December when she got her certificate.

After the flight, we're going to head over to The Last Bastion for a couple drinks, and then back home.

I'd say how great life is, but I don't want to jinx it.

## October 18, 1999. West Palm Beach, FL

Sophie had a close call the other day while taking off. Behind her a plane had been cleared for landing. She was just turning up the throttle when the other plane flew right over her and touched down. Scared the shit out of her. Scared me even more. If she didn't love flying so much I would forbid her from doing it.

We had a fight at The Last Bastion last night. Pretty big one too. Apparently, some guy called another guy's girlfriend a bloated pig to his face, not knowing that he was her boyfriend. Ugly scene. So, those two started fighting and then they knocked over some guy that then joined the fray, and then more people got into it. Had to call the police. They arrested several people. This is the second fight I've had in one of my bars. Really cheapens the bars and makes people not want to come. But, I don't know how you can stop it. People kinda suck sometimes.

Sophie and I are in West Palm. I'm doing my usual check-in at the bar.

We are going to leave the kids with my mom tonight and go out with Jay and his latest girl. We're going to see one of the local bands in the bar next to mine on Clematis. Jay is going to sit in on the drums. We were planning on seeing Jay's band play, but their guitar player broke his arm so they had to cancel the show.

Tomorrow, Sophie and I are going to take the kids to Lion Country Safari out in Loxahatchee, a backwater area next to Wellington. At Lion Country Safari you drive your car through the game preserve and look at all sorts of different animals, lions, rhinos, giraffes, chimpanzees, elephants and so on. I went there when I was a kid. I remember crying when a rhino came up to my parents' car. My father told me to quit being such a baby. I held a grudge for some time after that.

So, I think the kids will really get a kick out of this.

After that we're going to the beach with my mom. Then we will go back to Austin the day after.

I'm going to stay in Austin for a couple of days, then I'm going to Seattle. That will be a short visit. I have to hire another bartender because two of my bartenders have asked to reduce their hours.

Then home again. I have to find a roofer. My roof is over fifteen years old. And I need to get the pool patio resurfaced. Pretty mundane stuff, but necessary.

Lori called recently. One of the books in her series was number one in the romance category on some list. She wanted to thank me. I asked why she was thanking me and she said she never could have finished the first book if I hadn't supported her. Anyway, I congratulated her and that was pretty much the end of the conversation.

I wonder how much money Lori is making from book sales? I mean, how many could she possibly sell? A million? That seems high. How many lonely and horny women are out there? That's her demographic, right? Demographic. Big word. Proud of myself for using it. But, really, how many could she sell? I wanted to ask but thought it rude.

I haven't heard a word from Pamela. I guess I didn't expect to, but you never know. The fact that she moved to Austin to be with me speaks volumes about her state of mind. I guess I'm lucky that she has disappeared.

I'm keeping busy, staying positive, doing the right things, and I am being rewarded for it. Things are as they should be. Now, if only I could figure out the bass line to _YYZ_. Why can't I be rewarded with that ability?

## November 25, 1999. Austin, TX

Thanksgiving at home. Sophie is doing all the cooking and I am sneaking bites here and there. We finished all of our holiday shopping yesterday. Decided not to go overboard this year, although I did spend a lot on a signed Rolling Stones album for Jay. I thought it would compliment the Beatles album I gave him a while back.

There really isn't much to report right now. Life has been drama free.

I have been flying with Sophie a few times now. It's nowhere near as frightening now. She is a pro. Yesterday we went up in a really nice twin engine. Much nicer than the other planes we've been in. Sophie loved it. If it wasn't so expensive, I tell her to fly that plane all the time, but it is about double the cost of the other plane we rent.

Sophie told me she wishes she had become a commercial pilot. I told her she never would have met wonderful me if she had. She laughed and kissed me and said, "So what?" What if she was being serious? I doubt it, but for a second there I believed her.

We had Jolene, Travis, and the twins over for dinner and drinks the other night. I didn't invite Bebe and Dean. I've pretty much written them off. They bring too much negativity with them.

So, the gang was here and we had a good time. We played some card game the twins like to play and watched a football game. I don't know who was playing. Really don't like football, but Travis and the twins do, so whatever.

Sophie spent most of the night talking to Jolene. I guess Jolene was in a bad place, having broken up with her boyfriend. I almost asked Travis why he told me she was gay, but decided to save that for another time. Anyway, I had never met her boyfriend, and was surprised she even had one. I seriously doubt he is a work of fiction in the same vein as Travis's girlfriend.

The next day, we started shopping, Sophie and I splitting up to cover more ground. That lasted two days. While I'm good at shopping, I really don't like it unless I'm manic. It is easy to go overboard if I am not kept in check. But, I kept it together. Most of the gifts are for the boys. I bought Sophie a pair of diamond earrings and some naughty lingerie and not much else. I don't know what she bought me. I could go hunting for it in the house, but I think that would be wasted time. She is much better at hiding things than I am.

So, that's it. Everything is as it should be. Happy. Secure. A little horny right now. Wonder where Sophie is?

## December 1, 1999. Austin, TX

Claire Marion Harrigan was born at 8:29 AM on December 1, 1999.

It was a long night and a tough labor. Sophie was in a lot of pain, but she refused painkillers. There was also a bit of a complication. The umbilical cord was wrapped around Claire's neck. So, they performed a cesarean section. What confuses me is why they let Sophie suffer so long before they discovered the problem with the umbilical cord. I'm no doctor, but it seems to me this is something you would check early on.

Claire weighed six pounds three ounces. Pretty light.

Sophie is recovering from the cesarean right now, and she is on painkillers. Kind of loopy, barely awake.

Three kids now. I get the feeling we will be like one of those really traditional Catholic families that have like eight kids. I guess I'm fine with that, but we'll need a bigger house.

I told Sophie that I thought we should hire a nanny. Sophie asked where she would sleep and I told her we could convert part of the basement into a bedroom. Then she asked if I thought she couldn't handle three kids. I told her I definitely thought she could, but that having a nanny would allow us to have a life that we couldn't have if we were raising the kids by ourselves. Sophie accepted that argument. So, we're getting a nanny as soon as I can get the basement completed. It is a big basement, so I figure I can put in the bedroom, a bathroom, a kitchenette and a living area. That will take up pretty much the entire basement.

Okay, enough writing. I need sleep.

## January 1, 2000. Austin, TX

Pamela threatened to expose me last night. I was getting ready to leave the bar and she strolled in and started with, "It was really sick, the way you took advantage of me." She was slurring.

"What are you talking about?"

"After Peter died. You took advantage." She steadied herself at the bar and turned to me with a baleful stare. Nice new word, but onward.

"Oh, come on. That wasn't taking advantage and anyway, you were into it." Despite what I said, I did feel like I had taken advantage of her that night, but I wasn't about to say it.

"I was drunk."

"So was I. Are you serious about this?"

"Very serious." She wobbled and burped.

"Pamela, I was in no way shape or form trying to take advantage of you."

"Yes, you were. Who sleeps with someone a week after they lose their boyfriend?"

"You weren't even faithful to him!"

"That doesn't matter one bit. Not one bit, dammit."

"Look. The only thing I do believe is that we never should have hooked up that night or any of the times after that. We were both doing something wrong. But this taking advantage crap. Completely bogus."

"I should tell Sophie what you did. Let her decide if you took advantage of me." Pamela's eyes were shifting around. It was uncomfortable to watch.

"Sophie already knows. She read my diary. It is very detailed. She knows about every single time we were together, and even what we did."

"Don't believe you. You're lying."

"Look, you can tell her if you want. Anyway, you're drunk as hell. Let me call you a cab."

"Why don't you love me?" The tears began.

"Pamela, I don't know the answer to that question, although maybe it's because my relationship with you started out inappropriately and continued the be inappropriate the entire time. Don't you see that? It was cheating. It was wrong."

"What...um...did you find religion or something?"

"Something like that. Now, let me get you a cab."

"You can be all nice and shit, but it's not going to stop me from telling Sophie everything."

"Fine Pamela. Tell her everything. But, it's not going to make anything any better. You're just going to hurt her, not me. What has she ever done to you?"

"She stole you from me."

"Pamela, you and I were never a couple, and neither of us ever wanted to be until you started talking about what a great couple we would make. But that was after I got together with Sophie, so she didn't 'steal' me from you. I was already with her."

"I hate you so much."

"Fine. Hate me, but I don't hate you. Please take a cab home and sleep this off."

"Fine, asshole. Where's my cab?"

The cab arrived five uncomfortable minutes later and she was gone.

As promised, she called Sophie this morning and told her everything. I warned Sophie that this was going to happen. Sophie handled it well. She felt sorry for Pamela. However, she didn't feel sorry for me. I think her comment was, "See what your reckless behavior does." Way to take Pamela's side, Sophie. It's still stinging even now.

So ended my relationship with Pamela, or so I hope.

On another note, what was all this Y2K crap? My computer is just fine. Everyone has been in a panic about it.

Oh, I found a new game. It's called Unreal Tournament. I had to upgrade my computer in order to run it, but it was well worth it. It is a 3D shooter where you play with other people on the internet. There are different types of games you can play like capture the flag and death match. Whatever the game type the goal is basically to kill as many people as possible. It even has a low gravity mode where you can jump way high. I'm currently ranked number two hundred one in the global rankings. That is out of thousands upon thousands of players.

I love video games. I truly do.

## February 19, 2000. Austin, TX

The renovations on the basement are complete and our new nanny starts tomorrow. Her name is Rachael. She was a student at the university, but dropped out because she couldn't afford to continue. I think she is twenty-one. Anyway, a nice girl. She is a little inexperienced though, but Sophie plans on training her.

I'm going to Seattle tomorrow. Normal check-in. Everything is going great there. In fact, The Lost Retreat is my most profitable bar. It's kind of odd, considering it doesn't really have a great location. Harrigan's and The Last Bastion have amazing locations. But, The Lost Retreat is number one. Maybe I'm not doing enough to promote the other two. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I don't know enough, but then I look at how the bars are doing and I think maybe I do.

Will and Max are getting a kick out of having a little sister. We've let Will hold her on his lap. He talks to her and tells her he loves her. Max is more interested in kissing her.

Claire is a crier. I swear she is always in tears, which is more than a little frustrating. Sophie says it will pass and that she might be having gas pains or constipation. Whatever the case, the crying never ends. I hope this isn't a glimpse into the future

Pamela called three times. I didn't answer. I have to ignore her or she will never stop hounding me.

Lori published a new book. She really cranks them out. I was going to call her, but figured it would be a bad idea. I don't think Sophie would like that. Anyway, why do I need to talk to Lori?

I need earplugs. The crying is just too much. All day, all night. Crying.

## March 24, 2000. Austin, TX

I had a full blown manic episode last week. Ended up getting really drunk. Crashed my car. I'm lucky the police didn't catch me. Sophie was pretty ticked off. She made me call Doctor Phil first thing in the morning and then drove me to his office to make sure I actually went.

Doctor Phil made some changes to my medication and now things are evening out. The scary thing was I didn't even realize it was happening. If Sophie suspected I was going through it she didn't say anything.

I think things like this must scare Sophie. I know it scares me. But, it is different for her, because she is more vulnerable than I am. I'm not vulnerable, actually. I'm weak, and when I get like that I go off on wild tangents and do crazy things.

This time, I was pretty lucky. All I did was crash my car. Well, I freaked out Sophie too. Both things can be repaired. But, with Sophie, I wonder how much it will take before she writes me off. I know it can't go on forever like this, but I don't know what I can do to stop it.

I've started meditating again, hoping that will help. I don't know why I stopped. It seemed to be doing so much good. I need to pay more attention to my state of mind, although that is extremely difficult to do.

So, bad episode. Sophie not happy. I'm feeling stupid. Hoping it won't happen again any time soon and that if it does, I don't get drunk and crash my car. Again, I was very lucky the cops didn't catch me. The car was still drivable after the accident, an altercation with a nice white picket fence. The fence was the clear loser. I got the address of the house and am going to send a check to cover the cost of repairing the fence. It's the least I can do.

In other news, Jay is getting married. Big surprise. We haven't talked about the bride to be all that much.

Anyway, he is wasting no time. The wedding is next Sunday. It's going to be at some Episcopalian church. I didn't know Jay was religious. In fact, I thought he was an atheist. Full of surprises, that Jay.

I am going to be the best man. I don't think he is going to have any other groomsmen. I have no idea what his fiancé is going to do.

So, we are going to go there Friday. I'll get to meet the wife to be and either give my blessing or tell Jay to run away. I think she'll be fine. Jay has pretty good taste. His only problem is that he breaks up with all of them after a couple of months.

This points out a problem. I have really fallen out of touch with Jay. I mean, after I left Florida I still talked to him, but those conversations have become less frequent over the years. It's my fault. He calls me and leaves me messages and I take forever to get back to him. No idea why I do that, but I do, and now I am regretting it. Jay is the best friend I've ever had. Actually, he is one of the few friends I have ever had. I mean, I can count the number of friends I have on two hands. It's that bad. I swear up and down that I want to make new friends, but I rarely do.

Who do I have right now? Jay, Travis, Jolene, the twins. I'm not counting Bebe or Dean. So, I can count my friends on one hand. I don't include people like Lori and Sophie in there because they are romantic interests.

Okay, I have to do better with Jay and make new friends. I'm getting really good at telling myself what to do. Not so good at following through though.

## April 10, 2000. Seattle, WA

Jay's wedding was awesome. Simple ceremony, huge party. I never realized how many friends Jay has. His wife is great. Perfect for him. So, it's all good.

Pamela called today. She wanted to apologize. I let her apologize, accepted the apology, and then told her I was late for a doctor's appointment. Before I hung up she told me she missed me. I didn't respond to that.

So, it's clearly not over with Pamela. Well, it's not over for her. I am pretty sure I am going to get more calls. Pathetic.

Anyway, I told Sophie she called and Sophie asked why I answered the phone. I told her the call came from a number I didn't recognize, which was a lie. The real answer is that I don't know why I answered. But, I don't think I am interested in starting anything back up with Pamela.

In other news, Sophie is going to fly me out to Tucson. We are going to splurge and get a twin-engine turbo prop for the trip. A ton of money, but worth it, I think.

My mom is going to fly out to help Rachael with the kids. Sophie still thinks Rachael isn't ready to handle them on her own.

In Tucson, we are going to stay at a resort and spa. We plan on doing some hiking, visiting the airplane graveyard, going out to Dirtbags and maybe The Shelter. It's a short trip.

I'm guessing I am going to get Sophie pregnant on this trip. I've been paying attention to her menstrual cycle and I'm pretty sure she is going to be very fertile while we are in Tucson. However, part of me thinks I should beg Sophie to go on the pill. The reason for that is Claire's crying. I don't think I can handle another crying child.

In Seattle, checking in. Things are good. My only concern is that Pamela is not going to leave me alone. The best I can do now is not answer the phone. But, even then she can find me at The Last Bastion. I just hope she doesn't cause a scene.

What is that cliché? You reap what you sow? I'm doing a lot of reaping.

## June 16, 2000. Austin, TX

Sophie and I had a long conversation about having more children. While she was not against it, she did admit that three was a lot to handle. I asked her if she would go on the pill. She told me she had tried the pill before and that it had not agreed with her. So, I offered to get a vasectomy. I am very brave.

I went to the doctor for an initial consultation. After he explained the procedure I was put at ease. It is nothing really, and all I have to do after the procedure is sit on a bag of frozen peas for a couple of days.

I'm going in tomorrow to get it done.

Not much else going on. Looking back, our trip to Tucson was pretty good, although the flight in was pretty bumpy. Made me sick, although it didn't barf in the plane. Sophie let me sit in the co-pilot's seat although she warned me to not touch anything. I'm an obedient guy.

In Tucson, we ended up spending all of our time at the resort. No hiking. No Dirtbags. No airplane graveyard. Instead we got different spa treatments and sat out by the pool. It was great, although I really would have liked to go to Dirtbags. But, Sophie doesn't want me drinking, so I go without.

Back home, there was a little mishap. Will was playing with my stereo and managed to blow out two of the speakers. Not a total disaster, but a pain in the ass. I didn't realize he could reach the stereo.

Other than that, things were fine. My mother said Rachael did a great job.

So, now, my mother is back in West Palm and we are back into our normal routine.

Up until now, Will and Max have shared a bedroom. But that is starting to be a problem. They fight a lot and it is getting increasingly difficult to control them when they are around each other. The only solution is for me to give up my music room. It used to be in the study, but I outgrew that room. So now I have to figure out what to do.

I have a lot of land, over three acres, so I am considering building a barn in the back yard. I'll get it hooked up to electricity, insulate it, etc. I don't know how much that will cost, but I think it is the best option. It is unfortunate that I had to convert the basement to living space, but it was necessary.

Anyway, the barn could be my sanctuary. I could have all my music gear and computer gear in there. Just need to get an estimate. Maybe fifty thousand dollars? I haven't the faintest, but I figure I've been making more than I've been spending by a pretty wide margin, so I can afford it no matter what it costs.

I'm getting a bit hyper lately. No sleep. But, I'm keeping it together. I think this is just a little one. I've told Sophie and am seeing Doctor Phil in the morning. This is the new drill that Sophie created for me. When I think something is starting, whether it is depression or mania, I tell her and immediately go to the doctor. I had argued against this, saying that going to the doctor didn't make sense if I just thought I might be starting. Sophie said too bad, so now I'm going to Doctor Phil. He will probably knock up my lithium. He never really changes the other medications.

## June 17, 2000. Austin, TX

I described my condition to Doctor Phil in a somewhat different way today, perhaps because my symptoms have manifested themselves differently of late. Actually, they might have been this way all along. Hard to say.

Anyway. I told him that I was having a lot of trouble concentrating and that I was having problems with my memory. That was my filtered down version of things. Dr. Phil gave me a prescription for something called amphetamine salts. So, it is speed. Legal speed. I love speed.

So, I filled the prescription and took a pill(I'm supposed to take two a day). I can feel it, but it is subtle. As I write my thoughts are more directed and I have a kind of euphoria. This makes me want more powerful speed, but I wouldn't do that. Who knows what I would do if I started taking speed again?

I'll live with what the good doctor gave me for now. It is pretty good, just not terribly powerful.

Today, I am going to call Glen, the contractor who did all the work in The Last Bastion. Going to see if he can build me a barn.

## August 24, 2000. Austin, TX

I might end up regretting this, but I have decided I need to keep my diary private. So, I have branched it off into a hidden file on my computer. I'll keep writing in the notebooks, but I will only put stuff in there that won't make Sohpie upset. I would stop writing in that diary altogether, but Sophie would probably question me. I am pretty sure she still reads it from time too time. Anyway, I have thoughts that I don't want to share, and I am doing things I don't want Sophie to know about.

This new diary is a big relief, primarily because the old diary was turning into a work of fiction. I mean, things are pretty good, but they aren't that good. I can get pretty annoyed with things, and I often have a strong desire to go to the bar and put down a few beers, but Sophie won't let me do that. She'll let me go to the bar, of course, because I have to, but she won't let me touch alcohol. I drink anyway. That's why I keep a bottle of mouthwash in my car. It completely masks the smell of alcohol.

I'm not out getting drunk though. I just want to unwind, and when I am getting a little funky, I like to take the edge off with a few beers. I don't see why that is so bad.

Two weeks ago I asked my doctor if I could take more of my amphetamines, but he wouldn't write a script for a higher dosage. He said it is a drug that is easily abused. I accepted his answer, then after the appointment, I found another doctor, Doctor Potkewitz, who wrote me a prescription for at a higher dosage. I was worried that this one would call Doctor Phil and ask for my files, but he hasn't done that. So, now I am taking 120 mg of it a day, a big improvement over the 40 mg I was taking.

I'm tempted to find yet another doctor, but I'm worried about being found out.

I am paying for Doctor Potkewitz's prescription out of pocket because I am worried that the insurance company might flag filling two different prescriptions for the same medicine somehow. Not sure, but I'm not taking any chances. Also, I am filling the two prescriptions at different pharmacies. Seems prudent.

I feel better than I've ever felt before. Well, that isn't entirely true. I feel better in one way, but much worse in another. The amphetamine salts are responsible for the good feelings. Life is responsible for the bad ones.

Right now, I'm on my computer looking out the window watching the workers build the new barn. The floor and the framing are done. Now they are putting on the roof and the siding. It was designed to look like a traditional red barn with a roof that looks more like the modern flat top on my house. The red compliments the grayish tan of my house. Pretty cool. It is 30x20, has a loft, a full bathroom, and a kitchenette. Electrical outlets line the walls and are embedded in the floor. It has many windows and two skylights. I'm going to put a bed in the loft. Not sure why, but it seems like a good idea. Maybe guests can stay there.

I'm also going to put my computer out there. I get a little paranoid when I'm typing on he computer in here, since my back is to the door. Don't need Sophie to catch me writing this diary.

I feel free to express myself now, and I really need that. Ultimately, I think this will improve things and that will make Sophie happy, because lately she has been asking me how I am doing a little too often.

## September 28, 2000. Seattle, WA

I needed a break from Sophie and the kids so I decided to make the rounds to Seattle and West Palm.

Before I came to Seattle, I called Lori to see if she wanted to get together. Completely innocent. I wasn't looking for sex.

Anyway, she said yes, and so last night we went out to dinner and then to the bar.

Apparently, she is making a pretty decent living off of the books. A long time ago, she sold the movie rights to her first book. Then nothing happened for a long while. Now, it looks like the movie is going to be made. She told me she isn't going to make a ton of money off of it, but that if the movie does well they might make a sequel, and she will make much more.

I told her the whole Nara and Sophie story and about the kids. She asked if I was happy and I said I was but I felt stifled.

Lori said she always wondered if I should be allowed to drink. She thought it brought out my dark side and believed it was responsible for my cheating more than the bipolar was. Lori also thinks I am an alcoholic, even if I don't always drink excessively. She might be right. I do drink a lot and often. I drink less these days because Sophie won't let me, which I resent.

So, after Lori left, I closed the bar. Sophie had called a number of times that night and I hadn't answered. I called Sophie and her first question was, "Mark, have you been drinking?" I said no. "Why haven't you answered your phone?" I said it was really loud in the bar and I didn't hear the phone ring. That seemed to satisfy her. She asked me if I was okay and I asked her why she would ask that and she said I had been acting strange lately. "How so?" I asked. "I don't know. You've just been really distant lately. I'm worried about you." I said, "I'm fine. Nothing to worry about." But, I wasn't fine. I was annoyed.

My mental health has become a frequent topic in my conversations with Sophie. She is constantly worried about my state of mind, which irritates the living shit out of me. Ninety percent of the time I'm just fine. And I'm still not that bad the other ten percent of the time, except on rare occasions. So, it really gets under my skin when Sophie starts grilling me about how I am doing. I know she wants to be there for me and doesn't want me to do anything stupid, but she needs to back the fuck off. If I need help, I'll ask for it.

Before I started this new diary, I had to bottle that up. Now, I have an outlet, even if it is just a conversation with myself.

I'm annoyed. Sophie annoys me. My hyper and constantly crying kids are annoying me. I am annoying the shit out of myself, and I don't see any relief any time soon. I wish I could drink whenever I wanted to and that I was free to live my life without being under a microscope.

I have promised myself that I am going to make more frequent trips to West Palm and Seattle, for no other reason than getting away from the noise and scrutiny. These are going to be short trips so Sophie won't want to come. She doesn't like traveling with the kids any more than I do, so it shouldn't be difficult for me to break away.

## October 2, 2000. Austin, TX

I feel like I have come round full circle and that bad decisions of the past are being made again.

On Saturday, while in West Palm, I went to Harrigan's with Jay. I had a few drinks and was feeling it, so I slowed down so I would keep the buzz at that level.

Around ten o'clock, Sophie called. I told her I was going back to my apartment. So, I did just that. I then called Sophie from the apartment phone, to reassure her that I was really there.

We talked for a while, but my head wasn't really in the conversation. She asked me if I was okay, and I told her I was fine and that I just needed some sleep.

After I got off the phone, I left my apartment and went to a strip club. I think it was the same place I had been to so many years before.

I was feeling pretty drunk, and was in rebellious mood. When I got a lap dance from this stripper with a gorgeous body and a passable face, she offered a private session in the back of the club. I thought that was a little promising, so I asked her when she got off work. She said any time.

She wanted two hundred dollars for the night. I offered a hundred for two hours. I did not want this woman sleeping over at my apartment.

We drove our cars to my place, went inside and did the deed and then she left.

Of course, I feel like a dumb ass and a shit. This is exactly the sort of thing I promised myself I wouldn't do anymore.

Mark Harrigan + Beer = Mr. Hyde

Sophie will never find out about it, which is a big relief, but I'll know and I'll keep kicking myself until my ass is nothing but bruises.

I had sex with Sophie last night, but I could barely keep an erection. I told her I had no clue what was going on and said maybe I was preoccupied with the bars or something. Sophie accepted it and did her best to please me, ultimately succeeding. I am so disgusted with myself.

I feel like I can't breathe and like everything around me has slowed to a crawl. Sounds are muted and there is static all around.

I'm not leaving Austin again unless it is with Sophie and the kids. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to The Last Bastion without Sophie either.

No more temptation. No more sinning. I'd ask for forgiveness, but that would only lead to a divorce. I couldn't handle a divorce. Not in this state.

## October 15, 2000

I have herpes, or at least that is what Google and some nice medical sites with really gross pictures would have me believe. I went to the clinic to get tested. Should have results in a day or two. I told them I would pay extra if that would speed things up, but they said it wouldn't.

But, I know about the herpes, and given that I have slept with Sophie a few times, I think it is safe to say I've spread it to her.

I can't discuss it with her until I get back the lab results, though. I have to know everything I have.

If it is just Herpes, then things are simple. I can tell Sophie that I probably got it from Nara, who had it, although I never thought I got it from her. Herpes can have a long incubation period, so it's not a stretch to say that. Anyway, it is a terrible lie, par for the course for me.

If it is more than Herpes, I might be able to do the same thing, but it will be difficult to sell it.

Another option is to blame it all on Pamela, but for some reason I am reluctant to do that. I guess it would make that transgression even worse.

The bottom line is Sophie is going to be pretty damned upset about all of this, and I'm not prepared to expose myself as a cheat. So, instead of being a cheat I will be a liar. Well, I'm still a cheat, but whatever. I just need to get through this without major drama.

So, I'm praying that it is just Herpes, and also that Sophie didn't get it. But, what value do my prayers have? I am really praying to not get caught, not to spare Sophie.

I'm getting into a really bad place. Guilt, uncertainty, self-hatred. Fear. Overwhelming fear. My hands are shaking worse than ever. I am having trouble typing.

All my thoughts are bent on evading capture. Getting caught is not an option. And, I fear I will be caught, and that is driving me mad. I can't sleep. I can barely eat. My hands are shaking all the time now. I can't stay in conversations. I am basically ignoring everyone around me.

Sophie is aware I am having problems, and I have told her that it is an episode, although I don't think it is. I also told her that I called Dr. Phil and that he has me taking more lithium. It has bought me time, but not much.

I need the lab results back. I need it to just be the Herpes. But, I have convinced myself it will be much worse than that.

I could run away, go live on some island. I have the money. But, it would mean leaving everything behind. I could still manage the bars, I suppose. But, that is no comfort. I would be leaving Sophie and the kids behind. I would leave her more than enough money to get by, and could sign the house over to her I think. Am I capable of this? What does it say about me?

But, that doesn't matter. I'm already a monster. Leaving wouldn't make it any worse. What it would do is rob me of the life I thought I wanted. But, I have corrupted whatever joy I had and have become twisted and perverse. I do not believe for a second that I am going to magically heal myself and stop this madness. If I could do that I already would have.

How much does my bipolar disorder factor into this? Do I do all of these things because I am sick? Would I be this way if I didn't have the disorder? Things have gotten to a point where I only find out I am having a manic episode when Sophie notices it. Further, I don't know when I'm depressed without Sophie telling me. So, I don't know if I am down or manic when I cheat.

I know I lie all the time. I can't stop myself from lying. And, I lie sometimes about the dumbest things. Little lies, ways to deflect the attention that is being given to me.

And, I know I am a bad father. I spend all my time in the barn, and very little with Will, Max and Claire. It makes Sophie really sad. She tells me I am missing out on something wonderful and that the children are losing a father, a good father according to Sophie. But I don't see it that way. Some day, my kids are going to find out what I have done and they are going to be horrified.

If I leave now, I will minimize the damage I do to the kids. They are still young. They will forget me. It will break my heart, but my heart is already in pieces.

I want to die, but I can't drive myself to suicide. Perhaps that dark and perverse side of me wants to live to play out his twisted fantasies. He won't let me do it.

I want to die. Give me a heart attack, God. Drive a bus over me. Lightning, plague, a bullet to the head. Just make it end.

## October 18, 2000. Austin, TX

It's just herpes. I have told Sophie. I used a convenient lie. Nara had herpes, but I thought I hadn't caught it. If there is an afterlife, when I get there, Nara is going to kick me in the balls.

Sophie seemed to accept it and said she didn't think she had it. I told her if she did, it might take a while to come out. Not reassuring, but truthful. I apologized for not telling her I had been exposed to it, but said it had been so long that I thought I was in the clear.

She said she wasn't mad. All that mattered to her was that we were a family. We could get through this together. I wanted to scream. She should have flown off the handle. She should have hit me. Called me a prick and a scumbag. But, no. The ever reasonable, ever loving Sophie turned it into something positive.

I've dodged the bullet, but I still want to run away. It's two things: the guilt, and the knowledge that I will keep doing this. And, if I keep doing this, I am going to get caught, and I'll lose everything anyway.

My hands are shaking a lot less and I am not as distracted, but I don't feel any better.

I tried to play bass this morning. Played maybe three songs, then I took my favorite bass and smashed it to pieces. I still haven't cleaned up the mess. I almost want to leave it there, a grim reminder and a warning. I might break more than that if I stay like this.

I talked to Jay. Told him everything. He asked if I was feeling "normal." I said, "No clue." He asked if he should come out, and I said he should. He will be here tomorrow.

Until then, I am hiding in the barn. Sophie has come out a number of times to talk. She is worried. I guess she should be worried. I keep telling her I will be okay. But, it leads to something like this:

"But you're not okay. You're a mess. You need to see your doctor. Please call him."

"I already called him and he changed my medicine. I just have to wait for it to work."

"It's been almost a week. It should have worked by now, Mark."

I'm tempted to tell her the truth, that I didn't call my doctor, but I say, "It takes time sometimes. You have to be patient."

"Are you really taking your medication?" she said.

That stopped me. I hadn't been taking it. I didn't want to take it, and I resented her for asking. "Of course, I'm taking it. I'm not an idiot. I don't have a death wish."

"I'm sorry. It's just that sometimes you stop taking it and you say you are taking it."

"This is not one of those times. Look. I just need to be alone. I need to sort things out."

"You're always alone, Mark. You don't spend any time with the kids and me. I don't understand. It's not normal."

"Well, I'm not normal."

Then she started crying, and I did very little to comfort her. She left me alone in the barn.

I can't think straight. I don't know what I want. I don't know why I have rejected Sophie and the kids. I am completely out of control. I should take my medicine, but it's not going to help. I've been taking it for years and I have fucked up on a regular basis. Maybe it's not the right medicine for me. I don't know.

All I know is that something has to change or I am going to lose it.

## October 20, 2000. Austin, TX

Jay arrived yesterday. We spent most of the day in the barn. I had bought a drum kit ages ago, thinking Jay and I could play when he visited. We never did. But, yesterday we did. It felt good. For a while there all the poison left my mind and I was Mark Harrigan again.

Last night, Jay, Sophie and I went to The Last Bastion and hung out.

Sophie didn't give me any shit for drinking, but I could tell she was keeping track of how much I drank.

Most of the time, Jay and I talked. We had a lot of catching up to do. Jay kept bringing Sophie into the conversation, which annoyed me for some reason. But, I played along.

We went home and Jay and I went back to the barn to play. Jay knows just about any song I can name, so he was able to play all of the songs I know. That's about forty songs now. We were up until four, at which point I left him in the barn and went to bed.

Sophie was awake. She had been crying. My initial reaction was disgust. But that changed before I could make some callous remark. Not knowing what to say, I kissed her and curled up next to her. We fell asleep and woke up at nine.

"Do you love me?" she said.

"Yes, Sophie, I do."

"You don't act like you love me."

"I know. I'm sorry. I've been going through something. I don't know what it is. I want to be alone all the time. It's infuriating."

"I want to go to couples therapy, Mark. I think we have to do that to save our marriage."

"I hate therapy. Look. This is going to pass and everything is going to go back to normal. You just have to be patient."

"You've been like this for too long and it has been getting worse. Please, go to therapy with me. I'm begging you."

I wanted to scream "Fuck You!" Instead, I said, "Fine. You're going to need to find the therapist."

"I already did."

I got out of bed, went into the bathroom and showered. I couldn't be around her. I felt betrayed for reasons I didn't understand.

After my shower, I poked my head into the barn. Jay was sitting on the sofa watching TV.

"You okay, man?" he said.

"No. I'm ticked off. Sophie wants me to go to couples therapy with her."

"I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you need to treat Sophie better. She is an amazing woman. You're lucky you have her, and you are tossing her aside. Why?"

"I don't deserve her, Jay. And, I know that I am going to continue to cheat and lie. I can't control it."

"Yes, you can. You need help though. Doesn't your doctor help?"

"In a way, but I don't really tell him everything. I'm too embarrassed. Let's face it, I've become a monster."

"Yeah, you have, but you can change that."

"How? I don't think a confession is going to stop me. I don't think even the wisdom of a trained professional is going to help me put the brakes on."

"Then what are you going to do? You're going to lose Sophie, and if you do, what will you do? Will you raise Will on your own? I don't think you can do that. You can't even take care of yourself."

"Thanks for the reassuring words, Jay. Anyway, I would let Sophie have Will. I know I can't take care of him."

"Look. You have to fix this. You are spiraling and you are going to crash, and when you do it is going to be ten kinds of ugly."

"I'm thinking of leaving."

"You mean abandoning. That's not the answer, man. You're only going to get worse."

"But, if I leave there won't be anyone to betray. Then I can have a clear conscience. If I stay, I will just do the same shit and I will feel even worse."

"You need to see your doctor, and you need to see him more often than you are. How often do you go to him?"

"I haven't been in over a month."

"Jesus, Mark. You have to see how insane that is. You have to go...for Sophie, for your kids. I know you don't really want to lose them. You can come back from this."

"I don't know. I don't trust myself anymore. I feel like there is no going back."

"I want you to call your doctor right now and make an appointment with him for today or tomorrow and if he says he doesn't have any openings tell him it is an emergency."

"Jesus. Are you really going to make me do this?"

"Call him."

I pulled out my phone and called Doctor Phil. My appointment is tomorrow morning at seven. I'm going to go, but only because I don't want to disappoint Jay.

Jay, Sophie and I are going to go out tonight. I am going to try to be nicer to Sophie. I know I don't have any good reason to resent her the way I do.

## October 21, 2000. Austin, TX

I did better with Sophie last night. I guess I feel relieved. Jay helped, of course. He steered the conversation.

At one point Sophie grabbed my hand under the table. She gave me a squeeze and smiled. I haven't seen her smile in a long time. It made me feel terrible. I kept holding her hand for pretty much the rest of the night.

We got home and went to bed. We couldn't have sex because I am having an outbreak. I can tell this is going to be a constant problem for me.

Before she fell asleep, Sophie thanked me and told me she loved me. I thanked her for putting up with my shit.

I went to my appointment this morning. I told Doctor Phil a lot of things, but I didn't tell him about the cheating, and lied about the herpes. I'm not sure he bought everything I was saying. I know that there were gaps in my story and that I didn't give a very solid reason for all of the guilt I felt. At the end of the appointment, he wrote me a prescription for Klonopin. He said it would take the edge off things.

So, now I am taking five medications. That is if I take them at all. All I have been taking lately is the amphetamine salts. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to take the Klonopin. Maybe I won't be as anxious.

I have another appointment with Doctor Phil in a week. Maybe I'll level with him then. I came out of this appointment feeling somewhat better, but I still feel like shit.

When I got home, Sophie and Jay were on the couch talking. I'm guessing they were talking about me. It made me more than a little uncomfortable. I hope Jay didn't repeat any of the things I said to him. He probably didn't, but I'm still a little bit paranoid.

I'm taking Jay to the airport in an hour. Then, I'll go back home and try to act like everything is okay. That's the plan anyway.

I have to stop writing now. I'm expected back in the house. Maybe I want to go in. Maybe I want to do better. I know I want to be happy.

## November 10, 2000

Sophie has herpes and I feel like the biggest bastard on Earth. I knew this would happen.

I guess there is some good news though. There is a medicine you can take to make the outbreaks shorter and even to prevent them at times. Sophie and I are going on that.

Sophie still doesn't blame me for the herpes. Makes me sick. She should have cut off my dick. A lie saved me, but not from myself. She probably would have forgiven me anyway. I just don't understand that. How can she be so forgiving? I definitely don't deserve her.

I have been taking the Klonopin. I have no clue if it is working. Maybe it is. I'm not freaking out anyway.

So, I've been trying to do better. I am spending less time in the barn. Sophie is happy about that. I have also been playing with the kids. I guess I didn't realize how much they love me. I can't believe I shut them out.

Tonight, I am taking Sophie out to dinner. I don't know where we're going yet, but it will be someplace nice. Maybe we'll dress up.

I've been tempted to come clean with Sophie, but haven't done it because I think it might do more damage than good. I think I only want to do it to make myself feel better. I know it will really hurt Sophie. So, I guess I won't tell her. I'll just deal with the pain on my own. Maybe some day it will go away. I don't know. It doesn't feel like it will ever go away.

Tomorrow, we are going to leave the kids with the nanny and go Christmas shopping. I don't know what I'm going to get Sophie. Maybe a diamond ring. One of those ones where the diamonds go all the way around the band. She will think it's overkill, of course. She isn't the least bit materialistic. Still, that is what I want to get her.

Tomorrow night, I am going to The Last Bastion to check in. I have a new bar manager. Want to see how she is doing.

Next week, I'm going to Seattle. Just a check in. Then I'm off to West Palm. There for two days.

I'm pretty sure I'm not going to do anything stupid. I can't imagine feeling worse than I already feel. I'm going to keep the drinking to a minimum.

## December 15, 2000. Austin, TX

Bought a 1973 Corvette today. Bright orange. It's a new paint job. Flawless. I noticed it while driving home from Doctor Phil's. I pulled into the dealership and bought it on the spot. I left my car at the dealership and drove off with the Corvette. I can pick my car up later.

So, I drove all over Austin, maybe going a little too fast at times, but whatever. It's a Corvette.

Sophie thinks I'm crazy for buying it and she asked if I was okay and I said "Of course, I'm okay." She was skeptical, but that's only because she doesn't understand. It's a '73 Corvette. I don't really know if that was a good year for Corvettes, but the car is in excellent shape, so it's good enough for me.

I also bought a new television. It was time for an upgrade. That's going to be delivered tomorrow.

Later today, I have to pick up Sophie's ring. I had it custom made, with only the finest diamonds. Cost a fortune, but I think it was worth it. Sophie probably won't be able to tell how expensive it is, and I'm not going to tell her.

I think maybe it's time to buy another bass. I've had my eye on this '66 P-Bass. I already have a really nice vintage P-Bass, but I think this would be a good investment. Some day it will be worth a fortune.

A lot to do today. Not sure I'll get to everything. But, that's okay. There is always tomorrow. And tomorrow. And so on.

Sophie wants me to clean up the yard. It is littered with toys. Has been since the summer, but I never got around to cleaning it up. I guess I'll do it, but there are a lot of other things I want to do.

I'm going to the bar tonight. Sophie might come along. Not sure. Just want to hang out with the gang. Haven't seen them in some time. We're having a band tonight, Fire Brigade.

I'd really like to be in a band. I think I'm good enough now. Just don't know how to connect with other musicians. I supposed I could ask these guys and see what they say. Couldn't hurt.

I'm now ranked 85 in Unreal Tournament. That means I am a god in that game. I might be playing it too much. Sophie says I am, but Sophie thinks I do everything other than what I'm supposed to do too much.

Maybe I'll go buy that bass now before someone else gets it.

## December 16, 2000. Austin, TX

The band was great. I talked to their bass player for a while and he gave me the number of this guitar player who is looking for a bass player. Promising lead.

Travis and the twins were there last night. They told me Bebe and Dean have started going to some other bar. Fine with me. Anyway, had a bunch to drink and we all had a lot of laughs. For some reason I told them every joke I could remember. That was a lot of jokes. No clue how I remembered all that shit.

So, I was a riot, I think. I don't know. Maybe they were just being nice. But, it doesn't matter. I had a fun time.

I left around twelve, got in my bright orange Corvette and made my way home. That car is fast as shit.

When I got home, I crawled in bed with Sophie. I couldn't sleep, so I went out to the barn and played Unreal Tournament for a while. That got boring, so I picked up a bass and started playing my favorites. I guess I was playing too loud, because it woke Sophie up. She came out to the barn and told me to turn it down, which I did.

Played bass for a couple more hours then I got on the couch and tried to get to sleep. Didn't happen. So, I played more Unreal Tournament.

By six, I had that hollowed out feeling you get when you don't sleep. I have that now, but I can't get to sleep. I'm going to make an attempt at making breakfast in an hour or so. Pancakes and bacon. I hope we have bacon. Sophie doesn't always buy it because she says it's bad for me, but I seem to remember going to the store and buying some yesterday. Maybe. Hard to remember.

After breakfast, I'm going to go for a bike ride. It's kinda cold, but I don't care. I need the fresh air. Then, I am going to go with Sophie to the airport. She is going to take me up for a couple of hours. We still don't bring the kids along. Not old enough.

I don't have a clue what to do with the rest of the day. I still need to clean the toys up in the back yard. I promised I would do it today. We'll see if I get around to it. I'll try. Don't want to piss off the boss, especially since I have promised to clean the back yard a million or so times.

I need to call Peter, the guitar player, to see if he wants to get together. I think I'll have him come to my place since I am set up with guitar amps as well as my bass amps. Who knows? Maybe he knows how to play drums.

Pamela called, but I didn't answer. No clue what she wants.

Maybe I'll go out in the Corvette later. Awesome car. Can't believe I bought it. It's not something I would normally be interested in.

Enough of this. I need to make breakfast. I've never made pancakes before. Hope it's easy.

## December 27, 2000. Austin, TX

I crashed the Corvette. Thank God I wasn't drunk. I was driving too fast, thought I could beat a yellow light and plowed into a truck. I think he jumped the light, but the police officer said it was my fault. So, now I have a broken Corvette. I'm sure I can get it repaired, and my insurance will cover it. It's just a pain in the ass.

Sophie always tells me I drive too fast, and I do, but I'd like to think I'm a safe driver. Generally, anyway.

Anyway, Christmas was good. Sophie loved her ring, but said it was too much. The kids all got everything they could dream of and then some. That is my fault. After Sophie had bought all of their presents, I went out and bought even more. I don't know what I was thinking.

I bought things that were too advanced for them, like a radio controlled airplane for Will that he crashed and broke within five minutes. Too bad. I wanted to try it myself.

But, Christmas was good. Sophie bought me a new computer because I had been complaining that mine was too slow. So, now my old computer is the kid's computer although they don't know how to use it. I'll get around to training them.

Today is a quiet day. Well, the kids aren't quiet, but Sophie and I are doing pretty much nothing. Our nanny is away visiting her parents.

Not much else. I'm going to go to the bar tonight. I think Travis will be there. Not sure about the twins. I've been playing Net Trek with the twins lately. Hadn't been playing for a while there. They kick the shit out of me, as always.

So, that's that. Another day.

Oh, well, there is this. Sophie and I have seen a therapist. I don't enjoy it, but it is productive. I've learned what a bastard I can be. Well, I knew that already, but the session helped it sink in.

## December 28, 2000. Austin, TX

I had sex with Pamela tonight. She told me she loved me. I almost puked. Really. I felt the bile rising and had to catch my breath and bring it back down.

After I had sex with Pamela, I went back to the bar. Sophie called to find out when I would be home. I told her I was just about to leave. It was eleven o'clock.

I had two more beers and then drove home. Sophie was in bed.

"Hi, hon," I said, bending over and kissing her.

"You've been drinking," she said. I had forgotten my mouthwash.

"Yeah, sorry. I had a beer with Travis. Only one though."

"Are you coming to bed?" said Sophie.

"I'm going to go write for a while, hon," I said. "Don't wait up for me."

"Okay, but not too long. You need your rest," she said. I kissed her again and came out to the barn.

It's four in the morning, and I've reached the conclusion that I will never get better. I guess I've known that all along, but have tried to ignore it. I can't ignore it anymore. I've done too many disgusting things. I am a liar and a cheat. I know the shit I do is wrong and I do it anyway. It doesn't matter that I know the difference between right and wrong. It doesn't matter that I believe I should be a better person. I'm not a better person, and I'm not going to be a better person. I'm going to keep fucking up and hurting those I love. But, I can get rid of the source of the problem.

I have counted my pills twice now.

Lithium - 170

Lamictal - 56

Risperidone - 56

Amphetamine Salts - 120

Klonopin - 45

Should be enough...........

Sophie,

While I am deeply sorry for all of the terrible things I have done, I see no hope of doing any better. I pray for forgiveness and pray all the people I have hurt can forget me. Don't look for me in your memories. I am a ghost, a distant memory from another life, and a grim reminder that there is evil in this world.

So many regrets. So many moments when I wanted to die. I promised myself that if I ever tried again, I would make it my final attempt.

The pills have been down for about five minutes now. I am starting to feel something. It's the amphetamines, and it is strong. I don't know if I regret doing this. If I do, it is far too late to change anything. I am committed now.

I'm sorry for being a disappointment and a failure, a cheat and a liar.

I'm sorry Sophie. It isn't because I don't love you.

I have to lie down. I can barely see.

## January 6, 2001. Elk Grove Rehabilitation Center

Jay just left. He flew out the minute he found out I tried to kill myself. He told me he shouldn't have left. I disagree. It wouldn't have stopped me. It would only have delayed things.

Jay told me Tony Pina died from a drug overdose. Go figure. I guess I envy Tony. He did it right. I, on the other hand, can't do anything right.

I wonder where Sophie is.
About the Author

Mark Labbe is a technologist and writer living in Connecticut. He is the author of some other published and as of yet unpublished works, including _Kev, Barflurgle, Welcome to the Other Side, Goetz, Arag, Clive, the girl, Presence, The Book of Craig, and Nigel._ He loves playing bass and his favorite band of all time is Rush. Go figure. He has played Dungeons and Dragons in the past and has had more than his fair share of unsettling experiences. He has a wife and three children, all of whom think he's completely cracked and in need of help. He doesn't mind. He knows he needs help too.
