>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WHAT'S UP, EVERYONE?
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M COLIN JOST.
>> AND I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>>> AMAZON HAS ANNOUNCED IT WILL
BE OPENING ITS SECOND
HEADQUARTERS IN QUEENS, NEW
YORK, AND ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA,
AFTER IT ACCIDENTLY LEFT BOTH
CITIES IN ITS CART.
[ LAUGHTER ]
A LOT OF NEW YORKERS ARE WORRIED
ABOUT THE IMPACT AMAZON WILL
HAVE ON QUEENS, BUT I'M MORE
WORRIED ABOUT THE IMPACT QUEENS
WILL HAVE ON AMAZON.
>> BY THE WAY, ONLY NEW YORKERS
COULD COMPLAIN ABOUT GETTING
25,000 NEW JOBS.
ALL OF THE CITIES WHO LOST OUT
MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE "SHUT UP YOU
WHINY BITCHES."
WE'RE COMPLAINING ABOUT WINNING
THE LOTTERY, MEANWHILE IN LIKE,
WHEELING, WEST VIRGINIA, THEY'RE
LIKE, "OKAY.
WELL, BACK TO THE MINES."
I KNOW IT'S GOING TO RAISE
HOUSING PRICES IN QUEENS BUT
IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR NEW
YORKERS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT RENT.
EVEN AMAZON HAD TO MOVE TO
QUEENS BECAUSE IT COULDN'T
AFFORD TO LIVE IN MANHATTAN.
>>> ELECTION OFFICIALS IN
FLORIDA SAID THE BALLOT MACHINES
IN FLORIDA OVERHEATED ACCOUNTING
FOR MISCOUNTS.
WORD, THEY OVERHEATED IN 2018.
I HAVE A WATCH THAT COUNTS EVERY
STEP I TAKE AND LET'S ME WATCH
PORNO ON THE TREADMILL FOR
MOTIVATION BUT YOUR VOTING
MACHINES CAN'T HANDLE A LITTLE
RECOUNT?
HOW COME THE IRS DOESN'T HAVE
THESE PROBLEMS?
I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR WE DIDN'T
COUNT YOUR TAXES THIS YEAR
BECAUSE OUR ABACUS IS BUSTED
AGAIN.
THEY MAKE IT SO SIMPLE TO PAY
TAXES BUT TO VOTE WE HAVE TO
LINE UP ON A TUESDAY IN NOVEMBER
LIKE GEERTING MEAT RATIONS IN
THE 1930s.
>> A COUNTY IN FLORIDA BECAME
THE FIRST LOCAL GOVERNMENT IN
THE STATE'S HISTORY TO ELECT AN
ALL-LGBTQ GOVERNMENT.
[ APPLAUSE ]
FOR MORE ON THIS STORY, BRING IT
UP TO YOUR GRANDPA AT
THANKSGIVING.
>>> ON FRIDAY PRESIDENT TRUMP
HELD THE PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL OF
FREEDOM CEREMONY AND GAVE ONE TO
BABE RUTH, BECAUSE HE KNEW THAT
NO LIVING BASEBALL PLAYER WOULD
ACTUALLY SHOW UP.
WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?
BABE RUTH'S?
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP ANNOUNCED
THAT REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS
HAVE AGREED ON A CRIMINAL
JUSTICE REFORM BILL.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL
WHO A POLITICIAN IS CONNING BY
WHICH MINORITIES ARE STANDING
BEHIND THEM.
AS SOON AS I SAW THE BLACK DUDES
THERE, I WAS LIKE THIS IS GOING
TO BE ABOUT PRISON.
ANYWAY, THIS PRISON REFORM IS
ACTUALLY A GOOD THING, WHICH IS
CONFUSING BECAUSE IT'S COMING
FROM DONALD TRUMP, YOU KNOW, MR.
LOCK HER UP.
MR. DRUG DEALERS SHOULD GET THE
DEATH PENALTY.
IN EXECUTE THE CENTRAL PARK
FIVE.
NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN HE'S JOHNNIE
COCHRAN SOMEHOW.
I KNOW THIS IS A GOOD THING BUT
THIS IS COMING FROM A BAD PLACE.
LIKE WHEN YOU BUY BABY CLOTHES
FROM A CRACKHEAD.
IT'S A GOOD DEAL BUT AT THE SAME
TIME YOU'RE LIKE, BUT THIS DUDE
SELLS CLOSE FOR A BABY?
>>> SIX WEEKS BEFORE THE
WIKILEAKS BEFORE HILLARY
CLINTON'S CAMPAIGN, THIS MAN WHO
I BELIEVE RUNS A CARNIVAL, ROGER
STONE, RECEIVED A TEXT THAT
HILLARY CLINTON'S CAMPAIGN IS
GOING TO DIE THIS WEEK, ALTHOUGH
THE ACTUAL MOMENT HER CAMPAIGN
DIED IS WHEN SHE SAID THIS --
>> POKEMON GO TO THE POLLS!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I DON'T KNOW.
I BET TRUMP IS HOPING SHE WILL
PEEK-A-CHOOSE TO RUN AGAIN.
