RELATIONSHIPS ARE REALLY HARD.
LIKE, IT REALLY BROKE MY HEART.
LIKE, IT'S HARD,
BUT, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE THERE'S SO MANY THINGS
THAT YOU LEARN
IN A RELATIONSHIP,
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE REALLY
IN LOVE AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
I REMEMBER -- GUYS, TELL ME
IF THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.
LIKE, YOU BE IN THE BED, RIGHT?
AND YOU'RE WITH YOUR GIRL
AND YOU'RE SLEEPING.
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,
IT BE LIKE, "BOOM." "OW!"
AND SHE BE LIKE,
"I JUST HAD A DREAM
WHERE YOU WERE SLEEPING
WITH ANOTHER WOMAN."
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND YOU BE LIKE...
..."SO?"
SHE BE LIKE, "EXPLAIN YOURSELF!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOW, ANYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD,
ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING,
YOU BE LIKE, "OH, THAT PERSON
HAS MILD SCHIZOPHRENIA," RIGHT?
BUT BECAUSE SHE'S YOUR GIRL
AND YOU LOVE HER, YOU BE LIKE,
"OH, WELL, YOU KNOW ME."
[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]
THAT'S ALL YOU CAN SAY.
AND NO DUDE IN THE WORLD
CAN GET AWAY WITH THAT JUNK.
DUDES, IF YOUR FRIEND
CAME UP TO YOU,
YOU'D LOOK AT HIM
LIKE HE WAS CRAZY.
BOOM -- "HEY, MAN, I HAD A DREAM
WHERE YOU WERE MEAN TO ME!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
"YOU STEPPED ON MY FOOT
AND YOU AIN'T SAY NOTHING!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
"ALSO, YOU WERE HOLDING A BABY.
"AND THE BABY
HAD A VERY OLD FACE.
"AND MY TEETH FELL OUT,
AND MY FEET WERE HEAVY,
"AND MY FATHER WAS THERE.
"I DID NOT SEE HIM,
BUT I KNEW HE WAS THERE!
WATCH YOUR ASS."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ALSO, LIKE, WOMEN -- WHEN
I STARTED LISTENING TO THEM,
LIKE, REALLY LISTENING
ONCE THE BREAKUP HAPPENED,
LISTENING TO OTHER WOMEN,
I REALIZED, LIKE, EVERY MAN --
EVERY MAN IN THIS ROOM
HAS A CRAZY-WOMAN STORY,
YOU KNOW?
LIKE, EVERY MAN IN HERE IS JUST
LIKE, "OH, REMEMBER CHRISTINE?
"CHRISTINE WAS CRAZY.
"CHRISTINE WAS
SO CRAZY, REMEMBER?
"I HAD MY NEW GIRL,
AND CHRISTINE COMES IN LIKE,
"'WHERE THAT BITCH AT?!'
"I WAS LIKE,
'CHRISTINE, WHAT'S GOING ON?
"I GOT MY NEW GIRL.
GET OUT OF HERE, CHRISTINE.'
"CHRISTINE WAS CRAZY, RIGHT?
CHRISTINE WAS CRAZY.
OH, MEMORIES."
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW, AND EVERY DUDE IN HERE
HAS THAT STORY.
AND I WAS LIKE, "WHY DON'T WOMEN
HAVE CRAZY-MEN STORIES?"
LIKE, WHY DON'T WOMEN
HAVE CRAZY-MEN STORIES?
I DON'T REALLY HEAR THEM.
AND THEN I REALIZED.
I WAS LIKE, "OH!
"IT'S BECAUSE IF YOU GOT
A CRAZY BOYFRIEND,
YOU GONNA DIE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
JUST SOMETHING ABOUT MEN --
THE SECOND THEY REALIZE
THEY CRAZY,
IT'S LIKE, "TIME TO KILL
EVERYTHING I LOVE!
TIME TO KILL IT ALL.
IT'S ALL COMING WITH ME."
AND YOU CAN HEAR A CRAZY,
LIKE, MAN STORY,
BUT THEY'RE NOT FUN LIKE
CRAZY-WOMEN STORIES AT ALL.
LIKE, "OH, REMEMBER CHARLIE?
CHARLIE WAS SO CRAZY.
HE USED TO COME OVER
AND SHOOT MY DOG."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"AND IT WAS DEAD THE FIRST TIME,
BUT HE KEPT SHOOTING IT.
"AND THEN I MOVED
TO FLORIDA. AND...
"HE FOUND ME.
NOW I'M IN THIS WHEELCHAIR."
[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]
"OH, POOR MADE-UP LADY."
I HEARD SOME OF THEM.
I'M GONNA SAY
SOME OUTLANDISH STUFF.
I HEARD SOME OF THOSE
"OOHs" AND "AAHs."
THEY WERE LIKE,
"OH, POOR MADE-UP LADY.
"POOR LADY THAT DONALD MADE UP
CAN'T GET UP PRETEND STEPS,
'CAUSE SHE'S
IN A PRETEND WHEELCHAIR."
THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.
THAT'S ALL ABOUT IMAGINATION
AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
'CAUSE I'M A VERY
IMAGINATIVE PERSON.
I GREW UP, LIKE,
IN A FOSTER HOME.
MY PARENTS WERE FOSTER PARENTS,
AND WE HAD A LOT OF FOSTER KIDS.
AND KIDS, LIKE, GO CRAZY.
IT'S ALL ABOUT IMAGINATION
AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
LIKE, THEY'RE VERY EMOTIONAL
BEINGS, YOU KNOW, KIDS.
YOU GUYS REMEMBER
WHEN THE LIGHTS WOULD GO OUT
IN YOUR SCHOOL?
REMEMBER THAT?
LIKE IN THE THIRD GRADE, LIKE,
WHEN THE LIGHTS WOULD GO OUT,
IT'D BE LIKE, "BOO,"
AND KIDS BE LIKE, "AAH!"
[ SCREAMING ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
KIDS JUST LOSE IT.
IT WASN'T EVEN DARK.
IT WAS LIKE 2:00 P.M.
SUNLIGHT'S COMING
THROUGH THE WINDOW.
KIDS ARE JUST LIKE...
[ SCREAMING ]
JUST LIKE LOSING THEIR MINDS!
AND THE SAME JUNK WOULD HAPPEN
WHEN THERE WAS A FIRE DRILL,
AND THE PRINCIPAL WOULD COME ON
AND TELL YOU
THERE WAS GONNA BE
A FIRE DRILL.
LIKE, "IN TWO MINUTES,
THERE'S GONNA BE A FIRE DRILL."
IT'D BE LIKE, "UH-UH."
[ SCREAMING ]
[ IMITATING PUNCHES LANDING ]
CRAZINESS.
KIDS AREN'T THINKING.
MAN, WE HAD A TEACHER NAMED
MR. BROWN, RIGHT?
WE HAD A TEACHER
NAMED MR. BROWN,
AND HE WAS WRITING SOMETHING
ON THE BOARD ONCE.
HE WAS WRITING SOMETHING
ON THE BOARD,
AND HE FARTED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT
KIDS HAD SEEN THE FACE OF GOD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
KIDS WEREN'T EVEN LAUGHING.
THEY WERE JUST SITTING THERE.
THEY'RE LIKE...
[ SCREAMING ]
THEY'RE JUST, LIKE, SCREAMING,
JUST SCREAMING.
KIDS HAD TO GET CARTED OUT.
KIDS WERE SCREAMING AND CRYING.
LIKE, KIDS
HAD TO GET CARTED OUT,
AND THEY WERE GOING TO,
LIKE, THE NURSE'S OFFICE.
KIDS WERE CRYING IN THE HALLWAY.
IT WAS JUST LIKE,
"OH, THIS IS OUR 9/11!"
AND IT WAS!
IT WAS THEIR 9/11,
'CAUSE THEY NEVER THOUGHT
ANYTHING LIKE THAT
COULD EVER HAPPEN.
KIDS WERE OUT IN THE HALLWAYS
GIVING INTERVIEWS.
THEY WERE LIKE,
"OH, MY GOD, I REMEMBER,
"BECAUSE I WAS TALKING
TO BERTRAM HARRIS,
"AND HE SAID IF MY HAND
WAS BIGGER THAN MY FACE,
"THEN I HAD AIDS.
"SO I PUT MY HAND
IN FRONT OF MY FACE.
"AND THEN HE SLAMMED IT.
"IT WAS A VERY FUNNY JOKE.
"BUT THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN,
"WE HEARD THIS SOUND
FROM THE FRONT OF THE ROOM.
"AND IT WAS MR. BROWN.
"AND THEN JOHNNY SEAWRIGHT
STOOD UP AND SAID,
'MR. BROWN BROWNED HIS PANTS!'"
[ LAUGHTER,
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
"AND THAT WAS EVEN FUNNIER!
"MY HEART GOES OUT
TO THE PARENTS OF THE CHILDREN
"WHO SMELLED THE FART.
"BECAUSE THAT'S EVEN FUNNIER
THAN HEARING IT.
IS THERE A GOD?"
YOU KNOW?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
