I'm 35 now.
I'm 35,
I just got my own place.
Took a while.
Some people my age
are astronauts.
I'm just excited
that I get to pee
with the door open.
Which is what I did
at my old place,
it just made
my roommate sad.
Be like, "You're 35, you think
you can close the door?"
I'm like, "You're 40
and living with a guy
"that pees
with the door open.
Maybe you need
to get your life together."
"Judge not, lest..."
how the rest of that goes.
[clears throat]
I just like
how you get reminded
of, like,
your own immaturity.
Like, I was using one of those
accelerator hand dryers--
like, the super
high-powered ones--
and I realized,
if I put my hands just right,
I can make
a totally wicked fart sound.
And right as I perfected
the fart sound,
I remember like,
"Oh, yeah,
one of my best friends
from high school is a surgeon."
But then I was just like,
"That's too bad.
"He's got no time
to make wicked fart sounds
"with the hand dryer.
"He's got to scrub up
"and get right to
the operating room.
"Rough life for him.
Rough life.
He's missing out."
I don't know if I got
my own place because it's like,
I'm thir--like, that's what--
like, it was the pressures
of, like,
societal pressures.
Like,
"That's what you do.
"You're 35.
You're a grown man.
"You live by yourself
and you're an independent man.
"You live by yourself
and you start drinking scotch
"instead of crappy beer,
and you switch back to briefs.
"That's what you do,
'cause you're a grown man
and that's
what grown men do."
Or if I got my own place
'cause I realize
I'm about to get
the type of weird
that I can't even have people
witness on accident anymore.
Things are about
to get strange
and I'm gonna need
some solitude for that.
And I think
it's much more that.
It's not so much like,
"I'm gonna pay my bills on time
and read more books."
It's much more like,
"Twizzlers look like
they fit in buttholes,
and I cannot have somebody
walking into the laboratory
when Dr. Kyle's conducting
his experiments."
It's this corkscrew shape.
Lick 'em
and stick 'em, fellas.
Find out about your bodies.
It's 2012.
It's not gay.
It's about loving yourself.
It's okay.
A lot of people think
Henry David Thoreau
went into the woods--
civil disobedience,
self-reliance.
No.
Twizzlers in buttholes.
"T" in the "B."
That's what he needed.
Read Walden real close.
"T" in the "B."
That is stupid.
[laughs]
Oh, man.
Hey, you guys
ever get so lonely
you sleep on your own couch
instead of in your own bed
'cause at least that way
it feels
like you're laying
next to somebody?
[laughter and groans]
"Looks like I'm the little spoon
again tonight."
[laughs]
Maybe throw an ex-girlfriend's
old t-shirt on a pillow.
Not for humping,
just for cuddling.
Nobody's weird here.
"Loneliness"
is a subjective term.
You know, it's--
it's different for everybody.
I mean, you're a castaway
on an island.
There's nobody around.
That's lonely,
you know?
But it could also mean
you lack the simple courage
to be able to say,
"Hello" to somebody
sitting next to you
on a bus.
That's lonely too,
you know?
For me,
I can define loneliness.
I can just hone it in
as the very moment
that I realized
that I had forgotten
I was masturbating
at a motel
in Green Bay, Wisconsin.
That's it.
That's the point.
That what I remember.
'Cause that's what happens.
I'm a comedian.
My dream came true.
A lot of my dream
is just me in a hotel room
treating myself
like an animal.
Just--
it's not even sexual anymore.
It's just, like,
an aggressive shooing away
of a nuisance
at this point.
So like I--
"Come on, get out of here."
It's like I'm taking a broom
to get raccoons off the porch.
Like, "Come on.
Just--yah!
Yah!"
I understand now
why a dog can hump something
but still
look right at you.
Like, I understand that.
You see a dog,
it's like, "What?
"This feels good
and you're my buddy.
"What's--why?
"You're the one
making it weird.
What? What?"
It was. I was just,
like, in the shower
and there's a boner.
I was like, "Well, roll up
your sleeves, you know?"
"It's like shoveling snow
at this point.
You know what we do.
Something you gotta do."
Just dead-eyed,
staring at a wall.
And I realized
that on the shelf there,
I'd bought
the little size of shampoo--
I bought dandruff shampoo
on accident.
And I saw that and I was like,
"I don't have dandruff."
And I remembered
that's, like,
the old Head and Shoulders
jingle.
'Cause I was like,
"I don't have dandruff,"
and then, out loud,
I just went, "Exactly."
Then I got...
[laughter]
And I had a little chuckle.
I had a little chuckle
to myself.
I'm like,
"That's funny.
"If you're making jokes like
this and you're in the shower,
"you're right to go out there
and pursue your dreams, Kyle.
"You're on the right path.
"You're doing this stuff
in the shower.
"You're cutting yourself up.
"You're doing the right thing
with your life.
"Anyway, what else--
what were we doing?
Oh, yeah, well..."
Oh, man.
It's good
I got my own place,
because, like,
instead of going to the gym
like, I could just stay home
and cry now,
so that's pretty awesome.
You macho guys crying yet?
You doing any of that stuff?
Tough guys?
Having a good cry?
Waylon Jennings,
you getting one?
I love a good old cry.
It's good for you.
Do what you gotta do.
Allow that.
It's not good to keep
that stuff--do what you do.
Pull the drapes,
put on a DVD of
 How To Train Your Dragon,
let it out.
Let it out.
It's not good to keep
all those emotions
bottled up
inside of you.
Now, it's not great
to uncork 'em all
at the grocery store
at 11:30 at night.
But once you've allowed yourself
these triggers,
you don't know when
that magical Linda Ronstadt song
is gonna play, and you're just
in the frozen food section
like,
"We're doing this here?
"We're doing this here.
Okay.
[mock sobbing]
"Whoo-hoo-hoo.
All right.
"Wow. Oh.
"Stouffer's frozen dinner
for two?
"Looks like I'm gonna
have leftovers on that one,
Yeah, she is gone.
All right."
You ever see a TV dinner just
abandoned in the beer aisle?
[laughter]
Yeah, that's me.
I did that.
That's my street art.
Take that, Banksy.
I don't even have
to mess up anybody's wall
or nothin'.
Just left some Salisbury steaks
up top some Coors Lights.
I think you get the message.
