(laughter)
- As you may already know,
I'm going to be leading the
Bernie Sanders Celebrity Roast.
(laughter)
Bernie Sanders embodies the spirit
of the 60s hippie movement.
He hates billionaires and shaved bush.
(laughter)
Ironically, Bernie Sanders is himself
in the one percent.
Not just in income, but in prostate size.
(laughter)
Bernie Sanders should not
worry about the coronavirus.
After all, he survived
the 1918 Spanish Flu epidemic,
so he can survive this.
(laughter)
- Are you guys germophobes lately?
Like, you know those long door handles?
I don't touch the middle anymore,
I touch way up top.
(laughter)
But now, every time I
walk into a restaurant
it looks like I'm a stripper
who's starting her dance.
(laughter)
I don't just enter, I
create an experience.
(laughter)
- Every sport has been canceled
so men have to just live with themselves.
Like, I called my friend up I was like,
"What you been up to, man?"
He's like, "I'm just working on me, man."
(laughter)
I was like, "Whoa, that's great, man."
He's like, "I realize I
got a lot of daddy issues.
(laughter)
"Lot of jealousy in my life."
(laughter)
Pause for another second.
"I just wanna tell you I love you, man.
(laughter)
"I don't say it enough."
And I was like, "Man,
this is a great virus.
"This is a good virus."
(laughter)
- You know you've had a
dating profile for too long
when you start noticing
people's personal growth.
You know what I mean?
(laughter)
You're swiping through like, "Oh cool.
"Freddy420 went to grad school after all."
(laughter)
- I'm back on the dating apps.
I've noticed this trend on dating apps.
Under education, a lot of girls will put
"Hogwarts School of
Witchcraft and Wizardry"
as their education.
(laughter)
Just say you got a GED.
What the fuck are we doing, man?
(laughter)
Why are we out here lying?
(laughter)
There's another quote I see
a lot that women love to use
and it's a quote by Marilyn
Monroe, you probably know it.
It is, Marilyn says, "If you
can't handle me at my worst,
"you don't deserve me at my best."
Solid quote.
But let's just recognize that
Marilyn Monroe at her worst
is dead of a drug overdose.
(laughter)
We can probably do a
little better than that.
(laughter)
We can find a better quote than that.
- I went out on a date
with a girl from Bumble
and after the date I knew
we wouldn't meet up again,
but I wanted to be nice about it.
So I wrote her a message and I was like,
"Hey, thanks so much for meeting up.
"You know, have a good one."
And she wrote back,
"Yes, very enjoyable meeting you as well.
"Good luck on all your future endeavors."
(laughter)
And I was like, "Did I
just get fired from a date?
(laughter)
"Is there an HR department I can talk to?"
(laughter)
- You guys into sexting.
I'm not very good at it
and I'll tell you this,
autocorrect will never
help you sext at all.
Autocorrect is like Mormon or something,
I don't know what's going on with it.
You'll try to write something
sweet to a lady, you know.
You'll try to write something like,
"Hey, do you wanna sit on my
face, I'll guess your weight."
You know, something romantic.
(laughter)
And autocorrect will be like,
"Did you mean to ask, 'Do you wanna bask
"'in the glory of Christ's light?'"
And you're like, "What?"
(laughter)
No.
I wanna wear this lady like a gas mask.
(laughter)
And autocorrect's like,
"Corinthians 3:15."
(laughter)
You're gonna need to send
a hyperlink autocorrect.
(laughter)
- So the father of my best friend,
he told me he has seen a UFO.
And I really want to believe him,
but he looks like he has seen a UFO.
(laughter)
I notice that people who see UFOs,
they often have long hair.
(laughter)
It's never a guy in
like, a suit with a tie.
(laughter)
With really short hair.
He is so career motivated,
he doesn't have time to look at the sky.
(laughter)
It's like I noticed that lesbians
sometimes keep their hair short.
(laughter)
And you might disagree
with that observation,
but I never met a
lesbian who's seen a UFO.
(laughter)
- I Googled by high school
archnemesis the other day.
(laughter)
We all do it. You Google
people you used to hate to see
if their lives suck now, right?
(laughter)
I Googled my high school archnemesis
and the first result was a
mugshot, and it made my day.
It made me very happy.
(laughter)
I was just hoping she was fat now too,
but prison like, wow.
(laughter)
Beyond my wildest dreams.
(laughter)
Yeah, 'cause I'm petty
and I'm filled with hate.
I hold grudges forever.
When you're a grudge holder
people will tell you,
"You gotta release that negative energy.
"You don't wanna be carrying
around that negative energy."
I do, it brings me joy.
(laughter)
Like, if I thought I could
earn a living holding grudges
I would quit comedy, I
would rent out office space,
and open up my own little grudgery.
I would just sit in there
everyday from nine to five.
I would hold them.
I probably wouldn't even take lunch breaks
because the hate would
fill me up on the inside.
(laughter)
I would take over other people's grudges.
That's how much I enjoy it.
Like, just come into my
grudgery, give me some money,
and tell me the backstory.
You know what I'm saying?
(laughter)
Have a seat, now what
did this bitch do to us?
(laughter)
- Both my parents are actually immigrants.
They're from the Dominican Republic.
They were both born in
the Dominican Republic.
So technically I'm Hispanic,
but nobody ever believes me.
(laughter) If you looking for it though,
the politically correct term for me
is actually "Afro-Latino."
And you never heard of that,
basically we're like the next big thing.
(laughter)
They compare us to Bitcoin in 2011.
(laughter)
It's like invest now 'cause the
stock is going up, you know?
People didn't even know we were real.
We kind of just popped up one day.
(laughter)
We're like unicorns.
We can do it all, triple threat.
We can dance salsa, speak
Spanish, and say the N-word.
(laughter)
(heavy synth music)
