(dramatic music)
- Aw yeah, yeah, yeah.
Absorb that (beep) candy
bar, Commander Keen.
Yeah, you get in there.
You get it, you get it.
What's that?
Oh, dang, hi, hey.
Everyone, here's some news.
Yup, and it's still just coronavirus.
Everything is coronavirus
all the time, until forever.
Until it's over.
Which seems pretty, you
know, TBD right now.
Anyway, can I switch
back to my DOS emulator?
Or do we have to sit
here, and pretend like
time and life, and things matter.
I just downloaded Police Quest,
and I'm going to lose on purpose.
It's gonna be great.
Okay, it's a bad start.
That's clear to me.
I don't know if you know this,
but I hate this coronavirus.
I hate it a lot.
Like sure, everyone is
entitled to their own opinions,
and I wouldn't want to
influence people either way.
But personally, I am not pro-virus.
Anti, that's me all the way, baby.
We should make buttons or something.
Big old like, I not like virus buttons
that we can sell.
The proceeds go to nothing.
Just burn the money.
And like, I can't even
just start a video anymore.
I got to do some ungodly bit
about dealing with a bunch
of sinister microbes.
Every (beep) week, or
whenever we release a video.
It's not my department.
Or maybe it is, I don't know,
I'm kind of, like, in-and-out.
But nothing really changes much
when you're stuck at home, you know?
I mean sure, you can
light a couple of fires,
or wear a sexy wig,
or whatever you want to
do to shake things up.
But that is but a Band-Aid,
on the sunken gash of monotony.
Monotony being the absolute
worst thing about this crisis.
You know, like besides dying from a virus
during a pandemic, or
working essential jobs
during a pandemic, or losing
your non-essential job
during a pandemic, or,
you know, also boars.
So it goes boars, then
getting murdered by a virus
and a bunch of struggles
related to pandemics.
Then monotony, then I guess Trump,
and under that I mean cheese
that's been left out is pretty gross.
So mold in general, I guess.
But then, some molds are good.
Penicillin, you know.
So okay, that's the order.
Penicillin's at the bottom.
Now I can't really help with the boars,
or the virus, or the other things.
But today, I figured we'd at least
break through the
constantly thinking about
coronavirus with new stories, that have
little-to-zero connection
with the coronavirus.
It's a segment I'm deciding to call,
"Coronavirus?
"More like Cor-old-avirus!"
Or maybe "Cor-boredom-virus?"
"No-ronavirus."
"Go-ronarightouttahere virus."
That's the one, that's the one.
I should've gone with that.
But it's too late,
it's not like we write
these things ahead of time.
But no more.
No more shall we speak
its name in the episode.
It's time to move on to the bigger,
better news we used to enjoy.
Ah forgot, it's always been terrible.
Hey, Canada, my deepest condolences,
and I hope you're all doing okay.
Not to make it always about us,
but I'm guessing you're a little less numb
to these things in America.
What with all the laws you
have, and less gun violence.
Oh, oh I guess not, actually.
Apparently you also
have a problem up there.
Even with your precious gun laws.
Take that you liberal, say again?
Smuggling them in from the United States.
That checks out.
Okay, well we are, after all,
a festering gut-shot on the continent.
Huh?
I'm doing okay, thanks.
You know, just getting through each day,
keeping busy, and yeah, I know.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Look I can't really.
I'm doing it right now.
Everyone is watching me,
so okay, that's great.
Listen, I have to go, and I will.
Okay, thank you.
I know, I love you, too.
This is really great.
Okay, thank you mom, goodbye.
Sorry about that.
I mean, you know how it is.
Doing bits for no good reason
in a segment about terrible gun violence,
where like my mom also
gives me news updates.
Wasn't it like an ear spider last week?
All right, hey, on this
same awful subject,
something you might have also missed is a.
Remember that racist spree-shooter,
who probably like loved 8chan,
and was radicalized online,
and had beliefs that aligned with
a lot of conservative talking points?
No, not that one.
Not that one either.
No, not him.
Ah he's too far back.
Nope, not that that one.
Not that one.
Keep going.
Not that one.
No, no not that one.
Wait, wait, wait, go back!
That's the one.
Well, just last March,
he changed his court plea
to guilty in what was seen as
an unexpected turn of events.
Which will likely result in
a life sentence in prison.
I wonder if he realized he wasted his life
doing irreversible and
unforgivable things,
because a bunch of dummies on the internet
don't understand that
the natural evolution
of a multicultural world isn't
some kind of white genocide.
Like if your big conspiracy theory
is that we're getting less white people,
because of a gradual intermingling
of other races and cultures,
and over time might naturally
assimilate with them,
because we all get along
and like fucking each other.
Then, I don't know.
Maybe look into chemtrails,
or something, because your
conspiracy hobby sucks.
- Massive demographic changes
have been foisted on the American People.
And they're changes that none of us
ever voted for, and most of us don't like.
From Virginia to California, we see
stark examples of how
radically, in some ways,
the country has changed.
- What the fuck are you
talking about, Laura?
Are you complaining that we didn't
get to vote on which races
exist in our country?
Is that a thing you want to be able to do?
Anyway, thanks for
injecting white genocide
theories that very real acts of violence
into your mainstream news program.
That's great!
Great work, you Nazi mannequin.
What am I even talking about?
Mass shootings, that's right.
Mmm, yeah, really feels good
to get back to normal news again.
Anyway, on the bright side,
the month of March was the first March
without a school shooting since 2002.
Which is great news!
Or it's kind of great news.
It's not like really good news,
because there's no school shootings,
because schools are closed,
because of the corona.
Nope, nope, hah!
Can't trick me into saying it.
Not going to say it.
Nice try news,
you old curse on my brain,
draining my life essence
as you watch and jack off.
Oh also, that story about March
being the first non-shooting March,
only counts if you ignore this shooting,
this shooting, this
shooting, this shooting,
this shooting, this shooting,
and this, um, shooting.
So no, that story, which was reported by
major news networks, is not true,
and can be debunked
easily by a Snopes intern,
Googling the words gun
plus school plus March.
Holy Christ, you guys, this has been
a special segment called,
"That Good News You Heard
"That Wasn't Very Good To Begin With
"Is Actually False and Therefore
"Not Even in The Ballpark of
"Good News, And Is in Fact Bad News.
"You're Welcome."
All right, so we're nice and
warmed up with shootings.
Let's just get all the
shitty stuff out of the way.
And you know what, I'm going to go ahead
and apologize right now.
This one isn't exactly
going to be a blast.
Rarely do we get to see the headline,
"Everyone's Pretty Fine Right Now.
"Enjoy The Day!"
So when we're already so stressed out
about what's happening in the world,
adding more news to that
isn't always helpful.
But also it's, like, in
the name of the show.
I don't know what you thought
you were going to get.
But if it makes you feel any better,
it may be comforting to remember that no,
this current pandemic,
that shall not be named,
it's not going to kill us after all.
It's climate change
that's going to do that.
You were thinking of climate change.
"Checking in with The Thing
"That Will Actually Kill Us Once This
"Other Thing Is Over."
Awe yeah, strap in folks!
Really, you should hold onto something
because there are fucking
tornadoes everywhere.
Super not great that this
spittle-spread pandemic
is happening right at a time
where a large population's
survival dependency is
tied to huddling together
with strangers in a closed-off bunker.
But, to fair and balanced
TM GH-7 medical droid from
"Revenge of the Sith,"
the science isn't actually
all that clear about how climate change
is affecting tornadoes.
But that's mostly because have
you tried to study a tornado?
You got to make a whole, big canister
filled with little
sensors, and then somehow
deploy those into the
funnel, or suck zone,
as the experts call it.
And like, maybe it's too light
and you can't get it in there,
so you have to strap it
on to, like, your truck,
and then your fiance realizes
you still have feelings
for your ex-wife, and leaves you.
But she's also okay with it, I guess.
Because she wasn't really
that well-developed
of a character to begin with.
And man, watch out for those hubcaps.
So it's complicated.
But tornado patterns are changing,
and gradually shifting to less expected
and more populated areas of the US.
And it's a, you know, pretty good guess
that it's climate-change related.
And while the east coast is going to have
an excess of water flying every which way,
the west coast is going
to have, um, not that.
Thanks to definitely climate change.
A newly-released study has analyzed
1,200-year-old tree rings to conclude
that the 2000 to 2019
drought was the second driest
19-year period since 800 CE,
and fits the pattern of
a continuing drought.
As in a future of more,
and more terrible droughts,
comparable to prehistoric times.
But now worse because of climate change.
Man, of all the things
we could've brought back
from 800 CE we chose dry weather?
We could have had, like,
Charlamagne, or something.
Given him his own Fox News show.
He'd do great, yelling about the Saxons
and people saying happy holidays.
Anyway, maybe start saving
water, is my point, I think.
Or like, let's make
having water be a right.
Apparently medicine is too expensive.
But surely we can decide to do water.
Anyway, the earth is trying to kill us.
Pretty cool stuff.
I mean, we started it, sure.
And by god, we're gonna end it!
Starting with killing off
the insects, apparently.
Because an also-recent
analysis, gathering 166
other long-term studies,
just concluded that the
insect population has dropped almost 25%,
thanks to pollution and pesticides,
and all the other awesome stuff we do.
But hey, I'm sure we don't need insects,
and getting rid of them won't cause
some kind of catastrophic result
that I'm not going to Google,
or anything like that.
And if it makes you feel better,
there are parts of the world that have
too much of the insects.
Like in Somalia, where they are currently
dealing with locust swarm.
Super fun, not at all an
omen, or anything like that.
So which is it, lame-stream media?
Are there not enough
insects, or too many insects?
Get your facts straight.
Oh, and the Great Barrier Reef
is getting bleached again this year.
'Cause maybe it heard the president say
that can cure viruses, huh?
Zing, guys, I think I might be depressed.
This is a real banger of a start for our
"News You Missed" video.
But you know, I did apologize,
so it's kinda your fault at this point.
And frankly, I'm not sure I'll be
able to forgive or fully trust you.
Okay, well, we're warmed
up from our last warm-up,
in that our internal
temperature is gradually rising.
Like the planet's temperature.
Might as well switch over to politics
and our ongoing segment, "The
Politics Hovel, 2020 edition."
Classic segment graphic.
Just like old times.
What's new in the world of politickin?
Right, right, right, so darn.
Bernie suspended his campaign,
all official-like, endorsed Joe.
And that's, that's, that's,
that's, you, you know.
- Bernie, as Jill and I told you and Jane,
we're deeply grateful to both of you.
You've put the interest in this nation,
and the need to beat Donald
Trump above all else.
And for that, Jill and I are grateful.
- You know, it's rough.
But we thank him.
Thank you, Bernie.
You're a good man.
And you changed the party.
And, like, your ideas were good, actually.
Is what we're now saying,
after you've suspended your campaign.
Like, it's a shame, you
know, how your campaign
failed because of things you did,
and not, like, the media
comparing you to Hitler.
Or a coordinated effort by
the Democratic establishment.
Or anything like that.
Anyway, thanks bud.
Everything you said was right,
but we're not gonna go with you,
or anything you said.
But hey, at least the
guy we are going with
is gonna say that thing you say,
"Healthcare is a human right."
While not actually believing it,
because the public option, if anything,
just gives people the right
to pay for healthcare.
And if you believe something is a right,
you don't use a bunch of opposition
talking points to imply
you'd veto it, you know?
Like if I thought voting was a right.
I wouldn't propose a law
that let's you vote if you
can pay for it, you know?
Anyway, big sigh.
Staring off into the distance.
A single tear.
Then a sore throat,
and cough, followed by hours of Googling
and panic attacks because you
don't have health insurance.
Anyhoo, Obama and Warren did it too.
Gore stopped by, that's great.
Thanks Gore.
Glad all these (beep)
found the time to weigh in
after the fact.
Glad Elizabeth Warren went utterly silent
until there was no other option
and then squeezed out an
endorsement for the guy
she said this about.
- Nominating a man who says
we do not need any fundamental
change in this country,
will not meet this moment.
(crowd cheering)
And nominating someone who
wants to restore the world
before Donald Trump, when the
status quo has been leaving
more and more people behind
for decades, is a big risk for
our party and for our country.
- I dunno man, I guess he's
doing good in the polls.
People hate Trump, he sucks, so like,
I'm fully aware that I can't
just keep talking about this
until the sun explodes.
But the whole well you lost
now you gotta fully support Biden
and pretend he's amazing
and not criticize him
or else you like Trump kinda makes me feel
like I've been stuffed in your trunk,
and made to choose between
having my arms and legs removed
or my head chopped off.
Like obviously one is
better than the other one,
but neither is ideal,
and everyone knows it,
and it's kind of
embarrassing to see everyone
so instantly pretend like that isn't true,
and give him advice that boils down to,
be more like Bernie, pretend
to have Bernie's ideas.
Instead of using an
incredibly unpopular president
to push a candidate
with actual bold ideas,
Democrats saw an opportunity
to squeak in mediocrity
and that is pretty depressing,
especially during a pandemic
when we're finally
talking about necessities
like housing and healthcare,
and, anyway I guess we're
gonna go with the one
that doesn't tell you to drink poison.
So that's good, even
though his campaign did
tell you to vote during a pandemic.
But no more pandemic
talk today, all right?
I'm sure we'll have a really
fun video in the future
about Joe Biden.
But in the meantime, since
we're already talking
about our big boy pants president,
one piece of news that
might have passed you by
is that Donald Trump,
president big boy pants,
has so far amassed $1.82
million in debt to states
from his campaign rallies.
States that are now
dealing with a pandemic
and could probably use
that money, perhaps.
And are now starting to sue him for it.
It's just one of the many
things that, 10 years ago,
would have mattered as opposed
to being another footnote
in the big book of dull brain pains.
Trump also ordered the Navy
to shoot down Iranian ships
if they quote "harass our ships at sea."
Not endanger, mind you
but just like bug us.
It's actually a technique
they've been doing
by sailing close to our
ships and veering away,
or blasting their horns or loudspeakers.
And yeah, in fairness that
does sound pretty annoying.
So I guess we'll start a war over it.
Sorry, continue a war.
Of course this was just a
tweet from our president
and US warships have
always had the ability
to take measures if they actually feel
like they are in danger,
as noted by the Navy
when they first reported
the harassment saying
quote "U.S. naval forces
"continue to remain vigilant
and are trained to act
"in a professional manner,
while our commanding officers
"retain the inherent right
to act in self-defense."
So basically the Navy
was like hey these guys
are being dicks but we're
keeping our cool and could,
if we wanted to, blow
them out of the water.
And then Trump was all like
hey you know you can blow them
out of the water you have my permission.
And presumably, the Navy
then thought yeah no shit
we just said that dingus but
we're fucking professionals
so we're not gonna just kill people
you weirdly-shaped gourd.
Now stop tweeting before
you start a bigger war.
And I guess that's the story.
Speaking of that guy I'm
talking about who is president,
a new bipartisan Senate
report was released
that once again confirmed
for the 20th time that yes,
Russia did indeed interfere
with the 2016 election
in favor of Trump.
Because apparently we have
to double-triple check this
like someone convinced
they left their oven on.
Here's the report, if you
feel like reading something
you already know.
What makes this one particularly hilarious
is that it was led by Republicans
and aimed specifically at
assessing the other assessments,
presumably looking for evidence of a hoax
by the deep state and
instead just confirming
the thing even more.
It found no trace of bias from
the intelligence community,
nor evidence that any of
the Russia investigation
was dependent on or even involved
the dubious Steele Dossier.
So just all the things we
already knew and were saying.
Now released during a time when America
couldn't be more distracted,
long after the fact.
But hey, don't you feel great
now that you're not
thinking about a pandemic
a moment ago except for right
now when I brought it up?
Mmm, yeah, breathe that fresh air.
But maybe don't breathe too much of it
because it might kill you ha, ha.
And also don't you even
try to breathe out near me.
You hold that lung trash in.
And in other news about corrosive threats
to the existence of humankind,
Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell
are up for reelection this year
and they might, maybe,
could be possibly lose.
It's slim, because red states and all,
but both Mitchie and the Linshees
are actually being outdone
in fundraising by their opponents,
two people I know nothing
about besides the fact
that they are not Mitch
McConnell or Lindsey Graham,
which is apparently the
prime selling point for a lot
of politicians these days.
Now, we super have every right
to be pessimistic about this,
and Kentucky has already
reinforced their voter suppression
by requiring photo IDs to vote,
something that happens to
be impossible at the moment
because the office that
gives IDs is closed
because of the quarantine.
Gee, hmm, I wonder if that was
the idea all along how odd.
How odd, so odd, such a
puzzle how conservatives
are railing against
things like voting by mail
and the Postal Service in general
and all the other things
that help the lower
class organize and vote.
Odd, mysterious evil stuff.
But also, despite Wisconsin
also pulling the same
voter ID hogwash and all
the virus-related obstacles,
democrat Jill Karofsky was able to win
the state supreme court
position in the last election,
booting the conservative
judge they had in place
despite no one expecting her to do it.
So I dunno.
A little huzzah for ya.
Maybe no amount of dirty
techniques can save someone
if the people are fed up enough
and we should feel at least
a little hope about that.
We're allowed a little bit of hope.
It certainly can't be all
bad, catching up on the news.
Sometimes it's good, or
at least not the worst.
Or something even super weird.
So let's fist around in the ol' news bag
and see what other weird not good
but not the worst news
we can cut our hands on.
"Just A Bunch of Random Weird Not Too Bad
"but Not Great Stuff."
Hey, neat!
A radioactive rubble fire!
That's marginally better
than talking about American politics.
Like sure, our Halloween
candy still has needles
inside of it, but at
least it's a Milky Way
instead of some boring razor
filled apple or wax lips,
am I right?
Just nod at the screen.
The fire has since been
declared under control,
after being started
intentionally by a dickhead.
I mean, yes, I have also
pondered if the fire
could kill the radioactive boars.
Like of course I've pondered that.
But if you Google are
boars resistant to fire
there's nothing that confirms or denies it
so why take the chance of having
a bunch of fire-bending
swine blasting around
like a (beep) army of feral Johnny Storms?
Come on, man.
It's basic logic and facts.
Okay let's do another
spin on the news wheel
we've definitely been
using this whole episode!
(plastic tapping)
Aw yeah eat me raw, space crimes!
Did you know there is not one,
but two space scandals
happening right now?
Just last year we got
the very first allegation
of a crime committed in outer space.
A first ever space crime.
It was against astronaut Anne McClain,
whose wife accused her of
committing identity theft
while she was on the space station
only to be charged with a crime herself
when it turned out she was
lying about the whole thing.
It was a space frame job!
And I'm no spacetorian
but that doesn't seem
like a common occurrence.
Sure you could argue that it's not as cool
as an actual space crime,
but let's take the win.
Let's enjoy the riveting space
drama of twists and turns.
And at least any aspiring
space criminals out there
can breathe easy knowing
that there's still a chance
that they can be the first.
So the space crime race continues!
Who will it be?
My money's on Christopher J. Cassidy,
he looks shifty as (beep).
Also in space crime
news, Elon Musk's SpaceX
has been accused of
price dumping by Russia.
Meaning that they are
allegedly undercharging
commercial launches
while overcharging NASA
to make up for it, effectively
pushing everyone else
out of the market.
Because we privatized space.
Which I'm sure will work out just great.
We're doing a lot of
space stuff, actually.
The aforementioned SpaceX
just launched a turd-bunch
of satellites that they hope to use
for a global internet network
that they will then charge people to use.
Because again privatizing space.
We're compiling a
futuristic satellite array
in the vast reaches of the unknown
so we can do Comcast stuff, but higher up.
Higher like weed.
Anyway, it's not all
space greed in the news
because the Mars rover just
totesally found organic
molecules on Mars that
could, but only maybe,
indicate evidence of
past life on the planet.
So that's cool.
Space is cool, you guys.
It's like regular things, but in space,
making it cooler than regular things.
And at least we have that.
And no one can take that away from us.
God damn it!
Coronavirus, you piece of (beep).
You (beep) piece of (beep).
Okay, maybe it's not
possible to discuss the news
of the world without also discussing
the biggest thing that's happening
which also happens to
be completely re-shaping
the way we do business,
interact with each other,
and think about politics,
and do space crimes.
It's like this big,
destructive force just landed
on our laps, disproportionately
affected lower classes,
and caused the wealthy to assure us all
we're overreacting because it
doesn't actually affect them.
And now it's hard to
think about anything else
because of how absurd it all is,
like some kind of clownish nightmare
where you're gang-stabbed
by talking confetti.
So everyone feels obligated to run
stories you might have missed pieces
and try to normalize the
situation as best they can.
And like, the problem is that you can try
to have as many new takes
as you can about it,
but ultimately the only thing you can say
is that we need to try
and get rid of this thing
and provide for each other
and like maybe change
society in significant ways.
Even though there are very dumb people
actively fighting that,
despite that being an act of
their own self-destruction.
So it's not like anything
else we've had to deal with
as of recent.
It's a totally new thing,
having the upper class tell us
to calm down and the
media try to normalize it
and people stupidly
protest against progress.
Ya know?
It's a totally new experience for us.
I guess that's it for
news you mighta missed.
I think I covered just about everything.
Oh, real quick also the
oil industry is collapsing
and no one saw it coming
and a bunch of companies
will go bankrupt and
it'll likely devastate
entire economies and change
the world as we know it.
Could have done the
entire episode about that,
or how when the president
brought up disinfectant
and definitely suggested we
test injecting it into people,
he said he wasn't talking to
the woman he addressed by name,
and half the country said he
didn't say the thing he said
and the other half of the
country said this, this, this,
this is the thing that will
make people turn around
on Trump, and surprise they're both wrong,
and again it's an entirely new experience.
I probably could have done
a episode about that too.
But, you know.
I don't like the look
of these purple clams.
Suspicious clams, if you ask me.
(upbeat dramatic music)
Hi, episode over.
Thanks watch.
Click subscribe like.
Comment podcast even more news.
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Thank you, goodbye.
