

## Tales from the Dad Side

By John Cosper

All stories copyright 2015 by John Cosper

All rights reserved.

johncosper.com

For

Micah, Mark, Alex, Riley, Katie, Dorothy, Owen, Naomi, Maggie Kay, Isabelle, Ian, Maggie Sue.

And of course,

Lydia and Sam

### The Tales Within:

Introduction

You, That's Who!

How Lydia Saved the World

The Parrot Who Was Kind of a Jerk

Sammy Wolf

I Do Not Like to Watch Star Wars

The Dragon Who Learned Some Manners

The Dinosaur and the Car Wash

The Dog Who Loved a Chicken

King Cockroach

Bad, Bad Bird

The Unhappy Robot

The Wrong Story

The Monster's Attic

Cinderdude

Handsome Klaus

Jerrod King of Mars

The Tick Who Went to Kindergarten

The Chocolate Cow

The Honest Monkey

The Wrong Foot

Sam's New Friend

Three Wolves

A Hillbilly Christmas Story

A Honey Badger on Noah's Ark

# Introduction

When my daughter Lydia moved out of her crib and into a big girl bed, we started having story time to help her settle in for the night. We began with reading the Bible, as well as the old favorites like Dr. Seuss, but over time, I started creating stories on the fly, with a few suggestions from my captive audience and some imagination. A year or so later, we added her brother Sam to the mix, and the evening ritual continued for years.

We don't have story time like we used to, but that doesn't mean we're not still telling stories. Quite the contrary. We make up stories all the time. These days the kids are much more interactive than they used to be. They're learning to improvise and tell their own stories in the car, after dinner, and yes, around bed time.

A few years ago I published some of my kids' favorites in a collection with this same title. I decided it was time to update the book with some stories that came along afterwards. You'll find everything from aliens to twisted fairy tales to morality tales in here. Some were intentionally created to teach lessons about life and faith. Some were just flights of fancy intended to produce laughter. All but a few were directly inspired by my kids.

There's no order to the stories, so start wherever you like. Read as many as you want. Skip the ones you don't like. And if you or your kids get inspired, put down the book and by all means make up your own stories.

The kids must share partial credit for the stories, since they were the inspiration and often part of the creative process. The art work in the book is completely Sam and Lydia's, and the individual artists are credited on each page.

Long before I had kids of my own, I heard it said that children who see their father read will become avid readers. I can tell you from experience, it's absolutely true. My hope is that other dads will take the time to read with their kids. I hope you'll enjoy these stories like we did. And I hope you'll help your kids discover the joy of reading.

John Cosper

September, 2015

# You, That's Who!

Once upon a time, there was a big, scary, fire breathing dragon who lived in a dark cave in the middle of the deep wood. The dragon was very mean, and he loved to terrorize the nearby castles and villages. He loved to eat brave knights in shining armor, but he preferred to eat fair maidens and princesses \- mostly because they didn't wear armor, which made his tummy hurt.

One day, the dragon ate twelve whole knights, armor and all. It was as big and satisfying a meal as he had ever had, but as you might imagine, his stomach was really hurting from all that armor. He tossed and turned beneath his blanket in his dark cave, and he just could not get to sleep.

"I cannot sleep!" he finally said aloud. "My stomach hurts from eating too many knights in armor."

Then the dragon had an idea. "I have an idea! I will go out for a walk in the dark woods! That will make my tummy feel better."

So the dragon went out into the dark woods, which were very dark indeed. An ordinary man, even the bravest knight, would have been afraid to walk through them alone. But this was not a man. This was a scary, fire breathing dragon. There was nothing in the world as scary as him, and he knew it.

But when the dragon got out into the woods, he heard a strange sound.

"Who?"

He walked along, and he heard it again.

"Who?"

The dragon turned and looked. He couldn't see anything. He couldn't smell anything. Not that he was afraid, mind you. But he wanted to know what the noise was. When he didn't hear it again, he kept on walking.

Then all of a sudden, he heard it again. "Who?"

The dragon stopped. "Hello?"

The woods were silent.

"Hello?" said the dragon. "Is anybody there?"

He listened a moment, but he did not hear anything. The dragon walked on.

"Who? Who?"

The dragon nearly jumped! Nearly, for he was still a big, scary, fire breathing dragon. And he was not afraid. But he was very certain someone was messing with him.

"All right, wise guy," said the dragon. "I know you're out there!"

"Who?"

"You, that's who!"

"Who?"

"The guy who keeps saying who!"

"Who?"

"I said the guy who keeps saying who!"

"Who?"

"Stop that!"

"Who?"

"You, that's who!"

"Who?"

The dragon let out a loud growl. He was really getting annoyed.

"Listen, buster, do you know who I am?"

"Who?"

"I am a big, scary, fire breathing dragon!"

"Who?"

"I am a fire breathing dragon!"

"Who?"

"I said I'm a fire breathing dragon!" The dragon was really mad now. "I breathe fire! I eat knights and damsels! I ate ten knights just today!"

"Who?"

"I don't know who!" snapped the dragon. "They tried to fight me, and I ate them! And I'll eat you too!"

"Who?"

"Stop saying that!"

"Who?"

"You, that's who!"

"Who?"

The dragon's three hearts were beating fast. He just could not imagine who would dare to tease him like this. He was a big, scary, fire breathing dragon! Everyone knew better than to mess with a big, scary, fire breathing dragon. But maybe this was something new, something that had never seen a big, scary, fire breathing dragon. He would have to teach the stranger a lesson.

"Okay, buddy," said the dragon. "You want to know what a big, scary, fire breathing dragon can do? You say who just one more time and I'll show you!"

"Who?"

"That's it!" screamed the dragon, and he blasted a huge fireball out of his mouth. The fireball hit a small tree and burned it down to ashes. It was a scary sight, scary enough to make even the bravest knight run away.

The dragon smiled.

"Did you see what I did? I just burned that tree to ashes!"

"Who?"

"Who!!!" The dragon snarled. "Me, that's who!"

"Who?"

"The dragon!"

"Who?"

"The fire breathing dragon!"

"Who?"

"Do I have to do it again?"

"Who?"

"Okay, pal, you asked for it!"

The dragon shot an even bigger fireball out of his mouth, burning an even bigger tree to ashes in a matter of seconds. But when the fire flamed out and the forest went dark, the voice came back the same as before.

"Who?"

The dragon couldn't believe it! He had shown this stranger how powerful he was, and he still wasn't scared! For the first time in his life, the dragon was scared.

"All right," said the dragon. "Stop playing games and tell me who you are!"

"Who?"

"You, that's who!"

"Who?"

"The guy who won't leave me alone!"

"Who?"

"The guy who keeps saying who!"

"Who?"

"Go away!"

"Who?"

"Leave me alone!"

"Who?"

"You, that's who!"

"Who?"

"AAAAAAAA!!!!!"

The dragon had had enough! He ran as fast as he could back through the woods, back to his cave. He hid underneath his dragon blanket, shaking and shivering, and he didn't sleep a wink all night.

Meanwhile, in a big, tall tree in the middle of the dark wood, a little squirrel stuck his head out of his hole. He looked out on the big branch and saw two yellow circles staring back at him.

"Who was that?" said the squirrel.

"Who?"

"The guy making all that racket?" said the squirrel

The two yellow eyes came closer, and the squirrel could make out the shape of a tiny little owl.

"Well," said the owl," He said he was a dragon."

"A dragon?" said the squirrel. "Is he still there?"

"No," said the owl. "I think something scared him away."

"Now what do you suppose would scare away a dragon?" said the squirrel.

"I dunno," said the owl. "But I bet it was scary!"

The squirrel scratched his head. "Well, good night, Charlie."

"Who?"

"I said good night, Charlie."

"Good night, Phil," said the owl.

# How Lydia Saved the World

Lydia never set out that morning to save the world. The only thing she cared about was not being late to class again. She knew if she was late, Ms. Epping would make her stay after and clean the erasers. So Lydia took a short cut to school, and that's how she ran into the UFO.

It was exactly like the ships Lydia had seen on all those old movies her dad liked to watch on Saturday afternoons. The ship was round and shiny with a silver metallic finish and a red, lighted dome on top. Lydia watched in awe as a ramp lowered from the front of the ship and an alien in a silver metallic suit stepped down from the ship.

The alien carried a blaster on one hand, almost as big as he was. He aimed it at Lydia and took off his helmet, revealing a slimy green head with three eyes on stalks and a wide, gaping mouth.

"I am Commander Voris Gruulog," said the alien in very good English. "And you are now our prisoner!"

Lydia looked around. "Who, me?"

"Yes, you!" said Voris Gruulog. "This planet is now the property of the Jodan Empire. I, Voris Gruulog, of the Jodan Armada, hereby take you as our first prisoner of war."

"But I'm just a kid," said Lydia.

"Silence, prisoner!" shouted Voris. "You will take us to your leader. Who is your leader?"

"Well," said Lydia. "There's my mom and dad, they're leaders in my house. And there's Ms. Epping, my teacher. She's the leader in my classroom, although Wyatt is the line leader right now."

"Stop stalling!" shouted Voris. "Who is the leader on this planet?"

Lydia thought for a minute. "The president is leader of the United States. That's the country we live in. But I'm not sure he's the leader of the world. Last week Ms. Epping taught us about something called the United Nations."

"I am losing patience!" shouted Voris, who was now joined by three more gun-wielding aliens in silver metallic suits. "Tell us who your leader is, and take us to them, or else!"

"Or else what?" asked Lydia.

"Or we will use the Proton Thermal Torture Ray on you!"

Lydia didn't like the sound of that. She had no clue what a Proton Thermal Torture Ray was, but it sounded pretty nasty. She could tell the aliens meant business, but she really had no idea what leader they wanted to see.

Of all the people on the planet, why did they have to stop her, especially when she was already in danger of being late to class.

She was not staying after school to clean erasers!

Then Lydia got an idea. Lydia looked at Voris Gruulog. She looked at the guns in the aliens' hands. She looked at the spaceship. She looked down at her feet.

Her feet, size sevens, were at least one inch longer than the total diameter of the tiny spaceship and much, much bigger than the little green men with laser guns.

Lydia lifted her foot with her size seven pink sneaker on it.

BAM! BAM! BAM!

She stomped the spaceship and the aliens into tiny, mangled, mashed up pieces and ran to school as fast as she could.

And that's how Lydia saved the world.

# The Parrot Who Was Kind of a Jerk

Once upon a time there was a parrot who was a total jerk. The parrot belonged to a little girl named Casey. Every morning when Casey woke up, the parrot would say, "Squawk! You're a dork!" This hurt Casey's feelings.

Casey would get dressed for school and comb her hair. The parrot would fly into the bathroom and say, "Squawk, nice shirt, dork!"

Casey would eat her breakfast. The parrot would fly around the table and say, "Squawk! Don't choke on your food, dork!"

Finally, Casey would walk out the door to go to school. The parrot would fly to the window and shout, "Squawk! Have a nice day, dork!"

After a few months, Casey couldn't stand it any more. She was tired of being bullied by a parrot. So she put the parrot in his cage, set the cage in her red wagon, and took him to see the parrot doctor.

"Hmmm," said the parrot doctor. "Your parrot looks perfectly normal to me. I don't think there's anything wrong with him."

"But that can't be!" said Casey. "He's always saying mean things to me!"

The parrot doctor smiled. "Parrots can only repeat words that they hear. If he is saying mean things, it's because he heard them from someone he knows."

As she walked back home, Casey wondered who could possibly have taught the parrot such mean words. On the way, she passed by a playground where Jimmy, one of her classmates was playing.

"Hey, Casey! Look at me" Jimmy shouted as he hung upside down off the monkey bars.

"You're a dork!" she shouted.

"Squawk! You're a dork!" said the parrot.

Casey saw her classmate Lauren, who was wearing the same shirt as Casey. This made Casey angry, and she said, "Nice shirt, dork!"

"Squawk! Nice shirt, dork!" said the parrot.

A block later, she saw another classmate named Donny eating some ice cream. Casey felt jealous. She wanted some ice cream too. "Don't choke on your food, dork!" she said.

"Squawk! Don't choke on your food, dork!" said the parrot.

As Casey walked up her drive way, she saw her neighbor Hank walking out of his house to work in his garden. "Have a nice day!" said Hank.

"Have a nice day, dork!" said Casey.

"Squawk! Have a nice day, dork!" said the parrot.

Casey stopped. She looked at the parrot. The parrot looked at Casey. Casey remembered what the parrot doctor said. The parrot said mean words because SHE said mean words. She felt ashamed.

Casey took the parrot in the house. She got on her knees in her room and prayed. "Dear God, forgive me for being mean to other people. Help me to learn to say only nice words, and help my parrot to learn to be nice as well."

A week went by, and the parrot continued to call Casey a dork. But then a week later, the parrot went silent. The parrot would watch her and listen, but he did not say a word. Casey continued to pray for herself and the parrot, and she tried her hardest to only say nice things to other people.

Finally, after two weeks, the parrot spoke. As Casey woke up that morning, the parrot said, "Squawk! Good morning, sunshine!"

Casey smiled at the parrot. "Good morning!" she said back.

Casey got dressed and combed her hair. The parrot flew into the bathroom.

"Squawk! Love your shirt. Love your shirt."

"Thank you," said Casey.

Casey went to the kitchen to her breakfast. The parrot flew around the kitchen saying, "Squawk! That looks yummy! That looks yummy."

Casey picked up her back pack and headed out the door. As she walked to the curb, she waved to her neighbor Hank.

"Have a nice day, Hank!" she said.

"Have a nice day, Casey," said Hank.

"Squawk! Have a nice day!" shouted the parrot.

Casey smiled as she waited for her bus. She used to have a parrot who was nothing but mean, but Casey had learned a valuable lesson. If you want other people to say nice things to you, you need to say nice things to others!

# Sammy Wolf

Once upon a time there was a Big Bad Wolf who had a little son named Sammy Wolf.

"Now, Sammy, it's time you learn how to be a Big Bad Wolf like me," his father said.

"Okay, Dad," said Sammy, "how do I do that?"

The Big Bad Wolf took his son down Drury Lane, where they came upon a little house made of straw. A Big Fat Pig was sitting on the porch. When the Big Fat Pig saw the Big Bad Wolf, he squealed and ran inside the house.

"Okay, son," said the Big Bad Wolf. "Now knock on the door and when he answers, say, 'Little pig, little pig, let me in!'"

Sammy Wolf knocked on the door. "Who is it?" The pig said.

"It's Sammy Wolf."

"No, no, no, son," said the Big Bad Wolf. "Don't say that. Say, "Little pig, little pig, let me in."

"But he asked who I was," said Sammy Wolf.

"Doesn't matter," said his dad.

"But it's rude not to introduce myself."

"Just do it the way I told you," said the Big Bad Wolf.

Sammy Wolf knocked on the door. "Who is it?"

"Excuse me, Mr. Pig, may I come in?"

"No, no, no!" said the Big Bad Wolf. "You're supposed to say, 'Little pig, little pig, let me in.'"

"But he's not a little pig," said Sammy. "He's a lot bigger than me!"

"Just do it the way I told you," said the Big Bad Wolf.

Sammy Wolf knocked on the door again. "Who's there?" said the pig.

"Little pig, little pig, can I come in, please?"

"No! No! No!" said the Big Bad Wolf. "Little pig, little pig, let me in!"

"But Mommy says we should always say please!" said Sammy Wolf.

"Just do it the way I told you," said the the Big Bad Wolf.

Sammy Wolf knocked on the door again. "Yes?" said the pig.

"Little pig, little pig, can you open the door?"

"NO! NO! NO!" shouted the Big Bad Wolf. "Little pig, little pig, let me in!"

"But grandma says we should be polite and ask!"

"Just do it the way I told you!" said the Big Bad Wolf.

Sammy Wolf knocked on the door again. "Yeah what?" said the pig.

"Little pig, little pig, let me inside your house?"

"NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!" screamed the Big Bad Wolf. "Little pig! Little pig! Let me in!!!!!"

"But teacher says we should never end a sentence with a preposition!"

"I don't even know what that means!" said the Big Bad Wolf.

"Well, Dad," said Sammy Wolf, "A preposition is a word-"

"Just get outta my way and let me do it!" The Big Bad Wolf pushed his son aside and pounded on the door.

"Who is it?" said the pig.

The Big Bad Wolf shouted: "LITTLE PIG, LITTLE PIG, LET ME IN!"

"Not by the hair on my Tummy Tum Tum!"

The Big Bad Wolf shook his head in disbelief. "What? That's not how it goes!"

The door opened. There stood the Big Fat Pig next to his son.

"I'm sorry, Harry," said the Big Fat Pig. "My boy here's just learning the ropes."

"Your boy needs to do it right!" shouted the Big Bad Wolf.

"My boy? What about your boy?" said the Big Fat Pig. "How come he can't do it right?"

As the Big Bad Wolf huffed and puffed and the Big Fat Pig grunted and snorted, Sammy Wolf smiled at the little pig.

"My name is Sammy," said Sammy Wolf.

"My name is Owen," said the little pig.

"Do you want to play?" said Sammy.

The little pig and the little wolf ran down the lane to the little playground, where they had a very nice time while their dads continued to argue all day and night.

# I Do Not Like To Watch Star Wars

I am Lars

Owen Lars

That Owen Lars!

That Owen Lars!

I do not like

that Owen Lars!

Do you like to watch Star Wars?

I do not like them, Owen Lars.

I do not like to watch Star Wars.

Would you like them here or there?

I would not like them here or there.

I would not like them anywhere.

I do not like to watch Star Wars.

I do not like them, Owen Lars.

Would you like them on Naboo?

Would you like them with Beru?

I do not like them on Naboo.

I do not like them with Beru.

I do not like them here or there.

I do not like them anywhere.

I do not like to watch Star Wars.

I do not like them, Owen Lars.

Would you watch on planet Hoth?

Would you watch them with Eeth Koth?

Not on planet Hoth.

Not with Eeth Koth.

Not on Naboo.

Not with Beru.

I would not watch them here or there.

I would not watch them anywhere.

I do not like to watch Star Wars.

I do not like them, Owen Lars.

Would you? Could you?

In a cloud car?

Watch them! Watch them!

Here they are.

I would not, could not, in a cloud car.

You may like them.

You will see.

You may like them with Padme!

I would not, could not with Padme.

Not in a cloud car! You let me be.

I do not like them on planet Hoth.

I do not like them with Eeth Koth.

I do not like them on Naboo.

I do not like them with Beru.

I do not like them here or there.

I do not like them anywhere.

I do not like to watch Star Wars.

I do not like them, Owen Lars.

Tatooine! Tatooine!

Tatooine! Tatooine!

Could you, would you, on Tatooine?

Not on Tatooine! Not with Padme!

Not in a cloud car! Let me be!

I would not, could not, on planet Hoth.

I could not, would not, with Eeth Koth.

I will not watch them with Beru.

I will not watch them on Naboo.

I will not watch them here or there.

I will not watch them anywhere.

I do not like to watch Star Wars.

I do not like them, Owen Lars.

Say!

A gundark? Here's a gundark!

Would you, could you, with a gundark?

I would not, could not, with a gundark.

Would you, could you, with Palpatine?

I would not, could not, with Palpatine.

Not with a gundark. Not on Tatooine.

Not in a cloud car. Not with Padme.

I do not like them, Owen, you see.

Not on Naboo. Not even Hoth.

Not with Beru. Not with Eeth Koth.

I will not watch them here or there.

I do not like them anywhere!

You do not like to watch Star Wars?

I do not like them, Owen Lars.

Could you, would you, with a Wookiee?

I would not, could not, with a Wookiee!

Would you, if he gave you a cookie?

I could not, would not, with a Wookiee.

I will not, if he gives me a cookie.

I will not watch on Tatooine.

I will not watch with Palpatine.

Not with a gundark! Not with Padme!

Not in a cloud car! You let me be!

I do not watch on planet Hoth

I do not like them with Eeth Koth.

I will not watch them on Naboo.

I do not like them with Beru.

I do not like them here or there.

I do not like them ANYWHERE!

I do not like to watch Star Wars!

I do not like them, Owen Lars.

You do not like them.

So you say.

Watch them! Watch them!

And you may.

Try them and you may, I say.

Owen!

If you will let me be, I will watch them.

You will see.

Say!

I REALLY LOVE to watch Star Wars!

I do! I love them, Owen Lars!

And I will watch them with a Wookiee.

And I will watch them with a cookie!

And I will watch on Tatooine.

And with a gundark and Palpatine.

Or in a cloud car. Or with Padme.

They are so good, so good, you see!

So I will watch on planet Hoth.

And I will watch them with Eeth Koth.

And I will watch them on Naboo.

And I will watch with Aunt Beru.

And I will watch them here and there.

Say! I will watch them EVERYWHERE!

I do so love to watch Star Wars.

Thank you, thank you, Owen Lars.

# The Dragon Who Learned Some Manners

Once upon a time in a far away kingdom there lived a very rude dragon. This dragon had no manners, and he made a lot of people very unhappy.

If the dragon wanted something from you, he would never say please. He would take what he wanted right out of your hands without even a thank you!

Worst of all, when the dragon sneezed, he never ever covered his mouth. Two balls of fire would fly out of his nostrils and set the village on fire.

One day, the princess decided she would teach the dragon to be polite. Everyone said she was crazy, but the princess believed everyone could learn manners if they tried.

The princess went to the dragon's cave. "Hello, dragon," she said.

The dragon growled at the princess, but the princess just smiled and pulled a candy bar out of her pocket.

When the dragon saw the candy bar, he tried to snatch it from her, but the princess was too fast. She pulled the candy bar back and said, "Dragon, when we want something, we say, 'Please.'"

The dragon growled and tried to snatch the candy bar again, but the princess stood her ground. "Say, 'Please.'"

"Pleeeeeeaase," said the dragon.

The princess held out the candy bar. The dragon took the candy bar and unwrapped it. The princess put her hand on his paw.

"When someone does something nice for us, we say, 'Thaaaaank youuuuuu.'"

The dragon said, "Thank you."

"You're welcome," said the princess. She left the dragon to enjoy his candy bar.

The next day the princess took another candy bar to see the dragon. The dragon tried to snatch the candy bar away, but when the princess reminded him, he said, "Pleeeeeeaase."

The princess gave him the candy bar. The dragon said, "Thank youuuuuu."

"You're welcome," said the princess.

When the princess went to see the dragon on the third day, the dragon didn't need to be told. The dragon said, "Pleeeeeeaase," when the princess offered him the candy bar and "Thank youuuuuu," when she gave it to him.

The princess was so excited that the dragon learned his manners, she bragged to the whole village. The people did not believe her, so on the fourth day, the princess invited the dragon to the town square.

Everyone was sure the dragon would be rude and snatch the candy bar from the princess, but when the princess showed him the candy bar, the dragon said, "Pleeeeeeaase." Then the princess gave him the candy bar, and the dragon said, "Thank youuuuuu."

Everyone was so happy to see that the dragon had learned his manners, they all began to cheer. One little girl ran up to the dragon and gave him some wildflowers. But when the dragon sniffed the flowers, he nose started to itch.

"Ah... ahhh... ahhhhhhhh."

"Not so fast!" said the princess. "When we sneeze, we use manners too." The princess held her arm over her nose, covering her mouth. "Sneeze into your arm so you don't share your germs."

The dragon smiled and nodded. He wrapped his small arm across his big nose and sneezed with a mighty, "AAAA-CHOOOO!"

FOOM!

Two balls of fire shot out of his nostrils and set his arm on fire!

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!" screamed the dragon as he tried to put his arm out. The dragon danced around the square trying to blow out the fire, but the more he blew, the more flames he spread, setting the village on fire again!

If you ever visit the kingdom of the polite dragon, you'll find the villagers have the most polite dragon in all the world. The people forgave the dragon, and the dragon continued to learn his manners. When the dragon wants something, he says, "Pleeeeeeaase." When someone does something nice for him, he says, "Thank youuuuuu." He even says, "Excuuuuuuse meeeeee," when he bumps into you.

But if the dragon starts to sneeze, you better run for the hills because there are just some things a dragon will never learn!

# The Dinosaur and the Car Wash

Once upon a time, long, long ago, there was a velociraptor who had a dream. His name was Jeremy, and more than anything else in the world, he wanted to own a car wash.

"I'm going to own a car wash!" he would tell his mother, brothers, and father. "It'll be the best car wash you ever saw, with spinning blue brushes and pink foamy soap and a warm rinse and heavy duty blowers and a tire shine!"

His mother, brothers, and father always laughed at him. "A car wash?" his brothers cried in unison. "Who ever heard of a car wash?"

"Velociraptors can't run a business," said his father.

"It's just a phase," said his mother.

Jeremy didn't pay any attention to their jeers. He had a dream, and no one was going to take away his dream of owning a car wash with with spinning blue brushes and pink foamy soap and a warm rinse and heavy duty blowers and a tire shine.

When Jeremy was a little older, he took his dream to Mr. Stegosaurus, president and owner of the First Dinosaur Bank.

"I need a business loan," he said. "I want to open a car wash!"

"Hmmm," said Mr. Stegosaurus. "What's a car wash?"

Jeremy told Mr. Stegosaurus all about his vision of a car wash with spinning blue brushes and pink foamy soap and a warm rinse and heavy duty blowers and a tire shine. Mr. Stegosaurus had never heard of such a thing in his life, but Jeremy was so excited about his car wash, he made him a deal.

"Tell you what," he said. "I'll give you the money to open a car wash. But if you don't make any money in a year, the bank will take it away from you."

Jeremy knew it was a risk, but he believed in his dream. "You got a deal!" he said, and Mr. Stegosaurus gave him the money.

Jeremy went right to work building his car wash, and what a sight it was. It had shiny chrome panels on the outside and a big, red and white sign that said "Jeremy's Car Wash" out front. Inside was a conveyor that would direct the cars through the spinning blue brushes, the pink foamy soap, a warm rinse, heavy duty blowers, and a tire shine. Everything was just as Jeremy always dreamed.

"Oh boy!" he said. "I'm gonna make a fortune!"

Unfortunately, Jeremy did not make a fortune. He didn't make a dime, in fact. While Jeremy had built the most beautiful, shiny car wash in all the world, it was also the only car wash in all the world. No one came to see Jeremy's Car wash, partly because no one knew what a car wash did or what it was for, but mostly because there was no such thing as a car.

Jeremy was very sad, and he was afraid he would soon be handing over his dream to Mr. Stegosaurus at the bank. But then out of the west came a herd of brachiosaurs.

"Excuse me," said the lead brachiosaur. "We've been traveling for days, and we need a place to wash up. Do you know where we can get ourselves clean?"

Jeremy shook his head. "No, I'm sorry. But if any of you have a car to wash, you're welcome to try my car wash."

The brachiosaur looked inside the car wash. "Say, this is a nice place. I like the blue brushes."

"Thank you," said Jeremy.

"Is that a pink soap dispenser I see?" asked the brachiosaur.

"Why yes," said Jeremy. "It is a pink soap dispenser. There's also a warm rinse, heavy duty blowers, and a tire shine."

The brachiosaur didn't know what a tire shine was, much less a tire, but he had an idea. "Would you mind if me and my friends went through your car wash?"

"I'm sorry," said Jeremy. "It's for cars only."

"That's too bad," said the brachiosaur. "We're really dirty, and I know we'd all be happy to pay for a good bath."

Jeremy looked at the brachiosaurs. He looked at his car wash. The car wash was more than big enough for the brachiosaurs, but it was a car wash, not a dinosaur wash.

Or was it?

Suddenly, Jeremy realized how he could save his dream.

"You know what?" said Jeremy. "Let's give it a try. Line starts right here, and it's two quarters a wash."

The brachiosaur smiled. "Okay, everybody, get your quarters out, we're taking a bath!"

An hour later, Jeremy was forty quarters richer, and the brachiosaurs were all clean. They were also very grateful.

"Thanks a lot, friend," said the lead brachiosaur.

"Thank you," said Jeremy. "And please tell all your friends about the Dino Wash!"

Jeremy spent the forty quarters on a new sign, and the car wash became a dino wash. Soon, Jeremy was talking in a hundred quarters a day. He paid back Mr. Stegosaurus, who became a regular customer himself, and even Jeremy's family said they were sorry for making fun of his dream.

"I always thought you were silly," said Jeremy's father. "I never believed a dinosaur could make money running a car wash."

"I didn't, Dad," said Jeremy. "The car wash was a bust, but along the way, I found an even better dream."

Jeremy opened more car washes, and soon all of his brothers were running the business for him. Jeremy was so successful, he decided to become a motivational speaker. He spent the rest of his days traveling the countryside teaching others to follow their dreams.

"Sometimes you're lucky and your dreams come true," he said. "But sometimes when dreams don't work out, an even better dream takes its place."

# The Dog Who Loved a Chicken

Once upon a time, there was a Hollywood stunt dog who went by the name Lee Minors. Lee was the most famous stunt dog in the world. He did stunts for the dog in that movie with that one guy, and he even did stunts for the cat in that other movie. Maybe you saw it?

Lee was very famous because he was the only stunt dog who could drive. He drove cars in just about all his movies, and just about every time, it ended in a great big car crash!

Lee was a very popular dog. He could have dated any animal in Hollywood, from Mamie van Pooch, who was in that very funny TV show, to Fifi LaDuke, who won an animal Oscar for her portrayal of a dying poodle in Le Puppy. But there was only one animal in Lee's heart, and that was Snowflake.

Snowflake wasn't a dog. She was a chicken. She was the most beautiful chicken in Southern California. She appeared in a few farm films in her early years, but most of her time was spent modeling perfume. Lee adored her, and he wanted nothing more in the world than to marry Snowflake.

Unfortunately for Lee, Snowflake was scared to death of dogs. Lee would drive down to the farm in his Mini Cooper and say, "Hello Snowflake!"

"EEEEEEEEP!" screamed Snowflake, and she ran back to the chicken coop.

This made Lee very, very sad.

Snowflake had a sister named Cindy who worked as Snowflake's assistant. Cindy wasn't afraid of dogs, and she liked Lee very much. Every time Snowflake ran away, Cindy would console the stunt dog.

"I'm so sorry my sister doesn't like you," said Cindy. "I think you're swell."

"If I'm so swell, why doesn't Snowflake like me?" asked Lee.

"Maybe you're not the guy for her," said Cindy.

"Then I'll become the guy for her!" said Lee.

Lee went down to Hollywood and Vine to go shopping. He bought a cool new shirt and some hip new pants. He even bought two pairs of those cool sneakers everyone wants.

"Now Snowflake will love me!" said Lee.

Lee dressed up and went back down to the farm. "Hey, Snowflake!" said Lee.

"EEEEEEEEP!" screamed Snowflake, and she ran back to the chicken coop.

Cindy shook her head. "I'm so sorry my sister doesn't like you. You look very handsome, but I liked you even before you dressed up."

"I guess Snowflake wants something else," said Lee. "I will become a movie star!"

Lee went to see his agent the next day. Within a few weeks, Lee signed on to star in a doggy remake of that awesome old car chase movie. Lee would not only star in the movie, he would do all his own stunts, and he would have the biggest car crash ever!

Lee spared no expense on his movie. He even got Boots Wonder, the famous kitty pop star, to do the theme song. And while the reviews were mixed on Lee's acting ability, the movie was a huge hit.

"Now Snowflake will love me!" said Lee.

Lee went back down to the farm. "Hey, Snowflake!" said Lee.

"EEEEEEEEP!" screamed Snowflake, and she ran back to the chicken coop.

Cindy shook her head. "I'm sorry my sister doesn't like you. You were great in the movie, but I liked you even before you were a movie star."

"I guess Snowflake wants something else," said Lee. "I will become a serious actor!"

Lee went back to Hollywood and made an art film. The less said about that, the better, so we'll just jump ahead to the part you know is coming where Lee says, "Now Snowflake will love me!"

Lee went back down to the farm. "Hey, Snowflake!" said Lee.

"EEEEEEEEP!" screamed Snowflake, and she ran back to the chicken coop.

Cindy shook her head. "I'm sorry my sister doesn't like you. Your movie was pretty awful, but I liked you even before you made a bad art film."

"I guess Snowflake wants something else," said Lee. "I will become a pop star!"

Lee went to visit his new friend Boots Wonder, and Boots was kind enough to let Lee audition for him. Unfortunately, Lee was a great stunt man but a terrible singer.

"Man," said Boots, "You are a terrible singer!"

Lee was sad. "I'll never win Snowflake's heart!"

"Be cool, man," said Boots. "Let's see if we can't get Snowflake to love you anyway."

Boots told Lee his plan. Boots would go with Lee to the farm, and Boots would play and sing a song for Snowflake from a hiding place. Lee would stand by the chicken coop and pretend to sing so that Snowflake would think it was Lee, not Boots, who sang to her!

"Now Snowflake will love me!" said Lee.

Lee went back down to the farm with Boots Wonder. Boots brought his keyboard and set it up behind the barn, where no one could see him. Then Lee went over to the chicken pen.

"Hey, Snowflake!" said Lee.

"EEEEEEEEP!" screamed Snowflake, and she ran back to the chicken coop.

Lee wasn't sad this time. He had a plan. Boots Wonder began to play and sing his hit song, "Be My Chicky Baby," while Lee pretended to sing.

Oh chicky baby,

Be my chicky baby,

Oh chicky baby,

Be my chicky baby,

Oh chicky baby,

Be my chicky baby tonight!

Snowflake came out to listen. Cindy came out to listen. Every animal on the farm came out to watch the dog sing to his chicky baby. But when the song was over, Snowflake broke Lee's heart.

"Boots Wonder!" said Snowflake. "Boots Wonder sang to me!"

Lee couldn't believe it. Boots couldn't believe it. Boots came out from hiding to tell the chicken it was Lee, not he, who loved her. But when Boots saw Snowflake, he fell in love with the beautiful chicken and forgot all about Lee.

"Wow!" said Boots. "You are the prettiest chicken ever!"

Boots and Snowflake jumped in the pop star's car and they ran off to Vegas to get married. Lee was very, very sad.

Cindy shook her head. "I'm sorry my sister doesn't like you. You're not a good singer, but I liked you even before you were a pop star."

"I guess Snowflake wants something else," said Lee.

Cindy looked at Lee. "Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't like you for who you are?"

Lee never thought about it that way. He was happy just being a stunt dog. He didn't need fancy clothes. He didn't need to be a movie star or even a pop star. he wanted to be Lee Minors, the greatest stunt dog ever. And he wanted someone to like him for who he was.

"I always liked you before," said Cindy.

Lee looked at Cindy. "You did, didn't you?"

Cindy nodded. "I think stunt dogs are the coolest!"

Lee smiled. "You wanna go get some coffee?"

"Sure," said Cindy. "But I'm driving!"

"Why are you driving?" asked Lee.

"I've seen all your movies," said Cindy. "I know how crazy YOU drive!"

# King Cockroach

Once upon a time in a far away kingdom, a king and queen were celebrating the birth of their daughter, Princess Sylvia. Noble men and women from all over the kingdom came to the palace to congratulate King Todd and Queen Margo, and magical fairies from all around the world came to give the child their blessings.

"I bless this child with eternal beauty that will last all her days," said Lucinda, the kind fairy of the North.

"I bless this child with great intelligence and wisdom so she can be a doctor and a lawyer!" said Camille, the kind fairy of the East.

Just then, a puff of black smoke filled the room, and a wicked fairy dressed in black appeared.

"So, King Todd," she said, "We meet again!"

The king shook his head in disbelief. "Desdemona? Is that you?"

"So you do remember me!" she said.

The queen turned to the king. "Who is this fairy?"

"It's Desdemona," he said, "The nasty fairy of the south. We went out."

"Went out??" shouted Desdemona. "We were in a relationship!"

"We were not!" said the king. "We went to dinner, we saw a show."

"And you never called!" said Desdemona.

"It was only a first date!" said the king. "There was no connection between us, so I didn't ask you out again!"

"And now you will pay for it!" said the wicked queen. She brandished her black wand, and purple sparks shot from its tip. "On the day your daughter turns sixteen, you will be transformed into... a cockroach!"

The hall was silent. The king's mouth fell open in shock. The queen looked puzzled.

"So, you're not cursing my child?" asked Queen Margo.

"No," said Desdemona. "I have no problem with you or the child. It's with him."

"I'm going to turn into a cockroach??" the king screamed.

"What a relief!" said the queen.

"What do you mean, relief?" said the king. "I'm going to turn into a cockroach."

"Would you rather she curse our daughter?" said the queen. "Would you rather our little Sylvia prick her finger and fall asleep or eat a poisoned apple?"

"I'd rather not turn into a cockroach before I can give her hand in marriage!" shouted the king.

"I can't believe you're being so selfish about this!" said the queen.

"Believe it," said Desdemona. "Did I mention I had to pay for my dinner?"

"You offered to go dutch!" the king said.

"You were supposed to refuse my offer!" said Desdemona.

"She's right," said the queen. "You should have picked up the check."

"I can't believe you're taking her side!" said the frustrated king.

"And I can't believe you'd rather she curse our little baby," said the queen. "Our daughter gets to grow up, beautiful and smart, you take the vengeful curse. It's a win-win any way you look at it."

Desdemona left the palace, and the celebration continued. Soon the curse was forgotten, and the princess grew quickly. She was very beautiful, and so smart that she graduated high school at age fourteen. She was on her way to med school when the day of her sixteenth birthday arrived. That very morning, just as Desdemona said, the king was transformed into a cockroach.

"Honey, I'm a cockroach!" said the king as he sat up in bed.

"Oh no!" said the queen. "I almost forgot about that awful curse!"

"Oh, now it's an awful curse?" he said. "You were so thrilled that I was the one getting cursed and not our daughter."

"Of course I was," said Queen Margo. "At least our daughter will be okay."

"But what about me?" said the king. "How am I going to wear my royal robes with six legs?"

"You're not," said the queen. "You're going to have to leave."

"Leave the palace?" said the king. "Why?"

"Because you're a cockroach!" said the queen. "We can't have cockroaches in the palace."

The king climbed out the window, down the wall of the palace, and back to the garbage heap. He dug into the trash and found a moldy banana to munch and sighed to himself. "Thanks a lot, Desdemona."

Just then, like magic, a puff of black smoke appeared, and the wicked fairy was standing before the king.

"Who dares summon Desdemona?" she said.

"Me," said the king. "King Todd?"

"Your highness," said Desdemona, chuckling to herself. "My goodness, has it been sixteen years already?"

"Yes it has," said the king. "My daughter is beautiful and smart, and I'll never get to see her married because I'm now a cockroach."

"You poor thing," said Desdemona. "I'm so dreadfully sorry."

"Sorry!" shouted the cockroach. "You're the one who did this to me!"

"That was sixteen years ago," said Desdemona. "I was young and impulsive and angry. I thought revenge would make me happy, but now, it all seems so silly."

"So you're not mad any more?"

"No, no, no," said Desdemona. "I forgot about you years ago. I met and married a wonderfully evil king with a castle and a dragon and a hundred black and evil horses. We even have a little princess of our own who starts evil Kindergarten this fall."

"How nice," said the king. "But that still doesn't change the fact you turned me into a cockroach!"

"You got off easy," said Desdemona. "I turned the Mountain King into a beluga whale. You know how far it is from the mountains to the ocean?"

King Todd laughed. "Yes, I guess I did get off easy."

"I'm sorry I turned you into a cockroach," she said.

"I'm sorry I never called you," said the king. "Is there any way you could change me back?"

"There is," said Desdemona, "But it's not that simple."

"What do you mean?" asked the king.

"It's black magic," said Desdemona. "You can't just undo black magic spells. If you want me to undo the spell, you have to do something in return."

"I'll do anything," said King Todd.

"Anything?" said Desdemona.

"Anything!" said the king.

"Very well," said Desdemona, brandishing her black wand.

The wicked fairy Desdemona transformed King Todd back into a human, and after taking a long, hot bath, he was welcomed back into the palace in time for Princess Sylvia's birthday celebration. The king lived a long, happy life, and even lived to play with his great-grandchildren.

But so long as he lived, every Saturday afternoon, the king would make the twenty mile trek to Desdemona's palace, where he would wash all one hundred of her evil horses while wearing ballet shoes and a tutu.

# Bad, Bad Bird

"What's the matter, Dog?"

Dog looked nervous. He was sitting in the middle of his yard, trembling, his eyes wide with fear, as he looked over at the scrawny yellow cat.

"I'm afraid," said Dog.

"Afraid of what?" said Cat.

"That bird up there."

Cat looked in all the trees. What sort of bird could scare a mean bulldog like Dog? An eagle? A falcon? A condor?

"I don't see any birds," said Cat.

"Up there in the sycamore," said Dog. "Third branch up on the left."

Cat looked at the sycamore tree, and on the third branch up on the left, he spotted a tiny little blue bird staring intently at the gray dog below.

"You mean that tiny little thing?"

Dog nodded. "Yup, yup, that's the one."

"Dog, it's just a little bird," said Cat. "What are you afraid of?"

Dog said, "Just watch."

Dog turned his back on the bird. Cat did the same. They waited.

And waited.

And waited.

BAM!

Like a bullet from a rifle, the bird tore out of the tree, drilling Dog in the head and swooping back in the sky. The mean little bird grabbed a chunk of hair on Dog's head and yanked it out as he flew on.

"YEEEEEEOW!" screamed Dog.

"Wow," said Cat. "That's one mean bird!"

"I know," said Dog. "He's been doing it all day. He won't leave me alone."

"Don't you worry, buddy," said Cat. "We cats are expert bird catchers. I'll catch that bird."

Cat ran into the garage and came back a few moments later with a butterfly net.

"Okay, Dog," said Cat. "Let's let that bird try that trick again.

Dog turned his back to the bird. They waited. And waited. And waited.

BAM!

The bird flew straight down from the tree, burning right through the butterfly net Cat swung at him and nailing Dog on the head once more. Dog whimpered and howled in pain as Cat examined the broken net.

"Wow," said Cat, "That bird's got some speed. Looks like we need something a little stronger."

Cat ran into the garage and came back a few moments later with a catcher's mitt.

"Okay, Dog," said Cat. "Let's let that bird try that trick again.

Dog turned his back to the bird. They waited.

And waited.

And waited.

BAM!

The bird flew straight down from the tree, burning right through the catcher's mit and burning his little paw.

"YEEEEEEOW!" screamed Cat.

The bird grabbed another chunk of fur from Dog's head and flew back to his perch, while Dog lay crying in the grass.

"Wow," said Cat, "That bird is dynamite!"

"It's no use," said Dog. "We'll never catch him."

"Don't worry, buddy," said the Cat. "I have an idea."

Cat ran into the house and came back a few minutes later.

"Okay, Dog," said Cat. "Let's let that bird try that trick again.

With a heavy sigh, Dog turned his back to the bird. They waited.

And waited.

And waited.

BONG!

The bird made yet another dive at Dog, but this time, Cat swung a cast iron skillet at the bird. The bird was going so fast, he made a bird-shaped dent in the bottom of the skillet, knocking himself out.

Dog couldn't believe it. Cat whooped with joy.

"What do we do, Cat?" said Dog. "What do we do?"

Cat shouted, "Grab a box! Quick!"

They found a box and tossed the bird and skillet inside, sealing it up quickly. Cat marked the box for Abu Dhabi and set it out by the curb for the mailman, who picked it up that afternoon and took it far, far away.

"He's gone," said Dog. "He's really gone. Thank you, Cat."

"It's my pleasure," said Cat.

Life went back to normal. Dog's hair grew back, and Dog and Cat had some fun times over the summer months. Then spring came, and with it, Dog's birthday.

Cat gave dog a brand new ball. Dog's owner brought him a chew toy and some new Milkbones. It was a happy birthday indeed.

Then, the mail came.

A box was left on the front porch, addressed simply to "Dog." Dog's owner brought the box out into the backyard and set it down in front of Dog and Cat.

"What do you think it is?" said Dog.

"Open it!" said the curious Cat.

Cat slit the box open with his claw. Dog opened the box. They looked inside.

They waited.

And waited.

And waited.

BAM!

Dog flew backwards as if hit by a comet, landing on his back. He rolled over, shook his head, and turned to Cat.

"What happened?" said Dog. "What was it?"

Cat said nothing. He was looking up at the sycamore, third branch up on the left, where the little blue bird sat looking madder than ever.

"Cat?" said Dog.

Cat already knew what he was going to say. "We are in big, big trouble, Dog."

# The Unhappy Robot

Once upon a time there was a robot named Molar 1, who was rather unhappy with his lot in life. Molar 1 was not a particularly fancy robot. He was tall, with a tiny head containing two robot eyes and a rather advanced (if compact) brain. He had a long, thin body that sat on a round base with wheels, and three long, articulated arms.

The first arm had a round, cup-like hand on the end that could expand and contract in diameter from three centimeters to eight.

The second arm had a three robot fingers at the end.

The third arm ended with a most exciting appendage: a tiny brush that could vibrate and hum.

Every morning, Molar 1 would meet his human master in the wash room, right after breakfast. he would use the first arm to turn on the tap. He would then wet the brush on his third arm while the second arm grabbed a small tube. The first arm would shut off the tap, then the second arm would apply paste to the brush on the end of the third arm. Molar 1 would then activate the vibrating feature in his third arm and apply the brush to his master's teeth, scrubbing gently, until all traces of plaque were cleaned away. The first hand would turn on the tap, and the second hand would fill a cup of water. The master would rinse his mouth with the cup of water, then Molar 1 would rinse off his brush on the third arm before turning off the tap with his first.

Molar 1 and his master would repeat their daily ritual every morning and every evening. When his master was gone or off to bed, Molar 1 would sit in the corner on his charger and think about nothing else except his dream. He wanted to do something special, something big - but what?

One day, Molar 1's master noticed his robot was not vibrating with the same cheery hum he usually had. "What's the matter, Molar 1?" he asked.

"I'm sorry, master," Molar 1 replied. "But I don't feel like I am living up to my full potential."

"Are you getting enough time on the charger?" asked the master.

"Yes, I am getting enough," he said. "My problem isn't feeling charged up. It's feeling useful."

"You are useful, my robot friend," said the master. "You keep my teeth clean. If you didn't, my teeth would rot and fall out."

"I know this, master," said Molar 1, "But I feel like there's something more I could do. Something bigger."

"You don't think keeping my teeth clean is a big, important job?" asked the master.

"No," said the robot. "I know it's an important job. It's just not a very big job."

"I see, I see," said the master. "Have you given any thought to what else you might do?"

"No, I haven't," said Molar 1. "But I am willing to try new things. Perhaps you can help me find a bigger purpose."

The master rubbed his chin. "Well, now, let me think. You know Floorbot has been acting up a bit lately. Perhaps you could take his job."

"Really?" said Molar 1. "Are you sure?"

"Of course," said the master. "I don't want to have sad robots. And Floorbot could use a little rest. When I go to work today, why don't you speak to Floorbot?"

"Why thank you," said Molar 1. "I will!" Molar 1 had never met Floorbot, and had no idea what Floorbot did. But he sounded very impressive.

The master left for work, Molar 1 went in search of Floorbot. That evening, when it came time for the master to brush his teeth, he walked into the washroom and found Molar 1 waiting for him.

"Well, did you meet Floorbot?"

"Yes I did," said Molar 1.

"Did he teach you about his job?" asked the master.

"He sure did," said Molar 1. "What an amazing robot. He has a huge, round, spongy bottom that he uses to clean all the hard floors. He also has two large hands that he uses to fill a bucket with soap and water, then dump them into his reservoir. And he has a third hand that he uses as a... what was that word? A squeegee! What a funny word."

"Yes," said the master. "It is funny. But Floorbot is well built to do his job."

"Oh yes, master," said Molar 1. "He showed me how he does things, step by step, and he is very good at it."

"Did he give you a chance to try?"

Molar 1 sighed, as only a robot could. "I tried, master, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do it!"

"Why not?" said the master.

"Well, since I don't have an internal water tank like Floorbot, we decided I could use a bucket instead. I was able to grab a bucket with my second hand, and fill it with the tap using my first hand. Then I set it on the floor and used the second hand to add soap."

"Sounds like a good plan," said the master.

"I thought so," said Molar 1,"But that's when it fell apart. You see, I don't have a big spongy bottom to clean the floor like Floorbot does. All I have is this little tiny vibrating brush. I thought, maybe my brush will work on the floor like his sponge."

"Did it work?" said the master.

"It worked," said Molar 1, "But not well at all. my brush was so small compared to Floorbot's sponge, I could only do a few inches in the time Floorbot could do a whole room!"

"Hmm," said the master. "That's not making very good time."

"And there was another problem," said Molar 1. "My arms aren't designed to reach all the way to the floor. So whenever I reached really far away, I would tip over!" Molar 1 sighed another robot sigh. "I guess cleaning floors just isn't for me."

"Hmm," said the master. "Perhaps the Floorbot's job isn't big enough for you. Let me see if I can think of another job, a bigger job, just for you."

The next morning, Molar 1 was very excited to see his master. His master was smiling, and he said to Molar 1, "I have the perfect job for you!"

"Really?" said Molar 1. "What is it?"

"You should be a skyscraper window bot!"

"Wow!" Molar 1 had no idea what a skyscraper window bot was, but it sounded very impressive. "What will I do?"

"Tell you what," said the master. "I know a guy who has some skyscraper window bots. I can take you downtown when I go to work, and you can work with them."

"That sounds great!" said Molar 1. He gave his master an extra nice cleaning that morning, so excited about his new found destiny. When he was finished, he climbed in the hover car with his master and headed downtown.

Nine hours later, Molar 1's master picked him up. "Well, how was your day?" he asked.

"It was okay," said Molar 1. "The skyscraper window bots are nothing like me at all."

"They're not?" said the master. "They have a hand like yours to turn the water taps on and off.

"Yes, they do," said Molar 1.

"And they have grasping hands like yours to carry buckets of soapy water."

"Yes they do," said Molar 1. "But they don't have tiny brushes like mine. They have big, impressive brushes on one hand, and they have a fourth hand with a squeegee." Molar 1 really liked the sound of that word. "Squeegee," he said once more.

"Not only that, but they also have big, suction cup feet for climbing miles into the air and cleaning windows. Me? I never got off the ground. I just polished the windows at ground level. I spent all day on those, cleaning one floor of the building, while two of them cleaned the other 2999 floors of the skyscraper!"

"My, my," said the master. "Too bad you can't get those big suction cup feet."

"Or a squeegee," said Molar 1. "Squeegee."

"Perhaps being a skyscraper window bot isn't a big enough job for you either," said the master. "Let me see if I can think of something bigger for you."

That evening, Molar 1 brushed his master's teeth in silence. He was clearly very sad that he had not found something bigger and more important. He started to think about his job. He knew that his master needed a robot to brush his teeth. If Molar 1 didn't do his job, his master's teeth would rot and fall out. And his breath would get stinky. Molar 1 started to realize he had a very important job. When he found something bigger, some other robot would need to come along and take his place. But whom?

The following morning, Molar 1's master came in the washroom. "I've got it! I've been thinking all night, and I know what you should do. You should be a pilot-bot on a star cruiser!"

"Wow!" Molar 1 didn't know what a star cruiser was, but it sounded impressive. Very impressive.

"I work down at the star port, you know," said the master. "Let me take you down there, and we'll sign you up for pilot-bot training. I think it'll be great for you."

"I sure hope so," said Molar 1, finishing off a nice morning scrub on his master's molars. "Hmm," he thought to himself. "I wonder if I'll have to change my name to be a pilot-bot. I hope not. Molar 1 is a wonderful name."

The master took Molar 1 to the starport. He showed him to the pilot-bot training center, then went on to his job. That evening, Molar 1 was waiting for him when he came back.

"They kicked me out," said Molar 1.

"Oh no!" said the master. "What happened?"

"They said I wasn't qualified to be a pilot-bot," said Molar 1. "I just wasn't made for the job."

"Why not?" asked the master. "Did the pilot-bots have big suction cup feet or giant spongy bottoms?"

"Oh no!" said Molar 1. "Many of them had a base just like mine."

"What about a water tank?" asked the master.

"No, no one had one of those," said Molar 1.

"Did they have big squeegees?" said the master.

"No, no one had a squeegee," said Molar 1. "Squeegee."

"So what happened?" said the master.

"All those pilot bots had were regular grasping hands, like my number two hand," said Molar 1. "Some had three hands like mine. Some had four. Some even had eight. But they were all grasping hands. No cupped hands to turn on taps, and no brushes."

"That sounds rather boring," said the master. "I don't think I'd want to be a pilot-bot."

"Me either," said Molar 1.

"Perhaps that job wasn't' big enough for you either," said the master. "Let me see if I can think of something else. Something really big."

The master took Molar 1 home. Molar 1 went to the washroom to sit on his charger. He thought about all he had learned the last few days from Floorbot, the skyscraper window bots, and the pilot-bot training program. He thought about how well those robots were made for their jobs. Then he thought about the arms that his master had given him.

He had a hand perfect for turning water on and off.

He had a hand for grasping tubes of toothpaste and cups of water.

He had a hand just perfect for scrubbing teeth.

Suddenly, Molar 1 didn't feel so bad.

The sky grew dark outside, and the master came in for his nightly tooth scrubbing. "You know, Molar 1, I've been thinking. I know a guy who has a pet grooming business. Perhaps that might be a good job for you."

"That's kind of you to offer, master," said Molar 1, "But I've been doing some thinking too."

"You have?" asked the master.

"There are a lot of important jobs out there," said Molar 1, "And some rather impressive robots out there doing those big jobs. But I don't think a single one of them could do what I do."

"You don't?" asked the master.

"No way. Look at my three arms. Look at my body. It is very clear to me that I was made to brush teeth, and you know what? I think that job is just perfect for me."

The master smiled a shiny, clean smile. "You know what? I think it's perfect too."

# The Wrong Story

Once upon a time on a little farm in the deep dark wood lived a farmer named Alex. Alex was a very happy guy who had all he needed in the world - a plot of land, a cozy little home, a prized pumpkin that he would soon turn into a delicious pumpkin pie, and a cow. But all that changed the day a stranger showed up trying to swap some magic beans for his cow.

"I know you and your mother are poor," said the stranger with one weird eye and a limp. "These magic beans will take you to another world, where you can find gold and treasure beyond your imagination!"

"My mom doesn't live here," said Alex. "And what I don't have, I don't need, so thanks anyway for the offer."

"Don't be proud," said the weird old man. "Just take the beans, and I'll take your cow."

They were interrupted by a little girl in a red hood, who was looking for her grandmother's house. Alex turned to the little girl and offered her directions, and by the time he looked back, the weird old man was half way down the road with his precious cow.

"Hey you!" screamed Alex. "Come back here with my cow!"

The weird old man cackled and tossed the beans over his head, causing a giant beanstalk to spring up and block Alex's path. Alex ran face first into the beanstalk and fell to the ground.

After he came to his senses, Alex got up and wandered back home. He was very sad about the loss of his cow, and the one thing in the world that would make him feel better was a bowl of porridge. Unfortunately, when Alex returned home, he found all his porridge was gone, and a little girl was passed out on his favorite chair.

"Hey!" he said. "What are you doing in my favorite chair?"

"I'm sorry," said the little girl. "If you had a smaller one, I'd have sat in that one instead."

Alex threw the little blonde out of his house. Sadder than ever, he sat down by the fireplace amongst the cinders feeling sorry for himself. "My cow!" he cried. "My precious cow! What will I do without my cow?"

Just then, in a puff of white smoke, a plump old lady in a sparkling blue frock appeared.

"Who are you?" said Alex.

"I'm your fairy godmother!" she replied.

Alex scratched his head. "Fairy godmother?" I didn't realize I had one."

"Of course you do, Cinderella," said the fairy godmother, "I am here to help you get to the ball!"

Alex looked around. "Wait, Cinderella? Who's Cinderella?"

"Oh you sweet thing, don't talk so hard about yourself," said the fairy godmother. "I know that wicked step-mother of yours made you believe you were nothing, but believe me you are someone special."

"Lady, there must be some mistake," said Alex. "My name is Alex, my step-mother Laverne is a very sweet lady, and the only thing I need is--"

"A beautiful ball gown!" said the fairy godmother. With a flick of her magic wand, Alex's old farmer clothes were transformed into a dazzling blue gown, and his old, worn out boots transformed into a pair of glass slippers.

"Hey!" screamed Alex. "Now look here, lady, I'm not Cinderella! I'm Alex, I'm a guy, and I am not going to the ball!"

"Not on foot, you're not," said the fairy godmother. With another flick of the wand, Alex's prized pumpkin turned into a sweet carriage. Before Alex could express his anger over the loss of his pumpkin, he was shoved into the carriage and sent on his way to the palace.

No sooner did Alex arrive at the ball, he caught the eye of the prince, who swept him out onto the dance floor. The prince was enchanted, enraptured, enamored - and completely unaware that he was not dancing with the real Cinderella.

"Oh Cinderella," said the prince. "You dance with such grace and style!"

"I'm not Cinderella!" Alex screamed over the orchestra. "I'm Alex the farmer, and I just want my cow back!"

"I will give you a thousand cows and a thousand horses," said the prince. "Just say you will marry me!"

Alex opened his mouth to protest once more, but this time he was interrupted by a funny little man in pointy shoes and a pointy hat.

"There you are, princess," said Rumplestiltskin. "Just remember, when you marry this prince, your first child belongs to me!"

"What are you talking about??" said Alex. "I'm not a princess!"

"You will be when we are married," said the prince.

"And then your baby will be mine!" boasted Rumplestiltskin.

"I don't want to get married!" Alex shouted. "And I am definitely not having a baby! I just want to find my cow and go home!"

With a puff of black smoke, another fairy appeared - this time an evil one with an evil laugh and a dazzling black gown of her own.

"You better hope your cow lives for a hundred years, princess," said the evil fairy. "For now that you are sixteen years of age, I have come to put you in a hundred years sleep!"

"Not before I collect my baby!" said Rumplestiltskin.

"Not before we are married!" said the prince.

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" said Alex. "I don't know what's going on here, but I am not a girl, I do not want to be a princess, and as much as I could use a nap, I can't sleep for a hundred years because it's almost bean season!"

Just then the clock struck midnight. Alex's gorgeous ball gown turned back into farmer's rags, leaving him in feeling very awkward in his old rags and a pair of glass slippers.

"She's a dude!" said the evil fairy.

"Am I at the wrong address?" said Rumplestiltskin.

"Hey!" said the prince. "What did you do with Cinderella?"

Alex ripped the glass slippers off his feet, tossing one high in the air as he made a break for it. He ran out of the palace two steps ahead of the prince's royal guard and back up the road for his home - where he ran smack into the weird old man with his cow.

"Hello, Jack!" said the weird old man. "How did you do with that giant?"

Alex smashed the other glass slipper on the weird old man's head, grabbed his cow, and raced for home.

A few hours later, all was right with the world. Alex was home, his cow was home, and they were enjoying a quiet evening by the fire sipping hot cocoa. Suddenly, there was a loud knock at the front door. Alex walked to the door and opened it, where he saw a big bad wolf standing on his welcome mat.

"Granny?" said the Wolf, who seemed genuinely confused to see the young farmer standing at the door.

"I'm sorry," said Alex. "You've got the wrong story."

# The Monster's Attic

It was a dark and stormy night!

To a human, it's the kind of night guaranteed to keep you awake and give you spooky dreams, but to Kyle, an eight year old monster, it's the kind of night that can only be summed up in one word - BORING!

Kyle was a boogey boy. One day he would be a boogey man, but at the time, he was only eight, and he was really, really bored. His boogey mom was out shopping while his boogey dad was at work. He'd played with his toys and watched TV as long as he could stand, but now he wanted to do something FUN.

He wanted to go into the attic.

Kyle had never been in the attic. One time he tried to follow his dad up the steps, but his dad stopped him. "Don't ever go in the attic, son!" he said. "Never, ever, ever!"

Kyle obeyed his Dad, but every kid knows that when mom and dad say no, it only makes you want to do it more - even if it's not good for you.

Kyle sat in the upstairs hall, looking at the door that led to the attic. It was unlocked. No one was home. He could sneak in, have a peek around, and slip out before his dad got home.

Kyle smiled to himself. No one would ever know.

With lightning flashing outside, Kyle tiptoed down the long hall. He put his furry hand on the knob and turned it with a click. He pulled the door open slowly and stepped inside.

Up, up, up the steps he went. He caught glimpses of the wonders of the attic as lightning flashed through the windows. His steps quickened as he got closer to the top. He reached up, felt around, found the chain for the light and pulled it, throwing a bright light on a wondrous attic full of... BOXES!

Boxes? Yes, boxes. All Kyle could see were old, dusty boxes. There were boxes of old clothes, boxes of old tax returns, boxes of old books, and boxes with more boxes in them.

Kyle was disappointed. This was his dad's big secret? It was nothing but boring old junk! Just an attic full of old storage.

Kyle knew there had to be something cool or secret in one of the boxes. He opened them one by one and had a peek inside. Finally, toward the back, he found something interesting. It was his dad's old high school yearbook. He flipped through the book and found his dad on a few pages. He saw his dad dressed for the prom. He saw his Dad laughing with friends in the hall. He saw his dad holding a big trophy that he won as a member of the school's math team.

"Math team?" said Kyle with a laugh. "My dad was a nerd!"

Kyle could see where his dad would want this kept secret, but it still didn't seem big enough to keep him from ever being allowed in the attic. Then Kyle saw something really interesting. It was just beyond the box with the yearbook. It wasn't a box, but a ladder, a ladder leading up to a small hatch door in the ceiling.

Lightning flashed. Thunder rolled. Kyle put the yearbook away and walked to the ladder. He started to climb, up, up, up. As he reached the top, a loud clap of thunder and lightning knocked out the power. Kyle was in the dark, but he was not afraid. He was ready for an adventure. He unlocked the hatch door and pushed up.

Kyle reached up through the hatch. He could feel carpeting on the floor above him. He took two more steps and could see a little better. He was in a tiny crawl space, no more than a few feet high. He looked to his left and right, and he could see what appeared to be curtains on both sides. To the right, he could see a light shining through the curtains, beckoning him to explore further.

Kyle crawled up into the crawl space, his head pointed toward the light. He inched his way across the carpet, lifted up the curtain, and gawked at what he saw.

He was in another room! It was a bedroom, a lot like his but somehow, different. The light he saw came from a tiny night light plugged into the wall. Beside the night light was a white chest of drawers overflowing with clothes. Against another wall was a bookshelf spilling over with books and toys and teddy bears. And all over the floor, Kyle saw toys. Toy soldiers, toy cowboys, toy ninjas.

Toy people.

Human people.

Kyle shivered. He felt the hairs on his back stand on end. For the first time during his adventure, he sensed fear, real fear. He was scared to death. Even so, he crawled out on the floor, out from underneath what he now knew was a bed, and he began to turn.

Slowly, slowly, he raised up his head. He raised up just enough to look over the top of the bed and into the wide open eyes of a brown-eyed boy staring back at him.

"AAAAAA! MONSTER!!!!" screamed the boy.

"AAAAAA! KID!!!!" screamed Kyle.

Quick as a flash, Kyle dove under the bed and flew through the hatch, shutting and locking it behind him. His furry, clawed feet barely touched the floor as he raced for the steps, zoomed down the steps, and out the attic door.

Kyle shut the door, ran to his room, and grabbed his blankie. That was close - too close! And it was all because he didn't listen to his dad.

From that day forward, Kyle never, ever went near the attic. He knew what was up there, and he sure wished he didn't, because when you're just a boogey boy like Kyle, there's nothing scarier than a little kid!

# Cinderdude

Once upon a time there was a really cool guy named Cinderdude. Cinderdude had a really cool mom who used to take him to monster trucks and hockey games. Unfortunately, Cinderdude's mom died, and he was forced to live with his Uncle Ricky. Uncle Ricky and his two sons, Dave and Skip, were boring compared to Cinderdude's mom. They wore sweaters and they liked to play tennis at the country club. Cinderdude didn't mind tennis, and he would have been happy to play a little himself, but Uncle Ricky kept Cinderdude busy at home cleaning house, cooking dinner, cutting the grass, and working on cars for him and his sons.

One day a messenger arrived from the king's palace with an invitation to a party. The king was having a big cookout, and all the handsome young men of the kingdom were invited. The king had a beautiful daughter named Kelsey, and the king hoped that by throwing a big bash, Kelsey would finally pick someone to be her husband and prince.

Uncle Ricky was excited. He gave Cinderdude a credit card with a five hundred dollar limit and sent him to the mall with a list of items to buy for Dave and Skip. "I want my boys to look their best for the princess," said Uncle Ricky.

"Uncle Ricky," said Cinderdude, "The invitation said all the young men of the kingdom. Doesn't that mean me too?"

"Fine, fine," said Uncle Ricky. "If there's any money left over, get yourself something decent. But not too nice, you hear? After all, the king doesn't want a servant for a son-in-law!"

Cinderdude did as he was told, but by the time he bought new sweaters, polo shirts, loafers, and cologne for his step-brothers, there was nothing left on the card. Cinderdude couldn't even afford a new T-shirt!

Cinderdude brought the clothes home. He shaved, and showered and put on his least dirty T-shirt and jeans, along with a pair of grass cutting shoes, in the hopes that Uncle Ricky would still take him. Uncle Ricky took one look at Cinderdude and laughed.

"Stay home and re-string Skip's tennis racket," said Uncle Ricky. "He has a tournament next weekend." Uncle Ricky and the boys got into their BMW and sped off, leaving Cinderdude at home.

"Well that stinks," said Cinderdude. "Sure wish I had a fairy godmother to help me out of this one."

Just then, tall, fat Italian man appeared on the lawn. He was an older man, dressed in a black suit, but he was clearly a man of great power and authority.

"Cinderdude," said the man, "I am your fairy godfather. I'm here to get you to the cookout."

"Awesome," said Cinderdude. "I don't suppose you have a Cardigan and a nice pair of loafers for me."

"You don't need none of that stuff," mumbled the fairy godfather. "You look good, trust me. But those shoes gotta go."

The fairy godfather barely made a gesture with his hand, and Cinderdude's grass cutting shoes turned into a cool pair of flip flops.

"Nice!" said Cinderdude.

"Now you're gonna need some wheels," said the fairy godfather. He made a half-gesture with his hand at a stray dog trotting down the road, and boom! The dog turned into a giant dog monster truck.

"Holy smokes," said Cinderdude. "That's awesome!"

"Now go have fun," said the fairy godfather. "But be home by midnight or the spell will break."

"Midnight?" said Cinderdude. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, that does seem a little early," said the fairy godfather. "Make it 2 AM."

Cinderdude climbed into the cab of the monster truck. He thanked his fairy godfather once more and then sped off for the palace.

Meanwhile at the bash, Princess Kelsey was having the worst night of her life. She was in her favorite jeans, T-shirt, and flip flops, and she was surrounded by guys in cardigan sweaters and loafers. Dave and Skip chased her all around the palace grounds, telling her about tennis and other things she thought were just boring. She was about to make a run for it when she heard the roar of a truck engine.

Boom! The doggy monster truck leapt over the palace wall and landed in the courtyard. Cinderdude did donuts and wheelies on the palace grounds, spraying dirt and mud over all the other young men of the kingdom, including Dave and Skip. He brought the truck to a stop and hopped out.

Princess Kelsey raced over to see the new guy. She found Cinderdude near the drink coolers, helping himself to a can of root beer. He popped the top on his drink, chugged it down - gulp! gulp! gulp! - and smashed it on his forehead.

Kelsey was madly in love.

"What's your name?" she asked.

"I'm Cinderdude," he said.

"Nice truck," she said. "Wanna take me for a ride?"

Before her father could protest, Kelsey was aboard the monster truck with Cinderdude. They rolled out of the palace and into the night, driving the monster truck over anything they could smash, including Uncle Ricky's car. They drove through mud, through fields, over hills, and even through the Taco Bell drive thru. But when 2 AM rolled around, boom! The monster truck turned back into a dog.

Cinderdude forgot all about his fairy godfather's warning. He was so embarrassed he took off running, leaving Princess Kelsey behind.

"Hey wait!" she said. She ran after him, but she could not keep up. All she could find of her mystery date was a pair of really cool flip flops he left behind.

The next day, Uncle Ricky had his car towed back to the house. Instead of junking it, Uncle Ricky ordered Cinderdude to work out the dents and rebuild the car. Cinderdude hated doing body work, but he was a good guy and did as he was told. He was out back working on the dents when he heard a commotion from inside the house. He ran inside and found Uncle Ricky, Dave, the king, and Princess Kelsey all gathered around Skip, who was wearing the really cool flip flops Cinderdude's fairy godfather gave him.

"They fit! They fit!" cried Uncle Ricky with joy. "My boy is going to be a prince!"

"But this is not the boy, Daddy!" said Kelsey. "He was a cool guy, not a sweater wearing geek!"

"What do you mean I'm a geek?" said Skip. "I'm a tennis champion!"

"Look, Kelsey," said the king. "You agreed to this. Whomever can wear the flip flops, that's the boy."

"But everyone fits in flip flops!" said Kelsey. "That's not fair!"

"Excuse me," said Cinderdude. "I think I can straighten all this out."

"You?" laughed Uncle Ricky. "Please, your majesty, pay no attention to the help."

Kelsey's eyes locked on Cinderdude's. She knew he was the one, but just to be sure, she tossed him the can of root beer she had brought along. He popped the top, chugged it down \- gulp! gulp! gulp! - and smashed it on his forehead.

"Baby!" she shouted. Kelsey leapt into Cinderdude's arms and kissed him.

Uncle Ricky couldn't believe it. Dave and Skip couldn't believe it. The king just shook his head.

"Sorry, boys," said the king. "Looks like your help is headed to the palace."

Cinderdude and Princess Kelsey were married, and on their wedding day, the fairy godfather appeared to give them a gift: a brand new monster truck. The young lovers rolled out of the palace, splashing mud all over their guests, and rode off for an exciting honeymoon filled with smashed cars and smashed root beer cans. And they lived happily ever after.

# Handsome Klaus

Once upon a time there was a handsome guy who lived in the woods in a little shack. The guy's name was Klaus, and he had lived in the little shack all his life with his Uncle Merlin. Klaus was handsome, strong and brave - though he did get a little nervous any time he saw a spider.

One day, Klaus was riding through the woods when he spotted a beautiful young girl with golden hair and blue eyes. Her name was Diana, and she was the most beautiful creature Klaus had ever seen. When Klaus saw Diana, he burst into song, singing about how he never loved anyone until that very moment. It was a bit like those Disney cartoons, except there was no backing orchestra which made it a little awkward for Diana. Nevertheless, Diana fell in love too, and the young couple danced happily in the meadow.

Klaus went home and told Uncle Merlin all about the pretty girl in the woods, but Uncle Merlin hardly listened because he had news of his own.

"I am not really your uncle," said Merlin. "I am Merlin the Wise, trusted advisor to King Claudius III. You are his son, Klaus, and tomorrow is your eighteenth birthday. It is time you travel home to meet your people."

"What?" said Klaus. "I can't leave now! I just met a girl!"

"You will meet a new girl," said Merlin. "You must marry a princess."

"No way!" shouted Klaus, who ran out of the house and leapt onto his horse's back.

"Come on, Quicksilver," said Klaus. "We're running away!"

Klaus rode his trusty horse through the woods swiftly, looking for any sign of the girl Diana. He finally found a quaint little cottage, but to his dismay, the girl was not inside. All he found was a little fairy godmother, who knew immediately this was the boy Diana had come home talking about.

"I'm so sorry, young man," said the fairy godmother. "Diana is gone. You see, she is a princess, the daughter of King Belvedere II and Queen Milena. She turns eighteen tomorrow, and she is to meet her royal subjects. I'm so sorry you two had to meet. She was very smitten with you, but she must marry a prince."

"But I am a prince!" exclaimed Klaus. "I just found out today."

"Well, why didn't you say so?" said the fairy with a smile. She waved her wand, and a magic, flying boat appeared. The two boarded the boat along with Quicksilver and set said for Diana's kingdom.

The next day, they arrived at the palace to a shocking surprise. Merlin was already there, waiting for Klaus with Klaus's father Claudius III.

"Okay, Klaus, you had your fun," said Merlin. "But it's time to go home!"

"But I want to marry Diana!" said Klaus. "She's a princess, and I'm a prince!"

"You can't marry her," said Claudius III. "I don't like her dad, and he doesn't like me."

It was then that King Belvedere II appeared at the gate. "What are you doing here, Claude?"

"It's Claudius!" shouted Claudius III. "And don't worry, we were just leaving!"

"Don't let the drawbridge hit you on the way out!" shouted Belvedere.

Just then, Diana appeared in the palace courtyard. She saw Klaus, and Klaus saw her. They ran across the yard toward each other, but just before they could embrace, Diana stopped.

"Oh, I was stung by a bee!" she said, just before she fainted into a deep sleep.

Klaus was heartbroken, but only for a few seconds, for at that very moment, he was bitten by a spider.

"Ouch!" he said, and fell into a deep sleep.

The two kings raced over to their kids and cried out, "That rotten evil fairy! Her curse has put my child into a deep sleep! What? Yours too? Stop copying everything I say! One, two, three, four, five, six, jinx! You owe me a Coke!"

The two kings realized then they had more in common than they ever knew. Both had been visited by an evil fairy named Elvira. Both of their children had been cursed that a bug bite would put them into a death-like sleep on their eighteenth birthday. Both knew the only cure was love's first kiss.

"If I may, your majesty," said the fairy godmother, "These two fell head over heels for each other yesterday. Maybe if we press their lips together, we can break both curses, right here and now!"

Belvedere II shrugged. "It's worth a try."

"Why not?" said Claudius III.

It was quite a scene, watching these two kings who hated each other trying to lift their sleeping children so they could share a sleeping kiss. Belvedere snorted at Claudius. "You're going the wrong way!"

"No, you need to go my way!" said Claudius.

"It's easier if you go this way!"

"Don't tell me what to do!"

"Do you want to break this curse or not?"

"I want to break your face!"

Finally, with a little pushing and a little luck, the lips of the young prince met the lips of the young princess. The spell was broken, and the happy couple embraced.

"Well, Claude," said Belvedere II, "Looks like we have to plan a wedding."

"Stop calling me Claude, and I'll pay for half," said Claudius III.

So the prince and princess were married, and there was joy in the kingdoms of Claudius III and Belvedere II. It was only a year later that the two kings had more to celebrate, when the prince and princess had a baby. They named the new prince Aaron, and they were so happy. But then Elvira appeared at the baby dedication.

"Hello, your majesties," said Elvira. "I'm back, and I've brought another gift."

Elvira never got to give her gift because Merlin had invented a gift of his own for Elvira, just in case she showed up. Merlin called it a bazooka. The wise man blew her into pieces, and then, finally, they all lived happily ever after.

# Jerrod, King of Mars

This story was written for my son Sam and Kindergarten class.

Once upon a time there was a little boy named Sam with a very unusual pet. His name was Jerrod, and he claimed to be the king of Mars.

Sam found Jerrod in the woods one day on a nature hike with his Dad. He was down by the creek when he spotted what appeared to be a very unusual, very peculiar toy. It was eight inches tall, covered in blue fur, and wearing a nice copper helmet. He picked up the toy and put it in his backpack to take home.

Later that evening, as Sam tried to sleep, he heard a rustling sound inside his backpack. The noise scared him in the darkness, so he rolled over to sleep and ignored it. Then in the morning, filled with curiosity, he opened the backpack.

"Surrender to me!" the blue toy shouted as it leapt out of the bag. The little creature began pummeling the boy with his fists, but the creature was so small, it hardly felt painful at all. As a matter of fact, it kind of tickled. But the little creature kept on punching Sam and screaming, "Surrender! Surrender!"

Sam laughed. "You're a funny little toy! How did you learn to do that?"

"I am Jerrod!" the blue thing screamed. "I am the king of Mars!"

Sam picked up the creature and spun him around. "Cut it out, savage! Put me down!" screamed Jerrod.

"Hmm," said Sam, "I don't see a place for batteries. How do you turn on?"

"I am the king of Mars!" said Jerrod. "Take me to your leader!"

"Okay," said Sam. So he packed Jerrod into his backpack and took him to school.

Jerrod settled down and waited, squished and uncomfortable, crammed into a backpack with three Dr. Seuss books, some crayons, and a sketch pad. He did find a yummy granola bar to munch on, the first food he had had since he crash landed his ship in the woods near Sam's house, but he was still hungry, mad, and really puzzled. For years he had watched the Earth, watched the funny people on the Earth as they played with their video games and watched their cartoons. He really though they would be easy to defeat, but it was proving much more difficult than he thought.

At show and tell time, Mrs. Milliner asked if any children had brought something to share. Sam raised his hand, and Mrs. Milliner called on him. He went to his backpack and pulled out Jerrod.

"This is Jerry, the king of cars!" he said. "I found him in the woods by my house. He asked me to take him to my leader, so here you go!"

Sam handed the toy to Mrs. Milliner. "My, what an interesting teddy bear!" she said.

"He's so cute," said Sam's classmate Teagan.

"Surrender to me!" screamed Jerrod as he punched Mrs. Milliner. "Your planet is mine!"

"How do you turn him off?" asked Mrs. Milliner.

"I don't know," said Sam. "I haven't figured that part out yet."

"Let me try!" said Keegan. Sam handed Jerrod to Keegan, but the little Martian wiggled out of the boy's hands and ran for the door.

"He's getting away!" said Lexie.

Cayden dove on top of Jerrod and tackled him. "I got him!" Cayden said.

Jerrod took off his helmet and bopped Cayden on the nose. "Ow, Grandma!" said Cayden. "I mean, Mrs. Milliner, he bopped my nose!"

Cayden let go of Jerrod, but before Jerrod could run, Brinley scooped Jerrod up into her arms.

"I got him, Sam!" she shouted.

Jerrod tried to bite Brinley, but his fuzzy teeth had no effect on her tough, human skin. Brinley threw Jerrod toward Sam, but Nathanael intercepted him.

"This is so cool!" said Nathanael. "I need a toy like this!"

"I want one for my birthday!" shouted Shelby.

Jerrod wriggled free again. He grabbed a Sharpie off Mrs. Milliner's desk and leapt onto Sydney's shoulders.

"Look out, he's got a Sharpie!" shouted Lilly.

"Everyone back off!" said Jerrod, waving the Sharpie in the air.

"Okay, Jerry," said Sam. "Put the Sharpie down."

"No!" said Jerrod. "And the name's Jerrod, king of Mars! Mmmmmmars, not cars!"

"He can't hurt anyone with a Sharpie, can he?" said Reagan.

"No," said Abigayle. "But he can write on Sydney's face."

"Maybe he'll draw a mustache on her!" said Eli.

Sydney started to cry. "I don't want a mustache!"

All the kids started chanting, "Mustache! Mustache! Mustache!"

"Now now, children," said Mrs. Eurton. "Let's be nice. If Sydney doesn't want a mustache, let's not cheer for the little toy to draw a mustache on her."

"Toy?" screamed Jerrod. "Toy? I am not a toy! I am Jerrod! I am the king of Mars! I crash landed my ship on your miserable little planet, and I am taking over yours!"

"Wow," said Jimmy. "He's an alien?"

"Do you know Yoda?" said Averie.

"What's a Yoda?" said Jerrod.

Just then Sam jumped at Sydney, spinning through the air, and delivered a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to Jerrod's face, sending him flying across the room. "AIEEEEEEE!!" screamed Jerrod, who bounced off the whiteboard and into Embry's arms.

"Awww," said Embry. "He's so fuzzy."

Mrs. Milliner picked up Jerrod and took him back to Sam's backpack. "Okay, children," she said. "It's time to do some math."

Jerrod spent the rest of the day in the backpack, sulking and stewing over his bad luck. He wanted to be the conqueror of worlds, and he really thought he could defeat these wimpy, hairless humans. Now, he just wanted to go home.

The kids, meanwhile, spent the rest of the day talking about the funny little alien. They told Mrs. Knudtson, Miss Kelly, and Mrs. Haas about Jerrod at lunch time. They even mentioned it to Father Tom when he and his dog Caesar strolled past the playground during recess. Father Tom just laughed. "Wow," he said, "You kids sure have some imagination!"

Jerrod only had one more look at the classroom at snack time, when Baileigh snuck over to give him a few Goldfish. "You must be hungry, Jerrod," she said. "Have a snack."

Jerrod decided he liked the Goldfish, and the human girl called Baileigh. "When I take over the world, I'll be extra nice to you," he said. "But no one else!"

Jerrod went home with Sam that day, and Sam talked his Dad into pulling out the old fish tank and making a home for Jerrod. Jerrod was really mad now, and he began to hatch a plan to conquer the world. This time it would work, and no roundhouse kicking ninja boy would stop him. But when Jerrod finally escaped his prison to unleash his plan on the world, Sam's other pet, Daisy the Donut Stealing Dog, saved the world when she found him and ate him.

But that's another story for another day!

# The Tick Who Went to Kindergarten

This story was written for my daughter and her Kindergarten class. Like the previous story, it all took place in Mrs. Milliner's room.

Once upon a time there was a curious tick who got his teeth stuck in a Kindergartener. The tick never intended to bite the little girl. In truth he was aiming for the squirrel hiding out in the tree where the Kindergarteners played at recess, but when recess ended, the tick found himself going inside the school for an afternoon of learning.

At first the tick was very sad to be inside. He missed the outdoors, and the little girl didn't taste nearly as delicious as squirrels do. But the tick soon found himself enjoying school. The teacher gave a lesson on bugs. The tick was surprised to learn that he was an arachnid, and he was very surprised to learn he was a close relative to spiders.

Suddenly, the tick felt some fingers scratching around him. The little girl, whose name was Lydia, called for her teacher. "Mrs Milliner, I think there's a bug in my hair!"

The teacher walked over to Lydia and saw the tick. "Hey!" she said. "Get your teeth our of Lydia's head! The tick listened, and he hopped on the desk next to Lydia.

"Wow!" said Savannah. "He's really big!"

"We should set him outside," said Wyatt.

"No, we should squish him!" shouted Paxton.

"Don't squish him!" said Lauren. "Maybe he wants to learn!"

"I would like that very much," said the tick.

The kids all gasped in surprise. "He can talk!" said Claire.

"Yes, and I'm very sorry for not speaking up sooner," said the tick. "I had a little girl stuck in my teeth."

The kids all laughed at the tick. "Let's give him a name," said Ethan.

Emmalee said, "I think we should call him Bob."

"No, let's name him Bill," said Sydney. "That's my daddy's name."

"How about George Washington?" said Henry.

"Why don't we let him decide?" said Lucas.

"Hmm," said the tick. "You know, I kind of like the name Bob. Yes, I will be Bob."

The kids all cheered, and the teacher told them to get back to their desks. Bob the tick enjoyed Kindergarten very much. He loved when the teacher read a story, and he loved hearing the kids giggle at the funny parts. But when the teacher started asking review questions, Bob didn't do so well.

"What's two plus two?" said the teacher.

"Brown!" said Bob.

"Who was the first president of the United States?" said the teacher.

"Taco Supreme!" said Bob.

"What's the capital of Indiana?" asked the teacher.

"Chuck E. Cheese!" said Bob.

The kids all giggled when Bob gave answers, but poor Bob was very sad. He realized Kindergarten was for kids and not ticks, and he decided he better find a way to go back outside.

Just as he was about to leave, the teacher moved to the next activity. "It's time to practice our Spider-Man play," said Mrs. Milliner. "Brent, you will be Peter Parker. Julianna, you will be Mary Jane. Ethan, you can be Dr. Octopus. And Will, you get to be the Green Goblin."

"Mrs. Milliner?" said Lydia. "Who's going to play the spider that gives Peter his spider powers?"

Everyone looked around the room. No one among them looked anything like a spider. That's when Bob spoke up.

"You know," he said, "I just found out that I am an arachnid, and I am a close relative to the spider!"

"Yes!" shouted Kaylie. "Let Bob play the spider!"

The kids practiced their play, and just before the end of the day, they put the play on for the rest of the school. All of the kids cheered. They were impressed by the whole cast, but they were especially thrilled by the performance of Bob the tick as the spider.

"Great job, Bob!" said all the kids.

"Come back when we do Star Wars," said Colton. "You can play Yoda!"

When school ended, Bob said goodbye to all his new friends. He went back outside, for that is where ticks belong, and watched the kids leave. "Well," said Bob. "That was an adventure. I bet I never have another day more exciting than this."

The next day, Bob did have a more exciting adventure when he got his teeth stuck in an armadillo. But that's another story, for another day.

# The Chocolate Cow

Once upon a time, there was a little farm boy named Jake who had a magic cow: a cow that could give chocolate milk. Don't ask me where the cow came from or how it was even possible. All I know is the cow could give chocolate milk any time Jake wanted it.

And that's not all the cow could do! Jake gave her hot water to drink, she gave hot chocolate. And if he gave her ice, she gave chocolate milkshakes! She really was an amazing cow, and Jake knew she was something special.

Jake felt like he was given this cow for a reason. He wanted to share the cow's milk with the most important person Earth. Jake thought and though, trying to decide who that person might be. He finally decided on the old wise man who lived in the village, the man everyone went to see when they needed advice. Jake poured some chocolate milk in a thermos and set off for town.

Jake found the old wise man in his house. He told the old wise man about the cow, and he offered him a drink. The wise man grinned when he heard Jake's story.

"Well aren't you a thoughtful boy?" said the old wise man. "Very thoughtful indeed."

"Here, try some," said Jake, offering the old wise man the thermos.

The old wise man took the thermos and gave it a whiff. "Smells heavenly. I'd love to try some, but before I sip any of that chocolate milk, I need you to do something for me. I need you to go to Mt. Doom."

"Mt. Doom?" said Jake, suddenly full of fear. Mt. Doom was the most frightening place in the whole world, a dark and terrifying mountain full of monsters. "Why do I need to go to Mt. Doom? Aren't there scary monsters on Mt. Doom?"

"Oh yes!" said the old wise man. "Yes there are, and lots of them. But you don't have to go up Mt. Doom. Just go to the little convenience store at the bottom of the hill."

"Oh," said Jake, feeling a little better. "Why do I need to go there?"

"To get a straw, of course," said the wise old man. "I can't drink chocolate milk without a straw."

Jake set off through town on his way to the convenience store at Mt. Doom, taking the winding road that leads out to the woods and finally to the mountain's edge. He hadn't even reached the edge of the village when he ran into an old widow.

"Pardon me, dearie," said the old lady, "But could you spare a drink for an old woman?"

The old woman was wrinkled with white hair and walked on a cane. She was very old, and very frail, but still had a twinkle in her eye. Jake didn't want to share the chocolate milk because he wanted the most important man in the world to have it, but he figured it wouldn't hurt to share a little.

"Here you go," said Jake.

The widow drank some of the milk and handed the thermos back. "Thank you, so kindly!" she said, and went on her way.

Jake continued on his way, too. He was half way through the woods when he encountered another person, a small orphan who was only about six years old.

The orphan said, "Please, sir, could you spare some change so I may get a drink?"

Jake sighed. "I don't have any change, but if you want a sip, you have some chocolate milk."

The orphan gleefully took a drink of the chocolate milk. He thanked Jake very kindly and sped off into the woods.

Jake finally reached the convenience story at the foot of Mt. Doom. He went in to get a straw and was very glad to get out of there and be back on his way without any encounters with monsters. He hustled back through the woods and reached the edge of town where he met a hurting, crippled man hobbling on a pair of crutches.

"Pardon me, sir," said the hurting man. "Could you spare a drink for a poor, ailing man?"

Jake gave the man the thermos and he took a drink. He thanked Jake very kindly and was off. But when Jake took the thermos back and looked inside, he was horrified.

"Oh no!" Jake cried. "He drank the last of it!"

Jake thought about racing out to the farm to get some more, but before he could leave for home, he ran into the old wise man.

"Well, there you are," said the old wise man. "Did you get my straw?"

"Yes," said Jake. "But all the chocolate milk is gone."

"What?" said the old wise man. "How did that happen?"

Jake told the old wise man about the widow. He told him about the orphan and the hurting man. He apologized to the old wise man and said he was very sorry, but instead of getting angry, the old wise man smiled.

"Don't be sorry, my boy! You did wonderfully!" said the old wise man.

Jake was surprised. "I did?"

"When you shared your chocolate milk with those who were in need, you shared it with the most important people in the world. I'm very proud of you, and you should be proud too."

Jake was overjoyed. He thought sure the old wise man would have been angry with him, but it turned out sharing his milk with the most important people was the wise man's plan all along.

Jake returned home a wiser young man, having learned that the most important man in the world isn't the wisest or the richest. The most important person in the world is the one right in front of you who needs a little love. He gave his prized cow a few ice cubes and celebrated his good day with a cold, frothy chocolate milkshake.

# The Honest Monkey

Once upon a time there was a monkey named Arthur who never told a lie. Arthur was honest and true. Many in the jungle knew him as a trustworthy creature, but not everyone in the jungle was happy with Arthur's honest ways.

Jerry the Jaguar was one of the animals who did not like Arthur. One day, Arthur was at the water hole, talking to Jerry's girlfriend, Jeannette the Jaguar.

"Jerry says I have the prettiest spots in the whole jungle," said Jeannette.

"Really?" said Arthur. "Do you know he said the same thing to Cathy the Cheetah?"

Jeannette did not know Jerry had said this to Cathy the Cheetah. Jeannette became very angry, and she broke up with Jerry. Jerry became very angry with Arthur.

Rhonda the Rhino also did not like Arthur. One day, Rhonda found Hank the Hippo's favorite grassy spot beside the river. Hank loved that spot so much and he spent so much time resting there, the grass had grown in a way that it fit Hank like a glove. But when Rhonda laid down on Hank's spot, she completely messed it up.

"Who messed up my sleepy spot?" yelled Hank.

"Rhonda the Rhino," said Arthur.

"Thank you, Arthur," said Hank. "You're a good friend."

Rhonda didn't think Arthur was a good friend at all. She was mad that Arthur told on her.

And then there was Gary the Giraffe. Gary was enjoying some leaves off Arthur's favorite tree one day with Glen the Giraffe when the two of them smelled something a little stinky rising from the jungle floor.

"Wasn't me," said Gary.

"Wasn't me," said Glen.

"It was Gary," said Arthur.

Gary was very mad at Arthur.

One day, word got around that Ted the Cross-eyed Tiger was headed into Arthur's part of the jungle. Most of the animals ran for their lives when they heard about Ted, but Rhonda, Gary, and Jerry saw an opportunity for a little payback.

"Let's introduce Arthur to Ted!" said Rhonda.

"If Arthur meets Ted, he'll tell Ted he has crossed eyes!" said Jerry. "Ted will eat him!"

"I'm okay with that," said Gary.

Rhonda, Jerry, and Gary found Arthur sitting in his favorite tree. Gary poked the monkey out of the tree onto Rhonda's back, and the three animals raced to the water hole, where Ted the Cross-eyed Tiger was enjoying a drink.

"Yoo hoo! Ted!" said Rhonda. "Say hello to your new buddy, Arthur!"

Rhonda slung Arthur off her back, and the monkey skidded to a halt at Ted's feet. Ted looked at Arthur with his crossed eyes and snorted.

"Go on, Arthur," said Gary with a laugh. "Tell Ted what you think of him!"

"Well, monkey?" growled Ted. "What do you think of me?"

Arthur sighed. "I feel sorry for you."

"And why is that?" said Ted.

"Because you have bad friends," said Arthur.

Ted leaned back. He wasn't expecting that. "What do you mean I have bad friends?"

"Rhonda, Jerry, and Gary are just pretending to be your friends," said Arthur. "They don't want to be friends. They sent me out here so I would say something to hurt your feelings."

"Is that so?" said Ted.

"Yes it is," said Arthur. "They want you to eat me."

"Sounds like they're bad friends to you, too," said Ted, getting angry. "Maybe I better go talk to them."

Ted strolled into the trees, following the sound of laughter until he found Rhonda, Gary, and Jerry. Before they knew he was there, Ted jumped on them and beat them all up. He gave Rhonda a black eye and broken tail. He ripped some spots off Jerry. And because beating animals up made him hungry, he ate Gary right up to the horns on his head. As Rhonda and Jerry limped off into the jungle, Ted talked back to Arthur.

"Thank you, monkey," said Arthur.

"Thank you, Ted," said Arthur.

"You're a good guy," said Ted. "Sometimes it's hard to see who your true friends are."

"I bet it is," said Arthur. "Especially with your crossed eyes!!"

# The Wrong Foot

Once upon a time there was a handsome prince with a glass slipper and an entourage. The entourage was a gift from his father, a present for his eighteenth birthday. He, like so many other princes in this world, had a group of four buddies to ride with him, tell jokes to him, and take an arrow for him. Not in the chest, or course, but the arm or the leg, in the event someone shot an arrow at him.

The glass slipper, on the other hand, was a memento of an unforgettable night. It was the night of his twenty-first birthday, and his father held a ball to find the prince a bride. The prince was of the marrying age, and the king invited every young lady of marrying age to the palace.

As you might have already guessed, a young chambermaid named Cinderella attended the ball. Cinderella was too poor to afford a dress of her own, and her wicked boss, who was also her wicked step-mother, had forbid her from attending the ball, lest she take attention away from her hideously obnoxious step-sisters.

Of course Cinderella had an ace in the hole even she didn't know about: a fairy godmother. It was she who supplied the dress, the carriage, and the glass slippers that helped Cinderella win the prince's heart. It was a love story straight out of, well, a fairy tale.

Except for one problem. Cinderella for a size six and a half and three quarters shoe. That's an odd size for a shoe, mind you, but the prince, in his blind search for love, never bothered to consider that there might be another young damsel in the kingdom who wore the same size shoe!

Alas, the day after the ball, the Prince decided to start his search on the west side of town, where lived a kindly miller and his daughter. The miller was a poor man who had scraped just enough money together to buy his daughter a dress for the ball, but his daughter Rosa hung to the back of the room and did everything she could to dodge the prince. You see, Rosa's heart already belonged to Myron the Ninja, a stranger from the East who lived in the dunes near the dragon caves. Her father didn't approve of this romance, of course, for no man wants his daughter to endure the hardships that come with marrying a ninja. Yet Rosa remained steadfast in her love for Myron and trusted that one day her father would see reason and consent.

When the prince came to the door, the miller was shocked and surprised to see him and his entourage outside. He invited them in, poured coffee for them all - except Penrod the Leftie, who took tea - and called for Rosa.

"Rosa, my dear," said the miller. "The prince has chosen a bride!"

"Congratulations," she said to the prince, puzzled why he had chosen her father's house to make his announcement. "Who is she?"

The prince held aloft the shoe. "The lady whose foot fits this slipper!"

Rosa felt the butterflies stir in her stomach. Although she had not so much as made eye contact with the prince the night before, but a girl who wears an odd size shoe knows the perfect fit when she sees one. Rosa knew the glass slipper had to be six and a half and three quarters, and she was determined not to try it on.

"I wish you good luck, my prince," she said. "But that is not my shoe."

"I beg of you, dear lady," he said. "Please try it on."

"Please, my prince," she pleaded. "Please believe me that is not my shoe. I went to the ball, and I wore a simple pair of black pumps. We never even had a dance together."

"As your prince, I command it," he said.

"Harumph!" said the prince's entourage.

"Go on, dear," said her father. "The prince commands it."

Rosa steeled herself for the inevitable. She whispered a silent prayer that the shoe would not fit, but when it slid perfectly into the glass six and a half and three quarters slipper, the prince whooped for joy!

"I found her! I found her!" he cried. "My bride!"

"Hoo-Rah!" shouted the entourage.

"I don't believe it," said the miller. "My dear Rosa, a princess!"

"Father, please," said Rosa. "Do not let him take me to the palace! This is not my slipper. It's just a coincidence! Please believe me, my heart belongs to another!"

"Load her on my steed," said the prince. "Away to the palace with her!"

Rosa continued to beg and plead, but the prince and his entourage ignored her. They carried her to the prince's white horse and led her back to the palace.

"Make way for the princess!" shouted the entourage.

"Long live the princess!" shouted the people.

"Myron is going to be so mad at me," said Rosa to herself.

That evening, another gala took place in the palace hall. The prince and princess were presented to all the lords and ladies of the court. Rosa continued to protest to anyone who would listen, but no one seemed to hear her warnings. During a dance with the king, she told his highness: "My boyfriend is a ninja."

"Who, my son?" the king laughed. "He couldn't sneak up on a deaf mule!"

During a dance with the prince, she said, "My boyfriend is coming for me. He will rescue me."

"I already have," said the prince.

During a dance with Penrod the Leftie, she said, "You're all dead. You know that, right?"

Penrod just grinned. "The prince is a lucky man."

"No," said Rosa. "He really isn't."

The wedding was scheduled for the next morning. A flock of servants escorted Rosa to the tall tower to spend her last evening as a single girl, while the prince and his entourage went to the kitchen to drink mead and make merry. In the middle of their merry-making, they were surprised when a samurai sword flew in the window and buried itself in a cabinet door with a note attached.

"What is that?" said the prince.

Penrod grabbed the note and read it aloud. "'Release the princess immediately, and no harm will come to you. Signed, the Ninja.'"

"Ninja?" said the prince. "What's a ninja?"

"I do not know, my lord," said Penrod.

The prince turned to another of his fellows. "Hercule, is this your doing?"

But Hercule was not there. His cup of mead lay on the floor, spilling its contents on the cobblestones, but the man himself had vanished.

"Where's Hercule?" said the prince. "He was just here. Demetrius, did you see where Hercule went?"

The prince did a double take. Demetrius had been leaning against a sack of grain, but now he too was gone.

"Good grief, Demetrius gone too?" said the Prince.

"Yes, my lord," said Penrod. "And also Dave."

The prince looked over toward the dish washing station, where only seconds ago, the strangely named Dave had been enjoying his mug of mead. He was gone, vanished, without a trace. The prince turned to affirm this to Penrod, only to discover that he, too, was no missing.

The prince was a little amused and a little nervous. "Come on, fellas, this isn't funny!"

That was when the prince heard a voice coming from the shadows. "A size six and a half and three quarters shoe is rare, but not so rare that only one maid in the kingdom wears it."

"Who said that?" said the prince. "Show yourself!"

"Boo."

The prince turned and saw a shadowy figure in a black mask. His black-gloved hand came up, and a strange red powder shot straight up the prince's nose. The prince's eyes shut and he fell into a deep sleep.

"Sleep tight, prince," said the ninja.

The next morning, before the sun even rose, the kitchen staff found the prince and his entourage stacked in a storage closet. The prince and his friends told the guards about the mysterious figure in black, and immediately a squad was sent up to the high tower. They found the servant girls stacked neatly on the floor, but Rosa was gone.

The guards returned to the kitchen to deliver the news. The prince took it hard, but his spirits lifted slightly when he read the slip of paper that was left in Rosa's bed. It was a past due invoice from a cobbler's shop for a pair of size six and a half and three quarter house slippers, sold to an old widow woman on the east side of town. You can probably guess who the old widow woman was and whose house shoes they were.

Meanwhile, Myron carried Rosa off to a nearby cottage, where they found a kindly old priest who consented to marry them. The miller was furious that his daughter had eloped with a ninja, but a few months later, he welcomed his son-in-law home with open arms. You see, the cobbler was not the only one owed money by Cinderella's wicked step-mother. One night, the old bag and her wicked step-sisters mysteriously vanished without a trace. The next day, the miller, the cobbler, and several other merchants had the money they were owed while a certain dragon down in the dunes slept on a very full stomach. The skillful ninja gained pardon not only from the miller, but a grateful prince who never liked his mother-in-law anyway.

And then, as they say, they all lived happily ever after.

# Sam's New Friend

One fine afternoon, Mom was working in her office when Sam came running in the house.

"Mommy, Mommy! I just made a new friend!"

"You did?" said Mom. "Who is he?"

"His name is Bleebo, and he's an alien!!"

"That's nice, dear," said Mom.

"I'm gonna go back outside and play with him," said the five year old.

"Okay, have fun," said Mom.

Sam ran back outside. About ten minutes later, Sam ran back in the house.

"Mom! Guess what? Bleebo and I are playing ice hockey!!"

"You are?" said Mom.

"Bleebo is a fan of hockey," said Sam. "He made an ice rink out back with his freeze ray, and we are playing hockey on the ice!"

"Well be careful," said Mom, who loved her son's imagination.

"I'm gonna go play hockey with Bleebo now," said Sam. He ran back outside to play.

A short while later, Mom heard Sam come in the kitchen. She walked into the kitchen to refill her coffee and saw Sam filling two cups of water.

"Bleebo is thirsty, and so am I," said Sam. "I'm getting us both some water."

"Well aren't you nice?" said Mom. "Just remember to bring both cups back inside."

"Okay, Mom," said Sam. He started for the door and then turned around. "Mom, did you know Bleebo is a space ranger?"

"No, I didn't know that," said Mom.

"He's here to catch a bad guy and save the world!" said Sam. He turned and ran out the door.

Mom thought about looking in the backyard, just to see what was really going on. Instead, she went back to her office and her emails.

An hour later, Sam ran back in the house, jumping up and down with excitement.

"MOM!" screamed Sam. "Mom, you won't believe this! A big alien guy just landed in the backyard! He got into a fight with Bleebo, and guess what??"

"What?" said Mom.

"Bleebo shot him!" said Sam. "He saved the world! He's gonna take him to space jail, and he's gonna let me ride with him!"

"Oh boy," said Mom. "Make sure you wear your seatbelt."

"Bleebo says I won't need a seatbelt," said Sam. "His ship is very safe."

"Well, be careful," said Mom as Sam raced out again.

It was barely a few minutes later that Sam returned.

"I got to go on a space ride!!" shouted Sam as he raced into the office.

"You did?" said Mom. "Where did you go?"

"We flew around the moon, and Mars, and Jupiter, and Saturn. And do you know what? Saturn has rings around it!!"

"It does?" said Mom.

"It was totally awesome!" shouted Sam as he raced back outside.

Mom shook her head. "This is all his father's fault," she thought. "Always showing him those silly space movies."

Speaking of Sam's father, it was just at that moment that he pulled into the driveway and saw the terrible mess in the backyard. Sam waited patiently on the deck until the car was off. Soon as the driver's door opened, he ran to his father, excited to tell him about his day.

"Dad! Dad!" shouted Sam.

"Sam, what did you do?" said Dad. "The backyard is a wreck!"

"Dad, there was this alien guy, and he was a space ranger, and we played ice hockey, and there was this other alien guy who was ugly, and then--"

"Sam, clean up your mess and get in the house," said Dad. "I brought pizza home for dinner."

"But Dad!" said Sam.

"You can tell me about your day after you clean up," said Dad, grabbing the pizzas. "Sounds like a great adventure."

Dad went into the house. Sam looked around the backyard. He was just about to start crying when a silver spaceship landed, and a blue-suited space ranger emerged.

"Hey Sam, I am so sorry," said Bleebo. "I forgot to clean up my mess. That was very rude of me, and not being a good playmate."

Bleebo turned and waved his silver-gloved hand over the yard. The trees righted themselves, the water from the melted ice rink dried up, and everything was put back in place, good as new!

"Thank you!" said Sam.

"Thank you for a fun day," said Bleebo. "And sorry again about the mess."

"It's okay," said Sam. "Come back any time!"

"I will," said Bleebo.

Bleebo got back in his ship and returned to space, and Sam went in to wash up, so excited to tell his Dad all about the aliens!

# Three Wolves

Once upon a time there were three wolves who lived at the edge of a deep, dark wood. The first wolf built his house out of straw. The second built his house out of sticks. And the third wolf built his house our of bricks.

They were very happy wolves who got along with everybody, and everything was just great. Then one day, Big Fat Greedy Pig came to town. Big Fat Greedy Pig was big and fat and smelly. He was also the richest creature in the forest. He burst out of the woods one day and pounded on the door of the house made of straw.

"Who is it?" said the wolf.

"It's Big Fat Greedy Pig," said the pig. "And I wanna buy your house!"

"It's not for sale," said the wolf.

"Everybody has a price!" shouted the pig. "Sell me your house!"

"Why?" asked the wolf.

"Because I wanna build a mini-mall," said Big Fat Greedy Pig, "With a nail salon, a frozen yogurt place, and a Mexican restaurant."

"I'm sorry," said the wolf. "The house isn't for sale."

Big Fat Greedy Pig didn't know how to take no for an answer, so he pulled out a Louisville Slugger and smashed the house of straw to bits. The wolf was scared, and he ran off to the house of sticks to live with his brother. Big Fat Greedy Pig brought in his bull dozers and cranes, and he built a mini-mall, complete with a nail salon, a frozen yogurt place, and a Mexican restaurant.

The two wolves settled in together in the house of sticks, and after a while, they got back to being happy. But one day, Big Greed Pig showed up at the door.

"Who is it?" said the second wolf.

"It's Big Fat Greedy Pig," said the pig. "And I wanna buy your house!"

"It's not for sale," said the wolf.

"Everybody has a price!" shouted the pig. "Sell me your house!"

"Why?" asked the wolf.

"Because I wanna build a movie theater," said Big Fat Greedy Pig, "A big cineplex with sixteen screens, over-priced popcorn, and 3-D!"

"I'm sorry," said the wolf. "The house isn't for sale."

Big Fat Greedy Pig didn't know how to take no for an answer, so he pulled out a Louisville Slugger and smashed the house of sticks to bits. The wolves were scared, and they ran off to the house of bricks to live with their other brother. Big Fat Greedy Pig brought in his bull dozers and cranes, and he built a big cineplex with sixteen screens, over-priced popcorn, and 3-D.

The three wolves settled in together, and after a while, they got back to being happy. But then, just as before, Big Fat Greedy Pig showed up at the door.

"Who is it?" said the third wolf.

"It's Big Fat Greedy Pig," said the pig. "And I wanna buy your house!"

"It's not for sale," said the wolf.

"Everybody has a price!" shouted the pig. "Sell me your house!"

"Why?" asked the wolf.

"Because I wanna build an Olive Garden," said Big Fat Greedy Pig,

"You better sell to him," said the first wolf. "Or else he'll smash your house down!"

"Sell it to him," said the second wolf. "We need an Olive Garden anyway."

The third wolf just grinned. "Guys, you're forgetting something. Something very important."

The first and second wolf looked at each other puzzled. "What's that?"

"We're wolves!" said the third wolf. "And wolves don't eat at Olive Garden!"

Now the second wolf grinned. "He's right," said the second wolf. "We eat pigs!"

The third wolf opened the door just as Big Fat Greedy Pig was reaching for his Louisville Slugger. "Big Fat Greedy Pig," said the wolf, "I am terribly sorry to keep you waiting. Please, come in. Let's discuss this over dinner."

"Well," said Big Fat Greedy Pig, "That's more like it!"

No one ever saw Big Fat Greedy Pig again. The brick house is still there, and the people at the edge of the wood are still waiting for the Olive Garden to go in beside the cineplex and the mini-mall. No one every figured out what happened to Big Fat Greedy Pig, but for weeks after he disappeared, people who went to the movies, the nail salon, the frozen yogurt place and the Mexican restaurant said they could smell bacon cooking somewhere near the edge of the forest.

# A Hillbilly Christmas Story

Twas the night before Christmas, and out in the swamp, Cletus and Billy were not sleeping. Why should they? They were naughty boys. Always had been. They knew they were getting nothing for Christmas, and they were out doing what they do best: bad stuff.

"Betcha I can hit that squirrel in that tree with this rock," said Cletus in his red flannel shirt, Caterpillar hat, and blue jeans.

"Betcha you cain't!" said Billy.

"Betcha I can!"

"Betcha you cain't!"

"Betcha I can!"

"Betcha you cain't!"

"Okay watch this," said Cletus.

Cletus wound up and threw that rock as hard as he could. BAP! He hit that squirrel right between the eyes, sending him crashing to the ground, where little stars and birdies danced around his poor, broken head.

"That's baby stuff," said Billy, who looked every bit as hillbilly as Cletus in his John Deere T-shirt, overalls, and straw hat. Billy found himself a nice, round rock and looked up in the trees.

"Betcha I can hit that squirrel way up yonder in that bigger tree!"

"Betcha you cain't!" said Cletus.

"Betcha I can!"

"Betcha you cain't!"

"Betcha I can!"

"Betcha you cain't!"

"Okay watch this," said Billy. He wound up like an old time baseball pitcher and hurled that rock way up in the tall tree. OOF! He nailed the squirrel right in the gut, sending him spinning to the ground with a tiny thud, where little stars and birdies danced around his poor, broken head.

"That ain't nothin'," said Cletus. He cast his eyes up in the sky and spotted an old buzzard, who had slowed his flight to take a closer look at the two wounded squirrels for himself.

"Betcha I can hit that there buzzard!" said Cletus.

"Betcha you cain't!" said Billy.

"Betcha I can!"

"Betcha you cain't!"

"Betcha I can!"

"Betcha you cain't!"

"Okay watch this," said Cletus. Cletus picked up an oblong rock, took two steps back, cocked his arm like Brett Favre, and hurled a rocket into the sky. BAM! He socked that buzzard right on the end of his beak, sending him spiraling out of control like a downed fighter plane. The buzzard crashed face first into the dirt, where little stars and birdies danced around his poor, broken head.

"Huh!" said Billy. "You think that's tough? Watch me hit that bird way, way, way up in the sky!"

Cletus looked up and spotted the long, dark shape flying across the starry night. Cletus shook his head in disbelief.

"Betcha you cain't!" said Cletus.

"Betcha I can!"

"Betcha you cain't!"

"Betcha I can!"

"Betcha you cain't!"

"Okay watch this," said Billy. Billy stuck a finger in his mouth and held it high, testing the wind. He looked around and found a nice, round rock that fit perfectly in his hand. He looked up in the sky, wound up, aimed, and fired.

Up, up, up, the rock flew until POW! Direct hit! The boys could hear the thing falling out of the sky before they could see it, crying out, "Ho ho NOOOOOO!!!"

SPLAT! A crater appeared in the ground ten feet from where the boys stood. They walked to the edge, looked down, and saw a jolly old elf in a red suit with a big belly and a white beard. His eyes were crossed, and a flock of little stars and birdies danced around his poor, broken head.

"Oh man!" said Cletus. "Now you gone and done it! You knocked out Santa!"

No I didn't!" said Billy.

"Yes you did!"

"No I didn't!"

"Yes you did!"

"No I didn't!"

"Then what are they doin' here?"

Cletus pointed across the crater, where a miniature sleigh and nine tiny reindeer had just come in for a landing. The lead reindeer glared at the boys with a nose that glowed bright red, striking fear in Cletus's heart.

"I think ol' Rudolph is mad at us!"

"So?" said Billy, trying not to be terrified. "What's he gonna do?"

"He's gonna shoot you with his laser gun nose!" said Cletus.

"That ain't no laser gun nose," said Billy.

"Yes it is!" said Cletus.

"No it ain't!"

"Yes it is!"

"No it ain't!"

ZAP! A red laser bolt blasted out of Rudolph's nose, knocking Billy flat on his back. Billy shook his head and staggered back to his feet. "Dadgum, it is a laser gun nose!"

Cletus scratched his head. "Poor Santa. You socked him right in the head."

"Yeah," said Billy. "What are we gonna do?"

As Cletus looked up at the reindeer, he saw Rudolph tip his head, nodding toward the sleigh. Suddenly, Cletus had an idea. He tossed his Caterpillar hat, ran to the sleigh, put Santa's hat on his head and hopped in the seat.

"Check it out, Billy," said Cletus. "I'm Santa Claus!"

"You cain't be Santa Claus!" shouted Billy.

"Betcha I can!"

"Betcha you cain't!"

"Betcha I can!"

"Betcha you cain't!"

"Betcha I can!"

"Betcha you cain't!"

"Okay watch this," said Cletus, taking hold of the reigns.

"Whoa, wait for me!" Billy raced around the crater and hopped on the sleigh. "I gotta see this up close!"

"All right!" said Cletus, "Here we go!" He cracked the reigns, and the reindeer took off like a shot, rocketing into the sky. Cletus and Billy let out a big "YEEEEE HAAAA!" as their little swamp disappeared beneath them. The sleigh flew across the stars, heading towards the nearest town and finally zeroing in on a quiet neighborhood filled with children all nestled in their beds.

The reindeer paws landed lightly on a rooftop and came to a halt. Rudolph turned and gave Cletus another nod.

"What's he sayin' now?" said Billy.

"I think he wants me to do Santa's job and deliver some toys," said Cletus.

"You can't do that!" said Billy.

"Betcha I can!"

"Betcha you cain't!"

"Betcha I can!"

"Betcha you cain't!"

"Okay watch this," said Cletus. Cletus reached into Santa's bag and magically pulled out three packages with the name "Darby" written on them. He hopped off the sleigh and tiptoed across the shingles to the chimney. Slowly, he lifted one leg and then the other over the lip of the chimney. He pushed off the edge and slid straight down, landing in a heap on the hearth.

Cletus got to his feet and looked around. It was a lovely home, lit by the warm glow of the Christmas tree surrounded by gifts. He spotted a plate of cookies and milk on a small table by the couch, where a little blonde-haired girl lay, staring up at him with her big, blue eyes.

"Santa?" she said.

"Huh??" said Cletus. "Oh yeah, uh, ho ho ho there. I'm Santa. You must be Darby."

Darby sat up and gave Cletus a puzzled look. "Santa, what happened to your beard?"

"Oh, I, uh, shaved it off," said Cletus. "Mrs. Claus said it was too itchy when I smooched her."

"And how come you're all skinny?"

Cletus looked down at his flat little belly. "I been exercisin'," he said.

"What kind of exercise?" asked Darby.

"Gator rasslin'," said Cletus. He set the presents by the tree and tipped his hat. "Merry Christmas, Darby."

"Santa," said Darby. "Don't forget your cookies and milk!"

"Oh yeah!" Cletus downed the cookies and milk, wiping the milk mustache off with his arm. He walked back to the chimney and paused, scratching his head.

"Dadgum, how do I get back up there?"

"You put your finger beside your nose," said Darby. "Just like the poem."

Cletus must have misheard her because instead of sticking his finger beside his nose, he stuck his finger right up his nose. Lucky for Cletus, it had the same effect. Cletus magically flew up the chimney, bouncing up in the air and landing in the sleigh.

"Wow," said Cletus. "That was awesome!"

"I bet I can do it better than you," said Billy.

"Betcha you cain't!" said Cletus.

"Betcha I can!"

"Betcha you cain't!"

"Betcha I can!"

"Betcha you cain't!"

Rudolph and the reindeer didn't wait for the argument to end. They had toys to deliver, and they quickly dashed from one rooftop to the next. Billy reached into the bag and pulled out three more presents with the name "Wyatt" written on their tags. He grabbed the Santa hat off Cletus's head and hopped off the sleigh.

"Okay, watch this," he said.

Billy hopped down the chimney and deposited the presents right beside the tree. There were no little faces watching him, but there was a plate of cookies and a glass of milk. Billy downed his treat and walked back to the chimney, where he too wondered how he was supposed to get back up.

"Hey Cletus," he shouted up the chimney. "How do I get back up?"

"You gotta pick your nose!" yelled Cletus.

Billy jammed his finger up his nose, and sure enough, he flew up the chimney and into the sleigh.

"Dadgum," said Billy. "I never knew Santa was a nose picker!"

The reindeer flew on, and Cletus and Billy took turns playing Santa. On they went, from house to house, from chimney to chimney, from "Bet you cain't!" to "Bet I can!" They went to Sam and Lydia's house, Naomi and Ian's house, Riley and Katie's house, Dorothy and Maggie's house. They visited eleventy billion houses, delivered eleventy billion packages, ate eleventy billion cookies, and drank eleventy billion glasses of milk. Yes, dear reader, they even went to your house, and if I were you, I'd throw away the plate and glass rather than wash them!

Finally, after a long night of gift giving, the sleigh brought the boys home to the swamp, where they found Santa, the buzzard, and the two squirrels sitting on their front porch sipping egg nog.

"Ho ho ho," said Santa. "Welcome home."

"Dadgum," said Cletus. "We are in so much trouble!"

"No no no," said Santa. "You boys did some bad things, but when you realized your mistake, you made it right. Do you realize you just delivered presents to eleventy billion kids around the world?"

"Betcha we didn't," said Billy.

"Betcha you did," said Santa.

"Betcha--"

Cletus put a hand over Billy's mouth. "Don't argue with Santa." Billy nodded, and Cletus moved his hand.

"Boys, you've been naughty for a long time," said Santa. "You were hall of fame naughty. But tonight, you saved Christmas. I can't think of a nicer thing a person could do."

Santa hopped off the porch. He took his hat back from Cletus and climbed aboard the sleigh.

"Yes, sir," said Santa. "You boys did a nice thing. So I left a little something nice for you behind the barn."

Santa cracked his whip. Off he sped into the night, with his reindeer team in the lead. The boys watched him until he was gone.

"He left us something?" said Billy.

"You don't suppose..." said Cletus.

The boys ran behind the barn. There, they found the best Christmas present a pair of rotten rednecks could ever ask for - a mint condition 1977 Pontiac Trans Am Firebird in black with the vanity license plate "BANONE" on the back!

"Cletus!" shouted Billy. "It's the Bandit car! Santa gave us the Bandit car!"

"I don't believe it!" said Cletus. "He left us the Bandit car!"

Billy grinned. "Betcha next Christmas we can get us a General Lee if we knock Santa out of the sky again."

Cletus shook his head. "Betcha we won't."

"Betcha--" Billy stopped, and for the first time in his life, he thought before he spoke. "Yeah, we better not chance it."

# A Honey Badger on Noah's Ark

The following writings were found in a cave near the peak once known as Mt. Ararat. It was found alongside a scroll purported to be the ship's log from Noah's Ark, written by Noah himself. The actual Noah scroll, as it came to be known, was too rotted from years of sitting in the cave to be read. What follows may be the only written record of what life was like aboard Noah's Ark.

DAY ONE

Mildred and I arrived at the boat today. After waiting six hours, they finally brought us on board and gave us our pen. It's not much, just a wood floor and some hay, but we do have a window. There's a wildebeest couple in the pen next to us, and across the way is a tiger couple. I'm sure we'll all get along great.

DAY TWO

Learned how to play shuffleboard on the top deck. What a cool game!

DAY FOUR

Shuffleboard was called off due to something called rain. I've never seen rain before, but Noah, the captain, said the rain is water falling from the sky. Been falling all day. Might take in a game of poker with the lions later, if Mildred is up to it.

DAY EIGHT

It's still raining, and the water outside is rising very fast. Cards was fun last night until the leopard started to cheat. I don't think we'll be inviting him when we start the poker tournament this weekend.

DAY FIFTEEN

Still raining!! Noah says it's going to last a while. Going a little crazy down here on Deck E. The lions and leopards got into it when we told the leopards they couldn't be in the poker tournament. I beat the wildebeest to move to round two. I get the idea he lost on purpose because he was afraid of me. Sometimes it's good to have a bad reputation.

DAY NINETEEN

Still raining! And someone told me there are cobras on board. Not sure where they are, but I am DYING for some good cobra.

DAY TWENTY

More rain. The good news is I beat tiger in poker. The bad news is Noah said we can't eat the cobras. It was hard, but I resisted the urge to bite Noah.

DAY TWENTY FOUR

More rain! Poker game called off after an ugly third round. We will all miss the unicorns. A hedgehog told me he knows where the cobras are.

DAY TWENTY NINE

Rain. Again.

Things are getting tense here on Deck E. Turns out it was the leopards, not the cheetahs, who ate the unicorns and framed the cheetahs. Mildred said she knew it couldn't be the cheetahs all along, as she and Mrs. Cheetah have become good friends. Noah ordered everyone to stay in their bunks until his investigation concludes.

DAY THIRTY ONE

Noah's son Ham has been sent down to Deck E to keep order. All we can think about is how yummy he would taste with a honey glaze and some potatoes. Why did Noah name his kid after meat? At least it gives us something to ponder besides the fact that it's still raining.

The hedgehog's holding out on me, looking for some sort of bribe. I'm beginning to wonder if he was telling the truth about the cobras. Mmmmmm, cobra.

DAY THIRTY THREE

Ham was removed from Deck E and replaced with Japheth. We are all very sad to see him go, but it's probably for the best. The lions were a day away from seeing if he really did taste like ham.

And yes, it's still raining!!!

DAY THIRTY NINE

Still raining.

Leopards causing trouble again. Now they're accusing everyone of prejudice, saying that they were falsely accused of eating the unicorns because they have spots similar to cheetahs. It's all nonsense, of course. The cheetahs are good people. The leopards have been bad eggs from day one. Everybody knows it, even the falcons.

DAY FORTY FOUR

Still raining. The hedgehog said the cobras have been moved. Pretty sure he's been messing with me from day one. If he wasn't the last of his kind, I'd teach him a lesson he'd never forget.

DAY FORTY SIX

THE RAIN FINALLY STOPPED!! YIPPY!!!!

DAY FORTY SEVEN

Talked to Noah about resuming shuffleboard. Word is the top deck is too wet, but as soon as it dries, we're back on. The leopards are angry because we won't let them play. They're still denying the whole unicorn incident took place. What a couple of liars.

DAY FIFTY

Brackets released for the shuffleboard tournament. As expected, the leopards threw a huge fit because they were left off the brackets. They're lucky we don't toss them overboard.

The falcons laid eggs in their nest today! Super excited for them... though I have to admit, it's hard to resist the urge to make a few omelets.

DAY FIFTY TWO

Darned leopards are at it again! They attacked the wombats on Deck D in an attempt to get them to drop out of the shuffleboard tournament. The woolly monkeys have started a petition to have the leopards removed to a lifeboat for the remainder of the voyage, which may last a while yet. We're waiting for the water to go down.

DAY FIFTY FIVE

Tournament began today. Mildred and I lost round one to the antelopes. She's not speaking to me because I lost the game for us. As we were coming back from the game, I could swear I smelled cobra on Deck B.

DAY FIFTY EIGHT

Wild night last night! The leopards were at it again! They snuck into the falcon's pen and ate the eggs Mrs. Falcon laid last week. The leopards blamed the cheetahs - again! - but no one's buying it. The egg shells were in the leopard's pen! Caught them red-pawed!

The falcons have been removed from the deck, and the leopards are now in quarantine. Serves them right.

DAY SIXTY

We all have egg on our face today. Some of us literally.

Noah came down to Deck E personally with the falcons. It wasn't the leopards who attacked the falcons' nest. It was the cheetahs. The falcons swore to it, and they had witnesses - the woolly monkeys.

Turns out all this time we've accused the leopards of wrong doing, it was the cheetahs all along. They killed the unicorns, they harassed the wombats. They've had a vendetta against the leopards from day one, and we all bought into it.

Mildred feels horrible. She and Mrs. Cheetah have been best buds since the voyage began. I won't write down the things Mildred said about them today because they were far too unpleasant.

Needless to say, we're all bowing and scraping before the leopards, apologizing for mistreating them. We were wrong. We didn't have all the facts. We let the rain and the cramped conditions get to us, and we rushed to judgment.

The cheetahs are now in quarantine.

I could really go for some cobra right now!

DAY SIXTY FIVE

No one saw this coming.

The cheetahs are back on deck, and all is forgiven. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. And it's all because of the falcons.

I never thought the falcons were that bright, but they are wiser than the rest of us. They brought everyone together this morning and asked that we, as a group, offer forgiveness to the cheetahs.

We all told them they were crazy. The cheetahs were liars and killers. But the falcons reminded us why we were all here - grace. It was by grace we were the lucky few to board this boat. It is by grace we survived the flood. We need to share that same grace with the cheetahs, or else we'll prove we're not worthy of the grace given to us.

Let's face it, we're all guilty. None of us deserve any grace. We all falsely accused the leopards. We're all as guilty as the cheetahs. But as hard as it was to forgive them, we all feel so much better having the leopards and cheetahs back in the fold!

DAY SEVENTY

First dove sent out to check for land came back empty handed. We've scuttled the shuffleboard tournament, and the lions are starting a new one. The cheetahs and leopards will be included.

DAY SEVENTY THREE

Shuffleboard tournament has re-started, and once again, the honey badgers are out round one. You know what? Honey badger don't care. I should trademark that statement.

DAY EIGHTY

Deck B is smelling more and more like cobra. Noah won't let me on Deck B to check it out. I am hearing rumors of cobra babies. Sounds like a buffet to me!

DAY EIGHTY THREE

Second scout sent out to look for land came back empty handed. Meanwhile, Mildred, Mrs. Cheetah, and Mrs. Leopard had a lovely day hanging out on the top deck. Amazing how we've come together since the whole falcon incident.

DAY EIGHTY NINE

The shuffleboard tournament came to a stunning conclusion today when the heavily favored tigers were upset by the kiwi birds. It was a fair match, and the kiwis played a good game. Talk has now turned to our next activity. If the herbivores have their way, it'll be karaoke. If the carnivores have their way, losers get to be eaten. Yes, we're all in this together, and yes, we remember our lesson with the leopards and cheetahs. But instinct is instinct, and this cruise better be over soon.

DAY NINETY FIVE

Olive branch!! The scout came back with an olive branch today! We're expecting to leave the ship any day now, just as soon as Noah gives the all clear. Everyone's excited to get back into nature and stretch our legs.

I don't know where we are or where our new home will be. All I know is when we leave this ship, it is open season on all cobras.

That's right, cobras. Run. Run and hide. And by all means, lay a lot of eggs. Honey badger will find you wherever you go!

Also Available!

If you liked these stories, you'll love this fully illustrated tale of a boy and an evil snowman. It's a snow day gone horribly wrong in one of Sam and Lydia's all time favorite stories. Now available on your favorite ebook retailers!

### ABOUT THE AUTHOR

John Cosper is an award-winning screenwriter, science fiction writer, and wrestling historian. He is also the founder of the drama ministry Righteous Insanity. His credits include the Clive the Zombie films, the Fluffy trilogy, and the award-winning shorts Bots, Tolerance, and The Telemarketer. Other fiction works include Space Kat, Space Monster, Cave World, Martian Queen, and the illustrated kids book Frank Jordan: Evil Snowman. He lives in Southern Indiana with his wife and two kids.

