 
### Christy: A Journey Tale

Michael Thomas Cunningham

Published by Howeling Dog Press at Smashwords

Copyright 2009 Michael Thomas Cunningham

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### Chapter 1

"There is a tide in the affairs of men

Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;

Omitted, all the voyage of their life

Is bound in shallows and in miseries."

─ William Shakespeare

The sodden ground and fallen leaves squished beneath her feet as she passed the moss covered head stones. She shivered and stiffened her arms, pressing the Salvation Army jacket around her body as she braced against the wind. The dank mist of mid morning seemed to take her breath away, as she countered the effect with a long draw from a menthol Tahoe. She grimaced at the taste, but she liked the warm feeling it gave her deep inside. She held the smoke in her lungs for a long moment and then released the drag slowly as it mixed with the steam of her breath and she watched it briefly as the white plume rode the breeze. She took the half finished cigarette from her mouth and rolled it around in her fingers looking at it with disappointment. There wasn't very much of the paper left dry and she flicked it to the side in disgust.

"How long had it been?" she mused. "Eight years, ten years," she tried to calculate back through all the memories that seemed to melt together into one big pot of things she would rather forget. The distance between now and their last encounter was if it had been in another lifetime. The regrets and mistakes and foolishness of her life made her feel even older than the premature age the rough living had made her. The moisture was heavy in her long stringy hair and she ran her hands through it to get some of it out.

She stopped to take a break by an oak tree that looked like it had been there longer than the rows of small marble stones across from it. They were all blank, but she noticed a few still had miniature confederate flags stuck in the ground in front of them. The red was all but faded and their far edge was torn and tattered. History is as kind as the elements and the thought of their futile efforts brought her own experiences into perspective. It had all been welling up in her far longer than before she had found out he had died. The paper had said it was heart disease. It was a shock especially since she had tried to forget all about him. That was her way of dealing with it. At least that was the subconscious lie she tried to convince herself, but when she had the obituary staring her in the face there was no denying it. It was easier of course when she was younger. Things are always easier when you're young but now at 35 her whole situation just seemed ridiculous. She couldn't keep herself from crying. Her chest heaved as she sobbed, trying to regain control of her body. She cursed herself and wiped her face with the cuff of her jacket. She breathed in exaggerated breaths in an attempt to compose herself. She wiped her face again and looked around to see if anyone had seen her. Her outburst had been brief, but it was still embarrassing. Not that she cared what other people might think. She didn't like anything that made her feel weak and she didn't like anyone having control over her even if that someone was her.

She took another deep breath and thought that it must be just over the next rise. She had taken the long way around for her own reasons, and she had even thought about skipping this part. Then again the curiosity of it kept her moving forward when what she really wanted to do was go back and have a decent smoke in peace. She looked up ahead and imagined them gathering now. Just over the rise they would all be there. She wanted to see them and wish them well even if it was only going to be from a distance. She had heard Jack talk about them often and she could remember the stories with even more clarity now. She looked down at her feet. She couldn't keep herself from focusing on the last time she and Jack had spoken. She sighed, unable to banish the thought from her mind, and pulled another smoke from the pack and tried to light it with her hands cupped around her mouth. She savored this one and smiled as she exhaled. She could never bring herself to contact him again, but that didn't mean she could keep herself from following his life. He was well known and well liked and the funeral was one of the largest the funeral home had seen in a long time, but the interment was going to be a much more intimate affair. She was proud of his success and a man as decent as he deserved a good life and good fortune. It had been 20 years since they had met and it was only because he had a weakness for strays.

He was gone now and that thought stuck in her mind like sand in an oyster. She looked down at the Wal-Mart special on her wrist and then plunged it down to her side in frustration. She still had several minutes to kill and she turned around to put her back against the tree. She wiped her eyes again with the sleeve of her jacket and did her best to will away the pain, but it was not to be. She struggled like she had for so many years. Now she struggled to define herself by her own will, but will itself is a fast burning fire. She finally let her shoulders slump and her body lost the tension that she had desperately clung to. The tears, the emotions, the pain all flowed out of her as she at last let herself begin to feel. She didn't care anymore. She had denied for so long that the times she had spent with Jack were the best she'd ever had, and now there would never be a chance for them to reconcile. There would never be another chance for her to say I'm sorry. The finality of the moment hit her like a 12 gauge. In her eyes he had been a saint, a true saint, miracles and all. He helped her when she needed someone most and introduced her to a world where people really cared and love was more than a catch phrase. She laughed through her own tears at her own naiveté. There was a time when she thought people like that didn't exist. Her mind rolled through the years. It all unfolded before her crisp and fresh like a suppressed memory newly discovered. It was a weird feeling, though, like remembering someone else's life, a happier life.

She looked around her and to her left the head stones just seemed to go on for acres. Her current life now played out before her in sharp juxtaposition, so much so that she clenched her eyes closed in an attempt to throw off the memories. She knew at that moment how right Jack had been about her. He always did seem to know her better then she knew herself. She had denied certain truths for so long the lies became real, but now in this place she couldn't hide. She had allowed herself to be drawn into the labyrinth of apathy. She had been lost for so long that she didn't realize another way could even exist. It had defined every part of her existence. As she absorbed the scenery the damp grayness around her seemed to seep into her bones. Everything at once became heavier. She looked down at her left hand and tried to imagine the wedding band that had once been there. Her freedom was like ashes in her mouth. She was a walking corpse. She wasn't worth more than anyone else that surrounded her six feet under. It was a stark realization for her to understand what she had done and more importantly exactly what she had lost. She had tried desperately to find acceptance and what it means to really live in the back rooms and dingy slums of vice and drugs. It was about the moment. It was always about the sheer pleasure of the moment, the subjective reality of an altered conscience. It was all smoke and mirrors. When she pulled out another cigarette to light, it was the first time in her adult life it had made her feel ashamed. The addictions held on to her like chains and she could feel the manacles tighten, as she couldn't stop herself from taking the first drag. Jack told her all this many years before, and she couldn't help but think about how different things would have been if she had only listened. "If ifs and buts where candy and nuts,..." she thought as she sighed and hung her head. It was still a week away, but this was quite possibly the worst Christmas she had ever endured.

### Chapter 2

"Dearly beloved we are here to today to celebrate a life, not to mourn. Jack Randall was a devoted husband to Mary Beth and devoted father to Jennifer, a committed church and community leader, and active in many organizations," the pastor said as he read from a piece of paper and then laid it on the podium in front of him. "What these sentences don't say is what type of man Jack was and the kind of life he led, because to tell you the whole story would take all day. Jack was a man who wasted nothing. Every minute was precious to him and he spent it all in the pursuit of helping others. I had the pleasure of knowing him for over two decades and was fortunate enough to spend many hours talking with him, listening, and sharing his experiences." The pastor could see tears forming in the eyes of those in the crowd and could recognize that they had shared similar experiences. This only made him feel the loss of his friend even deeper as he tried to hold it together. He paused, composing himself for a moment, and then took a deep breath and looked down at his notes. He found his place and was about to continue when he decided to change his mind. He felt the urge to just wing it and speak from the heart. He looked at the swollen eyes of Mary Beth and at others in the crowd and thought that what they needed most right now was the same thing that comforted him. "Jack had a spirit..." he said, his voice fading as Jennifer's attention began to drift. Her mom brushed against her arm as she dabbed at her tears with a Kleenex. Jennifer looked over at her mother compassionately and reached over taking her hand in support. She then dabbed at her own tears that were there more out of expectation than as a reflection of her own emotion. She looked past the pastor and the metal coffin beside him toward the mound of earth and the large hole just behind them. Her mind fixated on the strangest thoughts as she drifted in and out of reality. She would never see her father again. He was the one in that aluminum box and they were going to put him in the ground. She said this over and over again to her as the realization of his passing began to truly sink in. "What would it be like in there?" She thought as she envisioned herself being locked in the coffin. She winced as the darkness and claustrophobia enveloped her mind. How will he get out? He will be so terrified if he can't get out. She closed her eyes and banished such silly thoughts from her mind. They were getting too ridiculous. She had seen way too many movies, but if she couldn't imagine him still alive then that left only one stark truth. He was gone and there was nothing she could do about it.

A white hot rage suddenly exploded within her, consuming all emotions of loss and tenderness. "Devoted father, my behind," she thought as she seethed. He had left them. He had abandoned them. In that moment Jennifer was six again and standing on stage in all her beauty pageant glory. She latched onto the memory to support her feelings as those events replayed themselves in her mind.

Jennifer had not even been all that interested in the pageant when she brought the notice home from school. Her mother even asked her if she would like to get dressed up in a type of play with the other girls. She couldn't remember exactly what her response had been, but it couldn't have been more than a half-hearted shrug. That is, until the pageant became a competition. The defining moment came when one day she noticed a group of the ritzier girls had asked to stay in the classroom during recess. The conversation had been low and muffled and from where Jennifer was sitting she couldn't hear exactly what they were asking permission to do, but she did hear the teacher giving them her blessing. Not to be one left out of a crowd, Jennifer had faked a slight stomach ache so that she could stay in as well with her head laid down on her desk.

Jennifer watched them through half open eyes and up to this point this was one of the oddest scenes she had ever experienced. There were four girls in all and they each proceeded to take turns walking across the back of the class room and then stopping with one foot out and the other placed horizontally to form a 90 degree angle in a pose the girls called pretty feet. Then they would reverse the process walking back across the room and pausing in the same pose before apparently exiting the runway. During this parade each girl would also try to outdo each other with the largest, silliest grin that each could contort their face to produce. Jennifer watched every move they made trying not to smile. It all seemed so silly and she couldn't imagine why in the world they were wasting their time to produce such a spectacle.

However, the longer Jennifer watched them the more she could feel the energy and it had to be important for them to get special permission to stay in and do it. After this went on a little longer Jennifer couldn't resist her curiosity.

"What are you doing?" she asked as she raised her head up, but remained in her chair. The girls had not paid any attention to her up to this point and to Jennifer's surprise they still didn't respond. So she asked again, and this time she said it loud enough she couldn't be ignored. The girls immediately stopped what they were doing including Susan Armstrong who halted in mid stride to glare at her.

"We are practicing," she said in a tone to ensure that Jennifer understood exactly how stupid her question was.

"If you're going to win you have to practice," said another girl Michelle just to throw in her own two cents. Susan looked quickly over at her with a thinly veiled sneer and then back at Jennifer. Michelle had to know she was dreaming if she thought she could beat her.

More intrigued than ever Jennifer got up form her desk and made her way over to the girls to better understand exactly what they were doing and maybe even join in, but this was not to be.

"Stop," Susan exclaimed stopping Jennifer dead in her tracks. "Go back to your desk," she boomed in what would have been a good imitation of the teacher. Susan even had her arm stuck out pointing Jennifer back in the direction of her desk. "You are sick," she said with superiority. "My mommy said I'm not allowed to get sick and I have to take lots of vitamin C." Jennifer thought about this for a moment, but she made no response. She turned around feeling defeated and made her way back to her desk. She had wanted desperately to protest and had even wanted to say that she was feeling a lot better now, but even that seemed inadequate and stuck in her throat.

Jennifer laid her head back down on the desk and watched the girls in wrapped attention for the rest of the recess period. They never even looked in her direction as far as she could tell and that made her feel something she couldn't describe. She studied them in every detail from the way they moved to the variations in style between them. In that short hour Jennifer locked away in her mind what she saw as the best each girl had to offer. That evening Jack and Mary Beth could not help but notice the singular preoccupation of their daughter. As soon as Mary Beth brought her home from school she bolted for the stairs running up to her room slamming the door shut behind her. She then remained cloistered there until dinner was ready a few hours later. Mary Beth looked at Jack in confusion when they heard her leave her room only after repeated yells and even a few threats. Jack gave his wife another look when Jennifer finally stomped into the room and plopped herself into her chair. She crossed her arms and pouted in silence not turning to look at either one of them.

Over the next half hour they peppered her with questions in an attempt to figure out exactly what happened to her at school. They were becoming frustrated now as each question was deflected with an annoyed shrug or an "I don't know." The couple again exchanged glances that now shifted from confusion to worry. Jennifer seemed as if she was hungry, but was only satisfied with reduced portions. She ate as fast as she could and when she devoured the last carrot she announced she was done and asked to leave the table.

"Honey, what are you doing up there?" Her mother asked determined to get to the bottom of this. It had gone on for far too long.

"I'm practicing," Jennifer said, a little embarrassed as she finally relented. "I've got to practice if I'm going to win." She said as she slid off the dining room chair and took off toward the stairs bounding each one with a thump before they had time to call her back to her seat. Her parents were stunned as she left in a blur. They looked at each other one final time each knowing that they were thinking the same thing. They gave it a few minutes and when they were sure she was fully engrossed in whatever she was doing they rose from the table and deftly made their way toward her room. When they arrived they stood just outside her door and listened for a moment. The sounds from inside were strange, like she was slowly walking across the room, stopping, and then waiting a few moments before returning back the way she had come. After a few minutes Mary Beth had heard enough as she put her hand on the door handle and gave it a turn. To her surprise it didn't budge an inch. Mary Beth looked annoyed as she grabbed it harder this time and attempted to turn it with authority, but the result was exactly the same. This was no longer a game. Jack backed away as she stood in front of the door and knocked loudly yelling for Jennifer to unlock it. It took a little longer for this to happen than Mary Beth thought it should and that made her even angrier. Jennifer was obviously taking her sweet time to comply with her demand. Her temper rose with each extra moment she waited behind that locked door.

"Young lady when I tell you to do something you'd better do it." She said even before the door was fully opened. Jennifer had already begun walking back to her bed where she sat down in a sulk. Jack and Mary Beth both scanned the room as soon as they were inside. They didn't know what they were expecting to find, but they were expecting there to be something. Their expressions morphed into bewilderment as everything seemed normal. The room looked exactly the same and was just as clean as it had been that morning. This surprise made Mary Beth forget momentarily about the door as they both zeroed in on Jennifer. Mary Beth had let her temper get the best of her and so as they made their way to where she sat, Jack took the lead proceeding with his usual gentle touch.

"Jennifer, your mom and I are worried about you. We didn't know what you were doing up here all by yourself," he said reassuringly as he sat on the bed next to her. Mary Beth followed close behind and took a seat on her other side.

"I told you I was practicing." She said with exasperation. They both looked at each other even more confused than ever. Jennifer was clearly unwilling or at the very least unable to explain exactly what she meant, so maybe the best way to get to the bottom of all this would be for her to show them.

"Honey, I'm sorry. I'll tell you what, why don't you show us what you're practicing? That way mommy and daddy can see what you you've been up to." Jennifer thought about this for a second then slid off the bed and walked over toward the far wall. To her parents astonishment she pasted the biggest grin on her face they had ever seen. Jennifer could see their reaction.

"I have to show my teeth when I smile." She said through her stretched lips as she took off across the room in a slow, but confident cantor. As she walked her back was straight and her eyes intense. When she got close to the other end of the room she stopped, turned slightly, and positioned herself into a pose. After a few moments she reversed the process going back across the room and giving the same pose before pretending to walk off the runway. Both parents were impressed, but speechless at her performance.

"Honey...have you been doing this the whole time you've been up here?" Jennifer nodded her head, but was a little irritated by her mother's question.

"I told you, I have to practice if I'm going to win."

There are moments in every parent's life when they are surprised by something their child says, something that shouts to them that while their child might be young in body and spirit their mind is constantly in motion. In that moment they realize that their son or daughter has aged far beyond their years and that clearly you have missed some part of their maturation. Within the course of a few minutes Mary Beth felt as though her daughter had jumped from 6 to 16. This is definitely not something the parenting books prepare you for, but Mary Beth knew there had to be something else going on here. That level of competitive spirit doesn't evolve in a vacuum. This depth of emotional involvement had to include someone else, and that someone must have hurt her. This made Mary Beth angry, and she almost blurted out something that would not have helped the situation, but thankfully she caught herself at the last moment. It was more important to say something that would strike at the heart of the problem, than to worry about finding the perfect thing to say.

"If you want to win the pageant that also means that other people will have to lose. Is there anyone in particular that you want to lose?"

"Yes," she said with determination. "I want to take vitamin C and win." She said just as serious as she could as Mary Beth struggled to keep a straight face. Mary Beth looked up at Jack and smiled, but then turned serious as she looked back at Jennifer again measuring her response.

"If you are practicing to win because you want to do your best then I support you. But, if you only want to win to beat someone else that's not called winning. That's called revenge. Do you know what revenge is?" She shook her head.

"Then let's talk about that." Jack said as he decided it was about time that he chimed in. Jennifer listened as they talked and she dutifully responded letting their emotion and cadence guide her to the answer that would satisfy them. She realized that when she was asked if she wanted to compete and do well in the pageant that it was an important question. She shook her head in the affirmative that she wanted to do well because she wanted to use her talents to the best of her ability, even though these sentiments did little to change her true motivation. Jennifer was even more determined and confident than she had been before.

When the day of the pageant came she walked across that stage with the air of a seasoned veteran. The energy from the crowd and the adrenaline surging through her system gave her a single determination to make it the best run she had ever made. When she was done and came off the stage Susan's jaw was on the floor and she couldn't help but feel that she had achieved something great. It was a victory, but it was not the war. Jennifer knew there was more than one round, and it had only just begun. As the pageant progressed her confidence grew as well as her rivalry. Each time Jennifer was called back to the stage it made that girl even more nervous and Jennifer relished every moment of it.

When it was over, Susan accepted a small trophy for first runner up with a scowl. At that moment, Jennifer realized the crown was hers and she knew her victory was complete. She could even remember how heavy it felt on her head, but when she walked toward the bottom of the stage her eyes went to where her mother was cheering but her father wasn't there. It was no secret he was out of town on business and he had not been there the whole time. It had not bothered her at all the three other times she had been down the runway, but this time it did matter and all of a sudden her triumph became hollow. She was still happy and her smile was just as bright, but on the inside it was a completely different story. That was the one and only pageant she would ever participate in.

"That is why we should rejoice," the pastor proclaimed as his raised voice pulled her back into reality. "We will miss him. We will all miss him dearly, but it is a happy day when we return home to rejoice with our heavenly father." The pain she felt that day was as real to her now as it had been on the day of the pageant. He had abandoned her again and this time she needed him more than she had ever needed him before.

### Chapter 3

The pastor walked over to Mary Beth and offered his condolences to her and then to Jennifer, followed close behind by the funeral director.

"My condolences again for your loss Mrs. Randall," he said intimately as he leaned close to speak to her. Mary Beth thanked him politely as she dabbed the tears from her eyes. "It will take us about two hours to finish with the arrangements and then you are more than welcome to view the grave at that time. If I can do anything else to be of service to you or your family please don't hesitate to call." Mary Beth thanked him again in a quiet whisper. The crowd then began to stir as a line quickly formed to Mary Beth's right. It was now the turn of friends and assorted relatives to give their obligatory condolences before they could depart. Jennifer had lost count of how many halfhearted thank yous she had been forced to utter. Finally, when the last mourner had past, it was just her, her mother, and a few workman who had already begun to lower the casket into the vault. Jennifer sat there uncomfortably as she waited for her mother to move, to stand up, to do something besides just sit there. Jennifer had been what she considered more than patient, but still her mother didn't budge. Jennifer began to fidget and sigh. She even made a show of looking at her watch. These were all the tricks she had used growing up that she knew would annoy her mother, but it was no good. Mary Beth still remained, unmoved by Jennifer's anxious displays as the workers made adjustments to their equipment.

"Mother, you're making them uncomfortable. I'm sure they're not used to having the relatives stare at them while they do their job."

"Really," Mary Beth said as she continued to face forward choosing not look at her daughter. "They don't look uncomfortable to me."

"Fine then, you're making me uncomfortable." Jennifer said as she perched on the edge of the metal folding chair.

Mary Beth was hurt for a brief moment and almost said something about her daughter's insensitivity, but she knew that if she tried to argue with her now it would only make things worse. Mary Beth took in the sight of the lid being lowered to seal the vault. At that moment she said goodbye to the man she had been with for almost 40 years.

"I'm ready now," Mary Beth said as she rose slowly from her chair and straightened her back.

"We can always come back later when they're finished." Jennifer said as she seemed to indicate the tent and chairs and everything else around them. Her tone had changed to compassionate now that they were leaving. "It will be better later. That way we can say goodbye in our own way." Mary Beth just gave a slight nod in acknowledgement as they made their way from under the dark green awning and back toward their cars. The images of the eulogy and burial still ran through her mind. When she closed her eyes she could still see the casket, but every time she did this it just made her want to cry. She didn't want to feel that way. Jack wouldn't want her to feel that way. So she tried instead to imagine all the good times as the years and events flashed through her mind. Like all couples they had good times and bad, but right now it was only the good times she could recall. She had cried and been sad for so long that now when she smiled at her memories she could feel the strain as her face used muscles it had not used in days. She would miss him, that was a given, but she took comfort in the thought that as long as she lived he would be with her in her memories; a constant companion that she would love even more with each passing day. Mary Beth glanced over at Jennifer, just for an instant. What would Jack do now? What would he say to her? She knew the funeral was just adding insult to injury. Jennifer was obviously having problems and it was making her increasingly isolated and bitter. Her smile faded and she sighed as it worried her that her daughter was heading down a very dark road probably toward depression, but it could easily lead to something worse. "Honey, I'm so worried about her. I don't know what to do?" She thought as she imagined talking to him and then thought about what his response might be.

"You know she's not just going to talk to you about it. You've got to be the one to make the first move."

"I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to know what to say. You just have to draw her out and most important you've got to be careful. You know how touchy she is. Take her out to eat or something. People always relax around food. Be honest and tell her exactly how you feel, and if you're lucky she'll do the same."

Mary Beth felt warm that day for the first time, even though it amused her that she was not only talking to herself, but hearing voices.

"I don't think it's going to be much longer before they're done, so I don't want to go all the way home just to turn around and come all the way back."

"Ok, where do you want to go instead?" Jennifer said a little confused as she tried to interpret what her mom might really be trying to say.

"Oh I don't know. Why don't we go out to eat somewhere, and then we can just come back when we're done."

"Sure, that sounds fine with me," Jennifer said enthusiastically as she still felt a little guilty for the way she had spoke to her mother. She regretted her temper, but she would try to make it up to her. "Here, why don't we take my car?"

"Thank you," Mary Beth said as she gave her daughter a quick grin and took her arm as they walked the rest of the way to the car.

When they were in range Jennifer pulled the keys form her leather handbag. Headlights flashed as she unlocked her black Mercedes and then hit the remote start as the engine purred to life. She placed the keys back in her bag and opened the driver's door to get in. It was at that moment as she turned to face the cemetery that she noticed her standing there. Jennifer could see the tent about fifty yards in the distance. To the right there was a small rise overlooking the grave and standing there was a woman. Jennifer studied her with a bemused expression, "Had she been watching us?" It wouldn't have bothered her as much if the woman hadn't reacted the way she did. As soon as Jennifer looked straight at her the woman knew she had been spotted and ducked behind a large tree out of view. It was odd, but there are a lot of strange people out there. "It takes all kinds," she thought. Maybe the girl just likes graves or something weird like that, but it still made Jennifer feel a little strange.

"Honey, is there something wrong?"

"Oh, nothing," Jennifer said as she instantly became aware that she was standing up with only half of her body in the car. "Sorry," she said as she got in and quickly fastened her seat belt. "I was just thinking. That's all," she said as she checked her mirrors and pulled out from the space. Her mother acknowledged her, and relaxed as she sat easily in the soft leather of the heated seats. It was soothing and luxurious, but not exactly something she was accustomed to. She looked over at her daughter's hands and then back at her own. She had only taken off her wedding band to make bread dough or occasionally to clean, but never in anger and never because she questioned her love for Jack. She vowed that she would always wear her ring as much to honor him as it honored the life they had shared.

### Chapter 4

Jennifer came to a complete stop at the exit for the cemetery. Her hand instinctively went for the turn signal when she realized she had no idea where she was going.

"Where do you want to go?"

"It doesn't matter to me." Mary Beth said as she stared out the passenger window as if her mind were a thousand miles away.

Jennifer tightened her grip on the steering wheel. She had driven up from Atlanta so the sleep deprivation combined with her already frayed nerves was not helping her temper. She had little experience with this part of Nashville, and to be honest had no idea where she was going. She repeated her mother's disinterested response through her mind and her knuckles turned white. This was her idea. She could at least be a little more helpful. Her mother looked over at her unsure of her hesitation. In Jennifer's mind this only put fuel on the fire, and she might have said something else to her mom about making a decision when a car pulled up behind her and honked its horn. It startled Jennifer and she instinctively looked up at the rearview mirror. In that brief moment of anxiety all Jennifer wanted to do was get out of the way. She hit the turn signal with authority, checked the traffic quickly, and headed right. She knew this direction would take them toward the interstate and there's always a place to eat near an interstate.

About 15 minutes later they arrived at the end of a residential area. The rows of ranch style houses with tall stately trees and lawns professionally cleared of leaves and yard debris was ending. In the Spring or Fall it was probably beautiful, but now she was glad to see a little commercialism. There were a few fast food chains, a movie rental place, and a strip mall designed to look like an old-fashioned town square. Jennifer didn't understand how any developer could justify the cost of such a design flourish. She knew design had to support differentiation, but there was no way that was cost effective.

"A strip mall is a strip mall; anything else is just a waste of money. Give people what they need and economics will take care of the rest."

She had heard that so many times from her husband the thought almost seemed like her own. The development architecture only a few years in vogue could not be justified in a soft economic market. Handouts and bailouts did little for the average consumer and even less for the real estate entrepreneur. To someone like her husband the recession had been nothing more than a market correction and he ran his affairs accordingly. He cared very little for fads and ridiculed those who indulged in them. Business was his life, and it was the only life he had ever known.

The sight of an O'Charleys in the distance broke Jennifer from her thought, which was fine because it was beginning to depress her. She pushed her problems into the back of her mind and carefully changed lanes to make a left turn into the parking lot. It was a Thursday afternoon so the crowd wasn't bad, but it wasn't deserted either. Restaurants with empty parking lots tended to make her nervous. As she pulled in she passed the front door and guided the car easily into a spot next to a compact. She tried to make it a habit to stay away from anything that might scratch her baby.

"Is this all right?" She said as Jennifer turned off the ignition.

"It's fine," her mom said in that same distant tone. Jennifer took a deep breath and looked over at her mother for a moment. She looked so lost and lonely. It was infectious and Jennifer could not help letting herself feel the same. She reached out and took her mom's hand holding it tight as her own eyes began to fill with tears. She avoided her mother's eyes at first, but she could feel her looking at her. Staring at her with an expression that conveyed more than words could ever hope to accomplish. When their eyes finally did meet Jennifer at last opened her heart to feel what she had not allowed herself to feel. The two women joined together in a spontaneous embrace and in that moment came to an understanding; an emotional connection that they had not shared in a very long time. It was beautiful, and the warmth and affection of the moment brought them out of the loss and sadness to love and a rekindling of their relationship.

Jennifer smiled brightly and tried to wipe away the tears from her face with the palm of her hand.

Jennifer looked at her mother and smiled. Mary Beth returned her expression, but more than anything she was relieved that her only daughter was beginning to let her back in. This had proved to be a lot easier than she had anticipated.

"Thank you so much for coming up for the funeral. It means a lot to me, more than I could ever tell you." Mary Beth said as she looked at Jennifer smoothing away her own tears. Jennifer stammered a bit debating her response, but in the end she decided just to speak from her heart.

"I'm glad I did, but to be honest I don't know if I completely felt that way until now. I know I'm a little self-involved sometimes and forget about everyone else around me. Thank you for helping me put things back in perspective." Jennifer held her mom's hand once more as fresh tears glistened in her eyes.

"He loved you so much Jennifer," she said as she squeezed her daughter's hand, but she could see her mood change. The smile faded instantly as a solemn feeling enveloped her. "I know you two didn't always see eye to eye, and I won't lie and tell you it didn't bother him, because it did." Jennifer turned her head away not able to look her mother in the face. "I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. That's not my intention."

"Then what is it?"

"Listen, honey, I know you've got problems and I don't pretend to know what's going on." Mary Beth said as she looked at her daughter's left hand. Jennifer instantly recognized what she meant and moved it so her mother couldn't see. "But I'm worried. I can't help but be worried about you." She stopped trying not to cry. "Oh, your father was so much better at this. Like when that little boy stood you up for the prom." Jennifer knew exactly what she meant and as the memories stirred in her mind she missed her father even more.

She had not thought about that in ages, but she could still remember his name, David Cantrell, and he wasn't little. He was a senior, and she was a freshman. Yes, I'm afraid it's one of those stories that had disaster written all over it. Both her parents could see it coming, but oh no, to Jennifer it was an absolute fairy tale. She was so flattered that a senior had asked her to the prom he could do no wrong. She spent the next month agonizing over the dress, what she would do with her hair, and making sure that everything was perfect. They even went out on a few dates and everything about him made her like him even more. She would lie awake at night and imagine them old together looking back on a life well lived. She was so happy sometimes she would cry.

When the day of the prom came she didn't see him at lunch like she normally did, but at the time she didn't think that much about it. She was leaving school a few hours early that day to get ready and those thoughts kept her pretty much occupied. She was so excited that she was dressed, primped, and ready to go a half hour before he was supposed to pick her up. Her palms sweated as she paced the floor. It was bad enough waiting through that first half hour, but when the appointed time came and went her nervous energy quickly turned into anxiety that rose in a crescendo as 15 minutes late turned into half an hour. She called his mom and she said David had left about 45 minutes ago. Her anxiety was about to boil over to panic when her dad came up with a plan. Jack didn't like the idea of her going out with a senior anyway, but Jennifer's nerves were about to drive him crazy. If she paced that floor wringing her hands one more time he didn't think he could take it. He tried to calm her down of course, but that was clearly not going to cut it. So finally he told her that he would drive her to the High School instead. The boy may have had car trouble or something like that and might already be waiting for her there. It would all be ok. Everything could still be perfect just like she had planned. This was just a minor inconvenience. Jennifer bought it hook, line, and sinker even though he knew this was going to be a long night. The fact that the little ingrate hadn't picked up the phone told him all he needed to know.

Jennifer was all smiles when they arrived at the gym. The sun was just going down and the few clouds that were there reflected a blazing pink and orange sunset that tinted the world in a warm glow. It was a perfect night and Jennifer could feel it as she jumped out of the truck almost before he could get it stopped.

"Thanks dad," she yelled as she slammed the door. Her white prom dress billowed behind her as she ran. He could see the front door from where he was parked, and watched as she went in through the main doors. She was so beautiful, more beautiful than he could remember, and it sickened him that she would have to grow up tonight so quickly.

Jack didn't know if it was going to be good or bad, but he braced himself for the worse. As it turned out he didn't have to wait very long. He had turned his head to watch the sunset and when he turned back toward the door he could see her standing just inside. There was a look of terror on her face as she scanned the parking lot, but then when she saw he was still there, she took off in a sprint with tears and make up streaming down her face. She flung the truck door open and doubled over in the seat, burying her head in her hands.

"He never told you what really happened did he?" Jennifer asked with a smirk.

"What do you mean?" Mary Beth said as she sat up realizing there was more to this story than she was led to believe.

"He didn't just stand me up. He got a better offer and conveniently forgot to tell me."

"What?" Her mother gasped.

"Yes, when I got to the gym that night, thank goodness dad had the sense to wait. I think he knew what was going on, but he knew I wouldn't believe him if he had tried to tell me. When I got inside I started looking for the guy. It took a few minutes, but when I did see him they were off in some corner making out. I couldn't believe it. I recognized her immediately and right then all the pieces began to fall into place. I was so devastated I just had to get out of there. I don't know what I would have done if dad hadn't been there waiting for me." Jennifer sniffed and took a deep breath. She wiped her eyes as her mother hung on every word. "I found out later they had broken up earlier that year and it had been their plan up to that point to go to the prom together. The first girl he asked turned him down and I think the only reason he asked me was because he knew I would say yes. So...when this girl got dumped she asked him if he wanted to go and that left me odd man out. The creep knew how it would hurt me and he was just too chicken to come clean."

"Your father told me he went out to a movie while you were at the prom." Mary Beth said as she was still trying to understand what really happened. Jennifer gave her mom a wry grin.

"Did he tell you he went to a movie or did he say he went to a movie while I was at the prom?" Mary Beth smiled too as she was beginning to get it.

"He just said he went to a movie."

"And that's exactly what happened. He did go to a movie. The only difference is I went with him."

"I always told him that lies of omission are still lies, the little devil." She said as they both laughed. They sat there for a moment and then Mary Beth decided to broach the subject again. Things were starting to make a lot more sense. "He's not here for you this time...is he?"

"No...he's not," Jennifer said as she broke down leaning forward into her mother's arms.

### Chapter 5

Jennifer stayed in her mother's embrace until she couldn't take the pain from the center console any longer. Her mother was warm and tender, and when Jennifer had her eyes closed she could imagine herself fifteen again in the arms of her father. The whole experience was so surreal she wondered if it could possibly be true. She looked into her mother's eyes as she brushed her bangs away from her face.

"Honey, I know it's gotta be tough going through whatever it is that you're going through, but don't forget that I love you, and...I'm here for you."

"Oh mom, I know that. It's just that..." Jennifer paused not sure how to finish the sentence.

"It's just what," she said irritated as she realized she would have to take a more direct approach. "I know you don't want to face it, but I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on with you and Paul."

"Mom," Jennifer said worried and exasperated. Her mind raced to find words for all the thoughts and emotions swirling around. It wasn't so much that she didn't think that she could tell her mom, but that she simply didn't know where to start. She looked away from her unsure of what to do.

"Honey, I was married for a long time, and it may surprise you to know that you father and me went through a lot more than you may realize." Jennifer turned quickly to look at her mother with a glint of shock in her eyes. It took Mary Beth a moment and then she caught her daughter's insinuation. "Good grief. Jennifer! There was never anything like that."

"What..." she said with a smile.

"No...nothing like that," she said as she returned her grin. Mary Beth didn't have to let her imagination wander far to figure out what Jennifer was thinking. "You see that's the thing that most people never figure out. I'm not talking about the big stuff. For things like that you either forgive them or you don't. What I'm talking about is much more difficult. It's the simple act of just living together that is infinitely more difficult. I mean dating is great with all the romance and passion..."

"Mom," Jennifer exclaimed.

"Well, anyway, you get the idea but nothing, and I mean nothing can be as difficult as spending year after year with the same person." She said as she exaggerated the length of each year. "I've even heard women describe their marriages as if they were prison sentences, and in some ways that analogy isn't much of an exaggeration. The monotony of waking up every day and simply going through the same motions that you've been through a thousand times before is beyond words to describe. I remember your father and I had a fantastic honey moon." She said as she closed her eyes reliving the memory. "Then two weeks later he was back on the road trying to sell those stupid sanitizers. After being together it was tough without him. He was usually gone during the week and then come back for the weekend, but then when Monday morning rolled around he was back on the road. To be honest it was more like dating than it was a real marriage."

"Didn't you miss him?" Jennifer asked a little surprised that she let him go so easily.

"Of course, I missed him, but after a while it just became our routine. I liked having him around, but then again I only had to put with the things that annoyed me for a few days. After he was gone the house was all mine and I could do as I please. Looking back on it now it was really the best of both worlds. I had all the joys of marriage, but I also got to live my life the way I wanted to without having to make any accommodations for anyone else.

"It still sounds lonely to me."

"In some ways it was, but like all things it didn't last forever."

"So what happened?"

"Well, you happened."

"What?" Jennifer asked a little confused.

"I got pregnant and Jack didn't think it was right for me to be alone for such long stretches. He switched jobs so that he could be home every night. He had to take a pay cut though and that didn't make me very happy. I appreciated the gesture, I guess, but I could take care of myself if it was all the same to him."

"So what happened next?" Jennifer asked in anticipation of the good stuff.

"That's it. That's what happened. One of the hardest times I have ever had in my life was when your father came home every night. The truth is we had to face reality and get down to the business of being married. See, that's the thing that made it so tough. There was no single thing that you could point out and say, "Stop doing this because you're driving me crazy." It was a thousand little things that I didn't realize bothered me. All I knew was that I was constantly annoyed by him."

"Did you fight?" Jennifer asked as she fished for the juicy details.

"Oh my goodness did we fight, and what made it worse is that we fought over absolutely nothing. It's like we were constantly mad at each other and it was just easier to yell than it was to talk about what was really bothering us. Then again when we did try to talk we had no idea why we were so edgy and we would just go back to fussing at each other. Looking back on it now I just might have killed him if I thought I could have gotten away with it. Then again it didn't help matters that I was so stubborn. I had my routine and my way of doing things, and I was going to stick to it no matter what. When I put my foot down, that of course only encouraged him to do the same and you know I wasn't going to have any of that," Mary Beth said with a laugh.

"So what happened? I mean obviously you stayed with him."

"I did stay with him, but for a long time it was only out of sheer will. Even though it hurts me to think that there might have been times when he thought I didn't want him. I have a lot of regrets, but there was no way I was going to let him go. I think that confused him because I acted like I didn't want him around, but at the same time I wouldn't let him go. I guess it didn't make any sense to him, but then again it made perfect sense to me. That's why you've got to be the one to make it work. Men, just don't get it and if they're worth holding on to, you have to hold on with both hands. Listen to your heart, Jennifer, and let your intuition guide you. Men are instinctual. You know you can take the man out of the cave, but you can't take the cave out of the man." She said with a smile.

"I couldn't agree with you more." Jennifer laughed.

"See, that's why you have to understand the cave to understand the man. He wants rules and boundaries and absolutes."

"Is that what you did with dad?"

"Well, eventually I suppose, but it took me a little while to figure that out. Fortunately, for us we both came to our senses at the same time." Mary Beth said as she tried to keep herself from laughing as she thought about it. "Of course, it's funny now, but back then...yeah it was funny then too, but it took some time for us to appreciate the moment." Mary Beth paused letting the anticipation build.

"You are killing me. Are you going to tell me already?"

"Shhh, I know I'm getting to it. So your dad and I are eating dinner one night and he got up from the table to get something from the kitchen. I don't even remember what it was now. Anyway he comes back into the dining room just a yelling at me about how I left the oven on again. Which I might have had the habit of doing, but I always noticed it eventually and turned it off. I didn't think it was that big of a deal, but now here he comes just a fussing about how I might as well be throwing money out of the window. Oh, you better believe that just flew all over me. Money had become the hot button between us anyway; and when he threw that in my face, it was the last straw. I told him right then and there that I would leave that oven on all day if I wanted to. He took that crappy job by choice and if he didn't make enough money that was his fault. That was a soft spot for him, you see, and I knew it would hurt him." Mary Beth said with regret.

"What did he say to that?"

"I don't remember exactly, but I do remember that the conversation went down hill from there. When it finally ended, I was standing on the porch yelling, with my pregnant belly all hanging out and him standing in the rain in his boxers trying to find his car keys in the yard."

"Why were his keys in the yard?"

"Because that's where I threw them." She said with a grin.

"Did you really?"

"I most certainly did, and he didn't find them for another six months until he was out there doing some yard work." She said with a laugh. "I think he got so mad at me it cleared his head; and I got so tickled at watching him looking for those keys in the dark it brought me back to my senses. The whole situation was so ridiculous we couldn't help but admit how silly we were. That was the moment when we finally stopped yelling around our problems and started facing them. Your dad and I had been together for two years at that point, but I would say that's when we were truly married."

"Oh mom, you're going to make me cry again."

"I'm going to make myself cry if I keep on. I just want you know that you may not know what's bothering you, but you know there's something in the way of your relationship. I think very few people have a moment like your dad and me when all your problems seem so clear and you see yourselves exactly as you are. We were lucky. So what you have to do is ask yourself: what is really in the way of your relationship and is the relationship truly worth fixing? Do you want to be with him? I mean really with him?"

"I see what you mean," Jennifer said distantly. "I think I do. I think I really want it to work."

"If that's what you believe, then hold on to him and fight the battles that are worth fighting and forget everything else. Don't forget to always attack the problem and not each other." She said with a warm gentle smile.

### Chapter 6

Jennifer eased on the brake as she judged the speed of the oncoming traffic. She glanced up at the rearview mirror and then made a quick left hand turn into the cemetery. They were coming back now as Jennifer and her mom both decided that neither of them were all that hungry by the time they were ready to go into the restaurant. This was especially true after Jennifer got a glimpse of herself in the vanity mirror. Their emotional exchange had left her makeup a little worse for wear which naturally made her shy away from going out in public. Then again they were only going out just to kill time, and they had certainly done a good job of that. They both agreed that by now it had probably been long enough for the guys to finish.

As Jennifer drove through the narrow lanes between the different sections of the cemetery she thought about her own feelings and how different she was in only a matter of hours. "It's amazing what a little time can do." She thought to herself. She still had her problems and for the most part she still didn't know what she was going to do, but things were a little brighter now than they were before. She at least had hope. Jennifer took a deep breath as she began to contemplate what she would do tomorrow. Oh tomorrow, to return back to her life and to decisions that must be made was definitely a lot scarier, but at this moment she was more at peace than she had been in a long time.

Jennifer eased the car back into the same parking spot she had left before and turned off the ignition. She sat there for a second staring out at the graves before she turned to her mother.

"Are you sure?" Jennifer asked giving her mother the opportunity to change her mind.

"Yes honey, I'm sure." She said with a reassuring smile. "This cold is making my arthritis act up, and I can visit the plot tomorrow anyway. Besides I think I'm getting kind of tired." Mary Beth said knowing that her daughter could easily see through her excuses, but that didn't matter. She wanted Jennifer to say goodbye or let go of whatever it is that she's holding in, and if Mary Beth went with her there's no way it would be the same.

"Ok," Jennifer said as Mary Beth gave a slight nod and then opened her door to get out. Jennifer followed her mom's lead and then walked over to say goodbye.

"When do you plan on going back?"

"You know I had always planned to go back today, but I honestly don't think I will. Maybe tomorrow or even the next day, I haven't really decided." Jennifer said since she was in no hurry to return home. It was even kind of funny she mused. She had thought this funeral was just something to be endured until she could rush back, but this was starting to feel more like home every minute.

"Well, you know you're always welcome at my place. If you're still in town why don't you come over tonight?"

"I think that sounds good." Jennifer said as she hugged her mom one last time. She then stepped back so her mother could get in her car, and then stood by to watch her leave, waving good bye as she went.

The sun was now starting to shine through the clouds, melting off some of the haze. It was brighter now, but this did little to warm things up. Jennifer looked across the cemetery, but the green tent was gone along with all the workers and equipment. A cold stillness swept over her as she put her hands in her jacket pockets. As she scanned the area the scenery reminded her of the woman she had seen as they were leaving and recalled that she had been standing on the rise there just above where they were having the funeral. She looked up toward the spot, curious and wondering if she really was some nut or if there was something more. The thought that the stranger was actually there to observe the funeral pushed her curiosity over the edge, and Jennifer began to make her way up the hill.

Just over the embankment and passed a large oak tree, she reached the exact spot. She glanced around the area, but there was nothing remarkable about it. It was just another part of the cemetery, but it was a place that offered an unobstructed view of her father's grave. It was unobtrusive and out of the way. In other words, it was the perfect place to see without being seen. Her curiosity turned into intrigue as she tried to guess the woman's motivations. "Who would want to show up for a funeral, but not want any to know she was there?" Jennifer thought as she looked down toward the ground. The grass was matted flat and just over by the tree was a pile of cigarette butts. As she stood there Jennifer could still perceive just a hint of the smoke still hanging in the air.

"She had waited," Jennifer thought to herself as she mulled over the implications. The woman must have known him well to have this kind of emotional attachment. Jennifer's mind calculated the possibilities, but it still seemed so weird. The whole circumstance was almost beyond belief if she wasn't actually experiencing it. She looked around scanning the area closely searching for any hint, any sign that someone else was still around. Nothing, there was absolutely nothing except for the occasional car or the faint noise of traffic in the distance. There was nothing she could do now. There was nothing more she could investigate. She sighed, Jennifer would have given anything to know who she had been, but it looked like it was a mystery that would have to remain unsolved.

Jennifer tried to push her curiosity and her wandering thoughts from her mind as she walked a few steps forward to the edge of the precipice where the land sloped down sharply and looked toward her father's grave. The dark red earth, "Tennessee clay," they called it, formed into a fresh mound. The standing arrangements and wreaths had been placed in a semi circle around where a small laminated placard had been pressed into the earth. They did a good job. She would have to give them that, she thought as she decided to make her way back down the embankment and to say what she still thought she needed to say to make her peace.

### Chapter 7

Jennifer's last words to her father were not in anger, but they weren't exactly out of love either. Their last exchange had been cool and casual like two old friends divided by their differences, but neither one really wanting to offend the other. Jennifer told him goodbye and he hugged her gently being careful of her white wedding dress. She had thought that day was the happiest of her life, but now it was largely a blur.

Jennifer's father had disliked Paul almost from the moment he met him. He was never rude nor disrespectful, but always cold and cordial. Jack had seen the world through his job. He had been a traveling salesman before he and Mary Beth got married and he hit the road again when Jennifer turned five and started school. She remembered him talking about some of the things he had seen and experienced, but never in great detail. He was a kind and generous man, but that kind of peace did not mean he was ignorant of the world. It bothered Jennifer that her father didn't like Paul, while Jack for his part was always trying to figure out what this guy was up to. Oh, Jack understood Jennifer's foolish infatuation. That was clear enough, but what wasn't clear was what made this guy tick. Jennifer was attractive, but she wasn't gorgeous. She had a good heart, but she was also ambitious. It was not out of Jennifer's character to do something just to prove that she could. This guy had money, he had been an athlete, and he could probably get any girl he wanted. So why does he want my girl? That was the question that constantly kept coming back to him. So much so that it prompted him to have a talk with her shortly after she showed her parents the one caret brilliant cut rock that now adorned her finger. The fact that this guy was taking it this far was making Jack even more nervous. He knew that once he got her alone he would have to tread carefully even though she probably wouldn't listen to him he knew he had to try.

"Jennifer, I want you to know that your mom and I are very proud of you." He said in his most tender and fatherly voice. Jennifer barely noticed; she had so much nervous energy she could hardly sit still.

"It's amazing, isn't it? I just can't keep myself from staring at it," she said as she looked up at him briefly and then back down at the ring. She was mesmerized and he soon began to doubt that he could make any progress. She wasn't listening, but he still wanted to try.

"Jennifer it's great, but have you ever considered..." He stopped himself in mid sentence deciding that approach would be way too blunt. He decided it would probably be better if he came at it from a different angle. "What I mean is that I want you to be careful, Jennifer," he said with more caution than fatherly support, and the change in his tone got Jennifer's attention.

"What do you mean?" she stiffened defensively. Jack smiled trying to disarm the tension.

"Jennifer, I don't mean it like that. I'm not saying anything against him. Fathers worry honey; we can't help it. That's our job and nothing makes us worry more than our," he stopped himself before he could say little girl. "Daughters," he concluded.

"Oh, dad, you don't have to worry. Just be as happy for me right now as I am." Jack nodded his head with a dutiful smile and joined his daughter in a long embrace. He often gave in to people to avoid a fight, but he consoled himself by the fact that it wouldn't have done any good and he knew it. To her this guy walked on water and she accepted nothing but his infallibility. Some lessons your kids have to learn on their own, but that still shouldn't keep you from trying to help.

As their engagement progressed, Jack could see trouble brewing. It wasn't what he did exactly. Oh, if it had been something like that the guy would be out on his ear. No, it was much colder than that. It was what he didn't do that bothered Jack the most. The guy was an egotist and one that only surrounded himself by those who worshiped him. He wanted supplicants not friends, and Jennifer was always there for him. He never lifted a finger for her but expected her to be at his beck and call. Every time Jennifer came running when he crooked his finger, Jack disliked him just little bit more.

He tried again and again to talk to her to get her to see what was happening, but no matter what he said, she wouldn't hear of it. She was always disappointed in him because he didn't like Paul, and that disappointment was beginning to turn into resentment. Over the next few months of their engagement, he could sense the change in her mood, but it was too late. She made it clear in no uncertain terms that all he was trying to do was rob her of her happiness, her moment in the sun. The clothes, the lifestyle, the honeymoon in the Mediterranean, she was determined to have it all. It was like being in a fairy tale, and all her father wanted to do was close the book.

She didn't talk to him for a month after their last fight which only confirmed that stubborn is a force of nature. It couldn't be turned and certainly could not be stopped. "No matter what," he thought as he resigned himself to his daughter's will, "I love her; and if I have to watch the train wreck I will, if only to be there for her when it's all said and done." He would play his part, and he would be there to hold her when she cried.

Jennifer cursed her naiveté as all those conversations and arguments she had with him flooded through her mind as if a levy had broken. She stood there, her arms folded. It was too much, the regrets and recriminations.

"Just be careful." She repeated his words to herself. The weight of the moment forced her to her knees where she bent over, head in hands, but she didn't cry. She was beyond that now. This had to be it she thought. This was rock bottom.

### Chapter 8

Jennifer had dropped to her knees and stayed that way until the pain and lack of blood flow forced her to shift her weight causing her to become unsteady and before she could compensate she fell over on her butt. It took her a second to recover from the impact and the shock as her skin hit the wet grass. She shook her head at the incident. There was nothing left for her to do but smile. She thought about what a mess she was and how stupid she probably looked rolling around on the ground, but she didn't care. It was all so ironic she just stayed there and folded her knees up to her chest.

Jennifer sat like that for who knows how long. Time was lost to her and quite frankly she could care less. In fact, as she got to thinking about it, there were a lot of things that she was worried about 24 hours ago that almost seemed ridiculous now. She was young and had a life to live. It was her choice to determine her own fate. When she thought how reactionary she had been for so long it made her sick. Then again, what's done is done. She could beat herself up over it or she could move on, and right now moving on was looking pretty good.

Her legs were asleep now and she stretched them out and waited for the feeling of pins and needles to pass. She then stood up and brushed herself off even though it didn't make much difference. She laughed at the sheer absurdity of it and gave it up for hopeless. When she straightened up she looked toward the grave one last time and then after a moment walked over to one of the standing arrangements. It was a wreath made of several different types of roses. She reached in being careful of the thorns and selected the one with the largest bloom. With the rose in hand she turned around and laid it down on the grave.

"Thank you, Dad." Jennifer whispered and then turned around to make her way back to her car. When she got there she glanced back up at the rise, but as she suspected there was no one there. That was just one of the many things she would have to get over, she thought as she opened the car door and noticed how pristine the interior looked in comparison to herself. She tried brushing herself off again, but after a minute it just seemed silly. An hour ago it probably would have bothered her, but right now she just shrugged and got in the car. Her dress was cold against her skin as she sat down, she attempted to adjust it trying to make it better, but it was no good. She started the car and turned the heat on high as she thought about what she would do next. She knew she would go back to her hotel for a hot shower and a change of clothes, but first there would have to be a drive through. She had been hungry before, but now she was ravenous. She tried to keep her mind off it though as she continued to tick items off of her mental to do list as a plan for the rest of the day began to fall into place. Then and only then did she allow herself to think about her husband.

"No, it would never work, and there is nothing I can do to change that," she thought as she now realized to say anything else would just be wishful thinking. Her mom had been right about a few things, but not about everything. You can't help how another person feels, and to hold to something that doesn't want to hold on to you is pointless. "It's never going to work," she repeated to herself. She knew that their relationship had always been one-sided. The thought made her pause. "He always has a plan and I wonder what his plan is for this. I'm sure he's considered the possibility, so if I'm going to win this thing, I have to be smart about it. I have to beat him to the punch and that's not going to be easy," Jennifer thought as she came back to reality. She reached over and turned off the blower on the heater. She decided then that she had wasted enough time. She pulled out of the parking spot and headed slowly out of the cemetery.

As she left she watched the scenery pass by: the grave, the rise beyond, and then the other markers and head stones that spread out before her. She had always tried to avoid cemeteries so she had never really noticed all the different variations in markers and headstones. There were so many of them. Some had names; some didn't, but they were all testaments left by the living. Her mind drifted as she imagined the accomplishments of those that were clearly wealthy and those that were clearly not. She was thinking about one family; there were five of them, with a six-inch marble slab over their graves when suddenly she caught a glimpse of someone out the corner of her eye. Jennifer jerked her head around in surprise. A faint cloud of smoke and a lone female form was leaning casually against a tree. "Is that her?" Jennifer thought as she resisted the temptation to hit the brakes. She kept the car rolling as she looked back at her in the rearview mirror. She was just standing there like she was waiting for something but wasn't sure exactly what that something was. "What is she doing?" Jennifer's imagination jumped from one absurd conclusion to another. When she lost sight of her completely she made a quick U-turn in the middle of the drive.

Once she had turned the car around she drove until she thought she could see her and then slowed down to a crawl. She could feel the adrenaline surging through her body as she gripped the steering wheel. "Was she just waiting for me to leave?" The thought made Jennifer more angry than intrigued. Then almost when Jennifer began to doubt that the woman was still there she saw her and came to a complete stop. Jennifer waited. She waited, watching her every move. Jennifer gripped the steering wheel even harder as the woman turned around and stared directly at her. Her body language changed instantly. They both seemed to recognize that they both had been caught. The woman extinguished her cigarette against the tree and then began to walk toward Jennifer's car.

### Chapter 9

Christy watched the black ash tumble to the ground as she pushed her cig into the tree. She dropped the butt into a pile at her feet that had formed since she had been standing there. She had been watching them put Jack in the ground and was waiting for them to finish. "They're good guys," she thought. They worked hard and steady even though they must've been bored to tears doing the same job they had probably done a thousand times before, maybe even more. Burying people had to be one of the most depressing jobs she could imagine, but a job is a job and right now she would take any job she could get. It might be boring, but then again there has to be something comforting about doing the same thing over and over again. To always know what needs to be done and how to do it had to make life a whole lot easier.

After the boys had finished cleaning up, she was about to make her way down to the grave when the sound of a car stopped her. The two ladies where back so she made herself scarce until they got through doing whatever it was they were gonna do. She figured the older lady had to be Jack's wife. He had told her so much about her, Christy felt like they could've been old friends. She looked nice and Christy wished her well. She had lost people too and knew what it felt like to be alone. Then there was the other lady. Yes: Miss Fancy Pants. By the way she held onto the older lady's arm and the way she acted at the grave, she had to be Jack's daughter, what's her name, Christy couldn't remember. The age was about right though, and she certainly looked good. It was clear she had done much better for herself then he could ever have given her.

Christy cursed herself for not clearing out a little quicker when that car rolled by. Fancy Pants had pulled a quick U'ey and parked no more than 50 feet away. She was just sitting there watching her. It was insane. "Why is she just sittin' there?" Christy thought as she took a deep breath and evaluated her options; none of them seemed good. She decided on the spot the best thing would be to go over there and talk to her. At the very least it might keep her from doing something really stupid like calling the Po Po. Christy put her hands in her pockets and made her way slowly down the embankment toward her car where she was parked. Christy tried to look as casual and as non-threatening as possible. When she got closer she could hear the dull thump of the door locks engaging. She grinned to herself realizing this was not going to be easy, but she still hoped that her and Fancy Pants could reach an understanding. The black paint job on her Mercedes shined like a new penny as Christy speculated what kind of sweet life this lady must have.

"I bet she even has a bottle of wine with dinner every night," she thought. Her stomach knotted as she was almost to the passenger door. Christy had enough experience with people to know she had to play it cool. On the other hand things weren't exactly as bad as they could be. At least the two of them had one thing in common and that was Jack.

After the older lady had left Christy had not been content just to stand there and wait. She had made her way back over there just to take a peek, and it proved to be a little more dramatic than she had anticipated. It was fairly obvious from the show this lady put on they must have been real close. Then again, Christy figured there had to be more to it than that. She definitely had to have a few skeletons in the closet.

"You don't break down like that unless times were that good or they were that bad." Christy would put her money on bad and let it ride.

Christy got close enough to the car to see the woman's eyes and the shock as she kept coming closer. What Christy didn't see was a cell phone in her ear and that gave her some relief. The woman was nervous, of course, but not terrified enough to do anything about it. This was good news and meant that as long as Christy kept it civil everything would be ok.

Christy smiled as wide and as friendly as she knew how. She waved hello and motioned for her to roll down the window a little so they could talk. The woman fumbled with the controls a bit as her anxiety level went up more than Christy would have preferred. The passenger door window did eventually go down, but only about two inches. That was not as much as Christy was hoping for, but she reacted as if it was exactly what she had been expecting.

"Hey, how ya, doin." Christy said with a warm smile.

"Fine..." Jennifer said weakly as it took her a moment to respond.

"So, I guess your wonderin' what I'm doin' here?" Christy let the question disarm her, but continued before she could respond. "I want you to know I ain't crazy and I sure as heck ain't stalkin' you or nothin' like that." Christy hesitated a moment and then decided to chance it. "I'm just here to pay my respects to your daddy." Christy saw the surprise in her eyes and waited.

"What..." Jennifer said completely baffled.

"Your daddy, Jack Randall," Christy let the words soak in. "I'm here for his funeral and that's all. Like I said before, I ain't a freak or nothin', but I knew him and we had some history together. I'm just here to make my peace without botherin' anybody or getting' in the way." This whole encounter was becoming just a little too surreal for Jennifer. For her own sanity she had to bring the conversation back to some semblance of normalcy.

"How did you know he was my father?" Jennifer asked suspiciously.

"That was a guess, but it was pretty clear I reckon. I kind of recognized your momma from what Jack told me about her and I saw you two leave together and I just put two and two together. That's all." Christy could have told her more but figured it would be better to keep to the basics at this point.

"So you were watching us." Jennifer said pointedly as her nerves began to dissolve into anger.

"Hey, hold on a minute! It ain't like that." Christy had let this go long enough and if she didn't want to do any fast-talking with the police she better start talking now. "I know it all may seem a little strange, me talking to you like this. I mean look at me." She said as she took a step back so Jennifer could see her as she was. "I know I don't look like much and maybe people like me don't mean much to you, but people like me meant a whole lot to your daddy. I spent a lot of time with him and maybe I could tell you some things about him you never knew. Jack had a whole other life out there on the road. Maybe you know that; maybe you don't." Christy let the words hang in the air and judged her body language. "I guess right now I'm bettin' you don't. I can see in your eyes, you got what they call issues. Just maybe I can help you out with that. So...as I see it, you got a choice. Are you going to drive out of here leaving things as they are, or are you going to at least hear me out?"

Jennifer could smell the must of the cigarette smoke though the window. Her eyes glanced over the woman's secondhand clothes, sizing her up. Jennifer knew this had to be a con. Then again if it was a con, it was a very good one. She had not offered this woman any information and what she was coming back with was fairly detailed. "How did she know all that?" Jennifer wondered as the yarn she was beginning to weave was not completely out of the realm of possibility. The woman seemed odd and trashy, but she at least had done nothing to threaten her.

"If you knew my father so well why didn't you join us for his burial?"

"Yeah, I know. I guess I thought it would be best if I kept to myself; less questions that way. Besides, you don't know me and I didn't think it was right for me just to show up like I was one of the family. Well, that is of course until you spotted me, but that wasn't exactly what I had planned." Christy said with a grin.

"That still doesn't explain why you're still here?"

"You're right; it don't." Christy said as her tone turned serious. "And I'm sorry for that," Christy said a little embarrassed. "I guess...well I guess I'm having a little trouble letting go. I reckon I got issues too." She said after a long pause. She had been searching deep within herself not just for an answer, but for the truth. "I mean, he was there for me when I needed someone, but then I can't help but feel that I let him down somehow. You see, we didn't exactly part on the best of terms, but that was my fault." Christy paused again trying to be as honest with herself as she could. This was not an easy task considering that she had told herself so many lies the truth was more of a hazy fog than an absolute. "Well, maybe that ain't quite right. The truth might be closer to the fact that I got mad, I got so mad in fact that I ain't talked to him for near on a decade." Christy said with her shoulders slumped and defeated. Jennifer's expression and body language had softened to the woman's explanation. In that moment she understood her and just maybe she felt that they might have more in common than she first thought.

"I guess that sounds a little silly, don't it?" Christy said as she thought about it. Actually, hearing the words and hearing herself try to explain it just made her sound like a freak. Maybe I am a freak. She was ashamed of herself and realized for the first time how awkward this must be. "I'm...sorry, I'm sorry I bothered you. I...I need to get going." She said as she turned to quickly walk away.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Jennifer yelled fumbling with her seat belt and trying to get out of the car all at the same time. She stood just outside the driver's side door and yelled again stopping Christy in her tracks. "Is that all true? I mean...everything that you said about you and my dad. Was that all true?"

"I'm afraid so," Christy said as she lowered her head.

"How long did you know my father?"

"5 years," she said without even batting an eye. Jennifer considered it for a moment and then played it out in her mind. There were risks, but then again there are always risks in life and today seemed like a good day to chance it. This woman was down and out, but she obviously had a story and now Jennifer desperately wanted to hear it.

"It's still pretty cold. Why don't you warm up in the car?" Christy gave a slight grin and began to walk back.

"Thank you," she said as Jennifer unlocked the door to let her in.

### Chapter 10

When Christy got in the car, it was her hands that first grabbed Jennifer's attention. She couldn't help herself from looking. Christy's nails were bitten short and dirty with a sheen of yellow tar. Her fingers were long and lean with knobby knuckles and no rings. Her veins bulged from beneath weathered wrinkles and the rest of her hands were worn and rough. They seemed to tell a story about her life, but up to this point it didn't appear to be happy tale. They were a microcosm of her life; abused, worried, and older far beyond their years. Jennifer caught a glance at her own hands for comparison. Manicured nails and smooth moisturized skin told a very different story. What does this say about me? Nothing, she mused. Most would probably say she has a good life, and might even go as far as to say that it was easy, but those people only look at the surface. Her marriage, friends, and yes, even money were problems that affected her just as deeply as anyone else. In fact, it was probably worse in her case because she had so much more to lose. The thought stopped her cold as she listened to herself. She could feel the hypocrisy. Maybe those hands were just her reaction to a desperate, mad world. It doesn't mean anything. What makes a person the way they are...choices, nature/nurture, or something else? It has to be more than that. There are too many intangibles for it to be wrapped up so neat and tidy. If their situations or their circumstances were reversed, would she fair much better? Maybe in the grand scheme of things, this woman could have been something amazing. The terror of their initial encounter and the emotional drain had taken its toll on Jennifer. Now that her adrenaline was beginning to wane she began to feel herself shrink into a deep sadness. She focused unblinking at her own hands on the steering wheel. They were a lie, and she looked at them as if they were not her own. They certainly got the best. She pampered them with professionals, indulged them in pharmacology, and dressed them for show, but that's all they were; for show just like the rest of her. Her whole life was a show, and the shallowness of it made her sick. She looked at the woman beside her, and what she saw was someone who looked exactly the way she felt.

She let that thought sink in for a moment and she felt a connection that had not been there before. She had been terribly quick to judge and that bothered her now almost to the point of overcorrecting to the other side of the spectrum. The fact is it seemed clear now this woman knew her father. Her words about him repeated themselves through her mind. It was true he didn't talk much about what happened on the road, and she always figured it was because it was boring and there wasn't anything to tell. Now it seems he had his own reasons, and that idea intrigued Jennifer to no end. Who had he met out there on those thousands of miles he had traveled? Jennifer had to know everything, every single detail. The anxious tension made her shift in her seat, which brought her crashing back to reality as she noticed the woman sitting beside her; looking at her; with the door closed.

"Oh I'm sorry...I must have zoned out for a moment." Jennifer said a little embarrassed, as she had no idea how long she had been sitting there waiting on her to come out of it.

"That's alright," she said with a warm smile. "My names Christy," the woman said as she held out her hand.

"I'm Jennifer," she said, taken aback by the gesture. It seemed odd to her and it took a moment for her to react, but when she did she shook the woman's hand firmly the way she had always been told. It was interesting but awkward in the confines of the car. However, not as awkward as the pregnant and some what painful pause that came after. It was Jennifer's car. It was her dime, so Christy decided it was up to Jennifer to make the first move. She on the other hand kept waiting for Christy to say something, anything, but all she did was just sit there and stare at her. Finally, when the silence became too painful Jennifer just blurted out the first thing that came to her mind.

"I'm starved. Are you hungry? I'm hungry. I haven't had anything all day," she said, as it sounded absolutely ridiculous to her own ears.

"Me too," she said with a grin.

"Great. Why don't we go out some place, and you tell me about my dad," Jennifer said as she made a U-turn to head back toward the exit. "You know, he never talked much about what happened on the road. In fact, he didn't talk much about work at all. I mean, when he was home, it was all about being home and everything else just faded into the distance." She said, remembering the good times they had as a family. "Are you from around here?"

"Close enough, I guess. I'm not exactly tied to any particular place, but I did grow up just South of here."

"Really? I grew up around here as well..., but I suppose you already knew that. Anyways, I live in Atlanta now."

"Wow, you like it down there?"

"I do..." she said, trying to match Christy's excitement. "I mean, there's always something to do, but with it being such a big place, it's definitely got some disadvantages. In fact, to be honest, I think I like it better here."

"I can understand that. I reckon I could be anywhere I wanted to be and I'm still here. I don't know why, but I'm here," Christy said as she lied to Jennifer and not for the first time. Jennifer for her part wasn't sure how to respond to that and let her words breeze on by.

"So, do you know of any good places to eat around here?"

"It's up to you, but there's a pretty good place just up the road to the right," Christy said as she indicated the direction.

"Ok," Jennifer pulled up to the exit and hit her turn signal. She waited a moment and then pulled out quickly, merging into traffic.

### Chapter 11

"How far down is this place?" Jennifer asked, breaking another long silence.

"It's a good ways. You won't have to worry about it for a while. I'll let you know when we get close," Christy said absently as she stared out the passenger window. In some strange way it reminded Jennifer of her mother – that look that said she had so much on her mind that she could barely sort through it. Christy's mood had clearly changed as the time grew nearer when she would have to deliver on her promise.

"So how did you meet him?" Jennifer asked as Christy had not been expecting the question and as a result it hung in the air for a moment. Christy looked over at her and then back toward the window.

"That's a good question. In fact, that's a real good question." Christy said as she stalled for time. "I've been thinking about that ever since I got in your car." She sighed deeply. "You see, telling you what I know about your daddy ain't as easy as you may think. It's a long story and...complicated I guess you could say. It's not just what he did for me that's important. It's the understandin' of why he did it and the kind of person he was. That's the hardest part to put into words, but that's the part that I figure you really need to hear the most. Does that make any sense at all?" She was frustrated at her apparent inability to express herself.

"I think so," Jennifer said. She had no idea what Christy was talking about, but the way she said it made her nervous as to what secrets she was waiting to reveal. This was going to be extremely good or extremely bad and Jennifer was now more anxious than ever to figure out which one it was going to be. "I think I understand where you're going, but at least tell me this. Was he a good man?" Jennifer asked with hesitation. The question took Christy by surprise, and then she thought she understood what Jennifer was trying to get at.

"No, don't be scared. It ain't like that at all. To be honest it's totally the other way around. Your daddy was..." Christy paused as she pushed down the tears. "Well, I'll tell you what he was, but to do that I got tell you a lot about me. That's the only way I reckon I can make it all make sense. Is that fair enough?" She said with a smile.

"Fair enough," said Jennifer. She held back what she really wanted to say and returned the woman's smile. This was just one of those things where she would have to be patient and just let the situation play itself out.

"All right then, back to my original problem; where to begin," Christy said as she thought about it for a moment. "I guess it all begins with momma. I told you I grew up South of here. Well, the name of that place is Iron City." Christy noticed that Jennifer didn't give any sign of recognition at the name, but that was no surprise. "I don't reckon you've ever heard of it; not too many people have. There ain't a whole lot there to write home about, but like most other places they have good folks and bad, but momma was a whole other class. She was always good to me. I just wish I coulda figured that out before it was too late. I made her life a lot harder than she ever deserved. In fact, I made a lot of people's lives hard. 'Juvenile delinquent' was the exact words they used to describe me back then, and all I thought I was doing was just having a little fun. I have to give her credit though; she tried to get me to see the light. Stay in school, study hard, or some day you'll wish you had. Oh, I heard it all – you know, all the stuff parents are supposed to tell their young'uns – but I didn't want any part of it. I told her that to her face every time she brought it up. I called her every name under the sun, but you know what? She never stopped trying." Christy said, as the respect for her mother came through in her voice. "I ain't proud of how I treated her. I regret that more than anything else, and especially when I think about how hard she worked to take care of me." Christy took a deep breath. It had been a long time since she had thought about any of this. "You see she worked as a cleaning lady at the High School, and that was some job. She had to clean some of the most God-forsaken bathrooms there ever was. I'll tell you one thing: can't nobody make a bigger mess of things than a bunch of teenagers. Just when she thought she had seen it all, they would come up with something new and nasty.

If that wasn't bad enough, she also had to take it from them teachers. Don't get me wrong. Not all of them was bad, but some of them were just downright mean."

"Why was that? Why would teachers give your mom any grief?" Jennifer asked.

"Oh that's easy. They hated her because of me or because they didn't like anybody, but mostly it was me. I mean there were always some of them that would strut around that place like they owned it, with their noses stuck so high in the air they would drown if it rained. It must've been the highlight of their day to put my momma in her place. Then things got even worse when I became a freshman. They had already heard stories from the middle school and that reputation had beaten me there by years. So when I finally arrived they were ready for the worst, and I'll tell you right now I sure didn't disappoint them. Now, mind you I wasn't there a whole lot, but when I was there I was hell on wheels," Christy said with a smirk. "Them teachers would go to momma just a raisin' Cain about me. Disrespect for authority, they would tell her. I didn't know the meaning of them words and there weren't nothing my momma, that dummy they called a principle, or the law could do about it."

"Why didn't she quit?" asked Jennifer. "She could have got another job. I mean, any job sounds like it would be better than putting up with all that."

"That's a good question. I know I wouldn't have put up with it, but momma wasn't like that. It was just her way. I only think there was one time in her whole life when she quit something. She just didn't give up on things. She never quit on me, and she never quit trying to do the best she could at whatever it was. No matter how much trouble they gave her, momma kept that High School spick and span; but it sure did take a lot out of her. She would be there by sunup and stay until eight or nine at night. She always looked exhausted, but I don't ever recall her complaining about it. To this day, I don't see how she ever kept going. Momma had a lot of heart I reckon, a heart that wouldn't let her stop. Here, you'll want to get over in the right lane. It should just be a little bit further."

"Ok," Jennifer said as she checked her mirrors and changed lanes.

"Some people said momma must have been crazy, and to be honest looking back at her family there was definitely some crazy stuff going on. I think it was her daddy that was one of them old time back woods country preachers. Now, he was a little crazy, and by little, I mean he was a lot crazy. He must've been one of those fire and brimstone types. They said he was good at what he did, but they also said he was haunted by voices. Some of the old folks even said he had a demon inside. I don't know much about that, but toward the end of his life, I think the voices must have got too loud for him or something. He eventually went missing and the last time anyone ever saw him alive they said he was walking into the woods just a-mumbling to himself about something, nobody knows what.

"That's awful, did they ever find him?"

"Nope, they never found hide nor hair, but I don't think momma's family was that much worse off because of it. They had a farm, and apparently my grand daddy wasn't exactly what you would call a worker, and the preachin' didn't bring in much money, so having one less thing to worry about was a relief to grandma. After he left, though, momma left school and started working on the farm full-time. She never went any further than sixth grade, but life on the farm made her strong. By no means was it an easy way to live, but it was simple. They always knew what needed to be done and they always did it. Momma, I think, always seemed a little sad though when she talked about those days – like she wished she could go back there again. I think those were the good times for her when she felt the world actually made sense." Christy paused, as she thought about it for a moment. "In time, momma grew up, but as she did she didn't grow up with any kind of understandin' about people or how the rest of the world works. It was bound to happen of course when she latched on to this boy from town. She had no idea what she was getting herself into. He was sweet to her and all, but he wasn't exactly what you would call a one-woman type. Momma was like that. She would let people into her life, and they would just take what they want and then leave her to pick up the pieces. That boy was no different. He strung her along for years and one day, poof he was gone. She got real torn up about it because she didn't have any idea what happened to him. She went even so far as to report him missing. Poor Sheriff Blaylock probably didn't know whether to laugh or cry, she was so pitiful. But in the end he had to be the one to set her down and tell her like it was. That boy had run off and married some other girl."

"That's terrible!"

"Yes, but what I think made it worse was that it didn't just break her heart; I reckon it broke her spirit, too. She loved him so much, and when he left I don't think she was ever the same after that. The farm wasn't the same either. The thought of hanging around there just reminded her of what she had lost. I suppose it was then that she made up her mind to get out of there and that's exactly what she did."

"Where did she go?"

"Oh it was some big city like Chicago or New York. I can't remember exactly which one she said though, but I think it was New York." Christy tried to recall, but it wouldn't come back to her. "Anyway, she caught a Greyhound out of town the next week and she was gone."

"Wow! That took some guts."

"It did, but not as much as surviving in the big city and bright lights. She never did give me any details as to how she got by, but I can't imagine it was anything good. The little bit of money she took with her probably didn't last very long, so I don't reckon she was too proud of what she had to do to survive, but she did it. It took six months for her to either get it out of her system or to get over her pride enough to come home. Needless to say, she hadn't left on exactly the best of terms with her family. She was more than a little scared they wouldn't want her back, but she was dead wrong about that. She always cried when she talked about it. Apparently, that homecoming was one of the happiest days of her life." Christy said as she examined the road ahead. "I'm sorry I guess it's a little further down than I thought. It shouldn't be much longer. Just whenever you see the yellow sign for the Waffle House go ahead and turn in."

"Waffle House," Jennifer thought at first, but then ended up just shrugging it off. Today she would go with the flow for once and see where it takes her.

"Now where was I, oh that's right coming home? So, my momma, being all of 17 years old, gets off this bus for her happy reunion, but when she does she ain't alone. Not only is she holding this guy's hand, but she's also got a bun in the oven.

"Are you serious?" Jennifer asked, and Christy just nodded her head. "I bet that was a shock for her parents."

"You better believe it, but they were so happy to see her, nothing else mattered. She told them that her and this guy Henry were already married, but her parents arranged for a public ceremony at church of course just for their benefit if you know what I mean." Christy said with a smirk.

"They wanted to make sure everything was legal."

"You got it, and Henry, bless his heart was more than willing to oblige. Henry was a simple guy and together they had a whole lot in common. He was steady and hardworking, and momma's folks even found a house for them a little bit up the road. He wasn't from the city. He was a hayseed too just like momma, but he had been there for a lot longer. For momma, coming home was like coming back from a weekend getaway. It was like she had never left, and for the first time since she had been gone, she was able to relax and enjoy life again. Henry was a natural with the farm, but after a while his temper started to get real short and he seemed restless all the time. I reckon he got that city in his blood and once it was there it was hard to go back to the farm. All the reasons he left Nebraska in the first place were still there. It just wasn't his cup of tea no matter how good he was at it." Christy thought for a moment. "You know I wish I could have met him. I would like to have known my real daddy. I think I would have liked him. He was the only decent man my momma ever had around. It's just my luck though he was a little before my time. Yep, good old Henry loved momma, and he wasn't going to leave her or run off on me. So one day he told momma that he needed to talk. There were some things that had to change." Christy cut her story short as they pulled into the parking lot.

### Chapter 12

As soon as Jennifer walked into the restaurant, the thick air tickled her noise. The grease and moisture blended together to form a dull haze Jennifer could actually see. The sunlight illuminated everything as it penetrated the large windows around the restaurant. The air, though, was not as distracting as the sounds that greeted her. Metal spatulas banging against grill, plate, and pan mixed with the noise of patrons creating a raucous cacophony. The truck drivers sitting along the counter were reacquainting themselves over belly laughs and animated conversations. A knot tightened in Jennifer's stomach as she tried not to look at the cooks busy behind the counter and followed Christy to a corner booth against the far left wall. Walking behind her now, Jennifer noticed that Christy was a little taller than she had realized. Her whole body seemed more relaxed and confident as she strode into a place where she was at least familiar and comfortable. This was definitely her element, and the thought, as strange as it was, helped Jennifer to relax. She took a deep breath and forced her shoulders back from the nervous stoop she had unconsciously developed. When they got to the booth Christy took off her jacket and slung it into the seat and hopped in like she was coming home. Jennifer for her part paused for a beat, but before her hesitation could draw attention she took the plunge avoiding the duct tape repair job on the side and settled down in the middle of the seat. Christy had a huge grin as she reached over for a menu pinned against the wall by a black napkin holder. Jennifer followed close behind, reaching for one as well. The menu itself was a long sheet of laminated paper printed on both sides. As Jennifer scanned the selections, she could see the greasy film that made it sticky to her fingers as she turned it over to look at the back. The first side had been all breakfast and the back contained both lunch and dinner entrees, side items, as well as the drinks and meals for seniors. Jennifer could almost feel the plaque hardening within her arteries as she looked over the pictures. She turned it back over to breakfast and went down the list one more time. As she held the menu she glanced over at Christy who had a smirk like a kid up to no good. She knew Jennifer would be picking up the tab on this one and there was no way she was going to miss the opportunity. She was going to ride this gravy train for all it was worth. In fact, the possibilities were so wide open she had a little trouble making up her mind. Jennifer could tell she was on the Lunch/Dinner side as she watched her eyes dart from one item to another.

"Can I get you ladies anything to drink?" a waitress asked as she pulled a small pad from her apron pocket filled with a few straws and a bottle of ketchup. She tried to be cheery, but her eyes screamed that she was at the end of her shift.

"I think I'm ready if you are?" Christy said as she laid the menu down with confidence and looked at Jennifer.

"Ok, you go first." Jennifer said. As Christy's excitement amused her.

"Alright, what can I get for you?" The waitress said as she adjusted her grip on the pad switching gears quickly from drinks to taking an order.

"I would like a double cheese burger, hash browns and I'd like 'em," she looked down at the menu double checking the verbiage, "scattered, chunked, smothered, and covered. Oh, and a Coke to drink." The waitress never flinched and took it all in knowingly. Jennifer turned her own menu over to look at what all that meant. She smiled as she tried to imagine what they would look like coming out on a plate with onions and peppers, ham, cheese and chili. "Hey, and go ahead and add some bacon to that burger." Christy caught Jennifer's expression. "A burger just ain't complete without a little bacon." She said with a wry grin.

"I understand completely. You order whatever you want." Jennifer said as she raised her hand in a conciliatory gesture. Jennifer could see now that she and her father would have gotten along great. She has an easy spirit and a taste for her father's five favorite food groups; beef, bacon, cheese, potatoes, and chili. Now, that's what he considered a well-rounded meal.

"And you, miss...?" the waitress said, turning her attention to Jennifer.

"I'll have the grilled chicken salad with fat free ranch dressing."

"Anything to drink?" the waitress asked, still writing.

"Diet Coke please"

"Alright, I'll be right back with those drinks," she said just before she turned around and headed back behind the counter.

"See? This place ain't so bad."

"No, I don't think it is either," Jennifer said as she returned Christy's warm expression while at the same time reaching into her purse for a small bottle of hand sanitizer. She squeezed out a little and began to rub it over her hands as Christy continued her story.

"So...my real daddy figured there was only one way he could do right by everybody and still do what he felt like he had to. Of course, momma knew how unhappy he was. So one night when he told her he needed to talk about a few things she was pretty scared. She had no idea what he was going to say, but all of the things she could imagine were none too good. So, he keeps talkin' and talkin' but not really saying anything, which only made her even more nervous than she was before. After he built things up so much and wound her up so tight she was about to scream, he finally decided to come out with it. He told her he was going to join the Army. Momma never saw that one coming, and she was so happy that he didn't say any of the crazy things she was thinking that what he did say never really sank in. On the other hand he was so surprised that she wasn't mad he didn't know what to say either. He was just as pleased as punch that this had gone so well. He expected lots of yelling and crying, and in fact it ended up being just the opposite. He went to bed that night feeling pretty good about himself. There was only one problem. It had taken him all day to get up the nerve to talk to momma about his plan, which meant that it was late in the evening when he finally sprung the news on her. So that meant momma had all night to stew on it and roll it around in her head. The next morning as it turned out she wasn't so happy about this big idea after all. In fact, she woke up so mad at him she could hardly see straight. Once she got a chance to get down to doing all the figuring, it became real clear real quick that there weren't much difference between him leaving for the Army and him just leaving. Even though history would prove her wrong, she was stuck on the idea that she wasn't leaving that farm again until they put her in a pine box. She told him right then that he just jolly well better call a spade a spade. He was leaving her and there were no two ways about it.

"What did he have to say about that?"

"Momma said the ifs and buts were just a flying out of his mouth. She said she had never seen anyone try to talk himself out of a corner as fast as he did. See, he figured she would be as mad as a wet hen when he broke the news to her. So, the day before he worked up all kinds of reasons and answers to be ready for her. The problem was he didn't get to use any of his material because she had been so happy. Well, now when he needed it he couldn't hardly remember a thing." Christy said with a laugh.

"Here you go," the waitress said as she set their drinks down in front of them. They both nodded their appreciation, but Christy didn't waste any time ripping the paper off the straw and diving in. She sucked down half the glass before she came up for air and then acted like it was nothing.

"Oh man so the war was on. They fussed and fought for the rest of the day. When they were both about ready to give up Henry finally drops the last bomb. He tells her the last bit of news he's been holding back." Christy paused for effect. "He had already signed the papers. He told her that it was a done deal and no amount of fussin' by her was going to change that. He would be shipping out for Georgia in a few weeks and that was that. Now, you think she was mad before. Well, he hadn't seen mad yet until he pulled that little trick. The rest of that she week was pretty tough on him, but when it came down to the week before he left, she softened up a whole lot. I don't know if she knew already, I mean deep down inside, or if she could sense it. When he left I don't think she ever expected to see him again after he shipped out, and that's exactly what happened.

"What happened?" Jennifer asked with concern.

"The big dummy lit a cigarette even after he knew better. That was like a snipers wet dream in Nam. They zeroed in on that glowing cherry and put a bullet right through his head."

"Oh my God, that's horrible."

"It was pretty bad, but then again he was pretty stupid. He was stupid for leaving momma; stupid for joining the Army during Vietnam; and most of all stupid for lighting up a smoke at night in the middle of the jungle. I never knew him so I can't be too torn up about it, but I do wish he had made some better choices. If he had stayed on the farm I probably wouldn't be here right now and things would have turned out a whole lot different. Also, if he hadn't of left momma, she wouldn't have met someone else."

"So your mom remarried then?"

"Oh yeah she did, and he was really something else too. See, she thought I wouldn't grow up right without a man in the house or some such nonsense. When I was about four, momma met this guy and after a while it turned serious. I think she just liked the attention and he sure did pour it on. Oh it was flowers and fine restaurants and everything else you can imagine. Momma fell for it hook, line, and sinker. Whatever he said went, and when he said 'marry me' it was a done deal."

"I take it then things didn't last." Jennifer said with a look that understood how people could change.

"You better believe it. I mean it was like night and day. To say this guy was useless would be an insult to useless people everywhere. He called himself a mechanic, but I never saw him lift a finger to do anything. He was the worst kind of low-life imaginable. He weren't nothin' more than a leach that took pride in sucking the life and soul out of people; and that's exactly what he did to momma. There toward the end, if it hadn't been for her job, I think the depression would have eaten her up completely, and for all I know it might have." Christy dropped her head as she remembered those days. "He told momma shortly after they got married that he got hurt and couldn't do his job anymore. Well, 11 years later he was still sitting in the same nasty old recliner. He never touched anything around the house. He just sat there like a big blob, but that wasn't the worst of it by a country mile. When he got hurt was also when he started testing the waters to see what he could get away with. He always had a bit of a temper, but it wasn't until after they were hitched that he went beyond a little push here and a shove there. Now all of a sudden that push turned into an occasional slap and then the slap into a real back hand and on it went."

"How long did this go on?" Jennifer asked, looking appalled.

"It never stopped. Stuff like that don't never stop unless something happens to stop it. Once it gets going you best just get out of the way."

"Did your mom ever call the police?"

"Everybody always says that when they haven't been through it. She did...a few times when she got scared enough, but that was pretty rare. Calling them just made him madder for the next go round."

"So why didn't she leave him? Why do people always stay with someone who abuses them?"

"Oh that's an easy one. She stayed 'cause she loved him."

"Love," Jennifer said incredulously.

"That's right, Love. She loved him, I mean that's what they all say, ain't it? Then again it's got to be some twisted kind of love that keeps bringing them back every single time. While I was around, she was never going to leave him. That's how she was, and that's how it was going to be."

"Did he ever..." Jennifer tried to ask, but she hesitated and stopped short unable to finish the sentence.

"A few times," Christy said letting her off the hook, "but he never did much to me." Momma protected me when I was young and then when I got older I wasn't around. Me and him also had a few conversations when momma wasn't there that kind of settled things. They were typically short and sweet and to the point. He didn't like me and I sure as heck hated him. I guess you could say we had what they call an understanding. Plus, I don't think it hurt that deep down I think he was a little afraid of me. He had to sleep some time, and I think he knew I wasn't like momma and might just do something that he might not live long enough to regret." Jennifer looked a little nervous at that. "Not that I would have," Christy said to make Jennifer feel better even though she had told him as much to his face. "He just thought I might and the thought of it was good enough. Anyways, at that point I didn't figure I would be around for much longer. I just didn't know how right I was."

### Chapter 13

"Double bacon cheese burger and hash browns with everything." The waitress said as she sat the plate down in front of Christy, "and a salad for you miss."

"Thank you," Jennifer said as she smiled back at the waitress.

"I'll bring you another Coke." She said indicating Christy's glass. "Is there anything else I can get you?"

"Nope, I think that'll do," Christy said as she packed the ice down with her straw as the waitress turned to leave. She then proceeded to slurp down what remnants were left at the bottom of the glass and attacked the burger. She had to hold it with both hands and even then she had some difficulty getting her mouth around it, but that didn't stop her for long. Jennifer tried not to stare and focused her attention on her salad. The dressing was on the side just the way she liked it. The lettuce was starting to brown a little on the edges, but it still looked pretty good. Jennifer was mildly impressed, all things considered, and poured the dressing in concentric circles over the top. The tomatoes were sliced a little large, so she took her knife cutting them up smaller while at the same time mixing the salad. By the time Jennifer was ready to eat she looked back at Christy and the burger had all but vanished. Another Coke had also materialized, and Christy had downed half of that as well.

With the burger gone it appeared that Christy felt like she could take the time to savor and enjoy her hash browns. Jennifer took a fork full of salad into her mouth and couldn't help but stare. You could tell from the edges that it was hash browns, but that was the only indication. The vast majority of it was covered in a thick layer of chili. Christy began to mix it in and turn over the piled layers in reverence. As she did so Jennifer could see what else lay beneath. It was an absolute mess and Jennifer marveled at how she could eat that and still call it good. She went back to her salad; the crisp texture of the grilled chicken was surprisingly tasty.

A different waitress this time set down another full glass of Coke and took away the empties. There was still about half of her hash brown mess left, but Christy looked like she would have to let some of it settle before she could finish the rest.

"Skipping school," she said as she took a swig from the fresh glass. "There ain't no kid that never did anything but get in trouble, skipping school, and that's exactly what happened to me. I was down at the Texaco just hangin' out one sunny day when this stud muffin rolled up in a black Thunderbird," Christy said slowly as she relived the memory. "It's kind of funny now, because if the same thing happened to me today I would probably think the guy was small time. Oh, but back then, my whole world stopped. This guy had a pull on me like I ain't felt since, and when he said 'you want to go for a ride?' I was all over it. Even after all these years I can still remember the way he said those words," Christy paused again as she savored the moment. "Anyways, that first day was amazing and if I could get stuck repeating the same day over and over again like they do in the movies, that day is pretty high on my list."

"What about it made it so great?"

"See, that's the thing; we didn't do much at all. That car of his was a T-top, and when he drove, he drove it as fast as it would go. I'm sure that's not how it really was but, man it sure did feel like it at the time. We drove and kept on driving and the air whipped through my hair and with it all the cares of the world just blew away with the wind. We also talked a little here and there. He was 22 and was what he called an 'independent businessman.' I wasn't sure exactly what that meant, but it sure did sound important and that was good enough for me."

"So what happened?" Jennifer asked suspiciously, but also almost afraid of the question.

"Not much really. That ride was pretty tame. He dropped me back off at the Texaco just before dark and asked if I would be there again tomorrow. I said yes and he just smiled and drove off. The next day my butt was back in front of that store. When he rolled up again I couldn't jump in that car fast enough. I was 15 at the time, and it may seem kind of weird now, but at the time I didn't see anything wrong with at all. He had a place a few towns to the North and much closer to Nashville where he did most of his business. On the third day he drove me by my house, and I left a note in the mailbox and that was that.

"You ran away?"

"Yes I did, and never looked back. I had always been dreamin' about a way out of there and old Johnny gave me just that. There were strings of course, but I didn't think much about those either. He offered me a whole new life that didn't include my family and anything else that went with it, and to me that was a pretty good deal."

"Oh my goodness! What did you do?"

"What do you think I did? I did whatever he asked me to do." Christy sighed as she saw the look on Jennifer's face. "No, most of it wasn't like that. Well, some of it was, but it was only really bad at first. He kept most of his business dealings to himself and his so called business partners, but after a month he began to trust me and that's when I reckon I started to become more than just a play thing. Then later on he began to trust me more and more, and before I knew it I was a full-blown member of the gang. By the end of the second month I was helping to do it all. It got to be my job to cut it, weigh it, and bag it up."

"Weren't you scared to get mixed up with a drug dealer?"

"It didn't faze me in the least. I had started using a little by then and the need for the stuff gave me an extra push to stay in line. He knew it, too – which is why he probably started me on it in the first place. My memories aren't all that clear so I can't be sure what all I did. It was like I was day-dreaming or something, but what I do remember...I ain't exactly proud of."

"How long did this go on?"

"Not a long time I guess, about three months or so." Christy thought about it for a second. She wasn't quite sure how to say it so she just said it. "I got pregnant, you see, and that has a way of changin' your way of thinking. When I was first late I didn't know what to think and that kind of fear will sober a person up real fast. So the next time Johnny passed out with his buddies I lifted a twenty from his wallet and walked to an all night drug store down the street. When I got back I went to the bathroom and sure enough it came back positive. Now that's when I really started getting nervous. As you can imagine Johnny wasn't exactly the fatherly type and I didn't think he would think too much about my current condition.

"What did you do?" Jennifer said before she thought about it. The words seemed so stupid as she heard herself say it, she regretted it instantly. "I mean, I couldn't imagine being in that situation." She said trying to recover.

"It wasn't easy. I'll tell you that, and to be honest I locked myself in that bathroom and just sat there rolling the whole thing over and over in my mind. I kept hoping it was just a dream or something. I remember closing my eyes and holding them shut tight as hard as I could and then I would open them up real big and wide hoping that I would wake up. I wanted to wake up more than I had ever wanted anything in my life." Christy became lost in thought staring down at the table. The pain and frustration and who knows how many other feelings where beginning to come through in Christy's face. Jennifer could tell she was reliving the experience. Jennifer's stomach knotted as the silence was becoming too intense.

"I was on that toilet for so long both of my legs fell asleep so bad I couldn't stand up. I kept staring at that stupid stick but my options weren't gettin' any better." Christy rubbed her eyes and sighed. "I reckon in the grand scheme of things I was probably pretty dumb. I kept expecting things to all of a sudden be different. Like I could do it all over again and make better choices. I did learn that much at least. I had made my bed and now I was going to have to lay in it whether I liked it or not. I was just a kid, I didn't have any money, and I certainly didn't have any place to go."

"What about your mom? I know your dad could probably have cared less, but wouldn't your mother want you back?

"Well, you're right. I did still have momma, but in my own mind I guess I still thought about that as a last resort. I knew enough about him to know that Johnny wouldn't want me around anymore, but the more I thought about it, the more I convinced myself that he loved me. I thought that if he loved me as much as I loved him, he would have to love our baby even more. It made so much sense at the time. I would tell him and he would be so happy and everything that I was worried about would be all right and nothing would have to change." She said as the sarcasm dripped from her words.

"I take it that things didn't exactly work out that way...?"

"Nope, that would be putting it lightly," Christy paused, carefully selecting and weighing her words. She seemed to be debating the options, and when she began again, she appeared firm in her decision.

"I think I'll spare you the details. Let me just say it was ugly."

"Ugly?" Jennifer said not sure what she meant.

"Ugly...so ugly he even made my daddy look good. To this day I'm not sure what set him off. I reckon he just didn't want it to be his fault. He was so weird about it. It was like it was a joke or something. He even laughed at me. Laughed in my face. He just kept laughing that is until I showed him the stick. I wasn't trying to make him mad or nothing I just wanted him to know that I wasn't making it all up. It wasn't a joke. I just wanted him to know that I was telling him the truth. I suppose when it became real to him and he couldn't just shrug it off anymore is when he turned on me."

"That's when it got ugly?"

"Oh yes, but it's always ugly when a man turns on you. That look in their eye when their face turns a certain way and you know right then what's coming. He got up from his chair and came at me yelling every Godforsaken name he could think of. I think he even made up a few and the closer he got the faster they spewed out of his mouth. It got to where they stopped being words; it just all melted together like some vicious roar. I don't know how else to describe it." Christy shook her head as she remembered the experience, and then just as quickly she pushed it out of her mind. "Anyways, I guess since he couldn't see that baby being his, it had to be someone else's. Even though he knew just about every move I made, that didn't matter. All that mattered I reckon is that he hurt me for whatever I did wrong." Christy realized she had said a lot more about the experience than she had intended, but it sure felt good. It had been a long time since she had really talked about her life with anyone. It was nice, but she could see the worry on Jennifer's face. It just didn't make much sense to Christy to make yourself feel good by making someone else feel bad. It didn't seem right somehow. She decided to cut it short. "So to make a long story short I took a beatin' and I'll spare you the play by play. After I finally woke up I made myself scarce for the next few days. I did my best to stay out of his way and for his part he acted like nothing ever happened. I had wondered how he was going to play it the morning after, and if he wanted to ignore it that was just fine with me."

"I don't understand how anyone can be that way. What did you do about the baby?" Jennifer asked as she was still trying to wrap her mind around everything Christy was telling her.

"I know it seems a little crazy, don't it? Well, whatever peace I had wasn't going to last long. I know how to take care of myself, but that didn't change the fact that there would come a time when that choice wouldn't be mine to make anymore. I wasn't going to let that happen. That morning when I came to, I made up my mind that I was as good as gone. The only thing I needed was time." Christy said with a smirk as she could see Jennifer relax a little. "I needed a few days to heal up and take it easy."

"So what did you do to get away from him?"

"That's easy, I just waited for the weekend. I had a plan. As long as he didn't catch up to me after the fact, things would be smooth sailing. Saturday nights were always big nights for him and the boys. That's when they would have the most money around and the biggest party," Christy said.

Comprehension began to dawn on Jennifer. "You took the money?

"I sure did," she said. "As soon as them boys were all good and passed out, I stuffed a few clothes, a little food, and all the cash I could find into a duffle, and I was out the door.

"They would have killed you if they had found you."

"You're right about that – and then some. They would have killed me twice if they could."

"How did you get away?"

"I picked up a pay phone down the block and called the cops on them for insurance. While they were occupied I just kept walking with my thumb out hoping to catch a ride. I didn't care where I was headed. I just wanted to get away. I didn't know it at the time, but where it would lead me was right to your daddy."

### Chapter 14

"Really, is that how you met him?" Jennifer said with more than just a little disbelief.

"That's right. I bet you never figured he had a thing for hitch hikers."

"No," Jennifer said with an odd look. "He never said anything about it. Are you telling me he picked up people all the time?"

"Absolutely," Christy said as if it was no big deal.

"Then that would be why he never mentioned it. I mean that's, well, you know dangerous isn't it?"

"Well, life's all about taking chances. There's a little danger in everything. For your daddy it was just his way of taking care of those in need. I even asked him that same question one time: if he thought he was taking his life in his own hands. Then again I don't recall him ever giving me a straight answer," Christy said as her mind began to wander. Jack always seemed to enjoy testing himself against the fates. It was strange, but the idea made Christy bring up a mental image of snake handlers. She imagined all those people trying to prove themselves to each other and maybe even prove to God the power of their faith. Maybe picking up all those hitch hikers was just his version of snakehandling, just his way of proving himself. Then again maybe Jack just did what he did because he thought it was the right thing to do. "To be honest I don't think he really ever knew why he did it, but the truth of the matter is that when other people just drove by he was the one that would stop to see if he could help. That's gotta say something about a person and I hope you realize what it means." Christy said as Jennifer nodded with a smile. She paused briefly giving Jennifer a minute to take all in.

"All right, so there I was, thumbing my way toward Nashville. Now that I'm more than twice as old as I was back then, I can't imagine what I must have looked like. Some runaway kid, bruised as I was, standing out there in the dark trying to catch a ride. I was so stupid, but more than that I think I was lucky. Well, I mean I know I was lucky, but I'm thankful Jack was the one that picked me up instead of some cop."

"I was thinking that," Jennifer said. "A cop would be more likely to pick you up than someone stopping to give you a ride."

"You better believe it. A cop would have put a damper on things real fast. I could have played the runaway bit pretty good, but I sure would've had some trouble explaining away the cash."

"Yeah, I can see where that would have been a problem."

"Thankfully, it never came to that. I wasn't out there for too long before this big ole blue Caddy pulled over just in front of me. I tell you I was so excited when it stopped, I ran to the passenger window. I'll never forget the first words he said to me.

'You look like you could use some help.' And that right there is how it all started. He never asked me where I was going. He just knew by looking at me that I needed to be some place safe, and that's exactly what he did for me," Christy said reliving that wonderful sense of comfort and security she felt in his car. She never worried about him. Not once. He just had a look that told her everything was going to be ok. It was a peace she had rarely felt and would trade anything in the world to have again. "Your daddy was a good man, Jennifer, and I hope you realize it. I know I may not look like much now, but I doubt I would even be alive if it wasn't for him." Christy had meant those words out of respect and appreciation, but as she heard herself say them, she began to wonder what he would think if he could see her now. She had let him down, and it was too late for him to grant her any kind of absolution. Then again, in some odd kind of way, she imagined that maybe talking to his daughter might work out to be the same as talking to the man himself? Her words that she wasn't much to look at rang in her ears. Her relapse back into the world that she had left as a teenager weighed heavily upon her. Her memories and experiences flooded through her consciousness. The events of her late teens had thrown her whole world upside down. It was like her brain just switched off or something. All the lessons he tried to teach her and all the advice and wisdom she had so freely accepted just flew right out the window. She felt so stupid, so very, very stupid. What did it matter if she was alive if she chose not to live a real and complete life? Nothing, since those years with Jack, had anything mattered enough to her to take a stand. She consistently took the path of least resistance, which always seemed to lead her to a place she never really wanted to be. If you give up your power to choose your own direction, then you give up all claims to your own fate. Christy was furious with herself for letting this go on for so long. She had done her dead level best to throw away every decent thing Jack had ever done for her.

"Are you ok," Jennifer asked as she looked at Christy with concern.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I was just thinking about something...Where was I? Oh yeah. That blacktop, long and winding. I tucked that duffle under my legs, and we were off down that road; the yellow lines were just snaking out in front of us for as far as the eye could see. It all felt right somehow, like I was right where I needed to be."

"Did he say anything to you?" Jennifer asked, curious to know every word.

"He did, but it was just the usual stuff at first. I introduced myself and he did the same. After the get-to-know-yous, I proceeded to spin a tale that I thought sounded not only good but completely believable. I said something about my daddy beating me and how I finally decided I couldn't take it any more. I was running away to live with my grandma, who was a shut-in. I threw in all kinds of stuff about my real life to help things along. You see, I found out from an early age that the best lies are those with a little truth mixed in."

"And what did he have to say about that?" Jennifer asked with a smile. As a child she had never been able to get anything past her father, and Christy laughed as she recognized Jennifer's knowing expression.

"I can tell you know exactly how far I got with that yarn. Your daddy wasn't bashful about calling me out on it either. He even told me how goofy of a tale it was, and maybe I should just start over with the truth or at least something closer to it. I had been abused; that part was clear enough, but that wasn't the only reason I was out there in the dead of night, trying to thumb a ride."

"Did you come clean then?"

"I didn't tell him everything if that's what you're asking. What I did do was tell him a version close enough to the truth that he couldn't tell the difference," Christy grinned as she thought about the money and the fact that she had conveniently left out that little detail. "After I got done with my story, we just sat there some more and kept on driving. We talked a little bit here and there, but mostly it looked like he was thinking. You know the look I'm talking about, the one that says that he's thinking about how all the pieces are going to fit together. I don't know how he did it, but everything always seemed to work out the way he wanted. As long as I was around him, I never had to worry." Christy dreamed about those times again and longed for those days when it all came so easy. "After a few hours he pulled into the parking lot of this Motel 8. When he parked the car, I looked at him not knowing what was going through his mind."

"I'm not like that, girl, "Jack said, "so get that thought out of your head right now. I'm going to lay things out for you and feel free to stop me if what I say isn't the truth," he said to her and then started ticking his talking points off on his fingers. "Number one, your fifteen years old and where you belong is school, and not on the side of the road or wherever you came from. You're pregnant, and right now that means you have to start taking care of yourself and start taking responsibility for your actions. I know that concept might be a little new to you, but I can help you with that as long as you're willing to help yourself. You at least have to be a little scared right now whether you admit it or not. I know I would be if I were in your shoes. That's just one more reason why you should start making good decisions now because the more good ones you make, the more they lead to even better opportunities in the future. I want to help you, and that's probably going to involve doing some things that you're not comfortable with, but doesn't mean that they're not good for you. Speaking of that, I know you have your reasons for leaving, but eventually you have to go back home, and make things right with your folks. I'm sure your mother misses you like crazy, and it's not right just to leave her hanging. I'm not trying to lay a guilt trip on you or nothing, but every day you're gone and your mother doesn't know where you are, is like another slap to the face. Emotional abuse can be just as painful. I would like to sugar coat it for you, but that's the plain and simple truth of it." He paused for a moment to let her think about it. She was defensive with her arms crossed, but he could tell it was making sense to her.

"The next thing is that you have to let the law do its job. I can tell you don't trust cops, but that's no reason to let your stepfather run rough-shod over your mother. I know you're thinking right now that involving the police is going to make matters worse. Something has to give, Christy, and you have to ask yourself, are things going to get better or worse if you do nothing? At the very least, you'd be standing up to him. Your mom may not want to leave him, but you have to convince her to go to a women's shelter, at least for a few days. Let her see what life can be like without him."

"She ain't gonna go for that."

"Then what will she go for?"

"I don't know, but she ain't gonna go for that." Christy said like it was the stupidest thing she had ever heard. She had puffed herself up all defensive and closed off. He wondered if anything more he could say would make any difference at all.

"I tell you what:" he said, "why don't you just take a break and think about what will work? I've got business in town tomorrow. So, this is what I'm thinking. I'm going to pay for two nights for you in your own room." He reached into his wallet and pulled out a $50 and handed it to her as he spoke. "Here's even a little money for food. Now you have a choice to make, and that choice is going to say a lot about you, Christy. I'm going to step into that motel and get those rooms. If you're here when I get back, then you've decided to enjoy a clean bed, hot water, and maybe even a little TV for two nights. After that two days is up, I'll be in that lobby, drinking coffee until 9:00 AM. If you decide you want to take the next step, you meet me there and I'll take you back home. Then we can see about what needs to happen next. You've got a lot to think about. It may even be so much that you don't even know where to start. Here's my suggestion: start by thinking about what you want your life to be like a year from now and then see if you can't work things backwards from that. Think about what needs to be done to make those things happen. You're a smart girl, Christy, and it's about time you start doing something smart with your life," he said. A moment later he was out of the truck and headed into the motel.

### Chapter 15

"You know that old saying, 'You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make 'em drink?' Well, that's exactly how I felt. I was the horse, and he had me staring right there at a big ole' creek. Then again, I figure that was exactly the way he wanted me to feel. Sure, I thought he was bein' a little preachy, but that didn't change the fact that he was right about me. You know how he was, I mean that way of his of being able to look at you and know exactly what makes you tick, what you're scared of and everything else that goes with it. Like I said before, I never could lie to him completely, but that's another thing too. He wouldn't let me lie to myself either, and that was something I had done for so long I couldn't hardly tell the difference between it and the truth." Christy said and then turned to look out the window. Her thoughts were reflective and distant. "You know, I don't recall even turning on the TV the whole time I was in that motel room. I sure did use the heck out of the hot water though. I can still remember how good it felt. I must have stayed in there for hour's just letting the water flow over me. Everything seemed so much clearer and simple in the steam of that shower. My whole world just seemed to stand still as life took a time out. I slept in and ordered pizza. It was just me, my thoughts, and them four walls, and it was heaven or at least as close as I had ever been. There was no pressure and no stress. I would lie awake on the bed and just play everything out in my mind the way I wanted things to be."

"What about your mom? What did you think about when you thought of her?" Jennifer asked and then Christy acted like she was about to say something before she caught herself and pulled it back.

"Well, at that particular moment I think I had some pretty high hopes. I had already decided that I would let Jack take me back home, but exactly what was going to happen from there was still pretty much up in the air. I didn't believe that momma would leave my step dad. I figured I could take care of myself and if necessary, the man would get a serious dose of his own medicine. Self-defense has all manner of meanings. It don't matter what you do just as long as your life is in danger. Momma had been playing the victim for so long she didn't know how to be anything else. It was about time that changed. Now don't get me wrong: I would call the cops and it would get reported, but I was bound and determined that he wasn't going to lay a hand on her again. I had sat back and let it happen for far too long and those days were done," Christy said. Jennifer leaned forward listening with anticipation.

"Oh my goodness, what happened when you went back home?"

"That's a good question," Christy said, sighing a little. She let the excitement deflate from her body. "I wish something like that had happened, but the real world is hardly ever how we wish it would be. No, the truth was much stranger, but don't let me get ahead of myself. Anyways, Jack was good as his word. On that second morning he was exactly where he said he would be, drinking coffee and reading a paper. He told me that day was all mine, and he would take me wherever I needed to go. I told him I appreciated it and that I thought I was finally ready to go home. The only problem was that home wasn't ready for me." Christy rubbed her eyes, doing a pretty good job of holding back the tears. "We drove back South, talkin' the whole time as we went. I don't know if I was just nervous or what, but I couldn't shut up. I told him all about momma and Johnny and what things might be like when I get home. He told me some things to watch out for and even though I don't recall what he said exactly, I do remember it making me feel a whole lot better." Christy started to drift off into memory again, but then reluctantly came back. "Good things never last forever, and this was no exception. When we pulled up into the driveway I could tell immediately that something was wrong. It was early in the afternoon by this time and there weren't any cars in the driveway. It was the middle of the day, so his car at least should have been there. The fact that it wasn't made me real nervous. I stayed in the car at first as Jack went to go knock on the door, but when there wasn't any answer, he motioned for me to come on over. I did, and we started peeking through the windows and walkin' around the house. There was furniture in there, but not all of it and most of the other stuff was gone. It didn't look like anyone had been around for a good while. In the space of about half an hour I went from nervous to just plain scared. Something bad had happened. I knew it just as surely as I'm sitin' here."

"Did you find out what happened?"

"Yeah, we found out all right. Jack figured if anybody had news it would be the cops so I gave him directions to the city jail. When we got there, I'm glad he decided it would be best if he went in alone to do all the talking because I sure as heck wasn't going in there again. He was gone for a long time, and when he came back he had a police report in his hand," Christy said, trying again to keep herself from crying. "He let me read the pages and then gave me some time afterwards to think about it. I was too late. The damage had already been done. Apparently, my leaving was all the excuse momma needed to leave as well. I guess I was wrong about her. I thought she would never be able to work up the nerve to leave him, but the truth was that she was never going to leave me. I know it may sound a little funny, but that's the only thing that makes sense to me. She could have taken me with her at any time, but I don't think she saw it that way." Christy took a deep breath. "Anyway, to make a long story short. Momma got up the courage one day to step out on him. They got into a fight and he smacked her of course, but this time things were different. Instead of taking it like usual, momma marched herself right into the bedroom and started packing a suitcase. That made him even madder and things pretty much went down hill from there. Eventually, momma ended up locking herself in the bathroom and wouldn't come out. Now, that just wasn't going to do as far as he was concerned. He decided that she was coming out of there one way or another. Apparently, that proved to be a much harder job than he figured. By the time he was through the door, he had built up so much steam he couldn't hold himself back. When momma didn't show for work, they started looking for her. The highway patrol ended up pickin' him up three counties over. The rest is history as they say and that was that."

"I'm sorry," Jennifer said trying to be sympathetic, but not sure exactly what to say.

"It's ok, I made my peace with it a long time ago. As far as I know, he's still in the pen." Christy didn't sound very convincing. Jennifer could tell she still blamed herself and probably always would. "So there I was sitin' in your daddy's car once again trying to figure out where home would be next."

### Chapter 16

"Now, you talk about leapin' out of the frying pan and into the fire, that was me. As tough as it was though and as low as I felt, I can't say that was the worst off I had ever been. I'm not afraid to admit it, though them times were still a long ways down the road. At least back then I had your daddy, and he was always my...well, he was like my silver lining, I guess you could say. He was always in control; it always seemed like he had a plan. I know I've said that before, but that's just how he was. I've never seen anything else like it. No matter what went wrong or what surprise was waitin' just around the corner, to him it was all just part of the plan. I never saw him stumped about anything. The whole world could fall apart, and he would just set back as calm as he could be. Then when the right time presented itself, he would just jump in and take care of business. Do you know what I mean?"

"I think I do," Jennifer said with a smile, "He was never rash or impulsive. He knew what he wanted to accomplish and he worked hard to get it. I remember that, but I also remember that it was impossible to argue with him." Jennifer thought about her own experiences with her father. "He was patient, but in a calculating kind of way. He was like a chess player, always looking twenty moves ahead. When he knew he was right about something, he would just let you disagree with him. He would let you give him all the reasons in the world that supported your position, but you never could change his mind with arguments alone. On the other hand, if he couldn't change your mind using the same tack, then he would wait and let the truth play itself out. If he was wrong, he would admit it; but you just couldn't change his mind unless he saw himself defending something that wasn't true. He could be so infuriating some times, but to be honest, he wasn't wrong very often."

"Yeah, I never had much luck with that either." Christy smiled back. "It never seemed to do any good, but at that particular moment in time I certainly wasn't in the mood to argue about anything." Christy's smile faded as her thoughts returned back to her mother. "It took me a little time to get through that police report. I kept stopping to cry and the parts about momma I just kept reading over and over again. It took me even longer to calm down enough to talk about it. When I finally got over the shock of it, I missed momma so bad. I missed her more than I ever had and I wanted to be with her so bad it hurt. Most of all I wanted to know what they did with her. That's when Jack had to break the news to me.

"Where is she?" Christy asked as she handed the police report back to him and wiped away her tears.

"They cremated her body, Christy," Jack said. "That's what they do when there's no one to claim the body or folks don't have enough money for a proper funeral." Christy thought about her stash in the duffle.

"Cremated? What's that mean?"

"Ashes, honey. Your momma is only ashes now."

Christy thought about that for a moment, "Can I have 'em?" and Jack could tell that she meant every word of it.

"No, I'm sorry they only hold them for 30 days."

"I can't say good-bye then, can I?"

"From dust we were made and to dust we shall return. It doesn't matter, Christy, what they did with your momma's remains. The body is only an empty shell, honey. The truth is you can say good-bye to your momma any time you want. In fact, you can talk to her about anything you want and I know she will be able to hear you."

"Do you really believe that?"

"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't think it was the truth. Sometimes you just got to put a little trust in things you may not completely believe in."

"I'll tell you right now those words had a pretty powerful affect on me. Christy said, "I understood what he was saying about momma; even though at the time I didn't really get everything else he was trying to say. To be honest, as soon as he said 'trust,' my mind began to wander. I thought for a moment that I didn't know what I would do with myself or where I would go. I had gotten so used to the idea of coming home, I wasn't sure what was going to happen to me now that home wasn't there anymore. The funny thing about it though was that as soon as I began to get a little nervous about it, I knew it didn't matter. I knew I would be ok as long I was with Jack. In those few days I had been around him, I'd learned to trust him more than I've ever trusted anyone. I knew that as long as I was with him, he would make everything all right. With everyone else there was always a catch, but not with Jack. Oh no. When he told me to trust him, I was right there with him even though I don't think he ever knew how much I was beginning to believe in him," Christy said and then looked at Jennifer as her thoughts switched tracks. "Now is when things really started to get interesting."

"So what do I do now?" Christy asked as she turned to face him.

"Well, that's a good question. I know of a place where you can stay for a while, but to be honest it's really up to you what happens next." Jack said, changing direction in mid sentence. "What do you want to do, Christy? What kind of person do you want to be?"

"I don't know," Christy said with a teenage shrug.

"I can only help you so much, but you have to be willing to do something for yourself. I know you may think that sounds silly, but it's the truth. You've been through all this craziness. Don't you want to settle down and have a life like a real person? You're missing some of what should be the best years of your life. Don't throw that away just because you're in a hurry to grow up. If who you are right now is who you want to be, then the cops will want to take custody of you until child services arrives. On the other hand, if you want to go to school, get an education, work hard, have fun but follow the rules, then I've got another place in mind. It's good and I think that you would enjoy it if you would only let yourself enjoy it. Let other people help you for once Christy. You don't have to do this alone. You'll be a whole lot happier if you do, I promise. So what's it gonna be? It's your choice where we go from here."

"You know, what your daddy said to me about how I was living my life and what kind of person I was must have come at just the right time. I had heard that same speech before, but this was the first time it made any sense to me. I guess hearing it from Jack was when I actually began to believe it. Then again," Christy said with a chuckle, "wild horses couldn't have drug me out of that Caddy. Whatever place he had in mind to hell and back I would be along for the ride, and I would say anything it took to make that happen."

### Chapter 17

"The place he had in mind was in the north part of the county. It was called the Community."

"The Community?" Jennifer asked with arched eyebrows.

"Yeah, I know it sounds a little weird, but that's what's they called it. I had heard about it. I mean everybody had heard about it, but not too many folks could say they had actually been there. It was kind of mysterious that way. The whole trip up I was excited and nervous all at the same time, but I knew better and tried my best to relax. I knew everything would be ok, so on and on we went. It felt like we drove forever. After we turned off the main road, we headed back into the sticks. Them narrow country roads where one curve right after another. It's the same way everywhere, I reckon, after you get out into the country. Black top is black top no matter where you are," Christy said, thinking about other roads that had led her other places. She shook off the pain and regret and tried to focus on the subject at hand. "Now during this whole time things had been real quiet between us. He might have said a word here or there, but all in all it was a pretty silent trip. That is, of course, until we started getting close and that's when he decided he might better tell me some things I just might need to know before we arrived. It was funny because all of a sudden he looked over at me and apparently all at once he realized all the ways I could make a fool out of him. He must have had a whole lot of things on his mind for him not to speak up any sooner."

"Christy, you should know the folks where we're going are a little different than most other people. Now don't get me wrong, they're good people, mind you; they're just a little different," Jack said. He didn't know how else to approach the subject except to just throw it out there.

"What do you mean by different?" She said folding her arms in front of her chest.

"I mean they have their own ideas about things and if you hear them say something that you think sounds funny, please don't laugh at them. Don't call them any names and don't argue with them no matter how much you disagree with what you hear."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Are you always this difficult?" He said with a grin.

"Yes."

"Well, at least you're consistent. Okay, let me lay it out for you. The folks who founded this place were all hippies and they all live together out here because they have the freedom to believe the way they want to believe without other folks judging them or getting in the way."

"You mean like dope smokin' hippy, hippies?" Christy said with excitement, abandoning any semblance of restraint.

"Well, there is that aspect, but I don't want to see you getting mixed up in that. Besides you've got a baby to think about. Anyways, don't think of them like that. They love nature. They believe in a spirit that binds us all together to the earth. They don't believe in war or violence. They want a society based on love or at least as close to that as humanly possible. Another big part of that is that they are vegetarians." He said, looking at her, waiting for a reaction. She said nothing. "They don't eat meat, Christy, and while you're there you won't eat it either."

"Oh, HELL no! I didn't agree to that. What do you mean they don't eat meat?"

"I mean exactly what I said."

"That ain't right. I mean, I don't think I can do that."

"You never know until you try it. You may discover that it's easier to get used to than you might think. Be honest with yourself. It's the idea of it that bothers you, Christy. If you would just open yourself up to the thought of it and give it a chance you probably won't even notice."

"I don't know about that."

"Will you at least give it a chance?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Not if you want to stay here."

"Then I don't have a choice."

"It isn't that bad, I promise. We'll be there in plenty of time to join them for dinner. Don't be too quick to judge. You'll be able to walk around the place and see how you like it tomorrow morning or this evening if we have time. If you decide that you don't like it by this time tomorrow you don't have to stay. We can think of something else to do. Is that fair enough?" Jack hoped she would find something about the place that intrigued her enough to want to stay. If she decided to set her mind against it, he didn't really have any others options and things might get a little dicey if she called his bluff. Then again Jack figured he had done well at hedging his bets. Christy had lived most of her life on the fringe of society and this one was just another flavor. He knew they would accept her if she would only accept them.

"To be honest I didn't really see any way I could object when he put it like that, so on we went. You see, the deal with this place is that it was founded by a fairly large group that came out from San Francisco in the late 60's. They just wanted to live their lives the way they thought it should be, to get back to nature, so to speak. I once heard them describe themselves as modern day Pilgrims just yearning to breathe free, or something like that." Christy turned on a wide grin. "They also wanted to do it as far away from the law and prying eyes as they could. Dope was a big part of their lives back then and their original leader even got sent to the state pen for it. Things had changed a good bit since then and when I was there it didn't happen all that much or at least I didn't see it. What I did see was exactly what he told me: they loved the land, they loved peace, and most important, they loved each other. I learned a lot from them, and if I had to do it all over again, I would have gone there every time. But I'm starting to get a little ahead of myself. When Jack was talking to me about them, I know he was just trying to get me prepared, but all he ended up doing was making me more nervous. I took a deep breath and tried to settle myself down as we turned off the black top and headed up this gravel road. It was a beautiful place; I can't deny that. The pastures and rolling hills seemed to stretch out as far as the eye could see. Several fields had already been turned, but most were still fallow. It was early in the season even though I didn't know it yet. As we drove up the road, we also passed equipment sheds and signs of life; so I knew we were getting closer. Pretty soon those sheds turned into a house here and there, and before I knew it we had reached the main compound. It was situated at the top of this hill and included about six or seven buildings all arranged around a big yard they called the quad. Anyway, there were a couple of trailers on the outskirts, but the main buildings were for administration, education center, mess hall, science and research, and few others." Christy said as she ticked off the buildings on her fingers. "You see science, agriculture, and peace was what they were all about and that's the areas where most of the folks worked. When we got to the top of the hill, Jack pulled into a parking place next to the admin building. He told me it would take a while for him to get everything straightened out for me, but he would be back as soon as he could. Now when he said it was going to take a while, he sure wasn't lying. I'm telling you he took forever. I thought he had fallen in or something. Still, while he was in there it did give me a lot of time to check out the goings-on of the place. There were all kinds of people, and all of them seemed busy at something. Some you could tell had been farming, some had a notebook in their hand, or they seemed like they were on their way some place important. The point is that everybody I saw looked like they enjoyed what they were doing and did it because they wanted to. Watching them all run around like ants got me thinking about what I would do. If I was going to be staying there, that meant I would have to be one of them, and I didn't know if I had it in me to be that kind of person. I realized all of a sudden how little I knew and how stupid I was. Up until then, I thought I was real bright, but when it came right down to it, I realized I didn't know a thing. That scared me a lot. I guess I was starting to see myself how I really was and the more I thought about it, the more I didn't like what I had become. Now your daddy on the other hand, he knew me the second I crawled into that car. He definitely had a plan for me and the idea of seeing that through, I think, is what kept me from bolting out of that car. For whatever reason, he saw something in me that I was pretty sure wasn't there, but I would trust him enough to see it through. I decided then and there just to let it all play out and have a little faith that this wasn't your daddy's first rodeo.

So I waited and waited and finally when he did come out of that admin building, there was a lady following close behind. She was thin and tanned, but not the kind of tan you get from a light bulb. Her skin had a look that had been made by hours of hard work in the sun. I got out of the car when I saw them coming and stood beside the door.

"Christy, this is Suzy Q and if you decide to stay here she's the one that will be responsible for you," Jack said, introducing us.

"I smiled and shook her hand. She was wearing this long white sundress that made her look comfortable, but elegant all at the same time. Her name was actually Susan Lawson, but everyone called her Suzy Q. I think it had to do with a song or something, but I never really found out for sure. She was older than Jack. At least I think she looked it. I could tell immediately that they were good friends, and he must have known her for a long time. I wouldn't find out until later how much he was actually taking advantage of their friendship. It may surprise you to know that I wasn't exactly the first stray that he left on their doorstep. I think she must have told him not to do it again, but here he was with one more in tow. That's probably why he took so long in the office. I can only guess at what kind of fast-talkin' he must have been doing, but when it came right down to it, here she was standing outside shaking my hand. He was that kind of salesman. Now don't get me wrong it wasn't without strings. I reckon she had her doubts about me, but at least at that point she never let herself show it. She was real nice and asked me a whole bunch of softball questions that I answered with what I thought she wanted to hear. Of course, she knew what I was doing, but she let it slide. I think more out of faith in Jack than anything she saw in me. I didn't care though. I had my foot in the door now and that was good enough for me," Christy said and took a sip from her glass.

"The rest of that first evening passed by pretty fast, and to be honest most of it is pretty much a blur. One thing I do remember though was my first dinner. It's so vivid I can even remember the smell of it. Sure enough Jack wasn't joking when he said they were vegetarians. The meal was a black bean stew with a salad of hothouse tomatoes with an olive oil dressing. It was the best meal I think I had ever had. In fact, I didn't even realize there wasn't any meat until it was all gone and I had time to think about it. It was kind of funny; I had made such a big deal about it before, but when it came right down to it I didn't even miss it. I thought to myself, 'maybe this isn't going to be so bad after all, especially if the food is always going to be this good. I could definitely get into this!' Things were certainly getting a lot easier for me. Suzy introduced me to all kinds of different folks and they would tell me a little bit about the job they did and why they liked it. It was an education, but after a while it all started to sound the same and I think Suzy could tell my concentration was beginning to drift. It wasn't too long after that they got me settled in a room in one of the guesthouses and told me they would be back to get me in the morning. To my surprise there was no TV in the room. I didn't feel all that much like sleeping even though I knew I was tired. I got bored and that made me a little antsy, so I started rifling through the drawers in the room. You know, normally where the Bible is in a hotel room? Well, there wasn't a Bible. In its place was a copy of another book called Walden Pond. Have you ever read it?"

"I've read excerpts from it in school. We studied it in English when I was in college, but I've never read the whole thing." Jennifer said, thinking back.

"Well I just thought it was a little weird at the time, so I just slipped it back into the drawer. I was still bored, and with nothing else to occupy my time, I just lay down on the bed. I stretched out and tried to think back through what had happened to me over the last few days. It was all so crazy. I tried to get my mind to catch up to reality. It's hard to describe how it felt like to be in a place like that and not know what was in store. I tried not to be nervous, but I just couldn't help it. It was like telling a dog not to wag his tail. I had no idea what would happen tomorrow or the day after. Looking back on it now, it's kind of ironic. I spent so much time worrying about the future, and if I had known that the next day I would meet the love of my life, I wouldn't have been worried at all.

### Chapter 18

"Oh man! The next morning came early. I mean real early! I mean like five o'clock early. I didn't know what in the world was going on when they started trying to get me up. It also didn't help matters that I had tossed and turned all night on account of my nerves, but as luck would have it, by the time ole' Suzy Q came a-knockin' I was sleeping as hard as I've ever done in my whole life. So, I may not have been the kindest soul that first morning. I think it even took them a few tries, but eventually I did get my lazy butt out of bed. We made it down to breakfast about a half hour later. Jack was already there and talking to this group of guys at the table. We sat down next to them and he wished me good morning with this devilish kind of grin. I must have looked like I was still half asleep so I didn't blame him to much for that look he gave me."

"Anyways, after breakfast they took me on the grand tour. We went to the school first since that's where they figured I would be spending most of my time. I walked around with them trying not to frown or fold my arms to my chest or anything silly like that. I knew that wouldn't go over so big, but it was tough because what I was seeing wasn't going over so well with me. I hated school with a passion and here they were acting like it was the best thing since sliced bread. I was good though. I just nodded my head and smiled and let them go one with their little spiel. I'll tell you right now, this little devil on my shoulder kept whispering in my ear there was no way this place was going to keep my interest enough to keep me here for long. They said I would need to come to school for about six hours every day and then the rest of the afternoon I could spend learning a skill or craft or maybe even get into an apprenticeship. I didn't know what an apprenticeship was, so again I just nodded my head and smiled. Over the next few hours I had to do that a lot as we went through all kinds of labs and craft workshops. Those folks were growing algae in tanks, trying to make gas from manure and all kinds of crazy stuff like that. It was all real interesting, I guess; I'll give them that. But when they tried to explain it to me I had no idea what they were saying so I ended up just zoning out. I think they could tell I wasn't much interested in all that science stuff so we didn't spend too much time there after that."

"Next we went on to the trade crafts, like blacksmiths, coopers, broom makers, and that sort of stuff. We spent a lot more time going through these then we had at the other places. I even tried my hand at a few. I think Jack must have thought this is where I would fit in the best, but it just wasn't right for me. Everything you did had to be just perfect or you could ruin hours of work. That type of stuff took way too much patience. Jack seemed a little disappointed when he saw that me and trade goods just weren't cut out for each other. Thankfully, he got over it pretty quick. He could see as plain as day I would never be as good as I would have to be to do it as a job. At the time I thought it was just boring, but later on I realized why I was so bad at it."

"Why is that?" Jennifer asked.

"The truth is I didn't love it. I would never love it at least not the same way those guys did when they were showing us how they made whatever it was that they were working on. I didn't understand that to really be good at something, to stick with it through thick and thin, you've got to love it. Later on, when I finally understood that, I went back and watched them guys work and when I saw the look in their eyes I could tell I was right.

"So you did end up staying?" Jennifer asked, not sure any longer where Christy was going with her story.

"That's right," she said with a mischievous grin.

"You're killing me. So what made you want to stay?"

"Hold on now, this is my story." Christy said as she looked at Jennifer for a moment, letting her curiosity build. "Anyways, from the trade cottages there was really only one more place to go and that was out into the fields. Farming and agriculture were hands-down their bread and butter, so to speak." Christy said with a grin.

"Oh, that was bad. Did you make that up?"

"Yes I did."

"I could tell," Jennifer said, rolling her eyes.

"So anyways, as we were walking, Suzy started pointing out what they were planting and where. I pretended to pay attention as she started naming the different crops and what experiments they were doing that year and how they were marked. We even walked through this field where you could still see some of the corn stalks sticking out of the ground. The field, they told me, had not been tilled. They would just replant the corn and let nature do the work for them." Christy saw that Jennifer's eyes beginning to glaze over. She couldn't help herself from laughing.

"What?" Jennifer asked looking a little confused.

"It's nothing. It's just that's how I must have looked when they started talking to me about the finer points of no-till. Your daddy was starting to get a little nervous though. Being as how I was a city girl and all, he didn't think I would care too much for the farming. We were getting near the end of the tour, and I still hadn't found my place like he had hoped. I think he was starting to run it all through his mind. The options that were left weren't too good. I had told them already that I wasn't much for cooking during dinner the night before. So, if this farming thing didn't work out, Jack was certainly going to be in a pickle. Then again what he didn't know was that I had already made up my mind to stay. I would just have to tough it out in the kitchen if by some miracle I didn't decide this farming was for me. I tried to warm myself up to the idea and I had gotten myself convinced enough that I wouldn't have to lie too awful bad; besides, your daddy had already done more for me at that point than anyone else ever had. I wasn't going to let him down and that was that. They were going on about corn and conspiracies about genetic modifications but it all just faded into white noise as I kept practicing what I would say."

"How did they take it when you told them you changed your mind about the kitchen?" Jennifer asked, trying to hurry her along to the good part. Christy, on the other hand, just looked at her and smiled. "What?" Jennifer asked not sure what was so funny about her question.

"I never told them I changed my mind. You see, it never got to that point."

"What happened?"

"The barns," Christy said knowingly.

"The barns?"

"That's right. The barns were the last stop on the tour. I knew that's where we were going because I could smell them before they ever came into view. Don't get me wrong though; I didn't think it stank. I mean it wasn't like pigs or anything like that. It was just a musty type of smell. I had seen horses out in the field, but at the time I didn't even think about it being somebody's job to take care of them. I was starting to get a pretty good feeling about this one. I had always thought horses were cool and I had seen them up close at the county fair, but I had never ridden one or been to a barn quite like this. They had over 30 animals at the time, counting horses and mules. A few of the horses were what you typically think of as riding horses, but most of them were workhorses and there's a pretty big difference between the two.

As we walked through the barn I began to imagine myself there. I could see myself taking care of them. As we got down toward the end this guy named Marty was brushing down this amazing white Belgian mare. Her name was Molly and she was gigantic. She towered over me and you could see these huge muscles rippling under her skin. I stood there just gawking at this beast. Marty looks over at Suzy and I can't prove it, but I think she winked at him. After that he smiled and looked at me and asked me if I wanted to brush her. That was all I needed to hear. I was beside him in an instant. He could tell I was a little nervous. So, he told me to relax and he would show me how it was done. I put my hand on the brush and went down the grain of her skin in long even strokes. She was so calm. It was like her energy ran through me, and all of sudden I was completely at peace. After a few passes he let me do it by myself and from that moment on I was hooked. It was love at first sight. I didn't care if they sent me to school for 10 hours a day. As long as I could spend some time with Molly, it would all be worth it.

### Chapter 19

"I think they were all kind of amazed at the fact that when things are meant to be, they just have a way of working themselves out. Marty had a fancy title, but basically all it amounted to was: he was in charge of the care and feeding of all the farm animals. He started showing me the ropes after we got done brushing Molly, and your daddy left shortly after that. He promised that he would be around to check on me whenever he was in town. I thanked him for everything he had done for me. He seemed pretty pleased with himself when he saw how happy I was and I think it made them all happy to have another person not only join the Community, but join their family. That's what they really were, and for first time I felt like I had finally come home. I finally had something to live for; you know, something to care about. I still had my share of demons, but things were different now. I was different, and I liked the person I was turning into. I had never tried to control myself before. When I thought something, I said it. When I wanted to do something, I did it. That's how it was back then, but those days were done. Now, I'll admit by no stretch of the imagination did I change overnight. There were a few dust ups in the beginning; I can't deny that. But to their credit them folks sure did give me a lot of rope. I guess they figured I'd need a little while to adjust, and they had enough patience to give me the time I needed to...well, to stop being such a brat," Christy said as she struggled for an adjective that could adequately describe her behavior, but even that did little to express her own feelings about herself. "In the end I kept working hard on listening to the angel on my shoulder instead all of the other distractions I had focused on before. I wanted to be the person Jack thought I could be." She thought about her own life and what she had done since then. Talking about it now only made her regrets cut that much deeper. In her own mind as she listened to herself she knew that she had come full circle. She was the same now as she had been so long ago when she met him. She could feel the tears like magma burning their way to the surface. She willed the feeling back down into her gut just before it was too late. "They always said them horses were the best choice I probably could have made. In learning to care of them I began to understand what it meant to take care of myself. The food helped, of course. All those veggie meals sure did clean me out. I felt healthier and had more energy than I ever had before. It also helped that the one thing I didn't have was all the temptation. To be honest, I didn't miss the booze, but the smokes were a different story. I'll tell you right now if I had run away from that place the single biggest reason would have been to score some smokes."

"You were 15," Jennifer said a little incredulous.

"That don't mean nothing. I was always around people who smoked; so when you're around it, things tend to come your way. I never said I bought them, but that certainly never affected my ability to get them. It was that easy, but what wasn't easy was going cold turkey. Oh my goodness, kicking the habit was one of the hardest things I think I've ever done."

"I've heard other people talk about how hard it is. How did you get through it?"

"Stubborn...I reckon that would be the easiest way to describe it. No one there was going to get them for me and I had made up my mind that I wasn't leaving, so that left very little choice in the matter. The first couple of weeks were the hardest, of course, but after that the pain and nerves started to ease up a bit. Then after a month or so, I was starting to feel normal again. Now, that doesn't mean I didn't crave one. I'm telling you right now every so often when the mood hit me right, I could just taste it. As quick as could be I was right back Jonesing for one like I did when I first quit, but thankfully those episodes didn't last too long. On the other hand, I always figured that if I left I wouldn't be able to resist that or anything else." Christy paused for a moment. Jennifer could tell what she was thinking and it was difficult to watch. She wanted to say something encouraging and supportive, but by the time she finally had the nerve. Christy had already swallowed the pain back down. "So, to make a long story a little less long, life was pretty good on the farm. I had cleaned up, I was eating right, I was going to school, and most important to me I was working every day with the animals. It was fantastic. It was probably – no, not probably – it was the best time of my life. My baby was healthy too and growing like a weed in my belly. After about the first two months, time really began to slow down, almost to the point like it didn't even matter anymore. I don't know how else to describe it. I guess I fell into a routine where one day was pretty much just like any other day. The seasons changed and there were different things that had to be done at different times in the fields. That was all that marked the difference between one month and another. My belly kept getting bigger though and I had to eventually wear those crazy dresses or sweat pants. I'm telling you nothing fits right when you're pregnant, but when I felt my baby move for the first time it made it all seem worth it. That was when my pregnancy finally became real to me. I was going to be a momma, and that made the whole world seem brighter. Oh yes, life was definitely good on the farm." Christy smiled as memories of those times came back to her like flipping through the pages of an old photo book that you hadn't seen in years. "Another thing that always brightened my spirits was a visit from Jack. He was always as good as his word: when he said he would be back as often as he could. He meant it. Even though deep down I knew he wasn't there just for me, it was still nice to see him. He was really there for business, but at first I didn't understand what business he could possibly be doing with them. I know it sounds strange, but that one piece of him that just didn't seem to fit. I mean my experience with business up to that point was always something illegal. I even would lie awake some nights and wonder how odd it was that your daddy was so close to the people there when he was so different from them. I talked a lot with him. I knew how strongly he believed in his faith and how conservative his opinions were. Some folks avoid talkin' about religion and politics, but he never shied away from them one bit when he spoke to me. The more I got to know him, the more I just couldn't see how he had anything in common with them at all. One day, and I mean it was a beautiful day toward the end of summer. He came round to check on me. It was always a treat to see him and we went for a walk through one of the pastures just like we normally did. I've always been outspoken; being at the Community didn't change that in the least. It was on my mind so I decided to bring it up."

"Jack, let me ask you a question."

"Ok, go right ahead."

"I appreciate all you've done for me and I hope you don't mind me asking, but how did you get to know these folks here so well? I'm not trying to be rude or anything, I'm just curious. As far as I can tell you're nothing like them, and it just don't make any sense how ya'll can be such big buddies. You say you're here for business, but I don't see you leave with anything and they sure as heck don't buy anything you sell."

"Well, that's a good point, but how do you know they're not buying what I sell?" Christy just looked at him like he had a third eye or something.

"Um, because you sell bathroom sanitizers or something like that and they don't use that stuff. That's what I mean. They ain't buying what you're selling." Christy said, exaggerating the last sentence in her frustration.

"Oh I see what you mean, but I think the problem here is that you have to expand your definition of what it means to sell something."

"Are you trying to confuse me? Selling something is selling something, ain't it?"

"It is, but what you sell doesn't always have to be something tangible." He could see that she still had no idea what he was talking about, and she was starting to get angry. "Ok, you're right. I do sell sanitation equipment and consumables. That's my job, and you're also right that these folks don't buy any of my products. On the other hand, restaurants do use my products – a lot of it, in fact. Now, let me ask you a question. What do restaurants sell?"

"Food, I guess," Christy said more confused now than she was before.

"That's right, and what do you see growing all around you in these fields?"

"Food," she said, beginning to understand where he was going. The connection made sense.

"That's right. In fact, this place is one of the largest certified organic growers in Middle Tennessee. You see, what makes me good at my job is a sales technique called value first. When I go to see a client I meet with them to tell them how I can help them reduce their grocery bill and at the same time increase the quality of the fruits and vegetables they buy. I give them something that helps their business and then in return, 99.9% of the time they end up buying my stuff. The Community then has a stable market for their products as well as a practically guaranteed revenue stream. That means we all make money and everybody's happy. You see, they do buy what I'm selling. It's just to them I'm selling customers. What do you think about that?"

"I think you're pretty slick." Christy said with a smile of admiration.

"Thank you, but since we're on the subject I think it's about time you realize that we're all selling something. No matter who we are or what we do, everyone of us is selling something every day," Jack said seriously. Christy was intrigued by this and hung on every word. "Like I said before, I do sell a product, but more important, I sell the good will of lasting relationships. Now, do me a favor and think about yourself for a second. What do you sell, Christy?" he asked her. She still didn't seem to get it, so he went on. "Let me tell you what I see. I see you selling your love for your baby, you dedication to your horses, and your crazy personality that keeps everyone on their toes," he said, smiling. "These are good things that you should be proud of. Always keep that in mind. Make sure that what you are offering others is always the very best of yourself."

"Wow," Jennifer said as she wiped a tear from her eye. "Did he really say all that?"

"Yes, he did, and he said it because he believed every word of it. That's the kind of person he was and I think that is how I would always like to remember him.

"You know he was like that at home, too. He never exactly explained it to me like that, but hearing you say it reminds me of some of the conversations we had. I'm glad you feel that way. I think he would want to be remembered like that. He had a passion for life and more than that, he loved people; and I know deep down that is what he wanted to sell the most."

"He sure did. I always thought he was a great guy, but I guess I didn't realize how good he really was until that afternoon. From then on I was more determined than ever to be the person I thought I could be. He never would let me settle for less. He was always trying to raise the bar. He never wanted me to be satisfied with myself – not ever. He told me to keep reaching higher and to keep expecting more. He made what were already good times even that much better. It was amazing to live there; doing what I was doing." Christy said with excitement as she remembered how rich and full her life was back then. She reveled in those feelings for a moment, but then just as quickly she brought herself back down to earth. "I wish those times could have lasted forever, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Like all great things there comes a point where it all has to end. In my case, the end came toward the middle of February."

### Chapter 20

"February, now that's a month I would like to forget. It started out well enough, just like any other month, but it sure did go down hill real fast. I knew I was getting close to the end. To be honest with you I could hardly wait for it to be over. Now, don't get me wrong. It was definitely an interesting ride, but at that point I had about as much of being pregnant as I could take. It was so hard for me to do anything. My hip was all out joint so all I could do was just hobble around. I was always hot. I already told you about the clothes, I mean the list just goes on and on, and that even wasn't the worst thing about it. I'm telling you that baby must have been laying smack dab on my bladder for the last month. It was crazy." Christy said with a grin.

"Anyways, back to February. You see, they were expecting me to have the baby and they were thinking it would probably be toward the end of the month by the way things were looking. Then again, things hardly ever go as planned. I was helping out in the kitchen one day when this terrible pain just went right through me. It was awful. It was nothing like what they said labor pains were supposed to feel like. They rushed in the midwife and she was all over me, pushing and prodding. I could tell by the way she was examining me that things weren't good even before she called for an ambulance.

They rushed me to a hospital, but they must have put me out nearly as soon as I got there, because just about the only thing I remember is waking up. I rubbed my eyes and I looked around. It was like waking from a real deep dream, you know, when you're not sure yet if you're awake or not. Suzy Q rushed over to my side as soon as she saw me and grabbed my hand telling me how it was all going to be all right. All right? I could hardly remember what the problem was to begin with. Then, as I looked into her eyes things started coming back to me. My hand went to my belly and it was nothing but flabby skin and bandage."

"Where's my baby?"

"Oh Christy, I'm so sorry. There were complications, honey. I promise if there was any other way...the doctor should be around soon and they'll be able to explain it better than I can."

"Where's my baby?" Christy asked again through clinched teeth.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry. The baby...she...she didn't make it. I swear they did everything they could, but the swelling...it was too much. I'm so..." Suzy managed to say before her soft sobs overcame her voice.

"You know, sometimes when I'm sad, and I mean real sad and I've made up my mind that I don't want to be that way, I get mad instead. It may not be the best way to respond to somebody, but then that's just me. Anyways, the conversation between me and good ole miss Suzy Q pretty much went down hill from there. Bless her heart, she did her best to understand what I was going through and she just let most of it slide. I think she left the room to get the doc as much to give me some time to cool down as it was for me to hear what they needed to tell me. It worked though, and I was finally allowing myself to cry when they came back in. The doc went into his spiel, explaining things with one big medical word after another. He was real sympathetic and all, but it didn't take long before he started to sound like that teacher on Charlie Brown – just a 'wau wa wau wa wau.' But the meaning of what he said I couldn't escape. My baby was gone. My daughter was gone and I hadn't even decided on a name yet."

"I'm sorry," Jennifer said. She didn't know what else to say, but felt like she had to say something.

"It's ok, I appreciate it. I came to terms with it a long time ago, but back then, it was a whole different story. After I left the hospital, I was over being mad or anything like that. I was just in some kind of blue funk. I didn't feel anything. It was like my body, my thoughts, my feelings, and everything else about me just seemed to turn off. All I wanted to do was just pull the covers over my head and go to sleep. It was the only thing that seemed right to me. As they brought me back to the Community I went to bed and just stayed there. I hated getting up even to go the bathroom. I didn't know what was wrong with me, and to be honest I didn't care as long as they left me alone. Jack came by and I wouldn't even talk to him. It was the first time I have ever been like that, and I think it scared them a little. I don't think even Jack knew what to make of it. Then again, Jack was Jack. He just gave me the space I needed at the time. He promised me he would come back when I was feeling better, but I just ignored him.

You know, when something horrible happens to someone, the people around them will let you get away with being a jerk for a really long time, but that doesn't last forever. I knew a piece of me was gone. I knew I would never be exactly the same, but that shouldn't have stopped me from living. After the first few days back, I probably could have gone back to work and carried on the same way I had before, but I didn't care. So, I lay there like a big lump, and for the first week everybody acted like they were walking on eggshells around me. A week after that, they were walking normal. By the end of that, I think they were stomping. At the beginning of the third week, Suzy finally came around to have the talk. I had been waiting to see how long it would take for them to get to this point. When the time arrived, I had already made up my mind that I wasn't going to fight it. I knew my laziness would have to end at some point and this was about as good a time as any. So after the talk, I went back to work, and to be honest it felt good. I mean it felt real good. I didn't realize how miserable I was even when I felt fine. I also never realized how much I had missed Molly until I saw her. It seems almost silly now, but I reached my arms around her neck and gave her the biggest hug I could. I cried as I held her, and bless her heart, she let me do it without hardly a nay. I was back home again and it always feels good to be home. I picked up right where I left off. In fact, things went better and faster than they had before. I had been carrying around so much extra weight for so long I had forgotten what it was like to work without a bun in the oven. So that week was my official getting back into the swing of things, and after that it was all pretty much back to normal, or at least as normal as things can get."

"One thing though that was different was that I had gotten into the habit of going out on my own and spending a little free time under this tree that was off by itself at the top of a ridge. From that particular point, you could see acres of woods and fields with nobody to interrupt you – not a soul around for as far as the eye could see. It was a great spot; and if the weather was good and I wasn't at school or at the barn, then right there is where I would be, just nature and me. I missed your daddy though and I wasn't real thrilled with the way I had acted the last time he was around. You see, he had made a special trip just for me, so I was anxious to make it up to him. It was toward the end of April when he finally came back around. The weather was great. It was warm and it was finally looking like it was going to stay that way. Spring had sprung and he found me right there under that tree. He sat down beside me and just took in the view for a while even before he said anything. When we finally got down to talking, he asked me about the horses and commented on the weather as I recall. I could have let him chitchat like that about nothing, but I didn't think beating around the bush was going to do either one of us any good. The truth is I had been waiting for him to find me. I couldn't wait to talk to him, and it was about a lot more than just apologizing for the way I treated him before. I had a lot of time to think under that tree, so now that he was there. I wasn't going to waste a minute."

"You didn't come here just to talk about the weather, did you?" Christy asked with a smirk.

"No, I guess I didn't. So, why don't you tell me what I came here to talk about?"

"You came to talk about happened to my baby...and also to see if I'm doing ok, I reckon."

"Yes I did, and are you ok?"

"I suppose."

"They say you're still a little distant, and you're always out here under this tree, even in the cold."

"I got a lot on my mind," she said with a shrug.

"Like what?"

"You know, folks around here have a pretty unique way of looking at things, and when I say unique I mean weird. Life to them is no different than the crops they grow. Stuff gets planted, they grow, they get harvested, and then the whole thing starts over again. They call it the circle of life and that's all there is to it."

"I take it you don't completely buy into that."

"I've tried, but I just can't. There's got to be more to life than that. Sure, I suppose it's easier to say that what happened to me was just that my seed didn't sprout. Why complicate things by bringing in some all-powerful God? But the problem with that is that I felt something. I felt more with my baby than just a seed. I don't know any other way to describe it, but I know it was there."

"I understand where you're coming from. That's what faith is Christy. When you know deep down that there is something more to our lives than just what we experience here on earth. If you take it a step further, then you have to accept that we were created. If we're created then we belong to Someone, and that Someone loves us so much He gave us the power to choose, the power to hurt, and most important, the power to love. You felt something, because there was something there. Everything about that experience from your baby, the love you felt for her, and even the loss were gifts from God."

"That don't make no sense Jack. How can my baby's death be a gift?"

"I know it sounds weird, but just hear me out. Why do bad things happen to good people? That's one of the oldest and one of the worst questions people ask. We're all sinners, Christy, and sin is sin. None of us are quote-unquote "good people." We are all tainted in the eyes of God. That's just the way it is. God doesn't see people with qualifiers. He doesn't see people as good or bad, He just sees us as redeemed or not. That's why choosing to be redeemed, well that's just about the biggest choice we can make. We have to have pain, Christy. Now how much pain is left to chance, but we have to have it because it's a package deal. To have the good stuff we have to have the bad. That's what they call the human experience."

"It still doesn't seem fair."

"No, maybe not, but the race is not always to the swiftest nor the battle to the strongest, but fortune and chance happen to them all."

"So that's pretty much how it went and from there we talked more about the importance of choices – that it's not about what happens to us as much as it is how we react to it. I know you've probably heard all this before, but that doesn't make it any less true."

"I know. He was like that me too. I don't think he really believed in destinies, so to speak. I think he believed our life is more like a path, and it's the choices that we make that determine how well we follow that path. It seemed like it was always about the journey with him."

"Yeap, that was Jack all right. The worse the choices you make, the more trouble you're bound to get into. You know, it's kind of funny when I think about it now. At the time I thought I was back on track, and the worst that could possibly happen to me was over."

### Chapter 21

"I do have to admit life got a whole lot better for me after that. I think the talk we had really helped me get my head on straight. I didn't realize I hadn't been as friendly to folks as maybe I should, so I started to make more of an effort to be more sociable. It was amazing to me how much their jokes got a little funnier, their smiles brighter, and everything felt better, like it should. I did start spending a lot more time around people, but I didn't completely forget about my thoughtful spot. I still went out there every once in a while just to be alone, but not so much anymore that people worried. Molly was still there for me. Marty and Suzy Q, it made them happy to see me acting like my old self again. I was right back in my old groove before I knew it. That also meant that time began to pass the same way as it did before. There was a cycle to things. That was for sure, just an easy movement from one stage to the next. It wasn't complicated and it wasn't fancy. It was nature and that's just her way. Before I knew it, three years had gone by like it was nothing. I was 18 and in the eyes of the law that made me my own person. I was a responsible adult, so they said. I didn't really know about the responsible part, but I certainly was an adult. They even threw me a big birthday party and everything. It was great and I loved every minute of it. It made me feel like an adult, not that I ever really felt like a child. I had grown up fast, way too fast, but now I knew that I had to continue to take care of myself, make good decisions, and follow my heart. At least that's what Jack told me. When they asked me what I wanted to do with my life, my heart answered for me. I knew I wanted to keep taking care of animals any way I could. This was a new stage in my life and it was a big one. Marty was great and pulled some strings for me at a local office and I got a job as a veterinarian technologist. That was the official title, but what it really meant was 'chief gopher.' Being low man on the totem pole can be tough, but it's even harder when it's your first job. It worked out ok, though. I still got to spend a lot of time with animals, but mostly they were dogs and cats. Horses were still my first love, but those other animals can be fun too. I started out part time, but I also kept working at the Community as well, for room and board. All in all it was a pretty good deal. I was making money. I was doing what I liked. I still had those acres to walk and I even started reading a few books, if you can believe it. That was my life for about six or seven months when Jack finally convinced me to kick myself out of the nest. I went full time at the vet's office, and Jack went with me to enroll at Columbia State Community College. He even went with me to look at apartments. Oh man, things were really starting to heat up. I was taking on new responsibilities left and right. I have to admit that the community college thing was bad enough, but moving into an apartment scared the crap out of me. I honestly didn't think I was ready for it, but Jack convinced me otherwise. He asked me if I wasn't ready now, then when would I be ready? I didn't have an answer for him so that was that. He was right I think even though there would come a time when I would blame him, but that still doesn't make what he told me any less true. As long as I did the right things and made the right choices I would be ok. He encouraged me to depend on myself, to have the strength to live, and to learn on my own with no one else around. I would have to do it sometime, and if I've got to do it eventually then why not now? If I only knew then...well, you know. Anyways, I still didn't have any good reasons to wait, so I moved out one Friday night and spent the weekend fixing up my new place. A little paint here and there was all it needed, so by Saturday night I was set. I had my dancin' shoes on and nowhere to go. I was all on my own, and I had no idea where to start – that is to say until that little devil popped up on my shoulder. He told me to go out and live a little, and that's exactly what I did. I went out and bought a pack of Marlboro's, a double cheeseburger with fries, and went out to the movies. It may not sound like that wild of a party, but it was good enough for me."

"I don't know about that. It sounds like a lot to me. How was it to eat of the forbidden fruit after so long?"

"Well," Christy laughed. "It's funny that you should ask. The smokes made my head spin. The burger upset my stomach and the movie was just plain dumb. All in all it wasn't exactly what I was expecting. The idea of it was so much better than the thing itself."

"Isn't that so often the case; our expectations our so much higher than reality."

"I reckon that's true. I have to admit to my fair share of disappointments," Christy said as she thought ahead to some of the events that she would have to admit to Jennifer and to herself. The thought made her wince and she changed subjects fast before she gave too much away. "Anyways, even though it was community college it was still pretty tough. They had a few study groups going and whenever they were meeting, I was usually there. Once again I had to start from the bottom. Most of the folks there had gone to high school together. I told them I had dropped out of high school, but I had just finished my GED. They didn't ask a whole lot of questions, and I was thankful for that. If I had told them the truth, that I had went to school at the Community, they just would have thought I was some kind of freak or something."

"Why would they think that?"

"That's just the way it is. Like I said before, there's a reason those folks all lived together. They didn't always have the most popular ideas. They lived outside the mainstream, and that made them different. It was no big deal. I was used to it by then, or maybe I was just used to the way people would treat you if they knew you were one of them hippies from the Community. I didn't reckon I needed that kind of grief. Besides, to tell the truth, I was getting real lonely. There were times when I kind of knew what was going on in class, but I would show up to the study group just to be around another warm body. Living on my own was tough. I mean it was a lot harder than I ever imagined. I just don't do alone real well. I never have. I would come home from work to a dark room, throw a box in the microwave, and turn on whatever nonsense was playing on the TV. Night after night those four walls were feeling awfully small. It was dragging me down, and I just didn't know how to deal with it. I ended up going to bed early to escape it, or I would go out to a late night restaurant, order coffee, and study my textbooks for hours. It was kind of funny in a way. The other kids in my class were amazed that I was always caught up on our reading assignments. I just didn't have the heart to tell them I didn't have anything else better to do."

"How long did that last? Did things eventually get better for you?" Jennifer asked with concern. She was afraid this story would have to take a turn for the worse.

"I don't know if things got better, but things changed at least. I guess it all depends on what you consider better. As time passed, I got to be pretty good friends with some of my study buddies. We started going out together on the weekend to parties or clubs. It just depended on what their mood was at the time. We would go up to Nashville or Murfreesboro, and we would have a good time. It took me a bit to get used to going out like that. I'll admit I was a little nervous at first, but I was so starved for company I would take any that I could get." Christy paused and stared at Jennifer sizing up her expression. "You know where I'm going with this?"

"I think so."

"Then I'll save you the graphic details. People into bad stuff have a way of rubbing off on to you whether you like it or not. That's the plain and simple truth of it. I was too eager to say yes when what I really should have said was no. No, I don't want to. No, it's getting too late. There are a million different no's and millions of other excuses I should have said. I just wasn't planning on any of those Yes's landing me in the county jail."

### Chapter 22

"Jail? What did you do to get sent to jail?"

"Are you kiddin'? There were a hundred different things I did to earn myself a trip to the pokey. At least this time it wasn't me on hook. We were doing our best to kill ourselves that night and callin' it fun. There were four of us in the car, and a cop clocked us at 95 on a straight stretch coming down from Columbia. We all blew over the limit, open containers in the car, and I think a few other things too. It was pretty bad, but in the end the driver took most of the fall in the eyes of the law. That didn't keep them though from locking us all up, and that's where I spent the night."

"Did you have to post bail or anything like that?"

"Not exactly, I did have to pay a fine which I didn't have the money for. They told me they would have to garnish my wages, and I just told them 'whatever.' I had a hangover so bad I didn't care what they said as long as I could get out of there. Before they would let me leave, I had to sit through one of the longest lectures I think I've ever heard. I thought I was never going to get out of there, but to be honest looking back on it all I can't say that I blame him too much. He was just trying to help me, and of course, he was right. Everyone was right. I should have known better, but more than that it should have been a wake-up call for me. It should have scarred me straight, but I still couldn't find my way to saying no. I liked being part of the crowd. I liked going wherever the night took me. The problem was that more often than not it took me into trouble. After the whole jail thing, I did start staying home a little bit more, but that didn't last long. I was barely hanging on at work and I was failing the class I was in. My life was spinning out of control and the more out of control I felt, the more I went out. Of course, that only made the problem even worse. That was my life then, a merry-go-round of highs and lows. The more I lived it up to feel better, the worse I felt the next day. I was so sick of everything. I hated my life, but I didn't think I knew how to do anything different. I was out of control, and I reckon people began to talk. I guess I was waiting for it to happen and after a few weeks it finally did."

"Jack came to visit me early one Sunday morning. I don't know how, but I guess he figured what kind of shape I would be in which is why he chose that particular time. I also think he wanted to see if what everyone had been saying was actually true. As it turned out I certainly didn't disappoint him. Well, maybe I did I guess it all depends on how you look at it. I have no idea how long he had actually been out there knocking on the door waiting for me to answer, but I figure it must have been quite a while. I was passed out on the couch and his knocking had gone on for so long that it had become part of my dream. Anyways, when I did finally open the door I did it in a burst of curses that ended as soon as I saw it was him. That had to be one of the oddest experiences of my life. I mean, I just instantly shut my mouth and hung my head in shame. He passed through the open door behind me and into the living room turning on the lights as he went. When I turned around to look, I couldn't believe I had never noticed how nasty the place was until he walked in. When he hit that switch on the wall it was like the night sky on the 4th of July. Oh, I had clothes everywhere, dishes, empty bottles, half-eaten food no telling how old, and anything else you can imagine. It was absolutely disgusting. Now, I was never much of a house keeper, mind you, but even by my standards no self-respecting animal would have lived in that place. Over the last six months, I had also begun to pack on the pounds, and at the same time I don't reckon I looked too healthy."

"Oh my goodness, what did he say to you?" Jennifer asked as she imagined herself in Christy's place having to face her father.

"I think that had to be the scariest part of all. He didn't say anything. I mean absolutely nothing, for what seemed like forever. He just looked at me and that's it. I didn't know what to do or what to say, so I just went and sat down on the couch and hung my head. The truth is, I don't think he knew what to say. In fact, I don't think he even knew where to begin, but when he did finally say something, I think he was trying to get my attention, but the problem was I just thought he was being mean."

"Is this how it was when you were with him? Is this how you lived back then, in squalor?"

"Lived with who?"

"That guy you were running away from when I picked you up." Christy looked up at him, her face flushed with anger.

"That was different."

"I don't see a lot of difference here, Christy. You were doing your best to kill yourself back then, and now you're right back here doing the same thing again. I thought you were past this. Have the last four years meant nothing to you?" he asked, looking directly into her eyes. The embarrassment, the pain, and every other emotion boiled inside her, all trying to get out at the same time. It was anyone's guess as to which one would come out first. She was as likely to punch him as she was to break down in tears. He let her stew in her own juices for a long pregnant pause before pressing the point. "Answer me, Christy. Has nothing I've said meant anything to you?" Again he paused, but she still wouldn't look at him. "Answer me!" He bellowed. The sound reverberated off the walls causing her to flinch. When she did it broke loose whatever was holding her back and she stood to face him.

"Listen old man, I've put up with your crap for way too long. I don't need you anymore. You don't know me and you sure as hell don't know what you're talkin' about." Her words were more vehement than she had intended. Her own voice was alien to her ears. Everything came out as a blistering tirade when all she really wanted to do was cry and ask him to help her make it all right again. On the other hand, to yell back at him, to hurt him, did make her feel strangely better. "Look around you. This is who I am. This is who I've always been, Jack. If you don't like that, I'm sorry, but you're just going to have to get over it. I'm an adult now and not just some punk kid you can push around. I can do whatever I want whenever I want to do it, and there's nothing you can do to stop me." She said slowly and confidently, secretly hating every word of it. This time it was his turn to stare at her with his face flushed.

"You're wrong about that you know." He said, his voice calm and steady. "You're not an adult. You're still that same helpless kid stuck in a woman's body. I'm sorry, Christy, I didn't come here to do this. I didn't come here to fight. In some ways I came here to say I'm sorry. I can't help but take some of the blame. I pushed you out because I thought you were ready. I thought you could handle things, and I wanted to see what amazing stuff you could accomplish. I'll be honest: it breaks my heart to see you like this, and I just want to see you do better because deep down I know you're better. You're selling yourself out by taking the easy road for no other reason than it's easy. Life doesn't have to be like this. I thought you knew that but I guess I judged you too quickly. Remember the Community, Christy. Remember what it was like to have people who loved you. Remember what it was like to care about something and be a part of something bigger than you. If you do that and live that way, then all your problems will disappear. Try some new things. Volunteer at an animal shelter, find a hobby, or do something else that you enjoy besides getting into trouble. There is so much more that this world has to offer than what you had at the Community and that was what I was hoping you would find out for yourself on the outside. I was wrong. I pushed you into a world you still weren't prepared for. Maybe we just need to go slower. I can take you back there. I can still try to make this right."

"Jack was a good man, but he wasn't perfect. He had a plan for my life, but the only problem was I wasn't ready for his plan. He wanted me to do all this stuff and make something of my life. He believed in me so much, more than I ever realized until that moment. That's when I truly understood how much I had disappointed him and also how disappointed I was in myself. I got so angry I cried and I just started yelling at him about nothing – I mean nothing at all. I was just in a tizzy and I wanted him to hear about it, but not the nonsense spewing out of my mouth. What I really wanted him to know was how I felt deep inside. The sad truth is, we never got there and all I really ended up doing was just pushing him away. I was so mad and stubborn I would have said anything just to argue with him."

"What happened? Dad was never one to argue. If he thought you were making stuff up I don't see him staying in that fight very long."

"Yep, that about sums it up. I mean, our little discussion didn't last a long time. I threw in some curses and I tried to make him feel bad, but he wasn't just going to stand there and let me abuse him. In fact, he told me flat out before he left that he didn't think I believed a single word I was spouting off. He told me he would be back in a month and a half since I didn't take him up on his offer and that he expected more from me than this. He told me to clean up and that I was wasting my life and I knew it. He also told me to reconsider going back to the Community and rejoining the fold."

"So what happened after that?"

"It's kind of funny, you know, even though all we did was fight, it still seemed to help. I started to do a lot better. I cleaned up a little. I mended some fences. He gave me a goal. I had six weeks to get myself straightened out and that gave me something to reach for."

"That sounds great. What happened when he came back? Was he impressed?"

"That's a good question. You know six weeks is a long time and a lot can happen. Sometimes life gets in the way. I still didn't do alone real well. As fate would have it I moved in with a guy a month later and then he transferred to Knoxville I went with him. I always meant to go back and leave a message for Jack at the Community, but for one reason or another I never did. I always meant to keep in touch, but to be honest I don't think I really wanted him to know what I was doing. That little devil on my shoulder never really left, and I got mixed up into some stuff that took on a life all its own. At any rate, no matter what good intentions I might have had, the fact is I never talked to Jack again and those final words of his have haunted me ever since."

### Chapter 23

"Now that he's gone, I don't guess I'll ever have the opportunity to tell him how much of a fool I was and how sorry I am for the way I treated him."

"Don't beat yourself up over it, Christy. He knew, from what you've told me I'm positive, he knew exactly how you really felt."

"I hope so, but it's more than that, you know. I can't help but regret the way things ended. It's so hard to put it into words. I mean, when we were at the Community I loved talking to him. I loved the way he made me feel. He was the most open and honest person I've ever known. It didn't matter whether it was religion, politics, or even the weather, he made my whole life just a little bit better. If I had a problem or if I was feeling down, I knew it was just a matter of time before he would be right there for me." Christy paused, collecting her thoughts before her emotions ran away with her. More memories of the talks and times they shared started rolling back through her mind. "You know, there was a period in my life not too long ago when I couldn't remember for the world what those times were like and now it's like a faucet I can't turn off. Those were definitely some good years."

"It's ok, take your time." Jennifer said as she could see how Christy was struggling. She was staring down at the table lost in another world, in another time. It was a few minutes before she raised her head, her eyes penetrating.

"Thank you," she said in almost a whisper. "I can't tell you how much this means to me. I hadn't thought about it I mean about all of it in a very long time. I remember so many things now that I promised myself I would never forget. Every minute that your daddy spent with that silly stupid girl will always be special to me," Christy said with admiration. "I know it may sound dumb, but he really was like a father to me, or at least he was the closest thing to what a father should have been. You have no idea how lucky you are. In fact, it might surprise you to know that there were lots of times when I would have given anything to be you; to be his real daughter. I was so jealous."

"You didn't have to be jealous Christy. He's now just as much a part of your life as he is of mine. You've got your memories and no one can take that from you."

"I know that, but there's just so much I didn't tell him. There's so much I need to say," Christy said. Jennifer began to think that maybe she might be able to help her and just maybe help herself in the process.

"Christy, maybe you could tell me what you need to say to him. Tell me what you've been holding on to. I may not be Catholic, but if you need a confessor then maybe I can do that for you now." She said with a warm, encouraging smile.

"I...I can't," Christy said through a burst of emotion. She couldn't do this. She had to get out; get away, any place would be better than here. She jumped up from the booth and ran outside, past the windows, away from where she could be seen from inside.

Jennifer grabbed her purse and threw down a $20 on the table as she rushed out to follow her. She hit the door in the same direction Christy had fled, but to her surprise catching up to her was not going to be a problem. She was right there, leaning up against the brick wall, with her head in her hands. Jennifer took a deep breath and forced herself to slow everything down. She went over to Christy gently placing her arm around her shoulders. They stood there for a moment and then Jennifer slowly walked her over to the car and slid her into the passenger seat.

Jennifer felt so helpless and sorry for her as Christy continued to cry softly. She reached in her purse and pulled out a small package of Kleenex and held it at the ready. She was in no hurry. She decided not to say anything, but just let her go. It was almost like she was cleansing herself of everything that had come to the surface, everything she had been holding back. The levy had broken and Jennifer thought it best to let it run its course. It took a few minutes, but soon enough Christy began to come out of it a little and wiped her eyes. Jennifer offered her the tissues, and she accepted with a whispered "Thank you."

"Christy, I won't insult you by pretending to know what you're going through right now, but I do know what it's like to hurt. I know what it's like to lose someone very special to you, and I know what its like to have unfinished business," Jennifer said as she thought about her own regrets. It wasn't hard to see some of herself in Christy. Jennifer asked herself what she would say to her father if she had the chance, but she already knew the answer to that one. She would have told him that he had been right about her husband. She should have never had married him, but she was too wrapped up in it to listen to anyone objectively. So now she let herself be honest for once. She had been so desperate for everything her ex had been selling. She was greedy and it led her down a path that took her away from everything she knew was important. The conversation she would have had with her father played out in her mind. She finally understood what he was trying to say to her. Jennifer's own eyes began to fill with tears. Her dad had never played the "coulda, shoulda, woulda" game. He did what he thought was right, and he did it with conviction. She said to herself, "That's the person I want to be. I want to be strong and independent like he was. Dad would have listened to my whines and regrets, but then he would have set me straight. He would have told me to take control and make my own destiny." She looked at Christy. "Maybe I'm not the only one that needs to hear that."

Jennifer realized at that moment that Christy was staring at her blankly as she started to come back to reality. Jennifer couldn't even remember the last words she had said. It didn't matter. She knew what she wanted to say so she just decided to wing it.

"Christy, I know you've got this whole swirl of emotion going on in your head right now. I know how crazy everything is, but the only way I see it getting any better is for you to get it off your chest and get it out there. If there's one thing you could say to my dad what would it be?"

Christy was silent for a moment. "I'm sorry." She said softly and then louder. "I'm sorry. I'm so very, very sorry." Her eyes filled with fresh tears and she put her face in her hands. Jennifer gave her a moment, took a deep breath, and then reached over to take Christy's hands in her own. She pulled her hands back from her face turning Christy around to look at her.

"I forgive you," Jennifer said in a whisper and then louder, and it almost sounded like his voice. "I forgive you, Christy. I forgive you. But you have to stop living in the past." Jennifer smiled at her and realized she had been trying to imitate his voice. "You know that's what he would say." Christy smiled back at her and nodded her head. Jennifer could feel the tension breaking. "My story may not be as adventurous as yours. Actually, it's probably a little boring, but that hasn't stopped me from having my own ups and downs. I've got my own list of things I wish I could take back, but dad would never let me hang on to them. Even now, when I think about him, I can hear him tell me to move on, to keep going, and to never settle for anything. I know life hasn't been easy for you, but you already know what he would say. Take control of your life and make your world what you want it to be. It doesn't matter what you've done. What matters is the choice you make right now, because it's that choice that will determine all the other choices that are to come.

### Chapter 24

Jennifer let those words hang in the air for a moment, and then started the car to drive back to the cemetery. Christy on the other hand had turned toward the passenger window staring off into the distance. She was clearly somewhere else. Jennifer hoped dearly that it was a place that gave her some answers or at the very least a little peace. The ride was quiet. Both of them were so lost in their own thoughts they didn't even notice the silence.

Jennifer knew the divorce decree would land her some bucks. The only question was how many. She could be devious and slow play her hand stretching out the proceedings just to watch him bleed. That would certainly give her the satisfaction of vengeance, but she doubted now that she had the will to be that petty. Besides, that's what he would do if their situations were reversed. The thought of debasing herself like that soured in her mind. She was better than that. Then again, she thought changing her mind, a little pay back would feel good, or was that just a little devil on her shoulder? Just as quickly she changed her mind back again. Revenge, there are so many practical definitions. There are so many psychological traps in these games, it's easy to lose oneself. Oh sure, she could play the role of the scorned and bitter ex-wife, but there's also the chance that's exactly what she would become. The problem was that no matter what she did, once it was over, he would never think twice about her again. Thinking of her father, she decided that in the end, maybe her only real choice was to be the person she wanted to be, the person her father had always seen in her. Jennifer smiled as her whole world seemed to open up and everything began to make sense. She would file for divorce all right, but hand him a settlement offer to good to refuse. She would take his money, but she would use it to go back to school or something good like that. She might even start her own business. She had management skills as well as being good with people. Now was her opportunity. The sky was the limit and she imagined herself in her new liberated life. It felt fantastic.

The cemetery entrance was coming up quickly now, and it brought her back to the present. She looked over at Christy, dropping her grin as she saw her still staring out the window. She seemed distant and very alone.

"I can take you to your car if you would like."

"Well, I didn't exactly drive," she said hesitating. "I don't really have one." Christy said, obviously embarrassed.

"Oh..." Jennifer stammered, not exactly sure how to respond. "In that case, is there any where else I can take you?" she asked, but Christy didn't answer. Jennifer became concerned as it begged the next obvious question. "Christy, if you don't have a car, where are you staying?"

"It's ok; you don't have to worry about me," she said with practiced confidence. "I'll just catch a bus or something. That's good enough for me." Christy said as she lied without even blinking. The truth was that she would walk and it would be a long way.

"No, that doesn't seem right. I couldn't do that to you. I can take you wherever you need to go." Jennifer said, and she pulled the car into a parking spot and shifted it into reverse.

"I appreciate that and all, but really, I just don't know what to tell you," Christy said, the honesty finally coming through in her expression. She slumped her shoulders and sighed as it occurred to her that she had not once considered an exit strategy.

"Why not?" Jennifer asked with a reassuring tone. She wanted to support her. She wanted to draw her out so that she would at least talk about it.

"It don't matter," Christy said as she glanced over at Jennifer and then back toward the door. "It's probably best if I just leave. I know I've wasted enough of your time," she said as she pulled on the door handle, but the locks were still engaged.

"Please. Don't go. I promise you don't have to tell me all the gory details if you don't want to, but at least answer one question for me. If where you're going will help you get to where you know should be, then there shouldn't be any reason to be ashamed of it. If it's not where you want to be, then let me help you; please let me help you."

"Now you really do sound like your daddy," Christy said. She took her hand off the door handle and let Jennifer's words soak in. All of her defenses came down, and she felt like she was fifteen again. It was another chance and she weighed that against every impulse she had that told her to leave. She had cried herself to sleep more nights than she could count, wishing and praying for this moment. She closed her eyes, running Jennifer's words through her mind, but this time it was Jack's voice she heard. Every word, every syllable echoed with his love. A father's love, sending a chill down her spine from the end of her fingertips to the tips of her toes. The emotion of the experience mystified her, but it scared her that her brain might overpower her heart. She wanted to give in to it. She needed desperately to give in to it, but her battered soul had touched too many mirages to give in so easily.

"Christy, please say something," Jennifer said, pleading with her after such a silence.

"This all sounds a little too good to be true. I want to be that person I was when I knew him, but I don't see how. It's too late for me. Don't you see that it's just too late? I've gone too far," Christy said with the eerie calm of someone who has given up all hope.

"Meet me halfway, Christy. That's all I ask. You can believe all that despair crap if you want, but it's crap and you know it. If you think it's too good to be true, then enjoy it. Enjoy every minute of it while it lasts. What do you have to lose? If you truly want what you say you want, then give me this chance to finish what he started."

"You know you're just like him. Has anyone ever told you that?" Christy said as she finally released all resistance.

"I can't think of a better compliment, Christy. I only hope that I can come close to measuring up with the best. So, what's it going to be, Christy? It's up to you where we go from here."

"Ok...if you say so, I don't really understand how this is going to go down, but I'm willing to trust you. I'll trust you like I've only trusted one other person."

"Good! Now that we have that taken care of, let me ask you another question. I want you to think for a minute. Think about everything you've done, and most importantly, think about the work that's made you the happiest. If you could do anything, what job do you think you would enjoy the most?"

"I don't rightly know," Christy said. "It's been so long since I've had anything steady that I reckon anything would be good enough for me." Her response took Jennifer by surprise. She was expecting something more defined, but in reality Christy was just keeping her expectation within reason. Jennifer thought about that for a moment and agreed with Christy that maybe that was the best way to go, just keep it simple.

"You know I was thinking about everything I could do to help you reach your potential. Now I see that I was trying to go too fast, just like Dad took you too far too quickly. I want to support you though, put you up for a while and let you get back on your feet. What do you think about that?"

"I don't want to take your money," Christy said half-heartedly.

"Christy, don't let pride keep you from making a better life for yourself. Besides, if it makes you feel any better, it's not really my money," Jennifer said with a devious grin. It's my soon to be ex-husband's money." Christy looked at her then and returned her smile.

"But you have to realize the money is actually the easy part. I know that sounds strange, so let me explain before you say anything. Your lifestyle, your friends, and what you do to get by all has to change for this to work. All this crazy stuff that you're into is blocking your way and it all has to end. Are you willing to commit to that? I mean, you know what it's like, and it has to be absolutely what you want to achieve. Can you do that?" Jennifer said as Christy had heard this all once before, but this time was going to be different. The truth was obvious and if this was ever going to happen it had to be now. She weighed that for a moment and then in her own mind she sold herself out completely and let go.

"I understand what you're telling me and I know exactly what you mean. I've done it before and I'll do everything I can to do it again." She took a deep breath. "I've got to get clean, get a job, get steady, and get a little money saved up. It's that simple and just that hard, but I'm willing to do what needs to get done."

"I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that," Jennifer said with excitement and anticipation. Still, as soon as Christy had made her declaration, she began to look concerned. She was thinking about something, and it looked like she was going through the whole plan in her mind and kept hitting something that wouldn't budge. "I know saying it doesn't make it happen, but it's an important first step. Don't let your past distract you. Only think about what you need to do right now and don't worry about the rest until you have to." Christy nodded her head in agreement, but she still seemed to be caught up in something she couldn't untangle. "It's the job, isn't it?" Jennifer guessed, but she knew she was right as recognition dawned on Christy's face.

"I...I reckon I don't look like I'm exactly ready for an interview."

"That's not a problem. I can help you with that. A shower and a new set of clothes will do wonders for your confidence. Entry-level jobs are fairly easy to come by, so I don't expect that to be a big deal. Trust me. I'll get you through this," Jennifer promised, and she put the car in reverse, backed out of the spot, and headed toward the exit.

"Where are we going?"

"We are going to get you your own place. I've got a hotel near here and I'm going to get you a room by the week. That's the first step. After that we'll see what's available close by, get you some new clothes, and then we can talk about interviews. I figure in a month, give or take, you'll be on your way. Does that sound like a plan?"

"It does, oh and Jennifer?"

"Yes."

"Thank you," Christy said and Jennifer took every bit of it to heart. She reveled in this new challenge and new opportunity. She finally had a purpose; a mission: to finish what her father had started. Christy had been nothing more than a stranger a few hours before and now she was like a sister. A parting gift of her father's life, a life well-lived. His generosity and sense of purpose would shape her actions to come, but she was still human and that at least gave her one small out. The credit card charges would not be small and she thought about the bills immediately after she mentioned putting Christy up in a hotel, a very nice hotel. Then again it was his money, so what did she care? Maybe at least for once it could do some good. She had been a little nervous at first, but now, the more she thought about it, the more it warmed her. Maybe a little revenge isn't so bad after all.

### Thank you for reading Christy.

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