
English: 
🎵He's gonna take you back to the past 🎵
🎵To play the shitty games
that suck ass 🎵
🎵He'd rather have a buffalo
take a diarrhea dump in his ear 🎵
🎵He'd rather eat
the rotten asshole...🎵
🎵of a road killed skunk
and down it with beer 🎵
🎵He's the angriest gamer
you've ever heard 🎵
🎵He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd 🎵
🎵He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd 🎵
🎵He's the Angry Video Game Nerd 🎵

English: 
This is George Armstrong Custer.
He was born on December 5th, 1839.
He was a commander in what was
known as the American Civil War,
and the Indian Wars.
In early 1876,
thousands of Native Americans
escaped from their reservations,
and military officials were ordered
to force them back.
On June 25th 1876,
Custer and his troops engaged in battle with
the Lakota and Northern Cheyenne tribes
near Little Bighorn River, in Montana.
His forces were defeated,
and Custer was killed,
in this day of history
known as "Custer's last stand".
Now, why the fuck am
I telling you this?!
Because I once had a whole class
all about this kind of stuff,
and after a whole day talking about
General Custer, the teacher goes:
"So, there were lots of books
about General Custer,"
"there were lots of movies
and cartoons..."
"Anybody knows of something
that Custer was in?"
"Anybody?"
"Anything about Custer?"

English: 
And I was just thinking:
"Please, stop tempting me!",
because I just wanted to
raise my hand and say:
"Uhm, yeah! Actually..."
"there is an Atari game, "Custer's Revenge",
where you fuck a naked chick up against a cactus!"
Nobody would believe me,
but it was true.
It was a real game,
and it came in a nice leather case,
I guess so the kids couldn't see it.
At the stores,
you had to ask for it,
because it was either hidden behind
the counter or in the back room.
But, anyway, I find the picture
on the front really weird.
The girl's depicted in a realistic style,
where Custer is like
a cartoon character.
And he's way smaller than her,
and he's got a hairy ass.
Well, let's pop this piece of shit in
and give it a go.
I don't even need to comment!
Look at this.
Well, you're both completely naked.
Well, maybe not completely naked.
You'v got a cowboy hat, a pair of boots
and a scarf or an...ascot.
Haha..."ASScot".
So, what's happening?
There's spears dropping from the sky
and you've got to dodge'em.
Oh, look, I got hit.
Then lightning strikes and
you jump out of your boots.

English: 
So the goal is to get over there...
and rape her!
It's terrible,
I can't believe I'm playing this!
Yeah! Fuck her-fuck her-fuck her-fuck her!
That's how you score in this game.
That's funny, right?
Well, it's funny for about two minutes,
then it gets boring.
All you do is bang the chick, dodge the spears,
bang the chick, dodge the spears.
You know, you gotta give
this guy credit:
he's under attack, and he still has the nerve to go over
and screw this woman against a cactus!
I "think" it's a cactus.
With Atari, you really can't tell.
You know what bothers me?
The spears don't even come down all the way.
They like "disappear",
so it doesn't even make sense
when they hit you.
But overanalyzing this game
isn't even worth it.
It's nothing more than a joke,
it stirred up a lot of outrage
when it came out in 1982.
Native Americans were offended,
women activists were offended,
parents were offended,
if their kids got a hold of this,
and I'm offended,
because this game's a fucking piece of shit!
Now, if you think that's crazy,
that there exists a pornographic Atari game,
well, guess what!
There's tons of 'em!
And Atari had nothing to do with it!
See, today this would never be allowed,

English: 
but, back then, anybody could make
a game for the Atari 2600, and sell it.
So, you want to see more?
You sick bastards!
Alright, what kind of surprise
do we have in here?
"Beat'em and Eat'em".
A girl licking an ice cream cone!
But what the fuck's the title about?
It doesn't sound pornographic.
Sounds violent, like you beat
somebody up and eat them.
Oooh...I get it.
"Beat'em..."
"...and eat'em".
Oh, dear.
What have I gotten myself into?
All you do is move these two sluts
back and forth...
to catch this..."stuff"
that this guy shoots down.
Yummy!
Let's take a look at the manual.
And here it says:
"The object of the game is to eat'em
every time he beats'em."
"You score one point for each and every
drop you swallow without a miss."
"But should you miss, shame on you.
You lose one turn."
"Afterall, it could have been
a famous doctor or lawyer."
What kind of sense
does that make?!

English: 
So, the gameplay is basically the
same sort of thing as "Kaboom!".
Except "Kaboom!" was a great game,
but this is just a miserable shitload of fuck!
You've got to be completely accurate
to land it in their mouths.
And it uses the sound effects from Pacman!
(Sound effect)
You get an extra life,
if you get 69 points.
That's clever, right?
You know, there's really something
wrong with this whole scene.
You've got to be a total
fucking whore
to stand naked at the bottom of a building
with your mouth wide open
to catch jizz from some guy
jerking off on top of a roof!
What kind of sick bitches are these?!
And what's the deal with this guy?!
Either he has a huge dick, or he's a dwarf!
What the fuck kind of game is this?!
Alright! Now, here's one for the girls!
It's called "Bachelorette Party".
Yeah, it's a whole bunch of naked dudes!
Whoa, watch out, guys.
It's some crazy bitch
bouncing off the walls!
And it hardly even looks like a girl.
I mean, look at this.
It could be Swamp Thing,
for all I care.
The gameplay's basically like "Breakout",
but flipped on its side.

English: 
You control that thing on the left
to catch the girl and just...
bang all the guys.
What a whore.
Now, here's one for the guys!
It's "Bachelor Party".
It's the same exact game,
except it's a dude going around
having sex with a bunch of girls.
What a stud!
This one's called "Gigolo".
The idea is that you're this nude
woman on the streets,
going around breaking into random houses,
where you find men to have your way with.
You know, that's really weird.
Could you imagine if you're just sitting around,
minding your own business,
then, all of a sudden,
some naked chick breaks in and
starts humping the crap out of you?
You know, that's really not fair.
I get Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger,
and...Spiderman...
...Bugs Bunny!
But no naked chick.
Fuck this shit!
If you break into the wrong house,
you get kicked out
and the cops come after you.
You don't want to get caught
by the cops or the bad guy.
I guess he's supposed to be
a mugger or a...rapist.
How ironic.
Most of the time, he's in prison.

English: 
I'm assuming that's the jailhouse,
and then sometimes he escapes.
So, the cops are after the bad guy,
the bad guy's after you,
and you...
you're after cock.
Now, we've got "Philly Flasher".
Somebody, please,
explain this one to me.
"Philly Flasher"?
Like Philadelphia?
What's Philadelphia
make you think of?
Ben Franklin? The Liberty Bell?
Rocky? Cheesesteaks?
A witch shooting milk
out of her tits?
Well, it's no doubt that the game
could take place in any city,
and that the title is only phonetic.
It might as well be "Chicago Shit Fucker",
or "Dallas Dick Kicker"!
The game's basically the same
as "Beat 'em & Eat 'em".
The only difference is that it's two guys
drinking milk from a witch's tit and...
Oh, god!
What the fuck?!
This game really disturbs me,
but I don't get it!
Is this supposed to be erotic?!
I don't know about you,
but I'm not at all turned on by some
old wrinkly shitty witch titties!
That's fucking nasty, man!
What sick fuck
came up with this?!
What were they thinking?!
Here's a game that's on the same
cart as "Philly Flasher".

English: 
It's called "Cathouse Blues",
and it bears a strange resemblance to "Gigolo".
In fact, it's the same game!
Except you're a dude, instead of a girl.
This guy's got no arms or legs,
but that doesn't hold him back.
You know, why isn't this game called "Philly Flasher",
and this one "Cathouse Blues"?!
They must have fucked up
and switched the titles!
Now we've got "Knight on the Town".
I suppose you're a knight,
and you're on a quest for the Holy Ass.
That's right, your goal is that princess
on the top of the castle.
What he wants to do with her?
Well, take a guess!
So, as usual, the object's pretty simple.
You just grab the blocks
and build a bridge.
But watch out for that crazy monster.
And if the alligators get you,
they bite your dick off.
There's no point of walking,
because he's so damn slow!
So you've just got to keep jumping
and keep in rhythm,
so you don't hit the monster
or the alligators.
I don't have any idea what these
things on their heads are!
They look like Dr. Seuss' characters.
But one thing I never expected to see
Dr. Seuss' characters do is...THIS!

English: 
Alright! Just one more game,
because I've had enough.
This one is "Jungle Fever".
I like to call it "Jungle Cunt".
Well, honestly I don't know
what to say about this one.
How did they come up
with this stuff?!
Alright, guys, let's have...
a naked big breasted woman
hanging from a helicopter,
shooting at flames with a
naked guy in between,
and some cannibal bitches,
I guess, trying to kill you.
What the fuck?!
The goal is to put out the flames
and rescue him.
And to celebrate...
why not?
Well...what can you say?
Atari and porn...
Witches, door-to-door prostitutes,
rooftop beaters, cowboy rapists...
What more can you ask for?!
Remember the commercials:
"Have you played Atari today?"?
Well, fuck yeah I did!
But you don't want to know
what I was playing.
(Megaman 2 - Metal Man Theme Remix)

Italian: 
(Remix di "Megaman 2 - Metal Man Theme")
