I’ve been really getting into all this end
of the world stuff.
It’s all I’ve been watching.
No pandemics obviously.
But nuclear winters, zombie apocalypses, the
planet becoming uninhabitable, hostile alien
invasions, the universe collapsing in on itself.
Sign me up, I love it.
But now it’s got to the point where I’ve
seen pretty much all of it.
Disaster movies.
Doctor Who finales.
This guy in Nebraska on YouTube who’s put
the date of the rapture back twice in one week.
I’ve watched the planet die out dozens of
times.
It’s kind of reassuring in a way.
So I’m on the phone to Izzy and I’m telling
her all this.
She says I need to watch this artsy German
film;
A woman has to find her boyfriend and her
kids before she dies of radiation poisoning.
This comes from the sort of person
who refuses to buy a smartphone and reads
existentialist philosophy to get themselves
to sleep.
I miss Izzy going on for hours, being pretentious.
Miss her like mad.
So as soon as we’re off the phone,
I give Amazon £7.99 to watch it, because they’ve
not got nearly enough money coming in at the moment.
*SIGH*
Today’s been too bloody long.
This film will give me a couple of hours’
peace.
But it turns out
[In American Accent] “Audio description
is not available for this title”.
I can’t believe it!
I wanted to know exactly how your skin peels
off your body. Exactly!
Maybe they’ll have an English dub.
I’ll at least get the gist.
*GROANS*
[American Accent] "Audio Settings: One: German.”
I throw the remote at the TV!
I hear the back of the remote fall off as
soon as it hits the telly.
The batteries pop out and roll around.
They stop as the remote hits the floor.
A pretty good throw.
I should go to the Paralympics.
*GROANS*
I’m hit in the face by the smell of microwave
pasta and Rothman’s cigarettes.
Ezra!
He picks up the remote.
I feel the sofa sink a little.
He sits next to me, fixing it.
Not right next to me, he’s on the other
cushion.
But that’s where Phil sits.
He knows that’s where Phil sits, he’s
seen us.
I want to say something, but I don’t.
He starts speaking, in that wavy, hesitant
voice of his.
It took me two weeks to work out he wasn’t
about to cry all the time.
[Impression of Ezra] “I’ve
heard about this.
It’s got good reviews.
Do you mind if I watch it?
I need something to take my mind off things
you know?”.
I say “Comes to something
when nuclear armageddon’s a bit of light
escapism isn’t it?”
He laughs too hard.
I tell him I can’t watch it.
Like physically can’t.
There’s no AD, no dub and I don’t speak
German.
But he’s all “No, no.
I’ll watch it with you.
I can tell you what’s going on.
It’s fine”.
He describes everything that’s happening
on the screen to me, he reads out the subtitles.
He’s even telling me when the translation’s
a bit dodgy.
Turns out his dad’s German.
We’ve never talked for this long before.
Half an hour in.
I go and get beer.
Offer him one, because I can hear his mouth’s
going dry.
What’s in it for him?
Sitting here with me.
Oh God.
Does he fancy me?
He knows about Phil.
Well, as much as I know about Phil.
I don’t want to have to reject him.
He sounds like he’s close to tears normally,
what’s he going to be like then?
Or… he needs money off me.
That’ll be it.
Somebody who’s financially solvent doesn’t
subsist on one ready meal a day and fifteen
Rothman’s.
Coming to me for money!
Scumbag.
Or is he trying to make himself feel better?
Help the helpless blind girl.
I’m not that person.
At all.
He doesn’t know me.
I don’t even speak to him.
Not properly.
Only to say hello.
Or ask him if he wants anything from the shop.
I don’t know him.
I live with him.
And Saf and Phil obviously, but we all live
with him and he’s basically a stranger.
To all of us.
That’s not right, is it?
There’s no good way to ask him what the
hell he’s after so I thank him.
He says it’s not a problem.
He reckons it must be hard for me at the moment.
I tell him the truth.
It’s not too bad.
I still have a job, I’m fed watered, can
get my meds easily enough, and sadly having
an internet telly really helps.
I miss being able to go out normally.
I miss my family, I really miss my friends,
but so does everybody as far as I can tell.
Only thing is, with my eyes, social distancing’s
a bit impossible, so I haven’t really been
going out much.
Saf or Phil can give me an elbow, but I have
to rely on when they’re free or not too
tired.
I’ve been a bit of a shut-in.
He says
“I’m the same.
Well, not the same same, But I’ve got this
condition, Charcot-Marie-Tooth, get in so
much b****** pain if I exercise for too long.
So I only go somewhere if I’ve got somewhere
to be.
Except I haven’t really at the moment.
Other than the supermarket or the chemist’s.”
I had no idea.
There’s no sticks or chairs or different
settings on the TV.
I feel like a right knobhead.
He puts the film back on because I think he
knows this.
He keeps describing it.
With the occasional stop for if there’s
a bit of music, or if I make a joke, or if
he makes a joke.
He’s actually pretty funny.
I didn’t know that either.
Phil comes in, says hello, puts the shopping
away.
I tell him to come and watch it with us but
he needs to ring his mum.
And I realise I’m not jumpy because Ezra’s
in the same room as me anymore.
The ending of the film is harrowing.
Izzy could have warned me.
Jesus wept.
Ezra’s trying to explain it but he has to
stop and get us tissues.
I thank him again.
He says it’s no problem, but it’s the
only thing I can think of to say.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank
you.
