Translator: Cristina Bufi-Pöcksteiner
Reviewer: Robert Tucker
Good evening, everyone.
Thank you very much for having me.
I want you to think
of the word "disability".
What springs to mind?
Is it limitation?
Is it challenge?
I can almost guarantee
that the word "can't"
will be in the sentence
that you've conjured up.
What I hope to do today
is change perceptions.
I'd like the words "can" and "opportunity"
to be there when you think of disability.
But I also want to talk about
what some consider a very uncomfortable,
but also empowering, subject.
The subject of disability,
sex and relationships.
But I'd like my friends at Enhance the UK
to introduce it for you.
(Music)
(Video) [Sophie's story]
Until I got MS at 27 years old,
I had a very active life.
At school I had regular boyfriends,
and at sixteen,
I happily lost my virginity.
I then did A levels at college
and met a chap in a club
and travelled around Australia with him.
It was a very physical time.
We climbed Ayers Rock
and completed a diving course.
We split when we got home to England,
as I wanted to be single
when I started university.
I had a few short-term relationships
and then met a doctor
whilst I was working as a physio.
I moved in with him.
The relationship broke down
when I was diagnosed with MS.
My life changed drastically.
This is Sophie's life.
These are Sophie's words,
but she's borrowing my voice.
[Through an eye gaze board,]
[Sophie asked her sister Paula
to voice her thoughts.]
I've always had a good sex drive.
When I was working, it was easy
to meet people with similar interests.
I've found it increasingly frustrating.
I want friends, relationships and sex.
But I can't wear and walk
in clothes that are sexy.
I can't get into the positions I want to.
I worry about getting my clothes off,
I'm concerned
about problems with my bladder.
I want others to know
that just because I'm limited physically
I still am a sexual being.
I wanted to voice my frustration.
[Sophie didn't give up on her sex life,]
[but felt that those around her had.]
Sophie's saying:
"Well, I've had one night stands before,
so why can't I have it now?"
And she's got a damn good point.
Sophie wanted to explore and meet people.
The carers didn't want to get involved,
they didn't want to text.
I didn't know whom to talk to about it.
Both Sophie and I are very, very open,
but it's a topic that people
just don't want to talk about.
[Discussing sex and disability
is often seen as a taboo.]
When someone becomes disabled,
whether it be through an injury
or they've become ill,
addressing someone's sexual needs
very rarely happens, if ever.
[Enhance the UK
is working to change this.]
Enhance the UK
is a user-led disability charity,
and we aim to take away
the fear factor around disability
and support disabled people
in having an active social and sex life.
Enhance the UK were great,
they're very open
and just made the whole subject normal,
which it is.
There are lots of people out there
that do need support,
and, actually, not only
disabled people themselves,
family members of those disabled people,
loved ones of those disabled people,
they need some support too sometimes.
And we're that platform.
Mainstream society thinks
that people with disabilities
don't, won't and can't have sex,
and I think we're here
to prove that's just not true,
that one thing that they might have
is just a few more questions
about how they go about doing that,
and also doing things
such as online dating,
disclosing their disability,
having the confidence
to get out there and grab a relationship.
We created The Love Lounge
with Mik and Emily,
who were two disabled people themselves,
and we call them the non-expert sexperts.
But they are two people
who are open and they want to talk,
and if they don't know the answer,
or they don't think they can give advice,
they will research,
and they will look for advice
that we can then feed back
to the people who are writing in to us.
Sex is something that we all want,
we all should enjoy,
and we all have a right to enjoy.
And The Love Lounge,
that's our ethos.
Everyone should be able to have sex,
and we advise people
how they can do that.
[Enhance the UK is campaigning for wider
and better sexual education in the UK.]
Brook is really supportive
of the Undressing Disability campaign
and everything it stands for.
Disabled women are twice as likely
as able-bodied women
to experience intimate,
domestic and sexual violence.
So it's really, really important
that young disabled people
have access to good quality sex
and relationships education
that meets their needs.
[With better education and support,]
[sex doesn't have to be
an uncomfortable subject.]
There is advice out there,
and it doesn't matter
how severe your disability is,
there is a way that you can be sexual.
It may not be penetrative sex,
but it is a way to be sensual and sexual,
and that exists for absolutely everybody.
Enhance the UK
has enabled myself and Sophie
to feel comfortable discussing
sexuality and disability,
and to move forwards,
which has meant that she is now
happily in a relationship.
Simply put, the more help
we get from donations and from funding,
the more support
we can give to people like Sophie.
Just a little update for you:
Sophie is now engaged.
(Applause)
Yes, it's very good news.
(Applause)
Alright, so let's go back
to that word "disability",
and the fact that very few of us see it
as desirable and attractive and sexy.
Why is that,
and how can we change that?
I'd like to propose
three ways of doing so.
The first one being to ask questions,
the second one
to increase our inclusivity,
and the third one to up the ante
in how caring we are.
Let's look at the first one:
asking questions.
I get asked plenty
of questions about my disabilities,
and not all of them
are ones that I want to hear.
Quite a few men come up to me in a bar,
think they're being cool,
think they're chatting me up.
Before they even say hi to me,
they ask me whether
or not I can have sex.
My answer:
"Yes I can, my friend,
but I won't be having it with you."
(Laughter)
So, how can we ask the right questions?
How do we do it?
One way of doing that
is via The Love Lounge.
You've heard a little bit about it there.
The Love Lounge is run
by myself and Mik Scarlet,
who is quite a well-known TV personality.
You may have heard of him.
What we do is we run an open forum
where people with disabilities,
their friends, their family,
their loved ones,
anybody that knows them
and has a question,
can write in with anything
regarding disability,
sex, relationships, dating.
You name it, we've heard it,
and we've answered the question.
We're the only forum out there
that allows this to happen.
It is really, really important
that these conversations are starting,
and they're happening,
and more people are talking about
disability, sex and relationships.
Especially with the online world today,
I have so many young girls
writing to me,
saying they've just
set up a Tinder profile,
and they are not sure
whether to put their wheelchair
within their profile picture,
or to put something
about their disability in their bio.
The answer is:
it is totally up to them.
But it is really, really vital
they get that information
that they need.
And they have a forum,
an opportunity, a platform
to express their feelings.
I really do urge you,
if you have a disability yourself,
or know somebody that does,
or you've got a burning question
that you really want answered,
to write into us at The Love Lounge,
via Enhance the UK.
The second point that I've got to make
is all about increasing inclusivity.
When we think about access and inclusion,
this is a really tough one
because we often think about
wheelchair ramps for hotels, great;
British sign language interpreters
for people that are deaf, brilliant;
and guide dogs for the blind.
All these things are absolutely amazing
and vital for an inclusive society.
But what we often don't consider
is the social sphere
that we've got going on.
Within that social sphere
exists sex education within schools.
What I want to propose
is that we have inclusive sex education.
Because, as you heard in the video,
disabled women are twice as likely
as their able-bodied peers
to suffer from sexual abuse.
Twice as likely.
Now, we all know and probably accept
that disability does equal
a degree of vulnerability.
But what doesn't aid that vulnerability
is the fact that sex education in schools
currently isn't very relatable
for anybody with a disability.
A girl in a wheelchair
would sit in a lesson,
and she'd be watching these sex ed videos,
and their bodies would function
totally differently to hers.
They don't look like her body looks.
So she comes out of the lesson
with, actually, very little knowledge
of how her body would work within sex.
Very, very similar situation
for somebody who is hard of hearing
or somebody who has a learning difficulty.
The content within these sex
education lessons
is really tough to understand
if your reading age isn't
particularly high, for example.
You come out of the lesson
none the wiser about intimacy
and relationships.
Where are you supposed
to get that information from?
We can now see
that's where that vulnerability increases,
and that's where the chance
of sexual abuse increases as well.
It's really, really important
that we think about that.
Enhance the UK have set up
a petition on change.org.
So please, if you fancy signing it,
please do so, just search for us.
The third point: upping the ante
in how caring we are.
Many young disabled people
require a little bit of care and support,
within their home lives,
within their school lives,
whatever they've got going on.
One thing that often
isn't in any of their care plans
is anything to do
with sex and relationships.
Particularly for young disabled boys
going through puberty,
they are often labelled
as naughty, aggressive and angry.
When, actually, they are probably
really flipping sexually frustrated,
with nobody to talk to about it,
nowhere to turn,
and no idea of what's going on
within their bodies.
This is something that,
again, we must change.
The good thing is
that we are all sat here today,
and we're having a conversation about it.
And these conversations are happening,
they are increasingly becoming
out there for people.
So, there is something
that is going on that's brilliant.
But there is also another side of my talk
that I need to talk to you about.
And that's a rather uncomfortable
subject of devoteeism.
Devoteeism is probably something
that not many of you have heard about,
because it really is an underground world.
It is something that I have
only just discovered
after presenting a BBC 3
documentary on disability and sex.
Devotees are people
who find people with disabilities
sexually attractive
because of their disability.
Whether you be a wheelchair user,
an amputee,
or managing incontinence
on a regular basis.
That issue is really,
really attractive to a devotee.
It might be hard to believe,
but if I were sat in a bar
with hundreds of models,
a devotee might just pick me.
Now, there's something about devoteeism
which can be really empowering.
You know, disabled people
feel 100% accepted for who they are,
for every little piece of them,
and especially for the pieces of them
that mainstream society has
often told them are not very desirable.
So, devotees can be a great thing.
But there can also be a lot
of vulnerability and power issues
surrounding devoteeism.
Devotees are known to stalk
people with disabilities,
are known to set up
fake social media profiles,
are known to film disabled people
on their mobile phones
as they are going
and doing their weekly shop.
This is something that people
with disabilities and without disabilities
need to be made aware of.
Devotees can also create online catalogues
of what they call Disability Porn.
Don't mistake this for the porn
that we all know.
Disability porn rarely has
any sexual acts in it whatsoever.
It really does just involve
people with disabilities
doing the most boring, everyday tasks
that you can imagine.
Transferring from their bed
to their wheelchair,
having a wash in the morning,
going around Tesco,
or getting in and out of their car.
To me and you, not really worth seeing.
But the whole point is
that these tasks exhibit the disabled body
and show a struggle
which devotees find sexually arousing.
I'm not here to judge,
I'm not here to advocate
for or against a relationship
with a devotee.
What I am here to advocate,
and what Enhance the UK
is here to advocate,
is for everybody
to know their sexual rights,
for everybody
to have an opportunity
to have a filling, satisfactory,
consensual, exciting relationship,
whether they have a disability or not.
We are also fighting
for an informed understanding
within education,
an inclusive education at that.
I hope I've given you some insight
into the world of disability and sex.
Thank you so much.
(Applause)
