

The Ninety-Nine Rose Series

The Complete Set

Includes:

Telling Me With Roses

Stemming From Secrets

Blooming With Love

### by

### Mareta L. Miller

### Telling Me With Roses

### (Book 1 in the Ninety-Nine Roses series)

### 1st Edition July 2015

### Copyright © 2015 by

### Mareta L. Miller

### Photographs by Alizabeth D. Kaminski

### This is a work of fiction. All names, locations, and characters are fictitious and are a product of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual events, names, locales, or persons living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

### 1 rose signifies the moment I met you, I knew it was love at first sight.

### 3 roses, a way to say that I love you, when afraid the time wasn't right.

### 24 roses, the hours a day you should know that you're on my mind.

### 99 roses says "I'll love you forever," until the end of time.

Julia

I STIR FROM MY SLEEP as I hear rustling in the closet. As soon as he sees me moving he comes over to the bed, lying across it on his stomach, and kisses my neck, following the curve down to my bare chest. When he reaches my breast, he pauses and looks up at my face.

"Good morning, my beautiful wife."

He says something like this to me every morning, and it never gets old. I never tire of the many small terms of endearment he utters to me because they are not routine and meaningless, and each one is heartfelt and genuine.

"Good morning, babe. I don't want to get up." I drape my arm over my eyes in an act of denial and disobedience.

"Do you need my help getting up this morning?" As he says this, his hand drifts up my leg and settles between my thighs, not quite touching my opening but grazing its boundaries. In the end, I will, in fact, get out of bed but his question is less aimed at simply getting me up, but rather getting me off.

Glancing over at the clock, I look back at him. "We don't have long, Mr. Morreau."

"Mmmmm, we don't need long, Mrs. Morreau," he says, as he takes my nipple in his mouth while he closes the final distance and drives his fingers inside me. "You are always so ready in the mornings, it's no wonder I love waking up to you every day."

A moan escapes me as he continues the motion with his finger. I never want to get up, and he knows this. But he also knows that after morning sex, there is no chance of me falling back to sleep. He's happy, I'm awake, and starting the day with an orgasm never hurt anyone.

He moves to where he's on top of me and wedges himself so that he's nestled between my legs. He kisses me deep even though I still have the taste of sleep in my mouth. I don't think I will ever tire of this and after almost ten years, just the thought of me naked still excites him. He pushes himself into me holding his mouth to mine. I think he loves the feel of me sucking his air in as I gasp upon his entry. After all this time, he still has the element of surprise when he first thrusts into me.

We fit together so perfectly, like the notes of a beautiful piece of music. So fluent and so effortless. We were made only for each other. Containing our lust is not a strong trait for either of us and after only a few minutes we are both approaching our point of release. So in tune with each other's bodies, we climb together and finally—ecstasy. We explode together, feeling each other tremble with the force of our orgasms. He falls on top of me struggling for breath. I fight for my own below him.

"Are you awake now, my love?" He says while lifting himself up to take his weight onto his forearms.

"Yes, I am. Thank you very much for your wake-up services once again." I kiss him on his nose and wiggle to get him to move off of me. He resists for a second but kisses me back on my nose and moves off the bed.

I sit up and check my phone and officially turn off the alarm. It's Friday, which always equates to a crazy-busy or better described as stressful-as-hell day for me. But this week has extra-added bonuses.

We have awesome plans for this weekend. Alex, the kids, and I are going camping. We call it camping when really it's going up to our friends' cabin and sleeping in our own tent, but it comes with all the staple camping activities. We get to hike, roast marshmallows, and tell scary stories. The main attraction is that it's out of the city and away from work, home, and studies for a couple of days. We would usually save this trip for the summer but with my schooling coming to an end, we thought it would be a nice finish to it all. My friend says snow is expected for the next few days, and the kids can't wait to go sledding and to build snowmen. This trip is going to be cold but then again, it's still only mid-January.

"Remember, today I need you to drop the kids off at school. I want to go in early to prepare for my last evaluation and interview. I'm going to drive in instead of taking the train today." I can't believe that I'm almost done, that all this is becoming real. After this evaluation I'll have my degree, my internship will end, and my career will begin. I walk over and hug my still naked body to his now clothed one. "This is all happening because of you. You pushed me. You encouraged me to do what I loved, what I wanted." I give him a grateful smile and kiss him.

"I will never be able to thank you enough but now, I need to get in the shower!" I turn to run for the bathroom, and he gives me a playful smack on the ass.

I hold up my finger, "Huh uh, Mr. Morreau. Later, you can officially nail the new editor at Miljone Publishing. But for now, you'll just have to fantasize about it." I blow him a kiss and close the door, shaking my ass and knowing it's driving him crazy.

Since I'm not a long shower person, I emerge about twenty minutes later. Needing only to finish my hair and makeup, I go downstairs, towel still on my head, to make sure the kids are all put together for the day and to help if they're not. As I enter the kitchen, I see my three favorite people in the entire world and remind myself why I have worked so hard and what this final step today means for all of us. Walking over to the table, I step between Toby and Katie. Grabbing them both and squeezing them to me, I plant kisses on the top of their heads and head over to the breakfast bar to fill my coffee cup.

"And how are you two this morning? Homework in your bags, ready for spelling tests?" I get an affirmative head shake from Katie and nothing from Toby. "Katie, spell 'together.'"

"Together. t-o-g-e-t-h-e-r. Together," she smiles as she knows she is correct.

"Very good. Toby, spell 'volcano.'"

"Volcano. v-a-l-c-a-n-o. Volcano."

I come over to Toby and crouch down in front of him. "You have to remember, buddy, 'volcano' doesn't have an 'a' in the beginning, it's an 'o,' okay? You'll do great." I stand and ruffle the hair on his head as I return to my coffee.

Toby and Katie are twins, and though inseparable most days, they couldn't be more different. Things are a little harder for him. He gets it; it just takes him a little longer. He has a mechanical mind, and he works better when things are hands-on. He can't just read about it, he has to do it. What's hard is reminding his sister that it is impolite to remind him that she gets things, especially things like spelling, quicker than he does. She's our book-smart child. She can read about anything and give you a full report in an hour. Oddly enough, and though I'm not a twin, I did the same thing to my brother. She is her mother's daughter, and Toby is his father's son.

After we were blessed with the two of them, we never thought of having more. I had a really hard pregnancy, and I wasn't advised to try it again. We had a son and a daughter, the perfect square. Top it off with a golden Labrador named Sam and a house in the suburbs. Our family was complete.

I head back upstairs to finish getting ready. I've picked out a gray pin skirt suit, a black blouse, and my nothing-but-business black pumps. When I stand back to look at myself in the mirror, the woman looking back at me is professional and confident. Dressed to kill, not a hair out of place, ready to kick ass and take names. "You have this Julia. It's all yours." One last smile at my reflection and I turn to leave the room.

"Okay, everybody, I'm off. Wish me luck. Today means a lot to all of us. Toby, 'volcano' with an 'o' got it?" I chug down the last of my coffee and set my cup in the sink.

"Got it, mom, 'o,'" and he gives me a thumbs-up.

"Katie, remember to be polite, got it?"

"Got it, mom. Good luck on your interview today."

I step back over to the table giving each one of my loves a kiss and hug, ending with Alex, who I always kiss as though it's the last time I'll have that chance. I grab my briefcase, my purse, and my coat and head out the door. When I get to the car, I realize I've forgotten my keys, but then I hear the footsteps of the man I love coming my way.

"Did you plan on getting far without these?" he asks as he dangles the keys from his finger.

"I'm just nervous. On the outside, you'd never know, but in here," I tap the side of my head, "I'm freaking out. I know it will go great. I know what I'm doing. It's just that I've—we've—sacrificed so much, this means so much. What if I don't get it? I just need this to be over. I need to—"

"Believe in yourself," he finishes the phrase for me. He knows me better than I know myself.

"I love you." It's as simple as that. There's no need to recite Shakespeare, to compare what we have to the size of the universe, or to use big words to describe how we feel. I love you, just three little words.

"I love you, babe. I'll be right there with you, right here," he places his hand on my chest, right over my heart. "Now get out of here, or you'll have no time. And not to mention my hand is dangerously close to your tits right now. I could derail both of us."

"Sure, throw out an offer you know I can't accept. Tease!"

"Whatever! I couldn't sway you for anything right now." I just smile because for the first time maybe ever, I'm choosing something else over sex with my husband. "Celebration dinner tonight! Lobster, wine, anything for my woman."

Then one last kiss, that lingers on my lips after we've pulled apart. I get in the car placing all my things on the passenger seat, start the car, and back out of the driveway.

Julia

MOST AREAS OF MY FINAL evaluation have been presented in the form of work assignments over the last few weeks. They were generally proofreads for real pieces of work our company has been hired to edit and publish. When I first started my internship, I would get the same types of work but it was on a check and recheck basis so that I could learn from my mistakes and prove my worthiness. Now my future depends on it and from here on out any mistake that leaves my desk could be for the world to see and for my reputation and the company's to be left tarnished.

My final evaluation is, from what I hear, more of an interview, a recap of my triumphs and failures. Knowing that doesn't stop me from trying to go over all the things I've learned during my internship. I figure it's typical of them to throw a couple of fastball questions and expect a quick catch under pressure. After all, this profession is constantly under the pressure of deadlines and governed by high expectations.

The most important thing is that the decision made today will also define the completion of my degree. To be hired from the intern program would mean everything to me. Alex encouraged me, actually pushed me to go back to school after the twins were born. It was hard, and it moved slowly, only being able to go part-time. It took too much of my time away from my family. So hopefully this day will mean the beginning of something better for all of us.

I get to the conference room ten minutes early. I can only hope that on the outside, I look as confident and kept together as my reflection showed this morning because, on the inside, I think I just might pass out. Suddenly I feel as if I'm going to be sick. I know it's just anxiety. Deep breaths, in and out. I'm going to be fine. I put my hand on my chest and feel what Alex told me earlier, he's with me, right here. The door to the conference room opens, and the editor in chief, Frank Lawson, steps into the doorway.

"Ms. Morreau, would you please come in." He's a very nice man. He's been a mentor for me these last few months. I don't find him intimidating usually, but I know he holds some weight in today's decision. I just hope that I've impressed him enough up to this point.

With a file in his hand, he uses it to point to the large table surrounded by ten chairs, six of which are filled with people that I haven't yet met.

"Please have a seat, Ms. Morreau."

"Yes, sir, thank you."

I take a seat at the front of the table across from the now seven occupied chairs. My stomach continues to knot, but I will get through this. I've worked too hard to mess this up now. I take a deep breath and try to focus on the people seated before me.

Frank introduces the people before me. Basically, they are the board members and investors that profit greatly from the work done here. Though I see their presence as unnecessary, I'm sure that with their financial interests, they insist on being present.

"Ms. Morreau, we have found your time here at Miljone Publishing to be very advantageous. For example, you have proven yourself through the multiple tasks you have been given, completing each within your time constraints. You carry an almost nonexistent error rate and have gained the respect of nearly all of our senior editors. You're very impressive. Have you enjoyed your position here, Ms. Morreau?"

"Yes, I have. Very much. For so long, too long really, this is what I've wanted to do."

"You know that you are only one of five interns we took in this year. You've ranked top five in your class and were highly recommended for this internship. We only have room for one editor on our team and in the past, on occasion, we have elected not to keep anyone from the internship program. After all, grades and good work are only part of a winning combination. We are looking for the best, Ms. Morreau. A person who can hit the ground running, be trustworthy, punctual with deadlines, respectful of the clients, and thorough in their work at all times. That requires passion as well."

"Yes, sir."

"Do you think you possess these qualities and can bear the responsibilities that accompany a position here at Miljone?"

"Yes, sir, I do. I hope that I have proved that in my time here." The knots in my stomach are nearly unbearable now. Please let this end soon. I don't believe I've ever stressed myself to a point of pain of this magnitude.

"Indeed you have, Ms. Morreau. That's why it is a pleasure for me and my colleagues to offer you a position here at Miljone Publishing." All the faces in the room turn from serious business to smiles, and I'm sure mine does the same.

"From this moment on you are no longer an intern, you are an editor and the newest official member of our team." It takes all I have to contain myself. I want to scream and jump around acting like someone who just hit a jackpot. I want to give every one of them a hug, and I'm not one of those _huggy_ people. But in an attempt to remain professional, I simply plaster a smile on my face.

"Thank you, Mr. Lawson, and all of you as well. I will not disappoint you." I stand and move around the table to shake each of their hands. I thank each one because I know this decision had to have received their approval. Even though they know nothing more than what they've been told, if it weren't for each of them I wouldn't be here now.

After they have all made their way out of the room, Mr. Lawson approaches me. "Well done, Julia. I knew you would be the one this time, from the moment I finished your first proofread. Now I want you to go down to personnel and get all your paperwork done. Then I want you to go home for the day, celebrate with your family, and we will see you at eight o'clock Monday morning."

"Thank you again, Mr. Lawson. I can't thank you enough. I won't let you down, I promise."

"I'm sure you won't, you've worked too hard for it. Now, get your paperwork done and get out of here. See you Monday. And from here on out, call me Frank." He turns and walks away, headed in the direction of his office.

My stomach hasn't let up, so him giving me the rest of the day off was a blessing. I hurry to personnel so that I can call Alex and give him this amazing news, although he won't be surprised. He knew I had this.

On the way home I dial Alex three times and each time it goes directly to voicemail. This is odd, he never turns his phone off. Since I've been interning he was the best contact for the kids. He has the flexibility to answer his calls when I don't.

I call his office number and get Lindsay, his receptionist. "Good morning, Lindsay. It's Julia, can I speak to Alex, please?"

"I'm sorry, Julia, but he never came in today." There is an odd hesitation in her voice like she's delivering troublesome news.

A stab of pain shoots through my stomach making me cringe so hard that I almost lose control of the car. I pull over to the side of the road, holding my abdomen and feeling light-headed.

"What do you mean, he never came in? Did he call? Did he have business out of the office this morning that maybe you've forgotten?" I know I'm starting to sound frantic, maybe even psychotic. I just keep firing off questions without giving her a chance to answer.

"He just never came in, I don't know. It's not like him at all not to call. I'm sorry, but I don't know what else to say, Julia. I'll let him know you're trying to reach him if he shows up." I can hear the atonement in her voice.

"Ok, thank you." It's all I can manage, and I hang up.

I know that Alex is not screwing around behind my back. That is never a concern. But where is he and why isn't he answering his phone? And why won't this pain go away?

I decide to go home, maybe he's there. Maybe one of the kids got sick, and he's there with them. Maybe he didn't call because of my meeting. I'm sure that's it, he's got to be at home. But why didn't he call work? I pull up in the drive, and his car is not there. What is going on? I get out of the car and head to the house. I run from room to room throwing open doors. "Alex! Toby! Katie! Is anyone here?" Nothing. No one.

Only Sam runs up to greet me. I'm starting to panic now. The pain is getting worse. I get to the couch and sit. I try to take deep breaths with my head between my knees, but they all come up too short. My vision fades and blurs. I'm going to pass out. That's my last conscious thought.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Banging. I hear banging followed by Sam's barking. I come to, and I'm confused. I'm at home. Why? I look around, disoriented, trying to recall what happened. The pain in my stomach has dulled but is still there. Again, the banging. I realize there's someone at the door. I try to right myself and stand. I'm a little unsteady, but I can get to the door. I push Sam back, and I open it to find two officers. The pain quickly intensifies. Why are they here? Where. Is. Alex?

"Mrs. Morreau?" one of them, a female, finally says.

"Yes, officer. Can I help you?"

"Are you Julia Morreau?" I nod. "May we step inside for a moment, Mrs. Morreau?" the other asks. He's a hard-looking older man, nothing but business.

"Of course, come in. Is something the matter, something I can help you with? I'm really not feeling very well." My words come out light as a feather, my breath short again. I know now that something is wrong, very wrong.

I motion for them to sit, and they ask me to sit as well. This is not good. Where is the air dammit? I. Can't. Breathe.

"We have some news, Mrs. Morreau. There was an accident," the male officer says. He's very straight and to the point, showing no reserve and no sympathy.

My breath catches and I lift my hand to my mouth. There is only one reason they come to your house to tell you things like this. Tears start to fill my eyes, so I look down, but nod for them to continue.

"There was no time to save them." The female says in a much softer tone.

I stop listening. Them. More than one. The most precious people in my life are gone. I'm pulled back by the sound of the officer saying my name more loudly than before. He's trying to bring me back to a place I'd rather not be. Again I nod.

"My daughter? My son? My husband?" Each question is a whisper giving them no time to answer.

"All of them, Mrs. Morreau. I'm sorry." He's softer now, the rough authority having left his tone. I can now hear pain in his voice. The regret of having to be the one delivering this news. I shouldn't be mad at him, but I am. I want to hate him for being the one to tell me this.

I jump from the couch and run, stumbling down the hall to the bathroom where I expel the contents of my stomach.

I slam my hands on the sides of the toilet seat as I kneel in front of it. "NO! NO! This isn't happening! The kids are taking their spelling test right now. Toby is spelling volcano with an 'o.' He's spelling it right! And Katie, she's going to ace it like she always does. She's so damn smart like her father. And Alex, he's not at work because he's planning a special dinner to celebrate. He knew I would get the job. He's out buying flowers and a nice bottle of wine. He said we would have lobster! This is all wrong! It's not my family!" I am saying all of this aloud, but to myself as the tears cloud my vision. I'm working it out so that I can tell them there must be some mistake. I look up to see the female officer standing at the bathroom door. I look into her eyes and plead with her silently. "Please tell me this is a mistake, please. Tell me you're wrong. It's not them."

She looks back at me with as much sadness and sympathy as she's allowed to show. And when she speaks to me her voice is low and soft like a mother's when she's trying to soothe a child.

"I'm sorry. There is no mistake, Mrs. Morreau. Is there someone you can call? Any family that can come be with you now? I don't want to leave you here alone."

I nod yes, but the answer is no. There's no one I want here. No one that can help me understand. No one that can change what's happened. We were all the family each other had. Now I'm alone, and my heart has just been ripped out.

Julia

AFTER THE OFFICERS LEAVE, I have no idea how long I just sit here. Seconds, minutes, hours? I have no idea because time has stopped. I am stuck in the worst moment of my life, absolutely powerless. Sam nudges my hand, but I wave him off. I'm still clutching the card the officers left in my hand. I can't read it though because my eyes are blurred with tears that won't stop falling. Finally, I drift off to sleep but it doesn't last. Not even complete exhaustion can ward off the replay of that moment in my head. It's like a looped video, over and over, never changing. It always ends the same.

I keep waking, sometimes only for a second before I'm pulled back in. I have no idea how much time passes, the only change I notice is that the sun is going down, and there is an orange stream of light from the sunset sneaking in through the cracks in the curtains. Alex and the kids have not come home yet to prove that there was any mistake, that they're all still alive. Reality is beginning to sink in. I doze off again.

The next few times I come into consciousness it's dark, nearly pitch black. Sam raises his head from where he lay on the floor beside me. As my eyes adjust to the darkness I can see that he is looking at me, he whines and again nudges my hand that hangs off the side of the couch.

"They'll be home soon, boy. Don't worry, they're on their way," I say as I pet the soft fur on his head.

My voice is cracked and low, and even I don't recognize it. It's barely a whisper. I figure that I've probably been crying while I slept due to the dryness of my eyes and throat. But I will not cry anymore because they'll be home any time now. I just have to believe this. I sit up and stare towards the door. Any minute now they will be home.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I am awakened by the sound of my phone. I sit up frantic, no memory of falling back asleep. I try to get up quickly just to fall to the floor. It's Alex. I know it. He's finally calling to let me know he's okay and to tell me where he is. Not trusting my legs to stand again, I crawl to where my purse is on the kitchen table. I grab the phone and not bothering to look at the screen, I answer.

"Alex! Babe, where are you? Are you okay? Are the kids with you? Where have you been? I've been going crazy, they told me you were..." It's in that phrase that I finally take a breath because I don't want to say it, and the person on the other end sees their opening to speak.

"Mrs. Morreau, this is Bruce Hill from Hills Mortuary. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. We would like you to know that we are here to make all of this easier for you, so please let us assist you any way we can."

The realization hits me that not only are they gone but it's been at least a day, maybe two, that I've had no clue I've lost. "Yes. Yes, of course. I'm sorry, but I will have to call you back." I hang up. I don't need to hear any more. I don't get a number, and I don't ask him to repeat his name. They. Are. Gone.

I repeat that mantra in my head at least a thousand times while sitting there on the kitchen floor holding my knees to my chest.

"I hope you all knew just how much I love you. Toby, my sweet boy. Katie, my princess. Alex, love of my life. I don't know how I'll live without you." And again the tears flow and this time I don't try to stop them.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Three weeks have passed now. The funerals are over, and the visitors are gone. I am finally left alone. A hundred or so people attended the service that I insisted be for all three of them. People from Alex's work, staff from the children's school, parents of the children's friends, and the two officers that came to my home that day. So many people, though in my head I was there all by myself reliving again and again the fact that they were all gone. Alex's parents came from Maine and his brother from Florida. He and his family were not close, in fact having them here was hard because I don't know them at all. Nine years and I met his family once. That was the night Alex chose me over them.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We had gone for dinner, where he was introducing me for the first time. He had warned me that his family had never liked anyone he had brought home, but he was sure they would love me because I was the first person he loved. Well, they didn't love me, and they hated that he did. They knew of my family. Knew of how after my father had died my mother went off the deep end. She wasn't the most embarrassing thing in our town but held a close second so they decided I would be no better. They told Alex he was stupid and throwing his life away on me.

" _She is my life now." He told them. "And if you can't handle that, then you are no longer welcome in it."_

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He had turned his back on them and never looked back. They had never even met our children. And now they never would. They wept for him, and I would assume for the children too. I figure that no matter the lack of a relationship between parents and a child, when they are gone it's almost the same. The only difference being that all you will have to hold onto are regrets.

They thanked me for allowing them to be here. To be honest, it was the oddest thing, and I don't expect anything ever beyond that moment.

"Thank you for being in his life when we refused to be, Julia. We are really so sorry we let him walk away. We were selfish, and we..." his mother couldn't finish and I didn't need her to. They will go home and mourn in their way. I will stay here surrounded by the remnants of our life and mourn in my own way.

I had the support of our friends Jennifer and her husband, Tom. They were our best couple, and it only took minutes for them to be by my side after I told them the news. I don't like to be the dependent friend, but they were the only people we ever trusted. If it so happened that it was Alex and me alone in that vehicle, they would be the ones taking the children and raising them for us. It's funny, but I'm sure I'm no easier to take care of at this point.

My mother sent a card. For her, that's a real stretch to do that much. But I'm glad she didn't come, it would've only made it harder. I don't need to focus on finding a balance between her selfishness, phoniness, and drunkenness right now. She finally made the right choice for once.

My work was extremely understanding. It's probably not every day that they have to deal with someone that is going through something of this degree. They told me to take as long as I needed. I feel that to take _as long as I need_ may result in never returning again but this job was my dream. Something Alex pushed me to achieve and that we all made sacrifices for. I wanted to blame the job for not being there. Maybe, just maybe, if that day would've followed the same routine it always had, things would be different. I thought about giving it up, just walking away. First, it took my time then it took my family, but I know that's not true. To blow it all off now, to just give it up would prove all of the sacrifice was made in vain.

So I go back to work next week. To be honest, I will be thankful for the distraction. I have too much time. Too much time to think and every thought is of them. I don't ever want to stop thinking about them but I want to stop knowing every damn second of every damn day that passes that I will never see, hear, touch, hug, or kiss them again. I have to find my way to deal, and I think my work will be my way.

I walk through the house with Sam by my side. He's been my silent companion through these weeks. He rarely leaves me, he just constantly watches. He doesn't ask how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, or if there's anything he can do. He doesn't put on a sad face and say he's sorry or constantly tell me that he's there if I need him. He is just Sam, and he's been my favorite to be around.

Each night we make our rounds to each of the kids' rooms. I can't bring myself to touch anything yet. I want everything to stay just the way it was left for a while longer. I just want to feel them. In Toby's room, a pair of shoes lies in the middle of the floor and his video game controller on the bed. The bed is made, well kind of, as well as an eight-year-old boy would make a bed to keep his mother off his back about it. I smile as tears fill my eyes. Was I so stupid to argue with him about such trivial things, knowing now we had such little time left? No! I can't allow myself to think like that. Those things had no bearing on how much time we had. If he were still here, I would still insist he do it.

Katie's room. Never a thing out of place. Her father would say she inherited Obsessive Compulsive Disorder from me. I would deny it knowing he was probably right. She was very organized, very exact in almost everything she did. I used to worry that she wasn't just being a kid enough, but I understood. I knew she would grow to be great, to be a leader, to amaze her father and me with her accomplishments. _She would have._

I move to our room, mine and Alex's. I still haven't slept in here yet on my own. I just can't bring myself to do it. So, I've been using the spare room. I figure if I'm going to feel like something's missing, that I don't belong, I might as well be where I don't belong. At least then something will make sense. Every time I look at our bed, the comforter still slightly ruffled I see us together, making love for the last time. I have to close my eyes and turn away to keep from losing it completely. I quickly grab the things I need and leave the room, closing the door and placing that memory for now, behind me.

Julia

SIX YEARS LATER...

I walk into the dark office at my usual seven a.m. I walk past rows and rows of cubicles to the back and to the left. Shifting my coffee to my other hand, I insert the key in the lock and open the door. My door, the one that has a polished gold name plate that says "Julia Morreau, Managing Editor." I'm still in awe over how seeing it makes me feel. I won't gloat but to be pronounced the youngest ever managing editor for Miljone at thirty-four makes me feel amazing and very few things have made me feel amazing in the last six years.

After the accident, I threw myself into work full on, balls to the wall. I had to do it for my family, and for myself. I worked the hours no one else wanted, took only three personal days a year, came in on weekends, came in early, stayed late. You name it, there were no limits. I did anything to keep my mind and body busy. Work became my distraction and then an obsession. I wanted to be the best. My family wouldn't have expected any less of me.

Working really was the easy part, because I truly love what I do. I love the reading. I love having a team that cares about their work. I know my goal to be the best has turned me into a hard ass at times, but that's how you get to the top when you won't give blowjobs. I don't tolerate employees that don't do their part and pull their weight, so I set a good example.

I turn on my coffee pot as I walk by and hang my bag on the coat rack in the corner. I have a stack of files on my desk that I need to assign at this morning's meeting. I've also been entrusted to do the final evaluations for the interns this year. We have three, all very talented young people. I have to decide if any of them have a future at Miljone. I have my eye on two right now, but I have to narrow it down by the end of the week. Boy, you just have got to love Mondays.

Frank also mentioned the possibility of a couple of new, really big accounts that we may have by the end of the month, which is quickly approaching. It may almost double the workload, but it will be major growth for the company. It also means I'll stay busy. I like busy.

I started off working so much so I wouldn't have time to dwell on recent events or the past. Now I can't imagine having time to myself. My heart still hurts every day but I've learned to handle it, thanks to some therapy and some time. I don't pretend to understand why it all happened, but I do know there is a reason I'm still here. What that reason is or when I may find out is a total mystery. But when the universe is ready to let me in on the plan I'll be right here.

Two cups of coffee later and two intern files down, I notice the office is coming to life. Through the blinds, I see that my secretary has arrived and will be knocking on my door in three, two, one. Knock, knock, knock. Right on cue.

"Come in, Nora."

"Good morning, Ms. Morreau. How was your weekend?"

"Uneventful. The usual. I read a manuscript, ate Chinese takeout, and had an ass-busting workout with my trainer. How about you?"

I ask, I always ask because it's polite. Nora is a wonderful secretary, but she's young, beautiful, and is there a politically correct way to say, slutty? Although I don't involve myself with office chatter, I still hear it. And almost every straight guy here knows Nora. Not what her favorite color is or where she went to school, but they know what color her panties are and how long it takes to get them off. Funny thing to me is that she doesn't seem to care. It's like she's playing them and not the other way around. If that's her game, more power to her, but she is a species I don't quite care to understand.

"Oh, well I went to the club with my friends. Had some drinks, danced with some hot guys, you know." No, I don't know, and I really don't care. "You should come out with us some time." I only nod.

"Yeah, maybe one day." Yeah, never. "Well, I have a full schedule today and where there may be gaps I'm expecting meetings to arise. So please make sure I get all calls unless I'm in a meeting. Here are things I need to be typed, most important on top."

"Yes, Ms. Morreau." And just like that our _friend_ time is over, and we are back to our roles of boss and secretary. She goes back out to her desk to begin her tasks for the day, and I pour my third cup of coffee.

My intercom buzzes just as I'm taking a sip. I set it down and push the button to answer.

"Yes, Nora?"

"Mr. Lawson just called and wants to see you in his office."

"Thank you." I pick up my coffee and a couple of the files from my desk. I'm not exactly sure what this meeting will be about, but it's better to have what I may need. I head down to the corner office. I give a courteous knock but don't wait for an answer before opening the door.

"Good morning, Frank. How are you this morning?" He looks up over his readers, not giving anything away.

"I'm here, let's leave it at that for now. Lots of things to go over this morning. Is your schedule clear?"

"Yes, it is, I expected some news from you today, so I came in early to get started and free up some time just in case."

"You always come in early, Julia, don't play it off like it's something new for you," he chuckles.

Frank is probably the one person I let myself be the most personal with here at work. Generally I don't allow my social and professional life to commingle, but Frank was there for me all those years ago and went out on a limb holding my position. When I came back, he told me that he couldn't set aside being a human to be an asshole boss who would let someone go after what I had gone through. So, I've spent six years making sure he didn't regret his decision.

Frank is about ten years my senior, so he and I kind of have the big brother, little sister thing going on between us. He's an attractive man, dark hair, tall, built. Not bad at all to look at, but not the one to open my locked heart. He's also divorced and has two children in their early twenties. He has little trouble admitting the failed marriage was his fault. Like me when he started his career, he threw his everything into it, but because he had a family it wasn't quite the same. He sacrificed his family for the job, and I can't say I blame his wife for that not being enough for her. Would I have ended up doing the same to Alex? I often wonder, but that is useless because of course I will never know.

"I like the quiet time in the morning. I can get so much more done, which leaves me available for crisis control during the day. Don't condemn my system, it works, doesn't it?"

"That it does, you're awesome and you know it. You love to hear me say it too. I just wonder sometimes if you'll ever..." he stops and starts shuffling through papers on his desk. "Never mind. So—"

"Never mind nothing, Frank. What were you going to say? Were you wondering again if I'll ever find life outside this office?" This is actually a question I sometimes ask myself. When I begin speaking again, my voice is softer, almost sad. "I don't have the answer to that yet. One day maybe, but for now I'm good. Just appreciate my awesomeness. I promise you'll be the first to know when my life resumes beyond these walls, okay?"

He looks at me with caring eyes. He took a big chance on me at one time, and I have not disappointed him. He's been a great boss and my only friend. "Okay," he says and leaves it at that.

We continue going over the workload, discussing assignments and upcoming deadlines. After about forty-five minutes Frank starts checking his watch regularly. I notice this and start to get curious.

"Do you have another meeting coming? I can finish this on my own if you need me to go."

"Yes, I do have another meeting but you will be staying for it. I have an announcement to make, but I want you to be prepared. We got those contracts I told you about."

"Oh my goodness, that's amazing! Good job, Frank!"

"Thank you," he says with a confident grin. "It means a lot more work and open positions for staff. More work and more staff means more pressure on you."

"That's not a problem, Frank. I run a well-oiled machine, you know that. I could actually use a challenge about now. We've been running too consistent for too long."

"I do know, believe me, I do but—" his intercom buzzes. He holds a finger up to me to excuse the interruption and responds to his secretary. "Yes, Ashley?"

"Mr. Lawson, your ten o'clock is here."

"Thank you. Please show him in."

He stands from behind his desk and walks to stand in front of it. I stand as well, still wondering what's going on. I have an unsettled feeling. I'm not sure I'm going to like this.

Derick

I STAND OUTSIDE THE OFFICE of the CEO of Miljone Publishing. It's not a huge company yet, but with its reputation it's one of the fastest growing publishing companies in Boston. Fortunately, they were hiring at the same time I decided to relocate. The West Coast just wasn't where I wanted to be anymore. It houses a lot of painful memories, and there's no one there to keep me any longer. My wife, my ex-wife actually, Ann, decided that after ten years of marriage she needed to _find_ herself, as she put it. But it was me that found her in my bed with my best friend. So with the only two people I loved, outside of my family, teaming up to ultimately break me, I decided it was my cue to move on and find _myself_.

So here I am for my meeting with my new boss to discuss the specifics of my new venture. I've already been hired, this much is a given, but apparently this ship floats a little differently than I'm used to. Its structure is different, but I'm ready for a challenge and change. Ashley, the secretary, just buzzed Mr. Lawson to let him know that I'm here. She's cute, but I won't go there. One rule I've always followed, even before I was married: Workplace relationships are _no bueno_. And not to sound like an ass but it's especially not worth losing my job over a secretary. Not unless, of course, she turned out to be my soul mate, and I suppose you just never know when or where or who that will be. But, in this case, I already know, it's not her.

Frank Lawson opens up his door motioning me in and greets me with a firm handshake. I can see someone peeking out from behind him. He turns to her and begins the introductions.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia

As I stand there waiting behind Frank only one thought keeps running through my head, what the fuck is going on? Frank mentioned extra pressure on me and the need for extra staffing. Please don't tell me he's... I hear Frank say my name, and I'm abruptly pulled from my thoughts and back to the present.

"Julia, I'd like you to meet Derick Edmunds." I look up and offer my hand to shake his. He reaches out, our fingers touch and I swear it's like a small stream of electricity flows from one to the other. I look down at our hands for a split second and back to his eyes. My thoughts are instantly scattered, and when I speak again, I feel like I'm stumbling over my words.

"Ju-" I clear my throat, "Julia Morreau. A pleasure to meet you." He's still holding onto my hand. I pull back just a little and he reluctantly lets go. My hand that just felt so warm and tingly in his now feels cold and lacking.

"Let's all have a seat and I'll explain what's going on here," Frank says as he moves back to sit behind his desk, with Derick and I sitting in the chairs in front of him. "As I mentioned to you earlier, Julia, we got those contracts we bid for and that will nearly double the workload here. We will be hiring at least five new editors and to make things easier on you I have hired another managing editor."

"Are you fucking kidding me, Frank? Why don't you think I can handle this? I've worked my ass off here beginning with my internship seven years ago. Why suddenly do you question my ability?" I ask trying to sound more upset than hurt, when I feel both equally.

"It's not that I don't think you can Julia. I know you can, but I also know that you would end up exhausted and burnt out. Neither of us or the company gains from that."

"So where does Mr. Edmunds fit into this equation? I assume he does since he's in this meeting with us," I say with a little defeat and a lot of sarcasm.

"He is your new partner. He comes to us from a very prestigious publishing company in California. I think you two will make a great team. Derick here, has been in the business about as long as you have and from what I'm told of him and know of you, your work ethics are comparable."

Now that I know who this man is, I'm slightly embarrassed by my behavior. I won't show defeat, but I'm not ready to throw down the welcoming mat either. "Well, with all that needs to be said having been said, please excuse me, but I have work to do. And I'm sure you two have details to work out. Just catch me up later. Nice to have met you, Derick." I stand, grab my files from the desk and turn to leave.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

After she leaves, Frank appears exasperated for a moment, and I sit tight while he regains his composure.

"I'm sorry about that, Derick. I hadn't completely told her everything that was about to happen, before it happened." He does appear to be apologetic about the blindside he just served up.

"I assumed as much. I won't criticize her for being upset, but _I_ don't want to be the bad guy. It's as simple as I was looking for a job, and you hired me. Is she going to be okay with all this or should I wait to unpack my fancy pen set and nameplate?"

"She'll be fine. I blindsided her, so really it's all my fault. I didn't mean to, but that's what ended up happening. She's put her life into this place for the last six years, and she deserved more from me. But I want you to know, she's smart, and she's fair. I have no doubt that she won't treat you with any less fairness or respect than she does the rest of the staff. Maybe you can go talk to her and just remind her that you aren't here to take her job but be her team partner, help with the load. I will mend my way with her. We've worked together a long time now. She was an intern finishing college when I chose her. She has never disappointed me, and I know she won't start now."

"I don't want to make waves here, but I'm not willing to give up this opportunity. I hope you're right. I'll go and see her after I get settled."

"Well then, let me show you to your office."

We maneuver through the main office and to the corner opposite of where Julia's office is located. Since our floor takes up the entire space allowed by the building's floor plan, all the offices have ample windows allowing a view of the beautiful city around us. I am not disappointed with it, and in fact, I feel very comfortable being surrounded by such tranquility. I move across the room to sit in my chair and immediately spin it to stare out the window. I'm brought back by Frank's voice behind me.

"It looks like you'll be comfortable here. It's a great view isn't it? Just wait 'til you're working past dark and the city lights up. For risk of sounding like a woman, it's breathtaking."

"I bet." Turning back to Frank I say, "It's great. And I'm guessing when it snows, it's quite the sight too. That's one thing I'll have to get used to, snow, but I'm excited about it. A new city and new experiences. Thank you, Frank, for the opportunity. I'll make it work with Julia, and you will not regret hiring me."

"I know I won't. I don't make a habit of making choices I regret. If you need anything, just let me know. Welcome to the team." And with that he turns to leave.

I spin my chair back around to face the window. Staring out over the city, I absentmindedly find myself rubbing my hand, and when I notice what I'm doing my mind immediately goes to when I shook Julia's hand. The shock felt like electricity. She felt it too, I know she did. I could tell by the way she looked at our hands and then into my eyes.

"No. Not a good idea at all," I say, trying to remind myself that this is now where I eat, so to speak. Workplace relationships are never a good idea. Okay maybe not never, but never that I've personally known of.

I have to just forget about it, put it out of my mind. But even as I think it, it's not what I want. Boy, I thought I just got rid of all the trouble in my life and twenty-five hundred, or so, miles later I'm looking it up practically by name. It's a problem with us hopeless romantics I guess. It's not that we never learn, it's that we never lose hope that our soul mate is out there. Maybe I had to leave what I always thought I wanted to finally find her. Maybe I'm having a revelation.

I sit and stare for a while longer willing myself to be grounded. I start to think more clearly and figure there may be no time like the present to go and talk to her. Talking to women, whether professionally or personally has never been an issue for me. Usually, I am received rather well, so knowing that this is a strength of mine, makes me confident. But knowing that I'm extinguishing a fire I didn't start also makes me nervous.

I suppose there is no time like the present, and I stand from my chair with a view and make my way to Julia's office. Her door is open just a crack, and I can hear the silence. I knock, feeling it probably will not help me at all just to walk in.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia

An hour or so passes, and I busy myself as much as possible. Back in my office I shuffle through files. Work has been my distraction for years, but I think I'm about to have a new one. What was that when we touched? I definitely felt something but did he? For the most part, I'm able to stay focused but I admit that a couple of times my mind did wander to earlier this morning, to Derick. The warmth of his touch, his light brown hair, his tall, lean body, and his kind but powerful demeanor. His blue eyes that made me feel naked, like he saw _me_. I don't want to like him and his liking me won't be easy after the bitch I was in there earlier. I want to disfavor him, but I also have a feeling I won't have a choice.

I haven't had a man touch me in six years. Not at all. For fucks sake, I haven't touched myself in six years. Sometimes, I think that physically I could be ready to be with someone again, but mentally I'm... hell I don't know. How could this man in less than five minutes and one touch get me so flustered?

"Oh, you are being silly, Julia. Snap out of this, he's just a man. A man who you might safely say is after your job," I say under my breath. Talking to myself is unfortunately something I often do.

A knock at my door pulls me out of my thoughts. I quickly pick up a manuscript to look like I'm reading and answer, "Come in." But after I see who it is I wish I could pull back my words, take back my welcome, but it's too late. I drop my legs from the corner of my desk, remove my readers, and quietly take a deep breath.

"Yes, Mr. Edmunds, was it? What can I help you with?" I say trying to sound unaffected by his presence.

"I, uh, wanted to talk to you. May I sit?"

"Of course." I gesture to the chairs in front of my desk. He sits and looks so relaxed. I'm envious. I feel so tense. But I will project myself with confidence, show no weakness.

"Well, I just wanted to talk to you. Actually, it was Frank's idea, to be honest. Look, I'm here to work with you not against you. You and I, we are a team now. I don't want you to think I'm coming in here and trying to take over your job. I respect you, and I know you have been doing just fine without me. You're a strong leader. So, I want to see what you've been doing, and we can go from there. Fair enough?" He sounds sincere.

Letting go of a breath I wasn't even aware I was holding, I look anywhere but at his face. I need to reconnect with the confident woman I am before I respond, and behave like the leader he says he sees.

"Fair enough. I'm not unreasonable either, contrary to what you may already think. But I would prefer not to uproot the existing staff. I also want everyone on the same page when we do our new hiring. If you could just give my way a couple of days of observation to see the system we have here, then we can evaluate, critique, and compromise. Does that sound fair?"

"Absolutely. I get the feeling that you were a little blindsided by my arrival. Trust me I'd be pissed too. But, I'm not a threat. I'm actually very reasonable as well." He flashes a smile worth a million dollars and my insides just about melt.

"That's good." Mine is not worth a million dollars, but I smile back.

"Would you like to go lunch?" He almost looks nervous while he looks to me for an answer.

"I, uh..."

"Just so we can talk. You can fill me in on things around here, in a more neutral setting. You know, step out of the boxing ring." He holds his hands up in a truce.

"I really can't today. I have a lot to do." I gesture to the work piled on my desk. I want to go, I really do, but don't feel I should. I don't know why but I'm afraid that he'll think I'm spineless and easy to manipulate if I give into that sexy as hell smile.

"And lucky for you, I am here and getting paid to help you now." That smile again, he's killing me. Can he see the effect he has on me? "Come on, I saw a sandwich shop down the street. We could walk."

There is something about this man. He's waking up something inside of me that's been resting peacefully for six years. I'm not sure I'm ready to be awoken regardless of what my body is saying and besides that, he's my co-worker. So I do something I never do, I cower.

"Um, I'm sorry. But not today." It's all I say. It seems so cold, and I wish that I could just take it back, but that would prove a lack of strength. And this man is now my _partner_ , I don't want him to think that I conform so easily. We may be partners, but I will ensure that he never has the upper hand as far as work goes.

"Do you want me to bring you back something? My treat, even though you're refusing me the pleasure of your company."

I do give a little laugh at his dramatization. "Thanks, but I'm fine." I feel myself letting down my guard a little more. "Go on. I'll take you around the office this afternoon and make introductions." I need him to go. I can't think while he's here.

"Okay then, I'll see you in an hour or so, Julia." And he turns and walks away.

The way he says my name, it makes me feel like he's known me for more than five minutes, like he's said it to me a hundred times. It's a hard thought to break as I forbid myself to look up and watch him as he leaves. It's a struggle that I finally lose. But by the time I look up, he's gone.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

I want her to catch up with me in the hall and say she's changed her mind, but that will not happen today, and that's okay. Maybe she's saving me from myself. Maybe she has a strength that I don't. Or maybe I'm imagining the connection between us. No, it's there. But as I sit alone eating my lunch, taking in all this newness around me, all I see is her. Her amazing green eyes, her full lips, her confidence, her strength. And that energy between us, that is undeniable. All I know is this woman, that I immediately desire, is quite possibly unattainable. I guess only time will tell if fate is playing its hand here, if so, I can't let it go ignored.

Julia

I ENJOY MY DRIVE HOME and start to feel more relaxed as I pull up in front of my condo. My nerves have been going into hyperdrive ever since I shook hands with Derick this morning, and I'm glad to be back in the sanctity of my own home. I figure that at least here I can either push all my thoughts aside or try to make sense of them. Although it's likely I will accomplish neither. We will see if a long hot bath and a glass of wine helps.

I bought this condo about four years ago. My dog Sam finally passed away, and our home in Cambridge seemed to be too much house for just me. Up 'til then, I just couldn't bring myself to let it go. It was my family's house, full of all the memories we made and all I had left. But with the last member joining the rest of them and after some long therapy sessions, I made the decision. Because Alex and I made some very good financial decisions and had more life insurance than I'd ever realized, the house was paid off, and I was in no hurry. But in just two weeks it sold. I never met with the new owners, and I haven't even so much as driven by there since I left. I made my peace and vowed never to go back.

I came across this condo at the perfect time. It had become an asset to be liquidated in an ugly divorce, and I reaped all the benefits. Being located on Beacon Street, it went unbelievably cheap, and I was on it fast. I practically stole it. Sometimes I look around and think it's a little too upscale for my tastes, but that was also part of its appeal. When I look at it as a whole, the building, the condo itself, I just can't see this as a place where a family would live. I didn't want to live in a place that would make me think that children belonged there, and it would just remind me that mine weren't here and I couldn't take that. Ten years ago I would've never thought I'd live in a place like this, but then again I never thought I'd be alone.

I get out of the car and grab my things that I'll need inside. My building does have an elevator, but unless it's grocery day I prefer to use the stairs. Up on my floor, the sixth, there are two suites. The doors are directly across from each other, mine and a neighbor I've actually never met. I do occasionally see a man and a woman either coming or going from the suite. I assume that since it's always the same man and always a different woman, the suite is his and furthermore that he has no problem getting laid. Yet another reason I don't need to meet my neighbor. Having gone six years without sex, it's probably not the best idea to reconcile that situation with the guy across the hall.

Opening my door, I toss my purse and the other few things I carried in onto the chair by the door. Turning on the lamp on the side table I can see and am reminded how simply I decorated this place. Besides the lack of boxes, one might think I had just moved in. Another might assume that I'm one of those forever-childless neat freaks, when really I'm neither. I don't have friends, and I never have company, so I don't need to show anything. It's not bare or boring really, it's just simple.

I didn't keep a lot when I sold the house. At first I wanted to, I wanted to keep everything, but I realized that my family wasn't in those things. They were just that, things. So I picked out a few pieces of furniture and art and all the pictures I could find. I kept a stuffed animal and a blanket from Katie's room, Toby's favorite book and a model airplane he and Alex had built, cards, projects the kids had made, and poems that Alex had written me. That was it. The rest was sold or donated.

I go into the kitchen to pour my glass of wine before I head into my room. I select the big glass because it's just been a big glass of wine kind of day. I open and look into the refrigerator, like I do every night when I get home. I never eat after I get home, but I look anyway, and once again there's nothing in there I want. I only wish I knew what I hoped to find in there. Have you ever noticed how we look to the fridge for answers no matter the question? Out of boredom, frustration, or habit. I always open it thinking that today might just be the day that I'll look inside and find the answers masterfully written on a scroll and secured with red ribbon. And that when I open it, the answer to every question I've ever asked will be crystal clear. But tonight is not that night.

I walk into the bathroom to start my bath water. I choose eucalyptus bath oil tonight to help me de-stress and relax. Just pouring it in and inhaling, the fragrance instantly starts to take effect. I go back into my room and sit on the edge of the bed to remove my shoes and then stand to remove my dress, bra, and panties. As I turn to go back to the bathroom, I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the antique swivel mirror in the corner of my room. I don't admire myself in mirrors. I do my makeup and hair, check my outfits but I never really look at myself. Alex always told me I was beautiful, and I always just thought I was only beautiful to him. Looking at myself through my eyes, I see pretty, but not beautiful like he did. But today something happened, and I think I'm ready and wanting someone to see me as, and tell me, I'm beautiful again.

I let my eyes wander the length of my body, and I try to see myself like a man would. My hair is a rich brown with hints of red and it hangs thick and to the center of my back. My eyes are wide, round like a doll's, and almost as green as emeralds. My lips are full and the perfect shade of pink requiring no gloss or lipstick. My skin is smooth and begging to be touched. My breasts aren't large but as I remember, big enough to fill a man's hand. I put my hands on my chest at my collarbone and slide them down over my breasts.

My breath catches at the feeling of being touched even though it's by my own hands. I can just imagine how it might feel to have a man's hands on me again. I do imagine it as I gently massage my breasts, loving how it feels, as I graze my nipples with my fingers. They react, becoming hard and holding their shape. I've never done anything like this, but I don't stop. It feels too good. I continue with one hand down my abdomen and over where my only real visible imperfections are. The faint stretch marks from my pregnancy. I don't find them ugly like I used to, now I find them saddening but beautiful just the same. Still massaging my breast, I touch myself softly just between my legs. I feel a quiver inside that I believe is a beckoning to keep going. I need this. I've probably needed it for years.

I start moving my hand in a small circular motion over my sensitive nub and reach lower to dip one finger into myself. I find myself moistened and needy. I enter myself again and again, losing myself in this feeling and finding a faint recollection of how it felt to be touched. Continuing to thrust my finger into myself, I need more, I want more. I replace my one finger with two fingers, filling myself more, making me feel more. Backing up against the wall, I lean my head back, close my eyes and let out a moan. I imagine that I'm not the one making my body feel this way. The vision I see is all it takes to make me lose myself. I feel his hands on me, softly squeezing one nipple while gently sucking on the other. I feel the roughness of his hand against my clit, making it hard and so sensitive to his touch. Before I can comprehend what's happening, I feel my orgasm upon me, and my legs can barely hold me up, but I don't want it to stop. I haven't felt this in six years, and I don't want it to stop. I ride the wave until I peak, lost in euphoria. Breathless, I pull myself to stand back in front of the mirror, I need to see my face. Alex always said I looked most beautiful right after I came. As if willed to reality, I can see a little of what he once saw. I do look different now than I did just moments ago, maybe this is the beautiful me.

I'm pulled from that moment by the sound of water spilling over the edge of the tub. "Shit! So much for relaxing eucalyptus, Julia!" But then I start to laugh because when it comes down to it, I feel more relaxed now than I have in a long time.

I drain a little of the water out of my tub and lay down towels to soak up the spillage, determined to have my bath and wine. I slip into the warm water, inhale the scent, and let out a deep breath. I take a sip of wine and enjoy the flavor the Shiraz leaves in my mouth. Do I dare let my thoughts drift back to what just happened? Do I want to analyze it like I do everything and chance ruining the breakthrough I feel like I just had? I choose not to because I honestly feel like something in me is changing and I'm both excited and scared at once. Excited to think that after all this time I may actually begin to enjoy this life I live and scared because I don't want to feel like I've turned my back or forgotten the life I once had.

I don't think Alex and the kids would approve of what I do, though. I don't think they want me to shut myself out and dwell on what happened, but besides work, that is exactly what I have done for the last six years. There is nothing to undo, no reason to wait any longer. I've been told that when the time is right, I'll move on. I laughed at that notion since it usually came from professionals who had no personal experience in common with mine. But now I wonder if someone can actually learn this, the nature of human behavior, from a book and be right.

There is really no answer, I guess, and maybe having the fantasy I had earlier is a sign that I'm finally there. It felt so good for me to let go after so long. To enjoy the pleasure I gave myself, even if I imagined it was someone else. The only thing that confuses me now is, you would think that I would be fantasizing about Alex doing all those things to me. But I wasn't, it was Derick.

Julia

THE NEXT TWO WEEKS GO by pretty smoothly I guess you could say. After that night, my first fantasy about Derick, I decided it was best to keep it completely professional when around him. I've been careful not to let even our fingertips make contact when passing files. Under no circumstance do I want him to have any idea what he's doing to me, how I lust for him. We are partners and workplace relationships are never a good idea. The saying _don't shit where you eat_ comes to mind. He's not my subordinate but just the same, it's not a good idea.

He's asked me every day if I'd like to have lunch and every day I say no. I watch him walk away, and then beat myself up for not going. I want to, I really do. I'd like to get to know him. So what's stopping me? Is it really the work thing or is it fear? I'm afraid I'm not ready to share myself with someone and have them unable to see past the reasons to pity me. Very few people know what happened years ago, and those that do have pushed it back so far in their memories that I don't even see sympathy in their eyes anymore. That works for me because I never wanted it to begin with. No doubt I need to talk to someone about this because I really don't know how to handle it all. And the thought of avoiding this situation scares me as much as approaching it. Note to self: call Dr. Sylva—ASAP.

My therapist, Dr. Sylva is able to squeeze me in after work, she always has. I think she worries about me. Besides my initial breakdown, I think I'm a pretty quiet subject, which sets off alarms in her eyes. I only saw her for a few months and then the frequency of our visits together tapered off. Now I only call when I'm having a really bad time, which is rare. But when I call her, she always _squeezes_ me in. Going to see her now is like going to talk to an old friend that just happens to have a degree in psychology.

As I pull up to the familiar medical plaza, I'm trying to figure out what it is I want her to tell me. Do I want her to condone my thoughts and actions and have her tell me that they are textbook normal and to continue or even take them further? Or, do I want her to tell me to stop all this silliness and resume the life I've become comfortable with? She's not going to tell me the latter, I know that, not unless she thinks I need to be rebellious and wants to set the stage.

I take the stairs to the second floor and enter suite B. Her waiting room is empty, even her receptionist has left for the day. Squeezing me in usually means her making a late night of it to see me after hours. The room is simple but professionally decorated with tan walls and mahogany framed paintings on each one. The door to her office is open and she acknowledges me when she hears the outside door fall closed.

"Julia? Is that you?" It's funny that she almost sounds like a mother calling her child.

She's only a couple of years older than I am, so in no way do I see her as a mother figure except that she seems to know more about me than I do.

"Yeah, it's me," I say as I pass through the doorway into her office.

"Good to see you. Have a seat, get comfortable. You know the drill."

I have my choice between a leather chair in front of her desk or the stereotypical therapy session couch. She waits for me to choose, but already knows what it will be. I sit in the chair as I always have. I prefer to think of these sessions as two people having a conversation, not me lying on a couch playing the _woe is me_ patient. She just sits back and watches me, she's analyzing me, trying to get a feel for why I'm here after so long.

"So what's going on Julia? Why are you here today?" She speaks with that calm, cool, yet concerned voice of someone trying to get you to bare it all.

"I, uh, I've just had some things going on and I don't know how to handle them. I don't know if they're right. I'm confused and I'm just not sure what I want, what's okay."

"Go on. Tell me and we'll see if together we can help you answer your own questions."

"Well, lately I have been thinking about a man. He works with me and from the very moment I met him, I felt something. I've dreamt of him. I fantasize about him. This bothers me because I feel like I'm betraying Alex. But I feel alive for the first time in years, like I have something to look forward to. I think I _want_ to be ready to move on but I don't know how. Where do I start? What if I'm wrong? What if I start something I can't finish?"

"Okay well let's take one question at a time. What makes you feel like you're betraying Alex?"

"Because I pledged my love, my life, my everything to him. I promised him forever."

"Okay. Not to point out the obvious but Alex is not here anymore and not to say that your love and promise to him was supposed to just stop when he passed, but do you think he would fault you for wanting to have that type of connection with someone else in his absence?"

"No, I think he would want me to live, to be happy. But, I'm afraid I'm going to try to compare everyone else to him and that's only going to hurt others in the process."

"So don't compare. We, as people, are different in every role we play. Different as friends, as mothers, as lovers, and we are different lovers with other people. You have to go into this with the mind-set that it is something new and totally different because it is. You're building a new life, not trying to replace the old one. Now, as for how to start: Have you made any advances towards this man or even given him an indication that you are in any way attracted to him?"

"Not at all. I'm professional, I don't show any interest. He asks me to lunch every day and I refuse. I keep it completely business with him, as I do everyone. We know nothing personal about each other. I don't ask, he doesn't ask."

"If you want to pursue this, if you really want to know if you can, you need to try. You and Alex weren't always together. You had to start somewhere. And if you want to know if there is a _you and this man_ well then you have to have a leaping point. Say yes to lunch or better yet, ask him to lunch. Strike up a conversation about anything. Ask him about himself or divulge something about yourself, it doesn't have to be big. As for whether or not you are ready, just the fact that you think about it should tell you that you are. That doesn't have to mean that you have to jump in headfirst. Go slow; set your own pace, you are in charge here. Once your feet are wet, you just might find you're ready to swim."

"But what if he doesn't feel this connection I do or scarier yet, what if he does? Both scenarios scare the living daylights out of me. Rejection and acceptance are equally intimidating."

"Did you make the first move with Alex or did he?"

"He did."

"Before that were you interested? Did you want him to?"

"I was and yes, I did. More than anything."

"Did either of those thoughts scare you or make you nervous? Did you worry that he wouldn't make the move but feel nervous that he would?"

"Yes." I've figured out where she's going with this. She's done just what she said, made me answer my own questions.

"So how was that any different? The only thing I see that needs to happen differently this time around is that you may have to be the one that makes the first move."

"What about the fantasizing? Is it wrong? Does it make me some kind of crazy?"

"How far do these fantasies go?"

"To the point that I pleasure myself imagining it's him."

"And have you ever done this before, since you've been alone?"

"No, I always felt weird about doing that, even when I was married. But the first day I met Derick, I started to see differently. Think differently. Want differently. That's when it happened the first time, that night when I got home. I was looking at myself in the mirror and wondering how he saw me, if I was beautiful to him."

"And how did you feel after? Did you feel like you had done something wrong?"

"No, actually. I felt like for the first time in a long time, in my personal life anyway, that I had done something right. I felt beautiful and at peace."

"Well then. I think you need to follow your heart and stop spending so much time analyzing the thoughts in your head. _You_ are the only one that knows what you want. You've been alone for six years, and that was the time you needed to heal. You were never expected, by anyone, to stay alone forever. Especially by Alex. From what you've told me about him, there is no way he would be that selfish." She knows she's done it, the look in her eyes and the smile that curves at the corner of her mouth says that.

"Thank you." Simple as that. She made me realize what I already knew.

"It may not be easy, and there's always a chance it may not work out, but you will never know unless you try. Life is scary, if it wasn't, it'd be boring as hell. Trust your heart."

"I'll try. I really will, I promise." I give her a smile, and she returns it.

"So, is that all you needed me for this year?" she says with a teasing tone.

"Well yeah, I guess. Things were pretty quiet until Mr. Hot and Handsome walked into my life. He's the first person to surprise me, to get my attention in a long time. It threw me off, but you've given me a new perspective."

"It's my job, but you are welcome."

We walk out to our cars together, exchanging common chatter about how it's finally cooling down, making the weather perfect. As she opens the door to her car, she calls my attention. "Julia, if you need me, just call me. Okay?" She has such a friendly smile, and I know she means what she says.

I nod to her, "Thank you."

Driving home, I feel as though a weight I've been carrying is gone. I roll down the windows and turn up the radio a little louder than I normally would, and I sing out loud. I feel good, and I think I know how to make myself feel even better. No more avoidance tactics. It's time to take a chance and follow my heart.

Julia

OVER THE WEEKEND, I DO a lot of soul-searching. I honestly give a lot of thought to what Dr. Sylva had said. The bottom line is I need to find out what I really wanted, am I ready to finally move on? My head and my heart are not at battle regarding my answer, but I still feel that both are struggling to be at peace with my decisions. I know that Dr. Sylva said it was okay to move on and that Alex wouldn't have wanted me to spend the rest of my life alone. I know it's true, but it's still hard to not feel as though what I'm feeling is wrong in some way. I want to be loved again. I want to love again. I went from having so much love in my heart for three people to having no one to love. Although my love for them will never go away, I want someone to share it with again.

I set aside these worries and spend the weekend getting in a couple of good workouts, a mani-pedi, a massage, and some time outside. The weather will be turning cold soon and getting in my walks while they don't require layers has become a personal fall pastime. The cold won't stop me from spending time outside but basking in the warmth while it lasts, taking in the sun's energy gives me clarity. I need to get my thoughts together. I know all my decisions don't have to be made right now, but I need to start somewhere. I need to find out if Derick is feeling this thing that seems to exist between us. If, in fact, he is, he's just as good at hiding it as I think I am.

It keeps looping in my mind though, that I'm wrong in having all these thoughts. Maybe this is just the equivalent of a schoolgirl crush and that my being on the sidelines for so long is making me misinterpret the real meaning of all this. Maybe that small innocent physical contact we had was just enough to wake me up and maybe he was not affected at all. That's the thought that frightens me most. It took me six years to feel again and if it's not what I'm hoping, what then?

I sit on a bench off to the side of the trail I've been walking in the Public Garden. Spread before me is a large pond that is lined with trees of different types and colors. It's beautiful, peaceful. Right now there are people throwing bread to the geese, having picnics, and couples lying together on blankets likely talking about their futures. But in another couple of months this lake may be frozen and skaters will cover its top. We used to come here as a family, one of our many winter traditions. The first winter after they were gone I couldn't bring myself to come here. But I missed it, the feeling of them, the time we spent here, and the happiness we shared. I vowed to never miss another and so it became my winter-long tradition. It helps that I'm barely four blocks away.

The rest of the year I come here when I need to clear my mind and when I want to talk to them. I find it cliché to think that I have to go to the cemetery in Cambridge to talk to them. I don't feel like that's where they are. I think they are in the places we shared together, wherever I am. So on the anniversary of the day they left me and on Christmas Eve, I go to the cemetery and dress their stones with flowers and poems, but any other time I come here. It's a place where I can truly feel them.

I look around to make sure there's no one nearby to hear me. Satisfied to see I'm alone, I talk to Alex. "Hey, you. It's so beautiful today isn't it? I'm glad because I need to talk to you and I wanted it to be here. We spent so much time here and I feel you here more than anywhere else. I don't really know where to start." I rub my palms on my jeans. Oddly enough I feel nervous. After taking a couple of calming breaths, I start, "God, I'm such a mess lately, Alex, and I don't even know where to begin. I think I'm ready to try again. I'm ready to find someone. I'm ready to not be alone anymore. But, I'm afraid that I'm breaking the promise I made to you." I had promised to love him forever. My eyes start to fill with tears remembering all the promises we made each other. We made good on all of them in the time we had but most of them died with him, all but one. It's the one that doesn't actually require his presence, the one that is holding me back. The promise I made to love him forever.

"I need to know that moving on is what you want me to do before I can. I have to know it's okay. I need you to send me a sign that this is what you want for me."

I sit there for a few minutes just staring out over the water trying to get myself back together when I'm startled by something flying past me. It hits the grass, and before I can figure out what it is, a dog runs past me, picks it up and turns to run back the way it came. I start to laugh, feeling silly about my reaction, being so startled by a dog. The dog instead walks over to me and drops, what I can now see is a yellow ball, at my feet. It hunches itself and bounces back ready to fetch it again.

"Where are your parents, buddy? You can't be here all alone," I ask, not really sure if _buddy_ is a boy or girl. But then, from behind me, I hear a voice I know. Derick's.

"There you are, Ginger. Did you find a friend, girl? I'm sorry if she bothered you, she likes people." The dog doesn't run to him but sits there still looking expectantly at me, waiting for me to throw the ball.

I pick it up and turn around to throw it to her owner. "I think she wants this." I toss it to him and he catches it, looking at me a little shocked. I think he may be a little surprised to see me too, but then a smile spreads across his face.

"Julia." He tosses the ball back to me. "I think Ginger wants her new friend to throw this for her. I can't say I really blame her, I'd pick you over me too." He laughs, and it touches his eyes. They are a sky blue and twinkle with his smile.

I throw the ball and Ginger is instantly off to fetch it. The excitement she has for that simple action is palpable, and I'm slightly jealous. I wish I felt excitement like that. But then I realize that I do as Derick sits on the bench next to me.

"I'm sorry. I'm not interrupting anything am I? May I sit?"

"Of course. Please. You're not interrupting anything. I'm just taking in the weather. Beautiful isn't it?" I look back out over the lake, but every part of me is aware of his closeness. I want to keep looking at him, but I don't for fear that I might stare. Or even worse yet, that looking into those eyes will be my undoing.

"It sure is. I figure I better get out while we can. I hear the winters here can be harsh, and if that's true, this California boy is in for a big surprise. I've never lived where it snowed."

"The winters here are beautiful. They are cold and yes, they bring lots of snow. But after your first New England winter, if you make it through, you'll be hooked." I look over and see him watching me intently. Our eyes meet, and I smile, "It'll leave you wondering why it took you so long to experience it."

"I'll have to take your word for that right now, we'll compare opinions again in a few months." He laughs and breaks eye contact when nudged by a wet nose and a retrieved ball. He tosses it again and off Ginger goes.

"So is this a favorite spot of yours? It's tranquil, very calming. Ginger loves it, obviously." He motions to the golden retriever as she once again returns with the ball, dropping it at my feet.

I pick up the ball and toss it again. "It is a favorite, I come here to clear my head. The words you use, to describe it, they're my own. It's as if you heard me say them aloud." I look at him but quickly shy away, looking after Ginger.

He makes a face that clearly conveys he doesn't know how to take my statement. I've unintentionally warded him off, offended him somehow. "Well, maybe I should go. I really didn't mean to interrupt you. I just thought it quite the coincidence to find you here. Ginger, come, girl!" He seems like he suddenly feels unwelcome.

Shit, I don't want him to leave. "No! I mean, please stay. It's nice to have company. I didn't mean to make you feel unwelcome. I'm enjoying your being here. You know how it is. Clearing your head is one thing but too much time alone just allows the mind to wander. Sometimes a distraction is welcome." I look at him again and force myself not to look away. Our eyes lock, and I am sure that all these feelings I have are not mine alone. He's right here with me.

Ginger chooses that moment to bark at us, jealous that none of the attention is on her. "Would you like to walk? It would make her happy," he says motioning to Ginger.

"Yeah. Sure. That sounds nice." We both stand and make our way to the path. "So what brings a California boy to Boston?"

"Well it's a long ugly story, but here's the short version: marriage gone bad, divorce, lost my best friend, search for a new life. If you want the gruesome details, I'll need a couple of drinks." He forces a laugh, but I can tell that there is pain and loss there.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Sorry, you had to go through that. Sounds like a real shitty situation."

"Whoa, Jules, such language for such a beautiful lady." He laughs, and I can't help but to join him.

"You know so little about me. I can offend sailors on a good day. Don't pretend you weren't there and didn't hear me that first day in Frank's office." He looks at me with surprise and covers his mouth as if to say, "nope, not me." I can't help but to laugh. "Jules, huh? I think I like that. I've never had anyone call me that before. I've never had a nickname at all, I guess."

"Not that your name doesn't match you, because it does. It's classy. But when I see you like this, out of _pro_ mode, I see a more relaxed Jules." Looking over at me he adds, "And I'm glad you like it. I'll always hold this moment close, giving you your first nickname." He places his hand over his heart in an honorary gesture. Then, as if attention deficit has set in, "Hey, you want to go get lunch? There's a deli not too far from here. It has a patio so Ginger can sit with us. I'd love to hang out with you a while."

"I think that would be nice. I don't live far, so I walked here, did you walk?"

"Yeah I did. I'm not far either. So what do you say? I'm starved."

Derick

WE FIND OUR WAY OUT of the park's west end and down not even a block on Charles Street. Jules walks along beside me with only Ginger separating us. The way the sun hits her face, she just lights up. She's freaking beautiful but acts like she has no clue. We make small talk, and she tells me how she lives only a few blocks from the park. I tell her that I too only live about a block and a half away and that the park being so close was a selling point on my loft apartment, for Ginger's sake. We are so close physically yet so far from where I want to be. I just can't figure her out. Maybe running into her today was fate and my chance for a breakthrough.

We walk up to the deli and take a table on the patio. Ginger settles at our feet, and we are the only ones outside. I look up at her, and she quickly looks down at the menu. Was she looking at me?

"So have you ever eaten here?"

"Yes, I stop by every once in a while to pick up dinner. The pastrami with sauerkraut is excellent. But anything they have is good."

"A girl that likes pastrami and sauerkraut? I must say, Jules, I think you're after my heart."

Saved by the waitress, Julia doesn't have to immediately respond to my comment. Although I hope I'll learn something from her reaction. "May I?" She nods to me. "Two pastrami with kraut and I'll have a—" we need something to loosen us up a bit. "Do you have any beer?"

"Yes, sir."

"Sam Adams?" She nods. "Great I'll have one. Jules?"

"The same thanks." She smiles at the waitress who then smiles at me, and I can tell that she's trying to gauge the relationship Julia and I have. Usually, a little flirtation would flatter me but right now I am only focused on the beautiful woman before me. I only offer her a quick, friendly smile before directing my focus back to Jules. I don't want to encourage her.

The waitress leaves to fill our orders, and I just want to bombard her with questions, but I can tell that that is not the way I will get to know her. She's different here, away from work, but she is still maintaining some boundaries. I need to find my way around them, and I believe I'll need to have patience. I can't push her, she's not the kind that can be pushed. Thankfully she speaks first.

"I think she's trying to get your attention." She nods her head towards the entrance to the deli, clearly referring to the waitress.

"Really? I hadn't noticed. I'm too focused on you." I smile at her and hope she sees it as genuine. By the blush on her cheeks that wasn't there just a second ago, I'd say it was received as planned. "So how long have you lived here?" I ask her, starting slow.

"I moved to Massachusetts right out of high school and have been here ever since. I actually used to live in Cambridge. In fact, I still did when I got the job at Miljone. I moved to Boston about four and a half years ago. As soon as I spent my first winter here, I knew this was where I wanted to be, and I've never thought of leaving."

"I'm hoping that winter has the same effect on me." I laugh. "But as I said earlier, it'll be my first snow. I'm excited but kind of nervous." I give her a smile. The waitress approaches the table to drop off our beers. She must have decided that her flirtations will continue to go unnoticed because she doesn't linger, and we are able to continue our discussion.

"I can't believe you've never had snow. Everyone brags about California, but I must say, you guys get screwed." She takes a swig of her beer, and I can see she's relaxing. "I've actually never been there. It might be nice to visit one day, but I don't think I could live without the change of colors in the fall or a foot of snow on Christmas morning. But my favorite is the moment spring arrives. All the empty branches on the trees come back to life, and they cycle through all the beauty once again." She takes another swig and giggles. "Sappy right? God, I sound like a vacation commercial for New England."

I smile at her passion and take a drink of my own beer. I just can't stop looking at her. The way her whole face shines when she smiles. "Well if that's what you're selling, I'll buy it." We both laugh.

Our sandwiches show up, and both of us waste no time digging in. I can't help the sounds of satisfaction that escape me when the blissful flavors touch my tongue. I look over, and Jules has her eyes closed while she savors her own. "Mmmmmmmm. This is amazing, Jules."

"I told you. They're excellent! The beer just takes it over the top. Thank you for asking me to lunch today." She takes another bite, and I see it again, the pleasure on her face. If a sandwich and a beer can make her so happy, maybe I have a shot.

"No, thank you for finally saying yes to lunch. You know I have eaten every meal I've had since I moved here all by myself? I was this close to developing a serious complex." I hold up my hand with my fingers held a half-inch apart. I tried to look serious but by the look on her face, she appeared stunned by my words. She's taking me seriously. I need to lighten her perception; I wasn't trying to guilt her. "Jules, I'm just kidding about the complex. But really, I am enjoying this, and I'm glad it's with you."

The seriousness leaves her face and the carefree woman I started this meal with has returned. "I only ever said no because A, I had a lot to do, I'm a very busy girl and B, well I don't usually socialize with co-workers."

"Why is that? We aren't subordinates to each other. So A, it's innocent, for now, anyway." She doesn't miss that one and raises her eyebrows as if to say, "Oh really now?" But I race to my second point, not giving her a chance to object. "And B, you have a partner now to help with all those things _we_ have to do."

"I'm just not a very social person I guess. To be honest I've never been social with anyone at work except Frank."

"So you and Frank..." Oh no, she's going to tell me she's with him or has been. Do I really want to hear the answer to this question?

"No! Oh no, nothing like that." The look on my face must have been obvious because she says it in a way that will quickly discount any thoughts I was having. "Frank was ultimately the one that hired me and he has always stood by me. I owe him a lot. He's just a really good friend."

"Oh." I sigh with relief. "He seems like a good guy, but I'm glad to hear that he's not my competition." I look at her slyly, not sure of what her reaction will be.

She meets my eyes, and I see it all. Nerves, innocence, hope, and fear. What is she so scared of? For such a beautiful young woman, she's so reserved. I will have to assume that something has happened in her past, something painful. I sincerely hope I didn't just cross a line. And God, what made me say that in the first place? I can't help that I met this incredible woman only a couple of weeks ago and from the first moment I knew I had met her for a reason—I felt it.

She takes a drink of her beer and rests the bottle on her lap. She's looking down at it for a minute but lifts her head so she can see me from just under the shield of her lashes. "He's not competition, there is no competition." She lifts her beer to her lips and empties its contents in one smooth swig. It's as if she's searching for courage at the bottom of the amber colored glass.

I pick up mine and do the same. "Another?" I motion to her with my matching bottle.

Picking up her empty bottle she smiles at me, clinking it with mine, and says, "Sure, why not?"

I call the waitress to bring two more and with a nod she disappears back inside. When she reappears, she sets a bottle of beer in front of each of us. This time I can feel her eyes linger on me for a second, but my eyes are on Julia. She disappears once again dissatisfied with my lack of attention.

I pick up my beer and raise it, and she follows suit. "To new partnerships and friendships. And to wherever they may lead us." We clink bottles again and this time it's a real toast, to the future. Hopefully, to our future.

Julia

CONVERSATION WITH HIM FLOWS SO easily. But then again maybe it's the three beers I've had that make it appear that way. I was shy when we ran into each other at the park, but now we are laughing easily and having a good time. He's funny and animated, and I can't help but smile every time he does, which has been almost constantly. Sadly, I have to admit that it's the best time I've had in what seems like forever. He tells me about California where he grew up and went to school. He mentions again that he was married but gives no details except to declare its end. I don't ask because I too have things I'm not yet willing to tell.

We laugh and things feel so comfortable. Before we know it, two hours have passed. I don't want this to end, but I don't know how to convey this without making myself feel weak and needy. But now that I've allowed myself to get to know this man, the man that has caused me to feel again from the very first time we met, I want more. I truly want to find out what it is about him that does this to me.

"I'd like to take you out tonight. What do you say, will you show me your city?" He's not laughing or joking now. He's serious.

"Why, Mr. Edmunds, are you asking me to take you on a date?" I ask flirtatiously, obviously the beer talking.

He looks at me mischievously and nervously bites his upper lip. "Does my asking you to take me on a date offend you. Ms. Morreau?"

"Offend me? Not at all. I haven't done this, the dating thing, in a really long time. But I just have to clear the elephant in the room first. Do you think it's wise? Us being co-workers, I'm just not sure—"

"I'm sure, okay? Trust me." He interrupts me and reaches for my hand and as soon as he takes it, there it is. Electricity. I look at our hands and then up at him. I know right then that he does feel it too. I won't win against him because I won't fight.

"I trust you." And I do.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He and Ginger walk me back home so that I could change for the evening. He leaves with a promise to return at seven, and I watch him walk away feeling like my life is about to change. I'm nervous and scared and excited all at once. I go inside and give his name to the doorman with instructions to send him up to my suite when he arrives.

Walking into my place, it dawns on me what this all means. I am making my first move towards moving on and making a new life. I don't know how to date, I haven't been on a date in sixteen years. What do I do if he kisses me? How far do I allow this to go? How far do I want it to go? Nerves are settling in, and I actually contemplate calling him to cancel. Lucky for me, I don't have his number.

I busy myself for a while tidying up which doesn't entail much because it's just me, and I have to admit I suffer from OCD on multiple levels. Going around the living area, I fluff pillows and straighten the few knickknacks that adorn my simple decor. It's then that I come across the few pictures I have of my family. I don't want to feel like I'm hiding them, but I don't yet want to have to explain them and what happened to them. After six years, it's easier to get through my days, but I don't want anyone to show me pity or think I have a weakness because of what I went through. Right now, I have no idea where this relationship may lead, but I don't see my past as a good icebreaker. I take the pictures and set them on the spare room nightstand. With tears in my eyes, I look at the one of Alex and the kids, it was a Mother's Day gift from them. "Please understand, I just can't share you yet. But please know that I love you." I leave the room, shutting the door behind me.

I finally decide that what I need is a long, hot bath. That will calm me down and relax me. I leave the water running and decide that a glass of wine would add to the valium effect I so desperately need. Walking back into the bathroom I recall the last bath I attempted and can't help but laugh. It had spilled over because I was fantasizing about him. It occurs to me that if I'm reading all of this correctly, that fantasy may soon become a reality. That thought alone causes heat to surge through me and a need to settle between my legs. The thought that his touch, which even in my imagination brings me so much pleasure, could soon be real. My heart and my mind may still be indecisive, but my body is totally on board. The sound of running water interrupts my thoughts. I run to the bathroom just in time to shut off the faucet and as luck would have it, another overflow is narrowly averted. Just the distraction I needed.

I remove my clothes and settle into the hot water. I try not to think about anything at all. I want to clear my mind and let go of all the worries and inhibitions for just a little while. It's hard for me to give up that control. I have had total control of every detail of my life for a long time now, but all I had to control was work and the little time I ever spent away from it. Allowing myself to start a relationship, no matter what it's destined to become, is new territory and a trip to the unknown.

The same questions haunt me. Am I ready for this? I want to be ready, but I wonder if anyone ever really is _ready_. After already having and losing what I once wanted, I try to recall if I was even ready then. Did I even question if I was? The answer is no, I never questioned it then and I finally reason with myself that there is no need to question it now. I am attracted to Derick. I feel completely at ease with him, and there is that connection between us when we touch. So far touching has been limited to our hands. Whatever am I to expect when we finally kiss? With that thought, I know in my heart that I want this. I want him. I know that there is no doubt that I'm going to fall in love with this man. I also have no doubt that Alex has done exactly what I asked him to do. He sent me a sign.

Derick

THE MINUTES JUST WON'T GO by fast enough, seven seems so far away. It turns out we only live about three and a half blocks from each other. All these nights I've spent thinking about her, and she was so close all along. I would think I'd be nervous about tonight, after all, this is my first date since I met my ex-wife. But I'm not nervous, not about the date anyway. Excitement and hope fuel my emotions right now. I must admit I'm a little nervous about getting my heart broken again, but who wouldn't be after the betrayal I experienced? I've been single for almost a year due to the earth-shattering discovery of my wife cheating on me with my best friend. I'm not the single guy type, though. I have an exemplary example in my parents, and I can only hope one day to have what they have had for more than forty years.

Julia puzzles me though. I honestly thought there was a chance that she hated me until today. All the lunch rejections and just the general way she avoids any personal interaction with me. I have noticed though that it's not just me she avoids. That alone gave me some hope. Though she hasn't said as much, I know it's true that she didn't want to accept my position to work beside her. I guess it's been an adjustment for her, that she alone is no longer solely responsible for the function of the office. But personally, I guess I had expected a slightly warmer welcome. There is no denying now what I felt when I first met her, and although I have been good at holding it back, she's been denying it all together.

Today when I saw her sitting on that bench, I saw my in. It only took me a moment to decide that if I was to connect with her this was it, while she was in her element. She looked so beautiful sitting there, looking out over the pond. It looked like she was talking to herself at first, so I kept back to give her privacy. I saw her wipe her face, like maybe she had been crying. She looked so relaxed but not totally at peace, like she was looking for an answer somewhere out there on the rippled water. I tossed Ginger's ball in her direction knowing full well that it would get her attention. Treacherous as it may be, I knew that she wouldn't be able to resist. And I swear I saw a light in her eyes when she saw me. I know it sounds conceited, but I saw peace then, like she had gotten her answer.

The afternoon was amazing. Though she still has only let me in on very little of her life, I feel like the gap is closing and that maybe we can discover what this is that exists between us. I am willing to be patient, but won't deny I'm anxious to see where this may go. I want to touch her again and feel the current that flows between us. I've been craving it since that first day. I want to touch so much more than her hand. I want to caress her cheek. Graze her skin with my fingertips. I want to hold her face in my hands and brush her lips with mine. I want to devour her mouth and sustain this hunger she builds in me. I feel like I need her, and I hope I'll have her soon because I just don't know how much longer I can last. I can't recall ever feeling this way about Ann. I never felt the need. I loved her, yes, if I hadn't I wouldn't have married her, but I never _needed_ her.

Julia is different. I have a feeling that behind this beautiful, headstrong woman is a wounded soul of sorts. It's definitely not that she puts herself out there in that way, but I couldn't help but notice that when I made the comment today about having competition, she shied away. I want her in the worst way, but I want to be patient with her. It's meant to be, I know this in my heart. I just have to remember and trust that the best things, or, in this case, the best woman, is well worth waiting for.

I have no idea what the agenda for the evening will be. I asked her to show me her city, and I will go anywhere and do anything she wants me to do. I gave her the reins, but I still have full intentions of making sure that she is the one that is impressed. It's not about sex with her, although if it is half as good as my fantasies have played out, I will be the luckiest man ever. My goal for tonight is not to get her into my bed, but rather to get into her heart.

After two hours of trying to keep myself from going crazy I've accomplished a workout, a shower and shave, and painful wardrobe decisions. I doubt we are going for a classy, tie-required evening, so I finally settle on a pair of jeans, a button-up shirt, and a sports jacket. I give my hair the _finger comb over_ and spray on some of my favorite cologne. Looking at my reflection I'm a little nervous, like first date nervous, which makes perfect sense. But it feels good.

I walk up to her building at about a quarter to seven. I didn't want to be too early, but waiting was absolutely driving me nuts. I just can't wait to see her. I did take a small detour to buy her a rose. A single rose, the first of many I plan to give her. I make my way through the entrance and up to the security desk.

"Yes, sir, can I help you?" the doorman asks. He seems friendly enough, but I wouldn't cross him.

"Yes, sir, you can. I'm here to see Julia Morreau. My name is Derick Edmunds." He gives me a look as if sizing me up. Is it that Julia doesn't get many visitors or has he ranked me among the others she's had? I dismiss the latter. The way she acts with me, so reserved, I highly doubt there are many others, not that she entertains anyway.

Finally a small grin as he looks at the rose and back at me. I take that as approval. "Yes, sir. She left your name earlier. Go on up, sixth floor, suite B."

"Thank you kindly, sir," I respond and I turn and head towards the elevator.

While inside I feel like I'm going to burst at the seams with built-up anticipation. It almost scares me how badly I want to see her. I lift the rose to my nose and take in its fragrance while the elevator climbs to the sixth floor and with a _ding_ it stops and the doors open. I step out and notice that there are only two suites and go to B.

"Here goes," I say quietly to myself and knock on the door.

"Coming!" She yells from inside.

Seconds later she opens the door, and I'm speechless. She looks beautiful and funny enough her clothing selection looks ironically similar to mine. She's wearing jeans that hug the shape of her legs, a knit top, and a cardigan. Casual, but stunning.

I hold out the rose, and she reaches to take it, blushing just slightly. I like that color on her, it suits her. She lifts the rose to her nose, like I had done just moments ago, and inhales, closing her eyes for a long second.

"It's beautiful, thank you, it's very thoughtful."

"Not as beautiful as you, but then that's not a fair comparison." And again I get to see the pink on her cheeks. I can and will say whatever it takes to see her blush all evening.

She looks at me, right into my eyes. For a long moment I'm lost, we're lost together. She's the one to break the connection.

"So, are you a late eater?"

"Sometimes, I guess." Weird question. And my face must convey my thoughts.

"Well, I was thinking that maybe we could go do some sightseeing and stop for dinner later. I'm still full from lunch. Or we don't have to eat at all, we could snack, dessert, whatever you want." She's not being the stern and in control person I witness at the office, she's so much softer and pleasing.

"I am yours to do with what you will." Again she's blushing. "How about we figure it out as we go?"

"Sounds like a plan. You know we aren't far from some really great parts of the city. Would you like to walk and take a little more advantage of this fall weather? I figure we might hop on the train too, a couple of the places we might go to are a little farther."

"Call it presumptuous, but I actually walked here." A laugh escapes.

"Presumptuous maybe, but I prefer to call it insightful."

She leaves the room briefly, and I glance around to take in the room. Maybe I can get a feel for her tastes. She doesn't have a lot of decoration. The room is very well kept and uncluttered; the word pristine comes to mind. I don't think I will learn much from what I see until I spot the cello on a stand in the corner. Given the lack of interior decorating I figure she must play and that it's not just for visual pleasure. She returns with a small purse in tow, and I can smell her freshly applied perfume. I'll tuck my questions about the instrument away for now, but I'm very intrigued.

"Shall we, Mr. Edmunds?" She leads the way out, and we step out onto the sidewalk and head in the direction of the Public Garden. Down Beacon Street, in the Back Bay are mostly brownstone condos and townhomes, but here and there you'll see a business. They're mostly consulting companies and such, they don't come with a lot of foot traffic. In Boston itself there are tons of small businesses that she explains are mostly multi-generationally owned, old money. I enjoy watching her and can tell by the way she talks about it that she loves this place. She goes on about the architecture and how preserved and respected the buildings are, how each has a history. She's so different here than at work, so relaxed but equally passionate. I think this is the real her and I feel like I've been let in on a secret seeing her this way, I don't think a lot of people get to.

We are walking close enough for our arms to brush together every once in a while but for me it's not close enough. I want to reach out and grab her hand or to put my arm around her shoulder and pull her closer. I was never very good at first moves and because I never lived the life of a player, I haven't any tricks of the trade. She takes us past the edge of the garden at Arlington, and I truly have no clue as to where we're going.

"Have you done any sightseeing since you've been here?"

"Not really, no."

"So you have no clue right now as to where I might be taking you?"

"None at all."

"One last question then. Were you ever into Eighties sitcoms?" She stops and points to the sign. I didn't see it because I wasn't paying attention to anything but her. Then she starts singing, "Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name." And it's then I realize the sign she's pointing at says "Cheers EST.1895."

We both break into laughter. "That was the best intro I've ever seen. You want to go in and have a beer? Maybe Norm's hanging out." Again we laugh.

"Don't be disappointed, okay? It doesn't look exactly like it did in the show. But it's a Boston icon. All your friends will laugh at you if you tell them you live in Boston, only two blocks from Cheers and have never gone there."

Friends, I have none anymore, but she has one hell of a point.

Derick

WE WALK OUT OF CHEERS a little looser, more relaxed and having fun like I never expected. We head back down Arlington, and I spot a store that has a window display of sheet music and two mannequins, one holding a violin and the other a flute. Without thinking I grab hold of her hand and pull her towards the store. She doesn't resist, and she's nearly running to keep up with my long strides.

Once in the store I don't let go of her hand, and she doesn't attempt to break the connection either. Finally, we're connected.

"I thought you might like this store. I saw the cello in your living room. Do you play?"

She looks at me and her eyes sparkle. She answers as she marvels at the instruments hanging on the wall. "Yes, I do. I started when I was twelve, and I was in the concert orchestra all through high school. I stopped for a while, you know—while life had other plans for me—but took it back up a few years ago. Only it's like a therapy now, a de-stressor of sorts."

"I would love to hear you play sometime. I am not at all musically gifted. I dance all right, and I love to listen to all genres but creating it just isn't my thing." For a second she looks a little skeptical at my request.

"We'll see, Mr. Edmunds. I haven't played for anyone in more than fifteen years. I do still play sometimes though. I'd have to trust you not to critique me too harshly." There is a shy but flirtatious tone to her statement.

"I won't critique you at all, I promise." I look at her face, and it says so much. She in some ways is like me. She's not going to give her heart to just anyone, but when she does she'll give it completely. "Hey, I happen to know there's an ice cream shop around the corner, are you in the mood for dessert?"

"I would love dessert." God if she only knew how much that phrase gets to me. Dessert. I so want to give her that, but mine wouldn't necessarily be vanilla.

We leave the music store and walk to the ice cream shop, still hand in hand. I feel like a twenty-year-old on a first date. With every moment I spend with this woman it's harder to deny what I feel. I know I am very much in trouble because I'm going to fall in love with her. I think I already am.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia

I can't believe he brought me to the music store, how he knew that I would love it. Okay, yes I have the cello on a stand in the corner of the living room, but why would he just assume that it was something I love and not just some decoration I chose? Well, I guess when I consider the lack of decor, I can understand how he made the connection. My music is a secret that not even Alex knew of. He knew I had the cello, but I let him believe it was my father's, just another token I kept. I stopped playing before we got together and didn't start back up until after he was gone, just like I told Derick, as a therapy. Now Derick knows a truth I never even told my husband. My cello was something I found in the attic while cleaning out the house, and couldn't bear to part with. But Derick knew. He made the connection, and right away he understood, I didn't have to explain.

I'm falling for this guy. I want to stop it but at the same time I don't. I've had so many fantasies of him over the last few weeks, and now he is here, and there is no mistaking that he feels something for me as well. I don't quite know how to handle this just yet. Do I act or wait for him? I do know one thing: I don't want this night to end.

We walk into the ice cream shop and place our order. I get a vanilla sundae with pineapple and caramel, and he gets a hot fudge with extra nuts. We settle in at a table, and both dig in. This is too perfect. But after a couple of bites, I drop my spoon into my cup and press the heel of my hand to my forehead. Derick starts laughing.

"And just what's so funny about me having a brain freeze?" I say wincing at the pain.

"Nothing, except the fact that, why is it we never learn how to avoid them? Take a deep breath in and blow it out slowly. It helps."

I do as he suggests, and almost immediately the pain lessens. "That's a little better. Maybe I should take it a little slower, you'd think I haven't ever had ice cream." I look at him with a smile and spoon up another bite. "So I know this isn't a couple of beers, but you know ice cream is the next best thing when it comes to talking about shitty relationships. It's usually a girl code thing, of course, but can I ask what happened with your marriage? I mean it's ultimately what brought you here isn't it?"

"It's exactly what brought me here and now that I am here and have met you, it makes the whole thing seem more like a blessing." He makes eye contact, and I'm positive I'm blushing, but he goes on. "Well, I was married for ten years, pretty much right out of college. It started off feeling like love. I thought I was in love with her. I tried everything to make it work, but she would cut me off at every pass. I wanted kids, and she didn't. That was a big one. Finally one day I came home early to find her and my best friend together." I gasp, and he takes another bite of his ice cream. "Anyway, she gave me all the bullshit excuses for what she did, but the funny thing is I just didn't care anymore. I had been fighting for something that was over a long time ago. Honestly, I think it was what I needed, the kick in the ass to free myself from a relationship that was dead and had no chance of revival. The only part that still pisses me off was losing my best friend. That betrayal ran much deeper because we grew up together. In the end though, it freed me and now I have a chance again to find real love."

While he says the last line, he looks intently at me and my eyes are locked with his. We are sitting here eating frozen treats, but I am totally on fire, feeling like any moment my body might burst into flames. This man is going to be responsible for my undoing. And I plan to go willingly because there is definitely no question as to what I want to happen between us. The flutter in my stomach and a tingling between my legs is making what I want very clear.

"Jules, I don't want you to think I'm coming on too strong, and I know we work together but, I know you feel it, there's something between us." He reaches across the table and takes my hand, and just like every other time—sparks.

I nod. "I do." I don't break eye contact with him.

"And? If you can't because of our professional relationship, I'll find a new job tomorrow." I smile sheepishly. "I'm serious! I don't want anything to stand in the way. I want this beautiful, intelligent woman sitting across from me to want me as much as I've been wanting her."

"And who says she doesn't?"

He gives me an incredulous look and smiles. In a voice that conveys genuine intent, he asks, "Would you like to come back to my place with me? I'll keep my hands to myself. We can do anything you want. I'm sure Ginger would love to see you again."

"I'd love to see her again too. But I want you to tell me something."

"What's that?"

"That you were lying when you said you'd keep your hands to yourself." Oh, holy mother! I can't believe I just said that but I meant it.

"I wasn't lying, but I'm willing to take it back."

"I'll take that." On one floor of this very tall building that I built to protect myself, the walls just came tumbling down.

He grabs my hand to help me out of the booth and smiles as he entwines his fingers with mine. His eyes are sparkling like he just received a gift he never expected. This both excites me and makes me nervous as hell at the same time. But even as nervous as I am about what may happen tonight, I want it more than anything.

We walk together, hands still linked in an odd silence for a while, my mind reeling. It's been fifteen years since I dated, six since I've been touched by a man. But, an ease rests over me when I think about what he told me about his marriage, it was right out of college. It's possible that it's been awhile for him too. I suppose he may have had a fling or two after the split, but I get the feeling that he didn't. So together we are starting over like two young kids, venturing into distantly familiar, however recently uninhabited territory.

Approaching the front of a brownstone, he tugs my hand as we ascend the steps. I guess I expected him to live in a condo too, like me. But with Ginger it makes sense that a small yard is a real estate requirement. As we enter, we are greeted by Ginger, and it is unmistakable how happy she is to see Derick. He ruffles her ears and shows me into the living room.

"Have a seat and make yourself at home. Red or white wine?"

"Red, thank you." I sit and look around the room while he goes to the kitchen. The room kind of reminds me of my own, very little to tell me about the man of this house. At least he has the _just moved in_ excuse that I don't. It's a loft apartment, which I couldn't tell from the outside. The bedroom is up in the loft area and can be seen from where I sit on the couch. For a moment sitting here all alone all I can think to look at is the bed.

He comes back with a bottle and two glasses. Setting them on the coffee table, he sits down beside me on the couch and leans forward to fill our glasses. He hands one to me and takes his own and sits back. He takes a sip of his wine and just looks at me for a moment. I nervously sip my own wine and glance at him briefly before glancing away.

My heart is picking up the pace, and I feel a warmth spreading all over my body. It's not the wine, it's being alone and so close to this beautiful man that is setting me on fire. As I wait for him to say something, anything, I look back up and meet his eyes. Click. We are locked in on each other. He sits forward, setting his wine back on the table and takes mine to do the same. Adrenaline is coursing through my body, a high I've never experienced.

He places his hand on my cheek, and I lean into his touch. Just this is enough to make me want more of what's been missing for so, so long. He looks into my eyes, "You are so incredibly beautiful. I haven't gone one day since meeting you without wanting you. I felt it the first time we met, when I took your hand. I knew right then that everything I had endured was for that moment."

"I felt it too." It's barely a whisper, far from the confident woman I usually am. I want him to kiss me more than I've wanted anything in so long. And in that second of wanting, he acts. I need to want no more. His lips are pressed to mine, softly at first but becoming harder and more needy with every breath. My mind goes blank of everything but the taste of his mouth and the feel of his hands on me. I feel desperate for more, to have him closer.

I wrap my arms around his neck to pull him closer, and he responds by pulling me to his lap and holding me with his arms now wrapped around my waist. I'm so lost in him, it's just us in this moment. Every feeling of nervousness is gone, need and wanting replace it. He pulls back nearly panting, leaving us both to catch our breath but keeps one arm wrapped securely around me. He doesn't want me to move any more than do I.

"You have no idea how much I've wanted to do that. I apologize if it caught you off guard, but I'm not at all sorry I did it." He's searching my face, trying to gauge my thoughts, and it would appear that from the smile that takes over his face that he sees a mirror of his own. For the first time in six years, I worry for nothing.

I smile back and lean into him kissing his lips again softly. There's no rush now that the initial urgent need is satisfied. He places his hand on the side of my face, pulling back just enough to speak. "Are you okay with this?" I nod. I'm sure.

Looking into his eyes I can see the sincerity. He won't go any further than I want him to. How do I convey to him that right now there is no limit? I don't do things I regret, that part of me, even with this man, has not changed, and there is nothing that can happen right now or ever that would change it. The assertive, in charge part of me wants nothing more than to surrender to this man right now, to let him take the lead. I close the distance between us, leaning in to kiss the corner of his mouth and following the trail down his jaw line, down his neck, and settling in the crook of his shoulder. His cologne smells delicious, and I rest there to memorize his scent.

When I lift my head back up and meet his eyes again, they are on fire. Burning with lust and an urgency that makes me want to do anything for him. I don't think, not even for a second, because if I do I'm afraid I'll deny us both what we so badly want right now.

I nod to him, "I want this." Again only a whisper leaves my lips, and before he can mistake that for uncertainty, I press my lips to his again.

His primal male instinct kicks in and in one fluid motion he is standing and carrying me but never removing his mouth from mine. I don't think about where he is taking me, I only know that I want to be wherever he is. Up the stairs to the loft, he sets me on the bed falling alongside me. He breaks from our kiss, caressing the side of my face and grazes the side of my neck with his fingers. I tip my head back giving him full access. Every place he touches is left wanting to be touched again. And he satisfies that want by following the same trail with his lips. A whimper escapes me as other parts of me ignite. It's amazing to feel my body react to him, knowing that his is reacting as well.

He pulls away and stands, positioning himself in front of me and reaching for my hands. For a second I'm afraid he has changed his mind, but he pulls me to stand in front of him, places a soft kiss on my lips and runs both his hands over my shoulders catching the cardigan I'm wearing and assisting in its descent from my body. I just keep my eyes on him, all fear that he's changed his mind is lost when I see his focus and delight with one less barrier between us. He proceeds to run the tips of his fingers down the front of my shirt grazing my breasts lightly, leaving a tingle in his wake. When he reaches the hem of my shirt, he slides his hand under it and touches the bare skin of my stomach.

My breath hitches as another area of my body that has been denied another's touch for so long is finally liberated. I want him to touch every inch of my skin, to wash it free of its loneliness, to bring it back to life. I reach for him now touching him as he does me. I want to see him too, to feel him uncovered. I start with the top button and pull it free, keeping my eyes locked on his the entire time, working down to the next. He stands there willing me to learn him, to know he's learning me. Each button that comes undone reveals more of him until the last is free causing his shirt to fall open and his chest to be completely exposed to me.

I put my hands on him and lean in to lay feather light kisses on his chest. He smells delicious, causing the hunger in me to grow full tilt. He sucks in his own breath as I touch him. He returns to his task of lifting the bottom of my shirt. I accommodate him by moving so that he can pull it over my head smoothly. As the cloth leaves my body, his eyes work their way over me. I am anxious, I have not been this bare for a man in a long time, but seeing his growing lust is reassuring.

It's not that I mind him taking his time with me, but now that we've gotten this far I am dying for the pleasure I have been denied, for the release. I reach behind me to undo my bra and with a shrug of my shoulders it falls slowly from my body. I want his skin on my skin. I want nothing between us. I move close, pressing my breasts against his warm chest, I press my lips to his. I need to convey that he is what I need.

He gets my message loud and clear, and it only takes him a second to reach for my jeans, pushing them down over my hips and freeing me of their burden. Kicking them off with my feet, I reach for his as well, first just unbuttoning them and sliding my hand between the fabric that's holding him from me. There is absolutely no questioning that our need for each other is mutual, and that's what pushes any further doubt from my mind. He returns his lips to mine, taking the time to explore my mouth with his tongue and my body with his hands. He guides me blindly back towards the bed never breaking our kiss until I fall to the bed, when he then finishes the task of removing his jeans and briefs.

I gasp, at his size, his readiness, and how amazingly sexy this man is. I am so ready for this, ready for him to make all my fantasies look like a joke. He leans over softly grabbing my panties and sliding them down my legs. We are both bare before each other and aroused to no end. He reaches for his drawer and pulls out a little packet. My rational thinking is so far gone that I wouldn't have even asked. I'm glad one of us is still able to think cognitively with the growing sexual tension building with every second. He removes it and puts the condom on and leans back down over me, kissing me.

He lifts himself up just so I can see his face, "There are so many things I want to do to you. But right now I just want you so badly, I'm afraid I won't last. Are you ready for this, for us?"

"I am." His eyes are burning with so much desire, and I know he can see the same in mine. He kisses me again and presses his cock to my opening and thrusts himself inside me. Oh, my God! I'm surprised the way he fills me and by how fucking good it feels. He moves slowly to allow me to adjust to him and seems to know when I'm ready for more. With more speed and more force, he reminds my body how much pleasure there is to be had. My orgasm builds with a fury that by itself is a force to be reckoned with. He must feel it too, my walls tightening around him. He looks into my eyes and it's as if a silent agreement is made. We come together, with moans and screams of pure pleasure. Two people finding release and breaking a tension that has existed since that first handshake. Was this really the beginning of an _us_? Tonight, I don't want to think, I just want to enjoy this moment.

Derick

WE LIE HERE; OUR BODIES are still pressed together. I hug her close and hope to God she doesn't try to leave tonight. Instead, we make love twice more until exhaustion takes over us, and now she sleeps in my arms. It never felt like this with Ann. There were feelings but now I'm convinced that they were never the right ones. Not like the ones I already feel for this woman.

I know so little about her really, and she doesn't volunteer much information. Maybe I should find that troubling, but it just means I want to take the time to know her. In time, she'll trust me enough to let me in. There's nothing she could possibly tell me that would make any difference to me anyway. I may be setting myself up for the ultimate let down at some point, but I'm willing to risk it. For weeks, I've thought of nothing but her, and now that I've had her I will never let her go.

It's been a little more than a year since my divorce and my first intentions were to be ruthless and reckless. Never tie myself down again. Hell, I took my vows seriously, and that didn't work so well, not with her. So I thought I would change my hopeless romantic spots and just be the guy that didn't care. Meaningless sex, no strings attached, I thought I could do it. But I couldn't. That's not me, and I could never treat someone that way. So I figured I'd just sit back and let fate take charge. I honestly think that fate is at work here. I believe there's a reason I'm here and why I'm holding her now.

What will the conversation between us be in the morning? Will she tell me that _we_ can't be? I was serious when I told her I would find a new job if she thought our working together would be a problem. That's just how positive I am that this is meant to be. She's mine, and I won't let her go without a fight.

Finally, I drift off feeling for the first time in a year that I am exactly where I should be, with exactly whom I should be with. It's calming and scary all the same, but it's right.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I wake in the morning to Julia nuzzling closer to me, and it's a welcome feeling. I can't tell if she's awake yet but if she's dreaming, she's happy. I'd like to think I have a little something to do with that. I squeeze her a little tighter and kiss the top of her head. A hum of acknowledgment and acceptance escapes her, and I know she's just waking up.

"Good morning, beautiful," I say in a low raspy morning voice. I still can't believe I finally get to say that to her.

"Good morning." She shifts just a little so she can look up at me and kisses the underside of my chin.

"Not that I want you to have plans that don't include me for the day, but what are your plans for today?" Please say staying with me.

While continuing to kiss my neck and down to where she's settled on my chest, she takes small pauses to speak. "Well, I really don't have any, except I'll have to go home, to shower and change at some point. If you don't want me to have plans that don't include you, I suppose you should make plans that do."

Flipping her to her back and moving so that we are at eye level I kiss her lips softly. "Consider them made. First of which is to make love to you."

She hums in agreement, and I kiss her again a little harder.

"Then, coffee." Another kiss. "Then we'll decide the rest together." I kiss my way down until I'm able to take her nipple in my mouth and flick it with my tongue making it taut and then moving to the other.

Her breath is already coming short as her body grows ready for me. "If I wasn't so damned addicted to coffee, I'd tell you it's not necessary, because what you're doing is much better than coffee." She's almost breathless already.

"Well, you can have as much of this as you want." Rising back up to meet her lips again I reach between her thighs to feel just how _awake_ she is. "For me, this is definitely the best part of waking up."

I slide into her and marvel at the feel of her around me. It's perfect. We fit perfectly, made for each other. I could never get tired of this. In fact, every little taste leaves me wanting more. She reaches her arms around me and clutches my back, digging her nails into my skin, enough to drive me wild. She's not aggressive but it is a far cry from the shyness of our first time together last night. She's letting go, and it feels amazing. Working myself in and out of her is completely addicting. The feel of her, I will never get enough of it no matter how much she gives.

I feel her start to tighten around me and know that her orgasm is close. Her head is tilted back slightly, and her eyes are closed. I want to see her while she explodes with passion, the passion I give her.

"Julia, baby, please look at me. I want to see you." She opens her eyes, and they meet mine. That's all it takes for both of us to plunge full on and together. Her eyes stay glued to mine, and I see so many emotions in those eyes. Some I don't understand but just as many I do. I feel as if she's somewhere else but here with me at the same time.

As we both relax after our high, I kiss her softly, feeling like after what I saw in her eyes, she needs tenderness.

"Jules, are you okay?" She must know what I saw though I don't know the reasons. I won't press her, I want her to tell me on her own.

"I'm okay," she whispers, and lifts her head up to kiss me, softly, like I did a moment ago. Some of the darkness has left her eyes and the light is returning.

"Do you know how beautiful you are? Most of all when you're coming with me. You're amazing, Julia." Her eyes begin to gloss over, and I'm ignorant as to what I've done or said that would do this to her. There's something inside there, and it's painful and I've somehow brought it to the surface. I would take it back, if I only knew what it was.

"You're pretty amazing yourself and thank you. How about that coffee now?" She's completely diverted and smiles like nothing was ever off.

"You got it. If you want to use the shower here, there are some towels in the closet, help yourself." I stand up from the bed grabbing my jeans from the floor and pull them on to go to the kitchen. I lean over her and kiss her nose. "Coffee will be ready when you are." And with that I leave her looking absolutely beautiful in my bed but also giving her the time she needs. I am a patient man, and I can wait. For her, I will wait forever if I must.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia

I should just tell him and get it out of the way. If this is the start of something, keeping secrets is a bad idea, but I'm just not ready. I know he caught on that something is wrong. I just wasn't prepared to hide my emotions. I should have known that getting back out there and starting my life again was going to have its moments, but I never imagined how quickly they may come.

When he said, I was beautiful when we... there was just no holding back. It wasn't what he said exactly, being that it was something Alex had said to me so long ago. It was that I could tell that he meant it, and it made me remember how it felt to be cherished. I've been missing that for so long and have convinced myself that I would never feel that way again, but Derick made me feel it.

I get out of his bed and head for the bathroom, stopping at the closet for a towel and washcloth. I turn on the shower and go about securing my hair in a knot on top of my head. I step in and feel relaxed as the warm water cascades over my body. My thoughts drift back to the night before and this morning. Waking up with someone, a warm body holding me protectively was amazing. After six years of a cold, lonely bed, I can easily get used to this. He hasn't asked yet, not that he will, but if he asks me to stay, I know I will. I guess giving myself no other option than to be alone has worked for me, but I think deep inside I don't want to be alone anymore.

I squeeze some of his body wash onto my washcloth and inhale its scent, it's his and I think that it might be my new favorite. I'm okay with the fact that everything in here is his and manly scented. It helps to avoid the jealousy that I'm afraid I won't be able to control if I did see feminine items. I don't think bringing me here was orchestrated, he may have hoped for it, but I don't believe it was _the_ plan.

I feel refreshed but saddened that, in showering, I removed all traces of him from me. But my head is clearer, and I feel like everything's going to be okay. Though I'm not going to tell him everything now, I will eventually, the timing just has to be right. I know he will understand, but I'm not sure how he'll react. No matter how much reassurance I might give, being the first man I've been with since Alex may put pressure on him that I can't let him bear. If this is meant to be between us, I want to know he has confidence in us first.

Dressed back in my clothes from the night before, I pad down the stairs. Never having received a tour of his place, though there's not much to it, I follow the smell of coffee and his voice. I get caught right outside the entrance of the kitchen by a very excited Ginger.

"Good morning, girl! How are you this morning, huh?" I scratch her ears, and she bounces next to me as I enter the kitchen and spot Derick leaning against the counter sipping his coffee.

"Well, there she is." A huge smile takes over his face. "How do you take your coffee?"

"Black, thank you." Grabbing the hot mug from him, I take a sip and close my eyes enjoying the taste and aroma. "You make good coffee! Maybe you can give my secretary a lesson. She's hopeless, and the reason I have a maker in my office."

"I'd rather keep my technique my secret for now, I don't want you leaving me for your secretary." He laughs and winks at me, and I can't help but smile.

"Sorry to disappoint you but she doesn't have what I need, you on the other hand..."

"Hold that thought, because if you say it right now, we may never leave the house today." The mischievous look on his face tells me he wouldn't actually mind the consequences so much. I don't think I would mind either, but if we are going to move anywhere close to a relationship it can't be based solely on sex. Even though, so far, it has been totally amazing sex.

I make the motion of zipping my lips, then locking them and throwing away the key. He mocks a pout as though he's disappointed, but then a shit-eating grin takes over his face, and he laughs.

"Fine. Well, I was thinking maybe we could take a ride up the coast, maybe find a mom and pop place that has seafood, I'm dying for some fresh fried clams."

"That sounds great. There's a great place in Plymouth we could go to, right on the water. Can we stop by my place first so I can change? Then I'm all yours." I hate to say it and chance ruining the mood, but I have to. "Can we get a necessary but slightly uncomfortable conversation out of the way first?"

"Sure, what's up?" He's nervous, and he doesn't want to look at me.

"Work. I just don't know how well an open knowledge of us being together will be received. It's still new for us, so I'd like to—"

"Keep it quiet for now," he says, matter-of-factly.

"Yes, I hope that doesn't offend you. It's not about you at all. I don't share anything personal there and until we know where _this_ is going—"

He walks over and slips his arms around me and places a single finger lightly over my lips. "Stop. It's okay, you don't have to explain. I understand, and as much as I would like to announce that you are indeed off the market, I respect the work/personal relationship. This is, for now, our little secret, just between us." And with that I get a kiss on the nose, which makes me giggle. I can't recall in the last six years when I felt like this, so free and so connected to something other than work.

"So, mom and pop seafood and what else?"

"You and me, and the day before us. Do we need anything more?"

"Absolutely nothing." I don't need nor want anything but him.

Julia

SPENDING TIME WITH DERICK IS so easy, so effortless, so comfortable. It sometimes makes me feel guilty to again have something worth waking up to. For so long, I've been almost robotic, running the same sequence every day with little or no change. Now even when I wake up alone, I'm happy and smiling, ready to see what the day has in store. Though waking up alone is something I seldom do now. I had started out being the strong one, insisting that I stay at my own place at least during the week. I was trying to maintain some level of independence, but I haven't been at my place, any longer than it takes to pack the essentials, in almost a week now. Waking up with his strong arms around me and him whispering in my ear is quickly becoming a necessity. He makes it so easy for me to _need_ him.

It's been four weeks since Derick and I took that step to being more than just professional partners. Twenty-eight days since I let myself go and allowed myself to feel again. I have no regrets, but I'm still holding back, keeping the fragile pieces of my life from him. I don't want him to know I've been broken.

I'm filled with guilt every time he shares a new piece of himself with me. His family sounds like that of a TV sitcom, constantly supportive and ever forgiving. He loves them all so dearly, and I can tell that being so far from them is hard for him.

It's so different from my past. After my father died my family fell apart; we were never again _together_ , our glue was gone. My mother took to drinking and became the town nuisance, and my brother became withdrawn and hateful. That's when I started playing music, it was my coping mechanism. It made me feel like I was taking my raw, angry energy and making something beautiful. I used that same technique again after the accident. In fact as much as I love it, I only feel the need for my music when I feel I've lost control.

The only control I've lost lately is when it comes to my body. After years of slumber all it took was his kiss to wake it up and to keep it hungry. It's part of the reason I don't go home. It's not all about the sex. It's about the contact, both physically and mentally; being able to connect with someone. Wanting to have that connection. It's really a wonder that no one at work has called us out, especially Frank. As agreed, we don't publicize our relationship, but the looks that pass between us sometimes last too long. Anyone paying attention would be suspicious. So, Derick and I have taken to going out to lunch nearly every day. It's the one hour during the day that we don't have to keep our professional guard up. We are sure to behave ourselves only because we never know who may be in our audience, but even that becomes less important to us by the day. Just sitting together and being alone with him for that hour reassures me of what I'm feeling and how much I hate to be without him.

Thursday we agree on a lunch of Chinese takeout in my office. But as I enjoy my mushroom chicken, Derick just sits watching me. I look at him and quirk an eyebrow at him. Setting down my box I give him a questioning look.

"Derick, what's going on?"

"My family's coming here for Thanksgiving. My mother said they can't expect me to take time off work to come back to California. Even in my adulthood we've always spent it together."

"Isn't that good news? You seem to miss them so much." I am happy for him. Even as a grown man I can tell that sometimes the distance is hard for him. I've learned to deal with distance, but it's still new to him.

"It is good news. I can't wait to see them." He takes a deep breath. "I want you to meet them, to spend the holiday with us." His words come out confident and without a hint of question, more of a subtle demand. He has no clue how this scares me.

My last _meeting of the parents_ didn't go well and to be perfectly honest I don't know that I'm ready to do it again, but Derick is becoming something I feel like I can't live without. I don't know that I'm ready for more, and this is such a huge step. I'm lost in what we have right now, and I'm afraid to push too hard, too fast. Does it have to change already?

"I'm not sure I'm ready for that, Derick. Meeting your family is a big step, very big. We haven't been together long. What if they don't like me? What will that do to you and how you feel about me? I don't want them to think I'll do to you the same thing she did to you." I feel like the air is literally being sucked out of me, I can't breathe. Was I ever prepared to spend the holiday with him? The answer is yes, but I had felt comfortable knowing it would just be us.

He comes to my side, turns my chair so that I face him and squats, so we are at eye level. He grabs my hands and squeezes them gently. "Jules, it's okay. Relax, babe. Breathe." I take a couple of deep breaths and look down to avoid his eyes. I'm scared of what I'll find there. So instead I focus on his gentle but strong hands and will myself to keep breathing. Everything about his touch calms me. "If you don't want to, I'm okay with that. Jules, I will never force you to do anything. My past is just that, and my family is going to love you. They'll be able to see how special you are to me, how different you make me. I would love for you to be there with me." And in the privacy of my office he sneaks in a kiss on my nose. It doesn't fail, as it never does, to remind me just how lucky I am to have him and to make me smile.

There's a sense of making this thing between us so official by taking part in a family gathering. Although I have allowed myself to go this far already, taking this next step scares me to death. But I'll do it for him; I'll try for him because he deserves this. I nod and smile at him, "I want to meet them. For you." His eyes light up, and I have a feeling that he's considering blowing our secret to ravish me with kisses, but he settles with one quick soft touch to my lips.

"Thank you." It is a whisper but just the way he says these two words tells me everything he feels. Thankfulness, relief, joy, and love.

Sooner rather than later I'm going to have to be completely honest with him. It's that or risk what I know in my heart is the second chance I never expected. A chance I never even thought I wanted until I met him. I've already surpassed my own limits of how much I wanted to care for this man. I thought that I had set strong boundaries. I thought I could protect myself, but I also never thought I was capable of feeling this much. I have to share myself with him the way he already has with me. I can't hold back my feelings, my past, and my fears and expect him to believe me when I find the courage to say what's in my heart. When I just can't hold it in anymore. When I tell him that I have fallen in love with him.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

Julia is such a strong woman, her command and confidence never faltering. So it amazes me just how soft and vulnerable she can be when it's just the two of us. It's almost like she is two completely different people. In her work, she has complete and utter control, never a moment of second-guessing and absolutely no regrets. But with me she surrenders, trusting me, and relying on me in a way I would've never thought imaginable. No doubt she would not hesitate to counter me if she felt threatened or in a position of disrespect, but she knows I would never do that to her. Her submissiveness confirms that she knows that. Still my mind becomes conflicted when I see her like this. I have to know that it's not me that weakens her but that her confidence in my strength is what makes her capable of trusting me so much.

She's agreed to meet my family. That thought alone has me bursting at the seams. I know that once they meet her they will see why I feel the way I do about her. I called my mother the other night; actually that's when I learned of their decision to come for the holiday. It was so nice to hear my mother's voice and finally being able to tell her what I haven't been able to say to Julia. Having a conversation with my mother has always been easy. I say she worries too much, but she understands me. She supports me, and most of all she trusts me to know what is right for me.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

" _Derick, honey, I have the most exciting news! We are coming to see you for Thanksgiving. All of us." All of us, means my parents, my sister, her husband, and my two-year-old nephew, Issac._

" _You don't have to worry about a thing, your sister and I will cook dinner and you boys can look after Issac. I just can't stand the thought of you spending your first holiday away from home all alone." Her reasons are genuine but my mother also loves to travel, so my location being far from home is a bonus._

" _That'll be great, Mom. It's funny how somehow you've suddenly managed to make me feel like I'm nineteen again. Worried about me being alone, I am thirty-six years old." We both laugh. Her concern for her children has always been a priority, but she is also respectful of the boundaries set._

" _I just worry about you a little bit, you can't fault me for that. You've been through a lot in the last year and then you up and move across the country! You are a grown man, and you are a smart man and I trust your decisions, but that doesn't make me not miss and worry about you."_

" _I miss you too Mom, but I'm happy here. Much happier than I thought I could be. This move is actually the best decision I've ever made." If she could see the smile on my face she'd swear I was the cat that caught the mouse._

" _Is there a secret message in that statement? You know I'm not usually a nosy mother, but you can't make a statement like that and then leave me hanging." I laugh at her excitability. "Derick Allen Edmunds!" Her motherish tone has always made me laugh. My mother had instilled respect in my sister and me, and that was a very good thing because she lacked the ability to scare us with harsh tones and manners of speaking._

" _I can keep it a secret or better yet make you wait 'til I see you." I hear her heavy sigh and know that if I let this linger any longer she may, in fact, explode. "I've met someone here."_

" _You have? I didn't think you would be looking so soon, son." She sounds worried. I don't blame her, she saw what Ann did to me._

" _I wasn't looking, Mom. But I found her anyway, or she found me. I'm not really sure which way it was."_

" _Please forgive me, son, for saying so, but I was there when, well you know. I just don't want to see you go through that again." Her words are laced with motherly concern._

" _She's different. She's like me. She's somehow broken by her past and in need of saving. I feel like I was meant to be here, to meet her."_

" _You love her, don't you?" Of course, I have thought about it. I think about it every night when she falls asleep in my arms and every morning that she wakes up in the same place. Every time I kiss her and every time I make love to her. But saying it aloud takes it from the shelter of my thoughts and leaves me feeling vulnerable._

" _I do." I thought I would feel anxious, but a feeling of relief settles over me. "I love her."_

" _Will we be meeting her then when we come out? She's got to be something, son, because I believe the words you just said. More than I ever believed them when you said them about Ann." I can tell she is tearing up, she always did when she was happy for me._

" _I'll see what I can do. Thank you, Mom."_

" _I'll see you next week. I love you, sweetie."_

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Our evening is quiet, and I can tell Julia is unsettled. I also have an idea that it has everything to do with the conversation we had earlier that day. She snuggles against me on the couch and stares into the fire. She may not be telling me what's going on in her head, but physically she conveys the need for my strength. She may not know it, but she has me wrapped around her finger, and whatever she needs, I want to give her.

"Talk to me, Jules." She snuggles closer but remains staring at the fire.

"About what?"

"About what's going on in that head of yours. You're quiet and distant."

She finally lifts her head to look up at me and kisses the underside of my jaw. "It's nothing."

"For what men know, nothing is always something. I want you to be able to tell me anything. If it bothers you, it bothers me." She isn't like any woman I have ever known. She isn't dependent or weak. When she is ready to tell me, she will. When she needs me, I will be here. But now apparently isn't the time for admissions.

She sits up enough to pull herself to face me and leans in stopping nearly millimeters from my lips, "Don't let it." She closes the distance between us that just seconds ago seemed so far, pressing her lips to mine. This conversation is over, and something more intense is about to ensue.

She repositions herself to straddle my lap, her intentions loud and clear. Her skirt is pulled up her legs so I can see her thighs and only a dainty pair of lace panties between her sex and my slacks. I can feel her heat radiating through them, and my cock is quickly responding. Her kiss is becoming more urgent, and her hands are blindly grabbing at the fabric between us. She needs it gone so that our skin is touching. I'm in total agreement and want nothing between us except the heat we create together. She leaves my lips, and I wait impatiently while she unbuttons my shirt and pushes it open, letting her hands linger on my chest, leaving trails of heat at her touch.

I take her face, raking my hands through her hair pulling her closer to me and she softens, relinquishing the control she had just seconds before. Not breaking the connection she starts to unbutton her blouse leaving her beautiful breasts covered only by the thin lace of her bra. I pull back to look at them, wanting to feel them, wanting to taste them. I pull her blouse gently, seductively, over her shoulders and I hold it with her hands still stuck within the sleeves against her back and pull her closer to me. I feather kisses over the swell of her breast, licking lightly until I find myself at her barely covered nipple. She throws her head back and releases a sigh mixed with a low moan. I feel myself growing harder just by hearing the sounds of her pleasure, her arousal.

I bite gently at her nipple through the lace, and she jolts at the sensation as it travels down to her sex, and I know the fire has officially been lit. I will never get enough of her. What she does to me is an experience in itself that I have never had and never want to end. Switching my grip to hold both her wrists with one hand behind her back, I reach between her legs and am greeted by a wet heat, like liquid fire. She's so ready and wanting. I move the scanty lace panties aside and push my finger inside her, moving my thumb to circle her nub. Her breath catches at the feeling of me inside her. Heightening her senses, I'm pushing all the right buttons. She rocks slightly urging me to continue, and I do. Making her cum is always my first priority because she's always ready for more, and in the end I'm always satisfied.

Sucking on greedy pointed nipples, pushing into her, rolling my thumb over her sensitive clit, I start to feel her tighten and know that my prize is about to be delivered. I pull out of her, but only for a second, quickly returning with two fingers that make her moan louder as they slip inside her. As I withdraw each stroke, I curve my fingertips to rake against the spot inside her that will undo her completely. She starts breathing heavier, no longer able to control the sounds that escape her. "Yes," "Oh, Derick," and even a cry that sounds as if it's lost midway between pain and pleasure. Then I feel it—the tightness and the stream of her juices as she pulses around my fingers. Still inside her I wiggle my fingers knowing that I can milk her for as long as I want too, and she will continue to respond. I want to keep her wanting more of me.

I finally reach the point where I can't wait another minute, and now I'm the greedy one. I need to feel her around me. I need our bodies to become one and for us to find release together. I release her hands and unfasten my pants to release my hard throbbing cock. I pull her back to me so that she is positioned over me, the head of my shaft teasing her opening. She coats it with the evidence of her climax from mere moments before. She's still wearing her bra and skirt, which makes her look like she has in so many of my fantasies. Naked, she is absolutely gorgeous, but there's something so much more erotic about her skirt hiked up to her thighs while she rides me. Like neither of us can wait even one more minute.

Grabbing her hips and pulling her down, I lose myself as I slide into her. It never feels the same but it's always familiar, and it's right. Her body was made for me, to fit mine exactly. I want to cum so badly already, but I don't want this to be over so quickly, not so soon. Gripping her hips, I set the pace to long, smooth strokes. These are the ones that allow me to go long and just enjoy the feeling of her around me. Eventually, I will become impatient for release but right now I want to savor what this beautiful woman does to me.

Her moans are low and her bottom lip between her teeth, an absolute vision of perfection. When I just can't last any longer, I reach down between us, it's time to change it up. I want to feel her cum around me as much as I want to fill her with my cum. I thumb her hard nub, finding the exact spot that will make her pant and scream. She controls her movements now, changing the pace to fast and shallow. She tightens around me and sends my body spinning into overdrive. My body is no longer in my control, and it's completely overcome with lust, love, and the need to claim her. Our bodies are slamming together as we both reach our climax, and we both share a gift and a reward. She cries out my name, mine. She has no idea how much more that intensifies all aspects of my feelings for her. She melts in exhaustion, her hands on my chest, her head in the hollow of my neck. I squeeze her closer to me and kiss the top of her head. No matter what, I will never let her go. She's mine.

Julia

I AWAKE THIS MORNING TO three white roses on Derick's otherwise empty pillow and the smell of coffee from the mug on the nightstand. He spoils me. I've found that I tend to pout a little when I wake up, and he's not there, but he always leaves a sweet nothing behind to assure that my pout quickly turns into a smile. Thoughts of him and anywhere he's been or touched always have that effect on me. He makes me feel silly, like a young girl in love.

Even though it's freezing outside, he loves his morning runs though he says he only has the strength to leave me alone in bed a couple of times a week. But the cold clears his mind and gets him to focus on the tasks of the day. Another one of those things that is _better than coffee_. Unlucky for me, it does anything but clear my mind, it turns me on something fierce. Just thinking about how sexy he looks when he gets back and is all sweaty and out of breath. Wow!

I roll over to breathe in the fragrance of the roses, so fresh and aromatic. I lay my head on his pillow loving that he had been there only a short while ago. I really have missed feeling loved. I thought I had taught myself that I didn't need it, that I wouldn't find it again, and that I was okay with it. But he's made me realize that without it, I wasn't happy. I do need it, and I do want it, and he helped me find it again.

I reach for my coffee and check the time on the clock. Seven eighteen, he'll be back any minute. Shall I wait for him in bed or head into the shower and persuade him to join me? The choice almost seems unfair, as both would be equally rewarding. But the idea of warm water and his body all slick wins out. I get up and run to the bathroom to turn on the shower, letting the heat steam up the room I get in, to hurry and wash my hair and do a quick shave before he comes in. I hear the click of the door opening and another of it closing. But I act like I don't hear it and keep to the chore at hand.

"Sure is hot in here."

"It is now that you're here."

"Oh, but you are wrong. You bring the heat to this relationship." I can see him shuffling through the fogged glass door and know that persuasion will not be needed this morning, as if it ever is. Then the door opens, and his glorious naked body is before me. Damn! Will I ever see him and not want him? "You are by far the hottest, sexiest—" he leans in to kiss my shoulder and runs his tongue up the side of my neck, "—woman I've ever known."

I have no necessary response so I do what any woman with a beautiful man in her shower would do. I ensure that we both will have an incredible start to our day.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I sit at my desk prioritizing the work that needs to be done by this Wednesday. I've never taken a holiday off, not in the time I've been here anyway. I also haven't celebrated a holiday since I've been here, not one. Part of the reason I am where I am is because of this fact. Those with no life outside of work tend to dedicate more time to their work and eventually there is no time for anything but work. That was me, and it feels odd to be abandoning this familiar behavior.

I am still very nervous about all of this. I want to do this for Derick because it's important to him. I wish that alone was enough to take away all my uncertainty. Meeting his family, I know I will love them. If they are anything like him, it's not a question of if and when, but how much. I'm not so sure of how they will take me. The last person in a parental role that approved of me was my father. My luck since then has not been so good. I don't think I'm a bad person, and I never really understood. I can deal with the rejection on a personal level, but I can't make Derick choose, not like Alex did. Maybe that's part of the reason I don't have him now. I was selfish and let him chose me over his family and because of that I was never going to be allowed to keep him forever. I won't let it happen like that again.

"It's going to be fine, Jules." I instantly smile at my use of Derick's name for me. "Breathe in, breathe out. It's going to be okay."

About halfway through my pile of work there's a knock on my door. It's ajar, so it opens a little more at my visitor's knocking. Frank pushes it the rest of the way open and walks in, closing the door behind him. What's this about?

"Why come on in, Frank, have a seat, would you like some coffee?" He looks at me with wide eyes, and I can't help but to laugh out loud. His expression changes to one of curiosity and he walks around to sit in front of my desk.

"Yes, a cup of coffee would be great." I go to the table in the corner, pour his cup, and return to my chair reaching across to set the cup within his reach.

"So, what's up, Frank? And why are you looking at me like that?"

"Something's different about you. Don't get me wrong; it's a good different. You seem happy, happier than I've seen you in a long while. To what or whom do I owe credit for this pleasant change?"

I start laughing, "God, Frank, you act like I've been completely miserable and horrible to be around."

"Not at all. You've been content, but never really happy. I've known you a long time, Julia, I'm just happy for whatever has come along to change that."

"For years you tried to convince me that I needed to move on, to live again. I promised you that you would be the first to know when I made the decision to do that." He nods at me to go on. "I think I have. I've found someone, or he found me, I'm not sure, but I think I'm falling for him."

He raises his eyebrows, and a smile spreads across his face. "I've noticed fewer early mornings and even fewer late nights for you lately. I suspected and waited patiently for you to fill me in, I just can't wait any longer. Where did you meet this lucky someone?"

"It's Derick!" I just blurt it out, like having it inside for so long has been killing me.

"Uh-hm. I've actually suspected for a while now."

"You suspecting, doesn't surprise me but has it been that obvious? Do you think the rest of the office is talking?" Have I failed at keeping this romance a secret?

"I have worked with you a long time, Julia. I've seen you at your worst. I've seen you cope, and I've seen you go through the motions of surviving. But I've never seen you truly alive, not until recently. To me it's obvious because I care about you, as more than a colleague, you're a dear friend. I think you've managed to keep the others in the dark, but you have been easier to work with lately. Maybe Derick is making you a little soft?" The astonished look I give him sends him into a fit of laughter.

"I am not soft!" He laughs harder, and I join him. It's not our secret anymore. It feels good to share this with him because he's always worried about me, like a big brother. In a strange way, he's the only family I've had for almost six years.

"So, I would assume that an invitation to spend another Thanksgiving with me, that coincidentally has never been accepted, won't be necessary this year?"

"No, actually, Derick asked me to spend it with him and his family." I know he can hear it in my voice, my uneasiness.

"It'll be fine. It's been a long time since you've faced these things though they never ceased to exist for everyone else around you. I'm sure Derick knows that this will be hard for you and—"

"No, he doesn't. He doesn't know anything." I say, cutting him off.

"What! You haven't told him?"

"No! I'm not ready and don't want him to pity me, to see me as anything less than how he sees me now."

"You are playing with fire, Julia. I understand it's not the first topic of conversation but it's an important part of your life and who you are. This is not a secret you can keep and still expect to have a healthy relationship!"

"I know this! I'm. Not. Ready."

"Not ready to let go or not ready to move on? Because even though you'll never completely let go, you have to, to some extent, or you'll never really be able to move on."

"I know. Everything you are saying, I know."

"Do you love him, Julia?"

"I do." I know a smile shines in my eyes as it does every time I think of him.

"Then don't make this decision for him. If he loves you, your past won't change that. But if you continue to hold it back from him, your lack of trust in him just might."

Frank has always known what to say, how to make me understand. Several times I wished that he was the one my heart wanted because that would be so easy. But I treasure the relationship we have and realize that I need him to be exactly what he is, my friend. He's definitely given me something to think about. Losing my husband and my children all those years ago was not my choice or my fault. But to take a chance at losing Derick because I can't be honest with him will be all of the above. I punished myself for years the first time, without warrant. Can I ever forgive myself a second time? The answer is easy. No.

I stayed at my place last night and plan to stay there for the next couple of nights since I will be at Derick's through the long weekend. I need to take this time to gather my thoughts and my strength to come clean. Maybe a session with Dr. Sylva can help me organize my scattered thoughts. I pick up the phone to dial her office when another knock rattles my door. I hang up the phone and resolve to call next chance I get.

"Come in!"

Derick walks in, closes the door and sits in front of me. He just looks at me for a minute, very inquisitively. Finally, he breaks the silence. "Have you changed your mind yet?"

"About what exactly?" I laugh but only because I'm nervous. Where's this going?

"Meeting my family, Thanksgiving, and staying at your place tonight. Just to name a few." The first two were mentioned jokingly, the last a little more serious.

"No, no, and almost but no. I have a few things to get done before I'm swept off to Edmunds land for the weekend. Besides I've been there for a week, you need a break from me."

"I do not need a break from you and the fact that you have been there for a week makes it harder to have you gone." His statement is sincere. It is going to be hard for me too, being away from him. I've almost forgotten how I've made it all these years alone.

"You'll be just fine, I promise. Anyway, Ginger will be happy to have you to herself for a couple of days."

"I'll miss you there, that's all. But I'll be the man you think I am, and I'll survive the two nights without you. Then I'll spend Thanksgiving eve night showing you just how thankful I am to have you back." He started off with a pouty, pitiful look on his face, but it gives way to a mischievous, sexy smile I've become very fond of.

"I'll miss you too, I will. Two nights, that's all. I promise." He smiles, and it melts my heart. There's no doubt he really will miss me. "On a totally different topic and I hope you're okay with this. I told Frank about us."

"Really?" I can tell this pleases him.

"He's always invited me over for the holiday. I always decline but felt that telling him I was spending it with you was a good way to not only decline, yet again, but to also break the news to him about us."

"So, we are one step closer to being out." This makes him happy, and his smile shines in his eyes. "He's okay with it? It's not going to be a problem?"

I shake my head. "Because neither of us is subordinate to the other, it's frowned upon but not banned. Don't worry, _you_ won't have to find a new job." I start giggling because the look on his face is absolutely priceless. "Hey! As I do recall, you offered to find a new job if that's what it took to be with me. Your words, not mine."

With his hands in the air, as a sign of surrender, he says, "That I did, and for you I still would."

Derick

IT'S ONLY TUESDAY, AND I don't like waking up without her here in my bed with me any more than I did yesterday. One more night before I have her back where she belongs; it's entirely possible I may not survive. But having it to look forward to keeps me going. It was so bad I sent her roses last night. Six roses, to let her know I missed her. I feel like I've totally gone over the deep end with this woman. I just never imagined I could need someone so much, I feel like a part of me is missing when we're apart. At one point, I wanted my life with Ann. Wanted, not needed. I now know the difference. I wanted the dream life, the house, and I wanted kids. I thought if I wanted it badly enough I could make it happen. In the end, I got none of it, but I didn't _need_ any of it with her. I need Julia, and I need all these things _with_ her. Any home we have, any kids we have, any life we make together will fulfill any dream I've ever had. It's as simple as being with her. She leans on me for strength, but if she only knew how weak she makes me she'd realize she's my strength.

We haven't been together long, but it's been long enough for me to know that she is all I'll ever need. I want to marry her, have babies with her, love her and care for her for the rest of her life. The only problem is that I can't always tell if she wants the same things. She never talks about wanting a family or the future, hell I know next to nothing about her past. I never push for any of those answers because I'm afraid to push her away. Besides, we are now, and the past is just that.

We had lunch together today as we always do, an hour that passed way too fast. She was distant and quiet. When I asked her what was bothering her, she answered in true female fashion: "I'm fine." So like I always tend to do, I let her keep it in, afraid to push. She did tell me she had missed me, though.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

" _Sleeping alone just doesn't feel right anymore. I missed you next to me." If she only knew what those words did to me._

" _You can change that you know." Hope pulsed through my veins at the chance that she would change her mind._

" _Tempting, but I made an appointment after work tonight. Besides your family comes in tonight, right? I'm sure you all have catching up to do. One more night won't kill either of us." It might not kill me, but it's torture all the same._

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My family does come in tonight; in fact, they'll land in about an hour so I'll have a distraction for most of the evening. I can't wait to tell them about her and to announce that very soon I intend to ask her to be my wife. I spent ten years of my life with the wrong person, and I just can't stand the thought of spending any more time without the right one, especially now that I've found her. The thought of asking her doesn't even make me nervous, what does is her reaction. I know what I want, I know that I want her. I can't live without her. To ask a question like this without being sure of the answer is dangerous, but I have to.

Thankfully my family has made reservations at a hotel close by so tomorrow night will be all about the two of us, making up for lost days. I can easily bring relief to myself just thinking about her. The way her breasts respond to my mouth. How she's always so wet and greedy for me. How her body fits around me, how she squeezes my cock and screams my name when she cums. God! Just these thoughts of her bring on a raging hard-on. I unfasten and draw down my zipper and free myself. In no way does my hand feel as good as she does but tough times call for drastic measures. I start to pump myself keeping visions of her playing in my mind. My God, even when she's not here she has such a power over my body that I have never felt before.

I'm getting close to release when I hear the doorbell and Ginger starts barking. Damn it! What fucking timing! I shove my still semi-hard member back into my pants and fasten them back up. Running down the stairs I yell to acknowledge my intruders while stopping to quickly wash my hands. Still drying them off I open the door surprised to see my mom and dad.

"Derick, honey! Let us in, it's freezing out here."

"I wasn't expecting you guys for at least another hour."

"I know, we caught an earlier flight, we wanted to surprise you!" My mother's expression is so giddy, knowing she succeeded, if she only knew. She grabs both sides of my face and gives me one of those mom kisses and a hug that could strangle a small child. If I ever plan to get out of this death grip, I'll have to play along, so I hug her back just as hard.

My father, on the other hand, greets me with a firm handshake, a brief hug, and a pat on the back. Our family has always been affectionate towards each other, which I think contributes to how close we all are. No matter how old we are, a hug and a kiss from our mother is always welcome.

"Oh, honey, you haven't changed a bit." My mother grabs both my hands and stands back to look at me. "But if I do say so myself you look happier, the East Coast agrees with you."

"With the exception of missing you guys, not being so close to the life that left me in ruin agrees with me. I needed a fresh start, and Boston gave it to me."

"Julia?" My mother doesn't waste any time, and I know I'm wearing one of those _busted_ smiles right now. She looks around the house in search for anything indicating that Jules is here. "Is she here? When will we meet her? I can't wait!"

"You'll meet her tomorrow evening. She has an appointment tonight and wanted me to have time to catch up with you." The look of disappointment on my mother's face is evident. She wants to meet the woman that has changed my life because my happiness means everything to her. "I was going to cook but since you are here earlier than expected, I didn't make it to the market. I guess we are going out for dinner. What sounds good?"

"Anything! I'm starved and in need of a glass of wine."

"What hotel are you staying at?"

"Boston Park Plaza."

"Great! That's not far at all and has a very good restaurant. Let me feed Ginger and I'll be ready to go."

"Are you sure Julia can't join us? We can wait 'til she's available..." Her voice trails off suggestively.

"Tomorrow, Mom. Tonight you'll just have to settle for letting me tell you all about her and tomorrow you can fall in love with her for yourself." She gives me a smile of admiration as if she knows there is absolutely no doubt she will.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia

As always, my appointments with Dr. Sylva are after normal business hours. So I pull up to the office, park, and take the stairs to her suite. As usual I let myself in. I can hear her talking, so I wait outside the door to give her privacy, but it's open and she sees me and waves me in. I sit on the couch and start a mental inventory of the things I need to get off my chest. Derick, the parents, the fact that I'm selfish and can't possibly let myself be what this wonderful man settles for because I can't give him the things he'll want. The last couple of nights alone haven't given me the strength to come clean. They've only given me the time to come up with all the reasons I can't stay.

She hangs up the phone and turns to me. "Julia. Sorry about that."

"For what? Here I am interrupting your evening again."

"You're hardly an interruption. Although I offer you professional advice, our little talks are like two old friends catching up. What has me intrigued is the fact that we've rarely talked for the last couple of years and here we are twice in two months. Tell me what's going on."

"Well for the last two years I maintained my uneventful and simple existence. And a month and a half ago that all changed and now my simple existence has turned into one that is just not so simple."

"The man, the one you were interested in? What happened with him?"

"We are seeing each other. My interest in him was returned, and he is completely amazing."

"This amazing man has accepted you and you are getting another chance at life and love. You were scared to want that but decided you did _want_ it. So what has you so conflicted about him?"

"He doesn't conflict me—I do!" I stand and start pacing as I rattle off every fear I've kept trapped inside my head all this time. "I haven't told him about Alex or the kids because I don't want him to see me as any more fragile than he already thinks I am. With him, I don't have to be strong, and I like that, I love that. I'm meeting his parents tomorrow, and I'm scared shitless that they will hate me as much as Alex's did and if that happens I'll lose him because I'll have to walk away. I don't want to because I'm selfish, but thinking back now I was selfish with Alex too, and that has to be why he was ripped from me. It took falling in love with Derick to realize that, and I won't do that again. I will give him up and return to my simple loveless existence before I will have someone else ripped from me. And really, giving him up is the best and only thing to do anyway. I can't give him what he deserves: I can't give him children. That's a roadblock I'm afraid I'll never get through. Especially if his parents do like me, children are bound to be an expectation. But I love him, and I don't know if I can ever go back to the life I had before him." When I finally stop and look at Dr. Sylva, I see that she's listening intently with a small smile on her face.

"In all these years, I've never heard you open up like that. Now let me switch from doctor mode to friend mode because what I'm about to say isn't going to sound professional at all. Now, I want to make sure I've got this straight. You love this man, but you haven't shared your most personal tragic experience with him? So you have no clue how he will react, if his reaction will even match what your imagination has concocted. You love him, but you won't give him a real chance, let alone give yourself a real chance at a future. You've already decided for both of you that this will end because of your fears?"

I don't need to answer her because we both know she was right. I won't even meet her eyes.

She lets out an exasperated sigh, "Well, Julia, I'm here to help you work through your feelings, maybe even help you to understand them. But you are the decision maker, and I must say that it seems to me, that you have already made your decision. Why even stick around to meet his family if your plan is to walk away anyway? As a friend, I think you are very close to fucking up one of the best things that has ever happened to you. You know it's not really ever about being given a second chance, it's about being willing to take it."

She's right, I'm not pretending not to know this and I've always respected her advice, but something inside me snaps at what she's just said.

"Well, thanks for joining the _Julia's fucking up the best thing she's ever had club_ because you're not the first to tell me that. I know I am, but I just can't see how this is going to work out!"

I walk out the door without another word. I don't know how to change the way I feel. Apparently, I'm not willing to take the chance I've been given. I have to let the one I love go.

Derick

I INSIST WE LEAVE JULES' car at her place for the weekend. As it is, anywhere we go we would be going together, and I assume street space will be hard to come by during the holiday. So I follow her home so she can gather what she needs for the weekend.

On the drive over all I can think about is the weekend before us. It's our first holiday together and she'll be meeting my family. A mass of thoughts and feelings are rushing through me. Happiness, possessiveness, and the need to put a stop to this feeling of emptiness every time I'm away from her. Which as far as I'm concerned is to stop being away from her. Forever.

Last night over dinner it didn't take much to convince my parents that what I feel for Julia is love and that I am, in fact, head over heels in love with her. My mother told me that she saw the same look in my eyes, when I so much as mentioned Julia, as my father has in his every time he looks at her. According to her, Edmunds men can't fake nor hide what they feel in their hearts. I told them of my intentions to ask Julia to be my wife, which my mother had already predicted because she brought me something very special just for the occasion.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

" _I want you to have this, Derick. It was Grandma Edmunds' ring. She gave it to me with specific instructions that it be given to you, and you would give it to your wife. I knew Ann was not the woman to cherish such a priceless symbol of the love that our family shares, so I kept it knowing that one day it would have a worthy recipient. I don't need to meet Julia to know she's the one. It's you, the way you talk about her, and the way she makes you feel. That tells me all I need to know."_

I look at the ring, and I immediately understand what it means. I can already see it on her finger and know that's exactly where it belongs. I close the box and put it in my pocket knowing the next time I open that box will be when I ask Julia to be mine forever.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia, of course, parks in her spot, and I leave my car out in front on the street for an easy escape. Entering Julia's building, I wave at the desk and make my way to the elevator. Julia left her door cracked open for me to let myself in. I can hear her in her room and make my way down the hall. As soon as I see her I am completely unable to control the animal in me that hasn't had the pleasure of her in three nights. I walk over and take whatever she holds in her hands and toss it on the bed. I take her face in my hands and press my lips to hers, hard and fierce, full of pent-up need desperately seeking release.

I walk her backward 'til she's against the wall, and I have complete control. Releasing her face, I grab her hands and hold them above her head. Her breathing is heavy and aroused.

"Tell me you missed me." An order, I need to hear it. Now.

"I missed you."

"Tell me you missed this, us." I press myself against her so she can feel my hardness and know how much I needed her.

"I missed us."

I reach down with one hand to raise her skirt, sliding my hands between her legs to feel her heat, knowing she is ready. She definitely missed what I'm able to do to her.

"Keep your hands there when I let go, understand?" She nods.

I remove her panties, pulling them slowly down her legs, lightly raking her skin with my fingertips as I go. She steps out of them, hands still above her head.

"That's my girl." I can tell she's about to come undone, it won't take either of us long after fasting for three days.

I unfasten my pants and free my pulsing erection. God, what she does to me. I press myself against her and lift one of her legs to my hip, giving me the access I need. The second I'm inside her everything feels right again. This is where we belong. She's mine, and we're together now. I can never allow this again. I will never spend another day without her, I swear.

I pump in and out of her, kissing her hard and without reserve. Her pleasure is just as evident as mine. I would like nothing more than to stay here and make love to her, to reclaim her body over and over again, but my body has other ideas. Mark her, fill her, and remind her: She. Belongs. To. Me.

I feel her tighten, and her leg goes tight in my hand. I want to cum with her, together hitting the most euphoric place possible. She pulses around me, and I let go with quick, short movements. Slamming into her over and over until I'm empty, and she goes almost limp in my arms. Her arms finally fall over my head to rest around my neck and her head into the crook of it. I feel her kisses on my skin. She's thanking me without words. I let go of her leg and hug her as close as I can, finding it not nearly close enough. I kiss the top of her head and breathe in her scent. I am completely and utterly in love with this woman. She's mine.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia

I'm in so much deeper than I wanted to think. The pain of being without him these last few nights is brought to light as I hold him and kiss him. I absolutely hate the fact that I know this can't last, that every moment is numbered, and the longer I'm with him will make it hurt that much more when I set him free. But I hold him anyway, not wanting to let go. I want this weekend to be great for him because I know how much spending this time with his family means to him, and he wants me there. What he wants is so simple, I have to do that much before I walk out of his life. So for the next four days I want to pretend that life is perfect again, take a hiatus from my reality that is inevitable.

Walking into his place, I'm greeted by Ms. Ginger, as I've taken to calling her. She appears to have missed me too, and it's comforting to feel so much love. I run my things upstairs, and before I even turn at the top of the stairs into Derick's room, I smell them. I walk over to see roses lying on the bed. They are laid out in the shape of a heart, and there's a note in the middle.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

" _Welcome back to where you belong. D"_

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Altogether there are twenty-four. I want to cry, but I feel his arms tighten around me from behind. I was so caught up that I didn't even hear him approach. He says nothing but nuzzles his face in my neck and kisses it softly. I place my hands over his and squeeze gently, leaning my neck to the side to give him more access. He continues to kiss me but then lets out a low, frustrated growl.

"You don't really want to meet them all tonight do you?"

"What? What are you talking about? I thought—"

"I just got you back. I'm not sure I want to share you just yet. Even with them."

"You're being silly. You're not going to blow off your family for me. I won't let you. In this life, you get too little time to waste it." Starting to feel the sadness, the reality of my statement, I wiggle to turn in his arms until I'm facing him and put my arms around his neck and kiss him quickly on the lips. "We have all weekend and the nights are all ours."

In a whisper, he says the words that may possibly break down the walls around my heart. "Not one second of my life with you would I consider a waste." Then he returns my kiss but harder and with a passion I have missed over these days and can never mistake for anything but love. I am so stupid to have let myself fall in love, but allowing him to fall in love with me was reckless.

From downstairs, we hear Ginger start barking. Breaking our kiss, Derick takes my hands in his and smiles. "Are you ready to meet Mr. and Mrs. Edmunds?"

Julia

I LIE AWAKE, MY BODY held close to Derick's as he sleeps. My mind repeats every detail of the last few hours and for me it's like watching a preview of what our life could be like at every gathering. What real families do, how they act with each other, how much love you can feel in one room. The evening couldn't have gone any better. Derick's family was amazing, he's a true reflection of them. This fact shatters me when I think of what they will all think of me if I break his heart. I feel like it's no longer just about Derick and me, more hearts have been added now and more may be left hurt. I should go now and save us all, but once again I'm selfish, I want to feel like part of this amazing family while I can. I keep telling myself I'm doing this for him, but that's not all true. I have forgotten what a family felt like and I want to bask in that feeling just a little longer before it's gone again.

Liz and Allen are perfect. From the very moment I met them both they embraced me, making me feel like I'd known them for years. It took no time for Liz to grill me on my cooking abilities, quickly deciding what tasks for tomorrow's meal will be mine. I'm excited to share this with them. This will be an experience I've never had, sharing a kitchen with the girls.

I also got to meet Derick's sister Carrie and her husband Tim, along with Issac, their sweet little boy. Carrie is a couple of years younger than Derick, and you can tell he is very protective of his little sister. Issac, who is the cutest thing ever, is said to be in his terrible twos. It's funny to me that I see it a little differently now than I did when I had the twins going through the same phase. Looking back now it wasn't terrible at all, but that's because I have a very different perspective now. Issac took to me quickly and was my little buddy for most of the evening. It's so easy with Issac. He's not curious about my past, and he won't remember me after I've gone. I won't break his heart.

Derick's chest rises below me as he takes a deep breath, and his arm tightens around me as that very thought goes through my mind. Does he feel what I think? Can he sense my intentions? Have I made a huge mistake in thinking I can take this time, make these memories to hold on to, and then just let go? I know how we both feel about each other, it's obvious on both sides. I know I'm going hurt him, and at the same time I'll be hurting myself. But eventually he will go on to find the one that is truly right for him, that can give him everything he wants. God, the thought of that nearly takes my breath away, and I feel myself pressing closer to him. I, on the other hand, will continue to exist like I have done for the last six years, but I will never let another man in.

Four days. That's all we have, and I don't want to think about what is beyond right now. I focus on his breathing and force mine to sync with his. This makes me feel like I'm one with him, and that comforting thought is the last I will have tonight.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

At five o'clock the alarm sounds and I reach across Derick to turn it off. He, of course, sees this as a perfect opportunity to smack my ass causing me to jump. He laughs, and I push off him and back to my side of the bed.

"And what exactly is so funny about that?" I try to sound mad, but this morning's banter is uplifting.

"Sometimes humor is in the surprise factor. You thought I was sleeping, when really, I was waiting." He lifts his eyebrows as though sexiness will gain him pardon.

"I'll have to remember that next time. Now, to gain my forgiveness, you get to help me cook." I start to sit up off the bed but feel his hands grabbing my waist, holding me back. "Come on, funny boy, it's time to get up."

"I had other ideas for starting the Thanksgiving holiday in mind. I do have a lot to be thankful for this year. Isn't arousing the chef the first step of your recipe? If so, I'll be glad to help."

I turn and move close enough to kiss his chest as though I'm giving into his idea. "It's not, but I'll tell you what, if you're a good helper I'll gladly give in to you and your ideas. But right now, it's time to get up and get moving or you'll have no time for said ideas before everyone shows up." I land a quick kiss on his lips and bounce out of the bed before he can move to hold me there again. "Ha! Come on. Get up! I'll need your muscles for getting that bird in the oven."

I walk quickly and teasingly into the bathroom. I twist my hair up into a knot on top of my head, and throw on a pair of sweatpants and a loose T-shirt. My reflection in the mirror shows a smitten woman. I haven't seen her in years. She looks happy and not just with her career and her ability to make it through each day. She's truly happy, she's in love with a wonderful man, and there's no way she's going to walk away.

"I'm going to go down and start the coffee," Derick calls from the room.

"Okay, I'll be down in a minute."

I look back at my reflection and every thought I've had about giving him up has just been overridden by the _me_ I see in the mirror. It's a decision that's made just as quickly as its predecessor. He makes me happy, he's brought me back to life, and he obviously wants me. I'm not giving that up for the world. I was programmed to leave, but I can't. I love him, and I'll deal with all the things that need to be done and said. I'll cope with the fears I have, and I know I'll be able to because I'll have him.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

God, I love this woman, she won't take my shit. Jules just has a way about her that I adore. She's soft and surrenders to me when we make love, but she's strong when there is work to be done. She is the perfect combination of dominant and submissive, in exactly the right places, at exactly the right times.

I want nothing more than to get whatever needs to be done in this kitchen out of the way so that I can take her back upstairs and show her how thankful I am to have her. I hear her coming down the stairs just as I am pouring her coffee.

"Mmmm, that smells wonderful. Thank you so much." She gives me a quick kiss and picks up her mug.

"Okay, boss, what's the plan?"

The tension that she hid well, but I noticed from last night is gone, and we work alongside each other just like when we're at the office but without the need for professionalism. It's a comfortable pairing, like we've been doing this for years. We play back and forth making a mess of each other. I've never felt so much like I was in the right place at the right time and with the right person.

I've never had so much fun cooking with someone, even while my mind is clouded with all the other things I want to do with her. But we manage and according to Jules, we are right on schedule. As promised, when our work is done she gives me the cue that it is my turn. She comes up to me and presses herself against me so that there's no space between us.

"Well co-chef, you've been very helpful. Earlier you had mentioned some ideas you'd had. Well, I didn't want to mention it before because I knew you'd be nothing but distracted. Arousing the chef wasn't the first step on my recipe but it would make a great finish."

The moment I've waited for is here. I press my lips to hers and lift her up into my arms. Her legs instinctively wrap around my waist and her arms around my neck. It's true that nearly every moment of every day I'm waiting to make love to this woman, and this day is no different. So, without missing a beat, I make my way up the stairs. I definitely don't want our amazing recipes to go unfinished.

Julia

AS THE SMELLS START TO fill the house, I stop to think for just a moment what this day means. I've spent it alone for so long, feeling that I had absolutely nothing to be thankful for but this year is different. Not only do I now have someone that makes me so happy, but I'd like to think that today is the beginning of my new life. It's time to stop dwelling on the past, because it won't change, and start believing in my future. It's amazing really. Yesterday I thought I would be able to walk away, in an effort, to protect myself and to give Derick his chance to have it all. Maybe the thought of Derick going on without me flipped a switch. Maybe jealousy made me realize that selfish or not, I can't let go of him. He's _my_ second chance and maybe, I'm his. This means I have to be honest with him, so he knows who I really am and that what appears to be a strong-minded woman is really nothing more than an organized mess. One that's self-taught and well experienced.

It's around eleven when I hear the door and our fearless guard dog announcing that Derick's family is finally arriving. I volunteered to do all the early cooking so that Liz and Carrie could sleep in, but there is still much to do, and I am looking forward to us girls doing it together. I don't have girlfriends and given that I was never close with Alex's family, or mine, this is a big first for me.

"Good morning! Happy Thanksgiving!" Carrie, I've decided, is definitely a morning person, even with the time change. "Julia, someone has been asking for you all morning," she says in a sing-song voice. "I think he's having his first crush." She winks at Derick as if to say "You've got competition buddy."

Before I know it, Issac comes around the corner. "Ju! Ju!" He runs towards me smiling and hugs my leg, giggling.

I pick him up and kiss him all over his face. "How's my little buddy today? Are you going to help us cook today?" He answers with a nod then wiggles to get put down because his attention has been stolen by Ginger. Once on the ground he's on an unstoppable mission. "He's so adorable." He reminds me of Toby.

"Are you sure you don't have kids?" Carrie says this in a playful manner; it's an innocent question. I just smile. "He likes you more after one night than his daycare teacher after a year. You're really great with him."

"No. No, kids." I grab my apron and busy myself with tying it and smoothing it down. I have to change this subject and quick! I can't even think of going there today. "So where do we start? The turkey went in on time and looks pretty happy in there if I do say so myself. We have the potatoes peeled, bread toasted for stuffing, a salad made, and pies are in the fridge."

"Wow! You got all _that_ done this morning? Are you superwoman?" Carrie asks a little surprised.

"Well, she had a helper." Derick says as he walks up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist.

" _You_ helped? Right! She's superwoman, she must be."

"Yes. I did help. Tell her Jules. Tell her how you enslaved me this morning."

"He was a gracious helper. I wouldn't have gotten it all done without him."

"See!" Derick says and proceeds to stick his tongue out at Carrie like a five-year-old. I can only imagine what these two were like as children.

She smacks his arm, "Not in front of Issac! He copies everything right now, Uncle Derick." Then she checks to make sure Issac isn't watching and sticks hers out at him. I start laughing. Never having had a close relationship with my brother as an adult, I never realized how much fun it could be to still behave like children together. These two have it down pat.

Liz walks into the room arms loaded with a couple of bags and sets them on the counter. "Derick, honey, your father and Tim have the game on. Go on and watch with them. We girls have work to do."

Derick releases me and turns me around for a quick kiss, then while hugging me he whispers, "Don't believe anything they say." I giggle because there's a fair chance I'll learn a thing or two about young Derick hanging out with his mom and sister. He gives his sister and mom a squinted eye and points to one and then the other. "Be kind, you two."

"Julia is perfectly safe with us. Now you just go!" His mother tells him, shooing him towards the living room.

"I'm not worried about her, she can hold her own. I meant be kind to _me_ while you're telling Jules here all my embarrassing stories."

"Go!" Liz shoos him out again. When he's out of sight, she digs into one of the bags she carried in earlier. "Julia, we women have our very own honored traditions when it comes to Edmunds' family holiday meals. One, the men stay out of our kitchen. Two, we drink while we cook!" She pulls out not one, but two bottles of wine and holds them up while sporting an eye-squinting smile.

I laugh, and Carrie holds her hand up for a high-five. "Our version of cooking wine!" Laughter erupts from all of us. Carrie hooks her phone up to the docking station on the wall, and music now fills the kitchen as well. Liz pulls down three glasses, opens the first bottle and pours. She then hands a glass to Carrie and me.

"Here's to creating a wonderful meal together, ladies, and spending quality time getting to know each other. Julia, welcome to our family!" She holds her glass up, and Carrie and I do the same, clinking them together.

Keeping my secrets is going to get a lot harder. Derick has been patient though he must know there's more to me than I've allowed him to see. Mothers, on the other hand, have a special talent and relentless drive when it comes to digging deeper and getting the whole story, especially when their child's heart is at stake. I silently pray, "Please go easy on me, Mrs. Edmunds." For me, this is where the wine may definitely help.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

It would appear that my mother, sister, and Jules are having a great time together. Granted they are probably all half tanked right now, but the smells and sounds coming from the kitchen are amazing. Every once in a while I strain to see if I can hear what they are saying but with the game on, all I get are fits of laughter every few minutes. Yup, they're tanked, but it sounds like it's going well.

I asked my mother not to pry, but she knows that Jules' silence about her past bothers me a little. Mom actually mentioned that she could tell that Julia was holding something back. Her intuition tells her that it's nothing more than something from her past that's painful and that one day she'll let me in. My mother will no doubt ask questions but she'll know when to stop. She's very good at reading people so I know she won't push too far. Not all of life's mysteries need to be unveiled today, there's plenty of time for that. I just want to enjoy this day with Jules and my family. The first, but definitely not the last we'll all spend together. I don't plan on spending another day without her, ever.

My mother finally emerges from the kitchen to call on my father to carve the turkey. My father, over the years, has turned this task into an art form. I've watched him at least thirty-five times knowing that one day that honor would be passed on to me. I had no idea today would be that day.

"I think since this is the first dinner in Derick's home that he should be the one to carve the turkey." He turns to me with a reassuring smile. "You are the man of this house, son, what do you say?"

"I would love to." I stand to make my way to the kitchen, and he claps me on the back. My parents have always treated me like an adult, but I've never felt more like a man to them as much as I do at this moment. Leaving Ann, moving here, and meeting Jules was all part of the bigger plan for me. I've never had more to be thankful for.

I sit at the head of the table and my father opposite me. My mother sits to his left and Jules to mine. Issac insisted on sitting next to Jules, who says it is her pleasure to help him with his dinner as Carrie and Tim settle in together on the other side. The spread before us is amazing, every dish perfect and made with love by the three most important women in my life. Just the significance of this meal makes it the single most cherished meal I'll ever have.

You would never know that Jules and I haven't been together for twenty years. You'd never guess that my parents and sister had only met her yesterday. This is the first time, since I was a child, that I can say that I truly love and know that I am loved by every person I'm with. I wanted to have felt like this years ago but never did. Like so many other expectations I'd had that just never worked out. It was all a blessing in disguise because I know this moment is the beginning of everything I've ever wanted.

Julia

EVERYONE LEFT EXHAUSTED AND FULL. I have to say, the day was amazing, a complete success. Of course, this is all coming from someone that just had her first family holiday gathering in six years. Besides what none of them know of me, it's like we've all done this a million times. His sister could easily be my own. His parents, are like surrogates for the one I've lost and the other I am so far estranged from. Issac, he's such a sweet little boy. He slept on my lap for nearly an hour while we sat having coffee in front of the fire listening to his family's stories. I've never felt like part of a family, other than the one I once had, any more than I did today.

I sit on the couch cuddled up to Derick, my own exhaustion taking over. The fireplace lit, I stare into the flames, as I usually do, finding peace in their random patterns.

"Thank you for today," I say as I continue to focus on the flames. I need him to know how much this means to me, but I don't trust myself not to cry.

"Thank you. You are an amazing woman, Jules. My family loves you. I think my nephew is out to steal you from me though."

I laugh. The mention of Issac makes me smile. "He's definitely a charmer. He must have got that from his uncle."

"His father might not be an Edmunds, but Issac's got Edmunds blood. I guess I'm lucky he's only two."

We're silent for a few minutes and the whole time I want to tell him everything, I'm just not sure I can. It's not about how he'll feel about me anymore. Now that I've decided I can't let him go, I'm afraid that my past will make him feel inadequate. Like he'll never be able to live up to what I had. I'm in so deep that I don't know if I can take him walking away from me. Completely selfish, given I had recently planned to do the same to him.

"Tell me something about you that I don't know." I'm stunned by his request. Sometimes I swear he can read my mind, how he'll ask about something I'm thinking. Julia, tell him now, or not.

"What do you want to know?" Please, I pray, keep this to favorites and my childhood. Please skip the last fifteen years.

"Whatever you want to tell. I just want to know more about you. Let's start easy. Tell me some of your favorite things. We'll do this together. What's your favorite color?"

"Red. You?"

"Green. Favorite sport?"

"Baseball."

"Me too! We should catch a game or two this coming season." I turn over to my back, my head still in his lap so I can see him.

"Very important question, who's your team? Fair warning, your answer could make or break us." I give him that eyebrow lifted look that says everything is on this answer. Not that I really care.

"Well, growing up in northern California I had a couple of choices, but I never fully committed to any one team. I just love the game but if you want me to choose one, I guess I'd go with the Giants."

"Thank God! If you had said the Yankees I'd be halfway home by now!" I roll my eyes but smile.

"Given your passion, I'm guessing you're a Red Sox fan."

"Growing up in New England, it's go Sox or go home, buddy, and don't you forget it. So here we are, east meets west."

"That we are," he says laughing. "Any brothers or sisters?"

"One brother. He's younger than I am. We don't talk." I know he wants to know all this and one day I'll have to tell him but I have to steer this back to _fun_ getting to know each other. "Favorite food?"

"Hey! You flipped it on me."

"No, you did. The name of this game is favorites."

"My bad, you're right. Hmmm, fried bar foods. Wings, fingers, mozzarella sticks, mushrooms, zucchini, I love them all. What's yours?"

"Chicken and mashed potatoes. I could eat it every day!" I know I have a huge grin on my face.

Derick changes a little, becoming softer as he looks into my eyes. "I could do this with you every night for the rest of my life, Jules. Learning everything about you, one question at a time. You've done something crazy to me, and you've made me feel things I always wanted to but never have." I sit up from the couch and crawl into his lap where he quickly places his arms around my waist and pulls me close. I look into his eyes needing that contact and place my hand softly on his cheek.

"I want you to know everything about me, I do. But there are some things I'm just not ready to tell. My past has been painful, but the feelings I have for you, I never thought I'd have again. So please, be patient with me." Never breaking the contact we have I see that he understands but I also see the one thing that's kept me from telling him anything at all, condolence. Wanting to change that, I kiss him soft and sweet feeling the heat between us. "Please make love to me."

He locks his eyes with mine seeing everything he needs to see right now. I can't say the words just yet, but he has to see that I feel them. He presses his lips to mine harder and with more passion. The house could come tumbling down right now, and neither of us would notice because we are so caught in this moment where no words are necessary.

I have my demons, and I need to deal with them so that I don't fuck this up. But when he's kissing me, he's all I can think about because I love him.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

I love to watch her sleep. After the excitement of the day and the hours of lovemaking that lead to its end, there's no doubt she's exhausted. We've had sex more times than I can count, but tonight was different. She asked me to make love to her after she asked me to be patient with her about the details of her past. It's a step forward. It means she wants to tell me, but she also said it's painful. I don't want anything to cause her pain. I want to take it all away. I consider waking her now and confessing just how much she has changed my life and that I want her in it 'til the end. I want to ask her never to leave me, to marry me. I'm not sure I can wait. But she looks so peaceful, so I continue to watch her matching my breaths with hers until the rhythm we have together makes me sleep.

I awake early feeling completely rested and content with being cuddled up to my beauty who still sleeps soundly. I lie here a few minutes just thinking that the next time we wake up like this it may be different, after what I'm planning for today.

I scoot out of bed careful not to wake her and throw on my sweats and hoodie. My morning run is something I normally do, so she won't find my absence odd. Quietly down the stairs I whisper to Ginger to stay quiet and praise her with a treat and a good petting of her ears.

"I'll be back in a while, girl." She resumes the hard life of lying on her pillow next to the fireplace.

Outside the crisp morning air hits me with a blast of energy as it always does. I'm so revved up, and a run is exactly what I need, that, and a plan. I have a half an hour before the owner of the flower shop shows up. She won't be open, but I'm hoping that having seen me out on my morning runs and the wave and smile I always send her way will grant me a special courtesy.

I have no idea exactly how I'm actually going to do this, but I do know I've never wanted anything more. It doesn't matter that I still have so much to learn about her, that she has a painful past that I don't yet know about. I saw the look in her eyes last night. It conveyed everything I need to know. She loves me, and she trusts me and I'm ready to promise her that I will never let her feel that kind of pain again.

I'm running through the park when I see the bench where I saw her deep in thought looking out over the water. I watched her for a few minutes before I threw Ginger's ball in her direction. I wanted to talk to her, but she seemed lost in deep thought. That moment changed everything. It's when I saw the real her, the woman without a reputation and authority. I got to see the soft, shy woman that has gone unloved for too long. That's when I fell in love with her. This is where I will ask her to let me love her for the rest of our lives.

As I hoped, the flower shop owner, Laurette, lets me in early and is more than happy to aid in my plan for later that day. She tells me that, in all her years, she's never heard of anything so sweet and that if I don't get a _yes_ she's always looking for a handsome young man. I haven't been considered young for a few years now, but coming from a woman in her mid-sixties, I guess that shoe still fits.

As I'm leaving the shop, I send Jules a text.

D- Stopping for coffee. What would you like?

J- Whatever you're having. I'll just continue keeping the bed warm 'til you get back.

D- Excellent! See you in ten.

I wish I wasn't stopping now, knowing that she's still in bed, still naked, and obviously has no intentions of becoming otherwise before I get back. We have all day to spend together. My family is doing the sightseeing thing today. My parents want to take a drive up the coast, and my sister and her husband are taking Issac to the aquarium. We will meet them all for dinner, and I hope to have a special announcement to make.

I would think I'd be nervous about later today, but I'm not. I am one hundred and fifty percent sure that this is everything I want. Fate lead me to her. Ann really did me a favor. I may even consider adding her to mine and Julia's Christmas card list.

Julia

AFTER DERICK RETURNS WITH COFFEE, he crawls back into bed with me, and we don't get out of it again until noon. We make love, cuddling while we talk, learning more about each other; just enjoying this time together. Nothing we need to do. Nowhere we need to be. All responsibilities are thrown to the wind. I can't remember the last time I've been so completely content.

The few times we lie quietly, I let my mind wander to a place where I think I should feel guilty for feeling so much for this man. I have to remind myself that I have no reason to feel guilt. Alex has been gone six years now, and he would have wanted me to be happy, even if it had to be without him. I would've wanted that for him had our tables been turned. That realization pulls me from that dark place back to the world that Derick constantly fills with light.

We move from the bed to the tub where I settle between his legs. His fingertips caress my arms, and I relax so completely that I nearly drift off. I want to tell him I love him. I want to reassure him that one day I'll share with him every detail of my life, happiness and sadness. With all my honesty will come the reasons why he should run. When I tell him, I can't give him the things he deserves, like children. He's never mentioned it but seeing him with Issac, I know he would be a wonderful father. I won't keep that from him, and it would break me to hear him say that he didn't want it just to be with me. That would definitely take the top of my selfishness list.

"Jules. Did I lose you?" he asks softly in my ear.

I grab his hand and bring it to my lips, kissing it softly. "I'm here. You haven't lost me."

"Good. That would be very, very bad." He kisses my neck up to my ear and whispers, "I have a surprise for you."

Matching the low sound of his voice, I whisper back. "And what would that be?"

"Nope, not telling. I'm going to leave you to finish your bath. I'll meet you downstairs and then I'm taking you somewhere. We'll be walking so dress warm."

He gets out of the bath leaving me alone, my mind racing with ideas. Excitement fills me to my core. He wants to surprise me. I haven't been surprised so many times in my whole life as I've been with Derick.

Every day he amazes me with his heart and his patience. He hardly needs to surprise me anymore but on the same token, I enjoy every bit of it. About forty minutes later I meet him in the kitchen where he's packing a basket, which he closes just as I enter the room.

"What's in there?" I ask trying to look inside.

"You'll see."

"So, is that my surprise in there?" I point to the basket.

"Part of it." Then in a softer tone, "You look beautiful."

"Thank you. Good thing I packed warm for this weekend." I know I must be blushing for the way his mouth turns up in a half smile. I'm still not used to being complimented almost constantly.

"Ready?" He grabs the basket and calls Ginger.

"But of course." I say in my best English accent.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We're making the turn towards the park. This used to be the place I would come talk to Alex. Now, I'm reminded of the day I sat there on my bench asking Alex for a sign that he wanted me to move on. Derick and Ginger appeared only moments later, and my life has changed so much since. This is a place that reminds me of all the good in my life, old and new.

I take the leash off of Ginger, and she's happy with the freedom. She starts running and won't stop at Derick's call. We start to chase her when she stops suddenly. I see now that she has stopped at my bench, which is covered and surrounded by rose petals.

I look to Derick, but he says nothing. He grabs my hand and leads me the rest of the way. I still can't believe what I'm seeing. So many emotions all at once but not one of them is fear. Surprise, definitely. He motions me to sit and sits next to me, setting the basket on the ground. I have no clue what is about to happen, but I have the feeling my life is about to be changed forever.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

Laurette came through with every request I made. Even a way to get Ginger to run to the bench and wait for us. It was easy with a new yellow ball. The look on Jules' face has already made this worth the effort. I can imagine but can't wait to see how this all pans out. I'm nervous. Not about my question but about her answer. It's not intelligent to ask this particular question without one hundred percent certainty, but I don't care. I'll deal with the worst _if_ it happens. Right now I'm focused on getting this ring out of my pocket and onto her finger.

I grab her hand that is trembling and bring it to my lips, and I lock my eyes with hers. I still can't read every message her eyes relay, but I do see trust in those beautiful green spheres.

"Meeting you for the first time, I knew you would be a special part of my life. We had a moment, only one, but it was defining. It was here, though, this exact spot that I really saw you. I must confess that when I saw you sitting here I watched you for a few minutes before working up the nerve to talk to you. And then I took the coward's way, and I used Ginger here to break the ice. It seems a little creepy, but I'd do it again a hundred times to be sitting here telling you all this today."

Her eyes start to gloss over, but she never breaks contact with mine. I need her to hear all of this, to understand my feelings for her.

"I'm sitting here beside you. Neither lowered down on one knee nor standing above you because I want us always to be equal. From start to finish. I want it to be us. Not you, not me. Us. I don't care that I don't know everything about you. We have time for that, and I can't think of a better way to spend the rest of my life."

The gloss in her eyes has spilled over, trailing down her cheeks. She must know what's coming, but she hasn't stopped me. This leaves me feeling more confident about what's to come.

I reach down into the basket and pull out a single rose.

"All these petals came from one hundred and seven roses. This one makes one hundred and eight. There is a meaning for the number of roses I've given you along the way. You may not have known, but it was a way for me to relay how I felt when I wasn't brave enough to say it. The first was a single rose, because for me, it was love at first sight. Three roses, I wanted so badly to tell you, I love you. Six, when I missed you and twenty-four, because while we were apart, I couldn't get you off my mind. With one hundred and eight roses, will you marry me, Jules?"

At my question, she sucks in a breath and her eyes fill again with fresh tears. "I can't..." she breaks down choking on her words and I feel my heart beating heavy in my chest. I think I can actually feel it beginning to break. I was wrong. "I can't give you the things you deserve, Derick. I can't let you waste any more of your life with me, only hoping for all the things you want and deserve."

"Like what? I don't _deserve_ anything, I probably don't deserve you, but that doesn't change the fact that I love you. Talk to me. What is it you think you can't give me? All I want is you."

"Children." For a split second, I process what she's said. She can't have children. That's big but not a deal breaker. Of course I wanted children but I'd rather not have them with her than to have them with anyone else.

"So it will just be you and me, us. Jules, that's all I need. I want a lot of things. Some I may one day have, some I won't. The only thing I can't live without is you."

"Will it still be okay a year from now, five years from now? You won't resent me for taking that away from you?"

"I could never resent you." I wipe tears from her cheeks with my thumbs, holding her head in my hands. Making sure her eyes stay with mine so she can see that I mean everything I say. "You've made me happier in the last two months than I have ever been in all my life. I love you. I'm in love with you. You're it for me, Jules. You're my forever."

She just keeps her eyes locked with mine. I'm sure she's trying to read mine like I try to read hers. "I love you too."

I crush my mouth to hers leaving her answer to my question hanging while I take in her words. She loves me. I taste the salt on her lips as I kiss her, and it makes me want to kiss away every last tear she's shed. I pull away, just far enough away that our lips aren't touching, but I can still feel her breath.

"Say it again."

"I love you so much, Derick." It's breathy but so honest. Then as if remembering my question from moments ago, realizing that it remains unanswered she makes a request. "Will you ask me again?"

This time with one hundred percent certainty I know the answer she's about to deliver. I hand her the rose and reach into the basket pulling out the box my mother gave me only three days ago. I open it to take out the heirloom and hold it between my fingers.

"Jules, will you marry me?"

She begins nodding her head before her answer leaves her lips. "Yes." She doesn't scream it. I almost think I don't hear it until I see the smile on her face. I kiss her and hold her face between my hands. Then I pull back to look at her, I have to hear it again to be sure.

"Yes?"

She nods her head, "Yes."

I slip the ring onto her finger, and its fit is perfect. Another sign that it was meant to be hers. "My mother gave me this the other night. I had told her about you before she left California. This was my grandmother's and was intended to be passed on to my wife. My mother didn't give it to me the first time. She gave it to me now because she said she knows it belongs to you."

She looks at the ring and again at me. "Derick, it's perfect. You're perfect. Are you sure? You're willing to spend the rest of our lives learning all there is to know about me? Learning all my secrets?"

"I am." I'm completely serious. "We have forever now."

"We may have forever, but I promise I won't make you wait that long."

All along, he's been telling me everything I needed to know. And although it wasn't with words, he was _telling me with roses._

### By

### Mareta L. Miller

### Stemming from Secrets

### (Book 2 in the Ninety-Nine Roses series)

### Kindle Edition 2015

### Copyright © 2015 by

### Mareta L. Miller

### Cover Photographed by Alizabeth Kaminski

### This is a work of fiction. All names, locations,

### and characters are fictitious and are a product of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual

### events, names, locales, or persons living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Julia

FOREVER. IT'S EXPECTED TO BE a very long time. I've made that promise before, to love someone forever, and here I am doing it again. It was a decision that was made quickly, only having been in this relationship for a little more than a month, but how long is long enough? I've been alone for almost seven years, and I'm not a young girl who's afraid to be alone. I'm a woman that knows what love feels like, and I know that's what Derick and I have.

I'm not one of those women who's just in love with the idea of marriage. I don't believe in pledging your love, throwing a big wedding, making promises in front of everyone you know, and then tossing them away for the next better thing. I've never promised anything I didn't keep. I promised Alex "'til death do us part" and I kept that promise 'til long after that vow became my reality. In some ways, I'm still holding onto that vow. But life has yet again changed, giving me a chance I never thought possible: to love and be loved again.

I've stopped feeling guilty and I've stopped beating myself up for wanting to do more than just exist in this life without my family. For wanting to have a new family and fulfill dreams I'd long ago given up. For not wanting to be alone anymore.

I've stopped punishing myself and constantly thinking I'm selfish. I say _constantly_ because I sometimes believe I'm still selfish. I'm selfish for not sharing my past with Derick. I'm selfish for keeping secrets from him. I'm selfish for letting him believe I'm something I'm not. No matter how big or small they are, secrets are the same as lies and they can ruin you.

Julia

EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP warm and protected by the arms of this man. Some days I find it hard to keep the truth to myself, I want to come out with everything. I think that if I'm quick, it won't make sense enough for him to understand, but at least I'll have planted the seed. He'll ask, and having nothing left to hide behind, I'll have to tell him. I'm not so much worried about revealing the fact that I've been married before and why it is that I'm now not. I'm more scared of revealing that I had children. I can't tell him that I am physically capable of having more children, but besides the fact that I was once advised not to, I don't want to. Not even with him. Not anytime soon.

How do you tell someone you love them and then tell them you won't give them children? Talk about the ultimate slap in the face. If I were on the receiving end, I'd be completely insulted and utterly crushed. That's why I told him I _can't_ have children, he simply thinks I'm unable. _Can't_ sounds as if it isn't my choice and it can be sympathized with. _Won't_ on the other hand, seems cruel and uncaring.

It will probably ruin everything eventually, actually not it, _I_ will. That's why I need to conjure the courage to tell him the truth about everything soon. I just hope the love he has for me is strong enough to forgive me.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Having Derick's family for the Thanksgiving holiday was amazing. I'm beginning to feel like I have a family again, though it's a different kind. It's not the husband and kids, though the husband part is quickly becoming a reality I'd never expected. It's that I never had a sister, a nephew, and in-laws, and though they legally won't hold those exact titles until after we are married, they are already those people to me.

We decided to take them to the airport, buying us a little more time with them. There's talk about Christmas already, but I don't know that I can leave here on Christmas just yet. I hug his father feeling like I'd done it a hundred times and kiss his cheek. His mother Liz hugs me so tight that I can barely breathe, but I don't want to let go. In just a few days, she's stolen the place of being the best mother figure I've ever had. She kisses my cheek and whispers in my ear so only I can hear, "I'm so glad you found him, Julia. He loves you, and we love you too." She steps back to give me a reassuring smile and both our eyes are glossy with tears. I can't speak without crying, so, I just smile and squeeze her hand.

I feel a tugging on my leg and I look down to see my favorite little man, Issac. "Ju! Ju! Don't cry, pwanes are fun."

I pick him up so that I can hug him. "They are. But I don't get to go on the plane with you today."

"Thas why you sad?"

"Yup, because I'm going to miss you, sweetie."

"I miss you, Ju." And he throws his little arms around my neck and gives me a big squeeze. "I come back, kay?"

"I can't wait. I miss you already." I kiss his head and lower him to the ground, where he hits it running to meet his father's arms. If for no other reason than to see that little guy, a trip to California may soon be in order.

I hug Carrie and tell her I'll give her a call when we start making wedding decisions though I have already decided that I want her to stand beside me, as my matron of honor. Besides the fact that I have no one else, we've bonded these last few days. She reminds me so much of Derick that loving her is easy.

Not being able to get through security without a ticket, we watch them go. Derick hugs me close as we walk back to the car. It's just him and me again, and the aspect of our relationship has changed. Time to see how we do in the real world, outside of the bubble the last four days has provided.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It's been a couple of weeks since Thanksgiving and all is back to normal, my new normal. My new normal makes it easy to forget my old normal sometimes. Glancing down at my ring, I just can't believe how the last two months have changed me. Having someone to lean on and draw strength from can make all the difference. With Derick, I don't have to take it all on by myself, though a few things, I still do. Not for long though, I'm going to tell him everything soon. If he's going to love me, he needs to love all of me and know all of me. I can and want to keep him for as long as possible.

Life back at work has changed very little. We made no announcement of our engagement but did become a little less secretive about the fact that we were indeed in a relationship. We walk in together in the mornings, leave together in the evenings, and I always wear my ring that I'm sure hasn't gone unnoticed.

My early mornings and late nights don't happen so much anymore either, but when they do, Derick is right there with me. He knows that old habits are hard to break and that, for a long time, my career was my entire life. He understands the fact, but not why. Luckily, so far he hasn't questioned it. The fact now is that I don't want to spend every waking moment working, not anymore. I'd rather be able to sleep in late next to his warm body in the morning and spend my evenings cuddled up to him in front of the fire or walking Ginger than spend it alone in my office.

Even more, I like being woken up by him kissing my neck and softly stroking my nipples while he presses the front of his body to my backside. Feeling him grow as he moves slowly against my ass and knowing he didn't wake up that way, but that I'm able to do this to him merely by being so close. I love feeling his breath on my skin and the way my hair sticks to his morning stubble. Absolutely everything about starting every day like this is intoxicating. Every fiber of his body is making love to me, at the same time he's fucking me, which means there's much more there than love. There's desire, and when it's unleashed, my only desire is to surrender myself to him. To completely lose myself and leave my body to his every whim. It's a win-win. I'm never left unsatisfied, and he always wants more, which I am completely willing to give. More often than not, we're running out of the house with coffee in to-go cups and zero regrets.

We still like to spend lunch together in one of our offices most days, but they've turned into working lunches. They aid in avoiding the late nights. We worked well together before we started seeing each other, but there was always an underlying tension. I felt it then but only realized how thick it actually was once I witnessed its absence. It wasn't a tension based on anger or insecurity; it was based totally on restrained passion. Now that we practice very little restraint, the tension has left the building.

We're in my office sharing a sub from the sandwich shop down the street. With Christmas only a week and a half away, we're reviewing the staff schedule and deadlines. I usually try not to accept deadlines this close to a holiday, especially one that is so family orientated. The office is closed on Christmas Day, and I don't like to make anyone work the days following either. I, more than anyone, want my people to have that time and to cherish it. Although I don't engage in personal relationships at work, when it comes to the holidays, I'm the softest person here. In the past, I would work if needed just so everyone else could enjoy the time with their families.

"Well, it looks like everything is covered. We had three people volunteer to work Thursday and Friday after Christmas if needed. But, if things go smooth this week, they won't need to be here at all."

"Have you given any thought to going to my parents' house for Christmas?"

"I have, and as much as I would love to, I need to be here. Frank is going to spend Christmas with his daughter, and someone needs to be here, close, just in case." His face falls. I know he wanted to go. I'm not lying about Frank leaving and it's true someone should be in town for incidentals, but there are other people that can do it. I'm not going to tell him that. I have to be here because I have traditions I'm not ready to break. Traditions like visiting Alex and the kids on Christmas Eve. I wish I could erase the disappointed look from his beautiful face. "You should go without me."

"Absolutely not! If you can't go, I won't go. It's our first Christmas together, Jules. Besides the fact that my mother and nephew would kill me for showing up without you! You don't really want me to go, do you?" How could I have even suggested it? Of course, I don't want him to go. I don't want to spend another Christmas alone.

"No. I don't. But I would understand if you did. I don't want you to feel like you have to choose me over them." Honestly, if he did decide to go without me, I would probably want to rethink everything we have but I've learned this lesson and would never keep him from his family. That would be equally unfair since I'm hiding behind what he sees as valid excuses to stay instead of telling him the truth.

"It's settled then. We stay home and spend our first Christmas together, just us. It's actually not a bad idea at all. I won't have to share you, and I can keep you naked all day."

"Hmm. Celebrating Christ's birthday, in our birthday suits. That's an original idea. I think I like the way you compromise." And just like that he's smiling again. Like a little boy who figured out his gift already and just can't wait to open it.

This is one of those moments that makes me feel like I'm being selfish again. I feel as if he had to choose, and he chose me, he chose us. I remind myself that it's not the same. He wasn't choosing between a family that hated the woman he loved and the woman he loves. Derick was choosing to spend our first Christmas together. Together. We both know that his family wouldn't have it any other way.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

My afternoon hasn't been as productive as I had hoped. Jules and I laid out a plan so that spending time in the office wouldn't be how we, or any of our employees, would be spending the holiday break. I hope she's having better luck than I am keeping up her end because I'm failing miserably.

I hate to place blame, but it's actually her fault. Though our compromise to stay here and spend Christmas together leaves me ecstatic, the fact she even suggested I go to California without her bothers me. Why? How could she think that I would take that option only a couple of weeks after proposing to her? Why is she always so willing to take the back seat when it comes to my family? Doesn't she realize that she is the number one person in my life now? If not, I'm somehow not making it very clear to her and I need to remedy that immediately. What's happened to her in that past I know so little about, that makes her unable to accept this?

Truthfully, my patience is getting a little thin when it comes to all the things I don't know about Jules. Sure I can tell you most of her favorites, how she takes her coffee, and that she plays the cello. But I hardly know anything about her childhood, or whether she's ever been in love before, or why she keeps all of that away from me. Why do I feel like she's got a handful of secrets and possibly no intention of sharing them with me?

As if I needed another interruption, my phone chimes to let me know that I have a text message.

Unknown CA number: I'm in town. I need to talk to

you.

Me: Who is this?

Unknown CA number: I see you deleted my number. It's Ann.

Ann? What in the hell?

Me: Why are you here? What can you possibly want from me?

Unknown CA number: I don't want anything, but I need to see you. It's important.

Me: Anything important you have to discuss with me should probably go through my lawyer.

Unknown CA number: I know where you're working. DON'T make me come to you.

Her use of capital letters is supposed to scare me. It doesn't, but I can honestly say, I don't want her here. I don't want her able to taint this place that has changed my life. Not that I've kept her a secret from Jules, but I don't want her having any part in my life now, any part of Jules. But, I'll admit that curiosity as to why she's here definitely has a hold on me. I can't imagine what could possibly be so important that she'd come all the way to Boston, and insist on throwing threats at me.

Me: Tonight at 6. Coffee shop at the corner of Boylston & Tremont

She doesn't respond, and it doesn't surprise me. She's won this battle and knows it. She got me to give in. Not for the reasons she thinks, but she'll still see this as a triumph. Months ago, I probably would've still answered to her beck and call, even after she had gutted me. Now it's different. I feel nothing for her. Still, my mind is reeling with what this could be about. I think of all the possibilities and come up with nothing.

Suddenly, I'm not so focused on figuring out what it is that Jules is not telling me. I am more worried about what she'll think is going on when I tell her I have a meeting with my ex-wife. As far as I am concerned and have told her, there is absolutely no reason to have to see or talk to Ann ever again. Our break was clean. I didn't fight with her and gave her everything she wanted. I left no loose ends.

Given it's only days before Christmas, I could easily make an excuse to buy the time needed to see Ann, and get her back on a plane to California without Jules ever knowing she was here. But, is that how I want to start my life with her? With secrets of my own, especially when I'm expecting her to expose hers? The answer is no. I want to be honest about everything, to hold nothing back from her. I'm going to tell her on the way home. I've made my decision and plan on following it though.

Julia

I KNOW HE MUST BE getting frustrated with me. He doesn't say anything, and he doesn't ask anything, but he must know by now that there are things I haven't told him. Truthfully, I think it's my own guilt conjuring up worst-case scenarios regarding his patience. Am I going to let it ride until he blows up demanding I come clean? If he finally just got mad and told me he just couldn't continue this without knowing everything, would I comply or would I find a way to turn it around and use it as a reason to run? I don't want to run. I don't want this relationship to be based on untruths that could essentially cause me to lose everything all over again. I'm telling him. I'm telling him tonight.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I've been thinking about it all afternoon, making it all but productive. I need reinforcements, things that may make it easier to tell Derick about my life before. Maybe a way to show him rather than tell him. We're on our way home, and Derick seems distracted. He's not talking and has this perplexed look on his face while he focuses on traffic.

"Are you ok?" He doesn't hear me. He doesn't even acknowledge that I've spoken at all. "Derick!"

"Yeah?" Not how he answers me, ever.

"What's wrong?" Something's not right.

"Nothing. I'm sorry. I just have something on my mind." Something that you're not going to tell me, or you would have already.

"Can I help?" He looks over at me like I just offered him the moon, his eyes full of love. He reaches over the console and takes my hand in his and squeezes it.

"Thank you. It's okay, really. Just something I need to take care of. I love you." He lifts my hand to his mouth, kisses my knuckles, and holds them there against his lips.

"I love you." I do so much. "Speaking of taking care of things, I need to run over to my place tonight after dinner. I need to pick up a few things." He drops my hand from his mouth and a look crosses his face, like what I've just said has given him a revelation.

"I actually have an errand to run this evening too. I was just going to skip dinner to get it handled. I'm still full from lunch anyway. I can drop you off on my way and pick you up when I'm done. It shouldn't take me long."

An errand? He never mentioned it earlier. Weird, but I won't push with questioning because it's bought me the time I need and without having to explain why I want to go alone. But, it still hits me as odd, and it's somewhat unsettling.

"I was actually thinking about walking there. But I'll let you pick me up on your way home. I'll just hang out until you're done."

"I don't think I should be too long. I'll call you when I'm headed back. Are you sure you don't want me to drop you off?"

"No. I want to change first, and a walk sounds really good right now. Clear my mind a little, you know?"

"Yeah, I know." I can see the wheels turning. I'm afraid this isn't something good. He's keeping something from me. I'm certain because I've been doing it every day since we've been together. The term _takes one to know one_ quickly comes to mind. But I'm not backing down from my plan to tell him the truth, most of it anyway.

He drops me off at the loft, and I let myself in with the key he gave me the day after I accepted his ring. Walking in alone is so strange. I've never really been here by myself. I set my things on the chair by the door while Ginger hops down from the couch to greet me. Her welcome takes away some of the feelings of loneliness that Derick's absence creates. I give her a good ear rub and collect a few kisses before I head up the stairs to the bedroom, grab my sweatpants and T-shirt, and make quick work of changing. I don't know how long Derick will be, or how long it will take me to get my thoughts together, so I need to get going.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I get to my place, and it feels strange to be here now. For years, I liked the fact that it was quiet and not what I considered _family friendly_. Now it feels cold and lonely, and it makes me uncomfortable. I have no good memories here. I have no memories here at all. No birthdays, no holidays, no dinners with friends, nothing. Besides myself and the utility people, no one had even stepped foot in this place until Derick.

I think back to that first date. I knew after all my fantasizing about him that if he made a move on me, I'd give in. Yeah, I was nervous as hell, but I wanted him so badly. After all, I hadn't been with a man in more than six years and only with one before that. I wanted it, and apparently he did too. It's so crazy to me that I'm becoming slightly aroused just thinking about it, the night that changed my life. Hopefully, after I drop my news tonight he'll reassure me that everything's okay by wanting me like that again. Deep down, I know he will. I hope I'm right.

I go about getting the things I want. Since I'm here, I grab some clothes and personal items, setting them in a pile on my bed. I open the drawer of my nightstand and lift out a box. The box was my father's, engraved with his initials. I rub my fingers over the letters trying to connect with him. It was all I got to keep after he died, and that was only because I hid it from my mother. He kept pictures in it, and when I was little, I would take the box and sit on his lap and ask him who the people in the images were. He told me they were my grandparents and him from a long time ago. He told me a different story every time I'd ask and even though I never met my grandparents, because of his stories I felt like I knew them.

After my father had died, I took the box and hid it in my desk drawer. Over the years, I added pictures of my family. My mom, dad, my brother, and me. Pictures from when we were a family, when we were happy. After Alex and the kids were gone, I added photos of them to the box too, so that all the people that I loved would be together. Whenever I needed to feel close to them, I had all of them, together. I wouldn't need anyone else.

I pick up a couple of other photos and the article from the accident that stays tucked away in the bottom of my drawer beneath the box. I've decided Derick needs to know about the kids too. I feel it's wrong to keep them from him. I don't plan to change what he knows about the fact that I can't have more children because I can't. _I_. _Can't_. In fact, almost right after we started our sexual relationship, I got on birth control to make sure it didn't happen. But right now all he needs to know is that I can't. He accepted it when he proposed and fucked up or not, I'll continue to let him.

I put everything back in the box, having decided to take the whole thing with me. I want to share it all with him. He needs to know why I am who I am. That it's because I've lost everyone who ever meant anything to me.

I come back out to the living room, and my eyes fall on my cello. For the first time in a long time, I want to play it. Not because I'm lost but because I'm perfectly happy. My music is a part of me that existed before any of the tragedy. But because I've always used it to work through tragedy, I've associated it with hurt. I've treated it like an addict would. When I couldn't handle things, it was my drug. It took me away, requiring all my focus, so when I played I felt nothing but the music.

I'm drawn to play it right now. I set the box on the arm of the couch and go to it. For me, just touching it takes me to a place of calm. I glide my fingers up over the strings, over the scroll, and down the backside of the neck. I pick it up, also grabbing the bow that sits beside it, and move to sit on the edge of the coffee table, opening my legs to settle the instrument between them. I close my eyes and take the first draw across the strings, playing the first note of a piece I composed many years ago.

I don't have to think as I drag the bow back and forth over the strings. I let go of everything as I lose myself in the notes. Every bit of apprehension I have, every ounce of guilt, every drop of fear disappears as the music weaves its way through me. I'm transported to a place in my mind where pain and disappointment don't exist.

I don't even know how long I've been playing when I feel the vibration of my phone in my pocket. I shake my head to break the trance the music has put me in. Looking at the clock on the wall, I see it's been about an hour and a half, and I realize that I should be expecting to hear from Derick anytime now. I pull out my phone and see a text from him.

Derick: Running later than I thought. I'm sorry.

Me: Will you be much longer?

Derick: I'm not sure

Me: I can walk back to the loft

Derick: I'm really sorry. Please take a cab. See

you at home

Me: Okay. I love you

Derick: I love you more

I have no clue where he is or what's he's doing and honestly it doesn't matter as long as I know he's okay. The change in plans causes me to lighten the load of things I'll take back with me this trip. I'm not going to take a cab, as he suggested. I got along in this city for a long time without him. I'm still going to walk. I grab a bag from the hall closet, first placing the box and pictures in the bottom, then filling it with whatever else will fit, but keeping it light enough to carry with ease.

I don't mind walking home any more than I did walking here. It's colder out now because the sun is gone, but I'm okay. I'm okay because I know that I'm able to do what I need to do, to tell Derick everything. I feel a calm about all of this that I haven't felt from the beginning, a relief that I won't have to consciously keep these secrets anymore. Now, I just hope that he doesn't think I've already kept them too long.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When I get back to the loft, I busy myself with putting away the clothes I brought with me in one of the drawers Derick emptied for me. Then I go down to the kitchen looking for something to eat. My stomach is in knots. I find some cheese, crackers, and salami, adding a glass of wine to the mix, I have myself a meal made to relax me.

Derick is taking far longer than I thought he would and with every moment my nervousness is growing. The decision I made and was so sure about a couple of hours ago is quickly turning into one of uncertainty. I sit on the couch, grab my book off the end table, and open it to the folded piece of paper I used to hold my page. I read for a while until the words start to blur, and my eyes are struggling to stay open. Looking at my watch, I see that it's almost ten.

Worry and panic are setting in. I pick up my phone to see that there are no messages or missed calls. The air in the room becomes almost too thin to breathe, this scene and the feeling that something's not right is all too familiar to me. I'm frozen. If I dial him, and he doesn't answer, I'm not sure I can handle it. So, I just sit there staring at the screen completely numb.

Derick

I PULL UP TO THE COFFEE shop right at six. In this situation, with this particular person, punctuality is not my priority. I actually should have made myself late by taking Jules into the house and taking her body before I came here, making sure I smelled like sex and of her. Marking myself so that maybe Ann would finally realize just how gone I was and that things between us, including friendship, are unsalvageable.

Walking into the shop, it took only seconds to spot her. The typical California girl with blonde hair; another distinct difference between her and Jules. Her back is to me so she doesn't know I'm here yet, and for an instant, I consider leaving, just turning around and walking out the door. But she must sense me, for she turns around enough to look over her shoulder. Noticing me, she tries to connect her eyes with mine and smiles but, just as quickly, her smile fades as she realizes that I'm resisting the connection.

I'm surprised how seeing her doesn't affect me. I don't hate her, but I don't feel one bit of the love I once had for her either. It's funny how moving on and finding Jules has changed me. I'm not even mad at Ann anymore. Every feeling I ever had for her is locked away in a closet of has-beens.

I walk up to the table ready to lay it all down for her. Ready to tell her that she has no business coming here, to my home, and trying to throw around power she no longer holds over me. Besides not wanting her to come to my work looking for me, I came here to not only cut, but cauterize any ties between us. As I approach, I see that she's fidgeting with something on her lap. Probably her purse, digging for her lipstick or some stupid thing. But when I round the table, able to see her front, I see that it's not her purse. It's a baby.

My first thought is that it serves her the fuck right for denying me a child all those years. It wasn't something she would give me, never something she wanted, but, Michael, my oldest and best friend, apparently had a different effect on her. Surprisingly, not even this makes me angry with her. Oddly, I find it humorous and slightly entertaining. I take a seat at the table, a smirk drawn on my face. Let's get this over with.

"Ann." I acknowledge her with nothing more than a curt nod. "What brings you here? A honeymoon or family vacation? Glad to see you looking all maternal these days."

"Wow! I'd imagined you'd changed but this, this is far beyond what I'd envisioned."

"What did you expect? That I'd still be moping around over losing you? Wait that couldn't be, anyway. You lost me. So, where's Michael?" I ask as I look around the shop.

"I'm here alone." She looks down at the sleeping child. "Well, sort of."

"Don't tell me there's trouble in paradise already? You both looked so happy the last time I saw you." There's no hiding the sarcasm in my statement.

"Look, Derick, I'm sorry. I never meant to—" I know where this is going. I can finish this for her.

"Let me catch you fucking my best friend in our bed? What, was he supposed to be gone by then but you two were just so caught up, you lost track of time? Save it, because I don't care anymore. Everything happens for a reason, and moving here was my reason."

"You're happy here?"

"Happier than ever. I'm getting married. Moving here brought me to the woman of my dreams."

"I see."

"So, cut to the chase. Why are you here?"

"I wanted you to meet your son."

My son? Does she think I'm fucking stupid? She's after something, and I'm done entertaining her at this point.

"You've got to be kidding me. Are you that desperate? We've been divorced for more than a year, and he couldn't be more than—"

"Six and a half months old."

I quickly do the math in my head. We separated in September of last year, fifteen months ago. Pregnancy lasts nine months. Fifteen minus nine equals six. Six and a half would mean she was pregnant two, maybe three weeks before I found them together, and we broke up. No matter how I might try to spin it, it all adds up. It's possible.

"But you were sleeping with Michael then too. What is it you're after?"

"Michael's already been tested. He's not the father, Derick. You are. There was no one else."

My head is spinning. I don't know what to do with this information. Do I believe her? Am I an asshole if I don't? I look at the child, searching his features to find something that doesn't fit either Ann's, or mine, trying to eliminate the possibility. He sleeps so comfortably and innocently, knowing nothing of the chaos that's happening around him.

"If you've never been honest with me before, I'm begging you to be now. Are you sure?"

"I came all the way across the country to see you, didn't I? I'm sure."

I run my fingers through my hair, shocked by her words. My gut tells me not to believe her, but my heart says that if this is my child, I shouldn't want to miss a minute of his life. The only part of me anchored to rationality is my head. She's lied to me and cheated on me before. Deceit is nothing new for her.

I look at the boy again. "I need proof. You understand, don't you?"

"I expected that you would."

"What's his name?" It's all I want to know for now.

"Connor." He looks like a Connor.

"How long are you staying?"

"I have a flight back on Thursday." She reaches down in the baby bag, careful not to wake Connor, and pulls out a piece of paper. "I found a couple of labs that do DNA testing. It costs two hundred and fifty dollars, and the results take an average of three weeks. I'll pay half."

"When?"

"Tomorrow or Wednesday, I guess. My flight is Thursday morning."

"Wednesday would work better for me. I can let the office know that I need to step out for a while."

"Are you going to tell your fiancée?"

I'm stunned by her question, but more by the consideration it conveys. But it makes me realize that I hadn't thought about that. Do I tell Jules? She almost said no when I asked her to marry me because she can't have children. How will this news affect her? If it turns out that he is mine, I will have to tell her. She'll want him to be part of us because he's part of me, but in the back of my mind still lingers the question, what if he's not?

Ann seems to be genuine. If I were to find out this was some game of hers, I'd rename her the devil myself. I don't have to answer her question, it's none of her business. How Jules and I handle this is personal and has nothing to do with her. So, I answer inconclusively.

"She's my fiancée." I say it as if the answer is obvious.

She nods in understanding. "Call me about Wednesday." I nod and look at him in her arms. He starts to wiggle and his eyes flutter open. She shifts him into a sitting position and talks to him in a calm but happy tone. "Look who's awake! Did my boy have a good nap?"

He smiles and looks at me. Another smile lights up his face and he lunges towards me. In a protective mode, I reach out to keep him from falling and he places his chubby little hand on mine. His skin on mine. It's entirely possible that this is the first time I'm touching my son.

"Can I hold him?"

"Of course you can. I hoped you'd ask."

She lifts him so that I can grab hold of him and transfer him to my lap. Setting him down, he's soft and warm in my lap. He takes my hand in his and almost immediately tries to fit it into his mouth. I laugh because I remember these days from when Issac was little.

"You're a happy little guy aren't you, Connor? A handsome guy too."

"He takes after his father." Ann chimes in.

I look up at her with disdain. I know what she's trying to do. It's really a shame that I feel this way towards her.

"Let me get one thing clear, Ann. Until we have test results, I can't say that I completely believe you. Unfortunately for you, that's a bed you made. I hold no contempt for this child because it's not his fault. But don't push the fact that I'm his father on me and expect me to drop everything based on your word. We are never going to be together again. If he is mine, I'll be there for him and there's not one ounce of doubt that Jules will love him just the same."

"Julia, your fiancée." It's not a question. She's defeated.

"Yes."

"We were happy once, weren't we Derick?"

"A long time ago, yes."

"You haven't changed, you know? You're the same man I married all those years ago."

"Actually, I'm not. And the fact that you can't see that shows that you don't know me, and you never did. Did you think coming here and telling me I had a son was going to bring me back? Don't forget you made the choice for us. Looking at what I've already gained and what else I may," I look down at Connor, who has managed to cover my entire hand in slobber. "I think your tact was bad, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me."

She can't believe what I've just said and the look on her face hides nothing. She takes a moment to collect herself and returns to the conversation as the Ann I knew.

"I should get him back to the hotel. He needs to be fed and bathed." She motions to Connor.

I hold him up and turn him to face me. "Hey, little guy, I'll see you Wednesday. Be a good boy." I kiss him on his head and return him to his mother. "For what it's worth, Ann, you're good with him. Motherhood, after all, suits you."

"If I had known I'd love it this much, we'd be on our third by now."

"Hindsight, I guess. Did you drive here?"

"We took a cab."

"I'll drive you two back. It'll save time."

"I'd appreciate that."

I help to carry his bag and carrier out to the car and Ann carefully straps him into the back seat before climbing into the front seat with me. I feel like I'm cheating on Jules by having Ann in her spot. It's just one more mental battle I must fight right now in light of this new information. I don't make conversation on the way and neither does she, making it the perfect ending to our imperfect encounter.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I drop them off and decide I need a little time to let this sink in. I don't know what to think of all this, and I don't know how to feel. But what scares me the most is that I'm not sure how this will affect Jules. I go to the Public Garden, to the bench that has recently brought me so much happiness. It's where Jules and I started as a couple. It's where she said she'd marry me. It must be the place where I'll find the answers I need this time too. I text Jules to tell her I'm running late. I need just a little more time.

I end up losing track of time with the array of questions and thoughts filling my mind. At least a dozen _what ifs_ and half a dozen more _hows_. But the one thing that keeps resurfacing is that I felt no connection to him. Isn't the bond supposed to be natural and instant? Shouldn't I just know?

The fact that I don't know scares the shit out of me. What kind of father will I be if I can't feel my child? What scares me even more, though, is for years I wanted this so bad, I wanted to be a father. Now that it's possibly happening, it's not that I don't want it any longer, I just don't want it with _her_. This will turn my world upside down, or even worse, tear it apart. I can't be a good father from three thousand miles away, but my life is here now.

I stand and walk to my car knowing I need to go home, but not knowing what I will tell Jules. All I need to worry about for now is tonight, an explanation for where I've been. I'm not going to lie to her. I'll tell her Ann came into town, that we had coffee, and that there's some unresolved legal issue that's come to the surface. It's not the whole truth but true nonetheless. The rest, well, I think it'd be better to wait until I know more. I want whatever I tell her to be sure, especially since I have no clue how this is going to affect us.

Julia

I BEGIN TO DO SOMETHING I quit doing years ago—pray. I don't pray because it seems that too many people only do it when they want something. Right now, I don't care if I fall into that group because I do want something. I want Derick to walk through that door. I close my eyes partly to keep them from filling with tears, but also to focus all my energy on this one request. I don't say anything out loud and I don't need to because I know I can be heard.

I'm startled when Ginger starts to bark and the door opens. Derick! He's here, he's safe! I spring from the couch and into his arms. I don't care where he's been or whom he was with. Right now I just need to feel him, to hold him, and to kiss him.

He must think I'm crazy, having no clue why I would worry enough to behave this way, but he doesn't show any hesitation. I kiss him hard and thankfully, and he matches me, allowing this contact to have a meaning beyond words. The connection I have with him at this moment is like nothing I've ever felt. I want every part of us to touch, absolutely nothing between us.

I start to tear at his clothes while still devouring his mouth. I know his taste, I've committed it to memory, and I can't get enough of it. In a couple of movements, his chest and shoulders are bare. My hands, with a mind of their own, are trailing over his skin, making sure they're touching every inch. I need more, though. I move my hands to his waistline, slipping my fingers into the space between the fabric and his abdomen, feeling the tickle of the hair that makes up his happy trail. The button of his slacks comes undone easily and his zipper follows.

He's been working my clothes off as well, my blouse now open and baring for him my lace bra that is powerless against my rigid nipples. He pulls my hands from his pants just long enough to free me from my blouse and bra. I can tell that his advance on my body carries a different intention, but it's no less necessary than my own. We need each other right now. I need to suppress this constant fear of losing him.

Once free from all material covering the upper half of my body, he wastes no time bending me back and taking my nipple into his mouth. The molten feeling of his warm tongue on my skin takes my breath away and a moan, needy and profound, sounds from my throat. I want him to be doing this, but I feel this uncontrollable urge to taste him, to show him just how vulnerable he makes me. I push him back against the door and after kissing him once more, a hard and dominant kiss, I slide down to my knees. Eye level with his still contained hardness, I take hold of his pants and briefs with my fingers and in one fluid movement pull them 'til he's free and they lay at his ankles.

He's always been the one focused on pleasing me. Another side effect of my selfishness that I was content with, but tonight it's my turn to give him the ultimate pleasure, asking nothing in return. I grab hold of his already hard shaft and it jerks at my touch. Circling my hand around it, I move so that my mouth is at its tip. A small bead of his cum already sits there waiting for my tongue to take it. Licking softly, and starting from the underside, I glide to the top, tasting him. At this moment, there could be nothing sweeter than his arousal for me. It's surging through me as well, making me hotter than ever. He always pleases me, but pleasing him has a much stronger effect on me. It's on a level higher than the greatest pleasure I've ever experienced.

I take him into my mouth and look up at him through my eyelashes. His eyes are on mine, burning into me. I've never felt more open to him and now, I never want to feel any less, ever again. Stroking my mouth back and forth over him, I can feel him grow harder, the heat of his excitement mixing with the heat of my mouth, creating an inferno. I lift one hand to place it on his abdomen, feeling the muscles beneath the skin tensing with his attempt to maintain control. But I want him to lose control, to know that I was able to do that to him. With untamed lust coursing through every part of my body, my own orgasm growing within me without even being touched, I pump harder, taking in as much of him as I can. Feeling the head penetrate the back of my throat, it's like nothing I've ever experienced. My sex life before, the only other one I've had, was satisfying but never like this. With Derick, I feel complete.

I'm hungry to feel him explode in my mouth, to fill me with his release. It feels as though he's turned to stone, the pulsing is quick and powerful. Then, I feel the thick, hot fluid and I relax my throat to take it all down. It tastes like him, like I imagined it would. Licking him clean, I look up again wanting to see his face, seeking his approval.

Without warning, he drops to his knees in front of me and crushes his mouth to mine, forcing his tongue past my lips and tangling it with mine. I've never in my life known such passion as I feel right now because there are absolutely no boundaries, and I never want there to be again.

He removes our remaining clothes and we make love on the floor, in front of the door. Slow and sweet. Serene and passionate. I realize that no matter how long I had been on my own, this man changed all of that, and it's no longer what I want for myself. He also made me realize a fear I didn't know I had, that I'm so afraid of losing it all again. What I have with him, it's not the same as before, it's different because I'm different, and I'm different because of him.

It was in those moments with him on the floor that I learned about another kind of sex. One that isn't about primal instincts or need for pleasure. This was about being and needing to be so close to someone that it feels almost like the need for air. Fearing the worst and being blessed with good makes me even more thankful for what I've been given. And I vow that I will no longer discount or take this love for granted.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It's Tuesday morning, a week 'til Christmas Eve, and I sit in my office restless, thinking about last night. I didn't tell Derick what I had set out to tell him last night, there was an unscheduled change of plans. But I've come to a sound decision, that not only do I have to come clean, I want to. After our encounter last night I feel empowered and no longer afraid of what he'll think. I know he will still see me, the _me_ he fell in love with and asked to marry him.

How could I have been so wrong all this time in thinking that I was doing what was best? Accepting his proposal without being honest with him was by far the worst and most selfish thing I've ever done. Apparently, I was only protecting myself, not him. I'm going to tell him and given the time frame we are in, I've decided how. I drive into Cambridge every year on Christmas Eve and go to the cemetery. I take a bundle of poinsettias for Alex, he always bought them for me every year, and a small gift for Katie and Toby. I talk to them and tell them about my year, how much I miss them, and how much I love them.

This year, along with the flowers and the gifts, I'll formally introduce them to the man who brought me back to life. I know they'll be happy for me, that they already are because they all loved me too much to see me alone and unhappy. For the first time, instead of worrying that this will break us, I'm positive it will make us stronger.

Derick walks in the door of my office around ten. Now that we're no longer hiding, yet not flaunting our relationship, we sit in my office and have coffee while we go over work and schedules. Striding over to the coffee pot in the corner, he reaches across my desk to take my cup as well. After filling them, he sits in his regular chair and just gazes at me. I know what he's thinking about because I'm thinking the same thing. Last night is still so vivid, a memory yet it almost seems like it happened only moments ago. I pull my bottom lip into my mouth remembering how his smooth skin felt on my lips and how he tasted on my tongue. I start to feel warm and I'm positive I'm blushing.

"I'm glad I'm not the only one who can't get the visual out of my mind." His words are so low and thick, I'm sure he's sporting a semi.

"Am I that bad at hiding it?"

He nods his head in an affirmative motion and that sexy smirk of a smile appears on his face.

"Well, the experience did leave quite an impression." My, oh my. Did it.

"That it did." I know I'm blushing again, if I ever stopped.

Feeling myself becoming turned on by the tenor of this conversation, I need to change its course. I shake my head hoping that the brain cells containing work thoughts will fall to the front so we can focus.

"So everything's on schedule and having it all clear for next week looks promising."

"Anything significant going on tomorrow?"

"Um, no," I say while looking at the calendar. "Why, what's up?"

"I just need to step out for a couple of hours in the morning."

"Oh, okay." Twice in two days? "No problem." I know my tone has changed and he picks up on this.

"My ex-wife is in town. Apparently there are some unresolved legal issues regarding our divorce and she came to Boston."

"Is that where you were last night?" Do I really want to know the answer?

"Yes."

"So late?" I know there's nothing to worry about, but I'm a little hurt that he didn't tell me about this sooner.

"I know I should've told you. She texted me yesterday and I didn't know what this was all about 'til last night. I went to the park afterward, to sort it all out. I'm sorry."

"Is it serious?"

"I don't think so. We have a meeting in the morning, then she'll go back to California and... we'll see."

I try to act like I'm focusing on the paperwork in front of me because I don't want him to see the hurt that must be evident in my eyes. "Why didn't you tell me?"

He leans in over my desk and takes my hand. I still refuse to look up, but he starts to speak anyway. "Jules, she's the poison that I came all the way here to escape. She's my past. You—look at me, Jules." I look up, my eyes glossed over with tears. He lets go of my hand and comes around the back of my desk. In the same way he has before, he spins my chair around so that I face him, crouches in front of me, and takes one of my hands. With his other, he softly wipes away a tear that has escaped and rolls to my cheek. "You are my present and my future. You're all that matters to me. I love you. After tomorrow, she'll be gone, hopefully forever. It was a bad call not to tell you. I just didn't want her to be able to do this, to make you feel like this."

I don't know what to say, so I stay silent searching his face. I know that being upset with him makes me a hypocrite, but just the same, what does him withholding things from me say about him? But in all fairness, what has it been saying about me?

Derick

BACK IN MY OFFICE, I come to the conclusion that I'm a dick and a liar, and quite possibly setting the stage for ruin. Especially if this test says that Connor is, in fact, mine. But it's too soon, both in our relationship and in this process with Ann to say anything. Wasted stress and energy are all it's going to create. I keep telling myself that, trying to justify this behavior that's completely out of character for me and that I'm not comfortable with.

I'm so torn. I can't just act as if there's not a chance that he's my son. Given the time frame of all related events, it's completely possible. So, if I start off denying him and find out he is mine, I'm a dick and a liar where he's concerned as well. There's no win-win here. I will lie to someone, the woman I love, my child, or both. All this is new territory for me, having no clue what I will do.

I'd love to be able to call my mom right now, to let her talk me through this and guide me in the right direction like she always has. But, this is something I don't even want to tell her about. So, once again—I'm a liar. Denying my mother her grandchild is something I'll never live down. I'm sure she'll understand why I'm skeptical but, in the end that's not the point. It's not an excuse for stolen time.

A text chimes in on my phone and as I swipe at the screen, I see it's from Ann. I programmed her number into my phone yesterday. "Unknown CA number" could've been anyone from back home, at least now I have a warning when it's her. I don't really want to hear from her right now, but I know avoiding her will only fuel her to pursue me more aggressively. I look at the screen and there're no words to her text, just a picture. It's of her and Connor in front of the huge Christmas tree displayed at Faneuil Hall.

Jules told me about the tree and its history. In fact, we had planned to go see it this weekend. Seeing Ann and Connor in front of it now, even though it's just a picture, changes it for me. It was supposed to be something special for Jules and me, part of our first Christmas together. Now, as I look down at the picture, I see something else that should be special to me. This may also be my son's first Christmas. How am I going to juggle my life with Jules here and with my son on the other side of the country? If he's mine, I can't stand the thought of not being with him. The more I think about it, I can't stand that I've missed all this time with him already, and I'm about to lose more.

I save the picture to my photos and press the button to lock the screen. I will continue to work on this new obstacle, but I need to keep things right with what I have. With what I know is mine—Julia. She feels like I betrayed her, and I have. Unfortunately, I am going to continue to for a while longer. I know she has things she hasn't told me, and for the sake of making me feel better about my own secret, I'll assume she does it to protect me somehow. Well, now I feel that I'm protecting her. I'm protecting us.

I pick up the phone and dial my new friend, Laurette. She owns the flower shop and helped me set up the most incredible proposal scene when I asked Jules to marry me. Now I need her expertise in saying sorry.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia

Jealousy is not a feeling I'm familiar with. I've never had a reason to be. Besides school and work, Alex and I spent every other waking moment together. Derick and I are much the same, until last night. He feels that, in some way, he was protecting me by not telling me whom he was with. He doesn't realize that while he was with her he reopened a wound so deep and so emotional. It wasn't jealousy, it was fear. Fear of not knowing where he was meant I might never see him again. Now knowing whom he was with and that he intended to hide it from me, opens this new feeling of jealousy.

I'm hardly able to focus on my tasks due to the number of thoughts speeding through my mind. It's a week 'til Christmas Eve, when I plan to introduce Derick to my former life. I'm still sure that it's the only way I'll get through it, and then my secret will be out. But now there's this thing with Ann. He said that tomorrow they have a meeting, then she'll be gone, back to California. I hope he's right. I've heard of women who never appreciated what they had until they know for sure that they can't have it back. Is she one of those women? Did she hear about our engagement and now wants to swoop in and dangle herself before his eyes, knowing he did once love her, and hoping she'd get him back?

I can't think about this, not like this. He told me himself, she's a poison and that he loves me. That should be enough, shouldn't it? I think it's only because I know that he did love her once that this all hits me so hard. He moved over three thousand miles away to escape her and a life that never provided what he needed. All that way, to find and save me. The bottom line is I'm scared because I'm not ready to lose my hero.

A knock at my office door interrupts the small amount of attention to my work I've managed to maintain. Looking at the time on my monitor before granting my interrupter entrance, I see that it's already noon. I've pissed off an hour and a half—great.

"Come in!"

Derick walks in with two buckets of food. If my sense of smell is functioning correctly, I'd say they're filled with clam chowder. New England comfort food, exactly what I need. I stand from behind the desk, moving things across its top to make room for him to unload our lunch. He's good, real good. The only other thing he could've done to make my day better would be to bend me over this desk and fuck me senseless, reminding me that I'm the one who drives him wild. Too bad my fantasies of desktop office sex surpass my abilities to act spontaneously and adventurously. But looking at my desk and then looking at him makes me seriously want to rethink my reserve. Suddenly the hunger in my stomach is squashed and replaced by another kind, a little further south.

We sit together on the _visitors'_ side of my desk, quietly eating. For the first time since we met, the conversation isn't easy and I don't know what to say. There's an elephant in the room and it's sucking out my ability to act casually. It's been in my head all morning, and it's untamable. I'm relieved when Derick speaks first.

"I want to take you to dinner tonight. I think a nice relaxing meal and a bottle of wine are in order this evening."

"We do that all the time at home." Once the words are out of my mouth, I feel like an ass for discounting his suggestion. "I'm sorry. It does sound nice."

He looks defeated for a moment. "Making things up to you after being a jerk is not going to be easy, is it? I guess it shouldn't be. At least it's out of the way." His words are not laced with any attitude. He's not angry or being smug. Then it occurs to me, what's he talking about?

"What's out of the way?"

"Our first argument."

"We didn't argue, though."

"Maybe not, but I was a dick. You could've, probably should've, kicked my ass and you didn't."

"I'm not a fighter."

"I guess that's lucky for me. I'm sorry, Jules. I won't let it happen again."

"Nobody's perfect." I say this knowing that it applies to me as much as him.

"No, but together, we are."

"Yeah, we are."

Derick

I MADE RESERVATIONS AT BLU, located inside the Ritz-Carlton. I know it's a kiss-ass move, but I do indeed have ass to kiss. That fact was made even more apparent when Jules told me she wasn't a fighter. When it comes to work, she'll throw it down in record speed, but when it's personal, she keeps it in. Sometimes it's almost like watching a real-life Jekyll and Hyde. The woman I see in the office is a far cry from the one I see at home. I am thankful for the one I get every night and weekend, the one that's soft and passionate, but at times, like right now, I wish she'd just let me have it so that my guilt would subside.

Laurette did tell me that the way a man handles his first fuck up is critical. Ignored and denied will lead to a cold and lonely bed. Sincere and apologetic lets a woman know you care and that _fucking up_ isn't intentional. Although I'd like to be in complete agreement with the latter, I can't because I don't intend to tell her about Connor yet. So I guess, if that one comes to a head, it will, in fact, be intentional. I just hope it won't come down to that. Again, the _dick_ in me emerges. Hoping that Connor's not mine, feeling deep down in my gut, that he's not. There was a time when I wanted nothing more. Now, unless it's with Jules, I don't want it at all.

After tomorrow morning, the longest three weeks of my life will start. Waiting is not a strong characteristic of mine, and all the patience I can muster is reserved for my lady of secrets. I figured after we were engaged, she'd open herself up a little more. Last night was a bit of an eye-opener for me, though. Her reaction when I opened the door, I could tell she had been crying. I have a feeling that the last time she was in a similar situation, the results were much different.

When I got home, I needed her. I needed to be close to her, after the bomb that had been dropped on me. I needed to feel the comfort of having her with me. She needed the reassurance of knowing that I was still there to be with her. Sexually and emotionally she bared herself to me without uttering a single word, needing me as well, but in a different way. I will always be here for her, no matter what. We will always find a way.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I've never taken Jules on a proper date. We've had many lunches, dinners, breakfasts, and coffees, but never a real date, aside from our first. Never anything fancy. In an effort to create the perfect experience, I took the liberty of arranging our wardrobe for the evening. Actually, Laurette did, and at a quarter to five my secretary, Brandy, knocks on my door.

"Come in!" The door opens, and I see her standing there, arms full of plastic-covered garments, and another bag with shoeboxes.

I stand and rush over to help her, taking them from her arms, and lightly scolding her for not asking for help. "Thank you, Brandy. Why didn't you yell for me? I would've helped you."

"It's no big deal, Mr. Edmunds. It looks harder to handle than it really is." She sees the red fabric of Jules' dress escaping slightly from the white plastic covering. "That's an excellent color. For Ms. Morreau, I assume?"

This is odd. It's the first time I've actually been confronted about Jules and me. I know everyone knows about us, but I've never heard anyone talk about it.

"Yes. You are correct."

"She'll look stunning." Her choice of words is perfect and sincere.

"Yes, she will."

I know she will. I don't even need to see the rest of the dress to know that. I know how the color will accent the smoothness of her skin, and how it will bring out those amazing green eyes. I know I'm in trouble. Tonight my thoughts mustn't be focused on getting her out of it, but that will be a difficult feat. I want tonight to be special, to emphasize the feelings we share. It's apparent that we both need each other's strength to get through something that neither of us knows the details of. But I have to assume that we are keeping our secrets for the same reason, to protect each other and ourselves.

I hang the garment bags on the coat rack, set the bag of shoes on the floor and turn back to Brandy, who's still standing there.

"Is there anything else you need, Mr. Edmunds?"

"Not today. Why don't you go ahead and leave a few minutes early? I'll see you in the morning."

"Thank you. Have a good evening." She leaves and I pull my phone out of my pocket to text Jules.

Me: I have something for you. Come to my office.

Jules: You'd better still be dressed

Me: I hope so too, my door is wide open

Jules: On my way

She walks in a minute later with a smile on her face. After this morning, I wasn't sure I'd see a smile until later this evening, and even then, I was only hoping.

"What are you up to?" She's looking at me quizzically.

"Our dinner plans. We don't have time to go home to change, and these rags," I say as I motion to our professional business attire, "just won't do." She looks down at her outfit and back up at me, questioningly.

"Okay? So what are we going to do about it?"

I reach over to the coat rack removing her bag and I hand it to her, then go back to pick up her shoebox. She looks at me with curiosity and surprise which tells me this is all going in the right direction.

"We'll change here. Consider yourself Cinderella. No fairy godmother, but you now have the dress and the shoes to enjoy an absolutely wonderful evening with the prince of your choice." I point my fingers to my chest, indicating that I'm the prince in this story. "But unlike Cinderella, I promise everything, the shoes, the dress, and the prince, won't disappear at midnight. Well, the dress might, you may keep the shoes on if you wish." Instantly, thoughts of her before me, wearing nothing more than a pair of fairy dust covered heels, race through my mind and bring a mischievous smile to my face.

She closes the distance between us, and with my office door wide open, she kisses me. Not long and hard, but short and sweetly. "How did I get so lucky finding you?"

"You didn't, I got lucky finding you."

Julia

AT FIVE O'CLOCK, I GO to the restroom to change into the dress Derick gave me for dinner tonight. All of this is right out of a fairy tale, and I'm won over by the excitement of feeling like a real princess. I settle the hanger on the door hook and take to removing my clothes, not at all worried that they are falling to the floor, in a semi-public restroom. I lift the plastic off the dress and gasp at what I see: It's red, beautiful, and sexy. I run my fingers over the silky red fabric. I can't recall ever wearing something so beautiful, except for perhaps my wedding gown.

When Alex and I started dating, we were young and had no money for fancy, elegant dinners. When we finally had money, we had kids and never wanted to go anywhere or celebrate anything without them. This night will be among the many firsts that Derick has brought into my life.

Pulling the zipper into its place, where it stops to rest at my lower back, I realize that I was right to remove my bra but because of that, I also notice how bare I am left. The dress itself leaves very little to the imagination, but from the waistline up, my back is left completely uncovered. I step out of the stall and up to the mirror. Wow! Whoever picked out this dress must like Derick a lot. Seeing it on the hanger, I thought it was sexy, and I still do, but it's a classy sexy. Fitting all the curves of my waist and hips, and cut a couple of inches above the knee. The front is fashioned low to drape over my breasts, so just a hint of cleavage can be seen. I remove the shoes from the box, a pair of iridescent, glittered heels. A little higher than I'm used to, but definitely doable.

My thoughts go to the comment Derick made about keeping the shoes on after the dress disappears. After seeing them, and with that in mind, I think I may be adding another first to my list tonight. I brush through my hair, freshen up my eyes, and apply just the lightest touch of gloss to my lips. I hope that when I walk out there, he sees what he hoped for. He had made comparisons to princes and princesses and even as a child, wearing fluffy dresses and fake crowns, I never felt more like one than I do at this moment. Which is very fitting, because he's the one that rescued me.

I walk out to see him standing there, waiting in the entryway, in a black suit and red tie. My prince. I walk towards him slowly, enjoying the fact that given the look on his face, he's not disappointed by what he sees.

"You're gorgeous."

"You're pretty handsome there yourself."

"Like the shoes?"

"Love them."

"Good." With a wiggle of his eyebrows, I know where his thoughts are, and I like it. "Our car is outside. Are you ready?"

I see that my coat and purse sit on the reception counter, and he grabs the coat and holds it for me to slide my arms in. "You thought of everything didn't you?"

And handing me my purse he says, "I hope so."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When we get downstairs and step out onto the front walk, I expect to see our car. So I'm puzzled when I see a black sedan and chauffeur, who opens the back door when he sees Derick. He places his hand on the center of my back and leads me to our waiting _carriage_. Ushering me in first, he shares a knowing look with our driver and joins me inside.

"You have gone above and beyond, Prince Charming. Wherever are you taking me?"

"You will see soon enough, princess."

The sun has set and all the lights of the city are giving their finest show. Through the windows I watch, trying to figure out where we're going, but also knowing I really do want it to remain a surprise. Excitement boils inside me, and I like the burn it leaves, almost as much as the heat that Derick's touch leaves on my upper thigh. He's watching me, I can feel him. I like knowing this, that while I'm watching the scenery fly by outside the window, he can't take his eyes off of me. Love and lust permeate the space we occupy, creating an obvious and mutually desirous energy.

We pull up to the Ritz-Carlton Hotel, and the car comes to a stop. I love this city, but this is another place I've never been. The chauffeur exits and reappears to open our door. Derick steps out first and holds out his hand to help me make my exit. We walk in and find our way to the elevator; upon entering he presses the illuminated number four. Exiting the elevator, Derick leads us to the hostess podium and gives her his name.

Without any wait at all, we're lead to a table near the window, which gives us a beautiful view of the Paramount Theatre on Washington Street. There are blue lights bouncing off the floor-to-ceiling windows, and a crystal votive holder with a burning candle in the center of the table. Lying on the side of the table, nearest the glass, is a bouquet of roses. Knowing that the number of roses holds a message, as I take my seat, I also take to counting them. There are fifteen.

"Fifteen?"

"I'm sorry." Tonight was not just a date. It's an apology. "Need I say what for?"

My mind flutters back to the conversation in my office this morning. "I think I know. I also know that you told me earlier that you were sorry, and your words were all I needed to forgive you."

"I just need you to know one more thing then."

"What's that?"

"I love you more than anything. I never want to hurt you again."

"I love you too, and I know."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The evening carries on with a view that could only be triumphed by one of the man I was here with. We enjoy a fantastic dinner, easy conversation, and nearly two bottles of expensive, very potent red wine. Needless to say, we leave the restaurant feeling more than just a little randy for each other. The whole way home we are making out like teens in the back seat of the car and not caring that the driver is getting quite a show in the rearview mirror.

Once at the loft, I walk in and go straight up the stairs to the bed. I throw the bouquet of roses on the bed and turn back to my prince, who, after greeting Ginger, was quick on my heels.

"I don't want you to tell me with words or roses. I want you to show me. And I'm not referring to apologies. Show me you love me, that's all I need to know."

He doesn't utter another word as he closes the distance between us, not stopping until his mouth is on mine and his hands are on my bare back, caressing my skin before relieving the dress' zipper of its duty. Without much effort, the straps of my dress fell off my shoulders, weighing down its front and exposing my bare chest.

Our mouths search the other's carnally, causing us both to become breathless. He breaks the kiss, and as I fight for air, he moves to explore other parts of my body. My jawline, my neck, the hollow of my shoulder. Kissing, sucking, and licking my skin into a fevered frenzy. My inhibitions are numbed, but my senses uprisen, the burn in my belly and the ache between my legs becomes stronger with every touch. My hands pull at his tucked in shirt, removing it from my way, so that I too, can feel his skin. At my touch, he sucks in his breath, letting me know that my touching him has the exact same effect his touch has on me.

He lifts his head from my neck. I definitely have his attention now, and he's looking into my eyes, willing me to make my move. I pull on his tie, bringing him closer to me so that I can kiss him. I love his kiss alone, almost as much as I love what usually follows. Holding him there I'm able to make the connection. Soft and passionate, I'm captivated by his taste, by his smell. I start unbuttoning his shirt. One, two, three, seven, and now the tie. Pulling on the knot, the silk slides easily, to fall undone and hang loosely around his neck. I push his shirt open and touch him, raking my fingers through his chest hair, scratching him lightly.

He decides that the time has come to switch roles and kissing me a little harder than just a moment ago, he pushes the straps of my dress further down. I drop my arms to allow for its smooth descent to the floor and then step out of it. Now I'm left wearing only my heels and a pair of white lace panties. Grabbing me below my ass, he lifts me up, and I move my legs to wrap them around him. He takes us closer to the bed, and then lays me down, so my head is right next to the roses, and he takes one from the bundle. As he straightens up to stand between my legs, he raises my legs to rest them on his shoulders. He then begins grazing them lightly with the petals of the rose, from my thigh to my ankle, stopping at my shoe.

"These look much better right here than they look on the floor."

I only smile in return, because I couldn't agree more. He continues to brush the rose's petals over my body. Back down my legs, between my legs, over the skimpy panties I remain wearing, over my stomach, across my nipples. His intention is clear, and my body is reacting as requested. I'm panting, begging for him. He follows the flower with his eyes, poetically, touching me twice as he goes on.

When my silent pleas exceed want, but express need, he places the rose's stem in his mouth, between his teeth, and lowers himself to me. He brushes his lips over mine, nudging them open to accept the rose. I take it, and in that moment of pure erotic nature, I never noticed that all material separating us has disappeared, and he's nestled himself between my legs. Ready for him, so ready I can wait no longer, he makes his entrance. Throwing back my head and arching my back off the bed, I've never felt so completely filled and, because of the erogenous nature of our foreplay, my orgasm hits almost immediately and with a force I've never in my life experienced.

He works masterfully, and my body responds to his puppetry, as he causes wave after wave to crash over me. Finally satisfied with the pleasure he's brought me, he allows himself to find his release. With short, quick thrusts, he suddenly stops and holds himself inside me, as close as he can get, his body wrenching with small quakes. He collapses on top of me, resting his head between my breasts, struggling to even out his breaths. He finally is able to speak, though his voice is exhausted and raspy.

"You are amazing, Jules. Will you ever completely believe me when I tell you that?"

"I'm working on it, but you are the amazing one. I'm not an uncomplicated woman, and I don't pretend not to know this."

"Did I satisfy your evening's request? Can you see how much I love you?"

"You did and, yes. Yes, I can."

Derick

WEDNESDAY MORNING COMES WITH A bit of a headache, which I haven't decided whether it is a result of the wine or the internal warning signal telling me that keeping the nature of this meeting with Ann away from Jules, is a huge mistake. After last night, and not for the first time, I feel guilty about keeping this secret. I know she won't turn on me, she'll understand that the surprise is just as big for me. I also know that if there were ever two people together, able to make it through a situation like this, it's us.

Jules has woken up a bundle of energy. She's back to herself, and that alone makes me happy. As she hands me my coffee she asks, "Are we taking the train in this morning since your car is still at the office?"

"I suppose we can. It doesn't make sense to have both cars there."

"Hey, I thought of something this morning." I love seeing her this way, excited about what she's about to tell me.

"What's that?"

"We need a Christmas tree! It doesn't have to be a big one, and it'll fit in that corner, over there." She points to the corner, and I turn to examine her plan.

"You've got this all figured out, don't you?" She sets her coffee on the counter and walks up to me, slides her hands around my waist, and plants a quick peck on my lips.

"Yup, and it's our first Christmas. We should have a tree. This is our chance to start new traditions together."

"You won't be getting an argument out of me. When would you like to go?"

"Tonight if you would like, or we could wait 'til the weekend."

"If last night was any indication, you should know you have me wrapped around your little finger. You tell me when and where, and it's a plan."

She hugs me so hard, you'd think I just told her she could have a new puppy. She is, by no means, hard to make happy. The simple things, love and honesty, are all she wants. Love, I've got that one down, and hopefully I'll tame the honesty demon very soon.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Around nine, I get a call from Ann. Part of me wants to let it ring, but more of me wants to get this done and get her back to California as soon as possible.

"Good morning, Ann." I'm trying to fake a good mood, but recognize myself, that I'm failing.

"Don't try to sound so convincing. Okay, anyway, meet me at the medical center on Tremont Street in an hour. Will that work for you?"

"Yes, that's fine."

"All right. Text me your address so I can get the paperwork done when I get there, and we should be in and out."

"What do you need my address for?"

"For the results. They notify both parties by mail."

"Okay. I'll get it to you. See you there."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Ann and Connor are sitting in the small waiting room when I walk in. I walk over to them, not even trying to fake a smile, it's no secret that this is not where I want to be. Ann acknowledges me with a smile and Connor with bright eyes and bubbles.

"Hey, little guy." I hold out my hand and he grabs onto the finger with the same natural instinct Issac had as a baby. Followed by the instinct that says, _if I can hold it, it goes in my mouth._

"Would you hold him for a minute, so I can put myself together?"

"Of course. Come here, little guy." I lift him from her and sit him on my leg, supporting him in the crook of my arm.

"Not bad there, dad." she says, and I just glare at her. "Sorry." She breaks eye contact by focusing on repacking Connor's bag.

"Did they say how much time before our turn?"

"Um, we've been here for about half an hour, so, any time now."

"You understand, don't you? Why it's so hard to trust you?" I have to get that out of the way for two reasons. One, to reiterate that I don't trust her, and two, to see if she has enough human decency to admit why that is.

"I do. I just hope that one day, you'll get past the anger you have for me. At least for him." She gestures to Connor in my lap. "Can I ask one favor?"

Feeling defeated and disappointed with my attitude towards her, I'll consider whatever she wants. "Yes."

"Can I take a picture of the two of you together?"

It's a simple request, and one day, I may even appreciate that she asked, so my answer comes easily. "Sure."

She pulls out her cell phone and calls Connor to get his attention. As he looks to her, following her voice, I look too. The shutter sounds and her face lights up. She turns the phone to show me. "Thank you."

"Will you send it to me, please?"

She nods and her eyes gloss over. Then I hear my name.

"Edmunds. Derick and Connor."

I acknowledge the nurse, and stand with Connor, still in my arms. Ann picks up the bag and carrier, and then follows closely behind. Once in the room, I'm asked to sign the waiver, stating I understand the procedure, the time frame for results, and that I understand that said results can be used in court for paternity and custody proceedings. Clearly understanding, I sign the form without reading it for myself. Two mouth swabs later, Connor is none too happy. I can't blame him, and I'm thankful that he won't remember this experience. I have absolutely no trouble caring for this child because he's a child. Still so young, sweet, and innocent. What's not to love about that? But, I still don't feel the connection I think I should. But, I've done all I can for now.

Parting from them did not give me that sweet sorrow feeling, but I did try to memorize specific details of Connor quickly. His chunky little hands, his blue eyes with the longest eyelashes I've ever seen, and the two little teeth sticking out of his bottom gums. If he is mine, I'm already going to have to live with the time I've lost. The time that Ann stole, along with my trust. I'll want to be able to tell him what I know of the few good memories we had. But until then, the rest is left to science, and fate.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When I get back to the office, I go straight to Jules' office. I walk in with purpose and shut the door behind me. She looks up from the papers on her desk, a worried and questioning look marring her beautiful face.

"Is everything okay?"

"For now, yes." I walk behind her desk, I lean in placing my hands on the arms of her chair, giving her no escape, and I kiss her. There's only one thing I love as much as I love kissing her, and we can't do that right now. She kisses me back, not a hint of resistance. I pull back, knowing that if it were to go any further, I'd have a real issue. "Now, everything's perfect. I love you."

"I love you too."

"Let's get our tree tonight. I can't wait to have _our_ first tree, our first everything. The first of many things _we_ will have together." With a small part of the weight having been lifted from my shoulders for now, I can focus on the great and new memories we are making together.

"You're crazy, and I love it! Let's do it."

Julia

IT'S WEDNESDAY EVENING AND WE'VE just bought our first Christmas tree. Having kept only a few from my ornament collection from before, I decide we should start fresh. Derick picks out the star and he makes a beautiful choice. It is made with pieces of red stained glass, cut for the five points and circle in the middle, brought together as if sewn, with silver metal wire. It has a small string of lights up inside, that when lit, make the glass glow. I love it.

For the basic decoration, we agree on red silk bows and white lights. We rush home, overfilled with excitement, like little kids. Derick takes to putting up the lights while I make us cups of hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps. A bow here and there and finally, the ceremonial placing of the star. It is perfect! It may be because of a little too much schnapps, we may never know, but I decide a Christmas selfie is needed. We call Ginger over, and I set the timer on my phone's camera and prop it against the candle on the coffee table. Quickly taking my place next to Derick, the flash goes off. Laughing, I retrieve the phone to see how it turned out. It couldn't have been any more perfect if it was taken by a professional. Derick and I with Ginger in front of our first Christmas tree. We've just created our first family picture.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As busy weeks go, the week before Christmas offers no rest for the wicked. Both work and after work are loaded with things to be done. But, even with that said, Derick and I are back in our groove. Ann went back to California Thursday morning, and I could tell her absence put Derick at ease. I have no idea why she was here, but it flustered him, and _that_ flustered me. Sometimes, I barely know how to function in my new life, I don't need crazy ex problems too. But now that she's gone, I can definitely feel the difference. Thank goodness.

Thursday and Friday night we spend shopping for gifts that we should've bought weeks ago. I'm out of practice and, well, Derick's a man. Last minute shopping is in their DNA, so I let him take the lead, going along to add a special woman's touch here and there. All our gifts for his family have to go out no later than Saturday, and with second-day shipping to make it on time. Stressful as it may be, I do miss the camaraderie of the holidays, and because I've evaded it for all these years, I may be the only one of the thousands of last-minute shoppers, that finds it refreshing.

Wrapping the presents on the living room floor in front of the tree, I realize that none of them are staying here. It dawns on me that neither of us has brought up the subject of gifts. We do things for each other all the time, not because it's a holiday or because we have to. So, looking at the tree, I have an idea. It was one of my old traditions, one that I want to resurrect.

"I have an idea."

"What's that?" he asks while struggling with a bow. I reach over to help, the resolution being a feminine touch.

"Every year, I would like us to buy each other an ornament, something personal. A gift for Christmas morning. In a few years, our tree will be covered with sentimental pieces of us."

"I like that a lot. Speaking of gifts, what would you like Santa to bring you this year?"

"Absolutely nothing. After all, I've been a very naughty girl." I wiggle my eyebrows seductively.

"You say it like it's a bad thing!"

"I did not! But anyway, Santa came early for me this year. Right around two months ago, to be exact." There's instant recognition in the look he gives me.

"I guess we're both off his list then. I'm done wrapping for the night, how about you?" I look down at the few things left, they can wait until the morning.

"I suppose. Why?" He stands and holds out his hand to help me up.

"I think we should get started now so we can secure our names on the naughty list for next year too."

"Save Santa the trip?"

"Absolutely."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

Saturday brings on our trip to the post office, which I've decided is my new most hated destination. Jules warned me that this would happen, she also mentioned that the wait wasn't going to be nearly as offensive as the cost of expedited shipping. But, she stands here with me, trying to keep up a jolly holiday attitude. She does, nonchalantly, point out that last minute shopping may work when you're in the same city as the recipient, but not so well when you're across the country. I respond with a mocking _scrunchy face_ and she laughs at me, knowing that she is right.

After almost an hour and a half and a hundred and forty-seven dollars we are free and empty handed. Wondering what we will do with the rest of our day, Jules has an idea.

"At Quincy Market, right next to Faneuil Hall, they have all these little kiosks and shops. I'd like to go there to see if I can find a little something, for a special someone." She gives me a wink. "We can split up for a while and meet up for a late lunch at The Black Rose. And you'll also get to see the tree."

" _The_ tree? The one you told me about?"

"Yup, we didn't get there last week. It's another Boston must see."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We're not too far from the loft, so we drive my car back and take the train. It's not that bad of a trip: Arlington Station to Gov't Center, and then to Aquarium. Everywhere we plan to go is within walking distance from there. Jules is so in her element, every time we step into the city, I see something about her, a sparkle, that I don't see anywhere else. There's no chance she'll ever leave here, creating a very possible obstacle for the future.

Holding hands constantly, unlike the first time we went out together, she guides me down State Street, and surprisingly, even in the cold there's lots of foot traffic. Of course, natives don't think it's cold like I do. If there isn't snow, it's not that cold. Stopping at a crossover, where there's a cobblestone street to the right, she points ahead to the The Black Rose.

"That's where we'll meet up later. Now, the tree and more shopping!"

She's so excited and pulls me down the cobblestone street. Past an alleyway on our left, I can see groups of people, and hear carolers ahead on the right, and then, the biggest Christmas tree I've ever seen. It's two stories tall, or taller, and is decorated with lights and bulbs as big as beach balls. I've never seen anything like it in my life. I can now understand why this city puts sparkles in her eyes. When you consider all the history, art, and architecture, who wouldn't love it?

Although it's an impossible task to get the whole tree in the shot, I am the one to insist on a selfie this time. Cuddling close and holding out my phone, I lean in to kiss her as I hit the button but she also turns at the same moment. What we get is a picture of us looking at each other, backlit by thousands of twinkling lights. It's perfect.

Julia

WE BREAK APART AS PLANNED to shop in the marketplace. I knew what I was doing when I asked to come here, kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. I need to get an ornament for Derick, but I also need to get something for the kids. My choice to take Derick with me on Christmas Eve is still as certain in my mind, as it was the day I made it. He needs to know. If I keep this secret any longer, it will ruin us.

Looking through all the kiosks, most of them with sports gear from all our teams, I spot a cart with ornaments. I walk over to see what he has. Footballs with the Patriots logo, baseballs with red socks on them, first Christmas, and then I see it, a globe. I pick it up and let the ribbon dangle from my finger, and as it spins, I take in the distances, if even on a little ball, between where Derick came from, and where he is now. This one's it, and I have an idea. I pay the man for the first of many ornaments I plan to get him and put it away in my purse.

Perusing the other stands, I see ornaments for the kids too, just little somethings. Taking them a gift helps me to feel like I'm maintaining a motherly privilege and responsibility of long ago. It's small, but a necessary thing in my life, just like letting Derick in on that part of it is. I can't lose him; it's gone so far beyond the day I decided I wouldn't give him up. He's my air now, and when I thought I'd lost him the other night, my air was gone.

I know we settled on no gifts, but I decide to break the rule and pick up a few things for him. Given that he's told me he has no real sports team loyalties, maybe we can convert him to becoming a New England fan after all. I buy him the token Red Sox baseball cap, a Patriots scarf, and a Celtics T-shirt. I almost laugh out loud picturing him wearing all three at the same time, and given that I bought him no bottoms, just those three items, oh my. Yes, this Christmas will be a turning point for us. He'll know my deepest darkest secret, and my heart will be at peace knowing that the man I love will know everything, and love me anyway. A weight will be lifted from my heart and shoulders, forever.

When I think of how, in such a short time, he's come to mean so much to me, I still can't believe it. How, when I thought something had happened to him, I felt like life had been sucked out of me. It's then that I realized just how deep I am. I'm forever deep, there's no doubt, it's just like he promised. "We have forever now." Those words and how genuinely he said them still makes my heart skip a beat.

Done with my shopping, I head to the pub, a handled paper bag in my hand that I was sure to top with tissue paper so he can't see its contents. It's not busy in the pub, not for a Saturday night, but it's also only three days 'til Christmas. I quickly cover the space with my eyes, looking to see if I was the first to arrive. But, there he is, at the booth in the corner, with two beers already on the table.

"How long have you been waiting?" I ask as I walk up to the table.

"Only a few minutes. I ordered you a beer. Figured that if you weren't here by the time mine was gone, I'd drink it myself." His mouth turns up in a teasing smile.

I slide into the booth next to him and kiss his smiling lips. "Sorry, I ruined your plan, handsome."

"My plan was not ruined but rather enhanced, by now having a wicked, sexy woman to share this beer and the next one with. I'm a lucky guy."

"That you are, but we won't have the _who's luckier_ discussion, again. Not right now." I pick up my beer to take a drink, bringing the bottle to my mouth, then stop midway when I realize what he just said. "Wicked? Who have you been hanging out with? I've never heard you say that."

"I heard some kids in the marketplace say it. It wasn't hard to figure out its meaning by how it was used. Figured it was a _Boston_ thing, and that you might find it a little sexy." He moves his eyebrows up and down trying to be sexy, but looking a little dorky.

"Babe, everything you say is a bit sexy to me." And not being able to help myself, I lean in to kiss him again. I love kissing him. I do not, however, like being interrupted by cute, young waitresses while I'm kissing him.

" _Ahem_!" She makes that sound with her throat, the sound of being busted. I turn to see her standing over me and instantly feel the reversal of our roles. I'm acting her age, maybe twenty-two, and she's acting mine. With hardly what I would call a smile she asks, "Are you ready to order?"

"Uh, yes. I'll have a cup of clam chowder and a lobster roll." Then I turn to Derick, and he orders the same, but adding two more beers to his request. Once she's gone, I look at him with wide eyes and start giggling. "She's a tough one. I hope she's not studying to be a teacher. Those poor kids don't stand a chance."

He laughs with me, then says, "Maybe she doesn't have this." He puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me closer next to him, and I think I know the "this" he's referring to. "During the holidays, everyone is so focused on family and love. People without one or both of those things get hardened. It's sad really."

"I guess I know what you're saying. There was a time when the holidays did nothing but make me sad. I didn't want to ruin it for anyone else, but I was angry and jealous that everyone around me could enjoy it."

"And that's not the case anymore, huh? What changed it, that feeling?"

Turning slightly in his arms so that I can see him, I answer his question honestly. "Not what, who. You changed it."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

A little tipsy when we leave the pub, I am thankful for two things. The fact that we took the train and that alcohol warms you up a little because it is cold as hell outside. To try and change the mood of our waitress, Jules leaves her a generous tip and a short note. "Hope you have a Merry Christmas. It'll get better, I promise."

We laugh and joke on the train ride home, behaving like fun-loving college kids. Probably, but not intentionally, offending a few others on the train. I manage to, but don't want to keep my hands or my mouth off her. By the time we get home, it takes us no time to warm up. Not even making it completely through the door, before bags and coats are landing on the floor, and our hands are quickly removing the rest of the layers between us.

Lifting her, as I've become accustomed to doing, with her legs tightly wrapping around my core, I carry her up the stairs and to our bed. In minutes, our previously shivering bodies are now covered in sweat. A true testament to the power of body heat. With most of the alcohol's effect worn off, it's gone from _we can hardly wait_ to _we have all the time we want_. Our lovemaking is not hurried, but slow and sensual, the kind that could last almost all night. Kissing and touching along the way, exploring places you already know, but feeling as though they're new again. There's no doubt it will end, and happily, but it's the kind of sex that just feels so good and so connected, that you don't want it to.

Knowing that exhaustion will take us both soon, I roll off her and turn her so that I can lay behind her. I pull her close so that I can enter her again from behind while I spoon her. Her arm comes up and her hand slides behind my head, finger laced in my hair. My arm draped over her hip so that I can reach down and touch her nub, massaging it so that our passionate lovemaking will ultimately lead to our mutual release. She's panting now, and I can feel her starting to tighten around me.

Keeping the pace with my hand on her, and quickening my thrusts, I feel myself on the edge, just waiting for her signal. She goes almost rigid, clutching me from the inside, so tight my body stands no chance against it. We come together, her moans sounding like notes of music, beautiful and fluent. Then we both fall lax. Her hand comes to join mine, where it lies over her stomach. I don't move away from her, my plan was not to have to, and I intend to stick with that plan. She squeezes my hand, and I move my head just enough to kiss her temple.

"I love you, D. I'll love you forever."

The way she says these words; they go straight to my core. She doesn't say things she doesn't mean, and though I've heard them before, right now they sound different. "D," just "D." It's the way I sign notes to her, but she's never called me that. She's dropped another wall, or at least opened the door for me.

"I love you too, Jules." I whisper. I've said it to her a hundred times or more, but she doesn't hear it tonight because she's fallen fast asleep.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Early the next morning I'm up, as usual, before Jules. So I leave her to sleep while I take care of one of her gifts, or rather a gift I want her to give me. Her condo key hangs on the hook by the door, so I quietly grab it and my car key and slip out the door. She'll think I'm out running, so if she does wake before I get back, nothing will seem amiss. I get to her condo and park. Luck would have it that the doorman I know is on shift. I was a little worried about that, especially when it's time to leave. He waves me through, and I head up, on a mission.

Once in the front door, I waste no time getting what I came for. I walk to the cello in the corner and pick it up from the stand. Looking around, I assume she has a case for it somewhere. I set it back down and think for a minute. In a closet or maybe the spare room? It's as good a place to start as any. I open the door to the spare room, which is occupied by a queen-size bed and a nightstand, but no case in plain sight. I open the closet, and there it sits in the corner, score! I grab it and while turning to leave I look back in the room. There's a picture on the nightstand. I get curious and move closer to see it. Maybe it's someone from Jules' family, and maybe I can learn something about her from it.

It's a picture of a man with two children. A boy and a girl, but no Jules. Ex and kids? No, she doesn't have children. I'd know about them by now, and she told me she couldn't have them. The picture's not old enough to be of her, but I do know she has a brother. Maybe it's her brother or a roommate? Who knows? No mysteries will be solved today. I set it back on the nightstand and grab the case heading back to the living room to pack the cello, suddenly feeling like I'm being a nosy boyfriend.

Leaving the building, the doorman gives me an odd look at seeing the cello in my hand. Feeling like an explanation is due and not wanting him to think I'd just strode in and stole a possibly rare and expensive instrument, I smile and say, "For a Christmas Day performance." With that, I get a smile and a wave in return.

Mission almost complete, I stop for coffee and some Danish pastries and head home to find the still sleeping princess in our bed. That gives me the opportunity to tuck the cello in the living room closet, where it won't be found until I make my request on Christmas Day. Then I go back upstairs with the coffee and bag of Danishes in tow and climb back in bed with the love of my life.

Julia

I WAKE UP ON CHRISTMAS Eve already feeling the relief the day will bring. Having our first Christmas together and starting the new year with nothing between us is a thought that makes me calm and settles well in my heart. Derick did his usual thing, waking up early and going for a run. I wait until moments before he gets home to start my shower, knowing that he will join me. Showers together are now a morning ritual that I love and, sometimes, need more than a cup of coffee. But, as long as no one's making me choose between the two, I'll continue to have both, greedy as it may be.

I called yesterday to have a poinsettia and loaf of fresh pumpkin bread delivered to the office today, and I put the gifts I'd bought for the kids in a holiday printed gift bag out in my car. I told Derick I'd drive us in this morning. He didn't ask why or try to change my mind; everything is going as I planned.

We'd made an announcement yesterday, that the office would be closing at noon and that everyone would receive full pay for the day. It's something Miljone has done ever since I've worked here. Of course, I only appreciated it because it allowed me to get to Cambridge earlier, so that I could see my family, so to speak. This year, it serves that same purpose, but then I will finish the evening at home, in front of a fire with Derick and Ginger. How quickly everything has changed from all the years I spent alone, but somehow I'm now content.

There's not much left to do at work, because, with Derick's help, we are caught up and ready for the time off. We make such a great team, both professionally and personally. I sit at my desk figuring I should call Henry to let him know I'd be at the cemetery as scheduled.

Henry is a groundskeeper at Cambridge Cemetery. I met him the first Christmas Eve after the accident. I didn't want to go out on Christmas Day because I didn't want to interact with people, see families, have people say "Merry Christmas," when for me, there was nothing _merry_ about it. So, I went to Cambridge on Christmas Eve, to find the cemetery was closed. I stood there at the gate crying, upset that I couldn't get in to see them. Henry appeared. He's an older man, maybe mid-sixties, in overalls, a button-down wool coat, and one of those silly looking earflap hats.

"Can I help you, miss?"

"I don't think so, sir. But thank you anyway for asking."

"Given where you are, I needn't ask what brings tears to those lovely green eyes. But humor an old man anyway. Maybe I _can_ help."

"My family's in there." I pointed through the bars. "It's my first Christmas without them and the gate's locked. Had I known, I wouldn't have waited until today to come." A few more tears rolled down my cheeks.

"I do understand. I never did quite get why they'd be closed for the holiday, lots of people wanting to be with their loved ones that can't."

"I'll be okay. But would you mind doing me a favor?"

"What's that, miss?"

"Can you take these to their plots for me? And tell them I'm sorry?"

"I'll tell you what. I'm a sucker for pretty girls with green eyes, and I hate to see them cry. I'm going to let you take those gifts to them yourself."

An astonished smile covered my face and more tears spilled down my cheeks. He unlocked the gate and held it open for me to enter, then locked it behind me. "Thank you so much, sir." I hugged him, a stranger who just gave me the greatest gift ever.

"You go on now, but take your time. I'll be up around here when you're done."

When I was finished, which is a loosely used term, I went and found him where he said he'd be.

"I know you didn't have to do that, but I can't thank you enough. It was the best gift anyone could've given me. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Just plant a kiss on this cheek." He pointed to his left cheek. "And promise me I'll never have to see another tear in them pretty eyes again."

"I promise." I leaned in and kissed his cheek.

"I work every Christmas Eve. Wouldn't bother me at all to see you again next year." He smiled and winked at me.

"It's a date. What's your name?"

"Henry. Yours?"

"Julia. It was truly a pleasure to meet you today, Henry. Thank you so much."

"The pleasure was all mine, Green Eyes."

Every year since, I meet Henry there on Christmas Eve. I've learned over the years that he loves pumpkin bread and insists on calling me, Green Eyes. I've also learned that he works on the holidays because he too, has his wife there, and it's where he wants to be.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

At noon, Derick walks into my office.

"Are you ready?"

"Yes." I look around, making sure I've left nothing undone. "Yes, I'm ready. Let's go. Will you grab that poinsettia for me, please?"

"For the loft?"

"Uh, no. You'll see."

"A surprise, huh?"

"Kind of, I guess."

We get in my car, and I tell him I'm taking him somewhere, somewhere very special. I'm still sure I want to do this, but my hands are sweating, and my heart is beating so fast it feels as if it could jump right out of my chest. It's not the uncertainty of what I'm about to do, but the result it may have.

Even with holiday traffic, the drive only takes about thirty-five minutes. We pull up to the gate, and I park just past it. Derick has to have seen the sign that read Cambridge Cemetery, and I can only imagine what may be going through his mind. Soon, babe, you'll know everything.

"Ready?" I ask, not knowing if I actually expect him to answer. He's probably freaking out right now—I would be.

"If you are?" His question as an answer, is very suitable for this situation. Still holding the poinsettia he adds, "Does this go too?"

"Yes."

I exit the car and grab the bag of gifts and the loaf of bread from the trunk. I'm as ready as I'll ever be, and I lead him to the gate. I see Henry, walking towards the gate knowing I only have a minute before he makes the distance. I shuffle everything into one hand and grab Derick's with my free one.

"I love you. Remember that, okay?" I say it with all the sincerity that I feel.

"I love you. You, remember that."

Henry makes his way to the gate. He's a little slower than last year and has a mild limp on his right side, but his smile hasn't changed.

"Merry Christmas, Henry!"

"Merry Christmas to you, Green Eyes!" We embrace in a hug, many years between us now. Then he reaches out a hand to shake Derick's.

"Henry, this is Derick, my fiancé."

His eyes go wide at the announcement, but he smiles from ear to ear. "Had a feeling some young whippersnapper was going to come around and steal you away one day."

"He's new here, from California. Santa Barbara, right?" I look to Derick for confirmation.

"Yes. It's nice to meet you, sir." Derick gives Henry a respectful and firm shake.

I hand Henry the bread. "We're going to go-you know—now." I nod my head in the direction we'll be headed momentarily. "We'll be back in a while to visit more, okay?"

"Okay, Green Eyes. See you in a bit."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick and I walk along the path, hand in hand. He's still holding the plant and I hold the bag with gifts. As we get closer, I feel like I should say something, maybe lead up to the introduction.

"I'm sure you're curious. This is a little weird, I guess. I told you I had a painful past. Given our location, I suppose it's a little obvious. These people were, and still are very important to me. But you are very important to me too. It's time I bring these two worlds together." We stop in front of three headstones, the one in the middle larger than the two on the outside. "Derick, I want you to meet, Alex, Toby, and Katie Morreau."

He looks at the stones and back to me, looking like he's got an idea, but still questioning what this means. "They have the same last name, your last name."

"My husband, my son, and my daughter." I say pointing to each of the stones as I reveal its occupant. I thought I was going to be the one to pass out at some point, but Derick has gone pale on me. My new worst nightmare may be coming true as I speak.

Derick

IT IS OBVIOUS WE ARE here to see someone she'd lost, but I feel like I am hit by a tanker truck when she says it is her husband and kids. I am outside, surrounded by oxygen creating life, plants, and trees, but I can't breathe. This is big, but not in the way she thinks. The look on her face, she is panicked, her eyes filling with tears. Another glance at the stones, then back to her and all I can think to do is hold her. I place the plant on the ground and pull her to me.

We stand there for minutes, I have no clue how many. I just hold her tight and run my hand over her hair, kissing her head, and letting her cry. Another look at the stones tells me that this was almost seven years ago and all on the same day. By the time she releases from my grip, I feel I've regained myself. I'm ready to face this, but she's the first to speak.

"I'm so sorry. I know I should've told you, but I was afraid of this. If you can't —"

"Stop. I know what you're about to say, and that's not what's going to happen here. I'm not leaving." Her eyes, now red and swollen, gloss over again at my words.

"But I would understand. I should've told you, I was afraid you wouldn't stay. Afraid you'd find me broken, afraid you'd think I could never love you the way you deserve."

"I don't see any of that. I see you, the woman I fell in love with. The woman I promised to spend forever learning everything about. Knowing fully that you had a past. I don't see a broken woman. I believe I may very well be looking at the strongest woman I've ever known." The gloss in her eyes from seconds ago is now a river of fresh tears. I continue to hold her and will do so until she no longer needs me to.

It's hard to know what to say, what to think. There're a million words going through my mind, but none seems to be right, so I don't speak at all. If he were still here, I wouldn't be, but she would be happy, and I would have been none the wiser. If Ann had never cheated on me, there would be no question about Connor's paternity, and we might still be together. If. The biggest little word.

She breaks free from my hold and ends the silence, by speaking to them.

"Merry Christmas. I want you all to meet Derick." She grabs my hand so that I'm right next to her. "These years have been tough without you, but the last couple of months have been a little easier." She squeezes my hand, letting me know it's me that's made that so. "Alex, your poinsettia, to remind you of me and how you gave me one every year we were together." She picks it up, kisses one of the leaves and sets it to the side of his name, careful not to cover it.

"Katie, I decided to resume my ornament tradition. I know how much you loved that, almost more than anything else you got on Christmas morning. So, this year I got you one of a cell phone. You would've gotten a real one at this age, and there's no doubt, that in true fourteen-year-old girl fashion, I'd think it was super glued to your ear. Funny, but I think the fights we may have had over that would have been very interesting." She sets the ornament at the center of the stone.

"Toby, the new PlayStation came out this year, so I got you a game controller. I'm sure that you would have been addicted to online gaming. No doubt you'd be making friends all over the world and never leaving your room any longer than it took to eat. Or so, that's what I hear happens nowadays." She places his ornament, facing outward, as though she was placing it in his hands.

She kneels in front of them and keeps talking to them. "Work is still there, but I've cut back. That's how I met Derick. He and I share a position now, and well, it leaves less for me to do. He's a lovely man, and he takes care of me. I love him, and he loves me. I'm a pretty lucky girl to have him. So, you won't have to worry about me being alone anymore." I feel like I'm intruding on a very personal moment. She doesn't ask me to give her time alone, but to be honest, I'm not sure she's still conscious that I'm even here.

"I love you all so much and miss you every single day. But," she pauses and turns to look at me, holding my eyes while she says the next words. "I'm okay now. I'm living again."

She kisses her hand and presses it to each of the stones, murmurs words that I can't hear, and then rises to her feet and comes to my side. She grabs my hand and leads me away. I look back once more to take note of the one detail all three stones have in common, besides the name. The date: January nineteenth, two thousand seven.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia

We walk for a few minutes in silence. He's giving me time and leaving it to me to decide when I've had enough. My heart finally feels free, as I knew it would, knowing that I'm not hiding this from him anymore. I drop his hand to move closer to him, and instinctively his arm goes around me. I feel I need to say something, but I don't know what.

"So now you know everything. No more secrets, I promise."

"How did it happen? If you don't mind me asking."

"Car accident. The morning I was hired at Miljone."

"Jules, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I can't imagine."

"The other night, when you got home late. I thought it was happening again. I survived it once, Derick. I'm not sure I could do it again."

"I'm not going anywhere. Ever." He kisses the top of my head and we just walk.

Taking our time, we walk the scenic route around the grounds, which takes thirty minutes or so before we meet back up with Henry. He's made coffee and the bread is set out and ready to cut. It's a nice way to end the trip, visiting with him, telling Derick the story of our meeting. Besides Frank, Henry is the only other person I'd call my friend. We only see each other once a year, but the time we spend together is more valuable to me than he knows. I don't know what I'll ever do when he's gone. I can always pick another day to see Alex and the kids. Enough time has passed now that I could concede to that, but seeing Henry, I can't even think about it without getting sad.

When we leave, I give Henry a kiss, in the same place on his left cheek as I did that first day I met him. "Take care of my Green Eyes, Derick."

"Yes, sir. I will." The men exchange a look and a handshake. Then they both smile at me.

"You two, stop it already! D, let's go home. Good night, Henry."

"Good night, Green Eyes!"

At the car, I ask Derick to drive. I'm weightless as I expected to be by finally telling him the truth, but exhausted just the same. Of course, he agrees but reminds me that he doesn't exactly know the way and that I'll have to stay conscious to give him directions. I agree to the terms, but I fall asleep anyway. I'm awoken as he lifts me out of the car. I tell him to put me down, that I can walk, but he just keeps going.

"I got you, babe. We're almost in."

He carries me in and up to the loft, carefully laying me on the bed. He undresses me and tucks me in under the covers. But in a last burst before the knockout, I recall the words in my mind begging to get out.

"Nope. I got you, babe." Then, I'm down for the count.

Derick

WITH JULES FAST ASLEEP UPSTAIRS, I go back down to the kitchen to spend some time alone. I pull down a bottle of brandy from the cabinet over the stove, and then grab a glass and a handful of ice cubes. Filling the glass about half full, I sit there for a moment, shaking it to chill, then throw it back. Once the liquid's burn starts to dissipate, my thoughts slow down, and I'm able to think clearly again. With Jules passed out in the car, I didn't have to speak, which was a blessing because she couldn't misinterpret my silence. My thoughts were so scattered and moving so fast that I had no idea, if I were to have spoken, what would have come out of my mouth.

Today was really something. It was definitely not what I expected when she told me she was taking me somewhere, to be introduced to her departed family. And now, I'm sure that the picture I saw in her apartment was them. It's hard to believe she wouldn't have told me something like this, but at the same time, I understand. When she said painful past, I envisioned asshole exes, cheaters, and liars. I never thought it would be an unimaginable loss. Now, I'm able to piece together some of the things that have happened and some of the things she's said. Now, they all make sense. Like her reaction the other night, she told me herself that it triggered her worst fear and brought back the past. The biggest fear I have now is, having to tell her about Connor.

How can I ask her to accept him if it turns out that he is mine? When I thought it was just that she couldn't have children, I envisioned her being able to embrace him as her own. There's absolutely no doubt, she'd be a wonderful mother. Now, knowing that she's lost two children and is unable to have more, it's just too much. I don't know that I can ask her to do this. The way she is with Issac is amazing to watch, and I had my hopes up to watch her with our kids one day. _Our_ children, not mine with another woman. A kid that I didn't know about until a week ago. I don't know how she'll handle it. If he is mine, I may lose her.

Why is it, that after years of Ann denying me, she's able to give me a child, when it's not her I want one with anymore? After she turned my world upside down? After I've found the woman I want everything with, but may never have it? Damn her! I pour another glass and toss it back, deciding it'll numb all these thoughts and help me sleep. The burn is not so harsh the second time around, and tonight, clarity and relief live in the golden brown liquid. I'm not going to let worrying about that test ruin my Christmas with Jules. There's no sense in making any decisions or admissions about anything, not until I know for sure.

I get up and go to the closet where I've been hiding the gifts I got for her and a box I received from my parents a couple of days ago. First I pull out a set of three stockings that I bought in the marketplace. I hang them over the fireplace, one on each end and one in the middle, perfect. I place one wrapped box for Jules from me under the tree along with Ginger's gift, the box from my parents, and a couple of other little things in her stocking. I know she said she didn't want anything, but that made me _want_ to get gifts for her. It's actually one of my favorite things about her, she wants nothing but my love.

Lastly, I remove the cello from its case and lean it against the wall by the tree. The cello is not a gift for her, but one more part of her I'll ask that she share with me. My plan for tomorrow is not to let anything ruin our day. Not her past, not my past, and definitely not unknowns of the future.

I put the brandy back in the cabinet, give Ginger a scratch and a pat, and place the slat in her dog door before heading up to bed. Dropping my clothes on the floor next to the bed, too relaxed at this point to care, I crawl into bed. Jules snuggles up to me, resting her head on my chest and with her arm around my waist, she pulls herself closer to me. I look over at the clock, and it reads 12:04 a.m.

"Merry Christmas, Jules." I whisper before kissing her on the head and wrapping my arms tightly around her. Thinking she is asleep, I don't expect her to reply.

"Merry Christmas, D. I love you." Her voice is sluggish and uncontrolled, as if she's talking in her sleep.

She doesn't move or say another word, but she heard me, and though, only subconsciously, she responded. I'm sure she isn't actually awake, but it doesn't matter because even in her subconscious, she says she loves me. After the events of the day, she knows it's _me_ holding her now.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Christmas morning brings a wake-up call of kisses on my chest and hands roaming over other, more easily excitable parts of my body. This is already the best Christmas ever. I lie still for a couple of minutes allowing her to think I'm still asleep, leaving her to her mission, eager to see just how far she'll go.

She's relentless in her assault because she knows how to touch me, how to bring my body to life. For an instant, her hands leave my body, only to return to my chest a second later as she's moved to straddle me. Her lips are on my jaw, her hair tickling my chest and the side of my face. Santa left me a vixen.

"I know you're awake," she whispers. "You try to play possum, but your body betrays you."

"How could I possibly sleep with you trying so hard to wake me up?" No doubt she feels how hard I am and her sitting over me is not changing that anytime soon. She continues to nibble and kiss my neck now.

"I may be trying, but you're the one that's hard." What's gotten into my sweet, submissive woman? Whatever it is, I think I like it.

"My goodness, woman!" I raise my pelvis to press harder against the warmth of her sex. She sits back, circles her hips and grinds against me. Her nipples peak and beg for my touch, but my hands go to her hips, holding her to me, urging her movements to heighten my need for more.

"What's the first thing we're going to do for our first Christmas together?" I ask.

"You promised me a naked day." A vixen-like grin plays on her beautiful face.

"We are naked." I'm so ready for her that I lift her hips, allowing enough room for my hardness to spring up. When she eases back down, she slides easily onto me, and if it is any more possible, I just become harder.

"We are. Oh, D!" she calls out. I'm guiding her motion, setting a pace and depth that I know will take us both to a trance-like state, both of us so lost with each other and the feeling. Her sounds of pleasure are feeding my lust and I absolutely love to hear her say my name.

Letting go of her hips, I pull her down so I can kiss her. The combination of the two best things I've ever felt, me inside of her and my lips on hers. She kisses me hard, her tongue dancing in my mouth, her taste is amazing. I am by far the luckiest man ever.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia

I am straddling him, kissing him, making love to him, and feeling for the first time that I'm giving him all of me. I knew that he was awake as soon as I kissed him, touched him. His body did exactly what I knew it would do. His breathing changed as he involuntarily reacted to me.

Now, together, slow and smooth, there's no rushing anything. This is our day together, and we can spend it however we like, and I like how it's starting. He feels so good inside me, constantly fueling the want for more. He's always had a way of knowing just how I need him and when to change it up. As soon as that thought comes to mind, in one swift move, he rolls me onto my back, taking the upper hand. Turning it up, he pulls out slowly, then thrusts into me, burying himself inside me, leaving no part of him exposed. We are physically as close as we can ever be, nearly one.

Again and again, he is working us both to our breaking point. The pleasure is indescribable, the connection unbreakable, and the passion between us is something I thought to be unattainable. My body is aching for release. I grab his face pulling it to mine and begin to kiss him hungrily, finally taking his bottom lip between my teeth and biting lightly. He reads into my action and with short, quick, grinding strokes, causes us both to fall from that mythical ledge that delivers us to pure bliss.

"Oh, Derick!" I can't stop the exclamation from coming out of my mouth. I've never been a talker, a screamer, or verbal in any way during sex, but with him, I want to. I need to. And I want him to know, especially now, that it's him that does this to me, no one else.

He buries his face in the crook of my neck, still breathing hard, kissing and sucking on my sweaty skin between deep breaths. It's forty degrees outside, but it's like an oven in here, our heat radiating through our quarters. I glide my fingers over his back and shoulders, loving the weight of him on me and pulling him closer. He makes me feel safe and secure. As our breathing returns to normal, he lifts his head and softly kisses my lips.

"Merry Christmas, Jules."

"Merry Christmas." I giggle and wiggle beneath him. "It's a good thing we knew Santa wasn't coming to visit _us_. I'd hate for him to see all the naughty things we do."

"Aw, he'd be jealous, and he'd try to take you back with him. I'd have to kick Santa's ass, making me the most hated man in the world."

"Not even Santa could take me away from you." I kiss him softly. That statement couldn't be truer. No one holds a candle to him. "I need coffee. Not that I need it to wake up, you did an excellent job of that, or was it the other way around?"

"Team effort. I'll go and get it made. Besides, Miss Ginger needs to be let out." He rolls off me and even though he's just across the room now, I miss the closeness of him. He pulls on his plaid pajama pants and moccasin slippers, then returns to the bed, leaning over it to kiss me.

"I'll be down in a minute," I whisper before I kiss him back.

I watch him bounce down the steps, noticing he never bothered to put on a shirt. I guess it's impractical to think we could spend the whole day naked, but being that he's still naked on the top, I feel it's only fair to play along.

Julia

COMING AROUND THE CORNER, AT the bottom of the stairs with my red bag in tow, my senses immediately zone in on the essence of freshly brewed coffee. It's instantly followed by the sound of popping grease and the smell of bacon. He's so amazing. I walk towards the tree, _our_ tree, and the fireplace catches my eyes. The logs are lit and hanging from it are three stockings, with his, mine, and Ginger's names on them. My eyes start to tear up, he's making this so real, and by far the best Christmas I've had in years.

I go to set my gift bag down, and thinking that I'm not seeing clearly due to the tears, I walk closer to the tree and realize there's something tucked behind it. I'd recognize the wood anywhere, it's my cello. My prince has been very busy.

Blinking a few times and patting my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt, I walk to the door of the kitchen and lean against the frame, just watching him. He's going about his way, almost dancing as he cooks and looking ever so sexy while he does. The bacon pops, and it hits his chest, causing him to bounce back. I jump from my place at the door, running to the sink to wet a towel with cool water. I hold the cloth to his skin, the closeness causing warmth to spread through me.

"It's not usually a good idea to cook bacon without a shirt on, my silly man. How's it feel? Is the sting gone?"

"Is this what I have to look forward to with you?" I'm stunned by his question, afraid that I've done or said something wrong.

"What exactly are you referring to?" My response is hesitant and laced with insecurity.

"You, rushing to take care of me. You, appearing from nowhere when I need you. You wearing the shirt, I'm being scolded for not wearing." He cocks an eyebrow, and a small chuckle escapes him. I feel it vibrate from deep in his chest where my hand is still held against it. The feeling of angst lifts from me as I realize I'm not being chastised for my actions. He wants to make sure I _will_ do all these things. He wants to know that he has it to look forward to.

"Is that going to be a problem?" I say with the look and attitude of someone who's up for a challenge.

"Never."

"Good."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After the best egg, bacon, and English muffin breakfast sandwich ever and partners dish duty, we move into the living room with freshly filled cups of coffee. Derick, sets his coffee on the corner of the coffee table and sits on the floor, crawls towards the tree and takes a very odd shaped present from beneath it. Sitting back on his heels, he calls her.

"Ginger. Come here, girl!" She pads over to him and sits in front of him, waiting patiently. He holds the present up to her nose and crinkles the paper. Her tail starts to wag and her front two paws dance with excitement. "What is it? Huh? Is this for you?" She barks, letting him know that it's time to give it up. "Okay, girl. Here you go. Merry Christmas, Ging!"

She paws and tears at the wrapping until it's gone, then carries her new bone to her pillow. By the look of it, she's a very happy pup. He turns to me as I sit on the couch, witnessing the sweet moment between them.

"Ready?" I can only manage to nod my head approvingly. "Come join me." I get up off the couch, intending to move to the floor, but he stops me. "Grab your stocking first."

I look at him quizzically, knowing he didn't stick to the no present agreement any better than I did. I take it off the hanger and sit on the floor with him, keeping a couple of feet between us so I can see all of him.

"What's in there?" He nods to the stocking.

"Let's see." I stick my hand in and pull out a small wrapped gift. Smiling ear to ear, I set down the stocking to open it. After removing the wrapping, I see it's a key chain, and it has pictures in it. One side is of our family selfie we took after decorating our tree, and the other of us in front of the Christmas tree at Faneuil Hall. "I love it!"

"There's more," he says, but I'm not worried about me. My joy is in watching him.

"I want you to open one too. Here." I reach into my red bag and pull out a gift for him.

He squeezes it a little, shakes it, and holds it to his ear, before taking to removing the wrap. He pulls out the long red, white, and blue fabric and reads it aloud. "New England Patriots? Are you trying to convert me into a New England fan?"

"When in New England. You, yourself told me you have no sports loyalties. Well, around here, that doesn't fly." I take it from his hands and place it around his neck, pulling him in for a kiss. "Looks pretty sexy on you too."

"Making it my new favorite. Open another."

I reach into the stocking again pulling out another present. It's an envelope. I open it to see ferry tickets to Martha's Vineyard for this weekend while we're off.

"I've never been there before." I'm embarrassed to admit this. I went from never having time, to never making time and not wanting to go alone.

"Neither have I. Tomorrow, that changes for both of us." Another first. They are certainly starting to add up.

I give him another, his very own Red Sox baseball cap. He puts it on and poses. "What's the sexy factor on this one?"

"Very high. Off the charts."

"Then I love it! There's one more in there." I reach into my stocking and pull out a small square box that's not wrapped. I look up at him, and he motions for me to open it. It's a necklace with a charm. The charm is a key, and it's beautiful.

"It's perfect!"

"When I bought it, it was meant to symbolize you holding the key to my heart, but after yesterday, I think it's safe to say that now, I also hold the key to yours. I entrust you to protect it for both of us."

"Will you help me put it on?" I hold it up to him, turn and lift up my hair. He connects the clasp and kisses my neck. I can't see it, but I put my hand up and touch it. I turn back to him and look into his eyes. "Two locked hearts that found the holder of their key in each other. It's very poetic."

"When you say it like that, yeah."

"You have one more too, but it's silly in comparison to this."

He opens the shirt, and after he gets a chance to look at it, I quickly grab it away to keep him from wanting to put it on too. I like that he's shirtless and wish to keep him that way.

We each have one more gift. He takes mine from under the tree, and I remove his gift from my bag. We exchange them, but I set mine on my lap so I can look on as he opens his, wanting to see his face. Under the wrapping is a satin covered box, the lid that flips up is secured with a button and loop. With finesse, he opens the box and takes the ribbon at the top of the ornament to pull it out. He holds the small globe up at eye level and watches it spin, then stops it with his other hand so he can focus on my artistic additions. On one side of North America, I circled California, right about where Santa Barbara would be, and on the other, I made a heart around Boston. I connected them with a slightly curved line and beneath it wrote: "I found my heart in Boston J & D 2013."

His lips turn up into a smile, and he looks at me, his eyes turning misty. He doesn't have to say anything, and I know exactly what he's thinking, because, like the necklace he got me, it carries meaning for both of us.

He clears his throat to speak without cracking. "Words that have never been more true. Thank you. Now open yours."

I tear off the wrapping to find a box similar to the one his came in, but longer and a little heavier. I undo the button from the loop and lift the lid, and gasp at what I see. Cautiously, I pull it from the box. It's a single glass rose, protected by a glass dome. Holding it up to watch it dangle, I notice words are painted along the bottom edge. I read them quietly as I turn the ornament in my hands.

"From love at first sight to the love of my life, you will always be my one and only ~ D 2013." I'm not able to stop the tears from falling down my cheeks. I set the ornament on the table and practically jump into his arms, kissing him passionately. He bought that before he knew my secret and now, even after knowing, he still gave it to me, just like the key. I never imagined I would have this. One thing I do know is that neither of us is responsible for this gift we've been given, because all along, I had three angels watching over me. They brought him to me, of that I'm certain.

Derick

I HAVE SUSPECTED THAT SHE isn't wearing anything under my shirt, but it hung long enough for me to be left wondering. When she throws herself into my arms, that wonder ceases to exist. Feeling her, hotter than ever through the thin fabric of my pajama pants, turns me on like I've never been before. Learning that such a small gesture could mean so much makes me absolutely sure that every feeling I've had to this point is real. There is no stopping the connection being made right now because she is in charge. Taking my new cap off my head and pushing me down to lie on my back, I am at her mercy.

She slides down my body, kissing my chest and nibbling at my stomach. When she comes to the waistline of my pants, she looks up at me through her eyelashes and smiles while she pulls them down just enough for my hardness to spring loose. Still keeping my eyes locked on hers, she licks me from the top to the bottom before taking me into her mouth. Slow and soft. With no force or urgency, she continues her seductive assault, but as good as this feels, I want to feel her.

"I want to feel you, Baby." Yes, she's in charge, but she readily gives in to my request.

She moves to position herself over me and as she sinks down onto me, so does the top half of her body so that I can feel her peaked breasts press against me through her shirt and her mouth meets with mine. In front of the fire and the Christmas tree we make love. She doesn't know it, but she's given me the best gift ever. Better than the Tonka truck I got when I was five, or the BB gun when I was twelve. Today I didn't just give her the key to my heart and receive the key to hers in return. I feel like she's given me her entire heart.

We lie there for a while, she's tucked under my arm, with her head on my chest. She's writing on my chest with her fingertip, and I swear if I concentrate, I can feel the words "I love you." I know that no matter what happens, we will get through it together, always. There's not one part of this woman that can't love, in fact, she probably values love more than anyone because of what she's lost. I'm not ready to tell her about the possibilities just yet, but I'm confident that the answer won't matter.

After an hour or so has passed, my phone receives a text alert. At first I imagine it's Ann, but I'm happy when I look at the screen to see that it's my mom.

Mom: Are you two awake?

I look at the clock on the mantle and see that it's almost eleven, making it eight in the morning back home.

Me: Yes we are

Mom: We're going to FaceTime you

Before I answer her back, I want to give Jules a heads up. Her hair is a beautiful mess, and she's still only wearing my shirt. Now that I think about it, I should put on a shirt.

"Mom's going to FaceTime us." Her eyes go big as she probably realizes the _just fucked_ hairdo she's likely to have. She bounces up and heads for the stairs.

"Five minutes! Do you want a shirt?" I answer my mom back with a quick response.

Me: Give us five minutes

"Sure, babe." As soon as the words are out of my mouth, it flies over the banister and floats to the floor. I laugh, then remember my new Celtics shirt and pick it up instead. I pull it over my head, fix my scarf, and grab my new hat to put it back on my head. I'm not much of a hat guy, but if Jules says it's sexy, that's all I need. I find it a little amusing to see her scurrying to get ready for this call. Even with _just fucked_ hair, she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

She comes back down still wearing my shirt, but has put on a pair of yoga pants and has tamed her hair in a braid. She walks over to the table where she left her ornament and picks it up by the ribbon.

"Come on. Let's get these on the tree."

I lift mine from its box and act as though I'm searching for the perfect spot to hang it. Letting out a satisfied "Ah ha," I hang it and arrange it so that Jules' writing shows once it settles. She hangs hers right in the center and tucks the lights behind it so that the ornament itself appears illuminated. I stand behind her, wrapping my arms around her, and I rest my head on her shoulder.

"It's perfect!" She turns her head to catch me in a kiss when my phone starts to go off indicating the call from my mother is coming through. I pick up my phone and hit the accept icon, not at all prepared for what is about to happen.

"Merry Christmas!" It is so loud that Ginger looks up from her bone in surprise. It was everyone. My mom, dad, Carrie, Tim, and Issac, all yelling the words as loudly as they could muster. Jules and I burst into laughter but return the salutation.

"Merry Christmas!" We say together.

"Well, don't you two look beautiful this morning," my mother says.

"It's already eleven here, Mom, we've been up for a while already. Now, how you got Carrie up and over to your house so early is the million-dollar question," Derick teases, knowing his sister can hear him. The camera turns just a little until we see Carrie's face, with her tongue sticking out at us. "Hey! Not in front of Issac!" I tease and laugh because I just got to scold my sister for the same behavior she scolded me for the last time I saw her. She just rolls her eyes and waves me off.

Speak of the little devil, I can hear Issac, in the background. "Ju, Ju, Ju."

Jules hears him repeating the name he gave her, and happiness causes her eyes to gloss over. His face appears on the screen, and Jules leans in a little closer to see him.

"Issac! Hey, buddy, Merry Christmas! Did Santa come see you?"

"I got a pwane, Ju."

"Wow! That's pretty cool. Is that what you asked for?"

He nods his head exaggeratedly, as confirmation. "Now, I come see you. I fly."

"I'd love that, buddy. How about, I come see you soon?" His eyes go big, and his smile couldn't get any bigger. His mom leans in on him and whispers something in his ear, obviously reminding him of something. You can almost literally see the light bulb come on.

"I made you a pwesent, Ju."

"You did?" She says to him and then looks to me. I reach down for the box I received from my mom a few days ago.

"Did you get our package?" my mother asks.

"Yes, it's right here. I was waiting 'til we talked to you to open it. Did you get ours?"

"Yes, we did. We waited as well. Honey, open the box. Issac's present for Julia is wrapped in blue snowman paper, he picked it out." I look inside and see it immediately. I can tell he helped wrap it too. I hand it to her, and after first making sure that Issac was still paying attention, she starts tearing back the paper. She pulls out a necklace made of colored macaroni and holds it up in front of her.

"It's beautiful, Issac! Did you make this for me?"

"Yup. I painted and got messy."

"I love it, buddy." She lifts it over her head and settles it around her neck. "Thank you, Issac. Ask mommy for your gift."

Carrie hands him his packages, and he makes short work of shredding the gift wrap. Seconds later we hear excited screams as he unveils a new baseball, Red Sox, of course, and a stuffed animal Green Monster.

"Issac, those are from Uncle Derick and Aunt Ju," I say, while we still have his attention. Well, while Jules does anyway.

My timing was perfect too, because we get a quick, "Thank you, D and Ju," prompted by his mom, and he's off. Airplane, baseball, and monster in tow.

"Derick, there is one wrapped in silver paper with a red bow. That one's for Julia." Jules and my mother look on as I take the box and look inside for the gift. I spot it but decide that now is a good time to have a little fun with these women.

"I don't see it, Mom. Are you sure you packed it?"

"Yes, I'm sure! Look again. I know it's in there." I shuffle around the presents, making convincing noises.

"Mom, it's not in here."

Jules tries to look over into the box, but I angle it so she can't see. She smacks me on the arm.

"He's messing with us, Liz."

"No, I'm not. The only present I see in here that's even close to her description is this." I hold up the shiny gift for her to see.

"Derick Edmunds!" my mother yells. "You nearly had me convinced that I hadn't packed it. You're rotten! Are you sure you want to marry him, Julia? I don't think I'd fault you right now if you said no."

"I'll handle him, Liz. I might make him wait a little longer as punishment, though." She smiles at my mother, then looks to me with her chin lifted and a smug smile, one that clearly says "I can and will."

"The hell you will. I'll take you kicking and screaming if I have to." I put the gift back in the box and turn to her, advancing with tickle ready hands.

"Stop it!" she begs. "Liz, help!" Already she's teaming up with my mother. I love it.

"Leave her alone, son!" My head snaps up to my mother's image on the screen.

"Taking her side already?"

"We Edmunds women will stick together." She gives me that look. The one that, as a child, made me stop in my tracks and re-evaluate my decisions. But, I can see her looking past me to Jules, with a smile in her eyes. I think my mom loves her as much as I do. I'll stop tickling her for now but will take full advantage of her ticklish tendencies later when parental eyes are no longer watching.

"Fine!" I hold my hands up in the air. "You two win. For now."

"Thank you, son. Now, give Julia our gift, please." I have no clue what it is, but have a feeling, it's as much for me as it is for her.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia

Derick hands me the package from his parents. It's a box about the size of a letter-size envelope, covered in shiny silver paper with a red bow that leaves sparkling red dust on my lap. I have no doubt that this gift, whatever it is, is special. I pull at the bow, loosening its hold so that I can slip it off, then carefully lift the edges of the paper so that I'm able to take hold of the box between my fingers and pull it out.

I lift the lid to reveal an envelope, with my name beautifully written at its center. With an excitement I haven't had in years, I peel off the golden seal holding it closed and pull out the folded paper inside. I unfold it and start reading it to myself, only to have tears fill my eyes. I look to Derick, wondering if he knows about this. His questioning look tells me he has no clue.

"What's it say, Julia?" Carrie asks. I make eye contact with my future in-laws, and I do believe that what I hold in my hands is, for just this moment, a secret between them and myself. I take that moment to collect myself before I read it aloud.

Julia,

You have touched not only the heart of our son

but ours as well.

We could never ask for someone that

could better complement our family.

Whatever your dream, we want to help

make it come true.

Our gift to you, on our first Christmas as a family,

is a wedding as beautiful and extraordinary as you are.

We love you, just as our son promised we would.

Love,

Liz & Allen

I let the tears fall, knowing there's no sense in trying to hold them back.

"Thank you, both. This is amazing."

"We know you don't really have any family. We would love to do this for you. For you both."

I look to Derick, who is just as surprised as I am. He didn't know about this. Looking into his eyes and back to the screen, where Allen, Liz, and Carrie are looking back at me, I see _my_ family, and in that instant, I make a decision. I look back at Derick.

"I want to have the wedding in California."

I hear gasps and giggles from the phone and the smile that lights up his face tells me my decision was right.

"Did you hear that, Mom?" Derick says to his mother.

"I did. Are you sure, Julia? Our gift wasn't given to sway any ideas you may have already had for the wedding."

"I never thought so, Liz. Honestly, I want to have it there. It may be the only way you'll ever get me out there." Both Derick and I laugh.

"Well, I think we'd love that. You just tell me when and what you want. I'll handle everything."

I look back at Derick. "I'd love to get married on the beach. Truly connect the East Coast me, with the West Coast you." He leans in and kisses me softly.

"Anything you want." He means it when he says it, he'd give me the stars if I asked for them. "Mom, did you hear that? My fiancée wants a beach wedding."

"Perfect! I'll start getting together some venues for you to look at, right after the holidays."

Derick leans in and whispers in my ear, "You have no idea how happy you've just made her."

"You, have no idea how happy you've made me."

Julia

AFTER WE GOT OFF THE phone with the family, I decide that we need a little relaxing in front of the television while watching Christmas movies. Derick doesn't mind because it means he can cuddle with me on the couch, and he'll be able to doze off without my noticing. Truth be told, I do some dozing myself.

While asleep, I dream of our wedding. I guess with the gift we received from his parents, it all seems so much more real now.

I see us on the beach just before sunset. A light breeze makes sure that my hair doesn't stay in place, but I don't care. I've decided that the only true perfection stems from imperfection and that it'll take more than a misplaced hair to ruin this day.

_We decided to forgo some of the traditions of marriage, such as not staying together the night before the wedding, and my being given away. After all, anyone close enough to me who could take that role is gone. Liz had a fit about the first, but I reassured her that there would be no_ funny business _until after we said "I do." She and I have gotten so close during this experience, and she knows I can be one tough cookie. The perfect match for her son._

There's a circle of rocks at the end of a walkway that's lined with small torches, where Derick and our minister stand talking. Derick's wearing a gray linen shirt and white linen shorts. He's so handsomely casual, and I'm glad we decided to avoid suits and ties for this occasion. He can't see me watching him, but his actions convey that there's not a nervous bone in his body. His mother comes up behind me, and looks to see what has my attention.

" _He is quite a sight, isn't he?" She asks, knowing the answer already._

" _That he is. I wish I could be as comfortable and confident as he is. It's a quality I'm jealous of, but admire all the same."_

" _He feels the same about you, you know? He admires your strength. You think you feed off of his, but he also feeds on yours, as it should be."_

Looking at him, I see a future I never thought possible. How lucky was I to find the love of my life for the second time? The music starts, a chorus of strings playing "Here, There And Everywhere" which Derick chose. Liz kisses my cheek and pats my shoulder, then leaves to take her place to be escorted to her seat, starting the wedding procession.

Issac carries the rings, matching his uncle in a gray shirt and linen shorts. Everyone awes and giggles at him, as he is the cutest and most charismatic ring bearer ever. Carrie, who's happily showing a baby bump, and Tim follow him down as matron of honor and best man. I've become close to Carrie with all the planning over the last few months. She's the sister I never had, and I can't wait to hold my new niece in a few months.

As it's my turn, I walk to the start of the path and stop, taking in a deep breath. Walking alone, I start making my way towards him. He stands there, watching me intently as everyone else does. I'm wearing a long chiffon dress with one strap over my right shoulder, leaving the other exposed, and with no train. I just love how that same breeze that rustles my hair also causes the thin fabric to flare just a little with my steps.

Derick keeps his eyes on me, and I lock mine with his, knowing that his are the only eyes that really see me. They're the only eyes I want to look into for the rest of my life. I see our whole life together in those eyes.

As I approach the circle, I slow, thinking that the minister will not be asking who is giving me away, but he does. I stop and seconds go by. I'm embarrassed and confused that there's no one to speak for me. I look to Derick, lost, needing him to find me. Then, in a soft whisper, I hear them.

" _We do," Alex, Katie, and Toby say together._

I turn to see them and wonder if anyone else can. I look back at Derick, who smiles and holds out his hand for me. I look back at them expecting them to be gone, but they're still there.

" _Go, Mommy. Your prince is waiting for you," Katie says, shooing me with her hands._

" _You deserve this, Julia. We want to see you happy again. I'll always love you. That's why we brought him to you." Alex smiles._

" _He loves you too, Mom. Go." Toby, my boy of few words._

" _Okay, I'll go. I love and miss you all so much."_

" _We know. Now, go." As the words come from Alex's mouth they all fade away._

It appears as if no one else witnessed any of what just happened, as if moments for me were but mere seconds to everyone else. Derick still holds his hand out to me, and I know without any doubt, I'm meant to take it.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'm awoken by Ginger barking and a knocking at the door. Derick wiggles behind me and kisses me on my forehead as he gets up from the couch. He walks to the door like it's not a surprise to have company today when everyone we know is either across the country or at least out of town. I stay in my place on the couch, wrapped in a blanket to stay warm while processing the realism of what obviously was my dream, a very good dream. Derick holds a short conversation with whoever is at the door. He then grabs his wallet off the kitchen counter and hands money to them, wishes them a Merry Christmas, and now with a large box in hand, shuts the door. Finally leaving the winter cold to its place, outside.

I sit up on an elbow, looking at him with narrowed eyes, wondering what he's up to. He hurries to the kitchen, with the box in tow.

"What's in the box, D?"

"Dinner!" Now I'm really curious.

"You ordered takeout for Christmas? You're kidding, right?" He pops his head out of the kitchen doorway.

"I didn't order takeout, but, yes, I had food delivered." Back to the kitchen he goes, and now I hear the faucet running.

I get up from my warm place on the couch, on a mission to crack the secret of the delivered box. As I come through the kitchen doorway, I catch him red handed, lifting a live lobster from the box and into the sink.

"Lobsters!"

"Massachusetts turkey!"

"Whatever!" I say as I smack his arm. "You're going to cook those?" Now he has the surprised look on his face.

"Not to go all caveman on you, but I thought you would cook them. I'll help, but I've never done this before."

"Neither have I!" His look goes from surprise to stunned.

"You're kidding, right? I thought all New Englanders knew how to cook lobster."

"Well, it's not rocket science, but no, I've never done it before, not alone anyway. I'm sure I helped a time or two when I was young, but as an adult, I order it off the menu, let the chef handle it, and pay the bill." Like a boy, ideas of mischief and adventure shine in his eyes.

"Another first for us. This should be fun." He leans over and steals a quick kiss.

"The firsts. They just keep on coming. You better go and get your Google on. We need to figure out what we're doing here before these suckers walk back towards the bay. I'll find a pot."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

I knew I couldn't go wrong with the lobsters. When Laurette mentioned that her nephew made deliveries on Christmas Day for extra money, not only was I sold, but I promised to make it worth his while. Laurette has become a friend of mine over these weeks, and though she tells me I'm hopeless sometimes when I call her for help, she also tells me that if she had a son, she'd want him to be like me.

My plan for this afternoon is to have a nice early dinner of lobsters and wine with my princess, make love to her once, or maybe twice more, then ask her to play for me. She's had to have noticed her cello by now but hasn't mentioned it at all. For now, I take that as a good sign, that she may be willing to share another part of herself with me. I want every part of her, all that she's willing to give me, whenever she's ready to give it.

Yesterday, going to the cemetery showed me that she wants to let me in. Which, in turn, makes me want more, but also heightens my protective instincts when it comes to her. I don't want anything ever to hurt her again, especially not me.

As if my mind was being read, I receive a text from Ann. Attached to it is a picture of Connor. He's sitting on the floor in front of their tree, presents all around him, but playing with an enormous pile of wrapping paper instead. The smile on his face is beyond happy, and you can even see the white speck from where his two front teeth have finally come in.

I rub my thumb over the picture, feeling guilty that I'm missing it but quickly reminding myself that there may very well be no reason for my guilt. She lied, and cheated, and kept him from me from the very moment she knew he wasn't Michael's. I have yet to see proof or to feel it in my heart that what she tells me is the truth, especially since she has a very twisted meaning of the word to begin with. But, I text back anyway.

Me: Tell him I said Merry Christmas

That is all. I won't ignore him and possibly regret it one day, but I won't do what she wants either by giving in. Not until I know for sure. I turn my phone off and set it on my end table, sure that there's no one else I need to talk to today. The rest of this day is just for us, Jules and me.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After dinner, which was an adventure in itself, as I never knew there was an art to eating lobster, I'm cursing myself for letting Jules have so much wine. When this woman has too much, which I've seen before, she's funny and charismatic, but I wanted her to play for me. I highly doubt that playing cello is done well while intoxicated, but maybe I'm wrong. Most famous musicians admit that creativity is at its best while the mind is compromised. I guess we will see. There's still time.

She's cleaning off our plates at the sink when I come up behind her. I circle my hands around her waist and kiss her neck, trying to make her easy task more difficult. Her breath hitches but she keeps on, all intentions set on showing her ability to evade my advances, so I become more aggressive in my actions.

I slip my hand into the loose waistband of her pants, stopping only long enough to acknowledge that she has nothing on beneath. She's not let up on her work but is nearly done when I deepen my reach to come into contact with the vicinity of heat that I crave. She throws her head back against me, her sense of touch definitely in a heightened state. I stroke her sensitive flesh and she circles her hips making it so I hit the right spot with every rotation.

My pursuit is relentless, knowing that I have the ability to bring her the body's greatest state of bliss without traditional methods of sex. This is true intimacy, where nothing more than a touch is needed. I kiss her neck as I continue to touch her until finally her body tenses and her breaths become short and uncontrolled. She relaxes against me while she collects herself and reaches a hand up to curl around my neck.

"You are unbelievable. Do you know that? Has anyone ever told you that?" she says to me, and for a second, I think before I answer.

"Not the way you just did."

"I want to show you just how much I mean what I say." Her hand slides between our bodies. Usually, I wouldn't say no to her advances, but I see my opportunity and seize the moment.

"Play for me."

Julia

I HAD A FEELING WHEN I saw my cello there that this request would come, and mixed emotions flooded in my head every time I looked at it today. I never played for someone before, not solo. Alex never even knew I played at all, which makes this a liberating experience but liberation does not dismiss anxiety. Thankfully my anxiousness is numbed slightly by the wine from dinner, but the real compulsion to do this comes from wanting to show Derick just what I'm willing to do for him. After yesterday, all the walls are gone, all but one. With that one exception, I'd do anything for him.

"Okay." I turn to face him, grabbing his face between both hands, and I kiss him. "I'll be right back."

I go up the stairs to the bedroom and into the bathroom. When I emerge again, I've conveniently left my pants behind. I want this to be the most intimate and erotic experience ever. When I come back down the stairs, I see that he's sitting on the couch, two freshly poured glasses of wine on the side table, and the only light comes from a couple of candles, the tree lights, and the fireplace. He's placed one of the dining room chairs in the center of the living room space so that he's the center audience, and on the chair, sits my bow.

I stop and pick up a glass of wine, taking one final drink of liquid courage before I begin. Then I retrieve my cello from where it sits by the tree. I go to the chair, pick up my bow and take my seat. I know as I open my legs to nestle the instrument between them that he now has noticed that I'm wearing nothing but his shirt. And although this plan is orchestrated to bring him pleasure, I'm finding my own as the indirect pursuer.

"Any special requests?" Not that I know a broad range of songs, or that he would name a piece I do know, but my asking feels seductive in its own way.

"Musician's choice." His voice is low and tempting, the kind that sends heat straight to your core. He's on the field, and his game plan is identical to mine.

I lift the bow and place my left hand on the neck of the instrument, positioning my fingers over the strings. Having no real clue as to what I'm about to play, I set my bow and draw it back. I close my eyes and allow my instinct and relationship with this instrument to take over. Suddenly, I'm lost in the notes, knowing each one, but their combination is new. I'm not only playing for him, I'm also composing for him. This is a new song, his song.

I want to see him. I want to see if he can feel this like I do. I open my eyes, and I see how intently he watches me. I know he sees me as no one else can, but I've never seen him look at me like this. He's not just seeing me, not just watching me with his eyes. He feels what's in my soul. This is literally the highest level of intimacy I've ever reached and it feels incredible to be so bare.

After minutes of playing, repeating the notes in a way that doesn't sound monotonous so that I can remember his song, he stands from the couch. I continue, without falter, as he comes to stand behind me. He leans down and brushes his lips over the right side of my neck, leaving that familiar tingle behind. Still, my notes continue, as if I'm somehow charming him with my music, willing him to seduce me.

I can feel his breath on my skin, and I want nothing more than to turn and surrender myself to him, but I feel like this, continuing to play while he entices me, is my surrender. His mouth comes to my ear.

"I want to play it with you." Only a whisper, but also a powerful request. One that is not expected to be disregarded.

My bow stops, and I tilt my head back to see him. "Okay."

There's not enough room on the chair for him to slide behind me, so I stand and motion for him to sit. He does, and I hand him the bow so I can adjust the tail gut on the cello for the extra height. I take my place on his lap, draping each of my legs over his, then pulling the cello between them.

"Put your right hand over mine. Hold it gently and move with me."

"What about this hand?" He says, holding his left hand in the air. I let the cello rest between us and take his hand in mine.

"Right here." I rest it on my left thigh, completely aware of it being a dangerous move.

I place my hand on the fingerboard and start to move the bow, drawing it slow enough for him to keep up with my movements. We play his song but in a slower tempo. The feel of his breath on my neck, his hand on my bare thigh, and his hand over mine as we glide over the strings is like nothing I've known. We're completely aligned in a way that isn't sexual, but still completely arousing. I've never before felt so exposed, but the freedom to be this way with him is exhilarating.

I'm lost in the notes, never having had them affect me this way. Since high school, my music was private, my therapy, my way to self-heal. But this, this is me at my rawest possible state, and Derick is the only one ever to see me this way.

The heat between us is growing, both of our bodies reacting to the closeness and the music we're creating together. His hand is flowing with mine as if we are one. I can feel his heartbeat against my back, his hardness growing beneath me, and his mouth closing in on my exposed neck. When his lips finally touch me, it's like the strike of a match, the fire is lit. It's all I can do to focus on our hands, but even in the seconds when I find that impossible, I realize that this isn't just his song, it's _our_ song, and it's playing itself.

His free hand moves from my thigh, making its way under my shirt, and cupping my breast. I can't help the soft moan that I make when his bare skin touches mine. I throw my head back further, urging him to take more of me, but the music doesn't stop. There's a throbbing between my legs, and I silently beg for him to touch me there, to subdue the need before it becomes unbearable.

"Touch me. Please." I'm begging because I need this more than I've ever needed physical contact with another human being.

He moves his hand from where he held my breast, allowing his fingers to glide down my ribs and waist until he connects with the place between my legs that aches for his touch. An irrepressible sigh escapes, and finally, I miss a note.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

I've never found a woman so sexy and so utterly irresistible but I also want to take my time, pushing both our limits until the need is beyond control. She maintains control, the music flowing consistently and without flaw until I do as she asks. As soon as I touch her, feeling the warmth of her arousal, my fingers barely testing her entrance, the music stops. She leans into me further, tilting herself to meet my hand. Hungry for what I can give her, but I'm even more so for her.

I take the bow from her hand and gently toss it to land on the coffee table. Then I take the cello and lay it on the ground. Placing my hands on either side of her waist, I lift her to her feet, and I turn her to face me. She does as she's led, without question or resistance. I stand too, and as I do, I grab the bottom of her shirt, lifting it over her head. She's so fucking beautiful.

I just want to touch her for a moment, to look at her as she stands here before me. I start by caressing her cheek with the back of my hand, then brushing my thumb over her bottom lip. Softly down her neck, continuing down the valley between her breasts. She focuses on me, completely trusting me with every move I make.

I circle each breast then move on in my pursuit. When I reach her waist, I sit back in the chair and pull her closer to straddle my legs. I kiss her stomach and hold her to me, allowing my hands to cup her ass and squeeze it gently. Slowly, I guide her to sit on my lap, trailing the kisses that I started lower, up to her chest. Supporting her in my arms I lean her back so that I can take her nipple into my mouth, teasing it with my tongue. Her breaths are deep but even, and small needy, wanting sounds emerge from her mouth as she grinds gently against me.

Gradually her movements become stronger, and she anchors herself by grabbing the back of the chair. I keep to my task, using my mouth to assault her breasts, her nipples maintaining rigid, firm peaks. She's going to cum any second now, and then I'll seek my own release. But she's first, her needs are my priority.

I reach between us, sliding my hand along her opening, then sinking my finger inside her. She nearly screams, conveying the obvious pleasure it brings her. A few more skillful strokes and her hands go from the chair to my hair, lifting my head from her breast so that I'm looking straight into her eyes. She says nothing and I don't need her to. She presses her mouth to mine aggressively and without apprehension. When her orgasm hits, she whimpers into my mouth but never breaks the kiss. Her body's gone tight while she rides it through.

Breathless, she tilts her head so that our foreheads are pressing together, but there's very little space between our mouths.

"You didn't think you'd get all that, did you?" She says still slightly winded.

"That I didn't. You were amazing, that song. That song, what was it?"

"I've never played it before. I made it up as I went along. For you."

No words have ever turned me on more. I'm going to have her again, and there won't be any element of romance. Pure and animalistic passion is what I want. I stand, sweeping her up with me. Her legs wrap around me, and she initiates another deep, hungry kiss. Not being able to see where I'm going, we end up against a wall. This will do. She's holding on so tight that I'm able to reach down to lower my pants, I'm so ready for this. I need this.

With no patience, I push inside her. Holy. Shit. There's no way I'm going to last long, but I'll be damned if I'll waste one second. I bury myself in her, and she gasps into my mouth. I draw back and repeat my movement until her body starts to squeeze around me, like a heartbeat, pulsing with power. Two more thrusts and I can't hold it anymore. I let my orgasm go with hers and our mouths together swallow each other's moans, transferring the orgasmic energy of each to the other.

I stumble to the couch, my legs spent, and I sit down with her legs still wrapped around me. She relaxes into me, and we both take the time to catch our breath. I don't care what I have to do, but that cello, it's staying right here.

Julia

THREE WEEKS HAVE PASSED SINCE Christmas, which was a significant turning point in our relationship. I still can't believe I was so scared to tell him the truth. I now know it was all about me and my fears. Hindsight being what it always is, I think I was just scared of him leaving. Scared that I would lose him and I couldn't stand to lose the first person I loved after all this time.

But now I think that if I had ended up losing him over the truth, it would have meant he wasn't the one and the sacrifice would've been unavoidable. But the truth brought us closer and made us stronger. Together _we_ are indestructible.

I will never forget the days we spent together over that long weekend and leading up to the New Year. Our cruise to Martha's Vineyard, movie marathons on the couch, and walks with Ginger in the park. The first two days back at work were slow and uneventful, which was good because we were running on a skeleton crew.

Derick and I spent New Year's at home, just the two of us with Ginger. I'd always believed in this silly superstition that, whoever you were with at midnight on New Year's Eve would be in your life the whole year through. For the last almost seven years now, I spent it alone. I wasn't willing to believe in something that may not happen. Then again, I hadn't met anyone that I wanted to stick around that long.

A fire lit, two bottles of champagne, and hours of making love was how we rang in the New Year. While lying in bed, we talked about the wedding. I asked him what he wanted, but of course, he generically answered with, "Whatever you want, is what I want." At that point, I became very grateful to have the two women that know him better than anyone helping to plan this event. But talking about it with him made me more excited about it. That and the dream I had on Christmas Day. Any question I had about this being right is gone, not answered, just vanished.

New Year's Day was spent moving. Derick suggested that I officially move into the loft with him. I haven't spent a night at my place since before Thanksgiving anyway, so his idea made perfect sense. Aside from the fact that the conventional _waiting for marriage_ to have sex is an idea long lost. We practically live together anyway, almost literally spending every moment of our lives side by side.

I'll keep my place, maybe sublet it out for a while. I'll figure it out later, I'm in no hurry. I would've suggested we move in there, but Ginger needs more. My place is bigger, but his place is home. Maybe one day we'll get rid of both and buy something together, maybe. For now, I'm fine with what we have.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sunday comes along and with it, a date I'll never get out of my mind, January nineteenth. Finally, a year when I don't have to take this day off or spend it alone. Today, it's been seven years. Derick knows what today is, I know he does, because in the early morning hours while my subconscious acknowledges the date and I cry softly as history replays in my mind, he holds me. He doesn't say a word, he just holds me in his arms and lets me cry. I've never had anyone to do that. I've always isolated myself on this day, wanting to be alone, but this year I feel fortunate to have him here.

He leaves to go downstairs to fix coffee, but before he leaves, he kisses me on my forehead and says, "I love you." I'm taken back to the last time I spoke those words to Alex, the last time he said them to me. These three little words were all I needed then, and they're all I need now.

I get myself up and into the shower, allowing the hot water to clear my head and hoping it can cleanse me of my melancholy. I know I'm allowed to be sad, to cry, to feel whatever I need to today. There are no rules or limits for grief, but for a change, that's not how I want to spend this day entirely. Instead of keeping all my feelings in, I want to share them. I want Derick to know my family, especially the kids. I know that even though Alex is gone, there may be limits to what he'll want to know about us, but the kids are different. I've kept them all a secret for so long that being able to talk about them is a newfound freedom that I want to enjoy and explore.

After my shower, I dress and go to my vanity to get my necklace that Derick gave me for Christmas. I don't go a day without wearing it, as it's become a security blanket I keep snuggly around my neck. Before I revealed my secrets, he intended to give it to me, and after my secrets were no longer, he still gave me the key to his heart. The necklace, of course, is purely metaphorical, but I love being able to touch it. It reminds me how deep and real this is.

I can't help but smile as I see he's placed a single rose on top of my glass jewelry box. I lift the rose to my nose and try to remember what he told me a single rose means. _Love at first sight_ or _my one and only_. I figure at this stage, it's the latter. I must say, I'll never tire of the messages he gives me with the roses. They make me feel as if the meaning is sometimes so powerful that words aren't enough. The roses, with a secret language of their own, are able to show it as well as say it. They were essential in our beginning, and I hope they remain so until the end.

I lift my necklace out and place the rose inside before closing the box. Now with my key in place and Derick downstairs, I feel like I actually have the desire to get through this day. In fact, I have a plan in mind, and I need to move before I lose my nerve. It's time I pay a visit to a place I used to hold so dear and with Derick by my side, I feel that I finally have the strength to go.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

She's not herself, which is to be expected, but she's better than I thought she'd be. When she comes downstairs, she is quiet at first while drinking her coffee but she surprises me halfway through.

"I have somewhere I want to go today." She says out of nowhere. Given the date, I'm not sure where _somewhere_ is, or if she has plans to go alone.

"Where's that?"

"I'll tell you when we get there." We. She wants me to go with her. Any other day this wouldn't be a surprise, but today, it means so much more. True, she's told me about her past, but she hasn't told me every detail. Maybe this means she's ready to share more.

"Do I have time for a shower?"

"We have all day."

I kiss her on the top of her head as I walk by. In her emotional state, I'm afraid to overwhelm her today. I've decided to just be here for her and let her make the big moves. Kisses on the head, hugs, and holding her are safe moves, anything more will be her call.

While in the shower, I think of how I've never dealt with this situation, someone who's suffered so much loss. Not on any level. Any other day, I have no reserves on how I behave with her physically, but today, I'm just not sure. So, my plan is to go anywhere, do anything, and be anything she needs.

I come down the stairs, ready to go. She's still sitting at the table with her coffee but looks up as I enter.

"Did you eat?" I ask. I understand that food is probably the farthest thing from her mind right now. She shakes her head. "That's okay. We'll have a good lunch. Whatever you want." With that, I get an affirmative nod. "Are you ready?" She takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly.

"Yes." She grabs her coat and keys. I get my coat and follow.

For the first few minutes in the car, she says nothing, the look on her face conveying that she has reservations and is still convincing herself that her plan is a go. I reach over to take her hand that lies loose in her lap. She squeezes her fingers around mine, holding them tight, and I see the concentration that held her just a moment ago shift to a calmness.

I see that we're heading the same way we did when we went to the cemetery. It makes sense that she'd want to go there, but then she pulls down a residential street and in front of a house, where she parks, and turns off the engine. She stares at the house across the street, and we sit in silence for a few minutes before she starts to speak.

"I haven't been here since I sold it. Not even a drive by. I had everything I ever wanted in that house. A husband, kids, a dog. Ironically, I lost everything I ever wanted while in that house." She takes a deep breath, then continues. "I can still see them in the yard, when the kids were little and Sam was a puppy, playing in the piles of leaves as Alex and I raked them. I wanted to be so mad at the three of them for destroying all the work we'd done, but seeing how happy it made them, it soon became nothing more than a task of keeping the pile high enough for them to play in."

She's lost in a moment, narrating it as she sees it. I squeeze her hand a little more to encourage her, to feed her strength.

"It was the last place I saw them too. The last time I kissed them, told them I loved them, and said goodbye, though I didn't expect it to be. Sometimes, I still ask, why? Why was I chosen to endure this pain? But there's no answer, is there?" This time, she squeezes my hand, then turns to look at me. "I guess I'm just lucky to know that I don't have to go through it alone anymore."

"No, you don't." I lift her hand to my lips and kiss her knuckles, holding them there at my lips. She's not alone anymore and never will be again, she has me. She turns back and looks silently at the house. I know I'll never know every detail of her life, and some things are probably better left unknown. Anything I need to know, she'll tell me in time. I have trust in that.

Before we leave her old house, I encourage her to switch seats with me so I can take over the driving. Not far down the road, my phone rings, but because I'm driving, I don't answer it.

"Do you want me to get that for you?"

"No. It can't be too important. The only person I need to talk to is you, and you're here with me. If they leave a message, I'll call back later." She smiles, and I squeeze her hand that has been in mine this whole time. She needs to go to one more place before lunch. She hasn't asked, but I know she needs it as much as she needed to go to the house.

I stop at a convenience store to run in and grab something for Jules and ask for directions to the cemetery. She didn't ask me to do this, and I hope I'm not crossing a hard line. When I return, I have with me three roses. She looks at me questioningly, but I don't offer an explanation. As I steer us towards the cemetery, she puts it together. When we get there, I follow the roads through to get as close as I can for her. I encourage her to go while I stay in the car, allowing her to talk to them in private. She may have things to say that are easier without me there.

While I'm in the car, my phone rings again. Given that I have a few moments, I answer it not looking at the screen first, instantly wishing I had.

"Derick, it's Ann."

"Hello, what's going on? Is Connor all right?"

"Yes, he's fine. I waited for you to call, and when you didn't, well I got impatient."

"About what, exactly. I didn't know you were expecting me to call."

"I got my results. I just figured you'd gotten yours too."

"No. I haven't, but since you have yours, you might as well share."

"It's positive, Derick. You're his father."

I can feel the blood drain from my face, and when I first open my mouth to speak, nothing comes out. I look over at Jules, as she sits on the grass in front of their headstones.

"Derick. Are you still there? Derick, say something."

"I have to go. I'll call you later. Give Connor a kiss for me." I hang up. I don't want to hear any more of her words. She's just given me what should be the best news ever, but I feel like a bomb has been dropped and my world is about to implode. I have to tell Jules, but I can't today. Today is about her, and this will have to wait.

Jules stands and after placing a kiss with her hand on each stone, she turns and walks towards the car. I get myself together because I can't let her see that anything's amiss. She climbs into the passenger seat, her cheeks damp with tears that she obviously tried to wipe away, but the evidence remains.

"Thank you."

"For what? I haven't done anything."

"You have. You've done more than you'll ever know. Not just one thing either, it's everything."

"Well, if I did miss anything, be sure to let me know."

"I will." She turns her head to look out the window as we pull out of the cemetery grounds, and our conversation falls silent. I honestly think she's doing well today, but that's what she's letting me see. I can't imagine the pain I'd feel every day if something happened to her, let alone every year having the reminder of how much time had passed.

We drive for a while in silence, looking for a place to have lunch. All I need is a place that serves chicken and mashed potatoes, her self-proclaimed favorite comfort food. She won't be able to pass it up. I'll get some food in her one way or another, and I'm willing to play dirty.

We end up at a little café and, as I knew she would, she orders the chicken dinner. I decide to get the same, wanting to see if the _feel good_ food works for me too. I'm not sad the way she is, but what breaks my heart is knowing that I can't fix any of the things that are hurting her right now. I can't fix her pain and her loss, and I can't fix the fact that telling her about Connor may cause her more.

Julia

IT'S COMING UP ON VALENTINE'S Day, tomorrow actually. A day that's been insignificant to me for seven of them now. The day itself baffles me. Hearts filled with chocolate, cards, overpriced flowers, and stuffed animals. Going overboard one day a year to proclaim or prove your love. What Derick and I have is so much better than Valentine's Day—it's every day.

We've become so much stronger together than we ever were apart. Well, I suppose I can only speak for myself, I feel stronger with him in my life. I've always seen his strength, fed on it, depended on it when mine was lost. Every time I think of how lucky I am that he found me, I remember my dream from Christmas. He didn't find me, and I didn't find him. We were brought together by angels.

Liz and I have continued to work together on the wedding, and I'm finding we have so much in common. I told her what we wanted for the wedding, and she's taking care of everything out there. I told her the only thing I wanted to take care of myself, was my dress. Though her heart is in the right place, I can't see it being something we'd agree on. I don't want big, fluffy, and intense. I want it to resemble our relationship and how I feel when I'm with him. Relaxed, comfortable, and free flowing.

We've been very clear that we want the ceremony to be small and intimate, only close friends and family. We've never boasted of our relationship, and we don't plan to start, especially not on the day we allow others to witness us making the promise we feel has already been made between us. I thought I would be okay without all the formalities, but I think that my dream made me want more than a courthouse quickie. I want everything with Derick to be as special and memorable as it can be. I finally understand that we're not replacing old memories, we're making new ones, ours. Never discounting the memories we've been making along the way, but the ones we'll make, as husband and wife will commence on June twenty-first, two thousand fourteen.

Save the date cards are set to go out in a couple of weeks, but I wanted to make it a little more personal for one person, Frank. He's the only person on my list, well actually, one of the two. Though I know he won't make it, I plan to invite Henry as well. I asked Frank's secretary, Ashley, to pencil me in for a meeting with him this morning. He knows about our engagement but not that we've set a date and location. The wedding being in California is going to cause him to blow a gasket, but I have a plan. I know having all three of us gone at once will be rough, but we have time to cross-train a couple of our top editors to carry the office for a few days. Everything will be okay.

I knock on the door and wait for him to grant me entry. As soon as he sees me, he looks at me as though to say "what was that about?" I never knock, and he knows that.

"What's up, Julia? I have a meeting in a couple of minutes, so I hate to say it but make it quick."

I saunter over to the chair in front of his desk, sit down, and rest my arms on the chair's armrests. He's confused by my behavior, I can tell as much and naughty of me or not, after all these years, I find it entertaining.

"I am your appointment, Frank."

"What's going on?"

"I wanted to be the first to tell you that Derick and I have set a date for the wedding. I wanted to extend to you a personal invitation."

"Really? That's great news. When is the big day?"

"June twenty-first. In Santa Barbara." This is the moment when I'm expecting him to freak out.

"Wow! Not to mask my happiness for you Julia, but I assume this meeting was not only to drop the good news. I know you must have a plan for how the three of us are all going to be in California for the wedding."

"You're brilliant. Have I ever told you that? But, so am I. Of course, I do." I reach over and place a paper on his desk. "Here's my list of people that I think can handle the cross-training and take over the office for at least a week. I don't know how long you'll take off, but Derick and I were looking at two weeks for both the wedding and the honeymoon."

He looks over the paper, nodding his head in approval. "Well, I second your thoughts on Sean and Joanne. If there were to be an open spot in management positions, those two are the ones I'd pine for. We'll talk to them this week and ask if they'd like the opportunity."

I knew my plan would work. I followed what Frank had taught me early on. Always present a problem with the means for a solution.

"So this means you'll be there?" I ask hopefully.

"I've seen you come a long way. I wouldn't miss this for the world, Julia."

"I'm glad to hear you say that, you're the only person on my list that'll make it. You're my only real family, Frank."

"Maybe today, but you're about to have a real family again, and no one deserves it more than you."

Frank doesn't say things he doesn't mean, and I've come to trust what he says. My life has definitely taken a turn over the last few months, and I'm more than ready for the next step.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

We've set a date for the wedding and given all the specifics to my mother. The only thing she likes more than traveling is planning big occasions. It's in her nature, and she's good at it. It's a relief for both Jules and me to have nothing more to worry about than getting there and Jules picking out her dress, which actually isn't my worry at all. She wants to do that one thing herself, which I think is a good idea. She is the only one who knows her style, which is nothing short of simple and classic.

In fact, that's where she is today. She left work early because she wanted to do some dress browsing and has my sister readily available via FaceTime to consult with. It's Valentine's Day and how cliché, that she's out shopping for her dress. When you think about it really, wedding dresses and Valentine's Day, the motif of each flows in the same direction. Love.

But as I continue to learn so much more about her, she informs me that she doesn't like Valentine's Day. She says that there's no point if you really love someone, that proving it three hundred and sixty-five days a year is better than one. I couldn't argue with that logic, so I'll continue showing her how much I love her the same this day as any other. It's a win-win.

When she returns from her shopping trip, I greet her with roses, which have been a signature for us all along, and champagne. Nothing different from what could occur any other day, and nothing extravagant. Just another day of me loving her. Loving her on the couch, on the bed, and in the shower. Twice. Then we spend the whole next day doing the same.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Ann has continued to send me messages, and I continue to tell her I'll be in touch. Something is still amiss with her getting her results when I never did. Of course, I've thought about calling the lab myself, but procrastinate for selfish reasons. Reasons that make me feel like I'm back in _dick_ territory because I'm ignoring her and the truth. I just haven't found the right time to tell Jules. I'm a coward, I'll admit it. But I'm scared, genuinely scared, that this will cost me the love of my life. The choice should be easy, but it's not.

Come Monday morning, nothing could prepare me for what is about to happen. As we walk up to the office, I see her standing there, not too far from the front door, and she's holding Connor. What the fuck is she doing here? I know I haven't been as compliant as she would prefer since she told me about the results, it's been a month, but I just can't shake the feeling that something isn't right. Why didn't I ever receive my results? I was content to believe her when she told me she'd be calling to check on it, but that was a couple of weeks ago, and I never heard anything more about it.

I try to steer Jules into the building before Ann spots us. I'll come back down and deal with her alone. But as luck would have it, she sees me and calls out my name.

"Derick! Derick!" Ann calls loudly from across the distance.

I continue to walk, lightly pulling Jules with me, but she stops. Jules is the first to turn around at hearing my name being called. I, of course, am trying to ignore it.

"Derick, did you hear that? It sounded like someone was calling your name."

Dreadfully, I turn to look in the direction Jules is looking and make eye contact with Ann. I urge her with my eyes to stay back, but it's obvious she didn't come here to lay low. She rushes towards us, Connor being jostled in her hurry.

"Derick, who is that?" Jules asks. I clench my teeth because it's one question I never wanted to have to answer, but now it's unavoidable.

"That's Ann."

"Oh, my." She reaches for my hand and squeezes it gently. She's here for me, and she wants me to know.

Ann approaches us, winded and wearing what I can positively identify as a fake smile. I, on the other hand, don't offer a smile at all. She apparently never knew me well, but she should recognize the seriousness of my demeanor, and I'm hoping to convey that now is not the time.

"You said you'd call." I say sternly.

"Well, I thought this would work out better." She turns to Jules and smiles. "You must be Julia, so nice to meet you. Derick has said beautiful things about you."

Jules looks from Ann to Connor and back. "Thank you." Jules' words are as friendly as she can make them, but I can sense the tension. She only knows what I've told her, how this woman nearly broke me with betrayal. Jules would stay if I wanted her to, but I think she knows that this conversation won't go any better with her here. She turns to me and says, "I'm going to head up, okay? I'll see you in a while. Don't forget we have a meeting at eight-fifteen." She's providing an out for me, setting the stage for when I've had enough.

She comes in closer, delivering a soft kiss to my lips, transferring her energy to me while staking her claim and delivering a message to Ann. As much as I hate her feeling the need to do this, it makes my heart swell, knowing she wants to do it. I fucking love this woman.

I watch her until she passes through the doors, a smile still playing on my face from her little show, and then I turn to Ann, who looks all but amused. Good. Karma's a real bitch, isn't it?

"You haven't told her? Derick, what are you doing? This isn't going away."

"I don't need you to tell me how to handle this. My life here is none of your business."

"Maybe not, but he is," she says motioning to Connor. "He's your business too."

"You don't know anything. Not that I owe you any explanation, but it's a delicate situation."

"You're right, you don't owe me an explanation, but I need to know I can count on you to help raise your son."

"Speaking of, did you ever find out where my results went?"

"Here." She hands me an envelope from the lab with my name on it, but her address. "I guess they screwed up. They sent your results to me."

I open the envelope and take out the single piece of tri-folded paper. My eyes float over all the words and numbers until I see what I'm looking for. "Probability of Paternity 99.86."

"Do you believe me now?"

"I guess the numbers don't lie." I replace the paper in the envelope, fold it in half, and shove it in my jacket pocket. I look at Connor, my son. I have the proof I need now. That means I have to tell Jules, and it can't wait any longer.

"Are you in this now, Derick? Can I count on you to be there for him?"

"Of course you can. If you remember right, I always wanted kids, just not like this. This poor kid will never know what it would've been like to have us together as a family. But I promise you, I'll be there for him."

"From across the country?"

Of course, she'd bring that up. That thought has crossed my mind a million times. It's one of those choices you know you have to make, where an option doesn't really exist at all. It's not ideal to live all the way across the country from him, and I know the chances of Ann moving here are zero. But, I'm not getting into this here, not right now.

"How long are you here?"

"Only three days. My father needs me back for meetings on Friday. I'm staying at the Marriott on State Street. I'd hoped to come here and be able to make an agreement with you. I don't want to have to get lawyers involved. I'd like to think we are capable of avoiding that, Derick." How nice of her. She has all Daddy's money and lawyers behind her. Why not just go in for the kill?

"I have to go now. I will call you tonight. I promise." I reach into my pocket and pull out my wallet to give her some money. "Here. Take Connor to the aquarium, I think he'd like that." She nods and takes it. I lean in and give Connor a kiss on the head. "I'll see you later, little guy. Mommy's going to take you to see the pretty fish."

For the first time since I met him, I feel something. Now that I've seen the test results, there's no denying I'm his father, and the need to take care of him is suddenly overwhelming. I was such a dick to think, to hope, that he wasn't mine. Now it's time, time to step up and accept that I may not have gotten my dream of having children the way I'd hoped, but nonetheless, I got it. That's my son, and he needs me.

I watch them walk away and know that I have decisions to make, maybe some of the hardest I'll ever have to make. All the elements won't agree and in the end I know there's a chance I'll have to give something, or rather someone, up.

Julia

WALKING INTO MY OFFICE, I'M overwhelmed with emotions from the encounter outside, and I have so many questions about it. How could she come here, to his work? Why does she need to be here again? Derick never mentioned that their legal situation was still ongoing, but he never mentioned that it was finished either. And it's obvious she's overcome her disdain for having children. How could she rub that in his face like that? I already disliked her for what she did to Derick before, and she just threw a lot more wood on that fire. She needs to back off and realize he's not hers anymore. She can't just waltz in and reclaim him. Or can she? No. It's too late.

I busy myself with going through the files on my desk. I don't want to look out the window to see them. Jealousy is evil, and it makes you see things that don't really exist. I can't allow myself to fall into that trap. I need to stay strong and confident of what Derick and I have, that which I know is real, true, and pure love.

I left my door open, so that when Derick comes in, I'll be able to see him. I don't expect him to run to me and tell me everything. I'm sure he has to digest this surprise visit first, whatever it is that she came here for. About ten minutes have gone by when I see him. He has a perplexed look on his face, and as I suspected he would, he goes straight to his office. I would be lying if I said that it doesn't hurt a little that he didn't come straight to me, but I do understand. There were so many times, before he learned the truth about my past, that I wanted to go to him and take in his strength and comfort, but I couldn't because that meant I'd have to explain. I'll give him the time he gave me, knowing that he will eventually come to me.

Nearly half the day has gone by, and we still haven't spoken, not counting the morning meeting. I got one look, one moment when our eyes connected. He's not all right, something happened this morning after I left. His beautiful blue eyes plead with me, almost begging me to be patient. I can do that, but my heart is breaking for him. What could she have done or said that would affect him this way? Was it the child? I replay the story of their divorce in my head. He caught her with his best friend. Oh my, she ended up pregnant with his best friend's child.

I can almost feel the pain he must have felt when she told him. This, on top of the fact that he knows or believes that I can't have children. He's been betrayed by her and denied by me. It's almost enough to make me confess and give him everything he's ever wanted on a silver platter. Almost, but not quite. We will get through this, and we'll do it together.

It's coming up on lunchtime when I receive a text from him.

Derick: Let's go out for lunch

Me: Your choice, my treat

Derick: I love you

Me: I love you more

Derick: Not ever possible

Finally, the ice is broken. A relief settles over me and for the first time since meeting Ann, I can breathe easily. I've never seen him shut down like this, and it just breaks my heart. He's always been my rock, but now, it's time for me to be his.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

I'm backed into a corner, and every instinct I have is telling me if I don't come clean soon, my entire world will be destroyed. Ann is like a lit fuse and I, of all people, know what she's capable of. I need to get my shit together, and fast.

I've been avoiding telling my mother just as much as I've avoided telling Jules, but it's come to a point where I need to tell someone. I need advice, and my mom may be able to help me figure this out. No doubt she'll be pissed, but she won't abandon me, that much I know for sure. She may even be able to help me figure out how to tell Jules. I turn my chair to look out the window and tap the phone to dial her.

"Good morning! This is a surprise." She sounds so happy, I love that sound.

"Good morning, Mom." I, on the contrary, do not sound happy at all.

"What's wrong? And don't you even think of telling me, nothing. I can hear it in your voice."

"Are you sitting down?"

"Yes. Talk."

"Ann is here in Boston. She was here a couple of months ago too, and not alone. She has a baby with her, Mom. My baby." I hear her gasp on the other end.

"Are you sure, Derick? I wouldn't put it past her to lie to you, especially after all she's already done."

"We had a paternity test, Mom. He's mine."

"Derick, you're a father." I can hear surprise and trepidation in her words. "You always wanted that, I just never thought it would be with her. How is Julia taking this?"

My mother doesn't know about Jules' past, but I guess it's time to tell her. I explain in short that Jules had a family and that she lost them suddenly, how I was her first relationship since, and I end with the news that she can't have more children. Something I was okay with, and still am, because I have her.

"Poor thing. This must be so hard for her."

"She doesn't know yet."

"Derick. Why? Why haven't you told her?"

"It started out that I just didn't believe Ann, and I wanted to wait for the results. I was sure they would be negative. The time frame coincides with her story, but I just felt something was off. Then the results came in, and I found out for sure on the anniversary of the day Jules lost her family. It just never seemed to be the right time to tell her. I just don't know what to do, Mom. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose her. She's the best thing I've ever had."

"Be honest with her. It's all you can do. You'll get through this together. She loves you as much as you love her."

"God, I hope you're right, Mom."

Julia

IT'S WEDNESDAY, AND DERICK AND Frank are in a meeting with another potential client. I stayed behind with work to catch up on and a feeling that I'm just not on top of my game today. Last night I slept restlessly and was plagued with dreams I can't remember, but I know they were not good. When I woke this morning, I was clinging to Derick so tight that I'm surprised he could even breathe. I just had this overwhelming need to hold onto him, not wanting to let him go.

The two of them have been gone for a while, and I'm expecting them back any moment. In the meantime I try to keep busy, but can't shake the feeling of being unfocused. It's almost as if I'm coming down with something. The change in seasons always does this to me. I think it's time for some extra vitamin C in my diet.

I'm sitting in my office when I hear it coming from the reception area. A woman's voice that, for reasons I can't place, sounds familiar and is quite loud. I stand from behind my desk and walk to the door to investigate. With Derick and Frank in a meeting downstairs, I'm in charge. This is extremely odd behavior for this department, as we are usually very quiet and low profile. A person yelling is not a normality.

I pull the door open and start down the rows of cubicles that take me to where the voice is coming from. As soon as I approach, I see why the voice struck a chord with me, it's Ann. Why is she here and what on earth is causing her to behave this way? She has the child with her too, the poor boy. As I get closer, I take a deep breath in and a deep breath out. Besides saving the front receptionist from further abuse, I need to find out just exactly what's going on. I walk up and confidently address this situation.

"Good afternoon. I'm Julia Morreau, Managing Editor. Is there something I can help you with?" I probably should have extended my hand in a friendly gesture, but there's nothing pleasant about her. Nearly psychotic would better describe the look on her face as she glares back at me. She thinks I'm playing dumb, acting as though I don't recognize her. For a woman who I know has a black belt in deceit, she should see this as a fair move on my part.

"I'm here to see Derick."

"I figured as much. He's in a meeting right now. You can call him to schedule time to see him, or wait until he's back. If you do choose to wait, it's preferred that you do so quietly so that you do not further disrupt my office."

"Don't act like you don't know who I am. You know exactly who I am. You're the reason he's doing this!" She's a bomb ready to explode and for reasons unbeknownst to me, I'm a fair target.

"I've no idea what you're referring to." It's an honest statement.

She gets closer and drops the volume of her voice, eerily making it feel like the calm before the storm. "He hasn't told you." It's not a question, and I want to ask what she's referring to, but feel that doing so will somehow lure me into her trap. She may be a horrible woman, but she's nonetheless a woman. She must see the confusion, question, and resistance in my eyes. I give in and do something I rarely do, I crack.

"Told me what, exactly?"

"That this is his son." She shifts the baby on her hip, to ensure I make the connection.

I lose my sense of reality, suddenly feeling like I'm in a cloud. Things are going on around me, but I couldn't tell you what. My heart is beating in my ears, and my lungs seem to be caving in. What pulls me back to the here and now is the ding of the elevator as it opens. I look up to see Derick step out and into the reception area. As soon as he sees Ann and me together, his demeanor changes from relaxed to rigid in an instant.

He walks up and addresses her first. "What are you doing here?"

"I leave tonight, and I was tired of waiting for you. You've left me no choice but to come here to find you."

"You should've called first." He says flatly.

"Because you're so good at answering my calls? Are you serious?"

Ignoring her last statement, he looks at me, and I think he knows that he's missed a major part of this conversation.

"Julia." He says pleadingly. I turn and walk away. I know by the look on his face that he's finally made the connection. "What did you say to her?" I hear him ask her in a tone that's quickly turned angry, but I continue to walk, not looking back.

The farther away I get, the lower their voices, until they're gone completely because I shut my door behind me. I can't believe what I just heard, I don't want to believe it. When I saw her the other day, I was disgusted by her flaunting this child before him, thinking she was cruel and heartless. Now it makes sense. And looking back to his reaction that day, I know that he knew then.

I'm going to be sick. I rush around my desk and kneeling down on the floor, I empty the contents of my stomach into my trashcan. I never once thought that he would be capable of hurting me this way, keeping a secret like this from me. But then again, from the very beginning, our relationship has been plagued by secrets. First mine, and now his.

I have to get out of here. I feel the need to run. I need to think. I need to figure out what this means and what I need to do. I grab my coat and purse, I'll call Frank in a while, but right now I need air, space, and time. I open my door and find that I have a clear shot for the elevator. Not even stopping at Nora's desk to let her know I'm leaving, I head straight for it, pushing the button and hoping I can get out unnoticed. Relief rushes through me as the door opens and I step inside. Then as the door closes, I release the breath I hadn't realized I was holding.

It's not 'til I reach the ground floor that I remember Derick drove us in today, meaning I have no car. I don't care. I don't want to go home anyway, so I set out on foot towards the train station. I don't care where it takes me. I just can't be here.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

I want to chase after Jules, but I'm so angry that I grab Ann by the arm and lead her to my office. I know how this must look, and I know that if I let myself blow up here, the consequences would be extreme. When we get to my office, I push her inside and shut the door, turning my back to her so that I can collect myself before I speak.

The hate and anger I have for her at this moment scares me. Even when I walked in on her and Michael, I wasn't this enraged. But as I take this moment to gather my bearings, I realize, this anger towards her now is not because she exposed the truth. It's because I saw the look on Jules' face as she turned and walked away. The lie itself hurt her, my lie. So my anger can't be solely aimed at Ann for coming here today, it's at myself for letting my lie get this far.

I turn around, a little more calm, and just stare at Connor. He has no clue what's going on and that it has everything to do with him, though none of it is his fault. Ann has remained silent, knowing that even though what she did may have been what needed to be done, it needed to be done by me. It was cruel, and Jules didn't deserve that.

"I'm sorry, Derick, but not for the reasons you think. You aren't acting like the man I knew. You've ignored me, and enough is enough."

"It was not your place to come here and do that to her!" I clench my teeth to maintain a volume of my voice that won't be heard outside this room. "I've been a dick, yes. But dammit, I love that woman and this, it may break us."

"So you chose her? Over your son? What's happened to you, Derick?"

"No! I was trying to figure out how I could have both. You come here with a six-month-old child you never told me anything about. I missed your pregnancy, his birth, the first six months of his life. You stole all of that from me, and now I'm supposed to drop the woman who made me whole again? God! Admit it, this is more about you than him."

"No, you're wrong. Everything I do now is for him. Everything you do now should be for him too."

I walk over and take Connor from her arms. Ignoring her presence completely, I walk with him to the window. Looking out the window with him in my arms, I imagine what it would've been like to feel him kicking before he was born, to hold him as an infant, to rock him to sleep in the middle of the night. I question that if he had come along before everything else had happened, would Ann and I still be happy? But that's a lot of fantasies, too many ifs, and I've got no answers right now.

"When are you two leaving?"

"We're on the red-eye tonight. It's easier traveling when he's able to sleep."

"This is a long trip for him. I can't think of how you'd keep an eight-month-old busy for a six and a half hour flight."

"It's not easy, trust me."

"I'll let you know what's going on in the next couple of days."

"Do you promise this time?" I look down at Connor. He's fallen asleep, lulled by the rhythmic rocking motion I hadn't even realized I'd been doing. It's then that I finally feel something. I'm holding my son, a little me, and my heart melts at what I've missed and what's yet to come. There has to be a way to make all of this work out, a way to have them both, Jules and Connor. If it exists, I'm going to find it.

"I promise."

I walk her out to the street to get a cab back to her hotel. I hand Connor back to her and as he lays his head on her shoulder his eyes open, but quickly close to continue his nap. I lean in and I kiss him on his head.

"I promise, little guy. I won't miss any more."

They get into the car she had waiting, and I head back into the building. I need to talk to Jules. I need to explain all this. I need her to know that this wasn't something I knew about when we first got together. Though I've been hiding it for a while now, I wasn't all along.

I get off the elevator, and a shudder goes through me as I remember the last time I stepped out of it. I go straight to her office, where I find her door closed and her secretary, Nora, gone from her desk. I knock as I turn the handle and push the door open. She's gone.

Her computer is off, and her sweater and purse aren't hanging on the rack. When I come back out of the empty office, Nora is returning to her desk.

"Did Julia leave for the day?"

"I'm not really sure. I mean, she did leave, but didn't say anything to me, so I've been taking messages. I just happened to see her heading for the elevator."

"Thanks."

"Anytime, Derick."

I ignore the flirty tone she addresses me with and head straight to Frank's office. His door is cracked open, and I see him at his desk, on the phone. I knock, making sure it's just hard enough to force the door open a little farther so he can see it's me. He waves me in with his free hand while he finishes up his conversation. As I wait, I visualize myself reaching over and disconnecting his call, making it known that whatever is happening on the other end of that line can wait. Finally, he hangs up and addresses me.

"Hey, Derick, what's going on?"

"Did Julia let you know she left today? I was just in her office, and she's not there. Nora said she saw her leave, but doesn't know for sure."

"Yes, she called me to let me know she had left. Look, I don't need details, but being that I know more than you do at this point, I'd say it's personal and between the two of you."

"My ex-wife showed up today and —" He holds up a hand to stop me.

"Like I said, it's personal. But, I will say, that if it starts affecting work, we will have a problem."

"I understand. Thanks for telling me what you know. I'll take care of it."

"As Julia's friend I do have one personal request."

"What's that?"

"Don't just take care of _it_ , Derick. Take care of _her_." I nod in acceptance of his request and head for the door because, taking care of her is all I ever wanted to do.

Julia

I'VE BEEN GONE FOR HOURS, and Derick has texted me at least a dozen times. I think I've finally worked up the courage to go home and face him. I'm scared and dreading the future when hours ago it was so perfect, so sure. But he needs to explain all this to me. I have questions. Why didn't he tell me? When did he know? And most importantly, why is he still here in Boston? He has a son, the son he always wanted, and he's been hiding it from me for God only knows how long.

I walk in the door and the room is dark, but he's here. I can feel him though I can't see him. Ginger runs up to me in greeting, as she always does, and I pet her head for a moment before going to set my purse and keys on the coffee table. That's when I hear the sound of ice clinking in a glass and turn to where the lazy chair is, now able to make out his body sitting there.

I feel the need to be the first to speak, to assert my strength for once. I've let him somehow believe that I was weak, that I couldn't handle the truth, and I won't let him believe that any longer.

"When were you going to tell me about this? Actually, a better question would be, how long have you been keeping it from me?" I had told myself to stay calm, that keeping my temper in check would be the better way to handle this. But I quickly feel that resolve falling away.

"Soon. I was going to tell you soon. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle it yet. I'm just now coming to terms with the reality of it myself."

"You have a son, Derick! That's the reality of it! How long have you known?" My mind goes to the last time Ann was in town. The unresolved legal situation. He doesn't have to answer the question, I already know. "You've known since before Christmas."

Awareness hits me that I'm part of the reason he didn't tell me. He may not have wanted to tell me right away, because of disbelief, maybe even because he had some anger towards her, but then I told him about my kids. He was afraid to tell me because he knew that I lost my children, and I've made him believe that I'll never have more.

"That meeting you had with her the last time she was in town." It's not a question. My voice is again calm as the clarity settles over me.

"We had the paternity test then. I thought she was lying to me, that it was just some ploy to get back in my life. I was sure that the results would come back negative."

"But they didn't."

"No, they didn't. It all adds up to the last time we were together before our divorce. She kept it from me all this time. The pregnancy and the first six months of his life. I had no clue until she came to town claiming he was mine and offering up a test."

"When did you find out for sure?" I can feel it, the calm is about to change. I'm just not prepared for how much. There's a long pause before he answers, a silent objection to my request.

"She told me on January nineteenth." The words come out with a release of breath that it appears he'd much rather have held in. "But, I didn't see actual proof until Monday morning."

I can no longer hold in the sob that has been building in my throat as he answers. How ironic that on the commemoration of the day I lost my children, he finds out he has a son. I feel myself starting to fall, my legs no longer able to hold me. I feel as though I've been punched in the stomach and I give in to the pain. He moves quickly, scooping me up in his arms, and carrying me to the couch. Then he sits down with me on his lap, holding me so tight that I know he has no intention of letting me go.

I just want to sit there in his arms, where I've never felt anything but safe. I don't want to talk. I don't wish to hear any more at this moment. I just want silence. I don't want his apologies nor his explanations. This isn't his fault entirely and I have to remember that. But, the moment I feared months ago has come, only not the way I thought it would. He's faced with a choice, a decision between two people. In the end, whether he makes it himself, or I make it for him, it won't be me.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

There's solace in her knowing the truth, but with it comes the overwhelming feeling of betrayal. She's trusted me all this time and I've been lying to her, keeping a secret that could ruin everything. I can't undo this. I can't go back and make it right and now I have to hope that what we've built is strong enough to get us through. I have hope for so many things right now, the biggest being that I won't lose her.

It's a complicated set of priorities, I know. My number one should be finding a way to have a relationship with my son, but nothing short of moving back to California seems to make sense. But for the first time in my life, I have no idea what I'm going to do. Even when I found Ann and Michael together, I knew what I had to do, the choice obviously simple. There was no worrying about the decisions I made being the right ones. This time, not only is my heart breaking, but there are also two other hearts involved. I can't stand to see either of them breaking too.

Her sobs have quieted, and now she sits silently in my lap, my arms still tight around her. I'm not sure if I'm holding her, or if I'm holding _onto_ her at this point. I want so much to break the eerie silence, but what will I say? If it were me in her position, I'm not sure there's anything I could hear that would help me understand this. Why, if I loved her so much, would I keep a secret like this from her? My effort to protect her may be the thing that breaks her, breaks us.

I don't know how long the silence lasts or how much time has passed when she speaks.

"I want to go to bed, Derick."

She starts to rise, but I hold her close, afraid to leave any distance between us. "I've got you." I rise with her in my arms and, as if she understands, she curls into me. I carry her up to our bed and lay her down, immediately feeling the loss as my hands leave her body. I can't shake the thought that this feeling may be one I'll come to know as normal very soon.

I walk around the bed, shedding my clothes as I go, so not to waste any time closing the distance the simple act creates between us. As I crawl into bed, she turns to face me.

"I love you," she says in a low voice, laced with the sound of oncoming tears.

"I love you, Jules. I'm—" She lays a finger on my lips to hush me before I can finish.

"Not tonight." She removes her finger from my lips and moves in to replace it with her lips. Her kiss is soft, and I can feel her lips quivering on mine. I want to take her with all the passion I feel for her. I want to show her why I needed to protect her from this, where my heart really was. But more than that, I want to take away the pain I've inflicted on her. I want to, but I'm not sure I can.

As she continues to kiss me, she lays her hand on my chest, holding it over my heart. I hope she can feel its beat, how fiercely it pounds at her touch. She has to know that she's the reason it beats at all. Every beat, every minute of every day, is for her.

I want to feel her heart too, I need to feel that it reacts the same way when I touch her. I want to feel, if only for now, that nothing has changed between us, that there's hope that nothing will. I press my hand to her chest and I feel it, its steady, strong rhythm beneath my hand.

In the hours that follow, no words are spoken between us. Our bodies convey every thought and all the feelings that need to be expressed. We aren't just having sex, we're making love in the most intense and profound way, exploring each other as if we never have before. This time is not about the release. It's about relief. It's about being with her in a place where it's beautiful, comfortable, and safe.

Derick

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN our relationship, I'm the one to wake up alone. I roll over to look at the clock and see that it's only six in the morning. I can only imagine that it has everything to do with last night. We didn't talk about what happened after I told her when it was I knew about Connor. She crumbled after that, as I feared she would. Then we both resorted to physical compassion, never mentioning another word.

What bothers me now is that she's not here and I have no idea how long she's been gone. While we made love last night, I couldn't shake the feeling of finality closing in on me. Our lovemaking is always passionate, but last night it was deeper than all the times before. It's was as if she was focused on committing every second of it to memory, to both our memories, as if it was intended to be our last.

I hope that I'm just being paranoid and that this feeling is a result of the guilt I have for lying to her. I get out of bed, stopping in the bathroom before I head downstairs. It's as quiet down here as it was in the room. No smell of morning coffee or toast being made, no Jules. Ginger does not greet me either, so I go to the door leading to the courtyard and it's then I can hear her.

She's talking to Ginger, or maybe herself, I'm not sure. Wrong or not, I decide to listen for a couple of minutes. She speaks softly, so I can't hear every word, but the few that I do hear instantly make my heart race: "I don't know how I'll say goodbye." and "I was stupid to think I could keep him." The only conclusion I can make from what I hear is that she's leaving. My heart instantly grows heavy enough to fall out of my chest and I want to rush out in protest, but my feet feel as though they are glued to the floor.

Then I hear her say, "Please take care of him, Ms. Ginger. You're the only other girl I trust, the only one that loves him as much as I do."

I can't take anymore. She hasn't even said the words to me and my heart is breaking. I _need_ to go for my run. I need to buy some time before she tells me she's leaving. I have to figure out a way to change her mind. Roses aren't going do it this time, I have to tell her, I have to make her understand that I can't do any of this without her. I don't interrupt her to take Ginger with me today because I don't want her to know I heard any part of her conversation.

I'm running as if my life depends on it. As if I can change everything I've fucked up and somehow make this work. But honestly, I have no idea how I'm going to do this. Ann won't move here, I don't even have to ask to know that answer. I don't want to move back there, not unless Jules were to come with me. There's a spark of hope in that thought, maybe she would. No. I'm silly and I'm desperate to think she would do that. She has ties here that I know she won't leave behind. There has to be another way.

When I walk in the door at home, I'm surprised to see her in the kitchen already dressed for work with her to-go cup of coffee in hand. I can feel my heart's pace quicken, knowing that she doesn't intend to talk about the obvious, not this morning.

"Jules." I'm trying not to look pathetic, but I know I'm failing, and I also know that she can see right through me.

"I'm going to take the train in this morning. I have a few things I have to get done from yesterday."

"I'll ride in with you. I just need to hop in the shower." She holds her hand out to quiet me. Then closes her eyes, as if to think of her next words.

"I'll meet you there, okay?" Just like that, she's already putting distance between us. I don't know what to say, so I settle for nothing. I walk over to her and lift her chin to look at me instead of down at her cup of coffee. In her eyes I see confusion, regret, and hurt, all of which I caused.

"Okay." I kiss her softly on her lips then release her and walk away.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia

I'm managing to get through the day, the distraction of work leaving very little time to think about the conversation that will happen later tonight. He's not going to understand that this has almost nothing to do with the fact that he lied and kept this secret from me. It does, however, have everything to do with the fact that now he has someone else who needs him more than I do. He has his son. He's also not going to understand how hard it is for me to let him go because I won't let him see that.

He doesn't have to make a choice between us because there isn't one. And in this situation, I don't want his strength. I'll have to summon my own and hope it's enough.

I worked through lunch, tactfully avoiding time for conversation and odd silences. I also went into Frank's office requesting tomorrow and all of next week off.

"Do you mind telling me what this is about, Julia?" Frank asks, his voice laced with concern. And although I hate pity, he's my only friend and this does concern him because of Derick's position here.

"I'm breaking up with Derick." His eyebrows raise in question and I know I have to give him answers. "He has a son, Frank." My voice breaks and I fight to hold back my tears. If I can't get through this now, I don't stand a chance when I talk to Derick tonight. "He kept it from me, he lied about it. But it's not that, Derick needs to be with him. I won't make him choose."

"I see. How do you know he'll go? He's a grown man, Julia. He'll make his own decision."

"Either way, he'll lose me. If he stays, I won't respect him. If he goes, he'll keep my respect and he'll have his son. There's no decision to make."

"I'm sorry, Julia." He is, I can hear it in the tone of his voice.

"Don't, Frank. You know I don't want that."

"I know. Just know that I'm here, okay?"

"Give me a week. I promise I'll come back better than ever." It's an empty promise, but once again, as it did before Derick came along, work will be the only thing I have to take me away from the reality of loss. It saved me once; I'll have to trust it to save me again.

Derick

AT FIVE, JULES WAITS FOR me at the car. I haven't seen her all day and it's been excruciating to say the least, but it gave me time to think. I have no idea how to explain myself, there's no excuse for what I did. None, except that I thought I was protecting her. It was a noble but pitiful decision I made.

I promised her forever. Promised her that we were a team, then I went and left her out of one of the most important aspects of my life. It doesn't matter that I didn't know of him until after we got together. She should've been the first one I told and we should've gone through this together. She's so much stronger than I gave her credit for and I easily admit that this is all my fault.

I'm mad at myself for being this person that I'm not. Lying, denying, and hiding. That's not me, it never has been, and I don't know why I chose to be this way now.

She goes to the car and gets in without saying a word. The fact that she's here tells me that something's going to happen. We can't go on much longer without talking about this, something's got to give. When we get to the loft, before she exits the car, she grabs my hand and speaks.

"Can we take a walk?"

"Sure. Let me go get Ginger. I'll be right back. Okay?"

"Okay."

I come back a couple of minutes later, Ginger in tow. Jules is leaning against the car and looks to be in deep thought. I can't say I haven't been wrapped up in that trance most of the day myself. I just wish I knew what she was thinking.

We set off walking towards the park. She doesn't say anything for the short walk but when I reach for her hand, she allows me to take it. Instantly, I'm afraid I'm holding it too tight, but also afraid I may not be holding on tight enough. As we round the walk to our bench, I find myself in familiar territory but under unfamiliar circumstances. The last time we came here together, I asked her to marry me. I was sure of what I wanted but terrified that she didn't want the same. That's eerily the case again tonight.

She guides us to our bench to sit. I let Ginger off her leash and toss the ball that I brought along, just in case this was where we were heading. I'm watching her closely as she begins to say something, then replaces her words with a deep breath. She shouldn't be the one looking for words because it's me who owes explanations.

"Jules. I fucked up not telling you as soon as I knew. We can get through this. I've been thinking—" She doesn't allow me to finish.

"I never told you that the day you found me here, I was talking to Alex. I was asking for a sign from him that it was time to move on. Seconds later, you and Ginger showed up. You were my sign." She's not looking at me as she talks, and it's driving me crazy that she won't meet my eyes. Her focus is out there, somewhere over the pond. "I'm hurt that you lied to me, hurt that you couldn't share the fact that you have a little boy. But I won't pretend I don't know why you did it."

"You lied to me too, remember. You kept secrets too and I've never held it against you." It's a very low blow to put that out there but if I'm correct about how the conversation is going to end, I have to show that I've got some fight in me.

"I did keep secrets from you too. I didn't tell you about people who physically ceased to exist, making mine very different from yours. I kept them because I didn't want to be pitied and protected from life. I didn't want you to do exactly what you did."

"Jules, at first, I thought she was lying. I wasn't going to acknowledge it or say anything about it until I knew. I wouldn't put something like that past her. Then she called with the results while we were at the cemetery. That was your time, and I needed to be there for you."

"Why, more than a month later did I find out from her? It should have been you, Derick. How long did you think you could go on hiding it from me? How much more of his life were you willing to miss to protect my heart in exchange for breaking his? You've been given a beautiful gift, maybe not how you hoped, but nonetheless, you have."

I don't know what to say to her. She's right. I have a son. I should be spending my time feeling blessed that I have this little man I can love and teach. That no matter who the mother is, he's a part of me.

"I'm ashamed, Jules. In thinking that I was shielding you from your own heartbreak, I've made myself look like an ungrateful ass."

"No, you haven't. But it's obvious what you have to do." She finally looks at me and the look on her face is one I can read. It's in the tears that fill her eyes, it's in the way her lips quiver as she tries to stifle a sob. She's going to say goodbye.

"I want you to come with me. We can be a family, Jules."

"I can't do that. I can't go with you and you can't stay here." Her tears are freed and roll down her cheeks. And I know that her choice is as clear as mine should be, but for different reasons.

"Dammit! Don't make me choose. I don't have to give up one to have the other. Everything I promised you, it wasn't bullshit. You're my forever."

"I'm not asking you to choose, and I shouldn't have to. We both know what the right thing to do is. If you don't go on your own, I'll leave you no option at all."

I shake my head, because I don't want to admit it, but I do know. I have to go be with my son. If I didn't, I wouldn't expect Jules to want to keep me anyway. What would that say about my loyalties and what my love is worth?

"It won't be forever. I'll come back for you. I'll take Ann to court, I'll get custody, we'll all be together." I look at her and lock eyes with her, needing her attention and complete focus to be on my words. "You are still my forever. Not even this will change that."

"Miracles happen every day. I guess we'll have to wait and see. Right now your miracle is in California." She lets go of my hand to remove the ring from her finger, the one I gave her, at this very spot. I reach over to stop her. There's too much finality in that ring leaving her hand. I'm serious about coming back for her.

"No. It belongs to you, just like my heart. You will always hold the key." My mother will understand.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We walk back to the loft and it's no surprise when Jules leaves for her condo. Although I have no intentions of this being the end for us, I let her go. This is not easy. Actually, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I won't be the man she needs unless I do this.

Sleep doesn't come easy and when it does, it's restless at best. Awake I think of her, asleep I dream of her. But I refuse to cry because it's not over and I refuse to feel my heart breaking because it's still hers. I'll do what I need to do and I'll fulfill all my promises to her. Anything or anyone worth having doesn't come easily.

Julia

I GO BACK TO THE loft to get my things while he's not there, part of my plan for taking the day off. Besides the fact that I didn't sleep at all last night, I don't think I could take seeing him as I finalize our breakup by moving out. Though it's so much deeper than that. This is not just a breakup. It's a sacrifice. I don't want to let him go. I have to.

He promises to come back for me, and that sounds so much like a fairy tale, but life isn't a fairy tale. I'm not a princess and he's not a prince. We're just two people who found love and used that love to heal each other.

Ginger meets me at the door, as though it's any other day and I envy that she's unable to understand but thankful that she'll be there for him. I scratch her ears and bend down to kiss her head. Then, I get to my task, not wanting to be here any longer than I need to be. Every second is making the hold on my chest tighter, and my choice more painful.

I go up to the bedroom and empty my clothes from the closet, then go to get my toiletries and such from the bathroom. As I reach into the shower to get my body wash, razor, and shampoo, my eyes fall on his bottle of body soap. I can't help myself from setting down my things for a minute to open it and hold it to my nose. I love this smell. It's his, and although I came here with strength, I feel it crumbling with the thought that I'll never smell him again. I'll never touch him again or kiss him again. And, what makes it ten times worse is that it's not because he's dead, like Alex. I find myself realizing that, as much as it hurt to not have Alex because he died, it's nothing like not being able to have Derick because someone else needs him more. That which is within your grasp, but out of your reach.

I close the bottle and place it back on the shelf, and I pick up my things and leave the room with tears in my eyes. They are not the first and surely not the last of many I will shed. I'll have to make arrangements to have the vanity brought back to my condo. It was the only piece of my furniture I brought over, but I can't move it alone. I walk to it to clear its top, and my eyes go to my jewelry box. The rose Derick placed on its top, on January nineteenth, is still there, but now encased in the glass, locked inside, just like the secrets we both kept.

I carefully pick up the box, wanting to preserve its contents. It was the last rose he gave me, so I need what it had to say to last forever, like we were meant to. With that thought, my eyes fill with tears again, and as much as I want to stay, I need to go. As quickly as I can, I move my things out to the car. I go in one last time to make sure I have it all and to give Ginger one last goodbye and I see my cello in the corner, on its stand. I'll never look at it the same. I'll never play it the same as I once did because he also changed that for me.

My music was no longer a coping mechanism, it was pleasure and foreplay that lead to something so deep and so beautiful, no words can describe it. I go to the closet to get its case and pack it up. It's the last part of me to go. I stop again to pet Ginger, and with tears now rolling down my cheeks, I ask her a favor.

"Take care of him, girl. Protect him and love him all right?"

She answers by licking tears from my face. She understands, I know she does. I straighten up and pick up my case to go. I don't bother with one last look, because I'll never forget one moment of my time here. Holding my breath in order to hold back the tears I want to cry, I set my loft key and his engagement ring on the coffee table and walk over the threshold, pulling the door closed behind me.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Two and a half weeks later, Derick is back in California and I'm back at work. I've fallen back into my routine; the one I had before he came along. I exist. But it's different this time. I miss him so much every day, but I feel like, although I'm alone again, I have hope for a life that's more than simply existing.

As I finish my morning preparations, I go to my vanity to get my necklace. I still wear it because what it means is still at least half true. He has the key to my heart, as long as he lives, he always will. It serves as a reminder that second chances can happen.

Opening my glass box, I pick up the necklace, careful not to disturb the box's only other content, the rose. It's ironic how looking at the dried, now dead rose, I see our beginning and our end. _Stemming from secrets_ and now our life together is withered and lifeless. Not because we lacked love, but because I loved him too much to let him choose me.

Derick may never know how much he is responsible for bringing love back into my life, how he brought _life_ back to my life. And though it's early yet and I only suspect right now, he may never know that he left a small piece of _hi_ s life inside of me.

### By

### Mareta L. Miller

### Blooming With Love

### (Book 3 in the Ninety-Nine Roses series)

### 1st Edition June 2016

### Copyright © 2016 by

### Mareta L. Miller

### Photographs by Alizabeth D. Kaminski

### This is a work of fiction. All names, locations, and characters are fictitious and are a product of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual events, names, locales, or persons living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Julia - 24 Roses

IT'S ANOTHER MORNING OF kneeling in front of the toilet dry heaving until my stomach comes to terms with the fact that there's nothing left in it. It's my newest morning ritual, and definitely not my favorite. It's been five days since I've been able to drink a cup of coffee, having traded it in for mint tea, and the same since I've had what could be considered real food. Chicken broth and crackers are the only things I can manage to keep down, until morning comes along anyway. With all that mentioned and without having to take a test, I know I'm pregnant.

It would appear that my decision to not have more babies after the twins were born was a good one, a really good one. If I didn't know any better, I'd think this one was out to kill me. I've lost five pounds due to my lack of nutrition and morning sickness. Five pounds wouldn't usually bother me, but it's not just me I have to worry about anymore. So, I've scheduled an appointment with my doctor for this afternoon. I just have to get through this day.

I needed something different from the routine we had together, so I've been taking the train to work since Derick left. It's a change that will be forced to an end with the Gov't Center Station closing for construction soon anyway. But today I don't think I have the energy to make it to the train station without becoming completely exhausted and I have my appointment later, so I'm going to drive. Driving to the office alone is horrible. It's bad enough seeing his empty office and his signatures on documents still being handled. But what nearly breaks me is when people ask if I've heard from him. It's as if there's a coalition focused on twisting the knife that's still lodged in my heart. I don't tell them, but I have heard from him. Every day.

Every day since the night we broke up, there's been a single rose left on my door. Slipped through the knocker at its center. Even during the week that I took off, though I was hardly aware of anything going on around me, they were stealthily placed. The first time I bothered to leave the condo, they were in a pile in front of the door. There's never any note, just the rose. As of yesterday, I'm up to twenty-four.

Twenty-four days that I've gone to bed alone and woke up the same way. Twenty-four roses and at least twenty-four hundred tears cried in acknowledgment that he hasn't yet let go. And two good reasons I should stop being so ridiculous and hop on the next flight to be with him. First being that I'm still completely in love with him. The second is this life he left growing inside me. But those reasons don't outweigh the one reason he's not here, not for me anyway.

With the daily delivery of roses, I figure he has accomplices here in Boston because I know for a fact that Derick is back in Santa Barbara. His mother texted me a couple of times after his return. She wasn't angry with me and she says she understands but still wishes that we could find a way. I wish that too. It's so hard to explain why I had to do it, but I had to and not a day goes by that I wish it could be different. I was so close to having it all again. A man that loved me, parents, siblings, and a nephew. Now it's just this baby and me.

I haven't said anything to Frank about the baby yet. For one, I need to confirm what I already know. Secondly, I know he's always on my side, but I also know he'll insist I tell Derick. I only wish I could because I know what it did to him, not knowing about his son. It broke his heart knowing he'd missed so much. I'm no better than Ann in my actions now because I'm committing the same sin, stealing this time from him. But for us it's always more complicated than that. It's not just what I'm doing to him, it's why.

Before it was about him choosing me over his son. Now it's about choosing one child over another. I'm dissolving a decision that could break, not only, one but four people. One of which, as it grows inside me, has become my number one reason for breathing. I still love Derick so much, but he's not my number one priority anymore.

I busy myself with things around the office, simple things that don't require much focus. Due to my lack of energy, sick stomach, and minor case of anxiety over my appointment, I know I'm not on my game today. For the first time ever, I'm not able to hide behind my work. Even work is not enough to take my worries away. The day goes by slowly, too slowly, and a thought crosses my mind that hasn't dared in the last seven years. I should've just stayed home.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I leave the office early, as planned, to head to the doctor's office. It strikes me as so funny that I was here just a few months ago to get on birth control. Now, it's a one hundred eighty degree turn to take a pregnancy test. I'm sure this happens more often than one would think, and I've now joined that statistic. Only I'm probably not the type it typically happens to. I'm not young, scared, and financially unstable, but I'm sure I do meet one common factor. I'm single.

Doing this alone doesn't scare me though. Earning the money I do, I'm able to maintain a sizable savings and have the means to raise this child alone. I've even considered selling the condo, for its actual value, and buying something new. I can take some time off work in the beginning, then hire a nanny when I go back. They're all just thoughts in process right now, but all real possibilities. Everything will work out. I'm sure of it.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'm sitting on the examining table wearing my paper gown and waiting for the doctor to make her entrance. My mind travels back to the last time I found out I was pregnant. More than fifteen years ago. I was still so young, and as happy as we were, it was news that took more than a moment to process. Alex was in school and working a full-time job and I was working as well. His parents had cut him off from his school money because of me, so I was more than willing to work. I had to make sure they didn't win in their attempt to cause him failure. He'd already finished his first year and was almost halfway through his second when we got the news. It would be another couple of months before we would get the other half of the big news—we were having twins.

It's one of those memories that makes me cry only because it was such a happy and beautiful time in my life. It's as I'm wiping tears from my face that my doctor, Dr. Stewart, walks into the room. She takes one look at me and immediately tries to comfort me.

"Being emotional is perfectly normal you know," she says while pulling a tissue from a box by the sink and handing it to me. "It could get worse as time goes, or it may disappear in an instant. Each woman is different."

"I know. This is not my first rodeo." She flips through my chart quickly and then addresses me again.

"So, you already know the result of your test?"

I nod. "Not your scientific pee stick results. But it all seemed pretty obvious, from what I remember anyway."

"I see here your last pregnancy was a set of twins? They're fifteen years old now. So you're starting over."

"Yes, pretty much." I don't see any point in telling her any more than she needs to know. This isn't about them, it's about me now.

"Any questions or problems so far?"

"No questions really, except for how far along I am and when my due date is. I've been experiencing awful morning sickness that leaves me weak and I've dropped a few pounds. That's about all."

"Well," she says, flipping through the chart again, then taking the circular dial tool from her pocket, turning it to match the information she's just noted. "You're right at about five and a half weeks if your dates are correct, putting you due in late October. We'll say the twenty-seventh. We'll get you on some vitamins and I'll write down the name of a couple of over-the-counter medications you can take for the nausea. They may not work, because again, everyone's different. Just take it easy if you need to. You're thirty-five, which automatically qualifies you for high-risk treatment. The cons to that are more appointments and more monitoring towards the end. The pros are that you'll get more opportunities to see, hear, and get pictures of your baby. You're healthy, so I'm sure it's all going to be purely precautionary."

"That's a lot to take in. High-risk sounds a little scary, but whatever needs to be done, I'll do it. I'll do anything to keep this baby safe." My hand goes to my stomach in a protective manner. I will do anything.

"I figured as much. Are you ready for the first look? It won't be much, but we should be able to see a little something. I'm going to do a quick exam and we'll get you your first set of pictures."

"I'm ready." I scoot down on the table to allow her to do what's needed, which only takes a few minutes. Then she calls my attention to the screen that's sitting on the cart where the ultrasound machine is stationed.

"This is an endovaginal ultrasound. At your projected gestation, it will help us confirm dates and rule out some early abnormalities." She inserts the wand and I watch the screen. After a moment, the image on the screen changes and she begins to narrate what I'm seeing. "That's your amniotic sac and it looks good. And that right there—that's your baby." I gasp at this indecipherable image. It's just a white blotch on the screen, but such a miracle. She pushes buttons and makes prints. "Was your last period normal?"

"I guess. It was a little lighter than normal, but it has been since I started the pill. It didn't seem abnormal. Why? Is something wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong, just not what I expected. Your baby's measurements tell me that you're a little further along than we thought. I'll have to wait to see blood results to confirm your hormone levels, but I'd put you between eight and nine weeks. It's likely your last period wasn't a period at all. I'll have to recalculate your due date, but I think you're at the last week of September to the first week of October now."

I try to wrap my head around her words. I can't believe that for more than a month, Derick and I were together and expecting a baby, but we never knew. He never would have left if he had. My memory travels to the day I found out about his son, how I went to my office and got sick and how I was off for a couple of days before that. It's all starting to add up.

"I knew I was pregnant, but I didn't quite expect this."

"Think of it this way—I just gave you a four week get out of jail free card on the morning sickness, since typically it lasts through the first trimester. Now let's take a listen." She then moves the wand slightly and turns a knob. I hear it. It's faint at first, but it's fast and tears fill my eyes while a smile takes over my face.

"Is that...?" I'm so overwhelmed that I can't finish my question.

"That's the heartbeat and it sounds great. Very strong."

That's our baby's heart, it's beating and it's the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. It's amazing how that sound can change what you want and how you feel. I can't believe I was so resistant to this possibility when we were together. I suddenly realize that just like my memories, I'm not trying to replace my family, it was never about that. I only wanted one and am now creating another.

Derick

IT'S AMAZING TO ME HOW I grew up here, went to school here, I spent my whole life on these beaches, and now I feel like a complete stranger that doesn't belong. I've only been back three weeks, but it seems like forever that I've been away from her. It's a fact that instantly puts me in a shitty mood and, unfortunately, it's something I think about often. I wasted no time leaving Boston because I knew if I didn't go quickly, I might not have had the strength to leave at all. I know her reasons for wanting me to go. She was right and that's the reason I didn't fight her. That and I'm a smart man who knew he was fucked either way. If I left, it meant losing her. If I stayed, I'd have lost her too, and for no good reason at all.

Jules was right though. I need to be here with Connor, my son. When I'm with him, it's the only time I can be happy under these circumstances. He's my light and, as Jules once called him, my miracle. Holding him, listening to him giggle, and having him fall asleep on my chest, almost makes me forget how much pain I feel when he's not with me. When I'm alone, without either of them, I almost can't stand it.

I must pick up my phone at least fifty times a day to see if she messaged or called, or to message or call her. Of course, neither ever happens and I wonder if she struggles as much as I do. Does she ever want to call me and ask me to come back? Does she cry herself to sleep like I do? She always made it seem as though I was the one with all the strength and she depended on mine. Without her, I'm finding that she had it all wrong. I am only able to be strong because of her, for her. We were strong for each other at the exact moments we had to be.

It didn't take much to get my old job back. After all, the only reason I left was to escape. I'm staying in my parents' guesthouse for now, though. I'll get my rental in a couple of weeks, but I'm unwilling and resistant to lay down any roots. I'm still trying to figure out how I can keep my son and get Jules back and how we can be a family. The only real obstacle is Ann. As much as I hate what she did to me and how she treated me, she is the mother of my child. To have my way would mean taking him away from her and I don't know that I can do that. Whether we are together or not, he needs both of us. But I'm keeping my place in Boston, which for now is being sublet, just in case my heart finally wins the fight one day, and I want to go back.

I'm on my way to pick Connor up now. We're having a family dinner at my parents' house this afternoon. My sister, Carrie, her husband, and my nephew, Issac will also be there to meet their nephew and cousin for the first time. They haven't met Connor yet because Carrie's schedule has never worked out when I've had him at the house, which has only been a few times. And though my parents have seen him a couple of times now, this dinner will serve as an official celebration of the newest member of our family.

I pull up to the house, my old house, and park the car. I just sit for a minute, staring at the door and taking in old memories of when I used to be happy to pull up into this driveway, knowing my wife was on the other side of it waiting for me. I also think back to the last time I pulled into this driveway when it was _my_ house.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It was a Friday and I had just finished a big project at work. A project that was going to put my company on the map and I was the lead editor. I'd spent months on it, working late, working early, you name it. I'd hoped that my success in the end would result in a promotion.

I'm summoned to my boss Evan Patrick's office late in the morning. I have no doubt as to why he wants to speak to me, no doubt I'll be praised. I just hope it doesn't stop there. I know it's arrogant to expect anything more, but I earned the promotion to Managing Editor. With any luck, that's what he's about to tell me.

"Derick, sit down." I do and Evan takes his place behind his desk. "You did a great job on the Diaz Project. I want to let you know that all your time and dedication to this job has not gone unnoticed."

"That's nice to hear. I busted my ass on this, and I'm glad my efforts were successful."

"That they were. This has proved what I knew all along, that you are a leader. You took charge, you got results, you kept on task, and managed your team. Which is why, we're going to offer you the position as Managing Editor. You've earned it. Your success is ours. We want you to know that and continue making both of us look good."

"I can and will do that."

"We know you will. Monday morning we'll have your new office ready and we'll make the announcement. I'll assign your team and I already have another unique piece of work for you."

"This is great. I can't wait to show you how much more I can do."

"We can't wait to see. Take off early today. Go celebrate with your wife and we'll see you back bright and early Monday morning."

"Thanks. I have one thing to take care of here and then I'll head out. Thank you again for this incredible opportunity."

"No problem, Derick. You earned it."

I leave Evan's office with more confidence than I walked in with. Usually when you feel that you've earned something, you end up defeated, but not this time. I'm pumped to start my new position and excited to get home and tell Ann all about it.

I stop on my way home to get a bottle of champagne, thoughts of how we will spend our evening playing in my head. A hot bath filled with our two bodies, candlelight, and a bottle of bubbly. Nothing has ever sounded so perfect. Not that money has ever been an issue in the matter, but maybe with the raise I'll be getting I can finally convince her to start a family.

I pull up to the house and notice Michael's car parked in the driveway. I don't think much of it really. We've all been friends for years, and he was over the other night for dinner, maybe he forgot something. I'll be able to tell them both the good news at the same time.

I walk in and head for the kitchen to put the champagne on ice. Strangely, I don't see or hear either Ann or Michael. Taking the detour from the kitchen to the living room, I still don't see anyone. I start up the stairs to our room and when I reach the top, I hear them. I hear them in a way I shouldn't and never imagined I would. Instantly enraged and already knowing what I'm about to see, I open the door.

Absolutely nothing can prepare you for the moment when you see your wife and your best friend fucking on your bed. But in that moment, I knew exactly what I needed to do. I'd been trying so hard for so long to make my marriage work and the only thing that did work was the sex. Seeing the two of them was the slap in the face I needed to wake up and see that she didn't want the things I wanted and staying in that marriage would slowly kill me from the inside out. She didn't want a family and children, even though early on she said she did. This was a sign that it was time to walk away.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I moved out immediately, taking up residence in my parents' guesthouse and filed for divorce. That's when I got Ginger. Though I really didn't miss Ann, I felt alone. A co-worker had mentioned that they had recently adopted a dog from an animal rescue center and the idea sounded more than appealing. As soon as I saw her I knew. Not only was I rescuing her, she was going to rescue me.

Funny how things have changed. Not funny as in comical, but in the way things have worked out. Ann was finally able to give me what I wanted, and in doing so, she cost me the woman that made me complete. She succeeded in giving me a life and taking away another at the same time.

Julia - 27 Roses

THANKFULLY THE NAUSEA MEDICATION my doctor suggested is working a little and as long as I remember to take my vitamins at night, my morning sickness is now bearable. With the pregnancy stealing most of my concentration over the last couple of weeks, I'm finding myself in a position I never have before—I'm falling behind with my work. Frank hasn't said anything about it yet, probably figuring that my promise to come back from my week off "stronger than ever" was empty from the moment it was made and I'm content to let him think that for now because I'm not ready to reveal the real reasons that lie above and beyond the obvious.

I've also been thinking about when the time comes for me to take maternity leave. I'd assume that if the company is set on maintaining two managing editors, they'll have a replacement for Derick by then. That thought causes me so much sadness. For them to replace him is really such an easy task and I find myself almost jealous of the simplicity of it. For me, there is no simple replacement or substitution for him, because for me, he wasn't just part of a job, he was my life. Part of him still is.

I blink quickly to hold back the tears threatening to escape. Not here. Not now. I have to push back all my thoughts of him to the part of my mind that's only allowed to think of him in private. Since thoughts and memories are all I have, they already steal too much of my time, time I need to manage more wisely.

Shuffling through papers on my desk, I come across something I started a while ago. It's the list I made when I proposed to Frank that we should cross-train someone to carry the office in our absence while we were all to be in Santa Barbara for the wedding. I allow myself only a second to reminisce before returning to the here and now and coming up with an idea. A brilliant idea. One that protects me in more than one way and I'll waste no time pushing it into action.

I pick up my phone and dial Franks extension.

"Frank Lawson here." He must have picked up without looking.

"It's Julia. Do you have a minute?"

"Do you ever give me the option to say no?"

"Good point. I'm on my way over." I set down the receiver and quickly gather my thoughts for my proposal. He won't be able to deny me. He has never been able to.

I walk down to Frank's office with only my cup of tea and a file in hand and let myself in, greeting Ashley as I walk by her desk. Over the years, she's come to understand that Frank and I operate differently than others in the office. I'm also sure that at some point, there was an assumption that our dynamic was attributed to office romance, which of course was never the case. Derick and I probably squashed all those thoughts.

I walk over and sit in the chair I always sit in, set my file on the edge of the desk, and sit patiently cradling my cup in my hands. He's busy at the moment and I'm really in no hurry. When he's finished he starts with small talk, asking the question I hate the most.

"How are you doing, Julia? I mean, really doing." He's noticed my shortcomings lately and as he should, he wants an explanation.

"I'm okay. I won't lie to you because you'd see right through it. I won't say I'm good. I won't say I'm great, but I will safely settle for okay."

"I'm worried. Julia, I'm your friend but I'm also your boss. We have an office to keep running."

"I know. That's why I'm here. I need help, but I'm not so quick to want you to hire another _partner_ for me. I'm not ready for that, but I have an idea I think we might both be able to work with."

"I'm listening."

"I'd like to start training Joanne. If you remember, we talked about it weeks ago. She's sharp and I know she can do this job. Let me work with her and maybe you can save us both the trouble of hiring someone from the outside again. I'm sure that with her help, we can get caught up and stay on course." Well, one part of how I operate has gone unscathed. Make it sound so good, he won't say no.

"Well, you do have some good points. I'm not too pleased to have to look for a new managing editor and I haven't had anyone inquiring about the position. How long has Joanne been with us?"

"Five years. But, she has excellent credentials. She came to us from New York by recommendation. Her resume is more than flattering, and she's three years older than me so my title of _youngest Managing Editor_ will remain intact." I flash an exaggerated smile to show my pride for the title.

"You've thought this through. All right, set up a meeting with her this afternoon. I've always trusted you, Julia, both professionally and personally. Please know that I'm here for you, you know, if there's anything I can do."

"I know and thank you. It's taking me a while to get back to normal, but I'll get there."

"I know you will." He does know because he's seen me come back from much worse. On the scale of life's curveballs, my current situation seems trivial.

I leave Frank's office, stopping to ask Ashley to set up a meeting with Frank, Joanne, and myself for that afternoon. As I walk back to my office, I feel a smidgen of guilt for withholding the truth behind my suggestion from Frank. The truth that I'm so scared to take the chance of him hiring a replacement for Derick, because no one could effectively and efficiently replace him. There's also the truth that he will need someone to take my position when I leave to have this baby, a position I'm not sure I'll even return to.

To make myself feel better about my deception, I tell myself that he doesn't need to know these truths right now because there are other reasons that I can use to justify my actions and there's plenty of time to confess the real ones that fuel them.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

At two in the afternoon, Frank, Joanne, and I meet together in Frank's office. I can tell she has no idea why she's here but doesn't appear nervous at all. She makes me think of myself and what I could be in the few years it'll take me to match her current age. She's confident, attractive, and passionate about what she does. Why has she never asked for more in her career? She has the experience and the ability but has never once in her time here made the move towards something bigger. I just really hope she doesn't decline the offer she's about to receive because though she doesn't know it, she's my only hope right now.

Joanne and I sit next to each other while Frank sits comfortably behind his desk. She doesn't appear nervous, but it's obvious that she's wondering why she's here. Getting called in by the two of us would intimidate most people, but she's not intimidated; curious may be a better word. This is Frank's meeting so he begins speaking first.

"Joanne. Julia and I have been talking and have decided that our next managing editor should be chosen from our current staff. We, however, have also acknowledged that there is not anyone that's ready to take that position right now. We do think, however, that with some mentoring, we have one very promising prospect." Stop beating around the fucking bush Frank! Let a woman handle this.

"What Frank is trying to say, Joanne, is that we think you have that potential and I would like to mentor you."

"Me?" She looks at us questioningly.

"Yes. I mentioned to Frank that I saw the makings of a leader in you and that we shouldn't look elsewhere for what we have right in front of us." I carry on the conversation with Joanne as if it's just her and me; Frank's presence being temporarily ignored. "You don't have to accept, but I think you should give it some thought. You would be working with me and I will teach you everything you need to know, most of which I'm sure you already do know. You'd be doing yourself and the company a huge service, not to mention the assistance you'd be giving me. To be honest, I got used to the help that a partner provided me and it would be nice to have it back."

"Can I think about this? I've never even considered management. I'm quite comfortable with coming in, doing what I need to, and going home at the end of the day. When do you want my answer?"

"By the end of the week," Frank chimes in, to remind us that he's here and that this is his meeting after all.

Joanne rises from her seat and reaches to shake my hand and then Frank's.

"Ms. Morreau. Mr. Lawson. Thank you for the offer of this incredible opportunity. I'll give it some thought and give you my answer by the end of the week." She makes her way towards the door and just before opening it to leave, she makes eye contact with me. It's only for a second, but her eyes are wise and knowing. She knows there's more to this offer than is being admitted. I said it myself, she's sharp.

Derick

ANN ASKED ME OVER for dinner tonight and having no other plans, I accepted the invitation. I jump at every chance I have to see my boy. After all, he's my only reason for being here. My sacrifices and Julia's were for him.

Pulling up to the house tonight doesn't have the same effect it did the first time I came here. I suppose that was my equivalent to ripping off a bandage I'd worn since the day I left. I was revisiting a place that used to make me think I had it all, a place I never thought I'd want to leave. But in the end, I couldn't leave fast enough.

I walk up and knock on the door and I'm greeted by Ann and on her hip is my son. It's almost painful how my heart reacts to the sight of him because as soon as I see him, I just want to hold him. I reach for him and to my pleasant surprise, he reaches for me too. He knows who I am and that fills my heart with bliss.

Before he's made it into my arms, a beeping sound comes from the kitchen and Ann hurries the exchange to go tend to it. Connor and I close the door and follow her towards the kitchen.

"It smells good." She always was a good cook.

"Thank you. I made a lasagna, garlic bread, and panna cotta for dessert. Hope you're hungry." She smiles at me before opening the oven to remove the piping hot dish.

Her hair hangs down over her shoulder as she bends down and I can't help but think of how beautiful I once found her. It's times like this, when I'm seeing the woman that I loved for so long, acting like the woman that I loved for so long, that I wonder why. Why did she need to hurt me? Why did she abstain from wanting a family with me? Why did it take her getting pregnant at the most inopportune time to get us to this point? But I know the answers to all the _whys_ I ask. At the end of the day she's not beautiful. She's selfish and that's a part of my guard I can't ever let down.

I play with Connor as she finishes preparing dinner and after helping my little man with his hand washing, we meet her in the dining room. I put him in his highchair and he pounds on the tray, obviously knowing what's coming next. She made a bowl of lasagna for him that she cut up into small pieces because he still only has a few teeth. He lets out a quick scream and pounds again, obviously letting her know that her time is up and he's ready to eat.

The finesse and patience she has with him is remarkable and, for me, it's a pleasure to watch. Any thought I had of taking him from her seems like such a cruel idea because of moments like this. I wanted nothing more than to be vengeful and punish her by taking him and going back to Boston and to Julia, but knowing how much _my_ love for him has developed in such a short time, I can only imagine how strong hers must be.

There's a bottle of wine on the table and two glasses, so while she quiets the hungry monster with his first couple of bites of food, I open it and pour us both a glass.

"Oh, thank you," she says.

"No problem. He sure was hungry, wasn't he?"

"He always is. At his last appointment the doctor said he's gained a pound and a half." She turns to him with another spoonful and says, "You're my little piggy-wiggy, aren't you?" He opens his mouth to take the bite and is sated for the moment.

"Would you like me to feed him so that you can eat? I'm sure it's been awhile since you've had a hot meal." She thinks for only a second before handing the bowl to me.

"Have at it, Dad." I fill the spoon and bring it closer to his eagerly waiting mouth. "Just be careful. Sometimes—" she starts to say but the reason for her warning is already in motion.

Before the words could even make their way out of her mouth, Connor lifts his hands and smacks the spoon right out of my hand, resulting in red sauce flying everywhere. Two loud sighs fill the now quiet space and my little boy, literally caught red-handed, brings his hand to his mouth and starts sucking the sauce off, acting as though nothing's the matter.

I start to laugh and when I do, Ann and Connor join in.

"I tried to warn you," she says, "but it was already too late. Let me get you a towel."

She gets up and goes to the kitchen and I use that private time to commend Connor on his flawless execution in ruining my new white shirt and use my fork to, carefully, give him another bite. This time we have food to mouth success.

Ann comes back with a wet towel and starts trying to dab the sauce from my shirt. The contact makes me uncomfortable and I take the towel from her so that I may complete the task myself. She gives me that look. You know the one when you know you've hurt someone's feelings. Hurting her wasn't my intention but I was, in fact, rejecting her in the nicest way possible. She walks over, taking her seat again and takes a large gulp of her wine all the while trying to avoid looking in my direction.

"Ann," She looks down at her plate and picks up her fork to shuffle food around her plate.

"Don't. I get it," she huffs out.

"Do you?" Is she finally ready to admit her responsibility in making us what we are to each other now?

"I'm not her. If it was Julia, you wouldn't have stopped her would you?" Just as I thought. She'll place blame anywhere but on herself.

"No, you're not her, but it's not about her at all."

"Then what's it about, Derick? You moved back here. I just thought that meant you might have wanted to give _us_ another chance. For him," she says as she gestures to Connor.

"My moving back here is all about him. _We_ , you and I, as his parents, do need to have a relationship, but it'll never be what we had. That's gone."

She lifts her glass again and guzzles what's left, leaving it empty. As if now filled with courage or numbed by the alcohol streaming through her veins, she offers a truce in the only way she knows how.

"Well, I've had enough of this conversation. How about you? You want to go for a walk? Connor and I take a walk every night before his bath time."

"I think that sounds nice. Let's finish eating and I'll get him cleaned up." I take a bite of my food and it's so good that I remember that there were only ever two things that _always_ worked between Ann and me. Sex and her cooking.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia - 29 Roses

Friday, Joanne came into my office after lunch. As I would have, she waited until the last minute to give us her decision. She knows she's worth it and wants us to know it too. I've never worked closely with her, but I don't miss anything that goes on in this office and I know we will work well together.

"Ms. Morreau," she begins.

"Please, from now on, it's Julia."

"Okay, Julia. I just came from Frank's office. I've thought about the offer and I've decided to take it. I didn't think I'd ever want this, but now that the opportunity has presented itself, it seems like something I'd like to do."

"I'm happy to hear this. I have no doubt that you are cut out for this and will impress me beyond my expectations. You'll keep your desk, but Monday morning, you'll come straight to me. I'll lay out the responsibilities and your new duties. Do not hesitate to ask questions, but I also want you to be assertive. This position requires leadership and confidence."

"I'll take this very seriously. Thank you again."

"No. Thank you."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When I get home Friday night, the rose is there, right where I've come to expect it, on my door. Rose number twenty-nine marks another day he hasn't let go of me. Another day I haven't let go of him. As I slip my key into the lock of my door, I'm startled by a man's voice behind me. I turn and only a few feet from me stands my neighbor, alone. I've never really taken in his physical features, writing him off as a man-slut and vowing that he would never be the source of my sexual undoing. No, Derick got to hold that title.

Maybe it's my crazy out of whack hormones, but looking at him now, I see why he has so many women, different women, every time I see him. He's really quite attractive, having a tanned complexion that's slightly hidden by a day's worth of growth on the bottom half of his face and the short, styled cut of his dark brown hair. It's definitely my hormones talking and they are screaming: Sexy!

I'm so caught off guard by my body's unwarranted reaction to him that I realize I didn't even hear what he said.

"I'm sorry, excuse me?"

"I said, you must be a very special woman. Every day, a rose. Someone refuses to forget you." And it's those words that turn off my body's erratic needs and remind me that there's only one man who could sate them.

"I suppose, but it would be better if he did." I can't believe I just said that aloud to another person. Someone I don't even know.

"It's easy to see why it's so difficult for him." Suddenly uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation, I resume the task of unlocking my door. "If you ever want to have a drink or something, you know where I live." He points across the hall to his door.

"Thanks, but I don't think—"

He holds his hands up in a gesture of peace. "I'm not hitting on you. You just look like you could use a friend. My name is Rhyse. Rhyse Carter." His words are genuine and my nerves settle at his proclamation.

"Julia Morreau." I hold out my hand for a friendly handshake. I've lived across the hall from him for years and we've never officially met. "I'm sorry. It's just been a long week and I'm a little off. Thank you. I'll keep your invitation in mind."

"I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but heartache doesn't last forever, Julia. Only love can do that." A sincere smile tugs at his lips and he gives me a small nod before he makes his way to the elevator.

His words and the sincerity I feel behind them are more than likely spoken by a man who's experienced heartache. Without even knowing him, I now feel like I understand him in the smallest of ways. It's probably why I've never seen him with the same woman twice; why he hides here in this tower. He's a little broken. Just like me.

Julia - 30 Roses

I'M SO SICK OF being stuck in this condo! Other than going to work and to the doctor, I haven't left this place in over a month. It's time to get out and get some fresh air. It's still cold but I don't care. I look out the window and see there's a possibility of rain coming in. So what? I'll take my umbrella. Maybe I need a little rain to cleanse my soul right now.

I take off down Beacon Street towards the garden. For a minute I think of the last time I made this walk from my place. I went to talk to Alex and asked him for a sign. Moments later Derick showed up and I knew it was Alex doing what I'd asked. He was never able to deny me and death didn't change that.

I get to Public Garden and instead of finding my bench and sitting down, I just keep walking. I walk, avoiding anywhere that might make me think too much about the past. I'm not a third of the way through the park when the rain starts to come down and rather than opening my umbrella to shield myself from it, I welcome it and let it wash over me.

It feels so good to be out and to be careless for just a little while. I just need a few hours to not have to think and not have to look strong. I just want to walk among strangers and feel like the person I let so few people see. And how will I spend my hours of freedom? Walking across Boston Common, in the rain, to my favorite book store, then to Thinking Cup to have a chai tea and a bagel.

The rain has slowed a little by the time I reach Thinking Cup and a crowd of people, who had taken refuge from the rain, shuffle out at the first opportunity, leaving only a few patrons in the shop. I order my tea and bagel, then I park myself at the counter right at the front window and take out my new book to start reading. Granted, it's the same thing I'd be doing at home, but it's different. Though I don't interact, I'm surrounded by people—by life. Every once in awhile I look up and watch the people walking by outside. I find it so normal, because I've been here so long, but it's interesting how the weather never stops anyone here. In rain, shine, and even snow you'll see people walking about, tending to their business.

Today the rain stops no one and I feel liberated to be out amongst them. I eat the last of my bagel and look back down at my book when someone walking by catches my eye. It's a woman pushing a stroller and the child sitting in it is a little girl, maybe four years old. I just watch as she stops to tend to the little girl, buttoning her little coat up and making sure she's warm enough. The smile that plays on both their faces is the most beautiful thing ever to watch. The woman pulls off the glove from her left hand to better handle her task and I have no idea why, but the first thing I notice is that she's not wearing a ring.

I think to myself: that will be me in five years. The notion of being a single mother is again summoned to the forefront of my thoughts. She and I, we're no different. But I find myself taking her in and idolizing her very being. I _will_ look that happy one day while taking a walk with my child on a rainy day. The weather won't stop me and being alone won't stop me because I'm not going to let it.

I go back to reading my book and try to lose myself in the words, but that is much easier said than done. It's time for me to get moving again. I have energy today and I don't want to waste it. It's time to do what I wasn't able to do before I met Derick, and what I really haven't done since. I don't want to merely exist while watching everyone else live their lives around me. I want to live a little too.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Monday I've got a small case of the sniffles thanks to my walking in the rain escapades from the weekend. I basically can't or won't take anything that's not approved by my doctor and I'm not making a special trip to her office for a little cold. My choice of self-medication is hot echinacea tea with lemon and honey and some vitamin C. Thankfully, by Tuesday I'm already feeling better.

We kept the first two days simple by giving Joanne the breakdown of what exactly it is that I do and together we have devised a plan to get caught up. Her ideas are fresh and insightful. Though I have a lot of confidence in my abilities, she's coming in with a new vision, which just might be what the office and I need.

I think I'm going to love having her around and not just for her drive and work ethic which almost mirrors mine. Actually, I think I'm going to like her in a very different way, one I haven't had the pleasure of in seven years. I think, well I hope, we might just become friends.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

I've gotten a call from Ann to come to the house every night this week. I love spending time with Connor, but the time I'm spending with _her_ is starting to feel like a bad idea. I think she's reading into it and gaining hope that _our_ situation is changing, which it is not.

Just last night I was sitting on the couch at the house and an exhausted Connor had fallen asleep on my chest. I was in no hurry to move him because I loved the way it felt to have him in my arms. However, Ann, knowing I was trapped for the time being, opened back up a topic of conversation that I thought we'd silently agreed to avoid.

"Have you talked to her? Julia?" I should be surprised by her question but I'm not. She's just looking for our next argument. Negative attention from me is better than none at all.

"No. Not since I left and I don't want to talk about it, okay?"

"Why?" She's being persistent.

"Why what? And why is it you're asking questions about her?"

"Just wondering. You told me you were going to marry her. What changed enough to make you leave her?"

"Nothing changed. She wanted me to be here for him," I say putting my hand on Connor's back and rubbing softly.

"So, you're here because she wanted you to be? Not because you want to be?" I have a feeling I just unknowingly pushed the bitch button.

"No. I never said that. Don't put words in my mouth." Connor starts to stir and it's likely because he can feel my stress level growing with Ann's questions. So I'm careful to keep my voice low when I continue. "What's this about? I thought you'd had enough of this conversation. Why are you bringing it up again?" I pat his back to settle him back down and try to make my breathing more even and calming.

"I just thought... never mind. I guess I was just being stupid to think that you came here by your own choice. Stupid to think that we could ever be a family again." Now she's shaking her head and acting like a battered woman.

I do not want to get into this with her right now, but she's the one that brought it up and maybe now is the perfect time to set things straight.

"Look, I'm going to be the dick that this entire situation has made me from the beginning of it and say the things I'm not supposed to say. I don't know what you see happening here, but I think I need to be clear when I tell you that, no, it wasn't my first choice to come back here. Not because I didn't want to be with my son, but because I didn't want to leave the life I had there and the love I had there. She told me I had to, because she knows what it's like to not have another chance. I came back for him, only him. Not for you. Not for us because there is no us, Ann. There hasn't been for a long time. You are the mother of my child, that's all." The tension is high between us and Connor starts to wake up again. I try to soothe him but it doesn't seem to help this time.

"Then _you_ should go back to Boston if you love it and _her_ so much." When she says the word _her_ , it's laced with so much bitterness, that it triggers my instinct to protect Julia, even in her absence.

"Ann. Don't." I know by the way she looks at me that she understands the warning I'm giving her. She stands and tries to take him from me, but I twist him out of her reach. "He's fine."

"It's time for his bath and I think it's time for you to go." As much as I don't want to leave him, I couldn't agree more.

I stand with him, give him a kiss and mutter a goodbye, then hand him to his mother. She doesn't say another word while I pick up my jacket and exit the house. The whole way home, I keep replaying the conversation and the way neither of us ever referred to Jules by name, aside from Ann's initial question. I avoided it because it would have felt too personal to share with Ann. I think she avoided it for darker reasons. Ann hates Jules because she knows, or thinks she knows, that Jules is the one keeping her from having what she wants.

From the first time Ann came to Boston, she never tried to hide the fact that she wanted me back in one way or another. I also knew that Connor was her way—her tool—to bend me at her will. I'm almost thankful that Jules didn't come here with me, and that she's not in the middle of all this. At least in Boston, I know Jules is safe and far from Ann's wrath.

Julia - 36 Roses

I MANAGE TO MAKE it to the end of the week and I feel better than ever about my suggestion to begin training Joanne. In fact, today I looked forward to coming to work, which I haven't been able to say in thirty-six days and thirty-six roses. These days I have my own calendar, my own way of knowing how many days have passed, which in turn reminds me how many are left until I'm not alone anymore, but that remains my little secret. It may not be a healthy practice, but it's how I get through the days without him. Although I don't always like what the roses represent, I look forward to them. But I also have a fantasy that one day I'll find him at my door instead.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Joanne and I are having lunch in my office, my treat for a week well done, when she starts with small talk.

"Any big plans this weekend?"

"No. You? I'm sure your weekends are much more exciting than mine," I say before taking another huge bite of my sandwich. I'm starving!

"What makes you think that?"

I hold up a finger while I finish chewing. "You just don't seem like a woman that sits around much, unlike me who sits in her condo reading all weekend."

"We need to get you out! Cooped up inside is no way for a beautiful and young professional to spend her days off. We should go see a show or do dinner and drinks. I am currently unattached and horny as hell so a girls' night sounds fun. A few cocktails and maybe even dragging some handsome stranger to bed so I can have my way with him. What do you say, Julia? You can be my wing-woman?"

It does sound fun. But, given that any girls' night of mine is limited to virgin drinks and no handsome strangers, I'm afraid my presence would likely be more of a buzzkill than a partner in crime.

"Sorry, I can't but Nora loves to party. Maybe—"

"Uh, no," she cuts me off. "We, her and I, are in different leagues. Not that I listen much to office talk, but I hear she's slept with almost every guy under thirty in this office. I'm a little more choosy than that." I blush and shake my head and she just smiles as if she understands that I'm not completely wise to the ways of being single and the concept casual sex. "Besides that, my luck would have people think that I'm her mother."

"No way! You do not look old enough to be her mom. Sexy older sister, maybe I can see that." We both break into a fit of giggles.

"I'll take sexy sister any day, but it won't be with her. Go out with me, Julia!" How do I say no without an explanation? I'm not quite ready to _tell all_.

"Really, I can't. But if you do go, have a drink for me and be safe."

"You're a riddle to me, Ms. Julia, but I'm going to figure you out. One thing I'm already sure of is that behind your tough exterior, I think you just need a friend. And just to show you that I'm a fair player, I'll let you in on a secret about me. I could use a friend too."

The corners of my mouth turn up in a smile and I know that I'm being given yet another chance to have something I'd long ago lost.

"Thank you." I don't feel the need to say anything else in response because I think she knows or suspects more about me than she's letting on already. She smiles back and we both commit to silence by filling our mouths with deliciousness.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Kisses are being feathered over my stomach while hands are wandering over more curvaceous parts of my body and neither is any less erotic. My nipples are so sensitive to his touch and act as an igniter for other parts of me that long for the feel of his skin. But he only teases me by getting close to where I want to be touched and then pulling away. He's making me crazy, but he thinks this is a fun little game. I disagree, it's been too long and I can't wait much longer.

" _I've missed you so much, Jules," he says as he rises over me and kisses my lips, softly at first and then more hungry._

" _I need you, Derick. I need to feel you. I need you to satisfy this longing I've had since the day you left. I've missed you so much."_

He positions himself between my legs and when the connection is made, I see stars. My body has changed so much and every touch, every feeling is intensified a thousand times. He's careful to be slow and tender, each thrust sensual and quickly bringing me to my release. I dig my nails into his skin and move to meet him with every draw. I'm so close.

" _Derick! Oh my..."_

" _Are you there, Baby? You feel incredible."_

" _Yes. Yes. Yes!"_

We both cum together, then he collapses over me. I fight for air beneath him but don't want him to move. But the struggle becomes too much and I start to feel like I'm suffocating.

" _Derick, honey, I can't breathe." He looks up at me with wild eyes._

" _Do you want me to go? Is that what you're saying, Julia?" He never calls me Julia._

" _No. Why would you think that?"_

" _Because you made me leave you once before."_

" _No, Derick! Please, Baby, I don't want you to go." He gets up from the bed and starts putting on his clothes. "What are you doing?"_

" _It's too late. You made your choice and you can't take it back. It'll be like I was never here."_

" _Derick, no! Don't go!"_

" _You can't take it back, Jules." And he's gone._

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I wake suddenly and find myself sitting straight up in my bed. My breathing is labored as if I had been running. My heart is nearly pounding out of my chest, and tears are running down my face. I blink through the tears and my eyes begin to adjust to the darkness that surrounds me. I look over at the clock which disappointingly displays one a.m. and I'm thankful that it's Sunday because I'm so disoriented by what I just dreamt and what I just felt. I'm completely filled with turmoil and I'm so lost. _It'll be like I was never here._

I quickly look next to the clock where I find one of the ultrasound pictures I got at my doctor's appointment. Relief floods through me and I reach down and place my hand over my stomach, which has started to form a small bump, and force my breaths to slow. He _was_ here.

"Breathe, Julia. You're okay," I say, trying to talk myself down. Then talking to my belly, more for my reassurance than anything, I say, "You're okay too." Tears start to fill my eyes again because I was so scared, but it was just a dream. A horrible dream that seemed so damn real. But something still feels so wrong.

In the dream, Derick was gone and I was left completely alone. Everything we had together had vanished as though it never existed. I was the only one that could recall any of it, which left me feeling like I had lost my mind. Worse than that though, I felt dead inside.

It made me realize that as much as I thought I was doing what was best for Derick and his son, none of it was what was best for me. I miss him so much, but I made him go. I can't say I would change the decision I made for anything because I know it was the right thing to do, but my dream was so real that I felt as if I was suffering the loss of him all over again and there was an overwhelming feeling that I would never get him back. Even worse, there was no silver lining. I had no piece of him to hold on to. There was no baby.

I lay there for a while rubbing my hand over my stomach, just taking comfort in knowing I haven't lost the only thing he left behind. She, or he, is still so little in there that no one can tell they even exist yet, which will soon change. I'm not sure I can even feel them, sometimes a little flutter maybe, but I know they're in there and that gives me hope. Derick said he'd come back for me and with every day that goes by, my hope for that truth grows stronger.

I let that hope and the rhythm of my touch on my belly lull me back to sleep. A peaceful and dreamless sleep.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

Sunday morning, I wake to Ann lying across my chest, my bare chest. She's still sleeping and is apparently quite comfortable with the arrangements. I look around the room, taking in where we are. We're in what used to be our room, in our bed.

I have no recollection of what happened last night shortly after I got here. I came to see Connor and Ann was in the kitchen making dinner. She made me a drink, it was brandy, but I only had one, or at least that's what I remember.

Shit! What have I done? I have to get out of here. Remembering that Ann is a heavy sleeper, I pick up her arm and gently remove it from around my waist, then slide my body from beneath her head, placing a pillow under her to take my place. Once out of the bed, I notice that I'm completely naked, and a fear like no other hits me. I slept with her and I can't remember a damn thing.

I make quick work of getting my clothes, which are strewn across the bedroom floor. I take them to the guest bathroom, closing Ann's door behind me and hoping she doesn't wake before I'm gone. Something isn't right. This isn't right. My feelings for Ann reach no further than those I'd be expected to have for the mother of my son and I've never led her to believe that anything more would become of us. I wouldn't have done this had I known what I was doing, which brings me to realize that almost every memory of last night is gone, as though it never happened. I need to retrace last night's events and figure out what the hell happened. I slip into Connor's room before I leave to see him still sleeping peacefully and leave him that way.

The drive from Ann's house to my parents' in East Mesa is about thirty minutes. I don't waste one minute of that time running last night through my head.

I wanted to pick Connor up for a night this weekend, but Ann acted as if she didn't want me to take him. It struck me as odd but then she suggested I come over and she'd make dinner for the three of us, promising there would be no more uncomfortable conversation and offering an apology for the last time I was there. Although that was just a few days ago, I wanted to see Connor, so I agreed.

I got to the house around five-thirty with nothing but a stuffed elephant for Connor in hand. I wanted her to know that I wasn't here for her, this was all about my son. I greeted her and she led me to the family room, where Connor was playing in the middle of the floor with soft blocks. I was so amazed to see how big he's gotten. I first saw him when he was six and a half months old, and now he's almost ten months. But he's growing so fast and it seems he's so much bigger than when I saw him just last week.

I sit down on the floor with him and wiggle the toy I brought in front of him, making a silly voice as though it was talking to him.

"Hello, Connor. How are you, buddy? Look what Daddy got for you."

He giggled and reached for the stuffed animal, squeezing it and quickly bringing it to his mouth, making it officially his. I was paying no attention to Ann and didn't notice when she came up behind me with a glass.

"Brandy? I remember it's your favorite. In fact, I think this is from your bottle."

"Thank you." It's all I can muster to say. I don't like that she remembers what I used to drink. I don't like that she remembers anything about me at all. Knowing those details is no longer her burden. Not wanting to miss time with my boy, but wanting to numb the annoyances of her, I decide not to squander it away. If it is my bottle, it's good brandy. I take a drink and sip it over the time that I play with Connor until dinner is announced.

Ann comes to pick up Connor from the floor and I make an attempt to stand myself, but feel unsteady. I take my time and after a second attempt, I'm finally successful. I attribute the difficulty to age and having eaten hardly anything today. I'll feel better after dinner, after I get some food in me. I sit down at the table and that's it. Blackout.

Apparently I was still functional because there is no way Ann could've gotten me upstairs if I wasn't. What scares me more about my lack of memory of last night's events is that I could've hurt Connor. What did he witness? I can only imagine since I woke up naked and with Ann draped all over me. Whatever happened in that scenario, she obviously didn't disagree. She looked pretty content and comfortable right where she was this morning. I can't fucking believe this. Why can't I remember anything?

No sooner than I pull up in the driveway, my phone starts ringing. It's her. I can't talk to her right now. I have no clue what to say. Not only did I most probably have sex with her last night, but I also skipped out on her this morning. I need to get my shit together before I can face her. I have no idea what she could be thinking is happening between us and right now I'm so screwed up by not knowing what did happen, that I don't want to tell her anything. We don't have a future together and no amount of time, apologies, what did or didn't happen, or Connor's existence will change that. I've got nothing for her. I gave my heart away, and I may have come back to Santa Barbara but the one with my heart and my forever, is still in Boston.

Julia - 40 Roses

STARTING THE WEEK, I'M caught in a funk. Vivid memories of the dreams are plaguing me and my analytical mind is obsessed with figuring out what it all means. What I'm most inclined to believe is that Derick has made a decision to do what's best for his son and maybe that was making amends with Ann. Although I wish he was able to come back to me, he needs to think about that little boy first. If he didn't, I'd have given him up for nothing.

Come Tuesday, it's a week and a day that Joanne and I have been working together and officially training her for a management position. I can't figure out, for the life of me, why she never pursued a position in management on her own. She's a natural and my backlog is quickly disappearing, but she's making me fat! She bakes almost every day. Last Monday she brought in scones and Tuesday a fruit tart. Then on Friday, she brought in a batch of chocolate chip cookies that were to die for. I won't deny that the woman can bake, but I swear this baby's not going to have anything on her when it comes to my weight gain.

"Good morning, Julia."

"Good morning. What is it I smell this morning? Whatever it is, based on scent alone, it must be incredible."

"This morning, I have tea for you, coffee for me, and chocolate croissants. I made them this morning. They're still warm." She sets down my tea and her coffee, then a napkin, and finally, my croissant. Though we've only been working closely together for a few days, she's a few years older than me and has swooped right in and taken care of me. She's a lot like an older sister.

I'm nearly drooling when I finally take my first bite. Oh my goodness! I'm convinced that if heaven has a taste, this is it.

"Not that I want you to leave, but I must say, I think you missed your calling. Who taught you to bake?" She takes her spot on the other side of the desk and picks up her own delicious treat.

"I used to bake with my mom when I was little. My mom always told me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach. Well, I didn't want to be stuck having dinners ready at five every night. I wanted his heart, whoever he may be, to be a little sweeter in nature."

"Were you married?" I take another bite of my croissant and swear, if I was into women, I'd marry her myself.

"Yeah. I was once for a couple of years. His heart wasn't sweet though. It was unfaithful."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not." She lifts her coffee to her lips and takes a sip. "I'm worth more than that."

She is. She's worth so much more.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Once we've finished our morning snack, it's time to get to work. It's the first of the month and I lift the corner of my desk calendar to bid farewell to March. Once the top sheet of paper is gone, it doesn't take my eyes but a second to catch one of the notes written on April's calendar. In my handwriting, the thirtieth is marked "Derick's birthday." All the joy I just had that was prompted by baked goodness and Joanne's company is gone. I slump down into my chair and with very little control over my emotions, give into the sadness that I feel. I can't help the tears that fill my eyes.

"Julia? What's wrong?" Joanne asks sympathetically.

I just look at the calendar and back at her, supplying no answer. She moves closer and looks for herself, quickly seeing what I saw.

"You're allowed to miss him. I know you don't want the rest of the office to see it, but you don't have to hide it from me."

"Some days, just being here is hard. Other days, I'm okay. I'm just constantly trying to keep the emotional wreck I feel on the inside from penetrating the person you all see on the outside."

"Have you heard from him?"

I shake my head and look down at the finger that should have his ring. "Not really. There's a rose delivered every day, waiting on my door when I get home. I think it's him. Roses have always been a thing between us."

"Nothing more?"

I look away from her and try to act busy shuffling things around on my desk. "No. And it's better that way. I don't want to hear promises that may never come true." While I'm saying what needs to be said, for my own sanity, it's not what I feel.

"Does he know?"

My head snaps up to meet her eyes and I immediately know what she's referring to. She knows that I'm pregnant. It would feel so good for someone else to know my secret, to not feel so alone and like I'm hiding something so special. I don't want to lie to her but the answer is caught in my throat. If I tell someone else while keeping the secret from Derick, does that make me a horrible person? And if she knows, who else suspects? I look back down and shake my head in response.

"You don't have to worry, Julia. I won't say anything. But if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm an awesome listener and I'm overflowing with advice, both good and bad. If it weren't for, well you know, I'd take you out for drinks and fill you to the brim with bad advice tonight." She laughs a little in an effort to lighten the mood in the room and hip bumps my chair. I look up at her and smile feeling relieved that I'm not alone anymore and have someone to share my happiness with.

"Can I get a rain check for about eight or nine months from now?"

"It's a date."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The rest of the week goes smoothly. It would seem that Joanne and I make quite a team. I never thought I'd want to be part of a team again, which was my main objective when suggesting her for the training. It's not that I can't be a team player. I just don't want to feel like I'm replacing Derick. Joanne doesn't make it feel that way. She hasn't taken his place, but she has filled the void.

Not that I can place all the blame on her, but by the end of the week my skirts are starting to get snug. It's not all her fault because I am sneaking up on my three-month mark, but she's partially at fault because I can't turn down anything she makes. It's all so delicious. I secretly think that now that she knows about the baby, she's made it a personal goal to feed me. Homemade pastries in the mornings, delivery for lunch, and she invited me out for dinner tonight. I had the choice of going home and spending the evening alone, as usual, or having pizza with my colleague and new friend. I chose pizza and a friend. And it doesn't matter what she offers to feed me, the baby wants it and I want it too.

It's been so long since I've had a friend. The last girlfriend I had was Jennifer. But it didn't take long after I lost Alex and the kids for my relationship with her to dwindle. It was mostly my fault. She wanted to be there for me but I started to cut off everything in my life except for my career. She and Tom reminded me of better times and I had enough of those memories to last me a lifetime and there were no more to be made. With Joanne, I find myself telling her things I don't feel like I can tell anyone else. I've even given her some of the details of what happened between Derick and me. She's a great listener, as she told me she was.

"Can I ask you something, Joanne?" I ask between bites of cheesy greasy goodness.

"You can ask me anything, Julia."

"Have you ever thought of getting married again?"

"If the right man came along, I suppose I would. I believe my soul mate could be out there somewhere, but I'm not looking for him. What's meant to be, is meant to be. I believe in fate and destiny and I believe all things that happen, both good and bad, happen for a reason."

"Do you think Derick and I were meant to be?"

"You're having his child. What do you think?"

Derick

IT'S BEEN ONE HELL of a week and all I've managed to accomplish is dodging Ann's calls like a champ. She's been relentless in her attempts to contact me but hasn't resorted to calling my work or my parents yet, thank goodness. I'm going to have to face her soon though because I want to see my son and in that regard, she is an unavoidable obstacle. I've asked her to meet me at the park with Connor. I want to keep it public, no booze, and no bed. The beauty to him being so young is that I can play with him and she and I can talk. It's a better idea than us being alone.

I get to the park and I'm a few minutes early so I park my car and I walk towards the fence that runs along the ocean's edge. There's a bench, so I sit and look out over the sea. It's beautiful, but it's not a view of the park. It's not the bench where I really saw Jules for the first time and knew that I had to find a way into her life. It's not the bench where I asked her to marry me and promised her forever, and it's not the bench where she put my son's life and needs before her own.

She's the reason I have to do this; the reason I have to do what's right. I have to be the man I should be for her, the man she knows I can be, or I'll never really be worthy of her. I can't help but wonder now if when she sits on our bench at Public Garden, does she think of me? Does she talk to me and ask me to come back to her? These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night. And now I wonder, if she knew of this lost evening with Ann, would she ever even take me back?

I hear someone approaching and turn to see my boy, Connor, in his mother's arms. I stand to walk towards him and my heart melts as he opens his arms to me. I take him from her and gently toss him in the air before drawing him close and repeatedly kissing his cheeks, which in return gets me a fit of giggles. It's true that his existence has turned my life upside down, but when he's in my arms, I can't think of what I've lost, but only who I've gained.

I silently acknowledge Ann, who was nearly forgotten in my exchanges with Connor. Then look over at the park where I see a swing set.

"Hey, Connor, do you want to swing?"

"He's too little for those, Derick." Of course, Ann protests my idea. She always seems to do that.

"He's plenty big enough. We brought Issac here when he was no bigger than this. They have swings with the built in child's seat. He'll love it." I direct my attention to him as I bounce him in my arms. "Won't you, little guy?"

She gives up the argument, knowing I won't back down. When we get to the swing set, I lift his chubby little legs and guide them into the holes in the seat. He shows no sign of intimidation by this contraption that holds him so high in the air. I push him lightly and Ann rushes out to grab the swing. I hold my arm out to stop her.

"He's fine. Look at him, he likes it." He's kicking his legs and giggling, it's obvious the enjoyment such a simple thing is bringing him.

She backs off, finally content with Connor's safety and she's the one to initiate our dreaded conversation.

"Why have you been dodging my calls and why wouldn't you come to the house today?" She tries to look hurt, but I can also see an edge of anger.

"I need answers. I don't want to lead you on and I don't want you to be hopeful for something that's not going to happen between us. I need to know what happened the other night."

"What do you mean, what happened? You don't remember?" She looks surprised and wounded by my memory's omission of that night.

"I don't remember anything after sitting down to dinner and I don't know why. I only had two drinks."

"I hate that I must recall that evening for you, but I will. We sat down to dinner, the three of us, as a family. It felt so good to finally be that way. It was a dream come true. You commented on how you'd missed my cooking, how it was one of the things you remember. I offered you another drink, but you declined it, stating that it wasn't a good idea to drink too much with Connor around. You said you didn't want to be that kind of dad. Anyway, we finished and sat in the living room talking and you played with Connor until it was his bedtime. We took him upstairs and you changed him and dressed him, it was actually quite entertaining to see you with him. After he was in bed and we walked out of his room and shut the door, you commented on how good that felt to be able to do that. You said you wanted to be able to put him to bed every night." She stops and takes in a couple of deep breaths, and then smiles as she recalls the memory.

I know what she's going to say next, but I don't want to hear her say it. I keep my focus on Connor, pushing his swing slowly and steadily, using him to remain grounded for what I'm about to hear.

"You told me you wanted to try again, Derick. You said we could be a family, that we could try." She chokes down a sob.

"What else did I say?" Now she's looking at me with complete disdain, and in doing so she exposes the reality I feared.

"Nothing. You said nothing more. Neither of us did, not with our mouths anyway. You—"

"Stop!" I say through clenched teeth so that I don't raise my voice in front of my son.

"Stop? I will not! Not until I tell you, that then you took me to our bed and made love to me!"

She said it. What I'd hoped I wouldn't hear her say. I slept with her and I made her empty promises, all things I have no memory of. She's also exposed the side of her that scares me, the side that has no remorse for anything she does.

"Sorry to ruin the beauty you saw in that night, but none of this makes any sense. So, I'm only going to ask you this one time and I expect the truth. What exactly was in that drink you so kindly offered that night?" No matter her answer, I know she had to have done something. She looks at me with fire in her eyes.

"Really? You are unfucking-believable, Derick! I'm done! You should've stayed in Boston. I can do this without you." She reaches for Connor, but I stop her. She's not going to use him against me, not anymore. "Give. Me. My. Son."

"Not while you're like this. You've hit a low, even for you." She knows she can't get through me and I'm sure to keep my one hand on the swing that Connor's in so that she can't get to him while I take my phone from my pocket and send a text to Carrie. I'm worried about my son and I'm about to start a war.

Me: Come to Shoreline park now. I need car seat

"What are you doing? Who are you texting?" She's panicking, and my first thought is to keep her calm so she doesn't try something stupid or draw unnecessary attention to us. Thankfully Carrie's response is quick.

Carrie: Less than ten minutes away.

I need to create a conversation that will keep her attention. I have to play along with this just long enough to get Connor out of here.

"Look, as I said, I don't remember anything about that night. I don't know why and right now that's not what's important. Our son is and we need to be able to have a civil relationship for him. I don't disagree with some of what you're saying I told you that night. I would love to be with my son every night, able to change him, play with him, and put him to bed. But, obviously, we have issues that need to be worked through. Issues you need to take responsibility for."

"Once upon a time, we were great together. We could be again." I'm starting to question her sense of reality and see no point in even trying to talk to her. I only need to keep her talking for another couple of minutes.

"Need I remind you why that greatness is gone?"

"Will you ever stop throwing that at me?" She's almost screaming. So I keep my words as calm as I can muster.

"Yes."

"Yeah. When?"

"When you stop acting like it didn't happen."

She looks away for a moment and I think maybe I've gotten through to her. My phone chimes and I look to see a message from Carrie.

Carrie: In parking lot. I see you.

I turn towards the parking lot and have a visual on my sister. Ann is still looking away, so thank God for predictive text I'm able to respond quickly.

_Me: Take Connor to your house. I_ ' _ll explain later_

I see Carrie step out of her car and I make my move to take Connor out of the swing. Of course that gets Ann's attention.

"What are you doing?"

"I think we've been here long enough."

I start walking towards the parking lot and it's not 'til we reach the parking lot and I veer in a direction other than where our cars are parked that she notices Carrie's standing outside her car with the back door open. Then she starts to panic.

I hand Connor off to Carrie and as she fastens him in, Ann lunges to get past me.

"Derick? What are you doing? What's going on?"

"We need to talk. Alone. We have a lot to discuss. Carrie is going to take Connor to play with his cousin for a little while and we'll pick him up later."

She has an alarmed look on her face and is weary to trust me, as she should be. Her hesitance is logical, but I need to make her comfortable with this arrangement or she'll explode and this entire situation will get very ugly. I have a feeling that no matter what I do, ugly is not quite strong enough a word.

"We're going to go have lunch and come to an agreement. It was you that once told me we could do this without getting lawyers involved. I see no time like the present."

Derick

I TOOK ANN TO a beachside deli with outside seating. I didn't want her in the middle of a busy room if she decided to lose it. Right now I have to be the Derick I only became familiar with recently, the dick and the liar. The one that sugarcoats the truth in order to protect himself and the one he loves, which in this case is Connor. I don't like being like this, but in this case, I have to.

We're sitting at the table and all is silent between us for a couple of minutes. I have no clue what to say to her. I know what I want to say but now is not the time. She's the first to speak.

"Derick. I know you're mad and..."

"I have everything I need to take him from you right now and you know it." In her eyes I can see the fear that comes from my words. "I do want something from you though." Time to put on the act of my life.

"What do you want?"

"I want Connor to have a family, but I can't be with someone that's going to lie, cheat, and drug me to get what she wants. We both know that's what happened." She looks away; a classic sign of guilt. "I think you need a break. I think you need some you time. You need to do that for Connor and, in some small way, for me too."

"What do you mean, for you?"

"Everything you told me I said the other night, I may not remember it but, it _is_ what I want. It's what I always wanted. I want my son to have a family. It's not going to come easy, but it can work. If you're willing to do this for me."

Her eyes gloss over. She's buying it. I'm careful not to say that we're getting back together, just that we can be a family. I hate giving her this false hope, but it's my only chance.

"So, what do you want me to do?"

"Let me take Connor for a few days." She starts to shake her head, but I hold up my hand halting her so that I can finish my request. "Maybe a week, that's all I ask. You can sort out your thoughts and we can start new. We need a clean slate to start from. Can you agree to that?"

"I've never been without him. I really don't know if I can." She's doing the same thing she does every time I ask to take him. She gives me excuses disguised as reasons why I can't have him and it's really starting to piss me off. I look away and take a second to carefully choose my words before I destroy this plan altogether. Only when I think I can speak without steering the conversation in the wrong direction, do I bring my attention back to her.

"You've never been without him, but I've never been with him. Do you know how that hurts me? I'd love to have him for the night, to watch him play with Ginger, to be the one there to see his morning smiles. I need some time to get to know my son and you need some time for yourself."

She's thinking. She wants us to be together. Her treacherous efforts have already proven that. Maybe she'll see that what I'm asking is really not much.

"That's all you want?"

"Yes. Can you do that for me?"

"I want us to be a family more than anything, Derick."

"If there's any chance at all, you have to do this."

"Okay."

She's agreeing? I had hoped but I never thought she'd give in so easily and that makes me weary that she has something else up her sleeve. She doesn't say much else for the remainder of our lunch, which is fine with me. The less I have to say, the less I have to lie. My heart is walking a fine line between feeling triumphant and disgraceful over the fact that I made her believe there's a chance for us. The truth of the matter is that, in the end, she won't have me or Connor.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I take her back to the park to get her car and the whole ride there she sits silent. As I pull into the parking lot, I tell her that I'll follow her to the house to get a bag for Connor. She just nods. If I didn't know her so well, I might be affected by her dramatics. She's playing the broken, beaten woman, but I see it as nothing more than a ploy to play on my emotions. That's how she works.

I follow her to the house and as she pulls into the garage, I park in the driveway. Before I get to the front door, it opens and I don't pause before stepping in. Still, she doesn't say a word to me and starts up the stairs to Connor's room. I follow, but when we make it to the top of the stairs, she stops.

"I can't do this." As much as her silence was irritating me, her choice of words when she decides to speak irritates me more.

"Yes you can. It's going to be better for Connor. _We_ have to be better for Connor and we have a rough road ahead." I place one hand on her shoulder and with the other, I lift her chin to make her look at me. "You _can_ do this."

She pulls me into a hug and I let her. No doubt that she's going to milk this for all it's worth, but I do believe she loves our son. I'm sure that my asking for this time is hard for her, but I'm also sure that she uses him against me as much as she can. He's her leverage and I'm trying to take that away.

She breaks free and walks into Connor's room. She takes his bag and begins to fill it with clothes, diapers, wipes, and a purple bottle of lotion.

"I usually bathe him around seven and use this lotion after. It's lavender scented and calms him before bed." She picks up the stuffed elephant I brought him and his blanket from his crib and places them in the bag as well. "He won't sleep without these."

"He'll be fine, Ann. I'm not just a babysitter, I'm his father. I'll make sure he has whatever he needs and I'll try not to disrupt the schedule you have for him."

"Thank you. It's just so hard, even thinking about him not being here with me."

"I go through that every day."

She doesn't verbally respond to me, but rather nods, hands me Connor's bag and heads back downstairs. I follow her to the kitchen where she fills another bag with his milk and a few jars of food.

"He'll try to eat whatever you do, just make sure it's soft stuff and watch him constantly. He only gets a bottle in the morning and before bed."

"Thank you."

"It's for him, not you."

I don't feel the need to say anything more and leave before she decides to have another breakdown. Once I have everything in the car, I connect my Bluetooth and tap the button to activate the voice command.

"Call Russ Bowman."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia - 44 Roses

I made plans with Joanne to hang out over the weekend. She wanted to go see the new movie _Transcendence_ , explaining that she is, was, and always will be a huge Johnny Depp fan. I thought it sounded better than staying home by myself, which is all I ever do anymore—sit at home and read.

I'm just hopping out of the shower and getting ready because she's meeting me here and should be here shortly, as it's coming up on eleven. I grab a pair of jeans out of the closet and take to putting them on and everything is going fine until I go to fasten them. Oh my, it's happening. I'm growing out of my clothes. Yesterday, I noticed that my skirt was a little tighter, but this is not just a little tighter. The. Jeans. Don't. Fit.

"Shit! What now?"

The only thing I have that I know I can fit into are my yoga pants. I grab a pair out of my drawer and pull them on. This will have to do for now, but I can't wear these to work. I put my hand on my stomach and talk to my little bump.

"Doesn't look like you're going to stay hidden much longer, little one. But that's okay, it means you're happy. So, I'm happy." For that second, I allow myself to think about Derick. Having him here would make me happy too, but I can't go there right now. I snap out of my moment and go in search of a shirt.

I pull on my shirt and pick out a sweater, hoping it'll dress up my very casual outfit just enough so that I don't look like a bum. I do a once-over in front of the mirror and decide that I look good enough for a movie, but I really need to do some shopping. I hear a knock at my front door and go to it to answer, knowing already who it is.

"Coming!" When I open it, Joanne stands there with a bag in hand. "You can come in, but the bag can't."

She looks at me and laughs. "Let me in, mama." I'm weak, so weak. I stand back to allow her entry.

"Look, you have to stop feeding me. Look what I've been reduced to." I motion to my attire.

"A, you have to eat. B, with or without my help, you're going to gain weight and you have the only truly valid excuse to do so. C, I love shopping. So given that you need new mama clothes, you just made us plans for the afternoon." I put my hands up in surrender and she smiles while she opens the bag.

"All right, what is it today, Betty?" I look at her and grin. I've never called her that before, but it fits. She's my own personal Betty Crocker.

"Cheerio peanut butter bars. And, bonus, they're great on the go. Have you eaten yet today?"

"I had a banana with my tea this morning."

"That's not eating. Here." She hands me a bar packaged in a snack bag and I open it and bring it straight to my mouth. Then just for her benefit, I make a show of taking the first bite. Just like everything she makes, it's delectable.

"I have a feeling it'll do me no good to fight you anyway. What time is the movie?" I ask with my mouth still full.

"You're right, it won't, and twelve fifteen."

"Okay, let me grab my shoes and I'll be ready to go." I head back to my room to get my tennis shoes. We're going to be taking the T, and the closest station is a few blocks away at Copley Station. But the weather is beautiful with spring in full bloom and it feels wonderful to be outside.

When I walk back into the living room, Joanne is looking at the ornament Derick gave me for Christmas, the glass rose. I keep it on the entertainment center below the television. Sometimes, when missing him is just too much, I pick it up and read the words. "From love at first sight to the love of my life, you will always be my one and only ~ D 2013." _Always_. That's my favorite word. He may not be here now and he may never be again, but he did leave me a part of him to keep for always.

"This is very pretty." I don't want to talk about this right now. It's all I can do to hold it together every time I look at it.

"It is," I reply in simple acknowledgement to her compliment as I busy myself with my purse and check the charge on my phone.

"I get it." She sets it back down carefully and turns to me. "You ready?"

I give her a smile to thank her for not pushing. "Yes."

"Okay. Let's go."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We get out of the movie around two thirty, both of us scratching our heads at what we just saw.

"That was weird," I say.

"The theory though, is amazing. The knowledge and intelligence to heal people like that? I'm just glad they didn't have any sex scenes. For a minute, I was worried they were going to go there with the whole human and computer intimacy thing."

"The theory is interesting, but it's all kind of creepy. I think it was a demonstration of what technology can do, along with a warning. With everything science can already do, at whose discretion will we stop? The scientists won't because they're constantly looking for the next big discovery. I must say though, Johnny's still got it."

"Yes he does. That man is sex on a stick, or with a stick. A stick I'd like to lick." I just look at her, unable to believe the words that just came out of her mouth. "What? I'm single, not dead. I've been crushing on him for almost thirty years. If I was Katie, I'd rather have him than Tom."

"I'm with you on that one." We both start laughing.

"So, where to now?"

"I really need to get a couple of new pairs of slacks or skirts for work. I can't wear these." I pinch the knit fabric on my leg. "I love these, but I will not let people see me like this in the office."

"You got it, mama. Where should we go?"

"Well, there're a few places to choose from between Newbury and Boylston. Let's head back that way." She takes my arm and loops hers through, linking us together.

"You got it!"

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I end up with three pairs of slacks, one of which I bought two sizes bigger than my normal since I'm bound to start growing at an alarming rate. Joanne and I are going back to my place to relax a little and hang out. I told her I'd cook her dinner. Then she asked if I'd be offended if she brought a bottle of wine. I can't drink it, but I don't care if she does.

We're walking up the stairs, as I always do, when Joanne starts running out of energy.

"Julia? Why didn't we take the elevator?"

"Because I never do."

"Are you superstitious or just crazy?"

"Just crazy," I laugh. "You can do it. Only six flights left."

"I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for the wine."

We make it to my floor without Joanne dying and I shift my bag to dig into my purse for the key, as we approach my door.

"Is that from him?" Of course she's gesturing to the rose, as it rests right where I've come to expect it.

"Yup. Another day, another rose."

I hear the door open across the hall and Rhyse steps out. If Joanne had been dying after the trip up the stairs, I think she's about to be revived by the vision in front of her.

"Julia. How are you?" he asks. I haven't seen him since last week, when we officially met.

"I'm good, thank you." Joanne inches her way closer to me and I can tell she's itching for an introduction. "Rhyse. This is my friend and colleague, Joanne. Joanne, this is my neighbor, Rhyse Carter."

She holds out her hand and he takes it in his, lifts it to his mouth, and kisses it softly.

"A pleasure, Joanne."

"Likewise, Rhyse."

I can tell by the way his name hangs on her lips that she's as taken in by his sex appeal as every other woman is, including myself just recently.

"Well, ladies, I really must go. Have a good evening." He winks at me, but his eyes linger on Joanne for a moment before he turns and walks to the elevator.

I take the rose from my door, unlock it, and push it open. Joanne doesn't follow me, as she's still looking down the hall in the direction Rhyse left.

When she finally realizes she's alone in the hall and staring at the closed elevator doors, she walks into the condo.

"Now that is sex on a stick. Holy shit! You didn't tell me you lived across from that."

I put the rose in the vase with the others and lay my new clothes over the back of the chair. "You didn't ask. He's my neighbor. I've never dated him, slept with him, or even talked to him until last week."

"Wow. You have self-control and I'll tell you a little secret. I don't. Where are the wine glasses?"

Derick

RUSS DOESN'T CALL ME back until late Sunday afternoon while I was at my parents' house with Connor. The phone rang, and once I saw who it was, I excused myself to take the call outside in private. My mother, of course, waved me along, more than happy to take care of her grandson for as long as I needed her to.

Once outside, I'm able to talk freely.

"Hey. Thanks for calling me back."

"No problem, man. I heard you were back in town."

"Yes. A few weeks now. Hey, I need your help."

"Anything, man."

I met Russ in college. He's a couple of years older than me and was a junior when I started at UCSB. I insisted on living in the dorms so that I could take in the entire college experience and Russ ended up being my roommate. He was a psychology major with his sights set on family law.

I was preparing for life as an English major and, although I didn't know it at the time, the best two years of my life. He was an amazingly intelligent guy and with all that mental mumbo jumbo he learned, he got us out of a lot of shit. He could take a reaming from the RA over an illegal dorm party and have him doing shots and taking credit for the whole thing in no time.

He also introduced me to Michael who would, until I caught him with my wife, remain my best friend for years after graduation. Russ went on to be a lawyer specializing in family law and made a killing since California's divorce rate was on the rise, but having such a brilliant mind, he also consults on a lot of criminal cases. If anyone can win this for me it's him.

"Russ, I have a son and I need your help getting custody of him."

"Whoa! When did this happen?"

"Ann was pregnant before we divorced but claims she didn't know. Apparently after a paternity test with Michael showed he wasn't the father, she came to me in Boston."

"So what are you going for, Derick?"

"She's fucking crazy! Last week she drugged me. I want full custody."

"How quick do we need to move?"

"As fast as we can."

"Stop by my office in the morning. I have a judge that owes me a favor, so I can probably have the order for a new paternity test by late afternoon."

"We have to do a new test?"

"What do you mean, new test?"

"When Ann came to Boston we had one done there, but I'll do anything you say needs to be done."

"Bring that in for me tomorrow and I'll take a look at it. Don't sweat this. I'll make sure you get your boy."

"Thanks, Russ. I'll see you in the morning."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It's Monday morning and I get to start off my week by meeting Russ at his office to get the paperwork ready to file for whatever he says needs to be done. Ann only conceded to letting Connor stay with me for a week and I have to accomplish as much as possible in that time.

"Good morning, man. It's been a long time," he says as he greets me with a hug and a handshake.

"It has, but looks like you're doing good." There was never a question of whether or not Russ would be successful. Only of how much success he'd have.

"Yeah, things haven't slowed down. I'm busier than hell most days but I love my job, so it doesn't matter. Are you still in publishing?"

"Yes. I'm back at Royal Publishing since I came back from Boston."

"Boston. What an awesome place. Did you love it?"

"More than you know, man. I had everything I ever wanted there."

"I sense there's a woman in this story," he says teasingly. He himself, is a lifetime bachelor. He says he sees so much shit go down between people who once declared undying love to conclude that real love is nothing more than fiction. "You always were a hopeless romantic."

"And you avoided it at all costs," I tease back.

"Yeah, well." He gives me a look that says _to each their own._ "Okay, let's get to your case. You said you already had a test done. Did you bring that with you?"

I pull the envelope from my pocket and hand it to him. He inspects the envelope, then pulls out the contents and spends a moment looking them over.

"I'm going to give you a short disclaimer here. I win cases because I cover all the bases. I'm not naïve and I refuse to let you be either. Some of my questions will piss you off, but they are absolutely necessary. It's not personal, but this is a case that involves people's lives."

"I wouldn't expect any less from you. I've got nothing to hide."

"It's not you I'm worried about. Why was this mailed to you at your old California address when you clearly lived in Boston?"

"I gave Ann my information and she filled out the paperwork at the lab. When I hadn't received my results, she called and I guess they screwed up and mailed them to her address." Saying it all out loud, I know he's going to have a field day with me. I never realized how stupid this would all make me sound.

"I will tell you all the options available, just so you're fully aware, but I'm not giving you a choice. Here in the state of California, you have the option of signing a voluntary declaration of paternity or getting an order for testing. I'm taking the declaration off the table. You've already done the testing and according to these documents," he holds up the results, "they are acknowledged legally. But, I'm going to get an order to subpoena the records and results directly from the lab. I know you took this at face value, and no doubt, the lab's copies will match, but I want it straight from the horse's mouth."

"I'm not worried. Do whatever needs to be done. I wouldn't have come to you if I didn't trust you."

"We have to establish paternity first, then we can petition for custody and support. Now, Derick, I know what I'm capable of but nothing is ever a guarantee. When it comes to custody, fathers have more rights than twenty years ago, but unless a mother is declared unfit, it's unlikely that you'll get full custody. I need you to understand that until this goes to court, she still maintains her custodial rights and you, in essence, have none. You can't keep Connor from her."

"When she gets served with the paternity documents, she's going to go bat-shit crazy and you're telling me I have to give him back to her?"

"For now, yes."

"Well that's bullshit! Who's protecting him?"

"Calm down, man. I agree totally, but right now, we have no legally acceptable proof that you are his father and, although I believe everything you've told me about her behavior and her drugging you, you have no circumstantial evidence."

"I have the test results from Boston. I'm his father. I'll sign the declaration if it means she can't take him from me." I start pacing, trying to release my frustration so that I don't take it out on him. "She's not stupid, Russ. She's going to play this for all she can and I'm the only one that will see it for what it is. She'll fool everyone. You just watch."

He sits down behind his desk, the calm, cool, collective Russ I remember.

"Let me worry about all that. This isn't my first case involving a crazy ex-wife. We do live in Northern California. And I'm not letting you do anything that I wouldn't do myself. Trust me. She'll slip up and we will be right there to catch her."

I stop and look at him with pleading eyes. "I hope you're right. Is there anything else you need from me right now?"

"Keep yourself out of trouble and you know what I mean."

"She's going to have a good lawyer too, Russ. She can afford it."

"Yeah, well, she doesn't have me."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia - 47 Roses

Joanne walks into the office empty-handed, looking like she didn't sleep a wink last night. She goes straight to the coffee pot without saying a word and I watch her out of the corner of my eye while trying to look busy. I'm waiting to see if she'll be the first to speak because _this_ is not the Joanne I know. Finally done with the silence between us, I girlfriend up, and say the first word.

"Is everything all right?"

"Not really, but I can't talk about it until I have coffee."

Having been a person that couldn't function without it for years, I understand and respect her declaration. At this point, Joanne and I have caught up on all the work we have and there are only a couple of things that require immediate attention so we can afford to give her the time she needs. She's an excellent partner, just like my last partner. But she's more—she's an excellent friend too.

Once the pot is full, she pours a cup and blows over the top of it to cool the top layer for her first sip and lets out a sigh.

"Better now?"

"Getting there. I need a hundred cc's of caffeine, stat."

"What's going on? I'm sure you don't need me to point it out, but you're a mess today. This isn't you."

"Thanks for noticing." The words are laced with a sarcastic tone and the smile she gives me is mocking. "Well, my neighbor had a pipe break last night, and that wouldn't be such a big problem for me, if he lived below me. But no, he's upstairs and I got to find out about this in the middle of the night when I got up to take a piss." She takes another big gulp of her coffee, then a deep breath, followed by another sigh. "So I had no water this morning, my bathroom's a mess and half my hallway is flooded. They're going to have to replace the ceiling, I just know it. I have no clue how long it'll take to fix it, but I can't stay there. I can't afford to put up a second rent or hotel fees in the meantime, and I have no idea what to do with my cat while this is being fixed. This morning I went to the gym I've been estranged from, but thankfully still pay for, to take my shower. I'm so glad I continued to waste that thirty dollars a month. I knew there was a reason for my laziness in that regard. But the extra time that took, stole my coffee and baking time; not that I could've done either, because I have no freaking water!"

"More coffee. You definitely need more coffee."

"I'm so sorry, mama. I'm just so tired and stressed out." Without thinking twice, I know what she's going to do. She's going to come stay with me.

"Although I miss your baking, that's not what's important here." I smile and nod my head jokingly as if to act as though that is what's important. "You'll come stay with me. I have a second bedroom that's never been slept in. It's yours as long as you need it."

"But I have a cat and you don't have pets. I can't ask you to do that."

"You didn't. I'm offering. And the cat's fine. I used to have a dog you know." Of course she wouldn't know that. I've only ever let her into my present life.

"No, I didn't know. Are you sure, Julia?"

"Absolutely positive. We can go get whatever you need after work, then pick up some takeout. We're feeling like Chinese tonight." I smile and excitedly move my shoulders up and down while pointing to my belly.

She gets up from the chair and walks around to where I sit, then leans down and hugs me. "You are amazing. I have a feeling not too many people know that."

Caught up in our moment, neither of us notice when Frank appears in the doorway.

"Not many people know what?" he asks, breaking the moment and getting both mine and Joanne's attention. Joanne is the one to answer.

"Julia here has offered to take in a temporarily homeless woman."

He cocks his head at that. He's not surprised, but definitely intrigued. "Who would that be?"

I open my mouth to speak, but Joanne beats me to the punch. "Me! Isn't she the best?"

I'm actually starting to get a little uncomfortable with the attention I'm getting over doing something so small by comparison. She needs help and I'm in a position to help. "Stop it. It's no big deal. You'd do it for me right?"

"Of course I would, mama." As soon as the word leaves her mouth I can see that she too just realized what she said and I turn to look at her wide-eyed at what she just called me. Then I catch a glance at Frank from the corner of my eye. His look is a little more than intrigued now, it's downright scrutinizing.

I'm thinking of a way to backpedal this conversation and the direction it's turned, but I'm afraid there's no way out of it, but I'll give it a try. Frank knows me too well and even if I manage to avoid an explanation now, my situation will become completely obvious soon enough. "She says I'm worse than her mom and that I work her like a horse. It's an inside joke."

He narrows his eyes at me as if he's gauging my explanation. "Well, it shows. You two seem to work really well together." He looks at Joanne for a second, then turns his attention back to me. "I'd actually like to arrange a meeting to discuss this arrangement and where it may lead."

I look to Joanne then back to Frank. "This afternoon?"

"I think I'm booked for the rest of the day. Get hold of Ashley and set up a time."

"I'll do that."

Frank walks to the door and reaches for the handle, but before he opens it, he turns back to look at me. Our eyes connect and in that moment I see something I don't want to see. There's no denying the emotion that's being conveyed. He knows there's something I'm not telling him. He knows I'm lying.

Julia – 50 Roses

I'VE NEVER SLEPT WITH my door closed. Living alone, I never felt the need and at Derick's, there was no door at all. It tends to make me feel more trapped than anything. With Joanne moving in while her apartment gets repaired, I tried it the first night, but ended up opening the door in the middle of the night and figured it didn't matter anyway. But this is the third morning, which is every one since Joanne's been here, that I wake up to a warm bundle of fur purring and pawing at my belly.

They say that animals can sense things like sickness and pregnancy, and I'm no scientist, but I think they're right. This belly is like a cat magnet. I really don't mind and actually find it rather comforting to have the company, but I like to tease Abby about it anyway.

"What are you doing in here again, silly kitty? Your mom's going to think you're abandoning her." She just looks at me with that attitude all felines have. The one that says _I belong to no one and will do as I please._

It's then that hear the door to Joanne's room open, her steps as she walks towards the guest bathroom, and the door closing. Abby doesn't move, in fact, she's not the least bit affected by the possibility of her owner getting upset with her absence. Typical cat.

Joanne emerges from the bathroom, but doesn't come to my room. Instead I hear noises in the kitchen and knowing that she's a self-proclaimed caffeine addict, I know coffee is her priority. I continue lying in my bed petting Abby until she shows up in my doorway.

"Looks like you have a new cat."

"I think it's a pregnant thing."

"Maybe." She walks over to my bed and lies at the foot. "Hey, boss, I think we should play hooky today. It's Friday, let's start the weekend early."

"I can't. I have that meeting with Frank today, remember? A meeting to talk about you. You can take a personal day if you want. We're all caught up."

"Right. The meeting with Frank to discuss me."

"Don't worry, you're doing great."

"That's just how I am, a lifelong overachiever, but here's the thing, what if I'm not sure I really want this position? Ever? It's fun learning it and it's interesting enough to hold my attention, but I'm not sold yet. I'm not sure it's what I want."

"Well, I don't think any big decisions are being made right today. Honestly, I think you were made for this job, but I understand how you feel. Can I ask you a favor though?"

"Anything."

"I'll convince Frank that you need more time under my wing, if you agree to keep training with me."

"I'll agree but I want you to tell me why you want me to do this."

I want to avoid the answer to that question but she's too smart for that, so I know I won't get out without explanation. There's also the fact that she's the only completely honest relationship I've had in a long time. Honest with the exception that it kind of started by me using her.

"I'm going to let you think on that for a minute while I get my coffee and your tea. Abby, you just stay there, as if you had any intentions of moving anyway."

She gets up and leaves the room and while she's gone I rehearse the words in my head. How do I explain why I need her to stay?

She comes back into the room, double fisted with our two mugs and I scoot up to a sitting position to take mine from her. She sits down, takes a sip from hers, and gives me the _just spill it_ look.

All I have to tell her is the truth. It's as easy as that.

"I actually suggested you for training back when Derick and I were engaged. I wanted Frank to be at the wedding and to make that happen, we needed to have someone to run the office. But then Derick and I broke up and..." My eyes start to water at rehashing the events of my recent past that is still so fresh. "I didn't want him to be replaced." The tears that I was able to hold at bay finally win and spill over and down my face.

Joanne reaches over to set her mug on my nightstand and takes mine to do the same. She moves closer to me and squeezes me in a one-armed hug.

"It's okay, sweetie. I understand."

"I used you so I wouldn't have to face another reality associated to his being gone. I'm so sorry." I let it all go and what does she do? She hugs me tighter.

"You didn't use me. If you had asked me, I would've done it anyway. It makes me feel special, in a way, because I know you don't let people in. Working with you, I've gotten to see the real you, not just the strong and unbreakable persona you put on for everyone else."

"I'm neither strong nor unbreakable. Not after I lost my family."

"You don't have to tell me any of this now."

"And you don't have to pretend that you don't know. I'm sure there was still some talk in the office when you started."

"I'm not pretending and I don't listen to talk around the office, and if you're willing to tell, I'd rather get the real story from you. So what really sucks right now is that if you don't declare this a hooky day, I'll have to wait and you may never tell me. What do you say, boss?"

"You can, but I can't. Rain check?" Besides the fact that I do need to go to work, I also need an out on this conversation right now. It's not that I don't want to tell her, but I'll need ice cream to tell this tale, since a couple of beers is out of the question. My mind quickly drifts to the last time this technique was used, ice cream instead of beers. It was on my first date with Derick. No, I can't think about it right now, so just as quickly as I went there, I pull myself back.

"Your rain checks are starting to stack up, you know? And you're a mean boss," she says, just like a child would say after being told no. "Ugh! Fine, I'll give you a rain check on this conversation but you're going to have to give me a rain check on a hooky day. Deal?"

"Deal. And on the way home we'll get you a bottle of wine, a big bottle, and I'll need at least a half-gallon of butter pecan ice cream."

She gives me one last squeeze before she jumps up and grabs her coffee, then scratches Abby on the head, and mutters the word _traitor_ upon her exit.

"I'm going to shower. Let's get this day started so it can get over." She's out of the room and down the hall when I hear her shout, "Thank God it's Friday!"

I couldn't be more with her on that.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Joanne and I manage to make it into work, not at all enthused but present. The promise of wine and ice cream tonight while I bear my soul and deepest secrets is serving as our fuel. My meeting with Frank is at two and I have a feeling a lot more than Joanne's work performance will be discussed. Of all the people I surround myself with, I've known Frank the longest and though we don't have girls' nights of ice cream and wine, we've had many conversations and understandings.

He's the only one, besides Derick, that knows my real story. The thing I always loved about him was that he was there when I needed him, but never pushed for more than I was willing to give. As promised, he was the first to know when I was ready for more, but deep down I think that he, as I, thought that when that time came, _more_ might be between the two of us. He's never actually said as much, but neither did I.

A few minutes 'til two, I make a fresh cup of tea and try to get my courage in check for the questions and answers I'm expecting to be exchanged in this meeting. The _Joanne_ part is simple, I couldn't say a bad thing about her if I wanted to, but I saw the look in his eyes the other day. I expect the inevitable.

I walk up to Frank's door to let myself in, as I always do, and Ashley stops me.

"He's not in, Julia." _What?_

"I have a meeting with him at two. Where is he?"

"He said he needed to step out for a bit. I'm sorry I forgot to call you. I figured he did."

"No, he did not. It's okay, I suppose I will just reschedule for next week."

"But he had me reschedule you for a dinner meeting." She must see the surprised look on my face. "He didn't tell you that either?"

"No, he did not." I feel like I'm starting to sound like a broken record. "Since you obviously know more than I do in this regard, do you happen to know where I'm supposed to meet him?"

She looks at me stunned for a second, then looks at Frank's appointment book, where I assume she thinks she'll find the answer, though she would've been the one to write it there to begin with.

"Umm, yes," she says as she follows her finger over the page. "Scampo. At seven."

"Thank you. And, I'm sorry I got snippy, it isn't your fault." Frank's going to get an earful when I see him.

"I don't blame you. Men!" She says shaking her head and rolling her eyes at the mention of the commonly clueless gender.

"Yeah. Men."

I head back to my office more flustered than when I left and it takes Joanne zero seconds to catch on.

"You weren't gone long. What happened?"

"Like a typical fucking man! He moved the meeting and didn't bother to tell me." She gives me a wide-eyed and, to put it nicely, _oh really_ look. "Even better, he made it a dinner meeting."

Now her look clearly says _what the fuck_? All niceness is out the window. "So our vino and ice cream chat will have to wait 'til I get home. I don't expect to be too late."

"What's with you and Frank?" She gives me those eyes. "Were you ever—"

I cut her off before she can finish; the question already clear. "No. We've never been together. It's a weird thing we have outside of the boss–employee relationship, which really requires you to know more of the story than I can tell you right now. Frank was there for me while I went through a really tough time. He actually held my position here for me while I dealt with it. We've never been romantic, but we're close. As close as I'd ever let anyone get to me before Derick."

"You're right, I need to know more. You've got my mind spinning with the possibilities."

"As soon as I get home tonight, grasshopper. Have my ice cream ready."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I walk into Scampo a few minutes before seven. I dropped Joanne off at the condo and drove over because I didn't want to have to take a cab home. I know Frank would take me home if I asked, but not knowing the direction this meeting could take made me want to be self-sufficient.

Frank was waiting for me at the bar and I told the hostess as much as I passed by and walked straight to him. He had his back to me, so I just stood there waiting for him to feel my presence and my eyes burning into the back of his head. It didn't take long.

"Hey!" he says, both hesitant and surprised when he turns to see me. I'd say he's had a drink or two already. In return I cock my head and give him a mocking half smile, which I'm sure has quite effectively expressed my mood about this unannounced change of meeting venue.

"What time does this meeting start, Frank?" I ask, just a bit of sarcasm in my tone. Lucky for me he's a man who understands sarcasm and he looks a little scared.

"Once we sit down."

"Then allow me to take this opportunity to say, before the meeting starts, that you, sir, are an asshole. What the fuck is with you changing the meeting, to a dinner meeting at that, without discussing it with me? This isn't how you and I operate."

"Noted. It was a dick move. It won't happen again." He flashes me a smile and then picks up his drink from the bar and a glass of wine, which I know is for me. He hands it to me and I take it, deciding to explain why I can't drink it for later rather than discussing it at the bar. "You want to eat inside or on the patio?"

"Patio." I could use a little extra oxygen to get through this night.

"I figured you'd say that."

I follow him back to the hostess as he announces he's ready to be seated and we follow her to our table. Once seated, we sit silent for a minute, both of us looking at the menu and expertly avoiding each other. I'm relieved when Frank's the one to cut the silence.

"So. How's Joanne doing?" Good. He's starting out easy.

"She's great! She's a natural, but she's not so convinced that this position is something she wants to do as a permanent thing. I asked her to stick with it a while longer before throwing in the towel or making a decision."

"The responsibility is not for everyone. They're not all like us, you and me." He looks at me knowingly.

"I don't think it's that. She's great with responsibility. I'm not sure what it is."

The waiter comes over with two glasses of water and sets them on the table. I reach around the glass of wine sitting in front of me to pick mine up and take a drink. Frank looks at me skeptically, but I pick up the conversation as if nothing's amiss.

"I think maybe she just needs a little more time and maybe I'll throw her some projects to work on alone. I need to get her blood pumping, you know?"

"Lucky for us, the directors aren't breathing down my neck yet about filling the position, so I can give her a few more weeks. But if she's still not willing to take it further at that point, I'll need to look in another direction." I roll my eyes and look away not wanting to hear what he has to say. "Julia, I have to do what's good for the office."

I nod in understanding because there was a time when my life depended on doing what was best for the office. But my perspective has changed and although it's still a huge part of my life, it's not all I have to live for anymore.

"I know and I understand. It'll all work out." I'm nearing shut-down mode and need to keep it together. But then Frank does something completely unexpected. He reaches across the table and covers my hand with his.

"What's going on with you, Julia? You're not yourself lately."

"I'm fine, Frank. Really, I am." It's not a lie, but not the whole truth and it takes everything I have to keep from touching my stomach for strength. But he starts speaking again and I force myself to focus.

"You know, it's hard for me knowing everything you've gone through because all I want to do is protect you. From the moment we met, when you first started as an intern, I knew you were special. I took great pride in your commitment and accomplishments. You were quite a force to be reckoned with. Then you lost them and I was afraid you'd lose yourself too, but you didn't. You came back. Different, but stronger. Now, since Derick's been gone, I've seen a change in you again. It's like your fire is gone."

"I was a little off at first, but I'm back. It's good."

"You can't fool me. I know you too well." He stops for a moment as if he's not sure he wants to say what he's about to. "It's never going to be the right time to say this, but I wish it could've been me. I would've never let you go, no matter what choices you had given me. _I_ would've found a way."

I'm stunned and can barely form a thought, let alone words, at what he's just said. I look at him, then at his hand over mine, then to the glass of wine. What just happened? He sees it in my eyes and on my face. Astonishment.

"Frank," I try but my voice is powerless.

"I'm sorry, but I couldn't..." He takes a deep breath, then starts again. "I wanted to give you time. I wanted to be there for you. And, when you were ready again, I wanted to tell you how I felt. I wanted to for years. My timing is all wrong, but I saw how happy you were and I want to see you that happy again. I can make—" I can't let him go any further. I have to find my voice and tell him why I can't move on with anyone, even him.

"I'm pregnant, Frank." His eyes go as wide as I'm sure mine were just minutes ago. "That's why I'm so off and why I need Joanne's help."

He slides his hand from mine and stares off before bringing his attention back to our space, but not directly to me. We sit there hushed and it's an odd silence that spreads out over many minutes until we're interrupted by the waiter. However, at this point I think we've both lost our appetites and Frank waves him off.

"Does Derick know?" he asks without looking at me, but I can see the anger growing in his features and I know what he's thinking. He thinks that Derick's abandoned me.

"No. I haven't told him. And before you jump to conclusions and scold me, listen to my reasons. He's not here because he has a son. I wouldn't let him choose between us and I believe he's where he's supposed to be. I made him go, Frank. I left him no choice. So, don't be mad at him." None of this is Derick's fault and I refuse to let Frank or anyone else blame him. "This is a situation where I refuse to put him in a position to choose. I won't have him torn between his children. It's better this way, for all of us."

"When I decided to talk to you tonight, I never imagined the turn it would take. I knew I was taking a huge risk in telling you how I felt. I knew the possibility existed that you wouldn't feel the same way, but I just kept thinking that maybe, just maybe there was some chance. I've stood back too long and I couldn't anymore." He pauses as if thinking for the right words. "A baby?" He pauses for another second and then meets my eyes. "You're not alone, Julia. I can be there for you."

He's so sincere and he's baring himself to me. I can see that he would do anything for me, but I can't let him. I'm still in love with someone else and I owe him nothing less than to be honest.

"Frank, you've been the one constant and uncomplicated person in my life for so long now. I care for you so much, and at one point I thought that if and when I was ever ready for a relationship again, it would be so easy and so perfect if it was with you." I struggle to keep the tears I feel building from pouring over. "But it wasn't you and it can't be now because I'm still in love with him and I'm having his baby, with or without him. I'm not just thinking for myself anymore and it's why I can't be with anyone else. Not even you." The tears fall and I'm powerless to stop them. He reaches over and cups my face, lightly brushing his thumb over my cheek to wipe a tear away.

"I understand, Julia. I do. I know what it's like to not have the one you want. But where you have me beat is that, unlike you, I'm just now understanding what it's like to not have them because you love them enough to let them go. You are a truly amazing woman, which doesn't make it easy, but it makes it possible."

"I'm so sorry." It's all I say because I can't say to him that I wish it was different. I can't say I wish I didn't still love Derick and that I didn't wish he was here with me so we could go through all this together. I can't tell him that every day I deal with my own inner struggle of wanting Derick to know how I feel and what's in store, but afraid of the consequences. Afraid that he will choose us, but just as afraid that he won't. I can't tell him that it's not him that I want. But what I'm most afraid to admit is that the only one I want is the one I can't have.

Frank just said, in a roundabout way, that he loves me. And I'm so stuck in the love I have for someone else that I can't embrace it the way I should, which could only mean one thing, that I don't deserve it. How did my life ever go from being so simple and empty to complicated at every turn?

Derick

I GOT A CALL FROM Russ this morning telling me that Ann would be getting the papers announcing my request for establishment of paternity today. So, I've been on pins and needles ever since. I dropped Connor off at Mom's this morning and Ann knows that's where he's been staying throughout the week. That piece of information slipped out of my mouth before I could think better of it when she called the other night. Of course she knows where my parents live, they've been there since before Ann and I were married.

I called Mom to forewarn her that Ann may make an appearance and, if so, to call me immediately. I'm only a few minutes away. I'd have taken the day off altogether if I hadn't already missed so much work for lawyer meetings. I haven't been back long and can't afford to endanger the stability I have. I need every ball in my court that I can get if I'm going to have a chance against her.

It's after lunch and I'm in a meeting with Evan when my phone starts to ring in my pocket. I excuse myself to pull it out and check the screen to see who's calling me. Just as I feared, it's Ann. I had told Evan what was going on and that I was expecting this sometime today. As a guy that only gets to see his children on weekends and every other holiday, he offered his support and hopes that I'm the guy that can break the mold when it comes to a dad winning custody.

"I have to go. If she just received those papers, there's no doubt that she's on her way to my mom's and I have to get there before she does." What a way to end the week. I knew it was coming, but it made me no more prepared for the actual event.

"I understand. Go on. We can pick this up on Monday."

By the time I walk out of his office the phone has stopped, but it's only long enough for me to go grab my keys from my office before it starts again. Answer it or wait 'til I'm in my car? I can already hear her screaming as soon as I answer and I decide to wait. I make quick work of getting my keys and try to make my exit before the phone starts ringing again.

I barely clear the front entrance when it goes off again. I suck in a deep breath before accepting the call and slowly raise the phone to my ear, just to pull it away six inches because the screaming I imagined a few minutes ago has become real.

"It's about time you answered! What the fuck is this, Derick? You're trying to take him from me now?" I expected this. I just have to keep my cool.

"That's not what those papers say, Ann. They say I'm trying to establish parentage. My name is not on his birth certificate and in order to get it there, we have to go through this process. I just want to establish legal right." My words, as calm as they may be, have done nothing to soothe her.

"You didn't have to do all this! All you have to do is sign a fucking document!"

"I've been advised not to do that."

"By who? Never mind! I want to pick him up now. I'm on my way!" Click. The line goes silent.

It didn't sound like she was in the car so I think I can beat her there. But just to make sure, I push just a little harder on the gas pedal. I don't want my Mom to have to deal with her and I don't want Connor to see her like this. She's obviously unstable and I can't let him be a victim of her insanity.

I pull into the driveway and breathe a sigh of relief when I don't see her car. But then I think, what if she was already here? No, my mom would've called, but I quickly move into the house anyway to make sure. I'm greeted by my smiling boy, who has already begun to crawl, and my Mom sitting in the middle of the living room floor with him.

"Derick! It's a surprise to see you here. Look at him go. It won't be long before he'll be walking and then the real challenge will begin." She laughs and looks between us with such admiration that it makes the warning I must give even harder. But time is running out. Ann will be here any minute.

"Ann is on her way. She got the papers today and she's not happy, which makes her unpredictable."

My mom picks Connor up in a protective mode. "You can't let her take him, Derick. After all she's already done..." She has taken it a step up from mother mode. She's in grandmother mode.

"If she seems irrational or unstable, I won't let him go, but Russ says she still has her rights to him. I can't keep him from her."

"But you're his father!" she says squeezing Connor even tighter.

"And that means I won't let anything happen to him."

No sooner than those words come out of my mouth, there's a banging at the door. Then my name being screamed at the top of her lungs, along with orders to let her in. This isn't going to go well.

"Mom, keep Connor in here until I say. Okay?"

She nods in agreement and kisses his head, keeping him in the shelter of her arms. I walk to the front door, open it, and step out onto the front porch, pulling it closed behind me.

"Where is he? I want to see him. You've had your week, and it's apparent that you've used that time well." She shakes what I assume to be the court papers in her hand.

"I told you. I just want it to be documented."

"Bullshit! I know what's next. You'll try to take him from me. Give him to me now!" She tries to push by me, but I stop her by grabbing her arms and pushing her away. She's losing it and there is absolutely no way I'm handing my son over to her.

"Let go of me! Give me my son! Connor!"

"No! Not when you're acting like this. He doesn't need to see you like this. I'm begging you to think about what you're doing." When she looks at me I can't tell if what I said made sense to her or if I just lit another fuse. Then she speaks and I have my answer.

Teeth clenched and in a volume not much louder than a whisper, she says, "No, Derick. You should think about what _you're_ doing." She turns and goes to her car, then tears out of the driveway, leaving all caution to the wind.

I walk back into the house and into the living room where my mother still sits with Connor. She looks up at me expectantly, her eyes pleading for good news.

"She left. I don't know for how long though but I don't expect that this is the end of this." I sit down on the couch and run my hands through my hair.

"What do we do, Derick?"

"I don't know." I take out my phone to call Russ because he needs to know what's going on, but it goes to voice mail. I leave a message in hopes that he'll check them soon and tell me what I should do. Then we wait.

Maybe an hour goes by. Connor decided it was time for his nap and sleeps peacefully on a blanket on the floor in the living room. My mom offered me food, but I couldn't eat even if I wanted to. I know this isn't over, I just don't know when or what will happen next.

I hear something outside, a car door maybe. Then I hear more. There's more than one car here? I get up from the couch and make my way to the front door. I open it to see a police officer walking with purpose straight towards me. This is crazy. I expected her to do something, but this is much more than I could've imagined. When the officer is within a few feet of me, he stops.

"Are you Derick Edmunds?" There is no casualness to his tone.

"Yes. What's all this about?"

I'll get my answer, but not before he grabs my arm and turns me so that my back is to him.

"You are under arrest for assault and kidnapping." He twists my arms back, placing cuffs around my wrists and then recites my Miranda rights. I'm so shocked that I can't speak and it's not until my mind connects with the question he's asking me, that I realize it's the second time he's asked. "Do you understand your rights as I've read them to you?" Frustration and power are evident in his tone.

"I understand, but I didn't assault anyone. And how do you kidnap your own son? Did Ann do this? She's lying. You don't understand!"

He grabs my arm and jerks me around to take me to his car and that's when I see her. Ann gets out of one of the police cars and runs towards me. She's been crying and has makeup smeared below her eyes but what catches my eyes is a fresh purple bruise on her cheek, like she'd been hit across the face. _Assault_.

"I didn't do that to her. I don't care what she told you, it wasn't me!" I start to fight against the hold the officer has on me. "Ann! Tell them the truth, that I didn't do that to you! Stop. This. Now."

The officer holds my arm tighter and reminds me that he can and will use more force if I give him reason to. Ann on the other hand just looks at me and for a second I see that look in her eyes. The look that tells me she holds the only cards that count. It's almost like she's smiling without smiling, then she falls right back into the way of a battered woman.

"Where is he? Please, tell me he's okay." This is not looking good for me right now.

"I want an officer to go in with her. I don't want her in there alone with my mother," I say, addressing the man that has my arm. "Please."

He calls out to another officer and he comes over to where we stand.

"Escort Mrs. Edmunds in to get the child." A nod is all we get before he leads her to the front door while Ann follows closely behind. With her gone I take the opportunity to try to explain to my capturer what's really happening.

"I didn't hit her. I just served her with papers to establish paternity and she got them today. I've had my son all week, with her consent. She freaked out and came to take him but I told her that I wouldn't let him go until she calmed down. She tried to push past me and I stopped her, but I didn't touch her otherwise. She's setting me up. She's afraid I'm going to take him from her."

The officer that is holding on to me looks around to make sure no one is in hearing range and then looks me straight in the eyes.

"I believe you, but she's pressing charges and I have to do my job. Who's your lawyer?"

"Russ Bowman."

"I know Russ. He's good. I'm going to do something I usually wouldn't. Do you have your phone with you or is it in the house?"

"It's in my pocket."

To make it look normal, he does a pat down, emptying my pockets onto the hood of the car as part of the standard procedure, but when he pulls out my phone, he keeps it in his hand.

"I'm going to take it in to your mom and tell her to get hold of him. I think he could probably have you bailed out by tonight." He taps the screen. "Your phone is locked. Does your mom know the code?"

"She'd figure it out, but just in case, it's 0621." It's the day I was supposed to marry Julia. A day I haven't let go of.

"Sit tight. I'll be back in a minute." What else am I going to do?

He places me in the car and goes into the house. I'm left alone for the moment and all I can do is think of how everything has changed in such a short time. Coming back to Santa Barbara has been the worst thing I could've done. Nothing has gone the way I thought it would. Although the thought of reuniting with Ann never crossed my mind, I thought that on some level we could create a relationship for Connor's sake. Now, I just want to get custody and get back to Boston before I lose any more time with Jules. But Ann has lost her fucking mind and it would now appear that she is out to destroy me when just days ago she was willing to do whatever I asked to have me back.

I'm genuinely worried for her. What could've happened to make her turn so wicked? Or was she always this way deep down? But more than that, I'm worried for my son. What if her little stunt today ruins any chance I have of getting him? What if I'm forced to settle for being nothing more than a weekend dad? No, I won't settle for that because I gave up the love of my life to be this boy's father. Ann has erased any reserve I had about taking him from her. I will get him and when I do, we're on the first flight home.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The ride to the station was quiet, except for all the noise from the police radios. I've never been in the back of a cop car. Trust me, back in college I was no angel, but we never got caught. The first two years I fell under Russ' wing and the last two I had Ann to keep me grounded.

I go through the booking process of prints, photo, and logging my belongings. Then when I'm asked if I want to make a statement a voice pipes up from behind me.

"Not until he's had time to confer with his lawyer." Russ. Thank God he's here. The officer looks back to me for my answer.

"What he said. I'd like to talk to my lawyer first."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They bring me to a room where Russ sits waiting for me and they leave the two of us alone. I'm expected to sit, but I prefer to stand. No matter what I do, I won't be comfortable so it doesn't matter.

"Derick, I know it sounds like an asshole thing to say right now, but I need you to relax. I'm going to get you out of here but I need to know what happened."

"You know she let me have Connor for the week, so I don't know where this kidnapping shit came from. She came to the house all pissed off after she got the papers. I met her outside and we had words, but I kept my cool, you know, trying to play it down. She tried to push past me and I grabbed her arms and pushed her back. I never hit her. I swear I could never do that."

"I never thought you did. But it doesn't matter what I think. I can get you out on bail, but it won't end there. You'll have to—" Then there's a knock at the door and an officer walks in.

"Mr. Edmunds, you are free to go. All charges have been dropped." He walks towards me and unlocks the cuffs and removes them from my hands. I look to Russ and he just shrugs, obviously not knowing any more than I do.

"Ask questions later." He packs up his briefcase and we walk out together and as we're walking he says, "This is not at all what I had in mind for my Friday. I think we both need a beer." I look at him and smirk.

"Me neither." I shake my head in disbelief of the last few hours. "I think I need more than that."

Julia - 51 Roses

WHEN I GET HOME, JOANNE is nowhere to be found. She did leave a note on the table by the door that said, _Don't wait up. J_ and today's rose. I pick up the rose and bring it to my nose, remembering the first time he gave me one and how I did the same thing. This one makes fifty-one and tomorrow the fifty-second will arrive. Fifty-one days, fifty-one nights, fifty-one roses.

Maybe it's the proclamations that were made this evening or the fact that they were not made by the person I wanted them to be from that causes me to break. I start to cry and drop the flower back on the table with resentment for what it symbolizes. I hate that I know, without thinking, how many days we've been apart. I hate that I've come to look forward to each day's reminder of exactly how long it's been because it means that he knows and is counting too. But these roses are not enough. I want and I need more, but I have to remind myself that it's my fault that I don't have him.

With tears rolling down my face, making it so that I can barely see, I pick up my phone and start typing a message to him.

Me: Stop! Please, just stop

I can't hit send. Instead I crumble to the floor and just stare at the screen through blurred eyes for a minute, then tap on the backspace button until the text is erased completely. As much as I wish I could push it all away, I know I'll never be able to. I'll never forget and I don't want to. In fact, it's times like this, when I'm alone, that I find myself trying to remember every detail because the memories are all I have left. Well, not exactly _all_ I have.

I wish Joanne were here now. She'd know how to make me feel better. Somehow, she always knows. Her absence is both a burden and a relief because though I long for her company, I need this time alone. I've become too dependent on others and too comfortable. Joanne's not here and just like I got by so many years ago, I'll get by now. I'm just exhausted and I need to go to bed.

I walk towards my room and as soon as I pass Joanne's room, Abby walks out, follows me to my room, and jumps right up onto my bed. By the time I come out of my bathroom, ready to collapse into my comfortable and welcoming bed, I see that she has already made herself quite comfortable. My only thought is that sleeping with the cat beats sleeping alone so I climb in and cuddle next to her.

I would figure that with so much having happened tonight and so many emotions running rampant through my mind, I'd never fall asleep. But on the contrary, I barely remember my head hitting the pillow before I'm lost.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

By the time I wake up the next morning, the sun has risen well into the hours of midmorning. Abby is right where I'm used to finding her, but the smells that usually permeate the house, indicating that Joanne is already awake, are missing. Is she still gone? Where would she have gone?

As if my thoughts had been capable of putting out an APB, I hear the front door open and close quietly, but not quietly enough. Acting as though my only reason for getting out of bed is to use the bathroom, I make sure to look out my door and down the hall just in time to catch Joanne in her very obvious attempt to sneak in.

"You are so busted!" And busted is right. There is no better word to describe a grown woman sneaking in at ten in the morning carrying her shoes, wearing a half-buttoned blouse, and an immodest head of just-fucked hair.

She looks at me like a deer in headlights. But the grin on my face must convey the enjoyment I'm getting from this and then a bashful smile shines on her face.

"Look, mama. I'm not a lady, so I will talk. But it's going to have to wait 'til later. I need to get some sleep first."

"Sure. Okay. Long, rough night? I get it," I say teasingly. She smiles again and walks into her room.

She didn't walk far with her shoes in her hand and a hairdo like that. My instincts tell me that she wasn't far away at all, no farther than across the hall. I saw how hers and Rhyse's eyes lingered on each other the day they met. And I know how, even in my unavailability, my hormones and body reacted to him the day I met him. If I'm right, I can't say I blame her. I'll let her sleep for now, but I want all the spicy details later.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

About three hours later, while I'm sitting on the couch reading, Joanne emerges from her bedroom. I look at my watch to see that half the day is gone, but I have a feeling that, for her, the loss was totally worth it. I set down my book and go to the kitchen to make her a coffee and myself a tea. I've been reading a sappy smut novel all morning and I'm eager to hear about her real life encounter. My hormones have been insatiable lately and I'm horny all the time. Reading smut helps me satisfy my needs mentally, since handling the physical need is a little trickier. But knowing that someone in this house is getting a happy ending makes me giddy and curious. If it was Rhyse that had my Joanne up so late last night, I can finally get the inside on what it is, besides his looks, that keeps the ladies coming.

She enters the kitchen in a long button-up night shirt and boxer shorts and has tamed her mane of dark tresses. She leans herself against the counter as I pour her cup of coffee and when I move out of the way she grabs it greedily and raises it to her nose.

"You are the best friend ever." She blows on the hot liquid preparing it for her first sip.

"Care to tell your best friend where you were and who you were with last night?" With my question, a smile spreads across her face and there's no hiding that any mention of last night brings back very good memories. "Come on! You said you weren't a lady!"

"Well, let's start from the beginning, shall we? You ditched me for dinner with Frank last night," she lifts her eyebrows and grins. "Which I'd like to hear about next, by the way. So I stopped and got a salad, a bottle of wine, and your ice cream, then came back here. I was waiting for the elevator, because I'll admit, I use it when I'm not with you, when Rhyse walked up and waited with me." She's smiling again and I can't help but to join her.

"And? Don't stop now!"

"He said hello and we made small talk as we rode up. Then I just happened to mention that you abandoned me and that I was solo for the night. I showed off my _extravagant_ dinner plans and batted my eyes and he asked if I would like company. I think it was the wine and ice cream combination, it made me look pathetic and in need of rescuing." I roll my eyes, but now that she's mentioned ice cream, I want some. I go to the freezer and grab the carton and then to the drawer for a spoon, not caring that eating straight from it is barbaric behavior because there probably won't be any left when I get done anyway.

"Then what?"

"I snuck back in here and you busted me. End of story." She takes another long sip of her coffee.

"Bullshit! You will not leave me hanging like that! Do you have any idea what it's like to have your hormones raging to the point where you're horny all the time and have no way to quench that need? I'm tired of reading smut, I need something real," I say nearly whining.

"Wow! Julia, I never pegged you as a beggar." She laughs at me and I realize how desperate I sound. But I don't give a shit. I've watched Rhyse for years and always wondered what was so great about him. Now I have an insider and by the way she's teasing me, I'd say that number one on the _What's so great about Rhyse Carter_ list is definitely the sex.

Joanne refills her mug and walks towards the living room, then sits on the couch and pats the space next to her. I obediently follow and sit, turning so that I face her.

"Well, let's just start by saying that anywhere you'd think to sit, stand, sleep, or eat in his condo now sparks very fond memories for me."

Oh my God! This is going to be better than any book I've ever read by far.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

I had planned to spend my birthday with my son and family, but instead I've been instructed to have no unsupervised contact with Ann, unsupervised meaning without legal counsel, which means I can't see Connor. Though it's still a couple of days away, happy fucking birthday to me.

It's makes me sick that she'd cry wolf over something as serious as me hitting her and then just drop the whole thing, like it was a big joke. Since it happened, I've seriously considered just leaving; going back to Boston and putting all this behind me, but I can't. Now I know what Julia was talking about when she said Connor was my miracle. Not only can't I walk away from him but I can't just leave him with Ann either. She's losing her mind at record speeds. No, I have to wait this out, and when I finally do leave, I'll need two seats on the plane.

Although it totally sucks not being able to see my boy, not having to speak to Ann is a blessing. It does get annoying because she still calls all the time, mostly just to hang up but sometimes she leaves a message that makes no sense. I have to log and save every single one so that we can use it later in my case against her. I don't think she'd ever intentionally hurt Connor, but her behavior is so unpredictable. I worry for him, but not having to deal with her has dropped my stress level massively.

With all the silence over the weekend, I've had too much time to think and all that thinking brought me to the conclusion that all I need to do is sign that damn paper so we can move on. Waiting for the subpoenaed test results is just wasting precious time. We know what they say, so why is Russ so hell bent on waiting for them?

At the beginning of the week I find I have some free time so I use it to call Russ and tell him I'm done waiting. I want to move on, get my boy, and get as far away from Ann as possible. Surprisingly he picks up on the first ring.

"Hey, Derick. How's it going?"

"It's going, but I need it to go better. I want to sign the affidavit. I'll do whatever I need to so that we can get to the next step. I'm tired of waiting for results all the while Ann's losing her fucking mind while she has my son."

"Whoa! Wait up, buddy. I'm not going to let you sign anything. You sign nothing without me. Do you hear me?"

"I don't understand. I already showed you the results. We already know what they're going to say. We're just wasting time and if I remember right, _I_ hired you."

"I understand what you're saying, I do, but hear me out and don't lose your shit on me."

"Talk." He is the smartest guy I know and if he has a solid reason, I really have no choice but to trust him.

"Ann came to you in Boston all ready with a place and time to take the test. Then, you never got your results but she did. Next, she shows up with an envelope with your name and her address saying that the clinic messed up and threatening you to cooperate. I call bullshit! I'm not saying that you're not the kid's father, but I'm not letting you sign shit based on the piece of paper you have. I love you, buddy, but you have always been the softest do-right mother fucker I've ever known. I'm not letting that bitch fuck you over again."

If it wasn't for the fact that he's obviously miles away and we're discussing this over the phone, I'd swear he just smacked the shit out of me. But I think that's exactly what I needed. Everything he's just said hits me like a ton of bricks. I did fall easily into all of this, maybe not in the beginning when I resisted every idea that Connor was my son, but he's right; I never took anything into my own hands. I never questioned anything, even when I knew something felt off.

"For the record, I'm not soft. Truth be told, I didn't want to come back here. I'm only here because of Julia. Russ, right now that kid is all I have."

"I know, man. It'll work out the way it's supposed to. But I need you to trust me. I would never steer you wrong."

"I know you wouldn't. When is this paternity hearing going to happen? How much longer do I have to wait?"

"We're on the calendar for May twelfth. First hearing that day."

"Another month? When will the results be in? When will we know whether or not we even need to go through with all this?" He's managed to put doubt in my head and I don't know what I hope for anymore.

"May twelfth. I had the order stipulate that they be sent directly to the court. That way there is zero chance of foul play. The judge will read the results at the hearing."

"All right then. But if the opportunity to get this done any sooner comes up, I want you to hop on it like you did that red headed chick from senior year. Got it?"

"Damn, she was crazy in the best way. You got it. Now chill the fuck out! I'll talk to you later."

"Whatever. Later."

I swear if this was all some bullshit lie to get me back here so that she could... hell I can't even think of what her motive would be. She's obviously got issues, but that's low even for her. I'd like to say that Russ is being paranoid, but I know he's just looking out for me. And while Russ is looking out for me, I'm thinking ahead to when I'll be able to put all of this behind me.

Julia - 58 Roses

IT'S BEEN A LONG week both physically and emotionally. Joanne was only here three out of the five nights, but she was never far away. Not that I payed much attention to every woman Rhyse brought home, but it seems to me that Joanne might be a favorite. On the two nights that she was home, she cashed in her rain check for the story of my past, which actually felt good to tell to someone without a medical degree. Needless to say, I managed to polish off my half gallon of ice cream and she went through two bottles of wine and a box of tissues.

Then I told her about my meeting with Frank. She said she noticed that the interaction between the two of us seemed a little more strained than usual. Hopefully, she was the only one that noticed. And I'm not sure if it was just to lighten the mood, but she said it's no wonder men fall in love with me; I'm just one of those women men can't forget. I've never thought of myself that way.

So, with all of that, I've decided not to leave the condo at all today for anything less than a life-threatening emergency. Joanne has a meeting with the apartment owner today, and is hoping for news that she can move back home soon; that's what she says anyway. I think she likes being across the hall from Rhyse. I, on the other hand, really enjoy having her here and I'm not looking forward to being alone again.

It's a little sad really—before Derick I did things. I had routines. I went to the gym, out to eat, and I went for walks to the park all the time. I loved the park because it was where I felt close to my family. But since Derick's been gone, I do nothing. That's until Joanne came along. I feel like I'm stuck in a funk with no real intentions of getting out of it, at least not 'til the baby comes.

I was worried that come Monday, things at work were going to be weird between Frank and me. It really wasn't too bad, but it wasn't normal either. We tried not to leave things on a bad note that night, both of us deciding that the friendship we had was something we weren't willing to sacrifice. I love Frank, but the love I have for him could never be enough, it's not the kind he deserves.

But now he understands half of the reason why I suggested training Joanne again. I'm going to need time off in a few months and I was setting up a plan. He's not thrilled with the fact that I didn't trust him enough to come to him so that we could make this decision together, but he's able to accept the fact that I was trying to avoid adding more insult to injury when I blindsided him with the news.

I'm sitting on the couch reading my book, when there's a knock at the door. At first, I ignore it, waving it off as a figment of my imagination, obviously my book world invading reality for a brief moment. Besides, no one ever comes to visit me. Then again there's the rapping noise from outside my door.

I set my book down, so that it straddles the arm of the couch to hold my place during this brief interruption. I look down and take in my appearance, but decide that yoga pants and a loose button-up shirt, though unflattering, is good enough for my unknown mid-day intruder. Then I think that it could be Rhyse looking for Joanne. I can't let him see me like this, but just as quickly as it came, I wave off that worry because Rhyse and I will never be any more than neighbors anyway.

I don't bother to check through the peephole before unlocking the door and pulling it open. I'm surprised to see a well-dressed man, looking to be in his forties, standing before me. I have no idea who he is or what he wants and I'm prepared to tell him he has the wrong suite, but he doesn't let me wonder long enough for the words to be produced.

"Julia Morreau?"

"Yes. Can I help you?"

He reaches into the inside pocket of his suit jacket and produces an envelope.

"I am Jared Collins. I am, well I was, Henry Ellis' attorney."

As soon as the name escapes his lips and he changes the tense of their relationship from _am_ to _was_ , I know what he's about to tell me and instead of letting him say the words I do it for him, hoping that hearing them come from my own lips may lessen the pain they'll inflict.

"He's gone. Isn't he?" My eyes quickly and involuntarily fill with tears.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Morreau, he is. He came to me just after Christmas and he gave me this asking me to deliver it to you when the time came. He also told me to remind you of your promise?" He looks at me confused. He apparently wasn't let in on the secret between Henry and me. It must be odd for him to remind me of something he doesn't even know, but I don't need him to know because I remember it like it was yesterday. _Just plant a kiss on this cheek and promise me I'll never have to see another tear in them pretty eyes again._

The memory does nothing to help me keep that promise to him now and the spiteful part of me wants to cry harder, because he's no longer here to make sure I'll keep it. I do try, but fail and the tears fall.

Mr. Collins watches me sympathetically as the memory comes and goes. Then he stretches out his arm to hand me the envelope. I take it and bring it to my chest, hugging it to me as if trying to feel close to him one last time.

"Thank you, Mr. Collins, for coming here today."

"It was my pleasure, Ms. Morreau." He reaches again into his suit pocket, but this time, he produces a business card and hands it to me. "If you ever need anything, legal or otherwise, please let me know."

"Thank you. I will." I take it, not oblivious to the fact that he's hitting on me, but react as though it's just a kind gesture.

He looks as though there's more he'd like to say, and lingers for a minute, but he doesn't say another word. Finally, with a nod he turns to go.

I close the door, still holding the envelope close to my chest. I don't bother to secure the locks again before I walk to the couch and plop down, knocking my book from its place in the process, but I don't care.

I take a deep breath and flip the letter over in my hands. Free handed on the front is my name, in what I assume to be Henry's handwriting. It's masculine but shaky and I brush my fingers over the letters; the mindless act causing a fresh stream of tears.

"Sorry, Henry, but right now it's a promise I just can't keep."

As much as I want to open it, I don't want to open it. They're his last words to me and I can't bear to read them. His passing forces me to face a major change in my future. I'll no longer be able to see my family on Christmas Eve, and by family, I mean Henry too.

I just stare at the letter moving my finger across it and it's then that I feel that the contents are more than a piece of paper. There's something small but solid enclosed as well. Curiosity overrides my heart's resistance to read his letter, so I take in a deep breath and tear open the seal.

There's a folded piece of paper and as I tip it a key falls into my hand. I keep hold of the key as I unfold the letter. His writing is so shaky and it's more noticeable than on the front of the envelope, but it doesn't matter because these are his words, his words to me. Though he'd only known me for a few years and our visits were but once a year, I'm honored that he thought of me.

I wipe my eyes and try to focus on his words, which is not easy, but he thought enough of me to write these words and I think enough of him to try to hold my tears long enough to read them.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dear Green Eyes,

_I_ ' _m sure you could tell when you last visited, that this old man wasn_ ' _t getting along as easy as he used to. But I told myself, I_ ' _d hang around long enough to see those pretty green eyes, just once more._

_I want you to know that the Christmas Eves we spent together, gave me a reason to keep pushing on. After the first time I saw you, crying at that gate, I knew I wasn_ ' _t going anywhere 'til I knew you were happy again. When I saw you with Derick, I knew you were. I saw a connection and a love between the two of you that reminded me of my Emily, and though I was happy for you, it made me miss her more than ever._

_Derick_ ' _s going to take good care of you and love you more than you can ever imagine for the rest of your lives. I_ ' _m not psychic or anything, but there_ ' _re just some things an old man like me knows, and I also know it_ ' _s time to be rejoined with my love._

_The key is for the gate, that way you_ ' _ll always be able to see your family on Christmas Eve. No one usually works on Christmas Eve. I did that because I wanted to, but if you do run into the new grounds keeper, tell him I sent you, that should get you by for a few years to come. All I ask is that you stop by to see an old man and leave a kiss on my left cheek, metaphorically speaking of course. But, absolutely no tears are to be spilled from them pretty eyes of yours, not for me._

You are a beautiful woman, inside and out. Thank you for being part of my life and allowing me to be part of yours. Enjoy every blessing that life gives you, Green Eyes. And always believe that love will prevail.

Love always,

Henry

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

No promise I could ever make is strong enough to keep my tears at bay now. I let them fall without remorse because not even Henry could expect me to hold them in right now. I will break my promise this once and then try my damnedest to never break it again.

I have no idea how much time has gone by when I finally feel like I can cry no more. I'm exhausted, my thoughts are scattered, and my heart is so broken. I've lost one more friend—family—and someone I loved. I'm tired of losing. I'm tired of having the people I love ripped from me.

It's in that moment of pure grief for every loss I've endured, that I reach out to the only one that I still have any chance with.

_Me: He_ ' _s gone. Henry_ ' _s gone._

His response is almost immediate. As much as I push him away, he's still there for me.

_Derick: I_ ' _m so sorry, Jules. Are you okay?_

No. I'm not okay and I want to tell him that I'm not and that I need him, but I can't. I don't.

Me: I will be. I just needed to tell someone. I don't want to bear it alone.

Derick: I wish I could be there for you.

I wish you could too. But you can't. I can't ask you to.

Me: That means so much, but you can't.

I wait a minute for his response, not knowing what I expect him to say because that wasn't fair of me.

Me: Good night, Derick.

I know he wishes he could give me exactly what I want, but I can't let him do that. I can't let him feel guilty that he's not here for me and I can't feel guilty that he wishes he could be. He didn't respond so I know he took my last text as the farewell I intended it to be and he doesn't text back again. It's the only correspondence we've had in almost two months, and it wasn't enough, but it was all I could allow. It was a moment of weakness and greed that caused me to cave. One moment that I can not allow to be repeated.

I sit there silent for a minute or two looking from Henry's letter to Derick's text, and then at the key. It's completely silent, but then I hear a rustling at my door. I set everything on the couch and go to the door. When I open the door and look out into the hall, all traces of whoever was just here are gone. But evidence that someone was here remains, by way of a single rose left on my door.

I'll have to abide by the words that my dear friend left me. Enjoy my blessings and believe that love will prevail. I take the rose from the door and hold it to my nose, then I place my hand on my stomach.

"You are the blessing and I hope for both of us that love does indeed prevail."

Derick

IT'S ALMOST NOON AND I just grabbed Ginger's leash off the hook so we can go for a run when my phone chimes in with a text message. No doubt it's Ann since her efforts to get me to talk to her lately have been nothing short of relentless. She wants me to drop the hearing and it's simple—I won't.

Per my attorney's instructions, I don't answer any of her calls, respond to any of her texts, and I don't have any plans to do it any differently today. She fucked up by calling the cops and having me arrested for kidnapping my own son. I was willing to play nice before she drugged me and even after. I was willing to work with her, hoping she'd seen reason and get help, but she threw that all out the window. She did, not me. She's about to find out what a big mistake that was.

I plan on ignoring the text altogether and continue my task of clipping the leash onto Ginger's collar, but again the chime sounds reminding me that it's there and waiting for me. So now I have a choice to make. Do I wait 'til I get back from my run, letting it plague my mind and keep me from the clarity I seek? Or do I get it out of the way and use the anger, it's bound to cause me, as fuel and a reason to run harder?

I choose the latter and pick my phone up off the table. There's no reason why I can't use her ridiculous behavior to my advantage. I bring the screen to life, sure of what I'm about to see, and I'm knocked on my ass by what I never expected to see. My heart skips at least three beats and suddenly I need to sit down. The text isn't from Ann. It's from Jules.

I look away blinking my eyes repeatedly and force a couple of deep breaths into my lungs before I look back at the screen. I can't believe I'm seeing her name. It almost feels like I'm dreaming while I'm wide awake. I swipe the screen to open the message and when I read it, it's not at all what I had expected to see.

Henry's gone.

I say the only thing I can, _I'm sorry_. I only met the man once but during that brief visit, I could easily see how much he cared for Jules and how much she cared for him too. She must be in so much pain right now and I should be there to comfort her, to hold her, and keep her from feeling alone.

I could be there in just a few hours, but she didn't ask me to. She said she just needed to tell someone and then she said goodbye. Again. She needed to free herself from the burden of having to hold it in and she chose me. That alone should fill me with happiness and hope because it proves that she hasn't let go of me any more than I have let go of her. Instead guilt and disappointment fill my heart. Guilt for all I've put her through leading up to this point and disappointment in myself for not keeping my word. I promised Henry I'd take care of her and I haven't. I've hurt her and nearly destroyed her trust.

This text from her proves that not everything between us is lost. She reached for my strength and, in turn, ignited a desire to be stronger for her. To make sure that I keep the promises I made her because those are the only ones that count.

I stare down at her words and feel that there were many left unspoken. But who am I to point out or criticize the act of not saying what should be said and not doing what should have been done? I'm guilty of it too. I'm here in California, all the way across the country from where I know I should be and with the woman I know I'm destined to be with.

Well, there's no time like the present to start doing what I should've done as soon as I got here. It's only been a few days since I talked to Russ, but I'm done being patient. I tap the phone icon and scroll through the contacts until I find the one I'm looking for, then hit the call button.

Of course, it just rings and rings. He's probably out golfing or whatever it is justifiably expensive lawyers do. With Jules' text still fresh in my mind, my motivation to make things right is revived and I only have one goal in mind. I need to get back to her. His voice mail finally picks up and I wait for my cue to speak.

"Russ. Derick here. I'm done screwing around. I want this hearing moved up as soon as possible. Remind me why I'm paying you so much." I hang up.

It's time to stop being the man that plays nice and gets taken advantage of. It's time to be the man that fights for what he wants and gets what he wants. By the time I'm done here, I'll have my son and Jules back.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia - 60 Roses

I get to start off my week with a doctor's appointment to check on the baby. I'm almost fourteen weeks now and officially out of the first trimester _danger zone_. My nausea has become a rare event and I feel like I'm starting to get some energy back. With all things considered, I'm feeling pretty good. There was a minor emotional setback of learning about Henry, and Derick's words, _I wish I could be there for you_ , summoned a bit of melancholy, but it's passed. I think it has everything to do with knowing that Joanne will be staying for, at the most, another two weeks. Though I never wanted to have any dependence on her, I do and she lets me.

Other than the emotional roller coaster, I think I'm taking to this pregnancy pretty well and I also think that the hard pregnancy I had last time was directly related to carrying twins and the stress of a young broke couple, still newly married. We'll see what Dr. Stewart says today.

I walk into the office and there're at least fifteen other people in the room. I sign myself in, take a seat, and pull out my book. I'm ready to settle in for the long wait. The nurse opens the door and calls a name, not my name but that of the girl sitting to my right. She and the man with her stand and walk together to be lead into the back office. I try not to waste too much time dwelling on it, but I can't help that I'm suddenly overwhelmed with feelings about what I just saw.

I'm happy for that woman because she's not alone, but I'm sad and jealous because I'm alone and something I've never felt before rears its ugly head—anger. I'm angry that she has what was ripped from me, but I'm even more angry because if I look closely and really see the truth—I'm angry because I let it go. I _gave_ it away.

Why couldn't I go with him? What do I really have here that I can't leave? The answer is nothing. I have nothing and my everything is in California where I sent him to deal with something we should be dealing with together. I fucked up, in the worst way and every day that I keep this baby from him, I'm making it worse. I need a plan.

"Julia?" The nurse calls my name so I shove my book in my purse and stand to walk to meet her. "Good morning, dear." She's an older, plump woman and when she calls me dear, she makes me think of things a grandmother would say. Grandmother. I think of Liz and how not only am I a time thief where Derick is concerned, I'm stealing it from all of them. "Julia. Are you okay?" the nurse asks.

"Yes. Yes, I'm fine. Sorry."

"It's okay, dear. Baby brain, as I like to call it. Every mom gets it." I smile because I only wish I could blame it on the baby. "Let's get you on the scale."

Another two pounds explains why I've recently experienced another size increase in my pants. I'm now sitting on the table waiting for the doctor to come in. I didn't come in with a lot of questions but I did have a few, only now I can only think of the one and it just popped into my head minutes ago. Other than assuring me that everything is going as planned and that my little one is happy and healthy in there, I only have one thing to ask and I need her answer to be yes.

There's a light knock at the door and then she pushes it open.

"Hello, Julia. How is everything with you today?"

"I'm good. Slowly but surely starting to feel normal again."

"That's good. I'm just going to take some measurements and then we'll take a listen." I lie back on the table, lift my blouse off my stomach, and push the top of my pants down to just below my belly. "Have you felt any movement yet?"

"No. Isn't it still too early for that?" I ask surprised at the question.

"Generally yes, but some women who are on their second or more pregnancy say they can feel it sooner. Who am I to discount their experience, right? It's possible." She finishes her measurements and jots them on the chart. "You're right on target. Now relax. This will be a little cold."

She squirts on the jelly, then presses the Doppler low on my belly. It's only a second or two before I hear the _swoosh, swoosh_ of my baby's heart. It's so much stronger than last time and the sound brings tears of joy to my eyes. "That sound is so beautiful."

"I agree. It's nice and strong. I'd say everything is going perfectly." She removes the Doppler and wipes the jelly from my skin. "So I don't think I need to see you for another month. You and the baby are doing great. Do you have any questions for me?"

Here it is, the moment that will help me decide my next move.

"I had a few, but now I'm drawing a blank." I'll just blame it on baby brain.

"Well if they come to you, give me a call."

"There is one that I remember." I'm almost afraid to ask because although I want her to say yes, if she does, I'll have nothing left to hide behind.

"Well, go ahead. You can ask me anything."

"I know it sounds silly, but I'm thinking about taking a trip. Is it okay for me to fly?"

"As long as there are no complications you can fly all the way up to thirty-six weeks. Where are you thinking about going?"

"I was kind of thinking about taking a trip to California. Maybe Santa Barbara."

Derick

AFTER I LEFT THAT message for Russ, he didn't call back 'til two days later saying he was working on it. The biggest hold up was getting the results from the lab in Boston, but he said he was on it. Apparently he has a _friend_ at the courthouse who's going to let him know as soon as the results arrive and help us to get moved up on the docket. He talked about this friend very fondly and I have a feeling that the cost of this favor won't be a hardship for him at all. It may not get us moved up a lot, but right now I'll take whatever I can get.

What I need is to keep my mind busy with things other than this hearing. As if I ever stopped thinking about her, I find that Jules is the light that keeps me from losing my mind. No matter what happens here, whether I win or lose, I know I still have her, and once I've upheld my responsibilities here, I can get back to her.

But even though the thought of her is refreshing, it does nothing to make time go by any faster. I needed a huge distraction and I found myself in Evan's office first thing last Friday morning asking for a project that'll require every ounce of my free time 'til this all comes to an end. He obliged me by giving me a solo project which would probably be better suited for a team, but he said that if it's focus that I need, this will require a lot of it and he's certain that if anyone can do it alone, I can.

I worked from home all through the weekend, taking breaks only to play with Ginger and to go for our runs. This project is doing the trick of holding my attention and suddenly Ann's calls and texts have come to a halt which is an added bonus. Come Tuesday of the next week, I've been so consumed with work, which is what I wanted, that I'm still at the office at seven o'clock when Russ calls. Looking at my watch I see that it's about time for me to take a break anyway. I take off my readers and set them on my desk and then pick up the phone and seeing Russ' name, I excitedly accept the call.

"Russ. Tell me you have good news." I don't think he'd be calling if he didn't.

"I do. The results are in and I got us moved up to next Friday."

"A week and a half closer. That's only a ten days away, this is great news! Thank you so much and thank your friend."

"Oh, trust me, I plan on thanking her very well."

"Can you have everything ready for the next step? I don't want to waste any more time. I know the custody hearing will take a while but in the meantime I want visitation. I need to see my son."

"I've got all that covered. If the results say he's yours, I'll be able to file the custody hearing immediately. We'll nail her to the wall."

"I don't care for your choice of words, you know, _been there done that_ , but I know what you mean. Thanks, Russ."

"Any time. I'll talk to you sometime this week."

"All right. Bye."

"Bye."

Ten more days 'til I'll know what the next move is and how much longer I'm trapped here. The time can't go fast enough and it's a blessing that I have this project to occupy my mind or I just might go crazy. But I can't work anymore tonight. My concentration was broken just long enough, causing me to lose the desire for any more work.

I need to get home, take Ginger for her walk, and try to relax. The last on the list will definitely be the hardest. How can I relax when there are so many things going on around me that I have little or no control over? I want to see my son—I can't. I want to get through this hearing so I'll have the answers necessary to make my next move—I have to wait. I want the one and only person, who makes me feel strong, standing beside me when the truth is revealed—she can't be. And now Russ has put the thought into my head that Connor may not even be mine. That very question consumed me in the beginning and back then I would've been quite content to have the answer be _no_.

But Jules changed the way I thought. She showed that he was a gift and made me step out of my own way to accept him. She took the choice into her own hands so that I didn't make the wrong one. Now, I think I'd be absolutely crushed to learn that he's not mine. Even worse than Ann denying me a child in the first place, is for her to dangle the possibility in front of me without any intention of ever letting me have it.

I shake my head, annoyed with the fact that I've sat back and let other people dictate my life. I should've been more assertive when it came to dealing with Ann and I should've told Jules that there was no way I was leaving her, but it's too late to change what's been done. And I've got ten days 'til I find out what I need to do.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia - 67 Roses

I've gone back and forth at least a thousand times and now I sit with my finger on the mouse button about to lock in the decision that could change my life. I'm so nervous but I haven't felt this excited about anything in over two months. I move the mouse to hover over the button that will confirm not only my decision, but my flight reservation. I close my eyes and click.

When I open them back up, I'm looking at a confirmation number for my flight from Logan Airport to Santa Barbara Municipal Airport. I can't believe I did it but now that I have, I've never been more sure about anything. I want—no—I _need_ to be with him. I need to support him and let him know that I love him and whatever or whoever comes with him. I want it all.

I've just hit the print button when Joanne walks into my office and as she walks around the desk I quickly shrink the screen so she can't see what I've been doing, but I underestimate her. She reaches for the printer and takes the page off before I can stop her. She looks at it and then at me wearing a sly smile.

"Going somewhere, Julia?"

"Maybe." She reads it a little closer, then looks back at me.

"Maybe to Santa Barbara? Doesn't a certain someone live in Santa Barbara? A certain baby daddy?" Of course she would go there.

"Yes. Yes, he does." I smile shyly thinking that in less than a week, I'll be able tell him about the baby. _Our_ baby.

"Well it's about damn time! I'm glad to see you finally pulled your head out of your ass."

"Excuse me?"

"That's right. You heard me. There's no denying that you still love him and, besides that, you're having his baby. You made him go and passed it off as protecting him when really you were only trying to protect yourself. Only with all you've ever told me about him, I've never been able to figure out what you thought you were protecting yourself from. I see it as nothing more than fear, but you had to figure it out for yourself. I'm glad you finally did."

"How long would you have let me go before whipping out your inner big sister and forcing me to see reason?" I smile and she pretends to be thinking about her answer.

"Another month maybe. Can I ask what happened to make you change your mind so suddenly?"

"I was at the doctor the other day and there was this couple. They both looked so excited to be sharing the experience of having a baby. I was jealous, but then realized that it was me that was robbing us of that. There's no reason why I can't leave, but it was the excuse I used to not go with him when he asked me. What do I have here? There's nothing tangible, only memories and I can take them anywhere I want. I want to share this with him." I look up at Joanne and it's not 'til then that I realize I'd ever looked away. Her eyes are glossed over and she looks down at my itinerary in her hand.

"So you leave Friday? Do you need a ride?"

"I'd love one."

She closes the distance between us, pulls me from my chair, and gives me the most loving hug.

"I'm proud of you, Julia." Then she steps back to look me in the eyes once more. "Looks like this place might be looking for two managing editors soon."

"Maybe. We'll see."

"Well, tell Frank I'd love to be one of them. I'd hoped it would be you and me, a power-packed wonder woman team, but—"

"But nothing! It could still be us. Who says I'm leaving forever?" Her statement makes me feel guilty because all along there was a possibility that I was going to leave and that my intentions were for her to serve as my replacement.

"If you have Derick back and a chance for your happily ever after, why ever would you want to come back here? That's it! You know what? I'm officially firing you from making your own choices in regards to your love life and happiness because you make bad ones!" We both start to laugh.

"I do huh? Well my bad choices are made with good intentions."

"Yeah, but at some point they have to be good for you too." She shakes the itinerary in front of me. "Congratulations for making your second good choice this year." _Second?_

"What was the first?"

"Becoming my friend." I hug her so tight because she has it all wrong, she became my friend when I needed her the most, but she was more than that.

"Thank you for being a sister to me," I say without breaking the hug. And if it were even possible she hugs me tighter. "You're going to squeeze the baby out, Aunt Joanne." She releases me and steps back to look at me, a hint of surprise in her eyes.

"It's Aunt Jo. And I'm going to spoil the shit out of this kid no matter what coast she's raised on!"

"She? Your bet is that it's a girl?"

"Yup." She's very confident.

"Okay," I nod. I haven't really given thought as to what gender the baby would be. It didn't and it still doesn't matter, but now that I'm finally taking the steps to make sure that Derick and I welcome this baby together, I can't help but envision a perfect little boy with his blue eyes looking up at me. "We'll see. Right now, back to work. We need to plan out next week, any questions you have, any issues you foresee; this is your first big test. Oh, and I need to tell Frank." My positive energy falters for a moment. "That's going to be a little weird."

"He'll understand. He wants you to be happy, Julia."

I nod but don't verbally respond. Things have been okay between us but there hasn't been any mention of Derick, the baby, or his admissions of his feelings for me. Well, there's no more avoiding the topic because I'm making a choice that affects us all. One that finally makes _me_ happy.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Later that afternoon, I go to see Frank. Once I confirm with Ashley that his schedule is clear for a while, I approach the door and knock softly.

"Come in," he says from the other side.

I open the door and walk in and the look on his face quickly shows an odd combination of joy and melancholy. He's as hurt by my presence as he is happy about it. Usually I walk in with complete confidence and make it appear that it being _his_ office means little to me, but today I walk in a bit timid and his reaction does little to change that. I close the door and sit where I always sit across the desk from him.

"Frank—"

"Julia, stop. I need to say something before you say whatever it is you're about to." _Okay_ "I'm not sorry about what I said to you at dinner. It took a lot for me to admit what I'd been carrying inside for a long time. I want you to know that I'm not upset with your reaction, in fact, I'm so sorry if I made you feel that I was. I was disappointed and hurt, who wouldn't be when you lay your heart out and... well it doesn't matter anyway. I knew you still loved him. I've felt the difference between us here and I don't like it. Until I brought Derick on, it was just the two of us for a long time and we were a great team. It's no one's fault but my own because I let my personal feelings interfere with business and I'm sorry for that."

"Frank, no. You were honest with me and at one point I might have reciprocated your feelings—"

"Before Derick," he interrupts, with a statement, not a question.

"Yes."

"So as your friend I have one very important question for you." I just stare at him and he sees it in my eyes, the fear of what that question might be. "Why aren't you with him now?"

It's the question of my life. The question I've asked myself hundreds of times and the one that the only two people who really know me ask.

"I once thought I had good answers to that question, but I've realized lately that I never did. That's actually why I'm here. I'm leaving for Santa Barbara Friday morning. Joanne is ready and willing to take over. I can't say how long I'll be or when I'll return. I just know that if I don't go, I'll regret it for the rest of my life."

He just looks at me for a moment, as if analyzing me and finally the corners of his mouth lift in a modest smile.

"He's one lucky man to have the love of a woman like you. Take as long as you need. I'll call Joanne in and offer her the position as soon as I get the paperwork together."

I stand and walk to the other side of the desk and give Frank a hug, feeling that any oddness between us is gone. He hugs me back and when I back up from him, I see the Frank who's been there for me all these years. My oldest and closest friend.

Julia - 69 Roses

IT'S TWO DAYS 'TIL I leave and I've decided to tell Liz about my surprise visit. As it is, I don't have any addresses and though I'm sure I could dig up something, all I know for sure is that he's in Santa Barbara. I pick up my phone and pull up the last text she sent me, then begin my message.

Me: I'm coming to Santa Barbara

No hello first—no good morning or afternoon. I cut right to the chase. Because of the three-hour advantage I have, it's late morning there and I figure her response will be prompt. It is, but it's not by text. My phone begins to ring and Liz's name flashes on the screen.

"Hello."

"Julia! I just spilt coffee all over myself, dear. You're coming here? Does Derick know?"

"No. I'm hoping to surprise him."

"That you will! What made you change your mind? You know I love you, Julia, but I have to ask. I can't watch his heart get broken again." Her question is valid but she leaves me no time to answer before she follows it up with a warning. No doubt she's worried that I'll get scared and run again. I'll give her the truth but only a part of it. Derick will be the first to know the rest.

"I love him and I don't want to live without him any longer. I'm sorry it took me so long to see. I'm so sorry I hurt everyone."

"He really needs you right now, Julia. Between losing you and the fight over Connor, he's... he just really needs you."

"I need him too. I'll be there Friday afternoon. I just need an address and I'll take a cab."

"Nonsense! I'll pick you up." I didn't expect she'd allow me to take a cab.

"Okay. I'll send you the information, but please, _don't_ tell Derick."

"I won't. Witnessing the look on his face when he sees your beautiful face will be worth the wait." She pauses before saying, "None of us ever stopped loving you, Julia, most of all Derick. His only plan since he got here was to find his way to get back to you, but he knew he had to do what you asked of him first." Her words make me want to cry. Seeing it for the first time as he must have; it's as if I put him to some test to prove himself to me. Now that I've opened my eyes, I see how terrible I was.

"I never stopped loving him and I have a lot to apologize for." With that, we disconnect and now that Liz knows of my plan, there's no turning back.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick - 70 Roses

The hearing is tomorrow and there's absolutely nothing that's going to hold my attention effectively enough tonight. I've all but finished the project that Evan gave me and if I never showed up to work again, he'd have very little to do. I doubt I'll sleep a wink tonight and I feel the need to release some of this pent up stress I have before I'll even try.

I've never been one to worry so much but my anxiety is so thick, you could cut it with a knife. Too many thoughts are rolling around in my head. If he is mine, what's next? And although you might think it would simplify everything, what if he's not? I haven't seen him in three weeks. Will he even remember me?

I don't want to go home and sit there dwelling on what tomorrow may bring. I just want to unwind for a while. I drive by an old hangout. Its neon _Open_ sign catches my eye and I think maybe it's the place to steal my attention for a while. As I pull into the parking lot I seem to remember that an old friend of mine used to bartend here. Right now a trip down memory lane that doesn't include Ann would be nice. She's the entire reason behind all my angst.

When I walk into the place, it's as if I'm teleported to a time in my life where everything was so simple and there's only one other person sitting at the other end of the bar. Michael. Immediately, I want to walk out, but lately I have too many people making my decisions for me and I'm tired of it. I came here for a drink and to unwind and that's what I intend to do.

I take a seat at the other end of the bar farthest from where he is and refrain from making eye contact by not looking his way at all. When the bartender comes over, it's not the old friend I expected, which is fine, and I order a brandy on the rocks, which earns me an arguable look. On the rocks isn't a favored way to drink brandy, but it's how I enjoy it and right now I'm not looking for anyone to tell me how to do anything.

I'm not two sips into my drink when I hear his voice and without looking, I can tell he's getting closer.

"You're ruining your brandy." _Fucker._

"Yeah, well you're ruining my mood and it sucked to start with, so you got yourself an unwarranted head start."

He sits two bar stools away, careful to leave some space between us. Smart move but personally I thought the space we had was sufficient. Apparently he didn't.

"I heard you were back in town." Does he really think I want to talk to him?

"Yup. That's pretty obvious because here I sit, ruining good brandy." I hold up the glass for show then bring it to my lips. When my stress is high, my smartass game is on point. But the next words out of his mouth are nowhere near what I expected.

"I loved her, Derick. I would've never done that to you if I didn't. I don't know when it happened or how, but it did and now having lost both of you it seems none of it was worth it at all. I know it doesn't mean much but I'm sorry."

"You're right about one thing, it doesn't mean much. As a matter of fact, now it means nothing because I don't care about any of it." I keep my eyes on my drink to avoid contact with him.

"Then why are you here?"

"Like you don't know." Finally, I look up at him and it's plain to see that he doesn't know why I'm back in Santa Barbara. "I'm here for my son, the one that wasn't yours."

His face changes and there's a sign of recollection quickly followed by confusion.

"But why? He's not yours either." I'm going to beat his ass!

"What do you mean, he's not mine? How would you fucking know that? After all, I _was_ married to her while you two were nothing more than fuck buddies." Instantly there's a fire in my chest and it's not from the brandy.

"I meant just what I said. He's not your son." He better start explaining and if, at any moment, I think this is a fucking joke, I swear I'll kill him. He sees the fire and proceeds with caution. "I saw the results of your test."

"And how exactly did you see the results of _my_ test?" I ask through clenched teeth.

"Ever since the kid was born it's like she's lost her mind. One day we're celebrating his birth, the next she's telling me that I ruined her life and she never wants to see me again and that I wasn't his father. But I loved her and, even if that was true, I was willing to raise him as my own. Her behavior became more erratic and I thought maybe she was on something or was suffering from postpartum depression. I was worried. Anyway, one day I went to the house while she wasn't home to snoop around. It was my luck that she never changed the locks. I let myself in and it wasn't long before I saw the paper lying on the table in the hall and I got curious. It was the results to your test. It said, clear as day, zero percent."

"This can't be." I shake my head in disbelief. He's not my son? Russ hinted to this possibility but now that I'm hearing it from someone else, I just can't bring myself to believe it. Believing it would mean that I left everything behind; that I left Jules for nothing. He can't be right.

"Are you absolutely certain?" My mind is reeling with what he's told me. I can't decipher whether or not he's telling me the truth, though I suppose he has no reason to lie now.

"I may have fucked you over before, but, Derick, I wouldn't lie about this now."

"But why would she do this?"

"I don't know, Derick. I've been asking the same thing since she told me he wasn't mine either. I was there when he was born. Held him, rocked him, changed him, and then I find out that he's not mine. I screwed you over and I can never apologize enough to you for that. My only defense is that I did love her. I loved her right up until the very moment she ripped my heart out by telling me that Connor wasn't my son."

"She told me you got tested and that it was negative before she sought me out to do the same."

"We did get tested. I insisted on it and surprisingly, she went along with it. But when the results came in and she showed me that he wasn't—"

"Wait! _She_ showed _you_ the results? You never got your own?" This all sounds too familiar.

"Yeah. Some mess up at the lab and my results went to her address." That lying bitch!

"You need to call Russ." I think I know how this story is going to end.

"Why would I call him?"

"Look, I'll never understand why you betrayed me, but if what you just told me is true and that she lied to me in the most fucked up possible way, there's a chance that she lied to you too." He looks at me questioningly. "Call it coincidence, but my results mistakenly got delivered to her too. My hearing is tomorrow and if they confirm what you just told me, there's every chance that Connor is your son." The possibility lights up his face.

"Why would you want to help me after what I did to you?"

"I'm not helping you. I'm helping Connor. Ann has gone too far this time. That little boy deserves better, even if it's not me." He makes himself a little more comfortable and takes a sip from his glass.

"How did we get here? Both nearly ruined by the same person that we once loved so much?"

"I have no idea. I definitely never thought I'd be sitting at a bar having a drink with you ever again. But here we are."

"What can I say? She, who fucked us both, is the reason we're sitting here having a drink together." Though his words are true, both literally and figuratively, I just glare at him, and he adds to his statement. "No pun intended."

"Thanks."

"Derick, I want you to know that if it turns out tomorrow that he is yours, I'll be happy for you. You've always been the guy that I thought would make a great father. I always hoped that one day you'd get that chance."

"Setting aside all bullshit, I'd be happy for you too."

"Thanks, man."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sleep is not my friend tonight as I've been lying here for hours staring at either the ceiling or out the window. Ginger knows there's something bothering me and, though she's easily able to doze off, she wakes often to check on me. All the possible scenarios of tomorrow that I've been able to fend off with work have chosen now to clutter my mind and with each, the possible outcome.

If Connor is mine, the fight has just begun and could drag on for months because I know Ann will never give him up willingly. I'll have to stay here in California and, in the end, I may never be able to leave. I'd be at the mercy of the legal system. If he's not mine, which I can't even imagine, I'm free. Free to go back to the life and the woman that I left behind.

Of course the latter sounds more appealing but, once again, it will mean that I had within my grasp something I can't keep. I wanted it all, I was working towards having it all, and just like that... no, I'm not going to think that way. To lose Connor would break my heart, but I'll choose to see the silver lining; if I don't have him, I still have Jules. I'll again and forever have the only woman that's truly belonged to me in exchange for the son that never did.

Julia - 70 Roses

I WAS UP LATE last night packing because, how do you pack for a trip when you're not sure of the duration? I settled with fitting as much as I could into a carry-on sized suitcase so that I wouldn't have to bother with checking any bags. Anything that I forgot or need while I'm there, I can buy.

Because Joanne has moved back into her apartment, she'll be here around ten thirty to pick me up and take me to the airport. I told her it was fine for her to stay here while I'm gone and I figured both her and Rhyse would like that, but she declined. I didn't ask any questions but I get the impression that their relationship is a strange combination of intense and casual. Mr. Carter may have met his match with this one. There's really no need to have anyone here anyway, there's nothing to take care of. I don't even have live plants; just a bucket of roses, seventy to be exact, of which most of them are dead, with the exception of the newest to my collection. Seventy-one will arrive later today, but by that time I'll be on my way to see him instead.

As the time for Joanne to arrive closes in, I become more nervous but also more excited. I can't wait to hold him and kiss his lips which I can still imagine on my mouth and body as if the last time were yesterday. I can't wait to see the look on his face when I tell him that he's going to be a father to our child. But most of all, I can't wait to tell him that anywhere he is, is where I'm meant to be. I'm nothing without his love.

Just the thought that I'll be able to see him in the next twelve hours has me smiling so enormously that I'm almost embarrassed even though I'm alone. I shake my head and laugh at myself when I think of it. I have things to do other than stand here grinning like an idiot. I need to make sure I have my identification and boarding pass and I wanted to check the mail, since I haven't in a couple of days.

It's been so long since I've traveled that I'm finding myself going in circles for the tenth time, checking plugs and such. There is nothing more to do, so I grab my mailbox key and head down to the main floor to do my mail check and to let the doorman know that I will be gone for at least a few days.

I only ever check the mail once a week because there's never anything exciting. Most of it ends up in the recycle bin and the remainder is usually bills. I'm surprised to see that there's a manila envelope among this week's postal bounty. Great! Maybe it's something exciting to pass the time 'til Joanne gets here.

With the mail in hand, I walk over to give my message to the doorman and he in return wishes me a good trip. Then I retrace my steps to return upstairs. I stop and look at the elevator for a moment and consider giving myself a break, but given that this is my last trip up for an undisclosed period of time, I take in a deep breath and start up the stairs.

I start sifting through the mail as I walk, quickly shuffling unimportant things to the back of the stack. Finally, about the time I hit the third floor, I get to the envelope. It has no return address on the front, so I flip it over to see that there isn't one on the back either. I tear at the seam as I walk, 'til I've made a big enough opening to slip my finger in to slide it along and finish the job. Then I reach in with my hand to grab its contents.

I continue to walk up the stairs I've walked thousands of times without paying attention. I've just passed the fifth floor when I pull out what's inside the envelope and look to see what it is. On the top is a handwritten note on a torn piece of paper that says, _He'll never be yours_. When I move the note to see what's beneath it, it's a picture of Derick and Ann. In a bed. Kissing.

My blood pressure rises at what I've just seen and I start to see spots. I'm disoriented and I lose my footing on the next step. I stumble and then feel myself starting to fall, so I grab for the railing, dropping everything in my hands as I flail to grab hold of anything to stop my descent. But my attempts are useless and I go down. My first and only instinct is to protect the baby, so I clutch both my arms to my stomach and I allow myself to fall knowing more damage could be done if try to stop it instead of bracing myself for it.

It's only twelve steps but it seems to take forever to come to a stop and when I do, my head smacks against the floor with all the power of my body's momentum. For a second I know I'm facing up only because I see the glow of the light fixture, but I can't actually make out the fixture itself. Then... it all goes black.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

I'm woken by a sudden feeling of panic. I look around the room and all is as calm as I left it when I drifted off. But there's a digging in my chest telling me something is just not right and I have no clue what that _something_ is. Ginger stirs next to me, but dismisses my behavior and snuggles back into the blanket. I don't even remember falling asleep but I'm sure I didn't dream when I did sleep. This isn't the result of a bad dream. But I'll be damned if I know _what_ is making me feel this way.

It has to be this hearing today and the possibility of what Michael said yesterday that's shaking me up. The whole thing just has me so confused that I don't even know what it is that _I_ want anymore. What do I want to hear today? I don't even know. I just want to get it over and done with so that I can figure it out. I get out of bed and already I can feel the effect of last night's lack of sleep. It's a good thing that Russ is actually doing all the work today, because it's my feeling that I may be completely useless.

I'm still trying to shake off the panic that woke me when I walk into my kitchen to put the coffee on. As I scoop the grounds into the basket my head goes groggy and for a second I'm dizzy. I grab the edge of the counter to steady myself and take deep breaths until I feel my focus coming back. Maybe I'm getting sick, or maybe all _this_ is making me sick. Hell, I don't know. I abandon my coffee to take a shower, hoping the steam can clear my head.

I get out of the shower and pick out a suit proper for the events of the day, then decide that I'll stop and get coffee on the way to Russ' office. A couple of espresso shots should do the deed. Russ and I made plans to drive together to the courthouse so that we could go right back to his office to do whatever paperwork needed to be done to start the next process for custody. After last night, I'm not as sure as I once was that the process will even be necessary, but we'll stick to the plan and if Michael hasn't already tried to get hold of Russ I'll mention it, if needed, after the hearing.

By the time I finally make it to Russ' office, I've got at least a hundred and eighty-five milligrams of caffeine coursing through my veins but my mind is still unfocused. I could climb a freaking mountain in record speed but I can't shake the cloud that's in my head. I hope this disappears when the judge reads the results. Either way it goes, at least I'll have an answer. Right now I'll settle for that alone.

Before we leave, Russ gives me a simple outline of what to expect at the hearing.

"In all actuality it shouldn't take long. All the judge is going to do is read the results, address your request to establish paternity, and make an order. The order is all we need to make our next move."

"Will Ann be there?"

"If she is, it'll be as a spectator. Her presence is not required."

"Good, because I don't want to deal with her today."

"You okay, buddy? You don't seem yourself."

"I didn't sleep well last night and woke up feeling like something is off. I'm hoping that as soon as this is over today, I can get back to normal. No more wondering if he's mine."

"This whole time you've been solid on the fact that he's yours. It was never if, just when. What happened?"

"I ran into Michael last night. He has reason to believe that I'm not Connor's father. Now, I have reason to believe that I'm not either; that maybe Connor's his." I'm not going to tell him everything that Michael told me because in a couple of hours none of that may matter. "I told him to call you."

"Well if it turns out he's not yours I just might take Michael's case for free just so I can nail her ass to the ground. If that bitch gave you a fake test, that's beyond fucked up."

"I know. My head's all messed up. A week ago I was so sure and now... I just don't know what I feel. If he's not mine my life is instantly simplified and I can go back to Jules, but then I lose the son I always wanted."

"Let's just see what happens first. You're making yourself crazy. We'll head on over now and in an hour we'll either have all the answers or more questions."

"Right."

Julia

OUCH. THERE'S PAIN, SO much pain. I can't open my eyes and I can't move. My baby! I can't tell exactly where the pain is coming from because it's everywhere. _Help me. Please, someone help me. Don't let my baby die._

I hear steps. They're coming closer. Then I hear my name.

"Julia! Oh my God, Julia!" It's Joanne! I try but I can't answer her. _Help me Joanne. Help the baby._

When I hear her speak again it's not to me, but she's frantic and is almost yelling to whomever it is.

"I need an ambulance! My friend fell down a flight of stairs. She's bleeding and she's pregnant!" She's getting help. Everything's going to be okay. She's going to save us. She's going to save the baby.

The pain begins to die way and so does my consciousness.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

When the hearing that precedes ours is over, the doors open and the people involved and the spectators file out. Some show signs of happiness, others anger, and the remaining appear to have no reaction at all. I can only imagine that's the group of people I'll fall into at the end of mine.

Russ says to wait for the reading of the test results, but the more I think about it the more I realize that I know what the outcome will be. I think back to the beginning when she first told me about Connor. I felt no connection to him and I knew then that it wasn't right. I couldn't shake the feeling that he wasn't mine and it didn't go away 'til I came back here and made him part of my everyday life. Now, I don't think that feeling went away on its own, I think I pushed it away because I thought _he_ was all I had left.

The bailiff makes the announcement for the next case to enter the courtroom and Russ and I enter. Russ directs me to the front and we file into the counsels' seating to the right. We've been sitting there a few minutes when I hear my mother's voice coming up behind me. I told her that she didn't need to come today but she insisted, stating that she had nowhere better to be 'til four-thirty. She approaches me and leaning as far as she can over the partition she brings me into a hug.

"It's going to be fine honey. _Everything_ is going to be just fine." Her emphasis on the word everything catches my attention and I feel that she knows something I don't.

The three of us are the only people in the room when the bailiff calls the hearing to order and introduces the honorable Judge Morgan. As the judge makes her entrance I can also hear the door behind me open as someone else enters the room. I glance back to see Ann. Why does she have to be here when she already knows what is to be revealed and her role in it all getting this far? She takes a seat in the last row close to the door. No doubt she'll want to escape quickly and without having to be confronted by me once her lies have been revealed. Fuck her! She wants to witness the moment when I lose him and I'm sure this is all part of her perfectly revised plan after it didn't go the way she had hoped. If I didn't have so much more to lose I can't say there's a limit on the pain I would cause her in return for all this, but I do have too much to lose, so much more.

The judge settles in and starts shuffling through the papers in front of her and I hear the door behind me again. I turn to see who it is figuring that anyone that needs to be here already is, but I'm wrong. Michael walks in and quietly sits just a couple of rows behind my mother. Michael and I are nowhere near okay, but this will affect him and I'm glad that he's here.

My focus is pulled back to the front when Judge Morgan starts to speak.

"I see here that we are here to establish parentage for Connor Ray Edmunds?" Russ stands and states our case.

"Yes, your Honor. My client Derick Edmunds believes he is the father of Connor Edmunds. He and Connor, with signed permission of the mother, Ann Edmunds, submitted for paternity testing in the state of Massachusetts. I issued a subpoena for those results and had them delivered to the court."

"Yes. I have them right here. Did you not receive your results, Mr. Edmunds?" I stand to answer her question.

"Your honor, I did."

"Your counsel should have informed you of the option to sign the affidavit which would've easily established the same rights."

"Yes, your Honor, he did. There lies some controversy in the manner of which I received my results. He suggested a more legal approach to clear any confusion." She looks at me through narrow eyes.

"Where there is confusion in a matter so important, I think Mr. Bowman's suggestion is very smart. Are you ready, Mr. Edmunds, to hear the results?" Knowing that my life is about to drastically change for the fourth time in a year and a half, I find my voice and answer her question.

"Yes, your Honor. I am."

With a nod she begins to open the envelope which I know has the only piece of information this hearing is staged to provide. My heart starts to beat faster and my palms to twitch. She reads over it silently and then looks up at me with sympathy in her eyes and it's then that I know for absolute certain what she's going to say.

"Derick Edmunds, in the question of paternity regarding Connor Ray Edmunds, the DNA test results conclude that there is a zero percent chance that he is your son." I hear a gasp from my mother and the door from the rear of the room. When I turn to see who has either entered or exited the room, I notice that Ann is gone. The judge starts to speak again and my attention is brought back to her. "I'm sorry if those were not the words you hoped to hear, Mr. Edmunds, but there is no longer any confusion. Do you have any questions?" I don't have any questions that she'd be able to answer.

"No, your Honor. Thank you." She nods and lifts her gavel.

"Very well then. In the case of Derick Edmunds' petition to establish parentage of Connor Ray Edmunds, the court hereby finds that you are not the biological father and will enter that finding into record." And with those words the gavel meets its base with a loud crack.

Russ turns to me and I can tell that he doesn't know what to say. _I told you so_ doesn't sound the same coming from a grown man and I know he knows what this meant to me. My mother reaches for me and hugs me close to her.

"I'm so sorry, Derick. But it'll be okay. I promise." Again, her positivity makes me feel like she knows something she's not telling me, but maybe it's something I'm not meant to understand just yet.

"I know it will."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Russ offers to take me out for lunch and a drink, but I decline telling him that I'll catch a ride with my mom to get my car.

"Don't wait 'til your next legal issue to give me a call, Derick. Are you going to stay here in California for a while?" I'm not stuck here anymore. I can leave just as quickly as I came, meaning, I can be back to Jules in a few days. Just the thought of her brings back the panic I felt this morning. I need to get back to her as soon as possible.

"Probably not. In fact, I doubt I'll make it to the weekend. I've got my girl back in Boston and I've already been gone too long."

"I understand. Good luck." He extends his hand for a handshake but pulls me in for a hug.

Exiting the courtroom, Michael is still in his seat. As Russ and I walk by I stop to talk to him because I know why he's still here and what my negative results mean for him.

"Michael, you're going to need this guy right here," I say, while motioning to Russ. "This time he's out for blood. It's payback time."

"Thank you, Derick." It's all he says because words between us are still not easy. I extend my hand because it's all I can really offer him right now. Michael being Connor's father means that the affair between Ann and him was going on long before I found out and that betrayal may take more than one night at a bar to mend.

"Good luck. Take care of him." He nods and I walk away.

Once out in the car with my mother, I take out my phone and power it on. I need to call Jules. I need to tell her I'm coming back as soon as I can.

As soon as I hit her name on the screen my mother must notice what I'm doing and her demeanor changes.

"Who are you calling, Derick honey?"

"Jules. I want to let her know what happened and that I'm coming back." Her voice mail picks up after the first ring. That's odd, it's about two there. Is this the sort of thing I want to say over a voice mail? No, but if I just hang up and she sees that I called and didn't leave a message, she's going to worry. I think quick of what to say before her voice is gone and I hear the beep. "Jules, it's me. I hoped I'd catch you, but for now I just want to say that soon everything will be right again. I'll call you later. I love you." I hang up.

"She didn't answer?"

"No. I'll try again in a while."

"I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason why she didn't answer. She's probably very busy." My mother is acting weird.

"Actually, I think her phone is off, but it's the middle of the day." With that her weirdness over this conversation rises at least three levels.

"Oh well, maybe she's somewhere where she can't have it on." She says as she focuses on the road. She knows something.

"What's going on? All the comments this morning about _everything will be okay soon_ and now you're acting weird about why Jules isn't answering her phone. What do you know that I don't?"

"Don't be silly, Derick. What could _I_ possibly know?"

"You've talked to her haven't you? Is she okay? Mom, please."

"She's fine. Look, I promised I wouldn't tell."

"Tell what?"

"She's on a plane, Derick, and I'm picking her up today, okay? She's on a plane, flying here and that's why she can't answer her phone." Cracked like a nut.

"When?" I can't help the excitement I'm getting from my mother's poorly kept secret.

"She's supposed to land a few minutes after five."

"And her surprise will be met with another when I'm the one who shows up to get her."

Derick

ALL OF THE MORNING'S events have been forgotten when my mother tells me that Jules is coming here today. All I can think about is holding her, kissing her, making love to her, and irrevocably promising that nothing will ever come between us again. From this day forward absolutely nothing is more important than her. She is my forever.

Unfortunately, I still feel as though something is off and that Jules is, somehow, not okay but I shake it off and allow the joy of her visit to push the notion to the back of my mind. In just a few hours I'll see with my own two eyes that she's as perfect as she's always been and that what I was sensing was most likely brought on by my own insecurities and guilt. In less than three hours this prince will have his princess back.

Three hours isn't much time at all, but when you're excited for what's to come, it seems like forever. I use the time to start making a list of things I need to do in preparation for the move back to Boston. I don't know how long Jules plans on staying here but when she leaves, I'm going too. I'm never leaving her side again.

My first call is to my realtor in Boston to see what can be done about the loft and then to my landlord here to tell him I'll be gone by the end of the month. At some point I also need to call Frank to see if my job is still available and to ask if he'll take me back. I can't say I'm so sure he will and his reasons, although more personal than business, make sense. I hurt someone he cares about and if I were him, I don't think I'd be so quick to set up the possibility of it happening again either. It's okay though. Whatever happens, I will deal with it and make it work.

I've managed to kill enough time and decide to leave a little early because there's something I need to stop and pick up. I can't go and pick up the love of my life without roses in hand, although she doesn't know _I'm_ picking her up at all. The big question is how many to get. There are so many things I want them to mean. Three for I love her, six for I've missed her, fifteen for I'm sorry, or twenty-four for the hours in a day, every day since I left, that she's been on my mind? Or do I keep it simple and get her one single rose and tell her the rest of those things myself, with words?

I decide on one rose because she deserves more after all this time. She deserves to hear me say every word and I want so much to say each word carefully and clearly because I mean them more than I've meant any I've ever spoken in my entire life.

After stopping to get her rose I go on to the airport. Santa Barbara's airport is pretty simple in comparison to Logan Airport in Boston. There're only twenty or so flights either arriving or departing every day. From the gates there's pretty much only two ways out either by way of an escalator or an elevator. Knowing my Jules, she's not going to take the elevator so that means I'll be waiting at the bottom of the escalator to sweep her off her feet.

I park and walk into the main terminal and check the arrival boards for her flight status. It shows _on time_ which means she'll be landing in about ten minutes. I pace back and forth waiting for the minutes to pass then, after what seems like way more than ten, I check the monitor again to see that the flight status has changed to landed.

In just moments she'll be in front of me, my princess. I stand there as moments go by and so many people come down the escalator, but not my Jules. After the large crowd of people thins out, I begin to think that maybe I just missed her and start to walk towards the baggage claim area to find the carousel for her flight. I weave through the waiting passengers and look closely at each one thinking that maybe she's changed since I left. I receive a lot of odd looks but not one is from the face I seek.

That panic I felt earlier starts to creep back in and I try to think. Call her. Maybe she's turned her phone back on. I dial and wait and I get her voice mail. The room is starting to spin but I have to get my bearings. She's here, I just have to find her.

I go to the courtesy phone and ask them to page her and wait as I hear her name spoken over the speaker. Minutes go by and the person on the other end of the phone tells me that no one responded and offers her apology. Desperate, I go to the ticketing counter to see if I can find out if she was even on the plane. Of course I get the person who appears to _love_ her job the most. I'm not greeted with a smile and don't attempt to give one back because I'm just not in that kind of mood.

"Ma'am, I need to know if someone was on a flight. I'm here to pick her up and can't find her." With the attitude I expected, our exchange starts.

"Did you try to call her, sir?"

"Yes and she hasn't turned her phone on yet. Could you please just look?"

"I can't do that, sir. Airline policy. Sorry. Have a nice day."

"Please. Her name is Julia Morreau. M-O-R-R-E-A-U. I just need to know if she boarded. Nothing else."

I get that look of someone who wants to tell me to stop wasting her time, which she does say, but not in so many words.

"I told you, sir. I. Can't."

Frustrated, I ignore her words and break down in front of her.

"Look, this woman is the most important person in my life and I haven't been able to shake the feeling all day that something is wrong. I lost the boy I thought was my son today and seeing her is the only thing that's kept me going. Please. Just tell me if she was on the flight. I won't ask for anything else." Her demeanor changes a little and she starts typing. I've made her pity me, but right now I don't care.

"Mrs. Morreau never boarded, sir, and before you ask me if I'm sure, yes I'm sure. I'm sorry, sir." The absence of her attitude didn't last long, but long enough to get the answer I needed. She's not here. She never left Boston.

Julia

I HEAR BEEPS. _BEEP, beep, beep._ I still can't open my eyes but the pain has lessened. All I can hear is _beep, beep, beep,_ and voices I don't know. I fight to open my eyes so I can see what's going on around me. I want to speak but that too feels impossible. I just hear the _beep, beep, beep_.

I'm alive, but what about my baby? I start to panic and the beeps get faster and faster and then the voices louder and closer. I try so hard but I can't make out what they're saying. Then the beeps slow down and I stop trying to figure out what's going on. Then, I fade away.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

After stepping away from the counter I take out my phone not knowing who I should call first, my mother or Frank. I know my mother knows nothing more than I do at this point, so I dial Frank's cell number. I don't have time right now to dial the office and get the run around. I need to talk to him now. I'd planned to talk to him about my job but, unfortunately, the nature of my call has taken an unexpected turn. So when he answers, I waste no time with cordial salutations.

"Frank, it's Derick. Where is Julia? Is she okay?"

"Derick, she's in the hospital. There's been an accident." My heart nearly falls from my chest. I knew something was wrong. All day I felt it and I ignored it because I wasn't able to pinpoint what it was.

"Which hospital?"

"Massachusetts General. It's not good, Derick." It almost sounds like he's going to cry.

"I'm on the next plane out." Having no time to waste, I hang up and go back up to the airline counter and it's just my luck that I'd get the same girl from minutes ago and she looks at me with the same distaste.

"How can I help you this time, sir?"

"I need the next flight to Boston."

"I have one that leaves in an hour."

"I'll take it." I hand her my driver's license and credit card.

After typing in my information and asking for my seat preference she hands me back my credit card and ID, then my boarding pass.

"Your flight is departing from gate five and will begin boarding in twenty-five minutes. I hope everything's okay, Mr. Edmunds."

I have no idea why she's decided to be nice all of a sudden but she reminds me of the waitress in the restaurant Jules and I went to just a couple of days before Christmas. Jules understood that not everybody has reasons to be happy and instead of putting the girl down, she left words of encouragement. I see that now is my chance to follow in the footsteps of the woman I need desperately to get to.

"Whatever it is, it'll get better. I'm not talking about me right now. Just smile a little more and smiles will come back at you. Thank you for all your help."

"Have a good flight, Mr. Edmunds," she smiles. In light of all the things going through my mind, I can't help but smile back. I then step away and make my way towards the escalator and to my gate.

Frank's words echo in my mind and my heart feels heavy with the guilt of not being there for her. I have no clue what happened or if there was anything I could've done to stop it, but I should've been there to try. I have to make it there and make sure she doesn't leave me. I'm finally making my way back to her, I can't lose her now—not this way.

I call my mother to fill her in on what's happened and what I know, which is next to nothing, and tell her that I'm waiting for my flight to Boston. She agrees that I need to get there as soon as I can and says that she'll go pick up Ginger and take her to her house until I return.

"Give Julia our love, Son."

"I will as well as every ounce I have as long as she stays with me."

When they make the boarding call I'm one of the first to board. Partly because I'm in first-class, but more because I need to feel like I'm making progress; like I'm getting closer to being where I need to be. When the stewardess asks me if I want anything to drink, I order a brandy on the rocks. With a little more than seven hours of flight time and layover ahead, I need a little something to take the edge off. I need to be rested and ready to focus every bit of strength I have on Jules.

After the layover in San Francisco and another brandy, I somehow manage to doze off. Probably a direct result of the combination of events from the day that has my mind so overloaded that I can hardly think straight. Surprisingly, I don't dream either and I'm startled by the loud _ding_ of the seatbelt sign being activated and the announcement of our approach into Logan Airport.

Seeing that I'm awake, the stewardess offers me a cup of Dunkin coffee and I gladly accept. I look at my watch and accounting for the time change, I see it's just after five a.m. I'm glad I slept because I have a feeling that I'm in for a long day.

When it's time to exit the plane, I'm up and off without hesitation. I have somewhere I need to be and needn't take any longer than necessary to get there. As I'm making my way through the airport I'm contemplating whether to take the train or a cab. I decide on the cab because at this time on a Saturday the roads should be pretty clear and the train stops will do nothing but irritate me.

The whole way there I'm praying that I'm not too late. The words, _it's not good_ , playing in my mind. She needs my strength and with every second I'm getting closer to being able to give it to her. I'll give her every ounce that I have because there's no use in me having any at all if I don't have her.

I exit the cab and upon entering the hospital look for an information counter to get her room number. I'm greeted by an older woman who probably volunteers her time and her smile is one of the friendliest and most welcoming I've ever seen. I spell out Jules' name and she types it into the computer.

"She's in Blake 12 Intensive Care Unit." She points to the left and I see the sign showing me where I need to go.

I thank her and start in that direction. The farther I walk and the closer I get to her, the more my nerves grow as I realize I'm unsure of what I'm about to see. I'm trying not to focus on Frank's words, instead I keep my mind on just seeing _her_ again. Of course, in a hospital with unknown injuries was not where I envisioned our reunion happening.

When I finally find my way to the counter at Blake 12, I give Jules' name and the nurse gives me the room number. It's not a huge floor so finding room seventy-two isn't difficult but when I get to the door and see her last name written on the board by the door it all becomes real.

The door isn't closed all the way but not open far enough for me to see her, so I gently push it open and walk in, returning the door to its previous state. She's lying there with a bandage around her head, IVs in her arms and there are so many different monitors that I can't decipher what each one is for. Amidst all the sounds each machine makes, she's sleeping soundly and has not been stirred by my entry.

I go to her side and look down at her. I missed looking at her so much; seeing her beautiful face. Dammit! I never should have left her. If I hadn't, maybe she wouldn't be here now. I pull over the chair so that I can sit close to her then I pick up her hand and squeeze it in mine.

"Jules, I'm here and this time I'm not going anywhere." I hold back my tears because I don't even know if she can hear me but if she can and she opens her eyes to see me, I don't want her to see me crying. The beeping sound coming from one of the machines she's hooked up to starts going faster and faster. My heart follows suit because I don't know what's happening.

A nurse comes into the room and goes directly to the machine, checking its reading and pushing buttons, then turns to Jules and sees me sitting there. She doesn't acknowledge me right away but continues her work, injecting something into her IV, and in less than a minute Jules' heart rate slows. I just keep holding her hand because I don't know what else to do. Once satisfied that Jules is okay, the nurse turns to me.

"You have some effect on her. That's a good sign. I assume you're close?"

"I was... I mean, I am her fiancé." I corrected myself for fear that I may be asked to leave if I'm not family. Fiancé is close enough to family. That earns me a scrutinizing look and I feel like I need to say more to prove that I'm telling the truth. "I was away and came back as soon as I heard. How is she? Is she going to be okay?"

"She should recover. She took a nasty hit to the head which caused some bleeding and shock. She's in a coma-like state but she's breathing on her own. The doctor thinks she'll have a full recovery. She's strong and so is the baby. They're both going to come out of this just fine. You're a lucky man."

I'm trying to wrap my head around what she's just said. Baby? I can't act like I didn't know because then she'd call my bluff, so I go along with it.

"Never luckier than in this moment."

When the nurse leaves the room, I just sit there processing what I've just learned. Jules is pregnant and she didn't tell me. She told me she couldn't have children. Was that why she was coming to see me? We've been apart for more than two and a half months but there is not one doubt in my mind that it's mine. Not one.

I haven't let go of her hand since I got here and I won't 'til she's awake. She needs me more than ever. They both need me. I hesitate for a moment but with my other hand, I bring it to rest over her belly. Through all the blankets it's hard to tell the difference, but I can feel that her stomach is not as flat as it was when I left and it's then that the thought that I almost lost them both brings tears to my eyes. It doesn't matter that I didn't know about the baby because I would have known eventually. The fact is, I left them. Did she know she was pregnant when she made me go? I really hope that she didn't.

I don't hold the tears any longer. I let them flow while I hold her hand and touch the place where my child, _our_ child, holds on to life. I cry for the fact that I left her while she carried my child and I cry for all the time I lost. I cry and I plead for them to return to me.

"Jules you can't leave me. I won't let you go, not without a fight. It's not just you anymore. It's us, all three of us. There's no way I could go on without you." I kiss her hand, and rest my head where my lips meet her skin, then I pray that she hears all the words I've said.

I doze off and I'm jolted awake up by the feeling of my phone vibrating in my pocket. Never letting go of her hand, I retrieve my phone and see that it's my mother calling. I feel guilty and selfish, but I can't talk to her now. I don't know enough and don't have the energy to explain what I've learned. I let it go to voice mail. Among other things that have to be dealt with, I'm going to leave the explanations for later.

Derick

IN THE TWELVE OR more hours I've been here, there has been no change. Like the princess in sleeping beauty, she lies peacefully with no signs of waking up. It's silly really, but looking at her I can't help but think that if I kissed her, would she wake up? After all, she is my princess and although I've done a shitty job of it lately, I'm her prince.

The nurse stops in a few times to check all the machines, and every time she tells me I should take a walk to stretch my legs and get something to eat, but I refuse. I won't ever leave her again. If I hadn't gone in the first place, maybe this wouldn't have happened. I would've been here to protect her and maybe she wouldn't be fighting for hers and our child's life.

During one of the nurse's visits, I ask what all the monitors are for. It was mostly to distract her from trying to get me to leave, but there are so many and I'm genuinely curious as to what they all do. She points to each one and tells me its purpose but I become particularly intrigued when she gets to the last one.

"This one is tracking your baby's heart and monitoring contractions." My baby's heart? I'm sure that Jules has heard it before and I can't help but think that maybe if she heard it now, it might help her come out of this. I think I need to hear it too.

"Can I hear it? Is it possible?"

"Sure," she says with a smile and presses a couple of buttons and turns a dial until I can hear the swishing thump of our baby's heart. It's strong and quick. I have no idea how it's supposed to sound like but if I had to guess, it's perfect.

"Is it good?"

"It's very good." I listen in awe to the beat of our baby's heart.

"Do you hear that Jules? That's our baby. She's just fine. Now it's your turn."

Through the night I doze on and off, never letting go of her hand for any longer than I have to. I will be the first she sees when she wakes up.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sunday, I finally give in to going for a walk to get a cup of coffee. Nurse's order. She said she'd have me kicked out if I didn't take a break. With the consequences clearly stated, I told her I'd go but not before giving her my cell number and demanding that I be called if anything at all changed. She agreed to my terms and I conceded to her order. I got my coffee, stretched my legs, and used the time to call my mother and give her an update.

Coming back to the room after about half an hour, I see Jules has other visitors. Joanne, who I know from Miljone, and a man I've never seen. I don't hesitate to enter the room, but when I'm noticed by Joanne, I'm not prepared to be met by a woman with fury emanating from every part of her being and it's all focused at me. She approaches and comes face to face with me.

"What the fuck are you doing here? You fucking did this to her! I told her to go to you and this is what you do!" I have no idea what she's talking about.

"Joanne! I have no idea what this is about! Why would you think I could cause this?"

"She saw the pictures, Derick! And I saw the pictures when I found her barely holding onto life in the stairwell."

"What pictures? I don't understand."

"Pictures of you and some blonde. Don't play dumb with me. Do you know how she waited? Every day, collecting and counting your roses. She never let go of you. She was on her way to see you because she loved you and thought you loved her too." She shakes her head. "You need to leave."

"Look, I have no clue what you're talking about. I do love her. That's why I'm here. She's carrying my child and no matter what you think, that's a fact. I've sat back for too long letting other people tell me what to do and I'm done! I am exactly where I belong and I will be 'til she wakes up. Thanks for being her friend, but this is not up for discussion. I'm not leaving. Are we clear?"

She looks back at me with detest and is not willing to step down just yet. She grabs her purse and shoves something at me. I take the papers and rearrange them so that I can see what she's talking about. They're photos of Ann and me, in her bed. My memory takes only milliseconds to recognize the setting.

"Not that I feel the _need_ to explain anything to you, but I can. Believe it or not, my ex-wife, in some ridiculous attempt to get me back, drugged me. I woke up the next morning with no recollection of what happened and I can only imagine that she had taken these then. Who sent them? Do you have the envelope?"

"Yes." She reaches into her purse again, then hands the envelope to me. I know as soon as I see the handwriting. It's Ann's.

"Ann sent this." I say pointing at the handwriting of the addressee knowingly. "Truth is, I can't say that nothing happened with her because I don't know, but I can say that never, for one second, was it ever my intention for this," I point to the photo, "to happen. I didn't go back to rekindle anything with Ann. I went to take care of the boy I thought was my son. I swear, I counted every day 'til I could come back to her," I point to Jules, "and no one else." What I'm not saying aloud is that if Jules and my baby don't make it, I'll kill Ann myself for what she's done.

Joanne just stares at me for a moment, then she retreats and falls into the arms of the man who was never more than a step away behind her.

"I believe you. I don't know why, but I do."

"I would never—"

"I know, Derick," she interrupts by putting her hand up to quiet me. "I think Julia knows that too. So, you obviously know about..."

"The baby? I do. Jules is going to make it out of this. She has to. Not for me, but for our child. There's no way she'll let this one go without a fight." Joanne gives me a look knowing that Jules has told me about all she's already lost and nods in agreement to what I've said.

Joanne turns away from me and goes to Jules' side. She kisses her on her forehead and whispers something that I can't hear into her ear. Then she grabs the hand of the man I've yet to be introduced to and moves towards the door.

"No one else knows about the pictures. I believe you, Derick, but I'm not the one you have to convince and beg for forgiveness. If I were you, I'd start begging now and hope to God that she can hear you." I nod at her suggestion because I know she's right.

Joanne leaves with the stranger and I'm again alone and ready to beg, plead, and sign away my soul if it means Jules can hear what I say. I resume my spot beside her bed, one hand taking hold of hers and the other placed over her slightly swollen belly.

"My mind never, for one second, thought of anything but coming back to you. All this time I'd been planning and I wanted to bring Connor with me, so we could be a family, but destiny had a different plan. Connor isn't my son. He never was. Ann was playing a game to either get me back or to get back at me, I have no clue for what, but she used that little boy. Jules, I can't tell you those photos were faked, because I don't remember one moment of that night. But I never wanted her for one second. I only ever wanted you."

Not knowing what else I can say, I just sit there, as I have for many hours, with my lips on her hand and my other hand protectively covering our child. Only a few moments have passed when I feel her squeeze my hand. It's weak but she's definitely squeezing my hand, there's no question.

When she releases, I squeeze hers back just a little and within seconds I feel her squeezing mine again. We have communication. She knows I'm here and I call the nurse to tell her what's happening. She comes and checks the readings on the many machines and jots down her findings, then turns to me and smiles.

"I'll let the doctor know. It looks like _you_ were just what she needed. Soul mates tend to have that effect on each other." She smiles at me and winks as she tries to leave the room, but I stop her.

"Don't think you're going to blackmail me again into leaving. I'm here 'til she wakes up. Got it?" She just laughs at me.

"Got it." And she leaves the room.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I just keep talking to Jules; telling her everything that's happened over the time we've been apart. I know I may have to say it all again later but every few minutes I give her hand a squeeze to see if she's still with me and to see if I get one back. Without fail, I get one back every time. It's still weak but better than nothing.

When the doctor comes to check on her, he validates what I'm experiencing and his prognosis is that she could wake fully any day. He tells me that there's a lot of power in love and to keep letting her know just how much she has waiting for her. I can definitely do that.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It's been two days since our squeezing game began. She's still responsive but hasn't actually awakened. Not yet. I keep talking to her and I read to her from an app on my phone to pass the time. It's as I'm reading that, out of the corner of my eye, I see her move. At first, I think I've imagined it, but it happens again and then she tries to speak.

"D?" It's faint but identifiable. I set my phone down and move closer, squeezing her hand and holding the pressure steady. "D?"

"Jules, I'm here, baby."

"Baby?" she whispers.

"The baby's okay. She's strong like you."

"She?" I laugh with tears in my eyes because she's comprehending everything I'm saying to her and, in true Jules fashion, questioning everything as well.

"I don't actually know if it's a girl, sweetie. It just came out. But I don't care whether it's a son or a daughter as long as it has your green eyes." Jules hasn't actually opened her eyes yet, but her eyelids twitch as though she's trying. Now that I've mentioned it, I find myself longing to look into the green eyes I've just spoken of. But her next question reminds me that not only are her green eyes one of her most beautiful physical characteristics, but a name someone once gave her.

"Henry?"

"I know and I'm so sorry, Jules. I should've came home then. I know you miss him." She starts to whimper. "But I'm here now and I'm never leaving again."

Derick

OVER THE NEXT TWENTY-FOUR hours our conversations consist of very few words and she still doesn't open her eyes. Oh how I long to see those eyes. She asks about the baby every time she becomes conscious and I assure her that everything is okay. I repeat some of the things I told her before she regained consciousness and most of her responses are "I know," indicating that she heard all that I said. She's slowly but surely coming back to me and it's as we're talking one night that my prayers are finally answered.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia

Though I'm still shrouded in darkness because opening my eyes seems impossible, I'm glad to have my mind back. It's slow, but it's there. I hear everything Derick says to me and respond the best I can. I want to tell him that I know he never meant to hurt me, but I want to be able to look in his eyes when I do.

It's while we're talking late this evening that I really try to open my eyes, willing mind over matter to make it happen. But after days of no exposure to light, as soon as a sliver of it is seen, it's just too much. Derick sees my struggle and reaches over to turn off the light over my bed so that the only light in the room is coming from the other side and it's dimmed. Once we're emerged in near darkness I try again, blinking repeatedly to adjust and gain focus.

When I finally get it, I turn to look at him. He's blurry at first but starts to come into better focus with every blink. He should probably call the nurses to tell them that I'm fully awake but he doesn't and I'm glad. I want this moment with him as much as he wants it with me. Nothing can take this from me, not without my consent.

Slowly I lift my hand to his face, rubbing the days of growth that have resulted in a short beard.

"You look sexy with a beard." He laughs. Of all the things I could say to him, I tell him I think his unshaved face is sexy. Though my mind is still a little slow, he picks right up and plays along.

"Yeah? Well, I kind of dig those sexy PJ's you have that're open in the back. Do you think they come in red? Red is your sexy color." I try to laugh, but then I can't keep the tears from welling up in my eyes. He sees them immediately. "What's wrong, baby? Everything's going to be okay now. Please don't cry."

"I'm so sorry."

"For what? You have nothing to apologize for."

"I made you leave. I didn't tell you about the baby. I was coming to you."

"I know. Mom told me. I was waiting at the airport for you and when you didn't show up, I caught the next flight here." He was waiting for me.

"I couldn't make you choose between us. I came to my senses and decided that you didn't have to. I have no one left here. I was going to you and we would get through it together."

"We did get through it together. You were always there. In here," he points to his head, "and in here." He takes my hand, the one he's been holding for days, and places it on his heart.

"You were always in my heart too. Always on my mind. Your roses every day reminded me. I knew you still loved me." He smiles but quickly goes serious.

"Jules, about the photos—"

"Don't. You already explained. I heard you talking to me. I've been in and out, but I've had days to process it. I believe you. You don't have to say anymore."

"I do have one more thing to say." I look at him with wonder. "I love you, Julia Morreau."

"I love you, Derick Edmunds."

He stands and bends over me and touches his lips to mine. Just like the first time we touched, there are sparks. I missed his touch so much and though he's being gentle with me, it's perfect. He pulls back to look into my eyes.

"As selfish as I want to be with you, we should probably let the doctors in on your surprise."

"One more kiss first? Please." He won't deny me.

"I thought you'd never ask."

As his lips touch mine again, other parts of me start to come alive. I can't help but want to feel him touching me. I want him to re-mark every piece of my skin with his. It's been too long and as soon as it's possible I need him to satisfy the emptiness that has existed since the night I said goodbye.

When he pulls away from my lips he stops for a second and places a quick peck on my nose.

"I missed that nose and everything else attached to it."

"I missed you too."

"I'm going to go tell the nurses that you're awake. Don't go anywhere."

"I won't." I'm so happy to be awake and alive. But I'm happier that my baby is okay and that I have Derick by my side. Everything that was put into motion months ago has finally found its way back to us but with certain twists and turns, it stands to offer us much more than we ever expected. While Derick's out of the room, I close my eyes to rest for a moment. I do it trepidatiously for fear that they won't open again, but as soon as I hear Derick and the nurse enter the room my fear is laid to rest.

"Well hello there, Julia." I recognize her voice. She's been my nurse a few times now.

"Nina?" I think that's right. She looks at me surprised.

"How did you know that?" she asks.

"Your voice. I remember it. I've heard Derick say your name."

"Very good. How do you feel?"

"Stiff. A little pain in my head but not too bad."

"That's good. I'll let the doctor know and he'll be in shortly." She writes down notes and numbers from the many machines and leaves the room.

I notice Derick typing on his phone and not two seconds later it chimes.

"Who's that?"

"My mom. I haven't talked to her much in the last few days. I was letting her know that you're awake and beautiful as ever."

"Right. Especially with this fancy headpiece here." I softly touch my head.

"Fancy headpiece or not, I think it's the pregnant glow they talk about, now that you have some color back in your cheeks."

"Do you think it's a girl? You said _she_ a lot when you talked about the baby."

"What do you think it is?" Of course he answers my question with a question.

"I don't know, but if I had to guess, I think it's a girl too. After what's she's already been through, she's going to be a badass girl." We both laugh.

"She's going to be the most perfect precious rose I've ever given you."

"Is that your choice of name?" I won't tell him yet, but I love it.

"One little Rose. There's no denying it'll be love at first sight."

"True. I'd be perfectly okay if she was the last rose you ever give me."

"Definitely not! She won't be the last. So if it's a girl, her name will be Rose?"

"Yes. I think it's suitable, don't you?"

"I do." He pulls down my blanket and leans over so that he's right over my belly and then he kisses it softly. "I love you and our little Rose so much. Right now, I'm the luckiest man ever."

"Luck has nothing to do with it. We were brought together by destiny and kept together by angels." He looks up at me knowing exactly which angels I speak of, all four of them, my family and Henry.

Julia - 80 Roses

DR. DOUGLAS KEPT ME in the hospital a few more days for monitoring. My head is healing nicely and every day it seems to be less painful. The doctor says that sometimes when you suffer a trauma your body will go into a preservation mode which can take on the characteristics of a coma. It's likely that because of my pregnancy, my body knew it needed to heal quickly and didn't want me fighting it.

Derick, finally satisfied that I'm awake and okay, left the hospital to shower and change clothes, which meant shopping since he showed up totally empty handed. The doctor officially signed my release form this morning after my obstetrician came to visit me and said everything with the baby was just fine. Dr. Stewart did an ultrasound and Derick got to see our little rosebud for the first time.

It was almost more amazing to see the look on his face as he watched the screen than it was to watch it for myself. Derick asked if there was any way to see the sex yet, he's very set that it's a little girl, and Dr. Stewart told him that we were about a month too early for that. He frowned in disappointment for a second but went right back to watching the screen and his face immediately lit up again.

I suggested he call a cab to take us home, but in his over protectiveness, he revealed that he brought my car back with him the other day so that he could drive us home. I can just imagine how the rest of this pregnancy is going to go. I'll be lucky to do anything on my own, but then again, that's the beauty of being with someone; you don't _have_ to do anything on your own.

When we get home I can tell Joanne had been there because there's a pile of roses on the table instead of in front of the door and a note that says,

_You're up to eighty this morning. Does this guy ever stop? (Hi, Derick)_ _I stocked your fridge with the essentials including a bucket of butter pecan in the freezer. I'll be by later. Love ya, Sis. P.S. NO STAIRS!_

Derick's reading over my shoulder and when I laugh at the end, he doesn't find it as funny. I'm not sure if it was the crack about the roses or the stairs that got him, but I just turn and plant a kiss on his cheek and he snaps out of it.

"I'm going in to talk to Frank tomorrow. I'm hoping he'll give me my job back." Uh oh. I don't know if Frank offered it to Joanne yet. No worries, I have an idea.

"I want you to know that, when I planned to go to Santa Barbara to see you, I was open to the possibility of never coming back here. If you have to be there for your boy—" _Shit_ , I remember just now what he told me about the hearing. "I'm sorry." He pulls me closer and kisses my head.

"It's okay. It wasn't meant to be. And I don't want to move back there. That is my old life, this is my life now. With this little one," he touches my stomach, "we'll be taking trips there all the time to visit. I want to stay here, where it all began for us."

"Okay."

He turns me to face him. "We have one more thing to discuss. I didn't have time to make it all romantic and I don't even have the ring with me, but this time I'm not asking if you will, because I never believed we were over. I'm asking when. I want to marry you as soon as possible. I can't wait any longer. There are no more secrets to tear us apart and I want you to be my wife before Rose is born." I can't help the tears. I'm hormonal and the happiest I've ever been, which in girl code, brings on tears.

"I don't want to wait any longer to make _you_ my husband. Name the date."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

When she says _name the date_ , I do a quick calculation in my head. Resorting to my old MO, I have a plan.

"May thirtieth." It's a Friday, but I couldn't care less because there's a motive behind my plan.

"Okay, but I want something small, Derick. Frank, Joanne, and your family. A ceremony and dinner. Simple okay?"

"I've got this. All you have to do is show up."

"My dress won't fit anymore."

"Then get a new one."

"You have an answer for everything don't you?"

"I do." I lean in and kiss her and though I'm careful not to cause her head any discomfort, this kiss is not as soft and tender as they have been the last few days. This kiss is hungry and will lead to more. She's not stopping me and she's not backing away, that's my cue that she wants and needs this as much as I do.

When I move my hand to find her breast, she moans into my mouth and I'm instantly hard.

"I won't last long," I say without leaving her mouth.

"Neither will I." And she moves us in the direction of the bedroom.

The rest of the day is spent reclaiming each other's bodies. I'm careful not to hurt her, but she doesn't seem to be in any pain at all. I'm lost in tasting her and touching her; learning what this pregnancy has done to her senses and how it intensifies everything. Knowing that it feels so amazing for her makes it even more amazing for me. We just want more and more until both of us fall exhausted and then Jules declares that the baby is hungry, so I go to the kitchen to get us a snack, but also to bring her rose for the day. Carrying it and a plate of fresh fruit back to the bedroom I think, the only thing that can possibly make any of this more perfect would be to call her my wife and that day is only nineteen roses away.

Julia - 98 Roses

I'M AWAKENED WITH A kiss on my belly followed by one on my nose, both delivered by the man that, in a few hours, will be my husband. He's glowing with what this day means for us and seeing him this way has my heart bursting with more joy than I could've ever imagined.

He still hasn't given me any details about where the ceremony will be, but promises that I'll approve and that he kept it small, as I asked. I really don't care what he's done because preparing all of this has made him so happy. If he's happy, I'm happy.

"What can I fix you for breakfast, baby?" he says speaking into my belly that has grown a little more in the last couple of weeks.

"Are you asking me or the rosebud? I would settle for toast with jelly and my mint tea, but this one," I say pointing to my belly, "wants hash-browns and eggs."

"Hash-browns and eggs it is," he says bouncing off the bed.

"Hey! So that's how it is now? She's not even here yet and already you're spoiling her?"

"Ha!" he laughs. "I sure am, but I've come to notice that whenever you say _she_ wants something, it's really what _you_ want and I'll give you whatever you want, especially on your wedding day."

"Have I made it that obvious? Hiding my secret desires behind the baby?"

"You have, but I think it's cute. I'll spoil you both for the rest of your lives. Your wish is my command."

"Tell me where the wedding is."

"Nope. Anything but that." He pops back onto the bed to kiss me, then he's off to the kitchen.

"What time is it at? I kind of _need_ to know that!" I yell so that he hears me from the kitchen as I crawl out of the bed and walk down the hall wrapped in a sheet.

"High noon." he answers with a hungry grin on his face as he appreciates my ensemble.

"Thanks for the notice. Noon is less than four hours away!"

"About two hundred and thirty-three minutes to be exact. Why don't you hop in the shower while I'm cooking before I change my mind and start eating you." I turn and start back towards the bedroom.

"You're impossible."

"You're gorgeous." God I've missed this and only now that I have it back, can I truly appreciate these moments.

"You're forgiven."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When I emerge from the shower, I notice the bedroom door is closed and I hear voices. I listen for a minute and recognizing them, I grab my robe and go out to greet them.

I barely make it down the hall before I'm wrapped in Liz's arms. She squeezes me so tight that I almost can't breathe but I don't complain. I've missed her so much.

Right behind her is Carrie and as soon as Liz lets me go I'm engulfed in her arms. When all the hugs are done, Derick, who has been grinning from ear to ear the whole time, speaks up from the kitchen.

"Breakfast is ready girls and I need to go. Dad's waiting downstairs." I notice he's thrown on some sweats.

"Where are you going?" I ask totally lost.

"Part of the surprise. Mom and Carrie know the plan and are here to help you get ready. I'll see you there. High noon." He kisses me and as he's walking out the door, stops to pick up a gym bag. "Love you."

"Love you too." He's having too much fun with this and that makes it all okay.

The girls and I eat the breakfast he made and I get bombarded with questions about the baby. How I've been feeling, when exactly I'm due, if we have names picked out, and the biggest one, how it happened. In the beginning, I told Derick it couldn't happen, so I had to fess up to my little lie, but because Derick had told them about my past, they understood.

They went on to help me with my hair and getting dressed, then at eleven thirty, Carrie's phone chimes with a message.

"Okay, girls. It's time to go. Julia, you look stunning," Carrie says and Liz agrees with a nod and a tearful smile.

"I feel like a princess. Thank you both so much."

"You're family already, but let's go make it official, Julia. Are you ready, dear?" Liz asks.

"Let's go find my prince."

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Carrie is driving and maneuvers down Exeter Street, then makes a left on Boylston Street. She's clearly been coached on where to go and is doing very well in Boston traffic. We don't go far though and she pulls into a parking spot near the main Boylston Street entrance to Public Garden.

"We're here. Derick said that you'd know where to go from here," Carrie says, and she's right.

"I know right where to go."

We exit the car and start walking into the park, following the path that will take me to my prince. No sooner than I can see my bench, I see my golden furred friend, Ginger, running towards me and just past her I see my prince waiting. I want to run to him, but don't want anything to ruin this day. I keep it slow and steady and as I approach him I see everything I'll ever need again in the man waiting for me.

Derick

WITHOUT ANY COAXING AT all, as soon as Ginger sees Jules she takes off towards her. I stand there marveling at the sight of this woman that, in mere moments, will be my wife. As she gets closer her smile gets bigger and her eyes more green with the tears that fill them. She comes to stop in front of me and I extend my hand to take hers.

"You found me," I say smiling at her.

"As soon as Carrie stopped, I knew where you'd be."

Everyone gathers around us. The guest list was kept to those she mentioned with the exception of the stranger with Joanne, who has now been formally introduced to me as Jules' neighbor, Rhyse, and a minister I hired to conduct the ceremony.

"Are you ready?"

"Yes." She smiles and it's the most beautiful sight in the world.

I nod to the minister and he asks everyone to take their places. Joanne falls in next to Jules as well as Carrie and I have Tim and Frank next to me. My parents stand close by and Rhyse has volunteered to take photos.

I hear the minister as he speaks but I'm so centered on Jules and the moment when I get to say my vows and take her as my wife.

"Derick, please recite your vows to Julia." Here goes. I reach around to Tim for the rose he's been holding and turn back to Jules.

"Jules. In such a short time, we've been through so much, but it's time to put all of that behind us. When I went back to California, I wanted to keep a way of communication between us that was special in our relationship all along. I sent you one rose every day; do you remember what one rose means?" She nods. "I hadn't given up yet. You were still my one and only and I wanted you to know that I would never give up on us because _we_ are meant to be together.

"I knew you'd keep them all and going through all the meanings of the number of roses, I realized that eventually, with them, I'd be able say everything that needed to be said. I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry, and for the time being I felt it was okay to say it that way, but I vowed that there was one thing I would say to you myself. I've said the words before and their power has definitely been tested. This rose is number ninety-nine." I hand it to her and she looks down at it and back up at me.

"What does it mean?" she asks.

"Ninety-nine roses means, _forever_. I never stopped wanting to spend my forever with you, Jules, because you're it for me. This rose is a symbol of a promise. I'm promising you forever, Jules. I love you."

"I love you."

"Julia, have you written any vows?" the minister asks her.

"Not really, but I do have something to say." He nods for her to go ahead. "Derick. Letting you go was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I thought since I'd already had my chance once before that it was selfish to try to keep you. I thought I was doing what was best for you, and it turns out it wasn't what was best for either of us. We needed each other and because of me, we've both struggled alone. I want you to know that I collected and counted each rose and, you're right, I kept every one. They marked my days and reminded me that you hadn't given up. I just want to say that I'm so sorry it took me so long to be strong enough to go to you. I'm sorry for every weakness. I'm sorry for every secret. I want to spend my forever with you. I love you so much." Her tears have spilt over and I reach over to wipe them away with my thumb.

The minister, seeing that our vows are completed, moves on. "Do you have the rings?" he asks.

"Yes," we say together.

"Derick. Do you take Julia Renee Morreau as your wife? To love, honor, and cherish, in sickness and in health, for the rest of your lives?"

"I do," I say, never breaking contact with her eyes. I respond without any hesitation and I slip my grandmother's ring onto her finger. It's now hers until she passes it down again.

"Julia. Do you take Derick Allen Edmunds as your husband? To love, honor, and cherish, in sickness and in health, for the rest of your lives?"

"I do." She was nodding her head before he had even finished the question with her glossed over green eyes completely focused on mine. She places the ring she chose for me on my finger and smiles once it's in place.

"Then it is within the power, vested in me by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, to declare you husband and wife. Derick, you may kiss your bride."

I take her face in my hands a press my lips to hers. She pulls me close as if she's afraid to let go and kisses me back. Everyone is clapping behind us but in this moment it's just the two of us. We don't care that people are watching but in the middle of our kiss Jules jumps and releases my lips.

"What is it, babe? What's wrong?" My words are laced with concern.

She smiles and takes my hand then places it on the side of her belly and after a few seconds, I feel it. A tiny thump from our little rosebud.

"Was that?" She nods then presses her smiling lips to mine again.

In this moment, I finally have everything I've ever wanted.

Julia - Seven months later

OF COURSE DERICK WENT back to Miljone and Frank gave him his position back after I told him I was stepping down. I expected my pregnancy to be hard, but came through with no issues at all and delivered Rose Delavie Edmunds on October ninth. Until then I continued to consult for Miljone, but after Rose was born, I quit completely to stay home with her. I've just started my own editing business working mostly with independent authors and I absolutely love it. It means I never have to leave my little girl, but I also get to keep doing what I love.

### ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Are you ready Jules?" Derick calls from downstairs.

"Almost!"

It's Christmas Eve and I'm bundling up our little Rose as warm as I can for our outing. Today we're going to introduce her to four very important people. She's so little at eleven weeks old and I fuss over her way too much. Derick and I both agree we're going to be those crazy overprotective parents and we're both okay with that.

Finally, happy that she'll be warm enough for a few minutes outside, I pick her up and head downstairs. Derick has already started the car and has her bag ready as well as this year's ornaments for the kids and the poinsettia for Alex. I check my pocket once more for the key that Henry left me and we're on our way.

The drive is a little longer since we moved to Wellesley. We bought the house just before Rose was born. Ginger needed a yard and one day Rose will too. It was time to leave the place where I couldn't imagine raising a family because I have a family again. I sold the condo for three times what I paid for it, which put us in a good position even after buying the house. Derick teases that it was my birthday present since we actually got the keys _on_ my birthday. It's nice not to have to worry about parking anymore and Derick's commute to work isn't horrible with Wellesley Square Station so close, plus it gave me the opportunity to start my new venture.

Derick's learned his way around and how to drive more like a Bostonian. Coming from California, he was in for rude awakenings but he's getting it down. When we finally make it to the cemetery, Rose is fast asleep. Derick grabs the bags and I get her then we walk to the gate. Looking to make sure no one is in sight, I insert the key into the gate lock and it works.

"Thank you, Henry," I whisper into the air and we enter without any trouble.

First, we go to see Alex and the kids. I know that with having Rose out here that we can't stay long but it's important to me to make these introductions. Derick and I walk to the plots and I do the honors.

"Merry Christmas, Toby, Katie, and Alex. You already know Derick, but I have someone new to introduce to you. Katie and Toby, this is Rose, your little sister. I wish you were here to know her, but I promise that she'll always feel like she knows you because I'll tell her all I can about you. Please watch over her, be _her_ angels now." I hate that I feel little guilty that she's here and they are not. But she will never replace them, never. It was never about replacing, but growing and living.

"This year, I got you ornaments that say, _Big Brother_ for you, Toby, and _Big Sister_ for you, Katie. I can't wait to share everything I can with her so that she knows how wonderful you both were."

I look to the place where Alex rests between them. "Alex, I miss you so much, but Derick takes good care of me. I continue to be spoiled and loved; a standard you set very high. I'm okay now. I still don't pretend to understand why, even after all this time, but I think I have found my purpose." I look down at Rose, who is sleeping, and then up at Derick.

I do what has become tradition and place a kiss with my hand on each of the three stones and before I leave them, I whisper, "You're always with me. Right here." I place my hand over my heart.

We make our way to Henry and, as he said he would be, I find him next to his love, Emily.

"Rose, this is your uncle Henry. He promised me that everything would work out and it did. For that and his friendship, I will always be indebted. You were right, Henry, love did prevail. You're a wise man." I get close enough so that I can leave a kiss on the left side of his stone, then I grab Derick's hand and we turn to leave. Once again, it's just the three of us.

I stop and hand the baby to Derick, then stand back for a moment to admire them together. He has never looked more handsome than when he's holding _our_ Rose. It's amazing to think that just over a year ago, we met as two broken people and found within us the power to mend each other. That power has given us more than I ever believed possible. Rose is a reminder that a part of us flourishes and grows because of what we've overcome. She's our little miracle, constantly _blooming with love_.

I've felt pain and loss and I've lived in darkness and despair. Not every day is easy, but it's easier when you have love and someone to light your way. Who says you only get one chance? Just open your heart and your chances are infinite.

### The End

Completing this series has truly been a testament of what you can do when you have passion, a word that I now think is undervalued. Besides the feelings I have for my family, I've never felt all consuming passion like this before. From the very moment I started this journey, I never questioned that I would see it to its end, unlike everything else I've ever set out to do.

It all started with a night of insomnia, my mind on full speed while my body lay exhausted. My mind began to wander and it conjured up unfathomable scenarios. They wouldn't stop and sleep would not win against them, so I grabbed my iPad and attempted to write the thoughts out of my head. A couple of hours later and with tears rolling down my face, I had three chapters. The damage was done, the seed had been planted. I realized then, that this was a story I had to finish.

The characters, my friends, took over my head. I saw what they saw, I felt what they felt, I cried with them, I laughed with them. I experienced their insecurities, as well as, their need. In so many ways, I became them and they became me.

It wasn't always easy, in fact, there were moments when it seemed impossible and I considered myself crazy (which is sort of a prerequisite for writers) for even trying. But for every time I felt nearly defeated, my need to persevere grew even stronger. I spent more late nights working, did more research, and pushed myself beyond my limits. It was way too late to stop, there would be no turning back. I had to give Derick, Julia, and myself what we deserved.

I would see this through for every person who thought I couldn't as much as for all who knew I could. I would do it for the angels looking down on me, as well as, for my family who stayed supportive while my story stole their time. But most of all, I did it for me. I did it to prove that after waiting thirty-eight years to give my dream a chance, I _would_ make it come true.

It's never too late to try. It's never too late to believe in yourself. It's never too late to embrace your passion.

So many have contributed to this series and of those many, there are some that may have no clue just how much. Every Facebook page like, every post share, every Twitter and Instagram follower, and every website visitor, _you_ have made a difference. Every reader and every reviewer, _you_ have made a difference. Whether we've ever had interaction or not, you have all helped me in unmeasurable ways, and for that I can't thank you enough.

Thanks to Jen from Just One More Page Book Blog and Promotions for giving me amazing advice in the beginning when I had no clue of what I was doing when it came to book promotion. She offered herself as a beta and it's easy for me to say that her insights helped to make my story better. She's just one of those people that treats everyone with kindness and since breaking into this Indie world is so hard, meeting a person like her made it a little easier. Here's to a long lasting professional and personal relationship. <https://www.facebook.com/1morepage/?fref=ts>

Daniella, my dear. I freaking love you! It didn't take long for me to realize that I needed help in the editing department, but I didn't know who to go to or if I could afford it. Lucky for me, Jen brought us together. You were the last ingredient needed to make my story flawless; you polished her up and made her shine. One day, I'm going to hug the crap out of you. And don't forget, I owe you and expensive dinner and drinks. We're going to make that happen. http://primaeditingproofreading.weebly.com

Barbara, my Boston expert, my beta, my Aunt Barbara. For me, who has never lived in Boston, to write about Boston, was, as you put it, a bold move. I wanted to live in Boston so bad, but had to settle for living vicariously through Julia and Derick. You can research 'til your hearts content, but there are just some things only a native can tell you. Your expertise was priceless and likely kept me from messing up a lot of information. It also gave us a special bond, starting with our love for books and ending in one beautiful story. Thank you so much for all your help.

Alizabeth, my photographer, my daughter. You are so very talented and because of that talent, I now have three beautiful covers. I hope you never lose you're your passion for taking pictures, or for taking pictures for my covers.

A special thanks to Mary W. and Elizabeth R. for playing along with my name the man-slut contest and bringing Rhyse Carter to life. I seriously think him and Joanne may need their own story, so I don't believe you've seen the last of him.

Daisy, the talent behind a logo that fits me so perfectly. I made no mistake when I sought out Mr. K for my logo design. Your youth and your innocence made working with you an amazing experience because you were insightful but kept what I wanted in mind. You have a bright future and I would love to work with you again.

Kim and Tom, for dealing with mine and Alizabeth's pickiness when it came to the photo. You hung in there and I am so proud of this beautiful cover. Thanks for the... hands.

I'm worried sick about forgetting someone so if I didn't mention you specifically, but you're reading this, it means you have been with me this whole time and journeyed with me the happy ending. What you've done by doing just that means so much and my gratitude runs deep and eternal. Without all of you, my readers, my fans, my constant supporters, I would struggle for the strength to keep going. As much for you as myself, I want to.

Thank you!

Other books by Mareta L. Miller

### The Ninety-Nine Roses Series:

### Telling Me with Roses

### Stemming from Secrets

### Blooming with Love

### Fighting for us

### Jack

### Whiskey

### Love & Jury Duty

### Holding the Wild Card

### Contributed work to the charity Anthology:

### Vegas Strong

### Paperbacks available from Mareta L. Miller directly @

### Maretalmiller.com

### Follow me on instagram, twitter, & Goodreads

### @MaretaLMiller

### Please visit me on Facebook @ <https://www.facebook.com/maretalmiller>

### If you enjoyed this book, please write a review.

### Your opinion could help another decide to read my work.

### Thank you for taking your time to read my work.

