Yo Tony, check this guy out.
What’s up bro?
This is... this is the fastest guy I’ve
ever fuckin’ seen in my entire life, what’s
- look at this guy. He’s so fast!
Why does he run so fast?
I think… I think he does it for us.
[music box jingle]
Hey, uh, so the weirdest thing just happened.
Like, I just got the weirdest email of my
life, and the weirdest thing about it
is that it was sent from my account, so let me
just go ahead and read it. I genuinely do
not know what’s going on here.
So, the subject is just “THIS IS SONIC”
all caps, and then what it says is:
Hello, I am Sonic. I am the human hedgehod.
We must learn to protect the environment against
egg power. I am the real Sonic, do not try
to find me. I will kill you and your beautiful
cousin. I am, I run faster than you. I am
HEDHOD. I genuinely do not know why this person
is threatening me, uh, I’m really worried.
Okay, bye.
Hello, it’s time to talk about Sonic, that
sweet powerful hog.
Eric, where does Sonic the hedgehog come from?
Where does Sonic come from?
Yeah.
How would I explain that? That’s like. I
mean, you’d hav- Okay, first of all you
have to understand the inadvertent effects
of the post-war administration and the new deal.
How is an icon created, you might be asking?
Well, I’m about to delve into the strange
and emotional world of Sonic the Hedgehog.
Sonic is a simple manhog. He wears little
sneakers and gallops through the zones like
a most buoyant horse, his hooves clopping
down onto the little televisions strewn across
the hills, collecting his rings, much like
I collect likes and disdain online, or rare
and crumpled pictures of cows. Just really
good cow pictures.
Yes, he smashes the televisions with his hooves
in a daring protest of the BBC bias, and he
collects rings as a symbol of unity and loyalty.
A symbol of solidarity, for Sonic is engaged
perpetually in the act of selfless commitment
to the greater good. He is a charitable hog.
Also, he just likes the jangling sound that
happens when he walks around with a huge Ikea
bag full of rings. I mean, what greater delight
is there?
And that’s when Fukuyama said, the end of
history, which in many ways is the “gotta
go fast” of political theory, if you don’t
really understand “gotta go fast” or you
understand it pretty well, but you don’t
really understand why you’ve gotta go fast.
So we know that Sonic is, in his own way,
both an activist and a runner - but what is
a Sonic, really? What's going on in Sonic's
little mind? What's is his ideology?
The truth, I'm afraid, is that Sonic is a
fascist.
No, no, no, no, that's not it, no. Ugh. It's
not always about fascism! Okay, it’s not
always fascism. Jesus!
Sonic is known primarily for his royal blue
colouring, and his insistence on and commitment
to high speeds, we all know this. But what
is it that lies behind his compulsion for
quickness? What compels this sensitive little
man-hog to be so fast?
To answer that question, we have to go back
to the origins of Sonic. Sonic was born to
a woman named Matilda, who worked as an aeroplane
engineer during the war when she became pregnant
by her husband, Reginald the Hedgehog. Just
to be clear, Matilda is a human woman who
married a Hedgehog man. It's a bit like Bee
Movie... but, umm... Hedgehog Movie. Hedgehog
Movie.
Netflix please let me make a touching melodrama
about Sonic’s dad named “Hedgehog Movie”.
Thank you, please, I'm begging you. Begging.
It was perfectly acceptable in those days
to wed a hedgehog, and, not to get too political
in this video, but in my opinion the restrictions
on person-hedgehog marriages in effect today do create
a hostile climate of hedgehog prejudice, or
as I like to call it, hedge-udice.
And obviously Jung talked about shadow, but
that’s the shadow of the self, not Shadow
the Hedgehog.
[whispering] Shadow...
But despite the inter-species controversy
surrounding the family, Sonic loved his human
mother. Yes her smooth, prickless form was
alarming at first for the young hog, but it
gave him an early understanding of diversity
and tolerance. Instead of thick, blue quills,
his mother had soft, delicate hair, and thus
Sonic first learned of the gentle beauty present
in the world. The slow, lilting pace of things,
the gentle sway of branches in the breeze
- these things defined Sonic’s early years.
Years of rest and cautious wonder. His father
would smoke his pipe on the veranda, watching
the sunset and telling old, winding stories.
He was a slow, considered man, and a figure
of inspiration for little Sonic. But day by
day, Reginald the Hedgehog seemed to become
slower and slower. Months went by, and soon
enough he barely moved at all. Towards the
end, he would watch The Big Bang Theory every
day, and when Sonic would say hello or goodnight,
his father would reply simply and quietly,
“bazoinga”.
Reginald died of slowness disease on the 21st
of March, 1987. On that day Sonic vowed to
go fast. As fast as he could. For his father.
[singing] I’m blue for you, Sonic, and when
you see me go, there’s only one thing you
need to know
‘Cause everything’s goin’ fast, Sonic
the Hedgehog
Sonic became known as a fast and determined
hog in the following years. We all know of
his duels with the egg man, also known as
robo-knickers because of his preference
for metal underwear, but what do we know of
his inner life? I spoke to some friends of
Sonic to gain a little insight into this fast
boy.
Three words to describe Sonic the Hedgehog?
Hot sexy and buff, right?
We used to hang out a lot, um, and, ooh, like,
I dunno how to describe him. Um, he’s…
y’know, he, he presents himself in his actions
and not his words. I think that is like, very
apparent and was so clear to me even as a
kid, because he can really dance. He like,
spins around, he puts wheels in motion, and
it’s so, um… I hope I’m not blushing.
It’s just… he… y’know, he’s sweet.
I just… Shadow’s always… he’s always
overlooked, and I just think he’s… you
know when he said, “I’m Shadow, the hedgehog”?
I felt that, y’know? That really means something
to me.
Sonic, he’s too good for this world. He’s
too good for us. [crying] Sonic - he can really
move. Sonic - he’s got an attitude. Sonic
- he’s the fastest thing aliiiiiiiiiiive
[loud crying]
Any time I would reach out and touch his wheely
hands, I kind of, um…
May have been a s- he was quiet, and now…
sorry, can we stop? ‘Cause I… he may have
been a skateboard… is… is all, um.
Brands are people, people are brands, I’m
still gonna say he was lovely. And I think
that’s still accurate, like I still think
you can put me in this video.
I remember a time when I was ten years old,
and I had just gotten a Nintendo Gamecube
for my birthday, with a copy of Pokémon Colosseum.
Flex.
And uh, for all intents and purposes, things
were going quite good, but I had some problems.
Some, uh, some dark, ten year old boy problems.
That sounds strange, we’ll continue.
And no matter what I did, I could never seem
to outrun these problems. Never knew what
the answers were to these problems.
That was until one night. Whilst, uh, tossing
and turning in bed for what felt like days,
though mathematically speaking that’s probably
impossible, I heard my bedroom door creak.
I tried to ignore, ‘cause I thought it was
Jurassic Park rules. I thought if I don’t
move, whatever it is can’t see me. Not the
case.
And then, my bedroom started to brighten up
a bit so I presumed the door was widening.
And, uh, widening it was. Cause at this point,
there was a presence in my room. Um, and then
the next thing I felt was… this thing on
my leg. It moved from my lower leg slowly,
and sensually up my thigh - which was a bit
suspect now that I think about it, so let’s not.
So I turn around, I turn over, and, he
is just staring at me. The blue blur himself,
Sonic the Hedgehog, and all he does, he leans
in towards me, to my young, supple, ten year
old ears, and he whispers, “gotta go fast”.
Now, did that allow me to run away from my
problems with this new gained boost of speed?
No.
Because the problems weren’t physical. What
a twist.
However, did it leave me able to do this?
[ding noise]
Yeah.
Also, I don’t know if there’s time for
this, but… Knuckles the Echidna, from the
acclaimed Sonic the Hedgehog franchise is
able to glide by trapping air underneath his
dreadlocks, and if you have a so-called best
friend that can’t do that, they’re unworthy.
And that’s just the truth.
So, um, I was on the internet, and I was just,
y’know, having a good time typing in the
word Sonic, and I got all of these images.
What are these? What, what is this?
[increasingly panicked] What are you? What’s going on?
WHAT ARE YOU?
[screams]
So it seems that, despite it all, Sonic the Hedgehog has
touched many lives. Perhaps his quickness
was influenced by many things: the
slow loss of his father, a vigour and determination
for his friends and small baby animals, the
endless encouragement of his friend Tails,
and the impressive and cool tails of his friend
Tails, and also probably he saw a really inspiring
Minions meme on Facebook one time, but what
we can say for sure is this:
when Sonic said “gotta go fast” - he meant
emotionally.
Regardless of circumstances, Sonic's resilience
spurs him on even today, and even after everything he's
been through, he has still... gotta go fast.
Thank you Sonic.
[whispering] oh god
And he would be super quiet, but, y’know,
I think that’s because his actions just
spoke louder. And it’s not like the Sonic
you see in movies or games or TV, y’know,
it’s, it’s… it’s, it’s…
it’s moving, y’know, he moves, um, in
a way that you wouldn’t expect.
Sonic here, and if you see a religious cult,
or a flood of zombies, just say no!
What voice is this? Who am I?
[vocalising]
Come on boys [harmonised singing]
I can’t hold that forever… I did it this
time!
[singing] Sonic’s my dad, Sonic’s my dad,
Sonic’s my dad, Sonic is now, he is now
my dad
Sonic’s my dad, Sonic’s my dad, Sonic’s
my dad, Sonic is now, he is now my dad
Sonic’s my dad now, he is now my dad
Sonic’s my dad now, he is now my dad
Sonic’s my dad now, he is my dad now
[coughing and spluttering]
Please don’t unsubscribe.
And any time I would like, reach out and touch
his like, wheely, um [laughs]
Hang on [laughing]
I hate this. Hate it.
[quiet laughing]
Okay [laughs]
[music box jingle]
