 
Sequence of Events

by Winona Wendy Joy

Published on Smashwords  
by  Western Grebe Publishing

Copyright 2017 Winona Wendy Joy

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for buying this ebook. It is licensed for your personal enjoyment and may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you want to share this book, please purchase another copy to share. If you're reading this book and didn't buy it, please buy a copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Table of Contents

Chapter One  
Chapter Two  
Chapter Three  
Chapter Four  
Chapter Five  
Chapter Six  
Chapter Seven  
Chapter Eight  
Chapter Nine  
Chapter Ten  
Chapter Eleven  
Chapter Twelve  
Chapter Thirteen  
Chapter Fourteen  
Chapter Fifteen  
Chapter Sixteen  
Chapter Seventeen  
Chapter Eighteen  
About the Author
Chapter One

APRIL AND JULIE

Both girls were having a riot, because their mother and father had left them alone for the very first time in their lives. Their parents would only be gone for a couple of hours, though.

Julie decided to take the lead, even though April was the oldest. April was much slower and much nicer than Julie. Julie thought.

"Let's go to Mother's room and find out what she's kept hidden all these years, okay?" Julie asked.

"Honestly, Julie, I don't think we should," April said, "Haven't you ever heard of respecting someone's privacy?"

"Certainly, but this is our only chance to see what they're keeping from us. Mother always says that her room is off limits, and I'm tired of wondering what she's hiding up there. Let's go, April."

Racing through the house to their parent's room, sure enough, the door was locked as usual. Julie wouldn't give up so easily, though. She ran back through the kitchen and out the back door to where she could view her parent's bedroom windows. "Good," she said. "One's open just a crack."

Remembering the aluminum ladder in the garage, she ran and got it. April now stood on the back steps, waiting to see what her sister was going to do next.

April yelled, "You better not go through that window, and I mean it. If you do, I'm gona tell on you, Julie!"

Julie proceeded to climb up the ladder until she was even with the open window. Then, she could see a stick was against the sash of the window, placed there to keep the window from opening all the way. It was easy removing the screen. She carried it down the ladder and laid it against the house. Scampering back up the ladder to the window, she opened it a little more until it hit the stick. She reached in, keeping her body sideways. Since she was much thinner when she turned sideways, she twisted and leaned in to reach the stick. Practically laying horizontal, reaching as far as possible, she actually touched the stick; but she couldn't get it out of the window sill.

Backing down the ladder, Julie jumped to the ground, ran around the yard until she found a sturdy twig from one of the fruit trees. Now, back up the ladder, trying again, she pried the stick out from the sill with the twig; and the stick flew out of the window and across the room onto the floor. She scrambled through the open window and jumped inside onto the carpet. Loud knocking sounded on the bedroom door, alerting Julie that her sister wanted inside.

Sure, now that she had done all the work of getting into their parent's bedroom, April wanted in.

"Are you going to tell them if I let you in?" Julie asked. "You better not, or I won't let you in."

"No, no, of course, I won't tell. Now open the door, Julie, please. I promise."

Julie opened the door, and April bolted into the room.

"I have to go put everything back, just in case they come home," Julie said. "I don't want to alert them to what we've done. Then, if we hear them drive up, all we have to do is lock the door and get out."

April shook her head up and down to signify 'okay'. While Julie was gone, she decided to look around, remembering she and her sister had only been in this room a handful of times. There on the dresser was Mother's jewelry box. Walking over to it, April opened it; and gazing at the dazzling rings, bracelets, and necklaces, she remembered each time Mother had put them on. She and Julie were envious of her wearing the jewels and thought her very beautiful.

Upon Julie entering and noticing what April was doing, Julie announced, "Let's not touch anything if we can help it, and most of all, if we do touch anything, let's put it back exactly as it was."

"Okay, I will."

The first thing Julie wanted to see was the closet. Moving into that small room, she noticed the extent and quality of her parents' clothes. Some so fine, she thought they must have cost hundreds of dollars. Her father's suits were hand tailored, made just for him, they were expensive and in the best style and taste.

Julie thought, I'm not interested in clothes. The clothes can't be why this room is off limits to us. Whatever it is, it's in this closet. Must be in a box, trunk, or the desk. Probably some secret papers. There are plenty of boxes, two trunks, and loose files in the closet. A large old desk is out in the main part of the bedroom. I'll look in that too after I look in here.

April, trying on some of the diamonds, looked in the mirror and yelled, "Come look at me; I have on mother's jewels."

"I'm busy doing what I came in here to do. You have fun dressing up while I get down to business and see why it is that we're hardly ever allowed in this room."

She thought, I'm being sarcastic, even a little bad about it, but April can be so dumb sometimes. April's seventeen so she could be the leader, but her personality doesn't allow her to take the lead at all. I'm only sixteen, and I'm far more savvy for my age than even Mother. But not Father. He's very smart. He can even read me sometimes, which I don't like at all. Oh, here's some legal looking documents.

One was her parents' marriage certificate, MaryElizabeth Henderson and Jake Allen McArthur became husband and wife, this day on June 11, 1996. Julie found her birth certificate and one for April. Then she found another one, a birth certificate for a boy, right underneath the marriage license. He weighed six and a half pounds, was twenty one inches long, and had long narrow feet according to the foot prints on his birth certificate. His name was John Edward Henderson, and he was born in 1992, which was before the birth dates of April and Julie.

Julie yelled, "Come here and see what I found, April."

"No, I'm busy. I'm having fun."

"Well, it's the most important thing you will see today. Get in here, April."

Both girls, looking at the document and exclaimed different points of view.

April wondered out loud, "I wonder where he is and who he is."

Julie said, "It's only obvious that he died in infancy. We never knew him, and he's not here, so he's dead. Do not ask them about it. Just wait till they tell us, okay? Maybe it hurts them too much to talk about his death."

"But, but, I want to know about it now. I can't believe we could have had a brother all this time, and we didn't even know about it. Wow!"

"Well, they'll be home any time now. So take off those diamonds, put them back exactly as they were before we came in here, and then, we gotta get out. I can feel it; they're coming."

Julie quickly put the papers back into the file in the exact order she had found them. She thought to look all over for an extra key to the room before leaving.

"There must be another," she mused. "I know that birth certificate is not the only reason this room is locked up tight. I aim to find out whatever there is to find out."

Before leaving the room, she looked it over as she stood by the door making sure everything was left precisely as it was when they entered. No key was found; even though she found some keys and tried every one of them to see if one of them would fit the lock. No such luck.

Locking up their parents room, leaving it, and going into the kitchen to find food, the sisters sat at the table looking across at one another. April grabbed a banana from the large fruit bowl that was the centerpiece on the family table. Julie took an orange and a napkin. She begin to peel the orange.

With her mouth full of banana, April muttered, "I can't believe they had another child and never mentioned it."

"Well, it could be too painful for them to talk about, you know. I'm not saying one word about it. In the first place, we'll get in big trouble for snooping. In the second place, they will tell us if and when they ever want to tell us. Don't you think?" Julie asked.

"Okay, yes, you're right. I'll keep quiet, I don't want to get in trouble, and I don't want them to think we stooped to breaking into their room either."

Something struck Julie so hard she left her orange half peeled laying on her napkin. She ran through the big living room, into the hall, and then up to her parents' bedroom door. She tried the knob; yes, it was locked. Then, she looked up. Getting a hassock over to the door, she stood up on it. Now, she was tall enough to feel over the top of the door frame. Just as she thought: a key. Trying it in the lock, it worked! Replacing it where it had been, she hurried up and put the hassock back just in time to hear the front door open and then her parents talking to April.

Drat, Julie thought, all this time, it was right there, practically in plain site. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I would have thought of that in the first place, not to mention scraping my leg getting through their bedroom window."

Chapter Two

DISCOVERY

"I don't believe their bedroom was locked up just because of an infant death, April. Lot's of people have children die when the baby is little, and they tell everyone about it. But can you believe no one has ever told us about this little brother we might have had?" Julie asked.

"Yeah, we do have our grandmother, and Mother's sister, Auntie Allegra, either one of them could have told us about him, I think. On Father's side, for some reason, we have never met any of his family, so they couldn't have told us. I wonder why, don't you? Maybe they aren't speaking to Father. He does make it sound like it's his idea though, like he's not speaking to them instead of the other way around. But he did say both his parents were dead. Reminds me of that old poem: Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. Or however that goes."

Julie answered, "I have ideas about that, but I won't get into them with you right now. It does seem suspicious, though. And it sure sounds like someone's trying to deceive everybody or somebody, big time."

Both sisters agreed that the next time their parents left the house together for any length of time, they would again sleuth the room their parents shared. When they got their teeth into an idea, they were indeed like two little blood hounds, especially Julie.

In the interim all seemed just as normal as ever. Julie broached the topic subtly with both parents, but separately, especially on the subject that was most on April's and her mind.

"Mother, didn't you ever want to try for a son? After all, two children with both being girls, seems kind of unfinished to me. In fact, I want a little boy first when I have a family. It just seems like it would be so great for a girl to have an older brother, don't you agree?"

"As you know, Julie, I myself never had a brother. I don't know how that would feel, and I don't know if I ever did want a brother. Being the only child would have suited me just fine. Shows how selfish I was, doesn't it? When I think of it now, I'm glad I have a sister, aren't you? Your Auntie Allegra means the world to me."

"I don't think you were that selfish. Lots of times, April and I wish we were the only child, even as much as we love each other. I think most people are somewhat selfish. Self preservation is the number one action and reaction according to Mr. Johnson our social studies teacher. It would be really lonely without a sister, I agree."

When Julie was outside raking leaves with Father, she brought up the subject to him as well.

"Do you ever wish you had a son, Father? I was just wondering since most men often express that wish. It won't hurt my feelings if you say you do, because it would only be natural, I think."

"Well, Julie, please, never bring this up again to me. It's a very sore subject for me. Try to understand it has nothing to do with you and April. I love you girls more than anything, but having a boy is like creating in one's own image, so to speak. Trust me, that after you were born, your mother didn't want any more children, so now, sadly, we never will."

Julie was thinking, no wonder it's a sore subject for him, if his son died. That must be it. I feel sorry for both my parents.

"Okay, Father, I truly understand and I don't hold anything against you. Thanks for your honesty. I appreciate it. Oh, by the way, there's a movie Mother wants to see playing this weekend at the Paramount Theater. I'm just giving you a heads up, so you can invite her."

"Good idea, Julie, we can all go as a family, you and April haven't been to a movie for a long while, okay with you?"

"No, Father, it's an adults only picture. I think that's why Mother marked a red circle around it in the newspaper. She probably wants a date with just you and herself, not with us girls along."

No sooner had her parents pulled out of the driveway than Julie ran for the foot stool, stood on it, got the key down from the top molding of the out-of-bounds bedroom door, and unlocked it.

April ran to the jewelry box with the diamonds. She began to fix the clasp closed on a flashy necklace, so she could wear it.

"It looks great, April. Will you keep a close look out the window in case they forgot something, okay?" Julie asked.

"Well, okay but I don't want to be the one always looking out the window. Why don't you take a turn?"

"Yeah, I will as soon as I come back, but right now into the closet again for me. I won't be long. There's no window in the closet."

Julie got the file down again with the birth certificates in it and snapped pictures of them with her cell phone. Also, she took pictures of the marriage certificate and other official looking stuff. She wanted to study it all later. Now, was the time for finding more secrets, taking pictures of everything, and leafing through paper after paper. On top of the heap there was only big-ticket item receipts.

There wasn't much until she came to a picture of a young girl all messed up. The young girl had mud on her face and what looked like blood; but since it was a black and white picture, Julie couldn't tell if it was blood or not. There was no smiling, like usually in old pictures, just a terrible sadness. Julie took another picture of it, closer than the first one.

She sure didn't understand one bunch of papers which looked like a police report. She just brushed over everything, snapping pictures of each page. There were three pages all alike. They had a county courthouse emblem at the top of each page. Then, came one page with another bad picture of the little girl and a write up under the picture. Julie didn't have time to read any of it, just clicking away with her cell phone, which, by the way, took excellent clear pictures. I love my cell phone, Julie thought.

Knowing she would study all of it later at her leisure, made her feel good and less hurried.

Then, she took some pictures of Mother's high school graduation diploma and college degree. Anything that looked official, got it's picture snapped. Oddly, there was nothing of Father's papers or pictures of him. Not even his diplomas. Julie guessed he wasn't a saver like Mother.

The sisters got out of there a mere ten minutes before their parents came home. No dinner after the movies, Julie guessed. Just a movie night out and that was it, because it was still early. It was a good thing she had just finished snapping pictures of everything when April yelled, "They're home!"

Later on in her bed, Julie, with a flashlight under the covers, begin to study the documents on her phone. The most intriguing one was the boy's birth certificate. Yes, it did have her mother's name as the mother, but no father was named on the certificate, only the word, Unknown.

I'd better check out the dates, because maybe it was someone else in Mother's family that she was related to, and Mother could have been named after them. Just because it was exactly the same name as Mother's name doesn't mean it was our mother's baby.

Then, Julie studied the date of birth.

Mother would'a been way too young for the baby to be her own child. Tomorrow, I will ask Mother how old she was when April was born and what Mother's birth year was. If I could get a few pertinent dates from Mother, I know I could figure it all out for myself.

Julie thought not to tell April anything, and she wouldn't show her the pictures either, because she couldn't keep a secret at all. Julie could just see April blurting it all out at the dinner table. Julie decided just to do the sleuthing on her own, now, for sure.

Next came the other pictures of the printed documents and the last picture of all.

It is really interesting, because it could be a picture of Mother when she was really young.

Why, oh, why would anybody take a picture of the girl when she was that messed up? There's dirt on her face or maybe it's blood, and streaks that could be tears. It looks like a cut on one cheek too. Maybe it was a car wreck, sure looks like a car wreck. But it still doesn't make any sense, though. Wait a minute, there's a date printed on the bottom of the picture. Funny, if it's Mother, she sure looks young, so young, I can hardly even recognize her.

I will make a time line of all these things to help me put it all together. What happened and when it happened. A list of dates and people. Mother's birth and graduation date, and college, too. Like their marriage license and any certificates, the boy's birth and the picture of the little girl, and the date.

Julie promised herself she'd do it tomorrow. What a puzzle and a mystery. She couldn't make heads or tails of it. But she bet herself she could solve the mystery.

The very next morning, after Father left for work, Julie asked Mother some pertinent questions, trying to be as sly as she possibly could. Mother was real blasé, but she gave a telltale sign Within an hour, her mother said not to disturb her; she was going to go lie down. She insinuated she had a headache and disappeared into her bedroom.

Julie thought she heard the lock click. She went over to the door trying to hear something. Nothing. Then, trying the door knob as quietly as possible, she found it was locked. Julie knew her mother was in the closet, checking if the girls had been in there. Soon, she came out with a relieved look on her face, saying nothing about all the questions.

While asking her mother about the past and the dates that things happened, Julie had been pretending to do her homework and wrote down the dates behind the paper that she was supposed to be working on for school. This way, she could reference her notes back to the pictures she had snapped from her parents locked bedroom closet.

Julie was full of anguish and pain for her mother. She came to realize that as a young girl, her mother was assaulted on a golf course that was located near her childhood home. There was a short police report and her mother's diary. Penciled in the diary were scribbles, drawings, and doodling just like a child would draw.

The police report had written the assault out but not in any detail and not in that many words: A very young girl was out after dark, trying to get some air because her upstairs bedroom was stifling hot on a muggy July night in 1991. She was assaulted by an unknown predator. Police were still in search of said predator.

When Julie had finished reading what was in her mother's diary, for good or bad, she knew the diary was complete. She had snapped all the cell phone pictures of it. She was in shock afterwards and trying, but hardly able, to digest what she had read.

Chapter Three

MARYELIZABETH HENDERSON

This is the Private Diary of:

MaryElizabeth Henderson.

I'm 13 years old now. Do not read. PRIVATE! Keep out, and this means YOU!

I'm only gona tell you, Dear Diary, not no one else, ever! I have no one else.

The windows were all painted shut; it felt like I couldn't get any air in my lungs. I thought, if I could just get outside, then, I could breathe. Sneaking downstairs as quietly as I could, I slipped out the front door, so they wouldn't hear me. Both my parents were sitting in the living room watching television, the sound was quite loud, because Dad was a little hard of hearing. Working as a mechanic around loud machines had taken its toll.

I just thought I'd go outside and hang around the edge of the golf course next to the back yard of our house. There were some dense bushes on the sides of the course where no one would see me, I told myself I would just sit there a little while and then go back inside. I knew Mom and Dad were always late going to bed every night, and I felt safe the front door would remain unlocked until later at night when Dad would go around and check all the doors. Jeeze, I sure didn't want to get caught outdoors during the dark of night by Mom and Dad. I knew they'd kill me.

I just knew I would get a whipping, because sneaking out was never done, not even heard of. Neither my sister nor myself would ever dare. My parents were very safety conscious and stressed to us girls that we should always do whatever they told us, because it was for our own good.

I had been cooling off, sitting there for about ten or fifteen minutes. It was very dark. I heard someone coming along, walking quietly through the grass. I cringed back farther into the bushes. I tried hiding so I wouldn't be seen, but my light colored cotton pajamas must have stood out from the dark shadows of the low hanging branches.

A figure walked right up in front of me and stopped. It cast a shadow over me. I looked up, but my eyes couldn't see who it was. Then, the figure crouched down to my level, and I knew it was a man. He reached out, touching me, and started messing with my clothes. I was afraid and started to yell, but the thought that my parents might hear made me realize I'd be in really big trouble, so I stayed quiet and shut up. I only had my pajamas on, and he easily pulled the bottoms off me, and wedged himself between my legs. Then, terrible, unbearable pain wracked my body to the extent that I passed out. I don't know how long I was blacked out; but I do know that, when I came awake, he was gone.

"Oh, my God," I said, "What just happened, I feel like someone shot a hole right through me, and I feel really ashamed. I didn't do anything, though. Why am I feeling so ashamed? I don't know, but I'm in big trouble now."

I ran back to the house, to the front door, and jerked it open. Right at that moment Mom, was taking a tray of food into the living room from the kitchen for my parents to snack on while they were watching TV, which was their nightly habit. She dropped the tray and screamed. Then, my dad appeared. He took one look at me and ran out the front door.

Mother asked, "What happened MaryElizabeth?"

I was now crying so hard, I couldn't answer her; and then, I slumped to the floor. Mom hurried into the kitchen and called 911, the emergency number.

I heard her say, "My daughter has been attacked. Please, come quickly." I wondered how she knew I had been attacked. My light colored pajama bottom covered in blood must have told her.

The entire night was a complete nightmare, all because I was sweating upstairs in my room and wanted a breath of fresh air. The police came, and the first police woman asked if I needed an ambulance.

"No, I don't think so." That's all I could say. I couldn't really talk much, so the police soon took me to the hospital. I didn't see Daddy come back before we left, so I knew then, he was trying to find the attacker. I hoped he would. Oh God, I hoped he would.

The hospital told my parents I had been raped and torn and that I was definitely a virgin before this night.

The embarrassing hours in the hospital would never be forgotten. I could have died with shame, which had me stymied, since the guy should have felt ashamed for all his life, not me. Even talking to the police was a real tearing of my soul. They were asking me, over and over, what I was doing out there, who was the guy, was it my boyfriend, how long were we together; on and on, the terrible questions came. They treated me like a lying, dirty criminal. I just wanted it to be over and to start the night all over again.

I promised I'd suffer with the heat; I'd never, ever go outside at night again. I would even tell my parents to help me, that it was too hot, that I couldn't get my breath, and that I was feeling like I couldn't breathe.

It felt like my life, as I had known it, was now over, and it was. No more innocent, little girl stuff. Now, I felt like the weight of the world weighed upon my soul. It felt like I would never, ever be happy again. Such a terrible sadness came over me that it was hard to cope. They tried to send me to school the next Monday, telling me to act normal.

Normal, are they crazy? Nothing like normal will ever be me again. It only took that guy less than a few minutes to wreck my life. Oh, if only I knew who he was, I'd kill him, I would do it now, today. I wonder if rapists know what they are really doing. And what for? Just to get off? Wow, what selfish, sick animals they are!

At school that first day after the rape happened, I started crying in the very first period, and then, I just left. I walked home, no one was at home, thank God.

I went back to bed, laying there like a stone the entire day. Then, I heard a door slam and Mom coming up the stairs. She peaked in my room.

"What are you doing home? You have to go to school. You have to act as if nothing has happened to you. Don't you understand, MaryElizabeth? I know it will be hard, honey, but you must. We can't let one little incident ruin your whole life."

One little incident? I can't believe she said little incident!

Mom continued, "Something similar happened to me when I was a girl, and I had to just pretended it didn't happen. If I can do it, so can you, MaryElizabeth."

She never did tell me what really happened to her, even though I asked her a couple of dozen times. She just wouldn't answer directly about exactly what had happened to her.

She did tell me: "As I said, I spaced it out and pretended it didn't happen. In fact, I hardly know any girls that something like this didn't happen to. Accept it, face that it's over, and that you are safe now, and then forget it."

I wonder how Mom could be so callous. Probably to save her own brains. Forget it! She's crazy! The entire scene plays over and over in my mind a hundred times a day. I can't stop them, I don't know how to stop. I can't forget it, not now, not ever.

I did try to go to school and act like nothing had happened. It was impossible, really. A few of the girls asked me what was wrong with me, like had someone died? I should have said, yes, it was me. I died and now I'm dead. I just lied like everyone else I knew. I said that everything was okay, that I must be depressed or something. One of my friends, Jane, even told me: "You'd better snap out of it, or your mother might make you go see a shrink, like my mother did." They even put her on some pills. I must have convinced her at least, that I was fine, because she shut up about depression and therapy. I did wish I was a normal twelve-year-old again. I felt so old, used, and worn out all the time.

Then, all at once, I began throwing up in the mornings, and Mom guessed what was wrong with me. Oh, my God, I was pregnant. It was against the law to have an abortion, so I had no choice. I must have the baby.

Mom and Dad were so upset. Even my sister Allegra was mad at me. They all blamed me for going outside that terrible night. Oh, how I wished I hadn't done it. Now, I'm just twelve and pregnant! I'm so scared. I can't have a baby. I'm too little, how will it come out? Maybe they will have to cut it out of me. So many bad thoughts ran through my mind day and night. Not knowing what was going to happen to me and my baby, made me constantly sick.

I actually asked my mom if she got pregnant when she got raped. She acted like it was something she did that kept her from getting pregnant, but I know she was just lucky. If you can call being raped lucky by any stretch of the imagination. You might call her voice and her words smug. I hated her right then, so much.

So, now, we had to hatch up an excuse for the neighbors and the town as to why I was going away for awhile. We said my grandma needed me to stay with her after some surgery she was going to have done soon. She could barely walk anyway, her hips were hurting. She said she wouldn't lie, so she really did have something done; double hip replacement surgery. It was decided that I'd stay with her for the last month of my pregnancy. Until then I wore really baggy clothes, and I didn't throw up anymore. That part of it was thankfully over.

My life was hell now. I had to be careful where I went, what clothes I wore, and who I talked to. I usually came straight home from school, so that didn't change all that much. Allegra and I hardly had any friends anyway, so no one came over to our house, and we didn't go to anybody's house either. My pregnancy was a well-kept secret.

All went well until the last month, and I was already at Grandma's house. She was bedridden with her hip surgery. I started to have truly bad pains, so I left her to get to the hospital on my own. Mom was supposed to come to take care of Grandma and me. Good thing it was on the weekend, because Allegra could come with Mom. We thought it would be a good thing. I missed Allegra most of all. Before all this trouble, my sister and I had been really close; but me getting raped and pregnant all but tore us apart. Even when she acted mad at me, she could see how scared I was. I think, she felt sorry for me too.

On the road, Mom must have been in the biggest hurry to get to both Grandma and me, because Mom got into a terrible car wreck. Both my sister and Mom were in the same hospital with me. I never did find out who took care of Grandma during those few days that I couldn't walk. Her caregivers were all in the same hospital together. Grandma must have coped somehow. She lived through it all anyway.

It was a miracle Allegra and Mom lived at all, because Allegra was thrown through the windshield, and Mom's legs were both injured badly. They both had massive, serious injuries. Their doctors hardly gave either one of them any hope at first. By the time they became conscious, my baby was already gone.

Mom never did get to see her grandchild. Allegra never saw him either. His birth didn't seem real to either of them, ever, I think. And little wonder that they never talk about him or even wonder about him out loud. It seemed like a painful nightmare for all of us, even for Grandma.

I do wonder though; who adopted him, where he lives, do they love him, how does he look, is he well, is he shaped okay, is he smart and normal minded, but most of all who is his father?

Well, Dear, (with a capital D) Diary, I'm glad that at least you are a good listener for me, so I can spout my pain and the happenings of my life to you. No one in this family wants to hear it, and I'm forbidden to tell anyone else in the whole, wide world about my, (our), secrets.

Thank you. I will write as often as I have to write. You have been the biggest help.

Love, MaryElizabeth Henderson

Chapter Four

AFTERWARD

Julie was dumbfounded by all the information she found hidden in her parents' locked room. She could hardly keep it secret from April much longer. She just had to talk to someone else about all this. Even though Julie felt April wouldn't be able to handle it, the need to talk to just anybody about it overwhelmed the need for secrecy. Besides families with secrets were sick; she had read that recently.

"April, let's go to the park, I want to talk to you away from Mother and the house."

"Okay, wait a minute. I'll be ready as soon as I finish this stupid homework for Social Studies."

"Well, hurry up. I want to go before I change my mind, and then, I might not tell you what I have in mind to share with you."

"Hold on, it'll be just five more minutes."

At the park, sitting on two swings next to one another, Julie began. "April, you know all the stuff I found in Mother and Father's closet?"

April nodded yes in response.

"Well, I have the facts now, and I have it all figured out. Do you want to know what happened?" Without any reply from her sister, Julie went on. "We do have a step-brother and I think he's alive. I have proof mother was raped at a real young age; she had a baby boy that was adopted out as soon as he was born."

April stared at Julie as if she were the man in the moon, not comprehending much of what Julie had just spoken.

Getting off the swings and going over to a grassy place to sit close together in the shade, they were both silent for a space of about five minutes.

Julie dug out her cell phone to show her sister the proof. After looking at numerous pictures that told the story much better than Julie could tell it, April comprehended completely what had happened to their mother in 1991, some four years before she married Father. When they came to the picture of the dirty, disheveled little girl, April stared at it a long time. "Is that mother, do you think?" April asked.

"Yes, I know it's her. Look at this police report. She was a minor, so it's not going to give her name." The report was attached to the picture.

"Julie, I think this is really a copy of a newspaper clipping. Otherwise, on a police report it would have to give her real name or her parents name and address, just to identify the case and facts, I think, don't you?"

"Oh, yes, you're right. It must have been a write up in the newspaper after the assault happened."

Silently, both girls went over and got back on the swings and slowly swung back and forth quietly for a good ten minutes. Both thinking of what to do with this information now that they had it.

Slowly swinging back and forth, April begin to cry. After Julie noticed, she too joined her sister with big tears rolling down her cheeks. Seemingly in unison, crying and swinging, April said, "Poor Mother, I feel so sorry for what happened to her, don't you?"

"Of course I do," Julie answered, speaking through tears. "She must have been heart broken in many ways with no one to talk to about it. Well, if she hadn't made that diary, we'd never have found out much, that's for sure."

Not knowing exactly how to go about asking Mother and Father about the secret, they didn't say anything for the first few weeks after learning of their half-brother. It was a period of nervous apprehension.

If they confided in Father, and he didn't know anything of the rape, they could get Mother in trouble with Father. If they confided in Mother, she would have to bring up all the old pain. Thinking that her daughters knew about the rape would bring her additional new pain. Oh, what a dilemma for the girls.

Julie and April went along as if nothing had happened for an entire year, not knowing what to do with their new found knowledge, all the time going to school, at home, to the movies, and even to a sleepover at the home of a new girl who had befriended them both. They didn't dare to tell anyone what was on their minds. It wasn't hard to keep their secret from peers, but keeping it from Mother and Father was the hardest part.

MaryElizabeth, their mother, mentioned to her husband Jake, their father, that she thought the girls had changed and something was bothering them every since they had been to the park together many months before. It had seemed like they had come back from the park, shaken up. Maybe even red eyed, as if they had been crying; but when asked, they both insisted nothing was wrong.

MaryElizabeth said, "I have been watching them, and they act differently, not their usual selves, they seem worried about something. I wonder what it is. Has something happened?"

Jake responded, "I don't think so, MaryElizabeth, they are just changing because they are teen-age girls. You must remember how that was when you were a teen-ager, don't you?"

"I truly try to forget those terrible years, Jake." She had never shared anything with him that now their daughters knew. Their father had no clue, whatsoever.

Raising his eyebrows up in a sudden curved line, he said, "What was so terrible for you about being a teen-ager, MaryElizabeth?"

Now smiling up at him, she said, "I'd rather forget, if you don't mind. You're right, it must be that they are growing up, and the fact that they are teen-agers has to be overwhelming at times, just as it was for me."

Now, her husband, satisfied with her answer, was no longer curious. He smiled back at her, and gave his wife a kiss on the mouth right there in the living room.

April was excited she would be going on to college this fall. She had graduated high school and was so proud of getting through, if she happened to think about it. For the next two years, she would just go to the community college and finish up out of state for her last two years. April wanted to be in good shape when starting to a new school, so she took up jogging every morning, begging Julie to accompany her, so as not to be too bored running alone.

Julie didn't want to go, saying she was skinny enough. April responded to this with, "You're so lucky, Julie, that means you can eat even more, so why don't you?"

"Why would anybody want to eat more than they need to eat, April?" Julie knew that was a pretty dumb response, because April did that a lot. She could eat an entire box of wheat thins without even sharing one cracker with her sister, which made Julie mad, but also happy that she wasn't as obsessed with food as April always was. Julie could see her sister becoming more and more overweight by choosing a lot of the wrong foods. She smeared way too much butter on hot biscuits, ate cookies by the package, and loved fatty meats and ice cream too. Mother told Julie to stay quiet about the obsession, or it could make things worse for her sister. She shouldn't make fun of April and certainly never shame her. Mother said she had gone through that stage when she was in her teens too.

Hearing this, Julie asked the old question she had been aching to ask for such a long time. "How were your teen-age years, Mother? You never tell us anything."

"Oh, yes I do, Julie, I tell you everything that I can. I have to; I'm your mother, and who's going to tell you if I don't?"

"I mean tell us about your experiences when you were about our age. Please."

"No, my experiences aren't interesting. Do you want me to just say I went to school, I came home from school, we ate dinner together as a family, your Auntie Allegra and I went up to our rooms while Mom and Dad stayed up and watched TV till around midnight, then, the next day we did it all over again? That's it."

Julie realized her mother would never tell her about her terrible experience and decided to stay mum about the entire ordeal, probably for the rest of her life, at least for the rest of her mother's life.

Both Julie and April wanted to find their half-brother some day, but they decided they should wait until the right time. He would really be surprised to find out he had two sisters; just talking about it made the sisters feel excited. They agreed they had to at least be of age in order to find him, except for the fact that there was no way they could think of ever talking about their mother's terrible event. They couldn't hurt Mother, or Father either, for that matter.

Running along together one early spring morning, Julie yelled to April, "Are you doing all right? Your face is red as a beet."

"I can hardly breath, right now, so stop, Julie, please."

Julie stopped in her tracks; looking her sister in the eyes, she saw that something wasn't right. April's eyes looked dull and dazed, and vacant. Alarmed, she pulled April over to a bench that luckily happened to be right there beside the trail where they had been running.

Using her cell phone, Julie called 911 just as April slumped over becoming unconscious. After telling the 911 operator their location, Julie lay April down on the bench, lifting her legs up on the bench. Then, she bent down next to her sister, holding and caressing her hand, whispering in her ear that help was coming soon. It was on the way.

She said, "Don't be scared April, it's going to be all right. I'm right here, honey. You just breath and keep on breathing. Please stay with me, April. I love you April, so much." Squeezing both of April's hands just to be doing something and to be hanging onto her sister hopefully helping her to stay calm, even though she wasn't conscious.

Julie was so scared herself, seeing April crumble right before her eyes seemingly in seconds. She decided to call Mother as soon as she found out which hospital where April would be seen.

Thank God, here came the ambulance right across the grass. Oxygen was administered even before April was lifted off the park bench onto a rolling gurney. The EMT's, (Emergency Medical Technician's), were so busy saving her sister's life, they couldn't say anything to Julie. She was directed to get into the passenger's seat in the front. The driver told her there wasn't room in the back with her sister, because the other two emergency workers needed room to do their job.

Julie nodded that she understood. She was shaken and afraid for April but managed to mutter "Thank you so much for getting here as fast as you did, for coming to our rescue."

As soon as April was in the emergency room and already being seen by a doctor, Julie went back to the waiting room to call home.

Mother was shocked, but said, "I will be there as quick as I can, Julie. Don't worry honey. Will you call Father for me, so I can get there faster?"

"Of course, Mother, I'll do it right this minute. Now, you be safe too. We don't want two of you to end up in this hospital at the same time."

MaryElizabeth was taken aback by Julie's last sentence, remembering when she had given birth to her first baby, a boy, when her mom and sister had been in a terrible automobile wreck that put all five of the family in the same hospital at the very same time, so long ago. Now, her own daughter bringing up something similar brought MaryElizabeth to her senses, wondering if Julie knew.

No, she couldn't possibly know, everything is still in it's place, and our bedroom door is always locked. There's no way she knows, she thought to herself as she hurried out of the house to go to the hospital where her two daughters waited.

MaryElizabeth muttering over and over to herself a mantra: "God help April to be all right, please, God."

Chapter Five

DEVASTATING NEWS

MaryElizabeth arrived at the same time as her husband, running up to him at the entry doors.

"Do you know how she is yet?" he asked.

"No, I'm just getting here too, Julie has been with her. Let's find her, then maybe get some news, and then, try to see the doctor for an update."

He answered, "Okay, it took me so long to get here, because the tunnel was closed for fifteen minutes. I thought I'd go crazy."

She nodded to him responding, "I know, the traffic was bad for me too, but at least the car kept moving along. I feel sorry for you being stuck in one spot like that."

Julie saw both parents through the glass wall that practically surrounded the little room where she had been put until it would be all right to visit April. They walked in to her, immediatly asking after April.

"Tests are being run right now, so it might take awhile until there are any results known. April was not injured, she just stopped running; and when I looked at her, I saw her face was as red as could be. It alarmed me, so I pulled her over to a bench that just happened to be along the trail. That's where she slumped over onto the bench. I laid her down on it and called for help. April has been unconscious since I laid her on the bench."

The looks on her parents' faces showed the pain and alarm they all felt. Then Julie just blurted out, "Mother, Father, at least she's not dead, let's be thankful for that."

Her mother broke away from the tiny circle sobbing uncontrollably into her hand, then, trying to find a tissue in her handbag, finally coming back, blowing her nose, and apologizing for her outburst. "I'm sorry for that, of course, we are thankful, honey. I'm just so scared right now, and I don't know what to do."

"As we all are, I'm sure," Father said. "MaryElizabeth, let's try to relax a little bit, then, we will see if somebody will talk to us."

Before they had a chance to ask to see April's doctor, she came out of the examining room into the waiting room. Father blurted out to his wife and daughter, "Oh, good, a nurse."

The doctor must have heard it, asking if they were April McArthur's parents, and saying, "I'm Doctor Avery. I'm not on duty today, but the hospital called me in to try to diagnose April's sudden health problem. I have done tests, and I see we need to do more tests to actually see what the specific problem is, like more blood tests, MRI, and other X-Rays of April's heart veins. I think it's her heart. I'm a heart specialist and general surgeon."

Father, embarrassed that he mistook the doctor for a nurse, hung back, but Mother said, "When can we see her. Is she awake yet?"

Doctor Avery, looking somber, told them, "No, she's not awake yet, but her blood pressure is better than when she came in, and she seems to be holding her own even though she is still unconscious. What was she doing, do you know, when she became unconscious?"

"I'm Julie, April's sister; I was with her. We were jogging together. She wasn't used to running yet, we just started this exercise about a week ago." Then, Julie reiterated the entire happening to Doctor Avery that she had related to her parents when they'd first arrived about a half hour earlier.

The doctor, nodded and said, "You can go in to be by her bedside, but try not to wake her. We want her to do that on her own. If it is her heart, at this point there can't be any sudden anxiety or any upset. She must remain completely calm, so she will have the chance to heal. Okay?"

The little family of three nodded in agreement, following the doctor to where April lay.

When they first saw April, her face was extra white, unlike the very red face Julie had last seen on her sister.

It seemed to them that April was very beautiful laying there so peaceful, except for the oxygen tube that said, trouble loud and clear.

How terrible to see April so unlike April, no one could have understood the anguish all three were going through right at that moment, except for each other. They looked into each other's eyes and saw the pain written there for April's sake.

Tears silently rolled down Julie's cheeks, and when her parents looked at her, they too were quietly crying, not daring to disturb April with their grief, especially after what the doctor had told them about anxiety.

Nurses came and went. Doctor Avery came, looked at the monitors, and wrote in April's chart via a computer set up on a stand beside her bed. Then, she whispered she would have some chairs brought for them to use while they all waited for some answers.

Within the hour, Doctor Avery was back and announced they might as well go home, that April had to be admitted was obvious to everyone, and that she would be put into Intensive Care, because she needed to be watched twenty four, seven, a situation not so obvious to the distraught little family. They should go home, but none of them wanted to leave April. Doctor Avery explained there was nothing to do now, except to wait for the lab to do their work and for all the tests to be completed, that even she wouldn't get any word until tomorrow. She suggested they go to the dining room to eat dinner if they wanted to do so before they left. She said that April was not going anywhere, and there was no sense wearing out the whole family by their staying at the hospital any longer.

The next day, when they all three arrived beside April's bedside, she looked as if she hadn't moved a hair. And she probably hadn't, being still unconscious, with machines still flashing lines across their screens, and staff still running in and out.

Finally, Doctor Avery came in, looked at the monitors, typed into the small computer set up bedside, and turned to beckon them with a curved finger to come with her out of the room.

Now, in the little waiting room with the two glassed in walls between the two hallways, with two small couches, the doctor sat across from the three grim faces and spoke quietly.

"April needs a kidney transplant; we don't know what caused this kidney failure, but it could be any number of things. First, she is overweight and tried to use running as her first form of exercise in her life, as I understand from you, Julie. Also she must not have hydrated herself often. It seems she never drank much, if any water. Or it could have been an injury; were there other complaints you haven't mentioned to me?"

All three shook their heads no.

"To be really plain about it, she needs one of you to donate a kidney to her immediatly."

Mother started crying and said she was out, because her kidneys were not good, that during pregnancy she had huge kidney problems, she had just about became a diabetic before full term. But that she would love to see if her kidneys were okay now.

Doctor Avery said the lab was ready for them to be tested now and see if one of them could survive with one remaining kidney. She also explained that, if April could use one of her immediate blood relative's kidneys, her body would most likely not reject the kidney as easily as if it were not an immediate blood relative.

After the lab work, they went back to April's room to check on her, still laying there as white as a lily, and still not moving a hair. So still. It was definitely truly scary.

Later, finally at home, the family roamed, paced, and could find nothing to keep their interest without worrying about April living or dying. Watching television, eating, knitting, playing games on the internet, looking out the window, starting to wash the car, starting to bake, none of these activities worked. Nothing took their minds off poor April, alone without them, laying in the hospital. Fear reigned supreme in the McArthur household.

The next day at the hospital, the good doctor summoned them away from April and out of her room again.

In the same glassed in waiting room, they listened to Doctor Avery once more.

"Mrs. McArthur, as you thought, your kidneys are not healthy enough for us to take one for your daughter. Mr. McArthur, you too are not able to donate one of yours. In fact, you need to make an appointment with your doctor, so you can try to make yourself well enough to be able to walk your girls down the aisle in the future."

Father looked ashen. So did mother.

The doctor went on and shared, "Julie, you are too young to donate anything. It's against the law for us to take one of your kidneys. I am so sorry, but we will just have to put April's name at the bottom of the waiting list and wait for a donation to come in that matches all her markers. Now, I have to get back to surgery, will you excuse me?"

All were dumbfounded, nodding their heads up and down. No one said a word. The silence was deafening.

Chapter Six

LAST CHANCE

Later at home, with all the family sitting around the dinner table in the large, bright kitchen with Mother looking at Father and at Julie, Mother spoke first. "What should we do? Surely there is something we can do, or that we can think of. Too bad my sister Allegra has the same problems with her kidneys that I have. I know she would try, but she can't do it, I already know it. My mother is too old for any type of surgery."

Father said, "You know my family is all gone. I wouldn't know where anybody was, even if they were still in my life. I don't know what to do either." He looked so sad and upset.

Julie piped up, "I think I have a solution. Why not ask April's and my half-brother?"

Mother turned ghost-white and said, "What are you talking about Julie? You know you have no half-brother." She stuttered making the reply. Father had an amazed look on his face, a look of bewilderment.

"Please explain Julie, I think you need to clue us in on what you're trying to say," he said.

Mother began to whimper and cry uncontrollably. Father went to her, putting his arms around her, trying to comfort her. Julie jumped up, hurriedly ran to her room, and came back with her cell phone.

Father said, "It's not the right time, Julie, to be fiddling with your phone, honey. Just explain to us what half-brother you think you have, please."

"Okay, let me explain." Both her parents were staring with big round eyes, waiting in apprehension and anticipation.

"April and I broke into your bedroom a long time ago; we thought there must be something hidden in there, because the door was always locked, and it was off limits for us. It was all my idea, not April's idea at all. She only looked at your jewelry the two times we went in. I thought there must be a secret, so I went snooping. I'm so sorry; I know it was wrong. Mother, if April hadn't gotten sick, your secret could have been kept forever, but I think it's a good idea for us to try to contact that boy baby who was adopted out and see if his kidney would work for April, and we should do it as soon as possible. We must."

With a grim look on his face and in a low painful voice, her father asked. "What do you mean Julie? MaryElizabeth, do you know what she's talking about? Julie, I have no idea what you are going on about; could you explain please?"

He got no response from his wife, who was staring down at her hands folded in her lap. She didn't even look up. Her face was white and grim. She didn't dare to make eye contact with any of her family.

Julie continued, "I'm sorry Mother; can you ever forgive us? If this secret coming out now saves April's life, I'm grateful we snooped. I know it doesn't excuse throwing away the trust you had in us, but this is an emergency. Please, don't be mad, Mother. I love you, and I'm sure Father loves you no matter what."

"Do you want to go in the bedroom and speak to him privately, Mother? I will understand if you do."

"No, no, I want you to stay, Julie. This is now between us all. Julie, you are old enough to have done what you did, and now, you will have to be my moral support. I don't expect you to understand, Jake. You might even want to divorce me now."

He looked shocked and said, "Divorce you, what do you mean? I love you and nothing can take that away. Will one of you, or both of you, please, fill me in on this big secret that I was never told existed before now?"

"Because I couldn't linger in your bedroom, I took snapshots of all the documents I found, including your diary, Mother. I read everything later in my room at night with a flashlight under my covers." After saying this, Julie too looked down at her lap, feeling ashamed for wrecking the trust her parents had in her before this event.

Father burst out, "Well show me already, will you?"

She pulled out her cell phone and began to explain what she surmised each picture of each document meant. Her mother remained silent like a stone, not moving an inch, just white as a sheet, then suddenly, she jumped up, running into the guest bathroom off to the right of the kitchen; and she begin to heave into the toilet. After a few minutes, here came the dry heaves, which sounded really painful to Julie and Father both.

As Father continued to read and flip through the pictures on the cell, Julie thought, what have I done. This is a disaster. How stupid of me to bring it up at all, but I...we...just can't lose April. She is the heart of this family, always so loving and kind; we would all be devastated forever. I did it for her.

They noticed MaryElizabeth slipping into the master bedroom and shortly after, the shower in the bathroom off of the master bedroom could be heard running.

Julie, said out loud, "Father, I think she will feel better after her shower. Do you know what you are going to do?"

Jake McArthur looked at his youngest daughter with deep pain in his gorgeous blue eyes and announced, "I don't know what to do or even what to say. This is so difficult; poor MaryElizabeth, it must have been such a terrible time for her. How awful, I could cry and I'm probably going to cry my eyes out before this nightmare of April being sick and my wife getting raped is over."

Julie agreed.

As her father handed back her cell phone, he asked, "Is all that in our closet, even the diary, now?"

"Yes, it's still there I think, but I haven't been in there for a long time. I'm sure it was the reason the door was locked my whole life. Poor mother thinking we wouldn't love her if we knew. She didn't do anything wrong. Only the bastard that raped her did the wrong thing. Not mother. I wonder where that predator is now. And I hope to God he hasn't ever raped another girl. Too bad grandfather couldn't find him that night on the golf course. I bet he would'a killed him."

Father's response was, "Did you say golf course? Do you know where this happened? Or even when it happened?"

"You can study the dates and town location when you see the real thing in your bedroom. It will be a lot easier to see and read than my cell phone's little screen."

With that he left Julie sitting alone at the kitchen table. Julie decided to try to find her half-brother on her own. Going to get her personal computer, she brought it back down stairs right into the kitchen and over to the table. No more secrets in this family, she decided, starting the hunt for John Edward Henderson, his father unknown.

Good thing I have the birth date to go on. From now on, I'm doing everything else in my life right out in the open and not hiding it. Honesty is the best policy I've decided right here and now.

Staying at the kitchen table out in the open, Julie googled the question: how to go about finding an adopted person. Google came up with many answers and many web sites to hire the work of finding an adoptee for a client. There were also government agency's to contact, and they were free.

Jotting down some of the phone numbers of the detectives and phone numbers of some governmental sites, she next looked up the town where the rape had happened. Their yellow pages. Finding one adoption agency, she next had to find out where her grandmother had lived and where her mother had gone out of town to have the baby. All so she could do the research.

Without asking her parents for the money, she couldn't hire a real detective agency, because she only had a hundred dollars of her own money, and she knew it wouldn't be enough.

Before the day was over, Julie had called two government agencies and talked to savvy people on how to go about this hunt. Actually, she went so far as to leave her mother's maiden name, the baby's name, the date of birth, the name of the town where her half-brother was born, and where her grandmother had lived at the time of his birth. Julie left her own name and number, so the savvy people could get back to her with any information they might have on file.

Julie left her search with high hopes, because she quickly found out if the adoption had been an open adoption, there would be no problem of telling any adoptee their birth family was looking for them and no problem at all if the person was already of age. If the adoptee had already signed a release, it would be a snap. Most closed adoptions were for the safety of young children. Her half-brother was of age, so she hoped he wanted them to find him and that he would respond as soon as he could. April's life depended on it.

Behind the closed bedroom door, so much emotional turmoil was going on with each parent. Neither one of them knowing the extent of the turmoil in the other.

Chapter Seven

JAKE ALLEN

ONE

It could have been obvious to the household why MaryElizabeth was feeling devastated. But not obvious why Jake Allen would be feeling a foreboding, terrible cloud coming to cover over his entire mind and life. Every since he had read everything on Julie's cell phone, and had come into the bedroom to search over the real thing, the hard copy as he thought of it, he too felt sick to his stomach, thinking he might throw up at any moment. He saw MaryElizabeth asleep on their bed. She must have taken a sleeping sedative to just get out of it. He wished he could too. He might use whiskey instead, but his stomach had to settle down first.

The sad, astounding truth that was gnawing on his brain was that he, himself might be the terrible rapist that had raped his wife when she was a young girl. Slightly remembering a night in the same town the newspaper clipping had mentioned, and remembering walking along the edge of a golf course and coming upon a girl just laying there in the dark. Jake admitted to himself, that his wife could have been that very same girl. It was around that date when Jake had been visiting his grandmother when she was alive and was living in that town. She lived very near a golf course too. In fact, adjacent to one.

God, oh my God, I think it was me, this can't be happening. If it is all true, I have a son, God how could this be true. I'm losing it big time, too much to think about, don't let it be me, please, I will never be able to face MaryElizabeth ever again if it's me, without question. She will know I was the one that ruined her life. She can't know that, please, God. Spare her, spare me. But what a mess...how can April be spared if we don't find this boy?

Jake thought these deep, dark thoughts over and over again for most of his sleepless night, tossing and turning in the bed beside his sedated wife of twenty years, MaryElizabeth.

Waking up with a headache that hammered his brains clear to the very back of his head and neck, Jake walked into the kitchen where Julie and MaryElizabeth were quietly sitting and staring at just nothing.

"Good morning," Jake muttered to whomever would answer him.

"I don't think so, not today, it's not a good morning, Jake," his wife answered.

Just then Julie's cell phone rang. As she grabbed a pen and paper, she dashed off into the living room for privacy.

Then, her parents sat across from each other, now both of them staring off into space. This, after Jake had grabbed a cup of coffee, hoping the coffee would curb the pounding in his head. He hadn't gotten any whiskey last night as he had wanted. The awful news was so bad and insane he never did get over his feelings of queasy nausea.

Jake thought to himself, get out of here, go to work and as time passes, things should get better. Oh, yes, but what about April? We have to hurry and do something.

Jake stood up, went over to MaryElizabeth; and touching her shoulder, he reached down to kiss her cheek.

After jerking her shoulder away she looked up at him, saying, "What? You don't hate me, now that you know all about it? I thought today you might ask me for a divorce. Or at least rant and rave about what you found out about me last night. What do you want to do? You were so happy when you thought me a virgin bride. Don't tell me, your staying? I can't believe it, if you don't stay, I wouldn't blame you for leaving right now and never looking back."

Jake's response sounded so loving to his shocked wife. He said, "MaryElizabeth, how could I ever leave you, I love you. None of that was your fault, honey. You were just a kid, to be honest with you, I'm sooo sorry that happened to you, my love."

Jake bent over pulling his wife up to be even with his own body. He told her in her ear, quietly, "I am truly sorry you had to go through all that terrible time, no wonder you hated your teen-age years. My darling wife, I'd never leave you."

Now, she smiled up at him as he bent over kissing her fully on her mouth, tasting salty tears that were left over from last night or maybe new ones shed over this heart-breaking dilemma.

How odd, MaryElizabeth thought, Jake is not upset at all with this terrible news, I'd expected him to at least rant and rave a little bit or a lot.

Pulling away from him, looking into his beloved face, she said, "Jake, aren't you even a little upset this happened and that I kept it a secret from you all our married life? What is going on with you? I can't understand you. I'da thought you would be mad and upset for a very long time, such a huge secret I have kept from you. My family made me feel so guilt ridden, I just couldn't tell you, I still feel it was all my fault. If only I'd not gone downstairs and outside on that dark night. I was sweating, so hot I thought I was going to faint with heat stroke. I'm relieved you don't hate me now, but it's hard for me to believe."

"How could I ever hate you, after all you have been through. It's just made me have more respect and love for you than anything else. I truly hate the guy that did that to you, though." And Jake meant every word with all his heart and soul.

Then, he said in a sad voice, "I'm upset, of course, that such a terrible thing happened to you, honey. Don't you remember anything about him? Did you see his face at all? Even in the dark sometimes we can make out faces if our eyes are adjusted to the dark."

She answered somberly, "No, not at all. I did see a form come upon me, and that's practically all I remember because he was instantly all over me. Then, I fainted and when I came to...he was gone. By the time I got into the house and Dad went out looking for him, he was really gone, because Dad said he looked all over for at least an hour while Mama and I went to the hospital.

"Come on, if you want to know the truth, Jake, I don't want to remember it. I have buried it so well, but now, with this coming up, I'm truly dumbfounded as to what to do. Do you think we oughta try to find him? For April's sake?"

His reply was low and intense, "Julie thinks we should; and if we don't try, we might not ever forgive ourselves, honey. April might not have enough time to get to the top of the donor list for a kidney to transplant. Are you up to it though?"

"For April, I'd do anything, you know that. Besides, I have always wanted to find my son. I guess it's time."

Both parents came through the kitchen arches separating the kitchen from the living room where Julie sat in front of her personal computer. She glanced up, saying, "Good morning Mother, Father."

Not hardly looking up from the lighted screen, Julie hoped they wouldn't see what she had been working on. She stuffed the notepad under the laptop to keep it out of sight and to hide her written log of all the places she had called in regards to her half-brother and some names of people who said they would call her back.

"How are you holding up, Julie, dear?" Mother asked.

Julie then and there decided, for the second time in as many days, to stop hiding stuff and to just be honest with her parents. They didn't look too angry with one another.

Father is taking all this crap pretty good I think, Julie thought to herself. Answering her mother, she said, "I'm holding up well by doing the search for our half-brother. I think he is our only hope. Since April can't wait until I'm of age, she might be dead by then; and he is already of age and can give his own consent. I have contacted a lot of people this morning, and here's the list." She handed the hidden yellow notepad over to her mother.

Julie went on, "I want us to hire a detective who's specializes in finding people who were adopted. The adoption agency where he might have been sent gave me the name of this guy." She pointed to a name on the scribbled up page of research: James Calvin. "Here's his phone number if you will call him. I couldn't call him, because it will cost money, and I don't have any to speak of, at least not enough. Please Mother? Father?"

Julie's parents stared in disbelief at each other, both thinking what a brilliant, efficient girl we have.

Father answered first, "Of course, we want to find the boy, Julie, and the sooner the better, obviously. We are so proud of you for all this work you've been doing for the love of your sister, honey."

Mother also nodded in answer to her question, so now Julie knew both her parents were ready to battle against time for April's life.

Continuing to share information, Julie spoke, "We need you, Mother, to fill out a form giving your permission to open the case to see if his adoption was an open adoption or a closed adoption; and if it wasn't open, he could have already opened it himself when he turned of age, if he is trying to find you, that is. If that's true, all you have to do is sign the paperwork, and they can then legally tell you where he lives, maybe even his phone number."

"Should we go to the office of this agency or what? Should I call? What do you both think?" Mother asked.

Jake spoke first, "Whatever is the fastest way, I think."

"Me too, maybe we can get the ball rolling today, early enough for something to be started now," replied Julie.

Later, after a few more phone calls, they knew where to go. When they got there, Julie and her mother jumped out of the car while Father said he would find a place to park and he'd meet them inside.

It didn't take long for the forms to be completely filled out and input to the computer, stating the birth mother's wishes: to find her son as soon as possible. The government worker flagged this new case as an emergency, so anyone looking it up could expedite the matter since a life depended upon locating the son. As soon as the sweet clerk was told about April's shocking dilemma, she said she would push the request through at once.

Feeling much better now that there was some hope April might be saved, the little family had a quick lunch and drove over to the hospital where April lay, still in a coma.

April looked just the same as last night, as if she hadn't moved an inch. The nurses came in to massage her. The family was assured she would get the massages on a regular basis, so her muscles wouldn't atrophy as fast as if she really hadn't moved an inch. The nurse informed them that April's looks were deceiving, because on the inside, her body was very busy trying to save her life, trying to hang on, and even trying to repair the kidney if that were possible. "The human body is a wondrous miracle," she said, smiling, trying to give them hope.

Doctor Avery entered the room, letting them know that everything remained the same as yesterday. A good thing was that neither of April's kidneys had shut down all the way yet. When that happened, it would be imperative she get a replacement as soon as possible, within hours of that event.

MaryElizabeth asked Doctor Avery if she could speak to her privately, and the doctor answered in the affirmative. As soon as the nurse left the room the doctor remained and the mother of April spoke to her.

"I have a son we are trying to locate, but he was adopted when I was quite young and he was a newborn. We are praying his kidney will be compatible for April. Isn't there anything you can do to help her remain in this static condition, so she won't get any worse?"

Doctor Avery spoke, "I hope you find your son soon. And yes, there is a lot of things we are doing to keep her static, as you so appropriately stated. In her IV's there are vitamins, minerals, antibiotics, and we are already giving her rejection drugs, too, preparing for the time when we give her a new kidney. The most important thing we have to do right now is to find that kidney. April's so young compared to the usual kidney patient that I think she will do well with a compatible replacement. Her good health and youth, will take her a long way. April's body will not reject the new kidney as easily as if she were aged or in ill health. The HLA, (leukocyte antigen), has to be the same or nearly the same in both people, because immune systems fight off and reject any foreign bodies. We can find a kidney from someone dead or alive, but the main thing is that the donor's blood and HLA be compatible to April's. Try not to worry too much; we will do everything in our power as soon as that kidney is found. By the sound of it, you all are going to great lengths to help us find a compatible kidney."

"Oh, thank you, Doctor, we so appreciate all you're doing for her. We just can't lose her. I already lost my son, and if we lose April, I think I'll go insane."

Julie and Father both nodded their thanks too, with smiles and murmurings of thanks.

After Doctor Avery left the room, chairs were pulled up around the bed. Each member of the MacArthur family, in their own way, was deep in prayer when Julie's ringing cell phone alarmed them.

Julie, jumped up, going out into the hall to talk in a low voice, so as not to disturb April; even though, they were now told to go ahead and speak to her, that it might actually help a lot.

It is believed that unconscious people have alert hearing. Therefore, off and on, one of the family would state their love for April. Julie even went so far as to talk to April about their future, where they would live years from now, when they would get married, and what children they might have. Going to college was a big topic of hers, because Julie knew that was the next thing on April's agenda. She had been so excited about entering college in the fall. Now, it didn't seem like her dream would come true, but Julie spoke like it was just around the corner, going so far as to share with April what they should shop for in the way of new clothes for the school year ahead.

This gave both parents a reason for sparse smiles to cross their lips. Julie rejoiced inwardly when she saw the flicker of happiness on their faces. It didn't last long before the set grimaces of pain reappeared.

Chapter Eight

JAKE ALLEN

TWO

Upon entering the room occupied by her family, Julie announced with a whisper for Mother and Father to come out in the hall with her. She crooked her index finger beckoning them out.

She was so excited, and said, "That was the adoption agency's state headquarters, they said they found a match for your son, and Mother, they want you to call them back right away."

Mother said, "Give me your phone, and I'll do it now."

Taking the phone, she pressed return call, waiting for the familiar beeping to indicate the phone was ringing on the other end. Finally, an automated voice asked seven questions and indicated for her to push the appropriate numbers to actually speak to a human. An operator came on the line, and MaryElizabeth asked if she could talk to the lady that had helped them earlier in the morning when they had met her in person in her office at the government building.

Not long after getting to speak to the clerk, MaryElizabeth smiled a huge smile that made Father and Julie know something big was about to happen.

As soon as Mother turned off the phone, she turned to Father and Julie and spoke: "They have found him, and he has been looking for me since he came of age. Oh, I'm just shaking, I can hardly wait to see him, what's he like? Who has he become? Where has he lived? And...oh, so many questions I have for him, and I suppose he has just as many for me."

She looked at her husband and daughter with a bleak smile. Such good things and such bad things had happened all at the same time. Who would have ever thought April getting so sick could bring her lost baby back, and him all grown up. So many thousands of times she had wondered, worried, prayed, and cried for him. Now, she would actually get to meet him, see him, and maybe hold him, too.

She thought to herself, the most amazing thing, which I was so worried about was Jake getting extremely angry over me never coming clean with this huge secret. I thought he would leave me for sure. Just think, he feels sorry for the me who was raped so many years ago. I can't believe he's such a wonderfully loving husband. I would never have waited this long to tell him if I'd known he was going to take it so well. Maybe if April wasn't so ill, Jake would have had a fit. I'll never know. To think it took our little Julie to bring this all out into the open. Well, April too, Julie says April knew all along too. I did know our girls had changed of late. More quiet, kinda more gentle even...at least towards me. They were always crazy about their father, but it seemed they were more reserved towards me. But then, I read where that's the way it is with daughters, especially teenage daughters. Oh, now, finally, I'll be able to see how it is with a son, too. My mind is surely getting blown at all this news.

Finally, MaryElizabeth spoke out loud: "All this thinking and excitement has given me a headache; will you come with me to the cafeteria for a cup of Joe?" Jake and Julie nodded in agreement.

Off they went. When seated with their drinks, she asked if they wanted to stay there at the hospital or go with her to the State Adoption Headquarters. She said that she had to show her ID in order to get her son's information. Adding, "I don't even know what to call him, isn't that nuts?"

"No, not all, how were you supposed to know what his family named him? It's most likely, you were better off not knowing in your case, with you being so young and all," Jake said, looking into her eyes.

Julie was practically jumping up and down, even though she was sitting in the cafeteria at a booth, drinking green tea. Both parents saw her excitement as clear as day.

"I want to go with you, Mother, may I?"

Jake answered for MaryElizabeth. "That's good, I think. Then, I'll stay here with April, just in case she wakes up. I want one of us to be here with her all the time."

Afterward, daydreaming next to April's bed, Jake had a terribly hard time of it.

I can't believe it was me, that attacked that girl so long ago next to the golf course. To think that girl might be my MaryElizabeth is just unbelievable. Maybe it's not me, God I hope it's not me. The me that is me now, could never do anything like rape a girl. I can't see how I could'a done it then when I was in my teens. Maybe it wasn't me, please, dear God, let it not be me. Probably having two daughters of my own has a lot to do with how I think, and maybe I can't believe it because I'm so much older now too.

I feel like a piece of dirt, knowing deep in my heart that I did do something that bad. "It's ok," I say to myself, "you can say the word, it's rape." I can say the word, but maybe not to MaryElizabeth who I love more today than I did yesterday. After realizing all this, it's unbelievable. I really should just leave them all, but will that hurt them more or less?

What should I do? If I confess, they all three will hate my guts forever, that might include my son, who would wonder how his father could be such an animal? All of them would ask that question and I have no answer. I'm asking myself the same thing, over and over.

Oh, God, please help me stay sane and help me know what to do. I don't want them to hate me, and I know they will if they find out the truth. I want to know the truth too, on one hand, because I might have the son I've always wanted, but what would the truth do to my wife and family? On the other hand, I, too, am wondering about the boy. I'm wondering all the same questions his biological mother is asking herself.

Again after the nurse left April's side, Jake resumed his desperate thinking.

Man, oh man, how did I ever get into this mess? What to do? I don't know anymore of what to do than when I heard about this terrible situation yesterday.

Well, let's see, in answer to how I ever got into this terrible mess: Right before seeing the girl on the golf course, I had been over at Grandmother's house, a short way from where the rape happened. Grandmother had an excellent view of the spacious, well trimmed grass, with trees all around and on both sides of the course, a small lake where ducks paddled along sometimes on the lake. It was so beautiful, at least until that night. That not only changed MaryElizabeth's life, it changed my life forever, too.

I was staying with Grandmother for the summer, and we were talking about my father, her son.

She said, "Jake, you just don't know what I went through with him."

"I don't care," I responded, "he was my idol until those punks upstate shot him dead last summer. I'm thinking about going over there, finding them, and taking care of them in the same way myself, since the police are such lame characters, they can't seem to get anything done. My father was the victim. Now I'm a victim, I lost my father. I could just kill somebody, too."

"No, you can't, Jake; a temper like that is exactly what got your dad started down the wrong path. When he thought someone did him wrong, boy, he was going to make them pay. He started by bullying smaller children than himself. Honey, I'm not trying to pull down that idol you have of your father, but him being my son, I knew what he was really like from the very start. How long did you really know him? Did you ever live with him for years and years on end? No, you did not to both questions, but I did. Now, Jake, I don't really want to tell you anything. It's just that, I think you need to know the truth, he got what he deserved."

I screamed at her, "How can you say that, he was your own son. I'm not going to stand here and let you bad mouth the only man I ever loved. My mother loved him too; she told me so. Actually, she told me more than once she loved him and how proud she was of him."

By now, Grandmother raised her voice, screaming right back at me, "He killed someone too, so then, when he actually got killed, I asked myself, what do you expect? I knew he was in it deep when the police came to our door the very first time, and him only ten years old. Can you imagine that? He had beaten a five year old nearly to death that time. What did the little guy do to your father I asked him. Justin answered, that kid smirked at me. That's all, the poor little guy did, he didn't even say a word to our Justin, he only looked at him. I've always prayed to God you didn't inherit his tendencies. As mad as you are looking right now, you'd better check yourself before you fly off the handle, too."

I asked her, "Well, who did he kill anyway?"

"Another kid who just barely made him mad. Choked the kid to death. My son was in and out of jail most of his life. He would have been in there for life if he had been of age when he beat the little boy half to death and when he did kill the other boy, but he was a juvenile. So when he became of age, he only served two more years for those crimes and then got out to roam the streets looking for trouble if you ask me."

"Aren't you supposed to love him, Grandma? Sure doesn't sound like you did."

"I loved him beyond words when he was just a little tyke; then, as he got older, he got more insane with his temper. I tried to help him by sending him to counseling; we even moved to this golf course house for him to be able to go to a better school. We all went to church together. Nothing helped. Some people are just born like that, I think. When your Uncle Mark was born, your dad tried to kill him so many times, I couldn't let either one of them out of my sight just to keep Mark safe from Justin, your father. I'm telling you all this so you won't find out years from now and feel even worse than you do right now. Of course, your mother stuck up for him; she wanted to give you as normal a childhood as she could, being mostly single all her life. Not really single, because he'd come back once in a while, just to cause her more grief. I know for a fact she feared him. She would call me and tell me things, too numerous and insane to mention. I had to visit her in the hospital more than once when Justin had put her there. Oh, she didn't want to tell me he'd beaten her, but she let it slip to me, but not to the hospital staff, even though I thought they knew from her injuries."

"You mean my dad beat my mom?"

"Yes, Jake, I mean that exactly. We don't know what was wrong with him, but it didn't start right away; he was a great, young boy. At about seven years old, he changed. No doctor could tell us why. I want you well aware of this, so you'll stop bragging about him around your mother, stop feeling so bad that he got killed himself, and most of all, stop building him up in your mind as an ideal. As far as I'm concerned, everyone would have been better off if he were never born, except for the fact we wouldn't have gotten you. You are the one main reason your mother had a reason to live. She doted on you always.

"Hey Jake, where are you going, honey; it's too late to be out at this time of night. I'm sorry, I know this has hurt you badly, please know I told you because I'm sure someone would tell you the truth in the future and not even the whole entire story, just something about Justin hurting them. This way you get it straight from me, his mother. I know the truth. Most of all, I don't want you to retaliate against anyone you perceive to have done your father wrong. That wouldn't be true, because I'd bet my life that your father did them wrong in the first place."

I got my coat on, I just had to get away from her awful words.

How dare she talk about my father like that. I got to get away, anywhere but here in this house, listening to my grandmother telling me all this terrible stuff about her own son, my beloved father.

"Grandmother, I just want to go out for a walk, I'm upset, and it will do me good to get some air right now. You can understand that. I don't know what to think. I love you and I believe you, but he was my father, and it hurts so much to hear all this stuff about him with him being dead now, and there's nothing I can do about any of it. I'll be back in a little while."

Not looking at anything in particular, not being able to think of much, except how mad and upset I felt, I walked along on the edge of the golf course, over beside the well-manicured lawns, near the bushes, plants and flowers planted all along the sides of the entire course. Many times I had walked around this course after hours when all the golfers were gone. Probably by now, the golfers were drinking cocktails in the club house or at the fancy restaurant near the entrance gates next to the club house.

I was thinking, I'd go down to the river, find some flat rocks to skip across the surface of the river. Doing anything like that made me feel better, because it always helped me to let off steam. I knew I had to find something to do before I went mad, thinking of how rotten my father had been to my mother and to his very own mother. The two most important women in my life, his too, he'd hurt them both so badly. I didn't know; I never had a clue. They should'a just told me what a bum he was from the very start. Spose they wanted me to get a little self-esteem before I found out, so I wouldn't follow in his foot steps. It could'a made me mad as hell as a small tyke; maybe I'd even turned out to be a bully just like him. I wonder what hurt him to make him act so bad? Wish he was around, so I could ask him. If he got this angry and upset, no wonder he lashed out. Come on, Jake, ol' boy, you're supposed to cringe when you think of him, after finding out all this about him.

Now, don't try to imagine his side of it. Well, I bet he did have a side of it. No one is just born bad, unless of course, they were dropped on their head or had some other type of serious brain injury. I asked grandmother about brain damage, and she doesn't know of any, or so she said. Maybe grandfather knew, but he's dead too. Guess I'll just have to cope with all this pain and anger, in the best way I can. I'll just keep on walking and hurry up.

Chapter Nine

THE EVENT

Wait, what's that over there in the bushes? Looks like the form of someone. It's so dark, I can't really tell if it is somebody. I think it is. Looks like they have on a light colored outfit, or I would never have seen them in the first place.

Kneeling down near the person, Jake still couldn't make out the face, but innately, he knew the figure was that of a girl. Putting his hand out, he felt her legs and the warmth of her body, and he immediately began to pull her flimsy, long pants down off her legs. A huge feeling of elation took over Jake's mind and body. He was unable to control or comprehend exactly what he was feeling, only that he wanted to get something, maybe hurt someone as bad as he was feeling hurt, albeit a subconscious thought if that was possible.

As soon as he touched her bare legs he felt himself having an overwhelming sense of arousal, in a few seconds the sexual arousal was pushing his body forward. It felt like a force greater than himself. Jake had never had sex with a girl, but he had been having solo sex for a long time, so he knew what was happening with his body. Instantly, when her hips and thighs were exposed, she let out a long, sharp scream. He pushed himself over, on top, and then, inside of her in one forceful motion. Jake felt a tremendous release from his entire body, and the act itself was over in a rush of released pent up emotion.

She wasn't moving.

Oh my God, oh my God, I must have killed her, he thought. Pulling out, jumping up, and off of her, all the while pulling up his jeans. He quickly retraced his steps back to his grandmother's house, quietly slipped in the back door, which he had left unlatched, and then, entered into the small main floor bathroom. Within seconds, he was in the shower, taking a hot, hot shower.

His thinking ran rampant.

If I murdered that girl, I will be just like my father. I am just like him anyway, because I hurt her for no reason. I hurt her for sure, or she would have at least said something. She did scream at first; then, she turned it off instantly. I wonder why? Oh no. Oh no. What have I done ? What should I do? I'm lost.

Jake, pulled the streaming shower door open, not caring or thinking the floor would get wet, then took his jeans into the shower, shutting the glass door again. There was blood all over the entire crotch area of his blue jeans. He had to get rid of the blood, hide it, wash it down the drain, make it disappear. The blood pointed the finger at him, only him, it scared him to the depths of his soul and made his guilt rise up into his brain. He felt like the lowest scumbag on earth. Realizing guilt and shame felt even worse than hate itself.

Why, oh, why did I attack her? I'm a murdering scum bag just like all the other scum bags walking the earth, just like my father! No different. I wish I had some help. Oh, I am just like my father! The very hour I hear about him, I act like him, Oh, my God, my God, please don't let her be dead. What can I to do now?

With no one to turn to, Jake took his wet pants, shirt, underwear, all of it, down to the basement. He put the clothes in the washer, turned the dial to hot, poured in some detergent, and then added bleach to kill the blood secrets. Then, he turned the washer on, hoping it wouldn't wake his grandmother. Jake stayed near the washer, remaining in a complete daze until the washer stopped; then, he tossed the wet batch into the dryer. He'd get it out of the dryer in the morning, he told himself.

Later, laying in bed, not able to sleep to say the very least, he worried about his beastly act, thinking without an answer to the question of why he would have done something like that to someone he didn't even know. She was just an innocent person.

He did realize it wasn't only his dead father he really wanted to hurt, but also his mother and his grandmother for lying to him for his entire life. Consciously, he knew the reasons they lied to him, but subconsciously was a whole different matter.

How am I going to live with myself after raping that girl? Maybe even killing her.

That question haunted his thinking. He went over and over it through his sleepless, worried mind.

No matter, Jake had to act as if nothing had happened. In early morning, tip-toeing down to the basement just about nude, he donned the clothes that he'd put in the dryer just hours before. Then, he went up to the kitchen. He was sitting at the table, pretending to read the morning news paper, which he'd brought in from the front porch, when Grandmother came into the kitchen.

"You can't wear those clothes, Jake."

Jumping up as if shot by a gun, he wanted to know why.

"You wore them yesterday, and you look like a rag. What'd you do, sleep in them? I won't have you wearing the exact same outfit two days in a row. What would the teachers think? I know it's just summer school, but it's still school."

"Okay, I'll toss them into the laundry basket and change. I wasn't thinking, I'm sorry."

Upstairs, Jake said to himself: Good, two washes and two dryings will make this awful outfit even cleaner, even though, I'll never wear it again. I hate looking at the whole mess.

After getting dressed for school, he went back down to the kitchen. By this time, breakfast and his lunch were made and on the table. He choked down a bite or two of scrambled eggs and toast. Then, he left, kissing his grandmother on the cheek, but he didn't get out the door before she caught him with her words and stopped him in the open doorway.

"You aren't mad about last night, are you?"

"No, should I be? You did tell the truth I assume," he answered.

"Because of all the stuff I told you about your father, I'm sorry, honey, that I did finally tell you; but you had to know before some hateful person told you all about him...or before you heard or read something on your own, cause then you'da been angry with me and your mother for keeping mum about him. We only waited this long because you were still growing up. Now that your fifteen, it's time you were told. Your father's big trouble started way before he reached fifteen, so I think you're safe from whatever genetics caused your father's behavior. I can't think of anything else. He didn't have any accidents before all the bad trouble started, certainly no head injuries or anything while he was growing up that I know of, and believe me, I'd know. I was with him everyday of his life until he began running away and running around, but that was well after he reached puberty."

Then, she reached out to her grandson, coming over to the open door, not waiting for him to meet her half way. She went the distance. Putting her arms around him, she said, "Jake, honey. I love you so, so much, just the same as I loved your father, really I do love him, even still, I just ended up not liking him. After he started acting out with all the bad behavior, I began to not like him so much, not the way I should have. My hope is that by knowing the truth about him, you will save yourself from the same criminal way of life. Please, try to forgive your mother and me for this awful secret that we've tried to keep from you. It's the only one, though. No other secrets, at least none we know of. You needn't fear other painful secrets jumping out of the closet to upset you. Now, make a good day for yourself. You are the only one in this world that can do that, you know. None of us get a good day just because someone tells us to have a good day. We all make our own days. Whatever we put into our days is what we get out of them. We're all responsible for our own actions, always."

Kissing him on his cheek, she nudged him out the door and shut it softly.

Jake thought, How can I stand living now? I'll never make another good day for myself, I ruined that last night. I hope to God none of those lecherous guys in the locker room start bantering on and on about girls and sex today. They love to do that before and after track. I'm sick of it and sicker today than ever in my life. Poor Grandmother would die if she knew what her precious Jake did last night. I'm so ashamed. I wish I could be the one to die and get out of this excruciating misery. Why, oh, why did I do it? I will be asking myself that forever. I have never done anything remotely like that in my whole life. Instead, I could'a just went into the living room and pilfered a bottle of whiskey from the liquor cabinet. It's easy to get into, the key is taped onto the back of a picture, and I know which one. I could'a run all around the golf course, that's all I was gona do, cause I did it numerous times, and it does work. It takes the stress out'a me. I'm gona do it now.

He said to himself out loud, "Yeah, now that it's too late. Now, I take care of my stress in the right way, why couldn't I just'a done that last night?"

Jake ran all the way to the high school. He was barely out of breath, being a star runner on the school's track team had built up his stamina more than anything else could have done.

The rest of Jake's years in high school and college were just a blur in his mind as he tried to remember back to those times. He was still sitting in April's private hospital room. He felt he hadn't even started to heal from that terrible night on the golf course until he met MaryElizabeth, and that was five years later. Actually, it wasn't until 1996 that his life really began, and that was the day he married MaryElizabeth. On their wedding night was only the second time Jake had sex in his life.

Unbeknownst to Jake, it was also only the second time in his bride's life that she had sex, but as far as she was concerned, he would never know about it or find out she had given birth to a baby boy who was already four years old. She'd made him think that she was a virgin, so he'd marry her. Her mom and grandma told her that, if guys knew the truth, they would never want to marry her.

As big as her secret was, she had only shared it with her Dear Diary and no one else. Her parents, sister, and Grandma knew, and they were the only people who knew, she thought, forgetting about the hospital staff and delivery doctor.

Not that she would ever have the chance or any reason to talk about her baby to anyone. The people in her past, Mom, Dad, Allegra and Grandma, just the society in general, made sure of it. Instead of being a proud mother of a four year old, she was made to feel that she was tainted, ashamed, and that she had to hide the fact of his birth.

Chapter Ten

JOHN EDWARD HENDERSON

FATHER UNKNOWN

As far back as I can remember, I have known myself to be part of my family. We are known by the last name of Schumaker. I always thought of myself as just like any other kid with a mom, a dad and two brothers. You know...it was regular. Then, when I was near coming of age, my mom and dad called my two bother's and me into our living room. Our parents turned off the TV and told us to give over our cell phones, so they could have our undivided attention. We were all sitting there kind've like goof balls, and my dad spoke first.

"You boys have been our life, we hope you know, we love each of you deeply, we hope you feel that way too; but right now, I'm going to tell you how it was when you were all little. First, we had you two Scallywags." He pointed at my two older brothers. "Then, we were pregnant again, thinking we'd have the next baby boy, just fine. We were so happy. It didn't happen that way though. At Mom's seventh month, our little son had to be taken from her, because he had died for an unknown reason while he was still inside her. We were both devastated."

None of us three boys had any idea where this was leading, least of all me, since I was the third son. We all sat there with an intense look on our faces, looking at one another. I begin to feel anxious, fidgeting, thinking it must have something to do with me.

Now, Mom interrupted Dad, "We love you all equally, each and every one of you. It's just that after the third baby died, I had to have surgery to prevent me from having more children. You might call it, getting fixed.

At this point we all listened intently, especially me, because I'm their third son, at least I thought I was.

She went on, "In those days, things weren't as easy as now. I was so depressed, down all the time, hardly anything made me happy, not for at least nine months. I felt useless, like I was no good anymore. I'm not able to explain it very well, but I know I was in a deep depression. That's what I suffered without any let up. No anti-depressants were given to me. Oh, but therapy was offered. I went many times to a therapist, but it didn't help. Your dad and I settled on me just being a pain in the butt for however long it lasted.

"I went to our old M.D., Doctor Elliot, mentioning to him I missed my dead baby so much that I could die myself. I told him, since I couldn't have another child, I felt useless and no good.

Immediatly he asked, "Would you take another baby, if you could?"

Now, Mom had my complete undivided attention. I was no longer fidgeting, just concentrating on every word spoken.

Then mom said, "I told the doctor that of course, I would take another baby. Coming home, I told Dad what had transpired. He could see my spirits were uplifted already. The next day Doctor Elliot called us with some information about a baby.

"John, that baby was you. We adopted you. Within just two weeks of hearing about you, we had you here with us. Please, know we have loved you as much as we have your brothers, and we want you to know also that you saved me from terrible depression, and who knows how long that could have lasted. Maybe I'da never gotten over losing our baby and having to have the tubule legation surgery. You probably saved my life. You came and helped out the whole family. John, we're sorry to spring this on you, but it's only fair that you know the facts of your own life. We want you to be able to contact your birth mother and your birth family. Also you'll be able to find out any physical traits or problems that might have been inherited from them.

"When you're eighteen, you can go to the adoption agency and open your case; and then, if anyone in your biological family is looking for you, they will have the right to contact you. Please, forgive us for keeping this important piece of information from you all these years, but we didn't want you to feel any different than your brothers, and your not. In our eyes, you're all equal, you're all three our sons, forever."

After hearing all this I was certainly dumbfounded. My brothers stared at me. Both Keith and Mark came over, gave me a big hug, muttering something with the word love incorporated into it. I didn't know what to think. I was still me, no matter what had happened to me as a baby. I wondered why my birth parents would give me away though. It was unnerving to say the least. Thank God, my parents had instilled in me a great sense of self esteem, as they call it now-a-days, because I didn't feel anything like guilt or pain.

With my common sense, I knew, since I was a baby, everything had all been out of my hands and had been done to me, not by me. Being able to accept that I had no fault in whatever the story happened to be, made me feel good, even lucky, since the outcome would never change. My parents who had adopted me would forever be my parents no matter what, and I assured them of that fact that very day. No matter who my biological parents were, or what had happened, I would never call them my parents. I would never call them Mom and Dad, but just their names when I learned who they were.

Nothing changed until my eighteenth birthday when I went down to the state building to sign a form, a kind of petition or certificate allowing my biological parents access to my legal name, address, and phone number. I did it because I was curious, not because I thought I was missing anything in my current life. Mom and Dad couldn't have been more fair or more loving. I knew they treated us all three as equals to a fault.

If one of us three boys got something, the other two always got the same thing, or at least something as good. Not to mention the time that was given to us. We always had equal access to each parent. Now, that I know I'm adopted, I can see our parents bent over backwards trying to be fair in all things, attention, material items, time, words, and especially affection. Such loving people.

I thanked my lucky stars they were the ones who got me. I could find no fault in them as they found no fault in me either, or in my brothers, which made for a fantastic childhood for all three of us. I couldn't have asked for more or a better family . I knew my brothers felt the same as I did. They surely felt I was their true brother, their blood brother, even though now, we knew this wasn't true.

Mom and Dad's announcement that day hit the Schumaker family in the gut. Us kid's didn't know how to act or react. It was just awful for a while. My brothers tried to talk to me about me being adopted, and I couldn't take it. They even hugged me if they could corner me. Wow! It was the first time in their lives, I think, that they did that. I really couldn't take their showing that much affection.

Finally, turning eighteen, I went to the address Mom had given me to notify the agency that I wanted to meet my biological parents if they wanted to meet me. All I could do was hope. Nothing was ever heard after that; and certainly, nothing was ever spoken of me being adopted either. None of us brought it up after the initial shock wore off.

We just went back to our usual life that we had before that bomb hit us. It really didn't bother me, because I knew no one could've loved me as well as my parents loved me, even if they didn't have me as they did their other two sons. I can again honestly say we were truly all treated exactly alike, and I'm so thankful for everything, knowing what I know now.

Then, out of the blue, the agency called to tell me to get a hold of them as soon as possible. I did. They wanted me to meet with my biological mother.

The day we met, I was just shaking with anticipation. I walked up to the younger looking woman, compared to my mother. There was also a man and a young girl who was very much younger than myself. All this was scary, to say the very least.

Mom and Dad volunteered to go with me, but I told them, "Never mind, I don't want to look like a big baby." So I went alone. We met at a Starbucks coffee shop that was downtown. We were tucked away in a corner of the large room, with a loveseat, chairs, and a big coffee table between us. Complete privacy and low voices made it easier to talk. Starbucks, wasn't far from my high school, so I knew the way. I'd been there many times, and familiar with it. I was somewhat at ease, at least with the surroundings.

Sitting down on one of the chairs, I felt embarrassed, because they were all looking at me so intently. I felt like I was under a microscope, like a bug. I'm sure they were nice and not meaning to make me feel uncomfortable, but SHE HAD GIVEN ME AWAY. I wasn't sure if I was mad, upset, happy, or sad, and I felt all jittery inside.

The lady stuck out her hand, saying, "Hi, I'm MaryElizabeth, this is my husband Jake and our daughter, Julie. We are so very glad you've come. Do you want something to drink?"

"Sure, coffee, just black. Nothing else, thank you, I'm fine." The young girl stood up offering me a cinnamon bun.

The lady was smiling at me; I think, she was just sizing me up by my looks. So were all three of them. Me too. The lady was pretty, and Julie, the young girl, was really cute. Julie must be my half sister hit my brain like big fireworks. Good fireworks though. The guy looked really familiar to me for some unknown reason. It was sort'a uncanny. We all had the same coloring. You know, hair color, eyes, and skin.

I found out they had another daughter, April, who might die if I didn't offer her one of my kidneys. That really disappointed me, because I always thought they'd try to find me because they wanted me in their life, and not because they just wanted my kidney. I wished I had brought Mom and Dad now. I didn't know how to handle this. All I did was to stammer around. I was acting like an idiot, but I was so taken aback after MaryElizabeth told me, first, that she was my mother, then, that Julie was my half-sister, and then, about April needing my kidney. Wow, what a thing to hit a guy with, the very minute you meet him. I couldn't get over it.

I did have the feeling that time was of the essence though, because it all sounded so urgent. Then, I dropped my bomb. I had no idea what the answer would be, but I had to know what happened to me.

"Why did you adopt me out? Didn't you want me? Don't worry about my life, I have had an excellent life. My parents love me and wish I was their real kid. I have two brothers and I've been truly happy, until now, but can you answer my questions, please?"

The lady, my biological mother, took the lead, answering, "I am so sorry to spring this on you about April and her kidney disease, but we just found out a couple of days ago, that she will die unless she gets a compatible kidney, one she won't reject. All three of us are out of the equation for giving her one of our kidneys. When I had you and my two daughters, both of my kidneys were weakened during the pregnancies, they aren't good enough to give to April.

"Jake's isn't any good either, and Julie has to be eighteen in order for them to use her kidney. We're sorry to come across like gang busters. Just give this some thought. We do want you in our lives just for yourself, it's true. I don't know how to tell you about why you were adopted out, because it might hurt you to know the truth, but it might hurt you worse to have me lie to you."

"Well, I need the truth, if you don't mind. Finally finding out my parents aren't my biological parents just about blew my mind enough. So, if you don't mind, I'll take the truth. I can handle it. I'm twenty four years old now. I guess you know that."

MaryElizabeth looked at her son, John, and a tear rolled down her cheek. Everyone waited for her to overcome her fear and grief and hear what she was going to say. Now, she looked at Julie, and with her eyes asked her daughter if she'd be the one to say it.

Julie spoke up.

"Our mother, yours and mine, was only twelve when she was raped and became pregnant with you. She had you when she had barely turned thirteen years old."

That's all she said...it was enough.

John Edward Schumaker looked astounded and he was astounded. His eye's grew big, not knowing what to say, he said nothing. Just looked at his undrunk coffee. Then, he looked at his hands, folded in his lap. Then, he looked at Jake, Julie, and finally, at his real mother. Finally, it dawned on him that it wasn't her fault she had to get rid of him, give him up. The terrible predator, the rapist, alone was at fault. She, his real mother, was an innocent victim, just as much as he was. She was only twelve years old, what else was she supposed to do?

Chapter Eleven

DILEMMA

After visiting for just a while, the little group left one another, going their own ways, with no answer as to what each of them would do in their immediate future.

John Edward Schumaker walked into his home where his whole family had been waiting for him, eager to hear his report of meeting with his birth mother.

John started out by explaining who had been present at the Starbucks coffee shop, how he had felt meeting them, and his first impressions. He did share that he thought his birth mother was young and very pretty, which made his mom raise her eyebrows and look surprised. John smiled at her, assuring her that she was just as pretty as MaryElizabeth.

He told about his birth mother's husband and daughter who were both present too.

Now, his dad volunteered a question; "Did you learn how it came about that she had to have you adopted out?"

John Edward looked down on the floor. His two brothers were afraid he was going to cry. His mom looked away, trying to give him some privacy so he could catch his breath and his feelings all at the same time.

His dad added," Well, John, can you tell us why? We have always wondered, mostly because you are such a wonderful and kind person, so loving, smart, and good looking."

"I turned into those things, Dad, most likely because I had you two as my parents. All I can say is a huge THANK YOU for being my parents. I could never, ever repay you. It's hard telling what would have happened to me if my birth mother had to raise me."

"What do you mean, had to raise you?" John's mom asked.

Now, two big tears ran down John's cheeks, one from each eye. His face was kinda dusty and each tear made a minute track in the thin film of dust, barely seen, unless one concentrated intently on his face. Mom got up to go to him and give him a hug. Dad, touched Mom's arm to keep her from going to John, fearing that would really make him break down completely. Dad thought there was a lot to be said for leaving people alone, so they could deal with their own emotions in their own way, and that was the reason for holding his wife back.

Finally, getting control of himself, John just blurted out: "She was only twelve when she was raped and became pregnant with me, and only thirteen when she had me."

They all sat there gaping at their son and brother. Practically in unison the words came out from each family member, "I'm sorry. So sorry, John. Oh, so sorry son, and from his middle brother, Jeeze, how terrible."

"Oh, don't feel sorry for me. I'm so glad that's how it came about. It only makes me feel worse for her instead of for myself. Now, I can see the logic of it. Before, I wondered if she was a druggee, alcoholic, prostitute, or even, if she had died in childbirth. Now, I know not to blame her. She was just as innocent as I was. Sometimes life just sucks, then you die. What the hell!"

He knew he'd not get into trouble for swearing in this instance. They'd dare not correct him at this point, he was so emotional, he could have said anything and his parents would have overlooked the words. They were just words, anyway.

"Well, I haven't told you the worst of it yet."

From Dad, "What could be worse than that?"

And from the others, "Yeah, that sounds bad enough. Okay, go ahead, tell."

"No matter what, Son, we are on your side, we love you, and you can tell us the worst of it." Dad ended with that.

John looking each one in the face, spoke as well as possible. Trying to relate his feelings concerning a new problem.

"After meeting them, the bottom line is that they, together, have another daughter named April. She's in the hospital right now. She's a year older than Julie, whom I met. April has one kidney that has failed completely, and the other kidney is weakening. She needs a new kidney immediately. So now, you have guessed it, that's why they looked me up. They really want my kidney. And they want it right now. What should I do?"

"Whewww. Since your twenty four years old already, it has to ultimately be up to you, Son." Dad said, and he continued, "I can see how this would make you feel as if you're not the important one in that equation, Son. You know to us you are just as important as you always have been; and if there was anything to save your life, if the tables were turned, your mom here and I would do it too. I don't blame those people for asking you. All I want to know is: Weren't they curious before this crisis came about? I mean about you, your well being, your life?"

"I don't know, I'll ask them. Julie gave me her cell number. I'll call her, see if she and my birth mother can come over here to meet you guys. You will give me the courage to try to give them an answer to their big question as soon as possible. As it is, I just told them I had to think about it and talk it over with my family. Is it okay to invite them?"

"Of course it is, honey, anytime." Mom spoke up.

"Is today alright? I want to get it over with, then, if I decide to do this, will you and Dad come to the hospital with me? I want to see April and most of all, talk with her doctor."

Julie and MaryElizabeth were on the way over to the Schumaker's home when Julie asked, "Are you all right, Mother?"

"No, Julie, I'm not all right. I wish your father could have come along; but since John didn't ask for all of us, only for you and me, I thought I'd better go along with it as best I can. I'm really scared right now. I have to keep telling myself I'm doing this for April, but I can imagine how John feels about it. Like we only want a piece of his flesh and not his whole self. I feel real sad and bad, really. Oh, why didn't I look him up a long time ago? Oh...I know why: I was afraid."

"Mother, here we are, now try to stop shaking. I'm here with you; just think of me as a grown up woman, well, practically grown, anyway. Aren't you surprised they only live ten miles from us? Together we can do this; now, don't worry so much."

The house was well trimmed, newly painted, and landscaped nicely. Such a nice, rather large home for having only three children, the visitors were both thinking.

When the front door opened with John opening it, Julie and her mother smiled their greeting and entered.

Led into a large, beautiful living room with great natural light coming from the many windows and with a gorgeous view of the back of the property, and a sparkling blue pool shining through. Julie and her mom were taken back by the spaciousness and beauty of the place.

Offered chairs, and now, seated and facing the entire Schumaker family intimidated MaryElizabeth even more than she had already been intimidated before entering the Schumaker home. Her face being extremely white, she managed a smile to the amazement of Julie, who hoped her mother wouldn't faint.

In Julie's mind, she was thinking altogether different thoughts after being seated. What good looking brothers my brother John has. Both the parents look really nice too, and I love this house. I'm so glad he got to be raised with these people, but I still wish we could have had a chance at him from the begining.

Mr. Schumaker spoke up first. "Welcome to our home. How can we make you feel more comfortable? I know this isn't an easy meeting for you, Mrs. McArthur, we thank you and your daughter for coming over today."

Mrs. Schumaker asked, "May I bring you a drink of any kind? We have just about anything you might want. I'm very glad to meet you both, even though the circumstances aren't the greatest, which is what we understand from John."

MaryElizabeth, gave out a wan, lonely, little smile and muttered, "No thank you, I'm fine. And we are glad to finally meet you all. I'm so sorry it hasn't been before now."

Julie, next piped up, "I'd like a diet Pepsi please. Yes, and thank you for letting us come over. I'm so glad to be able to meet John at last. All your sons are so handsome too." She ended by smiling at both Mr. and Mrs. Schumaker.

The room had it's silence broken with snickers and slight laughing from the boys, who thought Julie was a special looking girl, herself. Her face turned a sunset red while everyone then looked away, embarrassed for her embarrassment.

MaryElizabeth, reached out to try to save Julie from her embarrassment, but too late, then she said, "I'm sorry, we don't know what to say at this late date. Did John tell you about our other daughter April?"

"Why, yes he did, but please explain what exactly is wrong with April? And when did she get this condition?"

Julie, answered because she felt her mother unable to do so.

"April has only been in the hospital three days, but it's imperative she get a new kidney as soon as she can. April and I found out secretly our mother had John by sneaking into her private diary, and reading it without her permission or knowledge about a year ago.

"We knew that, after we realized she was raped, she didn't want our father to know she had been raped; and that she had a baby because of the rape, so we kept silent. Only yesterday, after all three of us were turned down for giving April one of our kidneys, I'm the one who brought Mother's secret forward. Father was shocked, and so were you, Mother.

"She didn't know anyone knew besides her sister and her mother, also she thought our father would leave her, divorce her or something. In the old days, when she was young, it was such a taboo to have a baby without being married and a worse shame to be raped. At least, this is what our mother was made to believe at her young age. See, she married our father when she was only eighteen. That's why on the birth certificate it says: father unknown. At least I think that's why."

"No, Julie, it says that on the birth certificate because the father is unknown." Spoke up MaryElizabeth.

"Oh, yeah, I wasn't thinking when I said that. I'm really nervous too, I guess. Sorry."

"That's fine, Julie, thank you, honey. I can speak now. Now, that you have told the worst of it. I must say Mr. and Mrs. Schumaker, and most of all John, I have thought of you thousands of times. I never dreamed you might be looking for me and unseal your adoption information when you turned eighteen. I'm so sorry it has taken this tragedy with April to meet you."

She immediatly burst into heart rending tears. Digging into her purse again, she reached for a Kleenex to dry her eyes, right as John's mom handed her a box of Kleenex that had been next to the couch where she was sitting. MaryElizabeth gently wiped her eyes and blew her nose, none to quietly.

Catching her breath, she said, "I'm sorry for that outburst, it's just that for so many years, I couldn't be honest about this situation to anyone, not even when I was a teen-ager and certainly not since it happened, for that matter. You will never know how grateful I am to both of you for taking him into such a beautiful home and raising him to be such a good man, too. He deserved having everything, I know. I'm surprised you kept the name for him that I gave him on his birth certificate. Thank you, thank you, so much for just...everything."

Mr. Schumaker spoke, "John has been our gift, and we should be thanking you, MaryElizabeth, not the other way around. We were told to have the adoption sealed by our lawyer at the time. Now, I'm sorry that the old times were so hard on people. I remember, too, when girls were the ones to always pay for the awful things that happened to them in regard to sex outside of marriage."

"Mother," Julie said, "don't you think we'd better be getting back to the hospital. Father might be worried and we need to see how April's doing."

"Okay, yes, thank you again for meeting with us, and especially you, John. Here, for you all, is a paper I have written out our address and all our phone numbers. Please, do whatever feels right to you. Never think we are just after your kidney, honey. Stay in touch no matter what happens. I just can't lose you again."

Putting on her coat, she smiled at the tight little family, then, she waited for Julie to hurry up.

"I will let you know as soon as I talk it over with my parents, and speak with April's doctor and see April. So bye till then," said John.

He walked them to the door as the rest of John's family stayed in the living room, seated as before. They all knew this was John's call and not theirs. It would be hard to let him take the lead without their input; and while he was seeing the ladies out, they agreed quietly together not to try to influence their brother and son in the least.

Chapter Twelve

THE QUESTION

Later at the hospital, walking into April's room, Julie noted her father slumped down in the big oversize chair that was used for sleeping in case a visitor wanted to stay overnight in their loved one's room. She had to nudge him slightly just to see if he was still okay. After what she had been through with April, she sure didn't want to be the one to find any other member of her family unconscious. It was super scary with April that day when they had been out running, and all this started to take place. Seemed so long ago, but it was actually only three days ago.

Father looked up, kinda dazed, and said, "So, what did John say? Do you think he will do it?"

"We have no idea, Father. He still is non-committal and wants to talk to his parents, Doctor Avery, and to see April. I sure hope he tells us soon. Mother stopped off at the restroom. She said she wants to keep John in her life no matter what happens. I'm glad and I sure don't blame her. By the way, Father, why should Mother have been so afraid to tell you about what happened to her as a child? She was a child you know, only twelve when she was raped. You have never even yelled at her as far as I have seen, let alone hit her or anything. So I don't understand what that is all about."

"It was the times, honey. Girls and women had fewer rights to speak of, or they were just then getting some rights, but not enough for people to let them be free with their own bodies. Her parents and grandmother treated her just like they had been treated in their own youth. There was birth control at the time, but no one would even dream of putting their twelve year old child on the pill. None of it was her fault."

"What's not my fault?" Mother asked as she entered the room.

Julie spoke first, "Oh, just this entire experience. I asked Father why you would have been so afraid to tell him your secret, and he said it was the times, but mostly the times of your parents and their parents which were carried down to you. Society sure takes a long time to get something out of it's head, doesn't it?"

Father decided to run home for a shower and food. Julie and Mother were to stay in case John came, and most importantly, in case April woke up.

Nothing happened; they just sat there waiting for Jake to come back, reading or sleeping as the case may be. Julie and MaryElizabeth were both so tired. Mostly emotionally tired. Actually numb.

Finally, Father came back, and Mother announced that it was her and Julie's turn for a break at home. They'd be back in a couple of hours she told her husband.

Jake, for the millionth time thought all about the scene of that fateful night. He was putting himself down for his terrible acting out in pain and anger by taking his feelings out on an innocent child who just happened to come out of her bedroom for some cool air in the heat of the summer night.

"I'm so mad at myself, I could just scream, how will this all play out in the end?" he asked himself.

Looking up, he saw a tall figure enter the dim room. The figure looked like a young mirror image of himself. Of course, it was John.

At that instant, fleeting thoughts raced across Jake's mind. There now was no doubt in his mind that the young man entering the room was his own son. It won't take them long to recognize John's my son, Jake thought. Oh, my God, I am caught for sure.

Smiling up at John, getting up to a standing position, and extending his hand to shake hands, Jake touched his son for the first time in his life. A kind of electrical shock shot through his body and heart.

Jake told himself, this is my very own son. I can't believe it on a conscious level, seems like a wonderful, terrible, magic dream and a nightmare all at the same time.

Finally speaking, Jake said, "John, this is April. April, this is your brother. I'm not sure what to say at this point, John, if it's brother or half-brother. Anyway, I hope you two will get the chance to be in each other's lives and get to know one another no matter how anybody says it.

John, smiling, walked closer to April's bed, touched her cheek with the back of his fingers, brushing a few hairs that had fallen down from a kind of shower cap covering the rest of her head. He pushed the strands away from her breathing tube.

He laid his hand on her shoulder, saying, "April, I hope you are able to get well, so we can have long lives together along with Julie and MaryElizabeth. I'm looking forward to it."

John announced he was going to his parents and that he'd be back after talking with Doctor Avery, he inferred that he needed more facts. Then, John left the room.

Jake wondered for a second why he hadn't been included in John's salutation to April, then, immediatly realized John had no idea that he, was John's biological father. Neither did any of the woman, thankfully.

It was as if Jake were mesmerized by the presence of John. Mesmerized he certainly was. He couldn't help it, all he ever dreamed about was having his own son. He loved April and Julie beyond words, but a son of his own was his deepest wish. Now here his son stood. And Jake was not given permission by this world to even acknowledge the fact.

Oh, what a rotten, asinine way to have to pay for those couple of minutes beside the golf course that night. Talk about karma, this is the worst karma in the universe. I can see with my own eyes that he is my son, but no one will ever know it, not even him; and if he were to learn it, he would do nothing but hate me...forever and ever.

I know that in his place, I'd do the same. We're supposed to respect our father, how could he ever do that? After learning about my own father that very awful night, him being a downright criminal, wife beater, and murderer, I could never respect him, let alone love him again. Maybe my punishment will be to just live with the facts, and no one else will know the true story. Not my son, most importantly not him.

MaryElizabeth would hate me forever if she ever found out. It might even kill her. I know it would kill our marriage, and that would break both our daughters' hearts, and of course, mine too. Oh, God, what have I done? I can't bear it, and I can't stand to think of what would happen if this ever came out. They say, or is it in the Bible that the truth will set you free? Not in my case. The truth will set me on a road to nothing but destruction and hell. I, myself, can't begin to think what awful things will happen if this truth were to be set free.

Jake heard John coming into April's room where Jake had been sitting alone, slumped over, thinking these horrid thoughts with his eyes semi closed.

"Hello, Mr. McArthur. Are you awake? You must have been here a long time, you look so tired. When will MaryElizabeth and Julie be coming back, do you know?"

"No, not really. I suppose in a couple of hours."

Then John added, "My parents are still waiting to see Doctor Avery in the waiting room. I'll go back there to them now. Just tell Julie and MaryElizabeth that I'll be back here when we're done with our meeting with the doctor. She is going to explain everything to us about the operation. Please, don't let on to April's mother and Julie that I might go through with the operation, because I don't know yet. First, I have to get the facts, and then, I'll come back and tell if it's a yeah or a nay, okay?"

Doctor Avery entered the room where John Edward Schumaker was sitting with his mom and dad, waiting for her to come speak to them. She explained the two surgeries to them. How the surgery to take the kidney from John and the one to implant John's kidney into April were both of equal seriousness, but that April might have more of a problem afterwards, because her remaining kidney could fail. However, in that instance, it was just about certain John's donated kidney would suffice.

She said, "All surgery is serious, I want you to understand. There is no 100% safe surgery, so be sure to go into this knowing how it could affect you, John. Afterwards, when you are healed, I see no problem whatsoever; but life never does guarantee us any particular outcome. You will be at a normal level of kidney wear, so to speak. You'll be instructed to take some precautions, though. They are diet and drink related. Be sure to follow those suggestions for the rest of your life. There are no set rules of 'do's or don'ts', just a lot of common sense suggestions. I'll leave you with a list of those now. First off, we will get your blood work-up today and make sure you're compatible with April."

John looked at his parents, begging them to make the humongous decision for him. He didn't know what to do, not really. Then, he remembered his dad telling him most of his life about a Power we all have within us that can and does help us with our lives, if only we will use it and ask it in times of need. He closed his eyes, putting a hand up for his parents and the doctor to wait a minute. Reflecting within himself, he actually asked the Power that was within him: "Should I do this." Instantly his answer came from deep within his heart and gut, YES.

Opening his eyes, he glanced at Doctor Avery and told her he'd get the blood work-up done right now, and he asked his parents to wait for him.

Doctor Avery suggested to the Schumakers that she'd take them into April's room, so they could see April while their son went off to the Lab.

Upon entering April's room, they looked over at the bed, seeing April lying there reminded both of them of an angel. Her blondish hair fell out of the plastic cap like a halo. Her beautiful face was smooth and calm. They looked at the man sitting slumped in the lounge chair over near the wall. He opened his eyes and stood up. The doctor introduced them all. She even introduced April to John's adoptive parents as his mom and dad, adding, "Remember, April, John was in here to meet you a little while ago. He's your long lost brother."

Jake smiled at the parents and thought: If they only knew who I really am, they would not be smiling. They might be stoning me to death right now. I've got to get ahold of myself. I'm letting my huge problem reflect on who I am when all I'm trying to do is just get through this life-changing event for April, not to mention for MaryElizabeth, Julie, and John too. God, help me. I have to be here for them. I've got to try to control this terrible guilt.

Chapter Thirteen

THE ANSWER

The next day, the Schumaker family was again at the hospital, waiting for the doctor with the results of John's blood work. She came into the waiting room, speaking as she walked in. "Well, John, it's a go-ahead for the transplant for April after you sign all the hospital release forms. Do you want to do that?"

John again closed his eyes and asked his Higher Power if he should have the surgery for April. The answer again was a thundering YES! The loudest answer he had yet received.

Opening his eyes, and first looking at his mom and dad, he said, "I'm going to do it." They rushed to his side, both hugging him close, and just about in unison, saying, "I love you John. We will be here for you, waiting."

"Just a minute," Doctor Avery said, "we need to get you scheduled for surgery. It will most likely be early in the morning, tomorrow. There's a whole big concert that has to be organized for the both of you before the surgeries. John, will you come with me to my office for the release forms?"

Both parents signaled to John that they'd wait for him and take him to his place. Since he had just graduated college this year and moved out, they'd drop him off at his new apartment.

Following the doctor into her office and sitting in front of her desk, John had an eerie feeling, not knowing why, and not getting any hint as to why he had just begin to feel weird. He looked at Doctor Avery questioningly.

She said, "I want you to know this before the actual surgery, John. I don't know how you will take it, but try to be mature about it, and don't do anything that you don't give plenty of thought to first. I know I'm sounding ominous, but this might be life changing for you. Whatever you end up doing with this information will be kept in strict confidence by me."

"What information could possibly be given me now at this late date that I don't already know?"

Doctor Avery had the Lab report in front of her along with a small stack of other slips of paper. She went on to say, "John, you and April are a perfect match. Not a near perfect match, but an actual perfect match. In all my years of performing surgeries, especially transplants, this has never, ever happened before, unless the people in question were true siblings."

John, giving her a confused look, said, "I don't really understand what you are trying to say, doctor."

"John, I'm telling you that you and April are truly full blood brother and sister. You have the very same mother and father. Most likely Julie does too; but since she wasn't of a legal age, I didn't test her blood. I looked at both Mr. and Mrs. McArthur's, and they are your true parents."

John answered, "Well, how can that be?"

"I'm not sure, John, but I thought you deserved to know before the actual surgery is performed."

"I don't see how it could affect the surgery, but I hear you telling me that, that that...my father is sitting there in April's room. Is that what you are saying?" He managed to stutter out the question in complete shock.

"Yes, my dear, that's what I'm saying according to these blood tests."

"How accurate are those blood tests?"

"They are one hundred percent correct, John. None have ever been wrong. Even the criminal courts use these tests for DNA."

"Well, I want you to do that for me, please. I just can't believe this. What is happening? It seems impossible. If this is true, my father raped my mother when she was only twelve years old. Oh, my God, what should I do? Do any of the others know about this? Does he even know it? He could have been drunk and in a black-out and not even know he's my father. Tell me, Doctor Avery, what should I do?"

"John, listen, it sounds like you still want to go through with this operation. So let's do that tomorrow morning. You come early so we can prep you. Don't eat anything tonight or drink anything after midnight. No alcohol at all either. Then, after the surgery the DNA tests I'm going to order today should come back; and at that time, if you want to confront someone about your parentage, you can do it with the correct information in hand. How does that sound to you?"

"Oh, all right, but I don't know how I'm going to get through the night. I'm really messed up now, but I'll wait for the testing to be done to make sure of the accuracy. I'd never want to drop a bomb like this without having all the facts, and believe me, it's a real bomb."

They parted ways, with Doctor Avery trying to give John a wan little smile and a shoulder pat, saying, "See you in the early morning John. I'm sorry I've upset you, but I had to do it, to give you a chance to walk away or not. Think deeply in the end about telling your biological mother or not telling her. There could be many repercussions. I am so sorry, really John, to have to give you this kind of information."

Later at home alone in his apartment, John paced back and forth, thinking he so wanted his biological father to be innocent of rape. Not being able to think of many scenarios for this to happen worried him to no end. Thinking he needed to get rest before going to the hospital in the morning, led him to take an allergy pill that usually made him drowsy. It worked so well that he was awakened by his alarm with barely time to shower before rushing out the door in time to get to the hospital.

After both surgeries were completed, Doctor Avery had a conference with both sets of parents to let them know how April and John had fared during and after their operations.

"It all went well, as far as we can see at this point. In a couple of days we will know more. John will be recovering a lot faster than April, and he'll be able to go home sooner, so don't get alarmed. He will need some looking after, though."

John's mom shook her head up and down with a knowing look, as if to say that she would make sure he was well taken care of.

"April will take a little longer and will be staying here at the hospital. I'm just about positive her new kidney from John will not be rejected. They are both young and that means ever so much in these cases. She will need care after she goes home also. Be sure to ask when any of you have a question we can help you with." Smiling, she left the room.

Groggy, but going in and out of consciousness, John kept remembering he had something terrible bothering him. His pain level in his stomach area kept him from putting his finger on exactly what was bothering him until a day or two after the surgeries. He had seen Doctor Avery coming in and going out of his room off and on, which nagged at his brain that whatever was bothering him had to do with her. Finally, she came in on the third day that he was in the hospital and shut the door behind her, which she had never done before. She sat down and began talking.

"John, I got the DNA testing back today. I rushed it through for you. There is no question about it, Mr. and Mrs. McArthur are both your true biological parents. Here is your paperwork which you have paid for, so this proof belongs to you, and to you alone. I don't know what you are going to do with the information, but I certainly wish you well, and I'll be here for you if you ever want to talk about it with me. I'm bound to never tell another person about what these papers reveal to you. So you can trust me to keep it to myself, always."

"Ok, I'll remember all you've said. Can you hand me that leather case over there so I can stash the papers in there. I'd hate anyone to find them while I'm asleep or drowsy. I haven't thought what to do with the information yet, but I do know that I don't want to tell MaryElizabeth, probably ever. I think she has been hurt enough."

"I'm glad to hear it, John. I think she has certainly had her share of heartbreak and pain. On the positive note you now know your sisters are your true sisters. That should make you happy to a large degree. Does it?"

"Oh, yes. I'm so glad to find them, all three of the females that I feel and know belong together with me. I'm still dumbfounded about my biological father, I just don't know what to think. I'm hoping he isn't as guilty as it looks like he is. Knowing he just found out about my existence only a few days ago is such a mystery, too. I just don't know who to tell, or what to do about it, if anything. Can't you tell me what you'd do?"

"No, John, I have never ever been confronted with a problem like this in my entire life, and I'm sorry that you have. I still think you ought to sit with it until you truly know what to do. I'll add that my mantra, like every doctor's mantra should be, is do no harm. So if you can think of a way to live with it and do no harm, you will be doing the right thing, I think. That probably didn't help at all, but I do try to live with that in mind at all times, like in the grocery store, behind the wheel, or here at the hospital; and mostly I watch my words. Such unforgivable harm can be done, and is done, with words that it's unbelievable that some of us can be called human."

"Thank you for sharing that beautiful truism. It really helps me a lot. I will keep it in mind over the next few weeks and months, and I hope over my entire lifetime. And if I am ever stumped, I will take you up on your invitation to come talk with you. Thank you so much for everything, Doctor Avery, in spite of everything, you have been a tremendous help."

After being discharged from the hospital and at home alone, John seriously thought what to do with his information. He studied the DNA tests for at least an hour, seeing that they fit perfectly after reading all he could about such tests after googling them on his computer.

His daily visitor, being his mom, never asked him what was bothering him, but she certainly could see that something was. She just took it that it was the entire adoption scenario, his new half sisters and his bio mother, and of course, his having major surgery. It made total sense to her that all this could make anyone seem like they're bothered.

Chapter Fourteen

JAKE ALLEN AND MARYELIZABETH

Having April back home was such a gigantic blessing for the McArthur household that everyone felt like a gigantic avalanche had been avoided. Since John was now also part of their lives, it seemed to MaryElizabeth, April, and Julie that all things were finally put right. John dropped by, even uninvited, like truly a member of the family. It made all three women so happy, seeing him become part of their family. He truly loved his sisters, knowing what he knew about them and his mother. John now begin to think of her as his mother and not his biological mother. His mom was still the mom he had known all his life prior to meeting the McArthurs. At first it was confusing, but now it seemed normal and somehow nice, like it should have been all along, except for his bio father.

John never came over in the evening. He didn't see Jake often, if he could help it, he only came when he knew all three woman would be home, mostly during the daytime. John knew Jake probably wondered what was up with him, but John surmised that since no one probably knew what had happened all those years ago, that Jake must not be too worried about any of his past. John just kept hoping his biological father had been in a blackout or something similar and that he, Jake, didn't even know or remember planting his seed inside little pre-teenager MaryElizabeth. Every time John's mind went there, he felt so confused, in pain, and sad for his mother.

MaryElizabeth had never been happier than she was at this time. She had her first born in her life and her girls. Jake was the best husband she could ever have hoped for. Since he found out about John, he had been so sweet, forgiving, loving and kind that she could hardly believe it. So many times John, the girls, and she had lunch or dinner together; or they just sat around in the living room, talking or watching TV. She felt her world was complete, whole, and shining. Not every minute, but compared to before John came, it was as different as night and day.

That big, dark secret she was carrying around with her for over twenty-four years must have been harder on her than she ever knew, because now she could tell the difference by how she felt, by how she smiled, and by how she laughed. Before she was so guarded, afraid, shy, and felt less than others. What a relief. She wanted everyone to tell their secrets, so they could feel like she did. One night, she even shared this idea with her husband in their room alone. He just about choked.

"Jake, don't you think everyone should tell their deepest, darkest secrets, so they will be free and happy?"

He had been drinking a glass of soda and choked on it, looking at her with fear and astonishment written all over his face.

"What is it, Jake, what's wrong, honey?"

"Oh, I just inhaled wrong and choked on this drink, sorry. In answer to your question, I have a question for you. What if someone's secret will really hurt other people badly and also hurt themselves?"

MaryElizabeth responded with, "Well, that's the position I was in, and when all my stuff came out in the open, it was all better. Before all of you knew about my rape, pregnancy, and John, it was hell for me, the only one it really hurt was myself, I thought. Don't you understand."

Jake surely did not understand due to his own guilt that was pulling him under with a vengeance. He thought he could and would never tell anyone. Not to find freedom or anything else that MaryElizabeth might have found.

He answered her, "I'm so glad you feel better, honey, and I can tell you are so much happier with all of us. Before it was as if somehow you seemed shut down, and I guess you were. It sure hasn't been easy for you, but finally you are free, and I understand your question when I see how you have changed. But, no, I don't think it would work for everybody for all things. Take a murder that someone was keeping from his wife for instance.

"Suppose a guy murdered his wife's brother or father, maybe even accidentally, but no one knew it was him. If he told his wife, she would then hate him and leave him. He could even have children with her and then, have to leave them too. You see, to tell could hurt people more than they are already hurt. Nothing would be worth it for the guy to tell. Since he is stuck in his secret, he probably thinks he will take it to the grave with him. And I believe he is already paying a high price for keeping it to himself out of love for his wife and family."

MaryElizabeth said, "I see what you mean. Everyone is so different, I guess. I thought you would leave me too, and look how it's turned out. You are a better husband and father than you ever were before I told my secret, or should I say, Julie told it. You're more patient and loving, not to mention you do more things with us all. I just wish you and John would be friends. You know, get closer to each other. He seems to never come over when you're home. But he assures me it's his schedule, and that he's not able to come at night. So, anyway, if you and John could be close, it would round out my happiness. Then, my life would be perfect."

"I don't think, honey, that our lives are meant to just be perfect. We need to learn from our mistakes, then, we will have compassion and even love for others. About John and I becoming closer, it's only common sense that he feels so much closer to all three of you since you are his biological mother, April and Julie are his half-sisters. He knows you are his blood, or at least half of it. I think that's it more than our hours of work and not being compatible."

"Jake, honey, you are most likely right. He's such a great guy; I just want you and John to be close as we all are. I guess I just want it all."

The lives of the Schumakers and the McArthurs seemingly went along smoothly for many months, stretching out to just about another year gone by.

April, well as before her sudden kidney failure, Julie, happy she got to the bottom of the secret, and both sisters, wonderfully happy that they now had a big brother to call their own; and he came to visit them so often.

John Edward seemed to settle into his new outlook on who he was and where he had been placed in life. He seemed happy and content.

MaryElizabeth singing as she dusted, cleaned her home, drove the car on the way to shop, to do some boring errands or jobs that she used to detest. Now nothing bothered her. She had John back, new friends in the Schumakers, and practically a new husband who cared for her beyond belief. He didn't even seem like the same man since the day Julie burst out her secret at the kitchen table that fateful day when April needed a new kidney.

The only person suffering was Jake. He seemed destined to do so. The more he got glimpses of John in passing, the more he saw his happy family, and the more he realized that he was missing out in life, the more he did suffer. He begin to make a habit of stopping by a bar close to his office every night after work. It seemed like he needed to be fortified with some alcohol before he walked in the door at home. Not knowing if he'd see John always gave him the jitters. Seeing how happy MaryElizabeth was disturbed him too, even though he was glad for her.

The very worst of his life was in the remembering. Remembering the terrible rape on that dark night would put Jake in an even greater nervous dither. He just HAD to stop for drinks before heading home if he were to attempt to overcome the remembering. It wasn't easy. At first, two drinks of whiskey worked well. As the weeks wore on, it took more and more alcohol before he could face his wife and daughters, not to mention if John happened to be there. If Jake saw John at home, just in passing, he would dig out his hidden bottle of bourbon whiskey from his tool box out in the garage. He really needed it. He was so afraid now, of everything.

One time after he had vacated the garage, Julie went directly out there, and Jake could see her in his mind's eye, see her digging into everything, trying to find her dad's hidden stash of alcohol. After that, Jake went out and re-hid his bottle, this time wrapping it in some rags. Then, he put the bottle inside an old spare tire that was up on top of a storage cabinet. Yeah, hard to reach, but he would only resort to drinking at home when he couldn't stand his sudden anxiety, his shakiness, his never ending remembering, and his fear of being found out as John's real father.

Jake came to see that John acted strangely when he was present. John hardly ever looked Jake directly in the face and never into his eyes. John never stood near him either, he would always move away if they happened to end up close to one another. None of these actions escaped Jake. All the minute nuances that were played out by his son etched upon Jake's brain, as if a burning brick had touched his brain cells. At those times, Jake had to drink alcohol.

Chapter Fifteen

ALCOHOLISM

Jake seemed to need more and more alcohol as the weeks turned into months. Now, he had no choice in the matter. Jake was thinking of it all the time, every moment of every waking day. He needed to drink alcohol to live; he felt it was his medicine. He couldn't do without his daily dose.

Okay, I'm only going to stop at Barney's Bar and have two drinks, tops. Then, I'll feel all right to go home.

Walking into Barney's is always such a big chore for me at the end of the work day, I can barely make it. I really have the shakes badly. My stomach hurts; my head hurts so much, and walking is painful. Oh, my God, just give me a drink. Please, don't play with me, Barney; you know I'm sick of your little tricks. I'll order a drink and you will give it to me, I pray. No funny stuff at my expense. Out loud, I'll say it, "Hi there, Barney, give me a bourbon and water, please."

"Okay, dokey, Jake. Will do in just a sec. I was just going to wait on these customers in back first. Be right there."

I'll bet you were. I don't believe you Barney, I'm thinking. Never dare say it out loud. He might not bring me my drink for minutes and minutes if I say anything out loud that doesn't suit him. Look at him visiting with that couple in the back booth. It's so dark in here I can't see their faces. Come on Barney already. Please God, make him hurry up.

"So, Jake, do you want the usual? Bourbon and water?"

"Yes, Barney, that's fine. How you doin' today? Like me, just the same ol', same ol'?"

"Yeah, Jake. Same ol' stuff as always. Well, here's your drink. Should I take it out of the ten?"

"Okay, yes, Barney, will you please bring me a straw too? Seems to work better that way."

Look at the ol' bastard, not bringing me my straw, and I have been ordering the same thing and asking for a straw every night for months. Never a straw!

Barney, you jerk, I NEED a straw, don't you get it? There's no possible way I can get this drink down my throat without a straw. Can you actually see that I'm sitting on my hands right now, because they are shaking so bad that I'd shake all the booze out of the glass if I picked it up and tried to get it to my mouth. Of course, you can see that. Stop playing with me, you hateful son of a bitch; I need this drink in me, not all over my suit and on the floor. What an awful bartender. Hasn't he run across a real drunk before? We need to drink. We need the stuff inside us. But how to get it inside is the trick. With the shakes, it takes a genius. So bring me the straw all ready, PLEASE.

"Oh, thanks Barney. I could use it, but can you just put the straw in the glass?"

He knows I can't pick up the drink with my hands; I'd spill it way before I got the straw into it. I can't even put the straw in the glass without tipping it over. What the hell, Barney, help, please.

Well, about time, with the straw. After two of these I'm good as new. I oughta start taking some booze with me to work and have a couple of swigs before I come over here just so I'll be able to pick up the drink without spilling it. I'm gona do that. Then, let's see how Barney treats me. He will know a new respect when I'm not shaking, and he won't play with me anymore. I'll show him.

Come to think of it, I'll start drinking in front of the family too. No use hiding it anymore. They seem to all know anyway. Each one of the ladies has mentioned my drinking to me and said that they smell booze on me. Funny, I never drank before the bomb hit. Now, I can't seem to stop. I must be an Alcoholic, I think that's the definition of one. Can't stop. Come on now, I have never even tried to stop. Oh, God, am I kidding myself? I try to stop every day, all day, so I can work, and it just about kills me. It's only for eight hours, but I'm about dead with craving by the time the eight hours are up. Then, I stumble over to Barney's for a bunch of drinks, so I can just get home.

At home, I discover my hidden cache in the garage is just about gone from my drinking the night before. Then, I have to worry about how to get out of the house to go get some more booze. I love it when MaryElizabeth asks me to go to the store for something. I can get a couple bottles of whiskey and stash them in the garage before I take the groceries inside. Garage remotes are great to be able to sneak stuff into the garage without people seeing.

My family has noticed me sleeping on the couch after dinner all the time. I can't seem to function as I used to function. And my wife wants me to make a doctor's appointment, because she's worried about me being so tired lately. I have wandered into a hole. Hole, hell, a deep well. I'm so far down there's no way up and out. Maybe I should go to the doctor; maybe a vitamin B12 shot will do the trick. Something has to help.

I've just about forgot why I'm drinking so much now. It used to be only when I thought about my secret and when I couldn't stop remembering that I sought the bottle to forget. Now, the bottle seeks me. The craving is insidious. Never stops. It's my hateful medicine. Without it I can't function, and with it I can't function. No wonder so many people like me die of alcoholism. And drug addiction too, but God help me to not get caught in that too. I say to myself, at least alcohol is legal. Big deal, it shouldn't be, but it's a killer just the same as meth, heroin, and prescription pain pills. Wow, I really need help. Why didn't I just tell MaryElizabeth I was the one that raped her, now this. I can't stop drinking, and it doesn't even take the pain away anymore. It does no good, it's expensive, my family is worried, and I will probably get fired from my job of fifteen years. Not fair. Not fair.

Well, nothing's fair, Jake. No one ever said it was. When you found out your dad was a true jerk that terrible night, look what happened. Now, when John finds out I was a terrible jerk too, what will happen to John? I have to halt this somehow. But how? There's no cure. I'm afraid to stop. I'm afraid not to stop, and I'm afraid of just everything and everybody. Never was like this in my life. My grandmother and mother were decent people, never ever taught me to be anything like this, a drunk. They were good people, they even gave me high self-esteem until the night I found out about my killer father...who got killed himself. And then, look what I did.

My head is spinning. I don't know how to shut it off. Hurts so much, I need a drink or a thousand drinks. Maybe that's not even enough.

I wake up, one more time with a rotten, head-splitting hang over. I try to get dressed and miracle of miracles, I do get dressed. After that, I'm getting on the rapid transit train after parking at the U-Park, all of it is horrendous. Now, I'm expected to get to work, actually think, look good, make sense, and produce. Don't know how much longer I can go on like this. So devastating. I'd rather die than keep on keeping on like this. I can't do it, I'm out a here. So I'll leave work, without even stopping off for a drink or ten, I'll go home.

MaryElizabeth sat at the table in the dining room, crying as I walked into the house. Her sobs were real and deep, heart breaking. I hoped it wasn't about me. I'd have to comfort her. Make a bunch of promises I knew I couldn't keep, like I'd stop drinking.

Her head was down on the table, she didn't even notice me. I grabbed a box of Kleenex that was on a small side table, put my arm around her as she jumped up, startled that anyone was home with her. She looked up at my face, stood there and cried, "Oh, Jake, I have some bad news for you. I just came from Doctor Jenson, I went there to get the results of some tests I had done last week. I didn't want to tell you until I knew the results. I'm sorry my love, I have a few months left to live. Cancer of the colon is what she told me. She doesn't even think surgery is in order, too far gone."

With that, she resumed sobbing on my chest as I held her close. I was stunned. Clearly, I could see everything wasn't about me, what a selfish ass I'd been, this last year of MaryElizabeth's life to drink it away. I felt so ashamed.

Hugging her closer, stroking her beautiful face and hair, telling her I love her, and trying to give her a little hope at least, meant all the world to me. I had to be here for her this time.

What brought me home? What was I thinking of doing, killing myself? Here the best person in the world was dying, and I had the audacity to think I could take a life, mine, when she was losing hers, and she didn't deserve to die at all. I deserve to die, I deserve every negative thing I've created, trying to outsmart my guilt.

I spoke to whatever IT is, mumbling, "God, help me."

From that moment on, I've not taken another drink of alcohol or any other mind altering drug. I had to stay sober for MaryElizabeth, for our girls, and yes, for our son, too. Asking IT to help me was the key, I think. Because IT did help me there and then.

It wasn't easy, but it was possible, because on the Internet I found some meetings that were being held close by that were designed for people like me who were addicts. At first, I went three times a day, taking six weeks off from work to do so. After the owner of our company found out about MaryElizabeth, he graciously gave me as much time off as I needed.

Now, that I stayed home all the time, John didn't make it over as often as he had been coming. So, I finally waited for him to come, and I sat all three of the children down to tell them about their mother's illness. Stricken with grief, they all wanted to know what they could do. I asked them to carry on as well as normal, trying not to make her feel uncomfortable. I also shared I had gone to the last appointment to see Doctor Jenson with their mother. There wasn't anything we could do, except she had invited us to get a second opinion. Trying to give them a little hope, I said we had an appointment for more tests with a specialist in the city. I think they knew it was false hope, though.

In spite of me being home all the time after hearing about his mother, John came everyday to see MaryElizabeth. The girls continued in their schooling, but were home each and every night. We all catered to MaryElizabeth's every whim. Never, ever begrudgingly, I might add.

John gives me the eye each visit, warily looking suspectfully at me. It might be my imagination, but it feels like he hates me. How could he, he doesn't even know me. I try to strike up conversations with him at each opportunity, but he looks away, mumbles and goes into his mother's room, or he starts to interact with his sisters. They in turn are worried, but so grateful I've stopped drinking, at least I think they are grateful.

Chapter Sixteen

AMENDS

I got a person to help teach me how to stop drinking and how to stay stopped, help was freely given at all the meetings too. I learned how to live life without alcohol and how to stay sober one day at a time. Then, we got to the place where I was supposed to make amends.

Oh, God, how was I to do this before my MaryElizabeth died? I needed so much to ask for her forgiveness, but I just couldn't do it, not yet. There wasn't time to wait around either. What was I to do?

After writing it all out, I sat with my Sponsor, Douglas, telling him all about my life. I actually spoke out loud the terrible truth of that night on the golf course so long ago. His response was that giving way to temptation has happened to lots of guys, that I needed to learn how to forgive myself, and that I wasn't as bad a person as I'd been feeling. The act was a terrible act, but to kill myself over it would be the worst thing I could do. I had to think of others, instead of always just about myself.

Douglas shared that to tell MaryElizabeth about me being the person who raped her would do her more harm than good. We learn to stop hurting other people just to make ourselves feel better, and we go on from there, doing the next right thing, only. The next right thing would be to stay quiet.

I looked at my character, and I could see I'd always tried to get the best of everything. Seeing for the first time how selfish I'd been my whole life, really hurt. I was ahead of the game in some ways, though, because I did know how to love. I loved my wife and daughters. And now, I had a son to love too, even though I felt I couldn't tell him he was my son, not yet.

MaryElizabeth passed over to the other side in the fall of 2016, she was only thirty eight years old. None of us would ever be the same; we were devastated to say the least. We knew from all the weeks we had sat with her by her bedside, that she wanted us to make as much of our lives as possible. The nearer she got to death, the more she was aware of the Spirit within herself. It was a miracle to be able to see her changing. I would never have thought death could be so beautiful.

All it took was the dying person to not be afraid. She wanted to transition to wherever she was going. She had no regrets, except the big one of not being able to know her son until it was nearly too late. I felt that was mostly my fault, but I got through it with the help of Douglas, and the others who were making successful lives now that they had stopped their addictions one day at a time. They were my new friends from the meetings.

After the well attended memorial for MaryElizabeth, we all went home to our house along with the Schumaker's and other close friends. Finally, getting through that day was a real relief. I never cried so much in my life. Neither had our children.

Much to our surprise, life did go on. John was now closer than ever to his two sisters. It seemed like he knew something the rest of us didn't know, though. Kind of a knowing little smile came across his face when he looked at April or Julie.

I observed him one day telling April how much he loved her. They didn't know I was home at the time. I stayed quietly out of sight eavesdropping. Her response was priceless: "You better love me, I'm part of you in more ways than one. I have your kidney, don't forget." They both laughed out loud at that.

"I love Julie just as much as I love you April."

"That's not hard to do, love her, that is. We both love you too, John. I wish you'd just move in with us now that mother is gone. I know father would love you to live here too. Do you see the way he looks at you? Father loves you, you know."

John's response really made me think hard. It was so surprising. He said, "I know he loves me, but I think it's been hard for him to live with himself for a long time. I am trying to just like him right now, let alone love him. April, I think you're a little confused about your father."

April said, "What do you mean. I'm confused. Mother never let on anything that was possibly wrong about father, and I think she would have, don't you? Is there something you aren't telling us, John?"

"Yes, there is, but I'm not ready to share it yet. Just give me a chance to heal more from our mother's death, and maybe I'll tell you later, April."

April was shocked that John could know something about her father that she didn't already know. To her, Jake was an open book. Never secretive. Even when drinking. After only drinking a short while, he drank openly at home in front of them all. That is until mother told him she didn't have long here on earth. Then, he stopped drinking so abruptly it was uncanny. Father sober was as different as day is to night, as him drinking. April detested alcohol now, because of her experience with her father's drinking. She could remember back to when her father had started drinking. Seemed to her his drinking all started when she was in the hospital or about when they met John. Wondering what brought on her father's round of drinking alcoholically, seemingly overnight, she accepted it was probably about Mother's rape, her own kidney transplant, and meeting John all in a matter of a couple of days. Maybe father wasn't the strong rock she had always made him out to be.

I'll have to see what Julie thinks, she thought.

When next April was with Julie, she related the entire conversation she had earlier with their half-brother, John. Julie's response also was that she didn't understand any of it. Especially, where John would get the idea their father was anything but forthright.

Julie said, "Let's ask him again in a couple of months. He may be ready to share with us what he was talking about. I'm sure he's not making something out of nothing. He's not like that. He must really know something we don't know, but he's afraid to tell us right now, so let's just drop it and enjoy each other's company."

Douglas, Jake's friend and Sponsor, who was trying to help Jake stay completely clean and sober, suggested Jake have a talk with all his children now that MaryElizabeth was gone. He might come clean with his secret and make amends to them by living and being the best father he could be.

Jake shied away from doing it, feeling so full of fear of being disowned by his children, and especially by his son, John. He didn't have the heart to tell, and he stayed close to the meetings that kept him disease free, away from his alcohol addiction. It wasn't hard for Jake to keep putting off the dire circumstances of the amend that Douglas suggested he owed his children.

Time after time, all four of the blended family seemed to accept one another. Spending holidays with the Schumaker's and also just with themselves, too, was such a blessing for the three siblings and Jake. They were accepted into John's family's home with open arms. John dared not say anything, not even to his mother about Jake and what Jake had done in his youth. It was hard keeping the secret that April's doctor had so burdened him with, so long ago.

John remembered that he just about slipped one time when April was bragging about how wonderful her dad was, that John did tell her only that one time, that he, John, didn't like Jake, and that he knew something about her father. That was a close call, but maybe he would tell his sisters about their father someday. Just not yet, it never seemed like the right time.

By now, John had figured out that Jake was just a young teen-ager when he raped their mother. Over the course of time John got the story out of Jake about Jake's father and what Jake's grandmother had told him about her son. It was a relief to Jake to talk openly about his father to his children, for the first time in his life, except for the times with Douglas, his Sponsor, who was helping him along with the continued meetings.

Strange too, not to be afraid to tell his children such awful things about his own father. He did it though, learning how to be honest and learning how to talk to people from the new habit of going to meetings of like minded people. Being honest was truly so freeing. He thought back to MaryElizabeth's question to him about secrets. She was right, it was very freeing. But still he wasn't hurting anyone with the awful stories of his own father, their grandfather. Or was he?

Chapter Seventeen

END OF EVENTS

One day in August, Julie, April, John, and Jake were all sitting out on the patio in the back yard, just relaxing, having a contented family dinner. Just being together felt complete somehow.

Jake, thinking that he would retire soon, wanted to talk about the future to his children. They were all listening as he told them of his plans to slow down and try to enjoy himself, and that he was quitting work. He wanted their input as to how things would go for them after his retirement.

Julie was always the first one to speak up, "I think it's great, you deserve to rest, you've always been such a hard worker. What do you mean you need our input to know how things will be when you're retired and home all the time?"

Jake said, "Just that. If I'm home all the time, will I be underfoot too much? Do you need me to do chores? Which ones? I'm learning to communicate since I've stopped drinking, and I just want to talk about family stuff now, that's what I mean."

April was next, "You're wonderful for volunteering to do chores. Yes, I think we should make a schedule for you to make dinner about three times a week. We'll clean up on the nights you make dinner, and you can clean up on the nights we cook dinner. Each one of us will have a night, including you, John, if you want to. That's not necessary though, because we want you to come anytime without thinking you have to bring dinner or that you have to clean up the kitchen afterwards. Also, Father, can we expect to have more family outings? We all love being out on the water in the boat."

Next John spoke up, saying, "I think it's great you are retiring. Now, maybe you will be able to relax and just do you. Go out, you know, on a date...meet someone, have fun."

Jake gave a big smile at his children, still wishing John knew he was his real father just as much as he was April's and Julie's. His life would have been complete. Wishing he'd had John with MaryElizabeth and then his two daughters, instead of starting his life with an act of violence, pain, and misery. Regrets. What a thing to think about. Jake had plenty. He knew his life was coming to an end and didn't know how to handle his secret anymore.

Douglas continued to stress the best route to take was always the path of honesty.

Jake thought himself a chicken, even a gutless wonder, because of what all three children would end up thinking of him, when and if he ever told them the truth. He didn't think he could bare it if they knew the whole truth of John's birth. His mind went round and round in circles. Maybe he wasn't going to ever get any peace, he just couldn't tell. Well, he'd make the best of it, so he made sure to take care of John in his will...equally with his two daughters. He knew then that no one would question his intentions, since he'd be dead.

Going to his attorney, Jake had a will drawn up giving each of his three children one third of his wealth, which was a handsome amount of money along with the home the girls had known all their lives. John would inherit a third of the proceeds of the house and grounds just the same as April and Julie. Unknown to his children, there were dividends from stocks that had accumulated over the years. None of the three would want for anything after Jake's death.

It worried him that none had married yet, but they were set in their choices of careers so far, which was a good thing Jake thought. The only reason Jake wished for marriage for his children was so he could have known grandchildren. He reasoned with himself that he was content with what he already had in life, and with whom he had known in life, especially MaryElizabeth.

Forever, he'd be sad about the ultimate deception he had pulled on her, knowing there was nothing he could do about it now. Healing up his magnificent mistake was too much for him at this late date, so he decided to just try and live with it. Only at uncertain times, Jake fell into a sad depression over his past; but because he was relatively happy, it seemed to pass faster than when he first found out about MaryElizabeth being raped...by him.

The day came when the children's father suffered a fatal heart attack while out on the lake, boating. All three were there with him. They were able to get Jake to a hospital as fast as possible. At least, he hadn't been alone in his boat, as he often was lately, he loved being out on the water.

There was nothing that could have been done to save his life.

Chapter Eighteen

THE CIRCLE

Sadly, they all went to the reading of Jake's will together after struggling through the funeral, and then, having an ashes ceremony for Jake's ashes spreading them out on the lake where he loved to be alone on his boat with his thoughts.

Seated in the lawyer's office; shock showed on each of Jake and MaryElizabeth's children's faces as they were read the extent of their father's wealth.

April and Julie had asked John to come with them, thinking they needed him for moral support only. When hearing their father had given John a third of his worldly goods, they looked up in disbelief.

Afterward at home in the living room, April mentioned she wondered at their father's generosity towards John.

Julie spoke, "I think it's wonderful of father to include you John, but like April, I am wondering about his reasoning. It seems like such a generous amount for someone who's not a blood relative. Not that you aren't one to us John, but do you understand it yourself, John? Why father would divide everything in thirds?"

"I was afraid this might come up on this day, so I brought along something that I've had for a very long time, in fact, practically ever since the day I met you two. Doctor Avery gave me my blood test results and the DNA tests, including our mother and father. You notice I did say both mother and father? I have been in a quandary for years, not knowing how to handle this information. I even went to see Doctor Avery a few times over the years, thinking she would, or could give me some good advice. Every time, her advice was to wait. So, wait I have, until today. I do want you two sisters of mine to know that you are my true sisters from both our mother and father. I see unbelief on your faces, but, your father is really my biological father also."

April reached over to get the documents and to read them. Looking at them over her shoulder, Julie looked beyond shocked.

April said, "That means father was mother's rapist. I can't believe it. I'm not able to comprehend such a thing, not really."

Julie added, "That dirty bastard, how could he? I hate him. I'll never forgive him; he sure had us all fooled."

John interrupted, "No, no, don't think like that. You mustn't. I won't let you. Think of all the years he has been a perfect father for you two. Even the years I have known him have given me so much insight into how much he must have suffered. You remember back, he didn't even drink any alcohol until he found out about our mother's rape. Then, it must have occurred to him that he was to blame for it, and he must have lived in hell for many years over this entire subject. Don't you think he has paid?

"We have to forgive him so we will be free of it too, once and for all. You both can't imagine how many times I wanted to strangle him the first few years because I knew about him. That was until he started telling us all about his own father. How sad for him to learn in his early teenage years that his dad was such a monster. Probably around the time he raped our mother. Something tells me it all ties together. We don't even know our grandfather's story. He may have been a victim of some kind too. Bullies don't just appear. Neither do murderers and rapists. I think they are made mostly by environment and by happenings, you know...circumstances.

"I forgave him a long time ago. I'll give you two a few days to think this over. Now I'll leave you alone with your private thoughts; and when I come back, we can all talk this over. One thing he did teach me by all this is that, if we don't learn to talk to each other, we do create hate, pain, and malicious behavior. We have to communicate or be lost. I'm sure our father felt lost during his alcoholism and actually every since he found out he was the very one who raped his own beloved wife when she was but a little girl. I'm sure he felt like hell about it every minute of every day since the day he learned of it. At first, I thought he might have been in a blackout, binge drinking or something, but then, I found out he didn't drink at all before I met you all.

"On a positive note, I'm so happy, I can't even tell you how happy I am that we all three are full blood siblings. Just what I always wanted. This is why I have been around here all these years, sticking to you two sisters like glue. I knew we were real siblings. No step to it, as in step-brother and step-sister. I couldn't love you Julie and April any more than I do today, and for your information, I couldn't love my real mother and father any more than I do today either. It was an honor and a privilege to have them in my life. Yes, both of them.

"I am so thankful, April, that you needed my kidney. I'm so glad Julie, you had the guts to blurt out to our parents what you had found in their closet. I love that story. Then, you found me. I gotta go before I start blubbering. I love you, bye bye."

Not even a day later, April called John to come back to the house, so they could all talk together.

Sitting again around the kitchen table where the little family felt the most comfortable, each drinking a cup of coffee and eyeing the snacks in the center of the table, now was the time to discuss their father.

Julie was the first to start speaking, "I'm still not over what father did, and I think for me it will take more time, but I acknowledge I do love him and that I always have loved him. I hate the act, not the actor, as his very own principles taught us to think. I, too, am positive neither of our parents knew one another by sight until they met and married a short time after meeting one another, for the second time, unbeknownst to either of them.

"In other words, that night in the dark when it happened neither one of them saw each other's face. Mother didn't know, I know for sure, because she shared that with us, on the police report, and in her diary. She, early on, told me she had only had sex with one man in her life and that it was father. This was way before she admitted to having you John. So, little did she ever know that she didn't have to actually lie about that statement, it was definitely true that she never did have sex with anyone other than our father. She told us that story so we'd stay virgins until marriage, was what I thought at the time. I'm still trying to comprehend it, to be honest. I, too am so glad you are our full brother, John. I couldn't be happier about anything in the whole world."

After waiting patiently for Julie to end her sharing, April started, "Me too, John, I'm thrilled you're our full blooded brother. I'm glad father made that clear to you, and now, to us by treating us all equal in his will. Now, we will always have each other for the rest of our lives totally and not just by sharing a mother and for me a kidney, too. It's just so unbelievable that it all happened like it did. The sequence of events are very astounding. Who'd believe it, if we told them?"

John said, "There's one thing I can clear up. Our father truly wasn't half bad, except for that one time in his life. As I said, I think he was so upset that night, he was acting out his anger or lack of control. He was never violent in the least before that night.

"Another thing he told me, when I was getting ready to go out on a date. A date-date. He also said that he had never been with another woman besides our mother in his entire life too. And he told me how much he loved her and would never do anything to hurt her. I just thought he was trying to talk me into not trying to have sex with my date, but I know now, he was trying to tell me between the lines, he knew he was the one that raped mother, and she was the only person he ever had sex with. I value that in him. But I don't think he knew it until he was aware it was she that he had raped.

"What a development for two people that we love, and for you to find this all out after they have both died. Yes, the sequence of events couldn't have been more perfect or terrible, it just depends on how you look at each event. I'm sure father never, ever told mother he was the rapist, because he thought it would hurt her too much; and of course, after she was diagnosed with cancer, he wouldn't have told her. I'm so glad he didn't. It gave her last days comfort to have things go along better in her life than they had ever been. Finding me made her life complete. She told me it brought her so much joy. She told me, herself over and over. She said it tied up so many loose ends for her. Can you imagine how her life would have been shattered had her husband told her he was the one who raped her those many years ago?

"I have to hand it to him for doing the right thing. For getting sober, keeping on attending his meetings along with the instructions, and doing service for other suffering alcoholics and addicts. I know he was deeply bothered about that one night for the rest of his life after he was aware of all the harm he'd done. I did make him aware that I was very happy being raised by the Schumaker's, that they were the best parents ever. He looked so sad when I told him that.

"After getting the DNA tests from Doctor Avery, I was so angry at him I just wanted to kill him, but since getting to know him and what a straight forward, honest man he was, I begin to first like him, then actually love him.

"Before he died, in fact, the day before we went boating with him, which was the day before his final day, I did tell him that I loved him. He looked slightly shocked at first, then relieved, and then, he told me he loved me too. I think he was waiting to hear me say those words before he could leave this earth. Maybe he was even relieved and wanting to be with Mother."

All three children of Jason Allen and MaryElizabeth stood up in unison. Gathered together with arms outstretched, then hugging each other, having a long group hug. Each said, practically at the same time, gazing at one another: "I Love you."

About the Author

Winona Wendy Joy was raised along with five sisters in Portland, Oregon. For the majority of her life she has lived in the Northwest and Hawaii. Recently, she and the love of her life, author/writer David Seed have retired to the beach at Lincoln City, Oregon.

Winona and David enjoy walking on the beach and giving service to their community.

Sequence of Events is the fifth inspirational book Winona has written.

Discover other titles by Winona Wendy Joy

They Should'a Just Killed Us  
Marnie  
Love Runs Thru It  
BEAR
