

Fitting in

### A Ba'al Teshuvah's guide to the Orthodox world

### Kurt Stein
Smashwords Edition

Copyright © 2015 by Kurt Stein.

All Rights Reserved.

This ebook is licensed for your personal use only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. Thank you for respecting the work of the author. No part of this book may be reproduced or used in any manner without the express written permission of the publisher or author, except for brief quotations.

The cover art cannot be reproduced and/or reused in any way, except by the express written permission of the author.
Table of Contents

Foreword

What you can expect from this guidebook

Introduction: putting everything into perspective

SECTION 1: THE SUBTLETIES OF BEING A HOLY NATION  
Chapter 1: The Unwritten Rules of the Unspoken Words

Chapter 1A: Modesty/Tznius – Holy, but Private

Chapter 1B: Evil Eye/Ayin Hara – It's All About Sensitivity

Chapter 1C: The Power of Speech- 'Bris Kerusa Le'sfasayim

Chapter 1D: Lashon Nekiya (Refined Speech)

Chapter 1E: PDA's Public Displays of Affection

Chapter 2: Becoming a Person of Refined Actions

Chapter 3: Spirituality in Business and Interpersonal Relationships

SECTION 2: NUGGETS

Chapter 4: Your perspective on what is important may change

Chapter 5: Why many Orthodox men don't wear wedding rings

Chapter 6: Do I have to dress like a penguin?

Chapter 7: Orthodox people socialize differently than secular people.

Chapter 8: Treat your in-laws like your best client.

Chapter 9: Why it is easy to feel judged initially and why the feeling will pass

Chapter 10: The key to happiness: Have lots of children!

Chapter 11: The importance of maintaining close relationships with your non-religious relatives.

Chapter 12: Kurt's "How to" guide on staying close with extended family

Chapter 13: How to take advice.

Chapter 14: Just because your child became Orthodox, doesn't mean they don't need you.

Chapter 15: How to find a Rabbi or mentor that works for you.

Chapter 16: Protect yourself

Chapter 16A: Dating and Marriage

Chapter 16B: Business and Money

Chapter 17: Making a Wedding (Chasuna)

Chapter 18: Why are Orthodox Jews so confident in their life choices?

Chapter 19: How much do you have to fit in? It depends on you.

SECTION 3: CUSTOMS

Chapter 20: Shabbos Customs

Chapter 21: Holiday Customs

Chapter 22: Lifecycle Customs

SECTION 4: APPENDIXES

Appendix 1: Biographies of Contributing Writers

Appendix 2: A request for interesting BT stories and a disclaimer

Appendix 3: Please use this book in conjunction with your Local Orthodox Rabbi

Appendix 4: Glossary

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

# FOREWORD

by Rabbi Ahron Lopiansky

The Jewish Torah consists of two parts, the Written Law and the Oral Law. The Oral Law is widely assumed to refer to the Talmud which has actually been printed an innumerable amount of times.

It was necessary to write down the Oral law because about two millennia ago the political and physical condition of the Jewish people had deteriorated terribly. It was feared that in the ensuing generations the Oral Law would be completely forgotten. It was, therefore, considered appropriate to commit the Oral Law to writing.

While this is technically correct, it is not the full description of the events that transpired. If the Oral Law is such a central feature of the Torah, how could it have completely disappeared? The Midrash tells us many times that the covenant of Torah with the Jewish people is specifically through the Oral Law. This could not have changed, and in fact did not change. To explain how the Oral Law still exists, requires answering a different question, why is it that the Torah was given through two mediums?

Why, indeed, both a Written Law and an Oral Law?

The answer to that question is that either medium alone would have resulted in a faulty transmission of the Divine Will. Just like a stereo system needs two different inputs, in order to faithfully reproduce the original sound, and a three dimensional film needs two different views to correctly transmit the original scene, so too does the Divine Will need the two mediums of an Oral Law and a Written Law to faithfully convey the Divine Will. Writing has a concrete and precise resolution, but it lacks spirit and emotion. Oral messages are nuanced and inspired but are vague and amorphous.

Therefore G-D conveyed Torah to us through two channels: the Written and the Oral.

The Written Law's preciseness is down to the level of letters and vowels. Excruciating care was exercised to ensure that the transmission would be letter perfect. Every Torah scroll is checked and rechecked against a reputable scroll. A system for tracking peculiar grammatical usages known as the Mesorah was instituted.

But this is the lifeless part of Torah. How to understand and live this Torah can never be contained in frozen words. On the other hand, it can't be that any interpretation is acceptable because if that were correct, then we have reduced the Torah to a meaningless Rorschach blot. Everyone will interpret the words to mean that which is advantageous and comfortable for them. The Robin Hoods will qualify stealing as applying only from poor people. The Hitlers will define murder as not applying to subhuman races.

Thus G-D gave us only part of the law in written form. The greater part of it would have to be learned from a living, breathing Rabbi. This would ensure that the Torah would be transmitted not only in letter but in spirit as well. This is the reason that an inordinate amount of emphasis is given to the Rabbi-talmid relationship. One must learn only from a Rabbi who is like an angel. One must try and repeat one's Rabbi's teaching as verbatim as possible. Many times an Amorah or Tannah is described as the disciple of so and so. An extraordinary amount of law is dedicated to the appropriate relationship between the Rabbi and his disciple.

When Maimonides describes the unbroken train of transmission of Torah, he describes every single teacher, even those mentioned in the Bible. If Maimonides was simply trying to prove the veracity of Law, then he needed only to bring us up to the end of the Biblical era. Certainly the Bible, a written document, would be a more reliable source of history than an oral tradition. Maimonides, however, is trying to show the human element of tradition; Rabbi to disciple, Rabbi to disciple, and so on.

This can never be replaced by the written and frozen words. It is only when one studies from a Rabbi, who himself has studied from a Rabbi that one gains a glimmer of the original intended understanding, and one's soul resonates with a harmonic of the original melody.

This relationship is called "shimush talmidei chachamim", and is considered in many ways more important than studying itself. Some people translate "shimush" as a kind of helping or serving. But its correct interpretation is "apprenticeship." It is the most crucial element of study because it is the key to the understanding of everything else.

We can perhaps discern three areas where this is relevant: The first is in the defining of certain essential halachic criteria. Thus, when the Shulchan Aruch rules that one is allowed to do x or y in case of great duress; What is great duress? It says that one should pray with great devotion. How does that appear in reality? It says that one should be very cautious with regard to Chometz. What is "very cautious" and what is obsessive-compulsive? Only living and experiencing it will answer those questions.

The second area is more elusive than the first, and it deals not with specific legal issues but rather with a sense of balancing the whole Torah. The Torah consists of many bits and pieces that somehow have to fit together. For instance, the virtues of studying until late at night are extolled, midnight lamenting for the destruction of the temple is exalted, studying before dawn until after sunrise is an important spiritual activity, and sleeping during the day is frowned upon. When does a person sleep? Which activities are meant for everyone and which for the extraordinary? Does a person give primacy to Torah, prayer or helping other people?

There is a third area even more elusive than the first two, and that is the expression of Torah values in areas of life that we would consider neutral. A person's choice of clothing, celebrations, recreations, etc. express his attitudes and values. Does a person wear formal or casual attire? Are weddings private or public events? Are birthday parties appropriate? These have no real halachic description yet they are powerful expressions of the content of Judaism.

The fact that all of the above are not halachic issues does not diminish their importance. For these fill our life.

Our generation is a generation like no other previous generation. Young men and women raised in almost total alienation from Judaism are returning back to the Torah of their forefathers. But it is a generation that has not seen nor felt the experience of Judaism in person. Most people cannot remember a grandfather, or even a community, that was actually observant.

This has led to what society calls "the Ba'al Teshuvah syndrome." This describes a person whose technical details of observance are correct, but there is a disjointed quality to his Torah practice. He is right in the details, but wrong in the general picture.

Rabbi Wolbe of blessed memory writes in his introduction to Alei-Shur that the reason for writing his work, is because of the lack of a generation from whom one can learn firsthand the mores of Torah Judaism. He writes that a person can go through life observing the laws and studying the Torah, yet remains an outsider, because he never had a human role model.

Rabbi Gifter of blessed memory described this issue in a similar way. A great family crisis had occurred in Yerushalayim. Many attributed the crisis to a lack of understanding about the Torah perspective on Jewish family life. Rabbi Gifter was asked to address a large public gathering. "Today we have a generation that studied its Judaism from books and not from scholars. The Telse Rav, had two entrances to his home. One, at his study, and one at the main part of the house. Talmidim usually entered through the study but a few times a year they would come into the main part of the house. The purpose of those visits was to study the Rosh Hayeshiva himself, to see how he conducts his family life."

It is almost oxymoronic to write a "book" that tries to convey the Oral Law. However, the reality today is that many returnees find their way back without the benefit of a proper environment. The purpose of this guidebook is to help fill in the blanks and provide a framework to help direct the new Ba'al Teshuvah.

# WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT FROM THIS GUIDEBOOK

This pocket guide is for you if you are past the "I need to be convinced" stage and you find yourself spending more and more time in the Orthodox community.

A switch has flipped in your mind, and as opposed to viewing yourself as a non-Orthodox person who is incorporating Jewish values in your life, you are beginning to feel a combination of:

● A desire to jump in with both feet, because you really see the spiritual beauty and sense of community that is part of the Orthodox world and/or

● "Hey, there really is a G-d, and although he and I get along very well and I know he accepts me for who I am, He did write the Torah and certainly has at least some objective standards of Jewish behavior. Although he hasn't mentioned it yet, I feel it is time to do more."

This book covers a broad range of topics. I don't think everyone will appreciate their relevance at every stage of growth. However, I do believe that if you ask your Orthodox friends, they will agree that many of these topics will become important to you as your journey continues.

# INTRODUCTION:

PUTTING EVERYTHING INTO PERSPECTIVE

If you grew up in America and I asked you what was more popular, the Super Bowl or the World Cup (and you couldn't Google it) you would probably say the Super Bowl. After all, boys play Peewee football from an early age, in many communities High School football is the Friday Night activity, most college football Bowl games are on national television, and the Super Bowl is an event that you almost have to have "plans" for.

However, the answer is that almost one billion people watched the World Cup in 2015 and "only" 114 million watched the Super Bowl. For all of its celebrity status, the Super Bowl is not even a competitor to the World Cup.

Despite all this, other than helping you with Trivial Pursuit, it really won't benefit your life to know the difference.

However, just like everyone would look at you funny if you suggested a business meeting during the Super Bowl, they would also look at you funny if you suggested one during the finals of the World Cup, or -- to bring the point back to Judaism -- on Tisha B'Av, the saddest day of the Jewish year. Everyone knows that you push off business until after Tisha B'Av.

If I were to tell you that The National Enquirer and The Wall Street Journal were equally valid newspapers, you couldn't really argue. After all, they both have sections on scientific discoveries, they both discuss the important topics of today, and they are both widely distributed with major companies as advertisers. If you didn't know better, you could get all your news from The National Enquirer.

When you play golf, and your competitor tees off, it is totally inappropriate to make any noise, start up a conversation, or say "whiff it!" Golf is a gentlemen's game. Even the crowd is silent. If you make noise, you have embarrassed yourself.

However, when you are playing college basketball and you are about to take a foul shot, the opposite team and its fans do whatever they can to distract you. There are no rules that explain that in basketball, we can distract the player, and in golf, we let the player concentrate, but we all know that is how it works.

The Orthodox world has its own culture and much of it is more subtle than sports or newspapers. The many Ba'al Teshuvah's who enter the Orthodox world are missing 20-30 years of experience on how a Jewish home runs, how communities and people interact, the emotional energy and cycle of the year, how nuclear and extended families operate, and how to integrate the additional layer of Judaism which permeates almost every aspect of an Orthodox person's life. This guidebook aims to explain some of this.

#

SECTION 1:

THE SUBTLETIES OF BEING A HOLY NATION

by Rabbi Avraham Steinberg

(List of examples added by author)

# Chapter 1:

The Unwritten Rules of the Unspoken Words.
Introduction

I've learned so much about Jewish laws and customs, yet I had no idea that what I said was inappropriate. There is only one thing worse than discovering that what you just said was offensive to the person to whom you were speaking with: discovering that what you just said was offensive - period!

Either, or both, of these unpleasant experiences can befall a person who has joined the Torah observant community, has learned the basics of Halacha, but has not been taught the subtleties of what sort of speech is taboo or inappropriate according to Torah hashkafa (perspective)(3).

A word of clarification before we begin: There are some common expressions used by Orthodox Jews that derive not from Torah, per se, but have simply become part of our "culture" with the passage of time (4). It is not the primary goal of this essay to address such matters.

To be sure, there is some variation in modes of speech from one group to another. For instance, there may be sensitivities of speech in Chasidic circles that do not exist in Misnagdic or "Yeshiva" circles, or vice versa, and we will note some such differences. But it is the core principles – common to all Observant groups – that are most important.

There are numerous topics of conversation that would be considered appropriate and normal in general society, but – surprisingly, to some people – are "off limits" for Observant Jews. Many, perhaps most, such topics fall under the following four categories:

Tznius (Modesty)

Ayin Hara (Evil Eye)

Bris Kerusa Le'sfasayim (The Power of Speech)

Lashon Nekiya (Refined Speech)
Chapter 1A:

Modesty/Tznius – Holy, but Private.

Holy...

The Jewish view of the physical relationship between husband and wife is very different from that of the world around us. Consider the fact that many curse words refer to sexual acts or organs and you have a very telling commentary on how our society views the physical relationship between man and woman – as something prurient.

Torah sources, however, give us a starkly different picture. The mitzvah of procreation is described as engaging in G-d's work (5), and the relationship between man and woman as an essential process in each gaining completion. Physical intimacy is thus portrayed as a holy act (6).

... **But Private**

This distinction between the Jewish view of intimacy and that of other cultures is a very important one and it is very often presented in outreach seminars. It is, after all, thought provoking, and a "breath of fresh air" for people who have become disillusioned by the empty promiscuity of our society.

But the inextricable corollary to the above concept is often not taught – or, at least not fully so – to the person starting out. That is the extreme sense of privacy attached to all matters relating to physical intimacy in Jewish teachings. This concept extends not only to how we act but how we talk.

Rabbi Chanan son of Rava said: Everyone knows why the bride goes to the Chuppah (marriage canopy) but anyone who profanes his mouth (to say it), even if it had been decreed that he should be guaranteed seventy good years, it will be reversed for bad (7).

"Come on, everyone knows" is not legitimate grounds for discussion according to the Torah. The Torah prohibits any act or utterance that spawns erotic thoughts. (8) What we talk about is just as important as how we talk about it.

Various halachos illustrate the extent of this sensitivity.

Appropriately, women have the custom to hide what night they visit the mikvah (9), by not making a commotion of their travel, so that the others not become aware of it.

One who is not wary of this -- of her does it say "Cursed is the one who sleeps with an animal" (10). (This is clearly a metaphysical concept, no one is suggesting that since animals copulate in public that a person who doesn't hide the night of the mikvah is doing the same thing.)

The Torah takes the notion that a Jewish married couple should not do or say anything that causes others to think of the physical side of their relationship very seriously. The Shulchan Aruch mentions a commonly held practice of extending this even to matters that would not cause erotic thoughts in others (11).

It seems almost a violation of this concept itself to illustrate with a specific example. However, as one of the great rabbis of the Talmud said in defending his open inquisitiveness into the Torah's way in intimacy: It is Torah and I must learn it! (12) Thus:

While in the secular world it may be perfectly acceptable for a couple celebrating the birth of a child to discuss the challenges they faced in conceiving, in the "frum" world this would be considered highly inappropriate material for public discussion.

(Certainly, to discuss such matters with doctors, rabbis, and confidants who can lend necessary support, would be appropriate and should be encouraged. It is gratuitous public discussion that is taboo.)

No PG-17 in the Torah

A further point of distinction between the Torah's view and that of other cultures toward physical intimacy is that the Torah has no "PG-17". In the world at large it is only children who are sheltered from the provocative – perhaps because they are not mature enough to know what to do with such thoughts, or perhaps because of the fear that they may embarrass their parents by saying something risqué at the wrong time or place. According to the Torah, while certainly children need extra general care and attention, pornography is no more acceptable for the adult then for the child! This concept dispels the notion of "adult" conversation. If it's inappropriate, it's inappropriate for adults as well as children.

These themes relating to tznius in how we speak are deserving of serious attention because the more permissive the world around us becomes, the less sensitive we become to this very important Torah hashkafa.

##  Chapter 1B:

Evil Eye/Ayin Hara – It's All About Sensitivity.

Rav visited the cemetery. He did whatever he did [i.e., he utilized spiritual powers to determine the cause of death for all those interred. (Rashi)] He said, "Ninety-nine percent because of the evil eye/ayin ra'a, and one percent naturally!" (13)

If the subtleties of tznius in speech are sometimes lost on the novice to Judaism, the concept of ayin hara is often lost on him or her entirely.

When a Jew receives blessing from G-d he is obligated to express his thanks. On the other hand, however, we are strongly exhorted not to flaunt the blessings we have in ways that will make less fortunate people feel jealous. Be it health, wealth, or family, we are warned not to rub salt in the wounds of those who are not our equals in enjoying the blessings of life.

The Talmud gives shocking and chilling descriptions of the harm that may be incurred by someone who rouses the jealousy of another – that is, who brings ayin hara on himself (14).

At first blush, this may seem somewhat backward: Isn't the one who is jealous the sinner (Thou shalt not covet), not the one of whom he is jealous? Why is the latter the one who is punished? The commentators, however, give us a very beautiful explanation of ayin hara (15):

It's about sensitivity. If a person is able to flaunt his good fortune, it means he is not mindful of those who are less fortunate. He lacks empathy. When a person who found a spouse easily, or who has been blessed with children, speaks of these blessings haphazardly in the presence of someone who has long suffered waiting for the realization of these experiences, he inflicts tremendous pain. It is this insensitivity that gives ayin hara its power.

The defense against the ayin hara therefore is to always be sensitive to the less fortunate, and to be especially benevolent with the blessings G-d has given you.

A practical application:

You may discover that one of the unwritten rules of the Orthodox community (the scope of whose application varies slightly by sect) is that we do not prepare materially for the birth of a baby. The purchase of a crib, clothes, etc., is generally reserved for after the birth. We take the rule of "Don't count your chickens until they're hatched" quite seriously.

In Chassidic (and some non-Chassidic) circles it can be considered inappropriate to say how many children you have.

There are two related practices that actually have independent reasons:

Finding out the gender of the fetus - Some refrain from finding out the gender of an unborn baby. This is not so much a matter of ayin hara, but based on a Midrashic notion that this is supposed to be one of the mysteries of life (16).

This is not however, a universal practice, and even to the degree it is observed, it may be overridden in some circumstances (17).

Discussing the name you intend to give your unborn/newborn child – There is a prevalent custom that expectant parents do not discuss with others what name they are planning to, or thinking of, giving to their child.

This runs counter to the Arizal's teaching that there is a degree of Divine inspiration in the name the parents choose (18).

Examples of being concerned about Ayin Hara:

a) A recently deceased matriarch of a large, well-known family, who passed away in 2014 in her late 90's, had a picture of her sons and separate picture of her daughters, she didn't want anyone to see a picture of all the children together.

b) Certain families won't put family portraits in the public areas of the house; for example the living or dining room, instead family pictures are placed upstairs.

c) Certain families won't dress the kids in the same exact matching outfits or walk them all together.

d) Certain people will almost never say the amount of grandchildren they have.
Chapter 1C:

The Power of Speech- 'Bris Kerusa Le'sfasayim.

One of the ubiquitous principles of the Talmud is that words have immense power, whether for good or for bad, the things that we utter can become like prophecies. For this reason we should generally speak positively and not negatively. There are several subcategories of this rule. Among them:

**1.** **Al Tiftach Peh LaSatan**

Al Tiftach Peh LaSatan (Don't open your mouth to Satan) means that one should not say something that is self-condemning. The Halacha says (19) for instance that a person who is in mourning over the loss of a loved one should not say, "I have sinned a thousand times more than the degree to which G-d has punished me." Although this may sound like a humble and penitent statement, it is "over the top" and not appropriate.

Examples of Al Tiftach Peh LaSatan:

a) Many people won't say the word cancer. In Europe it was called the machalah- "the sickness."

b) A friend of mine once said, "I'm not worried, I am healthy," to his Rabbi. The Rabbi had a visceral reaction and told him "Don't say that." Now he prefaces comments like that with "Baruch Hashem (Thank G-d), I am healthy."

c) A well-known grandmother would complete people's sentences in the following way: If a person would say to her, "This is the last time I will see you," she would finish with "on this trip."

2. Double Entendres

Similarly, one is to be wary of statements that are meant innocuously, but if interpreted slightly differently could be condemning. Thus, for example, you should not say to an ill person, "Stay where you are. (20)" Even if all you meant was that the person should not rise to greet you, it can be taken to mean: "Don't get better." If you want to say that you will never do something again, it is appropriate to add something like: "In good health, I will never do this again (21)," so it doesn't possibly sound as if you intend to die.
Chapter 1D:

Lashon Nekiya (Refined Speech).

It's not just about vulgarity. Closely related to the above is the Torah principle that speech should be exceedingly refined. The Talmud (22) famously points out that the Torah uses numerous extra words in order to articulate things in a positive, and not negative, way (23).

It goes without saying that a Jew should not (may not) incorporate vulgarity in his speech. But a much more subtle teaching is that he should avoid coarse and harshly worded expressions.

"I've been bustin' my chops," "eating like a pig," and "acting like a jerk" may be very acceptable expressions in our society at large, but should be eliminated from the lexicon of a frum Jew.

"Why this excessive sensitivity to strong wording?" you may ask. The answer stems from the above principle that words have significant power. If a person uses his language sparingly – not only quantitatively, in not being overly garrulous, but qualitatively, in reserving strong expressions for special circumstances – his words retain special power (24). As my Rebbe, Rabbi Berel Wein often told us, "If a car is 'awesome,' then G-d is not 'Awesome'."

When we stand in prayer before G-d, we hope that our words will have supreme efficacy. "Heal us," "Give rain," and "Rebuild Yerushalayim," are all requests that we hope will be taken seriously. But if a person shows that he doesn't take his own words seriously, either by being a doomsayer (al tiftach peh la satan) or by speaking harshly where such talk is gratuitous, how can he expect G-d to take his words seriously?
Examples of Loshon Nekiya:

a) Some People will say a diaper is "dirty or wet" not any other more descriptive term (# 2, poopy, etc.)

b) The Chazon Ish wouldn't say the word "dog," he would call it a 4-legged creature; (I am not suggesting that anyone not call a dog, "dog," just bringing out one example from an extremely refined person.)

c) When a child doesn't like food, parents will teach him to say "It isn't for me," or, "that isn't my taste," not, "that is SOOOO disgusting."

d) Phrases like "I'll be darned!" or "I'll break your neck!" should be eliminated from our speech.

e) A group of Yeshiva students were curious about a category of words in a "gray" area. They wanted to ask their Rabbi if certain words weren't really "bad" because they are "just" the name of a place, not a "bad" word. They wanted to ask Rav Pam ZTL about a certain word that begins with an H and rhymes with Bell. It describes a place the opposite of heaven.

Of course, there was no way they would say that word to Rav Pam because maybe it really was a bad word. Instead they approached him with the proper deference and asked him in general whether or not it would be acceptable to say certain words that could have both neutral and negative connotations.

Rav Pam asked, "do you mean like "fress?" (Fress means "eat" in Yiddish but implies a person who is over-eating.) Properly educated and slightly embarrassed, they said "yes, words like fress," and retreated back to their seats. They didn't even think about asking about the word they wanted to ask about.

Conclusion

The general themes and the few specific examples presented above are intended to create a fuller picture of how we should and should not speak according to the Torah. It is our fervent hope that this essay is helpful to the newly observant in acclimating to Orthodox society, and, more importantly, in gaining a fuller and deeper understanding of the beautiful ways of the Torah.
Chapter 1E:

PDA's Public Displays of Affection.

The beauty and intimacy of the marriage has the highest priority and people spend a great deal of effort preserving it. A simple touch is a very private and intimate moment. Even when a couple is at home, with their immediate or extended family, many people are extremely discreet about their physical relationship.

I want to give you some examples.

a) A young couple I know was recently married. Their not-religious but wonderful and very-involved grandmother called her granddaughter aside: "You are newlyweds, why aren't you touchy, holding hands, sitting close on the couch together, is everything okay with your marriage?"

b) You almost never see couples holding hands in public. On a recent Shabbos, I was headed to the early minyan and I saw a young couple holding hands, when they saw me, they giggled and dropped each other's hands. (Yes, it was cute.)

d) Many Orthodox couples don't show physical affection to one another in front of other people, even their own children. However, I know of at least one well-respected Rabbi who gives his wife a kiss in front of the kids when he comes home. ("Why should she be the only one who doesn't get a kiss?")

e) I know another couple where one spouse was raised in home where the parents showed physical affection and the other spouse was raised in a home where the parents didn't. They didn't know what the right answer was so they asked the Rosh HaYeshiva. He said they shouldn't touch in front of their children.

f) Many couples won't let the kids in the bedroom. Some couples won't let their kids see them in pajamas, only fully dressed. It is believed that this increases the respect for the parents. At the same time, of course, each couple must find the balance that works for them.

g) Orthodox couples have two beds. One prominent Rosh HaYeshiva told us that the "rule" is that the kids should never see their parents in the same bed. This is not the only "rule," but it makes the point that even at home, the husband and wife relationship is private. Many feel it is a good way to teach kids about privacy and boundaries.

h) There is a Jewish law that when a couple is not permitted to each other, they can't pass an object to one another. Practically, if you are hosting a Shabbos table with a married couple and you pass the wine to the husband, and he has to pass it his wife, you are setting up an awkward moment. One prominent Rosh HaYeshiva makes it a point to pour and deliver the wine himself to the married couples at his table. He will get up and walk a few chairs down and hand the wine to each husband and wife separately. He does this even in his own home with his married children to protect each couples privacy.

i) Many fathers are careful not to let their sons see them undressed. When the fathers and sons go the mikveh, many times the sons wait outside until the fathers are done.

Footnotes for Chapter 1

1) The prohibitions of lashon hara (slander) and nivul peh (obscenity), I believe, are well-known, and will not be addressed in this essay.

2) Actually, many common Yiddish expressions do, in fact, have their origins in the teachings of the Rabbis of the Talmud. See by Rav Dovid Cohn for a fascinating presentation of such expressions and their possible Talmudic/Midrashic origins. But certainly many Jewish expressions are not based on Torah teachings, per se.

3) See Sefer HaChinuch, end of Mitzva 1.

4) The "Holy Letter" of Nachmanides is one of numerous classic sources that portray this notion at length.

5) Talmud, Shabbos 33a.

6) See Shulchan Aruch, Even HaEzer 23

7) According to Jewish law, a married woman immerses in a ritual bath to conclude the period of purification following menstruation. After her immersion the couple resumes marital relations, ending a hiatus of approximately 12 days.|

8) Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Deah 198:48

9) See Shulchan Aruch Even HaEzer end of 21:5

10) Berachos 62a.

11) Talmud, Bava Metzia 107b

12) See, for example Berachos 58b, Chagiga 5b, and Bava Basra 14a. For this reason, many have a practice when referring to something good they have in life (e.g., how many children they have) they will add in Yiddish "kayn ayin hara" or the Hebrew "bli ayin hara", meaning "without an ayin hara."

13) See Michtav Me'Eliyahu, vol. III, pg. 314, and vol. IV, pg. 6.

14) See Midrash Rabba, Toldos 65:12. See also Responsa Mishne Halachos 15:118

15) See Nishmat Avraham Yoreh Deah, pg. 109.

16) See [Sefer HaBris quotes it]. It would be appropriate, however, for parents who are unfamiliar with the general principles of how Jewish names are chosen to speak to their Rabbi regarding this important decision. This is not a violation of this principle.

17) See Talmud Berachos 19a and Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh Deah 376:2)

18) Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Deah, ibid

19) See Pe'le Yoetz, erech dibbur.

20) Pesachim 3a

21) See Noach, chap. 7, where the animals are called "not pure" instead of "contaminated"

22) See Michtav Me'Eliyahu, vol. IV, pp. 220-222 for a beautiful elaboration on this theme.

23) Mishlei 21:23.

# Chapter 2:

Becoming a person of Refined Actions.

If you go through the Orthodox primary and secondary school system you will receive the message countless times that an Orthodox person is one of refinement and dignity. When you visit Buckingham Palace you expect to see behavior that befits a royal family. So to an Orthodox person should always represent himself as a member of a royal family.

Some examples:

a) Many people won't eat standing up.

b) One Rosh HaYeshiva I know won't "graze" at a buffet. He will sit at the table and one of his students will bring him a plate of food. (Most of us would go hungry in this situation.)

c) Many people won't drink from a bottle of water or soda can directly, rather they will pour it into a cup first. I remember reading this about Moshe Reichmann ZTL. Mr. Reichmann was a devout Orthodox Jew and one of the wealthiest men in the world in the 1980's. When he was in his final illness and very thirsty from the treatments, his son offered him a small bottle of water and Mr. Reichmann responded: "In my entire life I have never drank directly from a bottle, and I will not start now."

d) Many people won't eat any food with their fingers. A friend of mine was taking his son to a Yeshiva for an entrance exam and introductory Shabbos. When they served dessert, the father began to eat the piece of cake with his fingers. He looked around and noticed that everyone else was using a knife and fork to eat their dessert. Later, the Rebbe, who had noticed that he was eating with his fingers, took him aside and told him that they expect the students to have refined behavior in every area and that extends to eating as well. (His son still got in Yeshiva and now both he and his father eat dessert with a knife and fork.)

e) Some people will cut their banana or apple into bite-sized chunks as opposed to "looking like a monkey" and "gobbling" it up with their mouth.

f) In addition to the reasons mentioned above, Orthodox people strive to dress in modest, not-flashy clothing because it is dignified and respectful. Just like when people attend a funeral, there is certain unstated dress code because of respect for the deceased, there is a similar unstated dress code because of the respect for the aspect of a person that was created in G-d's image.

g) I work in the New York area and you can spot on Orthodox woman from a block away. Who else is dressed modestly?

# Chapter 3:

Spirituality in Business and interpersonal relationships.

In Business:

A very successful Real Estate person in the Orthodox community unfortunately passed away in the prime of his life. One story in his Biography related how he insisted on treating his investors in the most favorable way possible. A partner and an objective Rabbi both looked at a certain deal and felt that although his interpretation wasn't wrong, he could certainly use a less generous methodology and still be more than fair. He insisted on the most generous interpretation. I have seen similar behavior many times.

I am in the wealth management business. During the year I search for new business. Frequently, around Rosh HaShana people agree to become a client. Everyone wants to be blessed with more money in the new year and it is embedded in Judaism that G-d treats you like you treat others. Conversely, during the Three Weeks, (in the summer from the 17th of Tamuz thru the 9th of Av) historically a time of great tragedies in the Jewish world, many people do not invest in new opportunities.

Letting the other guy win:

Rabbi A was speaking at an event recently and someone was upset about what Rabbi A was saying and let Rabbi A have it. Afterwards, Rabbi A related the exchange to his own congregation (without identifying details) and finished by saying, "And do you know what I said back to him? Nothing. I was silent."

It is taught in the Orthodox community that it is better to let the other person have the last word, to give in, to let them win. Do people always let the other guy win? Of course not. However, I know of many situations when it does happen and it is considered a sign of strength.

Setting time to study Torah:

It is almost embarrassing today not to have a set time to learn Torah. It is part of a person's basic responsibilities. We ask each other; "What are you learning?" "Who are your study partners?" Although expensive, it is not uncommon to hire a Rabbi for one-on-one study. A friend of mine calls it his one luxury.

In general, it is not enough to make a living, help the community, stay in shape and be a caring family member and friend. A person also has to work on himself spiritually which entails studying and sharing Torah, praying with concentration, and setting spiritual goals for oneself.

A holy person is expected to control his anger, not one-up the next guy, resist temptation and remain humble even if the person is blessed with great successes. I have seen many fantastically successful men crying profusely every year on Yom Kippur.

#

SECTION 2:   
NUGGETS

# Chapter 4:

Your perspective on what is important may change.

A good friend of ours, now a prominent Rebbetzin in Jerusalem, was newly religious and married in Manhattan at a "to die for" hotel. If you compared her dress to other women who got married in Manhattan that year, her dress was almost Victorian...almost.

As she got more religious and her daughters got older, she had to take the wedding album to a service to airbrush in the rest of the dress. Many of the pictures from that wedding mysteriously vanished.

A good friend of mine was a superstar in the secular world. He is handsome, Ivy League Educated, wealthy and a nationally ranked tennis player. By his own admission, he has a "go-all-the-way personality".

He has jumped so deep into a religious community in Israel that his own children don't know that he wasn't raised Orthodox. Although they have a strong relationship with their grandparents, they think that their father was raised "modern" and got more religious. He feels in their Chasidic community, it would be confusing for his kids to know the truth.

The simplicity and purity of the Orthodox community can have a stronger view on what is considered "outside the box." Think of it as taking down your Facebook page before you apply for a job. You need to know what the community you have chosen calls "skeletons" before you open up your closet.

The same people that you think "are way out there" have a funny way of becoming your neighbors, parents of your kids best friends and in-laws.

Your own perspective on what is important and how you want people to view you may change as your children grow up in an Orthodox community.

At the same time, you have to maintain your individuality. However, the entire point of this guidebook is to help you judge for yourself what is:

1) A normative expression of Orthodoxy of which there are MANY.

2) A bit outside the box, but completely acceptable expression of Orthodoxy-of which there are MANY.

3) Totally off the reservation.

# Chapter 5:

Why many Orthodox men don't wear wedding rings.

Most Orthodox men don't wear wedding rings. It was never part of the traditional wedding ceremony. I personally have never seen an Orthodox Rabbi wear a wedding ring.

I used to wear a wedding ring and some of my friends asked why and I told them I work on Wall Street in a very social, sales position and I was concerned that some women would take my friendliness the wrong way.

I took off my ring about 10 years ago and soon realized that I was clearly flattering myself.

NOTE: Wearing a ring is more common in "Modern Orthodox" circles.

# Chapter 6:

Do I have to dress like a penguin?

The Orthodox world, especially the Yeshivish and Chassidish world, dresses a certain way. What we wear clearly makes a statement to others and clothes are a way of identifying with a certain group.

As an aside, it is true that the Yeshiva world has evolved from colored shirts and tan suits 50 years ago to black and white today. There was no proclamation made but, the world today is much more unclean (promiscuity, immoral lifestyles, lack of modesty on television, in public, billboards, etc.) than it was 50-60 years ago.

A dress code is a way of identifying like-minded people who have similar outlooks on life. It is a practical and thoughtful response to a rapidly changing world.

I recently purchased a North Face™ ski jacket in a beautiful shade of royal blue. My children took one look at it and were mortified. Why was their father wearing a brightly colored jacket that all the young children wear? Not wanting to pick any more battles with my children, I returned it and got the black one.

# Chapter 7:

Orthodox people socialize differently than Secular people.

Steve and Beth meet Shmuel and Basya

A typical Ba'al Teshuvah couple, Steve and Beth got involved in Orthodox Judaism at their respective universities. They met in Manhattan in their mid 20's and moved to an established Orthodox community soon after their marriage several years later. They are now 35, with three children who are five and under. They each have one sibling and are the only Orthodox members of their own family and are looking for friends, a social life and a community.

At the same time, a typical FFB couple, Shmuel and Basya, are 35 years old and have six children, 14 to three months. Shmuel and Basya are each from a family of six, so there are 10 sets of "brothers and sisters-in- law," each with six kids which means 60 first cousins (over one birthday party a week) for Shmuel and Basya's kids and two sets of very involved in-laws. Not to mention the first cousins of Shmuel and Basya...and their children, and of course the close childhood friends of Shmuel and Basya, all of whom deserve time and attention.

Shmuel and Basya are busy. They are not necessarily looking for new relationships, nor do they have the time to nurture those relationships. They both work and are busy raising their kids, volunteering at the school and involved with various community projects. When Yom Tov rolls around, it is family time, and they get to slow down and spend time with their parents, a rotating schedule of siblings and siblings-in-laws and nieces and nephews of various ages.

Secular couples have no problem vacationing together with their families. It is common for families who are not related to rent a home together or vacation as a group at the same resort.

They have fewer siblings and those siblings may or may not be close emotionally, geographically or demographically. Additionally, because they have fewer kids, it is more fun to have other families around because the kids have playmates. Secular society has no problem with children of the opposite sex spending time together and developing friendships or romantic relationships.

Because of the issues regarding modesty, both for the parents and the kids, but especially as kids get into their teenage years, this practice, in general, is not part of the Orthodox world.

The FFB world operates on family. The same ski vacation is just as social when each side has six siblings and six siblings-in-law and lots of cousins, nieces, nephews, grandchildren, etc. (When Zaidy pays, it is even better.) The modesty issues are less of a problem with family (although each family handles this differently.) Some extended families have the custom that the men sit with the men and the women sit with the women.

I know of one friend (mid-30's) who convinced his parents (mid-60's) to take him and his family of five to a Pesach hotel. The parents (secular, Jewish) envisioned finally meeting people of similar means on even footing-a hotel. They were surprised when most of their peers were busy with their very large families and had no desire to spend time with them. No one was rude, everyone made conversation, but it was eye opening to see how many relatives everyone had.

This is one of those dynamics that varies. It varies on the personalities of the people involved and on the community. In general, more non-family socializing occurs in out of town communities. It is certainly not anywhere near the same type of socializing that happens in the secular world.

In general, BT's have small extended families. They may have changed so much that they no longer have things in common with their childhood friends. For this reason, they may not choose to socialize with their childhood friends and their families. You simply can't take your kids to a non-kosher hotel for what is considered wholesome fun in the secular world. (Kashrus, mixed swimming, immodest dress, movies, TV, Shabbos, davening -it just doesn't work.)

In general, FFB's have had the same friends for decades and are busy with their extended families. They don't necessarily have the time or the need to develop new relationships. At the same time, of course, the kindness and support of the Orthodox community is unparalleled. If you need something such as a dining room set when you get married, meals when you give birth, babysitters when you have triplets or chairs and tables when you have a simcha, the Orthodox community has no equal. I am not discussing all of the wonderful aspects of the FFB community. You already know that.

**NOTE:**

I strongly suggest that you maintain relationships with your childhood friends. They know you in a way that many of your new friends won't and in some ways it is a safer relationship. You can let your hair down a bit more with old friends. In addition, there is no reason not to stay close with them. As you get older, you may be less concerned about whether or not they buy into your world view and more concerned that there is someone with whom you connect with on a deep level.

# Chapter 8:

Treat your in-laws like your best client.

It is a good habit for the bride and groom to call their in-laws each week before Shabbos. It helps build bridges in what is a delicate relationship. You, the new spouse are now the primary relationship for their son or daughter and it is only natural for them to feel a concern that their relationship with their own child may change. They will deeply appreciate that you are reaching out to them.

It doesn't feel natural??

So what? Have a fake conversation; Everyone else is. Eventually, it will become a part of your Shabbos preparations.

Joking aside, it shows proper respect to your in-laws and they will be a big part of your life. You never lose by giving them honor and respect.

In the FFB world, this is part of the ritual. Almost every Chasson and Kallah picks up the phone and initiates the call. Once you get married and have the down payment for the house, you can stop. (That was a joke.)

Most people call their father-in-law or mother-in-law by Tatti/Dad/Abba or Mom/Mommy/Ima. Your in-laws are not your equals and it is not common to address your in-laws by their first name.

Many people offer to sit their father or father-in-law at the head of their own table. (Even if said father or father-in-law is not observant.)

It will certainly be a beautiful lesson for your own children. You are obligated to show respect for your in-laws in a similar way to your parents. A good friend who reviewed this also suggested that they make it a point to call their grandparents in law as well. You are lucky to have them.

#  Chapter 9:

Why it is easy to feel judged initially and why the feeling will pass

You are entering a community where people take responsibility for each other and are accountable to each other. I will tell you several stories.

First Story

My married friend "Steven," now a recent grandfather who I refer to as (still) the best-looking guy in Passaic, was once called into Rabbi Ploni's office. (In Passaic, a relatively small town, Rabbi Ploni runs many of the organization's in the community.) He got the message, "Rabbi Ploni wants to speak to you." Getting a message that Rabbi Ploni wants to speak to you gives you the same feeling as "your wife's attorney is on the line."

What was "Steven's" violation? He had hired a female personal trainer and was jogging with her in the middle of Passaic in broad daylight. Someone had felt that this violated the Passaic standards of modesty but didn't feel that they were the right people to call "Steven" on the carpet. They used the anonymous "Taliban" phone line (that was a joke) and called Rabbi Ploni. "Steven" and his wife were both called in to the Principal's office with no idea of why.

Did he want them to be honored?

Did a child act up in school?

Did someone find out about the Swiss Bank account?

When Rabbi Ploni told them what he "found out," they had no idea he was talking about. It turns out that the Anonymous caller had made a mistake; the female trainer had been jogging with her OWN HUSBAND, who with sweatpants, a hat and sunglasses looked just like "Steven." Everyone, especially Steven and his wife, had a good laugh.

Second Story

My friend (in Baltimore) had a daughter who was 16 and a boy from the neighborhood was calling her. It is very inappropriate for any contact between the sexes at this age. Nothing "happened" but even calling and trying to have a relationship at this stage is wrong. With some intervention, the situation resolved itself and the boy felt so badly that he called the father the day before Yom Kippur to apologize for calling his daughter.

Why did the boy do that? He spoke to his own father and his own 10th grade Rabbi and his own Synagogue Rabbi who all told him his behavior was so far over the line that he needed to apologize. We can compare that to what we know goes on in secular society. (The story has a happy ending. They ended up getting married and have many children.)

Third Story

I took a quick, informal poll of about 15 girls in our school's 11th grade class. Only about ½ of them had even heard of Justin Bieber and none of them had ever heard his music or knew exactly who he was; "An actor or singer, right?"

Fourth Story

My friend Rueven had a 23-year-old son "Shimon" who was raised in Passaic. Shimon (now 25, married with 1 child) had recently become engaged. For the first time in his life, he was spending time with a member of the opposite sex; his fiancé. His father asked him if he was having any urges and if he was able to control them. His son said back, "What are you talking about, I am too busy thinking about preparing the 8-10 speeches I have to give after the week after the wedding."

Fifth Story

My friend "Levi" has a son "Yehuda." When Yehuda was about 16, Levi gave him "the birds and bees" talk. When he was done, Yehuda asked... "So this happened between you and mommy 5 times?" (Levi and his wife have 5 children.)

Cute stories, right?

I know both "Shimon" and "Yehuda" well. They are athletic, funny, healthy young men. The only reason they have not been distracted by an inclination which drives all of us is because they have something else which is a more powerful draw- Torah. The children being raised in an Orthodox world don't miss pop culture or current events. They love what they have and are filled up by the Torah educational system. (Of course there are issues and not everything is perfect)

The obvious point behind these stories is that in the Orthodox community, we choose to live in a community that has some level of objective standards. We feel those standards have a high probability of producing the results that we value and we are willing to tolerate the accountability that comes with it.

The Rabbis (and they could have just as easily been male or female community leaders) in the above stories have enough community support that they can "call a foul" when there is a violation of community standards. We could all choose to move to a place where there is no ability for any of us to call a foul, but we benefit greatly from being in a community that does.

A person who doesn't meet those standards may feel judged by the rest of the community. I don't think this is particularly unusual, but because Judaism touches so much of a person's life, the parts of life where one can feel judged can be overwhelmingly more.

However, we are all free to choose our own community.

I know two FFB brothers that are in their 30s, married, and have wonderful families. They are both completely happy in their own community. One chooses to be in Miami Beach because he doesn't want to be "watched" all the time like he would be in an "in-town" community. His brother lives in Lakewood, NJ, because he feels there is strength in numbers and he doesn't want his kids to be raised with the lack of standards that can occur in an out of town community.

At some point a switch will go off in your mind and you will no longer be bothered by feeling judged. You will want to join a community that has certain standards.

Don't get me wrong, you will still be plenty bothered by "the nosy bodies." (We tried to get rid of them with bug spray, genetic testing, public humiliation...nothing worked.) Let the phrase "don't judge Judaism by the Jews" comfort you, and you will chuckle at them as opposed to worrying about them.

# Chapter 10:

The key to happiness: Have lots of children!

One of the activities I enjoy the most is speaking to Jewish groups on universities and college campuses. I usually ask, "What gives a religious person the most pleasure in life?"

I get all kinds of answers, prayer, community, spirituality, etc. I tell them it is much more basic than that. By far, the best part of being religious is having lots of children.

The first Mitzvah of the Torah is to "Be fruitful and multiply" and many couples, especially later in life, deeply regret that they limited the size of their family and deprived themselves of so much joy. If I can give you any advice, it would be to push yourself to have more children. You will never regret having more children. As they become adults, your children can become your best friends.

At the same time, birth control and family planning, although not really discussed in public (because of modesty issues), is often permitted and a topic of discussion for you, your spouse and your local Orthodox Rabbi.

In Chapter 7, I mentioned that most of the socializing in the Orthodox world occurs with extended families. People love having large families and I know many people with well over 50 first cousins. With that many people, there are bound to be some you love spending time with. The best gift you can give your children and grandchildren is more of them.

# Chapter 11:

The importance of maintaining close relationships with your non-religious relatives.

When you are becoming frum, you are fun and easy to be around. Every family wants to have you as a Shabbos guest. However, those "amazing, beautiful, caring" families are not a replacement for your parents and siblings.

Although I am sure it happens, I rarely see a "kiruv" family member get out of bed at five AM, drive across town, pick up coffee and watch the baby of a newly married BT couple so the parents can get to work, school, sleep.

NO ONE, repeat NO ONE replaces your biological relatives.

In general, the pattern works like this:

When you are single, there are TONS of kiruv families that want you around. After all, you are fun, inexpensive, interesting, eager to listen and happy to share a bedroom and bathroom with other guests.

When you are newly married, there are certainly many kiruv families that want you around but not necessarily when you need a Shabbos off. It is logistically a bit harder to handle you, and, since you are married, everyone has to be on his or her best behavior.

When you have a few toddlers, your siblings and SOME kiruv families want you at their home, but the logistics and sleep schedules make things much more difficult.

When you have little kids and pre-teens, your siblings may invite you, but only if your children and their children play well together and even then, it usually takes one of their kids nudging their parents until they give in.

When you have surly teenagers, your parents (hopefully) want you around.

I included this chapter because many of the college students that get involved are welcomed into a wonderful, social, fun environment with many other young people and the time spent together is not only spiritual and meaningful but fulfils the social requirement as well.

They think it will always be this way and they won't need their family as much because the community will continue to play a strong social role in their lives.

Of course, every community is different, but many BT's "wake up" a few years after marriage and realize that the Rabbis play the Rabbi role and the community plays the community role, but only your family can play the family role.

# Chapter 12:

Kurt's "how to" guide on staying close with extended family.

Have a set schedule to call/visit them.

Don't try to educate them, seem ultra happy or only talk about how pious you have become. Share with them and talk normally, you are trying to have a relationship. If they make a celebration, do your best to get there. If you can't get there, and we all know of tricky situations, try to figure out some way to make it up to them.

If you have an issue and you feel there is a conflict between Jewish Law and your relationship with a family member, I suggest asking one of the well-respected Rabbis who are particularly sensitive to the emotional and familial needs of BTs.

Of course, a person has to operate within the boundaries of Jewish Law. However, I know several people who burned bridges with their own family because they didn't attend a family event AND were so difficult to deal with that it caused stress for everyone. 10-15 years later, they regret this situation.

I also know people that didn't attend the same family event but went **overboard** in other areas and maintained strong relationships.

A common scenario is the following: You are a person in your 20's who is in an Orthodox environment, possibly a Yeshiva or Seminary. A close relative makes a life decision that is not in line with Jewish Law or Jewish values. It is possible that many of your close friends and mentors will encourage you to live by your new principles, draw a line in the sand, and expect your relative to understand.

I don't know what the right answer is, but I want to strongly encourage you to think about how you will feel 10-20 years down the road when life takes its course and friendships fade. The person advising you may not realize that if you burn your bridges with this sibling or sibling-in-law that you may be the one who is sad at the loss of the relationship.

Your relatives were not raised Orthodox and, for all the success the outreach movement is having, the vast majority of the secular Jews that come in touch with the Orthodox world have the following reaction: "Nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there."

It isn't rational to expect your relatives to be any different. It will be much easier for you to maintain a relationship with them if you can talk about what interests them and find a way to spend time together.

Of course, and it goes without saying, this assumes that your relatives are normal, accepting and understanding of your differences.

# Chapter 13:

How to take advice.

One of the benefits of becoming Orthodox is the idea that you have the ability to access wise people to help you with your life choices. The idea that a person has a "Rabbi" is ingrained within the Orthodox community and almost everyone I know runs all major issues and many minor issues by their Rabbi. (For political correctness and because it is true, by Rabbi, I include Rebbetzin and male or female mentor as well.)

Humor the Yenta

At the same time, when you are newly Orthodox, EVERYBODY and I mean EVERYBODY will try to give you advice. When you start dating and get married, the advice doubles.

My suggestion is whenever a Yenta gives you advice, concentrate deeply, pause for a moment, tell them that was the most meaningful, inspiring, life-changing message that ANYONE has EVER given you and you can't wait to incorporate it into your life.

Then. Do what you want.

This doesn't cost anything, makes the Yenta feel great and gets you out of a tricky situation.

A person who recognizes that you are relatively "ripe" and who really cares about you will tell you that it is only their opinion and that you should talk to other people as well.

By speaking to lots of people, you will be able to start discerning if the advice you are receiving comes from an authentic Jewish source or from the imperfect (but well-meaning) filter of the person with whom you are talking.

Dismiss the Cynic:

A woman I know was raised in an extremely difficult family situation. She was not Jewish and her parents were somewhere between emotionally abusive and criminally negligent. She had no emotional support and no money. She somehow found her way to Jerusalem and decided to learn about Judaism and converted. Many of her new friends, (FRIENDS!!) told her she would NEVER MARRY because she was a convert, or they told her she would have to REALLY SETTLE on the kind of guy she would date.

She had nowhere to turn and not everyone in the Orthodox world was particularly kind or encouraging. Of course, they told her they were being "realistic." She felt very alone and not so great about her future.

To cut to the chase, she trusted in The One Above and married a wonderful, handsome, successful, BT who was thrilled to marry her and they have built a beautiful family and a wonderful life. The best part is that two of her brothers converted and now she has religious extended family as well. (Details of this story have been changed.)

Listen to the people who will show you both your tunnel AND the light at the end of it.

Everyone has issues and most of us benefit by having a wise person look at what we are doing and make suggestions. This is especially true when we are coming from a non-Torah background. One of my favorite lessons from the Torah is when Yosef, one of the Twelve sons of Jacob is imprisoned in Egypt and is miraculously saved.

Rebbetzin Yemima Mizrachi relates the lesson.

Yosef is in jail and Pharaoh has his two scary dreams. The seven scrawny cows eat the seven fat cows and the seven unhealthy ears of corn swallow the seven healthy ears of corn. Pharaoh is petrified and his advisors give him some reasonable suggestions - all with bad endings, which makes sense. The dreams sure do have bad endings.

Yosef is called from prison and gives the following interpretation: There will be seven good years followed by seven bad years. So far the interpretation is just like Pharaoh's advisors, but now Yosef gives Pharaoh a strategy. Save up the food in the good years and use it in the bad years. Pharaoh cries out: This man has the spirit of G-d in him.

What did Yosef do? What did Pharaoh see in Yosef that made him, an Egyptian monarch, think of G-d?

Yosef gave the Pharaoh encouragement and hope, a plan, a strategy. Yes, the dreams predicted a bad scenario, but don't worry, there is a way out.

When there is a G-d in the world, there is always encouragement and hope.

#  Chapter 14:

Just because your child became Orthodox doesn't mean they don't need you.

Your child has decided to become Orthodox. I believe you will have a great deal of pleasure from this choice. However, one thing for certain is that the Orthodox culture will add some unexpected dynamics to the relationship.

You may be worried about them being able to afford the enormous expenses involved in raising an Orthodox family. You may be worried about them not wanting to spend time at your home. You may be worried about them no longer being close with a certain family member who hasn't made the same choices. You may be wondering why they are looking to these new people for advice. You may be worried that you won't be able to relate to your grandchildren.

I have tried to categorize the issues into three large groups.

Category 1: Spending time during Shabbos and Holidays.

Unless you live near an Orthodox Synagogue and are willing to make your house kosher and Shabbos compliant, it will be difficult to host your children and their families for Shabbos and/or the 2-3 day Holidays when most Orthodox families have extended time to spend together. Although it is emotionally difficult to have your children spend the holidays elsewhere, it is sometimes easier than dealing with all of the rules that come up on Shabbos and the Festivals. It takes a bit of a shift in perspective, but you can still have a beautiful relationship and stay away from the technical difficulties that come up on these holidays.

Category 2: Damaging Influences

I was at an organizational dinner recently (July 2015) in Teaneck, NJ. Teaneck is a Modern Orthodox community. The vast majority of the people there have college degrees and work professionally. They are very proud of the ability to balance a Torah lifestyle with the modern world. This dinner honored several young Real Estate professionals who are making significant incomes. At the end of the dinner, the Rabbi got up and lectured the audience about the evils of listening to secular music. He even publicly lambasted The Beatles. My table was chuckling. How bad can the Beatles be? I commented that you can't call Teaneck "Modern" anymore if they can't listen to the Beatles without feeling guilty.

As a grandparent, you may bring up many topics which to you are fun and wholesome, only to get shushed by your own children. They don't want their children (your grandchildren!) to hear it or they themselves don't want those "harmful" influences. As a matter of fact, I can almost assure you that this will happen.

The "that is harmful" list depends a great deal on the personalities of your children and their spouses. Have a sense of humor, and don't let it get in the way of your relationship. The Orthodox world is so enormous now that there are tons of books to read, videos to rent, topics to discuss, places to go, music to listen to in the car, that it really shouldn't inhibit anything. You can comfort yourself knowing that Orthodox grandparents have the same issues with their own children.

Category 3: How do I connect with and maintain the respect of my children and grandchildren when I really have no desire to become Orthodox

As I have written in other chapters, large extended families are extremely common in the Orthodox world. As a grandparent, you are very needed. Your grandchildren will probably attend a school where their classmates have dozens of first cousins. People spend much of their social time with their extended family. If you attend school events, take them shopping and figure out how to vacation together, you will have a great relationship with everyone.

However, as you have probably gathered by now, in many ways the Orthodox Jewish world is its own culture. We have our own opinion leaders, our own entertainment and our own topics of discussion. No one is asking you to become Orthodox, however I do believe you will find that you can have a stronger relationship with your children and grandchildren if you decide to spend some time enjoying what they enjoy.

I suggest spending 20-30 minutes a week learning about the weekly Torah Portion or the upcoming holiday. You will be immediately tuned into what "everyone" is talking about.

If you want to take it a step further and be thought of as suave and debonair, simply prepare 2-3 thoughts or questions on the weekly Torah Portion and you will be ready for the week. You can pull these out in various circumstances and be thought of as scholarly and erudite.

Your kids call for money. You have a captive audience. At least make them listen to your opinion about why Moses acted as he did.

You are at the school reception for grandparents, so regale their teacher with your knowledge. He/she has to smile!

You are negotiating a price for new investment property or a vacation rental in Jerusalem. Before you go in for the kill, get the opposing party off guard by sharing an insightful Torah thought. The uses are endless and you will be regarded with new respect.

Of course, being familiar with the weekly Torah portion will help most with your grandchildren. 90% of the projects your grandchildren will bring home will be about the Torah portion of the week or the upcoming holiday.

Your children need you. The Orthodox world is great at getting people involved. However, as I stress in other chapters, the Orthodox world simply can't replace a biological family. Grandparents and extended family play a huge role in the Orthodox society. At the same time, your children need to protect the spiritual world they have created for themselves.

I think you will like the following story. My friend "Tom" grew up secular. He was extremely close with his younger brother "Scott." Tom is seven years older and went to all of Scott's soccer games from fourth grade through high school. Scott looked up to him as only a little brother can. As it happened, Tom became Orthodox and changed his name to Tuvia. When Scott married a non-Jewish woman, Tuvia distanced himself from him.

About ten years later, Tuvia realized that he missed Scott. A LOT. He had many new friends, several Rabbis who helped guide him, and many families who hosted him.

However, he missed his younger brother. To make a long story short, Tuvia called Scott and said, "Tom is back." Scott laughed. They went to a sports bar, watched the game, had a beer together and the relationship snapped back in about five minutes. They are working out how to respect each other's differences but still have a way to spend time together. It took Tuvia well over ten years in the Orthodox world to realize that it wasn't a substitute for his family.

#  Chapter 15:

How to find a Rov or mentor that works for you.

It is important to spend time with different types of people to figure out who works for you in different situations. In practice, when people have a "life" question, most people ask several mentors their opinion.

Ask people you know and respect if they can suggest several Rabbaim who would be a good fit for you. Especially when starting out, you want to be able to put your Rabbaim and mentors in perspective as well.

I don't want to confuse this with asking Halachic questions about kashrut, the laws of Shabbos or Family purity. Many Rabbis can handle those standard and very important daily life questions.

However, when it comes to making a major life decision, an FFB has had a lifetime of experience about who they connect best with and the personality and background of the Rabbi they are asking for specific advice. A BT doesn't have that perspective and I have seen people make mistakes.

It takes time to develop a relationship with a person who understands you and who can provide a Torah perspective on the subject matter at hand. It is common for a person to move through several Rabbis/mentors as they figure everything out.

# Chapter 16:  
Protect yourself

Chapter 16A - Dating and Marriage

When you are dating, you are very vulnerable. You will have many families guiding, helping, and advising you. However, these families have just met you recently. Their advice may be wonderful but they may be projecting issues onto you that they saw with other people. They are not going to live with your mistakes, you will.

Only your parents will see the same behavior patterns repeat themselves when you are 25 and dating as when you were 10 and experiencing trouble at summer camp. Make sure that your parents meet your intended and are able to express their opinion before you get married.

A friend of mine was dating a girl and everyone was pushing him to get married. His father met her and said she was a downer and not for him at all. In hindsight, she was very quiet.

It should have been obvious, right?

None of the "great, amazing" families picked it up, knew them well enough, or spent enough time with her to notice it.

I have seen several BT women get married, pregnant and separated before the baby arrived. (Of course, this happens in Orthodox circles with even the most involved parents.)

I have seen two great BT men get tricked into marrying women with serious emotional, medical or religious issues.

Both marriages ended in expensive and emotionally draining divorces. In both situations, there were reputable people involved who either misrepresented the facts or cared more about getting the girl married than alerting the boy to a possible issue. It was a very expensive lesson. In one case, after the divorce, the Rabbi on the girl's side called the boy and apologized for not telling him all the facts.

The Mossad would be jealous of the amount of information that Orthodox parents have about the prospective matches for their children. An Orthodox parent knows about the intended, his/her parents, his/her siblings, etc. An Orthodox parent does not trust anyone in this area. They do their own digging and talk to dozens of people and then they make their own decisions. Ask around. If you, or a representative, who is going to share in your pain, haven't spoken at length to 10-20 people who know you intended well, you are taking a risk.

Because it is so easy to damage a shidduch with the wrong comment, people are overly careful not to reveal things that possibly should be revealed.

When you are checking references, be sure to ask lots of direct questions. I don't believe anyone will lie to you when it comes to a shidduch but I have seen the following happen.

My friend, a well-respected 10th grade Rebbe in his 50's was asked about one of his students.

Is he difficult?

My friend responded, no, he is not difficult.

However, my friend told me that he felt the boy was stubborn and if they had asked that, he would have responded yes, but he didn't think it was his place to volunteer any info that wasn't asked.

It gets very complicated as everyone has conflicted loyalties and is worried about saying the wrong thing and ruining the match. Be careful and take your time.
Chapter 16B:

Protect Yourself - Business and money.

You have already seen the beautiful side of Judaism, which is 99% of it: wonderful families, selfless people, and unbelievable organizations. However, as of the date of the publication of this guidebook, greed, avarice, spite, jealousy and anger have not yet been removed from the Orthodox world.

There is a Mitzvah to handle disputes in a Jewish court. The Jewish court system, like the secular court system, is not perfect. Before you sign a contract, put money in escrow, enter a partnership, buy a house, etc.; make sure that you have proper legal and Jewish legal advice.

You may find that you are unwittingly entering into a contract or are being pushed to do something when you are unaware of the consequences.

I will give you one example. A friend asks you to take his laptop from point A to point B. You are traveling by taxi and agree, but on the way, you make a mistake and leave his computer in the taxi and it is never seen again.

You could be liable to replace his computer. What do you mean; you ask, you did HIM a favor. According to Jewish Law, by agreeing to do a favor and transport a valuable object, you may be obligated to compensate him for any damages related to your negligence.

A friend of mine, who I will call Rueven, always responded, "I will be happy to help you but I am not taking any responsibility, even for negligence. Occasionally, I do something negligent and if that happens now, it is your loss, not mine" whenever he was asked to do something like this

Shmuel would say, "You have to accept negligence," and Reuven would reply, "No, I don't, and as a matter of fact, find someone else to do you a favor."

Before you sign papers that you will go to a specific Beis Din (Jewish Court), ask 10 people about their experiences in that Beis Din.

Because there is so much trust in the Orthodox world, I believe that over-promising investment returns and understating risk is not uncommon. You should be extra cautious if you are young or inexperienced or both. If you are offered an investment that that looks too good to be true, you have to ask yourself the Groucho Marx question. (Groucho famously said, "I would never join a club that would have me as a member.")

Any deal that has found its way to you, an inexperienced, young person with limited savings is certainly NOT a "hot" deal. Your ship is not coming in, your wife's prayers are not being answered, and you are not deserving of extra heavenly assistance. You will be much better off writing that check to the charity of your choice.

# Chapter 17:

Making a Wedding (Chasuna)

You will find oodles of books about weddings. The following is one man's advice. Use an inexpensive hall. In the Orthodox world, you can have a beautiful 300 person wedding (and another 200 people for dancing) for $15,000 - $20,000. Perhaps even less.

You will think you are saving a bundle, but once you add the costs involved in raising an Orthodox family including tuitions, summer camp, Pesach, and braces, you will find it was no bargain.

When you make a chasuna, it is perfectly acceptable to invite people only for the dancing. They will be just as happy as you that they weren't invited to the entire event. This will save a fortune. Don't feel bad: As I mentioned above, you will need the money down the road.

# Chapter 18:

Why are Orthodox Jews so confident in their life choices?

The observation of confidence wasn't mine. It was the observation of a major publication commenting on the rapid growth of the Orthodox movement. Most of the things a person wants are commonly found in Orthodox Judaism.

* A beautiful marriage.

* Many children and grandchildren who love and respect them.

* Watching their descendants make the same choices that they themselves made.

* A community that cares about them.

* A way to get emotional satisfaction.

* A way to nourish their soul.

There is a great deal of confidence in the Orthodox world which says that since we have a 6,000 year old tradition that has stood the test of time, we don't need to reinvent the wheel. We don't need to travel around the world, find new restaurants, meet celebrities or create our own bucket list. If we just use the resources that G-d gave each of us, and follow the example of our tradition and our revered Rabbis, we have a very good chance of checking off most of the boxes that matter.

(This is not to say that there are not many difficult problems in the Orthodox world that get close attention- as we all know, there are.)

Choosing to be Orthodox is like investing in Manhattan Real Estate. When you invest in Manhattan Real Estate, you don't have to predict where the next big thing will come from.

It can be the fall of communism, the rise of Silicon Valley, or professional athletes commanding huge salaries. It doesn't matter, when people get rich, they buy Manhattan Real Estate. Why risk your money and energy on something else, when you have a sure thing?

The difference, of course, is that Manhattan Real Estate is only available to a select few, while Orthodox Judaism is yours for the taking.

# Chapter 19:

How much do you have to fit in?  
It depends on you

First of all, an important statement:

Fitting in is an important part of Klal Yisroel.

There is a famous story in Scripture in the Second Book of Kings 4:13. A prominent woman had been very helpful to the prophet Elisha and he asked her if she needed anything. She replied, "I dwell among my people."

The commentators say that the deeper meaning of this exchange is that it happened on Rosh HaShana and she didn't need any favors, she just wanted to be judged as part of the larger Jewish people and didn't want to stand out. It seems simple, but many times the reason we do things is because that has become the accepted way of doing things and for it to change, the change has to come from the leadership, not the laypeople.

That may sound simplistic, but really it is rooted in a deep respect for the past. We are not arrogant enough to think we have the answers, but we do know that if we keep on doing what we have done in the past, good things will happen. The Rabbinic leadership of the Orthodox movement is thoughtful, practical, accessible and well respected. Because of that, if individuals or movements try to be too different, at some point they hit a wall and even people they respect will begin to think they are outside of the camp.

However, if you have gotten this far, I am assuming you buy the above and therefore I will ask the question again: How much do you have to fit in?

It really depends on you and where you choose to live. If you live in Lakewood, NJ, you will feel lots of social pressure to conform. If you are in an out of town community with many different flavors, you will feel much less pressure.

I happen to be a product of Aish HaTorah where I studied for six years. I distinctly remember the "prophets of doom" telling the "Aish people" and if they didn't do "x, y and z" it would be difficult for their children to get married.

(That is the big threat in the Orthodox world, if you don't do "x", it will harm your children socially, emotionally or...drum roll...actually affect your children's chances of marriage!!)

Today, about 15 years later, it is not an issue. I have seen dozens of children of BT's marry into some of the finest FFB families. The children and grandchildren show no visible emotional scars and as one keen observer of the BT scene remarked to me, there are children of families where the parents put minimal effort into fitting in and families where the parents really focused on it and it really didn't seem to matter.

Of course, there are those families that will not take you because you are a BT or for many other important or not so important reasons. They are entitled and you shouldn't give it any thought-nor should YOU judge THEM. It is probably a family that your child would not feel comfortable with anyway.

True Story 1:

The son of a wealthy, scholarly family of prominent ancestry was looking into the daughter of a "regular Joe" BT family. The father of the girl was a middle-class fellow which means that after tuitions, summer camp and braces, he was broke. Although he is a wonderful person with a wonderful family, he is not particularly scholarly or wealthy and certainly has no prestigious ancestry.

When the father of the son went to several Rabbis to ask if it was appropriate to make a match with this BT family, each Rabbi told him to make the match. The children are happily married.

True Story 2:

A friend of mine named "Bruce" has a father whose second wife is non-Jewish. Bruce has two non-Jewish half siblings and those non-Jewish half siblings have been to Bruce's home with their father and non-Jewish mother frequently.

Bruce has pictures in his home of the non-Jewish siblings with their non-Jewish families. When Bruce's daughter, "Fruma," was beginning to date, her principal Rebbetizin Cohen whose family has been Orthodox since before Moses agreed to act as a reference. As you can imagine, many people wanted to know about the influences in Fruma's home. Mrs. Cohen responded that, "There is no difference between my daughter and Fruma. They are exactly the same." Fruma is married to a wonderful husband and everyone is living happily ever after.

I also wanted to mention that the learning in America can actually be more analytical than in Israel. A typical 16 year old boy who takes to his learning at a good Yeshiva in America can be better at analyzing the Gemarra than a typical 16 year old boy who takes to his learning at one of the good Yeshivas in Israel.

Practically, if you and your spouse grew up secular and became Orthodox, it is still very possible that your sons can be "better" in learning than their peers in Jerusalem who come from a 7th generation Jerusalem family. Even with all the distractions of America and the possible conflicts of being a BT.

For whatever the reason, the system in America is a more analytical one and I know of several examples where extremely scholarly and prominent FFB families moved from Jerusalem to America and the boys from Jerusalem had to work to catch up to the boys in America.

Neither you nor your children should feel that you are behind in anyway. It simply isn't true. (Details of both stories changed)
SECTION 3: CUSTOMS

Rabbi Mordechai Fishman provided the original material for this section and I am deeply grateful.

It is almost impossible to overstate the importance of customs (minhagim) for an Orthodox person. People are extremely proud of their minhagim. It identifies them with their community and creates a strong emotional bond within a family.

As an example, during World War II when the Nazi's invaded Poland in 1939, Rov Chaim Ozer Grodzinski (1863-1940) lived in Vilna and was A leader of world Jewry. The Yeshivas of Poland and Russia fled to Vilna, and looked to Rov Chaim Ozer for both physical and spiritual guidance. Even though Europe was in flames and it was a time of tremendous upheaval, he insisted that each Yeshiva maintain its distinctive customs and identity. One would think that at a time of such destruction, the small nuances of Jewish life would play second fiddle to the practical physical and communal spiritual needs. However, that wasn't the case. He made sure that each Yeshiva "remained separate" and preserved its own special flavor.

A friend of mine has a daughter who recently got married. She asked him if she should light candles the way her own mother does or the way her husband's family lights candles. My friend told her that, since it is "just" a women's custom, she should stay with the way her mother does it. At that point my friend's wife who was listening, barged in the room and said, "What are you talking about, don't pretend you are so easy going, you made me change from my how my mother lights candles to how your mother lights."

# Chapter 20: Shabbos Customs

Preparing for Shabbos

Erev Shabbos itself is a special time. The children should help with the preparations which are fun and not a burden. Many people prepare stories and Divrei Torah ahead of time. The food and atmosphere of the house should be different than the weekday. Friday night is a special time for husband and wife.

Lighting Candles

Halacha

* Should your table be set before Shabbos?

* Should one light the candles first or say the blessing first?

* Can a woman daven Mincha after lighting candles?

* Is a person obligated to accept Shabbos before sunset?

Minhag

* Should one begin the custom of baking Challah on erev Shabbos?

* How long before Shabbos should you light candles?

* Should you light with candles or oil?

* Should you give tzedaka before lighting?

* Should you say the Yehi Ratzon tefillah while lighting the candles?

* How many candles should a woman light?

* Who should a woman pray for? (her children and family)

Early Shabbos

During the summer time when sunset can be rather late, many people accept Shabbos early. Listed below are some of the considerations to keep in mind when accepting Shabbos early.

Halacha

* When is the earliest a person can accept Shabbos?

* Should you make sure to daven Mincha before plag haMincha?

* Does one's wife have to accept Shabbos at the same time as her husband?

Preparing for the Sabbath meal and Kiddush

Halacha

* Should the challos be on the table during Kiddush?

* What size kiddush cup should be used?

* How full should your Kiddush Cup be?

* Should you sit or stand for Kiddush? (Is there a difference between Friday night and the daytime Kiddush and should you sit down after reciting "Vayichulu" on Friday night?)

* Can you use whiskey for Kiddush? (If yes do you have to use a becher that can hold a rivi'is measure?)

* Should you drink from the becher first or should you "pour off" to serve others first?

Minhag

* When singing Sholom Aleichem should you sing the stanza of Tzeitzchem La Sholom?

* What else should you sing before Kiddush? (i.e. Aishes Chayil, Askinu Seudasa, Ribon Olamim; )

* Should one use wine or grape juice?

* Should/when do you give the children a blessing?

Blessing over the Challah

Halacha

* Before reciting the blessing should anything be done to the challah and if yes what?

* While holding the challos, where should the challah you will be cutting be placed?

* Where should you cut the challah?

* Should you dip the challah in salt?Is there a difference between Friday night and Shabbos day?

* Do you eat from the challah first?

* How much has to be eaten?

Minhag

* It is a good idea to give the first slice (after you) to your wife.

* Should you leave the end of the challah?

The Sabbath Day meal

Halacha

* Can one eat or drink before Davening?

*Should one repeat Kiddush at the meal even if he already heard Kiddush?

*Do you have to say a blessing on dessert? Does it make a difference what's being served for dessert?

Minhag

* Are there any specific foods to be eaten? (garlic, gefilte fish, egg salad, chopped liver, chicken and potato kugel)

* Is it important to eat something hot with each meal? (i.e. chicken soup Friday night and cholent during the day)

* Are there any specific songs to sing (I.e.Tzur Mishelo)?

* What should be eaten for the third meal?

Blessing after the meal

Halacha

* What should you do if you forgot to include Retzai?

* When three people ate together who should lead the blessing after the meal?

* When saying Bircas Hamazon with three men at the table should you use a kiddush cup?

* Should everyone say Bircas HaMazon together together?

Sabbath Prayers

* Lecha Dodi Sing or say?

* How should you turn around to say Bo'ie V'Sholom and when should you turn back?

* When you say Mizmor Shir after Lecha Dodi, do you sit or stand?

* Should you say Hodu before Mincha?

* If and when should Perkei Avos be said?

Motzaei Shabbos

Halacha

* Should you say Vayitein Lecha during Maariv?

* Should you sit or stand for Havdala?

* Should you place a tablecloth on the table and light candles?

* What should you eat for Melava Malka?

Minhag

* How early in the month can you say Kiddush Levana? (this is a very complex subject)

* How early can you make Havdala and start doing melacha?

* Should you allow the wine at Havdala to overflow?

* Should you dip your fingers into the wine? (Various Customs)

* Who may drink the wine other than one reciting the Havdala?

* Should you sing Elihayu HaNavi, Got Fun Avraham, or any other Piyutim after Havdala?

* Should you wear Shabbos clothing on Motzei Shabbos?

# Chapter 21:  
Holiday Customs

Rosh HaShana

Erev Rosh HaShana

* Do you go to the cemetery to daven at the graves of your ancestors or the graves of Tzaddikim?

* Do you go to the Mikveh and if yes how many time should you immerse yourself?

* Should you fast and if yes until what time?

* Should you get a haircut?

* There are several customs relating to the nullification of vows.

The night of Rosh HaShana

Halacha

* Do you dip the challah in honey, salt or both?

Minhag

* The shape of the challah, round vs. braided.

* Which Simonim (signs) should you use (i.e. dipping the apple in honey, carrots, fish, head of fish or sheep, pomegranate, etc.) and in which order (apple first or seven species of the land of Israel first?)

* Do you do the Simanim both nights (some, all, or none)?

* Should you say the Yehi Ratzon tefillah with Hashem's name?

* Do you eat bitter foods (horseradish, vinegar, pickles, etc.)?

* And if you do eat bitter foods, do you eat them:

A) As part of foods (i.e. vinegar in cole slaw)

B) In products. (i.e. mayonnaise)

C) In cooked products.

D) Until when do you refrain from bitter foods (Shmini Atzeret?)

* What should you use to say שהחיינו (Shehecheyanu) on the second night (new fruit, new clothing, etc.)?

The Festival Days of Rosh HaShana

* Should you wear a kittel (white shroud)?

* Should you wear a kittel the first year you're married?

* Should you wear white clothes (i.e yarmulke, tie, etc.)?

* Should you daven Shemoneh Esrei louder than usual?

* Can or should you eat before Tekias Shofar?

* Can you take a nap on Rosh HaShana? (Is there a difference between the first and second day?)

Tashlich

Halacha

* Should you throw bread crumbs into a natural body of flowing water (like a pond or a river?

Minhag

* Should you go on Rosh HaShana? (If yes, before or after Mincha?)

10 days of Teshuva/ Aseres Yemei Teshuva

Halacha

* Should you eat only Pas Yisroel products?

Minhag

* When should you do Kaparos?

* What should you use for Kaparos?

* What is the meaning of Aseres Yemei Teshuvah?

* Should you go to a Shabbos Shuva Drasha?

* What does the rabbi discuss in a traditional Shabbos Shuva Drasha?

Yom Kippur

Erev Yom Kippur

Halacha

* Do you have to ask forgiveness from those you have wronged?

* When should the Seuda HaMafsekes be finished?

Minhag

* Should you prepare the davening and Vidui ahead of time?

* How many meals should you eat the day before Yom Kippur?

* Are there any specific foods such as kreplach that should be eaten?

* Should you go to the mikveh?

* Discuss the custom of giving charity on Erev Yom Kippur

* Should you bless your children?

* What should be eaten during each meal?

* Should you wear your kittel during the Seuda HaMafsekes?

Yom Kippur

Halacha

* Should you light a yahrzeit candle?

* Should you wear a kittel?

* How early can you accept Yom Kippur?

Minhag

* Saying Tefilla Zakka

* Saying the Shirei HaKavod (Gates of Honor) after Maariv?

Motzaei Yom Kippur

***** What "fire" should be used to recite Havdalah?

* Should you eat a Festive meal? (dairy or meat?)

* Should you start building your Sukkah?
Sukkos

Sukkah

* Walls: wood, canvas, fiberglass, etc.

* S'chach: bamboo sticks, mats, slats, greenery.

* Placing a sink in the Sukkah.

* Should you build it yourself?

* How much should you spend on your Arba Minim?

Halacha

* On the first night of Sukkos, what time may Kiddush be recited?

* The blessing of Lesheiv BaSukkah with Kiddush or with the Blessing of HaMotzie over the bread.

* Sleeping in the Sukkah.

* What should you do in case of rain on the first night of Sukkos?

* Do women have to eat/sleep in a Sukkah?

* What can you eat outside of a Sukkah (bread, crackers)?

Minhag

* Mentioning the names of the the Ushpizin.

The Intermediate Days

* Going to a Simcha Beis HaShoavos.

* Wearing Tefillin?

* Should you have a festive meal on Chol HaMoed?

* What is appropriate dress on Chol HaMoed?

* What is appropriate recreation on Chol HaMoed?

* Is it important to use your vacation days to be with your family on Chol HaMoed?

Hoshana Rabbah

Halacha

* When should you put down your lulav and esrog during Hoshanos?

Minhag

* Do you get Hoshanna's for every member of the family?

* Should you eat a full Shabbos style festive meal?

* Any specific foods to be eaten? (kreplach, etc)

* Do people stay up all night on Hoshana Rabbah?

* Is it just another Chol HaMoed day?

* Why is the davening different and what is the importance of the day?

Shemeni Atezeres

* What time should Kiddush be recited for the evening meal?

* Eating in the Sukkah?

* Sleeping in the Sukkah?

* Going to HaKafos?

* Should you make an official "leaving the Sukkah"?

Chanukah

Halacha

* How long should the candles burn on Friday night? (what should one do with children's Menorahs's)

* What time should you light the Menorah?

* Should you light indoors, outdoors, on the table or at a window?

* On Motzaei Shabbos, what takes precedence: Havdalah or lighting the Menorah?

Minhag

* Dreidel and/or kvitlach; custom or myth?

* Special foods: latkes, donuts or dairy foods

* Do you give presents? (many people don't)

* Do you give gelt (money)?

* Is there a special night to give gelt?

* It is customary to tip your children's Rabbeim/Moros.

Purim

Taanis Esther

* Machatzis HaShekel for you and/or your children?

* Mishloach Manos-many people give to those they are in a fight with

* Do children give their own Mishloach Manos?

Halacha

* Should you eat a seuda at night?

* How many seudas during the day?

Minhag

* When and how much alcohol should you drink?

* Wine, beer or other alcoholic beverages?

* Do you eat kreplach?

( **NOTE:** there are 3 times of the year that we eat kreplach:   
HoShana Raba, Erev Yom Kippur and Purim.)

Erev Pesach

* Should one sell Chometz Gamor?

* It is a custom to tip One's Rabbi when you sell your Chometz.

* If one is arriving home late, can the family members eat first?

* What type of light should one use for Bedikas Chometz?

* What is the layout of your Ka'arah?

* What do you use for the Zero'ah?

* Who leans at the various leaning points during the Seder?

* Do all members of the family wash their hands for Urchatz?

* What do you use for Marror?

* Do you recline when eating Korech?

* Do you eat Gebrokts?

* Do you wear tefillin on Chol Ha Moed?

* Should you say the Haggada on Shabbos HaGadol?

* How long before Pesach do we stop eating matzoh?

* Do we say Hallel in shul after Maariv before the sedarim?

* What do you use for Karpas?

* What is your recipe for Charoset?

* Do all the people at the seder say Kiddush at the Seder?

* What is the process you use for the Afikoman - steal or hide?

* Who opens the door for Shefoch Chamoscho?

* Do you 'mish'?

* Do you recite Shir Hashirim after the seder?

* Do you eat a special seudah on Acharon shel Pesach?

Seder Night

The seder is the most important night of the year and many people put lots of effort into making it exciting and fun for the kids. They pass out candies, have props, etc.

* Wine or grape juice? (men, women and children)

* Red wine, white wine, sweet wine or dry wine?

* Mevushal or non Mevushal wine?

* Who should lean while drinking the wine (men, women, children in the presence of their father)?

* Does the whole family wash for urchatz?

* Who should say the Ma Nishtana ?

* How should you spill the wine during the ten plagues (makkos) and for Datzach, Adash, B'Ahav?

* How much Matzah should be used for Motzie Matzah?

* Should the Afikomen be eaten before Chatzos?

* Who should lead the bentching?

* Do you need to buy a present for your wife? YES!!!!

* Should you say Halell in shul at the end of Maariv?

* Should you wear a kittel?

* Who should pour the wine?

* Should you allow for the "stealing" of the Afikomen?

* Do you lean while eating Korech?

* Should you say Shir HaShirim after the Seder?

Chol HaMoad and end of Pesach

* Should you eat Matzah every day?

* Should you attend a Neilas HaChag?

* Where can one purchase Chometz after Pesach?

Between Pesach and Shavuous

* Should you use "Shlissel" Challah the Shabbos after Sukkos

and Pesach?

* Should you keep the "first" or "second half?

* Going to a wedding (chasunah) during the other "half".

* Listening to "sefirah" music?

* Should you not get a haircut from Pesach until Shavous?

Shavous

* Should you eat dairy products, If yes, when?

* Should you stay up on Shavuos night?

* Should the house be decorated with greenery?

* Should you sit or stand for Kiddush for Shauos, Sukkos and Pesach?

# Chapter 22:

Lifecycle Customs

(Some of the following are questions of minhag, others are questions of tzinius, and yet others are a question of the evil eye, all important to the lifestyle of an Orthodox person.)

Pregnancy & Birth

*What kind of tests should you do during pregnancy?

*Which Segulos should one do to help ensure an easy birth?

*When should a person inform family or friends of the impending birth?

*Can you shop for the baby before the child is born?

*Could one have a baby shower?

*Which blessing, (HaTov v'HaMativ, Shehecheyanu) should be recited at birth?

*At what point does a women become a Niddah during labor?

Naming a Baby

* Who should your child be named after?

* Speaking to the Rabbi about what is a proper name

* Naming after someone who passed away at a young age (and what's considered a young age).

* Naming after someone who died a tragic death.

* Naming after a woman who had no children.

* Giving a child a name that the child would not appreciate.

* Naming a child after a non-religious person.

* When should a baby girl be named?

* Who is honored at a Bris?

* Who has the right to choose the name first?

Bris and Shalom Zochar

Minhag

* What should be served at the Sholom Zachar? (i.e. beer and chickpeas)

* Should one try to make the Sholom Zachar in the same house where the child is?

* The recitation of Krias Shema the night before the Bris.

* Should one stay up learning or davening the night before the Bris?

* Should the honor of carrying in the baby be given to anyone specific?

* Must one honor his father as Sandak before his father-in-law?

* Should the Seuda be milchig or fleishig?

Pidyon HaBen

Halacha

* Is it okay to ask the kohen for the coins back?

Minhag

* When should the Pidyon HaBen take place? (Must the baby have completed thirty 24 hour periods before the Pidyon?

* What type of coins should be used?

* Should the baby be decked up in jewelry?

* Should the Seuda begin before or after the actual Pidyon takes place?

Upsherin

* Should you wait until the age of 3 to cut your son's hair?

* Should any ceremony take place at age 3? If yes, what type of ceremony?

Bar Mitzvah

* When should your son begin to wear Tefillin?

* Should there be a Seuda on your son's thirteenth birthday? (Can it be postponed?)

* What kind of Seuda?

* Who should be invited?

* Must he read his entire Torah portion or is the Haftorah enough?

* Is he to be considered a "righty" or "lefty" (for someone who uses both hands)?

* What kind of speech does he need to give?

* Do we throw candies at the Bar Mitzvah Boy?

Engagement & Wedding

There are dozens of books dealing with engagements and weddings. We have listed here a few examples of customs. (One should consult with their Rabbi for the specifics of how the ceremony should take place, included below are some of the things one should take note of in preparation of the wedding.)

* Should one write a Taanim at the time of engagement?

* Which presents should each party give to the other?

(Although generally these are not "custom" based, one may want to insure that the other party does not feel slighted.)

* For how long before the wedding should the two parties cease seeing each other at what point should they cease talking to each other.

* The Aufruf: Candies, "peckelach", or no throwing at all?

* From which point is one required to have a shomer?

* Breaking of the plate after reading the Teanaim.

* Who should be giving the kallah blessings at the Kabalas Panim?

* When should the kittel be put on?

* Wearing a coat over the kittel?

* Putting ash on the forehead?

* Wearing jewelry during the chuppah?

* At what point does she begin to wear a Sheitel? (at the Chasuna or the next day)

* Untying any knots i.e. tie and shoes before the chuppah.

* Do the chosson and kallah hold hands walking out of the chuppah.

* "The mitzvah tantz"

#

SECTION 4:

APPENDIXES

# Appendix 1:

Biographies of Contributing Writers

Rabbi Avraham Steinberg

As a pulpit rabbi and as an educator, Rabbi Avraham Steinberg שליט״א employs a unique communication style that is dynamic and inspiring, as well as structured and clear. His excitement for all areas of Torah learning is contagious, and his talmidim are coached to mastery of their limmudim, giving them a sense of satisfaction, confidence, and thirst for more. Rabbi Steinberg has taught at Manhattan Day School, Torah Academy of Greater Philadelphia, Kosloff Torah Academy, and the Talmudical Yeshiva of Philadelphia.

Hailing from Teaneck, New Jersey, Rabbi Steinberg learned at Yeshiva Shaar HaTorah in Queens, and earned a Bachelor's degree in Psychology from Touro College. He is thoroughly trained in classic yeshiva style learning, and has disseminated many of the Chiddushei Torah of his Rosh Yeshiva, Rav Zelig Epstein zt"l, one of the last remaining Torah greats from the European yeshivas. Rabbi Steinberg's Torah interests are well-rounded and include Parshanus Hamikra, Iyunim Bahalacha, Mussar, Chassidus, and Hashkafa. He has taught numerous text-based classes in all of these disciplines.

For the last nine years, Rabbi Steinberg has served as the Rav of the Young Israel of the Main Line. From 2002-2004, he was the Assistant Rabbi of Congregation Ohab Zedek on Manhattan's Upper West Side. His approach to teaching Halacha is thus based on first-hand observation of the questions that arise in Jewish homes.

Rabbi Steinberg is the author of Sefer Maaseh Rokem and The Year in Drashos, as well as other books and articles in both Lashon Hakodesh and English. He has semicha from Yeshiva Shaar HaTorah and the Machon LeTorah Ulehoraah, and was also granted Yadin-Yadin ordination. Rabbi Steinberg and his wife Dini reside in Bala Cynwyd with their six children.

Rabbi Ahron Lopiansky

Rabbi Lopiansky is the Rosh Yeshiva of the Yeshiva of Greater Washington. He is the author of numerous scholarly works, in Hebrew and English.

Rabbi Mordechai Fishman:

Rabbi Mordechai Fishman serves as Rav of Tzeirei Agudas Yisroel of Passaic and serves as Menahel of Be'er Hagolah Institutes. He has published Sifrei Oitzer HaShulchan on Shulchan Orach and writes extensively on Halacha and Chinch.

# Appendix 2:

A request for interesting Ba'al Teshuvah stories and a disclaimer

If you have any interesting Ba'al Teshuvah stories, please send them to me. I hope to add additional chapters. If you have any suggestions or POSITIVE comments, please email me. My email is steinkurt@gmail.com.

Chapter 1 "The unwritten rules of the unspoken word" and Chapter 5; "Customs" were written by Rabbi Steinberg and Rabbi Fishman respectively. For ease of reading, it was necessary to insert some material written by other people. If there are any mistakes, please attribute them to me and please let me know.

# Appendix 3:

Please use this book in conjunction with your Local Orthodox Rabbi

The main point behind this book is to give the newly Orthodox person a broader framework than they currently have and to encourage them to discuss whatever they read with their Local Orthodox Rabbi. I am clearly not a Rabbinic source and although I had this guidebook checked by several noted halachic and hashkafic authorities, I am positive I made mistakes. Almost every point here can be qualified, expanded upon or argued.

The outreach Rabbi's and Rebbetzins who you have met are some of the most talented, dedicated and hard-working people in the Orthodox world. They are certainly your best source.

This was written from a "charedi" point of view. I am sure that people involved with the Modern Orthodox programs or Chassidic programs have different experiences.

# Appendix 4: Glossary

**Arizal**....... Isaac (ben Solomon) Luria Ashkenazi (1534[1] – July 25, 1572) was a foremost rabbi and Jewish mystic in the community of Safed in the Galilee region of Ottoman Syria. He is considered the father of contemporary Kabbalah,his teachings being referred to as Lurianic Kabbalah.

**Ba'al Teshuvah**... A Jew who turns to embrace Orthodox Judaism

**Baruch Hashem**..... Thank G-d (Literally: Blessed is G-d)

**BT**............... Same as Ba'al Teshuva

**Chasidic**...... a branch of Orthodox Judaism that promotes spirituality through the dissemination and internalization of Jewish mysticism as the fundamental aspect of the faith. It was founded in 18th-century Eastern Europe by Rabbi Israel Baal Shem Tov as a new and rich perspective against overly legalistic Judaism.

**Chuppah**..... Wedding Canopy

**Divrei Torah.....** Words of Torah

**FFB**..... Frum From Birth: A person who was born and raised in the Orthodox world **.**

**Frum**..... Orthodox

**Halacha**..... Jewish Law

**Hashkafa**..... Outlook on life

**Kashrut**..... Kosher

**Kiruv Family**..... A bubbly, outgoing, financially successful Orthodox family with multiple well-behaved children who will welcome you in with cookies, a spare bedroom, and an open mind. They were also raised secular and can relate to you and your parents. They are always smiling, never angry and can recite every word from the Sound of Music. On key. The husband went to Yale where he was Phi Betta Kappa and All-American Lacrosse player. He is a partner at a hedgefund. The wife was a competitive figure skater and is a practicing dentist. However she currently only works 3 days a week as her 8 children are her priority. They are thin and beautiful.

**Klal Yisroel**..... The Jewish people

**Machalah**..... "sickness"- people refer to cancer as "the sickness" and won't say the word "cancer."

**Midrashic**..... The body of exegesis of Torah texts along with homiletic stories as taught by Chazal (Rabbinical Jewish sages of the post-Temple era) that provide an intrinsic analysis to passages in the Tanakh.

**Mikvah**..... a bath used for the purpose of ritual immersion in Judaism.

**Minyan**..... In Judaism, a minyan is the quorum of ten Jewish adults required for certain religious obligations.

**Misnagdic**.....is a Hebrew word meaning "opponents." It is the plural of misnaged or mitnaged. The term "Misnagdim" commonly refers to opponents of Hasidism. The term "Misnagdim" gained a common usage among Jews living in Europe as the term that referred to Ashkenazi Jews who opposed the rise and spread of early Hasidic Judaism.

**Mitzvah**.....Hebrew word mitzvah meaning "commandment," refers to precepts and commandments as commanded by G-D.

**Seminary**.....A Jewish seminary is a Jewish educational institution. In this context, a seminary is usually for women.

**Talmud**..... a central text of Rabbinic Judaism. It is also traditionally referred to as Shas, a Hebrew abbreviation of shisha sedarim, the "six orders.

**Tanach**..... Tanakh is an acronym of the first Hebrew letter of each of the Masoretic Text's three traditional subdivisions: Torah ("Teaching", also known as the Five Books of Moses), Nevi'im ("Prophets") and Ketuvim ("Writings")—hence TaNaKh. The Tanakh is the canon of the Hebrew Bible.

**Tzedeka**..... Charity

**Yenta**..... Yenta

**Yerushalayim**..... Jerusalem

**Yeshiva**..... A yeshiva is an institution for boys or young men focused on the study of religious texts, especially Torah study and the Talmud.

**Yom Tov /Yontif**.....Holiday- usually refers to Passover, Shavous, or Sukkos

#

#  About the Author

#  Kurt Stein is a Senior Vice President-Wealth Management at Merrill Lynch. He is a popular speaker who has lectured to a broad range of audiences throughout North America and Israel.

An Honors Graduate of the University of Florida (1989), Kurt is fortunate to have spent six years learning in Yeshiva Aish HaTorah in Jerusalem. Along with his wife Melissa and their 6 children, Kurt resides in Passaic, New Jersey.

Kurt can be contacted at: steinkurt@gmail.com

# 
