 
Dear Lady..!

Let Your Home

Be Heaven

By

Dr. A Maria Theresa

Year of Publication: 2015

© Copyright 2015 by Dr. A. Maria Theresa.

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Dedication

Dedicated to my mother, Mrs. Agnes.

Irrespective of the many hurdles and rough paths that life has thrown in her way in the name of domestic issues within the family, the strength with which this one woman tied her family together is the core and trigger for this book.

This 80-year old woman upheld herself as the innocent daughter, strong-willed pillar for her spouse, the strict yet loving mother, the respected and adored mother-in-law (not an easy feat at all!) and the kind and always lovable granny for her grandchildren. She has been the role model for me in every walk of life and she continues to live with us through her values and lessons that she imbibed in me. Dear Mother, this book is a dedication to everything you were for me.

Acknowledgement

I acknowledge the effort put forth by

Dr. T. John Paulus as the editor and translator,

Mr. J. Ignesh Paul as the translator and proof reader,

Mr. J. Jerry Paul as Photo editor and proof reader.
Author's Note

"Metamorphosis of seeds into crops is the secret of Nature

Transformation of words into an Article is the skill of a writer"

I surrender my heartiest gratitude to Him, for having instigated and goaded me to think of and write on this topic. Because, on glancing at my work once again, I am awed that it was written by me.

Though a woman might pray for years together to beget a child, she cannot bear the fetus in her womb for more than 10 months. However much fondly the parents raise their daughters, the daughters cannot remain with their parents and have to leave their maternal home one day.

Most parents wish to get their daughters married to a good man and rejoice in watching her lead a happy life. As a result, 95% of the girls bask in this marital bliss. But there are many women who enter into this sacred pact and get entangled in such a way that the life being led is not appreciated either by their parents or by the society

Few end up faking their life. While a few others flee from the same. Why should one flee? If we are true to ourselves, then there is no need to either fake or flee, correct?

Many families in recent times are stunned to a halt by women's ineptness. This book has been written based on the analysis of the reasons behind the dysfunctions in domestic life.

Poet Bharthi's vision of the modern day woman is expressed in the literary form of words in this book, "Dear Lady..! Let Your Home Be Heaven".

It is no easy feat for a woman to attain a name and respect from all in the society. She has to fine tune herself in many ways to attain such an irrefutable reputation.

With this book, I have tried to provide some pointers that would help a girl live her life without much pain and woe, thoughtfully and happily with minimal issues.

Not only are all the facts and statements in this book deeply felt, but some are first hand experiences that have been penned down for the benefit of the readers. This book will most definitely be a guide to many a woman who wish to bring peace and harmony into their lives.
Preface

'Women are the eyes of a country'. 'Women are the household lamps that radiate light'. True, as long as they remain ideal.

Goodness thrives and evil gets defeated because of a woman. How far is this true and accurate? It would not be sufficient if women alone say a resounding "Yes" in unison. The entire society needs to voice this out! But is the modern day woman living this kind of life? Doesn't the society's skepticism sound genuine?

Like how every creation in Nature has more than one dimension, the unique creation called "woman" has multiple aspects and dimensions. A woman has to showcase her multi-dimensional persona of being a daughter, sister, daughter-in-law, worker, mother, grandmother, a member of the society and so forth.

Gone are the days when a woman was just a decorative piece at home whose only duty was to cook whatever her husband provided without any questions. The modern day woman dislikes being an ornament. When there is a surge in the development of education, networking, technology, job opportunities, communications, there is an equivalent growth in a woman's social, scientific, cultural and educational aspects too. Many a time, women not only equal men in caliber but also surpass them.

Very often we come across parents who are insensitive to the different stages a girl dons and still consider even their adolescent daughters to be mere 5-year olds. But modern girls feel that they have acquired enough worldly exposure supplemented with arrogance that they too are equal earners.

Many nubile girls stay as spinsters, as they enjoy all securities including financial. This live-alone mass do not anticipate their future problems. Unable to live with the same vigorous determination, in a spur of the moment, a few slip in the interim, rupturing their reputation.

Women take drastic decisions today with no preparation for tomorrow. This lingering worry is alarming.

In the midst of this cultural inconsistency, Lady, how do you plan to make your residence sacred?

In this book, practical ideas and solutions are discussed in simple language. These ideas emerged from my experience in teaching some twenty thousand juveniles over a span of twenty five years and in observing almost an equal number of students. I hope this book will help in transforming women into better beings. Men can also read this book to understand how precious their women can be!!

A. Maria Theresa (The Author)

Chapters

TAKE APT DECISION

DISCRETION MARKS YOUR INGENUITY

REALIZE YOUR POTENTIAL

WHERE LIES YOUR STRENGTH

WHAT IS YOUR WEAKNESS?

YOUR AIM

LET A BETTER SHARE BE YOURS

DO YOU LISTEN TO OTHERS?

TURNINGS ARE TO BE NEGOTIATED CAREFULLY

TRACKS DO HAVE UPS AND DOWNS

PERSEVERANCE PAYS OFF

NO PROBLEM IS MAMMOTH

WHY DO WE HAVE HURDLES AND FENCES?

BE MAGNANIMOUS TO ACCEPT MISTAKES

LEND AN EAR TO ADVICE

NO DISGRACE IN COMPROMISING

EXHIBIT PATIENCE, YOU CAN

LADY! EMPATHY IS THE KEY

WISDOM DEFEATS SELFISHNESS

LEARN TO LIVE WITH MINIMAL DESIRES

LESSONS A RIVER TEACHES

SOLVE THE PROBLEM, NOT DRAG IT

NO DEATH-KNELL FOR SUSPICION

BURDENED SOULS! LISTEN A BIT

REACHED THE LIMITS OF BOREDOM?

RELUCTANT TO DO THE GIVEN TASK?

LET BIRDS FLY FREELY

AND FINALLY.....

Chapter 1

Take apt decision

The decisions one makes have the power to completely alter the remaining part of life. Who is the deciding authority and how should the decision be taken? In an ever changing world, with constant alterations in the environment, no one can force another on any decision and neither can it be taught. There are many women in a state of perpetual suffering due to decisions taken in a fit of anger and haste. A toddler doesn't have the capability to decide, but a twenty year old girl is expected to have mastered the art of decision-making. During examinations, a student is given the freedom of choice to pick and answer any question. Similar options are available in the journey of life too.

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own common sense – Lord Buddha

Visualize the scenario of a lady carrying milk in two cans. Milk from one of the cans spilt unexpectedly. She sat there crying for a long time over it. Reaching home and boiling the other milk, she realized that it too had spoilt during the time she wasted crying over the spilt one. Life devoid of occasional sadness and business without incurring losses at times are improbable. If we continue to dwell on the grief over the bygones, the remaining part of life may also wilt away. Let us learn to see the goodness in every occurrence.

It is said that decisions should be taken when we are in a state of calm. When taken in times of anger, irritation or fatigue, they can never be well-balanced ones. The decisions we take must seem correct to us at all times. If the mind is wavery on the accuracy of it, the implication is that the decision is wrong. Let the decision be rational. This is what Wisdom of Solomon teaches us to follow. "For God loveth none but him that dwelleth with wisdom"

In families, work spots and organizations, if the decisions taken are majority-centric, such decisions will not be wrong, lawless or regrettable but instead will be godly and wise. An astute decision making is the most essential quality people in higher positions should possess.

The right to take decisions is not the privilege of elders alone. There should be a sense of equality. Endless fights ensue if the new entrant's (daughter-in-law's) views are not accepted or the daughter-in-law thinks the old hag is uncultured and ignorant. If mutual respect and compromise are ensured, there will remain peace and tranquility that are characteristic of a holy place. If the new entrant to the house doesn't enjoy the freedom to prepare the day's menu or to go out with her husband, then such a house sooner or later will change into a warzone. All concerned should definitely ponder over the above mentioned point.

The art of decision-making doesn't depend on age, qualification, personality or standard of living.

At times, at least in minor matters, allow children to decide. But do monitor them. It may help them acquire the capability to decide important matters later and flourish in all walks of life. An anecdote:

"Why didn't you get married?" asked his friends to an old man.

"I didn't meet one fit to be mine" said the man.

"Not even one girl in your lifetime?" persisted his friends.

"Once I met a flawless girl" said the man.

"Why did you miss her then?" they insisted.

"She too was seeking a flawless man for her" said the poor old man.

Another real life story: A man from the North decided to get married only after successfully completing his school final examinations. More than 50 attempts were not fruitful. Age caught up with him. Little did he understand that no grandma would be willing to become his life partner, no matter how much his perseverance towards his goal was. At times, when our goals do not make sense, we are compelled to rethink on other available options and change our course.

Sometimes situations arise in which we are forced to make decisions based on a gut feeling and intuition but not on any rational consideration. In such a situation, how does one make a decision? Here comes the great thinker Udhayamurthy's suggestion:

"Intuition permeates from afar beyond our reasoning; check whether it is realistic and then act."

There are some people who comment on the decisions of others from a third person's perspective. "If I were there, had it been entrusted to me I would have done it excellently". It is very easy to pass such remarks as we weren't in that situation, isn't it?

Beyond certain age, girls should have the maturity to decide on important matters, especially in selecting their life-partners – of course with the able guidance of their parents. After commitment, humans cannot backtrack just like snakes molt and slither away.

Train of thoughts can be changed

Scholastic pursuits can be dropped

Treasures can be gladly jettisoned, but

Life partner may not be changed.

Hence, you should use your skill and guile before-hand. Reckless decisions on such matters have left many a woman in eternal melancholy.

There are some decisions that are adaptable with changing circumstances. When a road is closed to traffic, we don't bump on the obstacle; neither do we create a ruckus about it. We detour and continue to travel. At traffic junctions, as long as the red light glows, we grind to a halt and wait, whatever be our urgency.

There are decisions that are our birthright; not even our parents should interfere in them. Here is a real life story:

A lady, immediately after marriage, insisted her husband to detach from their joint family opting for a nuclear one. Her husband procrastinated to act, as he deemed such an act is contrary to familial devotion. The lady went to her maternal home for her first child delivery. With the instigation of her mother, she did not return post-delivery and compelled her husband overtly to act on her demand for a nuclear family. Her husband tried to pacify her. Mediation by many was futile. Years went by. Meanwhile her mother passed away leaving her alone. Now learning the lesson of her life, she came back to her husband but alas, he had by this time married another girl. The above incident illustrates that there should be a threshold level to hold on to bravado and arrogance.

Making pertinent decisions at important stages in life is not a cakewalk; it needs acumen and wisdom as mentioned earlier. These are boons granted by God. Dear Girl! If you possess them, your decisions will be praised and respected.

Chapter 2

Discretion marks your ingenuity

"Oh Lord! If you bestow upon me, ingenuity as my protector, where is the room for any error in my life?" prayed Thayumanavar. Even well-known wise men beg for more wisdom to use their discretion. Then how much should ordinary ladies like us beseech the Lord to grant us the required ingenuity for the same?

Swans and Cranes living around the Manasarovar Lake (in the Himalayas) look similar outwardly. While cranes feed on fish and crabs, swan searches for algae to satisfy its hunger.

"In external appearance all look alike, but good and evil manifest in their actions and inactions distinctly distinguish them" says Kabir Das.

There is interconnection and entwinement between one's thought, speech, actions and habits. The first time I was assigned the task of evaluating the 12th class final examination papers, I was startled by the discourtesy and brutality of some of the educated people. Teachers of different age groups from different districts were deployed to a place in order to evaluate answer sheets. Like-minded ladies struck a friendship chord and formed a bevy. Their tastes were cheap. Jokes, taunts and innuendos bore double meaning, mostly vulgar. Inappropriate conversation, unnecessary laughter, talks inappropriate to the environment gave them a separate identity. Slowly others began to isolate them. I felt pity for the students they taught.

A college girl, a relative of mine, was to visit our house one day. She had started without giving prior information. After sunset, she could reach the town which was quite new to her. She began to cry. It was not the mobile phone era. The conductor of the bus offered to help, took her to a woman constable and two lady constables brought her to our house. Even today we are thankful to those two. The next day, the bus conductor came enquiring about our relative. We were truly overwhelmed by the gesture of the 'Good Samaritan'. But that esteemed notion was short-lived. Within days, we received a long letter. It was from that conductor of the bus. The wedded man with two children had asked if she would marry him. We didn't pursue it further, considering the girl's future.

For ladies, tears are not a protective shield or a weapon. Even if we are frightened internally, we should know how to at least pretend to be courageous.

In our familial circumstances, we may have a large number of relatives and friends. But all are not alike in behavior. The world remains the same since the beginning in this respect. In the beginning, the Garden of Eden contained the Forbidden Tree along with the others. The discretionary and reasoning powers of our forefathers were weak. Siblings Cain and Abel were the offspring's of the same parents, but they were radically opposite in character. Wolves and foxes can roam around disguised as innocent cows.

We should not mistake everything that is white as milk. Toddy too is white. Women get involved in unsolvable problems as they lack the maturity to discriminate people. They try to solve problems but get entangled in further stalemates. This number swells irrespective of whether they are educated or uneducated, city-bred or country-bred and poor or well-to-do.

Many problems can be avoided if women understand whom to smile at, whose acquaintance must be only up to the street and who can enter the house and the kitchen. A large number of women are not able to discriminate between good people against fraudsters and get cheated and lose money. Hearing their bragging and seeing their flamboyance, some women are enticed so as to lose even their chastity. To get remedy, they approach fake counsellors and astrologers and lose even the remaining money and peace of mind. These are not figments of my imagination but very real incidents that get reported in newspapers with portraits.

Today, ladies need not go out to buy problems; they come by their own will as freebies through Wi-Fi mode. Afraid of it, we cannot keep away from computers and cell phones. In today's world, everybody faces the compulsion of leaning and using computers and cellphones. Usually, scientific inventions are made not with the intention of bringing downfall and misery to mankind. But quickly, evil inseparably mixes with good utility. Unknowingly, many girls are cheated with the use of cellphone, social media and other websites. This has assumed a transfiguration to make people ask "who has not committed these mistakes." In this century, the society continues to rot because of the inefficiency to master the art of discrimination despite the modern technological advancement.

The sin of eating the Forbidden Fruit, though warned against it, falls on Eve along with her instigation of Adam to eat it. Thus, the first mistake was said to be committed by a woman. This trend continues in many families. Many Adams still remain susceptible. For the downfall of economic and social status of families men alone are not responsible. With a heavy heart, I have to accept that many families come to the street mainly because of the misadventures of women.

The art of discrimination pertains not only to things and environment but also to relatives and friends.

"In every family, there exists a jinn and an elf" says Joseph Roo. In every man, there will be an angel and a Satan. We cannot change the world. But, we can change ourselves. "Where there is a will, there is a way".

In many families, ladies are not able to even trust their husbands fully. Hence, they do not take home whole of their monthly salaries, as it will be spent on gambling or alcohol. Ladies should not consider the literal meaning to the statement, "whether grass-like or stone-like, husband is husband". Don't have a blind faith in this. This, in no way is to advise you to contradict him in all stances. But you should be aware of his circle of friends and expenses and act accordingly.

A lady, a cancer patient, was working extended time on the salary day. "Madam, your husband is waiting for you for long; you are very lucky", said her co-workers. "Not for me, but for my pay cheque; to booze with his friends", said the lady. Though the reply was said in a casual intonation, the hearts of those teasing her were shattered. Here was a stone-hearted wino, despite his wife's terminal disease. This is not an isolated case. For many working ladies, this type of experience is not new.

There are places where both men and women crowd and work together as teams. All are human beings and all are similar. But in nature.... Rain drops are quite identical in shape and property when they sail through the atmosphere. But when they fall on the red sand, penetrate through black soil or mix with gutter, their character differs. Similarly, even if the images are alike, based on the conditions where they are born & bred and on their circumstances and traditions, every individual is unique and this defines his or her character.

Not all who we come across are our friends and relatives. When ladies mingle with men, they should take time to understand them. They should exercise their discretionary power whenever necessary. While getting associated with men, we should set some limits for ourselves. This is not to advise you to always look at people with suspicion. You should be wise enough to discriminate a decent guy against an indecent goose.

Even with our blood relations, as time passes and when people assume new roles, our duties change. Before marriage, a girl might have paraded about her house as a daughter. After marriage, she becomes a wife, after child-birth, elevated as a mother and so on. She has to shoulder different responsibilities required at these stages. Now she is not able to treat everyone alike. As she progressively moves from the position of a daughter to wife and then to mother, the way of expressing love also changes. As soon as a son gets married, the mother should allow her son to give a special place in his life for his wife, however much she would have loved him. Similarly, a married man should display his astuteness in retaining the honorable place in his heart for his mother and carving an equally irreplaceable place for his wife. If you can discriminate one relation against the other and behave and treat accordingly, won't such houses become temples?!

Chapter 3

Realize your potential

The key to self-acceptance lies in first understanding oneself. On achieving self-acceptance, one can realize, understand and accept the others around him. And in this lies the absolute happiness of the Self.

"The first thing you must do is to try hard to understand 'who you are'. As it is the hardest thing you can ever crack" said Servandez.

If we can assess ourselves,

We won't feel proud about our beauty that is ephemeral,

Intellectual arrogance that may push us down to limbo,

Affluence that may vanish anytime and

Power of officialdom that can be snatched in no time.

In front of worldly knowledge, the scholastic pursuits and the long degrees after your name pale into insignificance, because we cannot master even a wee bit of an encyclopedia in our lifetime. Day by day there is tremendous growth and advancement in science, technology and communication. At the same time there are large number of secrets about the universe that are imperceptible, unknown and unreachable.

If we think about us for a moment, we can understand that we are insignificant. After peeling all the layers of an onion, it will be revealed that there is nothing inside it. Similarly, when we reach into the depths of our soul, we will discover that we too are trivial beings. With no accomplishment, we still have infinite sense of pride, ego, and attitude and so on.

Even the next minute is not guaranteed. Yet we can act fairly well till we exist. For that, we require the necessary knowledge to assess ourselves. That is why Socrates told us, 'Know Yourself'. This Greek philosopher was not accepted by his county men then. He corrected youngsters who lived a wayward life, inviting the wrath of the rulers. As usual, this fact too found acceptance too late. Hey gal! Socrates' words are dense with meaning. Yes, if you can know yourself, that itself is an achievement.

Diogenes of Sinope, also known as Diogenes the Cynic, walked around the bazaar in broad daylight with a lit lamp in his hand 'In search of man'. For many, his unconventional action looked wonderful, childish and insane. "Under the scorching sun, why do you walk with a lamp?" taunted people. Diogenes answered, "I am seeking man".

For people, Diogenes might have looked funny. The 'man' that Diogenes sought after, didn't exist that day. Even today we may not come across a 'complete man'. Don't seek such a man; God himself failed to create a flawless one.

Rather than seeking outwards, let us probe inwards and analyze ourselves. The results may be shocking. We can understand that we are not complete 'women'. This understanding will help us inch towards fullness.

By restraining our wandering five senses and focusing them towards our inner self, we may get solutions for some riddles. Thirumoolar called it 'self-probing knowledge'.

The five human senses wander boisterously if uncontrolled. If put to regulated use, the result will be immense pleasure. Hence let us regulate the use of our five senses – skin, mouth, eye, nose and ear.

Hey gal! Bliss and Fulfillment are not separate dimensions of life. The journey of life is in fact a sync of these two!
Chapter 4

Where lies your strength

What is our real strength? Is it knowledge? Physical strength, appearance, flamboyance, money power, courage, military strength, friends, relatives? Can't we list a few more? We are of the wrong notion that these are our strengths. On these assumptions we may behave in a manner that belittle others.

We must bring forth our inner strength at all times irrespective of our age– in distress, in happiness, while asleep and during loneliness or when working together in a group. Strength should be beneficial in whatever form it is exhibited. Which of the above listed items are long-lasting with us? A wise woman understands the nature of the above and acts accordingly.

Does intelligence imply strength? How does one measure intellect? A clear and authentic instrument has not yet been invented to measure the level of intelligence. Disciples of Paramartha Guru were less intelligent ones. They were asked to describe an elephant. Each touched one part of the elephant to describe how it looked. He who touched its legs declared that elephant looked like a pillar. One felt its ear and described the elephant to look like a winnowing pan. A third one felt one side of its belly and proclaimed that an elephant is similar to a wall. Similarly there is no standard foolproof measurement of intelligence. It is found that only 2 % of the human brain is utilized.

The brain power is measured based on the score in examinations and intelligence Quotient (IQ). Hence we cannot claim this method is fool proof. Can one be deemed a dullard just because of the lack of formal education? Thomas Alva Edison was expelled from school after being branded as 'dull headed'. How could he add more than one thousand inventions to his credit?

For my teacher, I am a fool

For you, I am an intellectual

For me, I am probing who I am – Albert Einstein.

How can we firmly assert that knowledge is strength?

Now let's discuss the validity of considering physical strength as the real strength. History does not give enough evidence to people having achieved much depending solely on the physical strength. Goliath, the Palestine warrior of Bible fame, walked tall with 6 ½ cubit height. His chest was wide enough to be covered by 52 kg brass armour. Yet he fell to David's pebble and sling. You might have seen very strong people being afraid of killing a centipede. Now you may agree that physical strength is not real strength.

Old stories would make us believe that The Mighty Lion is the king of the jungle. But does lion accept it? In TV program 'Animal World' you might have seen a single wild buffalo chasing a lion and the lion climbing a tree to escape. Also it was pathetic to see a lion being chased away by a few hyenas.

Foxes never fight other animals to kill and feast. It thrives on its cunning maneuver. Here goes a story: One day a fox saw a lion passing by. It began to tease the lion. "What a king of the jungle you are! Why don't you chase and attack the deer that is grazing?" Lion said "I never told I am the king of the jungle". It looked suspiciously and went off.

Eraianbu explained this in his own interesting way. If courage were the strength of man, Napoleon Bonaparte would not have remained at St. Helena till his death. True, Napoleon had enough courage to face any problem. But that didn't offer him a helping hand towards his end. History is replete with a large number of similar distressing stories. So we say courage is not our absolute strength.

How about domination? Does that signify strength and power? Today, many countries augment their inventories of arms and ammunitions and nuclear weapons. They are not for defense alone but also for threatening other countries and for bringing them under the hegemony of the aggressive nation. Remember? Gandhi's non-violence created history by opposing English repression. The whole world acknowledges it to be a tactical move worth emulating. Even Churchill, the Prime Minister of the mighty nation accepts his inability to stand the mass upheaval triggered by Gandhi, the apostle of peace.

If this man has wielded his knife,

I would have taken my gun,

Had he shown his gun,

I would have threatened with canon,

He projected truth as a weapon,

Weapon to fight truth is yet to be invented.

This was Churchill's reply at British parliament when confronted by opposition why Gandhi could not be checked by repression.

Some lift their collars and boast of their relatives and enumerate their names.

They may be right in their own way. But we are not born only to contain our enemies. A general perception is that we can achieve anything if we have genuine friends. These proud possessions may bring in partial success. But there is nothing that will stand by you till the end. This uncertainty is well explained by lyricist Kannadhasan in these famous verses:

In our life:

"Relatives remain within house, wife follows up to the street,

Son follows up to the wild, who follows till the end?"

In this world nothing is permanent. No guarantee that anything will stay permanently with us.

A hungry fish was chasing a small one keeping its mouth wide open. Smelling the imminent danger, some other small fish began to nibble its tail, some others continued to bite its body. The big fish felt it could do nothing. It withdrew and swam away. This interesting incident was broadcast in a television clip. Like the shoal of the fish, people jointly do things if found impossible to do alone. This way, for completing the noble causes, volunteers flock together and necessary money also flows in. During the Indian freedom movement, Gandhiji was not alone, people sharing similar views followed him in multitude. Mother Theresa didn't render her social services alone; many dedicated selfless souls backed her up.

Strength of Elephant lies in its trunk.

Strength of man lies in his confidence.

This faith and spiritual strength are inseparable. Spiritual strength gets stimulated by wisdom. Only with spiritual strength people have achieved though not qualified otherwise. Those with no spiritual strength live with the illusion that they are strong in something, which they are not. When the reality dawns on them they become frustrated and withdrawn.

Dear girl! The strength you yearn for, doesn't reside in your statuesque body, beauty, make up or in your erudition but in your spiritual status.

Beauty persists till youth extends,

Extravagance sustains till affluence sticks,

Body strength remains till health stays,

Muscular power augments till you are fed,

Physical activity continues till your heart beats,

Life exists till God wills.

Everyone is allowed to continue their activities till a pre-determined time. Dear girl! Till you live, live conscious of your strength.

Birds' strength lies in their wings,

Crab's strength lies in its legs,

Rulers' strength lies in their ministers,

Dear lady, where lies your strength?

Chapter 5

What is your weakness?

No external force can shatter a big iron pillar. Only the internally developed rust can, though not in one stroke. Similarly external forces do no harm to a woman. But she can succumb to a weak mind. Her weakness is exhibited in the form of servitude and symptoms of inferiority complex.

If we retrace history, it is found that women used to do hard labour equivalent to what men did. As time passed, women were subdued and weakened. Being humble is different from being repressed. Men wanted to see her as an object of beauty. He listed out a few characteristic features associated with beauty. Women willfully accepted to acquire these features. Slowly she became his slave. Such has been her degradation that the woman who showcased amazing bravery to fight against a tiger, is now reduced to a point where she trembles even for a mere cat or at least pretends to do so!

It is said that Japanese ladies have tender feet. They cannot run fast or walk for long. They follow a custom. Men prefer girls with small feet, so as soon as a girl child is born, her feet are wrapped tightly with rough cloth so that in due course it will look twiggy. Across many countries women take little food to look slim. These are not strengths neither are they aspects to be proud of. These are weaknesses that she has wilfully accepted.

There are some weaknesses that a woman is proud to portray. The modern day woman exudes happiness in stating that she doesn't know anything. She derives a mean satisfaction in declaring, 'I don't know how to cook', 'Oh! I am frightened'. Many girls who pretend to be afraid of slipping to the next room within their homes do not show any trace of fear for the things that would invoke the same in reality. They are not aware that it is their weakness. Some perform things which they should not have done ideally and proclaim with pride that they achieved something great to be the recipient of a lifetime award. It is only when the adverse after-effect emerges, that they find themselves in vale of tears.

Dear girl, you cannot find flawless people as mentioned elsewhere. People do commit mistakes, which does not imply we can also commit mistakes. It is possible to identify them and transform them into strengths.

An anecdote: An old king wanted to scale a mountain peak though he was sure of his inability. His ministers were skeptical about the king's stamina. Only one man named Andera promised to follow the king to the mountain. A few hours into the endeavor, the king began panting. "You are lazy. The king of our adjacent county is an able man. In terms of ability, you are nowhere near him", scoffed Andera. The infuriated king drew his sword and started chasing Andera. Andera raced towards the mountain peak followed by the angry King close on his heels. Upon reaching the peak, Andera turned and told the king, "My Lord! Forgive me for my offence I committed a while earlier. My intent to mock you was to push you to understand your capability." The king finally understood Andera's intent and praised him for his clever trick.

This above anecdote illustrates how some people shed their weakness in the face of challenges. The life of Madam Marie Curie is a prime example of such a feat. Owing to poverty, she had to serve a land lady. Offended by the abusive words used by the land lady, Marie Curie left the house, studied and achieved. Her scientific achievement earned her the Nobel Prize. The Nuclear world will remember her forever.

If caught in a hostile environment, the woman is capable of showcasing her physical strength too. Visualize this scenario: A large rock is about to fall on a helpless little child. Its mother blocks the rock merely with her muscular strength, a feat that cannot be accomplished in ordinary circumstances. Women can show muscular strength too if situation warrants. Do you remember how Jhansi Rani marshalled and led her armed forces against the British at a tender age?

Psychologist Freud has proclaimed a finding. 'When it comes to mental maturity, many people fail to grow beyond 13 years. Many women seldom make use of the God-given gift of logical thinking which is projected as the biggest weakness.' Remaining secluded, keeping others aloof, living without proper understanding and adjustments are some other weaknesses. Why do you alone stand as an exception to the other creations of God in this respect?

A lady's family includes her relatives also. For the benefit of majority of the members and for the lofty aims, if a woman adjusts herself and struggles genuinely she can be praise worthy. But in many families, we witness a different approach. Spurt in the number of nuclear families, disintegration of joint families, multiplication of old age homes and child protection homes – these are all not good signs of a prosperous society. Before marriage, a young man as a young eligible bachelor would have lived at least for a quarter century under the strict control of his father, affection of mother and love of siblings and relatives. Immediately after marriage, he is left nostalgic with only the lush green and sweet memories of the past. He is not able to give his sincere love to his wife. Neither does she give it in abundance. He begins to live a double life. It is quite natural he will be detested by his wife. A vicious cycle sets in.

A calm, quiet family sailing smoothly like a boat changes course with the entrance of a lady. It teeters, capsizes and disperses. If that be the case, the new entrant, logically, is not as wise as is expected to be. Sea voyage is always associated with unexpected turn of events: Wind may change direction. Storms and gales may torment. A wise and able captain can save and take the sailors ashore. Every household has problems. In favourable or unfavourable conditions, if you do not act accordingly, that shows your weakness. Resorting to escapism, sneaking out of house indicate weakness.

Everyone has their own weakness. But it varies from person to person. We can find out our weakness or understand it when others point it out to us. When pointed out, we must examine them dutifully without neglecting. If we feel and identify our weakness, it is probable that those may be transformed into strengths.

True strength does not lie in the physical power. Many physically challenged people have achieved greatness because of a strong mind. A weak mind may fail you no matter how strong and capable you are. The list of such physically challenged achievers are aplenty when we graze through the history of mankind.

Where there is a will, there is a way. What is envisioned internally, castle or hut, is completely dependent on the individual's mind power. The supreme force does not compel anybody on anything. Look back at the path traversed by achievers and successful women. You may get answers for many questions and solutions for numerous riddles. The Mind is the cause of favourable – unfavourable changes. Dear girl! In today's age, change is a necessity. Changes are neither fruitless nor are they achieved through instantaneous magic!

Arrogance changes strength into weakness; and weaknesses transform into strength when a positive change takes form internally.
Chapter 6

Your Aim

Every creation of nature has its own characteristic purpose in life. All these creations will be useful if their aims are fulfilled. Right from the universe's planetary motion to the microscopic object, each has its own purpose and use. But this purpose is not self-determined. Because they don't have the capacity to think. Toy makers and car makers predetermine the functions and uses of their creation. Likewise God decides the purpose and use of His creations. But these nuances are not perceptible to normal human beings.

The reason is best known to Him for a giraffe to have a long neck and the rabbit, a short one. The rabbit cannot enter into its hole with a long neck and neither can it swallow its food. A rose has not only beautiful petals and attractive fragrance but piercing thorns too. For the rose, they are not thorns but an ensemble of protecting agents.

God has a purpose behind the creation of everyone. However, one is not compelled to fulfil the purposes. By bestowing the sense of thought, He has handed over the power of decision making to each individual. Among all the creations, man stands apart. Considering his enormous ambitions and the deficiency in resources to achieve them, he has to plan appropriately.

Even though there are eight different directions, it is not possible to walk in all directions simultaneously. He has to choose a specific direction. Since he cannot gain the capacity to master all trades, he has to practice in some specific fields. He cannot be omnipresent and so has to choose a single location to stay on.

As these are real circumstances of a normal man, Dear gal! You need to decide your way forward in life. Can we live indecisively without any purpose or objective? We can. But for a famous and successful life, we need to have set goals. Each one should set one's goals, bearing in mind one's circumstances and the type of life one opted for. Others have no say. "Each bird needs its wings to fly" goes a Danish proverb. This is applicable to us also.

A life without an aim is like a ship without a compass. Since we have to perform endless tasks from dawn to dusk, a defined objective is the need of the hour. Aims and objectives vary in accordance with personal status, official status, occupation, age etc. Aims of a school-going child and that of its mother are not the same. This kind of segregation of goals is required across all age groups.

Rising in the east and setting in the west is the routine of the Sun. Blooming at the dusk and shedding light upon the earth is the normal course of the moon. But man's purposes and goals are not constant and periodic. They keep changing dynamically in accordance with his age and occupation. To excel in what one does, there should be a goal and passion associated with it.

In actual practice, objective formation is performed by one while the implementation is carried out by another. This state of affairs is in vogue not only across the whole country but in individual households as well. Children's aims are decided by parents; students' objectives are defined by outsiders. As a result of this, some are doomed.

In setting goals and implementing them, many rules and regulations are to be observed. The aim should be firm and clear. The path, the destination and the height of achievement must be fixed determinedly. The goal must be set with an unwavering mind and utmost clarity.

Goals must be achievable and realistic, so that at any time we can compute the progress and determine the extent of variation from it. "Art is long and life is short". Life expectancy is about 65 years. This is mere statistics. Not all are going to live this far, neither are all likely to perish before 65. Let us progress steadily towards the goal, conscious of time.

There have been children who have tried to imitate the fictional character 'Super Man' and fractured their bones. As adults we will not do this. However sometimes we do become stubborn children. 'By running behind the unattainable, we miss the possibility of gaining the obtainable'.

Once there lived a man who liquidated all his belongings into cash and went far off to purchase some farm land. Coming upon a lush green village, he enquired the people for a farmland for sale. The village had a custom of not selling land to outsiders. On his insistence, they agreed with a caveat to sell a land, the area he would cover by walk from morning to evening would be sold to him. He agreed. And came his D-day. He started running with greed so that he could purchase more land. But alas! By exhaustion he fainted and could not reach even the limit he set initially. "Grasp all, lose all". This is a fictional event but the moral is remarkable. We must set goals that are achievable within the effective time at our disposal.

Hey gal! Have you set your goals? Make sure it is attainable within the available time making full use of the talent and resources. Let there be no trace of greed. Be it building your dream home, pursuing your higher education or settling down peacefully with your family, analyze from all angles. Available time should be divided into small units and the different stages of goal be set against these units.

A woman willing to progress in life will be ever conscious of her goal. Goals may pertain to self-growth, family progress or social liberation. The set goal should be in sync with the type of life opted for. For example, a married woman's goal must be to uphold the glory of her maternal home and add to the reputation of her own family. Aim is associated with growth; Note the natural occurrences:

Legs leap forward,

Eyes see foreground,

Plants inch upwards,

Living things grow wider and longer.

There is no guarantee that the journey towards our goal may be smooth without interruptions, interventions, obstacles and unforeseen incidents. We must glide past the challenges with utmost enthusiasm. Lack of such a drive leaves many a woman in distress.

Those who have embraced the ascetic life too should necessarily have firm goals, lest peace in spiritual life may be futile. The religious robe is a cloak of purity on people performing heavenly duties. If we nurture social vices such as - conservative customs, caste prejudices, and religious animosities - by hiding behind this religious robe, then the purpose of selecting the ascetic life is lost. If one can live divorced from such evils then that signifies real renouncement.

In short-

Let woman's goal be superior,

Superior goals precedes environmental growth,

Growth begets social uplifting,

Healthy society is that we all can cherish and be proud of.

Chapter 7

Let a better share be yours

"It is wise to remain at home and follow the Ten Commandments rather than going on a Pilgrimage to Palestine where the Ten Commandments were declared". – Mark Twain. In this world, we enjoy more than one option in any field, because we are created with different whims and fancies. Hence, we are given the freedom to exercise our own option.

Three types of lives are available for us to opt. They are

  1. Family life,

  2. Ascetic life

  3. Secluded life.

Of these, we choose our own journey. What he selects becomes a better share for him. Any chosen life has good and bad aspects; sweet and bitter taste. But after opting for one, comparing with others and tending to slip off are not appreciable.

In exercising options, parents' ideas should be supportive and not compulsive. The practice in vogue once was to offer to God the first fruit of a tree. In similar consideration, many parents compel their first born to opt for the ascetic life. Without their willingness, they are compelled to embrace ascetic life even before they understand the essence of life. Since parents compel children to select a particular life, after opting for one, there arise a large number of contradictions or problems. This detestable state of affairs is being discussed with much fanfare in TV channels and newspapers.

In any kind of life that you select, you cannot stand alone. According to the life style, there will be good relations and sphere of influence in each option. Each one has its own limit. Within this limit should be the involvement, action, adjustment, appreciation, give and take etc. Once a path is chosen, there may arise instances where we falter in the actions, but never should we question the life we chose.

During childhood, we make use of what others give and what they select for us, but as we grow, we ourselves decide and select. In order to judge a frivolous matter or to buy an ordinary item, we strain ourselves too much. To be specific, for buying a saree and a matching blouse of our liking, we hang around numerous shops, asking the shop keepers to unload and unfold all the stacked sarees and examining them from all accessible directions. In life, selecting the best share and living in unison is not merely like selecting a saree. A woman should understand that any major event in life needs proper guidance and divine wisdom.

Parents! Groom children to be knowledgeable. Allow them to select their own path in life. When they come of age, they will possess the required awareness and readiness for any eventuality. In case of any misjudgment in their selection, accept that they are still novices. From their birth, if parents have continuously observed the children's acquaintances and habits, their quality would be known. There are parents who instead of properly preparing the daughter(s), pamper their child at her maternal home assuming she would anyway go through toil and moil at her husband's place. The phobia of some mothers over how the yet-to-come daughters-in-law would treat their sons, prompts them to pamper and bathe their sons in rose water. Are the wives going to daub their husbands with mud?

Parents' duty is to raise them in accordance with God's wish, help them grow and inculcate in them, social responsibility.

Some mothers rant, "My daughter doesn't know anything, doesn't know how to wash clothes, how to even buy vegetables." Hey! Mother! Think a while please. If your daughter doesn't know anything, don't marry her off. Those who don't know how to decide trivial things may not know how to take proper decisions in major events.

Once they exercise well-judged option, we should allow them to live their life. We may help them indirectly but should not interfere in their daily affairs. They should learn to live independently. Guinness record holders in sprinting too faltered when they just started walking as toddlers. Once they learn the trick, they can live a better life.

When we enter into a marriage engagement, it should not be instigated, compelled, recommended or threatened by others. Though we might have crossed a number of stages since the engagement, just before tying the nuptial knot around the bride's neck in front of the public, the bride and the groom have to once again assure the nuptial vow. After nodding one's head for all these pure religious requirements, during the marriage, we witness many a case who rush back to their maternal home within a few months, on flimsy grounds. When such estranged girls come home, their maternal home will not become a permanent asylum for them.

In the United States, statistics say that one in two marriages ends up in divorce. The plight of kids belonging to such broken families is unimaginable. However in countries like India, if the problems of the estranged women are not solved then and there, soon their life becomes a question mark because remarriage is not an easy feat.

Well established and acknowledged etiquettes should be followed in any life we choose. In every life, there is distress, happiness, misunderstanding, inactivity, etc. Life is like a clear glass, to be handled with care. Even a small speck is clearly visible.

In real life, one may not acquire an enviable job, get a good husband, and beget shrewd children. The husband may suspect you for anything or may change into a drunkard. You are endowed with the necessary refinement to change your husband with your love and affection, adjustment and moral behavior. We ladies are embedded with this great duty with fond hope.

I do not say that marital life is happier, ascetic life is painless and secluded life is care-free. Just like a coin has two sides, every lifestyle has its own positive and negative aspects. Apart from two sides, it has many angles also. There are a large number of onlookers and critics who look up close and from far off in various angles. In the dynamics of the Universe, this is not new.

Dear Girl! In your chosen life, undoubtedly there will be humps and lows. Just chat with couples who have celebrated their Silver Jubilee, you will understand. Probe the path traversed by Sanyasis who have lived past their Golden Jubilee, you can find solutions. Inspect the life of those lived alone, you will conclude that there is no dearth of an ensemble of distresses.

You must understand that it is not that easy to leave a mark in any type of life. Can you be an exemption to this acknowledged fact? You keep this alone in mind:

Stone that tolerates the Chisel becomes a beautiful sculpture.

Diamond that tolerates pressure gets much hardness

Iron that tolerates blows become sharper

Root that goes deep bears heavy load.

Dear Girl! Your duty is to select a better share in life despite hardships. Within the short span of one's life time it may be difficult to select a better share by one's own effort and experience. Religious books and teachings of the great souls may help as they are refined and fire-tested.

With the selection of a particular life, the purpose of your soul is not complete. Your present life is only a short stay in the soul's continuous journey. Let your life be fruitful wherever you stay. We do not bother to see the roots of the tree when we enjoy the beauty and taste of the fruit. Yet the roots are ever prepared to bear the load of the tree. A similar mindset is required of you.

The roots hiding under the soil, are very supportive to the tree not only when it bears fruits but till it wilts and dies. A lady in a family should be like this root. In the family tree, the absence of good fruits implies the obvious, that the lady is not a good root.

When a family's quality rises to the level of a temple, its good aspects referred to as "fruits" metaphorically are love, happiness, peace, patience, sympathy, hope, compassion, humility etc. Nobody will reject these fruits. These are not to be tasted only by a section of the people but by the people world over. These transcend boundaries set by caste, religion, language, country, culture, civilization, etc. These are to be tasted equally by experts, hoipolloi, weak and strong. If all families overflow with these fruits, will they together not form Heaven? Because:

Where Love sustains, fruits of virtue remain in heaps

Where Happiness permeates, multi-colour flowers blossom

Where Peace prevails, Skies too bow

Where Patience resides, there remain all treasures

Where Sympathy rules, there glows nuggets of affection

Where Kindness flows, such houses keep their doors ever open

Where there is Hope, even wilted petals congregate

Where Kindness effervesce, empty pitcher effuses juice

Where Humility sluices, all events will witness Him.

When a tree fails to yield fruits or when it gives reduced quantity, the farmer promptly places manure at its roots. Systematic watering and hoeing is needed rather than the lopping of the branches and dressing up the leaves that yield no result.

When the root system is not strong, the tree begins to totter. Though the root system remains ever hidden under the soil, its significance is very critical. If the root system is not strong, the tree cannot stand erect. Similarly, if a lady is not intellectually and morally strong, that house will not prosper.

The deeper the roots penetrate, the greater is their capacity to withstand the load. In China, there is a kind of bamboo called "Moso". Its seed is very small. If it is sown, it will take 5 years for the shoot to come out of the soil. During this period, the roots go deep and sideways into the soil. Once the first shoot comes out, it grows to a height of 90 feet within one and a half months, a strange phenomenon. When the seed is within the soil, it gains all the strength to hold the whole tree.

Our life will yield good fruits in conformity with how deep-rooted we are in good qualities and positive approaches. Just like the root system, our thoughts remain ever hidden. Good thoughts and good family go well together. A good tree cannot yield a malign fruit. A tree is qualified based on its fruits.

When we step into a house, we can accurately predict the lady's domestic administrative skill. If we examine the kitchen where she rules the roost and the bed room, we can understand all. Since the visitors' entry is limited to the portico and the hall, many modern day women 'window dress' these rooms to look neat and tidy. This is quite similar to arranging in style only the leaves of a barren tree.

Fruits – small or big, single or bunch, beautiful or less beautiful – all are useful. Do you need anything else, than others being benefited by you? It is the root's nature to fight till the end. Likewise a lady should fight for her home and the institution she belongs to and also fight to change misled individuals. Lady! Have you put forth 100% of your effort? The results may be contrary to your expectations. Don't be dejected. In the long run, your efforts will be fruitful.

Even if honour and glory do not flow in, if you can see that disgrace does not befall your family, your life will be fruitful. Haven't you heard of this statement? "If you are not happy, don't spread it out". Some people, though wealthy and powerful, lament over their grief always and spread it to others. We wonder how another group lives happily outwardly even while facing great loss and complicated problems. Their attitude towards the happiness in individual life determines their fruitful life.

A manual labourer engaged in digging a well was a firm believer of St. Antony. Every Sunday he used to hear the mass in St. Antony's church. One day, while climbing down the well, the rope that was supporting him broke and he fell into the well. Out of fear and faith, he cried out "St. Antony". Yet he was wounded, got admitted and returned home. One day he was narrating this incident to another person who was new to the place. "St. Antony forsook his staunch follower", said the new comer. "The rope was old and weak; it snapped; what can St. Antony do?" retorted the labourer. What a faith! The newcomer who taunted him stood awe-struck with his mouth agape. Even during mishaps, there are people who hold on to the good fruits that are hidden in them.

Man's life can be divided into 4 kinds:

  1. Leaf,

  2. Branch

  3. Trunk

  4. Root.

According to Poet Kannadasan. Those who live like leaves wilt and shrivel. Those living like branches will give out at least a few leaves. Trunk will give a few branches. But the roots form the base of everything. It is your choice to opt for the best of the four.

Some people complain about others and the society for their attitude, actions and inactions. Very often they complain about their husband's house, their relatives and the surroundings. They go on stacking faults. When all seems to go wrong around us, self-analysis is essential to understand if we are the cause. If things in all directions look red, then the inference is that you might be wearing a red glass on.

Are there not fruits in the house we live? Doesn't happiness surround us? Do those who speak with us leave with irritation and anger? Didn't we act as a good root to give good fruits? Examine and change. "If the root is strong, branches will also be strong"
Chapter 8

Do you listen to others?

"Everything has its own time; a time to speak, a time to remain silent". There is no point in talking when there is no one to listen. Others should listen when we speak and vice versa. These two are the bridges for any relationship and they form the base for any meaningful communication. When some talk, it looks amusing and strange. They talk as if they have all the time in the world. And neither do they allow others to talk. This leads to many problems. There are yardsticks to measure anything in this world; but no device to fix a time limit on how long one can talk. Even if you frame rules, hardly can you get any to abide by them.

An interesting story: Four friends lived in the 14th floor of a multistoried building. One day, the lift didn't function. They decided to climb up the stairs. To reduce the strain, they decided to converse with each other taking turns. The first guy talked till they reached the 4th floor. The fourth guy interrupted and was not allowed to talk. The second guy began and continued to talk till they reached the 9th floor. Now again the 4th friend was not allowed to speak, when interrupted. The 3rd friend started and continued till they reached their destination. The other three realized that the 4th guy was anticipating to put forth his point and asked him to open up then. "We forgot to take the house key from the car, I have been trying to tell it all the while", said the fourth guy.

If we choose to ignore when someone speaks, we end up in many messy situations. There is no dearth of such situations in families.

There was an aged man sitting alone in a marriage hall. He was looking around for somebody to talk to. When he saw his grandchildren playing and laughing, he beckoned to them to come near. They slipped away saying, "Go grandpa, you have no other work". He then tried with a grown-up relative. He too excused himself on the pretext of attending to an urgent work. This is the real state of affairs. Though the population is in billions, we don't get even a countable number ready to speak to or listen to elders.

Proclaiming that "Speech is my birthright", we cannot talk to ourselves without an audience. If we do that, we will be looked at in a different light. No matter how attractive your speech is, people are not patient enough to hear you if it exceeds twenty minutes. Without realizing this, some people go on talking on something others are not interested in. There was one such incident in which a speaker was giving a long monotonous lecture. People started dispersing. It didn't deter the man from continuing his rigmarole. Towards the end, there were only two souls. The speaker was happy that at least two people chose to listen to him. Little did he know that one was the organizer and the other was the one who let the public address system for rent.

An analysis concludes that, in general, we speak 90% of the time and hear only 10%. But listening to others requires skill. One great philosopher urges us to listen enthusiastically with our eyes too. By lending our ears, we help to reduce other's mental strain by half. There are some souls who yearn for someone to talk to. We assume many people to be very close to us. But how many of them would listen to us with care?

It is wise to hear what others have to say. Even in the event of not understanding what they talk about, the general consensus is that women have been designed to speak more and listen less. But a prudent woman would prefer to listen more. We should listen with our ears and hearts when others speak.

There are elders in many families with no one to look after them. And no one wishes to spend quality time and speak with them too. Dear Girl! Give more time to these aged people. It is their prayers that reach the creator the fastest. It is during their second childhood that the elders' prayers are more for their loved ones than for themselves. Hence, allot time for the elders in your family and in the neighborhood. No doubt you will be showered with blessings in abundance.

Once, I visited a woman relative of mine who was at a ripe old age of 95 years. Her eye-sight had faded but hearing was very sharp. She related to me the incidents that happened 80 years back, when she was a school girl. She transformed into the young child she once was when she began to speak about her old memoirs. When she recited those incidents with her toothless smile and intermittent claps, I could envision her not as a school girl but as a toddler. The time she spent praying for me was a lot more than I spent talking to her. That prayer was as unadulterated as that of a child.

In olden days, there was scarcity for food and people had to spend much time seeking food. Yet they could get enough time to remain well connected to their neighbors. Now there is no such food shortage and the population has sky-rocketed. But sadly, there are not enough people to listen to what others have to say. Those days, there were not much compound walls to isolate the houses. Now-a-days, even in the remote villages, houses are secured with walls. Opportunity to see and greet neighbors has been considerably reduced.

When we gain in one aspect, there should be a definite decrease in other aspects to retain the balance. But the list of lost fortunes is long and the loss can never be compensated.

A Cherubic child's prattle – No time to drench in,

The Neighbors' lovely greetings - No inclination to respond to,

Our Family's shower of affection - No love to immerse ourselves into,

And our Grandpa's shivery splutter? - No patience to try to decipher it.

Women never contribute to paucity of conversation. Time is a factor to reckon with. If we slash down the time we spend on TV and cellphone, we will have enough time to spend with the family and old people.

We are given two ears and only one mouth. This is to enable us to hear more. Reduce your speech and increase your listening skills; domestic problems will be halved; tranquility at home will be increased two-fold and the general happiness will increase three-fold.

First, let us open our ears to our family which forms the first layer of our sphere. When we ready ourselves to listen to the second layer consisting of peers from our workplace, the ears of the whole society, which forms the third layer, will willingly open up to listen to what we say. Our status in the society will be uplifted, where there will be many waiting to listen to us.

A wise woman is one who would tend to listen to what others have to say. And the home of such a woman will transform into a Holy place.
Chapter 9

Turnings are to be negotiated carefully

While travelling by bus, I like to occupy the seat immediately behind the driver's seat and enjoy the passing scenery outside. One such travel turned out to be a very calm, quiet and pleasant journey with no inconveniences. For a stretch on the road, no vehicles were plying towards our bus and no hindrance to our speed. I wished if roads were like this always, I too could drive a heavy vehicle. But all travels do not end in a few minutes. All places cannot have national highways. To travel without having to negotiate any turning and with no other vehicle on the road is only a wishful thinking.

While travelling along a rough road full of turnings, we can understand the drivers' dexterity, perseverance, knack, confidence, adjustment and the sense of security. These people need to be applauded for their undeterred concentration. Dear girl! All the turnings the drivers come across on roads may be found in your life also. You too should possess all the good qualities of a driver to evade difficulties. Most of the failures a woman faces in her life are due to her impatience and carelessness while deciding at the cross-roads in life.

Failures are not eternal. No living being can stay immobile, rooted to the same spot that it fell on. Failure precedes success. One who studies from failure is a real man. When one fell the 10th time, the earth told him encouragingly, "Weren't it you who bounced back from the previous 9 falls? Get up once again with confidence". Life is not possible without having to not negotiate turnings. There are some common challenges that every individual faces during their growing years. They are,

Learning to crawl and getting hurt during the infancy phase

Being led by others during the Toddler phase

Facing conflicts during the Adolescence phase

Not deciphering the new relationships formed but still going on in

the youthful phase

Being the unwanted soul during the Old age.

Not only this, there are twists and unexpected turns in every phase of life. Man can only reminisce the path he crossed, the distance he traversed, places he visited, the moments he stumbled upon, the turmoil he went through and should deem these as lessons in life.

Invariably, at all stages, there are good and bad elements. Yet good things happen. According to Thiruvalluvar, if there is a single good individual in the vicinity, because of him it will rain for all. Sparsely distributed are good people as Thirukkural says, righteous people as referred to in the Bible and dutiful heroes as said in the Bhagavat Gita. These people are the lubricants in the axis about which the earth spins. Why should we become rotten by persistently worrying over the world having gone putrid?

When we were children, we would have committed mistakes unknowingly. As youngsters we would have fumbled by the instigation of others. Because of the involvement of elders and the encouragement of parents, we might have risen gracefully from the fall. But we must remind ourselves that once we enter adulthood, we cannot expect others to always be there to lift us up or dust us from crown to rump.

We might have lived in an imaginary world during our school days. With only one wing, we might have borrowed the other from friends and might have flown around the world with them, reposing faith in friendship. But as the days go by, with the increasing burdens and duties towards life, work and family, many do not have the time for socializing and neither do they prefer it.

How many people have come and departed from this world! No one is immortal here. Some have left their everlasting foot print. The remnants they left are lessons to the new generations. Those who blend their own experiences with the lessons of the forefathers alone can negotiate these twists meticulously. Poet Kannadassan has beautifully portrayed the merit of experience in his inimitable style:

What is old age, I asked

Age and find, cried the lord

What succeeds death, I asked

Die and find, cried the lord

If experience should tell what life is

Why you meddle in middle, I asked

Lord glided down to me

And whispered, I am the Experience.

There are not any roads without any crossings or turnings. We can either go to the left or to the right in the cross roads. We can either turn east or west. No matter which direction we choose, there will be a path. There will be hoardings and boards to tell us the destination. But we are the decision makers in choosing the direction. No one can blindfold and forcibly lead us by hand. Sometimes the path may be rough or full of pits. It might even shrink into a one-lane path. Just because the path is rough and not beautiful, we don't travel in unwanted directions. If our goals and targets are set, we will surge forward, irrespective of the hurdles we come across, without much anxiety, fear, incompetency, anger or irritation. We will have an inner drive to turn carefully.

While travelling to new places and in turnings, even seasoned drivers get guidance from other drivers and from people familiar with the place. They continue the journey along the path. In the journey of life also, the path of youngsters is made easy by old moral stories, holy books, biographies and historical facts.

Nature also teaches us simple lessons. Birds and animals are the living examples that God has given us. We need not think 'Heck! Should I learn from these mean lives?' Learning from them is better than falling down and hitting hard. Besides, these mean lives never boast to anyone that they have taught us some of the life's best lessons. They are such modest and magnanimous beings.

We must not expect the turn of events in life to be always to our liking. Some turnings lead us to dead ends. Hence, the journey stops abruptly which may end with problems and result in failure. In situations like this we should display intense awareness, steadiness, forethought and patience. People accustomed to listening to speeches and songs on the good old tape recorders may know that very often it gets stuck. We show enormous patience to make it work as before. When we find that it works the way it did earlier we are satisfied. When we show such an amount of patience to fix a tape recorder, should we not exhibit a little more patience, calmness and care to unravel the messy entanglements in life?

When physically challenged people, by birth or by accident, are able to achieve and present themselves as achievers, how much more should the perfectly normal ones be able to achieve? Hellen Keller faced a number of twists and turns in her life. Her life journey continued with the eyes, ears and mouth having gone inactive. She transformed the lessons learnt during these challenges to achieve great heights and be known to the world. To what extent, can be gauged from her prayer:

"Oh God! It is mainly because I am differently abled. I could find You, me and my complete talent. For that I am very grateful to you." She extends her heartfelt thanks to Him.

The path we have travelled and the distance we crossed in life may be beneficial to someone, somewhere somehow. We are also bound to say our thanks!

When you start saying thanks, you will end up with more things to say "Thank You" for.

Chapter 10

Tracks do have Ups and Downs

"Go carefully. Can't you watch your steps?" There is a vast difference between the two. Not only in the intonation of the statements, but also in the underlying meaning. The former is a sign of forewarning, whereas the latter displays a tone of irritation.

Ups and downs occur not only on paths and roads but in man's life journey also. In our minds as well. They are created by our own wish and sometimes, by the others around us.

When we climb uphill, caution is essential. In order to scale the peak, effort is needed. To be steady on the apex, we should be alert. This is quite similar to standing on the apex of an equilateral triangle. Any instant can bring upon our downfall.

If one slips into a pit, hardly can he come out of it without external help. To catch wild elephants, the usual practice is to dig pitfalls to trap them. However mighty and strong the elephants might be and however majestically they parade on the plains, they cannot come out of the pit without external help.

Children are taught about the humps and lows of life. Many, who were submissive during childhood, become indifferent when they hit adolescence. They are the ones who ignore others and very often fall into pits in life. Though they seem matured and capable, they are able to neither succeed nor overcome ordinary hurdles in life.

All roads do not stretch straight and every path has its puddles. Normally when people see bumps, either they sidestep or leap over them. Those who are not alert and alive to the occasion, stagger and fall over bumps. It is only to these people others ask, 'Can't you watch your steps?'

Similar to a win or defeat in any competition, there are ups and downs in our path. It is easy to climb if the slope is less steep. If the pit is shallow, people may stagger but collect themselves easily. Steep slopes and deep ditches entail humongous effort to surmount. The concerned people cannot forget their tiresome experience of trekking uphill with goose-pimples all over their bodies.

The ups and downs on the path are visible to the human eye, if they fall within the field of view. But the hurdles and downfalls in human life are invisible. Hence, listening and learning from the experiences of those who have stumbled and risen up will save us from taunts and lectures upon our downfall. Composure, patience, alertness, persistence, trust and awareness can be seen in abundance in those who have learnt lessons from other people's mistakes. It will be exhibited in every task they perform. With regard to this kind of people

Obstacles stand afar

Failures get defeated

Conflicts leap away

Pits get levelled

Slopes become ladders

Ladders become steps

Steps become pathways

Pathways become passable.

An old man was preparing himself to scale a mountain at night with a small lamp in hand. Perplexed by this bold venture, his grandson asked, "How can you trek through this thick forest depending solely on this simple lamp?"

"For some distance this lamp will emanate light and I will traverse that distance. While I travel, the lamp give out light to cover some more distance there by I will be able to cover the entire distance", said the old man. His grandson could not but appreciate his grandpa's knowledge and experience.

You might have seen or heard of people scaling mountain peaks. Only those people who have confidence, strong morale, perseverance, conviction and have gathered experience of the predecessors, have reached summits. You might have come across people falling into ditches. Only those who observed utmost caution would have come out without scratches. Unlike joggers who jog merrily on the road conversing with others, those who climb up mountains and down valleys should be tough and cautious.

A wise woman will pay heed to the words of wisdom from the elders, especially when the elders speak of their experiences during dire times. While we walk blind-folded and ignore the caution of others, we may end up banging on the obstacle in the way. A wise woman will not proceed to the point of bumping into the obstacle.

The lessons of the experienced must be a ladder to novices striving to progress. It is a fact that fire scorches. Should we necessarily get branded by it to understand the truth of its nature?

Hoardings bearing the sign 'Stop, Watch, Proceed', though intended for drivers and pedestrians in the road should be followed in the path of life also.

You might have heard this statement very often: 'Let not our bitter experience in life befall even our worst enemies'. Let our experiences be fruitful lessons for others to follow.

People with clear mind traverse a path correctly. Because of them, no difficulty arises for others. Even if hurdles pop up enroute, they transform them into stepping stones and would not sit depressed or withdrawn. Those with ambiguity in thought end up confusing themselves and those around them.

It is because of the confused, drunk, angry and careless drivers that accidents and disasters occur. Due to the presence of such individuals in society, unsolvable stalemates originate.

Towards the earth, raindrops fall straight but divert and bend in the direction of the wind. It is Utopian to think life will be smooth without bumps and dents. Those who watch ups and downs will be ever cautious.

The highs and lows of life are intertwined with each other

The voice and tone pacify the other

The future and the past succeed each other

  * Lao Tzu, Chinese Philosopher

Chapter 11

Perseverance pays off

"Ensure tenacity in your words" sang poet Bharathi. Gandhi lived a life true to the dictum "Perseverance in pursuing goals". Mother Theresa lived a life with the proud ideal "Persistence in deeds". The basis of the strength of determination of these great souls is that their thoughts were positive and noble. That is why their speech, words and activities exuded strength.

Every one wishes to lead a life with firmness to ones' beliefs. Before we purchase a new item, we want to ensure its durability. We ascertain its longevity and ask for the guarantee card as a safety measure. When we build a home, we don't envision it as a short term venture. We want it to be sturdy, since it is a life-time achievement for many.

It is expected that you act with the same devotion and firmness for others as you would for yourself. It is not only because what we do will not miss the eyes of the Lord above but also because they will boomerang back to us as the time passes. We can show many examples for this concept. We can also see in many people their action turning back to them.

An honest worker was working for many years under a building contractor. He was not given the due salary hike. One day, he conveyed to the contractor his decision to leave him for good. The contractor requested him to construct one last house, to which the worker agreed without much enthusiasm. Perfunctorily, he did the work in a hurry without blending ingredients in proper proportion. When he was about to hand over the key to the contractor, the contractor in turn gave it to him and said, "I asked you to build this last house as a token of my appreciation for all your hard work and dedication you have shown over the past years we have worked together. You have never asked me for a hike even once but have worked honestly. This is my gift to you for your years of hard work". He was disappointed with the turn of events of his own making. "Had I known this I would have constructed well", he lamented.

Firmness should remain not only in our speech and activities, but also in the aims we set. Some of us accept defeat and give up on our goals in the midst of a minor roadblock or problem. Firmness in aim should be as strong as shown by Columbus. Mainly because of his utmost perseverance, he could discover a new continent. When the food they carried depleted, at a stage they had just enough food for their return trip home. The stock was enough for 20 people for 24 days. He took a wise decision. "If I reduce my food for 24 days, can we not travel one more day and discover? Let us proceed one more day and discover", said Columbus. It is that one day extension of travel that resulted in the discovery of America.

If you are sure of your aim and your actions are strong enough, then success is yours. For the strong willed, obstacles will become either bridges or stepping stones.

Firmness is required not only in aim and the related works but also in the life you opted for. The grass will always seem greener on the other side. Thorns and stones will not be visible if looked from afar. Only by removing the stones and uprooting the thorns will the path become smooth. If stones are removed, ups and downs will be made even. Thorns should be uprooted without getting our hands pricked. On the contrary, in your life do not think that things will be fine if you change your life partner.

Selection of life partner is not as easy as choosing things like a job or a house. Park, beach, cinema hall are not the places for the best selection. While choosing the right partner we must be wise enough to decipher God's plan. Once entered into an agreement, it becomes irrevocable. If decided otherwise, it will gradually affect not only ourselves but all other dependents and associates also.

A recent telecast in one of the television channels: An 18-year old boy complained that he abhorred his mother absolutely and didn't want her to live with him. The reason seemed to be very strong and acceptable. After his father's demise, his mother was habitually changing her male companions every two months. Whenever she changed her partner, she changed her son's initials too in the school records. Fellow students taunted him asking, "Are all the alphabets your initials?"

"I felt like committing suicide. I ran away from our village. Why did she beget me? She could have killed me when I was born. Are there not mothers who raise their children by doing household chores and other menial work?" the boy put forth a volley of questions. Every question was a whiplash, a scream of anguish of a wounded tiger. This is not an incident in a foreign country. It happened in Tamil Nadu, India. She remained speechless, bowing her head in shame. We wonder how many such incidents are in the dark. A wise lady is one who stands tall on the grounds of morality. Dear Girl! Hang on to the moral ground steadfastly. Mistakes committed do not remain concealed for long. When favourable conditions emerge, they will definitely unfold.

Wetness inside Earth

Dawn behind Dark

Success behind Trial

Victory behind Discipline

Happiness behind Perseverance \- remain hidden.

Hey Lady!

Be determined in the goals you set

Be determined in the path you choose

Be determined in the life you envisage

Be determined in the norms of life.

Sway and bend to the strong wind and the fierce storm but do not succumb. Though you have the necessary capacity and resisting power, you may become brittle because of arrogance and pretension. You might have heard of the proverb "Too much of humility is pride". You cannot avoid strong winds, storms, tornadoes etc. – real in nature; metaphorical in life. An astute girl will sway and bend only to the extent of safeguarding her.

The prudent girl knows that the storm does not continue to hit day and night, neither do hurricanes torment us on a daily basis. She believes that God will give her enough strength to safeguard herself. Dear Girl! If your thoughts and actions remain positive, any awkward situation will change for the good and challenges of any kind will fade away. And the creators of the problems may change because of you. That may be deemed an award from God!

Chapter 12

No Problem is Mammoth

There is no one in this world hassle-free without any problems. But each believes that his issues are more cumbersome than anyone else's. "Had this haunted somebody else he would not have escaped it" - verbiage of some who project it as an achievement. All wish to not have problems. But what happens in life is not always what we wish for.

Problems are galore in everybody's life. The way we approach the problems makes us different. Problems can be approached in two ways:

  1. To get associated with problems.

  2. To get disassociated from it and try.

Practically, no two people will have the same perspective of any event. Those who associate with it feel that they alone have problems. They think of it all the time.

Those who know how to disassociate have a broad mind to acknowledge that others – neighbors and co-workers – also have some problem or other.

A man wanted to escape the ceaselessly tormenting problems and approached a wise man for counselling. The wise man gave him a pebble and asked him to look at it keeping at close proximity to the eyes. "I am able to see the stone alone" said troubled one. Again the wise man asked him to look at it holding it slightly away. He declared the stone looked smaller and other things around also looked clearer. "Up close, any problem will look monstrous. And the major issue is that you look at all your problems close by", said the wise man.

Dear girl, problems and distresses are common for all. Don't conclude they are for women alone. As they come, try to watch them from a distance with a well – balanced mind.

A lady in tears pleaded to Lord Buddha to revive her only son who was dead. Buddha agreed with a condition. She should bring a small measure of rice from a house which had not witnessed death so far. She promised to do so and went from house to house in vain and got her feet bruised. Buddha expressed his inability to revive the dead man and that was when the lady understood the reality.

It is said that the severity of fever and head ache can be felt only when experienced personally. One of my female relatives left her husband and came to live with her mother, citing some reason. People faulted her for the separation. Her sister-in-law admonished her, "Whatever be the reason, you should not have left your husband. You should have embraced death too if warranted". The lady retorted, "Those who did not live my life even a single day are not competent to comment". No dearth of similar problems these days. Parents fiddle their fingers, unable to do anything.

When one confronts similar problems, one should take enough time to completely analyze and understand the severity of the problem. Trying to escape from the spot, or continuing to shed tears is not going to help in any way. Our self-knowledge may not be enough to help us slip out without much harm. There is no harm in listening to the advices of well-wishers and experienced elders. It may open up a smooth way out. Very often wisdom pays.

Those who have ears shall hear

Those who have eyes shall see

Those who have mind shall understand

Those who have will shall accept.

By touching the wall in front of you without looking sideways, don't conclude that there is only one wall. If we look around and beyond our field of view, we can see the walls of adjacent buildings. A few steps backwards, we can understand that there are no buildings without walls.

If you select any life – married or ascetic – problems always exist. After starting a way of life, don't look at the other. Don't you know "blue are the hills that are far away" The grass is always greener on the other side. Up close there too you can find weeds, pebbles, thorns and other chunks. Don't look at the other life and get tempted to compare. Look forward and move on so that even if you trip, you may fall face down. I remind you of Jesus' advice "after putting your hand on plough, don't look back".

"Investing your profit is not a big deal. This can be done by a less intelligent guy. Intelligence lies in converting loss into profit", says William Bolitho. How to convert loss into profit? Read on: A rich man's ship got into the eye of a storm and wrecked. Because of labour unrest, his factory was also closed. He lost everything and became a failed man. Yet he worked diligently for five years, became rich again, and built a factory bigger than the one he lost. "What is the secret of your success?" people asked. An unexpected and unconventional answer came from him: "I didn't reveal to my mind the secret that I failed in my business."

If you have confidence in you and work steadily, even loss will be transformed into gain. Many corporate honchos will vouch for it.

Entrepreneur who incurred no loss,

Sculpture that bore no burnt of chisel,

Gold that felt no harshness of fire,

Diamond that immersed in no mud..... Doesn't exist.

Behind any precious thing there will definitely be a distress tale. We must accept this. There is no such soul in this world who has constantly faced only grief.

Full moon follows new moon.

Day follows Night.

This nature's rule infuses frustrated minds with hope. Dear girl! You are not the only one afflicted with head ache. All the heads we see today might have experienced it one day or the other. Occurrence might not be simultaneous. Learn to look at the problems soberly and objectively for more efficient results.

When problems come in multitudes, when stalemates shatter us, when distress continues to chase, when miseries jointly visit and pet souls spew venom, let us learn to remain composed. Because, nothing is stable. All are just passing clouds. Enjoy the ride.
Chapter 13

Why do we have hurdles and fences?

Children do not know how to differentiate between good and evil. Hence we enforce some rules and regulations to ensure their safety during childhood. As they grow, majority of the children understand life and step in the right path. Rules and regulations are for those who are not able to control themselves. These rules are created for our safety and are not meant to be broken. Deeper analysis will reveal that our growth is dependent on these. Rules and regulations are all universal. We have a set of guidelines at home, schools, corporates, society, and the whole country with minor differences in accordance with cultural orientations.

These rules are created with the noble intention of protecting the weak, saving the vulnerable and averting any injustice. Breaking the rules invites punishment and the severity of the misdeed is the deciding factor for the punishment meted out. Pronouncement of judgement will be within the scope of the law. The degree of penalty varies across each house, corporation, area and county. When a law is enforced, we are bound to abide by it.

As women, we are bound by the regulations set at home to not step out at odd hours. That Indian society which Mahatma Gandhi envisioned has not materialized yet, India has observed with gaiety her 68th Independence Day, but his wish that a lady should be able to walk alone safely along the streets at midnight still remains unfulfilled. Can you walk alone along the streets in broad daylight, leave alone midnight, with your only ceremonial nuptial chain on? A girl should not ask why she can't roam around and return home at odd hours while men are at liberty to do the same at any time. This is not a denial of liberty but a wistful consideration that a girl should not get entangled in social shame. These rules might have been framed after witnessing the weakness and misbehavior of women of past generations.

Taking home work place materials like stationery etc., when there are well laid out rules against it, is a crime in itself. Yet, some do it sneakily. Though these are of trivial dimension in comparison with other large scale corruptions of magnitude as large as numerous millions, these are also crimes. In some offices, cups provided to drink water are chained to the container to ensure it is not stolen. A shame to all customers. Cups used to quench our thirst is in chains. Similar cases are aplenty.

In parks and gardens that are well maintained by spending huge sum of money, you can see placards requesting people to not pluck flowers. There again rules are broken.

Aware of the impeding danger to our nation due to plastic, the government has undertaken a campaign "Reduce the use of plastic, do not litter everywhere". Recently The Catholic Church has declared excess of plastic use as a mortal sin. Is there anyone to pay heed to this?

There are dire consequences and punishments when the rules are broken. These punishments should not be taken lightly. They are of two types – direct and indirect. The indirect ones can take different forms and haunt us which we may not be able to recognize.

There are hurdles in our path which impede our progress. We must overcome them. While trying, we must see that we are not affected. Neither should it affect others' progress and fame. Some perceive the hurdles on their paths as barriers for their growth while for some others the same may be stepping stones. For pessimists and lazy lots, certain environments may seem to be a hurdle, while the same may look as an opportune condition for optimists and workaholics.

Once in a TV program, an academic was giving instructions to I.A.S aspirants on material collection and preparation for the primary and main examinations. Towards the end of the program two lads from the same family had two different reactions. One was appalled by the enormousness of the work involved and complained, "Oh my God, there is so much to learn!" Thus he confessed his inability.

The other one exclaimed that it seemed a lot easier than he had imagined by saying, "Wow, Is it really this simple? Let me appear for this examination". Same matter evoked diametrically opposite reactions; one found it to be an obstacle, while the other, as a flight of stairs.

A germinating seed makes use of any meagre chance to shatter obstacles or detour hard rocks and projects itself out of the soil. In some societies, girls are not allowed to pursue higher studies. They are married off even when they are children. There are many women achievers like the germinating seeds who, driven by their hunger to study and achieve, have excelled in their fields because of hard work. One among such achievers in TV quiz program in recent times is Taslima. Similar successful women may be found in every village and town across the globe.

There is difference between hurdles and boundaries. Boundaries are intended to protect, safeguard one's own border and restrict trespassers. They are not to be crossed. We don't have rights to misuse other's rights and blessings. This is established by law and convention.

The sacred nuptial chain worn by a woman is like a fence for her. That very often reminds her and others that she belongs to somebody else. Modern women argue why men don't wear a similar shield. Don't they need any kind of boundary? In any society, for the same mistake committed by both male and female, women bear the brunt of punishment. This is the way women have been created. Can we fight with God on this bias? If we stand stanchly on our principle without committing any mistake why do we worry? If your wallet is heavy you should be afraid.

External obstacles do not impact women much. Society has not degraded to that extent yet. Ladies who undertake night duty, woman police or doctor are not suspected. On the other hand, other working ladies or house wives moving out late at night are frowned upon though not questioned directly, as courtesy warrants caution.

Rules put forth by the society are in a way, boundaries. Instead of considering them as obstacles, let us take them as protective shields. Armours are essential for the weak. Can you find a rose without thorns? Some get irritated with prickly thorns when they pluck roses. Thorn for roses, quills on porcupines and horns for cattle are protective implements.

The life span of butterflies is very short. If their wing is pierced, they cannot fly. But their innate shield saves them from other birds. Butterfly has in its body a chemical that is allergic to many birds. A study concludes that this chemical is being accumulated from cactus by caterpillar when it is in the cocoon itself. This becomes a shield when the fully-grown butterfly emerges out.

Not only the weak but anything that is beautiful needs protection. When the safety net is not available naturally they are made artificially. There will definitely be guidelines, restrictions and laws in the country, in society and at home. Instead of branding them as restrictive agents, let us cherish them as protective shields. Hey gal! Then you will realize that the rules and boundaries are indeed boons for our welfare!

Chapter 14

Be magnanimous to accept mistakes

Very often errors creep in our deeds and we are led to commit mistakes knowingly sometimes. You might have seen children stack a pack of cards at a particular angle, jerk the last one stacked and the cards fall one over the other in succession just like the domino effect. Seeing this, the child jumps around in high glee. In such harmless games, there are no mistakes anywhere. In a plantain groove, if one tree is uprooted by a strong wind, by its weight many others fall in succession. This is not the fault of either the wind or the farmer. Though the farmer incurs loss, one cannot find fault with the wind. Neither can the wind make amends for it.

Once while travelling in an excessively crowded bus, I saw some women clinging to the footboard (most of the buses in our region do not have doors to close). They were not teens but mature ladies stepping towards old age. There was no place to squeeze in. While I was praying for the safety of those ladies, a lady approximately 50 years of age laughingly commented "I am quite comfortable, I may not fall; provided those inside do not push me out". She is right. Such incidents do happen unknowingly or accidentally.

A flashback to my working days. Girl students of the school that I worked in, used to jostle with others to catch a seat in the bus, carrying piggy back, a heavy load of books. One day a girl's bag unknowingly knocked down another girl moving in tandem. Run over by the back wheel of the bus, the girl was bedridden for a year. She lost one year of schooling. Though we know how this grave accident happened, none can be blamed. Many would have come across similar incidents.

Analysts say that the death rate is higher during floods, stampede, fire accidents and other natural calamities predominantly due to people struggling to save themselves. During crises, our paralyzed minds cannot differentiate between right and wrong. In the corporate world, there are both individualistic work and team work with a team leader to monitor the work progress. If mistakes happen anywhere due to which dangerous consequences befall others, those who are responsible for the mistake must own responsibility. It is a humane attitude. But in practice, scarcely can we see people owning up to it. If a work is completed successfully, these are the people who own up to success but there are not many who own up to failures. Though the wrong doer is around, the fault is always an orphan.

Denial to having committed a mistake is not a new found order. This continues for eon together right from the Adam and Eve era. When the Lord asked Adam "did you eat the forbidden fruit?", Adam pointed to Eve who in turn pointed at the serpent (Satan). Most of the unresolved problems in families in recent times are due to the refusal to accept mistakes committed. If our children do not study well, we blame the teachers. For certain problems, we blame the society and for problems of larger dimension the government is blamed. We don't leave even inanimate objects. We complain that the thorn pricked and a stone caused us to tumble.

It is the one who claims responsibility for his own actions, follows the sane and serene path in life.

One day in school, during the morning assembly, when absolute silence must be maintained, there emanated some commotion from among the eleventh grade students: "Who is making this noise" asked the physical trainer. It evoked no response. As a punishment all the 400 students were made to sit silently on the ground the whole day. After decades the scenario is still ever green in my memory. 'Students are students; they will show maturity of mind as they grow' might be a self-gratifying argument. Let us not forget that years down the line they are the ones who are to run families, corporate and government departments. Because of the refusal to accept the mistakes of inept higher officials and leaders of the country we can see conditions going topsy-turvy right in front of our eyes.

Some exceptional souls are mentioned in history. Their noble deeds have left indelible marks. Years back there was a train mishap in Ariyalur, Tamil Nadu, India. Lal Bahadur Sastri was the railway minister then. He took the responsibility for it citing that it was his department's inefficiency and resigned his post. It was not a ploy to derive political mileage but a reflection of his conscience. Won't every home and family be a holy place if we have similar souls?

"When our goal in work is to surpass ourselves every time, the chances of errors is nil", goes a verbiage. If we do flawless works it remains forever etched in our mind.

Pilot John Plumb made 75 successful air raids during the Vietnam War. When his plane came under enemy line he jumped to safety on a parachute, got imprisoned and was released 6 years later.

One day, when he was dining at a hotel with his wife, a man approached him and asked "Aren't you Mr. John Plumb? Aren't you the one who made a large number of attacks and got yourself bombed finally?" Startled Mr. Plumb replied "Yes. I Am. How do you know me?" to which the man answered "I am the one who checked and prepared the parachute for you daily." Mr. Plumb was overwhelmed on hearing this , shook his hands and thanked him profusely for doing his job perfectly thus saving his life.

This historical event is an apt example of the importance being attached to the responsibility and dedication to duty. At home if people work with such dedication do we need a separate place to worship?

Once a king wished to celebrate his birthday with his subjects. The Elders wanted each subject to pour one cup of milk in a cauldron that was kept at the center of the village to prepare pudding with that milk. After the fixed time, when they opened the cauldron where all had poured milk to make the porridge, there was only water in it. The conversion of milk into water is no miracle, magic or mystery. On the contrary, each individual contributed only water thinking "What is the harm if I alone pour water instead". A person who wishes for goodness in his life will not think "Would anyone even realize if I make this mistake?"

We can classify people into seven categories based on the level of ownership they claim to the mistakes committed.

  1. Those who remain stubborn that they are right even after committing mistake

  2. Those who embed their mistakes on others.

  3. Those who do not accept their mistakes even when their conscience pricks them

  4. Those who accept their mistakes

  5. Those who accept their mistakes and their punishments

  6. Those who accept the mistake of their team on moral grounds.

  7. Those who assume responsibility for a mistake that they never committed.

Of these, which class do we belong to? It is gratifying to note that there are people who own up to others mistakes in the midst of many who hide their mistakes and embed their mistakes on others.

An interesting incident: A family head was writing something seriously when his daughter brought a cup of coffee and placed it near him. In his deep involvement in work he forgot about the coffee and tipped it. "Oh it is my mistake", told the man feeling very bad about it. "It is not your mistake, I kept it at the wrong place", told the daughter in a repenting tone. "I should not have sent the coffee when you were writing", said his wife owning responsibility for the incident. Again all the three volunteered to own responsibility. Is there any chance for altercation in such a family?

This may seem a frivolous incident but hidden in this are very strong philosophies of life. Today in every household, there erupt continuous arguments between the husband and the wife, verbal duel between the parents and the children to the extent that neighbours scowl at them. Why not change our mindset a bit? When there are some people who willingly accept faults that they didn't commit, for the sake of peace and harmony to prevail, would the family not be a sanctuary if each stand up and accept their own misdeeds at least?

Chapter 15

Lend an ear to advice

Going to bed and waking up the next morning is our daily routine. After a single night's sleep, we meet the known people in a new perspective each day. In an ever changing world, life gets entangled, like matted hair, with problems and stalemates. There is no scope for anybody to pretend to be the maestros and achievers in all trades. Like how even the mightiest stumble upon a rock, the most learned too might not be able to provide solutions for a very simple dilemma. In situations like these, words of well experienced people may come as ideas to solve new problems that catch us unaware. A word of caution though, we should not follow these opinions blindly but analyze the credibility and relevance to our situation and utilize accordingly.

A young man new to a place asked an old man how long it would take to reach his destination. The old man said "It will take some time". After some time, the young man put forth the same question to another man. "It will take one hour" replied the man. This riled the young man who approached the old man and accused him of not guiding him properly. "Wait a bit, young man; without accessing the pace in which you walk, how can I calculate the time?" asked the old man. The young lad realized that such level of precision is required even in small incidents like these and left a wiser man.

The true art of living lies in the perfect blend of the lessons learnt from the experiences we have and our own intellect. Let us not hesitate to accept good ideas irrespective of the source. Don't discard even if they come from our subordinates.

An interesting anecdote from a leading soap manufacturing company. A general complaint doing the rounds was that many of the soap packs were empty without the cake of soap packed inside. The company accepted the mistake. The higher ups met and discussed ways and means to stop recurrence, but to no avail. The tea boy came there then and asked whether he could give an idea. Hesitantly they allowed him to talk. "Place all the pieces below a high speed fan; vacant boxes will fly off" said the boy. A fine simple idea that was accepted by the company. Since they were obsessed with the idea of inventing a new machine, this simple idea didn't strike their mind. A Cost-free idea provided the solution to the issue and that too came from the least expected source than from the so-called brains of the company.

Listen to advices, even unsolicited, wherever they may come from. With vain verbose don't discard any as blasé just because you may have heard it for years together. Show no arrogance to reject them as useless and inconsequential. We must use the right advices at the right time – provided they can be accepted by our conscience!

Pattinathar was a very rich man. Renouncing all his wealth, he embraced ascetic life. One day while walking, he felt tired and lay down to sleep, keeping his head on a ridge. Two lady passersby looked at him and one told the other "Look! An ascetic who renounced all worldly pleasure seeks a head rest". As he heard the comment, he removed his head from the ridge and laid down on plain ground. When the two ladies returned they saw the new position of the sannyasin. The second lady told the first one "Your comment must have offended him; he has removed his head from the elevated place." Pat came yet another sarcasm from the first lady "An ascetic should not have this much pride".

Pattinathar took to heart the essence of the rebuke that came from an ordinary lady. Ideas may come in any form – verbal, written, visual etc. If found useful, adopt. No matter how much air surrounds us, we breathe only what is naturally possible for us. Similarly, we must judiciously use the advices that are worthwhile from among the flood of advices from hordes of well-wishers.

Sometimes, bland advices may be projected as ideas. They may emerge as the essence of somebody's experience. Or they may be lessons taught by failures. Don't discard the uneducated as insignificant. Even a tiny splinter may be useful as dental floss.

In a highly educated family, a six month old baby was intensely crying non-stop for some unknown reason. They were not able to pacify the child even after giving the medicines they had. Then it was decided to take the child to the best child specialist in the town. When the preparations were on, a toothless old lady, a few blocks away, came there held the child aloft, rotated, twirled, massaged and fondled for a minute or two. The child began to smile and along with it, the whole crowd. The experienced illiterate won the educated novices there. Lessons through experience are more powerful than the ones available in any manuals or books.

Even the little ones at home may be able to teach lessons to the elders. Let us not have such arrogance as to think "Should I learn from you?" Ego is not necessary in knowing unknown matters. Children are teaching adults how to use a cell phone. Do we refuse to learn then? We see how skillfully parents hold and talk with a cell phone. "Wisdom unfolds even from children", says the Bible.

Only those who listened patiently could become good counsellors. Kopmeyer started his career with a meagre salary of 45 Dollars. When he worked, he studied all the tricks and nuances of the trade. He received necessary counselling from others. He gained administrative capacity. Result? He became the Head of eight educational institutions and the professional advisor for 102 companies.

There has never been a case in history where following the advice of good people has led to anybody's downfall. Opinions and advices are needed at every point of time in life. In life, the lessons and advices learnt from others will guide us to progress forward in the face of every new situation or event, to help identify our true friends and relatives and to behave justly to the people we cross paths with.

Recently during a visit to a marriage in a village, an old film song which had transcended generations was played signalling the departure of the bride to the groom's house. A lady who was dining next to me said, "When I hear this song I feel like crying. Before marriage when elders used to advise me I invariably teased them. Now, when unexpected problems choke up my throat, I reminisce this song". Since she felt that shedding tears in a marriage hall is outdated, she controlled herself. But I could see that her eyes welled up with unshed tears. Those who are in similar situations may be tempted to cry. Why cry? Because of the negligence to heed to the advices when they were given.

Advices can be aplenty

Advices can come from anyone

Advices can be of any form

Advisors can be of any age.

Please keep your ears sharp and listen to the advices while venturing into the unknown territory. No harm in listening to advices of any sort that come our way. But the decisions you take should be guided by your conscience. If so, Dear Girl! Your residence will transform into a temple.

Chapter 16

No Disgrace in Compromising

In a forest, two deer – one male and one female – were wandering for water. At last, they saw in a pit some water which was not enough for the two. They began to drink but the water level did not recede. Both pretended to be drinking so that the other could quench its thirst completely. This is a coined story to demonstrate true love. It is love that makes the world go round. Imagine the bliss if such an attitude prevails among married couples in families.

Never has a woman been ruined when she has compromised

Never has she succeeded when she has failed to adjust.

Those who do not know how to compromise do not bother even if his family's reputation is at stake. Little can be done when dense ego fills the mind. When the head is weighing down with arrogance, the eyes will be blind to the outside world signalling the beginning of one's downfall.

In order to live with mutual adjustment, understanding between parties is very essential. There are no souls in the world who are completely flawless or use their brain to its full capacity, to be adjudged geniuses. If we interview some of the separated couples, we will be left shocked. For baseless reasons, they criticize each other, hold on to their incorrect notions and spend many years with vengeance in their hearts leading to chronic diseases. However, when wisdom dawns it will be too late for recovery.

As per ladies perspective, the very same man who looked intelligent and capable before marriage looks dull-headed within days of marriage. These self-proclaimed wise ladies who come to a wrong conclusion about their husbands, must reflect on the bitter fact that what they have studied in life is not even a handful but more miniscule than a mustard. With pre-occupied misleading ideas, many women have discarded the sacred marital vows taken in a holy place in the midst of many.

We must learn the art of compromise from Nature. The seed that adjusts itself with the hard soil grows tall gradually into a magnificent tree. Nature teaches us that adjustment alone can ensure improvement in life.

The bamboo that allows itself to be drilled becomes the flute whose grandeur is unique and position, enviable. What is true for the seed and the bamboo is true for human beings also.

Hey gal! You must know how, what and why to adjust? Leave the degrading chunks and accumulate precious ones. In his preaching Jesus too mentioned about a man who bought precious pearls selling all his properties.

Once I had gone for a religious chant gathering. Since believers thronged to the prayer hall, there was no space to sit. Finding some gap at a place I went and prepared to sit expecting some adjustment from the adjacent old lady seated comfortably. The way she stared at me with a resentful expression astonished me. Noticing this baleful look, a lady seated in the next row volunteered to give me some space. How can one expect a lady, who was reluctant to adjust for even a bit of space in a common place, to be accommodative at home? With this mindset, will such people have any salvation in life no matter how many holy gatherings they attend or however much they fast in the name of God?

Bus travels are sometimes educative and interesting. During rush hour, three people occupy a two seater and four people occupy a three seater. Rarely can you see a single fluffy one occupying a two seater and showing reluctance to accommodate the second passenger. In such a scenario, a lady, the second occupant of a two seater, adjusted herself voluntarily and offered the seat to an older lady who was standing for quite a long time. The look of gratitude and happiness that blossomed on the elder woman's face was priceless. This is what the benefactor gets in return. No words, only silence, but a pleasant atmosphere. Such experiences cannot be bought or verbally explained, but be felt.

We should be conscious of what we give and take and why. Unless adjusted with care and forethought, sometimes we become a laughing stock as it is depicted in the following story:

A father-son duo readied themselves to go to the market to sell a donkey. The father, with fatherly concern, made his son sit on the donkey-back and ride. People, on seeing this, commented, "Poor thing! Look at the son who is unashamedly sitting and travelling comfortably while his poor old father is walking." Hearing this, the son got down and made his father sit on the donkey and ride. Further down the road, some others commented, "The poor boy is walking whereas his father is riding on donkey-back." Now the father got down and both walked. Still further down the road, a new set of people mocked at them saying, "Look at these two fools; they slog on under the hot sun while the donkey walks free with them." The moral here is that the society will have many opinions, but we must be clear on what to compromise and what to lend an ear to.

There are fights that ensue in many families for trivial things like dress or gift articles. The plight of men who love their mothers unconditionally is very pathetic. The mother sulks, "How can the new entrant separate my son from me?" Daughter in law's remorse is that the mother-in-law interferes unnecessarily in the family matters. If adjustment is absent, dispute arises not only at home but spills to the streets too. Mother should handover 90% of her rights on her son to his spouse. Rejoice at their happy life from a distance.

Rights do not come alone but with duties. A lady who claims 90% of rights over her husband must also give proportionate importance to his relatives. This policy of 'give and take' should prevail among families. The lack of this mindset makes the married brothers arch rivals who were once living in harmony. We can see such issues everywhere. People initially suspect and later blame with conviction, that the new entrant is the cause.

The sweet memory of chewing the chocolates partly munched by the younger brother is forgotten; the memories of pleasant occasions in which the younger brother was dutifully and protectively led to school fade away. The fight between brothers over possession of land, trees or even the fallen leaves is a despicable reality these days. Can we see any civility in the silence between them during the subsequent years? Such incidents do not occur in the home a wise lady marries into.

The compromising flower becomes a fruit

The compromising seed becomes a tree

The compromising tree becomes a sculpture

The compromising stone becomes a statue.

Dear Lady,

Compromise and grow into a proliferous tree

Under your shade, many may find refuge.

Chapter 17

Exhibit patience, You can

Nature continues to do its duty without bothering about time. "A Comet may take thousand years to make one revolution; Sea may take ten thousand years to erode rocks on the shore. Nature doesn't yearn for time to complete its routine work. So, Why does man alone hurry to fulfill his mean wishes", aptly asks Thayumanavar.

Dear lady! Aren't you already aware that your wait in your mother's womb is longer than that of a male child? Did your mother hesitate to carry you because of that? The waiting game is not new to you, right? Do not succumb to anger when some deeds do not yield results immediately.

Do not spin like a hurricane

Do not burst like a storm.

Storms and hurricanes speed over 100km an hour. From such gusty wind we cannot expect any positive outcome. Be the soft and pleasant breeze that soothes the heart. That is relatively slow paced at a consistent rate of around 20km an hour.

Patience provides added advantage to growth and utility value. When a seed germinates from the soil after a long wait, it is in preparation for its longevity. Similarly, the long wait of female fetus in mother's womb indicates that its life expectancy is greater than that of the males.

Those who willingly wait don't show impatience about the duration, neither do they put any precondition for the wait. People of Israel waited for 100 years for their freedom and the Jews for their Messiah for 4000 years. The gift for patience is priceless. History says that Napoleon was in his mother's womb for 11 months. An ordinary rain drop waits within an oyster for 15 years and finally turns into the fine pearl. This wonder is a result of endless patience exhibited.

Poet and lyricist Vairamuthu justifies beautifully the law of Nature thus:

Be patient until the dawn breaks in the sky

Would it dawn earlier even if you pray for it at midnight?

There is an amusing riddle game that is played amongst children. It goes thus: "Dig a deep pit, put an egg in, look up the sky for 500 eggs."

Answer: 'coconut'.

You may get hundreds of coconuts but you will have to wait for 3 – 5 years whatever be the modern methods used to accelerate growth. 'Magic' cannot speed up the growth of anything.

In 'Panchathathiram' (A collection of Indian witty stories on foolish wits), there is a story regarding gardening done by a baby monkey. This story illustrates the undesired outcome of not waiting until the due time.

The baby monkey desired to form and maintain a garden, sowed the seeds. The seeds didn't germinate even after the due date and so the baby monkey sought the advice of an experienced old monkey.

"You wouldn't have watered the seeds", said the old monkey.

"I poured two bucketful daily", replied the baby monkey.

"The seeds would have decayed in the excess water" – suspected the old monkey

"No it can never be", the junior rejected the probability firmly.

"How come you are so sure?" queried the senior.

"Because, I dug out every seed and examined it daily", confessed the impatient baby monkey.

Today many ladies live with the mindset of the fore-said monkey. For them, everything must happen instantly. Love at first sight, hurried marriage, hasty decisions to live with the ignominy of separation – everything happens in quick succession. They forget that the benefit of selecting an apt life-partner extends for a millennium.

Remaining patient is part of life. We have to wait patiently for necessary things for the required time. Patience is essential to:

1) Make apt decisions.

2) To excel in performance to succeed in life and

3) Develop mental maturity with age.

Patience has its own inseparable set of benefits. Those who read the life history of one of the greatest scientists, can readily understand the truth of this. Despite his thousand defeats in succession, Edison succeeded in thousand ventures. His patents are the proofs. All due to his patience and diligence.

Jesus called as 'wise ones', the girls who equipped themselves for their nuptials and waited patiently for the right spouse. For certain things, we will have to wait though unwillingly. When our child is ill, we fix an appointment with the doctor and wait patiently for diagnosis and treatment. If a nagging tooth-ache bothers us, we wait and go to the far off best dentist and not to the veterinarian next door.

We need to be patient to find solutions for some problems. There are ladies who pounce on their spouses upon arrival from office and present a volley of complaints, with no idea about their mental state. Not many women are aware that it is their own calm and serene lives that are going to be charred in the inferno they ignite. Many prove themselves no better than the Devil incarnate. 'You need me or your mother?' They put their spouses, with this immature and insensible question, in a tight corner to exercise their option giving no time to even blink their eyes. Many a man turns to the 'wine shops' for temporary relief, unable to provide answer to their spouse's mind-blowing question.

A wise woman never resorts to this approach. Wisdom is related to patience. And a wise woman is one who embodies patience.

It is a patient fetus that grows into a child

It is the patient oyster that fosters the pearl

It is the patient coal that forms the diamond

Anything that is patient turns into one of immense value.

Do we not wait calmly for the right bus, train or airplane to travel to our destination? We do not randomly pick a destination and get into some random vehicle and get down at some random stop, correct?

There are a few women who wait without food or sleep till their spouses return home. There is nothing wrong in it. But it should not become as severe as to affect your health. Your body needs adequate food and a minimum of 7 hours sleep. This is not self-indulgence but the method of self-maintenance. Should one wait for her husband if he goes to parties, friends and feasts after office hours? Wise thinking is required here.

Not only for your husband, learn to wait patiently for his parents also at important occasions. They will be on your side forever. Dear lady! Do you need anyone else's support after this?

Chapter 18

Lady! Empathy is the Key

Death is imminent for everyone born, no escapism. So is the fact that life will be chaotic. Problems and issues form an integral part of life. But life's progress depends on our perspective and on how we approach and solve problems. The status, situations and issues vary from person to person. Hence generic theories are not applicable. Only through empathy towards the other person's griefs and problems will we be able to understand their situation and we can improve the art of understanding others.

Sometimes, we feel that the senior citizens in our home talk and jabber excessively. We can also hear others mumble irritably and ask them to sit tight in a corner without creating nuisance. Now, you try to remain in a confined space continuously for ten days with nobody to talk to. You will realize the pain and suffering you undergo in such a situation. The old people confront problems wherever they go –be it at home or outside. Whether they board a bus or alight from it, the conductor of the bus comments, "Hey Old man! Why the hell do you stir out of your house?" The drum or any other percussion instrument is being struck on two sides, but the plight of the senior citizens is pathetic as they get battered from all sides. Unfortunately as we get old, our mouth, stomach and limbs do not synchronize with the brain!

There are people who showcase their bravado and arrogance even to children. They exaggerate even the small mistakes a child commits and humiliate it. "View children from their perspective. Respect their individualistic feelings too", said a philosopher.

Many a time we fail to view a situation from others' perspective. We always compare ourselves with others, that too with less distressed people and with people who work lighter than us. Ideally, we should compare our work and hardships with those who work harder than us. One of the greatest legends in music is Beethoven. A lady who profusely appreciated his music asked him how he managed to come up with such beautiful compositions to which he replied that anyone who could work hard for more than 18 hours a day would be able to outdo his accomplishment. Comparison with such people will always be healthy, progressive and will not lead to jealousy. We will stop finding fault and will start empathizing with others.

Midday, when the sun was at its zenith, a man was walking barefoot. He was under compulsion to walk in the scorching sun. He sped to a nearby temple and complained, "Oh God! Why did you create me in such a poor condition where I cannot even afford footwear?" It was then that he noticed a poor man with no legs asking alms. He realized his mistake and prayed, "While there is a beggar without legs, I am complaining about my inability to buy footwear. Maybe, you made me walk this distance barefoot in order to make me understand this invaluable lesson?" He pleaded for forgiveness.

You will be awe-struck with the story of a lady whom I know personally. Her day started at 2:00 AM, when she would do all the services to her bed-ridden mother in law, and catch the 4:00 AM train and travel 5 hours to office to reach by 9 AM. Would it be right to rebuke her for a 5 minute delay on some day? Would it be fair to even compare her to somebody residing very close to the office? Stories pertaining to ladies suffering at the houses of their in-laws are aplenty.

Similar situations involving women can be seen on a daily basis. Though it may not be possible to completely avoid such situations, we must try to step in other people's shoes and understand the problem. Great men always had different perspectives. They empathized with others and hence looked unique. Their approach can awe us into inaction. Lord Buddha used to send his acolytes to preach. One day, one of his disciples came to Buddha and said, "While preaching, a man not only did question me but also rebuffed me". Lord Buddha asked his disciple to bring that man to him. The disciple searched and brought him. Lord Buddha said, "Give him food". The disciple objected, "I thought you would teach him a lesson. But you gave him food and sent him away". Buddha said, "Whathe needs now is not advice, but food for his starving stomach. I gave him whichever he needed."

Now about Jesus' treatment of a sinner:

One day, people brought a woman sinner to Jesus and insisted that she be stoned to death as per Moses' law. Through his spiritual prowess, Jesus could know that many people in the crowd had committed the same sin with her. He was writing something in the sand using his finger and without looking at anybody said, "Whoever has never committed a sin before, hurl the first stone at her." The crowd vanished one by one, revealing that not even a single soul was unadulterated.

Before finding fault with someone, instead of viewing him as a separate individual, view him along with the environment he lives in. This will give you a deeper insight into him and enable you to discount the minor issues, problems, errors, incompetence and forgetfulness. Sometimes, this will reveal some unexpected facets that will make us wonder how they are even alive.

Some people living with the least problems in the upper crust of the society enter into some vain argument and ask, "Aren't we living a decent life?" There is much difference between roses growing in the Sahara desert and those in the chillness of the Amazon River belt. The Amazon rose has no locus-standi to ask the Sahara rose on why it cannot bloom as beautifully as the Amazon roses do. The environments are two extremes. In the scorching Sahara sand, off - shoot of leaves itself is a wonder.

We understand the varied contradictions of Nature and the aggressive effect of environment on humans. Very often, we forget that the vast difference in the nature of human beings is partly due to external factor "environment" and greatly due to the internal characteristic "DNA". There is a convergence of people from varied backgrounds and conditions both in the domestic and corporate world. While there are misunderstandings between siblings who live in the same environment together for a long time, how do we expect understanding between others who come from different environments? If you use the lens that the saints used to see others, flaws will thin out and understanding will intensify.

Chapter 19

Wisdom defeats Selfishness

Cuckoo sings not for herself

But for the delight of others

Rain pours not for itself

But for the enrichment of the soil

Fruits ripen not for themselves

But for others to eat

Rivers flow not for their benefit

But for the banks to flourish

Righteous people live not for themselves

But to make others live.

Every human being has to understand the reality of the true world. The way of life of our ancestors and their assessments have been lessons for the successive generations. It is usual for everyone to tell in their own way how to live in this world. Even ordinary people irritatingly make comments to criticize others like "Oh God! What a pathetic life they live! Are they even human!" Those leading egoistic lives cannot be role models to others.

A young man once approached Tagore to get his autograph. He was interrupted mid-way by Tagore's secretary. The secretary saw that the young man was carrying a diary in which he wrote "Understand yourself". He felt proud in propagating Socrates' advice. Tagore wrote, "Conquer yourself". Those who live without selfishness alone can conquer themselves.

Knowing oneself marks growth

Conquering oneself marks maturity.

In this world, nothing is eternal or permanent, be it your belongings, your relations, home, land or job. They are gifted only to be used. No matter how great a king you may be, however much your throne is adorned with precious stones or whatever high post you occupy, when the right time comes, we go "underneath" empty-handed the same way we came into the world. To illustrate this, let me point out an incident that happened in the life of Sikh Guru Nanak.

The King requested Guru Nanak to pay a special visit to his palace in order to honour him. The Guru accepted the invitation. With pride, the King took the Guru around the palace, showed all respect and gave dinner. After the feast, the Guru gave the King a pin and asked him to return it to him in Heaven after his demise. "How can I give? We cannot carry anything along with us", said the King. Thus the Guru made the King understand the transient nature of the world.

We continue to live avariciously even after knowing the truth behind, "We cannot take even a needle with us" when we leave this world. Some do not hesitate to usurp the belongings of others. There is no remedy if properties such as temple assets, assets of business partners, assets of childless couples, misers' property etc. are seized. Dear lady, ensure that such assets do not find a place in your list of belongings.

Repaying goodness with goodness is a universal custom. We begin to forsake selfishness only when we start to repay evil with goodness. Selflessness does not necessarily mean that we should renounce everything. The first step is to ensure that we do not grab anything that is not ours. Second step is that we do not have any property that would disrupt our peace of mind. Third step is to donate a portion of income to charity. You may wonder how much would be left in our hand after meeting these commitments. Keep in mind that a Squeaky clean fortune is always blessed, it will remain clean and will multiply many folds. Peace of mind and sound sleep are its supplements. What else do we need?

There is an interesting story about the people residing in Hell. Sumptuous food was kept in one room. And there were people sitting to feast on it. But no one was eating because each one's hands were tied to the long spoon and they were not able to fold their hands to eat. And hence their hunger was not satisfied. Each was focused on his vessel and his own hunger.

An identical feast was arranged in another room. There were ravenous souls here too. And they too had the same long stemmed spoons tied to their hands. But here, everyone was eating. And more so, there were sounds of chatter, laughter and happiness spreading like waves here. On a closer look, there was only one difference between the residents of the first and the second rooms. While the former were more concerned about themselves, the latter were able to think beyond their hunger and see the hunger of the others. Hence, they worked out a solution and fed each other, thus rejoicing in the satisfaction of others as well as their own. This fictional story is in conformity with the statement "If you feed your neighbour's child, your child will be nourished effortlessly".

There is a truth in the phenomenon 'rags to riches and vice versa' in the alternating fortunes of life. Those who spend for the needy, without meticulous reckoning, live happily with popularity and prosperity. Real beauty lies in the selfless deeds.

Based on various grounds, we differentiate men from animals. Even ferocious animals do not exhibit selfishness. They kill other animals only to satisfy their hunger and not with the intention to stock food for themselves. No matter where the lessons come from, we must accept them and learn.

The selfish instinct which originates in the mind induces us to collect and stock things. Let us open our mind to examine if its contents are worthwhile or worthless. As the total value of a carton is decided based on the value of its contents, the value of the mind depends on what is in its interior.

"The dustbin is degraded because of the rubbish inside it; mind gets degraded because of the mean thoughts inside", said Sage Thayumanavar.

Saints can preach to us. Aren't the actions in our hands? Let us dispose off foul-smelling trash from inside our heart. Carrying the garbage inside our hearts for a prolonged period of time will wear away the heart encasing it, rot the body carrying it and tear away the soul residing within it. Let us change the selfish thoughts and cleanse our souls.

Everywhere we can see selfish people who are busy acquiring wealth without giving even a pittance to others and without having the time to care about their health. These are the people who, by such a lifestyle, accelerate their deaths. Should we lose our well-being, relationships and serenity during our lifetime in the pursuit to amass wealth for others to enjoy the rewards of our pains, post our demise?

Given below are some points to ponder. They are the verses of Shelly.

"The seed ye sow, another reaps;

The wealth ye find, another keeps;

The robes ye weave, another wears;

The arms ye forge, another bears."

Dear Lady! Our homes do not become holy by the acquisition of wealth or by being self-centered. Your home transforms into a sanctum by cleansing your soul of the blots.

Chapter 20

Learn to live with minimal desires

"Our father in Heaven, Neither do I need wealth nor poverty, just a wholesome meal for sustenance"

Food, the basic need of life has become a luxury for some. Due to the greed and obsessiveness of a section of people, another section faces deficiency in this dire necessity. Today we cannot find a single soul who is satisfied with the basic need of food alone and so even God cannot answer the above prayer. It is difficult to find a sage who swore complete detachment from worldly pleasures. Only in history and stories we read about them.

The wishes of mankind are myriad in nature. Each, unknowingly, has a huge list of unfulfilled desires pent up in him or her. These wants can only be fulfilled based on one's priority. But prioritization remains complicated as each one jostles forward. One takes precedence over the other. This dynamics leaves aspirations unfulfilled even post demise. Many wishes are entrusted with their descendants to be fulfilled posthumously.

Scarcely can we see anyone with no desires. Such a one is yet to be born. An unborn illusion cannot be traced among the existing entities. That is why the Prophet said "Unchained is the one who got his desires minimal." Those with minimized needs have

made an indelible imprint in the history and people's minds. Society has identified them whatever be their nationality or sphere of activity.

Among them are included statesmen like Mahathma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Kakkan, Kamaraj and pious souls like Mother Theresa, etc. Mother Theresa who lived with only two sarees stands distinctly apart from the typical ladies who keep stack piles of dresses at home.

Socrates was a simple man. Though he used to frequent the bazaar on a daily basis, he would not purchase anything. He would look at the things there and return empty handed. His students were puzzled by Socrates' strange behavior and asked, "You don't keep anything neither do you buy anything, but why then do you go to the bazaar each day?" Socrates answered "I just wanted to see for myself, how many things that I don't have, but still manage to be happy and peaceful"

Can we live like Socrates? Hmm.. I can picture your mind contemplating this question. But would that change the demeanour of naked truths? Definitely not.

A fish's captivity is linked to its desire to taste the bait

A deer, is entangled in net tricked by its curiosity of the sounds

A moth is burnt in lamp enticed by light and

MAN wallows in sin yielding to spell of pleasure

Experts say that women have more desires than men. In comparison to a man, a woman's appetite is two times greater, her intellect four times and her desires eight times. We are unable to reject this Myanmarese proverb as far from truth. The mobs of women in dress shops, jewelry marts, and fashion stores stand testimony to the above observation.

There are ladies who buy in bulk without the knowledge of their husbands. When ladies purchase goods, husbands tend to feel the bulk of their purses, while no body is watching. Why? Answer lies within the wardrobes of ladies.

The extravagance in marriages and flamboyance in festivals are infused by the ladies' presence in special attire. What lies behind this excessive vanity is their boundless desire to look important. Are such desires necessary in this earthly life? This question may elicit a unanimous answer 'absolutely yes' from the women brigade. In support of their stance, they can enlist a thousand reasons. Ask this question to a man and the answer will be expectedly evasive or a resounding silence. After all he does have a house and a wife to return to!

There are men who readily cheat women knowing the subtle nuances of their desires and wants. Just like fish being hooked by enticing into biting the bait, these women are led into the trap of deceit assuring them of some of their wants. Some are conned into giving up all their belongings in exchange for a few specious temporal pleasures like garments, ornaments, etc.

Years ago, in my native place, there lived a family in a rustic environment. The lady was an innocent person. Her husband would present her with a trendy five-gram gold ring. In turn she would be relieved of a 5 sovereign gold chain. Another day another chain would be exchanged for a carton of candy and well-crafted sugary syllables. This curious barter system continued till she lost all her meagre ornaments. When the reality did hit her, the damage was already done. Will the lady ditched by her own husband be welcome with open arms into her maternal home? No. A huge blow to the lady from this front too. I bet there will be quite a number of similar unfortunate ladies in every nook and corner of the world.

The debased status of women shall be attributed to the consistent increase in their wants. On one hand we talk about the equality of sexes and fight for 33% reservation for women in all walks of life. On the other hand we stoop down to below the level of animals in order to fulfill the desires we yearn for. In the process, there is a possibility for her to get stigmatized for losing her sacred possession.

In his inimitable style, Kunnakudi Adikalar explains a strong concept very simply. "A carriage-ride will be smooth if the distance between the axle and wheel is small and balanced. Similarly life-carriage will be smooth if the physical needs and requirements of the soul almost coincide".

Many seers and saints have preached the art of living in their own styles. They are not hard to understand and practise. Looking back down the memory lane into the history, we find only a countable number of people who lived with minimum wants. Only those who realized that this life is merely a journey, have lived a full life with minimal desires.

Phycologist Abraham Harold Maslo lists down a common man's needs (desires). The hierarchy of the needs of 6 stage model includes:

1. Biological and Physiological needs \- air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep.

2. Safety needs - protection from elements, security, order, law, stability, freedom from fear.

3. Love and belongingness needs - friendship, intimacy, affection and love, - from work group, family, friends, and romantic relationships.

4. Esteem needs - achievement, mastery, independence, status, dominance, prestige, self-respect, and respect from others.

5. Self-Actualization needs - realizing personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.

6. Spiritual needs – Connecting to The Supreme One.

Many women wrongly conclude that their life's purpose is over if their basic needs and security concerns are met. Hey gal! Have we embarked on this earthly incarnation only to be satisfied with these specious desires?

If we can fulfil the requirements of the soul, all others become trash. Let us discard the rubbish and step forward to satisfy the soul's needs.

Chapter 21

Lessons a River teaches

The wandering clouds do not belong to the sky

Plants that grow do not belong to the soil that supports

Water that oozes down does not belong to the well it dwells in

The wafting air does not belong to those who inhale it

And the sinuous water that flows stays not in stream.

These are Nature's rules; essential lessons taught indirectly. We seldom think much of the rivers that calmly flow. Its origin does not know the path of the river or the confluence. It massages forests, hills and valleys. It leads a near-to-perfect existence by grabbing the essentials, drowning the superfluous and preserving the floatables.

Never can anyone live a perfect and idealistic life with a constant sense of euphoria throughout. Dear Girl! You need to learn that there are some aspects of life that have to be buried forever. Even if the credibility of the incident you have either seen, heard or felt about is absolute, the moment you realize that it can potentially harm another soul, you should fasten a bolt to that thought immediately and banish it from the mind forever.

Not only does the river leave a mark wherever it flows, it is its innate quality to nurture anything that it passes through with utmost impartiality. It does not differentiate between a lotus growing in the mud and the peepul tree near a temple. Its purpose is to nurture and that it does gracefully.

Mother Teresa! A truly marvelous creation of God! She left an indelible mark in the hearts of mankind, not due to who or what she was but due to her humanitarian deeds. She carved a niche in history for herself and her parents too. Born in Macedonia (Albania then) she lived with the sole purpose of serving mankind till her very last breath. She uprooted herself from her Motherland and settled in Calcutta, India to continue her service with utmost dedication. She did not preach about her homeland. Never did she get a chance to return to her homeland, to her parents or to her siblings. That did not deter her from pursuing her goals.

The origin of a river is glorified by the river's tendency to nurture everything on its way, and so is a girl's origin. Whether she is at her maternal home or with her in-laws, she will be exalted when her sincere work and selfless service get exhibited.

As a means of escapism from the obstacles coming her way, the modern woman opts for the easy way out by fleeing to her maternal home, especially in the Indian society. Is she welcome there? No. Hesitantly she is accepted. Her parents are not aware of the danger associated with the phenomenon of the 'Run Away Bride' that lurks their daughter. A wedded daughter at her maternal home is merely a guest. Overstay invites greetings through gritted teeth. A lady's home is where her husband lives. (As per Indian society norms.)

Spiritual work cannot enjoy any exemptions from the basic rules of life. God has never promised anyone a perfect, hassle-free, peaceful and secured life. But He has promised that He would come to our rescue and support when we confront problems. While caught in dire straits, if we show a trace of courage, He will definitely extend a helping hand.

River does not pursue an ordered course always. Unmindful of the unknown path ahead, the river pursues its meandering quest further. When dams are built across and other obstacles erected, the river acquires the necessary strength to overcome these hurdles. Similarly, when caught in the thick of a controversy or turbulence, necessary strength flows to fortify our persona. This is how God keeps His promise.

The river selflessly nurtures all living things on its banks and is talked highly of. This is the river's pride. Ladies keeping family affairs squeaky clean and people living for others, for the country and for the religion are certified 'well moulded'.

Rivers can not only bury the unwanted rubbish, but can also break strong rocks that come in its way. Similarly, we ladies have the capacity to thaw out even the most hardened hearts.

"Water is fluid, soft and yielding.

But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield.

As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard.

This is another paradox: What is soft is strong"

– Lao Tzu, Chinese Philosopher.

Wherever the river flows, its surroundings prosper. A wise lady compares well with a river. A girl has varied and crucial choices to make:

Her parents or her in-laws?

Selfish existence or a selfless life?

To be secluded or to be in the midst of public?

River doesn't have a life that either has to be kept under wraps or be hidden in shame. If your life too is not wrapped in enigma, all your residences – former and present, will be glorified. Live a life that will bring honour to your maternal home and prosperity to your marital home.

Hey gal! Be conscious that you leave your precious imprints wherever you live.

The River ---

Leaves imprints wherever it traverses

Infuses knowledge through its experience

Pursues courses that lead us in the right path

Leaves its banks ever prosperous.

Chapter 22

Solve the problem, Not drag it

"There is no sea without turbulent waves

And no one without any predicaments"

In the face of dispute, resolving the same without prejudice in a smooth way is an art in itself. The same problem might seem to be a challenge to one, an overwhelming moment for another and a fairly easy solution for yet another. While looking at the awe-inspiring high mountains, there are a few who envisage the prospect of scaling and conquering the peak. While some others who would wonder "Why try something so treacherous and risky and get ribs broken?"

People who are in debt have a tendency to console themselves with fake consolations. Being dilatory they utter self-gratifying false solaces "Who doesn't take mortgage these days? Is there anyone who is free from debt? Government itself has imposed debt on our heads." Their mindset is not tuned to closure of debt but to pay the interest now and then, leaving the loan amount un-touched. Like a bouncing ball it boomerangs with accumulated interest.

As the saying goes, "To err is human". Some would have committed petty mistakes towards any family member. In order to relieve themselves from the mental stress, they confess their mistakes to somebody who they deem trust worthy. For a short duration they would feel that the stress had been released. This is just an interim solution. A secret is one that only the self knows. The moment this is shared with another person, the chances are that they may be proclaimed any moment. If the person to whom this was shared is not dependable, then to tackle him, they will have to jettison money. They will lose sleep and peace of mind. This distress of repeated death on a daily basis may prove to form the screenplay for many films.

In situations like this, is it not sensible to make peace with the enemy rather than fall at the feet of the witness? Would it not be even better to live a guilt-free life by not doing deeds condemned by the society and holy books? Hey gal! You can live the life of modern girl as poet Bharathi envisioned and roam around with your head held upright and vision sharp and straight.

A festering sore will not heal unless treated properly. No use in finding fault with the medicine if applied superficially. Today many ladies act this way. At the onset of a headache they seek temporary remedy by devouring a few pills. Recurrence leads to irritation and they complain continually. Why not analyze the root cause for the headache rather than opting for a temporary fix?

The main problem with most of the women is their tendency to seek ad-hoc solutions. This may help occasionally, not always. When the magnitude of the problem becomes so huge that they grumble, "Why am I going through this? I deserve this and more for my stupidity" and beat their chest in anguish.

The life and death is decided by the Lord Himself. He has given us the freedom to choose the way we live during this interim period on earth. The way we choose to live our lives and how we choose to make each day productive, peaceful and beneficial are in the hands of each individual. Upon hearing the name of Ghazni Mahmud, we reminisce his multiple and ceaseless invasions on India. Once Queen Rita of Persia defied the monarchy of Ghazni and stopped the payment of tribute. Ghazni sent a messenger informing his intent to invade. The tactful letter the queen wrote back negated the long standing enmity between the two. Here is her astute response:

"Your highness if you invade the county, you will end up with a bad reputation whether you lose or win the war. If you lose you would be laughed at for being defeated by a woman. On the other hand if you win, you would be mocked for defeating a woman in a war. You, being an intelligent man, I presume you will not want to be made a laughing stock." Reading this reply of Queen Rita, Ghazni dropped his plan and never invaded Persia till his demise. Is it not a permanent solution?

Another incident seeking immediate solution: One day the subject teacher of a class, of which I was the class teacher, was on leave. In order to engage the students I told them, "Students! Complete the assignment your teacher had given you; your teacher is on leave." All heaved a sigh of relief. Awe-struck, I asked for the reason for their glee, to which they said, "We were supposed to have a class test." They were intent on immediate freedom, not conscious that cancellation of a test will lead to another taxing day. It is students' psychology; I had to smile.

If small misunderstandings and juvenile brawls are not resolved then and there, they may snowball into disputes of humungous proportions. So, act now.

What did we bring into this world to take back with us upon our demise? In some families, some members fight for the property. Failure to find a lasting solution leads to simmering, that later may culminate in big fights, murder, revenge, etc. through generations to come. What is required is a lasting solution not a subterfuge. Family problems subdued by temporary fixes may stimulate and transcend home boundaries and graze socio political arenas too.

Hey gal! Solutions should be long-lasting. Strive for it wherever you are. If a problem can be solved, solve it. Do not bypass, do not procrastinate. If it is beyond your reach, leave it to the Supreme Being and pray from your heart.
Chapter 23

No death-knell for suspicion

We do not live in a world completely devoid of evils. Rarely can we find a flawless man. Just because some men do remain imperfect, it doesn't justify to suspect everybody. Also, as being suspicious is frowned with the statement 'little minds nurse great suspicions', we cannot trust the credibility of everyone either.

In the 21st century, whether or not our country becomes prosperous, there is no dearth of unimaginable incidents that occur, prompting everybody to be in a state of constant apprehension.

Suspicion is omnipresent. Be it the disbelief of a parent in the way the child grows into an adult, the curiosity of children on whether their parents are responsible ones, the skepticism of the people about their leaders, the distrust between the husband and wife... the list is long. This sense of distrust has percolated even to the food he eats, the air he breathes, the water he drinks and even the land he walks on.

There should be a limit to who we should suspect and how much. In an era where people suspect those who they daily meet on the street and in offices, we need not trust unknown people and receive them at home. You must know that a credulous person is easily cheated.

Recently there appeared a news about a con woman. A lady was waiting in a bus stop for a particular bus. A girl approached her and asked, "Can you please let me stay in your house for the night today?" The gullible lady pitied the girl and allowed her to stay. The next morning, not only had the girl absconded but had run away with some jewels. Later it was found that there were similar complaints against her.

Who all should we converse with

Who all should be left at the gate

Who all should we open the door to

Who all should be led to stay.

Every girl must know the above directives and exhibit a sense of prudence and discretion.

At home, if money is found missing frequently, you must probe. When your husband, son or daughter bring excess money, other than their pay cheque, you should examine the sources. Isn't this much of suspicion a base necessity?

If your children frequently talk for hours together confidentially with college-mates or colleagues through telephone, cell or internet, you must become suspicious.

If they are gullible enough not to know the significance of these conversations, they should be made known. If they do so knowingly, you have the duty to intervene. When you stretch an accusing finger towards your children, you must be aware that your four fingers have turned towards you. You should ensure to attain the eligibility to question another.

The late poet and lyricist Vaali says in the following poem that circumstances that lead to suspicion and to get ruined and chances to reform are aplenty:

Eyes do commit mistakes – Why?

Milk and Toddy look alike

Mind do commit mistakes – why?

Pelf and power tempt it fine

Any one becomes brutal – why?

Voice and mind reek of vice

Man himself becomes God – How?

Words and actions radiate truth.

The elevation to the position of God, of man who lived like a brute in character, words and action is not a normal feat. It is not easy to understand which type of action can elevate one to the position of Godliness. Hey gal! If you can approach this unreachable position, your residence will definitely be a sanctum.

In the modern day culture, with women proclaiming their assumed equality with men in all fields, the suspicion that women have towards men and vice versa leads to numerous dangerous consequences like blame games, divorces, separations, suicides and other scary incidents.

At what age can one start to doubt? Is there any fixed tenure up to which one can doubt? Would you believe that an 80 year old grandpa suspects his wife, a 78 year old lady? We don't know whether the grandpa is even aware of the power of her spectacles. Does this incident not sound weird? This is not a fabricated story, but is very much a true incident.

When there are grandpas who get married in their 90s and 100s, we have to believe that they may suspect their grand ladies. When a 90 year old squints at a 100 year old, can another 100 squint at the 90 to seek remnants of the carnal tinge?

Just because you are suspected continually, are you going to carry the cross like the tortoise that carries its scaly shell? Not necessary. From the beginning, if you can maintain decorum in your way of life, there will be no room for suspicion. A weighty wallet alone attracts friends and thieves.

No body suggests to seek divorce or self-immolation to prove one's innocence. We must devise honest and straight-forward schemes and live accordingly.

Don't be misguided to believe that women alone are carrying crosses and burdens. Men are not exempted from this kind of torture. There are some women who suspect their men no matter what they do, who they speak to, or where they go. There are some who taint the basic sanctity of the relationships around their men that it leads to the men's discomfort even when exchanging pleasantries with their closest relations.

"Suspicion has that much of power to defeat history sometimes by resuscitating incidents dead and gone and at the same time, it can sound the death knell to fresh incidents." says a philosopher. Can such a powerful storm leave ordinary families unaffected?

When suspicion begins to penetrate a family, either a male or a female, what breaks and gets destroyed is the family itself.

Women have to keep one thing in mind. However strongly people may talk about gender equality, pass laws and conduct hot debates, history has always accused ladies and has shown partiality.

Caesar's wife was expected to be 'above suspicion', but not Caesar. The men, who brought to Jesus a woman who committed adultery to be stoned to death, were not eligible to ask for such a punishment. A woman cannot commit adultery alone. Though Sita was considered virtue incarnate, she had to prove her purity by throwing herself to fire-kiln.

The same history continues with no change. Today also, "She eloped with her lover", "She was caught", "She vanished" are the newspaper headlines projecting incidents involving the women's love affairs. It is curious to note that men's names are kept in the dark almost in all the cases.

Neither do I ask you to fight

Nor I ask you to bear the cross

I ask not to initiate a debate

I don't insist to go on a procession (to form a group)

But I ask you to stand and walk tall with no fear of any sensual accusation. People view things at high places with high regards and not from a degrading perspective.

Chapter 24

Burdened souls! Listen a bit

A little girl was carrying her younger brother on her shoulder. An old man pitied the girl and asked, "Dear Girl! Don't you feel the weight?" The girl looked at the old man bewildered. Sensing the confusion, the man again said, "I am asking about the boy on your shoulder". The man was astonished when the girl asked, "How can my younger brother be a burden to me?"

I know a lady who used to carry her 5 year old physically challenged daughter on her shoulder every Sunday to the church approximately 3 km away. I used to be fascinated by the scene.

We can categorize the burdens that women carry into 4 distinct sections.

The ones she bears in her heart

The ones she bears in her body

The ones she bears in her family

The ones she bears in her society.

"Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest" - Lord Jesus.

Those who carry the load alone can feel the weight. A woman carries her fetus in her womb for 10 months. After delivery, she carries the child physically. Later, carries the child in her mind. Ironically, many of the women who offered blood as food and womb as shelter seek asylum in old-age homes in the evening of their life. She bears that also with a bleeding heart. This is because, she is unable to dislodge the space she has given her child in her heart. And that will be ever present until her last breath.

Women observe much tolerance. Thiruvalluvar burnishes this character with his famous line, "As the land that bears the tiller and digger, so is the woman".

Sometimes women carry unnecessary worries though they can be actually be unburdened. When her daughter is married off, the mother is worried of her new environment, though her daughter may be very happy with her husband. Same is the worry when her daughter starts to stay in hostel. This sort of unnecessary worry is ridiculed by the following anecdote:

A man was treading on a road with a heavy load on his head. A van driver pitied him and asked him to board the van. He boarded and travelled the whole distance without removing the load from his head.

Burdens can be divided into two types based on the experience we undergo. One is delight and the other is distress. Some pertain to body and some to mind. A few are visible and a few others are invisible. The mindset of the one who shoulders the responsibility differentiates whether it is a delightful or distressful burden.

We do not need people to lessen the weight carried physically. There are many gadgets to lessen this weight or share it. In order to lessen the emotional burden, people are needed to share or to lend an ear.

Who shall we unload our mental agony to? Who is ready to hear us? How many can you expect to listen to our grievances without getting bored? Though there are people at home, many do not get an opportunity to talk; some find it difficult to understand. Thus, the number of people struggling with mental agony has increased multifold.

During the good old days of the joint family system, when there were internal conflicts and losses, people used to mentally console each other. And this helped to reduce the burden easily. Now-a-days, due to the multiplication of nuclear families, there is a drastic reduction in the number of people available to jointly share the burden. People go to condole deaths just like guests do. They just show their face and vanish even without waiting till the funeral is over. Whether they be close friends or relatives, they expose this twenty-first century trend; exceptions are always there.

Daily distresses should be discarded before sunset. If not, we will have to carry them during sleep also. Should we carry them like how the snails carry their shells? Let us face misfortunes with grit.

A teacher, with a small demonstration, tried to stress to his students that they remove minor botherations quickly.

He filled two-thirds of a glass beaker with water.

"Is it heavy?" he asked the students.

"No", they answered.

He asked the strongest boy in the class to hold it aloft.

"Why do we need such a strong boy to do this? Even a child can do", said many in a taunting tone, while the boy was holding the beaker.

No response from the teacher; time passed. The facial expression of the boy changed; he began to sweat profusely.

Now the teacher asked, "Can you hold it aloft for one hour?"

"No sir", said the boy in a repenting tone.

Hey lady! Jettison your worries quickly, if you can. Do not hold the beaker of worry for a long time.

Unburden your emotional anxieties, or else, you will end up in mental pain. Be the happy and chirpy Guardian Angel helping either to share the burden or eradicate them. While carrying an excessive heavy load, a simple helping hand to share the load will reduce the burden by half. The same applies to emotional stress too. Dear Girl! Try to accomplish this wherever you are.

Whether an incident, a word or a stare is offensive or not, depends on the person and his mental set up. A simple look will suffice to subdue a section of people. They keep withdrawn like a snail. Another section, whatever be the severity of the incident, casually shed their embarrassment just like dusting their dress or like a bird that ruffles and ejects water drops from its sticky feathers. What type are you?

Burdens ease away with forgiving eyes

Burdens turn into comfort with soothing words.

How does a blade of grass hold on its head a dew drop heavier than itself? A beautiful scene to behold. Similarly, a lady bearing burdens majestically is beautiful. Like how God sends the sun rays to absorb the dew drops, He will ensure to send the right guardians in times of need to share our burdens.

Chapter 25

Reached the limits of Boredom?

The mind that continually yearns for changes gets bored when life does not bring in the expected change. A few things can be changed, and a few cannot be. On a whim, we do not demolish a house tomorrow that was constructed today. When we become weary of looking at it daily, we keep changing wallpapers, decorative items, carpets, tables and chairs.

Even an innocent child wishes for a change. It throws away its old doll and anticipates gleefully for a better replacement.

If a story is told in a monotonous tone without any modulation or a known story is recited repeatedly, we can see children yawning the next moment. Continuously for three days if you follow the same recipe, giving least importance to your culinary expertise, we can see the men of the house fleeing to the nearby street vendor to satisfy their palate.

Being averse to stereotypical dreary dress, ornaments and hairstyle, the juvenile and the youth very often change the fashion of their dress and hairstyle. Even if their beautiful faces look ugly, they bear. They don't like looking stereotyped for days together.

These are realities we very often witness in our day-to-day life. Depending on the preferences and demands, there is variation in the production, distribution and advertisement of goods and services.

In order to get rejuvenated, it becomes necessary to introduce new tactics in our routine activities. Today, we are not at yesterday's position or place. Culture changes continuously. Our earth travels more than one-tenth of a million km an hour. So why should we alone stagnate in the same position?

We are able to enjoy the beauty of nature mainly because of year on year seasonal changes – spring, summer, autumn and winter and daily diurnal and nocturnal variations. If all people think alike, the brain will have no function to perform. Also, if all people look alike, there will not be any facial attraction. If all scholars talk in the same tone and tenor, audience will become weary of debate and discussions. There won't be people to clap, holler and encourage the speakers.

Some people exhibit their weariness even in circumstances where a mere casual intonation is warranted. "I am just surviving, somehow days are moving on, what to do? Living a bland life" etc. are words carrying heavy overtones of weariness. Even close friends may not like to hear these words because this weariness may descend on others too.

In order to cancel the weariness, people may seek amusement elsewhere. For the same purpose, they go on picnics with friends and pay occasional visits to relatives. These too are not permanent solutions for your boredom. The Bible warns,

"Do not visit your neighbors very often

As they will get bored with you and start disliking"

Haven't you heard, "Fish and guests stink in three days"?

People who can introduce difference and novelty in thought, words and actions will not burn-out easily. Even after crossing one hundred years, they may have a zest for life. A reporter once interviewed a 105-year old lady. When he was about to leave, he said he would return the following year for an interview. The lady quipped, "Sure! If you are alive", giving him the shock of his life.

Many people don different masks, according to circumstances, as a pretence of rejuvenation, though they are internally not at peace. This leads to a quick degeneration into boredom. Be it the mask of a King or a God, masks cannot rejuvenate you for long.

Lack of involvement of mind in activities will lead to frustration; a frustrated mind becomes lethargic; lethargy in turn leads to a feeling of emptiness and that eventually leads to a negative approach to life.

The great American psychiatrist, Dr. Ralph Greenson, aptly describes boredom thus: "Boredom is rooted to a sense of dissatisfaction, is symptomatic of an incompetent mind and is a manifestation of inefficiency of a man to understand what he is yearning for".

When weariness strikes hard, inability, immobility, effortlessness, dislike, disgust, etc. increase. Some of the results are unreasonable irritation, laziness, frustration and anger. These are characteristics of one who has no scope for improvement.

From Nature, we can learn how we can lead a life devoid of weariness. The Sun which gifts the beauty of dawn to every living creature never gets tired of its purpose. The Earth does not tire from its steady rotation around its axis and keeps renewing itself each day. It is due to this constant rotation that we witness day and night. Similarly, the blood flowing inside us is the reason for our normal functioning.

Be it a given task, a task burdened onto us, one that was thrust on us or the one we heartily accepted – if we view them in new angles every day, with a sense of novelty and try to implement new tricks, we will be able to overcome weariness.

Be it household work, office work, gardening at home or distant work – those who introduce new techniques are held in high esteem. Just think of listing down 9 dishes with a single vegetable; you can exalt yourself into the hierarchy of the culinary faculty.

"The discovery of a new dish does more for the happiness of mankind than the discovery of a star", said Anthelme Brillat-Savarin.

Adopt Innovations not only in the way you present yourself but also in the way you treat your profession and behave with people. If you do so, wherever you are, that place will definitely experience a transformation.

Chapter 26

Reluctant to do the given task?

If we are to count the number of working people in the age group 18 – 40 who remain passionate about their job, it will be hardly 20%. This is found to be true by a recent analysis. In this age group, it is found that there is absolutely no connection between what they desire to study versus what they end up choosing; the educational qualification vs the occupation; the occupation vs the salary and finally the salary versus the job satisfaction.

Some ask the working people and people from slightly different living conditions some weird questions: Why are you in this job when you have so many qualifications? What is your highest educational qualification? Why are you idle despite this qualification?

From many cases around us, we can understand that there is a major disconnect between what they studied and the jobs they are in.

We can see many instances where graduates and post-graduates work as bus conductors and drivers, engineers working in workshops and post-graduates turning into painters and doing masonry in buildings. Not all these people are doing this work out of their wish; they are victims of unfavourable circumstances.

People selected by different selection committees are no exceptions to it. Included in this group are women, both educated and illiterate, doing different works at home and outside, with or without remuneration.

The type of life we have, is a calling. There are duties to be performed in any type. Duties might have been those undertaken voluntarily or those thrust on us. Each lifestyle has a set of duties and responsibilities. There are no similarities between the duties of a teacher, driver, an ascetic or a housewife. One differs from another to a great extent.

"I found it is better for a man to seek pleasure in his own work because he is destined to do that", says The Holy Bible.

There are some who put in their complete involvement in the job they got into, even if it is not their choice. No matter what their preference is, only those who respect their job will be able

to rejoice at the work. Once there was a cobbler sitting at the corner of a street mending footwear. A high profile lady was walking past him in a hurry when her footwear snapped. The lady compelled the cobbler to stitch it saying, "I need this to be done immediately". The cobbler smilingly said, "I have my own approach towards this work that was taught to me by my father. Every footwear that comes to me will be mended slowly and carefully so that it does not snap again. I have been upholding this principle my father once had. Do you think I would let go of these good principles for you now?" The lady was very astonished. Was there a specific set of ethics even in mending shoes? Are there people who enjoy this occupation too? Impressed by the cobbler's passion for his work, she made it a habit to talk to that man whenever she was under emotional stress or work pressure.

When the efficiency of a gadget gets reduced, we charge it. Likewise, when we are bogged down by work pressure, let us look at the people who go about their work patiently with a smile. The strain on us will be considerably reduced.

The great Afro-American leader, the Late Martin Luther King explains how we should honour the working people no matter what their work is:

A roadside worker need not aim only up to be a good painter as Michael Angelo, great composer as Beethoven or brilliant play write as Shakespeare. He can excel even beyond the heights these people have risen to. Then the society will say, "Here is the roadside worker who has excelled in his work and has embedded himself in the hearts of all".

When I worked in a school, two traffic policemen were deputed to regulate traffic during peak hours in front of the school where there was no traffic signal. These men would assume duty alternately. One policeman was very sincere and effectively regulated the traffic so that slightly elderly people like me could cross the road without much difficulty or anxiety.

When I cited his name in class XII as an example of how sincerely one should work, all students in chorus, began to praise him. "If he is on duty, we can cross the road even with our eyes closed" said many. Does he require anymore certificate of appreciation?

No matter what the occupation is, when one does his job with utmost sincerity, not only does he derive satisfaction but also becomes a role model to many others around him. Job satisfaction does not depend on the tenure of the job but on how successfully that work is performed.

One may be in a profession not because of one's deliberate choice but because of social and financial compulsions. They too can learn the nuances of the new job and perform well. A CEO of a foreign based company recently talked about the requirement of the human resources. He said, "We don't want well shaped pots. Give us seasoned clay and we will make pots to suit our requirement. What you make may not be sufficient for us. There may be breakage when you shape corners in conformity with our need."

No job is less important, the same holds good for domestic work too. Give the work of a lady, say child care, to the man at home. We can bet that the man will flee the house soon.

When we perform any duty that is handed over to us, with full involvement and dedication, bonus will be showered on us in the form of vigour, skill, patience and victory.

There may be circumstances in which we will have to work as a team in family, organization and other functions. During such times, many prefer to do jobs that are in the limelight. This is due to the fact that if these jobs are done well, it can bring intense publicity and accolades. But blessed are those who do the background work. When there is absolute devotion to the agreed work – household, external or background, the fruits of labour accumulate during our lifetime and transcend across the generations to come.

Chapter 27

Let birds fly freely

"If we feel for the demise of the sun, we cannot enjoy the arrival of the stars", said Nobel laureate Rabindranath Tagore. If we desire to go one step higher, we have to necessarily leave the current spot we are on. This is Nature's law that enables us to understand the practicality of life.

Eagle nests built for laying and hatching eggs look peculiar. The base of it is woven with thorns, the next layer is made of coconut fibre and the top layer is spread with silk cotton. The Eagle lays eggs over that and brood and the young ones hatch out. The hatchlings start to live happily and comfortably.

One day, the mother Eagle will peck and throw out all the silk-cotton. Now the coconut fiber starts pinching the young birds. Unaware of what is happening, they look at their mother pathetically. As the next step, the mother eagle removes the coconut fibres. The birds begin to wonder whether their mother has gone insane. When the thorns begin to prick at them, they try to escape. Now, the mother spreads its wings and the young ones board the 'aerial vehicle' and the mother flies with the young ones. They look around, enjoy the outer world and shower their mother with compliments. What a lovely scene!

All of a sudden, the Eagle folds its wings and it is at that moment the small ones try to fly. When they struggle and almost hit the ground, the mother sweeps down under the young ones and with spread wings supports them. The eaglets stare in confusion without understanding the implication of what is happening. This process of struggling and supporting occurs continually. When they finally learn to fly, they soar into the vast sky as they like. The mother bird leaves her children for good and flies off.

This is what a mother should do whether her child is a male or female. After a certain age, the daughter has to move to another house and the son has to live with another woman and start his own family. Till then, it is the duty of every parent to nourish them and equip them well.

Dear Lady! Do not perform your duties in expectation of any returns from your children. Here is a saying by Prophet Khalil Gibran.

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you."

We should not rear them by repeatedly telling them to return the favour during old age. There are chances of this leading to create negative effect at times. We should also not let go of our duties to the girl child under the assumption that she will anyway be leaving to a different house. It is the mother's duty to ensure that the child is taught all good manners fully and patiently before the end of the childhood phase. Dear Lady! The accolades your child gets from others for the good behavior itself is an award for you.

No child is born of its own freewill. Parents are their creators. Only one out of a million cells gets the opportunity to come to life and survive. There are many couples who are not blessed with children even after rigorous penance. No matter how much the child is loved, lullabied, praised and caressed and taken care of by sacrificing your food and sleep, you cannot have the rights to curb his venture into life. To curtail growth,

Can we sever the peacock's feathers to stop it from dancing?

Can we break a bird's wings to stop it from flying?

Can we throttle a cuckoo's voice to stop it from singing?

Can we turn a man into Bonsai to stop him from growing?

To these questions, though we may mischievously say 'Yes', we are not going to do any of these. Because we are human. Let us allow young ones to grow and fly, but in the right direction.

By the age of 14, if we teach them how to differentiate between right and wrong, the meaning of relationship and friendship, the rightful duties, the value of grades in studies etc., they will return back to us no matter how far they travel. Don't the birds that migrate to Vendanthangal fly back home rather than stay put in the same place? This is applicable in the art of child rearing. Won't the children grow up to be exemplary individuals if they are taught the meaning of what love towards the country, home, language and society is with the right dosage of moral values and teachings? These days, as parents give more value to the grades the child secures, the children are losing out on good manners and respect to elders.

A caged bird cannot sing even a melancholic song. How to make it sing once it loses the skill?

In many families, the mother is found to be the cause for confusions, problems and fights between the married couples (Forgive me for writing this). Rather than getting her son married and micromanaging his family matters, is it not better to leave him unmarried? Is it not better to avoid problems than to struggle to wriggle out of created problems?

A mother bird will not keep under its wings and protect its young ones that are mature enough to fly. Likewise a mother should not interfere in her son's life after his marriage. Be wise enough to understand and adhere to this.

A hen was brooding on eggs of which one happened to be that of a hawk, because of some mistake that crept in. After days, the hatchling of the hawk came out. It wished to fly but the hen failed to teach it how to fly. Caught in the conflict between its inner urge to soar and its mother's affection, the young bird was sulking.

Today, many children are roaming around as their mother hen's hawks. There are many children with broken wings who are confined in a spot though they know how to fly. They neither fly as hawks nor peck as hens. How far will you succeed in keeping your child shielded under the tassel of your dress? The world is vast. Allow the hawks to fly in any direction they wish.

"Create it, nourish it, and mould it,

But don't try to own it; control it;

But never depend on it."

  * Lao Tzu, Chinese Philosopher

There are myriad households where mothers rule the roost and micromanage even minor matters. These may be the instigation for many couples opting for nuclear families. On deep analysis, the reason becomes quite clear. Alas! Woman becomes enemy to woman; mother-in-law becomes the enemy of the daughter-in-law. Dear ladies! Can we join hands to put a stop to this notion?
Chapter 28

And Finally.....

It is in the hands of the women to mould the place she lives in, into a shrine. Let the fulfilment of this be the aim of the women folk in the 21st century.

"A 100 men can collaborate to create a company. But only one woman can convert a family into a home", goes a Danish proverb, which we should also believe in.

Dear lady! In order to achieve your well-deliberated goal, can you show a little more agility than what you have? After opting for a blessed life, can you adopt a give and take policy, shed away your weaknesses, manifest your strength, glide over rough terrain and reach the destination only to collect nuggets of elixir? Can you lend your ears to wise advices in making decisions in complex situations, own up to responsibility to mistakes that creep in, use your discretionary power to differentiate virtues and vices, restrict selfishness and show limited greed?

Challenges are omnipresent in everyone's life. They vanish and resurface constantly and need to be handled as required. In this book, I put forth some simple tips that may work in your favour to lessen the stress. Sometimes, trouble mongers may deprive you of all your peace of mind. It is during these instances that we need to exhibit a logical yet unemotional approach to tackle the situation on hand. What is needed is the right intonation while speaking to get the point across. But "Right" does not necessarily mean soft and yielding tone. The verbiage can be subtle threats too, if you are confident of your stance and if you feel you are powerful enough.

Gods have always not resorted to kindness. When required, the same Gods have wielded the harsh weapons like the whip, mace, bow and arrow, etc. You will be justified if you can handle weapon of less gravity - words and gestures. Thiruvalluvar said,

"To punish wrong, with kindly benefits the doers ply;  
thus shame their souls; but pass the ill unheeded by"

Great souls can follow the above dictum but lesser mortals may not. There are rough skinned elements who will not be touched by your repeated magnanimity. If a simple punishment can replace numerous spanks, it is advisable to resort to that without delay as procrastination is a thief of time.

How does one deal with those spreading rumors? You will have to counter and prove that they are mere rumors. It will be very difficult to tackle and change the rumour-mongers. As far as possible, keep away from them. If you have built your life on a strong moral platform, you can remain with your posture erect, eyes bright and energy unwavering without having to wear your worries on your face. Be your own master and the world will follow you. Learn to lead and face any challenge with a smile. They say smiles are contagious. So SMILE, and the world will follow suit and smile with you.

Dear readers, directives are scattered over all the 28 chapters and you are familiar with them now. If the words 'directives' and 'advices', according to you, carry pejorative connotation, you can view them as suggestions. If these suggestions can make your home heaven, wouldn't it be worth the try?

