JOHN OLIVER: North Korea...
America's number one excuse
for putting off chores
this week.
"Y'know, I could do laundry,
but if the world's
about to erupt into nuclear war,
what really is the point?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
North Korea has clearly been
on everyone's minds this week,
and I think you know why.
President Trump and North Korea
escalate the war of words,
lobbing new threats
and sending new tweets.
North Korea now accusing the
president of the United States
of pushing the world to, quote,
"the brink of nuclear war."
Wow. When Twitter was
invented, I bet even they
didn't imagine that it would
one day lead us to the brink
-of nuclear Armageddon.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It's like if the invention
of the Furby had led
-to the Sudanese civil war.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Who knew that that's
where it was headed?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Now, tensions have sharply
escalated this week,
which is a little surprising,
given that the world
has been dealing
with North Korea's
provocative missile tests
for years now.
Just two weeks ago,
they were doing this.
CORRESPONDENT: North Korea fires
 yet another missile,
 but Pyongyang claims this one
 will be able to hit the
 U.S. mainland,
 striking cities like
 Los Angeles, Denver,
 Chicago, and possibly even
 New York and Boston.
Wait! New York?
I live in New York!
-This shit just got real!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
No, I think if anyone is--
if everyone is really honest,
your level of fear
over the North Korea situation
is in direct proportion
to whether or not
they can hit the exact place
where you live.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
We film this show
on 57th street.
If you told me that the blast
radius stops at 56th street,
I'd think, "Well, I hope nothing
happens,
but we've still got time
before things get serious."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Now, it is-- it is worth
properly understanding
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
what North Korea is
currently capable of,
because while their missiles
may be able to reach us
and they do have
nuclear warheads,
most experts believe that they
don't yet have the technology
to reliably hit
the U.S. mainland,
so that is reassuring.
Although, on the other hand
a recent Pentagon assessment did
suggest that they could cross
that threshold next year.
So, if a job interviewer asks
you, "Where do you see yourself
in five years' time?"
It is now perfectly acceptable
just to scream in terror
-into their face.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Look, this is clearly a very
serious situation,
requiring a deft hand.
And, sadly,
that's not what it got.
North Korea best not
make any more threats
to the United states.
They will be met
with fire and fury,
like the world has never seen.
"Fire and fury." The only way
that that is not terrifying
is if you report it the way one
newspaper actually did in Maine
saying, "Trump warns
of fire and furry."
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
In which case, Trump was
threatening to send this
to North Korea, which is a very
different kind of threat.
Now-- now, in response,
North Korea announced plans
to fire missiles that would land
just off the coast of the U.S.
territory of Guam,
which is frightening,
although not unprecedented.
They have made similar
threats before.
But what is different this time,
obviously, is that we now have
a president who has the general
temperament of a wet cat.
And, in response
to that Guam threat,
Trump promptly doubled down.
Frankly, uh, the people
that were questioning
that statement,
"Was it too tough?"
Maybe it wasn't tough enough.
If anything, that statement
may not be tough enough.
Well, you'll see, you'll see.
"Yeah, we're gonna go
with that bomb more destructive
than the nuclear bomb.
Why? I don't know!
Who cares that it doesn't exist?
Sincerely yours, Donald Trump.
I'm not writing a letter.
I'm talking. Says you!
Fake news. Goodbye!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS)
So, tonight,
we thought we would ask,
"What, exactly,
is North Korea thinking?
How did we get into this mess?
And what can we possibly
do about it?"
And let's start by trying
to understand just a little bit
more about North Korea.
And that in itself is difficult.
It's one of the most isolated
and insular nations on earth.
If you know anything about it
at all, it's probably just that
they have a wacky totalitarian
leader who loves
military parades
and Dennis Rodman,
and who really didn't like that
Seth Rogen movie
about his assassination.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-And it can be hard
to trust any information
about North Korea,
because lots of it is
inaccurate for multiple reasons.
First, there's the outright
state propaganda,
which glorifies North Korea's
leaders, the Kim family.
Just last year, we showed you
western journalists being taken
on a tour
of a historic target range,
where they learned something
suspiciously impressive
about Kim Jong-Un's father.
Comrade Kim Jong-il shot three
bullets and three of them
got bulls-eye.
-They all got bulls-eye?
-Mm-hmm.
-And how old was he at the time?
-He was 7-year-old.
A 7-year-old's got
-three bulls-eyes?
-Mm-hmm. yeah.
-That's pretty impressive.
-(LAUGHS) Mm-hmm.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I mean, that-- that is
the "mm-hmm"
of someone who really wants
to shut down a conversation.
She sounds like a parent
fielding questions
about where babies come from.
-"So, a stork brings the baby?"
-"Mm-hmm."
"It carries an eight-pound baby
through the air in its mouth?"
"Mm-hmm."
-"Isn't that dangerous?"
-"Mm-hmm."
"Where does the stork get
the babies?"
"Storks fuck! They fuck each
other! Storks fuck each other,
and the baby comes
out of the stork's vagina!
Don't ask for the truth
if you can't handle it!"
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
But, here's the thing.
Inaccuracies like that are
easy to spot.
What is trickier is that a lot
of eye-catching western
reporting about North Korea
can be shakily sourced,
like this one.
JOY-ANN REID: The BBC reports
 all of the men in the
 hermit kingdom
must now sport the same haircut
as the dear leader, Kim Jong-un.
 His look was known as
 the Chinese smuggler haircut
not too long ago in the region,
 but now it will be known as
"The haircut every man
in North Korea must have."
Lucky them.
Here's the thing...
There is no solid evidence
that that story is true.
But it is seductive because it
sounds like it could be.
It's like if you saw
the headline
"Trump to NATO:
I invented Squirrels."
You'd believe it because it
sounds like something
he would've claimed, even though
as of this taping, he has not.
And, while it may not be true
that all men had to get
the same haircut as Kim Jong-un,
state TV did run a series
called "Let Us Trim
Our Hair in Accordance
with the Socialist Lifestyle."
And it's weird when a verifiable
truth is almost as strange
as a wild rumor.
It's like how the "Richard Gere
Put a Gerbil in His Ass" story
is completely false,
but what if the truth
was that he engaged in
consensual mutual anal play
with a chinchilla?
That would still be bizarre.
You wouldn't have
to exaggerate that.
And sometimes, the truth
about life in North Korea
can be just as striking
as the urban legends.
For instance, you may have seen
claims online that every teacher
in North Korea is obligated
to play the accordion.
We could not confirm that.
Although, in trying to, we did
discover that North Korea
does love the accordion
to a surprising extent.
The country is full of them.
Here is an accordion factory.
Here's some schoolchildren
playing the accordion.
Here's Kim Jong-un
looking at an accordion.
Here is an air combat exercise
where the camera pans
 across pilots, and guess what?
-Yep. It's a fucking accordion.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
They also have a very
popular song called
"Nothing to Envy in the World"
that begins with the line
"The sky is blue,
my heart is merry,
let the sound
of accordions ring."
And then there is this video
of North Koreans playing
the last song that
you would expect.
♪ (ACCORDIONS PLAYING
"TAKE ON ME" BY A-HA ) ♪
-Yes.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
That is North Korean
accordionists playing
"Take on Me."
So beat that, everyone else
who plays the accordion!
By which I mean exactly
two old French men
and one "Weird Al" Yankovic.
And if you think that that is
the most amazing piece
of North Korean Pop culture
that you're gonna see tonight,
you are wrong.
Because let me introduce
you to Pulgasari,
a 1985 movie known as the
"North Korean Godzilla."
The whole thing is incredible,
but this is undoubtedly
my favorite part.
(DEVILISHLY LAUGHING)
(GROWLING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You know why I love that?
It's relatable.
No matter where you're
from or what your religious
or political beliefs are,
at some point, everybody
has been about to decapitate
someone and then out of nowhere
a baby monster jumps up
and takes a bite
out of your sword.
-It works because it resonates.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And look, look,
we're all having fun.
We're laughing
about North Korea!
And it can be very funny,
but the very fact
that that is true
can be extremely frustrating
to journalists who cover it.
BARBARA DEMICK: It's always,
 you know, an exaggeration,
 and a parody, and you know,
 kind of a freak show.
Which, I think, those of us who
cover North Korea
find a little bit distressing,
because it's not actually
very funny to the 24 million
people who live there.
She's right.
She's absolutely right.
And even when North Korea is
objectively funny,
like with Pulgasari,
it has dark undertones.
Because Kim Jong-il got that
movie made by abducting
two of south Korea's biggest
names in film,
and forcing them to make movies
for him, for years.
And you know what?
They did eventually escape,
so I'm gonna go ahead
and say, and I know
this is not gonna be a
popular opinion,
but, if that's what it took
to give us that baby
monster scene,
it was fucking worth it.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Just my opinion!
Just my opinion.
But the underlying truth
of North Korea is that
it is a dark place, not just
figuratively, but literally.
You can get a sense of how
little development there--
has been there when you
look at it from space.
See that void where there
is almost no lights?
That's North Korea.
It looks like a divorced dad's
Christmas tree,
where he gave up halfway through
hanging the lights,
got drunk and fell asleep
watching Ken Burns' Baseball.
And the Kim family is known
for their bone-chilling cruelty
and mismanagement.
They were largely
responsible for the deaths
of somewhere between
600,000 and 2.5 million people
during a famine in the 1990s.
And we know that there are
large, brutal camps
where political dissidents
are imprisoned, sometimes
alongside their
extended families.
REPORTER: Satellite images
 show their scale,
 but for a picture of what
 they're really like,
 we can only rely on those
 who've been there.
(MAN SPEAKING KOREAN)
REPORTER: These sketches are
 the recollections of other
 prisoners who've managed
 to escape the camps.
That is truly horrific.
But the existence,
the continued existence
of those camps
brings us to a really important
point to understand.
Kim Jong-un is terrified
of losing power.
And while we love to present him
as a madman, many experts
believe that his actions are
motivated by rational
self-preservation.
He has seen leaders like Saddam
Hussein and Muammar Gadhafi
scale back their nuclear
programs, only to be overthrown,
either by the U.S.,
or by their own people,
and die gruesome deaths.
And it's true that dictators
generally don't
end their careers like disgraced
American politicians,
with a stint on
 Dancing with the Stars,
although, that would've been
an incredible season.
Saddam, that foxtrot
was a weapon of mass seduction.
And, Muammar...
You worked hard and it showed.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, Kim Jong-un has continued
his family's military-first
policy, spending huge amounts
of money on what is the fourth
largest military on Earth
and an expensive
nuclear program
in an impoverished country whose
economy has been estimated
to be smaller than that
of Birmingham, Alabama.
And Birmingham is
a small economy.
Their most notable export
is American Idol season five
winner, Taylor Hicks.
Not that I'm saying that's
a bad thing.
Soul patrol forever!
Soul patrol 'till I fucking die!
So, how can Kim Jong-un
justify that spending?
Well, he argues that the huge
military is the only thing
staving off imminent invasion
from a host of outsiders
and that is where we come in.
Because the most dominant
and useful villain
in North Korea's narrative
is the United States.
And it is not like that comes
out of nowhere.
We sided with the south
during the Korean War.
And while many Americans
may have forgotten just
how devastating that war was,
the North Koreans
certainly haven't.
They have
an entire museum devoted
to American war atrocities.
And I'm not saying there were
none, but I don't think any were
quite as over-the-top as this.
(SPEAKING KOREAN)
REPORTER: In the last liberation
 war, during our strategic
 retreat, the American hyenas
 occupied the land of Sinchon.
 They arrested Min Youngshik
 and stabbed her muscles with a
 three-pronged spear
 and sucked her flowing blood.
 They also took the flesh from
 her thighs using a bayonet,
 dipped it in salt, and ate it.
And, in case you were
wondering, yes, you can buy
coasters depicting that scene
in the museum gift shop,
but they are 16 dollars,
which is the real
war crime there!
And the North Koreans'
indoctrination
in anti-Americanism starts
extremely young,
as one defector remembers.
-Holy shit!
-(AUDIENCE GASPS)
It is fascinating when
a country's culture seeps
even into their math lessons,
although,
it's not really surprising.
As a British child,
our math questions were,
"If Johnny has two artifacts
and Dinesh has two artifacts,
then how many artifacts
is Johnny about to have?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-The answer, of course,
"All the artifacts."
Dinesh's family can come visit
them in the British museum
whenever they're in town.
And the notion that North Korea
is working on a bomb that can,
"Kill all the
American bastards,"
is a tremendous source
of national pride,
there have been stamps depicting
missiles hurtling towards
the U.S. Capitol,
and a few years ago,
they produced a video depicting
the destruction of New York,
set to the least appropriate
song imaginable.
(♪ WE ARE THE WORLD ♪
INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)
Yes, you heard right.
That was a karaoke version
of "We are the World",
set to New York in flames.
And the last time I saw
a karaoke song
with background imagery
that inappropriate was
every time I have ever
sung karaoke.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I don't know what L.L. Cool J's
 "Doin' it" has to do with
these two babies in a field of
sunflowers,
but it's making everybody
uncomfortable.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, the North Korean regime has
been very careful about
presenting a threatening image
of Americans to its people.
And some activists have actually
been trying to undermine that
by sneaking information into the
country on USB drives.
(SPEAKING IN KOREAN)
INTERPRETER: We send
 various content
 from stories on human rights,
 general information on
South Korea, to images depicting
 the average American.
KARLA MURTHY:
For a fictional version
 of the average American,
 TV shows like The Mentalist,
 and Desperate Housewives,
 Kang says, scenes like
 this one from NCIS...
Anything you say can and will
be used against you
in a court of law.
MURTHY: ...That show police
 officers reading suspects
 their rights,
 are especially useful.
You know what? If nothing else,
we finally have our answer
to the decade-long question,
"Who the fuck
is watching NCIS?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It turns out,
it's all your mom's friends
and the people of North Korea.
And if you think about it,
that is very dangerous
for Kim Jong-un,
because if people get a sense
that the image of America
that he has carefully painted
for them is false,
he could have huge problems.
And, when you understand
him in that light,
as a dictator desperately
hedging against a loss of power,
it is possible to understand why
all his recent threats
against the United States,
have been reckless,
but in his mind, also rational.
And that brings us to
the key question here,
what are we going to do
about this?
Because on the campaign trail,
Donald Trump
made it all seem very simple.
They said, "Would you speak
to the leader of North Korea?"
I said, "Absolutely. Why not?
Why not?"
And they come out, "Trump would
speak to him!"
Who the hell cares?
I'll speak to anybody.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING FOR TRUMP)
-Who knows?
There's a ten percent
or a 20 percent chance
that I can talk him out
of those damn nukes,
'cause who the hell wants him
to have nukes?
And there's a chance!
-No! No! There really isn't.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Partly because, remember,
Kim Jong-un believes they are
critical for his survival,
and on top of that,
Donald Trump is a shitty
negotiator.
In his short presidency,
he has failed to get Mexico
to pay for his stupid wall,
he's failed to get
a Congress his party controls
to pass a health care bill,
and even when his administration
does get something done,
it way oversells it,
like when the White House
announced a trade deal with
China as,
"Very Big News," "Gigantic," and
"Herculean,"
and one much-celebrated
component turned out to be
lifting a ban on beef imports
that China had preliminarily
agreed to last September.
So way to fucking go there,
Donald!
What a very big, herculean deal!
Thanks to you, except,
not entirely thanks to you,
America is now marginally
more able to export beef again!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And since taking office,
Trump has voiced support
for an even simpler solution.
China... is helping us
possibly or probably,
with the North Korean situation.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
-Okay? Which is a great thing.
Great thing.
So, in the space of 14
seconds there,
he said the word "great" twice,
he pronounced "China"
with three syllables,
suggested someone else should
do the work for him,
and then, threw in a
"possibly or probably,"
rendering the whole
thing meaningless.
I think I may have just hit
Trump bingo,
and the prize that I want
is to go drown in a river.
(CROWD LAUGHS)
But Trump's idea there
of convincing China
to exert influence
on North Korea,
is not inherently crazy.
China shares an 800-mile border
with North Korea
and accounts for
as much as 90 percent
of North Korea's total trade,
so they do have
significant leverage.
But, some are skeptical about
just what China could,
or is willing to do.
Take sanctions. The U.N.
have tried multiple rounds
of increasingly-harsh sanctions,
but North Korea has always found
easy ways around them.
(SPEAKING KOREAN)
INTERPRETER: North Korea is a
 100% state enterprise,
 so these companies change
 their names the next day
if they're listed for sanctions.
 That way the company stays,
 but with different names
 whenever there are sanctions.
 If I'm included in the list,
 my name can be changed, too.
Yeah, and that is some
pretty weak enforcement.
Think about it this way,
let's say HBO decided
they wanted to cancel this show,
their hand would be pretty weak
if I was able to get around that
simply by changing the name to
 "Earlier Times but Now
Starring Spance Mörgendörffer."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS)
And it is true that China
could increase
enforcement of its sanctions,
but they are understandably
worried about
where that could lead.
What they worry about is,
if they do that,
will the regime collapse?
What does that mean?
Millions of refugees
pouring into China, uh,
possibly a unified Korea,
that is then a
Pro-American country
sitting on their southern border
where, don't forget,
there are 30,000 American
troops in South Korea,
which would then be
on China's border,
and by the way,
15 nuclear weapons.
You know that there are a lot
of problems when you end up
saying, "Oh, and by the way,
15 nuclear weapons."
Imagine you were a babysitter
and you heard,
"Okay, you've got his EpiPen,
you know about his nut allergy,
he needs his inhaler every hour,
oh, and by the way,
he has 15 nuclear weapons."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Now Trump has also been
mentioning military solutions,
but even targeted strikes
against weapons systems
could get out of hand very fast.
North Korea would likely
retaliate and they have
an estimated 8,000 pieces
of heavy artillery stationed
just north of the DMZ,
which is here.
And that artillery is capable
of reaching Seoul,
which is just 40 miles away,
and is an area
with 25 million people.
So, even a non-nuclear war could
have horrific results.
And, let's just engage
in some truly magical thinking.
What if you could somehow
just take out Kim Jong-un?
Well, you've probably got
an immediate humanitarian crisis
on your hands,
as well as a leaderless country
with a power vacuum
and nuclear weapons.
And, as we've learned from Iraq
and Afghanistan,
when regimes fall
and there's no plan in place,
that vacuum can be filled
with terrible things.
We do not want to find out what
North Korea's ISIS would be.
Even just the phrase,
"North Korea's ISIS"
is absolutely terrifying.
It's like saying,
"9/11's Bill Cosby."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-What would that even be? I hope
we never have to find out.
So, sanctions are no guarantee
and military action could be
catastrophic and diplomacy is
going to be extremely difficult,
given that you usually need to
have a specific goal in mind,
and Trump seems to be making
all of this up as he goes along.
We are learning
stunning new details about
President Trump's extraordinary
"fire and fury" threat tonight,
multiple sources telling CNN
the president ad-libbed
those words, they were
improvised, on the fly.
For fuck's sake!
That is just not a good idea.
As I'm sure someone
has had to say to Wayne Brady
at a funeral more than once,
"Now is not a good time
to improvise."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Here's a one-word suggestion,
Wayne,
"Mourn, mourn like a person.
And look, the thing is
that's not a surprise!
Deep down, we all assumed that
he was winging it.
We have become accustomed
to discounting
a large percentage
of what comes out of his face.
But North Korea is listening
to what he says.
And the people there
have been primed for decades
to believe that America
is on the brink of an invasion.
Just look at their
government's response
to his "fire and fury" line.
(SPEAKING IN KOREAN)
INTERPRETER:
The American Commander-in-Chief
remains stuck at a golf course,
 oblivious to what is happening
and talking about such nonsense
 as 'fire and fury'.
 Since it is impossible to have
 talks with people who are
 incapable of rational thought,
 the strategic armed forces has
 judged that we must respond
 with absolute force.
Hey! hey, hey!
Okay, just to be clear,
the president is not stuck
at a golf course.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Unless the cart ran out of gas
and he has to walk,
in which case, yes,
the president is very much
stuck at the golf course and
may need to be airlifted out.
So, here is where we are,
we have two
nuclear-armed leaders,
who are accustomed to issuing
empty threats to impress their
own people and they are now
currently goading each other
towards Armageddon.
Which is absolutely terrifying.
And I don't really have a
solution to this.
But, part of me would love
the chance, just the chance,
to speak directly to
the North Korean people.
So, on the off chance that
this show is smuggled
over their border on a USB drive
crammed with NCIS episodes,
I would just like to say this,
-Hi, North Korea.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You may be hearing some
frightening rhetoric
from our president,
but if it helps at all,
when our president says words,
he doesn't necessarily mean
what those words mean.
It's very difficult
to describe to you,
we're still trying to wrap
our heads around it ourselves.
Really, it's our problem,
except it is now kind of
your problem, too.
But I want to talk to you about
some misconceptions because
we certainly have misconceptions
about you, uh,
but you should know,
ideally,
that we are not remotely what
your state propaganda implies,
either.
We honestly do not spend our
days plotting your destruction.
We spend them sharing cat memes
and spinning fidgii,
and getting furiously angry
about a singing boy
barely appearing
in our favorite dragon show.
So, for what it's worth,
I would like to give you,
the North Korean people,
a sense of how America
is feeling right now,
in a way that you might
understand and enjoy.
And, that is through
the international language
of the accordion.
And I have some good news
and some bad news, there.
The bad news is,
I do not play the accordion.
The good news is,
I know someone who plays it
like a fucking angel.
Ladies and gentlemen,
and the people of North Korea,
please welcome,
Mr. "Weird Al" Yankovic!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
 ♪ Would you annihilate us
 If you had the chance? ♪
 ♪ That's such an
 Anti-social thing to do ♪
 ♪ You've got us crapping
 Our collective pants ♪
♪ May I suggest you take it down
 A notch or two ♪
 ♪ We're not exactly sure
 Why you're upset ♪
 ♪ Did that Seth Rogen movie
 Make you super mad? ♪
 ♪ You'd like us if you got to
 Know us I bet ♪
 ♪ We're mostly harmless,
 Decent people ♪
 ♪ Hey, we're really not so bad
 My point is ♪
 ♪ Please don't nuke us,
 North Korea! ♪
 ♪ Right now,
 We're all a little tense ♪
 ♪ Believe me,
 We don't hate you ♪
 ♪ Frankly, we don't even think
 That much about you ♪
 ♪ No offense! ♪
 ♪ Now you might call 'em
 "Blood-thirsty dogs" ♪
 ♪ But that metaphor's
 Not very apt ♪
 ♪ We're just a bunch of simple
 Fidget spinnin' goofy dorks ♪
 ♪ Who probably couldn't find
 Your country on a map ♪
 ♪ No, we're not savages
 Or cannibals ♪
 ♪ Well, maybe just a really,
 Really, really small percent ♪
♪ So, I think it would be best ♪
 ♪ If you'd knock off
 Those missile tests ♪
 ♪ Don't turn us into cinder
 While we're swipin' ♪
 ♪ Right on Tinder ♪
♪ Don't jump-start Armageddon or
Our beds we'll soon be wettin' ♪
 ♪ Won't you think this through
 For a moment please ♪
 ♪ Now why would you bomb our
 Nice celebrities? ♪
♪ Oh, why in the world would you
 Kill Tom Hanks? ♪
 ♪ 'Cause nobody doesn't like
 Tom Hanks! ♪
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
 ♪ So, please don't nuke us
 North Korea! ♪
 ♪ That would seriously ruin
 Our day, remember... ♪
 ♪ We're not evil
 Psychotic monsters ♪
 ♪ No matter what the news
 May say ♪
 ♪ We're just those goofballs ♪
 ♪ From the U.S.A! ♪
 ♪ Please don't nuke us
 Please don't nuke us ♪
 -♪ Hey! ♪
-(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
"Weird Al" Yankovic,
ladies and gentlemen!
