(Billy Crystal) Thank you so much.  No, stay standing. Well,
does this mean I have to retire now?
Usually when someone is given an evening
like this, they're way too dead to say
thank you.
So thank you. Over the past nine years
I've sat at home and watched this show
and its parade of comedy legends and I, I
said, as any comedian would say when he
would watch this show, why him?
But now that I'm him, and looking at all
these old clips, I remember something
that my grandfather once said to me.  He
said to me, if you hang around the store
long enough, sooner or later, they'll give
you something.
You know I think about Mark Twain,
whenever I think about Mark Twain, one
thing comes to mind: Cliff Notes.
[Applause]
But after I got the call that I'd won
this award and all those other great
people on stage didn't, I thought it only
right to become a little more familiar
with this great man's work. I read
everything and do you know something.  He
was okay. I don't think I'd name an award
after him, but he was okay and I also
thought it would be perfectly fitting to
do some of this acceptance speech in the
spirit of the great Mark Twain. (Music) I should
tell you to further capture his spirit, I
whittled this chair.
I also whittled this pipe and the
harmonica and the first three rows of
the balcony.  It was a very, it was a
very full day. For you sir, I was born in
New York City, grew up near the seaside
in a sleepy town of Long Beach, New York
to two very devoted Hebrew parents who
settled there because they always
dreamed of someday having a very tiny
lawn.
[Applause]
I was the last of three strong sons who
grew to love the roar of laughter from
the family elders as I performed for them,
when they would gather in grandma Susie's
house to partake of kosher parts of cows
and chickens that had everybody filling
up with gas so big it looked like
Sebastian Cabot on a hot day. The family,
who spoke mostly Yiddish, which is a
combination of German and phlegm,
had a history of actors in the family.  My
grandfather, a man named Julius Crystal, was
an actor in the Yiddish theater.
He lived in Grand Rapids, Michigan at the
time and he had translated King Lear
into Yiddish, and he was touring the
country side for audiences that wanted to
see Shakespeare performed in Yiddish.
Four days later the family moved to
Brooklyn.
My dad was in the music business
producing jazz concerts and sometimes
the great jazz players from New Orleans
and Kansas City and Chicago as well as
the giants of Harlem would frequent our
modest little home.  The house always
smelled of brisket and bourbon, and after
smoking cigarettes with no writing on
them,
they were often wale into the night with
spontaneous outbursts to the music that
still fills my soul.  Though all the
greats have called me face, forever  will
I thank you.  Can you dig that?  I knew that
you could. We also gathered around a TV
set for the Golden Age of comedy.  My
parents would let us stay up late on
school nights to watch the giants -- Sid
Caesar, Red Skelton, Burns and Allen, Ernie
Kovacs, Phil Silvers, Jack Paar, Jonathan
Winters.  But of all the great comic
influences, Mr. Bill Cosby was the one
I'm most related to.  I would listen to
those records, and all those records he
was like talking about me.
He had brothers, I had brothers.  He played
football at Temple, I belong to a temple.
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
And now so many years later, here I am
tonight still in front of a big crowd
where I feel as warm as an apple pie in
the windowsill of grandma Susie's
kitchen. Well, most of those first
audiences are gone now, but the echoes
are there.  Their laughter will be in my brain
forever and ever. I thank them for
listening, they were very captive
audience.  They had to be - my mom had
stolen their car keys.  So my brother's
here tonight.  For being so damn funny, I
thank you.  For my parents, for the gift of
laughter and love, and the way they
looked at us when we made them laugh, I
thank you.  To all the great friends
I have, some since junior high school, are
in the audience tonight, and those who
came on stage who were so funny, and who
gave us the joy and their presence.  Words
can't describe how I feel about all of
them.  For John Lasseter and my friends at
Pixar and put together a wonderful clip
from Monsters Inc and that new voice
from a kid named Walter Cronkite, I thank you.
To the Kaminsky brothers, Bob and Peter,
and Mark Krantz and Cappy McGarr for
producing this lovely evening.  To my
audiences throughout the country and my
friends down in Australia, your laughter
and tears and cold hard cash
are the reasons I keep walking out there.
 
0:06:09.699,0:06:14.499
To our managers for over 30 years, and
all the others who have represented me,
you have all been way overpaid and the
guilt you feel is more than justified.
[Applause]
But seriously - Larry Breslin, David
Steinberg, Buddy Maura, Jack Rollins and
Charlie Jaffe, I love all of you and the
pride you're feeling at this very moment
is also more than justified.  To my girls
Jenni and Lindsay, being your dad has
been the most wonderful experience in
the world and making you laugh had
always been the ultimate, until these two
little granddaughters came along, so now
I try to make them giggle and laugh and
then hand them back, so mom and I could
go to an early movie. Your mates are fine
young men, and as time goes by, it's very
comforting to me to know so there'll be
two strong fellows who will wheel up me into
Yankee Stadium and lift me up so I can
go to the men's room.
But finally to my Janice and all the
universe with all of its creatures,
somehow we found each other and we said
we don't have to look anymore. I was 18,
you were 17, we're still here.  And our
marriage...
[Applause]
and sweetheart our marriage is like Mark
Twain's big Mississippi.  You with your
steady flow of understanding and
compassion, me with my big mouth and
sandy bottom.
[Applause]
You know it's a very ironic thing that
tonight, this very night, 32 years ago to
this night, in 1975 I was due to be a
guest on a new show called Saturday
Night Live.  It was to be my television
debut on a show that I knew would
change comedy forever. Well it wasn't
meant to be, I ended up getting bumped
from that very, very first show. I was
devastated. I went home thinking my
career is over.  So here we are, 32 years
to the very night, I thank you all for
reminding me that it wasn't.  Thank you
all.  Thank you so much.
[Applause]
