THIS CROWD
SOUNDS LIKE THEY HAVE BEEN
HITTING THE PICKLES AND VODKA
OUT THERE.
WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW,
EVERYBODY, I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN
COLBERT.
NOW IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW-- IF
YOU WATCHED THE SHOW LAST NIGHT
I'M GOING TO SAY ALL OF YOU DID.
YOU REMEMBER YOU REMEMBER LAST
NIGHT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW
AFTER SEVEN YEARS OF PROMISING
OVER AND OVER AGAIN TO REPEAL
AND REPLACE OBAMACARE THE BILL
DIED OF TERMINAL, THEY LIED TO
EVERYONE WHO VOTED FOR THEM.
NOT--
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THEY DID.
THEY LIED.
NOW NOT THAT BIG OF A SURPRISE
THAT IT DIDN'T PASS.
THE BILL IS LESS POPULAR THAN
THE CEREAL PARTS OF LUCKY
CHARMS.
OR AS I CALL THEM,
DISAPPOINTMENT BETWEEN
MARSHMALLOWS.
BUT TRUMP WON'T TAKE PLEASE,
DON'T DO THIS, IT WILL COST US
THE MID TERMS FOR AN ANSWER.
THIS MORNING TRUMP TWEETED, I
WILL BE HAVING LUNCH AT THE
WHITE HOUSE TODAY WITH
REPUBLICAN SENATORS CONCERNING
HEALTH CARE.
THEY MUST KEEP THEIR PROMISE TO
AMERICA.
WELL, OBVIOUSLY AT LUNCH--
(APPLAUSE)
YOU CAN DO THIS-- LUNCH IS WHERE
THE DEAL IS MADE.
THAT'S THE ART OF THE DEAL.
OKAY, SENATOR COLINS, I WILL
TRADE YOU YOUR HEALTH CARE VOTE
FOR MY JUICE BOX AND A PUDIN
PACK.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
NOW THE PRESIDENT KICKED OFF THE
EVENT WITH SOME LIGHT-HEARTED
BULLYING OF ONE OF THE SENATORS
OPPOSED TO THE BILL, NEVADA DEAN
HELLER.
>> THE OTHER NIGHT I WAS VERY
SURPRISED WHEN I HEARD A COUPLE
OF MY FRIENDS, MY FRIENDS, THEY
REALLY WERE, AND ARE, THEY MIGHT
NOT BE VERY MUCH LONGER.
BUT I THINK HAVE I TO GET THEM
BACK.
THAT'S RIGHT-- WELL, NO, YOU
DIDN'T GO OUT THERE.
THIS WAS THE ONE WE WERE WORRIED
ABOUT.
BUT YOU'RE GOING TO BE, YOU'RE
GOING TO BE.
HE WANTS TO REMAIN A SENATOR,
DOESN'T HE?
>> Stephen: HA HA, HO-HO, OH,
NOT SURE IF HE DOES ANY MORE.
CUZ IF YOU ARE TRYING TO REMAIN
A SENATOR, YOUR FIRST CHOICE
REALLY SHOULDN'T BE PHOTOGRAPHED
HAVING DINNER WITH DONALD TRUMP.
AND TRUMP MADE IT CLEAR THAT IT
IS NOT HIS FAULT.
IT IS NOT HIS FAULT!
THAT THIS BILL DID NOT PASS.
>> I'VE BEEN HERE JUST SIX
MONTHS.
I'M READY TO ACT.
I HAVE PEN IN HAND, BELIEVE ME.
I'M SITTING IN THAT OFFICE.
I HAVE PEN IN HAND.
>> Stephen: SIR, I HAVE NO
PROBLEM BELIEVING YOU'RE JUST
SITTING IN THE OVAL OFFICE WITH
LET'S SAY PEN IN HAND.
AND--
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
PEN IN HAND.
AND I GOT TO SAY.
IF YOU CAN'T EVEN BET THIS DONE,
PRETTY SOON YOUR PEN WILL BE
SWINGING IN THE WIND.
AND TRUMP WENT AFTER THE SENATE
MINORITY LEADER CHUCK SCHUMER
FOR OBSTRUCTING THE BILL.
>> YOU KNOW, YOU LISTEN TO
SCHUMER AND BEFORE HE EVEN KNEW
WHAT THE PLAN SAID SHALL, HE WAS
SAYING DEATH, EVERYONE'S GOING
TO DIE, DEATH, DEATH, DEATH.
>> Stephen: NOW, TO BE FAIR,
HE WAS ACTUALLY QUOTING CHUCK
SCHUMER'S HARD-CORE MET AT BAND
MALL IG NANT SCHUMER-- MALL IG
DID -- MALL IG NENT SCHUMER.
(APPLAUSE)
SO NOBODY KNOWS IF THIS LEAN ON
THEM AT LUNCHTIME IS GOING TO
WORK.
BUT THE PRESIDENT IS HOPING IT
LIVES UP TO ITS EARLIER TWEET,
THE REPUBLICANS NEVER DISCUSS
HOW GOOD THEIR HEALTH-CARE BILL
IS.
AND IT WILL GET EVEN BETTER AT
LUNCHTIME.
THE DEMS SCREAM DEATH AS O-CARE
DIES.
OH MY GOD, THAT LAST PART IS
ALMOST POETIC.
THE DEMS SCREAM DEATH AS O-CARE
DIES.
IT'S ACTUALLY IAMBIC.
NO, ITS TRUE WHAT THEY SAY, IF
YOU LEAVE A MAN WAY BRAIN OF A
HUNDRED MONKEYS IN FRONT OF A
KEYBOARD LONG ENOUGH, EVENTUALLY
HE WILL WRITE SHAKESPEARE.
(APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THE DEMS SCREAM DEATH AS O-CARE
DIES.
ALAS, POOR YORK, HE WAS COVERED
BY TRUMPCARE.
(APPLAUSE)
GOT THORNS ON THEM.
