Zachary and Broden
You have trespassed into the home of Nesdar, the Black spider!
for this act of treachery
you will receive
CANCER!
Sorry, what?
Aah, cancer! Ooh, oogie boogie cancer!
Cancer!
You get cancer, Zach.
Can you get cancer in Dungeons & Dragons?
I believe so! So, because of your +3 survival modifier,
you have to roll above a 10 so that the cancer doesn't spread.
Ah, I've got a 12!
Unless you roll a 12 which gives you more cancer.
Fuck
I knew we shouldn't ventured into the forest of cancer.
It's your turn, Broden!
All right. I rolled a....
Oh, you got cancer.
You got cancer!
Fine! I'd like to travel to a different part of the map, please!
Oh, okay great. So from where you are
it'll take two days to travel to cancer town, three days to travel to lake cancer or cancer city
Oh my god
or
five minutes to travel to the mystical castle. (gasp) The mystical castle!
Oh! What's the mystical castle?
It's full of cancer.
Jesus
All right, I'll go to cancer town.
Okay great. So you venture into cancer town...
-yeah?
-... and you contract an STI.
Jesus Christ, Mark!
It's gonorrhoea, so there's a lot of discharge
Fine, I'll use my magic penicillin.
All right, great. Take a roll.
20!
20! Fuck you! 20! not even gonorrhoea can beat 20! fuck you 20 beard man!
All right, fair enough. A 20 absolutely cures you of gonorrhoea
but infects you with every single kind of cancer. And gonorrhoea. You also have gonorrhoea now.
Mark, I gotta be honest with you
I don't like it when you're dungeon master
Because we often get cancer.
Can we play raging dragons or tyranny and demons or try and make out with my stepsister?
You're the ones who said you wanted a scary adventure!
We were thinking more along the lines of owl-bears.
Owl-bears!
Owl-bears!
What's the matter-you?
Owl-bears!
Owl-bears, he's talking Owl-bears!
I love big owl-bears! You know why, Mark?
-No
Well because I love owls,
that's my first favorite animal and my second favorite animal is lions. 
-Yeah
My third favorite animal is owl-bears.
That's why I love them!
-Likes owl-bears
They're real.
And they're scary too.
Do you know what's scarier than a big owl-bear?
What? No?
Big cancer.
Jesus Christ, Mark.
Mark, you know all this cancer stuff is pretty disrespectful.
Disrespectful?
Yeah, and it's also insensitive.
I'll tell you what would be disrespectful and insensitive: not talking about cancer!
It's a real disease, boys! A real disease that affects real people every day. Every single day!
Sure, I may just be a humble dungeon master
but maybe a taste of some real world horror will elicit some real world thinking in you two boys.
Alright, he's right
I'm sorry Mark beard man.
Hey, man, let's just.. let's play the cancer quest.
That's all right boys. And you know what?
Just because we had that little chat you get five inspiration points each!
- Yes!
- Ah shit that's sick!
Unfortunately, they give you Parkinson's.
- Ah, come on!
-Ah come on!
- Ohhhh!!!
♪(upbeat game music)♪
