

#

# All about you

# (Love &Hate series #1)

# by

# Joanna Mazurkiewicz

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Copyright

Copyright © 2014 by Joanna Mazurkiewicz

First published in Great Britain in 2014 by Joanna Mazurkiewicz. The right of Joanna Mazurkiewicz to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act of 1988.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are product of the author's imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the author/publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review to be printed in a newspaper, magazine, journal or blog.

Table of content

Chapter one

Chapter two

Chapter three

Chapter four

Chapter five

Chapter six

Chapter seven

Chapter eight

Chapter nine

Chapter ten

Chapter eleven

Chapter twelve

Chapter thirteen

Chapter fourteen

Chapter fifteen

Chapter sixteen

Chapter seventeen

Chapter eighteen

Chapter nineteen

Chapter twenty

Chapter twenty-one

Chapter twenty-two

Chapter twenty-three

Chapter twenty-four

Chapter twenty-five

Chapter twenty-six

Chapter twenty-seven

Chapter twenty-eight

Chapter twenty-nine

# Chapter one

#

# Him

## Present

"We are here," yells my friend Dora, slamming unexpectedly on the brake pedal. The baggage on the top of the backseat falls over, hitting me in the back of my head. I curse silently, hoping that Dora can't hear me. She knows that I don't use this kind of language anymore.

"That's great," I mutter, massaging my scull. Dora beams, looking at me from the driver's side. I chose to sit in the back hoping to catch up with some sleep, but my plan failed because Dora blasted music at full volume when we left Gargle, our hometown.

"Oh my God, India, this is so exciting. We are finally here," she flaps with her high-pitched voice. "Look at these buildings. Can you imagine what—"

We both get out of the car while she talks. I know that I should be listening, but I can't seem to focus today, and her monologue about the wild parties is always the same. An odd sensation brushes over me and I start to wonder why I'm not excited like Dora. We both have been counting the days to come to Braxton, and now I feel like I need to turn back. Maybe I'm not meant to go anywhere else but Gargle.

I take a few deep breaths and stretch my neck. Braxton University is the place where I always wanted to study. My mother and grandmother went here. Dora always wanted to live on her own; she has been talking about this ever since she was accepted.

Me, on the other hand, I just couldn't wait to get away from my toxic past.

Dora is my best friend, but I'm not sure if I made the right decision to drag her here with me this time around. Her parents are wealthy, so she could go anywhere in England that she wanted to, but in the end she followed me.

Maybe she decided to come to Braxton because we always did everything together. We aren't at all similar, but we have known each other for years and it's just easy that way. Dora would be a distraction from all the important stuff that I planned to do this year. She wants to party and carry on with the life she had in Gargle. Me? I want to distance myself from the past and concentrate on things that matter.

I walk around the car and start taking my bags out of the boot. The sun is blazing in the sky, burning the nape of my neck. In a few weeks it will get cold; it's surprising that the weather is still good in late September. But I feel an odd tension in the air, as if this peaceful day is going to be ruined by a thunderstorm. I notice heavy dark clouds starting to gather in the south.

"Come on, India, let's move. I want to check out the campus before it gets dark," Dora says, pulling me back to reality.

"All right, chill out. The bags are heavy," I snap.

"Oh, sorry, Miss Sensitive," she says, frowning. "Why are you in such a bad mood today?"

"I'm fine. Cut it out. Just tired," I reply through tightly pursed lips. She waves her hand and starts walking. I bite my lips, knowing exactly what she is talking about. I was up late last night thinking about Christian, and the next day I'm never the same after doing that.

We left Gargle in the early afternoon. Mum insisted on packing tons of food for us. She still thinks that we won't be able to cook a proper meal and we would be living on beans on toast. My little sister, Josephine, kept asking if she could come and visit me soon. She wants to see Braxton for herself. She is only fourteen, but she's already heard stories about university life, and she can't wait to taste the freedom for herself.

I take my bags and start following Dora. Her brown hair flows freely around her shoulders. She is walking towards the blocks of student apartments. I don't know why, but my stomach makes a funny jolt when I see the buildings that stretch in front of us.

We cross the path walking towards the entrance. I switch my bag, as my arm starts to ache, and drag my main suitcase behind me. We both notice the group of students throwing the rugby ball to each other outside on the grass. Dora is already playing with her hair, pretending that she is struggling with her luggage, probably hoping that any of those blokes would give her a hand. I roll my eyes, ignoring her moans, and move ahead. For a brief moment I feel someone's eyes on me, so I stop and turn around.

One of the guys who was throwing the ball is staring directly at me. His eyes squeeze shut and a fire spreads over my spine. He seems familiar, but I shake my head, knowing that I don't know anyone in Braxton and the sudden blaze of heat is just in my imagination. Dora manages to get the attention of one of the guys and they start chatting away. This is just so typical of her.

"Pass the ball, Jacob," someone shouts behind me. But I ignore that voice, even though it sounds so familiar, and it's heating up the blood that runs through my body. I think about back home. Mum asked me to call her when we reach Braxton just to make sure that we arrived safely.

Then something hits me hard in the back of the head and I let go a loud "Owww!" and turn swiftly around. I spot the rugby ball on the grass and reach out to massage my head. I narrow my eyes, spotting the same guy who was staring at me a few second ago. He is smirking.

"What's your problem?" I ask, my jaw tense with anger.

He doesn't look sorry at all that he hit me with the ball. He is tall and muscular. His dark hair is cut close to his scalp. For some reason the "special forces" haircut suits him. He is too far ahead so I can't see the color of his eyes, but his gaze is pulling me to him like he is made of a magnet. Jeans hang low on his hips and his white T-shirt is dirty, probably from rolling on the grass. I glance back at his friends, who are staring at me, startled. Something isn't right here—he obviously wanted to hit me on purpose.

"Well, who have we got here? Isn't it the one and only, India Gretel?" he says loudly, like he wants to make sure that everyone hears him.

"Do I know you?" I ask with impatience, eyeing him from head to toe. A large whacky grin appears on his handsome face. Something in his eyes tells me that we already met. His eyes harden on me as he picks up the ball and closes the gap between us. He has a wide jaw and full beautiful lips.

"Don't fucking tell me that you forgot about me already, Indi?" he asks, smirking. "Boys, let me introduce the biggest bitch that ever stepped into Braxton."

I blink rapidly, staring at him, digging all my memories out or anything that could tell me if I've seen him before, but I get nothing.

"Oliver, who the hell is that?" asks one of the guys walking up towards him. Dora probably notices my little show because she approaches me, looking equally confused.

"India, who is that douchebag?" she asks, frowning.

Oliver. That name rolls in my head like a snooker ball. It curls my toes and increases my heartbeat. It's like a poison that crawls into my pores and wrecks my body. His name brings on both good and bad within me. It's the name that I have been trying to forget for the past two years.

I stare at him like he isn't really there and I'm hallucinating. My heart starts pounding, sending a signal to my brain to start running when he approaches me.

It's not him; it can be.

"I'm sorry. I don't know who you are," I say, but my voice easily gives away my lie. The memories squirm back to me. The color of his eyes is the same. They are his eyes and I could never forget them. Deep blue, looking straight through me, touching down to my pain that his brother caused so many times. I cut the eye contact quickly enough and turn around but have trouble breathing.

"I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it really works," he shouts, and his friends laugh.

"Hold on, India, is that—"

"Dora, I didn't know that you were still friends with that witch?"

Another insult that hurts more than the first one. The blood drains from my face and my body goes rigid. I try to count to control myself, but the warm guilt pours into my stomach like a hot lava. Dora recognizes him straightaway.

"Oh my God, Oliver, is that really you?" She chuckles. "You've changed," she says. I look back at her, trying to give her a sign to move along, but she is standing there still staring at him.

He continues humiliating me. "Do tell my friends here about yourself, Indi. We all enjoy good horror stories."

"Dora, let's go," I snap, even though I feel too numb to move. I clench my teeth and drag my feet forward, ignoring my skyrocketing pulse.

"Oliver, you look hot," Dora sings flirtatiously. "See you around."

She hurries after me. My stomach goes through a series of contractions as we walk through the building. My heart is pounding like it's just about to explode. I need to take a deep breath and forget that I saw him. He was never supposed to go to Braxton. He isn't here; it's just my hallucination. I wish that I could change the past, but the tiny voice in my head tells me that I brought this on myself.

## Past

"Do you want to stay a bit longer, honey?" Mum asked, touching my palm gently as if I were made of glass. We were alone; many people had already left. Mum was waiting to take me home, but I couldn't move, watching the Bearers. They were lowering Christian's coffin down to the ground, their faces stone cold. Soon no one was going to remember him and the things that he'd done. Soon he was going to be forgotten.

Heavy, grey clouds hung over our heads. I stared at the same spot for several minutes, seeing the demons of darkness and death. They approached me, crawling over my back and digging long needles through my heart.

"Yes," I replied, not recognizing my own voice, which sounded empty. Christian's mother had asked me to sit with her in front row. People were talking to me, but everything was like a blur. People came, then left, but I was still there hurting.

Mum didn't say anymore. She got up and left me with my own nightmare, maybe because it was easier that way. I stared back as the coffin disappeared into the ground, and I was glad that he was dead. A few days had passed since the party at Christian's home. I still hadn't told anyone about what happened. When he dropped me home I'd gone straight to my bedroom and cried. Christian had been an ideal teenager, but a few weeks before his death he turned into a psychopath. He knew throughout the years that I didn't feel the same way about him, that I wanted only friendship, but he kept this knowledge under control until the party—then he lost it. He was devious, making sure that no one noticed anything.

My mother had knocked around midnight. For several minutes she was silent, then she gave me the news. Christian had a car accident and he died in the hospital. Then she hugged me and told me to let it all go. I sobbed, feeling sorrow along with an incredible relief filling me up slowly. Part of me wanted him to be dead, the other part still cared for him.

My wish had come true a few hours after he hurt me.

Then it was the funeral, and I was standing there glad that he was out of my life. I didn't know how I was going to deal with the pain and those cruel memories. He destroyed me; then he disappeared.

Christian was gone; he took his vicious and sadistic part of him to the grave, but he left me with emotional scars and a nightmare that I will never forget.

"India."

It was Oliver. I didn't even notice when he approached me, but I recognized his voice straightaway. He stood beside me for a moment, and my anger and agitation grew. I turned to face him.

"What do you want, Oliver?" I snapped. His long dark hair hung over his shoulders; his eyes peered at me from beneath long black eyelashes. He was wearing a long black Goth coat.

"I just wanted to make sure that you're all right," he said, placing his hand on my arm. I clenched my fists and tensed my body. Pure rage started coursing through my bloodstream. Oliver was the one that was supposed to be at that party. If he had shown up like he promised, I would never have had to go through that nightmare. It was all his fault.

"He is gone, Oliver. You don't need to check on me. You don't have to be around me anymore," I shouted. My heart was pounding, but I felt so much better as soon as I said it.

"Come on, India, I know you are hurting, but he was my brother and I'll miss him, too." He moved closer. I pulled away and got up, stomping away from him.

"I hate you, Oliver. I fucking hate your guts," I yelled. "Just stay away from me. I don't want you anywhere near me."

He stood there looking at me as if I were speaking in a different language. His eyes darkened and he looked away. I felt better pushing him away. Fighting with him and hurting him was like a therapy. I felt released.

"Indi, I don't get it—"

"You don't need to get anything, Oliver. I swear that I'll make your life difficult if you don't stay away. I mean it. Christian is dead and we are done."

I turned and walked away, leaving him next to his dead brother. Before the party, I would have thrown myself into his arms and told him that we had to be strong now. But that was then. Now I was in pieces.

# Chapter two

#

# Back to square one

## Present

"Can you believe that it was him?" Dora asks for the fourth time, pacing around the room. I try to take a long deep breath, hoping the nausea will pass, but I feel like I'm going to throw up at any second. My heart is still pounding, pumping way too much blood to my head. In a matter of seconds the past is crushing me, and Christian's body is lying next to me. Everything is falling apart.

"No, I can't," I reply with an uneasy tone. "What the hell is he even doing here? He was supposed to be in Edinburgh."

She looks at me, tossing her brown hair behind her. Dora is a beautiful girl with brown eyes and long thick eyelashes. She is short, only five foot four, a petite woman with a sharp tongue. She doesn't let people walk over her.

"That's what we all heard, but he obviously didn't go to Scotland," she mutters. "He looks so hot. And did you see his muscles? I never knew that he worked out."

The panic passes through my body. This wasn't the Oliver that I used to know. The one from the past was this unpopular, nerdy teenager that everyone used to make fun of. He was always in the shadow of his brother. Today I just met a new Oliver—strong, gorgeous, and confident. And Oliver remembers; he never forgot how I used to bully him.

"I guess he looks better," I mumble, trying to take my mind off the man outside our building. Only a few minutes ago we got the keys to our apartment, but Dora doesn't seem to care. She wants to know everything about the new gorgeous Oliver and the transformation that he went through.

She flops on the sofa staring at me with her mouth wide open. "Are you blind, India? Can you not see how much he's changed? He is so much handsomer than Christian," she hisses. "Besides, our group in high school gave him a hard time. I always wondered—why did you hate him so much?"

"It was never about hating him. He just annoyed me," I tell her, although we both know that it's a lie. She is right. I hated him because he wasn't there for me when I needed him the most.

"Bullshit, India. It all started after Christian—" She goes silent, not finishing that sentence that always makes me mad. She knows that I don't react well when she mentions Oliver's brother, Christian.

"After the accident," I say quietly. The uncomfortable silence blows out around us. I've forbidden her from talking about him. When people remind me about him I become a different person, cruel and defensive. No one knows what happened, even Dora. She thinks that I changed because I lost him.

"Yeah, after that," she says, scratching her head. "I don't like that new you. The old India was more fun."

I don't respond, pretending to look around our new apartment. I intend to not talk about my past for the rest of the day. Oliver is in Braxton and I need to try to deal with this the best I can. Dora needs to understand that the old India has gone, and she is never coming back.

Dora starts talking about something else, and I'm glad that she ditches that uncomfortable subject. An hour later, she vanishes into her bedroom to deal with unpacking.

Dora's mum and dad divorced when she was around ten, and since then she has been floating between both parents. I don't think that she ever got over the fact that her parents split up. Her father couldn't see her that often, so he made sure that he gave her money to make up for the lost time. Back in high school Dora had the best clothes and the latest technological gadgets that everyone else could only dream of. She never had to chase after guys. She was popular and never had a problem with dates. We were close, but only two years ago I found out that she was suffering from depression and anxiety. She was seeing a psychologist occasionally. Apparently it had something to do with the fact that her dad wasn't around.

We've been friends for years, but I have never seen her in any distress. Maybe it's because she ditched school quite a lot. When she was absent, she never returned any of her phone calls and her mother never let me in, saying that Dora didn't wish to see anyone.

Today I leave her alone. Then after a few hours I gently knock on her door and enter. She is sorting her clothes, muttering something about the shoes and the size of the wardrobe. She has to have everything sorted exactly the way she wants, which means that she can't stand a mess. Even her underwear drawer is folded alphabetically.

We kind of bonded in primary school, when my father died. After that, it was only me, Mum, and my little sister, Josephine. My father had a heart attack, and his death nearly cost Mum her job. She didn't leave her room for days. Then she started drinking. She never used to drink, but a few weeks after the funeral she had to have several glasses of wine every evening. It wasn't a pretty time, but we managed to get through it. After her boss told her that she would lose her job, Mum finally stopped drowning her grief in alcohol. That day she changed, and we had her back.

When Dora finally emerges from her room, it's early evening. I know that all her clothes have been folded in the wardrobe by then. She is sort of weird like that, sitting on her own for hours. Deep down I know that she's going through some emotional whiplash. I don't disturb her. I let her take her time.

"What are you wearing?" she asks narrowing her eyes and pointing at my outfit. I look down at my old jeans and ugly T-shirt that's more grey than yellow. Yes, I look like a tramp, but who cares? It's only Dora and me.

"Comfortable clothes. Why?"

"Because we're going out for food," she says, staring at her reflection in the mirror. I automatically cringe and consider staying in the apartment on my own. I'm not comfortable going out, knowing that he is out there.

"I don't want to go out. It's our first night here," I protest.

"That's the point. We didn't come here to sit around. We are here to party, so get that sexy arse of yours to the bathroom." She smirks, pushing me towards my room.

I pull my caramel hair into a messy knot with one hand, tapping my fingers on the edge of the table with the other. Recently I have been doing this more often; this small ritual kind of calms me down—until the memories of the party come flashing back to my brain.

I'm not bad looking; people have always told me that I'm pretty. I have long wavy hair that I straighten often and green eyes. I've got very fair skin with millions of freckles around my nose and cheeks, which tend to be embarrassing when people point that out. My self-esteem used to be high, but now it's all like mushy peas. All because of Oliver's brother, Christian.

I pull skinny jeans over my long legs and put a low-cut top on. I stopped using makeup two years ago, but tonight Dora wants me to become the old India, the one from high school. Ruthless and flirtatious, the kind of girl that she expects me to be. I went through a transformation after Oliver left to go to University. He was nearly two years older than me, and as soon as he graduated high school, he took an offer of a scholarship in Scotland and vanished from Gargle. I'd lost him, so I stopped being cruel, wild and obnoxious towards others. He wasn't around anymore, so I couldn't pour out my frustration on anyone else anymore.

During that year, I quieted down and understood that I pushed him away, hurt him and ruined his life. It was time for me to share my secret with him, but then it was too late, because he was already gone and no one knew if he was going to come back.

Dora still likes to be the center of attention, as she never received enough from her father. Her mum was always pleasant. She kept inviting me over so I could use their pool in the summer. They live in the better part of Gargle in a large house. Her mother works as a solicitor. Dora never had to worry about money. If she wanted something, she just got it.

I live on the outskirts of Gargle in a more modest location. After my father died, Mum had to handle the responsibility of looking after us alone. She never let us think that we were poor, but she had to count every penny. I remember that my sister wanted to do gymnastics like her friends, but Mum couldn't afford it. But my mum always made sure that we were reasonably happy.

I bring back all these silly memories, wondering if I'm ever going to be happy in Braxton. Oliver changed. He isn't weak anymore, and I'm certain that he still remembers how I treated him.

Dora smirks at me when I leave the bathroom; she approves the clothes that I chose. Tonight she is showing off her cleavage, wearing a mini skirt with her high boots. She knows how to use her assets. I made a promise to myself before I left. I don't want to get involved with anyone. After Christian died I went out with a few guys, slept with one of them, hoping to forget. That didn't happen, and I was back to square one.

"C'mon, let's see if we can find ourselves a guy for this fine evening." She giggles, taking one last glance at herself in the mirror.

"Looking like that, you probably will," I say, as I finish styling my caramel hair. I can't do anything about the freckles. I hate my fair completion. I can't even go outside without a high factor screen when it's sunny because I burn so quickly.

Dora places her hands on her hips and narrows her eyes. "I don't understand, India. You are hot, but you're playing like no one can replace Christian. Just go out there and have fun like in high school."

"I'm not interested in dating, Dora. This isn't high school. I told you I would have to work hard to keep up with all those nerds. Plus I've got rowing training to think about."

"Rowing?" she says, laughing. "Are you seriously considering doing that crap?"

I hate that she is so opinionated about everything. She has no idea what makes me happy. She likes to be in control, and if she loses that control she locks herself up and pretends that everything is all right.

"It's a sport, Dora, the sport that I like, so stop being so negative about everything."

She looks away, chewing her upper lip. "I'm not negative. You just need to chill out. You don't seem to want do anything these days."

"Partying isn't on my list of priorities anymore, Dora, so get used to it. Otherwise I'll forget we've been friends for so long," I say. "Now lets go out. I'm starving."

Outside, Dora quickly forgets about our tense conversation and keeps cracking jokes about Oliver. The evening is warm, the breeze ruffling my hair. Hopefully it will stay like that for the rowing trials. The campus is full of students who are enjoying Freshers' Week; subconsciously I know that we should join them. Today I'm starting my first year of university, at the age of nineteen, and I suppose I need to have some fun, too.

Dora suggests that we grab a quick takeout from the local shop.

While we're eating, Dora chats away with a group of girls from Essex. Her father lives there and she practically thinks that she is an Essex girl now. I'm amazed at her ability to make friends so quickly. They aren't particularly bright, but Dora already has them swirled around her small finger, throwing a bunch of complements. It takes her a while to introduce me, but that's just her and I'm used to it by now.

"India, listen, Louise is telling me that there is a party going on, like ten minutes walk from here."

"Dora, come on, I'm not in the mood," I complain, knowing that I would be the one that would have to take her home. She doesn't know her limit.

"It's Fresher Week, we don't have to wake up early tomorrow."

I shake my head, but Dora is right. My Internet is not even hooked up yet, the TV is still in the car, and I left a lot of my DVDs at home. There is nothing to do in the apartment.

"Fine, let's go then," I mutter. She squeaks, jumping up and down.

The Essex girls are giggling. Shortly after that, I'm introduced to Louise and Nicole, who are studying nursing. They are also freshers just like Dora and me. My friend talks about everything and anything assuming that her new company is willing to listen. She knows that I know everything about her and I've already heard all of her unbelievable stories.

Ten minutes later, we walk through the alley, hearing the loud music from the semi- detached houses. A group of people are outside holding bottles of beer. One of the guys is puking. I think about that evening with Oliver just before Christian died and tense automatically. I tell myself it's just another random party, that there is nothing to worry about. And I feel better—right until I step inside the house notice him there.

## Past

It was just after the funeral that I realized that it was Oliver's fault. He could have stopped Christian if he would've shown up like we arranged earlier. After Christian's death, I started pouring my hatred down on people that I cared about. I was popular at high school; everyone wanted to hang with me. It took me two years to get on the cheerleader squad and five to gain a scholarship. My mum used to laugh that I was born under a lucky star. Although things were great from the outside, inside I was rotten. My soul had been infected by Christian. He loved me, cherished me—and he destroyed me. The worst part was that he was dead and I couldn't get my revenge.

Dora and I and our posse were walking through the corridor laughing about some lame joke that Dora told us. We had a little break between classes, so we were just about to get lunch, when I saw Oliver standing by the vending machine. His long black hair was pulled back in a ponytail. He was staring at me.

Whenever I looked at him I remembered everything from that day at the party. His posture, his hands, and his long hair reminded me of Christian. Two guys from his year passed him and pushed him towards the wall. He didn't react. He allowed people to get away with whatever they wanted by acting weak. We'd drifted apart after Christian's death, after the funeral when I told him that I didn't want to be part of his life anymore.

He took the can of coke from the machine and started walking towards the stairs.

"Hey, Ollie, is it true that you couldn't get it up with Marisa?" I shouted. I didn't know what came over me then. It was like I became a different person. As soon as those words left my mouth, a warmth filled my stomach and the pain eased. I'd found a new way of dealing with those unsettled emotions. After the funeral I'd decided to stay away from him, but right now I felt so much better seeing him hurt.

My girlfriends laughed, and Oliver froze on the spot. I was aware that there must have been around a dozen people in that corridor. That didn't stop me; instead it gave me a buzz to continue.

"Cocksucker," Ryan shouted from behind me. I laughed and the girls laughed with me. Oliver just stood there staring at me with those empty eyes.

"I always knew that he was gay," yelled Ryan's mate. We all burst out laughing. Oliver turned and walked away.

I was high for the rest of the day, high on hatred, and for the first time in months I didn't have nightmares.

Oliver hadn't spoken to me since that day. Whenever I looked at him, it was only to get rid of the memories, and I had to hurt him again. So I did until he left.

# Chapter three

#

# Threat

## Present

There is no way to pretend that I can't see him. Oliver has his arms around a pretty blonde girl. I try to look away, but I can't deny that I'm shocked seeing him here. The girl has massive boobs that pop out of her tank top like two swollen balloons. My eyes dart away and I wonder if I can get out of here before he notices me. His attention is on the girl for another second or so before he turns, looking at the exact spot where I'm standing right now. The panic whisks through me, and I quickly look away, already knowing that he is aware that I'm here.

I bite my lip, contemplating if running out is an option. Now I understand that horrible feeling in my gut that has been bothering me all day. Somehow my mind projected that we could meet again, and here I'm afraid to even acknowledge him. I glance back at him, and from a distance I notice a small smile that creeps over his mouth. My heart skips a beat when he leans toward the girl and whispers something in her ear. Then they both look at me.

I turn around in a panic to face Dora and her new beautiful companions. "We need to leave...now," I stutter. I feel like he is tearing my body to pieces from inside out.

"What? We just got here," Dora says.

"Yeah, have a drink," adds Nicole, handing me a plastic cup with something inside that looks like beer. Louise is already chatting with a tall dark-haired student.

"Oliver is here and he is staring at us," I hiss, trying to push her outside, but she's having none of it. She looks behind me, probably trying to bring his attention to me, but that's the last thing I want. I'm thinking that Dora is ruining everything. My new plan that involves staying away from Oliver is out the window.

"What are you talking about, India? He looks busy with that blondie over there." She giggles.

I turn around slowly and peer through my eyelashes. Oliver is no longer staring. His arms are wrapped around the girl's arse and he is kissing her. My stomach drops and a wave— thick and heated with jealousy—sweeps through me like a waterfall. They aren't kissing like a loving couple in the park afraid of being seen. Their kisses are hard, deep; I can picture their tongues swirling inside each other's mouths. My brain is sending an alert to my body to stop looking, but I can't. His lips are taking control of hers, and he is reaching deep down, pressing her down with his body. People are staring. Someone whistles. I instantly feel memories of Christian flashing through my mind.

"I need a drink," I say and rush as far away as I can from Oliver and his "girlfriend."

"Now you're talking," sings Dora, following me.

My stomach twists into knots when I think about that evening in the cinema when we shared our first kiss.

## Past

It was a rainy Wednesday night when I went to Christian's house excited to see a new James Bond film. Movies were my passion, and I couldn't miss a premiere of a brand new classic action film. I ran a blog where I posted all my reviews, and I had a decent number of followers. Christian never shared my enthusiasm for films. He had a short attention span, so he managed to sleep though most of the films that we went to. He also didn't like sitting in a dark room watching films that he could download at home. He knew that I was obsessed, and he also knew that I would go, with or without him.

Christian's mother opened the door and let me inside. Her cheeks were rosy, and I noticed a half-empty glass of wine in her hand.

"Come on in, India. You're soaked right through," she said, passing me a towel. Getting wet was just the part of the deal. I always used to forget an umbrella purposely. Mum caught me a few times when I was walking back from school in the rain. She used to get mad, shouting that if I got the flu she would send me ill to school. I was kind of weird like that: I liked feeling rain on my bare skin.

Christian's family lived in one of those large posh houses with fronted bay windows in the better part of Gargle. His father worked a lot—he was barely home—and his mother liked her drink, maybe a bit too much. She was slightly drunk when I walked through the door. Christian gave me a kiss, passing me his hoody. He was tall and well built with long dark hair. He'd played rugby since he was in primary school.

"Are you ready to go?" I asked. "The film starts in half an hour."

"Yeah. Listen, do you mind if Oliver comes with us?"

My heart started hammering in my chest when Christian mentioned his name. I felt someone's eyes on me, so I turned around. Oliver was walking downstairs. His long black hair hung over his shoulders. He was wearing a leather jacket and black pants. He smiled and all of the sudden heat embraced my body, sending a signal to my brain that I shouldn't be here.

"Yes, sure," I replied in a small voice.

"What are we going to see?" asked Oliver, coming towards me.

"A new Bond film. It's got great reviews."

"All right, children, let's go. The sooner we get this over with, the better," Christian said, sending a wink to Oliver. I hated when Christian forced himself to be with me. He could just say that he didn't want to watch the film.

"Have fun," his mother said, not taking her eyes off the TV.

We left the house and jumped into Christian's Audi. I sat in the back and put my headphones on, hoping to chill out a little with my favorite music. The cinema was only around a ten-minute drive. I avoided the premiere days, as Christian always complained about crowds. This new film that we were going to see had been out for two weeks, so we didn't have to worry about an overcrowded screening.

Christian was in charge of drinks and snacks while Oliver and I went to take our seats. I was excited to see the film. My formal boyfriend came back just before it started and sat next to me. Oliver was sitting on my right. For the first half hour I couldn't concentrate on what was happening on the screen. Oliver's arm kept brushing over mine. I wasn't sure if he was doing it purposely or if he was just uncomfortable. My pulse was skyrocketing, and every time he touched me a violent tremor passed through my whole body. I liked Christian. He was always a perfect gentleman; up to this time he'd never pushed me to do anything that I didn't want to do. But I never felt that spark with him that I felt whenever Oliver was around. Christian and I were together physically, but mentally my heart belonged to someone else.

Halfway through the film, Christian was asleep. That was his routine, and it meant I could finally enjoy the movie.

"Hey, Indi," Oliver whispered.

I swallowed hard, turning slowly around. I blinked twice, seeing his perfect blue eyes. His face was only a couple inches away from mine and that terrified me because my heart nearly stopped beating. The odd, unfamiliar sensation settled between my thighs.

Oliver was looking straight through me. He brushed his thumb over my face and I shivered, wondering how far he would go. He'd never shown any interest in me, certainly never in front of Christian. He leaned towards me and his lips brushed over mine gently as if he didn't really mean to kiss me. I was levitating with desire that suddenly rolled over my entire body.

Then he stopped and sat back, breathing hard. I waited for him to carry on, but he just sat there staring at the film. His brother was snoring next to me, and my heart continued beating violently throughout the rest of the film.

## Present

I close my eyes trying to erase that memory from my mind. It's just the past. Oliver was only playing with me then like he is playing with me right now. He couldn't know that I had any feelings for him. I kept that secret hidden away for years.

I walk to the fridge and pick up a bottle of beer. It's way too hot in this house, but the kitchen is spacious and there is plenty food on the table. People are chatting amongst themselves. Dora doesn't look happy, drinking her beer and staring at half-cooked pizza. Then a group of students walks in laughing loudly.

"Hey, Jacob," Dora shouts, flickering her long eyelashes. She is beside him within a second. We both remember him. Jacob is the guy that threw the ball with Oliver when we arrived. I already hate him and I hate that Dora decides to hit on him. I know that look on her face, plus Jacob is in her type. Tall, well built with messy blond hair.

"Oh hey, I was wondering if you would show up." He grins, nodding to the rest of the guys to give him some space. They start talking and soon his arm is around her.

I can't help but roll my eyes and carry on drinking and watching people. Dora pushes him away playfully, pretending that she is a good girl and she doesn't get close to the blokes that she doesn't know. We both know that's just her game plan. Dora adores attention. Half an hour later she completely forgets that I exist. The alcohol and loud music could turn people into zombies. I know, because I used to be some of those people.

"Come on, let's check the garden. I want to show you something," Jacob says, suddenly taking Dora's hand.

"Yeah, great," she replies.

"Dora, where are you going? We need to leave," I protest, but she vanishes into the garden. It's not uncommon for my best friend to just bail on me with a guy she just met, but this time I'm worried because Jacob might be Oliver's best buddy.

My skin tingles and I take a few deep breaths, wondering what to do with myself. Two Essex girls are also gone. Someone increases the volume and the music blasts, jackhammering my brain. I'm in dangerous territory. I'm scared to leave this precious spot because Oliver is somewhere out there and here I feel safe.

A few more people walk into the kitchen. A young-looking student passes everyone brand new shot glasses straight from the box. I take one, not saying a word. It's not long before he pours vodka for everyone and I'm forced to drink. I don't want to look like an idiot in front of everyone else. Two years ago I partied almost every weekend with Dora and other friends, so I should be used to vodka.

"Another one!" yells the girl, lifting her glass, so there is one more round. Somehow I manage to sneak away from the kitchen with the lame excuse that I need to find the bathroom. It's safe to be back in the living room. Oliver is nowhere to be seen, and I don't have to keep drinking. The music is much louder now, and Dora is still nowhere to be found. I can only hope she isn't having sex with Jacob in the back of the house, although I wouldn't be surprised if she is.

The vodka leaves a disgusting taste in my mouth. My stomach makes a flip, so I hurry upstairs to find a toilet. A few drunken students push me over, and I clench my teeth hoping the nausea will pass.

In the bathroom, I lock the door and sit on the floor for a minute or so. Luckily I don't have to puke, but my body is drenched with sweat. It takes me a moment to pull myself together.

I look at my reflection in the mirror, wondering if I'm ever going to feel normal again. My caramel-colored hair is all over the place, my cheeks are flushed, and my muscles are aching. I run my finger over my eyes to remove the smudges from my black eyeliner. My stomach makes an uncomfortable growl as I take a few long breaths.

Then I hear a noise and someone enters. I lift my gaze, and in the mirror I see a familiar face. Our eyes meet and the ache in my heart starts vibrating through my bones, causing an eruption of panic. The air ceases in my lungs. I could have sworn that I locked the door when I came in, but now Oliver is here, standing in that small space with me.

For several long moments, no one makes a move. His eyes harden on me. Only two steps divide us, and I consider screaming. The adrenaline starts pumping through my body, but I stand there immobile, wondering what he will do or say.

A small smile creeps across his mouth as he locks the door of the bathroom.

This is not good, not good at all.

My mind shouts at me to start running, but I can't move. He's changed so much since the last time I saw him. His lean, ripped body looks thrilling, and I begin to wonder if he aimed to look like his brother. Strong, handsome, and not afraid of anyone, even me. His pupils dilate and he inhales quickly, taking a step forward.

"Get out," I say before he gets too close to me. My voice sounds weak, but Oliver doesn't even acknowledge my order. He moves even closer. Soon I'm pinned to the basin, breathing like an asthmatic. His hands are on both sides and I'm at his mercy. His eyes are penetrating me, showing me that he is in charge like I once had been.

My heart leaps in my throat, but I don't dare to move. I'm afraid to touch him, to make a connection with his body. Christian was a monster, and Oliver is a man who desires his payback. He wants to break me, though, not caring that we were friends once before.

"Indi, you're going to listen to me very carefully because I won't be repeating myself. It's only this once, right now, that we are going to talk," he says, almost whispering as he leans close to my face.

I want to move away, scream, shout or do anything to get away from him, but my body doesn't want to react. I'm holding my breath, feeling the heat embrace every small part of me. I can't give him any response. I'm not the person that I used to be. Here I'm weak, lost, and confused.

"You're will go back to wherever the fuck you've come from. You're going to pack. Then you will call your mother and tell her that you changed your mind about studying in Braxton. Then you will take the next bus to Gargle and stay there until you figure out what to do with your life."

He stops talking and waits for my reaction or response. His closeness is killing me. I'm not able to hurt him the way I used to. My demons are back, but there isn't any hatred left within me. I poured everything out on Oliver years ago.

I'm hanging there, taking long rigid breaths, wondering if he is serious. When his expression doesn't change, I know that he is not joking. He wants me to leave Braxton, to stay away from his new life.

"I'm not going anywhere," I say, almost whispering after a long moment of silence. He can say what he wants, but I won't leave my dream behind. I worked too hard to get here. He can't expect me to throw my hard work away just because he can't deal with me.

His dark eyes narrow and his body tenses. There are two possibilities of what might happen: first Oliver would insult me and leave, or second, he might find a way to make me leave one way or another. It's my own fault that he is so angry right now. I ruined him and all the feelings that we had for each other.

"I'm giving you a chance to leave on your own accord, Indi," he says, smirking. "Otherwise, I won't have a choice, and I'll make you leave."

It's as if I'm enjoying the humiliation, not being able to push him away and stand up for myself. "I told you, I'm staying no matter what you say or do," I say through gritted teeth.

For a split second he gives me the impression that he said enough, but then he does something unexpected. He takes a step back and drags me over to the wall, pinning me closely to his chest. I let out an uncontrolled sharp gasp when he pushes his body closer to mine, locking my last possibility of escape. His cheek is right beside my cheek, and I wonder if he is capable of hurting me, the same way I hurt him. My body turns into mush, and the desire is back swirling inside me like a windstorm. I force my breathing in and out slowly.

"Oh, Indi," he begins, whispering to my ear, "I can't believe that you're throwing your chance away. If you don't want to stay miserable for the rest of the year, you need to leave Braxton today. I've tolerated you through high school, took all the insults and pranks, but now I'm a not the same person. I've changed. It's your choice, but remember, if you decide to stay, I'll be breathing down your neck, watching you. Trust me, you don't want to be my enemy because I'll hurt you."

Then, before I can even comprehend what he just said, he lets go of me and leaves the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. For a moment or two I stand there learning how to breathe again, my chest rising and falling. My mind spins as I roll down to the floor. This isn't happening to me. He didn't just give me an ultimatum. Oliver doesn't own me like his brother did. It's been two years since Christian died. It's been two years since I was freed.

I bring my hands to my face, sobbing quietly. If I won't comply, Oliver will make sure that I won't last in Braxton. He always keeps his word, and I know that he wasn't bluffing just now. I lift myself up and rinse my face. My green eyes are glazed and my cheeks are flushed.

I drop my head down and take a deep breath considering all the options. He is already winning. The old India would never have let him take control here. She would have fought, and she would have won.

# Chapter four

#

# It's just life

## Present

When I walk downstairs my legs are shaking, but Oliver is nowhere to be seen. He did what he needed to do, and I wouldn't be surprised if he bailed already. I've known Oliver for years, and despite what went on between us in high school, he was always cool and collected. He never challenged me about my behavior toward him. I can't find Dora anywhere. She is still probably with that guy Jacob.

The air downstairs is warm and dense. There are a lot more people in the room. Couples are spread in the corners making out in the rhythm of rock music. I walk back to the kitchen searching for Dora. I have goose pimples all over my arms and my stomach is in knots. I take my mobile and call her. She doesn't pick up. I don't know anyone at this party, so after half an hour of searching, I decide to go home. Dora is obviously having a great time, so there is no point disturbing her. She is a big girl and able to take care of herself.

The street is full of students. I shouldn't be surprised; it's the Fresher Week and people want to enjoy themselves. When I get to the apartment, my head starts spinning. I run to my room and start packing. Oliver has won. He wants me to leave, so that's exactly what I'm going to do. He always knew that I would choose Braxton. We'd talked about this for as long as we'd known each other. After the way I treated him in high school, he probably decided to pay me back by choosing the same university.

I pack all my stuff, wondering what I'm going to tell my mum. My head is aching so I lie down in my new bed. With the alcohol in my system, I decide to pack the rest tomorrow morning. By two o'clock in the morning I'm still not asleep. Dora hasn't come home yet, but when I look at my phone I see that she sent me a text saying that I shouldn't wait for her. I manage to drift off a few hours later.

I wake up in the morning with a headache. The memories from last night flow back to me, and I cringe thinking about my conversation with Oliver. I rub my sleepy eyes and look at my half-packed luggage. Tears of regret swell in my eyes when I think of the way I treated Oliver in high school. I meant to stop hurting him so many times, but I never did. I wanted to apologize, but something or someone always stopped me.

I hear laughter in the living room, and I wonder if Dora has a company. She has only been in Braxton for five minutes, but she's already met her potential boyfriend and two new girlfriends.

I put some clothes on and smooth my hair. When I walk into the living room I see Jacob, who has Dora on his lap. They are so engrossed with each other that they don't even notice me. I clear my throat to let them know that I'm in the room. It looks like my best friend has already marked Jacob as hers because he can't seem to take his eyes off her.

"Oh, India, you met Jacob?" asks my friend.

Jacob finally looks at me. "All right, India?"

"Fine, thanks."

I have to admit that I didn't expect him to be friendly towards me. After all, he is Oliver's mate—and from what it looks like, Dora's new boyfriend, if I can call him that. And if she dates him, that will only bring more trouble for me. I see my half-packed suitcase and change my mind. Oliver can threaten me, but I won't leave just because he can't stand me.

"Dora, what time did you get back yesterday? I didn't hear you come in."

"She didn't. She slept in my place," Jacob says. Dora has an attack of hysterical giggles, and I roll my eyes. I can't believe that she slept with him not even thinking about the consequences.

"Yes, Jacob just dropped me home. He's got a practice session in an hour," she informs me, stroking her brown hair.

"Great," I reply and head to the kitchen in need of coffee. Once the kettle boils, my mind wanders off to the bathroom at the party and Oliver's threat. He can't make me leave. I worked hard to get here. It's an easy decision, similar to the other that I made two years ago after Christian's funeral. I'm staying whether Oliver likes it or not.

I spend the rest of the day with Dora, listening to her monologue about Jacob after he leaves for rugby training. I've known her for too long; she gets bored of men quite easily. Jacob is handsome, but I don't see her sticking with him for that long. I keep quiet about my heated conversation with Oliver. It's better to keep Dora out of trouble.

The next few days pass too quickly. I'm forced to spend most of my days in my room because Jacob is always in our apartment. Neither of them is shy, and they don't care that I sit on the opposite sofa while they make out. On top of that, Dora isn't that great in the kitchen, so I'm the one that ends up preparing everything. Now I have to cook more because Jacob has a healthy appetite. This slowly starts to drive me crazy. My best friend doesn't seem to care. She has a new man in her life, she is away from her mum, and she can do what she wants. If I'd known this was the way she was imagining living with me, then I would have thought twice about it.

I haven't seen Oliver around campus since our tense rendezvous in the bathroom, but I try to have eyes in the back on my head. It doesn't take me long to discover that he is the captain of the rugby team. The posters of the team are all over campus, and he's the only person everyone is talking about, especially girls. I feel like he's already hunting me down.

My first rowing session is in a few days. The team hasn't been formed yet, but I'm looking forward to getting rid of my frustration during training.

I choose law as my main degree. But I don't have to make a final decision about where I want to take my career until my last year. Law always fascinated me. I also think it's partly because I really like those TV shows about troubled lawyers and criminals. Mum warned me that I might struggle to get the license, but I'm willing to try.

Classes start a week after the Fresher Week. My timetable looks busy, and for the first few days I run between classes trying to find the right room. Today I'm relieved when lunch hour approaches. Dora has been texting me all day demanding to talk to me, but I didn't have time to reply as I was so busy. I text her when I leave the lecture, saying that I'm heading for lunch. Dora is studying Business and Management. Her father works as a financial adviser so I think he influenced her to take on that subject. Dora isn't very ambitious, but she seems genuinely interested in business.

The canteen is packed. I make a mental note to change my dinner schedule in the future. A few people stare at me more than usual as I walk in. I don't know anyone in Braxton, so I'm surprised that people actually notice me. I load my tray with food and go back to find a seat.

"India. Hey, India."

It's Dora. She waves to me from the other side of the hall, so I follow. Unfortunately, she isn't alone. Two Essex girls and Jacob are with her. My stomach tightens, but I don't let them see that I'm uncomfortable. I should be used to that by now. Company always follows Dora.

"Hey, guys." I greet them. The Essex girls nod toward me coldly. Dora feeds Jacob, who seems to be enjoying the attention.

"India, where have you been? I've been texting you all day," she says.

"I had classes, like most people here, Dora," I reply, smiling. "What's up?"

"We need to talk."

"I'm starving and I've got another class in forty minutes, so it'll have to wait," I say. "Besides, knowing you, I guess it's nothing important." I start eating my chips and curry. I have a rowing session this afternoon so I need a lot of energy. The Essex girls are eating their salads and eyeing my plate with disgust.

Dora purses her lips together, jumps off Jacob's lap, and sits beside me. "It's really important. Come on. Let's move to the other table."

"Babe, I have my history module in fifteen minutes," Jacob complains.

"Yeah, babe, I'm in the middle of my lunch," I say, mocking Jacob, who doesn't seem to realize how silly that sounds. Dora isn't a babe for sure.

"No freaking way, Indi. You need to listen to what I've got to tell you. This is really important." She drags me away from the table.

I'm not in the mood for her stupid gossip. I get cranky when I'm hungry. We sit a few meters away from our table and more people stare in our direction. Oliver is like a god on campus, and all of a sudden he took an interest in me, so it seems everyone wants to know why I'm so special.

"Okay, you've got me now," I say. "Just be quick. I need to pop into the library after lunch."

"Did you have some kind of confrontation with our hot Oliver?" she asks, slamming her hands on the table.

My mouth goes dry. How the hell would Dora know about this? No one could know that Oliver threatened me in the bathroom. "No. We aren't exactly on speaking terms."

"Are you sure?"

"What are you getting at, Dora? Don't you remember Oliver and I hated each other? And we still do."

"I know, but I thought that you were doing that because you had feelings for him?"

I don't like where this conversation is going. I don't have any feelings for Oliver anymore. He is dead to me like Christian.

"He hit me with the ball, Dora. Do you think I'd be interested in such a loser?"

She tosses her hair behind and licks her lips, waving towards Jacob. "He is hot and every girl on the campus wants him. He changed, so I assumed that you also changed your perspective."

"Nothing's changed. I still want nothing to do with him."

"That's too bad because I always thought that you'd make a cute couple."

"Don't be delusional, Dora," I tell her, getting angry. "Christian was my boyfriend and

Oliver was his brother. That's the end of the story."

"Fine, fine. I'm only teasing," she says. "Here is the thing. I made friends with a few girls from the cheerleader squad for the rugby boys, and they told me something very interesting about Oliver."

I hate when Dora gets all serious. She has that tendency of exaggerating the whole truth, even if it's just the smallest thing. She's doing that right now, like she needs to keep a secret but she can't wait to tell me everything. "Dora, seriously, I'm not interested. I want to stay away from Oliver. I'm here to study. Fooling around is not on the agenda."

She leans closer, touching my hand. Her brown eyes flicker with excitement. "You should be interested, because they were talking about you. Apparently Oliver made a bet over you with one of the boys from the rugby team."

I shake my head, confused for a moment, then I start laughing. "A bet?"

She narrows her eyes, looking angry. "Yes, Oliver told some other guy that you will leave within a few months, that he will make sure that you do," she says.

I stop smiling and look away, trying to compose myself. Violent emotions pull me apart and I don't know if I should laugh or cry. Is it really possible that he could go that far, to make sure that I disappear from his life? My heart starts pounding way too fast, and I swallow hard. Then Dora turns to look over my shoulder, and I feel like the atmosphere in the canteen shifts. Girls are turning their heads, sending wide smiles across the room. My skin goes hot within a moment because I already know who is walking through the canteen. I don't dare to turn around, but I can feel his blue eyes on my back.

The air changes when he is around, like he affects everyone.

"Are you done now?" I ask, looking her in the eye. Dora acts startled, her mouth hanging open.

Then I hear his voice and my stomach contracts.

"Jacob, we've got to rush."

"Come on, man, I haven't finished my food," complains Dora's brand new boyfriend.

"Don't care. We got stuff to do," says my enemy number one.

I tense my shoulders, praying he hasn't noticed me yet.

"Hey, Oliver," Dora shouts, giving one of her best smiles, "don't try to steal Jacob away from me. I haven't finished with him yet."

I drop my head to my hands wondering why Dora has to be so stupid. It would be better if he didn't notice me at all. No drama. Eventually I have to turn around, only because I don't want him to think that I'm scared of him.

His eyes never dart on me. He is staring at Dora. "Sorry, Dor."

Jacob mutters something under his breath, approaches the table where we are sitting, and kisses Dora very passionately.

I want to curl under the table and disappear. Oliver's presence is giving me an anxiety attack. I'm suddenly drenched with sweat. Now he knows for sure that I stayed.

"Bye, babe, I'll see you later," says Jacob, ignoring me completely this time around.

Oliver is still standing in the same spot. The Essex girls are smiling, trying to gain his attention, but he turns around and stops by my food. He picks up the salt and empties it out straight into my chips and curry sauce.

"Enjoy your food, Indi," he says with a smile and walks away laughing.

For a long moment I don't even know what's happened. I stare startled as sweat rolls down my back. Everyone in the canteen is staring at me in silence.

"And you wouldn't even listen," Dora says bitterly. "I told you so. He is going to do anything to make your life difficult."

I shove my hands into my pockets, ignoring the stares. My mind is hollow. "I dare him try," I say through the gritted teeth.

"India, he owns Braxton. Maybe you should try to talk to him?" Dora says, flexing her fingers.

I don't respond. Instead, I pick up my tray and throw into the bin. Oliver just cost me lunch. If he thinks that he can bully me out of Braxton, then he is wrong. I'm staying and I'm not going to pay any attention to whatever he does.

"I don't care, Dora. I'm here for myself not for him, and I'm telling you he will lose that bet."

# Chapter five

#

# Challenge

## Past

Christian and Oliver showed up at my school when I was around ten.

Their mother went to talk to the headmaster and she asked them to wait for her on one of the benches outside my class. On the break between classes Oliver kept looking at me, but it was Christian who came up to me first and introduced himself. I wanted to be friends with them, because they were older and not from Gargle.

We became best friends shortly after that. Christian was loud, confident and he obviously liked me. Oliver was just the boy that was easy to talk to. He was quiet, lost in his own thoughts and liked to keep away from others.

They didn't have an easy life. Their mother had bipolar disorder. She shouted and threw things all over the house during her low times. It was always when she had too much to drink or when she fought with her husband. And being alone so much didn't help. Mr. Morgan always worked long and unsociable hours, traveling around the world with his business. He didn't seem to care about his family; for him the business was the most important.

When I was fifteen, Christian kissed me and told me that he wanted to me to be his girlfriend. Everyone always knew that we would end up together, but it took me a year to realize that I didn't love him. I preferred his younger brother. My heart raced every time I saw Oliver. But I was a coward. I didn't want to say no to Christian. He was an athlete and he was popular. Everyone in school was afraid of him. I was confused, but I hid my emotions well, so no one knew.

I carried on going out with Christian, afraid that I would lose all my friends if we broke up. Oliver was always a loner and people didn't like him. He lived in the shadow of Christian. No one would understand that I wasn't happy, so I just continued as Christian's girlfriend.

If Oliver knew the truth about his brother, he could understand my behavior from a few years ago. He could understand why I treated him that way.

## Present

Next day, it's just after six when I emerge from our apartment, glancing around, wondering if anyone is watching me. Today is my first rowing session and I'm excited. Dora hasn't even come home since Tuesday, so I assume that she is spending another day with Jacob. I shake my head, telling myself that Oliver has better things to do than watch me. He is part of my toxic past and I have to forget him.

I hate his new look. I hate that he is that hot handsome guy that everyone admires. He has everything that Christian had in high school. Girls are all over him. It's my fault that we can't even talk to each other now. After what happened with his brother, I told him that he failed me and I treated him like I didn't have a heart. He didn't fight back. He accepted the monster that grew inside me. Now I regret that I lost my soul; I should have told him the truth. When I first got here, seeing him pulled me right back to my old insecurities and nightmares. I accept what he is doing; after all it's nothing new. I was like him two years ago; I was the one in control.

I reach the gym feeling slightly nervous. I have been looking forward to this the whole week. I sign in at reception and change quickly, wondering if I will be the only one from the first-year students.

"Hey, I was told that this is the practice for the rowing team?" I ask, approaching the group of girls.

"Yes, great that you could make it. Let me introduce you to everyone," says a tall girl with a bright smile. "This is Piper, Jenna, Olivia, Mackenzie, and I'm Joanna."

I nod to everyone, and we start chatting about my experience. I notice that Mackenzie stares at me a bit longer than everyone else. Then I realize that she is the girl from the party, the same girl that Oliver was kissing in front of me. She stares, checking me out from head to toe. She is pretty, with long blonde hair and a perfect waist. I'm used to being fit, but this girl looks like she works out at least five times a week. She has a full glow tan and large round lips. Oliver never had a girlfriend before, but obviously he has one now. I had spread rumors in high school that he was gay and had an STD. That was why all the girls stayed away from him. Now he is not only popular, but it looks like all the girls are ready to jump into his bed.

After the short chitchat, we all take our places, each in a rowing machine for a short warm up. When Oliver had left Gargle, I ditched the cheerleader squad and started training in rowing. I felt like I needed to push out the pain and frustration, so I killed myself on the rowing machine. Oliver was gone and the memories from that night at the party kept hunting me down. After a few months apart I wanted to write to him and apologize, but I never sent the letters.

When he was no longer around I kept going to talk to his mother, feeling in that way I could ask for his forgiveness. Oliver's mother was always alone in the house, one son dead, the other on the other side of the country, and the husband who was never at home. Our conversations went on for hours, but I never revealed that terrible secret that has haunted me since her son's death. I helped her to make friends to feel better about herself, because it felt like I had Oliver back and I was somehow paying back for being so cruel. During the two years that he was gone, he never visited his mother, but I kept going there, ready to apologize to him if he showed up. She never told me that he changed his mind about Scotland.

At the time, the pain shattered through me, punching me back every time I opened my eyes in the morning. I slowly began to withdraw from all the parties and from my cruel self until I became a new India, the one that I am now.

Mackenzie's voice brings me back to the present. We all have to do five miles so she can figure out what kind of level we're all on. That's only half of the team. The rest of the girls have a session after us. Our coach is a middle-aged Eastern European guy in his forties. He seems cool enough.

I feel great after the session. All my muscles are pleasantly numb. I change quickly, as I need to do some grocery shopping before I get home. Dora never bothers to think about supper. I need to remember to check if she is actually coming home this evening.

"Hey, India, right?" a melodic voice says, as I'm just about to walk out of the changing room. I turn around to see Mackenzie who is watching me again. I don't get this girl. Why does she need to check me out all the time?

"Yeah, hey, what's up? Did you enjoy the training?" I ask, feeling a little insecure standing in front of her with no makeup at all.

She raises her left eyebrow and smiles. It's not a nice smile but one of those means ones. I've only seen her twice, but my intuition tells me that she always gets what she wants.

"I'm not here to chitchat with you about the rowing competition that I'm going to win," she says, smiling again.

I hate that smile. "I don't get it," I say, shrugging my shoulders.

She smirks, tossing her perfect blonde hair behind her. "I just wanted to find out what was so special about you."

"I'm sorry, but you're losing me."

"From what I heard, Oliver is adamant about making your life a living hell."

I try not to show that her words affect me, but it's not easy. I feel like the world is spinning too fast and I cannot do anything to stop this.

"Listen, Mackenzie, I don't really care about Oliver. If he wants to play games, then that's fine," I tell her, getting angry. "I worked my ass off to get here, and I'm not planning to leave just because of some silly bet." I might be pushed to a point, but after that I'll fight back. "What's that to you, anyway?"

She doesn't smile anymore but looks at me like I don't deserve having Oliver's attention. "I'm interested in him. And I would be careful if I were you. Oliver is going to win no matter what, so I would pack today and get the hell out of here. I'm telling you this as a friend."

"You aren't my friend, and I'm not planning to leave, so you can tell him to bring it on, whatever he wants to do." I don't wait for her to tell me what she thinks about what I just said. I turn around and leave the changing room.

As darkness falls on the streets, I walk home, still clenching my fists. It's official: Oliver will do anything to pull me back to the gloom. Maybe I should be worried. First Dora, now Mackenzie. Things really must have changed since he left Gargle. He is so much more confident and he is running this show.

I stop in the supermarket and do basic grocery shopping. Then I head home, feeling completely deflated. The apartment is empty. Dora just texted me saying that she isn't coming home tonight, that she is in the south part of Braxton with Jacob. I never thought that I could be sitting alone with no one to talk to, regretting that I hurt Oliver so much in the past. After Christian's death my coping mechanism stopped working when the pain was tearing me apart.

After doing some reading for a few of my classes, I dial Mum's number. I have spoken to her only once this week. Mum finished work a few hours ago, so right now she is probably watching soaps with my sister.

She picks up straightaway. "Hey, Indi."

"Hey, Mum," I reply, feeling a little homesick. I hear the TV in the background, so I know that she is still watching something.

"So, are you going to tell us all about Braxton? You have been very secretive lately," she says with her usual high-pitched tone.

"Classes started, so I got my timetable sorted, and I went to my first rowing session today," I announce proudly.

"That's great, sweetie. So how is Dora settling in? Do you like the campus?"

I don't respond immediately, wondering if I should mention anything about Dora finding a new boyfriend already. Mum knows Dora, but I don't think she realizes that my best friend doesn't settle in well in strange places without the company of men. "She is dating someone. A guy from the rugby team."

"Dora isn't wasting her time, I see. So how did she meet him?"

"By accident. Oliver threw the ball and it hit me and—"

"Hold on. Oliver? Do you mean Oliver Morgan? Christian's brother?" she asks, making that terrible assumption. Mum can tell that I'm talking about "my" Oliver because of my tone of voice. She always used to ask me why I went out with a guy like Christian. I want to bite my tongue and just forget about what I said, but I know that Mum won't let me.

"Yeah, it turns out that he is here in Braxton," I say quietly as the heat blazes over my spine. Even talking about him brings that unexpected twist in my stomach, the warmth that I can't get away from.

"Indi, what is he doing in Braxton? I heard from his mother that he was in Scotland."

"That's what I thought," I mutter. "But now he is here and he's changed, Mum. He cut his hair, started working out and he plays rugby."

"I sense that you aren't very happy about that, Indi. From what I remember, you guys kind of drifted apart." Mum always knows what is going on in my life, even if I don't. She knew that I stopped talking to him right after Christian's death.

"He is nothing like in high school. Here he is the captain of the rugby team and the girls are all over him. Dora thinks that he is amazing, but I'm annoyed that he ended up in Braxton. He knew that I always planned to end up here."

"Maybe that's why he is there, because of you. I haven't seen his mother in a while, but he had a scholarship in Scotland. He was doing really well, so I don't understand."

She is right. Oliver's decisions are confusing. He was always interested in politics and he was adamant about moving far away from his family. That's why he ended up in Scotland. He achieved that, but I don't get why he decided to throw all that hard work away. Dora mentioned that he is studying Sports and Management. I've known him all my life and he was never interested in sports. He couldn't even kick a ball. This doesn't make any sense. Maybe Mum is right: maybe Oliver moved here because of me, because he wants revenge.

But even if I agree with her, I don't intend to drag her into the subject of Oliver. "I don't think that I have anything to do with his decision. We don't talk. He made it clear that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me."

Mum and I talk about my classes, about Braxton and my plans. Mum has been out with a few guys, but she isn't dating anyone seriously. It's been almost five years since Dad died and she is finally starting to come back to her normal self. Then I chat with Josephine a little. My sister is currently studying for A-levels. She wants to be a doctor and is planning to come to Braxton in a few years.

Later I curl up in bed with my books and text Dora, trying to find out if she'll be at home tomorrow. She assures me that she needs a little time for herself, so I should expect her at home.

Then I fall asleep thinking about Oliver, wondering if deep down he really wants a payback. It's been two years. Maybe it's time to let go. We've both changed, but he still doesn't know what happened to me at that party. If he had been there, maybe things would be different now.

# Chapter six

#

# Going forward

## Present

The weeks pass by and everything is slowly falling into place. I attend my classes and rowing training not thinking about the fact that I'm a target. I'm aware that Oliver hasn't abandoned his cruel game. He still wants to get rid of me. Dora spends a lot of time in Jacob's house that he shares with Oliver and a few other guys. When we have a chance to see each other she gives me a full report on what is going on up there. Only last week she mentioned that she saw at least three girls leaving Oliver's bedroom in the space of a few days. Mackenzie was the one that left his room more often than the others.

Whenever Dora mentions him and who he is sleeping with my gut twists with jealousy. I don't even know why I care about those girls. They have him and they own him. He is my dark past. He is the shadow of his brother, no matter how much he's changed.

October passes and nothing has happened since that day in the canteen when Oliver ruined my food. I don't see him that often and when I do, he treats me like I don't exist. I tend not to notice him, but sometimes I feel like he is watching me, waiting for any moment of distraction.

I stayed and he doesn't seem to be bothered, but deep down I know that he is planning something. Christian was perfect in everyone's eyes, but I saw his dark side, his sadistic games and twisted thoughts. I understood him on much deeper lever than anyone else ever had, that's why he chose that time in the party to show me his true self. The pain that he caused shredded my soul and it still does. Bullying Oliver helped me to deal with the nightmare. If I made him miserable, I felt healed.

Rowing training is going well. In the past week I started seeing Oliver more than I would want because he keeps picking up Mackenzie just after the session. Every time they leave she gives me a smile as if she wants to show me that he is hers.

I beat her a few times, but she is much fitter than me. I don't know what I'm trying to prove to myself. That I'm better than her? That Oliver would change his mind and he would look at me the way he is looking at her? He will never forget what I did to him, and he would never choose me.

***

In the beginning of November I walk to the library hoping to study a few cases for the assignment that is due next month. I choose the quiet corner since I've got a few hours. I'm the only person in that section. I need to get on top of the reading. Some of the classes are tough, so I need to work harder for the good grades I want.

I haven't posted anything on my blog, but I'm planning to go to the cinema this weekend with Dora, if she hasn't made any plans already. It will be hard to persuade her to see a horror film. The library is peaceful and I'm glad that I'm the only one in the room. Braxton is my new home now, and it's much more than I imagined it would be.

I'm alone for the first hour, but after that a student takes the table in front of me. He is studying economics, judging from the materials that he has with him. He is tall, built like an athlete, with longish baby blond hair and flat nose. He stares at me for several seconds before he goes back to his books.

"Hey, have you got a pen?" he asks, smiling after a few minutes of intense searching in his pockets. I reach into my bag wondering if I brought any extra pens. Luckily, I find one and pass it to him. I have to give him points for a nice smile and his fabulous T-shirt. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like he has a foreign accent. Swedish or Norwegian maybe.

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it," I reply.

I get back to my case, and he starts taking out all his books. For the next hour and a half we both work in silence. Sometimes I have to read the text several times because I think that the guy in front of me keeps staring at me. I glance at him once or twice, but he doesn't look at me. My mind wanders off to Gargle. Mum insists that I visit before Christmas, but I'm not quite sure if I can take a break, I've got so much coursework to hand in before December.

"Hey, I'm going to be that lame guy and ask, what are you studying?" this blond guy with the cutest accent on this planet says unexpectedly. "I'm only asking because I need to have a reason to talk to you."

I lift my head and look into his incredible blue eyes. "I'm doing law, as you can see. Boring and predictable," I reply, smiling.

"Law. Wow, so you're brainy then?"

"No, just determined and probably stupid. I have no idea what is coming to me in the near future." I laugh. My films pushed me into studying criminal law. I'm just fascinated about the power that I could gain because of who I am. "By the way, I'm going to ask a lame question. Your accent, is it—"

"Swedish. Yeah, it's noticeable, I guess." He laughs.

"So what's a guy like you doing studying in the evenings instead of enjoying university life?" I ask, chewing my pen. It's only the beginning of the term.

He frowns, scratching his head, still staring at me. Then he gets up and walks to the table next to me and sits down. "The same as you, trying to study, but it was just a waste of time because I've been distracted since I came into the library."

"I don't get it; this is the best place to read. It's quiet," I tell him, feeling a little nervous talking to him. Since Christian's death I've mostly stayed away from men. I survived because I hated Oliver. I tried to date a few other guys, but after losing my virginity to some loser I gave up on acting normal. The panic attacks kept coming back, so I decided to stay away from the opposite sex.

He smiles, playing with the pen. "It's difficult not to get distracted if a beautiful girl like you sits in front of me."

I blush. "Sorry about that. I didn't mean to distract you."

"It's okay. I just needed an excuse to talk to you. I'm Alexander, by the way."

"India."

"Are you done with your reading?" he asks, getting up.

I don't know what to say or how to react. My stomach is in knots, and I glance around wondering if this is one of Oliver's traps or if he is watching me right now. "No, but I doubt that I could concentrate on this right now. I must have burned my brain."

"You'll probably think that I'm crazy or rude, but I want to take you out for a coffee. I know that we just met, but I might regret this for the rest of my life if I don't ask." He bites his lips, folding his large arms together.

I have to admit his accent is super cute and I like him being that forward. My demons won't leave me alone if I don't even try to move on. I need to give myself another chance and just start seeing men. Not all of them are bad.

"I think that might be a little bit difficult as the coffee shop is now closed. It's after nine." My voice cracks and I blush again. I don't know what is wrong with me. Alexander is probably a nice guy and I'm panicking because he took an interest in me. I need to get a grip.

He starts closing my books, smiling. His blue eyes are so different from Oliver's. I shake my head. Stop thinking about him. He isn't worth it.

"Don't worry, I know where we can go," he says, watching me intensely. "If you want to, that is."

What the hell. I can do this. "Yeah, sure. Why not?"

"Are you sure?"

I pack all my books in my rucksack and push him forward. "Chill, it's fine. I need to get out of here anyway."

Maybe I'm out of my mind pretending that I'm emotionally stable and agreeing to go out with some random guy that I just met, but I have to at least try. I can't stay miserable for the rest of my life.

It's raining when we get outside, but Alexander is prepared. He has an umbrella.

I keep telling myself that I'm going to be fine. Fifteen minutes later, we run to a small cozy bistro. He comes back with a liqueur coffee that I accept with a smile.

We start chatting away, and soon I realize that Alexander is a decent guy who has been in the UK for a while. He studied in Braxton last year and loved it so much that he decided to come back for the next year. He is originally from Oslo, studying economics. Alexander sounds like he really wants to get to know me. He asks the right questions and doesn't talk about himself all the time.

"So your friend Dora bailed on you for that new hot guy?" he asks, once I go over my past few weeks on campus. Dora is always a hot subject and I wish that she could be here with me. She always knows how to behave when it comes to guys. She can just wrap them around her little finger. Dora is an expert in flirting, like I used to be—before that terrible party at Christian's house.

Sipping my amaretto coffee, I start ranting about films and my blog for about half an hour. When I finally let him say something, he shares with me his obsession with extreme sports. It turns out that he is some kind of adrenaline junkie. He is doing a bungee jump next month somewhere in Cornwall. He lives in the south part of the city with a few French guys. We talk for while and before we even know, it's after eleven and I need to get going as I have an early lecture.

He walks me to my apartment that I share with Dora. "I had a really good time. Is it all right if I take your number?"

I hesitate. I have this odd gut feeling that I should say no, but Alexander seems like a nice guy.

He narrows his eyes, watching me closely before he adds, "Okay, I'm backing off. I know that I shouldn't ask, but I feel like I've known you for years."

"It's okay, of course. I'm such an idiot. I had a really good time as well."

Alexander types his number into my phone and smiles. "You're not an idiot; you're just careful, I presume," he says looking straight into my eyes. "I'm taking you to the cinema this weekend...of course if you don't have any other plans."

"That sounds good. I really wanted to see that new horror film, and I don't think that Dora would go. She isn't a big fan of scary movies."

"We got a deal then." He laughs.

I turn around and walk back to my apartment, and he goes off his way. Once I get in, I try to take a few deep breaths because my heart beats faster with every step. I can only hope that it's not another panic attack. I don't think I can handle any more disappointments. Our attraction is mutual. Alexander wouldn't ask me out again if he wasn't interested.

Instead of dwelling on what is going to happen, I take a long bath and call Dora. After all, she is my best friend, and when I tell her what's happened tonight she nearly has a flip. She is going to ditch Jacob tomorrow and meet me for lunch to discuss my new hot crush.

When I finally get her off the phone, I go to sleep wondering if I will be able to handle the date.

Then I remember the past and the way I treated Oliver.

## Past

Me and the rest of my pack had been spreading rumors around school that Oliver had an STD. Girls believed me even though I knew that Oliver didn't sleep around. It was just easier to hate him rather than carry on being friends with him and pretend that nothing had happened. Last week he was beaten up by big Richard because he stared at him for too long. I should have felt bad, but when I saw Oliver's face this morning I felt liberated from the pain that his brother had caused me. My physical wounds were healed, but I'd been left with large burn patches all over me. I lost the ability to function that night, and even after my mother informed me that Christian died, I didn't feel better. The relief sank in later. That night I wanted to slash my wrists and die. I told no one. Instead I kept away the secret. After all, Christian was now dead, so he couldn't pay for what he had done.

Hurting Oliver was just part of the healing process. When I passed him in the corridor, he looked at me with those empty eyes expecting me to apologize that he was beaten up. I was the only one who knew that the rumors about his STD were false, but I carried on hurting him, fighting for my survival.

The first couple of years I thought that I loved him unconditionally. Then after Christian's death I started hating him. He never understood why, but it was better that way. He didn't react when I insulted him in front of the girls, he just stood there watching me like it was all my fault that he couldn't stand up for himself.

## Present

When I meet Dora later on for lunch she doesn't stop nagging me with questions about Alexander, while Jacob stares at her like she is the only girl in the canteen. Today it's my second official date with Alexander, and I have been chewing my nails all day wondering if I should cancel. We are going to the cinema, but still, I have that bad gut feeling like something isn't going to go according to plan and I'll screw everything up. People are staring at me, more than usual. I feel like I'm under surveillance 24/7, like people are waiting to see how Oliver is going to win his bet.

It's just after lunchtime, when I see Oliver walking in with Mackenzie, scanning the space. I don't know if he notices me, but he tightens his grip around her shoulders, heading towards opposite side of the canteen. He looks relaxed and happy. I have never seen him like that, not even when his brother was alive. I try to spot Alexander, but he doesn't seem to be around.

"Oh, India, are you even listening?" Dora asks, throwing me away from my thoughts about Oliver.

"Yeah, sorry. I am now," I reply, pulling my hair in a tight knot. It seems like every girl in this room is aware that Oliver is here. Most of them are staring, the others whispering or giggling nervously. People used to react like that when I walked into the room. Others were aware of me because of Christian. He had power and people looked up to him—but only I knew about his dark, vicious side. No one else.

"So, what's the deal with that Swedish guy? I thought that you didn't want to date at all," she says, staring at me intensely.

"Dora, can we not have this conversation in front of Jacob? It's kind of personal," I hiss when Jacob leaves her table to talk to a group of guys.

"Chill out. Jacob is fine. He is on your side, so don't worry about him," she says, waving me off like it's not a big deal talking about my personal life in front of her new boyfriend —who is also a friend of the guy that made a bet to destroy me. Yeah, this can't get any more promising.

"If you want to talk to me, then I'll be at home after twelve," I tell her and get up.

"But, India! I want to see him. Don't be a bitch, come on," she calls after me. But I ignore her. She can't keep her mouth shut. A few people glance at me as I pass by carrying my tray.

Before I turn toward the bins, I trip on something and fall on my face. My tray flies through the air in slow motion, slopping the food everywhere. I crash on the ground making a hell of a noise. For a split second or two no one reacts, as I try to pick myself up off the ground.

"Sorry there. I didn't see you," says someone. I hear the laughs all around me, and I turn to see a tall dark-haired bloke who is smirking. Then he gives the thumbs up to someone on the other side of the canteen. I follow his gaze, pissed, but my jaw drops when I spot Oliver, who is laughing with Mackenzie and nodding towards the bloke.

A cold sweat covers my body from head to toe; our eyes meet only for a brief moment. He looks satisfied and indulged by my humiliation. Everyone in the canteen is staring and laughing at me. I pick myself up, trying to cover my scarlet face. I run towards the entrance, forgetting about food, still hearing Oliver's laugh behind me.

He should be satisfied. He got what he wanted. I fell over and made myself look like a right idiot. God, I hate Oliver so much that it hurts. I have been squishing the truth deep inside me when he was around, not able to let it go.

A year after he vanished from Gargle I bought a ticket to Edinburgh. I was ready to see him. I had a year to think about what I'd done and the way I'd treated him. A year to gain the courage to tell him the truth. The day I was scheduled to leave I went to see his mother to tell her what I planned. When I got there, she was lying unconscious on the sofa with a bottle of pills in her hand. That day I didn't go anywhere. I stayed until the ambulance came and then later her husband. I wrote more letters, but yet again I never had the guts to send them.

# Chapter seven

#

# Bully

## Present

Sadly, I don't see Alexander on campus that day. I think that Dora was right: Oliver will do anything to crush me, hurt me, and show that he won't leave me alone until I disappear. The bet is only there to prove his point. I try to get on with my lectures while everyone keeps staring and whispering behind my back. I know it's because of Oliver. He is everywhere.

By the time I get home, I feel like I should curl in bed and hide, but I don't want to miss my date with Alexander. To take my mind off today's events I have a shower and take my time with makeup. My hands are shaking when I put my clothes back on. It's been a year since I went out on a proper date with anyone. Men make me nervous and the past still haunts me. Slowly and steadily, I'm going to get there.

A few hours later, Alexander picks me up at my apartment. He looks handsome and he complements me. My nerves are slowly eating me away. My pulse is racing and my chest is tight, so I excuse myself to the rest room once we reach the cinema. For a long moment I stand in front of the mirror, hoping that this panic attack will pass. Nothing seems to be going according to plan. I keep telling myself that I'll be fine and I can go through with this.

Finally, my breathing comes back to normal. When I leave the bathroom Alexander seems concerned, but I lie and say that I'm fine. Once we're inside the screening I try to relax. Our last date was perfect, so I don't want to ruin anything for him.

Soon the film starts, and I lose myself in the undiscovered fictional world. Alexander seems to be absorbed with what is happening on the screen. We talked while we were walking here, and he seemed to be really interested in this film. Halfway through the screening, I begin to wonder if Alexander is really that into me. A few times I cover my face with my hands pretending that I'm scared, but he doesn't try to touch me once or comfort me in any way.

During one particular scary scene, I grab his hand and hold it for several minutes, expecting him to pull me towards him. What I get is a smile and pat in the back.

I don't try it again, wondering if I missed something. After the film is finished, we have a quiet drink in one of the bars in town. Alexander asks about my interest in criminal law and my obsession with films. I give him the address to my blog.

The date is pleasant, but he doesn't seem to be as relaxed as on the first date. The chemistry between us is suddenly gone. Maybe I'm paranoid and he is just a gentleman. He walks me to my apartment. All of a sudden I feel like that perfect date in the coffee shop wasn't so perfect anymore, because the connection that we had is gone. Alexander looks tense when we stop in front of the entrance to my apartment.

"I was just wondering if you are doing anything this weekend?" he asks.

Right, now I'm totally confused. At first he does everything to show me that he isn't that into me and now he is asking me what I'm doing this weekend.

I shift my weight to the side and look at him, raising my eyebrow. "Nothing, no plans as usual," I reply, smiling.

"There is a secret party that I have been invited to. Do you want to come along?" he asks, smirking.

"A secret party?" I ask "You know that I don't party that much."

"I'll get the text an hour before with the details. Come on, let me take you out," he says leaning closer. For a long moment we stare at each other. My heart begins to race. Alexander's lips turn up in a smile, and I know that this is the moment that I have been waiting for. He is going to kiss me.

"Give me a call on Saturday. I don't mind going," I say quietly.

"Great. See you on Saturday, India," he says, and then he turns and hurries away. For a moment I stand there completely startled, watching as he walks away. He had a perfect opportunity to kiss me, but he just left me here, hanging. Sighing, I walk back to the apartment. It takes me a while to find the keys.

"Hey, come here and start talking," Dora says, pulling me back on the sofa. I forgot that I told her to wait up for me.

"Is that ice cream you've got there?" I ask as she hides something behind the sofa.

"You will get some if you tell me everything that happened. Did he kiss you?" she asks as soon as I flop on the sofa next to her.

"It was a total disaster."

"What? Why?"

"He didn't kiss me and he didn't even try anything in the cinema. Then he just invited me to some random party on Saturday and left," I explain, indulging myself with the delicious ice cream that Dora finally decides to share. I would've had so much more fun if I'd stayed at home and eaten the whole tub. "What is wrong with me, Dora? Why do men hate me?"

"They don't hate you. It's Oliver. I told you that he made a bet with others. Alexander isn't from here. Someone probably saw you with him and decided to tell him to ditch you."

I might have to agree with Dora's version. "All right, maybe, but he invited me for a party on Saturday night. This doesn't make any sense."

"Well, I don't know, then. I would come with you, but Jacob is taking me to London this weekend. He has something planned for us," she tells me with the wide smile.

"London? But you've only known each other a few weeks. And you're already going away together?"

"He suggested it, and I said yes. He is nice, India. I kind of like him, more than the others."

"He is also Oliver's best buddy. Maybe it's just part of the plan to get you on his side," I suggest, feeling sick in my stomach that Oliver would be capable of doing something like that. After all, he learned it from me, so I wouldn't be surprised if he'd use Dora to get to me.

"I think you're being paranoid. Oliver is hot, girls are queuing to get his attention, and I don't believe that he would use his own friend just because you bullied him in high school."

"It wasn't just bullying, Dora. I kind of ruined his life."

"We both did, but it's you he is determined to pay back." She sighed. "Just keep your eyes open. He ruined your food the other day. I don't think he knows what to do. He hasn't got a plan, so I wouldn't worry about it."

I don't offer my own comment and let her believe that she is right. She obviously didn't see him in the canteen. The way he was pouring that hatred out like he didn't give a flying fuck if I was alive or dead.

We chat a bit more until Dora tells me that I shouldn't have taken him to the zombie film as that probably clicked him off. I like Alexander and the way he is, but today's date sure didn't go according to plan.

I change into my pajamas and put Beth Orton music on. I love her soft tunes. Her music always calms me down. Just before I go to bed I check my mobile, but Alexander didn't send me any text messages. Maybe this is just the way Swedish men are with women. They like to leave them hanging. I need to let him know that I'm not one of those women.

***

The rest of the week passes in a blur. Mackenzie gives me a hard time during training. She keeps describing her intense nights with Oliver loud enough for me to hear when we're in the changing room. I shouldn't be jealous, but I can't help imagining her face when I win the competition in front of the whole crowd, waiting for Oliver to congratulate me. It's lame. He would never do that.

I see Alexander during lunch. He sits with a bunch of French students. He can see me, but he doesn't approach me or try to talk to me, which is odd. We had a great time, but now he treats me like he doesn't even know me. Dora thinks that he is gorgeous but gay. He confuses me so much.

I don't hear back from Alexander until Saturday night. Dora left for London with Jacob yesterday, packing a suitcase of clothes. She told me to go out and have a good time if Alexander calls, but now I'm not so sure. On Saturday morning I wake up feeling refreshed and ready for a long TV show marathon with my favorite CSI Miami.

I buy a lot of junk food and stay in bed with my laptop until early evening. My phone starts ringing later on and I don't pick up, seeing that it's Alexander. After around five phone calls, I give up and answer.

"What?"

"India, it's me, Alex."

"I know. What the hell do you want?"

"Chill, India," he says like everything is fine. "Are you all right?"

"Why are you even calling me? I haven't heard from you for the whole week. You didn't even text or talk to me in the canteen," I tell him, knowing that I have to put my cards on the table. "Just spare me the tears later on. Does Oliver have something to do with this?"

"India, I don't know what are you talking about," he says, sounding tense. "And I have no idea who Oliver is. Is he your boyfriend or something?"

I don't respond straightaway, wondering if I've gone too far. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Alexander is Swedish; he has no idea about Oliver. He doesn't even play rugby.

"No, he isn't. I told you, I don't have a boyfriend," I reply, feeling mortified. "I'm—"

"No, don't apologize. Just listen, I'm sorry that I didn't call you earlier. I felt like an idiot, because I really wanted to kiss you that night, but I panicked. Then I thought that you wouldn't want to talk to me, so I avoided you," he says, sounding uneasy.

"You really wanted to kiss me?" I ask quietly. There is a silence on the other line.

"Yeah, and I won't stop bugging you until you give me another chance," he assures me. "Let me take you to that party. I just got the text."

"What text?"

"You know, about the secret party, the one I told you about," he says. "It's a pajama party dress code."

"Pajama party? You're kidding me, right?"

"No, of course not. A few girls that I know have been invited. They are wearing sexy nighties. Those instructions are pretty clear."

I roll my eyes, already imagining what kind of party he is talking about. The house probably belongs to a single student who wants to see half naked girls in their sexy nighties.

"I don't know. I don't want to show up in my lingerie. It's embarrassing. I don't know anyone there."

"No one knows anyone there, and that's the whole point. It's totally sexy, plus I want to see you," he insists. "It's Saturday night, India, so come on, we'll have fun."

"All right, but I'm not wearing anything too revealing," I tell him, laughing.

"I'm sure that you'll look amazing. I'll pick you up in half an hour. Can you be ready by then?"

"Yes, I'll be ready."

Then he hangs up, and I wonder where Dora is when I need her the most. She would know what I should wear. It's freezing outside so I would wear something to cover myself up. I jump out of bed and search for the one and only nighty that I've got. My butt is covered, but I look sexy, and that's what matters. Other girls will probably wear much more revealing stuff, and I can turn up looking like some kind of prude.

I put a full face of makeup on, one with smoky eyes, and style my hair. My nighty cover is black with lace mesh and pattern in front.

When my doorbell rings, I let Alexander upstairs. He is wearing grey pajama pants and a vest revealing his large arms. I can tell he works out. His eyes pop open as he stares at my body. I'm not bad looking, and after a few weeks of rowing I'm much more fit than before.

"Wow, India, you look hot. That's the look that I was talking about."

I add high heels and put my coat on. "Are you sure that it's not too much?"

"It's perfect. Everyone will love it, trust me," he adds, smiling.

He orders a taxi for us, and we reach our secret destination fifteen minutes later. The cold breeze ruffles my hair as we get out of the taxi. We are most definitely on a street filled with student parties. The terrace house in front of us looks busy. I can hear the loud music and my stomach tightens.

Alexander doesn't let me change my mind. He suddenly takes my hand and brings me toward his body. "I've got to do this before we go in," he says, and then his lips crush mine.

I'm not prepared for this, but I part my lips, enjoying his sensual kiss. His lips are sweet, but he only lets me taste him for a brief second or so, before he pulls away. It's pleasant and once we are done he smiles, standing in front of the door.

I blush, smiling. "That was unexpected," I say, looking at him. He looks slightly tense and I wonder if he is nervous. "What are we waiting for?"

"We need to take off our coats, otherwise they won't let us in," he says. It's cold and it's already dark so I doubt that anyone would notice us here. We both take our coats off, and then Alexander knocks. Someone opens the door and Alexander tells me to go in.

There are a lot of people, but none are dressed like I am. The alarm bells go off in my head. We both walk into the living room, and I feel like someone drops a bucket of stones down into my stomach. Suddenly I can't breathe, seeing that other people aren't wearing any pajamas. I look at Alexander who is standing by the door watching me carefully. Some people start laughing at my silly nighty, pointing at me like I'm some kind of freak.

Heat creeps over my entire face. "Alex, what is going on? I thought you said that this is a pajama party?"

"Sorry, Indi, I was only doing what I was asked to do," he says in a different voice narrowing his eyes. "I'm sorry to say, but you don't even know how to kiss."

"We didn't order a stripper, Indi. Plus your legs are too fat for what you're wearing," says deep familiar voice. The air freezes in my lungs when I notice Oliver coming out from the corner. So, this is a trap. Obviously, Oliver asked Alex to bring me here, to pretend that he was interested. I was so naive to have fallen into that old school joke.

People laugh out loud, and I stand there rooted to the spot, looking like a complete moron. Oliver's eyes harden on me; then he lifts his phone and takes my picture. His eyes then move downwards to my breasts, my legs.

Then I do the only thing that's right. I turn and walk away.

"Come on, where are you going, Indi? Show us what you got; everyone is waiting," Oliver shouts and people laugh harder.

When I get to the door, I see Mackenzie. She is standing with her arms folded together, staring at me. She looks good wearing a tight black dress. "You've got to work out more, sweetie." She smirks. "I told you he'd get you one way or another."

I brush past her and storm out of the house. My hands are shaking and tears are steaming down my eyes. I don't care that I'm standing half naked in the middle of a busy street on Saturday night. Oliver got what he wanted. I was mortified. A few years ago I played exactly the same prank on him. I should have remembered.

I run as fast as I can. People stare, but I don't stop until I reach my apartment.

My phone keeps vibrating, but when I finally lock my door I cry out, punching the wall and bruising my hand. How could I be so stupid and believe that anyone could be interested in me?

The pain is fresh and the memories of that party from a few years ago flood back to me. I fall onto my couch, sobbing until I'm finally numb and empty. Oliver hates me and he proved to me tonight that his bet is real.

I check my phone, as it keeps vibrating, and I see tons of Facebook notifications. People took my picture as soon as I stepped into the living room, and they've posted it and tagged me. There are comments, some laughing at me, other blokes congratulating Oliver. The girls are telling me how ugly I look and how fat I am.

I toss my phone on the floor, pissed off. Oliver just showed me that I never meant anything to him.

Then my phone starts vibrating again, but I just leave it there. He is digging deeper than I thought; he is letting me taste what he was going through when I bullied him. I did many more horrible things to him when he was in high school. He suffered constant abuse from guys and he was the subject of nasty gossip. I lie on my couch, unable to move, feeling like there is a large hole in my chest. I finally got what I deserved.

My life in Braxton will only get worse, so maybe I should give up and leave. Now Oliver is empowered by my pain and humiliation. He enjoys seeing me hurt.

I sob into the pillows as the memories of that terrible night with Christian sink in. Oliver is just like his brother now, cold and devious. He found his way to get to me. All my wounds are slowly opening up.

I doze off shortly, exhausted. In my dreams, I'm my old self, confident and popular.

***

The fire alarm stirs me back to consciousness. I rub my eyes, wondering if the porter downstairs decided to test it in the middle of the night, to get people out of the building.

The alarm doesn't stop ringing for about a minute, so I assume that I should get out of my apartment, as it's probably a real fire.

People are hurrying towards the entrance, and I'm still in my nighty running to the stairs. I barge into the laundry room hoping to find a jacket. After the incident with Oliver I don't fancy standing outside dressed like a hooker. I hear someone shouting to get out. The laundry room is dark. I search for the switch, wondering if this day can get any worse. I know that I left my clothes to dry here in the morning.

Then I hear steps and someone locks the door.

"Hey, you need to get out of here. The fire alarm," I say, annoyed. As my eyes get used to the darkness I spot a silhouette of a man. He takes a few steps forward and my mind starts screaming that I should get the hell out of here.

"Hello, Indi."

It's like I'm in my own nightmare, but this time it's all happening for real. My heart leaps in my throat as I stumble backwards. "Oliver, what the—"

He doesn't let me finish. Instead he moves toward me in the blink of an eye and pushes me against the wall. Every muscle in my body locks, and fear jets through me with the awareness that history is about to repeat itself.

"I needed to see you again," he mumbles. "I've missed you so much."

His breath reveals that he's had way too much to drink. I'm frozen, unable to move and completely startled with his closeness. Before I can even anticipate his next move, his lips are on mine, and he kisses me hard. Alarm bells are going off in my mind; a voice screams to push him away, but the heat that suddenly embraces my body is unbelievably real. Desire whisks through me as he slips his tongue inside my mouth.

A short gasp escapes me as he sucks on my bottom lip, making a sound in the back of his throat. His hips push into me harder.

"Beautiful India," he cracks, moving his lips down my neck, making my senses swirl like my body isn't mine anymore. I don't know what is happening to me. He crushed me, humiliated me, and now he is kissing me like he owns me. His hands move down around my waist and I feel his erection just by my thigh. His lips are sweet, but deep down I find the strength to push him away.

"Oliver, what the hell are you doing?" I ask, breathing hard.

He darts his eyes towards me, his face only inches away from mine. "You ruin me, India," he whispers, stepping away as if he just realized what he did. "This is what you lost. My brother didn't mean anything. You always wanted me."

My chest heaves and everything around me spins out of control. I want him to accept me, to love me, but I'm afraid to let go of the hatred that protected me. I have a chance to tell him everything now, to make him understand.

"Fuck Oliver, if you want to hear this from me, then, yes, I admit it," I tell him, shaking. The tears are back, running down my cheeks. "Yes, I did love you more than I loved Christian. And I wanted to apologize to you, but I was a coward, so I never did it."

He runs his hand through his hair looking at me with desperation. "You ruined my life because you lost a man that you didn't even want?" he whispers. "It's too late. Leave Braxton. I'm giving you another chance. Let me carry on living a normal life."

I clench my fists, chewing my lips, watching Oliver's chest rise and fall. I have a chance to tell him everything now, ask him for forgiveness, make him understand why I did all these horrible things to him after his brother died. "I can't change the past, but I want to apologize. And to explain. Christian, he—"

"Fuck your apology. I don't want to hear about it and I don't need it. Christian left us, died in a car crash!' he shouts, not even allowing me to finish. "We could have helped each other deal with the pain, but instead you pushed me away, hurt me and cut me to pieces."

"Oliver, we can start again. Please if I could change what I did I would," I cry, moving towards him.

He laughs.

"Too little, too late, India. You're pathetic and you make me sick. I don't want to hear any more bullshit that comes out of that mouth of yours."

We stand looking at each other. He is right: I'm a pathetic human being because I'm still afraid of the truth. I could have explained this years ago, but instead I locked my emotions away and violated Oliver through hatred and cruelty.

"You're right, and I can't make you forgive me," I reply. "But I won't leave Braxton just because you can't deal with me being here."

"Do what you want, but you don't realize what I'm capable of. It's only the beginning. The past will come back hunting you down, and in a few months you will wish that you had left when you had a chance," he says, throwing my remorse into the mud without a thought.

I failed again.

I slide down on the floor, breathing as if I can't get any air. It's all my fault. The pain is back, and I'm burning alive while Oliver is watching. His eyes are empty, and I know that he is right.

It's only the beginning.

# Chapter eight

# Memories of him

## Past

Dora threw a Halloween party while her mother was out of town and she asked me to help her organize it. We both wanted to see older guys and drink without being judged. I was going to turn seventeen in a few months and I wanted to start the celebrations early. Other girls kept saying that I had good taste in music and guys of course.

I told Mum a few days in advance that Dora and I were planning a sleepover. She trusted me and I never gave her a reason not to. In the past few weeks I'd been having nightmares, the same dream every time at exactly the same time. I kept waking up in the middle of the night drenched with sweat, still remembering his hands on my body. I had to do something to piss Oliver off. This was the only way that I could stop the nightmares. Hurting him would push the demons away for some time. He never fought back, and I felt like he wanted to show me that he didn't care if I hurt him or not. It had been a while since I'd done anything to humiliate him and it was time to show him that I was still strong and more powerful than him.

A few months passed, and I was trying to come to terms with everything that happened between Christian and me. Dating hadn't been easy and a lot of guys wanted to take Christian's place. He'd been popular, handsome and was just about to leave Gargle to start his rugby career in Uni before he died. During one night with Bryan I let him go further than anyone else. We had sex, but the whole time that he was on top of me I was trying not to burst into tears. That night was meaningless, but he wanted more.

Christian had broken the shell of my heart when he touched me and violated me like no other man ever did. I kept my secret away from everyone, afraid if they knew the truth others would blame me, saying that I brought this on myself. I was his girlfriend, so I was supposed to sleep with him. My mother and even Dora had no idea that Christian had become a real monster in the last few moments of his life. It was easy to pretend, I learned fast and I played with my shattered emotions.

A week before the party at Dora's house, we started inviting people from school. Dora was planning to send official invitations in a day or two. We all knew that no one expected Oliver to show up. Other teenagers didn't want to be associated with a loser like him. Me, on the other hand, I had to become someone else for a night.

"I put Cerry in charge of invitations," Dora said while we were in her bedroom making a list of things that we needed to buy for the party.

"Why Cerry? I thought that you didn't like her?" I asked, painting my toenails. Another party—that would bring a storm of memories and anxiety. Deep down I didn't want to go, but Dora was my best friend and she would get mad if I didn't show up.

"You know she adores me, so I wanted to let her feel responsible for something in the party," said Dora, brushing her hair. "What about Oliver? Should we leave him alone or push him a little more?"

Her room was spacious and filled with fashion magazines and beauty products. It had been three months since my tense conversation with Oliver at Christian's funeral. He tried to talk to me after that, but I could only fight back. My coping mechanism was crushed. Every time he looked at me, it was like he wanted an explanation of why I treated him that way.

"It's a party for everyone else; he knows that he is not welcome." I relished putting some foundation on my fair skin. It was hard to look in the mirror these days because I kept seeing my pathetic self when I couldn't bring myself to fight Christian. I should have called the police or told Dora, but I let him dictate what he wanted to do with me.

Dora started chewing her bottom lip, thinking hard about what I said. I taught her well. We both spread rumours about Oliver since school started. He was trying to blend in after his popular brother died, but I didn't let him.

"He will show up if there's an invitation for him," she said, giggling. "My parties are always successful. We can sent an invite tomorrow, asking him to dress up."

My best friend was already thinking ahead. The whole school had been talking about her party and we were sending invitations the next day. We told people what to expect. Although it was Halloween, Dora didn't want anyone to dress up, but Oliver didn't know that no one would be wearing costumes. I could already picture him showing up dressed in some outrageous costume and making an absolute full of himself.

"What should we make him wear?" she asked.

I smiled, pretending that I was thinking about her idea. I was ready to hit him hard, and gain the comfort that came from making him pay for what Christian did to me, for not showing when he'd said he would. I had the rest of the year to play with him before he would disappear. Once he was gone, then he'd be gone forever. Because there was nothing to keep him here in Gargle, our small town in the South East of England, not even his ill mother.

"The costume of a vampire would be awesome, perfect for Halloween. Can you imagine? He shows up dressed like that, while everyone else looks amazing. Malcolm and the rest of the crew will destroy him," I said, laughing. But inside I knew I was sick; I needed a therapist. This wasn't a normal behaviour. Feeding on someone's pain just to deal with my own. Maybe I was pushing this too far.

"I was thinking maybe more like an animal outfit," Dora said, looking reluctant. "He will look like a fool in front of everyone if he shows up dressed with that typical cliché vampire outfit."

I didn't know what her problem was. She came out with that idea, and now she looked like she wanted to back out. "We want to humiliate him. It's that or nothing."

"Okay, but I don't get it. Why do we keep doing this?"

She wanted to know why I was such a bitch to Oliver and why I started hating him. Dora had never questioned my cruel intentions before; she just got on with it.

I got up and paced around her room, trying to come up with some lame excuse.

"Because it's fun, isn't it?" I asked, doing everything I could to keep tension out of my voice.

"I know it's fun, but there must be a reason. I mean he never really did anything to you, did he?"

"He just exists. That's a good enough reason," I said turning around. "Now let's think about the music."

It was that simple. I might have lost my confidence after the night with Christian, but I was still a coldhearted bitch and I needed to feed the demons in order to survive. We stayed in her room for the rest of the evening and wrote an invitation to Oliver.

Next day, Dora sent it, and I shared our plan with the rest of the girls. They loved it. Yeah, I injected them with hatred and they were like me: ruined from the inside out.

At school, I watched how people talked about the party and showed invitations to each other. Oliver kept coming to school, but he didn't interact with anyone, so he had no clue what to expect. He wasn't part of the social circle since I'd started bullying him.

When Halloween night came, I decided to wear a long black sparkly dress and high heels. When I showed up at Dora's house, everyone loved my outfit. A group of older guys surrounded us, Bryan handed me a beer, and then Dora blasted loud music. She'd sent Oliver an invitation to show up at ten o'clock. It was a gamble. Oliver was intelligent, but the rumours about party at Dora's house had been going on for ages. Oliver couldn't suspect anything, but he was probably surprised that he got an invite.

No one wore a costume that night. Girls blended in talking to the guys while I got drunk, hoping to forget why I was really there. I was nearly seventeen and underage, but this was a Halloween night and Dora's guests were well behaved. The music was great, and Bryan stuck to me, trying to take me to one of the rooms upstairs, but I couldn't bring myself to do it again. I was waiting to see Oliver and the way he would react when he discovered our prank. My feelings for him remained unchanged. I loved and hated him all at the same time.

"Do you think that he'll show up?" asked Cerry around nine, holding a large glass of wine.

"I hope so. He is the entertainment for this evening." I laughed and drank some more beer. My mind was spinning already. I kept hearing voices and seeing dead Christian by the door and that look on his face that said "you are mine and I won't let you go until you give me what I want."

I went to the bathroom after I got rid of Bryan. Making out with him wasn't on the agenda that night. He wanted to take Christian's place, but no one stood a chance. I reapplied my makeup, wondering if I was ever going to feel normal again.

Dora lived in a large detached house with five bedrooms. Downstairs was an open plan where most people were dancing. I left the bathroom five minutes to ten and stood on the top of the stairs watching people.

At exactly ten o'clock someone opened the door and Oliver showed up. He was pushed inside by a few guys before he could even make out what was going on. As I suspected, he went for a full-on vampire costume. He had white powder all over his face. He looked hideous. People started laughing and pointing at him. Boys, his brother's old mates, started throwing garlic at him. Soon someone fetched the camera and started taking pictures.

Oliver scanned the space. He hid his emotions well enough. I could tell he was looking for someone. I didn't know how he could be so immune to all these insults. I'd never seen him angry; he was just taking it, not reacting. I froze when he spotted me on the top of the stairs. For the first time in three months, panic seized me and I wanted to start running.

He started walking towards me, but he was soon blocked off by Bryan.

"Sorry, mate," Bryan said. "You showed up at the wrong party, so fuck off before Dora asks us to throw you out."

Oliver narrowed his eyes and punched him in the face. This came so unexpected for Bryan that he didn't even have a chance to react. Everyone in the room looked completely startled.

Oliver took that opportunity and climbed the stairs, stopping in front of me. His blue eyes widened. I stood there completely paralysed, feeling like I was staring at Christian again during that night when he challenged me about Oliver. I didn't know what to do or how to react. My heart started pounding. The air was trapped in my lungs. He was doing something to me, taking away the release that I was hoping would come.

"Are you having fun?" he asked "You can keep doing what you doing, but I know that one day I'll have power over you and you're going to pay. Remember this, India. I'll be still standing up when you're down."

I wanted to respond, I wanted to tell him that he was wrong, but it was like I was seeing Christian in front of me and he was just about to strip me of my dignity and virtue. By the time I was ready to speak again, Oliver turned around and walked back to the door. Downstairs, all the girls were staring at me. They couldn't hear what Oliver said to me because the music was still loud.

Bryan was back on his feet and, along with other guys, they grabbed Oliver and pushed him outside. They wouldn't let him get away with what he'd done to Bryan. I looked out the window, and with a smile on my face, I watched how they threw punches at him. A few minutes later they were back in the house.

Oliver got up slowly and looked at the window where I was standing. His face was covered in blood. Everything was settled then; I felt that my power was back because I was seeing him hurt. He didn't get it and he wouldn't until two years later.

Until I wrote that letter that changed our future forever.

# Chapter nine

# Conversationalist

## Present

I run through these memories in my head knowing that I shouldn't torture myself like that. Dora already knows what happened to me on Saturday night. I haven't seen her since Friday. She came back home when I left for a lecture in the morning. She has been texting me all the way through my Criminal law class, demanding I see her for lunch. As soon as the lecture is finished, I walk to the canteen. I know that if I keep ignoring her, she will just keep nagging until I tell her everything, so I might as well get it over with and talk to her now.

Throughout the weekend I've been getting more and more Facebook notifications. And people were laughing at me during the class lecture. Guys have been asking me if they could rent me for a night. I tried to ignore them and just get on with my day, but it's difficult to behave as if nothing happened. Oliver confuses me. He made so much effort to humiliate me in my new environment, and then he kissed me. His behaviour doesn't make any sense. It's like he wants to show me what I lost two years ago. Maybe this is just a part of his plan. His kiss finally took all the pain away and for a few seconds I felt like I was myself again—before the party, before Christian hurt me.

"There you are," says Dora, sitting at my empty table. People are still laughing when I walk by, but my best friend glows. Obviously her trip to London with Jacob went well. "Let's go somewhere quiet where we can talk properly."

"I'm fine here. Besides, I'm starving," I reply, shoving a large portion of sausage casserole down my throat. Food helps and I'm doing everything I can to look like I'm not affected by what's going on around me. If Oliver sees me in a complete meltdown, then he will know that he's won.

Dora arches her eyebrows, giving me one of her irritating stares. "How are you holding up, India? I go away for a weekend and next thing I know you let him humiliate you again. You should have known that it was a setup, because you and I have done the very same thing. Remember the Halloween party?"

"I'm fine. So stop making a scene. Of course I remember it," I hiss, ignoring other people in the canteen who are staring at us like they're expecting some kind of confrontation. "But I had no idea that Alexander was only doing what Oliver asked him to do. You told me yourself to go out and enjoy myself."

"Yeah, it's not your fault, but you should have told me that Alex asked you to dress up. I thought he just wanted to take you out." Dora looks even more upset than I am, and I don't get it. She usually never showed any empathy towards anyone else, especially me.

"It's done now. My pictures are all over Facebook. Oliver might have humiliated me, but I'm not planning to leave," I tell her, chewing my food.

"I thought that he was joking about this whole bet. I didn't expect him to take this that seriously."

"What? You warned me yourself. After what I did to him in high school it was obvious that he wasn't joking."

"Yeah, I know, but I just thought that he would play with you. Maybe I should talk to Jacob and tell him to talk to Oliver. He can make him stop, you know."

"Don't you dare, Dora. Oliver can keep crushing me how ever much he wants. But I'm not weak. Can't you see I'm fine? I don't care what other people think about me. It's Braxton, not Gargle. They will get bored eventually."

"Maybe, but what about your reputation? If you want to find a date—"

"Dora, stop it, will you?" I say, a bit louder than I intended. "Oliver is a tool and I told you that I'm not interested in dates. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I mean it."

She doesn't respond but stares at me for a couple of minutes like she's expecting me to start crying. I need to get out of here before the rugby team shows up ruining my lunch. The truth is that I'm not fine. I hate that people could see me in my underwear at that party. I hate that all the girls are pointing out how fat I am. Dora has a perfect figure. But I'm athletic, not skinny like other girls.

"Are you sure that you're all right? People were writing pretty nasty stuff on Facebook," she asked quietly.

"I'm good, so can you please stop asking me? Let's just change the subject. Tell me about your trip to London."

The panic finally floods away when Dora starts talking. Oliver will keep pushing me to the edge, but I'm stubborn. I will keep trying to gain his forgiveness. As Dora goes through what she bought and what she saw in London, I form a new plan in my head. It's time to talk to Oliver and tell him the reason I treated him like he was no one back in high school.

When I finish my lunch, I tell Dora that I have to run to class. During class lectures I make notes, but I can't concentrate well enough. Am I really ready to tell Oliver what kind of brother he lost? Am I ready to go through this nightmare again?

Christian didn't have an excuse to treat me viciously, but I should have seen it coming. Whenever his mother was going through a crisis, he kept running off, leaving Oliver and me to deal with her.

It's early afternoon when I'm finished with classes and I know that Oliver has a training session today. Dora complained to me in her morning text that Jacob chose to go to training rather than to see her. Dora can be overwhelming sometimes. She expects too much from guys, and Jacob should already know this, but he doesn't seem to mind.

I walk to the sports centre, which is on the other side of campus. My hands are shaking and I start doubting myself, wondering if this is a good idea after all. I need to clarify what he wants from me. He kissed me, and that always has some consequences.

I decide to wait for him outside. His training should be finished soon. I play this scenario in my head, thinking if I'm brave enough to explain everything, that he will understand.

What if he refuses to talk to me? What if he won't believe me?

I stand there for twenty minutes before I see a few guys coming out of the hall laughing. I spot Jacob, who walks out with Oliver. My heart starts thumping in my chest for several seconds and I stand there immobile. Jacob spots me first. He tells Oliver and his eyes move to look my way. My heart is beating so fast and hard now that I can't catch my breath. It has to be now or never. He hasn't got a choice; he has to tell me what kind of game he was playing with me. I'm not the India from high school. It's time to swallow my pride and face him.

I started walking towards them, playing this whole conversation in my head.

Jacob shakes his head, and a few other guys are glancing back at me.

I hear them say, "This is the chick from the party."

"Yeah, the one Olie wants to end."

I stop in front of them, but Oliver ignores me, looking away, then he starts walking in the opposite direction.

"Oliver," I say, "are you going to run away or are you going to face me like a man?"

He stops few meters from me. Jacob glances back and forth from me to Oliver. A few other guys turn around to see what's going on.

"Jacob, did you hear anything? Because I most certainly haven't," Oliver says, his back to me.

I have to do something, knowing that he'll keep ignoring me like this forever. His hair is damp and he looks so sexy. It still amazes me how much he's changed. I swallow hard and take a step towards him, but Jacob grabs my hand, looking tense.

"India, I don't think it's a good idea. Don't do this, for your own sake," he whispers.

I pull away and move toward Oliver. "Fine, if you want to do this here, then I don't have a problem with that. I bet that all your buddies would be happy to hear what I've got to say about your dead brother." I pitch my voice loud enough for everyone to hear.

He turns his head slowly towards me and when our eyes meet I feel like I'm going through an asthma attack. My breathing gets heavier, more laboured. The images from Saturday night pass through my mind rapidly: Oliver lips are on mine again and I want more.

"You got one minute, Indi," he snarls and turns around, walking back to the sports centre.

Jacob gives me a look that says I shouldn't do this to myself, that Oliver will only humiliate me more. I ignore him and walk after Oliver. My pulse is racing and sweat gathers over my forehead. He stops by the door and keeps playing on his phone, still ignoring me.

"I want to know...what was that about the other night?" I ask, trying to sound indifferent, but my tone is like a scowl.

"Indi, I thought that you had something important to say. I have other things to do, like I need to go and take a piss," he growls, not taking his eyes off his phone.

"I asked you a question. What was that about the other night? Why did you kiss me?"

He smirks and insults me again. "I didn't consider that kissing. It was more like trying to teach someone how to do it." That comment hurts the most because he's saying that he didn't feel anything, that it was just his game. I fold my arms together observing how different he is from Christian.

"You kissed me, Oliver, so stop pretending that it didn't happen." I feel like I want to shake him and tell him that I treated him like garbage because his brother was a sadistic psycho. Christian hurt me and now Oliver is doing exactly the same.

He finally lifts his beautiful blue eyes and looks at me, but he is so empty. There is nothing in his eyes of what I expected to see: no despair, no regret, and not even warmth. "I just wanted to let you taste what you will never have. I'll never look at you the way I look at other women, because in my eyes you're just a piece of trash with no feelings." He moves his face closer to mine and his eyes burn with bitter anger and deceit. For a moment we stand there looking at each other.

I fight to keep back the tears, to let him see that he's won. This conversation is now over. I can't bring myself to tell him. He is not worth it.

"Keep doing what you're doing, Oliver, but you won't win. So let's see what else you got because I will be here for as long as it takes, whether you like it or not. You are just like your brother." Then I turn and walk away, wiping the tears off my cheeks. He doesn't get it, and maybe he never will understand what I mean by that, but right now I don't care. From now on we are enemies, and if he ever tries to touch me again, I'll be ready to push him away. I won't be the same India from high school, but I won't be weak anymore.

After seeing Oliver, I walk home feeling numb and deceived by my own mind. Christian and my gloomy past will hunt me down for the rest of my life.

This was supposed to be easy, telling the truth, redlining myself from the past. Fixing everything was part of my new character that I began to grow into. The old India wouldn't take his insults; she would have struck back and slapped him. I'm not that person anymore. It's easier to walk away if you are not wanted than to fight back. His insults are part of me now, so it doesn't matter. If I could fix the past, I would have told him straightaway. I wouldn't keep anything to myself.

But that part of life is over. The old Oliver is gone and the new one is like his brother—monstrous and cold. It's time to move on. My feelings for him were never real.

# Chapter ten

# Lies and pain

## Present

I go home, change, and then go to my rowing session. It's my first year of University; next month the term ends and I will be on Christmas break. Braxton University holds this special tradition. In the first week of December there is a rowing competition between students and the whole university always shows up for that. We will be competing against each other; it's a warm up before national contest in April when we will compete as a team. I might be able to fix my broken reputation if I win against Mackenzie.

Later on, training goes better than I expected. It turns out that, thanks to my anger, I make my best time so far and manage to beat a few girls on the team. Mackenzie misses the session, but I'm glad that I don't have to see her today, especially after my conversation with Oliver.

When I get back to the apartment Dora is already there. I didn't expect her to be home today, but I guess she doesn't fancy seeing Jacob after being with him all weekend. This is just so typical of her.

"You went to talk to him. Jacob told me," she says as soon as I walk through the door. I want to curse Jacob's name off, but I bite my tongue and walk to the kitchen, trying to act like an adult.

"He told you? I can't believe that he didn't keep his mouth shut," I say, opening the fridge. I burned a lot of calories at the gym and I'm starving right now.

"Maybe it's because he cares about me and you. Jacob could be the best boyfriend that I ever had."

Wow, I never expected Dora would ever say anything like that. It's not her style. She uses men and then dumps them, but maybe she decided to change. Like I did.

"Could be?" I tease her, laughing.

"Fine, he is the best boyfriend that I ever had."

"Good for you, but I don't want to talk about my conversation with Oliver. It was a bad idea anyway. He's not planning to leave me alone. He made that quite clear today."

"Fuck. I'll tell Jacob to talk to him."

"Dora, Oliver doesn't listen to anyone. Just stay out of this," I say raising my voice. "I don't want you to get involved. Let's just change the subject. Have you got ice cream? I've got to eat something before I make a dinner."

She purses her lips, probably trying to think of a way to throw in some extra comments, but I shake my head.

Instead, she throws a pillow at me. "Chocolate chip, your favourite."

"Great, ice cream, dinner, and some romantic comedies," I say. "And don't you even dare start on this again."

She frowns, but then she brightens up when I bring two spoons.

This should cheer me up—eating ice cream, watching stupid TV shows with my best friend and not worrying about the man that I once loved. He might have crushed me, but I am grateful I still have Dora. She is a selfish girl, but she is also a loyal friend, and I know she will look out for me.

## Past

"Hey, baby, did you miss me?" Christian asked when I answered the door. I was not expecting him, but a few days ago I must have mentioned that my mum would be working late tonight and my sister Josephine would be going to a sleepover with her friend Alison.

"Yes, sure, but I thought that we weren't going to see each other today," I said.

"Are you going to let me in, or should I just go home?" he snapped, looking irritated that I kept him waiting.

I wasn't in the mood for his company tonight. Our A-levels were coming up and we both needed to study. Christian never asked me if I wanted to see him; he normally just showed up. But it had been getting harder and harder to keep away from him, and our dates always ended up in arguments lately.

"Right, sorry, come on in," I said, as he slid through the door and dumped his jacket on the floor for me to pick up, as usual. We never used to argue and he used to let me do what I wanted, but in the past few months he started pushing me to have sex with him, like he knew that I was never planning to sleep with him. On his eighteenth birthday he pushed me into his bedroom and started undressing me. Somehow I managed to talk him out of it, but our evening ended up in a fight.

Tonight he didn't go to the living room where I expected him to go. Instead he went straight to my bedroom. Christian liked my strong and chilled personality. We'd talked about sex a lot and he had agreed to wait. Dora had no idea that I was still a virgin. She thought that I'd been sleeping with Christian since I was fifteen.

"Are you seriously studying right now?" he asked, pointing at all my books that were spread on the floor.

"The exams are coming up. What did you think I was going to do, play chess with you?" I asked, annoyed.

"I was thinking about something more productive." He smirked. "Your mother won't be back until late and your sister is having a sleepover, isn't she?"

My stomach tightened. It wasn't so much the fact that I didn't want to have sex with him as it was the fact that I didn't love him, but I was too scared to tell him the truth. I had to break up with him sooner rather than later, even if none my friends supported my decision.

He got up and pulled me to the bed, pushing away all my books. He was an affectionate guy. When we first started going out I thought that I loved him. It was a few months later I realised that it was his brother, Oliver, that I wanted.

Christian pulled me to his chest, and I parted my lips, letting his tongue slip into my mouth. I felt nothing and the agitation began to grow. I could no longer pretend that I enjoyed making out with him. His hands began their journey across my body, moving over my hips and legs. The tiny voice in my head kept telling me that if I let him start doing this, he wouldn't stop. He deepened his kisses and ran his tongue down my neck, growling with pleasure. I closed my eyes, imagining that Christian wasn't there and that I was kissing Oliver. He touched the warm spot between my legs and I let go of a gasp.

"Okay, stop. This is not what I had in mind today," I told him, pulling away. But he held me tighter and pushed me down so I was underneath him.

"I know you want this. Stop playing prude," he said, situating himself on top of me. His hardness was pressed over my core and my anxiety grew as the seconds passed.

"Christian, I told you that I want to wait. How many times did we have this conversation already?" I asked him in a high-pitched tone.

"Fuck that, India. We've been going out for ages. I'm horny for you, baby. Don't you want me?"

No, I didn't want him, but I was too much of a coward to tell him that. When I didn't respond, he lowered himself and started kissing me again, pulling my T-shirt away at the same time.

"No, stop it. I'm not ready." I squirmed and scuffled beneath him. He let go of me and I jumped off my bed.

"You are just a teasing bitch!" he shouted, clenching his fists. His panting breath and the obvious bulk in his trousers gave me a horrible feeling inside. He roared and pulled my cabinet to the floor, everything fell over, all my boxes with jewelry and makeup. Then he sprang at me and smacked me in the mouth. Stunned, I lost my balance but didn't fall. For a second I had no idea what just happened, but then I looked at him and fear slid right through me. His eyes grew wider and scarier.

"This is what you get for teasing me," he spat out and then left before I could react or do anything. My face radiated with pain, and I stood in my room completely shocked. My boyfriend hit me because I refused to have sex with him. I couldn't quite get how this had happened.

This wasn't the Christian that I knew. He lost his temper and did something that I'd only seen in films. He was toxic and acted like someone that I didn't recognize. I touched my cheek and tears welled in my eyes. I had seen him in rage before when he threw things and beat people up, but he'd never been violent towards me. Not until today.

At that moment I knew that I had to end this before he could go too far, before he could destroy me. But I acted too late to change anything.

## Present

Next week when I walk through the corridor to get to my lecture, at least dozen people are staring at me. Oliver keeps stirring the atmosphere, causing the disruption. Later on in the afternoon on my way to the library, I can feel that I'm still being watched. I don't talk to anyone, don't try to make friends in his territory. Instead, I spend a lot of time in the library, studying the cases for my Criminal law class or composing assignments. It's easy to blend in and not cause trouble. Alexander now treats me like he doesn't know me. He is under Oliver's spell and that's fine for now. I'm not sad or angry. I accept what's happened. It's time to move on.

On Saturday Dora drags me to a rugby match because Jacob is playing and she wants to support him. Okay, I know it's a bad idea showing up in a public place where everyone knows your face and keeps laughing at you. I know that I shouldn't go, but she talks me into this. When I get there I can see it's a big mistake. Dora shouts, cheering for Jacob, and I sit there noticing that Mackenzie and a few of her friends are giving me dirty stares.

The problem is that Dora insisted on sitting in the first row, so she could be close to Jacob, which also means that I'm close to Oliver. It's clear I shot myself in the foot, but I can't leave now, drawing more attention to myself. Dora doesn't get what the big deal is. Her reputation isn't ruined so it's not her problem.

"Come on, Jacob, come on," Dora shouts, standing up. I don't even get why she pretends that she likes rugby. On the way to the stadium she complained that it's freezing today and she would rather stay at home. "Hey, listen do you see that guy with blond hair that just went into the field?"

"Yeah," I reply, thinking of the times when I was a cheerleader when Christian was playing. It was such a cliché. At that time I didn't know what he was capable of.

"His name is Russell, and he just transferred from somewhere in north Wales," Dora explains.

"And is he going to be your next boyfriend or something?" I ask, curious. Dora never was a monogamist type, but since Jacob there hasn't been anyone else, so maybe people can change.

"Don't be silly. I'm sticking to Jacob. I'm just saying that you might have a free window. He is new, probably available, and handsome."

I hate her insinuations and already dislike her new idea. Russell is built like Oliver, but his hair is light blond. A warm tingle travels through me when I look at him, but then I shake my head. I won't get involved with anyone in Braxton, not while Oliver is here.

"I won't date him and stop matching me up with the first available guy that you see. Let me find the restroom," I say and rush away, just as Oliver grabs a bottle of water from the bench near me. His gaze scans over my body, but he doesn't make eye contact. He wrinkles his forehead and smirks like someone just told him a very good joke. I can still feel his eyes on my back when I hurry away, squeezing between people.

I hear a whisper as I pass. "That's her, the one from the photo and that party,"

"Go on ask her; she should be available."

God, even when the attention of the whole school is focused on the field ahead, people are still talking about me. It's like no one wants to forget.

The following day I'm in the canteen eating my lunch and trying to remember the outcome of the case that I had to prepare for today's lecture, but I keep getting distracted. Oliver is having his lunch with a few other guys from the team. He is celebrating his victory from Sunday. Mackenzie is on his lap and she seems to be enjoying herself tremendously. It's been a few weeks since the atrocious party where I made a complete fool of myself, so I have to be aware of everyone right now.

"Hey, India." I hear Dora, who approaches my table with Jacob and the new guy that she pointed out to me during the match. Now I have him in front of me, so I can look at him for a bit longer. People are staring at us, like something is just about to happen. Even Oliver stops laughing and he is paying attention to what's going on around my table. I have radar in my head. I know when he acknowledges me, because I get that unexpected cold chill that travels up and down my body.

"Hey, Dora, Jacob, what's up?" I ask, giving them a light smile.

"Do you mind if Jacob and Russell sit with us today?" she asks, winking at me. I shrug my shoulder, nodding, and get back to my book. Dora sits by me, Jacob and Russell opposite. I don't know what she is playing at, but I don't like it, not even a bit. "This is Russell, and this is my best friend, India."

"Hey," I say and keep ignoring this obvious setup. She knows that Russell is probably Oliver's mate by now, which means that he already knows that I'm the famous loser that everyone is talking about.

"So what are you reading up there?" asks a deep amused voice. I lift my eyes from the book, seeing a pure green gaze. His hair is too long, falling low on his square forehead. He has a nice smile and wide handsome face.

"It's a case for my public law module," I reply, trying to concentrate on reading while Dora is chatting away with Jacob. She shouldn't try to make me happy.

"Are you always so friendly, or just sometimes?" he teases. I lift my head and close the book feeling angry. Russell is staring at me smirking; then he picks up a chip off my plate. I turn to look at Oliver, and he is still staring, probably trying to see if I fall for the same bullshit again like I fell for Alex.

"I'm not friendly at all," I say flexing my fingers. I have to play cold. Maybe he'll go away.

"That's strange because your friend here mentioned that you're pretty funny."

"She might be a little shy," Dora adds.

"Thank you very much, Dor, but I can speak for myself and I'm not shy," I reply abruptly, then take my book and walk away.

"It was nice meeting you," he shouts, but I don't reply. People must be very stupid if they think that Russell would be a guy that I would date after what went on with Alexander.

The rest of my day drags and in the evening I pop into the library. It's dark when I leave, so I call my mum. We have a quick chat about Braxton and Josephine. I decide to grab some food for this evening from the local supermarket. Jacob is supposed to be staying in tonight and I'm sick of ordering pizza. It's time for me to cook a decent meal for all of us.

"We meet again," says a familiar voice when I reach for some pasta. I turn around and my smile fades when I see Russell with a shopping basket.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" I ask with slight blush. "Yeah, you are shopping. That was a lame question."

"Don't worry, I come in here just to check out pretty girls, pretending that I'm shopping. Should we start again?"

"I don't think so. I'm really busy and I've got to rush home," I tell him, hoping that he takes a hint and leaves me alone. But instead he follows, picking up food from the shelves.

"Did I say something wrong? I apologize if I did," he adds, catching up with me.

I roll my eyes. "Okay, let's cut to the chase," I say, turning to face him. "I know that Oliver sent you to play like you're interested, but I've got to tell you that you're wasting your time. This plan is not going to work."

He scratches his head, narrowing his green eyes and looking slightly lost. I have to admit, he plays his role well.

"Oliver, the bloke from the team?"

"Yes, Oliver Morgan. Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about."

"To be honest with you, I don't. I just moved to Braxton, so I don't really know anyone here."

"Nice try, but I don't believe you," I say and continue shopping.

"Hey, come on, at least give me a chance."

"Sorry, I've got to run," I say. "I wouldn't make a very good person for a conversation anyway."

"Suit yourself."

I'm being paranoid now. What if he was genuinely interested and Oliver had nothing to do with this? This is not high school and I shouldn't have been so hard on him. I decide I'll talk to him next time and will be a bit nicer. I've changed, so I have to act like it.

Then a memory flashes through my mind unexpectedly. Oliver had a hard life and I was the only one who saw what it was like for him.

# Chapter eleven

# Forgiveness?

## Past

Christian, Oliver and I were on our way back from the cinema. As usual I was texting Dora to see what she was up to and Christian was cracking some stupid joke about football while he was driving. Christian had just turned eighteen and his father bought him a brand new Audi before he went to South America for business.

Oliver's birthday was coming up in a few months, but as he told me, he wasn't expecting much. He didn't think that his parents would even remember. I had noticed a few times that no one really cared about what he was doing and how he was behaving, because everyone was always focused on Christian. His coach had foreseen a huge career for him. Oliver was just the other brother.

Minutes later, Christian pulled up in front of his house.

"You know that you have to drop me home in an hour. My mum knows what time the film ends," I said as I jumped out of the car.

"Chill, Indi, we've got plenty of time," he muttered.

Oliver went in first, but I saw him stop abruptly in the hallway.

"What is going on, bro?" Christian asked, passing by him. Then all of us heard the glass being smashed.

As we walked into the Morgans' spacious kitchen, we all saw Mrs. Morgan on the floor. She was crying, holding a glass, and there was blood everywhere. A ripple of anxiety rushed through me as I stood there, not sure how to react.

"Mum, what the hell are you doing?" Christian shouted, going pale within seconds. His blue eyes darted as he paced around his mother. I knew that Mrs. Morgan had problems, but this was the first time that I saw her in that kind of state.

"I.... am ...sorry."

Oliver ran to the bathroom and came back with some tissues. I took out my phone and looked at Christian. "Should we call an ambulance?"

"Fuck, I don't know and I don't care. Bro, you can take care of her. I'm getting the hell out of this mad house!" Christian yelled, as his mother tried calling for him to help her. Oliver's blue eyes shot him a desperate look, but I knew Christian; he was petrified. He cursed under his breath and smashed the bottle of whisky that was on the table, before he hurried outside. I was still standing there, my heart beating fast.

"No, I want Christian," Mrs. Morgan cried while her other son tried to stop her bleeding wounds. I helped him to get her off the floor. She stank of whiskey. She was completely hammered.

"Mum, calm down. You're going to be all right," Oliver kept saying, but she was moaning and trying to push me and him off. Her eyes were blackened with smudges of mascara.

"You're horrible and I hate you." She slurred out her words. "I should have had an abortion. I should have listened to your father!"

My heart broke, and I looked at Oliver, who seemed completely paralysed by her words, while holding her still. A shadow of anger and despair passed through his face.

"Don't listen to her. She's drunk," I whispered when Mrs. Morgan closed her eyes for a second. He didn't respond. He was breathing hard like he was trying to calm down. Then Mrs. Morgan moved and started vomiting on the floor. Oliver grabbed her hair and I rushed to the kitchen.

It took us a while to clean her up and get her to bed. She kept throwing insults at Oliver and he was taking all this like he didn't care. I didn't know what to do, how to react. I couldn't comprehend what he had to go through, seeing his mother in this state. Christian left. He was a coward. He couldn't deal with what was going on. I knew that his father kept travelling because he didn't want to deal with Mrs. Morgan. He couldn't face what was happening to her. She needed help, but no one was willing to do anything. Oliver told me that he tried to talk to Christian and his father, but they called him weak. They told him that his mother only drank too much. Only later the doctors diagnosed her as bi-polar.

Finally around ten o'clock Mrs. Morgan fell asleep. I patched her wounds and helped Oliver clean the mess in the living room.

We were working in silence and I was fighting back my tears. As we finished, I threw myself into his arms and hugged him, trying to comfort him in any way. Oliver never showed any emotions, he'd hidden them well like he was an assassin.

That night he wrapped himself in my body and breathed in.

"I'm sorry that you had to see this," he whispered. I pulled back and grabbed his hand.

"You have nothing to be sorry about, Oliver. Your mother needs help, and Christian shouldn't bail on you like that."

He looked away and exhaled. "I know that she does, but for now, I just have to deal with it."

"She didn't mean any of those things, Oliver. She was drunk. I know that she loves you," I added.

He started laughing and brushed the hair away from my face. "They both think that I shouldn't have been born, so spare me the pity, India. You know yourself that Christian is the golden boy. I'm just the trash."

"You're not the trash, Oliver. I'll talk to my mum, she must—"

"India, stop. This isn't going to work. I just have to deal with this. Let me take you home. You've done enough."

We didn't talk while we waited for my taxi. I never knew anyone who could be so strong and stoic about how much his family hated him. I felt how difficult his life was then and I regretted that I had chosen Christian. I was such a fool not seeing that Oliver was the better person, and the man that was so much better for me.

## Present

"Someone punched him. That's why he's been ignoring me," Dora states when I walk through the door a few weeks later. I had a stressful day, trying to hand in all my assignments before the deadline and avoiding that new guy Russell who's been a nuisance ever since we'd been introduced. He keeps showing up in the library, outside my classes, pretending it's just a coincidence. I keep watching Oliver, hoping to figure out his next move, but he doesn't even look at me anymore. I haven't got time to play this game. The term is going to end faster than I anticipated.

It's Friday night and Dora is already drinking her first glass of wine, so I know that trouble is coming. She is a lightweight just like me.

"Who punched him?" I ask.

"That's the thing. I have no idea. He doesn't even want to talk about it," she complains, switching the channels on the TV.

"He doesn't want to tell you?"

"No. I tried everything, but he keeps saying to leave him alone. He won't even let me take care of him."

We spend the rest of the evening discussing Jacob and his black eye while eating junk food. Dora gets drunk, and in any other circumstance she would probably call him up, arguing until he tells her what she wants to know. Then we would go out and she would start flirting with a first guy that she meets. But Dora is in a serious relationship this time, and she won't go back to her old habits. It looks like she might be in love with Jacob.

Around midnight, I help her to get to bed and clean the apartment. Dora will be fine. She is much stronger than she looks.

Next day I wake up early, make some coffee, and head to the Sports Hall for rowing training. I'm the first in the changing room. In a couple of weeks I will be back in Gargle, but today I'm planning to have a good session and beat my personal best. Two years ago I would have been afraid to leave the house, knowing that Oliver is plotting another way to make me miserable, but now I'm stronger and training is part of my routine.

I get to the changing room and get to the bathroom first. I hear the door, so it looks like I'm not the first in today.

"I hope the coach keeps it short today. I'm not in the mood for training," whines the first voice. I recognise Mackenzie. I rinse my face and quickly begin to put my clothes back. My aim is to get out of the changing room as soon as I can. The last thing I want is to listen to her whining.

"Have you got any plans with your hot boyfriend?" another girl asks. It's probably Joanna.

"Maybe. You never know. He isn't my boyfriend yet, but I'm working on it."

I hate when she talks about Oliver like he is a commodity that people fight over. That unexpected feeling of jealousy fills me. I put the rest of my clothes back and touch the door handle, when I hear Joanna's next question.

"Girls were talking about Jacob yesterday. Apparently someone punched him, but no one knows who?"

"Oliver hit him. I heard them the other day when they were arguing."

The muscles in my stomach clench and I don't dare to move, wondering if I heard Mackenzie correctly.

"You're joking, right? I mean, why would Oliver hit Jacob? They are best mates." Joanna says.

"I know, right? It's odd because they never argue."

It's not long before a few other girls come in and soon the changing room is full. The conversation between Mackenzie and Joanna is over, and I'm glad to be out of there. Mackenzie wouldn't make up stories about Oliver. She is into to him and she wants to have him.

The training goes well, but I keep wondering why Oliver hit Jacob. Distracting myself from useless thoughts, I do a few miles. I push myself more than usual today, hoping to win the competition in December. After an hour and a half, the gym seems deserted. All the girls are gone and I stay to stretch a bit more. The conversation between Mackenzie and Joanna still bothers me. No wonder Jacob didn't want to say anything to Dora.

The gym is empty when I leave. I feel great after the torturous exercise, although I know that I won't be able to move tomorrow. I strip off in the changing room, knowing that there is no one around and take long blissful shower. Dora wants me to run a film marathon today. She wants to have a quiet and peaceful weekend for a change.

When I get back to my locker, I see that all my clothes are gone. The blood drains from my face and I begin to wonder if maybe this is just a dream and I haven't woken up yet. The water drips on the floor and I stare at my empty bag. It's obvious that I'm the victim of another prank and it's clear that Oliver is behind this. I run to the door and discover that they are locked. I punch the door a few times, calling for help.

"We thought that we'd have some fun today, so you can stay here until Monday. Have a good weekend." It's Mackenzie. She laughs, walking away.

"Open up! You can't leave me here until Monday," I roar, but I know that there is no one around. The university gym is going to be locked in an hour and no one cleans up here on the weekends. I punch the door, sliding through to the puddle of water at my feet. The tears fill my eyes as I throw the towel away. I'm naked, locked up in the changing room with no way of escape. There is nothing I can do. I have no doubt it's Oliver's idea. I can bet he made Mackenzie do it. She probably called him and let him know that I was alone at the gym, and they both came up with the tremendous idea of leaving me here to sulk until Monday. I didn't even have my phone with me, because I was supposed to be back in the afternoon.

I punch the door a few more times, crying like a pathetic creature. I truly despise Oliver now. He's gone too far and he might have finally cracked me, because Braxton is the last place that I want to be right now. I know that as soon as someone lets me out I'll go home and pack. Oliver wants me out and now he's crossed the line. I sit on the cold floor thinking about my old self. I was cruel and without feeling, so maybe I deserve this, being locked up alone with no one to rescue me. I should have just told Oliver that Christian beat me up. I should have revealed that his perfect brother wasn't so perfect. I shuddered, remembering how pleasure filled his gaze when he was hurting me. But that was just the beginning of the nightmare.

Minutes pass, then hours, and I sit there drowning in my own tears and hatred. Mackenzie is not coming back; no one is. I try to reason with myself that Oliver just did what he had to. He hates me and he will continue to do so, until he wins the bet.

I don't even have the energy to lift myself up. I'm broken. He wants to show me what he had to go through in high school when I bullied him. Oliver had said he would stand up for me, but he never showed up. When Christian discovered the truth about us, he did things to me that I'll never forget. He damaged me to the point of not knowing what was real and what was an illusion.

I close my eyes, drifting away. The pain doesn't ease. It strikes all of a sudden, blinding me, as I remember his cruel hands moving over my body. I tried to scream, but he silenced me, clenching his palms over my neck.

"India, are you there?"

I hear a voice and lift my head.

"I'm going to come in, all right?"

Before I can even detect if this is happening to me for real, the door opens and I see Jacob's face.

"Oh Jesus," he hisses, looking away, trying to be a gentleman while I still don't move. My body is numb and I don't care that he is seeing me naked. It's like I'm made of brick with no emotions, stripped right back to become no one. He takes the towel and covers me. His left eye is puffy and violet; his upper lip is split.

"Jacob?" I ask, confused "What are you doing here? How did you know that I was here?"

"It doesn't matter. Come on, I need to take you home."

He helps me on my feet, and I wrap the towel tightly around my body, feeling dizzy. Maybe the nightmare is finally over and I can just go home.

"Mackenzie locked me up. She took all my clothes," I tell him. I have a splitting headache.

Jacob smiles, he runs his hands through his hair. "I know. We couldn't let you stay here until Monday," he says, pushing me forward, but I stop in the doorway.

"What do you mean by we?" I ask, narrowing my eyes. "Oliver ordered Mackenzie to lock me up here."

Jacob looks uncomfortable, switching his body weight to the side and letting out an uncontrollable breath. "India, just leave it like that. Let me get you out of here. I can give you my jacket and I brought trousers. I don't keep girls clothes and Dora—"

"Shut up, Jacob, and tell me why you are here," I press, still shaking like jelly. Jacob passes me a jacket, looking hesitant. I already know what he is going to tell me. Oliver couldn't go through with this prank. He changed his mind.

"Fine, but if he finds out that I told you, he might kill me this time," Jacob says. "Mackenzie came into the house a few hours early and told Oliver that she took all your clothes when you were in the shower and locked you up the changing room. Oliver didn't order her to do this."

"What?" I ask. "You're telling me that she came out with this idea alone and Oliver wasn't involved?"

Jacob can't be serious. Oliver wants me out of Braxton. He would do anything to make me unhappy and today he succeeded, because I'm ready to leave.

"When he heard what she'd done, he went a little mental. He kicked her out of the house and then told me to go and let you out."

All right, I have to admit that this is unexpected. Maybe Jacob is messing with my head and they are both lying to me. Oliver hates me and now all of the sudden he changed his mind and decided to help me?

"I don't believe you."

"Do you think that I understand this?" he asks, smirking. "He likes playing pranks on you, but even he knows that Mackenzie went too far, so he asks me to sort her mess out."

"What about your black eye? He did that, I know, because I overheard Mackenzie talking about it with another girl," I say quietly. I really need to know everything now. I couldn't be wrong about Oliver, it was obvious that it was his prank, but now I'm confused because he sent Jacob to release me.

"I don't know what this is about either," he complains. "It was after lunch on Monday. He came outside and hit me."

"Just like that? For no reason?"

"Yeah, without any reason. I wanted to know, so I kept asking him about it, but he just told me that I should know why, like I'm fucking mind reader."

"Oliver showed me mercy today, and I appreciate it, but I just want to get home." I put on Jacob's jacket. He looks a little lost but also relieved that I don't dwell on this subject anymore. His car is outside, so that saves me more humiliation and embarrassment.

He drives me home and I wonder if I should thank Oliver for what he did for me. Two years ago I would have gone to Mackenzie and punched her, but I'm not reckless and cruel anymore. Oliver has grown in my eyes and maybe he is going to forgive me for what I did to him. There are still other questions that need answers, but I have to bring myself to tell him what went on that night just before Christian was killed.

Jacob drops me home and goes with me upstairs. When I tell Dora what went on in the gym, she looks like she is going to kill Mackenzie. I go to my room and stay there for the rest of the day before I tell her to leave it and let me take care of her.

Did Oliver try to show me that he still cares about me? That his anger has faded? He refused to listen to me, throwing insults at me like I threw garlic at him during the party two years ago. He could have left me there locked up until Monday, but he chose to help me. I still hate him—but today maybe a bit less than a few hours ago. It's time for me to face him and tell him the whole truth and the only truth.

# Chapter twelve

# Fighting the enemies

## Present

On Monday morning I look like a zombie, so I buy two energy drinks to keep me going throughout the day. Since the incident on Saturday, my nightmares have come back and I barely slept. Dora has already been planning payback on Mackenzie all day yesterday. When I tell her not to get involved, she doesn't want to listen.

I have a headache throughout the lecture, and when I enter the canteen later on I automatically look for Oliver. His rugby buddies are out there, but his usual seat is empty. Deep down I want to face him and thank him that he sent Jacob to rescue me. We aren't even yet, but I want to forget about my pride and talk to him. By the time I walk home, the rumour has it that Oliver locked me up in the changing room. People are saying that something went wrong and somehow I managed to escape. He was pissed, so he hooked up with someone new on Saturday night, and no one has seen him since then. There is nothing being said about Mackenzie and I haven't seen her today at all.

But there is another rumour about Jacob's black eye. Apparently it was Dora that punched him. The story goes that she found out that Jacob and I had sex when he came to rescue me on Saturday. It makes me laugh, the kind of stories people make up about what's happened to me. But in the end, I still want to know what is going on inside Oliver's head. Why he all of the sudden changed his mind and decided to help me.

A week Sunday it's Dora's birthday. She already made plans and invited a few people to the local club to celebrate. After the drama with Mackenzie I'm not in the mood to show my face where I could be recognised, but I can't miss my best friend's birthday party. Everyone with some kind of social status will be there, and I might even have a chance to talk to Oliver, if he decides to show up.

I don't see him for the rest of the week. Every time I walk to the canteen or wander through corridors, I feel like someone stole a part of me. A little piece of the puzzle is missing. We have been apart for two years, but I'm used to knowing that he is around. He is clearly avoiding me. Dora mentioned that she saw him a few times on campus, so there is something unusual going on.

Being ruthless and cruel has it's own points. The old India would have made sure that Mackenzie would get her payback. An old India would most probably make her suffer with humiliation, but I know that I'm better than that and I can't let her get to me. The karma always comes back and I've learned to be patient.

Saturday night Jacob arrives at our apartment with a present for Dora. He's looking handsome with his new haircut.

"Present for my sexy girlfriend," he says, smiling and handing her a small stylish box.

"Oh, thank you. I love presents. Are you going to tell me what's inside?" she asks, and her eyes gleam with excitement. It takes her a moment to open it and then a large smile breaks over her face. "Oh my God, a ring."

"Don't worry. It's not that ring." He laughs, looking at her worried face.

"Of course, I know that it's not that ring," she mutters, blushing. "I love it. It's beautiful. Thank you, bear."

Jacob embraces her with a passionate kiss, and I go to my room to give them some privacy. I try to look my best, hoping that Oliver will show up. Maybe someday he will forgive me, but for now maybe we could at least make peace. I put a bit of makeup on and pin my hair in a stylish bun in the back. I go for jeans and a funky top that I bought in Gargle.

The Morgan family was wealthy, and I got a lot of expensive gifts from Christian. When he died, I burned everything, trying to destroy my last memories about him. Mum had no idea what I did, but burning stuff that he paid for allowed me to gain some kind of ease and accept that he would never hurt me again.

By eight o'clock we leave our apartment and head to the club in a taxi. Dora reserved a small space upstairs for her party, and when we get there everyone is already waiting for us. Unlike me, Dora managed to make a lot of friends since we arrived at Braxton. She introduces me to a handful of guys and girls that stare at me like I'm the clown in the circus. She orders champagne for everyone. Her father gave her an injection of cash so she could enjoy her birthday.

"So you're the girl that everyone has been talking about?" asks Katie, a tall blonde that Dora introduced me to a moment ago. "The girl that Oliver hates so much."

I shouldn't been surprised. These days everyone wants to know the latest gossip.

"Possibly. Oliver and I aren't on speaking terms, if that's what you're asking," I say.

Jacob hands me a cocktail, and I give him five pounds, but he winks at me saying that it's on him tonight. When I start protesting he pretends like he can't hear me. Jacob is a nice guy and Dora is a very lucky girl to have him.

I spot familiar faces at the bar. It's obvious that most students would be here tonight. It's the biggest club in town.

"I don't know how you can handle what he is doing to you. It's barbaric." Katie looks carefully around, afraid, as if Oliver might notice her talking to me.

"It's just a game," I tell her. "I can handle him. Besides, something tells me he might be easing off on me."

Katie sips her cocktail and leans toward me. "By the way, I don't want to be the one to spreads rumours, but I heard from one of the girls in my class that Oliver dumped Mackenzie. I don't know what he saw in her in the first place; she is such a slut."

My heart gives me a giant smack in my chest. "It's just a rumour," I mutter, feeling heat blaze over my body with new hope that his feelings for me haven't vanished completely.

Katie doesn't have a chance to tell me more, because the new guy, Russell, flops on an empty seat next to me.

"Hello, ladies, nice seeing you here," he says, smiling. "What are we discussing?"

I try not to choke on my cocktail, staring at him bewildered. I wasn't expecting to see him here. Dora doesn't even know him that well, so she couldn't have invited him.

"Just about Olie and what kind of dick he has been lately to India," Katie explains.

Russell arches his eyebrows watching me intensely. "Oliver Morgan, the captain of a rugby team?"

"Yeah, like you don't know," I say.

"Oh come on, ladies, he is a douchebag. You should talk about me; I'm far better looking than he is." Russell smirks. Katie has an attack of hysterical giggles, and I roll my eyes.

"Of course, how could we not notice that?" I ask. "By the way, how did you get in here? It's a private party."

"I hate break it to you, India, but Dora invited me." He chuckles.

I purse my lips and narrow my eyes wondering why he has to be so annoying and so full of himself. I look at Dora, who seems engaged in conversation with Jacob and some of his friends. She couldn't have invited Russell over. She doesn't even know him that well. Katie excuses herself, muttering something about the ladies room, leaving me alone with Russell.

"So, India, I think we got off on the wrong foot," he says. "I'm Russell, it's nice to meet you."

"I'm India," I reply, grinning, knowing that the only way to get rid of him would be to play along. Even though Oliver showed me his mercy, I feel certain that he sent Russell to gain my trust. There isn't any other explanation for this.

"So, India, do you mind if I talk to you?" he asks.

"Fine, but don't get too comfortable. I'm not interested in dating if that's what you're after," I tell him, so I can cut to the chase.

"Wow, slow down, girl, we only just met. I don't work that fast. I might be handsome, funny and charming, but I'm a gentleman."

I sip my cocktail as he continues talking about himself, asking me a few questions. It turns out that his family lives a few miles away from Braxton. He only recently found that his mother has been diagnosed with cancer. All his brothers live abroad, so he decided to move back home to help out. His father died a few years ago.

"What about you? What's your interest, apart from rowing and law, of course?" he asks.

I try to relax and have fun tonight. It's been a hell of a week and I want to forget about the nightmare with Mackenzie. Maybe I'm not as much fun as I used to be back in Gargle, but I can be interesting and funny if I want to be. "I used do cheerleading and gymnastics for a few years, but I always loved movies, cinema is my passion." I say forcing a smile.

He shakes his head. "Movies, well, that's a coincidence because I love movies, too. What sorts of movies do you watch?"

"All. I can pretty much watch everything, but since I've been here I don't have time to go, and Dora is busy with her new boyfriend and I'm trying to concentrate on my studies."

"Right, that's why we should stick together. I can be your new cinema partner," he teases.

I keep drinking my cocktail, but I have a feeling I'm being watched. It's not long before I notice someone's eyes on me. Desire whisks through me when I notice Oliver standing by the stairs. Our eyes meet for a split second before he turns to continue talking to some girl that I don't know. My breathing changes instantly. He looks tense and I begin to wonder if he only showed up here because of me.

"Sorry, let me just talk to my friend for a sec," I tell Russell.

I get to Dora, who is dancing with a few of her friends. It's not even ten o'clock yet and she is already hammered. Jacob should be looking after her, but he is nowhere to be seen.

"Hey, Dor, hey, focus," I say, bringing her attention to me.

"Oh, Indi, what's up, having fun?" she garbles.

"Listen, Oliver, is here and it's your party. Do you mind if I get rid of him?"

This is just an excuse. I want to talk to him and I need to have a valid reason. It's time to find out if he thought about what I said. Forgiveness doesn't cost anything. He made me realise how cruel and vicious I was in the past.

Oliver keeps glancing at Russell. He looks like is ready to punch someone. Maybe he thinks Russell is just not good enough to work his master plan of destroying me. Something inside my stomach turns and I try to dismiss my racing heart and the skyrocketing pulse when I look at him.

Dora's voice brings me back to reality. "Oh, let me dance. Do what you want, but I don't mind having him here," she says, laughing.

I start chewing my bottom lip, contemplating what to do.

I go back to Russell, trying to ignore my violent emotions and the man that I love and hate so much at the same time. Russell keeps asking me about the movies and I make a huge effort to concentrate on my conversation with him. Instead of getting all worked up about Oliver being here, I drink my cocktail, keeping old India on a leash.

Oliver moves to the other side, chatting it up with the dark-haired girl. Again he keeps glancing at me, narrowing his eyes like he anticipates my next move.

Russell is funny, he makes me laugh and I feel comfortable being around him. And at this point I don't care anymore if he is playing me or is genuinely interested.

A few minutes before midnight, Jacob brings the cake and we all sing Happy Birthday to Dora. She can barely blow out the candles, and then she kisses Jacob and everyone starts cheering.

The rest of the night passes in a blur, and I keep drinking more and more. I feel like I'm back in Gargle. I'm the same India from before the party, fun and cheerful, full of confidence.

Later that night I spot Oliver by the bar. He is alone. I walk up to him, wondering if now he'll tell me exactly what he is planning. I hate games, I hate not knowing what to expect. There are so many questions and so little time.

"Oliver, I'm here, so stop running away and talk to me." I poke him on the back.

He turns around slowly studying my face. Something flickers in his eyes and my chest heaves when I recognise the warmth and worry.

"Go away, India, unless you want to make a bigger fool of yourself than you already have," he says quietly, leaning towards me. His body sends warm vibrations right down between my legs and I feel a flush of heat run down my back. I focus on his lips, imagining him kissing me. If I were sober I would walk away, but right now I'm drunk and nothing is going to stop me. I lean towards him, inhaling his unbelievable cologne. Our faces nearly touch.

"Why are you here, Oliver? Is it because of me? Stop acting like you don't care because I know that you sent Jacob to rescue me." My voice is barely audible, but I know that he can hear my every word.

"You mean nothing to me, Indi. You're just a meaningless particle of Braxton air. I can't wait for you to vanish."

"I don't believe you," I whisper, as his eyes drill a hole in my heart to pull me closer. His gaze is heavy on me and I want him to forgive me, but he's changed so much that I don't recognise him anymore.

"You are delusional, Indi. I would never find you interesting. I don't even want to look at you right now, so do me a favour and disappear." A girl that he was talking to earlier appears by his side measuring me up and down. Oliver pulls her closer and then he kisses her.

My whole world ends and I'm falling back to the darkness. The pain slides through me like I'm just about to pass out. His body collides with hers in smooth rhythm. The demons capture me back and pull me right down to hell to face Christian.

Slowly, I turn around and walk away. The tears streaming down my cheek and his hollow voice circles in my brain; he doesn't want me, and whatever we both felt, it's long gone. It's clear that he will never forgive me. I move between people, looking for the way out.

Then I hear the voices and spot Dora. She is storming towards Mackenzie, and before anyone can stop her, she throws a punch at her and they both go down to the floor.

"Dora, what the hell are you doing?" I shout, trying to grab her away, but she pushes me away screaming.

"You bitch, you don't fuck with my friends!"

I jerk her off Mackenzie, who seems to be in shock. She touches her face. There is blood everywhere. People are staring at Dora and me. I have to get her out of the club.

"You broke my nose!" Mackenzie cries and looks like she wants to fight, but then strong arms catch her before she can get to Dora and me. My breaths are shallow and I'm drunk enough, but I recognise Oliver. He is holding his arms tightly around Mackenzie.

"Get her out of here," he snaps at me.

He doesn't need to tell me twice. Jacob appears by my side, and we both grab Dora. We drag her away from the club, catching a taxi home. The rest of the night is hazy. Dora throws up in the toilet a few times before she passes out on the sofa.

My mind spins, and I see myself with Oliver in a world where Christian doesn't exist. I regret now that I didn't tell him. I should have spit the truth at Oliver's face. Then he would have forgiven me. He would have known why I became such ruthless cunt, an individual without any feelings.

Tonight he proved to me once again that nothing has changed. We are still enemies. He doesn't care about me, and he never will. I'm still alone.

# Chapter thirteen

# Real devil

## Past

Christian was throwing a party to celebrate his scholarship. He was moving faster through high school than anyone else and in a couple of month's time he would be leaving Gargle to go to university. People were talking about how promising his career was going to look in a couple of years. As far back as I could remember, he always wanted to play rugby and he was lucky that someone saw how talented he really was.

Christian had told me enough about his wounded family and the fact that he resented his mother for her illness. I had no idea how he managed to convince his mother to let him have a party, but their relationship always surprised me. Mrs. Morgan went out of town, to visit some distant family, and his father as usual was absent. Oliver was right to some extent: Mrs. Morgan favoured Christian. If Christian wanted something, he got it straight away. I hated seeing Oliver hurt and portrayed as the unimportant son who could never do anything right.

I discovered the reason when I once overheard Mrs. Morgan talking to herself in the kitchen. She saw her own husband in Oliver. She saw a weak man, who never really loved her or took care of her. The man that she had to marry to please her own parents. I never told Oliver that I heard that, but I understood why he kept away from others.

I wasn't looking forward to Christian's party. I was scared of him after the incident in my bedroom. I told my mum that I fell over. In a matter of weeks he'd changed and I didn't recognise him anymore. He talked about sex all the time. He kept coming around when he wasn't expected. I knew that he was planning something and I was scared. I didn't bring up his outburst in the bedroom, and he pretended like nothing had happened. But I was determined to break up with him. I was ready to get rid of him. He was planning to leave anyway and I still had two years of high school to go through. Long distance relationships didn't work and I finally wanted to gain my freedom.

I showed up at the Morgans' house on Thursday evening with decorations for his party. He was in training until eight and was planning to come home straight after that, so we could spend some time together.

Reluctantly, I knocked on his door and then let myself in. Christian had made an extra key for me and his mother mentioned that I could just come in if there was no one at home. I put the box with decorations in their pristine kitchen. I dialled Christian's number, but he didn't pick up, so I left him a voicemail. The Morgans' house was beautiful with a wide open plan kitchen and living room. Mr. Morgan worked as a software engineer, and he made a significant living because he was willing to be away from home.

I started unpacking the decorations, wondering if I should just go home instead of waiting for Christian. My mind raced when I thought about his mood swings.

I went upstairs and used the bathroom, and when I came out every tiny hair on the back of my neck rose. Oliver stood in the hallway looking at me. He wasn't wearing a shirt and his long black hair hung around his bare shoulders and chest. My breath came short and I stood there staring at him, wondering if I should just leave. Being alone in the house with him was torture.

In the past few weeks I'd found it difficult to be in the same room with him. Whenever I saw him my pulse started racing, and my mouth went dry in an instant. I couldn't take this anymore. I wanted to tell him the truth about how I felt about him

"Oh hey, I wasn't sure if anyone was at home," I said, sounding oddly rough like I had a sore throat. My body tensed and I waited for him to say something, but he just stood there looking at me, studying me. His blue eyes looked right through me, watching as I struggled to breathe.

Oliver slowly approached me. He never worked out, but he was well built and I couldn't draw my eyes away from his naked chest.

"I think we should take advantage of the fact that we're alone," he said standing in front of me. A couple of times Oliver let me know that I affected him the same way he affected me, but since that kiss in the cinema he hadn't tried to touch me at all. "Come on, I've got something to show you in my room."

"What about your brother? He'll be home at any minute," I hissed. He smiled, melting away all the hesitation. He took my hand and walked me to his room, before I protested.

"Don't worry about him. He will be quite preoccupied tonight."

"But—"

"No buts, I know what I'm talking about." He smirked. "I've got something important to show you."

His room was dark, filled with posters of his favourite band. He was a Goth and he was into the occult and all that supernatural bullshit. People always made fun of him and his mother couldn't stand it, but I didn't mind. I liked that he was trying to be different.

He sat on the floor, dragging me to sit beside him. His touch sent a surging heat down between my breasts.

"What have you got to show me?" I asked, my voice hoarse. He looked at me with those diamond eyes and touched my cheek. A smile broke over his lips. His touch was unexpected and filled me up with explosive desire. Whenever Christian touched me I felt nothing, just an odd tingle of unease. I wasn't capable of feeling anything when he was around. It was like I was made of stone, locked within my own insecurities.

Oliver's touch brought something new and fresh. When I was with him my stomach twisted with longing and my body searched for his closeness.

"This, and I hope you don't mind," he whispered. He leaned towards me and pressed his mouth over mine. Our lips connected with a mind-blowing kiss. Every part of me screamed that I should stop this before I couldn't control myself, but my heart thumped faster.

When Oliver ran the tip of his tongue over my teeth and I moaned with pleasure. His palm held my face and I let go of the fear that I was doing something wrong. He pushed himself on top of me sliding between my legs, where he fitted in perfectly.

"India, I've waited for this moment for so long," he whispered, and I arched my head back enjoying as his fingers caressed my skin. The collision of emotions jetted over us. It was like someone woke me up from my deepest dream. Like I'd been living a different life before; I'd been kissing a wrong guy. And now I was finally making the right choice.

His lips moved over mine like a fire welcomes oxygen. His fingers started to unbutton my shirt. He began planting kisses down my neck, selecting only the most sensitive parts, devouring me completely and utterly with his whole body. His hand cupped my breast and the heat shot through my stomach down to my core, filling me with a pool of warmth and lust.

His long hair dropped onto my shoulder, and I laughed when he planted kisses on my stomach.

"I'm going to break up with your brother on Saturday," I told him.

He lifted his head and his eyes burnt with anger. "We'll talk to him together. This has been going on for too long."

"He will get angry. He won't accept it."

"I don't care."

"Promise me that you'll be there with me?" I asked.

"Of course I'll be there," he assured me, taking a deep breath. "Christian doesn't love you, India. He is only with you because he knows that I want you."

"What?"

He didn't respond for a long moment and I began to wonder if Christian suspected anything. He couldn't have known how I felt about Oliver. I was a good actress and never let him doubt me.

"He suspects something. He kept you away from me for too long," he revealed, kissing me again with the smile "He told me that you will never be mine, even after his death."

"Christian is not a god," I said, sounding tense. "It will all be over on Saturday. I don't care anymore what anyone will say. I'm not alive when I'm with him. I can't do this anymore."

We didn't talk anymore. Oliver didn't let me think about his brother. During that evening I was his and for the first time I wasn't afraid anymore. I knew that he could protect me.

By the time Christian came back, I was gone. That night Oliver didn't go any further, but we were both tempted. We couldn't sleep together while I was still involved with his brother. But I couldn't pretend any longer. That night we made a mutual decision that I would go to the party as a Christian's girlfriend, but I was leaving single. I'd been waiting years to break away from Christian, but I never had the guts to actually go through with it.

I didn't know that during that party I would not only lose Oliver but the better part of myself.

## Present

I wake up in mid-morning remembering clearly that dream from the past. If Oliver would have kept his promise and shown up, things would have been different between us. I pull away from those memories that keep hunting me down even if I close my eyes and try to forget.

Right now I feel like someone drilled a hole in my head and poured boiling water inside it. My eyes are sore, my throat burning. I want to hide under the covers and stay there until I feel like myself again. That's why I stopped drinking in high school. I used to be a party animal. I drank to the point of passing out, all because I was trying to erase what happened the night of Christian's party, pretending that I was in that perfect world where Christian had never been born.

Then the memories from last night's birthday party flash in front of me, and I want to slap myself hard that I touched alcohol. Dora hit Mackenzie for me and Oliver humiliated me again, kissing some strange girl just to show me that he's moved on.

His hatred is like a poison. It crawls over me and spreads slowly, causing turmoil inside my heart that still beats for him. He did everything in his power to ruin my good mood, to show me that I never meant anything.

When I finally drag myself out of bed, it's late morning. Half an hour later, Dora appears in the door with her sex hair and half naked Jacob. It looks like Dora is suffering much more than me. Jacob was on his best behaviour yesterday, but he let Dora off the leash and that was a mistake.

"You making coffee, Indi?" she asks, yawning.

"I guess so," I reply, feeling a little more alive now. Dora probably doesn't remember much from yesterday, so I make both of them a coffee and pull some croissants from the cupboard. After I swallow a few painkillers and get some caffeine in my system I'm ready to lynch my best friend.

"Did I really punch Mackenzie last night, or was it just a dream?" she asks.

I sigh. "Yeah, you did. You shouldn't have. I told you to stay out of my business."

She smiles like she is proud of what she did. "She asked for it, and I was defending you. Besides, you should have punched her long time ago. Do you remember like in high—"

"Dora, this is not high school!" I shout, slamming my hand on the table. "I've changed. I was immature and irresponsible then. Punching Mackenzie wasn't a solution to the problem. Now she will look for revenge."

Dora shoots me a sharp look, biting into her croissant. Jacob isn't even looking at me. I don't think he expected Dora to be so violent. As I said, she is full of surprises.

"All right, fine. Chill out," she says. "Mackenzie is a bitch and she deserved that."

"I was planning to handle that myself," I add. "I lost my temper a little when Oliver showed up and—" I don't finish my sentence, knowing that I said too much already, but even with the hangover Dora narrows her eyes with annoyance. That short remark wouldn't escape her.

"What about Oliver? What did he do now?"

"Nothing. Don't worry about it." I cut her off quickly. I don't want to discuss my emotional meltdown from yesterday in front of Jacob.

"Jacob is on your side, so don't worry about him," she says waving her hand. "Right, bear?"

"Oliver is my best mate, but I won't play his games anymore. Besides, we aren't on the best of terms right now." He gives me a wink with his blackened eye.

"He didn't do anything. He just wound me up, then insulted me when I questioned him about why he showed up at your party," I explain, but my stomach twists with cramps when I think about his cold, hatful expression. I wasn't upset about the fact that he showed up. I was upset because he treated me like I was no one, just some random girl that wanted to get his attention. Like the past didn't matter. I know that it's my fault that he acts this way. I'm dealing with his hatred the best I can. We should be even soon, but I want him to forgive me.

"Right, India. Oliver is my best mate, so it bothers me that you can't see what he is doing," Jacob says unexpectedly, running his hand through his hair. "He isn't hurting you because he wants some sort of payback. He has a soft spot for you, feelings that he can't deal with."

I clench my fists and look away, hating Jacob for telling me this in front of Dora. She has been my best friend for years, but I never shared with her what was happening inside my heart all these years. She always thought that Christian and I were a perfect couple. She wanted to be like me.

"What are you talking about, Jacob?" Dora says. "Oliver isn't interested in India. She ruined his life in high school, so now he is striking back."

"No, Dora, you're wrong," Jacob says, shaking his head. "Despite what went on in the past, Oliver wants India, but he can't have her. That's why he is hurting her. I have never seen him look at any other girl the way he looks at India."

Dora is looking from me to Jacob like she has no idea what Jacob is talking about. I start chewing my bottom lip. My brain starts working faster, digging deep down for some kind of excuse. Dora can't know that Oliver and I had a history in high school. She would never understand this, and her boyfriend isn't buying my I-don't-know-what-you-are-talking-about expression.

"Don't be ridiculous, Jacob, I mean nothing to him. He said that to my face—just before he tried to eat the face off the bimbo who was with him," I say bitterly.

But Jacob is clever. He keeps looking at me like he already knows the whole truth. "I think that Oliver hit me because Dora asked me to introduce you to that new bloke, Russell. Oliver knew that Dora was planning to hook you up and him up. He couldn't take it, so he released his frustration on me. Besides, when he heard what Mackenzie did to you, he went mental. He trashed his room and then sent me down there to rescue you."

I try not to listen, but Dora finally grasps what Jacob is saying. Her jaw drops open and she gets up abruptly.

"Oh my God, India! Jacob is right. Oliver wants you. That's what this is all about," she hisses, looking like her hangover is over. Yeah, she's finally figured out that Oliver's hatred isn't only about me. I hate that I kept that part of my life from her, but I could never bring myself to tell her the whole truth.

"I don't want to talk about it," I say. "Jacob, you're wrong, and Dora please don't listen to him."

I leave my breakfast and hurry back to my room. Jacob doesn't know what he is talking about. Oliver couldn't have punched him because of me. He uses Russell to get to me, to crush me so hard that I won't be able to lift myself up. I would probably have to talk to Dora later on and explain that this whole conversation didn't make sense, but she knows me so well by now. I need some time for myself. Oliver isn't capable of having any feelings for me. That was all in the past.

I throw myself into my TV shows in order to function. Half an hour later, I hear the front door, and then I get the text from Dora.

Are you ok?

I reply that I am and that she shouldn't worry about me. She doesn't text back, so I lie back and drift off.

When I wake up later, I realise that it's late afternoon. It's time to leave the apartment and get some groceries. I move through campus like a cat woman, hoping that I don't have to worry about uncomfortable stares and whispers. My heart still hurts when I think about those words that came out of Oliver's mouth yesterday. Were they true? But after what I did to him, how can they not be true?

I do my shopping, contemplating whether there will be a man for me somewhere out there, one who could understand me and accept me. I wonder if Oliver and I will ever get a second chance, like during that night in his house when we promised that we would love each other no matter what. I tell myself to have some faith. I'm stronger than I was two years ago.

Campus is deserted on Sunday evening, but when I cross the path towards the library I hear Oliver talking with someone by the entrance just as I'm about to round the corner of the building. My heart skips a beat and I almost want to run.

"I told you that she is off limits. She isn't one of those girls that you're used to," says the first voice that belongs to Oliver. I creep closer to the building and hide, pressing my body to the wall.

"It's a free country, Morgan, and by the looks of it she can't resist me." The other voice belongs to Russell and I freeze waiting for more.

"Fuck, you don't get it, do you?" Oliver barks, and my world starts to spin. "That girl isn't like the rest of them. I'm warning you to keep it cool."

Are they talking about me? Are they really that stupid and believe that I would fall for the same joke again?

Russell starts laughing and my stomach makes a flip. He has been playing a game with me for a while and now this conversation only confirms it.

"Don't be such a delusional prick, Morgan. Let the girl decide." Russell laughs. There is something in his tone of voice that I don't like. He can't know that I'm here and I can hear them, so I'm hoping they'll put their cards on the table.

I hear a noise to my right and then hear steps. Panic hits, so before being exposed, I hurry away to the other side of the campus. Tears well up in my eyes. So I was right all along. Oliver asked Russell to play me. And I thought that I could be friends with him.

My mind spins. I'm confused and exhausted being the new India. I just want to have a normal life without surprises. When I walk home, I remember over a year ago that I decided that it was time to face Oliver. It took me twelve months to stop being associated with parties and gossips. It took me just over a year to gain the courage to face him. I wanted so badly to hear his voice. In the end I didn't call him. Instead I packed my bag and went to talk to his mother. I needed to get his address in Edinburgh. This whole story was one I had to tell him face-to-face.

I never made it to Scotland. When I went to see Mrs. Morgan, her car was in the driveway, and the door was open, so I entered. To this day I remember seeing her on the sofa, lying there motionless, like she already gave up and was waiting for her final moment. In a panic and fearing the worst, I rushed to the phone. The rest of the evening was like a bad dream. Police and emergency services arrived. She was taken to hospital.

It turned out I probably saved her life. If I'd arrived a few minutes later, she would have been dead. But I was the reason that Oliver left. If he had stayed at home, she could have been fine. If I hadn't bullied him, his life would have been normal, and maybe his mother would have never tried to kill herself.

# Chapter fourteen

# Crush

## Present

As December arrives, I realise that I'll be going back to Gargle in a few weeks when this term ends. Dora has invited Jacob to meet her mother. She's never done that before. She doesn't want to admit, but she is in love with him.

My relationship with Oliver is still nonexistent. Russell has been trying to flirt, but I keep pushing him away. No one is for me, not yet.

Since I arrived to Braxton I haven't had a chance to speak to Oliver's mother. We became close and I know that she is doing much better now. She started seeing a specialist regularly. Oliver hasn't spoken to her since he vanished from Gargle, but she told me once that she would like to rebuild what she lost with him.

No one knows about my involvement in her struggle and new life. She knows that I wanted it that way, and she promised to keep it as our little secret. In some ways I understand Oliver. Mrs. Morgan never showed him love and affection. She didn't want him, so he abandoned her. It will be hard to get back what we both had, but I'm willing to show him that I'm not the same heartless bitch from two years ago.

In the past few weeks I have been training extensively. The competition is coming up and I want to qualify to represent Braxton on a national level. I haven't spoken to Mackenzie since Dora punched her at the party. Mackenzie doesn't show up for practise, but other girls have been saying that they've seen her on the gym. Dora humiliated her because of me, and Mackenzie isn't the kind of girl who would just let it go.

When I saw her face a few days after Dora's birthday, I felt a little guilty. She has been a real bitch, but Dora went too far. After the incident in the changing room, Oliver broke up with her. Other students were talking about this in the library, and when I came home later on Dora confirmed it. We didn't have to wait long to see Oliver with someone else. He found Mackenzie's replacement pretty quickly.

People have been less interested in me, but I still get odd looks when I pass through the corridors. People talk about me, but they look at me with more respect now, like they are scared to cross me.

Russell has been a real nuisance lately. I have been trying to ignore him, but today this seems to be impossible. Even when I find a quiet spot in the back of the canteen to eat lunch, he still manages to stalk me.

"Hey, India, how you doing? I've been looking everywhere for you."

I stop eating my pasta and scan the room searching for Oliver. He must be here. Otherwise Russell wouldn't just show up. When I caught them talking about me outside the library, it was clear that those two were planning something. Oliver has always been determined, and he will end what he started.

"Oh yeah, and why is that?" I ask, sounding bored. Normally if I ignore people they go away, but Russell seems stubborn.

"Because I want to take you out. You can't say no. You know you want me." He smirks, sitting back.

I might be stronger and transformed, but that nightmare from two years ago sticks to me like a fly in a trap. I can't let anyone in. "I don't date and I never will date anyone from here. You are nice guy, but nothing is going to happen between you and me," I say quietly.

"Is this something to do with that prick Morgan? Is he your psycho ex-boyfriend?" he asks, and I can't help but laugh. I ought to tell him that he is close, but it was the first brother who was the psycho.

"Maybe he is, but you'll never know. I have a class to go to."

"Let me walk with you."

"You don't have to do that."

"I want to show you that I can be your friend. I can deal with that for now," he adds "Soon you'll realise that you can't resist me and you'll want more."

"Dream on."

Russell is funny, but I don't think he knows what he wants.

People stare as we leave the canteen and I start to wonder if I'm really that interesting.

Dora has been trying to convince me that I should try to talk to Oliver. She doesn't understand why he's playing those games with me. According to her, we are meant for each other. Christian died, so we shouldn't feel guilty. I know that I have to tell her the truth sooner rather than later. As I walk back to the apartment, that memory of the night from the party races in front of my eyes.

##

## Past

I had been tense all day, but I promised to help Christian with the food preparation for his party. I hadn't seen Oliver since Thursday. After our steamy conversation in his room I couldn't stop thinking about him.

Christian wasn't too happy with me. He'd asked me to wait for him that night, and when he came home I wasn't there. We didn't talk about this. Luckily, he was too busy worrying about his upcoming match.

"I've got a big surprise for you, Indi. You will love it," he said, kissing my neck when we were finally alone. I smiled lightly, wondering if I had the guts to tell him that we were finished. His temper was easily inflamed, so I didn't know what to expect tomorrow when Oliver and I planned to tell him. I wished that I could tell him now and get this over with, but Oliver wasn't there, and I promised him that we would talk to Christian together.

"Maybe you shouldn't organise anything for the party, a lot of people will be here and you should be playing a good host instead of worrying about surprising me," I replied.

He stood in his living room staring at like me he could see what was coming. "You are so beautiful, and tonight you'll be the happiest girl on this planet," he said tucking my hair behind my ear. There was something in his eyes that petrified me and I was suddenly scared shitless of what was about to happen.

##

## Present

Now I know that Christian already knew that I didn't love him then. His plan was simple, and I fell for it without hesitation, thinking that he deserved to know the truth.

The next few days pass without surprises. Russell keeps coming up to me trying to talk me into going out with him, but I can't concentrate on anything else apart from the upcoming race. Tomorrow is going to be freezing cold, but the competition is going through. Every year students compete against each other no matter how bad the weather is. I have been training harder in the past few weeks. I did a few rounds in shells, trying to familiarise myself with the river, but it's not the same when I'm alone. There is no pressure or expectations.

"Are you nervous?" Dora asks for the fourth time in less than thirteen hours before the race. So far I'm doing everything that I can to forget that I have a very important day ahead of me, but Dora just keeps asking questions, reminding me.

"No, Dora, I'm not. How many times do you I have to tell you this?"

She folds her arms together, dipping her hand into my popcorn. "You have to beat that bitch Mackenzie."

I roll my eyes, knowing that deep down I want to win with Mackenzie, after all we will be competing against each other. She has been training equally hard and she is really focused. This race will be tough, but that doesn't mean that I can't show her that I deserve to be treated with respect.

"Stop going on about this and let me relax. You promised not to talk about it."

"I know, but it's hard!" she says. "By the way, Russell and Oliver will be there, and they will cheer for you. People have been talking. You have more supporters than you expect."

"I doubt that." I sigh. "Besides, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm not interested in either Oliver or Russell. They can both go to hell."

"Oliver cares about you, I can tell, but I guess it's hard for him to forget that you were such a bitch to him."

We have been through this over and over again, but Dora still thinks that somehow Oliver and I will put aside our differences and become friends, and then we will magically fall in love with each other.

"Do you think that I would just forget how he treated me since I've been here? Do you think that I could be with him after all those cruel pranks?"

"If he can forgive you for the drama in high school, then you can. After all, everyone deserves a second chance."

Dora's head is in the clouds. She lives in that perfect world where everyone lives happily ever after.

I go to bed later that night, knowing that I might still be in love with Oliver, but there is nothing left to fight for. We are both are done with each other.

Next day, I'm up at seven in the morning feeling sick. It's just nerves, I tell myself. Mum knows about the competition, so when I check my phone there is a text message from her wishing me a good luck. I make scrambled eggs, but I can barely swallow anything. My stomach growls and I start doubting my potential when I look out the window.

The weather is rough and the temperature is low, but the whole school will gather to watch. Braxton is known for its rowing, and if I do well here I could compete on a national level in April.

Dora gets up just after eight and complains about the early start before she settles with a cup of coffee. Jacob shows up in our apartment a few minutes later. When he shows me a banner with my name, I hug him. His support means a lot to me.

"I placed a bet on you, so now you have to win."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," I say.

"No problem," he says. "I know that you're going to win anyway. I don't need to bet to know that."

"I'll try my best. This race is important to me."

Then he adds, "Oliver will be watching you."

My breath catches, but then I remember that I'm doing this for myself. And maybe it's a way to fix what's broken. Oliver might never forgive me, but he might start respect me.

We leave the house around nine. By the time we reach the river I'm so nervous that I can't feel my legs. I have been training hard and I know that I can do this. A few people wish me good luck on my way to the shells, people that I have never spoken to before. Maybe Dora is right. People are eager to see me out there.

As we approach the river, everything becomes hazy. I see the crowds of people, way more than I expected. The first group of girls to go is already in the shells. Their race will start shortly.

I spot Mackenzie, and her face is fully healed. She doesn't make eye contact, and she looks focused. It's a bad sign, but I tell myself that I'm here for me, not her. She is just part of the race.

Twenty minutes later, the crowd gets excited and cheers as two girls start racing. I spot Oliver in the front row. He is standing beside Jacob and Dora. On his right side is the girl that he kissed in front of me at Dora's birthday. She has her arms wrapped around his waist, looking all loved up. A wave of jealousy makes it's way to my heart, reminding me that the feelings I had for him are still there, raw and real. Nothing is going to change that.

But he looks like he already forgot about Mackenzie. I don't get why Oliver is here. Probably just to distract me, drilling my reputation down to the ground. He doesn't like rowing, nor he does he like me. Maybe this is his way to show me that he doesn't even care if I win today or lose.

It's stopped raining now, but my teeth chatter as the adrenaline whisks through my body, crawling under my skin. I pace up and down, thinking positive, going through my strategy as I planned earlier. Within minutes, two girls are finished, the first race is over, and I'm next. Everything moves so quickly. I feel like I was at home five minutes ago, and in a few seconds the fire gun will go off again.

"Just chill, India," my coach says with a friendly pat on the back. "You worked hard; now you just have to give it everything you've got."

"Okay, ladies, take your positions," says the official in charge as soon as everything is set. I stare blankly, wondering where the time has gone. Within moments I'll be out there, racing away the frustration.

I take a few deep breaths, embracing the atmosphere. This is why I came to Braxton: to enjoy myself and to compete. I tell myself Oliver isn't here. This race is all about me, and only me.

Mackenzie gives me a dirty look when I get into my shell, but I ignore her. She is trying to distract me. Some people are already cheering for her.

My heart is thumping fast. I block off the voices and concentrate. Then I look at Jacob's banner and I get a warm feeling inside my belly.

It's not long before the organiser fires the shot, and I start moving through the water smoothly. All the tension is gone. Now it's all about the speed and strength of my body. Oars hitting the water with excellent precision, I balance my breaths and row through.

For the first few hundred meters we are head-to-head. Mackenzie doesn't have time to look at me. I work my muscles, rowing fast but steady through the grey river. A few brave students run with us. They are cheering for Mackenzie. I try to stay close to her, keeping an even but competitive speed until we reach the town centre and the bridge. She is slightly ahead of me now, but it doesn't matter. I'm saving my strength for the end. There are more people watching us from the banks in town, also cheering for both of us.

Within minutes my T-shirt sticks to my back and my arms start to ache. My pace is good, but I slowly move ahead of her, fearing that if I let her get away I might lose. I lick my lips, breathing through my teeth. It's a short and fast race, and soon enough we both have around five hundred meters to go—and this time I'm ahead. The pain fires in my arms, my skin is numb from the cold, and my mouth is dry. I hold the oars tighter.

Every stroke feels like it's the last one I can make. My heart pumps more blood, my pulse is racing. I hear people standing on the outside. I hear my name being called, and I know that I must carry on to win. There is still so much more needed, and I know that I have to give it, to show everyone that I can fight back. Nothing seems impossible when I reach the last two hundred meters ahead of Mackenzie. My muscles are burning, as pain surges through my whole body. Every movement feels like hell. My arms are smoldering and I feel like every breath is my last one. Two hundred meters in and I'm moving quicker and smoother, detaching my pulsing body from my mind. The line is coming closer and closer, the crowd is cheering, and I just have to find that last bit of strength within me.

Sweat covers my eyes, and my grip loosens as we approach the final bend. I'm so far ahead, the happiness embraces me, and my heart is pounding with abnormal speed. Dark, heavy clouds hang overhead, but in this final moment I can enjoy what's coming. Looking ahead, I see people standing on the banks, cheering and screaming for me.

Then, out of the blue, time goes still, and even if I continue to row, my shell loses speed. On my right I see a man. He is waiting for me at the finish line. Terror jets through my veins and everything starts moving in a very slow motion. I'm being pulled down by a demon who rose from hell to haunt me, to end what he started. The oxygen can't get through to my lungs, and my shell is being pulled down into the water.

I blink rapidly, seeing Christian on the other side of the river, waving. My stomach cramps with intense fear as I try to make out if that's really him. Little darts of terror pulse through my system. I don't hear the voices of other people anymore. Now it's only me trying to pull out of that mirage of seeing him alive.

Even if I try to work my body, the darkness is closing on me, sucking me in. The tiny voice in my head tells me that it's just a hallucination, but he seems so real.

At that final moment I know he is there. Distracted by the image of my dead ex-boyfriend, my oar gets in the way and I yank it too much to the right, which turns my shell out. I dive deep into the water, his creepy laugh ringing in my mind.

Panic strikes as the shell pulls me down. Fear clenches my throat, suffocating me. I hold my breath, but I'm being pulled under the surface trying to wiggle my legs, but yet another secret comes out. No one ever taught me how to swim and I never had a chance to learn. I try to reach for the shell or the oar, but I'm blinded by the fear and panic and go down fast. It's not long before I let Christian take me. The water gets to my lungs, my heartbeat slows down, and my whole life flashes in front of my eyes. No one apart from my mum knows that I can't swim, so no one expects me to drown.

Is this how I'm going to die, right in front of everyone who came to cheer for me? I sink down, my legs and hands making feeble attempts. I can't hold my breath any longer; my head feels like it's about to explode.

I drift into darkness.

Then I hear voices and I feel like someone is pulling me. The freezing cold air hits my lungs and I take a gulp of oxygen. My mind is fuzzy. Someone is touching me. I start coughing, spitting out the water. A lot of people are talking at the same time.

"Why did she take rowing if she couldn't swim?"

"I don't know, sir. We didn't know."

"Krakowsky, you should have asked. This was close, too close!"

"Good that Evans reacted."

"India, oh my God, India!"

I open my eyes and see Dora, who is leaning over me, touching my face. She is white as chalk. Then I spot Russell without a shirt, wet and breathing heavily. He stands next to me looking like he was just dragged out of water. Medics and organizers are rushing over me.

"What's going on? What happened?" I ask, trying to sit up, but someone pushes me down.

"Don't get up; just stay there for now."

"You made a wrong move, your shell rotated, and you fell," says an older guy that I recognise as one of the organisers. "Why didn't you say that you couldn't swim? If it wasn't for Coleman here, you would have drowned."

Someone puts a blanket over me, medics are pushing Dora away. All of a sudden my memory comes back. My race, the competition—and Christian. The colour drains from my face, my chest heaves.

"The race?" I ask.

The coach waves his hand in the air. "Mackenzie won, just before your shell rotated. You screwed up; it was too close to the finish."

"Don't worry about the race, India, you're alive!" says Dora. I feel as if I'm either going to float away or pass out. I keep taking long deep breaths until the blackness in my vision goes away. I look at Russell, who is smiling. I'm unable to form any kind of explanation or even a thank you. My whole world has just crashed. I hear people shouting Mackenzie's name, others are staring at me, probably trying to figure out went wrong.

"India, you're still here. No one understood what was going on. You were pulled down so quickly," says Dora.

I swallow my tears and slowly get up, filled with emptiness. Everything that comes after this feels like a dream. I'm told that I have to go in the ambulance to get checked out at the school clinic. Jacob and Dora are with me, but I have to pass through the crowd of people. This wasn't supposed to go wrong. I was winning it. People are staring, some of them whispering between themselves. I already know what they're all thinking. Yet again, I proved that I'm worthless.

After the check up, I'm told that I have to take it easy for the rest of the day.

Jacob brings his car and half an hour later I'm in our apartment sitting on the sofa, trying to feel something, but that hole in my stomach is still there. I didn't even have a chance to thank Russell. He saved my life. Dora and Jacob are with me. I'm staring out the window going through the race over and over.

Christian wasn't there. I just imagined the past and created him because I was afraid to win. I thought I had put my past aside, but today I was back at that party, back in the room with him. If I walk through the campus tomorrow, people will still remember me. I'm the girl that made a fool of herself and lost the race because she couldn't handle her shell. The girl that Oliver detests because of the past.

Dora sits next to me and hands me a cup of coffee. "Drink this, you'll feel better."

"Thanks," I reply.

She doesn't need to say anything for a long moment.

"You might have lost the race, but you're alive, and that's what matters right now. You can compete again," she assures me, looking uncomfortable.

I laugh. "I doubt that they'll let me. I can't swim."

"Oh come on, of course they will. Besides, you can always learn."

"Maybe," I say. "This is funny, isn't it? Oliver didn't even have to do anything this time. I made a fool of myself without his help."

Dora looks away. "I have to tell you something," she says. "Oliver was the one that reacted first. He wanted to jump in the water, but then Russell must have heard him shouting so he jumped in first."

I turn my gaze to look at her. "What are you talking about?"

"Well, he wanted to dive in as soon as you went under water, like he knew straight away that you couldn't swim. He started shouting, he wanted someone to react."

I can't comprehend what she is talking about. Oliver didn't know that I couldn't swim.

"But Russell was the one that pulled me out of the water?" I ask.

"Yeah, he was standing closer to the finish line. He didn't even hesitate."

"Well, maybe Oliver thought if he let me die, he wouldn't have anyone else to pick on." I laugh, trying to turn this into a joke.

Dora is quiet and it looks like she wants to say something else. It's strange because she normally can't keep her mouth shut. "Listen, there is more."

"More?"

"Today, just before I joined Jacob by the river, I overheard them talking."

"Them? Who is them?" I ask, feeling my stomach turn inside out. Dora is acting weird and I don't think that I want to hear the rest of this story. Maybe tomorrow, but today I've had enough.

"Oliver and Jacob, they were talking about you."

My heart starts beating again, but I get up feeling a little dizzy. "Please, Dora, I don't want to hear anymore. I don't care that they were saying about me. Not today, not now."

"Shut up, India, and listen to me. I know that you had a hell of a day, but you've got to hear me out. Jacob was right. Oliver is interested in you. Jacob pushed him. He wanted to know why Oliver was doing all these horrible things to you."

"I know Oliver. He doesn't like talking about himself," I whisper.

"He nearly punched Jacob again, but then he finally admitted. Oliver was in love with you. It was probably when you were going out with his brother."

My head starts to spin. Dora has no idea what she is talking about. I feel nauseous even thinking about what she heard. We both loved each other once, but now it seems as if we were never meant to be together, that fate isn't on our side. "Dora, listen, I think you are getting a bit ahead of yourself. Oliver hates me."

"He said that he doesn't love you anymore and that he will leave you alone. No more pranks, rumours, or any games. He doesn't care about the bet anymore," she explains, looking lost. "Jacob was right all along: he couldn't have you so he decided to hurt you."

I sit down, disappointment stabbing my heart. Her words are hurtful, but I should have expected that. He didn't want to forgive me, and he stopped loving me. I suppose it's what I deserve for hurting him so much.

"He told Jacob that he is tired of these games. He doesn't want to be haunted by his past," she continues. "You don't have to worry about him. He lost the bet."

So Oliver cut me off. He won't carry on hurting me anymore because he is done with what happened after his brother died. The stupid part of it is that I prefer the pain and humiliation to what I'm going through right now. Losing him completely. Hot air rushes in and out of my chest and that hollow feeling comes back, embracing every part of my body.

Oliver will leave me alone, because he doesn't love me anymore. I should be happy and relieved, but deep down I feel like someone has died.

We are going to be further away from each other than we've ever been.

# Chapter fifteen

#

# Day After the Storm

##

## Present

It takes me a few days to realise that events from the past few days weren't just a bad dream. I can't seem to shake off that horrible feeling in my gut that I might be slowly losing my sanity.

I know I should be strong, but I can't stop wondering how everything has fallen apart so quickly. The race was supposed to redeem me from that terrible reputation that I took on since my arrival.

One person can only take so much, and now I think I might as well start over somewhere else, far away from Braxton.

Oliver wasn't involved this time, but the past keeps stepping on my toes, closing up on me. It will suffocate me if I don't let go of the grief.

While I start thinking straight, I make a decision and go back to Gargle, this time without Dora.

She has her own plans and in the end she doesn't mind if I go back home earlier than planned. Her mother is expecting her and Jacob. There is no point in me ruining their plans for a Christmas break just because I had a bad couple of days.

I arrive home on Monday. One look at me and my mum already knows I am an emotional wreck. She knows I lost, but she doesn't know the impact I caused on campus. As usual, she tries to act reasonable, telling me these things happen and I'm going to fight harder in my next race. She doesn't know I might not have another chance to compete, unless I learn how to swim.

My unfortunate fall into the river will not be easily forgotten. If I decide to go back to Braxton in January, I will have to buy a mask. People will be talking about me for a while.

It was Oliver who topped off everything that happened that day. He has decided I have humiliated myself enough already, so now he can step down.

Oliver has moved past his desire for revenge—he got what he wanted—and now he is moving on. His words still buzz in my mind, and I start to wonder if there was ever anything between us.

It takes me a few days to gain the confidence to get out of the house. It's only a week before Christmas, and this glorious Sunday morning seems like a perfect time for a quick walk.

My birthday is coming up soon, but I don't think I can celebrate my new age this year. Being twenty doesn't change the fact that my life is falling apart.

Gargle is a small town where everyone knows each other. A few neighbours smile as I pass by, greeting me with a friendly wave or nod. It's been so long since I walked through these alleys—how eager I was to move far away from here.

My stomach is in knots when I think what I'm about to do. I've been thinking about this since the fall. There is no point in dragging out this decision.

It's time to see Mrs. Morgan. She has to know that the son she idolised so much in the past was a psychopath. She has to understand that she created a monster and Oliver was just a victim.

Mrs. Morgan and I had an understanding on a much deeper level. She told me once that she would do anything to crush the wall that had been building up between Oliver and her. All I want is for him to forgive me, and if I can help him connect with his mother again, then he might change his mind about us. I already know our feelings are long forgotten, but he still holds a grudge against me, and this time it's all about him forgiving what I've done.

This is my new therapy. If I get this terrible secret off my chest and bring mother and son closer, then I can close that part of my life forever. My redemption will be complete, and in the end, we can both go our separate ways.

Twenty minutes later, I stand in front of a white door and hesitate. Black thoughts start piling up in my mind, but after a long moment of silence, I take a deep breath and knock.

Last time, it took me a year to face this house again, but in the end I did it. Now I have to take one more step and just get this off my chest. Mrs. Morgan is going to be the first person for now. She can control her illness, but will she understand that her son was cruel and manipulative?

Soon, the door opens and Mrs. Morgan stands in the doorway, looking astonished at seeing me.

"Oh my God, India. What are you doing here?"

"Christmas break," I explain, smiling.

"Of course, I should have thought so," she mutters, hugging me tightly. "But this is not like you. I normally get the phone call at least a day in advance."

Mrs. Morgan is right. It's always been like that. I make the phone call and then later I show up at her door. Then we talk. I keep telling myself I'm here because of me, not Oliver, but the fear of falling creeps under my skin, corrupting my calm thoughts. It's never easy to share the secret.

"I arrived a few days ago, earlier than I originally planned. I really wanted to talk to you, and I forgot to call," I explain as we walk inside. The house hasn't changed and it's been a while since I've been here. Bad, gloomy memories squirm back to me like sticky, slimy worms. It seems as if Christian's soul never left this house.

My stomach heaves and I think I might start screaming, so I close my eyes for a few seconds.

He isn't here. It's just your imagination.

"You must be starving. Come on to the kitchen. I made a stew, your favourite." She beams. Mrs. Morgan looks incredibly well for a person that went through a major nervous breakdown a year ago. Her black, shiny hair is cut by her shoulders; her skin looks healthy. She wears full makeup, and her clothes are more defined. The new medication and therapy are obviously working.

"Thank you, Mrs. Morgan, but I have to say no. I came here for a reason. I need to talk to you," I say, standing by the table and ignoring that sorrowful feeling in my stomach. She narrows her eyes, studying my face, always trying to guess what I might come up with next. Mrs. Morgan has no idea that Oliver isn't living in Scotland anymore. She has no idea he has been studying in Braxton all this time.

"India, come on. Don't be so serious. I don't think I like you like that," she says.

"It's about Oliver," I say.

Her eyes darken with a shadow of regret, but I have her full attention now.

"What about Oliver? You know, I don't think we should talk about him since he made it clear he doesn't want to know me," she explains, looking away.

"He's in Braxton."

Mrs. Morgan shakes her head, smoothing the edges of her skirt nervously.

"No, India. Why would Oliver be in Braxton? He's in Edinburgh... I tried to call him, but his number is no longer active."

"You don't get it. Oliver isn't in Scotland. He's studying with me in Braxton," I insist, but Mrs. Morgan looks angry.

"I don't appreciate you making this sort of cruel joke."

"Mrs. Morgan, please. Oliver is on his second year in Braxton, studying Sports and Management. Please, I'm not lying. I think he was in Scotland at first, but then he must have changed his mind."

Her eyes dart away like she's trying to push past memories from when she wasn't in control.

"But... I don't understand—"

"That's why I'm here, so I can help you understand. It's a long story and I'm the centre of all of that. He moved to Braxton because he knew I would eventually show up there."

Mrs. Morgan still doesn't get what I'm trying to tell her and she won't for some time. It's time to reveal the secret that I've been hiding for over two years. The secret that destroyed not only my life, but also Oliver's. I start from the beginning and tell her that I was never in love with her dead son. I run through that first day at school when I first saw Christian and Oliver together.

My voice trembles, and she keeps interrupting, but I'm determined to continue.

Mrs. Morgan is here to listen. I know she might be suffering hearing the truth about her beloved son, but his behaviour cannot be forgotten. It's part of the healing process, and she has to know what was happening inside her home.

It takes me more than an hour and a river of tears to go through the events of that night. My whole body is shaking while I describe bit by bit what was happening in the attic.

She sits here staring at me, her eyes getting wider and wider. I pour out everything that's there. Mrs. Morgan has deluded herself for too long that Christian was perfect. He had a great future in front of him, but the darkness within him was making other people miserable.

I never had a therapist, but even if I had, I don't know if that would've changed anything. People would have called me a liar. No one would believe that the most promising high school student had a black mark on his soul.

"Do you want me to continue?" I ask, my voice cracking. Mrs. Morgan's eyes move from me to the floor like she can't believe I'm nowhere near the end. It takes her a moment to answer, but when she does, it's just a nod.

I feel nauseous going back to that night, remembering his touch, but I know I must carry on. When I get to the part where I'm destroying her already dead son, utterly taking away her memories of him, for a moment I think I might not get to the end. She stares at me and keeps staring without saying a word for a long while. Taking a deep breath, I continue.

Tears are streaming down Mrs. Morgan's face, but she tells me to keep talking. It's wrong. I should have talked to Oliver first so he can understand why I changed and treated him without respect.

My new me is part of my redemption. Oliver doesn't love me anymore, but I need to gain his forgiveness. If I help him rebuild what they lost together, then it will be much easier for him to understand why I did what I had to.

It's late when I complete my story. Even the air in Mrs. Morgan's house is filled with pain and there are so many tears, for both of us.

"India, I had no idea. This is beyond me," she says after a long moment of silence.

I feel like I'm burning out my old self, like I can finally look at myself in the mirror and not see the darkness that creeps over my back.

I wipe the tears from my face and dart my eyes to look at her. She is suffering more than me because her memory of Christian has been shattered.

"No one knew," I whisper. "And then he died and I didn't have the courage to say anything."

Maybe I'm lying to myself. I could have gone to my mum. She would have understood everything.

Before I can even take a deep breath and thank her for her kind words, she gets up and hugs me.

"I should have known something was wrong," she keeps saying, not letting me out of her arms. "I should have guessed."

I look at her sad, dark eyes, but she keeps her emotions shielded, not letting me through.

She looks away and puts on the kettle. Heavy tension cracks the air, and I'm waiting for her to tell me more.

"It was in the beginning of our marriage, before we had Oliver and Christian. My husband was cruel and he hit me countless times. He wasn't the person that everyone thought he was," she says, her voice breaking in tears again. "Listen, I don't even want to talk about it, not now when you are hurting like that. I just want you to understand this is all my fault. I should have seen this coming."

I bring my hands to my lips. The air ceases in my chest.

Mrs. Morgan might understand how I'm feeling right now because this all started with her husband. I know this isn't a real explanation, but now we both share a similar story.

"Mr. Morgan was the cause of your illness. He didn't want you to get better, did he?" I choke, trying to get back to my steady, confident voice.

She exhales and then inhales like she's trying to brace her tears.

"He knew I wasn't in great shape when he married me, but I wanted to please my parents, so I did what I thought was best," she explains and then smiles. "Please don't think I'm trying to explain my dead son. What he did to you is beyond comprehension, and I don't know if I'll ever know why I didn't notice his behaviour earlier."

"It's over. He is dead. And I finally shared this with someone important to me. I'll be fine. I coped and I'm still coping now. You don't have to worry about me."

It's the truth. I hurt Oliver just to carry on living, but now it's time to move on. I'm a new me and I no longer want to keep secrets. Once I know that Oliver has forgiven me, then I'll tell him the whole truth. I don't want his forgiveness out of pity. This wouldn't feel right.

"Does Oliver know?" she asks.

Her sudden question throws me off guard. I look away.

"No, he doesn't."

"That's why you guys drifted apart after Christian's death?"

Another question so close to the truth.

"Yes," I whisper. "I wasn't coping well so I started hating him."

"Of course you didn't tell anyone."

"Didn't you try to talk to him after... after he left?"

The tears swell in her eyes when I mention Oliver. She's hurting because she pushed him away. "He left as soon as he graduated. He never came back to visit me. It was like I'd lost another son. I was never a good mother, not for Oliver."

"Maybe you should try talking to him. Now you know where he is staying."

"I try. I'll do anything to get him back. Frank can't hurt me anymore. We're divorced. I have to fix this," she says. Her face lights up.

We talk a bit more, and then I leave.

Oliver will talk to her again—I'll make sure of that—but we both need time. Mrs. Morgan abused Oliver's trust and destroyed everything that is supposed to be between mother and son.

One part of me got rid of that terrible secret; the other is still fighting. I stand in the middle of the street, scrolling through my phone, searching for the number for a taxi.

Then I lift my head, feeling like someone is watching me. Something inside me turns and the dread slowly moves over my chest. On the other side of the street, I see a man who moves away from the shadow.

The colour drains from my face when I finally recognise the person. It's Oliver and he's staring right at me. Countless thoughts rush through my mind.

What is he doing here? Has he come back to talk to his mother?

I should just walk up to him and ask him, but I'm chained by the feeling in my gut that he isn't here because of his mother. Somehow he knew I would be here tonight.

Within the blink of an eye, he turns around and vanishes behind his neighbour's house. I stand still for another several minutes, thinking about my conversation with his mother. I know for sure he couldn't hear me. He just showed up, but maybe he followed me. I have no idea why he's here. Maybe Dora was wrong. Maybe he still cares about me.

I will probably have to ask him to find out.

# Chapter sixteen

# New Year's Eve

## Present

Christmas day comes and goes. Mum keeps nagging me to invite Dora over, but I explain that she is away with her new boyfriend. Besides, I don't even know when she will be back to Gargle. Mum doesn't know about my past, and for now it needs to stay that way. She has enough problems on her own, and I don't want to get her involved with my drama. Everything will fall into place eventually.

When I'm back home, I can't quite believe how much my sister Josephine has grown up. She is a book nerd, much more mature than I was at her age. Mum has never been a strict parent. Josephine and I always had a lot of freedom, and maybe that's why I want to keep this secret hidden. My mother doesn't deserve to take the blame for what Christian did, and I know she would if she knew the truth. She was never fond of him. She often said I shouldn't be with someone just because I thought it was right at the time.

After a few days, Oliver's return to Gargle triggers my thoughts. I still can't believe he showed up outside his own house after two years. The rhythm of my heart misses a beat whenever I think about how he just stood there, staring at me. Even in a crowd, we can find each other, like some kind of current in my body pulls me to him when he's near.

It's close to New Year's Eve when I finally hear from Dora. She texts to say she'll be at this party at Melanie Clarke's house on the other side of town. She wants me to go with her, and as usual, she doesn't take rejection lightly. Mum is taking Josephine to some sixth grade party in the community centre, and I contemplate if I really want to go out and meet people that aren't in my life anymore.

"Dora called again. She wants to know if you're going out tonight?" asks Mum, raising her left eyebrow, thinking there must seriously be something wrong me if I don't want to celebrate New Year's Eve.

"I've been thinking about it—"

"Call her and tell her you're going to join her. Dora has been on the phone twice already, and she's right. You have to have fun like you used to!" says Mum.

Nothing is like it used to be, but Mum is right. I can at least try to enjoy myself.

After that, I call Dora and assure her I'll make it to the party. Melanie is our mutual friend. We all went to school together. Melanie stayed in Gargle, found a job as a hairdresser, and appears to be happy. I don't get how Dora managed to even get an invitation. She never used to like Melanie at school. After all, it's Gargle and people don't often organise parties around here.

When Mum and Josephine are gone, I get ready. I put on a short, fitted black dress, and after some touchup on my makeup, I'm done. I take a taxi to Melanie's house. Her parents must be out of town. Otherwise, she wouldn't be allowed to throw a party like this. She lives in one of those large townhouses outside Gargle. I don't need to look for Dora long. She's outside, talking to a few girls from high school, who obviously came back from uni for Christmas break.

"Hey, India. Oh my God, could you be any later?" asks my best friend, giving me one of her "stern" looks.

"You said eight o'clock. Besides, it's New Year's Eve. What am I supposed to do here until midnight?"

"Party hard and enjoy yourself." She giggles. Dora's obviously had a few already. She looks positively happy. Her boyfriend Jacob is probably inside.

"I'll try. By the way, how did your visit go?"

"Excellent. His parents are in love with me already, and my mum... Well, you know she's saying I'm not taking uni seriously." Dora likes to exaggerate that her mum is caught up with her own career too much. My best friend always wants to have something to moan about.

"Why wouldn't they be? You're amazing." I tease.

"Whatever, let's go in. Jacob is making cocktails."

Inside, I find a bunch of people I barely know, mostly guys and a few girls. There's no sign of Melanie. A tiny voice in the back of my head reminds me that Oliver might be still in town, but I know Oliver wouldn't dare to be around people who remember him, especially not after what went on in high school. In the kitchen, there are a few girls I recognise, and Jacob, who is entertaining the crowd, throwing glasses around, probably trying to make his special cocktails.

"You got to try this. It's amazing," says Dora, shoving me a glass of pink liquid with ice.

"What is it?"

"Strawberry mojito. It's yummy... Jacob's new creation," she says. Okay, I don't want to play a total douche, so I drink a little. She's right for once. This drink tastes pretty good.

"Forget about your strict code for tonight and that stupid race. No one knows what happened in Braxton, so you don't have to worry. Just have fun!"

"I'm not going to get drunk, Dora. What if Oliver—"

Crap, I said too much, but despite the alcohol in Dora's system, it's already too late. She heard me.

"Oliver? Why would he be here? He hates this place." She laughs, but when she meets my eyes, her smile disappears.

"Wow, I recognise that look on your face. You're serious. Oliver's here, isn't he?"

Busted.

Dora has no idea I'm close with Oliver's mother. Actually, she has no idea I'm secretly planning to rekindle his relationship with his mother in order to gain his forgiveness. I'm a terrible liar, so I might as well tell her what's happened.

"I saw him a few days ago," I admit, drinking more mojito. "I don't get why he's here, unless this has something to do with his mother."

"Fuck, I have no idea. Anyway, you shouldn't have to worry. He's done with you for now."

"Yes, he is."

He might be done with me, but I'm most certainly not done with him yet. I know there's nothing left between us, but seeing him a few days ago brought some kind of emotional turmoil to my heart. It's like I've been waiting for him to show up so we can communicate like two civilised people.

God, what am I even thinking? Oliver has decided to leave me alone, and I should be grateful. This is what I wanted all along.

I try to blend into the atmosphere for the rest of the evening. Dora keeps drinking cocktails, but she seems to be more sober than everyone else at this party. I try to put my head down and stop worrying about my return to Braxton. People won't stop talking about me because the handsome rugby star lost interest in me. There will be another race, and I can convince my trainer to let me compete. I can learn how to swim. This can't be such a big deal.

Melanie appears close to eleven. She doesn't even recognise me. She's too drunk to keep her balance, so I get out of her way. I make my way upstairs to the toilet, feeling slightly dizzy. Jacob put a lot of rum in that cocktail, and my legs are a little wobbly. I do my business in the bathroom and hurry downstairs to find Dora. I don't even look where I'm going, and I trip and land on someone's chest. The smell of that cologne brings back all the memories from the past. The heat that suddenly embraces me is too much to bear. I take a few tiny breaths and look up. My heart leaps in my throat when I realise I'm staring into Oliver's blue eyes.

"India, I've been looking for you. We need to talk," he says when I take a step back. The warmth of his skin sends tiny tingles down my arms, and the surging desire starts building up in my stomach. I might be tipsy, but I know I have nothing to talk about, not after what Dora has heard.

"I'm busy. Let me pass," I say, intentionally trying to sound like I don't give a crap that he's here, but my breath is stuck in my throat. I don't know how to escape his penetrating gaze. My legs are glued to the floor and a few girls stare with curiosity at this new Oliver. They probably don't even recognise him.

"I'm not open to negotiations, Indi. Come," he orders, and I shiver when he turns me around and pushes me forward. My legs move, but my mind doesn't register why I'm so obedient. It's like we're back at that Halloween party when Oliver turned up dressed as Dracula.

I can hear his shallow breath on the back of my neck. My heart flutters in my chest and luscious heat rises as my mind wanders to when he had me in his arms. I try to ease off my thoughts and gain control of myself.

Oliver is really back in Gargle, after more than two years. This is my chance to finally make this right, to make him understand I'm not the old India anymore.

"This is a good place to start," I hear him say. He pushes me inside the dark room and closes the door. My head is spinning away when he switches on the light.

He looks tense when I stare back at him.

"What are you doing in Gargle?" I ask, trying to slow down my skyrocketing pulse.

"Shut up, Indi. I'm asking questions right now, not you," he barks. In any other situation, I would tell him I'm done with him insulting me, but right now I'm under the influence of alcohol and not in full control.

"We have nothing to say to each other, and I'm partying, so spare me the drama."

His hair is too long, falling over his forehead, and he's damn cute with that wild look.

"What did you do in my mother's house?"

He goes into interrogation mode straightaway, without small talk. He doesn't need to do small talk with me because we're enemies. We hate each other.

"I don't need to explain myself to you."

His arches his eyebrow and clenches his fists like he having trouble with self-control. I must be really annoying if I have that kind of effect on him.

"If you expect me to apologise for the pranks I played on you, then forget it. I'm not going to. You only got what you deserved, but I'm asking you nicely. Tell me, what did you do in my house?"

I look at his eyes and melt from inside out, like a delicious chocolate dessert under the hot sun. My feelings for Oliver have never been so intense, and now I have him in front of me, so terribly close. He's right. I can't expect him to apologise because I didn't deserve a warm welcome from him when I came to Braxton back in September.

"Your mother called. She wanted to know if I heard from you," I lie. Okay, maybe there is some truth to this, but Oliver can't know I'm close to his mother. Not yet anyway.

His lips twitch and I can only imagine what's going on inside his head. Mrs. Morgan hated him. She never showed him any affection, consideration, or love, so she can't demand to know how he's managing his own life.

"I don't get why that woman wants to know anything about me," he states like he's addressing himself, not me.

"She wants to make peace. Maybe you should—"

"I don't take advice from anyone, especially from a heartless bitch like you," he snaps, looking at me like I'm dirt. I swallow hard and what comes next out of my mouth surprises even me.

"If you don't want to make peace with your mother, then you should make peace with me." I continue looking directly into his eyes. "That would be a good place to start."

His eyes widen and I begin to wonder if he will throw another insult at me or just walk away. Oliver is disgusted even being in the same room with me. He flexes the muscles around his arms like he wants to show me I have to do what he says; otherwise, my already shattered reputation will be completely ruined.

"Why would I want to make peace with you, Indi?" he asks, moving his beautiful eyes over my body. The heat from his gaze curls my toes and the lust twists my stomach.

"I'm sorry I ruined high school, and I'm sorry about what I put you through. I would like to end this stupid war, your game," I say quietly, but my voice cracks and my brain feels fuzzy. I squeeze my hands so tight I cut my blood circulation to my fingers. Oliver's expression doesn't reveal anything, and I know this is humiliating, but there is just no other way. I have to forget about his pranks if I want to rebuild what we both had before Christian made a hole in my heart.

He parts his lips with a sharp intake of breath. He looks slightly moved, like he didn't expect me to apologise, especially after the race. He takes a step towards me, masking his uneasiness, whereas I'm falling back to that day when we kissed, remembering how I much l loved the way his soft lips brushed over mine. I stay still, as an unexpected chill runs over my back. There was no pretense, no acting, just pure joy of being with someone, before the dark hole pulled me apart.

"You're apologising. That's a first, Indi. That's a first," he mutters, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"I'm trying, Oliver. I'm fed up with these cruel games. I'm not asking for your friendship. Can we just stop fighting for at least one moment?"

This is my last and final pledge. He doesn't know Dora overheard him. I'm not planning to let him know I'm aware that he decided to call it a day and hand me back my freedom in Braxton.

He runs his thumb over his lips and smiles lightly, and for the first time, I'm looking at the boy I fell for all those years ago. For a split second, he's back, causing an explosion of fireworks inside my heart.

"Since you asked nicely, I'll consider it. I gave you a taste of your own medicine. I can forgive you, but I will never forget."

# Chapter seventeen

# First Letter

## Present

Okay, I have to accept what he's offering. He's clear on that. I take a deep breath and walk up to him. His eyes sparkle with a hint of challenge when we stand facing each other even closer than before. This is my chance to make everything right. The truth will come with time, but this time it's all about him.

"I'll stay out of your way and you'll stay out of mine. It's a deal," I say and extend my hand and wait for him to shake it. His eyes darken, and for a split second I wonder if he's going to laugh in my face and insult me again. Surprisingly, after a long, tense moment, his palm touches mine and then we both shake hands.

"It looks like you got yourself a deal, Indi. Who would have thought so?" he says.

"Your mother would love to see you. Please consider visiting her while you're in Gargle," I add, maybe crossing the line, but I blame alcohol for my big mouth tonight. Oliver hasn't won his bet yet, so for now I'm safe. He might be planning something else later on when we get back to Braxton, but I can't worry about this now. I just have to trust him.

"Stay out of this. She doesn't deserve to see me. My mother did enough damage already."

"Oh, there you are. I th—"

Dora cuts in, stopping abruptly at the door. She spots Oliver by me and her eyes widen. I want to shout that we're only talking, but Dora's imagination starts working overtime.

"I was leaving anyway," he snaps like he's irritated Dora has seen him tonight.

"Oliver, bloody hell, what are you doing in Gargle?" asks my best friend as he passes her in the entrance.

"None of your business, Dor. Just pretend you didn't see me," he replies and strolls out of the room. My breathing comes back to normal when I'm left alone with her.

"What the fuck, India? What's Oliver doing here?"

"I've no idea," I say. "But you should be glad to know we're no longer enemies," I explain, trying to sound normal, but my voice is too high. Dora stares at me blankly, like I'm speaking Chinese.

"What, you agree to put all the pranks and nonsense behind you?"

"Yes, Dora, that's what I'm trying to tell you. We agreed to put the hatred behind us."

"So... so do you think you two will be friends now?"

"I wouldn't vote for friendship. We just don't hate each other anymore. It's a bit of progress."

Dora demands to hear everything that went on in this room between Oliver and me. After an intense interrogation by my best friend, I walk back downstairs. I need another drink to erase the image of Oliver from my head. As it turns out, he's nowhere to be seen, and I start to wonder if our conversation took place only in my imagination. Last week, I wanted him dead and now we seem to be getting along just fine.

The rest of the evening passes in a blur. I pour alcohol down my throat and dance, trying to have fun. When the fireworks go off at midnight, I'm too drunk to even stand straight. At least the whole evening wasn't a complete waste. Oliver hasn't forgotten. He's temporarily forgiven how cruel I used to be. He couldn't have come because of me, but then I remember he was ready to rescue me, before Russell took over.

## Past

It's been thirteen months since I saw Oliver last. Thirteen long months since I made a decision to abandon my bad self. Oliver's mother has been going through a divorce, and I've put in my UCAS application to Braxton. My grades were good and Mum kept saying I'd definitely get the place.

That night, I sat down at my desk and decided to tell the world what happened to me. I had to revisit that night at the party. Mrs. Morgan hadn't heard back from Oliver, but she promised to give me his address. She knew he moved to Scotland. I wasn't quite sure how she got his details. After all, he refused to even acknowledge her.

I stared at the blank piece of paper for a while. Locking my eyes on it, I debated if it was fair to reveal this horrible secret in this letter. It would be so much easier if I wrote to him rather than facing him.

My coping mechanism stopped working because of his departure from Gargle. In the past few months, I'd been dealing with the past on my own. Most of the girls from the cheerleading team turned their backs on me when I left. People stopped looking up to me. In the past I'd taught the others how to be cruel, but now that I'd abandoned all the parties, most people didn't seem to acknowledge me anymore. Instead of going out and socializing, I started spending more time with my sister. Dora was still my loyal friend, but she didn't get why I didn't want to date and get drunk almost every weekend.

No one understood the new me, and no one would because that was just part of the plan.

I pressed the pen to the paper and started writing, knowing when the time came, I'd hand this letter to him.

Dear Oliver,

I know you didn't expect to hear from me, but please just give me a chance and stay until the end. I know I made your life very difficult when I was in Gargle, but now it's time to explain.

I understand there is no excuse and you probably don't want to listen to what I have to say, but there was a reason behind this.

I tried to cope with so many things and I didn't want to be that person who kept inflicting pain, but seeing you hurt helped. It healed me.

Now, I'm writing to explain the reason behind all that hate I threw at you.

This had nothing to do with Christian's death. I wasn't overwhelmed and confused.

The truth was always the same. I was never in love with him.

I turned my back on you because of the secret I've been keeping from you for more than a year.

We both knew Christian wasn't the person we thought he was. After all, you knew him better than me.

On that day at the party, when you were supposed to show up, he hurt me in more ways than you could imagine. My life had been crushed. I should have seen this coming. He changed a few weeks before the party. He became aggressive and moody. You probably already suspect where I'm going with this. Christian hit me, and during the party, he did things to me that I thought other human beings weren't capable of doing.

This was the same night we were going to tell him together that I was breaking up with him, but you never made it to the party. I was all alone. He took control and locked the door to the bedroom.

I don't think I'm able to explain what happened after that in this letter. I still see him standing by the bed when I close my eyes.

He made sure no one could see the bruises. He told me he knew I didn't love him and he only went out with me because he saw how you were looking at me during that first day at school.

He dropped me home that night. I don't even remember how I got to my room without anyone else noticing what kind of state I was in.

When my mother knocked on my door a few hours later, telling me Christian was killed in a car accident, I was in shock. Through these words, my mother injected a new life into me, and I didn't want to kill myself anymore.

Then came the funeral. No one knew Christian had turned into a monster, that he hurt me, abused me, physically and mentally.

I turned my frustration and pain to you, and from then, I continued to hate you.

India

Present

I kept all the letters I wrote to Oliver. They're safe in my room in Braxton, hidden under the bed. After I wrote to him, I changed my mind and didn't send any of them. He needs to hear the whole truth from me, personally. Facing him is the way forward for me.

Dora had a fight with Jacob, but I only found out the next day, New Year's Day. When I spoke to her yesterday, I didn't quite understand what the problem was, but she sounded upset. She promised to talk to me this evening, as soon as her mother drops her back to Braxton.

I get to Braxton around midday. The time has gone so fast and now I have to face reality. The race was a disaster, but there's no point in dwelling on it now. A few people give me funny looks when I walk through campus. It's the beginning of January and everyone isn't back yet, so for now I take a few laughable jokes and rounds of whispers.

Our apartment is a mess. Before I even unpack, I start cleaning. I want to keep myself busy. After my civilised conversation with Oliver, I hardly slept, analysing everything we said to each other. My head has been working constantly since Boxing Day. It looks like we both agreed to a ceasefire. At least that's what I'm hoping for.

Once the apartment is under control, I relax in front of my laptop. My first exam is in two weeks and I should be studying, but I'm too caught up with tangling thoughts about Oliver. It seems he is my obsession. The key to the past and possibly a key to the present.

I close my eyes for a minute and then, without even knowing it, I doze off. When I wake up, it's dark outside and I hear sobbing in Dora's room. Rubbing my eyes, I check the clock. It's just after four. Dora probably saw me on the sofa and decided to lock herself away.

I knock softly and then go in. Okay, seeing Dora in tears shocks me. My best friend has never cried over a guy, and now she looks so hurt, like she's suffering because she has a broken heart for the first time in her life.

"Dora, are you okay?" I ask gently.

She lifts her wet eyes and looks at me. "Do I look like I'm okay?"

"No, so why don't you tell me what's wrong?" I ask.

She blows her nose loudly and says, "Me and Jacob broke up. It's over."

Okay, I have to admit I'm completely startled. Dora's relationship seemed perfect. They probably had a fight so they need some time apart to think about what happened. This will be over before she knows it.

"Right, start from the beginning. You guys were fine at the party," I say, wondering if I missed something. I wasn't paying much attention to Dora during the party. She vanished for a good few hours before midnight, and I was too caught up with my own emotions and too drunk to notice her disappearance.

"That's the problem. I shouldn't have taken him to Melanie's house. I should have known George and Jason would be there!"

Dora's exes. There's a long list of them, and I'm pretty sure Dora hasn't told Jacob any more than he already knows about her previous dating life. Now her past is biting her back. From what she told me, Jacob is quite the jealous type. He obviously loves her and he is aware of how unstable she can be around other men.

"Did something happen?" I press.

She doesn't want to tell me at first, but after a long and painful interrogation, I manage to get the truth out of her. Dora couldn't help herself. She had been faithful and on good behaviour until she came to Gargle, and all of the sudden, she lost her attention because she told people she was already taken. She started flirting when Jacob was busy entertaining the crowd. Someone must have said something to Jacob because he confronted her and she lied, pretending she wasn't doing anything wrong. As I suspected, Dora didn't just flirt. She was doing more than that, but she refuses to talk about that evening. In the end, she and Jacob had a massive argument and he said they should call it off if she wants to keep fooling around. Jacob was right; Dora should have told him that she dated half the town back in her late teens. Instead, she lied, flirting without thinking about consequences, and now she only got what she deserved.

"Go and talk to him. I'm sure he didn't mean it when he said you were finished," I say, being a supportive friend. She knows she has to apologise if she wants him back.

"Fuck him. He was suffocating me. I had no freedom." She fumes, clenching her fists. She doesn't mean it. I know her too well. There's a hint of desperation in her voice. Besides, I think this argument is rooted in the fact that Jacob told her he loves her, and she got scared. She's too proud to admit she's in love with him too.

"He makes you happy. Come on, I can see you're upset. Talk to him," I insist. "Just tell him he's the only man in your life."

She arches her eyebrow, folding her clothes in a pile.

"He accused me of cheating, so he can forget all about us. I never promised him anything. It was supposed to be a fling. That's it!"

"Come on, Dora, we both know Jacob is perfect for you. It wasn't just a fling," I say, but she pretends she doesn't hear. I sigh and leave her alone, thinking this will be much more difficult than I originally anticipated. Dora is too caught up with herself to see that Jacob will make her happy. Maybe she's afraid of commitment, afraid to get hurt, like I used to be.

# Chapter eighteen

# Braxton

## Present

The next few days pass quietly. Dora doesn't want to listen to what I have to say about Jacob. She is adamant that it's over between them. While going to the library, I search for him on campus, but it looks like he hasn't come back to Braxton yet. The classes haven't restarted, so I assume he's preparing for exams at home.

People still stare at me when I hurry through campus, but now it is all about the fact that Oliver isn't interested in me anymore.

As the end of the week approaches, Dora gets more depressed. She doesn't seem to care about her exams. I'm starting to worry about her. In the end, I can't concentrate on my own revision.

On Saturday, I can no longer stand Dora and the way she stares blankly at the wall. She stopped talking to me, and I hate seeing her in this state. My best friend has issues, but I'm convinced she and Jacob belong together. He's the first guy she's ever been with for more than a day. I can't just let her throw this relationship away. It's possible Jacob might be back, but he's avoiding me.

When Dora leaves for the library for the first time in days, I sneak into her room in order to find Jacob's address. He lives with Oliver, and I remember Dora has talked about their house being situated next to Grayson Park. My best friend is organised. All the phone numbers and addresses are on her pink notepad, so I don't have to search long. I write down all the details I need and shove it down into my jeans pocket.

I put my jacket on and leave our apartment. It's freezing outside and it's getting dark when I reach Grand Avenue. It's on the north side of town, filled with semi-detached houses. I bite my lips, looking for their house and wondering if I'm doing the right thing. Dora would kill me if she knew I got involved in her business. She's miserable and stubborn, and I want to see her happy again.

After a twenty-minute walk, I locate the right house and stand on the other side of the street for a minute, contemplating what to say to Jacob. My stomach contracts almost painfully. I'm not only risking Dora's friendship, but also the ceasefire with Oliver, because he might be inside. He made it clear he doesn't want to be friends with me, and that's fine, so I can't push my luck.

Hesitating, I knock at his house and wait, feeling like I'm standing on pins and needles. My breathing gets heavier when I hear footsteps. A young student opens the door. He looks familiar, although we were never introduced. I remember him hanging out with Jacob a few times. He stands at the door, staring at me for a while, looking slightly surprised.

"Yes, are you lost?" he asks with his thick Scottish accent.

"Eee, yes... no... I'm here to see Jacob," I say. After going through the initial shock that I don't have to worry about Oliver, I flash him my beautiful smile. Back in high school, I used to be very good at flirting. I could always get what I wanted. I was Christian's girlfriend and no one ever wanted to cross him. I used to hate myself for that, but it is time to use my charms to help Dora.

The light-haired bloke measures me up and down for at least half a minute before he responds.

"You wanna come in?" he asks, inviting me with a smile. I'm certain he does recognise me as one of Dora's friends. That cynical smirk on his face easily gives him away.

"So is Jacob in?" I ask after I walk into a typical student-style living room with two black leather sofas. I smell burnt food and one glance around tells me only male students are occupants of this not-very-tidy house.

"No idea. He might be upstairs."

"Is he back to Braxton? I'm just wondering why I haven't seen him on campus."

The guy scratches his head, convincing me more and more that he genuinely might not be one of the brightest.

"I came back yesterday, so I have no idea."

"Do you actually know anything?" I can't help but be sarcastic.

"Yeah, I know he wouldn't mind if you showed up in his bedroom. He had lots of girls up there, but then he started going out with that loud, pretty girl and suddenly they all stopped coming."

I'm glad to hear Jacob made the right decision after he started going out with Dora.

"Which room is his?" I ask.

"First one on the right," he replies, and once I make my way upstairs, he adds, "Just avoid the room next to him... and oh, be quiet. Morgan seems to be in a bad mood today."

"Yeah, thanks."

With a sharp intake of breath, I start heading upstairs. I already got my answer. Oliver is at home, and according to his housemate, he's in one of his moods. I make a mental note to avoid him at all costs. My mission is simple. Knock at Jacob's room and convince him to talk to Dora.

This house has a least four bedrooms, and as I presume, most blokes don't like to clean, as there is a lot of trash on the stairs. The door to the first bedroom on my right is shut.

I knock twice and wait. After a long moment of silence, I press my ear to the door, wondering if Jacob is sleeping or maybe he heard me downstairs and he doesn't want to talk to me.

My intuition tells me to turn around and walk away. I can come back tomorrow to talk to him. Normally, I would listen to my intuition, but not today. I press the handle and open the door, peering inside. The curtains are shaded, but it looks like the bed is empty. The walls are bare and that tingle of warmth courses through the air, bringing a cold chill down my spine. The room is pretty tidy, despite what I've seen downstairs.

Then I hear movement behind me and that familiar cologne rolls over my skin. My mind starts registering memories that are associated with that smell. I turn around, swallowing hard, and my breath seizes in my chest when I see Oliver. His hair is soaking wet; water drips over his face, rolling down his chest. I dart my eyes downwards without even realising what I'm doing. It looks like Oliver just came out from the shower. His towel is wrapped tightly around his hips. My mouth goes dry in an instant as I follow the drips of water that vanish within the bulk of dark hair just below his belly button. Heat creeps over my neck, down between my breasts, when I finally lift my eyes. He looks completely startled, his eyes wide and beautiful. Then I realise I'm standing too close. My heartbeat becomes unsteady.

"India," he says, but it's barley a whisper. "What are you doing here?"

Okay, now I haven't got any choice but to explain myself. On the other hand, I can't seem to gather my thoughts. Long, tense silence stretches across the room and the air around us cracks with electricity. Every tiny hair on my arms and neck lifts, pulling me towards his body. I feel spellbound by his intense stare, crushed by his cruelty, and joyful at having him in front of me.

"I'm looking for... Jacob... Your housemate said he might be here," I stutter like a pathetic idiot. "He explained that it was the first room on the right."

Oliver's eyes sparkle with mischief and warmth only for a split second or so before he is unreadable again. I try to swallow a large gulp in my throat, feeling the pulsing sensation between my legs. Oliver elicits something within me; my legs starts to shake and I imagine his lips on my skin.

His eyes are heavy on me, pinning me to the floor. His gaze consumes me with darkness, blocking away the light. My heart keeps pounding when the muscles on his shoulders tense.

"Karel is an arse. He smokes too much weed so he doesn't even know what day of the week it is," he explains.

I open my mouth to say something, but no sound comes out. I should have realised this wasn't Jacob's room. My breath seizes in my chest when Oliver's eyes move down to my lips and then scan the rest of my body, measuring how far he can push me.

If I take a step forward, our bodies will touch, but I can't seem to move.

The door is still open and I know I should get the hell out of this room before I do something I'll regret later. I buried my feelings for him deep down, but Oliver can see through me. My shaky voice and body language indicate something is off. I'm off because he's so close.

"Eee, okay, I should be going, then," I say quietly, trying to step away, but the connection between us is so strong and fierce. The image of us together in the laundry room flashes through my mind and heat creeps over my face again.

I inhale the smell of his shampoo and walk around him.

"Wait," he says, touching my shoulder, and I stop abruptly at the entrance. That harsh indifferent tone of voice isn't there anymore. "Why are you looking for Jacob?"

His touch is like an inferno. It burns my skin, and I'm doing everything I can to gain control of myself.

"He and Dora broke up. As usual, she behaved like an idiot. They're both too proud to even talk about it."

There, I told him, so he should let me go now instead of torturing me. When our eyes meet again, he looks concerned.

"You want to fix them. That's what you're trying to do?"

"Jacob is the only guy for her. Dora won't apologise even if she was in the wrong," I explain. "I want to help them find their way to each other again."

"You can't fix what's broken. You can try, but—"

"Oh, there you are, sweetie. I've been calling you for ages," says a girl that just appears by the stairs, cutting Oliver off in midsentence. She looks at me with a surprise. Oliver turns around, pulling away his hand, and that concerned look on his face disappears.

"Rhian, what are you doing here?" he asks, frowning. I stand there, still immobile, and watch as this beautiful girl comes up to him and places a gentle kiss onto Oliver's lips. A river of jealousy sweeps over me, and I clench my fists, breathing hard. I recognise her. It's the girl from the club from the night when Dora punched Mackenzie. Rhian moves her eyes from his perfect chest and looks at me.

"Oh, hello. Who are you?" she asks. Obviously, she completely forgot that we met.

"No one. I'm no one important," I snap and start walking downstairs, avoiding Oliver's eyes. I can feel his gaze following me until I'm out of the house. When the fresh air hits my lungs, I clench my teeth, breathing in and out. I have to stop torturing myself like this. I don't have any future with Oliver, so why am I reacting like this?

It's been few days since our last conversation and nothing has changed. He might have forgiven me, but we are never going to be close.

I start walking towards the campus, attempting to control my racing heart and cursing under my breath. Oliver doesn't want to ruin my life anymore, but as he said, he will never forget what I did.

"Hey, India!"

It's Jacob, so I push my emotions aside and place a smile on my face.

"Hey, glad I bumped into you," I say.

Jacob doesn't seem to be too keen to talk to me, and it's is making it hard for me to explain I'm here of my own accord and Dora didn't send me. When he eventually let's me talk, I pour out everything I've been holding in about my best friend. He doesn't want to listen at first, but when I talk about how she used to be in the past, he looks interested. We talk a bit more, but Jacob doesn't seem to be convinced he should give Dora another chance.

After my long and awkward speech, I leave him and head home, erasing the image of half-naked Oliver out of my mind.

Then I decide to wait, knowing I did my bit. Now it's up to them to decide what they want.

## Present

It looks like Dora won't be single after all. It took Jacob a week and a half to finally talk to her. Now they're in her room, and I can only hope they're trying to talk this through. I can't get my head around Oliver. Being in his room, standing face-to-face with him nearly broke me to pieces—knowing I stopped caring about his feelings just to cope. Our perfect moment was ruined by his new "girlfriend."

I dive back into my books, trying not to think about him and the storm of emotions that invaded my body, crept into my soul. Within a moment, I'd been shut down. Jacob and Dora don't come out of her room until the following morning. It looks like they both made up; they most definitely had an eventful night. The drama is over, but I didn't expect them to get back together so quickly. Obviously, they can't stay away from each other too long.

"Do you want coffee, bear?" asks Dora.

"No, I gotta run. Training," replies Jacob, who nods towards me first with a smile.

"So it's all right with you two?" I finally ask, raising my left eyebrow.

Dora takes a bite of my toast, trying to hide her smile. "Yeah, he realised he can't live without me."

"Come on, Dora. I know that's not true. He called you and then you finally decided to stop being an idiot."

She looks embarrassed, fiddling with the sugar. When I spoke to Jacob, he refused to listen to me at first. I told him more than I anticipated because I was still in a state of a shock at seeing Oliver with another girl. I told him he would lose the love of his life if he didn't get his act together. Dora is stubborn and she would rather die than admit it's her own fault. Jacob looked like he was seriously going to reconsider his decision about the breakup.

Maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved, but I can't let my stupid best friend ruin everything.

"All right, he called and I asked him to come over. I apologized." She sighs. "I shouldn't have flirted or kissed my ex. It was bang out of order."

"Glad to hear it, darling. You're lucky Jacob has forgiven you," I say, tapping my finger at the edge of the table. My nervous twitch is back. I should be worrying about exams. Instead, I keep thinking about how I should behave around Oliver. He's obviously moved on. Girls on campus have been talking about his new girlfriend.

I leave Dora with her thoughts and go back to my revision. My first exam goes well, but I don't have time to relax as a few days later I have another. I see Oliver on campus and nowadays he's never alone. Dark-haired girl is always around him.

When the term resumes, I'm faced with a new dilemma. Mackenzie and Russell are back. Whenever I see her, she gives me one of her triumphant smiles and asks me if I took any of the swimming classes yet. People didn't forget about me. It's time to fix what's broken. I came back to at least have a human relationship with Oliver, to try and gain his trust again. I don't care what other people think. As long as Oliver doesn't hate me, I'm going to be fine.

In the end of January, the new term begins. It rains constantly through whole month. I have a heart-to-heart conversation with Coach, who agrees for me to train on the condition I take a few swimming lessons. After that, I'm in a much better mood, so I head to the canteen. It's late afternoon and I have an hour before class, but my plans of eating in peace are ruined when Russell places his own tray of food on my table.

# Chapter nineteen

# Keeping It Real

## Present

"Miss Gretel, long time no see. How was your Christmas?"

I should be happy he's here. After all, he saved my life so I owe him.

"Good, quiet. How about yours?"

"I spent most of the time in the hospital. Mum wasn't in her best condition," he says. "Although, all the nurses were dying to ask me out."

I shake my head. Russell's mother has cancer. That's why he moved to Braxton; he wanted to be closer to her.

"Do you think she's going to be okay?"

"Don't know. Doctors are promising about her condition."

"That's good to hear," I say. "Listen, Russell, I want to thank you again. You saved my butt, when I was such a bitch to you."

"I couldn't let you die, Indi. How, otherwise, would you agree to go out with me?" He teases, shoving a large chip into his mouth. I feel the odd shiver that starts dancing over my chest, and when I look up, I spot Oliver a few tables away. Even in the crowd, we are aware of each other, and now his whole attention is focused entirely on me. His girlfriend is sitting by his side, running her hand over his chest. When I meet his piercing gaze, my blood heats up. He just needs to give me a signal that we're going to be friends again, that he's really forgiven me. I glance back at Russell, who is watching me.

"I would love to, but I'm not ready for dating, Russ. No offence, but I can't be involved with anyone right now."

Russell is a decent bloke. We have fun together, but I don't think he would understand what I had to go through in the past. I should look for support, but I feel like Christian is still around, draining me, pulling me back to the darkness.

"How can you keep turning me down?" he asks, and when I don't answer, he carries on talking. "All right, I know I'm full of myself sometimes, but I would never hurt you, if that's what you're afraid of."

I finish my food and give him a warm smile. People bluntly stare at us, suspecting there is something going on.

"Thanks. I'll see you later. I have to go."

"Okay, bye, India. Think about our future together," he teases.

When I look around, Oliver and Rhian are gone. I sweep my tray off the table and rush to my final class of the day.

I look at my timetable and check which class is next, but Oliver stands in my way. He got rid of his gorgeous girlfriend quickly enough.

"Hey, I need to talk to you," he says, sounding annoyed. My mind goes cloudy and I start to wonder if he's been waiting for me. Before Christmas, he couldn't stand to look at me, and now he's stalking me.

"Oh, Oliver, hey, what's up?" I say, but my tone is too high. His eyes linger over my lips for a second too long, and I try to keep it together, like I'm not affected by his stare.

"Come here for a sec," he orders, pushing me back to the stairs corridor like he's afraid other people will spot him talking to me, the loser.

"What do you want, Oliver? I got somewhere to be," I reply, irritated. He just keeps ordering me around, like he has a power over me.

"Just be careful with Evans. He can't be trusted," he says with recognizable tension in his voice. My heart skips a beat but then smacks me gently beneath my chest.

"Why do you suddenly care who I'm talking to? This never bothered you before."

His penetrating gaze unfolds the sudden wave of lust. How come he is suddenly so interested in who I'm hanging out with?

"I'm just giving you friendly advice, India, that's all. I want to spare you the disappointment later on."

"You said we aren't friends," I tell him, emphasising the word friend. His expression is unreadable. Then I take a step forward and, without thinking, add, "But we can be friends again, if you want to."

There it is. I finally said it. If there is going to be anything between us, being friends is a start. Oliver doesn't respond. Instead, he continues staring at me with those blue eyes like he's fighting his answer.

In the next moment, he turns around and leaves without another glance in my direction. This is the second time he's done that. I squeeze my hands, standing at the top of the stairs, wondering if I said something I shouldn't. My heart is still pounding way too fast. His silence only confirms he cares about my choices, but he might not be ready to be friends with me yet. My heart will continue to betray me until he has forgotten about cruel India.

##

## Present

"India... Hey, India, over here!"

I spot Dora waving to me. Weeks have passed since her dramatic breakup with Jacob, and now she's acting like the separation never took place. I've only half an hour before I have to run to the library. As usual, everyone keeps staring, and today, I'm not quite in the mood for Dora's jokes. I spot her in the back and assess her table. No wonder all of a sudden I manage to bring attention from almost everyone in the canteen. Dora is sitting with Oliver. I wonder what he's playing at?

He knows I often sit with Dora.

I walk towards them, keeping my expression hard. All the eyes in the canteen follow me slowly, and the tension rises. Since our last encounter, Oliver hasn't really spoken to me and he silently rejected my offer of friendship. I stand by their table, wondering if it's such a good idea to eat lunch with the man that feels so indifferent about me.

"Sit down, India. You're distracting me," says Oliver, not lifting his eyes from his book. Dora giggles, Jacob gives him a sharp look, and I obey. Every pair of eyes turns towards our table. People expect Oliver to do something cruel, to prank me, but no one apart from the two of us knows about our ceasefire.

"Right, sorry," I mutter, blushing like a fourteen-year-old. Dora grins, glancing from me to Oliver, who is still more interested in his book than what is going on around him. I don't know what to make of him these days. I hate that there's so much tension between us.

"We're actually talking about you, India, aren't we, bear?" asks Dora, looking at Jacob with a questioning expression on her face. He gives me an apologetic smile.

"Me? What has lunch to do with me?"

She giggles. "It's nothing serious. I was just saying to my boys over here that your birthday is coming up."

Crap, I knew Dora would bring this up sooner or later. Her birthdays are a big deal. I tuck into my food, knowing all of a sudden Oliver isn't looking at the text in the book, but at me.

"I don't think I want to celebrate my birthday this year," I say quickly.

"Oh, come on. I'm thinking about a small party in our apartment, only a few people. That should do. Oliver, come, will you?"

I stop eating and glance at Dora with the strongest desire to strangle her right now. She is interfering, doing what she does best. Messing with my life. I glance at Oliver, whose blue eyes are fixated on me, but as usual, his expression is unreadable.

"Sure, small party sounds good," he says.

My mouth hangs open and Dora looks astonished at the fact that he said yes.

"It's sorted, then. Don't worry, Indi. I'll organise everything." She beams.

Oliver doesn't acknowledge me again for the rest of lunch, but when Dora finally leaves, I decide to take a deep breath and just tell him he doesn't need to feel obligated to do anything. A group of girls stares at me with such hate, and I know this has something to do with the fact that I'm sitting with Oliver and he's supposed to throw more pranks at me.

"Listen, you don't need to come to this stupid party if you don't want to. You've probably got better things to do."

Oliver puts the last piece of meat into his mouth and lifts his eyes to look at me, both amused and curious. Every time he looks at me like that, I feel like he's seeing more than just my unease. He knows my feelings for him aren't completely forgotten.

"Don't stress, Indi. Maybe you were right. We should put our past behind us and try to be friends again."

I let go of a short gasp. "Really, I mean after—"

"If we want to be friends, then we have to remember not to talk about the past. Let's just start over."

"Um, right, if that's what you want."

Then out of the blue, Rhian appears by Oliver, kissing him with such a passion that I'm ready to punch her.

"Hey, I need to go to the library. Want to join me?" she asks, not even acknowledging that we were having a full-on conversation a moment before she interrupted. She gives me a generous smile, finally noticing I'm sitting opposite him. Oliver agrees and they both leave.

Rhian actually sounds like a nice girl. She isn't like Mackenzie. On top of that, she's stunning, looking more like a model than a biology student. It's silly that I'm jealous. Oliver deserves to be happy. I hurt him too much and he'll never look at me that way again.

As soon as they're out of the canteen, I clear out and hurry to my class. The rest of the day passes quickly.

After our small talk in the canteen, Oliver starts to put his decision in motion. He starts hanging out with Jacob and Dora, probably trying to show me that he was perfectly serious with that friendship talk. More often, he is with his new girlfriend, but I can't seem to figure out his intentions of having her around him all the time. Oliver has a colourful reputation. I've been hearing he's been sleeping around, but since he broke up with Mackenzie, he didn't go back to his old ways. It appears he is in a serious, committed relationship with Rhian. This doesn't make any sense, but it's not my business. We might never be what we used to be, but this is the closest I can get now.

On the day of my birthday, I don't feel like getting out of bed. It's Saturday and Dora has been planning this "small" party for ages now. She invited a few girls from the rowing team. She hasn't forgotten about Russell, so I need to remember to keep Oliver and him away from each other.

"Wake up, Sleeping Beauty. You need to be ready in five minutes," says Dora, barging into my bedroom.

"What? How come you're up? It's not even nine o'clock!"

"Shut up and get ready. My present is already waiting for you."

As it turns out, Dora paid for a spa day for both of us. I don't know what to expect until she leaves the house and drives at least half an hour outside Braxton. When she parks the car in front of the very expensive hotel, I stop feeling tense. She obviously went to a lot of effort, and she wants to treat both of us today. As Dora planned, all day long we are both spoiled with massages, manicures, and pedicures. After that, we have a break for a delicious lunch.

My mum calls after we leave the spa centre. I get more birthday wishes and a couple more cards when I get home. Then it's time to prepare the house for the party. Dora and I both look amazing, and I feel like nothing can go wrong this evening.

In the past two years, I haven't been doing much on my birthday. Without feeding the demons, I couldn't go through with another party, even if Dora insisted. Now is the time to face a new challenge. Oliver will show up and maybe everything will go back to normal, like before we both started hating each other.

Jacob shows up just after seven with the last decorations.

"How is the birthday girl?" asks Jacob.

"Nervous, I guess. I'm not a big fan of the parties organised by Dora."

He laughs, knowing exactly what I mean. He takes something out of his pocket and hands it to me.

"This is just something from me, with thanks, you know, for saving my relationship with Dora," he says, scratching his head.

"She is dumb sometimes, but she has a good heart."

Inside, there is a beautiful silver necklace. I hug Jacob, telling him he shouldn't have gotten me anything, and then I head to the bedroom to finish getting ready. When the clock strikes eight, people start coming in. Dora is on her best behaviour, looking stunning wearing a red dress. I curl my hair for a strapless purple dress with black belt. For the first time since I arrived in Braxton, I don't feel I have to prove anything to anyone. I can finally be myself.

Before I know it, our small living room is crowded. Russell winks at me, holding a bottle of beer. I chat with a couple of girls from the rowing team. By nine, there is no sign of Oliver, and I begin to wonder if he's going to show up.

Dora keeps the drinks coming and stays away from drinking too much, as she is the host.

I overhear Jacob's conversation with Dora in the kitchen later that night. They're talking about Oliver and it looks like he won't be coming. I force another smile on my face and keep telling myself it's better not to have too much hope. It will take him more than a few conversations to get over what I did to him.

Around eleven, everyone sings happy birthday to me as Dora brings out a large chocolate cake. I feel so blessed and swallow my tears, knowing I truly have a good friend in this world. Later on, I put my feet up and tell Dora she can cut the crap and just have a drink. The music isn't loud, and so far no one has complained.

A few more people arrive after eleven, and I go downstairs with the rubbish, hoping to get some air. I kept away from heavy spirits tonight, focusing mainly on wine. The darkness covers the campus grounds, and at midnight, my birthday will be officially over.

I throw the rubbish out and tuck my coat around me. It's freezing cold again, and getting ill isn't on the agenda.

"India..."

This voice always brings icy chills down my spine. My warm breath dances around my face, catching up with icy air. When I look up, seeing Oliver standing a few feet away from me, my heart reacts instantly.

"Oliver, what are you doing here?"

This is the only reasonable question that comes to my mind right now. He shouldn't be here in the middle of the night. The party is over. He's four hours late.

"I'm sorry I'm late, but I wasn't sure if it was such a good idea for me to come to your birthday party."

"It's freezing out here, Oliver, but if you want to talk, let's go upstairs," I tell him, ignoring how I felt when he didn't show up.

"I got a present for you. I know it's midnight, but let me show you something."

"Oliver, you don't have to do this. It's all right. If you come upstairs, then you can have some leftovers—"

"India, I don't want the cake. I want to take you somewhere. Stop dismissing everything I'm saying," he insists, approaching me. All of a sudden, my body doesn't want to be away from him.

"I need to tell Dora. She'll be worried," I say, not even realising I'm agreeing to go with him.

"Text her. Say you're with me."

# Chapter Twenty

# Friends?

## Present

Oliver is right. I have my mobile in my pocket so I can tell Dora I'm hanging out with him for the rest of the night. I can see how ridiculous this sounds. I should be saying no to a night adventure with the guy who hated me not so long ago, but the idea of being together messes up my head.

We stop in front of an old VW Golf parked by my apartment.

"Get in. We're going for a small trip." He smirks, winking at me. God, he looks so handsome in his leather jacket, thick scarf around his neck. An idea of doing something out of the ordinary gets me going, but I know this is completely crazy. We don't talk while he reverses and drives off the campus. Braxton is surrounded by fields and farms. There is a small town at least twenty miles north, but other than that, it's not a very inhabited area. As we both sit quietly, I begin to wonder if he ditched his girlfriend to be with me tonight.

"Are you going to tell me where we're going?" I ask just to avoid thinking about his cologne that infuses the air inside the car.

"Somewhere special. I think it's worth me showing you this today. It's a perfect birthday present." His voice is controlled and firm, no sign of reluctance or hesitation. This is the Oliver that I knew before the party, before everything went terribly wrong.

After a long and uncomfortable drive, Oliver stops the car in the middle of nowhere. In front of us is complete darkness.

"I know it's freezing cold, but we can't miss this. I got some thick blankets in the back."

"Blankets, what for? You don't expect me get outside. It must be like minus five!"

"Trust me, you will love what I'm about to show you. I've got some vodka to keep you warm."

I can't help but roll my eyes. Oliver's idea seems completely insane, but I get out of the car, trying to reason with myself that this is not crazy at all. If this is one of his pranks, then I'm going to forget he ever existed. The silence buzzes in my ears, and I search for Oliver in the gloom.

"Come on," he says, taking my hand. His touch warms me up in an instant. He is confusing me even more right now. I have no idea what he's planning, but I'm strangely excited about this.

He leads me in front of the car.

"Sit on the top and take this," he says, passing me a warm, thick blanket.

"Oliver, come on. This is insane!" I protest.

"Yeah, it is, but just shut up for a moment."

I do what he says and sit at the front of the car, wrapping myself with the blanket. He climbs next to me.

"Look up at the sky and wait for your birthday present."

"Am I supposed to look for something specific?" I ask, trying not to laugh. When the heat from his body reaches me, my breathing becomes heavier, more laboured.

"Yeah, in couple more minutes."

Oliver unscrews the cap of a small bottle of vodka and hands it to me. He doesn't even ask if I want a drink; he just assumes I won't say no. I take a generous gulp and swallow because I don't want him to think I forgot how to have fun. The alcohol burns my throat, but it warms me up. For a moment, we sit in silence, lost in our own thoughts.

"Come on, it's starting. You need to look up," he says, sounding excited. I pull a face and look at the black sky scattered with stars. The view is breathtaking. Then I spot the shooting star. My pulse starts racing when I see more and more. The glowing streaks cover the sky, and I gasp in amazement.

"It's a meteor shower. This doesn't happen very often, and you can only see it after midnight or right before dawn," explains Oliver.

"This is unbelievable." I gasp, watching as the streaks of light fall, many tracking together in the distance, creating this mesmerising show, fireballs shooting through the black space. They dazzle with a spray of sparks like an airborne sparkler. In that moment, the coldness doesn't matter anymore because I'm here with Oliver, watching the most amazing spectacle of falling stars.

What Oliver has given me is priceless and the most romantic moment in my entire life. My heartbeat quickens, and I fight to hold in my tears. It's an emotional experience that I'm going to remember for a lifetime.

"Let's just believe this is the beginning of a new friendship. I don't fucking care about the past. We both have to move on."

"Thank you. This is the most amazing thing anyone has ever done for me."

"I knew you would like it. Rhian doesn't appreciate things like that."

I smile. Despite him mentioning his girlfriend, I feel like our connection has been resumed. He didn't bring me here to say he made a mistake and that he's still in love with me. He brought me here to start over. I pushed past that vicious cycle of cruelty.

"Oliver, I need to ask you something. Please don't get angry," I begin, unable to hide the tension in my voice.

"If you have to..."

"When you came to Gargle, did you talk to your mother? Did you see her?"

He takes a sharp intake of breath, looking away. I know how much he hates talking about his fucked-up family. It's not easy for me to bring up that subject now, when his mother knows the whole truth, but this is part of the feeling process.

"I wanted to, but I didn't."

"Your mother has changed. She isn't the same person anymore. I know I shouldn't say anything, but you should call her."

"How do you know she's changed?"

I kind of shot myself in the foot here. I can tell I'm closer to his own mother than he's ever been.

"I saw her a couple of times a year after you left. I know she's doing much better now," I say, fiddling with my fingers as his gaze penetrates my lies and all the hatred that accumulated within me for a year.

"She is toxic, India, and you know it. You shouldn't talk to her."

"Please, Oliver, at least try. She has suffered enough."

"I don't know if I can do that. Her precious boy is dead, my father left her, and she's looking for pity. Don't you remember how she treated me?"

"Of course I remember, but she is your mother, Oliver. You can try with small steps."

"Let's not talk about her. It's your birthday, and I think the meteor storm is over. Let me take you home."

I nod, feeling I might just lose this battle. I might be asking for a lot. Forgiveness isn't easy, but I'll make sure we have a conversation about this at another time.

A few minutes later, I'm back inside the car. We don't talk at all on the way back to Braxton. He drops me outside of my apartment with a simple good-bye. I hurry upstairs, not even realising it's nearly two a.m. Time has flown. Our apartment is in a complete mess and Dora is fast asleep on the couch with Jacob. I slip into my bedroom quietly, wondering if Oliver went straight back to Rhian. His simple gesture was romantic, but he hasn't crossed any line. It was a small interaction between friends. We are never going to be more than that because we are too damaged. Our past is hunting us down, and we can't forget about the monster that ruined everything. Christian wanted to destroy me from very beginning. He used Oliver; he used me and his own parents to get what he wanted. Can I move on? Can I really forget that terrible night at the party?

## Present

"So... you and Oliver, huh? Who would have thought so?" asks Dora the next morning when I enter the living room. Surprisingly, she isn't hung over like normal.

"It wasn't planned, in case you were wondering," I say, putting all the food from yesterday into the fridge.

"Come on, spill the beans. What did you guys do in the middle of the night?"

"He took me out of town and showed me the meteor shower, and it was unbelievable," I explain, still thinking about the previous night. Dora bites her lip and helps me with the plates.

"What, like a shower of fallings stars?"

"Yes, I think you can only see it twice a year, but yesterday, oh my God, it was just incredible. I've never seen anything like that."

"He took you to the middle of nowhere to watch the sky when it was minus five degrees outside? So did you guys do it at least, you know, to keep each other warm?"

"You are out of your mind, Dora Roberts. Oliver and I are trying to be friends again. Besides, he has a girlfriend."

"So why didn't he bring her yesterday?"

"I don't know, Dora. Stop being obsessed with the idea there is something between us."

"Whatever. I know you too well to believe in your bullshit. I don't think he was honest with Jacob when he said he didn't love you anymore," she says. "Oliver said he was done and now he's playing a friend with that romantic trip. This doesn't make any sense, India, and if you can't see it, then you're plain stupid."

We finish cleaning our apartment, arguing about my new "relationship" with Oliver. I feel terrible lying to her. There are times when I want to tell her everything. I felt so much better when I talked to Mrs. Morgan. It was as if I wasn't drowning anymore. My best friend would understand; she would probably hate me because I kept it from her for so long. I'm going to tell her, but not now, not... not today.

The next couple of weeks I feel like I've awakened from the most bizarre dream. I told one person, but I've hidden the truth from someone who deserves to know.

People stare at me, but no one laughs anymore. I eat lunch with Oliver, Dora, and Jacob. Rhian doesn't come in that often anymore. After the night of my birthday, Oliver and I talk more, but our past is still taboo. Russell keeps coming over, and I keep turning him down. He seems determined to take me out. He and Oliver don't get on, and I don't know the reason behind it.

It seems as if Oliver put his cruelty behind him and we are working on being with each other. I feel like I'm riding a roller caster of emotions when I'm around him. He is my salvation and my gloom. He is everything I ever wanted.

I still intend to go ahead with bringing him close to his mother again. Then, when our friendship is strong enough, I will explain everything. I have to be sure he has forgiven me completely and utterly. Oliver needs to see my transformation, that I'm not that silly girl anymore.

My lectures throw me away from my thoughts until Friday evening. It's been a hell of a week. I don't even want to think about my coursework this weekend. Oliver is coming over in the evening and we're all going out to the cinema. Rhian is coming along, and I just have to accept that she's part of our pack.

After four hours of lecture, I'm exhausted; my body needs to relax. Russell has been stalking me all day, and I end up inviting him over to the cinema. Oliver probably won't be that happy, but he will get over it. If I can tolerate Rhian, then he shouldn't have problem with Russell.

## Present

"Why did you invite him?" asks Dora while Jacob and Russell talk in the living room.

"He kept asking about my plans this weekend, so I didn't have a choice. I had to invite him!"

"Oliver hates him. This can only bring trouble," mutters Dora.

"Well, I don't like Rhian, but I've got to pretend I do."

She doesn't say any more, and when Oliver and Rhian arrive, there is a long silence. Oliver gives Russell an angry look, but they both force an abrupt hi to each other. Once we finally get to the cinema, they both fight over the choice of film. In the end, we're late for the show.

Throughout the whole film, I stay tense because on one side I have Oliver and on the other is Russell. There is a guy I love, but I can't be with, and then there is a guy that wants me, but I'm not interested in him. Oliver's arm keeps brushing over mine. He doesn't let me concentrate on the film. Russell keeps trying to hold my hand, but I don't want to give him the wrong signals.

The whole evening is just a disaster, as Russell ends up fighting with Oliver. I don't even know who started the argument. The restaurant meal is embarrassing, and we all end up going home early.

I get in bed feeling like my friendship with Oliver is never going to work if Russell is around. Russell is a nice bloke and I keep getting close to him, so I can't just abandon him because of Oliver. I decide it's time to talk to Oliver and explain we both might not be ready for the friendship.

# Chapter Twenty-One

#

# Meltdown

## Present

It's late when I leave the house on Monday evening. Dora is in the apartment and I'm taking this opportunity to go to the library. We both had a relaxing Sunday, and since I haven't been thinking about my coursework lately, it's all piled up. When I sneak out to the library, trying to take my mind off Oliver, the campus seems deserted.

I don't know what I've been thinking. Oliver and I, well, we can't be friends. We both feel like we owe something to each other. I don't care what Oliver says; he can't hide the fact that he cares about me.

I choose a quiet spot at the back and stay there until I get something done. Mum was absolutely right when she stated that studying law would be tough, and now I finally realise what she was talking about. After a few hours, I write an essay that's worth grading and decide to head home. The library is almost empty, so I leave before I get locked up here for the night.

I stop for a few groceries and walk home, taking a shortcut. No one normally takes this route, but I'm in a hurry. The freezing temperatures eased off a little, but it's still cold when I make my way through the empty lanes. After five minutes, it gets darker, and when I cross over the path to the right, two largely built guys cross through my way. Something in their creepy smiles alerts me, but I try to walk around them, not making eye contact. Despite how eager I am to get away from them, the shorter guy jumps in front of me, blocking the path again. Fear freezes my limbs and my pulse starts to race.

"Where are you going, sweetheart?" asks one of them, baring his white teeth in a smile. He's wearing a black hooded sweatshirt and heavy cowboy boots.

"Home."

My reply is short and my heart pounds wildly in my chest when I glare at the stranger in front of me. They haven't left me any route of escape. The other guy circles around me, and I consider screaming, but I'm a distance away from the campus so no one is going to hear me. Taking a half step, I glance at the guy in front of me. He grins at me and nods towards his partner. A mad gleam starts dancing in his eyes, and my stomach heaves because I recognise that haunted expression on his face. Christian had this look in his eyes when he stood in front of me over two years ago at his going away party.

"We wanna have some fun with you. A young girl like you shouldn't hang around here alone. What if something bad happens?" asks the guy behind me. He sounds like he hasn't slept for days. The adrenaline rolls over me, creeping down to my bloodstream. God cannot be that cruel. This can't keep happening to me.

Not now, not when I'm doing so well.

I make a split-second decision and hurry to the right, but the older guy gets to me before I have a chance to escape. He grabs me around the waist and pushes me towards a tree. Icy fear jets through me like a spark, and with the snap of a finger, I feel like I'm back at the attic.

"Naughty," whispers the second one standing behind me. I try to scream, but one of them shoves his hand over my mouth. Hot blasted fear triggers all my senses. All of a sudden I can't breathe. The images of that vicious night at the party are flashing in front of my eyes. The nausea hits me and my stomach makes a flip. I can't go through this again. I've been healing for two long years. I can't even hear what they're saying. The demons are back.

I feel their hands on my hips, and I cry out for help.

I have to fight back; there is no way I'm letting them damage me, destroying my long healing process. My consciousness is back. I shut my eyes, hearing how they're consulting with each other about what to do next. The guy in front of me shouts to the other that he is going to do me first, and in that short moment of distraction, I shove my knee straight between his legs. He makes a loud raspy sound and falls to the ground. The other guy looks completely disorientated, so I whack him as hard as I can with my bag filled with heavy books and take off.

I hear their screams and curses behind me, but I don't care. I run fast, taking long pulls of air. The tears stream from my eyes. I don't know if they're behind me or not, but I move like I'm running for my life—which for all I know I may be. When I reach the road, my feet pound against the pavement. My heart speeds up and my anxiety rises. Blackness starts dancing in front of my eyes. I keep running until I reach my apartment building. Without hesitation, I slam my way inside and hurry upstairs.

What if those guys follow me here? What if I put Dora in danger?

I barge through to Dora, taking long, deep breaths, and lock the door.

"India, are you okay?" asks Dora while I take out my mobile. My hands are shaking so much I can't even hold my phone.

"India, come on, you're scaring me. What's wrong?"

My mobile hits the floor and I sit down, tucking my hands around my knees, and start sobbing. My body collides with fear. Haunting, raspy voices are all over me. His hands are so cold, moving, devouring my innocence. Then someone sits next to me, and then I hear Dora's whisper.

"Please, India, tell me. Did something happen?"

I lift my head and look at her.

"Two guys, they wouldn't let me pass," I whisper with a cracking voice, pressing my hands to my ears, trying to block the sound of music from that day.

"What happened, India?"

"They wanted what Christian wanted, that day at the party..." I mumble, moving up and down, trying to stop this terrible sound. I feel like there is no escape, that I'm back in that attic.

"India, please, you're safe now. Jacob went out, but he'll take you to the police—"

Then everything stops and I snap back to reality. My best friend is sitting next to me, looking completely freaked out. The throbbing pain in my head is infuriating. My heart beats fast as the adrenaline starts wearing off.

"I'm fine now, Dora. It's all right. I escaped. They didn't do anything," I tell her, trying to keep my voice even. My hands are still shaking.

"If you think I believe you, then you are very wrong," she says, pressing her lips together, staring at me. Dora has never seen me in any meltdown. She thinks I'm strong and unbreakable, and this the first time I've lost it in front of her.

"I'm just shaken up. It's nothing Dora, nothing worth talking about," I say, but my voice is just too tight. My head is spinning and I keep seeing flashes of images of Christian. I want to shut my eyes and just pretend everything is going to be all right.

"India, you may think I'm stupid, but I know you're lying to me. Something happened two years ago. I've been getting hints from you, and now—"

"Trust me, you don't want to know." I cut her off.

"It's better to share. There is no point in hiding the truth. You will feel better when this is off your chest."

Long, uncomfortable silence stretches between us. My breath grows shallow, and I know I can't ignore Dora. She has been there for me and she deserves to know—at least part of the secret, because the other part is darker, cruel and unbearable.

"Christian wasn't the person everyone thought he was," I begin with a broken voice. "I saw him for what he truly was."

Dora stares at me blankly, not saying anything. This is going to be hard. I'm going back to the past, to those shut-down memories and scars.

"He did something to you, something bad?" she asks.

"It's more than that. He ruined everything I ever believed in. He scarred me for the rest of my life."

## Past

I couldn't delay my entrance any longer. It was time to face him. After ignoring his text messages all day long, I was getting ready for a long battle. The music was loud when I entered the Morgans' home. I stepped into the crowd, my stomach in knots. I looked good, maybe overdressed a little, but that was the whole point. Christian had to see that I wasn't weak. He wanted to show me off, like I was his trophy girlfriend. A lot of people glanced at me as I stood in the entrance; the whole Rugby team smiled as I passed, heading to the kitchen. I scanned the space for Oliver, but it looked like he hadn't made it to the party yet. That was all right. I still had time.

Dora was dancing, embraced by some stocky older bloke. Christian's good-bye party was a success. Tonight was the night I would tell him it was over between us, that there was no point in pretending anymore. There was that odd feeling in my stomach, and I kept wondering if I'd missed something.

I blended into the crowd, hoping Christian was already way too drunk to realise I was inside, but this was his party and I knew him well enough. He wouldn't get drunk before eleven. Someone handed me a cocktail, Bryan, one of Christian's mates. He winked at me and tried to strike up a conversation, but I ignored him. Bryan knew he shouldn't hit on his best mate's girlfriend.

Christian and I, well, we'd never talked about our future, but he couldn't expect me to stay with him once he was two hundred miles from home.

A few hours later, I was feeling more anxious because Oliver still hadn't shown up. I had another problem. My current boyfriend hadn't even spoken to me yet, and I was getting aggravated. Close to ten, Dora strolled in looking completely wasted, telling me she was planning to make out with Roger Smith, one of the college guys. I wanted to tell her maybe she should calm down, but then I felt someone's hand on my waist.

"There you are. I've been looking everywhere for you," said Christian, leaning over to give me a kiss. My whole body tensed like I'd been struck by lightning. He managed to surprise me.

"Oh, hey, it's strange, isn't it? Because I've been looking for you as well," I told him, forcing a smile. His grey eyes flickered with challenge and something else I couldn't quite recognise. He wasn't drunk at all, not even tipsy, and that wasn't a good sign.

"Great that we finally found each other. Come on, I need to show you something."

It wasn't a request, but an order. I would recognise that tone of voice anywhere. Christian took my hand and we walked out of the kitchen. I searched with desperation for Oliver, but he wasn't there yet. He ditched me and now I was going to be alone with Christian. My plan had failed.

A few of his mates winked at him as we passed them on the stairs, still holding hands. My heart pumped fast, way too fast. Christian walked me into the room in the attic.

"What are we doing here? I thought your parents told you to stay away from the attic," I asked, unable to hide the tension in my voice. He turned the keys in the door, leaning against the wall. He was very good-looking, dressed in his designer clothes. His black hair was too long, tickling my forehead as he leaned close. That devilish gleam began dancing in his eyes. When he smiled, I knew I'd done something wrong.

"I didn't want to be disturbed by anyone, India. You know I hate being interrupted."

It was a large room. Mrs. Morgan used it as a guest room, so the boys weren't allowed here. This was the only rule in the Morgans' household.

"Okay, but I think we should enjoy the party. We can talk later."

"I don't think so. I told you I've a surprise for you."

"You do know I don't like surprises," I said, forcing another smile.

"It's a pleasant surprise, hun. We're going to make love tonight. It's our special night, the one we've both been waiting for."

I stared at him, wondering how to tell him he was wrong. That I couldn't have sex with him. That I came here to break up with him.

He moved towards me, smiling. When I didn't respond, he added, "Come on, it's my last party in Gargle. I've been patient, but it's time to show you how gentle I can be."

"Christian, I can't do this," I said once he touched my arm. I couldn't lie anymore. I had to do this alone, without Oliver.

He frowned, still smiling like he was expecting me to say something like that.

"You can't do what? Have sex with me?"

"No, I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. I don't love you. That's why I didn't want to sleep with you."

Once these words were out of my mouth, I felt that sense of relief I'd been longing for.

He shook his head and lifted his grey eyes like he thought I was joking.

"You don't love me?" he asked, his question laced with accusation.

"No, I don't. I never did. I thought it was love, but then I realised I liked being with you, but it wasn't love."

Christian looked like he wasn't affected at all by my words, like I wasn't seriously telling him there was nothing between us. The smile on his face never faded, and I kept thinking this had been just all too easy. His eyes lingered over my body as he moved closer. My heart pounded fast and goose pimples appeared on the back of my neck.

"Come on, let's talk about it, India. We've been together for years."

I stood in front of him, trying to figure out how to emphasise the fact that I was being serious.

"Christian, I don't want to hurt you—"

# Chapter Twenty-Two

# Party

## Past

This time he didn't let me finish because he hit me. The shock came after. I must have blacked out for a moment or so. A searing pain stabbed me right between my eyes. I tasted blood in my mouth. I blinked twice and saw Christian standing by me, and I was lying on the bed. I tried to move, but after a moment, I realised I was chained to the bedframe by handcuffs. My head spun and terror rolled over me like a tennis ball.

"Christian, what are you doing?" I asked, trying to sit up. He moved around the bed like a hyena in the desert, his eyes gleaming with fury. The throbbing pain made me dizzy.

"You lying bitch," he snapped. "Do you think I'm stupid?"

When I came to this room, I should have suspected that he would be violent all of a sudden. If Christian wanted something badly, he would do anything to get it.

"Of course you're not stupid, sweetie. Come on, it's not funny anymore," I pleaded, trying to turn this game into a joke. He ran his hand through his hair, taking a deep breath, and before I knew it, he was beside me, squeezing my face in his palm, hard, hurting me.

"I've known since that day at school that my brother had a thing for you. He was always a freak of nature, so I jumped into an opportunity," said Christian, whispering, squeezing my face harder and harder. "All these years I kept you for myself, but I knew you liked him too."

The tears moved over my cheeks, and I cried out, terrified.

"You were probably fucking him behind my back, and now you're telling me you don't want to be with me anymore?"

He released me.

"Christian, please, it's not like that!" I cried, hoping he would give me a chance to explain.

"Don't lie to me, you cunt!" he screamed and hit me again, this time below my ribs. I cried out, trying to breathe, but it seemed as if my lungs had stopped working. "You were going to leave me for him, thinking I'd leave you two with my blessing."

This was the real Christian, the one without a soul. It was funny how fast people changed. I never thought he was capable of anything like this.

"And you're refusing to fuck me because you were fucking him... Don't be delusional, India. I was never faithful to you, but I wanted you."

"Christian, please, think about what you're doing," I pleaded, losing my mind and my strength. Oliver was supposed to be here with me. He was supposed to protect me from him. Why had this gone so wrong?

He slapped me again, this time harder, and then he stood in front of me, beating my stomach with a stick. I screamed, but the music thumped so loud in my ears. No one could hear us. I couldn't remember how many times he hit me, but it was always in the stomach, the places where no one could see the bruises. He smiled as he hurt me.

After I was half conscious, he brought out a sharp, small knife and made two cuts just below my abdomen. I screamed when I saw the blood, but he shoved something in my mouth. My mind was clouded with pain. Christian laughed through the whole process, showing me I truly meant nothing to him. He told me who he really was. He confessed his deepest secrets. He admitted he had been sleeping around whenever he had a chance. The only reason he was with me was because he wanted to hurt Oliver. He blamed him for his mother's illness.

"This is just the beginning, India, just the start of what I have planned for us tonight!" he said

And then darkness overtook me.

## Present

I sit on the sofa, looking at the wall. Tears pour down my face. Dora has been quiet through this whole story, and that's fine. I don't expect her to understand. She idolised Christian through high school, like most people in Gargle. My mind feels like a sponge soaked with all the lies I've been keeping away from everyone I care about. When I revealed the truth to Oliver's mother, I felt happier, not like today. After all, Mrs. Morgan learned everything about what happened to me that night.

"Christian was a monster. I never expected him to turn into a cold, hateful psychopath," whispers Dora, taking my shaking hand. I lift my eyes and look at her wiping my tears away. Shock mixed with disgust is painted all over her face. She's shaking, and I know exactly how she feels. And Dora only knows part of the story. I don't think I can bring myself to tell her the rest.

"Yes, he was," I agree.

"Oh, India, I can't imagine what you had to go through. Keeping quiet about this all these years..."

"His death was like salvation for me, and on the other hand, I couldn't do anything with what happened. He was dead. No justice could have been served. Everyone thought he was this perfect boyfriend."

"But you should have told me," she says. "You didn't have to suffer alone. You changed so much after his death."

"It was just after his funeral, when I saw Oliver. He never showed up, and I was so angry with him. He betrayed me."

She squeezes my hand.

"So you chose to hurt him, to feel better after what Christian had done. I get it, India. I finally understand why you were so cruel to Oliver in high school."

I hide my head in my palms, breathing in and out. Dora might understand, but I don't feel I can justify myself right now. I hurt Oliver so much. If I could change the past, I would, but it's too late.

"It was wrong, Dora. Oliver didn't deserve to be treated like garbage. I should have told him the truth. I should have started seeing a therapist or something."

"You can't blame yourself. Oliver has forgiven you. Otherwise, he wouldn't try to be friends with you now."

"We lost each other when he didn't show up. I think he could have saved me."

This is the truth. I can't blame him for what Christian has done, but if he would have shown up like he promised, we both could have avoided suffering years after what happened. I can't bring myself to tell Dora it's not the whole truth, that Christian did more than just hit me.

I also can't tell her I'm still in love with Oliver and I have been since I saw him at school for the first time in my life.

"You were both in love with each other. Maybe there's still a chance that you can find a way to be together."

"It's over, Dora. I can't ever tell him the truth about what Christian did, not until he forgets what I did. I don't want his forgiveness out of pity."

"But it will be easier for him to understand why you became—"

"No, he wouldn't understand, and I don't want him to feel obligated, like he owes me something," I say.

"Oliver wouldn't look at you like that. If you tell him the truth, you can both start over," she insists.

"I will, but not yet and not now. I want him to forgive me before he knows what I went through, before he pities me."

Dora doesn't understand why I want to wait with this, and that's fine because I have to do this on my own. Oliver is with someone else, and this is my own darkness. I can't just go to him and tell him what Christian did. The old India has died, and Oliver needs to see I'm trying to make this work without any games, without involvement of the past.

When I finally go to bed, the pain in my chest eases off. I still have a long way to go before I accept that I can continue living my life without the haunting demons.

## Present

Dora makes me breakfast the next day. She can't cook, but she's trying to make an effort. At least I feel better knowing I don't have to pretend in front of her anymore.

"I'm taking you to the police station. We have to report what happened last night," she says. I was so absorbed with thoughts about Christian that I forgot about the assault.

"They didn't do anything, Dora. They sacred me and I managed to escape."

She slams her hand on the table, angry. "For fuck's sake, India, I'm taking you to the police station right now. What if those guys try again... on someone else?"

Dora is right. I can't just let this go. I wouldn't forgive myself if some other girl were assaulted.

"Okay, fine, we'll go."

She nods, looking satisfied. My best friend is right. I don't want to make the same mistake twice. My life has been ruined, and I can't let this happen to someone else because two filthy blokes can't control themselves.

She drives me to the police station outside campus. Within ten minutes, I'm being taken to another room and going through the events of the previous night. The policeman that takes my statement is understanding. I don't remember much at all, but I let him know where exactly the two guys stopped me. After half an hour of questions, I leave the station with Dora. The police are going to take a closer look at the shortcuts around campus. I can only hope they can catch those guys.

"I told Jacob we were shopping," says Dora as she parks her car outside our apartment.

"And he believed you?"

"He did, but I'm going to tell a few girls to be careful in the evening. It's better to set the warning."

"I guess so. Anyway, thanks for taking me. I need to rush."

We part ways and head to our classes. Dora is gong to spread a rumour that someone was attacked yesterday. She isn't going to mention my name, but it's good that she decided to let others know there is a danger around campus.

The rest of my day moves slowly. By two o'clock, I hear girls talking about the assault, but no one points at me. It's strange how fast news in Braxton spreads. I feel a little better walking home later on, knowing people are aware they need be more careful.

I have a short day today, so I decide to cook dinner for both of us. I like to be alone in the apartment. I call Mum and chat with her for a few minutes before I go back to my curry. I open my laptop and start looking through the questions for my assessment when I hear banging at the door.

My heart leaps into my throat. Those guys don't know where I live; it's impossible.

"India, hey, India, open up."

I rush to the door, recognising Oliver's voice.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" I ask as he barges through the door, uninvited.

"Were you attacked yesterday night?"

I bite my lip, contemplating if it's wise to say anything to him. Oliver is playing a good friend now, but it's not really his business. He looks tense, staring at me, clenching his fists, taking long, hard breaths.

"Nothing happened. Two guys got in my way. They were probably drunk, and I got away," I explain, closing the door. He paces around the room, running his hand through his hair.

"Fuck, I heard rumours and someone mentioned your name," he says, looking at me like he cares.

"It's okay, Oliver. I'm fine. They didn't have a chance to do anything to me," I say, looking away.

"I broke up with Rhian."

I don't know if I heard right, but his last words sound unreal. I look at him again, my heart beating faster. Maybe Oliver is only playing with me. Maybe it's another prank.

His chest rises and falls, and I keep asking myself if it's just a dream. I open my mouth to ask him why he made that decision, but he doesn't give me a chance to say anything because next thing I know, he's kissing me. Oliver's lips move onto mine, gentle at first and then hungry before he presses harder, kissing me again and again. His mouth consumes me; his arms make their way around my waist.

My legs give way, but he holds me tightly, slipping his tongue inside my mouth. The heat dances between us. My body erupts with desire, and I want to beg him to continue. His lips taste like the morning sun and his touch on my body is like a burning inferno.

"God, India, you taste incredible," he growls, sucking the sensitive part of my neck.

I gasp for air, my mind spinning, and I don't know if I should let him take me like this.

"Oliver," I say between heavy breaths.

"I was worried about you." He lifts me and I place my legs around his waist, inhaling his cologne. We move to the sofa and when he's on top of me, a wave of electric warmth washes over me.

There is no more tension, hesitation, or reluctance. It's only us, and we both want this. The soaring heat travels through my entire body, releasing the pumping desire, when his hand trails over my thighs. I let go of a soft moan as I feel him between my legs. Then he pulls away, breathing heavily, but his eyes are always on mine.

"You are so beautiful. I'll never let anyone hurt you," he whispers, sucking my ear. I growl with pleasure when he's back to taking care of my lips, moving his hand over my back. Our bodies respond to each other like we've been making love for years.

Oliver is back in my life, and I'm not letting him go, not this time around.

# Chapter Twenty-Three

# Past Collides with Present

## Present

Oliver trails kisses over my chin. His palm is pressed over the swell of my breast. I close my eyes, trying to lock this moment in my memory. Comparing it to that night before the party, when we were together. I move my hands over his back, tracing the cords of his muscles. When I open my eyes again, I notice his sharp intake of breath as his eyes drift shut.

He mutters with an expression of bliss on his face, but before I can show him how much more I want to pleasure him, he slits himself between my legs and smiles, meeting my eyes. Lust explodes in my core, making my head swim. I feel his hardness pressed over my thigh and, oh boy, that feels so good.

I gasp for air, knowing I can ask for more, aware that the pain will never, ever come back. I won't have to worry about the demons anymore. Oliver is taking them away, erasing memories of Christian's hands on my body. He is my therapy and my redemption. We stay like that for a long moment, not pulling apart.

"India, you can't even imagine what you put me through," he says, breathless. I want to respond and explain myself, but he doesn't let me. He continues kissing me, harder and fiercer, like he can't get enough of me.

Before he picks up the pace, he pauses and helps me get rid of my T-shirt. Soon, his clothes fly across the room and we are both connected, bare skin to skin, heart to heart. The heat surges over me and the place between my legs continues to pulse as his hand moves over my breasts. My body reacts when he shifts his touch quickly and devotes his attention to that sensitive spot between my legs. I gasp his name and my body rages with shooting desire. His tongue circles my hardened nipples. I cry out, pushing my hips forward, feeling him hard and ready pressed against my core. My heart pounds in my chest. I press him harder to myself like this closeness isn't enough for me, like I want him to stay like that forever. We've both waited so long to truly enjoy each other.

Oliver is gentle and he makes me wait for pleasure. Instead of hurrying up, he kisses me again, lifting me off the sofa. His breath feels short, cheeks warm and flushed.

"India, this is happening too fast. We have to take it easy," he says, pulling my caramel hair away from my face. I bury myself in his chest, not understanding why he wants to go slow. We sacrificed each other because of the past and now I want to forget and just make love, how we meant to.

"I don't want to take it easy," I say, almost whispering.

He lifts my chin and smiles. "You were attacked yesterday and I came here to check on you. I'm not taking advantage of you just because you're acting on an impulse."

"Oliver, I'm fine. Those two guys were too slow and I got away. Now the police will take care of them."

He pushes me back to the sofa and puts a blanket over me. "We don't have to rush anything, India. I want this to be special," he adds and puts on his clothes.

Okay, maybe we're both overwhelmed with this sudden reunion. Oliver's right. I shouldn't start something that might be over in a couple of days. A few months ago, I wished he was dead, and now we were just about to have sex without discussing what we both expected.

"Did I hear right? You broke up with Rhian?" I ask, just to be sure he wasn't joking when he came in. Rhian is a nice girl and I hate that he broke up with her because of me. Now I'm responsible for her grief.

"Yeah, I broke up with her a couple hours ago. I shouldn't have gotten together with her in the first place."

I bite my lip and put back my T-shirt and trousers, realising Oliver is right. We aren't a couple; we aren't even friends. Only a few days ago, we were trying to rekindle our friendship. If we mix sex into this, then maybe there is nothing real about us. Maybe it's just a short outbreak of passion carried over from the past.

"Okay, so you aren't with her anymore. What did you expect from me when you came here?" I ask. Maybe I shouldn't even trust him. Oliver was clear when he said he'd forgiven me, but he hasn't forgotten how I treated him in high school.

"I wanted to see you if you were all right," he says "Besides, what was going on between you and that prick Russell? People on campus say you guys are dating now."

"There's nothing going on. We're just friends. I made it clear to him I won't date anyone in Braxton. Don't believe the rumours."

Oliver starts pinching his eyebrows together. He doesn't need to worry. I wasn't planning to date Russell. My aim is to get Oliver to have a conversation with his mother again. He has to forget the old me from high school. Otherwise, there always will be that wall between us.

"What about me? Are you going to date me?" he asks, squeezing my hand. The coldness and hatred I saw in his eyes so many times has vanished; now it's just warmth and affection. My skin aches for his touch, but he's right. We don't have to rush anything. We both need to figure out how we really feel about each other. I don't think we're both ready for this relationship.

"One day you want to ruin my life, and then the next minute we're dating. People will have a lot to say about that."

"I don't fucking care what other people say. We can put our silly past behind us and start over," he says, kissing my neck. I clench my fists, remembering I'm not being completely honest with him. I've been keeping that secret away for two years and now I have a chance to explain everything I had to go through with Christian. I could tell him why I turned my back on him and bullied him.

"We should discuss our past. I owe you—"

"India, please, we don't have to discuss anything. The past is over. We both moved on and we promised to ourselves we would never talk about it."

I swallow a giant lump in my throat and force a smile, tossing my hair behind me.

"Okay, that's fine, but we will have to talk about it at some point," I say.

"We'll see," he mutters and glances at his watch. "I gotta go, rugby practice. I'll see you later?"

"Yeah, great."

When he leaves, I take a few deep breaths, trying to regain my balance. It's not a complete reunion. We still have a lot to talk about. Oliver deserves to understand why I was so rotten, why I changed into a miserable bitch in a matter of days. He hasn't forgotten about Christian, and for him, it's obvious. His brother's death broke us apart, but now we might start to understand what we had before everything else fell apart.

I walk up to the wardrobe and take out those two letters I'd written him. There is one more. A letter I haven't had the guts to complete. It would be so much easier if we could tell each other that we shouldn't be apart any longer and that we are in love, but it's never that easy. I'm still not ready to tell him what kind of brother he had, what happened to me.

##

## Present

Next day, I step into the cafeteria, feeling tense. I hear the shimmer of whispers behind me and people continue to stare. Everyone already heard the news; rumours travel fast in Braxton.

Oliver came back last night and he made me a late supper and we talked. We decided that the relationship can wait; we have to start by being just friends. For now we will keep everything casual. We both hurt each other, and now it's just a case of rebuilding our trust in one another. We both want to make this work and we both have to take it slow.

There have been rumours in the corridors that Oliver broke up with Rhian because of me. Since I've been here, I've heard many rumours, but someone finally got one right. No one dares throw any more cruel remarks towards me when I walk through the corridors. People don't want to get in trouble with Oliver. He's like a god on campus; no one dares cross him.

I take a deep breath when I don't spot Dora anywhere. I want to talk to her about what is going on between Oliver and me, but not in front of others. I should have talked to her last night, but she stayed with Jacob and I didn't want to interrupt them. But she doesn't like to be the last to know when something is going on with me. Unfortunately, it's not Dora that I have to worry about today. Out of nowhere, Russell jumps into the seat next to me as soon as I place my tray on the table.

"Hey, beautiful, how are you this fine, stunning morning?" he asks, catching me completely off guard. He texted me a few times throughout the evening, hoping to come over, but I lied, saying I had to study. Russell is really into me, and I don't want to crush his feelings.

"Good. What's up?"

The fact is that I hate lying to Russell. He's a genuinely nice guy with a big heart, and despite his cockiness, he is crazy about me. If I weren't so absorbed with Oliver, we could be a cute couple.

"You tell me. What's going on? Are you finally going to agree to go on a date with me? Girls are queuing to go out with me and the only one I want keeps rejecting me."

I pretend I'm still chewing my food. It's time to grow a pair and tell him that he and I... Well, it's not going to happen. Oliver is the man I've been waiting for since I saw him years ago, and now we're rebuilding what we lost. It probably will take us a while, but I can't deceive Russell. He needs to know I'm not interested.

"Russell, I need to be honest with you. I'm trying to sort things out with Oliver. Me and him, we have history together. I don't want to lead you on, pretend that something is going to happen between us."

Russell frowns, giving me one of his disappointed looks, tensing his jaw.

"So what? Morgan dumps his girlfriend, runs to you, and you just take him back? God, India, how could you be so stupid? He's playing with you. Don't you remember what he did to you?"

"Russell, you have no idea what's going on. We agreed to start with friendship and nothing else for now. I know you don't approve, but it's my decision." I continue, ignoring all the stares and whispers. Everyone in the canteen is looking at us right now. "But I never gave you a reason to wait for me. And yes, I remember what he did, but trust me, I was much crueler than him in the past. We're even now."

He laughs and I stare back at my plate. It seems like the whole cafeteria has stopped eating and is tuned in to our whole conversation.

Russell's eyes study me for a long while. "Yeah, Indi, you're right. I have no idea what went on between you two in the past, but I thought you were more intelligent than this. Morgan isn't over his little revenge. It's his game to get in your pants."

"I think you've said enough, Evans. Get the hell out of here before I smash your face against this table."

My heart skips a beat, then races again with tripled force. Oliver stands behind Russell. The whole cafeteria freezes, and I feel like I can't breathe. I shouldn't have talked to Russell about this here. Now I have to do this in front of everyone. Oliver looks pissed off, pinning Russell with his blue eyes. I have to react fast. Otherwise, this won't end well.

"I'm talking to my friend here." Russell smirks, winking at me. Oliver looks like he's on the verge of losing control. "If you got a problem with that, then we can take this outside."

"Russell, I'll talk to you later. Please, this isn't the time or place for this. I know exactly what you're doing," I hiss and grab Oliver's arm before this can escalate and these two do something they will regret later. I don't even know why they hate each other so much.

We both leave the room, followed by a shimmer of whispers. I don't stop until I drag him outside, pulling him into a dark corridor so no one else can hear us.

"Could you please not get involved while I'm trying to have a conversation? I could have handled him."

Oliver takes long pulls of air and lands a punch to the wall. I fold my arms together, waiting for him to calm down. I'm surprised, seeing him so irate. He never had any trouble with his temper before.

"I don't let people walk over me. I've been tolerating him too long. God, India, why do you even still talk to him?"

"He's a friend, and I know you two don't like each other, but he's winding you up because he wants you to lose control. I can't believe you interrupted us like that."

Oliver paces around me, breathing in and out. Then he pushes me to the wall, taking my face into his palms.

"You know I would never lie to you. I've forgiven you, but this guy wants you."

"He does, but it doesn't matter. I only want you, so you can calm down now."

"Fine, whatever, but I swear if he pushes me, I'll destroy him," he says, looking away.

"Just chill. If you're serious about us, about making us work, then calm down. I have to go."

We part and once I'm outside, I feel dizzy. Our small reunion was pleasant, but it's hard to think about the future with all these hurdles in the way. There is still so much unresolved tension between Oliver and me, but this feels right for the first time in my life.

The rest of my day passes without surprises. Dora demands to see me. She probably heard the news from this morning. I text her back, stating we can talk at home later. I sneak to the library in the afternoon, trying to clear my head.

I take my pen and start writing my final letter to Oliver. The letter that will change his perception of forgiveness and the cruelty created within me.

# Chapter Twenty-Four

# The Secret

## Past

"Do you think I ever fancied you? Do you think you were ever good enough for me?"

His questions were like a drill in my brain. I was barely conscious, and his voice sounded like it was coming from a broken radio. I kept counting the seconds in my head, imagining Oliver could still come and rescue me from the nightmare.

I was certain Christian had broken one of my ribs. I wasn't sure anymore how many times he hit me. He was pouring his rage out on me because he couldn't bear the fact that I would have chosen Oliver over him.

I opened my eyes, trying to move my wrists. Cold metal from the handcuffs dug deep into my skin. I couldn't scream anymore, and the music from the party was even louder than before. Christian had thought about everything.

Later on, my last spark of hope had disappeared. No one was going to come to my rescue. Oliver had abandoned me; otherwise, he would have been there already.

Christian threw away the stick he used on me and approached my bed. My breaths were shallow. I wanted to spit into his face just so I didn't have to look at him anymore.

"Now, I think I'm bored of these games. It's time to show you what you've been missing out on."

Christian knew how to ignite the fear in my veins. All the warmth and affection we'd shared was stripped away. He'd become a predator and he was feeding himself with vengeance. I just had to wait for this to end.

He leaned over and nibbled my ear.

"Please, baby, let me go. I won't tell anyone. Please," I begged, shaking with fear because I wasn't sure what he was planning to do with me next.

He laughed. "I know you won't, India. You're too much of a coward. I've got huge plans for both of us, but now it's time for me to claim what's mine."

I didn't get what else he wanted to prove. He'd punished me enough already. His closeness sickened me.

I opened my eyes slightly as he circled around the huge bed. It was enough to see that haunted expression on his face.

"Christian ple—"

"Shut up, you stupid bitch! You're distracting me!" he roared and ran his hands through his hair before jumping on top of me. His eyes shimmered with challenge and joy. The pain blinded me, but I still felt his touch on my thighs. Before I could realise what he was planning, he started fighting with my trousers.

I tried to shake him off, screaming with rage. Realisation hit me like a high-speed car along the motorway, and I fought with his grip because even the idea of this was making me nauseous.

"You know you want this, bitch. I'm going to fuck you hard so you won't forget who you belonged to."

Fear and dread seized deep inside my chest when he ripped off my panties and unzipped his trousers. I'd never slept with anyone. I always imagined my first time to be special, incredibly romantic, and slow, but I never thought I would be hurting so much.

Christian was way too strong to even try to fight him. I screamed at the top of my lungs, knowing I couldn't let him do this to me. He kept laughing, slapping me harder, and before I could even prepare myself, he thrust himself inside of me.

I cried out, feeling like someone stuck a razor between my legs. Christian wasn't going easy on me. He must have thought I lied and I wasn't a virgin. He kept pulling himself into me harder, hurting me more than I could ever take. My ears were ringing. His dirty mouth was on my breasts and his tongue swirled around my body. I had no idea how long he was inside me. I remembered losing consciousness a few times, but every time I opened my eyes, I could see his face. He was in bliss.

At one point, I thought he was going to kill me. He'd caught me like a little monkey. I was in his cage, and he just had to complete this sick act and end my life. I must have passed out again, and when I woke up a few hours later, I felt empty and sorrowful. The party was nearly over.

"I'm taking you home. Go straight to your room. If you try to say anything to anyone, I swear to God I'll kill you," I heard him whispering into my ear.

He was holding me up when we walked through his house, still filled with people. He told others I was wasted and he was taking me home. No one asked questions. He'd made sure there was no blood or marks to alert them.

Then he dropped me home and I went to bed, scared he was going to be back. My mother was in bed so she had no idea what was happening to me. I was too petrified to even consider telling her.

## Present

I finish that last letter and tears start dripping down my cheeks. I'm alone in the library, and I'm glad. I don't want anyone else to witness what I'm going through. These memories own me. They are like living demons inside of me, and as long as I hold them only to myself, they will keep feeding off me.

I finally decided to write this last memory of Christian. It's that one missing piece that can be crucial for Oliver and my future.

A few hours later after Christian had left me in my room, my mother woke me up stating there was an accident and Christian was dead. I had a chance to tell her then, knowing he couldn't hurt me anymore. Instead, I burst into tears and continued to cry until dawn, unable to reveal the truth. I stayed in my room, trying to recover. I was scared to go to the doctor. Christian left bruises but only in the places where no one could see. Mum didn't ask questions. She thought I was in pieces because of his death.

I tap my fingers on the edge of the table, wondering if I should send these letters today. I've been trying to tell Oliver my story, but it would be so much easier if he read it instead. I fold the letter together and slide it into my bag. A few minutes later, I leave the library, telling myself I'm over what happened. I'm over Christian. Now I just need to explain everything to Oliver. I can't be completely happy with him while a secret like this hangs between us both.

When I walk into my apartment, Dora is already waiting for me. She has that look on her face, which tells me she's ready for a long and painful interrogation.

"Hey, India, do you want some dinner?" asks Jacob, emerging from the kitchen.

"She doesn't want any dinner, Jacob. She needs to tell us what's going on. Are you and Oliver together now?"

I roll my eyes. Jacob looks gobsmacked; his mouth hangs open. Obviously, the news didn't reach him yet, but I'm surprised Dora hasn't discussed this with him.

"No, Dora, we aren't together. We're trying to build a friendship first, before we jump into a relationship. We just won't be seeing other people for now until we work out what we both want," I explain.

Dora folds her arms together and frowns, staring at me like she doesn't believe in anything coming out of my mouth.

"What? Do you think we're both stupid? You can't be just friends. Since that party at Melanie's house in Gargle I noticed neither of you can take your eyes off each other."

"Dora, I don't think we should get involved. It's India and Oliver's business," Jacob cuts in, scratching his head.

I walk towards Dora. This conversation doesn't involve Jacob, but I'm glad he tries to keep Dora away from my business.

"Give us a second," I tell Jacob, dragging Dora away to the bathroom.

"India, what are—"

"Shut up, Dora, and listen." I cut her off. "I hope you didn't tell Jacob about Christian."

"No, of course not."

"Good, because I don't want to discuss this in front of your boyfriend. The reason I'm holding off things between Oliver and me is because of Christian. Do you think I can build a solid relationship with him based on lies?"

She doesn't say anything. Instead, she looks away, chewing her nails.

"So are you going to tell him?"

I sigh. "I will, but I need to find the right moment. He broke up with Rhian for me, and he says he doesn't care about the past."

"You both deserve to be happy. He treated you like garbage, but now you forgive him. Why aren't you telling him? You were the victim, not Oliver."

"I don't even know where to start. He will get angry that I kept this from him and that he wasn't there for me when I needed him."

Dora nods, finally getting that our future depends on this terrible secret. I know Oliver. He was always loving and caring, but he might not be able to deal with the fact that I hated him because of Christian, because he beat me up and raped me. Oliver never explained why he didn't show up at that party. He was the one who could have prevented all this.

When we leave the bathroom, Dora promises she will keep her mouth shut for now. Oliver arrives later on, and we watch a film. While we sit, talk, and just hang out, I keep glancing at my bag, wondering if this secret is worth the pain I might cause later.

We both agreed to our new terms, but I find it difficult not to touch him. The images of us together on that sofa flash through my mind throughout the entire film, so it's difficult to concentrate. Now I want Oliver so much more, knowing he decided to hold on until we're both ready.

After the movie, Jacob leaves with Oliver. I don't sleep well that night, faced with the most difficult dilemma. If I send this letter now, Oliver might not understand why I waited. If I keep pretending everything is fine, I'm still a liar.

I'm in love with Oliver. I've been in love with him since the first day I met him. I have no idea if he feels the same way. I don't want him to blame himself for Christian's actions. We both deserve each other, but there have been so many barriers. Will he still think the past is the past when he finds out I was raped and beaten by his own brother... because he didn't show up to that party two years ago?

## Present

Tonight is Oliver and my first official date. The chemistry between us makes our interactions much more difficult, and even though we tried to keep our new relationship casual, we can't seem to stay away from each other.

Oliver isn't the same guy who was doing everything in his power to hurt me. I know he isn't acting when he's with me. This isn't one of his pranks. He's trying for real to be with me, despite what everyone else thinks.

A few girls from the rowing team warned me to be careful because Oliver has never been serious with any other girl. They're trying to tell me his bet is still standing, that he's only doing this to destroy me later. I tell them they don't have to worry because our history goes back to years ago.

A few minutes later, we enter the screening room. Oliver surprised me with the tickets for the premier of one of these big action-type thrillers, which I've wanted to see since it was advertised. We haven't discussed yet how we feel about each other, but once Oliver goes down this road, I'm going to post the letters. It will be easier if I give him some space.

We haven't touched each other since that day when he came to my apartment and told me he broke up with Rhian. That was our moment, when we were lost with each other, and it was precious.

Oliver used to be this quiet guy, he liked keeping to himself and never had many friends. I was always impressed with his long, black hair, his Goth look. Whenever I came to the Morgans' house, he was always there, watching me, when Christian was too busy talking about himself.

We kissed for the first time in the cinema, when we were siting next to each other. Now over two years later, we're back in the same setting. He squeezes my hand and my heartbeat thumps faster. My mouth goes dry. Oliver is trying to recreate that perfect moment. He knows my self-control can only go so far. He leans towards me and his breath is on my neck. The goose pimples keep sprouting all over my arms.

"You have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now."

That's the problem; we both want to take this further. I turn to face him, tracing my finger along his strong jaw. His eyes widen and the air around us becomes dense. We are surround by people, and I know how annoying it is to see someone kissing in front of you.

"It's better not to, despite how much I want to kiss you too," I whisper back. A smile dances across his face, but he sits back and we continue watching the film. After the screening, we walk into a small bar and order a drink.

"Have you thought about your mother? You know, about talking to her?" I ask once we are both relaxed.

Oliver's eyes sparkle with annoyance. He takes a sharp breath and smooths his hair.

"There's no need to bring this up, India. It's part of our agreement. We're not supposed to talk about the past."

His voice is sharp and he's adamant that his mother doesn't mean anything to him. It's odd how fast he can lose that affectionate tone. Good and loving Oliver can change into cruel in a matter of seconds.

I sip my cocktail, wondering how to best tackle this conversation.

"She's doing much better now. I've spoken to her, Oliver. She filed for divorce and then started therapy," I explain.

"You spoke to her? But why? After I left Gargle?"

I knew if I mentioned this, the awkward questions would come. I want to tell him I looked after his mother when he wasn't around.

"She didn't have anyone else, and I thought I'd see how she was doing. I felt guilty about how I treated you in high school."

He looks at me with reservation, finishing his pint. I'd known he felt angry and betrayed. His mother was trying to smooth their relationship, but he was having none it. He was leaving and he didn't need her anymore.

Oliver never knew I was outside his house during his last night in Gargle.

# Chapter Twenty-Five

# Vengeance

## Past

I didn't come to visit Mrs. Morgan. It was just an excuse to see Oliver one last time, before he left Gargle forever. I didn't even know he was going to be home. He and his mother didn't get on. But I went around the house and stood on the porch. I was probably the last person Oliver wanted to see, after what I put him through at school.

I was just about to knock at the Morgans' house when I heard voices coming from the kitchen. I stood there, frozen, listening and thinking he wouldn't want to even look at me. His voice always comforted me, so when I heard him then, it was like we were back together before everything went wrong, before the party.

"Ollie, let's talk about it. You don't want to abandon everyone." Mrs. Morgan sounded desperate and broken. After Christian's death, she stopped talking to Oliver, but she wasn't bitter anymore.

I bit my lips, feeling like a coward. It was a bad idea showing up like that. I wasn't welcome in the Morgans' house. Nothing had been how it used to be. I knew he was leaving, but I needed to hear him one last time.

I'd been vicious towards Oliver, but his misery gave me the strength I lost when Christian violated me.

"Now you want to talk, after the insults, after all the drama?" he roared, and I heard something being smashed. Oliver must have lost his temper and thrown one of the dishes.

"I want to say I'm sorry, but even if I apologise, nothing is going to happen. I know I should be ashamed of myself for what—"

"Please don't pity yourself. You made me miserable. You favoured the dead boy and now you just expect me to forget that you hated me?" he asked. I knew I should leave, but I stood on their porch, unable to move, feeling maybe I was meant to hear everything.

I heard Mrs. Morgan's sobs. Oliver was right in some ways. She couldn't expect him to stay and forget he was treated like garbage when Christian was alive. Now he was old enough to leave. He didn't need her anymore.

"Where are you going exactly? I've seen the letters from Scotland. Is that where you're planning to study?" she asked.

"Stay out of my business and my life. You stopped being my mother when you chose him. Now leave me the fuck alone and die!" he shouted again. I heard steps and then I instantly knew he wasn't going back to his room, but he was leaving through the backdoor.

I turned around and started running away, my heart pounding with abnormal speed. Behind me, the door opened, and I knew it was already too late because Oliver probably saw me hurrying through his grass. I didn't look back. I just carried on running.

"Gretel! You will get what you deserve one day!"

That last sentence was meant for me, but I was too afraid to stop. I went there to see him, thinking he would want to talk to me. In that moment, I regretted that I turned my back on him. I wanted to jump into a time machine and fix everything that was broken.

## Present

"Maybe she does, but I can't just forget. She didn't show me any care or affection. Instead, she abused me," he says, pressing his lips together. "Why did you run away that night? What were you doing outside on the porch?"

I drink some more cocktail, feeling like a coward for keeping so much important stuff from him.

"I wanted to see you. I knew you were leaving Gargle."

"But you ran away. I was confused because a day before that, you spread the rumour that I slept with the bloke from another school."

A hot flush creeps over my cheeks. We promised each other we wouldn't talk about the past.

"This is the past, and we both agreed we weren't going into that," I say quietly. His eyes glaze with mischief and curiosity. I tell myself I can't go there, not yet, not here.

"You were the one that brought up my memories about the woman I have to call my mother."

"I'm only saying you should talk, try to have a conversation with her," I tell him, feeling like an intruder. Mrs. Morgan needs to gain Oliver's trust again, and I want to help both of them.

I place my palm on top of his and give him a smile.

"I know what you're trying to do, India." He sighs and my stomach flips. "But this isn't going to work. I won't go back to Gargle just so she can pretend I'm Christian."

Even now, after all this time, that name sickens me, but I try not to show anything. He thinks Mrs. Morgan wants him back so she can replace Christian. Oliver is wrong, but right now I can't tell him what's going on. I have to be careful what I'm implying.

We both finish our drinks and leave. Our whole relationship is based on the events from two years ago, and it's hard to separate that from the present.

We pass the cinema again, and I stop for a moment, looking through the movies that are coming to the screen. Films are my passion, and now that I have Oliver back, I don't have to go alone anymore.

I point at a few and Oliver nods, saying we should book the tickets before the release day.

"You're right. I read the reviews and..."

I don't even realise when Oliver walks away from me. I glance back, seeing him in front of two guys. I recognise one of them from rugby practice, but Oliver doesn't look too happy. One of the guys is staring at me, smirking, holding a mobile phone, while Oliver talks to him. Before I can even analyse this whole situation, it turns violent. Oliver pushes the guy against the wall. He seems to be saying something to him.

I hurry towards them, but his teammate is already back safely on the ground.

"What's going on, Oliver?" I ask, but he pulls away, breathing heavily.

"I'm just teaching Marcus manners. That's all, right, buddy?" he asks the guy he just threatened. Marcus looks apprehensive, but he gives me a quick nod. The other guy with him seems tense.

"Yeah," replies Marcus, and before I can say anything, the two guys start walking away. Oliver's eyes stay on them until they vanish around the corner.

"What was that about?" I ask him.

"It was about practice. They're trying to discredit me as a captain," he explains, taking my hand.

"What? Why would they do that? I mean, you're a great player."

"It's nothing. Don't worry about it. Let me take you home before we get caught in the rain."

"This didn't look like nothing, Oliver."

"He was trying to provoke me. He knows I have a bad temper."

I keep pressing on, but Oliver isn't planning to explain exactly what that whole argument was about. After we get home, we don't have much privacy there, as Dora is making out with Jacob on our sofa. Oliver stays for the night. We sleep together, cuddled up. When I wake in the morning, I have a smile on my face, and for the first time in years, I slept through the night without nightmares.

## Present

"He will get bored of her as soon as he realises how dumb she really is," says Mackenzie during our rowing practise. She is having an intense conversation with another girl, making assumptions about my relationship with Oliver, and she knows I can hear her. Mackenzie has been stirring rumours about Oliver and me. Since that unlucky race just before Christmas, she has been reminding me how much she wants to make my life miserable. People still remember the fact that I humiliated myself during the rowing competition and the fact that he liked to prank me.

Coach has been on my back about the swimming lessons. I know he won't let me compete if I don't learn how to swim at least a few meters. My lessons are slow, and I've made some progress, but I've a long way to go.

"Well, he dumped you first, didn't he?" I ask with amusement in my tone. "So he must have thought you weren't that intelligent after all."

"You'll be the one crying. Everyone knows he doesn't date. He fucks girls and then moves to the next one."

"Are you sure about that? So far it's been over six weeks and we're still together. People change—well, some people. Others stay the same, bitter and unhappy," I add, tossing my hair behind me and walking back to the changing room.

Mackenzie twists her lips and shoots me a look that could kill. I make a habit of going into the changing room first, especially after she locked me up in there, hoping to teach me a lesson. I couldn't quite believe when she stole all my clothes and left me locked up. At first, I though it was Oliver that led her to it, but he was the one that sent Jacob to let me out as soon as she told him what she did. The tiny voice in my head reminds me that I used to be like that. I treated Oliver with so much more hatred. I'm walking and talking proof of the fact that people can become monsters if they want to hurt someone.

When I get home in the late afternoon, I switch my clothes and rush back to the local stadium. It's Oliver and Jacob's practise today. They have a very important match this weekend, and Dora has been insisting that we should both go.

"They're our boyfriends and we should support them. Jacob has been ranting about this practise all week," she says.

"But you don't even understand rugby, Dora."

She disappears in the bathroom, muttering something about the fact that she doesn't need to understand the rules to enjoy herself.

"Are you ready yet?" she shouts half an hour later when I try to put on the rest of my makeup.

"I'll be out in five. We have plenty of time."

"No, we haven't. Jacob just texted me, saying Coach changed the time, so we have to leave now," says Dora.

I curse silently. I hate being rushed like that. In the past, people have spread filthy rumours about me, and I want to prove that I'm happy, so I need to look decent. I heard Oliver is only dating me because he wants to get back at Russell. There's no limits to what Mackenzie will say just to get people's attention.

"You look good in those boots and jeans, so stop fussing around and let's just go. Jacob said something about having a drink later on."

I take a look at my reflection in the mirror and smile. Dora is right. I look hot and even my makeup isn't ruined. I do feel like I'm going there to prove something today. Making such an effort just to please my boyfriend and others. I know I don't need to do that, but it's Braxton, and I've always classed this university as my second home. People don't respect me and I want to turn my reputation around. Show that I care about Oliver and that he doesn't consider me just one of his other girlfriends.

We reach the stadium just before five. Oliver, Jacob, and the rest of the team are already on the pitch. Their coach talks to an older man in a suit. It's a typical rugby practise, but it looks like there's more than a dozen people around. Girls mostly. I spot Mackenzie in the back and that odd uncomfortable feeling settles in my stomach. She's with a group of girls.

I look away, watching the warm-up. Dora doesn't even pay attention to what's going on. She's texting furiously on her phone. I wish Oliver had told me how important this is for him. Maybe he didn't tell me because he thought I would compare him to Christian.

In the past, I had to be at every rugby match Christian played in. I had a choice, but I always felt bad if I didn't show. Christian was very manipulative like that. He often told me it was my responsibility to support him. Otherwise, other girls wouldn't want to hang out with me. He made it sound like his career was more important than anything else. He kept telling me if I missed one of his matches, people would think our relationship was going through crisis.

I think I was too young to notice what he was doing, but right now, I want to be in the stadium, watching Oliver. I don't feel any pressure.

Dora finally starts paying attention when the match begins. Oliver dominates from the start. Jacob gets points, along with Russell. Dora keeps cheering, and I look curiously around. Oliver's coach is talking to the older man in the suit, pointing at players. I lean towards Dora and ask, "Who do you think that guy is?"

"What guy?"

"The one in the suit, standing by Coach Trevor. Do you think he's a scout?"

She stares at me blankly. She obviously has no idea what I'm talking about. "That guy in the suit, you know, by the trainer," I add, pointing at the older guy.

"Oh, well, maybe. Jacob was nervous about today. Well, I guess maybe he is important."

Dora doesn't care much about rugby. She keeps cheering even if the other team scores, but her heart is in the right place. The match moves smoothly, and after the first half, Oliver's team is slightly ahead.

Halfway through the second half, Oliver gets the ball. He takes down two defenders running to the right-hand side of the field. He's moving so fast that no one is going to catch up with him. Some girls start cheering for him, so I get up to have a better view.

He takes a sharp turn to the right close to the line at the end of the field. Then someone tackles him from behind, crushing into him with dangerous speed. Oliver crashes in the grass. The whistle goes off and a few guys run towards him when he doesn't get up. A couple of people around me get up to have a better view of what's going on. One of the guys shouts something to the coach. For about twenty minutes, I have no idea what's going on. Oliver doesn't get up, and more and more guys gather around him. They're on the other side of the field, and it's hard to tell if Oliver has been seriously injured. My stomach tightens because Oliver still hasn't gotten up, so I automatically assume he is too battered to move, and that isn't a good sign.

After what seems like hours, I spot Oliver being carried out towards the benches. Everything around me moves in slow motion. Dora starts talking to me, but I can't hear her. All I can do is wonder if he is all right. The wind picks up and heavy clouds start gathering in the south. Then the pitch is empty; everyone runs to the changing rooms.

# Chapter Twenty-Six

#

# Phone Call

## Present

"I need to get down there!" I say to Dora. My own voice doesn't sound like me. I keep repeating in my mind that Oliver is going to be okay. He must have gone through hits like that about a million times. It's just part of the sport. He'll walk up to me at any minute.

"India, come on. Let's go see if he's all right. Just don't worry. Oliver is going to be fine. Jacob has been blocked like that a few times and he always comes out of it in one piece," says Dora, looking anxiously at me. She's probably right, but I'm worried about him.

We both move down below the stadium, but a few people from his team tell me he is being looked after and we can't go in. Minutes pass and then all of us hear the ambulance. Dread passes through my entire body and gloomy thoughts keep rolling over my mind. Dora tries to calm me down, but her words only make me more agitated. Then I see Oliver being carried away, but no one is talking to me.

"What the hell happened?" I ask as Jacob appears from the changing room.

"Russell tried to block him, but he went too fast and chose the wrong tackle. Things like that always happen. Oliver will be fine."

"Are you freaking kidding me? He's unconscious. The ambulance is taking him to the hospital!" I shout. It looks like no one else realises the seriousness of this whole situation.

"India, calm down—"

"I'm not going to calm down unless I see him!" I shout. Jacob nods, not saying anything else. Seconds turn into minutes, and next thing I know, I'm on the way to the hospital. People speak to me, but I keep nodding, not responding. Once we all get into the ER, most of Oliver's teammates are there already. This whole situation seems like a nightmare. It was just a scrimmage, not even a real match.

I can't even gather my thoughts, but once I know Oliver is going to be all right, I'll deal with Russell. I'm certain this wasn't a coincidence. He couldn't forgive that I chose Oliver, so he wanted to hurt him. One wouldn't suspect anything during a rugby practise. My heart starts racing when Jacob and Dora try to find out more about Oliver's condition. I feel bad that I had a go on them earlier, considering Jacob took me to the hospital without getting changed. All his clothes are covered in mud, and he absolutely stinks.

Once I'm calmer, the receptionist tells us we have to sit tight and wait. At the moment, no one is allowed in.

"But he is going to be all right?" I ask the nurse, who doesn't seem to be in a hurry to give me a valid response.

"Miss, as I said to you already, you have to wait for the doctor," she repeats and gets back to her work.

I sigh and go back to my seat, pissed off because I have no idea what's going on. No one seems to want to tell me anything. We finally agreed to some sort of relationship, and now I don't even know if he's going to be all right. This wasn't supposed to happen.

"Russell did this to Oliver because he can't stand the fact that I chose him," I say after a long moment of silence.

"He went a bit too far," agrees Jacob, who exchanges a startled look with Dora. I pretend I don't see it because I have more important things to worry about.

All of a sudden, I have this instant urge to confront Russell. I've never promised him anything. I was clear right from the start that I wasn't interested in dating.

After half an hour, Dora sends Jacob home to wash himself and brings me coffee. All my limbs are numb, but I drink it, knowing I haven't eaten anything since lunch. My stomach is in knots and I probably wouldn't be able to swallow food even if I tried.

Finally, after a few long hours, I manage to find out that Oliver is conscious. This could have been much worse, but for now, he has two broken ribs and a concussion. They don't know how long he needs to be kept in, but it looks like he is going to survive. I can finally breathe with relief.

When I'm allowed to see him, I can't hold my tears. I know I'm being silly, but I can't help it as the adrenaline slowly wears off. Oliver looks pale, but a smile breaks over his face when our eyes meet.

"Indi," he says. At least he's trying to be cheerful.

Dora moves behind me quietly.

"I spoke to the doctor, broken ribs and a concussion. How are you feeling?" I ask.

He tries to laugh it off, but the pain passes through his face. "Chill out, I'm fine. Maybe a little bruised, that's all," he adds like it's not a big deal at all.

Dora moves a chair in front of his bed.

"You're not just bruised. This is really serious, Oliver. The doctor wants to keep you here for a few days."

"I should be out tomorrow. I'll take it easy and then kick Russell's arse. He was out of line."

"He was, but Russell can wait. There is no way you'll be out tomorrow," I insist.

We argue about this for several minutes before the nurse walks in to check on him. Oliver looks completely exhausted, so Dora and I leave to let him rest a little.

"I can't believe it. You're in love with him," states Dora as we wait outside for Jacob to give us a lift home.

"I was always in love with him, but I didn't want to admit it, even when he was doing all those horrible things to me." I sigh and get to the car before she can start this discussion. Fortunately for me, Dora doesn't dwell on this subject. Maybe she is aware that Jacob can hear everything. We've never talked about our feelings and I want to keep it that way, and after all, Jacob is his best friend.

When we get home, I wonder if I should speak to Oliver's mother. She deserves to know what's happened, but I know how he would react if I mention it.

"Do you want a hot chocolate?" asks Dora, sitting by me on the sofa. Jacob is in the kitchen, probably trying to make supper from what we have left in the fridge.

A few hours later, Jacob serves us a tuna pasta salad and we all eat in silence. No one seems to be in the mood to do anything, so after supper, we all go to bed early, exhausted from the events of the day. I think it's after one in the morning when I finally drift off to sleep. The nightmares from the party are back.

The next day, after a long morning of classes, I finally feel that I've done something productive. Dora agrees to meet me for lunch later on. I run to the canteen. Russell is sitting at his usual spot, alone, with a double portion of lunch.

I slam my bag to the floor and sit opposite him, eyeing him angrily.

"I can't believe you're such an arsehole. Oliver has broken ribs and a concussion!" I yell, not caring for the world that the whole canteen stopped eating and now everyone is staring at us.

Russell continues to chew his food, staring at me with his usual smirk. "I don't know what you're talking about, Gretel."

I try to contain myself. Russell is still a friend—who betrayed me—and he obviously isn't sorry about what happened to Oliver.

"You attacked him to make sure he wouldn't get up. You weren't only blocking him. Everyone saw it. Are you out of your mind?"

Russell gives me an angry look and pushes away his plate. His face moves closer to mine and for the first time, I really see his deep-green eyes.

"You will thank me later."

My jaw drops. People start whispering around me. I can't believe he just said that.

"Hey, India, it's okay. Coach has already given him the talk. He's been suspended and he won't play through the whole semester," says a voice behind me. It's Jacob, and I can feel his hand on my arm.

My mind goes blank all of a sudden. Russell continues to eat his food, ignoring me.

"I hate you, Russell. I can't believe you did this just because I chose him," I say loudly and leave his table, following Jacob. My muscles feel numb and this whole situation feels like a surreal dream. I don't understand what Russell meant when he said I should thank him. Oliver ended up in the hospital because of him, and I should be happy about that? I don't think so.

I storm out of the canteen, feeling hopeless and drained. The rest of my day moves in slow motion. When I'm done with all my lectures, Dora gives me a lift to the hospital.

After seeing Oliver, my mood lifts. The colour on his cheeks came back, but he's still in bed, looking bored and a little pissed off.

"Hey, how are you feeling today?"

"Fine, but that doc doesn't want me out. He keeps saying they have to keep me in for observation."

"I'm glad. They are right. You have a concussion," I say, handing him his favourite tuna sandwich. That brings a smile to his face. I let him eat for a moment, not saying anything. Then we talk about my uneventful day, but I keep my confrontation with Russell to myself.

"Oliver, I know you already said no, but I think we should call your mother," I say quietly. One look at his face tells me he isn't happy I brought this up.

"India, why are you so adamant about making me talk to the woman? She never cared before, so how are you so sure she would care now?"

I hate lying to him. I hate that I can't just go ahead and explain what's gone on in the past. This whole plan of getting him and his mother together keeps failing.

"That part of our lives is over. If you fix your relationship with her, then our relationship will be stronger."

Oliver looks at me intensely, like he can read everything on my mind.

"Don't call her. I don't think I can deal with her before I deal with Russell."

"Maybe you don't have to worry about Russell. Your coach gave him a talk and apparently he isn't allowed to play for the whole semester."

"Son of a bitch, good old Brown." Oliver laughs.

I spend the rest of my evening trying to convince Oliver he has to stay in the hospital and follow doctor's orders. Russell's words are still in my mind when I leave later on. He hurt Oliver for me. Maybe Russell wanted to show me he was willing to risk his rugby career for me.

However, after a while, I realise this theory doesn't make much sense. Russell was transferred and he had no idea what went on between Oliver and me back in the beginning of the first semester. Either way, he can't possibly think I would leave Oliver for him.

Couple of days later, Oliver is discharged from the hospital. Dora moves in with Jacob for a couple of days, whereas I take charge of looking after Oliver.

"We're finally alone," he mutters, kissing me gently, when Dora shuts the door. Heat blazes through me.

"Yes, we are, but the doctor's orders are clear. You are supposed to be resting," I say, pushing him away. Since our date to the cinema, we haven't had a chance to be together, and now he needs to be looked after, which means I have to keep my hands to myself.

"Come on, Indi, we have a lot of time to catch up. You drive me crazy and I don't think I can wait any longer," he says, wrapping his hands around my waist and pulling my body to his. My breath becomes shallow when I stare at Oliver's bright-blue eyes. I'm lost as he kisses me for a long time, not caring about the fact that he was lying in a hospital bed a few hours earlier. Oliver doesn't kiss like any other guy I've been with. His touch is like a heat wave, and I always want more. The air around us cracks with desire, and before we know it, we're moving down to my bedroom, but by the door, Oliver makes a growling sound of pain, and I release him where I pressed my hands to his stomach, probably crushing his ribs.

"Maybe this isn't such a good idea. You're in pain," I say, breathing heavily.

"I can deal with a little pain. Just keep your hands away from my stomach if you can help it." He smirks.

"Oliver, this is silly. Okay, we both want this, but I think we should wait until you heal. We both want this to be special."

Oliver curses under his breath. "You're right. We should just chill. We'll have plenty of sex once I'm back in form."

He sounds annoyed, but once we both settle to watch a movie, we quickly forget about our heated moment. We're both aware of the tension between us, but we try our best to ignore it.

##

## Present

Next week, Oliver feels better, and I'm used to having him in my apartment. He is banned from any exercise, so we spend most days watching films and trying to keep our hands off each other. People talk about us; there are rumours we moved in together. Russell gives me odd looks when I pass him in the corridor. I'm still angry over what happened.

When I check my phone, walking back from the library, I have several missed calls from an unknown number. I put my mobile back in my pocket, but then it vibrates again as I'm just about to walk into my apartment. Hesitating a moment. I answer.

"Hello? India speaking."

"India, thank God I got through to you," says Mrs. Morgan. I recognise her voice instantly. "I wasn't sure if you saved my number."

"Mrs. Morgan, hi, nice to hear from you," I say, wondering if there is a reason she is calling now.

"Listen. India, I need to speak to my son. This is important."

She sounds tense and on the verge of tears. My pulse starts racing. Mrs. Morgan can't expect me to just make Oliver talk to her.

"Mrs. Morgan. I'm sorry, but I don't think this is such a good idea. Oliver needs a little—"

"India, listen to me." She cuts me off before I can finish my thought. "Oliver's father is dead. He had a heart attack. He died last night in the hospital."

Long silence stretches for several minutes. At first, I don't really get what she just told me. Then her words slowly come back to me. Death... heart attack. I stop in front of my own door, holding the frame as the dizziness heats me.

"Oliver's father? He is dead?" I repeat, just to make sure I heard her correctly.

"He visited someone here. I didn't even know he was in town. Then I get this phone call from the hospital. Apparently, I was still listed as his next-of-kin. He died before I got there."

Breath caches in my throat. Oliver is still in my apartment. I can hear him laughing with Dora. I'm the one that has to deliver the news to him. His relationship with his father has been even worse than with his mother, but I can't imagine him not reacting over this terrible news.

"Oh my God, Mrs. Morgan, that's terrible."

"I'm organising the funeral in a couple of days. I know things have been difficult between me and my son, but I have to talk to him."

"Mrs. Morgan... Caroline," I say, taking a deep breath, "let me talk to Oliver. I'll explain everything to him and we'll be in Gargle as soon as we can."

There is silence on the line. Mrs. Morgan knows she should leave this to me. Oliver made it clear he doesn't want to talk to her.

"So my son hasn't changed his mind?"

"I'm afraid, no, he didn't, but I'll convince him to come. It will be okay. I promise."

I shouldn't make promises like that, but Oliver now has to choose. He is part of the family and he has to at least pretend he is affected. He has forgiven me, so maybe he will be willing to forgive his own mother.

"Thank you, India. Let me know when you'll be in Gargle," says Mrs. Morgan, and we both hang up.

I lick my bottom lip, contemplating how Oliver will take this news. He was upset about Christian, and I was celebrating. This situation with his father, well, this is a different story. I never understood the reason both his parents favoured Christian. Oliver isolated himself out of his family, and as far back as I could remember, his father was always away from home.

I look at the door for more than a minute, playing the scenario over in my head. Oliver will know straightaway that something is wrong. I'm so rubbish with hiding my emotions.

When I enter the apartment, Dora is sitting with Jacob on the sofa, laughing about a comedy show. Oliver is sitting at my laptop. He smiles when he sees me. I don't know what to do. Dora and Jacob are our friends, so I don't think I can keep this away from them.

"Hey, India, come on. You gotta watch this. It's hilarious!" says Dora, throwing her popcorn everywhere.

"Dora, can you switch off the TV? I have some news."

She looks at me like I'm joking.

"Please, Dora."

Jacob takes the remote control and the TV goes black. Three pairs of eyes turn to me now. God, I feel like a traitor. Oliver's mother should have talked to him. It's not my place to tell him, but I can't get out of here now.

"I just had a phone call from your mum."

He reacts like I expected.

"What? She called you? I can't believe this!"

"Come on, bro, she is your mother. What's wrong, India?" asks Jacob. He obviously has no idea what went on between Oliver and his mum.

"Listen to me, Oliver. She called to say that your father had a heart attack and he died in the hospital yesterday."

Oliver sits back in the chair, looking at me blankly. Dora lets go of a small gasp and my heart starts pounding dangerously fast. This wasn't how I was planning to do this, but now it's too late. I have to support Oliver through this tragedy.

I walk over and sit by him. His eyes are wide, filled with confusion. I don't know if I should say anything or not. Long, uncomfortable silence stretches for a few minutes.

"We will be in my room," says Dora after a moment. I'm glad she leaves us alone. I still don't know how he feels about this news. Is he glad, like I used to be, that his father is dead?

"I know you hated him, but I think we should go to the funeral. It will be easier for you to close that chapter in your life." My voice is gentle.

Oliver gets up abruptly and paces around the room, running his hand through his hair.

"I've imagined this moment for so long, and I wondered how I'd feel hearing that I don't have to think about my father anymore," he says. "I should be relieved and glad, but I feel nothing, absolutely fucking nothing, just pure emptiness."

I walk up to him, wanting to tell him that I get why he feels so empty. After the news about Christian's death, I thought I was happy, but after some time, I felt empty, like he had taken away all my emotions and I was forced to grieve.

"We will get through this together. I promise I will be with you," I whisper into his ear.

He cups my face in his palms and looks at me. "I don't want to go back to Gargle, India."

"I know it's hard, but he was your father, despite how badly he treated you. It's time for both of us to face the past."

He probably wants to tell me he isn't ready and that his mother doesn't deserve to see him, but this isn't the time for that. He has to say good-bye to his father, let go of the feelings. The Morgan family has been broken for so long, but this is the opportunity to fix everything. When I lost my Dad, I couldn't function. Then Mum started drinking, and I felt so hopeless and lost. Maybe things could have been different between Christian and me if my father were alive. I probably would never have gone out with him in the first place.

Oliver shares some memories of his father with me. He feels anxious about going back to Gargle. It's not like he can avoid his family after what's happened.

Back in high school, Oliver was weak and in the shadow of his popular brother. In Braxton, he transformed, became a new, independent man with goals and aspirations. He doesn't want to go back because people might recognise him. They might compare him to Christian.

That night, I fall asleep in Oliver's arms. Later, in the middle of the night, he whispers into my ear that he will go back to Gargle. That trip will be a test of our relationship. That place will bring up everything Oliver escaped. He will have to make peace with his mother and accept his father's death. Everything else can wait.

# Chapter Twenty-Seven

# Funeral

## Present

Next day, the four of us pack everything into Dora's car and make the journey back to our hometown. Over two years ago, Oliver had sworn he would never come back to Gargle. Then he showed up unexpectedly during that New Year's Eve party. He wanted to know why I came to visit his mother. Then we made peace, his bullying stopped, and now we are getting back together, as if the past no longer matters.

Last time, no one knew Oliver was back, but now it's official. Other people will recognise him, judge him. Then they will spot me. The person that was the cause of all the drama and pain.

Oliver is quiet throughout the journey. Last night I called Mum to let her know that I was on my way back. She had heard the news, and after a lot of difficult conversation, she agreed for Oliver to stay with us. But she wants an explanation of why he isn't staying with his own mother.

Mum knows only bits and bobs about the conflict in the Morgans' household, but she has no idea what happened between Christian and me.

Three hours later, we drive through the town centre. I feel Oliver tensing next to me without saying a word. Dora drops us outside my house and asks me to let her know if any date has been set for the funeral.

"Are you sure your mother doesn't mind? I can stay in the hotel," he says, looking around.

"I spoke to her. She's fine with this, but you have to go and see your mum. There is no point in waiting until tomorrow."

"I told you I will as long as you're with me."

Mum runs across the path and hugs me. She is the spitting image of me, the same long, caramel hair and fair skin. When she finally notices Oliver, her eyes widen with amazement.

"My God, what a transformation. India was right when she said you changed," she says.

"Good to see you too, Mrs. Gretel."

My mother says she is really sorry for his loss. Oliver nods and we all go into the house. My little sister Josephine keeps staring at Oliver for several minutes before she realises that's him.

Mum takes me away to the kitchen to talk a little. I feel sick that I haven't told her that Oliver and I started dating.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on here?" she asks, folding her arms together. I bite my lip, contemplating where to start. There is so much I have been meaning to tell her.

"Oliver left Gargle because his relationship with his mother broke down. He wasn't planning to come back."

Mum arches her eyebrows in confusion. "That's why he can't stay with her, because they had a fight?"

"It's more than just a fight. It's complicated, Mum. Can you drop it for now?" I ask.

She sighs and places her palm on my shoulder. "I can, but there is something else you're hiding from me. You and Oliver are a couple, right?"

"We're working things out between us. This is also very complicated."

"Are you sure you want to get yourself involved with another Morgan? I know how hard it was for you to cope after Christian—"

"Mum, please. I don't even know why I dated Christian. Maybe because I wanted to get closer to Oliver. Can you be happy for me just this once?" I ask.

"I'm happy for you. It's just worrying me. I don't want you to get hurt. Oliver looks a little damaged, and he could take you down with him."

"It's going to be all right. I'll make him see Mrs. Morgan. She changed. She takes her medication and goes to therapy. Oliver has nothing to worry about."

"I hope you're right, hun. Just be careful. He needs to be the one with initiative."

Later in the afternoon, Oliver finally emerges from my room. I saw him drifting off earlier, so I left him to catch up on some sleep. Mrs. Morgan has been on the phone with me, asking if Oliver was planning to come today. The funeral was set for Saturday, which gives Oliver two days to make peace with his mother.

I witnessed some of their encounters, so I could understand him, but now his father is dead. He doesn't have to wait for anything. She also doesn't know about his transformation. Oliver will remind her about Christian; that's why I have to be there with him.

"Let's go to town, see if Gargle is still as depressing as I remember," suggests Oliver, passing me my jacket as the darkness falls.

"I thought we were going to see your mother. Don't you think it's time?"

"She can wait until tomorrow. I've got to be in the right frame of mind to able to face her, India, and today isn't a good day," he says, spinning me around and kissing me. He's doing a good job trying to distract me.

"You guys are so gross."

We pull away from each other and Oliver starts laughing. I smile at Josephine, who doesn't look too happy that she had to witness Oliver and me making out.

Dora arrives with Jacob to pick us up and we head to the club in the town centre. It's no point trying to convince Oliver that he should take it easy. Maybe that's the way he wants to deal with his grief. Get drunk and party. Everyone copes differently. I started hurting him because I felt trapped in my own body.

"Wow, old, nasty Gargle, even the name for this town is appropriate," says Oliver once we approach the small club. When we were younger, we weren't allowed, but now I'd rather be at home than drinking here.

I exchange a worried look with Jacob and follow Oliver. Dora recognises a few girls we used to hang out with while we were in high school. I have a bad feeling about this. No one knows how much Oliver has changed. After he left, people used to pick on me because I stopped going out and hanging out with the old pack, and now I'm here with the person I'm supposed to hate.

"It's not that bad. I can't believe this club is still here, right?" says Dora, winking at me.

We get inside and find a seat in the back. Oliver disappears to get us all drinks. It's midweek so the club isn't busy, but I already spot a couple faces I know.

"This is wrong. We shouldn't be here now," I whisper to Jacob while Dora keeps chatting away with some of her old friends.

Jacob rubs his eyebrow, staring at Oliver, who is busy with his order. "He never talked about his father before. I know him and I don't think he's dealing with this how he should."

I'm just about to say something when someone slams himself next to me. My jaw drops right down when I see Bryan Roze, the guy with whom I rebounded after Christian's death. I want to start screaming. How come all of the sudden everyone is here?

"Indi, how nice to see you here again. I feel like we're back in high school. So how you been?"

"Fine... great, actually. What the hell are you doing here, Bryan? I thought you were studying in London?" I ask after the initial shock of seeing him here. My memories race back to the night I spent with him. I was hurting and I needed to feel like a real woman, and I thought sleeping with someone would take away the demons.

"I'm taking a little break. So what do you say? Do you think we can have some fun together like we used to?" he asks, leaning closer. His breath smells of vodka. Jacob moves over him and Dora shoots me a questionable look.

"I'm sorry, but she's with me, so I suggest you move along before I get angry," barks Jacob.

I swallow hard, knowing it was a bad idea coming here tonight. Bryan isn't a guy who can take an offence without showing what he's capable of.

"Wow, Indi, don't tell me you're with that loser. I thought you would do so much better than that."

"No, Bryan, India is here with me, and if you don't take your dirty hands off her, I'll fuck you up so hard you won't be able to move!" says Oliver, who magically appears in front of me, looking at Bryan like he's just about to tear him to pieces.

"Who would have thought so? The perfect Indi got herself a harem of losers." Bryan smirks. He obviously doesn't think he should move.

Jacob tenses next to me. I can't even look at Dora's face, and Oliver, I doubt he has much control left. I can smell trouble coming. I don't believe Bryan recognises who he's looking at. Oliver has changed, and at first, I had real trouble seeing the old Oliver in this new, astonishingly amazing body.

"Oliver, we should leave, now!" I hiss, getting up, trying to push him away. Jacob and Dora already got the hint and are grabbing their stuff. Bryan stares at Oliver and that smirk disappears. We start getting up and I pray Oliver won't do anything stupid.

"Morgan? Hell, yeah, this is Morgan. I thought I recognised you," says Bryan, following us to the entrance. Oliver is breathing so hard I think he's going to pass out. I keep squeezing his hand, telling him to leave it, but he keeps glancing back at Bryan. When I think the threat is over, I hear Bryan just behind me. "You were fucking the awesome Morgan. Then you crawled back to me, and now you're fucking this worthless piece of shit. I thought better of you, Indi!"

This time all of us hear him, and I can't hold back Oliver any longer. He dodges away from us and storms toward Bryan without a warning. His punch is quick and efficient. Before any of us can realise what is happening, my ex-lover is on the floor and Oliver is on top of him, hitting him continuously. Dora screams, Jacob tries to pull Oliver off, but it looks like Oliver is going through some vicious state. He isn't controlling himself anymore. Someone else calls security and a couple of bouncers tear him away from Bryan.

My heart stops for several moments as I stare at Bryan, who is still lying on the floor, moaning, covered in blood. A lot of people circle around him. Bouncers are all over Oliver, but then Jacob drags him away. Moments later, we all get out of there and jump in the car. Jacob peels away, and my heart pounds in my chest. Oliver is sitting next to me, his hands shaking. He's staring at his bloody knuckles. Jacob swears in the front seat, and I can't seem to snap out of what went on in the club.

"Jacob, please drop us home," I tell him. He nods to me in the front mirror. I manage to get Oliver upstairs before my mum can notice what kind of state he is in. I lock the door and Oliver sits on the floor, and I hand him a towel.

He looks at me with those large blue eyes and moments later, he starts sobbing. I move closer to him, wrapping my arms around his waist.

"Get it all out. Come on. It's only me," I whisper, knowing his grief has started and I have to comfort him. I'm here for him.

## Present

When I wake up next morning, my bed is empty. Oliver must have woken up early. When I check the clock, it's just after eleven. My head starts spinning when I think about the events from last night.

I hurry downstairs, searching for him. We have wasted so much time. He should be with his mother, as the funeral is tomorrow. Mum is at work and Josephine is in school. Other than that, the house is empty and it looks like Oliver went out when I was still sleeping.

I check my phone and calm a little.

Gone home. It's time to talk. Come up when you're ready. X

Oliver finally decided to face his mother and their uncomfortable past. It's a step ahead, but that doesn't mean it's all okay and his relationship with his mother is back on track. Within minutes, I take a shower and then change. Mrs. Morgan promised to keep my secret about Christian. I want to tell him through the letters. He needs to have some time to adjust to the truth before I face him.

Fifteen minutes later, I'm on my way to the Morgans' house, still worrying about last night. Bryan can easily press charges. I have no idea what kind of state he's in. I dread thinking what would happen if Oliver didn't stop. The police will be involved sooner or later.

I have to walk through town and say hello to a couple of people I knew from school. It seems it's been ages when I finally get there. After just one knock, Mrs. Morgan opens the door. Her eyes are red and it's obvious she has been crying.

"Hey, India, Oliver said you might be coming."

"Isn't he here?" I ask, confused.

"He was, but he left about five minutes ago. Our conversation heated up a little," she replies, nodding for me to come inside. "I couldn't believe it when I saw him. He's changed so much. He looks so much like Christian."

"I'm sorry about your husband, Mrs. Morgan," I say. "So how did it go? You know, your conversation with Oliver?"

Caroline's face doesn't show any emotions. She's probably more upset about her conversation with Oliver than her abusive ex-husband being dead. This should be normal if you've gone through years of abuse.

"I'm dealing with it. Although, his death came as a shock. Oliver hasn't been easy on me."

"God, I hate that he didn't wait for me. He kept saying he wanted me here," I say.

"He listened to me and I think it's a start, but we still have a long way to go. I asked him about you and I think I crossed the line. He stormed out of the house straight after that."

I sink back to my own thoughts. I haven't mentioned to his mother that we're together now. I'm not sure how she's going to react, knowing what her other son did to me.

"What do you mean... that you asked about me?"

She doesn't give me a straight answer. Instead, she looks away, taking long, deep breaths.

"Have you told him about what happened with Christian?"

My stomach twists in knots and those memories from that night rush back to me.

"No, I wanted him to rebuild what he had with you before I tell him. We—" I pause, hesitating, unsure if she will get why I'm trying to make this work with her other son. "We are trying to be together."

Caroline looks astonished for a long moment, probably trying to read me.

"You and Oliver?"

Okay, here we go.

"It was always Oliver, not Christian, but I was too scared to do anything. Christian overwhelmed me."

"Then I don't understand why you're holding back. If he finds out from someone else, he will feel betrayed."

"No one else knows, apart from you. I told Dora some things, but not everything," I say, feeling like I need air. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. Caroline doesn't get it. I need to wait for the right moment.

"I know my son. He was always so alienated, but now that you told me, I understand why he got upset when I asked about you. He wants to protect his love for you. You have to tell him."

"Please, don't tell me what to do. You should worry about setting your relationship with him on track, and I'll deal with this secret," I say more firmly. "I need to go. See you tomorrow at the funeral."

I don't let Caroline say more. I need to find Oliver and ask him how he feels about his mother now. I call him, but his phone goes straight to voicemail. I go and visit all the places he might be in, but by afternoon, I'm running out of options. Dora and Jacob have sworn to me they haven't seen him when I explain to them what's happened.

In the evening, he still doesn't show up so I ask Jacob to drive me around, but it looks like Oliver doesn't want to be found. In the end, I go to bed, assuming he needs some time alone. I would have known if he were arrested or in any kind of trouble. News in Gargle spreads fast. Mrs. Morgan would call me straightaway. I finally drift to sleep in the early hours of the morning.

Next day is Saturday. Mum, Josephine, Dora, and Jacob are downstairs. The funeral starts in an hour. Oliver will show up; I know he will. He probably needed some time alone to come to terms with everything that went wrong in his life.

"Ready?" asks Mum with a calm voice. The three of us nod in agreement.

The ride to the church is short. When we get inside, I search for Oliver, but he isn't here. My heart skips a beat, but I try not to show that I'm anxious. Oliver can't miss the funeral; he has to put that part of his life behind him. Mrs. Morgan asks me to sit with her. She doesn't have anyone else and Oliver isn't here yet. Minutes roll by, and I keep looking back at the entrance, but Oliver isn't there. Ten minutes later, it looks like everyone is in, and I keep looking behind, praying for him to arrive.

"I don't think he's going to show up," whispers Mrs. Morgan with a sad expression. I nod, fighting with tears. Oliver abandoned not only me, but also his family.

When the priest is just about to start, someone slides in the seat next to me.

"I'm glad you came," I say to Oliver, who shields his emotions. He takes my hand and then nods to his mother. He's wearing a suit and has shaved. I lost faith in him for a moment, but he's back. The ceremony starts, and I think maybe there's still hope for us. Oliver might be lost, but I'll help him find a way to my heart.

The rest of the day feels like a dream. Some distant relative to Mr. Morgan shares some tears, whereas Oliver and his mother stay immobile in grief. They remember that Mr. Morgan was the cause of their pain, yet they are coming to terms with his death. After an hour, everyone moves to Mrs. Morgan's home.

Oliver doesn't say anything to me, but later on in the evening, he takes me to his old bedroom upstairs. It looks like Mrs. Morgan hasn't touched anything. His old posters are still on the walls. All these emotions from our night together stir back within me unexpectedly.

"I think we should go back to Braxton now," he says as I run my fingers over the edge of his table, feeling calm despite knowing the whole nightmare with his brother started in the attic above us.

# Chapter Twenty-Eight

# Normality

## Present

"Oliver, where were you all day yesterday?" I ask, rubbing my sweaty hands over my black dress.

"I stayed with a mate. Don't worry, I didn't do anything stupid. I just needed some time to think."

I walk up to him and look at his face. He's doing everything he can to hide his emotions, like during all those times I hurt him, bullied him, and ruined him.

"I was worried. I thought you wanted me to be there... when you talked to your mother?"

"Yeah, I did, but then I thought I had to stop being weak and just talk to her alone."

"Did it work? I mean, she told me you managed to talk, but then you left," I ask. All of a sudden, Oliver seems so distant and I can't break through to him. It's like there is an invisible wall between us.

He exhales, not looking at me. "She blamed her hate on her mental problems and my father." He sighs. "I think it's all bullshit. She wasn't being completely honest with me. She couldn't hate me just because of her illness."

I look at him, startled, seeing the pain in his eyes is still raw and real.

"At least you made some small progress," I say and give him a smile. "But I don't think we should leave yet, not until you talk more."

"No, we're going. I can't be here knowing what you did with Bryan after his death. God, India. I thought you hated that guy."

I want to start shouting that it's not like that. Oliver doesn't understand. He's stepping into dangerous territory. We promised we wouldn't talk about the past. Now I feel like I have to break that promise and just go ahead and tell him the whole truth. Then my internal voice breaks through, telling me Oliver isn't ready. He's still angry with his mother and overwhelmed with his father's death.

"It just happened, all right? It's the past—remember, the forbidden subject," I tell him, leaning over to kiss him.

He stares at me for several more moments like he wants to know what I'm thinking. My heart is slowly breaking into pieces.

"You're right. Come on, let's get out of here."

"But what about—"

"Seriously, India, a few days is my limit. There will be another time when I'll try again with my mother. At the moment, I don't think I can take this."

"Are you going to tell her you're leaving? At least she deserves that."

"I already did yesterday. What about your mother?"

"She should be fine. It hasn't been long anyway, you know, since Christmas break," I explain, feeling I shouldn't let him leave yet. There is still so much we have to talk about. Oliver hasn't finished straightening up his affairs here, but I know I have to give him time.

## Present

Next day, I say my good-bye to Mum and Josephine and we leave Gargle. On the way back, Dora tells us that Bryan ended up with a couple bruises and scratches. She also heard that his mother went ballistic when she heard he was involved in a bar fight. Bryan's parents were always vigilant about their reputation, but I don't believe Oliver has escaped the consequences of that fight. Bryan might seek payback at the most unexpected moment.

I tried to talk to Oliver about this yesterday, but as usual, he just waved his hand and told me not to worry about it. He doesn't care about his reputation in Gargle.

"So do you think Oliver is going to be all right? You know, with the whole fight?" asks Dora once we walk back to our apartment.

Oliver and Jacob have their rugby practise so they were in a hurry to the stadium. He knows he can't play at least for another four weeks, but he's happy to sit on the bench and watch what's happening on the field.

"You know Bryan. Do you think he'll ever let it go?" I ask, shrugging my shoulders.

"Not sure. Maybe Oliver was lucky. Bryan's mother would do anything to avoid such a scandal."

"I guess so, but I'm still worried this might bite him back when he least expects it. Oliver lost his temper. He wanted to show Bryan that he isn't weak like he used to be."

Dora nods. She understands what I'm talking about, but I know Oliver beat up Bryan because of what he said. I hate he had to find out I slept with Bryan like that. We weren't even together then, but I feel like I owe him an explanation now.

That unusual feeling settles in my stomach later that night. Oliver isn't with me; he's catching up on his coursework, and I stare at the letters, wondering if I can wait any longer.

## Present

The next couple of weeks move way too quickly for me to comprehend what's going on with Oliver. He hasn't been staying at my place most days, ands he seems absent, lost in his own world. Our relationship hasn't moved anywhere. We still haven't brought up the past and my letters are hidden in the drawer. He says he is not affected by his father's death, but deep down he's going through emotional turmoil, like he's hiding his true self.

Days pass by and slowly Oliver comes back to me, emerging from what seems to be grief and pain. After an exhausting week at uni, he asks me to accompany him to the hospital for his checkup. Shortly after that, the doctor gives him a clear pass and Oliver can go back to his beloved rugby.

When he starts playing again, I notice a small change. He starts being more like his old self, before our short trip to Gargle. It's a slow process, but we are getting back on track.

He starts joking around and we go out more often. During one evening after my rowing training, we go out for coffee. Oliver hasn't talked about our trip to Gargle for a while, but today, for the first time, I can see he is in a good mood. Maybe he has finally forgotten about the past.

"Did you bring me here to have a serious conversation?" he asks, passing me a mug of mocha. I have been thinking about this talk about the past for a while, and I don't know if I'm ready, but I want to try.

"Yes, I feel like we haven't talked for ages. You know, after the funeral you were kind of distant," I say, smiling. "Don't you think we should talk about the past? I'm sure you have questions."

Oliver looks at me intensely. "No, India, I don't have any questions. What happened in the past doesn't matter. Today, now, it's about you and me," he says, taking my hand and staring into my eyes, melting the doubts I've had since we came back.

"I think you're taking a big gamble here. Our past is important. I hurt you, but you've still forgiven me. If you want to move on, you need to do the same with your mother."

Oliver frowns and takes a sip of his coffee.

"Our relationship has nothing to do with her. I want to take you out for dinner this weekend," he exclaims unexpectedly. "We went through a lot. Let's celebrate."

Butterflies wake up in my stomach and my mind starts functioning again.

"Why this weekend? If you have something to tell me, then you shouldn't wait." I tease him. My heart beats fast. We haven't had a chance to talk about what we have between us. I've wanted to tell him that I love him since that day he revealed that he broke up with Rhian, but I was scared it was all too fast.

"I want this to be special. We've waited long enough and we aren't teenagers anymore, India. I desperately want to make love to you," he whispers, leaning to kiss me deeply. My pulse starts racing and blissful joy embraces my heart.

Then we talk about everything and anything. For the first time, we're open about our expectations. An hour later, I'm back on campus, rushing to my next class.

When I finally get home, it's late. I had another late visit in the library, trying to finish my final assignment for criminal law. My apartment seems deserted and I'm not expecting anyone in, so when I see Oliver in the kitchen, my jaw drops. We both agreed to stay away from each other until our date night, so I'm surprised he hasn't stuck to that plan.

"Let me guess, you couldn't stay away?" I ask, amused at seeing him trying to make something in our kitchen.

"Well, I thought about it, and when Dora said she was going out with Jacob for a drink, I couldn't stand the fact that you were all alone today," he says as his eyes flash with mischief. "And I decided to show up without a formal invitation."

He approaches me and I feel like all of a sudden I'm not annoyed he's here. I'm glad we can spend the evening together.

Oliver wraps his palms around my waist, smiling, before he leans in and whispers, "I can't seem to get enough of you."

The heat from his touch is too much for me to bear, and I'm afraid he will say how he feels. I had this whole conversation planned out while I was in the library. My thoughts trail back to my drawer and those three letters I wanted to send. Panicking that he will finally say how he feels about me, I kiss him, hoping for a moment of distraction.

Our breath moves with the rhythm of our hearts, and Oliver takes the initiative, not surprised at all with my outburst of passion.

"Okay, fuck this weekend. I can't wait any longer," he growls, taking off my jacket. I laugh, unable to hold back how much I want him. He breaks the kiss and lifts me. "Bedroom!"

He bursts through the door and drops me down to the bed. The fire in his eyes blazes through my entire body. My mind starts racing, but I shut down the silly voices in my head, knowing we both have been holding back too long.

When his chest is bare, he takes my hand and lifts me to him. His gaze hovers over my body and tiny goose pimples shoot up over my arms. My heart rate picks up when he starts unbuttoning my sweater.

"So beautiful and only mine," he says, kissing me with so much passion that I'm melting away in his arms.

His hands move down, exploring my body.

We're on my bed again and he's on top of me, trailing kisses down my shoulder. I let go of a soft moan when he tastes my hardened nipples, sending shivers down between my legs.

It's not like I'm inexperienced and let him take control, but I'm savouring the moment, blocking all my memories from the past. Christian never touched me like that. He liked violence. He had to be in control, even though I was suffering.

Oliver slips my jeans off and when I lift myself, his head is between my legs. A wide, whacky grin breaks over his face and our eyes meet.

"Do you know how long I've imagined this?"

He doesn't let me respond, starting to massage my hot spot. The pulsing sensation between my legs keeps growing, and I cry out, forgetting he asked me a question. Soon his hand moves over the line of my panties and his fingers start making long circling motions.

Then the silence is broken by the shutting door, and we both hear voices that belong to Dora and Jacob.

"Just ignore them," I hiss, knowing this isn't happening for real. My best friend hasn't just ruined my first makeup sex with Oliver.

His blue eyes stay on my breasts. My cheeks are flushed and I desperately want him to touch me again.

"It looks like they're staying," mutters Oliver. He's right. I can hear the TV, and then before I can protest, he gets up and starts putting on his T-shirt. We leave the bedroom shorty after that, and Dora gives me a questionable smirk. Oliver looks pissed off with Jacob's change of plans, but we stay in, trying to dismiss the tension that only keeps growing between us.

# Chapter Twenty-Nine

# Fake It... Fake It Until You Make It

## Present

I run my fingers over the edges of the letters and take a deep, steady breath. I don't know if I'm ready to go through with this. I should feel relief that I can finally get rid of that secret, but the truth is I'm petrified.

Oliver might hate me for this. He might not get why it took me over two years to tell him the truth. He's making plans for Saturday night and our relationship has grown so much. I know he hasn't stopped loving me because I feel the same way. He's planning to tell me all this during dinner. The past is behind us and we're ready to move on.

I squeeze the letters tightly and shove them into my bag. Oliver should know the truth by Tuesday.

There is never a right moment to share your worst nightmare with the love of your life, but I can't keep this away from him any longer. He has truly forgiven now, and after he reads the letters, he should be able to forget about my cruelty.

The walk to the post office is short, but before I push the letters into the post box, I stand there wondering yet again if I'm ready for what's next. My mind starts racing, going through a number of different scenarios, but I don't want to keep doing this to myself. It's time to finally put that nightmare behind me. It's time to be happy, so I push the letters through the tiny space. Now there is no turning back.

I never imagined I would be doing this. After Oliver left Gargle, I could barley function. I felt like my life was over, and although that monster was dead, I didn't see the point of being alive. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror because every time, I remembered his wild eyes and that stick. It took me over a year to pull myself together, to have the desire to live again.

When I arrived in Braxton, I thought the past was behind me and I could just move on. It turns out we never know what kind of surprises life can unfold before us. I never expected to see Oliver again, but there he was, waiting for that moment since I turned my back on him.

When Saturday night rolls in, I feel like I can finally breathe. The heavy secret that has been around me for years is gone. Christian soon won't matter. Nothing stands between our happiness.

"So have you decided what you're going to wear?" asks Dora, leaning on the frame of my door, watching me carefully.

"My red dress, the one you like," I reply, finishing my eye shadow. She grins, knowing how special this dinner is for both of us. Jacob is staying in my apartment with Dora so we have Oliver's room to ourselves. If anyone would have told me a year ago that I would be this excited about sex with Oliver Morgan, I don't think I'd have believed it.

"So this is it? The end of the probation period for both of you?"

"Yeah, next... well, there won't be many secrets between us," I say, knowing I have to mention Christian at some point during dinner. Oliver should know I sent him letters.

"I'm assuming you're going to tell him about Christian?"

Dora can read me so well.

"Yes, I think it's time. I don't need to pretend anymore. We're together and even Christian won't tear us apart."

"It's nice to see you happy for a change."

"Yeah, it's odd. I'm always the one that keeps encouraging you."

Dora laughs and then tells me not to hold anything back and to enjoy the evening. I finish my makeup, put on my dress, and look at myself in the mirror. Tonight it's all about us, and that comfortable joy settles back in my stomach.

"You look hot!" announces Dora when I emerge from my room. Oliver is already in the living room. When his eyes rest on my body, I flush. He drinks me in for several more moments and all of a sudden, the desire builds up.

"Stunning, she looks stunning," says Oliver after the moment that feels like eternity.

"Did you make a reservation or are we playing lucky today?"

He frowns. "Yeah, of course I made a reservation, Indi," he adds, opening the door for me. I giggle as he sits next to me.

The restaurant Oliver has chosen is small but set in that quirky, old-school style. Besides, Dora told me earlier that Flamenco was one of the best and most expensive restaurants in Braxton.

"Table for two, reserved for Morgan," says Oliver to a very tall blond woman. It's nearly eight o'clock and this place looks packed, mainly with couples.

"Of course. Let me show you," says the waitress.

Our table is perfect, right by the window. Oliver thought about everything. Once we're sitting and the waiter takes our drink order, I can finally look at him without any uncertainties.

"You made an effort, so thank you. I wasn't expecting this to be so special." I chuckle. His blue eyes focus on me, and something flickers in them, but before I try to guess what he's thinking, it's long gone.

"I want everything to be perfect this evening," he says, reaching for my hand.

"It will be. This is kind of a new beginning for us." I laugh.

"You're right. I never thought it would come to this, especially after the funeral." He sighs.

I want to say I thought that too, because he had closed himself down on me and I couldn't reach him.

The waiter comes back and I pick my food. Everything looks so expensive, but tonight I'm not worrying, as it's all too perfect to be true.

We talk through dinner, enjoying each other's company. My mind spins out of control when Oliver keeps to his usual topics, like he wants to instantly avoid any awkward moments between us.

An hour passes and with the second glass of wine, I begin to feel even more relaxed and so happy. Oliver is slightly flushed, but he hardly touched any alcohol. His blue eyes scan the space. The alcohol gives me some encouragement to keep talking.

"It's an evening of closure, Oliver, so I guess we can't avoid talking about the past," I say, taking a more serious tone.

Oliver sits up, folding his arms together, like he's been waiting for this, for me to approach the subject we both wanted to avoid.

"I wasn't planning to bring this up. I know you probably couldn't quite deal with Christian's death. You felt guilty that we talked about us behind his back," he states with a slight tension in his voice, studying me carefully.

My thoughts trail back to that evening, but I dismiss the bad memories. It's clear that Oliver is trying to explain my behaviour, bring some reasoning to what I put him through.

"It wasn't just that," I tell him, my voice shaking a little. "Do you remember the party, that night when we were both supposed to talk to him?"

Oliver's eyes are difficult to read now, dark. He takes a sip of his wine.

"You don't even have to ask. I remember everything, although I didn't make it. After the funeral, I wanted to talk to you, to explain—" He pauses like he's afraid to say more. We both know I didn't let him explain back then why he didn't show up.

"It's all right. I get it. I was too caught up with myself, and I shut down."

"Yeah, and I kept watching you. I was trying to talk to you, but you kept pushing me away. I kept telling myself I could wait until you came around."

"I'm sorry. I know you already forgave me for what I did to you back in high school," I say with desperation in my voice. "Something happened at that party... I mean, something happened between Christian and me. I didn't see it coming."

His face goes pale, but he doesn't interrupt. Instead, he encourages me to continue.

"You will get my letters soon. Then you'll get it. I don't want to ruin this evening. You have forgiven me, and that's the most important, right?"

Long silence stretches between us and he looks like he wants to ask me about the letters, but he doesn't.

"My mother is fond of you. She always has been. She said something that stuck with me," he says unexpectedly, looking away, but his expression doesn't change.

"Let me guess... We look good together?"

He shakes his head. "No, she said you and Christian were different, but he was possessive. He didn't want to let go of you."

"What has that to do with us?"

"Then she said you couldn't let go of him because of the night at the party, but you slowly are. Now it's my turn. She said it's my responsibility to make you happy."

I laugh, feeling slightly overwhelmed with the news. The tiny voice in my head tells me I should carry on talking, reveal that Christian never made me happy. It was always Oliver. I have to tell him about the rape and Christian's abuse. Instead, I say something completely different.

"I love you. I've always loved you. Since the moment I saw you at school with Christian. My love never faded. I hoped that one day you would understand what I did and you would forgive me," I say, feeling peaceful and lost in those blue eyes. I finally let go of my demons. "I don't care about what you did when I first came to Braxton. You were angry and I get it. It was the same for me after the funeral."

Oliver looks at me. He is hiding his emotions like he used to when I put him through the months of abuse. He leans towards me, his eyes shimmering in the dim light, and takes my palms. The silence stretches between us for a minute, and I wait for him to say he loves me too. There is nothing else that can keep us apart.

"I love you too," he says, smiling. Then he grabs his glass of wine and drinks straight through, never cutting eye contact. My heart falters in my chest. "India, oh, India, don't you think this is a bit absurd?"

"What do you mean?" I ask, laughing.

"I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you, but this whole love thing is a bit silly. I don't actually love you. I invited you here tonight to break up with you."

I stare at him blankly and burst out laughing. Oliver likes joking. He can't possibly believe he can prank me like this.

"Come on, stop it. I know I deserve it, but—"

Then something else, or rather someone else, catches my eye. The guy a few tables away from us holds a mobile phone. He looks like he's taking my picture. I move my eyes to his face and then I recognise him. It's Oliver's teammate, the same one he shoved against the wall after our cinema date.

I turn to look at Oliver, who isn't smiling anymore, and all of a sudden it hits me. He is perfectly serious. He has been planning this dinner for a long time. I gave him my soul and tonight I was planning to give him my body, and now he just threw my love for him back in my face.

Oliver's eyes narrow and I feel someone next to me. It's that guy, his mate, still holding a mobile phone. He is recording my misery.

"Smile, you're on video."

I look back at Oliver, who seems to be annoyed and shocked seeing his mate in front of me.

"Oliver, this is not you. I thought—"

"What? That I couldn't get away with this? No, India, it's not that simple."

I stare blankly, feeling like I'm being swept away by the terror of a storm.

"You couldn't have thought I could actually go out with you. And I'm going to share another little secret with you. I've just won another bet. Getting you to like me again. It worked, didn't it?"

I get up and push away the guy with the mobile phone, swallowing back my tears.

Grief, shock, and terror break over me, and suddenly I think I'm going to faint.

I don't care that people stare at me in the restaurant, because at this moment, Oliver is dead to me. Dizziness heats me like warm, sticky air in the summer, and I hurry away and storm out of the restaurant.

Oliver has just proven to me that he was never planning to forgive me. He was playing with me all this time. I feel like he ripped my heart out of my chest and tossed it across the ground. Then I remember the video.

His mate was recording our whole conversation. I hurry to a taxi, feeling empty. That hollow feeling stays in my chest; grief slowly consumes me.

Then I remember Russell's words: "You will thank me for this one day."

God, did he know all this time what Oliver was doing? Maybe he only suspected it. What about Dora and Jacob?

Then another wall hits me.

"The letters," I whisper to myself. Oliver will get my letters.

I jump into the taxi and tell the driver to just drive. I can't hold my tears any longer. He broke me, leading me to believe our love was real.

No one could be that cruel, but now he showed me that he never got over the pain and humiliation I caused.

As I stare out the window, the pain doesn't go away. It increases with every heartbeat, with every breath I take.

I expect this video to be online soon. Then people will share it, and I probably can never show my face in Braxton again.

I should have never listened to my instincts. I remember his words now. I was in control once, but now he got the payback.

Now I understand that my past and Oliver are over. My secret doesn't matter anymore because Oliver destroyed our love. We had that one chance, but he ruined it.

I'm on my own. My heart doesn't belong to me, and it's time to bury Oliver away because I never, ever want to look at him again.

" _All about me" (Love & Hate series #2) is now available_

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Other books by Joanna Mazurkiewicz

Beautiful Pain (Contemporary romance)

When the Clock Strikes (Paranormal Personnel Saga #0.5)

£6.19 per Witching hour (Paranormal Personnel Saga #1)

Past the Witching hour (Paranormal Personnel Saga #2)

Half Past the Witching Hour (Paranormal Personnel Saga #3)

Quarter to the Witching Hour (Paranormal Personnel Saga #4)

The Whispers of the Sprite (The Whispers Series #1) (Currently free)

The Dark Night Whispers (The Whispers Series #2)

Her Secret Whispers (The Whispers Series #3)

My Last Whispers (The Whispers Series #4)

The Whispers Series, book 1,2,3

All about you ( Love & Hate Series #1)

All about me (Love & Hate Series #2)

Illicit Canvas

