If you're thinking about
killing yourself, wait.
The Earth might do it for you.
Man:
Species are vanishing
at roughly 100 times
the normal rate.
In all of Earth's history,
there have only been five
mass extinction events,
one of which
killed the dinosaurs.
Now biologists say we are
on the verge of the sixth.
The sixth mass extinction event
is about to happen!
I don't know much
about the other ones.
I assume it's like the
"Fast and Furious" franchise.
If you don't catch
the first five,
you still know what's going on.
And in the last one,
Vin Diesel fights a comet
whilst riding a T-Rex.
Many species
are already suffering,
and, as usual,
it's humans' fault.
Man:
Researchers aren't sure
what's making birds
so vulnerable
but point to humans,
potential reasons including the
destruction of natural habitat
and use of toxic pesticides.
Woman: Since 1970,
nearly a third of birds
in the U.S. and Canada
have disappeared
from most biomes.
That's almost 3 billion birds.
Three billion birds?!
How many have we got left?!
It just seems like
there's plenty out there.
Like, I've never been anywhere
and thought,
"You know what this place
could use? More birds."
[ Laughter ]
The strippers have to watch out
for the eagle.
He gets a little bit wingsy.
[ Laughter ]
The signs of extinction
are everywhere.
Man: The term is called
colony collapse disorder.
Suddenly hives are dying.
We lost 43% of bee colonies
over the last year.
That's important 'cause
honeybees are a key
part of agriculture.
So not only are we
losing the birds,
but we're also losing
the bees, too!
Without them around,
now when parents want to have
the "birds and the bees"
conversation,
they're just gonna have to
[bleep] in front of their kids.
[ Laughter ]
Even if humans survived,
these extinction events
means we wouldn't have anything
left to eat.
The number of different species
that are providing our crops
has plunged dramatically.
Our food system isn't
necessarily going to be able
to cope in the future with
the damage being done to it.
You know what they say --
give a man a fish,
and he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish,
and he'll drain the oceans,
bleach the coral reef,
and bring the extinction
of the human race.
[ Laughter ]
And it's not just that humans
are causing these changes.
In our efforts to help,
we are throwing money
at the wrong things.
Woman:
Pandas, by comparison,
don't affect
many other life forms,
so saving them saves the pandas
but not much else.
Yet it's the cuddly pandas
who qualify as a poster species
for conservation organizations.
Of the close to 20,000
endangered animal species,
only 80 get the lion's share
of the already scarce funding.
Yeah, pandas are
a bunch of [bleep].
[ Laughter ]
Pandas are using up resources,
and it's pretty clear they
don't even want to be alive!
Their bodies
can't digest their diet,
they barely survive in the wild.
And they [bleep] so rarely
that they literally forget how!
Things are so bad
that panda breeders
have now started
showing them panda porn
so they can emulate the process.
Although I don't see
how that's gonna help.
If you showed me porn of someone
who looks exactly like me
[bleep] someone else
who looks exactly like me,
I'd be too busy masturbating
to get anyone pregnant.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
Hold on.
Can we just hold for a second?
This erection's
gonna take a while.
[ Laughter ]
Personally, I'm not interested
in some long, drawn-out
extinction event
where we slowly
all starve to death.
Give me a meteorite, man.
That's what we need, man.
Just a meteorite.
That's how I wanna go.
I think humans
should all die at once.
Like, we spot, like, some comet
or some other sky thing, right?
And it's falling, and we're told
we've only got like 48 hours'
notice before the end.
How would you spend your time?
I'd spend me last minutes
on Earth
telling everyone
what I [bleep] think of them!
And then I'd walk right up to a
bull's-eye of a Skee-Ball lane
and just throw
all the balls in at once
and see what happens.
And then I'd probably
get mad at meself and go,
"I should have thrown it in
the 100 thing in the corner,
but what are you gonna do?"
And then I'd make sure
I die in a tar pit
so future generations can see
my skeleton in their museums.
And I'd hold a bone
in front of me crotch
so future species would think
that's what me dick looks like.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
The only downside would be
if somehow the government
managed to knock the meteor
out of the sky,
then we'd all wake up
on extinction day
and realize we had been saved.
And then you'd have to roll over
to your step-sister and go...
"Let's never
speak of this again.
But seeing
we've already done it,
let's [bleep] one more time."
[ Laughter ]
