I was watching a Stand up Comedy video on
youtube recently
And then I saw a comment on the video
By a handle named @feminist_boy_manoj
And 
the comment read
“What is this habit of Stand Up Comedians
using abusive words to get laughter?
Act responsible guys. Remember,
women are also watching these
videos”
And I also saw a reply to the comment
By a handle named @lalitha_19111954
And the reply read “Chup Kar Madarchod”
Best thing I have seen on the internet so far
Also I perform in English, I don’t perform
in Hindi
Because I am not a Star Plus kind of a guy
I am more of a Sun TV kind of a guy
That's what I am
(One guy continues laughing thinking about Suryavamsam movie)
Do you watch it a lot sir?
I come from this small town in Tamil Nadu
Called ‘Chenna’i, if you guys know about it
That’s the problem, whenever I come out of Chennai
A lot of people think I am a moron
So I always tell them, “No. I am an oxymoron”
Because I am a Tamilian who can speak Hindi
But when I say I know Hindi, I know Hindi
better than most Tamilians do
So I am the kind of guy who goes into a Punjabi
Dhaba
And says “Agali order, Chaar roti chahiye”
Mostly in Amitabh Bhachan’s tone
Because Kaun Banega Crorepati is the only
Hindi show I ever watched in my life
When I need six rotis, I can be
“Bhaiya, che roti chahiye”
My problem really is when I need twelve rotis
Because that is when I have to say
“Bhaiyaaa… Ek dho roti chahiye”
(Audience laughing longer than he expected)
Okay relax
(Audience laughing more)
See, you cannot blame me because
That is how the railway station ladies taught
me Hindi
For some reason it is always
“Agali gaadi number Dho-Shoonya-Ek-Chaar aa gaya hai”
That too with an orgasm every time she says it.
(Doing poor orgasmic impression of the same numbers)
Why can’t they just fucking call it “Dho
hazaar….”
Whatever.
You Hindi speaking people in the house
Have you ever used the word ‘Shoonya’
in any of your day to day conversations?
No right? It is not just with Hindi
Even when a Tamilian says his phone number
in Tamil
It is always like ‘Onbadhu-Ezhu-Ettu-ZERO-naalu-moonu-ZERO’
Just because we Indian invented zero
it 
 become an official word in every damn Indian
language
The funniest thing is, for a very long time
I thought the phrase ‘Ugly gaadi’ meant
the train is going to be very dirty
Which is apparently always true right?
I thought it was a disclaimer from the Railways
department
Saying “Our trains are f**king ugly, please
don’t enter it”
Hindi is one language which always embarrasses
me man.
I used to work for this company called Amazon
And before you guys get any judgemental
I used to work as a Software Engineer there.
I have to tell this because the last time
I told a lady I work for Amazon
She was like “Ooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!”
“Which area do you take care of?”
Happens when you look like a real estate agent.
I used to go to office in my office cab regularly
And one fine day a pretty North Indian lady
was sitting next to me
And like an ass, I wanted to impress her with
my Hindi
So I spoke to the cab waala saying
“Bhaiya seedha chalthe, signal ke aage,
left se rukho”
And for some reason she smiled at me and said
“No language would help you bro, just shut up!”
It is not like I don’t try to learn the
language of Hindi
That is why most of the times I go to my Hindi
speaking colleagues
And try to create small talks with them
Like asking them “Kya bhai, Kaisa hey aap”
But as a Tamilian I expect them to understand me
and come up with simple replies
Like “Acha hai”
“Bahuth acha hai”
Or if they are not so happy, they can say
“Acha nahi hai”
But that is when this guy wants to mess up
with me
Comes up with big ass dialogues like
“Ek gaav mein ek kisaan rakuthatha ki, Kabhi
Kushi kabhi gam khi, Saala kaadoos ki,
Ache din aane waale hai”
And then I have to go “Acha hai”
And then I just walk away
(But most times, deep inside I am like ‘Ommaley’)
Not even staying there.
With this level of Hindi I had the audacity
to Gurgaon.
I was hungry, I went to this food centre called
Haldirams
It was a self service counter, so I got my
food coupon
And then I gave my token to the food counter
And I was waiting for my turn to be called
And then I realised that these guys were shouting out token numbers in Hindi
And my token number was ‘Eight hundred and Eighty eight’
Immediately I was like “I am going to starve tonight. Let me be ready”
But I didn’t want to give up. So I took
out my google translator
And typed ‘888’ in numbers, and then I
said “Translate to Hindi”
And google said ‘888’(in numbers).
I was like “Google is stupid man”
So I tried to be specific
I typed “Eight hundred and eighty eight”
in English
And translated it and google said ‘Aat sau
assi aat’
For the next five minutes, my goal was to
remember it
So I started reciting “Aat sau assi aat,Aat
sau assi aat, Aat sau assi aat”
The guys was like “Aat sau pachpan”
I was like “NO. Aat sau assi aat,Aat sau
assi aat, Aat sau…”
The guy was like “Aat sau Athiban”
I was like “NO. Aat sau assi aat,Aat sau
assi aat, Aat sau…”
Athiban is not a number, it is just my friend’s
name
Five minutes later my turn came out and the
guy shouted
“Token number Aat-aat-aat”
These railway station ladies man, I hate them!
I like talking about languages
Because language is one thing that unites us
at the same time divides us.
I know this because I am a Tamilian who lives in Bangalore
And my roommate in Bangalore is a Kannadiga,
from Karnataka
Sometimes he tells me
“Navin, you are in Karnataka, you should
learn Kannada”
Which I completely empathise with
That is why I always tell him
“Dude, I will definitely learn Kannada,
once I am done with Java and Python”
Because if I am not going to learn Java and
Python
I am not going to be in the Silicon Valley
of India to learn Kannada in the first place right?
But this is why I like South Indian metropolitan cities in general
Because people from different parts of the country come and live here
Be it Bombay or Bangalore
Sometimes even people from outside the country
live here
I think that is why there are very less road
rages in these cities
Because most of the time if you have to fight
with another person on the streets
The common language is English
And we Indians are good at a lot of things
Fighting in English is not one among them
That is why the maximum quarrel you can see
in English is
One guy saying “Fuck you”
And another guy saying
“You fuck you”
And then both of them fuck off
That is the end of the quarrel, nobody gets hurt
I have been in fights, I have never been like
“Hey, I am going to kill you, carve your
chest up with a knife, use your skin as furniture
covers, make a necklace out of both of your
ears and screw your skull through one your eyeballs”
Thanks for laughing at that man
It took me three weeks to by heart that one
dialogue
Had to download the script of Django Unchained
Sometimes even NRIs who come back from
UK and western countries
Even they can’t fight in English
Firstly I don’t know why they have this
American dream, a lot of people go to the
US
Because I recently went to the US to realise
that there is not much difference between
India and these western countries
Except this one thing called the usage of
toilet paper
And when I went there I had no difficulty
on how to use a toilet paper.
Thanks to all the YouTube videos I watched
That’s how you learn things in the internet era, I am sorry
But once I was done with all the basic etiquettes
My real confusion was whether to throw the
used paper
Into the dustbin or into the toilet commode
Because think about it, traditionally in India
all the waste paper goes to the dustbin
And all the shit goes to the toilet commode
And this thing in my hand is a very weird
combination
That is why most of the times I was there
I just dropped it on the floor and just ran
away
I was just clever I didn’t use the same
loo twice on the same day
I also met a friend there, a school friend of mine
who has been living there for three
years
And he consistently had this fake accent,
like how people have it
At one point I got really annoyed
So I slapped him and said, “Dude, Talk properly”
And he shouted, “OMG! Did you just slap
me?”
And that is when I realised he was desperately
trying to be an American
Because only Americans can do that shit
Getting slapped by a person and asking the
same person
“Did you just slap me?”
Any Indians response to a slap is a slap back
or a swear word
But this guys response was a rhetorical question
I became angry, I slapped him again
And this time he started sounding like an
African dude
“Yo man, please don’t hit me like that!”(In
poor African accent)
So I slapped him again
And then he started sounding like a Sheikh
from Saudi Arabia
And that is when I realised that with every slap
This guy is actually coming back to his home country
One slap at a time
The last time I slapped him so hard
He became so Indian that he started chasing
me shouting “Lavadekebal”
And then I had to run for my life
But I was talking about road rages
Because I recently got into a road rage in
Bangalore
I was on my bike and I dashed into this car
And I immediately realised it was my mistake
So I was ready to apologise to this guy
So I came out my bike
And this guy came out of his car
The problem is even before starting to listen
to me
He started shouting at me in Hindi
And I was like “If you are going to shout
at me in your mother tongue
I am going to shout at you in my mother tongue”
And I started shouting at him in Tamil
Which went on for the next two minutes
After which both of us realised
This is not helping either of us
Why are we even doing this?
He also probably realised it
So he was like, “Dude, can we fight in English?
Because I don’t know Kannada”
I understand
The South Indian in me got furious
I wanted to tell him “Dude this is not Kannada,
this is Tamil
These are very different South Indian languages”
But the Bangalorean in me told him something
That I always wanted to tell people in Bangalore
So I looked at his straight into his eyes
I told him, “This is Karnataka, you should
learn Kannada”
He was like “Sure, Thank you man and got
into the car”
Alright guys, that’s been my time, you guys
have been a fantastic audience. Thanks for listening!
