 - So hello, my name
 is Lyric Lewis,
 and tonight we are discussing
 the other queen of Egypt.
Oh yes, the queen that
was scheming, thieving,
thriving and surviving
off of stealing her way
 from the bottom to the what?
 To the top.
  The other queen of Egypt.
 So our story begins in 51 B.C.
 We're in Alexandria,
 the capital of Egypt
 and Cleopatra has
 just turned eighteen.
 She's like, "Cleopatra
 is coming at ya".
 She's fresh, she's
 young, she's supple.
She's like, "I'm looking
fabulous and fly".
 And she marries her
 brother Ptolemy.
 - I'm sorry, marries?
 - [Lyric] Yes, it
 wasn't weird for them.
 They were like, "we gonna
 be blood on blood on blood,
 stacks on stacks on stacks,
chicken racks on
racks on racks".
(laughs)
So, now she's the queen,
but their little sister Arsinoe,
  she's like super
  butthurt about it.
 She's like, "yo, I know
 that I'm eleven, but really,
 I can't be
 mother(beep)ing queen?
Nobody asked me if
y'all could get married.
 So boo to that, boo to that".
She's a sneaky, thieving
ass, thriving tween.
  And she had a eunuch that
  was just like her homeboy.
 Ganymedes was in the
 shadows at all times.
Like, you would only see
a sliver of his face,
 come out the corner.
 And he be like, "dogs,
 that's what we do in Egypt".
- [Derek] Dogs.
- [Lyric] Dogs.
 So now, at this point,
 Julius Caesar is kicking ass,
  taking (beep)ing names all
  over the Mediterranean.
 Like, Julius Caesar's
 like, "what's poppin'?
 "Ah (beep) it, they
 can get over it".
Cleopatra's in to that.
 Like, she's like,
 "I'm feeling this".
  And so she's like, "hey
  Ptolemy, husband, brother,
  we should, like,
  link up with Rome.
 Hardcore, parkour".
Like, Cleopatra's like,
  "yo, we should (beep) with
  Rome, hard as (beep)".
  She's like, "Rome
  is (beep)-able".
 Ptolemy is like, "I'm
 not feeling this.
  We're not gonna
  link up with Rome.
  That's it, boom, roasted".
  Cleopatra is like,
  very upset, right?
 But Arsinoe is here hustling
 all throughout the castle.
  She goes to her
  brother, Ptolemy.
  She's like, "Yo, I know
  I'm eleven, but peep this,
 I'm not (beep)ing with
 Julius Caesar either.
 I don't think Egypt
 should link up.
Matter of fact, you
should check your wife,
 Because she's trying, like,
 she not even listening
 to you dude".
 She's like, "you the husband
 and she not listening, right?"
 So Ptolomy goes to Cleopatra,
 and he's like, "yo,
 Arsinoe came to me,
  "told me she not
  (beep)ing with it,
She put some wisdom in my head,
so maybe I shouldn't (beep)
with it so we not gonna do it".
 "And, not only that, I'm gonna
 banish you from Alexandria".
 So Cleopatra's like
 "Excuse me, like,
  you gon' come for
  my, like, what?"
So Cleopatra now is pissed that
Arsinoe came for her throne.
 She is set on getting
 revenge on her little sister.
So hmm.
  - Cheers.
  - So Cleopatra's banished.
So Arsinoe's like "I'm cute
now bitch, I'm queen of Egypt".
  It just so happens
  at the same time,
  Julius Caesar happens to
  make a trip to Alexandria.
And he was like
"what's poppin' Egypt?"
 So Cleopatra said to
 herself, she was like "self,
 I can either arrange a
 regular meeting with this man
  or I can get him
  the Egyptian way".
  So she crept in his room
  in the middle of the night
  and gives him the Egyptian
  business right there
 in that hotel room.
 - Now that's a pyramid scheme.
 - She was like "oh, you gonna
 be reading from the book
  of the dead after this
  'cause you gonna be what?
Dead and gone".
  - (beep) like an Egyptian.
- He was like "well this is
some new shit", like he was like
  "Girl, what is you
  doin' to my body?"
  She's like "just some
  Egyptian shit, don't worry
'bout none of that,
that's what's happening
 to your whole body right now".
 Right, he like fell for her
 after that one (beep)ing night
  and so Cleopatra was
  like "I know we just met,
 and I give you the business
 immediately, my bad.
 However my brother, Ptolemy,
 banished me because why?
  Because I wanted
  to (beep) with you
 and I need help to
 get my throne back".
 And Caesar was like
 "say no more girl,
  you put that Egyptian ass
  on me, it's a done deal.
Let's go invade some shit, yes?"
  And she's like "yes bitch,
  go get my throne back".
So Julius Caesar invades
Alexandria right,
like it's like a whole
bunch of Romans and shit
and Ptolemy is captured
as a political prisoner.
But then Arsinoe
narrowly escapes
 the palace with her eunuch.
Ganymedes goes "yo,
they invades the castle,
 let's do this bitch".
 So they escape from
 Alexandria right?
 They go to the
 rebel Egyptian army
 and the leader of
 that army is Achillas.
By the way, also Achillas to me,
 just sounds succulent,
 you know what I mean?
  He sounds like a succulent
  man, but I'll continue.
 - Doesn't need water?
  (laughter)
 - Shit, sure.
 But anyways Achillas,
 he's like "damn,
  that's a little ass girl".
 And she's like "hey, I
 might be 11 and a half
 or 12 years old but
 I'm (beep)ing fierce.
We need to re-invade
Alexandria, take back my throne
because yo, I'm the true
queen of Egypt, okay,
 my sister's not the
 (beep)ing queen.
 She's just some
 bitch on the throne".
 Achillas is like "no bitch,
 we don't know you like that
first of all, second of
all you're mad young".
 He's like "you're
 11.5 or 12 years old".
 He goes "we not here
 for this mother(beep)
  like, good night".
So then this little
shit, Arsinoe I told you
was off the chain 'cause
she's like "oh no?
 Oh no, you not gonna
 (beep) with me?"
So then Arsinoe turns to
Ganymedes and goes "yo,
 (beep)ing kill this
 little (beep)".
 And he did.
  Then he killed him in some
  great Egyptian fashion
 and he assassinates
 him in cold blood.
 It's crazy.
Ganymedes goes "yo, she
told me to kill him,
 I killed him, don't
 worry about it".
 And Ganymedes says to all of
 us "don't worry about it".
Don't ask him 'bout it.
 So he be gone.
 And he's dead.
 So then, I forget her name.
 I remembered it
 the past two hours.
  - Arsinoe?
 - I've never done this in the
 story, I'm very embarrassed.
  (laughter)
 High five, that's right, pew.
  Arsinoe takes the army and
  goes back to Alexandria
  and she's like "I'mma take
  this (beep)ing shit over".
  And Julius Caesar's like
  "bitch, no you not bitch".
 She's like "yes I am bitch".
 So she forced him to flee,
 she runs into the light tower,
 the pharaoh's, where she's
 the 7th wonder of the world.
 And so Caesar's pissed at
 this point because he's like
 "I'm (beep)ing Julius Caesar".
 Like he's like, "I
 conquered the Mediterranean
 and this girl is about
 to like run me, what?
 What is this, she's
 11 and a half or 12!"
 He's mad, like he's surrounded
 by the army and the sea.
 He has literally no way out.
 So he's like "(beep) either
 I'm gonna go out there
 and get killed as (beep) or
 I'm gonna jump out this window
 and be drowned as (fuck) and
 hopefully swim and live".
 He sheds himself of his
 armor and his purple cloak.
  Purple cloak is
  iconic in Greece.
 People know that
 it's Julius Caesar.
And he jumps and
splashes into the water.
 Arsinoe comes up, takes his
 cloak and like waves his cloak
 as like a victory flag
 going "yes bitch".
Caesar finds the boat
that is waiting for him
  and is like "damn,
  she's very buck,
 she nucks if she
 bucks all the time".
  So then Ptolemy meets
  with Caesar and he's like
 "I'll make a deal with you,
 my little sister's wiling out.
 She's very ratchet.
I will give you her if
you give me my freedom".
  Caesar's like "all right,
  dude, I'll take it".
 With a sneaky look
 on his face, right?
So then Ptolemy goes to
Arsinoe and he's like
  "hey girl, hey" and she's
  like "Ptolemy like, yo".
And then Caesar is like "aaaah!"
 Arsinoe is captured, right,
and Caesar's like "Sike,
Romans, kill him".
  So he's like "oh, this
  mother(beep)er right here.
 What a bad friend".
Then he runs to the Nile
river and he drowns,
  so he dies anyway.
  - Anyway.
  (laughter)
 - So then Caesar has Arsinoe.
He's so (beep)ing happy
because she has embarrassed him
 and that's how fragile
 his male ego was.
 Cleopatra's mad but
 she's like "yo".
 She's like "yo"
 like she's like "yo,
 take her little ass
 to Rome, I'm done".
So Caesar tries to bring Arsinoe
through Rome and the colosseum.
His plan is to
(beep)ing strangle her.
And Rome is like "we're
not (beep)ing with you
  (beep)ing with
  this little girl".
  And Caesar's like "I
  wanna strangle the (beep)
 out of her in the
 middle of the street".
  Everybody in the
  colosseum was like
 "you're wack, you're wack".
 So then Caesar is like fine,
 just get the (beep)
 out of my face".
 So Caesar being embarrassed,
he sends her to Artemis' temple.
 So her life as a priestess.
 So we fast forward to 41 B.C.
 and Cleopatra's still mad.
  She thinks that her sister
  will get revenge on her
 so Cleopatra sends assassins
 and she's like "yo,
go kill my little
sister that is like 21".
 And the assassins come
 and they strangle
 Arsinoe and she dies.
 - Wow.
- Yeah.
This girl was 11 and
overthrew Julius Caesar.
 At 11 she outsmarted
 Julius Caesar.
 I think that's fascinating.
  Moral of the story, don't
  sleep on your siblings.
 - Does that mean don't
 (beep) your brother?
 - And that too, don't
 (beep) your brother either.
That should be a given.
- It should be.
 - Oh my god!
  (laughter)
