(with beat of music) I like to test things,
It's my favorite thing to do,
Also it's my job
So I don't know what to
Say to you.
I don't think
I need to justify
Anything that I do
Between my thighs?
Dont look at me that way
I am a man of
Principles!
Don't you think I have a large
Collection of
Awards from many different
Organizations...? (trails off)
*Quietly* Fuck
Hello, welcome back to Mr. Massagy
My eternal lesson in to tell you how not to behave not only around girls but any human being
And just generally not be me
Cool? Great, I'mma do that intro again because that sucked
You okay with that?
I'll be right back
Hello everybody my name is Markiplier and this is the- definitely the first time
that I've said this- I'm still going with this one
So welcome to Mr. Massagy
Now I'm gonna tell you exactly how to not do the thing where you talk to people
and interact with humans because obviously I'm not an expert on that
But I've got four people or animals, apparently it doesn't matter
But I've got four people on this website that I need to... meet? Date?
I don't know what you'd call it but I- I need to get to know them
And I think Anne...
I think Anne
"I see living people," Okay, so does that just mean that as long as I'm alive
You're okay with it?
Okay, I'm...
*Masculine Noises*
I'm just gonna go with "I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I need a hug"
Can you give me a hug?
Hey, it's a match! I guess it really doesn't matter
It's about what's inside
And so long as inside is a beating heart
Literally no other qualifications apply
"95% of phone users text things they could never say in person. The other 5% are psychopaths."
Okay, that's weird
*reading*
OHh, it's a ghost!
Is it a- Oh- hey hey, how you doing?
*reading*
Oh, okay, alright.
*reading*
Hey, you don't need to explain 'kawoosh' to me,
I kawoosh alone at home every night
(o_O)
Anyway
*reading*
Hey, it's good! It's all good!
Hey that chill down my spine? That's love, baby.
And I'm feelin' it strong and hot and heavy.
You wanna go...?
I don't know what we can do, but 
you wanna go do that thing where we
(giggles) explode ectoplasm all over each other?
'Cause that's kinda - that's kinda nice.
*reads last option*
Oh, oh heck yeah. I forgot my Massagy massooouger.
*reading*
Hey! If there's one thing 
that people talk about Markiplier
it's... they talk about my head a lot.
'Cause it's gigantic.
*reading text*
*laughs while reading*
You can possess stuff?
*reading*
Hah! Totally do!
If there's one thing that Markiplier knows about
it's lying.
(￢_￢)
(reading)
Can you fly?!
(reading)
Can ghosts strip? Ugh uhhh ahahha pertinent.
WANNA FEEL MY PECS?
oohhhhhhh nooooo
DAMMIT!
(reading)
Well, I knew that wasn't gonna be good
But I just-
Alright I''m READY FOR LOVEEEE
Are you ready for love?
I'm - I'm ready. I'mreadyI'mreadyI'mreadyI'mready.
da ja ooohohoh yeah
Never judge. Uh-
I know what you mean. ohohohoohhh yeah
*reading*
Hey, wait a minute...
I've been my way around Linger a few times
and I don't think I'd consider myself a doofus
Don't mind me as I hold a controller to my neck
(Reading)
Uhhhh...
How can you touch stuff?
*reading Anne's dialogue*
Can ghosts strip?
Can they?
*reading Anne's dialogue*
Sorry, I just really want to get to know you!
*reiterates* I just want to get to know you!
*reading Anne's dialogue*
Excuse me, I need to put this under my pit
Because...
I'm weird
*Reading*
Hey, yeah! You and me! You and me talking! That's cool.
Hey, if I ever got to meet a ghost, I'd want to talk to it
*reading Anne's dialogue*
Hoh, that's dark.
*reading Anne's dialogue*
He He ha.. Go Oooon...?
(Reading)
Oh HELL no baby, no car 
can stand up to the Markimoo baby!
I mean, cars don't stand... Ah fuck..
*reads*
*giggles*
I'm gonna go with that one...
Because "I'll only get run over by your love baby..."
Nah, that seems weird..
Ooh, yea that's good pit massage
*reading*
That's a little sudden..
OK, you're talking about 
some ethereal eternal marriage here,
And I don't know if I'm ready for that... I'm on Linger
Just to you know,
Get to know people, and, a-a-and meet interesting new people,
I don't know if I'm, I don't know if I'm ready for a commitment like death.
*reading*
Woah
I did it "me wanker"!
Alright, oh, also you guys wanted to know,
A little bit of the uh, Relaxation therapy that's going on.
here, so
*Controller giving furious massage that sounds mysteriously like a jackhammer*
(Interrupts) Don't know if that-
sounds good.
You guys gettin any of that?
*furious massage/controller vibration sounds that sound mysteriously like a construction site*
I think you're gettin it!
You feeling that?!
Am I interrupting your massaaaage with my voice? (Yes)
Just tell me if the screaming is booothering ya? (How?)
I'll stop, but only when you tell me to!
Urggggh.. Alright, I'm gonna sto - I'm gonna put an end to this...
Cause this is.. this is god damned terrifying..
Alright, well...
That worked out..
So now... there's only three to go!
I got that on the first try!
What're you talking about me failing?
That never happens.. I get things on the first try!
Alright, Poup-Eyeeee, Poupu-Aiii
Hey there, I'm just using Linger.
*nods*
So am I..
ITS A MATCH!!
Hey, come on popu-eiuu- I wanna get to know you
I wanna get to know you as a person!
*reads fact*
Is that true?
French...people? Is that true?
Alright...
Oh.
Oh.
*giggles*
*Laughs*
*laughs harder*
I didn't...
I didn't know if this was real...
*reads first option*
*laughter*
*reads while laughing*
*reads and laughs*
Ooh...
*reading*
Ahem!
Oh, boy! *reads third option*
How do you sleep?
Do you sleep and just smash your face
into the bed?
That's weird...!
Alright... Hi Papooai, My name is Markiplier.
Nice to meet you!
AAAH, That's a good one...
*reads*
AAi, baby, are you a sailor?
Ah, yea...
*reads last option*
well that doesn't seem logical at all!
I don't think anyone should adhere to that.
*reads second option*
Oh ya, I know.
*reads first and second option *
Oh hell ya.
I'll get a beer  for you
*reads*
Excuse me for not having all the wonderful things in the world for you Papu-Aiye.
*reads with laughter*
Why don't we treat each other with respect?
*reads*
Are you talking to me now?
Am I hearing voices in my head?
Are these real?
I'm not 100% sure if I am okay with this.
*reads*
UUuuuuuhhhhhhhhgggggg.
..........*Cough Cough*
*reads*
Oh okay your career of sailing.
*reads*
Whoa..
*reading with emotion*
...ever in your entire pillow life, would you?
Don't tell me anything that's a lie.
Oh no.. *crazy markimoo*
*Laughs and reads* Whoah
I fully trust you
*reads*
Bye!
Whoa. What the hell.
What the hell just happened.
Okay you know what lets-
Lets go about this a different way
*reading options*
Oookay.
Alright then.
Apparently I'm (laughs)
Apparently I don't know how to flirt with a pillow.
*laughs*
Alright let's do for real.
I'm Johnny.
Alright settle down there baby.
Sure I'll get a beer for you
*Going fast through the options*
I'll be waiting for you here!
As you sail the ocean.
*reads*
I just talk into a camera all day long everyday...
And just post them on a weird website.
I don't even know who's watching.
I just feel so lonely sometimes.
*reads*
*Reads Highlighted and stutters*
I CAN'T JUST BE HAPPY!
Gotta keep moving forward
No matter how scary.
*reads*
BABE!
YOU GET ME!
YOU GET ME!!
AHH I'M SO MOVED!
*reads*
I LOVE YOU.
"You might just crack a fat tonight"
What does that mean?
What does that mean??
"Use the sticks of the controller"
Oh
Whaaat?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AHHH!
Whoa you can see the wobble on that bad boy.
Oh that's a wobble alright.
Oh look at the wob.
Uhhhhhhhhhh
Yaaaaa.
Uhhhhh
That's the stuff.....
That's what I'm looking for...
Oh hell yaaaa.....
Okay I'm out of here this is weird. *Finally*
Okay only 2 more to go
Lets get to it then.
And screw you.
Alright Navia
*reading profile*
So are you like a giant w- ha, are you like a giant?
I'm a winner. Hail to the king, Baby!
Oh hell yeah!
You like each other. I know. I already liked her before I even knew who she was.
That's how devoid of tha- devoid of emotions I am.
*reading*
oh
I don't see a problem with that, 
I've never done that in my life
*reads*
Oh!
Wow, you're *laughs* ooookay
*reads*
Don't worry! Get that all the time. Don't worry about it.
I've g- I nev- I...no one's ever said that to me
*reads*
Yeah, I'm Johnny, baby.
*reads*
(moving mouth rapidly)
Okay, right, "Let's talk about something"
"I wanna talk about..."
whoah
"Insurance companies!" Cause that's my passion!
*reads*
*still reading*
Alright then...
Okay I'm not gonna question that..
Also I will point out that this 
is the same dating setting that
we met with the werewolf so..
*quietly* Is she gonna arrive?
*reads*
AHH... Some say it lives in a dank dark cave
that I maybe have visited and warmed up a 'lil bit.
(Dat face doe)
That I maybe have visited and had ruckus sex with
a werewolf in.. that's better. I like that, that's better.
*reads*
*quiet* Hell yeah, it can.
*reads*
(pun) That was rock hard baby.
*reads*
Oh, she's all 100% woman baby.
*reads*
Yeah, she terrified my squirrel.
*reads*
I deserved it.
That was a bad puuhhuh....
*reads*
I don't go- I don't have anything to do with that one.
*reads*
Nicole's a friend.
*reads*
NOOO! (Fail)
Alright well I-I got the poster though,
that was kinda cool.
Let's see *reads*
Well then there was no evidence
so what do you have to prove?
*reads*
*chuckles*
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL
YEAH BABY!
Hell yeah!
That's what I'm here for
"Stuff"...and "things"
Oh! I KNOW
Trust me...I've done this, like once
I know.
*reads*
Nah, honesty is the best policy!
I had a hot, steamy date, baby!
*reads*
I just have a map app
*reads*
Hehe, I know
*reads*
I'll be your experiment.
I'll be- I'll be your science lab baby.
I'll be your research and 
development depart- department.
*reads*
Ha! I practiced in front of a mirror every day...
*reads*
*laughs* Yeah. That's - that's me!
The -uh - BIGaplier, that's what they call me
Yeah, that is.
*reads*
Hoh! OH YEAH
Oh yeah
woohhoohoho
*reads*
*reads first option*
I don't understand that one, I don't get it
I-i-I have no idea what you're talking about
I'm gonna go with the "Rico Trico-Loco Mega Poko massage"
because at least that makes sense to me
*reads*
Oh, hey!
*reads*
Well, alright then, Jesus
*reads first option*
Talking about something naughty?
*reads*
Oh! "Grrrawr! Awooo!"
Is that gonna summon a certain someone? Heh
*reads*
*laughs*
Approach my zone!
You have clearance *laughs* to land
*laughs harder*
*reads*
*reads 2nd option*
I don't...?
I- I d-...
I don't know.
*reads option 3*
Hokay, alright
I thought this was innuendos that was gonna lead
somewhere other than 
what this is obviously leading into
I thought this was just gonna be a whole bunch of jokes!
Now all my innuendos that I made previously
seem a lot more dirty now that it's actually
the real-ality of this!
*reads*
Ahhhhh
Okay, so...I get it
Like, there's gotta be some way to bring the, umm
the uhh - the werewolf lady into this
Because that's what this is alluding to
So, there's gotta be a way to do that, right?
*reads*
Wait a minute!
*reads*
Woooaah....okaaayy
*reads*
Uhhhhhh
Na-navia, please! Na-navia. Navia, please.
*reads*
Yayy! I guess that's good!
Na-navia, please.
Okay, well, I was only one step away from it-
Ooohhhhh, heeyy
How's it goin' there?
Hey, Navia? How ya doing?
Hey, hey
Let me- let me put on my best Link impression for ya.
*screams*
*various screams and noises of exertion*
Hup!
Alright, one more!
We're almost done
We almost got this
We almost have...
absolute- "Kill Duck"
Well, that sounds good.
"Kill 100 ducks and get a prize, tho."
Uhhhhhh
"I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore" but let's do- l-lets
let's get it? I- I guess?
It's a date?
How is this a date?
I don't understand how this is a date.
This is like the final date on my list.
*reads fact*
Ohhh, it's a stupid joke
Okay, then, "Kill Duck"
Oh!
Hello! It's the werewolf girl
Ohh
So I need to kill 100 ducks?
I can do this.
But this seems awfully cruel
Why would I...?
Why would I wanna kill these ducks?
I mean, obviously, I wanna date the werewolf girl again.
I-I think?
Gamer skills, engaged!
You think you're a match for me?
HUh?
I've matched with stronger dates on Linger than you would ever see!
Woa- nooo!
You do not!
Oh, they're getting erratic now
Woah, hey! Woah, hey! Woah.
Okay, alright then
This is getting a little weird
Reality is starting to break here
Not that reality had anything to do with what we're actually doing here, but you know.
Maybe it could calm down for just a little bit before I-
actually lose my goddamn mind, because
I think Linger just leads to these places
Come on, you! Come on, you!
COME ON, you! Come on- waaaaa
Don't even think about it!
What you doing?
Oh, you're going fast now, HUH?
Ddd-d-you going fast?
G-you going fast? Huh?
You think you can go fast for me?
Huh?
Oh, we're going PAST 100 now?
Oh oh oh o hohohoh okay!
Alright, then, I see how this is
Think you can escape
my Linger finger!
My finger knows no limit!
Fuuuudge! nooooo
Oh my god! Oh my god o my god, oh my god!
Woooaaaah holy crap, okay, alright
They're getting a little faster now
What're you doing? What're you doing?
Okay, alright then, I don't know...
Apparently I get a massagy after this one?
I don't know why?
Oh, ducky.
Doh ducky...
Oh my god
I'm so sorry I tapped you to death
*quacks every time duck turns head*
Okay
Well this is...
This is a thing
Phew, I did it!
I did it! I did it all!
I, uh, I-I'm not a horribly socially inept person!
Maybe?
I don't know.
Could be.
But I did it!
I got all my Linger dates.
I...I had...
sweeeet tender love with a jar of mayo...
I had- I don't remember who you were...
You're a werewolf...
Dahhhh, you were the internet date
You were the mean girl
That was- that was my favorite one- jar of mayo
that was easily my favorite
Oh, yeah, the alien!
Hua! She was...
craaaazy.
Oh, and Dorothy...
Anne...
Papueieee...
Navia...
Awwww, so nice!
Okay, so anyway!
That is all for Mr. Massagy
I think there's some sorta like, DLC to this but I...
I'm not 100% sure.
This game was actually a lot of fun
I had, uh...
I had quite a time going through this
so I hope you guys enjoyed it, too
Let me know what you think
and if there is DLC as it says in the social DLC thing...
riiiiiiight HERE!
*reads*
So, I hope to see more stuff here
I may play it, it's kinda like playing Hunie Pop again
which I loved a lot.
Also, Hunie Pop 2 is in 
development, did you guys know that?
That's happening, so...
Thank you, everybody, so much for watching
And as always I will see you....
in the next video.
Buh-bye!
