(cards pattering)
(computer clicking)
(Dania and Keera laughing)
- No.
- [Dania] All right, our first question.
When I look into your eyes,
what would you want me to see in them?
(exhales)
(laughs)
- Um, hm.
Our relationship.
- I would want you to
see me, my personality.
- What about your personality?
- Like, I like fashion.
I care a lot for people.
- Yes, you do.
- Sometimes too much.
(both chuckling)
And...
I like to have fun.
- You like having fun, you sure do.
- I would want you to know
when I'm not feeling well,
or when I want to talk
about something specific.
Because sometimes I
kind of need that push,
that when you tell me, "Aya,
I know you're not okay.
Talk to me," you know.
- Okay, so I can ask that?
- Yes.
- 'Cause you know,
some people don't like that. (chuckles)
- Yeah. (laughs)
- I want you to see that you can trust me.
You know?
That's a really big thing in
our relationship, is trust.
That was something that we
both kind of struggled with,
but I definitely want you
to look at me and see like,
"Yeah, she is here for
me, that's my girl."
- I think when you look in my eyes,
I want you to know, or I
want you to see that...
I don't want you to see the
hurt that I've experienced,
but I want you to know that
I've experienced something.
- Most importantly, like
the love and the support,
and that I'm here no matter what,
and that you don't have to second guess.
Or you know, you just
don't have to second guess
that I'm always here for you.
That's what I want you to see.
I want you to see security in me,
I want you to just look
at me and see that.
- I definitely feel that, so.
That's how I feel about you
and I feel the same way.
That's the same thing that I want, so.
- Okay.
- That's awesome to hear.
(chuckles)
- How amazing and beautiful
I think that you are
and how much I adore you.
- What is one experience
you wish we never shared?
- (chuckles) That's an
interesting question.
- It's a given.
Read the room.
(laughing)
- Um, yeah.
I guess it's the moment of the explosion.
The day--
- Yeah.
- August fourth.
I seem to not remember anything.
The only thing I remember is
hugging you.
- Being on the ground.
- Crawling on the ground.
Glass shattered all over.
(talking over each other)
And next thing I remember
is seeing blood, me and
you, sitting in a pile
of our own blood, with glass.
- And glass inside the door,
inside the balcony door.
- Inside.
Yeah, and then like,
having to get out of the glass
and saving ourselves from the glass
and thinking there's another
explosion gonna happen
because we did not know what it was and--
- Another bomb.
- Yeah, because we thought it wasn't over.
We did not know it was just the...
A stupid--
- It's not an accident, but yeah.
- I don't know what it
was, that's the thing.
We don't know how it happened.
We still have a lot of questions.
- Yeah, nothing has been answered.
- If you could give me
anything in the world,
what would it be and why?
- I don't know.
(exhales)
I don't know, I picture some kind of like,
ball of light and just. (mimics whooshing)
Maybe just the peace, again.
I think the peace that I
have, that I feel a lot.
That helped me get through situations
that I didn't think I would get
through, including having...
Self-destructive thoughts
when I was a freshman
or sophomore or whatever in high school,
coming out of the dark stages.
Yeah, just like that peace again,
which comes from that
relationship that I have with God
that really just got me through
it and it just matured me.
And I think it helped me to
just see things differently
and to not hold grudges, to
not resent people for it.
Like, I forgive all of those people.
Like if I saw them today, I
might still feel you know,
that kind of troubling sensation
in my soul a little bit.
But I think I would still, you know,
be respectful of them,
of course, and honestly,
just hope that they're doing well.
- Even suicide is less controversial
than Black people
identifying with being Black.
Or having a pride in who they are
or who they come from,
or that sort of thing.
If we don't start seriously
teaching our children
about our history and our culture,
then it's just as if we haven't existed.
I want you to pass on, we
existed before slavery.
I'm going to do the DNA,
and I want that whole
history to go forward.
I want, you know, long after
I'm gone, if you have a baby,
I want you to tell your baby
about who I was and how I lived.
And you know, that I try
to do the right thing
and that there's some honor there.
- I would want you to know that
all of the things about yourself...
that you may not like,
you're everything I've ever
wanted in my life, in a partner.
You did this right, you did nothing wrong.
You made me the happiest
I could have ever been.
And that my biggest regret is just
not having more time with you.
- Yeah.
- I don't feel like I can trust you
to really have my back if
things got really rough.
And that's just because I think
when you get too overwhelmed,
you shut down a lot.
So I don't know if you
would be able to handle
when things really get rocky in my life.
- When I ask you what you need,
I feel like you are the one
that tends to shut down.
We're not in a place that I know
what you need without you saying it.
And I feel like you treat
me as though I should know.
So that definitely makes me very insecure.
I can't, I will never be trusted.
I will always be doubted.
And there's a lack of
faith in my own abilities
to hold my own in this world
and hold my own in this relationship.
- What is the pain in me,
I think it said "You wish you could heal?"
What is a pain in me
you wish you could heal?
- From your different
things you had going on
from your childhood, I
wish I could heal the pain
of you not, your voice not being heard.
You feeling like you not being heard.
- Yeah.
- And so that's the pain
I wish I could heal.
'Cause I know that causes
you a lot of stress
and a lot of pain and lot of
different things, you know?
I mean, I definitely
understand when you not heard,
and you feel like you not
heard, it could be tough.
So that would be--
- Man, you. (chuckles)
I wasn't expecting to tear
up, but okay. (laughs)
Thank you, babe.
I love you.
- It's all good, babe.
- What are you hesitant to ask Mommy?
- I'm getting hesitated right now.
Am I like, a mistake, you
didn't mean for it to happen?
- Are you a mistake?!
- Like it's a mistake, but
you're happy it happened.
- One, you ain't never been a mistake.
Don't let anybody ever, ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever, ever
tell you you're a mistake.
- No, I'm basically
saying like you didn't...
you wanted to have a child,
but not at that exact time.
- Got it, okay.
So when I was your dad's girlfriend...
- Uh-huh.
- No, I did not want to
have kids at that time.
But at the same time, I always...
I'll call it a feeling.
It's this sense of, I knew that if Mommy,
I take responsibility for my actions.
So I knew that if I,
when I was with your dad,
if I did get pregnant, I
knew that I would have you.
The moment I found out I was pregnant,
yes it was, I was in shock.
It was like, "Whoa, this
really happened to me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa," but there was never,
ever a moment where I felt
like you were a mistake.
And I appreciate you
asking me that question
because that took a lot of courage.
Don't you think?
That's so cool that you asked me that.
I never, ever thought that,
I never even thought that
you were thinking that.
- Hi guys, thank you so much for watching.
This is Mimi at "The Skin Deep."
If you want to be a part of our community,
if you want to join our movement,
you can subscribe to our newsletter
at theskindeep.com/subscribe.
Thank you so much!
