- As a baby, I was regularly fed coffee in my bottle.
- Lee Mack's team, what do you make of that?
- From, from... birth?
- I thought you were going to say "From your... mother's breast?"
- You were given coffee in the milk?
- Well, milky coffee from a very... from about the age of three.
- This is not hot coffee, obviously?
- Yeah, it would have been...
- Quite warm?
- Warm, milky coffee.
- And when you got older, did you ever say to your parents "Why did this happen?"
- Yep.
- My children like coffee.  Nowadays, you can have what they call a "Kiddiechino".  A "Babychino", sorry.  A "Babychino"  I got it wrong. "Kiddiechino", no.
- Actually, a "Kiddiechino" is just a very small pair of trousers.  You probably do use them.
- If they were putting coffee in your milk -
- No no, they weren't putting coffee in my milk, I was having coffee.  Slightly milky.  Milky coffee.
- Well, that is the same as putting coffee in milk.
- No!  There is a distinction between coffee in milk and putting milk in coffee.
- What is the distinction?
- Well it's like the distinction between having a glass of water and going swimming.
[JIMMY LAUGHS]
- In one case you're putting water in yourself and in another case you're putting yourself in water.
- Did they give you other... sort of more adult foodstuffs at a very young age?
- I think I was... I think I was allowed a... a modicum of booze as a... as a child.
- Oh were you?  At what age were you allowed booze?
- Like as a baby.
- It was to offset the coffee buzz.
- Lee, what were you given as a child?
- Evo-Stik.
- That's glue!
- Yeah, but that was to stop me getting out of the cot.
- David, as a small child, what were they bringing you in your quarters?
- [IMSPERSONATING DAVID] Just a port and a cigar.
- Took the words out of my self-parodic mouth!  No, the blood of a pheasant!
- Did you say pheasant or peasant?
- Lee, what are you thinking?  Is there any truth in this?  Which way are you leaning?
- I don't know.  What do you think, guys?
- I think we're skirting on the edge of giving out really bad childcare advice.
- That is true. But I can't help thinking that any parent that's looking at Jimmy and thinking "I want to raise a child like that" anyway is a dodgy parent
in the first place.  Do you know what I mean?
- I think it's nonsense.
- You think it's nonsense?
- Nonsense?
- I think it's a lie.
- You think it's a lie?
- Well we'll say it's a lie then.
- Pretty conclusively?  It's a lie?
- Yeah.
- Jimmy Carr?  Were you telling us the truth then or were you telling a lie?
- I can tell you, it is absolutely true!
- Wow!
