(Always with the whooshing and the pinging)
(clicking)
(curtain whooshing)
- Oh, welcome one and all
to Puppet History Online University!
Today, we'll be taking
an ever-winding look
at yet another chapter
in the heavy, heavy book
we call history while our
guests ruthlessly compete
for the coveted title of history master.
I am obviously your beloved
host, The Professor.
Ryan Bergara, are you ready?
- I'm good.
I just finished my little
snack and I'm ready to go.
- Oh, good, snacks are important.
Ryann Graham, our special
guest, are you ready?
- I am.
I'm ready to be here and excited
to be in an online course.
- Oh, then let's crack in!
(trumpets blowing)
- I've just realized,
there's a bit of a hiccup.
We've got two Ryans today.
Just to keep things clear,
I think Ryan Bergara,
we're gonna actually have to
demote you to just Bergara.
- You can call me RB, if you want to.
- Oh, Arbies.
- Yeah, Arbies!
Oh, let's just call you Arbies.
- No, don't call me Arbies.
(laughing)
- Beef Man!
- Beef Man!
The beef guy.
- I'm fine with Beef Man.
Literally anything but Arbies.
- [Announcer] Beef man!
- Behold!
Ancient Egypt.
Today, a popular tourist destination,
due in part to its fancy cemetery,
but in the millennia
before the common era,
it was one of the most vibrant
and powerful empires on Earth.
Atop this kingdom sat the
Pharaohs, the rulers of the Nile
and its surrounding environments.
Today, we're talking about one
that I'm willing to bet
neither of our contestants
has ever heard of and that
until about 100 years ago,
no one in the world had really heard of
Hatshepsut.
- Yeah, never heard of that.
- No, not ringing a bell?
- Say that one more time.
Hatshepsut?
- Hatshepsut!
- Hatshepsut.
- But first, let's talk
about the pharaohs.
Pharaohs were kings, sure,
but also so much more!
They controlled the military,
most of the land in Egypt,
and were intermediaries with the gods,
like if the King were also the Pope.
It's a lot of power.
- No man should have all that power.
- Oh, a bar.
Come on, Kanye, we love it.
- Beef man got the bars.
(laughing)
- Yes!
Well, Kanye may consider
himself a modern day Pharaoh.
- He's actually referred
to himself as a pharaoh
in one of his songs.
In "Monster", I believe he
calls himself a pharaoh.
- He does, right after
a very inappropriate-
- Yeah, yeah.
(laughing)
- We all remember that one.
With this divine status came an obsession
with building things.
The more things you built,
the more surface area you had
in which to etch your lineage
and triumphs as a ruler.
This was especially important
for the ancient Egyptians,
as one of their beliefs about
eternal life after death
was that it was contingent
on some form of memory
of them existing in the living world.
All the elaborate tombs,
statues, and temples
that still exist today were
built to ensure the spirits
of the pharaohs lived forever,
preserved in the memories of living.
- It's kind of like "Coco".
It's like if the last person forget you,
then you just disappear forever,
which is kind of sad, but
also kind of beautiful.
- It is like "Coco".
- (laughing) Yeah.
- Oh, ah!
♪ Ba da da dum ♪
- Whoa!
- Oh, shit.
- Our first question.
Goody, goody, goody.
Now, for a history
point each, name as many
of the approximately
170 pharaohs as you can.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, God, okay.
Well, yeah, I was fully
expecting multiple choice.
- Me, too.
- Yeah, I'm starting with
a real zipper for you.
- Were women allowed to be pharaohs?
(dramatic ringing)
- I don't know.
- Okay, well, I'm gonna go with my guess.
- Beef Man, why don't you go first?
- King Tutankhamun is in smaller ones,
and then I put Cleopatra.
- That's two.
That's two points for you.
That's true.
Yes, Tutankhamun was his full name.
I would've accepted just Tut, frankly.
- All I know is King Tut
and then I put Nefertiti
because I forgot about Cleopatra.
- Oh!
- And now I'm like, Nefertiti
was a goddess, not a pharaoh.
And then I also put Hotep
and I put Kanye West
and I put Carl, probably.
- That does sound like a pharaoh.
Nefertiti was actually
the wife of a pharaoh,
so she was a queen and frankly
I think that's worth a point.
Let's see.
- King Tut.
- King Tut for sure.
And Hotep.
Hotep was, I believe, a pharaoh, right?
- You believe?
(laughing)
- You know, it's a common
element of their names.
There's Imhotep and Amenhotep, so frankly-
- Two points.
- You know what?
I'll give you a point for that.
(trumpets blowing)
- Doctor.
- Now, if you wanted to join the ranks
of those 170 mostly
forgotten God-Kings of Egypt,
the easiest way was to
be born the eldest son
of the current Pharaoh and his queen.
Even then, though, it
wasn't always simple.
Pharaohs were polygamous,
but only one wife was
considered the queen.
Apart from this queen,
Pharaohs would keep a harem,
who weren't technically royals,
but instead considered "low-borns".
If the royal queen hadn't
given birth to a son
by the time Egypt needed
a Phresh Pharaoh©,
a son from one of the women in the harem
could be chosen as heir.
Now, you can see how this
system could make succession
a real mess and that was the
case with our Pharaoh de jour,
Hatsheput.
- Did they live in the palaces with them?
Because it was a harem, so like-
- Look, if I'm a pharaoh
and I've got my wife
and then I've got-
- My wife.
(laughing)
- Borat, thanks, Ryan.
Rotten jelly bean.
Come on, man!
Yeah, I guess if I have a bunch of wives,
I guess I'm putting them
up in some nice apartments.
Giving them some bowls of grapes.
- Because I've heard of
bathing in milk and honey,
which sounds kind of fun, so
maybe they took nice baths
in lotions and stuff.
- Apparently, that's something J-Lo does.
- She bathes in-
- In milk, at least, for sure.
I don't know about the
honey, but I read that.
Or no, I watched that on one of those
weird Vanity Fair things I do-
- You watched J-Lo
bathe in milk and honey?
(beeping)
Hatsheput's father was a man
named Thutmose the First.
He was a charismatic and, by
all accounts, effective leader,
hoping into power around 1500 B.C.E.
A military man who expanded
Egypt's kingdom by force,
there's one story of Thutmose
sailing home to Thebes
with the body of a vanquished
foe dangling from his ship
as a warning all who
had the foolish notion
to challenge the Pharaoh.
Brutal.
- When I was in college, I had a-
- Oh, here we go.
- Spider infestation in
my house with my roommate.
So what I did was I
captured one of the spiders.
- Uh-huh.
- And I did burn it
alive under a Slurpee cup
and left the corpse in
the middle of the garage
as an example.
Guess what?
No more spiders.
- Spiders, beautiful little bugs.
Leave them alone.
- What, do you have pet
spiders or something?
I mean yeah, kinda.
Kinda raise them like chickens, you know?
I keep them in my backyard.
I do have a pretty steady
diet of jelly beans,
but I also have to get
some protein in there,
so usually when they're good and fat, I-
- Oh.
- And though their
spirits may live forever,
the physical body of every Pharaoh did,
spoiler alert, eventually fail.
When that time came
for Thutmose the First,
even though Hatshepsut was the child
of Thutmose and his queen Ahmose,
Pharaoh-dom passed not to Hatshepsut,
but to the sickly Thutmose the Second,
whose mother was a
non-royal, secondary wife.
- Oh!
♪ Ba da da dum ♪
Another open-ended question!
Why was Thutmose the Second made pharaoh
instead of Hatshepsut when
Thutmose the First died?
- Are we allowed hints?
- Hmm, let me think about that.
A hint, a hint.
No, you're just gonna
have to take your shot.
- Love it, shoot your shot.
- Ryann Graham, I believe in you.
- Thank you.
- Beef Man, what do you got?
- I put dude had dragons
and a banging bod.
- Dude had dragons, a
thing that doesn't exist,
- [Pair] And a banging bod.
- So the thing that definitely exists.
- Ryann, what do you got?
- I said it was because
the first wife died
before she could give him a
son, so that's how he got it.
- Well, unfortunately,
you're both incorrect
and not even close.
If I were gonna give a history point,
I guess I'd give it to Ryann
because he's at least trucking
in the realm of reality,
so I'm gonna give a history point
to Ryann Graham, congratulations.
- I don't know if I agree with that.
- [The Professor] You earned it.
- (laughing) Thank you.
- But the answer is that
Hatshepsut was a woman.
That's right, I buried the
lead in a pyramid of factoids,
but we're talking about a female pharaoh.
- Oh, hell, yeah.
- Wow!
Okay, that's cool.
- Love to hear it.
- Now, just because
Hatshepsut was passed over
didn't mean she was out of the picture.
In a pretty gross custom, royal children
often married their siblings
and when she was around 12-years-old,
Hatshepsut was wed to her half-brother,
Thutmose the Second, the new pharaoh.
- Hot.
- A bit old fashioned.
- You know, the best way
to ensure some nepotism
is by a little incest.
- I guess that's true.
(laughing)
Thanks for the words of
wisdom there, Beef Man.
- It's pretty gross.
Hatshepsut had only
given birth to a daughter
by the time her husband died,
so the throne once again
passed to a son not by a queen,
but by a member of Thutmose
the Second's harem.
The kingdom of Egypt was to be ruled
by the appropriately
named Thutmose the Third.
- So now, does she have to move out?
Because her husband died,
does she have to go away?
- Well, there's a bit of a problem here.
And let me elaborate for you.
There's one problem in
declaring Thutmose the Third
king of all Egypt.
He was a baby.
He was a little baby boy.
Today, thanks to the film "Boss Baby",
we know that babies can be
smart and effective leaders.
But Egypt needed someone
to keep the throne warm
while Thutmose the Third learned
the skills needed to lead,
such as how to command an army
and how to not make
boom-boom in his diapies.
(raspberry blowing)
(laughing)
Because Thutmose the
Third's mother was low-born,
Hatshepsut, who had been
part of the royal family
since birth, took over as queen regent.
Basically, she had the
best resume for the job.
- She's like a temp, if you will.
She's filling in.
- Exactly.
- Or a seat filler at the Oscar's.
- Yes.
- Yes, exactly.
- Now, for the first few years,
everything went according to plan.
Thutmose the Third learned and grew
while Hatshepsut took care of the busywork
that entails leading all of ancient Egypt.
Sometime before Thurmose
turned eight, however,
Hatshepsut decided to
put in for a promotion.
Enough with the queen regent stuff.
She wished to be co-pharaoh.
♪ Ba da da dum ♪
- Oh!
- Now, what did Thutmose
and the Egyptian elite do
when Hatshepsut said she wanted
to be co-king of Egypt?
A, they said okay.
B, they tried to kill her with an asp.
Or C, they exiled her from Egypt
by sending her floating down the Nile.
- Oh, okay.
All great answers.
- Beef Man, what you got?
- I got B, asp.
Very dangerous.
- And Ryann.
- I also put B, kill her with an asp
because, you know, I feel like
they wouldn't just go okay
and I feel like exile's
too, she could come back.
It's too tempting.
- We also see a lot of snakes being used
to assassinate people
in films from this time,
which I imagine must draw in
some kind of historical fact.
- I guess you would call this
asp- pu- uh- ass-asp-ination?
(laughing)
- Asp- asp- aspbasp?
(relaxing reggae music)
♪ Where is my train of ♪
- Shh.
(laughing)
- We got it.
We know what you mean.
- I got a little, let's
find out what happened.
(cymbal ringing)
- He didn't even recognize that
I quoted a very famous line
from "Raiders of the Lost Ark".
Unbelievable!
- Ah, yes.
Another day for me, Hatshepsut.
- [Voiceover] Hatshepsut.
- Ruling Egypt while my sorta step-kid,
sorta nephew, grows up to replace me.
Actually, that sounds
kinda like bullshit to me.
You know what?
I wanna be co-king.
- Who, you?
- [The Professor] These
are the elites over here.
- You mean, like, you wanna
marry your sorta step-kid
to become queen again?
- No, I just, I think I
should be, like, also Pharaoh.
- It's me, Thutmose the Third.
You know, I may be just...
Where the fuck am I going?
Okay, great.
I may be just a little
boy, but I'm also pharaoh.
What would that make me,
if you're co-pharaoh?
- Well, I guess that would also Pharaoh,
but I'd take care of the governance.
- Okay.
Yeah, that works.
- Yes, that sounds good to us, the elites.
- [The Professor] That's
a lot of puppets up here.
Okay, bye!
(curtain dropping)
- Huh.
- Good for them, I guess.
I mean, it seems like the
decision was made out of laziness,
but either way, still progressive.
- Yeah, I know.
I thought like it's progressive.
I would've expected them to just kill her.
I loved to see this-
- That's exactly what I expected.
- Hi, I'm back.
Oh, wow.
So no points for anybody,
but yeah, kinda chill, right?
They're just like, all
right, cool, go for it, man.
Now, to Hatshepsut's credit,
the fact that everyone was cool
with this was no mere coincidence.
As regent, she had
handpicked talented outsiders
to fill the key positions in the regime,
instead of choosing people
from elite families.
That meant if those
officials wanted to keep
their positions, they needed
Hatshepsut in the throne.
So look, she's got a little
bit of leverage here.
- So it's less like them being progressive
and more of like, I
want to keep my job, so.
- Yeah.
No, I guess if we're
looking for the noble angle,
it's that she actually did
handpick talented people
for the roles and didn't just fill it up
with the usual nepotism.
- I was gonna say, it's almost
kinda like if a president
picked a really shitty vice president
so that you would not want to
assassinate said president.
- So, being the daughter of a Pharaoh,
the widow of another Pharaoh and stepmom
to yet another Pharaoh, all
of whom had the same name,
by the way, not to mention
being the only person
on the planet with
Egypt-leading experience
didn't mean keeping the title
of co-Pharaoh was a given.
Oh!
♪ Ba da da dum ♪
How did Hatshepsut go
about earning the loyalty
of her people?
A, she launched a public
infrastructure project.
B, she enslaved them.
Or C, she sent the army to
conquer modern day Eritrea.
- Yeah.
- Yup.
- These don't sound optimistic.
- I would like to think that it was like,
ah, I'm gonna do a public
good, but I'm just like,
the way history works is that-
- Yeah.
- It's just, it's very
rare that people are like,
let's do a good thing to stay in power.
I picked war.
- I put slavery for me.
- Beef Man's going with slavery.
Ryann, you're going with war.
- It was either that or war.
- Right, right.
- Well, I'm happy to tell you,
you both don't receive any history points
because the answer is A.
- Sick, hell yeah!
- Wow, who knew Egypt was so progressive?
Wow, what a lovely space.
- Well, well, now, okay, I mean.
(laughing)
They did have plenty of
slave labor going on.
- They did.
- Those stones were very heavy.
- It's true.
- Yes, infrastructure in ancient Egypt
was a little different
than the roads and bridges
we think of today.
For instance, Hatshepsut built some
of the largest Egyptian
obelisks ever constructed
at 100 foot tall.
You modern day city-slickers
may not think 100 feet
is that impressive.
Heck, the Washington Monument
is a 555-foot tall obelisk!
Unlike the Washington Monument, however,
Ancient Egyptian obelisks were made
from one solid piece of stone.
That's as if a 10-story apartment building
were carved out of a solid piece of rock
and then lifted into place.
- How the fuck did they do that?
- Yeah, what?
- You know, I mean, look.
If I know anything about the Beef Man,
he would argue that--
- Aliens, baby!
- Some ancient aliens did it.
Certainly, people in ancient
times weren't smart enough
to build pulleys, right?
- I don't know, I'm with
the Beef Man on this one.
I feel like-
- I don't think it's a matter of smarts.
- I wanna see it be done.
- I'd love to see it.
(trumpets blowing)
- Look at that.
(laughing)
In addition to obelisks,
Hatshepsut built one
of the the most magnificent structures
in all the ancient world,
an immense temple at Deir el-Bahari.
Pools and gardens with aromatic trees
populated the temple's lower levels
and a hundred enormous
statues of Hatshepsut
as a sphinx stood guard.
The walls were covered with inscriptions,
detailing Hatshepsut's
triumphs as a ruler.
Apart from the building spree,
Hatshepsut aimed to establish legitimacy
by building the only kind of
loyalty that really matters,
brand loyalty, baby!
Whoa!
♪ Ba da da dum ♪
What did Hatshepsut do
to establish her brand?
A, she changed her name.
B, she changed her gender.
Or C, she mythologized
the story of her birth.
- Hmm.
Why-
- Okay.
- All right, Beef Man, what you got?
- It's C, show me the birth certificate.
(laughing)
- Jesus, dude.
(laughing)
- Such a stupid part of our history.
(laughing)
- Ryann.
- I put B, gender, only because we've been
on a very progressive wave.
- That's true.
- And I would love for them to be like,
yeah, the first transgender pharaoh.
- Well, let's find out.
(cymbals clashing)
- I hope you're right.
I hope you're right.
- I do, too.
It would be very cool.
Oh! (clapping)
- I'm co-pharaoh, which is great,
but I need a total rebranding.
That's why I hired you,
famous madman Don Draper,
a reference that makes total sense.
- He has a suit, too.
- Look, we're just having
fun here, you guys.
- Got it.
- Yeah.
- Anyway, now here's what
I'm thinking, Hatshepsut.
We'll give you a new haircut.
- Okay, I like that,
but how about instead,
we really hammer home to everyone that,
as the daughter of a Pharaoh,
my mom got knocked up by the god Amen,
who had simply taken on
the appearance of my dad?
- I mean, I suppose we could
do that, but Hatshepsut-
- Also, that's not my name anymore!
Hatshepsut, what does that even mean?
My name's Maatkare now.
(echoing) Maatkare.
Maat, or truth.
Ka, or soul.
Re, the sun god.
Truth is the soul of the sun god.
Maatkare!
- Well, that's nonsense.
Won't that just confuse-
- Also, from now on, I'm
to be depicted as a man.
- Maatkare, you have a vision.
- [Ryan] Wait, what?
(laughing)
- So it's D, all of the above.
A trick question.
- Huh?
Wow, crazy, all of the above.
We haven't had one of those before, huh?
- Who knew that this was
even a possibility, though?
- Well, this guy doesn't
like to play by the rules.
- I'm bit of a bad boy.
- If that's what you want to call it.
(laughing)
- I'll call it that.
Yeah, I'm a bad boy.
Yeah, so unfortunately, no
history points for either of you.
- Ah.
- Yeah, I'm sorry, it's all right.
It's all right.
I appreciate the hustle, but yeah,
bit of a curve ball there.
Hatshepsut went through
quite the transformation.
And while Maatkare is
the name most frequently
found on her monuments, for our story,
I'm going to keep calling
her by the name she had
when we first met, Hatshepsut.
Not that I ever met her, personally.
(clearing throat)
Before continuing, let me explain
the gender thing real quick.
Though in early statues and carvings
Hatshepsut was portrayed
as a demure woman,
eventually she started being
portrayed as a bare-chested,
flail-and-crook-wielding man.
This was not an attempt to
trick people into thinking
she was actually a man.
Egyptian art depicted
things not necessarily
as they really were, but
a bit more metaphorical.
Written references to
Hatshepsut still made it clear
she was a woman, just
one depicted as a man
wearing a fake beard.
Though the full reason for
this change remains a mystery,
theories range from attempting
to legitimize her rule
to taking some of the
ancient sting out of the fact
that the co-Pharaoh Thutmose the Third
was sharing the title with was a woman.
- Hmm.
- So lots to chew on there.
- What is he doing at
this time, her co-Pharaoh?
- He's a little baby boy.
- Oh, he's still a baby at this point?
Got it, got it.
- He's probably sucking on his thumb.
- Serving up turds like hotcakes.
- Yeah, chasing a bumblebee.
I don't know.
- Things kids do.
Things baby do.
- Yeah, things kids do.
- Chasing a bumblebee?
- Yeah, you never chased a bumblebee
as a little boy, Beef Man?
- No.
So you're raising spiders for killing.
- Yeah.
- You're chasing around
bumblebees, terrorizing them.
What else are you doing in your free time?
- Just chilling.
(laughing)
Perfect segue here.
Now, While Hatshepsut was
gradually transforming her brand,
Thutmose the Third was
also gradually transforming
into a man who would be capable
of running Egypt by himself,
thank you very much.
While Hatshepsut did a
good job of making sure
no strongmen with militia
and a bone to pick
usurped the throne, the
biggest threat to her job
was in reality her coworker
slash stepson slash nephew.
So yeah, you know, she's got to watch out.
I know he's a little boy, but
little boys can be dangerous.
- I feel like kids are the
scariest creatures on the planet.
(laughing)
- Well, that's true.
- They're full of germs and
then they also can be murderous.
Kids are-
- That's true.
- Even if they're not full
of germs or murdering,
kids are just plain creepy.
So luckily, by most indications,
the two had a great relationship.
While Hatshepsut was in charge,
it would have been relatively
easy for an accidental death
to befall the boy-king.
Instead, she made sure
he would be well-prepared
for life as a pharaoh, having
him educated as a scribe,
a priest, and a soldier.
He excelled at this latter vocation
and was eventually promoted
to Commander in Chief
of the army.
- So she's like, also a great person.
- Very forward thinking.
- Yeah, she's making sure he's
a well-rounded individual.
It's pretty cool.
- Oh, no.
- You sound so sad.
- Yeah, why are you so sad?
- The way history works, I
feel like she's doing all
of these amazing things to
him and he's gonna use up her.
I feel like once he actually becomes,
that's why I got sad
because history's sad.
- History is sad.
- You're probably right.
- He's gonna turn out to be a dick.
- All of this was happening during a time
of relative prosperity
and peace for Egypt,
which every leader throughout
history will tell you
means one big problem,
what to do with the army?
If Hatshepsut disbanded the army,
Egypt would be defenseless.
If she sent them to war and they lost,
she would be blamed and usurped.
If she sent them to war and they won,
well, then Thutmose the
Third would get the credit
and perhaps diminish his aunt-mom's power.
So, what did Hatshepsut do with her army?
A, she sent them on a military
campaign down the Nile
while ordering Thutmose
the Third to stay home.
B, she sent them on a trade expedition.
Or C, she put them to
work building a pyramid.
- Oh.
- Beef Man, give it to me.
- I'm gonna go B, trade.
That seems to be the most logical
and she seems to be fairly logical.
- Interesting, interesting.
And Ryann?
- C, pyramid, baby!
- Love a pyramid.
- Because I feel like yeah,
we love a good pyramid
and I feel like she wants to keep an eye
because if you sent them
away, something could happen.
- True.
- But if they're in town and in work,
you see them and you
know that they're busy.
- Solid logic there, but
unfortunately, points to Beef Man.
Yes, she sent them on a trade expedition.
So Hatshepsut, the great ruler
that she was turning out to be,
turned this potential
problem into a benefit.
She sent the army on a trading expedition
to the mysterious and lost land of Punt,
where no Egyptian had
been for over 500 years.
Now, the trade route that
opened up was a lucrative one,
bringing ivory, incense, and
rare animal skins to Egypt.
Ancient records boast, "Never
was brought the like of this
for any king who has been
since the beginning."
These riches garnered further
support from the elites,
who liked fancy things.
Consumerism isn't just
a modern scourge, folks.
Which reminds me, click below to buy some
of the finest merch in all of history!
(clearing throat)
- Wow.
- Yeah, look, I'm a shill
for my own shit, guys.
(laughing)
I'm on a t-shirt.
I'm happy about it.
Sue me.
- Brutal.
Brutal.
- In 1457 B.C.E., after a
prosperous 22-year reign,
Hatshepsut died, finally
giving Thutmose the Third
full control over Egypt
Giving him time to learn the
royal ropes was worth it,
as he, too, had a successful reign.
Using his skills as a military leader,
Thutmose the Third expanded
Egypt's control by force
and resulted in Egypt's status
as one of the wealthiest nations on Earth.
- Wow.
- Wow.
- See what happens when
you teach the childreN?
- As for Hatshepsut, thanks to her
many infrastructure projects
and the profitable trading
partnership with Punt,
it seemed the Female Pharaoh's name
should've been remembered forever,
except until the early 1900s,
no one really knew she existed.
Huh?
Why had no one heard of Hatshepsut?
A, Hatshepsut's hieroglyphic
name had been mistranslated
to mean period of no ruler.
B, her stepson destroyed
almost all records
of her existence.
Or C, archeologists just weren't
very good until the 1900s.
(laughing)
- Ah, hmm.
- Beef Man, sock it to me.
- I think B, dude's gonna dude.
- Dude's gonna dude.
Okay, Ryann.
- I put B because history
is sad. (laughing)
- It's the common refrain on this show,
but an accurate one.
Points to both of you.
- Wow.
I knew he was gonna be a dick.
Man.
- Yeah, you called it awhile ago, man.
You really did.
- That's a little heartbreaking.
Towards the end of
Thutmose the Third's reign,
around 20 years after the
death of his predecessor aunt,
Hatshepsut's many monuments,
statues, and carvings
were all destroyed,
replaced with the likeness
of her husband, Thutmose the Second.
Remember, in ancient Egypt,
the consequences of this
wasn't simply a destroyed legacy,
but literally cursing her to damnation.
With no statues or
recordings of Hatshepsut,
she could no longer enjoy the eternal life
those depictions were
meant to promise her.
- Damned her to hell.
- [Voiceover] Hatshepsut.
- I didn't even think about that.
That was at the top of this.
Oh, my God.
- It's messed up.
- Wow!
That is so messed up!
- After all she did for him!
- Right, yeah!
She could've easily got rid
of him when he was a baby.
- You know how easy it is to kill a baby?
- Very.
- You drop a snake in the crib.
There were snakes everywhere.
All you have to do is leave the room
and a snake will end up in that crib.
(beeping)
Now, the reason why Thutmose the Third
tried to erase Hatshepsut's
name from history
is a mystery that still
eludes historians today.
Jealousy, perhaps?
Or an effort to tidy up the
story of his lineage, maybe?
No matter the reason,
a shitty thing to do.
Because of him, record of
Hatshepsut's accomplishments
had effectively been erased
and it would take hundreds
of years of archeology to rediscover it.
- So he must be holding
a grudge, it seems like.
- Maybe.
- I mean, sometimes, grudges
could be long growing.
- That's true.
- You could've woken up
one day and been like,
you know what?
Fuck that.
(laughing)
- Actually.
- There's also the
possibility that on day one,
he's like, all right,
Hatshepsut, love that lady,
but I'm pharaoh now, hooray!
And he goes to meet with his
advisors and they're like,
hey, nice to have you here.
By the way, Hatshepsut,
boy, oh boy, she kicked ass.
You really better live up to this
and then day by day, it's
Hatshepsut this, Hatshepsut that.
20 years of that adds up and
he's like, you know what?
I'm tired of hearing of this lady.
Let's wipe her from the books.
- That's true.
He's sitting in a therapist's
office 20 years later.
Finally realizes the sources of his pain.
(dramatic music)
- Let's jump ahead some 3,300 years.
Whoa!
All the way in 1903 when
famed British archeologist
Howard Carter would
unearth a non-royal tomb,
today known as KV60.
Inside were some mummified geese,
the mummy of Hatshepsut's royal wet nurse,
and the mummy of another
unidentified female.
Mystery!
Skip ahead another 100 or so years to 2007
and with the help of modern technology,
a CT scan would confirm
that the unidentified mummy
was likely Hatshepsut after all.
- Wow.
- Huh.
- Now with Hatshepsut's
body finally accounted for,
tests were conducted in an attempt
to determine the cause of her death.
- So.
♪ Ba da da dum ♪
- What is the leading theory
for how Hatshepsut died?
A, she was mauled by a
tiger, which presumably came
from her trading partners in Punt.
B, she had cancer as a
result of her skin cream.
Or C, drinking poisoned wine
at a banquet held in her honor.
- I don't know.
- I don't, either.
- Beef Boy. (laughing)
I'm sorry, Beef.
- That's man to you.
I'm Beef Man, not boy.
- Sorry, Beef Boy.
Beef Man.
What do you got?
- B, cancer.
- Oh.
- And Ryann?
- I put A, our tiger queen,
just because I would like for her to have-
- God, how horrible.
(laughing)
- It's a pretty metal way to go, yeah.
- No, it's not! (laughing)
It sounds awful.
I guess cancer's awful, too.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Well, point to the Beef Boy.
She did have cancer as a
result of her skin cream.
CT scans done in 2007 showed Hatshepsut,
at the time of her death, to
have been in very poor health.
According to evidence found in
her pelvic region and spine,
she suffered from cancer.
Found amongst her possessions was a vial
that contained skin
cream, which made sense,
as there were known cases of skin disease
in Hatshepsut's family.
In that skin cream, however,
pharmacologists discovered
Benzo(a)pyrene, one of the
mostcarcinogenic substances
on earth.
- [Pair] Wow.
- So just rubbing skin cancer on herself?
- [Pair] Yeah.
- Though we now have a better
understanding of how she died,
the mystery as to why her
legacy was erased remains
(clearing throat)
not fully understood.
(laughing)
Still, her body was found
and we know about her now!
And she did a pretty great job as pharaoh.
With memory of her reign restored,
her spirit can continue
to live on for eternity.
(intense classical music)
Thus concludes our history lesson!
I'm going to go tally the scores
to see who receives the Coveted Cup
and the title of History Master.
While I do that, please enjoy
this special performance
from one of the mummified geese
found in Hatsheput's tomb.
- The Puppet History of 2020,
that multiple choice section's
gonna be fucking brutal.
- (laughing) Surely, murder
hornets couldn't be the answer.
And it's like, but yes.
It is.
- It's just awful.
- Oh, wow.
Oh, she's a mummy.
- Yeah, I'm a mummified goose.
- Looks like an ostrich.
- No, no, I'm a goose.
Very clearly a goose.
- Looks like an ostrich.
♪ Hatshepsut, she was competent as hell ♪
♪ They tried to wipe her from the books ♪
♪ As far as we can tell ♪
♪ A pharaoh you should know ♪
♪ She really held it down ♪
♪ Oh, just because she kept the peace ♪
♪ She don't deserve renown ♪
♪ Hatshepsut ♪
♪ Oh, you haven't heard ♪
♪ She stepped up and ruled Egypt ♪
♪ And raised Thutmose the Third ♪
♪ A queen ♪
♪ A king ♪
♪ Depends which glyphs you've seen ♪
♪ But, by and large,
she sure took charge ♪
♪ And really nailed the thing ♪
(clapping)
♪ Hatshepsut ♪
♪ A funny claim to fame ♪
♪ Her husband, dad, and kinda son ♪
♪ They all had the same name ♪
♪ A pharaoh ♪
♪ Who narrowly missed her chance to rule ♪
♪ But luckily, the king-to-be
was tied up with preschool ♪
♪ Hatshepsut ♪
♪ If you're still asking whom ♪
♪ Just shows a pharaoh's greatness ♪
♪ Can't be measured by their tomb ♪
♪ A queen ♪
♪ Supreme yet surreptitiously interred ♪
♪ I should know ♪
♪ Me and my bro were mummified with her ♪
(clapping)
♪ Hatshepsut ♪
♪ Commit the name to memory ♪
♪ Because you see, regrettably ♪
♪ She happens to be dead and we
can help her out enormously ♪
♪ Particularly spiritually ♪
♪ If every now and then-ish ♪
♪ We could toss a kindly thought ♪
♪ To she who nearly became history ♪
♪ Not via Egyptology ♪
♪ But lost for all eternity ♪
♪ Erased, though it's a mystery ♪
♪ Why anyone would possibly ♪
♪ Resort to such vile treachery ♪
♪ And so it's with
respect that we remember ♪
♪ On occasion she kicked ass ♪
♪ Hatshepsut ♪
(clapping)
- All right, cool.
Every time one of those songs come up,
I feel like I'm the living manifestation
of that Jay-Z gif.
- It's him kind of head
nodding around, like.
- Where he just head
nod, concerned head nod.
- Yeah, yeah. (laughing)
- Whoa!
Wow.
- Wow.
- Hell of a goose.
Hell of a goose.
- Hell of a goose.
- Definitely a goose, not an
ostrich, as far as I can tell.
Let's see how we did.
Oh, knock me down with a
mummified goose feather!
Ryann Graham is our History Master!
And he has rightfully
earned the Coveted Cup!
Beef Boy, thanks for trying.
Ryann, go claim your reward.
- Okay.
(doorbell ringing)
Oh, okay.
All right, recording a video.
- Once I can get my hands on
that little blue ball sack
of a head that you have--
- It's, yes!
- Know more.
- It's coming off.
- There's even jelly beans in this!
- Try knowing more.
- Oh, my God, it's jelly beans!
- You've earned it and we're so thankful
for you coming by here today.
Thank you, Ryann Graham, for playing.
I want to thank everybody for watching.
We'll see you next week on
another exciting episode
of Puppet History.
Goodbye!
Oh!
(slow folk music)
- [Voiceover] Hatshepsut!
(upbeat electronic music)
Hatshepsut!
Hatshepsut!
(clapping)
