>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME BACK.
WE'RE ALREADY HERE TALKING WITH
OUR FRIEND JON BATISTE.
WE WERE JUST WORKING OUT SOME--
WE WERE JUST WORKING OUT SOME--
SOME-- SOME...
>> Jon: COMMON TONALITY
HARMONY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY, COMMON
TONALITY HARMONY.
>> Jon: IT'S A FUN GAME.
JUST PLAY THE ONE NOTE...
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: AAAHH!
>> Jon: OOOH.
>> Stephen: CAN I SING JAZZ?
YOU BET.
READY?
AAAAHHHH...
♪ ♪ ♪
NO MATTER WHAT HE PLAYS, I'M
READY.
>> Jon: YOU'RE A BAD CAT.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH, I'M WAY
GONE, DADDY-O.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?
YOU LOOK ALL FRESH AND HAPPY.
>> Jon: YEAH.
I'M GOOD.
I WAS JUST CHECKING-- SPEAKING
OF JAZZ, I WAS LISTENING TO DUKE
ELING TON ON THE DICK CAVETT
SHOW.
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> I DIDN'T REALIZE HE HAD DONE
THAT SHOW.
AND I CHECKED THAT OUT, MAN, AND
I WAS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED TO
FIND THAT CLIP FLOATING AROUND
ONLINE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
WHAT DID THEY TALK ABOUT?
>> Jon: WELL, I WAS JUST
LISTENING TO IT JUST BEFORE WE
STARTED TALKING.
BUT THEY WERE STARTING TO TALK
ABOUT HOW HE'S ON THE ROAD AND
HE NEVER LEAVES THE ROAD.
LIKE, DUKE ELLINGTON --
>> Stephen: LIKE, DIDN'T HAVE
A HOME, JUST WAS ALWAYS ON THE
ROAD.
>> Jon: YES.
AND HIS IDEA OF TOURING THAT WAS
IT DIDN'T EXIST.
THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS
TOURING.
IT'S JUST A WAY OF LIFE.
AND THAT WAS REALLY INTERESTING
TO HEAR HOW HE APPROACHED THE
MUSIC LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: WOW, WOW.
HARD ON THE FAMILY, I GUESS.
>> Jon: YEAH.
THAT'S NOT FOR ME.
BUT... YOU KNOW, DUKE MADE GREAT
MUSIC, SO MAYBE HE FIGURED
SOMETHING OUT, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.
>> Jon: MUCH LOVE.
>> Stephen: Y'KNOW, I SPEND MOST
OF MY TIME SITTING RIGHT HERE,
BRINGING TOGETHER THE ORGANIC
WHOLE WHEAT FLOUR, THE TRIPLE-
FRENCH-FLAKED SEA SALT, AND
FRESH ACTIVE BAKER'S YEAST THAT
ARE THE BIG STORIES OF THE DAY,
PROOFING AND BAKING THEM INTO
THE ARTISANAL BAGUETTE THAT IS
MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES,
INSTACART CAN'T GET ANY OF THAT
STUFF.
SO I LIKE TO ALSO SIT RIGHT
HERE, RUMMAGE THROUGH THE NEWS
PANTRY FOR SOME EXPIRED CAKE
MIX, SOAK SOME RAISINS IN TEPID
ORANGE JUICE TO FERMENT MY OWN
YEAST, AND THROW IN THE BAKING
SODA FROM THE BACK OF THE
CRISPER TO MAKE THE HOBO-STYLE
QUICKBREAD OF NEWS THAT IS MY
QUARANTINED MEANWHILE SEGMENT:
>> QUARANTINE-WHILE!
>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN
CALIFORNIA, A TRIO OF SUSPECTED
THIEVES WAS ARRESTED IN WHAT
POLICE ARE CALLING A "HEINOUS
TOILET PAPER CAPER."
YOU CAN SEE IT ALL IN THE NEW
ACTION COMEDY: "OCEAN'S
NUMBER 2."
POLICE WERE PATROLLING A
SHOPPING MALL PARKING LOT WHEN
THEY CAME ACROSS THE THIEVES
TRYING STEAL "31 ROLLS OF TOILET
PAPER, 31 TOWELS OF VARIOUS
SIZES, AND FOUR SETS OF BED
SHEETS."
NO JUDGEMENT, BUT IT REALLY
SOUNDS LIKE THOSE THIEVES ARE
PLANNING TO WIPE THEIR BUTTS
WITH TOWELS AND SHEETS.
IT WOULD EXPLAIN CHARMIN'S NEW
SLOGAN: "ENJOY THE GO, DREAD THE
LAUNDRY."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "AMERICANS ARE
STOCKPILING FROZEN PIZZA,
CAUSING A POTENTIAL SHORTAGE
AMID THE CORONAVIRUS."
REALLY?
FROZEN PIZZA?
FRESH PIZZA IS ONE OF THE THINGS
YOU CAN STILL HAVE BROUGHT TO
YOU.
FROZEN PIZZA IS A LAST RESORT.
THAT'S WHY THE SLOGAN IS, "IT'S
NOT DELIVERY.
IT'S DE ONLY THING WE HAVE."
QUARANTINEWHILE, A DOG HAS
TESTED POSITIVE FOR CORONAVIRUS,
MARKING THE FIRST KNOWN POSITIVE
CASE IN A DOG IN THE UNITED
STATES.
NOT TO BLAME THE VICTIM HERE,
BUT I DOUBT THE DOG WAS 
OBSERVING PROPER HYGIENE
PROTOCOLS WHILE LICKING ITS OWN
BUTT.
CANINE PATIENT ZERO IS A PUG
FROM NORTH CAROLINA NAMED
WINSTON, SEEN HERE CONTAMINATING
THE PHOTOGRAPHER.
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT HIM BECAUSE, APPARENTLY,
HE WAS ONLY SICK FOR A FEW DAYS
AND IS NOW DOING MUCH BETTER.
THOUGH, KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS A
PUG WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.
SO THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WHEN HE'S FEELING HEALTHY.
NOW, THIS ISN'T JUST A DOG
PROBLEM, BECAUSE SOME CATS HAVE
ALSO TESTED POSITIVE FOR
CORONAVIRUS.
HOLD UP, HOW ARE THESE DOGS AND
CATS EVEN GETTING ACCESS TO
COVID-19 TESTS?
DO THEY PLAY IN THE N.B.A?
YOU KNOW, THERE'S NOTHING IN THE
RULE BOOK THAT SAYS A DOG CAN'T
PLAY IN THE N.B.A.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "THE PENTAGON
HAS OFFICIALLY RELEASED U.F.O.
VIDEOS."
NOW, THIS ISN'T NEW FOOTAGE.
THE PENTAGON IS JUST OFFICIALLY
DECLASSIFYING IT AFTER THE NAVY
VIDEOS WERE FIRST RELEASED BY A
COMPANY CO-FOUNDED BY FORMER
BLINK-182 MUSICIAN TOM DELONGE."
WILL ALL SENSITIVE GOVERNMENT
SECRETS NOW COME FROM '90s POP
BANDS?
I LOOK FORWARD TO GETTING NORTH
KOREAN MISSILE DEFENSE
INFORMATION FROM SMASHMOUTH.
ATE AGENT SMAGHT-MOUTH.
AGENT SMAGHT-- AGENT
SMAGHT-MOUTH.
IT'S NOT EASY TO SAY, "AGENT
SMASHMOUTH.
"AGENT SMASHMOUTH, HOW DID YOU
COME BY THIS INFORMATION?"
♪ "SOME-BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THOSE LAUNCHPADS AREN'T PHONY
♪ I THINK THIS IS A CREDIBLE
THREEAT ♪
QUARANTINE-WHILE, A FAMILY IN
IOWA "MADE A SIDEWALK CHALK
MONOPOLY GAME DURING THE
COVID-19 LOCKDOWN."
HERE'S VIDEO OF THE GAMEBOARD
WINDING THROUGH THEIR
NEIGHBORHOOD.
ISN'T THAT NICE?
LOOK AT THAT.
THAT'S COOL.
VERY IMPRESSIVE.
AND WAY SAFER THAN MY IDEA:
FULL-SIZED HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JAKE
GYLLENHAAL.
♪ SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME ♪
SMASHMOUTH!
