

#  

#  The Gamers:

# Dorkness Rising

# (The Novel)

Diana Brown

Adapted from the screenplay by

Matt Vancil

Published at Smashwords

The Gamers: Dorkness Rising is the creation of Dead Gentlemen Productions, and is distributed by Zombie Orpheus Entertainment under a Creative Commons license (Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported). The Gamers: Dorkness Rising (The Novel) inherits and is distributed under these terms.

Nodwick appears in The Gamers: Dorkness Rising courtesy of Aaron Williams and Do Gooder Press

##  Contents

Chapter 1: Dungeon Crawling

Chapter 2: The Gamers

Chapter 3: Alone In The Dark

Chapter 4: Aarrrbuck's

Chapter 5: A Matter Of Characters

Chapter 6: The Adventure Begins

Chapter 7: Meditating At The Temple Of The Moon

Chapter 8: Mudhollow Inne

Chapter 9: The Road To Westhaven

Chapter 10: Evolving Naturally

Chapter 11: The 'Real' World?

Chapter 12: Another Friday Night

Chapter 13: A Scruffy-Looking Peasant

Chapter 14: Westhaven

Chapter 15: Mort Kemnon's Secret Cave HQ

Chapter 16: The Final Battle

Chapter 17: The Not-So-Grand Hierophant

Chapter 18: Return To Whitetower

Chapter 19: Her Heart's True Wish

Chapter 20: After-Game Special

Chapter 21: The Morning After

Chapter 22: New Adventures

Acknowledgements

Author's Note

##  Chapter 1: Dungeon Crawling

The three men cautiously stalked the dark hallway, torchlight flickering against the dingy stone walls. The eerie silence was broken only by the intermittent clanking of the warrior's armor and the occasional creaking of ropes as their henchman shifted the bulky chest he balanced on his back and shoulders. _Three and a half men, I suppose,_ thought Rennard – who was, after all, the only one of the group in the habit of thinking. _Henchmen are men too. Probably. After a fashion..._

Rennard's iron discipline brought his mind swiftly back to the task at hand. He continued to weave his way warily down the hallway, snaking from side to side as he examined the walls and floor for signs of traps. He paused occasionally, listening for the evil minions who must surely lurk nearby. These corridors marked the entrance to the lair of a necromancer – traps and minions were, after all, inevitable.

Rennard found the end of the corridor blocked by a simple wooden door. S _imple_? Rennard thought. _Nothing thus far has been simple – this has to be a trap._ Turk lumbered to his side, reaching a gauntleted hand past Rennard to seize the doorknob.

Ah-ha!

Rennard seized Turk's hand preventing his fingertips from touching the door – just in time, undoubtedly, to prevent the brainless oaf from raining the necromancer's devious punishment upon them all.

Turk turned a questioning face to Rennard, and the rogue responded by pointing to a small plaque on the door. The wooden tablet was decorated with some sort of mystic scribble, nearly invisible in the dim torchlight. Turk nodded in understanding, and smiled his thanks to Rennard for preventing what must certainly have been disaster. The two stepped back, making room for the priest to do his work.

Fastidian stepped forward, one hand wrapped around the symbol of his goddess - a medallion the size of his palm, crafted in the image of a sunburst. He briefly examined the runes before him, then let the medallion fall against his saffron robes as he used both hands to invoke the Light That Evildoers Fear. When the blinding flash receded, the cursed runes had vanished.

_So much for my night vision,_ Rennard thought as he stepped up to the door. It was a simple lock – he could have picked it with his eyes closed. _Good thing,_ he mused, as his vision slowly re-adapted to the darkness.

The door creaked slowly open and the men stepped forward into a scene of carnage. Corpses lay strewn about the floor, decaying flesh drawn tight across clearly-visible skeletons. As Turk leaned forward to examine one of the carcasses, the bodies began to stir. These were no corpses! They were ghouls - wretched undead creatures that lurked in places mired in the stench of death, ready to devour the unwary.

Turk, Rennard, and Fastidian were _always_ wary.

The fighter and the rogue engaged the most aggressive of the vile creatures, killing some and keeping the rest away from the priest long enough for him to wrap himself in the power of his goddess. Holding forth the Sunburst of Therin confidently, Fastidian joined his will to the will of the goddess, channeling it into a single forceful command.

"Turn!"

The force of the command burst outward from the holy symbol of Therin, haloing it in the unsullied Light of the goddess. The glow expanded in a moment of benevolent detonation, filling the room with Light. The remaining abominations were scattered to dust, ending their unnatural afterlife.

_We must be getting close to the villain's lair,_ thought Rennard. He cast a quick glance over the party, confirming that none had been bitten by the ghouls. The last thing he needed was someone who was supposed to be at his back suddenly turning undead in the middle of a fight. Seeing that everyone was intact, he turned his attention to the room itself. At first glance, it appeared to be a dead end, but closer examination revealed a recently patched section of wall. Light shone through a gap at the top of the bricks.

Someone doesn't want us going that way – it must be the direct path to our destination.

"Nodwick," Rennard intoned. "Stay 'ere until we ray-turn." When Rennard spoke, it was obvious that he was French.

"Aye, my lord," the henchman replied. Personally, Nodwick thought his master was a bit of an arrogant twit – but that sort of thing wasn't really a henchman's place to point out. As for the outrageous accent – well, it came and went, so it wasn't like he had to put up with it _all_ the time....

Fastidian had noticed the wall as well. As if on cue, Rennard and Fastidian bowed to Turk, sweeping their left arms toward the mismatched section of stone as if to say "after you." Turk bowed acknowledgement and charged forward, absorbing some of the shock on his shield, and shattering the hastily-constructed barrier. He kicked the last of the bricks out of the bottom of the door frame and was immediately attacked by two more undead guardians.

He dispatched them before his fellows could make their way through the doorway to join him.

The party strode forward through the short passage and into the room at its far end. They found the area dank, and festooned with spider webs. A chest, draped with a strip of fabric supporting a sealed urn, sat in a random-seeming location on the floor. To the right of it, a hooded figure huddled on an elaborate throne set against the far wall, dimly lit by a series of candles.

"Mort Kemnon!"

Turk's words were an announcement, an accusation, and a warning, all rolled into a single commanding bellow. The warrior's presence attack had no effect - the weasely necromancer was, after all, a personal servant of the god of death. Kemnon drew himself erect, flinging his gray cowl back to reveal the dark, squiggling tattoos of the death god on either side of his hairless pate.

"Uninvited guests," he intoned with an overconfident smirk, as the party lined up before the throne to confront him.

Rennard pointed a dagger at Kemnon and declared ( _without_ the outrageous accent, Nodwick would have noted) "Your reign of terror ends here!"

Fastidian raised his medallion before him, gathering the power of the goddess around him and focusing his will on Kemnon.

"By the Light of Therin, you shall fall!" he declared confidently, as the sunburst began to glow.

Mort Kemnon accepted Fastidian's challenge, rising unhurriedly to his feet as purple-black magical energy wreathed his hands. "What good is the light of your goddess?" he asked. "She cannot help you here."

Fastidian blinked his surprise as the Light from the sunburst sputtered and died. He pulled the amulet back toward him and looked down at it in dismay. Rennard looked down over his shoulder, staring in shock at the darkened holy symbol.

Fastidian felt it then - the Absence of Light. The power of the goddess was gone from him.

"No!" he cried in horror. "We're......"

"Doomed." Kemnon finished the sentence for him, as shrieking ghouls poured into the antechamber from a door behind the random chest. More ghouls flowed through the doorway by which the party had entered, and one of them cut Fastidian down from behind.

"Fastidian!" cried Turk, lunging toward his friend as the priest collapsed into a pool of his own blood. The warrior hadn't long to mourn, as voracious ghouls closed in and bashed him in the helmet. Turk fell to the damp floor, leaving Rennard standing alone against the necromancer.

The rogue stood in a small open space, surrounded by ravenous ghouls. "This does not end 'ere!" Rennard avowed, his accent as outrageous as ever as he glared at the vile wizard. The rogue leapt forward, evading minions until he was face to face with his foe.

"It does... for you," Mort Kemnon declared with finality.

He calmly wrapped the rogue in a sheath of magic, then....blew Rennard a kiss?

_Huh_? thought Rennard. He had just enough time to realize that the gesture was the somatic component of a spell, before he was blown backward into a cluster of undead and beaten lifeless. The last sound he heard was Mort Kemnon laughing maniacally in triumph.

##  Chapter 2: The Gamers

The four young men huddled around a small table stacked high with gaming books, dice, miniatures, and soda cans. One man sat separated from the others by a cardboard screen, his dice and papers concealed from their view.

Behind him, crossed swords hung on the wall. A stack of empty pizza boxes was skewered against the wall on his right, the ornate hilt of a sword rising from the edifice. Propped atop the Tower of Pizza, next to more empty soda cans, was a fake skull topped with a wide-brimmed pimp hat banded in white.

The paneled walls were decorated with placards from gaming companies, maps of fantasy worlds, and assorted fantasy gaming pictures and posters.

"CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Cass howled. Leo threw his hands up in defeat and let them fall, clasping them together on the top of his head as he leaned back in his chair. Gary flipped his character sheet to the floor in disgust and the room was momentarily silent.

Cass leveled an accusatory glare at Gary.

"Was there a reason you didn't turn those ghouls? Since that would help us... not die."

"I don't know..." Gary began.

"Hey, guys," Lodge said at the same moment from behind his Game Master's screen. Leo's sarcastic interjection cut them both off.

"Way to detect the trap, Cass. The Grey Mouser would be proud."

"That was an AAAAMMM- _bush_ ," Cass retorted, enunciating the word in as insulting a manner as possible. "Not a trap. Even _you_ should know the difference. Oh, by the way – way to defend the cleric there, Conan. He lived all of... what, six seconds? Real smart, giving them that clear path to the healer."

"Look, Guys..." Lodge tried again to intervene, but was drowned out by Leo's impassioned response to Cass's accusation. Lodge rested his forehead briefly in his right hand as Leo leaned in to growl at Cass.

"I didn't see _you_ helping. I fact, I saw you dying like a whiny. Little. PEASANT."

"Maybe I was dying because our battle turtle wasn't doing his job!"

"How am I supposed to kill everything in the room when I get flanked? _You_ " Leo emphasized, pointing at Cass, "are supposed to keep people off my ass! And _you_ " turning his pointing finger to Gary "are supposed to keep healing me!"

"Which brings me to my lack of powers!" Gary exclaimed, bouncing a wad of paper off the left side of Leo's forehead, "which I didn't have after I _lost_ them!" Gary turned to face Lodge. "Did I mention losing my powers?"

"Guys!!!" Lodge shouted, finally catching their attention. The gamers stopped yelling at one another long enough to regain their solidarity. The change was visible – and instantaneous.

Lodge had added an element of the unexpected, in the hope that his hack-and-slash buddies might finally realize the value of understanding and engaging with the game world. For a split second, as he saw their faces begin to change, he thought they might finally have made the connection. Leo's next words reassured him – that rather than learning anything, his gamers were going to fall back on the oldest answer in gaming: blame the game master. All three turned accusatory eyes on Lodge.

"And if _he_ hadn't cut you off, we totally would have had him."

"Yeah," agreed Gary. "I didn't even know it was possible, cutting off a cleric from his God."

"It's not," Cass confirmed. "Not in the core rules it isn't."

"It fits the story," Lodge countered.

"It doesn't fit the rules!" Cass objected.

"Story trumps rules!" _My God,_ thought Lodge, _what will it take for these mindless little trolls to realize that there is more to gaming than just killing stuff? That the whole point of gaming is...the heart of civilization and cultures going back to time immemorial – the art of people coming together to craft a story!_

" _Again_ with this argument," Cass sighed. When would Lodge figure out that he couldn't just mess with the rules, the structure, the _fabric_ of the gaming universe to satisfy his ridiculous whims to paint rainbows and turn everything into some kind of bedtime story?

Cass and Lodge glowered at one another across the table. A store employee rushed into the room, momentarily diverting their attention as he whispered to Leo, "Boss, we're down to our last copy of _Pizzajitsu_!"

"And of course," moaned Leo, venting his frustration on the store monkey, "I can't expect you to know where we keep our product, seeing as how you work for me."

Leo rose to show the monkey the extra stock – which would be in the same place it had been stored for years, since before the idiot had started working for him. He paused in the doorway long enough to address his fellow gamers.

"Argue on." Leo left the room, store monkey trailing behind him.

"What would you rather have," Lodge stated, more than inquired, in what he assumed was a very reasonable tone of voice. "An original fantasy world with its own mysteries and pitfalls, or just another cookie cutter setting with no real surprises?"

Cass was not willing to cede any ground.

"You should have told us that in your world a cleric could be cut off from his god" he insisted.

"Why should I have told you that?" Lodge asked, genuinely confounded by the idea.

Cass turned to Gary.

"Gary, would you have played a cleric if you knew Lodge was just gonna shut him down?"

"Hell, no!" Gary confirmed.

"That's player knowledge, not character knowledge. You'd know, but your character wouldn't." Lodge tried to sound patient. These guys just couldn't separate themselves from their characters – and yet, they couldn't get inside their characters enough to understand the importance – the _reality_ of their world.

"That is so cheap!" Cass scowled. "Cheap, cheap, cheap!"

"Talk a lot, pick a little more," Gary muttered quickly. _Who knew Gary watched musicals?_ Lodge thought, genuinely astonished, as Cass continued his argument.

"It is not cool to let a character advance that far and pull something that huge on him."

"It was supposed to be a nasty surprise," Lodge explained. "Something you weren't expecting." Couldn't they see that Lodge had given them an opportunity to _stretch_ themselves, to do something _new_ and more interesting than just killing everything they met?

"And _because_ it was so unexpected, the party died. This is what happens when you mess with the rules. What were you _thinking_?" Couldn't he understand that when you start changing the basic rules of the universe, it makes it impossible for people to predict what was going to happen?

"Maybe," growled Lodge, at the end of his tether, "that it would _force you to ROLE PLAY!!!_ "

" _What do you think we were doing?_ " Cass shouted back, just as Leo walked through the door behind him.

"Hey guys, come on....." Leo injected, a little stunned by the intensity of the hostility in the room. "Same time next week?"

"I'm good," Gary answered, glad to see the conversation turn back to something interesting.

"The new expansion for _Samurai Baseball_ comes out on Friday," Leo informed everyone with an eager grin. "Looks very cool – you strike out, you commit seppuku!"

"No," Cass said quietly. "No, we're playing this one again."

"The same campaign?" Leo asked in disbelief.

"We've played it twice already!" Gary protested.

"You guys want to do my campaign again?" Lodge asked hopefully. For a moment, his hopes rose again. Maybe they had figured out they were missing something, and just needed another run at it to work it out.

Gary and Leo responded, simultaneously, in the negative.

"I have a reputation," Cass overrode them. "There is not a game on these shelves that can beat me. So what kind of gamer would I be if I let some unpublished mod get the best of us?"

"Thanks, Cass," Lodge sighed dejectedly. "That's....uh, that's real thoughtful."

##  Chapter 3: Alone In The Dark

Lodge dropped his keys into a pewter goblet on the mantel as he closed the front door.

"Hey Guen," he greeted the black cat who sat comfortably on the table. Lodge turned toward his study, stepping over his roommate who lay in the hallway surrounded by empty beer bottles, the broad stripes on his shirt somehow aligned with the direction of light and shadow from the doorways that lined the passage.

"Hey Mitch" he mumbled. Mitch emitted a muffled "hey" without moving or visibly taking a breath.

Lodge continued on into the room he referred to as his study, home to a cheap bookshelf and a small computer desk. The notes stuck to his monitor had been there so long he no longer noticed them as he turned on the power.

The document looked the same as it had last night. And the night before. And the night before that.

The Mask Of Death

By Kevin Lodge
Chapter 1

Because, of course, he hadn't been able to write _dick_. _Possibly_ , he thought, because _Cass is such a_ _dick_ _!_

"D-i-c-k" Lodge typed. He started at it for a moment, then erased it and retyped it, in italics. As he glared at the monitor, his angry reverie was broken by the ringing of the phone. _This time of night?_ It could only be Gary. Lodge picked up the phone and pressed the button to answer it. Raising the handset to his ear, he moaned "Diii-iiiii-iiii-iiick!"

Gary held the phone out and looked at it for a second in confusion, then raised it back to his ear. "God!" he exclaimed. "I don't know why that keeps happening! Listen, we need two more players."

Lodge could hear Leo and Cass in the background. Seriously? Were they still at the store playing games?

"Dude, I've got work in the morning"

"No, Dick, for your campaign. It's why we keep dying. We need a more well-rounded party. There's only so much damage three mad hombres can do, right?"

For a moment, Lodge considered the logic. Perhaps adding different players could tip the balance... He was skeptical, but supposed it couldn't hurt. In the background, he heard dice, and the sound of Cass exclaiming "Buh-BYE Caesar. Didn't see _that one_ coming, didja?"

"Are you guys still gaming?" he asked Gary.

"We're playing Time Felons. You get to go back through time and... and beat the crap out of historical figures. I...I totally bushwhacked Lincoln!" Gary exulted.

"Don't you have class in the morning?" Lodge asked incredulously.

"Yeah, in like five hours, why?"

The sounds of the game continued unabated. "Take that, Jesus!!" Leo cried amid the sound of rolling dice and celebration.

"Listen, I gotta go – it's almost my turn." As Gary hung up the phone, Lodge heard Leo in the background gloating "Who's the Messiah _now_?"

##  Chapter 4: Aarrrbuck's

"I am never going to finish this freaking module." Lodge took a gulp from the paper coffee cup.

"Party die again?" Mark asked sympathetically.

"They don't try anything new, and then they blame me when they die!" He popped the top off of his coffee cup and hurled it onto the table. "Ungrateful munchkins...." Having created some room in the cup, Lodge filled it with Mountain Doom soda and replaced the lid. "I'm really kind of pissed off."

"And that has nothing to do with your writer's block..." Mark remarked pointedly.

"I do _not_ have writer's block!" Lodge said emphatically. He set the soda can on the table with equal emphasis and continued. "I know exactly how the story ends. I just... don't know how to get there."

"Obviously, neither do your players."

_You've got me there,_ Lodge thought. "How am I supposed to finish a module based on an adventure if we never finish the adventure?" he whined.

"Just run them through it until they win. Or your head explodes." Lodge wondered which was likely to occur first.

"We're going to start all over again once we have a few new players." Sure. Except that nobody would play with them. Lodge had called most of his old college friends to see if anyone was open for a game. He had already approached more than a dozen regular players, and none would get anywhere near his group. He couldn't really blame them – after all, he _liked_ the guys, and look how crazy it made him to game with them.

Even Miles - who had always been desperate to game with the big-time dungeon crawlers - had given him some lame excuse about being busy at work. A few days later, as Lodge continued to call around desperately for gamers, someone mentioned that Miles was a member of a regular group over at the Wyrmhole. _Way to stand by your college pals, Miles._

Lodge stared at Mark for a moment, remembering their college friends. Mark had gamed in a different circle, but they had run into one another at the gaming store near campus. That's when it struck him. Mark!

"Mark!" The word escaped his lips before it had fully registered on his mind. "Mark, why don't you join? I mean, you used to game all the time in college!

Mark froze briefly, and quietly replied, "I haven't gamed since... the Incident."

"Total party wipeout?" Lodge had heard something about it – a girl in their dorm had been mad about the noise, the game had been interrupted somehow – but he wasn't really sure of the details. Just that Mark was the only member of their group that had ever been seen on campus again.

"Like you can't even imagine" Mark mumbled bleakly. A shadow fell over his face as he gazed sightlessly into the past, his party's screams as clear in his mind as if it had been yesterday. No, Mark would not be joining the crew.

It took Lodge a moment to realize that it was a _genuine_ shadow that had fallen over Mark's face. Cass had sauntered up while they spoke, looming over their table and blocking the sun.

"Hey, Cass," Lodge said without enthusiasm.

"Lodge," Cass acknowledged. "Mark!" he said, shaking Mark's hand. "I haven't seen you in forever. It's like I forget you even exist..."

"I get that a lot" Mark acknowledged without rancor.

For a moment, both men's faces were quizzical. Cass, however, had more important topics to discuss than nobodies who didn't even game any more. He turned to Lodge.

"Ah - I found one of the newbies."

"Do I know him?" Lodge replied.

"Her. Joanna keeps bugging me to get her involved, so I figure we make her a fighter. It's easy enough to play."

"Joanna?" Lodge repeated dazedly. "Your ex, Joanna?"

Cass and Joanna had dated for a while in college. Lodge had never understood what a remarkable woman like her was doing putting up with a guy like Cass. He'd always thought she deserved someone more...sensitive. Someone who would value her intellect and compassion and...competence. He was pretty sure Cass didn't even know she possessed them. It hadn't surprised him when she had broken up with Cass, but he had never understood why – or how! – she had remained cordial with him. They even still hung out sometimes. Lodge wasn't really able to imagine what it would be like to hang out with Cass if you were neither dating nor gaming. He wasn't sure Cass was able to, either.

Lodges eyes were drawn away from Cass, and he stared enrapt at the fair-haired woman who approached them. "She'll be joining us...?" Lodge finished.

"Yes," Joanna arrived just in time to answer for herself. "Finally," she said, casting a significant, yet good-natured look at Cass.

Cass noted Lodge's odd expression, mistaking it for skepticism. "What's wrong, Lodge? Never played with a girl before? See you scrubs tomorrow." He popped the lid off his coffee cup as he finished, bouncing it off Lodge's forehead, then headed for the door.

"Apparently, we're leaving." Joanna apologized to Lodge. "See you at Leo's... I'll try not to slow things down too much."

Slow things down... slow things down... Lodge tried to slow his heart down, and suddenly realized that Joanna was leaving and he hadn't yet spoken a word to her. As Joanna turned to go, he leapt up from his chair, grabbing his backpack. Fortunately, the Player's Handbook was on top, so it didn't take him long to find.

"Oh – it's...uh... Here... uh....Player's Handbook. It's got...uh... all the rules, everything you need to know." He stammered. _You finally opened your mouth, and you can't even make complete sentences. Gods, you are such an_ idiot _!!_

"Thanks, Kevin!" Joanna replied brightly. "I'll look it over." Lodge stared hazily after her as she bounded off after Cass. Mark interrupted his reverie.

"Kevin? Who the hell is Kevin?"

" _I'm_ Kevin!!" Lodge spat, as annoyed by the question as by the interruption.

"You have a first name?" Mark wondered aloud. Kevin drank his coffee and smiled to himself. Who cared if Mark knew his name – _Joanna_ had remembered it...

##  Chapter 5: A Matter Of Characters

Joanna stared up at the sign. It read 'Game Matrix' in letters crafted to look like an LCD. She wasn't sure whether she thought it was really cool that Leo was living every day with the things he loved most – or if it was really sad that Leo spent all of his time surrounded by his fantasy world, and didn't seem to have any life in _this_ world. Maybe a little of both...

Or maybe she was being a little too judgmental. After all, Leo owned his own business, had good friends – just because she wasn't aware of him having a girlfriend didn't mean he wasn't living a full life. Heck, for all she knew, Leo didn't even care for girls....

She shook her head, and realized she was also shaking Cass's commentaries on his friends out of her mind. She was looking forward to spending time with their old college friends, and maybe even understanding this gaming thing that Cass had obsessed about for as long as she had known him. Cass liked to believe that it was gaming that came between them. It wasn't, of course, but it was an explanation he could understand. And maybe, if she could understand this side of him... Well – maybe nothing.

Maybe she had best get inside, if she didn't want them to start without her. Joanna marched purposefully into the store.

An employee leaned on the counter, staring into space. Joanna looked down the aisle and saw the door to the back room, just as Cass had described. She strode confidently toward the game room.

A teenage boy she hadn't really seen looked up from a gaming book he had been studying. Several more heads popped out from between the various racks and shelves. The employee stood up straight, his eyes following Joanna until she was out of sight. None of them spoke a word, nor dared to breathe too loudly as they studied her, trying to imagine her in the outfits worn by the animated girls in their various favorite anime and video game series.

Joann entered the back room without realizing she was being followed by a half-dozen pairs of eyes.

* * * *

"All right, whatcha got?" she heard Kevin's familiar voice ask as she neared the doorway.

"Half breed," someone answered.

"Loot the room, or kick in the door?" Kevin queried.

"Kickin' down the door," the other voice announced gleefully as Joanna entered the room.

"Hey – all right – that's everybody" Lodge proclaimed, without greeting her. For a moment, Joanna was tempted to be miffed, but she set it aside. She'd heard enough from Cass to know that she wouldn't get anywhere being girly or dainty about manners. If she had been Cass, that's exactly how her entrance would have been greeted, right? She decided instead to be glad Lodge had treated her like 'just one of the guys.' She looked around the room as she headed for the only open chair. Cass, Leo, Kevin - the other voice had belonged to Gary, whom she vaguely remembered. He'd been a couple of years behind them, and she thought he was probably still in school.

Leo looked up quizzically as she sat down. "Where's player number five?" he asked.

"There is no fifth player," Lodge answered.

"You said you were going to get us another player, Lodge."

"I asked fifteen people, all regulars. Apparently," he cast a significant glance in Cass's direction, "we have a reputation." Joanna wasn't sure what that meant, but judging from Kevin's tone of voice, it wasn't anything good.

"What did I tell you?" Cass bragged. "You make one eleven year old cry, and they stop bugging you." Cass and Gary exchanged a high-five.

"We still need another player," Leo pointed out.

"I've taken care of it," Lodge assured them. "Now, this is a mid-level campaign, so we'll be starting at 9th level."

Cass handed a piece of paper across the Game Master's screen to Lodge. "Here's Jo's character." _God I hate it when he calls me that! Wait... what?!_

"What are you doing?" she asked Cass, infuriated.

"I made a character for you."

"I want to play my own character!"

"I know," Cass replied, speaking to her as though she were a child. Again. What an annoying habit. "That's why I made you one."

"You think I can't make my own character?"

"Look, it's nothing personal. You're going to be our fighter, there are certain requirements you have to meet."

"Like what?" As if she weren't competent enough to read the book and figure out how to make a character for his dumb game.

"Well," Cass began. "The fighter has to be the strongest guy in the party..." he said, punctuating the point with an outstretched index finger. Gary mimicked the gesture, waving his finger immediately behind Cass' as Joanna worked hard to keep from scowling at them both.

"Has to have a high armor class..." Cass continued, shaking his index finger at her again. Gary held out two fingers, counting off the points as Cass _lectured_ her! Joanna resisted the urge to slap both of their hands.

"And hit points out the ass." Shake. Three fingers from Gary. Joanna - _Jo_ \- briefly considered breaking Cass's outstretched finger.

"And that's what I made for you." As if what he had made was somehow innately better than what she had worked so hard on. She had read the instructions, thought it carefully through, and was confident her fighter was as good as his. Well, ok – maybe he did have a few years of gaming on her, but still, it's not like her fighter would be _so_ bad in comparison.

_He always does this to me – gest me worked up so that I lose my temper and don't just stop and think! Not any more – I am_ not _going to let him goad me into a fight in front of Kev... in front of all of his gaming buddies! Now, what would be the reasonable thing to do here?_ Joanna decided the reasonable course would be to look at the character so she could decide which one she thought was better – thoughtfully, and sensibly.

"Let me see that" she said, not quite managing to sound thoughtful and sensible. She took the character sheet from Lodge and scanned it. "'Bikini Mail?'"

"Mm hmm," Cass murmured, nodding.

"What the hell is Bikini Mail?" Joanna asked.

"Only the very best armor a woman can wear!" Cass declared enthusiastically.

"There's a picture of it right here!" Gary offered, holding up a fantasy magazine of some sort. Joanna didn't really notice what it was - her eyes were drawn straight to the image of a busty barbarian wearing some sort of... chainmail bikini. She glowered at it for a moment, debating whether it was worth explaining all of the reasons that the armor was impractical.

She gave up, dismissing it with a simple "that looks like it chafes" and turning her gaze back to the character sheet Cass had provided. She almost had her temper back under control until...

"She fights with a _broad_ sword?"

"Broad....sword..." Cass smirked, smothering a giggle.

"I _get_ it," Joanna retorted, sighing at the adolescent humor. She turned her eyes to Lodge imploringly. "Kevin, help me out here."

The guys' eyes all turned to Lodge as Cass repeated "'Kevin?'"

"Wait..." Gary stuttered. "Your name is _Kevin_?"

Leo stopped working on his character sheet long enough to ask, "You _have_ a first name?"

_Could these guys_ be _any more annoying?_ Lodge wondered. "Guys, if Joanna made a character, she gets to play it."

"I agree with you in principal," Cass said. He paused, ostensibly to scratch his nose, but mostly to emphasize his next word. " _Kevin_." Cass paused again, to be sure the needling took hold. "But she is new, and I don't want her to die just because she's inexperienced."

"What makes you think I'm gonna die?" Joanna asked. She was beginning to remember all of the reasons she had broken up with him, and she was pretty sure gaming had nothing to do with it...

"History. New guy always dies." Cass said with confidence.

Gary nodded emphatically while Leo pointedly refused to look up from his character sheet.

"That is _so_ true." Gary affirmed. "Remember the time that those halfling pirates made him walk the plank...?"

"Shut up," Leo ordered, without looking up.

"Or that time those gnome shopkeepers ambushed...."

"Shut _up_!" Leo interrupted, again without looking up.

"Or that asthmatic six-year-old princess..."

Leo looked up then, grabbing the front of Gary's t-shirt and pulling him partway out of his chair. "Shut UP!!" he growled, as Gary smiled smugly back at him.

"I flipped through that handbook." Joanna cut in, hoping to avoid bloodshed. "I think I got the gist of it - it doesn't seem that hard," she stated, as Gary stuck his finger in Leo's ear.

"OK," Cass challenged. "Let's see _your_ character then." Joanna handed the page to Cass.

"Uh – what's your strength bonus?" asked Lodge, as Cass took the sheet of paper.

"She doesn't have one," Joanna replied. "Her highest stat is her intelligence. I put her other bonuses in dexterity and charisma."

"Charisma?!" Cass exclaimed incredulously, setting the page down. The three guys waved their hands in the air and derisively squealed "wheeee!"

"No strength bonus, no constitution bonus. How many hit points does she have?" Cass continued.

"Let's see." Joanna took the sheet back, picking it up from where it lay atop Cass's books. "45."

"Oh... 45 hit points."

"Mmm hmm," Joanna replied, trying to mimic Cass's response about the broadsword.

Cass looked at Lodge. "A 9th level fighter with 45 hit points? Oh, yeah, she's _really_ gonna protect the party." Lodge looked back and forth from Cass to Joanna, uncertain. Cass was probably right – but Joanna had clearly worked hard on her character and was very proud of it. Hopefully, once the game got going the two of them would cool down a little....

"I put all her other feats in speed and precision," Joanna explained. "That's why intelligence is much more important than strength."

"They would be..." Cass intoned, in that annoying talking-to-a-child voice again. "If you were a wizard. But you're not. You're a fighter. A fighter with a giant 'kill me' sign on her back."

"With her charisma, she should be able to talk her way out of most fights" she explained with confident pride. The guys looked blankly back at her. Gary attempted to speak, but no words came out. He gaped, his mouth working like a goldfish.

"What?" Joanna asked. "Negotiating isn't your style?"

"Not exactly, no." Annoyance fought with the desire to laugh as Leo worked to keep the derision out of his voice. Thankfully, Cass picked it up for him.

"Our philosophy is, beat it until it stops moving."

"And then shoot it," Leo finished.

"And then step on its nads!" Gary added.

"Calm down, Gary" Cass said dismissively, then turned his attention to Joanna, picking up her character sheet. " _If_ you play this character, you _are_ going to die."

"I spent two hours on this character, and I'm going to play her, ok?" Even Cass understood that it wasn't a question.

"OK," Cass replied as Joanna snatched the sheet out of his hand. "And _when_ you die, you can play bikini babe."

"Fine," Joanna muttered.

"Why'd you two break up again?" Gary asked curiously.

Lodge moved quickly to cut him off. "Gary! Character."

"I'm a _wild_ mage..." Gary told Lodge, then turned to face Leo. "WILD!!" He exclaimed. "But you losers can call me 'sorceress.' "

Leo stared at him.

"Yes, that's right" Gary said, leaning back in his chair, "I'm playing a chick." Gary rubbed his hands in circles on his t-shirt, fondling his imaginary breasts.

Lodge stifled a moan, wondering which would be more painful – Gary's caricature of how a girl would behave, or Gary constantly forgetting that he was _playing_ a female at all.

"Dude, are you hot?" Leo asked eagerly. _So much for Cass's comments on Leo's sexuality,_ thought Joanna as Lodge winced behind his GM screen.

"Seventeen charisma!" Gary proclaimed triumphantly.

"Do you want to have sex?"

"Totally!"

"Awesome! I seduce him! Her." He announced to Lodge. Leo rolled a die. When it came to a stop, he and Gary both cheered loudly. "Yeah!" Leo celebrated. "Oh, I could totally seduce any homophobe with that roll!!"

"We haven't _started_ yet." Lodge pointed out, casting a mortified glance in Joanna's direction. "You guys haven't _met_."

"Yeah... all right," Leo conceded. "Bone ya later," he assured Gary.

"I'll be waiting, man-meat!" Gary promised.

"After we've started. Please." Lodge entreated. "Leo, I assume you're playing a fighter again?"

"Actually," Leo corrected, "I'm going as a bard."

"Really?" Lodge looked at Leo, intrigued. "That's a bit of a jump for you. You've only played fighters before..." he pointed out skeptically.

"How different can they be?" Gary raised his eyebrows as Lodge gaped, speechless. Cass stepped into the gap.

"I'm playing a monk." He held out his character sheet to Lodge, who began, instinctively to reach for it, then stopped, realizing what he had just heard.

A _monk_? Joanna wondered if she had heard correctly. "What's he gonna do, copy manuscripts?" she asked with a giggle.

"Think kung fu monk, Grasshopper," Leo clarified.

"Oh." OK – that made more sense. Sort of. She looked at Lodge. "That doesn't seem to fit, does it?"

Kevin didn't look at her when he answered. He was too busy glaring at Cass. "No, it doesn't. I told you guys that there are no monks in my world." Cass shook the character sheet, insisting that Lodge accept it.

"No monks," Joanna echoed, enjoying seeing Mister Know-It-All on the other end of the skewer.

"I told _you_ " Cass replied in a smug tone that he knew Lodge would find condescending, "that if we're playing by 3rd edition rules, I can play any basic character class. And monk..." Cass picked up his leather bound Special Edition Player's Handbook. He had been ready for this fight, and the ribbon bookmark marked the page he needed. He opened it, and turned it around to face lodge with a high pitched Bruce Lee-style 'wwwwwaaaaa!' "...is a basic character class."

Lodge attempted to sound patient as he explained. "I based my world on a fantasized _western_ medieval period. There were no - 'wwwwwaaaaa!' - kung fu monks in Western Europe!"

"If Jo can play any character she wants," Cass argued, "I can play any character I want. I'm asking to play a basic character class, and you're blocking me. You're breaking the rules. Again. I play a monk, or I don't play." Cass indicated the rest of the group. "And they don't play."

"I play." Joanna wasn't about to let Cass speak for her. Besides, he was being a jerk.

"No, you don't," Cass corrected.

_The nerve of him_! Joanna looked at Lodge. "Yes, I do." Was gaming always this tense?

Just then, Gary picked up a funny looking little dinosaur– where had he got that?! – travelled it through the air between the two men in an imitation of something Joanna was pretty sure she had seen on TV once....

"Fine," Lodge conceded. "You can play a monk, but he's got to fit the world. He's got to be a _western_ monk." Lodge made a buzzing sound and mimicked shaving his head in the style of a European tonsured monk. "Occidental. Do you think you can handle that?"

"Of course."

"Good. Now is there anything else?"

"No, No, That's it."

"All right." _Fine_ , thought Lodge. _Whatever. If we can just get to the adventure._

"Oh," Cass said, as though just remembering something. "I'm also playing an elf."

Lodge fumed, his face reddening. "What? No, you're not!"

"Yes," Cass replied. "I am."

"I told you guys," Lodge all but shouted apoplectically, "this is an all human campaign. There are no elves in my world!"

"And _I_ told _you_ that elf is a basic character race. And since we're playing by the game rules..."

"Can't hear you – the adventure's starting!" Lodge talked over Cass in an attempt to drown him out. Cass continued speaking. "Adventure!" Lodge repeated, and began loudly singing what Joanna soon realized was a play on an old pop song.

"When a monster comes along, you must stab it! When you face the evil throng..." Cass continued to argue. Joanna put her hand over his mouth.

Clearly this song was an old standby in this group, Joanna realized as Gary joined in.

"You must stab it!" Gary and Lodge sang together. "You know your sword is nice and long - why don't you stab it? Stab it! In the neck! You should make - a Dex check! Five foot forward! Remove its head! Decapitate!" Leo joined in. "And stab it dead!"

Joanna smiled – maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all....

##  Chapter 6: The Adventure Begins

" _We begin in the throne room, where the three of you have answered a summons to the king...."_

The resplendent warrior Daphne, renowned bard Flynn the Fine, and the unpredictable mage called only Luster stood respectfully before the throne as a herald announced, "His Royal Majesty, King Erasmus the Randomly Biased!" The would-be heroes bowed, and the King looked each of them briefly in the eyes as he began to speak.

"There is a great evil in our land: the vile necromancer Mort Kemnon. Daily, his power grows stronger. And yet it appears as if our goddess has forsaken us, for she answers not our prayers."

Flynn gazed lustfully at the scantily-clad mage. He'd certainly look forward to knowing her better. The warrior wasn't bad-looking, but she looked a little prissy – she had that 'Lawful Good' aura going. His attention returned to the mage.

" _Now can I seduce her?" Leo whined._

" _In the middle of the throne room?!" asked Lodge in amazement._

" _Why not? We've started." Well, he had rolled successfully, hadn't he?_

The bard handed his mandolin to the astonished Daphne. He made eye contact with the mage, then snapped his fingers three times – first at himself, next at her, and finally at a small wooden half-wall designed to separate observers from those attending audiences with the King. The mage leapt eagerly into his arms and they ran off to the somewhat-concealed location.

"Mort Kemnon has discovered an evil artifact" the King continued, ignoring them. "An accursed item known as the Mask of Death. Find him and kill him. Bring me that Mask, so that its evil may not spread across our land." Daphne tried not to look over her shoulder at Flynn and Luster, mostly succeeding in listening courteously to the King.

"Floppenwrist!" the King called, "The Staff!"

The herald stepped forward, offering Daphne a carved wooden pole wrapped in thread. She set Flynn's mandolin down so that she could accept the rod from the Herald, and eyed the carved wood curiously.

"I present to you this Staff of Resurrection. If one of your party should fall during the quest, it need not be their end." Daphne studied the staff respectfully.

" _How many charges does it have?" asked Cass._

" _Seven" Lodge informed him._

"Go forth, noble heroes!" the King commanded. "May Therin light your way!"

The King glared impatiently, trying hard to look regal while the bard and mage returned to flank Daphne. Flynn tugged his tunic back into place as he retrieved his mandolin.

"Go forth, noble heroes!" the King repeated. "May Therin light your way!" This time, Daphne led them from the room and headed for the city gates. Mort Kemnon certainly wouldn't be found here in Whitetower, and Daphne had no desire to let these two find an inn. Or a pub. Or worse...

* * * *

The city is near to bursting with a flood of refugees. You hear mutters of "Mort Kemnon" as they shuffle towards the safety of the castle.

Peasants wandered in and out of the town gate, a sturdy wooden structure supported by strong stone towers. _Damn peasants are everywhere_ , Luster thought, shoving two more out of her path. As they exited the gate, a farmer hawked vegetables to passersby. "Corn! Celery! Oranges! Fresh bread! Onions! Cabbages!" he cried to all who would listen. Then that naïve twit Daphne made eye contact with him. "The finest cabbages in the land!" he said, directly to her.

* * * *

"I want to talk to the farmer" Joanna said.

"Why?" asked a dumbfounded Leo.

"Well, if he's from out of town, he might be able to tell us where the evil wizard is."

"That's a great idea" Cass said to Joanna.

"Thanks!" she replied, brightening.

"Except that it sucks." Joanna's smile faded. "There is no way that he'd know where Mort Kemnon is."

"Why not?"

"He's a random NPC."

"And as we all know," Lodge added, clearly annoyed, "my NPCs are cardboard cutouts."

Joanna looked around questioningly. "NPC?"

Cass cleared his throat and explained in that annoyingly patient tone of voice, "non-player character."

"Oh, right. Which, of course, I'm supposed to know" snapped Joanna. _I hate it when he talks to me like I'm a child!_

"Don't worry about it." Leo tried to be reassuring. "You don't need anything from him. We know where we're going."

"No, you don't," Lodge spat, still annoyed.

"We've done the adventure," each of the three guys stabbed two fingers in the air as Leo spoke. "Twice before. We need to go to the mountains."

"Your _characters_ don't know where to go." For God's sake – for such smart people, sometimes these guys were the biggest _morons_! Did they not realize that Flynn and Luster were entirely new characters, who wouldn't know anything about their prior adventures?

"Are you saying there's not an adventure hook in the mountains?" Gary asked accusingly.

"Yes," Lodge replied, then realized his mistake. "No. It's beside the point!"

"And the point is..." Cass added " _beside the mountains_. Off we go!"

"I still want to talk to him," Joanna insisted. "It's what my character would do."

* * * *

Luster and Flynn stood impatiently by the side of the road as Daphne wasted time chatting up the big oaf of a farmer.

"How long have you been in town, my friend?" she asked, as though he were someone who mattered.

"Oh, scarcely a day, my lady." The farmer leaned in confidentially. "There are goblins in the mountains, you know."

Boring! Gary complained.

"Have you heard anything strange in your travels?" she inquired. "Rumors about where Mort Kemnon might be?" The farmer cringed at the name.

"I believe the adventure is that way!" Flynn said loudly, pointing toward the mountains.

"My, those mountains look quest-worthy!" Luster echoed, pointing more or less in the same general direction.

"The sooner you tell me what you know," Daphne addressed the farmer, "the sooner you can safely return to your land." Luster threw up her arms in disgust and began to cast a spell.

"Well," answered the farmer, "it may be nothing, but I've heard that things are not right in Westha...." Daphne snapped back as the farmer exploded in a ball of flame. Luster – now looking an awful lot like Gary in a bad wig – dusted his hands as nearby peasants ran away from the commotion.

* * * *

Leaning back from the table, Gary dusted his hands with a satisfied smile as Lodge and Joanna stared in shock and anger.

"What the hell did you just cast?" Lodge asked loudly.

"Flaming Hand of Fiery Doom" Gary answered proudly.

"On a farmer?" Joanna asked, appalled.

"You cast a fourth-level spell on a zero-level peasant?" Lodge clarified, equally appalled.

"Yeah," Gary smiled.

"Waffle!" declared Cass.

"Total waffle," Leo agreed. Gary raised both hands, one facing to each side, allowing Cass and Leo to deliver simultaneous high-fives.

"That spell is for killing demons!" Lodge protested.

Joanna looked to Lodge. "I'm Lawful Good. Am I morally obliged to kill him now?"

Lodge was too intent on Gary to respond. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"I was just trying to get on with the story!" Gary said with overdone innocence.

Joanna turned to Gary. "How are we supposed to trust you?" Gary looked mystified, clearly not understanding what that had to do with anything. "We've just met! And the first thing you do, after boinking a stranger in the presence of the king, is to murder a peasant because you were bored?"

"I'm Chaotic Neutral," Gary defended. "I'm just playing my alignment..."

"Bull-" Lodge caught himself, remembering that there was a lady present. "...plop, Gary. That was a decidedly evil act!"

"You know," Joanna said, glaring at Gary, "I think I _am_ morally obliged to kill him now."

"One more of those" Lodge warned, "and I'm shifting your alignment to Chaotic Evil. Got it?"

"Got it," Gary sulked. After a moment, he asked "How much experience do I get for the farmer?"

Leo tried not to let Lodge see him laugh...

* * * *

A pair of smoldering low-heeled leather boots were all that remained of the farmer.

" _Gary, are you forgetting something?" Lodge prompted_

Luster reached for Daphne's cheek. "Oh..." he said, "you've got some peasant on your face..." He pulled it free and tossed it away as Daphne cringed in revulsion.

" _Like what" Gary asked innocently._

A frightening-looking priest approached. A long knife was tucked into the belt of his red velvet robes. His skull was bald, his only visible hair a small goatee, of the sort worn by insecure teenagers trying to prove they are men. He was flanked by two paladins. Despite the Sunburst of Therin they all displayed, Luster thought this priest looked like the sort of creepy guy who would travel with a pet krenshar hidden in the treeline or something. Luster looked around, eyeing the underbrush suspiciously.

Tall and Creepy stopped in front of them, holding his hand before him in the gesture Flynn always thought of as "Therin's A-OK." It seemed that her priests and followers used it for everything - greetings, spells, curses...

"Hail, Flynn the Fine," the creepy guy intoned in an even creepier deep voice.

"Hail, random creepy knife guy," Flynn replied, as the party members all attempted variations of the A-OK.

" _Dumbass, bardic knowledge" Lodge reminded Leo._

"Oh - Right!" Flynn recovered. "You are totally...."

The Lord High Inquisitor

"The Lord High Inquisitor"

" _Of the Grand Illuminated Holy Order of Therin"_

Flynn paused. "What he said. Hail!"

"The Hierophant begs an audience" the Inquisitor stated, in a tone that didn't sound at all like a request. It made Luster very nervous.

"Listen," a flustered Luster exhorted. "If this is about that farmer, I totally thought he was a demon."

The Inquisitor never removed his eyes from Flynn's as he commanded, "follow us."

"No, no seriously," Luster babbled. "Uh... he was talking about... there's, like, a hell gate in one of these things" he said, picking a cabbage apart desperately.

"Uh... Seriously, no, it's in here somewhere. He was... he had the horns... and the fangs... and then he said he was gonna... uh... pee fire on us. I had no choice. I had to like... I did this thing... I was like... and I was like - Boom! I'm pretty sure he was eating a baby. It was pretty awful." Luster realized he was standing alone. "Woah – hey, we should take these!" He snatched up the farmer's smoldering boots and rushed off to catch up with the party.

"If this is about that farmer...."

* * * *

The Inquisitor leads you into the heart of the Cathedral, where the Grand Hierophant of Therin himself awaits you.

A column of priestesses flanked the carpet leading to the dais from which the Grand Hierophant presided. The Inquisitor stepped to his customary place near the bottom of the stairs, clearly ready to leap to the Hierophant's side if needed.

The Hierophant's rich robes were the colors of Therin's cleansing Light, and he wore the sunburst amulet borne by all of Therin's clerics. His staff of office was crowned with a warm amber gem, which reflected the sunlight in ways Daphne had never seen before.

"Our goddess thanks you for meeting us ere you continue your journey," the Hierophant droned in greeting.

"It is our honor, Your Grace." Daphne was truly humbled to be in the presence of the Grand Hierophant of the Goddess of Light.

Luster's eyes locked on the warm light of the gem atop the Hierophant's staff.

" _What is that" Gary asked covetously._

" _The Heart of Therin. Legend says the gem is composed of solid light."_

" _Could I steal it?" Gary wondered aloud._

" _Well, considering that it's one of the holiest symbols of the church, and the cathedral is swarming with paladins, that would most likely be suicide. Go right ahead." At that moment, Lodge really wished he would._

"What is that heavenly music?" Flynn asked in a distracted tone of voice as he listened, enrapt.

"The Hymn to Therin," the priestess replied. "It calls to our goddess."

The priestess's voice brought Flynn back to the moment. He eyed her appraisingly.

" _I seduce the priestess"_

" _She's taken a vow of celibacy!"_

" _Dude, twenty ranks in seduction!"_

"Hey baby," Flynn oozed to the priestess. "Wanna tune my mandolin?"

Daphne was certain she heard the distant sound of dice rolling as the Priestess took Flynn by the hand and fled the room.

Sighing, Daphne addressed the Hierophant. "Please understand, the horny bard does not represent us." _Well, maybe him...er, her..._ she thought, eyeing Luster out of the corner of her eye.

The Hierophant stepped down from the dais, handing his scepter to the Inquisitor.

"There are those who say that Therin has abandoned us in this dark time. Rest assured, she watches us always."

Flynn returned, and he and Luster shared a high five over Daphne's head. Daphne took careful note of how quickly Flynn always seemed to return from these encounters, and came to her own conclusions about Leo's sex life.

"Nevertheless," the Hierophant continued, "we shall send two of our own order to ensure your safety."

A paladin and a monk entered the room and stood before the Hierophant, facing the party. The paladin stood with his head bowed, his face buried behind a cascade of blonde hair that Buffy would have envied. Beside him stood a monk in saffron robes, with oddly pointed ears.

"Brother Silence," The Hierophant introduced the monk. "A most stubborn monk... who is NOT an elf!" Silence was anything but silent as the Hierophant tore his pointed ear-tips off. Daphne, Flynn, and Luster stifled laughter as Silence rubbed his ears in pain.

"And," continued the Hierophant, "Sir Osric the Chaste, our most noble paladin." Osric lifted his head, holding his blond mane aside to reveal his face. Daphne showed surprise, the other party members only annoyance.

* * * *

"Oh, great," Leo moaned, "a babysitter." _So that's what Lodge had meant when he said he had it covered._

"What?" Gary cried in outrage. _A Game Master player character?!_

"You have got to be kidding me," Cass added. _The little control freak is going to make sure we don't have_ any _fun._

"Lodge," Leo spoke for all of them. "You are such a douche."

* * * *

Daphne waved happily at Osric as the Hierophant continued. "Sir Osric will assure that you shall never stray from the paths of goodness and law." 

##  Chapter 7: Meditating At The Temple Of The Moon

You strike out for the mountains. The road winds higher through the foothills, and after a day you have reached the foot of the pass. At the edge of a thick forest, a sign catches your eye.

The party had fallen into a steady routine, the agile Silence leading the way, followed by the beautiful warrior, then the audacious bard. This left Osric trailing the troublesome mage. Osric had immense concerns about him – her. He had not been made more comfortable by the discovery that the mage's weathered footwear consisted of booty boots pilfered from the body of a murdered farmer.

It was late in the day, and thus far, their journey had been uneventful. By nightfall, Osric calculated, they should reach Mudhollow. Tall pines flanked a trail that ran between sheer slopes. Two signs guarded the trailhead. The first read "Westhaven" – their ultimate destination - and pointed along the trail. The other read "Beewair thu Goblins."

The group surveyed the signs, and wordlessly agreed – they would proceed, but cautiously, expecting the sort of ambush the cowardly green creatures favored.

After a few hours, you come to a clearing in the pass. In the middle stands a twisted goblin totem.

The heroes stared at the twisted wooden sculpture. Its base was ringed with human skeletons, seated with their spines against the totem. Bright yellow flowers surrounded the clearing, but stopped suddenly some distance away, leaving a wide clear space around the vile symbol.

"Perhaps we could...sneak around...?" Daphne suggested uncertainly.

"Not a chance," Luster opined. "It's a trap."

"Not nece..." Osric began. He stopped suddenly, glancing at the fair warrior maid, and began again in a deeper and more...reassuring... voice. "Not necessarily."

"It's always a trap," the bard declared decisively.

Brother Silence removed the prayer beads from his neck and wrapped them around his wrist.

Cass paused for a moment, trying to decide how he wanted Silence to sound. He finally settled on what he figured was a cross between Kwai Chang Caine and that guy who narrates the true crime shows.

"Doubtless, the goblins are merely waiting for an excuse."

Daphne and Osric glanced around anxiously. The woods appeared empty. The guys chuckled as Flynn splattered a tomato against the totem.

"What are you doing?" Osric demanded. _Hey, wait..._ "Where did you get that tomato?"

"Hello," Flynn replied, "I'm a bard!" _Duh_.

Silence karate-chopped a bit of wood off the carved totem. "I got your gob-dong!" he exulted. On closer examination, it appeared to be a misshapen goblinoid nose. Well – that was disappointing.

Osric was uneasy. Goblins or no, this _was_ a religious symbol. "Is this wise?" he asked.

Daphne was a bit more direct. "Are you _trying_ to kill us?" she asked accusingly.

"You know," Luster addressed Silence, "I believe that is a totem to a Goblin god."

"Really? What kind of god?"

"A god of the moon, I believe."

"A god of the moon, you say..."

"Indeed, I do."

"Well," Silence inquired. "How do you worship a god of the moon?"

"Ah...With my cute little tuschie!" Daphne and Osric cringed as Luster mooned the totem. "An offering!" Luster cried, farting loudly.

The Goblin Queen burst forth out of the bushes, raising a barbed horn to her lips and blowing a long, low note. Dozens of goblins poured into the clearing from the trees, surrounding the heroes. They brandished spears and bows as the Goblin Queen raised her scepter and waved it menacingly.

"They're so angry!" Daphne observed fearfully.

"I wonder why," Osric observed wryly, twirling his favorite sword. "We only farted on god."

Daphne was reassured to find that Osric agreed with her. Perhaps she didn't look like a total amateur.

"Perhaps we can negotiate!" Daphne cried hopefully, with a friendly wave at the goblins. They didn't seem very responsive. She and Osric turned until their backs rested lightly against each other. Silence and Luster stood back to back nearby.

"Don't worry," Flynn reassured them, confidently taking his mandolin in hand as he stepped between the two pairs of wary combatants. He patted Daphne's shoulder reassuringly as he passed. "I got it. I'll totally pacify them with bardic music." Flynn began to play, singing "Dear goblin friends, dear goblin friends, please hear my song..."

A row of goblins, hearing his song, let loose a flight of arrows. Flynn's chest erupted in feathered shafts as he fell to the ground.

The goblins cheer sounded, to Daphne's ears, suspiciously like a warped version of several people squealing "wheeee!" in high-pitched voices...

* * * *

Lodge rolled dice behind the Game Master's screen. "Yeah.... Yeah, you're dead."

Gary produced a stopwatch that Joanna hadn't noticed before. "29 minutes, 42 seconds. A new personal best Leo!"

Leo glared back at him. "There are so many places I could stick that stopwatch."

"All right, everybody," Lodge intervened. "Roll inish."

Joanna looked around questioningly as the guys all rolled dice. Cass sighed deeply, noticing Joanna's confusion. "Initiative," he explained.

"Oh, right! To see who goes first." Joanna remembered reading about this. "I roll one of these dealies," she said, picking up a 20-sided die, "and add my Dex bonus plus four."

"No, just your dex bonus," Cass corrected.

"No, I also get a +4." Joanna turned to Lodge. "That's what improved initiative does, right?"

"Who takes improved initiative?" Cass asked, bewildered.

* * * *

The Goblin Queen shook her scepter at the heroes, then charged.

Lodge declared the combat order. "OK, order: Joanna, Cass, Gary, Osric, then goblins."

" _What about me?" Leo asked._

" _You're dead." Oh, yeah..._

" _OK..." Joanna said, trying to remember the combat rules. They had been very complex..."So, I take one of these, and add my attack bonus and..."_

Daphne smacked the nearest goblin with her spear. It collapsed into a heap at her feet. Daphne waited for a moment, then looked around expectantly.

" _You get another attack," Lodge explained._

" _I do?" Wait, everyone was waiting for her?_

" _You... you took First Strike. When you go first, and drop an opponent, you immediately get another attack."_

" _Cool!" Joanna rolled her next attack._

Daphne whacked another goblin, dropping it in its tracks.

" _Critical! I get another attack!"_

Daphne skewered and dropped another goblin. She was shaking happily with victory, tempted to jump up and down with glee. She glanced over her shoulder to cast Osric an elated smile.

* * * *

The guys stared at Joanna in surprise. Leo's mouth was hanging open in a wide 'O,' but it was the look of consternation on Cass's face that Joanna found most satisfying. She suddenly realized that they had all agreed with Cass – they thought she would die the minute they got into a fight. She explained, with more delight than was probably absolutely necessary...

"Expanded critical, critical momentum, and precise strike. Y'see, I add my Int and Dex bonuses to my crit range, and I get an extra attack every time I land a critical hit."

"What's your critical range?" Gary asked.

Joanna checked her character sheet. "Let's see... 13 to 20. Without bonuses."

"Holy crappin' Christ!"

Joanna rolled again.

* * * *

" _Critical!"_

Another goblin dropped. Daphne wheeled around to face the next foe.

" _Critical."_

Another dead goblin.

" _Five foot step. Critical."_

Daphne destroyed every goblin within reach, skewering the last three into a gob-kebab. As she pushed the trio off her spear, she idly noticed that the one in the middle had a tri-hawk. _Don't see that every day,_ she thought to herself. Daphne paused and looked around. There were no more enemies within reach.

" _Cass, you're up."_

Silence executed an impressive looking spinning, flying kick, breaking the neck of the goblin in front of him. Silence looked pleased for a moment, then surveyed the overall damage and looked decidedly unimpressed with his contribution.

" _Gary?"_

" _Lightning bolt."_

Blue-white electricity fluttered around Luster's hands.

" _That'll go off in two rounds."_

" _What?! Why?"_

" _Wild magic, sexball."_

Osric leaned over Flynn, touching him with the carved wooden staff.

" _Flynn pulls a Lazarus."_

Flynn stood up and dusted himself off, the arrow shafts miraculously removed from his chest and leaving no holes in his tunic.

" _And... goblins"_

The row of goblins fired at Flynn once again. Flynn caught the volley of arrows in the chest and collapsed, dead again. Several of the goblins took a simultaneous five-foot step to surround Daphne.

" _The goblins surround Daphne. Joanna?"_

" _Hold my action."_

" _Cass?"_

" _Move to assist Daphne. Twice."_

Silence sprang acrobatically across the clearing to Daphne's side. Daphne idly wondered whether all the rolling and jumping about helped in some way...

"I am here to protect you." Silence sounded less like Kwai Chang Caine than Luke Skywalker. Daphne fished in her memory for the correct response.

"My hero," she answered. He should have remembered that Princess Leia was perfectly capable of protecting herself.

Silence rolled out of the way as she whacked him lightly on the shoulder with the butt of her spear, avoiding most of the force of the blow. _Hm_ , she thought. _I guess the rolling does help._ Daphne dropped the remaining goblins with a series of very elaborate attacks, leaving only the Goblin Queen standing.

" _Now?"_

" _No, Gary."_

Daphne slew the Goblin Queen with a magnificent flourish. Osric touched Flynn with the staff once again as Daphne began to celebrate.

"Osric uses the staff on Flynn."

"Sing it" Daphne rejoiced. "Give it to me, give it up! Oh – you can't cause y'all dead. That's right! She turned to Silence. "That is who takes improved initiative – wwwwwaaaaaaAH!"

"Yeah... but...can you tumble?" Silence retorted weakly.

" _And... your spell goes off," Lodge informed Gary._

Luster's lightning bolt sped off in the general direction of where Flynn and Osric were standing.

"Crap!" the mage barked, gesturing madly to his lightning bolt, trying to move it to one side by force of will.

"Move" Luster mouthed toward Flynn, who turned around just in time to catch the lightning bolt full in the face.

The remaining heroes stared down at Flynn's smoking body.

_Well. That was unfortunate,_ Luster mused. After what he figured was an appropriately respectful interval, he asked the question that was really on his mind.

"So – how much experience do I get for the bard?"

Daphne and Osric stared at him with distaste.

Too soon, I guess.

##  Chapter 8: Mudhollow Inne

After the battle in Goblin's Pass, you resurrect Flynn yet again and press through the mountains. Night has fallen by the time you reach the tiny village on the other side of the range.

A tiny inn squatted in the mud. In front of it, a sign read "Mudhollow Inne." The party, weary with travel and combat, stumbled inside and sat gratefully at a table in the common room. Brother Silence seized a wooden spoon from a shelf as he passed.

The group sat down at a long, low table. Some scanned the room, taking stock of their surroundings. Others rested gratefully, oblivious to anything but their own weariness. Silence sat staring at his spoon, using it as a focus to help him meditate upon the nature of Truth.

A plump, busty barmaid delivered mismatched steins of ale to the table. She served the ladies first, then walked around to the other end of the table to serve the men, stopping next to Flynn.

"And sirs... good beer," she mumbled as she set the mugs in front of them.

" _Is the barmaid hot?"_

Lodge rolled a die. "Yeah. Must you?"

" _Yeah, I must."_

Flynn whispered confidently in the barmaid's ear.

Leo rolled a die.

The barmaid giggled, nodded enthusiastically, and led Flynn by the hand to the stairway. As they disappeared to the floor above, Luster looked around and spied a second barmaid.

" _I wanna seduce her next."_

"Hey, baby," he crooned. "My spells require somatic components."

" _Dude, you're a chick."_

"Oh! Right. How embarrassing." And.... She was. A chick. Daphne found Luster's continual gender-switching somewhat confusing. _But not,_ she thought to herself, _nearly as confusing as he does. She does. Whatever..._

Osric stared sternly at Luster. "We should not draw attention to ourselves, Troublesome Strumpet."

"Agreed. We should mute our presence." Daphne concurred. "We don't know who might be watching."

"Indeed," Silence abandoned his meditations and joined the conversation. Osric and Daphne had spoken true and thoughtful words. Surely, he could do better. "Only in hiding one's identity can one truly be known. Wwwwwwaa!"

There. Mystical eastern-style wisdom. Silence looked very satisfied with himself. The others gazed at him in confusion. Clearly, his wisdom was beyond their meager intellect.

Daphne, as though she could hear his thoughts, shook her head slightly. _No_ , she thought. _You're just a self-important dumbass._

"I'm sorry," the innkeeper said, approaching their table meekly. "There is no rooms for you tonight."

"Nonsense," Silence answered him. "Your inn is empty." Silence focused his will on the innkeeper's weak mind, gesturing slightly with one hand. "There is plenty of room for us" he suggested.

"Room is not a problem," the innkeeper agreed. "Truthfully, the problem is..."

"Truthfully, you are not welcome here."

The innkeeper had been interrupted by a voice from a corner table near the fire. A cowled man sat unnoticed in the shadows. Osric hadn't remembered seeing anyone else in the common room when they arrived. _Who was this and how long had he been there?_ The group rose as one, Osric fixing his shield on his left arm as he stood.

"Mort Agrippa!" The innkeeper howled as though he had been burned, and scuttled swiftly into the back room. _One question answered_ , Osric thought. Mort Agrippa lowered his hood, revealing squiggly black tattoos covering his face.

"You are most certainly not welcome here." The heroes moved their hands to their weapons.

"An introduction would seem in order," Luster suggested coolly.

"I am the governor of this town and you are trespassing on these lands." Osric was fairly certain the king hadn't appointed any Morts as governors.

"These lands belong to the king!" he declared.

"These lands belong to _my_ king," Agrippa corrected.

Silence filled in the blank: "Mort Kemnon."

"Yes," Agrippa smiled at the mention of his master. "And soon you will serve him as I do – beyond the veil of death!" Eerie green light flowed around Agrippa's hands as he cast some evil spell. Black smoke billowed up near the heroes. As it subsided, four ninjas stepped out of the haze and leapt toward the party.

Silence upended the table, while Osric drew his sword. Daphne snatched up her spear and engaged a ninja. Things swiftly became confusing. _Fighting ninjas is much more complex than fighting goblins,_ Daphne thought, as she watched a Ninja come up behind Silence.

The monk caught the ninja's blade between his flattened palms as it swung down toward his head. In a move Daphne didn't totally catch, he turned the blade, swung it low next to his ribs, and then backward into the vital organs of the ninja still standing behind him. Agrippa hurled a burst of green magic at Luster, trapping her in bands of energy.

" _Gary, you're held. Leo, you're in."_

Flynn ran down the stairs, adjusting his tunic.

"Fear not, I have returned!"

He began to play an upbeat tune on the mandolin, knowing that the best help he could provide was to improve the performance of the others. Osric scuffled with a ninja, elbowing him in the face and knocking him unconscious as Agrippa watched from the corner.

"Dash it all, man, _help_ us!" Osric cried to the bard.

"I am!" Flynn protested, playing even more frantically.

Silence engaged two ninjas, wrapping the chain of one's kusari-gama around his hand. The other ninja picked up a small wooden barrel and swung it at Silence's head. Silence jerked the chain, burying the first ninja's blade in the wooden container and flinging both attackers away from him. The barrel smacked Flynn in the head, knocking him to the ground and killing him. Silence leapt up behind another ninja, rabbit-punching him in the ribs and paralyzing him.

Something had been nagging at Osric, but he had been too busy fighting to work out what it was. Suddenly, he understood – the ninjas smelled.... _wrong_. Of course! Agrippa was a Mort – a servant of Death! He pushed away the ninja he was fighting with and raised his sword, twirling it nimbly so that the holy symbol in its pommel was against the palm of his hand. Holding it forth toward the ninja, he cried "Turn!" in a commanding voice.

The ninja shrieked and burst into a million tiny particles of dust.

The paladin turned to find Joanna leveling her spear at the last remaining zombie ninja. She paused for a moment, watching as the ninja put on an elaborate display of nunchuk agility.

" _Is that the one that kicked me in the face?" Joanna asked._

" _Yeah, why?"_

" _Just asking..."_

Daphne pulled the spear from the ninja's chest and buried it briefly in his nads.

Luster finally struggled free of Agrippa's spell, just as the tattooed Mort began to cast another. She quickly waved her arms and began to chant, hurling a luminescent blue-white sphere at him, shattering the green light of his spell. Agrippa shook his burnt hands as Silence leapt up beside him, delivering another rabbit punch and freezing him in place.

Silence snapped his fingers in front of Agrippa's face. No response. Osric touched the staff to Flynn's chest, and the bard shook himself as if waking from a deep sleep.

Silence grabbed Agrippa's chin, moving his mouth and speaking in a ridiculous falsetto voice. "I'm Mort Agrippa. I control ninja zombies! Are they zinjas? Are they nombies? I don't kno-oow!"

Luster and Silence forced Agrippa into a sitting position and tied him to a chair. The stood over him menacingly, the tip of Daphne's spear leveled at his chest.

* * * *

Lodge leaned back in his chair and said, in a satisfied voice, "Mort Agrippa ain't goin' nowhere...."

Leo looked quizzically at Lodge for a moment. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt like the two of them were on the same side in a campaign....

As usual, it was Cass who interrupted the feeling of camaraderie.

"Oh, _monks_ you have a problem with but, hey, ninjas are ok?"

Leo thought for a split second, then decided that he was more concerned about keeping this feeling going than about letting Cass complain about his monk. He leaned forward, pointing his finger commandingly at Lodge.

"Tell us where Mort Kemnon is!" he ordered in his Flynn voice. Lodge responded immediately, in his weasely Mort voice.

"Do your worst. Kill me, if you must. I will never tell!"

"Gosh," Cass joined in. "We'll have to torture him."

"Oh, darn," Gary said, sounding not at all disappointed. Leo rubbed his hands together in anticipation.

"You'll have to think of something else," Lodge informed them. "Torture is dishonorable. Osric," he pointed out, flourishing Osric's character sheet "won't allow it."

"God I love paladins," Cass said through clenched teeth.

Joanna looked inquiringly at Lodge. "Can't he just step outside for a while?"

Lodge turned to face her, shaking his head. "Actually, no. Paladins can't let evil acts happen if they know about them. It's his alignment."

"Yeah," Gary added. "They're Lawful Stupid."

"I'll distract him," Leo offered. "I'll tell him there's a ninja outside."

"I seriously doubt he'd fall for that," Lodge answered skeptically.

"Normally," Cass pointed out, "the _dice_ decide that sort of thing." Cass held up a d20, which Leo took from his outstretched palm.

* * * *

"Look, Sir Osric! An evildoer, outside!" Flynn pointed out the doorway into the night.

Leo rolled Cass's die.

"WHAT?!" Osric bellowed, alight with righteous fury. Drawing his sword, he ran with a mighty roar through the door and into the darkness. Flynn turned a thumbs up to Silence and Luster, who immediately began to clobber their bound prisoner. Silence horse-punched Agrippa in the face, and Luster followed with a spinning uppercut, punctuated with a cry of "Hadoken!!" She swung so hard, the follow-through nearly threw her to the floor.

Outside the inn, Osric stormed about, seeking the evildoer. "Show yourself, Villain!" he cried into the darkness. "Thou canst not escape my justice! Come forward, so that I may smite thee with my mighty blade!"

_Hm_ , thought Daphne, _usually when Osric gets going with the archaic language, he sounds very unique but that...that had the sound of something that had been said before..._ She returned her attention to Luster and Silence, assessing their beating of the prisoner so that she could gauge the best time to begin interrogating him. Osric's voice drifted in from the night.

"The truth shall descend upon thy wickedness as an angel of righteous fury!"

Flynn watched from the open doorway, the sounds of Agrippa's beating floating out into the sable sky.

Inside the inn, Silence and Luster each stuck a finger in one of Agrippa's ears. Luster picked up Agrippa's right hand and began slapping his face with it. "Why are you necromancing yourself?" Luster teased. "Quit necromancing yourself!" Silence ended Luster's fun by crashing a large, solid object over Agrippa's head.

Osric paced angrily, peering into shadows and finding nothing. His fury began to subside, and as he approached the inn he heard the sounds of his party members beating their prisoner.

"Deceivers!" he cried, unable to believe that they would lie to him this way, these comrades who had stood with him now in multiple battles. "This ends now!" he stormed back toward the inn. From the doorway, Flynn pointed into the distance.

"He's over there!"

Leo rolled again.

Osric ran off in the direction Flynn was pointing. "Thou shalt die a thousand deaths, shadow-spawn! I shall mete out my justice upon thy loathsome brow!" Flynn turned away from Osric, watching the action inside.

Agrippa began to laugh maniacally. His body faded out of existence, along with the ropes that bound him. _Well_ , Flynn thought, _I guess that's over, then._ He went back inside, followed swiftly by Osric, who stared at Agrippa's empty chair.

"What happened here?" the paladin asked suspiciously.

"Funny story, strangest thing," Silence evaded.

"He tripped," Luster offered, "and on the way down he accidentally beat himself to death." Osric looked skeptical.

"Yes," Silence supported Luster's tale. Osric still wasn't certain, but clearly he wasn't going to find out anything else about that.

"Did he say where Mort Kemnon was?" he asked instead.

"Not as such, no," Luster faltered. He quickly decided that no good could come from the paladin finding out that they hadn't actually asked any questions. The mage moved quickly to change the subject. "Did you find that evildoer?" he asked.

Osric hung his head. "He escaped. My shame knows no bounds."

"Aawww," Luster empathized. "Yeah, yeah you suck..." Silence nodded in agreement.

Daphne turned to the bard. "Flynn, what did the barmaid say?"

"Uh...'Oh yes, Oh yes, Oh gods yes.'" Flynn recited.

"About _Mort Kemnon_ , dumbass."

The barmaid says Mort Agrippa came from Westhaven. Following her advice, you abandon the inn and take to the road to the east. You put some good miles between yourself and the town, before you camp for the night a few miles outside of Westhaven.

##  Chapter 9: The Road To Westhaven

Flynn placidly strummed his mandolin as the fire burned down to glowing embers. Luster sidled over to where Daphne sat, polishing the tip of her spear. _No Freudian imagery there_ , Silence thought.

"Hi...." Luster spoke to Daphne in a low voice. "You know, you're unlike any woman I've ever met."

"Right back atcha," Daphne replied in a wry tone that Luster didn't stop to understand.

"So fast, so strong..." Luster took the polishing cloth from Daphne's hand, breathing deep of its scent. "Like steel wrapped in silk," he continued, touching her chin lightly. "A man could lose himself in those eyes."

"A _man_ could, yes," Daphne answered mildly. "But apparently," she raised her hand to gently caress Luster's cheek as she murmured, "I must remind you that you're a woman." Daphne leaned back again, an ironic smile playing on her lips.

"Of course I am," Luster realized. After a moment's consideration, she walked her fingers up Daphne's shoulder with an impish grin. "I don't suppose you'd be interested in a little girl on girl aaaa.....!" Her words cut off with an agonized shriek as Daphne grabbed her wrist and elbow in a painful lock.

"You don't really want to finish that thought do you...?" Daphne asked lightly.

"I'll take that as a no," Luster groaned excruciatingly.

"Good girl." Daphne tossed Luster's arm away. The mage fled to her bedroll and began to sulk over her spell book. Silence gave the scene a moment's inscrutable consideration, then turned his attention to the bard.

"Tell me minstrel, what do you know of this... Mort Kemnon?"

"He is a servant of Death, an enemy of the Light. And that is all I can tell you."

Silence and Osric stared expectantly at Flynn, clearly disappointed.

"And the Mask of Death....?" Silence prompted, as Osric gestured encouragingly.

"Ah! The God of Oblivion wore the Mask when the Creator forged the world. It is said that whoever wears the Mask gains the power of the god he serves."

"Then Mort Kemnon has all the powers of Death? How could Therin allow this?" Daphne asked. Osric merely frowned uncomfortably.

"It may be beyond her control," Silence offered. "Before we left, the Hierophant told us that Therin is missing."

"Missing?" Flynn said, uncomprehending.

"Trapped," Osric lamented sternly.

"How could this be?" Silence asked, looking to the bard.

"I have no idea."

Hearing Flynn's reply, Osric rested his head in his hands as Silence stared in disbelief.

Dice roll.

"Actually, I do!" Flynn amended.

"Bardic knowledge" he said with a jubilant smile as a disembodied hand offered him a note card. Flynn offered a cheery "thank you" as he grasped the card and began to read.

"Long ago, young Jack Lightfingers stole beauty from the mermaids. The Lord of the Sea was angry, and sent his waves to drown Jack, but Jack was too clever. He led the Sea King inland, stretching out the waves, which sucked," he finished proudly.

He looked up to find Osric staring at him impatiently and Silence watching him in dismay. 'Turn it over' Osric mouthed, gesturing as if he were flipping the card over. Flynn finally caught on, turning the card over and continuing to read.

"Out the Sea King's power, as there was not enough water to drown Jack. Then, Jack trapped the God of the Sea in a prison of ice, and.... What's that word?"

Flynn held the card out to Osric for assistance.

"Ransomed."

"Ransomed him back to the merfolk."

" _Boring!" Gary yawned._

"Interesting," Daphne disagreed. "But what exactly does this have to do with Therin?"

"The only way to trap a deity is in a prison of that god's own element," the bard explained. The group pondered for a moment, wondering what, exactly, this meant to their quest. Silence, deciding he had discovered the wisdom of the situation, nodded sagely.

"Indeed," the monk droned, "the four elements, like man alone, are weak. But together..." He clasped his hands in a gesture of solidarity and strength. "...they form the strong fifth element... Boron. WWWaaaa!"

The heroes stared at Silence, who nodded knowingly.

"We should go to bed soon," Osric suggested. "Morning is coming."

"We must get our rest if we're to find Mort Kemnon," Daphne agreed.

Luster's head snapped up from her book. Bathed in green light, she slowly rose up off the ground, hovering jerkily in midair like a marionette dangling on carelessly-pulled strings. After a moment, she spoke in an eerie, echoing voice.

"And what if I should find you first?"

The heroes sprang to their feet as one.

"Abandon this road," Luster continued, "or die on it!"

"Save your threats," Silence dismissed the interloper. "You have no power here."

A bolt of blackened lightning leapt from Luster's hands, enveloping the bard. Flynn's lifeless body stared emptily at the full moon above.

"As if killing the bard impresses us," Silence scoffed.

"You shall never obtain the Mask of Death!" the possessed Luster assured them.

"We do not fear you!" Daphne avowed.

"Then," replied Luster, "you are greater fools than you appear!"

"You sound afraid," Silence interjected.

Luster laughed darkly. "You don't believe me? Then come. Come and face... Drazuul!"

Luster's body fell to the ground, landing heavily on her bedroll. The others rushed to her side.

* * * *

"And I think we'll call it there for the night," Lodge decided.

"What?" Gary objected. "It's still early!"

"It's after two," Lodge pointed out.

"It's what?!" Joanna looked up at the clock on the wall, searching the ornate compass-rose face as the gamers packed up their gear. "I had no idea it was so late!"

"See?" gloated Cass. "See what happens? You get so into it, you can't help but lose track of time." Joanna looked sheepish. She had clearly just lost an old argument.

"Yeah," agreed Gary. "It's like surfing the net for por...litical commentary." _Whew! For a moment, he had forgotten that Joanna was a girl..._

"Nice dodge, Gary."

'"Thanks," Gary said, turning briefly to Leo before facing the rest of the group again. "Same time next week?"

"Can't do it here," Leo apologized. "We're having a tourney."

Cass cringed. _Ah well_ , he thought generously, _I suppose Leo has to do whatever pays the bills. There are worse ways to prostitute yourself, I guess._ Cass couldn't think of any. _Vile little collectible card game dweebs_.

"Uh – we could do it at my place," Lodge offered hesitantly. "I mean, I...I've got plenty of space."

"Right on" Cass approved, and the other gamers added their assent.

* * * *

Leo pulled his motorcycle out in front of the store. Gary and Cass trotted up to meet him.

"If this is about that farmer, I totally thought he was a demon!" Leo quoted. They all laughed, thoroughly entertained. "That was awesome!" Gary exulted.

Cass climbed onto the back of the bike, and Gary settled in just in front of Leo behind the handlebars, looking a lot like a kid riding on the front of a bicycle.

"Onward – to waffles!!" Cass exclaimed.

Cass and Gary gestured forward as the three shouted together, "waffles, HO!"

Joanna looked quizzically at Lodge. "They did good, so they get waffles," he explained. Apparently, there was a lot more to gaming than what was in the handbook....

##  Chapter 10: Evolving Naturally

Kevin couldn't let Joanna walk back to her bus stop alone this time of night. As they strolled, she thanked him for letting her join the game. She had always wanted to understand what the big deal was, she said, and she had really enjoyed joining them tonight.

"Glad I could be of assistance," Kevin mumbled humbly. S _he_ was thanking _him_?

"Have you kept writing since college?" Joanna asked.

Kevin was stunned. He couldn't believe she even remembered that! "Uh... sort of," he stammered.

"What does 'sort of' mean?" she asked with a smile. Joanna had a beautiful smile.... He realized she was waiting for him to answer.

"I don't write as often as I should," he admitted.

"Ah."

"I've got the story, I just don't know how to write it."

"Try paper... pencil..." she said teasingly.

"Pa...per....! Wow!! I...I..." he said cheerily, playing along.

Joanna had a sudden flash of insight.

"Is that the story we're playing?"

Kevin nodded, a little embarrassed to be found out. "Uh...yeah..."

"Really?"

"Uh-huh"

"So now I'm in your story..." Joanna smirked. Kevin had thought he hated it when people smirked at him, but he found he didn't mind it much when it was Joanna. In fact, her smirk was kind of... alluring... Wait – what had she just said?!

"Uh...yeah...."

"I've never been somebody's story before... _in_ someone's story," she corrected herself quickly.

"Well, uh, you know, I guess in a way, we're all in a story. If you wanna think about it that way...." Lodge countered. _Oh. My._ _God_ _. Is it even_ _possible_ _for me to sound like a bigger dork?_

"I guess that's true..." Joanna mused aloud.

_Wait...what?!_ As clumsily as he had fallen over that, she had understood what he meant. By all the gods, she was a remarkable woman.

Joanna stopped in the doorway of an empty building, sitting on the stairs. Kevin sat down beside her. Joanna reached into her pocket, her hand reappearing full of gummi bears. Kevin wasn't actually all that fond of gummi bears – but when she offered him some, he accepted as though they were a gift from the stars themselves.

_Well_ , he thought, _she seemed to understand me before. Might as well try to give her a real answer._

"I give them as real a world as I can," he explained plaintively, "but they're just interested in 'winning.' It _so_ doesn't help."

Joanna stared for a moment, the various events and interactions of the evening swirling in her mind until they coalesced into a single, crystal-clear picture.

"You blame _them_ for not being able to write your own damn story!"

"No..." Kevin demurred.

"You do!"

Yeah, ok, maybe I do...

"Caught ya...." Joanna exulted quietly. Kevin didn't necessarily like what he was hearing, but something about hearing it from Joanna made it... ok somehow. He opened his mouth to protest, and then realized that she was right. This was quickly followed by the realization that this beautiful, amazing woman _got_ him – better than he got himself, in some ways.

"Maybe you're trying too hard," she offered. "Maybe you should just let the story go where it will."

Wait...what? Oh. She's talking about the game... isn't she?

"But I know where it goes! It goes to a very clear end... it's just not getting there..."

"All I am saying it that maybe it would be easier if you didn't decide how things were going to end before you start."

Wait... Was she...? No, of course not. She couldn't hear what he was thinking, after all – and if she knew what he was thinking, she'd probably run off to catch the next possible bus, and never come back. Lodge let out a deep sigh.

"What?" she asked, thinking the sigh was about the advice she had just offered. "What's wrong with that?"

"If I don't keep them focused on the story, they're just going to run around" he ticked one finger with the opposing index finger, "killing," he ticked the middle finger, "looting, and" he ticked a third finger, "impregnating my entire world!"

Joanna smiled - Kevin was so cute when he got intense and impassioned like this. She stared intently at him as he spoke, wondering if he ever got impassioned about anything but gaming. She couldn't keep herself from giggling just a little self-consciously at the thought. Fortunately, she had timed it just right – she was pretty sure he thought she was giggling at the accuracy of his description of the gamers.

"I've got to keep them under control!" he finished.

Joanna stopped walking, suddenly serious. "That's why they don't trust you!"

" _They_ don't trust _me_?" Kevin replied in utter astonishment.

"No!"

"They're the ones who kill people before they have a chance to speak!"

She could see his point – so she backed up and tried to explain hers – theirs – a little better.

"They know you don't trust them to play your way, and that's why you keep them on such a short leash. That's why you dropped a policeman into the middle of the group..."

"Paladin!" Kevin protested.

"Whatever," she dismissed his protest. "To keep tabs on them. It's no wonder they screw with you." Joanna stepped in closer, hoping Kevin would take her very seriously, and hoping he'd listen to all of the things she was about to try to convey to him.

"You're a good enough storyteller to handle whatever they throw at you," she assured him. "Just let the story evolve naturally. The ending might even surprise _you_."

Lodge briefly wondered once again whether Joanna was still talking about the gamers, or if she were listening to his thoughts...trying to tell him something else. For some reason, he couldn't dismiss the thought quite so quickly this time.

"All right," he spluttered mildly. "I'll uh... see what I can do..." He stared down into her face. Gary was right, the big infant – a man _could_ get lost in those eyes...

"All right," Joanna smiled back at him. "You do that."

She waited for a very long moment, hoping Kevin had picked up her hints, and just needed a second to gather his courage. The pause drew out until it started to become awkward, and Joanna finally decided she would have to work on a better strategy for next time. Kevin clearly wasn't going to be the one to make the first move...

Finally, before the silence could grow uncomfortable, Joanna gave in and sighed "g'night Kevin..."

"Night," he replied gently as she walked away. Kevin waved to her back as she left, wondering if she realized how he was hearing what she said, and wishing he had tried to kiss her. Just as he reminded himself that a girl like her could never be interested in a geek like him, Joanna turned and blew him a kiss. He smiled dreamily, thinking maybe...just maybe...she wouldn't have refused...

He finally realized that he probably needed a better plan than standing there in the dark daydreaming. How long had he been standing there? Who knew? Who cared, really? He raced through all of their conversation, filing the gaming stuff for later, looking for hints he might have missed or things he might have misinterpreted. Finally, he asked himself the question that would have the biggest impact on his evening.

"Where the hell did I park?"

* * * *

Lodge dropped his keys into the pewter goblet on the mantel and stepped over Mitch.

"Hey, Mitch."

"Hey..."

"Did you let the cat in?"

"We have a cat..?"

Lodge continued on to his desk, falling distractedly into the chair, more from habit than anything else. He turned on the monitor. The document looked the same as it had last night. And the night before. And the night before that.

The Mask Of Death

By Kevin Lodge
Chapter 1

He laid his fingertips idly on the keyboard. He had no more feeling than ever that the words would come – but then, something about tonight felt....different.

'Joanna,' he typed, then erased it and replaced it with ' _Joanna_.' Well, at least he understood what was different. It wasn't going to help him write, but for once, he didn't really mind...

"Yeah, time for bed..." He spun the chair around and abandoned the computer without even pretending to try to write anything.

He told himself that he'd take some time to think about what Joanna had said, see if it offered him any new insights. He told himself a lot of things.

_Joanna_...

##  Chapter 11: The 'Real' World?

Monday

Joanna was in the theater, working with the rest of the crew to build the new sets for an upcoming production. As she crossed the stage, a pole caught her eye. She examined it, realizing that it must be about the size of Daphne's spear.

She began to absently whirl the pole around, becoming lost in the motion. Before she knew it she was lost in Daphne's goblin battle, whirling and stabbing the green figures in her imagination, until she finally landed the death blow on the goblin queen. She stabbed forward with a roar – and came to herself as she noticed the eyes of the entire crew on her. She realized uncomfortably that she was the only woman in the room. She stood uncertainly... and the guys began to applaud slowly. They picked up tempo as she smiled and curtseyed to them. Suddenly, everything... _everything_... was ok.

Tuesday

Gary stared down at his notebook as the professor droned on. GOD this woman was boring! He wasn't paying the slightest attention to the physics – but he was aware of every move the professor made. In his notebook, he sketched pictures of her as she appeared in his imagination: Luster. Chaotic, lusty Luster...

"The cross product of A and B is equal to the product of A and B times the sine of angle Phi..." The professor turned around and walked directly up to Gary. "Mr. Wombaugh? Are you paying attention?"

Gary looked up smiling in rapt admiration. "Oh God, yes!"

The professor rolled her eyes and returned to the chalkboard. "The sine of angle Phi...."

Wednesday

Leo sat behind the counter of the gaming store. He, his employee, and two 'volunteers' were filling out stacks of character sheets. Well, OK – he had promised them free entry into the tourney this weekend if they helped. That was _like_ volunteers... More blank character sheets were laid out on the table before the minions.

"How many of these do you actually need?" the store monkey asked. Really? He was the only one who was getting _paid_ for this time!

"Let me answer that with another question," Leo offered with a smile. "Shut up!"

The store monkey turned back to his work. Leo heard one of the volunteers comment, "Your boss is a dick!" as the second nodded agreement. Whatever.

Thursday

Cass sat, bare-chested, bathed in a pillar of light in an unfurnished room with his fists held out before him in a pose reminiscent of a monk. Gary stood to one side with a Monster Manual in one hand. Cass stared intently ahead.

"Ogre!" Gary called out.

"29 hit points! Dark and low-light vision. Low reflex save!"

"Troll!" Gary challenged next.

"63 hit points! Regenerates 5 hit points per round. Weak against fire and acid!"

"Stone Giant!"

"200 hit points, breathes under water. Immune to electricity!"

"That's Storm Giant!" he corrected, lashing Cass across the back with a whip. Cass howled in pain, but did not break his monastic pose.

Friday

Lodge typed busily in his office cubicle. He quickly switched documents as he saw his boss enter the room.

"So, Kevin... How's that manual coming?"

"I'm working on it right now, Mr. Walsh. I'll have it to Editing tomorrow."

"Riiight.. Good man. Keep up the good work."

When Walsh was gone, Lodge spun back to his computer and switched documents again. Dungeon schematics appeared on his computer screen... 

##  Chapter 12: Another Friday Night

Ed stepped out of the elevator, walking past the row of cubicles, greeting those worthy of his notice as he passed.

"Morning, Steve."

"Morning, Ed."

"Morning, Brian."

"Morning, Ed."

"Morning, Cap'n," Ed addressed the elaborately dressed pirate leading a mob of buccaneers down the corridor in the opposite direction.

"Aaarrr," the Captain acknowledged without breaking stride. The pirates continued on until they reached the elevator that had just brought Ed to their floor. They stopped, idling in a loose mob as they waited for the Captain to investigate the elevator and ensure the coast was clear.

The Captain, finding nothing in the elevator, turned to his crew and shrugged. Just as he was about to declare the all clear, the purple-clad ninja (known, imaginatively enough, as Purple Ninja) dropped from the elevator's ceiling, kicking the Captain hard enough to knock him down and racing out the elevator doors, right through the mob of stunned brigands.

The Captain, regaining his feet, launched himself from the elevator and into the empty space between his crewmembers. His cry of "Get him!" seemed to break the crew's paralysis, and they turned as one to chase down the scurvy purple dog.

The ninja led them down the hall, cuffing a bystander and seizing a stack of pizza boxes before spotting his own nemesis (known equally imaginatively as Orange Ninja) running with his own stack of pizza boxes on the opposite side of the room. Orange Ninja paused long enough to taunt Purple Ninja with a beckoning, 'bring it' hand gesture, then dashed off to deliver his pizzas.

The pirates split into two groups. In theory one group would chase each ninja. In practice, ninja chasing could get confusing, so the two groups mostly practiced a strategy of 'staying mostly sort of together' augmented by 'attack any scurvy masked knave who comes within reach.'

Orange Ninja briefly set his pizzas down to handle a group of buccaneers. Purple Ninja tossed his stack of boxes away, fighting an even larger group of pirates. He seized their Jolly Roger, using it as a staff and engaging the black banner to foul the weapons of any who came close enough to be a threat. After dispatching the pirates he retrieved his pizza boxes and continued on his mission.

Pirates out of the way, the two ninjas came face to face. Orange Ninja's pizza boxes were still stacked nearby. Purple Ninja set his boxes aside and they engaged. After a stunning display of acrobatic threat, Purple Ninja sent Orange Ninja flying...

* * * *

Joanna stared, perplexed, at the _Pizzajitsu_ game board on the table.

"What's the purpose of this game, again?"

Kevin sensed her irritation – she wasn't enjoying the game. Or at least, she wasn't connecting with it. He had thought spending some time with Joanna alone would be a _good_ idea. _Please, gods, don't let her hate the game!_

"Uh... to deliver... ten pizzas before the other ninja." He answered her with trepidation.

"OK," she said thoughtfully. _Whew!_ Kevin relaxed a little. "That I can deal with." Joanna paused for a moment. "What's with the pirates?"

Lodge leaned in close, staring at her intently and raising an emphatic index finger. Joanna could see she was about to learn something he considered important – beyond just the rules of this silly, incomprehensible game.

" _Everything's_. Better. With pirates."

Joanna considered this for a moment. Her reverie was interrupted by a knock at the door. She rolled the die as Kevin rose to let the rest of the gamers in. _I just do not get this game! How am I supposed to get Kevin to make a move if I can't establish any individual connection with him outside the gaming group? Well, thank goodness the guys are here - at least I can give up this stupid pizza-ninja game._

"Hey, guys!" Lodge greeted the arriving crew. Gary walked past, giving Lodge a friendly shove and walking through the spot where Lodge's feet had just been.

"Hey, Lodge," Cass acknowledged with a nod as he headed for a chair.

Leo stopped into the entry. When Lodge had closed the door, Leo stood between him and the rest of the room, obviously wanting a private Game Master chat. Lodge looked up expectantly.

"Hey, Lodge. Can I bring in a new character? Another bard?"

"What's wrong with Flynn? Aside from dying."

"Well," Leo explained, "I permanently lose a level every time I get resurrected. I'm like at 4th level. He's almost not worth playing."

"Ah...Point. Uh... Yeah, sure – if you die, go ahead and bring in a new guy." _Well, he does have a point – he's, like, half the level of the rest of the group._

"Thanks, Lodge!" Leo headed for a chair. The others already had their books and dice on the table, and Gary was setting out minis. Lodge's cat, Guen, jumped up on the table and sniffed at the tiny figures. _What a nuisance,_ Leo thought – stupid cat acted like she owned the place. Gary was more patient with her, picking her up gently and setting her on the floor.

"Hello, Mr. Kitty. You can't be here," he said in a crooning voice.

"I believe we left off a few miles outside of Westhaven," Lodge began. Just then, Lodge's roommate wandered through the room.

"Hey Mitch" they said, almost in unison. Mitch belched and waved in reply.

"Everybody make a listen check," Lodge continued. Mitch belched loudly in the background. _Well_ , Leo thought, _I definitely heard that._ "If you succeed, you awake to a strange rustling sound....."

##  Chapter 13: A Scruffy-Looking Peasant

The heroes had, somehow, made the most elementary mistake of gamers everywhere – they had failed to set a watch when camping in the wilderness. Amazingly, neither the goblins nor additional Minions of Death had caught up to them. Their campfire, however, had been allowed to burn out in the night, and the morning was cold, especially after sleeping on the hard-packed earth.

They awoke to the sound of a scruffy-looking peasant rifling through their bags. Judging by his clothes and generally disheveled appearance, Daphne guessed him to be some sort of half-witted herdsman.

" _A scruffy looking peasant is rummaging through your gear. "_

" _I waste him with my crossbow!" Gary blurted, barely restraining himself from adding an enthusiastic "Hoody-hoo!"_

Luster aimed her crossbow at the peasant. Daphne swatted it down before the trigger was fully engaged, leaping to her feet and grabbing the peasant by the collar. He fell, terrified, to his knees.

"This man has stolen from us," Silence pointed out. "He must be punished!" Osric scrutinized Silence's face, wondering where this sudden streak of Lawfulness had originated.

"Mercy! Mercy good sirs!" pleaded the peasant.

"I'm a woman, you fool!" Luster howled back at him, raising her crossbow. _Sure_ , thought Joanna. _Now_ _he remembers he's playing a girl._

Pushing the crossbow down, Osric asked sternly "What do you have against peasants, Murderous Trollop?" As if the farmer hadn't been enough...

"Just a general, all purpose loathing," Luster replied.

"Mercy, good masters! Please, don't kill me!" the peasant begged again.

"I'll try to calm him down," Flynn offered, playing a soothing tune on his mandolin. The peasant knelt, transfixed by the music and gazing admiringly at Flynn while he sang. "Shut up dear peasant, rest your head, or I'll let the sorceress kill your ass dead."

Dice rolling.

Amazingly, the peasant is no longer panicked.

"Rise, sirrah. You have nothing to fear," Osric reassured the peasant as he and Daphne helped the herder to his feet. When he was standing, he immediately bowed subserviently.

"Forgive me, masters. I haven't anything to eat in days."

"Then join us for breakfast," Daphne invited. Silence stared at her, obviously annoyed by her treatment of the would-be thief.

"Bard! Firewood!" Flynn headed into the forest to obey Daphne's command.

"What is your name, peasant?" Daphne continued

Crap, I didn't give him one, I guess I'll call him...

"Willem, my lady. I live in Westhaven. 'Least I did, until..." Willem's words trailed off.

"Until what?" Daphne prompted.

Willem's mood darkened, and he stared at the ground as he continued speaking. "Mort Kemnon's priests... they...they killed all the others. I'm the only one left...."

"Do you know where Mort Kemnon is?" Osric asked eagerly.

"No my lord. Only the Fiend knows that," Willem offered with a shudder.

"The Fiend?" Osric pressed.

"Drazuul..." Willem said emphatically as the heroes eyed one another. Here was a name they had heard before. "He led the purges. I'd... rather not speak of it..."

Daphne saw no value in making Willem go into detail. She changed the subject, pursuing the information that was of most use to their quest.

"Do you know where we can find him, this Drazuul?" she asked.

"In Westhaven, the center of town." Suddenly, it occurred to Willem that these were strangers – travelers, who might wish for him to show them the way. "But I'm not going back there!" he declared.

_There's no need for this peasant to travel back into harm's way,_ thought Osric. "Well, then let us clothe and feed you, and send you safely on your way."

Silence, his patience at an end, held up his hands in the shape of a T and cried "Time out!"

* * * *

Cass's hands were raised in a 'timeout' gesture. He leaned forward, obscuring a stack of empty pizza boxes from view.

"We do not have enough provisions to feed a nameless NPC."

"He's not nameless!" Joanna countered. "His name's Willem," she said, aiming a self-satisfied smile at Kevin.

"We got what we want from him," Cass argued. "Let's just leave him." Gary, hands folded in a prayer-like pose, leaned forward toward Cass, nodding his assent.

"Osric is morally compelled to help him," Lodge pointed out. "He can't knowingly allow him to continue suffering."

"I can't knowingly allow you to deplete our resources because you want to feel noble," Cass accused.

"I'm just playing his alignment!" Lodge protested.

Joanna chimed in her support. "It's what our characters would do."

Lodge realized they weren't going to get anywhere with this argument. "If you have a problem, find some way to solve it in character," he insisted.

Gary leaned forward and whispered in Cass's ear. Cass considered for a moment.

"OK," Cass said slowly. "Let's role play through this."

"OK!" Lodge agreed with enthusiasm. _Finally_ , he thought. _Having Joanna in the group – letting them see how gaming_ should _be – maybe it's finally getting through his thick skull!_

Cass's excessively reasonable tone of voice worried Joanna. She opened her mouth to say...she wasn't sure what. Before she could decide, the action had already begun to move on.

* * * *

Silence approached Sir Osric where he stood near Daphne. "Sir Osric, a word..."

"Of course, Brother Silence."

Silence led Osric away from the group, turning his back to the peasant in the process. Daphne turned to watch them.

"Say I have two sons, one strong, the other meek. Both wish for schooling, but I can only send one. Whom do I choose?"

Osric nodded thoughtfully.

Willem, standing near Luster, rubbed his cold hands together, and nodded appreciatively as she began to cast a spell, drawing flame between her hands. Willem looked on, excited at the thought of being warm again.

"Hmm..." Osric mused. "Well, the strong boy could go far with such schooling. Yet, the boy who is weak in body may find that he is strong in mind. I would consider..."

Osric was interrupted by a whoosh of flame from behind him. He and Daphne whirled around just in time to see Willem explode.

" _That's it!!! That's really IT!!!!" Lodge fumed as he scribbled Luster's alignment change into his notes._

"I will smite thee, evildoer!!!" Osric declared, drawing his sword and charging toward Luster. As Osric prepared to bring the blade down on Luster's malevolent skull, Brother Silence punched him in the ribs, freezing him in place.

"How long until he moves?" Luster asked, scrambling away from the blade, which suddenly looked much larger to her than she remembered.

"Ten, maybe twenty seconds," Silence answered.

" _I cast amnesia on Osric"_

" _Osric has no memory of the last two minutes. Nice dodge Gary."_ How the hell does he always manage to do that? _Lodge wondered. The amoral little twerp always managed to avoid getting himself executed when he really deserved it..._

Flynn returned then, his arms full of wood. He stepped out of the trees, announcing "I've got firewood!" just as Osric's paralysis expired. Osric completed his swing, bringing the blade down on the bard's back.

* * * *

The entire room had an aura of incredulity. Lodge's lips twitched. Leo gazed, stunned, at his character sheet. Gary stared at Lodge in disbelief as Cass gave his head a short, sharp shake. Lodge agreed – there was no saving that one. Best to move on as quickly as possible.

##  Chapter 14: Westhaven

"You find the tiny hamlet of Westhaven abandoned. Your skin begins to crawl the farther you press into town."

"Have Osric detect evil," Gary declared.

"Overwhelming evil, in the center of the town."

"We'll investigate," Cass decided, pointing at himself and Gary.

* * * *

Silence and Luster moved closer to the edge of town – if 'town' was the appropriate word. A half-dozen or so small, dilapidated cottages sat clustered around a small stone well. Peering around the corner of one of the dilapidated structures, they saw a horned demon standing in the center of town, surrounded by the corpses of the villagers.

* * * *

"What the hell is that?" Cass asked.

"A Death Demon, one of Death's personal servants. And he's looking your way."

Drazuul – for it was, indeed, Mort Kemnon's fiendish servant - turned toward Silence and Luster, grinning wickedly as he commanded "Come.....come to Drazuul."

Luster and Silence, compelled by some magic that dominated their will and subjected it to the demon's commands, moved jerkily forward, as though the hell spawn pulled them on invisible ropes.

"Why don't I get a save?" Cass fumed.

"It's a Death Demon," Lodge explained, as though speaking to a child.

Joanna couldn't help enjoying hearing someone else talk to Cass in that tone. She had been right – gaming with Cass had, indeed, taught her a lot about him. Primarily, that she had been right to break up with him. She tried not to smirk as Kevin continued.

"Its fear aura is too strong, You can't roll a successful save."

"Incorrect," Cass argued. As usual.

"What is your Will save modifier?"

"Plus 9."

"The DC to beat the demons fear aura is a 32. You would have to roll a 23 on a 20-sided die in order to succeed. Now, I don't have a math degree, but that's impossible, isn't it?"

Cass picked up a d20 and quoted from the rulebook. "A natural 20 is an automatic success, no matter the circumstances."

_Seriously?_ "And you only have a 5 per cent chance of rolling that 20."

"Do I at least get that roll?" Cass asked confrontationally. "I mean, it's in the rules. Is it ok if we play by the rules? Is that all right with you?"

_Clearly, he's not going to be happy until he has failed the save. Fine._ Lodge waved acquiescence. _And moments like these are why every gamer in this town knows the meaning of the word 'Casshole,'_ he thought to himself as Cass tossed his die in the air with an arrogantly triumphant grin, caught it, and rolled.

Cass stared in disbelief at the red '1' displayed on his favorite Tiger Eye d20.

"Ooooohhhhhhh!!!!!" Lodge shouted triumphantly. "A **fumble**!!"

Cass pinched the bridge of his nose, looking down at the table. Lodge had won, and that happened rarely enough that it was clear he was going to enjoy it as much as possible. Dick.

"That means you're _completely_ compelled, and I get to control your character until you snap out of it," Lodge exulted. _As if you have to explain the rules to me_ , Cass thought belligerently. He grudgingly held out his character sheet, which Lodge snapped up gleefully.

_And that,_ thought Lodge smugly, noting that Cass couldn't even look him in the eye _, is what you get when you insist on being such. A. DICK._ As he snatched the character sheet from Cass's hand, he spoke in an exaggeratedly sincere tone.

"Since we're playing by the _rules_ , I know you don't mind."

Cass lowered his hand from his face, but didn't turn to face Lodge as he muttered "Oh, shut up, Kevin."

Lodge grinned to himself as he considered how to play his new character. He had a pretty good picture of how to act, but hadn't quite worked out where Cass had got the voice and inflection from. Maybe one of those crime show guys - Bill Kurtis or Robert Stack?

* * * *

"Kneel, slaves," Drazuul commanded.

"Yes, my Master," Silence replied, kneeling at Drazuul's feet.

" _I would never say that!"_

" _Please," Lodge replied in his Brother Silence voice. "Let me play_ my _character."_

"My body and will are yours to defile, my Master," Silence continued, licking Drazuul's boot like an eager puppy as Luster looked on uncomfortably. Drazuul looked down in disgust and pulled his foot away.

"My Lady," Drazuul oozed, stroking Luster's chin. "You tempt me. Like the evil in your heart, your beauty is unsurpassed."

"I'm not evil!" Luster protested. "I'm chaotic neutral!"

"You shall be my new bride and concubine!" Drazuul continued, ignoring her.

"I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I'm not..." Luster began. She paused, truth dawning in her eyes. "Oh, wait, I am. Crap! I'm a woman!"

Drazuul spoke again, still ignoring Luster's words. "My dear, what is a wedding without guests?" As the demon raised his arms, corpses rose to shambling unlife around them. Luster stared in horror.

"Kiss me, my darling!"

Luster leaned awkwardly and reluctantly forward, compelled into Drazuul's repulsive embrace. "Oh...Ew!" she exclaimed, even as she leaned nearer.

* * * *

Cass slumped in his chair, his left elbow resting on the back of Joanna's chair as he drummed the fingers of his right hand on a stack of gaming books.

"After five minutes, there's no sign of the others," Lodge informed Leo and Joanna.

"We go in after 'em!" Joanna resolved.

Gary leaned well into Leo's personal space. "Five bucks says you're dead again."

"You're on, ass-jackal."

* * * *

Flynn, Osric, and Daphne peeked from around the same cottage that had initially concealed Silence and Luster. Looking into the clear center of the village, they saw Luster standing reluctantly before a demon. Silence, sitting happily at the demon's feet, pointed at them and announced "Master! More slaves for the lust pits!" He punctuated the pronouncement with a few 'wwwaaaas' and some obscene hip gestures.

Osric stepped out from the concealment of the cottage wall and used his blade to point at the fiend.

"You! Hellborn!" he cried, the pommel of his sword glowing with holy light. "Turn!"

The sword heated with unholy fire, burning Osric's hand and forcing him to fling the sword from his grasp. He cradled his burned hand in shock and pain.

"Luster, run!" Daphne called.

"Compelled here, thank you!"

The demon laughed.

"My music will save you!" Flynn cried, and began to strum his mandolin furiously. "Countersong!" he said forcefully.

Luster felt the power of the demon's control slipping. She kicked Drazuul forcefully in the nads and ran to join her companions. Drazuul groaned helplessly for a moment, then stood upright once again. He belched a stream of black acid at Flynn, melting the bard into a pile of goo.

Flynn's mandolin dropped to the ground.

"Yeah, he's pissed," Luster observed helpfully.

* * * *

Gary leaned toward Leo and coughed meaningfully. Leo picked up a five dollar bill, reached into his shirt, and wiped it belligerently in his armpit, then slammed it down on the table in front of Gary, who promptly picked it up and stuffed it in his mouth.

"New character?" Leo asked Lodge.

"Sure."

Leo pulled a new character sheet out of his folder.

"Welcome to the party!" Cass greeted the replacement Flynn. "We're all gonna die."

"That's a defeatist attitude," Joanna challenged.

"Then perhaps you can explain to me how we're going to slay a demon when our wizard wasted his demon-frying spell on a _peasant_!"

"You thought that was a great idea!" Gary protested.

"Why can't he just cast another?" Joanna asked.

"Because," Cass explained, "it takes eight hours of rest to regain spells, and that's with no distractions."

Gary brightened, pointing at Lodge. "Activate Arcane Recollection!"

"Right," Lodge acknowledged. "Which does...?"

"At the cost of two spell slots, I can regain any previously cast spell in ten rounds."

"Assuming you can concentrate."

"Well then," declared Gary, in a voice that made Joanna wonder why we was trying to sound like Sean Connery, "it falls to the rest of the party to protect me. "

* * * *

Luster sat on a barrel, with her back to the cottage wall and her spell book open in her lap. Daphne and Osric posted themselves in front of her as Silence led a wave of zombies in their direction. Flynn, now sporting a black cloak, stepped in behind Daphne. She glanced at him, surprised, then nodded and refocused her attention on their approaching adversaries.

Silence attacked Daphne, flipping heavily over her spear as he avoided the force of her blow. _Impressive move,_ thought Daphne. _That can't have been easy._ Daphne hit him in the head with the butt of her spear, dazing him and forcing him briefly to the ground, where Osric knelt and placed a hand on his back. The paladin's hand glowed with holy light, and Silence visibly shook off Drazuul's spell.

"Keep it down! I can't concentrate!" Luster whined in irritation.

"My music will help!" Flynn cried. Two zombies pulled him to the ground, biting him in the head. Luster stuck a finger in her ear without looking up.

* * * *

Leo whipped out another character sheet and slapped it on the table, glaring defiantly at Lodge.

"How many of those have you got?"

"FIFTY!"

* * * *

Flynn, in a dark brown cloak, ran in to rejoin the others. Two zombies focused on him, killing him swiftly.

Leo gleefully slapped another character sheet down on the table. "I can do this all night!" he hollered.

Zombies pressed in toward the heroes in interminable waves. The party killed them swiftly and easily, but there always seemed to be more ready to rise up and replace them.

Flynn, in a light brown cloak, charged into the battlefield. "Never fear, Flynn is..." killed by zombies.

Flynn, in a red cloak, leapt back onto the battlefield. "Quiver in fear, for I...." A zombie threw Flynn over his shoulder, chewing on Flynn's thigh as it carried him off.

"No! No! Mommy! Mommy!" Flynn cried helplessly as he died.

Flynn, in a gray cloak, charged the battlefield crying "Evildoers! Prepare to die!"

Silence swiftly slew three zombies with his bare hands – but not the ones descending upon Flynn...

"Don't distract me!" Luster complained, without looking up from her spellbook. "I'm almost done!" Flynn screamed as the zombies took him...

A black-cloaked Flynn roared "Avast ye...." Pointing at a zombie. Two others came up behind him, pulling him to the ground.

Flynn, in a dark brown cloak, shrieked like a little girl. "I'm gonna die!"

Daphne killed the zombies nearest her and looked toward Drazuul who, she noted, hadn't moved the entire time.

" _Why hasn't Drazuul moved?"_

" _Good question. Spot check. "_

Dice roll.

Daphne pointed to a pentagram made up of white rocks surrounding Drazuul. "The demon is trapped in the pentagram!"

"Now we have him!" cheered a grey-cloaked Flynn. The minstrel's gleeful shout was punctuated by death howls as zombies descended upon him.

Flynn, in an orange cloak, taunted "there's 37 more of me, assholes! Yeah! Yeah!" as the zombies carried him off.

A zombie stepped out from behind the cottage. Luster aimed her crossbow behind her, firing it without looking up while Osric cleared the zombies in front of her. Luster closed her book and stood with a confident smile on her face.

"Darling!" she called to Drazuul. "Prepare to receive the Flaming Hand of Fiery Doom!"

Drazuul fired a bolt of blue-white lightning at the party, disintegrating Flynn as the remaining heroes scattered.

* * * *

Leo slapped down another character sheet with a frustrated growl.

"Marvelous!" Cass cried. "It's a lightning party, and everyone's invited! I suggest we get the hell out of here.

"What about the spell?" Joanna asked.

"No good." Gary replied. "Drazuul moves before me. He'd blast me unless I had a barricade or something."

Leo brightened with inspiration. "Hide behind the mound... of dead bards!!"

* * * *

Luster, Silence, Osric, and Daphne dove behind the massive pile of dead bards, narrowly dodging another lightning bolt.

" _I have to stand up to cast. I'll be a sitting duck."_

" _I've got your back."_

As Luster stood to cast her spell, a series of Flynns leapt in the path of Drazuul's lightning bolts. Globes of red and white light flew from Luster's hands, striking Drazuul and freezing him in place as the zombies fell, inert. The heroes approached Drazuul warily.

" _What happened to the Hand of Doom?" Joanna asked._

" _He was expecting that. I used a Hold spell instead. That way, we can question him."_

" _Well played, Gary." For once, Lodge didn't mind the sound of that._

Luster grabbed Drazuul by the hair and pulled his head backward. "Where is your master?" Drazuul only laughed in reply.

Luster held up a water skin. "Sir Osric, can you bless this water?" Osric made the Therin A-OK and laid his hands on the skin, a holy glow briefly enveloping them.

"This flask is now full of holy water," Luster pointed out to Drazuul. "Tell us what we want to know or I'll give you a bath."

"Your threat's empty. A paladin cannot stand by while torture takes place."

The other heroes stared expectantly at Osric, who finally sighed and turned to look at one of the cottages.

"My," declared Osric without conviction. "What fine yet rustic architecture. I think I will examine it more closely." Daphne patted him on the back as he walked away. Drazuul's eyes widened in fear.

Luster poured a small stream of holy water on the shrieking demon's head. Daphne glared menacingly at Drazuul as Silence and Flynn shrank away in disgust.

"Where is your master?" Luster asked again.

When Drazuul didn't respond, Luster reminded him, "The paladin can always bless more water," She turned to the party members and asked casually, "didn't we pass a lake on the way here?"

Drazuul finally gave in. "The mines! You'll find the entrance in the mines!"

"And how do we defeat him?"

"The book! His power is in the book. But his is not the power to fear. Your real enemy is..." Luster cut him off.

"Thank you. You've been most helpful. Oh, one more thing..." She emptied the rest of the holy water onto Drazuul's head, destroying him, while the remaining party members cringed, sickened. "Enough, enough, enough," Silence murmured as Daphne raised her cloak to cover her mouth and nose.

Flynn clapped a queasy-looking Osric jovially on the back as he returned to the group.

"Total waffle for the paladin!"

"I feel... dirty...." Osric replied in a pathetic tone.

##  Chapter 15: Mort Kemnon's Secret Cave HQ

Guen sat majestically inside the top pizza box, watching the action on the table as Lodge continued to narrate.

"You follow an overgrown wagon trail out of town. The trail winds towards an ominous looking mine set in the foot of the mountains. At the entrance to the mine, you find narrow stairs plunging far underground."

Lodge began laying out dungeon tiles.

"The hallway leads deep into the darkness. The flames from your torches seems to shy away from the dark. At the end of the passage, you find yourselves in a great hall. All right," he said, placing more miniatures on the table. "Mini time! Mark your spots."

The gamers – except for Joanna – produced miniatures of their characters. Joanna looked to Leo, who seemed to have quite a few minis with him.

"Can I borrow one of those?"

"Uh – yeah," he said, handing one to her. "She's the only female I've got," he added apologetically. Joanna examined the tiny barbarian whose busty figure was clearly exposed by her bikini mail. Her broadsword was raised high above her head, ensuring her arms did not block any part of the view. Joanna eyed Leo with an amused smile. "Sorry," he said sheepishly as Joanna placed her mini on the dungeon tile.

* * * *

The heroes stood in a dark dungeon hallway. Cloth hangings decorated the walls, and their meager torches seemed to enhance the darkness, rather than banish it.

"I do not like this room," Flynn whined.

"Take strength in our unity, bard," Osric reassured him.

"My name is not 'bard!'" Flynn erupted. "I am Flynn the twenty-sixth. My ancestors died on the battlefield not ten minutes ago!" Fortunately for Osric, who had no idea how to respond to that, Daphne chose that moment to speak.

"I have successfully completed a listen check. We must take this passage." The party turned to acknowledge Daphne, then stopped as one, gaping at her.

"What? WHAT?!" Daphne looked down at herself, spying the bikini mail and broadsword. "This is not what I look like!" she protested in outrage. "Turn. Around!" she demanded. The heroes turned their backs to her, except for Luster, who tried to spin all the way back around to face her. "Stop!" she threatened, and Luster obeyed. "Move out!"

The heroes moved obediently down the passage, certain that whatever lay in that direction could not possibly be as fearsome as what raged behind them...

The party cautiously stalked the dark hallway, torchlight flickering against the stone walls. Their footsteps were the only sound, save the occasional clinking of armor.

They found the end of the corridor blocked by a simple wooden door. _Simple?_ Osric thought. _Nothing thus far has been simple – this has to be a trap._ Silence tiptoed to his side, reaching a dexterous hand to the doorknob.

Flynn caught Silence's arm, pointing to the mystic scribble on the door. Silence patted the bard approvingly on the head and gestured for Osric. The paladin handed off the torch he was carrying and stepped up to the door, gesturing at the runes, which then burned away in a bright flash of Therin's light.

Luster handed her torch to Osric and stepped to Silence's side as he opened the door. The heroes headed cautiously down the corridor, entering a room at the end of the passage.

A henchman sat atop a large chest, a lit torch in his hand.

"Nodwick!" Luster cried. "You're still alive?"

* * * *

Joanna looked questioningly at Leo and Gary. "Nodwick? Who's Nodwick?"

"Henchman from our last campaign," Leo explained.

"Really? Cool. Wait – how long has he been here?"

"In game time?" Lodge thought for a moment. "About two months."

"You guys just left him here all alone?" Joanna asked, appalled.

"Well," Gary began. Joanna looked to her right to find that Gary had his shirt pulled up over his head, the neck opening offering him breathing space, surrounding his eyes, nose, and mouth. Leo was holding the strings of a skull-themed dice bag against Gary's head, the skull hanging down in front of the opening and obscuring Gary's features.

Gary continued in a matter-of-fact tone. "Being dead, we had little choice."

"There's no way he's still alive after eight weeks," Cass opined.

"You left three months worth of provisions in that Chest of Holding," Lodge reminded Cass. "Along with everything else." Lodge winced and dropped his head to his chest, realizing his error.

Gary whipped the dice bag to the side and pulled the shirt down to make eye contact with Cass. " _Everything_ else?!"

"Our gear!" Cass shouted, overjoyed.

* * * *

"Nodwick," Luster approached the henchman carefully, "don't you recognize us? It's me, Fastidian."

"Why are you wearing a dress?" Nodwick asked suspiciously.

"What? Oh yeah, right. Tag!" Gary – for once! \- remembered he was playing a chick and exchanged a high-five with his alter ego as she stepped into her place.

"We've come to retrieve our goods," Silence explained. "It's us, your former masters."

Nodwick looked on skeptically. "Hang on a minute," he said, finally working it through. "You're not my former masters. You're completely different characters being played by the same players."

" _Nodwick has no idea who your new characters are," Lodge reminded them. For once, there was no argument about player knowledge vs. character knowledge._

"I have never seen you before in my life. Shove off!" Nodwick declared confidently.

"Sorry to bother you, sir," Osric apologized with a bow. Luster grabbed the paladin's arm as he turned to leave, holding him in place.

"It's us Nodwick!" she insisted. "Turk, Rennard, all of us!"

Nodwick looked at her curiously. "Weren't you a man just a second ago?"

Frustrated, Luster moved her hands in the beginning of a spell. "I have another spell..." she threatened through gritted teeth.

"Wait," Flynn soothed. "I'll charm him!"

Nodwick visibly relaxed as Flynn strummed his mandolin, finishing with a flourish and a creepy, smiling nod to the henchman.

"Well," Nodwick finally decided. "Given that my former masters are more than likely dead, I suppose you can have what's in the chest." Silence and Luster reached for the chest, but were stopped by Nodwick's voice.

"Ah ah ah...." He held his hand out to stop them. "But I get to carry it!"

"Done and done!" Silence agreed, handing Nodwick his torch and opening the chest.

"That's it?" Daphne asked Nodwick, amazed. "You're giving in that easily?"

Nodwick shrugged. "You have to admit, that mandolin is quite persuasive..."

_Apparently,_ Daphne thought, with new respect for the bard.

* * * *

Leo turned to Gary. "Gary, you got that list of what all's in the trunk?"

"Right here" he answered, holding up a piece of paper.

"We can plunder anything from the list, right?" Leo asked Lodge

"I...suppose..." Lodge answered hesitantly This was not going to go well, was it?

* * * *

Silence named the items as he pulled them out of chest, handing them off to Luster, who passed them to Flynn.

"Spiked codpiece..."

He set the rapier aside – no point in that, he thought, as he briefly considered the unfairness of Lodge refusing to let him play an elf.

"Kneepads of Allure..." _Great!_ He thought, _those kneepads are one of the most useful items in the game._ He set the Dagger of Treachery aside. _No rogue,_ he thought disconsolately.

"Unnatural Axe." Well, Daphne was a warrior, it might be useful...

"Li...."

Silence cut the word off before it formed, glancing around furtively to see if anyone was watching him. Seeing nobody looking in his direction, he stealthily tucked what looked like a two-handed flashlight into his robes. He slipped a few more items out of sight and stood, whistling, as he closed the chest.

"And now begins the killing," Silence declared, in a tone that made Joanna think this was not the first time the words had been spoken.

"Nodwick," Silence instructed. "Wait here until we return."

"I've heard _that_ before," Nodwick answered. _Ah, well. At least this one doesn't have a stupid, outrageous accent...._

The heroes exited the far side of the room, through a doorway that looked like it had been recently bricked up – and then knocked clear again. They made their way forward to the end of the short passage, and strode confidently into the room at its far end. The room was dank and festooned with spider webs. A chest, draped with a strip of fabric supporting a sealed urn, sat in a random-seeming location on the floor. To the right of it, a hooded figure huddled on an elaborate throne set against the far wall, dimly lit by a series of candles.

"Mort Kemnon!"

Flynn's words were an announcement, an accusation, and a warning, all rolled into a single whimpering statement. Kemnon drew himself erect, flinging the gray cowl back to reveal the squiggling tattoos of the death god on either side of his hairless pate.

"More uninvited guests," he said with an overconfident smirk, as the party lined up before the throne to confront him

"Your reign of terror ends here," Silence informed him calmly.

"By the light of Therin, you shall fall!" Luster declared confidently as Osric moved to stand at her side.

Mort Kemnon accepted Luster's challenge, rising unhurriedly to his feet as purple-black magical energy wreathed his hands. "What good is the light of your goddess?" he asked. "She cannot help you here."

Osric blinked his surprise as the Light from the Sunburst on his shield faded. The party looked down at his shield, staring in shock at the darkened holy symbol.

Osric felt it then - the Absence of Light. The power of the goddess was gone from him. "No!" he cried in horror. "We're......"

"Doomed, yes." Kemnon finished the sentence for him, as the sound of shrieking undead rose nearby.

"Go web, go!" Luster cried, blocking the doorway with her spell.

_Well_ , Kemnon ruminated. _I hadn't really expected that..._

"Face us, necromancer," Osric challenged, stepping forward confidently.

"Face my bodyguards, mortals," Kemnon demurred.

" _Bodyguards?"_

" _I don't remember any...."_

Three zombies stepped out from behind the throne. The guys quickly recognized them as Turk, Rennard, and Fastidian.

"Oh."

Silence drew the two-handed flashlight from his robes and activated it.

* * * *

"You can't use a light saber!" Lodge screamed. "It's not even the right _system_!"

Cass sat with his fingers steepled at his chin, a complacent and satisfied look on his face. "Ah, ah, ah," he said in his Brother Silence voice. "I see no light saber. That would be copyright infringement. I see a Psionic Spirit Blade."

"You do _not_ have my permission to use that in my campaign!" Lodge howled.

"Fine," Cass yelled back. "Then you do not have my permission to use my old character. You never asked me to make him an NPC and I'm pretty sure you didn't ask Ropey or Dopey either!" As he spoke, he pointed at Gary and Leo, who shook their heads 'no.'

_Great – three on one,_ Lodge thought, trying hard not to have a stroke. _Pick your battles._ He tried – unsuccessfully – not to yell his answer.

"You can use the stuff in the trunk. But that's it!"

* * * *

The three zombies flanking Mort Kemnon donned cloth masks.

Apparently, Kemnon likes his zombies to be ninjas... Cass decided now might not be the time to make an issue of it.

Osric raised his sword, its pommel glowing blue-white with Therin's Light. He had managed a tenuous restoration of his connection to the goddess, and hoped it was strong enough...

"Turn!" he commanded the zombies. Before the word was completely out of his mouth, the Light sputtered out. The failure of the spell threw him backward.

Flynn looked around in panic. "Watch out for Rennard!" he cried. "He'll backstab you!"

Rennard sprang up and buried a long dagger in Flynn's back.

"Just like that!" Flynn said as he fell dead. Daphne touched him with the staff, resurrecting him as Luster engaged Rennard. Luster and Rennard circled, daggers drawn, each trying to flank the other. Turk hit Daphne with his axe and knocked her across the room.

" _Daphne takes 39 damage"_

" _Oh, god – I've only got 6 hit points!"_

Silence attacked Kemnon with the li... Psionic Spirit Blade. Kemnon countered with his hand, then used the same invisible force to throw Silence across the room. Silence collided with Turk, who disarmed him. The monk swung at Turk with his hands, wincing as he realized how little his training had prepared him for smashing his fists into a metal shield.

Kemnon watched the action gleefully. "Splendid!" he declared – then paused, trying to locate the odd sound he had just heard. He looked up in fear. Up? There was nothing above him but a stone ceiling...

And yet, somehow, above him and beyond his reach, a great black cat perched menacingly. He had heard tell of the giant Astral Panthers, but had never seen one before. Surely this was the beast that stared down at him from an impossible location in his own lair.

The vile wizard screamed and backed away, drawing the attention of the others. They all looked up, shrieked, and scattered, leaving that ridiculous bard alone in the center of the room.

"Save me!" Flynn begged loudly. "Save meeee......!" as the great black shadow descended upon him.

* * * *

Guen sat where she had landed among the scattered minis, her mouth wrapped around one of the metal figures.

"Leggo my mini!" Leo demanded. _Stupid cat!_

"Oh, Guenhwyvar, get off the table!" Lodge picked the cat up, removing Flynn's mini from her jaws, and set her on the floor, returning the mini to Leo.

"I believe I had an arm..." Leo pointed out haughtily. Gary spotted the arm on the table and handed it to Leo.

"Thank you," he replied somewhat pathetically, as he glued the arm back on.

Lodge reassembled the dungeon tiles and set the table back to rights. "I think that's everything..."

Cass pointed to a spot on the edge of the dungeon layout. "Um – I think you're missing a section of wall there."

"Really?" Lodge looked around, ducking his head under the table to see if anything had dropped to the floor. Cass took the opportunity to quickly reposition some of the minis.

Joanna looked a challenge at him, then glanced at Lodge and shrugged, smiling conspiratorially at Cass.

"No, I think that's everything," Lodge said as he bobbed back up from under the table.

"Hm," Cass replied innocently. "My mistake."

Cass, unnoticed by Lodge, smiled smugly at how cleverly he had used the feline intervention to their advantage.

* * * *

When the battle resumed, Luster stood behind Rennard. Fastidian found himself flanked by the paladin and the warrior, while Silence eyed a clear shot at Turk from the side. The bard had a thick ring of hardened goo around his right shoulder.

Silence swung the spirit blade in a practiced arc, cutting the zombie warrior in half. Daphne and Osric stabbed Fastidian, Osric saying a silent prayer that the Priest's soul would now be at peace, and reside in the Light. Luster backstabbed Rennard, whose death yell sounded outrageously foreign...

"Stupid cat," Kemnon muttered. He pulled his cowl down over his face as Silence charged him. Silence's swing cleaved the throne in two, but by the time the monk arrived, the Mort had vanished.

"Where has he gone?" Silence demanded, confused.

Flynn, ran up to a hanging on the wall behind the throne and pointed. "Hey!" he cried, his arm falling to the ground at his feet. "There's a hidden door here!"

The party charged through the doorway, Flynn picking up his arm and trying to re-attach it as he walked. The doorway opened on a narrow upward-curving passage. Osric reached forward, laying hands on the injured Daphne, certain she would need her health for the battle to come.

As they rounded the final curve, daylight could be seen at the top of the stairway. Osric looked at Daphne, and quickly removed his hand from her left buttock.

##  Chapter 16: The Final Battle

They emerged onto a great stone platform, bounded by high walls. Desiccated mummies lay where the former owners of their bodies had, presumably, fallen while still chained to the rings in the walls. On one side of the circle stood an altar draped in a red cloth. It held a massive skull that could only be one thing – a dragon - and an iron-bound book.

Mort Kemnon, servant of Death, stood at the altar with his right hand on the book, his left raised to the sky.

"Welcome to the temple of a _true_ god!" he greeted them. "I promise you, this will be our final confrontation." He placed a black mask on his face, and was surrounded by swirling darkness as he turned to face them.

Silence activated his spirit blade. Kemnon calmly licked his fingers and made a pinching gesture, snuffing the light out like a candle. Silence examined it for a moment, then shrugged it away, preparing to fight unarmed.

The heroes – first Daphne, then Silence and Osric - lunged at the necromancer and were hurled aside by a magical force. Kemnon folded his arms and walked toward them. Daphne came to her feet and pounced again, followed by Silence and Osric a second time, and then a third. Flynn plucked maniacally at his mandolin.

Kemnon picked up Daphne's dropped spear and tossed it casually to her, then pushed forth an invisible layer of force, throwing all the heroes back.

"Surely you can do better," he taunted.

"As you wish," Silence replied, pulling a shotgun from his robes.

" _What the...?"_

" _It's from the trunk."_

Silence unloaded all three barrels – er, rounds – into Kemnon, who shielded himself with a magical force field.

Daphne, having already failed to best the villain in physical combat, looked around frantically for a more useful option.

"The book!" she cried, remembering Drazuul's words as she spotted the tome on the altar. "The book!! Destroy the grimoire!"

Mort Kemnon's backhand sent her sprawling. He achieved his goal of shutting her up – but a moment too late. Flynn and Luster ran for the altar as the mummies, now animated, slipped their chains and gave chase.

Cass threw the empty shotgun aside and pulled a chainsaw out of...

_Where the heck did he have_ that _hidden,_ Osric wondered incredulously.

Out of... somewhere, and charged at the nearest mummies, intent on bloody dismemberment, if not utter destruction, of the necromancer's minions. He freed Luster from the mummies who were holding her, and charged onward to the next undead.

" _Flynn is alone with the grimoire."_

Flynn stood before the book, brandishing a dagger.

* * * *

"I stab it. Wait! I backstab it!"

"Good call," Cass commended him.

"You can't backstab it. You can't sneak attack an inanimate object!" Lodge pointed out.

"Why not? It's prone!" Leo protested.

"It doesn't have a discernible anatomy!"

"It's got a spine, doesn't it?"

Leo grabbed a jade colored 20-sided and rolled the sneak attack despite Lodge's protests.

The bright gold '1'stared up at him.

Flynn set his mandolin on the altar and raised his dagger above his head. He thrust downward to bury his dagger in the book. His sweeping strike missed the book and arced into his ribcage. Flynn the 26th fell to the ground at the foot of the altar, dead.

Everyone stared open-mouthed at Leo. He stared back at them for a moment and, finally, said "bards suck."

"That was unprecedented, Leo!" Lodge said in an awestruck tone.

"On the up side though," Gary offered, "you did give me a chance to finish casting my spell."

"Which one?" Lodge asked.

"Please."

* * * *

Luster finished casting her spell. The grimoire burst into flame. Kemnon, standing nearby, shrieked and ignited as well. The book exploded into a fiery ball, rocking the necromancer with heat, force, and fire.

" _Wo-wo-wowoah." Cass halted their celebrations before they could begin. "He's not dead yet."_

Silence produced dynamite from his backpack, tossing it to where Kemnon lay wounded on the stone floor. The monk pushed the plunger on the dynamite with a war howl, exploding Kemnon again.

Mort Kemnon, personal servant of Death, fell into a burning heap as the Mask of Death clattered to the ground.

"You think you have beaten me," Kemnon laughed weakly.

"Pretty much. You did just explode..." Luster pointed out.

"Twice, actually," Silence amended.

"You have only made him..." a death rattle interrupted Kemnon's final words. "More powerful." Kemnon's maniacal laugh continued to echo as his writhing body faded away, leaving only the Mask of Death lying on the smoldering stone.

##  Chapter 17: The Not-So-Grand Hierophant

"Can we please go to sleep now?" Flynn whined. "I'm almost dead."

"You can sleep when we're done here," Daphne chided.

"Seriously, I've got one hit point here."

"Do you remember what Mort Kemnon said right before we killed him?"

"Blaaaarrrrgh?" Luster offered from the far end of the campfire.

"No, 'you have only made him more powerful.' What did he mean?"

"Death, obviously." Silence spat in an annoyed tone. "His god – the source of his power."

"Why would Death become more powerful after we had killed his greatest servant?" She paused for a moment, as the others considered her logic. "I don't think we've met the final enemy."

"Super!" Flynn said sarcastically. "Can we go to bed now?"

"In a minute, bard-boy!" Daphne said impatiently. "There's something we're missing... There's some connection we haven't made." Daphne and Osric eyed each other, puzzled and suspicious.

Silence leaned forward. "You are creating problems where there are none. Our adventure has ended."

"How do you mean?" Daphne asked. It was Flynn who answered.

"We killed Mort Kemnon, we have the Mask. It's experience points and waffle time."

"Flynn, you said the Mask of Death gives its wearer the power of his god, correct?"

* * * *

"What of it?" Leo asked.

"Well, then, it wouldn't matter if the Hierophant worships Death or not. He could use the Mask to gain the power of Therin."

"Why would he do that? He's already her Hierophant."

"Guys!" Gary insisted. "Can we do this in the morning?"

"It's what my character would do."

"Wonder what my character would do...." Gary muttered.

* * * *

Silence gave Osric an authoritative look. "Our reputation has endured. We have beaten this challenge."

"If we have beaten this challenge, why are we still playing?" Daphne demanded.

The group fell silent. Silence blinked a few times. Luster looked up at the turkey and her face lit up with wicked inspiration.

Lodge frowned, reading the note that Gary handed to him. 'Raise Dead on the turkey. P. S. Buck futter!'

From its spit over their campfire, the small turkey that had been slated to be their dinner began to writhe. It worked its way off the spit, and began to wander around. Silence and Flynn leapt up and away, wide-eyed, followed swiftly by the rest of the party.

"You raised our dinner from the dead!" Daphne accused, looking at Luster.

"Apparently..."

"Total waffle."

"I am morally obliged to destroy this monstrosity," Osric declared, twirling his sword so the pommel was up.

"Go get 'em, tiger," Osric wasn't sure who said the words.

"What would the Hierophant say?" he asked.

"We would congratulate you on your victory," the Hierophant intoned, his ghostly image appearing in the firelight.

"Your grace!" Osric said, kicking the blasphemous bird out of the Hierophant's line of sight. "We were not expecting you!"

"We forgive you," the Hierophant answered benevolently. "The Mask of Death – you have obtained it?"

"Yes, your grace."

"Then the land shall finally know peace. Quickly now – hand it over so we may rush it to the cathedral."

"What you ask is impossible, your grace."

"We have sworn to return it to the king," Joanna explained.

"Aye, and he shall have it," the Hierophant affirmed. "Rest assured, we come with his blessing. Now hand over the Mask."

"Your grace, I cannot..." Osric apologized.

"This is not the time for personal glory, Sir Osric. You will hand over the Mask."

"Your grace has our answer," Osric answered resolutely.

"This is treason. You have been corrupted by the Mask!"

"I'm gonna die," Flynn declared.

"Yeah you are..." Luster agreed, as Flynn stalked calmly off to hide behind the abandoned hut.

"Seeya," Daphne nodded agreement.

The forgotten turkey meandered behind the building behind him.

"How you shame Therin by aligning with darkness!" the Hierophant accused Osric. Silence chose this moment to remember he was role-playing, once again attempting to appear wise.

"He who stumbles around in darkness with a stick is blind, but he who sticks out in darkness is..." Silence paused, uncertain. "Fluorescent."

The group stared at Silence, uncomprehending.

* * * *

The entire group gaped, perplexed and appalled, at Cass.

"Lose 50 experience," Lodge ordered in quiet disgust.

* * * *

"If you would worship death," the Hierophant continued, "then do so at his side! The light of Therin is withdrawn from you!"

Light from the Hierophant's spectral hand burst into Osric's chest, knocking him down and knocking the Mask from his hand. As Daphne rushed to assist, the remaining heroes were knocked from their feet by the Hierophant's Light.

Flynn ducked down behind a barrel at the corner of the building, relieved that the Hierophant seemed to have forgotten him.

As the Hierophant retrieved the Mask and faded away, Flynn spotted the turkey. Before the bard could react, the undead bird attacked. Flynn fell to the ground on his back as the homicidal grouse leapt on top of him.

Osric held his sword up to the bird. "Turn!" he commanded without confidence. As he expected, nothing happened. The Hierophant had spoken truly – the Light of Therin had left him altogether. "I've lost my powers," he affirmed, as his comrades stared in disbelief.

Luster strode up behind the turkey, stabbing it in the back. She ripped a piece off with her teeth and declared "It's still good!"

* * * *

"It is apparent in the aftermath of the battle, the Hierophant is now your enemy," Lodge informed them unnecessarily.

"I should have known that dude was evil," Cass lamented. "I coulda killed him when I had the chance."

"See," Gary said defensively, "that's why I kill so many NPCs. You never know."

"At least we can resurrect Flynn," Joanna said hopefully.

"Actually, no," Lodge corrected. "The staff is out of charges."

Joanna and Gary tossed down their pencils and Cass laughed morbidly, shaking his head.

* * * *

Luster munched on turkey as the others contemplated Flynn's latest corpse.

"We must retrieve the Mask," Silence decreed. "The longer we wait, the more time the Hierophant has to consolidate power."

"It will take us days to cross the mountains," Daphne observed.

"We haven't a moment to lose." Silence was already considering their next move

##  Chapter 18: Return To Whitetower

"You journey swiftly back into the King's lands. As you go, you notice signs of decay that were not there when your adventure began. You arrive to find the cathedral guarded by paladins."

"They're gonna be lookin' for us," Joanna said apprehensively.

"We'll need a distraction," Gary suggested.

Cass turned to Gary with a predatory smile.

"What?!" Gary asked. He was afraid to find out what Cass had in mind...

* * * *

A priest and several paladins guarded the side entrance to the cathedral. The party members hid as Luster dragged the cart bearing Flynn's body to the cathedral. She was stopped by the priest as she reached the entrance.

"Ho, peasant," the priest challenged in a friendly but authoritative tone. "What business brings you to Therin's temple?"

"Please, father. My husband is dead. Raise him with Therin's healing hand."

"Your...uh... husband?" the priest asked in a puzzled tone.

"Yeah," Luster replied. "I am so a woman." And suddenly, she was.

"Be that as it may," acknowledged the cleric, a little nonplussed. "Death is a natural thing. We can't resurrect every yeoman who falls."

"Not even if I make a donation to the church?" Luster asked, holding out a sizeable bag of gold.

The Priest tucked the bag into his belt. "Therin's blessings be upon you." He turned to the paladins and instructed "Escort this... _lady_... to the infirmary."

The paladins led Luster inside. The mage snatched the bag of gold from the priest's belt as she passed.

Silence slipped out from behind a tree and struck the priest in the ribs, paralyzing him with a quiet 'wwwaaaa!' The heroes hurried past while the paralysis lasted. Osric paused at the doorway and looked back.

"I...uh...Sorry, Bill..."

* * * *

Flynn lay in the cathedral infirmary flanked by priestesses. Luster stood to the side as a priestess bathed Flynn's forehead in holy water. Flynn smiled as they revived him.

"That music – I've heard it before..."

"It's the Hymn to Therin," the priestess replied. "It calls forth the love of our goddess."

_Apparently, it also calls forth the love of comrades,_ Luster thought as the rest of the heroes entered the room. Daphne beckoned to Flynn and Luster.

"Alive? Good – it's time."

"Keep that water handy," Flynn instructed the priestess good-naturedly.

"OK," she replied with a smile.

* * * *

The cathedral doors burst open and the heroes strode in.

"Grand Hierophant, we beg an audience!" Daphne demanded.

"Ah... Uninvited guests."

"Give us the Mask," Osric commanded.

"And why would we do this?"

"It must be destroyed," Flynn declared.

"My dear boy," the Hierophant replied, sounding amused. "Why would I wish the Mask destroyed?"

"It is evil," Daphne pointed out. "It must be destroyed, for the glory of your goddess."

"It is for the glory of our goddess that we shall wear the Mask!" the Hierophant declared. The heroes recoiled in horror.

"How can you not understand? Before the threat of Mort Kemnon, the people turned their backs on Therin. They became complacent, unholy. By depriving them of their goddess, I have rekindled their faith! Their fear of Death drives them into the saving light of Therin!"

Daphne raised her spear. "When the King finds out what you've done..."

"The king?" scoffed the Hierophant. "The King would not understand. Now I rule - as King, as Hierophant, and as avatar of our goddess!" The Hierophant donned the vile Mask in a swirl of power and light.

"I brought peace to these unworthy lands! I resurrected the glory of the light! And only I am deserving of the power of Therin! Now," he commanded, pointing at the heroes, "kneel before your new god!"

Pinpoints of light erupted from the Hierophant's fingertips. The heroes were forced to their knees by the Mask's magic. As Osric struggled to stand, the Hierophant raised Daphne to her feet and gestured to the Inquisitor. The Inquisitor grabbed her, holding a blade to her throat.

Osric, energized to save his companion, finally forced himself to his feet and skewered the Inquisitor.

"You have betrayed your vows and your goddess," Osric declared, pointing his sword at the Hierophant. "She will not stand for this blasphemy, and neither will I!"

"Then join her in the world beyond!" the Hierophant bellowed. The Hierophant fired another ray of light at Osric, who screamed and writhed on the floor in pain.

Flynn pulled out his mandolin, muttering "now, how did that go...? Umm... Ah, yes!" and began to play the Hymn to Therin.

The light around Osric winked out and Osric fell still as the sound of the hymn drew the Hierophant's attention to the bard.

Atop the Hierophant's staff, the Heart of Therin began to glow, seeming to respond to the bard's song.

"Goddess?" the Hierophant asked in wonder.

Osric suddenly understood. The Heart of Therin was said to be made of pure Light – Therin's element. "Daphne!" he cried. "The Heart! Therin is trapped in the Heart!"

The Hierophant silenced Osric with another bolt of light. Osric writhed again in pain as the Hierophant tried to cover the glowing Heart of Therin with his hands. The Hierophant's face showed genuine fear as the Heart burned his fingertips.

"I am your avatar!" the Hierophant cried beseechingly as a pulse of light from the gem knocked the Mask from his face. The heroes found themselves freed by the jolt, and the Mask landed within reach of Osric's hand.

Daphne rose, addressing the Hierophant. "The light of Therin be upon you," she said, in a tone that did not sound at all like a benediction.

The Hierophant's cry of "No!" was the last sound Daphne ever heard him make. She hurled her spear at the Heart, shattering it in a blinding flash of light.

When the light faded and the cathedral returned to normal, Daphne, the Hierophant, and Inquisitor were gone. Flynn, Silence, and Luster stood alone. Their eyes quickly came to rest on Osric, lying dead on his back with the broken pieces of the Mask of Death resting on his chest.

##  Chapter 19: Her Heart's True Wish

Daphne blinked and looked around. She was surrounded by warmth, and light colored the rose and gold of midsummer daybreak. Was she dead?

As she turned, her eyes came to rest on a beautiful woman, emanating childlike innocence and boundless compassion.

Not a woman – a goddess.

Therin!

Daphne sank swiftly to her knees and averted her eyes.

"Rise, Daphne," Therin invited in a soothing and melodious voice. Daphne came to her feet.

"You have freed me from my prison, and have my thanks. Of all your fellows, it was you who never strayed from the paths of goodness and law. And so, as a reward, I shall grant you any one wish that you may desire."

* * * *

Leo jerked back in shock.

"No way!" Gary blurted in utter disbelief.

"Limited, or unlimited?" Leo asked

"She's a goddess, dude." Cass pointed out, elated. " _Un_ limited." He turned to face Joanna with a smile. "She can wish for anything."

"Go for levels!" Leo said excitedly to Joanna. "You could be like twentieth level everything!"

"No. No-no, _no_ -no-! Gear!" countered Gary. "You could wish for everything in these books!"

"No-no-no-no-no-no, no-no-no!" Cass admonished the guys with a scowl. "Don't. Think. Small." He turned once again to Joanna, with a joyous smile. "Wish yourself immortal! Have her make you a goddess as well!"

Leo and Gary nodded in speechless admiration.

Joanna turned to Kevin. "What do you think?"

"I think," Lodge responded, "it's up to you."

* * * *

"I wish," Daphne said slowly, "that you bring Sir Osric back to life."

"As you wish," Therin replied with a smile.

* * * *

Joanna smiled happily at Kevin, who gazed back, awestruck at the gesture of True Love.

"That's awesome!" Leo said reverentially.

"That's beautiful....." Kevin said at almost the same moment.

Joanna smiled, looking around the table at the guys smiling back at her in wonder. Her smile faltered when Cass met her eyes.

"That... is... so... freaking... STUPID! I have seen stupid decisions before but that - that is the single most lame, retarded one ever!"

Lodge looked back and forth between Joanna and Cass, trying to reconcile the luminescent reality of Joanna's gesture with Cass' preposterous eruption.

"You wasted an unlimited wish on an NPC!" Cass accused. "How about wishing for more wishes? Or advancing our levels? Or giving us magical items? How about wishing yourself immortal first and then resurrecting him yourself? Good god, you could have had _anything_!" Cass slammed his hand down on the padded leather cover of his Special Edition Player's Handbook, leapt to his feet, and began to pace back and forth like agitated panther.

"It's what my character would have done!" Joanna protested defensively.

"You could have been a _god_! I know Mormons who would kill for that! What... what was the paladin to us?" Cass shouted leaning over to get in Lodge's face. Lodge glared back at him.

"He's not even a real character! We can always get more NPCs! You wasted the greatest treasure in the game on nothing but a story decision!" Cass gathered his books and dice, whipping his jacket off the back of his chair.

"I should have never brought you in. You ruined my game!! That is it!!" Cass stormed to the door. "Damn it, we're _gamers_ – haven't you learned _anything_?"

The guys sat in stunned silence as Cass slammed the door behind him. Joanna stared at nothing, looking wounded and uncertain as she fought back tears. Gary slid to the floor, crawling under the table...

...and emerged on the other side, writhing deftly into Cass's seat.

"So," he asked, resting one elbow on the back of Joanna's chair and the other forearm on the table. "What happens next?"

Gary's words broke the spell. Joanna turned to smile at him, dispelling the last of Cass's Aura of Negativity.

* * * *

Luster and Flynn knelt beside Osric's body. Daphne reappeared in a flash of blinding white light, and rushed to his side, taking him by the gauntleted hand.

Her appearance was followed almost immediately by that of Therin. From the top of the dais, before the altar, Therin waved her hand – and Osric stirred. Flynn and Luster fell to their knees as Daphne helped Osric to rise.

Daphne caught the Mask as it fell from his chest. She was too caught up in the warm magic of the goddess to take note of the fact that the Mask had somehow been restored, its pieces joined together once more.

"Rise, Flynn," Therin summoned, stepping to the base of the stairs. Flynn rose uncertainly to his feet.

"You have my thanks. You shall be my herald, and spread music and peace to all my people."

_Hm_ , Luster thought. _When Therin makes the A-OK gesture, it creates a little rainbow...._

The mage made a note to tell Flynn – maybe he could include it in a song, or some bardic...thing...

Flynn was momentarily bathed in light. When it faded, a damp-eyed Flynn was wrapped in a snowy cloak clasped at this throat in gold.

" _Leo, gain a level of the Cantor prestige class."_

"Rise, Luster."

Luster stood confidently, stepping out from behind the kneeling Osric to stand before the goddess.

"You have my thanks. I would have you enter my service, but I cannot have an evil person sworn to me."

"I'm not evil!" Luster protested vigorously, raising a pained hand to her forehead. "I'm _Chaotic Neutral._ " Therin looked at Luster as if she couldn't quite believe the sorceress had even said the words with a straight face.

Luster looked to her companions for support. "Right?" she exhorted. The heroes responded simultaneously.

Daphne shook her head. "No. Totally bad."

"You're evil." Flynn affirmed.

Osric looked up from the floor and spoke with conviction. "You are evil and a whore."

Therin raised her hand, making the A-OK gesture and surrounding Luster in light. When Luster could see again, she was dressed all in white.

" _Gary, you can't remember any of your spells."_

"What did you do to me?" she asked the goddess.

"I have burned away your wickedness, and made you whole again." Therin answered with a benevolent smile.

"Game terms, please."

Therin frowned briefly as she responded with something almost resembling impatience. "I replaced your levels of sorcerer with equal levels of cleric."

"So I have to be... good?"

"Yes!" Therin affirmed in an isn't-it-obvious tone.

"...Thanks?" Luster said hesitantly.

"Where is the monk?" Therin disregarded Luster and moved on.

"He has gone." Daphne answered. "He disagreed with the wisdom of my decision."

Therin looked for a moment as though she had some thoughts on that subject as well, but quickly recollected that she was a goddess of boundless compassion... "Rise, Sir Osric," she said instead.

Daphne helped Osric to his feet and they stood with their hands still intertwined.

"I dub thee Lord High Marshall of my paladins." Osric respectfully gestured A-OK to his goddess, bowed briefly, and stepped back, leaving Daphne alone before the Light with the Mask of Death in her hand.

Therin ascended the dais and stood before the altar, facing them

"Go forth, heroes!" she charged, raising her arms in a wide arc, "and spread my light to the dark places of the world!"

Therin, then the entire cathedral, was bathed in warm golden light. When it cleared, the goddess was gone.

No, Osric amended, not 'gone.' Though he could no longer see her mortal form, he felt her Light more strongly than ever before, throughout the cathedral, and within his soul.

##  Chapter 20: After-Game Special

The gamers leaned back in their chairs as Lodge finished with a flourish.

"Cool!" Joanna murmured with an ecstatic smile.

"So I...I guess that means the campaign's over, doesn't it?" Gary asked, sounding disappointed.

"This one is, yeah." Lodge acknowledged

Gary was quiet for a moment, then spoke thoughtfully and with quiet conviction. "I had a good time."

Lodge's face lit up with delight. He turned to check Leo's reaction.

"Me, too," Leo added, sounding surprised at himself. "That was different – but cool. Mostly cool." He turned to Joanna. "I like the way you game."

"Totally in agreement, here," Gary echoed.

Joanna smiled, pleased for Kevin as much as for herself. Well, almost...

"Well, uh, thanks," Lodge stammered. "Thanks for coming out, guys." Lodge felt like the star of one of those television movies he had watched in the afternoons as a kid. Leo and Gary had finally learned what he had been trying to explain to them all along. He knew how to write his story. And Joanna had been right – when he let it evolve naturally, the ending had surprised him. He beamed shyly at Joanna as the guys, smiling - and even looking a little contemplative! - gathered their gaming gear and prepared to leave.

Gary ruffled Joanna's hair as he stepped past her to the door. "Seeya," Joanna grinned.

"Thank you Lodge," Leo said on his way out.

"Yeah," Lodge acknowledged, leaping up to open the door for them.

Stopping just short of the door, Leo turned to Gary. "Waffles?"

"Recognize!" Gary approved, heading out into the night, followed closely by Leo. Lodge clapped Leo on the back as he passed, then stood for a moment at the open door waiting for Joanna. Gary dodged back in long enough to crash affectionately into Lodge, knocking him into the wall opposite the door.

Joanna hadn't even begun to gather her stuff, so Kevin closed the door _. Maybe she wants to talk about the adventure a little more,_ he guessed. As he opened his mouth to speak, she stood and placed both hands on his shoulders, turning him around to face the hallway and giving him a gentle push. She kept both hands on his shoulders until she had guided him to his computer chair.

As he sat down at the keyboard, she turned and left the room.

Kevin leaned forward and began to type.

The last thing you were expecting was a summons to see the King...

The words flowed like magic. Kevin tapped rhythmically on the keys, heedless of the time.

* * * *

Joanna found her way to the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee, then began to gather up the gaming books and dice. Isn't this just fine, she laughed at herself. _He hasn't managed to kiss me yet, but here I am cleaning up his stuff._ If it had been Cass, that would have bothered her – but she knew that Kevin needed to concentrate on his writing while the magic lasted, so somehow...she didn't mind.

* * * *

Kevin had been surprised when the coffee cup appeared on the desk next to him – he had assumed Joanna had left. The tale emerged almost of its own volition from his keyboard, leaving him no time or attention for anything else. He continued to type.

* * * *

Joanna passed the night dozing fitfully on the guys' sofa, leafing through Kevin's gaming books, and occasionally carrying food or coffee to Kevin's desk, as much to see how the module was going as anything else. Sometimes, Kevin acknowledged her with a 'thank you' and a warm smile. Other times, he typed feverishly, oblivious to her presence.

She wasn't sure which she found more endearing... 

##  Chapter 21: The Morning After

Misty pre-dawn twilight filtered through the blinds as Joanna roused from her latest catnap.

"Hey Mitch," she whispered as she stepped over him, padding down the hall to Kevin's 'study.'

"Hey," Mitch mumbled, face buried in the carpet.

Joanna stepped up behind Kevin, who was slumped over with his head on the keyboard, fast asleep. She rested a hand on his shoulder and gently rubbed his back. Kevin jerked awake, whipping around, then relaxed, smiling hazily as he realized who was there.

"How did you sleep?" he asked.

"Pretty good," she smiled contentedly and stroked the hair on the back of his head. "I tripped over Mitch a few times. You?"

"I...uh... finished it," Kevin announced with an exultant smile

"You did?!"

"It's done," he confirmed proudly.

"Let me see!" Joanna insisted, ducking to the other side of the chair and sitting on Kevin's knee as she grabbed his mouse and scrolled back to the beginning. Kevin slipped an arm around her waist, smiling as she unthinkingly rested her free hand on top of his. He watched her face as she read.

* * * *

Joanna read, spellbound. _He's a really good writer!_ she thought more than once as she made her way once again through their adventure. When she finished, she turned to throw her arms around him in celebration – and Kevin finally kissed her.

##  Chapter 22: New Adventures

Leo dropped the module into the rack with the rest of the products from its series. The gamers stood admiring the words on its crimson cover:

The Mask of Death

by Kevin Lodge

"Awesome," Gary declared.

"Very cool," Joanna agreed.

"And of course, everybody gets promos," Lodge said, handing each of them a copy. Gary intercepted Leo's copy, licked it, then handed it to him. The boys briefly played tug of war, and traded copies, but quickly settled in to leaf through their adventure.

"I uh... have one for Cass, since he was uh... part of the campaign," Lodge said, holding up a last copy and setting it on top of his backpack.

"The story doesn't end here, does it?" Gary asked.

"Oh no, no, no – check it out," Lodge answered, clearly pleased by the inquiry and excited about what he was about to share. "I have a cool new villain lined up. I got it from a friend of mine. It's kind of a ninja swashbuckler: _The Shadow_."

"The Shadow...?" Joanna asked, intrigued.

"The Shadow..." Gary repeated, a little skeptically.

From across the store, Mark appeared, whirling into sight from behind a product rack. "The Shadow!!!" he screamed.

Mark shrieked unnaturally as he ran for the exit. He nearly plowed down Cass, who entered as the screaming man fled.

Cass stood up, looked uncomprehendingly toward the door, then gathered himself and turned and walked toward the gamers. "Hi guys..." he called in a subdued voice.

" 'Sup Lodge..." he said as he approached the group. The gamers looked hesitantly at Lodge.

"Uh... why don't uh... why don't you guys go into the room there..... I'll be right there...." Lodge suggested. The guys nodded and moved – slowly – toward the back room, each patting Cass on the shoulder as they left. Joanna looked uncertainly at Kevin and paused.

"Congrats on being published," Cass started, holding up a copy of Lodge's module as he dropped the rest of his stuff to the floor at his feet. "I know that uh... you really worked hard on it."

"Thanks." Lodge's tone wasn't hostile, exactly – but he was clearly not ready to ignore their last encounter.

"I had a look at it and uh... it's actually... it's actually pretty well-balanced, to tell you the truth, so..." Cass continued.

Lodge nodded, acknowledging the compliment.

Cass hesitated, then started again. "Oh – I heard you...that you were starting up a new campaign... and uh... you know... I was thinking that uh... if uh... if you need another player, I'd stop by from time to time..."

This, Lodge knew, was as close as Cass would get to an apology. He reached a hand out to rest it on the wire rack behind him, and almost missed.

For a moment, Kevin fell into an old rut – he had always been jealous of Cass' ability to look cool no matter what he was doing. Then he remembered Joanna, standing a few feet away in a shirt that read "Gamer Chick," and realized that Cass would never, as long as they lived, be as cool as he was. The thought took some of the edge off his annoyance.

"Why the change of heart?" he asked Cass, cautious – but curious.

Cass removed his sunglasses, setting them on top of his always-perfect hair. This time, the gesture didn't bother Lodge in the slightest. It even looked a tiny bit...clumsy.

"Well," Cass answered slowly. "You know... if I 'win'...ok... the story ends. And uh....I kind of want it to keep going."

Lodge's eyes widened for half a second – had Cass actually begun to get the point?! He smiled warmly and asked. "Would you like to join the group, Cass?"

"Hey... I... not doing anything else, yeah..." Cass answered awkwardly.

"Why don't you join the group, Cass," Kevin half-invited, half-instructed.

Cass put his arms around Lodge in a – manly! \- hug. Kevin patted him uncomfortably on the back and stepped back, still smiling.

Kevin turned, realizing Joanna was still standing there. _Joanna...Cass...oooooh...._ Kevin hoped this wasn't going to be awkward – he'd had as much awkward as he needed in the past five minutes. Joanna raised an eyebrow at him, and he turned back to Cass.

"Uh... I'm uh... be in the back... Uh... just... uh... I'll be in the back room," Kevin stuttered, trying not to look like he was fleeing.

Joanna and Cass stood in self-conscious silence for a moment, looking anywhere but at one another. It was Cass who broke the silence.

"I...I uh...I...uh...I'm a dick."

"Yes."

"Yeah," Cass affirmed again. _Was it possible he was actually starting to grow up?_ Joanna wondered.

"Yes. We should talk" she offered.

"Yeah?

"Yeah," Joanna smiled at him.

"Coffee?"

"Coffee," Joanna agreed.

But not now, of course. Now there was gaming to be done! Joanna held out her hand, indicating the back room.

As Cass leaned down to pick up his stuff, his sunglasses tipped off his head. He caught them deftly, flipping them around and tucking them into their customary spot at the neck of his shirt with a practiced motion as he stood. He turned toward the back room, with Joanna right behind him.

* * * *

Cass had beaten her to the game room and was already in his chair when Joanna dashed past behind his seat. She put one hand on the side of his head, pulling him partway over with a smile as she passed. Cass turned his head toward her, then ignored her good-naturedly as he turned his attention to Lodge.

"So," asked Leo. "Where's this new adventure start?"

"Oh... It... uh," Lodge settled into his pace and continued smoothly. "Starts about where you guys left off. You have saved the kingdom, and restored the peace."

Lodge steepled his fingers at his chin and tapped his index fingertips together with an impish smirk.

"Or _have_ you....?"

* * * *

The heroes stood before the throne – all but Osric, who was positioned just in front of the King, facing the audience chamber.

"I present to you Lord Osric of Whitetower!" the King announced to the cheering crowd.

Flynn sidled up between the barmaid and the priestess he had seduced before, and whispered in their ears. The three linked arms and tumbled behind the tiny half-wall at the back of the throne room. As Osric joined the party, a distressed Floppenwrist ran into the room and ambled frenetically in circles before the throne.

"Sit!" commanded the King, trying to calm the herald, who, from long habit, obeyed immediately. "Arise." The room went silent as the herald once again complied. "Speak!"

"The Mask of Death," he reported. "It's gone! Stolen, by the Shadow!"

The heroes exchanged high-fives as the audience in the throne room recoiled in horror.

"It must be recovered!" the King declared. "Who will risk their life on this quest?"

The heroes raised their hands and spoke simultaneously. "Here!" Daphne offered. "We got it!"

"Yo! Right here!" Luster agreed. "We can do it."

"Me, me!" entreated Flynn as Osric raised his sword.

"But you guys just got here," Erasmus protested. The King turned to address the crowd of onlookers.

"Surely there's another hero in our kingdom that would prefer to go in their place, to certain death."

The room erupted in laughter.

"All right," the monarch conceded. "It seems unlikely. Good luck then, off you go..."

The heroes hardly noticed the room full of people waving them off as the crowd parted before them. They were intent on the mysterious Shadow. For what nefarious purpose had he taken the Mask – and what clever plan would they conceive to defeat him and return the vile artifact to the King's safe keeping?

* * * *

Nodwick waited impatiently in the cave where the heroes left him, still holding two lit torches. He sighed and kicked the nearly-empty trunk, knocking it closed.

##  Acknowledgements

<A Better Place>: As we grow older and it's tougher to find the time to get together and sit around a table, one of you is always online and ready to go moosh monsters with us. 24/7 gaming with awesome people is the best lootz of all.

Bernie Brown: The most interesting guy at the gaming table. None of my worlds would be worthwhile without you in them.

Dead Gentlemen, The Gamers, & ZOE: Gaming Geeks are legion. Thank you for telling our tales, and for being the changelings we want to see in the world.

Matt Vancil: Matt, your kindness in making time to review my draft and offer your feedback is still much appreciated and deeply felt - though we must continue to cordially disagree on that whole "print is dead" thing... :) Hope it made the flight to Gen Con a little more entertaining.

The Sunday Night Crew: Thanks for being there, week after week. Keep it up! (Because if you miss gaming night, we will use your character as a shield while you are gone...)

##  Author's Note

As adults, it gets tougher to cultivate and maintain a gaming group. Jobs, parenting, and the increasing requirements of life make it difficult to match schedules, and hard to find time for adventure prep. We cherish our gaming buddies. We trust them with our backs when the orcs arrive.

So, when we turned up for gaming one Saturday and were greeted with "you have to see this," we established a party order on the sofa and watched.

They were right.

Since that time, all new members of our gaming circle are exposed to Dorkness Rising (if, for some incomprehensible reason, they have not yet seen it). When we spotted the Kickstarter campaign for Gamers 3, there was no question.

Wait - Gamers _three_? We immediately located the original Gamers movie and added it to our DVD collection. We went to the first-ever ZOECon and discovered Standard Action, JourneyQuest, GamerChick, &@ and Transolar Galactica, among others - an entirely new world of 'stuff that was just made for us!'

But... something was bothering me.... The more I watched and re-watched Gamers 2, the more clear it became.

Throughout the movie, Lodge speaks of writing his module – but the document on his computer screen says 'Chapter One.' Modules generally begin with an introduction, or just charge right into the content. Every time I looked, I became more convinced that no matter what he said, Lodge was trying to write a book.

There have been two Mask of Death modules (in addition to the recent release, there was a limited release version the year the movie was released) – but no book.

I felt a disturbance in the Force.

As I am one of those annoying 'if you don't like it, fix it' sorts, I decided to write the book. Such a book, of course, couldn't be just any traipse through the module – it had to be Daphne, Silence, Flynn, Osric, and Luster. This would require careful review of the film, to ensure that what we already know of their adventure was faithfully represented.

In the process, I spent a lot of time with the film. And the commentaries. And interviews, podcasts, posts on the ZOE forums... On the quest for detail about the Shadow (The Shadow? The Shadow!) and the Mask, I found myself writing so much of Dorkness Rising that it just made sense to tell Lodge, Joanna, Leo, Cass, and Gary's story...

Thank you for reading it! I'd love to stay and chat – but there's the matter of this Mask of Death book still hanging out there... If you'd like to let me know what you think, please rate/comment at the book's home page on Smashwords, or stop by my Facebook Page and share your suggestions and feedback!

Dorkness Rising on Smashwords: <http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/465179>

Diana Brown, on Facebook: <http://www.facebook.com/CleverNinjas>

