 
## The Bible Naked, Genesis

Written by Sam Warren

FREE SMASHWORDS EDITION

Copyright 2012 Sam Warren

The complete _Bible Naked, the Greatest Fraud Ever Told_ and other titles published by Bookwarren in both print and eBook editions can be purchased online or at your favorite bookstore.

ISBN: 978-0-945949-80-0

By reading this eBook, you will get a good and true overview of the whole Bible without all the boring stuff. My purpose in writing this book is that I could hardly believe that there were people who could read the Bible and seriously think it was a moral guide dictated by a god. This is especially true for our leaders.

People reading this book already know that the Bible is not infallible. So you have my permission to give this book away – especially to believers with enough intelligence to comprehend it. However, if people pay for it, it will raise the awareness of the book in ratings and more will see it. Maybe then it will trickle down to those who really need to read it.

This book is a humorous, factual rewrite of the Bible in the vernacular. In it, you will find plenty of sex, rapes, incest, violence, fratricide, genocide, slavery, myths, abuse of women and children, false prophecies, contradictions, and other inconsistencies and errors that reveal that the Bible should be an X-Rated book, not a holy book.

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If you find some errors in this book, just remember that I'm not God.  
Sam@Bookwarren.com

_There are none so blind as those who will not see.  
_ — John Heywood, 1546

If you can still believe in the Bible as the infallible word of God after reading this book, I'll refund your money.

### Chapter 1: Before Genesis

The word "Genesis" means "creation" or "beginning" and is related to the word "generate." Its Hebrew name is "bereshith" (I think that it is pronounced something like "bear shit"). And the Jewish scholars and scribes while in exile in Babylon did create a fine fable, mixing in oral history, assorted old documents, Samarian and Babylonian myths, and historical fiction surpassing even Aesop's Fables for durability.

If you are a real Christian, you have to believe in the Adam and Eve myth. Without it, you don't have original sin. Without original sin, there is no reason for JC to be nailed up on the cross.

The creation myth wasn't even Hebrew, but was plagiarized from an early Samarian myth, modified by the Babylonians and then co-opted by the Jews for their Yahveh god only without the polytheism and human sacrifices. However, there are still traces of polytheism and human sacrifices left in. Yahveh was a patriarchal tribal war-god who wanted blood sacrifices, including human. He was one of many gods at that time, most of them were matriarchal. The male gods won.

In the beginning God created Heaven and earth. Actually I think that we created God. Most of you are familiar with the Creation story – the seven days, the rib, talking snake, apple, etc. But did you know that there are three versions of the creation? One was written by the northern tribes of Israel and the second by the southern tribes of Judah. The problem was solved by combining then into a third version. Unlike today, accuracy in reporting was not all that important. Facts were never allowed to ruin a good story. So you will sometimes find two or more versions of the same story. The fundies (fundamentalist) say they believe in the creation story but don't say which one. And you can't believe in both because they don't match.

The Hebrew word for God is "Elohim" which means gods – plural. Early Jewish scribes are thought to have edited out most of the mentions of polytheism but some still remain. One example is Genesis 3:22 "Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil ..." Another is Genesis 11:7 "...let US go down and there confound their language..."

The first five books of the Bible ("bible" is another word for "book") are called "The Pentateuch" and are also called "The Book of the Law" by the Jews and were supposed to have been written by Moses. That would have been very difficult as not only was Moses' own death recorded in them, there are different styles of writing. It might surprise you to learn that most of the books of the Pentateuch were reverse plagiarism. The books were given the name of famous prophets to give them more cachet and we will never know who really started the oral version or who wrote them down with additional modifications.

There were three sets of documents used to put together the first part of the _Old Testament_ (OT). The "E" Documents were completed in about 750 BCE (Before Common Era). It gets its name because God was called "Elohim" in Hebrew.

The "J" Documents were written by scribes in the Southern Kingdom in about 500 BCE. It gets its name from Jehovah, also a word for God, and was compiled by the Southern Kingdom. The "P" Document, also called the "Priestly Document," was created by the priests and scribes of the Northern Kingdom during the Babylonian exile of their intelligentsia. The "P" document was compiled by combining the "E" and "J" Documents plus some other documents that were just lying around and, Bingo!, you've got the start of a world-class best seller.

You will find as you read this book that God evolves from a physical, superman kind of war-god limited by tribe and territory with a body and who lives somewhere up in the sky or in a box that is carried around, into a modern, spiritual god who lives in another dimension called Heaven and sends us to Hell if we believe gays should be allowed to marry.

In Sunday school I was told that no one knew where the Garden of Eden was. But it is not the "Garden of Eden" but the "Garden in Eden." Eden is a place mentioned in other parts of the OT and is located in modern Iraq. Some of our soldiers probably have been killed in the Garden. The three rivers mentioned in Genesis were in Babylon and two are in present-day Iraq. Some scholars believe the third river just dried up and disappeared.

The final version of Genesis was written in Babylon by the Jews who were moved there when Nebuchadnezzar conquered Judah and had the education upper class moved there. Israel, conquered earlier, was assimilated and never heard from again. The Torah and religious customs such as circumcision kept the Judeans from assimilating.

In the Hebrew Bible (the Torah) Satan is not necessarily a bad guy and is not a fallen angel. He is God's prosecutor and does what God tells him to do. The book of Job is an example. He is called the advisory or the accuser – sort of prosecuting attorney. And like our own prosecutors, is more interested in punishment than justice.

### Chapter 2: Genesis – The Beginning

On a dark and stormy night in year one, about 6,000 years ago, everything was created by a mysterious creature in outer space. No one knew where he came from. But we know that he was male. He is reputed to have fathered a son but there is no mention of a wife.

There's one thing I would like someone to explain to me. How can God be male if there is no female? If there is a female god, that must mean that there are two gods in addition to JC and the Holy Spook. And how can a god have a son? If he was not procreated, that has to mean that he is another god, not a son of a god. Maybe he was adopted. Hence, Christianity is not a monotheistic religion such as Judaism.

(Ch 1) In the beginning God created Heaven and Earth. In this case, Heaven means inner and outer space, not the Heaven with angels. In our creation myth (every religion has its own version) there are two different versions. In the first account, God did the following in six days:

* Made light.

* Divided light from darkness.

* Made the evening and the morning.

* Divided Heaven from the water.

* Land appeared out of the water.

* He made the plants grow.

* Created light again for days and seasons.

* Created light again for the third time.

* Created live creatures.

* Created fish and birds.

* Created cattle and more creatures.

* Created man and woman at the same time.

* Took the seventh day off to kick back and watch sports.

In this version, there is no Garden in Eden, apple, or snake. In the next version, there are a lot of different things. People try to combine them into one version, but they don't fit. That never stopped them from trying. In the Samarian story they copied it from, the snake was not Satan as he hadn't been invented yet. Their god was a snake god as gods of competing religions became the devils of the new religion.

The reason that Satan is sometimes pictured with horns, tail and hooves is that the word devil is a translation of a word that means white goat. Goats are considered lustful animals and sex was thought as the original sin. Anything that good has to be sinful. I love to sin!

Version Number Two

(Ch 2) This is what God did in the second version:

* Created the Heavens and the Earth at one time.

* Created plants.

* Created rain.

* Made man from dirt. Then he breathed into his nose to make him come alive. You notice that there is no mention of stem cells being human.

* Made the Garden in Eden.

* Created more plants including the Tree of Life and the Tree of Good and Evil.

* Made rivers.

* Made gold, bdellium and onyx. It wasn't the Iron Age yet.

* Decides to make the man a wife.

* Makes more living creatures and gives Adam his name.

* Makes a woman out of Adam's rib. Eve doesn't even have a name until they first fornicate and had Cain.

* Establishes the hierarchy of father, mother, and wife.

* There are no days and God doesn't take any time off.

Adam's First Wife

The creation myth was initially a Samarian and Babylonian epic that predates by centuries the Jewish version. That might explain why the Garden was in Babylon instead of Israel. To explain the inconsistency of having the first woman created twice, a Jewish myth, not written down in the OT, states that Adam's first wife, Lilith, was made an equal and Adam didn't like it. He wanted to be in total control, so she left him and became a demon. This happens to a lot of guys with ex-wives.

She was supposed to be responsible for the death of children. The word, "Lullaby," means, "Lilith go bye" or "get the hell out of here and leave my baby alone." There are numerous variations. One has her stealing the semen from wet dreams, getting her pregnant, and then killing the baby to avenge herself on males. She was the first women's libber.

Adam & Eve

Adam and Eve didn't get their names until the second version. Adam in Hebrew means "mankind," and Eve means "womankind." Later they were used as proper names. Most of the names in the OT are also names of tribes. It can get confusing as often you don't know if you are reading about a person or a tribe. In addition, many of the names used were not the correct names of the time, but names used during the Jews' exile in Babylon. This is additional proof that the stories were written at that time.

The second version of the creation is more interesting and is the one usually taught in Sunday school. In this version, man was created first, then animals, and then Adam had his rib yanked out and made into a woman – a much more interesting and visual story. I remember as a kid counting my ribs to see if one was missing. As Eve was not made equal to Adam, she was to serve men. God just couldn't leave well enough alone, and men have been in trouble ever since.

God gave males life by breathing into him. That's where we get the term, "the breath of life." You weren't alive until you were breathing. None of this "life starts at conception" or even when two stem cells bump together. Later when the Bible condemns a man for causing a woman to abort a fetus, it is not because he killed the fetus but because children were considered property. They could even be sold into slavery. Christians – read your Bible.

One thing I wonder about, if we (that is, men) were made in the image of God, does that mean that God has genitals, intact or circumcised? And if so, why? And if he had a son who was with him at the beginning, was there a mother god?

I assume God gets tired just like we humans as he had to rest on the seventh day. I wonder what God does on his day off. The Hebrews didn't even have a seven-day a week until they copied it from the Babylonians.

It was very nice of God to let us pick which story we would believe, but it weakens the case for having the Bible as being the absolutely, infallible word of God. This was just a story some Samarian parent made up to tell his kid when he asked, "Where did we all come from, Daddy?" Sort of like storks bringing babies.

In the bit about the "tree of knowledge of good and evil," (second version in Chapter 2) God put the tree right out in the open where no one could miss it and told the new humans, who did not know good from evil yet, not to eat its fruit. This would be like putting a pound of hamburger in front of your dog and telling him not to eat it. What kind of person, much less a god, would put something in front of his innocent babies, who didn't even know evil, just to tempt them – especially if he was to know the outcome in advance and had programmed them to fail?

To make it worse, he had a smooth-talking snake telling this innocent girl, who a few hours ago was only a rib, that it was OK to eat this forbidden fruit. How was she to know who to believe? After all, the snake was one of God's creations. And, programmed like a good wife, she shares the fruit with her husband. Most husbands will eat whatever their wives put in front of them.

The punishment was not just a swat on the fanny – oh, no. It was original sin with eternal damnation. Even though Adam was supposed to be the man of the house, it was Eve who got most of the blame and the brunt of the punishment. The punishment for her sin was a lifetime of blood and pain, especially in childbirth. And all this suffering was passed on from generation-to-generation to children who weren't aware of what sin they were being punished for.

The man's punishment, besides having to work for a living, was to sacrifice his first-born son and livestock in the fire so God could smell the smoke and forgive him. Later on, the men didn't even have to do this because God had his son bleed to death on a cross to replace all the other blood sacrifices. However, women still have to bleed. The only thing that his death accomplished is that a lot of sheep didn't have to be sacrificed.

Blood was considered the life force because when you bleed the blood from an animal or human, it dies. That is why the Hebrews were forbidden to eat or drink blood and why it had to be spilled to make a sacrifice. That is why they still have kosher rules.

Now the fundies say that this was because God gave us free will. They couldn't have gotten this from the Bible. If God and his prophets already know what is going to happen in the future, then where is the free will? No matter what it is or what we do or who we pray to, it's going to happen. So God set the whole thing up and is responsible for it or he isn't as all-powerful as they say. You can't have it both ways. God could be all-powerful or all-good, but not both.

After they ate the apple (or whatever), all of a sudden they found themselves naked and covered themselves with fig leaves, the first fashion statement. God just happened to be walking by – hello! A walking God on two feet just going for a stroll in his new garden? Does that mean you could be walking down the street, pass God, and not even know it? They must have had different kinds of gods in those days.

This reminds me of one day when I was walking through Balboa Park in San Diego. I saw an artist hard at work on a portrait. I asked him, "Who are you painting?"

He told me, "I'm painting a picture of God."

"That's crazy. No one knows what God looks like."

"They will when I'm done," he replied.

That first bite sure caused a lot of pain and suffering in the world if it ever happened. The Church says that this bite was the original sin and blood had to be sacrificed for it. They say God had to have his own son killed for it. He must not be a very powerful God if he created a whole universe but could not save his own son in the process.

After that, God threw the couple out of his garden and put a flaming sword and some cherubim (plural for cherub) at the gate so they could not sneak back in. What a father! All they walked out with were their fig leaves. You know what cherubs are don't you. They are those little flying babies with wings, bow and arrows, and teeny tiny weenies.

Many other cultures of that period had their creatures that were made up of parts of other creatures. The Assyrians had one with the body of a bull and the head of a man. The cherubim may have been copied from them. The Hebrew legend shows them as human with wings, and thought them to be a higher order of angels. This is the reason we picture angels with wings. The Egyptians had their sphinx and the Greeks their centaurs and Pan.

Now what happened to the garden? Did it just go to seed? If God made it disappear, why did he need the flaming sword and cherubim to protect it? The cherub was similar to a Babylonian mythical creature with the head of a man and the body of a lion and wings of an eagle. So far no one has been able to find the skeletons of such creatures.

Cain and Abel

(Ch 4) Like in the movie, "The Blue Lagoon," the innocent humans found out about sex and made good use of it. Their sons, Cain and Abel, were born. If there were any daughters, the author didn't think it worth mentioning. Even with the limited number of people in those days, Cain was famous for his farm produce while Abel was a hunter.

During this period of history, hunter/gathers were changing into farmers/herdsmen. This could have been a story demonstrating this in oral history. Once they became farmers, they had more control over their lives.

God was hungry and asked them to each whip him up something to sacrifice. Cain made a delicious vegetarian stew while Abel sacrificed a choice piece of meat to God. God didn't have to worry about his cholesterol.

Cain should have known better. Didn't he know that all male gods are carnivores? Have you ever heard of anyone sacrificing a tomato? So God said, "What the hell are you giving me this rabbit food for?" But he told Abel how much he enjoyed the steak. "I took it down to Satan and had him barbeque it for me."

Cain had a nasty temper and told Abel, "Yo man, what do you mean trying to show me up in front of the man?" and he pulled out a shiv and stuck it in his brother. With only three men in the world at that time, it didn't take a rocket scientist to find out who did the dirty deed.

There were no courts or jails yet. God told Cain he had to be banished. God made the world's first tattoo on Cain's head that said, "Don't Kill Me by Order of God." But some chicks like tattooed men and Cain had no trouble finding a woman and starting a family even though there were not many people in the world. As there were no other females around, that we know of, he must have gotten it on with a sister who was never mentioned. There were no priests around yet to tie the knot, not only was their relationship incestuous, they were living in sin.

Actually, it was not certain if Adam and Eve were the only humans created by God. The words "Adam" and "Eve" translate to mean "mankind" and "womankind." We don't know if these other people, if they existed, were in the Garden or on the outside.

Cain's first kid was named "Enoch." The Bible said that Enoch built a city. With Cain estranged from his family and Abel dead, it must have been a very small city. The rest of the chapter is rather boring with a lot of begetting and begottening. Even old Eve popped out another son who they named "Seth."

(Ch 5) This chapter is rather dull unless you are into genealogy. It is a compilation of who begat whom (males only) and ends with Noah and his three sons. Each person lived for an incredibly long time. Of course, that is absolutely impossible, even with today's modern medical science. But when dealing with holy writ, anything is possible – even the impossible. Faith is what allows you to believe in the impossible.

Methuselah

Methuselah was supposed to have lived almost a thousand years. If you use the time-line that some of the Christians use, it is likely that Methuselah drowned during the flood. Archeologists have never found skeletons of people nearly that old. The reason for all that longevity was because the stories were first told orally from memory, passing down from generation-to-generation, with each generation trying to top the other before the stories finally got written down. As it was oral history, I would imagine that each story-teller add a few more years to Methuselah each time they told it.

Using this genealogy, religious leaders have estimated the world to be only about 5,000 to 6,000 years old. God probably buried all those dinosaur bones just to test our faith. I failed the test. You will find examples in the Creationist Museums. I went through one once and they even had a real piece of wood from Noah's ship.

Angel Baby

(Ch 6) Now here was something I bet that your Sunday school teachers didn't tell you. Did you know that angels came down in the flesh and interbred with humans? I guess that the human babes were a lot hotter than angel babes. The angel babes must have been too pure and "holier than thou" and wouldn't put out. See, there is sex after death – something to look forward to.

Their earthly bastards were all giants. You know what that means don't you? If Noah had some of their DNA, we all might have some angel DNA in our gene pool. Or maybe they were the bad angels that were kicked out of Heaven and we all have a little devil in all of us. That could explain a lot.

Noah and the Flood

Anyone who reads the Babylonian story, "Gilgamesh" can readily see that the flood myth was initially a Samarian and Babylonian epic that predates the Jewish version by almost two millennium. Scholars think the flood story came from a real flood and the story was passed down and modified. Some even think that it might even have been a giant tsunami that swept up the Euphrates River. Others think that it came from a time when the ocean broke through the Biospheres.

But of course what really happened was that God saw his creation getting out of control and he just lost it. He told his angels "OK, so I made a mistake. Only Jesus is perfect. I'll just drown them all like a litter of kittens and start over again. I'll just keep one family as breeding stock." But where did they find the women?

But how could they sin more than we do today? I guess God just got used to all this sin or we would be living with the fishes today.

(Ch 7) The water was supposed to be 15 cubits deep, but that wouldn't even come close to covering the summit of Mt. Everest with water. And can you imagine a magic ship big enough to hold two of all the millions of kinds of creatures, including their food, which, except for the herbivores, were each other?

Then there was the matter of refrigeration for the penguins and polar bears. How did they keep the fresh water fish separate from the salt water fish? Only a fundamentalist of the hundreds of Christian faiths could believe all this – and they do. They say God can do anything. If that's true, why go to all the trouble of making a flood? He could just wave his magic wand and everyone except Noah would disappear.

A few years ago, The History Channel TV presented, "The Search for the Ark." It was supposed to be a balanced view, but it was paid for by a religious group. A friend of mine, the late Bill Lindley, the associate editor of the Truth Seeker magazine, was invited to give the secular view. The producers promised that Bill would be given a chance to tell the scientific view of the myth. When they edited the tape, all Bill was able to say was, "Scientists view the story of Noah and the Ark as a myth . . ."

Then he was cut off and some Christian pseudo-scientist from a Baptist college came on and said there was proof the Ark had landed on Mt. Ararat. He also said they found a piece of the Ark to prove it. It was later revealed that a skeptic had planted the phony piece of wood. But even after that was revealed, this "evidence" is still being used for "proof." Any wood left would have been used for firewood long ago. First you have the answer and then you make the facts fit it even if it means hammering a square peg into a round hole.

Mt. Ararat is not a mountain but a mountain range. One particular mountain was given the name, but no one knows for sure if that is the mountain mentioned in Genesis. It is a human fallacy that myths sometimes become facts.

(Ch 8) OK. Let's say that this all happened and Noah sent a bird out to find dry land. Where could a bird find an olive leaf after the trees had been under all that water all that time? Noah must have had a few spare animals because when his ship made land, he sacrificed one. Maybe he sacrificed a unicorn.

After the flood had subsided, God said he would never flood the humans again. To prove it, he stuck a rainbow in the sky. He must have changed the natural laws of refracted light waves. I guess his promise didn't cover small floods like Johnstown and New Orleans.

Then God told Noah to take all the animals out of the boat and scatter them all over the world. That would be one tough logistical problem. I don't think that Noah could do this all by himself. Actually, I think that God did the whole job by himself without any outside help from Noah and his family. They were too busy just trying to survive.

(Ch 9) Time passes. Noah grew a vineyard, made some homemade wine, got drunk and passed out in the nude in his tent. It's easy to make wine. Even prisoners in jail make their own "wine." They call it pruno as it is often made from prunes from the prison kitchen. You should try it at home.

Noah's son, Ham, forgot to knock on the tent and when he entered and he saw his father passed out naked. When Ham told all his brothers about this, they were horrified. Shem and Japheth grabbed a robe, closed their eyes, and backed into the tent and threw it over Noah. That's carrying prudishness a bit too far.

But Noah found out about it and hit the ceiling (top of the tent). They were more Victorian than the Victorians. So Noah put a curse on Ham that all of his descendants, the future Canaanites, would be slaves to his other two brothers. Ham should have kept his mouth shut. That was some strict father. In the past, many claimed that Ham was black and this justified slavery.

Before the U.S. Civil War, Southern white Christians used this and other verses to justify the institution of slavery. And they were right. The Bible does justify slavery. And yet, African-Americans are some of the strongest believers. Go figure.

(Ch 10) This chapter is just another genealogy of Noah's descendants. Tribes in those days took their names from mythological or real ancestors. All the tribe names came from eponymous. OK. I just dropped that word in to show you how learned I am. Tribes that spoke the same language were thought to be brothers and the father might be a nation like Israel and his twelve sons.

Noah's three sons were Shem, Ham and Japheth. Shem was supposedly the founder of the Semites which included the Hebrews and other Arab tribes. The Canaanites, who also spoke Hebrew and were the enemies of the Israelites, were supposedly the descendants of Ham and were considered slaves to the Israelites.

The Tower of Babel

(Ch 11) Now we fast-forward to the story of the Tower of Babel. Babel, Babylon – could this have been another Babylonian myth copied by the Jewish scribes during their captivity? Once upon a time, all the people of the world were living in the immediate area around the Garden in Eden – even the Indians from the Americas, whom no one knew existed.

They all got together one day and decided to build a tower of brick and mortar that reached into Heaven so they could visit God. God didn't like the idea of humans dropping in uninvited, so he gave them all different languages. Because they couldn't talk to each other, they drifted all over the world. I guess he changed them into different races as there wasn't evolution to explain the variations in humans. I wonder if husbands and wives could converse? It really wasn't that important back then.

The Middle-Easterners are still trying to reach Heaven. I hear that an Arab sheik has built the tallest building in the world in Dubai. This time, God only bankrupted him.

The rest of the chapter is more of who begat whom. Whoever put this book together (God?) didn't know anything about editing a book. No one cares now who begat whom and this is all a waste of ink and paper. After all, when you read the story of the American Revolution, you don't go into the family genealogy of all the participants.

### Chapter 3: Genesis – Abraham's Story

Now comes the big story: the saga of Abram. No, he isn't named Abraham yet. This is the story of the founding of the Jewish religion. What I want to know is what was God doing all this time before Abram? Did he just all of a sudden decide to have a pet human?

Jews are not a race. Over the years they intermarried with the other tribes in the area. In addition, they also had converts and slaves they captured and interbred with. And today, many who call themselves Jewish, are not even religious.

They aren't all Semites either. There was once a Balkan country named Khazar which was located between the Turkish Muslims and the Orthodox Catholics. Askanazi Jews are descended from the Khazars. The Khazars were a Turkic people and had a very liberal, advanced civilization. The king believed that if the Khazars choose either Muslim or Christianity, like their next-door neighbors, to be their national religion, they would offend the other.

So, although both Muslims and Christians were welcome, the king encouraged all his subjects to convert to Judaism as a compromise. The Khazar people used Jewish personal names, spoke and wrote in Hebrew, circumcised males, had synagogues and rabbis, studied the Torah and Talmud, and observed Hanukkah, Pesach, and the Sabbath.

(Ch 12) God promised Abe that all his descendants would become a mighty race. So Abe (for those days a young 75) his wife, slaves, concubines, cattle, tents and other stuff, along with his nephew, Lot, and all his stuff, took leave of Ur where his family was located. It was in the country of Iraq, what was then Babylon. Ur was a Sumerian city on the Euphrates at the delta. The OT says that it was Ur of the Chaldeans but the Chaldeans never conquered the area until a thousand years later. This shows you that it was written well after the story was supposed to have happened in the Babylonian period.

Some Jewish traditions suggest that Abe might have left because of a disagreement over gods. He had one god and his relatives had many. A Jewish myth has it that his father was an idol-maker. Anyway, they got to Canaan, which just happened to be populated with Canaanites. Abe built an altar and sacrificed some sheep to God. Abe knew better than to sacrifice vegetables by then, plus, where would a nomadic herdsman get fresh vegetables?

God's Promise

God was feeling so good after the sacrifice that he promised Abram all of Canaan to his future descendants. That was one of the dumbest things God ever did. This caused all the problems we have in the Middle East today. Plus all the "Hebrews" had to be killed first. The Jews did not speak Hebrew until they had conquered the territory first and took over the local customs making them the new Hebrews.

God caused a famine to strike Canaan, and Abram took his entourage to Egypt to find food. Sarai must have been one hot babe, even in her 90s, as Abram was afraid that an Egyptian would take one look at her and kill him so he could have her. So Abram told everyone that she was his sister. An Egyptian king heard about how beautiful she was and Abram gave her to the king. The king gave Abe lots of cattle and slaves, making him rich.

This upset God so much that, instead of just explaining the misunderstanding to the king, he made the king and everyone in his palace sick. You would think God would be angrier with Abram rather than the king, as it was Abe who pimped his wife. Somehow the message got through to the king and he asked Abe, "Why the hell did you pimp off your wife to me and piss off your god? Here! Take your damn wife back and get the hell out of my country."

So he threw Abe and all his stuff out of Egypt. I'm surprised the king didn't just kill Abe and take all his stuff, including Sarai. Maybe he thought Abe's god was stronger than his.

(Ch 13) After his Egyptian misadventure, Abe took all his shit and all his people, including Lot, and headed back to Canaan. By that time he was very rich for a nomad. They all settled down near where the future town of Bethel would be. However, their flocks grew so fast that it got too crowded for Abe and Lot's flocks to graze together. Lot's shepherds started to fight with Abe's guys over grazing land.

Abe and Lot Split Up

So Abe sez, "Hey, let's all be cool. This place is too cramped for both of our tribes. Lot, you go one way and I'll go the other." So Lot picked up and headed to the Jordan river near Sodom. I guess he hadn't heard that Sodom made San Francisco look like Salt Lake City. The famine was over by then, so Abe headed back to Canaan.

(Ch 14) Unfortunately, Lot arrived in the middle of a war between two groups of kings. I don't know why the Bible keeps calling them kings. They were just a bunch of tribal chieftains. Anyway, the so-called kings of Sodom and Gomorrah lost the rumble to the other side led by king Chadorlaomer. He took all the booty and headed home. Unfortunately, Lot's tribe was part of the booty.

Someone escaped and told Abe that Lot had been captured. Ol' Abe got together his posse and went to the rescue. He smote Chad and his boys something fierce. I like the word "smote." We should use it more today. Like, "Yea, and the army of President Bush smote the army of King Saddam Hussein." Abe won the day but was so rich that he refused to take any of the booty except for expenses.

After saving Lot, Abe gives 10 percent of all his loot to Melchizedek, the king and priest of Salam. Now if Abe was the first monotheist, who was this guy Melchizedek and why did he get the donation? Maybe he was just the local priest and Abe might have just been placating the local god. This is one of many incomplete stories in the Bible.

Abe Wants a Son

(Ch 15) Abe complained to God, "Sarai can't conceive and I don't have anyone to leave my stuff to when the time comes for me to check out." God replied, "Don't sweat it, Abe. You gotta have a little faith in me. You see all those stars in the sky? Well, that's how many descendants you are going to have in the future." God didn't call them descendants. He called them "seeds." Like "That's a handsome seed you have there, Mrs. Smith." or "Hey, you seeds! Behave yourselves or I'll plant one on you."

Then God told Abe, "Take a heifer, a goat and a ram along with a pigeon and a dove and sacrifice them to me. But first, except for the birds, chop them up in smaller pieces so they burn easier." God must have really worked up an appetite.

God gave Abe a prediction. He told Abe, "Your seed will all be slaves in a strange land for 400 years, but when they leave, they will first rip off a lot of stuff to take with them." I wonder why he wanted them all enslaved? Then he added, "I'll make a deal with you. You keep doing what I say and your people can have all the land from the Nile to the Euphrates River." He failed to tell him they would have to wipe out the entire population already there. Lives weren't worth much in those days. According to anti-abortionists nowadays, even a cell from a flake of skin has a soul.

Abe Knocks Up Wife's Maid

(Ch 16) As I said before, Sarai could not get knocked up. The fact that she was over 90 years old didn't help. And they didn't have fertility clinics in those days. Sarai told Abe, "Hey old man, leave me alone and knock up my maid instead, if you can still get it up." So Abe rises to the occasion and fucks the maid (if you pardon my French). I know I should write, "f_ _ k. But heck! We're all adults here. No child should ever read the Bible anyway until their little brains develop.

In those days they would say, "He knew her." That must have been confusing when you made an introductions and asked, "Do you know Mrs. Smith?"

Anyway, Hagar, the maid, soon became in the family way. However, Sarai got jealous of Hagar even though it was her idea. That's a woman for you. Couldn't make up her mind. So Sarai told Abe, "I don't want to see that slut around here anymore. You've got to choose between the two of us."

"Hey, she's your maid; you do whatever you want with her." So Sarai took her frustrations out on Hagar by beating her. Would that still be called spousal abuse?

Hagar said, "I ain't gona take any more of this shit. I'm getting the hell out of here," and Hagar ran away. This could put a kink in God's plan, so he sent an angel to patch things up.

The angel sez, "Where you going, girlfriend? Don't you know God has special plans for you? Don't let that bitch Sarai diss you. You tough it out and The Man will make yo son the father of a lot of gangs." Not all angels are white.

Ishmael is supposedly the progenitor of all the Arabs. The Muslims recognize Abraham as their patriarch and they include much of Genesis in their Koran. Their legend has it that both Hagar and Ishmael are buried in Mecca. The Arabians were influenced by Judaism and Christianity when they established Islam in the seventh century A.C.E. They even accept the Virgin Mary and Jesus as prophet who ascended to Heaven. The Mormons also recognize JC as a prophet and not a god, but they still call themselves Christians.

Hebrews Get Clipped

(Ch 17) When Abe was 99 years old, God told him, "Yo, Abe, my man. You remember that deal we made where all your people picked me to be their god and I give them all that land with milk and honey? Well, there are two minor conditions I forgot to tell you. First, you have to change your name to Abraham. The other one is that all the men in your tribe, including slaves, have to cut off some skin from the ends of their dicks." This was a form of a blood sacrifice for humans. The sacrificial animals had their throats cut.

That's what they all did and it was no small thing, considering that they didn't have sterilized scalpels and antiseptics. Scholars say that this custom originated long before God told Abraham to do it, and some other Semitic and African tribes still do it.

There is still controversy over this. To be cut or not to be cut, that is the question. I'm not of the Jewish persuasion, but they did it to me without my permission when I was too young to protest. It used to be that everyone who was born in an American hospital was clipped, supposedly for health reasons. Now you, or rather your parents, have a choice. If they waited until their babies were old enough to decide for themselves I don't think many would do it.

Circumcision was not new nor a custom solely of the Israelites. The custom goes back into prerecorded history. It was practiced by the Egyptians and the Canaanites under the Egyptians after they conquered the area. It was only after the exile in Babylon that it became important to the Jews to set them apart from the Babylonians. Some say the Jews got it from the Egyptians.

Then God went on to say, "Oh, and while I'm at it, I am going to change Sarai's name to 'Sarah.' I think that it sounds much nicer, don't you? And to top it all off, I am going to fix her female problem so you both can raise a little seed of your own. You are going to name him Isaac, and he will make a lot of grandkids and great-grandkids for you to bounce on your knees."

"How can I have kids if I am over 100 and Sarah is over 90?"

"Oy, don't vorry about it," God said. "I'll take care of everything."

Sodom and Gomorrah

(Ch 18) One day Abe, I still call him "Abe," was kicking back with a brewski in his tent while the temperature outside was in the high 90s when he saw God himself with three men. They must have been angels without wings in disguise. Abe had Sarah and her servants butcher a calf, bake some bread, and make a meal for them. God eats? I thought he just snorted smoke from burnt flesh. Without refrigeration and microwaves, there was no fast food in those days and everything had to be made from scratch the same day. No wonder they had to have so many wives, slaves and concubines.

One of the angels told Abe that Sarah was going to become pregnant and have an heir for Abraham. Sarah laughed when she heard this and said that she was past her child-bearing days.

God told Abe, "The main reason me and the boys dropped by is that in the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, sin and corruption have gotten so out of hand that I have decided to wipe them off the face of the Earth." They were even worse than Tijuana, Las Vegas, Chicago and New Orleans combined.

Abe tried to talk him out of it and got God to agree that if he could find even 20 righteous people, he wouldn't destroy all of them. Unfortunately for Sodom, the only righteous people he could find there were Lot and his family. While Abe was haggling with God, the three angels headed out for Sodom. God probably went up to Heaven to get all the fire and brimstone ready. As brimstone comes from volcanoes, God probably used one to do the job.

(Ch 19) When Lot saw the angels at the gate to the city, he rushed over and invited them to his house for dinner. I guess both gods and angels eat. I wonder what they eat in Heaven – angel food cake? Sorry, I had to slip that one in. Lot invited them to spend the night at his house to get an early start in the morning. Angels sleep? One doesn't want to destroy cities without a good night's sleep and a hearty breakfast. I'm sure Bush had a good breakfast before he destroyed Iraq.

Those angels must have been real hunks because when the men in the city saw them, they wanted to gangbang them. They told Lot to send them out or they would break his door down and drag them out. But Lot told them, "Hey, these are my guests – I saw them first. You really don't want to fuck around with them. Tell you what. I've got a couple of virgin daughters you can party with."

But one of the members of the crowd yelled back, "Send them out. We want ass, not pussy. If you don't send them out, we will fuck you even worse." Pardon me for being so crude, but I write what they probably said. The angels came to Lot's rescue and pulled him back into the house. Then they smote (I love that word) the Sodomites with blindness. They were lucky that God wasn't there or he would have fried their asses.

Actually there probably wasn't any homosexuality involved at all. The Bible said that all the men of the city, young and old, were involved. That doesn't sound like a very romantic dalliance to me. In those days it was common for men to rape their enemies to show their dominance over them – to put them in their place, equal to that of a lowly woman.

The angels told Lot, "Take your family, including your sons-in-law, and get the hell out of here before we smite the city. Whatever you do, don't look back." None of the sons-in-law were willing to leave, so Lot took his wife and the two virgin daughters, whom he had been about to throw to the crowd, and lit out for the mountains. But you know how curious women can be. Lot's wife had to look back and she was immediately turned into a pillar of salt. I'm sure it is not still there as animals like to lick salt.

As you know, the two cities were covered with fire and brimstone and haven't been found to this day. Archaeologists think it is possible that they may have been destroyed by a volcanic eruption and buried under the Dead Sea when it wasn't as low as it is today. The Dead Sea keeps getting smaller every year because of evaporation.

Keeping Incest within the Family

Now here is the strange part. After they moved to the mountains, the two daughters were getting horny and there weren't any eligible men in the neighborhood. They may have thought that God had destroyed everyone in the world except them. So the eldest daughter said to her sister, "Let's pick up a jug of wine and get Pop drunk. Then we will seduce him. If we don't get knocked up soon, there won't be any people after us."

Now how could Lot be so drunk as not to remember a little incest but still be able to perform? I guess God didn't mind as he didn't say anything. The daughters had sons who founded tribes that later in the future fought with the Hebrews. I wonder what the moral of this story is – a little incest is not a mortal sin as long as you keep it in the family.

Abe Pimps Wife – Again

(Ch 20) In this chapter, Abe was pimping his wife again. Either Sarah was one hot babe for over 90 or this chapter was in the wrong place. Maybe this was the world's first flashback in a book. I think that this story was just a different version of the one with the Pharaoh. Remember at the beginning I told you how there were two different versions of Genesis combined into the third?

This time the victim was Abe's neighbor, Abimelech, the king of Gerar. However, before he touched her, this time God warned him, "Hold on there dawg, Give Abe back his old lady (a real old lady) or you won't see the light of day. Plus I'll kill everyone in your tribe and make them sterile." Now why would God want to make anyone sterile after they were already dead? Aren't they already sterile if they are dead?

So Abimelech goes to Abe and asks him, "You schmuck! Why the hell did you set me up with your God by palming off your old lady as your sister? Here's a thousand pieces of silver. Now take your god damned god off my back." I wonder if this was a regular scam of God and Abe's as there is still a third version of this scam to come.

Abe Kicks Out Mistress and Son

(Ch 21) Now back to the main story. Sarah finally got pregnant and had Isaac. When he was eight days old, you know what happened to his little pecker. Sarah was still jealous of Hagar and her son Ishmael and wanted them kicked out of the hood. God told Abe to listen to his wife, so Abe gave Hagar one skin of water and one loaf of bread and told the bitch to hit the road with her bastard son. Talk about your caring father. Today he would be arrested for child abandonment. But that wasn't God's problem.

Eventually Hagar ran out of water and her son was dying of thirst. God heard her crying and sent a flunky angel to check and see what all the wailing was about. You would think he'd already know. "Cut out all that noise, bitch. What's the problem?"

She answered, "Just how far does God think we can go on one skin of water?" So the angel did some of his/her voodoo and, poof! A water well popped out of the ground.

"There now – satisfied? Since your bastard son's father was Abraham, God decided to make your son the father of all the Arabs. They will have to put up with all that black sticky stuff that oozes out of all that dry desert land, but God's favorite comes first and gets the best land."

A Well of a Tale

Now we get back to Abraham and Abimelech. It seems that Abimelech's boys took a well away from Abe's boys. Abimelech learned his lesson the first time and wanted nothing to do with Abe's god.

He said, "Hey! I didn't know about the well until now. You take it back. You have to admit that I have bent over backwards to be a good neighbor, even after that trick you played on me with your wife. So please make nice with my sons and grandsons. You are welcome to stay here as long as you like." Abe gave Abimelech some sheep and oxen and they made a non-aggression pact.

(Ch 22) As you might have guessed by now, the god of this period of time was not the god he was going to evolve into. Jehovah was a tribal god who could walk and talk like the savage nomadic sheep and goat herders who invented him. The proof is that although the Bible said God never changes, Jehovah was not the loving god people worship today. The Ten Commandments hadn't arrived on the scene yet.

Unlike the religions of the neighboring tribes, Abraham's eventually became monotheistic and his god was usually invisible without an idol to pinpoint him. However, like most of the gods of the time, Jehovah accepted burnt offerings. Most impartial scholars think that Jehovah also accepted human sacrifices like all his neighbors. Although you won't hear about it in church, there were two incidents in the Bible of Jehovah accepting human sacrifices. (See Judges 11:30-40 and II Samuel 21:1-9) When you had a famine or an important battle, you sacrificed your most precious thing. Being first born is not always best thing you could be.

Abe Tries to Sacrifice Son

Abraham wasn't too surprised one day when Jehovah asked him to sacrifice his favorite son to prove his loyalty to Him. Abe headed off to a high mountain (mountains were considered closer to God) with Isaac, wood, knife, and fire. "Hey, Pops!," exclaimed Isaac. "We've got most of the makings, but where is the meat to sacrifice?"

"Don't worry, Son. The Lord will provide," Abe lied, not wanting to freak the poor kid out. Can you imagine how you would feel if God ordered you to kill your own son? But with teenagers today, I can see how one could be tempted. When Abe reached the top of the mountain, he built an altar and started a fire.

He started to tie Isaac up. "Pop! What are you doing? Are you some kind of religious nut?"

Just as Abe raised his knife to cut his son's throat (the blood had to be drained out before the body would burn), God commanded, "Stop, Abe! You've proven your point. Don't kill the kid. Use that ram over there caught in the bushes." In those days God couldn't foretell the future so he had to have believers go through tests like this. God would be arrested for child abuse if he were a human today. I'll bet Isaac thought twice before going on any long walks with his father after that. Some think that this was the point in Jewish history when human sacrifices were replaced with animals.

The balance of the chapter is just more genealogy stuff.

Abe Sticks Sarah's Body in Cave

(Ch 23) This is a short chapter. Sarah died of old age. Abraham bought a cave from a local land-owner for 400 shekels of silver and stuck his wife in. That's a lot of money for just a hole in the ground. But we haven't heard the last of Sarah yet.

Steward Grabs Abe's Balls

(Ch 24) Abraham was getting old, even for biblical patriarchs, and he was starting to feel it. He asked his head honcho to grab his nuts and swear on them that he wouldn't let Isaac marry any of the local Canaanite women. I guess the local women weren't good enough for Abe's kid.

I already told you about testifying on testicles, didn't I? No? Well, in those days that was the custom. Even the Romans did it but they swore on their own balls. Maybe that's the reason Italians sometimes grab themselves and say, "I got your . . . right here!" The most important thing in those days was the family. So you swore an oath on your family jewels. I'm glad we don't do this in court today. Can you picture a witness grabbing the judge by his nuts? This is where you get the words testify, testament and testimony. Isn't etymology fascinating?

Future Wife Gets Ring in Nose

Abe's head steward took some camels, jewels, and other gifts and headed out for Mesopotamia where Abe's relatives lived. The steward arrived at the town well and prayed, "Lord – make it that if a virgin comes to the well, gives me a drink of water, waters my camels, and that she will be the one to marry Isaac." They had strange ways of picking wives in those days. Nowadays we have eHarmony. com and singles bars.

Sure enough, a really stunning girl came to get water at the well. I imagine that she was a virgin but he didn't check. She drew some water from the well, gave him a drink, and watered his camels also. It just so happened she was Abe's great-niece. He put a ring in her nose – ouch! Today proposals are made by the groom with a ring on the finger. However, now-a-days young people pierce everything. I knew a guy who pierced his doohickey twice and when he went, he went all over the place.

Her name was Rebecca. She took the steward home to meet Abe's brother Nahor and the rest of the family. The steward, we were never given his name, told her father, Abe's brother's son, that God picked her to be the lucky woman, and the whole Jewish nation would be based upon them. So her father agreed and they ate, drank, and were merry. The next day, Rebecca and her servants, along with "what's his name," the steward, headed back to Isaac and wedded bliss.

They were met by Isaac, who took her to meet Sarah, his mother. Now I know you are going to tell me that Sarah died in the last chapter, but it's not my fault that God can't keep his chapters in order. Either that or they dug her up again. Rebecca "comforted" Isaac when his mother finally died for the last time. You would think that, as the Bible is the most widely read book in the world, someone would have spent a little more time in editing it. I had six people proof and edit this book and there still are errors (if you find one, send me an email).

Abe Marries Again

(Ch 25) Abe took another wife, Keturah, and she had six sons. I don't know if they were one at a time or if she had sextuplets. Wow! For a guy well over a hundred, he sure was virile. Then Abe gave Isaac everything he owned. But to make sure there were no complications with the will, he paid off all his concubine's sons and sent them on their way.

I hope he gave them more than just a jug of water and a loaf of bread. Then he died and was shoved into the cave with Sarah by Isaac and Ishmael. You remember Isaac's elder half-brother, Ishmael, don't you? I'm surprised Ishmael kept in touch with the family with the way Abraham treated him and his mother.

The rest of the chapter gives the genealogy of Ishmael's seed.

### Chapter 4: Genesis – Isaac's Story

Isaac was 40 when he married Rebecca – a bit late to start a family which was supposed to grow into a nation. I doubt very much if he wasn't getting something that time.

(Ch 25) Here is a minor quandary. In the last chapter, Rebecca was a great-niece of Abraham. In this one, she was a Syrian. That would make Abe's brother a Syrian. Now it's Rebecca's turn to be infertile. They sure had a lot of infertile mothers of famous men in those days, just so God could fix them. Why was it always the women and not the men who were infertile?

Rebecca finally had twins kicking around in her womb. They were the future fathers of two nations. God predicted that one would be stronger than the other and that the older one would serve the younger. God got it only half right – the older never served the younger. But in these early stories, the names of people were usually the names of tribes. The tribe of the older, Esau, became the Edomites, who were conquered by the Israelites, the descendants of Jacob, the younger son.

Jacob and Esau

The first one who popped out was a red-headed, hairy little devil they named Esau. Coming right after him, holding onto his foot, was cute little Jacob. It would have been simpler if God had just made them come out in the correct order.

After they grew up, Esau was the hunter and Jacob was more of a mama's boy. Esau was Isaac's favorite while Jacob was Rebecca's – shades of Cain and Abel. One day when Esau came back famished from a hunt, Jacob had cooked a pot of lentil stew. Jacob persuaded Esau to promise him his birthright before he gave him anything to eat. Esau wasn't the brightest candle in the tent and he agreed. Moral lesson: it is OK to cheat your brother as long as you feed him afterwards.

(Ch 26) This is another confusing chapter. Jehovah should have let one of his angels edit it first. Even I could do a better. The story starts with Isaac going to Abimelech, the Philistine. Hold it! Wasn't Abimelech the king of Gerar? A minor detail.

God showed up and told Isaac not to go to Egypt but to stay in the land where he ordered him to stay put. God went into his spiel about him multiplying Isaac's seed and promising his seed all this land in the future. It was a good thing that Abimelech didn't hear him.

Like father like son. Isaac told Abimelech that Rebecca, his wife, was his sister. I guess he thought the scam worked so well for Abe that he would give it a try. You'd think old Abimelech would have learned by now. When he saw Isaac "sporting" with Rebecca, he saw the light. He told Isaac, "You schmuck! Why the hell are you doing this to me? Someone could have had his way with your wife and brought down the wrath of your god on us."

So Abimelech told all his people to keep their hands off Rebecca. This time God didn't get involved and Abimelech didn't have to pay off Isaac. But Isaac didn't care. He grew rich when God rewarded him with a bumper crop. He was no Bill Gates but at least he was rich enough for a nomadic tribesman turned farmer.

More Well Problems

However, the local Philistines became jealous and fought over the water wells. They filled in the wells that Abraham had dug. Abimelech told Isaac, "Your flock is getting too big and hogging all the grass. Get the flock off our land and go find yourself another place."

It was about time Abimelech kicked those ungrateful Hebrews out. But maybe I shouldn't call them Hebrews because they didn't speak Hebrew until they took over and killed most of the Canaanites, including the Philistines, and copied their language. Maybe I should call them "pre-Hebrews."

Isaac dug a new well but the Philistines came and said, "This well is ours too. It is on our tribal land." This happened a number of times until Isaac dug a well they didn't take. God came and went into his usual spiel about how all his seed and all the land . . . well, I'm sure you remember all this by now.

Abimelech showed up and Isaac said, "What the hell do you want now? I thought you hated us." Only he didn't say "Hell" as Hell hadn't been invented yet.

Abimelech replied, "I see now that you have your god on your side and he is stronger than ours, so I would like to make a treaty with you." They made a treaty and had a party, or as they called it, "made merry."

The chapter ends with Esau marrying a Hittite woman against the wishes of Isaac and Rebecca.

(Ch 27) The Hebrews had a custom of saying the same thing over again but in a different way. Sort of like when George Bush said ". . . and I say that we are winning the war against terrorism – the war against terrorism is being won." And what they said was similar to Bush's statements in that they weren't always true.

Jacob Scams His Father

Isaac was getting old and wanted to give his blessing to Esau who was the oldest by a foot. Isaac had this craving for venison and asked Esau to kill a deer before he gave him his blessing. Rebecca found out and had Isaac kill and roast a young kid (a goat, not a boy). She cooked it in a savory sauce so Isaac won't know the difference. Esau was smelly and hairy so Jacob put on one of Esau's dirty shirts and the skin of the kid on his arms. This fooled Isaac and Jacob got the blessing.

In those days, you couldn't un-bless someone. Once you were blessed, you stayed blessed forever. It must have been some kind of legal ritual that was binding even if it was obtained under fraudulent means. This meant Jacob was the boss and Esau had to work for him. What Esau really needed was a good Jewish lawyer.

The moral of this story is that God doesn't mind a little fraud as long as you get what you want. Don't forget, God predicted all this. I'm really disappointed in Jehovah. I think I'll take up Buddhism.

Rebecca heard that Esau planned to solve this problem by eliminating Jacob after Isaac died. She told Jacob, "Go to my brother's house until this all blows over." She told Isaac she was sending Jacob to her brothers so he could find a wife. "I won't have a son of mine marrying any of these local Canaanite sluts."

(Ch 28) I guess Isaac forgot about the mix-up in blessings because he blessed Jacob and sent him on his way. Meanwhile, Esau knew that Isaac didn't want him to marry a girl from Canaan, so he went to his Uncle, Ishmael, and married Mahalath, Ishmael's daughter. They intermarried with relatives more than the hillbillies from West Virginia do now.

A Stairway to Heaven

Back to Jacob – he stopped for the night and used a rock for a pillow. Surely he could have found something softer than that. I don't blame him for having a weird dream. He dreamed of a ladder to Heaven with angels climbing up and down. This was before elevators were invented. I'm sure that nowadays angels either use escalators or fly.

Then God gave Jacob his usual spiel about how prolific his seed was going to be and all the land they were going to end up with – the same story he gave Abe and Isaac. I hope you notice that so far none of them had been very prolific in sowing their seeds. They had better get started if they were going to establish a large nation.

When Jacob woke up from his dream, he thought he was at the location of the stairway to Heaven and he poured oil on his rock pillow. Don't ask me why. He called the place Bethel, and later the city of Bethel was supposedly built there. My guess is that it was just a local fable about how the city was founded. Jacob promised to give God 10 percent of everything he made. I think some smart priest slipped this one in.

(Ch 29) When Jacob got near Laban, his mother's brother, he came upon a well. There were shepherds at the well and he asked them if they knew Laban. "Yes, we know him," answered one of them. "And here comes his daughter, Rachel, with his flock."

When she arrived, he watered her flock and kissed her. "I am your mother's brother's son," he introduced himself. In the other story, it was the girl who did the watering. Wells took the place of singles bars in those days.

So he went with her and stayed at her home for a month. Laban asked Jacob, "Since you are working for me, what should I pay you?"

Jacob replied, "I love your daughter, Rachel. I'll tell you what. I will work for you for seven years if you will sell her to me." Women in those days didn't have much of a choice. It was all part of God's punishment for the apple thing. Come to think of it, women in many cultures still don't have much of a choice.

Still, seven years is a lot to pay for a wife when some of them were just given away. You could buy a whole harem for that. None of the others cost that much, and wasn't it usually the wife's family that paid the dowry? I don't see him waiting seven years before "getting any."

But love is blind and Jacob worked for seven years. But then Laban pulled a dirty trick on him. On the wedding night Laban switched Rachel with his older and plainer daughter, Leah. With the veil and all the celebrating he had been doing, Jacob didn't notice the switch until the next morning.

By that time, the goods had been damaged and couldn't be returned. There must be a moral teaching in here somewhere, after all, this is the Bible but God didn't say anything about the fraud, thus it must be OK to pull a fast one on your son-in-law especially when he is your nephew.

Two Sisters, Two Wives

Needless to say, Jacob wasn't too happy about this. "I slaved seven years for you and you do this to me? I hope you have a good explanation."

"Oh, I thought you knew. I had no choice. The law here is firm that the oldest daughter has to be married first. But don't worry. If you work for me for another seven years, I'll not only give you two virgins, you won't even have to wait to possess the goods." Because he loved Rachel, Jacob didn't have a choice and agreed. However, Jacob hated Leah because of the deception but that didn't stop him from performing his manly duties to both women.

God can really be a trickster. When he saw that Jacob hated Leah for her part in the subterfuge, he made her fertile and Rachel barren. Leah was so fertile that she popped out four sons, one after another. Naturally, Rachel was upset. After all, that's all women were good for in those days – baby factories. The slaves did all the housework.

(Ch 30) She told Jacob, "Give me some babies, preferably male, before I die."

"Woman, it's not my fault. I've been fucking my brains out with both of you and only she gets results."

"Well, then knock up my maid so I can have a baby by her." So he did and the maid did one after the other – two sons.

Again Leah had a dry spell and told Jacob, "Hey Super Stud, this isn't fair. You've got to service my maid, too." Poor Jacob. He hardly got a night's sleep. Four women to service – most men's fantasy. He should have been a Mormon. But at least he had the Sabbath to rest. Leah's maid gave Jacob two sons.

Reuben, Leah's oldest son, picked flowers for his mother. When Rachel saw this, she asked her if she could have some. Leah retorted, "It's not enough that you stole my husband, now you want my flowers also."

"Oh, don't get your knickers in an uproar. I'll tell you what I'll do," Rachel replied. "You give me the flowers and I'll tell Jacob that I have a headache and he will have to sleep with you tonight." Like most men, he didn't care who he slept with as long as he got a little. And what do you know? Leah got in the conception way and had her fifth son. And nine months later, another. And still later, finally a daughter, at least one we know of.

Then God remembered, "Oops, I forgot Rachel," and Rachel had Joseph and later, Benjamin. I guess that makes God a godfather. What's with all these women? Were they having a baby-making contest to see who could have the most? In those days, they were lucky they all surrived.

Jacob Strikes Out on His Own

Finally, Jacob had all he could take and told Laban, "You know, I've worked for you for over 14 years. I would like to have my pay and move on to start my own tribe. Your two daughters and their maids have sure given me a head start. You do know that since I have started working for you, with my god's help, I have multiplied your flocks many times. But I'm an easy man to deal with. I'll tell you what. I'll just take all the animals with spots and you can have all the rest."

Laban just couldn't help trying to take advantage of Jacob. He had his sons take all the spotted animals and hide them. But you can't put one over on Jacob and Jehovah. God gave Jacob some magic roots. When you waved them at the animals, the roots made spots on them. Maybe they were some kind of dye. That sounds like something a shaman would use today in a primitive culture.

How could the creator of the whole universe with the billions and billions, no, trillions of other planets get involved in something as mundane as a family squabble on a third-rate planet? With all the other things more important going on in the universe, how could he demean himself by playing with roots?

(Ch 31) When Laban and his sons found out how Jacob had called their hand, they were livid with anger. God told Jacob to hightail it back home and not to worry as he would always be with him. Maybe he had something up his sleeve more powerful than magic roots. Jacob's two wives backed him up as they were angry with Laban for selling them and for taking their money.

They took off on camels towards Canaan. However, unknown to anyone else, Rachel didn't want to go off and leave the family gods, so she stole them. I don't blame her for not trusting Jacob's god. A god in the hand is worth more than three in the sky. When Laban found out, he took out after Jacob with all his men. Before he caught up with Jacob, God (that is, Jehovah, not the idols) told Laban not to bother Jacob. I wonder how he conveyed the message as he wasn't Laban's god. Did God just come right up to him and tell him, or was it in a dream?

Laban camped on the other side of a river across from Jacob and his group. "Why did you sneak off like that in the middle of the night, kidnapping my daughters and grandsons? I didn't have a chance to kiss them all goodbye. I would have thrown them a going-away party. And on top of all that, you stole all my household gods and all I have to worship are the ones in the barn. You know that I could wipe you off the face of the earth if I wanted to, but your god told me not to, and since most of my good gods are missing, I though it wise to do what he said."

Jacob replied, "I was afraid that you would take your daughters back by force. However, I didn't take your damn gods. My god is all that I can handle." He didn't know that Rachael had taken them so he added, "You can look for them yourself and if you find that someone stole them, I'll see to it that he is killed." Laban and his men searched Jacob's baggage. When he went to Rachel's tent to search, she sat on the camel pack where the gods were hidden. When Laban came to the pack, she told him that she was having her period. Women and anything they touched were considered unclean when they were having their periods, thus he passed her by. I don't blame him as they didn't have Kotex back then.

Jacob was angry with Laban. "What did I ever do to you that would make you come after me? If you find any of your household stuff here, bring it out and if it is yours, you can take it. Twenty years I have slaved for you – fourteen for my wives and six for my cattle." At least a wife costs one year more than a herd of cattle. "I have worked my tail off for you and what did you do? You have changed the terms of our agreement ten times. I slaved for you in the rain, snow, and drought. If it weren't for my god's help, I would be going home empty-handed."

"These are my daughters, those are my children, and these are my cattle," Laban replied. "Everything you see here is mine. Greedy little bastard. But what can I do about it with your god on your side?"

Jacob stacked a pile of rocks and they ate on top of it. In those days, lawyers hadn't been invented, and most people didn't know how to write a contract. So when tribes made agreements or treaties, they made a pile of rocks or an altar to remind each party of what was sworn to. In addition, they probably also grabbed their nuts and swore an oath. Disagreements were simpler to resolve. If you disagreed, you fought and considered the tribe or individual who won, or who was still alive, in the right.

Jacob agreed not to harm Laban's daughters and not to take any more wives. Concubines didn't count. They both agreed that neither of them would cross past the pile of rocks to harm the other. Then Jacob made a sacrifice to Jehovah. After spending the night, Laban kissed his daughters and grandsons and returned home.

Jacob Meets Esau

(Ch 32) On his way, Jacob met a group of angels, but the Bible didn't say why they were even mentioned. Maybe this was another story that was incomplete. Or maybe the rest of the story went against their beliefs and it was deleted. Or maybe they ran out of scroll paper. When Jacob got closer to home, he sent a messenger to tell Esau that he had his own cattle and slaves and asked if he would be welcome.

The messenger returned and told Jacob that Esau was on his way with 400 men. Naturally, this worried Jacob. He wasn't sure if Esau had forgiven the dirty trick he had played on him. To be on the safe side, he divided his possessions into two groups so if Esau were to smite him (the present tense of smote) he would only lose half.

He prayed, "God, you told me to return to my relatives and you would protect me. I may not be worthy of it, but please don't let my brother smite me. And if you don't let him, I promise to be good and spread my seed all over the place."

Just to be on the safe side, he decided to soften things up by sending Eau a large gift of 200 she goats, 20 he goats, 200 ewes, 20 rams, 30 milk camels with colts, 40 cows, 10 bulls, 20 she asses, and 10 he asses. With animals, females were more valuable than males. Wow! That's a lot of animals. Jacob must have really made out working for Laban to afford all this and still have even more left over for himself.

He told his servants to go ahead and give them to Esau. "And if he asks you where they came from, tell him that they came from Jacob and that he is waiting for him. Maybe with this gift, he will forget about what I did to him and accept me."

In the middle of the night, just to be on the safe side, Jacob sent his two wives, 11 sons and their personal servants across the river for their protection while he stayed behind.

Jacob Wrestles with God

Now, this is where it starts to get weird. I think he just had a nightmare. Jacob came across a stranger and they wrestled all night. The stranger touched a tendon in a hollow of Jacob's thigh and knocked his joint out. The stranger said, "Let me go as it is almost daylight." But Jacob said, "I won't let you go until you bless me." The stranger asked him his name and Jacob told him.

Then the stranger said, "Your name is now Israel as you have power with God and men and you have prevailed." Jacob asked him his name, but he didn't say. Jacob said, "I have seen the Lord face-to-face and survived (contradicting Exodus 33:20)." Now come on! A man beating God at wrestling? God could beat him with one wing tied behind his back if he wanted. This sounds like a child's fairy tale that was added to the book.

Jacob's, or rather, Israel's, tendon was still out of whack and it is said that Jews will never eat tendons. I'll have to ask a Jewish friend and see if that is still true. But who would want to eat a tendon anyway?

(Ch 33) When Jacob saw Esau in the distance with his 400 men, he put the maids and their children in front and Rachel and Joseph at the rear. I think that "maids" was just a polite word meaning "concubines" because their kids were all fathered by Jacob. Then all of them moved in front, bowing as they went along. I guess Jacob changed his mind and brought them back from across the river.

When Esau saw Jacob, he ran forward and embraced him. When he saw the women and children, he asked, "Whose women and children are those?"

"God has been good to me," Jacob replied. The maids and their children came out and bowed, followed by Jacob's flock. Even though he was supposed to be named Israel, the Bible still referred to him as Jacob.

"What do you mean by all the cattle I met coming over?" Esau asked.

"Oh, they are just a few things that I thought you might like."

"You keep them, I have more than enough."

"I insist."

"Oh all right, if you insist."

Jacob Settles in Shechem

Esau wanted Jacob to follow, but Jacob said that with all the flock and children he couldn't move very fast. So Esau returned and Jacob found a place to pitch his tent outside the city of Shechem in Canaan. Jacob bought a piece of land and built the usual altar to make a sacrifice. I guess he never got back to Esau as we never hear about Esau again.

Jacob did not take over all of Esau's flocks and have him work for him. It doesn't seem God's prophecy came true at that time. Fundies say that it came true because the Edomites were the descendants of Esau and they were conquered by Israel. But that's not what the prophecy said and if God meant this, why didn't he say so? God just likes to play mind games.

The Rape of Dinah

(Ch 34) Leah's daughter, Dinah, went into the town to visit some of the local women .While she was there, Shechem, the son of the ruler of the city of the same name, raped her. Afterwards, Shechem thought Dinah was such a good lay that he asked his father to get her for his wife.

When Jacob and all his sons heard about this, they were incensed. Shechem's father, Harmon, came to discuss the matter with Jacob. Harmon asked Jacob to allow Dinah to marry his son. He proposed that Jacob's sons marry his daughters and his sons would marry Jacob's. I guess he didn't know that Jacob only had one daughter we know of. Daughters were considered nonentities.

Marrying into another tribe would improve the gene pool, with all the inter-marrying with close relatives they had been doing. Harmon also proposed a merger of their two tribes. His son, Shechem, who had come along with him, said he would pay any dowry within reason because he loved Dinah.

Jacob left it to his sons to handle the situation and they did a very nasty thing. They told Harmon and Shechem that the merger was only possible if all the men in the city were circumcised. They agreed and all the men in the city had their peckers clipped. Now, if any of you guys reading this have had the tip of your cock cut when you were old enough to remember, you would know that this is a very sensitive part of the male anatomy.

I don't see why kids today sometimes pierce their penises and put rings in them. I had a friend with two rings in his cock and when he pissed, he sprayed all over the place.

Some people think that because the U.S. has the highest percentage of circumcised men in the first world, and that we have the highest percentage of violence and violent crimes in the first world, that these two facts might be related. I saw a video of a baby being circumcised. Believe me, it is not a pretty sight. They definitely feel it, even if they are too young to remember it consciously.

Then Dinah's two brothers, Simeon and Levi, went into the city and killed every man. They pillaged the city and enslaved all the woman and children. That's one way to merge the tribes.

Jacob said to the two sons, "You have made me very unpopular with the other tribes in the area." His popularity was more important than all the innocent men they had killed. I guess God was OK with it as he didn't say anything.

The Tribe Moves On

"As Israel is a small tribe, we had better hightail it out of here before they find us," Jacob ordered. We'll call the tribe Israel and Jacob as the patriarch.

(Ch 35) Why God would get himself involved with a bunch of immoral camel jockeys, I don't know. But God told Jacob to head over to Bethel, the place where he put the oil on the rock after hallucinating about that ladder full of angels. "Don't worry, Jacob. I'll fix everything." God threw a scare into all the nearby cities so they wouldn't follow them.

Jacob told his tribe to get rid of their strange idols and clean up their act. This gives us a hint that maybe Jehovah didn't always have a monopoly on the god thing. They took off for Bethel where Jacob, a.k.a. Israel, built another altar and made a sacrifice. God gave him the same old pep talk about being their god as long as he had the monopoly on the god job. Then God told him to be fruitful and start multiplying. And he reminded him that his name was Israel, not Jacob, even though the Bible kept calling him Jacob.

The Israelites moved a little ways from Bethel where Rachel went into labor. It was a hard labor and she died after giving birth to Benjamin, the last of the twelve brothers and the founders of the twelve tribes of Israel. This is the second time Benjamin was born. Maybe he crawled back in after the first time. They kept on moving to find fresh grazing for the animals.

Now here is one of those strange, quick little comments that must have been part of a larger story that got lost. Reuben was caught sleeping with his father's concubine. That was it. No explanation of what happened afterwards or if he was punished. At least we know he wasn't killed.

Isaac died and Esau and Jacob/Israel, buried him.

(Ch 36) We will skip Chapter 36. It is just another genealogy of Esau's offspring. Esau's descendants were just going to be killed off later by the descendants of Jacob so why go to all the trouble?

### Chapter 5: Genesis – Joseph's Story

Now we get to the famous Sunday school story and Broadway musical, "Joseph and His Coat of Many Colors." When you had as many sons as Jacob, it was not a good idea to show favoritism. However, Jacob loved Joseph best because he was the second to the last son of his favorite wife.

(Ch 37) When Joseph was 17, Jacob bought him an expensive multicolored coat. It was expensive because you couldn't buy colored dyes just anywhere, and many colors were very rare. Joseph was a little snot and flaunted his exalted status by tattling on his brothers to his father. The ultimate show of his self-proclaimed superiority occurred when he told them of a dream in which their sheaves of wheat would bow down to him. Another dream depicted all the Heavenly bodies bowing down to him. How do you imagine a star bowing to you? This was even a bit much for his father.

One day, his brothers were feeding the flock of sheep at Shechem. That was a bit strange because they had killed every man in the city of Shechem and took all the wives and children. Maybe it was a ghost town. Looks like Joseph stayed at home to keep his father company. Anyway, Joseph's father sent him to check up on them. But Joe found his brothers had moved on to Dothan to find greener pastures.

When the brothers saw him coming, they conspired to fix Joe's wagon for good. They decided to kill him and tell their father they found his body after some beast had killed him. But Reuben said, "No, let's not kill him. We don't want his blood on our hands. Let's just throw him in this empty well." And that's what they did after stripping him of the odious coat of many colors. Reuben had actually planned to come back to rescue Joe.

While Reuben was somewhere doing something else, and the rest of the brothers were eating, they saw a camel train of Ishmaelites on their way to Egypt to sell a load of cargo. Judah had a great idea. "Instead of killing him, let's just sell him as a slave. That way his blood won't be on our hands." They got 20 pieces of silver for him and that was the wholesale price.

Later on, Reuben went back to rescue Joe and found the pit empty. He tore his clothes. I hope he brought an extra set with him as it would be difficult to find a tailor in the wilderness. Instead of crying or yelling, in those days people would tear their clothes. That would be rather expensive today if you were wearing an Armani or a Bill Blass.

Reuben returned to his brothers and found out what they had done. They killed a kid and dipped the coat in the blood to fake Joe's death. It was easier to get away with things in those days because they didn't have the DNA tests.

When they returned and showed the coat to Jacob, he broke down and not only tore his clothes, he put on sackcloth. That must be something like our burlap used in gunny sacks. It hit him pretty hard and he took a long time to get over it.

Back in Egypt, the Midianites sold Joseph to the Pharaoh's captain of the guards. Now how did Joseph go from the Ishmaelites to the Midianites?

Mastering Masturbation

(Ch 38) Here we break into the tale about Joe with a totally different story. This Israelite soap opera has furnished an unbelievable amount of suffering to teenage boys throughout all the ages. It has been used as the basis against masturbation to release sexual tension, otherwise known as using 'Mary Hand and her five daughters' or 'slapping the monkey' among other euphemisms.

The story started with Judah, one of Jacob's sons. Judah married a Canaanite woman, Shula, who had a son they named Er and then a son named Onan. Er married a girl named Tamar. But God didn't like Er and killed him before he had an heir. In those days, the law was that if your brother died before having an heir, you had to knock up his widow so she could have a son to carry on the family name. Without a son, she would not have any "Social Security" in her old age.

I would guess that because he wanted to have his father's entire inheritance, Onan didn't want to perform his conjugal duties. So he pulled out before he shot, spilling his seed on the ground. Onan's disobedience made God mad and he killed Onan. Later the sex-hating clergy were looking for some way to stop boys from jerking off and used this story as an excuse. Of course it didn't stop them from molesting boys.

Anyone with half a mind can see this story had nothing to do with masturbation, also called "onanism." Priess have even told boys that if they did this, they would either go blind, insane, or grow warts on their hands. Even today, the Catholic Church uses such examples to thwart any adolescent male from stroking his member, regardless of how good it feels.

The younger son, Shelah, was too young to finish the necessary deed, so Judah told Tamar that she would have to stay celibate until Shelah was old enough to breed. I wonder how old that would be. There are a lot of kids who are doing their teachers nowadays.

But for some reason not told, when Shelah was old enough, he didn't do the deed. He must have had a very good reason as it was a death sentence if he didn't go through with it. Maybe the mohel, the guy who does the clipping, clipped it a little too close. Tamar was getting worried. Her biological clock was ticking. Or maybe it was a biological sundial. So she came up with a plan.

Judah's wife, Shula, had died so he wasn't getting any. One day, Judah went out to the field to shear his sheep. Tamar dressed up like a whore and waited where Judah would pass by returning from the field. He was horny without his wife, so he was easy to entice. Jehovah didn't seem to mind as he didn't say or kill anyone. Judah told her, "Sorry, I don't have any money on me but I'll send you a kid from my flock."

"Sorry," she said. "I run a strictly cash-and-carry business. But I'm willing to take your ring, bracelet, and staff for security." Judah agreed, but when he sent a servant with the kid to pay her, she was nowhere to be found and no one had ever known a girl working that corner before.

She got lucky and conceived the first time out. Three months later, when she was beginning to show, Judah was going to burn her alive. It's that old double-standard again. But that's the way Yahvah wants it. In some Middle-Eastern countries, it is still that way today. Then Tamar told Judah, "Before you fry me, don't you want to know who the father is? No? Well, I'll show you anyway." With that, she brought out Judah's ring, bracelet and staff.

To finish the story and get back to Joseph, she had twins. When the first one started to come out, the midwife tied a red ribbon on his hand so you could tell which one would be the oldest and the heir. However, he decided to go back inside and the other one popped out first. This is a little similar to Jacob and Esau. The Bible never did tell which one was considered the older.

Now, what would you say the moral of this story is? Maybe for Judah it was, "If you want the job done right, do it yourself." Later on after Moses came out with all the laws, it would have been a death penalty for Judah to fuck his own daughter-in-law.

Joseph and the Pharaoh

(Ch 39) In this chapter, Joseph was sold by the Ishmaelites to Potiphar, the captain of the Pharaoh's guard. But I thought a prior chapter said he was sold by the Midianites? It was just another minor inconsistency in a very sloppily-edited book. Couldn't they afford editors in those days?

Even at 17, Joe must have been a very bright lad. Potiphar put him in charge of his whole household. Even though God wouldn't protect Joe from slavery, he made everything he touched turn out well. However, Potty's wife had hot pants for Joe. After he turned down her advances, the bitch framed him by telling her husband that he tried to rape her.

Potty believed his wife, so he had Joe thrown in jail. Like always, Joe rose to the top and was put in charge of all the prisoners. Of course, the fundies say that this was all a contrived plan of God's. I wonder why God went to all this trouble when he could have just waved his magic wand and accomplished the same thing much faster and easier.

(Ch 40) The Pharaoh's butler and baker ran afoul of the Pharaoh's favor, so had the captain of the guard, Joe's former boss, throw them into prison. Working for royalty may have its benefits, but longevity isn't one of them. If there was a bad vintage or too much salt in the bread, not only would your job be terminated, you were often terminated with extreme prejudice.

After they had been in the prison for a season, they each had a dream. Sigmund Freud hadn't written his book on the interpretation of dreams yet, so they did the next best thing and told Joe about them.

The butler told him, "In my dream there were three branches of grapes. I squeezed the grapes into a cup and served it to the Pharaoh."

"That's an easy one," said Joe. "In three days, you will be serving wine to the Pharaoh." Joe must have had a little help from God otherwise how would he know if it was three days, three weeks, or three months. "That's fantastic," exclaimed the butler.

"Do me a favor and please remember me when you are back in favor, will you?" asked Joe.

Then the baker told Joe about his dream. "I had three baskets of bread. A flock of birds came down and started to peck at the bread."

"I'm not sure you really want to hear this," Joe said. "In three days you will be hanged and the birds will peck at your flesh. Sorry, but I tells 'em like I sees 'em."

Everything Joe predicted happened; however, the butler forgot his promise.

The Pharaoh's Dreams

(Ch 41) Two years went by and the Pharaoh had a couple of dreams. In the first one, seven fat cows came out of the Nile and started grazing in a meadow. Then seven scrawny cows emerged from the river and ate the seven fat cows. I wonder what it looked like; a cow eating another cow. Did they have to chew their cud?

In the second dream, seven fat ears of corn grew on a cornstalk. Actually, they didn't have corn in those days as it hadn't been discovered in Mexico yet. But the word "corn" really means "grain" and what we call "corn" is really "maize." Anyway, seven scrawny heads of some kind of grain grew out of the stalk and ate the fat grains. How does a grain eat another grain?

These dreams freaked out the Pharaoh and he asked his court magicians to translate the meaning of the dreams. They told him they didn't have the foggiest idea what they meant. If I were a court magician, I would have come up with some story just to protect my job. But that would have ruined this story.

The butler overheard the dream problem and remembered his promise to Joe. He told the Pharaoh how Joe had interpreted his dream correctly when he was in prison. So the Pharaoh called to have Joseph brought up from the prison and asked him to interpret his dreams.

Joe gave the Pharaoh his weather report for the future. "Your majesty, both dreams have the same meaning. My god has given me the power to interpret them for you. The dreams mean that Egypt will have seven good years of weather with bumper crops. Then will come seven years of famine."

"Wow! That sounds terrible," the Pharaoh exclaimed. "What would you recommend that I do?"

"Well, your greatness, I recommend that you appoint someone who can organize a plan to collect and store one-fifth of all the crops in the fat years and sell them during the lean years. This way, you will really fatten your wallet." You notice that Joe said, "sell," not "give." Joe was no dummy. This way they would corner the commodities market and make a bundle on insider trading through Joe's contact with God. I wonder how they were to support the people on only one-fifth of the crop.

Pharaoh went for the idea and appointed Joe as his number-one adviser. Joe got all the perks of office including a custom-built, chauffeured chariot. In addition, he got a trophy wife who was the daughter of the Egyptian high priest.

Joe got busy right away collecting and storing grain. Everything happened just like he predicted. During this time, his wife gave him two sons, Manasseh and Ephraim. They became two of the twelve or thirteen tribes of Israel, depending on how you count.

When the famine hit, Joe started selling grain like hotcakes. Everyone from around Egypt had to buy from him. The moral of the story so far is that God is all for cutthroat capitalism and fuck the little guy. God sounds like a Republican.

The Brothers Buy Bread

(Ch 42) When Jacob heard there was grain for sale in Egypt, he sent ten of his sons to buy some, but he kept Benjamin, his new favorite, at home. When his brothers arrived in Egypt, Joe recognized them at once but didn't let on. By then, he had to be in his 40s and he had been only 17 when he was sold. When they appeared before Joe to buy the grain, he asked them, "Where do you come from and what are you doing here? Are you spies coming here to scout the land?"

"No, your honor," spoke one of the brothers. "We are just humble shepherds from Canaan. We aren't spies, we just want to buy some grain from you and go home to our father."

"I still think you are all spies. How many sons does your father have?"

"He has twelve sons, ten of us are here, the youngest is at home, and one we don't know where he is."

"OK. You may buy the grain and take it home. However, you are going to have to leave one of you back as a hostage until you bring your youngest brother here so I can verify your story."

"Shit!" One of the brothers exclaimed. "It looks like we are just being punished for what we did to Joseph."

Reuben replied, "I told you so, if you remember." They spoke in front of Joe because he was using an interpreter and they didn't think he understood.

Joe turned around and cried and then turned back. He had Simeon tied up and sent them on their way with the grain they bought. However, he had all their money put back into their sacks. Later when they stopped to feed the donkeys, one of them opened a sack and exclaimed, "Holy shit! The money is back in my sack. What is God trying to do to us now?" They were all very shocked.

When they got back home, they explained the whole story to Jacob, who cried out, "Joseph is gone, Simon is gone, but you aren't going to take Ben. If something would happen to him, it would kill me."

(Ch 43) The famine was getting worse and the tribe of Israel was quickly running out of food. If this was just one of God's little games, he was making the whole area suffer just so he could play games with a few Israelites. Jacob told his sons to go back to Egypt to buy more food, but Judah answered, "But Pop. The man said he wouldn't see us unless we brought Ben with us. We are going to have to take a chance or we will all die of starvation anyway. I promise to be responsible for him and if anything should happen, it will be on my head."

Jacob relented and told his sons, "Take some balm, honey, spices, myrrh, nuts, and almonds with you as gifts." At least they had nuts and honey to survive on. I wonder where the bees found all the flowers in the middle of a drought. "In addition, take double the money. Apologize and tell him that it must have been an oversight." So they took Benjamin, the presents, and the money and set out for Egypt, a long trip by donkey.

They stood before Joe and he saw his brother Ben. He had his major domo invite all of them to his place for lunch. There wouldn't be any Egyptians present because they would not eat in the same place as Hebrews. They arrived and stood before Joe with their presents.

They were very worried and afraid they would all be taken as slaves. They told their story to Joe's butler and he said, "Don't worry about it. Joseph may be a bit harsh at times, but he's really a pussycat underneath it all." He took care of their asses and brought out brother Simon.

When Joe arrived home for lunch at noon, they all bowed, touching the ground, and gave him the presents. "Good afternoon, gentlemen. I hope you all had a pleasant journey. How is the old man, your father? And this is the younger brother you spoke of?" Not waiting for an answer, overcome with emotion, Joe turned around and went into another room to weep. After that, he joined them and had the food brought in. They all sat down with him and ate, drank, and had a good time.

(Ch 44) Joe told his butler to put all their money back in their sacks and to put his silver cup in Ben's bag. In the morning, they got on their asses and headed back. Later, Joe told his head butler, "Go after them and stop them. Tell them, `My master's silver cup is missing. As generous as he was to all of you, why would you want to do such an evil thing?'"

He did as he was told and one of the brothers answered back, "No way Jose! Why would we want to steal from your master? We even brought back the silver we found in our bags. I'll tell you what. If you can find anything one of us has stolen, you can kill him and the rest of us will be your slaves"

So they opened all the sacks starting with the oldest first. Of course when they got to Ben's bag, they found the cup. They were so shocked they tore their clothes. I hope they all had underwear on. When they got back to Joe, Judah exclaimed, "What can I say? How can we clear ourselves? God has found our iniquity. We are all your slaves."

"No," Joe replied. "My god would never let me do that. The man who took my cup will be my slave – the rest of you go back home."

Then Judah spoke up, "Have a heart, my lord. Aren't you as powerful and fair as the Pharaoh? Haven't you a father or a brother? Our father would die if we didn't return with his youngest son. I guaranteed I would be responsible for the lad" (Ben must have been at least 25 by then). "Let me be your slave instead."

Joseph Breaks Down and Cries

(Ch 45) And then Joe couldn't contain himself anymore, "Hey guys! Surprise! It's me your bro Joe!" And he started crying again. "No foolin; guys. It's really me. Of course I've put on a little weight since you last saw me."

His brothers were stunned and didn't know what to say. They were also worried about what Joe thought about them selling him as a slave.

"Come over here and give your long-lost brother a hug. Don't sweat the slavery thing. It was all God's crazy ideas and you did me a favor. Otherwise I would just be an ordinary sheep herder like you. If you hadn't sold me into slavery, thousands, maybe millions would have died of starvation.

"And have I got a surprise for you. I've got a really hot piece of property called Goshen that you and Pop can move the whole tribe to. So go tell Pop to bring them over." After that, they did the whole hugging, kissing, and crying thing.

Pharaoh heard about Joe's brothers and told him, "Tell your brothers to hightail it to Canaan and have your father move all his stuff to Goshen. I will see to it that they have all the food they need and anything else they want. Get some wagons and plenty of provisions and tell them not to worry about leaving their asses and stuff here. When they get back, they can have everything they need."

Joe got them new clothes, as they had torn their old clothes. They got into the wagons and were sent on their way with presents for Jacob. When they got home, they told Jacob, "Joseph is alive and is the governor of Egypt."

"I don't believe it. Have you been smokin' that crazy weed again or are you just shoveling me a load of shit?" But when he saw all the wagons he saw the light. "Ok. It looks like you are telling the truth. Now I get to see little Joe before I die."

Going to Goshen

(Ch 45) Jacob got the whole Israelite tribe together – all the brothers, their wives, concubines, children, slaves, camels, asses, cattle, sheep, goats, tents, and other stuff – and loaded everything into the wagons and they took off.

When they camped at Beersheba, God talked to Jacob. "Hey Jacob. It's me, your god. You know, the god of your ancestors. Go on to Egypt and I'll make you the founder of a great nation." (Yeah. We've all heard that before.) "I'm going to go with you and eventually I'll bring your tribe back." (Yeah, in another 400 years.)

We can skip the next part as it is a list of all the brothers' wives and offspring. The total that went to Egypt, not counting slaves, concubines and their children, were three score and six (66) so there had to be at least double that.

Judah went ahead to meet with Joe so to guide them to what was later to be called Goshen. Goshen received its name centuries later than when the Israelites were supposed to have been in Egypt. Later, Joe got on his chariot and went to Goshen to meet his father. When they met, they did the usual kissing and hugging. Jacob said, "Now that I've seen you, I can die."

"I'm going to introduce you to Pharaoh," Joe said. "I told him you were all cattlemen. If he asks you what you do, tell him you all raise cattle. Whatever you do, don't even mention sheep. Just like ranchers in the U.S., Egyptians hate sheep because they strip all the grass."

(Ch 47) Joe told the Pharaoh that his family had arrived in Goshen. He also brought five of his brothers to introduce them to the Pharaoh. "What do you guys do for a living?" asked the Pharaoh.

"We raise sheep, your majesty," one of the brothers slipped up and said. "But, with the famine in Canaan, we didn't have much grass for them to graze." Evidently, they forgot Joe told them not to tell anyone they were sheep herders. But it didn't seem like a big deal as nothing was said about it. I don't know why it was even brought up in the first place.

One of the brothers said, "We would appreciate it if you would let us live in Goshen."

"Of course you can live there. By-the-way, if any of your people know how to take care of cattle, they can manage my cattle." After Joe brought Jacob in to bless the Pharaoh, the Pharaoh asked, "Jacob, how old are you?"

"I'm 130 years old," wheezed Jacob. "I've had good days and bad days. But I'm not as old as my ancestors were." God seemed to have forgotten that he said no one would live over 120. But maybe God made an exception in Jacob's case. Then Jacob blessed the Pharaoh and left. Joe gave his family enough provisions to be sure they made it through the famine.

The famine was really getting bad and Joe was making money for the Pharaoh hand-over-fist. He turned over all the money he got from selling grain over to the Pharaoh. When people ran out of money, he traded livestock. When they ran out of livestock, he took their land. He moved everyone except the priests into the cities. He gave all the people seed and told them to sow. He passed a law that one-fifth of all they grew would go to the Pharaoh. Although Joseph and the Pharaoh saved them from starvation, they became his slaves.

Now think about this last paragraph and see if you can come up with a good moral teaching. Is this a guide for modern capitalism? Joe and the Pharaoh with God's help sound like robber barons to me. They ripped off the people and then sold it all back to them.

Jacob Dies

Finally, it was the time for Jacob to die. He asked Joe to grab his balls and swear he would bury him back home in the family cave, which Joe swore. I guess it was OK to grab your father by the gonads as long as you don't see him naked.

(Ch 49) Jacob is supposed to have written a poem about his sons, comparing them to animals. Some of the comparisons were not too favorable. When Jacob gives his deathbed testament, it reflects the tribes from around the time of King David and is supposed to have been written at that time.

(Ch 50) When he died, Joe threw himself on his father, kissed him and wept. He ordered that Jacob be embalmed. As you know, the Egyptians were good at that. Maybe someday someone will find Jacob's embalmed body. For 40 days everyone mourned his passing, including the Egyptians. I think that this might be an exaggeration as why would the Egyptians mourn a bunch of foreigners they hardly knew?

Then Joseph asked the Pharaoh, "Hey Boss. If you still dig me, my old man made me swear on his family jewels that I would stick him into the family cave. Would that be OK with you?"

So Joe heads off to Canaan with the whole tribe of Israel and all the important people in Egypt. There they all wept and mourned for seven days. I wonder if they all tore their clothes. The brothers carried Jacob into the family cave bought from Ephron the Hittite by Abraham, their great grandfather.

We and God will now take a break for 400 years and wait for Moses to arrive on the scene.

* * *

That's all you get for free. If you liked Genesis, you'll love the rest of the _Bible Naked, the Greatest Fraud Ever_ Told.

### Bookwarren Publishing Services

Bookwarren is a low-cost subsidy publisher and formatter for self-publishing authors

by Sam Warren (soft-cover)

* The Bible Naked, The Greatest Fraud Ever Told

* Tale from the Tijuana Jails

* The Priest, the Pastor and the Rabbi

by Olin Thompson (hard-cover)

* _Terror and Revenge_

* The Long Ride

* No Hiding Place

* Dogs of Justice

* The Edge of the Knife

* Wake Island

* Chief of Detective

* Balls of Ice

* 640 Sam 549 Now

* SS Wolfhound

* Beverly Hills White

* La Cresta de Los Sandios

* Buzzards Got to Eat

* Sabena Wolf

* Fall of Grace

* Bad Day at Coa Danh

* Posse from Texas

* Yuma: A Hell on Earth

* Vengeance Force

As I'm sure you are aware of, there are plenty of excellent books out there that would be on the "New York Times Best Seller List" if only people knew of them. Olin Thompson's books are like that. He doesn't care as he enjoys writing, not promoting.

Others

* _The Gods of Mars_ – David Szabo

* _17 Figments_ – Matthew St.Claire

* _A Matter Of Life And Death: THE Guide to Preparing for Tomorrow – TODAY_ – Dr. Kathryn Fugate

These books can be purchased in a print edition from http://www.Amazon.com.

This the the **Preface, Introduction and the Forward** all in one in the back:

The Emperor Has No Clothes

The purpose of this book is not to try to disprove the existence of a god. That would be impossible, as the existence of a god or gods can not be proved or disproved. Scientists have found a part of the brain where religion is centered. The site is enlarged in religious fanatics. There had to be a reason for the fact that most people believe in some kind of god. It takes a brave person to face the realities of this dog-eat-dog world without the comfort of knowing that there is a reason for all this.

However, people who think they believe in the Bible believe in a mythical book much nicer than the real thing. You don't find a loving god in the Bible. By using the Bible itself, I will endeavor to show that it is not an infallible book written, dictated, or inspired by God. When a priest or preacher tells you every word in the Bible is true, you can tell him that he is blowing smoke up his ass. (I plan to use a few three-and four-letter Anglo-Saxon words to emphasize different points.)

What qualifications do I have to write this book? I don't have a Ph.D. after my name and I'm not a trained Biblical scholar. You don't have to be a genius to see that the Bible is full of errors, absurdities, lies, contradictions, false prophecies, immorality, etc. If a nebbish like me can see them just by reading the Bible with an open mind, then everyone who has an ounce of intelligence can see them if they haven't been brainwashed by society and their minds are not impervious to facts and logic.

When I was a boy growing up in a small Kansas town in the '40s, I was told that every prediction in the Bible was 100 percent true. Even when I was 15 and went through the gut-wrenching decision that there was no god, thereby risking eternal damnation in Hell, I still believed the Bible was factually true. When I was 31, I saw a book on a friend's coffee table that pointed out some of the errors. It is so simple to find them when you read the Bible with an open mind. You would have to be an idiot to not see the errors. Believers don't dare to question it.

I am not anti-religion. My father never could have beaten his alcoholism without it. It gives hope to people in difficult positions such as prison and war. I am just against how they can use the Bible to justify their own bigotry. You have to be very brave to face this dangerous and immoral world without something to hold on to.

Some religious people say that even though they have the correct religion, God will recognize all good people and they will also be in Heaven. If that is true, why follow a religion at all? Just be good.

The Bible was not meant to be holy at first. It started out as a collection of literature (fiction and non-fiction), history, and the laws of a savage, nomadic collection of tribes. Later, first the Jews made it into a venerated, holy object and then all the various versions of the Christian faith followed suit. Even the Muslims consider it a holly book.

The Bible isn't a history book in the modern sense. For the most part, the authors who wrote the books in the Bible didn't date anything, and they seldom took credit for their own work but used the name of a famous prophet to give their work more credence. The authors also mixed fiction and fact. I think that some of the authors of the Bible would be shocked if they knew that their little stories would someday be thought to come from God.

Many of the names and histories were thought to have been telescoped in time. An example Isaac Asimov gave in his book "Asimov's Guide to the Bible," "George Washington crossed the Atlantic Ocean in the Mayflower, discovered America, conquered Mexico, built Washington, DC, and became the first President of the United States."

As very few people could write, most of the stories were passed down by oral tradition and later put down by temple scribes. Some stories were first written as fiction and then, with time, accepted as fact. Religion was more important than facts, and the stories were written to support religious views.

Even today in our Sunday schools, many of the Biblical stories are "cleaned up" for modern tastes. They never mention all the inconsistencies, vulgarities, translation errors, forgeries, questionable morality, errors, contradictions, debauchery, mass murders, child abuse, abuse of women, slavery, genocide, false prophecies, and impossibilities, For example, we don't teach our kids that King David was an adulterer, murderer, and traitor.

I don't see how any sane person who has read it could call it a "Good Book." If Intelligent Design, a.k.a. Creation Science, is to be taught in school science classes, then talking donkeys and snakes, unicorns, dragons, and cherubim should be taught in biology.

The early Israelites were a loose confederation of nomadic, Semitic, barbarian tribes. The number twelve came from the signs of the zodiac and the twelve moon cycles, but we don't know how many tribes there really were with some being wiped out and others forming. They fought against each other and against the neighboring tribes (like we still do today). The Israelites were not even Hebrew, but borrowed the language from their neighbors whom they conquered, murdered, enslaved, and engaged in intermarriage with.

They eventually jelled together briefly into two countries under the rule of first Saul, then David, and after him, his son Solomon. After Solomon, they split into the Southern Kingdom of Judah, and the Northern Kingdom of Israel. The Northern Kingdom was eventually conquered by the Assyrians and disappeared through assimilation. That is why they are called Jews (Judah) today, rather than Israelites. The country of Israel today should have been called "Judah." Archeologists have determined that the Israelite civilization only lasted a few hundred years and that their story in the Old Testament (OT) is highly exaggerated.

Many Christians think that the OT is not relevant anymore because the New Testament (NT) superseded it. Wrong! The NT is based upon the OT, especially the Gospel of Matthew. Matthew quotes many passages in the OT that are supposed to prove that Jesus is the Messiah. The quotes are a bit of a stretch as you'll find out reading this book, but that's beside the point. Jesus is also supposed to have said that he did not come to supersede the OT but to fulfill it. He can't fulfill it unless it is recognized as the word of God.

If Jesus has always been from the beginning of time as he says, why isn't the Trinity in the OT? What is the Holy Spirit? If he is part of the God thing, why isn't he in the OT also? Is God a being or a committee of three and are they equal? Is JC a real son or a being made by the Father God? Why isn't a mother god mentioned? Does God have any other children? Inquiring minds want to know.

It is astounding that a book so flawed could have changed the world so much. Even the Muslim religion is based on the OT. I would say that Christianity based on the Bible is the worst thing that ever happened to the human race except for the fact that if we didn't have it, something even worse might have taken its place.

This book is not anti-religion, although I wrote it from a secular viewpoint. Religion is too ingrained in the human existence for me to try to refute it. I believe the tendency to believe in the supernatural is "hard-wired" in our brains. Our most important Founding Fathers were Deist, not Christians. They believed in a god but not a personal god who you could talk to and ask for favors.

The reason for this book is simply to show and prove that the Bible was not written by God and it couldn't be because of all the reasons I have already mentioned. The Bible itself is the best proof that it is so flawed that it could not be the product of a perfect, omnipotent, benevolent god.

The Bible is a very interesting book to read, whether or not you believe in it as a religious document. I hope you enjoy my versions. — _Sam Warren_

### About the Author

Sam Warren started his writing and publishing career in the '60s when as an Army sergeant he was attached to the Defense Intelligence Agency and assigned to the American Embassy in Moscow in the middle of the cold war. His first experience as a writer was as a part-time editor of the embassy newsletter, "This Week in Moscow." He also wrote articles for his hometown newspaper.

After leaving the service in 1970, he attended Orange Coast College and later started a publishing company that published a number of tabloids including a community newspaper "The Santa Ana Journal," a military paper "The West Coast Military News" and a Spanish language community tabloid, "El Hispano." He also published Orange County's first gay newspaper and was the founder of the Orange County Gay and Lesbian Community Center.

After selling his business in 1980, he moved to San Diego where he was editor of the "Uptown San Diego Examiner" and published the short lived "Border Business Journal." His column, "The Baja Beat," was published in six community tabloids.

He wrote and published a number of books, including travel guides, "Having Fun in Tijuana," "Baja by Night," "Sin Diego," and a humor book, "The Priest, the Pastor, and the Rabbi."

In 2000, he was arrested on trumped up charges at his bed and breakfast in Playas de Tijuana. The corrupt Mexican police stole everything he owned and he spent over three years in Baja prisons. In 2003, an honest lawyer was able to have all the charges dropped. His book, "Tales from the Tijuana Jails," was written about his experiences in three Baja California prisons and the people he met inside.

In addition to book publishing for clients, he is the past-president of the San Diego Writers/Editors Guild and publishes a webzine for the San Diego writers at www.SDWriteWay.org and a volunteer with the www.EastCountyMagazine.org.
