- Joe Biden has surged to a huge lead
in the Democratic Party
and in second place is Bernie Sanders.
Over the past few weeks,
Warren has shot to the top of the polls,
the rise of Pete Buttigieg
and New Hampshire has
an outbreak of Klomydia.
(upbeat country music)
Here's something you only
hear every four years,
everyone is talking about Iowa.
(audience laughing)
Yeah,
because last night was
the Iowa caucuses, right?
The first vote of the
Democratic primary campaign
and normally we would
know by now who'd won,
in fact, normally we would
have known last night,
but this year, Democrats
decided to use a new app
to help count the votes and
it has not gone as planned.
(audience laughing)
- The only results from the Iowa caucus
at this hour are chaos and confusion,
- Chaos, confusion, meltdown,
pick your adjective to
describe Iowa caucuses.
- What a mess, this is not the finish
that anyone expected.
- It certainly was a mess and some here
are calling it a disaster.
- Organizers in the state site,
a domino effect of problems for the delay,
several issues with a new app
where results were to be inputted.
- They had a really crummy app
that screwed up the entire thing.
- Right now, no idea when we
are going to know the results.
- So everyone really is just waiting
for these official results.
- So we wait and at the
moment, we have nothing.
(audience laughing)
- So because of this app,
the whole night was thrown
into utter chaos, nobody
knew what the problem was,
nobody knew who won and
eventually the candidates
got tired of waiting
and they came out to try
and spin the non-results
in the best way they could,
"Oh, we're happy, things are great,
"this is gonna be good for us."
But one candidate in particular
took that to the next level.
- So we're still waiting for any results
from last night's Iowa
Democratic caucuses,
but that hasn't stopped candidates
from spinning the non-existent results.
For mayor of South Bend Pete Buttigieg
declared victory overnight.
- We know by the time
it's all said and done,
Iowa, you have shocked the nation.
By all indications,
we are going on to New
Hampshire victorious.
(audience cheering)
(audience laughing)
- Okay Pete, you just gonna
come out and claim victory,
even though no results
were in at that point.
That's a pretty bold move.
I mean, maybe that's just his
thing, maybe Pete does that.
Anytime anything's
ambiguous, no one knows,
he just jumps in.
You know like, "Now, nobody
knows who built Stonehenge."
He's like, "Oh, it was me, I did it."
Only about three quarters
of the ballots are in.
So we still don't know who officially won.
But as it stands, it's a close
race between Bernie Sanders,
the world's youngest old man
(audience laughing)
and Pete Buttigieg,
the world's oldest young man.
(audience laughing)
But regardless of how it ends,
no one is around to give a victory speech
because the candidates
have already moved on.
- For some reason in Iowa,
they're having a little bit
of trouble counting votes.
But I am confident that
here in New Hampshire,
I know they'll be able to count your votes
on election night.
(audience cheering)
- Man this is what I love
about Bernie Sanders,
he does not give a damn.
(audience laughing)
Because he spent a year sucking up to Iowa
and then five minutes after he's left,
he's already roasting their ass.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, he's just like,
"I want to talk about
the 99% of people in Iowa
"who have no idea what the
(bleep) they're doing."
I hope Bernie does this for every state.
As soon as he's on to the next primary,
he's in Nevada next week like,
"Great to be out of New
Hampshire or as I call it,
"dirty Massachusetts."
(audience laughing)
(upbeat country music)
Coming out of the Iowa primary,
the big winners were Bernie Sanders,
Pete Buttigieg and anyone who
didn't build that shitty app.
And last night in New Hampshire,
those top two kept the momentum going.
- [Reporter] With a win in New Hampshire,
Senator Bernie Sanders
taking control as the
democratic front runner,
but not too far behind
him, Pete Buttigieg.
Despite winning the
popular vote in both Iowa
and New Hampshire,
Sanders is behind in the
overall delegate race by two.
- [Reporter] One of the
night's other big winners,
Senator Amy Klobuchar,
who took third place.
She capitalized on the moment
by reintroducing herself
to the country.
- Hello America, I'm Amy Klobuchar
and I will beat Donald Trump.
- Yes, last night may
have been the best night
for Bernie Sanders since
he won that free cruise
on Noah's Ark but...
(audience laughing)
New Hampshire's biggest
surprise was Amy Klobuchar,
who burst into the national spotlight
with a third place finish and
the timing couldn't be better
for Klobuchar because in many ways,
you see the presidential
campaigns are like getting drunk
at a party, right?
You want to peak at the right time.
See the other candidates they
had their surge last year,
which was too early, it's
like getting wasted at 6pm.
(audience laughing)
Because by the time the party
is really going you puking
in the bushes.
(mimicking puking)
"I'm so sorry, I didn't pace myself,
"I promise I'll do better
in South Carolina."
(audience laughing)
So there's no denying that
New Hampshire was great
for Amy Klobuchar campaign
and it was also a great night
for news people who love wordplay.
- Senator Amy Klobuchar
rode the Klomentum.
- Are you feeling Klomentum.
- Klomentum is real and she has it.
- A Klobu-surge.
- [Reporter] Klomentum.
- Klomentum.
- Klomentum, Klobu-charged, Klobu-surge.
- They call it Klo-motion.
- Is there Klomentum.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, this fun, I wanna try.
It's Klobbering time.
Yeah, she gave them the old Klope-a-dope.
Yeah, New Hampshire has
an outbreak of Klomydia.
(audience laughing and applauding)
All right, I'm done.
She killed it like Klo J. Simpson.
Okay, I'm done, no more.
(audience shouting)
(audience laughing)
So for Bernie, Buttigieg and Klobuchar,
New Hampshire was a dream,
but unfortunately for some
other big name candidates,
it turned into a nightmare.
- [Reporter] Another major
New Hampshire headline,
the candidates who fell far behind,
including longtime national
front runner Joe Biden
and Senator Elizabeth Warren
both failed to get enough votes
to earn any delegates.
Before the race was called Biden,
who placed fifth was on a
plane to South Carolina,
which will hold the nation's next primary.
- [Reporter] Biden saw
the writing on the wall,
he had left even before
the polls had closed,
live streaming into his campaigns
New Hampshire watch party.
- Oh, Joe Biden left New Hampshire
before the polls were even closed.
I mean, I've heard of fans
leaving the game early,
but you know, it's bad
when the team leaves early
(audience laughing)
to beat the traffic.
The coach is just like, "All right guys,
"screw the fourth quarter,
let's just start the bus."
(audience laughing)
- The race is getting smaller
as of last night's results,
we did see the suspension or termination
of presidential campaigns by Andrew Yang
and Senator Michael Bennett
- Tonight is not going to be our night,
but let me say this to New Hampshire.
You may see me once again.
- You know, I am the math
guy and it is clear tonight
from the numbers that we are
not going to win this race.
(audience laughing)
We'll be back soon, in the
meantime though, thank you all,
God bless you and God bless
the United States of America.
- I'm not gonna lie I don't
get why candidates always say
they'll be back when they know they won't.
No, I know they don't
want to seem like a loser,
but why not just be honest,
why not just be like,
"New Hampshire you guys are
never gonna see me ever again."
Like it's the same problem
with movie villains,
even when they're falling off a cliff
or building at the end,
they're like, "I'll be back."
No you won't, like it would
be nice if they were honest,
just like, "You and your
family are safe forever."
(audience laughing)
(upbeat country music)
This weekend, Las Vegas saw
two of the craziest knockouts
of all time, Wilder versus fury,
and Bernie versus everyone.
- [Reporter] This
morning feeling the burn,
Bernie Sanders dominating in Nevada.
Sanders not only taking the Silver state,
but besting his rivals among
Latinos winning both men
and women, college and
non-college graduates
and even scoring votes from moderates.
(audience cheering)
I am a US senator and I got a big ego
and I appreciate the Bernie,
but it ain't Bernie, it is us.
(audience cheering)
- Damn, Bernie is really
committed to socialism, right?
(audience laughing)
Even when the crowd is
tryna cheer for him,
he wants to share it back with them.
I wonder if he's always like this,
like on his birthday, are they
like, "Happy Birthday to..."
He's like, "No, to you,
Happy birthday to you."
"Happy, but no to all of us,
it's all of our birthday.
"In fact, you should make a wish,
"my wish already came true, I got socks."
(audience laughing)
But yes, Bernie Sanders won big in Vegas
and I'm not surprised.
If anyone needs free college
and free health care,
it's a city full of people
who lost all their money
playing slots.
(audience laughing)
And Bernie won big with all
the big Nevada demographics,
that's what made this so impressive.
Young people, old people white, Latino,
blue, bent, feathered, everybody,
which bolstered his
electability arguments.
But there's still one sizable demographic
that Bernie hasn't won over
and it's the other Democrats in the race.
- [Reporter] With the rise of Sanders,
his opponents are
beginning to take 'em on.
Senator Sanders believes in an inflexible
ideological revolution that
leaves out most democrats,
not to mention most Americans.
Some believe that the
way to beat Donald Trump
is to be just as polarizing.
- Biden with Casey hunt,
dismissing Sanders efforts
to tie himself to former President Obama.
- The way he talks about it,
you'd think he and
Barack were close buddies
- And you think they were not.
- I know they were not.
- Ooh
(mimicking cat)
(audience shouting)
"I know they were not."
It's a little weird that
the Democratic primary
has become a fight about who
is actually friends with Obama.
'Cause Have you noticed
everyone is dropping his name?
He's in all of their ads,
but he's been silent this entire campaign.
It's almost like Obama
is the imaginary friend
all the democrats have, just like,
"I saw Obama today and he told
me I'm the bestest candidate,
"and that I should be president,
"but nobody else saw him 'cause he hides
"when the grown ups come."
(audience laughing and applauding)
After the Nevada caucus,
the Democratic nomination
picture is becoming clearer.
Warren and Klobuchar need a
miracle to get back in the race,
Biden and Buttigieg are
fighting desperately
to be the moderate alternative.
And as it stands, Bernie
seems to be on a clear path
to winning the most delegates
and I can tell you now,
when he wins them, Bernie
ain't sharing shit.
"It's not us, it's me."
(upbeat country music)
This Saturday was the
South Carolina primary
where Biden desperately needed a victory
and boy did he get it.
- [Reporter] Biden's big win,
Joe Biden gets the
landslide victory he needed
in South Carolina.
- [Reporter] Joe Biden
trounced Bernie Sanders
in that race to give his
campaign more momentum
going into Super Tuesday.
- [Reporter] Biden and Sanders are really
neck and neck and several of these states.
- Just days ago, the press and pundits
declared my candidacy dead.
Now, thanks to the heart
of the Democratic Party
in South Carolina, I'm very much alive.
(audience cheering)
- Yes, Joe Biden is very much alive,
which isn't something
candidates usually need
to remind people,
(audience laughing)
but that's still okay, it's
a great campaign slogan.
Take it man, just take it.
(audience laughing and applauding)
But yes, thanks to the
overwhelming support
of black voters, Biden
isn't just in the race,
he's back to being the favorite,
which is an amazing turnaround.
But that's black people for you man,
black people can make
anything popular again.
Like think about it, before black people,
Biden was losing and
then black people came in
and now he's back on top.
Before black people,
everyone was focused on boobs
and then black people came
in like, "How about butts?"
(audience laughing)
And then everyone was like,
"Oh yeah, butts, yeah."
Now Joe Biden's win in South
Carolina was so commanding,
that didn't just put
him ahead in the polls,
it got three other candidates
to drop out of the race.
- The moderate wing of this
party seems to be moving
at a pretty quick pace right
to all unite around Joe Biden.
- Amy Klobuchar announcing
today she will drop out along
with Pete Buttigieg and Tom
Steyer over the weekend.
Both Buttigieg and
Klobuchar are now expected
to endorse former Vice
President Joe Biden.
- Yeah, that's right, first
Tom Steyer dropped out,
then Pete Buttigieg ended his historic run
as the first openly robot candidate.
(audience laughing)
And we all know that once
a gay guy sets a trend,
white women aren't gonna be far behind.
So then Klobuchar dropped out too.
(audience laughing and cheering)
So if you're Joe Biden,
these past few days are some
of the best of your life.
Think about it, for Biden, he's
made the ultimate comeback.
Your opponents aren't just dropping out,
they're also endorsing
you and to top it all off,
Joe Bitens are now the number
two dentures on Amazon.
Yeah, right behind the Donald Chomps,
best in the United States.
(upbeat country music)
Super Tuesday is super important
because whichever nominee
comes out on top tonight
gets a big boost in the race
for the Democratic nomination.
And you also get all the
losing candidate's lunch money.
So let's kick it off
with a few of the results
that we already know, right?
Vermont was easily won by the
original founder of the state,
Bernie Sanders.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering and applauding)
Already off to win and
we know that Colorado
has also gone his way, but
it's looking like tonight
is all about Joe Biden, because
black voters just put him
over the top all across the south.
In Virginia, he won by 30%
and he's also been declared the winner
in North Carolina and in Alabama.
So right now, black people
are embracing Biden so hard,
I wouldn't be surprised if he rolls up
to his next debate speech just like,
"Wakanda for... you know the thing."
As it stands, it looks
like the Super Tuesday
is a lot more dramatic than
previously anticipated.
Because remember a few weeks ago,
people were saying that Bernie
was gonna clean up, right?
But then after Biden
dominated South Carolina,
he was neck and neck with Bernie
and what's propelled him even further
was getting help from a few new friends.
- [Reporter] Former Vice
President Joe Biden is riding
into Super Tuesday on a
fresh wave of support,
three of his former rivals Pete Buttigieg,
Amy Klobuchar and Beto
O'Rourke made last-minute
endorsements before
today's critical votes.
At a dueling rally, Senator
Bernie Sanders spoke
in Minnesota, Senator
Klobuchar's home state
where he extended an olive branch.
- To all of Amy and Pete's
millions of supporters,
the door is open, come on in!
(audience cheering)
- "The door is open, but
close it after you walk in,
"air conditioning isn't
cheap, come on quickly."
(audience laughing)
But yes, last night was big for Joe Biden
because he got all the
endorsements of his former rivals.
Yeah, Buttigieg came out
to say Joe is the only one
who could unite the party.
Klobuchar came out to say
that Joe is the best choice
for moderates and Beto O'Rourke came out
to remind people he still exists.
(audience laughing)
"I was the guy who dropped the F bombs."
So you don't have to be a genius,
you don't have to be a genius to notice
that the Democratic Party
right now is at a crossroads.
On one side, you've got
Bernie's revolution.
On the other side, Biden's
return to normalcy.
(audience laughing)
Going into Super Tuesday,
the democratic field
had been narrowed down
to four main candidates,
which is a long way
from the original 6000.
(audience laughing)
And as the dust began to
settle, it became clear
there were two winners and two losers.
Elizabeth Warren, one
of the night's losers,
you see she failed to
pick up a single state
and to add insult to
injury in her home state
of Massachusetts, she came in third.
Yeah, which is pretty rough.
It's like if you came
home to find your parents
have replaced you with another child,
just be like, "Sorry
honey, we'd like Joe Biden
"to be our daughter now."
(audience laughing)
But she wasn't the only one
with a disappointing evening.
Yeah, another candidates
who hit a low point
was Mike Bloomberg, former New York Mayor
and best person to sit behind at a concert
(audience laughing)
because after spending
the GDP of a small country
on his campaign, his
quest for the nomination
ended in failure.
- We come in with this Fox News alert,
Super Tuesday made for a super shake up.
Democrat Mike Bloomberg
today dropped out of the race
after his dismal showing last night.
- [Reporter] Yesterday was
a disaster for Bloomberg.
He spent more than $500 million
and won only a few dozen delegates.
Last night campaigning in Florida,
Bloomberg tried to sound upbeat.
- No matter how many
delegates we win tonight,
we have done something no one
else thought was possible.
- "That's right, we spent
half a billion dollars
"to absolutely eat shit.
(audience laughing and applauding)
"They said it couldn't
be done, but we did it."
Now, the reason Bloomberg
is dropping out now
after just one bad night,
is that you must remember,
he entered the race to be
the moderate alternative
to Bernie Sanders, but last night,
the voters were very clear
that they already know
who they want their
moderate candidate to be.
- [Reporter] The night
belonged to Joe Biden.
- They don't call Super
Tuesday for nothing.
(audience cheering)
- [Reporter] The former vice president
with a massive comeback
on the biggest Night
of the primary so far.
- [Reporter] A fired up
Joe Biden celebrating
his historic night,
racking up a string of
commanding victories,
including a clean sweep
of states in the south
and just stunning win delegate-rich Texas.
- The press and the pundits
had declared the campaign dead!
Tell that to the folks of Virginia!
(audience cheering)
North Carolina!
(audience cheering)
Alabama!
(audience cheering)
Tennessee!
(audience cheering)
Oklahoma!
(audience cheering)
Arkansas!
(audience cheering)
Minnesota!
(audience cheering)
- 'Ey!
(audience laughing)
That's a Joe Biden we
haven't seen in a while,
look at him smiling, full of energy,
naming states that actually exist.
(audience laughing)
No 'cause let's be honest,
we were all waiting for
him to give a shout out
to pensyl-chusetts.
I'm serious, I don't think
I've seen Biden this happy
since that time Obama taught
him how to ride a bike.
This has been a while, I mean...
(audience laughing)
And of course, no Joe Biden
speech would be complete
without a few moments
where the WiFi dropped out.
(audience cheering)
- It's a good night and it
seems to be getting even better.
By the way, this is my
little sister Valerie
and I'm Jill's husband.
Oh no, this is my, no you switched on me.
This is my wife, this my
sister, they switched on me.
(audience laughing and applauding)
- Oh Joe, really?
Joe Biden called his sister, his wife.
That's an awkward mistake
and if you are gonna talk
about your sister wife, you
should have done it sooner
because then you could have won Utah.
(audience laughing and applauding)
Yeah, now the sister wife
thing was just a silly gaffe
that didn't derail the night.
What did cause a bit of concern was
when two protesters stormed the stage.
- [Reporter] During Biden's speech,
protester's rushing the stage.
You see it, they're coming within feet
of the former Vice President
and Dr. Jill Biden, his wife.
One woman was swiftly removed
by the former vice president's
body man, then moments
later, see it again.
A second protester storming onto the stage
- [Reporter] Simone
Sanders, his Senior Advisor,
she just comes out of
nowhere, flies on stage
and rips one of the protesters off.
- [Reporter] Dr. Jill Biden
protecting her husband
by shoving off a protester
that was storming the stage.
Her response, "I'm a silly girl."
- Yo, that Jill Biden,
see that, stepped in
and blocked that protester
like a white lady Jackie Chan.
Bam!
(audience laughing)
I mean, I knew she was a doctor,
I just didn't know her
PhD was in ass whipping,
that was amazing.
And it wasn't just Biden's wife.
Yeah, his Senior Campaign
Advisor, Simone Sanders.
Did you see that, she
handled that protester
like a professional bodyguard,
hell Biden's got more women
protecting him than T'challah,
like he's just killing it out here.
No wonder he's winning the black vote.
(audience laughing and applauding)
So overall, it was a good night for Biden,
but don't forget, this
contest is far from over.
Because this race is all about
winning delegates, right?
Not just states, but delegates
and even with his good night
last night Biden is still
basically neck and neck
with Bernie in the delegate counts.
And up until this point, these
two have been super friendly
on the campaign trail, laughing,
hugging at the debates,
but something tells me
those days might be over.
- [Reporter] This morning,
it's now a two man race.
Vermont Senator Bernie
Sanders is already sharpening
his attacks against Biden.
- One of us in this
race led the opposition
to the war in Iraq, you're looking at him!
(audience cheering)
Another candidate voted
for the war in Iraq.
(audience jeering)
One of us has spent his entire
life fighting against cuts
in Social Security, exploiting
to expand Social Security.
(audience cheering)
Another candidate has been
on the floor of the Senate
calling for cuts to
Social Security, Medicare,
Medicaid and veterans' program.
(audience jeering)
- "That's right, one of us is a bitch ass,
"the other person is me.
(audience laughing and cheering)
"You know who I'm talking
about, spread the word."
(audience applauding)
Yeah, people you can see the
gloves are officially off.
The dentures are in.
(audience laughing)
And things are about to get
messy between these two.
Not just because there's
Vicks Vapor Rub everywhere,
no because this is the
homestretch to find out
who will be the Democratic nominee.
And Bernie, if you're
going to attack Joe Biden,
I wish you the best of luck,
but remember not to get too close,
because then you'll
have to deal with Jill.
After Super Tuesday,
voters basically decided
the race should be between
Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders.
So Michael Bloomberg promptly dropped out.
And now in the wise words of
the philosopher DJ Khaled,
"Another one."
- We begin with today's
big breaking 2020 News.
Senator Elizabeth Warren is dropping out.
- Warren speaking out on her decision
to suspend her campaign.
- Gender in this race, you
know that is the trap question
for every woman.
- If you say yeah, there
was sexism in this race,
everyone says, "Whiner."
And if you say no, there was no sexism,
about a bazillion women think
what planet do you live on?
I promise you this, I'll
have a lot more to say
on that subject later on.
- Damn, Elizabeth Warren has a good point.
Yeah, because like it or not,
that was some truth
that she dropped there.
A woman addressing sexism or ignoring it
while running for president
is either gonna be seen
as a whiner or living on another planet,
which is unfair, especially
since the President
is already a whiner who
lives on another planet.
(audience laughing)
And whether you think
sexism played a role or not,
you have to admit, it's
pretty strange that a race
that started with a broad
tapestry of candidates
is now basically down
to two old white men.
Yeah, they're so old that no
matter which one of them wins,
Donald Trump will be the
youngest person in the race,
(audience laughing)
think about that.
(upbeat country music)
Yesterday, Democrats in six
states went to the polls
to cast their votes and
get some coronavirus.
And after a strong
showing on Super Tuesday,
Biden picked up right where he left off.
- [Reporter] Former
Vice President Joe Biden
expanded his lead in the
Democratic presidential race,
Biden won in at least
four of the six states
which voted yesterday,
he took the battleground
State of Michigan by double digits.
Biden now leads the race by 150 delegates,
which significantly
narrows any path to victory
for Senator Bernie Sanders.
- Looking at the math tonight,
I think it's almost
certain that Bernie Sanders
does not have a mathematical path
to becoming The Democratic nominee.
- Let's shut this puppy
down and let's move on
and worry about November.
This thing is decided, there's
no reason to keep it going,
but not even a day longer.
- Okay, that talking
raisin needs to come down.
(audience laughing)
Yes, Joe Biden had a great night,
that doesn't mean you have
to shut the primary down immediately.
It's the presidential race,
not a kissing booth in the
Woohan Province, all right?
(audience laughing)
Because look, it is true that
because of last night's results,
there have already been
calls for Bernie Sanders
to step aside and let the
slightly younger generation
take over, but let me tell you something.
If you think a little turbulence
is gonna shake Bernie
Sanders out of the race,
you need to think again,
- Senator Bernie Sanders
earlier today making clear
he has no plans to drop out
of the Democratic presidential contest
- On Sunday, I very much
look forward to the debate
in Arizona, with my friend, Joe Biden.
And let me be very frank
as to the questions
that I will be asking Joe.
Joe, what are you gonna do about the fact
that we have the highest
rate of childhood poverty?
What are you gonna do to
end the terror that millions
of undocumented people
experience right now?
What are you gonna do to end the absurdity
of billionaires buying elections?
Joe, what are you gonna do?
- "What are you going to
do when they come for you?"
(audience laughing)
Bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do?
What are you gonna do
when they come for you?
(audience applauding)
(babbling)
(audience laughing)
So yeah for now, Bernie
Sanders is not dropping out
of the race and what was
interesting is some people
were worried that the only
reason Bernie was staying
was to burn the party to the ground.
But after today's speech,
it seems like Bernie wants to push Biden
to a more progressive platform.
And I actually think it's
really nice of Bernie
that he's giving Biden
the questions beforehand.
(audience laughing)
He could have made a surprise,
but now he's like one of
those cool teachers in school
that tells you what's
gonna be on the test.
(audience laughing)
And you think they're being nice,
but they just don't
wanna see your ass again
if you get held back,
that's why they're doing it.
"I need you to pass, okay?"
(audience laughing)
(upbeat Hip Hop music)
