♫ A Majestic, Mountainous Theme ♫
EMRE: Now you're playing, um, Fun Tits...
AARON: No, it's pronounced Fün Tits.
EMRE: Fün Tits..?
AARON: She's a, She's a Nord.
Comes from a long line of, uhh, Tits. They named her Fün after her great grandmother...
It's not a crass, rude name.
EMRE: Not in the Nord language.
AARON: No. It has a--It has a long history.
EMRE: Okay...
BJORLAM: WHERE DOO YAH WHAT TO GO??
AARON: I need to go to Windhelm, Bjorlam!
BJORLAM: Climb on back and we'll be off...
AARON: Take off my pants?
BJORLAM: Ever been to Windhelm?
AARON: No...
BJORLAM: Oldest city in Skyrim-- [murmur murmur]
AARON: W-What? [Bjorlam goes on and on about nothing in particular until...] Uh, h-huh...hey! Wha...
♫
AARON: In this episode of Skyrim For Pimps, I am on a quest for a horse.
EMRE: The bestest, pimpest, dopest horse of all.
AARON: YES.
EMRE: You're talking about Shadowmere. He was the fastest in Oblivion, in this game he can run the longest.
He's also got ridiculous hit points and regeneration.
RANDOM SLEEZE: Perhaps one day we can get to know each other better?
AARON: Get to know each other better?!
What are you suggesting, Sir?!
EMRE: Dude, he's just being pleasant.
[CHA-CHING of a Sword Unsheathed] RANDOM SLEEZE: Don't set anything on fire, alright?!
AARON: Alright...I'll let you go this time.
I don't take no sexual harassment, bitch.
EMRE: I keep forgetting you're a woman.
AARON: YEAH. Check me out.
Just so you can see what I look like...
EMRE: Mmmm. Yeah. I can see that. That is...nice. You got your Fün Tits from your grandma, I heard.
AARON: Yes. The name.
EMRE [squirming inside his seat and himself]: This is awkward, Aaron...
AARON: For you?
SEXUAL HARASSMENT ELF: I see why dah Nords like Skyrim!
AARON: Goddamnit, you!
EMRE: This guy won't leave you alone!
AARON: He's harassing me again!
AARON: Alright. Let's head inside, shall we?
♫
AARON: You're gross.
SILDA THE UNSEEN: It's so good to see you again!
AARON: You look disgusting.
[AARON and EMRE laugh as SILDA flees to lament] Yeah! Finally drove her away!
[Distant Chanting] Sweet Mother, Sweet Mother!
AARON: There's something fucked up going on in here.
[Chanting Continues]
AARON: Oooh, shit...Well, you can tell by the way these candles are arranged that this is...
*A MAJOR FIRE HAZARD*! Get those things away from the wall, you idiot!
[Creepy Child, AVENTUS ARETINO, begins to cry]
AARON: 'A Kiss, Sweet Mother' by Herman Melville.
Candles, rituals and--WHOA! Okay, this book is three pages long.
It's more of a fucking pamphlet.
AVENTUS [crying]: I'm very tired!!
AARON [with no love for children]: Shut up!
Gimme this fucking...human flesh.
EMRE: Eww...
AARON: Human heart..
[More Babbling from the Gothic Brat, AVENTUS]
AVENTUS: You've come at last! I knew you would!!
AARON: You are crazy. I'm not even gonna talk to you.
AVENTUS: You don't have to say anything. There's no need.
AARON: No. That there isn't.
AVENTUS [blithering on and on]: I ran away, came home and formed the black--
AARON [disinterested]: FASCINATING. Hey, do you have any beer?
AVENTUS: To be honest, I'm kind of lonely here--
AARON: Oh, yeah?
AVENTUS: As much as I hated--
AARON: Well, here. I got some friends you could hang out with--
[CHA-CHING of a Sword Unsheathed]
[AARON and EMRE find joy in terrorizing children] Y-Yeaaaah! That's what I thought!
AARON: Ah, goat cheese wheel. Yeaaah. I'm gonna eat the whole fucking thing.
EMRE: NO!
AARON: Just because I'm going on a trip now and I'm not gonna want to go to the bathroom for a few weeks.
AARON: Let's see where I'm going...
EMRE: Riften!
AARON: Ohh, Riften.
EMRE: Bjorlam can take you to Riften!
AARON: I wonder if I should talk to this guy.
GUARD: Best offense is a good defense. Am I right?
AARON: What are you a fucking football analyst?!
EMRE: [giggle giggle]
AARON: That you used to be until you took an arrow to your dick, right?
Okay...
WEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeee!!
AARON: Oh, man. Oh. God. I suddenly feel sick...Uhhghh...
[A great and mighty shout of FUS RO!!]
O-Oh! Okay. Now I feel better.
AARON: Alright--ALFARINN?! What happened to Pejorative?!
ALFARRIN: Where do ya want to go?
AARON: Take me to Riften!
ALFARRIN: Climb on back and we'll be off.
AARON: Okay...
You got any cushions back here? Some coffee?
[ALFARRIN mumbles on about Riften, the Black Briar Meadery and--]
♫
HOFGRIR HORSE-CRUSHER: You've found the right place.
AARON: Excuse me?...Holy shit! Do you crush horses?
Dude! I wanna hang out with you!
[HOFGRIR isn't willing to commit]
AARON: Hey! What the fuck?!
[Mysterious Roaring]
AARON: Oh, my God! I think he just crushed a horse!
AARON: It's Ice Nibbler!
EMRE [as Bob Peck from Jurassic Park]: SHOOT HERRRR!
AARON: Hey! Come back here. Come back here and land on the ground, where I can stab you in the head.
EMRE: Ice Nibbler...?
AARON: Yeah. He's got really bad teeth because he nibbles ice all the time.
AARON: Yeah, you like that?! Oooohh, ahhhow! Stop it! I can't see...
EMRE: Blinded by the ice.
AARON: Wrapped up like a *douche*.
Another dragon in the night?
AARON: Hey, man! What's happenin'? Hey! Ahaaa--I love you! Ooohh, I don't wanna fight!
I just want to stab your head!
OOooh, shit. Another dead dragon.
AARON: Weeeell. Nothing to be done except absorb your soul, I suppose.
AARON [moaning in orgasmic glee]: Ohhh, oh! OOoOOoH! OkAaay! O-Oh, yeah!
[SOULFUL CLIMAX]
Mnn. Dragon soul. Better than sex.
AARON: Hey, man. What's happenin'?
KHARJO: Bandits harass the caravans at every step.
AARON: No way!
KHARJO: But, Khajiit usually scare them off--
AARON: Are you shitting me, Kharjo?
KHARJO: A few days ago, we were ambushed.
AARON: You're *shitting me*, right?
KHARJO: May the road lead you to warm sands.
AARON: W-What the *FUCK* is happening??
EMRE: WHOA!
AARON: Okay, is that dragon *dead* or...? [laughing]
EMRE: I think it used to be.
AARON [baffled laughter]: What the Hell is going on?
VERY CONFUSED GUARD: Before I let yew into Riften--
AARON: Uhhh, okay, dude. You've been standing here too long. A tree has grown through your body.
GUARD: Do you want everyone to hear you?!...[awkward, near 'South of the Border' accent] I'll let you in...
AARON [mockingly]: Thank yew, Ren from 'Ren & Stimpy'.
ZAYNOBI: Welcome to you, fellow traveler!
AARON: Aw, thanks. That's very kind of you.
[DRAMATIC UNSHEATHING]
ZAYNOBI: Fire is not a thing to be played with!!
AARON [suggestively]: What should I play with, *Zaynobi*...?
ZAYNOBI: HMM?!
AARON: Yeaah. You heard me.
♫
GRELOD THE  ̶B̶I̶T̶C̶H̶  KIND: You will always be here! Until the day you come of age and get thrown out--
GRELOD [continuing to berate the orphans]: Into that WIDE, HOoorrible WORLD!
AARON: Ah. She's not very nice.
GRELOD: Now, what do you all say?!
ORPHANS [in lackluster unison]: We love you, Grelod...
AARON [joining in, just as poorly]: I luv yew Grelod...
I, I love...love youuu...so much...
GRELOD: What are *you* staring at?! You worthless piece of gutter trash!
AARON: OOOHhh...I'm a piece of gutter trash, am I? Looks like y-you're the gutter, then.
And, I'm going to deposit myself in you.
AARON [awkwardly laughing]: Th-That just came out all wrong!
EMRE: I think if you're going to be a professional assassin, you need to work on your...uhh, one-liners there...
AARON: Yeeah, I think you're right.
AARON: WAKE UP!
GRELOD: Trying to *FRIGHTEN* me, hmnnnn????
AARON: Nooo, I'm not trying to frighten you. I just want to have a normal conversation.
Okay. Let's talk.
Ready?
*I* will talk first.
[The Death Rattling Screech of a Dying OId Bitch]
Okay. Now, it's your turn!
She's had enough of our conversation, apparently...
SAMUEL, SOON TO BE A GROWN SADIST: Grelod the Kind is dead at last! We're saved!
[Orphans continue to celebrate the demise of their wrinkled and wretched foe]
[CHA-CHING, CHA-CHING]
AARON: Let's take a little reading break.  [suddenly deficient] 'DAh BEAr oF MARKaarTH DAHCREMs oHf STumCLUK', Daaaaghh??
AARON [normal]: Do you like my reading voice?
EMRE: No.
AARON: A lot of people tell me I have a good reading voice.
SIGNAAR: Need a ride?
AARON: His name is Cigar.
Hey, man. Can I have a puff? Of *you*? Eheh. Right?
SIGNAAR [unaffected]: Where do you want to go?
AARON: Eehh, just wanna smoke...
♫
EMRE: Oooohh,  what the fuck is that?
AARON: I think it's a back massager.
You put your face down in that one part and then the little spike comes down and massages your back.
Until your back's *gone*.
AARON: Ooh! Pickpocket lessons!
Come back here!
EMRE: She's still upset about what you called her last time.
AARON: Come oooon, Ugly Face! Get back here!
Hhheeeeeyyy....
[EMRE boohoos, mocking SILDA's homeless tears]
AARON: Hey! Shitty-Looking Idiot! Come here!
[EMRE continues to boohoo, louder]
AARON: I just need some pickpocket lessons, you ugly *SLAG*!
SILDA [tired of their bullshit]: Get away from me!
AARON: Look at you! You look like Alice Cooper!
AARON: Redrum, Redrum!
AVENTUS: Grelod the Kind, is she...you know?
AARON: Ugh. I have to tell 'em? I didn't want to.
AVENTUS: AHA! I knew you could do it! I just KNEW IT! I knew the Dark Brotherhood would save me!
Here, just like I promised. This should fetch you a nice price!
AARON: The Ancient Spaghetti Plate of the Aretino Family.
EMRE: This fucking kid ripped you off.
AARON: Yeah, he really did.
EMRE: It cost you like more than that to fucking travel.
AARON: Oh, dude, I just increased my Destruction. That was awesome.
EMRE: Nice.
AARON: Okay, so, I did it and now--This is taking a really long time.
EMRE: It is.
AARON: W-What else do I still have to do?
EMRE: Y-Yeah, you got *plenty* to do.
AARON [using his *special* reading voice]: JAAARRHL STUMcluuck WWEESHES TA DEEBAest Symmpatheez Deha DEFF oF YaH MuTHUH--
EMRE: Don't forget your *goal* is to get that horse.
AARON: That's true. I gotta stay focused.
EMRE: Yeah. Ya gotta *pimp* out your ride.
AARON: Ya know, actually...since I've got the expert here, who has played this game like 5 thousand hours--
I got a letter from a *friend* here...
EMRE: Ooohh, yeah, yeah?
AARON: It says [that special voice again] FUUHN TETS YEEWVV CAUZ'ddd ahhh Beeiit DAhhghhh POundnd--
[EMRE, sighing]
AARON: I just like that it's expressed to Fün Teets.
[EMRE offers a pity laugh]
AARON: It's like t-th, the person who wrote this letter was, like, sexually harassing me.
EMRE [mockingly]: EY, FÜN TITS!
[Giggling]
AARON: Ruuude letters, these people keep sending me!
♫ A Majestic, Mountainous Outro ♫
[GTA Random Citizen: Yeeeeaaah! BOI, BOI! HaHa! DOPE!]
