Top 10 Reasons to Believe That the Earth is
Flat
10.
You’re part of an exclusive club
When you’re one of the sheep who believes
that the Earth is shaped like a slightly overweight
basketball instead of a kick-ass UFO or mountain
covered Frisbee, you’re one of 7 billion
other people who’ve been fooled by the man.
However, if you choose to ascribe to the idea
that the Earth is actually a giant disk flying
aimlessly through an uncaring, godless void,
you’re part of an exclusive club of just
100 people.
Yes, amazingly, there are only around 100
people on Earth right now who are smart enough
to realise that every person with a PHD in
the entire world is lying.
According to The Flat Earth Society, they
had over 3000 members in the 90’s, but a
after a fire, that was probably started by
some butthole working for NASA, they lost
all their records and had to start again.
Since then, only 100 people have bothered
to join back up, meaning there are less people
in this club than there are rhinos left in
the wild.
But hey, don’t let that fact fool you into
thinking this is just an idea held by random
idiots online with nothing better to do, because
…
9.
A bunch of highly influential people also
believe the Earth is flat
When it comes to the Flat Earth argument,
you could be fooled into thinking that those
who believe in the ludicrous idea of an orb
shaped planet have the upper hand because
their ranks include: every scientist of the
last 22 centuries, the president, the guy
who animated What’s New Scooby Doo and probably
some other important people.
There are some fairly prominent and influential
Flat Earthers out there like, Mohammed Yusuf,
you know, the former leader of Boko Haram,
that group that explicitly says that they
hate Western Education and make the majority
of their living in royalties from keeping
CNN afloat when it isn’t an election season.
If having one of the most repugnant men in
history support the view that the Earth is
flat doesn’t convince you that it’s a
totally legit theory, how about learning that
the most repugnant man in history also apparently
believed it.
Yes, we’re talking about Hitler who is apparently
greatly respected by a subsection of Flat
Earthers because he’s “allegedly” the
only person known to have seen the end of
the Earth during a visit he totally made to
Antarctica that only Flat Earthers seem to
know about.
But hey if Hitler isn’t your thing, you
may still want to reconsider dismissing the
Flat Earth Theory outright because, if you
choose to believe it, you get to …
8.
Live in a world like Game of Thrones
We wrote an article a while ago all about
how unrealistic some of the elements of Game
of Thrones are in relation to the section
of history it takes influence from and we’d
like to apologise because holy crap, you guys,
the wall is a real thing.
You see, according to Flat Earthers, the world
rather than being a bloated sphere is actually
a rounded disk surrounded by a several hundred
foot wall of ice, which is why the oceans
don’t just spill out into space and land
on Jupiter.
Of course nobody has ever seen this wall,
because NASA diverts planes away from it as
well as stationing guards at the top to shoot
anyone (except for Hitler) who gets too close.
While we have no idea if any of these guards
dress like Jon Snow, we’re going to assume
that they do because what in the hell else
is a person tasked with guarding the literal
edges of the Earth from the top of a big-ass
wall of ice gonna wear?
While the existence of a big-ass wall of ice
that keeps all of the world’s oceans in
place is certainly reassuring, arguably one
of the best things about believing the Earth
is flat is the fact that …
7.
You get to prove Einstein wrong!
Whenever the idea of a flat planet comes up,
one of the first arguments against the theory
to crop up in conversation is that gravity
simply wouldn’t work on a planet shaped
like a pizza.
Gravity for those of you who aren’t aware
is a myth perpetuated by NASA that says all
objects emit an invisible force that attracts
other objects towards themselves, the larger
the object, the larger the force.
Rather than believing this twaddle, Flat Earthers
instead believe that the Earth is constantly
flying directly upwards at a constant acceleration
of 9.81 m/s and that’s why when you drop
an object it falls towards the ground at this
speed.
In regards to what happens when the Earth
reaches terminal velocity, the opinion of
the Flat Earth society is that it probably
won’t so don’t worry about it.
Where’s you’re theory of relativity now,
Einstein!
But wait you ask?
If gravity doesn’t exist, how is the moon
kept in place?
Well the moon does have a gravitation pull
and it does effect the tides, but the only
reason it moves across the sky is because
the Earth is spinning and it stays in place
because it just so happens to be travelling
the exact speed we do.
As for why the Earth doesn’t have gravity
if the moon does, the official stance of the
Flat Earth society is to just not try to think
about how ridiculous that is.
Oh and for anyone wanting to be clever and
ask how we have things like lunar eclipses,
that’s obviously due to an invisible “shadow
object” that nobody has ever observed flying
in front of the moon at random that you should
absolutely believe exists just because we
said so.
Also the sun, moon and all the stars are only
a couple of hundred miles above the Earth.
However, while Flat Earthers whole heartedly
think that you should accept everything they
say without question or proof, you shouldn’t
give NASA the same privilege because ….
6.
NASA is like, super evil and corrupt
In the world of Flat Earthers, no single entity
is treated with more contempt and animosity
than those dicks at NASA.
Why?
Well it probably has something to do with
the fact that NASA is pretty much solely responsible
for maintaining the illusion that the Earth
is a sphere and they’re also evil and corrupt
because sure, why not.
According to Flat Earthers every image of
our planet ever taken from space was doctored
by NASA, every trip to space, including the
ones where people died, were impeccably planned
ruses and there’s no such thing as satellites,
only giant, NASA controlled radio towers that
“lie” to your GPS, television and smartphone.
NASA also somehow controls every single plane
on Earth, even private ones without GPS, to
stop them from straying too close to the edge
of the Earth and uncovering the truth.
If you’re wondering why NASA would bother
to go to such lengths to cover up the Earth
being flat, congratulations, you’re already
starting to sound like a Flat Earther.
Yes, despite Flat Earthers being absolutely
convinced that NASA is a massively corrupt
agency dedicated to hiding the truth from
the public, they have yet to offer a convincing
explanation for why NASA actually cares about
maintaining this impossibly elaborate scam.
They just know something is up and that’s
enough for them because …
5.
Flat Earthers are smarter than most ancient
and modern scientists
The laughable idea that the Earth is actually
a water covered orb being catapulted around
an exploding ball of gas millions of miles
away is one that has been commonly accepted
by scientists and thinkers since about 400
BC.
That is just a bit too long for an idea to
stand unchallenged for it to not leave a sour
taste in our mouth.
Flat Earth Theory by contrast is a relatively
new idea that was proposed during Victorian
times by a guy using the pseudonym “Parallax”
which is just way too badass of a nickname
for it to have possibly belonged to a liar.
Parallax, who usually went by the objectively
lamer name “Samuel Rowbotham,” eventually
founded a school of thought known as “Zetetic
astronomy” which taught some of the ideas
we’ve already mentioned today like the Earth
being surrounded by a wall of ice, the sun
only being a few hundred miles away and calling
everyone who disagreed with you an idiot.
Now come on, admit it, Flat Earth Theory sounds
just a little more convincing now that you
know the majority of the theory is based on
a book written by a guy called “Parallax”,
doesn’t it?
And quite honestly, if that doesn’t convince
you, maybe you’d be swayed by the fact that
when you’re a Flat Earther …
4.
You don’t really have to understand how
anything works
Thinking is hard and Flat Earthers understand
that, which is why the entire theory revolves
around wild, baseless claims and hand waving
anything you don’t want to talk about.
No, seriously.
As you can imagine, people who try to insist
that the Earth is flat in an academic setting
often have to defend themselves against scientists
with less awesome sounding titles than “Zetetic
Astronomer.”
Luckily Flat Earthers have a cast iron system
for answering any question they don’t understand
without it making them look like an idiot
called, “telling people to look up the answer
in the Bible.”
This technique was perhaps best utilised by
Charles K. Johnson, who up until his death
in 2001, was one of the most well-known proponents
of Flat Earth Theory.
In the hundreds of interviews he gave over
the years, Johnson defended Flat Earth Theory
like a champ by ignoring any and all criticism
and deflecting difficult to understand questions
by saying only God had the answer.
For example, when Johnson was once innocently
asked how solar eclipses worked if the world
was flat, he looked the interviewer in the
eye and said “we really don’t have to
go into all that” and then stopped talking.
When pushed for a more satisfactory answer,
Johnson relented and simply said “The Bible
tells us the heavens are a mystery” and
then refused to talk about it anymore.
We think is just fantastic since it confirms
our suspicion that when you become a Flat
Earth advocate …
3.
You can win every argument!
If browsing Reddit has taught us anything,
it’s that winning an argument, regardless
of how right or offensive you are, is one
of the most important things in the world.
If you also think this, then you would probably
make a pretty good Flat Earth Theorist because
there doesn’t appear to be any argument
a Flat Earth Theorist can lose as long as
they truly commit to being as obtuse as possible.
For example, in an interview with The Guardian
newspaper, Daniel Shenton, the current president
of the Flat Earth Society, was able to deftly
avoid being proven wrong by insisting that
all evidence that proved him wrong was made
with “special effects.”
And calmly explained that he felt perfectly
okay with ignoring a millennium of science
based on the fact he felt that he was right.
As if that wasn’t delicious enough, Shenton
went on to explain that it’s on other people
to prove him wrong that the Earth isn’t
flat, you know, even though he’s already
dismissed irrefutable evidence as lies.
Because when you’re a Flat Earther, no proof
is ever good enough and you can always sit
there smugly knowing that no matter what your
opponent says, you can always ask them if
they’ve ever been to space and then cross
your arms and say you rest your case.
Hell, even if the person has been to space,
you’ll still win because there’s no way
for them to prove that the image of the Earth
they saw wasn’t special effects.
And if they ask you to prove that you’re
right, well that’s as simple as …
2.
Drawing a line on the horizon
As far as we can tell, whenever Flat Earthers
need to prove that there theory isn’t just
a sack of bovine excrement, all they need
to do is bring up a picture of the horizon
and draw a straight line across it, thus proving
unequivocally that the Earth is flat.
If the other person tries to correct you by
saying something like “the earth is so unimaginably
big that the horizon is always going to look
flat to our inefficient human eyes” or “try
watching a ship sail out to sea and watch
it disappear over the horizon” feel free
to ignore them or just draw another, bigger
line to prove your point a little bit harder.
If anyone ever tries to trip you up, as people
whose mind isn’t as open as yours is wont
to do, by showing you a picture taken from
orbit in which the horizon is clearly curved,
all you need to is tell them that, that’s
caused by the camera lens.
Or better yet, just tell them that their picture
actually proves your point, like this entire
forum of Flat Earthers did when a guy turned
up with a picture taken from orbit by a totally
independent source that NASA couldn’t doctor
that clearly showed a curved horizon.
When the flustered poster asked someone to
explain to him how a flat planet could have
a curved horizon, one poster simply responded
“because circles are curved” and that
was considered a satisfactory answer.
This gets to the heart of why we think everyone
reading this should give serious consideration
to believing Flat Earth Theory.
1.
Believing the Earth is flat makes you special!
As far as we’re concerned the main reason
to believe Flat Earth Theory over the thing
we as a species have considered fact for 25
centuries is because doing so makes you really
special.
Believing the Earth is flat lets you simultaneously
act intellectually superior to everyone you
know while also not understanding anything
you say on anything more than a superficial
level.
You can sit around in your exclusive club
forums and look down your nose at other people,
while never bothering to improve yourself
in any meaningful way.
Like with other conspiracy theories, you can
use believing the Earth is flat as an excuse
to dismiss the opinions and feelings of anyone
you’d normally have to treat like a human
being as a necessary evil to educate them
about the truth.
In short, the main reason you should believe
that the Earth is flat is because once you’ve
decided to believe it, you’ll never have
to put effort into having a meaningful human
connection ever again.
