
# To Be With You

Opal Mellon

Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2012. Opal Mellon.

Published by Opal Mellon.

Cover design: Rockingbookcovers.com

Formatting: Polgarus Studio

ISBN: 978-0-9887912-2-0

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return it and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author. To obtain permission to excerpt portions of the text, please contact the author at opalmellon@yahoo.com.

All characters in this book are fiction and figments of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

This book is dedicated to my husband, who makes it possible to envision happy endings because he's given me my own.  
Sweetheart, I love you.

### Prologue

Nicole sat on her bed, staring at old, mottled brown carpet. Today she'd leave everything behind: the small room with the small mirror and the bed with the sagging mattress. Everything faded and dirty.

She took her worn pink suitcase handle in one hand and the knotted top of a garbage bag in the other. They contained everything she had and weren't hard to drag behind her. She stood tall as she walked through the dark, empty hall to the small foyer that was streaked with light from the front door windows. She looked outside through the glass for a moment, and then turned back to the house one last time. Empty. No one to stop her. She closed her eyes long enough to breathe in deeply, and walked out into the sun.

Her best friend, an eleven-year-old boy named Sean, waited on the curb. He ran to the porch to help her with her bags.

"When does your aunt Mary get here?" He grabbed the garbage bag and heaved it over his shoulder, only to sway back towards the curb.

"Five." Nicole let her suitcase fall on its side and Sean dropped his bag next to it.

They sat together for a moment. Nicole looked at her watch. 4:48. Wind rustled the trees around them and smelled of dead leaves.

"I'll miss you," Sean said.

"I'll miss you too." Nicole took a mental photograph of the moment. The way his blue eyes looked in the sunlight, so big and so stark. She put a hand up to ruffle his hair. They were just two years apart, but she worried what this baby face would do without her to stomp out the playground bullies for him.

"I don't see why you have to go." He scratched at a hole in his jeans. "If you just tell me what's wrong maybe I can fix it. Then you could stay."

Never. She'd never tell him. "It's not something you can fix."

His head drooped. "Promise you'll write." He pulled a crumpled envelope from his pocket. "This is my address; don't lose it."

"I promise." She put it in her own pocket.

"You lose everything."

"I won't lose this," she said.

He put his face in his arms with a small groan.

"Don't cry, you big baby." She tried to pull his arms away, then stood. "I know!"

She went to her suitcase, unzipped it, and rummaged through the mess.

"Here, write it on me," she said, holding out her inner forearm.

"Really?" He took the pen. "Are you sure? This is permanent."

"I know. That way it won't wash off."

"Oh, true." He leaned forward and wrote the address and phone number on her arm. "You still need to remember to put the address somewhere safe. Tell your aunt it's important, okay?"

"I will." She looked up to see a car in the distance that seemed to be headed towards them.

"Is that her?"

"I think so." Nicole stood. This was it.

"Don't go." Sean hugged her.

"I have to," she said. "But we'll always be friends."

"Unless you lose my address."

"Listen to me." Nicole pulled back so they were eye to eye. "I'm never going to lose this address." She held out her arm. "I won't shower for days if I have to."

He scrunched up his nose. "You could just memorize it."

"Oh, yeah." She smiled. "I'll write soon."

"You had better." He grabbed her hand, swung it a couple of times, then dropped it and reached for her bag.

"I can get them."

He frowned.

"You stay here and watch me. I'll feel special having my own goodbye party waving to me."

"I'd rather meet your aunt and tell her not to lose my address."

She studied him once more. Dark straight hair, small nose, serious face. She wanted to remember. "It's easier if you wait here. I don't want to say goodbye twice."

"Okay."

She nodded. "I'll see you around."

"I'll write."

"I'll miss you. I—uh, I love you Sean."

"I love you too. You're my best friend."

"You're mine." She turned to go.

He jumped forward to hug her one last time but let her go when she almost dropped the bags. He stepped back.

"I'll be here waving."

And that's what he did. From the back window she saw him wave, then turn and walk slowly back home. She'd miss him so much.

~ ~ ~

Four years after Nicole left, Sean lay on his bed looking up at the _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle_ posters on his ceiling. He imagined he was a superhero, someone that swooped in and saved Nicole from bad guys. Her most recent letter sat crumpled beside him on the bed. He was stirred up with anger, with testosterone, in that impotent, can't do anything with it, fifteen-year-old way. He picked up the letter and read it again.

Sean,

Sorry it's been so long. I love your letters. Thanks for sending them. I promise we'll have a phone call someday. My aunt is touchy about long distance and she says writing is good for you anyway.

Guess what? I've got my very first boyfriend!

Sean narrowed his eyes at the paper and read on.

He's one of the popular boys too. His name is Jake and he came up to me while he was waiting for the bus. Aunt Mary said stuff like this would happen if I would dress like a girl for once. He asked me out and I said yes. He says we have to keep it secret for now though, which is weird. He says other girls would be jealous and tease me, so it's for my own good. He wanted to start kissing right away. He wanted me to come get in his truck to go home, but I told him that I couldn't. I don't want to kiss anyone yet, especially a secret boyfriend. He said he'll wait at least a week, but after that he'll probably dump me if there's no kissing. What should I do? This might be my only chance at a boyfriend.

Anyway how are you doing, crybaby? You're fifteen now right? Crazy huh? How is school going? If you ask someone out, don't make her kiss you right away. Also, don't make her keep it a secret. It will make her feel bad. Are you still watching too many cartoons? What do you do in your free time? Jake does karate. I think it's very manly. Not like someone like me needs protecting, but it's nice to know he could, you know?

My teachers say I'm good at English. My aunt thinks I should be a writer, like her of course. What do they even do?

I miss you. I haven't had a friend as good as you. Remember how scared you were I would lose your address? I showed you. Well I don't have anything else to say. I love you.

Yours,

Nicole

Sean went to his desk, opened the top drawer and took out his notepad. He propped his pillow up against the headboard just right and started to write.

Dear Nicole,

_I am doing fine. In my spare time I do lots of karate, probably way more than Jake._ I _still watch a lot of cartoons. I'm not sure how many is too much. I miss you, too. You are still my best friend, though I haven't seen you in so long or talked to you. I think you would be a good writer because you make things up in your head all the time. Maybe like Stephen King, cuz you are scary. Just kidding!_

I don't want to be mean, but this boyfriend isn't a good boyfriend. Why can't you tell people you are dating? He should be proud to be your boyfriend. Don't kiss him. Boys only want one thing at our age (yes, we are both teenagers now so you can't call me crybaby anymore), and that's not just kissing. He doesn't sound like a good person. You are a good person. Don't sell yourself short, as my mom would say. She would also ask how "that ragamuffin" is doing. I'm glad your aunt has you writing, but I wish we could talk. Even though I would be nervous that we don't know what to talk about after so long. Four years is forever.

You don't have to have a boyfriend if you don't want one. My mom says that being popular in high school doesn't mean anything later anyways, and that all the jocks will be working for nerds like me. We will see I guess. Write back sooner than last time. I miss you.

Love,

Sean

Sean read the letter over, folded it up, and went downstairs for a stamp and envelope. And to ask his mom to sign him up for Karate.

### Chapter One

Present Day

Nicole raised her hand to knock on Kyle's door, but stopped, letting her fist hover for a moment. She could swear she'd just heard a woman's laugh. That wasn't possible. She knew what should happen. Kyle would open the door, sweep her into a hug, kiss her, and maybe ask for some money if he needed it. They'd talk about their day. Settle in to watch a movie he'd picked out. Maybe snuggle if she got lucky. He'd try for sex, she'd turn him down. It'd be a normal night with her boyfriend. Sean was wrong about this one. She knocked.

She definitely heard a woman's voice this time. And Kyle's right after. She knocked again, harder this time. She really wanted to show Sean she could pick a good one this time, but she was starting to feel a coldness along her neck and shoulders that made her doubt it. The door still didn't open. She heard something brush the door and knew someone was looking through the keyhole.

Someone cursed. "She's not supposed to be here for another hour."

Nicole's face started to burn.

"She's black?" a woman said. "Wow, she's cute."

Nicole was going to show her cute if she ever got in.

"Kyle I know you're there! Let me in!" she said, kicking the door.

"Alright." A click signaled the deadbolt being released and the door started to open. Kyle stood in the small gap created, blocking the view of the room.

"I thought you weren't coming over till six, baby."

"I finished writing early."

"She's a writer?" a woman said.

"Who's there?" Nicole tried to push Kyle back so she could see past him. He stayed wedged in the door.

"Nicole, this isn't the right time."

"When is the right time?" She stepped back, then pushed forward, shoving as hard as she could, knocking him back from the door and onto his butt on the floor. She toppled down after him and landed on her hands and knees, staring at a pair of pale feet with red toe nail polish. She looked up the legs to a towel. She pushed back a bit and looked up at the woman she'd been hearing. She was white, had red hair, and was naked except for the towel. Nicole growled, looking over at Kyle. He scooted away towards the couch.

"I'm sorry," the woman said, backing away as well. "I'm sorry.

Nicole stared at her. She was already erecting walls and locks around her feelings so she barely heard the apologies. Her high heels and pencil skirt made it difficult to stand gracefully, but she pulled herself up. She brushed off her knees and hands, and looked at Kyle one more time. He shrugged, and she punched him, enjoying the shocked look on his face as he stumbled to the side. She shook her hand, turned, and walked out the door.

At home, with an ice pack on her wrist, things were clearer. No more dating. No more disappointments. Things hadn't gone right with a boy since her first boyfriend tried to rape her in the school parking lot.

She opened an email and typed.

Dear Sean,

_You were right. Kyle turned out to be scum._

But she didn't send it. She stared at the screen for a while, and then refreshed her new mail. Junk mail, spam, and a wedding announcement. That threw a wrench in her no-dating plans. If only there was a way to have an escort to those things without any complications, without getting hurt.

The plan came to her in a moment. She googled her city's name and a few other terms and clicked the first link for a place called Club Blue.

A page pulled up with a description and a handsome blond man winking at her next to it.

"Club Blue provides the perfect gentleman for that special date, for a little conversation, for a protective escort, or even as a boyfriend or fiancé to fool the family."

She clicked on the FAQ link at the top of the page and scrolled down.

"Q. Are the boys available for anything?"

"A. Our men are handsome and the perfect date and escort. They are not prostitutes."

"Q. What qualifications do the men have to be escorts?"

"A. We understand that women have a variety of tastes in appearance, dress, and demeanor, so our men run the gamut in style. However, all are chosen based on their superior looks, personality, and ability to carry themselves well in any situation."

"Q. How much does it cost to hire a Club Blue member?"

"A. Prices discussed with members only. Membership allows a customer access to conversation with all of the men in a casual, elegant environment perfect for choosing the man right for your needs."

She turned away from the computer to think for a moment. Not a perfect solution, not by a long shot. Paying a date? The image of the redheaded towel woman rose in her mind, choking her. She opened up a new email to Sean.

~ ~ ~

The Sean in question slumped on his too small computer stool, glaring.

Sean,

_I've found the solution to my boy problems. I can just hire male escorts! Can you believe you can do that in Cali? I can't believe I didn't think of this before. There's a place in my city called Club Blue. You_ s _hould check it out and tell me what you think. Hope you are doing well._

P.s. You were right about Kyle. :P

Nicole

He stared out the window for a moment, and then back at the computer screen as if by looking away and back again the pernicious words would disappear and in their place would be "I've found the solution to my boy problems. You've always been there for me, Sean. Let's try dating."

But the words were the same, so he saved the email to the Nicole folder and signed off. He dragged a hand through his hair then looked down at his watch. He still had time to hit the dojang before he had to teach classes. He grabbed the duffel bag at his feet, walked out, and kicked the door shut behind him.

At the dojang, Sean hit the punching bag hard, enjoyed the slap ringing out and the pain in his hand. What kind of background checks did they do for escort agencies? He slammed into the bag again, this time with a hook that sent pain through his shoulder. How could he know that she'd be safe? He spun and connected with a backfist. What if she was just getting into more trouble? He pivoted for a straight left. How could these men respect her when she was hiring them? He swept around and struck with a spinning hook kick. They couldn't possibly treat her like the princess she was. He jumped a few times to reset, then shook his head and went to the computer to see if any dojang business needed his attention.

He slumped into the seat, rubbed his shoulder and reminded himself not to practice when upset. There was nothing he could do. Nicole had made her choice and all he could really do was wait and try to repair the damage. At least if he was a girl, he could join the club to check it out.

But the only way guys got in was by becoming escorts. Sean set his chin in his hand and tapped his fingers a few times, then stood and stalked to the bathroom to look in the mirror. He pushed at his thick, dark hair, pulling it forward, then to the side, then stepped back and squinted. Was he too tall? He thought his face was okay. He bared his teeth at the mirror and leaned in to inspect them. Straight. Good. He lifted up his gi and T-shirt; did a six-pack get him extra points? How good looking did an escort need to be?

"Oh no," he told the idiot in the mirror. "Don't even think about it."

Sean finished removing his gi and stuffed it in his bag. Nicole was so ridiculous. If any of the women in his dojang came to him about hiring an escort, he'd rain down a shower of disapproval.

He didn't even know what hiring an escort meant. He eyed the studio computer and approached it warily. Hoping he remembered to delete the search history after, he typed 'club blue cali' into Google and searched. He clicked the first link. When the main site pulled up a place called "Club Blue," complete with a jaunty sleazeball winking, he felt his blood run away from his face. No way could he do this. He ground his teeth and forced his eyes back to the screen. He could do it for her.

So there was a Frequently Asked Questions list? Yeah, he had a few questions. What would it take for a man to do this? What kind of messed up guy would take money from women?

Those weren't answered in the FAQ. The location of the club was there though, and Sean was relieved to see it was close. He'd moved here from Idaho when Master Peterson had opened a new dojang here and needed help, but he'd never told Nicole. He'd been too afraid she'd think he'd moved for her and was stalking her. Now his location and her ignorance of it were going to be a huge benefit.

He read the FAQ a second time, less afraid that his face was going to melt while doing so. They weren't prostitutes. Well that solved one doubt that had been crawling under his skin since he'd read her email.

So it was just dates. That made some sense. It was too bad, though, that the world had come to such a low point that women had to spend money to find a decent date. Or perhaps women just didn't want expectations. Maybe this was a way to have male company without breaking a man's heart when he decided he wanted to keep you forever.

But then he reminded himself that Nicole's experience proved that many men didn't feel the same as him. They wanted whatever they could take with no responsibility. He cracked his knuckles.

He scrolled down on the FAQ till he saw the last question. His hands felt clammy. Maybe it was too hot in here. Maybe he should have turned on the swamp cooler.

"Q: How do I become a Club Blue Escort?"

"A: Just contact us using the above form. Tell us a little about yourself, attach a picture, and we'll get back to you to schedule an interview."

He put his head in his hands and sighed.

~ ~ ~

Sean entered the Club Blue main office feeling like beef that was up for quality inspection. The receptionist looked normal. The desk looked normal. But this place was not normal, and no amount of inconspicuous equipment or people would make him forget that.

"I have an interview," he said as quietly as possible, over the top of the desk to the blond receptionist who looked like she was still in college. There was no one else around but one couldn't be too careful.

"What?" The woman at the desk looked up at him. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you."

"I said I have an interview," he said louder, and the girl jumped. "Sorry."

"It's alright," she said. "I'm always nervous before a job interview too."

Sean raised an eyebrow.

"It's just a job interview after all." She reached for a little day planner and flipped a few pages over. "Are you Sean?"

"Yes."

"For eleven?"

"Yes."

She marked something on the note pad and pressed a button on the phone next to her. A buzz sounded in some nearby room. "Not very talkative are you?"

"Not usually." He tried to look around to various doors for the source of the buzz. That would tell him where he was going, and Sean liked to know where he was going.

"Well some women might like that."

Sean furrowed his brow. He had no idea what to say back to that.

A buzz sounded on her phone and she looked down for a moment as if to confirm what she thought she'd heard. "It's the first room on the right. They're waiting for you." She stood and gestured with one hand.

He didn't look back at her. "Thanks for your help."

He stopped at a drinking fountain to delay the inevitable. The water tasted metallic. The place smelled like a dentist's office. He looked at the door handle like it might bite his hand. He let out a deep breath and grabbed it. He won national titles kicking other men in the face. This would be no problem. He opened the door slowly, expecting to see someone seated at the other side of a desk.

The room was wide and well lit, with large square windows spanning the top half of back wall. The walls were a pleasant beige, the desk in the corner a beautiful mahogany piece. But in front of him, in a semicircle on the luxe taupe carpet, were four chairs. And in three of those chairs sat men that looked like they'd just walked off a cologne ad. In the fourth sat what appeared to be their queen.

"Go ahead and sit down." The man who spoke had blond hair, tanned skin and a delicate face that could almost be called girly. He pointed to a chair at Sean's right.

"Thank you." Sean sat.

"Go ahead and tell us about yourself," another man said. This one had auburn hair, a tall, blocky body, and a soft voice. He wore a tennis sweater and Sean thought it probably had one of those goofy expensive brand names on the tag.

A man on the other side of the queen added, "Not the quickest, is he?" in a flat voice. This man was tall, very dark, with black hair and eyes. He stared at Sean like he might have stared at a traffic light that wouldn't turn green.

The woman in the middle lowered her eyebrows, then put her hand up over her mouth and seemed to breathe into it. She was tall, black, with silky black hair pulled back in a low ponytail, and a sharp face.

"Your style isn't great, but that's kind of cute," she murmured to herself. She sat up and looked him over. "My name is Hope. This is Justin." She pointed to the blond. "That's Jason." She pointed to the tennis sweater man. "And this is my business partner, Chandler." She pointed to the man on her right. "He does our accounts."

The guys nodded at him in turn.

"Justin and Jason are our most requested escorts." She said. "They check out new candidates and can answer any questions you might have about life on the job."

Sean had too many questions to have any questions, so he just stared at them, blinking.

"Do you know what a host club is?"

He shook his head.

"I discovered them on a business trip to Japan," she said.

Chandler snorted from the right but was already looking out towards the window with his head rested in his palm when Hope glared over at him.

"They are nightclubs. The women come in and spend time with the hosts of their choice. The men are good-looking, polite, and a great distraction for businesswomen or other sex workers just looking for company at the end of the night. Of course, we don't encourage our members to buy and drink alcohol like the Japanese hosts are expected to."

The guys nodded.

"Instead, for our bottom line, we hire out for dates. Many women expressed how much they would like to take one of our men out as an escort, and after talking it over we agreed that it would be beneficial to all parties. The men could work during the days, rather than just in the evenings, and the women could go to reunions and parties as they liked."

Sean nodded. There was only one thing he needed to know about this club. Whether Nicole was coming here.

"Other things you should know? The pay is very good. We're like a family here and you will be treated with respect. It is hard work, but very rewarding."

He nodded.

"So at the risk of sounding like a normal, boring job interview, why do you want to be an escort?"

Sean sat for a minute, wishing he had thought of something to say that wasn't the truth. Wondering if he should tell the truth. He decided on something in the middle.

"My friend mentioned recently that she was going to hire an escort. I didn't even know there were agencies like this. I looked it up online. I thought maybe I'd be a good match."

Hope studied him.

"You'd need to update your wardrobe, but we have a huge selection of clothing the men here can choose from, so that won't be an issue."

"He's tall. Good face." The blond man said, sitting forward and leaning on his palm. "Kind of awkward though."

Sean thought he probably had a point there. Maybe he'd never make it here if he wasn't fluid and elegant like the pretty boy looking him over.

"I was awkward at first too, Justin," the auburn man said, taking off his glasses to polish them with a microfiber cloth. "Not all of us are born to please women."

Justin scowled at him. "You're still awkward, Jason. And a nerd."

Jason smiled and turned to Sean. "Your eyes are really blue. Are you wearing contacts?"

"No." Sean wasn't sure how to deal with men checking him out. He'd been expecting sleazy guys, not professional men who looked like models and wore watches that probably cost what his car did. They were professional and sharp, and made him think maybe he should probably go back to the dojang.

"Good, because if you were, I was going to say keep wearing them." Jason put his glasses back on. "The color is astounding."

"Oh." Sean didn't know if that was good or bad.

"He's a bit word-constipated," Justin said. "Women want a man who can talk, a man who doesn't sit like a bump on a log. Maybe we'll have to open him up a little." Justin sent him a wink and Sean tried to dodge it with his eyes.

Jason shook his head. "Maybe he's just what we need to balance out your verbal diarrhea."

"Why I oughta..." Justin turned to Jason.

"We'll give you a shot." Hope leaned forward between the men. "Come to this address tomorrow night at 6:00."

Sean nodded. He wanted to get out of there, brush the sweat from the back of his neck and forehead and get some air. Maybe he wasn't cut out for this. "Do I need to bring anything?"

"Not unless there is something you'd like to bring," Hope said.

"Alright." He stood awkwardly. The other three stayed in their chairs. Justin stopped arguing with Jason long enough to give a small wave, and Jason nodded with a small salute. Chandler mumbled a 'nice to meet you' and leaned back with folded arms.

"Good to meet you Sean," Hope said.

Sean opened the door, let it swing behind him. He walked outside, oddly floaty, the day a little too bright, the colors too saturated, the sounds of people's voices garbled as if they were underwater. He wanted to get home and fall in bed. Maybe if he went to sleep he'd wake up and find it was all a dream. Just one email to write first.

Dear Nicole,

I'm sorry if I was a jerk before. It's been hard seeing you hurt. I want you to be happy, however that is.

If hiring escorts is what you know to be the answer to your problems then do it and don't worry about me.

_Just be careful who you choose when you get to this Club Blue place. Pick someone who isn't a slimer, please? Don't just pick your usual blond, tanned jerk. Don't forget to write me_ ; _it's really interesting. I didn't even know clubs like that existed._

I hope things are going well with your writing. Things are good at the dojang. I have two new teachers so I'm just not needed as often. Which I suppose is success, but you know me. I like teaching.

Anyway, keep in touch.

Sean

### Chapter Two

Nicole approached the large wooden doors knowing that Club Blue had to be behind them. She wrapped her hand around a handle, took a breath, and then pulled, hard.

She stared around the room as it opened up in front of her. Gray granite sparkled in flecks of silver across the floor. Deep blue walls rose to a glass ceiling with the night sky displayed beyond it. Blue blown glass lamps in exotic shapes hung from the ceiling by invisible tethers, floating like jellyfish in the sea. And the back wall opposite her was one long glass window, from which she could see the city, all lit up and quiet. Just this view was worth the price of membership.

"It's tinted," said a voice to the left.

Nicole shifted to look over at a blond man reclining languidly on a blue velvet settee. His face was sharp and beautiful, and his feathered hair shone silver in the blue light of the club.

"No one can see you up here." He stood, beckoned her with his hand, and walked over to the window. "But you should see the view. It's absolutely beautiful."

She joined him. "It is." She turned from the window to the man next to her. "I hadn't expected it to be so beautiful." She meant the club, but she could have been talking about the man sitting before her. He was androgynous, almost ethereally beautiful.

"My name is Justin," he said. "There's only three of us here tonight for your preview. Me and another top host, and a newbie we're training. Of course I'm number one." He winked at her. "Should we go meet the others?"

"Sure." She followed Justin to the front of the room. Next to Justin's settee was a couch. An auburn haired man with glasses sat balancing a Kindle on his knee beside a tall, dark haired man that stole her breath. He looked up at her and she wasn't sure if his eyes were really that blue or if the club's lighting was playing tricks. He had smooth, coffee skin and straight, hard features. Both looked up at her as she approached. The man with the Kindle gave her a soft smile, and the dark haired one crumpled his forehead and sort of frown-smiled. Nicole grinned back, but there was something about the dark one that made her feel off-kilter.

Justin waved at his settee. "Go ahead and sit here. I'll grab a seat with—"

"John." The black haired man said, standing up and cutting Justin off. He reached his hand out for her to shake it. "I'm John."

"I'll sit with John." Justin sent John a look she couldn't interpret.

The man with glasses stood up and came over and held out a hand as well. "I'm Jason."

"I'm Nicole," she said, scooting back against her settee, both to be as far as possible from all of them and to get the best look. The blond was her type. Jason was the type you'd take home to mom. And John seemed familiar somehow. Somewhat like Sean, the same way the Hulk somewhat resembled Bruce Banner. Just a very slight resemblance.

"So what do you do Nicole?" Justin asked.

"Read. Not much," she said, pulling her eyes back to the rest of the group.

"Jason, you hear that?"

"What do you like to read?" Jason asked.

"Everything. Trashy romance novels in particular." She smiled and rested her chin on her fist.

Both men just stared at her for a moment, as if waiting to see if she was serious, then laughed.

"High standards to live up to," Justin said. He stood up and went to a counter at the other side of the bar. "Would you like a drink?"

"What do you have?"

"Just soda, some juice. No alcohol on the job, and we had trouble with having hot drinks in here so no coffee."

"No thanks." Nicole looked over at John, who was looking everywhere but at her. She surprised herself by moving over to his couch. She felt drawn in by him. So big, and so nervous.

"So you're new, hmm?"

"Yes." He spoke in a low voice and avoided her eyes.

"You know, you remind me of someone I once knew."

"Yeah?" He looked at her this time, blinked long, dark lashes.

"Yes," she said. It had to be Sean. No one could have such blue eyes. But Sean was still in Idaho, wasn't he? And Sean would never trick her like this. And that little baby-faced boy couldn't possibly have grown into this huge man. Impossible.

"Who?" He picked at his cuticles.

"A boy I grew up with. A dear friend."

"Oh," he said. "Sorry. I'm not him."

"Are you sure you aren't?" She looked over his face. A long, straight nose, small mouth, wide jaw. It was too hard to say. She wished she had a photo of little Sean to plug into an age progression machine.

"Pretty sure," he said, turning his attention to the arm of his couch and picking at the velvet.

Justin came up and perched on the other arm of the couch by Nicole. He put an arm up behind her, startling her. "So Nicole, what do you think of Club Blue so far?"

Nicole fought off a shiver and looked up at Justin. She didn't like people that close when she hadn't invited them. She fidgeted.

"You're making her uncomfortable." John reached behind her and pushed Justin with one hand and toppled him off the couch and onto the floor.

"Ouch." Justin stood up, rubbing his backside. He glared at John and then faced Nicole.

"Sorry. Next time just tell me to stop, if only to save me from that oaf." He looked her way, fluttering long lashes. "Do you forgive me?"

"Of course." She laughed.

"Stop being an idiot." John made another swipe at Justin who moved out of reach.

"Stop being a grump." Justin folded his arms.

John growled.

"Both of you stop embarrassing yourselves," Jason cut in, looking annoyed at being pulled from his book. "What would you like to do Nicole? Would you like to tell us about yourself? Ask questions about us?" He flicked a switch on the Kindle and set it beside him. "Would you like us to tell you about a typical night at the club?"

"Sure," she said. Justin went back to the settee and John slumped over the arm of his side of the couch. Like she had a disease he didn't want to catch.

"Well, typically you'd come in just like you did," Jason said. "It'd be a bit lighter, and there'd be between five and ten men, and maybe 20 women, depending on the night. Coming to the club to hang out is a great way to get to know the different guys. We play games and talk. Very relaxed."

"We also flirt," Justin said.

Nicole smiled. "I don't have a problem with that."

"Except John," Justin said. "He doesn't really. But that actually works for him."

"Strong and silent type." Nicole nodded.

"Sure," Justin said.

John lived up to his stereotype by not responding.

"That's how it works here," Jason said. "Every guy is kind of different. Not that we are acting, it's just how we are. I'm bookish. Justin is flirtatious. John is John."

"I've only been here a week. Stop talking about me like I'm a pro," John muttered.

"Definitely spices the place up," Justin said. He stood up and came around to John's side of the couch. "So fun to mess with too." He put his hand in John's hair and ruffled it and John grabbed the hand and maneuvered it behind Justin at an awkward angle till Justin yelped. "Alright! Alright, I'm sorry!"

Nicole could see why other girls were okay with John's stoicism. He didn't take crap from anyone, which made a girl feel safe. But he looked a bit like Sean. Then again maybe it had been so long since she'd seen him that she was just looking for him in other men. The Sean she trusted would never lie to her like that.

"Where are you from, John?" she asked.

John looked at Justin and Jason.

"He doesn't like giving out a lot of personal information," Jason said.

"I'm from Utah," Justin offered. "How about you Nicole?"

"Idaho," she said, looking at John to see any twitch from him. He just looked down at his knuckles as if there was something interesting crawling on them.

"Potato land!" Justin said. "How are the potatoes?"

"Dry," she said.

"So why Club Blue?" Jason asked, studying her. "What are you hoping to get out of membership?"

"I just attract bad men," she said. "But I don't like going to events alone. And I enjoy being with guys. It just seems safer this way."

"With that idiot around?" John said, pointing at Justin.

Nicole laughed. "I guess so." She looked at Justin's sparkling eyes and came to the conclusion that he could be trusted. And Jason was the type that would probably give you guy advice. And John, he was the type who made you want to get back in the dating world because he reminded you how enticing normal men without any flirting ability were.

"So, how do I going about hiring just one of you?" she asked.

"Just talk to us," Justin said. "Tell us the date and we'll check our schedule. Hope does all the pricing. Some of us give discounts to super pretty girls though." He wiggled his eyebrows at her. He wasn't good at it so instead of waving they just went up and down uncoordinatedly.

"It's very easy," Jason said, opening his Kindle again.

"What if I get turned down?"

John looked up when she said this, as if he knew she could only mean him. That he alone seemed surly enough to turn a client down.

"No one would turn you down unless his schedule was full," Jason said. "And if it was, he would help you find someone else."

"You can also talk to Hope," Justin said. "She has our schedules and can tell you who is available on any given night, and check with the host herself if you'd like. Some women prefer that."

"I probably would," she admitted. She stood, brushed off her skirt and slung her purse over her shoulder. "You've been so patient answering all my questions. Thank you so much."

"Take care, Nicole." Justin waved. "Make sure one of the security guards walks you out, unless you'd like one of us to."

"A guard will be fine." She smiled. "Goodbye Justin. Goodbye Jason." She looked at John. "Goodbye Sean." He didn't respond, just looked confused like the other two. "I mean John. I'm sorry. Goodbye John."

He waved slightly and went back to looking at his knuckles.

Nicole pulled open the door, feeling that her simple, safe solution was not as simple or safe as she'd hoped.

As soon as the door shut behind Nicole, Jason and Justin turned to glare at Sean.

"John?" Justin said. "What was that?"

"Yeah." Jason said.

"Do you know her?" Justin said. "Cause you were seven kinds of awkward, even for you. I mean a rock has a better personality than you had in there."

"More welcoming, too." Jason said. He and Justin quickly high-fived then glared at Sean.

Hope opened the door. "I saw it too from the monitor. What exactly is wrong with you tonight?" She stood in front of him and tapped her foot. "You nearly scared her off."

"I did not," Sean said. He looked at each of their faces and then shrugged, sitting back against the couch. "I know her, okay?" He was tired of lying, so he told them the story.

"I like it," Justin said. "Beauty and the beast. I'll help too. I'll be extra flirty so you can come to the rescue. She has a serious bubble."

"Like you could threaten anyone, Justin," Hope said.

"No!" Sean said. "Leave her alone. This isn't about me winning the girl." He shook his head. "Seriously don't do anything to cause her pain."

"I'm not sure I think this is a great idea, but I'll let it go, for now." Hope sighed. "Just make sure you still serve your other clients. Everyone has to pull his weight. Even hopeless romantics with noble motives." She left through the back door.

Justin slapped Sean on the back and followed him into the elevator, quickly ducking Sean's return swing. Jason was quiet on the ride down.

Sean was too, until he was struck with a new thought. "You don't think she knew it was me, do you?"

"No," Justin said. "Wait, she did try to call you Sean when she said goodbye. Maybe it was to trick you?" Justin said.

"Maybe it was just because I remind her of him and she slipped?"

"No, I think maybe she had some idea that it could be you," Jason said.

"On that note, isn't this going to be a big mess when she finds out you've been lying to her?" Justin said. "We are willing to help you with this, but maybe you should think about that and decide if you really want to go through with it or just come clean."

Sean was already thinking about it. If he came clean, she would hate him. If he hid it, he could keep her safe until it didn't matter if she hated him. Decision made. Maybe.

### Chapter Three

Dear Sean,

Can we instant message tonight? I know you have AOL email, so you have to have instant messenger.

Hope you get this tonight,

Nicole

Dear Nicole,

Of course. My username is Seantkd2004. I'm on now. What's your username?

SeanTkd2004: Hi.

Nickynickchick: Hi there.

SeanTKD2004: So what did you want to chat about?

N: I went to the club for the first time tonight.

S: You did? Already?

N: Yup.

S: How was it?

N: Weird.

S: Oh? How so?

N: Well, there was a tanned blond guy there.

S: Typical. Who else was there?

N: A guy with glasses.

S: Cool.

S: What were they like?

N: Wait. There was one other one.

S: Oh. Sorry.

N: That's the weirdest part. He looked like you.

S: ???

N: He did!

S: Do you even remember what I looked like before?

N: Yes.

S: I mean I have grown up a bit in the last 13 years.

N: You have, huh? I wouldn't know, because you're a caveman who doesn't have Facebook.

S: Well, everyone grows up.

N: How tall are you now?

S: What? Why do you ask?

N: Just wondering.

S: You know I'm sensitive about my height, Nick.

N: You never called me Nick.

S: Well it's your username, so now I do.

N: Lol. Stop changing the subject.

S: Lol?

N: Laughing out loud. You really are a caveman.

S: Were you really laughing out loud?

N: No.

S: Doesn't make sense then.

N: Yeah, it doesn't. So how tall are you now?

S: I'm not even sure.

N: Haven't you measured yourself?

S: No. Why would I measure myself?

N: So you would know?

S: I'm not as tall as I'd like to be, how's that?

N: Ah, so same as before?

S: No, that would make me like three feet tall.

N: You're impossible. Never mind then.

S: Never mind? Never mind what?

N: I just thought you... I don't know. Just forget it.

S: No. What? Why did you want to know?

N: If you HAVE to know, I'm still stuck on the fact that one of the hosts looks like you.

S: Really? As good-looking as me?

N: I don't know. He had your eyes.

S: What about my eyes?

N: You know what I mean. :P Don't fish for compliments. So how are things at the dojo?

S: Pretty good. It's dojang, not dojo. Dojo is karate.

N: Yeah whatever. What do you do there all day?

S: Oh the usual. Kick other men in the face.

N: How did you get so involved in karate anyway?

S: You're killing me, Nick. It's Tae Kwon Do.

N: Stop calling me that. Answer the question.

S: Sigh. :/ I like calling you that. It rolls off the tongue.

N: >:/

S: Okay, okay. Just the usual. I kick other guys in the face, and train other guys and girls to kick other people in the face for points.

N: o.O

T: How do you do smileys that aren't in the little smiley box?

N: It's kind of adorable that you don't know. You just type them.

S: I know you type them, I was just wondering how you know specific faces mean different things, or do you just make them up as you go?

N: No, definitely the same ones other people use for the most part. I guess you haven't seen the <((_CRAYOLA_(() crayon either.

S: No I haven't. Cool.

N: So are you good at kicking people in the face?

S: Yup. Nationally ranked.

N: Wow. How does that work with being short?

S: I didn't say I was short. I said I'm not as tall as I want to be. It's more about speed anyway. How is the writing going?

N: Good. Kind of nice having books up and making money for me so I can do dumb things like hire male escorts. Have you read them?

S: I may have perused them.

N:...what did you think?

S: I think they are romance novels. It's not really my forte.

N: Shame on you. Your best old friend writes books and you can't even compliment her.

S: Okay, okay. I've read them all. More than once. And dog-eared them. They are really good romance novels.

N: :)

S: Forcing me to spill that I read romance novels. Don't tell my students.

N: Okay.

S: Thanks.

N: Although since I don't know where the dojo is, let alone in which state, and I haven't seen you in thirteen years, I guess that's not really an issue.

S: I hadn't thought of that. Thanks for reassuring me.

N: You could tell me where it is.

S: I don't think so. You just gave me a reason not to. My students probably aren't ready for a master who kicks people in the face and reads romance novels.

N: Well that's judgmental.

S: Shrug

N: Hey, you're getting the hang of this chat thing.

S: Thank you. So tell me more about the club.

N: Not much to tell. I met them. If I want to hire one, I just talk to him or the owner.

S: Who do you think you'll hire?

N: The place is really beautiful though. Let's just say Club Blue was a really apt name.

S: Yeah?

N: Yeah.

S: So I'll ask again: who are you hiring?

N: I'm not sure yet. I guess it'd be kind of weird to go out with someone who looked like you.

S: Why?

N: Well you know. We've been friends for so long. It'd just be...weird.

S: Okay. So who are you hiring then?

N: Well, I might just hire the one that looks like you, anyway.

S: Why? You said it was weird.

N: Because he's hilarious. He's seriously the funniest, most awkward person there.

S: And being awkward is a good thing?

N: You'd just have to see it.

S: Definitely couldn't be me then. I'm not awkward; I'm smooth.

N: Oh?

S: My students don't call me awkward at least.

N: Is that because they know you could kick them in the face?

S: No. It's because they know I could kick them in the face super-fast and super-hard.

N: LOL.

S: Did you actually laugh out loud that time?

N: Yes, I did.

S: lol then.

N: Did you?

S: No. I just wanted to use it. So what will be your first date? Or are you just going to hang out at the club for a while? Are there more than three guys you can pick from?

N: Yes, I think there are about a dozen. I don't really want to hang out at the club much. I think I'll hire the John guy.

S: John?

N: The one that looks like you.

S: His name rhymes with mine?

N: Yeah.

S: Weird. Maybe he's like my long lost, really embarrassing twin.

N: Who knows? Well, that's all. I think Imma hit the sack.

S: Imma?

N: Imma = I'm going to.

S: :/

S: Shouldn't a writer have better grammar?

N: Shouldn't a businessman have better technical skills?

S: >:( No. I can kick people in the face. That's all I need.

N: Would you kick someone in the face for me?

S: Any day! :)

N: Super hard?

S: Of course.

N: Aw, thanks. Sleep well.

S: You too.

N is offline.

S is offline.

Nicole closed the chat window and brought up the Club Blue website to look at the available men and read their bios. She didn't find one for John, but that was probably just because he was new. Nicole wished she could see a picture of him, to see if now after talking to Sean he still felt familiar to her. Either way, John was gorgeous. Stuck in her mind like a pleasant promise of something exciting in the future. She closed the laptop slowly, already zoning out before she set it aside and got ready for bed. She pulled on soft pajamas and fluffed her sheets and blanket. She was pretty sure at this point that John was not Sean, and that made it okay to think about him.

She imagined herself at her family reunion, her family narrowing their eyes at the strong, dark-haired man beside her, and smiled.

She pictured them together at a friend's wedding, all eyes on her, everyone speculating about who the handsome stranger was, rather than pointing at her and whispering about the latest disaster she'd had with another jerk.

Yes, the world was looking just a little easier. She knew she shouldn't care about other people's opinions. Maybe, after she just had a little approval from society at large, she wouldn't crave it so much. Yes, she'd schedule at least one date with John. It couldn't hurt.

~ ~ ~

Several weeks later, Nicole enjoyed her last breaths of fresh spring air. Soon John would be here for their first scheduled date and they'd have to go inside the stifling hotel lobby and battle a crowd of wedding guests. Bright Cali sun mingled with a light breeze that ruffled the silk of her blue blouse. She searched the passing crowd for her date.

Her eyes took a moment to find him; once again she was struck by his resemblance to her best friend. If it wasn't Sean, fate was messing with her by putting someone who looked just like a grown version of him in her path. He stopped in front of her, hands in his pockets, and when he smiled, awkwardly, lopsidedly, her heart told her it had to be Sean. It couldn't be anyone else.

When their eyes met, she felt caught in an electrical current. She forced herself to hug him.

"Nervous?" he asked, opening the heavy glass doors for her.

She gulped. Justin must have helped him pick a suit. It outlined his chest and tight waist. She would not look at her childhood friend that way. Gross.

"No. Why would I be?"

They entered the lobby. Gold swirls in the carpet and on the ceiling made her wonder how elegant the rooms were. Maybe they'd have a Jacuzzi. Maybe she could take a date there. Two decorated doors were open and led to the ballroom that held the reception. Quiet music played in the distance.

"Sean. I mean John." She said. She touched his sleeve.

He looked down at her. She wanted to run a finger along his jaw and see if it was as straight as it looked.

"What?"

"You okay? You look stiff."

He did. He looked uncomfortable, as he'd been at their first interview at Club Blue. No longer the easy, happy Sean from outside.

"Hot in here, isn't it?" He pulled at his tie and she could see his neck was red.

"If you want to leave we can. Do you always get this nervous at weddings?"

"Not usually." He said, and when she looked at him puzzled, he amended, "This is my first host date. I suppose I should tell you that you look beautiful."

"Oh, you," she said. "Stop with the gross flattery before people realize I hired you." She punched him lightly on the arm and laughed when he rubbed it and pouted.

"That hurt."

"No it didn't."

"Okay, it didn't." He smiled and dropped his arms back to his side. Then reached an arm out for her to take.

She stared at it for a moment. "Isn't that old fashioned?"

"I thought it would make us look like a couple."

"I don't know if men do that anymore." But she took his arm. It was too thick to fit her hand around, and it made her feel the room was too hot, as he'd said.

He looked affected as well. "Shall we go?" He put a hand over hers.

"We shall."

They walked into the room. It felt humid. She searched for the bride and groom. She tried not to think about Sean and what it meant that he was here with her now as someone else. She had a wedding to attend.

She caught Beth's eye as the bride swirled in her groom's arms. She lit up and turned to her husband, who smiled, nodded, and followed her toward Nicole. She decided it wouldn't hurt to not tell Sean, to not try to expose him. Best to let it play out. She could take it if it went wrong. She'd had worse. It'd be more interesting to see what he would do. This Sean wasn't like the old one at all. She would give him a chance for all the chances he had given her.

Lily reached her. "Your seats are over here. I'm so glad you could come. This is Jeff." She pointed to her husband. "And who's your handsome date?"

"This is John. It's nice to meet you Jeff," Nicole said, leaning forward to shake his hand. "You've got a good woman. Treat her well."

"I know," he said. Then the newlyweds locked eyes and Nicole knew that was her cue to leave. Now she'd have to sit and pick at sub-par food while drunken relatives of the bride and old friends tried to get in her pants. She heard a scraping and saw that Sean had pulled her chair out. She smiled. No, this was why she'd hired a date. No awkward singleness for her.

She looked around the table as she sat, but noticed that their eyes weren't on her, but on Sean as he pushed her chair back in and asked if she'd like a drink. She was going to have to get used to him getting attention. Who knew Sean would grow up to be hot? To her he'd always be the little boy screaming to her for help.

She looked again, trying to see what a stranger would see. His face had lost its boyish roundness, and now his jaw was square. He seemed about six foot four, and his body was probably exactly what a fighter should be. Still just Sean to her, for now.

"Do you want a drink?" Sean asked. He seemed to be flushed and she realized she'd been studying him openly.

"Just water," she said, and he went to the drink table.

"Nicole!" one of the women said, pulling Nicole's focus away from Sean's butt. She recognized the women as girls from the year above her. Friends of Lily. They wore nearly identical retro inspired dresses and tightly curled hair.

"Beth!" Nicole said, standing to hug the blonde. "Tina!"

"So you were lucky enough to get a date." Tina said, watching Sean walking carefully to the table with two drinks. The little glasses looked ridiculous in his hands. "Who is he?"

"Just a friend," she said. When Tina and Beth looked at each other and then at Sean with grins, she felt like a porcupine defending its turf. She may not want him, but she needed time to figure it out. "That may be changing soon though."

"That's obvious." Beth sighed. "He likes you."

"He does?"

"Slobbering," Tina said. "You lucky jerk. You'll share, won't you?"

Not likely. But then Sean might get the wrong idea if she was possessive. "Sure."

Nicole was about to distract them by asking how life had been since high school when Sean arrived at the table. He moved smoothly, set her water down on a napkin, and then pulled out the chair beside her and sat with his own drink. He lifted it and drank half of it in one go, then his brow wrinkled and Nicole knew he probably had a head freeze.

"So how do you two know each other?" Tina asked.

"We grew up together." Nicole sent Sean a warning look so he'd play along.

He nodded and buried his face in his cup again.

"In Idaho," Nicole said. Was he flushing? Interesting.

Sean messed with his collar. "Sure. Idaho?"

"If that's how they grow them in Idaho, sign me up." Tina smiled at him.

"Grow what?" Sean asked, looking from one to the other.

Nicole wondered if she should tell him and let him get an inflated ego, but Tina and Beth laughed.

"You're so cute," Beth said, taking a sip of champagne.

If he was Sean, she knew that would ruffle his feathers. Sean had been called cute since he was young. He hated it.

"You know, men don't really like being called cute," he said, slumping slightly and narrowing his eyes on them.

"Oh," they said in unison, looking at Nicole for a second with raised eyebrows.

"But I'll accept hot, handsome, rugged, and beastly, in reverse order of preference."

Nicole recognized it as Justin's speech when someone called him pretty. She also noticed a fine sheen of sweat along Sean's hairline. Poor guy.

"Can I borrow him for a dance?" Tina asked. "No one here is tall enough. I'll bring him back in one piece."

Sean turned to Nicole. He looked confused and slightly helpless. Nicole decided to let him sweat.

"Be my guest. How could I hog such a hot, handsome, rugged, beastly man?"

Sean's glare was a micro expression that happened in a fraction of a second before he smiled and held out a hand to Tina. "Shall we?"

She smiled and took his hand, and Nicole tried to ignore a distasteful awkwardness that rose in her as they touched. She frowned.

Tina turned to Sean as they left and Nicole heard her words.

"She looked kind of fierce there for a moment."

Sean glanced over his shoulder.

Nicole tried to look away before he could catch her watching. She folded her arms and sat back in the chair. "As if."

But the two were gone, already out on the dance floor, swaying back and forth, Sean's hands in the proper positions on Tina's hand and waist. Tina's tall, chubby figure looked much smaller, much more elegant against Sean's wide shoulders. Sean acted a perfect gentleman. When Tina's hand strayed to his rear, he pulled it up quickly before Nicole could fly out of her chair to defend him. Obviously he didn't need that from her anymore. She'd never had to share Sean. It made her feel insecure somehow, as if his attention was imperative to her safety, to her concept of self as important and valuable. She was thinking of going to take him back when a hand landed on her shoulder, stopping her.

"Nicole," a male voice said. "Haven't seen you in a while."

"Jake," she said. She didn't want to look up. She knew the voice despite its lower timbre. Jake Hawkins. All the worst memories from high school rolled up in one person.

She kept her eyes on her drink. She wasn't going to make a scene. They were older now. And she didn't want Sean to see her as weak. She didn't need to be rescued, however many times she'd wished she had someone to rescue her from Jake in the past. In reality, he was just a harmless creep.

"You alone?" He slumped into Sean's chair. She could see him in her peripheral vision. Taller, but not tall as Sean. Thin. She could see his pale, freckled hands and face. His reddish blond hair. A blur on his face that might be facial hair, but she wouldn't look at him directly to confirm it.

"Aw come on, not going to talk to your old friend?"

She took another drink and looked up to see if anyone else was left at the table. No. Had Beth gone to the restroom after Tina left?

"I'm here with a date," she said. And instantly regretted it. She didn't want Sean involved. She didn't want him protecting her. She needed to take care of herself. Otherwise things got complicated.

"Sure," Jake said. He moved his face deliberately in front of hers.

"Get out of my face. You're drunk."

"And you're hotter than before." He moved closer. "But you don't have a date."

"I have to go to the bathroom," she said. It seemed like Jake wasn't going to get the hint, and if she stayed there long enough, Sean would notice. And she just didn't want to see it all play out.

"Fine," he said. "Can I have your drink?"

She grabbed her purse and strode for the door.

"Nicole." She heard someone call her name but didn't look over.

She left the ballroom. She turned right and headed down a hall. When she came to the end and turned the corner, a hand stopped her.

"Where you going?"

"Get out of my face."

"Or what?" Jake leaned in and put his other hand on the other side.

"Get off of me."

"Oh I'm scared."

"Seriously Jake, I don't have time for this right now." She moved her leg to get ready to bring it up swiftly if needed, but was shocked when he moved it aside with his. He was good.

"Aw come on now," he said. "I'm just picking up where we left off." He leaned in to smell her hair. "I hoped you'd be here. That's why I came."

"You're such a creep."

"Shh," he said. "Keep it down you don't want to make a scene."

He was right, she didn't. She tried to fight his hand as it slid up her side. She didn't want anyone to come upon them and see what was happening. Why did she attract this everywhere she went? Like her stepdad had placed a target on her.

She felt Jake's hand on her skirt.

"You stop that." She slapped him. "Just stop, you idiot."

"Oh, you—" He pulled back a hand and she moved her head to the side and put her hands up to block her face. The slap didn't come.

"No!"

She looked up in time to see a Jake-shaped blur fly into the wall. Sean turned to face her. His shoulders rose and fell and a vein twitched in his forehead. She backed into the wall.

"It wasn't my fault," she said, pressing herself back.

Sean narrowed his eyes and looked from Jake to Nicole. Jake didn't get off the floor. He moaned, showing he was alive and uninjured, but was smart enough to stay down.

Sean moved to him and crouched down. He murmured something to Jake and all Nicole heard was 'cut it off. '

Sean turned back to her, and she slid down the wall and scooted away from him.

"Nicole." He knelt, took her by the shoulders and when she tried to shake him off, held tighter. "Nicole it's me."

"I know it's you," she said. "And now you know."

"Know what?" He moved back but kept his solid, warm hands on her.

"That something's wrong with me," she said. "That I attract that."

"That?" He exhaled slowly through his nose.

"Men," she said. "Like they can sense I deserve it."

"No." He pulled her close. "No, you don't deserve it. And I'll kick their butts if they try it when I'm around. Even if I'm not around just tell me and I'll find them."

"Kind of a lot to do for just being a male escort?" She let the accusation hang in the air and waited for his move.

He looked from one of her eyes to the other, and bit his cheek. Then he exhaled. "Well, we are the best agency in town." He looked as disappointed with his answer as she was.

He stood and pulled her to her feet. He took her arm and when she turned to see where her purse was, he motioned to his shoulder where he held it. Could little Sean really have grown into someone this capable? And if so, what was he doing here as part of this charade?

"Are you okay?" he asked when they stepped outside into fresh air.

"Stupid Jake. I'm sorry you had to see that," she said, pushing his hand off her shoulder and turning to the street. She was starting to calm down. Starting to be more aware of the way Sean had moved Jake like he was nothing. The way he'd tenderly held her. It blurred the hard lines in her world.

"Sorry I wasn't there sooner. I shouldn't have danced with your friend."

"I told you to." She rubbed her arms because the air had turned cold outside. "Plus you were there really quick. Were you watching us?"

"Yes. That's my job right?" He pulled off his jacket and put it around her. "Nicole, I'm glad I got to be there this time."

"This time?" She studied him.

"I mean. I mean I'm glad I was there."

She turned away from him again. "Thank you." She walked a little down the road and he followed her. She checked the bus schedule. She'd been molested on a bus once and hadn't taken them since, but it still seemed safer than walking.

"Can I give you a ride home?" he asked.

"That's not necessary." She didn't need any more help from him. He already confused her.

"You'd be doing me a favor if you'd let me." He came up beside her and put an arm up for her to curl under. "I'll worry if you don't."

"Okay." She put an arm around his waist and let him lead her to the car garage. "But only because it makes you feel better."

"Thanks." He laughed. "My hero." He gave her a small squeeze, then cleared his throat and removed his hand to reach in his pocket and pull out keys. "And don't worry, my Jeep's the best."

"A Jeep? Oh man. Luxurious."

"Only the best."

She snorted, and felt it hadn't been such an awful day after all. Maybe Sean out of the box wasn't so terrible. Maybe she should have let him out of the box a long time ago. Something to think about.

~ ~ ~

Later that night:

CHAT

N: Thanks for getting online.

S: No problem.

S: Rough day?

N: You could say that...

S: Sorry to hear it. Want to talk about it?

N: Not really. But I think I need to.

S: What happened?

N: I went on my first escort date.

S: Oh. How did it go?

N: The date was fine, that wasn't the problem.

S: What was then?

N: It was a friend from high school that was getting married.

S: Okay. And?

N: And Jake was there.

S: >:(

N: I know.

S: Did you punch him right in the face?

N: It was a wedding.

S: I know. It sucks that those people always benefit from functions where manners prevent people from bashing their face in.

N: Yeah, I think that's how my escort probably felt.

S: What do you mean?

N: He put the guy in some kind of hold. Just his job I guess. I slapped Jake, though. I'm sure my escort thought I was crazy.

S: I doubt it. Why else would he hurt the guy?

N: It seemed more like he was just trying to stop the confrontation altogether.

S: I don't know. You know us men. We're pretty protective. Especially of women we are attracted to.

N: He's just a host, a paid date.

S: That doesn't mean he's blind.

N: How do you know what I look like?

S: I've seen pics by your writing. You look way different. I miss those days.

N: I don't.

S: What? Those were good years.

N: Not for me.

S: What?

N: Well except for my time with you. I'm so glad we were friends, but I'm not one of those people who look back at childhood with nostalgia. I would never go back.

S: Really?

N: Being an adult is great. You are an equal. You don't have to depend on anyone, unless you want to. When you are a child you don't get to pick the people you have to depend on, and you have no way to change your life in any important way without them.

S: Them being parents?

N: Yeah.

S: Listen, Nicole. What happened back then?

N: What do you mean?

S: You were so sad sometimes. And you moved out without much warning. I know something must have been going on. I guess I know what you mean about preferring to be an adult, because as a kid I could never ask you. I know I was too young to do anything about it even if you told me.

N: I don't know that there is any point talking about it now. I've been through way too much therapy already. Of course you've probably guessed some of it.

S: I have, from little comments here and there. I know someone hurt you, and the only person you lived with was your stepdad.

N: I can't do this. I need to go to bed.

S: I'm sorry. I was just hoping to understand a little better.

N: Well don't. It's not going to help anything, and I should be able to keep things private if I want to. You aren't my shrink.

S: Sorry. Someone once told me women want to be understood, while men want to be accepted. But I won't push you.

N: Too late. But I don't want to talk about this with you Sean.

S: Okay. So I guess today at the wedding was pretty upsetting too right?

N: Yeah. He attacked me.

S: >:( I could kill him for you.

N: Ha ha

S: I'm serious.

N: I think I'm realizing that. You would really go so far for me?

S: I'd do anything for you.

N: Why?

S: Why shouldn't I? You're my friend. You're a good person. You've always been there for me.

N: Oh.

S: I mean, who else would have saved my butt so many times? No one else even wanted to be my friend.

N: Yeah, you were such a twerp then.

S: It might not be a normal friendship, but I think what we have is really great, Nicole.

N: Me too. It's really different. Most people have to see each other and talk to each other and we have something really special because we didn't need any of that.

S: I don't know. Maybe it would have been more special if we could have seen each other.

N: Maybe if it had been any more contact than this, we could have fought, or had issues with the other person's life, or how they were changing.

S: Maybe. Regardless I've loved it.

N: Me too.

S: I love you, buddy.

N: Aw, you too, Sean.

S: So what happened next with Jake? I hope you had a snappy comeback.

N: Not really. Shortly after that Sean took over.

S: Sean? Do you mean your escort?

N: Oh yeah, John.

S: :P

N: It's hard to keep straight. He looks like you, and in some ways acts like you, and his name is John, which, frankly, rhymes and makes it hard to keep you two distinct.

S: Understandable I guess.

N: Sometimes I wish you WERE around to punch people.

S: Really? Maybe we'll have to meet sometime.

N: That's a great idea. Where do you live now?

S: I don't know though. What about our special 'different' friendship?

N: I don't know.

S: Well there's no rush. After all, you have all the male company right now that you could want. And this way you'll have someone to vent to about it.

N: Thanks. You're the best.

S: : )

N: What?

S: You know that's like any man's favorite thing to hear right?

N: Really?

S: Yeah, we all want to be the best

N: Isn't that just to the woman you're interested in?

S: Ha ha. Usually. But it's not bad from your best friend, either.

N: Good. Glad to help.

S: My hero

N: *flexes muscles*

S: Ha ha, so you're super buff then?

N: No. :P

S: You should work on that, so more Jakes don't get away with just a slap.

N: Thanks karate master.

S: Tae kwon do! So do I get to flex too?

N: You have anything to flex with twerp?

S: Hm, I don't know. More than you probably.

N: Oh?

S: I AM a guy Nick

N: Don't call me that.

S: Rude.

N: Well I guess it's time for bed.

S: I suppose. Are you sure you don't want to talk about what happened before? When we were kids?

N: Sleep well Sean.

S: You too. Use those muscles to fight off the bedbugs.

N: Gross.

S: Yeah, that's why you need your muscles.

N: Would you fight them for me?

S: Sure I would. Would be kind of inappropriate for me to be in your bed though.

N: True that.

S: But if you insisted.

N: Go to bed!

S: You first.

N: Fine. Goodnight.

S: Sweet dreams.

N: Unlikely.

S: :(

N: lol. Goodnight. Love you.

S: You too.

Nicole is offline.

Sean is offline.

Sean closed the chat and sat back in his chair with an extended sigh of relief. He'd thought he was done when he'd typed "my hero," the exact same thing he'd said earlier in the day as John. Was he trying to get caught? Well, he wouldn't put it past his subconscious given how much he hated deceiving Nicole. Maybe he was trying to slip up so it would all be over.

But he didn't want it to be over. Nicole was being more open with him than ever before. He'd almost gotten her to confide in him about what happened when she was younger. He hoped someday she'd feel like she could share that. Maybe one day if she let him in, she'd see he was worth trusting with everything, not just friendship. Maybe she'd see that real friends accept everything about you. Maybe once she worked through all of that, she'd be able to stop going for such bad guys. Then she wouldn't need to hire escorts anymore. Then what?

It's not like he could meet her after that. Would he have to wait another decade so she didn't recognize him when they met? It would be agony, after getting to see her so much, but he could do it. It would be enough getting to hear how much happier she was, being with a man who treated her well and loved her the way she deserved. He was sure that would be enough for him. He smiled and got up to get ready for bed, burying any uneasiness, any jealousy, any worry, under that distant future happiness and slept well that night.

Across town, Nicole scrolled through the chat. How stupid could he have been? Was he trying to get caught, saying the exact same thing John had said earlier? She should have known Sean was just not suited to being a sneak and a liar. Sean had too much of the moral integrity that made it hard to practice.

Why did she keep asking if he would fight for her? It had never mattered before. Was she seeing him differently because he was so tall now? Because he was so close now? Maybe she was just responding to the way he kept interfering. She moved to the window to watch the water play on the beach below, the waves in the moonlight begging her to come out and walk into them, just keep walking till she met the horizon. But the beach probably wasn't safe at night. Someday, if she found the right person, they could walk there together. Maybe after this whole host thing was over she could go there with Sean. They'd have to renegotiate their friendship, but somehow they'd make it out together, right?

She stayed at the window watching the water, enjoying the way the moonlight created silver ribbons at the crest of the waves right before they crashed into the shore. She opened the window a bit and breathed in the sea breeze, imagining she was out in it, that it was safe to walk wherever she wanted whenever she wanted.

She spent the next few hours before sleep contemplating whether it was worse to stay inside your whole life or take a risk and go out and love someone.

### Chapter Four

Nicole woke up more tired than she'd gone to bed. The nightmares from years back had resurfaced, and stalked her more steadily every day. Maybe seeing Sean was bringing things to the surface. Maybe she should schedule with her shrink.

She walked into the kitchen for coffee and saw a note from her aunt by the sink. "Empty dishwasher. Tell Melanie hi if I'm not back from meeting in time."

Nicole sighed, picked up the note, and dropped it in the trash before moving to open the dishwasher. Before she'd moved more than a few cups, the doorbell rang.

Nicole set down the cup in her hand and ran for the door. She opened it and Melanie stood smiling behind it, looking like a younger, prettier version of herself. She held up her arms and pulled Nicole in tightly, gave her a casual kiss on the cheek that Nicole was too shy to return, and let go to look her over.

"You're looking great." Melanie said. "I like how you're doing your hair now. The curls are pretty."

"Just wish it was as pretty as yours."

"It's prettier, I think." Melanie touched her own, patting it down so it could spring back.

"Not possible," Nicole said, resisting the urge to touch it. "Come in. Let's not keep you out here on the porch."

"Thanks." Melanie said. "Don't mind if I do."

Settling on the larger couch, Melanie asked, "So what's new, Nicole girl?"

"Not much Mel. How's school?" Nicole reached behind her to pull the blinds down so the sun wasn't in Melanie's eyes.

"It's school," Melanie said. "I'm more interested in hearing about my famous writer cousin."

"I wouldn't say I'm famous."

"I will then," Melanie said. "It's more exciting. Are you working on a new book yet?"

"Yup, keeps me from going nuts worrying about the last one."

"I still think it's so amazing I have a cousin who is a writer."

"I think it's amazing that I have a cousin as cool as you are," Nicole said.

"Stop dodging."

"I'm not. Writing is my job. It's boring to talk about." Nicole yawned for emphasis. "How about boys, anyone interesting at Washington State?"

"Not really," Melanie said. "The freshman boys are really ridiculous."

"Yeesh, you make me feel really old. And I'm only twenty-six."

"Should I call you Aunt Nicole then?"

"No." Nicole scowled at her. "And you're right about freshman boys. Avoid them like the plague."

"I will." Melanie smiled. "The sophomore guys are hotter anyway."

"Stay out of trouble."

Melanie fidgeted. "It's tough though. Most people are drinking and partying."

"Just makes the curve easier to beat, right?" Nicole said, aware that Melanie was Christian and that posed certain issues at college sometimes. She'd tried college for a while, but she'd gotten homesick, and Aunt Mary had been lonely, and it had just worked out to move back in.

"I guess," Melanie said. "So what about you? Any loooove on the horizon?"

"No. Well," Nicole said. She tried to decide if it was wise to tell Melanie what was going on. "If I told you something no one else knows, that no one else can know, could you keep it a secret?"

"Sure."

"Cause if you can't, that's okay; I just won't put you in that position by telling you. I know you hate secrets."

"Not if they are about boys. Is it about boys?"

"Ish."

"Okay then. Good enough."

"Let's go up to my room." Nicole picked up a bag, and Melanie followed her to her room. They sat on her bed, side by side.

"I've been hiring male escorts." Nicole decided to put the worst out before she was too chicken to say anymore.

"You what?" Melanie said. "What do you mean?"

"What I said. I've been paying men to go out with me. Sort of."

"Like a prostitute? A gigolo?" Melanie sounded choked. "Nicole, I know you aren't very confident, but you are way too good for that."

"It's not like that." Nicole sighed and grabbed a pillow to torture on her lap, since this would be a hard conversation.

"What's it like then?"

"You know I have a hard time meeting nice guys," Nicole said. "Being attracted to them, anyway."

"Yeah." Melanie flushed. "It's not your fault though."

"No, it's just that I'm at the age where a lot of my friends are getting married, and I need dates to their weddings, but at the same time, just kind of need a break from relationships right now."

"I see."

"So I use a club where I can hire an escort to come be my date, no expectations, I don't have to worry about anything happening, I'm in full control."

"Control freak much?"

"Maybe," Nicole said. "At this point I'd rather have too much control than too little. And there are the books to think of, too. I need to stay focused."

"I can't complain there. Me and my friends are dying to see what happens in the next one."

"Blargh, driving me nuts. Makes me want to kill my characters off."

"Don't do that!" Melanie said. "My friends would disown me!"

"Fine, I won't then."

"I'm kidding," Melanie said. "But I see what you mean about focus and I can see why you are doing the escort thing."

"Thanks."

"As long as they aren't sleazy guys taking advantage of needy women."

"No, nothing like that at all," Nicole said, pressing her advantage with Melanie's approval to bring up Sean. "But that's not the main part of the secret."

"It isn't?" Melanie said. "Yikes. What's the rest?"

"Do you remember Sean?"

"Yeah, you used to talk about him all the time, especially after you first moved. Your best friend right?"

"Yes."

"And you've stayed in touch? Where is he now anyway?"

"Yes, we've stayed in touch," Nicole said. "I'm not sure where he is. That's the thing."

"Wait... what does this have to do with the escorts?"

"Oh well. Just that he doesn't approve," Nicole said, hating that she was going to dodge it after all. Coward.

"Ah," Melanie said. "And do you want him to?"

"No."

"Is he hot now?"

"I don't know, we just write."

"What?" Melanie gaped at her. "It's like a chick flick: it's a guy you were best friends with that you've been talking to for thirteen years—"

"Writing to—"

"And you haven't even seen what he looks like?"

"He doesn't have a Facebook."

"That's no excuse," Melanie said. "What's the problem?"

"It just never came up. We don't need that."

"I see." Melanie stared at her for a while, and they sat in silence.

Nicole didn't blame Melanie. There was a lot to think about. Nicole suddenly felt stupid and awkward for laying all of this at the feet of her young cousin who really didn't need to hear about her problems. She knew her aunt already worried about her, and didn't want Melanie in an awkward spot of knowing something they didn't and not being able to expose it if questioned. Oh well, if it got exposed, so be it; she'd rather weather that than have Melanie feel awkward or secretive around her parents.

"I'm sorry to put all of this on you."

"It's fine." Melanie put her arm around Nicole. "No, I'm actually really glad. You're always there for me, and I never get to hear your problems. It's actually a relief that you let someone in like that. It's actually kind of an honor."

"I'm not sure about that. But thanks for listening."

"So are you going to hire an escort this week? Can I see one?"

"Probably not, but I may be going to the club later, if you want to go."

"Really?"

"Sure. You just need to be discreet."

"Of course!" Melanie rubbed her hands together. "I bet they're all hot."

"I guess that's kind of the point, but there's a lot more to them than that," Nicole said. "They're nice guys, and they've already kind of become my friends. So you have to treat them well."

"Of course. I'm sure I'll be too nervous to do anything else."

"They have a way of making you feel really comfortable. Well, there's one kind of awkward, quiet one, but everyone likes him for it."

"What do you mean quiet?"

"Just not really what you would ever think of for an escort."

"How so?"

"Just kind of, reluctant. Not very flirtatious. Kind of gruff."

"Oooh, that sounds hot. I bet he'll be my favorite."

"Get in line. That's what all the other girls think too."

"So who is your favorite?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe Justin."

"What's he like?"

"Funny. Gorgeous. Blond."

"Of course." Melanie rolled her eyes back.

"Hey."

"Well I'll reserve judgment till I meet them all. What is the shy one's name?"

"Sean, no, John."

"What?"

"Sorry, whenever I say his name, it sounds so much like Sean, and that's a name I've said a lot, so it just comes out really easily."

"Speaking of awkward, do you do that in person?"

"Yeah, sometimes," she said. "It confuses people, but luckily, they are being paid to make me feel comfortable."

Melanie laughed. "True."

They both started at the sound of the front door downstairs. "Well, we better go down and say hi."

"Yup."

Nicole thanked Melanie for listening, Melanie brushed it aside with a hug, and they went downstairs together.

~ ~ ~

Later that night, as they got ready for the club, Nicole considered giving up makeup altogether. "I hate mascara," she said, reaching up to try to separate the spider-leg clumps in her lashes. "What is the point of spreading tar all over your eyelashes, directly next to one of the most sensitive parts of your body? Who came up with that?"

"I don't know, but I love it," Melanie said, blinking at the mirror with full, dark lashes. "You'll get the hang of it." She stuck the wand in the tube and pulled it out, turning to Nicole. "Would you like me to do yours?"

"No," Nicole said, shying away. "I already have too much on."

"Not too much, just clumped."

"Fine, well, I'm washing off and starting over."

"And then I'll re-do it for you."

"Fine."

Melanie went to change the song on her iPod, and Nicole washed off the mascara. "I didn't even know you had started wearing makeup," Melanie said, handing Nicole a face towel.

"I didn't," Nicole said, using it to gently dab away the water. "But I felt really stupid going to a club with gorgeous guys without any. You should see the other girls there. Really done up."

"You look great without makeup."

"I look better with it. A little anyway."

"Who doesn't?"

"Plus, it's like war paint."

"What?"

"It's like having your game face on. Like you know you are at your best, and when people look at you to judge you, you know you are at least using your physical beauty at its best."

"I know what you mean, I think. I hate running into people when my hair and makeup aren't done. People are so judgy."

"Yeah," Nicole said. "So if I'm going out to be around other humans, which, let's be honest, isn't as much as a lot of people, I like to be ready for as little criticism as possible."

Nicole rubbed a finger vigorously over some eye shadow that she'd blended badly. Stupid mucky paint.

"Nicole, a brush works better for blending."

"It does? But my finger is sturdier, and this stuff won't move."

"I know. Let me show you." Melanie reached in her bag, found a short, dense dome tip brush and brought it to Nicole's face. "Look down."

Nicole did and Melanie gently applied a little more shadow to each crease, a little more to each lid, and then used the brush to blend the two together in short, fast movements. When she was done she let Nicole turn back to the mirror.

Nicole looked once then shot closer to the mirror to investigate further. "How did you do that?" She pulled her lid down on one side to study it. "Amazing. It's like art."

"I guess makeup is. That's what my mom taught me anyway."

Nicole frowned. "I wish mine had been around to teach me."

Melanie rummaged in her bag.

"You know, but I like being pretty," Nicole said.

"Me too. I wonder why, it's not useful at all. Probably something about societal pressure to conform to rigid gender expectations." Melanie said.

"Stop being a psych major."

Melanie grinned. "Are you sure? I'll give you free therapy as my first patient."

"No thanks," Nicole said. "I've got one."

Nicole remembered the shrink her aunt had taken her to after the move. Not all therapists were created equal. That one had seemed too focused on turning her pain into symptoms so he could treat her. How can you make symptoms out of heartache? And how can you tell a thirteen-year-old girl to look into what's hurting her for the purpose of being cured? She was sure that he meant well, but Nicole didn't know how you were supposed to cure a disease caused by someone else's behavior. It was like asking a mouse in a trap to lift the metal squashing his head and get out, so people didn't have to listen to his squeaks anymore.

Nicole tried to avoid the emotions accompanying the memory, because she was worried her one eye would start crying. Then they'd have to re-do all of her makeup again. Stupid one eye. The rest of her face would be totally fine, and tears would just fall slowly, like she'd sprung a leak in her wall of denial.

"Hold on a minute," Nicole said, pulling away, leaving the room to dab her eye in private.

"Are you alright? Is the mascara bothering you?"

"No," Nicole said. Life bothered her. A life she'd never seemed to fit into, a life that hadn't seemed to want her much. "Sorry."

"That's okay." Melanie picked up the wand again, and Nicole looked up automatically.

"Can you look down now? I need to do the bottom lashes."

"Oh. Thanks." Nicole did, and Melanie held her upper lashes out of the way. It felt intimate and uncomfortable, like a touch of unwelcome kindness that was just putting more pressure on the leaky dam. Nicole hated touch, it either felt so good it made you afraid, or it felt so bad it made you afraid. She felt itchy, knew that Melanie was her cousin, and a girl, and someone who cared, but still, fingers were fingers, hands were hands.

Nicole had always felt somewhat like a mirror, someone who reflects back to others more of what they really were inside. She felt she brought out the caring in caring people and darkness in dark people, so being with someone like Melanie was nice. But Melanie's kindness, her tenderness, were making her wary, and she found herself wanting to get to the club where she could sink into polite, anonymous banter with the others. Really, she wanted to be alone with her laptop, to write or surf the Internet or just think without the feeling that someone was trying to violate her.

"There," Melanie said.

Nicole looked at her reflection. "It looks great. Thanks so much. I need to change, can you wait outside?"

"Sure," Melanie said, looking a bit hurt. "Are you sure you're okay?"

No, Nicole thought. People being nice to me make me afraid of what they want from me. "Yes. I just need a moment."

"Okay," Melanie said, and she went out and closed the door behind her.

Nicole gripped the sink harder, staring into the mirror. She deserved friends and love. She went through the affirmation routine she relied on for relief. She smiled at the mirror, and the face smiling back at her reminded her that there was at least one person in the world who liked her. She could trust herself.

She went to her room, pulled open her drawers, and searched for an outfit. She knew it was weird to ask Melanie to go outside, but she didn't change in front of anyone, girl or not. Girls could easily end up as weird as men did, although they didn't seem as naturally inclined to do so.

At times, she wondered what made her stepdad like he was. What created a person like that, or what had happened to him to make him like that? Was a person born to hurt others, or hurt until that's all they knew to do? At least in her, that impulse had never come to fruition. Her experience with pain made her so loath to inflict it on others. She had a hard time even allowing pain for others, acknowledging that sometimes it was necessary and okay, because for her it had been overwhelming, crushing.

She pulled on clothing, not caring much what it looked like, and went to open the door for Melanie. Melanie was there waiting, and grabbed Nicole into a hug. Nicole winced, then locked the piece of her up that was screaming, and returned the hug. She tried to soothe Melanie, who looked like she was blaming herself for Nicole's depressive descent. No. Just talking about makeup. Talking about shrinks. Talking about anything that reminded her of how she was different.

Nicole knew there had to be many like her, many abused but not lucky enough to have an aunt that would rescue them and a cousin like Melanie. She hoped her books gave them happiness that wasn't threatening.

"Are you sure you still want to go out tonight?" Melanie asked, still holding on.

"Sure," Nicole pulled back. "I'm a little off tonight, but I can be a little off out at a club as well as I can be a little off at home." She gave Melanie a nudge towards her suitcase so she would get dressed. "Besides, it might make me feel better."

While Melanie picked out clothes, Nicole checked her hair in the mirror. Sean would be at the club. So much better than a letter or an email. She could sit with him and remember how much they had cared for each other back then. She could remember one person that never wanted to hurt her, and she could live in the hope that this adult Sean was just here to protect her, and not for any other reason.

Most of all, she could go out and be with friends, people who made the darkness seem darker but invited her into the light.

### Chapter Five

There was a way of seeing a woman that made a man feel like he's more than he was, and that's how Sean saw Nicole.

He enjoyed watching her with her cousin, a younger woman, with similar skin to Nicole, if a bit darker. The two were clearly related, with the same beautiful curly hair, dark skin, and big smiles. A rare amount of eye makeup lined her eyes, setting off the sparkle that always seemed to jump from them. Nicole's bone structure was a little different than Melanie's, more striking, maybe because she was in her mid-twenties while Melanie was only eighteen.

Nicole was being warm and friendly tonight, probably because she was with Melanie who was so helpful and supportive and curious about everything.

The two sat close, Justin on one side, Jason on the other. Sean sat on a neighboring couch, watching them play pool with the other hosts and feeling jealous.

"Ha!" Melanie said, sinking a ball. "Sorry, Justin."

"No!" Justin laughed and made an exaggerated pose of despair. "How could you Melanie! I thought you loved me!"

"You're such a cheese ball, Justin."

"That's right," he said, looking at the table for his next move. "Cut me up and serve me with crackers. I'm a total cheese ball."

The group laughed, including Nicole, and Sean pushed away any feeling of bitterness that she was laughing with another man and smiled with them.

"I'm in next game," he said.

"I thought you hated pool," Jason said, scowling at the table.

"I don't hate it," Sean said. "Anyway, I'm bored."

"There are a ton of girls here," Jason said. "Why don't you entertain one of them?" He exchanged knowing smirks with Justin.

"I don't want to," Sean said. "Besides, won't it ruin my appeal if I become eager?"

"True!" Justin said, trying to calculate an angle. "You're a fast learner, old man."

"Old man?"

"Yeah. Given by demeanor, not age."

Sean glared, and the others laughed. He was a bit tired of being called an old soul, of the expectations to always be mature, to do the right thing. Just because he was smart enough not to say or do stupid things, didn't mean he wasn't tempted. He was still a 24-year-old guy, and while he tried his best to be a good man, he was tired of others just expecting it. But it was hard to show anyone your human side when you were trying to impress a girl.

"So, John, tell me about your goals in life." Melanie said, dark eyes sparkling up at him. Why did dark eyes sparkle so brightly?

"Not much," he said. "Working here. A few plans outside of this. Top secret."

"Rude!" Melanie laughed. "Why can't you tell us?"

"Now, Melanie," Justin said. "You know it's not proper to get into the old man's business."

"Wow." Sean rolled his eyes. "Everything I do makes me an old man."

"If the boot fits," Nicole said, surprising everyone by jumping in. "Besides, you turned us down for pool when we wanted you to play. We're entitled to tease you about being an old man so that we don't feel immature."

"I see," Sean said. "Well, it's not like an odd number would have made sense anyway."

"I would have let you have my spot," Jason said. "No one here appreciates me anyway." He pulled his glasses down to glare at the girls and Justin.

"Please, Jason," Justin said. "We appreciate you. We appreciate that you make the funniest reactions when you get thwarted."

"That's right," Nicole said. "We appreciate how fun it is to thwart you."

Jason laughed, throwing his hands in the air. "Alright. Well I'm going to go mingle. The game is basically over for me, and Melanie's about to finish anyway."

"Really?" Nicole asked.

"You haven't even been paying attention," Jason said. He said his goodbyes and left.

Sean took the opportunity to move in on Nicole's left and sit by her. The couch was a half circle so that they could surround the pool table in front of them.

"Should I take his spot or just watch?" he said.

"Probably just watch," Nicole said. "It's almost over anyways, apparently. Besides, it seems like those two are the only ones paying much attention to it anyway."

"True," Sean said, looking at Justin, who was arguing with Melanie. They seemed to enjoy it.

"Want to play a different game then? Just with me?" Sean asked.

She nodded and followed him to the game cabinet.

"What would you like to play?" Sean pushed games around and found Sorry. "How about Sorry?"

"Sure," she said. "My best friend and I used to play this game all the time. In fact, he's the one that's a lot like you."

"It sounds like he meant a lot to you." Sean took the game out and started to set it up on a table away from the crowds.

"He still does." She took one of the pieces from the start position and rolled it in her hands.

"Whoa," Sean said. "So is this a love interest?"

"No. That's why he means so much. He's been the only one who hasn't tried to use me like that."

She looked beautiful tonight. He couldn't believe his best friend had grown into this woman. Her hair was shiny and curly and her face had sharpened with years. When she looked up at him her dark eyes seemed to twinkle. He realized she had said something important. "Wait, what do you mean men use you?"

Nicole hesitated for a moment. "You know. Men start out nice. They act like your friend. They treat you well."

Sean nodded. "Sounds right."

"But it doesn't last."

"What?" Sean asked. "Like they want to sleep with you?"

"No," she said. "That's not the bad part." She shook her head. "Wait, why am I telling you this? I have a shrink. I'm sorry."

"No, go on, I'm interested."

"You're nice." She smiled softly. "If they had just wanted sex in the first place, I'd have just blown them off and been fine."

He nodded.

"But they always start out good, and by the time they turn bad, I've started to love them and thought they loved me. It always turns out I was just someone they wanted to use, and they treated me well so that I would let them."

"I'm not sure I understand."

"I'm not sure I can explain it. It's taken years of therapy to even talk about it this way. I'm just messed up, I guess."

"It's not you," he said. "It's the men. Have men really gotten so bad?"

"The ones I tend to attract," she said.

"What about this childhood friend? You said he still meant something. Has he turned out to be bad?"

"Well, he isn't attracted to me. I think if I just stay friends with a guy, I'm safe."

"I don't think that's a kind of safe I would want."

"Well, what do you know?" She waved a hand at the club. "If you were normal you wouldn't be here right?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" He wished his thigh would stop twitching like it always did when he got tense. "It's a job."

"Kind of a weird job, don't you think?"

"Well you're here too."

"Fine. So I am," she said. "I'm trying to face my issues though. In fact I came from a shrink appointment today."

"How is being here facing your issues? Aren't you just avoiding the real world?"

"Aren't you just mister preachy today." She clicked her tongue. "Sorry, that was terse. I guess you're right. I am avoiding things." She sent him a side-glance that seemed to say something, though he didn't understand what. "At least the men here are honest. They are all men that are just hired out to date women. I won't get tricked here, and meanwhile, I'll keep working through therapy to see if one day I can pick the right guys, not the wrong ones."

He felt his throat constrict, wishing this wasn't going where it was going.

"I guess what I hate more than anything in the world is being tricked." She put her piece down at the start position and moved to shuffle the cards. "You know?"

Sean felt like ants were crawling in his underwear. Hearing that he was doing the one thing she hated more than anything in the world, and not being able to react to it was tougher than getting a three point headshot on a third degree black belt.

"I'm sorry you've been through so much," he said. "You don't deserve that."

"I know." She nodded. "Thank you."

"And we all like you a lot." Warmth crept up his cheeks and he hoped it didn't show. "I'm glad you're here. Maybe after a while here you can start to see what you want and how to look for it."

"So I should look for people who are like male escorts?"

"We aren't normal escorts, you know that," he said. He wanted to put a hand on her hand, because it was clasping her leg like she was in pain. But he didn't.

"I know," she said. "You're way hotter than normal male escorts." She smiled at him, and patted his hand lightly before moving away and grinning as if she hadn't.

That did it. He was sure he was full on blushing and she could see it.

"You're blushing." She laughed. "I'm kind of jealous. I never blush."

"You don't?" he asked. "Does it not show, or do you just not feel the warm feeling at all?"

"I feel the warm feeling, but I just don't. It must be my olive coloring."

She turned to watch Justin and the group at the pool table and let out a little sigh that made him jealous.

"Would you like to rejoin the game?" Sean didn't want the moment to end. He'd been feeling like it was their own little world again, like a bubble surrounded them.

"No," she said. "Not really in the mood tonight." She slumped back a bit on her chair.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," she said. "Sometimes I just have bad days. Today Melanie brought up the subject of shrinks because she's a psych major and it sort of threw me off."

"We all have bad days," he said. "But aren't therapists supposed to make you feel better?"

"So now you're an expert on therapists?"

"You're dodging," he said.

"I guess they should make you feel better," she said. "But they really dig in, make you think of things you'd rather forget. I guess it's a lot like lancing a boil. The poison gets out but it hurts like heck." She tapped her foot on the ground. "I guess talking today just brought memories back that I didn't really want."

"Really," he said. "What do you mean?"

"Haven't you ever had a time of your life you just want to forget, and so everything that reminds you of it puts you into a funk?"

"I can't say that I have," he said. "But I've known people who have. Very close friends who have been through some tough stuff." Again he felt like patting her knee, to sympathize, but didn't. "I'm sorry you've been through something like that."

"I guess it's made me who I am." She put her arms around herself. "I just wish someone could give me answers. Every time I go to therapy, they try to help me fix myself. Sometimes I feel how I did as a kid. I didn't cause the trouble, and I don't know how to fix it."

"I wish I had an answer," he said, wanting to somehow reach out and bridge the gap between them. Hold her in his arms like he hadn't been able to as a child. Cry with her, laugh with her. But he was lying to her. He was doing what she hated most, and right now he just had to watch her struggle and pretend he was okay with it.

"I know," she said. "I'm being so depressing. I think I'm just going to go for the night."

"Are you sure?" He stood. "I'm sorry if I've upset you."

"Not at all. I was flattered you were so interested," she said. "I hope we can talk again sometime. I'd like to schedule another date."

"Really?" he said. Then he remembered, a host date. She wasn't asking him to court her. Just escort her. "I'd like that."

"Me too," Nicole smiled. "I'll talk to Hope, you seem busy."

"Great. I look forward to it." But that wasn't true. Another date would be just another lie. "This time, if we see your ex, can I rough him up a little?"

"I'd rather you didn't." She hiked her purse up on her shoulder and waved goodbye to Justin and motioned for Melanie to join her. "I can take care of myself."

"Alright," he said. "I'll try to squash all chivalrous impulses." He shrugged. "Speaking of which, would I be fired if I told you to drive safely and have a good night?"

"No, that's fine." She smiled.

"Good. Drive safe. Make sure one of the guards walks you out."

"Will do," she said. She turned to give him one last half smile, put her arm around her cousin's shoulder, and disappeared through the double doors.

~ ~ ~

At the end of the shift, Sean entered the dressing room. Hope leaned against the wall with her date book in her hand.

"So Nicole just scheduled a second date with you."

"Great," Sean said, folding a shirt. "It's kind of awkward having you in the dressing room."

"No one else is changing."

Sean shrugged. "Did you need something?"

"Did you want to know the date of your date?"

"Sure."

"You don't seem that excited about it."

"What is there to be excited about?" Sean stuffed his clothes into his bag. "I'm tricking my best friend. She's going on a date with me as a male escort, not as me."

Hope sat on a small dresser and clasped her hands on a raised knee. "What were you expecting as an outcome?"

Sean stopped and glared at her. "I don't know. I'm stupid I guess. I wanted to keep her safe, but now I'm realizing I could really hurt her."

"Are you sure that's the problem? Maybe you didn't really do this to keep her safe. Maybe you did it to get a chance with her." Hope bit her lip and shook her head. "You might want to think that one over."

"It's a little late for that," he said.

"Maybe you should just tell her, and pursue her like a normal dude." Hope shook her head and put a finger up to her temple.

"She's never seen me like that," he said. "I guess it was easier to just assume she needed me, and that overrode everything else." He sat across from her and put his head in his hands.

"And now you see she's fully capable of taking care of herself," Hope said.

"I don't think anyone is," Sean said.

"Even you?" Hope asked. "It's okay to need someone. It's the epitome of arrogance to try to make someone need you while insisting you don't need anyone."

Sean felt her comment like a dagger. He thanked her and picked up his bag to head out the front door. He bypassed the elevator and took the stairs. He needed the thudding of his shoes, the steady balance of swinging arms, and the rush of hard breathing at the end.

He fled out the stairwell exit and stopped at the dark parking lot. Everything, from the glistening black pavement wet from a night of rain, to the black sky in the distance, seemed cold and unwelcoming. He didn't want to go to his car, didn't want to go home. Needed some time to think.

The whole situation had started getting overwhelming, like a video game where the screen moves and tries to crush you if you don't move fast enough. He thought of places he did want to go: The beach. The dojang. But both needed the car, and he just couldn't lock himself in with his own thoughts and no room to breathe.

Everything had seemed simpler, if lonelier, before. Calls on Sunday to the family, time at the dojang, reading at home, and of course Nicole's emails to assure him that he was involved in the world and had at least one friend. Sean crossed the street and walked in the darkness.

Why did he feel that Nicole wouldn't want him outside of as a protector? Hope said he should pursue her for real. But that seemed impossible. What would she be interested in? He crossed the street and headed in the direction of the nearest beach, which was still about five miles away. He wished it was colder, wished it would rain again.

Sean relished sensation, enjoyed being more aware of what was happening externally rather than internally. But between Nicole and Hope and their displeasure with him today, he felt like he couldn't keep his finger on his unraveling self-image without searching a bit for the loose thread.

He'd walked for hours when he finally came to a barrier that separated beach from road. He stepped over it easily. His feet sunk into the sand and he didn't care that his dress shoes would probably be beyond repair after this.

He walked until he had a good enough view of the ocean and sat down, watching it. He slowed his breathing, trying to calm his racing thoughts and feelings, and asked himself the main question of the night. Why had he done all of this in the first place? How selfish was he really?

He'd been bored. He'd been wondering how to take another step with Nicole. He'd been empty. But he could swear that wasn't all it was. He'd felt something, a yearning, an anxiety, when she talked about hiring a host. But was it really because she was unsafe, or because he felt slighted by being skipped in her options of guys? Perhaps he'd always used her as his ruler of what he wanted in a woman, maybe he'd always wanted to please her, and he'd done all of this as a misguided way to finally do that.

Another navy blue wave crashed on the dark sand. Sean looked up at the dark horizon and the roiling water beneath it. He felt soothed by the sound of crashing waves. There was so little he could control. Someone had once told him the only person you could control was yourself, and he was seeing that now. He needed to stop chasing Nicole and start working on himself. He'd given her too much power in his life. In some ways, no matter how he denied it, he was still that eleven-year-old boy begging to be the hero. Why would she want to be with someone like that, someone she couldn't respect? If he just took care of himself, tried to be as independent as she was, maybe he could develop a confidence that didn't depend on her. Then he'd really have something to offer.

He made a decision in that moment. To let her go, so that if she came to him it would be on her own. He pulled up a handful of sand and smiled at it as it fell through the gaps in his fingers. He would tell her everything, and then he'd give her space, emotionally at least. And he'd go to poker night with his friends next week.

Nicole was toweling her hair when she happened to look out of her window to the beach. She saw a man there, sitting in the sand. She looked closer, trying to decide if he needed help, or the police called. Homeless people didn't often find their way down to this beach, and there were plenty of shelters. Maybe the man was drunk, in which case he was a danger to himself near the ocean like that.

But as she stared at the man, a disturbed feeling came over her, and she could swear he was familiar. Nicole had sharp vision and that build and that hair were—no that was impossible. What was he doing here? Did he know where she lived too? Had he gone insane after she'd acted like such a crazy person at the club tonight? She ran her fingers through her hair, threw on a T-shirt and shorts, and headed downstairs and out towards the beach.

She nearly tripped on the barrier, but continued towards the man. As she got closer, she could see the man's shoulders rising and falling. Was he crying? No, laughing.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

The man turned to her, handsome and resigned in the moonlight, his face like the face Sean had the day she left him in Idaho.

"What are you doing out here? How did you know where I live?"

"I didn't. I was just walking," he said. His eyes moved from her to the road. "What are you doing out this late? It isn't safe."

"Oh, but it is for you."

"My hypocrisies in that area have already been pointed out tonight, thanks."

Nicole came closer. She wanted to just get everything in the open between them, just get the farce out of the way and talk as friends. "I know it's you, Sean."

He froze, and his eyes widened.

"I've known since the reception."

"How?"

"The way you smiled when you saw me." She sat by him and gave his knee a playful shove. "I'm sorry if you thought this was going to just go on and on, but you've always had a certain smile."

"I see," He leaned back on his arms. "It was a stupid plan from the start."

Nicole watched the muscles lengthen and his shirt stretch across his chest. His profile in the moonlight seemed carved in stone, all hard lines.

"I don't know about it being stupid," she said. "It was actually pretty well executed." She watched the ocean, happy to see the detail she usually missed from the window. "Now you can tell me how you ended up in Cali and why you did all of this."

"I'm sorry I lied to you," he said, not making eye contact.

She nodded. "I'm sorry I made it necessary."

"We've both been pretty stupid huh?"

"I guess so," she said. "Gosh, when we were kids, things were simpler, right?"

"At least we had each other then. At least we were honest," he said, pulling up sand and throwing it to the side. "It's easier to need someone when you're a kid."

"I'm not sure," she said. "I don't know if I've ever been okay needing someone."

Sean shrugged.

The ocean seemed like a shiny, wrinkled reflection of the sky. It tossed and she closed her eyes to enjoy sea spray on her eyelids. "I think I'm starting to want to depend on someone, but I don't know how." She opened her eyes and blinked. "Why did you do all of this? What did you hope to accomplish?"

Sean sucked in his cheeks and tilted his head to the side. "I was trying to figure that out myself tonight. At first I just wanted to protect you. But honestly, maybe I felt passed over when you decided to go straight from jerks to escorts."

Nicole felt a crease form between her brows. She shouldn't be surprised; maybe she'd known this all along. After all, why would a man go so far for her if he didn't want something?

"Before you accuse me of being like everyone else who is just trying to trick and use you, you should know that I never wanted anything in return for being your friend. It's not that I did everything because I wanted more. It's just that the more I'm around you, the more I want. But I can live without it, as long as we are friends. Can we still be friends?"

She nodded, her jaw tight.

"But I'm not going to chase you," he said. "And I'm not going to protect you anymore, not unless you ask me to."

That was new. So now he would abandon her? Simply because he wanted more than she did?

"There are things I've been neglecting," he continued. "Things that would make me a more well-rounded person, the kind of man that a woman would want to be with," he said. "I'm going to get back to those things, and stop trying to interfere in your life."

"I see."

"To answer your earlier question, I moved to Cali when Master Peterson wanted help opening a dojang here. It was a good opportunity, but I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want you to think I was stalking you."

She considered it, then nodded. "Will you still come to the club?"

"Yes," he said. "I've made friends there, and I think it's been a good learning place for me. Hope kind of confronted me tonight."

"Really?" Nicole asked. This new, honest Sean was easier to talk to and trust, even if he had just admitted to lying to her and wanting more from her than she was ready to give. But he was willing to go without it, even as he admitted he wanted it. That took bravery. More than she had ever had. Somehow he had become stronger than her. She wished she could be like him, so willing to want something you might never have.

"What did she confront you about?"

"What else? You." He buried both hands in the cool sand. "She thought maybe I was lying to myself about what I wanted."

"They knew?" Nicole asked.

"Yes," he said. "They found out when I acted weird around you on your first visit to the club.

"I remember that. You were so awkward."

"I know," he said. "I think the club is improving my social skills. Plus it might be a way to meet ladies."

She laughed. "I don't know if those are the ladies you want to meet."

"Ooh, are you going to pretend to be a woman who hires escorts to protect me?"

"Excellent idea, but no," she said. "I know you can take care of yourself."

"Touché."

They sat in silence for a moment, enjoying the sound of the waves.

"I love the ocean. I've always wanted to come out here at night," Nicole said.

"You live near here?" Sean asked. "Ritzy."

"My aunt does. No way could I afford rent here. I was shocked when I saw you out on the beach." Nicole thought of the other night, when she'd imagined walking on the beach with him. "Want to walk for a bit?"

"I walked all the way here," he said. "I'm too tired."

"Seriously? Can I give you a ride home?"

"You know, that'd be nice." He stood and brushed sand off his pants, and Nicole did the same. He turned to walk back to the street, but stopped when he realized she wasn't following. She was watching him, her arms wrapped around her.

"Sean, I'm sorry I couldn't give you the answer you wanted. I'm sorry I skipped over you. I'm just not ready." She looked down at the sand. "We'll still be friends after this, right?"

"Of course," he said, walking back to her. "In fact, I think we'll be better friends now."

"How?"

"We're being honest with each other, and we can see each other in person," he said. "I think that's how friendship is supposed to be anyway. It'll be like when we were kids."

"I see," Nicole said. She had needed to hear that. No expectations. She wobbled on the sand and he held out a hand. She almost turned it down, and then decided to grab it. It surrounded hers with warmth.

"Just like old times, right?" He grinned and pulled her along.

"I don't remember holding hands then."

"Well, we didn't have a beach in Idaho with treacherously soft sand."

She smiled and squeezed his hand. He squeezed it three times and she looked up at him curiously.

"You are supposed to do it four times back," he said. "Didn't anyone show you that as a kid?"

"No." She said. "Why three and then four?"

"Three is 'I love you,' four is 'I love you too.'"

She blushed. "That's silly." His hand was warm and large in hers and she felt proud that while she hadn't been able to say it back, she had at least been able to accept his feelings. They reached the road.

"It's late. I'll just go get my keys if you wait here. I'll just be a minute."

She unlocked the front door and slipped in, struck by how much had changed tonight. She hoped they would both be this mature with things tomorrow, when they both woke up alone with their own conclusions.

### Chapter Six

Nicole watched Sean laugh at one of Justin's jokes and noticed he had dimples. For some reason it made her ache a bit. Thoughts about being with someone like him tried to creep around in her head when she wasn't guarding against them. But a foggy feeling came soon after, reminding her that she was too damaged. Someone like him was not for her. She looked away from Sean and tried to wipe her mind to a clean slate, one that was only thinking of how to spend the next few hours with her friends and the gorgeous boys in the club.

It'd occurred to her, as she'd bonded with the other women, that this could be addictive. The feeling that these men cared for you, were interested by you, and wanted to be around you, no matter how you acted or looked. Sometimes she wondered if this was really helping her adjust to normal men or just helping her hide from them.

Someone said something that made the group laugh, and Nicole looked up, trying to figure out what it was and look interested so as to not give away that she'd been zoning out.

"What's so funny?" she asked.

"You missed it," a woman named Susan said, putting her hand on Sean's knee. "What did I even say that was so funny?"

"I don't remember," Sean said, putting his arm comfortably over the top of the couch where Susan was sitting. His large shoulders pressed against his purple dress shirt. "I think we're all a bit punchy tonight."

Justin put his arm similarly over the top of where Nicole sat. "I gotta say I'm glad you two came clean with each other. It's a lot more fun like this."

Nicole and Sean locked eyes for a moment.

"Yeah, it is," Susan said. "Gosh Nicole, how could you not know it was him? This gorgeous face?"

Nicole shrugged. "He's a lot bigger than he used to be."

"But you couldn't have guessed from the face?" Susan pulled Sean's face down towards hers.

Nicole's hands itched. She felt a vein on the side of her temple pounding. "Well I tried to, when I first saw him, but he lied." Nicole glared at Sean and he raised his hands.

"My bad." He bumped Susan's hair as he dropped his hands.

"Stop it, that tickles," Susan said. She pulled his arm down around her shoulder. "That's better."

Nicole watched Sean carefully. Why wasn't he blushing, or trying to move away from her? He simply left his arm there and let his eyes wander around the bar. Nicole didn't like this new Casanova Sean. But a moment later he excused himself to get a drink, which pulled him out of Susan's grasp. Nicole felt appeased, then angry at herself for caring what he did with other women. He could do what he wanted.

Sean headed for the drink bar, partly for a drink, partly to get away from Susan. Chuck, one of the longest running hosts, an average looking man with brown hair, was there.

"Can you hand me an apple juice?" Sean leaned on the bar.

"Sure." Chuck bent to pull one out. "Rough night?"

"You know it," Sean said. "You know, you could be a bartender with how you read people."

"I know that if someone wants something stronger than what they usually get, they are probably trying to avoid something. And you always get water."

"Water is good for you."

"So is juice."

"It's all sugar."

"You want that apple juice or are you going to whine about it?"

"I want it," Sean laughed.

Chuck shook his head. "Alright. Well, I'm going get back to my ladies."

"Thanks again, Chuck," Sean said. He walked back to the girls with his juice, feeling like a little kid as he tried to poke the tiny straw through the hole. He sat on a different couch facing the women because he didn't want more awkwardness with Susan. He didn't want Nicole to think anything was going on there. He frowned. He needed to not worry about that anymore.

"Thanks for asking if we wanted something," Nicole said, folding her arms and leaning back against Justin.

"Sorry," Sean replied. "Would you like something? I'm used to you asking if you do."

"Well, I'd like a juice, Justin," Nicole said, brushing Justin's knee with her hand. Sean glared at the offending knee. She should be brushing his knee. He mentally slapped himself for wanting it.

"It would be my pleasure." Justin stood and saluted.

"Drama queen," Sean said. "Seriously how can you guys stand so much cheesiness?"

"And when did you become the expert on what women want?" Justin asked. "You stop tricking one for a few days and suddenly you're Casanova?"

"Maybe I'm just a natural," Sean said, finishing his juice. "Don't be jealous."

Justin laughed. "Okay. I'll try. It'll be hard though, seeing as you're so smooth and worldly now." He left, and coughed something over his shoulder that sounded like "virgin".

Sean nearly spat out his juice, but managed to keep it in his cheeks.

"Did he just say virgin?" Susan asked, "Sean—"

"He means our drinks," Sean said, pushing the ottoman further from the couch. "They're all virgin."

"I don't think that's what he was saying." Susan said, scrutinizing Sean.

Sean avoided her eyes. They were pretty, a light amber brown, but Sean preferred a deep root beer color that sometimes looked almost black. He looked over at the root beer eyes to see how they were taking this conversation.

"Sean's religious," Nicole said, focused on her bracelet, only looking up for a second to gauge how Sean was doing. "Leave it alone."

"A religious male escort?"

"Hey," Justin said, coming back with his drinks for himself and the girls. "We aren't prostitutes."

Susan put up her hands defensively. "I'm not saying you are. Would your church really be okay with you working here?"

"Why wouldn't they be?" Sean said. "There's nothing wrong with it."

"I guess," Susan said, sitting back with her cheeks in her hands. "It seems kind of against principle, selling your attention."

"Are you saying we're immoral then?"

"No!" She laughed. "I guess it's just a very liberal thing to do, and well, liberal isn't the first thing I think of when I think of church."

"Ah," he said.

"So is it one of those things where you can't have sex before marriage?"

"I don't want to have sex," he said. "Not until it's in the right place and the right time. Which I feel is married." Sean scoped the room, making sure others hadn't yet tuned into the conversation. "Anyway, Hope would kill me if she knew we were having this conversation. Let's change the subject."

"I agree," Nicole said. "Leave religion out of it. I'm here to have fun tonight."

"I think finding out that a super hot guy, who works at a host club, is completely surprising in his views on sex, is fun," Susan said. "I mean isn't it ironic, that he's liberated enough to work here, but stuck in the Stone Age when it comes to sex? Seriously, I'd like to just put him on a shelf somewhere, like a trophy or some kind of relic or oddity."

Sean glanced at Nicole, who looked like he felt, nervous and bored.

Justin returned with their drinks. "Should we play a game?"

"No," Susan said. "I'm enjoying talking."

"You mean pestering Sean," Nicole said, nudging her friend in the ribs.

"I'm not pestering. I'm just curious," Susan said. "Besides, I'm the one paying here. The least they can do is answer a few questions."

Sean shrugged but Justin snorted.

"We are still people. We still get to decide what we want to answer," Justin perched on Nicole's chair but didn't touch her. His pretty face took on a cold, sharp quality.

"Sheesh," Susan said. "What would you like to do then?"

"Board games?" Justin said, giving them all an evil smile.

The whole group groaned and shook their heads, then, seeing each other's reactions, laughed.

"Okay what would you all like to do then?" Justin asked.

"Not board games," Nicole said. "Someone always gets picked on."

"And that's probably not a good thing considering someone is already touchy tonight," Susan said, jerking her head toward Justin.

"Aw, Susan." Justin stretched and yawned. "I'm not the one sulking because I don't get to ask more awkward questions."

Her eyes narrowed, and a little line appeared on her forehead. "I don't like this," she said, standing.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Justin said, quickly moving to extinguish the fire. He put an arm around her shoulder. "I'm sorry Susan. That was out of line. If you promise not to rat me out to Hope, I'll let you choose the game."

Sean looked over at Nicole and shrugged. She smiled back at him and shook her head. Moments like this were worth everything with her. He sighed and chewed his juice box straw and wondered if just being her friend could really be enough for him.

### Chapter Seven

The doorbell rang, and Nicole looked out the window to see Sean's Jeep outside. She grabbed her earrings from her dresser. She put them in and rushed to the mirror for a final look at the finished product. It was interesting how going out with an escort still felt like a date, still led to a lot of excitement and anticipation, still made her feel giddy and nervous to impress.

She was pushing down the back of her underwear on the way down the stairs when her aunt coughed. Nicole realized Sean had been let in while she'd been making him wait, and was now looking at her agape.

"What are you looking at?" she asked, straightening her shirt. "Can't a girl get some privacy?"

"Maybe you should have looked around you before you started something that needed it," Mary said.

Sean averted his eyes. She couldn't tell if he was blushing.

"I'm sorry Nicole, but it's hot out there. I didn't think you'd want your guest left on the porch." Mary came around and sat by Sean on the couch. "Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?"

Nicole put a hand on his shoulder. "This is Sean."

Mary's eyes popped wide open, her whites stark against her dark eyelids. "Are you serious? The Sean?"

"Yes," Nicole said. "We met up again."

"And you didn't tell me?"

"Well we haven't been crossing each other's paths much lately."

"True, I've been busy, but... " Mary looked Sean up and down, circling him. "Seriously?"

Nicole stifled a chuckle at how confused Sean looked. He was doing a good job of hiding it, but she'd seen it enough times at the club that she couldn't be fooled.

"This is the kid who was sitting on the curb when you left? Girl you better get on that!" Mary gave Sean a quick hug. "Thank you for always being such a good friend to my niece. I'm sorry she can't see what a dish you are."

Sean didn't know what to say to that. He gave her an awkward pat on the back, opened his mouth a few times hoping the right thing to say would come if he did, but nothing did.

"Do you like older women?"

"Er."

"Sean, she's just messing with you."

"Am not. I know a dish when I see one." Mary headed into the kitchen. "What would you like to drink?"

"We should probably head out," Sean whispered. "This is awkward."

"I know," Nicole said. "Just give her another few minutes. She'll calm down."

They sat and Nicole took the moment to look Sean over. He wore a polo shirt, white with light blue stripes that matched his eyes. His tan looked incredible in it. They'd probably have beautiful babies together if it ever went that way.

He looked good in jeans, muscular, wearing a baggier style. Not the woman-jeans she saw so many men squeezing themselves into. He had casual shoes on, something to walk in that didn't look nerdy like a running shoe. She laughed remembering his fashion as a kid. Then again, who was fashionable as a kid? Probably only people even more messed up than they were.

Sean snuck a glance at the kitchen. "She's acting crazy. You'd think you'd never brought a guy home."

"Well."

"What?"

"Well I always kept the guys I dated away from my aunt. Went to their place, had our own place, etc. I just didn't want her to meet them."

"Why?"

"I didn't want her to look at me differently. Not that she didn't see the fallout and support me when things went wrong with the guys, but I didn't want her to see for herself how plain it was that they were bad and think I was stupid for not seeing it."

"That makes sense... in a weird way," Sean said. "Then again, that's how you always made sense."

She gave his arm a little punch, and he laughed and rubbed it.

Mary came in with a tray and a pitcher and several glasses.

Sean took it from her. "Allow me."

"Don't mind if I do," Mary said, handing it over and checking Sean out again. "I like this one, let's keep him around."

Nicole put her hand over her face for a moment, but removed it when Sean set her drink in front of her. He put another next to her where he'd sit, and another on the table by the sofa. Mary sat.

"Am I missing something here?"

"He's just a friend," Nicole said.

"I'm sorry for springing my visit on you like this," Sean said. "Nicole and I are just going on a double date with her friends."

Nicole narrowed her eyes at him. How dare he contradict her? But she couldn't really tell her aunt she was paying him to go out with her.

Mary glanced at Nicole. "No problem. Friends of Nicole are always welcome here. Plus it's about time I met one of her men."

Sean checked his watch. "Time to head out, if we don't want to miss them." He stood and held out a hand. She didn't take it and stood on her own. He opened the front door, and then gave her aunt one last smile and wave. Nicole walked under his arm out the front door.

"You two take care. Be safe," Mary said, finishing her lemonade and cleaning up the tray.

"I'll take good care of her," Sean said, pulling Nicole, who was bristling at his comment, along with him to the Jeep. He heard Mary laugh as he shut the door. When they were close to the Jeep Nicole snorted and pushed away from him.

"Stop it," she said. "What's gotten into you?"

"I don't know what you mean," he said.

"You had to correct me in front of Aunt Mary," she said. "I don't know that I'm very happy with your services today."

"I hate to break it to you, but we really are on a date." He opened his door, got in, and unlocked hers so she could do the same.

"You know what I mean," she said, opening the door and measuring the space between her feet and the step up to the Jeep, wishing she wasn't wearing a pencil skirt. "You know I'm an independent person."

"I do."

"I take care of myself." She tried to hop in, but her foot wouldn't hit the step without feeling like her skirt was about to rip. She hoped he hadn't seen her just then, and readied for another attempt.

"I know," he said. "But it's the normal thing for a guy to say to a family member when taking a woman out. And I think it got us out of there before it could get more awkward." He sighed. "Will you just let me help you with that?"

"I can manage." She put her hands on either side of the doorway and lifted till both knees touched, but then realized there was no way to bring her feet around after.

Sean had had enough. He opened his door and got out and came around to her side. She made a strong last attempt to get up, but was stuck on her knees when she felt him set an arm around her knees and her back and lift her up.

"What are you doing?" She struggled for a moment before he plopped her in her seat.

Sean laughed. "Come on Nicole. If you'd fallen you'd have ruined your outfit for your date." He got back in. "Besides, you rescued me before. Aren't you going to let me return the favor at all? Turnabout is fair play you know."

"Well, you needed it." She snapped the seat belt into place and stared out the window away from him. "And I don't. I would have gotten in on my own."

"Well my bad," Sean said, putting the Jeep into gear. "But I couldn't wait for your antics to make us late. Plus your aunt was watching."

"Oh no, then she saw you, she saw, dang it." Nicole pounded the window.

"Just don't think about it," he said. "Let's just go have a good time."

"If that's possible when you are being so pigheaded," she said. But maybe it was just that he wasn't staying in the box she'd built for him, and she didn't know what she could do about it.

"Hey, you hired me," he said, turning the wheel to pull away from the curb. "I didn't promise to act like a baby. I promised to be your date. Maybe next time you should specify in the contract that you want me to not be a gentleman."

"Fine. I will."

"Or, you know." He palmed the wheel. "You could just ask me to hang out with you as a friend, rather than scheduling a date with the club."

The ride was silent for a few minutes while Nicole processed this. Could she really just hang out with him outside of Club Blue entirely? No, that was dangerous. If she wasn't controlling the situation, couldn't the friendship end up ruined? At the same time, if he was going to insist on acting like this on their dates, maybe it was the better option.

"Maybe I will sometime," she said. "If you behave."

"I always behave," Sean said, giving her knee a pat and one handing the wheel to turn. "I just don't always behave the way you want me to." He put his other hand back on the wheel and relaxed on it. "And I think that's a good thing."

Nicole scratched her head and wondered if it really was.

### Chapter Eight

Several weeks later, Sean left his house aware of the smell of rain. It smelled of wet dirt and leaves, like the earth was sweating after a shower, the earthy smell was clean and inviting. Distant thunder added to his pleasure as he drove to the dojang. The rhythm of the wipers lulled him. He didn't want the drive to end, and took an extra loop around the block, humming along to the radio because he could never remember lyrics.

Inside, the sound of the rain against the glass door and windows was a good consolation prize for the loss of the rain smell, the trade for the dirty, hardworking martial arts student smell.

He moved to his desk, dropped his bag to the ground, and started sorting through the mail and fliers piled there. Bills, invoices, one letter of resignation from an instructor who'd become too busy with college and left months ago. Some of the instructors weren't much younger than him. It was weird to think of the different position he was in, one he'd been neglecting by going to the club. He dropped his face into his hands and kneaded his forehead. Being here, where he was expected to have so much authority, so much responsibility, made him feel ashamed of his activities at Blue. Made him feel like an irresponsible, selfish child. What had he been thinking?

He sat up and turned his chair to the window, listening to the drone of the rain. A few months ago people had liked him. Even without the host club, he was an interesting person. He was driven. He wasn't constantly focusing on someone other than himself.

He stood and walked to the glass door to look at a flier one of his teachers must have put up. It announced the Cal State open. Before the club, he'd lived for competition. Though he was old by some people's standards for competing, he knew he was still quick enough to try for it, if he started practicing now. And it could take his mind off Nicole while she sorted things out.

Dang, two months. This is going to take more time at the dojang. He thought of the club. He studied the flier again, thought of the club again, and made a decision. He pulled out his cell phone.

"Hi, Hope?" he pulled out his date book with the other hand to mark the day of the competition while holding the phone with his shoulder to his ear. "I'm going to need some time off."

Across town, Nicole considered calling Sean over. Rain splashed against the living room window and she wanted to go out and walk in it. She decided to go out alone, and slipped into a swimsuit and T-shirt. The water would be frigid, but she was used to it and knew how long she could stay in. A raincoat or anything that kept her from getting wet was out of the question. Getting wet, feeling the tiny pinpricks of the rain like little kisses from falling stars, was the whole point. Occasionally, she'd wear a hat if it was hard to see in front of her, but not today. Just a swimsuit to solve the see-through issue of wet T-shirts and shorts so that she could swim if she liked. Swimming in the ocean was divine. Rising with the waves while watching the tiny pinprick ripples creating polka dot rings around you, with the little plop-plop rhythm that accompanied them, was the closest Nicole could get to heaven. If you included a beautiful, grayscale horizon with moody clouds to watch as well... well... that was cosmic.

Looking out on the ocean was a lot like looking at the stars, except that the ocean with its turmoil and rolling beauty was more frightening and real.

She walked out with bare feet, skirting lightly across the road, happy for such close beach access, and hopped the small barrier that separated the road from the beach. Her feet sunk into moist sand, cool and soft like cookie dough from the fridge, and she sighed and wiggled her toes for a moment. She sat on the barrier and put her face into the rain, opened her mouth to catch a few drops on her tongue. It wasn't very clean, but germs built up antibodies right? She laughed thinking of Sean's disgusted face if he saw her.

He also wouldn't approve of her going out on the beach alone, probably. If she'd called him, he would have come. But would he have come because he wanted to, or just for her safety? She could only remember the last night they'd had here, where he'd squeezed her hand and looked into her eyes to say he wanted more but could go without. She popped off the barrier into the sand again and walked on the beach. She stopped twenty feet from the edge of where the waves stopped dampening the sand with long, flat, deformed hands and she sat down.

A good distance away, a man in jogging clothing walked a dog. She wanted an excuse not to talk to him and wished she'd brought a book.

She planted her hands deep in the sand and closed her eyes for a while, enjoying the rain and her own thoughts, which tended in a disturbing way to Sean and wishing he were here with her, where they could make out in the—no, that wasn't right.

She stood, stripped off her T-shirt, and headed out into the waves. They weren't very high or white capped, so she felt they were safe. She closed her eyes against the shock of cold water that hit her like a wall of needles before her skin began to numb. She was floating pretty far out, in water a little too deep to have her toes touch even on the downward sweep of the waves, when she heard splashing behind her and opened her eyes. She looked back, and saw the man she'd seen previously swimming towards her. Oh no. Not here at the beach. Why couldn't men just stay away?

She stayed where she was because any further out wasn't safe, treading water and wondering what he wanted, how to deal with this. Her jaw shook from the cold but she held it taut. If needed, she could duck under and hope to surface somewhere safe and far away from him, but going that deep was asking to get caught in a riptide if there was one. So she just waited, and watched, and tried not to show her fear on her face as he got closer.

When he was nearly close enough to touch her, he stopped.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes," she said, treading water away from him. "Why?"

"You're really far out. And it looked like you were in a riptide."

Nicole looked around her, then back at the shore, noticing that it had certainly gotten farther away while she'd been focused on the swimmer, freaking out and wishing she had called Sean to come with her.

"I'm fine," she said. "Sorry to worry you." She scanned the beach. "Is your dog okay?"

"Oh yeah, I just tied him up to the barrier real quick." He frowned. "I should probably get back though."

"Me too," she said, noticing the man was still in his T-shirt. He must have been panicked. "I'll swim back with you."

"That'd be great," he said, his eyes lit up.

She tucked her head between outstretched arms to bodysurf the rest of the way to the beach. She landed where the water was a few feet deep and stood, walking from the waves and wiping water from her face and hair. She was still twisting her hair when she saw him bodysurfing in as well. She walked out and picked up her towel to dry off. When she had gotten most of the water, she pulled on a T-shirt and shorts. She heard a dog whine.

His owner stumbled out of the water, shaking and ringing his clothing. He walked up to her.

"I'm glad you got me in," he said. "That was a lot of fun."

"Can I pet him?" Nicole said, nodding towards his dog. "If he's not too mad at me that is."

The man grinned. He looked to be in his late twenties, brown hair, blue eyes, and slender build. Average. "Sure, but he doesn't shake hands with strangers, so I'll need to know your name."

Nicole's stomach started to twist. She didn't know anything about this man. But she figured even Sean would have to approve of this guy. He'd swum out to save her, hadn't done anything ungentlemanly. Wasn't this the type of guy she should go for? Wasn't that the whole point of learning how to be around good men at Club Blue?

"My name's Nicole," she said. "I live over there," she pointed at her aunt's house, then instantly wished she hadn't. What if he was a serial killer?

"I'm not a serial killer," he said. "Don't worry." He untied his dog's leash and rubbed his head.

Nicole thought he must be right. Wouldn't an animal sense something like that about a person? Maybe that was an old wives' tale.

"My name's Ben," he said. "Butch, this is Nicole. Shake."

Butch put up his paw and Nicole shook it, smiling. "He's such a good dog."

Butch seemed to understand her and preened. Then nudged Ben's pocket, and whined. Ben smiled and drew out a tennis ball that must have been a favorite from its wear and tear.

"If I play catch with Butch for a while, you aren't going to disappear on me right?"

"I make no promises. It's getting colder out here."

"Would you even be out of the water now if I hadn't interrupted you?"

"Probably." She grinned. "I'm not stupid. But I can stay and watch for a bit."

"Great," he said. "I'd love to take you for lunch after, if you'd like."

Nicole didn't know what to say. She didn't feel ready to date, but if she openly trusted bad guys, and then let her trust issues stop her from going out with good men when they popped up, what was the point? She wasn't ready for Sean. Maybe this guy would be a good middle step.

"Lunch would be great," she said, smiling and taking a seat on the sand to watch Butch. She only felt slightly traitorous, slightly nervous, but she put it down to simply caring too much about what Sean would say about this. Darned if you do, darned if you don't. Still, she took out her phone to text:

"Got a date. With a good guy this time. Great, huh?"

The beachfront cafe Ben took Nicole to was undeniably posh, and Nicole looked around the clean, teal colored room with its hardwood floor and delicate iron wrought tables. The waitress, a pretty blonde with pale skin set the menu down and Nicole ordered a tofu grill.

Their food came, he ate, she picked at hers, and he droned on about something that didn't interest her. Nicole looked past Ben out to the ocean and wondered how you could be on a date with one man, and be thinking about another. She knew she should be interested in what Ben was saying, but she kept seeing a pair of disappointed blue eyes in her mind whenever she blinked.

Ben's eyes were blue, but they weren't vibrant. They were that generic blue, a little bit of gray, and a little bit of yellow around the middle. But it seemed like everyone wanted to think his or her eyes were special and unique. Just like a person with blue eyes would take care to describe the color of the middle, the outer, and the inside ring, a person with dark eyes would be sure to tell you that their eyes were more of a chocolate, or doe eyed, or amber, and also point out a different colored ring.

"So then I graduated."

Crap. Nicole didn't know what to say and she could tell by the way Ben looked at her over his glass with expectant eyes that he'd said something of note, something that warranted response. The recurring question, pretend to have heard and take a lob shot at a response? Or just tell them you zoned out?

"Wow." Nicole chose the former.

"I know." Ben set his glass down. "Some people don't realize how hard it is to just finish up and leave, especially with pressure from your parents to get a different major."

"I haven't finished, myself," Nicole said.

"Well there's time." Ben puffed out his chest and stretched, then leaned back in the chair. "You're still young."

"I'm not planning on finishing college. I like writing." Nicole studied his face. Not a very handsome face, nothing really wrong with it either. Big forehead, perma-smirk. Nothing like Sean, with his watchful, hesitant eyes, and slow smile. A smile given to her easier than anyone else. Ben was pale, too. His skin was a bit yellow almost. His lips were thin, dark pink. His nose was a bit too thin, too long.

"What would you like to do next?" he asked, waving down a waiter for the check with clumsy hands. Hands that didn't seem to be completely controlled, almost like the nerves only went to the second to last knuckle. She hated clumsy hands.

"Um." She looked around the restaurant for a clock, even though she didn't have anything to do. She rummaged in her purse, but no luck finding her phone. "What time is it?"

"Why? Somewhere you need to go?"

"Yes," she said. "My aunt is expecting me."

He took his card from the check holder. She bet that if she looked inside, she'd see a tip that wasn't huge but made him feel like a high roller.

"Thank you for lunch," she said, standing and trying to avoid the arm that he tried to place on the small of her back. She was unsuccessful and he placed it there firmly to lead her out of the restaurant. She switched her purse to the other shoulder in an attempt to knock it off, but his hand stayed, and it was getting sweaty as they walked down the boardwalk back to her aunt's home.

He hadn't done anything wrong. He'd been a perfect gentlemen, taken her to lunch, hadn't said anything untoward. She looked at his face. Not so pompous, just average. Perhaps she had simply been trying to find flaws with him because of her own shame in thinking about Sean. Perhaps good guys just didn't appeal. All of her senses told her to ditch him and run, but she didn't trust her senses anymore. They had given the okay on people like Jake.

"Can I get you an ice cream?" Ben asked, finally removing his hands and sticking them in his pockets. He nodded at the stand behind them. "No harm in that right?"

"Sure," she said, laughing. "I'm sorry if I've been guarded."

"That's okay," he said. "I'm a stranger who freaked you out from the moment I swam out on the beach, then talked you into lunch as soon as you could change." He went to the stand and ordered two cones, both strawberry. He didn't ask what flavor she wanted.

"Yeah," she said, accepting the cone. "And I'm pretty picky with guys."

"Really?" he said. He watched her take her first lick with suddenly hot eyes. "Didn't take long to get you to say yes to me."

"I'm trying to change my ways," she said, pausing because it was uncomfortable to be watched while licking something.

"Want to go sit on the beach and finish these?" he asked, pointing to the other side of the barrier.

"Sure," she said. She led the way, stepping over the barrier easily. She almost laughed when he nearly lost his cone doing the same.

Moments later, though, when he dropped his cone in his lap while trying to sit down, she couldn't help it, it burst out and she covered her mouth. And for just a second, he looked absolutely venomous, like he wanted to take her head off. But in a split second that was gone and his smile was back and he laughed with her. But just that flash was long enough to get her adrenaline running. He's not your stepdad, she reminded herself. Just because he's angry, doesn't mean he'll hit you.

In truth their lunch had been more like dinner time-wise, and now the beach was a beautiful wash of sunset hues, the sand taking on a red hue, the sun sending orange flames over the waves lighting up their crests as they rose and fell. The birds were making haunting noises in the distance as they flew low over the water, and the sky was like a Mai Tai, orange and red bleeding together.

"Captivating, isn't it?" Ben asked, his eyes taking on a purple hue in the light, his lips pressed together as he tried to wipe the rest of the ice cream from his crotch. He'd thrown the rest of the cone in the sand. But he wasn't looking at the sunset. He was looking at her.

"Yeah, I guess so," she said, feeling uneasy, rubbing her hands along her arms for warmth.

"Okay," he said, drawing with one finger in the sand. "It's you that's captivating. You look so beautiful watching the sunset. So caught up in it."

"Oh." She ran her hands over the hairs on her arms, enjoying the tickle. "I guess I do get a bit wrapped up in it."

"I think it's neat," he said, moving closer to her in the sand, till their sides touched. He put an arm around her.

She didn't stop him, though she wanted to. _I'm not attracted. Not attracted. This is gross. No, men like Jake and Kyle were gross. This man hadn't done anything wrong._ With that thought in mind, she tried to bear his arm around her. It felt like it was burning her skin.

He was going to kiss her. Not unusual on the first date, especially after how much time today they'd spent together. Most of which she'd been zoned out. And he didn't care. But maybe that's just how normal people date, she thought. When people don't hit each other or rape each other. Perhaps they just bore each other. The man talks and the woman pretends to listen (or perhaps the other way around) and then they engage in physicality that validates the experience and then they go home (but right before that they may decide whether to do it again). She sighed.

Ben seemed to take the sigh for one of impatience to be kissed and moved forward. His lips met hers and she felt clammy all over. Is this what it would be like to kiss a guy like Sean? She kept her mouth shut so that Ben wouldn't get ideas about frenching. He did anyway, so she opened, because his tongue pressing on her lips was probably grosser than his tongue would be inside. Wrong, so gross. She didn't make any effort to let him think otherwise. Went into dead fish mode. It was one she was familiar with, with her father. Except Ben wasn't really doing anything wrong. No, the wrong person was her, the one who couldn't feel the correct way about normal and good things. She had no idea whether Ben was unattractive because he was good, or because he was bad. She felt lost and overwhelmed and zoned out in her mind to the sunset, the waves, and it was like Ben wasn't there anymore.

Sean stood watching them, clutching his phone. The phone he'd been waiting for her to ask him out on. The phone that had sent him the text about dating another man. He'd tried to respond, tried to ask for more info, desperate to somehow feel involved in the situation. When she hadn't responded, he'd fretted. What if it was another dirtbag? He'd worked out. He'd waited. Then he'd driven to her aunt's house. When she wasn't there, he'd decided to head to the beach. He'd watched them sit down. Seen her beautiful curly hair dancing in the wind, stared at her for minutes along with the jerk beside her. Then the jerk leaned over to kiss her. Sean balled up his fist at his side and watched for any sign of struggle, any sign she didn't want it so he could go over and lay the guy out. But there was none.

He swallowed. Hadn't he always said he would want her to be happy no matter who it was with? If that was the case, why did it sting so much. Why did he feel like someone had taken a sledge to his heart? He waited till they broke the kiss. Forever.

Was that all it would have taken? Should he have just leaned in and taken what he wanted as well? He watched until they got up and the man walked her home, all the while in a sort of daze. Was this the good man she mentioned? He watched impotently as the man kissed her cheek one more time and squeezed her hand before she pulled away to head inside.

He let his head sag and walked back to the car, feeling two feet tall.

### Chapter Nine

The clinical white practice dojang had turned yellow with age, with large green mats on which partners sparred to the smell of sweat and the sound of plastic padded feet smacking Styrofoam chest covers.

Sean felt at home here, across from another man who wanted what he wanted. It would be decided fairly, by force, by sheer work and control. Sean wished everything was this simple, that you could get anything you wanted simply through work and perseverance, and being stronger than the other guy. He wanted to win. He wanted to forget what he'd seen at the beach the other day. He nearly accomplished it with a hard kick to the other guy's abdomen when the ref signaled the end of the match.

"Sean, control yourself," Nathan, his top teacher, said, taking Sean aside. "You're going to hurt someone, or get called for excessive force."

"I know," he said. "I hope I do."

"This is just a practice round." Nate waved at the ref and shepherded Sean away from the mat. The fight was over; he wasn't letting him back in the ring. "I don't care if you glare at me, I'm not letting you do that to the studio's reputation just because you are having problems."

Sean glared at him and pulled off his head protector and stomped outside, heavy footsteps echoing over the wooden floor accentuated by the quietness of the light footsteps of the other practicing fighters. No use looking at any of their faces as he left. Sean kept seeing the man from the beach in each of his opponents. He knew beating them would only get him closer to nationals, that it wouldn't make Nicole love him. He couldn't win Nicole by simply being good, the best even, but making the other guy crap himself seemed like a fine consolation.

The sun was bright in his eyes and Sean put a hand up. Ahead, across the street was a nice field, with some trees on one side, a good place to sit. Not caring that he was wearing his nicest white gi, not checking the ground to see if the grass was wet, he plopped down, then sank his face into his hands. He swiped an arm across his sweaty forehead, then used his gi when that didn't work.

The sky was blue, the grass was plush, and the field was wide and lined for soccer, with at least two separate playing fields marked out with painted white grass. Maybe he should have played soccer as a kid. What would he have done if Nicole hadn't said she'd liked martial arts?

Nothing probably. But what else about him would have been different without her? He looked down at his hands, which were calloused, his forearms, which were defined with muscles. In fact, without much concentration he could flex a myriad of muscles in his body, his thighs, his arms, his back, and his abs. All of that was probably from her. Perhaps good things had happened even for a bad reason. You shouldn't make yourself into something so someone else would like you. He'd heard that a million times since being little, but the people saying it must never have loved a woman and wanted to be wanted by her.

He picked up a piece of grass and played with it, looked at it carefully then split it down the center. He put it to his mouth and tried to whistle on it the way Nicole had shown him when they were little. He wondered if he should have just seen a shrink the minute that being a male escort for her had occurred to him. No, the shrink would have told him to give up, and that wasn't what he wanted.

He was a good guy. What had someone said once? The way to get over a woman is to get under one? Maybe they had something. The day was green and blue and shiny, the world meant to be lived in, and Nicole had chosen to do it with someone else. It was time to move on. He threw the blade of grass to the side and stood to go inside. Suddenly it occurred to him that he didn't know how to choose. He'd always had his eye on one woman, one person, like the only star in the sky to guide by. He'd been so busy all these years berating Nicole for her bad taste in men that he hadn't even considered that he himself didn't know how to choose a girl at all.

Then it hit him like a paper airplane to the side of the head, gentle and sharp. Ask Nicole. Let her help you the way you tried to help her.

She'll be jealous, a little voice said inside him. He knew it was probably true; she'd always had him to herself, and the thought made him a bit angry. So she was allowed to be with other people but he wasn't? He'd show her. He pulled out his phone and texted.

"Hi Nick. You never did tell me about your date. Also, I have a favor to ask." He sent the text and waited, and by the time her reply came, he was chewing one of the pieces of grass and not even noticing it.

"Hi. Date went well. I think he's someone you'd like. What's the favor?"

As if, he thought. "Can you help me find someone to date?" He pressed send and dropped the phone. He paced with his hands behind his back. He was staring at a particularly large tree and wondering how far he could climb up it now that he was twenty-four when the phone vibrated again. He dove for it like a starving man for a dropped donut.

"Sure!" it said. "This is huge for you! I'm so excited. Wanna meet up?"

Sean threw the phone at the tree. It plopped off the bark and landed in the needles and Sean palmed his face, walking over to survey the damage. He scooped the phone up and was relieved to see it still worked. He looked at the disappointing words, still on the screen, and sighed, sinking with his back to the tree, feeling it scrape against him and wondering if he'd damaged his gi. What had he wanted her to say? No, I won't hook you up with anyone. I want you for myself. What was this, a chick flick? He dug his fingers into his knees and exhaled. No, if that had been the case, she wouldn't have been playing kissy face on the beach behind his back. No, it hadn't been behind his back. She'd told him she had a date. He guessed that a kiss on the first date wasn't a breach of propriety. He stared at the phone for a long moment. Then texted "Sure. Where are u?"

He flipped the phone around in his hand, and felt a cool breeze wash over him, a sure sign that the afternoon was turning to evening. He stood to feel it all across his body. He took off his gi top to be cooler.

"Whoa there," a female voice said.

Sean flipped around to see who said it. A girl was crossing the street. A typical tae kwon do girl, tall, thin, in a gi. He supposed she was pretty, in a 'not Nicole' kind of way. He tried to force any thought of Nicole out of his mind to fairly evaluate this woman.

She came closer and stuck a hand out for him. She had round, frank green eyes, and a small mouth. Nothing like Nicole's almond eyes and wide, luscious—stop it! Sean tried to look normal. He leaned with a hand against the tree but came off balance and stumbled to the side. He caught himself with a hand on the ground, but it was too late to look cool.

The woman laughed. She held a hand out but he just sat on the ground.

"I'm already down. Want to join me?" he patted the grass by him.

"Sure." She plopped down. "You gotta warn a girl before you take that top off, that's lethal right there."

His heart sank. He was gross, huh? Should have warned someone before letting his sweaty—

"Don't look like that; I mean that you're hot."

He looked up at her, shocked, as his phone buzzed.

"You have a text." She pointed with a long finger. Sean thought he could get used to a tall girl around. She was nice. Made him feel better about himself than Nicole... wait... text? He grabbed the phone. He looked at the girl, who seemed a little disappointed that he was going to look at the text instead of talking to her.

"So you a competitor?" the girl asked, twirling grass between her fingers on the ground. "What's your name?"

"Sean Rollins," he said, chucking the phone down without checking it. "And you are?"

"Angela," she said, smiling at him. He liked her nose. It was straight, long, pretty. He looked down to her belt, noting with approval that it was black with two degrees.

"My face is up here," she said.

Sean looked up, about to explain himself but she stopped him. "I'm kidding. I know you were looking at my belt."

"Second degree huh?"

"Yeah."

"Training for nationals, too?"

"No, just here helping with reffing and coaching a student."

"Ah," he said.

"You?"

"Nationals," he said. "Why, do I look too old?"

"No," she said, scrunching up her nose. "I mean too old in the TKD world is different from too old in the rest of the world, except for maybe gymnastics, but I think you look fine. As you know."

Sean puffed up a bit. He wondered if he should puff down, but remembered Nicole had said that women like confidence. "Yeah, you aren't the only one."

She raised an eyebrow.

"I mean, my bare chest is basically a national threat. I thought I was safe out here and wouldn't put anyone at risk of fainting if I took off my shirt—but...well..." He shrugged, and she laughed, putting her hand over her stomach.

"How are you going to make it up to me?"

Gosh, was it this easy to talk to women? This one was basically lining it up for him to ask her out. He should have tried this sooner. Not whipping off his shirt in public, but maybe just... being friendlier.

"I don't know," he said. "Ice cream?" He stood and held a hand out to her. She took it and stood up. She was only a few inches shorter than him, putting her around six feet tall. He approved.

"That sounds like a good start."

"Great. I know a good place just down the street."

"Ice cream during training?" she said, putting her hands on her thin hips. "Scandalous."

"I know!" He said. "I'm a bad boy I guess."

"Ooh. I like that," she said. "Kind of a rare thing in TKD."

"Oof, really?"

"Usually," she said. She looked around the parking lot. "Which one is yours?"

"I thought we'd walk."

"In this heat?" she folded her arms.

"Hey, there's a nice breeze," he said, walking ahead and hoping she'd follow. "And remember, I'm in training. If I'm going to eat ice cream you have to help me work it off."

"Oh, I'm so down for that." She looked from his head to his feet.

He didn't know what she meant and her wink just heightened his confusion. "I can already tell you're adorable," she said. She grabbed his arm and pulled him along.

### Chapter Ten

Nicole looked out at the setting sun from her bedroom window, then down at her phone. It was growing darker outside and she felt slightly worried. She'd wanted a chance to talk with him about her date, selfishly wanted to ask for his help, so she'd been relieved that he'd asked something similar in return. Had he changed his mind? Was he now ready to date someone else? That was a huge step for him, and she'd been proud. Not jealous. Not jealous at all. She sighed.

She sat on the bedspread, admired how the blue looked steely in the setting sun and waited. The phone finally vibrated and she grabbed it, flipped it open, and froze.

"Too late! I found one."

Her shoulders fell. The room's silence hung around her. No excuse to talk to him now.

"Can we still talk for bit? I need advice."

"Sure. Is tomorrow good? My night just got tied up."

"Sure. Text me tomorrow." She sent the text and felt it wasn't friendly enough, so followed it up with one that said, "And congrats by the way. Have a good night." She closed the phone and lay back on the bed, pulling her laptop on to her lap and looking for something to do online. She felt lonely in a way she never had before. She looked at the phone, which sat silent on the bed.

Too late.

~ ~ ~

Sean was feeling good by the time he got home after dropping Angela off. She'd been easy to talk to, fun, and hadn't seemed to mind that he compulsively mentioned his best friend who happened to be a good-looking female. He sat on one of his stools, trying to pin down why.

She had looked at him like she wanted him. He liked her green eyes that turned brownish when you got closer. The way she occasionally touched his arm, casually, as if she hadn't meant to. Her only fault was that she just wasn't Nicole and nothing was going to change that. She'd seemed like she wanted to be kissed when he dropped her off, but when she'd leaned in, it hadn't felt right, and he had resolved not to use her as a rebound, tempting as that was.

Just being wanted was so nice. The clock over the sink said eight forty five. Not too late to text Nicole. He pulled out his phone. There were three texts, one saying goodnight and congrats, and one more asking if he was still up.

He texted back, "Yes, I'm home, did you still want to talk?"

He went to get ready for bed in case she said no. He was barely at his bedroom when his phone vibrated.

"Sure. Can you go online?"

He wondered if she'd ask about his date. He hoped so.

"Sure. I'll be on in ten," he texted.

He stumbled into the bathroom, pulling off his shirt as he went. He wanted to be all ready for bed in case she wanted to talk late, so he could just fall into bed right after.

He looked at himself in the mirror for a minute before washing his face. He flexed his abs, then turned around and flexed his back. Oh yeah, peak shape. If he kept dating Angela, he might actually have a woman seeing him naked soon. He eyed his reflection, horrified. He had no idea how to deal with that eventuality. He scratched his chest, then his head. He'd always sort of pictured that happening with Nicole, and only after they were married. He washed his face, enjoying the cold water and then the rough toweling off afterwards.

He sat on the computer stool, shirtless. He logged in and waited for his chat program to start up, then realized he was still in his jeans, so he got up and replaced them with soft flannel pajama pants. This was a good look for him, showing off his chest and abs, and he sort of wished they were video chatting. But maybe that would freak her out. Who was he kidding? He didn't know what would freak her out sexually, it was just sort of a general hunch that everything did.

A chat bubble popped up with Nicole's username.

N: Hi

S: That was fast.

N: Sorry. You still getting ready?

S: No, just finished.

N: Great.

S: So what did you want to talk about?

N: How was your date?

S: Good, how was yours?

N: Interesting.

S: Interesting? Is that good or bad?

N: I dunno. I'm not sure I'm cut out for dating normal guys.

S: What do you mean?

N: I don't know.

S: You seem down ;(

N: Is that a winky sad face?

S: No I meant to do a normal sad face.

N: Oh lol.

S: Yeah lame.

N: Tell me more about your date? I'd rather talk about that.

S: Not much to tell. She's nice. Met her at the dojang. She saw me take my shirt off and that caught her attention.

N: I would imagine

S: What do you mean?

N: Just that it would be sort of attention getting.

S: Why?

N: Oh come on Sean, you know you're a good looking guy. Stop fishing for compliments.

S: Boo, it was successful fishing too.

N: So, what's she like?

S: I don't know her that well yet...

N: Fine, what does she look like?

S: Like her face? Why are you so interested?

N: Like all of her. It's like your first date, why wouldn't I be?

S: It was not my first date. Brown hair, green eyes. Tall, thin. Maybe six feet, so I guess that might be part of why she's interested in me.

N: Part of it, probably. That's huge.

S: That's kind of rude. Tall girls are cute too.

N: Is she white?

S: What does that have to do with anything?

N: I guess nothing, forget it. Is she pretty?

S: Yes. I guess you would say so. I'm not sure how you are defining that.

N: Is she prettier than me?

S: What?

N: Never mind.

S: You sure?

N: Yeah I was just being stupid.

S: She isn't prettier than you.

N: Whew, good.

S: No one is. ;)

N: Ooh. Nice. Flattery will get you everywhere with me.

S: That wink was on purpose.

N: So she seemed interested? Do you have another date planned?

S: No.

N: What?

S: Why, was I supposed to already? I only just met her.

N: Usually you decide by the end of the date if you want another one. Poor girl doesn't know what she's getting herself into.

S: So if you are supposed to decide by the first date if you want another one, are you going out with your date again?

N: I don't know. He did ask though. He knows how to play the game

S: I'll just bet he does.

N: What is that supposed to mean?

S: Nothing.

N: Do you know something about him? Are you not telling me something?

S: I was just being sarcastic. Most guys know the game, don't they? Otherwise he wouldn't have gotten a first date with you.

N: Maybe I should try someone who doesn't know the game though. I think I'm tired of the game.

S: Really?

N: Yeah. I just don't trust my judgment

S: How do you mean?

N: Like, I feel yucky about this guy. Sorry if this is TMI for you, I guess you probably don't want to hear about my dates.

S: No I do, go on.

N: You are a good friend Sean. Better than I deserve probably

S: Anyway you were saying... ?

N: Why do you want to talk about it so bad? Trying to dodge the topic of your date?

S: Not at all. You can tell me what you want and then if you still have questions you can ask them

N: Okay. My instincts just don't really trust him.

S: Hm.

N: I know, my instincts have failed in the past. So I'm trying to trust him, to give him a chance

S: Don't trust him until he earns it

N: Is there a point to trust if it's only earned?

S: Good point. Stop being tricky.

N: I can't. It's like I waited all day to talk to you about this, and now I feel too awkward to. I feel like I don't have any right to.

S: I don't know if anyone has a right to friendship; nevertheless people put up with us. I put up with you.

N: Thanks.

S: You put up with me

N: True. It's so rough too.

S: I don't know what you mean by that, and I'm going to ignore it.

N: Fine.

S: What is it you don't like about this guy?

N: I just feel off about him, but truthfully, that could be a good sign.

S: How so?

N: Well I'm attracted to the wrong guys. I don't know how much you picked up on as a kid, but you must have known things weren't good with my stepdad.

S: Yes.

N: Well, I think that now that I'm grown up, I keep trying to find the opposite of him, but keep ending up with guys just like him. I guess a lot of people have that problem with their parents.

S: What happened with him Nicole?

N: I'm not ready to go that far yet. But just believe me when I say that I don't trust my instincts. Anyway going to the club, meeting up with you again, has all felt like training to be attracted to the right kind of guys.

S: Sounds good to me.

N: But now I can't tell if this guy turns me off because of my issues or because I'm more able to spot creepers now. I just know I'm not very attracted to him.

S: How so?

N: Well, he kissed me.

S: Rapscallion! Rascal!

N: I'm overreacting, huh?

S: Not necessarily. Did you want him to kiss you?

N: No.

N: But I didn't stop him. I just froze up. I was sure you'd want me to give a nice guy a chance.

S: And is he a nice guy?

N: He's done nothing that shows him to be otherwise.

S: That's good, I guess.

N: You guess?

S: I don't know. I'm not sure what to tell you

N: I know, sorry for putting this on you.

S: It's okay. It's just that today I realized that I've always been lecturing you about your taste in men and I realized today I don't know anything about choosing a good woman.

N: Sorry.

S: It's not your fault. I just never focused on myself. And I was always so into you that I didn't try looking around. So I don't feel like I have any right to lecture anymore.

N: I'm sorry I wasted so much of your time.

S: Time with you is never wasted.

N: Really?

S: I'm sorry I was so obsessed. I've realized how much pressure I could have taken off both of us if I'd just dated other girls and taken my own advice about improving my dating choices.

N: So I was a bad choice?

S: No! Not at all. I'm just coming to grips with the fact that you'll never want me, and that I'm okay with that

N: You are?

S: I will be. More than anything I want to be your friend.

N: It's not that I'll never want you... I'm just not ready. I don't want you waiting around for something that may never happen.

S: I think you'd like Angela.

N: I think not.

S: Why?

N: I'm kind of jealous of her.

S: What?

N: I know, it's dumb. I've always had you to myself. But it's only fair, since I'll be going out with Ben.

S: So the jerk's name is Ben.

N: Excuse me, jerk?

S: We've always called your guys jerks. Habit, sorry.

N: And I never liked it. I don't need you making assumptions for me. I make enough on my own.

S: Sorry nick, it really just was a slip.

S: And come on, do you really expect me to be happy about this already? Being okay with you moving on, and not to me, is a work in progress.

N: It's late, what are you doing tomorrow?

S: Not that late. Just working out.

N: Want to hang out?

S: Like a date? :)

N: No :) I can only handle one good guy at a time. They mess with my psyche.

S: Fine. I can only handle one girl at a time... because I'm bad at it

N: I can see that. Want to meet here and just go to the beach for a bit?

S: Only if you'll let me take you to lunch. And show off with my tae kwon do on the beach.

N: Only if you'll let me vent about Ben.

S: Groan. Jk! It's a deal

N: See you then.

S is signed off

Nicole stood, stretched, and then pulled her nightshirt back down over her knees. She wondered if a nightshirt should even reach to her knees. No nightshirt probably would reach Angela's, unless she had really short legs. Nicole hoped she did. Short legs and a super long torso. She wished she wasn't pretty, and thin, and probably leggy and statuesque.

So Sean was trying to move on, huh? She didn't know if she really wanted him to go through the effort. But it wouldn't be fair to make him wait. If this Angela giant could make him happy, then she would accept that she was too late.

She flopped facedown on the bed and breathed into the blanket for as long as she could stand the air coming back to her face. She went to close the window, and as she did, something moved. Something silhouetted in darkness looked up at her and moved out of sight. She slammed the window down and stepped back. She looked down to make sure she'd been covered. She didn't want to be alone anymore. She looked back at the computer, but knew Sean had signed off. She didn't want to wake up her aunt.

She looked down at her phone, opened it, and texted. She knew when he got it he would come. Maybe the whole reason she'd lost him to Angela was because he was just a text or call away and she'd refused to let him in. Maybe it was too late to fix it now. But at least seeing him would be a reassurance that while she might have blown it for a love connection, he was still her best friend.

~ ~ ~

Sean threw on a shirt, shoved his phone in his pocket, and ran down the stairs. He took a jump over the last six and ended with a loud thud. He grabbed his jacket from the couch by the door and let the door slam behind him, unlocked.

Thunder sounded overhead as he got into his Jeep. He started it up, checked his phone, quickly texted that he was in the car on his way, and peeled out.

There were a lot of things in Nicole's life he couldn't fix. But some creeper in the shadows outside watching her window? He could fix that. And although he should be ashamed, he was excited that she was finally asking him for help. He stared at the clock on the radio, wishing the minutes could slow so that he would be there in less time. Two minutes, five, ten and he finally turned onto her street. He stopped the car and turned off the lights. He ran to the door and knocked quietly, in case Nicole's aunt was asleep still, and Nicole pulled the door open almost as quickly as he could knock.

"Sorry, I left as quickly as I could."

"It's okay." Her hair was pulled back by an elastic band, her eyes framed by dark circles. "It's probably nothing. Did you see anyone?"

She peeked from behind the door, but Sean blocked her view.

"If they don't know who lives here, it's best to not let them see you, just in case."

Sean looked around the side of the condo, nothing there, nor on the other side. He walked a little down the sidewalk, looked around the cars in front, and trashcans, and the sides of the other condos. He crossed the street and stepped over the barrier to the beach. He heard the front door creak open and saw Nicole in a large coat tiptoeing out.

He walked back to her, and her eyes widened, large and white in her face with an apologetic smile that turned to shock when he grabbed her behind the legs and put her over his shoulder, carried her inside, and told her to wait there. She had called him and he couldn't look around properly if he was worried about her traipsing around in her pajamas. Just as he was about to open the door he saw her stand again in his peripheral vision.

He sighed. "There's nothing you can do out there. You'll just distract me. Stay in the house."

Her shoulders rounded a bit in defeat but she kept walking towards him.

"I'll be back in a second, I just need to check the beach."

When she didn't go back to the couch, but just stood there like an orphan, he walked over to her. He took a deep breath to explain once more why she couldn't come when she put her arms around him, buried her face in his chest. He left his arms in the air, floating awkwardly as he wondered what to do.

"Don't leave me," she mumbled into his chest.

"What?" he said, wrapping his hands around her back, noting how much shorter she was. He was glad he wasn't a kid anymore.

He put a hand up to stroke her hair gently. She flinched a bit at the touch but then sank back against him. "You don't want me to leave you to go outside?"

"I don't want you to leave me, period."

"Should we sit down?"

She nodded, not letting go, so he put an arm around her and walked over to the couch. He sat beside her, not close enough to touch. He was trying to be careful. This Nicole was someone he hadn't seen before. She was vulnerable, tired, and real.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm acting lame, I know."

Sean admired how dark her eyes were in the dim living room, dark and black and going on forever when he stared into them. "You aren't," he said. "So tell me again, what did you see?"

"I went to close the window," she said, rubbing her palms against the pajamas covering her legs. "And I saw someone move out of the way, into the darkness."

"You're sure?" he asked. "It wasn't a cat?"

He regretted it as soon as he said it. "I'm sorry, I know you aren't the type to overreact, go on."

Her lips tensed and her eyes narrowed. "It wasn't just that though. Lately, I just feel like I'm losing you. I feel like it's all moving too fast. And then I saw someone outside, and you were all I could think about. I wanted to see you. I wanted you to protect me, and I've never wanted that before."

Sean felt something well up inside him and tried to stop it. He'd been starting to distance himself from her. It was working. But her letting him protect her, her wanting that, it was making it hard not to hope for more. Caring for her made him want to protect her, and protecting her made him care more. It was a bad recipe for two people trying to stay friends.

"I know it was selfish of me to call you," she said. "I know you're trying to move on, and I'm not trying to ruin that."

"I know." He nodded, wishing she did want to ruin it.

"I just didn't know who else to ask, and I didn't want to scare my aunt." She laughed and leaned back against the couch with her hand in her dark curls. "I think she even has a gun in here somewhere. Can you imagine, in Cali?"

"I'm glad you texted," he said. "I wish I could check the beach for you though."

"I know." She shook her head. "Don't leave though. I'd rather you were here. Can I lean on you?"

Sean flinched, not sure that was a good idea. "Sure." But he sat stone still.

She leaned against his arm and rested her head against his shoulder. "That feels nice."

He didn't say anything, too stunned that they were touching.

"Can you put your arm up?" she asked, trying to move it. He did.

As he lifted his arm she snuggled into his side, and put her hand on his chest. Oh no, Sean could feel her breasts. He hoped she wasn't looking at his face. No, she was innocently snuggled against his side. Her face pointed down. Those weren't breasts. He willed it to be true. He tried to think of unsexy things, like road kill. If necessary he could grab a pillow if he had to, and plop it over his lap.

He reached a hand up to her hair. She was so small and soft against him, willingly touching him, though he didn't know why. Maybe just for comfort. Could she really only think of him as a friend? That was just unfair. She shouldn't snuggle up like this, put her hand on his chest, if she couldn't. But if there was any man who could deal with it, he had to admit it was probably him. He could keep his body under control because his care for her feelings and safety were more important than anything else. If he could just keep her safe, everything else would be fine.

Then her hand started to move down his to his stomach, then down further. She moved over his belt, and showed no sign of stopping there.

"Woah!" He jumped away from her and stumbled off the couch. "What are you doing?"

"I'm sorry." She recoiled and curled into a ball on the couch. "I don't know what happened."

"Huh." He backed up to the wall and eyed her suspiciously. "Why did you do that?"

"I just... " She fidgeted. "You have a nice chest."

"And?"

"And okay, I was having a hard time just cuddling, but you didn't seem affected at all."

"That didn't give you a right to, to, well, you know. Nicole that stuff means something to me."

"It means something to me too! It means someone just might stay with you."

"Nicole. I've always stayed with you."

"No. I feel like I'm losing you. Because I can't give you enough. I just wanted to see if I could." She folded her arms and sunk her face in them. "But it was wrong. I'm so sorry. See? This is why you shouldn't be with someone like me."

He sighed and walked forward, but stayed out of range.

"Look, you can't do that," he said. "We're friends now. I don't want that from you."

"But you came over," she said.

"And?"

"In the middle of the night."

"And?"

"I don't know. If you didn't want that, why are you always protecting me?"

Sean felt like he had been asked why he would breathe if he didn't want to eat cheese.

"How is coming here related to you violating me?"

"I thought you'd like it."

"What?" he whisper shouted, so he didn't wake her aunt, and she flinched.

"Well, I think you were getting an erection," she said. "I thought I could help."

He felt like he'd been stabbed. "I don't want that kind of help," he said. "I came here 'cause I was your friend. Not to use you like that." He turned away from her, not wanting to let her see the anger or hurt, in case it would scare her. "How could you think I would want that? How? After everything I've done? After everything I've not done?"

Nicole flinched. "I'm sorry, okay?"

He just stared.

"I'm screwed up okay?" she said. "In my experience, when men have an erection, they expect you to do something about it. I'm trying to see you in a romantic way, but that just groups you in with everyone who has abused me. I don't know how to deal with men like you. I just wanted you to stay with me."

Sean's anger dissipated. "What made you think I would leave?"

"I thought you wouldn't stay with me unless I did something like that for you," she said. "It's why I don't ask anyone for help. I don't know why anyone would help me if it's not to get something."

"Nicole, that's really sad." He moved forward another step. "I don't know why you'd think that. I've never helped you for that."

"I just don't understand you Sean, don't you get it? I don't understand nice. I don't understand love. I understand being used. I understand that if you want people to take care of you, you have to give them what they want." She turned to him and a tear fell down her face. "No one wants anything but sex from me."

Sean moved forward, wanting to comfort, to help, but she put up her hands and turned into the couch.

"No, you already rejected me," she said. "You hated it. You were right to hate it. I'm dirty and I'll only fit with someone like me." She held herself with her arms.

"I overreacted. I didn't understand. Nicole, I want to understand."

"Everyone since my stepdad. He should have cared for me," she said, and the tears fell faster. "He was only kind after sex. He'd hold my face then, he'd call me good then. We'd lay there and I'd feel safe and those moments were the only ones where the world was right." She pulled her hair. "But I know now that was wrong. I know it was wrong, but it was love to me, and now I don't know how to love."

Sean wished he could go smash the man's face. Kill him. But that wouldn't help her now.

"Nicole." He approached slowly, trying to look gentle. She looked like a stray that would rather be put down than adopted by another monster or someone who would abandon her again. "Can I come over to you?"

She nodded, silently crying.

"Nicole. I will stay with you," he said, sitting down beside her. "I will show you that people can stay with you. That they don't need anything in return."

"It's not true!" she said, pushing him away. "You wanted more than I can give, and you moved on to someone else when I couldn't give it."

"I thought you wanted someone else," he said. "I didn't want to burden you."

"I don't know what I want," she said. "I feel like I'm only just figuring it out. You're pushing me up so hard against my issues I can't see straight. My shrink always said this would happen, that the closer I got to a loving relationship, the more things would come out to bite me."

He nodded.

"I just know I can't lose you as a friend," she said. "You're all I have."

"Not true," he said. "You have other people that love you."

"You're the only one who stays, but hasn't taken more," she said. "Please don't ever leave me."

She put her hands on his arms and looked up to his face. When she moved in as if to kiss him, he pushed her away again, gently but firmly.

"No," he said. "I do want to be with you, but not like this. Not like you are trying to buy my friendship. If you want me to stay, I'll tell you what I want."

"What is it?" she asked, eyes wide.

"Stay here," he said, lifting his arm up and coaxing her towards him. He ran a hand over her hair, tucking strays away from her face. "Let me hold you as long as you need it, just as a friend. Let me be different from the other men, just tonight." She started to cry again and he pulled her in against his side, tucked her there and let the wetness spread across his shirt. Let her cry about her stepdad, let her cry about him, let her scream and pound his leg, till she fell asleep.

Sean moved her from his lap to the couch, then stood so that he could situate her across the entire length of it. She looked peaceful, though her face was still puffy and streaked with glistening tear tracks. He thought he could watch her sleep all night.

He hadn't known how much pain she was in. He hadn't known so many things. He'd guessed what had happened, but he hadn't guessed the fallout.

He moved to sit on the floor beside her, trying to decide what to do next. He should probably leave so that her aunt didn't freak out in the morning. But Nicole had major abandonment issues and he didn't want to leave her and invalidate everything he had said.

At the very least he should get her to bed. He slid his arms under her knees and shoulders, amazed that she was still sleeping through all of this, and lifted her up. She didn't weigh much to him, but he was tired from the adrenaline flood and the night's emotional intensity. He turned his body so that he could fit her between the wall and the banister. Was his stairway this narrow too? He guessed you wouldn't really think of it usually if you weren't carrying someone. He moved in the direction she seemed to come from when she came down the stairs, and nudged the only door open gently with his foot. He set her down on the bed.

He sat on the edge of the bed. She lay sprawled with one arm above her head and the other on her stomach, her hair in tendrils around her. He wanted to touch her. Not that he would. Now he realized more than ever that that was not what she needed from him. More than anything she just needed a friend, someone to show her it wasn't all about sex.

Well he could do that. Still the problem remained that she was asleep, and it wasn't appropriate to stay. His Jeep was still parked outside the house. He could sleep there. He went over to her desk and found a post-it note and pen and wrote her a note. He left the house satisfied.

### Chapter Eleven

Nicole woke up slowly as the rays of the sun poured in and warmed her to an uncomfortable sweatiness. She felt hung over, as if she'd been drunk the night before. She looked down to see she was fully clothed, and the night's events slowly started filling her mind, like puzzle pieces coming together to make a picture. Oh no.

She threw herself down on the cover beside her, face burning, a sick feeling spreading from her stomach to her heart and her throat. She felt like she could throw up, if she had actually eaten the night before.

She could remember so well now. How big his arms had been, how muscular he'd been. She tried to forget. She had no right to notice how nice he smelled coming in from the night. Or how safe she felt under his arm. But what happened after was worse.

She'd almost groped him. She'd let him know everything. She'd gone completely insane. No wonder he was gone. He'd probably never want to talk to her again. She turned over on her back and heard paper crumple. She rolled off a little pink post-it note.

"Nicole. Hope you slept well. I just put you on your bed. I'm outside in the Jeep. Didn't want to wake Aunt."

She felt the color drain out of her face. She looked to the window, saw the Jeep outside, and froze. She leaned forward, rubbed her eyes, and tried to remember more details. How would he ever look at her the same? She didn't want to go down and face him, but knew that she couldn't just leave him there.

She went to the window. He slept in the Jeep, hunched over his arms on the steering wheel, completely gone. She went to her closet to find new clothes, and while she was pulling a sweatshirt over her hair, heard a knock on the bedroom door that startled her.

"Who is it?" she called out.

"Mary. Can I come in?"

"I'm changing," Nicole said. Then she started to brush her teeth. "What is it?"

"Did something happen last night?"

"Why?"

"Because I heard voices," Mary said quietly from the other side of the door. "One was a man. You sounded upset but not enough for me to get out of bed and interfere. Was I wrong?"

Nicole put down her toothbrush and went to the door. She pulled it open and hugged her aunt. "Come on in. You did the right thing, I handled it." Nicole sat with her aunt on the bed. "I'm sorry if I woke you, that wasn't considerate."

"Thanks." Mary looked at her with wary eyes and Nicole knew there was something else bothering her.

"What's wrong?"

"Well." The corner of her aunt's mouth twitched. "There's a Jeep outside; it's been there all night."

Nicole frowned and took a breath, trying to figure out what to say.

"And there's a guy in it, your friend from the other day. He's been sleeping out there all night." Mary raised an eyebrow at her. "So what's going on here?"

Nicole was silent for a moment, distracted by a tender feeling that rose whenever she thought that he had slept there for her all night. He hadn't left even when it should have been obvious that it was okay to. She looked at the window while she answered her aunt.

"I had one of my nights."

"I'm sorry," Mary said. "And he was here?"

Nicole nodded, but still didn't face her. The words hurt, and she didn't want to look weak or draw pity. "I told him everything. I cried. And I poured out my issues like someone with no control."

"That's not necessarily a bad thing honey, relying on someone. How did he react?"

Nicole thought back for a minute. "He was wonderful. He let me cry till I feel asleep. He's out in the car because of my abandonment issues. I can't believe he waited outside all night." She turned back to her aunt and shrugged. She couldn't understand it.

Mary smiled at Nicole's confusion. "From what I know of him, he's kind of been waiting outside your whole life. Oh, what a man."

"You barely know him." Nicole picked up one of her decorative pillows and threw it at her aunt. "But yeah, what a man." And what did one do with such a man?

Mary sighed. "I don't have to know him." When Nicole raised an eyebrow at her, she continued, "I mean, meeting him validated what I had already thought. But honestly, Nicole. I saw that little boy sitting on the curb when I came to pick you up for the first time. I knew right then he was in love with you."

"How did you know that?"

"Because he was with you. Because he chose you."

"Well I kind of chose him," Nicole said, letting her aunt touch her. She had gotten used to it. She had come to see that this might have been what a mother would have been like, or even any parent that hadn't been so far in the wrong. But it was still hard sometimes, still painful sometimes, to even believe that her aunt didn't have it in for her sexually. And that made her feel bizarrely broken. But when she did feel fearful, she overcame it relatively quickly now, was able to tell reality from the past more quickly and more often.

"Well you chose each other," she said. When Nicole looked like she was about to correct her, she cut her off with, "At least as friends. Like attracts like, and you're a special girl."

"Thanks," Nicole said, leaning forward and giving her aunt a hug of her own will. She always felt like she was giving an extra special gift when she hugged someone on her own. She didn't initiate often. She'd seen physicality hurt too badly to want to hurt anyone with it.

Her aunt held her with hands that were feeling more delicate now than thirteen years ago. She pulled back to look at her in the face, a face so like hers that she hoped she could see her mom in it.

"Are you eating well? You're always at meetings," Nicole asked.

Her aunt laughed but touched her cheek lightly, which did seem to look a bit more gaunt than usual. "I suppose so. I guess I wasn't paying much attention."

"You work too hard."

"I don't. That's the problem. I feel like I have to go to every community improvement meeting possible, because your darn uncle left me too much money to have any ambition to hold a real job. I don't know what to do with myself otherwise."

Nicole laughed and squeezed her hand, pushed a lock of Mary's hair back behind her ear. "Take care of yourself. I need you around."

Mary laughed and stood. "And I need you, rascal."

"I'm twenty-six," Nicole said.

"You'll always be that rascally thirteen-year-old to me. Goodness you were tiny when I brought you here." Mary went to the door and leaned against the jamb. "Would you like some breakfast?"

"No. But I guess I need it," Nicole said, standing and stretching.

"What you need is to get that man of yours out of the car and bring him in for breakfast. I'd say he's earned it." Mary left before Nicole could retort that he wasn't her man. Nicole went over for one last look at him, asleep in the Jeep. Maybe someday.

~ ~ ~

Sean ate his eggs between suspicious looks at Nicole and her aunt. He didn't know if he should defend himself for being parked outside like a stalker.

He hoped that Mary's kindness was a reflection of knowledge or approval of the last night's events, but he didn't even know how long Nicole had been awake before she'd come to thump on his window, startling him. He hadn't known what to say to Nicole, so he'd just followed her inside and accepted breakfast, as if the whole scene were completely normal, and he'd been planning to join the two lovely ladies for brunch all along.

"So, Sean, tell me more about you. What do you do?" Mary poked at her eggs and smiled at him, waiting.

He had already picked up his orange juice, so he brought it to his mouth and took a long drink while deciding how to answer.

"I run a dojang," he said, setting the glass down, avoiding Nicole's eyes.

"Oh really?" Mary said, her eyes lighting up. "Nicole never mentioned that." She gave Nicole a gentle push, and Nicole sent him an embarrassed apology with her eyes.

"It's not like I know much about it either," she said. "He never brings it up."

"I didn't know you wanted to hear about it," Sean said, finishing his eggs and pushing his plate aside. Mary got up as if to serve more and he waved her away, patting his stomach. "No thanks ma'am, all finished."

Mary laughed. "You just get better and better."

And this just gets worse and worse, he thought, wishing he could vaporize and disappear before things got more awkward between him and Nicole. She hadn't acted like anything was different, and he didn't see how that could be. She'd confided in him, she'd touched him. He knew they were only friends, but he had expected the past night to change the nature of their friendship somewhat. He wanted to be trusted. Would she be so embarrassed by the whole thing that she wouldn't want to see him because it would remind her?

"When are you at the dojang, anyway?" she asked. "I'd like to see it sometime.

Sean flushed with pride. A part of him couldn't believe this was happening, that she wanted to come see it, after so many letters, after being on the sidelines so much. Even if it had all started because of her.

"I'm going in today. We could go over now if you want." He got up to take his plate to the sink but was intercepted by Mary, who took it from him and rinsed it.

"I'll take care of clean up," she said, putting down the plate and moving to shoo Nicole out of her chair. "You kids go have fun."

"I don't know how much fun I can promise it'll be." Sean shrugged.

"It's a new place," she said. "I'll drive myself, so that if I get bored, I can leave."

Sean frowned and crossed his arms. "How about I drive, and just promise not to bore you," he said, not liking the idea of her coming in, deciding it was lame before he could prove otherwise, and crushing his ego by leaving.

"Neanderthal," she said, grabbing her purse and heading for the front door. Right before she grabbed the handle, she went back to hug her aunt and give her a quick kiss on the cheek. "Thanks for everything," she said.

Mary hugged her back, and Sean looked over his shoulder just before following Nicole out the front door to see her touch her cheek and smile softly.

Nicole could feel Sean watching her each time they stopped at a red light or stop sigh.

"For goodness sake stop staring at me like I might spontaneously combust."

"Sorry," he said. "We're here."

They'd pulled in front of the dojang. A large sign in front read "Tae Kwon Do."

"Do you have to do a lot of marketing?" she asked, walking under his arm as he held the large glass door to the dojang open for her.

"Not really," he said. "The owner does most of it the way he always has, ads in the Yellow Pages or other small venues, offering free lessons or a free uniform. Then again, people also just tend to see the sign, and if they are looking for martial arts, it'll catch their eye."

She stared, mesmerized at the multiple floors and foreign equipment, while he continued.

"I guess you could say we only want people here who want to do what we do." He walked over to a desk that was surrounded by counters, under which equipment that looked like weapons and protective gear was stored, sat down, and started rooting through papers.

"Wow, organized," she said, looking at the pile and leaning against the counter.

"Thanks." He looked up, realized she wasn't serious, and frowned. "Oh. Rude."

She laughed. "You should have taken my suggestions to go more electronic."

He set the papers down. "Come on, I'll show you around."

"Great," she followed him to the first mat, which felt soft and foamy. There was no one else in the dojang. "Is it usually this empty?"

"We don't open for classes for a few hours," he said. "Most of our clients are kids, and the ones who are adults work during the day. The teachers will be in a bit before them, to clean up and get things ready for their classes."

"Cool," Nicole said, walking on to the mat to go look at something that looked like a punching bag mounted on a thick black plastic base. "What's this?"

Sean cleared his throat, and when she turned around, he was folding his arms and glaring. He pointed beside him, signaling her to come back. "You have to bow in."

She rolled her eyes.

"I mean it," he said. "And you have to take off your shoes. You'll damage the padding."

She slumped over and took off her shoes. She'd be darned if she'd bow to him.

"The Korean and American flags," he said, pointing up to the wall across from them, on which was hung a row of different colored belts, with black at the end. "We bow to them as a sign of respect, each time we go onto the mat."

She could respect a country or two, she guessed, making a slight bow as he did the same.

"What are these?" she said, lightly punching a large padded object with her hand to see what it did. It rocked slightly away and then back towards her, and she jumped.

"They're called Wavemasters," he said. "Basically a punching bag, but for kicking."

She looked confused. "Can't you just kick a punching bag?" she asked. "Why does it have to be mounted from the bottom?"

He waved her to move a bit away from the bag and readied himself, facing it, arms loose at his side, and feet shoulder width apart. He grinned at her, then focused again, and lightning fast, spun towards it with a kick that resounded across the room with a loud bang.

She wouldn't have believed it if she'd seen it anywhere but right here beside him. He'd hit so hard that the bag swung back almost till it touched the floor, then slowly righted itself, ready for another strike.

"That's why," he said.

"I still don't get it."

"Come here," he said, and she came over to stand by him. "Maybe if you try, you'll see it better."

He stood the same as he had before, and looked at her as if expecting her to do the same. She did.

"Good," he said. "Now spread your legs a little," he motioned to his own. "Like this. Good."

He raised his front leg. "Now bring your front leg up, like this."

She did, wobbling, and held it.

"Now just extend it, slowly at first." He straightened his leg until the front of his shin made contact with the bag. "And that's a round house kick."

She tried to do the same and toppled forward.

"No, no, no," he said. "Can I touch you?"

She nodded. He picked up her front leg, and held it in the position it had been before. If she had thought letting him hold her leg would be strictly platonic, she was wrong. She tingled where he was touching.

"Great, now just straighten it," he said, keeping one hand on her thigh and holding it while using the other to straighten her leg and guide her foot to the side of the bag. His eyes met hers and his face softened. He dropped her foot. She let it fall slowly.

"I've got to go," she said, turning to walk off the mat. Sean didn't ask her to bow out.

"Wait," he said. "We need to talk about last night." He came in front of her and blocked the door.

She loved the way the light played in his dark hair and how bright his blue eyes looked, and she wanted to get away from him so she could forget about it.

"There's nothing to talk about," she said. "I blew it last night and it's no use for us to keep pretending that nothing has changed."

"What do you mean?" he asked, not budging despite her attempts to push him aside.

"Stop it," she said. "I know you're just pitying me. You can't stand to be around me after last night, now that you know what a nut job I am."

"I've always known what a nut job you are, Nick," Sean said, smiling a smile that faded when he realized she was even angrier after that comment. "But seriously, I don't see you any differently."

"Good. Because I was just a kid, you know? And it's wrong of you to judge me for it," she said, keeping tears away by keeping her anger dominant.

"I'm not judging you," he said. "None of that was your fault."

"I saw the way you looked last night when I told you," she said. "I'm not stupid." She sat on the floor in a ball with her arms on her knees, waiting for him to move.

"I was angry," he said, sitting as well, with one leg out and the other bent. "But not at you."

"Who then?" she said. "Who else is there to be angry at? I was the slut."

"Don't ever call yourself that." When she flinched, he softened his voice. "I'm sorry. But I can't stand for you to call yourself that." He traced a circle on the ground beside him. "You're still my best friend. Nothing has changed."

"You expect me to believe that?" she said, looking away. "You expect me to think that you'd have been my friend then if you'd known?"

"Of course," he said. "Are you so damaged you really think that would have mattered?"

"Damaged?" She buried her head in her arms.

"Yes. No. That's not what I mean." He started forward towards her. "I mean, what you think I mean is not what I mean, but I know how it sounded."

He stared at her. She sat for a moment, and he didn't hear anything. Then she surprised him by standing.

"You know what?" she said. "Maybe I am damaged. But you're the one who's been stalking a damaged person for thirteen years." She grabbed her purse and walked to the door. "I'd appreciate it if you drove me home now." She opened the door. "I have a date." She let it fall behind her and walked to the Jeep.

"Stalking, huh? So that's what I've done?" He unlocked her door, then went around and got in on his side.

Nicole waited for him to explain himself, to reassure her as they drove back to her aunt's. He didn't. She didn't actually have a date. She'd just said it to toss a barb at him like the one he'd tossed at her. And to give her some distance. She may have cried in his arms, but she wasn't ready to jump into them yet. Especially if he was just going to give up like he was right now.

When they pulled up in front of her place, he was still staring stoically ahead. "I was just trying to tell you that it didn't make a difference to me," he said. "It doesn't matter what I say now." He got out and came around to her door but she jumped out without his help.

She walked up the front steps. "I don't need to be fixed, Sean," she said, her hand on the doorknob. "I can take care of myself."

"Fine," he said, throwing up his hands and going back to his side of the Jeep. "Cause I'm sick of doing it anyway!"

Her heart felt squeezed in her chest and she slammed the door on him. She heard the Jeep door slam and heard him peel out.

Nicole slumped back against her door, so angry she could barely see, barely stand. And yet, his leaving was what she wanted. It made the voices in her quiet down, made the screaming stop. Don't fall in love. Don't love anyone again. They'll just hurt you. And Sean could hurt her worse than anyone, because she loved him the most. She put a hand up over her mouth and sobbed into it. The only reason she could have reacted so badly to his statements was because his opinion meant more to her than others. Why had it taken her so long to see, and why was it so much less of a joyous occasion than one would think, falling in love with your best friend? Maybe she'd always loved him, but the thought scared her.

She scooted to the side and then moved to the couch. She looked out the window to the beach and wondered if she would be fine going for a walk or if she was feeling self-destructive enough that she'd be tempted to take a swim without proper safety precautions. She scratched at her inner forearms, hating the pain inside and wondering what the best method of inflicting pain on the outside to distract from it was.

But she couldn't imagine facing Sean with bandages on her wrists, hiding the cutting like she did as a teenager. She also hadn't felt this stirred up since then. What was it her shrink had said? Because what happened involved love, and relationships, she'd feel it a lot more when she was getting involved, or starting to love. She put her hands over her face, remembering the conversation. It had seemed so hateful, so unfair, that just when she would approach something healthy and wonderful, she would be stopped by pain and mental issues because of something that wasn't her fault.

Maybe it was her fault. She hadn't told Sean, she hadn't told anyone, except her aunt, and only a little at first. It was still going when she was thirteen, and she didn't feel that her thirteen-year-old self really had any excuse to still be hiding it.

She felt cold hands on her arms and sliminess below her waist and saw dark eyes staring into hers, saying 'you liked it, you know you liked it.'

No. No she didn't. She jumped off the couch, rubbing at her limbs as if she could brush off the past and its muckiness. She felt shaky, worried.

She walked to her bedroom, where she felt safest. She plopped on the bed and hoped she could fall asleep for a nap before more thoughts of unpleasant things overtook her. Sometimes her body was just so stressed she could pass out. She felt herself drift into darkness and sighed, relieved.

Sean watched the door slam, then opened his door and slammed it, nearly catching his own foot. He angrily pushed the keys to start the Jeep. She wanted him gone, he'd be gone. He'd never be able to do the right thing for her, it seemed. He'd never be good enough, no matter how patient, how accepting he tried to be. And she'd had the nerve to throw Ben in his face. After telling him she didn't even really trust Ben. She'd just been trying to hurt him, and by golly it had worked. She'd have to come back to him this time, if she wanted their friendship back.

By the time he was back to the dojang, anger had faded into shame, and he pressed his forehead to the steering wheel. He hit it with his fist a few times, drew a deep breath, and walked back into the dojang, feeling a million times smaller than the last time he had entered. Then he'd had her by his side, interested in his life. Trusting him. Could she really be the damaged one, when his world was such a small, dark place without her?

### Chapter Twelve

Stephen came around the counter and handed a beer to his friend, Ben, who sat on a stool with one leg bent up on a rung and the other hanging down straight.

"A black chick?" Stephen said, pushing brown hair out of his eyes.

"Yup," Ben said. "Maybe not all black though, she's not very dark."

"Mmm," Stephen said. "Milk chocolate."

"You're so racist," Ben said, taking a stool next to him and taking a drink from his own beer. "I'm excited about this girl," he said. "There's something weak about her. Vulnerable."

"Hm," Stephen said.

"Oh, and you know the funniest part?" Ben said, clinking his bottle on the counter. "She's got this guy friend. He's totally in love with her."

"Really?" Stephen said. "What chick doesn't? What's so funny about that?"

"Oh, I just think it's hilarious that this guy would have treated her like a princess, but she passed over him for me."

"Yikes," Stephen said.

"She deserves it. Nice guys finish last. Remember our dads?"

"Yeah," Stephen said, wishing he didn't. Wishing he knew how to be a better man than that. Someone like Master Peterson, or Mister Sean, at the dojang.

"So I'm just teaching her a lesson. Maybe I'll chase her right back into his arms." Ben chuckled. "What's left of her."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing."

"Look, Ben," Stephen said, pushing his bottle away from him and facing Ben seriously. "We need to talk."

Ben gave him that vacant, neutral stare that Stephen hated. Sometimes his friend could be the life of the party and the coolest guy he knew. And then other times, he could be a real monster. And that's when he had this vacant face, when his blue eyes looked robotic and gray, and his face looked pale and lifeless. It made Stephen feel cold, like he'd been doused by ocean spray. He didn't know exactly what had happened in Ben's childhood to mess him up, but it must have been a doozy.

"This next girl," he said. "You can't treat her like the others."

"What do you mean?" Ben asked, tone still eerily neutral, like he was betting in poker.

Stephen wasn't afraid of him though. He'd beat Ben up if it ever came to that, because Ben hated fighting anything up to his strength or higher. Ben had taken a break after the last chick ended up in the hospital, or so Stephen had heard. It was the first Stephen had heard of Ben hurting someone for real. Stephen couldn't figure it out. He didn't want to.

"If you hurt this new girl. If you hit her... " Stephen didn't look Ben in the eye while delivering the blow. "I can't associate with you."

Ben drew in a long breath. His fingers squeaked against the bottle, then shattered it on the floor.

"Hey!" Stephen said, jumping off his stool and away from the glass.

Ben glared, walked over, put his arms on the counter to either side of Stephen, and stared into him with those empty blue eyes. "I didn't hit anyone," he said. "I thought you were my friend."

"I am, Ben, but you can't do that. You're going to end up in jail."

"So a little slut is going to be believed over me? My best friend?"

"Ben, there's never a reason to hit a chick."

"Screw it!" Ben hit the counter hard, and Stephen could swear he heard something pop or crack, whether it was the counter or Ben's hands or knuckles. "Everyone believes the sluts. A good man can't ever get ahead."

Ben pushed away and headed for the door. "This is why they all have to be punished," he said.

Stephen couldn't hear anymore. Ben was practically foaming. He strode to him, lifted him by the collar and threw him to the ground.

"Look Ben, I've always protected you," he said. "You were messed as a kid." He planted his foot firmly on Ben's chest, so Ben couldn't wriggle away, even furious as he was.

"You think you can judge me—"

"But I would never have kept quiet if I thought you would actually hurt a person." Stephen rubbed his hand over his face.

"Like you can judge me," Ben said, trying to push his foot aside. "You've humped and dumped enough yourself."

"Well I've been trying to change. I've been trying to accept myself. You're just getting worse."

"Screw you!"

"No, screw you!" Stephen said. "I don't know what happened with the last girl, but I thought you were done. And then you found this new girl, and I thought it was different. But the way you're talking about her, like you're going to hurt her."

"I'm not," Ben said. "She'll like it. She's the type that wants it."

"No," Stephen said. "I find out you're planning to hurt her, I'll call the police."

"Get off me," Ben said.

Stephen lifted his foot. "Get out of my house," he said. "I hope you'll think about this. I'm the only friend you have left."

"Yeah right." Ben opened the door.

"I know you'll be back," Stephen said. The door slammed. "You always come back." Stephen started to pick up the broken pieces of glass on the floor.

The door opened. "Oh, and you know what? You'll be telling me I did the world a favor when I'm done, because maybe then her little Sean friend will finally score one for the good guy's team. That should make you happy right? You were always bitter about that. And now look what a loser you are."

The barbs hit and Stephen accidentally cut himself on the glass he was picking up.

"He's even a Tae Kwon Do freak, like you're turning into." Ben laughed. "The nerd even runs a dojang or something."

Sean. Tae Kwon Do. Mister Sean, Stephen thought, rushing to the door, but Ben had already slammed it. By the time he'd gotten it open, Ben was gone.

Stephen stood for a long moment. He paced to the phone. He would call the dojang. But how could he tell Mister Sean without telling him how he knew? What would his teacher think of him for associating with a person like that?

Stephen plodded over to his bedroom, found his TKD bag, and looked at it for a while. He'd been taught to do the honorable thing, and for once in his life he would. He picked up the bag and headed for the dojang.

~ ~ ~

Sean was annoyed when Stephen walked through the door a half hour late for class.

The guy nearly stumbled over the doorstep and dropped his bag by the cubbies. He scanned the dojang frantically. When he located Sean, he blinked, looking nervous.

Sean was glad he often came across as being in his thirties when he was in his gi rather than twenty-four. The guy almost looked too afraid to approach him, which Sean was grateful for, since he was in the middle of a class. Still, Stephen waved him over, and then came to the mat.

Sean folded his arms. "I'm in the middle of a class."

"Mister Sean, I need to talk to you."

"We can talk after class. Do you know how disrespectful you're being right now?"

"I know," Stephen said. "It's about Nicole."

Sean called Amy over and gave her the exercises to continue for the class. Stephen followed Sean over to the desk.

"What about Nicole?" Sean asked. "Wait, how do you even know who she is?"

Stephen flinched.

"I'm sorry," Sean said. "I've had a bad couple of days. I didn't mean to sound angry."

"That's okay," Stephen said, staring at the floor. "Look, I don't know how to say this, but she might be in trouble."

"Not really my problem." Sean's eyebrows drew down. "She's dating someone already." But he couldn't help caring. "Anyway what do you mean?"

"That's the problem. She's dating one of my friends."

"Really? You know Ben. I hope he's a good guy. But this really isn't my business Stephen. Nicole can do what she wants."

"He's... " Stephen didn't know how to say it. He toyed with his hair until Sean cleared his throat. "He's not a good guy. Maybe he used to be. But he's not now."

"Explain," Sean said, wiping sweat from his forehead with his belt.

So Stephen did. By the time he'd finished, Sean felt nauseous.

"Thank you Stephen," he said. "I'm sorry personal business had to taint your experience here at the dojang."

Stephen shrugged. "I'm sorry I interrupted class. Thought you would want to know."

"I know how hard it must have been to come to me," Sean stood, extended his hand to shake it. "Geez, I was a jerk."

"A bit, yeah." Stephen took it, laughing.

"I hope this won't affect your attendance," Sean said. "I think you have a lot of talent. You'll keep coming?"

"And paying?" Stephen said. "Sure."

Sean shoved him a bit, but laughed. "Great." He pointed over to Amy. "Now go jump in class."

Stephen nodded and headed to the bathroom to change. Sean sat back in silence, watching the classes. He'd never felt so stuck in his life. He had no right to this information, no idea if it was true, and nothing he could do about it if it was. Of course he'd love an excuse to tell Nicole that the guy she'd picked was a loser. But she'd already asked him to stop doing that. Why did she keep picking these guys? He knew why, but he still couldn't reconcile that something as unfair as abuse in the first place could leave such a horrible blind spot for a person. He sighed. He needed to stop clenching his hands before he bled.

A few days ago he would have been in a position to say something to Nicole, but now? She hated him and with good reason. He hadn't called since the day she'd slammed the door on him. He'd been waiting for her to come back, which may have been a mistake. If he said something now, she'd just accuse him of being jealous. Which he was.

He wished there was a way to check the guy out. Maybe Stephen was reacting to nothing. Then it came to him. A way to see Nicole again in a safe environment, a way to check out Ben, and an excuse to apologize, all in one. He packed up and grabbed the phone to call Nate to cover his classes. He texted Nicole, "I'm coming over."

And didn't wait for a reply before starting the Jeep and heading to her place.

~ ~ ~

Nicole wasn't used to Sean in his gi. He'd stormed in, covered in sweat, waving his arms and babbling, and she couldn't help but wonder if he'd always been this attractive.

"You want me to what?" she said, folding her arms.

"Just come back to the club for one night and bring Ben. You can see Justin and the others, and we can check out Ben for you."

"I thought you were sick of taking care of me." She sat back against the couch.

"We both said things we didn't mean, Nicole," Sean said. "You know I didn't mean that."

"That doesn't make it okay to say it," she said. "You've been my friend for a long time, but that doesn't give you the right to say whatever you want."

"I know." Sean put his hands up in a placating gesture. "I was in the wrong. I don't care who is in the wrong. I know how I feel about you, and I don't care if you acknowledge it. Even if you refuse to believe it, I care about you."

"Why would I take a date to a host club?"

"Look, just once," he said.

"No." Nicole stood and paced. "That's ridiculous. Why would I come and let you all spy on me and my dates anyway?"

"We won't be spying," he said.

She rolled her eyes.

"Can I get a glass of water?"

"Sure," she said. "Glasses are over the sink."

He turned on the water. "I'm confused as to why you're still angry. I've apologized. Is it because I didn't call?"

She knew it probably showed on her face that that was it. "You didn't even try to set it straight." She turned the tap to the cold position for him.

"Would it have done any good?" He sat and put the water on the table without drinking it. "I thought I'd give you space. Maybe that was dumb."

"It was dumb," she said. "But I guess I could have called too. I probably needed the space anyway. That was a lot to happen at once."

"Look, Nick, if what I heard is true, then you shouldn't be alone with Ben. It's just safer. What do you know about the guy? If we meet him a few times and he's fine, I promise not to bother you anymore."

"Promise?" Nicole said, walking slowly over to him. She felt disappointed. She hadn't even had a chance to tell him about her progress. She hadn't had a chance to tell him that she was angry, but she forgave him, and wanted to figure out what was between them. "Can you really back off?"

"I can," he said.

She put her arms around his waist, and he stiffened. "Really?" she said. "Don't you want me for yourself?"

"Stop messing with me," Sean said, pushing her away.

She laughed bitterly. "You're so serious sometimes."

"This is serious to me."

"Let me think for a moment. This is a lot to take in." Sean in letters had been overbearing. Sean in person when he thought a threat was present was more than. And he didn't realize how adorable he looked, flustered, in a martial arts uniform, begging her to let him watch her on a date when she knew he still had feelings. Well fine, he wanted to insist he was fine with that? She'd let him prove it.

She hadn't thought much about Ben in the last couple days. He'd called and left a couple of messages, texted to let her know he was thinking of her, but she'd been thinking more about Sean than him.

She'd been writing and relaxing and trying to get to a healthy place mentally so she could consider what was happening between them from a sane viewpoint. Then he'd come to her with this frankly insane story. It was scary to think of Ben being an abuser.

It was scarier though, to imagine being with a good guy. It was scary to hope for something happy when you could get let down even worse than before. At least with someone like Ben she was going willingly into the darkness. With someone like Sean, she would be choosing the light, and if he threw her back to the darkness after she'd experienced the warmth, that would be worse than anything.

She was too smart now to go willingly into something unhealthy again. But she'd go to the club with Ben. It was what Sean wanted, and maybe it would push him to be a little bolder with his feelings. If nothing else she'd be able to watch Sean act like a jealous, overprotective man for a little longer. She had no plans to let her time with Ben go anywhere, but Sean didn't have to know that.

### Chapter Thirteen

Sean scanned Club Blue for Justin, looking first to the bar, where Justin liked to hover because of his penchant for seeking out free refreshment. Justin was an incorrigible mooch. Not that Hope would take fault with him for it. He made the women there too happy.

Justin was indeed at the drink bar, and when he saw Sean his pretty boy face lit up with recognition. He smiled and shook his head.

"Where have you been stranger?" Justin reached over the bar to slap Sean on the shoulder. "It's been boring around here without you."

"I kind of doubt that, since apparently I was the most boring person here." Sean frowned.

"That's the whole point. There's no variety without our lead boring guy here." Justin grabbed what was probably his fourth cranberry juice of the night and moved to down it when Sean leaned across the counter towards him.

"Whoa boy," Justin said, pulling back. "Don't tell me you came back just to—"

"Shut up. I need to talk to you."

"Well, maybe you should check out my schedule with Hope, I don't know that she allows man on ma—"

"Argh. Idiot." Sean turned for the dressing room and motioned for Justin to follow.

"I don't know, I fear for my virtue." Justin followed.

Sean was suddenly not missing the club as much anymore.

He explained the situation when they reached the back of the dressing room.

"She what?" Justin leaned back against the bureau. "She's bringing a date here?"

"Yup," Sean said. "I know that's awkward, but it was the only way."

"Isn't her date going to be weirded out?"

"I was hoping he didn't have to know. If she doesn't tell him, he'd probably think it was a normal club right? Given the male to female ratio."

"I suppose," Justin said. "I'd never thought about what a normal guy would think coming in here. He'd probably never guess this was an escort club, just because he probably doesn't even know they exist."

"Yeah."

"I have to admit though, I'm a bit hurt. I mean, you only ever come back when it's something about Nicole." Justin pouted.

"Shut up."

"Rude." Justin looked back towards the club. "I wonder if we should tell the other guys." He turned back to Sean and Sean noticed for the first time that his hair was just a little too long, and was hitting his collar, and that there were slight dark circles under his eyes.

"You doing okay man?" he said. "You look tired."

"Finals," Justin said.

"I didn't know you were in school."

"I know. No one ever guesses. Probably I look more like a model than an engineer."

"You're studying engineering?"

"Yup."

"Nice."

"Don't change the subject. You weren't concerned about me. You are concerned about Nicole though. I need to know what's going on if I'm going to help."

"The guy," Sean said. "His friend works out at my dojang. Well I guess maybe not that good a friend, because he came to warn me about him."

"He what?" Justin sat up and pushed his hair behind his ears. "About what?"

"Says the guy is bad news," Sean said. Adrenaline rushed back at the memory of the conversation.

"What kind of bad news?" Justin asked, rubbing the tops of his arms.

"Okay first of all, this is all hearsay."

"How much do you trust this student?"

"Enough that he wouldn't mess with me. But beyond that he's not very mature. I don't know that I trust him enough to know truth from rumor."

"And what did he say?" Justin's face was hard, and no longer looked girly. Sean could see the same tightness he was feeling reflected in him, sort of a rigidity stemming from resisting adrenaline. He felt bad that Justin would be sharing in the unpleasant experience of feeling able to neither fight nor take flight, despite very badly wanting to do one or the other.

"Apparently he put his last girlfriend in the hospital."

Justin remained silent. Sean looked to the side, then out towards the door. Justin followed his gaze and seemed to follow his thought process.

"And he's coming here tonight?"

Sean nodded.

Justin sighed. "I'll think of something. We need to get out there in case they come in."

"Yeah," Sean said. "My thoughts exactly."

Sean frowned and sagged against the bar. Justin nudged him.

"Dude you need to relax. Mingle, or something." Justin shoved him forward, out of the shadows and into the main room, where the eyes of a dozen women lit on him with amusement. "Earn your keep."

Sean glared back at his betrayer, but straightened his tie and walked forward, smiling at the most innocuous looking group of girls. Now to try and remember names. He looked around the group and the faces swam and blurred before him. It wasn't because they were customers, it was because he was generally bad with faces and names, mainly due to his long running obsession with Nicole.

"John, where have you been?" one of the women, a short redhead with pretty, artificial cherry red hair that was cropped at her chin, said. She looked up from her game of Scrabble. "We've missed you, right girls?"

A chorus of nodding ensued. Sean looked over his shoulder and mouthed 'help me' to Justin. He would know all the names. He was the pro here.

"Sorry, been busy with my other job," Sean said.

"Yeah," Justin said, sidling up beside him. "He's a karate master in his other life."

Sean glared. "I'm not."

"Aw, you aren't?" Another woman, a curvy brunette with boy-short hair said. She pursed her lips. "Cause that would be hot."

"No." Sean sighed. "I'm not in fact, a karate master." He could explain the different between Karate and Tae Kwon Do, but it would probably bore them to death.

"Sorry, but John has been gone so long he's probably terrified to ask your names," Justin said.

So Justin made casual introductions and the two of them settled in to watch the Scrabble game without much offense on the parts of the women.

Sean was more aware than ever before of the door only ten feet away, directly in front of them. The hairs on his neck did a tiny salute each time he thought he heard footsteps outside the door, even though he figured he was probably insane for thinking he could hear that with all of the chatter in the club.

The brunette, who was called Sam, laid out the word 'slut' on the Scrabble board, and the other women laughed and commented on its appropriateness.

Justin countered with the word 'man' in front of it, and an argument over the veracity of his word ensued. Sean could not have cared less. He'd rather have played pool, not that anyone asked him. On another night he would have enjoyed getting a rise out of Justin by telling him that if manslut was a word, it probably had the name Justin next to it in the dictionary. Tonight all he could think about, see, and hear was the door.

Finally, while he was glazed over and scolding himself for not being able to pay attention to anything but the door, he saw it move almost imperceptibly, then open all the way. First he saw Nicole, her face bright, her curls gelled into perfect ringlets in a halo around her face. Cheekbones that caught the light, full lips that were glossy, coffee perfection. She wore a little black dress that hit her knees. She looked so good. It made him ten times angrier when her date appeared behind her through the door.

The man hadn't yet been proven to be a woman beater. He had been proven to get Nicole to dress up nicer than Sean had ever seen. Unforgivable. Sean wanted to give him a taste of his increasingly faster tornado kick. He felt a light tap on his sleeve and finally realized Justin and the girls had been trying to get his attention.

"Come on John, you have to be the tie breaker. Manslut, good or no?" Dawn, the one with black hair, asked.

"Yeah. You call it." Justin winked at Sean and sat back with arms folded.

Sean pulled his eyes away from the door.

"I guess Justin would be more of an expert on mansluts than me."

Justin shoved him off the couch.

"What the—"

Justin stretched out his legs on the couch where Sean had been sitting. "This is my couch, therefore only my friends can sit here. Friends do not include people who call me a manslut."

"Who other than a manslut, would use the word in Scrabble?"

"Ouch," Justin said. "What an insult to Samantha, whose word I merely supplemented."

"I'm not offended," Samantha said. "You can sit on our couch if you want."

Sean looked at the couch, which already seated three women. Justin had one more on the couch by him on the other side of his legs.

"I don't think there's room."

"I can sit on your lap," Cheri, the redhead said. "You can sit here." She stood, and he realized that if he wanted to blend, this would be a good way. At least he trusted that he could control himself if the woman on his lap wasn't Nicole. He sat, and Cheri sat on his leg.

"There isn't much room in here, eh Nick?" The man from the beach walked over to them, his arm around Nicole. "Mind if we take that armchair?"

Sean looked at Justin, who sent him a warning glare.

Justin nodded to Ben. "Make yourself at home."

"Thanks." Ben sat, and tried to pull Nicole onto his lap, but she merely sat on the arm of the chair. "Aw, come on."

"No thanks," Nicole said. "I don't want you to have a dead leg by the end of the night."

"Thoughtful of you," Ben said. He put an arm around Nicole's waist and looked like a crab holding something in its claw.

"Nicole, introduce us to your friend," Justin said

Ben stared at Justin. Sean didn't blame the guy. Seeing Justin for the first time was a bit confusing. The man wasn't threatening so much as man-pretty. It kind of messed with your head.

Ben surveyed the women with disinterest, and then turned to meet Sean's eyes. Ben's face seemed to turn a shade paler as their eyes locked. Sean tried to convey with only his eyes that he would readily kill the man if he hurt Nicole in any way. That he wouldn't hesitate to rain down on him with crushing force if he broke her heart. That he would end him if he broke anything else, on anyone here.

Ben turned back to Nicole and whispered something in her ear. He laughed and she looked confused.

Sean's thighs tensed under his hands.

"Something wrong?" Cheri asked.

"No," he said.

"Relax handsome," she said. "He's got nothing on you guys." She leaned in to whisper in his ear. "Who brings a guy to a club like this anyway? One that's not gay, I mean."

Sean flushed, embarrassed for Nicole and the way people saw her because of his suggestion. A quick look around the room showed that Ben was easily out of his element here. The men here were all varying shades of gorgeous, and tall, and built. Ben was pale, average height, average looks. Pointy nose. Smallish eyes. And his clothes, which were probably pretty preppy outside of the club, were completely eclipsed by the fashions of every other man in the room.

Sean supposed by the pallor he'd inspired in the other man that he was probably the most intimidating. Good.

"And that's Sean, I mean John," Nicole said.

"Which is it?" Ben said. "Sean or John?" Ben's eyes locked with his again, their only distinguishing feature a slight coldness that Sean met with heat.

"John," Nicole said, fidgeting. "Right?"

"Can't you even remember your friend's name?" Ben said. He laughed and tightened his arm around her.

Nicole's head dropped a couple degrees and Sean could have stood up and slapped him for it. But Cheri on his lap made that a bit difficult.

"They sound similar," Justin said. Nicole looked at him and smiled.

"We've missed you around here Nick." Justin winked.

"I missed you too."

"Other people call you Nick?" Ben said. "I thought you hated it."

"I do," Nicole said, trying to stay atop the arm of the chair and not be pulled onto Ben's lap. "That doesn't stop them, just like it doesn't stop you, I guess."

Sean vowed not to call her Nick again.

Nicole wanted to leave. Making Sean jealous was not turning out to be worth another date with Ben. She was starting to think the story Sean told her wasn't that crazy. She wished she had just been straightforward. Why hadn't she just told Sean she wasn't into Ben, she was into him? Instead, she'd brought Ben here to embarrass her and everyone else, and would probably have to leave and ask for Sean's help anyway.

She'd hoped to just watch a bit of manly jealousy and prove that Ben was totally harmless, if a bit slimy, and call it a night. Instead, she felt like she was being crushed a little more each moment, like a leech was sucking her life force out. A leech named Ben.

She turned to watch Sean in his seat, looking more comfortable than she would have guessed with a pretty, short redhead in his lap. That should be her. He turned and smiled at her. She loved the way his shirt fit over strong pecs. Loved his tie and the way it matched his eyes. Ben made him look even taller and more handsome by comparison. But the key was that Sean was a good man. And Ben, as Nicole was observing from the way he treated everyone from the waitress, to her friends now as he sneered at them, was probably not. Some kind of transitional upgrade from the other men she'd dated, but not all the way there yet.

"Sorry if my date smells like fish," Ben said, and Nicole looked up at him with tension in her face. Oh no, that crease between her eyebrows was going to be so deep by the time she was old enough to forget all of this.

The rest of the group stared at Ben in various states of mouth hanging open, eyebrows raised, narrowed eyed shock.

"She insisted on ordering the fish, even though I warned her that at Tony's it's particularly fishy."

Nicole's cheeks burned and she was grateful for her beautiful dark skin that would keep her embarrassment to herself. She looked down at her legs, then over to Sean's face.

She had intended to just look up at him quickly, for a second or two, but when she saw his expression, she couldn't look away. It was everything she'd hoped for and more. His mouth twisted up at the corner. His blue eyes were extra blue, vivid, and narrowed. A vein stood out on his forehead at either side of his temples. He chewed his own teeth and glared at Ben.

She felt familiar warmth that she was beginning to associate with Sean's presence spread out to her fingertips and toes. She would be safe tonight. It would all be over soon, probably, and then they could talk.

"I like my date to order whatever she feels like," Sean said. The redhead on his lap, who Nicole wanted to kick off and finish off with a boot in her butt, smiled up at him.

Ben looked less amused. "I guess then they can't blame you if it tastes awful. Even if it does make them smell."

Nicole glared at him. "On that note, I'm going to the bathroom," she said.

"You want me to go with you?" Cheri asked.

"Sure," Nicole said.

Cheri stood up and walked with her, and one of the other girls, one with black hair with purple streaks, stood up as well.

Sean kept his eyes on Ben, who watched women walk away. Justin shifted nervously on the couch. Sean was glad that Justin was sitting between them. Someone who was somewhat neutral.

Ben turned back to Sean and Justin. "What kind of club is this anyways?"

"Didn't Nicole tell you?" Justin asked.

"No," he said. "She just said it was an exclusive club for members."

"I guess she didn't want you to know then," Justin said, smiling. "I guess, as her friends, we'll leave that to her."

"Are you saying it's not a normal club?"

"No, I'm not saying that," Justin said. He leaned back with his arm over the back of the couch, looking almost feline, long and golden and relaxed. It was probably his style of intimidation. "I'm saying that I don't think this is the type of place where we take kindly to people insulting our friends. Even as a joke."

Sean looked at Justin and nodded his approval. He watched Ben and felt like a bear watching a fish in the river.

"You haven't said anything," Ben said, glancing at Sean. He leaned forward and touched his fingers together in a tent shape. "You sure like to look at my date, though."

Sean narrowed his eyes on him and looked back to check if the women had already gone into the restroom. The blond friend was sitting on his other side and was completely interested in talking to Chuck, who sat on the floor cleaning up Justin's Scrabble game. The best word had been 'supermanslut,' apparently.

"Are you slow?"

Sean snapped his head back to Ben. He cracked his knuckles in his lap, not to be menacing, but to keep himself from flying at him.

"Are you?" Sean said. "I just don't think you're worth talking to."

"Whoa there big guy." Justin shook his head at Ben. "I'm sorry about my friend here. He can be blunt sometimes."

"Why don't you just shut up?" Ben said to Justin.

Sean started to rise in his chair but Justin turned to him and glared.

"Alright," Sean said. He looked sideways at Ben. "I'm sorry. To be honest, I'm jealous. Nicole doesn't date just anyone." Sean figured letting the other guy feel superior for now might placate him.

Justin chimed in. "Yeah, she's rejected him tons of times."

Ben stared at Sean, the beginnings of a smirk on his face. His eyes lit in a different way than they'd been since he'd come in.

"I wouldn't say tons of times," Sean mumbled.

"That makes sense," Ben said, sitting back and picking at the buttons on his blue shirt. He pushed his fine brown hair off his forehead.

"Are you thirsty?" Justin asked Ben. "Nicole must have forgotten to offer you a drink."

"Yes," Ben said, watching the door to see if there was any sign of Nicole. "Vodka tonic."

"Sorry, the bar is non-alcoholic."

"What?" Ben looked at him, then at the bar, with genuine confusion. "Fine, anything then." Ben stared at Sean again and Sean couldn't shake the feeling that Ben was amused by him.

Maybe he knew he was the best friend she'd talked about. According to Stephen, that had been half of the benefit of dating Nicole.

"Sean, will you help me get drinks for the group?" Justin said, rising and sticking out a hand to help Sean up if needed.

Sean surprised himself by grabbing it. "Sure." He followed Justin to the counter and drummed his fingers against it while he waited for Justin to pull out drinks.

The girls entered the bathroom, and of course bypassed the idea of using the toilets and went straight for the mirror. All of them knew that 'I have to go to the restroom' was lady speak for 'I need to check myself out for a good long while and fix anything that may have gone awry.'

Nicole scowled. The stress creases on her forehead and at the corners of her mouth had made barely noticeable indents into her powder. She looked in her purse for foundation while she saw Cheri apply lipstick.

"You're really laying it on thick for Sean tonight," the one with black hair said.

"I know," Cheri said. "He's so fun to tease." She moved a manicured finger over her lip line to clean it up. Cheri smiled at her. "I'm Cheri by the way. I know I've seen you around the club, so if I've already introduced myself, I apologize."

"I'm Randy," the other girl said.

"No apologies necessary," Nicole said. "I'm Nicole. I'm still pretty new here, and there are a lot of faces. Not to mention how hard it is to focus on the women here with all of the gorgeous men around."

Except there was only one gorgeous man in her eyes, and she wished he'd just proclaim his love and throw out her date already. The thought stopped her. Just days ago wanting Sean to interfere would have been ludicrous. Odd that he seemed more attractive to her each day since he'd decided to act without her approval.

"Do you need anything? My bag is your bag." Cheri pushed her flowery makeup case over to Nicole.

"I don't think you have my color," Nicole said. They laughed with her. "I'll just have to wipe off the parts that get creased. I hate creasing."

"So, if you don't mind us asking, why did you bring a date?" Cheri leaned back against the sink. "No offense."

"I know," Nicole said. She tried to decide how much she would say. "I guess in the end I just wanted a safe place to get to know someone."

"Actually, that makes a lot of sense," Randy said. "Not a bad idea."

"I'm not sure about that, based on how Ben's acting."

"Yeah, I thought Sean was going to punch him." Cheri giggled. "He's so alpha male and he doesn't even know it."

Sean, alpha male? Nicole felt like she'd been told the sky was white. "I don't know about that."

"Totally the strong, silent type." Randy agreed.

Nicole felt like these women were somehow missing the whole point of him. Sean wasn't an alpha male, if that was even a real thing, let alone something to be desired. He was just Sean. He wasn't that interested in dominating the other males and showing them he could get all the girls. An image of him in the dojang, training to beat other men professionally, rose to contradict her and she laughed.

"I guess he can be a bit heavy-handed at times."

"I'd like him to get heavy handed with me," Cheri said.

Nicole shook her head and tried to laugh, though the image of him holding Cheri made her angry.

Randy sighed. "You perv." She grabbed Cheri's hand and pulled her along. "Keep it down when we get back. You're embarrassing."

"Well my bad," Cheri said, not sounding sorry at all to Nicole's ears.

Not that Nicole was paying attention. When they walked in the room, all she could see was Sean, standing next to Justin, looking intensely thoughtful. They were talking, but obviously in low voices. She tuned in, wishing she could hear. But she couldn't, and that would be rude anyhow.

### Chapter Fourteen

"You're blowing it," Justin said. "I think you need to join another group. It's too obvious." He rested his palms on the bar so that he could look Sean in the eye.

"I'm sorry," he said. "Did you hear him though? About the fish? Even if he's not a woman beater he's just such a—"

"I know," Justin said, shaking his head. "But you aren't helping. Didn't you want to watch him?"

Sean nodded.

"How are you going to get a chance to see what he's like if he doesn't trust you?"

"He didn't trust me there. He was showing what he was really like."

"Really a jerk. True. But that's not why she's here right?"

Sean nodded again, his head drooping a little now.

"I think I get him," Justin said, keeping his voice quiet so that Ben, who was sitting alone and checking out women who passed by, wouldn't hear them. "I don't really get her though," he said, putting the last juice on the counter. "That's the last one; I guess we'll need to put them in glasses. Big night tonight." He reached under the bar and brought up some small, translucent plastic cups in varying colors. Disposable of course. And unbreakable. Sean thought it was too bad because he'd really have liked to break one over Ben's head.

"What do you mean you don't get her?" Sean said. He checked that Nicole wasn't back yet.

"I don't think she even likes him. Given that you already told her your concerns, I don't know why she's even putting up with him. Like you said, even if he's not abusive, he's a total loser."

"Yeah." Sean bent forward on his elbows as if talking to the counter and not to Justin. "I guess anyone is better than dating me." He ground his teeth together.

"I don't think that's it. I think there's more to it," Justin said. "It's almost like she's, naw."

"What?" Sean asked.

"Did something happen between you two?" Justin asked. He put the cups in a neat line for the guests.

Sean shook his head. Then scratched it. Then pulled at his tie, and his cufflinks. "No."

"That was a pretty complicated no."

"Okay. I don't know," Sean said. "I went over to help her the other day."

"What do you mean help?"

"She thought she was being watched by someone," Sean whispered. "She called me over."

"Ah," Justin said. "So, late at night?"

"Yes," Sean said. "How'd you know?"

"People don't generally stalk people in broad daylight." Justin smiled. "You'd be the exception there."

Sean hmphed. "Anyway, when I came over, she got really clingy. She sort of, came on to me."

Sean felt like a betrayer for telling Justin details. He wouldn't have pegged himself as the type to kiss and tell. But he'd never had anything to tell before. And like it or not, he was beginning to trust the guy.

"Wow," Justin said, not sounding as surprised as Sean had expected. He came around the bar to stand by Sean, arms folded. "Well friend, it sounds to me like she likes you."

"What?"

"I know. I'm shocked too." He laughed. "But you were the one she called when she was scared. And then she came on to you? Come on Sean, even you can't be that dense."

"Nicole is damaged though," Sean said. "She's not like other women when it comes to sex stuff."

"Ouch." Justin leaned to shove Sean with his shoulder. "If you talked to her like that, no wonder she's here waving that guy in your face."

"What do you mean?" Sean asked.

"I mean, if I were her, the last person I would want to be with would be someone who seemed to think I needed special handling."

"Oh. But she does."

"I just mean, even if a person's been through a few things that affected them, it doesn't mean that all of their actions should only be looked at through that lens."

Sean knew Justin was right. He set his palm to his forehead. He'd been so clueless. He saw Nicole emerge through the bathroom door, smiling and laughing with the other girls, and wanted to kick himself. Had he really allowed himself to think he was superior in some way? He really hadn't meant that she was damaged. Perhaps all he'd really been trying to say was that she was wounded, and he didn't want to add to those wounds. He was scared to death he would. And he'd be so much guiltier than other men for doing so, because he would have known how much it would hurt her.

"I saw that look in your eye," Justin said. "You don't want to hurt her. Well newsflash buddy: we hurt each other. She's hurt you for years. And she's not as fragile as you think. Whatever she told you she's been through, or whatever you think she's been through, she survived it. What makes you think she couldn't survive you?"

Sean laughed, letting out all the air that had felt like it had been trapped in his chest since he first saw them come into the club together.

"You're right," he said. "And she's right." He waved to Nicole who was settling back on the chair but looking over at them with a hesitant smile. "She doesn't need me."

"But it looks like she does want you," Justin said. "At least, right now it looks like she wants us over there with her buffering against Ben."

Sean smiled, genuinely, softly, at her back after she turned. Right as she did, Ben looked over at them. He caught Sean's stare, and winked at him.

Oh dear, Sean thought. I'm going to kill him.

He picked up several cups and Justin did the same, and they walked over to the girls and Ben. As they did, Sean took several slow breaths. Justin's reminder that Nicole wasn't so easily broken had really helped lower the urgency of the situation for him. It also made him look at Justin a little differently, because while Sean wasn't the most observant of people, even he had to notice that Justin was just a little too intense when talking about people who have been through things. Just one of those things you sort of file away about a person.

As they sat they handed the girls the glasses. Ben and Nicole turned theirs down. Sean sank into the couch and thought about Justin's words and the last couple weeks.

He remembered Nicole's hurt expression and wide eyes when he'd called her damaged. He winced. He remembered that she often said something about wanting to change, to like better men, to be more normal. Was that to be liked or to be loved? And was it for a man she wanted, or was it so that she could like the right man? Sean figured the latter. When Cheri moved to sit on him, he scooted to the arm of the chair, smiling at her.

"Sorry Cheri, if you're in my lap I just can't focus on the other guests as well."

She pouted.

"But I'll be right here, closest to you and we can still tell secrets and laugh about people." He gave her what he thought equated to a charming smile, and she returned it.

He realized he should probably be paying more attention to the group. Ben had become pretty wrapped up in talking to Justin. Nicole looked between them nervously. He tuned in. He noticed that Nicole was now in the chair and Ben was on the arm. That was a little more gentlemanly at least.

"Stop it," Nicole said quietly to Ben.

"No," Ben said. "I want to know."

Nicole shook her head. She felt even more trapped now that Ben had pushed her into the chair and taken the arm. She didn't want to sit and watch while Ben tried to figure out if Justin was gay. Why, oh why, did they come in tonight? Was she five-years-old? Trying to play damsel in distress just to see Sean act the hero.

"I'm just saying, I wouldn't judge if you were," Ben said, holding his hands out. "But you're here without a date, hanging out with all these girls. And you, well, you have kind of a girly face."

"How many drinks did he have at dinner?" Justin said, raising an eyebrow at Nicole.

"One or two," Nicole said, wishing it was more and that her date wasn't just a natural pain in the butt. "I'm sorry Justin. We'll just go." She started to stand again but was pushed down again a little less gently than before.

Justin narrowed his eyes on Ben's hand on her shoulder. She looked over to Sean, but he seemed a bit glazed over. Who knew what went on in that brain? She wondered if she should get his attention, but it wasn't his fault they were in this situation, it was hers.

"I'm not leaving," Ben said. "You dragged me here and now we're here. I paid for your dinner and we're going to have a date."

"Nicole should be able to leave if she wants to," Justin said. "Right Sean?"

Sean seemed to snap out of his daze at that. "Yes. What?" His eyes took in the scene.

"So you're gay right?" Ben kept on, keeping his voice somewhat low.

"Why, you interested?" Justin asked. Nicole felt Ben's fingers curl into her.

"Interested in beating your—."

"Try it," Justin interrupted, bored.

"No." Ben said. "There are better things to do here." He turned and put a hand on either side of Nicole's chair, caging her off.

"Stop it Ben," she muttered. "You are making a fool of yourself." She hoped Sean wasn't watching. She'd wanted him to be jealous, but now that something was actually happening, she just wanted to sink into the floor and disappear.

"In case you didn't notice, there are a lot of women here. Not that many men. Maybe you'd better treat your date nicer, or I'll go talk to one of them."

"Ugh. I wouldn't inflict that on any of them." She folded her arms, determined to let him harass her. No one else should have to bear the brunt of her stupidity.

Sean felt his neck grow hot as Ben turned to lean over Nicole, blocking her from his view. He could see Nicole's legs squirm underneath. But he had no excuse to interfere. Not unless she said something. Not unless she asked for help. He'd told her she'd have to ask him if she wanted him to protect her again.

But what if she didn't remember? Ben turned around and grinned at him, and Sean nearly jumped on him right there. He didn't know if he was necking Nicole or just intimidating her, he just knew he didn't deserve to do it, whatever it was. Why was she letting Ben do this? Maybe Justin was wrong. Maybe she didn't like Sean. Why would she let this guy touch her?

He looked at Justin, who was watching the scene with an angry expression. It wasn't appropriate for the club, and other women were starting to notice.

Nicole let out something like a grunt, or a cough, and Sean looked at Justin, and Justin stood. Sean probably thought that was best. Maybe they could avoid a fight. Maybe they could just put it behind them and all go home with no one going to jail.

Nicole wiggled and cringed away from Ben, hating the smell of his sweat, the smell of his cologne. She wished it was Sean, wondered if she wouldn't find the man smell disgusting then.

"Oh come on, I bought dinner, I've taken you out twice. You had to know we'd do something."

"Not here."

"You brought me here."

"I regret it," Nicole said, dodging his slimy tongue. "Why do you keep looking at him?"

"That's the friend you told me about, right?" he said. "Bet he's jealous now."

"You're going to make him beat you up." She pushed at his chest.

He licked her ear. "He couldn't beat me up."

"Yes he could," she said. "He trains in Tae Kwon Do."

"Yeah well, I do MMA with my buddies," he said. "And we beat the crap out of Tae Kwon dopes."

Nicole flushed, remembering what Sean had said about TKD being more for sport than practicality. It seemed like she had probably made a huge mistake in calculating who was going to beat whom tonight. Oh, the only thing worse than Sean not doing anything about this would be Sean failing when he tried.

As she ignored Ben's hands and words, she wished she'd never been so damaged. She wished that she had been protected when she was younger, rather than used. Maybe then she wouldn't be in this situation.

Having a man fight for you wasn't romantic, though she may have imagined it, back when she was with her stepdad, with the other men who'd used her. She'd loved to think that someone, maybe it had always been Sean, would fly in and pull them off and make everything okay. A tan hand reached over Ben's shoulder and pulled him back.

"Okay, time to go," Justin said, pulling him off.

"Get off me fag." Ben pushed him away, turned back to Nicole.

"That word isn't welcome here," Justin said. "And I'm not gay." He grabbed Ben by the shoulder and yanked him off. Ben stumbled and landed on his butt. Nicole couldn't help it, her nervousness erupted in giggles.

That drew Sean's attention. No, she realized, he'd been watching all along, with little creases of concern around his eyes and mouth, while Cheri tried unsuccessfully to draw back his attention. Cheri then noticed the scene and went quiet, as did several of the girls in the group.

Before they had much time to watch Ben simmer on the floor, they heard a loud crack and saw Justin hit the floor, clutching his leg where it had been swept. Ben jumped up and delivered a nasty kick to Justin's ribs, Justin just grunted and tried to reach for Ben's leg. So unfair, Justin hadn't been trying to fight at all. So dirty. She saw Sean jump up, run to Justin. Nicole tried to do the same but was shoved back onto the chair.

"Now that the fag is out of the way let's get back to torturing the big dumb-"

She closed her eyes and wished she'd had self-defense training. She tried to imagine that this wasn't so bad, so that Sean wouldn't think she was in trouble and would take care of Justin, probably call the police. But she felt Ben pulling away and looked up to see another hand on his shoulder. A larger, darker one than Justin's.

"No!" She said, reaching to pull Ben back. "Don't. Just call the police, take care of—"

"Justin is fine." He pulled Ben up to face him.

Nicole jumped out of the chair and went over to Justin. There wasn't really a need, because while he'd been trying to stand, muttering something about 'dirty cheat,' several women had been fawning over him. Now they all looked up at Sean, where he stood facing Ben.

"Now you've done it. Didn't you see what happened to the last guy?"

Sean just glared, arms folded. "You need to go."

"Oh? Jealous?" Ben reached for Nicole's arm and tried to drag her back to the chair but Sean stepped between them.

Ben put his fists up. Nicole gasped. The room felt silent, like things were in slow motion. She was going to see her best friend hurt. It was all her fault. She couldn't just sit still and do nothing. She pulled out her phone, dialed 911 and handed it to Cheri, telling her to call the police. Then, still in slow-mo, saw Ben launch a punch at Sean.

She ran towards the men, feeling she couldn't have been slower if she'd been wading in mud, wishing she could intercept the fist. She heard a smack of contact and stopped. But no one hit the ground.

"You child."

Sean caught Ben's fist, and applied force to it and twisted. Ben cringed and whined.

"So you want to bully women, start fights?" Sean threw Ben's fist back at him. He could feel adrenaline surging, powering his muscles, and making him feel shakier, but faster, calm. Like he was breathing caffeine. He'd earned this by what he'd been doing over Nicole. Like a beast. Like every man who'd used her own size and decency against her. When this was over, he was going to teach her self-defense.

It was time for reckoning. The man had already assaulted two people. He cracked his knuckles. It wasn't like a movie, or a video game, where the hero says catchy lines and the crowd cheers. It was simply the right thing to do, and it didn't make him feel heroic. And it was something he'd done so many times for her, in his own head. And fighting was no problem. He'd been in hundreds of fights, could apply force without violent intent, and could keep control even when his nerves were on fire.

He released Ben's hand and Ben stumbled, nearly hitting Nicole, who'd been rushing up to them. To protect Ben? Or himself? Nicole answered his question by dodging Ben and running to Sean.

"It's not worth it. Let's wait for the police," she said, holding his arm.

Sean shook his head. "Go get the other girls, go over to the couch," he said.

She nodded and went to grab the girls with Justin.

Ben watched her with narrowed eyes, looking like he'd rather fight her than Sean. Sean didn't blame him.

"Alright," Ben said, putting his hands up. "I'm leaving."

"No," Sean said. "You've assaulted two people." He moved in front of Ben to block the door. "You're going to wait for the police."

Ben shook his head, trying to pass. Sean grabbed his hand, twisted the wrist and caught his elbow with his other hand, spinning the man into a chicken wing hold. Ben yelped, but couldn't move without risking his wrist or elbow breaking. Sean pushed him to the ground, maintaining the hold.

Justin had managed to pull himself into the armchair, and though he was favoring his leg, he looked more angry than hurt. The girls watched from the couch. Ben tried to spin out of the hold. Sean liked the way his eyes bulged, the way his sweat made his hair look even thinner. He pushed him back down and sat on his back to wait for the cops. He smiled up at Nicole, completely satisfied with the night's outcome.

She smiled back. Ben wriggled beneath him and Sean almost felt grateful to the little punk. There would be a lot to talk about later tonight, and he knew Nicole felt the same. He could feel it in the intangible current between them.

### Chapter Fifteen

They walked out on the beach. The sky was beautiful, monochromatic blue, from lighter at the horizon to darker at the top, where the moon hid behind the clouds, lighting them with silver and gray.

"I'm glad the cops can use this in his other case," she said, looking out at the ocean, which rolled in navy and silver. "The one with the restraining order."

"Yeah," Sean said. "Me too." He tried not to stare at Nicole's face. He'd been addicted to doing so since he'd first locked eyes with her after sitting on Ben. She'd never looked at him that way before. It was addictive.

"Want to sit with me for a moment?" she asked, sitting and patting the sand next to her.

Forever, Sean thought, joining her. He was feeling fairly exhausted now that the adrenaline had begun to recede. First giving his statements to the cops, checking on the other women, calling Hope to get Justin, and so forth. The fight had been draining out of him, leaving him steadily more aware of another feeling rising inside. A kind of happy anticipation, though for what he didn't know. So he just waited, knowing she probably had the answer. He'd always waited for her.

"I think I'm a little bit in love with you," she said, arms on her knees, face turned to the sea. He could see navy reflected in them, and loved the way her hair responded to the sea breeze by lifting in delicate tendrils.

"I think I know that," he said, surprised that he actually did. "I heard once that the most beautiful woman to a man is one who loves him. And you've always been the most beautiful to me."

She smiled, shook her head slightly. "I guess I have always loved you. Not sure when it became a different kind of love though."

He sunk his hands into the sand at his sides. It was cool, just slightly moist. A wonderful, steadying sensation against his skin. Something to bury himself in so that he could stay calm.

"I guess I just always wanted to wait," she said. She put her hands on her knees and rubbed them. "It's not like it was conscious. It's just that I always felt like I wasn't good enough. Like someone tainted like me could never be with someone like you."

He opened his mouth, but she silenced him with a single finger to his lips. He shut up, feeling slightly aroused by the touch, but more interested in where she was going verbally, emotionally.

"I thought that once I was healthy, I could consider you. I thought there was no point before that. I told myself I wasn't attracted. That once I was, I could think about being with you."

He nodded. She pulled her finger from his lips, knowing he wouldn't interrupt her now.

"But I realized the night I called you over, that you were the one I felt attracted to already," she said. "And I didn't know how to deal with it."

He nodded.

"And sometimes, that's just how it's going to be," she said.

"I know," he said.

"Thanks," she laughed. "But I do know I can't scare you off now." She put her hands in the sand.

"Why?" he said, this time the one who couldn't make eye contact. It seemed that the more emotionally intense something was, the harder it was to hear it from someone who was facing you. "Why now?"

"Because I told you," she said. "I told you what I'd always wanted to tell you."

"About your stepdad? 'Cause I botched that—"

"Shh," she said. "Let me finish." She drew a little circle in the sand in front of their feet. Sean watched the swirl become less pronounced as the sand rushed back to fill it in, not succeeding in completely erasing it.

"I told you, and you didn't leave." She gave him a stern look because he was about to butt in again. "Well you did, but you came back," she laughed. "And I was horrible to you, too."

Sean just nodded. They'd both been horrible. A decade of sexual tension could have a funny effect on people.

"But today just really settled it."

"I know, I saw it in your eyes, after the fight. I don't know why though. I just did what was right." Sean didn't want her to like him just because he had dominated another man. That was something he'd just done, not who he was.

"Well, you weren't looking close enough," she said. "Although I do appreciate that you defended me. You didn't even think of doing anything else."

Sean lowered his eyebrows and frowned. What else would someone do?

"You've always said other men were bad. That they didn't deserve me." She put a hand to her curls as if to see if they were still there. "Gosh why is this so hard to get out?"

"You don't have to..."

"I'm afraid I won't ever if I don't do it now, while things are clear." She turned to him, wanting to face him during this.

"Men have been talking all my life. In the end, anyone can pretend to be the good guy, anyone can say someone else is the bad guy." She put up a hand. "And I know that they were behaving badly, but I assumed they just knew something you didn't, and that's why."

He saw a tear well up in one eye, and then fall slowly down her cheek. He wanted to reach for her.

"I thought when you saw what they did, you would be the same. I didn't want you to see that. I wanted you to always act the way you do."

Sean nodded, but couldn't resist reaching out slowly to gently catch the tear on her cheek and lift it away.

"So I thought if we just stayed friends, we'd be safe. I'd be safe." She wiped her cheek where he'd brushed. "But then you were going to move on, and I broke. I told you everything. Everything they all seemed to know."

"I'm glad you did."

"Yeah but, the main thing is, it didn't change how you treated me. You still came tonight, you still saved me, like you always do."

He nodded.

"I'm just realizing I don't want to wait any longer."

"Wait any longer for what?"

"To tell you that I think you're amazing. That I want to try to be with you, but I'm scared. But I want to try, if you can be patient with me."

He looked at her, and asked her a question with a look at her lips. She nodded.

Nicole waited, her face turned to Sean's. He leaned forward and placed his hand behind her head. He moved in slowly, watching her. She was expecting to just enjoy the pressure, the softness. They fit together perfectly, warm. A warmth that seemed to spread all the way to her fingers and toes, as the rhythm of his kiss drowned out the sound of the ocean. He reached up and put his hand on her neck to pull her closer, used his other hand to wrap her waist. Everywhere he touched felt electrified. She'd never guessed kissing could be like this. She could feel promises and love swirling between them, as if her feelings and his had risen up to meet each other. As if ten years of loving could overflow in one kiss.

He pulled back, held her face, looked into her eyes.

"But all I did was beat up a dude," Sean said.

She laughed and bent forward. "That's not it and you know it." She looked down at her hands. "You know that's not it, right?"

"I know," he said. "I'm not really sure what exactly it is. But I know I've helped you, and I know you love me."

"Yes. I love you and I just realized I'm more likely to grow healthier by being with a healthy guy than by waiting till I can see the jerks better. Besides, you can see them for me now."

"Yeah," he smiled. "I'm pretty good at that, aren't I?" He sat up, smirked, and folded his arms on his chest. Nicole looked at the muscles there and wanted to get grabby again. She wanted him, though it was foreign, a type of want she'd never felt, a forever want.

"I'm glad I brought Ben tonight, though it was just to make you jealous."

Sean's eyebrows shot up like someone had pulled them with a string. "To make me jealous?"

"Yup," she said, reaching for one of his hands. She lifted it into her lap and ran her fingers along his palm. Then up his arm.

He stiffened, then relaxed and exhaled. "But," he said, "I thought you didn't see me like that."

"Gosh, you're dense," she said. "Stop fishing for compliments."

"Oh I'm sorry, I guess I thought ten years of rejection would end with a bit more groveling." He laughed and looked to the side with a long sigh. She laughed and tackled him back into the sand.

"You're right," she said. "I guess after all this time you deserve a little more." And she kissed him again, reveling in the way she didn't feel herself leaving her body in her mind, like she usually did when kissing. She was here with him. She was safe. She pressed into him, wishing they could somehow meld together, because it still wouldn't be close enough.

He rolled them over until they lay side by side, and looked into her eyes.

"So what does this mean for us?" he said. "It's not that I'm not happy, it's just that I don't want you reacting in a rush, just out of stress."

"It's not rushed," she said, putting a hand to his cheek and realizing she'd been waiting to do that for too long. "I don't know how to explain it, but it's not. I guess it's like the glass is removed, and I finally get to be in the candy shop with the other kids."

He smiled. "And I'm the candy?"

"I guess," she said.

He pulled her closer, and she fell in between his knees in the sand, looking up at him. Then his hand came gently up behind her head, and the other cradled her cheek and he pulled her up. He kissed her cheek, then her neck, then her mouth.

So this was what she'd been missing her whole life. She could feel the cool sea breeze dampening their clothing and the ground around them. At the same time she felt encapsulated, as if all of their love and all of their emotions were swirling within the two of them and building an unbreakable wall around them. Finally he pulled back, looked down at her.

"I've been waiting so long Nicole. But I don't understand this completely."

"I know," she said. "I don't think we have to have it all figured out yet."

He frowned. "Don't get my hopes up if you aren't serious. You know I'm already having stupid thoughts about marriage right now."

"I'm serious." She laughed and kissed his cheek. "You know," she said, running a hand through his curls, "I didn't know if I'd ever be healthy enough for you. I thought maybe you'd move on to someone else. But I did always hope I could at least have someone like you."

He pulled her close, wrapped her tight in his arms.

"I'm glad you get me instead," he said. "Nicole, I love you. So much."

"I love you too," she said. "So much."

Silence fell over the moment. Nicole turned to face the sea, pulling Sean's arms around her like a blanket. She knew that the morning would come soon enough. She knew that things wouldn't be perfect. She had so much more to teach him about herself, and she had more to learn about him. But maybe they had a lifetime for that.

#

Hi,

Thank you for reading _To Be With You_! I hope you enjoyed it. If you did, you can support the series and help others find this book by leaving an honest review.

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Opal Mellon

Here's a quick preview of Justin's story in _Out of the Blue_ , book 2 in the Sunset Series, available now.

Molly couldn't stop looking at the guy a few seats down.

It was a typical first day of the new semester at her university. The girls still wore makeup and the boys still acted interested in lecture. Molly ignored them all and preferred to read Japanese manga on her laptop in the back row.

Molly's rabid consumption of manga had somewhat altered her views of ideal masculinity to slender, girlish men with sparkly eyes and soft hair. She knew they didn't exist in real life, but even as fantasy they were better than the men around her. So the guy she stared at presented a unique conundrum by being beautiful like her books, but flesh and blood rather than pixels.

His skin was tanned a light golden color, and he had blond, thick, soft looking hair. It fell around his face and ears and a little bit fell to his collar. His eyes were shadowed by long lashes and she couldn't make out their color. His nose was long, and straight, with the tiniest discernible lift at the end. Probably a nose that would be too delicate for other women's taste. One could hope. The only way she'd have access to a guy like that would be if he had no other options, probably.

His mouth was carved along the edges and soft in the middle, lips that were a deeper pink than most girls. His hands were tented in front of him, graceful straight fingers just meeting at the tips. She could just imagine how those hands would feel, gently tilting her chin up, bringing his mouth down to hers. She sighed and made a huge effort to turn back to her computer before he saw her staring. She was in a particularly exciting part, where the hero was about to rescue the heroine, but had yet to show up.

"Wow, she's in trouble, huh?"

Complete panic ran up Molly's spine in an unpleasant, searing line and she slowly turned, like the lead in a horror movie that had just realized the killer was standing right behind her. A murderer, someone reading over your shoulder on your laptop — same thing as far as Molly was concerned.

The face she looked into was too beautiful to do murder, however. The guy from a few seats down, now no seats down. She felt a blush coming on and tried to will it away.

"I'm sorry." He leaned back and held up his hands in a placating gesture. "I needed to borrow a pencil. You didn't respond when I asked. I had to see what you were so involved in."

She glared at him, too choked to do more than that.

"I know, it's stupid. Who forgets a pencil on the first day of class?" he asked. "But I'm more of a pen guy anyway. Not that I have a pen today; I just hate erasing things."

So much for being a manga hero. She held a finger up to shush him, reached in her bag, and brought out a mechanical pencil.

"Thanks." He turned and put the pencil to paper. "This is a boring class huh? I hate pre-recs. What's your major?"

"Engineering."

"What type?" He tapped the eraser lightly on his notes.

"Computer."

"Really? Me too." He leaned back in his chair, slumping a little and yawning. "I guess that means we'll have a lot of classes together."

Oh dear. Molly didn't know how to feel about that. "Oh."

"I guess we should be friends then." He held out a hand. "My name's Justin, what's yours?"

"Molly."

"Wow," he said. "Cute name."

She felt the traitorous blush crawling up her face again.

The bell rang. He stood, having much less to pack up than she did. He reached behind them and pulled out her computer cord.

"I guess I'll see you around then, Molly." And he placed it next to her gently, and strode away, revealing a body that was not anywhere as feminine as his face.

"See you." It was disappointing, but then people were never like books or manga.

~~~

Two years later, Molly was still trying to figure Justin out.

"Not another lab. This is killing me." He yawned and stretched long arms above his head, and Molly tried not to check out his biceps.

She looked at her best friend of two years, her only friend, and once again marveled at his face. It just wasn't something you got used to, no matter how long you looked. And she'd looked for a good while. She was probably not _his_ best friend. Just his lab partner and the girl he always sat by in class. She knew by the way girls waited in the halls for him to come out of class that he had many admirers. He was friendly, and beautiful, so that was to be expected. She was neither, so it was equally expected that she had pretty much zero friends.

"Why won't you come to the movies with us this weekend?" His hair dropped in his face as he stuck his head in front of her laptop screen. "You need to get out."

"I don't," she said. "I don't like getting out."

"Why?" he asked, still blocking her screen.

"Everything I have is right here," she patted her laptop.

"Wow, you _really_ need to get out."

She pushed his head away. He was too close. "Look Justin, I appreciate it. But I just don't belong with your crowd."

"That's what I like about you," he said.

But shoujo manga wasn't real life. The popular, good-looking boy didn't really fall in love with the nerd. Just a year left to graduation, and she could happily work more with computers than people for the rest of her life.

"It's a chick flick you know," Justin whispered to Molly in a last ditch effort to get her to come and make the night less boring. "That's not so different from that manga you read."

She finally turned to him, her large blue eyes unreadable. "I can't."

"We're going right after class. We could even work on the lab later tonight, after."

"Hmm." She typed something, deleted it, and frowned.

"Why won't you ever come out with us?" he asked. "We don't bite."

"Why do you keep asking after two years?" She closed the laptop and folded her arms tightly across her baggy sweatshirt. "I'm happy like this Justin. Why can't you believe that?"

"Because you need people, Molly. We all do."

"I don't," she said, rubbing her eyes to adjust her contacts. "Besides, I have to meet with Professor Bosey about the last lab. He gave me an A, but he marked down enough points that it looked like a B to me. I emailed him about it but he wants me to come in."

"That seems weird. He should be able to solve it through email."

"Maybe it's too complicated?" she asked.

"Well, be careful," Justin said. "Personally I think he's a bit of a creep." His entourage waited at the door and Justin wished he had an excuse to go with her instead of them.

She followed his eyes. "Your fans are here."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No. Why would I want that?"

"I don't know. Safety in numbers?"

"As if anyone would hit on me."

"It's not like creepers are picky. Not that you aren't pretty."

She shrugged, but looked a little hurt. "Well, I'm not."

"Well, how would you even know?"

"I don't look like the girls waiting for you in the hallway."

"Yeah well, don't take this the wrong way, but you don't put in the effort they do."

"I suppose not."

"If you wanted to, we could do makeover night." He wiggled his eyebrows.

"Wouldn't you hate that?" she asked.

He would. How did she know that?

"Anyway, like I said, I have my meeting." She stood, clasping her backpack in front of her, like a barrier between them.

"Well like I said, you should be careful. You shouldn't meet with men alone, even if they are professors."

"I really think I'll be fine. I'm not like other girls. Men don't notice me."

"I noticed you," Justin said, but she was too far away to hear him.

~~~

Moments later, evading Professor Bosey's wandering hands, Molly was chagrined to admit Justin was right. It was probably _because_ she was not like the other girls that this was happening. If she'd had friends, if she'd had anyone who gave a crap, maybe if she was just a little nicer to other people, she wouldn't have seemed like an easy target.

From the minute she'd walked into his office, she'd realized that he wasn't treating this as a normal meeting. He was wearing casual clothing, a sweater and jeans. He was a shorter man, lightly bearded, non-descript blond haircut short, and quite heavy, though he probably would have preferred stocky. She could almost sympathize with him because she knew what it was like to not be an ideal, to not be the type noticed by the opposite sex.

She wasn't sure what to do. She'd been naive, thinking sexual harassment was something that only happened to pretty girls. She didn't know if she should tell him off, and she didn't want an F. Perhaps if she put up with his breath, which was just a little too close to her neck, and his arm on the back of her chair, perhaps that's where it would end. And neither of them would have to feel awkward. Perhaps he was just being friendly, fatherly, and telling him off would just make him angry. She didn't know what to do.

She pushed back her chair a bit to point at her screen, dislodging herself from his arm. "I just want the grade that is fair, professor. Nine points off a 50 point paper is not an A."

Bosey sat back in his chair, put one leg up over the other and stared at her for a moment. He shook his head slightly and pulled off his reading glasses. "You're so honest Molly," he said quietly, still looking at the glasses. "That's what I like about you."

"Thank you," she said, still pointing at the screen, her finger slowly drooping. "So honestly, I'd like you to adjust the grade."

"That kind of honesty is rare," he said, putting a hand on the top of her laptop and gently forcing it closed. "I don't think you realize how much."

"Erm. Thank you," she said, pushing her chair back so that she could stand. "If you'll just get that grade changed, I have to get going. Got to get to work on that lab."

"Or maybe." He put a leg out to block her chair, trapping her against the desk. He moved his chair so that he was behind her, so that he could come around the front of her with his hands. "Maybe I could just forget about the lab, and give you an A." His arms reached around to try to pull hers to her sides.

She covered her chest. She could feel her heart in her stomach. Pounding. It was like something straight out of a manga, and she felt that she wouldn't love reading them much after this. It wasn't thrilling at all, it was disgusting, and frightening. And there wasn't any handsome prince running in to stop him.

"Stop acting like this," he said, struggling with her arms. "I know you're lonely. I am too. I know you don't have any friends."

"I have a friend," she said, thinking of Justin.

"Oh yes, the girly boy who uses you for homework?"

That shocked her enough that Bosey was able to pull both her arms down so that he grabbed both her wrists. "Stop it," she said. "I'll scream."

He put a hand over her mouth. She tried to bite him.

He dropped her hands and reached for the hem of her sweater.

"Shhh," he said. She tried to push his hands off but didn't succeed. He pulled her sweater up a few inches. "Don't fight me. This will be good for you too. Not to mention your grade."

A tear tickled one of her eyes, welled up and started a tingly line down her cheek. She faced this alone, and no one would know or care. And it was her fault for always going it alone. She closed her eyes and imagined things were different, clutched his hands with cold fingers, and prayed.

~~~

The girls walking ahead of him all looked oddly similar to Justin. Short skirts, tight jeans, shirts that hung low in flattering colors and ruffles. He couldn't discuss engineering with them. He couldn't annoy them or make them act awkward. But they were good types. The type people expected him to be around.

He took one last look over his shoulder to see Molly headed to E wing, taking wide strides that made her poof of hair bounce and her baggy sweater swing from side to side where it met the back of her legs. An icky, prickly sensation crawled along his shoulders. She really should take someone there with her.

"And Justin's the perfect guy to take to these movies. He's practically a girl anyway." Jenny smiled at him.

"Thanks," he said, frowning. "Listen guys. There's something I have to check on real quick."

They turned as one and raised their eyebrows and folded their arms.

"What do you have to check on?" Jenny asked, looking down the hall. "That girl from class?"

"How did you—" He shook his head. "Never mind. Yes. I was hoping she'd come with us tonight."

"Well did you ask her?"

"Yes," Justin said, feeling more desperate to leave the conversation. "She said no. We have a lab together though. I'll meet you all at the theater." And then, despite hearing several comments about the disappointment he was causing, he turned to walk down the hall, the click clack of their high heels fading angrily into the distance.

E wing was a very brown hall. The beige linoleum of the main hall ended and met orangey brown carpet that matched a little too well with the brown brick. Justin wasn't sure which office was Bosey's. He wasn't the type who visited teachers. The grade he got was the grade he got.

Finally he found the right door. He tried to look through the window, but the blinds were closed. He felt adrenaline start to run and told himself to calm down. He was probably imagining things. _Calm down. Molly can handle herself. No she can't, she doesn't even think she's worth handling_.

He grabbed the doorknob, but it was locked. He hated locked doors. Too much happened behind them. He ought to know. And Molly was behind this one, needing him. He grabbed a paperclip from the little tray below the corkboard, and unbent it with determined fingers.

_Out of the Blue, available now!_
