Holy shit, thank you guys so much for a
hundred thousand YouTube subscribers, oh my god!
You guys liked my 50k subscriber 
pick-up lines video so much... too much,
actually, so I decided that it was time
for me to take you down a peg.
So I hope you enjoy these 100 vicious mockeries.
Hey, I'll bet you could defeat a mind
flayer just by starving it to death.
You know, you look really familiar.
Or maybe I'm thinking of the gibbering
mouther we fought last week.
Alright, alright, which of you cast animate dead?
Because that is not the smell of a
living creature.
Look Kevin, I'm not saying that we hate fighting you. 
But I am saying that our wizard is working on
a new abjuration spell called "Banish Kevin."
Oh no, did a wizard curse you or
did you pick that outfit yourself?
Wow, is that a natural one or
is your charisma always this low?
Ooh, not even Disguise
Self could fix that face.
Are you sure you're a caster?
Because somehow I really doubt you can spell.
Whose shrine did you piss on
to get cursed with a face like that?
Oh man, can we go back to the tavern?
I'm not nearly drunk enough for this
fight to be interesting.
You call that a rage? I've seen flumphs more intimidating than you.
Ah, looks like your dump stat was... every stat.
You know, you're not bad-looking
for a bugbear! Oh, you're human?
Hoo paladin, you reek!
Maybe you should switch to an oath of ablution.
So if I banish you, would you get sent back to the elemental plane of ugly?
Wait, wait. Are you True Strike?
Because you're completely useless.
You know, I admire your dedication
to keeping your sword clean.
I mean, you haven't hit me yet!
Ooh, did you just cast Eyebite?
Because your face makes me sick.
Are you a Gelatinous Cube?
Because every time I go out,
I hope I won't run into you.
You see before you a bard.
Other there? A ranger.
And in the shadows yonder, a rogue.
But you? You have no class at all.
If a Doppelganger copied you,
it would die of ugly.
You're so dumb, Detect Thoughts
would give me psychic damage.
If you ever got abducted, the ransom note
would say "pay us 10,000 gold, or you'll see him again."
Ugh, can somebody cast Stinking Cloud?
Compared to your stench, it would be an improvement.
You're so ugly, even your Mirror Image broke.
It's kind of you to fire a warning arrow, but after
three of them, you might want to try hitting me.
Every time I see you, I wish
my stealth was higher.
You are so dumb, I'm afraid that talking to you
is gonna bring down my intelligence score.
If you never mastered "pointy end goes into target,"
how did you even graduate from bad guy school?
Oh my god! An unknowably ancient Lich!
Oh, no, I'm sorry. Your fashion sense is just hideously outdated.
Ugh! You're so disgusting, I wouldn't even
touch you with Bigby's Hand.
Note to self: Cast Modify Memory later to forget
this interaction ever happened.
Have you ever heard of the Far Realms?
It's full of aberrations — hideously malformed creatures that don't belong in the natural world.
You'd fit right in!
I'm sorry, is the boss paying you to guard this dungeon? Because you should really offer him a refund.
You make me wish I had Blind Fighting
so I wouldn't have to look at you.
Did you cast Stinking Cloud?
Or did you just have some bad trail rations?
Ahh! Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were the
reanimated corpse of a troll I killed last week.
some are said to fall from
heaven others who have been cast from
the hell's but you you've clearly been
heated from the abyss your charisma is
so low feeble mind would actually be an
improvement
are you part draconian because that is
what I call a breath weapon wait I'm
sorry are we combat I thought you were
doing some sort of terrible interpretive
dance behold my portable hole it's an
extra dimensional plane filled with all
of the fucks I give about this
interaction it's an empty void you are
so useless when you join a group of
monsters it goes down a challenge rating
uh your aim is shit your armor is shit
your horse is shit your face is I'm
sorry I'm sorry that was too far please
tell your horse I apologize Oh were you
bilingual you seem to speak both common
and unintelligible grunts oh I'm sorry
just unintelligible grunts then is that
your weapon
I think the tavern we stayed at last
night has more dangerous cutlery than
that they say beauty is in the eye of
the beholder but I don't think even 11
eyes could find you attractive Oh bless
you
I'm I'm sorry what was that supposed to
be an eldritch blast you can barely cast
a shadow let alone a spell hey warlock
you're so dumb you probably think your
patron is a bottle of tequila
because patron hey fuck that one work
really well in my notes let me try again
you are so ugly a succubus told you that
she didn't want to risk ruining your
friendship anybody have a potion of
healing I feel like I lost hitpoints
just looking at you
hey let's swap tragic backstories let me
guess you were an accident so what's
your alignment chaotic dumbass you look
like a femoral got a night hag pregnant
Hey what's the difference between the
Sabri ex and your mother well one is a
bloated stinking demon dripping with its
own bile and the other is a Sibley axe
help me out here looking at you I can't
tell if I should be casting dominate
person or dominate monster has anyone
ever told you you're enchanting you're
like the living embodiment of psychic
scream it's really so impressive that
the natural one is named after you you
know critical failure the only reason
anyone would willingly touch you is to
land a spell I hope you know
prestidigitation because that face is a
mess have you heard of the river of
blood
apparently bathing and it makes you lose
all your memories do you do you know
where it is because this encounter makes
me want to take a dip I hate looking at
your face I'd cast invisibility on you
but I'd have to touch you I love nothing
more than a well matched battle with a
truly skilled opponent so if you see any
around here please let me know you know
I was thinking about casting contagion
but you already look so disease type
doubt I could make it much worse you
probably avoid stables don't you because
I imagine stable hands are always trying
to shovel you out you're so dumb you
could probably mispronounced a material
component hey Bart where did you get
your degree from the College of no hit
wonders you should really look into
learning true polymorph it could help
with that are you about to cast fireball
because you are full of bat shit I've
heard tell of a goddess called halona
she's called the Lady of poison the
mistress of disease but most know her as
the mother of all plagues so anyway what
I'm saying is tell your mom I said hi
you'd probably find a way to miss with
magic missle trust me
fighting you gives us no pleasure
especially considering all the
disinfecting we'll have to put our
blades through afterwards nice armor but
how do you keep the rust monsters away
you definitely don't have a lawful
alignment not if the fashion police have
anything to say about it you seem
awfully familiar
hey remember that rotting goblin corpse
from the other day that's the smell
right hey do you want me to cast false
life it might help with your social
situation wow you're really struggling
here want me to take off my armor so you
have a chance you know when I joined my
party the party leader promised me
adventure glory tales of triumph
what is this the only action you get is
from your mage hand
hey are you 3.5 E cuz I hate you I think
turning you into a corpse might actually
improve your personality I really hope
your party members bury your body after
we go I mean they say shit makes great
fertilizer it takes special skills to
wield a marshal weapon and most people
can handle simple weapons but don't
worry I'm sure we'll find something you
can manage you know they say a plan
never survives contact with the enemy
and to be fair neither do you oh if
you're trying to sweep me off my feet
you definitely failed your strength
check how do you pull off sneak attack
with a spell like that did you guess -
the city's laughter is that just your
face
this isn't second edition honey a
negative armor class is bad let me guess
half elf
half dumbass you call that hellish
rebuke I think he gave me a little tan
I'm sure the dating world is really hard
for you but I hear two rasps mate for
life
in fourth edition everyone had a role
you could be a defender a striker a
leader or a controller but you're making
me realize there really is a fifth role
to fill here motherfucker the spell is
called hideous laughter not
hideous you oh I thought three was your
intelligence modifier not your whole
score wait you're a warlock what poor
eldritch horrors regretting that pact
now I've heard of minor illusion and
I've heard of major illusion but this
illusion of competence is truly next
level you know they say that those who
can do and those who can't teach but for
those who really screw things up what's
your class again your mom must have been
shit with abjuration spells because
clearly she failed to use protection
bugbear more like but bear alright
I'm tapped thank you again for a hundred
thousand subscribers and thank you to my
patrons and my D&D party for helping me
write all of these if after several
minutes of me insulting you you want to
give me money I would love if you joined
us on patreon I swear I am almost never
this mean also I know that I said that I
was gonna update on Mondays but it's not
really working for me so I think I'm
switching to Wednesdays just FYI
