I remember, right after Christmas break,
um, just felt like,
there was nothing left.
Those first couple months of junior high I just felt like, so lost
and I did not want to go to school.
I was bullied for like, a lot of
different reasons, but the main thing was
called being fat all the time and so I had
a really bad eating disorder, and there was
a lot of moments where it was really dark
and sad, and I had no friends, and I tried
to commit suicide a few times.
And 8th grade came and I just felt like,
no one was really there for me. And I -
I didn't have any good friends
at all. And I didn't hangout, my mom would
say, "Hey, why don't you do something after
school?" And I said, "With who?"
I would just be in the library during lunch and I would
be doing homework because it's embarrassing
to be by yourself. Like I felt so alone, and
just by myself.
I remember sitting on my bed, um,
I was home alone...
thinking of how I would end my life.
I didn't really care, like about what was
happening because I felt like if I did care
it would just be too painful.
There was a lot of times where I would get into bed at
night, and be, feel just so utterly alone that like, just like sobbing to myself.
Um, I'd wake up, I wouldn't even get ready 'cause I knew I'd just be bullied no matter what.
And I wouldn't talk to anyone and I would
try to hide and at lunch I would hide in the bathroom.
Sometimes I would just sit in my
bed and I would just, like,
think like, why am I here? Like, what's the point of me being here?
I don't have any friends.
You know, I would, like,
just try to get my mind off of it but it just wouldn't leave my mind.
I knew that if - I let myself
feel something it would just be pain.
Until one day -
I looked up.
And I saw the sun rise.
And everything changed.
Ever since then, I've made sure to look up,
see the sun rise.
I was able to go to a couple summer camps and
everything and I was able to find someone
at that summer camp that like, I really connected
with, because I felt like she wanted to be
with me as much as I wanted to be with her,
so I felt like I had an actual friend again.
Everyday the sun rises, no matter what. Even
if people complain about it being too hot,
or if there's clouds in the sky, that the
sun is always going to rise no matter what.
And so I thought that, I shouldn't base my
actions off of what's going on around me,
and that I should just make the decision to
rise and be myself and shine my light even
if other people aren't going to notice it
or don't, like it that I can still be that.
It doesn't matter what people say,
or, if they try to tear you down, you just have to keep on going.
It really won't... do anything good for you if you let them tear you downlike that.
Everything you say about yourself is
the most meaningful thing.
I remember I was walking down the hall and there was this older girl who was on student council
and she came up to me and she complemented my shirt and she gave me a hug,
and I went to the bathroom and started crying because that was like,
the first time someone really truly acknowledged me and was nice to me, and,
that was the first
time that where I felt hope, that like,
if she noticed me then I should keep on going.
Everyday might not be a good day, but there's
something good in everyday if you just choose
to look for it.
Well, the biggest way I find hope is with serving others, and so I think
if sometimes you're having a really bad day try to go out of your way to help someone else
or find someone who's lonely and complement them and it will make you so much happier.
There's things that I can do and there's reasons that can like, make me hopeful 'cause I'm...
looking again and I really think that it's good again.
I finally just realized like,
if I'm gonna feel bad for myself it's not going to get me anywhere, and...
in order to change it I have to just like,
I have to figure out who I am and what I believe in,
and I have to follow what I believe in.
I definitely think that if you look for hope
and you honestly want to find it, that,
you looking for it will result in you being hopeful and happy.
I joined Hope Squad because,
I understand the feeling more than people
like, realize, and...
there really is no darker feeling, and...
when you feel like everything's
gone to the point where you want to kill yourself...
there's just more to it than that. Like, there's more to life.
And it took me three years to figure that out.
I think the key to finding hope...
is to look up.
And look around you.
See that everyone is feeling pain,
and that your pain is yours.
And that, it's okay to feel pain.
But there's also hope.
There's always something good coming.
