I live not too far away. I took the Metro
here, at night. I live by the Red Line.
At night, I call it "The Comet" because it
comes once every 76 years.
For many years, we all know, for many years
it was just "sciencemen" and then they said
fine fine, we'll allow a "sciencelady." And the
first sciencelady was Marie Curie, who's the
only person to win two Nobel prizes in
two different fields of science, and she
discovered radiation and she discovered
the only substance harder than diamonds
it's an avocado from Trader Joe's.
So sciencemen, they said a couple things.
They said every year, they look at all
the numbers at the end of the year.
And it turns out most of the
time, for most years, July is the hottest
month of that particular year. And I
thought back, when I was a kid, all right,
Fourth of July, always hot, always July.
So the evidence bears that out, July
it's hot, okay I'm not arguing
with that. What I'm arguing with is what
they said next, because what they said next
was July of last year, last July that we
had, was the hottest month on Earth, ever.
And that's a big thing to say because
we're not quite done with ever yet.
A little premature to be handing out
trophies, okay. We got a long time.
Ever, for the Earth, began when we began,
which was 4.5 billion years
and two and a half years ago. I've done
all the research on top of the specialists
who specialize in that specialty. And
they've told me that the earth is 4.5
billion years old. And that was two and a
half years ago, so you would have to add that.
And the Earth will continue to exist
for another five to seven billion years,
minus the two and a half years
we've already used up, at which time
the Sun turns into a red giant and
consumes the Earth, so that's spread,
that is ever for the Earth. And we're not
even halfway done, you don't crown a
champion before midseason, all right.
Let's see how it plays out. It might not
even be the hottest month of the decade,
okay. And I'm not a gambling guy, but if I
were, I'd put all my money on probably the
last month of ever, I bet
that's going to be kind of hot.
When the Sun expands 250 times its size
and turns into a 5000 degree ball of
nuclear fusion vaporizing every atomic
bond that holds the Earth's very existence
together. That's got to be hotter than July.
July was hot, all right, but I distinctly
remember not vaporizing.
And I have great ideas on how to fix
global warming, but my ideas are so
high over people's heads, I'll actually
see them roll their eyes upward
to try to see my thoughts, they're so
far beyond their grasp of understanding.
There's one way to fix global warming,
everybody needs to run their air conditioning
all the time with their windows open.
It's a no-brainer, which is how I  thought
of it, all right. You're hot, you turn on the air,
but China's hot, no I just turned on
the air. What could be obviouser than that.
All right, I got the idea when I saw
a cat go from the Sun to the shade, yeah.
When hot, add cold, you'll be less hot.
I don't know what part of this flowchart
is trippin' all you guys up.
Even Mr. Pickles has it figured out.
It's not rocket surgery, it's a button.
And here's another great idea I thought
of when I was telling you that idea.
Huge ceiling fans outside.
I don't know how they'll attach, but
big ceiling fans outside will vent all the hot
air up and create shade for everybody
underneath.
I just killed two birds with one stone
because that's how I roll.
I'm Robert Mac and I kill birds.
I heard probably one of the world's
famousest sciencemen speaking about global
warming and he said that rising global
warming is causing rising temperatures
in the polar caps, and the polar caps are
melting, and the sea is rising in the
Arctic. I got very, very depressed because
he's a scienceman, and he should be able to say
Arctic.  All right, it's six letters. There's a
big difference between Ar-tic and Arctic.
If you're a professional communicator
of which being good at I am
one of them guys.
People expect you to be articulate and
so you're going to have to be
articulater then Ar-tic, if you want people
to hear your message about global warming.
All right, so why don't you go back
to the library, Neil. Okay? And
if you know that there's a
flood coming in the Arctic, well then do
what Noah did, and build a big old Ard.
I went to the National Zoo hoping to see
some national animals, you know, like a pigeon
or sewer rat. But everybody there is lined
up to see, what? Pandas, which is not a
national animal. It's an immigrant and it's
stealing jobs from American animals.
Maybe I'm old Fascist, but I think the
National Zoo should be kept pure with
national animals, and then we could build
a separate yet equal international zoo
for all those guys.
Canadian geese, German Shepherd, Spanish fly.
Polar bears are extincting, did you know that?
Extincting? Why are you telling me that?
I'm telling you.
Glaciers are melting, and that's just the
tip of an iceberg. Stuff like that, the science guy
was going pretty fast. But they're dying
and now some branches of the government say
they're going to help, and I'm a little
skeptical, because for years, black bears
and bears of color have been hunted and
killed and no one's done a thing about it.
But the second that the polar bear is barely
threatened, the White House drops
everything. Now there are physiological differences
between the bear races, everybody knows that.
Polar bears evolved in the Arctic and
there are no trees in the Arctic so they
never learn how to climb trees so as
they evolve, they're missing certain
muscle groups in the back, which is why
white bears can't jump.
