 
Introduction

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Jesus is real. He is God's Son and came into this world so that sinners can be forgiven and reconciled to God. I can prove that to you in this book. God passionately loves us and will raise us up to everlasting life if we put our faith in His Son for redemption. Heaven and Hell are real. I was perishing, but my eyes were opened. In this book, I will tell you my story about how I was involved in addiction and the transformation that took place when I came to know Jesus. There were numerous times I almost died. There was absolutely no hope for me until I found Jesus Christ. Once I found out the Truth and knew of His great love, my love abounded for The Lord. I was given a new heart and my life has been forever changed. With everything I am, I assure you Jesus is the way of salvation and the Bible is true. It is my hope and prayer that there will be no doubt at all left in your mind about the Truth in Christ. I hope you will be encouraged, enlightened, edified, and your faith will increase. May you find the same hope I have found. If this is for me, it is for you. Make sure you read the chapter on my conversion. I ask that you pass this book on to someone else after you read it. May God bless you and keep you.

That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. Romans 10:9-10

Note: The scripture used will be the King James Version unless specified otherwise.
Chapter One

I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO HEAVEN

A miracle happened to me and my life has been radically changed. My name is Misty Hankins. In this book, I will share with you the reckless lifestyle I lived and how Jesus Christ delivered me. The history may be to my shame, but the salvation I received is to God's glory.

I grew up an only child in Tennessee. I had a great family who loved me. They raised me in the Baptist church. I had a grandfather who faithfully attended a Pentecostal church and I attended church with him a few times. His dad, my great-grandfather, was the preacher at the Pentecostal

church, but he died when I was a toddler and I do not remember him. I always believed in God. I believed the Bible was true. I got baptized a few times in church and in a rehab center. I guess I thought that if you were baptized that was all you needed to do to be saved. Paul said, "Let everyone that nameth the name of Christ depart from iniquity" (2 Timothy 2:19). Romans 6:4 perfectly explains baptism: "Therefore we are buried with Him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life." I heard T. D. Jakes tell a story as an example of what it is like when you do not go all the way in with the Lord:

Little Johnny would go to bed every night, and every night he would fall out of the bed in the floor. He would cry and cry. Every night his mother would hear him crying. She would come pick him up out of the floor and put him in the bed. One night, he cried and asked her, "Mommy, why do I always fall out of the bed?" She said, "Well, it's because you never get all the way in the bed to begin with."

I had no idea the impact Christ could make on someone's life. Baptism was supposed to be a public proclamation and ceremony proclaiming that I was a new creation. It is about getting fully immersed with God. It is an outward symbol of an inward change, but I would not change very much or for very long. The Bible says faith without works is dead (James 2:26). I wanted to change and I received the Word with joy, but my life was not evidence of my beliefs. I was missing something. I had not completely surrendered. Something happens to you when you get saved. You have a new destiny. I really do not think I understood that the things that I was doing were wrong.

I made good grades in school while taking advanced classes and graduated with honors. I played a lot of sports in school. I made all-star and traveling teams while also playing in recreational leagues. I was in the color guard in high school. I had lots of friends and some of us were involved in the youth group at church. We went on Wednesday nights and to different youth conferences. I had a family that loved me. I was always really close with my granny. Granny went to the Baptist church I went to as a child. She loved me so much. I was her only grandchild. I would spend the night with her on Friday nights growing up. She was always there for me no matter what happened. I could always count on her. All my friends even called her "Granny." She would come and pick me up in the middle of the night, come get me out of fields and hotels, come visit me in jail, bond me out of jail, sit beside me when I was sick or in the hospital, pay my bills, wash my clothes when I lived out of bags going from place to place, let me stay at her house, and she bought my hygiene needs, clothes, cars and a house. That briefly explains the things she would do. I would always call Granny. I put this poor lady through so much agony and grief and I regret the way I treated her. I was so cruel to her and would say horrible things sometimes. We should not be cruel to those we love and who are so good to us. What a sad thing it would be to be in hell knowing you mistreated someone that loved you so much and that did not deserve it. Today, we get along so well and there is peace. I am so thankful she was still alive to see the victory I had in Jesus Christ.

While in school, I slowly started to wander. I started out smoking cigarettes and marijuana with some friends of mine. I thought since everyone else was doing it that it was alright. This is so delusional. Not everyone was involved in these things and if they were, there would still be no excuse to do them. Rather than being led in the wrong direction, we should stand our ground and lead others in the right direction. It is a good thing to be different. In fact, it is wise. I started to become wild. I was very disrespectful to my family. I was rebellious. My friends and I would sneak out. We started doing all kinds of drugs. On Thursday nights during school, I would go to "ladies' night" at the club. Year after year, things would get worse. There would be no telling where I would wind up going and the dangerous drugs I would be taking. I did not have a definition of "the flesh" nor did I realize the things I was doing were wrong. I was being deceived. I left out studying the Word like I should have. I think this could have prevented a lot of my struggles. As a result, I walked in darkness for many years.

When I was about sixteen, a guy took me down a back road and gave me my first line of methamphetamine. I remember he told me it was going to burn. When I did it, I felt like the back of my head was going to explode. That should have been an immediate sign to stay away from that stuff. Things got really out of control. I would spend my whole paycheck on cocaine. My mom found some in a bag in my purse once and flushed it. The guy that introduced me to meth wound up going into my house while my parents were at work with a friend of his and stealing my dad's safe. My parents thought I was in on this, but I did not know they were going to do that. My parents did not trust me. A friend of mine got sent to rehab and I got sent right in behind her. It was probably a good thing that I got sent away because those guys that I had been around got caught in a house with a meth lab. I could have been right there with them.

The first time I went to rehab was when I was sixteen. I stayed for one month. After that, on my seventeenth birthday, I was sent to a halfway house in Gonzales, Louisiana. Plans were for me to stay until I turned twenty-one. When I was there, I threw a fit like I often did, and they called my parents to tell them if they did not take me back, I would be sent to lockdown. You were considered an adult at the age of seventeen in that state. My parents took me back. I went back to school and wound up graduating high school in the Top Ten of my class. I could have really excelled had I focused on better things. I was getting distracted and sidetracked. I had an academic scholarship to go to college and I blew it. I dropped out of college the first year and I wound up paying for my college on down the road. I was partying way too much and not focusing on academics. I was not able to function as an addict.

Since my early teenage years, my family reached out to the medical community to try to seek help. I was so out of control and they genuinely wanted to try and find me some form of help. I went to many different doctors, psychiatrist, psychologists, neurologist, and counselors over the course of many years. They gave me all kinds of different medications to try and make me behave. We would try one and when it did not work, we would try another. There were different reactions. Some they thought leveled me out or made a difference. Some made me sick and some made me shake. I remember coming off one medication and just wanting to sit in a corner and hold the sides of my head and scream. None of this worked. It seemed like over the years of the lifestyle I lived, I would just have these nervous breakdowns. I would scream and cry. I was in despair, broken, and hopeless. There is no pill that can fix you like Jesus can.

I thought I was going to Heaven since I believed in Jesus, but I was not paying attention to the way I was living. I would have been so ashamed. We have no idea how much our sin effects the world around us. We are influencing others around us whether we realize it or not and whether we are doing good or bad. The choices we make matter. One day we will may look back and realize what our actions caused. We must make sure that the things we do are in the perfect will of God. We must be vigilant.

I got more and more out of control. Most of us think that when we die that we will be going to a better place. This is true if we go to Heaven. Paul stated, "For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain" (Philippians 1:21). We must live as Christ. I could have died so many times. I had taken about thirty-five Tylenol PMs once in a suicide attempt. I woke up in the hospital with my mom sitting beside me. She held up a mirror to my face and told me to look at myself. My face was black where they had pumped my stomach twice with charcoal trying to save my life. The things the nurses said I was saying were terrible. From taking the pills, I did not remember what happened when I went to the hospital. They said I asked them if they had gotten all the pills and batteries out of my stomach. I heard when the stretcher they had me on hit double doors and banged loudly I had said it was a couple of guys I knew shooting a gun again. I was humiliated and afraid when they told me what all I had said. I did not remember saying any of these things. You can tell what kind of lifestyle I was living. I was involved in a lot of meth manufacturing. But God loved me anyway. Had I known how much He loved me, I would have looked to Him and not done those things I did.

I was dying. I was sent to a mental institution after the suicide attempt and my boyfriend picked me up. He was high and he had drugs and paraphernalia ready for me to get high again. It was the most horrific and terrible lifestyle you can fathom. This went on a few years.

I am not sure what I was thinking, but I know my thinking was wrong. I may have thought that if I died that I would go to a better place and my suffering would be over. There is no doubt I would have regretted that choice. I repent for trying to commit suicide. Suicide is no form of rescue. Do not kill yourself. If the life you are living in now is so bad that you want a way out, there is hope. The Bible speaks of new life. This can become a reality for you. It will manifest in your life with Christ. All you have to do is cry out to God. You can find hope like you never imagined. So many people found deliverance when they cried out to God in the Bible. Suicide should never be an option. If you ever contemplate suicide, listen to me: Hold on. Do not give up because it is not over, yet. If I had known where I would be now with the help of the Lord, I would have never done those things.

A friend of mine tried to commit suicide and had a dream while she was in the hospital. A dear friend to both of us had shot herself in the chest and died. In the dream, she saw our friend and she told her that once she does that, it is final, there is no taking it back. When my friend woke up, she said she would never try that again. Look at my testimony and know there is a way out and never try to end your own life. Never lose hope. God is the God of hope (Romans 15:13).

There are many places in the Bible that talk about the day of the Lord coming like a thief in the night. It also talks about the faithful servant who is watching and waiting for his Lord's return and opens the door for Him when he knocks (Luke 12:36). We should really think about what this is telling us. If we are busy serving self, we may be taken by surprise, but if we are serving God, we can be expecting Him with our loins girded and lights burning. I loved God and I thought that He loved me. I was so blind to the way I was living my life. Jesus gave sight to the blind. God does not view us as condemned sinners, but rather helpless blind people that just need to see the truth with their hearts. He doesn't come to us saying that He wants us to stop doing this or that, but rather that He wants us. When we realize how much He loves us and what Jesus did for us, we want to repent and let all those other things go. We want Him.

I was being deceived by lusts, lacking in discernment, and kept falling into temptation. I must have been in denial of my sin. I thought I would go to Heaven one day. I thought I was saved. I look back at the way I was living and realize how wrong I really was. I was living my life for me and not for Jesus. While Jesus was on the cross, He said, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34). I needed to get serious about Jesus. We must remember what He did for us. I thank God I was given an opportunity to repent and while you are still alive, take this valuable time to get right with God. A lot of times you hear people talk about hitting "rock bottom." You can be so broken and far down that the only way out is to look up. The scary thing about waiting to hit rock bottom is that some people will keep going until they wind up in hell and there is no possible way of escape. Some people do not have a rock bottom. Proverbs 27:20 says, "Hell and destruction are never full; so the eyes of man are never satisfied." There has to be a point where someone says, "this is enough." We must stop before it is too late. Make for yourself a turning point. If you still have life in your body, you have time to accept Jesus as your Savior.

All the days of my sinful life, you could not have told me that I was not saved. That is scary and there has to be other people with the same issues. I seriously thought everything was fine and my salvation was certain. I was a wreck. But God came after me....

But God, who is rich in mercy, for His great love wherewith He loved us, Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved). Ephesians 2:4-5
Chapter Two

The Wrong Way

Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. Matthew 7:13-14

After high school, I got around a wild crowd. I always followed the crowd. Some of the best advice we can give our children is to never follow the crowd. I did things in addiction I thought I would never do. I started to reap what I was sowing. We would party and stay up all night. We went to bars, clubs, and addicts' houses experimenting with all kinds of drugs. There were many people in the area I lived in Tennessee that were into manufacturing methamphetamine. It was almost like an epidemic. All kinds of people were buying and stealing things to make meth. These were toxic chemicals like anhydrous ammonia, Sudafed pills, lithium batteries, drain opener, camping fuel and other things. People would mix them all together to "cook" this drug. This was illegal and many went to prison for years upon years. There were some people who were dying as a result of drug use. Some caught hepatitis C. The fumes that come from the labs were highly flammable. One guy burned the majority of his body and it was a miracle he lived through it. He was sent to the hospital in Nashville and had a lot of skin grafts. He had to lie in his bed on a mat covered in Vaseline until he healed. This should have prompted us all to quit.

Life was not happy or stable. You do not see very many happy drug addicts. At some point, I started allowing people to inject me with needles. I was somewhat scared because of the dangers associated with it so I didn't do it like that all the time. I remember trying to hide the needle marks on my arm with makeup. It is a miracle I did not catch a disease. I was very irresponsible and reckless. Many days, my friends and I would wake up, get a bottle of whiskey, and read the horoscope. We were so far from the truth. Life was full of gossip and turmoil. Rumors would circulate. Everyone seemed so confused and mistaking good for bad and bad for good. My conversations were horrendous. I had a filthy mouth and I thought the most awful things were funny. I did not think before I spoke or acted. I was very unwise. I had a bad attitude. I thought I was tough and always tried to impress others in ways that ladies should not present themselves. I was promiscuous, and a lot of other people were as well. I got piercings and tattoos all over my body that I regret so much. Tattoos are permanent. Things change and people change. Keep your body pure and your skin clear from any tattoo ink. If you are considering getting any tattoos, take my advice and don't do it. If you do, you might just look back and say, "Ya know, that Misty girl was right after all."

I wound up betraying my own family. One night I saw my cousin's soon-to-be ex-husband out and we started dating after that. They were not divorced, yet. I did not realize it at the time, but this was adultery. Their divorce wasn't final. The Bible says that there will be no adulterers in Heaven (1 Corinthians 6:9). I should have had more respect for my cousin. I should have considered my family and God. My sins kept adding up. He was a meth cook and things got way out of control. For a couple of years, he was in and out of jail. I would pine my life away and wait on him no matter what happened. If he was in jail, I would write him daily. He would disappear for days and I would just mourn and wait on him until he came back. This went on with the majority of my relationships where the man was on drugs. There was a lot of cooking meth and dealing going on. There were other "cooks" and lots of users in our area. Things were totally out of control. We would not eat for days and put so many drugs in our bodies. All we did was party. I was always so paranoid and jealous of other women. He did cheat on me a lot, but I always forgave him. I would get in many relationships following this one where I would get cheated on a lot. I was not perfect, either. I would cry and be in despair about these relationships. The pillows I slept on had mascara stains on them for many years. I would sleep unreal amounts of time from depression or after-effects of taking drugs. I do not know if I have seen another person lament over men as much as I did.

I put these men so high upon a pedestal. I was lustful and obsessive about the men I dated. If the relationship with the man was broken, I was broken. I hold nothing against these men. We were all broken beings going in the wrong direction. I hope and pray they find their recovery. I was not seeking God's will in these relationships. I did not have a firm foundation with God and I would break down and fall apart a lot. Upon reconciliation with the men, things would not get better. They usually got worse. I felt so rejected and abandoned much of the time. I felt empty.

It is a miracle I did not die in my addiction. There were so many times I could have died. There were so many dark and secluded places, dangerous encounters, and life-threatening experiences I went through. It was by the grace of God I did not die. If we have any questions about how or why certain things are happening to us, we need to look above. I am sure you have had times that you know you could have died, but you didn't. The reason you are still here is because of God. I should have recognized His grace in my life.

One time, my boyfriend and I left Tennessee and went to Texas. We ran into some form of ecstasy pills. These were very potent. We each took one pill. He took his about forty-five seconds before I took mine. As we left the driveway, he pulled over and his entire body was covered in sweat. He got out, walked around the car, and opened the passenger car door wanting me to drive. As soon as I looked up, everything started swaying. I started to go out of it and slide down the back of the car seat. I never saw a white light, only darkness. I woke up to my boyfriend smacking my face telling me to wake up with tears rolling down his cheeks. He was scared, and frantically trying to make me throw up until I finally managed to vomit a foamy substance. I slept for days after this. In pictures, my skin had a green tint to it. Now that I look back, I know I could have died right then, slid down in that car seat, out in the middle of nowhere. If I had, it would have been such a shame to my family. My granny would have been destroyed. Had I died in my iniquity, I could have gone to hell and been in anguish, torment, and eat up with remorse and regret wondering why I did the things I did. I would probably be so desperate to get out but could not. I would probably have been crying and saying that if I had one more chance, I would give it everything I had. There would not be another chance. Once we die, the door is closed forever. I have heard of these stories where people have seen hell and I could not imagine the despair. Even the story of the rich man who went to hell in Luke 16 is terrifying. He said he was "tormented in this flame" and wanted just a drop of water on his tongue. Through Christ, we find hope and another chance that we do not want to let pass us by. Be careful what you take. A pill a little bit bigger than an aspirin almost cost me everything: my life and eternity. One-time drug use could be the worst decision you have ever made whether it is your first time using or you have done it many times before and assume you know your limits. Don't think you know your tolerance. We are not guaranteed another day.

I thought for so long that I could hide those things I was doing and that no one would know. Can you relate to that? I could not hide or lie about things. People would always find out. I wonder how many times people could see straight through me. It had to be obvious. There are blessings that come along with having integrity, being honest, and having good morals even when you know no one is looking. I could not hide the things I thought I could from people. Most importantly, God knew. He knew everything I was doing, but He was ready to forgive me as soon as I turned to Him. I was going to pay for all those things, but Jesus took all that upon Himself on the cross. When I realized how wrong I was and came to Christ, it was like all my sin was bundled up all in this huge lump and thrown away. That grace gets you. The grace we find with God should motivate every move we make. Have put all of your trust Jesus?

There were many years where I would not talk about what I am about to tell you. It is far too painful and shameful, but I have decided to speak about it to save others from making the same mistake. I had two abortions right after I had my first two children. I remember the dates. This was

probably the worst things I have ever done. I was so wrong, and I have to live my life knowing how wrong I was. I should have looked completely to God for guidance. The Bible says not to kill. One of the main scriptures that informed me that abortion is wrong is Jeremiah 1:4-5. It says, "Then the word of the Lord came unto me, saying, 'Before I formed thee in the belly, I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.' " As you can see, God told Jeremiah that He had plans for him even when he was in his mother's womb. These were big plans – He had chosen him as a prophet.

I have felt so much remorse for these abortions. Every decision we make matters. I have grieved about this and have prayed fervently about this. By speaking out about this, I hope to change the minds of others considering abortions. Luke 8:17 says, "For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither anything hid, that shall not be known and come abroad." There are so many women having abortions. Worldometers, which combines reports from different

organizations, reported 41.9 million abortions worldwide in 2018 (Bohon, 2019). Abortion was reported as the leading cause of death in 2018 (Bilger, 2018). The laws are changing and making things more lenient. God had plans for Jeremiah while he was in the womb. John the Baptist leaped in the womb of Elizabeth after Mary greeted her to announce Jesus's upcoming birth (Luke 1:44). No matter what the circumstances might be, we should always seek the Lord in His will. We can make it with Him. I have always thought about those two babies being in Heaven. I ardently have it in my heart to be reconciled to them again one day. I want to see my children, love them, and have them love me. The only way to do that is through Jesus. There will be a day when I see them again.

To my amazement, God was willing to forgive me for this. I thank God for Jesus Christ. If you have done this, you must get things right with the Lord. There will be a day we have to face this and we do not want to have judgment executed against us. I plead with anyone who might be

contemplating having an abortion or know someone who is to not do it. Do whatever you can to talk someone else out of doing it. There are places that offer ultrasounds for free and council ladies to not make the decision to abort. Do not ever make that choice. That life inside is precious. If you have done this, I advise you to look to Jesus and go to the Father in prayer.

For years I ran around from place to place doing different kinds of drugs and things that were destroying my life. I was very unstable. I went to several inpatient mental health institutions. I went to a handful of rehabs and halfway houses, some for long term. I was booked in jail eighteen times in the county where I lived. There was a time I was released from jail being sentenced to a rehab, walked in the front door of the rehab, took a shower, and walked out the back door. All these things I am telling you about me might make me look bad, but God made a way when there was no way. Even for me. If you can identify with some of the things I went through or know someone who is, there is hope in Jesus Christ available to us all. I had to stop chasing after those things that were destroying me. I had to realize the habits I had and the things I did to numb the pain were not doing anything but making things worse. We must be in the habit of going to God's Word in every situation, not going to things like drugs or alcohol. This is something that takes consistency and faith. Going to His Word will give us the guidance we need. Have you ever had something in the same place for so long and then moved it and when you went for it again, you went to the place you had it in for so long? This is how we should be with going to God's Word. We have to be so consistent with going to His Word that it comes naturally to us.

I had to start saying "no" to the things I was saying "yes" to. I could not drink until the pain went away because when I woke up, the pain would come right back along with a hangover. We can't just "sweep it under the rug." I have read that addiction is progressive (Center on Addiction, 2019). We can't start back where we left off thinking we can use or drink moderately. Most of the time, one will start right back up right where they left off. I was living in shame, covering up my sin and nakedness like Adam and Eve with the fig leaf, but my true covering would come through Christ Jesus. I do what those around me were doing. I had to learn to depend on God. He taught me how to depend on Him. Psalm 118:8 says, "It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." I had to learn to totally depend on Him and Him alone. I had to replace the lies I had believed from this world with the Truth. Let Him teach you. I found riches in His Word far greater than any precious gem or riches this world may have. I guarantee that you can, too, but you have to go after His Word. After the children of Israel were led out of captivity from Egypt, God fed them manna or "bread from Heaven." Exodus 16:4 says, "Then said the Lord unto Moses, 'Behold, I will rain bread from heaven for you; and the people shall go out and gather a certain rate every day, that I may prove them, whether they will walk in my law, or no.' " God miraculously rained down bread from Heaven each day through the week for them to gather to live off of, but they had to come out of their tents to gather this bread. Likewise, we need to gather our spiritual food daily. What happens if we only feed a baby twice a week? It will not make it. Jesus proclaimed in John 6:51, "I am the living bread which came down from heaven: if any man eat of this bread, he shall live forever: and the bread that I will give is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world." We need Jesus every day.

I had gotten pregnant and I had a little girl. I had her for about a year. I stopped using meth when I got pregnant, had a beautiful nursery prepared, and probably read an entire Mayo Clinic book on pregnancy and baby's first year. I was so excited for this precious baby. It makes me tear up even writing about it now. I got pregnant when I was nineteen and had her when I was twenty. I gave her my last name because I was not married to her father and he was always in and out. When she was about a year old, DCS came in on me. There were no drugs in the house, but I would not take a drug test for them because I was afraid I would test positive for marijuana. My parents got a lawyer and got temporary custody because we were afraid they would take her away in court. My world fell apart. I was so broken and I started using very heavily. I went in the wrong direction rather than the right. I know there are a lot of mothers out there without their children and we should pray for them often. Never give up. God could have helped me get everything straightened out right then had I looked to Him. I went to the only thing I knew, and I suffered. I didn't think I had anywhere or anybody to turn and I lost something that meant so very much to me. Drugs are like satan's bait. They trick your brain. When you do drugs, you feel a false sense of pleasure. They make you think you feel good when you are actually destroying your body and your life. The more you use, the worse it gets. Your brain starts to send off extra signals, and your body produces chemicals and hormones in excess (Phoenix House, n.d). Naturally, your body decreases its normal production of these chemicals and hormones and when the drugs wear off the person feels down. The person seeks out more drugs to feel high again and a habit is formed. They become ensnared. It is deceptive.

I was being deceived, but the truth set me free. I got down to the lowest weight I had ever been. I felt so unworthy and like a total failure as a mother and a human being. I was not being a good mom. I lost hope. This world can leave you feeling so lost and broken, but we have got to believe in ourselves. We have to believe in who God says we are and know that He gives us the Holy Spirit. We have got to believe in what He can do in and through us. There is nothing He can't do. I should have surrounded myself with light and God's Word. The drug use started being a habit and something I felt like I had to have rather than something for fun. It just does not even feel right calling that sort of activity fun, because looking back, that was no fun at all. It was totally damaging and could have cost me everything. Drugs always take from you. They will take your time, money, freedom, family, children, health, friends, peace, and even your life. The devil is out to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). One backslide can turn into quicksand. In Proverbs it speaks of the woe that comes to those who tarry long at the wine. It says, "At the last it biteth like a serpent, and stingeth like an adder" (23:32). This goes for drugs, too. In contrast, Isaiah 26:3 says, "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee." Turning in the wrong direction rather than the right direction was not a good choice. We should always get closer to God during our trials, never further away. If we humble ourselves, turn to God, seek Him with all our hearts, and depart from our wicked ways, we can find forgiveness in Christ Jesus and bring forth fruit meet for repentance. Jesus became sin who knew no sin that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him (2 Corinthians 5:21).

Isaiah 64:8 says, "But now, O Lord, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand." Just like the potter who has a plan for the clay that he puts on his wheel and shapes, contours, and smooths out, God has a plan for us and is forming us into vessels for Him. We must yield ourselves to Him. No matter what circumstances are spinning around us, we must know that we are in His hands. We must consistently look to Him. Did you know you are spinning right now? The entire earth is spinning at around 1,000 miles per hour in order to make a full rotation in twenty-four hours. We are all held in place due to gravity. We are just the right distance from the sun that we get enough heat for our skin and light to grow our plants. There is so much happening that we do not even realize. We can look at the universe and see how much bigger God is than us. God is our Creator and His plans are so much bigger than our own. He is abundantly amazingly awesome and powerful! He does have the whole world in His hands.

Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6
Chapter Three

The Wages of Sin

For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 6:23 (KJV)

I got with a new man from a bigger city that dealt more drugs and had new friends. He was in a dangerous gang and was doing and selling large amounts of meth. Things started to get way out of control. We were staying in hotel rooms. This went on for a couple of years. I lived out of bags and on the streets. The lifestyle was chaotic. We were always running around. Looking back, it is a miracle we lived through what we did. One night we did not have a room or anywhere else to stay and we slept outside in a shed in the freezing cold. It was probably twenty-five degrees outside. He would leave me for days at a time in different places. Things started to get very violent. I am not telling you this to make anyone look bad. Jesus died for his sins to be forgiven, too. Maybe my scars can help you.

My body seemed to always be injured, swollen, or sore. I remember being in the hotel under the sink counter being kicked. I can remember my neck or jaw would be sore a lot. My lips would be busted from being hit in the mouth or from his hand being over my mouth to stop me from screaming. Sometimes, he would cover my mouth to cut off my air and my teeth would cut my lips. Most of the time I would just let him do it and not fight back. I would beg him to stop. Sometimes I would fight a little, but I knew if I did, I would pay the price. The scariest parts were when he would smother, strangle me, or put me in a choke hold. I never knew if he would let go in time. I would bite him sometimes. Sometimes, I would throw something at him. I would get my hair pulled out and piles of it would be lying in the floor. This would go on all the time. I remember taking a shower and the curtain suddenly being jerked open and me being thrown on the tile floor. He would beat me and then leave me. I would cry for him. I felt worthless and rejected. I thought no one knew about the immense pain I was going through, but someone did see this and knew exactly what was going on in my life. God knows the pain we feel when no one else does. He was just waiting on me to turn to Him. I would always forgive and run back to my boyfriend. I was obsessed with this man and this relationship. My family had given me a prepaid phone card so that I could use it on pay phones and in hotel rooms. I would often try to get in touch with him. You could go online and see who was called and the balance. I think one day I called him six hundred times.

One time, at a grocery store, he threw the buggy down in the store and went to the car. I went out and wound up getting hit in the nose and blood poured out onto my shirt. If he did not leave me when the hostility would start, a lot of the time I would hide from him. I was walking down the road with a blood-soaked shirt on and a lady stopped to help me. She offered to give me a ride and I remember she had a little boy in the car with her. She invited me to her church. I remember I liked that idea. If I would have listened to this lady, it would have saved me years of heartache. I think God sends us people sometimes. Listen to those people. She wound up taking me to a house where his kin lived. Don't make excuses like I did. Anytime someone offers to help or invites you to church, reach out for that help. Sometimes you have to let go and let God take over. Be willing to let go of whatever you have to and I can assure you that you will find blessings. I would like to see this lady again and thank her. If two people are drowning and they hold on to each other, they both will drown. They each have to let go and grab hold of the life ring being thrown to them.

Once, he drug me outside a moving car across the pavement of a hotel parking lot and left me there. The police found me and they told me to go home and not come back. They did press charges. I think he did seventeen days in jail, but by the time he was to go back to court, I was in jail in another county and they did not push it. I was in and out of jail so much. Every time I would get booked in they would ask me what my religion was and I would always tell them I was a Christian. I sincerely meant it, but I looked very hypocritical. I want to share with you some of my mug shots. I want you to find the same hope I have found and know if He did this for me, He will do it for you.

As you can see, I was rebellious. My problem was as soon as I would get released, I would go back right back to the same thing. I messed up my new chance. Going to jail should have been a lesson to me. I was in denial that I was in the wrong a lot of times. I should have been thankful I was not dead or in way more trouble than I was. I should have admitted I was wrong and pursued a new beginning with the faith to match. I needed a breakthrough. I needed to start being more discerning. The two mug shots in the second set of pictures on the right side are from are from 2007. I had gone to jail, got out, and went back to jail about a month later. In between these arrests, I went back to the same things. My boyfriend and I were at his friend's house. We were in a bedroom and things started to escalate. I had really long hair. He had a pair of scissors and started to cut my hair. I heard three whacks and he held up my hair in the air. You can see my hair longer in the top picture and shorter in the bottom picture. It is imperative to stop going back.

It is important to forgive everyone for everything. Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die from it. If God forgives us for everything we ever did, He expects us to forgive others as well. I have severely hurt people myself. The problem was more with me going back to the same lifestyle over and over. I forgave the man that done it, but I should have not gone back. I did not belong in those hotels on those drugs. Maybe you are facing something you must let go of, too. God will make a way for you. God rescued me from this lifestyle. Seek Him with all you are.

There was so much grace in my life through these things that I never recognized. It is significant to recognize His grace in our lives. There was a time he had a gun he wanted to show to his friend and told me to go get it out of the car. I had this sensation to get the bullet out of the gun. I am not very good with guns, but I managed to get the bullet out and stick it in my pocket. I went inside and gave him the gun. He showed it to his friend, smiled, cocked it back, pointed it at me, and pulled the trigger. I pulled the bullet out of my pocket and told them I was glad I had pulled the bullet out of the gun. I do not think he knew the bullet was in the gun. I probably would have died right then had I been shot. It was as if I was blind. Where would I have gone if I had died like this? I honestly think it was God who kept me alive throughout all these years.

I got arrested while I was on probation one time and I wound up violating the probation. I served ninety days and was put in drug court. Initially, you must go to a rehab when you start out in drug court. I did not have the confidence in myself to make it through a year of drug court. The Bible says we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength (Philippians 4:13). I was not standing on God's promises like I should have. During my times of affliction, I was kept alive by God and endured them, but was not learning the things I should have. I kept going in the wrong direction. I would go to the men. I would try to numb the pain with drugs or alcohol. I would attempt to forget about my despair. The storm was beating me up because I was not rooted and grounded in Christ. Once I started holding on to the Lord and setting my heart to seek Him through my struggles in life, I started to learn and grow through my trials. He started teaching me and I became stronger. We must grab a hold of that nail-scarred hand and never let it go. If we hold on to God through the storms, He will keep us strong and able to endure anything. He is a firm foundation. If He is for us, who can be against us? It would be through faith in Him that I found my way.

I went to rehab but ran away. I got my boyfriend to pick me up and I was a fugitive for about four months. I had gotten pregnant with my son while on the run. After getting picked up, the court had me write a paper on why I should be given another chance. They reinstated me in drug court. I lasted a little while. I was still with the man and after I had my son I came to court with a black eye. I had several black eyes that would cover part of my face and last over a month at a time. I would not tell the truth in drug court that he had done this to me. It violated policy, so they revoked me and I had to flatten my sentence. I remember looking at my baby boy when he was two months old through the visitation glass. My family wound up taking care of him and my little girl.

Now, I look back and see how the times I went to jail were actually saving my life. I have heard so many people who say they are thankful they did go to prison because they would have never been able to stop otherwise. I was being brought out of the situations I was in. It was as if I was being rescued. I was so attached to the world on the outside. The jail time was extremely hard for me to do. Peace is a fruit of the Spirit. I would have found peace with God and by letting those other things go. We have to forget the things that are behind us and reach forth for the things that are before us (Philippians 3:13). I wound up reading the Bible in jail and I would get so close to God. The jail ministers were such a light to me. I still to this day love those people. I remember several things they told me. One lady placed her hand on my chest and prayed for me to have a new heart. Once, I took a class and a man taught us about falling prostrate which is where you lie face down in the floor in the humblest position possible before God. I did this and poured my heart out to God. I was in such despair in that jail. To my surprise, I found grace when I went to court. Only, when I got out, I went right back to the same thing. Things always would get worse when I did this. I was not taking the Word out of that place with me. I was not thinking about God's will, praying like I should, or going to church. I was not being a mom. I was a wicked sinner. The Bible talks about a dog returning to its vomit and a sow that has been washed clean returning to the mire (Proverbs 26:11). I deserved to die, but God never gave up on me. I did not die in my iniquity as I could have and that means everything to me. Jesus met me right in the middle of my sin.

My boyfriend disappeared one day. I did not know what happened until a long time afterwards. He skipped state and I did not know if he was dead or alive. I felt so lost. I truly was lost without God. I wandered a few months after that searching for ways to numb the pain. One night, I had a wreck and I had warrants out for me. My car started spinning in three hundred and sixty degree turns down the middle a main avenue in town. I grabbed my seat and as quickly as I could and I spoke out loud asking God to forgive me of my sins. I thought I was going to die on impact. I hit a pole and was unscathed. I jumped out and knocked on doors. It was almost as if I was ready to turn myself in. A schoolmate of mine was the arresting officer. When I went in, I was transported to my home county and they drug tested me three days after being in jail. Meth is typically out of your system in three days and a drug test comes up clear. My urine looked like hot sauce. They told me I had enough meth in me to kill an elephant. I went to court and the judge sentenced me to a year rehab. I said, "What about my kids?" and he told me that I needed to get myself right before I could be a good mother to my kids. He was exactly right. I went to a faith-based rehab and then a halfway house. Out of all the rehabs, this one helped the most. If you know of anyone seeking treatment, make sure they know faith-based is the route to take.

After I got out of the faith-based rehab, eventually, I was back into the same things. I was running around a lot and got back on drugs. Someone really has to want to quit. When I gave birth to another little girl, I quit. My parents had been raising my other two and I really wanted to keep this little girl. I knew that if DCS drug tested me they could perform a hair test and find drug use from months prior. I stopped doing drugs, but I started drinking. I guess I used reasoning that since it was legal, it was alright. Sometimes the things that are legal can be much worse than illegal things. My reasoning was wrong. I became a bad alcoholic. It got where I would drink a fifth of vodka in a day or two. I began as soon as I got up in the mornings. I would keep bottles hid underneath my pillow or stashed in my purse. If my family would find them, they would pour them out. I would get sloppy drunk. I did some horrible things while I was drunk. Many times, I would wake up ashamed if I could even remember the things I did. There were times I would wet the bed or get up and go in the middle of the floor. I had been so cruel to my family over the years. For years we had problems. I had spit on my father before, cussed my parents, and treated my dear sweet granny like a dog. This lady was there for me through everything. There were a couple of times I got arrested for assaulting my own family. They really did not know what to do, but they wanted me alright. I was able to keep a job some. I wound up getting married. I wanted to please my grandparents and not live with men being unmarried. I wound up getting a divorce. The drinking did not help things but made things much worse.

I had a few friends that I grew up with and we were very close through school. We were like best friends. They got out of the drug scene and started to get married. One of the girls invited me to her bachelorette party. This was right after I had my third child. I brought my own bottle of vodka and was drinking that along with the alcohol that was given at the party. I had my first blackout that night. I woke up the next morning and picked up the phone to call one of the girls. They asked me if I remembered what happened the night before. I didn't remember and asked what happened. She told me I had gotten in a fistfight with the bride-to-be, my friend since we were about five years old. Evidentially, this was my fault or I had started it. I felt horrible and so embarrassed. I was heartbroken. The girl did not invite me to her wedding and neither did the others. My friends sort of stopped hanging out with me after that. I could say that I lost my best friends of over twenty years over alcoholism. You always lose with drugs and alcohol.

The book of Proverbs is rich in wisdom. Proverbs 20:1 says, "Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise." The answer lies within the Book. It is important to grow very familiar with it and allow it to be a lamp to our feet and a light to our path. We will grow wise in ways we never could without it.

In Luke 13:23, one of the disciples asked Jesus, "Lord, are there few that be saved?" Jesus did not say whether there would or would not be many saved, but we read that He says, "Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able. When once the master of the house is risen up, and hath shut to the door, and ye begin to stand without, and to knock at the door, saying, 'Lord, Lord, open unto us' and he shall answer and say unto you, 'I know you not whence ye are.' Then shall ye begin to say, 'We have eaten and drunk in thy presence, and thou hast taught in our streets.' But he shall say, 'I tell you, I know you not whence ye are; depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity' " (v.24-27). The key word in this is strive. The word strive is the Greek word agonizomai. It is used in scripture meaning to fight, labor fervently, to struggle, contend with an adversity, endeavor to accomplish something, or compete for a prize (Thayer & Smith, n.d.). It looks like the English word agonizing. We must strive to enter in at the straight gate. Jesus said, "I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture. The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly" (John 10:9-10). We can live that life Jesus died to give us.

He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds. Psalm 147:3
Chapter Four

The Conversion

But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ. Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ. Philippians 3:8 (KJV)

After years of being off drugs and just drinking, I got involved with another man who was doing meth. I had known him for a long time and I knew he was into IV drug use. I thought I could help him, but rather than pulling him out, I wound up getting pulled back in. I was drinking all the time and started using drugs again. Then, the abuse started back up. This went on for about a year and a half. This time, I do not think I would have made it out alive had it not been for God. There were many days I spent hiding from him when things got aggressive. I was getting beaten on a regular basis. I kept going back over and over again. I began to get desperate and hopeless. I started slipping away.

God reveals Himself to us in many ways. One day while he was sleeping, I was sitting there and everything was quiet. Things got still. Sometimes getting still can be a lifesaver. I felt compelled to go to God. It was like an urge I had and I said within myself, "I am going to spend a moment with My Father in prayer." Pay close attention to these urges. It was probably the best move I ever made.

I walked outside where there was no one there but God and me. I stepped up on top of this concrete block. I stretched my arms straight out and began to pour out loudly to Heaven. I prayed like never before. I did not know what I was saying; I just knew I was praying. I knew what I felt in my heart. I knew I needed to take my focus off the things I had been focusing on and come to God. I knew He could help me. I did not realize what had happened that day when I prayed until a few weeks later. Something amazing happened that day I stepped out to pray.

After this, the guy got picked up for assaulting me and went to jail. Like I mentioned before, when my boyfriends went to jail, I would basically write them daily. I spent a lot of time on writing these letters. I found an old box in my parents' attic from the early 2000's containing a bunch of letters that were written over the course of a few months between an old boyfriend and me. I knew there had been a lot more written. Here is a picture of the letters that had been kept:

So, I was writing this man while he was in jail almost every day. I had bonded him out on several occasions before, even when he had gotten arrested for assault on me. He had accumulated several charges and was in quite a bit of trouble. After I went out and prayed that day, things started changing. I really started to fear God. This made a huge difference.

Rahab feared the Lord and wound up being saved. She lived in the pagan city of Jericho and they knew they had it coming when Israel was about to conquer the Promised Land. In Joshua 2, we read, "And she said unto the men, I know that the Lord hath given you the land, and that your terror is fallen upon us, and that all the inhabitants of the land faint because of you. For we have heard how the Lord dried up the water of the Red sea for you, when ye came out of Egypt; and what ye did unto the two kings of the Amorites, that were on the other side Jordan, Sihon and Og, whom ye utterly destroyed. And as soon as we had heard these things, our hearts did melt, neither did there remain any more courage in any man, because of you: for the Lord your God, He is God in heaven above, and in earth beneath" (v. 9-11). Rahab went on to hide the spies, her entire household was spared, and she wound up in the lineage of Jesus (Matthew 1:5).

Proverbs 9:10 says, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom." Oh, how true this is! It is necessary to fear the Lord. Fear coupled with faith is a remarkable thing! David said, "The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring for ever: the judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether more to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold: sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb" (Psalm 19:9-10). Granny was there for me through it all. I would repeatedly ask my granny frantically, "Do you think I am going to Heaven?" She would answer me and tell me, "Yes, Misty, you will go to Heaven," but afterward she told me she really did not know what to tell me.

I put down the pen where I was writing those letters to that man and picked up the Word of God and began to read the letter God gave to us. I knew in a world of lies, I could go to the only thing I knew to be solid Truth. I started studying the Bible often and I was enwrapped in the Word. I was humbled. I knew my thinking had been wrong. So many things started happening when I got in the Bible. My life began to transform. I had neglected reading in the Bible for so many years and I walked in darkness because of it. The Word will clean us (Psalm 119:9, John 15:3). I read more and more and am still reading. I think we should make a decision to read the Word every day for the rest of our lives. It is alive and vital. You always find something new and helpful. There is nothing on this earth like the Word of God and it will endure forever. Revelation 3:18 says, "I counsel thee to buy of me gold tried in the fire, that thou mayest be rich; and white raiment, that thou mayest be clothed, and that the shame of thy nakedness do not appear; and anoint thine eyes with eyesalve, that thou mayest see." We become rich when we go to the Word.

I started to get in the gospel: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. I started reading about Jesus. I came to what Jesus said while He was on the cross. Matthew 27:46 says, "And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, 'Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?' that is to say, 'My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?' " My jaw dropped in amazement that evening as I reclined in my bed reading my Bible and I will never forget it. I had spoken these same words that day when I went outside to pray and stood on that rock. I did not know what I was saying because it was in another language. I had prayed in the Spirit that day I went out to pray. I had spoken in tongues and interpreted what I said. I had never done this before, but always believed in this. I knew speaking in tongues and interpretation go together. My grandfather was Pentecostal and I had heard women who came down to the jail to minister to us do this. Most importantly, I read about it. I knew that the Word of God was true. I knew from that very moment that Jesus Christ was real. I knew this man died for me to live. My life was forever changed. The Bible is not just a story, the people were actual people. The miracles are real. I was ecstatic and filled with joy. I knew I needed to get deeper into the Word. I knew I had to repent.

He led captivity captive and gave gifts unto men. Ephesians 4:8

That was not the only thing that had happened that day.

As I trekked on through the gospel with more intent than ever before, I came to the book of Mark where Jairus, a synagogue ruler in Capernaum, came to Jesus to seek help for his daughter who was dying. The scripture tells us Jesus "took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, 'Talitha cumi' which is, being interpreted, 'Damsel, I say unto thee, arise' " (Mark 5:41). I had also said "Talitha cumi" very clearly that day I prayed. I remember my tongue rolling and me annunciating the syllables as I cried loudly to Heaven. I had spoken each phrase twice. My eyes were opened and it was as if was given a new heart. As you can see, from the things I had spoken: "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani" and "Talitha cumi" there was a dying on the cross with Jesus and a rising from death to life. I had understanding. This totally solidifies the gospel message! I was so humbled. I felt like God wanted me and after all I had done. After all the rejection and despair, I felt more love and than I could have imagined. I found more hope than I knew existed. This is so huge. Know that God wants you and loves you enormously. The love I found with God and His calling exceeded anything I had ever known. It eclipsed and surpassed everything else. Nothing else compared or even come close. David said, "What is man, that Thou art mindful of him and the son of man, that thou visitest him?" (Psalm 8:4). I felt the same way. I was stunned that the Almighty God of all creation and exalted over everything that exist would look down upon me. I found so much grace and mercy showered upon me and it lit a fire under my faith. If this is for me, it is for anybody.

I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20

I had been a wicked sinner, but God was willing to forgive me of everything I ever did. He loved me anyway and gave me another chance that I so desperately needed. If He gave me that chance, He will give you that chance as well. God abundantly pardons. I gave my life and my all to the Lord after this. I wanted to go all the way in with God. The best way to explain it was that the love of God was shed abroad in my heart by the Holy Ghost. The world started to lose its grip on me. I started studying more and more. Everything started to make sense in the Bible. The more I read, the more I learned. I believed. It says we are saved by grace through faith (Ephesians 2:8). My roots went deep in grace. All we have to do is believe with all our heart that Jesus Christ died for our sins and rose the third day. We believe in our heart to righteousness and confess with our mouths unto salvation (Romans 10:10). Since he rose, we rise, too. You can fall to your knees on the floor a sinner and rise up a brand-new creation in Christ Jesus. I had been missing out on fellowship with God for so many years! There was so much more to my Christian walk that I had not discovered. First John 1:6-7 says, "If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth: But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin." The fellowship with God is marvelous. I failed for so long to see Him actively moving in my life. I wanted to get to know God more. I had a new hunger for Him. It took me so long! God was still there to accept me with open arms.

Before, I did not understand that someone could be in right standing with God. Over time, my sins were accumulating, and I was not even paying attention to this. Every day I was involved in sinful activity and constantly storing up wrath for myself. James 5:20 says, "Let him know, that he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death and shall hide a multitude of sins." This verse really stands out to me. For one thing, by converting someone, they will no longer be on their way to the suffering of Hell. Conversion is definitely the way to go. Additionally, by conversion, we "hide a multitude of sins." I think back of how sinful my life was just in one day out of the week. I would sin all day long. By the end of the week, there is no telling how many sins I would have committed. When a sinner changes his path in life to follow Jesus, there are many years of sin that has been prevented from happening. I was not being watchful of sin like I should have been. I did not realize that you could be preserved blameless without spot and blemish until the day of redemption. If we sin, we can repent and ask for forgiveness. Repentance is more than just feeling bad for something we did. It is turning in a different direction away from sin, not doing those things anymore, and looking to God for forgiveness and salvation. We are in right standing with God and forgiven when we come to know Christ Jesus as our Savior. We can have a good conscience. There is so much power in His blood! That is where we find redemption. I want you to know without a doubt Jesus Christ is real and He is alive. New life comes through Him. Not only that, Jesus rose from the dead and we will rise after we die.

Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2

I found so much comfort and healing in the Word. I felt so encouraged like never before and found new strength in Jesus. I found guidance in the Truth. Jesus explained, "If ye love me, keep my commandments and I will pray the Father,

and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you forever; Even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you. I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also. At that day ye shall know that I am in my Father, and ye in me, and I in you" (John 14:15-20). Here are a few more verses that stood out to me:

But when the Comforter is come, whom I will send unto you from the Father, even the Spirit of truth, which proceedeth from the Father, he shall testify of me: And ye also shall bear witness... John 15:26-27

Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you into all truth: for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak: and he will shew you things to come. John16:13  
But ye shall receive power, after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you: and ye shall be witnesses unto me both in Jerusalem, and in all Judaea, and in Samaria, and unto the uttermost part of the earth. Acts 1:8

I needed to be guided in the Truth. God continued to work on me. I started seeking Him and studying often. I truly wanted more understanding. I would research on the Internet, look up words in the dictionary, and I started reading Bible commentaries. I downloaded the Strong's Concordance app on my phone which was very helpful. The Strong's Concordance is an index of every word in the Bible in the original language. The app defined the word and showed me all the other places in the Bible where the word is used. I was being edified. I sparked a new interest in everything in the Bible. I wanted to know God more and what He wanted from me. I had to get to know God. This is something all new converts should seek. The Word is fascinating to me. I do not see how we can live without the Word and in all reality, we can't. It brings eternal life.

When people pray in tongues, they are actually speaking in another language. First Corinthians 14:13 says, "Wherefore let him that speaketh in an unknown tongue pray that he may interpret." I have read about a man making clicking noises with his tongue and one day a foreign missionary walked in and heard him said, "Oh, if you can hear how he's praising the Lord!" He recognized the clicks as Zulu, a language of Africa (Nelson, 2018). Upon studying, I came to 1 Corinthians 14:4 which says, "He that speaketh in an unknown tongue edifieth himself; but he that prophesieth edifieth the church." By speaking in tongues, I was being edified. I looked up the word edifieth in the Strong's concordance and the word in Greek is oikodomeó. It means house builder, to build up (from the foundation), erect a building, to restore or repair (Thayer & Smith, n.d.). I started to be built up in my most holy faith (Jude 1:20). I was being born again. That which once was dead started to come alive. Just like Jairus's daughter was risen, I rose to new life. Everyone thought Jairus's daughter was dead, and I am sure a lot of people did not think there was much hope for me. There is something that happens to you when you start to believe the gospel of Jesus Christ. This "something" only happens through God. The love of God was manifested to me. If I had known how much He loved me before, I would not have been living like I was. His love was all I needed. I think it is important for us to grasp this love. This is an amazing love. For us to be such small creatures like we are and for God to look upon us in such adoration and steadfast love is awesome. For Him to know every minute detail of our lives, care about all our sorrows, give us triumph in our battles, show endless mercy, lavish us with His tender loving kindness, and abundantly pardon our iniquity is awe-inspiring. There is no one like our God. You will never find anything bigger in your life than the calling of the Lord. God is big and so is His love. Nothing will ever satisfy you like God does.

Someone had won about a gallon of Smirnoff vodka in a drawing and knew I was a vodka drinker, so they gave it to me. My life was transforming and it just did not feel right to drink. When you get close to God, those things of the world you did before will start seeming very awkward. This is a good thing because you will never want to wander. I realized my body was my temple. The Word warns us about being sober and the effects of wine and I had this new fear of God swelling up in me coupled with a drive toward obedience and total surrender. I wanted to stop getting drunk and overtaken with alcohol. It is a good thing to want things that are not of God to feel so awkward to you that you run from them and toward Him. One night at the end of 2015, I cut my back-porch light on and walked out in the dark, just me and God, and poured that entire bottle of vodka out and have not touched it since then.

I started realizing the importance of prayer. Before I was not praying like I should, and prayer is such a beautiful relationship with the Lord. It is crucial, imperative, necessary and fundamental. Not only do we pour our heart out to Him in praise and thanksgiving which He so rightly deserves, but we start getting prayers answered and experience joy from fellowship with our Father. How will we have a relationship with anyone if we do not talk to them? It just amazes me how we actually hear from God and can be in a relationship with Him! He oftentimes surprises us.

I had stopped most of my medication and was dwindling down to some kind of bipolar/anxiety medicine. I am not really sure if that was what it was for or what it was actually doing to me, but I did not want to take medication anymore. A teacher once told us that the medicine we take for depression could actually make us more depressed and suicidal. Sometimes the side effects outweigh the benefits. I pondered the power of God. We can look at the universe and know He is all-powerful. I had been under a doctor's care and decided not to go back for my next appointment. I stood over my stove, medication in front of me and prayed to the Lord telling Him that I totally wanted to depend on Him. I quit taking all medications. I had tried to take all kinds of medicines on and off of for years and they never solved my problems. Since I found Jesus, I have never been so stable in my life.

I want you to realize something very important. Had I not read my Bible after that prayer, I probably would have never interpreted what I said. I must put emphasis on the importance of reading the Word. I must convince you of this. Make time. This could be the best thing that you have ever done just like it was for me. When you taste of His Word, you will develop a hunger for Him that nothing else can satisfy. When you read it, start applying it to your life and do not let anyone or anything stop you. Do not think you already know what it says. Read it daily and feed your soul. Do not say since you have read it before that you do not need to again. Refresh your memory and start talking to others about what it says. You can find something new every time. I have heard of people who have read the same scripture hundreds of times and probably even taught it and one day it just comes to life to them and directly applies to their current circumstance and situation. There is so much power in the Word. There are sweet moments in the Word. You will start to have revelation. Be willing to read. Do not make any excuses. Do not think you cannot see well enough to read the print. There are ways around that by getting glasses, larger print, audio Bibles, or downloading an app that will read to you (and they do exist). Do not be discouraged and think you cannot understand it. He rewards those who diligently seek Him (Hebrews 11:6). You can ask for understanding. Get under someone who can teach you. A mentor can be such a blessing. Remember, even Jesus needed someone to help Him carry the cross (Mark 15:21, Luke 23:26). Listen to preaching, watch it on television, read commentaries, dig into dictionaries, ask questions, attend Sunday School, and pray fervently. A good church is a good place to be. Romans 10:14 says, "How shall they believe on Him who they have not heard? And how shall they hear without a preacher?" By asking someone who adheres to sound doctrine to mentor or disciple you, you could experience so much growth. Then, you can pour into someone else. Jesus and twelve men changed the world. Seek Him like you would water if your head was on fire. Go to His Word and allow it to enlighten your eyes. Your mind will begin to be renewed. If you seek Him, you will find Him. You will reap the benefits like you could never imagine.

Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. 2 Timothy 2:15

Ephesians 2:8 says, "For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God." He offers us this beautiful gift of salvation. We just have to embrace it and realize what we have been given. We must become more aware that His Spirit dwells in us. When I had this conversion experience, I thought about the good things that God could do through me that I could never do on my own. I thought that if God could speak through me, I was going to yield myself to Him. Ephesians 2:10 says, "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them." I was ready to be good. Take a look at these verses that Paul wrote in the letter to the Romans in chapter 6: "Know ye not, that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness? But God be thanked, that ye were the servants of sin, but ye have obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine which was delivered you. Being then made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness. I speak after the manner of men because of the infirmity of your flesh: for as ye have yielded your members servants to uncleanness and to iniquity unto iniquity; even so now yield your members servants to righteousness unto holiness. For when ye were the servants of sin, ye were free from righteousness. What fruit had ye then in those things whereof ye are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death. But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life. For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord" (v. 16-23). We surrender to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. We become servants. We no longer live for self, but for God. It is so much better His way.

The big question in those verses is "what fruit had ye then in those things whereof ye are now ashamed?" What fruit did we bear? Were we not miserable? Getting caught breaking the law sends us to jail. We may have not gotten caught every time, but one day we would have to face the consequences without the blood of Jesus covering us. Every choice we make matters. One decision could turn your whole life in another direction. You can contract an STD for one night in the bed with someone. You could get hepatitis C from sharing one needle. You could die from putting one drug in your body. You could get HIV from one homosexual encounter. Someone could get killed in an accident in an instant. Sending one message to the wrong person could lead to an affair which leaves your marriage in ruins and leave you bearing the burden of adultery. One puff of marijuana could make you fail a drug test and cause you to lose your job, your children, or your freedom. One line of cocaine could cause you to fall off into full fledge addiction and you lose everything. I am sure you can think of some bad choices in your life that caused you grief and sorrow. Peace, guidance, and good fruit are from God. Why make bad choice after choice and pile sin upon sin? Passing up one opportunity to step from darkness to light could cost you so many rewards and even your eternity. Sometimes a person can get so used to walking in the darkness that those things become what is familiar to them. When we see the light of God, it is absolutely marvelous to us. We need to know there is a better way. Not listening to the right people can hurt us in the long run. God does come after us. We must watch that we do not fall into temptation.

My attitude held me back from so much. I would get angry a lot. I would fall apart. Oftentimes, I would just give up. Living a reckless lifestyle and going through so many disappointments can make you eventually lose hope. The world will leave you broken. We should never get the attitude where we "just do not care." I noticed when I got that kind of attitude, I almost always wound up in jail. If I had any money, it would go toward the wrong things. I would hunt down $8 to buy a bottle of vodka. If I had money, it would usually go toward buying cigarettes or drugs. I could not pay my bills or put gas in the car. Enjoying the pleasures of sin for a season is just not worth it. When you leave all that behind, you lose nothing and gain everything.

The music we listened to encouraged sin. This had to lead us in so many wrong directions and discourage us. There were a lot of songs and music videos were about murder, assault, sex, drugs, committing crime, and death. We often listened to music related to being hopeless and abandoned. This probably brought us down more. Proverbs 25:20 says, "As he that taketh away a garment in cold weather, and as vinegar upon nitre, so is he that singeth songs to a heavy heart." If you take away a garment in cold weather, you get colder. Inadvertently, Isaiah spoke about giving the garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness. (Isaiah 61:3). I think music makes an impact on you and your worship can get you through things. Chains can be broken. When you worship, you are acknowledging God for who He is and giving Him praise. Ephesians 5:19 says, "Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord." Your heart pumps blood throughout your whole body and what is in your heart will flow through your entire being. David was the author of many Psalms which are songs. He arranged for about 4,000 musicians to be in the temple praising God through song (1 Chronicles 23:5). David and a few other musicians prophesied through song (1 Chronicles 25:1). God is great and greatly to be praised from the rising of the sun to the going down of the same.

I heard Joel Osteen talking about how he turned on the radio one day and he heard, "You're no good, you're no good, you're no good, baby you're no good." He suggested listening to something more positive that tells you who you are with God. What a good point! I had no idea there was a world of the gospel thriving that I was missing out on! I discovered so many beautiful songs on radio stations like KLOVE and American Family Radio. I fell in love with this music. This music is so positive and encouraging. Joyce Meyer has said, "We need to think about what we are thinking about." I think the same principle applies to what music we are listening to. I knew I needed to start cutting things out of my life that were not enriching and not look back. Taste and see that God is god (Psalm 34:8). It truly fills its purpose when instruments are used to glorify God and people use their voices to sing to their Creator. Music is a powerful ministry. It was also helpful in teaching my little girl about God while we were driving down the road. What we do will influence our children.

God teaches us in His Word how to live. I kept my mind on the things of the world for so long. In the parable of the soils, it speaks about the seed being sown among the thorns: "And these are they which are sown among thorns; such as hear the word, and the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the lusts of other things entering in, choke the word, and it becometh unfruitful" (Mark 4:18-19). The seed is the Word. I was not being productive in bearing fruit which is not a good thing. I was letting the things of the world take over. The Bible says in Romans 8:13, "For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through The Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live." Oh, how I needed the Word! The word mortify means to become dead. The Word makes this clear what the deeds of the flesh are. We have to start saying "no" to the things we should say "no" to and "yes" to the things we should say "yes" to. Jesus makes such an impact on our lives that we are forever changed. It is better to be fully awakened to our lost condition before it is too late and find salvation in Jesus than to perish in unknown iniquity that has not been repented for. There must be a place in our lives where we realize we were wrong. We must start taking every thought captive and make it right by Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). When Jesus died on the cross, sin and death were conquered. He said, "It is finished" (John 19:30). He gives us the power to overcome. There is victory over sin in Jesus. There is a change that takes place. You can't be both darkness and light. Darkness flees from the light. Sweet and bitter water do not come from the same fountain. We are no longer slaves to sin, but sons and daughters of God. We are reconciled with God. The old man dies with the lust thereof, and the new man arises. We don't want the same things anymore. Who would want them? Who wants misery? Who wants hangovers? We must kill addiction before it kills us. We become warriors and soldiers for Christ.

But I say unto you, walk in the Spirit and you will not fulfill the lust of the flesh. Galatians 5:16
Chapter Five

Stand

Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Ephesians 6:13

In the book of Genesis, we read about how Eve fell into temptation in the Garden of Eden. Not only did Eve eat the forbidden fruit, she gave some to Adam. There are so many things we can learn by studying about temptation in the Word and how to avoid it. The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil was there in the garden just like temptation is going to be around us. We must say "no." We should always stand in the Word of God. They were not going to eat of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil at all until the serpent talked her into it. Satan knew before he even went to tempt Eve that they would die when they ate of the fruit. That is why he was called a murderer from the beginning (John 8:44). Notice the serpent did not bite Eve, he bit her thinking. The devil can't hurt us. He wants to try and make us hurt ourselves. He is a deceiver and tries to trick us. He told Eve that if she ate of the fruit that it would make her wise and she would be like God. Genesis 1:27 says, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them." Had she known that she was already made in the image of God, she would not think she needed something like a piece of fruit to make her into something she already was. Adam and Eve did not need that fruit. Love, joy and peace are fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22). We should not be deceived into thinking that we will find anything good by going against God's will. Our existence depends on believing the truth in what God says and not being led away from that.

Now, we have the perfect example of how to fight temptation with Jesus. We read about Jesus being tempted in the wilderness in Matthew 4 and Luke 4. This is so profound and when we use this tactic the same way Christ did, we come out victorious. Jesus went to the wilderness and fasted forty days and forty nights and the devil tempted him. Remember, Jesus had just been baptized by John the Baptist, the Holy Spirit descended on Him like a dove, and a voice came from Heaven saying, "This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased" (Matthew 3:16-17). As soon as Jesus was baptized and right before His ministry began, satan came after Him. The enemy tried to stop Jesus. He came to Him right after baptism and I think new believers should really endeavor to endure right after they get saved. When we are saved, we are not exempt from attacks of the enemy, but may in fact be targets. The enemy gets mad. Revelation 12 speaks of the end time when "they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death. Therefore rejoice ye heavens, and ye that dwell in them. Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! For the devil is come down unto you, having great wrath, because he knoweth that he hath but a short time" (v. 11-12). The enemy will try to get you down when he thinks he still has a chance, but you have not so learned Christ. Luke 22:31-32 bears witness that Jesus informed Simon Peter of the devils plans to thwart the gospel: "And the Lord said, 'Simon, Simon, behold, satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat: But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren.' " It is important to cover new converts in prayer. It is important for them to stand strong in the faith and fight just like Jesus did.

I am sure there were some powerful prayers coming from our Savior while He fasted and prayed in the wilderness. That probably upset satan as well. Jesus was familiar with the scriptures. He had known them as a child. He is our example of how we can withstand temptation and be more than conquerors. Here is the scripture from Matthew 4:

"Then was Jesus led up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the devil. And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was afterward an hungred. And when the tempter came to him, he said, 'If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be made bread.' But he answered and said, 'It is written, man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.' "

Jesus used Deuteronomy 8:3 against him which says, "And he humbled thee, and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with manna, which thou knewest not, neither did thy fathers know; that he might make thee know that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the Lord doth man live." This spoke about how God delivered the children of Israel from Egypt and fed them manna from Heaven. Jesus had the Word. He knew it and understood it. He fed off of it and hid it in His heart that He might not sin. He used the spoken Word as His weapon. He knew to walk humbly with God. Notice the enemy tried to tempt Him in a moment of weakness: while He was hungry. But Jesus did not give in and we should not either.

Starting back in verse 5 of Matthew 4: "Then the devil taketh him up into the holy city, and setteth him on a pinnacle of the temple, and saith unto him, 'If thou be the Son of God, cast thyself down: for it is written, He shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up, lest at any time thou dash thy foot against a stone.' Jesus said unto him, 'It is written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God.' " Another translation says, "You shall not put the Lord your God to the test" (ESV).

Jesus came back at him with the Word again. It seemed like when satan knew that Jesus was going to use the word against him, he tried himself to use the Word, but twisted it. That is why it is important to fully understand the scripture, rightly divide the word of truth, and have the entire counsel of God. This time Jesus told him it is also written to not tempt God. He used Deuteronomy 6:16 which says, "Ye shall not tempt the Lord your God, as ye tempted him in Massah." After Israel was delivered from Egypt, while in the wilderness, they ran into a place where there was no water. The children of Israel had already seen such provision and deliverance and they were not to doubt. Therefore, we know to never doubt God, either. God parted the Red Sea, gave them manna from Heaven, and made bitter water sweet (Exodus 15:23). Then, as we read in Exodus 17:3, they were contending with Moses saying, "Wherefore is this that thou hast brought us up out of Egypt, to kill us and our children and our cattle with thirst?" Moses called out to God and was told to strike the rock which brought forth water. We are to believe that God is always true and faithful.

Matthew 4 records another temptation in verses 8-11: "Again, the devil taketh him up into an exceeding high mountain, and sheweth him all the kingdoms of the world, and the glory of them; And saith unto him, 'All these things will I give thee, if thou wilt fall down and worship me.' Then saith Jesus unto him, 'Get thee hence, satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and Him only shalt thou serve.' Then the devil leaveth him, and, behold, angels came and ministered unto him." Do you see what happened? Satan offered Him the world. Christ was not seeking power, but power was given to Him through His faithfulness and obedience to God's will. His kingdom was not of this world. Not everything that glitters is gold. If the costs to get something are unrighteousness, it is not worth it. If it is meant for us to have it, God will give it to us. Jesus was faithful to His calling and nothing of the world would prevent God's will from happening in His life. He refused to turn His back on God. Thank God He withstood the enemy. What if He didn't? None of us would have any hope. Think of how many people could be saved and how much good could come if we fought off all our own temptations. Jesus had it settled in His heart to be faithful. Jesus was human like us and tempted in the same manner we are. Jesus used The Word of God and we can, too. First Corinthians 10:13 says, "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." We can overcome temptation. David Jeremiah said that an overcomer is no longer defined by sin but by his victories.

We are given spiritual armor in battle. Paul mentions this in Ephesians 6: "Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints" (v. 10-18).

Remember these things and have your spiritual armor ready daily. We have a real enemy out there, but we must resist him steadfast in the faith. Jesus spoke the Word as His weapon against satan. Load up on your spiritual ammunition. If you do not know The Word, you are poorly armed for battle. Become familiar with the scriptures and remember them. We need to gain all the knowledge and understanding we can so that we are not moved or deceived. The Word is your Sword. Try the same tactic Jesus used. I have heard it said that relapse starts in the mind. Knock out all manner of sin that starts in your mind calling upon the name of the Lord and by using scripture. You are a new creature. The old man is passed away and all things have become new (2 Corinthians 5:17).

For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Hebrews 4:12

In Ephesians 6:13, it says, "Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand." The Greek word for stand is histemi (Biblehub, 2018). It looks like the English word histamines. Histamines are part of our bodies' defense system. Histamines respond to abnormalities that occur in our bodies. This could be things like allergens, pet dander, pollen, etc. Our immune system sees them as a threat and responds (WebMD, n. d.).

The word withstand used in this scripture is the Greek word anthistemi which means to oppose, stand against, refusing to be moved, holding one's ground (Bible Hub, 2018). It looks like the word "antihistamine" which is a medicine we take that blocks an allergic reaction. In like manner, we are to block satan's attacks. We see the same Greek word, anthistémi, used in other scripture as resist in the following scriptures:

James 4:7 Submit yourselves to God. Resist (anthistémi) the devil and he will flee from you.

1 Peter 5:8-9 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: Whom resist (anthistémi) stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world."

I want to see people have victory. I want to see people stop going back. We must fight the good fight of faith. There is an inspiring story in 2 Kings 13: "Now Elisha was fallen sick of his sickness whereof he died. And Joash the king of Israel came down unto him, and wept over his face, and said, 'O my father, my father, the chariot of Israel, and the horsemen thereof.' And Elisha said unto him, 'Take bow and arrows.' And he took unto him bow and arrows. And he said to the king of Israel, 'Put thine hand upon the bow.' And he put his hand upon it: and Elisha put his hands upon the king's hands. And he said, 'Open the window eastward.' And he opened it. Then Elisha said, 'Shoot.' And he shot. And he said, 'The arrow of the Lord's deliverance, and the arrow of deliverance from Syria: for thou shalt smite the Syrians in Aphek, till thou have consumed them.' And he said, 'Take the arrows.' And he took them. And he said unto the king of Israel, 'Smite upon the ground.' And he smote thrice, and stayed. And the man of God was wroth with him, and said, 'Thou shouldest have smitten five or six times; then hadst thou smitten Syria till thou hadst consumed it: whereas now thou shalt smite Syria but thrice' " (v. 14-19). I want to stir you up to keep fighting. Keep smiting. Keep smiting in the battle against sin. Keep smiting against temptation. Keep smiting to never give up. Keep smiting to grow more and more. Keep smiting to do more for the kingdom of God. Keep smiting because satan, the flesh and the world are not going to quit smiting you. No matter how far down you have fallen, start fighting and when you get back up, be diligent to stay there. Fight to the very end. Whatever it is that is trying to overtake you, never give in and never give up. The Bible says, "And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved" (Matthew 24:12-13). Don't you ever give up.

With every swing you get stronger and with every step you scale, you get higher. Climb out of that pit. In Psalm 40:2, David said, "He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings." He will get you out. Do not stop smiting until you have the strength to stand and then never think that you are in the clear until we see Christ's face. He is our hope. He is the beginning and the end.

Whatever it is that is beating you down or you are falling victim to, whether adultery, pornography, alcohol, pills, drugs, fornication, homosexuality, or anything else, start swinging. You don't have to let that get you down! This does not mean to be violent or physically swing, but you can swing by steadily and consistently saying "no" until you have overcome any temptation that could cause you to fall. Don't fail because you didn't fight hard enough. You have got to settle this in your heart, make up your mind to follow Jesus, and turn your nose like a flint in the right direction. Do not stop until it is gone and you are completely done. If it is drugs, you have got to start abhorring drugs. Psalm 34:14 says, "Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it." When we submit our lives to the Lord, we want to make sure everything we do is in His will. We must ask ourselves what God wants us to do and surrender to Him and not do what we want or think is right. If we are not following God, seeking what He wants in every situation and praying, we may do something and look around and realize just how deep we have sunk in a bad situation. Proverbs 14:12 says, "There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death." We need discernment. Charles Stanley said that living life not listening to your conscience is like driving down the street running through every red light.

For many years, I was involved in ungodly relationships. Some of the relationships were full of drug use, violence, and breaking the law. The Bible says that the man is supposed to love the wife and the wife is supposed to submit to the husband. I would feel bad for the men and try to help them. If a woman submits to a man who is broken, especially on drugs, it could bring her down if she is not steadfast in her faith. There is a difference between lust and love. I did not have good morals and I was lustful. I would go from man to man and not be married. Hebrews 13:4 says, "Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge." I thought I had to have a man in my life and that this would make me happy but going about it the wrong way left me feeling so rejected and empty. I was so weak without a foundation in God. I put all I had in these relationships and it never satisfied. You cannot fully satisfy the flesh. Jesus told the woman at the well who had been married five times that whoever drank from the well would thirst again, but whoever drank of the water that He gave would never thirst again but the water that He gives shall be a well of water springing up into everlasting life (John 4:13-14). No matter what anyone else says about you, never forget how much God loves you. I found something I never had - strength to stand on my own and a firm foundation in God. By believing in His Word, I was totally transformed and edified. He never gave up on me even when I could not see these things.

Everyone has different temptations. James 1:14-16 says, "For each man is tempted when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then, when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death." Each person has their own bait. I could only imagine how Samson felt when he put his trust in Delilah who betrayed him. The Philistines bound him, cut his hair, gouged his eyes out, and put him in prison (Judges 16). I started to have understanding of God's will and His Word. One verse that made so much sense to me was "Now the body is not for

fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body" (1 Corinthians 6:13). Things were different when I stopped sleeping around with men. I felt better. I was able to have a closer walk with God. The Bible says, "Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body" (1 Corinthians 6:18). I am not saying that being in a relationship is wrong if you are married. Marriage is a beautiful thing. However, if chasing men or women has become a hindrance in your life, the Lord can deliver you from that. I was always so lonely, but that is not the case anymore. I can honestly say that I have never been happier. I am not lonely anymore. The only way that is possible is because of God. If you suffer from loneliness or co-dependency, God has the cure. I feel His presence and know He is with me. He watches over me. He became my Rock. If you are involved in one broken relationship after another, be still, be strong, and give your everything to God. Give Him your whole heart. Give yourself time to get to know Him and get to know yourself. Let God make you into who He wants you to be. I guarantee you will find more peace, joy, love, and happiness searching for God and His will than you will the former things.

I had to stop doing the same things over and over. I had to quit going back. We have to quit getting distracted. In 1 Corinthians 9:25-27, Paul said, "And every man that striveth for the mastery is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a corruptible crown; but we an incorruptible. I therefore so run, not as uncertainly; so fight I, not as one that beateth the air: But I keep under my body and bring it to subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway." Paul compared running for the prize of the high calling to an athlete and a boxer. The English Standard Version reads, "But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified." Self-control and temperance are fundamental and we should make every effort to keep our integrity. The word castaway in this verse is the Greek word adokimos. It is used for something that is unapproved or rejected. The same word is used in other scripture in the KJV where we see the word reprobate. James 1:12 says, "Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love Him." We have crowns awaiting us. Let nothing take your crown. There is nothing worth missing Heaven over. Nothing.

Some people do not have another chance. There may not be time later on to get things right. You may not be alive next Sunday to go to church, so why not go this Sunday? After being invited to church, you could have ten other things that you allow to pull you away from that, and a year comes around and you still have not been. Then, another year passes by. James 4:14 says, "For what is your life? It is even a vapour that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away." We are running out of time. We are here to be a people to God. I found out after all those years of living in the flesh that I was missing out on true joy. I guarantee if you make a decision in the light of the Word, you will be so glad you did.

God never gave up on me. This was huge to me. With an attitude like I had, if Jesus can rescue me and enter into my heart, He can do that to anybody.

There is a man that died for you. Think about that.

There is nothing too condemned that He cannot restore. If you still have breath in your lungs, you have to opportunity to seek the Lord. The thief who was crucified beside Jesus was able to talk to Him and Jesus told him that he would be in paradise with Him that day (Luke 23:43). There is hope in Jesus.

I had no idea the prodigal I had become. Have you ever heard the story of the prodigal son? I think it is important to include the following scripture about the prodigal son for people who may have never heard this before. You can find this in Luke 15:

And He said: A certain man had two sons: And the younger of them said to his father, "Father, give me the portion of goods that falleth to me." And he divided unto them his living. And not many days after the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living. And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land; and he began to be in want. And he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country; and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him. And when he came to himself, he said, "How many hired servants of my father's have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee. And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants.' " And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. And the son said unto him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son." But the father said to his servants, "Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet: And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry: For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found." And they began to be merry.

As you can see, the prodigal son wandered away in a far land. Then in verse 17, it says he "came to himself." There was a turning point with him. We must come to our senses when we see our situation has gotten bad and return to our Father. He accepts us with open arms. The father "ran" to him when he saw him coming (v.20). Compare the story with us. The father represents God. The story refers to his son "who was once dead." We can be spiritually dead. The prodigal went to His father humbly asking forgiveness like we would with God in prayer. Do not be afraid to leave your past behind. There was a famine where the prodigal wandered. He wanted things the pigs ate and pigs were considered unclean animals in Jewish culture. If you are far away, the Father wants you back. There is someone who cares whether you live or die and we should care about ourselves, too. When the prodigal returned, notice that the father blessed him with gifts – a robe, sandals for his feet, and a ring on his finger. God gives us gifts as well. We can't survive without our Daddy.

Some of us may have wandered far away from our Heavenly Father, but He is just waiting on us to return to Him. Psalm 86:5 says, "For thou, Lord, art good, and ready to forgive; and plenteous in mercy unto all them that call upon thee." Psalm 103:8 says "The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abundant in mercy."

I saw a girl who was walking down the road with bags who I felt led to pick up a while back. After all, I had been that girl walking down the road before. I picked her up and she told me about how she was struggling in addiction. I began to witness to her. I was on my way to church and I asked if she wanted to go. She paused and said, "Yes, I do". We had amazing worship and I looked over and her head was bowed. On the way home, she told me that she had remembered something that her sponsor had told her a long time ago. She had told her that one day she would get tired of it and she would have to cry out to God for help. She said she had never said anything and meant it like she did in that moment, but she said out loud, "God, I can't do this anymore, please help me." She told me that no longer than she got it out of her mouth, she saw my break lights and was on her way to worship. She was walking through several towns trying to make it back to her children. He did not see her as a drug addict. He wanted this girl and was waiting on her to turn to Him. There are so many verses in the book of Psalm where David cried out to the Lord with His voice and He delivered him. I have heard story after story of people who prayed and after they cried out, they found deliverance. I see it all the time. Once He delivers us, we must remember what He does and stick with Him. Who would want anything else? I have seen women in bad situations leave everything they have including clothing and toxic relationships and the Lord provided them with every need. I should have cried out to God. If you cry, cry out to God. As soon as I did, He would answer my prayer and I will never forget it.

I cried unto the LORD with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. Psalm 3:4 (KJV)

Another parable in Luke 15 reads:

What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it? And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he cometh home, he calleth together his friends and neighbours, saying unto them, 'Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost.' I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance (v. 4-7).

I notice two major things in these verses. The first thing is that God comes after us. He comes looking for us when we go astray. He sent Jesus for the lost to be found. If you are lost, He is looking for you and waiting on you to come home. The second thing I noticed is that God has great joy over one sinner that repents. Is God not worthy of abundant joy? If this is what makes God joyful, should we not all try to make this happen? God spoke through Ezekiel by telling him, "Say unto them, As I live, saith the Lord God, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked; but that the wicked turn from his way and live: turn ye, turn ye from your evil ways; for why will ye die, O house of Israel" (33:11)? God does not have any pleasure in the death of the wicked. The death of His saints is precious in his sight (Psalm 116:15). So, we live for Christ and we die for Christ. Second Peter 3:9 says that God "is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance." I found hope in a way that was not my own, but a new way – His Way. God does want you. He loves you so much. He knows everything about you and wants to heal your brokenness and give you new life, a future, and hope that cannot be measured. He has done all these things through a marvelous work in Jesus Christ. Will you accept Jesus?

Jesus can make such an impact on your life. We must never forget what He did. I meditated on this man, God's Son, born of a virgin, sent from God 2,000 years ago, who was sent for me. He died an excruciating death. As a matter of fact,

the word excruciating is from the Latin word excruciare which means "to crucify" (Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, n.d.). The root word means "the cross." Jesus went through unbearably painful, extreme agony on that cross for us. He was falsely accused, beaten, ridiculed, betrayed, spit upon, and killed for us to have everlasting life. I have read that people who are crucified have to pull themselves up by their hands and bracing up on their feet which are driven through with nails each time they need to take a breath. He was on the cross for hours, so there could have been a constant pulling himself up and lowering himself. The Romans would eventually break their legs if they did not die after a while. Just thinking about nails being driven in your hands and feet being hammered into a wooden cross is unbearable. The most painful part of His death was probably when He cried out to God, "Why has Thou forsaken me?" He not only died, but He gave Himself for us (John 10:18). The love of God is proven to us through Christ. We are given a lively hope. We need a personal relationship with our Savior. I felt like I was given that. I felt like He spared me. I was so wrong and so blind. Jesus became my everything. For years, I had been pursing men who had been beating on me, but all that changed when I knew there was One who was sent, was beaten, and died for me. I was done with the old life.

After all those years of walking blindly through the darkness and being deceived, I have developed a new hunger for the Truth. I am not that broken girl anymore. I am no longer an addict. Some will say that you are always an addict while in recovery, but Jesus Christ tells us that we are a brand-new creature, washed in His Blood. The Bible says that Jesus is The Way, The Truth and The Life (John 14:6). There was no other way out for me. Nothing set me free like Jesus. The Word of God is true. It cleans us, edifies us, and renews our minds. Jesus met me right in the middle of my sin. God can have you somewhere you never thought you could be in the next five or ten years once you put your trust in Him. There are people dying. We must tell others. With everything I am, I promise you Jesus Christ is real. I assure you that you can believe on His name. Believe the Word of God with everything you are and let the Holy Spirit teach you. Believe my witness and testimony about Jesus Christ and find Him for yourself. If you are going through some of the same things or know someone who is there is hope in Jesus Christ and more hope than you have ever seen.

Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost. Romans 15:13

It is amazing the amount of growth we have when we hold on to God, believe His promises, and trust in Him in tough times. This is Biblical. Paul spoke of having a "thorn in the flesh" in 2 Corinthians 12. The Bible says Paul's thorn in the flesh was a messenger of satan sent to buffet him (v. 7). When he told of this in 2 Corinthians 12, he was saying that this happened fourteen years earlier. Upon studying a timeline of events, this was right at the beginning of Paul's ministry after his conversion. When Paul asked the Lord to remove it from him, He said, "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness" (v. 9). Paul said, "Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me" (v. 10). Sometimes the problem may not go away, but we can learn something along the way. There may be things that happen to strengthen our character and exercise our faith. In Romans 5, the scripture informs us, "Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us" (v. 1-5). Is it better for the Lord to just give us everything we want when we ask or hold out to give us something He knows is far better than what we may have not considered? Is it better for Him to remove all our problems we encounter or be with us during difficulties so that we can learn something? Is it better to give us external comfort or leave us in a trial for a while to give us tested and refined faith along with internal peace that nothing can take from us, not even our circumstances? Do not let your circumstances define you.

There are several passages in the Bible where it refers to God as a refiner. Psalm 66:10 says, "For thou, O God, hast proved us: thou hast tried us, as silver is tried." When you pull a piece of gold or silver out of the earth, it is not like something you find in a jewelry store. It is usually misshapen and dirty. The refiner will take this precious element and put heat to it to make it pure. He puts it in the fire and watches it making sure it has just the right amount of heat. The heat melts the metal and he separates impurities from the pure. He repeats this process until the metal is pure and he can see his own reflection in it. There is so much benefit from refinery. We come out pure. We are of value to Him. We are His treasure. God can refine us. If you are under fire, it may be refinery. God is with us in the fire. It may be tough but stay faithful and hold on throughout the whole process. He knows exactly how much we can take. It may be painful, but it is gainful. Thank God He is willing to refine us!

If you are in jail reading this, the main thing I urge to you to do is to get rooted and grounded in Christ. Do not go back, go forward. Seek a safe refuge when you get out. Start using The Sword. Psalm 16:8 says, "I have set the Lord always before me: because He is at my right hand, I shall not be moved." Be immovable and unshakable in your covenant with The Lord. Make everything right by Christ. You must stay away from what is bad and go to what is good and praying to know the difference. One wrong move could cost you everything and cause you to completely fall. There is a new path and a better way. The Bible talks about new life in Christ. It is true! Pursue this with all you have, and you will be so blessed. Put some limits and boundaries in your life and find peace. Define the flesh and sin. You can do this. Ask yourself, "What does God say about this?" Joyce Meyer says to pray your way through the day. Pray all day. Let God be the first person you speak to every morning. It will set the posture for the day. Let Him be the last person you speak to every night. Pray while you do your chores, before you make decisions, and for other people. In prayer, we develop a relationship with Him. Fast and pray. Pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17). One of the most important things I want to encourage people to do is to never go back. Remember Lot's wife. When Lot and his family were delivered from the land of Sodom when God rained judgment down upon it, they were told to not look back. Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt (Genesis 19).

If there is something you can't seem to shake on the outside that you are just waiting to go back to, cut it off. Do not go back to that or even plan to. Paul was shipwrecked, the ship was lost, but the people were spared (Acts 27). Do you have your own broken ships you need to leave behind - broken relationships, broken companionships, etc? You can still make it to your destiny with new ships - mentorship, discipleship, worship, etc. Start living out the Word right where you are at. If you are considering who you will party with when you get out and ways to celebrate, reconsider that and ask the Lord what He wants you to do. You will never go wrong with Him. You will need Him to guide your path. Invite Him in your life to be your Shepherd, the bishop of your soul. Go to the Lord and ask Him to get you in a good place where you can be surrounded by light. Getting in church is so important. You have got to be strong. See where He wants you to go and how He could use you. Your struggle can become your strength. Load up on scripture because you will need it. Let His Word be a lamp to your feet and a light to your path (Psalm 119:105). Let it be hidden in your heart that you sin not against Him (Psalm 119:11). You are now His servant and no longer a servant to sin. In John 8:34-36, Jesus said "Verily, verily, I say unto you, Whosoever committeth sin is the servant of sin. And the servant abideth not in the house for ever: but the Son abideth ever. If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed." May you be set you free, indeed.

Find rest, beloved. He made a way for us. He paid a ransom. Never forget what He did. Can you picture His face when they yanked out His beard and slapped Him? They spit on Him. Can you feel the sharpness of the barbs when the crown of thorns was thrust on His head? Can you feel the razor-sharp lashes against His body while He was being flogged? Can you consider the abandonment of His brethren? Can you hear His broken voice wailing and crying out to God? Can you see His fingernails against the wood of the cross from the pain? Are our souls penetrated by His eternal grace and redemptive love? Can we picture the holes in His hands as He reaches out to us? Can you picture holes in your own hands? That is what it takes. We must bear His marks in our bodies. We all have to have that moment when we die to our old selves and rise to new life in Christ.

One prayer changed my whole life. Did you catch that? Following that one small tug on your heart can lead you to so much overwhelming joy that you find trouble trying to explain it. One moment of prayer, seeking Him in His Word, or one decision to go to church on Sunday could turn out to be the best gift or blessing you could fathom. Seek Him. Your salvation is there. It may surprise you in such a good way. Time is running out and we have one life to live and we must live it for The Lord. You may ask, "What does it take to live for the Lord?" Once you surrender, He will equip you. I have often heard people say, "He does not call the qualified, He qualifies those He calls." He will teach you. It is the most marvelous journey. There is a relationship we have with Him that is more fulfilling than anything on this earth. It is not about rules with God, it is about a relationship. Psalm 119:96 says, "I have seen an end of all perfection: but thy commandment is exceeding broad." It is about love. After all, God is love (1 John 4:8). It is about an inner drive and motivation fueled by the love of Christ. It is a hunger that is satisfied with each step, each blessing, and each moment of fellowship with The Father. Love is the reason. He saves us from our lost state as we diligently seek Him. The old covenant of circumcision is no more, but now it is rather a circumcision of the heart. The goodness of God leads to repentance (Romans 2:4). The English preacher Charles Spurgeon said, ""Things required by the law are bestowed by the gospel. God demands obedience under the law: God works obedience under the gospel. Holiness is asked of us by the law: holiness is wrought in us by the gospel" (Guzik, 2018)

Jesus told us the greatest commandment is to "love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like unto it: Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself" (Matthew 22:37-39). Is this not beautiful and pure? We become servants of the Most High God. We no longer serve self. He woos us in His Word. We have an actual relationship with Him and love that knows no end. Miracles are all around us. We have to retrain our eyes. His message of love is in everything. He is beautiful. He restores, quickens what was once dead, gives hope to the hopeless, mends the broken, and makes all things new. There is nothing He cannot do. There is no one too far gone that He cannot transform. He wants you.

If you have never surrendered to the lordship of Jesus Christ, I would like to lead you to pray. I will include a prayer, but feel free to add what you will. Start praying and reading your Bible daily. Be sure to find a good church to go to. Seek Him with all your heart. That is what He wants - your heart.

God, You are the Almighty God. I humble myself. I know my thinking is wrong. I am a sinner. I believe you gave your Son, Jesus Christ, who died on the cross for me to live because You love me. I believe He died for me to be forgiven of sin and I want to repent of my sins and be in right standing with You. Please forgive me. I believe Jesus rose on the third day, Lord, and I am asking You to raise me up. I need You, God. Please help me. I want to be an overcomer. Please make straight the path of my feet and give me a new hunger for You and not things of this world. Surround me with light and godly counsel. I ask for new life that you give through Christ Jesus and I want to live that life Jesus died to give me. I ask that You help me to grow and give me wisdom, knowledge, understanding, and discernment. I thank You for never letting go and for the opportunity to repent. I pray for your protection and strength. I pray that You will fill me with the Holy Spirit. I pray that You will guide me in all Truth and lead me in the way everlasting. Remove the things from my life that do not need to be there and replace them with things that should. I want to know You more. I trust in You, Father. Strengthen, stablish, and settle me, me and let no weapon formed against me prosper. Thank You for your good and precious promises. Thank You for your mercy and grace. Use me according to your perfect will, for your way is perfect. Make me and mold me, You are the Potter and I am the clay. Have your way with me, Lord. Let me not fall in temptation but deliver me from evil. I pray for faith that moves mountains. To You: blessings, praise, glory, honor, power, and dominion forever. Teach me what I need to know. Open my eyes and ears. God, I ask You to come into my heart. These things I ask and thank You for in Jesus name. Amen.

The little girl on the back cover of the book is my daughter, Reagan.

Bless you in the Lord Jesus Christ.

In Christian love,

Misty Hankins

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