
The Jamie Reynolds Chronicles:

Book One in the Series:

Lust and Lies

Casandra Charles

eBook edition

© 2015 Casandra Charles

All rights reserved. This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your digital bookstore and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This is a work of fiction. All characters and events are purely the product of the author's imagination. Any license that has been taken is for the tone of the story and the enjoyment of the reader.

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Contents

Dedication

Good-bye Atlanta and Hello...

Only Ten Hours to Go

Home Sweet Home...

I Prayed for You...

What Did You Do to Antonio?

We Need to Talk...

Two Months, Ten Days, and a Whole Lot of Hours...

One-Hour Trip to New Jersey...

You Can't Change the Flight or the Closing...

Damn, Seven Hours, I Got to Go...

What a Mess...

How About Tomorrow...

I Smiled at Myself and Embraced This New Relationship...

Round Two Was Much More Enjoyable...

$150 Only Lasted a Week...

I Understand, Daddy...

Damn, I Can't Wait...

Dinner and Talking...

You Want to Talk About It...

Wait, You Did What...

It's a Promise...

I Am at a Loss for Words...

Do You Need Me to Call 911...

Graduation Day...

You Are Your Father's Child...

Does This Mean What I Think It Means?

I Moved For You...

Closer to Atlanta...

This is My New Life...

This Can't Be Happening...

Hate Mail...

Good-bye Norfolk and Welcome Back to Atlanta...

About the Author

Acknowledgements

## **  
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##  ******Dedication**

This book is dedicated to God and my friends both near and far, who's always been by my side without judgment. Thank you for believing in me and giving me the strength and guidance to finish this book.

I also want to thank those who provided good, bad and ugly memories in my life because I've learned so much about myself and life... thanks for inspiring this book.

## **  
**

##  ******Good-bye Atlanta and Hello...**

_Ring, ring, ring._ "I'm not able to pick up the phone right now, but leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as possible."

"Hey, Jonathan, this is JR. I'm about to pull up to your house in about five minutes. I hope you're ready; I said I would like to be on the road before one o'clock. Anyways, I'm about to call your other phone."

_Ring, ring, ring._ Damn, still no answer. "This is JR. I hope your ass is ready. I'm about to pull up to your house now."

As soon as I pulled up to Jonathan's house, I saw him outside with two other guys.

"Hey, Jonathan, I just tried to call you."

"My bad, J, I was outside and left my phones in the house."

"I hope you're ready."

"I'm about to get dressed now."

"Hurry ya ass up," I said, sounding crazy.

"Woman, don't be rushing me."

The two guys just stood there looking at me. I am not going to sugarcoat my appearance that day. I had on some old gray sweats, an old LeBron James T-shirt, and some black Nike flip-flops with white socks on, not to mention my hair was pulled back into a sloppy ponytail. I was looking a hot mess. _Oh well_ , I thought. I didn't care; I was about to be stuck in a car for fourteen hours, driving back home to New York. Besides, I was never going to see these guys again.

"My bad," Jonathan tried to apologize.

"Hey, guys, this is Jamie. Jamie, this is my brother Antonio, aka Toni, and his cousin Billy, aka B," Jonathan said, trying to make the guys sound cool with akas, as he noticed they were looking at us as if we were an old married couple.

"Hey," I said to both of them as I walked into the house.

"I'm about to get dressed now, Jamie. Give me a sec," he yelled as he ran upstairs to the bathroom.

"You good. I'm just going to make myself comfortable," I said under my breath. "Damn, I hate guy houses; they never have any food in them." Just as I said that Jonathan's brother, Antonio, walked into the kitchen.

"What did you say?"

"I said guys never have any food in their house." I was bold as hell and that was my first time in their house, but I didn't care.

"We got things to eat. What do you want?" Antonio said, trying to defend the men's honor.

"I don't know. You guys have bagels with no cream cheese, cereal with no milk, no bread, no sandwich meat, nothing."

"Look, man, I got this. I'll make you something to eat."

"For real... okay. What you going to make me?" I asked, sounding surprised he offered to make me breakfast.

"I said I got this," Antonio said while looking in the refrigerator.

"My bad," I said as I began to walk out of the kitchen and into the living room, to give him some room. "I heard a lot about you, Mr. Antonio, or should I say Toni."

He looked up from behind the cabinet with a dumb look on his face. "Oh really?"

"Don't get your hopes up; they weren't all that good..." I really didn't know him to come at him like that, and besides, he had a disappointed look on his face. "I'm just kidding," I said really fast, trying to pretend that I was playing, but really, I wasn't. Two weeks ago was the first time I had ever heard about Jonathan's so-called play brother, Toni, after knowing and working with Jonathan for over two years.

We were working the annual Music Midtown festival again at Piedmont Park. I was the on-site manager and I hired Jonathan like I always do; to help with site crew. The park was looking great and the weather was going to hold up for tomorrow's event, so we left the air-conditioned motor home and were walking and talking. After spending twelve hours a day together, anywhere between two to three weeks at a time, we slowly became good friends.

"So when do you leave, J?" Jonathan asked.

"After we wrap up this festival and I get paid, of course." We both started laughing because there had been some events we had worked on when it took us over two months to get paid.

"Man, sometimes I hate working freelance, but at least I don't have to clock in and out Monday thru Friday, wearing a power suit. I can't even imagine myself working a nine-to-five, well, at least not now..." I said as Jonathan nodded his head in agreement.

_Buzz, buzz, buzz._ Jonathan's two-way pager went off. As he opened his Sidekick, he began to laugh. "Man, my brother has nothing else to do," he said as he finished reading the text.

"Wait, you have a brother?" I asked, looking like someone had just slapped me in the face.

"Well, he's not my real brother. We're very close and he just moved in with me recently."

"Is he cute? Hook a sista up." I was sounding like a horny old lady. But I didn't care. Don't get me wrong; in the words of the R & B singer Mya, I'm single, sexy and free, making my own money... Not to mention I had no kids, no drama and worked my ass off at least four times a week at the gym, trying to maintain my Coke-shaped body. I was proud to be me; I had my shit together in every part of my life except, you guessed it, the men department. I swear there must be a sign on my forehead that said, _"If you're a loser or you're crazy, please come and holla at me."_

I was eager to meet Jonathan's play-brother because I figured a down-to-earth guy like Jonathan would have to have down-to-earth friends. _How bad could this guy be?_ I thought to myself.

"Oh no, Jamie, you don't want to meet my brother," he said before I could even plead my case. "He's not right for you."

"Oh really? But is he cute?" I still began to play the odds as a joke.

"Now, you know I can't answer that."

I could never understand the way guys couldn't answer the question whether a guy was cute or not. You didn't have to be gay to answer a simple question about another guy's looks. I could say yes or no if a girl was cute when a guy asked me.

"Okay, answer this," I said to Jonathan, trying to be slick, "when you guys go out, do a lot of girls try to holla at him?" This was my clever way of finding out if a guy was cute or not.

"I don't know, I guess." Jonathan stumbled for an answer to my question. "I told you, Jamie, he's not right for you. Man, just last month on Valentine's Day, I came home and he had some chick over at the house."

"So what's wrong with that?" I interrupted him.

"Nothing," he answered, "but the next morning I noticed a hole in my living room ceiling. When I asked him how it got there, he told me the chick from last night wanted to give him a private pole dance as his Valentine's gift."

"Wait, was she a stripper?" I once again interrupted.

"No, she ain't no damn stripper, but his crazy ass tried to install a ten-foot pole into my living room ceiling so she could dance for him."

I just busted out laughing. "You can't be serious. I guess you're right; he's not my type. That's crazy, what was he thinking?"

"Man, who knows? I told you he wasn't good for you, you got your shit together and, well, let's just say he's still exploring his life," he said before answering his cell phone, which had been ringing for a while. It must have been important because our bonding time was over and I headed back to the motor home to finish working.

"Jamie, Jamie," Antonio shouted from the kitchen, waking me up from my little daydream. "How do you want your eggs?"

"What?"

"Your eggs, how do you like your eggs?"

"Oh, hey, call me JR, and what are my choices?" I said, trying to be nice and not laugh at him, because I looked up and noticed the hole in the living room ceiling from the botched stripper-pole installation. All I could do was smile.

"Forget it, I'm just going to put them in the microwave."

"Wait, what?" I jumped up and headed for the kitchen. "Eww, you're putting the eggs in the microwave?"

"I said I got this." Toni shoved me out of the kitchen.

"Jamie," Jonathan shouted from upstairs, "I'll be down in a minute."

"You good," I shouted back. "Your brother is making me some breakfast." I didn't hear a response back from Jonathan. "Oh well, do you think he heard me?" I turned to Toni and asked him.

He shrugged his shoulders and said, "I don't know... what do you want to drink? Is orange juice okay?"

"Yeah, that's cool."

"Okay, here you go," Toni said with a deep and confident tone in his voice like he just knew his breakfast was going to be the bomb.

"Thank you," I said as he walked my finished breakfast of a bagel with butter, microwaved eggs and orange juice over to me. _Hey, beggars can't be choosers, my mother used to always say,_ I said to myself as I took the plate from Toni. __ "Let me taste these microwave eggs," I said to Toni, being sarcastic. They were decent but not better than stove-cooked eggs, but just the thought of someone making me breakfast was flattering.

Jonathan finally came down midway into me eating my breakfast, just as Toni was heading upstairs.

"I see you found yourself something to eat, like that's a surprise." For some reason Jonathan thought I ate a lot. That was only because the only time I saw him was when we worked with each other. " _Come on, you eat a lot too when we work on production jobs. The food is consistent and it's free,"_ I always told him.

"No, as a matter of fact, your brother made this for me," I said with confidence.

"What? Toni, you making breakfast?" he yelled upstairs to Toni.

"You crazy, man?" Toni yelled back from upstairs.

"A'right, men, we getting ready to leave. I'll holla at you in a few days when I get back," Jonathan started yelling upstairs when Toni came walking downstairs.

"You don't have to yell, man... you guys have a safe trip, and it was nice meeting you, Jamie, I mean JR," Toni said as he began putting his shoes on.

"Thanks again for breakfast," I said with a big smile on my face as Jonathan and I made our way outside.

"Damn, Jamie, your car is packed," Jonathan said as he tried to find a place in the car to stuff his garment bag.

"I'm sorry", I said as Jonathan began to walk to the trunk. "The trunk is also full. See if you can find a place in the backseat."

"Okay," Jonathan said as he tried to stuff the bag into the backseat.

"Can it fit?"

"Yeah, I got it. You ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be. Good-bye, Atlanta, and hello..."

I was just about to say good-bye to the city I lived in for over seven years—four years at Clark Atlanta University and the last three years trying to make a professional name for myself—when Toni walked out of the house.

"You guys drive safe and have a fun ride," he said as he opened his car door.

"Thanks, man," Jonathan said as he was closing the back door. "Where you heading?" Jonathan asked Toni before he began to pull out of the driveway.

"To the grocery store, you know we don't have any food in the house," Toni said while reversing his 2001 black Honda Civic with a big smirk on his face.

I just busted out laughing.

"What, what is so funny?" Jonathan asked as he began fastening his seat belt.

"Oh, nothing."

## **  
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##  ******Only Ten Hours to Go**

"Hey, Jonathan, thanks, man, for helping me drive my car back to New York."

"You good, don't worry 'bout it. I can't believe you're leaving Atlanta; how long—"

"Seven long, hot years," I said to him as I cut him off in the middle of his sentence.

"Damn, seven years."

"Yup, I've been here since '98, and I've done a lot within those seven years and I've grown and changed a lot. I am more mature," I said jokingly.

"Well, for the record, I'm going to miss you," Jonathan said, pretending to wipe away a tear from his face.

"Funny, very funny... but all jokes aside, I'm going to miss you too. Thanks for everything."

"No, man, thank you, you don't know it, but you've helped me out a lot. My best freelance work came from you, not to mention my best paying work," he said with a smile. "You never told me why you're moving?"

I took a deep breath and began telling him the reason. I figured we had about twelve hours to go and this could take a long time.

"I figured it's easy to leave Atlanta with no major responsibilities—no kids, no man—it's a lot easier to pack up and go and start over when you have nothing holding you back. You feel me, right?"

"I got you, that makes a lot of sense, but you're moving with such short notice. Are you sure you're not just running away from anything?"

"No, I'm not running away from anything. I know it was short notice, but it had to be done. Remember when I asked you to ask your mother if she could find me a few buddy passes to fly home?"

"Yeah, I remember, your father was sick, right?"

"Yeah."

"Sorry my mother didn't come through on the tickets."

"Oh, it's cool, I thought I would try." _After all, your mother has worked for Delta Airlines for over twenty years, why not?_ I thought to myself.

"Man, I was flying home like every other week. My father has been in the hospital for, like, three months."

"Dammmmmn, I'm sorry to hear that. How's he doing?"

"He's never going to be a hundred percent, but he is doing better." That was always my answer to everyone when they asked about my father and his condition. I guess you could say I was a little bit embarrassed; besides, I had to uphold my so-called perfect image.

"You never told me what happened to him; you just briefly mentioned that he had some kind of seizure, when you called asking about the tickets."

I took another deep breath and said, "Well, it's kind of complicated. The last time I saw my father well was during Christmas at my older sister's home in Austell, and he really wasn't even that well. Three days after my parents left Jenifer's home to go back to Brooklyn, I called my mother because I was trying to get a hold of my dad."

"Good afternoon, Ma, hope all is well?" I said politely to my mother on the phone. Have you spoken to Daddy? I've been calling him all morning with no answer."

"I tried to call him myself, but he didn't answer his phone. I've been trying to call him since yesterday," my mother said, sounding worried. My parents have been divorced for some time now, and tried to be civil and co-parents to my younger sister Jayla, so my mother often called my dad.

"You don't understand, Jonathan. My father and I have a very close relationship, he may not always pick up the phone for my mom, but he always picks up the phone for me. I was devastated; I called him about ten times that day and still no answer."

_Ring, ring, ring_ , please leave a message after the beep. "Hey, Daddy, this is Jamie again. Hey, man, please pick up the phone or at least call me back so I know you're okay. You know I worry 'bout you, old man, so call me back." I tried to make a joke of it and to not give off how scared I was over the phone.

About 7:30 p.m. I finally got a phone call from my father. "Daddy, where have you been? Everyone has been calling you all day."

"Hey, baby," my father said in a very weak voice. "Sorry, I was very tired. My head is killing me, and I ended up sleeping all day."

"Wait, if you slept all day, then you didn't even go to work today?"

"No, baby, I've been in the house all day," my father said as his voice got weaker and weaker.

_In the house all day_ , I thought to myself. I had never heard or seen my father take off work to just lie in the house before. He went to work in the worst snowstorms, floods, holidays, he even went out to work after 9-11. This didn't sound right.

"Daddy, did you go see a doctor?"

"No, but if I still feel like this in the morning, I'll go then."

"Daddy, you need to take better care of yourself. If not for me, then for your future grandkids, and lord knows, I ain't having any kids, so you have to be around for Jenifer and Jayla to have kids."

There I was, trying to make light out of every dark situation, I really hated that about myself. "Daddy, please promise me that you'll go to the doctor first thing in the morning to get yourself checked out."

"I guess that promise was a little too late, because that night my cousin came home from work and went down to her basement to check on my dad and found him passed out on the floor. We think he fell down the stairs. That was the scariest day of my life. I felt so helpless not being able to be at my dad's side. My dad spent months in the hospital, and the doctor really couldn't help him. We all pretty much were watching my dad die by the minute. He lost so much weight and couldn't even feed himself; they even had his hands and legs in restraints because he would fight the nurses because he wanted to leave the hospital. It was so hard to watch."

Jonathan and I spoke for hours on our drive. I told him all about my father, his condition and about my life inside and out. For the first time in almost seven years, I opened up to someone. I had so much emotion and anger built up from both my father, my mother, my past failed relationships, and just spoke the truth about the real Jamie Reynolds.

My father and mother split up about ten years ago, I think. My mother had a lot of pride as they pretended to stay together for "the kids," off and on, which was the worst, because they really weren't fooling anyone, and my siblings and I always had questions as my parents split up and came back together. My mother first split from my dad when I was ten years old and my oldest sister was twelve. I didn't understand why, but my mother packed up my sister and me, and we moved out of our home on Bergen Street and moved into an apartment on East Eighteenth Street in Flatbush. We even went to a new school.

Actually, going to another school wasn't anything new to us. You would think I was a military kid; I went to a new school seems like every year since the third grade. Never understood why we went to so many new schools, but you get used to it after a while. This was the story of my life. Never knowing what to expect or why, but I just dealt with it. Now that I'm an adult, I wished when I was younger I had tried harder to understand things instead of accepting them.

After my mother got back with my father after being separated for like a year, we again moved back in with my dad and went to another new school. Not to mention my mother was pregnant with my younger sister, Jayla. She was born when I was twelve years old. Less than a year after she was born, my mother and my two siblings moved out of New York to Florida without my father. Once again, not understanding what was going on because I was a kid, I just went with the flow. I wasn't happy moving out of New York, but my parents promised us a better life.

I did find it kind of weird that my father didn't live with us, but my parents often spoke on the phone and he visited often. We continued to do family vacations, celebrations, and were together as one big happy family on almost every holiday. It wasn't like they were divorced like some of my other friends' parents, so I just figured Florida was a safer place to live than New York, and since my grandmother lived in Florida, it was cool. Even though my grandmother hated me. Hate was a strong word, but that was the only word I could think of when it came to my grandmother. Even my mother knew she treated me differently than the rest and never knew why, so I never cared to understand after a while.

I often heard people say they stayed together for the kids, and I was proof it does more harm than good. I watched my parents argue and fight and slowly grow apart, yet try to stay together for the kids without just telling us they were unhappy and not staying married anymore.

Finally when I was about fifteen years old, my father came down for Christmas. He left to go back to New York abruptly. I walked into my mother's room after my father left and she was crying.

I asked, "Ma, is everything okay?" For the first time, my mother opened up to me and told me everything. I soon became an adult at the age of fifteen as I listened to my mother expose years of my family's secrets, and everything started to make sense, why we moved from school to school, why my dad was not around, and even why we moved into the East Eighteenth Street apartment.

"Do you know why your father left all of a sudden?" she added with tears in her eyes.

"No, Ma, why did he leave?" I asked this question not really ready to hear the answer, but I knew my mother needed to talk to someone.

"Your so-called sister has died in a fire," my mother said.

"What? I don't understand."

My mother poured her heart out to me. She told me about my father's secret life. How he had been cheating on her since they got married. How she could never trust my father around any of her friends. I thought I'd heard it all until my mother told me about my father's affair with Samantha. Samantha lived upstairs and was our family's babysitter ever since I was, like, four years old when my mother decided to go back to work. It happened right under my own roof when my sister and I would go outside to play.

After hearing my mother go on and on about the different affairs my father had throughout my childhood, with babysitters, neighbors, women we called auntie to be polite. I thought I would be sick to my stomach. I wanted to cry, because I loved and looked up to my father. In my eyes he was a perfect dad. But I had to hold it together; I was always known as the strong one in the family. I was the child with no emotion growing up and I allowed myself to believe that.

Then my mother told me about Kisha. Kisha was one of my so-called sisters, as my mother put it. Kisha was five years old when she died during a house fire. I guess this was why we moved into East Eighteenth Street when I was ten. My mother must have just found out about my so-called sister and she moved us out of Bergen Street to East Eighteenth Street.

This abuse towards my mother didn't end with Kisha dying. My father continued to live a life of promiscuity for years. I guess when Kisha died, a piece of my dad and mom's civil relationship went with it. I don't really know the relationship my mother had with Kisha and her mother, but after that day I ended up seeing my dad less and less. My sister and I traveled to New York instead of my dad coming down to Florida to hang out with us. Knowing what I knew about my dad at first changed me, and my relationship with my dad was poor. It was hard to look at him and respect him. I never told him what my mother told me about his secret life.

"How do you react to something like that? Over the years, I learned to accept my father's lifestyle and learned to move on."

"Wow, that's crazy JR," was all Jonathan said and at this point I knew I said too much already.

"I just need to be with my family, that's all," I said really quickly then changed the subject, as I started to feel uncomfortable about telling Jonathan so much. I wasn't really an emotional person, and I was often seen as the strong one who had tough skin and gave advice to everyone else, not being the one who needed it. But I guess at that moment, I needed to tell someone something, or I might have erupted with my own hidden emotions.

"Enough about me, what's your story?"

"My story?" Jonathan repeated. "There's nothing to my story. You've known me for a minute now and pretty much seen and heard most of my story."

He was right, not only did I work with Jonathan, but I also made it my business to know his business and the rest of my teams' business. Could you blame me? I was a black female working in a white man's production world. Most of my clients were white and I typically hired an all-black staff. I needed to know what kind of drama could come out of my crew before I hired. It was hard enough being a female in this business. Respect was not given, it was earned. I put too much of myself into this career, so leaving was kind of a big deal, because unlike most chicks in this business, I didn't sleep my way up to the top, I actually worked. But all I did was work, making money was all I did and my social life suffered because of it. I not only did freelance work on the side, but I also worked the overnight shift at WSBTV Channel 2 News as an associated editor and hated every minute of it. Too many negative news stories, and it slowly killed me to go to work three times a week only to feel like crap after my three a.m. to noon shift. I was not sad at all to put in my two weeks' notice in at Channel 2, but I felt better things were going to come to me in New York.

## **  
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##  ******Home Sweet Home...**

"Hey, Jonathan, thanks again for helping me drive to New York," I said to him as I opened the front door of my mother's house in Brooklyn.

"Anytime, my dear, anytime."

"Hey, Prince." I bent over to play with my little sister's crazy dog. I hated that name Prince, but she had been calling that dog Prince ever since she got it, despite what anyone else called him.

"Jamie." My little sister ran up to me and gave me a hug. "Ma said you wasn't coming until Thursday."

"I know, but we decided to leave early. What's good?"

"Nothing," she said, turning and smiling at Jonathan.

"Jayla, this is Jonathan. Jonathan, this is my little sister Jayla." She was only thirteen and her ass and breasts were bigger than mine. My mother even told me she was wearing a C cup now. Which made me a little depressed, as I was only a B cup myself. I figured I should lose the little part because she wasn't little anymore.

Jayla just kept on staring at Jonathan, so I quickly showed Jonathan the way to the bathroom and gave him a towel so he could freshen up. After driving for thirteen and a half hours, I figured he could use a nice hot shower.

"Stop looking at him like that," I turned and snapped at Jayla.

"What are you talking 'bout? I wasn't staring at anyone."

I gave her this look: like I was once thirteen and I know.

"What?" she said. "It's not like he's your boyfriend or anything."

"Sorry," was all she could say after seeing my eyes get big from her smart-ass comment. I didn't know if they got big from the embarrassment or the fact that my little sister just got smart with me. How did she know Jonathan and I weren't dating; we could be dating. Was the thought of me having a boyfriend so farfetched? I guess not having a boyfriend in almost three years would cause even a five-year-old to make the same comment. Oh goodness, I hoped I didn't end up like those crazy workaholic ladies that have a successful career with no man to share her success with. That would suck.

"Jayla, what time does your mother get home?" I quickly changed the subject. Ever since my older sister and I were young we spoke about our parents in the third person like we had two different sets of parents. Bad habits are hard to break, and it was too late anyway, we had already passed it on to my little sister.

"She gets home around six."

"Did you eat?" I asked right as Jonathan came out of the bathroom, fully dressed. He was looking kind of good, but my sister was wrong, he had a girlfriend back in Georgia. Been there, done that; I would not mess around with another woman's man again. Karma is a bitch.

"No, but I am kind of hungry," Jonathan answered, poking my sister to agree with him.

"I wasn't even talking to you and you call me greedy."

My sister just started to giggle. "I just finished my homework and was about to make something to eat," she said while walking into the kitchen.

"Okay, get dressed, and I'll take you guys out to eat, my treat."

She ran into the bedroom to get dressed. I turned to Jonathan and informed him that his Sidekick went off a couple of times while he was in the shower.

I picked up the Sidekick and began to give it to him, but I snatched it back and said, "I started to reply for you, but I didn't want your tricks to get mad and cut you off if I replied."

I said this because most of his and his longtime girlfriend's drama stems from the fact he can't keep his eyes, hands and penis to himself. He stepped out on his girl too many times, yet she gets mad and he promises never to do it again and then they're back together. She was better than me; again, been there, done that. Now I had to shake my head at myself for dealing with my past life.

"Ha, ha, very funny." He snatched the phone from my hands.

"There is only one trick... I-I mean, one woman for me, you know that."

My feelings were actions speak louder than words, but how could I forget, remembering every chance he got, he spoke about Tawana on our thirteen-and-a-half-hour drive. It was kind of hard not to speak about her when she would call him like every thirty minutes on the drive up to New York. She even used to call when he was working. I would often get mad because she would call or text him like twenty times. I even spoke to the other managers, and they said she never called when he was working with them. At first I thought maybe she was jealous because I was one of the few women event managers in Atlanta and she didn't like the fact that I was spending too much time with her man on a daily basis. But work was work, and I tried not to mix business with pleasure... been there, done that, not a good combination.

"Toni has nothing to do. He has been texting me since yesterday."

"Does he work? He's always texting you," I said, pretending to try to read his Sidekick.

"He is at work, but he's a little distracted," Jonathan said with a crazy look on his face.

"Well, tell him I said hi."

My sister finally came out of her room, wearing a tight-ass jean skirt and a T-shirt that was barely long enough to cover her ass. I didn't even say anything.

"Alright, now everyone is looking cute and I am not going to go out looking like this." I was still wearing my sweats, black T-shirt and flip-flops. "Give me about twenty minutes and I'll get dressed. Jayla, call your mother while I get dressed and ask her where there is a good restaurant we can go get something."

"Hey, before you go get dressed." Jonathan walked over to me.

"What's up?"

"I don't know what you did to Toni, but he's been asking me a lot of questions about you."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, man... he's been texting me since he met you, asking about you. At first he was mad at me for not hooking you guys up."

I just stood there, I was so shocked.

"Anyway." Jonathan stopped himself from telling me what he and Toni had been talking 'bout. "He just wants to know if he can get your number and call you sometime."

"Are you serious?" I said as I started laughing.

"Hey, he is serious. I don't know what you did to him yesterday when I was getting dressed, but—"

I interrupted him, "I didn't do anything. I was looking in the refrigerator and complaining to myself that you guys had no food, and he offered to make me breakfast. That was it." I really don't know why I was so defensive about the day I met Toni, but I was.

"I can't believe he actually made you breakfast. He normally don't give a damn 'bout anyone, especially a chick. No offense, JR."

"No, you good."

"Anyway, I guess that is a NO to him calling you, right?"

"Naw," I said without hesitating, "give it to him. I can use a new friend." I looked over Jonathan's shoulder and noticed Jayla looking over at us, laughing.

"Hey, lil girl, stay out of grown folks' business... I'm getting dressed now," I said as I ran off to go shower.

Within twenty minutes we were on the road.

"This is my jam... I love Mary J. Blige, you know, she's my soul sister," I said to Jonathan as I was bopping my head to the radio.

"You crazy, JR," Jonathan said as Jayla just laughed. No one in my family called me JR. I was first called JR back in high school when I used to work at Footaction and hated to wear a name tag. I was told I had to wear one regardless of the name. That was how JR came to life, and since I worked at Footaction my junior and senior year in high school and all through college in Atlanta, it kind of just stuck with me.

"Okay, Jayla." I began talking as I lowered the radio's volume. "What restaurant your mother say we can check out?"

"Mommy said there's a bunch of restaurants down Atlantic Avenue."

"Cool, we can head down there, and whichever restaurant has the shortest waiting period, that's where we're going to eat."

That plan didn't work out; every restaurant was about a thirty- to forty-five-minute wait. We decided to wait at Olive Gardens. I just loved Italian food, even though Olive Garden wasn't real Italian food, but it was close enough.

"Here." Jonathan passed me his Sidekick while we waited for our names to be called. "You text him; he's asking me too many questions and giving me a headache."

"Wait, is Toni still texting you?" I said, trying not to sound flattered.

"Yeah, you text him back," Jonathan said as he let go of the Sidekick.

"What's good, why are you asking Jonathan so many questions about me? What do you want to know?" I replied back.

"I only asked him a couple of questions 'bout you, I'm not trying to gas your head."

How did he know my head was getting big? "I am not gassed... you still didn't ask me what you wanted to know."

"I just wanted to know a little about you."

Before I could even respond back to his text, he texted me again.

"Jonathan used to speak a lot about you when you guys worked together. He used to always say JR is so cool and how much he liked working for you."

I just turned to Jonathan and began to smile at him.

"What?" Jonathan said as I began to walk outside to get some privacy.

"Jonathan is a good worker. Well, I hope Jonathan was able to answer all of your questions about me."

"Pretty much."

"Should I pass J back his Sidekick?" I said, trying not to sound too eager. I've been around guys long enough and learned how to play the game from some of the world's best experts. _"Females are too anxious; they need to learn how to play it cool,"_ my best friend (play-brother) Terry used to always say. This was why I hated the whole dating game. Guess that's why it's called the "GAME."

"Well, I'm not really doing anything, if you don't mind talking, or should I say texting."

"That's cool... man, I need your kind of life."

"LOL, how was the drive to New York?"

"It was cool."

And off we went, texting back and forth for over thirty minutes or so. I was so into our conversation, I didn't even hear our name being called for our table.

"Hey, they just called our name to eat. I got to go, call me when you get a chance."

"Okay, enjoy your dinner, have a GD."

"GD, what does that mean????"

"My bad, I was saying have a good day."

"Oh, okay then, you also have a GD."

He must do this a lot, talk to girls over his Sidekick or on the Internet, because he kept on typing back with abbreviations and I kept asking what it meant.

"Jamie, I'm glad you can join us now," Jonathan said as I walked back into the restaurant.

"Very cute."

"We thought for a second we were going to have to switch our table for two instead of three."

"Very funny, J, when have you ever heard of me missing Italian food?"

As we began to order, all I could think of was getting back to my conversation with Toni. He was pretty cool, despite the horror stories Jonathan had told me about him. I had to get my head together, I thought to myself, you know how guys talk. I didn't want Jonathan running back to Toni and telling him how silly I was acting after I gave him back the Sidekick. I had to play it cool, of course.

"Did you see the waiter, Jayla? He was kind of cute, right?"

Jayla just smiled. I was once thirteen, and I knew she was thinking about boys and stuff like that. You should see her room, she had pictures of all kinds of male singers on her wall, and she even had a huge poster of Usher with no shirt on.

"I don't want to hear that, Jamie."

"Don't start. You're always pointing out cute girls and their big asses and breasts when I'm around," I snapped back at Jonathan.

"Yeah, but that's different, Jamie."

"I don't even want to hear your twisted explanation 'bout the difference between male and female."

The food finally came; we said grace and dug right in.

***

I was so glad the day was over. After dinner we went back to my mom's house to grab Jonathan's stuff. He was trying to catch the last flight back to Atlanta; it was leaving at 10:10 p.m.

"Man, JR, I hope I make this flight."

"I know Tawana hopes you make it too," I joked.

He rolled his eyes and said, "Not that I didn't enjoy my time with you, but I just have a lot of stuff to do back home."

"I understand, good riddance," I said with a smile on my face. "Naw, I'm just kidding. I really do appreciate it."

"No problem, besides, whenever I need to get away from Tawana, I can fly up to visit, right?"

_I really hate visitors_ , I thought. "Of course, man... my casa is ell yo cassia."

"Man, JR, stick to English," he said after I just butchered the expression.

***

We finally made it to the airport with plenty of time to spare. "I'm going to find a place to park while you check in."

"No, I'll be fine. I have no luggage to check in and I have a little over an hour and a half before the flight. You can head home and get some sleep; I know you must be tired."

He was so right; I was tired as hell. "You sure..."

He just shook his head and waved me off. I hoped my family history didn't scare him off. I wondered if he was going to run back and tell Toni everything I told him on the drive up. That would ruin any chance I had with him.

"Hold on, did I just say ruin any chance?" I said to myself out loud as I drove off. "Don't think this way." I had to calm myself down from my crazy thought.

My biggest critic was myself, and I was often so hard on myself about everything. I calculated my every move, my every thought and my every action. So naturally, dropping my preplanned life in Atlanta to move back to NY was not a calculated move, but it was a move I felt I had to do. Maybe not everything in life had to be so well thought out. So let's see how this whole NY thing played out. I find it ironic to finally meet Toni on the day I was moving out of state, but oh well, I needed to start focusing on my new life in New York now.

Speak of the devil, I guess Toni must have either felt Jonathan and me going our separate ways or maybe he sensed me thinking about him, because he was calling. I wondered if Jonathan texted him and told him to call now. I always got myself overworked when it came to guys; I didn't know why my guard was up all the time. Well, I guess with my track record, I could see why.

## **  
**

##  ******I Prayed for You...**

Our conversation on my way back to my mother's house was kind of brief.

"I really appreciate you calling me while I drive home."

"Yeah, Jonathan told me about you and driving at night."

I knew it; Jonathan must have told him to call me when I dropped him off at the airport. I thought to myself and then I remembered Jonathan was talking to him last night before I went to bed when we were driving and told him I couldn't drive at night, telling him about my many near-death accidents while driving at night and falling asleep at the wheel.

"I can't believe he told you that. What did he say?"

"He just said that you were driving a couple of times at night and you fell asleep at the wheel and crashed your car."

"Hey, I didn't crash my car, I just busted out my tires a few times," I said as my voice got softer from embarrassment.

"You are funny."

"Let me explain, first of all, I work a lot and went out just as much. I would work about an average of sixty hours a week between my freelance gigs and my overnight shift at Channel 2, and then I go out after work on the weekend."

"Why do you work so much?" Toni interrupted.

"I don't know."

"You know."

"No, I really don't know." The nerve of him trying to play psychiatrist on me. "Anyway"—trying to finish my sentence—"I would go out and then try to drive home at like three or four in the morning after working a long day sometimes. In the beginning I would just catch myself as soon as I closed my eyes behind the wheel, but the more and more I continued to drive at night, the heavier and heavier my eyes got. Besides, it only happened three times."

"You need to be careful."

"I'm careful now. I just don't really drive at night anymore."

"Were you and your car okay?"

"Yeah, we both were cool, I more so than her."

"So your car is a she?"

"Yeah, as much as I hate females sometimes, she is a she."

"What do you mean you hate females?"

There he went again with the analyzing questions.

"Well, I don't really hate them, but I just don't hang out with a lot of females."

"Oh, you're one of those females that hang around a lot of guys."

"Yeah, I guess everyone knows that females are trifling."

"So are guys," he said as he began to cut me off. "Just be careful, guys can be sneaky. They always have an agenda."

"So what is your agenda?" I said, trying to flip the script.

I heard nothing but silence for a second. He just knew at that very moment he was saying too much.

To break the silence, I said, "You're right, guys can be trifling too, but I try to be careful."

He was still speechless. "I-I wasn't saying—"

I just cut him off. "J should be getting in around twelve a.m. or so, are you picking him up?"

Awkward silence again. "Oh, Jonathan." He laughed. "I had to think who was J, for a second. No, his girl is. I have to be at work at ten."

"Well, it is getting late. I have a full day ahead of me tomorrow."

"Good night, it was nice talking to you. If you don't mind, I'll call you tomorrow."

"Yeah, that would be cool. I have some meetings and paperwork to finish up; then I may go out to my friend's studio."

"Oh, that sounds like fun."

"What, the studio? Not really," I replied before allowing him to reply back. "You been to one, you been to them all. Anyway, good night."

"Oh, okay, well, good night, it was good talking to you."

"Same here."

"Oh, and for the record, I don't have an agenda, I just wanted to get to know you better."

"Oh, okay," was all I said before hanging up the phone.

We both hung up the phone, and like always, before I went to bed, I turned the ringers off on my cell phones so I could get a full night's rest.

***

I woke up the next morning and, for some strange reason, couldn't get Toni out of my head. I went to check my messages on both of my cell phones. Since I was planning on traveling back and forth between New York and Atlanta, I decided it would be wise to get another cell number for New York. After I checked my New York number, I only had three missed calls but no new message.

"Hey, if they don't leave a message, then I can't call them back," I said to myself. Then I went to check my Atlanta cell number. I had about six missed calls, two voice messages and a text message. I decided to check my voicemail first. Because I knew who it was, my play-brother Terry. He was the reason I turned my ringer off. Always calling or texting me at all hours to see if I was coming out tonight or to tell me how much fun he had and who he ran into in the club. Terry was a crazy dude, always getting into trouble, but if I ever needed anything, he was there for me like a real brother would be.

"Yo, J, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, man. We need to talk." I didn't know why he spoke to my cell phone like it was a home answering machine; didn't he realize I couldn't hear him leaving the message?

"Next message received at 12:45 a.m."

"Yo, J, this is Sean, I just seen Terry and you crossed my mind. What's good? I'm hoping to see you out tonight. Holla at me when you get a chance, one."

It was too early to be speaking to both Sean and Terry, I'd call them later. Well, at least I would call Sean. After the stunt Terry pulled a few months ago, I didn't want to talk to him.

I put the phone down and began walking to the kitchen when my phone text signal went off. "Oh, I forgot I got a text. It's probably from Terry texting me to call him back." To my surprise, it wasn't. I really didn't know who it was from until I read it.

"GM, I just had you in my thoughts. I hope you have a GD."

GM and GD, that could only be from one person, but I had to make sure, I ran to my purse to pull out Toni's number that I wrote down before I went to bed last night. I knew if I didn't write it down before the day was out, I would have lost it in the received calls in my cell phone.

It matched. I contemplated if I should text him back; after all, he might be at work or busy.

"Oh well," I thought out loud and wrote back: "GM, you at work? I just got up."

It took him about thirty seconds before he responded. "Yeah, I'm at work. How did you sleep?"

How did I sleep? I didn't know... did people really ask that question anymore?

"I slept good. I was really tired, I had a busy day yesterday, so I slept in a little."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but I hope you have a GD today. What do you have planned for today?"

"Work, of course, lol. Do what I do best. I have two meetings and lunch with my new client. I hope to be done around seven. Then I have to go down to the studio and show my face, hoping to be home around nine thirty."

"Wow, you have a very busy day."

"It's like this every day."

"When do you have time for yourself?"

Time for myself, I didn't even know what that was anymore. I woke up early, worked all day and went to bed to start my routine all over again.

"I find time."

"N E way, what time is your first meeting? I go to lunch at two and I'll probably call you to see how your day is going, if you don't mind."

Man, this dude was trying so hard to be nice to me. Jonathan must have told him about my bad luck with men or how I could be a bitch at times when it came to meeting guys.

"My meeting is at one. You can try to call on your lunch break, and I hope to be out by then."

"Okay, you have a GD."

"You do the same, bye."

***

"Hello."

"Hey, Toni, sorry about today. My day just got so busy, I didn't have time to talk to you. Besides, I'm trying to get readjusted to taking the train everywhere and my phone doesn't work when I'm on the train."

I felt so bad lying to Toni, my lunch meeting was over at two forty-five and he tried to call me at one o'clock and I didn't pick up the phone. Toni was cool and everything, but I still hadn't figured out his motive, so until I did, my guard would be up, way up.

"Don't worry about it. I was just trying to see how your day was going so far. How was your day today, anyway?"

"It was very productive. I just got back in the house and I'm about to get dressed and go back out."

"Oh, really?" he said with a very disappointed sound to his voice.

"Yeah, after I left my friend's studio, I told him I would attend his talent's album release party. I heard some of the tracks; he's really good. Some new artist name John Legend."

"That's cool. Should I let you go so you can get ready?"

"No, I'm good, we can talk. I'm about to throw something on and head out of the house in twenty minutes. We can talk while I get dressed." Damn, I hated sounding so desperate, I should have told him I would call him tomorrow, I thought to myself as I looked in the closet. I paused for a second...

"I don't even want to go. I don't feel like mixing and mingling tonight, I just kind of wanted to stay home."

"So why don't you?"

"Why don't I what?"

"Stay home."

"I can't, I already promised my friend. Besides, I'm hoping to get there around eleven and be out and home before one. Hold on."

"The train," I yelled back at my mother. "I'll be fine. I won't be out too late."

"Sorry about that. My mother is tripping because she doesn't like the idea of me taking the train so late at night."

"Oh, you're not driving?" Toni asked, sounding concern.

"No, I don't know my way around the city too well, and besides, there's never anywhere to park."

"That is kind of late for you to be taking the train."

"Please don't say that. I am old enough to take the train by myself, dad," I said, laughing at the fact he was so concerned. "I'm just kidding. I'll be fine."

"You better be."

"I'm about to leave the house now. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Hey, JR?" he said right before I started to close my flip phone.

"Yeah, what's up?"

"Hey, if you don't mind, I'll be up late, and if you can at least call when you get home, I'll be able to get a good night's sleep."

My heart just melted; that was so sweet of him. "I really don't want to keep you up or wake you up."

"I probably won't be getting any sleep, knowing you're in the streets walking home by yourself at one a.m. in the morning."

"Okay, if it's not too late, I'll call you. It should be around 12:30 or so, okay?"

"Okay, Jamie, have a good time and I'll talk to you later."

"Okay, bye."

As I hung up the phone, all I could do was think about Toni and couldn't get over the fact that he was being so nice to me and he didn't even know me. I wondered as I walked to the train if he did this to every woman he met. He was just being nice to me because he knew I would be traveling back and forth from New York to Atlanta; he just got one thing on his mind.

My mind continued to think as I got on the train and made my way down to the party. It was in a small cute little lounge.

The place was pretty packed, so why did I not want to be here? Damn Toni, I thought to myself. I was here at this party and couldn't even enjoy myself because I couldn't get him out of my mind.

"Excuse me," I yelled out to the bartender, "can I have a bottle of Voss?"

"What?" the bartender shouted.

"A bottle of Voss," I shouted over the loud music.

I guess they didn't have any because he turned around and handed me a plastic bottle of regular water.

"No Voss, sweetheart. Damn," I said as I began to go into my purse to pay.

A guy behind me tapped my shoulder and said I was good.

At that very moment I noticed my phone's red light was flashing, letting me know I had a missed call or a new message.

"Thank you, sweetie," I said to the guy behind me and gestured with my phone that I had to run to take a call. I was curious to see who was calling me. I hoped it wasn't Terry; I didn't feel like talking to him tonight.

To my surprise, it was a text from Toni. "Hey, hope you're having a GT."

He'd sent this text about twenty minutes ago, so I figured I should text back.

"I'm not really feeling the party. I'm getting ready to leave soon."

Before I could even look into the mirror to check my makeup and hair, my phone was going off, notifying me that I had a text message.

Damn, that was quick. What, was he holding his phone, praying that I text him back? That image in my head made me laugh.

"I guess you were right, you really will be home before 12:30."

I looked down at my watch and realized it was only 11:30. I walked around the club, making sure everyone saw my face before I dipped out the back door. I was only at the lounge for about forty-five minutes; that had to be some kind of record. As I exited the club, I noticed the line was all the way down the block. I hoped I wasn't leaving too soon, but I was already outside and didn't feel like going back in to find out.

I picked up my phone and I don't know what came over me... but I called Toni.

"Hey, you 'sleep?"

"No, I'm still up."

"How was the party?"

"It was cool, but I really didn't want to go out in the first place." Besides, I couldn't get you out of my mind, I thought to myself.

"I hope it wasn't because of me." He paused for a second. "And your mom, of course."

"No, it wasn't because of you two." _Don't flatter yourself_ , I thought and started to laugh because he was right.

"What is so funny?" he asked.

"Nothing, I'm just walking down to the subway and I guess my four inches don't like this walk."

"You crazy, four-inch heels."

"I always wear heels. You just managed to catch me on a bad day." I was referring to the first time he'd seen me.

"But I liked what I saw."

"I bet, old sweatpants and some flip-flops."

"After a while you learn to see the inner beauty of a person not the outer."

I was speechless; I didn't even know what to say. As a matter of fact, there was about thirty seconds of silence on the phone before I said, "I'm about to go underground on the train and my cell phone won't work. Thanks for talking and I'll call you to—"

Before I could even finish my sentence he said, "I said I would wait up for you to get home not get on the train."

"Oh, my bad, I'll call you back when I get off the train then, bye."

"Bye, Jamie, get home safe."

On my ten-minute walk from the train to my house, I wanted to call Toni to talk to him while I walked, but I still couldn't figure him out and that bothered me. Instead I just walked home, thinking to myself. I thought about almost every guy I fell for after the first conversation. Robert, Jean, and Shawn, oh, and who can forget David. David Walker, he was so cool. I was feeling him at first sight. We met, of course, in a club; as much as I hated meeting guys at the club, I met most of them there. It was my friend Angela's idea to go to the club that night. She knew if I went to the club with her, she didn't have to pay or wait in line, and if the right person was in the club or at the bar, she didn't have to pay for drinks either.

David and his best friend were waiting in line at the Havana Nightclub in Atlanta (my promoter friends, the Metro Players, did a cool Monday night after-work event there). We took the elevator upstairs, because if you take the stairs, you'll have to fight your way to the front of the line or wait in the line like everyone else. When the elevator made it to the top floor, we got off and Angela looked at the crazy line and was so happy I came with her so she didn't have to wait in it. We took two steps toward the door to the club and the bouncer stopped me.

"Excuse me, ladies."

"Excuse me, sir," I said as I tried to continue to proceed through his six-foot-four, two-hundred-sixty-pound self.

"May I help you?"

"I'm sorry, I'm a guest of Johnny, or Mitchell, or Michael, any member of the Metro Players."

I really wasn't trying to sound cocky, but that was how I came off.

"I'm sorry, miss, none of those people are here right now."

"Okay, they're inside. I can go inside and get them."

"I am sorry, miss, but that won't work."

"No, we both won't go in, I will just go in and leave my friend out here as collateral," I said as a joke, but I really was serious.

"I am sorry, ma'am, that is not going to work. Are you on the list?"

I knew I wasn't on the list, but I said, "Check Jamie or Jamie Reynolds." As he began to look for my name, I dialed Michael's number so I could ask him to come to the door and tell this guy to let us in.

"I'm sorry, miss, it's not on here."

"Try JR. That's what everyone calls me, JR, Jamie Reynolds."

"Hello," Michael answered his phone.

"Yo, Michael, this is JR."

"Yo, J, what's up? Where are you at?"

"I'm at the front of your club, trying to get in."

"My bad, I'll be right up."

Within ten seconds, Michael was at the front door, letting me and Angela in.

"She good," Michael said to the bouncer. He turned to me and said, "Yo, J, who are you here with?"

"Just me and my home girl Angela."

"Why didn't you call me earlier and tell me you was coming?"

"It was a last minute thing, and I just thought you guys would be at the front anyway."

"Naw, it's too much confusion when me and the guys are up front."

"I see."

"So what have you been up to? You looking good, of course."

"Thank you."

"You want something to drink?"

"Now you know I don't really drink."

"That's right, I remember." He turned around to the bartender and ordered me my usual bottle of Voss. "Your girl want anything?"

Angela, sounding crazy, said, "Of course I do. Unlike JR, I drink. I'll have an Incredible Hulk."

You gotta love Angela; she was a cool girl and knew how to have a good time. She was my right-hand girl.

"Thanks, Michael."

"You good, JR, I'm going to the back. Make sure you see me before you leave."

"No problem, bye, thanks again."

"Yeah, thank you again," Angela said, trying to swallow a sip of her drink.

"Yo, Angela, I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be right back." I began walking to the bathroom when I caught eyes with this chocolate brown, bald-headed guy. He was gorgeous, just the way I like them. We made eye contact for a second as I walked right into the bathroom. I stayed in the bathroom and checked my makeup for about two minutes and was hoping he was still in eyesight. Of course, he was gone. I walked back over to the bar and told Angela I'd spotted a cutie on the way to the bathroom.

"Where? Where?" She was looking all around.

"No, girl, I lost him, but don't worry, let's make our rounds and see who else is in the club." I knew I wasn't looking for anyone, just Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome, but in this case Mr. Medium, Brown and Handsome. After walking around and scoping out the club, no luck. But Angela saw some potential lookers.

"Oh, girl, that's my song. Let's go dance."

"Oh, Lord," I said to Angela, being silly. Once you got Angela started on the dance floor there was no stopping her. She was the only one of my friends that went to the club and actually danced. Not like most of my other friends that just post up at the bar or in the VIP, looking like they're waiting for something or should I say someone.

"Okay, let's go."

After about twenty minutes of BBD, A Tribe Called Quest, Busta Rhymes and ABC, all the classics, we were tired as hell, but still dancing. As I began to walk up to the DJ booth to say hi to my friend, who was killing it on the turntables, a guy extended his hand and assisted me up the small step to the DJ booth.

"Thank you," I said without even looking up, to realize it was him, Mr. Medium, Brown and Handsome. I played it off, pretending not to be attracted to him. I said hello and after a minute or so said good-bye to my friend up in the DJ booth, hoping Mr. Handsome was still there. He was; I was so happy.

He stopped me and said, "For a second, I thought you were going up on stage to dance."

We both turned around and looked at the two girls looking a hot mess trying to dance up on stage next to the DJ booth. We both just started laughing.

"Hey, I'm David."

"Hi, I'm JR."

"JR, that's a cute name."

"Thank you."

"I'm glad to see you got in the club. For a minute I thought you were going to turn around and leave."

"What?" I just had this dumb look on my face, not knowing what he was talking about.

"I was next in line when you tried to leave your girl at the door for collateral, trying to get in."

"It wasn't like that, and I am so embarrassed."

"No need to be embarrassed." We both started to laugh.

"You're too pretty to be embarrassed," he said as he flashed me a beautiful smile. "So where's your collateral?"

"Who? Oh, Angela, she's probably still on the dance floor."

"Well, maybe when she's finished, she can meet my collateral, Adam."

"Well, you can get your collateral and I can get my collateral, and we can chat. We have a table in the back."

We both went our separate ways and I ran to Angela.

"Yo, girl, I found the cutie and he says he has a friend. Let's go to the back for a second. Oh, look, there's Michael. Yo, Michael, I'm going to the back."

"You good, JR, tell Maurice the bouncer I said you can sit back there."

"Oh, Maurice is back there? I haven't seen him in a minute. Thanks." I leaned over to give Michael a hug and he whispered in my ear.

"You look good, J, when are me and you going to hook up?"

I pretended like I couldn't hear him over the music and said, "Thanks for the table. Hey, is your wife, Veronica, in the house tonight? Tell her I said what's up," as I walked away.

"JR, this dude's friend better be cute," Angela said as we made our way in the VIP.

"We'll see. If he's not cute, then excuse yourself after five minutes and go to the bathroom. While you're in there, I'll get oh dude's number and we'll bounce."

"Bet," we both said in agreement.

"I guess the guys haven't made it back here yet. Oh well, let me sit down. You know, my feet are killing me."

"JR, I don't know why you always wear such high heels."

"Blame my parents I wasn't born five foot seven, I was born five foot three. Oh, girl, there they are. Oh, his friend is cute.

"Hey, he is, but you know I don't like light skin. I like my men like I like my dessert, sweet and chocolate," Angela said as I waved to Maurice that they were cool to come in the back.

"Hey, JR, this is my collateral, Adam."

"This is my collateral, Angela."

Angela looked at me with a puzzled look on her face.

"Collateral?" both Angela and Adam said at the same time. Me and David just busted out laughing.

"I'll tell you later," I turned to Angela and said. On the other hand, I guess Adam finally got our inside joke and he began to laugh.

The night was going good, Angela didn't go to the bathroom after five minutes of meeting Adam, and we all talked and danced for about an hour or so.

"It's almost two o'clock. I got to be going," I said.

"Come on, JR, the club don't close until three," Adam said.

"No, we both have to go, sorry, guys."

"I can take her home," Adam volunteered.

"No, thank you, she came with me and she's rolling with me. I don't play that."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by that."

"No, you good." We all exchanged numbers and planned on meeting up on a double date later on in the week.

***

It was 12:05 a.m. by the time I got home. As soon as I began opening the gate, I decided to call Toni to let him know I made it home.

"Hello," a sleepy voice said.

"I'm so sorry to wake you, but I was just calling to tell you I'm home."

"No, you're good. I'm glad you called."

"No, no, please go back to sleep."

"It's too late now," he said, laughing, "Nah, I'm just kidding. I'm glad you made it home okay. I just finished praying for you that you got home safe."

What did he just say? Did he just say he prayed for me? My brain had completely shut down.

"Thank-thank you," I stuttered. "That was very sweet. What time do you have to go to work in the morning?"

"I don't have to be at work until ten. What time do you have to be at work?"

At that very moment every word that came out of my mouth was very slow and long. _What is going on with me?_ I thought to myself. The last forty-five minutes was a blur; we both spoke about anything and everything. We continued to talk until one in the morning. By this time we were both mentally and physically drained from our intense conversation.

"Okay, then I'll call you in the morning, Jamie, or should I say JR?"

"I look forward to that; have a good night."

"Good night."

After I hung up the phone, I couldn't do anything but just exhale and mentally think about what was happening in my life.

I had always prayed every morning and night, but for the first time on April 18, I got down on my knees and prayed to God for guidance and patience for me and Antonio Hall. I had never prayed for something so personal as a man, but I thought this guy might be different. I just couldn't explain it to myself, but God knew what my heart was feeling and that was all that mattered.

## **  
**

##  ******What Did You Do to Antonio?**

About two weeks had gone by, and Toni and I had been talking on the phone every day and night for hours, not to mention the sixty to seventy texts we sent to each other throughout the day. Things were going great. He was a really good friend and I enjoyed his company. Then one day I received a call from Jonathan.

"Hey, J, what's up?"

"You tell me?"

"Excuse me?"

"Man, what is really going on between you and Antonio?"

"What do you mean what is really going on between me and Antonio? Is everything okay?"

"You tell me."

"Jonathan, stop doing that. What's going on?"

"Man, JR, you got that boy all twisted up. He woke up this morning feeling really sick."

I boldly interrupted, "Is he okay? I spoke to him about a half hour ago and he didn't tell me he was sick."

"No, you don't understand, he's not that kind of sick, he's sick in the heart."

I knew exactly what he meant, but I played dumb. "What do you mean sick in the heart?"

"JR, dude woke up this morning and started asking me all kinds of questions. Man, he even asked me if I believed in true love and soul mates?"

What was Jonathan trying to tell me? Did Toni feel this way about me? I thought to myself as I began to smile.

"JR, are you listening to me?"

"I hear you, man, I hear you. What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to talk to me. Toni is like a brother to me and I know how you get down."

"What do you mean you know how I get down? Really, Jonathan, you don't know me, you only know what I tell you."

"Calm down, JR, I didn't mean it like that. I'm just saying he got it bad for you, and I don't want him to get hurt."

At that moment, I didn't know what came over me, but I just laid it all out on the table to Jonathan. "I don't want to get hurt myself. I really and truly care about him; he's a very special person. What he told you this morning, I think I also feel for him. I wish I could explain to you how confused I am when it comes to him; this doesn't make any sense. I've only seen him once and we've been talking for over two weeks now and I can't stop thinking about him. It really doesn't make any sense."

"Love never makes any sense. Aw, my two favorite people are all grown up," Jonathan said.

"This is not a joke, Jonathan, I'm serious. I pray for him every night and I ask God to give me strength. Isn't it the craziest thing how we met?"

"Yeah, it is kind of crazy. It's like the perfect twisted love story, boy meets girl, girl moves away, boy and girl fall in love and live happily ever after."

"Funny, but now you're talking crazy. You can't love someone in two weeks." I paused for a second. "Can you?" Before he had a chance to answer my question, I blurted out, "I think I want out of this. It's too fast. You can't fall in love with someone you only met for a few minutes, and you can't fall in love over the phone."

"Jamie, let me ask you the same question Toni asked me this morning."

"What?"

"Do you believe in true love?"

I just froze for a minute. My answer to this question was going to make or break what I had with Toni. "I don't know, Jonathan, I am so confused."

"JR, I asked a question and it's a yes or no answer. Do you believe in true love?"

"My whole life, I dreamed of someone like Toni, and I always believed a dream is just that, a dream. I never planned for it to come true."

"Then you answered my question."

"No, Jonathan, I didn't. I say I'm confused because if you asked me that question a month ago, I would have said no. I've been through some bad relationships and my heart is very heavy, and I did away with love, true love, and happily ever after a long time ago. But now Toni has come into my life and changed my whole outlook on things. I really do care about him, but I still have doubts, and because I have doubts and my heart is not one hundred percent pure and open to this, then I can't answer the question."

"I understand, JR. I care for you guys both, and I don't want to see either one of you getting hurt, but I know you, JR." He paused for a second.

"Jonathan, what is that supposed to mean? Why do you keep saying that?"

"It means I know you better than you think, and I know you're scared. You always said that you hang around guys too much and you feel they messed up your mind. You think like us, JR, you think like a guy. Guys get scared too. Don't hurt him. You don't know him like I do. He never talks about any chick like this; he hasn't even talked about you in any sexual manner. He has fallen for you big time. He called you his soul mate and he truly believes you are the one."

"Did he say that?"

"He did, but he didn't have to. The last couple of weeks he has been glued to the phone every day and night, talking to you. Man, he doesn't even like talking on the phone. He has been so pleasant and laid back for the past couple of weeks not like his usual asshole self. He's always talking 'bout you, and I hate to see him get hurt."

"What about me, what about my feelings?"

"That's what I'm saying. Don't hurt him, because when the situation between you two gets real serious, it's going to scare you shitless. You already said you want out. Just like a guy, you're trying to take the easy way out and run and hide from a good thing. All I'm saying, JR, is to follow your heart and stick this one out to the end. It might be the happily ever after you always dreamed about."

_Beep, beep_... "Hey, Jonathan, hold on a sec. That's Toni on the other line. I'll get him off."

"No, JR, take the call. We'll finish talking later."

"Wait, before you go, I know Toni is your friend and so am I. Can you not tell him what me and you talked about?"

"I got you, JR, holla at me later."

"Okay, thanks, Jonathan, talk to you later," I said as I clicked over to accept my next line.

"Hey, you, what up?"

"Nothing, but my feelings for you," Toni said.

"I just got off the phone with Jonathan."

"Hey, what did he say?"

"You tell me," I said, sounding like Jonathan. "What did you guys talk about this morning?"

"What did he say?"

"He said you said some powerful stuff about us."

"Oh really?"

"Yes, really."

"Oh, okay, we were just talking, you know how guys do."

"Well, whatever you said, I heard it was about me."

"Maybe."

"I know Jonathan, and I'm starting to get to know you better, so I guess you both like me, so I guess you guys said some good things."

"I more than like you."

The phone went silent on both ends; I had to think of something quick to say back to him. "You are so sweet." So sweet, damn, that was stupid, I thought to myself.

"No, you're sweet, you are my moon."

"And you are my sun," I said, cutting him off.

"Well, I was on a quick break. I'll call you later."

"Okay, have a good day at work."

"You do the same."

Moments later I received a text from Toni.

"U are a youthful soul, with a neon glow, a strong mind with vision so bright it is reflective beyond the moon's eye... infinity and as attractive at first daylight."

"Wow, honey, that was beautiful. Thank you." I wasn't really into poetry, but Toni loved it, so I was just touched he thought of me this way.

"I just text where you live... in my heart."

"Babe, you are so sweet."

"It's the truth, our connection is very strong and I hope you're feeling it too."

"I do," was all I could text back.

"I was watching Ghost this morning when I was getting ready for work, have you seen that movie before?"

I had to laugh to myself because I was a production junkie and had watched all of the classics.

"I have, it's a good movie."

"Ditto," Toni replied out of nowhere.

I had to stop texting; it was getting too deep. "Alright, I got to go," I said as I flashed backed on what ditto meant in the movie.

I knew we were going to have a lot to talk about tonight. I thought I was falling for this guy, but it had only been two weeks.

I tried to go on with my day, but I couldn't focus. I couldn't help but think maybe this was the one.

_He can't be the one_ , I thought to myself. "Well, the timing is off. I just moved from Atlanta and I have no luck with men. I'm in a new city; maybe I need to talk to Toni about us seeing other people. This long-distance relationship just can't work. I don't even have time for a regular relationship. Okay, Jamie, clear your head. You have to get some work done." I decided to get up and stretch to regain my focus.

Finally, I made it through the day. And as hard as it was, I didn't think about Toni that much. Maybe because I lowered the volume on my incoming texts. I felt bad. I could just imagine the number of texts he had sent.

***

On the subway ride home, I decided to retrieve my messages. "Not bad," I said out loud as I noticed I had only missed five texts and three voice messages. I began to read all of Toni's texts one by one.

Text #1

Hey you, just thinkin bout you. I hope you are having a gd. I will call you later.

Text #2

Hey, baby, work is crazy. Man, I hate this job sometimes. I haven't heard back from you. I hope everything is ok. Call me when you get a chance.

Text #3

I guess you on the train or maybe in a meeting. I am on lunch and was desperate to call you. I hope whatever Jonathan told you didn't scare you off. I guess we can talk about it later.

Text #4

1 hour to go before I get off work. I am so ready to go. I was thinking of getting a bite to eat tonight after work. I will call you later.

Text #5

I am off work now and I am not getting something to eat. I forgot I took out some salmon and I am going to cook that for dinner.

_Man, a guy that can cook is so sexy_ , I thought to myself as I began to smile. He was eating home-cooked food and I was about to grab a turkey sandwich from Quiznos. Man, I couldn't wait until I found a house and moved out of my mom's house. I had been living on my own for seven years now; it was hard to move back home with your mother after being on your own for so long. Then my phone flashed a new text from Toni. "Ditto," was all it said.

That word had me all messed up, and then I looked up and realized I missed my stop.

"Damn," I said as I jumped up and waited in front of the subway door so I could get off at the next stop. "Oh well, it's only a few more blocks to Quiznos, the walking will be good exercise."

_Ring, ring._ My phone started going off. Damn, it was Toni. I guess I couldn't avoid him anymore, I said to myself as I picked up the phone.

"Hey you," I answered the phone, trying to sound excited to talk to Toni.

"Hey, JR, what's up?"

"Oh, nothing, I'm just getting off the train, about to go to Quiznos and get—"

"Let me guess," Toni interrupted. "A turkey sandwich, light mayo on the left side of the wheat bread and light mustard, no, excuse me, spicy mustard on the other side."

"Cute, very funny."

"Oh, I'm not finished. A little bit of lettuce on top or, as you call it, salad."

"Hey, I said that one time. I'm going to get off the phone with you when I order my food from now on. Besides, I really don't eat out a lot, as I try to eat home-cooked food and not all of this junk stuff."

"Oh, baby, I'm just playing with you. It's cute you say Quiznos is junk food. How was your day today? I hope it was good."

"It was good, I got a lot accomplished."

"Thanks to me."

"Thanks to you? What?"

"Yeah, you got a lot accomplished because you wasn't calling or texting me back," Toni said, sounding defeated.

"Babe, that's not true. I was on and off the train today and I was running around Manhattan, getting lost."

"Man, you are a bad liar," Toni said, shutting me up.

"I hate when you do that."

"Do what?"

"When you say I'm lying... I really did get lost in Manhattan. I was so focused on finding my way around I wasn't paying attention to my phone," I said, sounding defensive, but he was right.

"Baby, you always get lost... you know you wasn't lost, you was just taking a detour."

"I like that word; I was just taking a detour."

Before I knew it, it was 1:20 a.m.

"Toni, it's getting late."

"I know, honey, but I just like talking to you and hearing your voice."

"Ditto."

There was a short pause between Toni and me.

I was a little nervous; maybe I shouldn't have said ditto. After all, in the movie _Ghost_ it was the way Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze said they loved each other.

Finally Toni spoke and broke the silence. "That's a good movie."

"Yeah, it is. I loved the loft they lived in, in the movie."

"Damn, I thought the same thing when I was watching it today."

"I tell you, great minds think alike."

"I knew we were meant to be together... do you want to know what I told Jonathan this morning?"

"Yeah, what did you tell him?" I asked, trying to sound interested in hearing it again.

"I told him that you were very special and I think I've found my soul mate."

It didn't sound so sweet and sincere when Jonathan said it.

"JR, I can't stop thinking about you. I dream about you, I dream about us. It's crazy, I know, because it's only been a few weeks, but I know myself and I have never felt like this before."

"Toni, I want to say I feel the same way, but the way I feel about you, the way I feel about us, is so crazy. I think about you all the time as well. I miss you when I get off the phone. I think crazy thoughts on a daily basis. I often wonder if moving to New York was the right move. I wonder what would have happened between us if I had stayed. Would I feel the same way?" I said, just laying everything on the table over the phone.

"I feel the same way, babe. Let me ask you this question, do you believe in true love?"

Like déjà vu because Jonathan just asked me that same question this morning.

"You know, before I met you, I would have said no, I don't believe in true love, love at first sight or even soul mates, but the way you make me feel every day is different. We connect in a way that no one has ever connected. I swear I can feel your thoughts, your actions, but I often wonder if it's because it's over the phone and not in person. I can't honestly explain it to you, let alone myself."

"You don't have to explain or understand. That's the beauty of love."

Love, I repeated silently to myself, and then I was just silent while Toni went on and on about love. I was still very lost and confused, but Toni sounded so confident in all he was saying, so I just listened.

## **  
**

##  ******We Need to Talk...**

_Ring_ , _ring_ , _ring_ , the phone rang. I ran over and opened the phone without even looking at the caller ID.

"Yo, JR. what's up?"

Damn, I thought to myself. "Hey, Terry, what's up?"

"Nothing, I see you've been avoiding me."

"You always think someone is avoiding you. What's good?"

"Nothing, man, I'm just calling to see what's up."

"Oh, everything is cool, just trying to get settled."

"What, you moved already?"

"Yup, I'm up here, but I'm still looking for a house in New Jersey."

"I guess you were really serious about moving back to NY?"

"Man, T, I've been telling you for months I was moving back up north and you didn't believe me. Soon, in a couple of months, I will no longer be an Atl-aliens or a BK Chick, and I will be a Jersey Girl."

"You crazy, JR. I was just calling to see what's up. When you coming back down?"

"I don't know; I have some work back in the A that I may consider, so I may be down soon."

"Man, if you need anything, even a ride from the airport, hit me up."

"Thanks for the offer, but I think I'm good. I figure I'll rent a car while in the A or Angela will scoop me up from the airport." I wasn't a hundred percent comfortable yet around Terry, so I was trying to spend less one-on-one time with him.

"So, what are you working on?" Terry asked.

"Now, you know I can't tell you."

"Oh, I see how you are, keeping secrets from your best friend now, I see. You Hollywood."

I guess we were back to being friends, I thought to myself.

"You crazy, but I learned how to be Hollywood from the best actor in all the world. I would like to present the Oscar to Terry Michael Wright."

"Thank you, thank you, first and foremost I would like to thank God, then my mother and father, I love you guys..." As he began jokingly giving his Oscar acceptance speech, I was just happy to get my best friend back. I missed him. We hadn't really spoken much since the night when he lost his mind and his friendship with me.

***

"Yo, JR, I am reminding you again."

"I know, I know, your birthday party is on Wednesday."

"I know how you get."

"I'm not going to forget my best friend's birthday party, you know that. Don't look at me like that," I said as Terry was giving me a sarcastic look.

"I am not that bad, am I?"

"Yo, J, you work like seven days a week. You don't even call me anymore."

"I know, I'm sorry. I've just been busy, flying home and all, looking for houses, dealing with my dad, but I promise I am coming."

"Who are you coming with?"

"Angela, she gets off work at ten, so we'll probably be there around twelve or so."

"Okay, J, see you on Wednesday."

***

"Hey, Angela, is the key under the mat? I'm heading to your place now and will be getting dressed while you're at work, so when you get off, all I have to do is my makeup and we're out the door. I don't feel like hearing Terry's mouth tonight; I told him I'll be there around twelve."

"Oh, girl, don't front, we have plenty of time. What are you wearing?"

"You know all my brother's friends will be there, they're like family, so I have to come correct. I'm wearing some brown and pink Guess caper pants that I got in New York last week and a cream cami with a pink sweater and brown heels."

"That sounds cute. I wish you would have told me you were really getting dressed, I would have went out and bought something new too."

"I told you Terry was having a birthday party; you should have known better."

"All right now, you drinking tonight?"

"Yes, girl, I am. You know I don't drink and drive, not after what happened to Jason, Kevin or even Terry himself."

"Oh, you're spending the night, then?"

"Yes, girl, you know my motto: I came with you and I'm leaving with you."

"Well, let me get back to work. I'll see you when I get home."

***

"Yo, JR, you ready?" Angela shouted as she sprayed herself with perfume.

"I'm ready."

"Okay, let's go. You drive because I don't know where I'm going."

"You live off Lenox and you still don't know your way to Buckhead?"

"I didn't know it was in Buckhead."

"I said Club Shadows."

"Girl, I can't keep up with these clubs and their names. They change names like every month or so."

"Girl, you crazy, give me the keys," I said to Angela as I took her keys and started her car.

Within eight minutes we were at the club and it was packed.

"Damn, do you see Terry anywhere?" Angela said as she closed the car door of her 2001 Nissan Sentra.

"Girl, it's midnight on the eve of his birthday; he's inside getting drunk, at least that's what I would be doing if I was him."

"Yo, JR, what's up?" a guy shouted, running up to me and Angela as we were crossing the street.

"Hey, sweetheart, what's up?"

"How have you been? You're looking good tonight. Yo, you good, right?" he said, making sure I had a way inside the club without any issues.

"Yeah, we good."

"Yo, I got to run to the car for a sec, I catch you inside, a'right?"

"You good, I see you inside."

"Yo, who was that?" Angela asked before we made it to the front door.

"Girl, I don't know, probably one of Terry's friends. Girl, I told you if I call any guy sweetheart, dude, sweetie, honey, pumpkin or anything crazy like that, that means I don't know or can't remember their real name. You know my memory is bad," I said as Angela busted out laughing.

"Girl, you crazy."

"Yeah, but you still love me."

"Excuse me, everyone needs to make one line and leave the sidewalk clear before anyone is getting in," the bouncer shouted.

"Hey, Cassie, what's up?"

"Yo, JR, what's up, girl? She's good." Cassie flagged the bouncer that I was good to get in.

"She is with me," I said to the bouncer, letting him know that Angela was also good.

"Yo, Cass, Terry upstairs, right?"

"Hey, girl, he's upstairs."

"How much longer you at the door?"

"I'll be here until one; then I'll be partying with you guys," Cassie said as she placed neon green wristbands on Angela's and my wrists.

"Thanks, I'll see you upstairs."

As we began to walk upstairs to locate my play-brother, I double-checked with Angela to make sure she had her cell phone just in case anything happened, or if we lost each other in the club, she could call me.

"I got it," she said, squeezing her purse to prove it was in there.

"Terry, happy birthday, baby," I said as I ran over to say hi to my brother.

"It's about time."

"Don't start with me, I'm here, ain't I?"

"Alright, alright, oh, my bad, what's up, Angela?" He turned to me and said, "Why you always bring her?" trying to whisper but was talking loud enough that I knew Angela heard him.

"Stop it," I said as I grabbed his hand and we all began walking into the back of the club to his VIP section.

"I was waiting for you before we toast. Yo, Al, E, Mo, T, bring everyone over so we can finally toast my birthday, nigga," Terry said after calling, like, every letter of the alphabet and not calling anyone by their government names.

"Yo, JR, whad up?" After kissing and hugging all my brother's friends, we finally began the toast.

"Yo, raise your glasses, motherfuckers, and let's give it up to my man True," Sam said.

I was really happy to be by my brother's side that night. He was still using a cane, but he was looking pretty good. After the car accident he just wasn't the same. But I was glad everyone came out tonight to help him celebrate another year on earth.

"To my man T, I hope you see another year," Al said.

"Thanks for just being there for me; you a good dude," Mo said.

"Yo, True, I hope your crazy ass live long enough so we can do this again next year."

"True, True, True, what to say." E paused for a second and said, "That's all I got... naw, nig, good looking out in the past and you know I always got your back."

After about five minutes of sarcasm and joking around, it was finally my turn.

"Okay, you guys, I am going to get serious," I said as I grabbed and held my brother's hand.

"Terry," I said as everyone began to laugh because I was one of the few people who called True by his real name, Terry. "Don't laugh, Michael, Shawn, Montrell and Anthony." I began calling everyone by their government name one by one.

"JR."

"Okay, JR."

"Okay, J, my bad," everyone said as they began to shut up so I could speak.

"Thank you, I am going to make this nice, quick and simple. Trrruuueeee," I said, dragging his nickname out, "you are like a brother I never had and I love you for that. You have always been there for me when I needed you and even when I didn't need you." Everyone let out a little laugh. "I'm just kidding, but seriously, I love you, T, and I am so glad you made it through the wire to celebrate with us today." As we raised our glasses, the Kanye West song "Through the Wire" came on and I looked up at the DJ and he also raised his glass in our honor.

Terry went through a nasty car accident and he made it out alive like Kanye did. I still can't believe it was only three months ago.

***

"Yo, J, you coming out tonight?" Terry asked.

"Naw, man,I have to be at work in the morning, so I'll set this party out tonight."

"Come on, J, you can't be serious, you can't miss tonight."

"You say this every night."

"C'mon, JR, you know you're like my road dog. Or should I say road-club dog," Terry said, trying to make a really bad joke.

"No, seriously. It's Wednesday, and either I come out tonight or I lay low tonight and come out Friday night. It's your call, because I can't be going out four and five times a week like before. I have no idea how you do it. I'll just stick to the weekend, so leave my weekdays alone."

"Fine, you get a pass tonight, but we riding out on Friday."

"Bet," I said to Terry.

"Okay, holla, I'll hit you up after lunch tomorrow."

But that phone call didn't come after lunch, it came much sooner. I got a call at like four a.m. from Terry's wife, Monica, saying Terry got in a car accident and he was at Grady Hospital.

"What? Wait, what happened?" I tried to ask.

"Jamie, I can't talk now, I'm heading to the hospital. Terry got in a car accident," Monica just repeated with her voice about to crack as she began to cry.

"Okay, I'm heading down to Grady now." I tried to get off the phone, as I didn't like to hear anyone cry because I never knew what to say when someone cries around me.

I never moved so fast as I jumped out of bed, got dressed and raced down to Grady Hospital. My heart was racing as I drove down I-20, trying to figure out what happened. How bad was he hurt? Was he going to make it? I swear I got there in fifteen minutes and it's at least a twenty-five-minute drive. Before any more crazy thoughts went through my head, I was getting off the elevator and saw Monica and the kids.

Terry's kids, Kevin and Keisha, ran up to me. "Hey, sweethearts, how are you doing?" I could see it in Monica's face she didn't want the kids around this mess. I still didn't know what happened, but I noticed the doctor walking towards us, so I asked the kids if they were hungry.

"Hey, guys, you want a snack? We can head down to the vending machine and you guys can pick out whatever you like."

Monica mouthed the words _thank you_ , but Terry's oldest son, Kevin, who was only seven, knew something was up.

"No, I want to stay here with Mommy."

I'd known this kid for a minute now, so I knew he couldn't resist a bag of Doritos. I said to Keisha, "I bet the vending machines have Doritos."

"Doritos," Kevin repeated. "Mommy, are you going to be okay?"

Monica said, "Go with Jamie, I'm fine."

I could see in her face she wasn't fine. She was just as worried as I was, but both of us tried to hold up a good front in front of the kids.

After about fifteen minutes, we made our way back to Monica and she was crying. My heart almost broke because naturally I thought the worst. Terry was gone, I thought to myself, and as the tears started building up in my eyes, Keisha ran over to her grandmother.

"Grandma," both kids yelled and ran over to greet their grandmother. Monica must have called her mom because Terry doesn't talk to his mother much and I knew she couldn't just fly down from NY this fast.

Monica walked up to me and gave me a big hug. I was a little surprised because I was Terry's best friend not Monica's. But Terry trusted me, so she did too, I guess.

Now that the kids were away, I asked Monica what happened.

"I don't know. All I know is the car is totaled. The police say he ran into the back of a semi-truck and he got stuck underneath the back of the truck. The doctor says he broke his thigh bone in his right leg and both of his shins are broken," Monica said as she began to cry.

"Oh my goodness," was the only thing I could say.

"The doctor was just telling me he just got out of surgery and he'll be able to talk in a few hours. But the police are still hanging around because they feel he was drunk."

"It's going to be okay; Terry is strong." I was not the best motivational speaker at times, but this was the best I had.

Hours passed, and by this point, the kids went home and the lobby was now filled with all of Terry's closest friends. I guess word traveled fast, because I didn't call anyone and I knew Monica wouldn't call his friends.

Finally, the doctor said we could see Terry, but of course, not everyone was allowed to go to his room. I didn't think anything of it, but Monica allowed me and Al to go back to see him. Al and Terry went way back, so I understood why she was cool with Al, but I was new to his circle but totally honored.

"Hey, Terry, how are you feeling?" I said, again not the best sentence to say at this time, but that was all I could get out. Terry looked bad, his face was all black and blue and swelling. He seemed so out of it, he barely said two words. I didn't feel it was the right time to see Terry, but I pulled myself together and just grabbed his hand. We all just sat there in silence. I believed in God, but it'd been a minute since I'd been to church even though I catch myself trying to go to church about every other month, which was really good for my lifestyle and age. I silently said a prayer because this mess was out of our control but in control of God only.

Days went by and Terry was getting better and better. I naturally went to work and then went to visit him after work. After about a week or so, Terry finally started to speak about what happened. I managed to go to his room one afternoon when Monica wasn't there and I asked him what happened.

"Yo, J, it was crazy, I don't really remember."

"What do you remember?" I asked.

"All I remember was leaving the club around two a.m. and driving home."

Now Terry knows I don't play with drinking and driving, and I remembered the cops wanting to talk to him because they thought he was drunk. "So did you have too much to drink?" I finally asked.

Terry looked at me like I offended him. "Come on, man, I only had like three shots that night, but real talk, I was just tired and I must have just fell asleep at the wheel. According to what the police said, I just ran my car into the back of a moving semi-truck. Did you see the car, J?"

"Yeah, man, I seen the pictures, and it looks like the whole car went underneath the semi and the complete top of the car was ripped off."

"Yo, I've had a lot of time being in this bed, thinking about it all, and even though I don't remember much, I know you bailed on me. At first I was mad, but now I'm so happy you didn't come along that night. You know your ass falls asleep at night in the car, and you sleep with your head back against the headrest. According to the EMS, my head fell forward onto the steering wheel before hitting the truck, because if my head fell back onto the headrest like you sleep, my head would have been cut off."

I grew silent because that could have been me and my life. Naturally, I played my emotions off like I was cool. "Well, I'm glad you're okay. How long did the doctor say you have in this bed?"

"Man, this blows. I have to spend Christmas in here, and hopefully I can get out by New Year's. Yo, J, you know I wouldn't ask this favor if I didn't have to, but can you look out for my family and get a few Christmas gifts for them. I was hoping that job came through and I had the extra cash."

This sucked, Christmas was only three weeks away, but clearly, Terry probably didn't have a job coming through. I'd known him for over three years and never seen him work a real job. He was that guy who knew everyone and was always at the right place at the right time, but never knew how he made it. He never sold drugs or anything crazy like that. His wife worked a full-time gig, but she don't play, so I doubt she was just supporting him.

"Sure, T, I got you. I'll get a few things for your fam for Christmas," I said with a heavy heart. This was why I never had any extra money. _I'm so tired of living from check to check and using up my savings on everyone else_ , I said to myself, but if the tables were turned, I knew Terry would do the same for me.

"Yo, J, you heard that new song by Kanye West? It's called 'Through the Wire.' He sampled that Chaka beat. All I can think of is that song as I sit in this bed. He was also in an accident and got banged up pretty bad, but he made it through the wire."

***

"Yo, J, JR," Terry yelled over the music, trying to figure out why I was just sitting down. "Yo, this is my party, so you better get up and have some fun and stop daydreaming." He filled my glass yet again.

The night was going good and my glass stayed filled all night long. I guess everyone jumped on the opportunity to give me a drink since I only drank once in a blue moon.

"No, I'm good, True. I had enough to drink." Everything was looking like a blur.

"Come on, JR, have a drink with us. This is True's party, and he made it 'Through the Wire,'" one of Terry's friends said.

"I still haven't finished my last drink." I raised my glass of Cristal mimosa to show everyone that I still had some drink in it.

"Come on, JR, you're not driving and you said you don't have to go to work in the morning," Terry said as he began to pour more Cristal in my glass.

About four glasses of mimosa filled with a mixture of Cristal or Don or Moet with Ketel One vodka later, I was feeling too good, not to mention I had two shots of Patron and a Sex on the Beach, compliments of Terry.

"Damn, what time is it?"

"Yo, JR, you bugging," Terry said as he put his hands on my shoulders, trying to calm me down. "You need some fresh air. It's mad hot in this club."

"Okay, it is hot as hell in here," I said as we began to walk outside.

"Yo, J," Terry shouted over the crowd. "Let's go through the back. Too many people out front still trying to get in."

I should have known better. It was about two in the morning, raining outside, and the club closed in an hour, and there wouldn't be anyone outside. That night was pretty much a blur. The last thing I remembered was walking outside with Terry and he asked me for a kiss. I, of course, laughed it off and continued to walk; that was it. Four hours later, I woke up in the backseat of Angela's car at Angela's house with Terry standing over me with an umbrella. It was crazy, the door was open, and he was just standing there as if he never left my side.

"Jamie, Jamie," Terry said as I began to regain consciousness. "Yo, man, you had me scared. I never seen you drunk before."

I tried to sit up, but my head was killing me, and I began to ask him 101 questions. "Terry, what time is it? Where am I? Is everything okay?"

"No, Jamie, you good. I was so scared, you scared me to death."

"Why, what happened?"

"You must have had too much to drink. You passed out a few hours ago."

Reason number two why I didn't drink; it wasn't like I couldn't hold my liquor, but I had these blackout spells and never remembered a large block of time if I drank too much.

The relationship between Terry and me was about to change at that very moment, and all I could say was, "Damn, how drunk was I? Did anyone see me drunk?" thinking of myself and my almost spotless reputation.

"Jamie, I have to talk to you," Terry said, brushing off my last question.

"What's up? This must be serious; you never call me Jamie. Oh god, what did I do in those four hours I was passed out? How did I get to Angela's apartment?" I was still asking questions.

"Don't worry about it; I took you home. I drove my car and followed Angela to her apartment, making sure you guys got home okay."

"Thanks, man."

"You know I wouldn't let anything happen to you. I love you."

"Aw, I love you too."

"No, Jamie, I'm serious and don't know why I'm telling you this now, but I really love you. More than you know. I can't stop thinking about you, and after the accident, you were there for me, and for three months you were by my side in the hospital."

"Terry, I wasn't the only one by your side; your wife, Monica, was there as well."

"Man, I know that. I love Mo and she's the mother of my children."

"Yeah, she's also your wife and she's a friend. Think about what you're saying. Please don't do this."

"You talk as if I'm trying to hurt you; I'm not trying to hurt you. I love you, man, don't you understand I love you."

"No, you don't."

"You can't tell me how I'm supposed to feel."

"Now what? What do you want me to do or say? You know I love you like a brother, for god's sake, I'm like your children's godmother."

"Jamie, what am I supposed to do? Just keep my feelings toward you inside?"

"Yeah, Terry, I wish you did, I really wish you did," I said as my voice got softer and softer. "Terry, you are my best friend and I would do anything for you, you know that." I began to speak as the tears finally came rushing out of my eyes.

"I would do anything for you too, JR."

"Terry, please leave and go home. Go home to your wife, my friend Monica."

"JR, please don't do this."

"Do what?" At this point I was crying mainly out of anger and frustration. "Terry, I sat there and listen to Monica cry over you when she caught you cheating on her. You know how long and hard it was for her to even trust me and I wasn't the one you cheated with. She trusts me and I would never do that to her, to myself. You know how things went down with me and Robert, and I will never go down this path again. Listen to what you're saying. You are family and that is it, family." I finally tried to get up out of the car and removed the blanket lying over me and realized my pants were unbuttoned.

"What did you do, Terry?"

"What?" he responded with a dumb-ass look on his face as if my pants were not unzipped.

"Terry, go home."

"JR, JR, JR," he shouted as I ran towards the stairs. "Yo, Jamie, we need to finish talking."

"I am done talking to you," I yelled as I ran up the stairs and into Angela's house without looking back.

"Angela, Angela, are you up?" I called out her name as I walked into her apartment, wiping my tears away.

"JR, you okay? I see you finally got out of the car."

"Hey, I'm jumping in the shower; we'll talk later."

As I began to get undressed, I couldn't help but think about what really happened in those four hours I was passed out. Could Terry have tried me like this? "He couldn't," I said to myself. The thought of Terry taking advantage of me was unreal. I finally got all my clothes off and looked at my naked body in the mirror and began to examine myself. If something did happen between Terry and me, then maybe I would have some kind of mark or bruise. But then again if I was passed out, then I didn't know what was going on, so I may not have fought back. I realized I might be overreacting since there was no bruising and I jumped into the shower. As the cool water hit my body, waking me up, I was frozen for a second. Nothing could have happened, I hadn't had sex in months, and when I waited a long time, everything got tight like it was my first time and I would be sore. I didn't feel sore, so I didn't think we had sex, I prayed. As I finally got out of the shower and began to get ready for bed, it was seven in the morning. I said my prayers and fell fast asleep.

"JR, wake up," Angela said, shaking me to get up.

"Damn, Angela, I just went to bed like ten minutes ago. It's too early."

"Too early? You must be still drunk. It's almost three o'clock."

"In the afternoon?"

"Yes, in the afternoon. I was letting you sleep after your night last night. Chris asked about you in spin class today. He said I give him a half-assed job when you're not there working out with me."

Angela kept talking and talking. I wasn't even listening. I couldn't stop thinking about what happened to me early this morning.

"JR, JR," Angela called my name, snapping me out of my daydream. "Did you hear me?"

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"I said how much did you have to drink?"

"Girl, I don't even know. Last night is such a blur, maybe you can fill me in on what happened?"

"Girl, all I know is your drunk ass missed a great party."

"Did everyone in the club know I was drunk? Did I embarrass myself like drunk people do? You know I hate that."

"No, actually, you didn't, but I would have paid money to see Miss Perfect act like an ass," Angela said, laughing. "Girl, I'm just kidding. All I know is you were in the VIP with True and them while I was on the dance floor with True's friend Alan. He is too cute, by the way."

"Girl, stay focused, and besides, I told you to stay away from Alan and True's friends. They're nothing but drama."

"First of all, I am a grown woman, and second of all, they're your friends too."

"They are associates, there's a difference, and this is why I can tell you to stay away from them... anyway, I was in VIP and?"

"Yeah, you were in VIP, you came up to the dance floor every now and then when your jam was on, but nothing out of the ordinary happened. I didn't even know you were drunk until True came and got me and said you were passed out in his car in the parking lot. Girl, at first I didn't believe him; then I remembered you said you were drinking tonight. It was around 3:30 or so when True was hurrying me up to leave and take you home."

"So, you took me home?"

"Yeah, I took you home; you bail my ass out all the time when I have too much to drink."

"Did you?"

"Did I what?"

"Did you also have too much to drink?"

Angela became silent; she knew she couldn't lie to me especially at my best friend's party. Word would have gotten back to me so fast if she was drunk or either one of us acted the fool. "I had a few drinks. Besides, Terry drove behind me and followed me to my apartment. He was crazy; he asked me if I needed gas in the car... I live five minutes away from the club, but I still took the twenty he was offering," Angela said as she began to laugh. "You got a good brother; he really cares about you. He was driving me crazy."

"What was he doing?"

"He couldn't even enjoy himself once you got sick in the car. He was harassing me to take you home and stuff. He wanted to take you to the hospital. Girl, would you believe that? What am I supposed to tell the doctor? He was tripping. Then when we finally got home, he didn't even want to move you. He told me to go upstairs and get a blanket. When I finally came back downstairs, he was yelling at me for taking too long. Girl, you know what alcohol do to me, I had to use the bathroom so bad. Anyway, when I told him I was going to bed, he said he was going to stay out there until you got up. He even asked me, me of all people, if I had food in the house. Now I knew he was losing it. I am a chef on the side; I always have food in my house."

I tried to force a smile on my face, but it couldn't show through my eyes. Everyone could always see if something was bothering me through my eyes.

"JR, don't worry, you didn't do anything to embarrass yourself, I promise."

I smiled but still couldn't understand what really happened between Terry and me, and I guess I would never know.

***

"And last but not least, I would like to thank my best friend, Jamie Reynolds." That last sentence of Terry's acceptance speech snapped me back into reality. "JR, this is for you," Terry said as he pretended to be all choked up from crying.

"Terry, you stupid as hell... but great speech, but why you have to speak about me like I was dead and not like I was sitting in the audience with a badass Chanel dress on with a fine-ass man next to me."

"You crazy, J, I got to go, I'll hit you later."

"Okay, holla at me."

"Okay, one." The phone went dead. I guess whatever happened on Terry's birthday would be a mystery to me, and I wanted it to stay like that. It was great to have my best friend back.

## **  
**

##  ******Two Months, Ten Days, and a Whole Lot of Hours...**

"Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever.

"Dear heavenly Father, thank you, Lord, for waking me up this morning. Lord, I thank you for the many blessings in my life. I thank you for the many positive people in my life. Please continue to keep them safe and always be with them in their time of need. I ask you, Lord, to continue to look over me and my life and help me to walk in the path of righteousness. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

"Good night, Toni," I said as I closed my eyes, wishing him good night as if he was with me in the room. That night I laid my head, closed my eyes, and thought how good it would feel to have Toni in my bed next to me. Tears slowly came out of my eyes. Were they tears of joy or sadness?

"Good morning, baby..." I typed, sending Toni my daily morning text.

"GM, honey... how did you sleep?"

"I slept good."

"I had a dream about you."

"Really, what was it 'bout this time? U always have dreams 'bout me. I wish I could remember my dreams as while as you do," I said, sounding a little jealous.

"It was a crazy dream. I dreamed that I was heading to this party and I was being chased by the chain-saw massacre guy. I was trying to call you to get directions to the party because you were already there and he kept on showing up with his saw."

"Wow, baby. That dream was a bit crazy."

"What is crazy is my mind and how I feel about you. Every minute, moment of each day... you are my morning flower deeply rooted, stirring the nutrients of love always. Blooming with encouragement, and exhaling oxygen..."

My eyes filled with water as I finished reading the text. "That was beautiful, baby."

"Well, that is enough sweet-talk, my sweet, for the day. Have a gd and I will talk to you later. Don't work too hard."

"You also have a gd... I am running late for my meeting."

***

"And that is what the layout looks like. By the end of the week, we should have the budget complete, right, JR?" Mark turned to me, waiting for me to agree to his promise to our newest client, Morning Birds Entertainment.

"Right, JR?" Mark said again as he cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry, Mark, you were saying?"

"How do you function with two cell phones? If one is not ringing off the hook, the other is beeping from a text," Tory Webster from Morning Birds Entertainment said.

"Yeah, how do you?" Mark said, trying to be sarcastic.

"You get used to it," I said, sending my final text and closing my phone. "Anyway, according to these layouts, we will have everything completed, including the budget, before the week is over."

With the look on Tory's face, I knew he was pleased with this meeting.

"Okay, Mr. Webster," Mark said as he attempted to shake his hand.

"Please, call me Tory." He turned his back on Mark and gave me a hug and small kiss on the cheek.

"Jamie, everything sounds wonderful," Tory said.

"Please, please call me JR," I interrupted him as we both started laughing. I gazed quickly at Mark, and he didn't look too pleased with our joke.

"I look forward to working with you. I've heard a lot of good things about your work."

Before Tory even left the room, Mark grabbed my arm, pulling me back down into my chair. "Jamie, what is going on with you?"

"What?"

"You almost blew the deal, playing with your phone."

"What are you talking about? I didn't almost blow the deal. Tory was happy with our work."

"Our work, he didn't even acknowledge me."

"Oh, is that what this is about?"

"No, JR, I'm just saying."

"What, Mark? What! Morning Birds Entertainment found me."

"I know this, JR, I'm just saying what is up with you lately?" He grabbed my hand to sit me back down in my chair. "I didn't mean to sound mean."

"Don't worry 'bout it. I have a lot of work to do before the week is over."

"Don't you mean we?" Mark said with a confused look on his face.

"I guess? I'll call you later."

As I began walking away, I couldn't help thinking about what just happened. I was a freelance worker, and Mark was cool and all, but we worked for ourselves. Yes, occasionally he found work and hooked me up, and I do the same, but he pissed me off.

Wait, what was I saying? Mark was a great production coordinator. Where were these crazy thoughts coming from? I really had to ask myself these questions.

"Jamie, Jamie," Mark called my name as I got midway down the block.

"Yeah?" I said to him as I stopped and turned to face him.

"Thanks," was all he yelled as he turned around and began to walk in the other direction. I just smiled to myself and kept on walking. After about five blocks of walking away from the restaurant, I was mad but didn't really know what I was mad about. Everything was going good, I was on a new project, I guess you could say I found love. What was wrong?

***

It'd been a long-awaited meeting, I thought as I called Toni but got no answer, so I started to leave a message.

"Hey, babe, it's me. I was just calling to let you know that I'm on the road. I can't wait to see you. I can't believe I'm ditching work for the weekend to drive to Virginia. This is so exciting." _Beep, beep_... "Okay, gotta go, this is you on the next line."

"Hey, babe," Toni said.

"Hey, honey, where are you at? I'm right outside of Pennsylvania."

"Babe, I am so sorry to do this, but I'm still in Atlanta."

"What??" I said as I almost got into an accident as I came to an abrupt stop off the road and parked in the emergency lane. "What happened?"

"We've been talking on the phone for a little over two months now. This will be our first time seeing each other since the day you left Atlanta. I'm nervous."

"Babe, I know, I'm a little nervous too, but it's going to be okay. Babe, we both have dreamed about this day for a long time now."

"Aw, aw, aw, baby. I can't do this no more, I'm just kidding, I'm outside of Alabama."

"What? That is not funny. I've already turned around."

"Babe, did you really turn around?"

"No, I'm just kidding."

"Now that wasn't funny. I guess we must be even."

"Oh no, my friend, we are not even. Payback's a bitch," I said, laughing. "Can you believe in less than four hours we will be in each other's arms for the very first time?"

"Yeah, JR. I can't wait, but according to these directions, I'll be there in about five hours. You'll get there before me."

"Not a problem, I can finish up my budget that's due on Monday. That will help me get my mind off this man I think I'm head over heels for."

"I wonder who that could be."

"He's a cool guy, you might like him. Maybe you can meet him in Virginia. He's driving up and will meet me at the hotel in a few hours."

"As long as he makes you happy, then I'm happy for you."

"Toni, you crazy. Let me save my battery. I don't know what happened to my charger. It stopped working when I was driving. I just bought this new dual cigarette lighter and I had my laptop and my phone charging, and now it doesn't work."

"Why did you have your laptop charging in the car with you?"

"Do you really want to know?" I continued speaking without allowing Toni to reply. "Good thing you're going to be late, I can get some work done."

"I wonder about you sometimes," Toni said as he laughed at me.

"Alright, babe, I'll call you in a bit. Drive safe."

"Love you, no, love us," Toni said.

"Ditto," I said as I hung up the phone.

John Legend was playing on the radio. "This is my boy," I said as I raised the volume. As I just began getting into the song, my phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and noticed it was David. "David, what does he want? I haven't spoken to that boy since I left Atlanta."

"Hello, this is JR."

"What up, nig?" David said, sounding extra excited.

"Whad up, Mr. Walker, how are we?"

"I good, man, I was just calling to see what's up. I haven't spoken to you in a minute. You can't call a brother no more or what?"

"David, you know my schedule is crazy."

"I know, I know. How is your dad?"

"He's doing good. The week before I moved back to New York he just walked right out of the hospital. It was crazy."

"I guess he just missed his daughter."

"I know, that's what he said when—"

"He ain't the only one," David said softly.

There was an awkward pause on the phone. Did I hear him right? I thought to myself.

"So, how's the kid?" I quickly jumped up and said, referring to David's eight-year-old son.

"Oh, you know, he's good."

"That is good."

"So, man, what have you been up to?"

"Man, doing what I do best, work."

"Hey, man, did I catch you at a bad time? Are you working now?"

"Naw, you good, I'm just taking a break from work and heading to get something to eat."

_What the hell am I doing?_ _Why am I lying?_

"What do you have a taste for?"

"I don't know, why, would you like to join me?" I said, trying to be funny.

"You know I would if I could."

"You stupid."

"Well, man, I was just calling to see how everything was doing. Hey, man, don't be a stranger, hit a brother up."

"I'll do that, enjoy the rest of your day; tell the family I said hello."

"Alright, JR, talk to you later."

"Bye."

"Bye."

As I hung up the phone, I noticed a sign: 175 miles to Virginia. "Damn, I still have, like, two and a half hours and I can't believe David called."

I still couldn't understand why I was so shocked that David called. He was a cool dude, not to mention cute. Damn, I could still remember the first day we met at the Havana Club. He was cool and he made me laugh. Any other guy would have never even approached me after I tried to leave Angela at the door of a club for collateral. I even remembered the next night when we went out on our first date. Angela was so mad at us for going out together on our own before we went on our double date.

***

_Ring, ring_... "Who is this calling me?" I said to myself after looking at the unrecognizable number on my cell's caller ID.

"Hello, this is JR."

"Hello, JR?"

"Yes, this is her," I said with an attitude.

"Damn, girl. Why you sound so mean? You New York girls are all alike," David said, trying to sound funny.

Oh my god, this was the dude David that I met last night. Damn, he did say he was going to call me today. Who would have thought he would really call.

"Excuse me, don't start with your country ass."

"Oh, so now I'm country."

"No, boo, you were also country last night."

"You say it like it's a bad thing," David said, sounding concerned.

"It couldn't be so bad, I gave you my number, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what's up, nig?"

"Nig?" I said back to him, pretending not to understand him. "I'm sorry, I don't speak country."

"Funny, man, or should I say son." He imitated a New York accent.

"Please don't do that again," I said, making fun of his pretend New York accent. "You crazy. Where you, at work?"

"Hey, man. Trying to make a little pocket change. So what do you do again?"

"I work freelance on production projects and I work the night shift at Channel 2 news."

"Oh, excuse me but that doesn't sound so busy."

There was a slight pause on the phone. I didn't really understand what he meant.

"I asked you why you were still single last night, and you said you are a very busy lady," he said, trying to explain his previous comment.

"Oh, I am a very busy person. I work a lot. My job is my life right now."

"That's cool."

"Yeah, yeah, I know," I said, interrupting him. "I meet guys and they always say that's cool, they like a girl that works and all that other good stuff. But I'm different, I really do work a lot. My life right now is my success and my career. It's hard being black and a pretty decent-looking female in my line of work."

"JR—" David tried to say something, but I just kept on talking.

"My work always leads me to the club or entertainment events, so this is how I know so many people, and my line of work keeps me out and about, staying relevant, you know," I tried to explain myself as if he asked me to do so.

"JR," David said, "JR."

"Oh, my bad, I am so sorry."

"No, you're good. I guess you heard this before, but I do understand. It's cool, I respect that about you. At least you ain't one of these girls out here just looking for a dude to take care of them. Good guys like us always finish last."

"So you're trying to say you're one of the good guys," I said in a seductive voice.

"I guess you could say that, but you can be the judge of that."

"Okay, I guess I will."

"So what are you doing today? I know your schedule is all crazy and stuff, but do you have a moment today for little ole me?"

"Very cute. I'm actually off for a few days and don't go back to Channel 2 until Friday night and I don't start a new project until next month. So this is like a short month for me."

"Cool, so what's good? You want to catch a movie or something?"

"A movie would be cool," I said.

"Well, it's four o'clock now; I get off work in an hour. What do you want to watch?"

"I'm not too picky; anything is cool. What side of town are you on? I live in Stone Mountain."

"I stay over in Gwinnett."

"Gwinnett," I repeated back to him. "That is so far from me."

"Girl, please, I'm like fifteen minutes from you. I used to live off of Mainstreet, back in the day."

"Oh, I have a house over off Mainstreet."

"Is that where you live now?"

"No, I live in my other house." Damn, I hated the way that sentence came out.

"Damn, nig, how many houses you have?"

"I have two, nig," I said, trying to sound sarcastic.

"Two houses and how old are you again?"

Damn, I hated where this conversation was going. "I'm only twenty-three, but I'm not rich or anything, I just work very hard and try to make some wise investments. Besides the house I'm in now is my mother's investment property. I recently moved and rented my townhome off Mainstreet last month since my mom's rental is larger."

"It's cool. It's hard to find a female that got her shit together."

"Thank you." That didn't go that bad, I thought to myself. Most guys would say some stupid-ass comment like, I want to be like you when I grow up, or can you buy me a house, or my personal favorite, baller, can I have some money for my down payment?

"JR," David said, snapping me back into reality.

"Sorry."

"You okay?" David laughed.

"I'm good."

"So I'm on the Internet now at work. What movie do you want to see?"

"I don't know, what movies are playing? I'm game to watch anything except scary movies."

"I guess _Saw_ is out of the question, then," David said, laughing.

"Yes, it is. Unless you're planning on moving into my house, so I can sleep at night for about a month or so."

"That doesn't sound too bad, _Saw_ it is," he said.

"Funny."

"Damn, there isn't much showing. If I get off work at five, there's a six twenty showing of _Troy_."

"Oh, the new Brad Pitt movie. That sounds cool. Where is it showing at?"

"It's showing at Cinema 24 off of Pleasant Hill Road."

"Pleasant Hill Road. Where is that? It sounds familiar."

"It's located in Gwinnett. If that's too far, we can go to the movies off of I-85, but traffic might be kind of bad," David said.

"No, the one in Pleasant Hill is fine. I just don't know how to get there."

"Do you know where Gwinnett Place Mall is?"

"As a matter of fact, I do," I said while looking into my huge walk-in closet full of clothes.

"It's located behind the mall."

"Okay, that's cool. I'll see you in—" I paused for a second to look at the clock. "Damn, it's past five o'clock. Aren't you off of work?"

"Yeah, I am, but I was enjoying the conversation, I didn't want to say anything."

"That was sweet, but if you don't stop me, I'll talk your ear off."

David started laughing. "You don't say. Alright, I'll see you in an hour or so."

"Alright, see you in a bit." As I hung up the phone I began dancing around like a schoolgirl in my closet. "What to wear, what to wear? Nothing too dressy, but still cute," I said to myself while pulling out about five pairs of my tightest jeans. Of course I have to show off my best asset, referring to my ass, which I was extremely proud of because my small waist made my Coke-bottle shape even sexier.

"Parasuco or Baby Phat?" At least I narrowed it down to two pairs of jeans. After about another ten minutes of trying on clothes, I finally decided on my dark blue Baby Phat jeans, a white V-neck sleeveless shirt and a pair of white Air Force 1s. Why dress up too girly for a movie? He already seen me at my best last night at the club.

Thank goodness I had just got my hair done yesterday and my hair was still in good shape even after all the dancing we did last night. One final look in the mirror and I was good to go.

I was speeding down the highway to get to the movies. I didn't want to keep him waiting.

"Damn, am I too early?" I said to myself after looking around and not seeing him. "Wait a minute, I don't even know what car he drives. Calm down, JR, you got this." First dates always made me nervous and I never knew why. Anyway, I parked the car and applied a little bit more Mac Lipglass to my lips. "Can't forget the gum," I said as I began to look for some gum in my purse. I was all set, so I decided to get out of the car and make my way up front so he could see me when he pulled up.

"Yo, shorto, can I holla at you for a sec?" some guy from behind me yelled.

"No, I'm good." I kept on walking toward the door, without looking back.

"Just like a New Yorker," the guy said. This time he was a few steps behind me.

"You stupid as hell," I said as I stopped and turned around.

Damn, the club lights did him no justice. He was looking fine as hell with some blue jeans, a button-up and a clean pair of Air Force 1s.

"Can I get a hug?" he said, snapping me out of my vision.

"My bad." I hoped he didn't notice me damn near drooling over him, but the way he was looking me up and down, I could tell he was also checking me out.

"Have you been waiting long?" David asked as he leaned in to hug me.

"No, I just pulled up."

"Come on, the movie is about to start." He grabbed hold of my hand and walked us inside to buy the tickets. "Do you want any popcorn or candy?"

"No, thank you. I'm good."

"Don't be trying to act cute. What, are you watching your weight?" David said as he poked at my very flat stomach.

"Sorry, I'm very health conscious. I don't eat much fatty or junk food."

"I like what I hear; I try to watch what I eat as well. I try to work out at least five times a week and play basketball as much as possible."

"Hey, me too. I work out at LA Fitness."

"I work out at the LA Fitness on Pleasant Hill."

"Oh, there's an LA Fitness around here?"

"Yeah, it just opened a few months ago. It's supposed to be one of the biggest ones in Atlanta. Maybe one day we can work out together. I don't know if I can keep up with you." David laughed as he tried to feel my arm muscle.

"First of all, all my muscle is in my legs, and second of all, my trainer has me on a strict workout schedule on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Saturdays are my free workout days."

"I'm scared of you," David said as we sat down as the previews started.

***

"That was a good movie," David said while he was stretching from his chair.

"Yeah, it was pretty good."

"So, what's next? Do you want to get something to eat?" David asked while cracking his neck.

"You gonna make it? You all stretching and stuff, old man," I said, laughing while we walked out of the theater.

"Old man, aw."

"Yeah, old man, how old are you again?"

"Funny, first of all, that was a three-hour movie and the chairs were very uncomfortable."

"I'm just kidding, relax, old man."

"Oh, and twenty-six."

"What?" I said, confused.

"My age. I'm twenty-six. My birthday was last week."

"Oh, happy belated birthday."

"Thanks, so we game to get something to eat or what?"

"Sure, why not."

"We can take my car, unless you want to drive?"

"No, you can drive. I hate driving sometimes."

"Okay, I guess I'll have to come and pick you up for our next date."

"How you so sure there will be a second date? And even though I hate driving sometimes, I hate to depend on a ride because I have a fear of being left if the date goes bad."

"Well, damn, nig, I guess I have to drive to your house and you can drive to our second date so you can leave me if the date goes bad. And yes, I said second date."

As we walked toward his car, the only thing I could think of was, what kind of car does he have? He was from Atlanta and all; for all I knew, he could have a hooptie or Caddy. He really didn't look like the Caddy type.

"Don't be too sure," I said as he pulled out his car opener to automatically open his car door.

_Beep_ , _beep_ was all I heard as he pressed the alarm off for his 2003 Acura TL.

"Oh, I'm sure," he said as he opened the car door for me.

I couldn't help the cheesy-ass smile on my face. "Nice car," I said with a stupid smile of relief.

"What did you expect, a Cadillac?"

_Damn, he is good. He must have been reading my mind._ "No, I wasn't expecting a Cadillac, I was expecting a hooptie."

We both busted out laughing.

"So, what ya got a taste for?"

"You are so country; it's cute."

"Oh, so you think I'm cute," he said, popping his collar.

Damn, he got me. All I could do was smile and laugh at the same time as he continued to pop the collar on his shirt.

"So, what do you eat, Miss Health Nut?"

"I eat almost everything except red meat, pork and fried foods."

"Well, that is a lot of things not to eat. How long have you not eaten red meat?"

I just smiled at him because I got the same response when I told people how long it had been. "It's been about thirteen years."

"Damn, that's a long time."

"I know, but it's cool, it doesn't bother me. I really don't remember what it even tastes like." The date was going great; I didn't even realize we had been inside the restaurant for over two hours. After dinner we just sat in the restaurant and talked and talked for hours. I felt like I was having dinner with an old friend. It was very refreshing. I knew from that night on, this was a good guy.

***

_Ring, ring._ "Hello, this is JR."

"Hello, JR. How are you doing?"

I got so caught up in daydreaming about David and me, I forgot I was heading to Virginia to meet up with Toni for the weekend.

"Hey, honey. What's up? How is everything?" I said.

"I'm good, where are you at?"

"Oh, hold on, I'm pulling up to a highway sign now... I'm about thirty-two miles away. I should be there in about thirty minutes or so."

"Okay, that's cool. I'm about three hours away."

"Three hours, I thought you should be a little closer than that. This means you won't be in until after midnight."

"Yeah, I was trying to follow my friend's bootleg directions. It was supposed to be a shortcut through Alabama. That stupid shortcut had me driving through a residential area at thirty-five miles an hour. That was a waste of my time. It set me back like an hour."

"I'm sorry to hear that, babe. Well, I'll be there in a minute. I can get some work done and relax until you get there," I said, but didn't really understand how that could tie him up by an extra two hours. Virginia was halfway between us, so I figured he would be an hour behind me, not three hours. I wondered if he was really in Alabama when he said he was the first time he called. Anyway, at least I could finish up some work and relax a bit before he got there.

***

"Thank you, lord, for getting me here safely. Please continue to bless and guide Toni on his journey here," I prayed to God as I dropped my things down on the bed and looked around my weekend suite.

"Let me start unpacking and get some work done before I fall asleep. Sleep, why am I thinking about sleep? I have way too much on my mind to fall asleep. I'm about to meet the guy I fell in love with over the phone for the first time, or should I say second time. Damn, what should I wear?" I put my laptop to the side and began looking through my open suitcase. "What to wear? Of course, I have to show off my best assets." Smiling to myself, I immediately thought of the perfect first/second meeting outfit. "Perfect," I said to myself as I laid out a white pair of boy shorts and a small black express shirt with the word "sexy" in diamonds on the front pocket.

"This is cute, yet sexy, and I can sleep in it," I said to myself. I managed to finish my report, took a nice long bath and got my thoughts together as I began to put the outfit on and still no Toni.

Ring, ring.

"Hey, babe, where are you?" I said, excited to hear Toni's voice on the phone, knowing he would be here soon.

"I just got the room key and I'm coming up. I was making sure you were still up."

I had actually dozed off, as it was one o'clock in the morning. Toni took four and a half hours to get to the room from the last time we spoke, not three hours like he said.

"I'm up now."

"Sorry I took so long. Traffic was crazy, I also stopped to grab dinner and charge my phone at a rest stop."

I was so tired and excited at the same time I didn't even say anything.

"I'm getting on the elevator now; my phone may cut off in here. So I'll see you in a few seconds," Toni said as the elevator door closed.

I swore the room was spinning after I hung up the phone.

_Knock, knock, knock._ My heart skipped a beat after each knock at the door. This was the moment I had been waiting for, but why was I afraid to open the door? I immediately jumped at the door and looked through the peephole and saw the man I had been speaking to on the phone for over two months.

"Well, here goes," I said to myself as I assisted him in opening the door.

"Hello, babe," was the only thing I said as our eyes connected as one for the first time as lovers.

His arms were so strong and felt so good wrapped around my body. Tears began to fall down my face as I held on to my new man. After about a two-minute hug, we pulled apart. Again I looked into his eyes and my heart stopped as I noticed a small tear roll out of his eye.

"Babe," I said as I embraced him again.

"I love you, JR."

"I love you too, Toni."

After another minute or two went by, I pulled us apart and said, "Okay, okay, enough of the mushy stuff. How is everything? I've been waiting for this day for a very long time."

"You and me both," Toni said as he began looking through his bag. "I got something for you."

"You do?" I said, flopping on the bed like a little kid waiting for their presents on Christmas Day. "What'd you get me?"

He pulled out a small white bag. "Now, you got to calm down. It's not that big of a gift."

He threw the bag to me and I opened it, and to my surprise it was some old pictures of people I didn't know. I was so confused. I looked up at him and just smiled. He sat down on the bed next to me and said, "I know we're moving fast, but I told my family about you. They wanted to meet my 'soul mate,' but first I wanted you to meet them."

We stayed up for hours, going over the pictures and confirming what we felt in our hearts for each other these past few months... LOVE.

***

"Thank you so much for a great weekend. I love you so much. I don't want to say good-bye," I said as I grabbed a hold of him in front of the Marriott hotel. "I'm going to miss you."

"I'm going to miss you too, JR. Please don't cry," Toni said has he held me in his arms and rubbed my back. "Shh, I love you too. I will never forget this weekend. Don't think of us being apart. Just think of all the new memories we made this weekend. Think of how much fun we had in the park, at the zoo, at dinner and in the room." He pulled me apart from him and helped me wipe away my tears and kissed me good-bye.

I swore my soul stood still as I watched my love turn around and walk away as we both drove off in two different cars and to different states.

That six-hour drive back to New York had my mind thinking. My time in Virginia with Toni was short but great. We both were very happy and comfortable with everything. Yes, we were moving very fast, but it felt so right. I was still scared, but I convinced myself to really go and enjoy everything. I always overthought things, and sometimes my mind would bully my heart. But Toni seemed different and it felt real, especially since we didn't have sex while together in Virginia. He respected me and said he didn't want to rush me since I was still afraid that everything was moving so fast. He said he fell in love with my inner beauty and my mind not my body. This was a first for me because I personally focused so much on my outer beauty, and finally someone saw me and liked me for my inner beauty.

## **  
**

##  ******One-Hour Trip to New Jersey...**

"Good morning, Ma," I greeted my mother as I walked into the kitchen.

"Good morning, Jamie, what do you have planned for today?"

"I'm meeting Alan in a few hours to finally go house hunting. I think I'm going to focus on moving to New Jersey, because you get more house for your money there. Besides, because of my home in Georgia, I only qualified for one hundred sixty thousand dollars, so I would never find a decent home in a decent area in New York around that price."

"Okay, that sounds like fun. Do you mind if I tag along?"

My parents have been separated or divorced (can't keep up) for a while now, so I could tell my mother was lonely even though she would never admit it. I enjoyed hanging out with my mother, but living with her was slowly driving me crazy. She was a mom, so I wasn't really used to checking in and checking out when I went to work or went out. I also felt like I was sneaking back into the house every night if I worked late or when I went out if it was late.

"Sure, I'm meeting Alan in Newark Penn Station at noon. So I'm leaving the house at eleven." I said my departure time with hesitation, as my mother didn't know time and she was always late for everything. My family ran on Trinidad People Time (TPT). I prided myself on being on time for everything. Everyone lied to my family about the time things started, but I always got the correct time because I would actually show up on time. "Seriously, Ma, it's a one-hour trip to New Jersey on the train, so I really want to leave at eleven."

"Okay, let me start getting dressed now," my mother said, at eight a.m., which gave her three hours to get dressed, which was crazy, but my mother always took great pride in her appearance. My whole life I heard "your hair is your beauty" or "always take pride in your appearance and dress nice because you never know who will see you."

I was very proud of my mother, as she beat me getting dressed and was sitting down in the living room at 10:30 a.m., patiently waiting for me to get dressed. We ended up leaving the house at 10:45, which was perfect because I totally underestimated the train ride to New Jersey. We had to take the J train to Broadway Nassau and walk to the Path Train, which was down at the World Trade Center stop. It was still so airy to be down by the World Trade Center after 9-11. It was very peaceful even with all of the construction going on.

We made it to Newark Penn Station right on time, and Alan was waiting outside the station for us. I guess I forgot to mention my mother would be joining us because Alan was shocked to see me bring a guest.

"Good afternoon, Jamie, welcome to New Jersey," Alan said, as if this was my first time in New Jersey.

"Thanks, Alan, this is my mother, Kathy."

"Good afternoon," Alan said as he shook my mother's hand.

The afternoon started off slow as Alan kept on showing me condos, but I had so much furniture I really wanted to see a single-family home. I also wanted to stay in Jersey City, but my budget kept us looking for homes in Newark. We found a few nice homes, but nothing jumped out at me. Alan and I had to set up another day of house hunting, but my mother asked for Alan's business card.

Next thing I knew, the whole way back to Brooklyn my mother was talking about how much she liked New Jersey and how much more house she could get for the money. She was right, so I agreed with everything she had to say.

Three days later I got a call from Alan trying to set up another day to view houses, and he asked if my mother would be joining us. I was surprised he asked me, but then again I had been so busy with this commercial I was working on I hadn't been around to talk to my mother about joining me again, so I told him I would get back to him on that question.

Little did I know my mother didn't just want to join me on the house hunting, she also wanted to find her own home in New Jersey. My mother had been speaking to Alan and got approved for a house on her own in New Jersey. Naturally her budget was almost three times mine, so she had more options.

It took my mother about three weeks to find a home in Newark, and I finally ended up settling for a single-family home in Newark less than a week after, and it ended up being less than ten minutes away from my mother. I was happy my mother found a home but even happier to close on my new home so I could finally move out of my mother's house.

## **  
**

##  ******You Can't Change the Flight or the Closing...**

"I am so happy; finally my new house in New Jersey is closing in less than a week, five days, to be precise," I said to Toni over the phone.

"I'm so glad to hear that. This has been long-awaited news."

"Tell me about it. I swear, if my loan officer calls me for one more copy of something, I'm going to kill him."

"I hear you. Well, at least you can finally get your stuff out of storage and move out of your mother's house."

"Preach, I can't wait to leave. I mean, I love my mother to death, but she's driving me crazy. My love for my family is stronger from a distance."

"That's not nice to say," Toni said, laughing.

"Toni, come on. Can you imagine going back home and living with your parents for almost four months? It feels more like three years."

"You crazy. So your house closes on Tuesday?"

"Yes, Tuesday, July 6. I'm counting down the days."

"Don't you have a business trip on the same day?"

"Yeah."

"So when are you going to move into the new house? When are you going to unpack and get settled?" Toni said, sounding very concerned.

"Welcome to the Jamie Reynolds chronicles. Trust me, everything will get done before my flight leaves."

"You won't even get to enjoy your new house."

"No, but it's cool, because at the end of the day, I have a place to lay my head when I get back."

"I'm going to miss you. Where are you going again?"

"I'm going to Boston." I hated lying to Toni, but I didn't want to spoil my little surprise for him.

"You talk as if you don't miss me now. You forget we still live in two different states."

"How can I forget that?"

"Well, babe, sorry to cut the conversation short, but I have to make some phone calls before the day is done."

"Okay, JR, I'll talk to you later. Love you."

"Ditto."

After I hung up the phone, I felt a little bit guilty about lying to Toni. I figured it was a good lie because he was going to like the outcome. I mean, it wasn't a total lie, I did have calls to make.

Ring, ring.

"Damn, Angela, you must have been reading my mind; I was just about to call you."

"Hey, girl, what's up?"

"Nothing, I just got off the phone with Toni."

"So, do I get to meet this Toni guy, or what, next week?"

"Yes, girl, you get to finally meet him. I am so excited."

"And he still don't know you're surprising him on Tuesday?"

"No, girl, he is clueless and thinks I'm flying to Boston on a business trip. There is so much going on that day. Good thing my flight is at nine p.m. I just found out my house is finally closing on the same day."

"Damn, you are going to be busy. But congrats. You can't change the flight or the closing?"

"Hell no, I am not changing the flight, I booked that flight three weeks ago, and I am afraid to change the closing day because it took them over a month to set a date. Every time they settled on a date something came up and we ended up pushing the closing date back. We changed the closing three times already. Since I moved and my job is considered freelance, the banks were having a paperwork party and I was the guest of honor. But I'll manage."

"Oh, girl, a paperwork party? Please don't say that phrase again."

"What, you don't like?"

"No, I don't like. What is New York doing to you?"

"You crazy, girl, but not a damn thing. Anyway, let me go. I guess I can check you off my ATL list of people to call."

"Alright, cool. I'll talk to you later."

"Bye, Angela."

I spent the rest of the night calling everyone I cared about, and told them I was coming into town for a few days. It would be cool to see everyone. I hadn't seen my friends in over four months.

"Should I call David and tell him I'm coming into town? Nah, I don't need to see him, what for? I have more important people to see in Atlanta. I'll call my brother T."

"Hey, Terry, what's up?"

"Oh, yo."

"Please don't sound so excited to talk to me," I said to Terry, trying to sound sarcastic.

"No, man, I thought it was someone else calling me."

"Thanks, that makes me feel a lot better."

"Come on, J, I just got a new phone and I didn't get a chance to add any numbers into it."

"Oh, a new phone, what kind did you get?"

"This phone is hot. You can talk on it, text people, and even go on the Internet."

"Ha, ha, your sarcasm is not funny."

"You asked what kind of phone it was, I was just answering your question."

"Okay, that's enough. I was calling you to tell you some exciting news."

"You giving me a million dollars?"

"Hell no, I ain't giving you a million dollars. If I got a million dollars, you can be a part of my entourage and watch me spend my money."

"Okay, J, now you got jokes. What's your news?"

"I'm coming to town in a few days."

"Okay, I'll call the mayor of Atlanta and tell her you're coming into town. Hopefully she can gather enough police officers to secure the area. I'll also call the local papers and radio station and let them know you're coming back into town. It's going to be All Star weekend all over again."

"Funny, funny."

"I'm serious, you know you're bigger than the president, and to tell you the truth, I don't think the ATL can handle such a big celebrity in town."

"Good-bye, T. I'll see you in a few days. Love ya."

"Alright, J, I will holla at you later."

Then the phone just went dead. Damn, after what went down at his birthday party, I guess he'd never say I love you back like he used to. Our relationship wasn't one hundred percent the same, but I was just happy to have one of my bests friends back. I felt a little guilty because I never really addressed his true feelings for me and I never even thought about how he was feeling about all of this, but I had enough on my plate and Terry was a big boy, so I moved on.

## **  
**

##  ******Damn, Seven Hours, I Got to Go...**

_Ring, ring._ "Hey, honey. How's everything going?"

"Hey, babe, everything's cool. I have a very busy day today."

"Have you signed the paperwork on the house yet?"

"No, not yet, but I'm heading to the bank to take out the rest of my savings to give to the lawyer. This house and the moving from another state tapped me out. I hate not having any extra money in the bank. I have to be on my grind these next few months, putting my finances back in order."

"I hate to see you on your grind. You would think you're on your grind right now."

"Tell me about it. Well, babe, I hate to rush you off the phone, but I just pulled up to the bank."

"Say no more. I'll talk to you later. Love you."

"Ditto," I said, hanging up the phone, feeling both guilty and happy about the rest of my day. "He'll be happy to see me when it's all said and done."

***

"Okay, Jamie, you sign here, and, Mary, you sign here," my lawyer James said as I finally signed my second home's paperwork.

"Mary, it was a pleasure finally meeting you," I said, standing up to shake the seller's hand as she handed over the key.

"You enjoy the house."

"Well, Mary and James, I hate to run off, but I have a flight to catch and my moving truck is waiting outside the house, waiting to throw my things into it."

Everyone laughed as I quickly walked out the door.

"Hey, babe. I finally got the keys," I said, standing in the parking lot on the phone with Toni.

"I am so glad for you. I wish I was there to help you both celebrate and move."

"I wish you was here too, it's cool. Hey, Toni, I hate to rush you off the phone, but I got to go. I have the moving guys at the house, waiting on me. When my day is all over, we can talk. Love you, got to go."

"Ditto," Toni said to the dead end of the phone.

I hated to rush him off the phone, but I got to go and make moves, my flight was leaving—I paused to look at my watch. "Damn, seven hours, I got to go," I said to myself as I pulled out of the driveway like a madwoman.

***

"Hey, Ron and Mike, sorry I'm a little late. You guys can start off-loading the truck now. Just drop everything into the living room except the bedroom set," I demanded as the guys began opening the truck.

_Ring, ring_. "Who the hell is this?" I said to myself as I began to follow the sound of my cell phone ringing into my new kitchen.

"Hello," I said very harshly.

"Well, good afternoon, Jamie."

"Oh, hello, Mrs. Reynolds."

"You don't sound excited to talk to your mother."

"Mom, I've been so busy these past few days. I swear, I have never heard of a house closing as crazy as ours. I was just ready to get out of that hotel."

"Well, thank god it's all over and we can now get settled in. I agree, I felt so displaced these last few days."

"Ron and Mike are at the house now, moving myself in, or should I say throwing myself in."

"You're always in a rush; you need to slow yourself down."

"I know, Ma, but remember, I have a flight to catch in"—I paused to look at my watch—"five hours. Ma, I hate to rush you off the phone, but I have to go. I'll stop by and see your house when I get back in town next week, promise."

"Oh, by the way, Alan mapquested the distance from your house to my new house. It's only four point four miles away."

"That's good, Ma, I'll call you later."

_That's good, what am I saying?_ I was going to lose my mind living so close to my mother. I loved her and all, but from a distance. I thought I was going to lose my mind those four months at my mother's house in Brooklyn. I was a little happy both of our houses took an extra few days to close after the initial closing date. But I felt bad that she had already rented the house in Brooklyn out and none of us had a place to live for five days. I had to check myself into a hotel and she had to stay at her brother's house for those days, but I needed my space. I loved hotels, as I felt like it was a mini vacation. Thank goodness the tenant in my rental property in Stone Mountain was great and paid her rent every month on time, as I really needed that extra money during this whole process.

The sound of a falling box broke me out of my daydream, or more like a day-nightmare.

"Hey, Ron, is everything okay?"

"Everything's cool. We're almost done."

"Damn, I love you guys. I'll throw an extra tip on your bill before you guys leave."

"JR, you don't have to. We move your mother in tomorrow. Your many referrals are all we need."

"Thanks, Ron, I hate to rush you out, but I have to jump in the shower and head out."

***

"Damn, I'm pushing it," I said to myself as I pushed almost ninety miles per hour to get to the airport on time. But I decided to make some last minute calls before I caught my plane.

First I called my mom and left her a message since her phone went straight to voicemail. "Hey, Ma, the car is parked at the airport in row J, as in Jack, 13. The ticket and twenty dollars are in the glove compartment. That should be more than enough to cover the parking. Thanks again for picking up my car at the airport. Have fun moving tomorrow. I'll call you later."

Then I called Toni. "Hey, babe, what's up?"

"Hey, I was getting worried about you. I know you had a crazy day, so I didn't want to bother you.'

"You wouldn't be bothering me if you called. You know I love to hear from you."

"So are you all moved in?"

I had to think for a second and remind myself of the big mess I left at the house. I had a crap load of unpacking to do when I got back into town.

"Pretty much," I said, lying my ass off. "My phone is almost dead and I have to locate my chargers. So I might have to call you again later tonight, when I get settled and my phone is fully charged." Again lying through my ass.

"Okay, babe, have fun. Don't work too hard."

"I won't."

"Next," the front desk attendant said, loud as hell.

_Damn, this chick is about to ruin everything. I wonder if he heard that_ , I thought. "Alright, babe, I have to go. I'll call you later."

"Love you."

"Ditto."

"Hello," I said to the female at the front desk, trying not to give her attitude.

"What is your destination?"

"Atlanta," I said as I handed her my photo ID.

"How many bags you checking in?"

"I'm not checking in any bags. I was hoping to check myself in electronically, but I'm running a little late, and I know it can only be done at least an hour before the flight."

"Oh, you could have still done it; your flight has been delayed for forty-five minutes."

"Ain't this a bitch?"

"Excuse me," the front desk clerk said, looking confused.

"I'm sorry, I was talking to myself. So what time does the flight arrive in Atlanta now?"

"Probably around 12:30 a.m. or so. But this is just an estimate. Your captain or the flight attendant will confirm the time."

"Thank you," I said as I took the ticket and headed towards the terminal.

_Damn, what should I do? Should I call Toni?_ I couldn't call him because the airport was always making announcements; he would ask about the extra noise in the background. I guess I should have picked a business trip that required me to fly. Boston was only a few hours' drive, so I wouldn't call from the airport.

"Oh well," I said to myself. He would be okay. Let me get my life together with this extra time in the airport. I was always so productive at the airport but never knew why.

***

"Hey, Angela, I'm outside, where are you?"

"Hey, girl, I didn't get your message until late. I've been at the airport for two hours now."

"I am so sorry, I tried my best to call and let you know the plane was delayed."

"You good. I got something to eat at Paschal's in the airport. I'm walking up to the front now. Where you at?"

"I'm sitting on the bench in front of the AirTran baggage claim sign." Within seconds Angela was in front of baggage claim, picking me up.

"Thanks so much for the ride. I'll rent a car the next time I'm in Atlanta, but this trip is so brief, I figure I'll be chilling with Toni and don't need a car."

"Can't believe you're surprising him like this; that is pretty cool. How do you plan on telling him you're here?"

"I'm going to call him now. Check this out.

"Hey, honey, sorry to call you so late. I had a crazy day. How was your day today?" I said to Toni as I guided Angela on which driveway to park in.

"It was okay, I felt crazy today. I couldn't stop thinking about you. I wish I was there with you to help you move and to help relax you after moving."

"That sounds good. You can still relax me after my crazy day. Open the door."

"What?" he said, sounding very confused.

"Open the door. I'm in front of the house."

"What are you talking about?"

"Toni, I'm at your front door. I flew in to surprise you. Open the door," I said as Angela just laughed and shook her head at me.

"Hey, Toni," Angela yelled over the phone. "I heard so much about you, I can't wait to meet you."

"That's my friend Angela. She picked me up at the airport and we're both waiting outside."

"Are you for real?"

"Why don't you open the door and find out?"

"This isn't funny, Jamie. This better not be a joke."

"Open the door and find out."

"Yeah, man, open the door. It's late and I need to meet the famous Toni I heard so much about," Angela said as she crossed her arms, waiting for Toni at the front door with me.

"Oh, shit, you are really here," Toni said as he opened the door and saw me and Angela standing on his front step.

"I can't believe you're here. Did you even move today?"

"Hell yeah, I moved. I really had a crazy day today. Oh, I'm sorry, Toni, this is my best friend Angela. Angela, this is Toni."

"Good to meet you, we got to do lunch sometime. It's late and I'm tired as hell. You guys have fun. JR, holla at me in the morning. I have to be at work in a few hours."

"Sorry to keep you up this early. Thanks again for picking me up," I said to Angela as I gave her a hug.

"Nice meeting you," Toni said as Angela got in her car and drove off.

"Hey, honey," I said to Toni as we embraced each other for the second time as a couple.

"I can't believe you're here."

"Well, believe it, I am here. I hope I surprised you."

"Oh, you surprised me alright."

"Okay, honey, it's late, and I had a crazy day. I just want to get some sleep."

"Yeah, sleep," Toni said in a funny tone.

"Is everything okay? You still in shock?"

"Yeah, I'm still in shock. I wish you called me and gave me a heads-up. My room is a little messy."

"It's cool. How bad could it be?"

Man, I regretted saying that. I had never in all my life seen a room so messy. There were clothes, food, shoes, paper and garbage all over the place.

"JR, JR," Toni said, trying to snap me out of my amazement of his room.

"Yeah?"

"You okay?"

"I wish I did call you; this place is pretty bad." _Damn, did I just say that out loud?_ I knew I must have hurt his feelings. "I am so sorry, I didn't mean to say that."

"No, it's okay. I've been so busy myself, cleaning has managed to make its way to the bottom of my priority list."

"Anyway, it's cool. I guess I know what I'm doing tomorrow when I get up."

"What?" Toni said.

"What else? Cleaning this room. Where do you sleep?" There were clothes everywhere; you couldn't even see a bed. Nor did I see any sheets.

"Hold on, let me get some clean sheets."

Toni did the craziest thing I had ever seen. He walked over to a pile of clothes on the floor in the corner of the room, searched for a set of sheets and pulled out a white fitted sheet and a light yellow flat sheet and began to throw the clothes from the bed onto the floor, and put the new sheets on the bed. I guessed he slept on the mattress with his clothes and this was normal in his eyes. Not to mention he really didn't have a bedroom set, it was just a mattress and box spring on the floor. I was speechless.

"Are those sheets clean?"

"Hey, that pile in the corner is clean, the other pile is dirty," he said as he pointed to the larger pile on the other side of the room. At this point, I was so tired, I just kept my mouth shut and went to bed.

"Good morning, honey," was all I heard and the sight of fresh-cut fruits was all I saw. The presentation look so good it almost distracted me from the world's messiest room.

"Good morning, babe. How did you sleep?"

"Great since I had my baby lying next to me."

"You are so sweet."

"I can't believe you're here. I still wish you would have called and let me know."

"Why, besides cleaning up your room, what would you have done differently?"

I might not be the neatest person, but come on, besides an unmade bed and a basket in the corner with clean clothes, my room/house was always together. My closet didn't count because this was always messy. My mom always got on my sisters' and my case growing up about a tidy home. _"You never know,"_ my mom always said. So to date as an adult I always try to keep certain areas of my home clean because you never know.

"Man, if you would have told me you was coming I would have not only cleaned the room but put groceries in the house, you know, make it look less like a bachelor pad," Toni said right before he snapped me out of my daydreaming while again I started looking around the room.

"It's cool, honey. The room don't bother me," I said, straight lying through my teeth. "This breakfast looks good. I'm so hungry."

"I'm glad you like it; eat up. I'll be downstairs cleaning up."

"Alright, honey," I said. And no sooner after he closed the door behind him, I jumped up out of the bed and started to clean up the room. First I walked around the room with several large laundry baskets (which were filled with everything but clothes) and picked up every piece of clothing off the floor.

"I don't care what's clean and what's dirty. If it's on the floor, then it's all dirty," I mumbled under my breath. After ten minutes of picking up dirty clothes, I then moved on to the rest of the trash on the floor. I couldn't believe this guy, he had food wrappers, old cups, old bowls, paper everywhere, empty gum wrappers, open and unopened mail. For someone who ate so healthy like he claimed, there were a ton of Wendy's, McDonald's and Taco Bell bags all over the place. It wouldn't surprise me if there were bugs all over the room. Thank goodness I didn't find any, but then again you never knew, the carpet was so nasty once I removed the trash and clothes. Once again I used my floor theory and picked up and threw almost everything on the floor away. I finally started making an improvement on the room, as you could actually see the floor, but there were stains and crap stuck in the carpet. "This is nasty," I said as I heard what I thought were Toni's footsteps walking upstairs.

"Knock, knock."

"Come in," I shouted, after putting a piece of fruit in my mouth.

"Yo, J, what's good? Toni texted me late last night and said you was in town."

"Hey, Jonathan. How is everything?"

"Good, good, I see this nigga Toni's room is still a mess. Yo, I stopped coming in here after a while."

"Are you kidding me? I have been cleaning this crap for about twenty minutes now. You should have seen it then," I said to Jonathan as we both started to laugh.

"Hey, what's so funny?" Toni said as he was walking upstairs. Just as he hit the corner and noticed the clothes off the floor and in baskets and most of the trash was off the floor, he knew what we were laughing about.

"Damn, Toni, you got your girl to fly in from out of town to clean your shit." Jonathan tapped Toni on the shoulder and walked back downstairs.

I could just see the look in his eyes and saw that he was embarrassed. I felt bad, but he should be embarrassed.

"Babe, you don't have to do this. I just been busy. My room is never this messy." Which I knew was a lie because Jonathan said it was always messy after I spent twenty minutes cleaning it. He walked towards the bed and noticed the full plate of untouched breakfast. "You didn't even touch your breakfast."

"I'm sorry, honey, I've been nibbling on it between cleaning up." I walked over to him and gave him a big hug and kiss, with the biggest devilish smile on my face, knowing that this battle of the messy room was over and I had won.

"It's okay, honey. Thank you for helping me clean up. You relax and finish eating your breakfast and I'll finish up."

## **  
**

##  ******What a Mess...**

"Hey, girl, how was your time in Atlanta?"

"It was cool, Angela, but too short. I didn't even want to leave."

"I am so happy for you and Toni. He seems like a really good guy."

"Thanks, Ang, he is. He really is. I have so much work to do these next few weeks. As much fun as I had in Atlanta, it really set me back. I've been spending more than I've been making. I have to be on my grind these next few months. I was thinking about picking up a tax job for the next few months."

"You and this tax job thing."

"Come on, Ang, you know most of my clients pay under the table; I need a tax job. Besides, the extra cash will come in handy. So a nine-to-five gig would be helpful right now."

"What you going to do? Go back to bartending or retail?"

"I don't know yet, I was thinking retail. This is a new city and all, and I'm not too familiar with the club scene round here. It might be safe to do a retail gig since I'm living by myself and all. I'll keep you posted. I'm about to walk into this crazy house in a minute. I'll call you later."

"Alright, Jamie, I'll talk to you later."

***

Finally after seven hours of heavy cleaning and packing away, my new place started to look livable.

"I deserve a drink for all my hard work," I said to myself as I walked over to my cabinet full of large bottles of liquor and began to make myself a much-needed drink.

"What do I have a taste for? Malibu Bay breeze, peach Long Island or a sex on the beach." I took a long pause and decided to fix myself a peach Long Island.

Ring, ring, ring.

"Hello."

"Hey, what you doing?"

"Nothing, I just finished cleaning up and I'm about to fix myself a drink."

"Who is at the house with you?"

"Nobody, I'm by myself, why?"

"You're making yourself a drink by yourself?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Only alcoholics drink by themselves," Toni said as he began to laugh.

"I drink by myself all the time and I am not an alcoholic, I'm West Indian. Besides, I have to refresh my bartending skills sometimes."

"You're crazy. What does being from Trinidad and Tobago have to do with anything? What are you making?"

"I'm making a peach Long Island, and my Trinidadian roots makes drinking a social affair, as West Indians are very social drinkers, like Italians and wine."

"Italians and wine, I got it now. Well, enjoy your drink. Wait, what is a peach Long Island?"

"It's a Long Island ice tea with peach schnapps instead of triple sec."

"Damn, you're making a real drink."

"Yes, I am, thanks to Mexico. Remember I told you when Angela and I went down there last year I came back with a suitcase full of liquor."

"I thought you were exaggerating when you said suitcase."

"No, I was dead-ass serious. When you spend forty bucks on a medium bottle of Ketel One in the U.S. it's like twenty-five bucks in Mexico, or at least the part of Mexico we went to. I loved it."

"Spoken like a true alky."

"Ha, ha, funny. I know how to hold my liquor. Besides, one to two drinks doesn't make me an alky."

"No, one to two drinks a week don't make you an alky."

I didn't have the heart to tell him I meant one to two drinks a day on certain days. "Thank you," I said with a false sense of security. "Anyway, honey, enough 'bout me, what's going on with you?"

"Same oh, same oh. Just thinking 'bout this girl I love."

"Girl you love, are you cheating on me? Because I thought I was the woman you love."

"Ha, ha, very cute."

"Anyway, I'm 'bout to fix dinner, enjoy my drink, take a shower and head to bed. I have a busy day tomorrow."

"Is that anything new? I'll call you later, baby. Love you."

"Ditto."

## **  
**

##  ******How About Tomorrow...**

"Hey, honey, I can't really talk now, I have a whole crap load of work and my director is M.I.A."

"I know you're busy, honey, I just wanted to hear your voice."

"Aww, babe. You are so sweet. I miss you."

"I miss you too."

"Hey, got to go, hit me on AIM."

"Okay, bye."

Toni: Hey, baby.

JR: Hey, honey.

Toni: Long time no talk.

JR: You stupid. I just hung up the phone.

Toni: I know, I know, I am so bored at work.

JR: Well, it is almost 5 o'clock and you should be leaving soon.

Toni: No, honey. Today is Thursday and I get off at 7.

JR: Damn, sorry, honey, it's not that bad. At least you get off while it's still light outside. I don't know what time I'm getting out of here.

Toni: I know, honey, I hate the fact of you getting off set so late and having to drive home by yourself. It's just not safe.

JR: I know, honey, maybe one day, I won't have to drive home to an empty house. ☺

Toni: Yeah, I can't wait for the day that I'm home waiting for you with a warm candlelit bath and a hot home-cooked meal.

JR: Damn, that sounds good. One day, honey. One day.

Toni: How 'bout tomorrow?

JR: ???

Toni: I'm just going to leave work now and drive up to the woman that I love.

JR: Yeah, right.

Toni: Okay, don't believe me. Watch, before you get off work tomorrow, I will be sitting on the steps, waiting for you with open arms.

JR: That's sounds nice, but don't get me all excited. I should be done with this movie in about a month, and then maybe we can take a vacation or meet back up in Virginia.

Toni: Forget Virginia, we can have that magical weekend every night for the rest of our lives.

JR: So what you going to do? Just quit your job and move up here with me?

Toni: Yup...

JR: Stop playing. You stupid.

Toni: I think I'm serious.

Ring, ring.

"Hello, Toni, stop playing, are you serious?"

"I thought you was too busy to talk."

"Funny, I just went outside the office. I can't believe you're considering this. Are you serious?"

"I don't know, I have been thinking about it. I hate my job down here and you being in Jersey messes with my head. So what do you think?"

It took me a few minutes to reply and Toni asked me the question again.

"Babe, what do you say?"

"Babe, I don't know. This is a big step, we have only known each other for five months and—"

Toni interrupted, "I walked out on my job about twenty minutes ago."

"Wait, what?"

"We are soul mates and I can't be away from you too much longer, so I walked out and I'm getting ready for the next chapter in my life, in our life."

"So now what?"

"I guess I'm moving to New Jersey."

"Oh, well, okay then," was all I could say. "I'm happy and shocked at the same time. I can't believe you just quit your job."

"I know, love makes you do crazy things."

"Tell me 'bout it."

"Well, honey. I have a lot to do, I guess I'll call you later. You're off on Saturday, right?"

"Actually, I'm off on Sundays and Mondays."

"Okay, that works out great. I'll take a few days and get myself together and drive up Saturday. I'll be lying in your arms after you get off work Saturday."

"Lying in my arms, what happened to my hot meal and hot bath?" I said, laughing.

"You crazy, girl, I love you for that. I'll call you later."

As I hung up the phone and began to walk back to the office, I just realized what just happened. Toni was about to move in with me. My head started to spin with the thought of living with a man I just met a few months ago. "Calm down. Remember, he's your soulmate," I reminded myself, as I felt like throwing up.

My mind wasn't right for the rest of the day. I couldn't help but think of what was going to really happen between Toni and me. This relationship had been working great long distance, but everyone knows things change when the distance is gone.

"JR, what time is call time tomorrow?" Matthew, my producer, asked.

"I'm so sorry, it's seven a.m." I made the announcement to the crew that call time was seven a.m. tomorrow and wished them all a good night.

"JR, are you okay?" Matthew asked. "You've been out of it the whole afternoon. You even almost missed the lunch meeting. You've been doing great the last month, but I'm getting nervous."

"I'm sorry, Matthew, I assure you after a good night's sleep, I'll be on top of things again. It's been a crazy day, but again I apologize."

"Alright then, JR, have a great night, get some sleep, and we'll see you tomorrow at 6:30 a.m."

"Yup," I agreed, sounding upbeat. "Six thirty for our morning meeting and then off we go. Tomorrow we're working on scene ten and we're ahead of the production schedule, so this should make you happy."

"Always happy to save some money," Matthew said.

As much as I enjoyed working freelance, I also had a heart and felt bad when producers or directors tried to cut the production schedule to save money. Even cutting the schedule by two days was two days less in someone's paycheck since most of the crew worked for a day rate or a week rate.

I got in my car and began to drive home when the thought of Toni moving to New Jersey popped back into my head.

"I can do this; this is good news," I assured myself. The last guy I lived with was my ex-boyfriend from college in 1999. But that was short lived because we were young and dumb. Besides, his mother paid his half of the rent and it helped me save some money. I'd learned over time there were better ways to cut corners without jeopardizing my lifestyle.

"How would Toni moving in jeopardize my lifestyle?" I said to myself and laughed. He was a great guy; how bad could it be? I enjoyed my freedom, but I was getting older, so maybe this was a good thing and I would be ready for this.

As soon as I said that, I looked up as my car passed my exit home. "Crap."

Then my phone started ringing.

I looked down and noticed it was Toni. I had to pick up; maybe this would help calm my nerves.

"Hey, babe."

"Hey, pretty lady, what you doing?" Toni said with excitement.

"I'm driving home, hoping to just jump in the shower and then go straight to bed." I was trying to be nice and say I didn't want to be up on the phone all night. After my talk with Matthew, I needed to be well rested for work tomorrow.

"Oh, okay," Toni said, sounding disappointed.

"I'm ten minutes from home, so we can chat."

"I love the fact you found this gig in New Jersey. This way you don't have to deal with the train and I can talk to you while you drive home. Anyway, I'm packing for my big move. Man, I haven't been to New York in years. This will be fun."

_Oh my, does he think this is a vacation?_ I nervously thought to myself.

"Well, New York is just thirty minutes away from New Jersey. So there's plenty to do in both states," I replied.

"What's wrong, babe? You sound off," Toni inquired.

"Do I?" I pretended to be shocked by the question. "I'm just a little nervous. This is a big step we're taking and I guess it just hit me."

"I know, I know. After I got off the phone I was thinking, did I really just quit my job? I mean, I never done something like this before, and I felt bad telling Jonathan I was leaving."

I felt bad because Jonathan told me on our drive to New York that he actually wanted Toni out of the house because he wanted to ask his girlfriend, Tawana, to move in with him to give their relationship a fresh start.

"What did Jonathan say when you told him you're moving?" I asked Toni.

"He was fronting, I can tell, and was acting like he was cool, but I could tell he wasn't happy, but he did wish us well."

"Oh, okay, so what now? What's your plan?" I asked.

"So I plan on leaving first thing tomorrow morning after a good night's sleep."

"Wow, did you pack everything already? What are you going to do with your things? Can everything fit in your car? Do you have to rent a truck or something?"

"Naw, I'm just grabbing a few things and I'm out. The furniture was Jonathan's and all I really have is clothes and stuff."

"Oh, okay," I nervously said.

"Don't be nervous," Toni said, like he was reading my mind. "Everything will be alright. I'll get settled and find a job in no time, and we can just enjoy our future."

This was music to my ears; I was so glad he kind of had a plan.

"Thanks for the comforting words; that was helpful. I just got home and then I'm dead to the world."

"Okay, babe, I got you, be safe and I'll call or text you tomorrow when I get on the road."

"Goodnight," I said.

"Love you," he said.

"Ditto."

## **  
**

##  ******I Smiled at Myself and Embraced This New Relationship...**

_Ring, ring._ "Hey, nig what's up?"

"Hey, David, what's up?"

"Good man, you lost my number or something? You haven't called me in a minute."

"My bad, David, I've been a little busy."

"Your ass is always busy. That is the one thing I was feeling 'bout you."

My mind was elsewhere that I couldn't even joke around with David about him saying he was feeling me.

"I'm sorry, man, I promise I'll try to keep in touch for real."

"What's up, man, you sound out of it. How is the new man?"

This was awkward because he never asked about Toni. It was awkward enough when I told him about Toni last month after I got back from my surprise trip to Atlanta. He called me and was upset when he heard I was in town and didn't hit him up. I finally came clean to him and told him I was visiting someone new. I felt his whole tone changed after I told him that and, really, this was why we hadn't spoken in a while.

"Toni is fine," I hesitated to say.

"I would be lying if I said I was happy."

"David, you stupid."

"But real talk, why do you sound down?"

Beep, beep.

"Yo, I have to take this call; I'll call you back."

"You just avoiding my question, but you better call me back," he insisted.

"I promise I'll call you back." _Beep, beep_. "Alright, I got to go, I'll call you shortly."

Beep, beep.

"Hey, babe, I'm in North Carolina and will be in Jersey in no time. My guess is I'll be in later tonight when you get off work. What time you getting off again?"

"I should be off by nine or nine thirty."

"Perfect, maybe we can grab dinner when I get to your home. Man, that sounds crazy, but I guess your home is my new home."

That statement had me all twisted. "I guess you're right," I nervously said. "But, babe, you know I don't eat past like six p.m. if I can help it."

"I know, but I figure since this is our first official night, you can bend your rules a little."

He was right. "Sure, we can meet for dinner. I'm off tomorrow but may still be on call."

"I am so excited. This is a new chapter in our lives. I have dreamt about this day for months now, and it's finally going to happen in a matter of hours."

"Well, babe, I have to go. Drive safe."

"Love you," he said.

"Ditto." We both hung up.

I promised to call David back, but I really had to finish up some work first. I would call him during my lunch break after my lunch meeting, which was a working lunch because a small group of us ate while we discussed the day.

"Alright, guys, it's a wrap, let's break for lunch," Vincent, the assistant director, yelled.

"Hey, David, I'll call you in like twenty minutes after this meeting," I texted David.

He quickly replied, "Bet," as if he had the phone in his hand, waiting for me to call him.

Twenty minutes later, I called David as I began my afternoon lunchtime walk. I used this time to break away from the crazy production atmosphere and try to find some balance. I usually called Toni during this time, but I wanted to finish up my conversation with David.

"Hey, man, what's up? Sorry for the delay in my return call."

"I know, you was busy," David said as if he was mocking me.

"Yes, I was busy. Remember, this is what you was feeling about me?" I mocked him back.

"Ha, ha, very funny. I'm on my lunch break, so good timing on the call, what's up?" he said with excitement.

"Man, I'm good, can't complain."

"You sounded pretty down an hour or so ago, you alright? You know you can talk to me."

I wished it was that easy, David and I went way back and I didn't think it was right to talk to him about Toni even though I needed someone to talk to without judgment. I hadn't even spoken to Angela as yet. She wouldn't judge me, but I was just so afraid to call and talk to anyone because this was not like me. I didn't even let guys I date come to my home let alone move in with me.

"Yo, J," David yelled. "You good?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"So what is the answer?" he asked.

"Answer?" I asked, sounding very confused.

"The answer to my question."

"I'm sorry, what was the question?"

"When you coming back down to the A? You came last time and didn't even look a nig up."

"I feel you and I am sorry again; that was an unexpected and personal trip."

"Yeah, yeah," he said, cutting me off. "You came into town not to see me. I remember."

"Don't start, David. But I promise you, my next trip in town you'll be the first one in the A to know."

"I better," he said, laughing.

"Alright, I got to go. Holla at you later."

"You know you didn't answer my other questions, but I'll get some answers from you when you're ready. I just want you to be happy, so call me anytime if you want to chat."

"Thanks, I will one of these days. I'm still trying to sort some things out," I said, and I hung up the phone and continued on my last lap around the block.

I really wished it had worked out with me and David, but some people were better off friends than lovers. David was a great guy and I still had feelings for him, but it was very hard being number two in his life to his son. Don't get me wrong, his son was cool, but the baby-momma drama was not for me. His son's mother was all over the place, she was so angry and bitter, and I could never understand why. They never got married and he never wanted to marry her. Maybe that was why she was bitter, but then she went and got married two years ago and still gave David heartache. I remember when he got a raise at work, she demanded more money for child support. I felt bad because David was a great dad and bought his son a lot of stuff and had him two times a month and every other holiday. I wasn't a mother, nor did I have the desire to be one, so I guess I would never understand. This statement also never sat well with David, as he wanted more kids and I didn't. He always said I would change my mind, but in the end, I didn't think so. I also just didn't like being number two to his son since he was always on standby, this is why he always said he was on daddy day care because he sometimes felt like a day care service the way his son's mother treated him.

"Hey, babe, I'm on the turnpike and I believe I'm about an hour away from you." I got a text from Toni.

My heart started beating fast; thank goodness I got off work fifteen minutes ago. I was heading home and just tried to calm down and stay positive. It would be all good, I kept reminding myself. Toni must have sensed my nerves and he called me fifteen minutes later.

"Hey, it's nine p.m. What time you getting off work? I'm a hundred and twenty miles from Newark."

"Wait, a hundred and twenty miles? I thought you said you were an hour away like twenty minutes ago. You're still like two hours away."

"Not the way I'm driving," Toni joked.

"You be careful; those state troopers be all over the turnpike."

"I'm trying to make it home in time to have dinner with my favorite person."

"Babe, it's already after nine and you may not be here until after ten maybe even eleven. I won't be up for dinner around that time. Can we schedule breakfast, lunch and dinner for us tomorrow?"

"And for the rest of our lives," Toni added.

If he'd said this very statement when he was in Atlanta, I would have been flattered, but when it was send via phone when he was less than two hours away, it freaked me out.

"I can't wait to see you," was all I could say.

"You okay, babe?" Toni asked.

"I'm good, just a little sleepy, I guess."

"Oh, okay, I understand."

"And my mom's tripping because I haven't yet been over to the new house to see how she's doing."

"Hey, did you tell your mom the good news?"

"Good news?" I said.

"Yeah, that I'm moving up to New Jersey so we can be together."

"No, I didn't get a chance to tell my mother. It's late, so I may just tell her later."

"That's odd, I would think you would be telling everyone. Did you tell Angela?"

I wanted to lie and say I did, but I couldn't. "No, I haven't told her either. Babe, everything happened so fast, so I didn't really have time to tell anyone yet. Jonathan has been calling me and I haven't even had the time to call him back."

"Yeah, everything did move fast," he said, sounding disappointed. My guess was he told everyone he was moving to New Jersey. What's not to tell? You have a career-driven girlfriend who owns her own home in New Jersey and you're moving in with her with no job, no nothing besides the clothes in your car.

"Oh no," I said as the thoughts got me scared again.

"You okay?" Toni asked with concern.

"I'm good, I have to run, but call me when you're exiting the turnpike so I can give you directions to my house."

"Okay, babe, see you soon."

I just hung up. "What did I just get myself into?" I nervously asked myself. "Who just picks up their life with no job, no nothing and moves to a new state?" I figured a shower and a drink would help calm my nerves until he got here. One hour passed and I called Toni to check on him.

"Hey, what's up? How is everything going?" I said, trying not to sound nervous.

"I'm good, I'm about one hour away. Wait, there's a sign now. It says ninety miles to Newark."

"Wait, ninety miles? You was just at one hundred and twenty miles over an hour ago."

"I figured since we wasn't going to dinner, I stopped and grabbed something to eat."

"Oh, okay." _That makes sense_ , I said to myself. "You better than me, I'm bad at driving at night."

"I'm just listening to some Jack Johnson and cruising on this turnpike. You was right, I passed like ten state troopers so far; they don't play."

"Yeah, I know, welcome to New Jersey," I jokingly said.

"So, what are you doing now? What are you wearing?"

"Believe it or not, I'm wearing some sweats and a kid's wifebeater. Sorry, nothing exciting."

"You look sexy in anything. I can't wait to lie next to you in your sweats tonight."

It also dawned on me, Toni and I never had sex before. We never really had the right moment. When we first met in Virginia, I wasn't ready because we kind of just met. Then when I visited him in Atlanta, Jonathan was pretty much home the whole time and his messy room grossed me out so that it just wasn't right. He never pressed me about it and he respected me since I like to move slow, never wanting to waste a number on a new guy if the relationship wasn't going anywhere. But now that he was moving in, it would happen, which I was excited about. It'd been almost a year since David and I had sex, which was the last time I had sex.

"Thanks, babe," I said.

"Babe, it's going to be okay, I promise." Again, Toni must have been reading my mind.

"I know, babe, but it's still a little scary, you know?"

"At least we can be scared together."

Those words calmed my nerves and Toni and I talked until he got to my doorstep.

"I'm here, where do I park?"

"Welcome to New Jersey, you'll need to find street parking, and since it's so late, ain't no telling where you can park."

"Okay, let me go and find a place to park. See you soon. I'm so glad to be home," Toni said.

As the phone went dead, there went my nerves again. "Glad to be home?" I nervously repeated to myself. "I can do this, I can do this, I have been talking and texting with Toni for months and I do love him. This is a good thing," I kept telling myself over and over again.

My home was on a corner and I kept looking out of the window, hoping to pinpoint exactly when Toni was coming to the door. I finally saw him and he came walking up with one small duffle bag. "I guess I should go and help him with his bags because it's really not safe to leave your items visible in a car on the streets."

I looked in the mirror, and as tears began to run down my cheeks, I smiled at myself and embraced this new relationship. I had prayed for guidance and a clear direction for my life and maybe this was what God had planned for me. These were my last thoughts before I heard Toni walking up the stairs.

I quickly wiped my tears away and opened the door. The rest was all a blur as I embraced my love and invited him in. I did remember asking him if he needed help with the rest of his bags, and he said, "This is all I have." I was lost because it was a very small duffle bag. I believed he said he gave the rest of his clothes to Jonathan, which I found very strange because Jonathan was five eleven and at most 150 when wet, and Toni was a little stockier at five seven and 180 lbs. So I didn't think Jonathan could fit into Toni's clothes, but I planned on calling Jonathan back to catch up because he'd called at least two to three times and I kept telling him I would call him back.

Toni and I spent an hour of our first official night together talking and chatting. I gave him a tour of my simple three-bedroom home and he seemed pleased. It was after midnight and we went to bed. I could imagine how tired Toni was after the drive.

## **  
**

##  ******Round Two Was Much More Enjoyable...**

My natural body clock woke me up at 7:30 a.m. and I eased out of bed to check my phone while Toni slept. I know he was tired, so I didn't want to bother him. I figured this was a good time to call Jonathan, at least to let him know Toni made it safely to my home.

"Hey, J, sorry for the delay in my call. What's up?"

"Nothing, man, did Tone make it safely to you?"

"Yeah, he got in after eleven p.m. last night."

"Have him call me ASAP," Jonathan demanded.

"Oh, okay, he's sleeping, but I'll have him call you. Is everything okay?" I asked.

"Not really." Then Jonathan gave me an earful. "Man, JR, this man just up and left Atlanta. He told me he was thinking of moving in with you, and I was trying to call you because I found out he lost his job last week and was looking for another job, but then he said he was considering moving in with you."

"Wait, what? He lost his job? He told me he quit his job like three days ago."

"Naw, man, he lost his job because they said he wasn't productive. I think he lost his job because he was always on the phone and stuff. He did that security monitoring thing, so he should be monitoring security not texting or calling everyone. I found out he wasn't even supposed to be on his phone at all at work. He just got that job six months ago and was on probation and shit."

"Wait, how do you know all of this?"

"My cousin Billy works with him; he was the one who got him the job trying to look out. I told Toni not to mess this up because my cousin put his name as a referral and I didn't want my cousin to look bad if something goes down. Anyway, my cousin just gave me an earful when Tone got fired. I was clueless up until that point. Not to mention, he was supposed to pay this month's rent before he left since he promised to pay, and when I got up this morning, that nigga was gone and he left his room in a mess with shit, there was clothes and crap everywhere."

"Oh no, I am so sorry, Jonathan. I knew nothing about this."

"I figured," Jonathan said. "Well, he's your problem now."

"Wait, what did you say?" I asked.

"Man, never mind, anyway, Tawana is happy he moved out because she wants to move in and she never really liked him. She says he's an asshole." He started to laugh.

"Come on, Jonathan, be serious. Toni is sleeping, but I'm a little lost on everything. I'll have him call you, and I hope this was just an oversight."

"Yeah, an oversight," Jonathan repeated with sarcasm in his voice.

I was starting to get upset, but was I more upset with Jonathan or Antonio? "Okay, Jonathan, thanks for the update. I'll tell Toni to hit you up."

As I hung up the phone, all kinds of thoughts went running through my head. First, Toni said he quit, then he told me he gave Jonathan most of his clothes (which I guess leaving clothes in his home must mean he gave them to him), and now he skipped out on paying Jonathan rent like he promised. Should I say something to Toni when he woke up? Naturally I would tell him I spoke to Jonathan and he needed to call him. Maybe he would come clean on everything.

Moments later, I heard Toni walking down the stairs.

"Hey, babe," he called.

"I'm in the kitchen," I yelled back.

He came towards me and gave me a big kiss and said good morning.

"Hey, Mr. No-brush-your-teeth, good morning," I jokingly said.

"I haven't had breakfast yet, so I don't brush my teeth until I eat," he said.

"Really?" I said with a confused look on my face.

"It's cool. What's for breakfast?"

"I just had some cereal."

"You ate already?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I try to eat as soon as I get up, after I brush my teeth, of course," I said with a smirk on my face. "Besides, it's almost nine a.m. and I usually can't wait to break the fast. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and I can't survive without it first thing in the morning. Hey, I spoke to Jonathan this morning, and we caught up since he has been calling me for a minute now."

"Oh really? What's up with him?"

I didn't want to be in his business so instead of saying you tell me, I just said, "He asked for you to call him because he wanted to talk?" and I left it like that.

The day went on and I noticed Toni never called Jonathan; he never even called anyone. He was excited to be in New Jersey as we drove around the city and did some sightseeing. I still had Jonathan's words in the back of my head, but I didn't say anything. We stopped at my favorite soul food restaurant in Jersey and just talked. I asked Toni what his plan was, figuring he would say he would start job hunting right away.

But he said, "Man, I figure I would check out New York and see what's up. I only have, like, a few hundred on me."

"A few hundred what?" I repeated.

"I only have like a few hundred dollars left on me until I find a job. You know I had to pay Jonathan rent and my half of the bills before I left."

Wait, did he just lie to me right to my face with a straight face? I started to freak out and excused myself from the table. My thoughts got the best of me as I ran into the stall and began to cry. My mortgage alone is $1100 a month, not including utilities. After a few minutes I got myself together and made it back to the table. _I can do this,_ I thought, trying to psych myself up.

"Okay, so only a few hundred, so what is your plan on work?" I kindly asked.

"I need to update my résumé and figure I can use those online job searches to help me with my search, but let's not talk about this over lunch. We'll figure it out in due time."

I just said okay and Toni reached for the bill to cover the check. I insisted on paying it since I knew he only had a few hundred to his name.

We enjoyed the rest of the day and I just relaxed and didn't think of anything else since the damage was done and _it would all be fine_ —Toni kept on repeating that to me throughout the day every time I asked about a plan. I was a natural planner, so naturally having a game plan was second nature to me since I didn't usually wing anything.

After a full day of sightseeing in New Jersey and really enjoying our time together, we finally made it home and I offered to cook dinner. I took out some chicken and was planning on cooking baked chicken, mashed potatoes and veggie. This was my dinner of choice, so I figured Toni shouldn't have a problem with it since he often asked me what I was eating for dinner via phone and my reply was often the same (baked chicken, mashed potatoes and veggie).

Just like lunch, dinner went great. We laughed, talked and just enjoyed our time together. I felt at ease and believed this would all work out. We started kissing and then this led to touching, which was a first for us. Toni was so nice and gentle and kept asking me if I was ready. Despite what Jonathan told me and what was in my mind, I went with my heart and made love for the first time with Toni.

I know both Toni and I were nervous, but what started downstairs in front of the TV made its way upstairs. Our passion was strong and felt so good. He kissed every part of my body and had my body wanting him more and more. I was ready and asked Toni to keep on going as he made his way down and began giving me oral sex; this drove my body crazy. My body was shaking and I wanted him inside of me and this was just what he did. But it lasted all of two minutes. I was shocked and disappointed because he spoke for months about how his sex drive was higher than mine and he knew he was a great lover. I figured since it was our first time and our passion might have gotten the best of him, I excused the shortness for the moment and figured it would be better the next time. Needless to say, we cuddled for about ten minutes; then I got out of bed and went to the bathroom to clean up. I also went downstairs to make sure everything was locked up.

Moments later, I made my way back to bed, but Toni looked like he was ready for round two. I was down for this since I figured he might want to make up for the short cumming about twenty minutes ago.

I had a robe on, so Toni just pulled off the robe and walked me back to bed. He again kissed me all over and made his way back down between my legs. He was pretty good at oral sex as my body moved to the rhythm of his tongue. He also must have found my happy drawer and pulled out my neon pink dildo. I thought he would be mad, but he wasn't. He asked me to use it on myself and he masturbated to me masturbating. This was a totally different experience for me, but I enjoyed it. I had never used my dildo so openly in front of any guy. I had only used it in private when I needed to.

Needless to say, round two was much more enjoyable, maybe because I pleasured myself; then Toni joined me and replaced my dildo with his penis and we made love. When he was ready to cum, he pulled out and inserted my dildo and this continued for almost an hour. I was in love. However, I only felt the most pleasure with the dildo instead of his penis, but this was because my dildo vibrated and was at least a quarter inch thicker and at least two inches longer than his penis. I wished I was able to enjoy his manhood without the help of my dildo, but in the end, we both got what we wanted from the experience. I never had a full orgasm, but the intense moments were just as good.

We cuddled and then I got up and cleaned up, and he asked, "Why do you always get up?"

I shrugged my shoulders and said, "I don't know. I just do."

He then got up with me and joined me in the bathroom.

We both laughed as we helped each other clean up and then both went back to bed to enjoy a good night's sleep. Our time together was cut short because I got called into work and had to be in at 7:30 a.m., so we just held each other and went to sleep.

The next morning, I followed my regular schedule and quickly got myself together, and when I was on my way downstairs, Toni asked me where I was going. I figured he was still half asleep and told him to go back to bed, as I was just going to work but would call him later.

I made it to work and had a satisfied smile on my face the whole time. My babe was home in my home. I was sexually satisfied and was feeling pretty good about this relationship.

## **  
**

##  ******$150 Only Lasted a Week...**

"Hey, baby, I'm at work and I may be home a little later than usual since this is our last week of shooting."

"Good, I can't wait until this movie is over and you can finally sleep in with me," Toni said, as he lay in bed at 9:30 a.m.

"Well, once this gig is over, I'll need to find the next one. We got bills to pay," I said in a strong tone.

"I know, babe, and I understand. I hope I find something soon so you don't have to work so hard."

"Well, I'll still probably work the same when you finally find a job. Two solid incomes will be great. Besides, we can start a savings since my savings is almost tapped."

"I made a few calls, as some friends owe me some money, and I'm hoping they pay me back soon."

This was not what I needed to hear; I needed to hear him go after finding a job and doing something with his day instead of driving around New Jersey and New York sightseeing and calling me when he sees something cool.

"Babe, I got to go."

"Alright, babe, have a great day, love you."

"Love you too."

I hung up the phone and didn't really know how to feel. Toni had been at the house for over a month and still no work. He ran through the money he came down with in, like, a week. He only had around $300, but I ended up finding out he used over $150 on gas and food on his drive from Atlanta to New Jersey. So $150 only lasted a week after he got to town as he tried to get settled, which really turned out to be sightseeing with the last $100 he had to his name. He had no credit or checking account, which I later learned over the last month. He said he didn't like the government in his business, so he liked to keep his money the old-fashioned way in a mattress. I never had the best upbringing when it came to money, but I learned and taught myself to be responsible with credit and used it to my advantage, not like Toni, who saw it as a crutch.

After a long day at work, I managed to get home at 10:30 p.m. Toni had dinner made, but I sadly declined because I didn't like eating that late. Besides, they gave us dinner at work, so I was still pretty full. I made my way upstairs to shower and get ready for bed as I opened the mail while walking upstairs and saw a Comcast bill that was almost triple the normal amount. I was confused since I was never really home and didn't really watch TV, so I assumed it was the Internet usage, maybe from Toni looking for work, but then I realized I had unlimited Internet, so I checked the phone bill and saw no additional calls. Then I turned the page to the back of the cable bill and saw a bunch of charges for a ton of X-rated movies. I figured this must be a mistake, so I said nothing about it and planned on calling Comcast the next day.

Toni made his way upstairs to check on me. I told him I was about to jump in the shower but got held up looking at this Comcast bill, as it was almost three times more than usual. I was interested in what Toni would say.

"I'm so sorry, babe, I will totally pay the bill," Toni said.

"Wait, you watched over ten X-rated shows in like two weeks?" I said in confusion. "That's like one show every day Monday to Friday for two weeks." I was pissed. "Babe, it's ten dollars per movie," I said, trying to calm down.

"I know, man, I get bored and I have a problem."

"What problem?" I asked.

"I have an addiction to porn and got tempted to watch and couldn't stop."

I snapped and just went off. "What are you talking about? What addiction? You never said anything about this before. You don't even have a job to pay the bill. What is really going on?"

This began our first fight.

"I said I would pay the bill."

"How?" I yelled. "You have no job. I'm the one who has to pay this bill. I work hard as hell and you just stay at home and watch pornos all day or go sightseeing and burn gas instead of looking for a job."

"Oh, oh, finally you say something. I've been waiting for you to say something. I have been trying to find a job, and the bullshit jobs I get ain't worth my time. It's hard to find a job here."

"Well, you need to be qualified for something in order to get a job. You had a call center type job with no college education back in Atlanta, so what do you think you will get in New Jersey?" I blurted out, and as good as it felt, I felt so bad to say it. I knew Toni didn't finish college and I knew he was working a basic job and had no career when I met him, but I tried to look past all of that and not judge him like I was better than him because I had a career, a college degree and credit.

I clearly hit a nerve as Toni yelled back at me, "So you think you're better than me? You work all the time and have no life after your career. Wow, what a life."

"I have been up front about who I am, and you knew I worked a lot, big deal. Don't act surprised because I work. Besides, I need to work to take care of o-u-r daily living," I interrupted him. I knew this fight was going nowhere, so I walked away and went into the bathroom. I jumped into the shower and just stood under the water and I began to cry. I was so lost and confused. He was like a different guy and I felt so torn on what to do. He'd been here for over a month and I never once saw him pray, yet when we were apart, he said he "prayed for me every night." I was starting to believe all that Jonathan had once said about him, despite what I thought about him over our long-distance relationship. He lost his job in Atlanta, but he didn't think I knew this. "What can I do?" I said out loud as I cried in the shower.

When I got out of the shower, I figured I just needed to confront this issue and see where it went. When I got out, I was ready for battle, but Toni had candles lit all over the room and apologized over and over again and promised to do better. He unwrapped my robe and walked me over to the bed. We naturally made love under the candles, and of course, my dildo was again involved in our lovemaking, but at this point I was so used to it because Toni used it every time on me with or without him involved. It felt so good and, honestly, I really needed it to even get off now. He kissed my body all over and then fingered me as he kissed my nipples and then he stroked his penis with his other hand, and then I had a vision of him masturbating to a ten-dollar porno and I began to laugh. I tried to play it off by faking a sexual moan as he moved the vibration of the dildo in and out of my vagina. I was slowly losing respect for Toni's manhood since it wasn't pulling its weight around the bedroom, and Toni wasn't pulling his weight around the house. After fifteen minutes of him apologizing during our lovemaking, it was over, and like clockwork, I got up and cleaned up in the bathroom. And then we went to bed.

The next morning I went off to work and Toni was still in bed. I was also used to this as he never woke up until at least 9:30 or 10:00 a.m. because he would text me when he got up and tell me to have a good day at work.

I didn't even reply back, but when I looked down at my phone, I noticed another text. This one from David, texting: "Hello, what's good, homey?" I smiled at David's text but kept my day moving without replying to either of the texts.

By the afternoon, no word from David or Toni, so I didn't think about it. My phone rang and I assumed it was Toni, but it wasn't his number.

Ring, ring.

"Hello, this is JR."

"Hey, Jamie, this is Johnny J. How have you been?"

"Hey, Johnny, I'm good, how are you?"

"I'm fine. How is New Jersey, or did you miss Atlanta so much that you moved back?"

"Sorry, Johnny, I'm still in New Jersey and it's cool. What's up?"

"I have a show in Atlanta on the 20th and I can't find anyone to work it."

"What happened to Renee? The last show I worked she was in the office, I was for sure positive as my replacement."

"You was happy, but I wasn't. She is not you. Look, JR, we've worked together for over two years now, and I have a lot of shows this year and it would be cool if you could help me out."

"Look, Johnny, I would love to, but..."

"You will get your same base pay, but we would provide transportation and food."

_Damn, this is sweet. Working with Johnny is a piece of cake. It's easy work and I get a free trip back to the A and can hang with some friends._ Besides, the break from Toni was well overdue.

"Johnny, it would be great working with you."

"So does this mean we have a deal?" Johnny said in a hopeful tone.

"Yes, Johnny, we have a deal under one condition."

"Oh, god."

"No, Johnny, it's not bad. I'm just asking for at least a month's heads-up on each event, and I request buying my own ticket and expecting reimbursement within three business days after I purchase the ticket. Don't worry, I won't upgrade myself to first class; it will still be an affordable ticket, just on the days and times conducive to my schedule.

"Oh, beat. JR, you have a deal. Helen will call you in a couple of days to go over everything with you."

"Okay, Johnny, I'll see you in a couple of weeks."

As I hung up the phone, I began to laugh at the thought of working with Johnny J. He thought he was such a pimp. His ass couldn't find no one to replace me because he was an old man that tried to hit on his staff of all girls. He liked me because that shit didn't fly with me. Besides, rumor had it the last manager he worked with before me was filing sexual harassment on his ass. Poor Johnny, anyway, at least I was guaranteed a trip to Atlanta at least a few times a year. This gig was up in two weeks and Toni had been getting on my nerves. Speaking of Toni, I guessed I should call him to tell him about the job, since I would be leaving in like three weeks. This way, when this gig was up, I would have a week before I left for Atlanta. Since Toni wanted me to take a break between gigs this would make him happy, but I was guessing this wouldn't be a relaxing break.

## **  
**

##  ******I Understand, Daddy...**

"Hey, Daddy, how are you feeling?"

"Hey, Jay, thanks for calling your father," my father jokingly said. But to be honest, he was right. My father was the reason I moved back East, and ever since he walked out of the hospice, I really hadn't been visiting him or calling him very much. I had been so busy focusing on me and my crazy life.

I loved my father dearly and I didn't really have an excuse for why I hadn't connected much with him ever since he got out. The doctors said it was a miracle, because my family and I were planning his funeral, and after two weeks in the hospice, my father just walked right out and was healthier than ever.

"I know, Daddy, I've been so busy with work and trying to get settled and everything. I was calling to see if you wanted to go to brunch this weekend."

"That sounds great. Maybe we can go after I get out of church," my dad said, and this statement threw me off. My mom had dragged my sister and me to church for many years, but my dad never joined us. He was always too busy with work and stuff.

"That's great, Daddy. What church are you going to now?" I asked.

"I go to church with your cousin."

"Oh, okay, well, brunch would be nice, my treat," I added in an upbeat tone.

"Okay, Jay. Thanks, anyway, I have to run, that is my other line, so I'll call you later."

"Okay, Daddy, talk to you later."

My dad had been calling me Jay ever since I was little. I thought it was because he wanted a boy and I was a daddy's girl and a big tomboy for a very long time. I used to go to work with my dad and I learned a lot as I shadowed my dad in whatever adventure he was doing for this season. My dad did it all: he worked as a carpenter, he sold coffee, Christmas trees; you name it, he did it. My dad hustled and I loved him for this. This is why my mom and everyone else said I was like my father, because I totally got my work ethic from my dad, which was a blessing and a curse. My dad worked so much that he missed so much of my childhood. He never came to any of my school plays, sporting events or any family functions. However, no matter what day of the week it was, I was still my daddy's girl and would move a mountain for him. Hence, the reason why I picked up my life and moved back to be closer to him.

However, as close as I thought I was to my dad, I considered myself a private person, so my dad knew very little about my life. He knew I worked very hard (I got this from him) and he knew I'd just bought a house, and that was about it. I was sad to admit my dad didn't really know about Toni or any other guys in my past life. My mom knew about Toni, and since my parents were cordial with one another, my mom sometimes kept my dad in the loop about all of us.

***

"Hey, how was work?" Toni asked as he watched TV.

"It was good," I said as I plopped down on the couch next to him.

"I hate you have to work so hard," he said.

I didn't even want to reply, it took Toni over a month to finally find a job. However, he felt like he was too good for the job and hated it and the people he worked with. I wished I could feel his pain, but he wasn't looking for new work, so I didn't think he could complain unless he was actually looking for something else since he said he was so unhappy.

"Well, once this gig is over; then it's a dead season for work, so I may pick up a tax job."

"Tax job?" he repeated.

"Yeah, it's what I call a nine-to-five job. A job that takes out taxes and stuff," I said, referring to my freelance gigs, which paid but no taxes were being taken out, so I paid my taxes out of pocket every tax year. "A tax job helps me not pay so much taxes when tax season comes around. Since it's slow during the winter and I hate working in the cold, I find a tax job in retail or something. I figure I'll start hitting up the malls and see what I can find," I said as I made my way into the kitchen to see what was for dinner.

"I like that, tax job," he repeated again.

"I've worked for Macy's for the past three seasons in Atlanta as a customer service manager. I'm hoping I can get the same seasonal gig in New Jersey now."

"That's what's up?" Toni replied.

_Is this all he can say? At least I have a plan, unlike himself_ , I thought to myself as I opened the fridge and saw a box of pizza.

"Did you have dinner yet?" I asked as I began to open the box of pizza.

"Yeah, I ordered a pizza since I figured you would be home late."

When I opened the box and saw only one slice left, I just froze up and totally lost my appetite and just closed the fridge and began walking upstairs. I couldn't believe he ate a whole box of pizza by himself and left one slice, one slice, I kept repeating to myself as I made my way to the shower to call it a night.

I got out of the shower and I guess Toni must have known I was upset as I walked into the bedroom to see the lights were dim and a few scented candles were burning. I knew what he wanted and I wasn't in the mood. He stopped me just as the microwave bell popped and he asked me to stay right here. I began drying my skin and started to throw on a sleep shirt to let him know he would not be getting any tonight, and moments later Toni came upstairs with a serving tray with the slice of pizza and a side salad.

"I knew you was tired, so I made you dinner," he said, looking pitiful. The gesture was nice, but warming one slice of pizza and opening a bag of salad and placing it on a plate was not really dinner, but A for effort as I thanked him and took a bite of the pizza. I usually hated eating this late because I wasn't active at night, so I didn't like eating and going to bed.

"I knew it was late and you don't eat this late," Toni said, as if he was reading my mind, "but you need to eat something."

"I understand and thank you." I took a bite of my salad. Since I wasn't in the mood for sex, I tried to have a decent conversation with Toni about our future.

"So, are you happy?" I just blurted out.

"I'm happy to be with you," he said.

"Thanks for that answer, but that doesn't really answer my question. Are you truly happy with everything? Your life, your career, you know, your past and present. Do you think about your future? What do you have in store for you, for me, for us?" I said in a very serene tone.

"I guess I never thought about all of that. What do you have planned for your life?"

I hated when he asked me my opinion about a topic I asked his opinion on first, but I just went along with the conversation. "My plan may be different than yours, but I want to stay on this path with my career. I sometimes feel like I started over with my career after my move, but I'm staying positive and focusing on the bigger picture. I want to someday go back to school to get my master's in education so I can teach TV production. I want to get a new car and, of course, travel. I love to travel and want my passport to be stamped up," I said as I began to laugh.

"Oh, and I want to reestablish my savings." _Since I can't save very much because I'm still paying most of the bills, which have almost doubled since Toni and I started living with each other; food is almost tripled_ , I thought to myself.

"Wow, you have thought about a lot of things," Toni said, sounding shocked about my plans for my own life. "Your plans didn't include me."

At first I was confused, but then I felt bad. He was right, my plans were just based on myself and not us. "I guess I never thought about it. My plan for my life has always been the same. I guess I figured my boyfriend, man or other half would have his own plans for his future."

"My future plans include you."

I was a little lost because he never told me his plans, nor did I think he actually had any. "So tell me your plans."

"I know I don't talk about my plans, but I do have plans for our lives. I know a lot has changed, but I'm working on something big, and it is going to change our lives, I promise," he said with confidence.

This made me nervous, but I had to trust him. I was an up-front go-getter and maybe he was a silent go-getter.

As I was deep in my thoughts, I didn't even notice Toni going into the nightstand and pulling out my neon pink dildo. It was too late, by the time I could even say anything, he'd licked his finger and inserted it directly into me, and of course, like clockwork, I was wet within seconds. He leaned over to kiss me passionately and whispered in my ear, "I love you and I will take care of everything."

Those words and the dildo he inserted inside me comforted me as I lay back and he began kissing my inner thigh as he moved the dildo in and out of me. I grabbed the sheets in the moment of pleasure and was in another world. After about five minutes of pleasure he pulled the dildo out and inserted his manhood inside of me. I had to admit I was a little sad because his manhood was not only two inches shorter than my dildo, but it was also thinner as well, so naturally I felt the difference right away, but I enjoyed the ride as he grabbed my waist and thrust his manhood deep inside to make up for the difference in length. Sex was intense, we both knew this. I didn't know if it was my pent-up frustration or what, but I was almost addicted to him helping me masturbate with my dildo almost every night. I opened my eyes and just smiled. Within moments we were both sweating and I got up and took another shower. I couldn't help but think of the words he whispered in my ear right before we made love and I told myself, "It will be all right."

***

"Hey, Daddy," I said as my dad walked into the diner, fashionably late, of course. My dad was a sharp dresser as he walked in with bright red pants, black snakeskin belt with matching shoes, and a red, black and white polyester shirt. If my family wasn't from Trinidad and Tobago, one would think my dad was a pimp. But West Indian men liked to dress and stay sharp, and my dad was no different.

"Excuse me," I said, commenting on his outfit. "If I would have known you was stepping out today, I would have worn my Sunday best as well. How was church?"

"It was nice. You should join me one of these days."

"I would love to," I said, as I felt honored to have my dad invite me to church even though I had to admit to myself I hadn't attended church in months ever since I moved back East.

"How is the new place?" my dad asked.

"It's cool. I like New Jersey but miss New York sometimes. Anyway, how is everything? How are you feeling?"

"Everything is good, I feel great. I know I scared everyone, but God spared me for a reason. I had to be around to see you girls grow up," he said as he elbowed me on the arm. "I have to walk my girls down the aisle and play with my grandkids."

Marriage, grandkids... I almost passed out when my dad said this. I'd never seen myself as the married type nor the type to have kids. I had said since high school I never wanted kids. I wanted to be a working woman who traveled the world with this fabulous lifestyle.

"Wow, Daddy. I never really thought about all of that."

"You and your sister (speaking about my older sister, Jenifer) are out of college and working now and I am very proud. I know you guys should be settling down soon and I wanted to be around for it."

_Again with the settling-down thing, is he trying to tell me something?_ I started to get a little antsy in my chair.

"I know your mother told me you met a new guy and he moved all the way from Atlanta to be with you in New Jersey. That's great, Jay. I know you're a private person, but you're growing up and sometimes you have to see the signs and just go for it."

"Go for what?" I said with a little bit of an attitude.

My dad laughed and said, "I know you're all about work, but don't be like me. I worked my whole life to make sure my kids could have the finer things in life and I almost lost everything and had nothing to show for it. I almost died nine months ago and realized I missed a lot in my kids' lives. I now want to enjoy the life the lord has blessed me with without regrets and I want you to do the same."

"I understand, Daddy," was all I could say to what he was saying. I'd heard this all before, but somehow it was different coming from my dad, and after all he had been through, I did understand what he was saying. We enjoyed our lunch, and my dad and I continued to talk. It was a great conversation and I couldn't remember the last time my dad sat me down and just spoke to me.

## **  
**

##  ******Damn, I Can't Wait...**

"Hey, David, what's up?"

"Nothing, nig, what's up with you?"

"Nothing, I got your text the other day, but I figured I'd call to let you know I'll be in town in a few weeks."

"Oh really, JR, you coming by yourself? How long are you going to be in town?"

"I'll be working a show at the Civic Center. It's only a one-day gig, but I'm planning my trip for at least three to four days so I can hang with a few friends."

"Well, thanks for the call, it would be good to catch up, maybe grab dinner or a drink. Man, I can't wait to see you. When do you get in? I'm looking at the calendar now and I'm about to write you in."

His excitement made me smile. "I'll probably get in on the 10th and stay until the 13th."

"Damn, I'm on daddy day care that weekend with Donte, but my mom can probably watch him for the night so we can chill."

"Cool, thanks for making time. I feel so special, I get penciled in, you probably would have impressed me better if I got written in with a pen," I playfully said.

"Funny, JR. Look, I'm supposed to pick up Donte on Friday the 10th. What time do you get in?"

Before I could even answer, he asked me another question.

"I have to pick him up after school; maybe I can take him to my mother's house. She'll be happy to spend some time with her grandson. That is if you're free that day, or should I say, if you can get free that day."

"I can see what I can do. My show is on Saturday, so I should be free on Friday night."

"Alright then, it's a date, I hope. I'll hit you up later. Try to get back to me about Friday so I can talk to my mom 'bout it."

"How is your mother doing, anyway?"

"She's good."

"Tell her I said hi," I said with the biggest grin on my face. "Alright, David. I'll talk to you later."

"Alright, JR. Talk to you later." He hung up the phone

I couldn't help but smile as I closed my cell phone. Damn, I couldn't wait to see David. David was just a good friend and I enjoyed his company. We talked about a lot of stuff. Yes, we flirted a little, but been there, done that, and I think we understood we were just not able to take it to the next step because of our differences.

I felt bad because David was very stable. He graduated from college, he had a thriving career, he was working on getting a home, and he drove a very nice car. I wasn't big on cars and flashy things like that, but David had a pretty good balance and we made the best couple (fashion wise). If I didn't know better, I would say he was gay because he cared so much about fashion. We would coordinate our outfits when we went out, and went shopping together. I felt I had to step up my style when I was around him because when we stepped out, everyone took notice. It was kind of cool and I missed that because Toni was so relaxed and never dressed up for anything. His body shape was built like a retired football player, so he was short and stocky, and he had a hard time finding clothes to fit him right and would never alter anything to fit him (which I hated). He thought it was a waste of money to alter clothes, which didn't make sense because I had to alter almost everything I bought because of my shape and my height.

Toni didn't have the best job, but it was better than nothing. He was working at another call center for a very large credit card company. His pay was pretty good and he was making more than what he made in Atlanta. I thought this was a step in the right direction, but after one week at this job, Toni finally said he hated it. He said he might quit because he was working with idiots. I didn't know what to say, but I told him to hang in there until he found something else. He agreed and I told him I was leaving for Atlanta in a few days and we could talk when I got back.

***

Toni dropped me off at the airport and we said our good-byes, and I was very excited to get on the plane because I was still very confused on what was going on with Toni and my relationship. It had been almost two months and the only thing we agreed on was our lovemaking after we got into it, when he often apologized during sex for doing something stupid. I was hanging in there because, again, I thought he got fired because of me, so I was open to making this work and trying to stay positive.

I exited the car at the airport and Toni grabbed my hand and promised when I got back everything would be clear. I was lost and asked what he meant by that.

"Just trust me, I've been doing a lot of thinking and I understand what I need to do and I'm doing it all for you," he said.

"Wait, what does that mean?" I kept asking.

He just said it would all make sense when I got back, that I would be pleased.

My mind was all over the place as I exited the car, but I felt he might be expecting a better job offer or something, setting us up for success since I didn't have another gig lined up when I returned. With very little savings, I trusted he would figure something out since we needed a boost in our finances. I was out of savings and his first two checks went to playing catch-up with his car note, cell phone and other bills. He did pay the cable, Internet and home phone bill, which was around $100 a month, and the gas bill which was around $50 a month, but I still paid the mortgage and the electricity, which was still over $1300 a month plus my own personal bills.

## **  
**

##  ******Dinner and Talking...**

I texted David before I picked up the rent-a-car to make sure we were still on for tonight.

"Hey, my plane just landed. We still on for tonight?" I texted, knowing the answer already.

"Hey, nig. Of course we still on. You renting a rent-a-car, or do you want me to pick you up?"

As tempting as his offer was, I knew better, so I already had my rent-a-car reserved.

"No, I'm good, picking up the rent-a-car now."

"Okay, you picking up the Benz or the BMW?" David jokingly said.

"You stupid, I'm getting a regular car."

"A'right, you can meet me at my house. Then we can take my car. I know how you hate to feel trapped. We have reservations at eight. Then we will head over to Leopard Lounge and have drinks and stuff. Cool???"

"Cool, well, I just got the rent-a-car. I still have to go to Ang's house then get dressed and it's already 5. I'm going to apologize now if I'm a little late." I usually don't like having a full conversation via text and David knew this, but after six months of texting Toni, I totally got used to it and became a very fast texter.

"No, no, no. You better not be late. I can't wait to see you. My mind is set to see you around 7–7:30. I will lose it if you come any later than that."

"You are so full of shit. I'll see what I can do. However, this cute guy keeps texting me and he won't let me go."

"You're damn right I'm not going to let you go. I made that mistake once already."

Why did David have to go and text that? He makes hanging out with him so awkward sometimes. I clearly didn't know what to say after that text and I guess neither did he, since there was a moment when no one texted.

"Alright, man, see you soon."

"K." Thank goodness he said holla because what was I supposed to say after a statement like that.

On the twenty-minute drive to Angela's house, my mind started wandering on the good and bad times me and David had.

How could I forget those last two years had had their ups and downs? We were never officially ever together, but we did things like a couple: date night, celebrations, holidays; I even had dinner a few times with his mother and son. I think everyone wished it would work out between David and me, even David and me, but it just wasn't right. We both occasionally dated other people without saying it, as we often took small breaks for a few months and we both knew why. He might have found someone new or vice versa, and we never asked about it, we would just check in on one another after a few months and pick up right where we left off. I felt my move to New Jersey threw off this rotation and maybe was why we missed each other so much.

If I had my ideal guy, David would be it. He had everything I was looking for, besides the kid and the baby-mama drama. I didn't mind the kid after a while, but David wanted more kids and I never did. He liked my hustle at times, but I think in the end he wanted a stay-at-home wife who took care of the house and the kids, and that just wasn't me. I wanted to travel the world with the man I loved, with no kids. He always asked would I change my mind for the right man, and he may have been that right man, but I wasn't ready to admit my life plans would change for him. I liked what we had, but did he like what we had?

## **  
**

##  ******You Want to Talk About It...**

"Hey, babe. I'm here and just got my rent-a-car. I'm heading to Angela's apartment now and then we have plans for dinner and drinks. So I can't really stay long." I felt bad lying, but I had to get off the phone before I made it to Ang's apartment so I had time to chat and then get dressed for dinner.

"How was your flight?" Toni asked before allowing me to get off the phone.

"Oh, it was great. I slept most of the way."

"I never know how you can sleep on a flight," he said.

"I can also sleep on trains and cars, maybe it's the motion, but I sometimes get the best sleep on a plane, train or car," I said jokingly but was actually being serious.

"Anyway, drive safe. Are you meeting up with Jonathan while you're in town?"

"I don't have plans, but I'll hit him up to say hello and see what's up with him. Have you spoken to him lately?" I asked, not telling Toni I knew he had been avoiding Jonathan's calls, but Jonathan said that was just him and he would let it go if Toni ever called him, and he wished him luck.

"Oh, I need to hit him up, it's been a while," Toni said.

"I know you're off, but do you have any other plans over the weekend?"

"Not really, I may take a ride to New York and just hang out downtown and play a tourist for the day."

"Sounds like fun," I said sarcastically. "I'm kidding, have fun, and I'll chat with you tomorrow."

"Good night, love you."

"Ditto," I said, which was funny to say because neither one of us had said ditto since he moved to New Jersey. Actually, our whole communication had changed since the move. We barely spoke and all of the kind words and texts he used to send had gone bye-bye. I sometimes wished we could go back to the long-distance relationship because I missed the passion we used to have for each other. I missed the long nights talking, but I guess the new reality was we lived with each other now and we were trying to make it work.

I pulled up to Angela's new apartment. I liked the old apartment better, as it was in a gated community and located in a much nicer part of town, but, "Oh well," I said to myself as I found parking in her open garage and called Angela to let her know I was outside.

"Hey, girl," I said to Angela. "I'm here, I just found parking."

"Good, I'll meet you outside so I can let you in the building door."

"Let me in?" I said with a confused tone.

"This new place has a security door downstairs, but it's hooked up to Tammy's phone, so I have to manually open it to let you in. I'll give you the door badge so I don't have to open the door while you're out and about," Angela replied.

"Thanks, this will be very helpful. How is Tammy?" I said, referring to Angela's roommate, as I saw Angela walking down the stairs to open the main gate so I can enter the building.

"Hey, girl, she's good. Our schedules are on different times, so we really don't see each other much," she said as I hung up the phone. She opened the main gate door to the building and I leaned in to give Angela a hug.

"I missed you."

"I missed you too. How is Toni and New Jersey treating you?" Angela asked.

I sadly lied and said, "Man, everything is great." I didn't dare tell Angela things were different now that Toni moved in. She might still be a little upset I didn't tell her Toni moved to New Jersey until like two weeks after he moved, and only because she heard him in the background when we were speaking on the phone. I just told her I would call her back because I would have felt bad if Toni knew I didn't tell Angela. Like always, Angela was my best friend, so she supported my decisions, but I could totally hear it in her voice as her whole tone changed when I told her how it all happened.

"So girl," Angela said, snapping me out of my daze, "what you got planned for the night?"

"Nothing much, same oh same oh; going to see a few friends and see how everyone is doing," I said. Not really lying, as David was a friend and I was going to catch up with my friend to see how things were going.

"Anyway," Angela said, "I have to run to work soon, but here's the key and the badge to get in the apartment door. I won't be off work until like four a.m. Gotta love working overnight," Angela jokingly said.

"I know the feeling, girl. Alright, girl, thanks and I'll see you later. I have to work tomorrow afternoon, but maybe we can do breakfast tomorrow before I go to work."

"That will work," Angela said and then she quickly left the house.

I pulled out my outfit for my dinner with David. I figured I could dress low key, as no need to dress up, but I knew David and he always dressed for everything, so I quickly pulled out another outfit. "This is much better," I said to myself as I pulled out a pair of Baby Phat jeans, a hot pink off-the-shoulders shirt and some matching wedges.

I called David to let him know I was on my way.

"Hey, David. I'm leaving Angela's house now and hopefully I'll beat this lovely Atlanta traffic and be at your home in thirty minutes."

"Alright, cool. I just dropped Donte off at my mom's. She said hello, by the way, and will be home around the same time. Do you remember my address?" David asked.

I had to laugh because we'd been on again off again for over two years and he never moved, so I knew exactly where he lived and even knew the back way to his home. "Lol, I remember unless you moved out and bought that home you've been talking about."

"Man, we all can't be like you with two homes," he said.

"There you go again. Anyway, how is your mom?"

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding. You know I'm waiting for that special someone to move out of this apartment and invest in a home."

There was an awkward pause; then David continued, "Mom is good, she's always asking about you and I had to tell her you moved to New Jersey and she may not see you around anymore."

"Now I feel bad, I'll be in town a few times a year, so maybe I can pop over to say hi to your mom next time. Anyway, how is the search going for this new lady?" I quickly said in a joking way.

"Man, you know the streets are rough and I can't find any SBF (single black females) anyway."

"That sucks. I can be your wing woman tonight and help you find someone."

"Thanks, nig, you always got my back."

"That's what friends are for. Anyway, let me go and charge my cell. I'll see you in a few."

"Alright, holla," David said.

_I love it when he says New York slang in his cute Southern accent_ , I thought to myself. Within fifteen minutes I made it to his apartment, luckily managing not to hit any traffic. I notice David's Acura was parked outside, so I guess he beat me to his home. I slowly walked up the stairs, but everyone could hear me coming as my wedges hit the wooden stairs. Before I could even make it to the top, David opened the door.

"Whad up?" David said in a very excited voice as he hugged me.

"Hey, man," I replied as I hugged him back.

"Man, it's been a minute and you still look the same."

"Thanks, I guess."

"Man, you know what I mean, you look good. Come in, come in," he said as I entered his familiar apartment.

Not much had changed, as the apartment looked exactly the same, including the open laptop on the dining room table.

"We still have like thirty minutes before our reservation. I didn't know if you would be stuck in traffic coming from Buckhead."

"Well, Angela moved and now lives off Northside Drive."

"Northside and what?" David asked in a sarcastic tone.

"I know, I know. She's like a few blocks from the Georgia Dome, in those new apartments."

"How she liking it?"

"Well, Angela is like me, so she works all the time and only goes home to sleep, take a shower and change," I joked.

"Funny, when you said she was like you, I thought you meant moving to a new place and breaking the hearts of dudes who like her," David said, but this time in a serious tone.

I quickly changed the subject and asked, "How's life? How's the kid?"

"Man, he is good, can't complain. Same ole craziness with his mom, but man, it's all good. I'm good, man, I'm good."

That was good to hear, but I knew it could get really bad between them, and I always felt bad because she would use their son as a paycheck, and David was a good guy and tried his best to do right by both of them. He attended all of his basketball games, bought him all kinds of stuff, and his mother would send him to his dad's house with no clothes so David was forced to buy his own son new clothes for the time he was staying with him. Until finally he started buying new clothes and leaving them at his apartment. It just didn't make sense, and I was out of that craziness, but I always felt bad because Donte was a smart kid and knew what was up.

"Glad to hear everything is going well," I tried to say, not trying to make him feel bad.

"Anyway, how is New York, no, excuse me, New Joe-sey," he said, trying to have an up-north accent.

I gave him the "never do that again" look and we both just started laughing.

"Man, everything is good. Can't complain. Same ole stuff, but it's all good." I gave David the same response he gave me, and I could tell he knew what it meant.

"You want to talk about it?" he asked.

I played dumb. "Talk about what?" I tried to sound confused.

He gave me the "come on" look. It was scary, David and I were so much alike and we could read each other like a book.

"Anyway, you know I'm here for you if you ever want to talk," he said as he got up from the couch and went back in his room.

"Thanks... you good," I yelled to him since he just left me in the living room.

He came out like twenty seconds later. "Sorry, I'm good, I just wanted to grab my watch before I forget so we can get ready to go."

"I totally forgot about dinner."

"You forgetting about food? Ha."

"I'm done with you. Look, I be telling people don't mess with a skinny girl who is hungry. It's dangerous."

Like a gentleman, David held my hand as we walked down his apartment stairs and, of course, opened the passenger door for me before opening his own door.

"You ready?" he asked.

I felt like a little kid going on a joyride in a car and said, "Yup."

It took us about fifteen minutes to get to the restaurant and David and I did some more catching up and talked the whole way there. As soon as we pulled up to the restaurant, it was about 6:50 p.m. and I really was starting to get hungry; however, my phone started buzzing as David opened the passenger door to let me out. I knew exactly who it was and I sadly allowed it to go to voicemail. David could read me like a book and asked, "Are you going to get that?"

I said, "I'm good," as we walked into the restaurant.

"Does..." David paused for a second and asked, "What's his name again?"

"Who?" I said, trying to play dumb.

"Your man, what's his name again?"

"Toni, why?"

"Does Toni know you're here with me?"

"I told Toni I had plans to visit a few friends while I was in town, and this is what I'm doing," I said, trying to convince myself I was not in the wrong for being with David.

"Oh, okay," David said, maybe also trying to convince himself he wasn't wrong either.

Dinner was going great. We laughed and caught up for about thirty minutes over light apps and a few glasses of wine. I felt like an adult drinking wine and talking instead of watching Toni drink beer and watch football.

"I know you don't drink and drive like that, and Donte is staying the night at my mom's if you need to crash for the night."

I stopped him and said, "I'm good, thanks for the offer." At this point it hit me and I felt so bad for where I was at and what I was doing even though I didn't actually do anything wrong. I then excused myself to the ladies' room.

When I reached the bathroom, I called Toni. "Hey, you, what are you doing?"

"Oh, nothing, just thinking about my favorite girl while I lie on this couch, watching some football highlights on ESPN. What you doing?"

"I'm out at dinner and will try to hit you up before you fall asleep."

"Oh, okay, tell Angela I said what's up."

"Oh, okay, I will," I said, knowing he thought I was at dinner with Angela. I quickly had to get off the phone, since I was a bad liar if you caught me on the spot. "Okay, babe, I have to run. Love you and talk to you later."

"Ditto." Again this word, it was crazy how neither one of us said this word in months, but all of a sudden we said this word twice in one day.

I made my way back to David, and at this point he already had my leftovers boxed up and he'd picked up the check.

"I figured we should leave," he said, throwing me off.

"Oh, okay, is everything okay?" I asked, as his whole demeanor had changed.

"Man, I'm good, just don't want to keep you up too late. You said you have to work in the morning, right?"

"I have breakfast with Angela; then I have to be at work at noon. It's a concert, so even though it's going to be a long day tomorrow, it doesn't start that early. I'm guessing we're not going to Leopard Lounge?"

"When do you leave again?"

"I leave Monday afternoon. I figure I can hang out with some friends over the weekend and then go check on my rentals on Monday while most people are at work."

"We can still go to Leopard Lounge, but we spent so much time in Houston's, I figured you wanted to leave." I didn't know why he said this, but I guess he knew what I did in the bathroom since I was gone for about five minutes.

"Oh, okay, it's cool to call it a night, then." The ride home was pretty quiet, and I knew something was up, so I asked, "Man, what's up? You good? You've been acting different the last twenty minutes or so."

"I'm guessing you called Toni while you was in the bathroom?" he finally came out and said.

"I did and?" I said, trying to understand what was up.

"I'm not mad you called him. It just hit me that you're no longer in the A, and I realized I still actually have feelings for you. Man, I thought I could enjoy an evening to just catch up and then that's it, but I felt like when I watched you walk into the restroom I watched you walk back out of my life again because I figured you would call him," he said, sounding remorseful.

"Look, David, I'm not trying to make this uncomfortable. I enjoy hanging out with you, but to be a hundred percent honest, we've been down this path before and we always end up saying we're better off as friends. I wish things could be different between—"

David interrupted, "I know it's not."

"Look, I'm not trying to be mean or nothing, but my life is different now."

David's response was anger and he said, "Different is right. Look, J, I've known you for over two years and I know we go back and forth, but real talk, you don't even seem happy. You look great, don't get me wrong, but you just don't seem a hundred percent happy. I'm not saying it's Toni, but it's something. Maybe it's the move, maybe it's... hell, I don't know, but it's something."

I was speechless because he was right, and to be honest, I didn't know what that something was either.

David and I sat in his car at his apartment and talked for about an hour. Neither one of us even minded we were in the car still.

"Look, David, I can't say I'm a hundred percent happy with a lot of things. My move to New York was planned yet unexpected. I spent my whole savings flying back and forth to New York to visit my dad in the hospital. It was one of the scariest moments in my life. My dad never said a word, he never asked me to move back, neither did my mother. I just remember me riding in the ambulance to transport my dad on Valentine's Day, of all days, from the hospital to a hospice to die. The doctor said they couldn't do much for him and we began making funeral arrangements. I remember flying back to Atlanta and taking a good look at my life, and realized I wanted to be with my family in this time of need, and my lifestyle in Atlanta needed a change. I figured there was no better time than now to move back to New York. At the time I made the decision to move, nothing was holding me back. However, after I managed to move my whole life to New York, my father just walked out of the hospice. It was the craziest thing. The doctors called it a miracle and my father said something I would never forget."

"What did he say?" David asked.

"He said he wasn't ready to die because he had more life to live, he said he needed to be there to walk his girls down the aisle and play with his grandkids. That statement hit me so hard because I was so busy being this independent woman that I never planned marriage and kids into my life. You know this, but when my dad said it, I was like I needed to make some moves and I thought my move to New York was my new chance at finding a different path for myself. Maybe Atlanta just wasn't the right path for me. Don't get me wrong, I loved my time in Atlanta and the people I met, but..." I paused.

"But what?" David asked.

"But right now I just don't know what path I should be on. My whole life I planned everything and prayed for guidance, but now I'm feeling a little lost and unbalanced. I don't know if this is making any sense," I said, hoping David would say something to help me find my path.

"I understand, and I think this is what life is. Man, life ain't easy and sometimes one has to get lost in order to find their way back. You got this, and hopefully in due time it will all make sense. Just know no matter what happens, I'm here for you and will always be a friend you can talk to."

I just leaned over and gave David a big hug and whispered in his ear, "Thanks, thanks for listening."

He whispered, "Anytime, I got you," as he began squeezing me longer and harder. I felt even more confused as I tried to hold back my tears. On one hand I loved Toni, but our relationship wasn't perfect, but on the other hand, David was amazing, but we'd been here before more than once and it didn't work.

## **  
**

##  ******Wait, You Did What...**

Ever since I got back from Atlanta, Toni was acting pretty funny. While I was in Atlanta, he kept saying everything was going to be okay and he was excited about this next chapter in his life. I was so confused, I just thought us spending time apart gave us both the opportunity to clear our heads and maybe he had a solid plan.

Toni had been working his new job for over a month and talked so bad about it daily. At first he said he would start looking for work, but then it seemed as if he stopped looking and all he did was complain. He kept saying he was exploring his options, but I never understood what that meant since he hadn't been looking for new work. I even spoke to a few associates to see if they could help him find a new career path, but he was too stubborn to accept the assistance. I didn't have the heart to actually tell him he didn't really qualify for any real work since he had no degree and no job skills.

My project was over and I'd been looking for a tax job for the past week or so. I'd met with Macy's already and had my second interview tomorrow, so I thought I would just end up working there through winter. I was trying to plan a quick getaway to Mexico, but then I found out Toni didn't have a passport. I was so shocked to hear this; I'd had a passport since I was six years old. So I gave up on that trip and decided on saving what little money I had in my savings. I hated the fact I didn't have much savings and Toni knew this bothered me a great deal. I was not okay with living paycheck to paycheck, and I worked too hard to live with limitations, and my dad's words were still ringing in my ears.

"Hey, we need to talk," Toni said.

"What's up?"

"I know I've been acting strange lately, but I've been doing some solo searching and I wanted to talk to you about it. You push me to be a better person and I want to make you proud to be with me. I see how you look at other people's boyfriends or husbands when they have a career and stable income. I know you don't like living paycheck to paycheck and I know you want to travel and stuff. I first want to thank you for pushing me to want better for myself, for this family."

I was so confused and was wondering where the conversation was going. "What's going on?"

"While you was in Atlanta, I spoke to my dad and we really had a great talk."

This sounded scary, as I had spoken to my dad a few weeks ago and we also had a good talk. "I'm confused; what is going on?" I said in a strong tone.

"Babe, I'm getting to it, relax. Anyway, my dad knows how crazy I am about you and I told him you make me want to be a better man for you. While you was in Atlanta, I was thinking about my goals and visions and what was next in my life. The one thing I kept seeing was you and it was clear to me, if I don't make a move quick, I will lose you and you are the best thing that happened to me. I love you and want to make you happy, I want to make you proud of me..."

Toni kept on going as I started to tune him out and panic at the same time. Where was he going with all of this? He had been speaking for almost ten minutes about how much he loves me and what his dad said and how he needs a career move.

"While you was in Atlanta and after speaking to my dad, I decided I want to be a writer."

This totally knocked me out of my daydream and back into the conversation. "A writer?" I repeated. I'd never seen him even read a book, let alone write one.

"I want to be a screenplay writer. Jonathan and I have spoken about this idea some time ago because he had the connection and I have the vision to write a great screenplay."

"Have you spoken to Jonathan about this?" I asked, being slick because I knew Jonathan was still mad at him for skipping out on the rent he owed and leaving the house in a mess when he up and left Atlanta, and Toni has been dogging his calls, and I still hadn't told Toni I knew about all of it.

"No, I haven't spoken to Jonathan as yet about this, but I know he'll be happy. He knows I can write some good stuff."

"Have you ever written a screenplay before or anything?"

"Not really, but it's cool. I have the whole story line, though, check this out. It's about a young man who finds love while he's in the military and he's torn between his love for his country and the love for his girl."

I was so lost and confused, I didn't even know what to say. "Okay," was the only word I could get out of my mouth.

"The dynamics between his military life and his family is where the drama happens."

"So it's a drama?" I asked.

"Yes and no."

"Have you started writing it?"

"No, I need inspiration. Most writers can write from experience, so while you was in Atlanta, I was exploring my inspiration."

"What does that mean? I'm a little confused."

He grabbed my hands and held them and said, "This is going to be great. Have you thought about moving back to Atlanta? You have a great deal of connections back in the A, and I sometimes wonder if you're completely happy in New Jersey?"

I froze for a minute and heard David's words saying the same thing, but I still didn't understand where Toni was going with all of this.

"Anyway, babe, I said all of this to say I enrolled in the navy and just got my training orders yesterday."

"Wait, what did you say?"

"I enrolled in the navy and I leave for boot camp next month."

I pulled my hands back, shocked. "You enrolled in the military for inspiration in a screenplay?" I yelled.

"Yes and no."

"Stop that, that is not an answer. Which one is it, yes or no?" I demanded.

"Yes, I signed up for the navy, and no, not just for a screenplay. My dad joined the army when he was young, and he said it gave him guidance and helped shape his career."

"Your dad works at a factory and does labor work," I said without thinking and felt bad after the words left my mouth. My dad also does labor work, so I knew those words were wrong. My dad did what he had to do for his family and always encouraged us to get an education so we could be better than both my parents.

"That factory job put food on our table."

"I'm sorry, I know."

"I made the decision to enroll for a better life for myself, for us," he said as he grabbed my hands again. "I already put in my notice at work and was hoping to spend some time with you before I leave."

"Leave to go where?" I asked.

"My training is in Great Lakes, Illinois, and it's for two months. It could be longer, depending on the job I take."

I was much calmer now, so I started to ask more rational questions. "How does this whole thing work? What kind of job do you qualify for? How do you get to Illinois? Where would you stay?" and my questions went on and on. After over an hour of talking, I still was a little confused but felt like I understood what Toni was trying to do. He needed a path in life, and with no degree or real career goal, maybe this was good for him.

"I know it's a lot to swallow, but I promise this is going to make a better life for us."

"I can't say I'm a hundred percent okay with everything, but I guess I have to allow you to make decisions that are going to benefit you and your career path."

"This is not just for my career path," he interrupted. "This is for our future; the military will take care of our needs. I don't want you stressing over finding your next gig or paying bills or traveling the world. I was thinking of requesting to get stationed in either New York or Atlanta or overseas. I can work on my screenplay on the side and you can maybe go back to school like you mentioned you wanted to do."

"Wow, well, I mentioned going back to school later in life, like after I'm done with the production world and want a more normal life."

"This move can help you get that normal life. Bear with me and let's see what happens," he pleaded.

To be honest, I was excited to see him this excited about a real plan for his life. Not really the screenwriting thing because I'd come to learn Toni was all talk but no action, but I would see what happened with this military thing. In the end, he'd find a career and he'd have something to fall back on. I'd met many people who went into the military and used their training and skills to do some good in their life when they got out.

"Well, I guess your mind is made up, and it seems as if you already signed your life away to the military, so..."

Before I could even finish, he leaned over and gave me a big hug and said, "Thank you."

"What's that for?" I asked.

"Thanks for believing in me and supporting me through this crazy new adventure of mine."

Before I could even say anything back, he leaned over and kissed me. At first he started kissing me on my lips and then he made his way down to my neck and then my breast and next thing I knew I was flat on my back and he kissed me between my legs. He wasn't the best, but I needed a stress reliever after this kind of news. He stopped in the middle and got up and went into the kitchen.

"I always wanted to try this," he yelled and came back with a cup full of ice. He pushed me back down and placed a piece of ice in his mouth and went back down between my legs. This was new for me, the coldness from the ice and the warmth from his warm mouth was an interesting combination and I felt even more relaxed as I pulled his face deeper into my legs and lifted my body up and down. I had to stop him at one point because I thought I was going to pee.

"No, babe, don't stop me."

"No, wait, I think I'm going to pee."

"Babe, you was about to cum. You need to relax and allow your body to naturally do what it was going to do."

The moment was totally gone, but I said, "I'm sorry, babe, I felt like I was going to pee, so I needed you to stop."

"Babe, did it feel good?" he said.

"Yes, it did."

"That was all I wanted to hear."

I felt bad because over the next few weeks leading up to him getting ready to leave all I wanted was to feel that feeling again, but it never happened. I started to do some research and Toni was right, that sensation was normal, and for the first time, I was relaxed and almost allowed my body to do what it did naturally and I would have most likely came. I remember talking to my ob-gyn doctor a few years ago and asked was it normal for me to never experience an orgasm during sex. She told me this was normal and there was nothing wrong with me. She said I needed to know my body and this was when I bought my first dildo. I was shocked at the amount of selection there was, so I went with the size and color, and now I was hooked. At first I only used it solo, but now Toni used it on me every chance he got. He said he liked when I was this relaxed and he wished I let myself go and enjoy. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed sex and I was always wet, but I couldn't stop thinking about wanting to or knowing if I had a big O, so I really couldn't relax during sex.

Toni was pretty good in bed mainly because he found pleasure in pleasuring me and I loved this. Once in a while I would go down on him, but he usually came too fast, so he'd rather me not do it. Not to pat myself on the back, but it kind of made me feel pretty good to know my head game made him come fast. So the tables got turned and I got to enjoy all of the benefits of his head between my legs, or the dildo.

"I created a monster," Toni said just as I was lying on my back and getting ready for round two.

"You're about to leave in a few days, so I'm trying to get it all in," I joked, but I was so serious. Ever since Toni introduced me to his tongue and ice, I was like a crack fiend for his lips between my legs, which led to some good sex. We had sex once or sometimes twice a day for over two weeks. Now that I was working at Macy's, I had a more regular schedule and Toni loved this. Our relationship was stronger than ever. Was it because he was leaving, or maybe because I was under less stress not working production. Whatever the reason was, I was enjoying this time together and I was truly happy.

***

In less than twenty-four hours, Toni was leaving for Illinois and I was really going to miss him. I was working late and Toni surprised me at Macy's and wanted to take me to lunch. As we walked through Macy's, he stopped at the jewelry counter and pointed to a ring I'd seen in the Macy's catalog and said I liked. It was a one-carat ring cluster and I thought it would make a great fashion ring.

"Is this the ring you said you liked in the catalog?"

"Yup," I said as the sale rep Denise walked over.

"Hey, JR," Denise said. "Is this Mr. Toni I hear so much about?"

"This is Toni. Toni, this is Denise."

"It's a pleasure to finally meet you. I can see why JR has you under lock and key," she said as I gave her the look, like cut it out.

"I don't know why she has me under lock and key, but it's all good, and nice to meet you," Toni said as I pulled him away from the counter.

"We're heading to lunch, Denise. I'll see you later," I said as we walked away.

"Are you excited to go?" I asked Toni over lunch.

"I guess, but I'm going to miss you, but I promise to call you every day or at least write every day."

"You act as if you're going to prison or something."

"I'm hearing stories about how it's like a prison. These next eight weeks will be hard but worth it in the end. There's a graduation after the last week and naturally I want you to come. I know you was bummed about not having that getaway before you started this nine to five or should I say 'tax job,'" he jokingly mocked me.

"I never been to Illinois; how far is it from Chicago? That's the only part of Illinois I know."

"You crazy, I'm going to miss you."

"We'll be fine. You forget we started the first part of our relationship from a distance," I reminded him.

"How can I forget?" he said as we cleaned up the mall table and made our way back to my job.

"I'll be off at six, so I'll see you at home," I said as I gave him a hug and walked back to my department.

## **  
**

##  ******It's a Promise...**

As JR walked back to work, I wanted to go check out that ring she wanted. I made my way back to the counter and saw Denise again.

"Hey, Denise. Can I see that ring JR liked?"

"Hey, Toni, welcome back. Let me grab the key so you can check out this ring."

"This is a nice ring and I know Jaime would like it."

"Jamie, is that JR's real name?" Denise asked, laughing.

"Yeah, her name is Jamie Reynolds. That's where she gets JR from."

"I guess I never even asked why everyone calls her JR since it's on her name tag. Okay, so here's the ring and it's on sale. JR... Jamie says you're leaving for Illinois soon."

"Yeah, I leave for boot camp."

"Oh, boot camp, I guess I also never asked what you was doing in Illinois," she said, laughing. "My cousin was at Great Lakes."

"Hey, I'm also going to Great Lakes."

"He said it was nice but a lot of work. You know, they break you and then build you back up," Denise said.

"Thanks," Toni said sarcastically. "So how much would this ring be?"

"It's on sale, but you know JR gets a twenty percent discount and since she has a ton of Macy's money—"

"What is Macy's money?"

"Macy's money is great. It's money you can only use at Macy's. Every time we open up a credit card account we get Macy's money, and JR also gets bonus Macy's money because she's a CSM."

"CSM?" Toni asked.

"Yeah, a customer service manager. You don't know what she does here at Macy's?" Denise says, laughing. "Besides shop, of course, JR can always find the best deals sometimes. This is why she has so much Macy's money, because she only buys stuff on clearance. I'm guessing she has about two hundred dollars in Macy's money left, plus her twenty percent discount plus the sale we have going on; you can't beat it."

"How do I go about using the discount and the Macy's money? I wanted this ring to be a surprise for her."

"Don't worry about that, I got you. Also, if you want a real surprise, you should look at this ring. It was returned early in the week because a customer found a small hairline crack in the inside of the diamond, so it's on sale for sixty percent off, plus an extra twenty-five percent plus her twenty percent discount and the Macy's money, it's going to be next to nothing."

"Wow, this is a nice ring."

"Nice ring? This is an amazing ring. It has a one-carat center and half-carat clusters each side. She would love this ring; nothing says good-bye better than this ring. It can be a promise ring to keep her out of trouble while you're gone."

"This is a promise ring?"

"Anything can be a promise ring. She would love it."

"How do I go about getting all of those discounts you mentioned?"

"Leave this up to me." Within fifteen minutes, Denise and another manager did something, and next thing I knew the ring was boxed up and in my hand.

"She is going to love this," both Denise and the manager said.

"Thanks, guys," I said before walking away from the counter.

"Now what?" I said to myself. First I hoped Jamie didn't find out I had to put this ring on her Macy's card to get all these discounts, but by the time the bill came, I should have at least two checks and I could send her the money to pay off the bill.

I couldn't believe I was leaving for Illinois tomorrow. As I began to pack, the ring watched me from the nightstand. I'd never done something like this before, but it felt right. I loved Jamie and I was going to ask her to marry me if all went well after boot camp. This ring was just a promise of my love and she could look at it and think of me while I was gone.

_Jamie should be home in an hour. How do I present this gift to her?_ I quickly zipped my duffle bag and made my way downstairs, with the ring in hand.

I decided to cook dinner. Her favorite was chicken breast and veggies so this was what I would cook. While dinner was cooking, I decided to write Jamie a poem to tell her how I felt.

_Ring, ring._ "Hey, I'm off work. What are you doing?" Jamie asked.

"You'll have to see when you get home," I replied.

"Excuse me, well, it's your last night, so I'm game to do whatever. So, I'll see you at home."

As soon as I hung up the phone, I knew I had only ten to fifteen minutes to finish up everything before she got home. I had the lights off and candles all over the house, including upstairs in the bedroom, where I placed the ring and poem. I knew any minute now JR would be home and our lives were about to change.

I looked out the window as I heard her heels walking up the stairs. As the door opened, I stood in front of the door to greet my beloved with a kiss.

"Oh my," JR said as she opened the door and began to laugh.

"Hey, honey." I gave her a big hug.

"This is so sweet, thanks, babe."

"This is just the tip of the evening. There are more surprises to come," I said as I walked her over to the dining room, where I had two plates laid out for dinner. I pulled out her chair and made her a drink.

"I'm not a professional, so I hope you like the drink," I said as I ran back to the kitchen to grab a drink.

JR placed the drink to her lips and the look on her face said it all. "I told you I wasn't a professional," I said after realizing she didn't like the drink.

"It's cool, babe. It's a little strong and warm, just add some ice and some lime juice and it'll be fine. Thanks for dinner, this looks great. You are like my little chef when you cook."

"I know how much you love to eat," I jokingly said because I was really the one who liked to eat, but JR had been helping me control how much I eat. "I know this is our last night together and I wanted to make it special."

Over dinner, we spoke and laughed and just enjoyed each other's company. I truly missed this, but the last few weeks had been great between JR and me. I didn't know if it was because I was leaving or because she was working an easy job with set hours. I felt like I had my soul mate back and I hoped she would enjoy my gift.

"Dinner was great," she said, trying to be nice, but I know it was just okay because JR always said I overseasoned food or cooked things for too long. I had to laugh as JR tried to cut into the chicken and she moved the whole plate. So I agreed the chicken was tough and the vegetables were a little too soft, since I forgot them on the stove while I was writing the poem.

"Glad you enjoyed it. Now for dessert."

"What's on the menu?" JR asked, sounding cute like she didn't know what dessert meant.

"Join me upstairs and find out."

"What kind of dessert is upstairs?"

"Just wait and see." I grabbed her hand and led her upstairs to the bedroom, which was still well lit with candles. I stood her in front of the bed, but I was blocking the box and poem. She leaned towards me, but I stopped her. I knew what she wanted, but tonight she had to wait until after the gift.

"What?" she said as I took a step to the right so she could see the bed and the envelope and ring box next to it.

"Aw, Toni, what could it be?" she said, but I knew she thought it was the one-carat cluster ring she wanted from Macy's.

I grabbed her hands and walked her to the bed and sat down next to her and gave her the envelope first so she could read the poem.

Your eyes are the key to my soul,

my eyes are watery, full of tears and my spirit is glowing

ever knowing that eventually you and I are like a once-in-a-lifetime comet that has arrived and this is our moment.

Our moment to see the beauty that is released from we

you allow me to go places most men are afraid to reach.

I released tears of joy, pain, anguish, happiness, pleasure and peace

with you there are heights that I know we will see

you are my reflection, this destiny it's got to be

my heart melts over and in my mind you are all I see

there is no limit to the joy and love we be.

when we become one I know we would be strong, but know we are not only growing as one mentally, spiritually but emotionally

not just in tears and of love

but in selfishness, impatience, things that should not and will not get the best of we

I love you greater than I ever thought I could naturally

you are me and I am you

we are growing into something more special and natural very methodically,

our souls are mated and our days are great

our future is full of promise and our odds are slim to those without God in their heart and vision in their thoughts

but you are one of the kind of this love is far and blind

but it's so natural it's not for everyone

I love you and am truly blessed beyond the physical realm

"Aw, babe," she said after she read the poem.

"I wanted to give you something to remember me by." I picked up the ring box and placed it in her hands.

"I wonder what this can be," Jamie said, still thinking she knew what was in the box.

She slowly opened the box and almost dropped it on the floor when she saw what was inside. I steadied her hands and helped her hold the box.

"Oh my god," Jamie said.

"I want you to know how much this past year has meant to me. I know we had our ups and downs, but I never loved anyone more than I love you. You are truly my soul mate and I know this journey is just the beginning, but we are in it together to the end."

Jamie was still quiet and didn't say anything.

"Babe, are you okay?" I asked, but she had this pale look in her eyes. "This is a promise ring, and I want you to wear it while I'm gone to remember me by." I could see the sigh of relief after I said this.

"Oh, oh. I'm sorry, I'm at a loss for words, but this ring is beautiful. Thanks so much."

I was expecting a more excited response from her, but I let it go.

"Here, let me help you put it on," I said as JR used her left hand to try to pull off the ring on her right hand. I stopped her without hesitation and placed the ring on her left hand. I didn't realize that was her wedding finger, I just placed the ring on the hand that was free, and the ring was a perfect fit. I felt so proud at what just happened. It all felt right and I just knew JR was happy as we made love until the candles were all burnt out.

## **  
**

##  ******I Am at a Loss for Words...**

I got up pretty early while Toni was still sleeping. After last night's match I figured he would be asleep for a while. I couldn't lie, sex last night was amazing; there was so much passion between the two of us. Naturally I was out of it because I was still trying to wrap my mind around what just happened. I had to call Angela.

"Hey, girl, what's up?"

"Hey, JR, how is everything?"

"I need to talk; you have a minute? Or should I say an hour?" I said, trying to joke but was so serious.

"What's wrong? I can hear it in your voice, is everything okay?"

"You know Toni is leaving for the navy in a few hours, right?" I kept on going without even letting Angela reply. "Well, yesterday I think he asked me to marry him."

"What?" Angela said, sounding like how I felt last night. "Start over from the beginning. What happened?"

I told Angela the full story, starting with us checking out the cluster ring at Macy's until he presented it to me.

"So what did you say?" she asked.

"I froze up and didn't say anything; then he said it was a promise ring, but I felt he only said this because my reaction was so bad. You know I can't hide my emotions on my face. I mean, I love him and all, and I was totally thrown off by the switch. I really thought it was going to be that cluster ring. I really love this ring, but I'm a little confused about it all."

"Confused is good; at least you are not, like, disgusted by the thought of it being an engagement ring."

"I even have it on my left hand; it was natural this morning when I put it on. I put on my college graduation present from Rob on my right hand like always and then I just put the other ring on the left hand."

"You still have that ring from Robert?" Angela asked. "I thought you would have thrown it away after all you went through with him."

"Girl, stay focused. Besides, I like that ring, and even though he gave this to me and he treated me like crap, it's still a diamond ring, and it was the ring I wanted, unlike this other ring. Okay, that sounded bad; I'm just still shocked. Am I a bad person?"

"Girl, you are not a bad person. You say you love him and he loves you; just wait it out and see what happens. You never know what can happen between now and those two months he's gone. I know you never thought about settling down, but maybe your plan for your own life is wrong. Maybe you are meant to settle down and enjoy your life. I'm not saying you should settle for anything less than what will make you happy, but he leaves in a few hours, so go back home and enjoy those last hours with him and just let things happen."

"Thanks, girl, I needed to hear that. Anyway, let me go. I've been outside the house for a minute now. I just ran to the store to pick up some breakfast before he gets up, but after last night, I bet that fool is still asleep," I said.

"Alright now, I'm not mad. Enjoy," Angela said right before hanging up the phone.

I walked back in the house a few minutes after hanging up, and just as I expected, Toni was still asleep, but I was wide awake and wet as ever. Morning sex was my favorite time of the day. I made my way into bed and took off all my clothes and reached into the nightstand drawer and pulled out my favorite neon pink dildo and added a little spit to the tip and inserted it inside of me and began pleasuring myself. After about thirty seconds of moans and moving in the bed, Toni finally got up and just smiled.

"Good morning to you," he said as I was biting my bottom lip from the pleasure. This was the first time Toni had seen me pleasure myself. He used to hear me do it via phone when we were apart, but he got so turned on as I inserted the dildo in and out.

"Oh, so this is how you like it," he said as he watched me insert the dildo at a rapid speed and as I turned it around in a circle. He began kissing my lips. At first I was able to take his kisses and me pleasuring myself; then he started kissing me with passion and massaging my breast and helping me masturbate by holding my hand as I inserted it in and out of me. I almost lost it and finally felt the sensation of having to pee. I was so ready for it, but after about sixty seconds, I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to pull it out as my body was beginning to shake. I was trying my hardest to continue, but the feeling was too good, and I pushed his hand off my dildo since he wasn't allowing me to pull it out. I was kind of pissed now because I just learned something new and he was about to leave.

"Why did you stop, babe?" he asked.

"Man, I was trying, but I just couldn't take—" Before I could finish my sentence, he made his way down between my legs to try to finish the job. His tongue felt so good as he slowly licked my clitoris and then wrapped his lips around it and sucked it like a straw. That one action drove my body crazy and he knew it as he did it over and over again. I thought I was going to pass out from the pleasure, but to be honest, I still didn't come. He didn't stop either and I was happy.

We finally made it out of bed by noon after playing in the bed for over an hour. One would think I would have came like ten times, but I didn't and he didn't let up. He spent that time pleasuring me with his lips, tongue, finger and, of course, my neon pink friend, and I returned the favor.

As soon as he came, he would quickly jerk off and be ready for the next round. This happened over and over again because I was ready every time and my vagina got wetter and wetter with every round. I guess he also wanted to leave nothing on the table while he was gone for two months.

My sex drive was only high when I had someone, but once that person left, then it was just me and my neon pink friend, but we only met up briefly. I never used my dildo so much until I met Toni.

***

It had only been two weeks into our eight weeks apart and Toni was regretting his decision to join the navy. He called it a prison every chance he got. By the third week I noticed the calls stopped and the letters began. I got at least two to three letters per week.

Our relationship felt strong again like how it used to be when he lived in Atlanta and I lived in New York/New Jersey. His letters made me fall in love all over again. He was truly gifted with words, and he knew just what to say to make me love him all over again. I just wished we had this same strong connection when he got back home.

## **  
**

##  ******Do You Need Me to Call 911...**

It had been almost five weeks and my love for Toni was growing stronger and stronger. I truly missed him and couldn't wait until I visited him in Great lakes for his graduation. I had even picked up a new gig, which started in two months, which was perfect because my last day with Macy's was one week before I started that gig. I had some PTO saved up from Macy's, and since I pretty much worked all the time while Toni was gone, I was excited for the break. It kind of sucked going home to an empty house, so working extra hours was my outlet.

I also started making friends with Denise and the ladies at Macy's. We would do happy hour and even go to a club once in a while. I had fun but felt bad to update Toni on what I did because I knew he would be a little jealous, so I was mindful of what I said.

"Hey, girl, you okay?" Denise asked while I was sitting in the break room.

"I'm good, I think I have cramps or something because my side is killing me."

"Are you on your cycle?" she asked.

Normally I wouldn't even answer her, but this time I did. "No, I'm not."

She pulled up a seat next to me and asked, "Is it time for your cycle to come?"

I replied yet again with, "No."

"Have you been to the doctor? Have you taken a pregnancy test?" she slipped in without hesitation.

"Girl, I ain't pregnant. I just had my period two weeks ago," I lied. "My shift is almost over; then I'll head home and just relax since I'm off this weekend. I was going to pick up some extra shifts, but I think I need the time off."

I was so glad my shift was over as I hunched over in pain and managed to drive myself home, but first I ran into the drugstore to pick up a pregnancy test. "I can't be pregnant," I said to myself. I never missed a pill, and yes, my cycle was a little late, but I never had regular periods after my surgery, and my ob-gyn said that it was normal.

Just as I walked out of the store and got back into my car, my mother called. "Good afternoon," she said.

"Good afternoon, Ma," I replied.

"Are you still coming over this weekend to help me with the garage door?"

"I don't know, Ma, I haven't been feeling too well, so I was trying to rest this weekend."

"You're not working?"

"No, I'm off this weekend and told them I couldn't work any extra shifts so I can rest."

"What's going on? You got a cold?"

"No, I have a really bad cramp in my side, but I'll be okay. Maybe just some hot tea and a good night's sleep will help." My family is West Indian, so we believe hot tea and some rest can cure almost anything.

"Okay, well, call me tomorrow and let me know if you're feeling any better," she said as she hung up the phone, but tomorrow never came. I ended up not even taking the pregnancy test and was up all night in pain. The pain got so bad I was crying and couldn't move out of bed. I finally broke down and called my mother. It was after ten p.m. and I sounded really bad on the phone.

"Jamie, are you okay?" my mother asked with concern.

"No," I said, "something is wrong and I can't even move my stomach hurts so bad."

"Do you need me to call 911?"

"No, but can you come over and take me to the hospital, please?" My mother was less than eight minutes away, so I figured she would be at my home faster than the ambulance, and I didn't want my nosey neighbors knowing something was wrong with me.

Within minutes my mother was at my home as I crawled down the stairs. My mother helped me to the car and off we went. I don't know if it was the motion in the car, but by the time I got to the hospital, I was in tears from the pain. I was rushed to the ER with no wait.

My mother was very concerned, but I had no insurance, so I was even more concerned as to who would be picking up this bill.

I sat in pain as the nurse tried to push all areas of my stomach and then they requested to do a CT scan. I had to drink some clear stuff so they could do the CT scan, but I couldn't keep it down and ended up throwing the stuff up like three times. The doctor finally said just take her to the back and hopefully she kept down enough fluids.

Thank goodness, I kept enough of it down and completed the CT scan, and then I was moved up to a room where they added IVs to my body.

After a few hours my mother finally was able to come upstairs as the doctor spoke to us both about what was going on.

"How are you feeling?" the doctor asked.

"I'm feeling much better now," I replied, since I had pain meds to ease the pain.

"So do you eat a lot of fried foods or fast foods?" the doctor asked as my mother laughed because she was always worried about my eating habits and knew I didn't eat junk.

"No, Doctor, I don't. I eat pretty clean, I don't eat red meat, pork or very many fast foods at all. Why do you ask?"

"You have gallbladder disease," the doctor said without hesitation.

"Wait, what is that? Is it serious?" my mother asked.

"No, it's pretty common for people who eat a lot of fatty foods, but it's caused by inflammation due to irritation to the gallbladder wall. We may have to remove the gallbladder," he said with ease and walked out of the room.

"Wait, I don't eat fatty foods, I eat pretty healthy," I said, trying to stop him.

"Okay," the doctor said as if he didn't believe me. "Well, sit tight. We'll see how your body does over the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours."

I was crushed. I couldn't believe this. This was nuts; I was a health junkie. Yeah, I ate an occasional fried food every now and again, but for the most part it was less than the average person.

***

"Jamie, how are you feeling?" my mom asked as I woke up from a deep sleep. "You must have been tired, as you've been sleeping for a few hours and I know you don't sleep in the middle of the day. Your phone rang and I answered it and had a nice conversation with Mr. Toni. He seems like a nice guy. He truly cares a lot about you as he was asking to fly back to New Jersey to see you."

"Wait, what? Toni is flying back?" I asked in a daze.

"No, it looks like he can't, but I told him I'll keep him updated on your condition. I hope that was okay?" my mother said, as if I would be upset with her for being by my side and speaking to Toni.

"That's fine, thank you." My mother knew me and knew this was hard for me. I was the strong one in the family, and getting sick, being in the hospital, was not really me. I'd rather sit through the pain and deal with it than go to the hospital. To even call her and ask for help she knew I must have been in some serious pain.

Forty-eight hours later I was well rested and feeling much better. The doctor even said my gallbladder was fine and there was no more sign of the inflammation and they sent me home. No surgery or anything. I was so happy and grateful. I hated the fact I was more concerned with the hospital bill rather than my health during my time in the hospital, but ended up going back to work the next day. My mother wasn't too happy about that, but she understood.

***

"Hey, J," Toni called. "How are you feeling today? I was so nervous and scared when I called and spoke to your mother. Gallbladder disease, who would have thought that? I should watch out because I eat more fatty foods and fast food than you," he said, joking. But he was so right, he eats way more crap than me.

"I'm fine, feeling much better and thankful I didn't have to have surgery. The nurse says people can live without a gallbladder, but the good Lord gave me a gallbladder, so I want to keep what the good Lord gave me," I said, laughing. "Besides, I got lucky with not having a bill because of my income, but I don't know if that luck would have covered the surgery if I needed it."

"I hate the fact you don't have medical insurance. You know the military has great insurance and I'll ask how to get you added to my insurance and keep you posted."

"Okay, thanks. Anyway, enough about me. It's good to hear your voice. How are you feeling? How is everything?" I asked but already knew the answer, as his letters had been very detailed and he mentioned the phones were bugged, so I knew he wouldn't speak the truth over the phone. He was so paranoid and it was funny, but I felt bad laughing when he talked about the government and big brother.

"It's cool, I'm learning so much and can't wait for graduation. I'm thinking about my job and trying to figure out what direction I want to go with this new career path."

"Oh, that's great. What are your options?"

"They have it all, I was thinking of a chaplain, playing on the football team, engineer or IT?"

"Wait, you can learn those in the navy? Don't you need to come in with experience to get those jobs?" I didn't know much about this navy thing, but I knew one couldn't just walk off the street and be a chaplain, engineer or an IT specialist without experience, and I didn't think the football team was a job.

"They train you, but I'm exploring all of my options. Hey, I have to run, but I'll call and check up on you later today."

"Okay, love you," I said.

"Ditto."

Our relationship had been an emotional roller coaster. When we had space and distance, it was a great relationship. I felt we talked more and I fell back in love with him all over again, but those last few months in New Jersey were hard. I hated the fact I focused so much on the past because it was a new day and I had heard great improvement and growth from him when we spoke on the phone. Even his letters had a plan. Maybe this navy thing was a good idea.

***

"Hey, babe. I have some exciting news for you."

"Hey, Toni, what's up?" I was very relaxed on the phone, as I'd just finished having a meeting with my neon pink friend.

"Man, today was a great day. We finally was able to pick our new roles in the navy."

"Oh, okay." I was excited he was so excited, but I didn't know what his job was, so I wasn't that excited. "So, so, what did you end up getting? The IT gig?" I said, knowing he wouldn't get the IT job, but I was trying to sound supportive.

"No, I'm going to be a chef."

The phone went silent, as I didn't know what to even say.

"Babe, did you hear me? I'm going to be a chef. You know how much I love to cook?"

"Seriously, babe, you never cook. You actually don't like to cook, you like to eat."

"Ha, ha, you got jokes. No, man, I'm excited to be going to chef school because I always wanted to be a chef."

Where was he getting this stuff from? He never mentioned wanting to be a chef; he was the one who made eggs in the microwave.

"I'm a little shocked, as I never expected you to take a job like that since you spoke about a career job like IT or engineering, but if you're happy with your choice, then congrats."

"Hey, well, I'm just tired of being in Great Lakes and a chef had the shortest school."

"Wait, what? You picked a career because it had the shortest time in school? Do you think that was the best way to make a life-changing choice like that?"

"This is a new adventure and I'm excited. Why do you always have to try to burst my bubble?"

"I'm sorry, I'm not trying to burst your bubble. I'm just trying to understand your reasoning for the decisions you make. You say this will affect me as well, so I'm also invested in the path you're taking in this new adventure in your life." I hated sounding selfish, but I had to be during this time.

"Babe, I'm happy with my decision, and yes, going to chef school is the shortest school, but I think it will open up doors for us. Everyone needs a chef, so the demand for chefs will help us in the end. I was considering Atlanta, New York or somewhere overseas like Japan?"

At this point I was so hesitant to hear Toni's plan, as everything he had said to this point when it came to the navy had been ass backwards, so I didn't know what to believe anymore. I hated not knowing enough about a situation and having to rely on his words.

"Babe, if you're happy, then I'm happy. How long is school anyway? What's next?"

Toni and I spoke for another thirty minutes as he filled me in on the next steps with everything. I had no choice but to rely on his information and see what happened. I still had my house in New Jersey, my new gig starting in a few. This was my first independent movie in New Jersey, and it was a nine-month job, which was amazing. I guess everything was going to be okay.

## **  
**

##  ******Graduation Day...**

I was so excited to go to Illinois. This was my first time, so I was like a kid in a candy store. I arrived at Chicago airport and raced to my rent-a-car so I could drive around the city to check everything out. I called Toni to let him know I made it safely but got his voicemail. I knew they had a little more of a relaxed schedule since it was two days before graduation and they knew most of their family would be in town. I left him a quick message and went on my merry way. Chicago was nice and reminded me of a little New York. I loved sightseeing, so naturally I got lost in the time and realized I had been driving around for an hour before Toni finally called me back.

"Hey, babe, where are you?"

"Great question, I'm somewhere downtown, just taking in the view."

"Well, I couldn't wait until seven p.m. to see you, so I caught a ride and will meet you at the hotel. I should be there in, like, thirty minutes."

"Oh, okay, great. We can check in around that time and we can maybe grab a late dinner or maybe some drinks or something."

"Okay, well, I have some buddies with me. If you don't mind, I promised them dinner for driving me to the hotel."

"Sure, why not? This is a celebration. The more the merrier."

"Cool, I can't wait to see you."

"Me too, love you."

"Ditto," he said as he hung up the phone.

I quickly called the hotel to see if I could check in now since I was only a few minutes away from the hotel. I was still in my travel clothes, which always consisted of sweatpants and a tank top with a sweater or zip-up jacket. I always laughed at people who dress up to go on a plane. I needed to be as comfortable as possible because I fall right to sleep as soon as I sit down and buckle up.

I made it to the hotel and figured I had at least twenty minutes to spare before Toni got there. I was so happy the room was available and I was able to get one with a nice view of the cityscape.

I threw my luggage on the ground and ran into the shower. I figured I had enough time to take a shower and change my clothes. Thank goodness my hair was still intact.

As soon as I got out of the shower, Toni was calling and I started to panic because he was ten minutes early if he was at the hotel.

"Hey," I said, sounding like I was out of breath.

"Hey, you okay?" Toni asked. Ever since I got out of the hospital, he had been treating me like I was a fragile old woman.

"Babe, I'm fine. I'm at the hotel and just got out of the shower and ran for the phone before it went to voicemail. Are you here?"

"Yup, we're here. What room are you in?"

"I'm on the thirteenth floor, room—"

Toni cut me off. "Wait, the thirteenth floor? What hotel are we staying at again?"

"The Sheraton downtown."

"I'm at the Sheraton. Let me ask if this is the downtown one."

"Are you downtown?" I asked to an empty phone as I heard Toni ask is this the Sheraton downtown. I could barely hear the conversation between him and the front desk person, but he got back on the phone moments later and said, "Hey, okay, so I am at the Sheraton, but the one at the airport. I guess I will reroute and see you shortly."

"Oh, okay," was all I could say.

I was a little upset but glad I had time to finish getting dressed. I told Toni at least three times I was using Angela's sister hookup and found a downtown hotel for the low. I even debating on returning the rent-a-car because we could walk everywhere to and from the hotel since we were in the heart of downtown, but he told me to keep it since I would have to drive a few times to Great Lakes.

I finished getting dressed and even managed to go outside and walked around the block for a minute or so before heading back up to the room.

Finally, a knock at the door, so I knew it was Toni. I could also hear him and his friends behind the door. One would think he would ask his friends to not be at the door since he hadn't seen me in two months, but whatever. I took one last look in the mirror and opened the door.

"Baaaby," Toni said as he grabbed me and spun me around and kissed me. It was a very warm welcome, but I wasn't a big fan of PDA, but I embraced him back.

After thirty seconds he finally put me down and introduced me to his navy friends and off we went. Naturally Toni jumped in the car with me as I drove behind his friends to grab dinner. I guess they knew their way around Chicago because they drove us to a neat little bar. It had a lot of character and even had live music starting at nine. I loved live music, so I was happy. Even though it was only five and I really didn't see us staying at this place for four hours.

"So, how did you and Toni meet?" Steven, one of Toni's navy buddies, asked.

"It's a crazy story, but I guess you can say we met in Atlanta. I was actually moving back to New York and I met him literally on my way out of Georgia."

"So you guys had a long-distance thing going on?" Steven abruptly said.

"Yeah."

"That makes sense now," Steven said as he started to slap the hands of the other guys as they all laughed. I was so confused and the guys must have known something because they tried to play it off and jumped to another topic. "So what you guys got planned—"

"Wait, I'm confused. What makes sense?" I said, cutting him off.

"Yo, your man Tone is crazy. At first we all wondered if he was an ass, but after getting to know him, we know he is an ass," another guy said as they all started to laugh again.

I was trying to play it cool. I wasn't mad at what they were saying at all because I heard this before from Toni's best friend Carl. I remembered Toni putting me on the phone when he was talking to Carl and Carl saying how nice I sounded and he commended me for being with his brother Toni because he was such an asshole and it took a special woman to be with him.

"No, seriously, Tone is a good dude and we're just a little surprised his lady is so..." He paused awkwardly. "So nice and stuff," was all he could say, but I knew what he was really trying to say.

It was crazy, everyone kept saying Toni was an ass, but I guess I didn't see this. Maybe he was an ass to his boys, because he wasn't that way to me. I knew we had our disagreements, but what relationship was perfect. I was happy to be around Toni and his friends as we spent the night talking about what was next with the navy. I also got to meet Steven's wife, who ended up joining us during dinner. I learned a lot about the navy. I couldn't imagine going through boot camp, as Toni was right, they did try to break you and then build you back up. These stories were crazy, but it seemed like they made Toni a better man and maybe provider. He was so grateful to be around me and kept whispering in my ear things like, "Things are going to change," and, "I want the best for us," and, "You're my future." I was a little taken aback by how affectionate he was, but I welcomed it. The night was a success; we even got to enjoy a few minutes of the band.

I was so tired after the evening I just wanted to go back to the hotel and sleep, but not seeing Toni for two months, I knew just what was on his mind and it wasn't sleep. I played my role and joined Toni's excitement to be inside of me. Clearly I wasn't traveling with my neon pink friend even though we did hang a lot in Toni's absence.

Our sex life was always full of passion, as Toni and I made love that night. I know this is going to sound crazy, but for the first time in years I felt secure and felt like things were going great. I was about to start a new gig and I was excited to make my way into indie films.

***

The next morning, Toni and I talked and caught up as we ordered room-service breakfast.

"Man, I missed you and I'm so happy to see you. I know this has been a crazy few months, but I promise it will get better soon. I have school, and then I get to put in my orders."

Before I could even say anything, he continued talking. "So I was able to speak to a few guys, and I have a better understanding of everything, but it looks like in order for me to add you to anything, then we technically need to be married."

I didn't say anything as I just sat there and listened to him talk while I continued to eat my omelet.

"I know I see you in my life in the future, and these last two months have been hell without you. I know I wasn't my best in New Jersey and that was because I didn't have anything. We lived in your home and you had your family nearby and friends. I had nothing and no one besides you. It breaks my heart you had to work so hard, and I almost got in trouble at boot camp when you was in the hospital. I was a basket case and this is why everyone thought I was an asshole. I couldn't be nice to anyone because my soul mate was in the hospital and I couldn't be there for her. I know I told you I would find out more about insurance and stuff like that for you, but again we need to be married before I can add you on."

I just sat there still, now eating my fruit as he continued. I guess he had a lot of time to think about all of this because he spoke for about thirty minutes straight as I just listened.

"Babe, I know our relationship isn't perfect and I still have a lot of growing to do, but I couldn't grow without you," he said as he began to get up and walk into the bathroom.

Then he came back out with my so-called promise ring in hand and continued to talk. I didn't pay much attention to the ring in his hand until he held my hand and said, "Babe, I know this was a promise ring and I wanted to get you something nicer before I did this, but everyone thinks it's an engagement ring, so I figure I'll make it official. Babe, if we get married, it can benefit us all. I'll get more money in the military and you can come with me. You'll have insurance and the military will pay for housing and stuff."

The proposal was more like a contract with terms, so it didn't really hit me like he was proposing to me.

"Babe, I know you have been through a lot, hell, we both have been through a lot. Do you know how hard it is to have a normal life with you gone? What happens if you get deployed or something? I understand you worry about me and all, but I have been taking care of myself pretty well."

"Babe, I'm not asking you to give me an answer now." He put the ring on my left hand. "But let's just enjoy our time together and we can talk about this some more later."

That was just what we did the rest of the weekend. We never spoke about marriage or anything, but everyone automatically called me his fiancée during the graduation and every time we met up with his navy friends. At one point he even introduced me as his fiancée and I never corrected him. I guess deep down inside I wanted to be normal, I wanted to have a new plan, and I still had my dad's words in my head.

## **  
**

##  ******You Are Your Father's Child...**

_Ring, ring..._ "Hello, this is JR."

"Hey, nig, what's up?"

"Hey, David, how is everything?"

"Haven't spoken to you in a while. What have you been up to? I thought you said you was coming back to Atlanta?"

"David, you tripping. I spoke to you like last week. Besides, I started this new gig and I have been so busy. I'm trying to come back down in a few months."

"Bet, that works for me. Maybe you'll be down here for my birthday."

"That would be nice, but I need to double-check with Johnny. How old are you turning, old man?"

"Funny, but wait, who is Johnny?"

"Calm down, he's just my stage manager for the concerts I do at Civic. No, for real, how old are you going to be?"

"You don't remember."

"No, I don't remember, I have other crap on my mind. I'm lucky if I remember my own age."

"You can't remember your own age because your ass has been lying about it for two years now."

Damn, I hate the fact that this boy knows me so well. "Oh, shut up. I'm twenty-five."

"Yeah, you have been twenty-five for about two years. Wasn't you twenty-five when I met you?"

"No, I was twenty-three when I met you. Anyway, what are you planning on doing for your birthday?"

"Shit, you come down here, I'll have a whole other plan."

"Oh, really?" I said in a very sexy voice.

"Yeah, I can see it now. You coming over to my house on my birthday in some red panties, no, no, boy shorts and a matching bra, oh, and matching red shoes."

"That sounds good, but I don't even own red shoes." Why was I lying? First of all, I had like three pairs of red shoes, and second, why couldn't I just say I didn't think we should talk anymore, I was going to make this work with Toni. That sounded so easy to say, but why could I only say it in my head?

"You have plenty of time to find red shoes. I know how much you like to shop. We don't even have to have sex, I just want to see you and hold you in my arms."

Okay, I had to stop this now; this sounded pretty good. "You know I can't even do that."

"Is it because of that dude? What's his name again? Oh yeah, Toni," David said before I could even answer. "I thought you said you guys was going through some things."

Damn, why did I even tell him all about my and Toni's business. "Yeah, that was over six months ago, but just like any relationship, we're trying to work through it."

"Do you love him?" David asked in a low voice.

"What kind of question is that? Of course I love him. You know this already."

"Yeah, I do, but have you told him about us yet?"

"Told him what?"

"You know? That you still communicate with me almost every other weekend and you come over to my house and stay with me every time you're in town."

"First of all, I don't stay with you every time I'm in town. I only stayed one night two different times, and come on, don't throw that back to me."

I felt bad, but David was right to bring it up. I couldn't be mad even though I never did anything during those nights I stayed at his apartment. In my mind, I didn't think anything was wrong with my stay. Naturally I didn't tell Toni, as he thought I was just staying at Angela's house.

"Did you tell him that we kissed in my bed?" David said, interrupting me from my thoughts. "Did you tell him that we had dinner together and that you still have feelings for me?" David's voice was so harsh and emotional by the time he finished what he had to say.

David was making me feel bad, but at the time it wasn't even like that. David and I continued to have dinner the first night every time I flew into Atlanta for work. I lied to both Angela and Toni, as Angela thought I wasn't getting in until the next day when I stayed at David's apartment, and Toni thought I stayed at Angela's.

After my first time working with Johnny and really talking to David in the car, we started talking off and on almost weekly. I really confided in David during those months after Toni told me about the navy and during his boot camp. David was a real friend, he allowed me to speak to him about my feelings with no judgment, he even told me about a few dates he went on, and we just laughed and enjoyed our newfound friendship. I wasn't going to lie, deep down inside I wished it was more, but I figured it was just me missing Toni, and David was a great substitute.

He never pressed for anything, not even a kiss, until the last time I was in town. Everything was normal like the other times, but because it rained, we decided to order in dinner and rented a movie. I was in my nightclothes, which were some yoga pants and a wifebeater, and he just had on some basketball shorts and a tank top. We sat about four feet apart as I had his throw blanket around me and he asked if I was still cold. I was always cold, so naturally I said yes. To my surprise instead of turning up the heat, he came closer and held me in his arms as we watched the movie.

Needless to say the movie was over and I felt so comfy that we ended up staying in each other's arms as we talked. I almost forgot we were friends, and one thing led to another and he just said, "I miss this, I miss you," and I said, "I do too," and the next thing I knew, he kissed me. It was only for a few seconds and then I stopped it. He apologized and we went off to bed. Yes, we slept in the same bed but respected each other's space, and outside of cuddling in bed as we fell asleep, nothing happened. I would often wake up early and he would get up as soon as I left the bed, and we made breakfast together and that was it. I left, and we did everything over again when I came back down, which was about five times total (minus the kiss, of course).

"David, what are you doing? You know I haven't told Toni all of that. I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings. You know I enjoy your company, but shit is complicated," I began to say as tears began to flow out of my eyes.

"David, I am so sorry, but I'm in love with Toni. I want to be in love with you, but I'm not. I'm trying not to be hurt by you anymore. We've been back and forth for years now, and it just doesn't work. I can't explain why, but you know it just doesn't. I don't know what to tell you or do. You know I have feelings for you. My life is very complicated right now."

"I'm sorry, J. I didn't mean to do that, please stop crying. You're making things complicated, J, it doesn't have to be. What is so complicated? Just move back down to Atlanta and we will live happily ever after. Doesn't that sound nice?" David said, trying to bring a little humor into this dry and emotional conversation.

Damnit, I hated it when he said stuff like that. "That sounds very tempting, but..."

"But what?"

"We'll talk about it later. I have to go." I was trying my best to hang up the phone before I said something that I might regret.

"Okay, JR. I guess we'll pick up this conversation a little later on."

"Okay, thanks. I'll talk to you later."

As the phone died, so did the inside of my heart. "What am I doing?" I said to myself. This shit wasn't supposed to be this hard. I needed to let go of David and move forward with Toni. But what if I was making a big mistake. I needed some help. I needed a sign or something. I didn't love David like that, I wished I did, but I didn't right now. This should be easy just to cut him off. "Just stop picking up the phone when he calls or answering his texts when he texts. Stop going to his apartment and making time for him." That was easier said than done. I began to feel sick. My stomach felt like it was in knots. This wasn't fair to either one of these guys.

I didn't know what it was about David. He was so smooth and he didn't even know it. I got butterflies in my stomach when I was around him or when he communicated with me, through texts and phone calls. But he could be a little inconsiderate sometimes. Toni I'd learned to love with space between us. Toni was a good guy and he loved me and I loved him dearly. You would think the feelings I had for Toni should be enough to keep me from communicating with David. But it didn't. I actually looked forward to his weekly phone calls. His voice was my getaway. I swore I lived a double life. I hated it, but it felt so good.

"You are your father's child," I said to myself, but as the words came out of my mouth, I began to feel the pain my father caused my mother and my family from cheating. I began to cry because I realized now what I had to do. I didn't want to be like my father, I always said _I was my father's daughter_ , but Toni was so insecure he made this statement reflect my father's personal life not his work ethics. I took out my phone and began to call David back, but the coward in me decided to text him.

Toni asked me to marry him before he left. I just thought you should know.

That was all I said. I put my phone on vibrate, closed my eyes and cried myself to sleep.

***

The next morning, I awakened to a red flashing light on my phone. I knew exactly who it was. I had just dropped a bomb on David. I felt guilty telling David about me and Toni the way I did. But I had no balls; I felt it was sometimes better to write things down. That and the fact that I was just an emotional wreck both on the phone and in person with him.

I began to think about the lame text I sent him the night before. I had four new texts. "Damn," I said out loud while searching through my phone to retrieve the messages. Why was I so nervous? This was what I wanted. I wanted David out of my life, out of my relationship, out of my mind. Shit didn't work out between us then, and it sure ain't going to work out with us now.

Wow, so what are you going to do? Wow, that is amazing.

What are you going to say?

I guess this means you're going to say yes, since you're not texting me back.

Look, man, if that nigga makes you happy, then cool. Marry him.

Damn, I knew he was hurt, he never called anybody black a nigga, he just always said nig. Man, should I call him. I thought he deserved a phone call. I couldn't expect to forget about him like this. I needed a cleaner way out. Well, it was way too early to call anybody; I guessed I would call him later tonight. That was if he would talk to me.

The rest of my day was hard. I was trying to get David off my mind and find the guts to call him back. It was almost one p.m. and I had been coaching myself on this call for hours. I picked up the phone and finally decided to call him.

With every ring, my heart skipped a beat.

"Hello," David answered as if he was also dreading my phone call.

"Hey, I wanted to call because I felt like I owed you that."

"Look, sweetie, you're a great woman with a lot to offer. You got a good man who cares about you and you him. Move forward with him and let our memories be just that. Start your own traditions and take that chance on building what everybody wants with a person who wants you. I care about you enough to step aside, leave you alone and let it go. Yeah, it sucks, but you deserve to be happy with Mr. Antonio. I will miss our time together, but I respect you enough to allow you to be happy with or without me."

That was all he said, and just like that, David was out of my life.

## **  
**

##  ******Does This Mean What I Think It Means?**

"Hey, honey, how is school?"

"It's cool, I'm learning so much. How is the movie going?"

"Man, it's great. I have a real office and the crew is super chill. I'm pretty happy. I'm making money, saving money and enjoying everything."

"I'll be done in two weeks; then I come home before I head off to Norfolk."

"I still can't believe you got orders in Norfolk, Virginia. I was hoping for something better, like New York or Atlanta."

"I know, babe, but like I said, it's only for a few years; then we may get stationed in another cooler place. I'm a newbie, so I didn't realize I didn't have many options, but Norfolk won't be too bad. It's pretty close to both Atlanta and New York."

"I think it's funny we had our first official weekend away in Virginia and now we're moving to Virginia."

"Well, babe, you know you can't officially move in with me and reap the benefits unless we get married. I know we haven't talked much about it, but we pretty much need to talk."

"I know, babe, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and the past is the past and I'm ready for the future," I said, speaking of my last conversation with David without Toni realizing it.

"So, babe, does this mean what I think it means?"

Ever since my last call to David, my head had been clearer, and Toni and I had been doing really good. I'd been working, making money, and Toni was doing his own thing, so I thought I was ready for the next chapter.

"Yeah, babe, I think I'm saying what you think I'm saying," I said.

"You are about to make me the happiest man in the world is what I think you're saying. I'll be back in New Jersey in two weeks; we can plan out the next step when I get up."

"Well, a wedding takes a lot of time and money, but I guess we can iron out the game plan when you get in."

"Well, babe, I don't know much about planning a wedding, but I was thinking of doing a quick wedding to just get you on some of these documents. Then maybe we can plan a bigger wedding down the line."

I had to pause for a second because I'd never thought about any of this. I didn't even think about a wedding a year and a half ago, so I really wasn't the type of girl who needed this fairy-tale wedding. I was actually okay with a courthouse wedding for the time being. Not to mention I didn't tell anybody about this "proposal." It was crazy, the only person I kind of told was David, and we didn't even talk anymore. I hadn't even told Angela. She knew me like a book, and I thought she knew something was up.

***

Toni was finally back in New Jersey and it was great to see him. I had a much-needed weekend off from the movie, but of course, I was on call. I was happy to spend some quality time with Toni since we spent so much time apart. I kind of liked our new arrangement. The military had him for a few months, which built up some space and distance between us, which allowed us to miss each other; then we would be in the best place when we finally did see each other.

"Hey, babe, when is your next day off?"

"I don't really have one. I'm supposed to have a half day next Thursday. Why, what's up?"

"I've been doing some research and we can get married any time after we apply for our marriage license. The courthouse is like ten minutes away, so maybe we can go on Thursday and get more info."

"Why don't you get the info before Thursday so we can talk about our options? I know you're bored during the day while I'm at work."

"Okay, that sounds like a plan. I can't wait to call you Mrs. Hall."

I just smiled, as I was taking this whole marriage thing so nonchalantly and he was more excited than I was about this whole thing.

We enjoyed the weekend, which was full of take-out food and some really good sex. My mind was clear now that I had work and didn't have to worry about money since Toni was bringing in a steady paycheck and was paying the mortgage, which was very helpful. I finally felt in a happy place.

Toni even surprised me with a special bedroom gift, a new dildo; this one was called the butterfly and was designed especially for me and my clitoris. However, it was more of a solo toy than a couple's toy even though one would say my neon dildo was also a solo toy. The butterfly had a mini vibrator inside, wings and elastic straps to strap around my legs. At first I wasn't feeling it because I missed my neon dildo and I wasn't ready to part with it, but once I learned the butterfly's tricks, I was hooked. Toni even figured out a way for it to become a couple's toy. He would strap it on me, lift up my lips to expose my clit, and pushed the butterfly directly on it and then finger me at the same time. It was crazy; then he would replace his finger with his manhood and sex was amazing all over again.

My life was finally in balance and I was in a happy place, Toni and I even made it down to the courts and got married. We ended up using a nearby couple as our witnesses for our courthouse wedding because he didn't do his research and realize we needed a witness. We were also witnesses to their wedding, so it kind of worked out.

It was official. I was Mrs. Hall now and no one knew besides Toni and me. Days before he left to go to Norfolk, I finally made the announcement that we were engaged. Everyone was happy, of course, because my life was looking pretty good. I had almost everything back in order, my movie was great and was about to wrap up, and I got signed on for another indie film, which was only six months long, and I was happy.

Toni and I lived our first eight months of marriage apart. He would come to New Jersey to hang out with me when he had time off, or I would go down to Virginia. He was staying on base, so we had to stay in a hotel when I visited, but I didn't mind because we made it a sex game and it was kind of cool.

I often felt bad because I understood this was not a true relationship since we lived in two different states and kind of lived two separate lives, but it worked for us. Well, at least it worked for me, since I never really asked Toni how he felt about the whole thing.

## **  
**

##  ******I Moved For You...**

"Hey, babe, when are you coming down?"

"Babe, I'll be there on Thursday. I wouldn't miss our last chance to say good-bye. I can't believe you're going on a deployment."

"I know, babe, I was hoping this wouldn't happen, especially so soon," he said, referring to him only being in the navy and in Norfolk for six months before going on his first deployment.

"I'll be there in a few days, but it works out great because I start my next movie in a few days and it's six months long, so I'll stay pretty busy while you're gone."

"Then what?"

"What do you mean then what?"

"Babe, I haven't said anything, but I'm not comfortable with this 'arrangement.'"

"What arrangement?" I said, playing dumb.

"Babe, we've been married for almost eight months and we live in two different states and only see each other like one or two times a month. When are you going to move to Norfolk?"

I knew this topic would come up sooner or later, but I guess he had a right to ask. I was his wife and he was my husband.

"I don't know, babe?"

"I moved for you, so it's only natural you move for me?"

_Wow, really? You moved for me?_ I thought to myself. I couldn't believe he was bringing this up again. He still didn't know I knew he got fired from his job in Georgia and that was the real reason why he moved to New Jersey because he had like no place to go. I visited Jonathan a few months ago and he said Toni still hadn't reached out to him to say anything. It was like they just stopped being friends. Jonathan said he didn't even care anymore. At first he was pissed because he found out Toni not only skipped out on the rent but also on two of the bills he was responsible for that were in Jonathan's name, so Johnathon got stuck with the bills and the late fees.

Besides, unlike Toni asking, I never asked him to move for me. I was just starting to establish my career in New York/New Jersey and hadn't had a need for a tax job these past few months. I felt happy and everything was lining up for me.

"Babe, all I'm saying is I miss you and want you to move down to Norfolk when I get back. Maybe you can start looking for a home and we can buy a house. I know you've been saving money and I get separation pay while on deployment, so it's extra money. We can use this money towards a new house. I will trust your judgment and you can look while I'm gone. I just want out of base when I get back. Maybe you can even start planning our wedding."

I understood what Toni was saying and had to respect it. We had been living two different lives, and as much as I enjoyed it, I knew he wasn't happy with it all.

"I understand, babe, and yes, I'll take the time away to restructure everything and start to make my move to Norfolk," I said with a heavy heart.

"Okay, this means you won't find any more work in New York or New Jersey, and you'll find a tenant to rent the house, and move to Norfolk," he said as if he needed to explain all of the steps I needed to do to make it happen.

"Yes, babe, I'll make it all happen before you get back." It was easier said than done, but I was willing to try my best to make it happen.

***

Man, I was ready to get this deployment over with. Everyone was driving me crazy. This was his first deployment, but everyone was telling me scary stories of the experience. I even spoke to a few of the wives, and they began giving me their rundown on everything. Telling me how a deployment changed the guys, but I didn't listen to them, as Toni and I were solid and had been apart off and on for so long we would be fine.

"Are you ready?" Wendy, one of the navy wives, said to me has we all waved good-bye to the ship as it began pulling off.

"Ready for what?"

"You'll see," she said as she smirked and walked away with her three kids.

I was not the typical navy wife. I had a career, I didn't live in Norfolk, and I didn't have any kids. It seemed as if most of these ladies didn't have much of an identity outside of being a navy wife. That was not me, so I hoped Toni wasn't expecting me to be a real navy wife when he asked me to relocate my life to Norfolk to be with him.

I felt like an outsider with these ladies as I walked by myself back to the car until one wife ran over to me.

"Mrs. Hall? Are you Hall's wife?"

"I am and you are?"

"Hi, I'm Natalie, John's wife."

I felt bad because I didn't know who John was. As a matter of fact, I didn't know anyone from the ship. They all knew me, but I didn't know any of them. I heard a few names, but they all were called by their last name, so I really didn't know anyone's first name.

"It's nice meeting you. Hall said this was your first deployment. This is my third, so if you need anything, let me know."

"I'll be fine, thanks," I said, being antisocial.

"Hall said you're looking to buy a home and move down soon."

I hated that this chick was in my business already, so I stopped and spoke more in detail to hear her out. Since she knew about me and I knew nothing about her, I was trying to be polite to my new city.

"Yeah, Toni wants me to make my way down to Norfolk to get settled and stuff."

"I'm a real estate agent if you need help finding a house."

I was a little shocked because I'd never met a navy wife who had a job, let alone a career, since I'd been in Norfolk.

"Shocked I have a career?" she said as if she were hearing my thoughts.

I just laughed. "I'm new to this whole thing, so I'm just trying to get adjusted, and most of the other wives are so different from me," I said, trying to be nice about the other ladies.

"Not many wives work, as the guys make enough money to support them or they have kids and stuff to take care of when the guys leave. I have a daughter myself from my first marriage, and my ex-husband and I share custody, so I can work and have support when the guys are gone, unlike most of the other women."

"Oh, okay."

"Have you thought about the area?"

"To be honest, I haven't thought much about any of this place, but I have the rest of the day, so I was planning on driving around to check out my surroundings."

"Would you like some company?" Natalie asked.

At first I just wanted to say no, please go away, but I decided to be nice and said, "Sure, that would be nice if you have the time."

"My daughter is with her dad, so I'm just chilling all day."

Natalie and I spent the whole afternoon together, our first stop was to the NEX, which was located on base and was my first time going. She gave me the tour of everything, the best places to eat, buy drinks and things to do both on and off the base. Natalie was very helpful and even cleared up some misinformation Toni gave me over the last few months about the navy. She even helped me understand why everyone kept saying the guys come back different after a deployment.

I felt bad after hearing about the living conditions Toni and the guys had to go through over the next six months, so I could understand the change in the guys after a tour. Natalie and I became very close and she even helped Toni and me find a home in Portsmouth, which was like twenty minutes from base.

Since I had two houses already and worked freelance, she advised us to use Toni's credit to buy a house. Since I had power of attorney, I had permission to pull up Toni's credit, and to my surprise, Toni had all kinds of crap on his credit.

"Hey, babe."

"Hey, JR, how is everything going? Have you gotten my letters?" Toni asked, referring to his letter about the phone being bugged so we couldn't talk in detail.

"I did and I understand. Natalie is helping us find a new house, so I pulled your credit and found a few interesting items on it."

"Why did you pull my credit?" Toni said very angrily.

"Babe, I told you last week I was going to pull it to see how much we can afford. I can't use my credit to buy a house since I already own two houses, and you told me this was fine and you trusted my judgment."

"So you think you're better than me?"

"Wait, what are you talking about?"

"Look, I'm tired of you and that stick up your ass, thinking you're better than me. I get it, I don't own a home and you own two, so what?"

"Okay, I'm going to hang up now because you're tripping and I don't understand what is going on with you lately."

"Fine, hang up, then," he yelled as he hung up and the phone went dead.

I was shocked because the last few times we had spoken, he'd gotten worse and worse. It was only three months into this six-month tour and I was trying to understand this madness, but Natalie had prepped me for this kind of behavior, as the first tour hits the guys so hard. I was hoping Toni was stronger than this, but it looked like he was so far gone and there was nothing I could do about it. It hurt, as his words got more hurtful as time passed, and even his letters started to be out of character. He would often call when they got off the boat and apologize and talk about how crazy everything was and say he was trying.

Because I was still working, I found ways to stay busy and not think about Toni, but my movie was wrapping up in a few, which meant I had less than six weeks to get my life together in Norfolk. I didn't want to make a decision on the new house until Toni got back, so I decided to sneak away to Atlanta before my life officially changed and Toni came back and I became a real wife in Virginia.

## **  
**

##  ******Closer to Atlanta...**

"Hey, Angela, I'm here. How far are you?"

"I'm right around the corner, will be at Chow Baby's in like two minutes."

"Alright, I'm ordering a glass of wine, do you want one?"

"Look at you, are you driving?"

"Yeah, I'm driving. I've switched to wine since it doesn't affect me at all, so I can enjoy two glasses without any issues."

I learned about my tolerance for wine during my dinner dates with David.

"Oh, okay, I'm parking. I'll see you inside." Within seconds Angela was joining me at the table. I gave her a hug and we picked up like old times.

Angela and I enjoyed dinner and talked for over an hour. I finally came clean with her about everything. I told her everything about David, Toni and my new life in Norfolk. She was shocked to hear about my and David's "friendship" and even more shocked to hear Toni and I got married.

"Why did you keep all of this from me?"

"I don't know, I was embarrassed, confused and lost," I said as tears started to well up in my eyes.

"Don't cry. I would never judge you and I'm happy you're happy. Toni is a great guy and I know how you felt about David, so I'm glad you found an exit from him. You said your life is back on track, so you'll be fine in the end. I know Norfolk is new, but it is closer to Atlanta," Angela said, trying to cheer me up.

I loved Angela; she was always my biggest supporter no matter what crazy mess I got myself into.

_Ring, ring._ I looked down and saw Terry calling me.

"Hey, I have to grab this." I excused myself from the table to talk to Terry.

"Yo."

"Where you at?"

"At Chow Baby's with Angela. Why, what's good?"

"I thought you was coming out with me tonight?"

"Relax, I'm still coming, but it's only nine p.m., since when do you go out this early?"

"Oh, you got jokes. What time you coming down?"

"Maybe like eleven or so. Why, what's up?"

"Nothing, man, I'm just asking."

"Oh, okay, well, let me finish up dinner and I'll hit you up later."

"A'right, one."

Terry had been mad at me because I'd been in town a few times in the last year and really hadn't been chilling with him. Mainly because I worked on Saturdays and hung out with David on Thursdays and/or Fridays.

Toni knew I was close with a lot of male friends, but I started to distance myself from them because he said he never trusted any of them. The navy had made him very jealous and sadly insecure. He would even check my emails from the boat because he knew the password. I had nothing to hide, really, so I pretended like I didn't know he was checking my emails. I couldn't even talk to him about some of my male coworkers without him blowing up on me about them and their "intention." I was also so confused, as I never had a reason not to trust Toni, but also since I was clueless about the people on the ship, I figured I was cool. I knew he was getting close to a shipmate named Felix. I was happy he and Felix could talk and stuff, as he always said Felix helped him stay grounded and always kept him in check. So I guess I owed this Felix guy dinner once they got back, for keeping him calm, even though I was scared to see him on edge if he didn't have Felix to talk to.

After Angela and I left dinner, I quickly touched up my makeup and headed back downtown to meet Terry. I missed hanging out with Terry, and believe it or not, I hadn't been out with him since his birthday party over a year and a half ago. This just wasn't the same and my mind was elsewhere, keeping in mind this was the first time coming to Atlanta and not hitting up David. I missed our time together. It wasn't anything physical, but the emotional connection we had was crazy and I missed it. I was itching to send him a text because I really didn't feel like going out, but I didn't do it. Terry kept bothering me to have a drink, but I kept declining. Outside of the two glasses of wine I had at Chow Baby's, I didn't drink anything else that night. After about an hour in the club I dipped out the back door without saying anything to Terry. I knew he would be upset, but I just wasn't feeling it, so I made my way to the car and I heard someone call my name.

"Yo, JR."

I stopped to turn around and saw David's best friend Adam running up to me. "Crap," I said to myself. "Yo, Adam, what's up?"

"Good. Man, D said you moved out of town. Are you back?"

"Naw, I'm just visiting."

"How are you doing? How's your girl Angela?"

"Man, she is good, everything is good." I smiled because after Angela went out on one date with him she was over him, as he only wanted sex from her and she wasn't that kind of girl.

"You leaving? Is it wack inside? I was just about to go in. Let me buy you a bottle of water."

I just smiled because it seemed like Adam remembered me pretty well. I used to ride with David, so I drank, but if he'd seen me solo, he knew I wouldn't drink.

"Thanks anyway, I was just heading out."

"Oh, okay, congrats, by the way. David told me you're getting married."

I just froze.

"You know my man was really feeling you, but he says he is happy for you."

"Is he really happy for me?" I said, giving him the look. "Look, man." I paused and said, "You know something, never mind. I'm out of here."

"Wait, what, tell me what you got to say."

"It's not important. Have a good night." I headed to my car.

"Come on, JR, don't leave me hanging," he yelled as I opened the rent-a-car's door and began to pull away, leaving him standing outside with his arms up.

I really couldn't do this now. Maybe coming to Atlanta wasn't a good idea, as my past was all around me and I couldn't seem to escape it. I needed a fresh start, so maybe Virginia was that fresh start I needed. I felt so sure in my mind for the first time in months.

I spent the rest of my trip checking on my townhome and my new tenant Shantal, my mother's rental property, which was now vacant since she had to evict her tenant, and did some shopping on the low. Then I was back home in New Jersey. I finally found a tenant (my aunt) and she was set to rent the top of my home in two weeks. I moved all of my things to the basement and made my way back to Norfolk. I figured instead of renting a U-Haul I could just leave my things in the basement and come back to pick them up when Toni and I really got settled in Norfolk.

I also needed to start planning my "wedding." I didn't know much about planning a wedding, so I convinced Toni to have a destination wedding in the Bahamas. I spent the last month before Toni came home planning the wedding and finding houses in Norfolk. Since Toni's credit was all over the place, I also spent the last month or so cleaning it up with the help of Natalie and the broker. We ended up having to pay off a bunch of creditors, which totaled up to five thousand dollars and still it wasn't good enough because of his low rank in the military, so we didn't qualify for the house. I was so depressed, but Natalie ended up helping me find a townhome to rent. I had to do everything on my own because the guys' ship was held up again for another two weeks. At least Toni would have a place to live and call home when he finally got back.

## **  
**

##  ******This is My New Life...**

Toni came back from the deployment, and things just weren't right with him nor us. First, he came back about twenty-five pounds heavier, but I found it funny because most of the other guys came back in better shape than they left. The apartment was nice and Toni was happy to get settled in. I remembered Toni making a comment last year about everything I had in the old house was mine and he felt like he didn't have anything. Which was correct, he didn't have any furniture when we met so, yes, everything in the house was mine. However, to start off on the right foot and to be fair, I sold all of my furniture in my basement in New Jersey and got all new furniture, so the house was truly ours.

Our new life in Norfolk was off on a better foot, and since I learned so much from Natalie about the changes in the guys, I was prepared. The time on the ship was hard on me and, of course, on Toni. He was so bitter and angry all of the time. It got to the point when I didn't even want to talk to him anymore, but most of the time I just listened on the phone when he called. I couldn't sound like I was having too much fun without him because this made things worse, so I often only spoke about my work and that was it. I didn't mention the nights out with the crew or with my old Macy's friends, the time Angela came to visit me, nor when I went to Atlanta or even when I visited Angela's family in Baltimore for the weekend. I kept it on the low, but I felt like I was keeping the peace in our relationship, so I felt it was a justified reason.

***

It had been almost a month since Toni got back from his first deployment. Every day was a challenge, but he was getting better day by day. He thanked me daily for putting up with his behavior during his deployment and was excited about our up and coming wedding. We ended up having a small wedding in Bahamas with only thirty-five guests, most of them were my family, as Toni said the guys couldn't get off work to come, but I found out from Natalie that no one wanted to come because he was such a jerk during deployment that he seriously had no friends and almost everyone hated him. I invited Natalie, but Johnny had forbidden her to go. She felt so bad and I was so embarrassed, but what could I really do or say about it. In the end, our wedding was nice and simple. It was funny, I was so nervous and scared about remarrying Toni because of his anger during the deployment. I wondered if I would have went through with marrying him if this was our real first wedding. There was no turning back, as we were just going to remarry so our family and friends would think it was our first wedding. Even though I believed many people already knew we were married, as a few wondered about my new life in Norfolk.

We'd been officially married for one year and two months since we got remarried on our one-year anniversary. At this point, I was feeling like a navy wife as I ended up picking up a part-time job at a local theater house and the pay sucked, so I relied heavily on Toni's salary. He knew this and used this to his advantage every chance he got. It drove me crazy. I was trying to play my role, but I felt like I was losing myself day by day with Toni. He was happy as the roles of the house turned, but I wasn't. I wished we had more of a balance in the household. I never pictured myself just working part time and barely having enough money to buy myself anything nice. Toni's salary paid everything, the rent, the car insurance, the food, even travel whenever we did travel. I was slowly going into depression, but Toni promised we would try again to buy a house next year, which I was happy about.

***

"Yo, Jamie," Toni yelled from upstairs.

"Hey, what's up?"

"What time are you going to work today?"

"I don't have to be in until twelve. I'm trying to pick up some extra shifts now that it's the summer and they're trying to do two shows instead of one."

"Oh, okay, well, I have to work late today and then I was going out with some of the guys after work."

"Oh, okay, have a good day. Wait, I may go on base and go to the gym, then, after work."

I often mentioned the gym because I was still trying to maintain my figure, but Toni ate all kinds of junk. He was now thirty pounds heavier than when we first met. To be honest, I wasn't really attracted to him anymore, and of course, he blamed his weight on the navy, saying he was depressed and all he did on the ship was eat. He wasn't on deployment anymore, and I once watched him eat a whole gallon of ice cream in one sitting while watching the game. I was so grossed out. Sex was also not the same; he barely cared about my pleasure anymore. I would pretty much just lie on my back and he would just insert his manhood inside of me until he came and it was done. A whopping three minutes. He would roll over and just fall asleep. I was so ready for more I would just go in the bathroom and masturbate until I felt satisfied. I still couldn't make myself cum, but a hot shower after masturbation felt so satisfying.

I made it to work and texted Toni to let him know I made it safely. However, I realized he never texted back or even called when I got off at six. This was strange, so I hoped he was okay. I decided to skip the gym and went straight home. I knew he said he was going out with the guys, so I called Natalie to see if Johnny was with Toni. This was a long shot because Johnny really didn't mess with Toni anymore let alone hang out with him, but they were on the same ship, so he was cordial with him.

"Hey, girl."

"Heeeyy, how are you holding up?"

"I'm good, I guess, thanks for asking," I said, sounding confused by the question. "Hey, I just got home and haven't heard from Toni all day. Do you think Johnny will know where he is?"

"Oh, you haven't heard?"

"What, heard what?"

"I don't think I should be the one to tell you."

My heart started pounding as I thought of the worst. "Oh God, Nat, what's going on? Is Toni okay?"

"Girl, I'm sorry, it's not my business; you need to talk to your husband."

"Talk to him about what? Please don't do this, Nat. Is there something wrong? Is Toni hurt or in trouble?" I demanded.

"Girl, please just talk to Toni. I got to go." She hung up the phone.

I was hot because I guess she knew what was going on and I didn't. I immediately called Toni and got his voicemail again.

"Hey, call me ASAP. I don't know what's going on, but I haven't heard from you all day," I didn't want to put Natalie on blast by saying she said I needed to talk to him.

Two hours went by and I left Toni, like, five more messages and ten texts with no reply. I was both nervous and upset. Finally, it was almost eight o'clock and Toni walked through the door as if nothing happened.

"What the hell? I've been calling and texting you all day."

"Hey, babe," Toni said, acting very nonchalant.

"What's up? I said I've been calling and texting you all day."

"Oh, my phone died," he said, but I knew it was a lie.

"What is going on, Toni? Please talk to me."

"Nothing, man."

"I've been calling and texting you all day, so I'm guessing something is wrong, and your phone was fully charged when you left the house this morning, so what is really going on?"

"Who have you been talking to?"

"What are you talking about?" I said, trying not to get Natalie involved again in our business.

"Look, man, it's not that big of a deal; I was running late for work this morning and left my phone in the car. I didn't have time to go back and get it, so when I went to go and get it during lunch to call you, I realized the car was gone."

"Wait, what?"

"I guess I parked too close to the red no-parking zone near the ship and they towed my car. It wasn't that big of a deal, but my captain got involved because it was some BS and that's it."

"So, did you get in trouble?"

"Not really, I had to catch a ride with Felix after work to pick it up. It cost like fifty dollars and that was it. By the time I got back to the car, the phone was dead. Felix and I ended up grabbing a bite and now I'm home."

"Why didn't you tell me this before? Why were you acting like nothing crazy happened today?"

"Man, I have other things to worry about at work, so I didn't think it was that big of a deal."

I was shocked by his final comment because he made everything a big deal. I didn't a hundred percent believe the story, but I let it go. The next morning I went out for a run and noticed the semi-ripped-off neon orange sticker on his car passenger window, which meant his car was towed. I felt bad for second-guessing him. I guess I'd caught him in so many lies it was hard to know what was the truth and what was a lie sometimes.

The next seventy-two hours, Toni was amazing. It was just like old times in every way. He came home right after work and told me I didn't need to cook, as he was taking me out to eat. He even had flowers delivered to my job one day. Our lovemaking was back to the way I loved it, all about me. I was getting nervous because Toni hadn't been this sweet and romantic in almost a year. I told Toni I had some running around to do after work and then I managed to meet up with Natalie before heading home.

"Hey, stranger."

"Hey, JR, how are you holding up?"

"I'm good. These last few days Toni has been amazing. I hope this keeps up."

"I would be nice to you as well after all of the drama."

I knew something was up and there was more to the story than just getting his car towed for parking in the wrong place on base.

"So what does Toni plan on doing now?"

"In what regard?" I asked with a confused look on my face.

"Girl, what did Toni tell you happened on Monday?"

I was hesitant to tell Natalie what Toni told me because I was guessing it was a lie and I was stupid enough to believe him.

"He told me he parked near the red zone and his car got towed on base, and Felix had to give him a ride to get his car."

"That bastard. Girl, let's sit down and talk."

I knew this wasn't a good sign. I trusted Natalie, so I was ready for anything.

"Girl, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but Toni is lying."

Johnny told Natalie everything and some things I told her about me and Toni, and it wasn't a secret that she wasn't a fan of his, so I knew this story would be as straight as it comes.

"So, Johnny said on Monday Toni was a no-show at work; then the captain got a call from the police. Girl, Toni got arrested for reckless driving."

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah, he was driving down Tidewater and you know they doing all of that construction on the road. He was doing forty-five in a twenty-five-mile-per-hour zone. The cops pulled him over, and because Toni has such a big mouth—sorry, girl."

"No, it's cool, you can continue," I said, sounding defeated.

"He mouthed off at the cops and refused to give the officer his registration and stuff, so the cops got suspicious and asked him to get out of the car. He continued to mouth off about knowing his rights and stuff, and then the cop called for backup and he got arrested."

By this point I was just crying as Natalie pulled her chair closer to me to console me.

"I'm sorry, girl. I hate to have to be the one to tell you this. Toni had one phone call and he called that bitch Felix and asked her to bail him out."

"Wait, Felix is a girl?"

"Yeah, that bitch is always on somebody's man. Johnny says her and Toni got pretty close during this deployment."

"Wait, what the hell does that mean?"

"I'm sorry, girl, this is all Johnny said. He hates to gossip and said he had his own shit to deal with on this deployment, so he really didn't pay attention. Anyway, I heard that bitch paid his fifteen-hundred-dollar bail when she picked him up. It looks like Toni had a few unpaid parking tickets and some stuff back when he lived in Atlanta. I don't know how the military didn't catch this, as they don't play with stuff like that. Needless to say, his car did get towed and he got in trouble from the captain and he has to go to court and stuff, and Johnny says he may lose a rank or get passed up for a promotion because of all of it."

I was sick to my stomach and didn't even know what to say. My head was spinning, as I just found out the "shipmate" Toni had been speaking about all of these months was a female, and now he lied to me when he got arrested and didn't even call me.

"Thanks, girl, for being honest with me. I really don't even know what to do anymore. I am so over him lying to me. I'm also hurt he called this Felix chick to bail him out. I'm his wife, for God's sake," I said as the tears came out of my eyes.

"I'm sorry, J. Maybe he was embarrassed to tell you."

"He has been so nice to me these past few days. I was getting excited, as I thought I was getting my old Toni back. He wasn't like this, well, at least he wasn't like this with me. I swear all of the signs were there and I just didn't want to be that girl and focus on all of the shortcomings he had. Now what?"

"I don't know, J, I don't know."

Toni called about three times while I was with Natalie as she talked me off the ledge. I was so lost and hurt by him and was trying to understand what the military would do because of this kind of situation. I didn't have any savings and pretty much gave up my life back in New Jersey for this new life in Norfolk. I had nothing to fall back on. Toni was the breadwinner of the house, and I truly felt like I was backed into a corner. I hated being backed into a corner, so I needed a way out.

I finally got myself together and made my way home. Toni must have known something was up, especially when I gave him one of his BS answers to why I didn't pick up the phone.

"Oh, sorry. I left it in my purse while I was out shopping."

"Oh, okay, what did you buy?" he asked, trying to be interested in my day when he could care less about me shopping or what I bought in the past.

"Oh, nothing, I pretty much just window-shopped."

"One of these days, babe, you won't have to window-shop anymore and you'll be able to get everything you want."

"That would be nice," I said as I walked upstairs, emotionless.

Toni followed behind me like a lost puppy. "Do you want to grab dinner?"

"Naw, I'm not hungry. I just want a nice hot bath and then I'm off to bed."

"I can draw you a bath if you like? Or maybe help you relax after your bath," he said, talking with his eyes, but I played dumb, so he ended up looking dumb.

After my hot bath, I was truly relaxed and really just wanted to cry myself to sleep. I got into bed when Toni was downstairs and I guess his conscience got the best of him.

"Hey, babe. I need to talk to you?"

"What's up?"

"I'm sorry, I can't lie to you and I feel horrible."

"What now?" was all I could say.

I watched as Toni finally came clean about what happened on Monday, but I was lifeless and showed no reaction. I didn't even care anymore even when he started to cry.

"JR, I love you so much, but I don't know why I keep doing this to you. I keep putting you through all of this. All I want is the best for you. I want to make you happy. Are you happy?"

This was the age-old question, and at this point in my life, the answer was simple. _I wasn't happy._

However, since I really didn't have a leg to stand on, I didn't want to bite the hand that fed me, so I just said, "Toni, I really can't answer that right now. I am very hurt and I'm having a hard time trusting you. You have lied to me so much and I forgave you every time, but this lie not only affects you, but it affects me and now your career."

"Babe, I know, I know I messed up, but I promise I'll make this right."

I was so over that statement; he said that every time and nothing changed.

Toni honored my request of needing some time and he slept on the couch for two nights as I gathered my thoughts and found him a lawyer to help us with this arrest and fines. The lawyer cost nine hundred dollars, plus he had to pay back Jessica. He was found guilty, but the judge went light on him and only fined him eight hundred dollars plus points on his license. The military wasn't so nice; he ended up losing his bonus and the promotion that he was eligible for.

I was still pissed but allowed Toni to make his way back into our bed, as he was truly on his best behavior for the last three weeks. However, I knew it wouldn't last. Toni knew I was one foot out the door and he was trying his best to make this work. He came home like clockwork after work. He even got lucky a few times, but I still didn't trust him, so my guard was up until I figured out my personal game plan on what I would do next.

## **  
**

##  ******This Can't Be Happening...**

It'd been nine months since Toni got arrested, and so far, things were going much better. He was actually doing better and even took me on a surprise trip to Dominican Republic. I never asked if he paid back Jessica, but I had been checking the accounts regularly, and outside of the court fees and the lawyer, we still had our savings, which wasn't much. However, since Toni wasn't hanging out with his friends, I guess we had enough money for this much-needed trip. I also was saving every dime I had from my little part-time gig and was picking up overtime left and right. Toni had nothing to say, but he noticed I worked more hours and I stopped buying extra clothes and going to the mall.

I thought my life was starting to get back to normal again, but then my period was two weeks late.

"Hey, JR, is everything okay?"

"Natalie, I need your help. Can you please stop at CVS and pick me up a pregnancy test? I've been throwing up all morning and I haven't had breakfast yet."

"Say no more, I'll be right over."

Natalie came over in a matter of minutes, like she had a kit in her hands and was waiting for my call.

"Hey, that was fast."

"I live eight minutes from you and I always have a few tests lying around. You know we get free tests and other meds from base?"

"Up until now, I had no need for a test, but thanks for the heads-up." I took the box and went into the bathroom.

"Hey, J, it's been like ten minutes, is everything okay?"

I didn't say anything, but Natalie heard me sobbing in the bathroom and demanded I open the door.

"Come on, J, come outside. We will get through this," she said as if she knew the answer to the test already.

I slowly unlocked the door, and with tears in my eyes, I just walked out of the bathroom. Natalie ran inside and looked at my positive pregnancy test on the bathroom floor.

"Oh, JR, I'm sorry."

This was supposed to be a happy moment for anyone but me. My marriage was still unstable, and I personally didn't want kids. I was just at a loss for words.

"What are you going to do?"

"I can't do anything. This can't be happening. I don't believe in abortions." I paused for a minute and then thanked Nat for coming over and told her I would call her later.

I didn't know what else to do or say, but Toni would be home in an hour, so I figured I would just tell him and see what happened.

To my surprise, Toni was so excited; he thought this was the best news as he picked me up and spun me around in a circle and kissed my belly.

"I'm going to be a dad."

That night Toni was on his best behavior and treated me like a queen. I made my appointment to see the doctor, but Toni wasted no time telling everyone. The doctor confirmed I was four weeks along. I was so depressed by the news, and to make matters worse, Toni just found out he would be leaving for another deployment in, like, a month.

I was so scared as the last deployment had been the worst. Toni was unbearable and I didn't think I could take that. Toni kept saying this baby gave our relationship hope and gave him purpose. But deep down inside, I wasn't at all happy. I wanted more for my life and I was scared.

I was now seven weeks pregnant and Toni was leaving for his deployment in three weeks. This deployment was only supposed to be six months, so he would be back just in time for the delivery. This helped a little, as most wives had to deliver on their own without the support of their husband. Toni even found out that he would get even more money in the military because of our baby, but I hated the fact he was that excited, as if this baby was a meal ticket.

Overall, things were going great. Toni and I made a trip to New Jersey to hang out with my mother and little sister. My mother liked Toni, as he was always a perfect gentleman in front of everyone. However, I started to feel a sharp pain in my side and I began to have hot flashes. I didn't know what was going on until I excused myself to use the bathroom. I started to scream as my mother and Toni ran upstairs to see if I was okay. I had blood all over myself and I didn't understand what was going on. My mother immediately called 911 and I was rushed off to the hospital.

After about three hours in the ER, I was placed in a room to relax. The doctor said everything looked fine still, as sometimes women could bleed during the early stages of their pregnancy. I was told to relax and make an appointment to see my doctor when I got back in town. The rest of the weekend, I was very careful. Even though I didn't want this baby, I was still going to be a mother and I was trying to be the best mother I could be to this little person growing inside of me.

During our drive back to Norfolk, Toni treated me again like a queen. He promised to be a better man and an even better father. He asked me to quit my part-time job so I could relax while he was gone. I understood the scare I just had, but I really thought I would drive myself crazy if I just sat at home and did nothing. He was leaving for his deployment soon, so I told him I would take it easy and maybe cut down on the amount of hours I worked.

It felt good to have him worry about me so much.

***

Two weeks before his deployment, I finally was able to see my doctor, but this time Toni came with me. During the checkup, I felt like something was not right. The nurse was very quiet and the doctor came in and asked to speak to us after the ultrasound. I felt something inside of me, and I didn't think the news was going to be good.

"Mr. and Mrs. Hall, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you had a miscarriage. It must have happened when you were bleeding and went to the emergency room. I know the ER doctor said everything was fine, but really it wasn't..."

I totally tuned out at this point; was this a blessing or a curse? I felt bad to be this happy not to be pregnant anymore, but I also felt horrible to not be pregnant anymore.

"Mrs. Hall, are you okay?"

"I'll be fine," was all I said.

"What causes a miscarriage?" Toni finally asked the doctor after he let go of my hand because of my reaction.

"A lot of things can cause a miscarriage; everyone's body is different. The first trimester of any pregnancy can be very difficult for some women."

"Thanks, Doctor." I immediately got up and was ready to go, but Toni was still sitting down and asked the doctor, "Can stress and working too much cause a miscarriage?"

The doctor looked at me as he answered Toni and said, "Every woman's body is different. Stress can cause a miscarriage, but again the first trimester for some women can be difficult, and a miscarriage this early in the trimester can be natural."

The ride back to the apartment was very quiet, as Toni said nothing and I just stared out of the window. I walked right into the house and still didn't say a word. I just walked upstairs and walked into the bathroom to take a shower.

I cried and cried in my hour-long shower. To be honest, I didn't really understand why I was crying. Was I upset that I had a miscarriage, was I upset Toni was going on another deployment, or was I just scared of what would happen now between Toni and me?

The night was all a blur as I just went straight to bed. The next morning Toni and I still didn't speak as he left the house and finally came back around noon.

"Hey, J," Toni said as he walked through the door.

"Hey."

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine, was a little shocked, but I'm fine."

"Well, you took it pretty easy yesterday. Are you happy you had a miscarriage?"

I was so shocked by his question.

"No, I'm not happy this is happening to me and my body. I was just shocked because the ER doctor said I was fine because he still saw the sack inside of me, so I thought we were fine. I've never been pregnant before, so I don't know how this all works."

"I went to my chief and requested to skip my deployment because of this loss, but they said no, I couldn't do it."

"Oh, okay."

"I really wish you took better care of yourself once you found out you was pregnant. You probably stressed your body out from all of the crap you do and lost the baby."

I was so calm in my reply to him, as I was just not in the mood for it. "Wow, so you're blaming me for this loss? Interesting."

"All I'm saying is you may have caused the miscarriage, have you thought about that?"

"Man, look, I've been doing a lot of thinking and research, and I'm not going to blame myself for the loss. A miscarriage in the early stage of a pregnancy is pretty standard. However, I told you from the beginning I had a blood clot on the outside of my uterus when I was in college and had to have surgery to remove the blood clot, so I was not expecting a very easy pregnancy. Since the doctor told me about the potential side effects."

"You also told me you didn't want kids, so I know you're happy."

"I can't believe you're doing this," was all I said as I grabbed my bag and keys and left the house.

I needed to be away from him, as he was so toxic and I didn't have time to deal with the verbal abuse. I got in the car and tears were running down my eyes as I called Natalie to talk.

"I can't do this, I just can't do this anymore," I cried on the phone to Natalie without even saying hello.

"Hey, hey, calm down, what's going on?"

"I can't do this anymore. I'm so sick and tired of him."

"What happened?"

"He's blaming the miscarriage on me, can you believe this?"

"Wait, what? You miscarried?"

The last few days had been so crazy, I forgot to tell Natalie about what happened.

"Yeah, girl." My tone got low. "I had a miscarriage."

"I am so sorry, I think? How are you doing?"

"I'm fine. I don't know if this is a sign from God, but I'm listening."

"Where are you? Come over to the house. Johnny is out for the evening."

"Thanks, girl, I'm a few blocks away."

As soon as I pulled into her driveway, she met me at the door. Natalie was such a great friend. I loved Angela, but I think deep down inside I was a little embarrassed about the direction my life was going even though Angela supported me no matter what. Besides, because Natalie was a navy wife, I felt like she understood the drama I was going through. The grass is always greener on the other side, as I knew Natalie's marriage wasn't perfect, but what marriage was. However, they had really good communication and I envied this.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm just lost and confused. I swear this is the story of my life this past year or so. I'm telling you, Nat, he wasn't like this. I know he blames the navy for everything, but it's not the navy. I feel like I was a fool and got caught up in love. I was trying to be something I'm not, and now I feel trapped in this marriage."

"Girl, you have options. What are you going to do? Why does he blame you for the miscarriage?"

"He asked the doctor if a woman can miscarry because of stress, and the doctor said yes, among other things. He now says my lifestyle of always staying busy made me have a miscarriage. I've been through so much, and this is why I try to eat healthy and live a healthy lifestyle. He knows this, yet he throws things in my face that he knows will hurt me. I hate to say this, but I am kind of happy I had a miscarriage. I don't want to do what my parents and many other parents do to their kids by staying in an unhappy relationship just for the kids. I want more from my life. I thought the navy was a better life for us, I trusted him and his plan for our future, but he is so angry and bitter and thinks the world owes him everything. It's kind of sad."

"This is crazy, I felt the same way with my ex."

"So how did you bounce back? What did you do? You and Johnny are so happy."

"Once I left my ex, I really took time to find myself and refocus my attention on me and my daughter. My ex is a great father but a horrible husband. I just wasn't happy and he knows this. Thank God he let me move on. Naturally he was upset and became an angry black man and I was scared, but you're a tough girl, so you'll be fine, just like I made it out."

As Natalie continued talking, I couldn't help but think of my life these past three years. Toni was amazing at first and we had some good times, but he was different now. I didn't know who he was anymore; I saw the asshole everyone warned me about. I had a future, a thriving career, a neat little townhome and a single-family home in an up-and-coming neighborhood in Newark. I was doing good; then I heard my father's words and decided to make a change. I loved my father and didn't understand why his words affected me so much. Maybe it was because I almost lost him and wanted to make him proud of me. In my parents' eyes, I graduated from college and had a good life, but I was missing a husband, so I followed their path for my life, not my own. But was my own path all about me and my career? Was this hard lesson with Toni a blessing or a curse?

After two hours at Natalie's home, I decided to go home and just face my reality.

Toni was sitting on the couch with a beer in his hands and ran to the door as I opened it.

"JR, I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me. I love you so much, you are my world and I don't want to lose you."

He must have been a fly on the wall at Natalie's home because I was thinking about leaving.

We spent the evening talking and I expressed my true feelings and how I was unhappy and feeling lost and confused. I told him I still loved him but couldn't continue to be abused by his words when he felt like being an ass. I was his wife and I felt like we were on two different chapters in a book. We both cried that night and Toni said he understood my concerns and had no real reason for the bad treatment. He tried to tell me about his childhood and how rough he had it growing up in a low-income household and not feeling supported by his family and having to "grow up too fast," but we all had a past and a story, so I didn't want to hear that. I wanted him to step up to the plate and own up to his behavior. I felt like I had been biting my tongue for too long and this was not like me.

I hoped change was coming, as this deployment would be a true testament to his behavior since he promised yet again to change and be a better man.

## **  
**

##  ******Hate Mail...**

This must have been a record, as it took Toni all of two weeks into his deployment to start acting like an ass again. This time it was even worse than last time, and he wouldn't even apologize for the hurtful words he often threw at me via phone, email or by mail.

Ring, ring.

"Good morning, Shantal," I said, greeting my tenant on the phone. "How is everything?"

"Everything is great. I have good news and bad news."

I first thought something bad happened to my townhome. Shantal had been living in this house for over two years now and she was a great tenant.

"Is everything okay?"

"Everything is great. I was calling to let you know I'm getting married."

"Congratulations."

"Thank you. I know this is a strange request, but I'm hoping to break my lease because my fiancé and I need to save some money for the wedding, so I'm moving in with him."

"Oh, okay." I didn't know how to react, as this house in Georgia took care of itself with the rent. I was able to start saving money again since there was always two hundred dollars extra per month, and with limited repairs needed, I was able to have a secret reserve fund of over two thousand dollars. Toni knew I saved the money from this house, but he never knew how much was being saved every month. I had to replace the water tank, which cost me three hundred dollars last year, but I didn't have to ask Toni for the money, so he knew I used the reserved money to replace it.

"I hope you're not mad. I have enough to pay the next two months and I'll be out by then."

Before I could say anything, she said, "I was hoping you could find a tenant during those two months, and I promise to clean the place before I leave and make it rent friendly."

"I'm not worried about that, but thanks for the heads-up. Can I get back to you by Friday with an update on everything? Maybe I can ask Angela to work out the details in my absence."

"Thanks so much, yes, yes, please keep me posted."

As I hung up the phone, I wondered if this was a sign from God. I had been going to church regularly and had been in a funk. So maybe some time in Atlanta could be helpful; maybe I could find work and get back on my feet while I figured things out.

***

October 1

Well, I haven't called in a while, but I wanted to write. A lot has transpired and a lot will continue to happen moving forward. To be honest, it's disturbing to see your behavior over and over again with you crying about this relationship. The navy has pushed us apart and is taking me places mentally I don't want to be.

You talk about you are your father's child and now you're going to church. Then you and Natalie go to some stupid wine fest. Some Christian you are...

I hope this letter upsets you because I am exhausted with you. I can't take it. I'm already on this ship, and I am almost certain that you don't realize how annoying you can be. I'm not stupid, you're the one that is stupid. You have nothing and you have to deal with your "boring" life now. You thought you was so much better than me when we first met and now look at you.

Don't think I don't know about your secrets. Johnny tells me you and Natalie talk all the time, but she is not your friend. You have no friends.

Maybe I shouldn't send you this letter because I am so pissed right now because Humphreys and Warner got us in trouble this morning.

Anyway, love ya.

The hate mail started just rolling in and I became defeated and so depressed after every letter.

October 6

Hey, you didn't pick up the phone, so I figured I'd email you. Why aren't you picking up the phone? I know you're at work, but you don't do shit anyway, so you can still pick up when I call. You know I have limited phone time.

You always put you first. I'm just tired. I was hoping for better from you while I was away. You always running around, this is why you lost your baby, if it was mine anyway. I'm not stupid, I see how you look at the guys on the ship. Remember, you are your father's child.

I'm getting things off my chest now while it is fresh on my mind. I'm glad everyone is helping you adjust, talking and hanging out with you, but what am I doing? Stuck on this damn ship with these assholes every day.

However rude this letter is, I hope it wakes you up. My trust in you is on shaky ground after you told me how you felt before I left. I know I promised to do better, but I just wanted you to stop crying.

Felix says women always cry for attention. Is this why you cry all of the time? If so, cut it out because you won't get any more attention from me. I'm tired of it. You try to be so tough in front of people, but you are so weak it's a joke.

Anyway, bye.

October 8

Well, I reread a few of my letters and started not to send it, but after I reread them I decided to let it ride. You have a lot on your plate, and you manage a lot of our responsibilities, I can't thank you enough. In the meantime while I'm gone, enjoy life, make it more about you and your goals and less about us. Right now I do not feel very confident in your behavior. I love you too much to cause you any more pain. It's painful feeling what I feel. I've prayed and prayed for guidance and assurance and I feel unrewarded because of you.

I really do not trust you. You are sneaky and seem to do things on the fly. You use pressure and people's emotions to get what you want. Everyone is against me on this ship and it's because of you running your mouth to Natalie about our business. You're making me out to be the bad guy and now everyone feels sorry for poor JR and calls me an asshole because of you.

I hope you're upset after reading this! I hope you sit down and think why something so innocent is so wrong. Why is Toni so cold in this letter, why is Toni disregarding my feelings? Why is he running me and my emotions into the ground? It's because I don't care anymore.

Anyway, thanks for the care package you sent, by the way.

Peace.

October 12

So I found out most military relationships end in divorce, I found that funny. This past month is just the beginning. I have five more months out here. So far I feel I can expect what most sailors are feeling: guilt, hurt and insecure or untrusting of their loved ones' actions. I don't feel good writing this letter, but I feel it needs to be said. Our journey may not be greater than the destination. Oh yeah, please send my ATM card back. I feel like you're spending too much money. I can see the accounts. I see you spent $35 last week in Macy's and another $62 in Walmart. Who are you spending all of this money on? You better not have no man in my home where I pay the bills. That will make you a slut.

Bye.

October 13

My love for you is still very present, but my trust is weakened. My commitment to you and this "relationship" is falling backwards. I might be wrong by being so hard on you, but I have to share my feelings. I see what these guys go through on this ship and I don't want that to be me. You always say your guard is up, but now mine is up.

I have to admit, I've been miserable these last few weeks, so I hope these letters don't hurt you too bad.

May God Bless you,

Toni

October 15

Well, I just got back from church and I sang, cried and prayed and worshiped, and I am not giving up on you, on us. I will allow things to take a normal course. I apologize only for allowing my displeasure to build up. I have been going through counseling per the chief's orders, and Felix and I understand I am not perfect, but neither are you.

We have been through a lot (I more so than you). However, with all the changes, we have yet to complete any real goals. I have more to say, but I figure I'll wait until I get to hear your voice again. It's been over two weeks and I miss hearing your voice.

Talk to you soon.

Over the next two and a half months the letters and emails continued. I thought I was going to lose my mind, as I was scared for my own life as Toni went deeper and deeper into purposely hurting my feelings and trying to weaken my spirits.

_What have I gotten myself into?_ I didn't understand what I did to make him so angry. Toni was a totally different man. Why was he so angry and bitter? Did he hate me and his life this much? I had a million thoughts running through my head. I felt like a walking mess, I would cry at the drop of a dime, I couldn't even concentrate at work. I felt depressed and became antisocial.

I had enough; I was so over this relationship and over being unhappy. I packed up my car, sent Toni one final email, and drove back to Atlanta.

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##  ******Good-bye Norfolk and Welcome Back to Atlanta...**

Hey Toni,

I hope this email finds you well. I'll try not to stress you out by being too emotional, but these last few months have been very interesting, and needless to say, I have been so unhappy it scares me. My tenant has moved out of my townhome in Georgia, so at first I was going to just drive down to check on everything. But I decided to drive down to refocus on me... yes, me. I can't do this anymore and I can't think of a better time to leave than now.

I don't know how this email will affect you. Who knows, I may be back when you get back to Norfolk. I will still continue to pay the bills back home in your absence.

Don't worry, I didn't take anything. I only took what was mine, which was my clothes (as much as I was able to get in the car) and a few kitchen items. I left the TVs.

Best of luck and peace,

JR

Check out book 2 in the

Jamie Reynolds Chronicles:

Secrets Revealed... The Beginning

Thank you for reading The Jamie Reynolds Chronicles, I hope you enjoyed _Lust & Lies_ as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please take a few minutes to leave a quick review. Even just a few words can help others decide if this book is right for them.

Thanks in advance

Casandra Charles

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##  ******About the Author**

Originally from Brooklyn, New York, with parents from Trinidad and Tobago. Casandra Charles graduated college with a BA degree in Mass Media Arts at Morris Brown College in Atlanta, GA, where she resided for many years and now has her master's degree in Adult Education.

Casandra always wanted to write a book but hesitated for many years, as she suffers from adult dyslexia. She never allowed her disability to hold her back on anything, and she finally completed her first book, Jamie Reynolds Chronicles: Lust and Lies, in 2015, Secrets Revealed in 2016 and now Pillow Talk in 2018.

She is the successful owner of Smell the Sunset, LLC, which is an umbrella company for Creative Encores, LLC, an event planning business, and What's Good USA, a Good News website that highlights good news from around the United States, and now her newest adventure, author.

Casandra loves to travel and explore and has a bucket list of places to visit a mile long. She lives by many mottos, but her favorite one is "Live Laugh Love," which is also tattooed on her left arm to remind her every day to Live today, Laugh often and Love always.

Stay Connected

www.JamieReynoldsChronicles.com

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**

##  ******Acknowledgements**

I wish to personally thank the following people for their contributions in inspiring years of memories, knowledge and other help in creating this book:

My parents, who raised me right and pushed me to want more for myself. My mom always said, "I would be the first millionaire in the family," and I carried these words throughout my life and work hard to make this dream come true.

Towanda, you have been by my side since 2003 and seen me at my best and worst moments, and without judgment you loved and supported me.

Gillian Felix (Plain Talk Book Marketing), for not only giving me direction but also the motivation to finally finish this book, and provided the guidance and connection to make it happen.

Pauline Nolet, my editor, I didn't think this was possible and was scared to send my book because of my disability, but you were a trooper and made the editing process very smooth and comfortable. I can't wait to work with you again.

My child/dog (Cudoz), for the unconditional love I get no matter what stage I'm at in my life.

Finally to all my true friends and family.

I am a stronger person because of you all, thanks for believing in me.
