One would think that space travel would finally
have been more or less figured out by the
24th century, which is when Star Trek: The
Next Generation takes place.
Before that, we had Captain Archer's Enterprise,
which was basically an experimental tin can
that Starfleet threw into space and hoped
for the best.
And Kirk's Enterprise…well, you had to deal
with the captain's mood swings.
"I'm alone!"
But after those guys, came Captain Jean-Luc
Picard's Enterprise.
He and his competent and capable crew gave
viewers dreams of slipping into some Lycra
leisurewear and voyaging to the farthest reaches
of space.
And maybe catching an all-nude Betazoid wedding
or two!
But truly, serving aboard the Federation's
flagship in any era would have been an unending,
living nightmare.
Seriously, if you got a job on the Enterprise,
you're not going to live long or prosper.
Sorry to burst your bubble.
Especially if your head is inside it.
Transporters are murder
Nothing is more iconic about the Enterprise
than her handy transporter system.
"Spin the control knob and press the button.
Mr. Spock disappears!"
Who needs a shuttlecraft when you can just
beam down to a planet's surface, and beam
right back up when the red shirts start dying?
But there's a reason that Doctor McCoy didn't
really want to zap himself through space.
"Oh no, they're forming."
Transporters work by breaking down each and
every one of your atoms, then reassembling
them on the other side using a pattern of,
basically, everything that makes you...you.
You're turned into energy, beamed through
space, and just reassembled somewhere after
effectively being torn apart on an atomic
level.
Philosophically… is that faxed version of
yourself still you?
And if you think about that question too much,
will you ever sleep again?
That's not even the worst of it.
Transporters are also terrifying
And what about the hundreds of transporter
accidents that seem to happen on a monthly
basis, ever since they were invented?
You might transport evil doppelgangers from
a parallel universe who take over your ship.
You might split into yourself into a nice
version and a nasty version.
Or even worse, you could be merged with someone
you don't really like.
You might be turned into a kid again.
You could accidentally have rocks and twigs
beamed into your skin and bones.
So, next time someone offers to beam you up?
Maybe you should just take the stairs.
Space is a nightmare
Picard's Enterprise was full of families,
working, living and making even more space-babies.
There were enough little scamps running around
to freak out Captain Picard.
But just because this version of the Enterprise
was more love boat than war vessel didn't
mean they weren't constantly warping right
into trouble.
And while we all saw the high adventure from
the perspective of the bridge, there were
a thousand men, women, and children just trying
to get through their stupid day without blowing
up.
Life in space is a nightmare.
And on any given Tuesday, your chief security
officer might develop a venom sac and start
spraying people in the face with it.
Or the ship's second-in-command might turn
into a caveman.
And you can't do anything but hide under your
uncomfortable space-bed with your whole innocent
family and wait for Data to figure everything
out.
You know, if the superpowered android isn't
the problem in the first place.
Yes, you get to explore the far reaches of
space, but you also get driven slowly insane
when a space-rift causes everyone on board
to go bananas.
Meanwhile, you're just trying to replicate
your family some dinner.
A family that no longer includes Mom because
she was turned into a Borg and wasn't important
enough to save because her last name wasn't
"Picard."
You live at your job
To live on the Enterprise is to never truly
have any time off.
Your boss lives right down the hall and you
have to listen to him practicing flute at
all hours, and it's very unlikely you'll get
a real break that won't be interrupted by
a Ferengi attack.
Let's hope you have plenty of contraband Romulan
ale stashed away somewhere, because you're
going to need a stiff drink after listening
to Riker play his stupid trombone at every
single staff birthday party.
And statistically, there would be about two
point seven birthdays every day.
Imagine wanting to just have a few minutes
to yourself, and instead having to answer
unending questions from Data about what it
is that makes you human.
There's always the holodecks, right?
Nope.
Those are horror machines also.
The holodecks are nasty
There's only one way to truly cut loose on
the Enterprise, and that's the holodeck.
Want to fight cowboys, or solve a mystery?
Well, just hit a couple buttons, and you're
there.
That is, if one of your superior officers
isn't bogarting the thing.
If you're a lowly ensign, something tells
us there's a six-month wait.
But you know what's really going on in there,
right?
Just look at Lieutenant Barclay, or Riker…
"If you need me I'll be in Holodeck Four."
Unless being a creep has been cured by the
24th century, we all know what those dirty
decks are used for.
And on Deep Space Nine, they didn't even try
to hide it.
"I've been waiting for you."
The real question is, whose job was it to
clean up in there?
Now that may be the worst gig in the galaxy.
But that's not the end of the holographic
horror show.
Holograms will mess you up
Holodeck malfunctions, like transporter disasters,
regularly made life on the Enterprise totally
bonkers.
You can get trapped inside, bleeding to death
because the safety protocols get busted, again.
You can get addicted.
Or a program you created can take over the
whole stupid ship.
Whether it's the sultry Minuet or Professor
Moriarty, there were plenty of characters
that started out as programs and ended up
being fully self-aware beings, which tends
to end pretty tragically.
"Will my wife and kids still be waiting for
me at home?"
"I honestly don't know."
That's how Picard says "hell no they won't."
These beings are given full, meaningful lives,
but they just get trashed whenever someone's
done using them, or so the next crewmember
can come in to play the Three Musketeers for
the afternoon.
So really, it's hard to blame them when they
try to destroy the Enterprise.
Even the ship's most genius engineer knows
that the holodecks were a complete disaster.
"We were like warriors from the ancient sagas.
There was nothing we could not do."
"Except keep the holodecks working right."
You don't matter
There's really no other way to put it: if
you're not a member of the senior staff, you're
basically space trash.
Just keep your mouth shut, keep your head
down, and press the buttons.
Then leave without a word when Data shows
up, and everything will be okay, right?
But even Picard's fish gets a name.
You don't.
At least the Borg will make you feel useful.
And if you don't have at least three circles
on your collar, or a fishbowl in the Captain's
office, you are expendable, and everyone knows
it.
Frankly, it's enough to drive a guy insane.
Even Will Riker found this out when he was
duplicated in a transporter accident and found
himself serving under, well, himself.
Within a couple of years, he became a straight-up
space terrorist.
And then….
There's that kid in the rainbow jumper who
basically outranks you because the Captain
feels kinda bad about maybe killing your dad
once.
"Sir, I know this may finish me as an active
ensign, but-"
"Shut up, Wesley!"
So, the Enterprise?
Picard probably said it best.
"It was a nice place to visit number one,
but I wouldn't want to die there."
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