In published excerpts
from her new book
entitled "What Happened,"
Hillary Clinton
blames Bernie Sanders
for causing lasting damage
to her during the primaries
that she says paved the way
for President Trump's
"Crooked Hillary" campaign.
Which brings us to a segment
we call "Hey!"
♪♪
Hey, Hillary Clinton!
Don't blame Bernie because
Donald Trump called you names.
I promise you he was
gonna do that anyway.
It's not like Trump
watched Bernie at the debates
and thought, "Criticizing
Hillary, that just might work."
And, hey!
You think Trump needed Bernie's
permission to be an asshole?
Assholes don't ask
for permission.
That's what makes them assholes.
And, hey!
Why are you wasting pages
on Bernie?
Do you think
he's gonna read this?
He's not!
First off, he's not a fan.
Second off, Bernie's not
paying $17.99 for a book.
That's like four and a half
chicken noodle soups.
"I'll read that book for free
when it's at my local library!"
And, hey, Bernie is not
the reason you lost.
You know how I know that?
You beat Trump
by 3 million votes.
[ Cheers and applause ]
If you want to blame
something ancient,
blame the electoral college.
We shouldn't be running the most
important elections on Earth
on a system designed
over 200 years ago
to appease slave owners.
If "American Idol"
ran their voting like this,
we'd all have a Sanjaya CD
in our cars.
And, hey, you're not president,
but that is not Bernie's fault.
He's the one guy you did beat.
Also he didn't tell you
not to go to Wisconsin.
He didn't tell you to do
paid speeches to Wall Street.
And he didn't write
this terrible joke for you.
-I don't know who created
"Pokémon GO."
[ Cheers and applause ]
But I'm trying to figure out
how we get them to have
"Pokémon go to the polls."
-Ugh!
That joke was so bad, people
stopped playing "Pokémon GO."
People heard that joke and went,
"Welp, back to 'Minecraft'."
You also said in your book
that Bernie's ideas were nothing
more than a pipe dream.
Hey, I'm not sure if you've
been paying attention,
but pipe dreams paid off great
in 2016.
Trump won by saying
he was going to build a wall.
You should have said you were
gonna build a stairway to heaven
or an escalator to Mars
that you were going to
make the Martians pay for.
And, hey, we are living through
a very dark time in America,
but there is also
an unprecedented opportunity
to pull Democrats and liberals
together
and to stand against the hate
and incompetence in Washington.
The best way to do this is to
get the people who voted for you
and the people who voted
for Bernie on the same page.
This isn't the time to complain
because Senator Woodstock
didn't roll over for you.
Hey, if anything, he helped
make you a better candidate --
you know, the candidate who beat
Donald Trump by 3 million votes.
[ Cheers and applause ]
This has been "Hey!"
♪♪
