

### Have Some Guts

written by Justin Langer

Copyright 2013

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this free ebook. You are welcome to share it with your friends. This ebook may be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete original form. If you enjoyed this book, please return to Smashwords.com to discover other works by this author. You will also find additional information about the author at the end of this work. Enjoy!

Smashwords Edition, Legal Notes

All characters, products and events appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

FADE IN:

EXT: PORTLAND, OREGON.

A red 1987 Chrysler LeBaron cruises down Interstate 205.

The grill is crushed into the radiator and the missing bumper exposes the car's rusted skeleton. The front windshield looks like it was recently torn off. Remnants of the black vinyl convertible roof flap in the breeze.

KENNY GEE wears sunglasses as he drives the battered car. He is 25 years old, has short hair and a larger than average nose.

CUT TO:

EXT: CADILLAC JACK'S GRILL AND BAR.

The red Chrysler pulls into a shaded parking spot in front of the restaurant. Kenny hops out of the car and walks towards the restaurant. He checks his watch.

KENNY

Right on, with time to spare.

While strolling into the restaurant, he raises his right hand and presses the button on his keychain remote. The car alarm BLEEPS twice.

CUT TO:

INT: CADILLAC JACK'S. LOBBY.

Kenny walks in and stands behind two BUTCH WOMEN next to the hostess podium. Both women are stout with short hair, and have RAINBOW tattoo's on their arms.

A young, naïve Hostess smiles blankly at them.

HOSTESS

Good afternoon, gentlemen. Two for smoking or nonsmoking?

BUTCH WOMAN #1

Excuse me? What the hell did you just say to us?

The Hostess expresses bewilderment for a moment.

HOSTESS

Oh, I am sorry. What was I thinking? We are no longer a smoking establishment. Nonsmoking it is, follow me guys!

The Butch Women express complete disgust.

BUTCH WOMAN #2

Fuck this, we are outta here.

They both turn and start to leave. The first Woman notices a tattoo on Kenny's arm.

INSERT: TATTOO

A rainbow connected by two capital letters, U and H.

BACK TO SCENE

The Woman speaks to Kenny.

BUTCH WOMAN #1

See what just happened? They are always discriminating against our kind. You don't hafta take this shit either!

The Women storm out of the restaurant.

Suddenly, a puzzled look crosses Kenny's face. He scrambles out of the door after the women.

CUT TO:

EXT: CADILLAC JACK'S.

Kenny points at the tattoo and yells to the women.

KENNY

Hey! No! I am not gay! I went to University of Hawaii.

BUTCH WOMAN #2

Whatever pal, go ahead and live in denial.

Kenny SIGHS and retreats back into the restaurant.

CUT TO:

INT: CADILLAC JACK'S. LOBBY.

The Hostess still stands there bubbling with unexplainable excitement.

HOSTESS

I am so sorry. I didn't mean to upset your friends. I didn't realize you guys, err girls, I mean folks, were homosapien.

KENNY

What? Oh, you mean, homosexu- No! I am not gay! I never met them before in my life.

Kenny closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

KENNY

Forget it. It's no big deal. I am here to speak to your manager, Hank. I have an interview at 3 'o' clock.

HOSTESS

Oh, no problem. Why didn't you just say so?

She stands there smiling. Kenny politely motions for her to go get the manager. She disappears and returns with HANK. He is a balding middle-aged man with square glasses and a perfectly ironed crease above his brow. He reaches out and shakes Kenny's hand.

HANK

Glad you could make it, Kenny. Follow me.

They walk into the dining room of the restaurant.

CUT TO:

INT: DINING ROOM.

They sit at a table. Around them, a few tables are occupied with guests sitting and eating. Hank opens up a folder and flips through some papers.

HANK

I read through your application and it seems you have some of the qualifications we are looking for in a bartender here at Cadillac Jack's. Tell me about your last bartending job, won't you? And how do you pronounce your last name?

KENNY

It's Gee, like the letter G is pronounced. It should actually be Geen. But when my Grandfather originally came over to America from Poland, the lady filing his paperwork accidentally forgot to put the "N" at the end of his last name. So, he just left it.

HANK

Oh I see, Kenny Gee. Hey, just like that musician who plays the soprano saxophone. Don't tell anyone, but I think he's AWESOME! Do many people think you're him?

KENNY

No, just one.

Hank nods and shuffles the papers.

HANK

Funny stuff. OK, so tell me about your last job at Seaside Skips? You were a bartender?

He pulls a pen out of his pocket and CLICKS it. He sits intently.

KENNY

Yes. My previous bartending gig was at a little hole in the wall called Seaside Skips. I made ends meet. A pretty boring crowd generally, except for my last night there, it was...

HANK

(interrupting)

Whoa, you're last night. Tell me about it. You left on good terms?

KENNY

Yeah, sure. They'd welcome me back in a second. But not even a lobotomy could make me forget my last night. I had this guest, she was a Puerto Rican lady and she was crazier than a runaway train.

HANK

Go on...

Kenny rubs his chin and smirks.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT: SEASIDE SKIPS. FIVE DAYS EARLIER.

Kenny stands behind the bar, wiping it.

The walls of the pub are decorated in mirrors advertising beer, mounted fish heads, and pictures of intoxicated bar regulars. A couple in the corner of the bar watch the FLICKERING television over a couple of drinks on the rocks while another man sits at the bar nursing his bottled beer.

The Puerto Rican woman, ROSA, enters the bar. She is in her mid-thirties and is dressed in tight jeans, a tube top, and a leather jacket. She turns and takes a long paranoid gaze out at the street.

KENNY

Hey there. Welcome to Seaside Skips.

Rosa says nothing and sits down. She sets a black leather briefcase with chrome buckles on the bar. She pulls a pack of cigarettes out of her bra.

She taps her long pink nails on the bar in a repetitious rhythm.

ROSA

Gimme a tequila sunrise and make it a double.

KENNY

Yes, ma'am.

Kenny serves up the drink, an ashtray, and a book of matches. Rosa sucks the drink down and pushes it forward. She lights her cigarette.

ROSA

Another, please. But stronger and with some of those little red cherries. What time do you got?

Kenny scoops up the glass and refills it. She slurps it down almost as fast as the first one.

KENNY

About nine-thirty.

ROSA

I needed that bad. Lemme have just one more please. My name is Rosa, by the way.

Kenny slides another drink in front of her.

KENNY

My name is Kenny. So, are you visiting?

Rosa gulps down the tequila sunrise.

ROSA

I am just passing through and kind of in a hurry. Wow, you make a good tequila sunrise. Just one more for the road, will ya?

Kenny refills the glass and serves it to her. The television behind the bar shows a basketball game.

INSERT: TELEVISION

A classic championship basketball game. It is the Chicago Bulls versus the Portland Trailblazers. The game is 6:42 into the first quarter.

CUT TO:

INT: SEASIDE SKIPS. FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER.

INSERT TELEVISION:

The same basketball game in the beginning minutes of the third quarter. The Bulls are ahead.

BACK TO SCENE

There is nobody else in the bar except for Kenny and Rosa.

Rosa guzzles down another tequila sunrise. Her ashtray is overflowing with cigarette butts. She is DRUNK and teetering back and forth on her stool. Kenny pulls the glass away and empties her ashtray.

Rosa slides the briefcase in front of her and tries popping it open. She fidgets with it and pushes it away.

ROSA

(in spanish)

Stupid briefcase!

KENNY

I'm sorry, what was that?

ROSA

Nothing. The damn thing is locked. It won't pop open.

KENNY

Do you need help? Let me see...

She pulls it back in front of her as Kenny reaches for it.

KENNY

It looks like it has a number locking mechanism on it. Do you know the code?

ROSA

I have no idea. The asshole I stole it from might know. I was waitin' for a moment to rip that rich asshole off.

Kenny pours another drink in front of her and smiles.

Kenny's whole demeanor changes from bored and lethargic to interested and alert.

KENNY

This one is on me. Go on, get it all out. What happened?

Rosa swallows half the drink in a single sip.

ROSA

I was his fucking maid. I cleaned up after this rich, cheap, pervert, Mr. Feinstein. I had no choice. It is so hard to get a good job these days unless you have one of those things hanging on the wall. A..a..a...

KENNY

A degree?

ROSA

No, one of those things that says you been to college and graduated. Anyways, I was part of a cleaning crew that serviced his house twice a week. His mansion was huge. It is right outside Portland with a big pool and expensive cars. Well, after a few months he started smackin' my ass everytime I was in his office. This guy was into whackin' people for money and selling drugs. A complete fuckin' lowlife! But I needed work so I could save some money and get the hell out of Portland. Well, just a little while ago, I overheard the shithead pervert talkin' to his two goons...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT: MR. FEINSTEIN'S MANSION. TWO HOURS EARLIER.

MR. FEINSTEIN is in his late sixties with a bald head and a serious case of curvature of the spine. His lower lip is perpetually wet and his hands shake ever so slightly. He bends over his desk and locks the briefcase closed. Rosa enters the office in a maid's uniform.

ROSA

Good evening, Mr. Feinstein. Does your trash need to be emptied?

MR. FEINSTEIN

Yes, Rosa. Especially when you're here. I moved it over by my desk, darling.

Mr. Feinstein wipes some dribble off his chin.

Rosa scuddles behind his desk and bends over. SMACK! Mr. Feinstein plants a firm spank on her butt. Rosa springs back to her feet.

ROSA

(in spanish)

Crazy fucking pervert!

He stands there glowing with joy. She quickly ties the bag of trash and leaves the room. She passes his two henchmen, SIMON and NUMBERS, as they enter the office.

Simon is born and raised English and is 30 years old. He is short with blond hair and dark beady eyes. Numbers is tall and dark. He has a gothic crucifix tattooed on both of his hands.

Both men wear black from head to toe. Mr. Feinstein notices them.

MR. FEINSTEIN

Simon, you creepy little fucker. Numbers, you holy pile of shit. I need you boys to do something short and sweet for me. This briefcase contains something of PRICELESS VALUE to ME. I trust you two will deliver it quickly and safely for me to Mr. Coleman for safe keeping in his vault for the weekend until I return from Miami. I would store it here, but... on second thought, that's none of your business.

SIMON

(thick English accent)

No problem, Mr. Feinstein. But isn't Mr. Coleman you're ex wife's new husband?

MR. FEINSTEIN

Yes. But me and Mr. Coleman go way back. She is a gold digging whore who worked her magic on me. After I divorced her, she took my little black book of contacts. She will eventually fuck, marry, divorce and rob all my business associates like she did to me. But some of them are into that like I was, so it works out.

SIMON

Goddamit sir, but I think your old brain mistakens you. As my memory has it, she dumped you and you cried your eyes out like a wee lil' sissie for weeks.

Mr. Feinstein throws a book at Simon and misses by a wide margin.

MR. FEINSTEIN

That's why I have to lock this damn thing up in someone else's vault, because lately everyone is too busy running their mouth and dicking around to do their job! Just get the fucking thing over there. Come back in a few minutes after I leave and the maids are done. I will leave it locked in the desk.

Numbers picks up the book and wipes it off. It is the Holy Bible. With care and precision he places it back on the desk.

NUMBERS

Might I recommend you be a little more careful with the Almighty's good book, sir?

MR. FEINSTEIN

Hey new guy, what is this, you're second week? Shut up!

Mr. Feinstein flips them off as they leave.

He opens the briefcase for a moment to look inside. He smiles and closes it securely.

He slides the briefcase in to the desk and locks it. He grabs his leather satchel and cane and leaves the office.

CUT TO:

INT: HALLWAY.

Rosa is bent over watering a fake plant. Mr. Feinstein closes the office door behind him and takes a long gander at her behind.

MR. FEINSTEIN

Water it all you want, babe, but it's fake.

He slowly disappears as he hobbles down the hallway.

Rosa leaves the water pitcher in the plant and tiptoes into the office.

CUT TO:

INT: OFFICE.

Rosa tries to jerk open the desk drawer.

She picks through her hair and plucks out a hair clip. She bends it every which way and inserts it into the lock.

CLICK, the lock pops open.

CUT TO:

INT: HALLWAY.

Rosa crams the suitcase into a laundry basket and smothers it in sheets and rags. She then disappears from the Feinstein mansion through a hallway door.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT: SEASIDE SKIPS.

Kenny stands wide-eyed with attention. Rosa puffs on her cigarette as if she just finished having sex with the briefcase. She sets the briefcase on the floor and grinds a cigarette butt into a small pile of lipstick-stained butts in the ashtray.

ROSA

After that I jumped into my car and drove here in about an hour. I am gonna be fuckin' rich once I get this damn thing open. I aint neva' seen no lock like this one before. There must be some fuckin' gold or rubies in there.

KENNY

Well, whatabout those two henchmen of Mr. Feinsteins? Won't they be coming after you?

ROSA

Fuck those fuckers. Let them come after me. You eva' had your eyes scratched out by a pissed off Puerto Rican woman?

Kenny takes a slow step back and shakes his head.

ROSA

One more for the road, Lenny.

KENNY

It's Kenny and I don't think that's a good idea since all that remains in the tequila bottle is the worm. I will call you a cab and get you to a motel.

ROSA

Are you tellin' ME, no? Fuck this! I am gonna be filthy rich tomorrow and you'll still be a bartender in a shitty bar. I'll find my own motel and you can say buenos noches to your tip.

She wrestles on her jacket and throws down a handful of wrinkled cash. She then jams everything into her jacket pocket, including the matches, cigarettes, and ASHTRAY. She trips over the barstool and stumbles out of the bar.

Kenny sorts through the cash and wipes the bar where she was sitting. Rosa peels out of the parking lot in her car with tires SCREECHING.

CUT TO:

EXT: HIGHWAY 101.

Rosa blasts the radio and is dancing while driving her Ford Pinto.

INSERT: SPEEDOMETER

95 miles per hour.

BACK TO SCENE:

She swerves viciously a few times. She reaches down and turns the radio up louder as the car slowly fills with SMOKE. Rosa COUGHS and waves her hands around. She digs through her pocket and pulls out the ashtray with a handful of smoldering cigarette butts. She attempts to throw it out the driver side window but the window is rolled up.

The ashtray and smoldering butts bounce off the window and fall back into her lap. She forgets about driving and bats all the smoking butts off her lap. But when she returns her attention to steering the car, a furry little beaver scurries across the road. She veers to the right to avoid hitting it and ends up on the historical Seaside boardwalk.

She is now SCREAMING hysterically.

She drives through a large gumball machine and some closed up kiosks. Gumballs and splintered wood fly everywhere.

She continues her excursion into a statue of the famous pioneers, Lewis and Clark. She panics and pushes down on the ACCELERATOR. The statue tips onto her car and joins her for the remainder of the ride. She drives another sixty feet and SLAMS on the brake. The statue slides off the hood, and SCREECHES through the street.

CUT TO:

INT: FURRY LITTLE BEAVERS GENTLEMANS CLUB.

BILL sits in a private booth, while a stripper in a bikini gives him a lap dance. He is as old and weathered as the crusty denim overalls he is wearing. He rubs his thick, greasy mustache.

BILL

That's right, honey. Shake that butt. Why don't we get past the games and you give me what I really want.

STRIPPER

Well, what is it you want?

BILL

Oh, come on now, you know I just can't come out and say it. That would be illegal. Why don't you just guess and do it.

Bill smiles in a drunken stupor while she gives him a puzzled, grossed out look.

STRIPPER

What? Do you want me to shave that fucking roadkill off your face?

BILL

No, you fuckin' trollip. Suck the spit outta my whistle! GIVE ME SOME...

Suddenly, the statue CRASHES through the tinted glass windows of the strip club, grabbing everyone's attention.

It SLAMS into the stage causing the HEAD of Lewis to separate and sail through the air. The head hurdles through the veil of the private booth and CRUNCHES into the groin of BILL.

STRIPPER

Head?

CUT TO:

INT: MR. FEINSTEINS MANSION. BAR.

Simon and Numbers are playing pool. A few empty bottles are on the bar and the basketball game is on the television.

INSERT: TELEVISION

The Chicago Bulls are ahead in the fourth quarter.

BACK TO SCENE

Simon looks at his watch.

SIMON

Jesus Christ, man. It's almost midnight. Let's...

NUMBERS

(interrupting)

Hey, don't use the Lord's name in vain.

SIMON

Yeah, fine. Like I was saying, let's take this fuckin' briefcase over to Coleman and go hit a real bar. I am tired of drinking Feinstein's piss beer.

The television news suddenly interrupts for a breaking story. Simon and Numbers hang up their pool sticks and watch the story.

SHAUNA SPARKS

Good evening. This is reporter Shauna Sparks for News Channel Eight. I am at the scene of a horrible car accident here on the historic boardwalk in Seaside. It seems an unidentified woman was driving under the influence and drove her blue Ford Pinto onto the boardwalk and destroyed some property, including a giant gumball machine, some souvenir kiosks, and tragically, the beloved ten-foot statue of Lewis and Clark. Apparently, she panicked and pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The woman has been rushed to the Seaside Memorial hospital.

She suffered a broken arm and a minor concussion. Behind me you can see the totaled Pinto.

The reporter steps aside and the Pinto is shown. A sign on door of the car reads:

INSERT: CAR DOOR SIGN

Portland Wonder Maids

BACK TO SCENE

Simon tilts his head and almost his whole body awkwardly while watching the television.

SIMON

Hey, those are the maids that were just here earlier today! Small world, eh, Numbers?

NUMBERS

Got that right. Let's go.

Both men leave the bar.

CUT TO:

INT: HALLWAY.

Simon and Numbers stroll through the hallway. The plant near the office has a dirty puddle of water underneath it.

SIMON

Well, no wonder the fuckin' thing is leaking. Someone left a pitcher full of water in the plant. Stupid fuckin' maids.

Numbers feels the leaves on the plant.

NUMBERS

This plant is fake, Simon. Why would someone water a fake plant?

SIMON

Like I just said, stupid fuckin maids!

Numbers goes to open the office door but it is already ajar. They share a concerned look with each other. Both men hurry into the office.

CUT TO:

INT: OFFICE.

Simon stands by the door and looks around while Numbers sprints to the desk. The desk drawer is open.

NUMBERS

Dammit! It isn't here. We need to call Mr. Feinstein and tell him.

SIMON

No fuckin' way Jesus-freak. We were supposed to deliver the damn thing almost three hours ago.

Both men pace around for a moment. Numbers picks a hairpin off the floor. Simon looks at the pin, then Numbers.

SIMON

Oh, I fuckin' get it now. That Puerto Rican dame with the pointy titties broke in here, picked the lock, and flew out of here like a straight guy in a gay bar.

NUMBERS

She went out, partied, and wrecked her car. I believe the lady on the news said Seaside Memorial Hospital?

SIMON

Numbers, I think we need to take a roadtrip!

Both men hurry out.

CUT TO:

INT: SEASIDE SKIPS.

The television is still on.

INSERT: TELEVISION

The Bulls celebrating their win over the Trailblazers.

BACK TO SCENE

Kenny yawns and checks his watch.

KENNY

And we are closed. Awesome, another moneyless night filled with annoying drunks.

Kenny walks around the bar and begins putting the stools up. As he puts up one of the middle stools, he kicks something. He looks down and sees the briefcase.

KENNY

Well, thank you sweet irony.

CUT TO:

EXT: SEASIDE MEMORIAL HOSPITAL.

A black Jeep Grand Cherokee pulls into a handicap spot in front of the emergency room entrance. Simon and Numbers climb out of the vehicle and stride into the hospital.

CUT TO:

INT: SEASIDE MEMORIAL HOSPITAL. EMERGENCY ROOM LOBBY.

They push their way through the room and up to the receptionist window. A young black woman sits behind the window with a stack of clipboards and a bottle of orange soda. Simon looks at her nametag.

INSERT: NAME TAG

Kesha, Emergency Ward Receptionist.

BACK TO SCENE

KESHA

What's the emergency?

SIMON

Hello, Kesha. Me and my friend here are looking for that young woman who just wrecked her car all over the boardwalk. We are in no real emergency except for to see her.

Keshaa slides a clipboard through the window slot.

KESHA

No emergency? Fill this out and have a seat. The Doctor will see you in a little bit.

Kesha picks up her book and starts reading.

INSERT: BOOK COVER

College Success Skills

BACK TO SCENE

Simon stands curious for a moment.

SIMON

Going to school are ya?

Kesha rolls her eyes and ignores him. Simon slides a twenty-dollar bill into the window slot.

KESHA

Please, honey. Have a seat like all of these other people. The Doctor will be out shortly.

Simon smiles and slides four more twenty-dollar bills into the window slot. Kesha looks at him and snatches the money. She then writes something on a piece of paper and slides it through the window slot. She hits a button on the wall and keeps reading.

The double doors to the ward BUZZ and click open. Simon retrieves the piece of paper and slips through the doors with Numbers.

CUT TO:

INT: HALLWAY.

Simon and Numbers stride through the hall to the elevators. Doctors look at them curiously. They climb into the elevator and the doors close.

CUT TO:

INT: SEVENTH FLOOR.

The elevator opens and the two henchmen continue their stroll.

Simon looks at the piece of paper.

INSERT: PIECE OF PAPER

Floor 7, #15b

BACK TO SCENE

An OLD MAN crosses their path in a wheelchair.

SIMON

You, there. Can you tell us where room number 15b is?

The Old Man stops in his tracks and clutches his heart.

OLD MAN

No, no! I aint ready fer you yet. I aint giving up my soul! Get away you angel of death! HELP!

Simon crams a handkerchief into the old man's mouth while Numbers quickly wheels him into a broom closet and closes the door.

NUMBERS

Lord, forgive me.

Simon points towards a room at the end of the hall.

SIMON

There it is, straight ahead. See, there was no need to tell Feinstein. We got this shit under control.

They casually slide into the room.

CUT TO:

INT: ROOM #15b.

Rosa lies on a gurney with her arm elevated and some bandages on her head. The goons stealthily sweep the room in search of the briefcase.

SIMON

Where the fuck is it? This is the bitch, so where's the briefcase?

NUMBERS

Check her clothes on the chair. She must have left it somewhere else.

They ravage her clothes only to find cigarette butts, an ashtray, and a book of matches.

Rosa opens her eyes and sees them. The BEEPING of her heart monitor speeds up. She quickly closes her eyes.

NUMBERS

She got drunk, right? Maybe she left it at the bar.

He looks at the matchbook in his hand.

INSERT: MATCHBOOK

Seaside Skips

BACK TO SCENE

SIMON

Holy shit, this is really starting to get on me fuckin' nerves.

A voice SOBS in the other bed, from behind the curtain.

BILL

(O.C.)

My poor balls. They're the size of grapefruits. Doctor, please do something!

Simon peeks behind the curtain.

INT: CURTAIN

Bill lays in the gurney with his legs spread apart. Peeking out just below the bottom of his hospital gown are two bloated, veiny, shiny testacles.

CUT TO:

Simon stumbles back in horror into a shelf, knocking items on to the floor. The CLATTER of aluminum instruments and plastic cups hitting the floor breaks the silence.

Simon scrambles away from the curtain.

SIMON

Oh, Jesus! Let's get outta here!

The goons dart out of the room.

CUT TO:

INT: SEASIDE SKIPS.

Kenny closes down the lights of the bar and hides the suitcase underneath his coat. He heads for the front door. Just as he unlocks it, Numbers and Simon KNOCK on the glass. Kenny relocks the deadbolt.

KENNY

Sorry, fellows. I'm closed.

SIMON

We don't want no drinks. Me friend left her briefcase here, and she asked me to pick it up for her. Might you have it? It's black with some shiny chrome.

KENNY

No, I haven't seen in it. Sorry.

SIMON

Maybe we can come in and take a look around?

KENNY

Nope. My boss won't allow that after hours. Come back tomorrow and he'll let you mop the place if you want.

SIMON

Is your boss there? Let me speak to him. This is an emergency my young friend.

KENNY

Sorry, again. He doesn't want to be disturbed. He is doing the drawers and payroll for the week.

Numbers looks around the parking lot.

SIMON

(whispering)

Numbers, there are only two cars in the parking lot and one of them is ours. And payroll at this time of night? This kid is as bad a liar as you are a Catholic. Let's wait outside and follow him.

Kenny stares at them. Simon nods and walks away with Numbers.

Kenny sighs.

CUT TO:

EXT: SEASIDE SKIPS.

The goons climb into the Jeep and pull out of the parking lot. They park across the street with their lights off.

INT: JEEP GRAND CHEROKEE.

Simon taps his watch.

SIMON

It's been thirty fuckin' minutes, Numbers. Let's bust in there and drag him out by his balls. He is obviously waiting it out.

NUMBERS

Wait, look!

Numbers points towards the bar.

CUT TO:

EXT: SEASKIDE SKIPS.

Kenny dashes to his shiny red Chrysler LeBaron from an alley beside the bar. He throws the briefcase in first and then slips inside. He flips on his lights and hauls out of the parking lot.

CUT TO:

INT: CHRYSLER LEBARON.

Kenny drives cautiously through the streets.

His rearview mirror reflects the image of black Jeep tailing him.

He calls his best friend CHESTER on his cellular phone. It rings a few times before Chester answers.

CHESTER

(V.O)

Hey man, it's sleep 'o' clock. You had better be inviting me over to meet a hot set of naked twins or volunteering to work for me tomorrow at Seaside Shits.

KENNY

Sorry, Chester. It is neither of those. I am in a bind, man. I got this briefcase filled with money or something and... Oh shit, the two guys are following me!

CHESTER

Dude, you have been watching too many Steven Seagal movies again. Just do what he would do. Break all their bones and restore the dignity back to the Eskimos.

KENNY

What? No, man. I need a real plan here. I am not shitting you!

CHESTER

You're serious aren't you? I don't know, man. Give them back their briefcase and go on living your boring life I would presume. Better than pushing up daisies, right?

The goons continue to pursue Kenny. Kenny speeds up and makes a quick turn into an alley. Kenny plows through trash cans and wood crates. Up ahead, a diesel blocks the exit to the alley.

KENNY

Oh shit! Move you big roadblock!

CHESTER

WHAT?! KENNY, WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN? COME-

Kenny drops the phone and grips the steering wheel with both hands. He presses the gas and ducks down. The LeBaron squeezes through the alley and underneath the diesel. The convertible top of the car is torn off with the windshield against the undercarriage of the diesel in a flurry of brilliant sparks, almost as if someone ignited a box of fireworks.

Kenny jerks the wheel right and the rear of the car skids left to a stop. He pokes his head out and sees his convertible top strewn out underneath the diesel. Some pedestrians stand watching in complete awe. Kenny notices them.

KENNY

It's OK folks, it's a convertible.

He steps on the gas and takes off. Meanwhile, the Jeep comes to a stop in the alley, blocked by the diesel.

CUT TO:

INT: JEEP.

The goons sit mesmerized by what just happened.

SIMON

What in holy fuckin' hell just happened? Numbers, did that little shit just drive his car underneath that diesel?

Numbers nods.

SIMON

Goddamnit, now what do we do?

NUMBERS

First, you stop cursing the Almighty. Second, we get some coffee and aspirin and find this kid. It won't be hard, this is a small town.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT: CADILLAC JACK'S.

Hank sits wide-eyed staring at Kenny.

KENNY

Yeah, it was a crazy night. Greed does something to people. It gives them guts that they never knew they had. And that isn't a good thing. I thought whatever was in that briefcase would change things for me, make me rich or something. I wanted whatever was in that briefcase just as bad as Rosa did, just as bad as my girlfriend did. I mean my ex-girlfriend did. But yeah, I worked at Seaside's for a year after I got back from graduating college in Hawaii. I hope to...

HANK

(interrupting)

So what did you do? Where'd you go? Where's the briefcase?

Hank turns to a server walking by.

HANK

Heya Jennifer, get this guy a soda.

She nods. Hank turns back to Kenny.

HANK

Please continue with your story, Mr. Gee.

KENNY

Uh, ok. Well, I went to Kimmy's house. She was a spoiled brat. You know, the daddy's little girl type. I don't know what I really saw in her. She talked me into leaving the briefcase there. She said it would be protected by her dog, Pudding. That dog was about as friendly as a Catholic school teacher with a ruler fetish. But then again, Kimmy wasn't the most inviting person either.

CUT TO:

INT: KIMMY'S HOUSE.

KIMMY is twenty-two years old with shoulder length strawberry blond hair. She looks strong, like someone who exercises a lot.

She paces the living room talking on her phone.

Her dog, PUDDING, is a 3-year-old pure bred Doberman and is asleep on the couch. A KNOCK on the door sends Pudding into a barking frenzy.

Kimmy looks through the peephole.

INSERT: PEEPHOLE

Kenny stands with the briefcase in his hand.

BACK TO SCENE

KIMMY

Oh shit, Bobby. I gotta go. He's here now. (pause)Yeah, yeah, I will break it off. I told you I would. (PAUSE) Ok, baby, I will call you later. Kisses!

Kimmy takes a deep breath and straightens her hair.

Pudding sits by her side as she opens the door.

Kenny has soot on his face, broken glass on his shoulder, and a rip in his shirt.

KENNY

Hey, honey, sorry to drop by at such an unexpected hour. I got a dilemma.

Kenny pushes his way in. Pudding growls.

KIMMY

Well, come on in. Pudding, you be a sweetie-pie.

Kenny drops down on the couch and puts the briefcase on the table. Kimmy closes the door and sits across from him. Pudding sits right next to Kenny, staring at him.

KENNY

I need to crash here for the night, if you don't mind. I have these two men chasing me and I think that they'll figure out who I am and be waiting for me at my place. They want this briefcase. It has something very valuable and EXPENSIVE in it.

KIMMY

I am glad you're here, Ken. We need to talk. Lately, I feel that we have been growing... Something EXPENSIVE? Like diamonds?

KENNY

I don't know, I haven't tried opening it. It's locked.

Kimmy hops up and scurries into her bedroom. Pudding inches closer to Kenny with her hackles up. She doesn't make a sound.

KENNY

Fuck, you ARE your owner's dog! Kimmy, where'd you go?

Kimmy strolls in with an AX. Pudding backs off and lowers her hackles.

KENNY

Whoa, what the hell is that? Where'd it come from?

KIMMY

It is an ax, Kenny.

KENNY

For what? I don't see any trees!

KIMMY

Relax. I keep it under my bed. I guess you could say it is my second line of defense. Not that anyone could really get past my Pudding.

She pats the Doberman on the head.

KIMMY

OK, let's crack this nut!

Kenny jumps up and grabs the briefcase. Pudding steps forward and growls.

KENNY

No, we are not opening it. We will just leave it here, and deal with it in the morning. OK?

KIMMY

Fine, your briefcase.

CUT TO:

EXT: MINNIE'S MART.

Numbers and Simon sit side by side on the curb in front of the convenience store. They sip steaming coffee. Above them, some neon lights GLOW, advertising beer and Lotto.

SIMON

The guy's poor balls were as big as your fuckin' head Numbers. Like a couple of ripe melons growing off of his...

NUMBERS

That's enough about the guy at the hospital. Call your friend down in the capital who works at the Department of Motor vehicles and have him run the plate. We need to stay ahead of this kid.

SIMON

Good call, Numbers. In the meantime, let's drive around and look for that smashed up jalopy of his. It is a wee lil' town so we shouldn't have too many troubles. How's your coffee?

NUMBERS

It's steaming hot and about as thick as tar. And I am sure it was delicious when they made it... last week.

SIMON

Good, then you won't be sleeping anytime soon. Back to work we go.

They rise from the curb and begin to climb into the Jeep.

SIMON

His balls looked like they were on steroids. All veiny and shiny and...

Numbers throws Simon a sharp, threatening stare. Simon shuts up.

CUT TO:

INT: KIMMY'S HOUSE. NEXT MORNING.

Kenny wakes up alone on the couch to Pudding viciously growling and snarling at the television.

INSERT: TELEVISION COMMERCIAL

A commercial for Penguin's Pizza Party Place.

BEGIN COMMERCIAL MONTAGE:

A cartoon character known as PACO THE PENGUIN dances around a table of children eating pizza.

Paco dances through a video game arcade and throws tokens up in the air.

Paco plays ski ball.

Paco is dancing with a bunch of little kids and they all hug him.

BACK TO SCENE

Pudding stops being psycho-dog once the commercial ends.

KENNY

Wierdo fucking dog. Kimmy?

She strolls into the living room wearing a shirt with a picture of Pudding on it.

INSERT: T SHIRT

My Pudding!

BACK TO SCENE

KIMMY

Hey, so I got to thinking last night. Actually, I couldn't stop thinking about what might be in the brief case and what to do with it. I think we should hide it here and somehow contact those two men. Tell them we want half of whatever it is inside or they will never see it again. We will work out all the in-between details later on.

KENNY

(sarcastically)

Hey, good morning to you too, Kimmy. I slept well, thanks for asking.

KIMMY

Yuck, someone's crabby first thing in the morning.

Pudding, give him kisses, make him smile.

Pudding licks Kenny's face. He pushes the dog away.

KENNY

I'm sorry, it was just a weird night. OK, we will leave it here. But for now, that's it. I have to sneak into my house and get some stuff and then we will decide what to do with it. OK, honey?

He approaches her to kiss her, but she backs off.

KIMMY

Eeew, no. Your... breath stinks. I have to run and visit Daddy and Mommy and then go get Pudding's prescription.

I should be back by two.

KENNY

Fair enough. See you in a bit.

CUT TO:

EXT: THE JACKSON'S HOUSE.

The Jackson's are the older black couple living across the street from Kenny. EARL JACKSON reads the paper as he sits with his wife, SHONDA, on the front porch.

Across the street, the red LeBaron drives by. It cruises by again and then again until it stops a few houses down. Kenny sneaks up to his own front door and slips inside.

SHONDA

That white boy is getting crazier and crazier every day. You think he is dealing drugs? Or what if he is dealing drugs to his gay friends?

EARL

I don't know, honey.

SHONDA

The only thing that is gonna set him straight and save him is the Lord.

CUT TO:

EXT: BOARDWALK.

Numbers stands in front of the broken Lewis and Clark statue. He picks a green gumball off the base of the statue and pops it into his mouth.

Simon walks up and jams his phone into his pocket.

SIMON

You'd better hope that fuckin' thing tastes like bacon and eggs because it's the closest thing to breakfast you're going to eat until we get the briefcase. I had my boy run the license plate number and he got me an address. Let's go.

Simon yawns and pats Numbers on the back. Both of them have black circles under their eyes.

CUT TO:

INT: KENNY'S HOUSE.

It is a one-bedroom rental with typical bachelor pad furniture. Kenny throws his keys on the coffee table as he strides through the living room. He flips on the television and disappears into the bedroom.

INSERT: TELEVISION

Good Morning Seaside with Mitch and Melanie!

MELANIE is a quirky news anchor with a mouth big enough to swallow her foot. The other anchor, MITCH, has a square chin and a voice like a slick car salesman.

MELANIE

Good morning folks, if you are just joining us. It is half past ten and time for a quick report on the weather with Seaside's favorite weatherman, Peter Tannenbaum.

PETER stands in front of a giant map of Seaside. He has a tie-dyed neck-tie with a whale on it. He smiles indefinitely.

PETER

Hey there, Seaside. This week's neck-tie is courtesy of the Seaside Beaches Coalition to Save the Ocean Animals.

Peter fondles the tie and smiles. He then does his pointing and smiling gimmick while he gives his forecast like he is trying to sell you the weather.

PETER

It is going to be mild this weekend, folks. This afternoon it will be cloudy and overcast and for tonight, rain. A whole SEVEN inches. So, don't forget your umbrellas. Back to you M and M!

The program returns to the desk featuring Mitch and Melanie.

MITCH

Thanks, Peter. In other news. A woman by the name of Rosa Santiago apparently drove her blue Ford Pinto through the boardwalk last night in a drunken excursion. She did over thirty-five thousand dollars in damage. She suffered a broken arm and a mild concussion. When questioned by our investigative team this morning, all that she kept asking for was "her briefcase." When we questioned the doctors about the situation, they said she will be fine, and they know nothing of any briefcase. They also noted that a couple of suspicious looking men were seen in restricted areas of the hospital at late hours last night.

Kenny dives onto the couch and over the coffee table to turn the volume up. He knocks some books off the table, including a copy of the novel, "Moby Dick." He cranks the television up all the way. The reporter continues.

MITCH

The identities of the two men are unknown as they were only seen briefly by the witnesses and the images caught by the video cameras are blurred. The men were dressed in all black and described by one elderly hospital patron as "angels of death." That elderly man was found this morning locked in a broom closet.

MELANIE

Sounds like a case of "Pulp Fiction" is hitting our quaint little town of Seaside, huh, Mitch?

Melanie smiles to the camera.

MITCH

Good one, Mel. As some of you know it is that time of year when the sperm whales are closest to our shores...

BACK TO SCENE

Kenny cranks the volume to mute and flops back on the couch.

KENNY

Shit. That poor lady got hurt last night. I need a plan.

Kenny grabs his phone and dials it. A couple seconds of silence and then Chester's voice blurts out of the phone.

CHESTER

(V.O.)

Thank God I have this caller ID! Because now I can hang up on all those fucking weirdos out there that call me at strange hours of the night asking for advice about LUGGAGE. You wouldn't do that, right Ken? Because that is queer!

KENNY

I am sorry, Chester. I don't know whom else to go to. This is serious and it is getting even more serious. I am seeing stuff on the news now about the briefcase and the two guys in black. I need some ideas. What do I do with it? I don't want anyone else to get hurt.

CHESTER

Well first, take a breath and relax. Second, remind me of what a great fucking best friend I am to you.

KENNY

Chester, you are the shit, man.

CHESTER

On a stick?

KENNY

Yes. You are the shit, on a stick!

CHESTER

Golden. Meet me at our fishing spot on the Seaside Pier in about an hour with the briefcase. Some of that ocean air will help us think clearly and hammer out a plan of action without being interrupted.

KENNY

Ok, sure. No, wait. I left the briefcase at Kimmys. I have to go back and get it. Just meet me at Kimmys. Then we can drive there together. My car is like a homing beacon to these guys.

CHESTER

At Kimmy's, huh? Should I bring some garlic, holy water, and a crucifix? Ha ha ha, I am just kiddin' you, Ken. OK, I'm not! That morbid bitch ain't no good for you bro. But seriously, I don't have much time because I start my new job this afternoon.

KENNY

What about Skips?

CHESTER

I am done there, dude. I went in this morning and told Skip himself he can eat my shit with his hook. He told me to go fuck myself and chased me out the door on his peg leg. Crazy old pirate. No big deal, I got this awesome job now on the east side working with kids. Alright Ken, I am all phoned out. I'll see you at Kimmys.

KENNY

Later.

Kenny hangs up the phone, grabs his keys, and bails out the front door. As soon as he leaves, his phone RINGS three times. The answering machine kicks in and answers the call.

ANSWERING MACHINE

(KENNY)

Hey, you just missed me, leave a message.

The machine CLICKS a few times.

KIMMY

(V.O.)

Time to recharge your cellular phone, loser! C'mon Kenny pick up the phone. This is Kimmy, as if I have to tell you. Where are you? On the crapper? OK, fine. I am going to be home a little sooner than expected because mommy has to go to the Seaside Country Club. They scheduled an emergency club-leaders meeting because of someone stealing money or something. Bye.

The machine CLICKS again.

CUT TO:

EXT: THE JACKSON'S HOUSE.

Earl and Shonda sit on the porch. Earl still reads the paper.

SHONDA

Their goes that crazy white boy again.

Kenny jogs out of his house back to his car.

SHONDA

Look at him run. It's like he is burning up with energy. Definitely cocaine. Their goes the neighborhood, Earl. We got gay white boys doing Columbian drugs. Not my idea of racial harmony.

Earl licks his finger and turns the page.

EARL

That's nice, honey.

The black Jeep screeches into the driveway of Kenny's house ten seconds later. Simon and Numbers climb out and look around. They go inside.

SHONDA

You see that, Earl? Now he has all kinds of gay drug dealers coming and going.

EARL

That's nice, honey.

CUT TO:

EXT: KIMMY'S HOUSE.

Kenny stands outside waiting for Chester. A blue pickup truck pulls into the driveway. Out climbs Chester in a giant Penguin suit.

KENNY

What in the...

CHESTER

I don't want to hear any flack, man.

KENNY

Really, I'm not surprised. What's the pay? A bucket of fish an hour. Hey, now you can tell your parents you got a real job and get to wear a suit!

CHESTER

This is for real. I am Paco the Penguin five afternoons a week. The kids LOVE me and so do the MOMS. The money is good and I get all the free pizza I want!

Kenny puts his arm around Chester as they walk to the front door.

KENNY

Alright, seriously man, I appreciate you helping me out. Why don't you WADDLE around back and check all the windows. Look for that crazy-ass dog and distract it. I just need to get in and get out.

Kenny waits by the front door while Chester waddles around from room to room looking in.

He looks into the guest bedroom.

CHESTER

This one is clear.

Chester peeks into the living room.

CHESTER

Living room is clear.

Chester looks into the last window.

CHESTER

Nothing in her bedroom except some creepy stuffed animals.

INT: KIMMY'S HOUSE. BEDROOM.

The pillows on the bed are piled high with stuffed animals. Pudding is comfortably underneath the fluffy heap and blends in with them perfectly. Only her head pokes out.

Outside the window, a giant penguin peeks in the window and then walks away.

The heap of stuffed animals falls apart as Pudding emerges. She tiptoes to the front door in anticipation.

CUT TO:

EXT: KIMMY'S HOUSE.

Chester returns to the front door.

CHESTER

Dude, I didn't see her dog. But I know she is in there.

KENNY

I can survive Pudding biting my ass. But those two men won't be as merciful to me or Kimmy. I have to go for it.

Kenny takes a deep breath, swings open the front door and lunges inside.

CUT TO:

INT: KIMMY'S HOUSE.

Kenny accidentally trips over the rug by the front door and takes a tumble behind the couch.

The briefcase sits on the table.

Pudding hurdles through the room, over the table and couch, and out the front door.

KENNY

Shit!

CUT TO:

INT: SCHOOL BUS.

Two little kids sit in the back as the bus drives slowly through the neighborhood. JIMMY and KYLE are both 7 years old.

KYLE

Hey, you want to come to my birthday party? My mom is letting me invite some friends. We are gonna go eat pizza and play video games with Paco.

JIMMY

Heck yeah, I wanna go!

A little girl screams and points outside the bus. All the kids look out the windows.

Outside, a big, black Doberman chases Paco the Penguin.

CUT TO:

EXT: NEIGHBORHOOD.

Chester is running from Pudding. The dog keeps catching him and tearing off pieces of the penguin suit. The bus slowly keeps pace with the chase.

CHESTER

You psycho fucking dog, get off me!

Kids on the bus are screaming and waving at Chester in the penguin suit.

CHESTER

Shit! Open the bus doors, help me! Let me on the bus!

KYLE leans out one of the bus windows.

KYLE

Hey Paco, me and Jimmy are coming to eat pizza on Wednesday!

Chester bangs on the bus doors while Pudding shreds off the bottom part of his suit. The bus driver lets him on.

Pudding stands on the side of the road mincing the article of black and white costume.

CUT TO:

INT: SCHOOL BUS.

Chester stumbles in covered from the waist up in a penguin costume. He only wears white boxers, two different socks, and old sneakers.

BUS DRIVER

Oh my, sir, are you ok?

Chester feels inside his boxers for a few seconds and sighs.

CHESTER

Everything is fine.

BUS DRIVER

Sir, there are children on this bus. Please don't do that!

One of the kids raises his hand.

CHESTER

Yeah, what?

KID

Paco, you have skinny white legs like my dad.

CUT TO:

INT: KENNY'S HOUSE.

The place is ransacked. Furniture is overturned, and drawers and cabinets are emptied out onto the counters and floors. Simon is breathing heavily. Numbers comes in from the bedroom.

NUMBERS

We gutted this place and nothing!

SIMON

JESUS FUCKIN CHRI-

Numbers reaches out and covers Simon's mouth.

NUMBERS

Shhhh. Don't finish that statement, the Lord can hear you!

Simon plies Numbers hands off his face.

SIMON

I don't give a rat's fucking ass, Numbers! I don't believe all that holy religious crap that you have had shoved down your fuckin' throat. The bible aint nothin' more than another Shakespeare novel. If I want to swear on the name of God or Jesus, or Hamlet, then I Goddamn will!

Simon throws a book across the room.

NUMBERS

Fine.

Simon leans against the wall. Beside him, on the window ledge, the answering machine's little red button BLINKS.

Simon looks down and pushes it. The answering machine plays the following:

ANWERING MACHINE

(KIMMY)

Time to recharge your cellular phone, loser! C'mon Kenny pick up the phone. This is Kimmy, as if I have to tell you. Where are you? On the crapper? OK, fine. I am going to be home a little sooner than expected because mommy has to go to the Seaside Country Club. They scheduled an emergency club-leaders meeting because of someone stealing money or something. Bye.

The goons exchange a long silent stare.

NUMBERS

He went to her house instead of coming home. That means SHE has the briefcase.

SIMON

To find her, we have to consult with "Mommy." Let's go play some fuckin' golf, Numbers!

They dart out the door.

CUT TO:

EXT: NEIGHBORHOOD.

Kenny cruises along looking for Chester. He stops behind a school bus letting children off.

A few kids scuttle off the bus to their mothers. Chester exits last. One mother GASPS in disgust. Another mother approaches Chester.

MOTHER

Oh my, you sicko-pervert! Put some pants on you sexual deviant!

The Mother strikes Chester in his head with her purse.

He falls to the ground clutching his beak.

Kenny drives up beside the Mother.

KENNY

Sorry, ma'am. He ate seafood this morning. It makes him do crazy things!

Chester plucks off the fluffy penguin mask.

One of the kids SCREAMS in surprise and runs up and kicks Chester while he's getting up.

CHESTER

Aaaaah!

The mothers and children scurry away. Kenny smirks and pulls up alongside Chester. He holds up the briefcase.

KENNY

Yeah, the mom's LOVE you! Hop in Paco, I got the goods and a change of clothes for you.

CHESTER

Ohhh, my head.

Chester flops into the car with his feet dangling up in the air.

CHESTER

You think that maybe Skip will accept an apology?

Kenny shakes his head. They speed off.

CUT TO:

EXT: SEASIDE PIER.

The Pier is a wooden construction covered in mold and BIRD GUANO. It stretches out a hundred yards into the Pacific Ocean. Aluminum shacks sell bait and tackle.

Seagulls fly through the air and a PELICAN sits atop one of the posts. Kenny walks to the end of the pier with the briefcase in his hand. He leans over the banister and stares down at the water.

KENNY

(to himself)

Do I keep it? Do I give it back? What if the thing is filled with money and I just give back some of it? MY GOD, HAVE I MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

Chester catches up to him with a Corona in one hand and a tub of dead bait in the other.

KENNY

Hey, where'd you get that?

CHESTER

At that bait and tackle shack. You get a free beer if you buy ten dollars worth of bait.

KENNY

What are you going to do with ten dollars worth of bait?

CHESTER

I don't know. I did it for the beer. I figured that after escaping the psycho dog and scaring a bus full of children, I deserved a cold one. Want one?

KENNY

No, because then we'll have twenty dollars worth of bait.

CHESTER

Don't look at it like that! Be optimistic, be open-minded. Look up, look at the sky, man. See how beautiful and majestic it is. It is contained by nobody. It answers to no man.

Kenny takes a long look at the sky.

The sky is gray with heavy hanging clouds and lightning.

KENNY

Where are you going with this?

CHESTER

There you go with that stale pessimistic attitude. Break out of your shell, man. Here, reach into this bucket and pull out a piece of bait.

KENNY

What?!

CHESTER

Don't question it, don't hesitate, just do it. Reach down into this bucket and pull out a piece of bait. There is a point to this. C'mon!

Kenny jams his hand into the bucket and pulls out a few little frozen fish. Chester takes a slug of his beer and looks around.

CHESTER

Squeeze one open. Go on.

KENNY

Just for you, man.

Kenny squeezes one of the fish between his fingers. Guts and juices bubble out.

CHESTER

What do you see? What do you feel?

KENNY

Ew, gross. I don't know. It's guts.

CHESTER

That's right! It's guts. That little frozen fucker has more guts than you do! Have some guts, Kenny! Come on, be a man! You don't answer to anyone, especially those two assholes chasing you, or your bitchy girlfriend, or a lame-ass job, especially now that you have that briefcase full of money or whatever. You came to this pier to make a plan of action. To make that plan, you need to be a fucking man and have some guts. So, decide right now what it is you have to do with that briefcase.

Kenny stands upright and grabs the briefcase. He hesitates.

KENNY

Coming to the pier and squishing a piece of bait between my fingers, oddly enough, is what I needed. I am going to have some guts and be a man. I now know what I have to do with the briefcase.

Kenny throws the briefcase far out into the ocean.

CHESTER

WHOA! Why'd you do that?

KENNY

You just told me too, with that whole "be a man, have some guts" speech.

CHESTER

No I didn't. Did I say, "hey Kenny, throw it in the fucking Pacific Ocean?" I thought maybe you would do something cool like give it to me or open it. Shit!

The briefcase sinks below the surface of the water.

Chester peels off his shirt.

KENNY

What are you doing? Wait, are you going in after it? The water is freezing!

Chester leaps over the wood railing into the water.

CUT TO:

INT: SEASIDE COUNTRY CLUB. LOBBY.

WARREN is sixty-three years old and wears a turquoise jogging suit. His wife, STELLA, walks beside him in a matching jogging suit. Warren pushes his eighty-eight year old mother, DORIS, through the entrance of the lobby in a wheelchair. Doris has a large bloated handbag.

There are display cases on one wall with golf trophies and plaques. The carpet is the bright green color of astro-turf and the walls are all painted pure white.

A huge banner hangs from the ceiling.

INSERT: BANNER

Welcome to Seaside Country Club.

BACK TO SCENE

WARREN

Mother, we are going to take you into the emergency meeting with us. I can't have you getting lost again.

STELLA

I nearly fainted, Warren, when you told me about her disappearing for ten whole minutes during her super-seniors arts and crafts class last week.

WARREN

She said she had to go to the bathroom and the activities counselor was busy. I am just glad someone found her out in the lobby. Imagine how horrible it would've been if she made it out into the parking lot, or onto the green!

They pass a giant clear plastic drum. Only a few pennies and a piece of chewing gum are inside. There is a sign above drum.

INSERT: SIGN

Big Bingo Money Barrel.

BACK TO SCENE

STELLA

Warren, look! All the money in the drum is gone!

They push forward to a hallway.

FRANCINE and LOU stand next to the Conference room door. They both wear golf attire consisting of plaid shirts and pink pastel pants.

STELLA

Hello Francine, hello Lou. We haven't seen you in awhile. Did you two go golfing today?

FRANCINE

No, we are not big golfers.

Francine and Lou smile vacantly. Stella looks them up and down in confusion.

FRANCINE

Did you see the drum? Someone stole the money from it. That money was supposed to be for the winner of the big Bingo tournament next week. Think of all the people who put their five dollars in their hoping to win big. My Lou said he would take me to the Red Lobster if he won it.

STELLA

It is a shame, huh? I hope whomever stole that money pays big!

DUKE peeks his head out of the conference room. He has a flat top and is chewing on a dead cigar.

DUKE

I thought I heard some folks out here gabbing. Come on in, the Solomons are getting feisty.

Everyone hobbles into the conference room. The doors close behind them.

CUT TO:

INT: CONFERENCE ROOM.

Five senior citizen couples sit at small round tables in front of a podium. They all MURMUR quietly.

BENNY steps up to the podium. Benny is old, with a chubby face, a red nose, and long droopy ears.

BENNY

Well, I guess we should begin as soon as Martha arrives. This is an emergency meeting, so tardiness will be tolerated this once.

MARTHA slips into the door and takes an open seat. Benny nods to her.

BENNY

Martha, right on time! Thanks for being here so promptly everyone. We have a dilemma. As you all saw out in the lobby, the drum is empty. Over six hundred dollars is missing. All the cash and even the change. We have no idea who is responsible for stealing it. We do know, however, that it happened during club business hours and the culprit had to be one of the CLUB LEADERS.

Everyone in the room GASPS.

BENNY

And, why? Because, the lock on the drum was picked open with a limited edition, commemorative Seaside Country Club leaders brooch. And the brooch was found broken on the floor and in the lock at the crime scene. So it must have been a woman. Which narrows our investigation down to five.

WARREN

What do you mean five? Aren't there six women in the leader's club?

BENNY

Well, certainly. But it couldn't have been my Ethel. She is always with me and she has arthritis so bad she couldn't squeeze a sponge.

ARNIE and LOLA SOLOMON sit at one of the tables. Arnie has a bad hair-piece and Lola has drawn-on eyebrows. One eyebrow is illustrated noticeably higher than the other.

ARNIE

Now you wait a second, Benny. If you say it wasn't your wife, then I know it wasn't mine. The only thing my doll, Lola, ever stolen was my heart!

Martha stands up.

MARTHA

Why just the women? Are the husbands not capable of using their wife's brooch? It could have been Doris for all we know!

Martha points at Doris in her wheelchair while making her statement.

WARREN

How dare you accuse my elderly mother. She would never do such a thing. She is an angel!

MARTHA

I am just making the point of saying that it could have been anyone, even one of the husbands. Does everyone still have their brooches? Whoever doesn't should be the person under scrutiny.

ARNIE

It figures you would have such an idea, Martha. You are the only woman here without a participating husband.

MARTHA

So? What does that prove? My James doesn't want to join the Club Leaders because he hates politics... and Jews!

Arnie leans back and GASPS in horror.

LOLA

You dried up whore! I see the way you look at my Arnie, with those big cow eyes of yours! You're just jealous that I have a caring husband and you have a cheating husband.

MARTHA

Oh yeah? So is that why Arnie was transfixed on me while he slurped up his pink jello like a fucking ant-eater at the fundraiser last week? Or is it because he grabbed my tit yesterday with the excuse that he wanted to feel the material my shirt was made of? I can keep on going, Lola.

BENNY

Settle down, everyone! We are not here to accuse.

Suddenly, the doors open and close and Simon and Numbers are in the room. Their solid black apparel makes them stand out like dark shadows against the white walls.

Everyone turns and looks at them.

BENNY

Excuse me, gentlemen. This is for club leaders only and we are in the middle of an emergency conference. You must be looking for the Panelli family reunion. It is down the other hall.

SIMON

No my fat fuckin' friend. You just assured me that we are in the right room. Now, if you would politely point out the woman who has a daughter by the name of Kimmy and we will happily make this visit quick and painless.

Martha shrinks down in her chair as Arnie and Lola both point to her with little hesitation.

NUMBERS

It's her. Everyone, get out of your chairs and lie face down on the floor, now!

They all sit motionless. Simon pulls out a large knife and all the people hit the floor. Doris still sits in her wheelchair.

SIMON

Hey, you old bat, on the fuckin' floor!

He attempts to muscle the bag out of her hand but she won't let go. When he picks it up off her lap, it sags heavily and drops back down. A CHA-CHING, metal on metal sound, slips from the bag.

WARREN

Oh, please leave her. She is harmless. She can barely see and can't walk.

Numbers nods to Simon. Simon grabs Martha by her hair and pulls her up off the floor.

SIMON

I am gonna have a talk with this dame and none of you better not as much as pass gas or I will start slashing!

Everyone lies perfectly still with their faces buried in the carpet. Simon and Numbers back Martha into a corner.

Doris sits in her wheelchair across the room.

NUMBERS

You have a daughter named Kimmy?

Martha nods.

NUMBERS

Good. A friend of hers stole our briefcase and we want it back. We need to know where she lives. If you don't comply, my nutty friend with the knife will sever the throats of your friends here.

Martha cries and looks at Simon. Simon makes a crazy face and licks the knife. She then looks over his shoulder and watches Doris in complete surprise.

Doris quietly hobbles out of her wheelchair and up to the table. She picks through one of the purses on the table and pulls out a wad of cash. She returns to her wheelchair and opens her own bag. When she opens it, money erupts out. She shoves the money back in, then the wad of cash, and plops down in her seat.

Martha stares completely stunned. Numbers waves his hand over her face.

NUMBERS

Hey, come back to earth, lady. Where does your daughter live?

Simon puts the knife to her throat.

MARTHA

Sixty-six, fifty-three Dorsal Avenue.

Numbers pushes her down to the floor.

SIMON

Nobody moves until we're gone, or so help you God!

Numbers looks at Simon and shakes his head.

NUMBERS

Simon, will you ever learn? Leave God out of this.

Simon yawns and flips him off as they both leave the room. Everyone slowly returns to their feet and stare at Martha in the corner.

MARTHA

You wouldn't believe it, but I saw Doris climb out of her wheelchair and...

WARREN

Don't you dare try and accuse my mother again. You are so shallow to make up such a lie. Maybe you should consider what just happened.

Warren hugs his mother.

ARNIE

Who were those men to you and what is the briefcase they were talking about? You gave your daughter the money, didn't you?!

Doris sits in her chair clutching the bag.

CUT TO:

EXT: PACIFIC OCEAN.

The water is a deep blue and reflects the sun peeping through the gray clouds. Amongst a large floating pool of krill is the briefcase entangled in seaweed.

Suddenly, a Sperm whale breaks the surface and bursts through the water. White foamy bubbles and massive waves are pushed in every direction. The whale opens his gigantic mouth and swallows in all the seaweed, krill, and the briefcase. He splashes back down into the ocean depth leaving nothing but waves crashing against each other.

CUT TO:

INT: KIMMY'S HOUSE.

Kimmy enters the front door.

KIMMY

I am home, baby. Pudding, mommy got you some treats.

She sets a bag of groceries down on the table. It falls over and everything spills onto the counter, including a bag of DOG-TREATS and a package of COOKIES. She opens the dog treats and pulls one out. It resembles a macaroon.

KIMMY

Pudding. Mommy is home, where are you?

She checks every room. She panics, drops the dog treat back on the counter, and grabs the phone. She frantically dials.

KIMMY

MOMMY! I CAME HOME AND PUD-

MARTHA

(interrupting)

Kimmy, you have to get out of the house! Leave now!

KIMMY

But Pudding is...

MARTHA

Leave now!

KIMMY

Why, what's going on mommy? Is there something wrong?

A loud KNOCK at the door.

KIMMY

Wait, someone's at the door, Mommy. Maybe it is animal control? I will call you in a couple minutes.

MARTHA

NO, Kimmy! Don't answer the door!

She hangs up the phone and runs to the door. She looks through the peephole.

INSERT: PEEPHOLE

Numbers and Simon stand outside.

BACK TO SCENE

KIMMY

Hello? What can I do for you?

SIMON

Hello, Kimmy. Might you let us in so we can chat?

KIMMY

How'd you know my name? Do you know where my dog is?

SIMON

No, I don't know where your fuckin' dog is. Do you know where my fuckin' briefcase is?

Simon pulls the knife out of his jacket and taps it on the peephole.

SIMON

Open the door right now and we will leave you one of your kidneys.

KIMMY

Oh, shit! I know who you fuckfaces are!

Kimmy steps back as Numbers kicks in the door. They step inside and Numbers grabs her.

KIMMY

I lied. I do know where your briefcase is. It's...

She looks at the coffee table and it is not there. She thinks for a moment.

KIMMY

It's in the bedroom. I am so sorry, let me go and I will go get it. Please, you're hurting my swinging arm.

SIMON

That is your swinging arm, huh? Ohhh, poor girl, I wouldn't want you to not be able to play softball anymore. Go get the fuckin' briefcase and we won't break your skinny little arm. Ok, sweetheart?

Kimmy has a miserably pathetic look on her face as she nods. Numbers lets her go.

KIMMY

I never said I used it for swinging a bat, asshole.

SIMON

You're a feisty little minx. You don't mind if I help myself to a little snack in the kitchen do you?

Kimmy smirks and trots into the bedroom. Numbers drops down on the couch and rubs his eyes. He leans back and watches Kimmy in the bedroom.

Kimmy rummages underneath the bed.

Simon scouts around in the kitchen and comes out with the dog treat in his hand and the package of cookies. He munches down the dog treat.

SIMON

What kind of fucked up macaroon is this?

He spits it out onto the floor and wipes his hand on his jacket. He smells his hand.

SIMON

It smells like fuckin' liver and onions!

Suddenly, Kimmy comes running in, and wildly swings the ax while SCREAMING. She misses Simon only because Numbers pulls him down. She smashes it into the wall.

She rips it out and slices it between them into the couch as they dive out of the way.

SIMON

Where'd she get a fuckin' ax? Weren't you watching her, Numbers? Jesus Christ!

Numbers scowls at Simon.

Kimmy tears the ax out of the frame of the couch and marches toward Simon. She swings and he rolls under the table. The ax splits into the wood coffee table. The ax is wedged and is only mere inches from Simon's face.

Numbers hops to his feet and grabs her from behind. She bites his hand and head butts him with the back of her head. His nose spatters blood as he lets her loose.

The phone RINGS.

NUMBERS

Ahhhgh!

She winds back and slugs him in the nose. He stumbles back clutching his nose. Simon scrambles to his feet.

She plucks a picture frame off the wall and throws it at Simon. It strikes him in his head and he tumbles into the closet door. She wrenches the ax out of the table.

KIMMY

And you thought I swung a bat, hah!

Kimmy charges Simon with the ax cocked back behind her head. Simon stumbles back and opens the closet door to block her. The ax gashes into the closet door only to become stuck, again. He SLAMS the door closed and fights with her to pull the ax out. She knees him in the balls and he drops to the floor. Simon WHIMPERS.

Numbers wipes the blood off his face with a couch pillow.

NUMBERS

Lord, please forgive me for what I am about to do.

He motions a cross on his chest with his finger. Just as she spins around with the ax, he grabs her head and slams it into the wall. A dent is left in the drywall. She falls down and sobs. Her nose starts to bleed.

KIMMY

Please, don't kill me. I don't have the briefcase. It was here, but now it isn't. I think Kenny has it. I wanted to give it back, honest.

Simon hobbles into the kitchen and comes back with two wet dishtowels and some ice trays.

NUMBERS

Once we get the briefcase, you'll never see us again. Where is Kenny?

KIMMY

I don't know. He is probably with his loser friend, Chester.

Simon cracks one of the ice trays into a towel. He balls it up and holds it over his crotch. He SIGHS. He hands the other towel full of ice to Numbers. Numbers puts it over his nose.

SIMON

Shit, he could be anywhere, man.

The phone RINGS.

SIMON

Go get that. And DON'T come back with a fuckin' cleaver!

Kimmy staggers to the phone and answers it.

KIMMY

Hello?

MARTHA

(V.O.)

Kimmy, is everything, Ok? Who was at the door?

KIMMY

It was just a couple of kids who found Pudding running around in the street. Nothing else.

MARTHA

Why didn't you answer the phone when I called a couple minutes ago?

KIMMY

Um, I was outside trying to catch Pudding. She is OK.

MARTHA

Kimmy, do I need to call the police? Are you sure everything is fine?

Kimmy looks over at Simon, He picks a splinter out of his hand with his knife.

KIMMY

I am OK, Mommy, and so is Pudding.

MARTHA

Alright, let me here Pudding for a second. I want to here if she is alright.

Kimmy covers the phone with her hand.

KIMMY

(whisper)

It is my Mommy. She wants to hear Pudding speak.

NUMBERS

Who is Pudding?

KIMMY

My Doberman.

Simon nudges Numbers.

SIMON

Go on. Bark like a fuckin' dog.

Kimmy uncovers the phone. Numbers stands motionless.

Kimmy grabs his balls and makes Numbers YELP a few times.

KIMMY

See, she is just fine, Mommy. Hey, I have to go, I have a call on the other line, OK?

MARTHA

Be good, honey. And remind me to tell you later about the old lady that I punched in the mouth. Your Father was proud of me! OK, Mommy loves you. Bye.

Kimmy hangs up the phone.

SIMON

Alright, so now what do we do?

Numbers holds his groin.

NUMBERS

I can think of only one thing after chewing this gross gumball for the last three hours and having my teabag squeezed by little miss deathgrip.

He glares at Kimmy.

CUT TO:

INT: KIMMY'S HOUSE. THIRTY MINUTES LATER.

Kimmy pulls a pan from a heaping pile of dirty dishes.

She stands, scrubbing it over the sink. Simon sits on the couch rubbing his belly while Numbers leans back in a chair at the table picking his teeth with a toothpick.

NUMBERS

That was awesome. I'm feeling kind of bad about ruining her day and all.

SIMON

Then go give her a fuckin' hug.

Simon clicks on the television.

INSERT: TELEVISION

Mid-afternoon with Mitch and Melanie.

MELANIE

Welcome back, Seaside. The town will be enjoying an extra day off this weekend as Labor Day is upon us. That means the boardwalk will be extra busy with college students and other tourists looking to get away and see some Seaside culture. Our very own Michael North has the...

Mitch puts his hand to his ear to listen to his earpiece. A look of surprise crosses his face.

MITCH

(interrupting)

One moment, Melanie. We have some breaking news for you folks! Apparently, a record breaking 3-ton, ninety-foot Sperm whale has washed up on the shore of the beach. It appeared just minutes ago as the tide began rolling in. It is being reported that it is dead.

MELANIE

Oh my, that is terrible, Mitch. Anything else?

MITCH

Nothing else. We will keep you informed as we get more information, back to your story, Mel.

BACK TO SCENE

Simon turns the television off.

SIMON

So do we wait here for the fuckin' boyfriend to show or do we go looking?

NUMBERS

My guess is that this guy will show up here. Especially, if we call him and tell him we have his girlfriend. Kimmy, would you be so polite to make a phone call for me?

Kimmy scowls.

CUT TO:

EXT: BEACH.

The sky is gray and only a few people walk the beach.

Kenny sits with his feet dug into the sand while waves CRASH on the shore.

Chester sits beside him wrapped in a thick blanket. He is drinking another Corona. Six more buckets of bait rest by Chester.

CHESTER

I am sorry, man. I didn't mean to make you feel like shit because you threw the briefcase, which might have been worth millions of dollars, into the ocean.

KENNY

No hard feelings. I am just glad they were able to pull you out of the water before you went in to total shock and sunk to the bottom with the briefcase.

Kenny sighs.

KENNY

I think I am going to get the hell out of town. I have to get away, far enough that these two guys will forget about me.

Chester's cellular phone RINGS. He looks at the phone and hands it to Kenny.

CHESTER

This one is all you, buddy.

Kenny slowly takes the phone while Chester pops open another Corona from a six-pack by his side. He hands the beer to Kenny and throws out a handful of bait. Pelicans and seagulls swoop in on it.

KENNY

Hey, Kimmy.

SIMON

(V.O.)

Wrong, fuckface.

A fire-truck with blaring SIRENS zooms by behind them.

KENNY

Who is this? Where's Kimmy?

SIMON

She's doing the fuckin' dishes.

KENNY

You sick son of a bitch, what'd you do with her? Where is she?

SIMON

I just told you, you fuckin' idiot. She cooked me a lovely breakfast and now she is washin' the dishes!

KENNY

Oh, OK.

SIMON

So where is the briefcase? Just give us the fuckin' thing and we will forget this all happened. And maybe we will let your pretty girlfriend live long enough to kick your ass for losing her dog.

Simon LAUGHS through the phone.

KENNY

You want your briefcase? Then meet me downtown tonight in front of the Lewis and Clark statue.

Chester nudges Kenny. Kenny covers the phone.

KENNY

What? This is kind of important.

CHESTER

No good. First, you don't have the briefcase and second, the statue isn't there anymore. Some crazy lady drove it down.

Kenny SIGHS and uncovers the phone.

KENNY

In front of what's left of the statue in public where anyone can witness it if you guys decide to get trigger-happy.

SIMON

Fuckin' beautiful. Ten thirty and leave your balls at home. Oh wait, nevermind, Kimmy has them in a box next to her bed!

Simon LAUGHS again and hangs up.

Meanwhile, Chester laughs at the birds only to turn around to a large Pelican consuming the bait right out of the buckets. He reaches to grab the six-pack of Corona's but the bird spreads it's wings and SQUAWKS in defense.

CHESTER

Keep the damn bait, I just want my beer!

Chester raises his arms and flaps them obnoxiously to scare the bird. Kenny inches away and takes a swig of his beer.

KENNY

Oh, this should be good.

Chester flops around like a chicken. He CLUCKS numerous times and bobs his head back and forth.

KENNY

It isn't a chicken, Chester. Hey, maybe you should be careful. What if you're challenging it or something?

CHESTER

C'mon, it's a stupid Pelican. Nothing more than a mutant seagull.

While speaking, Chester turns his back towards the bird and is unaware that a Pelican roughly twice the size of the first lands. It is as big as a Great Dane.

Chester turns back around while continuing his chicken impersonation.

CHESTER

Oh shit!

The bigger Pelican lunges towards Chester.

CUT TO:

INT: KIMMY'S HOUSE.

Simon buttons up his coat. Numbers extensively wraps duct tape around Kimmy's hands connecting her to the plumbing below the kitchen sink.

SIMON

If there are two things that every criminal should keep in the trunk of their car, they are; a two-liter of Cola and a roll of duct tape. Because Cola is the secret stain-lifter for blood at any crime scene, and when it is luke-warm, it will help you stay awake during any shitty stake-out. Duct tape, because it is the universal fuckin' adhesive. Case and point with you, darling.

Simon smiles at Kimmy while he straightens his collar.

SIMON

Me and Numbers figure it best to get a jump on your boyfriend a little early. While on the phone, I heard some sirens and other faint familiar sounds which direct me to the beach. This shit-hole of a town only has about two miles of people-friendly beach, so he shouldn't be too hard to find. Numbers, shall we?

KIMMY

You animals! What if I have to pee?

SIMON

Jesus Christ! I don't fuckin' know! Aim towards the sink!

KIMMY

With what, my penis? I am a girl, dumb-ass.

Numbers hands Kimmy a roll of paper towels and a bowl all while frowning at Simon.

NUMBERS

Maybe we should let her keep a little of her dignity, Simon. She did cook for us.

SIMON

She also swung a fuckin' ax at my head like I was a Christmas tree. The feisty bitch can piss on herself. I think sparing her life was quite fuckin' polite of me.

Simon fiercely kicks the BOWL away like he is aiming for a soccer goal.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT: CADILLAC JACK'S.

A BOWL of chips and salsa plops down onto the table between Kenny and Hank. Another manager is sitting with them, eating a bacon cheeseburger while intently listening. His name is HAYWOOD.

HANK

Thank you, Jennifer. Can you also refill Mr. Gee's soda for him, please?

The waitress takes the glass and leaves.

A little kid sitting a few seats down spills his soda all over the table and onto the floor. His mother smacks his hand and cleans up the mess.

HANK

Have some chips and salsa on us, Kenny. Go on with your story... explaining why you left your last job, of course.

Hank smoothes his hands over his shiny scalp while smiling with anticipation.

KENNY

Well, things just exploded out of control from there, literally. The town was becoming overwhelmed with college kids coming to party for the holiday weekend and spectators coming to see the dead whale. The cops had their hands full with all these arriving people. And on top of that, what to do with the whale?!

HAYWOOD

So, what did they do? Did they bury it?

KENNY

Negative, Mr. Haywood. They figured it would just resurface due to erosion.

HAYWOOD

Burn it?

Haywood wipes his mouth with his sleeve.

KENNY

I don't think so. That would be like trying to burn wet fire wood. The cops couldn't deal with it, so they called in the local authorities on exposing of big dead sea creatures.

HAYWOOD

And who would that be?

KENNY

Marine biologist majors from the Portland Community College. It was cheap and exciting all at once.

HANK

Ok, back to where you had to meet the guys at the statue. What did you do? I know that if I had two mobsters chasing me, I would run them over with my pickup truck! And then I would feed them to my cats!

Hank motions with his hands like he is steering a truck.

Kenny scratches his head.

KENNY

Sure. Actually, I never made it to the meeting place. These guys were good and they picked me off early.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT: JEEP.

Simon drives while Numbers yawns endlessly.

NUMBERS

I haven't slept in over twenty-four hours.

SIMON

Why don't you pray or something for us to find this prick. Call on Jesus or the Devil or somebody. Get God to smite his ass down so we can get him.

Numbers reaches over and grabs Simon's tie and pulls it.

Simon's face turns red while he grips and controls the steering wheel. He brakes hard and the Jeep stops.

Behind them in traffic, a few cars HONK.

NUMBERS

Hey! Don't you ever say something like that. You should be thankful that God is merciful to scum like you. And I would never ever call upon the prince of darkness for anything. He is the adversary, like a roaring lion, walking about seeking whom he may devour! You want help from someone who will stab you in the back when you turn away? Simon, don't utter another word about God, or the Christ.

SIMON

Or what? You wouldn't do anything because...

CUT TO:

EXT: TRAFFIC.

The Jeep sits at a dead stop in traffic. Cars are piling up behind it. Most of the cars are honking while the drivers are cursing out their windows.

CUT TO:

INT: JEEP.

NUMBERS

No, I wouldn't do anything. But don't think that God isn't keeping score. He works in mysterious ways, Simon.

Numbers let's go and leans back in his seat. Simon rubs his throat.

SIMON

I am desperate here. I am fuckin' tired and am running out of time to get this briefcase back. Forgive me you fucking monk if I am willing to try anything to get this mess cleaned up. You can be holier than now, but I am not a God fearing man. So why don't you get that through your fuckin' cranium!

Simon taps on his cranium and sighs. Numbers shakes his head in disbelief.

NUMBERS

You don't believe in God, do you?

SIMON

Yeah, I do. About as much as I believe in Jesus, Mary, and the fuckin' Easter bunny. Listen up, man. I got a lot of bad shit that's gone down in me life and anytime I ever prayed to God for help, he just ignored me. So I figure he treats me like I don't exist, so I treat him the same. And I don't believe in no man who lived perfectly and bled to death on a cross. It is far too much for even my fucked up brain to imagine.

Another car HONKS.

NUMBERS

That's only because you know nothing about God. Your puny little brain cannot handle everything there is to know about the Almighty One. Can you understand what it is to exist with no beginning and no end?

SIMON

Don't fuckin' preach to me choir-boy. I am done with this conversation. The only way I am gonna believe in God is if he comes up to me and hands me a fuckin' business card with his name on it. And even then, only maybe!

A man KNOCKS on the window. Simon rolls it down.

SIMON

Can I fuckin' help you?

MAN

Do you mind moving along, pal. You're holding up traffic!

Simon reaches out the window and grabs the man's testacles.

The man YELPS and cowers.

SIMON

Unless you have some kind of fuckin' idea as to where my briefcase is, I suggest you hobble back to where you came from and be thankful that I didn't waste my time getting out of the car. Understood?

The man WIMPERS and Simon releases him. The man limps back to his car.

SIMON

Fuckin' queer, I think he liked it. Let's go get some caffeine.

NUMBERS

Learn that one from Kimmy?

SIMON

Hell yeah. I was just seizing the moment. But you know, that aggressive little trollop would make a fine addition to our team. She has some guts!

Numbers shakes his head as the Jeep speeds off.

CUT TO:

EXT: BEACH.

The dead whale is sprawled out belly up on the sand like a fat man tanning. Flies BUZZ around and dozens of spectators touch it and take pictures.

Kenny and Chester stand off to the side. Chester is holding a cold beer to the fresh BRUISE on his forehead. A television news crew is setting up a camera and equipment.

CHESTER

I didn't know I was doing a mating ritual, I swear. I was just trying to get my beer. Oh man, that fucking bird was pissed! He must have thought I was going for his girl.

KENNY

I warned you. You should count your blessings you caught it with that wide right hook or else it might...

Chester points to the whale.

CHESTER

(interrupting)

Whoa! Look at that thing. It's like two tons of raw sushi!

KENNY

Sushi is raw, Chester.

CHESTER

Whatever. Let's go touch it.

They push their way to the whale. They both pet it and press on it.

CHESTER

Eeew, gross. It feels like a sweaty armpit. All hairy and fat and slimy.

Chester smells his fingers and then pushes them into Kenny's face.

CHESTER

Smell them. They smell like fish!

Kenny swats his hand away.

KENNY

That's classy, especially from a man who was dressed like a penguin only a few hours ago and just sucker-punched a Pelican.

Besides them, a news crew sets up. News reporter, SHAUNA SPARKS, fluffs her red hair and pulls the microphone close to her mouth like she is going to lick it. The camera-man raises his hand with three fingers open. He closes one finger, then the other, and points to Shauna.

SHAUNA

Hello Seaside. This is Shauna Sparks reporting from the scene of the washed up dead whale. The Portland authorities have handed the situation over to the eager, young crew of Marine Biology majors from Portland CC. They have been in meeting for the last hour deciding what will be done with this "whale of a problem."

Shauna smiles vacantly.

SHAUNA

But before we hear from the students, let's get a couple inside opinions on what should be done with the whale from our very own folks here in Seaside.

BROTHER HECTOR steps in front of the camera. He has a long beard, a tie-dyed shirt, and ripped denim shorts.

SHAUNA

This is Hector of...

BROTHER HECTOR

(interrupting)

Brother Hector. I am one of the sons of mother earth and a brother to all her beautiful animals. We refuse to eat her animals!

SHAUNA

Very well. BROTHER Hector is a founding member of the Seaside Beaches Coalition to Save the Ocean Animals. What do you think should be done with this whale?

BROTHER HECTOR

It isn't just a whale. It is my brother. He deserves a proper burial and funeral. He is just another innocent ocean creature washed up on these shores due to the evil oil companies' carnal lust for black gold.

SHAUNA

So you are suggesting we dig a hole and bury him? Wouldn't that be expensive and laboring? And wouldn't it just resurface?

BROTHER HECTOR

Um. Well, I hadn't considered the, um...

Brother Hector stands silent for a few moments. His face twitches, his hands curl into fists, and his eyes bug out of his head.

BROTHER HECTOR

FUCK the oil companies. FUCK them and...

Shauna grimaces and pulls the microphone away from him. She steps aside.

SHAUNA

Thank you, Brother Hector. Let's hear from someone else.

Shauna pulls Kenny from the crowd.

SHAUNA

Hello, fellow Seasider. What do you think should be done with the whale?

Kenny is camera shy. He glares into the camera like a deer staring at oncoming headlights.

KENNY

Huh, what?

SHAUNA

What do you think should be done with the whale?

KENNY

Oh, the whale! Yeah, um. What was the question?

Chester steps in.

CHESTER

Hey, I know.

Shauna slides the microphone in front of Chester.

CHESTER

I figure that it is a big, giant piece of raw fish. And who likes raw fish more than the Asians? I say we equip all the Asians in town with gallons of soy sauce and chop sticks and let them give this thing the burial it deserves!

Chester squints his eyes, and opens and closes his fingers like chopsticks.

SHAUNA

OK. Well, there you have it Seaside. The town has voiced it's opinion. Now, let's speak to one of the marine biology students.

DOLPH is a Russian student. He has a square head and is tall. He waves to the camera.

SHAUNA

Welcome, Mr. Dolph I-gone-for-gillif. You are a...

DOLPH

(interrupting, Russian accent)

Igonkorloff.

SHAUNA

Iguana-kill-griff.

DOLPH

Igonkorloff.

SHAUNA

Eegon-carl-loft.

DOLPH

Igonkorloff.

SHAUNA

Anyways, Mr. I-go-con-laugh, you are a marine biology student at the Portland Community College? This must be an exciting moment for you and your friends, or should I say "comrades?"

Shauna winks at the camera.

DOLPH

Yes, Shauna. We are feeling good that we made the right decision. We discussed all possible ways of disposing of the whale and we have come to a conclusion.

SHAUNA

Go on, we are all anxious to know.

DOLPH

We plan to blow it up.

Dolph motions with his hands like something is blowing up. Shauna stands confused.

SHAUNA

Blow it up? Like a firecracker?

DOLPH

No, no. We will not use firecrackers. We will strap high quantities of explosive to it and blow it into lots of little pieces for all the other sea creatures to eat.

SHAUNA

Aren't you afraid that it will be messy? What if it explodes into a few large pieces or what if it just blows a huge hole into the ground? Or what if...

BROTHER HECTOR stumbles in front of them both.

BROTHER HECTOR

Fuck'em all! Fuck the oil companies and the cruise liners and the aliens!

Chester tackles Brother Hector, stands up, and dusts the sand off himself.

CHESTER

You see what happens when you deprive a man of red meat!

Shauna steps up close to the camera.

SHAUNA

(quickly)

That's all for now. We will back later this evening for the explosion.

Behind Shauna, Kenny still stares blankly into the camera.

CUT TO:

INT: MINNIE'S MART.

Numbers and Simon stare at a television behind the clerk.

INSERT: TELEVISION

Kenny stands as still as a statue while Chester picks sand out of his ass. Shauna waves to the camera with Dolph. Behind them is the dead whale.

BACK TO SCENE

Numbers throws down a ten-dollar bill and scrambles out the door with Simon. They accidentally knock over a cardboard display of goldfish crackers.

The Jeep SCREECHES out of the parking lot.

CUT TO:

EXT: BOARDWALK.

The sky is dark and neon lights illuminate the people populated boardwalk. Kids scurry around chomping on bubble gum. College students smoke cigarettes and laugh obnoxiously. Tourists fumble with maps and photography equipment.

Kenny and Chester stroll along.

CHESTER

It is nine-thirty. We have an hour until they show up. C'mon, one more beer. I swear it will be quick. Don't let me lose my beer-buzz, man.

KENNY

I need to focus, Chester. I am calling it quits at two.

CHESTER

Fine. But I am at my best when the cerveza is flowing through my veins. It puts me in the zone, man! I am like a frickin' hawk flying high above, looking for that little field mouse.

Kenny walks away. Chester raises his hands and CLAWS at the air unaware that he no longer holds the attention or company of Kenny.

CHESTER

(continuing)

And then I swoop down and grapple that little rodent. I crunch through his little neck and suck out his blood. No, no, only bats and Alice Cooper do that. I would...

Chester looks around for Kenny.

CHESTER

Kenny?! Where'd you go, man? Um, ok. Well, I will be in the bar grabbing another cold one.

Chester shrugs and dances into a bar.

CUT TO:

EXT: BOARDWALK.

Kenny stands amongst a group of people across the street from Chester. He appears to be in deep thought as he watches Chester disappearing into the bar.

KENNY

(to himself)

Sorry, man. I need to do this on my own. I don't want anyone else getting any more involved or hurt.

Kenny walks down the crowded sidewalk until the large quantities of people diminish and disperse. He hops into his car and drives off.

CUT TO:

INT: JEEP.

Simon SNAPS and points at the red car as it drives by in the other lane of traffic.

SIMON

Their goes our boy!

The Jeep maneuvers a wild u-turn in traffic causing a couple other cars to smash into each other. They burn rubber after Kenny.

CUT TO:

EXT: STREET.

Kenny cruises along in his car past convenience stores and closed down shops.

The Jeep slams into the rear of Kenny's car at seventy miles per hour. Kenny turns around quickly to see Simon and Numbers in the black Jeep behind him.

He slams on the gas and blows through a red light. The Jeep drops back and swerves around another car in the intersection avoiding a crash. Kenny keeps flying down the street. His car zooms over a hill and catches some air only to have the front bumper SLAM into the ground. SPARKS sputter from beneath the car as the bumper pops off and spins in the street.

Suddenly, a parked police car bursts out of a dark alley with it's sirens WAILING. It is in hot pursuit of Kenny.

KENNY

Oh shit!

Kenny pulls over in front of Barnacle Bill's miniature golf fun center. The police car pulls in behind Kenny.

Out steps OFFICER BARRY DAVIS. He is about forty-five with a chest like a barrel and a thick black mustache.

He strides up to Kenny.

BARRY

Good evening, son. You mind telling me where you were going in such a hurry? And you do know that you left your bumper back there in the road, right?

Kenny reads Barry's badge as he leans in the car.

INSERT: BADGE

Officer Barry Davis

BACK TO SCENE

Kenny takes a long, dry gulp of air as he recognizes his own reflection in the officer's silver glasses.

KENNY

Yes, sir. I am actually on my way to see the whale explosion. I am hurrying because I...I...I just don't want to miss any of it.

BARRY

Sure. You realize that the festivities are the other way, right? You're heading out of town in this direction.

KENNY

Oh, I must have gotten bad directions, I guess.

BARRY

Right. Let's see that license, registration, and insurance.

Kenny fumbles around in the glove compartment and his back pocket and emerges with the paperwork. He hands it all to the cop. Barry stands and checks it.

Behind Barry, the Jeep slowly drives by with Simon leaning out the window giving Kenny the middle finger. The Jeep drives into a parking lot across the street and waits.

BARRY

Well, I had no idea. I must say that I am quite a closet fan of your work, Kenny.

KENNY

What? I am sorry. Say that again?

BARRY

I mean, with the haircut and all I never would have noticed. Although, I thought maybe you might have been driving something a little nicer.

KENNY

What? I am lost.

BARRY

It is OK, son. I am not going to write you a ticket. But can I ask you a small favor?

KENNY

Uh, sure. Why no ticket?

BARRY

This is great, hang on a second. My wife is never going to believe this!

Barry quickly scurries to his police car and returns with a cd case, a marker and a soprano saxophone. He hands the cd case and marker to Kenny. Kenny looks at the cd case in his hand.

INSERT: CD CASE

KENNY GEE. Saxual Ballads

Kenny opens the case and signs it with the marker. As he hands it back to Barry, Barry exchanges it for the saxophone.

Kenny awkwardly fumbles the saxophone.

BARRY

Please, just for a few moments.

KENNY

You want me to play this thing?

BARRY

No, I want you to shove it up your ass, son. Of course I want to hear you play it! All of us men around the world were afraid to come out and play the soprano saxophone until you did it and sold all those records and proved so many people wrong! You proved that it is OK for a man to be in touch with his feminine side and slide his fingers up and down that instrument like he was making love to it until it moaned a soft melody! Don't you get it? You are the man, Kenny Gee!

Kenny catches on.

KENNY

Oh, I see!

Barry plugs the sax forcefully into Kenny's mouth.

BARRY

Go on, play me your favorite one.

Kenny gracelessly handles the instrument and blows out a few SQUEAKY sounds. He then repositions himself and plays an awful and plain rendition of "Hot Crossed Buns." A few seconds of uncomfortable silence pass after Kenny finishes. Barry's expression changes from bewildered to delighted.

BARRY

That was marvelous and breathtaking!

So poetic that you played something so elementary. Honestly, it is not quite like I remember, but it still strikes a nerve. Go ahead and get out of here, Mr. Gee. I can't possibly write you a ticket.

Kenny hands back the saxophone and starts his car.

BARRY

Oh yeah, make sure you go back the way you came to catch the whale. And please, slow down, sir.

Barry stands staring for another few seconds, shivers, and proudly walks back to his police car.

Kenny hesitantly flips his u-turn and heads back to the boardwalk. The Jeep follows in pursuit.

CUT TO:

EXT: BEACH.

The dead whale still lies in the sand surrounded by hundreds of people. Vendors are selling t-shirts.

INSERT: T-SHIRTS

The blowjob of the century!

Watch us shoot our sperm whale everywhere!

BACK TO SCENE

Protestors from the Seaside Beaches Coalition to Save the Ocean Animals picket with signs while the college students work with police officials to secure the whale with explosives. It is complete MAYHEM.

CUT TO:

EXT: STREET.

Kenny speeds along with the Jeep only half a block behind him.

He slams on the brake and SCREECHES to a halt, only inches from the car in front of him. Traffic is at a dead stop.

Up ahead, the police are directing traffic. Red and Blue lights FLASH from the police cars.

A few more cars lull to a stop around Kenny. He tries to back up, but is stuck in front of an old Ford pick-up truck with a ladder on it. Kenny panics and hops out of his car. The Jeep also SKIDS in an attempt to stop but slams into the back of the pickup truck. The ladder flips off the truck.

Simon jumps out of the Jeep with Numbers.

SIMON

Awww! I couldn't see shit over that fuckin' hill!

NUMBERS

Hey, there he is!

Numbers points to Kenny running into a crowd of people.

NUMBERS

Simon, you handle the accident. I will catch the kid!

SIMON

That ain't very exciting. Twist his fuckin' nuts good for me, Numbers!

Numbers pursues Kenny. Simon walks around to the front of the Jeep. Broken glass glitters on the asphalt.

SIMON

Holy Jesus fuckin' Christ, what a mess.

A man steps out of the Ford. His name is XAVIER. He is broad-shouldered with some red scruffy facial hair and long red hair tied back in a ponytail. He wears denim jeans and a white t-shirt.

XAVIER

You should be a little careful of who you're cursing. My name is XAVIER, by the way.

Xavier extends his hand to Simon for a handshake. Simon ignores him.

SIMON

Do we need to call the police for this, man? I think not. They look a little busy trying to calm the masses while disposing of a whale. Why don't we just exchange some driver information and my people will contact your people. Sound good?

Xavier smiles.

XAVIER

You think that is the honest approach to this situation, Simon? I will leave it up to you.

SIMON

Fuck yeah! Give me your name and stuff and then we can be off on our own ways. This one is for the insurance companies.

Xavier digs a business card out of his back pocket and hands it to Simon. Simon grabs it, nods, and walks away.

Xavier stands, watching Simon. Simon glances at the card and then looks at it again closely.

INSERT: BUSINESS CARD

"The Father and The Son, carpenters and more"

Pressure washing away the sins of the world and nailing them to a cross-beam, especially yours, Simon.

BACK TO SCENE

Xavier stands smiling. He extends his hand to Simon, again. Simon slowly inches closer to Xavier.

XAVIER

I see we have your attention, Simon. My Father sent me to do his will here in Seaside. He is sorry he couldn't deliver the card himself, but only because you might go blind if you behold him in all his glory. No man has ever seen him, Simon. So please don't feel ignored. You know, you remind me of another guy my father recruited, his name was Paul.

Simon's turns white as a ghost as all the blood rushes from his face.

SIMON

What is going on here? Am I dead?

XAVIER

No, you're just experiencing unmerited divine mercy. Listen carefully, Simon, because right now your life needs to change!

Xavier throws his arm around Simon and walks with him.

CUT TO:

EXT: BOARDWALK.

Kenny weaves in and out of groups of people while trying to lose Numbers. He stumbles into a barricade of Police officers and blinking sawhorses blocking the sidewalk and streets. Kenny is panting while leaning on a sawhorse.

POLICE OFFICER

Excuse me, son.

Kenny notices the officer speaking to him.

KENNY

Hey, I need to get through here. My car is parked in one of those parking lots ahead.

POLICE OFFICER

Nope. This is the beginning of the designated blast zone as appointed by authorities. The zone stretches for the remainder of the block. The students predict a small shower of seawater, and sand to sprinkle down onto the street. They don't want anyone getting hurt by the possibility of other falling debris. You need to wait until the morning. Sorry.

KENNY

How long until the blast?

POLICE OFFICER

About fifteen minutes.

Kenny turns and sees Numbers pushing through the crowd looking for him. Kenny frantically looks around for somewhere to go. He notices a church squeezed between a bar and a nightclub with a narrow alley on one side. The neon light outside the building flickers.

INSERT: NEON LIGHT

"God is near, he is in here!"

BACK TO SCENE

Kenny scurries into the church.

CUT TO:

EXT: BEACH.

The tide slowly washes in as police clear spectators to a reasonable distance from the whale. Fifty yards of wire connect the whale to a detonator.

Brother Hector screams at the college students as an officer attempts to hold him back. The news crew sets up for another live broadcast.

BROTHER HECTOR

This is murder! Leave my brother whale alone!

Brother Hector turns to a few of his followers.

BROTHER HECTOR

Are you ready to prove your worth to the Seaside Beaches Coalition? If so, then follow me my brothers!

Brother Hector points towards a group of people across the beach and yells at the cop in front of him.

BROTHER HECTOR

Look, over there, it's Jesus!

The officer looks briefly.

Suddenly, Brother Hector rushes from the barricade followed by a few of his fellow coalition members. The officer chases them down and tackles one of them. Other officers close in on the chase. Brother Hector piles onto the officer and coalition member and unholsters the officer's gun. He waves it around wildly.

CUT TO:

INT: CHURCH.

As soon as Kenny enters, everyone turns and watches him.

All the pews are nearly full and everyone is black. An evangelist stands at the podium and motions for Kenny to come in. The evangelist is REVERAND TOMMIE CARMICHAEL.

The banner hanging behind him says so.

TOMMIE

Are you lost brother? Well, you have come to the right place. Have a seat and listen to the good words of the Lord. You are safe here.

Kenny squeezes himself into the edge of a pew next to a large woman in bright pink. She smiles pleasantly at him. Kenny smiles back and watches the Reverend.

TOMMIE

(fiery sermon)

And after they cast lots, they threw Jonah into the ocean and he sank down to the deep. And that great fish that God had prepared swallowed up Jonah. In the belly of the giant fish was he three days and three nights. And in the belly of the fish he prayed. He prayed to the almighty! He prayed for his life! He knew he had made a mistake, A TERRIBLE MISTAKE and needed God to help him. His life was in peril! Do we need our lives to be in peril for us to finally approach the Lord and pray for help? People, we make dozens of mistakes every day, some of them little and some of them TERRIBLE! It isn't about trying to be perfect, because you will never attain perfection. But, rather, being mindful of the mistakes you make and revising your actions and thoughts so that you do not fall into the same hole twice! God is merciful, folks! He is waiting for YOU.

The entire congregation shouts out, "hallelujah!" Kenny listens in awe and screams aloud out of unison.

KENNY

Hallelujah!

Everyone looks at him again and then at the door as Numbers stumbles into the church.

TOMMIE

Oh my, we have all kinds of lost souls finding the Lord on this blessed Saturday night mass! Have a seat my weary and troubled friend as I finish my account of Jonah and the big fish.

Numbers looks around and notices the single white person, Kenny, in the room. Numbers stuffs himself into a pew full of kids.

CUT TO:

EXT: BEACH.

Shauna Sparks rubs lipstick off her teeth while she stands in front of the camera with the microphone. Her cameraman points to her.

Behind her, Brother Hector nervously wields a gun. He is sweating and shaking.

SHAUNA

Good evening, Seaside. This is your very own Shauna Sparks reporting live, once again, from the whale blast zone. Things have gone from bad to worse as one of the protesters has pulled a gun on police with only five minutes until the explosion. He is demanding the release of the whale or he will open fire.

Brother Hector hops in front of the camera.

BROTHER HECTOR

This is fucking murder!

Behind him, a police officer creeps up and wrestles the gun from his hand. Brother Hector panics and fires a shot into the air. The officer backs off. A flock of six Pelicans fly off of a series of wooden posts out in the ocean. They take flight over head.

BROTHER HECTOR

You thought I couldn't do it, huh? I will shoot! Just stay away and nobody will get hurt! Now...

A pile of CREAMY bird crap SPLATTERS down on Brother Hector's face. He stumbles in the sand for a second and shoots off a couple of rounds into the air. A loud SQUAWK bellows from one of the Pelicans up above as it is hit. The giant bird goes into a tailspin and hurdles down toward the edge of the crowd. It SLAMS into Dolph.

Dolph lunges forward and the remote for the detonator flops out of his hand.

CUT TO:

INT: CHURCH.

TOMMIE

In closing, all I ask is that you be honest with yourself and with God. He will not let you down. Just seek him FIRST. Have a good night. And oh yes, don't forget about the Lake of Fire chili cook-off this weekend!

Kenny pushes through all the people as they give the evangelist a standing ovation. He slides out a side door of the church. Numbers pursues him.

CUT TO:

EXT: ALLEY.

Kenny scrambles into the alley and looks around. To his right is the swarm of people on the street. To his left, is a chain-linked fence leading to the beach. He scales the fence and hops down onto the sand on the other side.

Numbers is still in pursuit.

CUT TO:

EXT: BEACH.

Kenny tries to run through the sand but staggers to a lull. He tears his shoes off his feet and throws them at Numbers. Numbers bats them away.

CUT TO:

EXT: BEACH.

The detonator lands face down on the sand and makes a loud, long BLEEEEEEEP.

Suddenly, all the charges attached to the whale explode. One blinding white burst after another. The top of the whale leaves the sandy floor of the beach in a few large indistinguishable pieces. The entire crowd stands watching in complete awe as the bright reflection of the explosion illuminates their faces. A forceful blast of sand and water hits them and they all stumble back into the sand.

CUT TO:

EXT: BEACH.

About one hundred yards south, is the whale explosion.

Numbers and Kenny shield their faces from a spray of sand. Numbers claws the sand from his eyes. Kenny crawls away while coughing and gagging.

CUT TO:

EXT: JACKSON'S HOUSE.

Earl sips a can of beer while transfixed on the television. He watches a baseball game through the glass sliding door. He pokes at the burning charcoals with a big fork. Shonda slides the door open and comes out. She is on the telephone with her sister.

SHONDA

(to her sister)

So, they found the girl taped to the plumbing under the kitchen sink? How'd she contact the police?

The reception on the television becomes distorted.

EARL

Oh, damn satellite television. Honey, will you please throw that London broil on the grill while I fix the tv.

Earl marches inside and smacks the television a few times. Shonda follows him inside and closes the door.

She doesn't hear his request because she is too involved in her phone gossip. She watches him as he continues to mess with the television.

SHONDA

Thank the lord in heaven the dog was wearing his tags or else they wouldn't have found her. I'll bet she was all hopped up on that cocaine that these kids are doing these days.

Neither Shonda or Earl pay attention to the barbecue.

Suddenly, a large blubbery slab of whale meat drops down from the sky onto the grill and begins SIZZLING. Some other pieces of guts land in the tree. The television returns to normal and Earl steps back outside. He curiously inspects the piece of meat on the grill.

EARL

Damn woman, always picking out the fattiest pieces of meat at the store like she is trying to kill me. Might as well just pack the fat all around my heart right now.

He shrugs, and flips the chunk of whale blubber over. It has grill marks and is bubbling with juice. He brushes it down with barbecue sauce.

CUT TO:

EXT: BEACH.

The people get up from the ground and applaud and cheer for the dead whale. It is opened up like a freshly smashed watermelon. Pink and purple guts lay strewn out for thirty yards in every direction. The whale's remnants smolder and smoke.

Shauna Sparks collects herself and directs her attention to the camera.

SHAUNA

We're back, Seaside, at the whale blast zone. Just seconds ago behind me, the detonation occurred. Oddly, it was four minutes before the scheduled time. I am sure that some of you watching at home experienced some temporary difficulties as the premature blast of sperm whale might have disrupted the live satellite feed. We will attempt, however, to replay the blast for you in a few moments.

Shauna smiles at the camera.

Overhead, a fine mist of whale blood and sea water falls. It immediately thickens to a hearty rainfall as if someone is dumping two tons of whale stew over the crowd. Sloppy whale guts drop down on Shauna's head and one large lump takes out the camera and cameraman. The crowd behind Shauna is also splattered in whale blood and guts. People start falling down as they are pummeled by falling hunks of burning whale blubber. They are screaming and running in panic. Once again, it is complete mayhem.

CUT TO:

EXT: STREET.

Cars and trucks are bumper to bumper. The drivers and passengers are getting out of their cars. Everyone is focusing their silent attention on the explosion out on the beach.

A rocketing trail of fire, whale guts, and blood soars into the sky. It mushrooms once it peeks and then descends down upon the boardwalk. A few people point.

Others get back into their cars and roll up the windows.

The red mist sprinkles down on the cars and people.

Then, the rainfall of blood drips down, followed by the quick, steady shower of dead whale innards.

Everything within a two-block radius receives a liberal bathing of blood. Whale guts SMASH signs and car windshields.

SPECTATOR #1

Look out!

The Spectator dives out of the way as one slab of whale blubber roughly the size of a twin mattress SLAMS into his car. It crushes the hood and front windshield in a flurry of WET, SLOPPY CRUNCHING sounds. Shards of glass spiral through the air.

A few other large miscellaneous pieces of the whale become embedded into buildings and kiosks. The bad weather and falling debris lasts for about twenty seconds.

CUT TO:

EXT. BEACH.

Kenny sits covered in blood and sand. He wipes his face with his sleeve but only smears everything around.

Numbers stands over him covered in the same mess.

Numbers pulls a handkerchief out of his back pocket and wipes his face. Numbers plops down beside Kenny in the pink sand.

NUMBERS

I am through with chasing you.

KENNY

Don't worry, I am not moving. I haven't moved in years. I am stuck, in a rut, looking for an out from my crappy girlfriend, crappy job, crappy car. I thought that briefcase might have something in it of value, I thought it might be my out, my escape from my bland life. THIS HAS ALL BEEN A HUGE MISTAKE!

NUMBERS

I am really not in the mood to have a heart to heart with you right now. Or ever, as a matter of fact. I just want my briefcase. Where is it Kenny?

KENNY

I was sitting in that church and that evangelist's words made more sense in those two short minutes than any other piece of advice anyone has ever given me in my entire life.

NUMBERS

The briefcase, Kenny!

KENNY

I don't have it. It, it...

Kenny stalls while Numbers spits out some sand.

NUMBERS

Then, who does?

Kenny chuckles.

KENNY

Aquaman, for all I know.

NUMBERS

Don't make me swear, Kenny. Where is the DAMN briefcase?!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT: CADILLAC JACK'S.

Kenny sits silent. Hank, Haywood, and six other people intently listen as they stand around Kenny.

HANK

How'd you manage to explain the briefcase being swallowed by the whale?

Kenny shrugs.

KENNY

I didn't, really. The briefcase just kind of dropped out of the sky. NOTHING short of a miracle!

CHAD approaches Haywood. He is a food server and he has tartar and cocktail sauce smeared down his black shirt and apron.

CHAD

Excuse me, sir. I just dropped a fried fish platter, some tartar sauce, and cocktail sauce on a lady and her kid. Well, on myself too. Would you be able to go talk to her? She is a little upset with me right now.

HAYWOOD

Yeah, in a minute Chad. So, did the briefcase literally just fall come out of the sky?

KENNY

Do you want to go handle that lady first and I can continue when you get back?

HAYWOOD

Nah, Hank will go talk to her.

Hank looks surprised.

HANK

Me? Why me? You go.

A lady walks by behind them towards the bathroom with red and white sauces on her head and blouse.

HAYWOOD

Chad, go offer her free desert or something. Ok, please continue, Kenny.

CHAD

Uh, ok.

Chad scratches his head and slowly walks away.

Kenny looks unsure of what just happened. Hank wipes his mouth on his sleeve again.

HANK

Please, continue.

CUT TO:

EXT: BEACH.

Numbers and Kenny sit side by side both looking unsure of what to do or say. Numbers cracks his knuckles.

NUMBERS

Kenny, it is important that you remember where you placed the briefcase because...

Twenty feet away, the briefcase crashes into the sand.

It is swamped in whale guts and seaweed and the leather is wrinkled. The lock pops open. Both men hop to their feet and step towards the briefcase.

KENNY

Impossible.

NUMBERS

Did that briefcase just fall from the sky? Kenny, you should be counting your blessings right now.

KENNY

There's no way. I have a better chance of being struck by lightning with my luck!

NUMBERS

Someone up above is looking out for you.

Kenny peers inside the briefcase. His face expresses confusion.

KENNY

What? That's what's in there? All this time I have been on the run for..for..that!

Kenny points at the briefcase. Numbers closes it and grips it tightly.

NUMBERS

It doesn't surprise me. If you knew who this thing belonged too, you wouldn't have ever bothered.

Numbers walks away. He stops and turns around.

NUMBERS

Hey, by the way. Tell Kimmy I am sorry about the whole kitchen sink thing. Here is my card, please make sure she gets it. And you, you should get out of town for a bit.

Numbers jams a business card in Kenny's shirt pocket and walks away.

CUT TO:

INT: KENNY'S HOUSE. FOLLOWING MORNING.

The house is still a mess. The cool light of the morning pours in through the windows while Kenny is asleep on the couch. He is in pajama bottoms and a thermal. The television quietly buzzes.

INSERT: TELEVISION

Mitch and Melanie in the Morning. Mitch is shuffling papers while Melanie adjusts her microphone.

MELANIE

Welcome back, Seaside. It is half past seven and time for our early weather report with Peter Tannenbaum.

Peter wears a tie with an apple on it.

MELANIE

Well, Peter, good morning. We see that you have changed your neck-tie midweek. Any particular reason?

Peter straightens his tie.

PETER

Well, actually Melanie. I figured that the whale tie might have been slightly inappropriate after yesterday's events for many reasons I would rather not discuss. But I am willing to discuss the weather!

MELANIE

Sure, Peter.

PETER

Well, once again. I am predicting RAIN. About...

MELANIE

(interrupting)

Hey, Peter. Whatabout the SEVEN whole inches you promised me last night? I can't say I got any at all.

Peter stands silent for a moment. Mitch busts out laughing.

PETER

For all our people watching this morning. Let me clarify that Melanie is talking about rain.

Peter smiles with complete victory towards the camera as Melanie turns crimson red.

BACK TO SCENE

Kenny awakens to someone POUNDING on the front door. He rolls over and off the couch. The POUNDING continues. He staggers to the door and opens it as the phone begins to RING. He opens the door.

Kimmy steps in and slugs him in the nose. Kenny stumbles back and falls onto his butt. The phone RINGS again.

KIMMY

That was for my Pudding! My poor girl was running through the streets lost and scared because you left the front door open! And then, these two crazy men break into my house and threaten my life because you won't give them back their briefcase. And then they tie me to the plumbing under the sink and I am forced to pee on myself! That's it, Kenny, I am through. I am through with you! I should've ended it a few months ago when you publicly accused that old lady in the wheelchair of stealing your wallet! How embarrassing our entire relationship has been!

Kimmy stands over Kenny. The phone RINGS.

KENNY

Great. Hey, before you leave forever there is something on the table for you from Letters, or Numbers, or whatever his name was. He left you a business card. I don't know.

She strides to the table and pockets the card while Kenny clutches his nose. The phone RINGS again and the answering machine CLICKS on.

ANSWERING MACHINE

(KENNY)

Hey, you just missed me, leave a message.

CHESTER

(V.O.)

Hey dude, you alive? Did you see that fucking whale last night? It was like bloody confetti or something out of a vampire movie! I bet Kimmie would have loved it, that blood-sucking bitch. Haha! Come on, Kenny, pick up the phone.(pause) OK, I will be over in a few minutes.

Kimmy scowls and leaves. She manages to step on Kenny's chest while stomping out of the house.

CUT TO:

EXT: BEACH.

Seagulls and crabs pick at the remains of the whale.

Nobody is around except for Kenny and Chester. They sit in the sand. One Pelican lands beside Chester. It is wearing bandages across it's wing. It looks at Chester and SQUAWKS.

CHESTER

Just in time for a rematch, eh?

Chester rolls up his sleeves and begins to stand up.

Kenny pulls him back down into the sand.

KENNY

Don't embarrass yourself, again.

Chester drops down into the sand.

CHESTER

You're damn lucky, bird!

Kenny shakes his head.

KENNY

That briefcase was no good from the get-go, Chester. It afflicted everyone with greed and delusion. It put Rosa in the hospital. It got Kimmy in a fight. It wrecked a square mile of Seaside. It got me into some serious trouble and it ended the poor life of that whale. Isn't it amazing to what extremes greed will take someone?

CHESTER

Are you having an epiphany or something, man? You must be, because I know you wouldn't be fagging out on me this early in the morning!

KENNY

I don't know. I've been through a lot in the last thirty-six hours. It all got me thinking about how I have been settling. Settling for just enough to get by or settling for what I thought made me happy. I am going to leave Seaside for awhile, adventure out and try something new.

CHESTER

What? No! You can't leave...

KENNY

(interrupting)

I need to. I have to.

CHESTER

No, you can't leave until we go get some breakfast. You promised to buy if we came and saw the whale.

Chester hops to his feet. Kenny stands up and dusts the sand off.

CHESTER

Besides, you'll be back. You'll miss me too damn much!

Kenny laughs as he puts his arm around Chester.

KENNY

Very true.

Chester turns and flips the bird off as they leave.

CUT TO:

INT: CADILLAC JACK'S.

Hank, Haywood, and company stand around Kenny. Hank slowly starts to CLAP followed by everyone until Kenny is surrounded by APPLAUSE. He extends his hand towards Kenny.

HANK

That was a fascinating story, Kenny. You proved to me, in this interview, that you are a man of character and ethic. We would love to have you on our team!

KENNY

Thanks, Hank and Mr. Haywood. But I think I am going to keep looking. I am not sure that this job is for me. I think this will be too much like what I had in Seaside. Portland is nice, but I think I need to keep driving.

HANK

OK, well we don't want you to "settle" or "make another mistake."

Hank reaches out to shake Kenny's hand.

KENNY

Yes! That's right. Well, thank you for being understanding, Hank. I didn't mean to waste your time but you guys seemed to be so enthralled in my story that I didn't want to leave you hanging. I was actually ready to walk out of here an hour ago.

HANK

No worries, Kenny. I hope you will reconsider our offer to you.

Kenny shakes Hanks hand and waves to everyone as he leaves.

Hank still stands there smiling. Haywood nudges him.

HAYWOOD

So what was in the briefcase?

CUT TO:

INT: NUMBER'S APARTMENT.

Number's sits at his desk reading. The phone RINGS and he answers it.

NUMBERS

Number's Retrieval Services.

MR. TORRINI

(V.O.)

Good morning, Numbers. This is Mr. Torrini and I have a job for you and Simon.

NUMBERS

Hey, nice to hear from you Mr. Torrini. But I am afraid that I am a one-man show for the time being.

MR. TORRINI

Aww, that's a shame. Did Simon kick the bucket?

NUMBERS

No. He found Jesus. Well, actually, he said that Jesus found him. Honestly, I am a little overwhelmed by his sudden decision to leave, but I am very understanding of his new view on life. He has changed his image and ways for the best.

MR. TORRINI

Hmmm. Well, I have a job for you. But it requires two men to do it. Definitely not a one man gig. If you can figure something out in the next few days than the offer will be on the table for you. Contact me when you know something.

NUMBERS

Yes, sir. I think I have an idea.

Numbers hangs up the phone and smiles.

CUT TO:

INT: KIMMY'S HOUSE.

Kimmy is in the kitchen making a sandwich. Pudding sits attentively by her side.

KIMMY

That's right, mommy is making you something delicious. She knows that her poor girl was traumatized. Ooops, no crust on the bread.

Kimmy cuts the crust off the bread. A knock on the door sends Pudding into a flurry of deep BARKS.

Kimmy strolls into the living room and looks through the peephole:

INSERT: PEEPHOLE

The little kid, Kyle, stands there.

BACK TO SCENE

She opens the door.

KIMMY

Well, hi there. What can I do for you?

KYLE

This man asked me to knock on your door.

The little kid points to his left. Numbers steps into Kimmy's view. He hands the kid twenty dollars and the kid scurries away.

NUMBERS

Hey, Kimmy. Did you get my card?

She tries to slam the door but he blocks it with his foot.

NUMBERS

Kimmy, hear me out for a second and then you will never have to see me again.

She stops resisting and opens the door a little bit.

NUMBERS

Good. You interested in a part time job?

FADE OUT:

About the jerk who wrote this screenplay:

Justin Langer was born in 1980 and for the most part, was raised on comic books and science fiction while growing up in Las Vegas. He moved to sunny Florida for college just after graduating high school. He has had a variety of professions and considers his material to be influenced mostly by experiences relative to living in the state known for its unforgiving humidity and retired population. Most, if not all, of his writings will be in a screenplay format because he doesn't really consider himself a descriptive or detailed storyteller. He just wants to get the words on the page before he forgets them.

**Thank you** for reading this work and supporting an independent, creative thinker. Please feel free to send Justin an email with any thoughts or comments about his work at Corduroy776@yahoo.com. Additional information is below about other available works.

If you enjoyed this work, the biggest compliment you can give the author is to write a positive review or suggest this work to someone else!

Check out these other works by Justin Langer.

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Available to download for **FREE**.

Drunk Olympics

This is an epic drinking game. The rules are simple, the gameplay is socially interactive, and the objective is inebriated fun. All you need is some imagination, other players, and lots of canned beer! ...oh yeah, and this ebook. Cheers!
