(rocking electric guitar music)
- Did you know that the very first x-ray
was taken right here in
Birmingham, England in 1896?
- Ha!
You call it an x-ray.
I call it a selfie.
(laughter)
- So what did you do today?
- I saw where they keep
all those useless wax figures.
- Ah, Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum.
- No no, Parliament.
(laughter and applause)
(bagpipe music)
- We've been talking about Scotland a bit.
- Oh yes?
- Mm hmm.
I read the other day that
Scotland is actually the,
I've saved this fact for you,
the murder capital of Europe.
- (gasps)
(laughter)
I didn't do it.
I had nothing to do with this (bleep).
(laughter)
- Did you know that bagpipes
have existed in Scotland
since the 14th century?
- (gasps) That is probably about the time
the murder rate went up.
(laughter)
(imitating bagpipes)
Waaah da da da-da ra-da
Boom! (bomb noise)
(laughter)
- (laughs)
(applause and laughter)
Did you know that I think my mother
was part Scottish?
- Why do you say that?
- Sometimes she'd want to
put me in Scottish clothing.
- Really?
- Oh sure, she'd say, I kilt you! (laughs)
(laughter)
Kilt, kilt, kilt, I kilt you.
(laughter)
(Israeli music)
- So Achmed, we've been
going all over the place.
- We have.
- Do you know where we are?
- Well, we are going so many
places, I have lost track,
and we, uh, uh,
what's with all the Jews?
(laughter)
- We're in Israel.
- (laughs) That's so funny.
Yeah, okay, Israel.
(laughter)
Yeah, that's really funny, we're
what?
(laughter)
- We're in Tel Aviv.
- (weak laugh)
(laughter)
As in Israeli army?
(laughter)
Holy crap!
(laughter)
Well, I'm already dead.
What the hell.
(laughter, applause and cheers)
(upbeat music)
- Bonjour. (speaks French)
(laughter)
- So you are French?
- Oui oui, c'est francais.
- Uh huh, and your name is Jacques?
- Oui. Je m'appelle Jacques.
(laughter)
- And what is your last name?
- Merde.
(laughter)
What are zay laughing at?
(laughter)
My name is Jacques Merde.
(laughter)
(applause and cheers)
I do not understand what
they are laughing at.
(laughter)
- I think merde is
translated into uh (whispers)
(laughter)
- I am Jack Shit?
(laughter)
- Well, despite your name,
you seem like a nice guy.
- You don't know Jack Shit!
(laughter)
Wait, zat is not funny.
(laughter)
- They're laughing.
- I kill you!
(laughter)
(cheers and applause)
- Ho ho ho.
- So you're happy to be here?
- No.
- Why is that?
- Where are we exactly?
- (laughs)
- Do not spit on my
face, you ugly American.
(laughter)
Where are we exactly?
- Kuala Lumpur.
- Ah oui, Kuala Lumpur.
(laughter)
Malaysia, the weather here is bullshit!
(laughter)
Where I am from, the weather is hot.
Morning is hot.
Afternoon and evening is hot.
- I don't think the weather
in France is always hot.
- Ah ah ah ah ah!
Do not question Jacques.
(laughter)
It's not always hot in France?
- No.
- Fuck, okay.
(laughter and applause)
Let's just say, for the sake of the joke,
Francais is always hot
hot hot hot hot hot hot,
like a desert hot.
(laughter)
Yes, you've been there before.
Yes, there are pyramids, sand.
(laughter)
Silence!
Je t'a tue.
(laughter)
- What was that?
- I know French.
(laughter)
- So explain what you do for a living.
- I am a francais terroriste.
- A French terrorist?
- Oui oui.
(laughter)
- So you strongly agree.
- No, I have to go wee-wee.
(laughter)
It's not funny!
(laughter)
Silence!
Je t'a tue!
(laughter)
- I thought French was known
as the language of love.
- Oui oui, I love to blow up (bleep).
(laughter, cheers and applause)
(loud swiping)
