 
### Dear Mom & Dad,

# I Have Anxiety

### A Book For Parents From A Child's Perspective

### Corine Toren

Copyright © 2016. All Rights Reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, or by any information storage and retrieval system without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of very brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

# A Letter From The Author

Welcome! Thank you for taking the time to read this book. I am so grateful to be able to share my experiences with anxiety. So many kids, teens, and even adults stay silent about their anxiety, and suffer quietly. Because of that, their loved ones will never know that they are suffering.

Of course it's no one's fault that people struggle, but I believe it's important for those people to know that they are not alone. I wrote this book because I want you, the reader, no matter what you're going through or struggling with, to know that you are not alone. I want you to understand what anxiety is and how difficult it can be to live with sometimes. When you understand that, you can show others who are struggling that they are not alone; you are there for them. A lot of what people need is just for someone to say, "I care."

When I was in second grade, my teacher taught me that a little glue goes a long way. It seems silly, but this motto can really be applied to many aspects of life. A little care can go a long way. Just a smile can go a long way. You never know how much you affected someone with just a smile, or just saying something like, "I appreciate you," or "I'm always here for you." People need to know that someone that they trust truly cares about them.

With that said, all of the information I give throughout this book is completely my opinion, and comes from my own real experiences. I am not a doctor, psychologist, or professional in any capacity. All of the advice and facts I give about anxiety is solely based on my experiences struggling with anxiety. I really just wanted to share my challenges and memories in the hopes that people will relate, and hopefully I can help others in the process.

For a long time, I felt alone. I felt like no one would ever understand what I was going through and the pain I was enduring. It took a long while for me to understand that I was not the only one having scary thoughts, or having a difficult time getting out of bed, or living in fear. There are so many of us with anxious minds that battle very similar behaviors and thoughts. No one should have to live feeling like they're completely alone in their struggles.

Writing this book meant so much to me, and for my mental health. I will be so thankful if writing about my experiences benefits someone else. I hope this book serves its purpose, and reaches out to you or a loved one. Please enjoy!

#

#

#

#

#

# Table of Contents

A Letter From The Author
Chapter 1. Introductions

Chapter 2. Triggers

Chapter 3. Lacking a Purpose

Chapter 4. Pressures

Chapter 5. Extra Support

Chapter 6. What is Motivation?

Chapter 7. How Do You Win?

# Chapter 1. Introduction

Dear Mom and Dad, and anyone else reading this, I have anxiety, but guess what? So do millions of other people in the world. I have struggled in the past, but I have come a long way. I've overcome so many obstacles created by my anxieties. Today, I am proud of all of my accomplishments, and I'd like to share some of them with you. This is my story:

Since I was younger, I knew that I thought in a different way than most children. Once I matured, I began to obsess over the unknown of what was to come after death. I envied my carefree peers, while I craved control. After seeking help, I grew to realize that living with anxiety is not so abnormal. Some people have low cholesterol, some are allergic to peanuts, and some, like me, have an anxious mind. Honestly, I would pick anxiety over a peanut allergy any day. When I first started seeing my therapist, I was still feeling alone and misunderstood. I refused to talk to my parents about what I was going through because I was convinced that they would not understand. While I was learning to cope with my anxiety and irrational fears, I thought about how many other teenagers shared the same thoughts as me. I felt like I wanted to let others know that they are not alone in what they are going through.

While my mind was beginning a tug-of-war with my anxiety, I tried to help my parents understand my internal conflicts. It was difficult for them to sympathize with me, and I felt that they did not know how to handle my thought processes. My experience with my parents inspired me to write in order to show other parents how to help their children who have anxiety.

So this book is my gift to you. Actually, it is mainly a gift for myself (because I'm very self-centered). As much as I want to help you and your child, I cannot promise you that I will succeed. To me this book is a gift because it allowed me to set a goal for myself. Once I set that goal for myself, I endeavored to achieve it. My goal (aka this book) motivated me to get out of bed today. My goal motivated me to give myself a better life. My goal for this book is to show you how powerful the mind is, and how you can overpower it.

This is definitely not a how-to book. I'm not going to teach you a lesson or tell you how I think you should parent your kids. Every parent has his or her own method, and that's okay. I wrote this book to share my experiences of the way I grew up and how I became the person that I am, but most of all, how I came to accept the person that I am. There are so many parents out there in the world who believe that it is their duty to teach other parents how to be a good mom or dad. In all honesty, I don't believe in that. The people that read those types of books are either nervous about having children (which is common), or are under the impression that they are doing something wrong. Here's the thing: Parents-if you feel insecure about the way you raise your children, your kids are going to feel that from you, and it's going to build a chain reaction, like the domino effect. Anxiety can become an epidemic, if you it let become contagious. Believe it or not, kids learn the most from their parents. Kids do not only learn from the annoying lectures, stories of when their parents were their age, or when you teach them how to ride a bike. They acquire, both consciously and unconsciously, all of the bad and good habits, way of speaking, style, music taste, interests, and more, that they watch their parents do everyday. They don't notice and their parents don't notice, until that one-day when your friends make fun of you for saying "pool" instead of "pull" because that's how you heard your mom say it in a foreign accent. This actually happened to me when I was like ten years old, and it happens to my sister on a daily basis. No one's had the guts to tell her yet that how she pronounces words like Oggs instead of Uggs is wrong. Poor girl.

So with that said, I want to reiterate that children do learn a lot from their parents and they pick up on a lot that maybe you don't realize. I'm one of those children that spent a lot of time watching people, particularly my family, and learned from all of my memories. And that's why I wrote this book. There are so many books about parents writing to other parents, but I could tell you that there aren't many books written by children for parents. So don't think of this as a how-to book. Think of it as more of a how-to-help book. I personally think it's important for parents to hear the child's side. I really believe that children have a lot to say and have a lot of knowledge that they can share with their parents. No, I'm not talking about when a child uses a big word that their foreign parents don't understand, but I've definitely done that before though! Totally makes you feel smart!

But anyways, this is the kind of knowledge that parents can get in order to be better parents, and understand how their child's mind works. Obviously I can't speak for every child, or even a specific demographic. But what I can do is this: I can share my specific experiences, and show you how they molded me into the beautiful, smart, talented, independent woman that I am today. And I can also show you how humble I am. That was all a joke I promise! I wasn't always this humble. I used to be a quiet, timid girl, and I let other people hurt me, and forgave them too quickly. But most of all, I let myself hurt me. I didn't know how to love myself or be the person that I wanted to be. And that's why I wrote this book, because when I grew up and I learned how to accept the person that I am, I was able to show others the same. I helped motivate my girlfriends when they went through a rough break up, and boosted my boyfriend's confidence when he thought he wasn't good at anything. I showed my mom how to help my sister feel like she is actually smart. So ultimately, my goal is to help you understand your child and the little things that they may need. I want to help you help them become motivated. Permanently. But here's the thing: I will show you what I have learned through my own eyes, and it will be up to you to do what you want with that information.

So what actually makes me qualified to write this book? I'm not a therapist, a doctor, a social worker, or anything of the sort. And No. I'm not a teen mom. I am, however, a daughter, sister, and a friend. Some may even call me an analyst. I take things in and let it marinate, until I can understand the world. I learned enough from my experiences, and I continue to learn everyday. And maybe I've even suffered a little. But mostly, I'm a winner because I am a self-motivator. And since I've learned so much, from myself, and those around me, including family and friends, I feel inclined to share my knowledge with the world.

After everything that I've been through, I want to help others learn what I have learned and show people how to look inside yourself without fear. I want to show people how to figure out who you are, and understand how to come to terms with it. Most importantly, I want to show people that it's okay to LOVE yourself and appreciate your accomplishments. That doesn't always make you narcissistic. But even if it does a little, who cares? In all honesty, that's what I believe, and that's what I ask myself every single day. And guess what? Now I feel great. All I want is for you to see what I see. But it won't be easy-I can tell you that. It will definitely take some work. But you'll get there!

So here's a little about me: I was born in sunny Los Angeles, California. I'm a valley girl for life. I grew up in a Jewish home with my family-parents, younger brother and sister. I went to private schools, summer camps, family vacations, I had food on my plate, and my room was painted in my favorite color. How could I complain? I was always a happy child. I had an amazing childhood. On the outside I looked like any other normal American girl. I had play-dates, I did well in school, I had a loving family, and I had the ultimate collection of Barbie dolls. And just like a Barbie doll, I knew how to show my plastered smile and dress to impress. Nobody ever knew what was actually going on inside of me, and how my thoughts and fears ate me up alive. I knew how to hide my emotions, well, at least the ones I didn't want anyone to see.

When I was really young, maybe about 9 or 10, I was convinced that I had a mental illness. Somehow, even as a young child I knew that people didn't think in the same way as me, especially children my age. At the same time, though, I didn't care. The fact that I really believed that I was different from all of the other 9-year-olds in the world didn't bother me. I didn't try to change myself or change the way that I thought so that I could feel more normal. I never mentioned this to anyone. I also knew that even if I did, no one would take me seriously.

Maybe I figured it out when everyone else had said that they wanted to grow up and be an astronaut or an actress, but I wanted to be a writer. Just kidding. While most kids let things go, I always had to analyze every detail of a situation. I couldn't, and sometimes still can't let a thought that bothers me go, until I find some sort of resolution for it. I knew that most other kids didn't think like me, but when I was younger, I didn't really let that get to me. I still lived my life like any other ordinary child. I grew up with fears, but every child did too, so I didn't think it was anything abnormal per se.

My parents might deny it, but I believe that my anxiety was hereditary. I think that in most cases it comes from genetics. My parents claim that no one in our family has it except for me, but it must have been somewhere in our family history for sure.

I feel like I always had an anxious mind and just wasn't really aware of it, and neither were my parents. They claim that they only noticed a difference in the way I thought and an increase of paranoia when, in the fourth grade, one of my closest friends was diagnosed with cancer. I guess since I was just a little girl I didn't really understand what cancer was, and that it wasn't contagious.

My parents told me that when I was just 10 years old, I would always ask to be taken to the dermatologist to make sure that I don't have any type of skin cancer. In all honesty, I actually don't remember doing this, but I believe them because that sounds very characteristic of me. I do remember that a couple years later, I needed to get a biopsy of a mole that I had on my back.

When we got a letter in the mail about the test results, I immediately broke down into tears because I thought receiving the letter meant that I had cancer. When you have anxiety your mind automatically goes to places that it shouldn't go. When I saw the letter, I associated it with death, so naturally I assumed that I was dying. It was only until my parents actually read the letter to me that I realized I was not going to die. From then on, death became my biggest fear, and ironically, my biggest obsession.

But every year, kids grow up a little more. They become more mature. But I grew up in a different way. Yes, I got taller, I went through puberty, and I even matured! But most kids' fears of having a monster under the bed eventually goes away, and they even stop sleeping with a nightlight. My childhood fears followed me into young adulthood, but instead of a monster, my fears became more intensified and more about me. By the time I was 5, I stopped sleeping with a nightlight. I slept through the night and I didn't worry about the monsters under my bed.

As I matured though, my anxiety about death just became worse and worse. It even started to shift to more specific ways of dying, particularly to kidnapping. On a daily basis, my mom was sending me emails about women getting attacked or kidnapped while walking to their cars at the market. There were also other emails about a missing girl, or a car hijacking. Instead of just deleting the emails, I felt compelled to read them. I truly believed that if I didn't read them, then I wouldn't be prepared for the worst; and if I wasn't prepared, then something terrible was going to happen to me. It was almost like an OCD type of feeling. I couldn't feel safer until I read these horrible emails. I say "safer" because at the time, I never truly felt safe. Because of all of these emails, I ended up being really afraid to drive to the supermarket by myself. I was convinced that if I were alone, I'd be an easy target for a kidnapper or serial killer. Since receiving those emails, every time I go to a market or drugstore by myself, I always hold my keys out in case I need a weapon, which is probably useless anyway, but it helps me sleep at night!

Obviously, these emails really affected me. I analyzed every detail about them, and became obsessed with the tragedies that were happening to the victims. While most people would just read them and store the information somewhere in their mind, but then never retrieve it again, my mind would do the opposite. Once I got one of those emails, it was all I thought about for the rest of the day, and it would be something I would never forget. There was even one absolutely ridiculous email about old ladies that help kidnappers and rapists, but of course, I believed the story. Apparently, these old ladies pretended that they needed help getting into their car, which was the strategy meant to lure women. Then, the rapists would push them women into their vehicles, and kidnap them easily. If I'm remembering correctly, a couple of those emails even mentioned that the rapists had some sort of male accomplice that dressed up as an older lady that needed help. Even though these emails sound absolutely ridiculous, I believed them (or just in case) because really you never know I guess? Better safe than sorry? Today, I honestly believe that it was a fake story, but at the time I was still convinced that if I wasn't afraid of the story, then surely something horrible would happen to me. Of course this is irrational thinking, but that's just anxiety.

All of these fears allowed me to start becoming superstitious and believe in karma. It also made me question why I was so lucky that I wasn't one of the women who were raped or taken. I also started picking up a lot of OCD-like habits. I was afraid that if I didn't perform one of my rituals, than something terrible was surely going to happen to my family and me. I don't come from a particularly super religious family, but I guess we're sort of religious (believe in God, and that sort of thing). I started to pray every night before I went to sleep. I said the same prayer every single night, and I mainly prayed for other people, in order to seem humble and selfless. I also did it because I was so terrified that if I didn't, something was bound to happen to the people that I prayed for. If I didn't pray for someone that I knew that was sick or going through a rough time, then they would die. These beliefs were very extreme, and as a result, I put so much pressure on myself. I knew that I didn't actually have super powers to save the world, but if I didn't pray for those people than who would? I knew exactly how to guilt trip myself.

Then, when I got even older, I started to feel unsafe everywhere I went, including my own house. Before I went to sleep, I checked my closets and under my bed to make sure that no one was there. Then, I went to my siblings' rooms while they were asleep and checked their closets too. I felt that since I was the oldest, I had to make sure that they would be safe. If someone were to try to hurt my family, I would be the one that would be in pain, not anyone else. In addition to this, I would look out of each of my windows to see the different angles of neighborhood and make sure that there wasn't a car parked outside my house that seemed sketchy or dangerous. I did this every single night. I felt too guilty to sleep if I missed any part of my nightly rituals.

I did not know what anxiety was. I did not know that I had anxiety. I knew I had weird rituals, but I never thought there was a reason for them. I held everything inside for years, mainly because I was too embarrassed, but also because I thought that no one would believe me. I didn't think that there was hope to stop this way of thinking. The more I held it in, the worse my anxiety became. As I grew older, my anxiety only became more difficult to live with.

When I turned 16, I started sleeping with my light on, even though as a young child I never did that. I had a lamp next to my bed, and I would keep it on for the whole night. Interestingly, no one in my family knew that I did this. If they did, they did a really good job of acting like they were not aware. Of course I was embarrassed by this because what kind of 16-year-old is afraid of the dark? I wasn't ready to trust anyone with this information until I was able to stop doing it. Finally, when I turned 19, I decided that it was time to try to sleep with the light off. I was afraid at first, but I forced myself to do it, mainly because I was tired of feeling ashamed and scared to live in my own home. But even though I had slept with the light on, before I sought treatment for my anxiety, I didn't think that I needed to see a therapist or anything like that. It wasn't until my first panic attack that I realized that I had major anxiety.

Even after I stopped sleeping with the light on, I was still performing my other rituals before bed every evening. I was afraid to stop because they were never just about me. My rituals were also for protecting other people as well, and I felt like I wasn't allowed to stop. It was only until I really started taking care of my anxiety that I began to slowly stop my OCD-like behavior. Looking back at it now, it seems funny that while all of this was going on, I had no idea that there were other people who could relate to my so-called "weirdness." Other people had anxiety too, and I just never knew.

I never understood why I felt compelled to do those strange rituals before I went to sleep, but I didn't think that it was something I couldn't handle by myself. I never asked for help, especially when I was in high school. I was ashamed of asking for help because I thought it would show weakness. I wanted to prove that I was strong enough to handle things myself. However, all of that built up fear, pain, and pressure was bound to burst at some point, I just didn't know when it would come. But eventually, it did.

# Chapter 2. Triggers

Anxiety is an explosive, ticking time bomb. It builds up and up and up, until one day, there's a huge explosion. These explosions are called panic attacks. A panic attack happens when one is consumed by extreme fear and anxiety, forcing one's heart to beat at an exceedingly fast pace. As a result, some people mistake panic attacks for heart attacks. Other symptoms that often occur during a panic attack are: chest pain, shaking, nausea, shortness of breath, a feeling of detachment from reality, light-headedness, and a fear of dying or going insane.

It is very difficult to know when, how, or where that bomb is going to explode, but anxiety becomes really apparent when there is some sort of event or trauma that triggers it. I think that I had 3 separate events trigger my anxiety, 2 mini ticking time bombs, but maybe one actual explosion. Each event brought out my anxiety more and more. By the grand finale explosion, I started to seek out help. By that point, I realized that I didn't want to live with so much anxiety anymore. I believe the first event that triggered my anxiety was finding out that one of my closest friends in the 4th grade had cancer. I think that was the first time I realized that death is sort of outside of my control. The second trigger actually occurred many years later, and to me, was quite a traumatic episode!

My first time being high was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. On a trip to Big Bear with my classmates from high school, my boyfriend and I consumed marijuana edibles. Unfortunately, we had not anticipated the strength of the cookies we had just eaten, and we really suffered the consequences. Once we began to feel the effects of the marijuana, my boyfriend immediately passed out, and I couldn't wake him up.

At first, everything seemed alright. I was laughing a lot and enjoying myself, but then I started laughing way too much, and let me tell you, nothing was funny. At that point, my laughter turned into tears, and then the world was spinning, and I couldn't make it stop. I tried several times to revive my boyfriend, but he was completely passed out. I was so terrified and convinced that my boyfriend died. I didn't know how to express that to anyone in English, or any other language for that matter.

Because I had never been high before, I didn't know what it was supposed to feel like and how I was supposed to react. I felt my heart begin to speed up way too fast, and I began to have my first panic attack. I kept screaming that I needed to go to a hospital because I was having a heart attack. Obviously, no one took me seriously. That made me panic even more, and I was convinced that I was going to die. My two catchphrases of the night were, "I'm going to die!" and "I'm having a heart attack! I need to go to a hospital!" Needless to say, I refused to tolerate any laughter at my horrible trip.

It is common for people to have bad and terrifying experiences when consuming too much marijuana, but I knew that my escapade was a bit different than most other people. I didn't know it at the time, but I realized that I wasn't able to calm down because of my anxiety and the panic attack that I had. For many people, marijuana is a stress reliever, and even calms people with anxiety. But for some, like me, it increases panic and anxiety if you don't know how to handle it. I wanted to sleep it off, but I was afraid that if I went to sleep I would never wake up. I was so afraid that I forgot what my reality was. I didn't know where I was or what my name was. I didn't know if it was all a dream or if I was actually in the present. My mind was tripping out, and playing tricks on me, and I didn't know how to handle it. I have to admit that I sort of forgot about my boyfriend by that point, but I hoped that he would end up being alive. Luckily, one of my close friends was with me and had had a similar experience. Somehow he was able to calm me down to the point where I was willing to try to fall asleep.

The next morning when I woke up, I was still a little bit high, but my boyfriend was alive, and I was so relieved. Because of that horrible experience, I vowed that I would never experiment with alcohol or any type of drug. However, I broke that vow after 6 months! It wasn't that I stopped being interested in having a good time with my friends and drinking, but I was so afraid of losing my reality, that I didn't care about anything else. I was convinced that if I had ever drank or smoked again, I would completely lose myself and not be able to come back. Soon enough, that became a new fear that took me a long time to overcome in the future as well, even when I was sober.

Later that year, my experiences traveling in Poland caused the third, and most potent trigger. I went to a Jewish high school, where students in the twelfth grade would travel to Poland and then to Israel to embark on an emotional journey celebrating the survival of Jewish life after the Holocaust. From the beginning of my high school career, I knew I was going to take that journey as a participant of the March of the Living program. However, until right before I left for the trip, I did not understand how much this trip was going to affect my family and me. I was asked why I wanted to participate in the March of the Living program. The answer I gave was a generic response of what I thought the interviewers wanted to hear. But as the trip was getting closer, I started to realize how significant this experience was actually going to be. A couple of days before I left for Poland, my grandfather, a holocaust survivor, sat me down and told me his story for the first time. He revealed to me that I was the first person he's ever told his story to. After hearing his story, I knew that I was going on this trip for him, and that I had to witness the tragedy to fully understand such a horrible past.

When I arrived in Poland, the reality of it was so much different than my expectations. I remember the strange feeling as if I was on a movie set, and not actually standing in the Auschwitz Concentration Camp. As I was standing in a real concentration camp during my senior year of high school, it was difficult for me to grasp what I was seeing.

My parents told me that visiting the camps was something that they would never be able to do. My mom grew up with other children with parents that were Holocaust survivors. Many of these children led difficult lives, and were robbed of a more normal childhood. Their parents were trying to overcome such traumatic events, but no one knew how to help them. It was a tragedy that these adults would never be able to be the same again. So, as a result, I knew that this trip was really important for my parents too. They weren't going to go, and I had to do it for them. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be strong for them.

I knew that the trip would be very emotional for me, but I didn't expect how intense it would actually be. As soon as I got off the plane in Poland, I instantly felt sick. I thought I had possibly been food poisoned or maybe just had a stomach bug from being on the plane for too long. Of course, I was mistaken. This "stomach bug" wasn't just going to go away. Honestly, I can't say that I slept a single night in Poland. To be fair, the youth hostels we stayed in looked straight out of a horror movie. Besides my sleeplessness, I refused to eat during meals. I lived on balance bars and Nutella sandwiches because that was all that my stomach could take, not that the food in Poland was very good anyways. Even though I was constantly surrounded by 200 other students my age, I had never felt more alone. I didn't feel that I could express myself to anyone because no one would understand. It was really difficult for me to admit how terrified I was, and as a consequence, I allowed myself to suppress the emotions for too long. On the surface, it seemed as if the other students might not have been as emotionally connected to the Holocaust as I was, or maybe they didn't want to admit that they were terrified either.

On my last day in Poland, I visited the Maejdonek concentration camp. Though I knew that after walking into the gas chamber I would be able to walk out alive, it was still the hardest thing that I have ever done. After we completed our tour, we were told that we would be given letters that our parents wrote to us before we left for Poland. The letters expressed to us how proud of us our parents were for completing our journey in Poland, and how very soon we would reach Israel, the Jewish homeland. That night we flew to Israel, and the theme of our journey immediately switched from death to life. After seeing the awful tragedies in Poland, everything in Israel looked so beautiful, and so much more full of life and happiness, but I couldn't just let go of all of the emotions that were bottled up inside of me from Poland.

I couldn't allow myself to enjoy the second, livelier part of my trip. I constantly reminded myself that I didn't deserve to be alive. I wasn't brave, and I didn't have any special talents. If I had lived during the Holocaust, I would surely be executed, as I was not smart or courageous enough to find a way to escape. I felt very guilty for being alive. I continuously questioned everything. Why was I alive? Why was I so lucky? Where was God when all of those people needed Him? Why wasn't it me that perished in the gas chambers, and not that innocent two-year-old girl? Besides these questions, I questioned life. I questioned its purpose, and specifically my purpose. What did I have to contribute? But every time I thought about suicide, I remembered all of those innocent people that died in the Holocaust. I convinced myself that I needed to stay alive for them and to preserve their memory.

I was so focused on death during the entire two weeks in Israel. In a strange way, I stopped living. I wasn't happy. I was afraid all the time. It was as if I was just waiting for something horrible to happen. I became distant from my close friends. I never wanted to leave my room, but I wasn't sleeping well either. I had a couple of mental breakdowns and no one knew how to help me. I called my parents three times per day, begging them to let me come home. I was 100% certain that because I wanted to come home so badly, I would never end up making it. Of course, this was all just my anxiety consuming my mind. I was safe, and I was going to make it home.

When I stepped off the plane, I was thankful that I was still alive, but my morbid thinking did not stop. My high school graduation was right around the corner, but rather than being excited to start a new chapter of my life, I associated graduation as one step closer to death. I was beginning to realize that the end of high school meant the end of childhood, and the transition into adulthood. Besides the pressure of growing up, deciding on a career, and becoming as successful as my parents, I felt like in a blink of an eye I was going to be on my deathbed. Then I started to think, well if we're all going to die someday anyway, then what's the point? What's the point of trying? What's the point of life? And then, very gracefully, I proceeded to have a meltdown in front of my family and friends during the luncheon that my mom threw me for my high school graduation. It was quite a spectacle, if I do say so myself.

I was in a bad place, and someone needed to notice. Of course I was completely embarrassed of my breakdown, but it finally got me the help I needed. I think my parents really understood that I wasn't just a teenager asking to see a therapist because it was the private school trend. For the first time, they really heard me, and I think they were even a little scared. But in all honesty, I'm glad that things turned out the way they did, because if they hadn't, I'd probably still be in that dark and lonely place.

Anxiety is always triggered by something. It can be an event, a film, something in the media, a place, or a story. It can really be anything. The explosions are also completely unpredictable. The unpredictability and lack of control are what make triggers so powerful. Sometimes, when we don't know that we have anxiety, it is easy to let everything build up until it explodes.

In terms of panic attacks, here are a few suggestions of what you can do to help your child through an explosion:

Remind your child to stop, and just breathe. Ask them to close their eyes and just focusing on their breathing. Tell them to inhale slowly, and then exhale. It is easy to get lost in anxious thoughts. When this happens, it is best to try to keep calm. Be willing to take a step back, and just breathe.

Another great way to alleviate panic is to take a walk with your child. Walk around in the fresh air. Talk about anything else to distract them from thinking about their anxieties. If you divert their attention to something else, they will likely forget about it, but only temporarily.

A third idea is to ask your child if they want to talk about it with you, or possibly on the phone with someone else they can trust. Talking about what bothers them will help them get through their toughest moments. Assure your child that, no, they are not crazy. They are just experiencing a panic attack. Make it clear that you are not judging them, regardless of how ridiculous their anxieties may seem. You should show them that you are open to talking about their anxiety with them, and you are listening.

To combat anxiety, you need to take it head on. First, identify the trigger. Recognize the trigger, and then find a pattern. Try to understand how it relates to the overall problem. Usually, the trigger is not the main problem; the trigger illuminates the problem. Use it as a guide towards finding the solution.

#

#

#

#

# 

# Chapter 3. Lacking a Purpose

I really believed that once I'd land in Los Angeles all of the anxiety would go away. I didn't realize that it was only the beginning of such traumatic experiences. Things didn't get much better for me when I got back from Poland. It was difficult for me to really bring myself back from the trip. I had changed, and not for the better. I wanted nothing more than for things to go back to normal again, but I knew that they wouldn't. Even though I arrived in Poland with many fears, I came back home with even more. The worst part of it was that no one noticed that I wasn't okay. No one asked me about how difficult my experience was. From what I remember, I didn't really even try to hide it. I wish someone would have just noticed that I was in pain.

Graduation was coming up soon, and I really wasn't ready for that. To me, my high school graduation was one step closer to death. Everyone else seemed so excited to start their new adventures in college all over the country, but all I wanted was for things to stay the same. I feared change, mostly because I also associated that with death. I thought that when things changed that meant that we had to suddenly become adults. As an adult, I would have to say goodbye to childhood and start being responsible for other people, besides myself. But most of all adulthood meant growing old, which to me meant dying soon.

I couldn't understand why I wouldn't get passed it all. I couldn't understand why I wasn't just a normal teenage girl. I wondered why I thought about things that really no one else thought of. I wondered why all of my thoughts had to relate back to death. I wondered why I couldn't just be excited to graduate high school. It wasn't fair that I couldn't enjoy anything anymore. I didn't know how to enjoy anything because all of my fears completely consumed me.

My obsession with death became more and more powerful each day. It completely devoured me. My thoughts about death became ruminations that just kept spiraling and spiraling, and would never stop. I felt forced to think about death. It was like thinking about that paper that I had to write, but really didn't want to, but I couldn't forget about it. I forced myself to think about it because I felt like I needed to be prepared. I would first start thinking about what happens when people die. Then it would turn into what happens when I die, and all of these questions started popping into my mind. Where would I go? Will it be forever? Will I be reincarnated? Probably not. I'm not sure I believe in reincarnation. Am I going to be able to watch over the rest of the world? The fact that I couldn't answer any of these questions terrified me. The fear of the unknown overwhelmed me more than anything.

Every time these thoughts appeared in my mind I would get lost in them. I would get a pit in my stomach, and be stuck in the darkness. Nothing could take me away from them unless I tried very hard to distract myself. Unfortunately, distractions were just a temporary way of helping my situation. It was like a vicious cycle. I could distract myself, but then the thoughts would just keep coming back. The thoughts continued on a never-ending spiral until I'd get a panic attack, and not know how to come out of it.

I started to get panic attacks a little more frequently. My heart started beating faster and faster. I'd instantly forget what I was doing. This occurred especially when I was high. Even though these experiences occurred often and were very unpleasant, I would still continue to smoke weed with my friend as much as I could. Once I eventually came out of my panic attacks, I would enjoy the high, and occasionally I would depend on it for happiness. I think I enjoyed being high also mostly because I liked myself better as a person when I was high. I would start to believe that I'd lost feeling in my hands and then I would begin to panic. I would begin to trip out, and stop recognizing my present world. It was as if I was stuck in a dream and I was trying to go back to real life. The problem was that I was living my real life, but I didn't believe myself.

On one occasion, I was sitting in a lecture hall during a History class when my thoughts started spiraling very quickly. I couldn't shake them off, and focus on 18th century Russia. I was having a panic-attack in a huge lecture hall, and I did not know how to handle it. I rushed out of the class, attempting to calm myself down, but it was a useless effort. I quickly called my mom on the phone, and she was able to distract me for a few minutes, and then finally bring me back to real life. The funny thing is, is that she had no idea what was going on in my mind; she just assumed it was a regular phone call. Little did she know how much that phone call really meant to me. This may seem absolutely ridiculous to you, and maybe even comical. Maybe now it even is; okay not really! But the fact is that this was real life for me-every single day. They were some of the most terrifying moments I've ever experienced. This was the reality of anxiety. It amazed me how powerful the mind really is.

In addition, the media also affected me a lot. I could watch a movie or something on T.V. and really think that what I was watching applied to my life directly or would actually happen to me. I was supposed to watch a movie for a class about a prison. Throughout the movie there were several interviews with prisoners, particularly with prisoners who held life sentences. While watching the film, I couldn't help but think that they had ruined their lives forever. Most of them got into prison at such a young age. They never even had a chance to make something of themselves, I thought, and now they never will.

I started to play with the idea of "forever" in my mind. When most people hear the word "forever" they don't really think much about what it means. Someone like me, with anxiety, will analyze what that word really means. It means ever lasting, but more than that it means long term with no ending. So watching that movie and seeing all of the inmates have to stay in prison forever frightened me, and then it led to series of thoughts, which continued to make me even more uncomfortable. Thinking about the prisoners made me wonder how I would feel in that position, and what I would do. Then I started thinking about being stuck and confined in a cell. And then I started thinking about forever. And finally, once my heart began beating faster and faster, the panic attack would happen again. It almost seemed as though my recognition of the physical feeling of my heart beating fast was causing my panic attack. I was afraid of having that stomachache and the shortness of breath. This made it even easier for me to get frequent panic attacks. At that point, I left the theater in the middle of the film to try to calm myself down. I needed to be around people, and talk to them to be able to ground myself.

So many small aspects of my daily life contributed to my anxiety, like things that most people don't really think about again. Watching the news always frightened me. Even now as a young adult, I still don't really watch the news. It was particularly the news segments about missing people or kidnappings that affected me the most. I forced myself to become educated about what was happening to those poor children. I thought that if I didn't read the article or if I didn't share it on Facebook, I would have bad karma, and then I would be kidnapped too.

All of these fears and anxieties also made me question how close I was to death. If time were going by so quickly, it would only be a blink of an eye before I'd reach old age. Then when I got old, I was bound to have some sort of terminal illness, and by 75-80 I'd already know that I was close to the end. Then, by that point I would panic because I'd have to think about whether or not I achieved everything that I'd wanted to in my life. And then when it was time for me to go, would I just rot in the earth? The world would continue to go on without me, like I never existed. Nevertheless, I think one of my biggest fears was the future, and how fast it was approaching. I wondered what technology would be like in 100 years, or even in 200 years. In 1,000 years the world would continue to change, but where would I be? I would be stuck somewhere forever. I hate that word - forever.

Part of my anxiety is that I hate not knowing things. I need to know what's going to happen before it happens, particularly when I know there will not be a happy ending. If I watch a movie that I already know will not have a happy ending, I will ruin it for myself by looking up a summary on Wikipedia. I need to know who dies and how they die before they die, so that I could be prepared for the worst. And that leads me to my next point: I hate surprise parties. Shout out to my mom for throwing me two surprise parties in a row. Well anyways, the fear of the unknown and what's to come is probably what I worry about the most. Most people don't think about death regularly, and if they do, then they think about dying peacefully, and they don't analyze the situation. But people like me, we're a different breed of human. I need to know! Where will I go? What will happen to me? The only people that know are the ones that can't tell us what's to come. But even if I knew, I don't know if I would actually be ready for it because whatever happens to us when we die, it's going to last forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and...you get the point. Some people are okay with that, but I'm not sure that I am.

So then if we're all going to die eventually, what's the point of living? Why should I put in the effort? Why should I get out of bed every morning? Honestly, sometimes I still can't answer these questions. It took me a while to even come up with tentative answers.

We all have our good days and we definitely have our bad days. People like me, the pessimists, we tend to only focus on our bad days. Because really, what's a good day? To me, a good day is just mundane. A good day is when I'm really busy. I have class in the morning, and then work for a few hours, and then more class, and then when it's finally over all I want to do is just curl up in my bed and watch T.V. on my computer. All I want is to eat my crappy college food. But really, all I want is just some time alone.

But pessimists are going to say, what really makes this day a "good one?" To me, it's good because I'm way too distracted by all of my other activities to remind myself that I have anxiety. It's good because there are actually a couple of days where I'm not concerned with death, when I'm going die, how I'm going to die, and where I'm going to die. These good days remind me that I have a little bit of purpose. Maybe I haven't fully figured it out yet, but it gives me something else to think about. It gives me more of a reason to put in some positive energy. Even though all day I just think about how I can't wait for the day to be over so that I can just watch my trashy teenage dramas, I'm not thinking about being alone. I'm not thinking about death. I'm not thinking about everything that is missing in my life. I just don't have the time.

I'm not saying that I only have bad days when I'm not busy. But what I will say is that it is easier for an anxiety attack to consume me when I am not preoccupied, and mainly when I'm alone. Everyone needs their alone time. It's healthy. It's natural. As a fairly anti-social, very introverted individual, I can say that I do love my alone time. But sometimes, alone time reminds people of what they don't have. I start to think about how maybe I don't have as many friends, and not that many people actually care where I am, or what I'm doing, or if I died tomorrow. Sometimes we want to be reminded by the people that we care about, and the people that we put in effort to have a relationship with that they care about us back, at least to some degree. I think especially in college it's really hard to find that, at least that's what I've noticed. Or maybe I'm just that unfriendly that I give off that vibe to people and I seem unapproachable or something. Either way, I'm very hard on myself. I'm known to be very judgmental of myself, but I'm also quick to judge others as well, which isn't a very good personality trait to have. I'm still trying to work on that actually. It took me a while to realize that I do that.

It's easy to feel more alone when you look at the glass half empty. I check my phone and I haven't received any calls or text messages. I always feel like I put in more of an effort than other people when trying to keep in touch. So then to me that feels like maybe people don't care enough or their fine with drifting apart. I feel like what's the point in trying to talk to people who clearly don't want to talk to me. I always just hope that they'll prove me wrong. So as a result, I'm really quick to judge, because usually I do end up being proven wrong. But because I focus on what I don't have in the moment, I throw myself a nice little pity party. Sometimes these pity parties are necessary, especially when I just want to get all of my emotions out, and that is really important. It's not healthy to keep all of the emotions bottled up inside. But usually these pity parties are not so healthy, and therefore, it's really hard to come out of it.

Obviously anxiety is the guest of honor at my pity parties. When I start feeling lonely I start to question my purpose in life. The lonelier I become, the more difficult it is for me to find a purpose for living. I want to emphasize that this idea of a "purposeless life" is very different from being suicidal. Of course when you feel like your life serves no purpose it's hard not to contemplate suicide. I've thought about suicide many times. I've even planned out how exactly I would do it, but I was never actually going to take action because I feared death more than anything. I didn't want to hurt myself. Ironically I was terrified that if I didn't find some sort of purpose for my life I might have actually gone through with it at some point, but of course I never did.

Even though there were so many positive things in my life, including a loving family and friendships, it just didn't feel enough for me. I know that it sounds selfish, but even though I was surrounded by so much, I still felt alone. And more than alone, I didn't feel loved. What really kept me going actually was food, and particularly the Food Network channel. It sounds funny, but during my most difficult times, watching the Food Network all day allowed me to develop a passion. I didn't know how to cook, but I liked baking. I liked the competitions and I was always awed by the creativity that the competitors showed. Even though I was not suicidal, I still believe that watching the Food Network saved me, and helped me become a functional human being again.

I really started to take an interest in food and the food industry. I started to bake more and I learned how to cook. I took on a new passion, and it felt good. My newly found passion gave me something to hold on to. In a weird way it gave me something to live for, even though I didn't actually intend to pursue any type of career in the food industry. But that's what passions do; they give hope. When you find something you enjoy, you start to feel a sense of purpose. It was as if I woke up one morning and realized that I still have a full life ahead of me to taste every type of cheese and ice cream flavor that exists in the world!

Before I discovered my passion for food I didn't really have any hobbies or any legitimate interests. I would lay in my bed every chance I could, and feel sorry for myself. There were so many things that I wanted to do. I wanted to learn to play the guitar, I wanted to learn how to ride a bike, and I wanted to start writing. While I really did intend on doing all of these things, I couldn't bring myself to do them. It was as though there was some sort of force that wouldn't allow me to become motivated enough to do the things I wanted to do. The force was so strong that I was even doing things I didn't really want to do, like playing Candy Crush on Facebook 5 times per day, but I did it like clockwork. I was powerless and I couldn't understand why. I didn't know how to motivate myself to do all of the things that I wanted to do. I strongly believed that I didn't have a reason to get out of my bed. However, staying in bed all day became depressing.

Nothing could motivate me because I was still missing a purpose. You would think that my desire to learn and pick up new hobbies and skills would be enough motivation, but it wasn't. Even though there was so much I wanted to do, I didn't feel like it would be worth it because I was just going to die anyway, so then what would really be the point? Why shouldn't I just relax in bed all day if I was just going to die? The worst part of it was that even if I forced myself to get out of bed and actually do something, I still wasn't happy. I wasn't happy mainly because I wasn't accomplishing any of my goals. I struggled to understand why I wasn't able to bring myself to actually try. I needed something or someone to motivate me. The most difficult part of motivation is finding something to motivate you. Especially after you've fall down, it becomes extremely difficult to pick yourself up, mainly because you are so terrified of failing or because after you've failed, you stopped having meaning in life. That is exactly how I felt until I was able to learn to turn myself around and do something about it.

#

#

#

#

# 

# Chapter 4. Pressures

Anxiety comes in many different forms, shapes, magnitudes, and intensities. Anxiety doesn't necessarily mean an obsessive fear of death. Anxiety can be a fear of public speaking. It can be a fear of not having a purpose in life. Anxiety can be many different things. However, as I have learned through my experiences with anxiety, everything ends up relating to motivation, or rather, a lack there of.

Many times anxiety comes from genetics. If you already know that anxiety runs in your family, then there is more of a clear reason as to why your "perfect child" is struggling. I honestly believe that anxiety mainly comes from genetics, but I also know that there are many outside forces that can affect or increase anxiety as well. Some of these other forces can be fears, pressures, friends, and even family members.

So what are the pressures that your child may face? They might face the pressure to be popular. They might encounter the pressure to succeed in school. They might experience the pressure to go to an elite university. They might dabble with the pressure to be the perfect child. They might feel the pressure to be a role model. They might struggle with the pressure to take care of everyone in the family. They might be pressured to be a good friend. They might feel the pressure to fit in. They might feel the pressure to be as successful as their parents, or even more successful. They also might be under pressure from their religion and feel the need to fulfill certain religious obligations. These are just some examples, but really there is an infinite amount of pressure that children feel every single day.

Just because your child may be under such pressure does not mean that that is your fault. It does not mean that you failed as a parent. These pressures can simply explain why your child has anxiety. It does not mean that there is nothing you can do to help the situation, or even prevent it from happening in the future. There is actually so much that you CAN do! The first step is noticing the problem. Sometimes that can be difficult, especially when your child has problems that are beyond your control. But think about your own family. Do you think that you have ever put pressure on your child in some way? It may have even been accidental, and you didn't even realize that you were doing it. How can you prevent yourself from doing it again?

Not all pressure is bad. Sometimes a little bit of pressure is necessary, especially when your child is very unmotivated. It just depends on how you go about putting the necessary pressure. I think it is also important to start with little instances of pressure at a time, rather than just full swing. Sometimes just the right amount of pressure can motivate someone enough. But other times, when it becomes too much, the pressure will cause the person to revert to their bad habits or tendencies, and become even more unmotivated.

The "good pressure" does not work in every situation. Maybe your child is completely lost in their lives or maybe your child is very unmotivated to complete their assigned schoolwork on time. In these instances, a little bit of pressure may end up going a long way in a positive direction. However, in a situation where you might want your child to go to an Ivy league university, but they know that they probably don't have the ability to do so, that type of pressure will affect your child in a very negative way. For some people, this might seem very intuitive. I think it's important to just step back for a second and think about how your actions can really affect your child in a profound way.

Now let's explore the other ways that your children can encounter pressure in their daily lives. I think a lot of the pressure that your child might feel comes from their schools. Particularly in high school, children may feel the pressure to need to go to a top-notch university, and so they can sense the competition that builds up within their grade at school. When I was in high school, I encountered this pressure a little bit. My high school was very rigorous and emphasized that their students always end up at very high ranked universities. Thus, the school put pressure on its students, and then the students began to compete with each other, without even realizing it. My grade also had very intelligent and bright students. Even though I was getting good grades, I was in all honors classes, and I took a few AP classes, I wasn't even in the top 10% or even 15% of my class. I constantly felt like I wasn't bright, and that I could never be good enough compared to my peers, and especially compared to my closest friends. Even though my parents were very proud of my accomplishments, I wasn't really proud of myself. I always just felt that I was mediocre, and that I needed to just try harder. A lot of students feel the same way that I do, and it can be very difficult to admit it, especially to proud parents.

The next type of pressure I will discuss is pressure within the family, which I will also talk more about in detail later on in the chapter. Many children feel the need to live up to their parents' expectations, or even exceed them. Most parents will probably not want to believe that their child has any issues. Many parents will also trust their children, which is great, but it can put pressure on the child to feel like they need to be exactly the way that their parents want them to be. As a parent, when you set expectations for your child to behave in a certain way, they most likely will attempt to uphold the image that you paint of them. If you believe and constantly treat your child as the "perfect child" they will strive very hard to live up to that, and be afraid to make any mistakes. In addition to this, they may be afraid to tell you about problems that they have because it will make them seem as though they have imperfections. They may even fear your judgment.

You should want to show your child that you will be there for them no matter what. Telling them is great, but they may not believe you, especially when they are feeling this pressure to fulfill your expectations of them. Show them by telling them that no matter what happens you will be there for them and you will always take their side. Tell them that people make mistakes sometimes and it's only natural; People learn best from making mistakes and fixing what they have done wrong.

Additionally, children often feel the need to be as successful as their parents. Especially when their parents are very well off, children feel pressured to do just as well or even better. Sometimes this pressure can come from the parents, but many times it doesn't. Children may feel that they can only pursue certain types of industries, or the same occupations as their parents. They begin to fear that they may not be able to provide for their families in the future as well as their parents provided for them. Or maybe they fear that their passions will not allow them to succeed financially as well as they had hoped. In order to allow your child to alleviate some of this pressure, it is important to show them that you support them. Yes they might have unrealistic passions, in which it will be imperative to guide them towards a better direction, but in a way that doesn't put more pressure on them. Show them that each person is different and sometimes things don't always go according to plan. Show them that if they will need help, financially, or with anything else, you will be there for them.

The pressure to fit in seems like an obvious one. Every child endures the pressure to fit in with the rest of their peers at some point in their lives. For some children it starts out really early on, and maybe doesn't even continue when they get older. For other children it only happens when they get older. Either way, it happens to everyone. The pressure to fit in can give children a lot of anxiety. Many children need to find a way to change themselves in order to belong to the group. Sometimes they realize that they are actually unhappy with themselves and they can't appreciate all of the good qualities they possess. In the extreme situations, some children will start to find things that are wrong with themselves, and obsess over how they can fix them. A lot of children just go through this as a phase. They change for a little and then they realize that they liked themselves better the way that they were before, and they find a group of friends that they fit in with better.

There are also other cases where all of these changes lead to a child's unhappiness. They don't really have a true identity and it becomes difficult for them to figure out who they really are or who they want to be. This is because they are unhappy with themselves and do not understand how to find true happiness. Sometimes it is very easy to see when your children are confused about themselves, especially when they undergo such drastic transformations. Other times, it is difficult to really know what is going on with your child.

Even if you may not be fully aware of the self-esteem issues that your child may have, but you suspect that something is going on, there are things you can do to help the situation. It's always great to talk things out with your child, but many times the child will probably not want to talk to you or will not want to admit that they are going through something. What I recommend is to make a list of things that your child is good at and a list of positive qualities about them that you admire. I believe it would be best to make the list yourself, and then give it to them. If you really want to, you can ask them to help you make the list, but they may not want to because they would feel embarrassed, and wouldn't want to admit that they are having problems. Tell them that you want them to post the list somewhere in their room, so that they can look at it when they're feeling down and remember all of their great qualities. If they don't want to hang it up, they should keep it somewhere safe, so that they can go back and look at it later.

The next pressure I will discuss is religious pressure. I don't believe that this pressure is as common as the rest, mainly because there are a lot of people who aren't religious or don't identify closely with their religion. This type of pressure will probably mostly affect people who are very religious, but can also affect people who just believe in God as well. Every religion requires that its followers perform several religious obligations. Those who are more religious will probably be more committed to carrying out these obligations than those who consider themselves less religious or secular. Many people strongly believe in their religion and feel that it is a big part of their identity. Therefore, those types of people understand their obligations, and commit to maintaining all traditions and practices. However, there are people who are born into religious families. Even as children they will have religious obligations, and many times they will not understand the significance of these obligations, but they continue to fulfill them because that's how they were taught.

The truth is that there are some people who fulfill these obligations without another thought, and they don't care that they don't understand the importance of it, but they just believe in carrying out their obligations. Other people, those who are inspired by fear, they will continue to carry out their obligations for a different reason. They may or may not be aware of the religious significance and purpose behind the traditions and obligations. Even if they know why they're doing it, they do it mainly because of fear of what will happen when they don't.

There are some religions that require people to fulfill certain obligations with the idea that if they don't they will not be able to go to heaven. While this may be an important aspect of the religion, it will mainly inspire fear in people. They're motivation to carry out their obligations will be more extrinsic, rather than intrinsic. But besides that, they will constantly be afraid. If they don't do this, or they don't do that then something bad will happen to them or their families. Some religions don't even need to tell their followers that if they don't commit to the traditions, something will happen to them, for their followers to be afraid. These obligations become so habitual or they are made out to be so important, that this begins to put pressure on people. They become fearful of the unknown of what will happen if they skip a day of prayer, or if they decide to stop committing to their religion, even if they did not know why they were doing it in the first place.

People who do not even identify as a religious individual, but have a strong belief in God can feel this type of pressure as well. People who strongly believe in God and believe in His omnipotence can become fearful of Him. Not everyone who believes in God will fear Him, or at least to the extent of other people. A family member once told me that if I feared God then that means that I believed in Him and his miracles. I really took this to heart. People who constantly fear God will forget why they uphold religious obligations. They will commit to their obligations because they're too fearful of what God will do to them if they don't. Also, they might fear that if they don't do what God wants them to do, He will stop answering their prayers.

I used to fear God. As a result of all of my fears, it became difficult for me to love Him and to appreciate Him for the right reasons. I used to pray everyday for fear of what would happen if I didn't. I was grateful for everything I had, but I was worried that if I didn't express my gratitude to Him, everything would be taken away from me. It took me a long time to realize that fearing Him was not healthy, and impeded me from living my life the way that I wanted to live it. Once I realized that I feared God instead of loving Him, I was able to change that about myself, and understand that if I didn't pray every single day no one was going to get hurt. Anything that happened to myself or to others was out of my control.

What I have discussed here are just some of the pressures that children may feel on a daily basis. Not all children endure all of these types of pressures, but most children definitely go through at least a couple. The most common pressures that children undergo are probably the pressure to fit in and the pressure to succeed, both in school and in life in general. Even though those might be the most relevant, it doesn't mean that the others are less important to be concerned about. Each type of pressure can have a huge impact on your child, or really on anyone.

So what can you do to help prevent or help your child alleviate the pressure that they feel? The first step is recognizing the challenges that your child faces everyday. Once you become aware of what is going on with your child, you can inform them as well. They may not even be aware of all of the pressure and stress that consumes them. Show them that they are feeling all of this unnecessary pressure, and tell them that you are there for support. Work together to come up with solutions to reduce some of this pressure. Work together to find healthy ways for your child to become motivated. Show them that it's okay to fall, and that when you fall, there is always a way to get back up.

If they are not aware and don't show any explicit signs of struggle, it can become difficult for you to understand, or even notice that they are under so much pressure. So what do you do when your child hides all of their stress or doesn't even realize that they are constantly under pressure? Because now you have the information about the types of pressures that children endure, use it to your advantage. Use it as a tool by showing your child that you know what pressure is and how it affects people. You don't necessarily need to educate your child if they are not familiar with the different types of pressures that exist. Instead, share common experiences that you've had when you were their age. Yes, they may admit to you that they don't want to hear it, but when they do hear it, they may relate, and it could help their situation a lot. Many times, if you open up to them, they will feel comfortable enough to open up to you. If they don't feel comfortable enough, don't be insulted. Guide them towards someone else that they can trust and speak to about the issues that they are going through. Show them that you want to help no matter what.

In my opinion, showing support is the most important thing a parent can do to help their child through any situation. Tell them that you understand that they aren't ready to talk to you about it, but you are here for them either way. Explain to them that you are perfectly fine with it if they decide to get outside help with someone else they can be comfortable with. Ultimately, if you don't show support, it will be at least 10 times more difficult for your child to get better. Yes, they may need a therapist, or a friend outside of the family, but that doesn't mean that they don't need YOU. You are an important part of the process of improving your child's mental health.

Furthermore, saying things like, "I can see that you're hurting, do you want to talk about it?" or "I understand that you are struggling. I want you to know that I am always here for you," and "It is perfectly okay if you want to see someone to talk about what you're going through," are things that your child needs to hear. Your child probably knows that you love them, care for them, and even support them, but most of the time, people, including children, seek confirmation. Saying how you feel and expressing your support aloud goes a long way. As a parent, it is extremely important to recognize that.

It's common for people, even children, to not like to admit that they need help. While they may not admit to you directly that they want help, that doesn't mean that they don't need it. Telling them that it is okay to get help will make them more comfortable with the idea, and more likely to actually get the help they really need. Like I've mentioned before, some children feel pressure to be strong for their family or feel like they need to handle everything on their own. As a parent, show them that it's okay to be vulnerable. No one should have to be strong all of the time, and no one should have to feel like they're alone in their struggle. Pressure is overwhelming, but anxiety is consuming.

# Chapter 5. Extra Support

My parents really didn't know. They didn't know how much I was struggling, how much pain I was in, and how fearful I was. They really had no idea, and I wasn't so eager to tell them about the way I was feeling. The biggest reason why I never said anything to my parents is because I just didn't think it was a problem. I didn't think my unknown anxiety was damaging my overall mental health. I didn't understand that the longer I held everything in, the higher the consequences would be.

I was also too scared to tell them. My parents and I had never had those types of deep conversations. I didn't think they would believe me or take me seriously if I revealed that I had frequent panic attacks. But I also think that another part of it was that if I told them about it and they listened to me, then maybe I did actually need to get professional help from a therapist. Either way, telling my parents about my anxious thinking seemed like a bad idea. For a long time, I really didn't feel comfortable talking to my parents about the things that were bothering me. This wasn't their fault. They had assured me many times in the past that I could talk to them about anything. I just didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about it.

Since I was a child, I always kept my feelings inside. I never wanted to show weakness. I rarely let anyone see me cry, even when I was a little girl. I was embarrassed of crying, especially in front of other people, and I still am.

When I was 11-years-old, I was in a physical education class, when a tennis ball hit my eye. It hurt so bad, I couldn't fully open my eye for a few hours. Everyone rushed to see if I was okay. Some of the other kids even started laughing, so I pretended to laugh too to hide my crying. I was like laughing-crying. Tears were coming out, but I pretended that the situation was funny. Maybe to the other students it was, but to me, it was definitely not. I was too ashamed of letting my peers see me cry. The situation was already very embarrassing for me. I needed to pretend I was okay so that I wouldn't feel humiliated.

This was quite common for me, well, not getting hit by tennis balls in the face. I never wanted to seem like a very emotional person. I never wanted people to see me emotionally hurt. Part of the reason for that was because I was ashamed, but another part was because I felt guilty. I thought that if I hadn't endured a horrible tragedy, I wasn't allowed to be sad, hopeless, anxious, and overly emotional. There was nothing and no one in my life that forced me to believe that; but at the same time, there wasn't anyone who told me it was okay to express all of my emotions without judgment either. So, I decided to just let things go, until it came to the point where I knew I could no longer handle the burden of anxiety on my own.

It wasn't until I felt like I didn't have a purpose for my life that I sought help from a professional. I was afraid that if I didn't talk to someone, I wouldn't be able to find my purpose. I felt useless, but also frustrated. If I was just going to end up dead, then why should I try to make a change in my life? What would be the point of putting in effort if we were all just going to die anyway? I needed answers to these questions and I couldn't think of them on my own. I didn't want to kill myself, but I also didn't feel like I had a purpose to live.

For a while I tried to guilt trip myself to stay alive. How could I do that to my family and friends? How could I end my life when so many other people didn't even get a chance to live theirs? This worked for a while, but I still felt like I lacked a purpose, and I was trying hard to find one.

The day of my high school graduation, I finally got the courage to ask my parents if I could see a therapist. They agreed, with no questions asked. I was shocked, but also excited. I was ready to let go of all of the anxiety tormenting me.

The first time I saw my therapist and told her all about my anxieties, I cried a lot. I was embarrassed at first. I even apologized for crying. My therapist helped me see that it was okay to release all of my bottled up emotions and fears. By the end of the session, I stopped being embarrassed. I walked out of there feeling somewhat accomplished, and truly believing that therapy was going to cure me.

My therapist told me that I needed to come in at least once a week, so that I could heal, and learn how to let go of my anxieties. I listened to her because she was the only person I trusted at the time. My parents were less than pleased with this. They kept asking me what was going on, and why I needed her to talk about it with. I kept telling them that she was helping me. I told them that I couldn't talk to them about the problems I was having. They didn't understand that seeing my therapist often was helping me actually function in my daily life again. Besides the expensive fees that my therapist charged, my parents were afraid that I was going to become too reliant on therapy, and not be able to handle my issues on my own. My parents did not get that I truly needed professional help, and seeing a therapist was the first step for me to get that help.

My parents are not American born. They grew up in a foreign culture and environment, where therapy just didn't exist. They were never told that it was alright to ask for help, so they were just used to living that way. They lived their lives dealing with their issues by themselves. When they immigrated to America, they brought this sort of way of life with them.

As a result, my parents were very not supportive of me continuing to go to therapy. After every time I went, they would ask me how many more sessions I would need to get better. I tried to explain to them that it didn't work that way. It would take a long time for me to get better; therapy isn't magic. However, they hesitantly let me keep going, just a little less frequently. They constantly asked me over and over why they couldn't help me themselves. Additionally, I was given the "Our generation didn't need therapy, why is your generation so messed up that they need therapy" talks. "The American society is making children believe that there's something wrong with them, and that they need therapy," my parents would say.

It was really difficult to improve my mental state because my parents were not supportive. It bothered them a lot that I wouldn't talk to them about it, and so they really didn't know what was going on in my head. Because they weren't supportive of the challenges I was attempting to overcome, they neglected to see how much I suffered from my anxiety. I never blame them for this. Coming from a culture and generation when therapy wasn't really a thing, I knew it was difficult for them to understand how useful therapy really is.

However, the fact that my parents weren't supportive enough put a lot of pressure on me. For a while, I mostly thought that they didn't want me to go to therapy because of the money. I then felt bad spending their money every time I went, and so especially when I started college in the fall, I went to therapy less and less. But it wasn't really about the money for them. My parents believed that society was telling me that I needed to go to therapy, like it was some kind of trend. Since they really didn't know how much I was struggling at the time, they couldn't comprehend how therapy had been helping me in such a profound way.

When I told my parents that my therapist had diagnosed me with General Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder, they shrugged it off. "That's nonsense," they said to me. I was upset with them for just brushing off my problems like they weren't a big deal. "Panic Disorder is a real thing," I tried to tell them. It bothered me a lot that they didn't think any of this was real. My anxiety was affecting my life in such a big way, and at the time, my parents refused to acknowledge that.

My therapist insisted on meeting with my parents to try to explain to them a little bit of what I was going through. My parents were happy to meet with her. They were looking forward to finally knowing a little bit more about what was going on with me, and I'm sure they wanted to get a sense of what they were paying for as well. I was very uncomfortable at the meeting. I wanted my therapist to do all of the talking, but I think my parents wanted to hear more from me first.

Even though my mom kept asking how long it would take for me to get better, and how many more sessions I would need with my therapist, I was grateful that my parents were willing to take time out of their day to talk to my therapist, and try to understand what I was going through. It is so important for your child that you try to understand what they're experiencing. Meeting and talking to their therapist is a great way to do that. Your child allows the therapist to reveal as much as they want, without having to tell you the confidential stuff. I can understand how that can be frustrating for parents, but your child will be thankful that you cared enough to try. Even if it seems like they want to keep their anxiety a secret from you, it would be a lot easier for them if you at least knew a little bit about it. Meeting with their therapist is a great way to show them that you are supporting them through their difficult time.

Meeting with my therapist definitely helped my parents start to understand a little bit of what I was going through, but they were still a little skeptical about therapy in general. My dad kept suggesting that I try doing community service because maybe if I was helping other people, I would feel better. I liked the idea, and I really did think about trying to see if community service would help me, but I knew that I still needed to continue seeing my therapist. I wanted my parents to be okay with me seeing my therapist, and it was really hard that they weren't for such a long time.

When I started going to college, my anxiety got worse, and I didn't have much access to my therapist there. Every time I came home, I saw my therapist. She continuously suggested that I see a psychiatrist and get medicine to treat my anxiety, but I was wary about what the medicine would do. I was halfway done with my first year of college, when I realized that I did need the extra medicinal help. Now the only thing I needed was my parents' approval. I knew that since I was over 18, I technically didn't need to ask them for permission, but I also didn't want to go behind their back. To my surprise, my parents were not upset about my decision to start taking medication.

My dad came with me to meet my psychiatrist. In the past, he had had a bad experience with some herbal type of medicine, and he wanted to make sure I wouldn't have the same kind of experience on my anti-depressants. He asked all of the right questions, and he actually liked my psychiatrist. He was supportive, and that was very important to me.

It surprised me how many kids in Los Angeles, and kids that I knew, were being medicated or had been on anti-depressants at some point. On the one hand, the fact that psychiatrists were handing out medication like free samples at Costco made me nervous. Did I really need the medication? Could I not get over my anxieties on my own? Do all these kids really need medication? It made me think about what my parents had said before. Our society must be pretty messed up if half of Los Angeles is on anti-depressants, and now I must be one of those messed up people.

On the other hand, I was going through a lot of, for lack of better word, shit, in my mind. I didn't want to continue living in fear, and experiencing frequent panic attacks anymore. It was almost as if the medication was my only hope. So, like all of the other stereotypical Los Angeles private school students, I joined the anti-depressant bandwagon.

I think that a big reason why my parents agreed to let me start taking the medication was because my psychiatrist told them that I could possibly get off of it within 6 months. That was a nice idea. I think a part of me even wanted that to be true, like a guarantee that I'd be all better and anxiety-free within 6 months! That was definitely not the case, though.

My new pills were helping immensely. It took a few weeks for them to fully kick in, but I felt like I was slowly able to be myself again. However, even though my parents were not very pleased, I still continued to go to therapy. My parents didn't understand that these pills weren't completely magic. I couldn't just get better overnight. Overcoming anxiety is a process, and it takes time. "But you're feeling better, right?" This was a question my parents asked me way too often. "Yeah, I guess so," was my response. Then more questions came. "So why do you still need to go to a therapist? How long do you think until you will get better?" I didn't know how to answer these questions in a way that my parents would both understand and approve of.

Anti-depressants are very powerful. They can really affect the mind in significant ways. People definitely underestimate the potency of medication. Pills are not for everyone. Some people feel more comfortable overcoming anxiety without prescription medicine. I completely understand that, especially because some pills that work for one person, will not necessarily work for other people. Taking medication is sort of risky. Psychiatrists recommend what they think will work best to mitigate your unique anxiety, but they cannot be 100% sure that the pills they prescribe will benefit you.

I changed medications about 3 times before finding a good fit. If you're a person who wants to take medication and truly believes that it will benefit you, you have to be prepared for potentially having to change different kinds before finding the right one for you (or your child). Moreover, it is absolutely vital to keep track of the way your mind or body changes while taking these medications. You have to recognize when they're affecting you in a negative way, and when they're working in a positive way.

The first medication I took, along with my birth control pills, made me gain some unwanted weight. Rather than changing my birth control, I changed my anti-depressants. When I changed my medication, things did not go so well, and my anxiety actually worsened.

During my third year of college, I was sitting in a class one evening, when my mind started to wander off. Again, I was getting lost in my dark thoughts and anxieties, but this time something felt different. Similarly to times in the past, I felt like my life didn't have a purpose. This time though, I took my thoughts to an even darker place. "I haven't accomplished anything in my life. People don't care about me; I don't have friends that love and care for me. If I died, maybe a couple people would care at first, but everyone would get over it. I'm a waste of space, I'm not important to anyone. Is there really a point to living anymore?" I thought.

I walked out of the classroom feeling useless and depressed. I wanted someone to give me a reason to live again. These thoughts scared me. In the past, I had questioned the purpose of my life, but this time it felt like my thoughts had intensified. I called my boyfriend at the time to convince me that I had a purpose. I am very grateful for him being able to be there for me when I really needed him. After talking to my therapist as well, I recognized that my dark thoughts were a negative side effect of the medication I was prescribed. Immediately, I called my psychiatrist, and she told me to stop taking it right away.

Again, pills aren't right for everyone. You have to be willing to take the risks of experiencing negative side effects, and you have to be willing to know that the first one you try may not necessarily be the right one for you. Of course during this situation, my parents freaked out. However, they were very supportive of me wanting to stay on medication, but change to a different kind.

It's important to be supportive of your child, but it's also important to learn about the risks you're taking when you decide to introduce medication into the equation. There are pros and cons to everything. Seeing a therapist is very beneficial, but it can only go so far. Sometimes, medication gives people with an anxiety an extra push, and maybe some extra hope that things will get better.

Ultimately though, as a parent, it's your job to be there for your child. You should believe them when they say that they're hurting. Just because they may not be comfortable enough to talk to you about their anxieties, doesn't mean that their problems aren't real. I am a strong proponent of therapy. It is very useful to get an unbiased professional to step in and help your child overcome anxiety. When your child is ready, they will come to you, and tell you as much as they feel comfortable with. In the mean time, the following chapters will show what else you can do to help your child mitigate or prevent future anxiety.

# Chapter 6. What is Motivation?

From my experiences, I've found that anxiety can be caused by a lack of motivation. But what is motivation? This is the first question that I will answer for you. I know what you're thinking. Miriam-Webster can also answer that for you. But I think the most memorable definitions come from associations, and specifically from anecdotes. Webster can't give you an anecdote, but I can. So what really is motivation? Motivation is giving someone or something a meaningful purpose. Motivation involves encouragement and hope.

In my eyes, motivation comes from support and unconditional love, and in my opinion, these are two of the most important aspects of parenting. I'm not saying that if your teenage daughter wants to get a dolphin tattoo on her back that you should support that. But when your child works hard to come up with an idea, invent something, and uses their imagination to create something, sometimes it's best to just go with it. Besides love and support, motivation requires other ingredients. One of the most important is acknowledgement.

You might wonder what I mean by acknowledgement. Well, what I mean is this: effort requires acknowledgement. When a person puts in their time and effort in order to reach some sort of goal, or create something that they believe may be wonderful, they want some recognition for their accomplishments. They want people to notice how much time was spent on a project and the amount of thought that went into it. People want others to express how proud they are of them. Many people take these things for granted. This seems like very basic information, or common knowledge even, but many people forget how powerful encouragement really is. Parents work hard for their children, and strive to be the best parents they can be for their children. There is no doubt about that. But not every child realizes that. Yes, they know how much their parents love them, and of course they love their parents very much. However, many children need that extra push. Many parents don't realize how important that extra "I love you" or "I'm proud of you" is. It's those little things that children need to hear that really make a difference. But it doesn't stop once they get older. Just because a child is eligible to vote, own a house, and get married, doesn't mean that they're too old for their parents to show their appreciation and pride.

Even though some kids put up a front that they don't care what their parents think and they're too cool for school and all that nonsense, every child cares what people think, and every child needs to hear from their parents how proud they are of their children. Trust me. As a teenage girl, I cannot buy anything at the mall that my mom doesn't approve of, otherwise I will have to go back to the store and return it. When she isn't with me I take pictures of the items, and send them to her, because if she doesn't approve, I won't buy it. I know this is sort of an extreme situation, but the overall message that I'm trying to send here is true. Children want that confirmation from their parents. No, more than want. They NEED it. This is how they know that they are doing something right. But let me tell you, this doesn't only apply to children. People need acknowledgement.

Ultimately, acknowledgement is the key too motivation. But in addition to that, people need reassurance, and this is seen especially with children. People look to get some sort of confirmation from others who they see as superior to them. Besides adults, this can also be friends, other family members, such as older siblings, or people that they admire. Many adults need that confirmation too. But in children it might be more apparent than in adults.

So why do people desperately seek this confirmation? People have so many insecurities, even ones that they don't even realize they have. Many of these insecurities are subconscious. You might read this and say to yourself that you've never felt the need for confirmation from someone, or that your child has never needed it either. At first, I felt the same way. I was the type of person who put up a front to seem as though nothing bothered me and that I didn't care what people thought. But what I've learned is that it's okay to sometimes care what others think and it's okay to have someone guide you towards a specific path. However, you need to be careful that the confirmation you seek isn't because you don't feel confident enough to trust yourself. That's what I'm trying to work on myself. It's very difficult sometimes to trust yourself, and that's really why we crave the opinions of others. We think that getting the approval from others is going to bring us success. But is that really going to help us feel like we accomplished something? Probably not. So here is my advice: take baby steps to show your child how to trust themselves. It might even help you learn to fully trust yourself as well.

If you have a daughter, you could try this out on her first. Many teenage girls usually like to get the approval of their friends before wearing an outfit to a party or some sort of event. A lot of the time, girlfriends give their genuine opinion. But other times, girls subconsciously don't say what they actually mean, because they may be envious of their friend and wouldn't want her to look better than them. This may sound silly to you, but it is an average scenario that occurs regularly.

And so, because the girl seeking her friend's approval might be insecure, she will listen to their opinion and put something on that maybe she doesn't like as much, or doesn't look as good in, in order to feel more secure about herself and to feel like she fits in with the rest of the group. I can't tell you that this will for sure happen to your daughter. I also can't tell you for sure that my advice will benefit you. What I suggest is that you ask your daughter to show you her outfit first, but not in way that she feels threatened to wear something very conservative. Once you look at her choices, support her decision. Chances are, she won't want to listen to your style advice, but at least she will feel a little more confident in what she has chosen because of your support. Tell her to put on the outfit before her friends arrive, so that she won't let them influence her. Encourage her to make her own decisions, and compliment her, so that she can build her inner strength. Yes, this might be a very specific example, but this type of support can be applied to many different situations for all ages and genders.

For example, here is a situation that applies to many teenage boys. There may be a boy who is interested in a girl and he asks his friend if he should go for it. In many situations, friends do give their honest opinions, but other times friends subconsciously lie because of jealousy. Some of his friends may tell him to go for it, especially if the girl is out of his league, because they subconsciously know that he will end up being humiliated and rejected. Others may tell him not to go for the girl that he does have a chance with because they may want to date her or maybe they don't want him to date at all. It is all part of the insecurities. As a parent, you may not be aware of this type of situation because maybe your son is not so open about his dating life. But if by chance he is open about it, ask him first why he is interested in the girl. If he has genuine reasons, and it sounds to you like he has a chance, then you should support his decision to go for it. Encourage him not to ask his friends for their opinions, and maybe not to reveal to others about his crush. Once he feels supported and confident in his own skin, he will stop seeking the approval of others.

This constant insecurity is not just going to go away after one situation, but it's a baby step. Over time, people learn to become stronger and stronger, and they start to learn what success really is. Is it the path you take to accomplish your goals, or is it the prize at the end? This is the question that many people, especially younger children, struggle with.

In my eyes, all of this comes back to motivation. Even if you may feel like you're the most confident person in the world or that there is no way that your child has any insecurities, well you're probably wrong. I'll let you in on a little secret: There is not one person on this Earth that does not have some sort of insecurity about something. All of those people that walk around very confident and seem like they have it all put together, might be the ones with the least amount of confidence. There are a lot of different levels of insecurities. In my opinion, there is no way to fully eliminate them. But you and your child can become stronger so that you don't let it bother you as much. Parents are role models for their children. Your child, even if they don't know it, looks up to you.

It seems to me like there is a lot of pressure, maybe even from society that is put on parents to be the hero for their child. Many children do view their parents as their heroes or role models, and want to grow up to be just like their parents. But in some cases, there is a lot of pressure that is also put on the children that maybe the parents don't always realize.

In other situations, there is pressure for the children to grow up to be like their parents or be as successful as their parents, maybe even take over the family business. These types of pressures can cause anxiety and insecurities within the child, that maybe they aren't fully conscious of and maybe they try to hide it so that their parents don't know. I'm not saying that this applies to all children, or even most. I'm also not saying that parents always cause this to happen. I'll be honest sometimes parents do cause this, maybe without even realizing it. But the bottom line is this: Parents, don't quickly blame yourselves. Chances are it's not even your fault, which it's probably not. Kids, this isn't your fault either. It's a natural part of life. Again, many children with successful parents might feel like they need to try hard to become as wealthy or successful as their parents. I think in most cases the parent is not aware of the pressure that children put on themselves, and parents are not the ones that cause these insecurities. In my family, my parents built their own company and became successful. However, originally they came from nothing. They lived in a less than average home. My dad lived on a farm and my mom did not live a very privileged lifestyle either. As a teenager, my mom learned to make her own clothes so that she could keep up with the style trends, but save money as well. My dad learned to make use of everything he had and build with his own hands, instead of relying on money and materials. When my parents moved to the United States, they came with nothing in their pockets. My mom was kicked out by the first family she lived with, and my dad lived in his car for a little bit, while trying to work two jobs. My parents worked incredibly hard to get to where they are today, and they never stopped working hard so that they can provide everything they didn't have as children for their own.

To me, I look at my parents as very inspirational. They came to a foreign country without knowing anyone or the language. They left everything that was familiar to them: their friends, family, home, language, culture, and basically their entire life. They made a brave decision to start a better life in a new place, where they knew that they could give their future children everything. I feel very blessed and proud of my parents for all their hard work. I am thankful for everything that they've given me, including an incredible life and childhood. But at the same time, all of this makes me think about when I grow up and become a parent. I grew up with everything that I needed and wanted. Am I going to be able to give my children the same type of life that my parents gave me? And what if I don't? What if I'm unable to give my children the life they deserve? Then should I feel guilty for that? Should I be embarrassed? Many children put this kind of pressure on themselves to become successful especially in situations like these because they think, well if my parents came from nothing and are now economically successful, then I need to be successful because I grew up in a privileged home. I'm not saying that I necessarily feel this way, or most people do. Many of the people that do feel this way don't even know it. It gives you something to think about. We, children, invent this ridiculous logic that can eventually become a powerful insecurity. This may seem like foolish or absurd thinking to parents, but this is really how a lot of children feel.

In some cases, a child who feels this way may push him or herself to do really well in school, go to a good college, get the best of the best education and career and life that they can get, so they don't feel that they have to be in their parents' shadows. I think that in other occasions, children go to the opposite side, meaning that they may become a new type of person in order to rebel against their parents to make themselves feel better. Usually, these types of children have the lowest self-esteem because they are ashamed to be who they are, so they feel like they need to invent a new persona in order to fit some sort of mold or stereotype. A "bad boy" image is a more common one of children who are trying to rebel. I can't say that I have personally had many encounters with a bad boy type, but it seems to me like they think that if they stoop to a lower level and try on purpose to be unsuccessful in their lives, their parents will have a lower expectation for them. A lower expectation will mean that it won't take a lot of effort for them to "succeed." But what many people forget is the real definition of success.

Success isn't necessarily about how much money you make, the college you went to, if you sat at the popular table, or even what your career might be. Real success is shown by the amount of effort you put in to accomplish your goals. Your success will come from your proactive nature. You need to ask yourself and help your child understand what it means to be proactive, and help them learn how to be proactive. With being proactive comes a desire and passions. When you have desire and passions, you are more inclined to accomplish what you want, and maybe even find what you are looking for in life.

Success can also be helping someone else, like helping your child understand new concepts or ideas. Success can be encouraging your child and motivating them towards a better future. Success isn't always about the prize at the end. It is about the journey you take and what you conquer on the way to get to that prize. Even if you don't win the prize, you had the experience. You chose a direction, you acted on a passion that turned into an idea, and you tried to make something great happen to yourself. This is what many children, especially young kids, don't realize, and that is why it is important for parents to express these things.

When children play games, they have their eyes on the trophy at the end. They don't always realize why working hard is so important, because society has always put more of an emphasis on what it means to win. This confuses children because they think that winning is equivalent to a statue of a golden man. The truth is, success is the work they put in, and what they learned, and how they apply what they learn into their lives.

Most kids don't realize that though, and honestly, many adults don't either. So many people are so obsessed with the competition that they completely lose themselves and forget why they're actually playing. And then what happens when someone gets hurt physically or emotionally? Was "winning" really worth it? What does it really mean to win? I think first of all, it depends on how you win. What journey did you take to get to that point? Was it a moral journey? Or did you have to hurt some people on the way to cross the finish line? And what if you lost? But you did try your best! So does that make you a loser? In my opinion, it definitely does not. If people began to realize this, they would probably be a lot less aggressive and insecure. But parents, if you can't learn this, then you definitely can't teach it.

Every parent has his or her own definition of winning. But some parents have a more aggressive definition where they really put pressure on their children. From an outside point of view, it seems like these are the parents who had it rough growing up and now they are trying to live vicariously through their children, which is very tragic. Yes, it is important to guide your kids. It is also important to let them discover their own passions and make their own mistakes sometimes. Pushing your kids to always win or be much more competitive than everyone else will result in one of two things: Either you will push them away, they will no longer have any motivation, and they will act in ways that make you angry on purpose, or you will cause them to become bitter and conceited. Eventually, when they lose a competition, they will not have the self-confidence that they used to have. This is what happens to kids that don't know how to lose.

Take this situation for example: your child is on a basketball team. He and his team practiced very hard and played their best to get to the championship round of the season. Once they finally played at the championship game, they lost to their rivalry team. Of course your child will probably come home very upset. He will feel hurt and embarrassed that all of his work didn't seem to pay off. He won't focus on how well he played during the game. All he cares about is that he and his team lost and that's what matters. What are you going to do in this situation? What type of parent will you be? Only you can be the one to make this choice. But hopefully you will make the right decision for you and your child. My personal advice would be to explain to them your definition of success and what it actually means to win. But your definition might be different than mine. To me, someone who is the winner of the competition is the competitor that worked the hardest, which in my eyes is also the most valuable player. Your success shouldn't be defined by the result; it should be defined by you. Did you work your hardest? If you tried your best and you can honestly say that you performed to your greatest potential, then you are successful.

However, we all know that we can be our toughest critics. Yes, it is important to always ask yourself how can I do better? But most of all, it is important not to focus on our faults, but rather on our accomplishments. For every fault or mistake, try to name at least two accomplishments. "Okay. Maybe I didn't try my hardest at this game. Maybe I should have passed the ball more, but I did score 10 points today!" Or something like, "My team didn't end up winning, but overall we had fun. We had a great season and we worked our hardest, and that means that we are the true winners." It is important for you to understand this so that your child can learn it from you. If you show your child that winning doesn't matter and you show your child their accomplishments from the day, then they will believe you. They will become motivated to keep working hard.

Remember, you are their role model. Kids can always sense what their parents are feeling or thinking, especially through tone and body language. Your child will know if you don't mean what you say. Your opinion matters to them, but they will not believe you if you just tell them what they want to hear. Show them that you care and that you noticed their effort. Tell them something small that they can work on too maybe, but mostly focus on the positives. Show them something they did that maybe they didn't notice before. Maybe they always try to get the team together and pass the ball to each other. Have them acknowledge their accomplishments. Most importantly, teach your children that they don't need to run the fastest, jump the highest, or be at the top of the class to be successful. The key is motivation. When kids are motivated they want to try, and when they try, they will begin to put in a lot of effort. Even if they feel that effort wasn't worth it, show them why it was and how it helped everyone else. To be successful, you just need to try your best and have a goal set so that you can accomplish it. Even if you only accomplish part of your goal, it will still be just as rewarding.

It is only natural for parents to compare their child's abilities with other children. Many parents do not care whether or not their child is better than any other child. Some parents, however, are bothered by their child's lack of abilities. As a result, your child may wonder if because they may not be as fast as a runner as John that maybe they aren't good enough. Maybe they aren't good enough to join the soccer team, even though they love to play soccer.

If you have young children, a situation like this might be the first time your child will recognize what success is, and whether or not they have succeeded. Many children don't care for competitions. However, there are also a lot of children that do. When they realize they might not be as talented as someone else, they may take it really hard and criticize themselves. Therefore, their self-esteem starts to go down. Honestly, I was never a competitive child. I didn't like competitions, so I tried my best to avoid them. As a child I was never athletic, so I also never played on a sports team. I was one of those children who knew that there was no hope to gain athleticism. Coordination was not my thing, and I was really okay with the fact that I was never going to grow up to be a professional athlete, no matter how hard I tried. I just didn't care. I always put minimal effort in physical education classes, and I never got involved in arguments between my team and the other team. I think this type of attitude, especially in the athletic world, might be more common with young girls, but there are still tons of children who do like competition and are desperate to win. The best thing to do is to be somewhere in the middle. Maybe I should have put in a little more effort in a basketball game during my PE class to make my team happy. But on the other hand, I'm proud of myself for not getting caught up in competition, and possibly hurting someone's feelings.

Generally though, it is only natural for children to compare their own abilities to their peers. Sometimes this might be a good thing. It can help the child become motivated to try harder and do better. Most of the time, though, it is detrimental to your child. It opens up a world of insecurities that your child begins to explore. They start to lose the meaning of success, and what it actually means to win. If the child sees that he did better than his other friends, he will look at himself as a winner. If he does not do as well as his other peers, he will begin to perceive himself as a loser. Neither perception is healthy.

When a child perceives him or herself as a loser, his self-esteem will begin to decrease. He will stop being motivated because he will think that he isn't talented or isn't smart enough. On the other hand, a child who constantly perceives himself as a winner will not know what it means to lose. His self-esteem will go through the roof, but not in a good way. He will be overly confident, and that is never a good thing either because one day he will lose everything. Especially from an early age, children become very focused on the win-lose situation, and they forget about how to have fun. Particularly in schools and other activities, many adults endorse this kind of behavior, sometimes without even realizing it. Competitions can be healthy, but they can also bring kids down.

In schools, when teachers have a competition for honor roll or something like that, many children will become disappointed and feel that their lack of abilities sets them apart from the "smarter" students. These types of competitions also put pressure on kids. Many kids strive to work very hard in order to achieve some sort of result, and then when they aren't chosen as the "winner," they feel like all of their hard work was for nothing. They will not see how they have grown as a student; rather they will see themselves as lower than they actually are. And then, there are always the situations where at the end of the competition the adult will say, "even though John won the contest, you're all actually the winners." Adults do this because they want to show kids that it isn't all about winning or losing. They think that at the end of the day, this is what the children will want to hear after they worked so hard to achieve a goal that they didn't end up accomplishing. In fact, telling children that they are all winners no matter what actually makes the situation worse. This statement makes children feel even more below the winners and they can tell when an adult is saying this just because they think they have to.

It is important to show children that the end result doesn't matter as much as the way they got there. As a parent, you will be able to motivate your child more if you show them how much they have progressed from where they started. Once your child realizes that the progress he or she has made is the real success, they will be motivated to continue putting in the effort in everything else that they strive to accomplish.

# Chapter 7. How Do You Win?

How do you win? How do you regain control over anxiety? First, there needs to be a motivation, or a drive. One needs to want to improve their life. Usually, getting that motivation to do something about the problems in your life or your child's life is the hardest part. You can't force your child to become motivated, but you can guide them towards realizing that there are many ways to help people with anxiety start to feel better. Yes, psychotherapy is a very useful tool to combat anxiety. However, there are other things you and your child can do as well to lessen anxiety without outside help, or in addition to talking to someone else you trust.

It is important to recognize that people with anxiety need to feel supported and loved. Sometimes, for children, the love that they get from their parents isn't necessarily enough. This may seem selfish, but it isn't, and you should try to assist your child in understanding that. In addition, just because your child might need some extra loving doesn't mean that they do not appreciate the love they get from their parents. People want to feel like others care for them and enjoy being with them, too. There are plenty of ways to fill the void that your child may feel. In my opinion, one of the best ways to begin experiencing that unconditional love is through getting a pet, if you do not already have one.

When I was very young, I used to ask my parents over and over to get a dog. The answer would always be no. However, I do not believe that I was ever truly passionate enough about having a pet, so I did not continue to push the topic after my parents said no. When you're young, it is hard to understand how much responsibility comes from taking care of a pet, or really another living being other than yourself. I ended up letting go of the idea of having a pet, and I grew up not feeling like I was missing out on something.

I always hated the zoo. Animals never interested me. I was not one of those girls into cute puppies. Yes, some puppies were adorable, but I was not about to spend my free time googling pictures of cute tiny animals. I also did not know that pet therapy was a thing, let alone how powerful and useful it could really be. "How could having a pet improve my mental health?" I thought. Since I did not grow up with pets around the house, I was not able to comprehend the way that people could form such a strong bond with their pets. The ability that man has to build such a unique bond with an animal is quite powerful and amazing.

Before I adopted my dog, it had been 3 years since I first started getting help for my anxiety and depression. By that point I was still seeing my therapist, and I had changed psychiatrists. I also went on and off several different anti-depressants before finding one that would possibly work for me. I was consumed by the most irrational fears and obsessions, which truly made me believe that I could never be normal again. I was weirdly obsessed with my fear of death, but at the same time, I also felt like my life did not serve any real purpose.

For a while, I even felt unlovable. I was also taunted by the thought that I did not deserve to be cared about, especially because I was not starving in Africa, and I had not experienced any other types of hardships in my lifetime. Meanwhile, I was becoming sick of doctors, medicines, and constantly having to see my therapist. I wanted to feel like I mattered, and these doctors were not helping. I was living away, at my university at the time. I had some friends at school, but not many. I had a long-distance boyfriend, and my roommates were around, but I still felt alone. I did not know what to do to make myself feel better anymore.

One day, while on the phone with my parents, they told me how a family friend of ours got a dog, which really helped him combat the anxiety he was struggling with. As a result, they suggested that I should do the same, in the hopes that maybe taking care of a dog would help me feel loved again. When they first asked me if I wanted to get a dog, I thought it was a ridiculous idea. I questioned whether I would have the time or willingness to take care of someone other than myself.

After that conversation, I kept thinking about getting pet. The more I thought about it, the more I truly believed that having a dog around would actually help me get better. For a few weeks, I started spending my free time researching dog breeds, and visiting shelters to learn more about caring for dogs. When I came home one weekend, my family and I visited a few shelters in Los Angeles to find a dog that I might be able to connect with.

It was difficult for me to find the right dog. After going to a few shelters, we decided to stop at a park where shelters brought several dogs from all over Los Angeles for adoption. At that park, I finally found the one. Seeing my dog at the park was like experiencing love at first sight. I could see him from a distance, and even before we met, I immediately knew that I would adopt him.

That same day, I took my dog back to school with me. The first few days with him were definitely a challenge, as I needed to get used to the process of caring for a pet. Then, I was able to create a routine, and everyday things became less difficult. We instantly built a very tight bond. He was very attached to me, but I also became very dependent on him as well.

When I got home from class, my dog would be waiting at the door to greet me. My dog gave me the unconditional love I longed for. I even started to feel like I had some sense of purpose again. My dog also helped my social life at school immensely. People found me more approachable because they wanted to pet and learn more about my dog. Having a dog enabled me to begin making more friends at school, and ultimately, finding happiness.

I truly believe that having a dog around sparked something in me to be a new person. I was becoming a better version of myself by being more social, open, and relatable. My dog made me see that I did deserve to be loved, and he also showed me how to love myself. He gave me the courage, strength, and positivity that I needed in order to retake control over my anxieties.

But of course, everyone is different. Getting a pet is not the right choice for some families. If you are one of those families, there are other ways to encourage your child to improve their lives and overall mental health. Here are some of the things you can do to help a child struggling with anxiety:

This first one is super simple! Encourage your child to smile more often! People say smile because you never know who's watching. I know it's cheesy, but it's true! Even if that smile doesn't make their day, it might make someone else's day just a little bit brighter. People feel good when they make other people feel good. Smiling also makes people seem more approachable, which will help your child meet new people, or become more sociable. The smile will project onto other people, and put them in better moods. Smiling is so easy! It doesn't take any effort at all! So why not give it a try?

Another great way to begin to improve mental health is through exercise. Exercising is really important because it will enable your child to build more endorphins in their body. Endorphins are the chemicals that make the brain happy. You do not need to get them a gym membership, or sign them up for yoga classes, unless that is what they want to do. Even just committing to walking the dog around everyday, or just generally becoming more physically active will help in such profound ways. Help them get excited about moving around more and being fit. A healthy life is a happy life!

My next suggestion is to help your child find a hobby, or just something that they can be passionate, even if at first they aren't good at it. It's okay to enjoy doing something you aren't necessarily a pro at yet. If it is something that will make your child feel good, then that is what is most important. Finding a new hobby will help take their mind off things. Maybe they will even discover a passion or talent that they never knew they had! Motivate your children to keep themselves busy and try new things. Inspire them to pursue that dream that they always thought would never come true. Doing something they love will not only let them forget about their woes, but will also just make their lives happier. When they're able to get up and out of bed effortlessly, it will be easier to forget about anxiety for a little while.

Something else you can do is to encourage them (but do not push them) to spend more time with their friends. Maybe it's more frequent play dates, going out to the movies, mall, or lunches. Show your child that being around people more often can help decrease anxiety. On the other hand, if your child does not want to spend time with other people and feels the need to have some more alone time, you should support them. It is perfectly fine to suggest going out with other friends, but it is not okay to force it. When your child is ready, they will decide to join their friends.

My final suggestion is to treat them, or allow them to treat themselves, every once in a while. Treating one's self means rewarding one's self for making the decision to improving one's life, and then taking the steps towards achieving that improvement. To treat one's self also means doing anything else that makes one feel good. Go buy that pair of shoes you or your child has been eyeing for weeks, get a massage together, and go try that new restaurant that just opened down the street. Do whatever feels right for you and your child.

There are so many healthy ways to make a fresh start. Try it. You will be surprised at how much you and your child can achieve. Sometimes they need that extra push, and as parents, that is where you come in! You are their support, their guide, and their inspiration. Anxiety maybe strong, but you and your child are stronger! You have to be a team. Even if they do not understand that at first, show them that you will be there at any cost the way teammates are for each other. Work together to triumph over anxiety!

So this is where I leave you. You have the tools, the suggestions, the facts, and hopefully at least some of the motivation. Anxiety is tough. It can be cruel. It can be scary. It can take over your life, but you do not have to let it. You do not need to let anxiety take over your child's life either. Do not let yourself or your child live in an anxiety-driven world. You can both stand up to anxiety, but it is up to you to be willing to take on the challenge. Be better, do better, feel better.

