So, the audience of this channel has historically
contained similar amounts of man and woman
viewers, maybe skewing a little bit toward
the man side.
However, after the success of my Sam Harris
video, there are a lot more dudes here now.
And considering the types of dudes that are
usually interested in Sam Harris and his cohorts,
I’m gonna guess that it’s mostly straight
dudes.
Hi I’m T1J!
[WEIRD VOICE:] Follow me!
So uh, this video is sponsored.
Am I real YouTuber yet?
But for real, big shoutouts to JORD Watches
for sponsoring this video.
Yeah that’s how it’s pronounced ("Yode").
JORD makes these awesome hand-crafted wooden
watches, they’re made from sustainable and
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even kind enough to send me one, and I love
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JORD also wants to hook one of you guys up,
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Also for the next two weeks, anyone can simply
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So please check that out, links in the description
and thanks again to JORD for sponsoring.
Now a lot of you may not know, but my channel
used to be specifically targeted towards straight
men.
I used to make a lot of videos attempting
to inspire young men to be more confident
and ethical in their romantic and sexual relationships.
In fact one of the videos that I’m probably
most associated with, the one that basically
put me on the map is a perfect example of
that.
Don’t watch that video, by the way, it’s
old and bad and I kinda hate it now.
These days, there are a few people out there
giving good, non-toxic sex and relationship
advice to men, from the perspective of a man.
Shoutouts to Dr. Nerdlove!
But I feel like this is a genre that is sorely
lacking overall.
Which could be part of the reason why so many
men just don’t know how to ack.
Straight men are essentially brought up under
the implication that women are prizes to be
won, and that we’re entitled to that prize
for some reason.
And this sounds pretty bad, but it’s not
even consciously malicious most of the time.
I just think that we succumb to what I like
to call “straight dude logic.”
Like in The Office when Michael advises Jim
not to give up on Pam even though she’s
engaged.
[JIM:] She's engaged.
[MICHAEL:] Pfft!
BFD.
Engaged ain't married.
That’s terrible advice!
You’re just emotionally manipulating someone
and complicating their life.
Or like on Friends, when Joey falls in love
with Rachel, and Ross totally freaks out.
Even though Ross has a girlfriend at this
point, and hasn’t been with Rachel for literally
like 5 seasons.
[JOEY:] Come on Ross!
Hey Ross, don't--
[ROSS:] I-I-just, you know, I just have one
-- Rachel!!?
As usual I tend to think in terms of old sitcoms.
forgive me.
And I understand that these are fictional
stories, but we internalize and accept things
like this our culture.
Both Jim and Ross eventually get their respective
girl in spite of these feelings of entitlement,
as well as their obvious mediocrity…
and as viewers we’re okay with it!
We rooted for them.
We’re all like, “oh my god she got off
the plane!”
If I’m being serious I always get a little
choked up when Rachel gets off the plane.
[RACHEL:] I got off the plane.
(audience cheers)
But I digress!
This is sort of the attitude we’ve been
taught as men.
'We deserve romance, we deserve sex,' oftentimes
we even feel like we get to pick whom we deserve
it from; regardless of how shit we are at
being humans, we still somehow are entitled
to romantic and sexual attention.
So if we’re not getting that, something
must be wrong, either with the women in question,
or society as a whole!
And if you take ideas like that to the extreme,
that’s how you end up with toxic communities
like Pick Up Artists and Incels.
But like I said, there’s not a whole lot
of voices who are talking to men to about
these things in a way that’s both constructive
and accessible.
Or at least if they exist, I’m unaware of
them; feel free to enlighten me.
Now of course there is no shortage of people
yelling at straight men on the internet.
And this can be an effective way to get people
to be thoughtful about their ideas and behavior.
It just depends on the person.
But I think that usually this yelling is retributive
rather rehabilitative.
And even it weren’t, I’ve come to believe
that shaming and ridiculing people generally
fails to makes them want to change.
In fact I think it often makes them more steadfast
in their convictions.
And on top of that usually the people yelling
aren’t also straight men.
Which makes sense, because straight men don’t
usually have to deal with the consequences
of the problematic behavior of other straight
men, while other groups of people, particularly
women do.
But this is unfortunate, because it’s easier
to get through to someone if you know what
they’ve been through and can empathize with
their point of view.
Now I am not an expert on any subject much
less sex and relationships, but to all of
my friends out there who are straight men,
let’s talk for second.
And this isn’t exclusive to straight men,
and also it doesn’t apply to all straight
men, #notallmen…(sigh)
Do I really have to say that?
Yeah this is the internet I guess I do.
But these are lesson that I personally had
to learn, so hopefully it will get some of
you thinking.
So when a woman is overtly sexual, it’s
usually seen by most people as pretty remarkable
and unusual, whether in a good or bad way.
And if we're being honest, it's often bad
way.
But with men, society doesn’t usually punish
or even notice us for being openly sexual.
Not all guys are like that, but in my experience
men are much more likely than women to openly,
in public ,discuss sex, and who they think
is hot and who they wanna fuck.
Or make sexual jokes, or discuss the features
of their own genitals loudly at a Mexican
restaurant in the booth right behind me.
Like, really?!
I have no doubt that women are probably as
likely to have sexual thoughts as men are,
but they also seem much more likely to keep
it to themselves, or keep it among their trusted
circle.
But I get it, I’m very sexual myself, and
I’m very sex positive and open about sex.
But I think the fact that there is rarely
any social punishment for me being like that
has a lot to do with it.
I think that it is a good thing for people
to be more open and communicative about sex.
But this is a hard thing to achieve because
of the way that straight men tend to grow
up thinking about sex and relationships with
women.
And I’m not immune to this.
Whenever I see like a photo on social media
of a woman that I think is really attractive.
My brain briefly has to muscle through a maze
of “straight dude logic”.
My brain's all like,
“Dude, she’s hot.
Well I obviously gotta say something, girls
like being told they’re pretty, right?
Girls like being told that you want to (bleep),
right?
But you gotta be smooth so as to differentiate
yourself from the hundred other guys in this
thread.
Maybe you should send a private message.
Maybe if you’re extra charming, she might
ask you to come over right now!”
This is obviously absurd, but I think a lot
of very sexual people have to process through
this kind of horny mentality.
But many people seem to get stuck there, and
end up giving in to these ridiculous urges.
If you ever looked at the comment sections
on some women’s photos, you’ll understand
what I mean.
And in fact when I was much younger, I often
gave into these stupid urges and found myself
doing and saying ridiculous creepy shit all
the time.
Now sometimes dudes are completely inappropriate
and obviously out of line, but it’s not
always like that.
Sometimes people give genuine compliments
in a relatively civil way.
And sometimes people are okay with that, but
sometimes they aren’t.
And I don’t think that women or anyone is
required to graciously accept unsolicited
flirtation or sexual advances.
And to be honest, on a surface level I think
that most people actually understand that
unwanted advances are undesirable, even if
they are technically civil.
Because I mean think about if and when it
happens to you.
Kinda awkward and annoying right?
And for many women there is an added layer
of the threat of violence upon handing out
rejection.
Probably most dudes won’t get violent, but
if one decides to, there is often not much
a woman can do to defend themselves.
So just imagine having that in the back of
your head, while some stranger is telling
you you’re beautiful.
This is why I think men have to think more
carefully about how they are making women
feel in these situations.
But when we get deep into our feelings and
urges, we often don't consider how someone
else might be feeling.
If we get rejected or ignored we often feel
like something unfair has happened to us,
even though that makes no sense, because we’re
not entitled to other people’s affection,
no matter how nice or accommodating we are
to them.
Just like I said in that video I told you
not to watch.
[T1J]: Dude this is not a fucking transaction
where you walk to the cashier and pull out
your "nice bucks" and buy sex and romance!
So when disgruntled women are tweeting about
how straight men are trash, it can come off
as implying that having sexual or lustful
urges is a bad thing.
And that men can’t truly be allies to the
plight of women unless we somehow get rid
of these cravings.
Of course I don’t think that’s the case,
but here’s the thing.
We are human beings.
And one of the useful things about being a
human is our capacity to change and control
our behavior in spite of our impulses.
If you’re a good person, you should value
the safety, comfort, and happiness of the
people you interact with more than you value--maybe
getting sex?
But here’s the pill that might be hard to
swallow.
Maybe a swallowing metaphor is the not the
best for this particular video?
But It’s very possible and frankly probable
that men who aggressively pursue sex, likely
receive it frequently.
I mean after a certain point it’s just playing
the odds.
But in pursuit of that there are dozens, if
not hundreds of frightened, creeped out women
left in their wake.
Unfortunately, I know this from experience.
And even among the ones who agreed to it,
how many of those women felt pressured into
it.
How many gave in to avoid a fight?
And I’m not even going to get into how some
men seem to not understand what actually constitutes
consent in the first place.
Guys often tie some measure of personal value
to their sexual success with women.
That’s why go-to insults for straight men
sometimes include calling them gay, or making
fun of their inability to find or keep a partner.
[2 PAC]: ♫You claim to be a playa but I
fucked your wife!♫
And don’t get me wrong, sex is fucking dope,
and I personally think you should have as
much consensual sex as you want.
But it’s not something to derive any fraction
of your self worth from.
It’s not the point of being alive.
It’s not even necessarily the point of forming
relationships.
It’s clearly not so important that you should
neglect to consider someone else’s comfort
and well-being in pursuit of it.
As I see people do very often.
Usually straight guys.
I’ve been known to say stuff like, “it’s
not that hard to be respectful, or to not
be creepy” but I don't know, maybe for some
people it is.
Maybe a lot of men struggle with finding a
way to express their sexuality in a way that
doesn’t ruin other people’s days/lives.
So as with anything that’s hard to do, I
would suggest practice.
Literally practice not being creepy.
When you’re presented with an opportunity
to make a decision based on “straight dude
logic”, instead just don’t.
Try to always be mindful about what you're
doing and what you're saying.
Think about how the other person might feel.
Even if nothing bad directly happens as a
result of your behavior, it’s still not
a good look, you look foolish, and it will
probably damage your reputation.
Girls talk.
The mere fact that you are attracted to someone
does not entitle you to their attention.
This sounds pretty obvious, but you’d be
surprised at how many people have not truly
internalized that.
And I’m not saying you can’t talk to women,
or you can’t flirt with people, or ask people
out.
But there’s a time and a place, and also
respectful ways of doing it.
Like DMing random women you don’t know is
probably not gonna get you anywhere You look
foolish.
Maybe wait until you match someone on Tinder
for example, it’s a more suitable context.
But even then maybe don’t tell the person
that you wanna (bleep) within the first few
messages.
Also, and this is probably the most important
part, you have to respect their right to say
no if that’s what they decide.
I think sometimes in these political, social
justice, #MeToo type conversations, people
in positions of privilege, like straight people
and men, may sometimes feel like in order
to be perceived an ally or non-problematic,
they must live up to some impossible standard
of perfection.
And I guess if you spend too much time on
Twitter I can see why you might think that.
Please, look away from the timeline every
now and then.
I promise in the real world there are people
who aren’t lunatics.
As a straight man, I understand where you’re
coming from.
Maybe a lot of you guys out there are immune
to straight dude logic, and those creepy thoughts
never enter your head.
I'm not!
I think publicly expressing sexuality as a
man in a safe and healthy way can be difficult,
and maybe that’s a topic we can talk about
more in the future.
But like most things, I think it boils down
to basic respect and compassion towards other
humans.
Before you give into that straight dude logic,
consider how it might affect someone else.
DAS JUS ME DOE.
What do you think?
Thank you for watching my video.
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Big shoutouts to my existing patrons, and
I will see you all the next video.
Bye.
