But let's move on,
ladies and gentlemen,
to the one thing Paul Ryan
spends more time on
than his biceps-- Obamacare.
Since its very inception,
Paul Ryan has had one goal.
We really have a problem with
the direction of these bills,
and we have offered principled,
alternative bills.
We're going to do
everything we can
to try to repeal and replace
this thing.
The case
for repeal must be matched
with even greater intensity
by a case for replace.
We're also going
to repeal Obamacare
and replace Obamacare
with a better system.
Because we think we owe
the country an alternative.
But most urgent is
to actually repeal
and replace Obamacare.
We have to step in
and repeal and replace
Obamacare.
-(laughter)
-Yes, from Jason Priestley Ryan
-to Bear Grylls Ryan.
-(laughter)
All the way to "Sure,
I love Donald Trump Ryan,"
Obamacare's been his obsession.
He was probably
having nightmares about it,
waking up like,
"Aah! Repeal and replace!
Repeal and replace Obamacare."
And then he turns
to his wife and be like,
"Oh, honey, I had
the most horrible dream."
But then he turns,
and her head is also Obamacare!
-♪ Da, da, dun! ♪
-(laughter)
So... after seven years
of fighting to replace Obamacare
with a GOP plan,
Ryan's moment has finally come.
House, Senate, White House--
all Republican.
-So now, without further ado...
-(drumroll)
...after so many years that
I can only assume were spent
crafting the world's greatest
healthcare plan in history,
let's hear what
the American public has won!
-♪ ♪
-Breaking news.
House Republicans
just unveiling their bill.
Ten million Americans could lose
coverage under this new plan.
The proposal destabilizes
insurance markets.
It will. You'll see
that premiums will go up.
(laughter)
-(fanfare)
-(laughter)
No.
-(cheering)
-N-No, no, no.
-No. Forget the balloons.
-Yeah!
-Forget the balloons. No.
-Yeah!
-Yeah! Yeah!
-Oh, no. No, no, Jordan, no.
-What?
-No, it's... it's cancelled.
It's not mission accomplished.
-What?
-Sorry, man.
Could I keep this? I will...
I want to hold it up after sex.
-(laughter)
-Uh, whatev-whatever.
Sweet.
(chuckles)
Honey, put on the Bjorn.
-(laughter)
-You said...
Anyway...
But really, Paul Ryan?
Millions of people
losing health insurance,
premiums going up?
This is the crap you've
been hyping for seven years?
Seven years,
and this is what they bring.
That's like waiting three hours
for a pizza delivery,
and then when you open the box
the delivery guy's got
his (bleep) in the middle of it.
I mean, yeah,
don't get me wrong,
you're still gonna eat around
the penis because it's pizza,
but it's not ideal,
is what I'm saying.
And-and you know what, there's
a lot to unpack in this bill,
because it's complicated.
But there's a simple metric
that anyone can understand:
who wins and who loses.
Winners right now are the young,
uh, because they get
this great subsidy
and they're generally healthy;
uh, wealthy people,
who are seeing
their taxes go down
as it relates to healthcare;
and health insurers,
who are benefiting from this.
Here are the losers,
as we look at it.
(laughter)
First of all, out of context,
that graphic is just mean.
That is just mean.
And-and second,
I'm not a medical expert,
but I feel like...
if one of the losers
of your healthcare plan
is sick people...
-(laughter)
-you done (bleep) up.
(whooping, applause)
I'm just gonna say.
Now... now, to be fair,
to be fair,
this plan would give subsidies
to people in the middle class
who didn't get them
under Obamacare, right?
But it pays for that
partly by forcing
four to six million poor people
off of Medicaid.
And if you're saying, "Well,
there's only so much money
to go around,"
then why does this plan
also give a massive tax cut
to rich people,
who are now
also gonna be saying,
"There is so much money
to go around!"
Look, we can't act surprised
that a Republican plan
is gonna screw over poor people.
In fact, by now you've obviously
all seen Representative Chaffetz
on TV--
you've all seen that clip.
You know, where he was like,
"Maybe poor people need
to stop wasting their money
on iPhones."
Yeah, as if people
were in hospitals going,
"Mm, chemo or Candy Crush?
Mm..."
But okay, Republicans,
since you are so good
at managing your money,
why don't you tell us how you're
gonna pay for all of this?
There's no price tag.
-The CBO has not
marked this yet. -Right.
-Right. -We have no idea
what it's gonna cost.
Oh...
-(laughter) -They can't
figure out the big numbers?
If only you had spent your money
on the iPhone,
you could have used
the calculator app on it.
-(applause)
-See what happened there?
(cheering, whistling)
Now... obviously,
Democrats are against the plan,
mostly because Obamacare is
the only thing that reminds them
of the good times, you know?
It's like,
"Mmm, still smells like him."
(laughter)
But the real surprise
is that some Republicans
are even more against it.
Because for them,
this healthcare plan
still has
too much healthcare in it.
Conservative Republicans
don't like the proposal,
because it's too similar
to Obamacare.
NEWSMAN: Conservative leaders
 are refusing to sign on,
 saying the new bill
 is Obamacare Light.
The house bill
that has been put forward
is Obamacare Light--
it won't work.
-This bill has real problems.
-We've got to do better...
This is not the repeal bill
that we've been waiting for
for all these years.
Aw, man, there's nothing worse
than seeing a sad Republican.
(laughter)
It's like they found out
Santa was real...
but he's Mexican.
-(laughter)
-Mm...
(applause, whooping)
So...
Democrats, Republicans,
poor people,
everyone hates this thing.
 Except over at Donald Trump's
White House,
where they're focused on the
bill's most important feature.
One of the things that's
important, Sarah,
is for all of the people who
have concerns about this,
especially on the right,
look at the size.
This is the Democrats,
this is us.
There is-- I mean,
you can't get any clearer
in terms of this is government,
this is not.
(laughter)
I'm sorry, no.
No, I'm sorry.
No, guys.
It feels like now Spicer's
just parodying himself now.
Like, it's like,
he's like, he's like,
"I know what you're gonna do
Melissa McCarthy.
"No! No! If anyone's gonna
make fun of the spice man,
"it's going to be me,
it's gonna be me.
Damn you, Melissa McCarthy.
I'm doing it myself."
(cheering and applause)
What does that even mean?
This whole bill doesn't really
make sense.
It doesn't meet up
to anybody's standards.
And you know who should be
the most upset about this
is President Trump.
Because remember during the
campaign and the transition?
He said everyone would be
covered under his plan.
Premiums would go down,
and care would be better.
He must be so ashamed
of this crappy replacement plan.
I'm proud to support
the replacement plan
released by the
House of Representatives.
It's a complicated process, but
actually, it's very simple.
It's called good healthcare.
"Good healthcare.”
That's the thing I love
about Donald Trump,
he tells it like it is.
