- Fact: Finland doesn't exist.
- Let's talk about that.
(funky electronic music)
(fire crackles)
Good Mythical Morning.
- I'm gonna level with you
right off the bat, Link.
I'm sitting on something huge.
Not literally.
But you're about to be
blown away, literally,
because I'm about to open a
window and let the frosty air
of truth rattle the bones
of the sleeping lemmings,
strewn across the globe,
so comfortably tucked
into their warm sheets of ignorance,
and when you wake, don't
bother wiping the crust
from your eyes because I've
already taken that crust
and I've eaten it and I've liked it!
It's time for another
edition of Hard Truth.
- Yay.
- We've all heard of Finland,
that quaint little country
nestled between Sweden and Russia
with the beautiful northern nights
and the famously low crime rate.
Well there's actually a good reason
that Finland's crime rate is so low.
It's because Finland doesn't exist.
- Finland doesn't exist.
I'm actually interested in this.
What are you going to
present to convince me?
- Link, I need you to
direct attention to my map.
- Okay.
- There's my map.
- Great map, Rhett.
I can see it has Finland on it.
- This is traditionally where
people think that Finland is.
But I'm here to tell
you that it isn't just
that Finland isn't a country.
I'm here to expose the fact that there is
absolutely no land between
Russia and Sweden at all, Link.
That's your Finland right there, boy.
Here's the underlying
truth you need to know.
- Don't call me boy.
You know what, do call me boy.
Just get through with it.
- Man, you want me to call you man?
- Get on with it.
- In the Cold War era,
Japan and the Soviet Union
worked together to spread the
lie that there was a land mass
known as Finland between
the Soviet Union and Sweden.
And you might ask, why did they do this?
- Why did they do this?
- Great question, Link.
They did it so they could
keep all the good fishing
between the Soviet Union
and Sweden to themselves.
The fish would then be shared and shipped
all the way across the
Trans-Siberian Railway.
(metal clatters)
- You broke that.
It was worth it.
- You see Link, they
get the fish from here.
They ship it to Japan on
the Trans-Siberian Railway
and in case that's tough to follow,
I brought a visual aid.
(objects clattering)
Link, you know what those are called?
- Swedish Fish.
- Swedish Fish!
I couldn't find Swedish
slash Russian fish,
which would be called Swussian Fish,
so just so you would remember,
you can feel free to eat those.
- Thank you.
- And speaking of candy,
popular culture would have
you believe that the so-called
Finnish people can't get
enough of a candy known
as salmiakki which is some
sort of super salty licorice.
We've had it on the show before, Link,
why don't you have some more of this?
Have some candy.
- 'Cause I'm already eating this.
- Well it's time to
move on, boy. (chuckles)
Let's enjoy this together, why don't we?
- Puh!
- Mm, mm.
What do you think about that?
- This is absolutely horrible.
- I thought you would say that.
- But the experience has
been great up to this point.
- I thought you might say
that, but you know what,
personally, I love this.
I love it so much that I
could finish the entire bag.
- You could what?
- Finish-- (coughs)
The entire bag, and listen,
I know that's weird.
I know it's weird that I like these.
Nobody liked this stuff so
you expect me to believe
that there's a whole
nation full of nothing
but people like me out there?
Do you know what a country full
of mes would even look like?
Let me tell ya.
For starters, it would
be a land of giants.
And these giants would be
of superior intelligence.
- Okay.
- All of them,
genius giants.
- Oh lord.
- And every genius giant would be assigned
a personal assistant.
A personal assistant that
was a little shorter,
wore glasses, have salt and pepper hair,
and was quite possibly not a genius.
Oh, and everything would be made of wood.
The ground, the mountains, the lakes,
all those little assistants
would stare in amazement
at all the wood and they would say,
"That is some big wood."
Plus, there would be
thousands of prisons filled
with nothing but cats
and the national dish
would be anything because
there would be no picky eaters!
It almost goes without
saying that a perfect nation
like this does not exist.
You got any questions, Link?
- Actually yeah, I have
plenty of questions.
- And you know what, I have the answers
and I don't even need
to hear the questions.
No, the Finnish people
aren't in on the conspiracy.
They think they're from Finland
but they actually live in
eastern Sweden, western Russia,
and northern Estonia.
Other governments around
the world now go along
with the conspiracy
because the idea of Finland
has become a utopian ideal
for every other country
to aspire to.
(whip cracks)
All the GPS and satellite
images are forged.
And finally, why did they
decide to call it Finland?
Well I think we all know
the answer to this one.
(map clatters)
(mysterious electronic music)
Finland.
Foolish ignoramuses
naively living on earth
will never discover our little secret.
I think we can safely
declare this theory is true
and just end the episode now.
Thanks for liking,
commenting and subscribing.
- Um.
(clears throat)
Really?
As much as I would love
for this episode to be over
at this point, I'm not convinced.
I believe in Finland.
- You still think that
Finland is a country?
- Sorry.
- Well have a look at this.
Here's the church, here's the steeple,
open it up and take a
look at this, sheeple.
A simple Twitter search yielded
this from user 4vflower.
The country of Finland doesn't exist.
- Oh, okay, now you're onto it.
- But what else does 4vflower know?
Well right after that tweet,
he or she cryptically tweeted
a rather disturbing
photo, and kids at home,
you're not gonna wanna look at this.
Link, take a look at this.
- [Link] A snowman that
wasn't made properly.
- If you still have an appetite,
well I'm gonna ask you to chew on this.
A simple reverse Google
image search of this dark
and twisted illustration
tells us that it's from
the 2017 Michael Fassbender
thriller The Snowman.
Easel number two.
- We had to invest in a second
easel so he could do this.
- This is the movie
poster for The Snowman.
Direct your attention towards--
- [Link] All right, I'm
looking at it already!
- Mister police, you could have saved her.
I gave you all the clues.
The clues.
The clues!
What clues, 4vflower?
Is what you might ask if I had not
already figured this out for you.
The Snowman is based on the novel
by the same name written by
Jo Nesbo.
- Who?
- Jo Nesbo.
And guess where Jo Nesbo is from.
- Finland.
- No, Norway.
But Nesbo did win a special commendation
for excellence in foreign crime writing
from the Finnish Academy of Crime Writers.
And now, why would a
country that doesn't exist
need an academy of crime writers?
Well, I wanted to find out so I called
this supposed academy in
Finland and this is the answer
that I got.
- You called them?
- Yes.
- [Computer Voice] Announcement.
Welcome to Verizon Wireless.
Long distance or international
dialing is not included
with your service.
To inquire about adding long distance
or international dialing,
hang up and dial *611 send
from your wireless phone.
- The plot thickens, Link.
- You need to change your plan.
- Okay now let me wrap this--
- In every way.
- Let me wrap this
conspiracy theory, nay conspiracy fact up
with a few final pieces
of damning evidence.
You ever seen the
so-called Finnish language?
- I can't say that I have.
- Well Link, when you Google--
- Oh.
- Longest word
in the Finnish language,
this is what comes up.
And I know what you're thinking.
That's not a word, that's the
sound your butt cheeks make
when you go down a water slide naked.
(Link chuckles)
The people behind this fake language say
the word's definition is someone who is
an aeroplane jet turbine
motor assistant mechanic,
a non-commissioned officer in training,
and if you believe that
is an actual profession,
I've got a bridge to sell
you and it's a bridge
that connects Russia with Sweden!
Over the water, that's there.
You remember, there's water there.
There's not a country.
Now, this part is where I
really start to lose my cool
because the powers that be,
the masterminds behind this conspiracy,
they've become so confident
that we'll just believe
whatever fantastical facts
of Finnish fancy they
dream up that frankly,
it's getting insulting.
For instance, am I supposed to
believe this local news story
about Helsinki?
- [Reporter] This recently
opened Burger King
in Helsinki features an in-store spa,
complete with sauna, shower
room, locker room, and lounge.
Customers can sit in the sauna in nothing
but Burger King branded towels and robes
or they can watch TV, play
video games and relax.
- [Reporter] It's Burger
King, not a resort.
- A Burger King with a sauna in it.
This is completely unnecessary.
If you're eating at a Burger King,
you've already got the meat sweats.
Or how about this, Link?
- You're actually starting to make sense.
- When you get a PhD in Finland,
you also get a top hat and a sword.
You know what, this is
shorter than what I'm used to.
(chuckles)
- That's not the top hat I'm used to.
- Hey, look at me!
I'm a Finnish doctor.
I'm gonna cut out your
tonsils with my sword.
By the way, tonsils are also fake,
but that will be a separate episode.
Now finally, what
country would be complete
without an official coat of arms?
Those shady, international
string pullers sat back,
stroked their little
chin hairs and thought
of the perfect way to troll us all
with a perfect subliminal coat of arms.
Check it out, Link.
Actually that's another
poster of Jo Nesbo.
I have a lot of those.
Check out this coat of arms, Link.
- Oh wow.
- The Finnish coat of arms
is comprised of a lion that
appears to be stabbing himself
in the face and laughing.
A lion?
A lyin'?
Hello!
They been lyin' to us since the Cold War
and laughing in our faces about it,
and it's been right there
on their coat of arms
the entire time!
This coat of arms might as
well be a giant middle finger
taking a dump!
Somebody give me some salmiakki.
Oh here it is right next to me.
- I'm inspired by this.
If you know what I mean.
(crew chuckles)
Thanks for liking,
commenting and subscribing.
- You know what time it is.
- I'm Tyler.
- I'm Beth.
- I'm Elena.
- I'm Hudson.
- And this is Rhett.
And we are in Lapland, Finland
at Santa Claus Village.
- [Together] And it's time to
spin the Wheel of Mythicality!
- Mythicality!
- Woo!
- They appear to be in Finland. (chuckles)
(crew laughs)
It's okay, man.
It's okay.
- You didn't name him after me, I know.
It's a common name, it just
happens every once in awhile.
If you wanna watch Ellie
and Christine explain
their conspiracy theory about
Khloe Kardashian's real father
in Good Mythical More, click the top link.
- And to find out where the
Wheel of Mythicality's gonna land.
Wanna watch our Tour of Mythicality?
Suit yourself.
The Tour of Mythicality
special is available now
on YouTube, iTunes,
Amazon, and a wide variety
of platforms including
most cable TV providers.
