

### Teagan's Story:

### Her Battle With Epilepsy

By Talia Jager

Teagan's Story: Her Battle With Epilepsy

Talia Jager

Copyright 2011 by Talia Jager

ISBN 978-0-9836164-1-2 (eBook)

Smashwords Edition

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you.

Acknowledgements

I would like to once again thank my family who understands dinner might be a little late because I'm in the middle of a chapter.

I'd also like to thank my friends who supported me throughout the book: Donise, Laurie, and Leslie.

Cover by Streetlightgraphics.com

For more information on epilepsy visit http://www.epilepsy.com

 http://www.causes.com/causes/187946-charlis-cause-for-infantile-spasm-west-syndrome/

Dedication

This book is dedicated to sweet, beautiful Charli.

May a cure for epilepsy be found soon.
Chapter One

I stood frozen in front of the two-story brick building. My feet felt as if they were stuck to the sidewalk. To me, the building looked enormous from the street. I didn't want to go in, and yet, I knew I had to. I fought back the tears and slowly started walking towards it.

Over the door, in big, white letters it read: NORTHSIDE HIGH SCHOOL. Teenagers swarmed around the door and on the front lawn near a flagpole. The flag flapped in the wind high above their heads.

My mother had sheltered me from all this. Many times I hated her for it. Now, I could only wish this was all a nightmare. Maybe I'd wake up any minute and be back at home with her. But, it didn't happen. I didn't wake up because this was real.

Reaching the front door, I pulled it open. The weight of the door surprised me; I hadn't expected it to be so heavy. I went in and spotted the office to the right, enclosed in glass. I walked through the open door. "Can I help you?" An older lady with obviously dyed, black hair asked.

I swallowed. "Yeah, my name is Teagan Kavanagh. I'm starting here today."

She picked through a pile of folders. "Ah, yes, right here. The guidance counselor has your schedule. Their office is right over there." She pointed across the hall. "Ask for Mrs. Tavi."

"Thank you," I said and stepped back into the hallway. I let out a deep breath. Step one done. Onto step two. I walked into the guidance office. It was much bigger than the main office. A bookcase full of college books took up one entire wall. "I'm here to see Mrs. Tavi." I told the lady at the front desk.

"What's your name, Dear?" she asked, her voice thick with a Spanish accent.

"Teagan Kavanagh."

Her nameplate read: Mrs. Torres. She picked up the phone. "You have a student up in front. You're welcome." She hung up. "She'll be right out."

Seconds later, a lady with light brown hair appeared. "Hello Teagan. Come on back." She led me to her office. The walls were covered with letters from students, some kids' drawings, and pictures of what I assumed were her family. "Please sit down."

"The office told me to pick up my schedule from you," I told her. I really didn't want to talk. But, I had a feeling she wanted me to.

"We're glad to have you here. Of course, we're sorry about the death of your parents," she said, putting on her thin-rimmed glasses and looking over my file. I nodded. "I understand you have been home schooled."

"Yes."

"Because of your epilepsy?" She looked up.

I looked away, my eyes moist. "Yes."

"There's nothing to be ashamed of, Teagan." Her hazel eyes seemed to search my face. "I understand if you don't want to talk about it now," she smiled sweetly.

"It's just hard." I bit my bottom lip.

She patted my hand. "You did well on the placement tests you had to take. You are right where you should be, if not more advanced. Do you have any certain subjects you'd like to take?" she asked, handing me a tissue.

I shrugged. "I'm not really sure. I like most of them."

"Okay. Is there anything you don't like?"

"The boring stuff."

She laughed. "Well, I'm sure every subject can get boring."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Do you have any friends here?"

"A couple. I had friends on the street where... where I used to live."

"Good. It has to be difficult coming here in your junior year."

I nodded. "Yes, Ma'am."

"I hope you can make friends easily and the students here treat you well. If you have any problems, please come see me."

"Thank you."

"Do you have a lot of seizures?"

I nodded, dabbing my eyes. "That's why they kept me home."

"You're on medication, correct?"

"Yes. It helps some, but not enough."

"This worries you, doesn't it?" she asked.

"Sure, I could have one at any time. Nobody here knows me, how are they going to react when I have one? Will I make any friends at all?" I immediately regretted my outburst.

"I'm sure you will. We'll figure it out. I'm going to walk you over to the nurse's office. I want her to meet you. By that time your 'buddy' will be here. She is in some of your classes can take you around and help you out," she told me.

"Okay."

Mrs. Tavi led me out of the office into the crowded hallways. Homeroom would begin soon. A few kids looked at me, probably wondering who I was. I tried to smile or nod or say hi. I didn't know what to say or how to act around all these other kids. The nurse's office wasn't too far. Mrs. Tavi walked in and introduced me, "Mrs. Becker, this is our new student Teagan."

"Yes, yes, of course." She smiled. Her round dark eyes looked me over. "I read the file. You have epilepsy."

"Yes."

"I see that you are on Depakote and Topamax?" she asked, flipping her long, dark hair back.

"Yes."

"How well does that work for you?"

"It doesn't." I had to keep from laughing.

"So you have breakthrough seizures?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Are they grand mal?"

"Usually."

"You also have petit mal episodes?" It was more of a statement than a question.

"Yeah." I nodded getting bored of the questions. "Actually, they usually call them absence seizures and tonic-clonic seizures," I corrected her.

"Right." She nodded, making a note in my file. "How often do they happen?"

I knew she was just doing her job, but I hated answering all this. It was probably a good thing my parents kept me home. I'd go nuts if I had to explain to everybody. Sighing softly, so I wouldn't upset anyone, I answered, "It varies. Sometimes they happen a couple days a week, sometimes I go a couple weeks without one. Sometimes more, sometimes less."

"Wow. The doctors can't do anything?"

"Not really."

"Do you go to the hospital when you have a seizure?"

"Only if they're really long or I hit my head," I told her. "Something requiring medical attention. Otherwise, I just do my thing. I come out of it and go to sleep for a while."

"Okay, well, I will make sure all of your teachers are aware of this. Maybe we'll get lucky and you won't have one while you're here."

Yeah right, I thought.

The bell rang just as Mrs. Tavi and I got back to the guidance office. We went inside. "Ah, Madalyn. Thanks for coming down. This is Teagan, your buddy."

"Hi." She smiled at me. Madalyn's chocolate brown hair was pulled back in a big clip. She wore some makeup, not a lot, but more than just foundation and lipstick. "It's nice to meet you."

"You too." I smiled, hoping she really was nice and wasn't just putting on a show for the guidance counselor.

"Here you go." Mrs. Tavi handed both of us a copy of my schedule. "You'll see that you are in many of the same classes or right near each other."

"Thank you," I said.

"You're welcome. Come on back during your study hall and I'll get you set up with a locker and anything else you need."

I nodded and left with Madalyn. "We're in the same homeroom," she told me. "Then we have first period, English together and a couple other classes. Homeroom is this way," she led the way. "Where are you from?" she asked.

"Here." I didn't want to totally make stuff up.

"But, you didn't come to this school?"

"No, I went elsewhere," I said.

She looked at me like she was expecting more, but then she looked down the hall. "It's the second room from the end."

We continued walking. 'Thanks, Madalyn."

"You can call me, Maddie," she said. "Teagan is a unique name."

"Yeah, it's a family name. My parents are from Ireland."

"Oh yeah? Like they immigrated?"

I nodded. "Yeah. My brother and I were born here, but the rest of my family is in Ireland."

"That's neat." She smiled. "Here we are."

I took a deep breath and walked into the room. Here goes nothing. Please God, please don't let me have a seizure today, I pleaded. Maddie walked up to the teacher. He was very tall with grey hair and a short beard. "Yes, Miss Kembel?"

"This is Teagan Kavanagh. She's new here."

"Oh! Welcome Miss Kavanagh. There are a few empty desks in the back row. Pick one," he said, motioning to the back.

"Thanks." I hurried past the kids who were staring at me and sat down. Maddie sat down in the second row and started talking to some girls near her. Even though many people were looking at me, nobody said anything. I didn't mind. I didn't know how to answer their questions. I didn't want anyone to think I was weird quite yet. I knew it would happen eventually. Once I had an episode in school, people would know.

The principal came on the loudspeaker and asked us to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance. After the morning announcements, the teacher took attendance, and the bell rang.

Maddie walked over to me and said, "English is just down the hall." I nodded following her out. "The teacher is really great."

We walked in the room. The desks were arranged in a half circle with the teacher's desk at the mouth of the circle. Maddie walked up to the teacher who was sitting at her desk. "Mrs. McGee?"

She looked up. Her face was smooth, her lips thin, and her eyes sparkled. "Good morning, Maddie. How can I help you?"

"This is Teagan Kavanagh, she's new to the school," she introduced me.

Mrs. McGee shifted her attention to me. "Well, hello. It's nice to have you here. Do you enjoy English?"

I nodded. "Yes, Ma'am."

She smiled. "Please, call me Mrs. McGee. Ma'am sounds so old."

I nodded. "Okay."

Her long brown hair fell over her shoulders as she looked down. "I have a couple extra desks. We can put one at either end of the row. Do you have a preference?"

"No. Either one will be fine."

"Okay." She got up and pulled over a desk into the half circle. "There you go. Let me get you a text book."

I sat down at the desk. Maddie sat at hers as more kids dwindled in. She was only two down from me. "You have math next with Mr. Adams. He's okay, but he's tough. I'm next to you in a different class. Then we'll be in the same computer class, lunch and study hall," she told me.

I smiled. "Great!" I tried to sound enthusiastic when I really just wanted to go home. Just to curl up on the couch sounded like a dream.

The bell rang and more kids flew into class. Mrs. McGee looked up. "Be on time tomorrow!" she warned them. "Here you go, Teagan. Write your name in it and cover it please."

I nodded. "Thanks."

I saw the people looking at me. "We have a new student in class. This is Teagan. Please make her feel welcome," Mrs. McGee said. I smiled again trying to show I was normal.

English class was good. They were going over a book they had just finished reading and the teacher assigned a new one. She also gave out spelling lists and vocabulary words. "The test is Friday, study them. Next Monday, you will have the test on the first five chapters of the book."

When the bell rang, Mrs. McGee dismissed the class. "Teagan, could I speak with you a moment please?"

"Sure." I got up.

"I'll wait for you outside," Maddie said.

"Thanks."

I went up to the teacher's desk. "I got a memo about you." She smiled. "I didn't want to say anything in front of Maddie or anyone else. You've been home schooled for up until now?"

"Yes."

"Usually the school doesn't tell the teachers the medical problems of their students unless it's extremely important. In your case it was very important for all of us to know. I understand you often have seizures?"

"Yeah." I nodded.

"It says you have both absence seizures as well as tonic-clonic?"

"Mhmm." I was thankful someone knew at least some of what they were talking about.

"If you miss something in class, please let me know, I will go over it with you."

"Thank you."

"My sister has epilepsy. Hers is controlled though. I don't think she's had any episodes in years."

"I wish that would happen with me." I sighed.

She nodded understandingly. "I'll let you go now. You should make sure all of your teachers read the memo and know what's going on. If you have an episode in class, not all of us will notice, so you may have to come on up later on and tell us."

"That's really great of you. I appreciate it." I smiled.

"Go on now." She looked back down at her books.

I met up with Maddie in the hall. "What was that about?" she asked.

I shrugged. "Just a couple getting to know you questions."

"Hey Maddie." A hot looking guy smiled at her.

"Hey," she said back. We had to go upstairs for the next class, math. Math didn't thrill me. I could do it, but I didn't like it. Maddie said hi to some more people on our way. More people looked at me, but nobody said anything. Maybe they all knew about my illness. Maybe that's why nobody would talk to me. No, I dismissed that idea. The school could get in trouble if they released that information to the students.

"Here's your class." She stopped at a door. "Mine is right there." She pointed next door. "I'll see you afterwards."

I went into the class and introduced myself. Mr. Harmon was an older man. The wrinkles covering his forehead made him look stern, but he was nice enough to find me a seat and give me a book. "I hope you can get your place and keep up with us," he said.

I nodded. "Sir, did you get the memo about me?" I asked quietly as kids were starting to come in.

"Yes, but no excuses in this class. You do the work or you fail."

"Of course. I just meant that if I have an episode here in class... could I come to you afterwards and see what I missed?" I tried to ask it like Mrs. McGee had put it.

He looked up at me. "Well, I suppose if that was necessary..." The bell rang. "Please take your seat."

I nodded and sat down. A girl with dark black hair sat next to me, "Hey."

I smiled. "Hey."

"You new?" she asked.

"Yup," I said back.

"Tough to be thrown in here."

I nodded. "Yeah." She had black fingernail polish on and a lot of dark make-up. Her clothes were black too. My mother would have called her a "Goth girl". She seemed friendly though. "How is this class?" I asked.

"Boring. Harmon picks on me all the time because of the way I look. He doesn't think I'm smart. I always get him though, because I answer correctly and that makes him mad," she told me with a smirk on her face.

I laughed. "I'm Teagan," I introduced myself.

She scoffed. "Cute. I'm Eve."

The teacher started class. He did go fast, but the work wasn't as hard as he made it out to be. He did call on me a couple times and I answered his questions. He seemed quietly impressed.

Afterwards, Maddie met me in the hallway. "How did it go?"

"Not bad. Where to?" I asked.

"Back downstairs and to the other wing. This is a longer walk," she told me. "Are you starting to figure out where everything is?"

"A little. It shouldn't take me too long."

"So, were you into any clubs at your old school?" she asked.

"Um... no. I used to take music lessons, but I stopped. I didn't really get a chance to get into anything else," I told her.

"Well, if you want to get involved, I'm sure there are clubs that would like to have you."

"I don't think I'm real talented at anything," I said. I had so many other issues to deal with that, taking on a hobby, joining a club, those weren't in the plans.

"Well, just in case."

"Thanks."
Chapter Two

Computer class was pretty easy. I knew my way around a computer. The teacher was very nice. She had blonde hair and bright blue eyes. After class, she walked up to me, "Welcome Teagan. That is such a great name."

"Thank you, Ms. Nerick," I responded.

"If you need anything, let me know," she said. "Anything."

I knew what she was getting at. I nodded. "I will, thank you."

Maddie led me to study hall. "Mr. Ping, this is Teagan Kavanagh, she's new here. Mrs. Tavi wanted to see her during study hall today."

"Ah, yes. That's fine, you both may go," he said, stroking his long, dark beard.

"Okay, thanks."

We left. "He seems a little strange," I commented.

"He is. Nobody knows why." She laughed.

We walked into the guidance office and Mrs. Tavi came right out. "Hi girls, how are things going?"

"Good," Maddie said.

"Are you doing okay, Teagan?"

I nodded. "Yes. Maddie has been a great help."

"Good. Maddie if you want to sit in the front and do your work. I'm going to take Teagan to her locker."

"Sure thing." She sat down.

"Let's go." Mrs. Tavi led me out of the office. "Everything really okay?" she asked.

"Yeah, it's just weird. Being at a real school, knowing I have a time bomb inside me waiting to go off," I sighed. "It's very scary."

"I'm so sorry," she patted me on the shoulder. "This is it," she showed me a locker. "Here's the combination." I took it and tried it out. It was a full size locker and clean, but needed to be decorated.

"Thank you."

"Have you given any thought to what you want to do after high school?" she asked.

"Sure, but I haven't decided," I said. "I don't know that I could hold down a job, a normal one anyway."

"Well, I guess that's what we'll work on before you graduate."

We walked back to the office and Maddie took me to our next class. We had Social Studies right before lunch. After the class, Maddie showed me where the cafeteria was. "Would you like to sit with me?" she asked.

"Um... yeah." I nodded, surprised she asked. Maybe she wasn't just being nice because she had to be my buddy; maybe she was actually a nice person, someone I could be friends with. She doesn't know anything about me, I reminded myself, and she'll run when she does. I joined her after I got my lunch.

"Teagan, this is Hope and Lynn," Maddie introduced them.

"Hi Teagan, welcome to our school." Hope smiled and fixed a bright yellow headband in her shoulder length dark hair. "Do you like it so far?"

"S'ok," I responded.

Lynn wiped her mouth with her napkin. "Pretty dull here, nothing much happens. Where did you come from?"

"Nearby."

"Oh. Why did you change schools?" she asked.

I sighed. "I moved into this district."

She ran her hand through her long blonde hair. "Hard to move so late in school."

I nodded, and answered, "Sure is", for the fiftieth time today.

* * *

I had three classes left: Science, Gym, and Spanish. I enjoyed science. The teacher was a little wacky. She liked experiments a little too much. She was tall and had auburn hair, a little darker than mine. She made class interesting and therefore easy to get through.

Gym class was different. The coach pulled me aside in the beginning of class asking me what I could or couldn't do. He seemed to have a hard time understanding that I could do everything. There was just a possibility I could have a seizure at any point. He kept rubbing his bald head like he was nervous about having me in his class.

Finally, he let me go get changed and had us jog around the gym a few times. Spanish was my last class of the day. The teacher was very good at speaking it. She was very kind and went easy on me. She seemed surprised when she realized that I knew what she was saying.

The final bell rang at two o'clock. I sighed in relief. Now, all I had to do was get home and I would have gotten through the school day without an episode.

I went to my locker and put the books I didn't need in it. Then I put the rest in my backpack. "Hey, Teagan," Maddie called.

I looked up. "Yeah?"

"It was nice being your buddy. If you need anything, find me," she said.

I smiled. "Thanks. I appreciate it." She smiled and ran off.

I walked outside the doors. A hand was waving at me. "Teagan!"

I smiled and walked to the silver Honda CRV. I opened the passenger side door and got in. "Hey."

My brother sat in the driver seat. He had red hair and green eyes like me. He was taller and a little heavier, but that was just muscle. At least that's what he said. "Hey, how was it?" he asked, starting the car.

"Okay." I shrugged.

"Okay?" He laughed. "First time you've ever gone to school and it's just okay?"

"Connor!" I hit him on the shoulder. "You want all the silly details? It wasn't great, but it didn't suck. It's weird."

"I'm sorry you have to go." He started driving.

"It's okay." I looked out the window.

"Did you have any episodes?" he asked.

"No, well, none that I know of anyway." I scoffed.

"Good."

We drove back to the house. "Thanks for picking me up," I said, getting out of the car.

"Of course."

Inside I started on my homework right away. I decided to just do it and get it out of the way. Afterwards, I curled up on the couch and watched a soap opera. My brother and his wife had just bought this cute little house a few months ago. It was three bedrooms, but it was small. It was a perfect starter house. Connor liked to fix things up and Kate liked to decorate.

I picked up their wedding picture that was sitting on the end table next to me. They made such a great couple. They had gotten married a year ago at the age of twenty-one. My parents had been thrilled. Connor and Kate had dated for years and my parents approved. Kate was from a nice Irish Catholic family in town. They looked perfect together, their Irish features standing out in the picture.

It was a family picture. Mom, Dad, Kate's parents, her brother and me all stood in a group on the church stairs. My eyes filled with tears. I missed them so much. "You okay?"

I looked up. Connor was standing there. "Yeah. I just... miss them." I wiped my tears away.

He sat down. "I do too." He put his arm around me. "But, remembering them helps."

"I know, but it hurts too." He held me while I cried. Our parents had died two months ago in a car crash. They were coming home from an evening out celebrating their twenty-fifth anniversary when some idiot, who had been out drinking, plowed right into them.

Since all of our grandparents, aunts, and uncles lived in Ireland, Connor was the only one here I could stay with. It was that or foster care. Connor wouldn't hear of that. He and Kate took custody of me even though they were newlyweds and had just bought the house, they didn't think twice.

The big difference was that I had to go to public school. Mom and Dad had kept me home, but that wasn't an option anymore. Both Connor and Kate worked. And neither one was a teacher like Mom.

Even at sixteen, I wasn't allowed to drive. I might never even have a driver's license. That's one of the pitfalls of epilepsy. They promised that one of them would pick me up after school and of course, either one could come get me during the day if needed. It was hard to be dependent on them. They were a young couple just starting out and here I was, the kid sister, being a burden on them.

Kate was like an older sister. She had been around so long, I just expected her to always be there. My seizures didn't bother her anymore. When she first started dating Connor, she'd get a little freaked out by them. But, after a few months, she found it normal. She knew what to do now. It was still embarrassing to have them no matter whom they were in front of.

Kate got home right before dinnertime and we all helped cook. "Did you make some friends today, Teagan?" she asked.

I nodded. "I guess I started to."

"I'm so sorry you had to go. It must be really hard trying to start over in eleventh grade."

"It's okay," I said. I didn't want to lie any of my worries on them.

"How were the classes?" she asked.

"Easy. Mom taught me well. The teachers all seem nice too," I answered.

"Did they pull you aside to talk to you?"

"Yeah, most of them."

"Do you think you want to talk to your classmates before you have a seizure or just see what happens?"

"I don't know. I don't want to say anything, but then again, I don't want it to happen and have nobody know about it. It's scary either way." I pushed my hair behind my ear.

"Teagan?" Connor said.

I looked over at him. "Yeah?"

"You back?"

"Did I go?" I asked, realizing my hand was still up by my ear.

He nodded. "Yeah."

I sighed. "Well, at least it didn't happen at school."

"It really is amazing how it happens and you don't even know," he said.

"It's probably a good thing I don't know. It might freak me out." I finished eating and then helped clean up. "I'm going to get online before bed." I said and headed to my room.

"Let us know if you need anything," Kate said.

"I will." I smiled and went to my room.

The room was small, but cozy. It had pretty pink curtains and a flower wallpaper border. I had brought my bedroom furniture from my parents' house. I sat down at my desk and opened my laptop. My parents had purchased a really good one and had to set the refresh rate for the monitor higher so it wouldn't provoke a seizure.

I got online through the wireless hookup in the house and went to some of the epilepsy forums. Over the weekend, I had posted a question about what to do at school. Should I tell my classmates before having a seizure? Most of the responses said yes. Many of them suggested having the nurse come into the room and explain epilepsy.

The board was a great one for kids like me. They had a special section geared towards teenagers with epilepsy. This was one way I felt connected to the world while being home schooled. There were all kinds of school related stories posted. Some talked about how they were made fun of and then there were the good stories where the other kids helped.

In my email, I found a new one from Zander. I opened it. "Hey Teagan, hope your first day in school went good. I'm here for you if you need to talk. Love, Zander." I smiled. I had met Zander on the epilepsy forum a couple years ago. He was a year older than me and had been diagnosed with simple partial seizures.

We had a lot in common. I really liked him, but I had never met him. He lived about 500 miles away and neither of us could drive, so meeting wasn't really an option. I often dreamed of him being closer. I was sure we would hit it off. We understood each other on a level nobody else ever would.

I wrote him back. "Zander, My day was okay. I had a little episode at home. I'm so thankful I didn't have one at school today. It was weird being in a real school. It's way out of my comfort zone. Thanks for asking. How was everything there? Love, Teagan."

After shutting down, I told Connor and Kate I was going to bed. I fell asleep real fast.
Chapter Three

My alarm went off. I smacked the clock a few times until I got the snooze button. Groaning, I forced my body out of bed. I hated getting up for school. Just another thing that I had to get used to. Mom used to let me sleep in until about eight. But, school started at 7:30, which meant I had to be up by six. I had to make sure to go to bed earlier at night now. Too little sleep would cause more seizures.

I got up and grabbed my clothes. I threw them in the bathroom and went to the kitchen. Kate was eating a bowl of cereal. "I'm going to take my shower," I told her.

"Okay," she mumbled.

Connor and Kate had followed the same rules Mom and Dad had. One was to never take a shower or bath without someone in the house knowing. I had a seizure in the shower a few years ago. I ended up falling out, bringing the shower curtain rod down on me and breaking my arm. From then on, I had to shower with the door open and put towels on the floor around the tub in case it happened again.

They also brought the baby monitor from my house and set it up in the bathroom. Usually, when I had a big seizure, I let out a cry right before hand. If they heard that, they could come running and make sure I didn't hurt myself.

There were so many rules. All of them were for my safety. All of them were a necessity. Even though, they were usually a hassle, I never complained. I knew they were needed.

After my shower, I brushed my long red hair. Deciding to put it up, I dug around in the drawer for a black clip. I twisted my hair, and then folding it up I put the clip on. I didn't use a lot of make-up. My eyes were a bright green and stood out without any eye shadow. I did put on a bit of blush and lipstick to add color to my pale face.

Once I was done in the bathroom, I went to the kitchen and took my medicine. I sat down at the table and poured myself a bowl of cereal. Connor was eating his. Cereal was usually what we ate for breakfast. We all liked it and nobody had time to cook.

The worst part of seizures was not knowing when they are going to happen or sometimes if they even did. With a big one, I knew because I'd be on the floor or somewhere with people around me. But, with the absence seizures I didn't know unless I realized I missed something.

I was putting my books in my backpack and I heard Connor and Kate talking in the kitchen. When I looked up again, they were right there near me. "Did you hear me?" Connor asked.

I shook my head. "No." I knew at that point that I had just had an episode.

He smiled, but didn't say anything if he noticed. "Are you ready to go?"

I looked down and realized I still had a book in my hand. I put it in the backpack and nodded. "Yup."

Kate smiled and hugged me. "Have a good day."

"Thanks."

Connor talked on the way to school. "You seem a little off today."

"Having a seizure in the morning isn't a good way to start the day."

"Do you want to stay home?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Nah." I wanted to, but if I did, I'd probably never go back. "I think I will have them set up something to talk about epilepsy though."

He nodded. "I think that's a good idea." He dropped me off in front of the school. "Kate will probably be picking you up." I nodded. "Got your cell phone?"

"Yeah." I got out of the car and patted the pocket where my iPhone stayed all day. "Thanks." I turned and faced the school again.

"Hey Teagan!" someone shouted. I looked over. Mandi was sprinting over to me. "I was absent yesterday. How was your first day?" Mandi asked.

"It was okay." I smiled. "Glad you're here." Mandi had lived four houses down from my parents. We were childhood friends. Not quite best friends probably because we didn't go to school together, but we were good friends. Mandi knew about the seizures, she had seen them first hand.

"I bet. How's living with your brother?"

"Good. I just feel bad, you know. He's so young; he doesn't need me there to ruin things."

"Teagan! You know Connor loves you so much, you could never ruin things for him."

"I still feel bad. They should be enjoying their own life, not taking care of me." I sighed. "Sometimes I want to blame my parents for this. I know that's not right. I just get so upset about everything."

"That's normal. Does the school know about your seizures?"

"The teachers do. Wasn't until last night that I decided to let all the other kids here know. I don't want ambulances called and people screaming in terror if I drop to the floor."

She nodded. "Yeah." We started walking into the school. "So, let me see your schedule." I showed it to her. "Oh, hey, we have a couple classes together. English and social studies."

"Cool." It would be good to have someone I knew nearby. "I'm going to tell Mrs. Tavi that I want to do the informational session."

"Okay, want me to come?"

I hesitated. "Sure." I didn't want to ruin whatever she had going on in the mornings, but it would be nice to have a friend. I asked to see Mrs. Tavi. She came right out and brought us back to her office.

I introduced her to Mandi. "I wanted to let you know that I've decided to go ahead and have some sort of assembly. Maybe the nurse can come and talk to the kids, let them know what epilepsy is and what to do. Maybe the kids won't be as shocked when it happens."

"Okay. I've talked to the doctor that is on staff with the school. He's willing to come in and talk about it. He even has a little video he can show. He wanted to meet with you first if that's okay."

I nodded. "Sure. Set it up."

Mandi walked me down to homeroom. "Well, I'm off. I'll see you in a few minutes."

I nodded. "Thanks."

I saw Maddie coming down the hall. "Hi Teagan. What's up?"

"Not much." I smiled. We went into the room and sat down. A couple kids in homeroom actually smiled at me today.

Maddie walked with me to English. "Did you find the homework easy?" she asked.

"Most of it," I responded.

When we walked into the classroom, I spotted Mandi talking to Mrs. McGee. Mrs. McGee was nodding and waved me over. "Teagan, Mandi tells me you guys are friends."

"Yes." I nodded.

"She was hoping that I could switch her seat so she could sit next to you, to help," she said. "Would that be helpful to you?"

I nodded. "Yes, it would. She knows about things, she could fill me in."

"You won't goof off?"

"No, Ma'am," I said.

She nodded. "Very well then. I will have everyone move down one so you can sit next to Teagan."

Mandi nodded. "Thank you." We sat down. "I hope you didn't mind. I thought it might be easier for you."

"Yeah, it will. Thanks."

She smiled, pushing her dark blonde hair back behind her ears. "You're welcome."

After going over our vocabulary and spelling words, Mrs. McGee held a discussion about the first chapter in the new book. "What do you think the main..." she was saying. "Good answer, David." I looked around the room, there was a boy talking now.

I took a few deep breaths. I looked over at Mandi; she saw me looking and turned to me. "You okay?" she mouthed the words. I nodded.

I lost my place in the story. It took me a couple minutes to figure out where they were now. Well, I had had my first seizure in school. It didn't look like anyone had noticed. After class, Mandi said, "Did you catch up?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I don't think I missed anything important."

"Hi Mandi." Maddie walked up to us.

"Hi Maddie, what's up?"

"Nothing. You guys know each other?"

"Yeah, we used to be neighbors," she answered.

"Teacher must like you. She usually doesn't change seating arrangements unless there is a problem," Maddie stated.

"I guess she thought Teagan needed a friend near her," Mandi answered.

Maddie seemed to accept that answer. "I'll see you after math." I nodded. She took off.

Mandi turned to me. "I've got to go that way," she pointed down a hallway. "Will you be okay?"

"I hope so." I started to walk and then I realized that math class was upstairs. "Crap," I muttered to myself. Parent rule: never ever go on the stairs without somebody with you. "Mandi," I called after her.

She turned around and walked back. "What?"

I blushed. "I need help."

"What is it?"

"Math class is upstairs," I told her. "I'm not supposed to be on stairs without being with someone."

"Of course, I'll walk with you," we hurried up the stairs. "Will you be able to walk down with someone?"

"Yeah, I'll find someone. Thanks."

"You're welcome," she said and hurried off to her class. I walked into the math room just as the bell rang. I hurried and took my seat next to Eve.

"Hi," I whispered.

"Hi," she said back.

Math class was uneventful as far as I knew. I asked Eve about herself while we walked downstairs. She seemed a little lost in life, but overall she was very nice.

In social studies, Mandi had switched with someone else to be next to me. The rest of the classes went good. I saw another girl I knew from the neighborhood. She waved to me. Belle wasn't as close to me as Mandi was, but we were friends. It was nice to see friendly faces around.

The last bell rang and I felt relief. No big seizures, just one little one. I got my homework and hurried out the door before I could have another. I only had to wait a couple minutes before Kate pulled up in her black Honda Civic. I hopped in. "Hi, how was your day?"

"Not bad," I said. I started talking about what had happened. "I think the really great thing is that Mandi is there and she..."

"got her seat switched so she could be next to me to help if I need it."

I looked over. Kate wasn't driving anymore, she had pulled over. "You okay?" she asked.

I sighed. "Another one?" I shouldn't be surprised. I've had as many as twenty little ones on one day. That was before they upped my medication. I still can have a good ten. But, usually, it's just a couple.

She nodded. "I guess I'm just not sure whether a little one will ever turn into a big one."

"I don't think they do. I can't say for sure," I said. "Sometimes with the big ones I can tell they are going to happen, sometimes I can't. But, I don't think they start off small and get big."

"How many does that make today?" she asked.

"Three," I told her.

She started driving again. "I didn't mean to interrupt you. You said Mandi was there."

"And Belle too, but I didn't have any classes with her."

"That's great. I'm glad there are some kids there you know," she said.

We got home a few minutes later and I went in and did my homework. Spelling, vocabulary, finished reading for English. Then I had some math pages to do and social studies. I got it done just in time to help with dinner.

I went to the kitchen and started getting things out of the fridge. I knew the meatloaf was supposed to be for dinner tonight. I got it out and put it in the pan. I looked at the oven. Parent rule: never ever use the stove or oven. Don't turn it on, don't turn it off, don't cook on it, and don't cook in it.

Kate walked in the kitchen. "You're thinking about turning it on, aren't you?"

"Yeah," I admitted. "But, I didn't. I know the rules." I sighed.

"They're for safety."

"I know. I just feel stupid not being able to use the oven."

Kate preheated the oven and stuck the meatloaf in. I threw the vegetables in the pans, but I didn't touch the burners. I poked holes in the potatoes and threw them in the microwave. I was allowed to use that.

I went to my room and got online while dinner was cooking. As soon as I opened up my email program, it started dinging signaling that I had new email. The first one was from Lainey; she was from the epilepsy list I was on. She lived in New York and suffered from tonic-clonic seizures a few times a month.

Although I had never met her, I considered her my best friend. Not only did we have the same type of seizures, she also liked the same music and movies I did, and even had the same taste in guys.

The other email was from Zander: "Teagan, Glad you had a good day. Hope it continues to go well. Wish I could be there for you. Maybe someday. Love, Zander." He attached a picture of himself making a funny face. I laughed when I opened it. He had blonde hair and these big, round, green eyes. I started to reply back.

"Teagan, did you hear me?" Connor knocked on the door. "Teagan?" I looked up. "Come eat."

I nodded. I looked down at the email. I had stopped mid-sentence. I got up and started towards the kitchen. "Was she having another one?" Kate was asking.

"I think so. It's hard to tell sometimes," he answered.

"That would make four today," she said. "Just make sure to keep count for the doctor."

"Can I help serve?" I asked interrupting.

"Sorry, Honey, I didn't mean to seem like we were talking about you."

"It's okay, Kate. I'm used to it." I smiled at her.

She had a sad look in her eyes. "We just love ya, kiddo. We want you to be safe and happy."

I helped serve dinner and sat down to eat. "How was your second day?" Connor asked.

"Good. I saw some friends from Piper Street."

"Cool."

"I asked the guidance counselor to do some sort of informational session about epilepsy. She said there was a doctor who could come talk about it, but he wants to meet me first. That's okay, isn't it?"

"Yeah, if it's okay with you," Connor said.

After I helped clean up, I finished my email and went to bed.
Chapter Four

In school the next day, Mrs. Tavi told me the doctor would come the following day to speak with me. She would pull me out of study hall. The day went well, no seizures that I was aware of. A couple of the other kids started to say hi. One boy even went as far as introducing himself. He was a tall, thin kid. "My name is Craig," he said.

"Hi, Craig. It's nice to meet you," I said politely.

"Teagan is a very interesting name," he said.

I nodded. "I like it that way." I laughed.

He smiled. "I'm in a couple of your classes. I just wanted to say hi and welcome."

"Thanks."

After school, I had a lot of homework to do. I didn't get a chance to get online. I had a couple tests to study for on Friday. It was hard studying for something that was at a specific time. Mom always gave me the tests on the days I felt real good. Thinking about Mom made me sad. I took out a picture the two of us and traced it with my finger. Silent tears fell down my cheeks until I was tired enough for sleep.

* * *

The next morning I got up and went to school. During study hall, Mrs. Tavi called me down. I walked in the office and up to the desk. "I'm here for Mrs. Tavi."

"Yes, Teagan, go on down, she's expecting you."

"Thank you."

I knocked on her door. She was sitting at her desk talking to a man that sat in one of the chairs. She looked up. "Teagan, come on in." She stood up, so did the doctor. "This is Dr. Cramer."

"Hello Teagan, it's good to meet you." He stuck out his hand. I shook it. He was a tall man with black hair and a goatee.

We all sat down. "Mrs. Tavi has told me that you suffer from a couple different forms of epilepsy."

"Yes."

"I agree with you both that the other students in the school should be aware of this. They should be informed of things they can do to help you and things they shouldn't do. It would help the teachers and other staff as well," he started talking. He asked me questions about the seizures I had, the medications I was on. "You still have breakthrough seizures even on those medications?"

"Yes, many," I responded.

"The vagal nerve stimulation?"

"Doesn't work with the kind of seizures I have."

"What about surgery?" he asked.

"My parents didn't want to take the risk," I answered.

"And you?"

"I don't know. It's hard. I don't have tonic-clonic seizures a bunch of times a day like some people do. I would definitely do the surgery then. But, it's just... I don't know. It's brain surgery!" I tried to explain.

"Have you ever had the brain mapping done?"

"No."

"So, you don't know where the seizures are coming from?"

"No."

"Maybe you should look into that," he suggested.

"I've thought of it. But, I don't want to change who I am. I don't want to have surgery and end up a vegetable or not able to talk. My life is difficult enough."

"But, what if it worked? What if your episodes went away? What if you were seizure free for years and could drive?" he asked.

I shrugged. "It's just a risk I haven't wanted to take yet."

"Okay." He dropped the subject. "I have a video made for teens by teens with epilepsy. I want you to watch it. Mrs. Tavi has set up a morning assembly for Monday. I will bring it then and show it as long as it's okay with you. I also have two college students who come with me. They have epilepsy and have been living with it for years. They talk about how they are just normal people and can achieve anything they want to even with epilepsy."

"Sounds good," I said.

"We do a couple of skits so the kids and staff can see the actions live. I have tons of information to pass out. In the end, I will introduce you as a student in the school who has epilepsy. I will talk a bit about your seizures and if you want to say anything, you can," he explained.

"Sounds good, Dr. Cramer. I appreciate you doing this."

"I'm glad I can help."

* * *

When Connor got home, I told him all about it. "Was he pushing you into this surgery?"

"No... I don't know. I think he advocates for it. It's just not something I want to think about right now."

"Mom and Dad were set against it," he stated seriously.

"What do you think, Connor?"

"I don't know, Teagan. It would be great if it came with a guarantee. I hate seeing you suffer. But, I don't want you to end up brain damaged." He shook his head. "I don't know."

I smiled. "Either do I."

After dinner, we watched the video Dr. Cramer had given me. There were a bunch of teenagers with epilepsy telling kids not to be afraid of them. They even videotaped some having seizures. They would talk about it afterwards. They showed first aid for the different types of seizures. It was nicely made. "Kate and I want to be there for you on Monday morning," Connor told me.

"You don't have to," I said.

"We want to."

"Okay," I smiled. I loved my big brother. He was the best. I couldn't ask for a more understanding and loving brother. He had always been there for me. And he continued to do so.

* * *

Friday finally came. I told Mrs. Tavi that Dr. Cramer could use the video. She told me to come to her office on Monday morning. I cruised through the tests I had to take. The first week of school was over! I was relieved when the final bell rang. I stood talking to Mandi while waiting for someone to come pick me up. Maddie walked over to us. "Hey girls, how ya doing?"

"Good," I said.

"You made it through your first week," she said, flinging her hair back. "I bet you feel relieved."

"Yeah, I'm so glad it's over. I wanted to thank you..."

"for helping me out this week. It was really nice of you." I noticed that Maddie was looking at me funny. "What?"

"You just stopped in the middle—"

Mandi cut her off, "I think I see your ride."

I looked over and saw Kate's car pulling up. "Oh yeah!" I grabbed my backpack. "Thanks again Maddie." Mandi walked me to the car. "Thanks."

"Sure. They'll all know Monday anyway."

"True. Have a good weekend."

"You too."

I hopped in and buckled up. "Hi," Kate said.

"Please go," I asked.

"Okay." She pulled away. "What's up?"

"I think I just had an episode in front of someone," I told her.

"Oh. First one today?"

"I think so. But, the look on her face... she didn't understand. Am I making a mistake with the thing on Monday?" I looked over at her hoping she had some great wisdom to share.

"I don't think you are making a mistake, this is important for everyone to know."

"I have the medic alert bracelet." I argued, pulling it out from under my sleeve.

"Yeah, but, not everyone looks for one of those."

"I guess."

"It'll be okay. If they're nice kids, they'll understand it's not something you wanted or can control. If they're jerks, then well, we'll deal with that later."

I was so glad the week was over and I had a couple days to be myself. The only homework I had was to read some more of the English book and start a paper that was due in a couple weeks. I wanted to get online and talk to Zander and Lainey.

I gave Connor and Kate some alone time. They were snuggling on the couch watching a movie. I went in my room and opened up instant messenger. I talked to both Zander and Lainey. We filled each other in on our weeks. Everyone on the forum wished me good luck on Monday. Why did they all have to be so far away? Why couldn't someone with epilepsy live nearby?

I slept in on Saturday. I was glad I would be able to relax over the weekend. I started working on my paper. It was a science paper on forensics. I found it neat. I did a lot of online research.

A little after lunch, I started feeling funny. I was tingly and warm. I knew what was coming. I didn't always get these auras, I was lucky when I did; it gave me a few seconds warning. I knew it wouldn't be long until a big seizure happened. While I could still move, I went out to the living room, but nobody was there. "Connor!" I yelled. The room started to spin.

The long tunnel was back. At the very end, I saw Connor and Kate running. I felt hands around me and then it all went black.

* * *

I licked my lips. They were so dry. My head pounded. I opened my eyes and blinked. It was dark and quiet. I could hear soft voices. "Teagan?" I heard Connor whisper. "It's okay. It's over." I was on my bed. "Sleep, Teagan. We'll be here."

"Sorry," I mumbled before closing my eyes and succumbing to the sleep.

* * *

My head was still throbbing when I woke up again. It was dark. I rubbed my eyes trying to get them open. Finally they cooperated. The door was open a crack. I had to get up and get some medicine for my head. Then I needed a big glass of cold water. After that I'd probably have to lie back down until the medicines kicked in and my headache dulled.

It was so hard to just get up. My body was weak. I took some deep breaths and then sat up. The room spun for a minute and then it stopped. Slowly, I stood up and opened the door. It made a loud creaking noise. I heard footsteps and Connor came into view. "Hey, you're up."

I tried to smile. "Medicine, please." The pain was so bad, I wanted to cry.

"I've got it ready for you." He took me by the arm and helped me to the kitchen. I squinted, the bright lights not helping my headache. He handed me the pills and a big glass of water.

"Thank you."

Kate walked in. "How are you doing?"

I shook my head. "I feel like a truck just ran me over."

"I bet. That was one heck of a seizure." She sat down.

"I'm sorry," I apologized.

"Oh, Teagan, stop apologizing. It's okay."

Tears fell down my face. "It's not okay. I'm sorry I'm such a burden on you guys." I held my head in my hands. I hated waking up after having the seizures. The headaches were usually unbearable. Why couldn't I just sleep until morning? Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so badly.

"Teagan, you are so precious. Don't ever be sorry. We're just sorry that you have to go through this. It's so hard watching knowing there's nothing we can do for you. Do you know that even though your brother has seen it his whole life, he still cries when you have one?"

Surprised, I looked up at Connor, who was glaring at Kate. I didn't know that. Fact was, I don't know any of what happens when I'm seizing. "It hurts him to see you like that. All he can do is catch you if he can and carry you to bed when it's done. It kills him to know he can't make it better."

I took Connor's hand. "I don't know if I've ever thanked you for being there for me. I love you," I told him.

"I love you too, Sis." He kissed my forehead.

I took Kate's hand too,."Thank you too. I'm so glad my brother married you." She smiled.

"Let's get you back to bed," Connor said.

"One cool washcloth coming up," Kate said.

Connor helped me walk back to my room. I had these curtains that were like hotel curtains. When pulled, it was dark as the nighttime. I lay back down and Kate placed the washcloth over my eyes. "Get some rest." I felt them kiss my forehead before leaving.

I rested for a little while. It was about an hour later when I could get up again. Kate was cleaning up from dinner. "I saved you a plate," she said.

I nodded and went to the fridge. I took out the plate and warmed it up in the microwave. Then I sat down to eat it. My "seizure journal" was out on the table. It was a chart we used to keep track of them.

Under type, Connor had written TC (stands for tonic-clonic). Under length he put 100 seconds. Under aura, he put short. In the notes, he put woke briefly, slept for three hours, woke again with headache, took meds, rested.

I looked to see when my last big seizure was. I counted ten days, before that it had been only three. Out of the entire month, there were only two days with no seizures recorded. If it was an absence seizure, we would just put the number I had and some sort of WNL (within normal limits) after it. If it was weird at all, we would write down what was different.

Connor sat down next to me. "How are you feeling?"

"Better," I said. "Exhausted."

He nodded. "It was a long one. I'm exhausted from just watching you," he teased.

I smiled. "Is it really weird watching it?"

He looked over at me with a strange expression. "What?"

"Well, I've never seen one. I experience them, but I don't remember them at all. What's it like to watch?"

Color drained from his face. "I don't know if I could explain it."

"I used to ask Mom to tell me, I even asked her to videotape it. But, she wouldn't. She hated even talking about them. She wouldn't describe to me what happens to me. I watched a video online, but I don't care what other people do. I'm curious about what I do," I said.

He ran his hand through his hair. "I don't know, Teagan. It's scary. That's how I'd describe it. You just fall and start shaking. We never know how long it'll be. We just wait and make sure you don't hit your head on something. Then it starts to settle down and you totally lose consciousness for a few minutes."

"Am I awake through the seizure?" I asked.

"I wouldn't call it awake. Usually your eyes roll back but they're open. Sometimes they're closed. If they're open, when the seizure stops, your eyes will close. You don't ever respond to anything."

"Then what?" I asked curiously.

"Usually you wake up for a few seconds. Sometimes you say something; sometimes you're really confused. But, then you fall asleep for hours."

"Then I wake up with a horrible headache and I know what happened," I added. "Would you be willing to videotape it?" I asked.

"Seriously?" he asked. I nodded. "I don't know. I'll have to think about that."

"If I'm safe?"

"I'll think about it. Why would you want to see that?"

"I want to know what everybody else sees. I am missing that time, like my memory has been erased. It's weird. I try so hard to remember, but it's not there. Seeing it might help me understand better," I tried to explain.

"We'll see."

When I got back to my room, I got online with Zander. Had TC seizure today. Not feeling good. I typed.

I waited for his response. Sorry. Big one?

Yeah.

I had one today, too.

Maybe our brains are connected. I put a smiley face in it.

LOL. Maybe. Go get some rest.

I'm going. Hugs. I typed.

Hugs back.

I turned the computer off and got back in bed. I slept through the night.
Chapter Five

Monday came way too fast for my liking. It was time for the whole school to know all about me. I was very jittery; I think that triggered some episodes. I had three before I even left the house. Connor sat me down. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"You are very out of it this morning."

"I know."

"Take some deep breaths," he instructed me to do as he rubbed my back. We sat there for a few minutes. "Now, we're going to go together."

I nodded and gathered up my strength and my courage and got in the car. I didn't say anything on the way to school. "You okay?" Kate asked turning around to look at me.

I nodded. "Yeah."

At school, Connor parked and we all got out. We walked towards the school. I saw Maddie and Brad talking. I went over and said hello. "Hi Teagan, how was your weekend?"

"Good, thanks."

"Who's the hot guy you're with?" Maddie asked.

"And who's the hot girl?" Brad added.

I laughed. "The hot guy is my brother and he's married to the hot girl."

"Oh." Maddie blushed.

"Bummer," Brad said.

"I'll see you guys later," I walked off.

Just as we were entering the building, Mandi ran up. "Hi," she said out of breath.

"Hey. You remember my brother and sister-in-law."

"Sure do. How are you?"

"Fine, thanks."

"We're heading to the guidance office," I told her.

"Is it okay if I sit near you during the assembly?" she asked.

"Sure, we'll be down in front." I told her opening the door to the office. Mrs. Tavi and Dr. Cramer were waiting for us. We all shook hands. He introduced me to the guests he brought. Both had epilepsy and both were doing things with their lives. It was neat to meet them.

I went to homeroom and then I was to meet up with them in the auditorium. I knew I had one small seizure in homeroom. The teacher was calling names and it was like he skipped all of a sudden. That was four today. It wasn't letting up.

Mandi and I walked to the auditorium. Maddie caught up to us. "Hey, do you know what this is about?" she asked as we were walking in.

I turned to her. "Yeah, it's about me." I didn't wait to see the expression on her face or what she had to say. I walked to the front and sat down next to Connor. Mandi sat on the other side of me. I thought of Zander and Lainey. Both of them had done this years ago. I knew they were with me in spirit, but I wished they could physically be here with me.

My mind started to wander. What if the kids just started laughing at me? What if they were mortified? What if I had a seizure and they just stood there making jokes? Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. "Teagan," Connor said. I looked over at him. "You are going to have a seizure if you don't stop stressing." My fingers were gripping the armrest. He took my hand and I relaxed. "Squeeze my hand if you want." He tried to smile.

The doors in the back of the auditorium closed. Murmuring continued even as the lights dimmed. Mrs. Tavi stood up and took the microphone. "Good morning," she started. "We have an informational session today with Dr. Cramer. He is here to talk to you all about a serious medical illness."

Dr. Cramer stood up and took the microphone. "Good morning! Thank you, Mrs. Tavi for inviting me to speak here today. I'm here to talk about epilepsy. How many of you have heard of this disease?" he asked. A good amount of kids raised their hands. "Wonderful! Now, how many of you know a lot about it?" A couple people kept their hands raised including Mrs. McGee.

"Epilepsy is a neurological condition which affects the nervous system. It is a seizure disorder. Epilepsy can be related to a brain injury or hereditary, but most of the time, we can't find a reason as to why someone has it. Epilepsy is diagnosed usually after a person has at least two seizures that aren't related to any other medical condition. Now, who knows what a seizure actually is?"

Nobody was raising their hands this time. "A seizure is a sudden surge of electrical activity in the brain. This affects how a person acts or feels for a small amount of time. There are many different types of seizures. We break them up into two groups.

"The first is a generalized seizure. That means it involves both sides of the brain at once. A few of the seizures in that group are absence seizures, myoclonic, tonic-clonic seizures. The second group is called partial seizures. This is where the electrical discharge is located in one part of the brain.

"Examples of different seizures in this group are simple partial seizures and complex partial seizures," As Dr. Cramer explained, he showed some pictures on a power point presentation.

"Seizures take on many different forms and can affect people in different ways. A seizure has a beginning, middle, and end. In some seizures, they just start with no warning. In other seizures, people can experience an aura. That can be dizziness, nausea, smelling something weird or having a déjà vu feeling.

"So, what kinds of seizures are there? There is the absence seizure. This is a brief episode of staring. During this kind of seizure, the person is not aware and does not respond. They don't even know they have one. There is no warning to this type of seizure and when the person comes out of it, they are alert and pick up right where they left off. It might even seem like the person is daydreaming," he paused to take a drink.

"Then there are myoclonic seizures. These are like brief jerks of a muscle." He demonstrated with his arm. "Tonic-clonic seizures used to be called grand mal seizures. These are what most people think of when someone says the word 'seizure'.

"The person drops to the floor, their eyes roll back, their muscles stiffen, and then their whole body starts jerking around. The person might groan. They might turn pale or even blue. They might bite their cheek or tongue. Sometimes they even lose control over their bladder.

"These people are unconscious. They don't know what is happening to them. The seizure can last a minute or two, sometimes longer. After a few minutes, the person can regain consciousness but is very confused and sleepy. The best thing to do is get them to bed. There they sleep for a few hours. In a partial seizure, the person is conscious.

"Sometimes they will respond to you when you talk to them, but they're not really there. Some people smell or hear things other people don't. Some people just twitch a little. As you can see, there are many different types of seizures. I'd like to show you all a video before continuing on. These are teenagers with epilepsy."

He put the video on and we all watched. There were some murmurs and chuckles when the video actually showed them having a seizure. They showed a few different ones. An absence seizure, a simple partial seizure, a tonic-clonic seizure and even a drop seizure.

Then the kids in the video talked about going through school with these seizures, how their friends reacted, how to help someone having one and how they were going on to college or work after graduation.

When the video was done, Dr. Cramer stood back up. "As you can see these kids live with unknown certainties every day. They go to school every day not knowing if they will have a seizure and if everyone will laugh at them when they do. But, it doesn't hold them back.

"They are normal kids, with a love for music or reading or learning. They have goals and dreams. I'd like to introduce a couple of young adults who have graduated high school and are now in college, both of them have epilepsy. Please welcome Aubrey and Rick."

The audience clapped as they got up. "Hi, my name is Aubrey and I have absence seizures."

"And I'm Rick and I have tonic-clonic seizures."

"We're here to talk to you about what it's like to have epilepsy," Aubrey said. She went into a little more detail about her type of seizure. How she was treated as a daydreamer in school. Everyone thought she didn't like school or didn't pay attention until a doctor noticed it. After an EEG was done, she was diagnosed with epilepsy.

"It was horrible. Here I was at thirteen, being told I had this disorder. That I had to take medication for a really long time. That I wouldn't be able to drive until I didn't have a seizure for two years! I was a teenager. I wanted to enjoy life. I wanted to drive. I was depressed and lonely. I was sure I was the only teenager around with it."

"With the permission of our parents, our doctor introduced us," Rick said. "I had been diagnosed with tonic-clonic seizures. I would drop on the floor in front of people or by myself and start jerking around. Sometimes I'd drool or pee on myself." Some kids snickered.

"It isn't funny when it happens to you. I had no clue it was going on. And imagine how embarrassed you would be if all of a sudden you woke up on the floor with a bunch of your peers staring down at you and all you could smell was urine? Imagine!" The kids were quiet. "I was fifteen and I was sure my life was over." He went on to explain how he was diagnosed after three big seizures and put on medication.

"We both went on to college. Something we weren't sure epilepsy would allow us to do. But, we were wrong. I'm studying to be a doctor," Aubrey said.

"I am studying to be a journalist," Rick said.

"We'd like to show you how to help someone having a seizure," Aubrey said. She sat down and pulled her hair back into a ponytail real quick. She started talking and then stopped abruptly.

Rick said, "Aubrey, are you okay?" There was no response. He turned to the audience. "This is a typical absence seizure. She looks like she's daydreaming and stopped what she was doing." Then she started talking again. "She picks up where she left off. There is really nothing you can do first aid wise to someone having this type of seizure."

"You can help them get caught up. Remember they don't know that they're having one, so they might miss something a teacher has said. You can help by showing them your notes or telling them what they missed. The biggest thing is to not make fun of the person. That really hurts," Aubrey said.

"Now for the next one," Rick said and he fell to the ground. It looked so real. He started jerking his whole body around.

Aubrey stood up. "For this, people used to grab the tongue or try and hold the person down. NEVER do that. You can't stop the seizure. Either can the person who is having it. It has to play out. Watch the person. Look around to see if there's a desk, chair, sharp object that you can move out of the way so that the person doesn't hurt themselves," she demonstrated by moving some things away from Rick.

"You can place something under their head if you have the chance. Otherwise you can just watch. When the person stops thrashing around, then you can help." Rick stopped. Aubrey got down and pushed Rick onto his side. "Keep the person on their side. Sometimes vomiting occurs before they wake up and if they do vomit they can aspirate it or choke on it. If they are on their side, it can go on the floor. Stay calm, stay with the person until they are alert."

Someone raised a hand and Aubrey called on her. "Shouldn't you call 911?"

"That's a very good question. If this is the person's very first seizure, definitely call. If you don't know the person at all and find someone seizing on a sidewalk, call. If this is someone you know has epilepsy, 911 isn't needed UNLESS that person hurts themselves in their seizure.

"Maybe when they fall, they hit their head hard. You should call for that. Or if the seizure lasts more than five minutes, you should call. The other time to call is if someone has one seizure and then has another a couple minutes later.

"The best thing for you guys to do is have someone stay with the person having the seizure and another person go get a teacher or the nurse and once the seizure is done they can bring them back to the office and have them go home to rest."

Rick got back up. "In other seizures, the same thing is done. Just watch the person to make sure they're okay. If they start jerking one arm, don't make a big deal of it. If someone starts talking funny, just go along. If someone blanks out, just help them when they come back."

Dr. Cramer stood back up. "Are there any questions at this point?"

A couple hands went up. Dr. Cramer picked someone. "Aubrey, you said you were studying to be a doctor. Do they allow people with epilepsy to be doctors?"

"Sure they do. I might not be able to be a surgeon or even an OB, but there is no reason I can't be a general practitioner or an epilepsy specialist."

"Are there limitations on what you can do?" she asked further.

"Yes, I can't swim alone."

"I can't even be in my parents' house alone," Rick said. "Driving is not allowed until you have been seizure free for a certain amount of time. Being a surgeon or operating heavy machinery. But, there are many jobs out there we can hold. I'm not giving up my dream of being a reporter just because I may seize once in a while."

"Yes?" Dr. Cramer picked someone else.

"Do you ever grow out of it? Or get cured?"

"Sometimes, yes. Other times, no. It depends on the type of epilepsy and seizures you have. It depends on the medication. Sometimes the medication handles all of it."

"Does the medication always work?" someone else asked.

"No." He shook his head. "There are many people who still have severe seizures even though they are on medication."

"What do you do for them?"

"Sometimes we can do brain surgery, but it's risky. You have to weigh the seizures to the risks and decide."

"Are there any other questions?" Dr. Cramer asked. Nobody else raised their hands. "Then I am going to introduce you to Connor Kavanagh. He'd like to speak to you for a few minutes."

Surprised, I looked over at Connor who winked at me and got up. He took the microphone. "Hi. My name is Connor and I don't have epilepsy." A few of the kids murmured. "My sister was diagnosed with epilepsy when she was five years old. I was eleven. And boy did it rock my world!" He laughed.

"My parents were set on keeping her safe and a lot of times I couldn't do things because my sister couldn't do them. It took a long time for me to understand her disorder. She grew into a lovely young lady. She is happy and optimistic about the future. She has goals and dreams. Actually, she is my hero.

"I see her suffer through seizures almost every day. I don't know how she does it. I'm not sure I could. We are having this assembly because she is new to this school. We wanted all of you, her peers and her teachers, to know about epilepsy. What I want to ask of you is to get to know her and not just her disorder." He looked down at me and held out his hand. "Teagan?"

I took a deep breath and took his hand. He squeezed it before he sat back down. I heard a lot of murmurs from the audience. I couldn't see very far with the lights shining in my face. "Hi," I started out. "Some of you have seen me around school. I started here last Monday. My name is Teagan Kavanagh. I'm in eleventh grade and I have epilepsy." I paused. "These guys have pretty much explained epilepsy. Do you have any questions for me?" Please say no, please say no, please say no – I chanted over and over in my head.

A bunch of hands shot out. Great, I thought. I pointed to someone. "Which kind do you have?"

"Actually, I have two different seizures. Absence seizures and tonic-clonic seizures."

Dr. Cramer interrupted. "Many people have more than one type of seizures. It's not uncommon for some people to even have three different ones."

I picked another person. "Do you take medication for it?"

"Yes, I do."

"Does it work?" someone else asked.

"It helps. I used to have at least twenty absence seizures a day and sometimes I'd have a tonic-clonic everyday. With the medicine, I still have absence seizures daily, but only a few, and I only have a few of the tonic-clonic seizures a month now," I tried to explain.

"Will you have surgery?"

I shrugged. "I don't know yet."

Maddie raised her hand. I pointed to her. "Have you had any seizures since you've been here?" Maddie asked.

I looked at her. "Yes."

"You really don't know they're happening?" someone else spoke up.

"No, I don't. Sometimes I get a warning sign if a tonic-clonic is coming on. But, once it starts, I don't remember anything."

"Will we know if you're having one?"

"If I'm having a tonic-clonic, you will definitely know. If I'm having an absence seizure, it depends. They last anywhere from a few seconds to half a minute. I might be talking and stop and you'll know what's going on." I met Maddie's eyes again. "Or I might just stare off into space for five seconds and you'll never know."

"Do you have any limitations?" another voice popped up.

"Yes. I have many. Since I have two types of seizures and neither is controlled well."

"Like what?" the voice asked again.

"Well, the one I hate the most, I can't even have a learner's permit right now. I'm sixteen and I can't drive, that just sucks." Some kids laughed. "Truth is I don't know if I'll ever be able to have one. But, I'd rather be safe then hurt myself or someone else on the road."

"Can you ride a bike?" someone asked.

I shook my head. "No. If I want to do anything, I have to have somebody who knows what to do with me. I love rollerblading, but I can't go by myself. I have to have someone swimming with me to even put my feet in the water." I tried to give a couple examples.

I answered a few more questions and then sat down. Connor squeezed my hand. "Thanks Connor, for saying what you did."

"You're welcome." He smiled.

"If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask me after the assembly or go to Mrs. Tavi or I'm sure Teagan will answer your questions if you ask her," Dr. Cramer said. "On your way out, you will be getting a booklet that goes over what we talked about. Thank you all!"

The principal, Mrs. Armstrong got up and thanked everyone for being good and thanked us all for sharing our stories. She dismissed everyone to go to their first period, saying all classes would be shortened today.

The kids started getting up and filing out. Mrs. Armstrong came over to us and shook Connor and Kate's hands, and then she came over to me and wished me luck. The nurse stopped over to thank us. "It was very informational," she said.

I sat back down for a minute. Kate sat next to me. "You okay?"

"Still nervous. I feel safe right here, right now. But, out there," I said motioning to the hallway, "it's a whole other story."

She smiled. "It's going to be okay. You did wonderful today. The assembly was a success I think." I nodded. "Call me if you need to get out of here during the day. We'll play a little hooky," she whispered.

I laughed. "Okay."

I got up again. Connor gave me a big hug. "I love you."

"I love you too. Thank you for coming."

Mandi tapped me on the shoulder. "I'll walk with you to class."

"Great." I smiled.

I said goodbye to Connor, Kate, Aubrey, and Rick. Then Mandi and I walked out of the auditorium. Most of the kids had gone to their classes. A few were still walking by. As we walked to our class, I noticed some kids pointing and whispering. I knew that was to be expected. A couple of the kids flailed their arms around faking a seizure. "Oooh yeah, haven't seen that before." I shook my head as I walked by.

We walked into English. The kids who were there stopped talking and looked up. I smiled and took my seat. The teacher started class. We went over the book we had to read and she gave us a short quiz on it. "I want five more chapters read by Friday," she told us. "I also want to say that I am honored to have Teagan in my class and I expect you to all respect her." I blushed and looked down.

Mandi gave me a hug. "I will see you in a little bit."

"Thanks, Mandi."

I walked out the door, Maddie was standing there. "Can I walk with you?" she asked.

"Of course," I said. She was quiet at first. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Mhmm."

"When we were outside on Friday, did you have a seizure while we were talking?" she asked.

I nodded. "Yes."

"But, you didn't know?"

"No, not until I realized you were looking at me funny and you started to say that I had stopped talking."

"Wow. I'm sorry... It's just weird. Here we are walking to class and you could drop on the floor right now and have a seizure?"

I wasn't sure if that was a question. "Yeah that could happen. In fact, it's a very real possibility."

"How long ago did you have one of those bigger seizures?" she asked.

"Saturday."

"Are they bad?"

I nodded and looked away. "Yeah, they are."

People in the hallway were giving me looks and I heard a lot of whispering. "Just ignore them."

I nodded. We stopped outside my classroom door. "Thanks for walking with me."

"I'll wait for you to go back down."

I nodded. "That would be great."

I walked into the classroom. The kids looked up. I took my seat next to Eve. "Hi," she said.

"Hi," I said back. I didn't know what else to say.

Mr. Harmon came in. "Settle down class. I know it's been an exciting morning, but we have stuff to do in a shorter period of time." I blushed. He started his lesson and hurried through it.

Maddie did walk with me to our next class. Many kids were still looking at me. It seemed like they were waiting for me to have a seizure right then. In computer class, Craig walked up to me. "Hi Teagan."

"Hi Craig, how are you?"

"I'm good. I ah..." His face turned red. "I wanted to say that it doesn't bother me."

"What doesn't bother you?"

"Your epilepsy," he said.

I laughed. "Oh, I'm glad it doesn't bother you." I smiled. "That means a lot to me."

Now, he was beet red. The teacher came in and started class. She had us start typing what she was saying in Microsoft Word. I realized that I was missing words. Was I having little episodes? I tried to keep up.

"Ms. Nerick," someone spoke up. "I think Teagan is doing it."

I looked up hearing my name. "What?"

Ms. Nerick came over to where I was sitting and read over what I had written. "You're missing a few words," she said quietly. "I'll have someone help you catch up in a minute."

I nodded. "Sorry."

"It's okay." She smiled.

When she was done reading out loud what she wanted us to write, she told us to check it over with spell check and fix our mistakes. "Amalie, will you please have Teagan read what you wrote so she can fill in the words."

"Of course," Amalie responded.

She sat right next to me, so I just looked over hers and filled in the words, actually a couple sentences that I had missed. "Thank you," I said.

"You're welcome." She smiled.

When the bell rang, I went up to Ms. Nerick. "What can I do for you, Teagan?"

"I think it's the computer," I told her.

"What do you mean?"

"Certain things trigger more seizures. Computers can be one. Is there any way you can set the refresh rate of the monitor higher? That usually helps."

She nodded. "I sure can. I will have it ready for you by tomorrow."

"Thank you."

* * *

Study hall was next. A few people were passing notes. I couldn't help but think they were about me. I did some of my homework and tried to ignore the other kids.

In Spanish class, a girl asked me some questions about my seizures. "Do the big ones hurt?"

"Not while they're happening. But, afterwards, I get real bad headaches."

"So, you just go to sleep?"

"Yeah. I get exhausted. I sleep for hours."

It was the end of the day. I had gotten through it. I spotted Connor's car as soon as I walked outside. I hurried to it not wanting to engage in any after school conversation today. I jumped in the car. "Everything okay?"

I nodded. "Yeah. It's just been such an emotional day that I want to go home."

"Okay." He started driving. "Wanna talk?"

"Lots of kids whispered and looked. Some asked me questions. Not much teasing, not that I saw anyway."

"Good. Any more episodes?"

"Yeah, I had a few in computer class. I asked the teacher to change the refresh rate on it, she said she would."
Chapter Six

We got home and I collapsed on my bed for a few minutes. I grabbed my photo album and started looking through it. There were pictures of me as a baby. A normal baby. There were pictures of Connor holding me. My Mom and Dad looked so young. I missed them so much. Tears filled my eyes.

I flipped the pages. When I was four, we went to Ireland. I didn't remember much of it. We went again when I was ten, I remembered that one. We planned on going after I graduated. The pictures were beautiful. There were pictures of me with my grandparents and all my aunts and uncles.

As I kept flipping, I saw myself grow up. My mom loved taking pictures, she never missed anything. As I got older, she taught me how to take the perfect picture. There was a knock on my door. "Come in."

Connor walked in. "What are you doing?"

"Taking a walk down memory lane," I said. "Was I really five when I was diagnosed?"

He nodded. "Yup. I remember Mom bringing you home from the hospital after you had a seizure. She was in tears. Mom and Dad sat me down and told me what my little sister had."

I wiped away my tears. "Did I really ruin your childhood?"

"You didn't ruin it. That's not what I said. I said you rocked my world. Everything changed. You weren't a normal little girl anymore. You loved to follow me around and once you were diagnosed I couldn't do something if you couldn't do it.

"That changed though a couple years later. Mom and Dad realized they couldn't make me stay at home just because you couldn't do what I did." He flipped a page. "You brightened up a room when you walked in it. I always knew you were special. You have that light in you; don't ever let it go out."

"Do you think someone will ever fall in love with me?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't they?"

I looked at him. "Oh c'mon. Who would want to take care of me?"

"Someone who understands."

"But... I look at my future. Sure, I could go to college, get a job, ride the bus to work and back. But, where am I going to live? Who will know I'm in the shower?"

"You'll live here."

"I can't stay here forever, Connor. You and Kate need your lives back. You'll want kids someday."

"And you will be the best aunt they could ever have."

"But Connor, I couldn't even hold them," I turned away. "What if I dropped your baby or started seizing with him in my arms?"

He rubbed my back. "We'll deal with all that when it comes to it. Right now, you must know that you are my sister, my family. You are Kate's family. We love you and you're staying here forever as far as we're concerned. Don't worry about it."

"I don't know... I have to do my homework though."

"Okay, I'll see you at dinnertime."

I did my homework pretty fast. This stuff was much easier than what Mom made me do. The studying I did at home was more in depth. I guess that's good. I can kind of breeze through until it's over. When I was finished I got online. Both Lainey and Zander were on. We got in a private chat room.

How did it go? Lainey asked.

Good.

How were they to you? Zander asked.

Okay. I heard some whispering, got some looks, few kids did stupid stuff, but nothing real bad yet.

That's got to be hard. I've been in public school all along. I can't imagine going through it now in high school. The kids don't tease me now, but they've known me for years, Lainey said.

I don't think they know what to say to me, I said. There were a couple of college kids with epilepsy who got up to speak today. It made me start thinking about my future.

What do you see? Zander asked.

That's just it. I don't see one.

Teagan, you have great opportunities, Lainey said.

Mom always said I could do anything, I typed. But, I can't. I have so many limitations; I can't see becoming an adult.

You'll work around your limitations, Zander said. I've got a part-time job. They don't mind the epilepsy part.

Yeah, but I can't live on a part-time job. I sighed, rubbing my temples.

Your brother will help, Lainey said.

I don't want to be a burden on them forever. But, I don't see a way out. I know you guys understand what I'm saying. But, it's harder than you can imagine. I don't want it to seem like your seizures aren't as devastating as mine, I know they are. It's just that I have two kinds. I seize daily! I can't live a normal life. Nobody will ever hire me. No guy will ever love me. I'm going to be stuck forever. I'll probably lock myself up so my brother can have a normal life. I typed faster.

Stop, you're getting upset, Zander wrote.

Calm down, Lainey said. We're not going to let you lock yourself up...

* * *

I felt someone stroking my hair. My head pounded. My body ached. I couldn't even open my eyes I was so weak. I heard Kate's voice, "Yeah, she's okay now. Thanks for calling."

I licked my lips. "Here, Teagan, I got water right here. Here's the straw," Connor said, putting the straw on my lips. I took it and drank some water. I tried to talk, but nothing was coming out. "It's okay. Do you want your medicine now?" I nodded. "Okay." He lifted my head up a little and I opened my mouth. He put the pill in and then gave me the drink. "Sleep now."

Kate put the cool washcloth over my eyes. It felt so good. I drifted back to sleep. I didn't wake up again until the next morning. I actually felt somewhat refreshed when I did get up. The door was wide open and I could hear voices coming from the kitchen. I went to find them.

Connor and Kate were sitting at the table. Kate looked up and smiled. "Hey, how are you?"

I sat down. "Not bad right now."

"Headache?" Connor asked.

"Nope. I can't believe I slept all night." I stretched. "What happened?"

"We didn't know anything happened until the phone started ringing. I guess you were online talking to your friends when you had the seizure. You weren't responding to them anymore so they called us."

"Wow. I didn't even feel it coming on."

"Do you feel like staying home?"

"No, I need to go to school." I insisted.

* * *

The next couple of days consisted of whispers, weird looks, and stupid comments. Slowly, the teasing subsided some, and they found something else to talk about. I knew this would change the second I had a tonic-clonic seizure at school.

Some kids would say hi to me in the hallway. More kids talked to me in class. It started feeling like I had been there longer. I had multiple absence seizures in class. The kids around me helped fill in the blanks. They were being really nice. Some of the kids still watched me, waiting. But, they weren't mean about it. They were just being curious.

I waited a couple days since my episode at the computer and then I got back on. I had a ton of email. Most of it was from Lainey and Zander. They were concerned about me. I wrote them back the same email: "I'm okay. Thanks for calling. Just got to get some stuff figured out in my head. I have an appointment with the neuro next week. I'll be around. Love, Teagan."

* * *

I had a lot of homework to do over the weekend. I had to finish a book, study for a test, and finish up a paper. I got it all done Saturday. Connor, Kate and I went to a movie Saturday night. I sat a couple seats away so they could pretend they were on a real date without the little sister tagging along. It sure was good to get out.

On Sunday, Kate suggested playing some games. In the middle of our monopoly game, I went to get a glass of water. I drank some and refilled the glass. I started walking back.

Suddenly, Kate was in the room and there was broken glass and water all over the floor. "Crap. I'm sorry," I bent down and started picking up pieces of glass.

"Teagan, stop," Kate said. She had a broom and pan in her hands. "Honey, you're bleeding now, put the glass down." I put it in the pan and sat back against the cupboard. Kate swept up the glass and put some paper towels over the water.

Connor kneeled down next to me and put a towel around my hand. "I'm sorry." I said again.

"It's okay. It's just a glass."

I started to cry. "Teagan, what's wrong?"

"I just... I can't... control them. I want Mom," I cried.

"I know. Me too," Connor said.

A few minutes of silence passed. "Connor?"

"Yeah?"

"Maybe I should have the surgery. It would either make me better or make me a vegetable and you can leave me there."

"Stop it!" he shouted. "I can't take hearing that from you. I love you, Teagan. Kate loves you. Get that through your head! It was just a glass," he yelled and then he pulled me close to him and started sobbing. After a few minutes, he let go and smiled. "I'm sorry I yelled. I just want you to understand."

I nodded speechless.

He took the towel off my hand. The cut was still bleeding. "I don't know if it needs stitches. Kate?"

She sat on the floor next to me too and looked at my hand. "I think it's okay. I'll get the gauze and we'll wrap it up. If it keeps bleeding, then we'll go to the ER." She got up and came back with the gauze. I let her wrap up my hand. "You're quiet." She laughed. "I don't think I've ever seen you this quiet."

I smiled, but still didn't say anything. They helped me up and we went to the living room. "Do you want to finish the game?" Connor asked.

I nodded. "Yeah."

So, we played and I won.

* * *

I was feeling better a few days later. I had gotten back online and talked to my friends. School was going good. I did well on my test, handed in my paper a day early and had a good discussion in English on the book we read.

On Wednesday, Maddie and I talked right before homeroom. "Some of us are going to the movies on Friday night, do you want to come with us?"

I smiled. "Thanks, that's really nice. But, I can't."

"Oh, why not?"

"I am not allowed to go out." I shrugged.

"Really? Even with us there?"

"It would be different if you were around when I have the big seizures. But, you've never seen them, you'll be surprised how it looks when it happens to someone you know," I tried to explain. "It's just not something Connor would go for right now."

"Connor? What about your parents?"

"They died a few months ago."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"It's okay. I didn't tell. I live with Connor and Kate now."

"Well, maybe someday."

"Maybe."
Chapter Seven

Friday came. It had been a good week. Mandi had asked if she could come over and hang out after school on Friday. Kate said it would be fine. She was glad I was making friends. It had been a long time since I had had a friend over.

The last bell rang and I got what I needed out of my locker. It was Kate's turn to pick me up. I was walking out with Mandi, Maddie, and Brad. We were heading out the door and all of a sudden I felt dizzy and hot. I grabbed Mandi's arm. She looked over, her eyes widened. "What?"

Things were fading fast. "Get... Kate."

"Teagan?"

I tried to lower myself to the ground before everything went black.

* * *

I stirred. I could hear Kate's voice. "It's over, Teagan," she said. I opened my eyes. She was sitting down with my head in her lap. I was turned on my side. I could see lots of shoes. People were standing over us.

"Connor is on his way," Mandi said.

"Thank you," Kate replied. "It's okay, she's all done, and you can go now." I imagined all the people standing over me. I saw only some of the shoes move away even after I heard someone yelling for the kids taking buses to get on them.

"Here's the washcloth you asked for." The nurse handed it to Kate. I rolled onto my back and she placed the cool cloth on my forehead. "Are you sure there's nothing I can do?"

"We're good," she said, stroking my hair gently.

My eyes started to focus a little more. I saw Maddie and Mandi kneeling on the floor. They were talking quietly. I couldn't make out what they were saying.

I was feeling very tired, but I really wanted to stay alert. "Close your eyes, Honey." Kate said.

I closed them.

Next thing I heard was Connor's voice. "Is she okay?"

"I think so."

I felt myself being lifted. "I've got you, Teagan. Let's go home." I opened my eyes long enough to see Connor.

* * *

I woke up in bed. It was dark. My head and body hurt. How did I get here? I sat up and moaned. I needed to get the medication in me. I made my way out of my room. I could hear soft voices talking. "Connor?" I tried to call to him. But, I didn't have enough energy to do anything but whisper. I got to the kitchen. The sink was so far away; I didn't think I'd make it, so I leaned up against the wall.

Kate came out of her bedroom. "She's awake." She came up to me and helped me to the table. "Sit down."

Connor hurried out of his room and handed me a pill and a glass of water. "Thanks," I whispered.

"You want to go back to bed?" he asked.

"In a minute." I took another drink. "What happened?"

"You had a seizure at school," Kate said. "Do you remember any of it?"

"No, nothing."

"What's the last thing you remember?" Connor asked.

"Getting the stuff out of my locker that I needed. Where did it happen?"

"Near the doors," Kate said.

"Did you see it?" I asked.

She shook her head. "Mandi came and got me. You were still seizing when I got to you. You were way too weak to make it to the car so I had them call Connor to come. He carried you."

"Were there a lot of people watching?" I asked.

She nodded. "Yeah."

"Great." I took another drink.

"Why don't you go back to bed?"

I nodded. "Okay."

They helped me back to bed and I slept while the pain medication took my headache away.

* * *

I woke up around midnight. Figures. I needed to get good sleep to avoid having seizures tomorrow. But, I wasn't tired anymore. I decided to get online. Zander was actually still on. He sent me a message. You're up late.

I had a seizure this afternoon. Been sleeping since.

Bummer. Where?"

School.

Oh man. Sorry to hear that.

It was bound to happen at some point. Maybe its better it happened now instead of later. Now they'll know what to expect.

True. Are you feeling better? Haven't heard much from you.

I know. I'm sorry. I just have a lot going on.

I turn eighteen next month, he said out of the blue.

I know. I had already gotten him a card.

I'd really like to come and see you.

I paused. He did? How are you going to manage that?

I dunno yet.

It would be nice to meet you, I told him.

We talked a little longer. Then I emailed Lainey. "I'm feeling a little better even though I had a seizure at school today. I wonder what Monday will bring? Zander told me he wants to come up and meet me. I can't believe he really does. I don't know how he'll swing that. But, wouldn't it be nice. I'm going to try and get some sleep. Talk to you soon. Teagan."

Getting to sleep wasn't easy. I kept thinking about Zander. I curled up in bed for a while thinking about what meeting him would be like. Would it be like we were friends or would it be awkward because we've never met? I finally fell back to sleep.

* * *

The next morning when I got up, nobody else was up, which meant I couldn't shower. I sat down at the table and ate some cereal. A few minutes later, Kate walked in. "Sorry. Did I wake you?"

"No, I've been awake. I heard you so I figured I'd get up." She got her cereal and sat down. "How are you feeling?"

"Better than last night." I smiled. "Thanks Kate, for everything you did yesterday."

"Of course. You don't have to thank me. I'm just glad it was the end of the day and I was already there."

"Did people look like they knew what to do? Or were they all just standing there?"

"I wasn't paying too much attention to what anyone else was doing. Mandi came to get me. When I got to you, your friend, Maddie was kneeling by you. Mrs. Tavi was there by your head. Most of the other kids were just watching. The nurse got there about the same time I did. I told her to get a washcloth. I know how you like that."

"For some reason, it helps. It cools me off, it makes it darker too."

"I had someone call Connor. Once you stopped seizing, I put your head in my lap. You woke up a few minutes later. We just stayed there until Connor got there and he carried you to the car."

"Maybe I should call Mandi and Maddie?"

"Whatever you want to do."

"Can I take a shower?" I asked.

"Sure, go ahead."

I was debating calling my friends after lunch. I was just trying to figure out what to say. My cell phone rang when I was busy, so I yelled to Kate to answer it. "Hello? Sure, hang on."

"It's Maddie."

I almost told her to tell her I was sleeping, but then decided I had to deal with this now. I took the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi Teagan."

"Hi Maddie, what's up?"

"Not much. How are you?"

"I'm okay."

There was an awkward silence. "I just wanted to call... I wanted to make sure you were alright."

"Thanks. I am. I... ah... I hope I didn't scare you too much."

She paused, "Well, it was a little scary. I'm glad you had that assembly; otherwise I think I would have been really freaked out. I've never seen one before. It was... freaky. You really don't feel any of that, 'cause it looked like it hurt."

"No, I don't feel it."

"It's amazing."

"I'm just amazed you're still talking to me," I said.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Some people get really scared off and don't want anything to do with me."

"Nonsense. I'm not like that. But, I'm sure you'll get some comments Monday."

"Yeah. That's what worries me."

"Don't let it," she said.

We talked for a few minutes and then she said she'd meet me at the tree in the school's front yard on Monday. I felt a lot better knowing that she would still be my friend. I talked to Mandi too, who voiced her concern for what happened and told me to be strong.

On Monday morning, I was very jittery. I didn't want to face the people at school. I just wanted to crawl underneath the covers and stay in bed. "Remember you have an appointment with the neurologist tomorrow morning," Connor reminded me when he dropped me off. "Maybe you could get the work you'll miss."

"Yeah." That wasn't exactly at the top of my list right then.

"You'll do fine," he said. "Go in there and show them you're not afraid to come back in school. Hold your head high."

I smiled. "Thanks." I got out of the car and started walking towards the building. I saw Maddie up at the tree with Brad. They waved to me. "Hi," I said, walking up to them.

"Hi," Maddie smiled. "How ya doing?"

"Good. You ready to go in?"

"Ready as I'll ever be."

A lot of people stopped talking and looked at me when I walked by. It was annoying. I knew they were talking about me. But, what could I say or do? "Ignore them," Maddie said.

"Did you see her on Friday?" I heard someone say.

"Yeah, it was freaky."

"Keep walking," Maddie said. "They want you to respond. Well, the not so nice ones anyway. The other kids are just curious."

We walked to our lockers. The locker was the last thing I remember from Friday. Mandi came up to us and gave me a hug. I smiled. "Thanks. I needed that."

"Just remember that you are a great person and nothing nobody else says matters," she said to me.

"Easy for you to say, Mandi. I'm the one who was flapping around like a fish on the floor."

She giggled. "It wasn't quite like a fish."

I laughed. "Close enough."

"Let's go to homeroom," Maddie said. "We'll walk in together."

"You guys are great." I beamed. I was thrilled to have friends that cared enough to go through this with me.

The rest of the day didn't go so bad. I got more looks and heard a few comments, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. Some of the meaner kids were flailing their arms around again. I don't think they realized how stupid they looked! The teachers were sympathetic. Some of the kids asked more questions.
Chapter Eight

The next morning I got up and got ready. "Teagan, we've got to go!" Connor called.

"Coming!" I grabbed my backpack and hurried out to the car.

We drove to the doctor's office. I liked Dr. Logan, he was a real nice guy. I saw him every few months. The office was fairly large. They had four doctors that worked together. I remember going as a child and playing in their playroom. Now, I just sat and read magazines or played on my phone.

Dr. Logan's nurse, Beth, came out and called me in. "Coming?" I asked Connor.

"Yup."

We both got up and followed the nurse into an exam room. "How are you?" Beth asked.

"Okay," I answered.

"Do you have your log with you?"

"Yes, right here." Connor handed it to her.

"Good. Let me take your vitals and I'll give it to the doctor." She took my blood pressure, temperature, and other vitals. Then she took the log and headed out.

We only waited about ten minutes. Dr. Logan came in with the log. "Hi Teagan, how are you?"

"Okay," I said again.

"Connor, good to see you."

"You too, doctor."

Dr. Logan sat down. He had short curly hair. It was brown with a little bit of grey mixed in, making him look a lot older. He had a kind face with eyes that sparkled when he smiled and he tried to smile often. "So, I looked through the log. It didn't look as good as it did last time. You've had more seizures in the past couple months then you had the time before that." I nodded. "You are taking your medication?"

"Of course. Do you think I want all these seizures?" I asked offended.

"No, but some people do well for a while and think they can go off or get tired of taking them or hate the side effects. They just stop and that can create more seizures."

"No, Dr. Logan, I haven't stopped my medication. I take all of it, every day."

"Okay, then I think it's related to stress. Your parents' death, moving, starting a new school are all very stressful things. I think it's putting you at risk for more seizures. How are you feeling emotionally?" he asked.

"Depressed," I admitted. "Nervous, anxious, sad. I could go on."

He smiled. "I get the picture. I want to up your medications and add in an anti-depressant."

I sighed. "Seriously?" Was I that much of a mess?

"Yes, Teagan. Stress or being emotional can cause more seizures. We don't want more seizures, right?"

"Right."

"So, let's do this for a month. Then we'll re-evaluate," he said. "You're still following all of your parents' rules?"

"Yes. Connor is very strict about all of them." I smiled.

"Good. How does she seem at home?" he asked Connor.

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"Is there anything different other than the obvious?"

"No. She's a sweet girl. We love having her. She does seem more depressed. Many times she makes comments on how she doesn't want to burden us. She talked about having the surgery so she could either be better enough to be on her own or become a vegetable so we could leave her in the hospital."

"Hmmm... does she seem to want to hurt herself to help you?"

Shocked, I looked over at him. "What?"

"You mean suicide?" Connor asked, seeming almost as shocked as I was.

"Yes."

"No, I didn't take it that way."

"That is so not what I meant. I just hate making them stay home when they might want to go out or having to have them drive me places or not being able to go out with friends to a movie. I want to be a normal teenager."

"I understand that, Teagan. But, it's not safe. I would say if I could get you to go six months without a seizure, some of those things would be possible."

"But, why couldn't a friend come over and sit with me, we could watch a movie on TV and then they could go out."

Dr. Logan sat back. "Well, if that friend knew what to do, I wouldn't have a problem with that. But, your brother has say over that." He turned to Connor. "If she has a friend you trust, that's not an unreasonable request. It would be good for you too." He looked down through my file. "I also want to get another EEG and MRI. I'll have the nurse bring in your new prescriptions."

"Okay." I sighed.

"How do you really feel about the surgery?"

"Scared."

"Do you want more information on it?"

"I don't know. I don't want to be worse."

"We can do the brain mapping. If we do that and it's in an area that you don't want to have surgery in, we don't have to. If it's in an area that will be okay, we could do it."

"I can look into that."

"Okay." He stood up. "I'll be back." He walked out the door.

I started biting my nail. "What's wrong?" Connor asked.

"I'm getting worse," I said.

"It's just stress. It'll get better again."

"I hope you're right."

Beth came back in with the prescriptions, the orders for the tests and some information on brain mapping. They could actually do the tests there in the building. They went ahead and did the MRI while we were there. They always left appointments open for that. But, I'd have to go back sometime next week for the EEG. I'd actually wean off my medications a little bit for the EEG. I hated that. As much as I hate having to take medication, my life was a hundred times worse when I weaned off for the tests.

We drove to the pharmacy and filled the prescriptions. The pharmacists went over all the side effects and what to do with Connor. Then we went home. At bedtime, I had more pills to take. I picked up the new one and studied it, "So you're supposed to make me happier?" I said to the pill. "Well, let's see what you've got." I swallowed it down.

A week after I had the EEG, they called to say that everything was the same. I didn't expect it to change, so it didn't surprise me. It had always been the same. I hadn't looked at the brain mapping information yet. It sat on my dresser, waiting to be read, but I was still too scared.

The days passed, the anti-depression medication did help. I wasn't so down and upset all the time. I wasn't so anxious. Even the number of seizures went down just a little.
Chapter Nine

Fall was upon us and with it the smell of burning leaves. It brought back so many memories of helping Dad rake up the colorful leaves in the backyard and then we'd all take turns jumping in the heaping pile. Once we were done, he'd burn them, while I watched.

Just last year, Dad and I had sat on the picnic table while the leaves burned, talking. He would pass on stories that his grandparents had told him. I loved to hear all the stories about the old country. If only I had known that was going to be our last fall together.

I was hanging out with Maddie and Mandi a lot. Connor and Kate started to get to know them. They finally trusted us to stay home while they went out. I convinced them to go to dinner and a movie for their anniversary. The girls came over. They brought a couple movies and Connor ordered pizza for us.

Before we left, he sat us all down, "I don't want to embarrass you, Teagan. I just want everyone to know the rules." I nodded. "First, these are our cell phone numbers, the doctor's number, and the medication list. If she has a tonic-clonic seizure, call us. Remember not to hold her down or try to stop her, just move stuff away from her head.

"When she's done, just stay with her until I get home. Don't let her get up. You don't need to call 911 unless it's over five minutes or she has another one immediately afterwards. Then call them too. The absence seizures you don't need to worry about." He paused.

"I ordered pizza. Teagan cannot use the stove or the oven. She cannot shower or take a bath without someone knowing. She cannot be alone in the house ever. She cannot have alcohol or any other drug, not even an over the counter drug without doctor permission. She cannot drive. She cannot swim without someone with her. Same with rollerblading, bike riding or any activity like that. I want you girls to know this so if you're here and you're with her without us being here, you know what she cannot do."

I felt myself blushing. I knew they needed to know this stuff, but it was still embarrassing. "Do you girls have any questions?" Kate asked.

"No, I think we got it," Mandi said.

"Okay, we'll get out of your hair then." Connor smiled. I walked them to the door. "You sure about this?" he asked.

"Yes. It'll be good for all of us. Thank you."

He tousled my hair. "Be good."

"I will," I shut the door behind him. I went back into the living room.

"You really can't cook?" Maddie asked.

"Not on the stove," I answered.

"Wow. That would be nice though, not having to cook for your husband, for your kids," she paused. "Can you have kids?"

"Yeah. It's the medication that's bad to take during pregnancy. I'd probably have to risk it. I don't know if I'll ever have them though."

"Why not?" Mandi asked.

I shrugged. "First of all, what guy would want to marry me? Second, if someone did, and the baby survived, I'd never feel safe about holding her. What if I had a seizure and dropped her?"

"I guess I didn't think of that. There must be a way. Don't people with epilepsy have babies?"

"Sure, but most of them probably have better control over their seizures, I don't."

"So, they don't let you cook because you could have a seizure?" Maddie was trying to understand.

"Yup. I could fall into the stove or take down a hot pan on top of me. It's all safety things." I told them about the seizure I had in the shower and some examples of other things that could happen.

"Wow, sorry to keep asking you questions. I guess it's interesting stuff... when you don't have to live with it. I'm sure it's not interesting to you."

"Gets kind of boring, I guess." I shrugged. "So what movies did you bring?"

She showed me the movies and we picked one and popped it in. We ate the pizza Connor had ordered. We had a really good time giggling over the movie. After the first movie was over, I got out the ice cream and we dug in while watching the second movie. When that one was done, we cleaned up and sat around talking some more.

"So, now that we're friends, can I ask more personal questions?" Maddie asked.

I looked at her and laughed. "I guess. As long as they're not going to leave the room."

She clutched her chest. "I'm hurt." She started laughing. "Come on, I'm not a gossiper."

"Okay, then."

"Have you ever had a boyfriend?"

"No." I shook my head.

"So, you've never kissed anyone?"

"Nope."

"Not even at your last school?"

"I didn't go to school."

"You didn't what?"

"My parents home schooled me because of the seizures."

"Wow... no wonder you were so nervous about starting school. Why didn't you just tell me all this stuff?" she asked.

"I had no idea if you'd end up being a nice person or just nice enough to volunteer as a buddy and then be all stuck up. After a few days, I decided that everyone needed to know about my epilepsy rather than keep it a secret. Just in case."

She nodded. "I guess I understand that."

Connor and Kate came back before midnight. They looked so happy. Refreshed. I felt good that they got out. "See, I'm still alive," I teased.

"I see that. How did it go?"

"Very good," Mandi answered. "She only had a couple seizures, during the movie."

I looked over at her. "I did?"

"Yup. I'm getting good at noticing them." She smiled.

"Good," Connor said.

"How was your night?" I asked them.

"Wonderful. You were right, Teagan. It was nice to get out together."

"Good, I will plan on you letting this happen more often."

He laughed. "Maybe."

I said goodnight to my friends and hugged Connor. "Thank you."

"You are very welcome," he smiled.

"I'm going to get ready and go to bed."

"Okay."

Once I was in bed, I heard Connor and Kate go to their room.
Chapter Ten

As fall and its colors faded, a crisp cold swiftly took its place. The day after Thanksgiving, Christmas lights started popping out all over town. Ironically, snowflakes filled the air that day, making everyone even jollier than normal. It used to be a happy time, but this year it was a very sad time in our family.

Our parents had the most wonderful Christmases. It was always so warm and loving in the house. We'd all go chop down a tree, decorate, sing carols, and just love being together. Christmas Eve would bring church, story telling, and a taste of the Christmas Day to come. And then there was Christmas Day, the most wonderful day of the year.

My mom was like a little kid. She would wake us up and we'd all rush downstairs to see what Santa had left, even long after we knew about Santa. Dad would light a fire in the fireplace, Mom would make hot cocoa and we'd open our presents. We'd get to play a while and we always talked to family in Ireland before having a huge Christmas dinner. I remember how glad Mom was when Kate came to dinner; she was thrilled to have one more person to feed.

I only had one tonic-clonic seizure on a Christmas Day. It was when I was twelve. Mom didn't let it ruin anything. The rest of present opening was suspended until I was awake again. I spent the day on the couch. Mom made sure I enjoyed every minute I could.

This Christmas was different. I didn't want it to come. I didn't want to have it without Mom and Dad. I didn't want a tree, didn't want to decorate, and didn't want to sing. I wanted to forget it. A week before, Connor and I actually argued over it. "Teagan, it's Christmas!"

"I don't care. I don't want to celebrate it." I closed the door.

He threw it back open. "I know you are hurting. I am too. Don't you think I want Mom and Dad to be here? Don't you think I need them too? Christmas was Mom's favorite holiday. She would be crushed if we didn't celebrate it. Let's honor her and have a Christmas."

I started sobbing. "But... it makes it more real... I keep thinking that Mom wouldn't leave us for Christmas..."

"She didn't. She's here. She's in my heart and she's in your heart."

Connor and Kate went to get a tree, I stayed in the car. They decorated it and the house. They put on Christmas music and I even saw them dancing to it.

On Christmas Eve, I refused to go to church, but Connor wouldn't have it. "Teagan Kavanagh, I am going and Kate is going and that means you are going. Don't make me drag you. You don't have to be happy about it, but you are not ruining it for us."

I pouted. "Okay."

So, I went with them. I knelt down before God and told Him how mad I was that He took my mom and dad. I told Him how I hated Him for it. Then I told Him how mad I was about my epilepsy. "How could You do this to me? First You give me this horrible disease and then You take away my parents?" I yelled in my head. "Now, my poor brother is stuck with me. Why me? Why them?" Tears poured down my face.

Suddenly, I felt warm and fuzzy. It was almost like an aura, but it wasn't. It was Mom. I felt Mom. I heard her voice, "I love you, Teagan," she said. "Trust in the Lord with all thy heart," she whispered. As quickly as the warmness came, it was gone.

Connor leaned over. "Are you okay?"

I nodded unable to say anything. God had listened. My mother had spoken. I bowed my head and prayed for forgiveness.

When we got home, I went to the stereo and turned on a Christmas carol. "Teagan, it's late."

"Just give me a minute, Connor." He nodded and they sat down.

I played "O Holy Night". It was a song my mother used to love to hear me sing. The lights were all off but the tree. And I sang. I sang like I had never sung before.

When I was done, I turned it off and sat down. Connor and Kate both had tears in their eyes. "Forgive me for my ill feelings this past month. I just... I missed Mom and Dad and I figured Christmas couldn't happen without them. But, I was wrong. God showed me that tonight."

Connor and Kate exchanged looks. "Did you have a seizure tonight?"

"No Connor, I felt Mom. I heard her. She told me that she loved me and she told me to trust in God." I smiled through my tears. "So, I will see you in the morning."

* * *

Morning came. I smiled when I woke up, remembering the night before. I felt somehow peaceful. Like Mom was there. That she was watching. Maybe she still held my hand when I had a seizure. Part of me just knew she had to be watching over me somehow. She was always doing that and now I knew death couldn't stop her. I got up and slowly walked into the living room. I didn't want to wake Connor or Kate if they weren't up. The tree was beautiful and the presents filled the space underneath.

Like a child, I peeked in my red stocking, hoping it was full. I smiled as I found it filled with candy. Connor would carry on Mom's traditions as long as he could. If he had children, he would pass them on. Mom and Dad would live on in those traditions and in the stories we told.

Feeling peaceful was wonderful. It didn't make me miss them less, but it made me feel better. I felt them and that's what I needed.

I sat on the couch until my brother came out of his room. "Teagan! Why didn't you wake us up?"

"I didn't want to wake you," I answered. "It's Christmas. You deserve to sleep in a little bit."

He chuckled. "Well, thank you." He walked over and gave me a big hug, "Merry Christmas, little sis."

"Merry Christmas to you too. I love you," I told him.

"I love you, too."

Kate walked out and yawned. "Good morning!"

"Merry Christmas, Kate." I got up and gave her a big hug.

She smiled. "Merry Christmas to you too, Teagan."

Connor made hot chocolate just like Mom would have. We sat in the living room and opened our presents. It was a wonderful Christmas morning. I really felt my parents there. Connor made it as perfect as it could be.

Kate's parents had invited us for dinner. I dreaded going. I was scared I would have a seizure in front of everyone. They weren't just having us. Her brother, his wife and daughter would be there as well as Kate's aunts, uncles, and cousins. I had met many of them. They all knew about my epilepsy. But, knowing about it and seeing a tonic-clonic seizure were two totally different things.

I sat on my bed thinking about ways to get out of going, but I knew there weren't any options. I couldn't stay home; there was nobody to babysit. I couldn't go somewhere else, there were no invitations. I sighed, knowing I had to go. I had to do this for them. I had to enjoy the night. I finished putting on my make-up just as the phone rang.

"Teagan! Grandma is on the phone!" Connor called.

I picked up another phone and got to talk to all my relatives over in Ireland. They told us how much they loved us and missed us and begged us to go visit. "We'll pay for it," Papa said.

"I know, Papa. It's just the timing right now. Maybe this summer or next. With work and being married it's much harder to go on vacation."

"I know," Papa said. "I just want to give you all a squeeze. We miss you so much. Teagan, why don't you come for a while? Then Connor you could come and get her?"

"She can't do that, Papa. She can't go alone."

"You sound just like your mother. She overprotected that child."

"No Papa," I said. "Connor is right. I could have a seizure on the plane and no access to a hospital. We'd have to come together. Or you could come here."

He scoffed. "America, such a dream of your parents. Look where they ended up."

"Stop it," Grandma scolded him. "Maybe we will come visit. We'll see. In the meantime, you two have a wonderful Christmas and take care of each other. We love you."

My grandparents hated the fact that my parents came here to start a new life. They missed them horribly. Now, they were dead and left us behind. My grandparents had begged me to go live there, but I knew the access to hospitals, specialists, medication would be limited, so I didn't go.

A few minutes after hanging up, we left for dinner.

Kate's parents welcomed me with open arms as they always did. I met a few relatives I hadn't met before. I was still very nervous that I would have a huge seizure with all these people watching.

We sat down to dinner, the savory smell of it made my mouth water. I sat next to Connor and one of Kate's cousins. Kate's dad said grace and then they served the meal. It looked so good. I hadn't had a meal like this since my parents died. I missed that too.

It tasted even better than it looked. It was scrumptious. There were twenty people seated at the table. They were all talking and laughing. Having a big family would be so nice. I missed our relatives in Ireland. I didn't know them very well, but I wanted to have this kind of big family thing all the time.

I felt something on my leg. I looked down, Connor was holding my hand. I looked over at him. He just smiled at me. I smiled back perplexed. I looked around the table; everyone was still eating and talking. I must have had a seizure. Connor must have realized it. He let go and continued eating.

After dinner, we sat around talking. Kate's family included me in the conversation asking me about school and friends. "So, Kate, when are you two going to have some children?" Kate's Aunt Aideen asked.

Kate blushed. "I'm not sure."

"Oh come on, you've been married for a year now. It's time to start."

"We're trying to get more stable before we add children to our lives," Kate said.

"You do want children, don't you?" she asked.

"Yes, Aunt Aideen. We do want children," Kate answered.

I wondered if they would have children. I wondered if they wanted to wait until I was out of the house. But, would I ever be?

We left earlier than most the others. I knew it was because of me, and I hated it. I took my medication when we got home and thanked Connor and Kate for a wonderful day.

* * *

Christmas vacation was very hard on everyone. I couldn't be alone and they had to work. "I've got Monday and Tuesday," Connor said to Kate. I could hear them from my room. "You've got Thursday and Friday, but neither of us can take off Wednesday?"

"I've got some appointments."

"Me too." My brother sighed.

"She hasn't had a seizure in a while, maybe she'll be okay," Kate said.

"No," I heard Connor say. "She's not staying by herself."

I walked into the kitchen where they were hovering over their schedules. "What about Maddie? Or Mandi?"

They looked up at me. "Your friends?"

"Yeah. Maybe they could come spend the day?" I suggested.

Connor and Kate looked at each other and nodded. "That would be very helpful. Do you think you could call them and find out?"

"Sure." I picked up the phone.

I called both of my friends and both said they'd love to come and hang out Wednesday. Connor and Kate were relieved. I was glad I could finally do something to help them out.
Chapter Eleven

It was the end of January. I had passed my mid-term exams. My schoolwork was still easy. I didn't let anyone know that though. It was hard enough just trying to be normal. Finding out I was smart too, that could be disastrous in high school.

I was walking with Maddie in the cafeteria. We had just gotten our lunch. Maddie and I had the same old thing; a sandwich, fruit and a drink. We spotted our usual table and headed towards it.

Something smelled funny. "Do you smell that?" I asked her.

"Smell what?"

I shrugged. "Something."

"No."

As we walked towards the table, I noticed it looked like it was further away. I tried to focus, but couldn't. I knew then. It was inevitable. I wouldn't make it to the table.

* * *

A sterile smell tickled my nose. I felt cold. My head pounded. Slowly, I opened my eyes. The bright light was blinding to my sensitive eyes. I quickly shut them again. My head pounded harder. I whimpered. What happened? Where was I?

I brought my hands up to my head. I felt bandages. What was going on? I forced my eyes open. Immediately, I could tell I was in a hospital. As my eyes began to focus, I realized that Connor was sleeping in the corner. I swallowed and licked my lips. "Connor?" I whispered. My throat was dry. "Connor?"

He stirred and opened his eyes. He saw me and smiled. "Well, hi there." He stood up and walked over to the bed. His hair was a mess and he looked horrible. "How do you feel?"

"My head hurts."

He smiled. "I bet."

"Why am I here?" I asked.

He sat down on the bed. "You had a seizure in school yesterday, hit your head on a table on the way down."

"Yesterday?"

"Yeah, you've been out for about twenty hours."

"That would explain the bandages." I sighed.

"Your head hit hard. Cut it open. They stitched it up real good though," he explained. "Your friend, Maddie, she got help right away."

"It's been a long time since I've hurt myself during a seizure."

"I know. It'll be okay, Teagan."

A nurse walked in the room. "Hi, I'm April. Did you just wake up?" she asked.

"Yeah, a few minutes ago."

"How are you feeling?" she asked tossing her long, black hair behind her shoulder.

"My head is pounding," I said.

"I will get you something for that. Everything else okay?"

"Yes."

"Okay, I'll be right back." She smiled at Connor.

"She likes you," I teased him.

"How can you tell?"

"I just can. When a girl smiles like that, another girl can tell."

"Whatever." He laughed rolling his eyes.

"Where's Kate?"

"She went home to take a nap. She was here all night."

"She is so good, Connor. You married one of the good ones."

"I know." He blushed.

April walked back in and gave me the pain medication. "Thank you." I smiled. "Do I get to go home now?"

"No, the doctor wants to keep you here tonight. If everything is good, you can go home tomorrow."

"Seriously?" She nodded. Stuck here another night. I hated being in the hospital.

"I'll stay with you."

"No, it's okay," I told him. "I'll be fine. You should go home and get some sleep. Go take a break. It's not like you get them often."

Connor reluctantly agreed, but refused to leave before I ate my dinner. He promised he would go then and have a night with his wife. The medication helped somewhat. Not as much as usual. I guessed that was the result of hitting my head as I went down.

"If anything happens, they will call you." I pointed to the nurses. "Go home." I smiled trying to make him feel better about leaving.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I love you for wanting to stay. It's okay, go."

He nodded and kissed my forehead. "You call me if you need anything."

"I will," I promised. He nodded and hesitated before finally walking out the door.

* * *

Shortly after Connor left, someone knocked on the door. "Come on in," I called.

The door opened. Maddie and Mandi walked in. "Hey, how are you?"

I smiled, blood rushing to my face again. "Hi guys. I'm okay."

"Really?"

"Really. I bumped my head, but it'll go away," I said.

Maddie scoffed. "Bumped? More like smashed your head. One second you're talking about a smell and the next BAM! On the floor." She shook her head.

"Well, it does hurt a whole lot."

"I bet." She laughed.

Mandi sat down. "The teachers gave me your homework for the week. It'll give you something fun to do."

"Yeah, that's it," I said sarcastically.

"When will you be getting out of here?" Mandi asked.

"Tomorrow." I turned towards Maddie. "Was there a lot of blood? Connor said I needed stitches."

"Some, not a lot," she answered.

"Everyone talking?" I asked, worried about going back to school.

"I guess. Lots of people saw this one so they'll talk for a while, it's not a big deal," Mandi answered.

We all talked for a little while longer. April stuck her head in at eight o'clock. "Visiting hours are over."

Maddie and Mandi said goodbye and then they left. I turned out the light and went to sleep.

* * *

In the morning, Dr. Logan came to see me. "Good morning, Teagan."

"Good morning."

"Starting off the new year with a trip to the hospital," he joked.

"I gave it a few weeks," I joked back.

"Are you feeling okay?" he asked.

"My head hurts, but other than that, I feel fine."

"You hit it pretty good. I hear you slept for almost a whole day."

I nodded. "That's what Connor said."

"Have you gotten up yet?"

"Yes, I've been to the bathroom a few times."

"Any dizziness?"

"No."

"Well, I don't see any reason to keep you here. So, I'm going to discharge you today. Have you thought any more about the surgery?" he asked.

"Yes. I have. But, I don't know what to do. Isn't it for people who have a different kind of seizure?"

"It depends on where the seizure starts. We would have to do the brain mapping and find out where yours start. If it is in one area and then spreads, it's possible that surgery could help you. If your entire brain seizes at once, the surgery wouldn't help. I can't know that unless we do the mapping."

"If we did that and it was in one spot and I had the surgery, what are the success rates?" I asked.

"Well, about 60% of people are then seizure free, another 30% have a great reduction in seizures and the last 10% have no changes."

"And there's a risk of dying or being in a coma."

"It's rare, but the risk is there."

"I'll think more about it. But, I'm not sure I'd do it before I graduated high school."

"Fair enough. Think about it real good though. It might be your best chance at a normal life."

It was on my mind when Connor picked me up. I didn't bring it up though, I didn't want to upset him. I knew he wasn't too sure about the surgery and if I wanted it, I would have to convince him. "Did you have a good night?" I asked on the car ride home.

"Yes, it was very nice. Thanks for banging your head and making that possible," he teased me.

"Anytime..."

"No," he interrupted. "No more bumping heads."

"Okay," I said. My head still really hurt. I lay down on the couch when we got home and vegged out for the rest of the day.

* * *

The next day I found enough energy to get up and get online to check my email. Zander had written many times. He was online when I signed on. He messaged me right away. Teagan, talk to me.

I put my fingers on the keys. I'm here. I wrote.

How are you?

Okay.

I've missed you.

I felt bad. Sorry. I've been blah lately. I've missed you too.

Is everything okay? he asked.

Yeah. I had to spend a night at the hospital.

Why?

I had a seizure in school. Bumped my head.

That sucks.

Sure does.

We talked for a couple hours. He filled me in on his life, told me a little about how Lainey was doing. I still want to come see you.

I'd love that, but how?

I'm not sure. I'm thinking about it. He wrote. I just really want to meet you.

Why? I'm nothing special.

But, you are. You are the bravest girl I've ever met. You are loving, caring, honest, what else could a guy want?

You're young. You'll find someone better.

There isn't anyone better than you.

I laughed out loud. Maybe someone who doesn't have epilepsy? I typed.

Who would want that?

I didn't respond right away. You really want to meet me?

Yes.

I want to meet you, too.

Lainey joined in. Hey there.

Hi. I wrote back to her.

What's up? she asked.

Messaging with Zander.

Oh, I can go.

No, I like talking to you too.

Sure? she asked.

Yes, I answered.

Zander said, We'll figure something out. But, I've gotta go right now.

Okay, talk to you later, I responded.

Now, it was just Lainey and me. You okay? I asked her.

Just bummed, she responded.

Why?

Had a seizure this morning. I just don't feel like myself.

Yeah, I know how that feels.

I overheard my parents fighting again. I just can't take this crap anymore. All they ever do is fight. She typed.

I'm sorry.

I can't wait to get out of here.

I don't think I'll ever get out of here, I wrote.

Maybe we should all just runaway. Start our own epilepsy community.

I laughed. LOL, that would be great.

She typed a smiley face. How have you been?

I ended up in the hospital. Had a TC seizure at school. Hit my head on the table on my way down.

Oh that sucks.

Yeah. They said I was out for twenty hours or so.

Wow!

Wasn't fun.

After talking to her for another hour, we said goodbye and I closed my laptop.

* * *

Going back to school was harder than what I thought it would be. It seemed like everyone was noticing me, remembering what happened in the cafeteria. It was hard to walk by the whispers. I felt like screaming at them. I don't want this to happen! Do you think I like having a seizure in front of everybody?

As I walked to homeroom, some kid yelled, "Freak!" I tried to ignore it, but it really hurt.

I hid in the bathroom in between classes. I didn't want to be to class early and I figured if I rushed, I wouldn't be taking the time to listen to the whispers.

On Thursday, I got a card from Zander. It was so sweet. In it he wrote: Sending lots of hugs until I can be there and give them to you myself. I smiled. I jumped online and sent him a thank you.

"Hey, Teagan, are you coming to the dance tonight?" Maddie asked Friday at school.

I shook my head. "Nah."

"Why not?"

I looked over at her. "Are you serious? Why would I want to sit and watch everyone else have fun?"

"You'd have fun." She pushed her hair behind her ears.

"Really? With who?"

"Me."

"And who are you going with?"

"Brad."

"Right. You need to be having fun with him. Not me. You certainly don't need me to hang around and ruin your evening."

"We'll find you a guy to bring."

I laughed. "That's funny."

"Seriously."

"Oh, okay... who?"

She looked around. Then she got up and went to a group of guys. I could tell she was talking to them and they were shaking their heads. She walked away and went to another table and started talking to them. They started shaking their heads. After about five minutes, she came back looking very upset. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"I'm not having any luck." She sighed. "I don't get it."

"You don't?"

"No."

"Okay, I'll explain it to you. I have epilepsy. Nobody in their right mind wants to date a girl who has it," I told her.

"But that's wrong."

"To you and me, maybe. But, to them... well, it freaks them out. You and I are friends, but remember the first time you saw me have one. You, yourself, said it was freaky. I know they're freaky and I've never seen one. They just happen to me. To be honest, if I was normal, I don't think I'd want to date someone who could drop and have a seizure at any minute," I rambled.

"But, you're so pretty. You are such a good person. They shouldn't say no just because you might have a seizure."

"I know. But, it happens." I sighed. "Now, I need some chocolate." I eyed her brownie.

She laughed and handed me half. "There you go."

"Thank you," I mumbled, stuffing my face with the rich, chocolaty brownie.

I skipped the dance that night, but I thought about it a lot. My friends were there with their boyfriends. They were dancing, singing, laughing and having a good time. I was stuck home watching TV. It sucked.

* * *

Lainey sent me an email. "Upped my meds again last week. Haven't had a seizure since. Maybe it's working this time. I would be so happy to be free of them for a while. To think about not talking about it for a month even, that would be wonderful. I'm really going crazy here, Teagan. My parents just keep fighting. It's awful. I wish I could just get up and leave. Why does this condition have to limit us so much? Talk to you later. Lainey."

I sighed. She sounded like me. I guess after so many years of daily seizures, a person starts to get worn down. I replied to her email. "Lainey, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know how you feel. I'm glad that the meds seem to be working. I hope they continue to work forever. Can you ask your parents to stop fighting when you're home? I have hope that they will someday find a cure for epilepsy. Hang in there. Teagan."
Chapter Twelve

On Saturday, I was sitting in the living room watching TV. Kate was sitting in the recliner reading a book and Connor was typing on his laptop. I was watching some medical show on Discovery Health. I liked watching them. They helped to make me see that I'm not alone in this world. There are other people who have worse diseases or problems than I have.

I felt very weird for a few seconds and then everything went black.

I woke up to my all too familiar pounding head, the one that told me I had had a seizure. It wasn't nice. Kate was in the room; I could hear her talking gently to me. I couldn't quite make out the words yet. I licked my lips and tried to open my eyes. After blinking a few times, Kate came into focus. She smiled. "Hey there. Connor is getting your meds."

I closed my eyes and nodded. Kate put the washcloth on my forehead. Connor walked in. "She's awake."

"Good. Here." He put a pill in my mouth and gave me the water. I drank some.

"Thanks," I whispered.

"Sleep now," Kate said. "We'll be here." She squeezed my hand before letting go.

I tried to smile and closed my eyes. Quickly, I drifted to sleep.

Later on, I woke up and went to the bathroom. I went back to my room to write in my journal. Connor came in looking unsure. He stood there for a minute, his green eyes looking sad. He handed me a DVD. "This is what you wanted. I wasn't going to do it, but I had the camera out."

I nodded knowing what it was. "Thank you." He nodded, thrusting his hands into the pockets of his jeans, and slowly left the room. I put the DVD down on my desk. I couldn't watch it just yet.

Later that night, I stuck it the DVD into my laptop. I clicked on the play button and watched what Connor had captured on video. The first few scenes were of me staring off into space. One while watching TV, one while doing homework, and one eating dinner. It was weird. I just stopped whatever it was I was doing, stared off for a little bit and then picked right back up where I had left off like no time had passed.

The next part was my last tonic-clonic seizure. I was on the floor near the couch. Connor placed the camera down on something so it could record what it needed to. First my body stiffened. My coloring changed. I looked a bit blue. Then all of a sudden, my arms and legs began jerking around. I could see Connor and Kate pushing away furniture and sitting near me. They didn't touch me, didn't try to stop it, they just waited for the seizure to stop. Finally, my body stopped moving and my head dropped to the side a little. The seizure was over.

I could see tears running down Connor's face. After I stopped seizing, he scooped me up in his arms and carried me away. A few minutes later he came back and turned the camera off.

I wiped away my tears. It definitely was freaky to watch myself on video. But, now I could see what other people saw. I put the DVD away on my shelf. I wasn't sure I'd ever watch it again, but I figured I'd keep it just in case.

As Maddie and her boyfriend grew closer, he started sitting with us at lunch and was around in between classes. I didn't mind it much and he seemed to get more relaxed around me. I only wished I had someone to be with.

There was a guy in English class that was really cute. He didn't have a girlfriend that I knew of. He said hi to me, but never anything else. To be with him... to be a normal girl out on a normal date, that would be wonderful. But, right now, I had to be satisfied with just dreaming about him. Dreaming about any guy. Most of the time, my dreams would have Zander in them.

* * *

"Teagan, you've been distracted about something lately. What is it?" Connor asked me.

I just shrugged. "Nothing important."

"It's something."

I sighed. "It's just... I want to be normal. I want to be liked... by a boy."

He blushed a little. "Oh. You will."

"Now. My friends have boyfriends. I want one too."

"There is someone for you out there."

"I don't need to find the perfect guy right now. Just going out on a few dates with different guys would be great. Some guy to show interest would be nice," I ranted.

"You are a beautiful girl, Teagan. It'll happen." He kept trying to reassure me.

"I hope you're right."

Colder temperatures gave way to warmer ones. The grass turned green again, the trees started to come alive. Bright colored Tulips popped up in the gardens. Birds chirped. I was in better spirits. Spring was always a good time - a time when the world wakes up. Everyone seemed happier in the spring.

I read my emails after school every day. Lainey was getting more and more impatient at home. Zander was still hoping to come after he graduated. I hadn't brought that up with Connor and Kate yet. What would I say? This guy from the Internet was going to come and meet me. That wouldn't fly. I'd just have to wait and see what happens. Maybe he can stay in a motel and I can introduce him some other way. I knew there would be no way Connor would let him take me out. But, maybe he'd let him come over and visit.

* * *

Dr. Logan kept me on the anti-depressant medication. He said there was an improvement in the number of seizures in the last few months. According to my log and his notes, the number of seizures I had been having was cut in half. Knowing this, I felt better about myself.

Having the online resources I did helped a great deal. I loved being a helper on the teen epilepsy message boards. I loved having the friends I did on there. I enjoyed talking to other people like me. I was reading through posts people had made and Zander messaged me.

Hey there. He typed.

Hi.

I told my parents I was going to leave when I graduated.

Really?

They didn't freak out real bad. They just asked a lot of questions.

That's good.

I can't wait. I want to meet you so bad.

I smiled. Me too.

We talked about school and music for a while. I got tired and went to bed by eleven.

After a depressing email I got from Lainey, I decided I had to call her. "Hello?"

"Lainey, it's Teagan."

"Oh hi, Teagan! It's so nice to hear from you!" She sounded a little happier.

"I got your email. You seemed really depressed. I wanted to see how you were," I said. "Everything okay."

"No, but I'm dealing with it," she answered. "My dad is moving out. My mom is a mess. The stress doesn't help, ya know?"

"Yeah, I know. You doing okay?"

"I had a seizure yesterday, sucked. At least my parents stopped fighting for ten minutes. Teagan... have you ever thought of maybe going off the meds? I mean... maybe if I keep having seizures, they'll stay together."

I felt bad for her. She was really going through a lot. "No, Lainey, you can't do that. You could go into status epilepticus. That would be really bad. Your parents are going to split even if you do that. Don't risk your health." I tried to talk her out of that idea. "My parents would have died no matter what. Not taking my meds wouldn't change that."

"That's different."

"Maybe. But, please don't do that."

"Do you ever think about just stopping?"

"Sure. I'd love to throw all those pills down the drain. But, then what? I'd have so many seizures that I'd probably be brain dead."

"Yeah. I hate it here," she said sadly.

"I can't imagine what it must be like to be in the middle of all that fighting. I'm sorry you have to go through that. Is there someplace you can go to get away from it?"

"Not really. My parents are real strict about it."

"How about your bedroom? Play some music. Read a book. Type an email." I tried to give her some suggestions.

"Yeah, I try to do that. I just wish the seizures would go away so that I could be independent."

"I know what you mean. Maybe we can text more often."

"Sure, that would be cool."

We talked for a while longer and then said our goodbyes. I felt bad for her. She was alone in a house where all they did was fight. I wished I could help her somehow. I wished I could pick her up and go out to a movie. But, that would never happen.

* * *

I went almost a month without a tonic-clonic seizure. It was a record for me. Never had I gone that long without having one. But, they caught up with me hard. It was like my brain was saying "gave you a break, now it's time to pay up". I was in English class when it happened. I could feel it coming on, but I couldn't stop it. I tried to alert Mandi, but I couldn't talk. I tried to grab at her hand before everything went black.

"Beep... beep... beep..."

Even with my eyes closed, the lights bothered me. My head was pounding again. I put my hand over my eyes to make it darker.

"Here, Teagan," I heard Kate. She moved my hand and put something cool over my eyes.

"What happened?" I asked.

"You had a double seizure at school," she answered.

"Double?"

"Yeah. The school called 911."

"Hospital?"

"Yeah. You were still seizing when the ambulance got there. They gave you medicine to stop and the hospital is keeping you overnight."

"Again?" I grumbled

"Yeah, just to be safe. You haven't had a seizure like this in years. And you've been out for quite a while."

I sighed. "Okay."

I felt her touch my hand. "I'll be here if you want to go back to sleep."

"Where's Connor?" I asked.

"He went to get some dinner."

"Good." I mumbled and drifted off to sleep.

When I woke up again, the sun was shining through the window. I was able to focus and I pushed the button on my bed to raise myself up. My head wasn't pounding anymore. I tried to remember what happened, but no memory of it came back. I did remember Kate telling me something about a double seizure. Figures. I was doing so well. I couldn't remember the last time I went so long without a seizure and I couldn't remember the last time I had a double seizure.

"Hello Miss Teagan." Dr. Logan walked in the room.

"Hi Dr. Logan."

"How are you feeling?"

"Better."

"Good. So, you went ahead and had a double, huh?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I figured I'd try something different."

He laughed. "Glad to see you still have your sense of humor." He listened to my heart and lungs. He checked my vitals and sat down. "There doesn't seem to be any brain damage or head injury. I think you can go home now. Keep taking the medicine."

"Do you think this was just a one time thing?"

"Yeah. In your case, I think it is. Did you think about surgery?"

"Yes. I'm still not sure. I was thinking about going ahead with the brain mapping part to see if it's even an option."

"The surgery has come a long way in the last few years. In 2004, we couldn't help a lot of people with your kind of seizures. In the past year though, we've been able to. It doesn't usually cure it. To be honest, with your seizures, I could see you having to stay on your meds. Maybe with the combination of meds and the surgery, you would have very few seizures, if any," he said. "I don't think we'll be able to fix you completely."

"I understand. Can we do the mapping now?"

"You said you wanted to wait for after graduation?"

"Yes. For the surgery."

"Then I'd wait. We like to do it at the same time. Do the mapping first and see what it says and if we think we can operate, go ahead and do it then."

"Oh. I see." I was a little disappointed. I wanted to know now if I was even a candidate for the surgery.

"If you really want to wait for graduation, we'll do it all then. If you want the surgery now, we could do that too."

"What?" Connor and Kate walked in. "What's going on?"

"I was just asking about the surgery," I said.

"Teagan... I don't know about that. Mom and Dad were always against it."

"It's my life, Connor." I raised my voice.

"Yes it is. But, you're still a minor, Teagan."

"Oh, that's how you're going to play it," I said sarcastically.

"Yes. You need my permission for that surgery and it's not going to happen right now," he stated sternly.

The doctor stood up. "Connor, we were just talking about options, that's all. She can go home now. Make sure she rests up today and stays on the same dosages. She can go back to school in a day or two." He waved and walked out of the room.

"You didn't have to make a scene."

"I don't like the idea of you having brain surgery," he said.

"It might be my only option," I responded.

"Maybe. But, I think it's something we should talk about and decide before setting it up."

"I wasn't setting it up. I thought maybe they could do the tests to find out if I can even have the surgery. But, he said they do the mapping right before the scheduled surgery. I guess they cancel it if they can't do anything."

"It's brain surgery, Teagan!"

"To give me a better life."

"You don't like your life?"

I hesitated, not sure how to word how I was feeling. "Not really. I love you and Kate. School is even okay. But, if I'm ever to be on my own, I will need this surgery."

He shook his head. "I don't know... I just don't know. Lets get out of here; we'll talk about it some other time."

I nodded. Connor left to sign all the papers. Kate helped me up and helped me get dressed. "He's just concerned."

"I know. I still don't know what to do. I'm trying to have an open mind. This is killing me, Kate. I feel so weak after a seizure. I feel helpless and sad. I don't want to be a burden. I want to be able to go out. There's just so much to think about. So much going into the decision," I said.

I felt very dizzy. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." I sat back down on the bed. I took some deep breaths. "This sucks."

Kate took my hand. "It'll be okay." She was so beautiful, inside and out. I was genuinely happy for Connor.

"Thanks, Kate."

"For what?"

"Being a great sister."

She smiled. "I'd do anything for you, Teagan."

"I know," I said. When Connor came back in, he brought a wheelchair. I nodded and sat down. "You always know what I need. This last seizure has made me feel so weak." I sat down and let him push me to the car. Kate helped me in the car while Connor returned the wheelchair.

The ride home was quiet. I sat in the back seat and watched the houses go by. All these people living normal lives - going to school or work, finding the love of their life, having children, living happily. Would I ever be happy? It didn't seem fair.

When we got home, they helped me inside. "I'm going to go lay down," I told them.

"Okay, do you need anything?" Connor asked.

I shook my head. "No thanks."

I walked towards the room. "She seems really weak today," Kate said to Connor.

"Yeah," he responded. "The doctor said she might be weaker than usual. He said to check on her often."

"Okay."

I closed my door a little and curled up in a ball on the bed. It was so much more comfortable then that hospital bed. I closed my eyes and drifted off easily.

The phone rang. I opened my eyes and sat up. Glancing at the clock, I realized it was two hours later. I got up and walked out into the living room. "Oh, she's awake, hold on." Kate covered the mouthpiece of the phone. "It's Mandi, are you up to talking to her?"

I nodded. "Sure." I took the phone. "Hey Mandi." Kate went into her bedroom and closed the door.

"Hi," she said. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just real tired," I answered.

"Oh. Will you be back to school tomorrow?"

"Maybe. The doctor said it would be okay, but I just feel so blah, I don't know if I'll be able to make it through the whole day."

"Have you had many of those long seizures before?" she asked.

"No, I think I only had one as a kid. This would be my second. I don't remember a lot. Let me ask you... what was it like?"

"What?"

"The seizure? Was it just really long?"

"Well... you grabbed my arm seconds before you fell off the chair. Then you just seized for the usual couple minutes. I thought it was done, but a few seconds later, you had another seizure and that one just kept going. I think it was about five minutes. I don't know. It felt like five hours!" She explained. "Mrs. McGee called the nurse and she called 911 after the second seizure started."

"Thanks, it helps me to understand what I'm going back to. It's always so hard to return to school after a seizure. I just never know how anyone is going to react."

"I think most people are getting used to it. Well, as much as anyone can be used to something like that."

"Yeah, I guess." I thanked her for calling and hung up.

I wandered into the kitchen and started looking through the cupboards. I was hungry. I decided on some cereal. I got out a bowl and spoons. Then I got the box of cereal. All of a sudden I realized the cereal was overflowing all over the table. "Darn," I muttered. I tried to clean it up. Tears welled up in my eyes. I leaned against the counter and slid down to the floor. I hugged my knees and started sobbing.

Connor and Kate came in. "Teagan?"

"Teagan, what's going on?" Kate sat down next to me.

"I... I... I just wanted some cereal."

"Okay, I'll get you some."

I shook my head. "I want to do it. For once... I want to do something for myself." I sniffled. "But, I can't. It's not fair!" I closed my eyes. My body shook with the sobs.

"No, it's not fair. But, there isn't anything we can do about it today," Kate said, stressing the word today and glancing at Connor. "Let's go wash your face and I'll help you get something to eat. Okay?"

Slowly, I nodded. "Okay." She helped me up and we went to the bathroom. She got a warm washcloth and I washed my face.

"Feel better?" she asked.

"Yeah, thanks." I dabbed my eyes. I waited a few minutes and then we went back to the kitchen.

Connor had cleaned up the spilled cereal. Kate told me to sit down and she started making sandwiches. We all ate around the table and tried to be normal and happy. 'Thank you," I said, after lunch and walked back to my room.

I sat on the bed for a while. I held my diary in my hands. I wanted to write in it, but I didn't know what to say. I put it back down and walked over to the computer. I sat down and pulled up my email.

I knew Lainey and Zander would be in school, but I sent them an email. "Hey guys. I'm home today. Had a double yesterday. I had the luxury of spending the night in the hospital after the school called 911. I started thinking some more about that surgery, but Connor seems against me getting it. I don't know what to do. I probably won't be on much today. This seizure wiped me out. I'll talk to you both soon. Love, Teagan."

I was very weak the next couple days. Everyone decided I should stay home and go back to school after the weekend.
Chapter Thirteen

Over the weekend, I talked a lot to Lainey and Zander. We spent a lot of time in the chat room. We would just stay signed in and go back and forth throughout the day, just being there for each other as best we could. No explanations. Just there. Each of us going through something different. Each of us needing a friend. And none of us has anyone who really understands close by. These were friendships built to last.

Later that weekend, I overheard a conversation between Connor and Kate. "What are we going to do about summer?" Kate asked.

"I don't know," Connor responded. "Any ideas?"

"No. You?"

"No, not really. I can't think of what to do. Neither of us can take off two months."

"What about hiring somebody?" Kate suggested.

"She'll hate us," Connor said.

"What else can we do?"

"Can we afford that?" he asked.

"We might have to use some of your parents' money."

"Who do we get?"

"I don't know."

"Are there any camps she could go to?"

"I don't know."

"I guess we have some thinking to do."

Neither of them asked me what I thought. Neither even told me what they were thinking about. I decided to do my own research – I found a couple camp options. Then I remembered that Zander had been to a camp before. He wasn't online, so I texted him and asked about it. He immediately called me raving about the camp he had been to once as a camper and once as a counselor. "Why?" he asked.

I told him I needed to find something to do this summer to help Connor and Kate out. "If I'm at camp, they can go to work." His camp was one of the ones I had bookmarked, so I pulled it back up and did more research on it.

The next weekend, I asked Connor and Kate to sit down with me. I handed them some printouts I had made. "I found these. I thought maybe I could go. It would help everybody out. If I could attend two sessions, you wouldn't have to worry about a month of the summer. I know it's not the answer to the whole summer, but it's something."

Connor and Kate looked over the information. "Camp?"

"Yeah."

"You've never been to camp before," Connor said.

"I know. Maybe it's time."

"Would you be comfortable there?" Kate asked.

"Probably not completely. But, at least I wouldn't be the only one there with epilepsy. It's a camp for kids with epilepsy and other seizure disorders. It's the best idea I could come up with. They offer financial support and maybe if you tell them the situation, they'd allow me in for two sessions."

Connor smiled. "You'd really go?"

I nodded. "Of course. I think it would be great for me to go and learn from these people and meet other kids with epilepsy. It would also be good for you guys to get some alone time."

Connor nodded. "I think it's a good idea. I will call tomorrow and see what we have to do."

I emailed both Lainey and Zander. My idea was growing and I was hoping it would work. "I'm registering for camp this summer at the one that Zander has gone to. Lainey, I was thinking that maybe you could come too and Zander if you could be a counselor again, that would get us all together. It's an idea. They even offer financial aid." I gave them the website and crossed my fingers.

A couple days later, Connor knocked on my door while I was doing homework. "Hey, what's up?" I sat up.

He sat down next to me on my bed. "I called the camp. They emailed me all the forms to fill out. After explaining our situation, they said they could help with the cost. It would cost us half of the normal price. She said they often take kids for two sessions if they have the room. She also said that being as old as you are, you might be able to help out as a counselor the second session."

"Did you mention that I've never been alone?"

"Yes. I pretty much told them everything. They said you'd never be alone. Not as a camper and not as a counselor. I had to get a form filled out from your doctor explaining your seizures and giving permission for you to go. I filled out the rest of the papers today, so if you're sure, I'll fax them in tomorrow."

"I'm sure. Go ahead."

He nodded. "Okay." He tousled my hair and left the room.

I got online and checked my email. Sure enough, there were emails from Lainey and Zander. Zander's read: "Great idea. I'll call them today." Lainey's read: "That would be so awesome. I'll talk to my parents now."

I emailed them again. "Connor got the papers. We're sending them back tomorrow. I'm in for one maybe two sessions. Let me know. Teagan."

I waited patiently for responses all night and all day. Finally, the next day, I got emails. "Talked to the camp, they were excited I wanted to come back. I just have to fill out the paperwork they sent me," Zander said.

"Hey guys. My parents said yes! I made them feel guilty about all the fighting they've been doing lately around me and how depressed I was. They sent the papers in today! Mom said they were short counselors and maybe if I liked it, that they could use me in the next session too! I'd have to get a little bit of training but it's something I could do during the first session. Great idea Teagan! If we all get in... that would be so cool. I am trying not to get too hopeful. Gotta run. Lainey."

I smiled. I was getting excited. I could only hope that it would work out.

* * *

It was getting near the end of the school year. I was elated that I hadn't had seizures every week. I still had some absence seizures every day. But, they didn't bother me too much. Anything I missed, somebody would help me with. I didn't need to study much for my finals. The hardest part would be to sit there without a break. I went to talk to Mrs. Tavi. "What can I do for you, Teagan?" she asked.

"I'm worried about the finals. I know the stuff, but how the tests are given might be hard for me. Is there any way to take them somewhere else?" I asked.

She nodded, taking off her glasses. "Of course. We have a smaller classroom that is used for kids who can't take tests in a normal environment. I could put you in there."

"That would be great!" I smiled. "Even with absence seizures I should be able to finish it without a problem. I know I'm going to need a break and sitting in that large room for so long will be a problem."

"I will let everyone know," she promised.

"Thank you."

* * *

In late May, my camp papers came. A note came along with it saying they would either put me in as a camper or a counselor the second session. It said that if I was a camper that payment would be due at the beginning of the second session. The camp was about three hours away. Directions and lists of what was needed were included in the papers.

I got online, but before I could type my email, I got one from Lainey saying that she got her papers today too. I replied telling them both that I, too, got my papers. Now, we were just waiting to hear from the camp about Zander's job.

In early June, it was time to take all my exams. Mrs. Tavi had me put in a small room. There were nine other students in there. "It is time to begin," the teacher said. "There is no time limit. Take all the time you need. If you need anything, raise your hand. You are allowed to go to the bathroom or take a drink as long as one of us goes with you." She pointed to the aides in the room. "Go ahead and start."

I didn't have a problem with the questions. There were a few I wasn't sure about. I knew I had a few seizures because all of a sudden my pencil had moved or I had dropped it. Luckily, nobody else had noticed. I did the math and English tests the first day. The second day I had social studies and science. And the third day, I had foreign language. Computer and gym class had already given their finals.

I was thrilled to be done. The summer awaited me. It was nice to have the summer off. Mom never let me have that. She cut down on the hours of school, but never let me have a full summer vacation. She never enrolled me in camp either. Now, I had a chance to go and have fun with other kids like me.

Mandi and Maddie were waiting for me after my last exam. "Hey Teagan, how did you do?"

"Alright. They weren't too hard," I said. "How about you guys?"

"I think I did okay," Mandi said.

"Me too," Maddie agreed.

"So, what's up for the summer?" Mandi asked.

"Actually, I'm going to camp."

"Really?"

"Yeah, it's a camp for kids with epilepsy," I explained.

"Oh, do you go every year?"

"No, this is my first time. Connor and Kate have to work and I can't be alone, so being there will help them out. At least for a big part of the summer, people who know what they're dealing with will look after me and they can have some time alone. After that, I don't know what they'll do. They talked about hiring somebody. I'm seventeen and I need a babysitter." I laughed. "Anyway, I can't wait to go. To be with other kids like me."

"Well, we like you even though we're not like you," Mandi said.

I smiled. "I know. I like you guys too. I've just never known someone my age who has epilepsy."

"When do you leave?" Maddie asked.

"Sunday," I answered.

"Will you call us when you get back?"

"Of course!"

We all hugged and I got into the car with Kate. "Are you excited?"

"Yeah!" I said. "I never thought I'd like the last day of school so much."

"You ready for this camp experience?"

"I am!"

As soon as I got home, I checked my email. There was one from Zander and all it said was: "I got it!" I laughed and wrote back. "Congratulations! I can't wait to see you both. It's only five days away!"

Connor took off the rest of the week to be with me. He took me to a movie and out for ice cream. It was fun doing things with him. We sat and talked about our lives one morning. "You know, when you were born, I was jealous."

"Of me?" I laughed.

"Yes. You got all this attention. You were the baby and everyone loved you. I felt so left out. And then one day, I went to your crib and you looked up at me with those big eyes of yours. It melted my heart, right then at six years old! You held my finger so tight. I was hooked then." He laughed. "Once I wasn't so jealous anymore, it felt like I was getting more attention. Then you had to go and get sick."

I laughed. "I knew you were going to bring that up."

He laughed with me. "You already had my heart, Teagan. And watching you go through this for your whole life breaks my heart. I wish I could find the cure for it. Heck, I just wish I could find some medication that works for you. I hope this camp helps somehow."

"It will." I smiled. "There will be other people there like me."

"You're not so different... I don't want you to think I'm sending you away."

I laughed. "Connor, it was my idea. I like the idea of going! I want to."

"I know. I remember when people would ask Mom and Dad if they were going to put you away and they would always say they would never send you away."

"That's different. This is camp," I said. Then more quietly, "People really asked that?"

"Yeah." He nodded.

"Did they ever consider it?" I asked.

He looked over at me. "NO! Well, not that I know of. I was just a kid then. But, as far as I remember that was never brought up."

"Sometimes I read the history of epilepsy. It's so scary what they used to do to people with it. I can't imagine living in those times."

"Yeah. Do you remember when I was about twelve and I was on the tire swing. I got dizzy and fell over. You ran over to me and asked me if I had a seizure."

"Really? I don't remember that."

"Yeah. That was all you knew. It was your life. So, when I did that, you thought it was a seizure."

"I miss Mom. I miss hearing her stories," I said, my eyes moist. "I mean... I love your stories. But, I miss hers. I loved hearing about Ireland."

"Yeah, me too."

"When you first met Kate, what was it like?" I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Were you friends? Was it love at first sight?"

He smiled. "Maybe both. We were young when we met and we were friends and then we both... well we hit puberty." He laughed. "Then I noticed her as a real girl and fell in love with her."

"When did you first bring her home?"

"Mom and Dad had met her before at school. But, I guess it was after we were going out a while. I told them I had a girlfriend and they told me to bring her to the house. It wasn't weird. It felt very normal introducing her to them. They liked her right away."

"Did I like her?"

"Yeah. I think you looked up to her a lot."

"I still do."

"She liked you. Even though sometimes you'd pop up when we didn't want anybody around." He laughed again.

"What I really liked," Kate said, walking in, "was how loving he was towards you. My brother was never like that. Connor adored his little sister."

He smiled. "Yup."

"So when did you guys know you wanted to get married?"

"I always knew." Kate smiled and kissed Connor. "He was the one I wanted. But, I was still a kid. It wasn't until after high school that we started talking about what we wanted."

"And a year later, I proposed."

"It's so sweet," I teased. "Childhood friends grow into an old married couple."

Connor threw a pillow at me. "I'm not old!"

I turned to Kate. "Did it bother you to find out about me?"

"No."

"Not at all? Did your family try to get you to stay away?"

She shook her head. "No Teagan. Maybe it's because I knew you when you were little. Your epilepsy never bothered me or made me rethink anything. Maybe it's a bad thing – how I think of it – it's who you were, it's who you are now. Sure, it was a little weird seeing you have seizures. It definitely took getting used not wanting to call 911 or try and stop the seizure. It was even funny trying to have a conversation when you would just stop talking." She giggled. "But, it never made me not want to marry Connor or be part of your family. As far as my family was concerned, I told them right away. They have never made any comments to me about it."

I smiled. "It's nice to hear this stuff."

"You don't remember a lot of it?"

"No. I remember you being there. But, I don't remember details. I remember stories Mom would tell me and from that I can picture what happened. I wish I could remember more. Maybe that would help me now. Once I was old enough to realize I couldn't remember anything, I started keeping a diary. That way, I could look back and remember something," I told her.

"That's a good idea."

"Thanks for talking about all this stuff. It's neat to hear the stories. I think I'm going to go write some of it down, so I can remember in a few years," I smiled and got up. I went to my room and did just that.
Chapter Fourteen

On Saturday, we all went to play miniature golf. Next door was a park and we went there to swing on the swings. When we got home from the park, I did my packing. I tried to pack enough to get me through a month. Connor went to the pharmacy and picked up all the medications I'd need. "Bring your cell phone, just in case you need it to get in touch with us," Connor said. I got all packed up and we loaded the car up. "Ready," he asked me.

I nodded. "Ready as I'll ever be."

"You sure about this?"

"Yes."

We all got in the car and drove the three hours to the camp. After turning around a couple times, we made it. As we drove up, I looked around. There were a lot of families and kids. The camp was for kids in grade four and up. Connor parked the car and we all got out.

There were a bunch of tables with different people sitting at them. We went up to the first table, which was registration and signed in. The next table was to double-check that all the papers had been turned in and payments had been made. We made our way down the line. Near the end were a doctor and nurse. "Hello! I'm Dr. Ben. I am the neurologist on staff." We all shook hands.

"My name is Pam and I'm the nurse. I am here twenty-four hours a day. I will be the one giving out meds, handling seizures, calling the doctor and so on," she said. "You are?"

"Teagan Kavanagh."

She shuffled through the folders in front of her. "Here you are. You have tonic-clonic and absence seizures?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"Uncontrolled?" she asked.

"They've been better lately," Connor said. "But, she still has absence seizures daily and tonic-clonic seizures every couple weeks."

"Okay, do you have the medications?"

"Yes." Connor handed her the bag. They signed some papers and she led us into her cabin where we watched her put the medicine away.

Next was the welcome assembly. I kept looking around for Lainey or Zander. I didn't see anyone like the pictures I had. "Everything okay?" Kate asked.

"Yeah, just a little nervous," I answered.

A whole bunch of people got up and introduced themselves. Most of the staff had epilepsy or had a family member with it. Others were just very knowledgeable. They talked about procedures. They talked about first aid, how they handle medications, sleeping arrangements, eating, and most importantly safety.

They had enough staff members for there to be a 2:1 ratio, lots of counselors to take care of the kids if something happened. The cabins slept six, two counselors and four campers. At the end, a guy named Mr. Dean dismissed everyone. "Please say your goodbyes and campers, meet by the flagpole."

We got up and I hugged Kate and then Connor. "Thank you for letting me come here."

"I think we should be the ones thanking you," Connor replied.

"We'll all get something out of this," I said. "Please don't worry about me. I'll be okay. These people know what they're doing. And look how beautiful this place is!"

They nodded with tears in their eyes. "If you need anything, you call."

"I will," I promised. "And you two make sure to get some time for yourselves. You deserve it."

Connor was very reluctant to leave. I hugged him again. "I love you, Teagan."

"I love you too, Connor."

Slowly, he walked away. I stood there and watched them for a minute. Then I smiled and turned around. Camp awaited me. My friends were in there somewhere and I was going to find them.

I walked to the flagpole. There were counselors lined up with what appeared to be some sort of list. First you had to stop at a table and give your name. "Teagan Kavanagh." I said.

A girl who had already passed through spun around with a huge smile on her face. The lady handed me a name tag and let me go through. The girl came running up to me, "Are you really Teagan?" she asked like I was some sort of celebrity.

"Yeah. Lainey?" I asked. She nodded and threw her arms around me. It was the best hug ever. "I can't believe I'm finally meeting you!" She had long brown hair pulled back in a ponytail. Her eyes were a light brown. She wore earrings and of course a medical alert bracelet.

"I know," she said. "This is great!" We hugged again. "Have you found Zander yet?"

"No, but since he's here as a counselor, I'm not sure we'll get to see him too much," I said. I smiled. "It feels so weird – and so right – to be here. Look at all the people here."

Lainey looked around. "I know and they all have seizures. It's like for the first time I realize I'm not the only one."

"Me too. Sometimes I would think maybe I made you up in my head." I laughed.

She laughed too. "I know what you mean."

"Attention campers!" A voice said over the loudspeaker. "Please listen up as your name is called. When you hear it, go to the counselor and get your cabin number assignment."

Everyone quieted down. Counselors started calling out names. It took a while and then I heard mine, I went up and got my paper. A few minutes later, Lainey's name was called. She came back beaming. "We got the same cabin!" she whispered excitedly.

"Woot!" I smiled.

Once everyone was done, the counselors waved us to our groups. Lainey and I went to ours. A female counselor stood smiling; her strawberry blonde hair was blowing in the light wind. "Hi! Come on over." There were six of us standing there. "My name is Meg, I'm one of your counselors."

"And I'm Gabby. I'm the other counselor," she said smiling. She had black hair, cut real short.

"Do you guys want to introduce yourselves?" Meg asked.

One girl nodded. "My name is Rylee." She had soft looking brown hair and dainty features.

The blonde girl said, "My name is Peyton."

"I'm Lainey."

"And I'm Teagan."

The counselor smiled. "We sure have some unique names in our group. Why don't you all get your stuff together and meet me at our cabin. It's up that path there." She pointed. "Third one on the right."

Lainey and I walked over to where our stuff was. My eyes scanned the field looking for Zander. "See him yet?" Lainey asked.

"No. It's hard to tell what someone is really going to look like." I kept looking as we started walking.

Finally, I saw a guy helping a younger boy that fit his description. His hair was tousled and blonde just like in the pictures I had. He stood up and I saw his face. It was definitely Zander. I smiled just seeing him. He was cuter than I had imagined. I nudged Lainey; she looked over and followed my gaze. "Oh... he is cute! Go meet him."

"I feel silly."

"Come on, we'll both go. That's what we're here for, right? To find each other."

I nodded. "You're right."

We walked towards him; he glanced up from his papers and saw us. A smile spread across his face. He started walking towards us and we all met up. He was only a couple inches taller than me. He didn't say anything; he just hugged me and then Lainey. "Wow, it's so good to meet you," he said.

I smiled again. "It sure is." I was shy. I didn't know what to say. I felt all tingly inside and I had never felt that way before. Maybe this is what Connor and Kate were talking about. That special feeling when you know you want to be with someone. Could I know this quickly? "I can't believe this is real," I muttered.

"What?"

"It's real. We're all here and we're meeting and it's just... wow," I wiped the tears away from my eyes. "Sorry... I get emotional easily."

Lainey hugged me. "It is real, Teagan. I have a feeling this is going to be a special summer."

"I second that," Zander said.

"Yeah." I smiled. "So, what kind of counselor are you?" I asked Zander.

"Right now I'm in charge of some of the sports games and I'm helping out in other areas," he answered.

We talked for a couple more minutes and then we all had to go. Lainey and I walked to the cabin. "You guys make such a cute couple," she said.

I laughed. "We just met."

"Yeah, but you two have loved each other for years. Meeting was just a technicality."

"True... And you know what? We're going to find you someone too."

"It's okay."

"No, there is someone here for you. We'll find him."

We reached the cabin and went inside. Everybody else was already there. They were looking around the room. "Hi girls, come on in and grab a bed." I threw my stuff down on one of the beds and sat down.

"We were just talking about some of the things in the cabin. The beds are all close to the ground to prevent long, hard falls if anyone has a seizure in the night. There is a first aid kit right here." She held one up. "We have radios that go directly to the nurse's office. We have extra pillows and blankets for safety in case anyone has a seizure in here." Meg showed us around the room. "Questions?" Nobody had any.

"So, what we'd like to do is get to know you all real quickly before dinner. I'll start with me. I have simple partial seizures. It feels like déjà vu and then I usually have some sort of motor seizure. I'm on medication and haven't had a seizure in about nine months. I live about twenty minutes from here and I'm studying nursing in college."

Gabby was next. "I have atypical absence seizures. They are like regular absence seizures but I can usually respond. I am told that I start staring and I do say things, but it's a very slow response. Sometimes I rub my hands together and I blink a lot. I am on medication, but it doesn't help as much as I'd like. I still have them a couple times a week. This is my second year in college and I'm studying business. I live about an hour from here." She looked at each of us as she spoke, her hazel eyes finally resting on Peyton who was next.

Peyton rubbed her blue eyes before she began. "I'm Peyton. I'm seventeen and going into my senior year of high school. I have myoclonic seizures. My arms get the jumps, especially in the morning. Strobe lights will provoke one. I am hoping to go to college, but I'm not sure what to study yet. I live near Washington D.C."

Then Rylee introduced herself. She picked at the strings of her jean shorts as she spoke, only looking up once or twice. "I am also seventeen and going into twelfth grade. I have secondary generalized seizures. It begins with a partial seizure, like a big aura. Sometimes then it goes away and other times I have a tonic-clonic seizure afterwards. They are pretty well controlled with medication, but not completely. I'm from North Carolina."

Lainey took her turn. "I'm seventeen. I've been having a hard time with everything lately. I have tonic-clonic seizures. I guess I have a couple every month." She paused, pushing back a strand of hair that had fallen forward. Inside the cabin, her hair looked darker than before, more like a chestnut brown. "My parents are getting divorced and that has put a lot of stress on me and I seem to have more seizures then normal. I'm going into twelfth grade and I'm hoping to go to college next year. I'm from New York."

Everyone looked at me. I felt the blood rush to my face. Taking a deep breath, I began, "I'm also seventeen and going into twelfth grade. I want to go to college, but I'm not really sure what for. I have both absence seizures and tonic-clonic seizures. The absence seizures I have daily. The tonic-clonic seizures happen a few times a month. I'm from Virginia. My life has been really crazy this past year. My parents kept me really sheltered. I was even home schooled. Then they died last year. Now, I live with my older brother and sister-in-law and I had to start public school. It's been very stressful," I told them a bit about my life.

"Well, we have a little bit of everything in this room. How does it feel to be with other people who have epilepsy?" Gabby asked.

"It feels great," I said.

Everyone chuckled. "Having people who understand what you're going through is a blessing," Gabby said. "Not that I'd wish epilepsy on anyone. But, I'm glad there are people out there I can share with and know that they will understand."

"Okay." Meg stood up. "Let's go eat."

We walked to the mess hall. One of the counselors was always in front, the other always in back. Each table had a cabin number on it and that's where we sat. Next to us was a group of girls that were sixteen.

I scanned the hall looking at all the kids who came here. There were a handful of younger kids that wore helmets. I was guessing they suffered from atonic seizures. They just dropped to the ground. I had read that many times, doctors would suggest that they wear helmets to prevent injury.

I spotted Zander a few tables away. He winked at me. I smiled. I imagined myself running up to him, throwing my arms around his neck, and having him kiss me. I wondered if that would ever become a reality.

Half way through dinner, there was a commotion on the other side of the hall. I didn't see it, but word was someone had a seizure. It wasn't like at school where everyone rushed over to gawk at the person. The counselors took action, the nurse was in the mess hall and the child was brought to her office. It was nice to see it handled quickly and quietly. Most of all, it was normal.

After dinner, there was to be a campfire. There would be story telling and singing. It sounded really nice. We all helped clean up and went to sit where the fire had been started. It was a night of getting to know each other.

Our group sat together talking while the fire grew bigger. More kids joined the huge circle. "Hey there." Zander plopped down next to me.

"Hi." I blushed. "How is it?" I asked.

"It's good. This was a great idea, Teagan. We should have all done this years ago."

"Yeah, except my parents wouldn't have let me come," I said.

"Really?"

"Well, I don't know for sure. But, they were the type to keep me very sheltered. You know that. They were wonderful parents, but way too overprotective," I said. "Connor has been much more lenient even with all the rules I have to live with."

"Well, I'm sure glad he let you come," Lainey said.

"Me too."

A few minutes later, some of the counselors got up and started the evening. They talked about last year and what they hoped to accomplish this year. "As you all know, Camp Hope has the longest camp sessions in the area. We get you guys for two weeks." Everyone clapped and cheered. "Now to open our first night, here are the Seizure Sisters!" Again everyone clapped.

Three girls walked up and took the microphones. They started to sing. They harmonized beautifully. They did a very popular song and most of us sang along to it. Then some other people got up and started talking about the camp, the programs offered during the day, and then they started telling jokes and stories. One of the counselors had a guitar and he started playing some music. Other kids picked up on it and started singing along. Soon, everyone was singing. It was really fun.

At nine o'clock, they dismissed for the night. Zander leaned over to me. "I can't wait until I can be with you," he whispered. He got up and walked away. I sighed wanting to rush after him. But, I couldn't. If we got caught kissing, they'd probably kick us both out.

Our group walked back to the nurse's office where she handed out medications and made us sign that we got them. Then we walked back to our cabin and got ready for bed. I smiled at Lainey when I got in bed. She smiled back before closing her eyes.
Chapter Fifteen

In the morning, the counselors gently woke us up. "Time to get up," they quietly urged us out of bed. I rubbed my eyes. I had slept pretty well considering it was somewhere I wasn't used to. "We have thirty minutes until breakfast. You can shower, clean up, whatever. Lots of us only shower every couple days. Then we'll make it over to breakfast."

I grabbed my backpack and put my clothes in it along with all my toiletries. We walked over to the building where the showers were. I didn't shower, but I washed up. I got dressed and pulled my hair back. I didn't put on any make-up. I wanted to see what the day had in store for us.

We headed over to breakfast. They had cereal! I was elated. I loved my cereal in the morning. I drank some orange juice with it. The girls at our table were all talking about boys. I had my eyes locked on Zander. He had smiled at me a few times. He made sure I knew he was thinking of me.

When breakfast was done, Meg and Gabby told us what we were going to do today. First we would head over to the nurse's office; from there we'd drop off our bags at the cabin and go on a hike. After that was boating and then arts and crafts.

I looked over at Lainey, she was staring at me. "What?"

"Nothing." She looked guilty.

"Did I have a seizure?" I asked.

She looked down. "Yeah. I think so. I've never seen one, so I'm not sure."

"Then it was probably one."

"I'm sorry if I—"

"Sorry for what?"

"Looking."

I laughed. "Lainey, please don't be sorry. Watch if you want to." I smiled remembering how my mom would react. "My mom used to take my hand whenever I had an episode in front of her. Kind of let me know that I had been gone without saying it." I pushed back the tears that threatened to come.

She smiled. "That's sweet."

* * *

The nurse gave us all our meds and we were good to go. We dropped off our bags at the cabin and headed into the woods. Another counselor came with us. They had extra counselors just in case something happened. If one of us had a seizure and one counselor had to go for help, then there would still be two counselors left. It was nice being out in nature. The air was refreshing. The smell of the wild flowers was beautiful.

The path ended at a clearing about a half-mile from where we started. Meg and Gabby brought some things to do. They had balls, Frisbees, and bubbles. So, we just goofed off for a while. Then they brought out a rope and taught us how to make certain knots with them. "I feel like I'm in Girl Scouts." Peyton snickered.

"It's a lot like that," Meg answered. "Life can leave you in knots and you need to know how to get out of them." We exchanged knots and then had to undo them. It was a neat exercise that required a lot of patience.

When we were done with that, we hiked back to camp. Next was boating. Once we got down to the lake, we all had to put life jackets on. We took two canoes, three people in each. We all helped to row. This was something I had never done before either. It was tiring! There were boats out on the lake just with counselors in them in case anything happened. Everything here was very safety oriented. It had to be. We reached a certain buoy and then had to turn around and go back.

"Have we tired you out yet?" Gabby asked when we got back. We all nodded our heads. "Let's go chill out and make stuff. I love the arts and crafts part of the day."

We all sat down at the tables and looked over our choices. They had a few things laid out to do. One was just coloring. "We find it therapeutic," an older lady said. "My name is Claudette and I oversee the arts and crafts. Kids love to color, even teenagers. So, pick up a crayon and get busy. If that's not for you, pick one of the other crafts."

She had beads and sun catchers out. I went for the crayons first. I hadn't colored in years and that sounded neat to me. I took one of the coloring pages. It was of fairies and butterflies. I started coloring it with pastel colors.

Half way through my picture, I looked up and noticed Gabby was staring off. She was blinking a lot and rubbing her hands together, just like she had mentioned. It was almost neat watching someone else have a real seizure. It lasted longer than my absence seizures, but it was only about a minute long. I could tell when she came out of it because she started working on her craft again.

A couple of the girls looked up and noticed it, but they continued on with their work. Rylee and Peyton said they had been to camp before when they were younger, so they were probably used to seeing other people have seizures.

I glanced over at Lainey. I wondered what it would be like to see her have a seizure. She had been my friend for years; would it upset me to watch it? Would she want me to leave so she wouldn't be embarrassed? I thought about what I want. Would I want her with me if I seized right now? Or would I want her to go away so she couldn't see me like that? I didn't know what I'd rather have.

Connor and Kate were family; I didn't mind them seeing it. I didn't like it, but it couldn't be helped. The kids at school were mostly strangers who wouldn't remember me in a few years. It bothered me a little that Mandi and Maddie had seen my seizures. But, could I deal with Lainey watching? Or Zander?

I finished my picture and then started another one. I felt better as I colored them. It sure did help. Even though I was just coloring in the lines, I felt that I was expressing myself in the colors I chose and how I colored the picture.

Lunchtime came and we all went to eat. "What's after lunch?" I asked.

"You get down time for thirty minutes. Then we do group, sports, swimming and writing before dinner."

"Wow, they do so much here."

Meg nodded. "They sure do. They try to make everyone feel like this is a normal camp, yet a special one too."

After lunch, I bumped into Zander. "Hi," I smiled.

"Hi. How are you doing?"

"Good." I nodded. "It's nice here."

"Yeah, it is."

Our eyes were locked. "I wish I could hold you."

I smiled. "Soon. You wrote about it many times and you've waited so long. It'll happen. We just have to wait for the right time."

He nodded. "I'm trying, but it's very hard seeing you in person."

"Hey, do you know any guys who might want to get to know Lainey? She really needs someone too."

He nodded. "I'll ask around. See if anyone is interested."

I smiled. "Thanks."

Meg and Gabby took us to a nice air-conditioned cabin. "Girls, this is Ms. Reed. She is the therapist here. She leads us all in group sessions."

"Hello," we said to her. We all introduced ourselves.

"It's so nice to meet you," she said. "I'm here to lead groups but also for anyone who needs individual counseling. Please just let me know and we'll set something up." She ran her hand through her dark blonde hair. "I know Rylee and Peyton. Lainey and Teagan, you are new to camp?"

I nodded and Lainey said, "Yes."

"Good. Does anyone have anything they want to talk about?"

It was quiet for a couple minutes. "I will," Rylee started. "I had a boyfriend this last year and he dumped me last month. I don't know why. I wonder if it's the epilepsy. Maybe it scared him away. But, then I start thinking that it's been a while since I've had an episode in front of him. It just bothers me."

Ms. Reed was nodding. "Can anyone else relate?"

We all nodded. "I've never had a boyfriend," I said. "I tried to go to a dance once last year, but nobody wanted to go with me. I felt rejected and yet I knew why and didn't blame them one bit."

We talked more about boys and relationships. "Do you all have friends outside of this camp?" Ms. Reed asked.

We all nodded. "I have tons of friends," Peyton said. "I don't have seizures in school very often. So, I guess they forget."

"It's important to have both friends with epilepsy as well as friends without it."

"Why?" I asked. "They don't understand."

"And somebody with epilepsy does?" Ms. Reed asked.

"More than someone who doesn't," I stated my belief.

The other girls agreed. "It's easier," Lainey said. "You don't have to come up with excuses." We talked some more about friendships and why all kinds were important.

"We meet again in two days. We will be talking about college and your futures, so think about it," Ms. Reed said.

Sports were next. We went to the big field near the lake. I saw Zander and some other guys his age helping some of the younger kids to do kickball. We started with running around the field a few times. Then we got to jump rope. Zander blew a whistle and gathered up a lot of little groups. "We're going to do some project adventure type stuff," he said. "It helps you trust the people around you."

We had to all stand in a group and one person at a time climbed up a ladder and had to fall backwards. The rest of the group had to catch that person. So, one by one, we all did it. It was scary and yet exciting. And everybody got caught.

Next we did some problem solving type obstacle course. We had to solve it as a team. That was pretty neat too. I loved the activities they had here. We even got to play some kickball.

I was hot and sweaty and so ready to jump in the lake. We got changed and went swimming. A dock and buoys blocked off the perimeter. Counselors stood all around. There were three lifeguards on duty, ready to dive in if needed. It felt good to cool off. Mom had brought me to the YMCA for swimming lessons in case I ever needed them. I went under the water and got my hair wet. It felt so good. As I squeezed my hair, I noticed Zander watching. I blushed.

We rinsed off in the showers after swimming and got dressed again. "We have a writing session next. They have journals for us all and we just write in them," Meg explained. "It helped me a lot when I came here; I'm hoping you all will like it too."

They handed us all a notebook and a pen and we got writing. I wrote all about leaving home, my comfort zone and coming here. I was careful not to mention knowing Lainey or Zander before. I didn't want anyone to get in trouble.

Looking down, I noticed Lainey was holding my hand. She was still writing in her journal with her other hand. My pen was on the table. I squeezed her hand letting her know that the seizure was over. She looked over and smiled at me. I picked up the pen again and finished writing.

As we were walking back to the cabin, Lainey asked, "Was that okay? What I did?"

I nodded. "Yeah, it was. Thank you."

"Are you sure? I was just taking a chance that you wouldn't hate me for it."

I nodded. "I think it was really sweet of you to do that and I don't mind one bit. I actually liked it."

"Good. It'll be our little thing in remembrance of your mother."

After dinner, they called a few kids to the main cabin. Lainey and I were two of them. One of the top camp counselors spoke, "We called you down because you all expressed an interest in being counselors for the next session. Everyone still want to do that?" We all nodded. "Good. I have a videotape for you to watch that will start your training."

We all sat down to watch the tape. It was about camps in general. Then it went into the epilepsy part of it. It showed an hour of footage of epilepsy camps. When the tape was done, Mr. Lambert said that we should all come back tomorrow and go through the first aid training.

We joined the rest of our group at the evening fire. Kids were roasting marshmallows and talking. It was a warm night, and I enjoyed looking up at the stars.

* * *

The next morning we got up and ready, this time I did take a quick shower. We had some different activities planned today. The nurse taught the first class about medications. It was interesting, but a little boring. I knew most of this stuff.

A couple times during the hour-long class, I would find Lainey holding my hand. Each time I realized it, I squeezed her hand and she'd let go. It was a nice, quiet gesture. I couldn't believe how attentive she was.

The next thing we got to do was horseback riding. I was very excited about this. They had two people go on a horse at a time. Again, in case anything happened, someone was right there. It was so neat riding a horse. I felt free. I felt like I could ride to the ends of the Earth. I actually hated getting off.

Lainey and I participated in the first aid class with other kids wanting to be counselors. We learned about CPR and all the basic first aid stuff, and then they went into all the epilepsy stuff.

After that, we met up with the group again and did some normal camp stuff. One of the guys taught us how to build a good campfire. Then we got to learn how to do archery. It was all so different. My parents would have never let me do this kind of stuff.

From archery we had to walk to the mess hall for lunch. Lainey and I were talking. I noticed Zander in the distance. He was playing football with one of the kids.

Then I noticed Gabby had her hand on my shoulder and Lainey was holding my hand. I looked around and over at them. The rest of the group had stopped about ten feet ahead. I didn't say anything, I just started walking again. I looked up and noticed Zander watching me. Had he seen it?

At the table, I rubbed my temples. "You okay, Teagan?" Meg asked.

"Yeah, just annoyed sometimes at the seizures."

Rylee laughed. "I can relate to that."

We ate lunch and discussed the rest of the day. Arts and crafts, swimming, sports, a science session, and another epilepsy education class were on the schedule. I had another seizure in the arts and crafts session. I almost didn't want to go swimming. They were hitting me like crazy today. But, it was hot, so I went ahead and got wet. I did some sit-ups and played kickball again.

We were walking from the field in to the do the science exploration at one of the halls. Without warning, Lainey froze up and dropped to the ground. Her eyes rolled up. Seeing it happen in front of me was mind blowing! Here I was talking to her, laughing with her, and then she just dropped.

It was so different watching somebody else go through it. My first thought was to stop her from thrashing around. But, I knew better. "Meg!" Gabby called. Gabby had been behind us. Meg turned around and saw what was happening. "I'll get the nurse."

Lainey's body jerked around as the seizure continued. I scanned the ground to make sure there were no rocks or sticks she could hurt herself on. Rylee and Peyton sat down on the grass a few feet away. It felt like forever until her body began to ease up.

The jerking slowed down and finally she stopped. Her eyes were now closed. Color returned to her face and she began breathing normally. I took her hand and held it. Meg got back with the nurse and together they rolled her on her side. A couple of the male counselors came with a stretcher to take her back to the nurse.

"Can I go?" I asked.

"She'll be there a while, Teagan," Meg said.

I nodded. "I know. Just for a minute, please."

Meg nodded. "I'll go with you."

We followed them back to the office and watched as they transferred her to the bed. She opened her eyes. "Hey... what's..." she mumbled some words.

I knelt down near her. I took her hand. "I know that you probably can't hear me or if you can, you won't remember. But, I had to let you know that I'm here, holding your hand now. They won't let me stay though. I want to. I'm so blessed to have met you." I squeezed her hand. She looked at me and smiled and then drifted off to sleep again.

"Come on, Teagan. Let her rest."

I nodded. Meg and I walked to the science thing in silence. Tears ran down my face. I didn't get too interested in the session. My mind was on Lainey. It is different watching it happen. It was scary. I just wanted to slap her and bring her out of it, even though I knew it wouldn't work. Being here without her by my side was sad. Peyton and Rylee were really nice girls, but I truly missed Lainey.

Zander stopped me before dinner. "I heard what happened with Lainey."

I nodded. "Yeah." My eyes got all teary again.

"She'll be okay."

"I know. It's just... seeing it. It's different. Even having the same thing, I can't help but want to help her. But, I can't. There's nothing I can do. I guess now I know what my brother feels like." I wanted to hug Zander and hold on for good. But, people were around. I couldn't.

"I saw you earlier."

I nodded again. "I figured. You saw the seizure."

"Yeah. It is different when it's somebody you know." He smiled. "I wish I could scoop you up and take you away."

I smiled back. "Me too. If life was only that simple." I blushed a little. "Did you have any luck finding someone interested in Lainey?"

He nodded. "Yeah, one of the guys seemed very interested. I'll tell you about it later."

"Okay." I watched him get up and go back to his table.

At the campfire, I sat with Rylee and Peyton. Zander came over with his friend. "This is Owen." He had short, light brown hair, and hazel eyes. He was good looking and I thought Lainey would approve. I hoped his personality was a match for her too.

"Hi, I'm Teagan," I shook his hand. "How are you?"

"I'm good. How do you like it here?"

"It's nice." I smiled.

They sat down. Zander rubbed my back for a minute. "You doing okay?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Just a little sad tonight."

"I know. So, Owen has seen Lainey and thinks she's very pretty. He'd like to get to know her more."

"Owen, how long have you been working here?"

"I started this year. I came as a camper the past five years."

"Do you mind if I ask what kind of seizures you have?"

He shook his head. "Not at all. I have complex partial seizures."

I nodded knowing a little bit about them. "Are they controlled?"

"Mostly. I have a few every year. I used to have them a lot in my sleep and a few in the daytime. Finally, we found a medication that helps."

We talked a while longer and then headed back to our cabin. I looked at Lainey's empty bed for a while before I fell asleep.

* * *

The next morning as I got ready to hit the bathrooms, I noticed Peyton's fingers were twitching, and then her hand was jumping. It happened a few times in the bathroom and at breakfast and then it stopped. She seemed to be aware of it, she just couldn't stop it.

I was eating my cereal and felt somebody plop down beside me. I looked over. Lainey had a big smile on her face. "Hey you."

I smiled back. "Hi." I gave her a big hug. I wasn't sure what to say. What did people usually say to me?

"Pam told me you came and held my hand for a bit."

I nodded. "Yeah."

"I don't remember, but I feel loved."

I smiled. "Good."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. I didn't know if you'd want me to be with you or not. I didn't want to intrude on your privacy, but I also wanted to be there for you."

"I'm glad you were."

Our day was filled with more activities. In the arts and crafts room, I made a bracelet. During sports time, we played volleyball. Then we took another hike. After lunch, we had group. Ms. Reed talked about the future. "What do you guys see yourself doing?" she asked.

"More school," Peyton said.

Rylee nodded. "College. It's the only way we'll get anywhere. People are going to have a hard time hiring somebody with epilepsy with or without a college degree, but maybe it'll help a little."

"What kinds of courses do you want to take?"

"I don't know," Peyton said. "I guess I'll just take the basics until I find something I like."

"I'd like to help other people," Lainey said. "But, I'm not sure how yet."

Rylee nodded. "I was thinking about some sort of nursing degree."

"What about you, Teagan?"

I shrugged. "I'm not sure. I've always been interested in science. But, I don't know what I could do. I am constantly having seizures, I can't see being able to work."

"Yours aren't well controlled?"

"No. Yesterday, I had a ton of absence seizures. How can I do nursing if I did that? What if I was in the middle of giving someone a shot? Or being a therapist... people won't want to pay me if I'm not paying attention." I laughed.

"You said science was something you are very interested in?" Ms. Reed said.

"Yes." I nodded.

"What about research?" she suggested. "You could do lab research or maybe forensics?"

I nodded. "Yeah, maybe. But, what if I drop a tube of something?"

"You have to give yourself some credit. There are things to do to prevent disaster during a seizure. Like positioning yourself over a table, so if you drop something, maybe it won't shatter all over the floor. Making sure you have two of everything so if something does spill or break, you have a replacement."

"I guess I never thought of all that."

We talked more about colleges and jobs until it was time to go.

That night, Zander introduced Lainey to Owen. He sat down next to her and they talked. Zander sat next to me and smiled. "How's it going?"

"Good. I'm so glad we're here."

"You are so beautiful," he whispered.

I blushed. "Thanks."

"I knew I had to meet you from the moment we started chatting online. You were something special. And you made me so mad when you were saying you were going to get locked up and all that."

I looked down. "Sometimes it's just the way I feel. If I could live here forever, it would be so much easier. Connor and Kate are wonderful. I even have some friends at home that I've become close to. But, nobody knows like you guys know. Nobody understands like the people here."

"It's like a safety net."

"Yeah. I just wish other people saw us as normal."

"We're not. And that's okay," Zander said. "It's hard to live with it, but we make do. There are places like this that we can come to for a retreat. A safe place outside of that big, cold world. We need this. But, we can't make our entire lives revolve around our disorders."

"It's just hard on me, not that it's not on you. It's an every day thing."

"I know. Your epilepsy is much more than mine is. I can't imagine what it must be like for you to go through seizures every day. But, I'm going to be here for you from now on. I want to know all of you, even those seizures."

"You are so wonderful. I just want to be with you..." I sighed.

We had to make decorations for our cabin for the contest. We spent our free time the next couple days working on decorations. We actually won! Our cabin celebrated with ice cream sundaes. That night, at the campfire, some of the kids did skits. Owen and Lainey got to know each other better. "I think they're hitting it off," Zander whispered to me.

I nodded. "She's happier and he seems like a good guy."

I had so many urges to hug and kiss Zander that it was very hard not to. I wanted to lean over and just let him hold me. "Have you had many girlfriends?" I asked.

"A couple."

"Nothing serious?"

He laughed. "No. They were dates to dances. Or a kiss here and there. One girl got to witness a seizure, I never heard from her again. One girl didn't care about them, but she wasn't a real caring person, so that didn't work out."

"Oh."

"But, you, Teagan... You're one of a kind. I can tell. I long to hold you, to kiss you, and to be with you."

I smiled. "I feel the same way." I giggled.
Chapter Sixteen

A couple days later, the four of us got some time to play some board games. It was raining and a lot of us were at tables playing games. Zander and Owen sat with us to play Monopoly.

About half way through the game, I started getting very hot. My vision started to get fuzzy. No, no, no. I had a strange taste in my mouth. "Teagan, it's your turn," someone said. I couldn't answer. The last thing I felt was falling before everything went black.

* * *

As usual, as I came to, my head throbbed. Slowly, I opened my eyes. It took a few seconds to focus. Lainey and Zander were right there by me. Lainey smiled and she squeezed my hand. I had no strength to squeeze back. Zander was stroking my hair. "It's okay," Lainey said. "It's over." Both of them had tears in their eyes.

The nurse was sitting by my head. "Lay still. We're going to get you to my office," she said.

I closed my eyes again. "Here's the stretcher, Pam."

I opened my eyes when I felt myself being moved. Zander and Owen picked up the stretcher and carried me away. I couldn't keep my eyes open. When I felt my body being moved again, I opened my eyes long enough to see Zander and Lainey still there. Then I went to sleep.

When I woke up again, my head still hurt. I licked my lips and asked the nurse for some medicine. She got up right away and gave me the meds. "How are you feeling?"

"Yucky. I'll be better once the headache goes away," I said. "Do you have a cool washcloth I could use?"

"Sure." She came back in a minute with the washcloth. "Where do you want it?"

"Over my eyes." She placed it on my eyes. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

I went back to sleep and woke up early the next morning. Slowly, I sat up. The nurse was sleeping in another bed in the room. I rubbed my eyes. It was six in the morning. I sat there for a while trying to remember what had happened. I remembered playing Monopoly, but that was it. I vaguely remember seeing Lainey and Zander around, but I couldn't remember the details.

Pam woke up by seven. "How long have you been up?" she asked me.

"About an hour."

"Why didn't you wake me?"

I shrugged. "I'm okay. You needed the sleep."

She stood up and did a quick exam on me. "Your head feel okay?"

"Yes."

"Ready to go back?"

"Yeah, can I go change at the cabin before breakfast though?"

"Sure, why don't you wash up here and I'll bring you back."

I went into her bathroom and washed my face and hands. I wet my hair a little to keep it from looking horrible. The nurse walked me back to the cabin. Nobody was there. I changed real quick and brushed my hair. Then I pulled it back in a ponytail. When I was done, she walked with me up to the mess hall. "You okay?"

"Yeah. I just feel weird. I don't feel embarrassed, but I do. Does that make sense? These people are my friends and I had a seizure in front of them. I go through life hoping I don't freak people out and now I know when I walk in those doors, they will accept me just as I am. It's almost too good to be true," I paused. "And yet because they're my friends, I wonder if I did anything to make them not want to be around me."

"Those feelings are very normal, Teagan. I have a feeling your friends are going to stay your friends for the rest of your life, no matter how many seizures you have. They were very concerned last night. They were very loving and caring. Just like you were with Lainey."

I nodded. "I hope you're right. Did you call my brother?"

"Yes, I let him know last night that you had a seizure, but that you were fine and you were sleeping."

"He didn't freak out?"

"No. He asked if he should come get you and I told him no, this happens here and that you were fine."

"Yeah, that's Connor. He's very protective."

"Well, here we are. Ready?"

I took a deep breath and nodded.

She opened the door and we walked in. Everyone was busy talking and eating. Pam went over to our table and spoke to Meg. Meg waved me over. Slowly, I walked over to her and she hugged me. "Nice to have you back."

I smiled. "Thanks."

I sat down next to Lainey at the table. She wrapped her arms around me. "Hi."

"Hi." I closed my eyes and thanked God for giving me a friend like her.

"You okay?" she asked.

"I am now." I smiled. "Thanks for being there."

"Do you remember it?"

"Not really. I remember seeing you at some point and the nurse told me you were there."

She smiled. "Someone else was very concerned." She looked over at Zander who was staring at me.

I smiled at him and he returned the smile. What I really wanted to do was run up to him and give him a hug. "Was he okay with it?"

"Can anyone be?" she asked.

"Well, you know what I mean. Was he freaked out?"

"No, just upset that it had to happen to you."

"What about you? Did I freak you out?"

"I've gotta say, it was almost neat to watch. I've never seen one before. But, then it's upsetting too because it's your best friend laying there while their brain seizes."

I laughed. "Well, that's one way to put it."

Rylee and Peyton both welcomed me back. Meg and Gabby sat back down at the table. "Well, now that we're all together again, let's talk about the day we have planned."

* * *

The next few days were filled with fun, laughter, and friendship. Neither Lainey nor I had more tonic-clonic seizures, so we were able to fully enjoy the camp experience. We swam, did horseback riding, played games, sang songs, did more arts and crafts, learned more about epilepsy and finished our training to be counselors.

On Sunday, we were called to the main cabin. "Teagan, come on over," one of the staff members waved. "How are you doing?"

"Good," I answered.

"Did you still want to stay?" he asked.

"Yes, I would love to."

"Do you think you're ready to be a counselor?"

"Well, I've never been one, so I'm not sure. But, I went to all the trainings; I know what to do, so I think I'm ready."

"Okay. We are going to have you be an extra counselor. So, you won't have an assignment at a specific cabin, but you will help out all over. Is that okay?"

"That would be great! Thank you so much."

I went back to the cabin to get my stuff. I hugged Rylee and Peyton goodbye and we all exchanged addresses. Meg put her arm around me. "So, you're going to stay with us as a counselor?"

"Yeah, hopefully I do well."

"You will. I'll see you around."

"Bye."

Lainey and I walked up to the main cabin. She got the same assignment I did, to help out in all areas. I asked to call Connor and they said sure. After two rings, he picked up. "Hello?"

"Hi big brother."

"Hey you. How are you?"

"I'm good. This place is great."

"The nurse called the other day, she said you had a seizure."

"Yeah, just one big one. It was okay," I told him.

"You sure?"

"Well, I guess having a seizure is never okay, but it's the norm here. I'm accepted here. That really helps."

"I miss you," he said.

"I miss you too. I really am okay though. I'm going to be a counselor for the next two weeks. Just an extra, not too much responsibility. And I'm making lots of friends."

"That's wonderful, Teagan. I'm glad."

"I just wanted to call and say hi. I love you."

"I love you, too," he said and we hung up.

We helped clean up the cabins and halls for the next group that was arriving. Once everything was done, we were shown our new cabin. We didn't have to sleep with the kids, so they put four of us in a cabin near the nurse's office.

Lainey and I met Leah and Raven. Leah didn't have epilepsy. She told us her cousin had tonic-clonic seizures. That was the reason she wanted to work at this camp. Raven had absence seizures. We talked for a couple hours until we were told to go up to the field. Lainey and I were sent to just watch the kids. We stood in the back and made sure nobody wandered away or had a seizure.

It wasn't until after the campfire that I got to see Zander. He pulled me aside. "Think you can sneak away?"

I laughed. "I don't know."

"You have more freedom now. Nobody's watching you."

"I can try."

"Meet me in back of the mess hall in an hour, bring Lainey," he said and hurried away.

"What was that about?" Lainey asked.

"He wants us to meet him in a little bit."

"Did he say why?"

"Nope."

"Well, let's have a little fun," she laughed.

An hour later, the two of us excused ourselves to go to the bathhouse. Quietly, we walked to the mess hall instead. Zander and Owen were waiting. "You made it!" Zander smiled.

"This feels so funny."

"This is what normal teenagers do."

I laughed. "Yeah, if only we were all normal."

"There is something I've wanted to do for weeks," he smiled.

"Yeah? What's that?"

He put out his hand and I took it. Slowly, he pulled me to him and held me in his arms. He smelled earthy and masculine, but a tad sweet too. Our eyes locked and he leaned in. His lips lingered near mine for a few seconds. My heart started beating harder and my breathing sped up. He gently pressed his lips against mine. I melted inside. It was so perfect, so right, and so wonderful. The kiss that had started off slow and gentle was replaced with an increasing passion. He broke the kiss and stepped back a little. "That. I've wanted to do that."

I smiled. "I liked that."

"You kiss pretty good for never kissing before."

I blushed and stole a peek at Lainey who was kissing Owen. "Looks like things are going well with them."

"Owen lives about an hour from you."

"Really?"

"Yeah. He told me that he is moving into an apartment near the college when he gets back home."

"That's good for him."

Zander smiled. "He also said it has two bedrooms. He... ah... offered me the other bedroom if I wanted it. I could apply to the college and see what happens. It's not real close, but it's close enough for me to see you at least on the weekends."

"Wow... I knew you wanted to move, but I can't believe you actually would do it. What about your parents?"

"They'll be okay. I'll just switch to a doctor there. What do you think?" he asked.

I smiled, hardly being able to contain my excitement. "I think it would be wonderful to see you all the time."

We talked about it for a few more minutes and then Lainey and I went back to our cabin.

* * *

Being a counselor was fun, but not quite as much as being a camper. I hung around in the lake. A couple kids had seizures that I got to help with. At first I wasn't sure what to do, but it was just basics. Make sure they can't hurt themselves. Find a nurse or stay with the camper while someone else goes. I'd watch kids who just stopped and stared into space. I would go near them in case they needed anything. Most of the time, the kid never noticed that anything happened. It was amazing to watch other people going through what I had gone through my entire life. I wished Mom had let me come to camp. It would have been so helpful.

If Lainey was with me when I had a seizure, she would just hold my hand until it was done. "How do you know?" I asked her out of the blue.

"How do I know what?"

"When I'm having a seizure. Heck, I don't even know."

"Well, I don't always notice. But, when I do, it's usually your eyes that give you away. It's just like you're not there anymore. And sometimes your hands will drop to your sides. Things you're holding will fall. When you're with someone so much, you can tell. Of course, if I'm not looking at you, I wouldn't know," she explained.
Chapter Seventeen

One night, I was sitting at the campfire long after the campers had gone to bed. A lot of the counselors would stay and talk. Zander, Owen, and Lainey were all there along with Raven, Leah, and about four other counselors that I didn't know as well.

Zander kept looking over at me. He had the perfect smile. I wondered if I'd spend my life with him. Was that possible? To love someone you just met? To love the guy who kissed you first? Could he handle me? Did he want to settle down with one person? What about kids? I never thought having them would be good... but with him, I could see a child. He would make such a great father. But, with the two of us having epilepsy, there was a real good chance the baby would too.

I laughed to myself. Here I am thinking about marriage and babies with a guy I hardly know. But, I did know him I reminded myself. I've known him for years and now I've completely fallen in love with him. I sighed.

"You okay?" Lainey asked.

"Yeah, just thinking," I answered. "It's nice being out here at night. Look at all those stars." I sat up a little bit and turned to her. "You like Owen?"

She nodded. "Yeah I do. I don't want to go home, Teagan. These past weeks have been like a dream. It has been wonderful being here with you, Zander and Owen. I want to stay with you guys forever."

"Lainey, we don't live close by."

"I know... but why can't it stay like this?"

"I don't know. Maybe it can, just not now."

"What do you mean?"

"You and I are still in high school. We can't just up and quit and move out. We need to finish that. But, then... maybe."

"But, why just maybe?" she asked.

"Uh... well, I've never been anywhere alone. I have too many seizures for that."

"Yeah, but we'd be there."

"All the time?" I asked. "Do you remember what my rules are at home?"

She nodded. "No oven, no shower, no driving."

"Yeah and there's so much more. You'd be taking care of me. Do you want that responsibility?"

"I don't mind."

"What happens when you want to go out? Or if everyone has a class at the same time? Or work?"

"So, if this can never happen, why do you say maybe there's a chance?"

I glanced up at the stars. "Surgery."

"I thought you were against that."

"My parents were. I think Connor is. But, it might be the only way I can live without constant supervision."

"But, your seizures are generalized. They can't do much with that."

"There's a possibility that they might be able to find where it starts and take that out. I'd still have some seizures, but not so many," I told her.

"So, you're going to do it?"

"I don't know. I certainly am not going to do it now. I will wait until next summer. I want to graduate high school. The surgery... you know the risks. If I end up... worse... then at least I will have accomplished something." I looked back down.

"Teagan..." She stopped and just hugged me. "Somehow, we're going to get through this together."

That was the last thing I remembered. Once again, my world went black. When I opened my eyes again, I saw blurry faces. My head pounded so bad that it brought tears to my eyes. Zander wiped them away. "Owen went to get the nurse," he told me. Then he kissed me. "I'm here."

Lainey held my hand. "Me too."

When the nurse arrived, Zander picked me up and he and Owen carried me to the nurse's office. She gave me my meds and a washcloth. I smiled not able to form any words of gratitude. Then I fell asleep.

I woke in the morning. Pam was already up and working at her desk. "Good morning, Teagan. How are you feeling?"

"Better, thank you." I sat up. I noticed some bandages on my arms. "What are these for?" I asked.

"During your seizure last night, you scraped yourself on something. It was bleeding a bit, but nothing too bad. I put some medicine on them and bandaged them up. You can take them off later," she explained. "I called your brother and let him know what happened. Other than asking if he needed to come get you, he was fine. And your friends have already popped in this morning to check on you, but you were still fast asleep. I'm sure they will want to see you right away."

I nodded. "Thank you."

"Let's get you back to your cabin," she said. Her aide was in and she asked her to escort me to my cabin, make sure I got changed and to wherever I needed to be. I washed up real quick, changed my clothes and glanced at the schedule. I was supposed to be in the field helping with the sports.

Lainey came running when she saw me and gave me a huge hug. "Hi."

Owen and Zander came over too and they both hugged me. Zander held me for an extra few seconds. I could feel his love. "You okay?" he asked.

"Other than a few scrapes, I'm fine," I told him. "Thanks guys for helping me get through this."

* * *

The weekend neared. Connor and Kate would be here Sunday to pick me up. Part of me couldn't wait to get home and sleep in my nice comfortable bed. The other part of me never wanted to go home.

On Saturday, I got to witness one of Zander's seizures. His arm started to twitch a little bit and then it got more intense. He looked at it and just waited. After a minute it stopped. He rubbed his arm for a few seconds and then saw that I was watching. "So, that's what I do," he said.

I teased, "Very cool."

He laughed. "Well, it's not quite as awesome as yours are."

I giggled. "I'm glad I got to see one. Did you know it was going to happen?"

"Yeah, I got this déjà vu feeling and there was a ringing in my ears," he explained.

"Must be weird watching it happen. I don't know if I could watch myself have seizures all the time."

"But, I only have a couple a year. It's not that big of a deal. The meds work great for me."

"Yeah, I wish they worked for me." I sighed.

"We'll find something that works," he said. "I know we will."

* * *

Sunday arrived and the campers were all picked up. Our families were told to come a few hours later because we helped clean up. When we were all done, we sat around waiting. Lainey couldn't stop crying. Owen was just pacing around in a circle.

"Come on guys," I said. "Let's be positive about this. We just spent one awesome month together. Something none of us dreamed of doing last year. So, if we can accomplish this, what can we accomplish for next year?"

"You won't forget me?" Lainey asked.

"Not a chance," Owen responded.

She looked over at me. "You either."

"No way," I hugged her. "You're the best friend I always wanted and we're going to stay that way. We'll figure it out."

Lainey turned to me and took my hand. "Teagan, when you have a seizure, feel my hand in yours guiding you back."

I was crying now. "I will. Thank you."

Owen hugged and kissed Lainey. They talked quietly for a few minutes. Zander pulled me close to him and kissed me. "I will never forget this past month. You have my heart," he said. My eyes got all teary again. "We will make this work. We will all be together again." He kissed me long and soft.

"Okay guys, the rest of the counselors are coming," Owen said. We had a big group hug.

We said goodbye to the other people we had met and slowly one by one cars pulled up. Lainey, Owen and Zander's parents showed up. They were all hugging. I saw Connor and Kate walking up. I ran to them and gave them a big hug. "You look so grown up," Connor teased.

"You look good," Kate said.

"Thanks." I smiled. "I'd like you to meet some of my friends. I brought them over to them. "This in Lainey, Zander and Owen. Guys this is Connor and Kate." They shook hands with them and with their parents.

A few minutes later, we all walked to our cars. I paused before getting in the car and waved at Lainey and Zander. Tears ran down my face. I could see that Lainey was crying too. I wiped them away and got in the car. "You okay?" Kate asked me.

I nodded. "Yeah. I had a really good time. Thanks for letting me come."

Connor turned around. "Anything to make you happy, Teagan." I had a feeling that someday I'd have to remind him he said that.
Chapter Eighteen

Three hours later, we were home. It felt good to be in a house. Kate cooked dinner while I unpacked. I took out my digital camera and uploaded all the pictures I took to my computer. I went through them. They made me laugh and cry. I'd have to email some to Lainey and Zander later on.

At the dinner table, I asked the big question. "So, what's the plan for the rest of the summer?"

"Well," Connor started. "Maddie and Mandi called. They offered to come here during the week. They said they could do two days each. So, Kate and I will alternate taking off the extra day."

"My friends are going to babysit me?" I asked.

"No, they're going to hang out with you. Teagan, they called wanting to help. They said they just wanted to be there for you. I offered them money and they wouldn't take it. I'll tell them no if you have a problem with it, but I thought maybe you'd enjoy spending time with them," Connor said.

I nodded. "It's fine." I remembered bringing the whole summer situation up with them on the last day of school. They must have concocted the idea of staying with me after that.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." I smiled. I wasn't really crazy about the idea, but I knew Connor didn't have much of a choice. "So, did you guys relax while I was away?"

Kate smiled. "We missed you, but we did relax and spent a lot of time together. As nice as it was, we're glad you're home."

Kate stayed home on Monday. She wanted to spend the day with me. We talked a little about camp, watched some TV, and went to the grocery store.

That night I got emails from Zander and Lainey. Zander wrote: "Teagan, I miss you so much. It was so good to hold you. My arms ache to do it again. I'm making plans to leave here. I've applied to the colleges near you. Keep your fingers crossed. Love, Zander."

Lainey wrote: "Teagan, I miss you! My Dad went to a hotel while I was gone. He's applying for new jobs around the country. Guess he doesn't want to be here anymore. This year is going to be long and hard, but now I see light at the end of the tunnel. I can't wait to see you again. Hugs, Lainey."

I wrote back to both of them filling them in on what the rest of my summer looked like, telling them how much I enjoyed our time together and how much I missed them. I attached one of the pictures of the four of us from camp.

The next day, both Maddie and Mandi showed up. We hugged and they started bombarding me with questions about camp. I answered them without telling them everything. "You met a boy?" Maddie asked.

"Yup," I answered. "He's the best."

"Wow! That's great! Did you guys... you know?"

"Did we what? Kiss? Yes. Anything more? No."

"Sounds like you had a good time," Mandi said.

"I did. It was nice being with people who are like me."

"Well, we may not be like you, but we sure do care about you."

I smiled. "I know, thanks. I'm so lucky to you have you both."

* * *

As the days wore on, one friend or the other would show up. Sometimes they would both show up. They would sit with me all day. We'd watch TV, have snacks, and just talk. It wasn't bad; it just wasn't all that good either. Not as an everyday thing.

I found myself comparing these friends to the friends from camp. It was interesting to see the differences. Although, Maddie and Mandi said they didn't care about the epilepsy, I'd find them staring at me occasionally. I realized it was usually after I had an episode. It didn't make me mad, they were just curious.

However, Lainey never stared at me, she just took my hand and went back to whatever it was she was doing. It was normal for her. Even though she didn't have the same kind of seizures, she didn't wonder as much.

Connor stayed home with me the next Monday. He was more like Lainey when it came to reacting to seizures, but he still would ask me if I was okay. He would watch over me and not relax. Lainey would be with me instead of watching and waiting for any hint of a seizure to strike. But, Connor didn't stare. Kate was mostly like that too. Connor and Kate, they've been around epilepsy for so long, it was normal to them. But, unlike Lainey, they didn't have epilepsy. That was the big difference.

* * *

The next Tuesday, I was walking from the kitchen to the living room with some popcorn so we could munch on it while watching a move. Both Maddie and Mandi had come to hang out that day. They were lying on the floor watching the TV. With no warning, everything went black.

"Teagan? It's Mandi. Can you hear me?"

I struggled to open my eyes. My head pounded as usual. "You okay?" Maddie asked. My eyes began to focus a little. "Mandi, get a pillow for her head." I felt them put the pillow under my head. "Teagan, we called Connor, he's on his way. He should be here in a few minutes. Is there anything we can do for you until then?" I tried to speak, but I couldn't. "Think she's okay?" Maddie looked up at Mandi.

"Yeah. Just let her rest."

"We'll be right here with you."

I closed my eyes again and let the darkness in. I opened my eyes again when I felt Connor pick me up. "Hey there. I'm going to go get your meds and a washcloth." He put me on my bed. "I'll be right back."

When I woke up again, I had the washcloth over my eyes. My head felt better. I took off the washcloth and looked over at the clock. It was three in the afternoon. Carefully, I stood up. My foot hurt when I stepped on it and my shoulder ached. I made my way out to the living room. Connor was watching TV. He looked up and smiled. "Hi. How are you doing?"

I nodded, "Okay." I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I had a bruise on my shoulder. I went back to the living room and sat down. "My foot hurts," I told Connor.

He sat up and took my sock off. "Oooh... looks swollen. I'm sorry. I should have noticed."

"It's not your fault," I said. "Do you think it's broken?"

He touched it. "Wiggle your toes." I did. "Does it hurt?"

"A little."

"I think maybe you just fell on it wrong, sprained it maybe? I'll get you some ice and then we can wrap it up."

I stayed on the couch the rest of the afternoon. Kate got home and made dinner. I hobbled over to the table to eat.

I had to be careful not to walk hard on my foot for the next few days. It really hurt to put a lot of pressure on it. But, by the end of the week it was feeling better.

* * *

Zander called me. "Hey you."

"Hi." I smiled at the sound of his voice.

"I got my acceptance letter in the mail today. I can start at the community college up there."

"No way!"

"My parents were pretty shocked that I was actually going to go through with it. But, I told them they couldn't keep me here."

"Wow! I can't believe you're going to go through with it!" I laughed.

"I want to be near you."

"When are you going to move?" I asked.

"Next week. Owen has the apartment now, so everything's set."

"That soon?" I was surprised and elated.

"I don't want to wait any longer," he answered.

And the next week, he did move. He left his comfort zone for me. He left his family and his doctors and all that, to move closer to me. It made me feel special. It also made me scared. What if we didn't stay madly in love? What if we broke up? He'd be stuck here for nothing.

* * *

My senior year of high school was starting in a week. I was scared and excited! I was ready to be done with school. And I've heard that senior years are the best. Would they be for me as well?

Now that Zander lived closer, he wanted to see me. But, that was going to be hard with school and my family life. I kept putting him off because I didn't know what to do.

"Don't you want to see me?" he asked on the phone one night.

"Yes, very much," I responded.

"Then tell me why you keep saying no."

I sighed. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I can't see you at school because they won't let you on campus and I get picked up by Connor or Kate everyday. I don't have alone time. I don't have a time where I can go to the mall and meet you. I have to figure something out."

"Just be honest. Tell them that you met me at camp and I'd like to come see you."

"I guess I could try."

The next afternoon, I got up my nerve and I talked to Kate first. "I wanted to talk to you before Connor because I'm afraid he'll be too overprotective."

"Okay..." She raised her eyebrows.

"I met this guy at camp. We kind of hit it off. He doesn't live too far. I'd like to see him," I told her.

She looked relieved. "You like someone?"

"Yeah. I'd like to get to know him."

"I don't see why you can't."

"Do you think Connor will have issues with it?"

"He might. Let me talk to him tonight and then you can talk to him more tomorrow," she suggested.

"Okay. Thank you."

The next day, I approached Connor about it. "I was hoping we could talk?" I said.

"About the boy?" He shot me a curious, but stern look.

"Yes."

He nodded. "I'm listening."

"You met him, at camp. We've been talking a lot since. He doesn't live far. I'd like to see him, get to know him."

"I don't know, Teagan."

"I've always wondered if anyone out there could love me or would want to love me. I've wondered if anyone would ever look at me the way you look at Kate. I really want a chance to find out," I begged.

He sighed. "How am I supposed to let you date?"

"Well, at first, maybe he could just come over. You could get to know him. Then maybe we could go somewhere on a date," I said, trying to convince him.

"How do I know he's a good man?"

"He is, Connor. I guess you'll have to trust me until you can see for yourself."

"Okay, he can come over for dinner Saturday night."

I threw my arms around him. "Thank you!"

* * *

I was very excited and nervous about Saturday. I told Zander not to say anything about talking to me online before camp. He arrived right on time. I opened the door. Zander stood there with flowers and a big grin on his face. I smiled as he handed me the flowers. "Thank you."

"You look beautiful," he smiled.

I blushed. "I'm in jeans."

"And you're beautiful in them."

"Come on in." I moved out of the way and shut the door behind him. He wore a pair of nice jeans and a polo shirt. I led him into the living room where Connor and Kate were waiting. "You guys remember Zander?"

They nodded. Connor stood up and shook Zander's hand. "Nice to meet you again. Welcome to our home."

"Thank you for having me," he said politely. I noticed he had tamed his hair for the night.

"Zander, please sit down," Kate offered.

We sat on the couch. Everyone was quiet for a minute. I wasn't sure what to say. Zander broke the ice. He started asking Connor about his job. I sat back and relaxed a little. Connor began asking Zander about college and what he planned on doing.

Dinner was ready about thirty minutes later. Kate and I got up and we set the table and served the food. It was delicious and Zander was very polite.

After dinner and cleaning up, we sat back in the living room. "I hate to pry into your personal life, Zander. But, I'm sure you can understand that I'm just worried about my sister."

"Of course," Zander answered. "Ask me anything."

Connor nodded. "Tell me about your epilepsy."

"I have simple partial seizures. Only one part of my brain is involved. The symptoms depend on what part of the brain the seizures occur in," Zander began explaining his seizures to Connor and Kate. He told them what happened when he had one, what he felt, and what part of his body jerked around. "The biggest difference of all is that I'm fully conscious during them."

That seemed to surprise Connor. I could tell from the look on his face that he didn't realize some seizures were like that. "Really? You can see yourself seizing?"

"Yes and it is weird. I can't stop it. But, I can stay away from dangerous predicaments."

Connor sat back. "Do you take medication?"

"Yes, I do. It works pretty well. I only have a couple seizures every year."

"Have you ever been injured as a result of one of your seizures?" Connor asked.

Zander nodded. "Before I was diagnosed, I had a babysitter who tried to hold my arm down to stop the seizure. My arm ended up fractured. They did tests at the hospital and that was when I was diagnosed. I have never had any other injuries related to the seizures." Zander told the truth.

"You have feelings for my sister?" Connor asked.

I felt the blood rush to my face. "Connor!"

Zander put his hand on mine. "It's okay. I don't mind answering these questions. Yes, I have feelings for her."

"Do you understand her type of epilepsy?" Kate piped in.

Zander nodded. "As well as I can. I don't have the type of seizures she has, so I can't fully understand what she goes through. And I didn't grow up with someone who had them, so I can't understand it as well as I'd like to. But, I do know what they are; I have read all I can about all the different types of epilepsy. Teagan and I have talked about her seizures. And at camp, I got to see her have them. I'm not an expert on them, but I'm learning. I can tell you that she's had two absence seizures since I got here."

I looked over at him. "I have?"

Kate nodded. "That's right. You're observant." She shot Connor a look.

"Thank you Zander for being so open and honest with us. We really appreciate it," Connor said. "I'm sure you can understand why I'm so protective of my sister. I've watched her grow up with this. And now, I'm her guardian. I'm responsible for her. I know she wants to date you. I want to let her. It's hard for me to let her out of my sight knowing her seizures are not under control. What will you do when she has a seizure and you are alone with her?"

Zander sat back. "I've thought about that many times. Of course, I hope she never has another seizure. However, I believe I am prepared. I know what to do; I know what not to do. It will be hard if we are at the movies or a restaurant. I will need to find a place for her to lie down," Zander explained what he would do.

Connor looked over at me and then back at Zander. "That brings me to your car. What happens if you have a seizure while you are driving?"

"It hasn't happened yet. That doesn't mean it won't. I know that. However, every time I have had a seizure, I have had a warning. These last about twenty to thirty seconds. That would give me time to pull over. I can't give you a guarantee that I won't ever have one while I'm driving. But, I plan on protecting your sister, not hurting her. That's what I can promise."

"Well, I can say that you seem to be a gentleman with a good head on your shoulders. I know that you don't plan on hurting Teagan. It seems that you would know what to do if she had a seizure. I'm sure you can understand that it is still hard for me. I love her. I don't want to see her get hurt." He smiled at me. "I would not be against you dating her. But, I want you to stay here for a while. Until I'm more comfortable. You can come for dinner or to watch movies and we'll go from there. Does that seem okay to you?" he asked Zander's opinion.

"Definitely. I think it's a great idea."

Connor stood up and pulled Kate up. "We are going to go into our room now and we'll give you two some time to yourselves."

I smiled up at Connor. "Thank you."

He bent over and kissed my forehead. "I love you."

"I know. I love you too."

Once we were alone, Zander leaned over and kissed me. I closed my eyes and kissed him back. After, a few seconds, he broke the kiss and sat back, leaving me wanting more. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too." I answered back. It felt good to have his arm around me. We cuddled for a little while and talked. He left a couple hours later. Back in my room, I wrote an email to Lainey telling her all about his visit. It seemed like I might get some happiness in my life after all.
Chapter Nineteen

School started on Wednesday, it was much easier starting this year. Maddie waited for me outside the school and we walked in together. "We're seniors this year!" I giggled.

"We rule the school!" Maddie hollered.

I had a couple classes with Maddie and a couple with Mandi. It was good to be together. I knew if anything happened, I'd be in good hands. This year, everyone was aware of my seizures. Kids didn't seem to stare at me as much. I didn't hear as much whispering behind my back. The freshman would probably be the problem this year. When a seizure hit at school, they would be the ones talking.

Zander continued to come over every weekend. He'd spend the evening with us. Sometimes he brought pizza or some other take out food for everyone and we'd watch movies.

Lainey and I talked more often, either on the phone or online. We had become even closer friends and it was good to be able to open up to her. She rambled on about Owen the same way that I did about Zander.

I was glad she had somebody to care for. She kept saying that she planned on moving here when she graduated in June. She had even told her parents that she had had enough and was going to college somewhere else. They of course didn't like that idea, but Lainey wasn't giving in.

I started looking at all the colleges around. I wanted to go. I needed to figure out what I wanted to do and what colleges would offer that. Mrs. Tavi was going to help me with that.

Zander had been seizure free since that one at camp and he was able to drive more freely now. He wanted to take me out to dinner and a movie for my eighteenth birthday. But, when I asked Connor, he said, "No."

"Why not?"

"It's not safe."

"Yes it is," I argued.

"I can't let you get in a car with someone who has epilepsy."

"He's not like me," I said. "His is controlled."

"Nothing about this condition is predictable. We don't know if he'll have another seizure or not. And you will not be in the car when it happens."

I sighed. I was not giving up. This was my birthday! "Okay," I paused. "How about if you drive me there."

Connor looked up. "What?"

"You drive me to the mall. We have dinner there and then go up to the theater," I suggested. "When we're done, I can call you and you can come get me."

He didn't respond right away. "What if you have a seizure there?"

"What if I do?"

"What will you do?"

"Same thing I do at school. People will help. Zander will take care of it and he'll call you." I put my arm around Connor. "You can't be with me my entire life. You have to let me live and you have to live a little yourself."

He shook his head. "Mom and Dad wouldn't approve of this."

"They're not here. It's you and me. If Mom and Dad had their way, I'd be locked in that house like a dirty secret."

"Teagan! That's not fair. They never thought of you like that."

"Sometimes it felt like it. I wasn't allowed to do what other kids did. I wasn't allowed to meet new people. I wasn't allowed to go to school or to date. Thank goodness they let me have a computer. It was a connection to the outside world. I think I would have gone insane if it wasn't for that computer," I told him. "Don't be like them. Don't keep me locked up, even if it's just for my safety. If something happens, it'll happen. If I have a seizure and die, then so be it, but at least I will have died while living."

Connor looked defeated. "I will drive you and pick you up."

I smiled. "Thank you."

"You have me wrapped around your little finger."

"I know. That's what little sisters do."

* * *

On Saturday, Connor kept his word and drove me to the mall. I told him what movie we were going to see and an approximate time. "Call me when you're ready."

"I will."

He looked over at Zander. "She is not to get in your car."

"I understand," Zander said.

Connor nodded and took off. "I'm sorry about this," I apologized to Zander.

"Are you kidding? This is wonderful! To be out with you is great, especially on your birthday. I can stare into your eyes at dinner and hold your hand during the movie. If providing the transportation is what Connor needs to do to feel you are safe, then let him do it," Zander said, taking my hand.

"You're right. Let's go enjoy our night."

We walked into the mall. It was crowded with people, mostly young adults, having dinner, going to a movie or just hanging out. I saw a lot of people who I went to school with. Some of them actually did a double take. I think it surprised them that I was with a guy, holding his hand.

The night went really well. The movie was good and when Zander held my hand, that awesome, tingly feeling came back. When it was over, I held my end of the bargain by calling Connor and telling him to come. Zander and I walked down to where I was supposed to meet Connor. "I had a great time," he said.

"Me too."

He lifted my chin and with out noses almost touching, he pressed his warm lips against mine, sending a shock through my body. This was a kiss that I had dreamt about. It was real, passionate, and left me yearning for more. A perfect end to a perfect birthday.

After I got home, I had cupcakes with Connor and Kate. They gave me a beautiful necklace. Then I talked to Lainey, who called almost every day. She was having a lot of problems adjusting to her parents divorce. She felt that she had caused it; even though her parents told her it wasn't her fault. She was constantly in the middle and it hurt her. She couldn't wait to move out.

* * *

The weeks went by quickly. I had so much going on that it was almost overwhelming. I had to slow it down by taking a lot of breaks. I made sure to get enough sleep, but sometimes I came pretty close to the line. I had lots of homework and tests. Preparing for the SATs and narrowing down colleges took up a lot of time.

* * *

"Teagan, are you okay?" Kate asked.

I looked over at the door where she was standing. "Yeah. I'm just mentally exhausted."

She walked over to my bed where I was laying and sat down. "Being a senior is very hard. There is a lot to do. But, don't forget to take advantage of the fun."

I smiled. "I'm trying."

"I know. You only get to do this once. So, do it well."

My seizures never let up. I was still having absence seizures every day and an occasional tonic-clonic. The medication was helping a little bit and the surgery option was always in the back of my mind.

As spring arrived, so did prom, the senior trip, senior skip day and all the fun things. It was time to plan for them all. Kate took me out shopping for my prom dress. It was the kind of thing sisters did. We went to a lot of different stores and tried on a bunch of different dresses.

I decided on one dark purple dress. It showed off my figure well. It was a little shorter than knee length and very expensive. "Every girl needs this dress. This one and your wedding gown are the ones to splurge on," Kate told me as she paid for the dress. "I remember when you're brother took me to the prom. It was a dream come true."

* * *

The SATs were very hard on me. I knew the stuff, that wasn't the problem. It was the seizures. I was so worked up about the tests that I had more seizures than normal. The weeks surrounding each test were horrible.

Days flew by. The end of school was in sight. But, beginning college was scary as well. It would be a new school with new students who would have to get used to the girl with epilepsy.

I got two acceptance letters back and now I was faced with the decision of which college to go to. I had decided to go into a science major. I was thinking of either medical research or forensic science. Both seemed like fascinating jobs where it wouldn't hurt anything if I did have a seizure.

I was pleasantly surprised to get a scholarship at awards time. I guess somebody thought I had done well in school and deserved it.

I took Zander to my senior prom. Well, rather, Connor took us to my prom. Kate helped me get ready. She did my hair and make up for me. When I was done, I stood in front of the mirror. I couldn't believe I was about to go to my senior prom. "You are beautiful," Connor said stepping into the room.

I blushed. "Thank you."

"Who knew my baby sister would turn out to be a smart and beautiful young lady?" he smiled. "I wish Mom could see you now."

"She can," I said. "She's always with us, Connor."

He nodded. "I suppose so. Zander is here. You ready?"

I smiled. "I am."

He put out his arm and I took it. He led me out into the living room. Zander stopped talking to Kate when he saw me. His face lit up. "You look stunning."

"Thank you," I said. He took out the corsage and pinned it on my dress. "It's perfect."

"Let's get some pictures," Kate said, grabbing the digital camera, and started taking them. We posed for a few before getting into the car. Kate handed me the camera. "Take lots of pictures. It's a night to remember."

"I will."

Off we went, in Connor's car of course. The prom was being held at a local hotel. Connor pulled up to the entrance and a man opened my door. "Teagan?"

"Yeah?"

"Be careful. If you have any problems, just call me. And when you're ready, call me and I'll come get you. Whatever time it is."

"Okay, thank you." I blew him a kiss.

I took Zander's arm. "Are you ready?" he asked.

"Oh yes! I have been ready my whole life." I smiled.

We walked in. The place was decorated with balloons and our school colors. We checked in and got in line for our pictures to be taken. After that we made our way into the ballroom. I spotted Maddie right away. She had saved a table for us. "Oh Teagan, you look gorgeous!"

"You too." I hugged her. "Maddie, this is Zander."

They shook hands. "It is nice to meet you, Zander."

"You too."

Mandi walked in a few minutes later and I introduced her to Zander as well.

"Teagan, do you want to dance?" Zander asked.

"Yes, I do." He led me onto the dance floor and we danced for a while. "This is wonderful," I said with tears in my eyes.

"Why are you crying?"

"I just never thought... that I'd be here... And to be here with you, the one I love, it's perfect," I smiled through the tears.

He kissed me. "I love you, Teagan."

I closed my eyes and we danced to a few more songs. My feet were aching, so we gave it a break. We sat at the table and talked to some of my friends.

It was a wonderful, magical night. A special night that I would cherish forever. It seemed like such a dream. The lights, the music, the atmosphere was perfect. Zander made my night complete. As we danced, he told me, "I never went to my prom."

"Why not?"

"You weren't there." He smiled.

I giggled. "That's the reason you didn't go?"

"Sort of. I didn't have anyone that I wanted to take. Nobody special. I guess maybe I knew that I was going to fall deeply in love with you and it didn't matter that I didn't go to my prom."

I smiled. "Then this prom counts for both of us."

Our dinner was served and it was delicious. We both had the chicken. We each got to take home a souvenir cup. It had the school's name and date engraved on it. A token from this magical night. I wished that it didn't have to end. Why couldn't life just stay like this? This was easy, it was simple, and it was amazing. We stayed until the very end and then Connor came to get us.

Back at home, I said goodbye to Zander. "Thank you for the best night of my life."

"I'm sorry it can't be more," he said.

"This was perfect. I couldn't ask for more."

He leaned in and kissed me. Afterwards, he said, "Someday, I will give you more."

Somehow I knew he would. I watched him drive away and then went inside to bed. The next morning, I called Lainey and told her all about my night. She didn't go to her prom. I guess she was a little like Zander. She had nobody she really wanted to go with, so she didn't go. If only Owen had been able to go with her. I wanted her to be happy too.

* * *

"What movie are we watching tonight?" I asked.

"I brought over Narnia," Zander said.

"I love that movie."

"I know you do." He handed it to me. I threw it in the DVD player. Connor and Kate came and watched too. They sat on the floor and I snuggled up to Zander on the couch. Half way through the movie, I got up, "I have to go to the bathroom."

"Do you want us to pause it?" Connor asked.

"No, I know what happens." I hurried to the bathroom because I did want to get back and watch the movie. When I stood up, everything started to spin. I grabbed onto the counter. Down... I told myself. I need to get down. But, then it all went black.

My head throbbed. "Teagan?" Someone said.

I opened my eyes, but I couldn't focus. "We're going to get you in bed."

"Let me do it," I heard Zander say.

I felt myself being picked up and then put down on a much softer surface. "She likes cool washcloths over her eyes. It helps with the light and the pain." Kate said. I closed my eyes and she put the washcloth on. "She'll sleep for a while now."

"Do you mind if I stay for a little?" Zander asked.

"Sure," Connor said.

"Thanks," Zander replied and I felt him take my hand. I tried to squeeze it, but I didn't have the strength. "Just rest my love," he whispered. And I did.

When I woke up, it was much later. I looked around, wondering if Zander was still here, but I was alone. It was the middle of the night. I got up and got a glass of water. That's when I saw him. He was sleeping on the couch. I smiled. He had stayed. Connor had let him. That was such a big move on both their parts. I went over and kissed him gently. He stirred a little and opened his eyes. When he saw me, he smiled and whispered, "Hi."

"Hi."

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Thank you for staying."

"Thank Connor."

"I did." I kissed him again. "I'm going to go back to bed."

He nodded. "See you in a few hours." He watched me go back to my room and then closed his eyes again. I got in bed and went back to sleep.
Chapter Twenty

A few weeks later, we were sitting at a restaurant waiting for our waiter to take our order. We hadn't gone out alone since the prom. We were celebrating the last day of school. It was over. We toasted with our sodas. "Goodbye high school," I said.

"To a good summer," Zander said. We toasted and drank. We talked a little about the summer. "What do you wanna do this summer?"

I sighed. "I think... I wanna have that brain mapping done. Maybe surgery. That will probably put a pretty good damper on my summer."

He nodded. "True."

"I'm scared, Zander. I'm scared to do it and I'm scared not to do it. What if there is nothing they can do? What if they can operate?" My voice quivered. "I don't know which is worse."

"I know. It's a hard decision. But, it's one you have to make."

"What would you do?" I asked him.

He shrugged. "I don't know. The medication is working great now. I probably won't ever need the surgery. I think that if I had as many seizures as you do, I would try and have it."

A tall man dressed in a black uniform walked up to our table. "Can I take your order?"

We ordered our dinner and then continued talking about college. I started to feel warm, then hot. I licked my lips. The room began to fade. Oh please not now, not here. "Teagan? You're pale... are you okay?" I shook my head, but I couldn't respond verbally. "Okay, we need to lay you down." The last thing I saw was Zander standing up and reaching out to me.

I could hear a lot of noise. "Sir, the ambulance is on the way."

"I told you we don't need one."

"It's policy."

"Her brother is on his way..." I heard Zander say. "Hey... are you okay?"

I could see him, but he was all blurry. "Sorry..." I muttered.

"Don't be. It's okay." He stroked my face. I closed my eyes again. All the noise hurt my head so much more.

"Sir, could you get out of the way?"

"No. I'm fine, thanks."

"Sir, please, we need to help her."

"She's fine. She has epilepsy. I just need to get her home."

"Are you refusing her medical care?"

"No..."

"I want her checked out," someone demanded. "I don't want a lawsuit later on."

"No one is going to sue you," Zander said. "Check her out if you want, but I'm not moving."

"Ma'am, can you hear us?"

I opened my eyes again. "Mhmm."

"Does anything hurt?"

"Head."

"Do you have epilepsy?"

"Yeah."

"Here it is, Mark."

"What?"

"Her bracelet."

"Do you want to go to the hospital?"

"No," I whispered.

"Can we get you on the gurney and out of the dining area to wait for your brother?"

"'Kay." I closed my eyes again.

They rolled me and put me on a board and then lifted me up onto a stretcher. I heard buckles and then felt the rolling. Zander never let go of my hand. A few minutes later, I heard Connor, "Excuse me... that's my sister."

Someone brushed my hair out of my face. "Teagan?" Kate said. "I have some ice, can I put some on your lips?"

"Please..."

She let the ice melt a bit on my lips. It felt good. "You doing okay?"

"Yeah..."

I was so tired. I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to get out of here and go home to my nice safe bed. "Are you sure you don't want to us to take her to the hospital?"

"No thank you," Connor said. "You said you looked her over, right. No concussion or broken bones."

"Right."

"Then she'll be fine. Hey Teagan, I'm going to get you home now."

He picked me up and carried me off. Zander opened the car door and he kissed me softly on the lips. "I love you."

"Love you..." I whispered back.

I woke up in my bed hours later. I knew what needed to be done. I got up and walked out of my room. Connor and Kate were sitting at the table. They looked up as I approached. I sat down across from them and said, "This has to stop."

Connor looked at me and nodded. "I know." He couldn't say more. Tears ran down his cheeks.

Kate looked like she had been crying too. "Is everything okay?" I asked.

She nodded. "Yes. It's hitting us that you're not a little girl anymore. You're a woman now and that you need to make your own decisions about your life. And that scares us."

"It scares me, too," I admitted.

"Letting go is hard," she said.

"What if you die, Teagan?" Connor asked. "What if you have this surgery and you die?"

They had me in tears now. "I... I don't know. Maybe I will. But, I guess then that's better than living with these constant seizures. Never knowing when or where they will strike."

"I don't think dead is better."

"You don't have to live with them. You don't wake up wondering what happened, where you are, if you're okay."

"I know," he said. "But, I'm responsible for you. What if you don't die? What if you end up permanently brain damaged?"

"I think that's what scares me the most. I could handle dying. I know I'd go on to a better place and never have another seizure. But, if I end up brain damaged, what happens then? I know most people think people who are, aren't there anymore, but what if they're wrong? What if they know exactly what is going on? What if they lay there every day not being able to move, to talk, to eat, even go to the bathroom," I paused thinking.

"Connor... I know this is hard. I think that the brain mapping is the right thing to do and maybe the surgery. If I die, I die. If I don't and I end up brain damaged, I need you to promise me some thing."

"What?"

"One, that if it's so bad that I'll never ever talk again or at least be able to watch TV, that you will pull the plug..."

"Teagan!" Connor interrupted, jumping out of his chair. "I am not killing you."

"Yes, Connor, if I'm on machines, you have to take me off. I don't want to live like that. I can't. And you need to do that for me."

Kate nodded and took Connor's hand. "Listen to her."

"Can you do that? Can you remember me how I am now rather than what I would be? Would you be able to do that?"

"You would really want to die?"

"Than to live like that? Yes."

It took him a minute, but then he nodded. "Okay."

"There's more. If I am not on machines, but not able to function like I do now, I want you to put me in a home of some sort. I don't want you to take care of me for the rest of your lives. I want you to have a life, to have children, to go on vacations. Can you promise me that?"

"Why? Why couldn't you stay here? We could hire a nurse," he said.

"No, I don't want that. You put me somewhere, but you better come visit." I tried to smile.

He sat back down and put his head in his hands. After a few minutes, he said, "Okay."

"Thank you," I said and wiped away my tears. "Now, about the surgery."

Connor laughed. "What about it?"

"I want to see what the doctor says. I read up on it. I know they do testing beforehand. I know that will tell them if they can operate. If there's a good chance that they can do something, I want you to give permission for that."

"Are you sure about this?" Kate asked. "Really, really sure? I know you say dying is better than living like this forever... but are you sure?"

"Yes. I love you both and I love Zander." I smiled, thinking of him. "I really do. I never thought I would have a boyfriend, never thought somebody would love me that way. He does. I have friends now. I want a life. I need a life. I want to go to college, I want a job and I want to get married. Surgery is the only option."

"Teagan... what happens if they do the mapping only to find out they can't operate?"

I sighed. "Then I'll deal with that. And I'll go on living the best way I can."

Connor nodded. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"You're not a little girl anymore and you need to choose. I'll do what you want."

I smiled and squeezed his hand. "I may not be a little girl anymore, but I'll always be your little sister."

With that, we both started crying again. He hugged me until the tears stopped.
Chapter Twenty-One

A few days later, I sat nervously in the neurologist's office. Connor sat with me. "You're shaking," he said.

"Yeah."

"Teagan Kavanagh?" the nurse called.

Connor and I got up and followed her back to an exam room. After she took my vitals, Dr. Logan came in and examined me. "You look good," he said. "Your log has seen better days."

I laughed. "That's the truth."

He leaned up against the counter. "So, it's May. You said you'd think about doing the brain mapping this summer. Have you decided?"

"I'd like to go ahead as soon as possible," I said.

"What about you, Connor?"

"She's eighteen now. She doesn't need my permission."

"True. But, I'm sure she listens to you."

"We've talked," Connor said. "She wants a life. Surgery might give that to her."

"You do know that there's a chance it won't?"

"Yes," we both said.

"I want to make sure you know exactly what is going to happen and what to expect."

I nodded. "Bring it on."

Dr. Logan laughed. "First we will do some basic tests. You will have blood work, MRI, and other tests done. Then I will admit you to start the process. We have different phases. Phase one is where we will attach electrodes to the outside of your head. Just like a regular EEG. But, you stay in the hospital and we monitor you for twenty-four hours. If this doesn't give us what we need, we move on to phase two. This is more invasive. We will have to shave your head and then put the electrodes inside your head. Then we monitor you for about a week."

"Wow." I sat back.

"You didn't realize how long it would be?"

"I guess not. I figured a day. I really have to wear those things inside my head for a week?"

"Yes."

Taking a deep breath, I said, "Okay, I can do that."

"After the testing is done, we will be able to figure out if we can do any surgery to help. It could be taking out a piece of your brain. However, with generalized seizures, it's usually much harder. If we can't pinpoint exactly where the seizures originate from, then we could do a surgery that would separate the two halves of your brain."

"Is that dangerous?"

"Only the normal brain surgery risks," Dr. Logan said. "You'd remain in the hospital for about a week, possibly more."

"What will it be like afterwards?" I asked.

"You'll have some discomfort. I usually give my patients Tylenol with Codeine. Lots of headaches and nausea are normal for a couple weeks."

"How long is the recuperation period?" Connor asked.

"Anywhere from two to eight weeks."

"And what about the other operation, taking out part of her brain?"

"If we determine that the seizure starts from a certain area of her brain and if that area doesn't affect her memory, speech, eyesight, motor skills, and so on, then we can remove that part of the brain."

"And she'd live normally?"

"Yes. Like I said, there are always risks. If everything goes well, then the numbers of seizures should decrease dramatically. I can't say whether she'd ever be seizure free, but there's a chance."

"So, can I go in and have the testing done and then decide based on the findings?"

"Yes."

"Okay." I looked over at Connor. "Is that okay with you?"

He sighed. "It scares the crap out of me. But, if that's what you want—"

"It is."

"Okay," Dr. Logan said. "Let's get you set up. I can get you in for testing as soon as possible." He led us out to the desk and spoke with the nurse. We went and sat down with her. She got on the phone with the hospital and within minutes, I had dates set up for everything to be done.

* * *

A week later, I had my graduation. The ceremony was long, but very exciting. I sat dressed in my black cap and gown and waited for all the speeches to be done. Then they started calling our names. "Teagan Kavanagh." I was very nervous walking across the stage. I'd be thrilled to get off the stage without a seizure. People were clapping and cheering for me. It was a great moment. I shook the principal's hand and got my diploma. Then off the stage and back to my seat I hurried. Phew!

After the ceremony was over, I met up with Connor, Kate, and Zander. We all hugged. Connor snapped pictures. Maddie and Mandi came over and we talked and shed a few tears. "I can't believe high school is over."

"Yeah. I wanted to thank both of you for being my friends. I couldn't have gotten through the past two years without you. I hope that we will stay friends even though we won't see each other all the time."

"Oh, Teagan, you'll always be my friend," Maddie answered. She hugged me.

"Mine too." Mandi joined in the hug.

"I didn't want to tell you this before. I needed time to think about it and make sure it's what I wanted to do," I paused. They both looked very confused. "I'm going into the hospital next week to have some testing done and possibly have surgery. I'm hoping that maybe it'll lessen the amount of seizures I have."

"Brain surgery?" Maddie asked.

I nodded. "Yes."

"Wow," Mandi said. "Do the doctors think it'll help?"

"There's a chance it will," I smiled. "It's something I have to try. Maybe you guys can come visit. I don't know how strict they are, but you can call Connor and he can let you know when is good."

Mandi pushed her hair out of her eyes. "I hope it works, Teagan. I will come visit." She hugged me.

Maddie hugged me too. "I'll be there too."

"Thanks."

After more pictures, we left and went out to eat. Everyone was a little on edge about the upcoming week. Nobody knew what to say. "Come on, guys, we have to talk, we have to have fun, it might be my last week alive," I tried to joke.

"Teagan!" Connor muttered running his hand through his hair. "Why do you have to say stuff like that?"

"I'm trying to get you all to lighten up. I'm scared enough for all of you. If something does happen, I want to go out loving life, not being bored."

Zander took my hand. "We're scared too, Teagan. None of us wants to lose you."

"I know, but I want to have some fun. 'Kay? To put the surgery out of my mind for a little while. Please?"

Everyone nodded. "Okay."

"Good, so what can we do that's fun?" I asked.

"How about a really big brownie sundae?" Kate suggested.

"Mmmmm, now that sounds delicious!" We went ahead and ordered one and we all shared.

Knowing that I loved to play miniature golf, Connor suggested going to play. Zander and Connor even goofed off a little. It was so good to see Connor bonding with him. I let myself imagine the future for a few minutes. I could see them being brother-in-laws. I think they'd really like each other. Connor just had to ease up a little. I knew that was hard for him since I was his responsibility. If Zander and I got married, he'd have to give that up and I'm not sure he'd like that.

After the game, we went home and I made some plans for the rest of the week. I called Lainey and asked her what was going on. She informed me she was getting on a train with a few suitcases and coming down on Monday. Owen offered his place again, to the both of us actually. The college that we both decided on was the one Zander and Owen went to. It made sense for all of us to live together.

I wasn't sure Connor would go for that quite yet. I told them maybe in a few months. If the surgery went well and I recovered, then maybe I could talk him into that. But, with the college being forty minutes away, I wasn't sure how I'd get there every day. Those details would be worked out later... after the surgery.

I finally got Connor to allow me in Zander's car. So, we told Lainey we'd meet her at the train station. I tried to plan the days after that with my friends and my family. I had to be at the hospital at seven o'clock Thursday morning.

Sunday, Kate and I went to a movie and out for ice cream. "I know you don't want to talk about it," she said, licking her cone. "Connor is very scared. He's been crying every night, praying to God that you'll be okay, begging your parents to forgive him."

I nodded and looked down. "I'm sorry."

She put her hand under my chin and brought my head back up. "Don't be sorry. Just don't die." Her brown eyes filled with tears.

I hugged her. "I have no plans on doing that."

She laughed. "Better not!"

* * *

I woke up very excited Monday morning, it was the day Lainey was arriving. She would be here that afternoon. I couldn't wait! Zander was picking me up at two o'clock, but first I had to go to the hospital real early with Connor to do pre-op testing. I had blood drawn, left a urine sample, had an EKG and EEG done. We got home at nine and Maddie had come over until Zander picked me up, so Connor and Kate wouldn't have to take off more time. They were both taking a lot of time off for the surgery and the weeks after. We played some board games and watched some TV. Maddie asked lots of questions about the surgery. "They're going to what?"

"If they can tell where the seizures are, they'll either take out that part of the brain or disconnect the two halves."

She had this horrified look on her face. "Seriously?"

"Yup."

"Wow!" She seemed amazed by what I was telling her.

The doorbell rang at 1:30 and I raced to answer it. Zander scooped me up and kissed me. "Hi beautiful."

"Hi yourself."

He looked past me. "Hi Maddie."

"Hey." she waved. "How are you?"

"Great, because I'm in love."

I blushed. "I love you."

He kissed me again. "We'd better go."

I hugged Maddie. "Thank you. I will see you later."

"You bet," she said and headed out the door.

"I still can't believe Connor finally let you ride in my car," he laughed.

"I know. It seems unreal. But, he's known you for a while now. I think he feels safer letting me go with you. He knows you'll take care of me."

"Always." He kissed me again. "You feel so good." I let my mind wander. Nobody was home right now. I could take Zander to my room and we could be alone. "Teagan?"

"I was daydreaming," I told him.

"About what?"

"Us."

"Oh yeah?"

I giggled. "Yeah, being alone in my room..."

He smiled. "That sounds nice."

"Do you want to come in?"

He thought for a moment. "I do. But, I don't think we should. I don't want to give your brother anything to use against us, ever."

"He won't know—"

"I love you, Teagan. And I'll wait—"

"But, what if I die and we never can," I interrupted. I led him inside a little bit so I could close the door.

"Don't you think that's crossed my mind?"

I kissed him. "Don't you want to?"

"More than you know," he muttered. He kissed my neck. I closed my eyes and brought his hand to my breast.

"I want you to... I need you to," I whispered. I was against the wall now. I pulled off his shirt. His chest was so perfect. I kissed him over and over again. Then I took his hands and led him to my room.

"Teagan..." he kept protesting.

"Shhh... please, love me the way I've only heard about..." He guided me to my bed and took off my shirt. He kissed my body while caressing it. It felt so wonderful. A tingling sensation ran up and down my body. "It feels so good."

I unbuttoned his pants and pulled them off. He yanked off my pants. I rubbed my hands over his body. "I don't have protection, Teagan."

"I do," I whispered. "In that drawer." He gave me a look. "It's from health class."

He laughed and grabbed it. I hit the alarm clock so the music would come on. Zander slowly took my underwear off while kissing my body. "You are so beautiful."

Our eyes met, his green eyes sparkled. "I love you, Zander."

"I love you, too." He kissed me on the lips again. "Are you sure?"

"More sure than I've ever been about anything."

He nodded and kissed me passionately. We made love. It was amazing. It was everything I had hoped it would be and more. Our bodies became one, even if it was just for a few minutes. Afterwards, we lay there, silently. Zander held me. Having his arms around me, loving me, it was a dream come true. I never wanted this to end.

"We need to go," he whispered.

"Okay." I smiled and sat up. I kissed him. "Thank you."

"It was my pleasure."

We got dressed quickly, "Why don't we take our trash with us just to be safe."

Zander nodded. "I was thinking that, too."

I made up my bed and we left.

Thankfully, we made it to the train station in time. We sat on the bench waiting for Lainey. Zander had his arm around me. "I feel so different," I told him. "I feel loved."

"You are." He kissed the top of my head. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too."

Owen came walking up. "Hey guys."

"Hi." I looked up at him, "How was work?"

"Boring." He shrugged. "The train get here yet?"

"They said it was pulling in, so she should be here momentarily."

After a few more minutes, I finally saw Lainey. Her brown hair was a little longer than the last time I had seen her. She had on a little bit of makeup – not too much – just enough to highlight her best features. She wore jeans and a purple t-shirt. I ran to her and we hugged. "I'm so glad you're here!"

"I'm glad to be here." she laughed. Then she kissed Owen and hugged Zander.

"We're all together," I said. "This is how it's meant to be."

We walked out of the station feeling like we were on top of the world. Nothing could bring us down. We took Lainey out for dinner and we stayed out late, just talking. It was so good to be together again. Our own little epilepsy club. Having Lainey with me was wonderful. It was like a part of me had been missing and now I was whole again. I started crying when I realized she was holding my hand. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"I've missed you." I wiped away my tears.

She hugged me. "I missed you too. But, now we're together and every time we are and you have one of those crazy little episodes, you'll find my hand in yours."

I smiled through my tears. "Well, hopefully, after next week, I won't have many of those episodes."

She squeezed my hand. "I hope it works."

"Me too." I laughed.

Zander dropped me off at home by ten o'clock. That way I could get some rest. They promised to see me tomorrow. Zander and I kissed goodnight. "I will be dreaming about you," he said.

"I bet I'll get there first. You still have to drive home."

"True."

"Then I'll see you in my dreams."

"I long for the day when we can dream side by side, when I can hold you all night long and wake up next to you."

"It will happen," I promised, being optimistic.

He pulled out my ponytail and smelled my hair. "I'm going to miss this."

"Will you still love me when I'm bald?" I asked.

"More than ever," he answered. We kissed again and I went inside.

* * *

The next two days, I spent with Zander, Lainey, and Owen. We went to the mall and Lainey got to meet Maddie and Mandi. "So you all have epilepsy?" Maddie asked.

They all nodded. "Wow! Now, we're in the minority." Mandi laughed.

"I'd share, but you wouldn't want it," I joked. The boys just hung around goofing off following us from store to store while we spent the day shopping for hats and scarves for my head. No parents around. No siblings around. Nobody watching my every move. Just me and my friends.

"So, you just hold her hand?" I heard Mandi asking. We were having lunch in the food court.

I looked down and saw that Lainey was holding my hand. "Yup," she answered. "It's our thing."

I smiled and squeezed her hand. "It helps me know that I was gone for a minute and I know somebody's there for me."

"Always." She smiled and let go.

"That's neat," Mandi said.

"My mom would do it. Lainey kind of took her place now that she's gone."

"Are you nervous about Thursday?" Maddie asked.

"Yeah!"

"You don't seem it."

"I'm trying not to dwell on it, which is very hard. I'm just trying to have a good time before I have one awful summer."

We spent the rest of the day together and I went home after dinner.

"You enjoying yourself?" Connor asked.

"Yeah. It's so great to be out with my friends. Thank you for letting me do this."

"You're welcome. I know it's what you want. I'm a little stressed out, but at least you're enjoying this week. The rest of the summer won't be so awesome."

"I know. It's going to be hard. But, I have you and Kate and all my friends to come cheer me up."

He nodded. "So, what do you have planned for tomorrow?"

"Just hanging out, I guess. My last day. I'm going to eat something scrumptious and laugh a lot."

"Okay." He hugged me. "I'll see you tomorrow then." He went off to bed.

Wednesday flew by. I did exactly what I said I'd do. We all went to the park and I stayed on the swings for an hour. I had always loved to swing. I had a greasy cheeseburger for dinner and another brownie sundae for dessert. I ate it all myself. "You sure you're okay?" Lainey asked.

"Nope, I'm a nervous wreck. I can't stop thinking that this might be my last day alive. Or my last day as a walking, talking person." I swallowed hard. "I keep second guessing myself."

"You can cancel it."

"No, I know I have to do this. But, there are always the 'what ifs'."

"You're going to be okay," she said. I nodded praying that I would.

It was very hard to walk in the house when they dropped me off. Everybody hugged me. They all looked like they were just barely hanging on. I wiped my tears away. "I expect to see you all tomorrow while I'm still aware."

Lainey gave me a big hug. "I love you."

"Love you, too."

Then Zander kissed me. "You remember how much I love you."

I nodded. "I love you."
Chapter Twenty-Two

The walk from the car into the hospital was a quiet one. Connor and Kate walked hand in hand in front of me. I followed slowly, pausing before going inside. I took a last look at the outside world. Breathing the morning air in deeply, I closed my eyes and nodded to myself. I needed to do this. It was my only chance.

I got put into an observation room and all the paperwork was completed. A technician attached a bunch of electrodes to my head. Now I had to spend the next twenty-four hours like this. I prayed that this would show the doctors what they needed to know so they wouldn't have to do the other part of the test and could get right to the surgery.

The room was big. It had brown walls, almost like a hard wood floor. The floor was a shiny green color. The bed was a basic hospital bed. There was a rocking chair, a sleeper chair, and a couple regular chairs in the room. The room had its own bathroom, which was nice. Mirrors lined one of the walls. Behind it was an observation area with all kinds of computers and things. There would always be someone there. There were also computers in the room, so the doctors could work with me. I noticed a couple video cameras around so they could record everything that happened. There was one big window that let in some light. Thankfully, there was a TV to keep me busy.

The day passed slowly. All my friends were allowed in because there wasn't anything real important going on. They had weaned me off some of the medication. I had lots of absence seizures. I constantly found Lainey holding my hand. I didn't have any tonic-clonic seizures though.

The night was even longer. I didn't sleep well. Dr. Logan came and saw me the next morning. "The test didn't show enough. If you want to proceed, we will take you to the OR. When you get there, we will shave your head, and make an incision. We will have to take a part of your skull off and insert the electrodes. Then we will close your scalp. When we are done, you will have a CT scan, and then come back to this room. What do you want to do?"

"All my hair?" I ran my hand through it.

"Yes," he replied, confirming what I already knew.

Locking eyes with Connor, I nodded. "Okay."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"I'm not positive how aware you'll be this week. You might want to do any talking you need to now," he said. I met his eyes and nodded understanding this was his way of telling me to say goodbye just in case.

I swallowed hard. "Connor, thank you for letting me do this."

"I just hope it helps." He wiped away his tears.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"You will stay, right?"

"I'm not going anywhere."

"And let Zander and Lainey come in when they allow it. It's okay. They help me be strong. Whatever the news is... good or bad, okay?"

He nodded. "Okay."

"Promise? And promise to keep all your promises from before?"

"I promise." He bent over and kissed me.

"Kate?"

She looked up through her tears. "Yeah?"

"I love you, too. Take care of Connor."

She took my hand. "I love you, Teagan. I'll be right here with you."

I turned to the doctor. "I'm ready now."

* * *

I was in what seemed to be a dark fog. I could hear people talking, I could hear machines humming, but I could not wake up. I was so tired. A while later, someone shone a light in my eyes. I stirred. "Teagan, its Dr. Logan. Can you open your eyes for me?"

Slowly, I opened them. "Thank you. You have gotten through the surgery," he said. "All the electrodes are in place and now hooked up. We did the scan, which looks good, and you've been sleeping for a few hours now. We are going to wean you off the rest of the medication slowly. As your body gets less and less, you will probably start to have more seizures. We're going to monitor them. Then we will proceed with mapping your brain." I couldn't respond. I just didn't have the energy. "I told your brother all of this; he will remember it for you."

A few minutes later Connor and Kate came in. I couldn't keep my eyes open for very long. I smiled at them and closed my eyes again. I could hear Connor crying, but I couldn't comfort him. My head hurt too much and I was just so tired.

When I opened my eyes again, Kate was sitting next to me, holding my hand. "Hi." She smiled seeing me awake. I smiled back. "Connor went to the bathroom. He was a little... emotional." I could tell that she had been crying too.

"Do I... look... that... bad?" I managed to ask.

She smiled again. "No, Honey. It's just hard to see you like this."

I let my fingers explore my head. It was covered in bandages. "My hair..." I was surprised I felt such a loss. I didn't think I'd care that much about it. Now, the tears ran down my face.

"I have it," she said, surprising me. "I didn't know if you'd want to keep some or if you'd want to donate it or have a wig made, so I asked the doctor for it." I smiled. Why didn't I think of that?

I closed my eyes again and tried to relax a little. I knew I was on pain medication, but my headache was horrible. Why couldn't they give me more meds? I tried to stay awake a little longer. I looked around the room. I wondered how many people were behind the mirror, watching. "Does it feel weird?" Kate asked.

"Just hurts."

"I bet." she sighed. "Zander and Lainey are out in the waiting room. We all told them we didn't know when they'd be allowed in, but they insisted on staying anyway." I smiled. It made me happy to know how much they cared. "Maybe they can visit before your seizures start in?" she suggested. "Would you like me to ask? Or would you rather they not see you?"

"I'd like to see them."

"Okay, I'll go see what Dr. Logan says."

A while later, I heard the door open again. When I opened my eyes, I saw Lainey and Zander. "Hi."

"Hi." Zander leaned over and kissed me on the lips.

"How are you feeling?" Lainey asked.

"Bad," I told her.

She took my hand. "You're so swollen."

"Side effect."

"Wow, there is a lot going on in here," Zander said, looking around.

They stayed for a few minutes. "We have to go. But, we're going to be back soon. We'll be here so much, you will be begging us to leave." Lainey giggled. I smiled. Then she looked real sad and serious, "I know this was your choice and we're supposed to be happy that you might get better, but I hate seeing you like this. I hate not being able to be in here with you, holding your hand." Tears ran down her face.

I squeezed her hand as hard as I could. "You're always holding my hand."

She smiled. "That's right. Even when I'm not here. You remember that every time you have a seizure or if you feel lonely or scared."

"I will."

She smiled and hurried out the door.

Zander kissed me again. "I love you."

"Love you, too."

That's all he had to say. I saw it all in his eyes, the fear and the love.

Connor and Kate came back in just as I drifted off to sleep.

"Teagan?" I heard voices. "Can you open your eyes?" I did. "Good, you doing okay?"

"Yeah," I mumbled.

"You've had two seizures in the last hour," Dr. Logan said.

"Good," I said, before drifting back to sleep.

* * *

Over the next forty-eight hours, I had four tonic-clonic seizures and a whole lot of absence seizures. I felt like I was constantly having them. "Is it going to keep getting worse?" I asked.

"Possibly," Dr. Logan replied. "We're going to try and get started on the mapping tomorrow."

I tried watching some TV that night, but it was ridiculously hard. The number of absence seizures I was having was making me miss more than half the shows. At least it gave me something to do though.

The next day I was out of it a lot. Dr. Logan was there and he was talking, but I missed most of what he said. He talked a lot about the mapping procedure they were going to be starting. "Teagan?"

I opened my eyes again. "Yeah?"

"I'm going to start in a few minutes. The computer will send messages to the electrodes and they will test the different parts of your brain. Your arm or leg might move on its own. I will be asking you to identify pictures and you might not be able to say the word. That's okay. We need to find out where in your brain all this takes place," Dr. Logan explained. "You ready?"

"Yup." I said, forcing a smile.

The testing got underway a few minutes later. At first I felt nothing. Then – just as he said – different parts of my body would tingle. My arm moved by itself. It was really weird. After a couple hours of this, a nurse came and held pictures in front of me. "I need you to tell me what each one is."

"Okay."

She held up a picture of a plane, dog, house, and other very easily identifiable things. She held up colors, numbers, and letters. I found myself stuttering at times. I'd stop and not be able to say the word. I knew that this is what Dr. Logan had been talking about, but it was strange and frustrating not being able to say the words.

I saw my arm start twitching at one point and I heard someone yell to stop the testing. I actually felt myself losing control. Then I lost consciousness.

I woke up later and they tried to finish some of the testing they had been doing. I had only answered a few questions when I felt another one coming on.

Voices woke me the next time. "Don't you have enough yet?"

"Almost. There are still a few areas left we need to test."

"I can't..." I mumbled.

"Teagan?" Connor took my hand. "How are you doing?"

"I can't keep doing this."

"Doctor, I understand that you need more information. She's had way too much for today. Can you finish it tomorrow?" Kate asked.

"That would be fine," Dr. Logan replied. "Teagan, get some rest. We'll finish up in the morning."

"Can she go back on the medications?" Connor asked.

"No. But, we can give her medicine to stop the seizures, if she has one."

I fell asleep again. I couldn't stay awake. I dreamt of my mother. We were walking on a beach. The sun was shining down on us. I let the waves touch my toes. It was a nice peaceful dream. My mom held my hand. I heard other voices. They seemed like they were coming from the clouds. I realized that someone was talking in the room and I opened my eyes. Lainey was there and she was holding my hand. "Hey," she whispered.

I smiled. "Hi."

"How you doing?" She looked like she was holding back tears.

"It's okay," I lied.

"They let us in for a few minutes. I wanted you to know that we're here."

I squeezed her hand a little. "I know."

"You can do this. Finish it and be done." She smiled, giving me some encouragement.

"Yeah..."

Zander came into view. "Hi beautiful." I tried to laugh, but I just couldn't. "You're doing great," he said. "I love you."

"Love you," I whispered.

I tried to sit up a little bit as Dr. Logan came in. "Good morning, Teagan. How are you doing?"

"Tired," I answered, rubbing my eyes.

"We'll get started in a few minutes. Hopefully, we'll be done in a couple hours."

"How long until we get the results?" Connor asked.

"Not too long," Dr. Logan answered. "We've gone over some of what we did yesterday. If we finish early, we should know by the end of the day or tomorrow what we're going to do."

Kate and Connor took turns sitting next to me and holding my hand. I tried to pay attention and do what the doctors wanted me to do. Again, my body reacted in weird ways sometimes. Towards the end, I had another seizure.

When I woke up, my head pounded, my body ached and I just started crying. I was so drained and weak. "Done?" I asked.

"I have two more to do," Dr. Logan said. "Can you bear with me?"

I wiped my tears away. "I'll try." It was the longest twenty minutes of my life. The pain was horrific. The lights hurt my eyes. The normal hospital noises made me cringe. "Please..." I begged.

"We're done, Teagan." I closed my eyes and took some deep breaths. I could hear him talking. "We'll go over everything and let you know." The doctor gave instructions to put me back on the meds and let me rest. I slept for the rest of the day.
Chapter Twenty-Three

My head was still throbbing, but I tried to concentrate on what Dr. Logan was saying. "The results of the brain mapping pretty much showed what I feared. We cannot narrow it down enough to take a piece of the brain out. However, the other surgery we talked about is still a very good option. It's called corpus callosotomy. There are fibers connecting the two sides of the brain, we cut them."

"Does it help?" I whispered, not remembering what was said about it before.

"It's about 70% to 90% helpful. I believe it will reduce the number of seizures you have. Instead of having one a week, you might have just a few every year. This surgery prevents the spreading of seizure activity from one side of the brain to the other."

"How is the procedure performed?" Connor asked.

"She'll be put under with general anesthesia; we'll expose the brain and pull the two hemispheres slightly apart. Then we cut the fibers. That's it. We close up."

"Sounds so easy," Kate said.

"It is still brain surgery. There are still risks, the biggest being bleeding and air embolisms."

"Brain damage?" I asked.

"Hopefully none. There is always that risk. There have been reports of a weakness on one side of the body, bladder incontinence is another that has been reported but it's associated with damage done in surgery.

"Some people have reported an increase in aggressive outbursts, but those were in people who also had mental handicaps. Some patients find themselves more aware of their surroundings or may be frustrated more easily," he took a sip of his coffee. "Right after the surgery, you may not be able to verbalize readily or respond like normal. But, usually by the second day the patients begin to return to normal.

"We will do an MRI after surgery, but before you come back to your room. Now, you may have a bunch of seizures the first week. For some reason, many patients have a really bad first week or two after surgery. Then the seizures reduce or go away."

"Is this my only option?" I asked.

"We can always stop now and try new medications. Or continue on the medications you're on now and just deal with the seizures. But, surgery wise... this is it."

"Can we have a few minutes to talk about it?" Connor asked.

"Of course."

The doctor left and we sat silently in the room. I opened my eyes and looked at Connor. The lights, even though dimmed, seemed so bright, that it made my head hurt even more. Tears ran down my face. "I have to do this."

Connor took my hand. "Are you absolutely sure?"

"Yes."

"You could die."

"I know."

"You could be brain damaged."

"I know."

"You could have stupid little things wrong with you."

"I know."

"You want to anyway?"

"I can't live like this anymore." I trembled.

Connor wiped his tears away. "Teagan, you do know there is a chance this might not help at all?"

I looked away. "It has to."

"But, it might not," he said louder.

"I know."

"What will you do if it doesn't work?" he asked.

"I don't know. All I know is that this is my only option to possibly have any type of normalcy in my life. I want to go to college, I want to get married, I want to have a job. If that means brain surgery, so be it. If that means I'm tired or weak or have speech problems for a little, I can handle that. I can't handle having these seizures every few days. It's killing me. To only have a few every year..." I sighed, thinking of how wonderful that would be.

"But, it's not guaranteed."

"I know! I have to have faith that it'll work. You and Kate need a life too, Connor. Your life didn't include taking care of your sick baby sister. We all need this."

Kate stood up and walked over to us. "We love you, Teagan. And we will take care of you if you don't want this surgery or if it doesn't work."

"I know."

"I think you should do it though."

Connor looked up at her, surprised. "Kate?"

"Connor, this is her life. Let her decide and we'll be here no matter what."

After a couple minutes, he nodded. "Okay. This is what you want?"

"Yes."

"I'll go tell the doctor."

"Thank you." I forced a smile. "Could you fill Zander and Lainey in and let them come in?"

"Sure."

I closed my eyes. I wished Mom and Dad could be here right now. I knew they'd watch over me. But, I'd love for them to hug me and tell me it would be okay. A few minutes later, I heard the door open. I forced my eyes open again. "Hey," Lainey walked over to one side of me and took my hand. Zander came to my other side and took my other hand. "How are you feeling?"

"Really bad." I held back my tears.

Zander kissed my hand. "Connor told us what they're going to do. Separating your brain?"

"Yeah."

"That sounds freaky," Lainey said.

"Yeah." I smiled.

"Well, least they're not taking out part of your brain," she joked.

"True. I... ah... I love you guys." Lainey started crying. "Don't... please." I squeezed her hand.

"I'm sorry." She took a tissue and blew her nose.

"It'll work, Teagan. Don't worry," Zander assured me. "You have a wonderful doctor and the risk that something will go horribly wrong is very, very small."

"I want... you both to be here."

"We will."

Zander leaned in. "I'll see you in your dreams."

* * *

Surgery was scheduled for the next day. I slept most of the day away. I was still so tired. I was able to talk to Connor and Kate a little bit and watch some TV.

In the morning, the nurses were busy getting me ready. At seven, it was time to go. Connor and Kate walked next to me as I was wheeled to the OR. "We'll be here when you wake up," Kate promised.

Connor used his shirt to dab his eyes. "Last chance," he said.

"I'm ready." I held back my tears. I wasn't really ready for anything. I was so scared. I wanted to yell "stop" and run out of the hospital. But, deep down I knew I had to do this.

Kate kissed my cheek. "See you soon."

I smiled. "Take care of him."

"I will," she promised.

"And make sure he keeps his promises."

She bit her lip and closed her eyes for a few seconds. "I will."

"It's time," the nurse said, peeking in the OR room.

Connor kissed my forehead. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

The nurses turned the bed and wheeled me into the OR. I could hear Connor sobbing before the doors closed. The room was bright and had tons of people rushing around getting things ready. I was transferred to another bed. Dr. Logan came into the room, "Good morning, Teagan. Are you ready for a wonderful day?"

I laughed. "I hope it is."

"We are going to put you to sleep and get started, okay?"

I nodded. "Yes." Tears ran down my face. I was a little nauseous.

His smile faded. "Are you sure, Teagan?"

"Yeah, just scared."

"That's completely normal. It's brain surgery. I promise to do my very best," he said.

"Thanks." I smiled.

"Ready?"

"Bring it on."

He laughed. "That's my girl!"

The anesthesiologist put the mask over my face and I felt myself fading into the darkness.

A warm glow appeared in the distance reminding me of a light seen through the fog. My eyes were still adjusting when I could see the shape of a person standing there. I recognized my mother immediately. "Mom?" I cried out, happy and scared at the same time. My mind was trying to process why I was seeing my mother, but my heart didn't care.

"Teagan." She smiled. With her long, wavy, red hair framing her oval face and her vibrant green eyes, she was exactly as I remembered. I threw my arms around her and she held me for what seemed like hours. I felt warm and safe in her arms. When I finally dared to step back and look at her, she ran her hand down the back of my hair and said, "My beautiful girl, how you've grown."

"I've missed you so much, Mom."

"I know. But, we're together now."

I started to worry about her words. "Am I dead?" I asked. I thought about Connor, Kate, Zander, and Lainey waiting for me to come out of surgery.

She stroked my face. "No, Sweetie, you are not dead."

Relief washed over me. "Where are we?"

"Somewhere special. Somewhere I can tell you how proud of you I am."

Guilt overcame me. "I'm sorry, Mom."

"Sorry? For what?"

"Having the surgery."

"Oh Honey, you have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one who should be sorry. I was so protective of you that I didn't let you live your life. I'm so glad that you are having this surgery and I'm so happy that you have found love and friendship in your life. You are so brave and I'm so proud of you."

Tears fell down my face. "Really?"

"Really."

"I'm scared, Mom."

"Don't be, Teagan, it'll be okay."

The glow dimmed a little. "I don't want you to go," I said.

"I know. But, you have a life to live."

"It's not the same without you." I cried.

"I'm so sorry that I had to leave you." She took my hand. "But, remember I'm always here, I'm always holding your hand."

Throwing my arms around her again, I sobbed into her chest. "I love you, Mom."

"I love you, Teagan."

And then she was gone, and I was alone again, in the darkness.

* * *

The first thing I saw was Connor sitting next to me, holding my hand. Then I saw that Kate, Zander and Lainey were all there. "She's awake," someone whispered.

"Teagan... how do you feel?"

It took me a few minutes for me to get the words out. "Head... hurts..." I whimpered.

Connor smiled. "Good, that's good."

I closed my eyes again and went back to sleep.
Chapter Twenty-Four

The next time I opened my eyes, I was in a different room. There were no windows; it was a boring room with lots of machines. One wall was entirely made up of windows. I could see nurses and doctors through the window. It was loud and the lights were bright. Connor was next to me asleep with his head on the bed. I was able to move my arm and I rested my hand on his head. He stirred and looked up. When he saw me awake, he grinned. "Hi."

I struggled for a minute. "Hi." My throat was sore.

"How are you feeling?"

"'Kay."

"It's so good to hear your voice!" He squeezed my hand.

I was quiet for a minute, trying to think of the words I needed. "What day is it?" I asked.

"Friday. The surgery was yesterday morning."

"Oh."

"You're in the ICU until tomorrow. Then they will move you to another room."

Closing my eyes, I focused on the next question I had. "Seizures?"

He nodded. "You had a couple. Dr. Logan says it's very normal to have a whole lot the first week. Your brain is sort of freaking out."

I was able to stay awake for a little while, but then fatigue set in and I went back to sleep.

The next time I woke up, I realized it was much brighter. There was a big window in the room now letting the sunshine in. The walls were white with a flower border going around the top. My head still pounded. It was like someone was inside my head with a hammer.

I could see Connor sitting in a chair watching TV. I smiled. What an awesome big brother he was. I was blessed to have him in my life. "Connor," I whispered.

He jumped a mile. "Teagan, you scared me!"

I smiled, unable to laugh. "Sorry."

"You sleep good?"

"Yes."

"You're doing great! They moved you out of the ICU this morning. You've been stirring, but not waking much. Dr. Logan says it's just your way of healing." He took my hand. He had bags under his eyes. I bet he hadn't left the hospital for anything in the last few days. "You have a little bit of a fever, but they ran some tests and there isn't an infection. I guess sometimes it just happens. Your face is really swollen too. The doctor says that will go down in a few days."

"Seizures?"

"A few twitches here and there but no more big seizures," Connor answered. "Dr. Logan said that maybe tomorrow you could get out of bed and start walking around. If all goes well, you should be out of here in a week."

"Good." I smiled.

He kissed me on the forehead. "You feel okay? Normal, I mean?"

"I guess..." I didn't know how to answer.

"Dr. Logan said the brain scan looked good. He said he didn't think there was any brain damage. I guess I'm just wondering if you can tell?"

"I... I think... I'm okay." I still felt like me.

He sighed. "Good. Everyone is still here. Are you up to seeing anybody?"

I hesitated. Part of me didn't want to, I knew I looked horrible and I felt worse. The other part of me yearned to have everyone here with me. "Yeah."

He nodded and kissed me on the forehead. "I love you, Teagan."

I smiled and told him I loved him back. He left and I felt my head. It was lightly wrapped with a gauze type bandage. I could feel the incision underneath it. I reached over and grabbed the tray table that was near the bed. I pulled out the drawer, which always had a mirror in it. I popped open the mirror and gasped at my reflection.

Even knowing what to expect doesn't help actually seeing it. I looked like somebody had punched me in both eyes. They were swollen and bruised. My nose looked swollen too. Even though the bandage covered my head, you could tell I had no hair. I was a sad, pathetic sight. Silent tears ran down my cheeks. I closed the mirror and pushed the table away.

I closed my eyes and tried to tell myself that it would all go away. The bruises would disappear, the swelling would go down, and my hair would grow back. It would be okay. I heard the door opening and opened my eyes. Kate came in and smiled. "Hey you."

"Hi."

"How are you doing?" she asked.

"Okay," I lied. She looked tired too.

"So, that means you feel like crap?"

"Yeah." I smiled.

"It's okay," she took my hand. "You look like you've been crying." I nodded. "Why?"

I searched my brain for the word I wanted. "Everything."

"The pain?"

"Yeah... and... me." I shrugged.

"You? What do you mean?" she asked. I tried to hold back the tears. "Let it out, Teagan. You've been so brave. It's okay to cry." I nodded and started sobbing which made my head hurt even worse. She held me for a few minutes. "It's going to be okay. You're doing great."

I sat back and took a few deep breaths. "Thanks."

She smiled. "Anytime."

The door opened again and Zander and Lainey walked in. Kate stood up and got out of their way. "You know these two have been here around the clock. We let them peek in on you earlier. I think they needed to see for sure that you were still alive," Kate told me. "I'll let you guys talk." She slipped out the door.

Zander walked up to my right side. He bent over and kissed me gently on the lips. "Hi. How do you feel?"

My lip quivered. "Bad," I answered truthfully.

"You look great."

"Liar."

Lainey walked up on my other side. "You do look good for someone who just had brain surgery. I expected much worse."

I giggled.

"So do you feel different?" she asked.

I shrugged. "No." It was weird knowing my brain was... disconnected.

They joked around a little bit trying to cheer me up, but I wasn't in the mood. I should be jumping up and down joyfully that I'm alive and well. I was thrilled that I was, but my mood was just down. I was still tired and weak. "Hey, are you okay? You seem sort of... out of it."

I shrugged. "Tired."

"You are okay, right? I mean, the doctors say you'll be okay? You're not hiding anything from us?" Lainey asked.

"No. I'm okay." I took a deep breath and spoke slowly. "I just... ah... looked in the mirror."

"Oh," Lainey said.

"I expected it... still surprised me," I said, fighting the tears again.

"It'll all go away," Lainey said taking my hand.

"I know... just in shock." I stumbled on the words again.

"Teagan, you're still beautiful," Zander told me.

I smiled. "Thanks."

"And we both still love you," Lainey said.

"Love you too," I said, squeezing their hands with the little energy I had. "Been so out of it... don't 'member much. Seems like... just checked in and now... look like a freak." I was having some trouble with words and it was starting to bother me.

"You do not look like a freak!" Zander said. "You had brain surgery. Your face swelled up a little, it's okay. It'll go back down in a few days."

"Hair? Come back... few days too?"

He sighed. "No, but it will come back. It's not like it got amputated!" He raised his voice.

I was taken aback by that. I looked down knowing he was right. All this stuff was just temporary. There were kids losing their arms or legs and even hair to cancer every day. Mine would come back soon and I'd be okay. "You're right," I mumbled. "Sorry."

"No, you're going through normal feelings," Lainey said. "It's okay. We are both here for you. I'm so glad that I got moved down here in time for this."

"Thanks." It really meant a lot that they were here for me.

Connor and Kate walked back in. "Still okay?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Dr. Logan is on his way in."

"Okay, they stay?" I asked.

"Sure, if that's what you want."

I nodded.

Dr. Logan walked in a minute later and smiled, "You look great, Teagan." He looked in my eyes and had me squeeze his hand. "How do you feel?"

Again, it took me a minute to get the words out. "Like my... brain got... separated."

"Oh, you're being funny now?" he laughed. "Are you in a lot of pain?"

"Yes," I said more seriously. "Never had a headache... this bad in my life!"

"I will give you more pain meds. What else is going on?"

"Tired... weak."

"Normal. You will be for a few days. You'll be tired, your body will ache, and your head will hurt. You might even feel a little nausea," he told me.

"What about the twitching?" Connor asked.

"Just her brain in shock." he smiled. "Seizures and twitching are both normal as well. I expect them to stop within a week."

"What if they don't?" he asked.

"Then we'll deal with it," he answered simply. "We are keeping you on all the same medications that you were on. In a year, we will wean you off. You may need to stay on some medication even though you had this surgery. I am still very hopeful that you will see a huge difference in the number of seizures you have."

"Did you do a partial or a complete?" Connor asked.

"I decided to do a complete callosotomy. I think it was the best thing to do in her case."

"What does that mean for her recovery?"

"I think she's doing excellent so far. She's having a little trouble with speech, but we will do some testing tomorrow to see if there are any problems?"

"Testing?"

"Almost like the mapping. We will show her pictures and have her tell us what they are. We'll ask her to read and write and do some math problems."

"Anything else we should be aware of, Doctor?" Connor asked.

"We've discussed all the basics. She may still have seizures; she could have auras, headaches, and nausea. These things are very common for a couple weeks, and even depression. That's why she stays here for so long afterwards. We keep an eye on all this for the first week or so. Then we know better what we're dealing with before she goes home."

"Okay, thank you." Connor shook Dr. Logan's hand.

"Teagan, do you have any other questions?" Dr. Logan asked.

"No," I said.

"I'll be around if you do," he said and walked out the door.

I closed my eyes. Just talking had taken a lot out of me. "Teagan?"

"Mmm?" I opened my eyes again.

"I'm here to give you some more pain meds, okay?" A nurse was standing beside me.

I smiled. "'Kay"

"Is there anything else I can get for you?" she inquired.

"Darkness?"

"Excuse me?" she asked.

"So bright... hurts my head," I tried to explain.

"Can I help with that?" Zander asked.

The nurse nodded. "Sure."

Zander went into the bathroom and came back out a minute later with a washcloth. "Can I put this over her eyes?" he asked.

The nurse nodded. "Just keep it away from the wires and bandages on her head and it should be fine."

"Great." he smiled. He stroked my cheek and kissed me gently. "Get some rest. I'll close the blinds, too."

"Thanks," I muttered, closing my eyes. Zander put the cool washcloth over my eyes and I slipped into a deep sleep.

* * *

The next day, Dr. Logan came in with a technician. "We're just going to show you some pictures, ask you some questions, okay?"

"Okay." I felt a little better than the day before. I wasn't quite as tired. They showed me picture after picture. Sometimes I had a hard time getting out the word for it. I was glad that Connor wasn't in the room. I didn't want him to worry.

After an hour of testing, Dr. Logan sat down. "Do you want me to wait for Connor to get here?"

"No," I answered warily.

"You're having some problems getting your words out quickly and in the tests you had some trouble connecting words with images. It is very subtle. I don't think it'll be a long term problem," he explained.

"How long?" I asked worried.

"Might take a couple months, but I think it'll work itself out. We do need to tell Connor," Dr. Logan said, he must have been reading my thoughts. I rolled my eyes. "He should know. It's not like it's a permanent problem."

I sighed. "Everything else okay?" I asked.

He nodded. "Yes. I'm very pleased. Your cognitive skills and your motor skills are fine." He smiled. "I think in a few months, you'll be 100%. It's going to take time to heal and recover. You can't go moving out next week."

I laughed.

Dr. Logan laughed too, and then he got this very serious look in his eyes, "Teagan, you must remember, that I didn't cure you. Hopefully, the surgery helped reduce the number of seizures you have. Please don't get discouraged when you do have a seizure. I truly believe that you won't have as many. You have to keep taking the medicine."

"I understand."

"I know you say that, but the first time you have a seizure you may feel depressed or disappointed. Don't. Give it time."

I nodded. "Okay."

"We will talk more about what to expect in a few days. Right now, you still need to rest and heal."

"Bandages off?"

"They'll come off before you leave and you'll be able to wear a hat."

"Okay."

"Your hair will grow back quickly." He smiled and patted my arm before leaving.

I was pleased with the news he gave me. I knew I might have difficulties, so to only have my speech affected wouldn't be too bad.

Connor was real understanding about it too. I was afraid he'd start ranting and raving about it. But, he didn't. He just told me to let him know if I needed any help at all.

Maddie and Mandi came every day to say hi. They brought magazines to look at. They'd talk about life outside the hospital, normal people stuff.

After convincing everyone to go home and relax, I sorted through cards and gifts that had poured in from our family in Ireland. I talked to Grandma, who had called every day. It was always nice to hear her voice. It reminded me of the voice I missed most, my mother's voice.

I remembered the conversation I had had with my mother while in surgery. I hadn't told anyone about that, I wasn't sure if I was going to. It had been so wonderful to see her and talk to her. Knowing she was proud of me meant the world to me.

Life was so odd. My safety net had been taken away, I had been thrown in with the sharks, and I survived. If my parents hadn't died in that crash, I wouldn't be here in the hospital now. I wouldn't have gone to camp. I wouldn't have met Zander, Lainey, or Maddie. I felt guilty enjoying my life now; it almost felt like I was glad my parents had died. But, I wasn't, I missed them terribly. This was God's plan. Somehow, it all worked out.

Lainey and Zander continued coming every day to visit. Owen usually came with them. Lainey and I would watch soaps together while the boys took a break. Zander would talk to me about our future while Owen and Lainey went for a walk.

It was so nice to have my family and friends surrounding me with their love and support.
Chapter Twenty-Five

Seven days after my life changing brain surgery, I had experienced lots of twitches, but no big seizures. I was up and walking the halls as much as I could, even though I was still weak and very tired. I continued to have a pretty bad headache and I was nauseous a lot. But, it was slowly getting better. Dr. Logan said I'd probably be able to go home in a couple days. I was looking forward to that.

On the eighth day, I experienced my first real aura. Many times before a tonic-clonic seizure would hit, I would get a glimpse into an aura, but I always started seizing before really experiencing what it was like.

Lainey was in the room and we were talking and all of a sudden it hit. The room started getting further away and the colors stood out. At first, I was scared because I thought I was going to have a seizure. I felt like I was in a dream. It was like I had been here before. The scents and sounds were familiar. It was peaceful.

I could hear Lainey calling to me, but the dream was so vivid that I didn't want to ruin it by trying to respond. She must have pushed the button because when the dream started to fade, I realized the room was full of people. "Teagan? Are you okay?" Lainey was asking. She was holding my hand.

I smiled. "If that was a... seizure, I wouldn't mind... having more."

"What?"

"It was like... a dream..."

"I think it was an aura," the nurse said.

I nodded. "Yeah."

"I'm going to let Dr. Logan know," she said and left the room.

"It was neat," I told Lainey. "Did I shake?"

"No," she said. "Not a bit. You just stopped talking. I thought that maybe you were having an absence seizure, but then you're eyes were moving and I hadn't seen you do that in one of those before."

Dr. Logan confirmed that I had my first real aura experience. He said many times, people get them after surgery.

* * *

On the tenth day after surgery, I was discharged from the hospital. Dr. Logan came and took my bandages off. "Thank you for letting me operate on you," he said.

I laughed. "Thank you for doing it. I'm not sure... many doctors would have." My speech had gotten a lot better, it wasn't perfect yet, but I was closer.

"You deserve to have a life. I've watched you grow for so many years."

"It's not like you'll... never see me again."

"I know. You need to come see me in a month and you still have to come in every six months. I've just watched you go from a scared little girl to a beautiful young lady with a boyfriend! Do you remember all the times you used to cry and say you'd never have friends or a boyfriend?"

"Yeah... wasn't so long ago."

"Now look at you."

I nodded. "You've been a big part of all that."

He smiled. "Thank you." He gave me the bandages. "You have a beautiful bald head." I was glad nobody else was around for the unveiling.

I giggled. "Thanks, I think."

"The incision site looks good. It is healing very nicely." He handed me a mirror. "You ready?"

I took a deep breath and then looked in the mirror. Tears sprang to my eyes. The bandages had given me a false sense of security. To see my bald head was hard. "Wow."

"It'll grow back fast."

"I know."

He sat down next to the bed. "Do you remember everything we've talked about?"

"Yeah. Don't get... discouraged if I have... another seizure."

"That is the most important one. Do you know that we've documented about five absence seizures since the surgery?"

"No."

"They are still there, just not as much. You only had a few tonic-clonic seizures and they were right after the surgery, but none since."

"That's good."

"Take your meds. Keep track of any seizures you do have."

"What about the auras?"

"I don't know for sure how your brain will react. It could have been a one time thing or you could have a couple."

I nodded. "No big deal. It was kind of cool."

"So, I've heard." He smiled. "Now, you're being sent home with pain medication. Take it when you need it. Your head might hurt for a while longer. Call me if you need more. You should have enough to get you through a month. The nausea should go away. You're pretty steady on your feet. Your speech has already shown much improvement. As far as connecting words with pictures, I think that will work itself out in the next couple months. Don't bend over and don't lift heavy things. Use ice packs for pain or itchiness from the incision."

"What about being so tired?"

"You just had brain surgery. You need to recover. Most patients feel weak, fatigued, tired for a good month after surgery. Also, I want you to continue on the anti-depressant you've been on. Many patients get depressed after surgery. That will help with it."

"Okay."

"I've already told all of this to Connor and Kate. I want you to take it easy for the summer and I will see you in a month. Obviously, if you have any questions or concerns, call me."

"I will. Thank you, Dr. Logan."

"You're welcome, Teagan."

* * *

Kate came in as soon as the doctor left. "I brought the scarves and hats you bought."

I smiled. "Thanks."

I could tell she was trying not to look at my head. "Which one do you want to try?"

I went through them all and she helped me try on a bunch of them. I finally settled on a green scarf that matched my eyes. Kate helped me put it on.

"It looks good," Lainey said, walking in.

I blushed and muttered, "Thanks."

"It does. Better than that white piece of tape that was on your head," she smiled.

I laughed. "True."

Kate stood up. "I'm going to go see where Connor is." She said and left.

Lainey squeezed my hand. "What's wrong?"

"It's stupid really," I said, dabbing my eyes with a tissue.

"No, it's not stupid if you're feeling so sad about it," she said.

"But it is," I insisted.

"Teagan, it's okay, you can tell me anything. You know I won't think differently of you."

"I... I don't want to be ugly," I said. "See, it's stupid. I miss my hair. I know that I just... survived brain surgery and I should be... thrilled. I know that my... epilepsy is going to be better now. But... I'm worried that Zander will be... repulsed. I'm worried about what... people are going to say. I'm worried that you... won't want to be seen out with me. Even with a hat on... you can tell I don't have hair!" I started to sob.

"Oh Teagan..." Lainey wrapped her arms me. "You're my best friend. I don't care if you have hair or not."

"Not now, but what about when... we're out together? People will stare."

"Who cares? Let them." She reached up and grabbed the scarf.

"What are you doing?" I yelled.

"Looking at your head," she said and that's what she did. She just looked at it. "It's a head."

"An ugly one."

"No, a beautiful one," she opened the mirror. "Do you know what this head signifies?"

"No."

"Life. You can have a life now. But, the hair had to go for a while in order for you to get one. It was a sacrifice. However, that hair is going to come back as red and full of life as it once was. I know that Zander still loves you. I don't care if other people stare. You're my best friend and I will be here no matter what."

I smiled through my tears. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." She hugged me again. Then she tied the scarf back on my head. "Are you ready to get out of here?"

"Yes!"

Connor came in with a wheelchair. "Your chariot awaits, my lady."

I laughed again. It was so good to be alive. Zander was behind him, he came around and helped me get out of bed and into the chair. "Home, Connor, take me home!" I commanded jokingly.

"Yes Ma'am."

We left the hospital and I didn't look back. The sun felt so good on my face. The hot, humid air made me feel alive. Zander helped me get into the car. I was off to start a new life.

When I got home, Connor helped me into the house. "Surprise!"

As I looked around the room, I saw the faces of the people I loved. Connor and Kate had invited Zander, Lainey, Owen, Maddie, and Mandi. I smiled seeing them all. They were here to celebrate my new life. I knew I wasn't cured. I knew I'd still have seizures, but they were cut down to something I could handle. I had a new lease on life. Even though I lost my parents, I gained so much. A boyfriend, a best friend, and many other friends. I was on my way to college and who knew what else. I couldn't wait to get started. I knew it would be a long haul. Even if I did still have seizures, I realized as I saw the love in all of their eyes that it had all been worth it.

* * *

The recovery was a lot harder than I thought it would be. The headaches didn't let up for a couple weeks. The nausea stayed with me for a while too. I got dizzy or lightheaded when I stood up. I spent most days in bed or on the couch. I worked on reading and writing a lot. Making sure I could do it as fast as college would need me to. I had Connor hold up pictures and I would say what they were. It did get better; it was just very slow going.

I stood in front of the mirror and slowly took the scarf off. It had been a week since I last looked at it. The scars were healing and a tiny bit of fuzz had started to grow. I carefully rubbed the top of my head. "Grow hair," I whispered to it. Something flashed and I looked over to find Connor taking my picture. "How could you?" I cried! I tried to run to my room, but he stopped me.

"What?"

"How could you take a picture of me like that?" I asked in tears.

"I thought you wanted this type of stuff. We took pictures in the hospital," he told me.

"You did?"

"Yes, we figured you'd want to document all of this."

I shook my head. "No, I can't," I couldn't look at him. "I have to get a scarf on."

"You don't need to cover up at home," he said and kissed the top of my head. "You're beautiful."

"Please Connor," I begged. "I... I can't."

He nodded sadly and moved out of my way. I hurried to my room and buried my head under my pillow and cried.

* * *

As the days passed, I got a little more comfortable with my head. I could finally sleep without wearing a scarf. I think I shocked everyone the first morning I purposely walked out of my room without one. I sat down and apologized to Connor, "I'm sorry for freaking out the other day. I was having a bad day and I guess I wasn't ready yet. I'm still not ready to go out without something on, but I'm... well, I'm getting there."

He smiled and took my hand. "I'm sorry for taking your picture. I should have asked. I thought you would want a few."

"It's a good idea. It just caught me off guard, that's all."

We had to write down every symptom, every twitch and everything I felt. According to what my brother wrote in my log, I had twelve absence seizures in the month and five times my arm twitched. Only once more did I have an aura. The results were looking good, but I didn't want to get my hopes up too high. Twelve absence seizures in a month beat twelve a day!

Connor wouldn't let me go anywhere without him. He insisted that Zander, Lainey and anybody else who wanted to see me come to the house and visit me there. He didn't want me out of his or Kate's sight until I saw Dr. Logan again. My friends didn't mind. They understood and came to visit me all the time. It gave Connor and Kate a break. I think they appreciated that.

College started in a month and I really wanted to be ready. I didn't want to have to postpone until next semester.

I went for my follow-up with Dr. Logan four weeks after my surgery. It was only the second time I had been out of the house since I had gotten released from the hospital. I was feeling very self-conscious. My hair had grown a little more, it was about half an inch long. I still wore scarves and hats around, especially out of the house.

This time I wore a sky blue one to match my shirt. I knew it was still obvious that I didn't have any hair. At least in a neurologists office, people could figure out I had had brain surgery. They didn't look at me as strangely as people somewhere else might. I knew it should be the least of my worries, but it bothered me still.

Dr. Logan walked in with a smile on his face. "Good morning, Teagan."

"Good morning, Doctor." I couldn't help but smile back.

"How are you doing?" he asked, looking through my file.

"I'm good," I answered.

He picked up my journal and looked through it. "This looks great!"

"I know," I said.

"No tonic-clonic seizures at all?"

"Not one," Connor said.

"Good. We knew that you'd probably continue to have some absence seizures. I'm glad that they have decreased in frequency."

"What about the twitching?" I asked.

"I think it'll go away," he answered. "I see the nausea has finally calmed down."

"Yes!"

He laughed at my response. "Good. Still having headaches though?"

"Yes, not as often the past few days, but they still bother me."

"I think those, too, will get better. And listen to you talk! No more problems?" he asked.

"Not really."

"That's great. I told you it would clear up quick," he said as he walked closer to me. "I need you to take off the hat so I can take a look at my handiwork," he smiled.

I took it off and looked down. "How does it look?"

"Very good. It's healing nicely."

"I keep telling her she is beautiful," Connor said. "She doesn't seem to believe me."

I put my hat back on. "Your hair is growing in. It won't be long."

"I know."

"And it's still that vibrant red color!" Dr. Logan laughed. "Full of life."

"Thanks." I blushed. "Do you think I'm well enough to start school next month?"

"I think you're making a great recovery. It's hard to tell how you'll feel in a month. I say go for it, but go easy. If it gets to be too much, take a step back. Don't stress out. Take easy classes. Do you think you can do that?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"Then go be a normal college kid. I will write a letter for you to give to the college."

We all shook hands. "When do I come back?"

"I want to get an EEG and an MRI in the next couple weeks. If everything is good, I don't need to see you back for six months. But, please, call me if you need anything or have any questions."

"Thank you, Dr. Logan. You saved my life."

"I'm glad I could help, Teagan."

The results of the EEG and the MRI looked good and I was cleared for the next few months. I continued to recover. Connor was still overprotective about the shower and cooking. He let me go for a walk around the block by myself a few times.

He was very nervous about college. He went with me to talk to the college about my needs. We made sure they were aware of the epilepsy, the surgery, my recovery and what to expect as well as what could possibly happen.

I told them I had three friends there as well as Connor and Kate who could help if something did happen. They seemed fine with it and worked with me on the schedule.

Connor finally let me go out with my friends. The four of us went to a pizzeria that had just opened nearby. Everyone was talking about college and classes. "You girls will like the English comp professor, he's..."

"and the cafeteria is hit or miss."

I realized I had missed something. Lainey was holding my hand again, so I squeezed it. She looked over and smiled. "What did I miss?" I asked.

"English professor is funny in a weird way and he's a little picky about things," she filled me in.

I realized how lucky I was. Lainey was a one of a kind friend. She was loving and compassionate. I couldn't ask for a better friend than her. She knew what I needed when I needed it. She knew what I was feeling. We had been through a lot of the same things. The littlest things, like her holding my hand, made all the difference.
Epilogue

I glanced over at Connor who looked dashing in his tux. He smiled at me. "You look so beautiful. You have grown into a wonderful and gorgeous young lady. I'm honored to be your brother."

Smiling, I dabbed my eyes. "You are not allowed to make me cry before I say 'I do'."

He giggled. "Sorry."

I looked ahead, down the aisle, Lainey and Kate had just taken their places by the altar. Connor nudged me. "She reminds me so much of you at that age." I looked at sweet, little Ryanne who was dropping rose petals as she walked down the aisle. She had our red hair and a few of my curls, and even our green eyes, but the rest of her looked like her mother. Kate was in the front waving her hand so her daughter would continue up the aisle to her.

The music changed and the bagpipes began to play "The Wedding March". "It's your turn," Connor whispered. Everyone in the church stood.

Five years after my brain surgery, I was walking down the aisle to marry my groom. My grandparents and other family members had come to attend the wedding bringing with them a beautiful Celtic dress for me to wear. We both were barefoot at our wedding, an Irish tradition. Even though I teased him about it and maybe even threatened him a few times, I didn't make Zander wear a kilt.

In these past five years, I had graduated college with a degree in forensic science –something I never thought would be possible. I had seen my brother and sister-in-law bring a beautiful little girl into our family.

It hadn't all been easy. There were down times. There were seizures and there would always be. I still had up to twenty or thirty absence seizures a month. But, I could count on my hands how many tonic-clonic seizures I had in these five years. And now here I was, about to marry my true love.

I took Connor's arm and together, we walked down the aisle. He gently handed me over to Zander. "I'm trusting you to take care of her now," he said.

"I will," Zander promised and we turned to face the priest.

Even though I wasn't cured, I had been given a new life. My seizures were cut down to something I could handle. I wasn't afraid to go anywhere anymore. I was finally happy. As I looked into Zander's eyes and said, "I do", I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I had done the right thing. Life was beautiful.

The End
About the Author

Talia Jager has been writing as far back as she can remember. School summer vacations were spent writing stories. Bedtimes were ignored when she would hide under the covers with a flashlight, notebook, and pen. She even kept whatever story she was working on under her classwork in school.

In high school, she took all the English based classes she could. At that time the choices were limited to creative writing and journalism. She graduated high school with her major in English and her minor in French. She attended college and while she did take English classes there, she graduated with a degree in early childhood education. It wasn't too much longer that she fell in love and had a family. Writing got pushed to the side for a while.

Now, with the support of her family, she has published the books she had finished and continues to write young adult dramas.

Talia lives in Texas with her husband and five daughters. Her published works include Damaged: Natalie's Story, Teagan's Story: Her Battle With Epilepsy, If I Die Young, The Ultimate Sacrifice, Secret Bloodline, and Lost and Found. Her next work is due out in 2012.

Connect with Talia online:

Blog – http://taliajager.blogspot.com

Facebook – <http://www.facebook.com/taliajager>

Twitter – <http://www.twitter.com/taliajager>

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