Clay Andrews:
Will my ex find someone else during no contact?
That's what we're going to be talking about
in this video. But first, my name is Clay
with modernlove.life, where we help you get
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Clay Andrews:
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Clay Andrews:
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let's go ahead and get into the topic of this
video.
Clay Andrews:
When you're considering doing no contact,
there are a lot of hesitations, concerns and
worries that you might have. I get it. I've
done no contact before. I remember reading
about it on an internet forum back in 2003,
the forum, in case you were wondering is called
eNotAlone. I think it's still around. It was
the last time I checked maybe a couple of
years ago. It's not that I particularly recommend
it, but if you're interested in looking for
some ancient thing from almost 20 years ago
at this point, there it is.
Clay Andrews:
But I remember getting ready to do no contact,
reading about it, everyone telling me to do
it. I had a lot of fears. I was worried that
my ex would forget about me, I was worried
that she would get into a relationship with
this guy named Tom that she was talking to,
and that they'd fall in love and just, she'd
never want to talk to me again.
Clay Andrews:
I totally remember all those feelings, all
of that hesitation, all of the concern that
I felt back then, and I totally get it. I
totally get that there are a lot of reservations
that you feel. I totally get that there's
maybe that thin, maybe strained thread of
communication that you have with your ex that
might feel like it's the only thing keeping
the two of you in each other's lives. And
if you just give up on it, then your ex was
just going to drift off into some new life
or something like that.
Clay Andrews:
And I want to talk about that. Yeah, let's
be honest. I'm not going to blow sunshine
at you and say that your ex is not going to
get into a rebound relationship, because it
is possible. It's totally possible that they
might get into a relationship with someone
else if you use no contact. Right? It's totally
possible that that could happen, regardless
of whether or not you do no contact, as well,
too. But I want you to not let that stop you
from actually doing no contact, if that's
what you think that you need to do. Okay?
Clay Andrews:
We've talked about this in our entire series
on what we call active no contact, I'll put
a link to that up there in a video card. I
have a little bit of a different take on the
no contact rule than maybe you've heard other
coaches or other people on YouTube talk about.
So, if you're new to this channel, first of
all, subscribe down below, but you may also
want to check out that video series on active
no contact, just so that you can understand
maybe at least what my opinion is.
Clay Andrews:
You can choose whether or not you want to
follow that or not, that's entirely up to
you, but it's what's worked for me, it's what's
worked for my clients in the past. Might be
useful for you. Anyway, you should be doing
no contact if you think that you would benefit
from it, just sort of the Cliff's notes version
here. If being in contact with your ex is
causing the two of you to move further apart
from each other emotionally, something's not
working, and we need to stop what's not working
and do no contact, take a step back, fix whatever
isn't working.
Clay Andrews:
And then, consider getting back in contact
with our ex after that point to see if tweaking
things a little bit has actually improved
your ability to connect with them. If on the
other hand you are in contact with your ex,
and it is bringing the two of you closer together,
something's working. And as they say, "Don't
fix what ain't broken." Not everyone needs
to do no contact, but if you are in the place
where you're like, "Yeah, I need to do no
contact," and you're worried that your ex
is going to meet someone else, yeah, it can
happen.
Clay Andrews:
It can happen, your ex might meet someone
else, but it's probably going to be a rebound
relationship. Now, rebound relationships have
a really poor track record for a lot of reasons.
We've covered this many times in our video
series on rebound relationships, I'll put
a video link to that as well up there. But
rebound relationships are basically someone
who has not fully dealt with their emotions
from a breakup. They've not fully experienced
them, resolved them, and dealt with them,
and they just want to be in a new relationship
just to tick the box, just to say that they
have "gotten over their ex."
Clay Andrews:
I mean, they're not really over you, but oftentimes
people think that if they do what someone
would do if they were over their ex, that
it must mean that they're over their ex, but
obviously, it doesn't work that way. Just
being in a relationship with someone else
doesn't mean that you are over your ex. Tangent.
Okay. But, if your ex is in a rebound relationship,
it's probably not going to be a super healthy
dynamic. They don't have the complete emotional
capacity that they ideally would if they're
going to be in a fresh relationship with someone
else, because they're still dealing with emotions
from the breakup.
Clay Andrews:
To a certain extent, they're actually emotionally
unavailable, just due to the fact that they're
still being bogged down by these emotions,
whether they admit it or not. And also by
definition, the person that they end up in
that rebound relationship with is also a little
bit emotionally unavailable, as well too,
because emotionally unavailable people tend
to attract emotionally unavailable people.
Generally speaking, emotionally available
people can sense that someone else is emotionally
unavailable and they say, ´"Hey, this doesn't
feel right. I'm going to not date you, and
I'm going to date someone else who is emotionally
available."
Clay Andrews:
They may not ... I mean, it's not like emotionally
available people say like, "Oh yeah, you're
emotionally unavailable." Maybe they do if
they have done some research and understanding
about relationships and things like that.
But usually, it's just, "Something doesn't
feel right. This isn't for me." So, just know
that it's probably two emotionally unavailable
people in a relationship with one another,
if your ex does end up meeting someone else
while you're in no contact.
Clay Andrews:
And of course, rebound relationships are plagued
with a lot of problems, psychological displacement,
getting in over your head, two emotionally
unavailable people. When one or both of them
start to actually become emotionally available,
they start to realize all the cracks and all
the differences and all the incompatibilities
that they have with one another. And it can
honestly be enough to drive that relationship
apart, which is why rebound relationships
have a pretty poor track record in general.
Clay Andrews:
With all that being said, I mean, if you think
you need to do no contact, do it. Okay? Don't
let the fear that your ex might meet someone
else hold you back from doing no contact.
Just go ahead and do it. I've seen so many
people just come out of at least active no
contact, what we recommend, as opposed to
passive no contact, we've seen a lot of people
come out of that in a much better place and
it allows them to connect with their ex in
a much better way than if they had just stayed
in contact with their ex out of all of the
fears and concerns and doubts that they might've
had prior to that.
Clay Andrews:
If your ex does end up meeting someone else,
just know that you're going to be in a much
better place to connect with them emotionally
on the other side of active no contact, anyway.
I mean, I can't make any promises for passive
no contact, but on the other side of active
no contact, you're going to be in a much better
place to connect with your ex, and that's
going to really outshine most likely any sort
of emotionally unavailable connection that
they might have with a rebound relationship
or a rebound partner or anything like that.
Clay Andrews:
And so, again, your goal here, isn't to just
isolate your ex from any other romantic prospects
so that they have no choice but to be with
you, that's a really scarcity-minded mindset.
And I get it, because again, I've been there.
I've had that mindset before in the past.
It's also a really depressing place to start
a relationship from, to get back together
with someone from. It's like, "Well, you ain't
got any other options, might as well get back
together with little old me." That's not a
great place to be in.
Clay Andrews:
What you want to do is you want to actually
have the relationship that the two of you
have be something that's so positive, so inspiring,
so motivating, so uplifting and rewarding
that they intentionally would choose to be
with you over any number of other potential
romantic prospects out there. It's not just
like, "Hey, there's no one else there for
you, so you might as well get together with
me." That's not very inspiring.
Clay Andrews:
So again, if you need to do no contact, by
all means do no contact. It's probably going
to be better for you in the long run. If you
have done that reflection and you say, "Yeah,
I think I need to take a step back here, focus
on how I'm bringing myself to interactions
and work through my own emotions as need be
and all that stuff, and then we can go ahead
and get back in contact," do it. Okay? Don't
worry if your ex is going to meet someone
else or anything like that. Okay?
Clay Andrews:
I hope this helped you out. Once again, if
you do like what we're doing here, hit that
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also, if you do want to check out that free
Facebook group, there's a link to it down
in the description below this video.
Clay Andrews:
Once again, thank you so much for watching.
If you do want to learn more about rebound
relationships, we do have this video series
on rebounds over here, or on the other hand,
if you'd like to check out this auto-generated
video from the YouTube algorithm, please go
ahead and check it out over here. YouTube
thinks you'd like it a lot. Anyway, thank
you so much for watching, take care, and I'll
talk to you in the next video.
