So we've all had that moment where you're
at a bar you're maybe dancing a little bit
moving around and you see someone looking
at you out of the corner of your eye and then
your movements become a little more constricted,
you become a little more in your head, you're
worried about what they might think about
you.
So that's that external motivation.
In any moment you can ask yourself am I doing
this because I want to or because I think
people will like it?
If we're basing it off of the reality that
someone else will like it we'll never really
know.
We open ourselves up for that social anxiety,
the fear of negative judgment, the unknown
of external validation.
So we can always ask ourselves what do I want
to do right now?
What is interesting to me?
What will feel good to me?
And act off of that to eliminate social anxiety
to bring more confidence into our conversations.
So that's how we find our authentic voice
and use it.
And your authentic voice is a deep down understanding
of who you are, what you care about and what
you believe.
And it's only when we have that foundational
understanding that we're able to bring confidence
into social situations.
Because if we're not basing our actions off
of this internal understanding we're constantly
looking for external validation, for other
people to tell us what is cool, what is acceptable,
what is appropriate.
And if you look at the actual definition of
social anxiety it's literally the fear of
negative judgment, so again, it's based in
that external validation.
And I love Carl Sagan who says we can judge
our progress by the courage of our questions
and the depth of our answers.
And so to find our authentic voice we need
to ask ourselves these courageous questions.
Ask yourself what's the dream, if I could
not fail what would I do with my time?
Ask yourself what am I not doing that I would
like to be?
Ask yourself what is most challenging for
me right now?
And we can trust questions in conversation
just ask yourself the last time someone asked
you a question, looked you in the eyes and
listened to you, how did it feel?
Universally good, it always will.
So whenever we're asking questions we can
trust that we're learning and growing and
that we're leaving a good impression.
And there's one simple question we can ask
ourselves to fundamentally transform our conversations.
So 60 seconds, whether it's going on a date,
whether it's going into a big conference,
whatever it may be ask yourself what am I
most excited to learn about the people that
I will meet?
What am I most excited to learn about the
people that I will meet?
So what you will do is you will establish
something I call the curiosity compass.
You'll establish a series of questions that
are authentic to you that you genuinely want
to ask these people.
And basically what happens now is you're focusing
more on being interested than on being interesting,
which is one of the oldest techniques in the
book to actually feel more confident in social
situations.
So when you've identified your curiosity compass
it's much easier to exist with anyone and
feel comfortable.
And so having these questions just lodged
to memory are going to make you feel better
when you're in these social situations.
Outside of the question of what do I most
want to learn about these people I also think
it's important for people to think about what
I call your go to questions.
And so your go to questions are three to five
questions that you generally always want to
know to people.
So this could be what are you most excited
about?
This could be what's the dream?
What's your priority right now?
What's the next big thing you have coming
up?
It could be what's something awesome you've
learned recently?
And what happens is you think of Yogi Berra
the amazing New York Yankees catcher and he
used to say, "You can't think and hit at the
same time," because hitting is this incredibly
fast just volatile act and so once the ball
comes out of that hand and it's coming into
the batter's box you're not thinking about
it everything in your body has just been trained
to react to it and hit that ball where you
want it to go.
And so I think that when you're in conversation
there's so many things that we can worry about,
many stories we can bring into it, but when
we have those questions logged to memory we're
so much more likely to bring those types of
things into conversation to lead us towards
more interesting conversations that we're
generally going to care about.
And another powerful exercise that we can
practice for asking better questions is something
called the golden rule of questions.
And we all know the golden rule in life, treat
others the way that you would like to be treated.
So the golden rule of questions, ask questions
to others that you would like to be asked
yourself.
If you just take some time to identify here
are the types of things that I would like
to be asked about, here are the types of things
that I want to talk about then now you've
also identified some of your authentic passions
personally in the form of questions that you
can give to someone else.
So this golden rule of questions is a great
way to, again, further deepen your understanding
of the questions that you want to be bringing
into conversation and any sort of interpersonal
situation.
