♫ A Majestic, Mountainous Theme ♫
AARON: Welcome, everyone. We are playing Skyrim.
And Emre has just jumped off of a cli--owwwugh! [disturbed]
EMRE: [giggle giggle]
AARON: Your horse sounds like a PIG when it lands.
Very disturbing, but this is *apparently* why you play Skyrim...
EMRE: It's definitely why I bought it.
AARON: Umm. So. Is that all there is to this game? Pretty much?
Like, that's why, w...er, why I should play it?
EMRE: Ummmm.  *THAT* is the reason why you should buy it...
But, the reason why you should *KEEP* it is because of all the other things in it.
AARON: Okay.
♫ DRAMATIC MUSIC WITH EQUALLY DRAMATIC NARRATOR♫
AARON: I just want a sexy leopard.
That reggae guy.
The Snow Miser.
A-Aragorn...He also looks like Mickeeey R-Rourke.
Janeane Garofalo.
Shitty-Face Numbnuts.
Oh, my *GOD* [disturbed] Sssstaaatue...Buddy?
Leprechaun III
S...Saan...Sh, Shit...[incoherent sounds of thought] Cock Niibbler?
EMRE: ...Shit Cock Nibbler?
AARON: No, just Cock Nibbler. He just likes to take a little nibble.
He doesn't get the whole thing...
EMRE: Don't wanna get *FULL*.
BIG ASS DRAGON: [I AM HERE FOR YOU COCK NIBBLER!]
[I AM THE DRAGON, GOAT NIBBLER!!]
[Explosive Screeching]
AARON: Yeah, I think that dragon's name is Goat Nibbler.
And, that's why he's here to kill you because you've stolen his Nibbler name...
And, he doesn't appreciate that...
AARON: This is cool. So, the dragon's just tearing this village into bits.
EMRE: Oh, yeah.
EMRE [with the voice of a rugged lumberjack]: What're yer doin'? Havin' a good day? Yeah?
AARON [as disgruntled soldier #9]: Yeah. I'm just kinda bored. I dunno. I'm thinkin' bout goin' to get a drink.
[FIERY WILHELM SCREAM]
AARON: Whoa! Look at that guy!
...I already like this game.
♫ DRAMATIC MUSIC WITH EQUALLY DRAMATIC NARRATOR♫
AARON: Alright. So, I see that there's a chicken. That's already a good sign for a, a game.
Any game that's got a chicken that you can kill...I like.
[Sad Murdered Chicken Noises]
Ugghhh! *Wow*. They just. Ya kill 'em, and they go ass up at you.
AARON [clearly confused about chicken murder]: Somebody help...? What?
AARON [mockingly]: Someone  do something! He killed a *CHICKEN*!
EMRE: WHAT DA HELL?!
AARON [laughing]: Oh, my God!
AARON [mocking the villagers agony]: YEW KEEL'D OUR CHICKEeeeN!
AARON [as dopey ass villager #4]: HEY, HEY! HE KILLED DAH CHICKEN! GIT 'EM!
EMRE: Oh, hey! Come on. Alright, fine!
AARON [as backwoods villager #22]: Did I hear right? Did he kill a *CHICKEN*???
EMRE: Oh, whoa! I started a freakin' brawl! Look at that guy--
AARON: They're too busy fighting each other.
AARON [as village schmuck #10]: Wait! Who killed dah chicken? Wait, I'm confused! Did you--
H-He killed--No, you killed the chicken! JUST KILL EVERYONE!
AARON [as villager fearing for his life]: RUN AWAY! IT'S THE CHICKEN KILLER!
AARON: Oh, that's nice. You just gave her a massive head wound.
♫ DRAMATIC MUSIC WITH EQUALLY DRAMATIC NARRATOR♫
EMRE: Oh, I got a dragon!
AARON: Where?
EMRE: Uhhh, right there! See it...? [Aaron denies him] It's behind the smoke!
AARON: Uhhh, what...?
EMRE: It's, It's here!
AARON [so full of doubt]: There's no dragon. You're making it up.
EMRE: No. I-It's somewhere--Ooh! There it is!
AARON: That was nice. Didn't hurt ya much, huh?
EMRE: I got flame retardant underwear.
AARON: Ohh, uhh...wha...?
EMRE [exasperated]: *Flame. Retardant. Underwear.*
AARON: I think you're just flame retarded.
EMRE: UGH! This is for all the goats you've nibbled!
AARON: This is, uuuuh...That dragon's cousin. His name is, uhmm...Filth Nibbler.
All these dragons are really angry that your name is Cock and you're disgracing the Nibbler family name.
EMRE: They're fine with *filth*...?
AARON: He's probably, you know, not one of the best dragons in the family.
♫ DRAMATIC MUSIC WITH EQUALLY DRAMATIC NARRATOR♫
EMRE: I think I would like to raise this dragon as a zombie.
AARON: Hm. Alright.
AARON: Whoa!
EMRE: [laughing]
AARON: The dragon can still fly.
EMRE: Or, I could have a *MOOSE ZOMBIE*!
AARON: Oh, my God--really?
EMRE: Yeah. Look at that shit.
AARON: Uh, ok. This game just became three times better.
AARON [as unsuspecting innocents]: Hey, 'erbody! It's Cock Nibbler! How's it goin', man? Good job killin' that dragon!
EMRE [as Cock]: Oh, hey! No problem! Wanna meet my pet moose?
AARON [as unsuspecting innocents]: Wha...?
EMRE [as Cock]: Yeah! My pet moose!...Got somethin' to say to you...Come on, Moose! Get 'em!
EMRE: W-What are you doing...
AARON [laughing]: This guy's still just standing there. 'Oohh, wait, he's attacking us--'
EMRE: My moose isn't doing shit!
AARON: She's gonna annihilate you.
EMRE: My moose just ran away!
AARON: [cackles at Emre's expense]
EMRE: Pro tip...
AARON: That zombie moose was not very faithful to you.
Do *not* trust the zombie moose. That's the lesson we just learned.
♫ DRAMATIC MUSIC WITH EQUALLY DRAMATIC NARRATOR♫
EMRE: I just like that you can stare at everything's ass. In the load screen.
AARON [not really listening]: Mn. Mnhm.
♫ DRAMATIC MUSIC WITH EQUALLY DRAMATIC NARRATOR♫
EMRE: [unintelligible grunting noises] EErr ! EEerawr!
AARON [unimpressed]: Are you having a 'rawr' off?
EMRE: Yeah! We're displaying our...dominance. I got bigger pecs!
AARON [as giant]: No, I do...
EMRE: WHOOOAAAAH!
AARON [laughing]: What the fuck??
AARON: Wow. O-Oh, okay. *THAT* is disgusting. That crotch shot at the end is totally--
Why do they freeze it *right there*?
EMRE: Wow! Um. So, Round 2...I guess?
AARON: Yeah. I think these guys are actually golfers. Giant Woods, tees up. He's got a 5 Wood.
AARON: Alright. I think he sliced it a little bit.
I think the lesson here that we've learned is that giants cannot golf.
They got, Th-They get good height...but they can't control their hits.
EMRE: He had no distance, whatsoever.
AARON: Yeah.
EMRE: It's really sad.
♫
EMRE: Now you're playing, um, Fun Tits...
AARON: No, it's pronounced Fün Tits.
EMRE: Fün Tits..?
AARON: She's a, She's a Nord.
Comes from a long line of, uhh, Tits. They named her Fün after her great grandmother...
It's not a crass, rude name.
EMRE: Not in the Nord language.
AARON: No. It has a--It has a long history.
EMRE: Okay...
BJORLAM: WHERE DOO YAH WHAT TO GO??
AARON: I need to go to Windhelm, Bjorlam!
BJORLAM: Climb on back and we'll be off...
AARON: Take off my pants?
BJORLAM: Ever been to Windhelm?
AARON: No...
BJORLAM: Oldest city in Skyrim-- [murmur murmur]
AARON: W-What? [Bjorlam goes on and on about nothing in particular until...] Uh, h-huh...hey! Wha...
♫
AARON: In this episode of Skyrim For Pimps, I am on a quest for a horse.
EMRE: The bestest, pimpest, dopest horse of all.
AARON: YES.
EMRE: You're talking about Shadowmere. He was the fastest in Oblivion, in this game he can run the longest.
He's also got ridiculous hit points and regeneration.
RANDOM SLEEZE: Perhaps one day we can get to know each other better?
AARON: Get to know each other better?!
What are you suggesting, Sir?!
EMRE: Dude, he's just being pleasant.
[CHA-CHING of a Sword Unsheathed] RANDOM SLEEZE: Don't set anything on fire, alright?!
AARON: Alright...I'll let you go this time.
I don't take no sexual harassment, bitch.
EMRE: I keep forgetting you're a woman.
AARON: YEAH. Check me out.
Just so you can see what I look like...
EMRE: Mmmm. Yeah. I can see that. That is...nice. You got your Fün Tits from your grandma, I heard.
AARON: Yes. The name.
EMRE [squirming inside his seat and himself]: This is awkward, Aaron...
AARON: For you?
SEXUAL HARASSMENT ELF: I see why dah Nords like Skyrim!
AARON: Goddamnit, you!
EMRE: This guy won't leave you alone!
AARON: He's harassing me again!
AARON: Alright. Let's head inside, shall we?
♫
AARON: You're gross.
SILDA THE UNSEEN: It's so good to see you again!
AARON: You look disgusting.
[AARON and EMRE laugh as SILDA flees to lament] Yeah! Finally drove her away!
[Distant Chanting] Sweet Mother, Sweet Mother!
AARON: There's something fucked up going on in here.
[Chanting Continues]
AARON: Oooh, shit...Well, you can tell by the way these candles are arranged that this is...
*A MAJOR FIRE HAZARD*! Get those things away from the wall, you idiot!
[Creepy Child, AVENTUS ARETINO, begins to cry]
AARON: 'A Kiss, Sweet Mother' by Herman Melville.
Candles, rituals and--WHOA! Okay, this book is three pages long.
It's more of a fucking pamphlet.
AVENTUS [crying]: I'm very tired!!
AARON [with no love for children]: Shut up!
Gimme this fucking...human flesh.
EMRE: Eww...
AARON: Human heart..
[More Babbling from the Gothic Brat, AVENTUS]
AVENTUS: You've come at last! I knew you would!!
AARON: You are crazy. I'm not even gonna talk to you.
AVENTUS: You don't have to say anything. There's no need.
AARON: No. That there isn't.
AVENTUS [blithering on and on]: I ran away, came home and formed the black--
AARON [disinterested]: FASCINATING. Hey, do you have any beer?
AVENTUS: To be honest, I'm kind of lonely here--
AARON: Oh, yeah?
AVENTUS: As much as I hated--
AARON: Well, here. I got some friends you could hang out with--
[CHA-CHING of a Sword Unsheathed]
[AARON and EMRE find joy in terrorizing children] Y-Yeaaaah! That's what I thought!
AARON: Ah, goat cheese wheel. Yeaaah. I'm gonna eat the whole fucking thing.
EMRE: NO!
AARON: Just because I'm going on a trip now and I'm not gonna want to go to the bathroom for a few weeks.
AARON: Let's see where I'm going...
EMRE: Riften!
AARON: Ohh, Riften.
EMRE: Bjorlam can take you to Riften!
AARON: I wonder if I should talk to this guy.
GUARD: Best offense is a good defense. Am I right?
AARON: What are you a fucking football analyst?!
EMRE: [giggle giggle]
AARON: That you used to be until you took an arrow to your dick, right?
Okay...
WEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeee!!
AARON: Oh, man. Oh. God. I suddenly feel sick...Uhhghh...
[A great and mighty shout of FUS RO!!]
O-Oh! Okay. Now I feel better.
AARON: Alright--ALFARINN?! What happened to Pejorative?!
ALFARRIN: Where do ya want to go?
AARON: Take me to Riften!
ALFARRIN: Climb on back and we'll be off.
AARON: Okay...
You got any cushions back here? Some coffee?
[ALFARRIN mumbles on about Riften, the Black Briar Meadery and--]
♫
HOFGRIR HORSE-CRUSHER: You've found the right place.
AARON: Excuse me?...Holy shit! Do you crush horses?
Dude! I wanna hang out with you!
[HOFGRIR isn't willing to commit]
AARON: Hey! What the fuck?!
[Mysterious Roaring]
AARON: Oh, my God! I think he just crushed a horse!
AARON: It's Ice Nibbler!
EMRE [as Bob Peck from Jurassic Park]: SHOOT HERRRR!
AARON: Hey! Come back here. Come back here and land on the ground, where I can stab you in the head.
EMRE: Ice Nibbler...?
AARON: Yeah. He's got really bad teeth because he nibbles ice all the time.
AARON: Yeah, you like that?! Oooohh, ahhhow! Stop it! I can't see...
EMRE: Blinded by the ice.
AARON: Wrapped up like a *douche*.
Another dragon in the night?
AARON: Hey, man! What's happenin'? Hey! Ahaaa--I love you! Ooohh, I don't wanna fight!
I just want to stab your head!
OOooh, shit. Another dead dragon.
AARON: Weeeell. Nothing to be done except absorb your soul, I suppose.
AARON [moaning in orgasmic glee]: Ohhh, oh! OOoOOoH! OkAaay! O-Oh, yeah!
[SOULFUL CLIMAX]
Mnn. Dragon soul. Better than sex.
AARON: Hey, man. What's happenin'?
KHARJO: Bandits harass the caravans at every step.
AARON: No way!
KHARJO: But, Khajiit usually scare them off--
AARON: Are you shitting me, Kharjo?
KHARJO: A few days ago, we were ambushed.
AARON: You're *shitting me*, right?
KHARJO: May the road lead you to warm sands.
AARON: W-What the *FUCK* is happening??
EMRE: WHOA!
AARON: Okay, is that dragon *dead* or...? [laughing]
EMRE: I think it used to be.
AARON [baffled laughter]: What the Hell is going on?
VERY CONFUSED GUARD: Before I let yew into Riften--
AARON: Uhhh, okay, dude. You've been standing here too long. A tree has grown through your body.
GUARD: Do you want everyone to hear you?!...[awkward, near 'South of the Border' accent] I'll let you in...
AARON [mockingly]: Thank yew, Ren from 'Ren & Stimpy'.
ZAYNOBI: Welcome to you, fellow traveler!
AARON: Aw, thanks. That's very kind of you.
[DRAMATIC UNSHEATHING]
ZAYNOBI: Fire is not a thing to be played with!!
AARON [suggestively]: What should I play with, *Zaynobi*...?
ZAYNOBI: HMM?!
AARON: Yeaah. You heard me.
♫
GRELOD THE  ̶B̶I̶T̶C̶H̶  KIND: You will always be here! Until the day you come of age and get thrown out--
GRELOD [continuing to berate the orphans]: Into that WIDE, HOoorrible WORLD!
AARON: Ah. She's not very nice.
GRELOD: Now, what do you all say?!
ORPHANS [in lackluster unison]: We love you, Grelod...
AARON [joining in, just as poorly]: I luv yew Grelod...
I, I love...love youuu...so much...
GRELOD: What are *you* staring at?! You worthless piece of gutter trash!
AARON: OOOHhh...I'm a piece of gutter trash, am I? Looks like y-you're the gutter, then.
And, I'm going to deposit myself in you.
AARON [awkwardly laughing]: Th-That just came out all wrong!
EMRE: I think if you're going to be a professional assassin, you need to work on your...uhh, one-liners there...
AARON: Yeeah, I think you're right.
AARON: WAKE UP!
GRELOD: Trying to *FRIGHTEN* me, hmnnnn????
AARON: Nooo, I'm not trying to frighten you. I just want to have a normal conversation.
Okay. Let's talk.
Ready?
*I* will talk first.
[The Death Rattling Screech of a Dying OId Bitch]
Okay. Now, it's your turn!
She's had enough of our conversation, apparently...
SAMUEL, SOON TO BE A GROWN SADIST: Grelod the Kind is dead at last! We're saved!
[Orphans continue to celebrate the demise of their wrinkled and wretched foe]
[CHA-CHING, CHA-CHING]
AARON: Let's take a little reading break.  [suddenly deficient] 'DAh BEAr oF MARKaarTH DAHCREMs oHf STumCLUK', Daaaaghh??
AARON [normal]: Do you like my reading voice?
EMRE: No.
AARON: A lot of people tell me I have a good reading voice.
SIGNAAR: Need a ride?
AARON: His name is Cigar.
Hey, man. Can I have a puff? Of *you*? Eheh. Right?
SIGNAAR [unaffected]: Where do you want to go?
AARON: Eehh, just wanna smoke...
♫
EMRE: Oooohh,  what the fuck is that?
AARON: I think it's a back massager.
You put your face down in that one part and then the little spike comes down and massages your back.
Until your back's *gone*.
AARON: Ooh! Pickpocket lessons!
Come back here!
EMRE: She's still upset about what you called her last time.
AARON: Come oooon, Ugly Face! Get back here!
Hhheeeeeyyy....
[EMRE boohoos, mocking SILDA's homeless tears]
AARON: Hey! Shitty-Looking Idiot! Come here!
[EMRE continues to boohoo, louder]
AARON: I just need some pickpocket lessons, you ugly *SLAG*!
SILDA [tired of their bullshit]: Get away from me!
AARON: Look at you! You look like Alice Cooper!
AARON: Redrum, Redrum!
AVENTUS: Grelod the Kind, is she...you know?
AARON: Ugh. I have to tell 'em? I didn't want to.
AVENTUS: AHA! I knew you could do it! I just KNEW IT! I knew the Dark Brotherhood would save me!
Here, just like I promised. This should fetch you a nice price!
AARON: The Ancient Spaghetti Plate of the Aretino Family.
EMRE: This fucking kid ripped you off.
AARON: Yeah, he really did.
EMRE: It cost you like more than that to fucking travel.
AARON: Oh, dude, I just increased my Destruction. That was awesome.
EMRE: Nice.
AARON: Okay, so, I did it and now--This is taking a really long time.
EMRE: It is.
AARON: W-What else do I still have to do?
EMRE: Y-Yeah, you got *plenty* to do.
AARON [using his *special* reading voice]: JAAARRHL STUMcluuck WWEESHES TA DEEBAest Symmpatheez Deha DEFF oF YaH MuTHUH--
EMRE: Don't forget your *goal* is to get that horse.
AARON: That's true. I gotta stay focused.
EMRE: Yeah. Ya gotta *pimp* out your ride.
AARON: Ya know, actually...since I've got the expert here, who has played this game like 5 thousand hours--
I got a letter from a *friend* here...
EMRE: Ooohh, yeah, yeah?
AARON: It says [that special voice again] FUUHN TETS YEEWVV CAUZ'ddd ahhh Beeiit DAhhghhh POundnd--
[EMRE, sighing]
AARON: I just like that it's expressed to Fün Teets.
[EMRE offers a pity laugh]
AARON: It's like t-th, the person who wrote this letter was, like, sexually harassing me.
EMRE [mockingly]: EY, FÜN TITS!
[Giggling]
AARON: Ruuude letters, these people keep sending me!
♫
AARON: Hello! I'm Aaron. Welcome to Skyrim.
You've caught me in the middle of fighting some sort of weird, witch...creature.
Up on a, uh, a stone hill.
AARON: Excuse me, I'm looking for, uhhhhh--a freakish witch lady?
Ooh! There she is!
EMRE [as the gnarly witch goblin]: YAARGGH! YEH FOUND MEH!
[The Death Rattle of a Dying Witchy Woman]
AARON [ever desperate]: Look at that! She's got nice legs!
Ooh, look at this! Someone's making, uh, burgers.
Mnnn. Taprootssss burgeersss. I like mine with cheeese.
Aaand, uhh, I dunno. What do ya think--
EMRE: I think you should call it a night and go to sleep in her hay pile.
AARON: I agree. What about you, Lydia? You wanna join me?
Oh, yeah. Let's go!
Okay. Let's go to bed here for a lil while.
♫
AARON: What the fffffuck is going on...?
Hello?
Hi!
I need my glasses!
ASTRID, THE SULTRY AND SEDUCTIVE: Sleep well?
AARON: What?? Where am I? Who are you?
ASTRID: Does it matter?
AARON: Yeah...
ASTRID: You're warm, dry--
AARON: What--
ASTRID: And, still very much alive.
AARON: Yeah...
ASTRID [coyly] : That's more than can be said for old Grelod, hmmm?
AARON [not paying attention]: I like your outfit!
So, do you want me to murder someone or are you just gonna fucking *BLAB* all day..?
ASTRID, THE EVER PATIENT: Funny you should ask--
AARON: WHATEVAR. I DON'T *CARE*.
ASTRID: If you'll turn around, you'll--
AARON: *JESUS*. What a fuckin' talky bitch.
EMRE: Alright, Aaron...Make sure you pick this carefully because if you pick the wrong one--
Then, you know, you might not be able to get into the Dark Brotherhood.
AARON: MMMnnn. Okay. Well. Uhhh. Let's see--
Him.
Aaand, her--
EMRE: Wh-Wha! Wait! Whoa! What the fuck?!
AARON: Aaand, him...
UHHHhh, is that--How's that? Is that good?
Is that a good choice?
AARON: I just kinda wanna *lick* Astrid.
Is that weird?
EMRE: No. No. I-I would pay good money to see...that.
AARON: I just wanna--I wish I could just go up and lick her.
I just wanna move forward a little bit and just LICK. *Lick it*.
[suddenly noticing his creepiness] OO-OH! SOO, UHH, I'M FREE TO GO??
ASTRID: Use the key to the shack...but, why stop here?
AARON: Yeah! Gimme the key to your heart next!
ASTRID:...could take our *relationship* to the next level--
AARON: OH, YEAH! That's what I'm talkin' about!
[ASTRID goes on and on, ignored by horny men]
EMRE: Lick her shoe!
AARON: Lick it--Liiiick it!
[ASTRID, ignored for an eternity, continues to try and keep things professional]
AARON: She tastes like strawberries.
You taste like strawberry jam, Astrid.
AARON: ASTRID! I, GAHBAHWAH--
I JUST HAVE ANOTHER QUEST--
CAN YOU COME DOWN? WE NEED TO TALK--
ASTRID [going on and on]: Just beneath the--
AARON: How many times are you gonna tell me that? You think I'm stupid?
HUH?!
ASTRID: *Remember*, the Sanctuary is--
AARON: oHhhmyGaaaawd.
ASTRID: The Southern Pine Fff--
AARON: So, you're just gonna sit up there all day...
EMRE: No--Maybe you should just go to the Southern Pine Forest, just beneath the road...
AARON [disappointed]: Alright, I'm fuckin' outta here...
AARON: Oohh, woow...This is nice. Where, the Hell, am I?
OOOH!! LYDIA!!
Hai!! It's so good to see you!
*HA*!
NO! NO! I just wanted a hug and a kiss.
No, no! I just seriously--Come on. Let's--Let's hug. It's been so long.
Didn't you--How did you follow me here? [gradually becoming an angry boi]
Why didn't you *rescue* me, you BITCH?!
THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
I GOT DRAGGED HALFWAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY AND YOU DIDN'T DO *ANYTHING*!!
[The Deadly CHA-CHING of an Abuser's Sword Unsheathed]
[LYDIA won't take it laying down]
AARON: Ooh, Lydia...
Why do I keep you...?
AARON: Alright. Well. What's next on this epic quest for the 'Demon Horse', Emre?
EMRE: Well. Next you gotta go to the, uhh, Dark Brotherhood Sanctuary.
You know...On the road or *beneath* the road. In the pine forest. Or, whatever.
AARON: OH! You mean that thing she said *sixty times in a row*?
♫
AARON: You know you can make things rotate faster in these load screens, if you push *both* joysticks...?
EMRE [genuinely surprised]: GAAAAASP! I *always* wanted them to rotate faster!
AARON [proud of himself]: YYYyup. Tips 'n Tricks.
EMRE: WOW.
AARON: Frommm good old Skyrim for Pimps.
AARON: Alright.
First of all, let's get my decent weapon selected...
We got the 'Orcish Testicle Crusher', uhh, which I've improved...and the 'Steel Mace of Burning'.
AARON: So, here we are, back at Whiterun. Here's Lydia. I got her a little, uh, a new armor situation...
Um. So, she's got some plate and some--
EMRE: She looks like a statue.
AARON: Yeah. She really does.
She's kind of a statue that fights for me. Although, I have to admit--
It *fits* her rather well around the, uh, Fün area.
So, here's what I look like now.
I, uh, found myself some Dwarven armor.
And, you saw my weapons...
They're very impressive.
Settle down, Lydia. I'm just showing them my weapons. God, she's...excitable.
AARON: OOH, YES!! IT'S BJORLAM!! I'M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU, BUDDY!
BJORLAM [not nearly as excited]: Need a ride?
AARON: Ah, God. He's such a great guy. I wanna go to Falkreath, man!
BJORLAM: Climb on back, and we'll be off.
AARON: Aw! I knew you were gonna say that. I just *knew it*.
Tell me a story, dude!
Hey! Bjorlam! Can you tell me a story...?
H-Hey!
Tell me a fucking story!
EMRE: He's all storied out.
AARON [disappointed, as per usual]: WOW. What a *boring* trip to Falkreath! He's just like, 'Eeeehh! I told you the one story I know...'
'That lasts for three hours'.
'And, now that's it...so...'
♫
EMRE: There's a dragon afoot.
AARON: Really? Oh, that's why he freaked out...
EMRE: Yeah...
AARON: This is, uh, Crotch Nibbler. He's, uhm...
Oh, yeah!  Well. He's the one who killed Cock Nibbler, actually.
EMRE: OOOoooh--
AARON: That's what happened to Cock Nibbler.
EMRE: That makes sense.
AARON: He was killed by Crotch Nibbler.
AARON: I just have--See, I have a present here! It's right in my mace.
And, you can have it. Twice.
There you go--THREE times.
Three pre--FOUR PRESENTS!
Happy Biiirthdaaay!
AARON: Hey, I just killed this dragon. Is there anything else I need to--Is there any paperwork I should fill out?
Uhh.
FALKREATH GUARD: In all my years,
AARON: What?
FALKREATH GUARD: I've never seen such a thing...
AARON: Ye--I know. It's cool, right? So, anyway...uhm--
FALKREATH GUARD: BYDAHGAWDZ--
AARON: Am I--
FALKREATH GUARD: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY!
AARON: Er, j-just say good job? That's fine.
Alright, well, I'm gonna get goin'...if there's nothing else.
[Crickets]
Just leave this dragon skeleton here, then? That cool?
AARON: Hey, uh, I just killed that dragon. And, those guys didn't seem to really know what to do with the skeletons so...
[GOAT BLEATS]
AARON: Uhhh, what?
Is this, like, who talks for you?
Okay, well...What should I do with the skeleton? Umm--
[GOAT BLEATS]
AARON: O-Okay! I, I got that. Yup.
[BBLEEEEGGHHH]
AARON: Okay!
Thank you! That's very informative.
Alright. Well.
[EMRE stifles laughter]
AARON: He says I can just leave it there and they'll take care of it later.
♫
EMRE: That black pool is where Shadowmere *lives*.
AARON: OH! Well, thanks for giving that away!
That's really nice.
You fucking dick.
AARON: Alright, well, if there's anymore secrets...*DON'T* tell me. I'm just looking for, like, guidance.
Not for like, 'HEY! THIS IS WHAT-- EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS AND NOW your surprise is ruined...'
EMRE: Alright, well, I'm not gonna tell you the password to get into the door.
AARON: I know the password! It's, uhh...
EMRE: Yeah. What is it? Tell me.
AARON: Uhh. Um.
She said it...
EMRE: I know. Do you remember?
AARON: I was *too* focused on licking...
[CREEPY NETHERWORLD VOICE]
AARON: UUUhhhmm...reggae?
EMRE [with a Jamaican accent]: Reggae, mah bruthah!
CREEPY DOOR: WEEeeellcome...HoOOooome...
EMRE: HEY! It worked!
AARON: Did he say: 'Welcome, *fool*'?
JAMAICAN EMRE: Welcome, FOOOool...
AARON: Speak with Astrid? Oh, HELL YEAH! I can't wait!
I am gonna *lick* her up.
I have to do this, right?
EMRE: Yeah, you gotta sit and wait--NO! GET YOUR ASS UP! FUCKIN' TALK TO ASTRID!
AARON: S-Sorry...
EMRE: Tired of your *shit*.
AARON: Well, *why* would I have the option of sitting on the *bench*?
See, it SAID...Sssit. Bench. It's a 'Sit Bench', and I was--
EMRE: It is.
AARON: So, I was gonna complete the mission. How am I supposed to know, Emre?
EMRE [exasperated, once again]: How have you EVEN made it this FAR in the game?!
[Cue AARON laughing like a psychopath]
AARON: Yeah, Astrid! I'll be right over! Just hold on...
Oh! A tankard! Look at the craftsmanship of that tankard!
Isn't that nice--
EMRE: AARON.
AARON: [giggles like a Gremlin]
EMRE: AARON!
AARON: HEY, LOOK IT! There's a bag over here. Some sacks! Eer, what's in this *sack*?
OOOH, a salt pile! Delicious! I love salt!
EMRE [rightfully given up]: I'm going to go drown myself.
AARON: A clothes iron--in *WHAT*?
EMRE: The sink.
AARON: OOOOOHH, yeaaaah--Hey, Astrid! How's it goin'?
ASTRID [sighing]: At last...
AARON: Yeaaah!
ASTRID: I hope you found the place alright...
AARON: OOhh, I did! I found *the place*, if you know what I mean. I can find *your place*...
I'm good at that...
ASTRID: A welcome home present...
The armor of the Dark Brotherhood.
AARON: OKAY. She fuckin' talks FOREVER.
[ASTRID, once again, goes on and on and--]
AARON: YUP.
ASTRID: And, look at where the Dark Brotherhood ended up--
AARON [mockingly]: OOOoooh, I know what yer saying! Just the other day--
[ASTRID talks over AARON]
AARON: W-WHA--
[ASTRID, blahblahblahalalaaa]
AARON: Wha--Wha, No! Stop for a second...I juss wanna tell you a stor--
[ASTRID could not begin to care less about what AARON has to say]
AARON [weakly]: Astrid....Oh, God, you're dull...
EMRE [on the verge of a mental breakdown]: NONE OF THIS SHIT IS IMPORTANT!
JUST FUCKIN' DROP IT!
AARON: Gawd, Emre. Fuckin' relax. I wanna take in *every* aspect of the game.
The chairs.
The benches.
The long, Astrid...sleepy talk.
AARON: Heeey, Natzi! Whooo's the Naaatzi-est?
I bet I'm Natzi-er than you are.
AARON [quietly to himself]: Sithis...ahh, I just get tired of reading books.
EMRE [a broken man]: DAARGHH DEH SITHEHH NUDDAHBLAH--
[EMRE continues to babble incoherently]
EMRE [a special boy]: DEHGH MEEUTAN JAGGOFF OOHDAR FRAND!
AARON: You have an excellent reading voice!
EMRE: Thank you. I learned from the best.
AARON: I think you do.
...Did.
AARON: Oooh, Astriiiid...
Look Astriiid...
Check me *out*. Honey.
EMRE: Aaron. Are you...sexually *starved*?
AARON [defensive]: No, I'm not sexually charged! Because I play this game! And, so, I get all the love that I need...
[ASTRID flees the scene]
AARON: HEY, COME BACK!
EMRE: Dude! You made her LEAVE.
AARON: What's the problem???
EMRE: I've *never* seen her get up before
AARON: I don't even--
EMRE: Dude. You got fuckin' rejected.
AARON: Shhit...
EMRE: Do you want me to show you why you got rejected by her?
AARON [sweet, gullible AARON]: YES.
EMRE: Alright. Zoom out.
Look. At that. *FLAB*.
Just look at that.
AARON: Okay, thaaat--
EMRE: There's NO way. Look at your belly! *GROSS*!!
AARON: What are you? An abusive father?
EMRE: You should do some sit-ups! YOU PIG!
AARON: Shrouded Armor? What's this?
OhMAHGawd! I'm gonna lick myself!
Astrid! Check me out! Look! I look just like you!
Wait a minute...Which one of us is Astrid, dude?
[EMRE silently contemplates what he's doing with his life]
EMRE: ...you seriously asking me that question?
AARON: LOOK!
Astrid! You're my sister, look!
And, we're both *incredibly* lickable.
[EMRE finally laughs as his broken mind gives up]
AARON: Isn't that GREAT?
AARON [an actual sadist]: This is what you wanted me to do. Right, Emre?
EMRE: Yeeeah...
AARON: Is this what's next on the, uh, t-the mission?
EMRE: ACTUALLY, YEAH! If you sit in front of this fire for 18 hours, Shadowmere will *pop* out of your *ass*!
AARON: HA, HA! That's how you do it! [claps hands] This why I'm having you help me!
EMRE: No, yeah, mn...
♫
AARON: Where is...Shadowmere?
EMRE: OH, YOU KNOW WHAT??? I forgot...
If you are a window-licking *retard*, then Shadowmere will NOT pop out of your ass.
AARON: *That* is my--
EMRE: And, he's deleted from the game forever.
AARON: That is my favorite type of retard.
The window-licking type.
♫
AARON: Oh, my God. I'm totally gonna talk to Arnbjorn from ABBA.
ARNBJORN: Ooooh, my beautiful *WIFE* has told me all about you...
AARON:...Who's your wife?
Oh, God.
EMRE: You *really* don't want to know.
AARON: Why not...
EMRE: It's gonna break your heart...
AARON: Y...You're not married to Astrid, are you?
[ARNBJORN keeps talking, unaware of the soul he's crushed]
AARON: Oh, noo...
EMRE: I didn't want to say anything. I was hoping you two would never meet, but...
AARON: NOOoo! You're NOT married to Astrid!
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
EMRE: DUDE! He's a werewolf. You can't mess with him.
AARON: FUCK THAT!
ARNBJORN [oblivious]: I LUV ASTRID.
AARON: You leave Astrid alone! S-She only likes me! She talks to me for HOURS!
[The Faint Sound of Emre Laughing at Aaron's Pain]
EMRE: Dude--
AARON: I bet she doesn't talk to YOU at ALL!
EMRE: L-Let it go, man. Just let it go. [laughing]
AARON: God--
EMRE: It's not worth it.
AARON: DAMNIT.
You don't *deserve* Astrid. You SCUM.
[EMRE is pleased]
FESTUS: Consider meh the cranky, old uncle--
AARON: Oh, GAWD. This must be Astrid's father. He talks forever.
Do you approve of this union between Gut-Nuts and Astrid?
Cuz I don't.
AARON [harassing children, yet again]: BBBabette. BaBB'IT....Bah-bet.
AARON: I met your little boyfriend.
ASTRID: I'm afraid I don't--
AARON: Not impressed!
ASTRID: ...have a primary contract for you, yet.
AARON: Oh, yeah! You don't have a contract--yeah! I know w-what you're really trying to say, Astrid.
I know your true feelings, you fucker.
ASTRID: I'm afraid I don't have a primary contract for you, yet.
AARON: Yeaah, okay. You might as well just admit that that's just saying 'I love you'.
EMRE: I wasn't aware that this was going to be sooo...emotional for--
AARON [voice breaking]: She REJECTED me, Emre!
She turned me awaaaay...
For that stupid, Bahlorgadorg or...whatever the *fuck* his name was...
EMRE: This quest just became a lot more difficult.
AARON: It's really affecting me, emotionally. I don't think I can do this.
EMRE: You're gonna get over it! You're gonna find someone else for ya! Astrid, just one of the millions of fish in the sea--
AARON: Nooo. It's always been Astrid. For me.
I'm just gonna drown myself in this tar pit.
EMRE [in disbelief]: YOU JUST MET HER!
AARON [realizing suicide is hard]: Damnit!
EMRE: Wh-What about Lydia? You had her--
AARON: THIS IS YOUR FAULT, LYDIA!!
I'm sick of Lydia. She's really, like...sarcastic and sorta *tough*.
She's not gentle and sexy like Astrid.
I don't--
I hate you!
[SAD, DRAMATIC PIANO STING]
I HATE YOU, LYDIAAAAH!
[AARON sobs while the piano grows more depressed]
AAAAAHHHSTRIIIIIIIDD!
AAAAaaaahhh!!!
AARON [now calm]: You know what?
There's only one solution.
I need to go talk to the Oracle.
And, find out what to do about Astrid...
S-She's in Dawnstar.
♫
AARON: Look it! They just put this on the screen to remind me!
EMRE [laughing]: The Lover's Stone?
AARON [laughing, because he can no longer cry]: GODDAMNIT!
AARON: Uhm. I'm gonna carve Astrid's visage on this tree.
Just to...Imma put, that I love her...
Astrid...
[DRAMATIC PIANO RETURNS]
Luvs...Fün Tits...
There. It's done...
Okay.
That makes it true, right?
[Only the Sad Piano answers AARON, EMRE is still in shock]
AARON: Now, I have to go talk to the Oracle.
She's gonna tell me how to get Astrid.
EMRE: Who is this *Oracle*? What are you talking about?
AARON: I'll show you. I'll show you. She's in this Inn.
EMRE [not so sure]: Mkay...
AARON: Okay.
AARON: Where is the Or--OH! Oh, there we go! Okay, okay...
Oh!
KARITA, THE 'ORACLE': Oh? Did you need something?
AARON [somewhat breathless]: Y-Yeah, I need to talk to the Oracle.
Okaay. Go ahead, Oracle. Tell me what to do.
Uh huh.
Yeeeah...
There's two Oracles...
Look at it--
EMRE: *Those* are the Oracles?
AARON: Oracle! What should I do--
Wait--
Who...?
Who did I come here about?
This is making me forget all about Astrid.
EMRE: That's good! It's exactly what you need!
AARON: EY!
EMRE: WHERE'D THEY GO?!
AARON: GET THAT OUTTA THERE!
[A Mysterious Entity known as ADAM chuckles in the background]
AARON: What are DOING?! You're blocking the Oracles!
Come on!
DAMNIT!
Put that *DOWN*!
Yeesss...
[AARON and EMRE take great joy in sexually harassing womenfolk]
AARON: What the fuck was that--
Did you just try to play the bongos at me?
AARON: Oh, my God. Is...She's doing this on purpose, just to tempt me.
EMRE: You know, she's *really* talented.
I know that she's really well-endowed but, I mean, she can play three different instruments, too.
AARON: That flute looks really veiny...
EMRE: Dude, I think she just slurped that flute into her throat.
AARON [sounding more and more like a creep]: Oohhh, good job, Karita. Good job.
♫
AARON: Alright! Let's continue with the mission.
I feel a lot better.
EMRE: Good.
I'm glad.
AARON: Where do I have to go now, Emre The Bitch?
EMRE: Weeell, you have to kill three people. I remember that.
AARON: Okay.
EMRE: Alright. Which one do you want to kill first?
AARON: OOOh! Narfi, for sure!
EMRE: FUCKIN' NARFI!
♫
EMRE THE PHILOSOPHER: I wonder how many footballs you can fit in a bear's mouth...
[EMRE sniffs, inhaling the stink of his own genius]
AARON:...Why do you wonder that?
EMRE: Well. Whenever I see a big *gaping* anything, I wonder how many footballs--
AARON [laughing]: You wonder how many footballs you can put in it.
EMRE: Yeah.
AARON: Okay, well, that's, uh...you're fuckin--you're fucked in the head.
Whenever I see a refrigerator, I'm like [as dopey Emre] 'How many footballs can I put in thaaat? DERR?'
Like, our mailbox.
Or any sort of, like, bucket.
EMRE: Is that the guy?
Is that him?
AARON: YES.
[AARON and EMRE babble over one another]
AARON: Wait...who is this?AARON: Wait...who is this?
EMRE: This is Narfi.
AARON: OH, it is! I found his sister in the lake!
I wonder how many footballs I could fit in his mouth...
Uhhh, Narfi? Is it okay if I just stand here for like five hours?
Until you go to bed...
Narfi, go to bed!
Go to bed!
Go back in the shack, and go to bed.
AARON [slowly becoming an angry mother]: Narfi, I will wait here for another three hours...
Hey, did you see what day it was?
It's Turd-Ass.
EMRE: TURD-ASS??
AARON: 2:18 AM on Turd-Ass.
My least favorite day is Turd-Ass.
EMRE: My least favorite day is Ur-In-Dick.
AARON: Go to bed!
How late are you going to stay up, you fuckin'...
DAMMIT, GO TO BED!
EMRE [losing patience]: JUST SNEAK UP BEHIND HIM AND YEYEEE--HE DOESN'T EVEN NEED TO BE SLEEPING!
Just fuckin' sneak up! Kill 'em!
EMRE [softly]: Alright. There you go, there you go...
It's Lydia that's detecting you. Don't worry about it.
AARON: You sure about that?
EMRE: YES. YES! Pull out your mace...
Fuckin' beat his ass!
Power Attack. Just--ARGH! DAMMIT!
AARON: Oops. Uhhhh. There's a bounty. Maybe...that didn't work.
EMRE: UHHH...well...
AARON: Emre, how come you didn't give me good advice? You said sneak attack and it totally failed.
EMRE: You didn't POWER ATTACK him!
AARON: Alright. I'm gonna try it again...
Look! There he goes!
EMRE [trying so hard]: Alright, sneak behind  him--
AARON: What do I do???
EMRE: Just, there you go. You're fine.
Pull out your mace.
Alright.
Get up behind him.
*Hold* down one of the--
[AARON doesn't immediately fail]
EMRE: YES!
[EMRE's clapping is like AARON, slow but proud]
FUCK, YES!
You did it!
AARON: I did it!
EMRE: THAAANK GODDD!
AARON: I GOT 'EM!
NARFI!
Let's see...
EMRE: DUDE! You should--Yeah! You should have, like, a calling card. That's a good idea.
Like, every person you *murder* you leave a bounty on...or, a, uh--
AARON: Absolutely.
EMRE: A bowl of mammoth cheese...
AARON: I need a calling card. UUUhhhmm...
How 'bout gold?
EMRE: That's a--No!
AARON: Oh.
EMRE: What a *shitty* idea!
AARON: Okay...
EMRE: Pure *SHIT*.
AARON: How about abandoned shack keys?
That could be a good calling card.
EMRE: You only have ONE...
AARON: Oh...
Uhhhmmm...
How 'bout...invisibility potion recipes?
EMRE [getting tired of AARON's shit]: *AGAIN*...My God.
AARON: I'm gonna be totally dope about this and leave nightshade on their bodies.
EMRE: Dude, that is dope. All you kids out there? This is called *style*.
AARON: Yeah.
EMRE: Yeah.
♫
AARON [singing]: Goin' to kill Ennodius, EnnOdiUS PapIUSss...
♪ DOo DAa Doo dAa DOo doo ♪
♪ DOoo Daa DOoo Da DOOoo Dooooo ♪
HAI!
POOR, PITIFUL ENNODIUS: Why are you here?!
AARON: I dunno--
ENNODIUS: GET AWAY FROM ME!
AARON: What?!
I just wanted to fuckin' smash your FACE in, you *piece of shit*!
ENNODIUS: Nevah should have come here!
AARON: Uh. Well. There we go.
EMRE: Ah! Look at his head!
Aww. It almost made it to the river.
AARON: I wanna put it back on his body.
Somebody needs to witness me doing this.
And, I'm gonna try and cover this up.
Lydia, get out of the way!
[EMRE snorts, stifling laughter]
AARON: Get your...DON'T kick the head!
Okaaay, Ennodius.
Just, uh...
Get right back on there...
Come on.
You can do this. I know--Here, I'll move the body.
EMRE: Yeah, there you go.
AARON: OH, no! Come back here!
Get--WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
EMRE: Whooaa!
Why is it going all the way over there?
AARON: Where the Hell it go?!
GodDAMNIT! All my work *RUINED*!
Okay.
Come on.
Nope! No, no, nonono--Ohhh! OH! SHIT!
EMRE: Dude. You lost the head.
AARON: Oooh, dammit.
Stupid. Ennodius Papius.
I'm gonna put your body in the river.
This is...This is like the weirdest thing I've ever seen in a game.
I'm just gonna put that out there.
There we go! BYYYEEEee!
BON VOYAAAaaGE!
EMRE: This is the first episode of Skyrim for Mobsters.
[EMRE and AARON giggle like school girls]
AARON: That was a very 'Pulp Fiction-y' moment that we just had right here.
♫
[RECORD SKIPS]
AARON: OH, NO! NONONONO--Oh, God! OHGOD!
OOOhh, look at what I forgot!
AARON: I am *NOT* a good assassin!
[EMRE cracks up over AARON'S continued incompetence]
AARON: This is bad news, everybody!
We can only hope that his body is still stuck in that eddy.
Because, if it's not there...
OOOHH, YES!
Oh, yesss...
EMRE: THANK GAWD.
AARON: OH, Ennodius! It's good to see you again, my friend.
Okay.
EMRE: JESUS! What serial killers must go through every time...
AARON: I KNOW! Well, especially *forgetful* serial killers.
There's your nightshade, man. I'm sorry I forget that.
Oh, God. I'm a terrible...terrible, killer.
♫
AARON: OH, SHIT!
EMRE [sounding constipated]: OOOooooooohh fuuuck!
AARON: It's time to visit *THE ORACLES*!
EMRE: AGAIN.
[AARON groans like a creepazoid]
EMRE: It's like they get wiser every time you see 'em.
AARON: They really do! How do they do that?
Karita, if I did this in real life--if you were real--I would be in *jail*.
EMRE: Not if you took her out for a nice dinner first.
AARON: Then I could just stand here and stare at her tits all night?
[laughing] I don't think that's how it works, Emre.
You don't really get out much, do ya?
EMRE: You just haven't met the right girls yet.
AARON [incredulously]: That's what it is. Okay.
WOW.
Do...we have to keep doing this mission? Can I just stay here?
EMRE: You must.
It's for *the horse*.
AARON [weakly]: Ah, okay, I'll pry myself away...
Oh...
AAHH!!
OOhh, GAHD! UUGGGGH! [disgusted by the monstrosity that is Lydia]
WOW.
That's like a cold shower.
AARON: Alright. So, let's continue the mission.
EMRE: Uhh, turn around.
AARON: UHMmm--
EMRE: Turn around.
AARON: So, anyway--
EMRE [suddenly sexy]: Turn right 'round, babeh.
AARON: Wait, why?
AARON: Wait, there used to be something written on this tree...
EMRE: WWwhhat are you talkin' 'bout?
[RETURN OF SAD PIANO]
AARON: Astrid...
Astrid! YOU MADE ME FORGET ABOUT ASTRID!
YOU MADE ME FORGET ABOUT ASTRID WITH THAT VEINY FLUTE PLAYING SLUT!
EMRE: I-I NEEDED YOU *IN* THE *GAME*! I NEEDED YOU TO REMEMBER WHAT YOU ARE HERE FOR!
AARON: AAaaahh, okay, we gotta go back!
We gotta go back to Astrid!
Astrid loves me!
EMRE: YOU'RE GOING CRAZY--
AARON: SHE JUST HASN'T REALIZED IT YET!
DO YOU KNOW ASTRID?!
AH-BALONEY?! [Abelone]
You look like you're made of ahhh-baloney!
Oh, my God! Let's get out of here!
I gotta go back to Astrid!
What's happening?!
[EMRE keeps his pimp hand strong, slapping AARON back to sanity]
EMRE: SHUDDUP!
You just have ONE more person to kill and then you can return to Astrid a *hero*!
AARON [clearheaded]: I'm not gonna let Astrid do this to me.
You're absolutely right. I'm gonna be a *PIMP*.
AARON: Beitlid. Gonna kill BEITliid.
EMRE: BeeiiTlid.
AARON: Here I come, Beitlid!
Get ready!
♪ BEEEIITTLIDDD, Ooooh, BEIITLiiid! ♪
♪ OOOHHhh, whEEeere AAAaare yoUU, BEEItLIiid??? ♪
♪ IIIii'MMmm GOOoonAA KIiiLL YOUUU, BEEIiittLIIIDD ♪
♪ I'M GONNAA SMAAAssh youuu Wiiith MYyyy MAAccee ♪
♪ Kill you with my MAAccee in the faAAAce, Gonna KIIiilll yOu in YOUrrr PLAce ♪
[losing momentum] ♪ Gonna kill you with a flaming mace of dooOOOoomm...in yer dah, be, bah-b...♪
EMRE: This is why we don't sing.
AARON [forlorn again]: If only Astrid was here with me...
We could kill Bitch-lid together...
We'd make such a good team...
We could go around assassinating people in their beds and then, kiss.
[EMRE continues to find joy in AARON's loneliness]
AARON: It's cozy in here.
EMRE: Yeah.
AARON [whispering]: Oh, look! There she is...
Hey, be quiet--NO, NO, NO! GO BACK TO SLEEP!
EMRE: FUCKIN' KILL HER! QUICK!
NOW!
DO IT!
FUCK! You mussed up! GHH!
EMRE: Ah?
MMn??
Ahhh, DAMMIT.
AARON: I got bounty'd.
[Blooper Reel Blip Sound]
EMRE [whispering]: Okay. Be very, very quiet--
AARON: Ooohh, JEEesus...
EMRE: OOOHH, GAWD!
AARON: I don't wanna play anymore.
[Blooper Reel Blip Sound]
EMRE: Alright. *FOCUS*. This is time to work.
AARON: I can't, can't concentrate.
EMRE: Get Astrid and her beautiful...*ass*, outta your head.
AARON: It's not a beautiful ass. It's just *lickable*.
EMRE [softly]: There you go...
AARON: Bitch-ild! Hey, Bitch-ild...
Bitch-ild, wake up!
BITCH-ILD!
HEY, IT'S ME!
Man, she sleeps sound.
EMRE: Jump on her bed!
That'll do it.
AARON: I didn't wanna wake her up, though! GODDAMIT, EMRE!
EMRE: KILL HER!!
NOW, QUICK!
HURRY!
[Flails and Fails]
̶B̶E̶I̶T̶I̶L̶D̶  BITCH-LID: You're not supposed to be here!
AARON [getting tired]: AAahhhGawwhhd...
I'm such a failuureee! [laughing at himself]
[BITCH-LID MUST DIE, TAKE 3]
EMRE [whispering]: Alright...
AARON: SSHHH...
I'm just, I'm just gonna sneak up on her--watch! [INSERT JAWS THEME]
EMRE: J-Just kill her!
Just *do it*!
♪ DUUUUUUUuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnn ♪
[AARON at last knows the taste of success]
EMRE: YEEEESS!
EMRE: Alright, that was *kinda* a little overboard.
AARON: I did it, okay? It was good enough.
Oh, my God! I'm gonna give the leg of goat roast to Astrid and then she'll really love me!
EMRE [playing him]: Oh, my God! Yeah!
OH! And, you know what next Turd-Ass is??
AARON: What?
EMRE: Valentine's Day!
AARON: OOoooh, yeaaaaAAH!
AARON: Alright. Another successful assassination!
Hey, Lydia! How's it goin'?
LYDIA: We heading out?
AARON: Yeah, we're heading out. You know, I just went in there to use the bathroom. So, I think we're ready to go now.
LYDIA [ever condescending]: I AAAmmm SWOOrrn to carry yer BUUrrddeeens...
AARON: You need to be stopping, so sarcastic, seriously...
It's *really* a turn-off...
OH, SHIT!
I forgot to leave my calling card!
[LYDIA enters the house, stomping like a 2 ton armored gorilla]
AARON: JESUS CHRIST! WHY DON'T YOU MAKE MORE NOISE?!
GAWD, LYDIA!
Lydia! UUhhhm! She was, uhhh...
UHhh! This doesn't, isn't what it looks like!
Um, we just had sex.
And, she's just sleeping now cuz it was *so* good.
I'm just gonna give her a flower.
AAAnd, we'll head out...
AARON [to himself]: Oohhh, God. Lydia f--caught me. In the act of killing.
There ya GOOooo...
You can take *that* to the Underworld with you, Bitlid.
AGGH! Okay! I gave her the flower! She's, umm, probably gonna wake up in a couple of hours--LET'S GO!
♫
AARON: It's time to set the record straight with Astrid.
I bought a new outfit! Just...f-for her.
EMRE: OH, really?
AARON: I mean, for--for, uhm, for me to wear.
EMRE: Ah, I can't wait!
AARON: Here I come, Astrid!
AARON: OH, GOD! What a *long* journey!
OOOOOOooooooh! Just need to rest my legs for a couple seconds!
MMnn. Look at that.
OOH, Emre--
EMRE: A-Are you trying to get me to get angry, or upset? Cuz I'm not gonna.
AARON [shocked: *WHY* would I do that Emre?? I just--
EMRE: I'm not gonna let ya.
AARON: I'm just takin' the game in stride. People--
EMRE: NO.
AARON: Y-You should enjoy the game for what it's...
[EMRE, sighing, questions their friendship]
AARON:..Worth.
AARON: OH, shit! Where's Astrid?! She's not in here!
AAAstriiid?
AAaaaastriddd...
I better put on my new outfit.
Here it is! It's called, uh, Sex Armor.
Oh and I have my *fucking* gold ring, bitch.
EMRE: OOOoooo!
AARON: It's also, It's my bling. I got some bling.
I got a fuckin' gold ring. *Bitch*.
I think I'm ready to IMPRESS, Astrid.
Check this shit out.
EMRE: Ohhh, WOOOw!
AARON: Dude?
Am I...Is that *SEX ARMOR* or what?
EMRE: Ahuh...I think you should take off your helmet...
Personally, uhh, I dunno how she's gonna *make out* with you.
AARON: No.
EMRE: With the helmet.
AARON: That would be...That would be kinda--It would taste kind of gross.
EMRE: It would be like lickin' the inside of a dwarf.
Oh, nice!
AARON: Oh, that is pretty.
EMRE: I know, yeah.
AARON: I am a looker!
Know what I mean?
AARON [still desperate]: Wooow. Look at me. In the *ass*.
EMRE: This is even more awkward than I thought possible.
AARON: This is really...
Uhhh, I feel kind of weird doing this, even in a video game.
EMRE: I'm sweating.
AARON: Okay. Alright. I'll stop.
ASTRID: Ahhh. There you are.
AARON: EHEHEE--yeah!
What?
ASTRID:...was done speaking with that *muttering* fool, anyway.
AARON: Yeah, me too!
ASTRID: We've got some business to discuss.
AARON: D-DO you like MY NEW OUTFIT?!
ASTRID [oblivious]: You must go to the city of Markarth.
AARON: Okay.
ASTRID: And speak with the apothecary's assistant.
AARON: Okay...
ASTRID: You'll probably find her in 'The Hag's Cure' when the shop is open.
EMRE: It's to get condoms.
[ASTRID goes on, ignored by horny boys]
EMRE: I mean--
AARON: EHEHE, yeah!
EMRE: Girl condoms...
[THE BOYS cackle as ASTRID blithers on and on about everything but girl condoms]
AARON: Yeess. Yes, so we don't accidentally hurt each other.
AARON [fishing for compliments]: Anything else, Astrid?? Mmnnhehehehhhhe....
ASTRID: Just do *whatever* tASTRID: Just do *whatever* the contact wishes.he contact wishes.
AARON: Yeah!
ASTRID: She'll be generous, I'm sure.
AARON: Oh, yeah, yeah...
ASTRID: They always are...
AARON: Oohh, yeah, they SURE are. EHEHEH.
Hey, Astrid!
I know you and I like to have little conversations around this table...
I just wanted you to check out what I'm wearing.
Astrid?
I think this armor really shows off my *hips*!
And, my...
EMRE: Abdominal...strength.
AARON: Yeah! I mean, look at how *fit* I am, Astrid...
Do you like that?
[ASTRID is a busy, busy woman]
Astrid! Answer me.
Astrid, I have a present for you.
Oh, she's gonna love this. She is gonna *LOVE* this!
There you go!
I got it just for YOU, Astrid! The LEG OF GOAT ROAST! It's just for you, baby!
EMRE: Maybe she wants you to feed it to her?
AARON: I'm just gonna rub it all over her face.
Astrid?
[WET MEAT SLAPPY SOUNDS]
[SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP]
♫
EMRE: Oh! I just got this brilliant idea.
AARON: Yeah?
EMRE: You should seduce Arnbjorn.
And then, Astrid will break up with him because he slept with you...
And then, you can get Astrid!
AARON: That's a great idea, Emre. I'm on it.
You just eat that roast!
EMRE: WHOAAAAH!
AARON: Holy shit! Why do they employ a fuckin' dead man up here?
EMRE:  It looks like somebody left his face in a bathtub for a week!
[THE BOYS laugh at the elderly]
AARON: Where is he?
Where's ARNBAHJORN??
VEEZARA: Meeee? I've been part of the Dark Brotherhood from the day I first hatched.
AARON: Do you think I *FUCKING* care, Veezara?
Hey!
Nazir! Check this out.
BAHAHA--I dropped the raw beef on his head!
EMRE: LOOK AT 'EM!
AARON: OOOHH, WHAT A LOSER!
EMRE: Got his arms crossed--
AARON: I fuckin' played a good practical joke on you, didn't I?
EMRE: I thought you were gonna fuckin' talk to Ambyjorn?
Anbyjorn?
AARON: I don't know where Anbyjorn is. I can't ff--
He's slunk away because he knows that I am the rightful...b-bride of his wife.
I've proven myself time and time again in battle while he just SAT here and like, twiddled his dick.
Oh! Here he is!
ARNBJORN: Hello, Tid-Bit.
AARON: Da--WHAT the FFFUCK did he just call me?!
EMRE: WAAAhhh, I think he called you Tin-Bits.
ARNBJORN: You're part of a family now, Ham-Shank.
AARON: I do *not* appreciate being called HAM-SHANK.
EMRE: Or, Tid-Bit!
AARON: Take it BACK!
ARNBJORN: What do ya want, Beef-Roast?
EMRE: OH HOHOHO!
AARON: OKAY! No one calls me Beef-Roast, unless they're in bed with me! Okay?!
Yeah! You are a sicko!
I can't believe Astrid loves you!
Fuckin' calling me Tid-bit...
I hate talking to Arnbjorn. He always looks like he's so fucking cool, but...he's not.
Astrid!
Hey, Astrid! I got you a flower!
It's ticklin' yer chin, Astrid! You can giggle, it's alright...
Come on!
SNIFF IT!!
SNIFF MY FLOWER!!!
Yeeeeewwwww fuckin'...
This relationship is *rough*. I'm not sure about this anymore, Astrid.
I'm really starting to have *doubts* about us.
A relationship is a two-way street. ASTRID
I'm gonna give you ONE more chance.
I'm gonna go out and kill some people and come back.
And, you better *shape up* when I get back here!
EMRE: Oh, you had your first fight...
AARON: It's true. You're right. That was just our first fight.
♫
AARON: Alright, so, I'm gonna go to Markarth aaaand I'm gonna start killin' some bitches.
HEY, ERBODY! WASSUP?!
WATS HAPPENIN', BIIITCHESSS?
EMRE [gasping]: OH! They have their own Oracles here!
AARON: Hroki! You killed the Oracle and took her chest!
HROKI: Mah father is more generous than he lets on...
Gives me plenty of spending money!
AARON [unnecessarily loud]: I BET YOUR FATHER GIVES YOU LOTS OF SPENDING MONEY!
Hey. How's it goin', *FRAabbi*?
You know what?
It's--That's a good name for you to have, because you *look* Frabby.
AARON [suddenly a Mean Girl]: You're kinda--Your shirt's fallin' off.
You look kinda *beat up*.
And--
FRABBI: Ye come right tew meh, if yeh find an unwashed floor or a lumpy bed!
AARON: Yeah...Thanks, FRABBI.
Nice to meet you...
Wow. I feel sorry for *Frabbi*...
AARON: WHOAAAAH--What's goin' on, Muiri?
MUIRI: Why are you looking at me like that?
AARON: I'm not sure what you're talking about. You're kinda pissing me off.
Okay! Let's see what she's talking about.
Oh, shit--I forgot I had this sex armor on!
EMRE: Maybe that's what she's talking about.
AARON: Tell you what. I'm gonna look at you really LEWD so you know what like, what I'm...What you're talking about.
MMNNNnn. Muiriii.
MUIRI: Why are you looking at me like that?
AARON: I don't know what you're talking about, ma'am! EHEHEHEH.
Right?
She just finished her, uhh, lingerie football game.
Judging by that makeup.
You forgot to wash your face off after that football game.
Okay. What did she say? I don't really knowww...
I haven't been paying attention. Kinda bored by Muiri...
EMRE: Alright, well, if you're ever *not* paying attention just remain silent.
AARON: Okay.
MUIRI: Well, there is one more thing...
AARON: Okay?
MUIRI: If you're interested...
AARON THE PERVERTED: EHEHEHhh, I'm listening...
MUIRI: If you can...
AARON: MHM??
MUIRI: I want you to kill someone else, as well.
AARON: WHAT?
AARON: I thought maybe she just wanted me to, like, do the dishes or something...
Is there anything else? I don't CARE.
GOODBYE.
Okay, uhhh--
[THE SOUND OF MANIC FOOTSTEPS INBOUND]
Excuse me, wha--
FRABBI: YEW WAHNT A DRINK?!
AARON: UHH...
WOW. That was really urgent, Frabbi??
W-Woowww, whah...hahaaaah--
[AARON and EMRE dissolve into laughter]
AARON: Somebody must have ran over to her and been like, 'HE NEEDS A DRINK!! STAT!!!'
FRABBI [deeply, in slow motion]: YEEEEH WAAANHT EHHHH DRIIiiiiINKKkk?
AARON: Thanks, Frabbi!
FRABBI: I should remind Kleppr to clean this place up!
AARON: Yeah, definitely. It's filthy in here. *IT'S DISGUSTING*.
Alright.
See YAAaa...
God, she's weird.
OOoh, God! What ever they're cooking is disgusting!
AAAGHH! AHH! OOGHHH!
[A Mighty Vomit of FUS RO!]
Ahh, Gahd! Sorry about that! I hope they can clean this up.
UHHm, okay. So, I'm afraid, as usual, I was not paying attention to anything that was happening.
Aaand, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now...
EMRE: Wellll, I think you have two people to kill now.
Uh, one of them is in a city.
Aaand, the other one is in some Dwarven ruin.
AARON: Hey, what kinda shield is that? Is that some kind of Dragon Ball shield?
EMRE: *Dragon Ball* shield?
Nah, that looks like one of the scarabs from 'The Mummy'.
AARON: I wouldn't know that because I haven't watched that trash-fuck movie.
EMRE: WHAT??
AARON: Yeah, isn't that the movie with that guy that's...
EMRE: Brendan Fraser?
AARON: Yeah! Brendan Fraser!
EMRE: Yeeah!
[The Mysterious Entity known as ADAM attempts to correct their mispronunciation]
AARON: Brendan FRAAAAAIZUR.
Thanks, *Adam*, for correcting our Brendan FRAAAAIZUR pronouncement!
Can you punch Adam in the fuck-face?
EMRE: YEAH.
[The Sound of EMRE Rhythmically Beating Adam]
AARON: Thanks.
If I find out this whole thing is a big practical joke, and there is no Demon Horse...
I'm gonna kill you.
EMRE [unimpressed]: That would be *tragic*.
AARON: That would beee...*more* than tragic. You will get...something chopped off your body.
[EMRE chuckles at AARON's poor threats
AARON: And, I will determine what that *is* by rolling a 20 sided die.
And, labeling all your parts.
EMRE [laughing]: Oh, good!
AARON: Natural 20 is your dick.
EMRE: Oh, that's only a 5 percent chance so--
AARON: 19 is your balls.
EMRE:...10 percent chance.
AARON: Uhhhhm, if I roll an 18...it's your dick *and* balls.
AARON: 17, just the tip of your dick.
EMRE: UHHH...
AARON [loves to talk about EMRE's dick]: 16, one ball.
15...
Uhh, a toe...
Will be *stuffed* up your ball, and then cut off.
14...uhh, I cut off your nose.
And, stick it up your dick slice.
Now, that is a clever way to cook your food!
That is ingenius!
EMRE: Martha Stewart Livin'!
AARON: Uhmm, okay, well. It's gonna be hard to get through his little, uh, setup here--
Without getting...burned like a skeever...
EMRE: GO, GO, GO, GO!
AARON: Oh, shit.
Now, watch Lydia come through. Hey, Lydia!
Lydia, come on through!
AWWWWW, LYDIAAAA! You DIPSHIT!
[AARON and EMRE continue to laugh at LYDIA's pain]
AARON: Just a lil joke I played on ya there. Heh. Heh. Heh.
EMRE: She's got no choice, dude. She *has* to do it.
RANDOM DUNGEON DWELLING DUMBASS: Yeh won't live ta see to--AAAGGGGHHH!!!
AARON: Now, wait, what day is that?
You were talking about?
EMRE [mockingly]: TOOMAAAAAAAAAGHHHHhhh!
AARON: WELL. Alright. I guess I won't live til whatever day that was.
[Giggle Giggle]
AARON: It's tiiiiime to assassinate youuuuu--
EMRE: Oh, SHIT.
AARON: *Expert*??
EMRE: Ohhho, boy...
AARON: Holy bawls...
EMRE: This is gonna take a while.
[AARON FAILS UPWARDS TO SMOOTH JAZZ]
AARON:...I'm tired.
EMRE: Yeah, that's a good excuse.
AARON: Shuddup, I did it!
HEY, ERBODY! WHO WANTS TO GET ASSASSINATEDDD?
HEEEEYYyyy, HOW 'BOUT YOU??
NOOooo, how 'bout....YOOOoooooooouuu?
BANDIT DUMMY #3: NEVAH SHOULD HAVE CUMM HEREEEE~~
AARON: I'm gonna do a little bit of 'Weekend at Bernie's' action here.
EMRE: Alright.
AARON: I got Alain here. Check this out.
AARON [as the limp corpse, ALAIN]: Heeeey, maan!
Heeey, can you bring me a sandwich? I'm really hungry!
Hey, dude! Come on!
Snap out of it--It's Alaaain! Bring me a sandwich, man!
Hey, wanna go to the beach??
Hey, maaaahn--
LOOK! I'm really hungry! LOOK AT ME!
AARON [normally]: Oops.
EMRE: Pick 'em up, quick!
AARON: I don't think he fell for my trick!
[BAHAHAAHA]
AARON: Hey, did you see Alain? He was totally--EEYY! WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?!
GAWDDAMNIT!
And with that, we wrap up another episode of 'Skyrim for Pimps'.
The Quest for the Demon Horse, which is very elusive.
EMRE: I just can't wait til we get to the end of that thing.
That quest.
AARON: The end of, ehh, which quest?
EMRE: *Astrid*.
AARON: Really? Why?
EMRE, THE MYSTERIOUS: Ohhh. You'll find out.
AARON: Oh, noo...
I'm worried...
EMRE: Let's just say, you get to see her...*naked*.
AARON: My Astrid, naked?
EMRE: Yeah.
AARON: And, enslaved at my feet??
EMRE: She's at your feet alright.
AARON: OOH--Wait a minute...
I don't like the way you said that...
EMRE finds great delight in AARON's confusion]
♫
EMRE: It's time for Fün Tits to go shoppin'!
AARON: Well, Good Morning!
ENDARIE: Oooooh...What a delight. Another *charming* customer...
EMRE: Was that sarcasm??
AARON: I dunno, man. She's never a happy lady.
EMRE: She looks like a Kardashian.
AARON: Wha?? A *licker* hood?
I better buy *that*. I dunno what a 'licker hood' is, but I got it now.
Aw, that's a nice--I like the colors on that one.
EMRE: Yeah! That's right, Folks.
AARON: Ohhh! Wowww--It's shiny!
EMRE: We're shopping in Skyrim.
AARON: We sure are! It's all gonna make sense. You'll see.
Here's the thing. My clothes are *fine*. I didn't buy those clothes for *me*.
I bought those clothes...
To give to other people.
OOkay, let's see here....
*Take*.
[EMRE laughs as AARON'S perversion reaches new heights]
AARON: There ya go! That's a little bit better!
Yeah!
TAARIE [displeased]: HMMMM. If you ever want to replace those old rags, stop by 'Radiant Raiment'.
AARON: Uhhhh...
EMRE: Look who's talking!
AARON: Yeaaah, that's kinda funny coming from you!
Why don't ya just hold on for a second?
I'm gonna help you out.
Yeah, definitely. She needs a 'licker hood'.
Maybe just the boots and a hat?
So, there she's got the boots on...
You didn't put the hat on!
TAARIE: GIT AWAY FROM MEEE!
AARON: PUT THE HAT ON!
EMRE: Give her some clothes, man. She must be chilly.
AARON: Uggghh, fiiine...
What? She didn't even put 'em on! I gave her clothes, and she won't put them on.
That's really disturbing. So, if I steal the clothes off everyone in this town, they'll just always walk around in their underwear.
EMRE [also a pervert]: DO IT, MAN! DO IT!
AARON [regretting a decision, for once]: That's gonna give me nightmares, I think...
Can you steal a guard's outfit?
EMRE: There's only one way to find out.
[AARON laughs like a seal]
EMRE: That's the chest that took that sword so many years ago.
And, look down--That's the knee that took all those arrows.
AARON: Yes, it is.
YEAH, uh, dude! You are *HAIRY*.
Look at you!
Do you think his girlfriend, like, takes his chest hair and sort of swishes it around--
And makes, like, designs with it?
This is the most perverted game, ever.
Or, are we just perverted because we're doing this? [Yes]
EMRE: We should start a Facebook poll.
AARON: See, look--Look at the building symbol, up at the top? It's even *shaped* like a dick.
All kinds of symbolism in this game.
EMRE: Hey, look! The door looks like a vagina!
AARON: Like a big, steel and wood vagina?
EMRE: YUP. That parts when you...shove your face into it.
Alright! Here we go! Time to create an orgy!
What?
AARON: AWWWWhhhh, I can't take it?!
EMRE: WHAAAT?!
That's SHIT!
AARON: She's doesn't have any clothes equipped...
EMRE: Son of a BITCH!
AARON: I bet you'd like it if Sybille was, uhh, a little less 'garbed'.
EMRE: I WOULD.
AARON: ARGHhhh! What is happening?!
Can't take any of these dudes clothes!
What about this jackass? NO.
EMRE: Aw, that's *LAME*!
AARON: Buncha lame-O's!
EMRE [needing to see more naked men]: You should undress all their guards.
EMRE is slowly becoming LIL JON] WHAT?!
AARON: UGH! Nobody in this palace is undressable!
AARON [ever in denial]: What we're doing is more like, you know, if we had some Barbie dolls and like took all their clothes off...
EMRE: Yeah.
AARON: Except for their underwear.
EMRE: And, those people are like G.I. Joe's.
AARON: Exactly!
EMRE: Can't take the clothes off--even though we, we've always wanted to!
Ever since we were little kids!
AARON: EXACTLY.
EMRE [oddly specific]: See what Commander Cobra's...underwear looked like...
AARON: Yeah, cuz you wanna know! You wanna know. There's nothing weird or *perverse* about this. At all.
So, s-shut up.
♫
AARON: Okay, so, I'm here in Windhelm...to do the *optional*.
Not the *necessary*, the *optional*.
And, kill Nilsine Shatter-Shield.
EMRE: That's because you're an *OVERACHIEVER*.
AARON: I am.
EMRE: OOOOOOooooo--Master!
Ah!
You broke one.
AAH! You broke *TWO*.
AARON: OOoooohhh--
EMRE: AH! THREE!
AARON: They have--okay! Look at how many lockpicks I have.
EMRE: 99+...
AARON: Exactly.
EMRE: Only *losers* have 99+.
AARON: Every time I go to the lady that buys all the stolen goods--
EMRE: The Fence?
AARON: Yeah.
Emre: The Fence. Yeah.
AARON: She doesn't have enough money to buy everything, so I have to like buy all her stuff--
And then sell her all the stolen things I bought.
So, that's why I have like, uhm...you know, 200 lockpicks.
EMRE [mocking AARON's hardship]: 'OH! YOU KNOW! I have SO MUCH money!'
'And I need MOAR then I have to *BUY THINGS* so that I can sell my *OTHER THINGS*!'
AARON: Exactly!
Cuz I don't want the things that I *have*, I want the *other things*.
EMRE: Ughh. *NORD* problems.
AARON: Uh, Lydia. Um, Hey...Lydia, look. Look down here, Lydia.
[addressing Lydia like the dog she is] Look it down heeeree, Lydia! There's a sack down heeere!
Check it oouut...
EMRE: Dude, she's not gonna listen to you. She's gonna say--
LYDIA: YER NOT SUPPOSED TO BEH IN HERE!
AARON: OOOOhhh, JESUS, Lydia! You're such a downer! *GAWDammIT*.
LYDIA: As you wish, my Thane.
AARON: YEAH. I'm your Thane. You shouldn't be fuckin' reprimanding me when I go in places I'm not supposed to go.
EMRE: You know what Lydia?! *YOU'RE* not supposed to be in there!
AARON: Yeah, but *I* can go wherever I want. Cuz I'm beautiful.
EMRE: Fuckin' VIP.
AARON AKA REGINA GEORGE: If you weren't so ugly, Lydia, maybe you could come in illegal places, too!
Take some beauty tips from ME, LyTake some beauty tips from ME, Lydia.dia.
Ooooh, Nilsine...
I don't wanna do this...
Just kidding!
[NILSINE cries out for the last time in her sad, lonely life]
[AARON and EMRE shiver with sadistic glee] OOOOHHH! OOOhohohoooohohooo...
That is just...*mean*.
EMRE: You should shove her in an urn.
That way nobody will find her.
AARON: Yeah, and--Oh! There's a basket right here.
EMRE: There ya go.
AARON: Okay--Ugh!
[Weak Grunting Noises]
Get in there! Come on!
[AARON'S so feeble]
AARON: OOOhhh, oh! This is not working out!
EMRE: UHHHHM. Maybe you should put her on the ground, then put the basket on top of her.
AARON: Alright, come 'ere.
Come 'ere...
OOOhh, ohhh! I almost had her in there!
Oh, oh!
Okay.
Okay, you stay there.
Aaaaand...Imma put the basket...ooonn, come on...
EMRE: There you go!
AARON: JUSS ABOUT GOT IT!
AARON: UGHHH! CRAP.
Oh, yeah. I gotta leave my, uhhh, my t--my, my, my death token.
EMRE: Sweeeet.
AARON: There you go! I'm yer murderer! Hope this was a good time for you!
Hiding her just didn't really work, did it?
EMRE: NOOOooo but I think you could give it another shot, though. I mean--
A GRIZZLED VOICE, OFF-SCREEN: YER NOT SUPPOSED TA BE IN HERE!
[Cue the shock and laughter of a pair of pervy bois caught in the act]
AARON: WHAAAT?! WHO'S TALKING TO ME??
WITNESS: Dis is yer last warning! LEAVE. NOW.
AARON: OOOOHOHOO, SHIT!
EMRE: RUN!!
AARON: I GOTTA GIT OUTTA HERE!
EMRE: RUUUN!
♫
AARON: Oh, I have the key...
Where are youuuu...?
Muuuirrii?
Eheheh...
W-WHAT THE FFFUCK!
WHAT ARE YOU *DOING*??
She's trying to hide from me!
MUIRI THE BLAIR WITCH: Please. Take this. As payment and I symbol of my *affection*.
EMRE: OOOOooo!
AARON: *HELLOoooo*, what?
EMRE: Maybe *she'll* marry you.
AARON: My God, I think she's vying for my attention from Astrid.
She's a little bit friendlier than Astrid, too, actually.
MUIRI: Thank you again for resolving my...problem.
EMRE [pushing boundaries]: Aaaand, much less HOMELY.
AARON: Uuuuuh, did you *want* me to cut your balls off...?
And stick them up your nostrils?
MUIRI: Thank you again for resolving my...problem.
AARON: You're welcome. Can I have a kiss?
WHATTHEFUCK?! I just wanted a--
OhMahGawhd, I just wanted a kiss! And, I k-killed her!
LYDIA, DON'T BLOCK MY WAY! YOU JEALOUS, OLD HAG! COME ON!
Oh, no! Come back, come back!
MUIRI: Thank you again for resolving my...problem.
AARON: Yeah, gimme--UGH! My God, she's elusive!
♫
AARON: What's next? Oh, my God! Tell me I get to go back and talk to Astrid!
EMRE: YUP! TIME TO GO VISIT ASTRID!
AARON: HEEEEeeell, yesssss....
Astrid, you look tired--Are you okay?
EMRE: Ohh, man, that's not a good sign.
She still hasn't eaten your gift.
AARON [oblivious to his own creepdom]: GAWDammIT! Why do you refuse my attempts to woo you?!
ASTRID: Ahhh, you're back...
AARON: Yep.
ASTRID [practically moaning her words]: SOooo...
How went your first *real* contract?
AARON: UGHHGAHD. When she said 'so', I just about came.
ASTRID [sounding even MORE sexy]: NOOWWW...
I need your assistance with a matter of a more, mmm, *personal nature*...
AARON [hopes getting way too high]: DID YOU HEAR WHAT SHE SAID?!
SHE NEEDS HELP WITH A *PERSONAL MATTER*!!
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!
AARON [quivering with anticipation]: What do you want me to *do*, Astrid...
...Hide in the Night Mother's coffin?
WHATTHEFUCK.
I'm not doing that!
EMRE: If you wanna impress her, you're gonna have to.
AARON [skin crawling]: Ohgaaawd...
So, to impress Astrid, I have to hide in the Night Mother's coffin...
WOW.
You are *sick*, Astrid. You're a sick, little monkey!
AARON [still seething with jealousy]: Arnbjorn's a fuckin' beef prostitute.
He's a fuckin', he...
What. The.
HELL is...
OhMAhGawd. This is *gross*.
I have to lock myself in here with *THIS*?
Dude.
I can't believe that *that* turns Astrid on.
[AARON heaves one final sigh of disgust
EMRE: The *weirdest shit* apparently turns her on.
AARON: Why is Astrid making me do this...?
OOOhhh, GGHaawddd...
Uggghh...
[Somewhere a Freaky Clown is humming]
AARON [getting spooked]: Okay, who's singing...?
[More Humming, More Singing]
So, what is Cicero *DOING* that I can't see right now?
EMRE: Well. What do you think a clown WOULD do if he was locked in a room with a corpse?
GRANNY NIGHT MOTHER SPEAKS FROM THE DEPTHS: PooOOoor CIIiicERRooo....
AARON: Okay. What's goin' on here?
EMRE: I think Astrid' playing a prank on you.
AARON: I think this is all a big joke.
She's humiliating me in front of, like, the stupidest member of the Guild...
And, that's *HER* whispering. You know that's her whispering.
EMRE [going along with it]: Oh, yeah.
AARON: ASTRID! I can tell that's YOUUuuu...
NIIIce trrryy...
[CICERO continues to cum on himself outside of the coffin]
EMRE: You know, this *PROVES* that she likes you, though.
If she's willing to do this...?
AARON: Really?
EMRE: YEAH! Think about it.
AARON: She's being playful! She really does like me!
EMRE: YEAH! It's like in elementary school...
You know, when you liked a girl and you just *pushed* her FACE into the water fountain?
AARON: Or when you liked a girl aaand you locked her in your grandmother's coffin?
And then, spoke to her in a weird voice and pretend ed you were the grandmother?
And she freaked out and, like, killed herself?
[EMRE stews in silence, questioning their friendship]
Right?
That happened to you, didn't it?
OH, HEY! How's it goin', Cicero?
CICERO [shrieking like a sheep with rabies]: ESSSXXXPLAAaaaIINN YEEERRSeeeeLLFFF!!!!
AARON: What's your problem?
EMRE: Yeah. Maybe you should just play along, man. Play along with this shit.
AARON: Okay.
UUUHHHHH, Cicero?? The Night Mother spoke to me! She said UHHHH uhhhDAAhh, I'm the one.
CICERO: MOAR TREACHERY. More TRICKERY and DECEIT!
AARON: It's just a little joke by Astrid, actually. You don't really have to get worked up about it, dude.
UHHHH, wait, she said to tell you, UHHHHH--'DARKNESS RISZZES WHEN SILENCE DAIS'.
CICERO [suddenly calm]: She....She said *that*?
AARON: Yeah.
CICERO: She said *those words*...?
AARON: WEELLL, somethin' like that. I'm paraphrasing.
CICERO: DAAAaarkNUSSss RIZZees when SIIiilEENCE DAAAIiis?!
AARON: YEAH, it was somethin' like that! I don't remember!
Astrid!
ASTRID [with her boss lady voice]: BY SITHIS, THIS ENDS NOW!
AARON: It *was* her playing the prank! Look it--She just *pops* right out at the end, yeah right!
ASTRID, THAT WAS A GOOD JOKE! YER FUNNY!
I'm playing a little trick on Astrid to get her back for doing this to me.
EMRE: OOoooh, what're ya gonna do?
AARON: Well. This is the trick. I'm telling her that this--whatever this Night Mother is--I'm saying that, it spoke to me.
ASTRID: AND?
What did she say??
AARON [entirely innocuous]: She said, uhm, that I was supposed to find Astrid and that Astrid would help meee with...some sex.
OH! And, she said that I must speak to someone named Amaund Motierre in Volunruud.
But, you know, the *first* thing she said was that I need...
Astrid to lick youuu....in your privates.
EMRE: This has been the longest and most painful courting process I've ever experienced.
I'm really impressed that you're able to keep going with this.
AARON: Okay--
EMRE: I would have given up a long time ago.
AARON [ever in denial]: Okay, well, here's the thing. It's not a 'courting process'.
Um, I am a *pimp*.
And ultimately, my GOAL is to *dominate* Astrid and make her my *hoe*.
And then, sell her out to...you know, Bjorgalormz ooor whoever wants her.
EMRE: Yeaaah. You keep telling yourself that, buddy.
AARON: Hey, man! Whatcha drinkin'? WASSUP DUDE?
NAZIR: As it's turned out, I've got two new contracts...
AARON [entirely uninterested]: Ahh, that's good. Why can't *you* do these?
Tell me the story about HHHERN.
NAZIR: He's a vampire.
AARON: A vampire?
What if I accidentally fall in love with the vampire and we go out in the sun and he *SPARKLES*?
Tell me about Lubrrgk--[GAGS]. Excuse me, I just about vomited.
NAZIR: He is, by all accounts, the WORST bard in ALL of Skyrim.
EMRE: The WORST bard? He's like the Justin Bieber of Skyrim.
AARON: Oh, that's cool! Imma love killin' him!
I wish I could run up behind Justin Bieber, pickpocket his clothes off of 'em, and then stab 'em in the ass.
That's...
That's what I'd like to do.
EMRE: That's what *most* women want.
AARON: Oh! He's in Morthal. I don't think I've ever been to Morthal.
EMRE: OOOOO! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO PAY A VISIT TO BJORRRRLAAAM!!
AARON: OOOOOOoooooh, biiitchesss!
BJORLAM: Need a ride?
AARON: YEAAAAAH, BABEH! I NEED A RIIIIDE!
Bjorlam, you're kinda hot...
I never really noticed it before...
[BJORLAM desperately tries to keep things professional]
BJORLAM: My carriage is the safest way to travel...
AARON: Let's get up here, close and personal. Want to?
BJORLAM! You are a *maaaaan*!
YEEEEHEEHEHEAAAHH!
I like it!
BJORLAM:...Yes?
AARON: He doesn't have anything!
EMRE: Nothing?!
AARON: Just ALL man. And, you can't pickpocket *that*.
♫
AARON [singing, again]: ♫ Dennis MOOoore, Dennis MOOOree riding through the SNOooow ♫
♫ Dennis MOOoore, Dennis MOOoore lookin' for a hoeeee ♫
♫ He riiiides like a PPPiimp, Heeeee liiikes...to be a GIiiimp...♫
♫ Mister MOOooore, Miiister Mooore....Monty Python reeefereeence...♫
EMRE [with no patience for Monty Python]: OHMYGAWD. Just go in that fucking building and kill Justin Bieber already!
AARON [grumbling]: Alright, alright, alright, rightrightrightright--
LUUURBUkkk?
Hey, buddy! Aw! Dude!
What happened to your clothes??
That's just *weird*...
LURBUK [with a wretched tune]: IM IN DAH MOOOODDDD TEW SIIIIIIIIIIiiingggg!
AARON: Ooooh, my Gaaawhd...
No wonder they want this guy dead.
Well, you know what? Lurbuk?
I'm in the mood to MUUUURDDEEeeeer YYOOOUuuu!!
I'm getting pretty good at this.
Alright, whatever. I left my nightshade. I am *done*.
Nirnroot! Nirnroot alert!
AARON [embracing his inner bee]: BBBZZZZZ!!
Chicken! Chicken alert!
EMRE: DON'T DO IT!
AARON: Yeah, I know--
EMRE: DON'T DO IT, MAN!
AARON [laughing at his past follies]: Y-Yeah, I know what happens when you kill the chicken!
I know better than to do *THAT*!
Whole village gets in a fuckin' uproar and everyone murders everyone.
EMRE: Chickens are the *glue* that holds society together.
AARON: APPARENTLY.
♫
[AARON pleasantly humming to himself]
Oh, what's this?
Chopping some wood, are we?
Hellooooo?
OH, look out for that chicken! HOLYSHIT. Landmine!
EMRE: DUDE! You almost ran over that thing.
AARON: Landmine!
I wonder if I could kill chickens here and nobody would notice...?
EMRE: Give it a shot, dude. Might be your only chance.
AARON [tempting fate yet again]: HEY! HEY, YOU! YEAH, YOU!
No--I'm talking to *you*!
FUCK YOU! HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!
EMRE: OHHOO, maaaaan...
I think you got away with it...
AARON: I don't see anybody...
EMRE: Sweeeet.
AARON: Awww, I don't wanna kill him in front of his wife. That would be kinda TRAUmatic.
EMRE AN ACTUAL PSYCHOPATH: You know what you should do? Kill his wife in front of *him*.
That's even better.
AARON: And then, kill *him*.
EMRE: YEAAAh!
AARON: Alright.
AARON: Hey! Hert! That's weeiird. Your clothes just *disappeared*! Ha! Ha! Ha!
[HERT lets out one last, nagging whine before perishing with a surprised HERN]
[The Giggling Glee of Murderers]
AARON: Hern was like, 'Awhh maaaahn!'
So, I've become like this...horrible, horrible person.
I, I steal people's clothes off their backs while they're eating their dinner...
And then I stab 'em, and kill 'em.
EMRE: This is what love does to a man.
Slash woman.
♫
AARON [with shock]: L-LURBUK IZ DEAD!
[unfeeling] Lurbuk is deaaad...
[quickly] LURBUKIZDEAD.
Trying out different ways that I could report that to Nazir.
EMRE [as a game show host]: LUUUUURBUUUUK ISSSS DEAAAAAAAAD!
AARON: That's--That's how I would have said it. That's good.
Okay. Let's try, 'Hern is dead'.
EMRE FROM THE PRICE IS RIGHT: HEEEEEEERRRRRN IS DEAAAAAAAADD!
AARON: COME ONNNN DOWWWWWN!
Okay. So, is this what I gotta do next?
Speak with Amaund Motierre?
EMRE: Yeah.
This is all just part of Astrid's, you know, elaborate hoax...playing on you.
This started with her telling you to go in the Night Mother's coffin and now, you know Night Mother said go talk to Amaund
You just gotta play along with it, you know? Women like to play *games* like this.
AARON: Yeah, I mean, this is *reaaaally* like the longest *game* I've ever played...
EMRE: It'll be worth it. It'll be *worth it*.
Just look at that. *THIS* is what you're going for, man.
AARON: Is this really all gonna be worth it, Astrid?
How much longer do I have to keep up with the--
ASTRID: Sister??
AARON: ...*pretense*?
OKAY. She's REALLY...She's really being cruel now.
AARON [with contempt]: 'SISTER'.
ASTRID: Need something?
AARON [steadily becoming more agitated]: SISTERRR.
'YEW need something SISTeerrr??'
'Yer mah SISTERRRR. I would NEEEVERRR, evEERR touch yer body and caress yer CUUURVESS...'
'And lick yer...'
'...CHEST!'
AARON [using EMRE as his personal therapist yet again]: Moments with Astrid are just becoming really routine, you know?
It's like I know what she's gonna *do*, and there's never anything FRESH.
Ever since that practical joke, I just feel like things have gotten stale.
EMRE: Do you wanna get some tips on what you should do here?
You need to, you need to *insult* her and bring her down. THAT WAY she'll feel like she wants to impress YOU.
AARON [gullible]: Okay.
EMRE: Instead of the other way around.
AARON: Yeah! So, I should be more *manipulative*...
EMRE: YES.
AARON: AAAaand, like, mean to her.
EMRE: Yeah, absolutely.
AARON: Cool! Is this what's called 'Mind Games'?
EMRE: This is called *LOVE*.
AARON [not as excited]: Oh...
♫
AARON: Okay! So, we're off to Volunruud to speak to Ahh--Almond Moltieeeree.
EMRE: *AMAUND MOTIERRE*. Sounds like a French guy.
You know, you could run with these horses...You don't have to just *walk* everywhere...
AARON [defensively]: I don't--Maybe I don't *WANNA* run! Maybe I like taking my time!
And, I *know* that I can run with them--OBVIOUSLY, I'm not STUPID!
You fuckin'...
EMRE: You didn't know that, you--
AARON: Shit burglar!
EMRE: You WALKED all the way to Hern's house, and you didn't run a SINGLE moment.
AARON: Yeah, well, I like taking my time and I knew how to run--
But, you know, my--FROST is a sensitive horse and needs to be, you know, treated nicely...
EMRE: Slap some Bengay on his legs and RUN.
AARON: My horse is running now, Emre. Are you *pleased*?
Emre, look! My horse is going *so faaast*...
Does this make you *hawt*, Emre?
WADDUP, VOLUNRUUD??
Wass happenin', mah buddies??
You know what's missing from this, uhhh, Volunruud entrance?
EMRE: What?
AARON: Uh, a gourd.
EMRE: MMMMNNYesss. A *guard gourd*.
AARON: Mhm!
AARON: HEEEELLLOOO, ANYBODY HOOOMEE?
HEEELLLOOO???
Excuse me! I'm looking for Amaund Motierre!
[GUTTURAL UNDEAD GROWLS]
Have you seen 'em?
You? Have you seen Amaund Motierre??
Yeah! I am a fuckin' PIMP when I am out fighting people! That's for sure!
When it comes to the ladies, I might be a wussbag--but, check this Draugr out!
I toasted the living *SHIT LIGHTS* outta 'em!
I bet you never toasted no shit lights, Emre.
AARON THE CHAD: HEY!  WASSUP, SCOUUURGE?
HEY!
Ohhh, yeah, dude! Yeah, that's good stuff!
Suck it.
OOOhMAHGawhhd--What the Hell is happening?
AARON [normal, no longer a Chad]: Oh, shit, maybe I should put my armor on, huh?
LYDIA THE CONDESCENDING: I ammm SWWooORRnn to CAAArrry yERR BUURDEnns...
AARON: Sometimes the sarcasm of Lydia is kinda comforting.
You know, when you're in a scary dungeon. There's nobody else around...
EMRE: And, she's crackin' wise.
AARON: And she says like, [meekly] 'I guess I'll carry your burdens for yaaa...'
[FART NOISE]
And then,  she like let's one fly and you have a good laugh.
In the middle of this, like, dungeon.
Dude, what are you doing down here?
AMAUND MOTIERRE: By the Almighty Divines, you've come!
AARON: SERIOUSLY, what the FUCK are you doing down here?
AMAUND: I dare say, the work I'm offering has more significance than anything your organization--
AARON [unimpressed]: Yeah, yeah. Everyone thinks they're a fuckin' big man when they're hanging out, down in a dungeon.
AMAUND: For I seek the assassination of........THE EMPEROR.
EMRE: He wants you to kill.........[as Palpatine] THE EMPERORRRR.
AARON [not paying attention, as usual]: What's in the uuuuuuuuuurn...
I just 'EARNED' 11 gold!
HA HA HA HAAAAaaaa...
Oh, God...
It's statements like that, that make me hate myself.
G T F OOOOOOOOOOO!
GTF...GTFoooo...?
EMRE: Yer stuck!
AARON [trying so hard]: GTF...Ooo...ooo...oh, noooo...
T-There we go!
EMRE: All the 'Burial Urns'. Like, alright. This is Fred's *burial urn*. Put his *favorite* possessions in here.
Well, Fred really liked...2 gold aaaand this his favorite potion of vigorous stamina.
AARON: Is Frost a he or a she? What do you think?
EMRE: I think it's a she. I mean, take a look.
YUPPP. That's a she.
AARON: Yeah, you're right. There's noo...big sack back there, soo...
♫
AARON: Alright! Back to business!
We are here at the Thieve's Guild.
Where there's, uhh, a lot of, uhhhhh...
F-Fun...Folks, and we're gonna go to 'The Ragged Flagon'.
RAGG'D FLAG'N. We're gonna go to the Ragg'd Flag'n.
EMRE: RRRrrraggun Flllaagun.
AARON: Astrid said I should give this thing to, ehh...Smucker's or whatever his name is?
EMRE [slowly, so that AARON can comprehend]: DELVIN. MALLORY.
AARON: That's right.
EMRE: He's got the coolest voice in all of Skyrim. Check this out.
DELVIN MALLORY [with the depth and ruggedness of a Peaky Blinder]: Sumthin' ye need?
An'thin fer de Geuild.
AARON [giving his best Cockney]: Yeh an'thin fer deh GeUild. Eyh need ta give sum'tin.
EMRE: He sounds like Alfred from Batman.
AARON: Hehhh. Yes, he does.
EMRE: Dude. What the HELL is he eating?
Look at that. Like a big, piece of...*wood*.
AARON, GRUDGE HOLDER: He's eating, ummm, an insult that I was called last episode.
It's either a HAM-SHANK...or a Beef Roast.
EMRE: A ham-PLANK.
AARON: Stop talking about Astrid. I don't appreciate...anything you're saying.
W-What was he eating?
A HORKER LOAF!
EMRE: A HORKER LOAF--Never would have guessed that.
AARON: He's gonna HORK that whole loaf.
Lydia...
I think I should just leave Lydia here in this graveyard...
EMRE: Yeah.
AARON: What do ya think?
EMRE: Nobody would--She'd blend right in! They'd just think she's some--
AARON: Yeah!
EMRE: Like some hideous gargoyle who guards the, uh, graveyard.
♫
AARON: If Astrid isn't *nice* to me, I think it's about time she gets the dagger...
EMRE: *The dagger*?
AARON: YEAH.
EMRE: The dagger to the butt?
AARON: RIGHT.
And, I don't mean in a *good way*.
I'll give her the dagger to the butt in a *good way*, if  she's nice to me.
ASTRID: Elder Council??
AARON [growing bored]: Business. Business. Business.
EMRE: Blah, blah, blah, blah...
AARON: Look at her mouth! It's just like, 'BUUUSSINESSS, BUSINESSSS...'
ASTRID, BUSINESS WOMAN: ...Motierre, you naaaughty, nauuughty boy....
AARON: WHAT!
Hahoohh, yeaaah....
Y-Yeah, yeah! Say NAUGHTY again!
[ASTRID continues to be unaware of her own sexiness]
AARON: What?
ASTRID [going on and on about business, sexy business]: .....DEELICIOUUSSS--
AARON: Yeah! Delicious!
OhMahGod. I'm just treasuring this...every word that she's saying right now...
EMRE: If only she was talking about *you*.
ASTRID: I hope you have something *nice* to wear?
Because you're going to a wedding.
AARON: HOLY SHIT! A WEDDING?! What are you *SUGGESTING*, Astrid?
ASTRID: Weeell, more like the public reception...
AARON [let down, again]: Ughh...
God. She just loves toying with me.
ASTRID: You've got to kill the bride. *At her wedding*.
AARON: ...Killing someone at their own wedding?
Astrid, can you come to the wedding with me?
You could be my guest? It says...uhh, assassin + one?
Oh, God! Astrid! Oh, shit! Astrid's got a bald spot! OhMahGAAAAhhhd...
[AARON and EMRE express their utmost disgust at female pattern baldness]
AARON: Oh, my GAHD, Astrid....
EMRE: Finally able to get *inside* of her head...
AARON [cracking under the weight of EMRE's joke]: Yeaahaha, but I don't like it--OOOOHMYGODdddd!
EMRE: According to that person on our post, you should be able to steal her clothes.
If youuu...get behind her, and she can't see you.
AARON: Oh. She can't see me, right?
EMRE: Yeah.
AARON: Imma steal Astrid's cloooooooooooooooothes....
EMRE: AH! WHAT?!
AARON: I have a hundred pickpocket. What's going on here? She can't see me. She doesn't know I'm there...
That is just...*sick*.
EMRE: We've been *LIED* to!
AARON: WASSUP??
ARNBJORN: Whatdya want, Beef Roast?
AARON: Oh, a BEEF ROAST, huh? Hello...fffuck...stilts!
Hey there! Douchebag-Butthole-Buttcrack-Fucknut!
YEAAAH. How do you like *my* name for you??
What's up? Niiiiipples...s....Stamp?
ARNBJORN [entirely unaffected]:...nickname's Morsel. I'm a *WEREWOLF*.
Hard not to think of you as a *SNACK*.
AARON: Yeah, well, I'm a *WEREWOLF* too. ArnBEjOrn.
Check this shit out.
BEAAAST FOOORRRM!
I should turn into the beast and just rip his f-fuckin' hair all out...
AARON [still triggered by bullying]: Heyyyy there, muhh...f-fuck buckles?
EMRE [as impressed as Arnbjorn]: Fuck Buckles probably hit home pretty hard.
AARON: YEAH. And so did Douchebag-Butthole-Buttcrack-Fucknut.
I think that's a good one for him. I'm gonna call him that from now on.
AARON [quick to fuck up]: See ya later, Douchebag-Butthole-B-Buttfuc--mnFFfuck-Nut.
I'm getting outta here. I hate it here.
I hate this place! Astrid! If you and I ever, ever get hitched--
We're getting the FUCK outta here, because I fuckin' hate it here.
ASTRID: Shouldn't you be OUT ruining--
AARON: I'M LEAVING. RIGHT NOW. YOU SHUDDUP!
♫
AARON: Right now, our plan is to put out a Skyrim video every Tuesday. So, uh, keep your eyes peeled on Tuesdays.
Unless we run into technical glitches, which has happened on occasion...
Emre's had to convert shit for like three days in order to get it to work.
So, we really--We put in literally days on each of these videos. And, I'm not being sarcastic.
No, I'm not. I'm being, I'm serious. We put a lot of time into this shit.
And, we enjoy it. So that's why we do it.
And, we hope that you enjoy it too!
EMRE: YEAH! Share it with your friends. Post it on your favorite internet...sites.
AARON: YES, PLEASE DO! Spread the word! And the more folks that watch it, the more episodes we'll be able to make--and the quicker!
AARON: HEY, UH! I just wanted to say, UHHH, congratulations on your wedding! And, uhh, ya know, I'm happy to be a guest here...
Ummm, I hope you're not off-put by the fact that I look like a Demon Lord from the Seventh Level of Hell.
Um. This is just, uhh. You know. This is my normal gear. So...
That cool?
And, I also have *THESE*. But, I'm not gonna do anything with 'em.
Is that cool? I like to carry them around. They look cool. That's all.
They're just for SHOW!
I think we should see how many different ways we can kill her...
AAAnd, *NOT* get away with it.
Until we find one that surprises us.
[EMRE laughs, but is intrigued]
EMRE: *Surprises us*...?
AARON: HEY, EVERYBODY! HAVIN' A GOOD TIME??
EMRE: They look pretty bored, actually.
AARON: Yeah. They do look pretty bored...
I'mma livin' things up a little bit.
[CRIES OF TERROR FROM THE INNOCENT]
EMRE: Look down! Quick!
OOOh, you totally got her.
AARON: Ehhh, seems like everyone's kinda pissed...
HAI, HAHAHA! BYE!
Just relax.
[A quick shout of the Ice Form, IIZ SLEN!]
There ya go! Ohhh, look it! A buncha ice sculptures are chasin' me.
EMRE: So, you fucked this up...
AARON: Yeaaah, I'm gonna have to do it over.
[BLOOPER BLIP]
AARON: Alright, well, here. Let's try a different method. Shall we?
EMRE [humoring him]: Okay.
AARON:...Since we gotta redo it anyway.
RANDOM GUEST: Be careful!
[SADISTIC CACKLING]
AARON: That was funny...
Alright, I did it. Let's go.
EMRE: Dude, I think--I think they saw you.
AARON: Oh, SHIT. Okay. Well. Let's try it again.
HM. What happened to your wedding dress?
OH!
THERE IT IS! How did THAT happen?!
VITTORIA VICI: My husband, Asgeir, and I thank you for coming to our reception.
AARON: AWWWW, that's really nice.
VITTORIA: These days, it's--
[SHOCKED CRIES FROM THE AUDIENCE]
[EMRE laughs like Jim Carrey's The Grinch
AARON: OOhhh. Just lay off, you guys! GAAhhd. What is your problem?
EMRE: Alright, we gotta do one more take where you do the werewolf...because you've gotten a bounty *every. time.*
And, you can't POSSIBLY be this BAD at the GAME, AARON! You need to be better--
AARON: Shuddup! Don't you insult my game-playing skills!
*I'M* doing this for entertainment! If I was playing *for real*, I wouldn't be talking and I would do, I'd be so good--
Y-You...You'd blow a LOAD all over yourself.
EMRE [doubtful]: Well. I wanna blow a load all over myself. So, PLEASE, show me.
AARON: I don't want that to happen--SO, I'm definitely not gonna *provoke it*.
HEY, UHhhh, guys--UHMM, as the...uhhh, coolest wedding guest here...
I just wanted to congratulate you on your marriage aaand I also wanted to...
[THE MONSTROUS GRUNTS N GROWLS OF A BEAST UNLEASHED!]
Don't be alarmed. This is, um, my wedding gift to you. I'm just gonna--
[AARON and EMRE love to claw a half-naked woman to death]
AARON: WOOOOW! WELL! I think that was the most successful way to do this!
I'm fuckin' outta here!
Oh, my God. That was awesome.
EMRE: Still got the bounty...didn't you realize that?
AARON: WHY?
EMRE [growing impatient]: Because they SAW you TRANSFORM.
They know it was YOU.
AARON [slowly putting it together now]: OOOhh...
[WHITE WEDDING MASSACRE, TAKE 3]
EMRE: So, the trick here is...to turn into a werewolf--
AARON: Where no one can see me.
EMRE: Where no one can see you. Yes.
AARON: There's a dead alley back here that's just the place.
It's just the *thing*.
EMRE: EWwww, hair grows outta your buttcrack...
AARON: Oh, that's weird...
AARON: Nobody noticed that one.
EMRE: Where'd they go?!
AARON: Thereee she is!
[MORE SOUNDS OF DEATH AND DYING]
[THE BOYS cackle with sadistic glee]
AARON: I went above and beyond the call of duty there, I think.
I *fed* on the bride.
Okay. I gotta head out, everybody! It was nice, uh, seein' ya but--
EMRE [genuinely surprised at AARON's last minute competence]: Well, that worked!
AARON: That was the best--THE BEST way to assassinate the bride. I assassinated the bride like a fuckin' PIMP.
...Wolf.
AARON [singing to the tune of 'Here Comes the Bride']: ♪ I aaaate the BRIIIDee, AAALLL dressed in whIIItee--♪
Actually, *I* was all dressed in white.
♪ DOO doo daDOO DOooo IIiii ate the BRIIIddeee ♪
EMRE: WELL. I'd say everything went better than expected.
AARON: That was wonderful.
AARON [feigning shock]: OHMYGOD, WHAT HAPPENED???
OOOh, this is AWFUL! Look at this!
And, *you people* are just SITTING HERE?!
You don't even care!
Man, they should at least memorialize her a little bit. Tell ya what! IIIII'm gonna do it *for* them...
I'm just gonna leave a *flower*.
THERE.
That's nice, ya know? A little flower. You people should have some flowers around her or something!
That's *embarrassing*.
Your wife's dead!
ASGEIR SNOW-SHOD: Mah wife iz dead. DEAD!
[AARON cannot contain himself]
AARON: But, you're just gonna hang out here, right?
That's cool. Alright.
We gotta find somewhere for *you*...
[THE MYSTERIOUS ENTITY KNOWN AS ADAM FINDS GREAT JOY IN THE ABUSE OF A CORPSE]
[AARON continues to try and sing 'Here Comes the Bride' but crumbles under his own laughter]
AARON: DOOoooodoo DAAdooooo! DOOOOdooo DAAAAdodoooooo!
AARON: HEY, LOOK! She's FIIIINE!
We're just gonna sit her--
ASGEIR: Mah wife iz--
AARON: Dooown...
ASGEIR: Dead! DEAD!!
AARON: No, she's fine. She's fine. Here.
Okay.
There you go.
AARON: This is the best thing, I've ever done in a game. Ever.
[ASGEIR keeps blabbing on about his dead ass wife]
AARON: SHE IS! Like, why is she sitting next to you still??
You are a *fucked up* man!
ASGEIR: Mah wife iz dead. DEAD!
AARON and EMRE [chanting in unison with ASGEIR]: MAH WIFE IZ DEAD. DEAD!!
[AARON and EMRE beat-box to ASGEIR's pain] ♪ MAH WIFE IZ DEADDD, DEAD! ♪
AARON: It's the Asgeir Snow-Shod remix!
Here's your wife...
She wants you, still. She really loves you, still.
Isn't it--OHMYGODDD. Oh, my GOD! You are a *DISGUSTING* man! What are you *DOING* with your wife's...corpse?!
Solitude is the most fucked up place I've ever been to.
I'm gettin' outta here!
This place is fucked up, man!
Woowww. Did ya see that?
KAYD: What's goin' on??
[AARON and EMRE laugh in the face of childhood innocence]
♫
AARON: Alright. I gotta report back to Astrid.
I'm gonna--*She* is gonna love this story.
Wait 'til I tell her what happened.
EMRE: Oooh, she's gonna get a kick outta this. Considering what she finds out.
AARON: I am gonna rub meat all over Astrid's face while I tell her this story, and we're gonna have a good time.
ASTRID [with great delight]: Vittoria Vici, the Emperor's cousin, *butchered* at her OWN wedding.
AARON [so proud]: Oh, yeah! EATEN, in fact!
And then sat back on the chair, displayed next to her husband.
And then *moved* over to look like she was sucking her husband's dick *after* she was dead.
Did you hear about *THAT*?
Cuz that's what happened.
ASTRID: Now then...
AARON: Yeah?
ASTRID: Time to proceed to the next stage of the plan...
AARON: Okay.
ASTRID: Go and speak with Gabriella. She's been helping me arrange your next contract.
AARON: I'm down with that.
Gabriella, it's kinda dark here. Can we go somewhere, where it's brighter, and talk?
Can you get up...?
Get up.
Get up.
...Fuck it.
Gotta have good lighting for these video shoots.
NOOOOW, we can talk...Hi, Gabriella.
GABRIELLA: *YOU* are to slay the Commander's son, Gaius Maro.
AARON: Mhm?
AARON: I understand. Gaius Maro will--Awwwwhh, it got dark again.
Gabriella, you're just *dull*. At least Astrid invokes some sort of emotion in me. Like anger, jealousy orrrr...boners.
EMRE: So, through that snore-fest, I was still able to learn that you're supposed to kill this guy and he's going to be traveling to like, every city.
But there is *one place* you gotta go to, to pick up a schedule.
AARON:...I got to go pick up his *SCHEDULE*?
EMRE: Yeah, so that you know where he's gonna go.
AARON [annoyed already]: OHmahgaWHD...
Assassinations have suddenly become full of too much paperwork...
'Go pick up his schedule. Sign some forms in triplicate...'
'And, you have to report to *another* boring asshole...'
'...Who's gonna make you sign some *more* things...'
'And, uhm, then you'll have to travel over to the bank and withdraw some money...'
'Uhmm, then you're gonna need to buy more, uhm, ink for your form signing pen...'
'Then you're gonna cut your balls off and kill yourself.'
AARON: LOOK! It's the 'Demon Horse'!
YAAAY! I finally got the 'Demon Horse'!  We're dooooone!
EMRE: YEAAAAAA--
AARON: EYYYYY!!
EMRE THE BUZZKILL: No, we're not.
♫
AARON: Hey. What's goin' on? What're you lookin' at?
What's goin' on, HorgER?
What's goin' on, HorgER?
[DRACONIC SCREECHING]
AARON: Oh, shit. There we go.
We got some trouble.
EMRE: Make it *DOUBLE*.
AARON [doesn't know what a Pokemon is]: ...What.
Horse! You gotta go--You gotta run. Run, Horse!
EMRE: OOOOOHHH!!
AARON: HORSE! GET OUTTA THERE, MAN!
Horse!  DUDE. What are you *doing*?
Don't *stand* right where the dragon can *see you*. You DIPSHIT.
EMRE: Horse has NO survival instincts.
AARON: I'm gonna hide under this balcony...
Yeah. You can just get my horse. That's fine.
Alright! So, we got Sack Nibbler and Sock Nibbler.
EMRE:...Sack and SOCK?
AARON: Y-Yeah, they're brother and sister.
AARON [unaware of his surroundings]: Sack is the brother--
EMRE: GET DOOWWWWWWWN!!
AARON: Oh! Oh, GODDAMANIT! Oh! Oh, SHIT!
Oh, shit...
I guess there was a dragon that attacked me...
I'm just gonna have to buy another horse.
EMRE: Yeah. Just accept that fact.
AARON: OOOh, God. Oh, Jesus. Horse. Look at you go...
[EMRE giggles over AARON's disappointment and pain]
AARON: He gets frosted, then he gets *burned*. What a *dolt*.
So,  where is this dude? Did he get killed yet?
EMRE: You should go find his body after all of this is over.
AARON: Can I go steal his travel schedule while these dragons are laying waste to the village?
UHHH, excuse me. There are dragons outside. What are you doing in here?
Did you *not* want the village to get saved?
Where's these documents...
Ohhh, Jesus. They're right in front of you. Hey! Can you go somewhere else for a little bit?
Dude! Look! You want some bread?! HEY! GOOOOO get IT!
PENITUS OCULATUS AGENT: I'm fairly certain you've wandered into the wrong building, friend...
AARON: Gaius' Mazuma's schedule--You are to adhere to the following schedule:
Morndas, Soltud, Preh's Towah. Morndahs evenin', bloobdiblee, dahdooodardareee...
EMRE: Bam.
AARON: Alright! Maybe those dragons are gone now.
Oh-ho-ho, mah GAaahd.
Hey, wait--That guy's still alive?
[DRACONIC REEEEEEEEEEEE'ing]
AARON: Oh, Jesus! Oh, my God.
OH! He just *landed* on Gaius! Kill Gaius!
EMRE: RUN AWAAAAY!
AARON: No, no! KILL GAIUS!
EMRE: NOOOOOOOooooo~~!
AARON: NOT ME! GodDAMNit!
[breathlessly] Holy shit...
EMRE: You should not let that thing breathe fire on you anymore.
AARON [sarcastically]: REALLY? Is *THAT* what you recommend?
DR. EMRE: That's my diagnosis.
AARON: I, I have some advice for you.
EMRE: Yeah?
AARON: Shut the fuck up.
Okay! Stay there!
OOOOHGOD!
[EMRE giggles over AARON's continued suffering]
AARON: Why does he like to breathe FIRE on me so much??
EMRE: Because it HURTS so fucking much!
OOOOOOoooh, one more bite and you're done...
AARON: No way. I'm fine. I'm alright. It's okay. Check me out. Look it. I'm the best.
HEY.
Dude that I'm supposed to assassinate, why don't you...HELP out? With this situation?
He's just calmly walking away--It's like in a movie after there's a giant explosion, that he just set off?
He's just *calmly* walking away.
He does *not* give a shit.
Yeah! Fuck you, Sack Nibbler! You *STUPID SLUT*!
EMRE: Wow.
AARON: That dragon really pissed me off. That was the toughest dragon I've ever fought.
HEY!
HEY, YOU!
Did you see me kill that dragon??
That was pretty cool, right?
GAIUS MARO: Keep BACK, Citizen. I have important business I must attend to!
AARON: Yeah, me too! It's called ABSSOOOrrbBIING a dragon SOUUUL!
Right in *FRONT* of your *FACE*, you piece of shit!
GAIUS [who doesn't care about dragon souls]: Keep BACK, Citizen. I have important business I must attend to!
AARON: Fuuuuck youu...
Can I just kill him right here?
He's away from the village...
EMRE: You *can*, but you won't gain a bonus.
AARON: Oh, Jesus. Where do I  have to kill him to get the bonus?
EMRE: Inside of a city.
AARON: WHAT?
EMRE: Yup.
CLINTON LYLVIEVE: I never would have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes!
AARON: Yeah, you know what I don't believe? Your name is *CLINTON*.
Fuckin', *CLINTON LYLVIEVE*. OhmahGAWD.
You must just get your ass raped at school.
HOOOooly shit.
BIG BULLY AARON: 'Heeeeey, Clinton Lylviiiieve! How's it goin', Clinton Ole Clitty?? Cliiinty?'
'Clinty Lilly? LILLY?'
I bet your nickname is Lilly.
What a TERRIBLE name.
Why did your parents name you this?
You know what? I'm gonna make it a policy from here on out to kill anyone named *Clinton*.
EMRE: Alright.
AARON: In this game.
AARON: Oh, SHIT! Those dragons killed these chickens!
Oh, my God! This village must be really upset!
L-Look! AZZADA--OH, my GOD! No wonder Clinton got named fucking Clinton. His father's name is *ten times* worse...AzzADAH.
OhMyGaaahd. I feel--You know what? I don't feel sorry for him. He's better off dead.
With a name like Azzada?
EMRE: So is Clinton, actually--
AARON: Clinton *wishes* he was dead.
Did you see what happened to that chicken, OLDA?
AARON [barely able to contain his laughter]: They--There was, It was a short day at work that day. At the Skyrim, uhh, offices.
And they were just like, 'Can't think of a name for this woman? WELL. She's kinda--She looks kinda old? UHHHh, O-Olda??'
They're like, 'Ohhooo! Okay! Sounds good! We're done! Let's go home!'
EMRE: OLDAH. HaHAhaHAaaa~
AARON: Wow.
AARON: HOOOOORSE!!
YES! Look at that! Horse is standing there like some sort of HERO.
EMRE: It's all picturesque and stuff.
AARON: Yer a hero, Horse!
You lived!
EMRE: Maybe the horse killed the Frost Dragon--
AARON: YEAH, what happened to Frost Dragon??
HORSE killed Frost Dragon. I know it.
I don't need the 'Demon Horse'.
*THIS* is the best horse, ever. He killed a dragon, for sure.
♫
AARON: OH, shit, LOOK! It's Filthy Face!
Come back here!
GodDAMN, Silda! You're so UGLY!
Y-Yeah, is that why you run around all the time? OHMYGOD--Look at your *FACE*.
EMRE: EEHHHEWWWWWWWWWWW--
AARON: It looks like your face is decomposing while you're *ALIVE*.
YOOOuuuuu are a sick, little monkey!
EMRE [wishing for things he shouldn't]: I wonder what she looks like without those dirty old rags...
AARON: NO. You *DON'T* wonder that.
Okay, I'm gonna do that--but, I'm doing it under protest! Here we go...
Ohmygahd...
EMRE: EWWWHOOOHOOOOOooo...
AARON: I hope you're *fucking* happy.
EMRE: Ooooh, JEEEZE.
AARON: Oh, God...
EMRE:...She actually looks fine.
AARON: WELL--
EMRE: Her body is...Her body is fine.
AARON: She's in really good shape, actually.
EMRE: She runs around. Everywhere.
AARON [full of regret]: Okay, but see...The problem is now...She's gonna be like this *FOREVER*.
With the same grayyy, like, baseball glove face...
And fuckin', like, you know...trim body.
AARON [speaking of his own kinks]: And, you just *take this*. You love it, don't you? You *LOVE* it when I come and tell you this.
She is...She is, She loves abuse. [sniffs the sweet musk of abuse]
EMRE: It's the most human interaction she gets--IS THAT LUKE SKYWALKER???
[IT IS LUKE SKYWALKER]
AARON: SILDA! It's Luke Skywalker behind you!
SILDA! You fuckin' shitty-faced weirdo!
EMRE: Ehh, this is gross. It's making me wanna vomit...
AARON: Ah, God...I feel kinda sick...
EMRE: EWww...
AARON: Ohhhgh...UGhhhhh, ohhh, Gawhd! I'm gonna vomit! OOOhhh--
[IIZ SLEN!!]
AARON: Whoops! Oh, shit! Sorry, Silda!
EMRE: Oooh, no.
AARON: Oh! Okay. I got to get back to my mission here.
KEEP BACK, GAIUS! I HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO ATTEND TO!
You should probably get back from me!
GAIUS: WAHTTT? FILTHY ASSASSIN! We'll see who lies DEAD!
AARON: Oh, I don't think so...
OHH!
OHH, AHH--OOooooh, look it! Guaaards! OOOooooH!
OOHHH, ohhhh! Look at what he's doing! Ouch!
Heeeeelp...
Dude! Dude, this guy's attacking me! Help!
OOOOWWW! AHHHWWOOW!
Anybody?! The guard just *ran away*!
EMRE: I guess you gotta defend yourself.
AARON: SILDA!
HEHEHEHELP! HEEELP!
Wipe some of that shit on your face on him! That'll kill 'em!
Cooome on!
DUDE!
He's attacking me! HELP!
Okay. Well. I have no choice. I have to defend myself.
Uhhh, anybody? No? Alright.
They're just gonna let us have our little fight.
EMRE: YEAAAAAAH!!
AARON: Ya like that?
EMRE: WHOAAAH.
AARON: I know what I'm doin'.
Don't criticize *me*.
WINDHELM GUARD: The cousin of the Emperor was *MURDERED* in Solitude at her own damn wedding! Not a *CHANCE* we would have let that happen here...
AARON:...Yeah, you wouldn't let a murder happen here, would ya...
[CUE MANIC LAUGHTER]
♫
AARON: Okay, so, I have to report back to *Gabriella*.
Things are startin' to take a turn for the fuckin' depressing.
EMRE: Yeah, because you're not even *reporting* back to Astrid.
AARON: YEAH. I mean, if it's not 'report back to Astrid'? I'm just like, I don't even care...
EMRE: Well, why don't we just say that if this isss...not gonna get you the horse, then you might as well just give up.
AARON: I totally agree.
EMRE: Yeah, this whole thing--You know, it started OFF as just an innocent quest to find this 'Demon Horse'...
And then it turned into like this *weird*, love triangle--LOVE HATE triangle--with you and Astrid and Abbajorn.
AARON: Werewolf murdering, and replacing dead bodies--
EMRE: Just *spiraled* down into heads being chopped off and like, naked orgies in the middle of cities...
AARON: YEAH. It's really...It's good *too far*.
GABRIELLA: Ahh, at last...I've been anxiously awaiting your return.
AARON: Oohh, I've really *not* been awaiting my return...
GABRIELLA: But, you should know that we have a more pressing matter to--
AARON [gasping]: TAAAALK to AAASTRIIID?
GABRIELLA:...Cicero...There's been an *incident*. You should proceed into the Sanctuary. I'll let Astrid explain...
AARON: That is SO awesome. I will DEFINITELY--I just wanna hug you right now. Thank you! Thank you *so much* for letting Astrid explain all this!
AARON [giddy with anticipation]: OH HO HOOOO--
EMRE: She did say there was an incident with Cicero, though...
AARON: GREAT. W-Wait a minute. What are you suggesting?
EMRE: I-I don't know.
AARON: Like, they *kissed* or something?
Veezara, what are you doing??
What's happening...?
What's going on here, people??
VEEZARA: The Jesker's cut *feels* as bad as it looks, I'm afraid.
AARON: The Jesker tried to cut you?
I always knew he was a *scamp*.
ASTRID: The fool went absolutely beserk!
AARON: Mhm.
ASTRID: He WOUNDED Veezara, tried to kill ME and then he FLED!
AARON: OHGODHETRIEDTOKILLYOU??
That fucker's *DEAD*. He's dead in a *SECOND*!
[Somewhere Nazir is blabbing on about the Dark Brotherhood]
AARON: Who's talking? What's happening??
EMRE: Sounds like Nazir.
AARON: What?.....Can you repeat that?
ASTRID: LOOK. We've got to 'deal' with this situation...
AARON [suddenly obedient]: Yes, Astrid.
ASTRID: *YOU'VE* got to deal with this situation.
AARON: YESSS, ASTRIDDD.
ASTRID: I want you to find that *miserable, little fool* and end his life.
AARON [getting excited]: I WIIILL!
ASTRID: But, first...find my husband...
AARON:...What.
ASTRID:...Make sure he's alright.
AARON: No!
ASTRID: After the attack,  Arnbjorn flew into a rage. When Cicero left, Arnbjorn went after him. They disappeared, into the wild...
AARON [already concocting a plan]:...Really.
It's no problem, Astrid! Don't you worry about a *thiiing*. Oh, and I'll find your husband, alright!
And, don't worry! I'll *take care* of him!
Ehehheh...ehehhh...EHEHHHHAHAHAAAAAAaaa~!!
...Okay, that was awkward.
UUHmmmm...?
EMRE: You gotta go search Cicero's room.
AARON: Uh, who's room? OH. Freakazoid's room. Where's that?
EMRE [laughing]: Freakazoid!
UGhh...Smells like, liquor and semen...in here.
[ADAM chuckles from the Great Beyond]
AARON: Hoooly shit. I get to talk to Astrid *again*.
EMRE: YEAAAAHH--
AARON: This is too good to be true.
Astrid, I went and *FETCHED* the journal from his room! It's not like you could have just went and grabbed that ahead of time...ahh.ahh.aha...
ASTRID: Have you found something?
AARON: Uh, yeah? I found Cicero's journal. Didn't you *tell* me to do that?
ASTRID: Does it say where he may be headed?
AARON: Fuck if I know. I'm not gonna read it. *You* read it.
ASTRID: The DAWNSTAR Sanctuary...?
AARON: YEEEUP.
ASTRID: Whatever for...?
AARON: Ehhh, their Oracles? Probably?
ASTRID: You'll need to leave. *NOW*.
AARON: WHAAAT?
ASTRID: Every moments counts.
AARON: Goddamnit. I always screw this up...
ASTRID: ...So, I want you to take *my* horse...
His name is *Shadowmere*.
[in slow motion] *HIS NAME IS SHADOWMERE*.
[even slower] *HIS NAAAAME. IIIIZ. SHAAADOWMEEEEERE.*
AARON: Are you *shitting* me?? Okay! She just said *TWO THINGS* that are makin' meeee...very happy right now.
EMRE: What are they?
AARON: NUMBER ONE...
She told me to go find Shadowmere out in the Shadowmeeere...b...bath.
NUMBER TWO...
She wants me to go find her husband and you KNOW what's going to happen when find him...out in the middle of nowhere, where no one's around.
Okay. It was worth AAAAALL the fuckin' bullshit. This is gonna be *awesome*.
♫
EMRE: ALRIGHTALRIGHT--OKAY! Here we go.
AARON: What's happening--
EMRE: This, This is the MOMENT...
The moment we've ALL...
BEEN...
WAITING FOR...
AARON: This is the whole--The WHOLE quest has been leading up to this. You know? I got sidetracked by Astrid.
Astrid's cool. I love her.
I'mma lick her up.
BUT.
*This* was why we set out to do this, in the whooole first place.
[The Sound of Thunderous Hooves Rising from the Depths of HELL]
[LIGHTING CRACKS]
EMRE: Awwwh, that was awesome...
AARON: OHMYGOD. Ooooh, dude, that is awesome!
WOW!
WOOOOWW!
[APPLAUSE]
AARON: Hooolly SHIT, okay! THAT is awesome.
You know what? This was *worth it*.
Look at that when he--Oh, my God. Blink again. Blink again, you *sexy beast*!
Come on. Blink.
Wow...
WOW.
EMRE: Majestic.
AARON: Oh, my God, that's great. Can you imagine me and Astrid riding this horse? Both NUDE?
[EMRE cums]
AARON: BARE BACK?
It'd be like Lady Godiva x's TWO.
HEY! Uhhhh...
You're not required anymore. Um...
[HORSE, betrayed, lets out one final bellow before death]
[EMRE finds horse murder hilarious]
AARON: Oookay, see ya later!
OHMAHGAHD--This horse is FAST! Look at 'em go! He jumps over fuckin' stumps--
EMRE: Yeah.
AARON: This is the best horse, ever.
EMRE: He like runs almost forever. It's crazy.
AARON: Wow.
Wow, and he *matches* my armor.
*THIS* is pimp.
If youuu wanna be a pimp, this is...this is what you're doin' right here.
There is it, Folks.
I am now a PIMP.
[EPIC MUSIC CRESCENDOS]
♫
AARON: Well, I've completed this leg of the mission but it is *not* over.
Arnbjorn. Must DIE.
The Hell is Arnbjorn doin' in Dawnstar anyway?
EMRE:..You weren't paying attention to *anything* Astrid said?
AARON: No. I never pay attention, except I just listen to the, like, way she pronounces words.
And they--it gets me *hard*.
EMRE: Alright, well, I'll get you back up to speed.
AARON: Alright.
EMRE: Basically, Cicero attacked a bunch of people inside the Sanctuary...
He fled to the old, abandoned Sanctuary which is just outside of Dawnstar.
AARON: Mhm?
EMRE: And *that's* where Arnbjorn most likely is.
AARON: Alright, soooo, uh...This is where Arnbjorn is, right? Inside Wind Peek Inn?
EMRE: Noooo, but you should probably ask the Oracle where he is.
AARON: Alright.
EMRE: And, what to do about it.
AARON: I'm gonna find out.
UUUUUHH, Karita? Have you seen Arnbjorn?
I have a feeling you *have*...
I know what's goin' on.
The Oracles and Arnbjorn are totally gettin' it on with each other.
I'm gonna inform Astrid!
Karita: Oh! Did you need something?
AARON: I do! I need something. Um...
I need to talk tooooo...
EMRE: Youuuu need to steal her clothes.
AARON: Is that possible?
EMRE [sing-song]: I don't see why noOOOooooot...
AARON: Oooooh, mah GAWHD. Should I really steal the Oracles' clothes??
Can never put 'em back on agaaaain...
There's no going back...
EMRE: You can BE your OWN Oracle.
AARON: OOoohh, shit...
What have I done?
I've freed the Oracle!
You're *free* now!
OOOOOhhh, yeaaah--Look at me!
*I* am now the Oracles!
I'll never need to come here again.
EMRE: Wow. This has been the best day ever.
AARON: I totally agree.
ARNBJORN! Prepare to DIIIIIE!
He's gonna--You know what? Arnbjorn's gonna *see* that *I* was given the 'Demon Horse' and *he* wasn't...
ASTRID gave *me* the 'Demon Horse'.
ARNBJORN does *not* get the 'Demon Horse'.
EMRE: Yep.
AARON: Who does she like *MORE*??
EMRE [can't let AARON have nice things]: If she liked YOU more,  she wouldn't send YOU out to *save* her husband. She'd send you out to *kill* him.
AARON: What are you suggesting...?
EMRE:...I'm suggesting that youuuu're just gonna be...Astrid's bitch.
AARON: I think that you're--
EMRE: Just like BEFORE.
AARON: You're DELUSIONAL.
You don't really--You don't understand how Astrid WORKS, obviously!
Astrid's not--
EMRE: I think I do. She *family zoned* you, bro.
AARON: No! The reason Astrid sent me out here was to KILL her husband!
Because she WANTS me, but she doesn't feel comfortable getting licked by me if she's still with this guy--
EMRE: OOOOOHH, okaaay. Right. So--
AARON: I'm gonna take *care* of this right now.
ARNBJORN: Shoulda figured Astrid would send you...
AARON: Yeah, 'course she did.
You ready to die, asshole?
Oh! You're hurt, ARnBEEjorn. What are ye doin'?
Ham-Shift?
How's it goin' there, Beef Slippers?
EMRE: HAAA! Take that!
AARON:...Is he dead now?
I just like axed him so much, he's back to normal again.
♫
AARON: HEEEEELLLLOOOOoooo??
I have a special deeeeliiveeeery for, uhh, Cicerooo??
[CICERO's high-pitched squeals can be heard in the distance]
AARON: Oh, my God...is he *naked*?
[Nervous Laughter]
OOOOoooohh, nooo! This is *bad news!
Ciiiiceroooo??
CIIIC--EEROOoooo...
Come out and plAAaaayyaaayayyyyyy...
AARON [muttering to himself]: EERRR...Oh, God. Okay. Shut up...
Check yourself before you wreck yourself, Sanctuary Guardian!
[CICERO babbles incoherently from somewhere]
AARON [sing-song]: NOOooot liiisteniinngg, I can't HEaaarrr YOOuuuu...
CICERO:...Could you at least SLOW DOWN A BIT?!
AARON: How could I hear his voice when he's way down *here*...
EMRE: I dunno. He's using, like, some sort of PA system or something...
AARON: Yeaah, he must have.
Look it what happened now! Seeee--They put out these *TRAPS* and stuff they don't even mean to kill just wanders into 'em!
EMRE: That *poor* goat!
AARON: That was *totally* unnecessary...and they emptied the fucking goat out!
EMRE: Wow.
AARON: And took whatever valuables *he* had.
EMRE: That was somebody's GOAT, too! Like, he has a goat bell tied around his neck.
AARON [so deep]: Well, it's *always* somebody's goat...you know?
That's what's so sad about it.
Sounds like there's somebody angry in here...
UDEFRYKTE?!
...The Hell was that?
EMRE: It was a troll. Udefrykte.
AARON: U-DAH-FRYK-TEH.
This is really weird. It's like somebody is collecting animals down here...
Sorta like a zoo, except they're all *dead*.
Okay. So, um, there's this little game that Fün Tits used to play back in, uhhh, high-school...
It's called 'Skeever Toss'.
So, what you do is...you have to stand, oooh, you know...'bout 12 feet back.
And, whoever can get the Skeever the closet or IN the basket wins.
[GRUNTS]
Ohh, shiit...
EMRE: Uhhhohooo, uhh...Mulligan?
AARON: Ehhhh, I sliced that one.
[MORE AWKWARD GRUNTING]
AARON: OOOOH! That is *not* bad. That's about the best you can expect.
Because actually...
This basket is not big enough.
EMRE [laughing]: No, not nearly big enough.
AARON: We had bigger baskets.
Haven't heard from Cicero in a little while...I wonder if he's, like, takin' a crap or something...
He's like, 'I'M DONE WITH MAH INSANE RAMBLINGS FER A MINUTE! JUST HOLD ONNNN~!'
Emre, can you do Cicero on the toilet? Please?
For the entertainment of all of us?
[EMRE proceeds to emit strange and high-pitched squeals suggesting constipation]
AARON: I actually think he sounds the most *normal* when he's taking a crap.
Wassup, BITCH??
[sounding oddly disappointed] You're not naked!
CICERO: Leeeettt poor Cicero LIIIVE--
AARON: Mmmn, not gonna happen.
CICERO: ...LIIikke the STRUMPEEET,  AHSTREEED...[more barely coherent rambling]
AARON: You, WHAT?
CICERO: AND, I'D DOO EET AGAAAIN!
AARON: What did he do to Astrid??
EMRE: He *attacked* the *strumpet*, Astrid...
AARON: The STRUMPET?!
You don't fucking call Astrid a STRUMPET, you little fffffffUCKER!
I'm gonna fuckin' stick my axe up your fuckin' ass!
...So, what? I just leave him here if I don't wanna kill him?
EMRE: Yeah. If you don't want to kill him, you can just leave him--OR, you could SPLATTER the walls with his blood.
AARON:....Yeaaah. Hey, Cicero?
UHH. I want you to take part in a little experiment.
Let's start...with...WABBAJACK!
EMRE: Whoaaa!
AARON: WHOAHOO! He's PISSED!
Dude, relax! I was just trying to turn you into a *mudcrab*...
EMRE: Before you turned him into a *pissed off* version of himself.
AARON: Yeah, like why is he so upset suddenly?
He was *lying*, wasn't he? He wasn't *really* hurt.
Ehh...
EMRE: Whoooaahh...
AARON: I think I just turned him into the floor.
Ciiiicerooo?
WHATTHEFUCK?!
EMRE: I like this experiment. That was good.
AARON: That was good. I have another staff I would like to try out.
Uhmmmm. Let's try out Hevnoraak's Staff...aaand, just in case, we'll use the ole Staff of Chain Lightning.
Hey, Cicero? The utility office just called, and you didn't pay your *electric biiiill*!
AH HAH HAH HAAAAAAaaaaaa
YEEaaaaah!
Suck it!
OOOHH, yeah!
This is a good performance you're putting on! It's ELECTRIFYING!
OOOOHHH, WHOOPS!
Yeaaaah...
EMRE: Oh, that is cool.
That is *REAAALLY* cool.
Alright! I did my duty. I stripped Cicero naked and electrocuted him to death...aaand, now it's time to head out.
Astrid is gonna be so *pleased*!
♫
AARON: HAI, ASTRID!
ASTRID: Again, you've proven yourself a *BORN* assassin...
AARON: EXACTLY!
ASTRID: Tell you what...
AARON: Yeh?
ASTRID: Why don't you hold on to Shadowmere a while longer?
AARON [a bumbler]: O-Okay! Right, so, uhhhh--What's my next te, tex...text, TASK? What's my next text?
ASTRID: Just *one* more target before we strike out at the Emperor.
AARON: Oh, yeh? Okay.
ASTRID: Have you, by chance, heard of 'The Gourmet'?
AARON: WAIT. So, you want me to dress up like a cook...and pretend to make some...fffoood...
EMRE: For the Emperor.
AARON [still not convinced this isn't bullshit]: ...For the Emperor.
Why can't I just go and smash him??
ASTRID: Until next time, SISTER.
AARON [impatient]: Okay. Look. We don't really look that similar anymore, okay? So stop calling me SISTER.
EMRE: You, uhhh, kind of screwed yourself there, my friend.
AARON [quietly to himself]: Dammit...
[WHIMSICAL HARP FLASHBACK]
AARON: ASTRID, CHECK ME OUT! I LOOK JUST LIKE YOU!
ASTRID, YER MAH SISTER! LOOK!
AND WE'RE BOTH INCREDIBLY LICKABLE!
[WHIMSICAL HARP BACK TO THE FUTURE]
EMRE: Yeah, you shouldn't have ever brought that up. That was a bad move...
You pretty much 'family zoned' yourself, *right there*.
AARON: I, you know...I forgot that I said that.
I-
ASTRID: Sister??
AARON: Yeah, I knooow I said that!
Just...can we *DROP THAT*?? I don't, I don't--
ASTRID: Need something?
AARON: ACTUALLY, YES! I *do* need something!
I *need* you to listen to what I wrote in my journal about you!
Cuz it seems like there's a lot of problems, and I'm just not sure it is *worth* us  continuing this *charade* anymore!
So, here's what I wrote!
AARON [speaking with the poise of an 8th grader reciting his paper to the class]: The Things I Like About Astrid:
She's hawt.
She's got excellent taste in clothes.
A sexy voice.
A good sense of humor, and she's SMART.
Those are all the *good things*.
Things I Do NOT Like About Astrid:
Uncommunicative!
Selfish!
All business, all the time!
Always wants me to MURDER people!
*MARRIED*.
HARD. COLD. MEAN.
Won't let me pickpocket her clothes off her!
Has *WEIIIRD* friends!
Lives in a *CAVE*.
Refuses to get divorced OR have sex with me! Or take things to the next level!
As you can see, the list of things I do NOT like about Astrid is much larger than the list of things I DO like about Astrid.
There you go, Astrid. What do you think about THAT?
ASTRID:..Sister?
[AARON heaves a sigh of defeat]
AARON: Well, I guess that's the answer.
Things are *obviously* not going to change between us. EVER.
You *jerk*!
She's really pissing me off! I, errr, she really needed to listen to me!
She *reaaaally* needed to listen to me...
EMRE: Dude, you should..uh, think TWICE before you do what you're about to do.
AARON: NO! I'm--I'm really upset right now!
And, I think that ssssshhe needs to *know* that!
GODDDAMN YEW, ASTRID!
Put that back on your head! KEEP IT THERE!
GODDAMNIT, LOOK! I KICKED THE BOWL DOWN THE STAIRS NOW BECAUSE OF YOU!!
YOU FUCKIN' *BITCH*!
[AARON dissolves into tearful, banshee-like wails while EMRE makes futile attempts to calm him]  AAAAAHAHHHaaaahhhh!!!!!!
Okay. Alright. I'm fine.
I'm fine...
Everything's okay. It was just--We just had a little *argument*.
[Breathless Mumbling]
AARON: I'm so UPSET, Babbit. Do you *know* Astrid? Do you how she--What she's *like*?? Don't you?
Listen! I just need to discuss s-something--I just need to *talk* to someone about Astrid!
BABETTE: I could brew some potions for you?
AARON: OHOOOOHO! That'll REALLY help!! YEAH, I'll drown my sorrows in some fucking POTIONS!
Thanks a lot, BABBIT!
Goddammit! Everyone around here is a WEIRDO or a DRUNK or a LOSER!
[voice breaking] THEY'RE NOT HELPFUL, AT AAALL!
BABETTE [pushing boundaries]: SIISTERRR...
AARON [suddenly serious]: OKAY. Did *Astrid* tell you to say that?
Did she *fucking*...? E-Everyone's gonna call me sister!
BABETTE: SISTER!
AARON: YEAH!.....Yeah.
HILARIOUS. GOOD ONE. *HILAAAARIOUS*. Yeah! I can take a *joke*!
*I KNOW*. I see how it is around here!
Dude, turn around and talk to me. Ugh. Fuck this, I will *not* talk to you.
FESTUS: Until next time, SISTER!
AARON: Did...*Jesus Christ*. Everyone calls me 'Sister' now...
Get. Off. The Enchanter!
There ya go.
Oh, *shit*. You look so good in this light, Festus.
And kinda sexy.
FESTUS: Quite so.
AARON: Mnnyeah.
AARON [with the voice of an exasperated dope]: SOOO, YEW DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO deh GOURMET IZ? WONDahFOOL.
FESTUS [with something unseen crunching in the background]: Don't be so petulant!
[EMRE continues to laugh, finding true joy in AARON's continued victimization]
AARON: Well, I'm kinda pissed off right now!
[CRUNCHING CONTINUES, LOUDER AND OVERWHELMING]
AARON: O-OH, OKAY! Who is eating breakfast cereal as LOUD as they possibly can?!
I can't even hear what Festus is saying--SHUT UP!
Stop it...
[RUSTLING CONTINUES ON, NOT MINDING AARON'S RABID DEMANDS]
AARON: What is--?!
[CRUNCH CRUNCH, RUSTLE RUSTLE]
AARON [dully]: I can't hear you, Festus. There's a wild animal in your underwear.
AARON [to GABRIELLA]: UHH. We're busy? Over here?
Can you use the *other* enchanter, please??
We're having a CONVERSATION here!!
EMRE: WOW. She just *inserted* herself *right* in-between you two.
AARON: This is why I don't understand why Astrid hangs out with these *IDIOTS*!
I can't do this anymore. Sorry, Festus. I have to get going, I...Okay, let me out.
Get the...Get outta my *fucking* way.
FESTUS THE MOLESTUS: What else could you possibly NEED??
AARON: DON'T! He's trying to trap me here with his boring *fucking* speech! LET ME GO!
GET. THE FUCK. OUT OF MY. WAY!
[FUS RO DAHHHH!!!]
[EMRE cackles over crippling the elderly]
UGGGH! GOD! You're so *stupid*!
You get it? You get it, now?
YEAH. I thought so...
Fuckin' taught *him* a lesson...
EMRE: You know, you should show Nazir and Gabriella what you did.
AARON: You're right! Hey, guys! This is really funny! You guys gotta check out this story. Me and Festus were in the other room...
And, he was boring me to fuckin' *blood tears*...and then, I was just like,
'FESTUS, GET OUTTA MAH WAY!' And, he wouldn't move. He just kept trying to bore the *shit* right outta my asshole.
So then, I was like, 'FUCK YEWWWW, F-FESTUS!' And I was like this...I was like,
[FUUUUUUS RO DAAAAAH!!!]
AARON: Oh! Sorry, Nazir! I didn't actually mean to do that to you.
But, uh, I was just trying to illustrate, you know...the funny joke I played on Festus.
Sorry 'bout that, dude!
I hope you're not pissed--Oh, God! He's so pissed!
He's *really* pissed!
So anyway, guys...It was nice to see you but, um, I need to get going. Soooo, uhhh, anyway...See ya later!
[IIIIIIIZ SLENNN!!!]
AARON: Astrid?
Hey, uh, I'm just headin' out...
ASTRID: Need something?
AARON: Yeah. WELL. Here's the thing. You obviously didn't pay attention to my list *at all*.
And it reaaaally, it really *upset* me.
And, I'm over it now. *I'm over it*.
But, I just wanted to let you know. You know how I *FEEL*?
When I talk to you sometimes?
Well, lemme...Lemme just *illustrate*.
[IIIIIZ SLEN!!!]
EMRE: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHOLY SHIT.
AARON: OHMYGOD...
OOHHH, my God...
EMRE: She is fuckin' ICE. COLD.
AARON: WOW. You are *so* cold that couldn't even freeze you, Astrid!
Well, you know. I'm not surprised.
She resists everything else that I do.
♫
AARON: Alright. What did she want me to do now? Kill an Emperor or some bullshit?
EMRE: You've got to question this dude about who the Gourmet is and then find the Gourmet, *kill em*, and then take his place.
AARON: I have to find the *Gourmet*...?
EMRE: The GOOOurmEEt.
AARON: I'll say one thing about Astrid. She sends me out on some pretty coooool assassinations.
OKAY. So, here I am...and, uh, at the meat market. Eheheh. Know what I mean?
Hey! Hogni! How's it goin'?
HOGNI: HUH?
EMRE: That may be the ugliest man I have ever seen in this game.
AARON: Whyyyy do you look so ugly?
HOGNI: ...Just what you see here.
AARON: Yeaaahahh...ah, I, I don't like what I see, actually.
UGH. God. Okay. Well, I think I'm calmed down from that whole *Astrid debacle*. I...I knew making that list was a *risk*...
But, I just really thought that *MAYBE*...I'd get somethin' from her out of it.
EMRE: Yeah, WELL. That's that, uh...'All business, all the time'.
AARON: Yeah, she is...she is business.
AARON: Have you seen the Gourmet?
[BARK BARK!]
AARON: YEAH??
[BARK BARK!]
AARON: He's in...OH! He's in there?
Okay.
UMMMM.
[BARK!!]
AARON: OH, SHIT! Okay. Well, I'll wait until he's done.
Ah, well, the dog says that he's masturbating but, uhmm..he should be done pretty soon.
Okay. Look's like he's done.
ANTON VIRANE [suspiciously]: Who ARE you? What do you WANT?
AARON: Well, I want to be on this reality show called 'The Gourmet'.
ANTON: T-The...The Gourmet?
AARON: Yeah?
ANTON: NEVER! I'll take the secret of the Gourmet's identity to my *GRAVE*!
AARON [struggling loudly for a one-liner]: I THINK I CAN DO...
....Eh, fuck it.
I'mma, ehh...I don't really like one-liners anyway...so...
EMRE: Yeah, you're...you're good at a lot of things, and one-liners? Not one of those things.
AARON: Yeaah...
ANTON THE SNITCH: His name is Balagog gro-Nolob!
SOOOoOOOooo...
...We're done?
AARON: EHeHeh. Yeah. We're done...
EMRE: BWAH AH AHH AH!
AARON: EHHH! HEH! HEH! HEH! HEEEEH!
That was *funny*, wasn't it?
AARON: Oh, here! Oh, Oh! This is *reaaally* un-orderly. Here.
THERE we go.
It'll be fine. Someone will probably put that in one of the stews and they'll never know the difference.
They're like, 'Potato, potato, Rondach's head, potato, potato...'
I better get this outta here. Uhh, this is kinda awkward...
There we go--OH! He's just! Look, he's just *sleeping*.
He was takin'  a little nap, and his head just fell off! Wha--I dunno what happened!
Ohhh, Anton. You already got rigor mortis. That's kinda grotty.
OOH! What is going on *heeere*??
Voada! You sick, little monkey!
What are ya doin' in front of the *soup*, you weirdo?! Look at where she's got her *hands*!
OOoooh, GROSS!
OOOOHHHHhhhh--UGHH! Look it! Voada! What are you doing with that *GOAT ROAST*?!
Look at her! UGH!
GROSS. She's rubbing it on her *private parts*!
WHAT A *SICKO*!
This place is *disgusting*!
Okay, so, uhhhh--Put nightshade on all of 'em, and we're headin' out!
♫
EMRE: Balagog gro-Nolob!
AARON: BalagogGroNolob.
EMRE: Sounds like a drunk guy trying to say, 'bag of granola'.
AARON: Or, it sounds like a drunk guy trying to *throw* a bag of granola...into the air.
Really high.
EMRE [using his college Freshman voice]: BAWLEGAHG GRENAOLHHhhh!
AARON [emulating a drunk Bill Cosby with a stroke]: AHHBEHLA GLOBBLEH DEES GRAHNULLAH?
It's really all in the *tongue*. Like, the correct Orc pronunciation? GreBLBLBLBLBLEH.
EMRE: Yeah. They *do* have lightning quick tongues.
AARON: GREBLBLBLBLBLBLBEHH!
Alright, Shadowmere. We gotta go find GREBLBLBLBLBEH.
EMRE: BLBLBLBLEH.
AARON: Ehhh. Skyrim's turned us into a couple of babbling idiots.
UNFORTUNATE GUARD: WAT WAS DAT?!
AARON: Oh, excuse me! I'm just coming through.
EMRE: You know, if I was walking around in the snow and I saw a clown riding a horse...
AARON: I would probably *GET THE FUCK OUTTA THE WAAAY*.
AARON: Hey!
Where are you goin'?
BALAGOG gro-NOLOB: Whatever it is, I'm sure I can't be of help...
AARON: I just wanna know the correct pronunciation of your name, Bahgerglglglglh.
BALAGOG: Fight well!
AARON: HEY!
Don't run away! Come back!
EMRE: I think he wants to kill your horse.
AARON: DUDE! WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' TO MY HORSE?!
OH...
He's attacking these thugs. Yeah, yeah! Let's take these guys out, Granolub!
Let's fuck these guys up, man!
EMRE laughs, sounding more and more like the Joker]
EMRE: They *KILLED* him! You didn't even--
AARON: No, no! Guys! It's cool, thank you! I appreciate that!
Noooo--We don't have to fight!
WELL. That was convenient.
I don't know who hired those thugs but, uhm...
They really came at a great time for me.
EMRE: YEAH, they really did.
AARON: I, uhhh--
EMRE: You should find out.
AARON: OOOOOOOhhhh....I *just* killed Voada!
EMRE [in utter disbelief]: WHHAahahahaoh.
AARON: THAT IS FAST!
WHOOO....and, how did they know that??
EMRE: Yeah! Who *ratted* on you??
AARON: 'Return to me with proof of the deed'...
Aine-THACK.
AineTHACH.
EMRE: Ohh, SHIT.
AARON: AeenyTHACH.
EMRE: You know what you gotta do now?
AARON: I gotta kill Ainethach.
EMRE: Yep.
AARON: Who the Hell *is* this bitch, Ainethach?
EMRE: I dunno. ALRIGHT...If anybody online knows where to find Ainethach--
AARON: YEAH!
EMRE: Let us know.
AARON: Lemme know where Ainethach is because Ainethach is gonna take a dagger up *the buns*.
Come on, Granolalob. Let's goooo...
Oh! Oooh. Look out for that post--OH!
OOOoooh! Sorry, man! SORRY! Okay. Here. I'm gonna try to go straighter. Here--
OOOH! OH! OH, CRAP!
I ran 'em into that rock.
Awwwh, here we go!
There we go--Oooh, hey! This is a hiding place.
EMRE: Sweeeeet.
AARON: BAH-BYEEEEEeeee! BON VOYAGEHHHHhh!
Ohhh, look at 'em.
This is *fun*.
Hey, w-what--what are you lookin' at? What's so interesting up there?
Yeah, I mean, the weather's nice and all...but...
Can I drag him in the water?
Oohh, this is cool...
It's like I'm a fuckin' motorboat, or water-skiing.
EMRE [as a Transformer who is also a boat]: VRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHhhhh!!!!
AARON: WOOOHaHOO HOOOOOO!
Look it! He's so *free*...
AARON [as dead ass BALAGOG]: 'Yaaaaaay, I love it!!'
Okay.
See you later, man.
♫
AARON: Aaaastrid?? Guess what!
ASTRID: Need something?
AARON: Y-Yeah! I killed Calico Nose-Job! Or, whatever his name was.
EMRE: BALAGUGGRANOLBUB.
AARON: C-Calco No-Job!
ASTRID:...Need something?
[AARON begins to speak but gives up before he starts]
AARON: SISTER.
ASTRID [oblivious to how she torments him]: Sister?
AARON [dully]: Need something?
[The creature named ADAM once again peers out from the darkness...and laughs]
ASTRID: Sister?
AARON: NEED SOMETHING?
...Sister?
ASTRID: NEED something?
AARON: SO...you seee what life would be like if I behaved like Astrid...
OKAY? Which is *not* be...very interesting.
[EMRE, who has been stifling laughter this entire time, finally breaks]
BABETTE [off camera]:..Lookin' like a CHIIiild...
AARON: Shuddup, kid.
[BABETTE continues to blab, thinking she's people]
AARON: HEY! The adults are talking!
[FESTUS attempts conversation but is overrun by more CRUNCHING]
AARON: Uhh, Festus? I still can't hear *anything* you're saying.
Oh, my Gawhd...
FESTUS: Consider it my way of apologizing--
AARON: It sounds like somebody is jacking off with, like, a paper bag...
[CRUNCH RUSTLE RUSTLE FUCKING CRUNCH]
EMRE [laughing]: Yeah! You're exactly right!
AARON THE CHRONIC MASTURBATOR: CHH-CHH-CHH!!! UGH, UGH, UGH! UUUGH!
That would *hurt* like HELL to do that.
EMRE [speaking from experience]: Yeah but, WELL, that's what the hobos have to use on the train.
AARON [sing-song]: GUESSSSS WHAT IIIIII GET TA DOOooOoOOOOoo...
Festus kept it short--AND, he said go talk to Astrid!
EMRE: It's been a good day so far!
AARON: I know. I love Festus--
EMRE: What can Astrid *do* to ruin it...
AARON [as a special, special boi]: DAAAAhhh itz tem?? Weh reddy to assunate deh emprah?
ASTRID [in her most pornographic voice yet]: OOOhhh, yessss...
EMRE: Mmnnnyeah...
AARON [bearing no shame]: I just jizzed.
ASTRID: *YOU* will have the honor.
You'll gain unrestricted access to the kitchens.
And then, the Emperor...
AARON: YEaaah...
I wanna gain unrestricted access to *your* kitchen, h-h-honey...
Astrid, uh, what poison should I use? You know? Y-You--
ASTRID: Here. Take *this*.
AARON: YES. Take it. *TAKE IT*!
ASTRID: It's called jarrin root.
AARON: Uhuh?
ASTRID: All it takes is *one* taste...
AARON: Ohhh, yeah, I can *feel* it! It's already working! MMNNHH!
ASTRID: It took all the favors, bribes and blackmails I could muster.
AARON [way too hopeful]: FOR MEEEE???
ASTRID: But, I've secured your exit out of the keep.
AARON: She did it for *me*.
ASTRID: Just follow my instructions, and the Dark Brotherhood will be back *on top*.
AAAAlll thanks to *yoooooou*....
AARON: YAS, Astrid. I'm...ohgawhd...
I'm so *high*. I feel so high right now. Astrid loves me *again*.
AARON: OOHHHHHGHH! That was a wonderful, wonderful trip into the shitty cave.
I can't wait to go *kill* an Emperor.
♫
AARON: Oh, Solitude! I have such *good* memories of this place.
Hey, uuuh--I'mma like a chef and shit?
EMRE: O-OH! W-WAIT! You should dress up like a chef!
AARON: Sorry...
I, uhh...I'm not a chef...Ahehheh..heh.
Okay! Welp!
It just so happens that I have a, uhhh...
Chef's hat.
Aaaand a chef's tunic...
Ohh!
EMRE: WOW. Nice.
AARON: *I* am a good-lookin' chef.
So, as you can see, I've got my double-bladed gensu axe.
Aaaand, I got my little cook's outfit on.
I think I'm ready to go.
COMMANDER MARO: What's this now?
AARON: I'm the, uh, Gourmet.
MARO: You should proceed to the kitchens, straight away.
AARON: Okay!
I love you!
Just always nice to leave conversations with that, you know?
EMRE: Yeah!
GIANNA: Now put whatever ya have over there, then! And get out!
AARON: *Poop* whatever I have over theeere...?
EMRE: OHHhgaHD...
IRON CHEF AARON: YEW MISA-UNDERSTANDAH! FOR I AMMMMAHHHH--DEH GORBEEEEEEH!
GIANNA:..The Gourmet?
IRON CHEF AARON: YEEESHAAH.
IMMA HEEEREAH!
I think maybe you shouldn't be wearing a low-cut shirt, honey.
It's just...advice from one woman to another.
I just wanna say. The thing is...? It's not that her boobs are *smaaaall*...
It's just the fact that they look...
...Misshapen?
EMRE: YEEAAAaahh...
AARON: And distorted...and, like...like--
EMRE: Like pancakes.
AARON: UHMM! Uhhh, w-what should I tell her to put in the soup??
EMRE: UHHHHH--
AARON: I'mma let her use her *own* inspiration.
EMRE: That's a good idea!
IRON CHEF AARON: DEH GOURMEHH--HE SAYZ YEW USE WADDEVAH YEW WAAHNTSY!
OOOHH! WER DUN! UHHHH, NO, WAIT! JUSS ONE LITTLE DAHHH, OTHAH T-THING WE GOTTA PUT IN IZ DIS JAAAAH JAREEN NAH ROOTAH??
GIANNA: Oooh? What is *this*?
IRON CHEF AARON: NAH, NAHZ GIANNAH! WHO IZ AH-GORE-MEH?? E-EN DIS PLACE?
GIANNA: I-I'm sorry! Of course, it's your most famous--
IRON CHEF AARON: EETSAH ME! DAS EXACTLEH RIGHT.
DANK YEH! NO PROBLEM! NOOooow you got to cover up your chest IMMEDDIATELYahhh. AhhhHH, I git ta feel a lil SICK in mah stUMach.
GIANNA: Please! I'll serve!
You just stand there and...be *amazing*!
IRON CHEF AARON: EhHEHh das exACTly wat I wuz gun ta dew.
EYYYY, ERBODEH! LOOK EH, WE GOT SUM DELICIOUS VEALS HERE! YEW GUNT TEH EAT EM RIGHT UP!
It's bestah soup I eveah madeah.
Give it a tasteh, taste.
GIANNA: SOMEBODY HELP!!
AARON: OHSHITTTT--AAAHH, 'SCUZE MEH! I DON'T KNOW HOW DAT HAPPENED, AHHH!
I'M DAH GOURMEH! W-WHY YEW DOO DIS TO DAH GOURMEH? I MADEAH GOOD SOUP!
OOOHhhSHIIT! DEY LOCK DAH DOOR!
Can yew peepul settle down a lil bit, pleaaase??
[FUUUUUUS RO DAAAAAH!!!]
AARON [accent is running out of steam]: Ohhh, dars deh door...
AARON [speaking normally now]: Well, that was fun...but, uhh, I'm all done now. I'm gonna head back to Astrid.
I did it, Astrid! Another successful...
What...the fuck..is goin' on?
UHH...
COMMANDER MARO: That man was, by far, the most insufferable decoy the Emperor has ever employed.
AARON: W-Who's talking?
MARO:..I'm *glad* he's dead.
AARON: You??
MARO: SURPRISED? So was *I* when a member of your 'family' came to me with a plan.
AARON: What...?
MARO: We worked out a *DEAL*, you see...An *EXCHANGE*.
EMRE: OOOOoohhh...
MARO: I get *you*, and the Dark Brotherhood gets to--
EMRE: OH HO HO....
AARON: NOooo...
EMRE: *SOMEBODY* in the Dark Brotherhood betrayed you.
AARON: NOOO, no, noooo...
EMRE: Yeah, who the *FUCK* do you think did that?
AARON [deluded and in denial]: It was OBVIOUSLY Arnbjorn! What are you saying--Astrid did it? I don't *think* so!
ARNBJORN is trying to get rid of me, dude.
It was either that or *BABBIT*.
I mean, Babbit? You can tell is up to no good *all the time*...
*THANK YOU*. Really. That guy was annoying me...
[EMRE's experiences uncontrollable laughter over AARON's persistent delusional state]
AARON: I wish Astrid could see this. I meaaan...I have a *lot* of fun out here on the road.
Hey, wait up!
HEY! Slow down! Man!
EMRE: He's like a Slinky.
AARON: Look at this! Theeere ya go. You're almost theeeeere!
[ADAM and EMRE nearly break the mic with their bellowing laughter]
AARON: AWWWWHHHH...come onnnn...
♫
AARON: Okaaay. Here I am.
I aaam! Hey! I escaped!
Fuck youuu, Solituude! HEH!
I always have so much fun in Solitude.
EMRE: Yeah! It's the *greatest*.
AARON [begrudgingly]: 'Return to the Sanctuary, Return to the--'  It seems like that's *all* I ever do.
AARON [quietly to himself]:...Why won't it let me do this?
The Sanctuary is GONE!
EMRE [feigning surprise]: REALLY??
AARON: What the fuck! It won't let me go there! There's *no* Sanctuary.
EMRE: That's not...*good*.
AARON: The HELL's going on?!
EMRE: Yeaaah, I think you could probably fit like *fourteen* footballs in that thing's mouth!
AARON: Shut up about footballs, okay? Astrid might be getting *killed* right now!
Well, I'm gonna ride in on my black horse and save Astrid's *ass*. This is gonna be awesome!
EMRE: YEP.
AARON: WHOOAAAAH HEH, HEH, HEH! Here I am!
EMRE: Eyyy! It's a party!
AARON: Hey. Watch it with those fireballs there, Mister.
YEW FUCKIN--Yew stay away from my Astrid, yew *SLUT*!
Oh, Jesus...
Shadowmere's like a heat-seeking missile.
Fuckin' SUCK it. Piece of *shit*.
Alright. Good job, Shadowmere. You're my pal.
Alright, I gotta go save Astrid! I'll be back in a few minutes!
Okay--W-What...the Hell..?
AARON [gasp]: What is goin' on here--OHmyGAWHD.
EMRE [just a bit distraught]: OH! FESTUS!
AARON [not so much]: OOhhh...You know, this is probably the most exciting Festus has ever been.
Ehhh, Festus? You okay there?
UHHH...Festus?
Eh. Look's like he's dead. Alright. I'm takin' your stuff!
AWHH! TWENTY GOLD?!
EMRE: Ugh.
AARON: What a *dick*.
AARON: Well, I expect Astrid will be waiting down innnn...her normal spot, right?
EMRE: Yeah! Probably just *chillin'* with like, fifty dead bodies around her.
AARON:..The Hell's going on...
Survivors?...What?
Where's Astrid? What the Hell's going on?
EMRE: God, you're awful.
AARON: Yeah, *you're* awful.
Alright, AAAASTRIIID??
Aaastrid...
Fuck you!
Hey, nice! That was a good hit, hey!
OH, SHIT! ARNBJORN! [GAAAAASP]
Wait, you're dead?
Arnbjorn??
Is he really dead?
EMRE: I thiiiink so.
AARON: OHMAHGAHD. I'm so excited! Astrid's *single*!
Fuckin' DIE, you stupid slut!
Alright, I need to go find Astrid...
It's *reaaally* exciting that Arnbjorn's dead, but I'm a little concerned about what's goin' on in here. It's kinda...
...*Spooky*.
EMRE [knowing exactly where she is]: I would assume she is *NOT* behind the giant wall of fire.
AARON: ASTRID! Astrid, he's dead!
Astrid, you and *ME*!
W-What happened?
Oh, my God. Gabriella's dead. *You* killed Gabriella! Ahhh...I'm just gonna let that go
[EMRE continues to cackle like a madman over the chaos around them, knowing well of what awaits them]
AARON: Is that Nazir? Wait--
EMRE: Yeah, that's Nazir! Fuckin' save him!
AARON: I got--I'm trying to!
Jesus...
Nazir! What the Hell's going on, man?!
NAZIR: So, you *ARE* alive!
AARON: YEAH!
NAZIR: I was starting to wonder!
AARON: Where's Babbit?...Have you seen BABBIT?
What 'bout Babbit??
EMRE: I don't think she's down here, bro.
AARON: Ehh, alright. Fine.
[GRANNY NIGHT MAMA RETURNS FROM THE DEEP, WHISPERING SWEET NOTHINGS]
AARON: Wha--
GRANNY NIGHT MAMA: IIiiii am yourrr oooonly *SALVAAAATION*.
AARON:...Excuse me?
GRANNY NIGHT MAMA: CUUUUUMmmm...EMBRAAAaace Meeeehh...
AARON: Uh! Astrid! This is *not*a good time for a practical joke!
We should probably get going...
Why is she playing a fucking practical joke on me *right now*? This is *not* a good time.
AAAALRIGHT, ASTRIIID...I'll go along with it *this time*, but you know--
EMRE: WOW. She really pulled out all the stops for *this* practical joke, huh?
AARON: YEAH! She *really* did...
EMRE: WOW...
AARON [talking over violent, unseen explosions]: I told you I liked her sense of humor, but--WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING??
[EXPLOSIVE GURGLING]
AARON: It sounds like she just flushed me down a giant toilet.
♫
Uhh...
Hello?
[A tiny immortal child murmurs beyond the coffin door]
BABBIT?
NAZIR: Whoa, whoa, whoa! So down! It's alright...
You've been through a lot...Maybe, you should just sit down for a bit.
AARON: Yeah, I know! You guys play really *weird* jokes on people!
OKAY? You gotta fuckin' stop that shit!
AARON: Alright, I *REALLY* need to speak with Astrid.
NAZIR: She's here?!
AARON: Yeah!
NAZIR: By SITHIS, I thought we lost her!
AARON: N-No! She's the one who set up the WHOLE joke, you idiots!
I-I *know* you were in on it...
They're--It's like they're *still* trying to play the joke on me.
Astrid!
Astrid!
Astrid!
Astrid?
Astrid!
A-A-Aah...Aaastrid?
Ahhstrid?...
[EMRE stifles a dry laugh, the maniac]
AARON [heartbroken yet again]: ASTRIID!
EEEHHAHHHHSTRIIIIIID!!!
WHAT'S THAT NIGHTSHADE DOING THERE?!
IS THIS--WHAT KIND OF FUCKING JOKE IS THIS?!
WHY IS THE NIGHTSHADE THERE?!
EMRE: I don't knowwwwhohoooo...[can barely form words]
ASTRID [weakly]: All of this...It's *all* my fault...I set you up...wanted you dead...
...*I* betrayed you...
AARON: Because you *LOVE* me, I know!
I *know* it was because you *love* me, MOST OF ALL.
ASTRID: And now, Maro has betrayed me...
AARON [an actual dummy]:...Who's Maro?
[EMRE bursts into laughter yet again, never not surprised by AARON's incompetence]
AARON: *I'LL KILL MARO*! SOON AS I FIND OUT...who he is...
You and me, we can start over!
Um, I-I'll just put...some new clothes on you, and...
We'll get you some new skin...
UGhhh...y-y-you can wear a wig...
H-Hey,  people come back from this!
ASTRID: I give you..the Blade of Woe...
So that you can see it through...
You *must* kill...
Me...
AARON: NO! W-Well..Okay, hold on!
I think we're being a little *hasty* here. Uhm, hold on...
Here's what's going to happen. I'm just gonna have sex with you *quick*, because...
I guess we can do it *after* you're dead, but I think I'd rather do it right now.
So, lemme just...um, get over, uh...uhh...
EMRE [disgusted]: DUDE!
AARON: L-LOOK! Anything with Astrid is better than *nothing!
Okay...
Alright, maybe that's not gonna work...
Hey! Can you back off, you guys? I'm *busy* here!
I need some PRIVACY!
OKAY, ASTRID, LOOK! This is a reaaaally good *makeup job*. Ummm. Okay, guys! The *PRANK* is over now, right??
AARON [finally getting it]:...Astrid...You're dead, aren't you?
[EMRE giggles while AARON sobs]
Astrid...?
I'm doing this...
...because I love you.
ASTRID [with her final, pained breath]:...T-Thank you...
AARON [feeling sick]: Oh, my God...
EMRE: We should have a moment of silence.
You should remember the good times.
AARON: We *should* remember. We have to...
AARON [narrating over solemn piano music]: We have to commemorate...All the fun, joyous things we did together...
All the conversations we had, the lists we went over...
We *assignments* we dicussed.
EMRE: T-The...The *meat* you shared.
AARON: Remember that goat roast, Astrid? Remember how I rubbed it on your *face*?
Oh, my God. I'm going to miss those times. I'm going to miss everything we did *together*, Astrid..and, now--
[RECORD SKIPS]
BABETTE THE IMMORTAL CUNT: If I hadn't heard it with my own ears, I wouldn't have believed it.
AARON: Can *you* fucking SHUT UP?! I SAID, MOMENT OF SILENCE! BAB. ETTE.
EMRE: Fuckin' blow her away!
AARON: Fuckin' SHHHHuuut UPPPP!!
[EMRE and ADAM feast upon the decadent dessert that is AARON's misery]
AARON: Look, Babbit. *HOW* did you get missed by that?!
BABETTE:...If I hadn't heard--
AARON: OKAY, I HEARD WHAT YOU *SAID*, BABBIT!
I'M STANDING HERE. I'M *TRYING* TO FUCKING MEMORIALIZE ASTRID!!
SHUT!!
UP!!
AARON [in disbelief]: These people. These fucking people. They're doing this. They're *trying* to drive me crazy.
OhMYgAwhd--What is *this*?
EMRE: Look's like Astrid!
AARON: Too soon, Emre...
Too fucking soon...
EMRE: I'm sorry.
AARON: Oh, Astrid! I'm taking you with me...
You're coming with me, Astrid. Come on.
There's room on Shadowmere for two, Astrid! Hah, Hah, Hah! Okay, come on...
S-She's okay!
Look! She's lookin' pretty good! She's startin' to look a lot better...
*There* we go.
Look! Everything's back to normal! Look, Bab-Ette!
Astrid's back at her normal post!
The fun times--
[AARON dissolves into tears as ASTRID crumbles to the floor, broken and dead]
AARON [with breathless cries]: Ahhahhhahhhaaaastriiiiiid....
AARON [heaving a sigh]: Alright. It's time for me to move on.
EMRE: Yeah. You should go see what the Night Mother has to say about this.
GRANNY NIGHT MAMA: EmpeeROOrr TiTUSss Meeeede II *muuust* be eliMinAAated...
AARON [unsurprised]: Really?
I'm the *new* like, head...head of this Guild.
And, *III* decide who the new Night Mother is.
And, I think that it should be Astrid.
Come on, Astrid!
This is gonna be fun!
[EMRE mimics ASTRID's juicy, dead bones crunching on the steps]
There ya go. Down the stairs, Astrid. Here we gooo...
Yeeeeup, mmhmm.
[Disgusting squirt noises]
AARON: Astrid does *not* make those noises, Emre.
[EMRE makes even louder, wetter farty corpse noises]
AARON: Okaaay! *New* Night Mother!
At my service!
Heeeere she goes, into the cofffiiin--Quick, shut it!
AAAAAND, THE NEW NIGHT MOTHEEEER!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!
EMRE [weezing]: Awesome!
♫
AARON: I'm  just gonna go talk to...Almond Latte.
He's at the 'Bannered Mare', a classy joint if I do say so myself.
Uhhh, excuse me? I need to talk to you about some bullshit.
AMAUND MOTIERRE: WUT IZ EET?!?
AARON: The Emperor. The *REAL* Emperor. Where is he?
AMAUND: He's on his ship, the Katariah. Board off-shore in the Solitude inlet.
EMRE [thoughtfully]:..Solitude again?
AARON: We *do* have fun in Solitude.
EMRE: That's true.
You know?? I bet he's got a *lot* of gold on him.
AARON: Yup. That's a good point.
*I* will take the diamond, as payment for talking to you.
Aaand, head out!
Alright, I'm going to the East Empire Company Warehouse!
EMRE: Let's *NOT* sing about it.
AARON [choosing to spite EMRE]: ♪ EAST. EM--PIIREEE COMPANYyyy, warehouse EAST. EmPIre COMPaaany ware--♪
AARON: Okay, Commander Maro. Do you want me to cut off youuur dick? And, then stuff it in your neck?
As I'm cutting your head off?
That'd be sorta like a, a slam dunk.
It'd be like Michael Jordan style execution.
EMRE: MMMmnnn...
AARON: Where you take someone's balls, cut their head off and then *slam dunk* their balls into their neck.
What about this? Do you think *this* would do the trick?
EMRE: *THIS* would do the trick.
AARON: I'm gonna do this the more *enjoyable* way.
EMRE: Ohhh, shit!
AARON: Heyyy! Why are you trying to *attack* me??
YEAH! Git 'em!
Git 'em, man!
Yeah, just a little bit more--Oh! Yup!
OOOOOhh, YEAAaah! Nice job, you guys!
EMRE: That *was* cool.
AARON: Those guys just whipped the shit outta 'em.
You know the thing is?
I'm *above* him now. I don't even, I don't *wanna* kill him.
Cuz, ya know, I'm way too cool for that kinda bullshit.
Swimmy swim, swimmy swim...
I am a *good swimmer* with 300lb suit of armor.
EMRE: Yeah, you'd think *that* would slow you down but--
AARON: Nope. Nope.
Look at how *close* the moon is.
This is like...on a different planet.
EMRE: It *must* be.
I-I honestly thought, until this moment, that this was taking place on Earth.
AARON: Really?
EMRE: Yeah.
AARON: AhGawhd.
You're stupid...
EMRE: I know, I-I'm just the *dumbest* person ever.
AARON: Hey, Emre! Should I try to pull this chain?
EMRE: Yeeeees?
AARON: Oh. Oh! [BEASTIAL SCREECHING IN THE BACKGROUND]
What was that noise?!
That chain must be attached to Chewbaca's balls inside the ship. It's like when you pull it he goes, 'RRRRRHHHHHGHHH!!!'
Okay! UMMM. I'mmmm...sick of all the subterfuge.
I'M HERE TO KILL THE EMPEROOOORRRR! ANYBOODDDY??
Who wants it??
Yeaaah. See ya later, shithead.
Heeellooo? Here to kill the Emperroorrr! Anyyybody??
Where's the fuckin' Emperor??
EMRE: Just gotta keep goin' through doors.
AARON [growing bored]: Ehhhh...
EMRE: Eventually you'll find him.
Y-Yeah. He's *not* in a jail cell.
AARON: Ehhhh, nobody's here.
SUICIDAL GUARD: TIME TOO END DIS LIL GAME!!
AARON: OOooh, stop it. OHHH. That's *so* annoying.
GodDAMNit.
EMRE and AARON [in unison]: JERK.
[BOYISH LAUGHS N LOVE]
AARON: Jinx! You owe me, uhhhahhhh..ahh..axe...
EMRE:...An *AXE*?
AARON: I dunno...
EMRE: How am I gonna get an axe?!
AARON: Ehhhh, look! Dars a pot wiff a book in it.
Oh! You know what this means? This is a fuckin' secret code. Someone at the Skyrim offices is...cookin' the books.
EMPEROR TITUS: Come now. Don't be shy.
AARON: Mnokay.
TITUS: You haven't come *this* far just to stand there, gawking.
AARON: Alright, well, I'll start taking off *my* clothes first...
And then, you....you, uhhh...
Wait a minute...!
Tiddus Mead the Second, you were expecting me??
TITUS: But, of course! You and I have a date with destiny.
AARON: Emperor Tight-Ass Mede II.
TITUS: *BUT*...I ask of you, a favor.
AARON: You're not comin' on to me, are you?
TITUS: An old man's *dying* wish...
Once you've been *rewarded* for my assassination...
I want you to *kill* the very person who ordered it.
AARON: Oh! No problem!
Goddammit, dude. I don't mind.
EMRE [with no sympathy for old farts]: I think you should blast him around the room a little bit.
AARON: Alright, that's a good idea.
Alright, uhhhh-uhhmm, let's see...You know, I don't like killing you *right theeeere*. Kinda want you *over theeeere*...
[FUUUUS RO DAAAAAA!!!!]
EMRE: AAWWWWWWHHH--
AARON: DUDE! That guy just gave up the ghost.
EMRE: W-WOWWWW.
AARON: I just *SCREAMED* at him, and he *DIED*.
EMRE: I don't even think chickens are *that* easy to kill...
AARON: I like his robes, though.
EMRE: Yeaaah.
AARON: Think I'll hold on to those.
EMRE: You'd think the Emperor would have better underwear.
AARON: Yeaaah...
He should have like...velvet underwear, or something--Goddamn, his legs are *veiny*!
Well, just for old time's sake.
I guess I'm gonna leave the ole, uh, you know...Oh, shit. I don't have any.
I'm just gonna put this wine bottle here.
And...
Everyone will just think you drank yourself to death!
Look at that!
Yooo, he was runnin' around naked. He got drunk, tripped andddd...you know, fell over the edge of this bench.
EMRE: Knocked over all of his favorite books.
AARON: Yeh.
AARON: I just gotta make it really look like he was drunk and just stumbling around, knocking shit everywhere.
EMRE: Yeah.
[FUUUUS RO DAAAAAA!!]
EMRE: Yeah! Th...Th-That looks pretty convincing.
AARON: Whoa! Look at the sky tonight! It's beautiful outside.
EMRE: Wow! When it's not snowing, the sky actually looks pretty neat.
AARON: This just reminds me of my good times spent with Astrid...
Lying on the beach...
On those warm summer days, looking up at the sky.
EMRE: That *NEVER* happened.
AARON:...Oh.
[RETURN OF THE SOLEMN MEMORIAL PIANO]
♫
AARON: Hey! How's it goin', Amaund?
AMAUND: HaHa! You're back.
AARON: Yeah.
AMAUND: Your payment waits for you at a dead-drop.
AARON: I'm NOT gonna go dick around in some *cavern* and find my money. Give me the money NOW!
AMAUND [gravelly, while dying]: BUUuuttt we hAAaad a dEEEaall....
AARON: Alright, well, we *did* have a deal and...uhhhhm, I won.
EMRE: Alright! So, now what do you do?
W-What're we gonna do? Gotta go back to Nazir?
AARON: Ugh. No, I gotta go find my money.
EMRE: Oooh, yeah, yeah. Gotta get the money...
AARON: If you ever fall asleep while we're doing this, Emre...When you wake up, you will have a vagina.
EMRE:*THAT*...is a complicated medical procedure that I do *not* believe you have the tools OR the experience to pull off.
AARON: NOoooo, but you sleep through anything.
[laughing] Including a sex change operation.
20,000 GOLD?!
EMRE: Nice!
AARON: That was really easy!
EMRE: Yeah.
AARON: *Why* was he storing that there...?
EMRE: Why would he store *anything* here?
Anybody could just walk into Volunruud and take all his shit.
♫
AARON: Uhhh, I...I-I'm very--I am still very gloomy about this whole Astrid situation...
EMRE: *GLOOMY*. Yeah...
AARON: I-I'm really not willing to *ACCEPT* the fact that she's gone. I mean, there's gotta be a way to get her back.
So, I knew that there was a way around this and I did a little research. UHHHM, and I found out that there's a way that I can *travel back in time*...aaand save Astrid.
[EMRE chortles, not believing AARON's bullshit]
AARON: I-I have a cunning plan.
EMRE: REALLY--
AARON: YES.
EMRE: You can travel back in--HOW are you going to do *that*?
AARON: Okay, well, first thing I need is a 1.21 gigawatts *spell*.
Which I actually already have.
I didn't *reaaalize* like, what it was for. I was like, why did they put this in the game? But, NOW, *I get it*!
It's so you can time travel!
EMRE: Okay, so, what's--
AARON: It's ALL going to make sense. Just relax.
EMRE: W-What else do you need?
AARON: Okay. PART TWO!
I need a, uhhhh...Flux Capacitor.
EMRE [still unconvinced]:...A *flux*...capacitor...
AARON: Yes.
EMRE: Are you sure that that's in--
AARON: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah. It's the total--It's totally in the game. Umm. But, not many people know about it.
So what I've done is I've got four people in here and I'm torturing them to find out where the flux capacitor is.
TORTURED GRANNY: This is about the inheritance, isn't it?
AARON: YEAH.
The *FLUX CAPACITOR* that you inherited.
TORTURED GRANNY: I-I'll tell you where I've hidden it!
AARON: Okay, tell me.
TORTURED GRANNY: It's in a hollowed out tree stump in the marsh, ehhh...South of Solitude.
AARON: A hollowed out tree stump? YEAH. Good one! *Fuck you*!
Alright, well, apparently the flux capacitor is in a hollowed out something-or-other...
EMRE [as a jousting tournament announcer]: SO TIIIIIME FOR THE QUESSSST! FOR THE FLUUUUX CAPACITOR!
♫
AARON: OH! OH! Hollowed out tree stump!
EMRE: OOOOOOOHHHHHmahGAWHd!
AARON: Oooh, yeaaah.
EMRE [in disbelief]: WOW.
AARON: That's it!
EMRE: I-I'm gonna be honest here. I did *not*...
AARON: I told ya!
EMRE: *BELIEVE* you at all--
AARON: I told ya! I told you that this was in Skyrim.
It's a little secret that *I* discovered. It's *not* done using After Effects. It's actually just in the regular X-Box game.
Unfortunately, I'm going to have to change back into some old clothing...
I need to look like myself back when I was in those days.
EMRE [incredulous again]:...REALLY?
AARON [on the verge of a tantrum]: SHUT UP! I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!
EMRE [stifling laughter]: Aaalright. F-Fine. Whatever.
It's *yoooour* time travel...shit.
AARON: Okay, there! I'm all set. I look just like the old me.
Okay! So first, we're going to equip the flux capacitor which is under 'food'. For obvious reasons. And, uhhh...okay.
Equipped!
EMRE: Did you shove it up the horse's *ass*?
AARON: It *obviously* goes up the horse's ass cuz that's what gives him the *speed boost*.
Okay. Now I gotta use the 1.21 gigawatts spell.
EMRE: Alright. Who...are you using it on?
AARON: On Shadowmere.
Okay!
EMRE: He's ready to go!
AARON: We should be ready.
Alright! I'm setting the date to go back to the first time that I ever met Astrid.
Once we get up to 88 mph, it *should* work.
EMRE OF LITTLE FAITH: Yeah. That's never gonna happen.
AARON: WELL, what's happening then?
EMRE: Uhhhh...
O-Oh!
AARON: Here we go, here we go! HOLD ON!
EMRE: OHH, SHIT!!
WHOOAAAHO-HO-HO!
AARON: See? I told you it would work. Now we just have to travel *over* to the shack where I first met Astrid.
To...start the plan.
This is going to be awesome.
EMRE: I *cannot* believe this fuckin' worked.
AARON: YEAH!
EMRE: I'm really looking forward to the rest of your plan!
♫
AARON: Okay! I'm in the shack!
Oh, God! There's Astrid. Hi, Astrid! H-Hehah...
Oh, God. It's so nice to see her again...
EMRE: Soo, what are you gonna do?
Wh...WHOA!
WHAT ARE YOU *DOING*?!
AARON: I-I just, I just need to kill Astrid!
EMRE: Y-You're...
AARON: It's not a big deal or anything.
EMRE: WAIT. Is *this* part of the plan?
AARON: Y-Yeah! I just need to kill her really quick.
EMRE [baffled]: What the...I thought you said you were trying to *SAVE* her life! Y-You're going back to make sure that she didn't *DIE*!
AARON: Just relax! It's all part of the plan. I just have to *kill* Astrid.
Okay, so...
EMRE: WHAT...
OH, my GOD...
AARON: So, um, actually...This is, um...
Sort of just an *added benefit* of the whole, uh...'I murdered Astrid situation'.
EMRE [catching on]: UHHHHH. Okay. I don't...I don't think I wanna see this. I'm gonna go--
AARON: Yeah, can you just...go in the other room for a second?
Oh, yeah...
Oh, Astrid...
♫
AARON: HEY, EMRE!
EMRE [echoing from afar]: WHAT?!
AARON: IT'S OKAY, I'M ALL DONE! COME BACK!
EMRE: Oh, my---NO YOU'RE NOT!!
AARON: W-Well, I'm--I'm finishing! I'm just finishing up!
EMRE: OH, GAWD!!
EMRE: OKAY!
I am fucking *CURIOUS*. Wh--How does this solve *ANYTHING*? At all?
AARON: Alright. You remember the guy, Commander Maro who was responsible for making that deal with Astrid and basically destroyed the whole Brotherhood?
EMRE:...Yeah?
AARON: I'm going to prevent that deal from *ever* happening, by killing Commander Maro.
EMRE: But you...B-But...
But, you killed *ASTRID*.
NOT. MARO.
AARON: Exactly. That's the whole point.
In order to find Commander Maro, I had to kill Astrid. Now I'm going to go talk to a guard and find out where he is.
And then, I'm going to go kill *him*.
But, I *will* have to travel back in time to *before* I killed Astrid and tell myself *not* to kill Astrid so that this whole thing works.
Make sense now?!
EMRE: Do you realize how FUCKING crazy that sounds?
AARON:...Wut?
Okay, I just gotta talk to this guard.
GUARD: W-WAIT! WAIT! I know you...
AARON: Hey yaaa, like, uhhh--I killed the leader of the Dark Brotherhood?
GUARD: Yew did WUT?!
AARON: Her name's Astrid.
She's reaaaaally hot.
GUARD: Yew bettah report dis to Commandah Maro, right awaeh!
He's at deh  Penitus Oculatus Outpost.
EMRE: AAAlright, there we go!
[SHADOWMERE shrieks as the flux capacitor electrifies his ass]
Okay.
I've traveled back to before I killed Astrid, right?
So now I just gotta convince myself *not* to kill Astrid, and we should be alright.
EMRE: Piece of cake!
PAST AARON: I'm sorry, Astrid! But, I have to do--
[PRESENT AARON knocks at the door]
PAST AARON: H-Hello...?
PRESENT AARON: HEEEEY!
PAST AARON [behind the door]: Who the HELL is that? What's going on?
PRESENT AARON: It's ME!
PAST AARON: You mean...'ME'?
PRESENT AARON: YEAH.
PAST AARON: Uhhhh, okay. This is weird. Why don't you come in?
PRESENT AARON: I-I can't come in. The whole fabric of space time will be ripped apart and stuff like that.
Look, listen! *DON'T* kill Astrid!
PAST AARON: Wha--? I have to! It's part of the plan--
PRESENT AARON: NO, NO, NO! *I've* done the other stuff. So now, don't kill Astrid.
PAST AARON: Wha...N-No, that's okay. I wanna kill Astrid.
If I kill her, I can take her clothes off and stuff. It'll be really fun.
PRESENT AARON: NOOO--Look! I already did that! It's great, yeah! But, you can't do *that*! You have to not do that, or she will never be alive again.
PAST AARON: Well, why did *you* get to do it and *I* don't?!
PRESENT AARON: LOOK, JUST DON'T KILL HER! YOU IDIOT!
PAST AARON: DON'T CALL ME A FUCKING IDIOT, YOU BITCH!
PRESENT AARON: Seriously. *Don't* kill Astrid, or you're defeating the whole purpose of *the plan*.
PAST AARON: Wha--Well! I don't have to listen to you! I'll fucking do it, then *I'LL* go do the plan!
You just go fuck off and drown in a lake!
AARON: NO! IDIOT! You can't do that or the cycle will NEVER end! And she'll always be dead, FOREVER!
PAST AARON: WHATEVER! I don't give a shit! I'm gonna go--I'm just gonna go kill Astrid. Okay? BYEEEE!
PRESENT AARON: NO, WAIT! NO!
[AARON heaves a sigh of defeat as sounds of a struggle come from inside the cabin]
AARON: God...dammit...
EMRE: Could'a seen that one coming.
AARON: I-I don't understand why that didn't work...
This is...
BULLSHIT.
AARON [lacking all self-awareness]: Why did I *do* that?? I was...I already killed Astrid once! Why wouldn't I listen to myself??
EMRE: NOW what are we gonna do?
[THE ECHOING OF CORPSE RAPE]
EMRE: OH MY....GAWHD.
Are you doing what I *think* you are doing in there?
PRESENT AARON [from outside the house]: You know you shouldn't have done that!
PAST AARON: SHUDDUP!
I'M HUMPING!
♫
AARON: Alright, I just gotta get the fuck outta here.
You know what?
I-I just have to go back, farther in time. I just have to stop Astrid from ever coming to this cottage, and then--
EMRE: Yeah.
AARON: Then, this can never happen!
EMRE [just going along with it now]: Heh, y-yeah, that's...
AARON: Okay? So I'm just going to travel--I'll go back to theee, to the take off point with Shadowmere.
AAAnd...we're gonna go back even farther.
[MORE ELECTRIC ANAL FOR SHADOWMERE]
EMRE: What...? *WOW*.
Where the *HECK* are we?
AARON: Uhhh...
AARON: I have no idea...
EMRE: What *IS* that thing?
AARON: I think we might have gone back a little too faaaar...in time.
UMMM...
Shadowmere, what's going on?
Shadowmere's really not helpful in these situations.
EMRE: Well. Maybe we should just...look around for a bit?
AARON: Yeaaah...
UHH. We just need to find someone to ask some questions.
EMRE: Alright, well. I guess we can check in the 'Inn of Ill Omen'.
AARON: Y-Yeah, I don't remember that inn...
EMRE: I don't remember *any* of these things!
AARON: The Man-Hood-Root-Pulp. I remember that!
That's, uh...That's good stuff for the 'older gentleman'.
EMRE: Hmmm. Even the loading screens are a little *old* here in the past.
AARON: Yeah, that's weird.
EMRE: You should ask this guy what the HELL is happening.
MANHEIM MAULHAND: YEAH! I still got rooms!
AARON: I just wanna know what fucking YEAR it is!
MANHEIM: Everyone's talking about the assassination, of course!
FAREWELL!
AARON: THIS INN IS *SHIIIIT*!
MANHEIM: And, tell your friends!
AARON: I'm not gonna tell my fucking friends about this...*JOKE*.
I don't wanna know about the GODDAMN fuckin' rooms and--I'M NOT GONNA TELL MY FRIENDS ANYTHING!
MANHEIM [a really persistent innkeep]: What do ya need? A ROOM, MAYBE?
AARON: NO!!
WHAT YEAR IS IT?!
FUCK YOU!!
EMRE: OH, my God! NO--What are you doing?!
AARON: YOU FUCKING DICK!
EMRE: N-No! You *can't* kill people in the past! It ruins everything! It ruins the whole FUTURE!
AARON: Fuck if I *can't*! They're attacking me. I have to kill 'em.
EMRE: You don't know what you're doing, dude.
AARON [desperate to justify himself]: All it takes is some fuckin--You kill a couple of people with a sword, and everything goes back to normal.
That's how it works in the movies.
EMRE: You're INSANE.
T-There's probably never even going to BE an Astrid now!
AARON:...*You're* insane.
♫
AARON: Okay!
We're back here.
I don't know what's going to be going on in here, but we just gotta hope for the best.
Maybe Astrid will be back alive again.
EMRE: Maaaybe the fucking world will be populated by giant, walking penis monsters.
AARON: HMMM...I don't think so. I haven't seen any yet. So, that seems unlikely.
ANYWAY.
WELP! There's Babbit.
So, that's somethin'.
She's here! This is it.
[EMRE heaves a great sigh of relief]
AARON: She's dead.
EMRE: Ohhh, thank GOD.
AARON: Everything's back to normal!
When I *massacred* that person, that must have changed the course of time somehow...
EMRE: Huh...Like, a butterfly effect.
AARON: Yeah, it was like a butterfly effect--
EMRE: Except it was a *massacre* effect.
AARON: It was a massacre...a person effect.
Okay. So...
The whole 'traveling in time' thing really didn't work out.
EMRE: So nowwww, I guess it's time for 'Plan B'.
AARON: I have something called the Staff of Dread Zombies, which I totally forgot about...
Such an idiot.
But, you know? I thought it was worth trying the time travel stuff first. And the thing is, we *did* get to see Astrid's...p-partially naked body.
EMRE: That is true. That was *quiet* the adventure.
AARON: Which I was *always* frustrated about in life, because what you got *here* is her almost naked body...
But, it's...you know.
I'll take whatever I can get.
So...
EMRE: What *can* you get?
AARON: *THIS* is what I can get.
EMRE: Ooooooo...
AARON: Oh, YEAH. That's right.
Show me your stuff, Astrid.
EMRE: OOOOOH, YEAH!!
AARON: LOOK AT THAT--LOOK AT THAT! THERE'S, THERE'S THE EYES!
EMRE: WOOOOO!!
AARON: There she is! S-She did it. She's alive.
EMRE: Hooooly craaaap.
AARON: She's back!
She's *BACK*!
Do you see this? Do you *fucking* see this?
OOHH.
FUCK.
Check this shit out. Does it *not* say Fün Tits' Astrid?
EMRE: I-It does. It says it. *Congratulations*.
AARON: This is *MY* Astrid!
EMRE: I wanna shake your hand, SIR.
AARON: I *own* this Astrid.
And, this Astrid will do whatever the *fuck* I want.
EMRE: W..Wh...What happened?
AARON: Oh. UHH. Nothin'. Just, uh...close your eyes.
EMRE: Oh, wait--WAIT. This shit only lasts like, A MINUTE?
AARON: UHHH, WELL, it lasts *sixty seconds*.
EMRE: Wha...UGH...Well, that's not...*GOOD*.
AARON: Uhh...It's *fine*.
Um. I'm just gonna have to do this every sixty seconds, for the rest of the time...that me and Astrid are together.
EMRE: Aaand, you also cannot leave this building.
AARON: No, well, that's fine. I'm just gonna hang out down here with Astrid. I'll revive her every sixty seconds, for the rest of my life.
And, when I finally die...sixty seconds later, Astrid will die.
But, we'll be together *forever*. It's perfect. We'll both die at *nearly* the same time.
EMRE: So, is this the...uh, this the end of Fün Tits' saga?
AARON: This is the end.
EMRE: What a *WILD* and crazy ride it's been.
AARON: It's been quite a ride to get here but, I mean, look at what I ended up with.
EMRE: You got the prize.
AARON: I *did* get the prize.
And I am one happy Fün Tits.
AARON: So, as you may have noticed, we have decided to start releasing all the Skyrim seasons as big, long videos by themselves.
Not only because it's easier to watch,  but because we are about to wrap up this season of Skyrim for Pimps.
And, there's some stuff that's gonna happen that you'll wanna refresh your memory about.
So we're gonna put all the seasons out in this format for your viewing pleasure! Thanks for watching Skyrim for Pimps!
