Barack Obama,
the 44th and,
as far as I'm concerned,
only black president
of the United States.
(cheering and applause)
He's been pretty quiet
since leaving office,
but every now and then,
he likes to remind us
of what we're missing.
Barack and Michelle Obama
holding their third annual
Obama Foundation Summit,
and the former president talked
about being a little too pious
about politics.
This idea of purity
and you're never compromised
and you're always
politically woke
and all that stuff, you should
get over that quickly.
The world... the world is messy.
-There are ambiguities.
-Yeah.
People who do
really good stuff...
have flaws.
Like, if I tweet or hashtag
about how you didn't do
something right
or used the word...
wrong verb or...
then I can sit back
and feel pretty good
about myself,
'cause, man,
you see how woke I was?
-I called you out.
-(laughter)
I-If all you're doing
is casting stones...
...uh, you know, you're probably
not gonna get that far.
-Man, wow.
-(whooping)
You know, when you...
when you watch that,
you really remember
that American presidents
used to speak English.
(laughter)
Also, I'm loving this whole
relaxed Obama no-tie swag.
You see that thing?
It's almost like Trump
has set him free
because he can never look worse
than Trump.
Now he's just chill.
You know, he doesn't care.
He's like, "Oh, you don't think
this looks presidential enough?
"Uh, okay, what if I tuck
my shirt into my front butt?
"Is that the dignity you want?
"Uh, is that what you want?
Uh, I'm not gonna do it."
And, look, I'll-I'll be honest.
I hear what Obama's saying,
but I'm not sure if he should be
dismissing hashtag activism.
A lot of real movements
have blown up online.
You know, #BlackLivesMatter,
uh, the #MeToo movement,
#ManCrushMondays.
You know? Yeah, in the old days,
you had to wait until Friday
to crush on hot men.
Social media has changed that.
But at the same time,
I get what Obama's saying.
If you believe in a just cause,
you can't just sit at home,
ranting on Twitter, right?
It doesn't make you an activist.
It makes you the president
of the United States.
Speaking of which, let's move on
to Donald J. Trump,
the 45th and,
as far as I'm concerned,
only current president
of the United States.
Because while Obama was talking
about fake canceling online,
Trump might get canceled
in real life.
NEWSMAN:
A dramatic new revelation
in the impeachment inquiry
from Lieutenant Colonel
Alexander Vindman,
who was on that controversial
July phone call
between President Trump
and Ukraine's leader.
The New York Times
reporting overnight
that Vindman told
House investigators Tuesday
that the rough transcript
of the call
released by the White House
omitted crucial words
and phrases.
That explosive new testimony
directly contradicting
President Trump.
I had a transcript done
by very, very talented people.
Word for word.
Comma for comma.
Done by people
that do it for a living.
I... We had an exact transcript.
"Comma for comma"?
(laughter)
Yeah, that's when we should
have known he was lying.
No, when has Trump
ever used commas?
Like, every since he came down
that escalator, it's been
one four-and-a-half-year-long
sentence.
That's all it's been.
Like, I've never heard
a Donald Trump sentence
and thought,
"Yeah, there's punctuation
involved there. Uh-huh."
In fact, it seems like
when Obama left the White House,
he took all the commas with him.
He was like, "I'll take
this one, uh, and this one,
and give me the, uh...
ellipses, as well."
And then Trump was like,
"Now there's none left for me.
"I can't pause when I speak.
"This is total chaos. So much.
"Chaos nonstop.
"Speaking.
That's why I don't stop.
"Never stop. Never. At all.
"I try. I can't.
"No pause for me.
Not good."
So, this development looks bad
for Trump,
And he's really got to hate
that Colonel Vindman
wore his military uniform
when testifying,
'cause it's hard to fight
against that.
I wouldn't be surprised
if next time,
Trump shows up decorated
with his own achievements,
which is basically a sign that
says, "I banged a porn star."
And finally, moving on,
it's the end of October,
which means it's time to start
fighting about Christmas.
It's a Christmas classic,
but in this #MeToo era,
"Baby, It's Cold Outside"
sends the wrong message.
♪ I simply must go ♪
♪ But, baby, it's cold outside ♪
-♪ The answer is no ♪
-♪ But, baby... ♪
NEWSMAN: The Christmas classic
"Baby, It's Cold Outside"
is getting a #MeToo makeover.
John Legend has announced
he's rerecording the song
with Kelly Clarkson
with more appropriate lyrics.
The new lyrics go this way.
"What will my friends think?"
sings Clarkson.
"I think they should rejoice,"
Legend responds.
"If I have one more drink?"
"It's your body
and your choice."
Okay, that's maybe
a little too woke.
I feel like Obama's
about to pop up like,
"Uh, now, what did I tell
you people? Come on, huh?"
But to be honest, to be honest,
this isn't a bad idea.
Yeah, because who watches
that old scene
and feels comfortable
other than Harvey Weinstein?
Like, she says no.
So I think it's time
to update that song.
In fact,
I think we should update
other problematic songs,
as well.
All of them. Yeah. And we can
still listen and enjoy them.
Like that Robin Thicke song.
That could just be...
♪ Blurred lines ♪
♪ Let's make them sharper. ♪
(laughter)
Yeah. Then we're just, like,
clarifying consent.
And we definitely need to redo
all of R. Kelly's songs, huh?
♪ My mind's telling me no ♪
♪ And I'm listening to my mind ♪
♪ 'Cause my body
doesn't want to go to jail. ♪
