Hello everyone. It’s Hasan Minhaj.
Tax season is officially here
and I know how
stressful that can be.
That’s why
I put together this
soothing ASMR video
to help you relax.
So go ahead,
put this on in the background,
and let’s begin.
If your partner asks you,
“Hey!
What are you watching?”
Just say,
“Hey!
Why do you watch Love is Blind?
Don’t judge me.”
So,
let’s go ahead
and talk about
1040 Forms.
1040.
10.
40.
Go ahead.
Pull it out.
Make sure you unclip them.
Go ahead.
Unclip it.
Unclip it.
There you go.
Yep.
Give it a back scratch.
Let’s fill it out.
Let’s start with
something personal 
like your filing status.
Are you single?
Married filed jointly?
Married filing separately?
Head of Household– HOH?
Or...
are you a Qualifying Widower?
I checked all of them.
There you go. You did it.
Good job.
Let’s start adding stuff up.
Maybe you need to highlight
stuff that’s confusing.
Wages,
salaries,
tips,
etcetra.
IRA distributions,
pensions,
qualified dividends–
What are those?
You probably don’t have any.
That’s okay.
You know the rules.
Add lines 1,
2b,
3b,
4b,
5d,
6 and 7a.
Yup.
Add it all up.
Now we know your
taxable income.
Wow. That’s a lot of paper.
It’s okay though.
It’s recycled paper.
I just finished
one of my forms.
You’re doing it.
You should be so proud.
Look at you being an adult.
Look at that.
You filed early.
Now let’s think about
your tax return.
Think about what it sounds like
when it hits your bank account
Cha-ching.
Cha-ching.
Cha-ching.
Wow.
Think about the sound
of that cold hard cash
hitting your bank account.
So much currency.
That’s right.
US...
D.
Think about those coins.
Uh-oh.
Wow, that’s a lot of money.
Wait.
There’s more.
Wooow.
Whoops.
Let’s put these
in our piggy bank.
I’ve had this since I was five.
Think about that cold hard
cash hitting your bank account
What are you gonna
do with all that money?
Maybe
you can put a down payment
on a brand new KIA Sorento.
KIA Sorento.
Sorentooooooo.
US News and World Report gave it
8 out of 10 stars.
That’s pretty good.
Think about yourself in
the open road.
That standard cloth interior
caressing your body.
Wow.
I didn’t even need to upgrade.
That’s pretty good.
Vroom vroom.
Power steering.
Nice.
Oh look, there’s a buffalo.
It’s so pretty.
Oh wow.
Put it in the piggy bank.
Uh-oh, it doesn’t fit.
Think about all those things
you can do with your tax return.
You can use it to go on that trip
you always wanted to go on.
Maybe you can go to Miami.
Picture yourself on the sand.
Wow.
Welcome to Miami.
Bienvenidos a Miami.
Feel your feet on the rocks.
They’re cool...
and smooth.
You’re walking through the sand.
Uh-oh,
there’s a crab.
He’s pinching me.
Don’t do that.
Think about all the stuff you
can buy with your tax refund.
You might even have
enough for this...
Newton’s Cradle.
Why don’t you give it
one more smack.
That was money well spent.
You could even buy
some nice new pens.
That way they won’t get dry.
All this talk about taxes…
...is getting me really hungry.
It’s time for a snack.
I love apples.
Mmm.
This one looks good.
Let me try one more.
What a healthy snack.
Do I have any in my teeth?
Hope not.
Now that you have
some free time,
you might want to get
into one of your hobbies.
One thing I love is
watercolor painting.
I bought these brushes
at Michaels.
I like this one.
You can paint with
your favorite color.
My favorite color is red.
Looks pretty good.
It’s important to know
your rights as a taxpayer.
So, I’m gonna read to you
the Taxpayer Bill of Rights.
It’s available on the IRS website,
or your Libertarian uncle
probably shared it on Facebook.
Taxpayers have the right
to be informed.
Taxpayers have the right to quality
and professional service
in their dealings with the IRS.
Taxpayers have the right to pay
no more than the
correct amount of tax.
Isn’t that nice?
That’s your right.
Taxpayers have the right to
challenge the IRS’s position
And be heard.
You hear that?
It’s my money.
Taxpayers have the right to
appeal the IRS’s decision
in an independent forum,
such as a court.
Taxpayers have the
right to finality
in their dealings with the IRS.
Remember that.
Taxpayers have the right to privacy
in their dealings with the IRS
and any inquiry shall
be no more intrusive
than necessary.
Good to know.
Uh-oh.
My piggy bank is full.
Good thing I got a second one.
Taxpayers have the right
to confidentiality.
Taxpayers have the right to retain
representation of their choice
in their dealings with the IRS.
Taxpayers have the right to
a fair and just tax system.
That’s all of them.
If you’re confused
at all by your taxes,
don’t worry–
you can call your parents.
I’m gonna call my dad.
Look away from the screen.
This is his real number.
Hello, dad?
It’s Hasan. Your son.
What’s a dependent?
How many do I get to claim?
Is it emotional or financial?
Oh. You don’t know?
Then put mom on the phone.
Hi mom.
What’s a dependent?
You don’t know either?
Okay.
I’ll Google it.
Bye.
That didn’t help.
It’s time to think
about something beautiful.
Like these roses.
(sniffs roses)
Good thing I took
Claritin this morning.
Smells good.
Give these to your accountant.
Spring is here.
Okay,
now imagine your accountant.
Imagine him rubbing your head.
I know that may seem weird,
but he’s just trying to get you to relax.
Bye, accountant.
Oh my god. Do you know
what time it is?
It’s time for sand play.
My producer says this
is called “kinetic sand.”
It sounds great.
It’s firm like cake.
Like a pound cake...
...made of sand.
Do you want a slice?
Comment below if you want a slice.
Okay, if you’re counting calories,
I’ll give you a smaller slice.
Comment below if you want a slice.
Here– you can share
this with a friend.
Wow, guys, you did it!
I’m so proud of you.
You completed your taxes.
I’ll see you next year.
Same time,
same place.
Bye!
That sounds nice.
