After two days
of excruciating waiting,
the royal baby
finally has a name.
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle
have announced the name
of the newest member
of the royal family,
their son, Archie Harrison
Mountbatten-Windsor.
Earlier today,
the joyous new parents spoke
to the press at Windsor Castle.
I think it's... magic.
It's pretty amazing, and...
I mean, I have
the two best guys in the world.
-So I'm really happy.
-We're just so thrilled
to have-have
our own little bundle of joy,
um, and to be able to spend
some precious times with him
as he slowly-slowly starts
to grow up.
Aw, they're so sweet.
Although, I-I do have
to admit this, right--
I always find it weird
when people introduce
a new baby, right?
'Cause, if you think about it,
there's such a big contrast
between the end product
and how it was made, you know?
You know what I mean?
'Cause if we were honest,
it'd be like, "We-We're
really overjoyed to welcome
"this pure little miracle,
"the result
of our sweaty night of...
of just raw dogging.
#Blessed."
And it's especially weird,
because,
when it's the royals,
it's big news
that they did one of humanity's
most basic biological functions.
But that's what
having a baby is.
Just something your body does.
Something humans do.
It's like if there was
a front-page news story
and the headline was just
"Gary Farted."
But, uh, anyway,
welcome to the world,
little Archie.
And I know some people are
disappointed by the name Archie.
But there's one person
who's super excited, the queen.
Yeah. 'Cause you know,
for the last nine months,
she's been like,
"Please don't be Jamal.
"Please don't be Jamal.
Please don't be Jamal.
Please don't be Jamal."
(applause)
Still in international news,
it looks like the tensions
between Iran
and the United States
have reached
the tense-erest levels ever.
The U.S. is sending
a powerful message to Iran.
The USS Lincoln is heading
to the Persian Gulf region
after intelligence reports
suggest
Iran is preparing to strike
U.S. forces in the region.
REPORTER: The intelligence
 warned of attacks
 against American ships
 in the waters off Yemen
 and in the Persian Gulf itself,
 as well as against American
 troops in Iraq and Syria.
Holy shit.
This beef is escalating fast.
America is sending its Navy
to launch a potential strike
in Iran,
because America says
Iran is moving their weapons
in America's direction.
I must say though,
I do feel a little bit bad
for Iran.
Yeah, because every direction
is in America's direction.
Think about it.
America has bases
in all
these neighboring nations.
So no matter where you drive
your missiles,
you're threatening America.
Just like,
"I'm driving towards Bahrain."
"To our bases?"
"No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, I'm driving towards Iraq."
"To our bases?"
"Oh, okay, you know what,
we'll just stay here."
"In our future base?
Is that a threat?"
Seriously, U.S. troops
are everywhere.
I mean, they're in Bahrain.
Do Americans even know
what Bahrain is, huh?
I wouldn't be shocked
if some Americans think
Bahrain is the name of, like,
a '90s R&B singer, you know?
Be like,
"Do you know who it is?"
"Yeah, yeah. Ba'Rayne. Uh...
You know, Ba'Rayne had that song
that was like..."
♪ I can't stand Ba'Rayne ♪
Is that-- is that the one?
That's the one, right?"
So, as it stands,
America has intelligence
that Iran poses
a very credible threat,
and so they're going
to act on it.
And, as we know,
America's intelligence
has never led them into
the wrong wars in that region.
All right, let's move on.
Because, back here in America,
many people are refusing
to get vaccinated,
and one of those people
in Kentucky
just contracted a case of irony.
A Kentucky teenager
at the center
of a vaccination lawsuit
came down with the chicken pox.
 Jerome Kunkel filed the lawsuit
 after he refused
 to get vaccinated
 and was banned from playing
 on his school's
 basketball team.
 The teen's lawyer reportedly
 told The Cincinnati Enquirer
 that the 18-year-old
 was diagnosed last week
 and that he's
 "a little itchy."
Wow.
(laughter)
So, this kid in Kentucky
opposed a vaccine
on religious grounds,
and then he got chicken pox.
And even worse,
it wasn't just chicken pox.
He got
Kentucky fried chicken pox.
(laughter, groaning, applause)
