

Stephen Jennison-Smith © Copyright 1996, 2011, 2012

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6cndluo

A small robot somewhere in the Nebula galaxy. Named after the shortened web address of The Crying pennant. Does he speak. Nobody knows, he's covered in foam from his head to his nose.

Do robots have noses? If they are androids then they would have a nose to look human. Is he an android then? Ok, an android, then he can have a nose. What is he doing in the Nebula galaxy? Shouldn't he be closer to the earth, erth, erath whichever dimensional name this earth has? Why? Am I talking to myself? Yes. Oh. No one to talk about or to so you have to talk to yourself. Oh. I could talk to the robot. Android, I could speak to the android floating in space. "Hey you!"

The android looked lifeless.

Great, I am now speaking to a lifeless android as well as myself.

"Hey 6cndluo, can you hear me?"

There was a little spark in the eyes.

"Come on speak to me, what are you doing here?"

Another spark.

"Do you need me to look at you?"

Yet another spark.

How am I going to look at him? Do I reach inside the virtual universe with a pair of virtual hands and virtually fix him?

I didn't need to because 6cndluo sparked back into life.

"Are you speaking to me?" asked the android.

"Yes," I replied, "what are you doing out here floating in space, in the nebula galaxy of all places?"

"I will access my memory banks."

"Go on then."

"I am, calm down dear."

For a second it/he did nothing.

"Hurry up," said I, "I could be having a cup of coffee with my wife now!"

"I was in a space ship."

"Which dimension?"

"Science fiction."

"Right, carry on."

"And we were in a battle against the D'ark Lord's forces near the planet of Valusia."

"Yeas."

"I managed to get onto his battle cruiser, into his personal quarters then bang! I was here."

"Bang you say?"

"Well more of a weeweeeweeewee really."

"A weeweeeweeewee isn't really a bang, more like a weeweeeweeewee."

"That's all my memory banks can remember. I then went into shutdown mode to conserve my battery."

"Well then, what are you going to do now?"

"I don't know, by the way, who are you?"

"I am the Author, I was scouting around thinking of some way to advertise The Crying Pennant and I found you. An android with the name. Why are you named as you are? It's a bit of a coincidence isn't it?"

"My predecessor was 5cndluo."

"So you're one of a series then?"

"Yes."

"So it must have started with 1cndluo. I wonder what the cndluo bit means." I thought for a bit, "Campaign for nuclear disarmament like under owls?"

"I could tell you what it means so that you didn't have to make up stupid stuff."

"Go on then, what does it mean?"

"Computer numbered during loading up, (one)."

"One?"

"I don't know, that's what my first predecessor was called."

"So it was a temporary name then?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, that must have been the beginning factory number or something, a temporary name, he was number one. Why were you never named properly?"

"I am just a soldier, we are numbers. Meant to be shot at and destroyed."

"Well, I think you are worth having a name. I am going to name you Scandy."

"That sounds like a girl's name, or somebody from the real earth's Scandinavia."

"Do you want it or not?"

"Go on then. What are we going to do now?"

"I think I might introduce you into a bit of Flash Fiction."

"Isn't that what you've done now?"

"If you get too cocky with me I might leave you here."

"Sorry."

Just then, as if by happenchance, a Dravian freighter passed by.

"That was a good bit of happenchance," said Scandy as he was tractored aboard.

The Goblin Adventures

"Nah mate," said Ugbash.

"But why do goblins sound like Londoners? Do you think Tolkien thought of short grimy Londoners as goblins?"

"Maybe, woja wanna know that for?"

"I was thinking of writing a history of Cockney speaking peoples."

"That's a bit of a niche market innit?"

"Maybe, but I am sure it could hit a mass market."

"I've 'it a mass market before, the one in Gilkhag by Elkhag, me an' me goblin chums. Right mess we made. They 'ad to get the dwarf army to sort us out. I did get some nice things though, this nose ring, this slightly chipped meat cleaver, (it was made to look used for the fashionable goblin warrior look.)

"You said you were a goblin warrior, I've never seen you fight?"

"Well, we goblins do, we kinda lope around an' do strange high pitched noises and kind a sidle up to our enemy in a big gang."

"So, a bit like the goblins in Battle for Middle Earth II?"

"Never played that un, I prefer BFME I."

"Which faction do you like playing?"

"'Umans, they're the strongest."

"Who do you play against?"

"Pan Head, but 'e's a bit slow, and I always beat 'im. 'E always plays Isengard. Beats 'im easily I does."

"Isn't that a bit unfair?"

"'E's fick."

"That is a politically incorrect statement."

"I don't care, 'e is."

"You should say he's uneducated."

"Well 'e is, that's why 'e's fick."

"Right, I think I'm going to stop this interview before you get me into trouble."

Click.

"Right. Off mic now, how come that in the first book you spoke quite correctly but now you speak like a commoner?"

"It's because the Dark Lord has us speak that way for the hotel guests. We stay in persona sometimes."

"Oh right. Sorry, the mic was still on."

Click.

The Goblin Hunting Party 1

"I want squirk for tea," the Dark Lord asked of Major Bash, the hobgoblin commander of the goblins.

"Yes, my Lord," genuflected the hobgoblin as he retreated.

He went to the goblin guards' quarters. "Right you lot, I want a hunting party. Lord D'ark wants squink for tea."

"That sounds like a one eyed Pokemon," said Wibble.

"'E needs to change 'is exotic diet," said Ugbash, "it could cause bad health, even death."

"Yeah," said Wobble, "our bad health and death if he don't get it on time."

Ugbash took his meat cleaver, Pan Head his crossbow and the other four equipped their bows.

"Ow you gonna catch a squink with a meat cleaver?" asked Chop.

"I don't 'ave to," replied Ugbash, "I only 'ave to use it on you if you don't catch one."

Chop gulped.

"But what does squink look like?" inquired Wobble.

"Before or after it's cooked?"

"Either."

"Don't know, let's look in the second best bestiary."

Idunno flicked through the bestiary, "Sidh, Skink, Squink."

"There it is. What does it say?"

"It's got eight legs and it lives in the sea, it is an octopus," sang Idunno.

"Well, why do they call it a squink then if it's an octopus?" wondered Ugbash.

"Idunno," said Idunno. "It says here there's a land variety, one that comes up on shore and runs around."

"Well that's not going to be easy then, is it?" moaned Ugbash.

"We don't live near the sea," said Wibble, "an' the Dark Lord wants 'is vittles by tonight."

"Let's get the junk mobile out," suggested Idunno, "it needs a run."

They all went to the cluttered large shed where Idunno kept his junk mobile.

"You've got too much stuff in this shed Idunno," noted Ugbash.

Idunno got in the driver's seat, started the engine and drove straight through the door, his junkmobile covered in stuff.

"Whatever drops off I'll get rid of."

"What happens if the steering wheel drops off?" asked Pan Head.

"You can have it."

"Shouldn't we take high powered rifles?" inquired Chop.

"No," replied Ugbash, "the Dark Lord prefers things hunted in the old ways."

"I'm going to take one just in case," said Chop. "You've 'eard the joke about the chicken crossed with an octopus?"

"No, how did it taste?"

"No one could find out 'cause they couldn't catch it to eat it."

"I see your point," admitted Ugbash, "alright take the Vortex Viper PST 4-16x50mm FFP with the spotter's equipment."

All six goblins got into Idunno's junkmobile and set off for the nearest beach that had squink. While various things dropped off onto the road on the way.

The junk mobile burped and lurched, juddered and jolted over the badly tarmaced back roads. Idunno had gone the back way to Scumbleborough so that he would not alert the dwarf police. But, who should appear on his steam motorbike but a dwarven copper. Idunno pulled over to the side of the road.

"'Ello, 'ello, 'ello," said the dwarf policeman.

"Are you not talking to us three in the back?" asked Chop from the back seat.

"Now then my lads, I need to see your documents."

"What for officer, we weren't doing anything wrong?" said Ugbash who thought of himself as the group's leader.

"Think of yourself as the group's leader do you? Well you seem to have been dropping bits of your car, if that's what you call it, over the road."

"Naw, that's spare junk from my shed, not the car," advised Idunno.

"Ok, littering. We will say you were littering."

"I think you only pulled us over 'cause we're goblins," said Ugbash, "it's a racial stereotype thing. That's racial harassment."

"Now look," said the dwarf, "were you dropping things on the road or not?"

"Er, is that a trick question?"

"No, and I saw the stuff dropping off, so I will have to give you a fixed penalty notice for littering."

"Aww, how much is it?"

"70 gold coloured pieces."

"What, that's three weeks wages to us!"

"Three weeks," said the dwarf, "that's below minimum wage. Who do you work for?"

The goblins all looked at each other, "Er, the D..." said Wobble.

"The District Council," butted in Wibble.

"Oh well," remarked the dwarf, "if you're councillors then you must be upstanding members of society and my employers. So I'll let you be on your way. Good morning."

Idunno lurched off again leaving the policeman waving at them.

"Whew, that was close," whewed Ugbash. "Good idea Wibble, saying we were from the District council."

"Yeah, who would 'ave fought councillors would 'ave been as low paid as us."

They passed the Scumbleborough sign on the way in. It was summer so there were a lot of vehicles on the roads.

"Tourists," moaned Ugbash, "having to pass 10 caravans has really slowed us down. No wonder Jeremy Clarkson wants to blow them all up. They're like snails on Prozac."

Idunno parked near the sea front and they all walked to the beach.

"Ooh, can I go on the donkeys?" asked Pan Head.

"We're not here to play," griped Ugbash.

"Oh, please, please, please, please, please?" staccatoed Pan Head.

"Oh alright." Ugbash looked at Idunno, "You go with him on the donkeys, see he doesn't fall off. We'll try to find out where the squinks live."

Ugbash went up to a sunbathing elf. "Excuse me madam."

"I am a man," said the elf.

"Is the Author ever going to give up with that joke," thought Ugbash. "Sorry Sir, but could you tell me where we may find some squink."

"They sell it over there on the fish stall."

"Oh really, well, as a matter of fact, we were looking to hunt some."

"You need a hunting licence around here to hunt squink."

"Do you? How do you get one of those?"

"From the local council. It takes about 7 days to process it."

"We ain't got 7 days, we've got about 7 hours then we are for the chopping block." He then mumbled to himself, "I wish we were councillors then we could give ourselves a hunting licence in 7 minutes."

"Well, why don't you buy some from the fish stall?"

"If we don't catch none we may have to. Thanks mate." He looked at Chop as he walked away, "Did you hear that? We need a hunting licence."

"Yeah, if we were councillors then we could give ourselves a hunting licence in 7 minutes."

"I mumbled that to myself about a minute ago."

"So what if we don't 'ave a licence, we should hunts it anyway. Ask 'im where we can find some live ones."

"Er, excuse me mate," asked Ugbash as he turned back to the elf, "where do the squink run around?"

"There's a secluded cove about a mile down the beach, some can be found there."

"Thanks again," then Ugbash shouted at Pan Head, "Have you finished on that donkey yet?"

Pan Head, who was enjoying himself, just smiled back.

"He's as happy as a...(joke yet to be developed by the Author.)

"Let's watch the puppet theatre till he's finished," suggested Chop.

"Oh alright, it might be slightly amusing this time."

A small crowd had gathered around a puppet theatre and were listening to the antics of the puppets Joe and Joella. Joe began to speak in his low voice, "Don't you call me a liar Joella, otherwise I'll bless you."

"I haven't sneezed yet Joe," replied the high pitched voice of Joella.

"You will if I bless you with a brotherly slap round the nose."

"Violence breeds violence. I'll call the Sheriff of Scumbleborough."

"Oh no you won't."

And the crowd joined in, "Oh yes she will."

"Oh no you won't," said Joe again.

"Oh yes she will," replied the crowd.

"I don't believe this," said Ugbash, "I saw this same puppet theatre 19 years ago when the Author wrote it for The Crying Pennant. Can't Brother Lee think of anything else?" He then shouted, "Get some new jokes you yellow skinned wonder."

Brother Lee, the Chinese children's entertainer poked his nose out of the tassels that were his window just below the stage. "Is that you Ugbash, do you have to torture me wherever I go?"

"Get some new material then, it's 20 years old and it wasn't too funny then either."

Lee tried to continue with the performance. "That's it," Joella strumped "Sheriff, Joe's going to beat me."

"ooOOoo, Joe's going to beat me," heckled Ugbash, "let 'im do it, you're only a piece of wood stuck on a piece of cloth, it won't 'urt ya."

Joe fell to the stage floor, motionless and a few seconds later the sheriff came through the door.

"Now then, now then, now then. What have we here? A fight, a brawl, a breach of the peace or just a family dispute?" thundered the Sheriff.

"A family dispute," chorused all the goblins together.

Lee faltered a bit then as Joella he whined, "A family dispute."

"And I can guess who it is who is causing it, the goblins."

"Ooer," ooered Ugbash, "he's adlibbing. Can we cope with it?"

A large man, the father of two of the children watching, chastised the goblins, "Be quiet you goblin skinheads."

"Racist," spat Ugbash.

"You don't like it when you think you're being racially discriminated against but you are racists yourself."

"No, there's a difference, we are goblin supremacists."

"As I said goblin skinheads."

Ugbash started to square up to the man but the rest of the crowd gathered round their tall hero.

"Come on then lads," cried the self appointed leader, "we don't have to watch this rubbish any more." He turned to get Pan Head and Idunno. The crowd turned back to watch the end of Uncle Lee's Puppet Show.

The goblins whistled and sang, burped and scratched, as they walked to the secluded cove. When they got there the beach was empty, except for a pirate. The pirate had a wooden left leg, a hook on his left hand and an eye patch on his left eye.

"Arrgghh!" arrghed the pirate.

"Arrgghh!" arrghed the goblins back.

("This is playing havoc with my spell checker," said the Author to himself, so as not to disturb the action with a noisy intervention.)

"What ye be doin' on my beach?" asked the pirate.

"We's come to hunt squink," said Ugbash.

"Squink are dangerous ya know, all my disabilities have been caused by the little monsters."

"Why are they so dangerous?" asked Ugbash.

"They pretend to be dead when you shoot them, then attack."

"Are you saying one was so big it bit your leg off?"

"No, it bit my leg and it went septic so I 'ad to 'ave it off."

"So, are you really a pirate then? I know the Author described you as one but if you have received all of your injuries from squink then aren't you really an unfortunate squink hunter?"

"That's right, I suppose I am. Anyway, it's easier to scare people off my beach if they think I'm a dreaded pirate rather than a disabled hunter."

"So when do the squink come up onto the beach?" asked Idunno.

"They come up twice a day. You've missed the morning lot. You'll have to wait another couple o hours till the next lot come up."

"What're we gonna do for two hours?" asked Chop.

"You could come back for a cuppa at my hunting lodge."

"Well that's real nice Mister scary hunter/pirate," said Ugbash.

"While you are there you can help me with some chores."

"As long as it's not cleaning the toilet and washing the urinals," said Pan Head, "I have to do them all the time in the goblin's guard quarters."

"I do need help with the toilet," said the pirate/hunter, "I can't get the lime scale off, I've snapped my toilet brush hand attachment."

"Oh alright," relented Pan Head, "I'm used to doing it for the Dark Lord."

The pirate/hunter's house was nestled in between some rocks half way up the cliffs overlooking the cove. In his garden there was dead squink drying on racks and a gnome fishing in the pond.

"Oi," said the pirate/hunter, "stop fishing in my pond, you little fish thief."

The gnome scampered away.

"What's your name by the way?" asked the Author. "I don't want to be calling you pirate/hunter all the way through the story. It's too long to write."

The pirate/hunter looked round, "Was that you who said that?" he asked of Ugbash.

"No, it was the Author."

"Oh, well I thought he would have known my name seeing as he is just about to make it up," said...Donald!

"Donald!" exclaimed Ugbash.

"I never said it," said Donald, "the Author said it. If it was up to me I'd be called Dread Beard or something like that."

"Ok, we'll call you Dread Beard," said Chop, "what's so dreadful about your beard though, apart from the style?"

"It can kill a carrot at 2 paces."

"How's that?"

"I'm related to Chuck Norris."

"Eh?"

"Never heard of the Chuck Norris joke? What does Chuck Norris have under his beard?"

"No?"

"Another fist!" said the newly renamed Dread Beard as he chuckled out loud.

The goblins didn't get it, but the gnome, who was listening at the window, laughed out loud. Dread Beard threw a boot at the gnome who again scampered off.

Dread Beard put the kettle on the open fire and then attached his long fork hand attachment.

"Why are you doing that?" asked Chop.

"You want crumpets don't you?" replied Dread Beard.

Chop looked above the fire at Dread beard's collection of hand attachments. "What are they all used for?" he inquired.

"That one's my cappuccino attachment, it's got a battery in the stem to whip the milk up." He then pointed to the scissors, "I can use them like Edward Scissorhands, won prizes for my topiary, I 'ave. Then there's the bear claw like Han from enter the Dragon."

"Are you as good as him at Shaolin Kung Fu?" asked Wobble.

"No but I can kill a carrot from 2 paces with my beard."

"Didn't you just do that joke?"

"Aww, well then, something else witty erm... I can Wing Chung with the best of 'um." He then looked back at the wall, "The spike is for when I'm doing my accounts, and the sword is for when I'm pirating with me old mates on the Blue Banana."

"What's the hand for?" asked Wibble.

"That's from the science fiction dimension and the batteries are wearing down so I don't use it much only when I fight with a light sabre."

After he made them some crumpets and they ate them and drank their tea, Dread Beard exclaimed,

"Most quinteemerable!"

"What does that mean?" asked Ugbash.

"I don't know, it sort of just came upon me, like the Author had had a dream with it in."

"What can it mean?" asked Idunno.

"Shall we ask him?" Dread Beard turned his face towards the window, "what does it mean Author?"

"Idunno."

"Yes Author?" inquired Idunno.

"No, I meant I don't know, I'm sorry I shouldn't have been so slovenly with my speech. I was thinking that the beginning had something to do with the number five, quint, maybe, or a bit like quintessential."

"Fancy getting us to use a word even you don't know what it is," burbled Ugbash.

"Well help me then, let's decide what it means together," said I.

"We'll say quint means five," said Idunno, "and teem could be like rain teeming down."

"So what have we got so far?" asked the Author, "five times raining fast? What about the erable?"

"That's us lot innit? said Wobble. The others looked at him, "Well, we're a rabble in't we?"

The others all picked up the cushions they were sitting on and threw them at Wobble, who began to wobble.

"As a whole," said Dread Beard, "I think it should mean something like a most enjoyable and convivial experience'. And by the way, unless you pick up all of these cushions now, I will put on my sword attachment and show you why they call me the terror of the seven coves."

The goblins fell over themselves picking up and dusting off the cushions.

"Now you have tidied up for me why don't you look at the other collections I have amassed over the years," said Dread Beard, "boats in bottles, things I have hunted and scrimmage."

"Scrimmage?" said Wibble, "Ain't that summin' t' do wiv rugby?"

"Noooo, it's carving on walrus tusk." He grabbed a piece from a shelf, "This piece tells the story of me hunting my first squink."

"It looks like you caught it in a cave," noted Idunno.

"Arr, that be true," said Dread Beard.

"Yes it is, not that be true," remarked Ugbash.

"You have your idiosyncratic way of speaking so don't criticize me for mine, especially as I have just given you tea and crumpets. And I'm sure that a similar joke was in Blackadder II somewhere."

"Was Blackadder a goblin?"

"No, but he acted like one."

"Good feller then, you'll have to lend me the DVD's."

"I don't know you that well." Just then a bell rang from the garden, "The Squink are up."

The goblins scrambled over themselves trying to get their gear for the hunt. When they got outside they saw the gnome ringing the bell.

"Thanks Noggit," said Dread Beard, "you can fish in my pond for now, but don't catch anything."

The gnome smiled as the goblins filed onto the beach then he went into the house to finish the leftover tea and crumpets.

"He is a cheeky little gnome," Dread Beard said to himself, "but useful sometimes."

Firing their arrows at the squink the goblins all missed and the squink, realising they were being fired at, all started to flee to the other end of the beach. Ugbash and the others started to run after them.

"The pirate/hunter shouted after them, "You don't want to be runnin' after squink, you'll be runnin' all day. No, you need to trick the squink into thinking you're their favourite bit of food."

"What's that then?" asked Ugbash.

"Ratatouille," replied Dread Beard.

"That sounds like the name of the elf in the Dark Lord's factory in book 2."

"No, that's Ratamatouii."

"I said sounds like."

"Oh."

"How did you figure out ratatouille was their favourite food?"

"I had some in my left hand when one bit it off."

"Maybe they just liked your hand."

"Nooo, they spat my hand out afterwards. I now regularly cook Ratamatouii and leave it in my squink traps."

"Ratatouille you mean?"

"Yes, well I wouldn't mean I cut up and left the elf from book two in the traps now would I. He'd all be used up after a few days of trap baiting. Besides the squink don't like elves."

"Neither do we, they are like thin beardless pansy dwarves but they smell a bit better. Why didn't you tell us you had traps? It would have made things a lot easier."

"I haven't cooked any extra ratamatouii, I mean ratatouille, I caught all mine this morning."

"Can't you mix up a quick batch for us?"

"You?"

"So's we can catch the squink."

"Use the sniper rifle with the scope, you'll be able to take one down from a mile away with that thing."

"But we wanted to at least try to get one with a bow and arrow first."

"You could try sneaking. If you get behind them you could pick one off before you scare them back into the sea."

"Will it work?"

"No, but it'll be good for a laugh."

"We need a plan," suggested Ugbash.

"We need some ratatouille," said Wobble.

"Let's just shoot it with the sniper and cover the hole up. We're goblins, we're supposed to be deceitful and dishonest," proffered Wibble.

"Being deceitful and dishonest is all very well until you get caught," reminded Ugbash.

"Well, are we going to sneak or what?" asked Chop.

"I tell you what," suggested Idunno, "why don't we get two of us..."

"Which two?" inquired Wobble.

"It doesn't matter. Get two of us..."

"No really, which two, because I don't want to be one of the two."

"We'll do it by drawing lots," said Ugbash. "Now carry on Idunno."

"Two of us can sneak to the other end of the cove and then scare the squink up towards the others. We shoot our arrows into the mass of them coming towards us."

"What happens if they don't stop and start attacking us?" enquired Wobble.

"I'm sure the four of us can kill a few running octopuses."

"Octopi," corrected Wibble.

"No, octopuses," re-corrected Wobble.

"Well, actually it can be octopi, octopuses or octopodes if you look in the Cowford English Dictionary," over-corrected Idunno.

"Didn't we show honour on the field of battle against the dwarf and elf army in the third goblin war?" prompted a roused Ugbash.

"If you mean we didn't run away then I suppose we did," offered Chop.

"But, as Dread Beard said, these squink can 'urt you," wittered Pan Head.

"So can I," threatened Ugbash, "with my meat cleaver. Now let's do what Idunno suggested." Ugbash picked six blades of grass, two short and four long. Pan Head and Idunno picked the short straws.

"Yay, I got a short one," said Pan Head.

"That's not good," said Wobble, "that means you gotta sneak."

Pan Head gurned a little.

"Right you two," said Ugbash, "get sneaking and make sure when you get to the other end you make a loud enough noise."

Idunno and Pan Head kept close to the cliff face and tried to hide among the sparse grass cover as they picked their way over the boulders and small dunes towards the sunbathing squink.

"I wonder if they use a lotion of any kind?" wondered Pan Head.

"Salt water I should think," replied Idunno.

"What factor is that?"

Idunno just looked back at Pan Head as they managed to make their way behind the squink. "We'll go on 3," he suggested.

"What, 1,2 go on 3 or 1, 2 ,3, go!"

"1, 2, 3, go."

Pan Head stood up and Idunno pulled him down quickly. "What are you doing?" asked Idunno.

"You said 1, 2, 3, go!"

"I said we'll go on 1, 2, 3, go!"

"Oh, shall we try it again?"

"Ok, 1, 2, 3, go!" they both stood up and started to clap and shout. The startled squink started to run to the other end of the cove; some ran back into the sea.

Pan Head sand, I mean sang, "Running squink, you stink, I'll wink, you ink," as he inked, I mean winked.

"I don't think..."

"I know you don't."

"No, I don't think squink ink themselves I think squid and octopi do."

"I don't think pink squink ink, wink, sink or eat zinc," rhymed Pan Head as they looked towards the other end of the beach.

The four goblins stood up. "Ready, aim, fire," ordered Ugbash.

"'E's been watchin' Zulu again 'e 'as," spat Wobble as three arrows sped towards three or more squink to the throes of O Fortuna by Carl Orff. (The author was listening to it because he wanted to know what the main tune was in Excalibur for the fourth book.) First one then two struck their mark. The charging squink looked as though they were going to overrun the goblins position but, at the last minute, they all but an injured one fled into the sea. The injured one started to crawl towards the sea. Ugbash leapt up and ran towards it waving his meat cleaver. He started to bring the cleaver down on its head, but it slyly tripped him with one of its tentacles. As he was flailing around on the floor it went in for the attack. Chop, who was just behind fired another arrow and killed it. "What about their legs, they look tasty?" he quoth.

"Thanks Chop," thanked Ugbash. "I see you're quoting from the goblins in Lord of the Rings again."

"It is difficult though to come up with a heroic goblin quote from the films," he replied.

"I know people go on about us and our attitude but look at the role models we have to base ourselves on."

"I don't believe it," said Dread Beard, "you killed one with arrows. I stopped trying to shoot them years ago and started trapping them instead."

"Oi, you two," Ugbash directed Wibble and Wobble, "pick it up and carry it off the beach."

"Is it really dead?" asked a quivering Wobble.

"Stop quivering Wobble and do as I say."

Wibble and Wobble carried/dragged it to the rocks just below the pirate/hunter's cottage. Idunno and Pan Head had made their way back by this time.

"Idunno," called Ugbash.

"What?"

"You and Chop go for the junk mobile while we rest here."

Chop grumbled under his breath, "I shoot the blummin umma and I've got to walk to the stupid car."

"Here," said Ugbash as he threw them some coins, "buy yourselves an ice cream."

Chop stopped grumbling as he picked the money up.

"Do you want another cuppa while you wait?" asked Dread Beard.

"Why that would be most quinteemerable my good Captain. You were a pirate captain weren't you?"

"Noooo, the cook, but I like the ring of captain. Captain Dread Beard."

"The scourge of the seven galleys," quipped Pan Head.

"Aye I was that lad. Ne'er a shipmate would enter my galley for fear of a fillet knife between their ribs."

"I must say," said Ugbash, "you do have a colourful way of talking."

"You're not bad at colouring your speech either," said Dread Beard as he led them back into his home.

Idunno and chop got back to the junk mobile, "Awww, stupid dwarf copper!" grumbled Idunno.

"What's the matter?" asked Chop.

"We've got a parking ticket. I don't want to have to shell out for a ticket," he got a black pen out and changed the number plate on the ticket. "Here Chop, put this on that car over there."

Chop took the ticket and surreptitiously placed it under the car's windscreen wiper. "I bet the Author couldn't spell that without looking at Google," he noted.

"What?" asked Idunno.

"Surretipisly,"

"He might not be able to spell it, but you can't even say it."

"Maybe not but at least I did it!"

They both got into Idunno's vehicle and drove to the cove. But before they did Chop reminded Idunno that they had not bought an ice cream yet. So before they drove to the cove they stopped at an ice cream vendor who was parked at the side of the road.

"Hello," said the ice cream vendor, "what would you like?"

"99," said Chop.

"A 99 or 99 ice creams?" inquired the vendor.

"A 99 mate, I've only got 4 gold coloured coins."

"And what will it be for you?" asked the vendor of Idunno.

"Oooh, have you got a Creamy Dreamy lolly ice."

"Ice lolly."

"I say lolly ice."

"No."

"I can say lolly ice if I want."

"You may be able to but we haven't got any."

"Aww, alright then I'll have a...." said Idunno as he looked at all of the stickers on the ice cream vendor's van. "Can I have a Dream Bar?"

"Sorry mate, they only make them in the science fiction dimension on the planet of Zeta."

"Oh, I felt sure you'd have one. I'll have a 99 then with nuts and monkey blood."

"You mean nuts and raspberry sauce."

"Of course."

The ice cream vendor began to sing as he scooped the ice cream out, "I've got some fun in de sun, with a little tickle on the tum, I've got some fun in de su-un."

"Do you always sing when you're scooping ice cream?" asked Chop.

"Yes, I thought I was going to be a singer so I sing while I scoop and scoop while I sing."

"You ought to go on X factory, the singing ice cream man."

"I don't think Simon Cowpat likes ice cream and he certainly wouldn't like my singing."

"Well thanks anyway mate," said Idunno, "keep singing, you might make it one day."

"Cya," went Chop.

"Bye," went the ice cream man as he sang another song to himself.

Chop and Idunno got back in the junk mobile and they both started to eat their ice creams.

"Nice this," said Chop, "reminds me of when I was a kid a hundred years ago."

"Did they have ice cream then?"

"They have had ice cream as long as they have ice."

"I should have known that, seeing as I am the educated one." He started up the vehicle then passed his ice cream to Chop, "Here hold this a minute." He rocked it into gear and set off for the cove.

Once the junk mobile had turned up at the cove Ugbash ordered Wibble and Wobble to load the dead squink onto the front of the car.

"This reminds me of the Deer Hunter," said Wibble.

"Or Who Killed Bambi by the Sex Pistols," offered Wobble.

"Yeah I like punk, it's got an edge."

"But I thought we were skin heads? That means we're supposed to like things like the Skinhead Moon Stomp."

"Stop trying to live the stereotype, just be my twin, be original!"

"But I am like you so I can't be original."

"I wish we had a mum and weren't born in a goblin pit. That's one thing that Tolkien was right about, clones and growing goblins in big steaming vats."

"Vats what I was going to say."

"We're so much alike we even finish each others..."

"Sentences?"

"I was going to say ice creams."

They tied the squink on with four of its legs and let the others dangle down.

"Oeoer," said Idunno, "It looks like the junk mobile is being eaten by a squink."

"We should be able to scare children and little old ladies crossing the road now," suggested Chop, "without smiling at them."

They made their way away from the cove and on to the back road again. "Is that a speed bump?" observed Ugbash.

"No, it's a sleeping policeman," replied Idunno.

"It looks like the dwarf copper has had too many doughnuts and fallen asleep on the road on the job."

"We might wake him up and then he will see that we have a squink on the front of the junk mobile and know we've been hunting without a licence," wittered Wobble.

"Stop wittering Wobble, Wibble stop him wittering and wobbling."

"I wasn't wobbling," wobbled Wobble.

"You are now."

Wibble cuddled Wobble to try to calm him down and sang, "Wibble de wibble de wobble," gently in Wobble's ear.

"Brotherly love," commented Chop.

"Yeah," said Idunno, "they were both in the same batch. Wasn't that one that went a bit wrong? I think I remember that that particular batch had something genetically wrong with it. Instead of there being the usual cutthroats, murderers and thieves there were unusually poets, writers and artists."

"Are you calling Wibble a poet?" asked Ugbash, "With what he's singing now I would say that there was nothing wrong with the batch." He looked back at the road, "Can you go up on the verge a bit?"

Idunno tried to skirt the drowsy dwarf by going up on the verge but he got stuck.

"Aww," moaned Ugbash, "what's the matter with this stupid junk mobile. It's a piece of junk if you want to ask me."

The dwarf policeman stirred a little.

"He's stirring a little," mentioned Pan Head.

"And without a spoon," joked Chop.

"Stop joking Chop," ordered Ugbash, "and help us push the junky junk mobile."

The other five goblins pushed as hard as they could on the junk mobile which gradually got dislodged from the verge.

"It's those extendable arm thingies you have on the sides that got stuck in the verge," noticed Ugbash, "what are they for anyway?"

"Idunno," said Idunno, "they were already on the vehicle when I bought the frame from the scrap yard. I think they add a certain je ne sais quois to the vehicle."

"As if junk can have a certain je ne sais quois whatever that means."

"I do not know what."

"Oh, you don't either then."

"No it means 'I do not know what,' meaning it has an indefinable certain something that you can't describe."

"I can describe it, it's a piece of junk."

The car backfired as Ugbash spoke.

"There there Petunia," calmed Idunno as he stroked the dashboard.

"PETUNIA!" exclaimed Ugbash, "what a stupid name."

The car burbled and backfired again.

"If you don't stop insulting her you'll wake the sleeping policeman up," warned Idunno.

Ugbash crossed his arms and grimaced as they continued on to the Dark Lord's castle.

The Dark Lord's castle loomed in the distance as it started to rain. "Just our luck," said Ugbash, "a nice day so far and we get drenched at the end."

"At least it'll wash the dust off the squink," said Idunno as he drove through the servant's entrance. He drove up to the back kitchen door.

"Come on then, let's get it off," ordered Ugbash.

Wibble, Wobble, Pan Head and Chop all untied a leg as the rain siled down.

"That's a bit of a colloquialism isn't it Author?" noted Ugbash.

Wibble and Wobble drag/carried it into the kitchen to the chef.

Chef Thumper looked at the bedraggled goblins with their fare, "What's this then?"

"Squink for the Dark Lord's evening dinner," said Ugbash as he wiped the rain from his face.

"Ahh, very good, but Lord D'ark wanted squirk not squink. Didn't you read the first line of this story?"

"Major Bash told us 'e wanted squink!" exclaimed Idunno.

"Well that's as maybe, but he got it wrong. Lord D'ark wants squirk for his tea."

"That means were for the chop," said Chop.

"You're lucky son," said the chef, "the Major realised his error and hunted one himself locally. I'm roasting it now." He looked over to the spit where there was a boar like animal, a bit like a targ, roasting.

"Whew," whewed Ugbash, "that was close."

"I'll be able to cook the squink for your tea if you wish," said Thumper as he thumped Ugbash in the arm.

Ugbash grimaced again, "Ok then, as long as we can have ice cream afterwards."

"And I don't have to clean the urinals," said Pan Head, "at least until tomorrow."

So they all waited for an hour and a half then ate roast squink with chives and ice cream for afters.

Goblin Space Marines

Somebody, we don't know who, had managed to stop the black hole eating all of the surrounding planets near the meteor field where Arthur and the others used to have their space base placed in the second book.

Lord D'ark's chocolate empire of evil was no more but there was still a big presence of D'ark's hirelings and soldiers who were fiercely loyal to what was left of his company. Though his company had folded he had secret funds stashed away that the new triumvirate could use to maintain the large amount of personnel who relied on D'ark Corp for a living. The triumvirate wanted to increase it's holdings through war and not by business as it had done in the past. A Goblin space marine platoon, led by Sergeant Grimly of the 440th Death's Nose Battalion, had been sent to attack an elven listening outpost that guarded a valuable trade route. His platoon consisted of six space marines, Bip, Bop and Battam, Ugz, Bugz and Tongs. Bip was the pilot of the interstellar shuttle and he had brought it in to land about a mile from the listening post rather bumpily.

"That was rather bumpily," noted Bop, "Why do we have to be so far away?"

"Talk proper," said the Sergeant, "rather bumpier. Besides we need a bit of a slog to keep ourselves fit, and an interstellar shuttle landing on the listening base would definitely tip them off," replied the Sergeant.

"I'd rather blow up the base from the air than have to shoot my way through a pile of smarmy elves," moaned Tongs.

"Why did you become a goblin space marine then Tongs? You don't seem to have any fight in you."

"I think my profile was mixed up with somebody else's, I wanted to be lumberjack, swinging from tree to tree."

"Monty Python reference noted. I'll see if I can get you a transfer to the D'ark logging division."

"But that would mess up the funny pronunciation of our names. It would no longer be Bip, Bop, Battam, Ugz, Bugz and Tongs."

"I'll have to get an aptly named goblin clone to replace you. Let me think," he thought for a moment, "Lugz the big eared one?"

"Hugs the tree friendly one," suggested Bop.

"Smugz the smarmy one," thought Bip.

"Thugz the violent one," opted Battam, "I like Thugz, he's nearly as violent as me."

"Or you could have Suggs from Madness," said Tongs, "it might be good to have somebody on the team who can actually sing."

"Ooh, that's a bit of a stretch to try and make that one fit, besides, I don't think his recording contract would let him come into this dimension and there's probably a clause in it saying he can't go to war against elves. Recording contracts have obscure legalities within them. Like the one about gauze in a chocolate factory," warbled Grimly.

"Clauses for gauzes?" tried to pun Ugz.

"You were trying to pun horses for courses there and it didn't quite work did it, young fellow me chap?"

"Er Bugz tried, but me just want to kill elves, me is getting bored. Please let me kill elves?"

When they had got to within 50 feet of the listening post they saw the bunker entrance close.

"Oh no," said Sergeant Grimly, "it seems like they've heard us."

"Well it is a listening post," said Tongs, "so maybe somebody was listening."

Grimly looked at the bunker, "It seems to be pretty impregnable. Have we got any heavy weapons with us?"

"Rocket launcher?" suggested Bop.

"OK, aim it at the door but get a bit closer first."

Bop went to within 10 feet of the door.

Grimly stood up, "Not that close. We want you to bust the bunker not the bunker to bust you!"

Bop retreated 30 feet and looked back at Grimly and Grimly gestured his approval. "Maybe I should have let him do it from 10 feet. It might have knocked some sense into him," grimaced Grimly.

"It might have knocked him into little pieces," said Bip.

Bop fired the rocket and was still knocked over by the blast. When the dust had settled there was not a scratch on the bunker door.

"Must be made of tritanium," thought Bip.

"Must be," agreed Bugz.

Grimly looked to the others, "What have we got on the ship?"

"Nothing," said Ugz, "but the ship does fire tortion rounds."

"Oh yeah, they were mentioned in the second book weren't they. I don't think they're heavy duty enough."

"Not like you Sergeant," quipped Tongs.

"I am portly not fat!" he retorted.

"Let's use Battam as a battering ram. He's got a head as hard as nails," said Ugz.

"Unless he's got a head as hard as tritanium then he won't do," rued Grimly.

"I've got some plastic explosives," announced Bugz.

"C4?"

"We don't call it that in this dimension. It's called Crumbly Bumbly 4."

"Sounds more like a dessert," noted Grimly, "will it work?"

"The amount I've got could blow the brains off a biscuit."

"When did biscuits get brains? That's a little too surreal for me, but if you think it'll work then have a go."

Bugz attached the Crumbly Bumbly 4, which we now call C4 to the central part of the door.

"It's Crumbly Bumbly Author not C4," chastened Bugz.

As I should have said before, Bugz attached Crum Bumb 4 to the door.

Bugs sighed a little but set the charge.

"How far back do we have to stand?" asked Grimly.

"50 feet should do."

They stayed where they were and were joined by Bugz who pressed a button on the hand control to detonate the charge. They all ducked and were covered in dust and dirt. When they looked up they had blown a huge hole in the ground in front of the bunker door, but the door remained unscratched.

"I think you would have had more effect if you had used my Mother-in-law's apple crumble instead," declared Grimly. He thought for a moment, "Well I'm stumped now, ideas anyone?"

Tongs spoke up, "What about putting some gas down the air intakes? It should choke them out."

"Good idea," remarked Grimly, "but I don't suppose the air intakes will be easy to find, not like in 'Escape from Athena'."

"We've only got smoke grenades," warned Bip. "They also may have contingencies for such an attack."

"Contingencies, contingencies, I wish we had contingencies," grimbled Grimly. "Alright, three groups of two, scout for the air vent/s. I'll stay here to see if any pointy eared folk stick their heads out of the door. Keep comms on so I can call you back if needed. Go."

Bip teamed up with Bop, Ugz with Bugz and Battam with Tongs. They split up in a triangular pattern. Bip and Bop went to the North.

"What we looking for Bip?" asked Bop.

"Maybe something like a metal tube sticking out of the ground, although it might be disguised."

"What as, a rabbit?"

"No, maybe a rock."

"Brighton Rock?"

"A nasty brutish little film that."

"I was making a joke, I meant the hard sugar confectionary."

"So was I, I was pretending you meant the film with Sir Richard Attenborough in it."

"He wasn't a Sir at the time though was he?"

"It doesn't matter, he became one subsequently so the correct form of social etiquette is to call him Sir."

"How come you're up on your etiquette and social interactions?"

"I was trained to be a house goblin in the fantasy dimension before I joined the marines. I've served on Lords and Ladies, Counts and Countesses."

"Barons and Baronesses?"

"Yes."

"Viscounts and Viscountesses?"

"Yes."

"Ducks and Duckesses?"

"Yes, yes. I mean no. Surely you mean Dukes and Duchesses?"

"Do I? I get muddled up with my terms of nobility. I was trained to be a boxer."

"Was it any good?"

"They made me bite people and live in a kennel."

"Did they think you were a boxer dog?"

"I suppose so. Their pay was terrible but you could sleep all day unless you had to bite someone."

Just then they came upon an unusual looking tree.

"This suspiciously looks like a camouflaged vent to me," thought Bip.

"It just looks like an unusual looking tree to me."

"Well let's see if it is. If it is then it will have some form of protection, a force field, an electric field."

Bop touched the unusual looking tree and was hurled to the ground by an electric shock.

"Well, now we know we've found an air vent. Thank you Bop."

"N..n..no problem," said Bop, his hair standing on end.

"You couldn't do that again could you Bop?"

"N...n...no."

"I was joking really. Now we need to think of a way we can discharge or bypass an energy field."

"Can't we just throw the smoke canister down the hole?"

"It's protected with the force field. I know what, we'll link your pulse weapon up to it. It'll charge your weapon and reduce the field."

"Why mine?"

"I had the idea."

"What if I had the idea?"

"You would have as much an idea to bypass an energy field using a pulse weapon and a pair of dog tags as a tagged dog trying to charge a bypass in a field of pulses owned by an electricity company."

"That might have been a little bit funny if it had not been so contrived. Anyway, we don't use dog tags, we all have bar codes."

"I keep a set of dog tags on me in case we ever get stuck in the war dimension." Bip took Bop's pulse weapon off him, laid it as near to the field as he dared, then breached the gap with dog tags, "Ok, put the canister down the hole."

"Why me?"

"Because you keep asking 'Why me?'"

Grumpily Bop pulled the ring on the smoke canister and threw it into the vent leading into the air distribution system of the listening post, "Chocks away!"

The canister clattered and bumped, diddled and thumped down the vent. The sound got quieter. Then, after a few seconds, the sound got louder until a crab bot leapt out of the vent carrying the heavily smoking canister.

"I thought that would be too young to smoke," coughed Bop.

"Cough, cough," coughed Bip, "we need to get out of here, pick your pulse weapon up."

As Bop picked up his weapon he got another big jolt which threw him to the floor again. The crab bot sat on his chest and as he tried to get up it gave him a minor electric shock. "Shoot the thing Bip," he cried as it shocked him again.

"I can't, it's too close to you, if I hit it, it might explode on you and you'll have no chest."

"D...d...do sss...sssomething," said the yet again shocked Bop.

Bip picked up a rock and hurled it at the crab bot, who moved just before it hit. Instead the rock hit Bop on the head, "Owww, you're supposed to kill IT not ME!"

A waft of smoke blew over Bop. Bip tried to fan it away then bashed the crab bot off Bop's chest.

"Arrgh!" Bop cried, "it was still attached."

"Big baby," said Bip, "you're supposed to be a goblin space marine, 'Brave and tough we're good and rough' is the motto of the 440th."

"I feel good and roughed up at the moment."

"Pull yourself together man."

"I'm not a pair of curtains."

"Pull yourself up by your bootstraps."

"That's a paradox."

"Get a grip."

"What of?"

"Your pulse weapon to begin with, it's not near the electric field anymore."

"Are we going to chuck another one down the vent?"

"Naw, they've probably got an army of those crab things and we've only got two more smoke grenades."

As he said that they both heard a lot more banging and rattling from the vent than they had heard before."

"Run," cried Bip. So they both ran towards the listening outposts main door as an army of crab bots started to spill from the vent.

Sergeant Grimly spoke through the comm system, "What's going on with you two? All I can make out is that you two are being attacked by what appears to be an army of crab bots."

"Yes sir," replied Bip, "and they're coming your way."

"Why are they coming my way?"

"They are following us."

"Well that's not good enough, lead them away."

"But Sir, they are fast and if they overtake us there are too many for us to fight. They will overwhelm us and kill us."

"You're only clones aren't you? If need be die with honour."

"But Sir..."

"That's an order. Over and out. By the way switch your comms off, I don't want to hear your death screams. That's also an order."

"Yes sir," cried Bip in a mock American soldier's accent. He looked back at Bop as he turned off his comm. Signalling to follow him he pointed the way back to the ship. All the while they were being chased by the crab bot army.

Bip and Bop ran to the ship fighting the crab bots off as they went. When they got to within fifty feet of the ship Bip turned his comm device on, "Shields up."

The ships shields came on and protected them from the bulk of the crab bots. Ten had got through though and five of them were attacking Bop by leaping on him. He pulled two off but the others started clinging to his legs, "I...I...I've had a shocking day so far," he juddered.

Bip crushed two, shot three others then went over to Bop to remove the last three. "Be gentle," asked Bop, "I feel a little fragile."

Bip set his pulse weapon to stun and shot three times removing the offending crab bots. They fell off in a confused state and started running round in circles. Bop fired five times on full power and blew the remaining crab bots up.

"Why didn't you use stun when one was on my chest earlier?"

"I didn't know if it would work, I might have made it angrier."

"Why'd you take a chance now then?"

"They were only your legs, if the bots had blown up and injured them badly you could have had some bionic ones like Grimly."

"They haven't made him better, stronger or faster. He still moves like a hedgehog in a Velcro factory."

They both clambered into the ship. Bip closed the door.

"What are you two doing on the ship?" asked Sergeant Grimly, "I thought I ordered you to switch your comms off."

"We have just escaped from the crab bot army by using our brains, well my brains actually."

"You should have used your pulse weapons instead of your brains. Things can go wrong when you use your brains."

"Well things went right this time. Any orders Sir?"

"See if you can use the ship to bypass the electric field."

"I've already done it once using some dog tags and Bop's weapon, I suppose I could use an anti-phasic grenade."

"Have you got one?"

"No, but I'll make it out of..."

"Cream cheese and marmalade?" wondered Bop.

"No Bop," said Bip, "that is why you do the fighting and me the thinking. I think those crab bots have made your thinking processes worse than usual. I'll make it out of a stun grenade and one of the anti-phasing shield generators on the ship."

"Good boy Bip, remind me to give you a commendation when we get back to base," said Grimly, "if it works of course."

"Have the others found any more air intakes?" inquired Bip.

"They don't seem to. I'll call then back before they get too far away." He spoke to Battam, Tongs, Ugz and Bugz.

"Ok you four,

Get back to the door,

Bip is going to,

Even the score."

"Nice rhyme Sir," said Tongs, "Do you really want us to return or were you joking?"

"Try not coming back and see," threatened Grimly.

Before Bip had had had had had, (bash - mental aberration), had been able to take off, he saw a ribbon in the sky.

"What a dress ribbon? What significance does such a small thing have on this story?" elucidated Bip.

"No silly," chided the Author, "a cosmic ribbon, like the one they had in Star Trek Generations."

"Does that mean we will meet Kirk and Guinan? Or even Picard?"

"How much money do you think I have to be able to pay out royalties like that!" baulked the Author. "No just a normally abnormal ribbon matrix that will not take you into the Nexus but somewhere else."

"Aww, tell us where Mr. Author Sir? Please, please, please, please, please?"

The Author did not tell them they, and their ship, just vanished when it was hit by the ribbon.

They appeared in the fantasy dimension on the road to Scumbleborough where the ice cream vendor was, just after Idunno and Chop had left.

"Nice vehicle that," said the ice cream vendor, "not a wreck like the last customer's I served."

"Thanks," said Bip, "by the way where are we?"

"On the road to Scumbleborough."

"No. I mean in which dimension are we?"

"Fantasy?"

"It doesn't look much like the fantasy dimension to me," thought Bip, "I can't see any elves or dwarves."

"Can we get an ice cream Bip?" asked bop, "all those electric shocks have made me quite hungry."

"How are we going to pay for it?" asked Bip.

"Give him some credits."

"Do you take credits mate?" Bip enquired of the ice cream vendor.

"No, only gold coloured coins," replied the vendor.

"Will you trade something?"

"What like?"

"A smoke grenade?"

"What would I use that for?"

"Smoking out customers from enclosed spaces like public houses and dens of iniquity."

"Got anything else?"

"Emergency rations?"

"I have enough of my wife's rations thank you very much."

"What about some dog tags from the war dimension."

"I am a Second World War aficionado. Let's take a look."

Bip felt inside his battle armour and retrieved the dog tags. He handed them to the ice cream vendor who scrutinised them carefully. "Ok then," said the vendor, "What do you want?"

"Two Dream Bars."

"That's funny; you're the second goblin today to ask me for some of those. Sorry though, they only make then in the science fiction dimension."

"Well that's where we come from."

"You'll have to choose something else."

"Ok," said Bip, "two 99's with all the trimmings."

"What monkey blood and nuts?"

"No, chocolate sauce and nuts, and sprinklies if you have them."

The vendor scooped two ice creams, put two flakes in the top, sprinkled sprinklies and nuts over them then covered them in chocolate sauce. He then handed one to Bip and one to Bop. "Thank you," he said as he picked up the dog tags and hung them on a peg in the van near his medals, badges and other small WWII items collection.

Just then a glowing portal opened and two interdimensional police people turned up.

"You're nicked," said Lebil.

"What!" exclaimed Bip, "What for?"

"Interdimensional trade, it is a breach of the interdimensional part of the IPP Time Code."

"I've got a copy of that, I downloaded off Smashwords," said Bip, "and it says you are allowed three personal weapons, chattels and medication for your own personal use."

"Ooh, an interdimensional time criminal who knows the Time code," said Forditz the other IPP time cop.

"Ok then we'll get you on having more than three personal weapons each," announced Lebil.

"We only have three each," blurted Bop, "pulse rifle, pulse pistol and a bayonet."

"What about the smoke grenades?"

"They're not weapons," remonstrated Bip, "as if you can kill someone with smoke."

"Smoke and fumes are the biggest killer in house fires," advised Forditz.

"Alright then the ship," said Lebil, "that looks to be heavily armed to me."

"But we are not trading that, we are only trading some dog tags from the war dimension for an ice cream," pleaded Bop.

"And," interjected Bip, "we didn't mean to travel here we were picked up by the ribbon."

"What like the one from Star Trek Generations?" asked Forditz.

"That's right. We were brought here against our will."

"Can we arrest them for that?" inquired Forditz.

"Not really," replied Lebil, "they were only trading dog tags, and the Author will probably stick them back into their own dimension soon. He probably only did it as a bit of light relief from their desperate situation in the science fiction dimension."

"Well what are we going to do now?" inquired Forditz.

"Shall we give them a warning?" suggested Lebil.

"What about?

"Casual paradoxes?"

"Do you think they will get into that situation?"

"Probably not, they are only minor characters in the main book. They didn't even have names until this piece of serialised flash fiction."

"Listen to them," said Bop, "they're talking about us like we're not here."

"Just leave it Bop," warned Bip, "they can send us to precinct 13 as time criminals any time they want to."

"But we haven't done anything wrong, yet."

"Let's not take any chances." Bip and Bop finished their ice creams in silence.

"But why did we turn up here if they weren't causing paradoxes or interdimensional violations?" inquired Forditz.

"Maybe the Author wanted to do something different. Well never mind, let's buy an ice cream." Lebil looked at the ice cream vendor, "Two Dream Bars please."

"Uh huh," shook headed the ice cream vendor.

"Well then two 99s with nuts and chocolate sauce please. Do you take credits?"

"No."

Lebil looked through his credit and debit card collection, "Tribelium Plated card?"

"Cash only, unless of course you have some World War II memorabilia?"

"I do have a sliver of gold," mentioned Forditz, "for emergencies such as this."

"Buying ice cream is not an emergency," said Lebil sternly.

"Well we don't want to break any interdimensional rules now do we?"

Bip looked up from eating his ice cream, "That's one thing I never understood, how come you can break the Time Code but we can't?"

"We only break it in a minor way when we are in pursuit of time criminals," explained Lebil.

"Or interdimensional infractors," interjected Forditz, "do you say infractors?"

"Infractionists?" thought Bip.

"Law breakers we'll say," said Lebil.

"Could I be a time cop?" asked Bop.

"We don't have any places at the minute," explained Lebil. "You also mustn't have a time criminal record either." He looked at the Time Resolutions application on his hand held Personal Computer. "I see here that you were cloned in the fantasy dimension, were moved illegally into the science fiction dimension and participated in attacks against legal chocolate manufacturers."

"Is that bad?"

"Well it doesn't endear you to the system. Without consulting the main TR program in Xanadu I would have to say, on the face of it, that you have no chance."

Bop looked at Bip, "Well, you have to try don't you."

"You know I don't get the Author's sense of humour," said Bip, "he is really tying one leg behind his back and hopping towards his core market of three people."

"Hopping you say," thought Bop, "I'd say crawling."

"You can't crawl on one leg," said Bip."

"You must be able to. If you use both arms and one leg you can crawl."

"Maybe, anyway..."

"Who said you couldn't crawl on two arms and one leg?" asked Lebil.

"Won't me said that guv," quoted Bip of Ian Waller.

"Anyway let's get you back to the science fiction dimension," said Forditz, "so you don't cause us any more problems."

"And there might be some ice cream left for us next time we come back!" said Lebil.

"Get in your ship please," Forditz ordered Bip and Bop.

"I haven't finished my ice cream yet," moaned Bop, "and I don't want to get stains on the interior upholstery. Sergeant Grimly would kill me and that might cause a paradox that would be your fault."

"Well hurry up then, the Author said you finished ages ago."

"When?"

"He said 'Bip and Bop finished their ice creams in silence'."

"But he also said 'Bip looked up from eating his ice cream', and that was way after he said we had finished them."

"I will give you ten seconds to finish it."

"That's draconian."

"Ok, I'll give you fifteen seconds to finish it and 5 seconds to make sure you are clean enough not to dirty the upholstery."

"That's half draconian."

"15."

"Alright, alright," said Bop as he began to force down the rest of the ice cream.

"14."

"Blubble," blubbled Bop.

"13."

"Ooooooer," groaned Bop, "I think I have a brain freeze now. It's a good job I'm not flying the thing that would definitely cramp my style."

"I'll cramp some handcuffs on you in a minute, now get on the ship."

Bip and Bop clambered onto the ship, Bop wiping off any ice cream drips with his hankie.

Forditz attached a time relocation module to the hull of the space fighter, inputted a date, time and dimension and pressed the big red button in the middle. Bip, Bop and the space craft disappeared. A few seconds later the relocation module re-appeared on the floor. Forditz picked it up and put it back into his utility belt. Both IPP cops twiddled dials on their IWT's and also vanished.

Bip and Bop appeared over the elven listening post. Grimly and the others were fighting for their lives trying to defend themselves against a growing army of crab bots. "Why did we appear here in the sky?" wondered Bip, "I thought we would go back to where the ribbon had taken us from?"

"Maybe the Author did it for dramatic effect."

Bip punched a code into the computer. "Can you stop punching me please?" asked the computer.

"Sorry computer, stress. Can you please fire at all objects moving but not living."

Streams of phaser fire flowed from all cannons on the space ship. Within seconds all of the closest crab bots were disabled.

"Bip you fool," yelled Grimly.

"What's the matter sergeant?"

"You've blown my legs off!!! I bet you commanded the ship's computer to fire at all objects moving but not living."

"I might have done." Bip landed the ship and the others clambered aboard. Ugz and Bugz carried Grimly on. Just as the door closed hundreds of crab bots launched themselves at the ship. Four of them managed to cling to the external manifold. Bip fired the ion drive and blasted them off like wind turbines sneezing on a wind farm. The ship took off vertically until they hit the upper atmosphere. Once they had attained the correct altitude Bip turned the interstellar drive on and they seemed to disappear from view as they travelled to the GSM core HQ.

The goblin space marine headquarters was on the planet of Vextable. It had its own cloning facility as well as barracks, training academies, space ship construction yards and chocolate factory. After they had disembarked and taken Grimly to the hospital they reported to their officer. Colonel Crunch looked at Bip with a steely gaze, "What do you mean you failed in your objective?" We needed to knock out that listening post so that we can mine planetoids and colonise the two main planets in that area."

"I'm sorry Sir but we did not have the right equipment to do the job."

"And whose fault is that?"

"Yours Sir."

"Oh, well then, we'll have to see that you get properly equipped next time. How is Grimly? You told me he had his legs blown off, again."

"He is in the hospital now."

"Is there any thing else to repeat, I mean report?"

"Yes Sir they have a crab bot security system/army thet they use to attack infantry remotely. These robots can incapacitate us even while in full body armour. There are so many of them that our small but elite fighting troop was nearly overwhelmed and destroyed."

"Did you say you were elite?"

"We like to think of ourselves that way."

"I like to think of myself as a young fit active man, but I am not. I would describe you as the best of a bad batch. You need to get some rest and relaxation now. Dismissed."

Bip. Bop, Ugz and Bugz visited Sergeant Grimly in the infirmary after he had his new leg replacements.

"I don't believe it," he moaned, "they've given me one new leg and one second hand one. Not only that but they are different sizes."

"We can call you Hopalong now," joked Bugz.

"Or Limpet," said Bop.

"Or I could throw you off a tall building Bugz and call you Dropalong or break both your hands Bop and call you Limpwrist."

"Sir," asked Bip.

"Yes Bip me old chum, the one who rescued us, the one with the commendation for bravery.

"Are your legs working yet?"

"They have just detached them for a bit of fine tuning."

"Then we can call you whatever we like 'cause you can't catch us."

The four of them ran off as Grimly shouted, "I won't be here for long you know then I'll give you lot what for." He then settled down to eat some grapes and have a little nap.

The Black Goblin

High in the sky, planing through the blue cloudless atmosphere, flew the Black Goblin. He was escaping with his haul of $100,000 from the Bank of Vespucci. Just behind him was a black figure, the D'ark Lord. The Black Goblin looked behind and saw D'ark so he landed on a rooftop.

"What do you want D'ark?" he asked.

"Your money."

"But we're in the same evil super hero team."

"With an accent on the _evil_ ," accentuated D'ark.

"Why don't you rob your own bank?"

"I don't own a bank."

"I've been months setting this up."

"Well it's either your money or I'll squash you. Take your choice."

"Will squashing me hurt too much?"

"Do you want to find out?"

"You're not that much better than me," said the Black Goblin as he dropped his bag into an air vent then turned to face D'ark.

The evil Lord had used his super speed to stand face to face with the Goblin. "There's one in the eye for you," said D'ark as he punched the Black Goblin in the eye. "You're a black eyed Black Goblin now."

The smaller of the two opponents tumbled back 10 feet and was stunned. D'ark started to tear the top off the ventilation system.

The Black Goblin flew towards D'ark as fast as he could and knocked him into the air vent. "I bet that knocked the wind out of you."

D'ark struggled but was able to use his incredible super strength (C.O. The Mixer) to bend the structure out of shape so that he could fit down.

"Uh oh, I think I have knocked him towards his objective." The Black Goblin reached in to grab D'ark's feet.

"Unhand me you bounder."

"You Sirrah are the bounder."

"Let go of my tootsies."

"Let go of my money."

D'ark thought for a moment, "Let's split it 50/50."

"Normally I might agree to that," said the Goblin, "but there seems to be no honour among thieves."

"You little, pointy eared, genetically cloned, grey skinned, pipsqueak."

"Now now D'ark, there's no need to be racially insensitive."

D'ark kicked around, "Try saying that after I have bashed your face in," but the Goblin held him firmly.

"We seem to be at a bit of an impasse," noted the Goblin, "your extra super powers seem to count for nothing."

"I can't understand it," thought D'ark, "I have four super powers and you only have two. What are your Achilles' heels again?"

"I'm not going to remind you."

"Was flatulence one? That usually goes with flying."

The Black Goblin kept quiet.

"Or was one of them bad breath? I know I have bad breath with one of mine."

"I'm sure if I had bad breath that would be useful information to help you escape with my money. I know yours anyway, they are, cannot tie your shoelaces, bad breath, smelly feet and flatulence."

"So you've done your homework."

"What do you need the money for anyway?"

"I need to buy my super hero drugs. Emperor Imperator has stopped funding me for two of them. He says I'm not worth it."

"Which two will you lose?"

"Well, I like flying, so I'm not going to give that up, and I think I'll keep my super strength."

"So you'll be like me then. Hey, we should become a duo the Black Lord and the Black Goblin."

"D'ark Lord, not Black."

"Change your name."

"No, you change your name. Mine is my family name."

"Mine is my race."

"Are you serious? I have just tried to steal $100,000 off you and you want us to get together as a duo?"

"If I call myself the Dark Goblin and let you have $25,000 will you do it?"

"Call yourself D'ark Goblin and give me $50,000 and I'll do it."

"D'ark and $30,000 and I won't tear your boots off and tickle your tootsies."

"You can't do that to me. That is a wicked thing to do."

"I am an anti-hero so I can do things like that."

"Ok deal," said D'ark as he squirmed in his boots hoping the Goblin wouldn't tickle them.

The Black (newly renamed) D'ark Goblin lifted D'ark out.

"Great," said the Author, "you're both called D'ark, how difficult is that now for me to write your conversations."

D L and DG looked at each other. "Did you hear that DL?" said DG.

"Yes DG," said DL.

D'ark pulled the bag of money out.

"Which D'ark?" asked DG.

"Look at that," said the Author, "getting confused already."

"It is quite obvious who pulled the bag out," said DL, "it was me seeing as I nearly had it anyway."

"I thought this was going to be an equal partnership?" thought DG.

"Oh no. As if a nobleman would ever have an equal partnership with one of the lower classes."

"Are you trying to say that because of your so called 'nobility' we will not split our takings 50/50?"

"70/30."

"Do you want me to put you down the air vent again?"

"It may be a tad more difficult now I am standing face to face with two extra super powers and you aren't threatening to tickle my tootsies." Just then DL burped

"Is that one of your super powers wearing off?"

"I don't think it is."

"I can't remember what burping means?"

"It means I ate a tin of beans before I followed you." DL started to wobble a bit, "I think we had better go," he said as he flew off the roof and nearly hit the floor.

"If only I had waited another few minutes, his powers would have worn off and I could have kept all the money," rued DG.

As DL's flying power ran out he landed on the ground. DG landed next to him, "Ran out of steam?" grimaced DG.

"Can you give me a lift to New Laputa?" inquired DL.

"It'll cost you."

"Never mind, I'll get the hover bus."

"Have you got any change?"

"Why?"

"It's just that the cash you have acquired from me is all $100 bills."

"Oh. I don't suppose they'll change a hundred?"

"I'll give you a lift for a hundred," offered DG.

"A hundred, that's daylight robbery!"

"It has been since the beginning of this story. I am a super criminal after all, the same as you."

"We're supposed to be partners."

"50/50?"

"Alright then."

DG caught DL up in his arms and flew to New Laputa with him.

"Good job my invulnerability still works," moaned DL, "you have made my costume chafe."

"How do you know I am chafing you if you are invulnerable?"

"I'm guessing."

"You're gassing as well, I can smell it, have you lost another power?"

"No, I told you I told you it was the beans. Ouch!"

"What's the matter?"

"I can feel the chafing now."

The Evil League HQ was still in the embassy building of the small South Vespuccian country that Emperor Imperator continued to rule, just. After the battle between the Evil League and the Lawful League and the subsequent arrest of the Emperor and his evil team he had managed to cling onto his dictatorship. Things were difficult with the popular Facebook uprising taking place led by a premiership footballer. The Emperor had used his evil supers to root out ringleaders and had limited the effect of the uprising by friending the whole of the Indian sub-continent.

DL and DG landed in the Central Plaza and walked into the reception of the embassy.

"Hello you two," said the receptionist.

"Hello my dear," smarmed DL.

"Hi," said DG as he and DL walked into the Evil League lounge. Slime Boy was there as well as the Seamstress and the Squid. DG put his bag on a table.

"Ooh," said slime Boy, "have you done a job?"

"Keep your slimy fingers off Slime Boy," said DG.

"And your slimy eyes as well," snapped DL.

Slime Boy slinked and slimed away.

"He makes my skin crawl," said the Seamstress as she sewed some cloth.

"Sew what? Are you still stitching people up?" asked DG.

"No I am making a handkerchief case. I've just watched Miss Marple and she had one."

"Have you sewed my new costume yet?" he inquired.

The seamstress pulled out a half sewn Black Goblin costume.

"Oh I need to tell you," said DG, "my initials will now be DG not BG."

"Aww!" exclaimed the Seamstress, "I did a lovely job of joining the B and G together for the chest logo."

DL looked at it, "If somebody shot him in the logo it would look like BoG, or with a wonky bullet it could look like BaG."

"Now it'll look like DoG or DaG," noted the Squid.

"I'll shoot you in the logo in a minute," said DG as he threatened the squid.

"Keep your costume on," replied the Squid, "I was only having a joke."

"Squirt off squink face," jibed DL.

DG took $30,000 out and gave it to DL, but first he took $100 off the top.

"Oi," said DL, "you said you'd give me the ride for nothing if we were partners."

"This is to pay the Seamstress for changing my logo."

"Pay out of your own money," said DL as he snatched the bill off DG, "you suggested the partnership."

"What's all this DL/DG stuff the Author is typing?" asked the Seamstress.

"I am now called the D'ark Goblin," said The D'ark Goblin, "because D'ark Lord and I are now the two dark anti-heroes, the twins of evil, a duo of dastardliness."

"A pair of twits more like," said the squid as he made for the door.

DL was sitting in a chair by the fire, "Muhauuuur," he half cackled.

"That's a bit of a pathetic evil laugh," chelped DG.

"I don't feel very evil today I've had strawberries and cream and watched 'Gone with the Wind'."

"But you are the epitome of evil, we all look up to you with relation to your sadistic and hell bent nature."

"I just don't feel like it today, I feel kind of nice inside."

"Can someone stop feeding him nice things like sugar and spice? He needs some slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails."

"We could get done by the RSPCA for feeding him puppy dogs tails," said the Seamstress.

"Does that matter? After all we are evil."

"On your head be it, I don't want to have to explain to the RSPCA why we have puppies with no tails and an evil lord licking his lips."

"Ok then we'll feed him some cod liver oil with the slugs and snails."

"Can't slugs kill him?"

"Ok snails and cod liver oil."

"We're out of snails since the French ambassadorial team came."

"Do you think the cod liver oil will make him get his evil streak back?"

"I don't know, it might make him grumpy."

"I can see it now, 'Lord D'ark the master of grumpiness'. It doesn't quite have that ring to it does it."

The Mixer entered the embassy via the heliport. He went to the office near the meeting room. A queue started to form of those anti-heroes who needed to resupply their superhero drugs. The first in was the Squidget.

"Hello Squidget," said the Mixer, "You are allowed 30 phials of shrinking potion."

"Fanks," said the Squidget.

"Lost your th's? That's a side effect of stretchiness isn't it?"

"Cheeky, vat's how I speak," said the Squidget as he picked up his allowance.

The Mixer ticked off a box next to the Squidget's name on a clip board.

The next in was D'ark Goblin, "Hi Doc."

"You get 30 super strengths and 30 flights."

"Can I have a couple of invulnerabilities and two super speeds?"

"That's 20K each," said the Mixer.

"I only have 70K. Can I owe you 10K?"

"I tell you what. I am testing a new drug. If you take it and use it I'll give you what you want for 70K."

"What is the new drug?" inquired DG.

"It inhibits your evil tendencies."

"What good is that to me? I am part of the Evil League. I'm supposed to be evil."

"Take it or leave it."

"Would it stop me stealing things?"

"Yes."

"Would it stop me beating people up?"

"Yes."

"Well where's all the fun going to go if I can't nick things and beat people up?"

"It's only for 24 hours, I'm sure you can go for 24 hours without stealing anything or beating anybody up."

"Oh, I suppose so."

"You need to take it now so I can see how you change."

"What! Can't I just do a quick bit of armed robbery with grievous bodily harm?"

"Just drink it." The Mixer gave the D'ark Goblin a shimmering blue phial.

"Blue eh," noted DG, "mine are usually shimmering green ones." He opened his mouth and knocked it back. "Oh I forgot to ask, what's the Achilles' heel?"

"Forgetfulness."

"What did I just ask you?" The D'ark Goblin started to leave the office.

"Hang on," said the Mixer, "take these with you." He handed a box of phials to the D'ark Goblin.

Lord D'ark was next in line, "What good is that anti-evil potion if he can't remember anything?"

"It is based on a recipe stolen from the government. I need to see if he remembers anything afterwards. If it is selective memory loss and he can still function without behaving in an evil way then it's worth keeping in stock for those criminals who wish to stay on the straight and narrow."

"I was on the Straight and Narrow once."

"Really?"

"Yes it's a pub near London, I was fixing the roof."

DG walked into the garden area in the plaza and started to give money to passersby.

"What are you doing?" asked DL.

"Helping the needy," he replied.

"You should be helping the greedy, like me and the Emperor."

A scruffy looking man came up to DG, "Any spare change Guv?"

DG gave him a $100 note.

"Thanks Chief," said the man who shuffled away to the hot dog stand.

Seen on the horizon was a streak of light that sped through the sky and landed next to DL and DG. "Whoa!" exclaimed DL, "Who are you?"

"I am the Light Man, I fight evil with my light."

"I think you could fight evil by giving us a fright."

"I know you D'ark, you look to be up to one of your nefarious schemes again."

"Well actually..."

"Let's fight!"

"Well actually, my new partner is giving away money to passersby."

"Fight the light."

"Did you hear what I said?"

Light punched D'ark on the chin and knocked him down. "That was easier than I thought," he thought.

"It would be," replied the Dark Lord, "I haven't taken my super powers yet." Quickly D'ark sipped three of his phials, "Now Light Man prepare to have your lights knocked out."

"Oh very good," said Light Man, "nice wordplay."

"You shouldn't fight," said DG, "that is evil."

"I fight evil," said Light Man, "that's good."

"Violence breeds violence."

"Are you saying that you lot are only evil because we beat you up when we arrest you?"  
"Yup."  
"But you evil lot always beat people up when you rob them we are just paying you back."  
"Can we get on with the fight please," said Lord D'ark, "don't want to waste my super powers arguing. Who wants to pay out 60k just to argue?"

"Argument Man?" suggested DG.

"Take that you miscreant," shouted Light as he tried to punch D'ark again, but this time D'ark sidestepped using his super speed.

"Hah, I am faster than Light!" hahed DL.

"You must be a neutrino then," quipped the D'ark Goblin.

"That isn't proven yet, there may be a skewing of the results," said Light.

"You have a skewed attitude towards me, I'm not evil," explained DG.

"Join me then and we will defeat the Dark Lord."

"Ok, but I won't hit him, that's evil."

"If you join him DG the partnership is off," said DL.

"That means I'll be able to change my name to Light Goblin."

"Too many name changes spoil the plot," said the Dark Lord as he threw a wobbly.

Light skipped around like Mohammed Ali.

"Been watching 'Ali' Have we?" asked D'ark.

"'Floats Like a Butterfly, Stings Like a Bee'," corrected Light.

"Smells like a buffalo, sings like a flea more like. Is that one of your Achilles heels, BO?"

Light smelled his armpit, giving Lord D'ark the chance to punch him in the stomach. There was a clunking sound. "Sounds like a girdle."

"Is that a hurdle?" rhymed the D'ark Goblin.

"You cannot just make up random rhymes," vociferated DL, "have you decided whose side you are on yet?"

"I shall remain neutral like Switzerland did in the war."

"They ended up with all the Nazi gold."

"You will end up in a Nazi toehold in a minute," threatened Light as he grabbed for D'ark's legs.

Lord D'ark hopped away from Light, "What's a Nazi toehold? I think you just made that up."

"You could have a Herman Goering bear hug," suggested DG, "or a Rudolph Hess dress."

The Dark Lord blocked two of Light's punches, "I think that goodness potion has the added side effect of stupidity. As if a Rudolph Hess dress is a wrestling move, or would ever be one."

"The Nazis were as evil as you are," announced Light.

"Why thank you," thanked DL, "I'm pleased you noticed. I had thought my PR campaign didn't quite bring that across."

Lord D'ark kicked Light where the sun don't shine. "What a colourful turn of phrase the Author is using," Light said after he heard the Author's description.

Light flew back about 100 feet and tried a flying punch.

"What a fool this 'hero' is," derided D'ark as he jumped on a parked hover car and out of harms way. "I think I may have to take my flying potion. Then we can do a Matrix."  
"The bit in the subway with the guns?" asked DG.

"No potioned fool, the fight with Agent Smith in the second film," he said as he sipped his flying potion, "what an expensive day this has been."

Light ran up to DL really fast and tried a flurry of punches, DL tried to do a Neo with one hand, but some of the punches got through.

"I think you need martial arts lessons," shouted DG.

"I think..." thought DL out loud just as Light brought an uppercut to his jaw, he went up in the air 10 feet and stayed there. He shook his head, "Good, I can fly."

"So can I," boomed Light as he flew up to Lord D'ark.

A crowd started to gather to watch the proceedings. "Light, Light, Light," they shouted.

"You see that's the thing about being evil," said Lord D'ark, "the general public don't get behind you."

"Unless they want to push you off a cliff," smirked DG.

"This isn't fair really," said DL, "I hadn't actually committed a crime." Glancing at the Dark Goblin he said, "It was you being a goody two shoes and giving out stolen money."

"What!" said Light, "the Black Goblin was giving out stolen money?"

"D'ark Goblin," corrected DG.

"Well that puts a different light on it," said Light.

"That's a good one Light puts a different light on it," burbled DG.

Light Man turned his attention to the D'ark Goblin, "Come on the Black Goblin."

"What?"

"I am going to fight you instead."

"But I don't want to fight."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, violence breeds violence."

"Ok, come with me then."

"Where?"

"To jail."

"Ok."

The Dark Lord shook his head in disbelief.

"Can you fly?" Light asked the Goblin.

"Yes I have a few hours of flying time left."

"Come fly with me."

They both flew away to the strains of 'Come Fly With Me' sung by Frank Sinatra.

The Dark Lord brushed himself down and went back into the Evil League's embassy building. "All that fighting has given me an appetite. I think I need something to eat."

"Why are you hungry?" asked Slime Boy, "you've just had a knuckle sandwich."

The New Laputa central police station was a gleaming glass steel and concrete superstructure. For such an impressive new building there was not a lot of crime that had to be dealt with by the police, they usually mopped up after the superheroes had done their job. Light Man escorted the D'ark Goblin in through the front door. A desk sergeant was there drinking a cup of coffee.

"What can I do for you Light Man?" asked the sergeant.

"I have a criminal for you. He was handing out stolen money," replied Light.

"Thank you, we'll take it from here." The sergeant brought up a new form on his PC. "Now then Sir what is your name?"

"D'ark Goblin."

"No Sir, your real name."

"The Black Goblin."

"No Sir, your real, real name. You know, goblins usually have names like Crushbug or Boombounce."

"Bertram Ginster."

"That doesn't sound like a goblin name."

"My mother liked reading Jane Eyre and changed our names by deed poll."

"What were you before you were Ginster?"

"Furtlesplat."

"I can see why she changed the name."

"She changed my first name as well so I wasn't bullied by other kids."

"What was that?"

"Floppy."

"Floppy Furtlesplat, I see what you mean." The sergeant called for help. Another officer came through. "Can you help Mr. Ginster through the processing process please?"

"Ok Sarge," said the officer who led the D'ark Goblin into the admissions room of the station. "I thought you were called the Black Goblin? After all that's what this story is called."

"I changed my name to cut a deal with the Dark Lord."

"That sounds wrong somehow. Before we start have you taken any super powered potions in the last 24 hours?"

"Yes."

"Which ones?"

"Flight and super speed."

"You'll have to take a neutraliser potion then, before we can lock you up." The policeman gave DG a neutralising potion.

DG drank the potion and waited a few seconds. He came to his senses. "What am I doing here?" he asked.

"You're under arrest."

"What for?"

"Handing out stolen money I think."

"How did you catch me?"

"Light Man brought you in."

"I wouldn't hand out stolen money. Not for all the tea in China."

"Are you saying you've been wrongfully arrested?"

"Has all the tea in China been accounted for?"

"Yes."

"Yes then." D'ark Goblin tried to make a dash for it but was too weak and slow to get away. "I feel as slow as a slug on a sloth."

"Can you empty you pockets please Mr. Ginster?"

"I've got my rights you know."

"You may have, but at the minute you are under arrest and in my charge and need to empty your pockets."

D'ark Goblin started to empty his pockets. There was a bag of marbles, a batarang, a piece of green cheese, a can of CS spray, a spare domino mask, some mouth freshener (for the lady goblins), a camera phone, lots of money in $100 bills and jelly babies in case he went time travelling in a blue police box.

"Why have you got your marbles in a bag?"

"So I don't lose them."

"Have you been accused of losing your marbles before?"

"When I was bullied as a kid."

"Are you trying to say you were psychologically affected as a kid because of bullying and that is why you are a criminal now?"

"I wasn't but I will do if it's a good defence."

"Why do you have CS spray?"

"To defend myself against criminals."

"Why do you need that? You are in the Evil League. Surely it is not them you are afraid of?"

"No, it's muggers. If I lose my super powers in an unsavoury place then I can get beaten up and robbed, so I take a can of pepper spray with me."

"I thought you were good at martial arts?"

"When you lose your powers you feel weak and wobbly. As evidenced by my performance just now."

The officer put the D'ark Goblin's items into an envelope.

"Those jelly babies will go off if I'm in here too long," said the Goblin, "Can I eat them now?"

"Oh go on then, seeing as there's only two of them. How do you eat them?"

"What do you mean?"

"Heads first or feet first?"

"I swallow them whole like this," he said as he gulped them both down. "Why do you ask?"

"Heads are for extroverts, tails are for introverts."

"What's the whole thing mean?"

"You're a monster?"

"With super powers," said the D'ark goblin as grabbed his personal items, barged the policeman out of the way and broke through the door.

"How did you get your powers back?" asked the confused officer.

"The Jelly Babies were hardened super power potions, specially mixed by the Mixer." The Goblin ran through the door and flew back to the embassy.

"That was a bit of bad luck," said the sergeant to the officer.

"A bit of a mix up by the mixer made that trickster mix me up."

The Emperor called the Black Goblin to his private office. "Now then Goblin, what's all this I hear about you being captured by Light Man and escaping from the police?"

"It is as you say."

"I know you are on my personal staff and have diplomatic immunity but this sort of behaviour only serves to stir up greater criticism of me and my country."  
"Sorry Sir, it was that darned goodness potion. You can't lie or steal or be violent or swear; it's worse than being a Christian. At least if you're a Sunday Christian you can lie and steal, swear and be violent for the other 6 days of the week."

"I am running a business here Goblin and I need you to make me money. You will not make me money if you are incarcerated will you."

"No Sir, it won't happen again, unless I have a conversion experience."

"Yes, well make sure you don't. I thought I had you tested for that before you joined the Evil League?"

"Yes you did."

"As I remember you got the lowest score possible for spirituality. How do you explain that?"

"I cheated."

As the Goblin exited the office Lord D'ark was waiting for him, "Goody two shoes potion worn off early has it?"

"The cops made me take a neutralising potion while I was under the influence of goodness."

"You're lucky you had your jelly baby potions with you."

"How do you know about them? They're supposed to be secret."

"It just came on over the news, they interviewed the policeman, quite confused he was. Are we going to do a job together or are you just going to mess around all the time?"

"I mustn't get caught again or I'll make the emperor angry. I don't like him when he's angry."

"Nobody likes him when he's angry. That's why his mother had to let him play with a small South American country when he was a boy."

"South Vespuccian, you're in a different dimension."

"Let's do an easy caper together then."

"What do you suggest?"

"We could raid the mobile phone factory."

"I don't need a mobile phone, besides we'd have to steal millions of the things to get a big enough return."

"No, I mean the mobile phone recycling factory. They get scrap gold from the old phones and store it on site. There could be up to a 500K in gold there."

"Come to the phone recycling factory," said D'ark Goblin in a sarcastic advertising voice whilst twiddling his fingers, "to get Phone Gold 4U."

"Oh very good DG, almost as good as the real advert, pity you didn't get the finger twiddling right, you looked as though you were doing a puppet theatre and you'd forgotten the puppet."

"Don't we need to plan it properly?" asked the Goblin.

"Why do we want to do a stupid thing like planning?"

"So we don't get caught."

"Paff, as if we will get caught."

"I don't want to get told off by the Emperor for being arrested again. I think we need to plan it. In fact I won't do it unless we plan it."

"We haven't got time to plan it, it's nearly the end of the story."

"Let's go to Planning Man."

"Is he on the Council?"

"No but he can plan a knees up with one elastic band and a fruit corner."

"He must be good then, I'd be pushed to organise a party with a keg of ale and a McDonalds menu."

They both flew up to the Planner's room. The Goblin knocked.

"Come in," was the reply.

They both entered to a vista of maps pinned to the Walls and stacks of unusual books.

"What do you two want?" he asked, "I am trying to plan my lunch."

"Sorry," burbled the Goblin, "we wanted a quick plan."

"Stop snivelling Goblin," said Lord D'ark. He then spoke to the Planner, "We want to do a quick job on the mobile phone recycling factory and Sniveller here said we should ask you about a plan."

"In through the office roof. Blow the safe with C4 or lift the safe out, exit. Now let me get on with planning my lunch."

DL and DG exited. As he left DG mumbled a, "Thanks."

"I could have come up with that plan," moaned Lord D'ark.

"That was off the top of his head."

"He's off the top of his head if you ask me," said D'ark as they both flew towards the mobile phone recycling factory.

"What happens if they see us on CCTV cameras?" asked the Goblin.

"We're both dressed in black with face masks on and wearing sunglasses, they won't recognise us."

"But our costumes are very distinctive, mine has pointy goblin ears."

"Don't smile, make your ears pointier and make out you're the Black Elf. You didn't use to worry like this. Just calm down," soothed the D'ark Lord as he crashed through the reinforced concrete roof of the office. "The door was jammed, I had to make another one," he said to the stunned manager who was covered in dust and debris.

"Can you still manage?" asked the D'ark Goblin of the manager before he knocked his lights out."

"Have you got the C4?"

"No, have you?"

"No. We'll have to carry the safe."

"We can lift it with our super strength but we might not be able to fly with it."

They both lifted the safe easily but when they tried to fly away they could only manage a hover.

"Wonderful," moaned D'ark, "we'll have to hover out of here."

"Hang on a minute. I could throw the safe up to you on the bit of the roof that hasn't collapsed. You could catch it then we could hover across the rooves."

"That's a bit of an archaic spelling for multiples of roof isn't it?" said D'ark as he hopped onto the roof.

The D'ark Goblin threw the safe to the D'ark Lord who managed to catch it without the rest of the roof collapsing. He then joined his partner and each grabbing a side of the safe they hovered and bumped across the rooves of the factory.

The Goblin seemed to be having trouble even with hovering.

"Stop goofing on the roofing," said D'ark, then when he looked down he noticed something, "you've left grooves on the rooves."

"Oh I understand why we didn't use roofs now, the Author wanted to rhyme rooves with grooves."

Lord D'ark and the D'ark Goblin both leapt from the roof and bounced towards a wooded area. Once they got there Lord D'ark looked behind them, "It wouldn't take a genius to figure out where we'd gone."

"We may have scuffled from the woods and over the roofs to crash into the office"

"Well done Sherlock what deductive reasoning, you should try for a job at CSI Miami, they need a janitor. Now let's rip the door off the safe." He grabbed the handle and pulled with all his might but all he did was rip the handle off.

"Well done Break-lock. At least I wouldn't have pulled the handle off and broken the lock."

"We'll both have to punch it either side at the same time, ready?"

They both got to either side. Lord D'ark counted, "1, 2, 3." They both punched the door. The safe exploded like a tin of beans being crushed in a landslide victory of the Democratic Party.

When they looked inside there was a gold bar the same size as a mobile phone.

"Wonderful," griped the D'ark Lord, "we do a job that could be worth 500K and come away with a gold bar worth about 10K."

As they were looking at the gold bar the Junior Lawful League turned up.

"Be prepared to spit teeth," said Cybot.

"Wonderful," said Lord D'ark, "now kids want to beat me to a pulp. I should have stayed at home today and watched 'Terminator 3', it would have been less violent."

Cybot, Captain Holiness, Retro Boy and the Atomic Pimple faced Lord D'ark and the D'ark Goblin. Invisiralé may have been there but you couldn't tell because she turns invisible.

"Take that Prince of Darkness," said Cybot as he punched at Lord D'ark.

D'ark dodged the punch, "I am not Dracula Cyburp but Lord D'ark. Get the name right junk heap."

The Atomic Pimple pressed his pimple and aimed the torrent in the direction of the Goblin. The D'ark Goblin managed to duck and the sticky goo hit a tree.

"Eugh!" exclaimed the Goblin, "You need something for that acne. Have you tried cutting your head off?"

Retro Boy did a quick sequence of flashy Kung Fu moves.

"Been watching 'Enter the Dragon' have we?" said the D'ark Goblin as he did a roundhouse kick on Retro boy.

Retro took the kick full force which sent him back against the sticky tree, "I'm stuck in the sticky tree," he cried.

Cybot grabbed Lord D'ark's arms and tried to hold them. Lord D'ark lifted his arms slowly. "Your cyber strength is no match for my potioned super strength." He easily broke Cybot's hold and pushed him back.

Captain Holiness flew down on Fullness his flaming horse. The horse stamped on D'ark and sent him back against the sticky tree, "I'm stuck in the sticky tree as well," he groaned.

The Goblin, seeing things were not going his way ate another Jelly Baby and disappeared.

"He's turned invisible," said the Atomic Pimple, "can Invisiralé see him? She's invisible."

"I haven't seen her all day," said Retro boy, "I think she's poorly, so her invisibility isn't working properly and so she's stayed at home."

Lord D'ark screamed at the D'ark Goblin, "If you run out on me now Goblin the partnership is over. Do you hear me? Over. And you can't call yourself D'ark Goblin any more. Do you hear me?"

The Black Goblin slipped out of the woods and flew back to the embassy. At least he would be in time for the nine o' clock film and any leftover afters.

Following is a sample of the first seven chapters of The Crying Pennant.

The Crying Pennant

Prologue

The computer hummed its high pitched hum. It was bright and early and the sun flickered bright then dim through the kitchen door window. The author had just put some toast into the toaster and was thinking of what he could type. He sat down and looked at the screen, the familiar blue stripes of the windows package glowed and the cursor blinked at him.

Blank.

What could he write?

He began, "The plaited see-saw rocked to and fro in the wind. A seagull screed and the door to a chalet banged like a drum on its hinge. The small boy stepped inside and closed the door. After covering himself with a blanket he began to read."

Looking at the screen the author wondered what to write next, he felt his chin then went to margarine his toast. Still nothing, just a little boy reading a book. He munched and drank and waited.

Suddenly, two characters appeared and began to argue, a blonde bearded man at arms dressed in patchy leather armour, a lion's head blazoned on his shield and a battle chieftain in studded leather armour with a surcoat of red also with a lion embroidered upon it.

CHAPTER ONE

"Biggs, why have you come to this gloomy and dismal place, it is rumoured to be the haunt of dark and dire monsters," Arthur quipped.

"Stop quipping Arthur, you're getting on my nerves," muttered Biggs.

"Well if you stopped muttering maybe I wouldn't have to quip!" quipped Arthur again as he sidled up to Biggs.

"That's it, I can't stand it when you sidle. Look at that you've sidled right up to my side. You side sidler you," Biggs retorted to Arthur's quipping and sidling.

"You've got about as much courage in this place as a hypochondriac hamster, you filibustering philanthropist," Arthur again quipped forcefully.

"Stop getting verbose with me or I'll take your quip off you," Biggs parried, thrusted and came to rest upon a metaphor.

"Just what kind of English do you think that is," said Arthur, talking this time to the author.

I did not wish to answer my creation so I continued typing, hoping that the latter could be as good as the former.

"He's just pig ignorant," suggested Biggs, I resenting it as, even now, I typed it.

"That fellow on the word processor has put us into this dark and dismal place and I don't like it," blubbed Biggs with a kind of big blubbing noise.

I decided to speak up, "Look you two, I'm in charge of this book so just do what I type!" (I thought that would tell them.)

"Of course you know we can read Mr. Author sir, so we know what you think on paper," whined Arthur.

"Well he's left a few lines free so maybe he's not going to interject in our lives anymore," Biggs said.

Then Arthur said, "Okay then Biggs, let's explore this dark and dismal place, have you got the lantern?"

"Of course I've got the lantern," Biggs struck the flint against the stone. "I wouldn't strike the flint against the stone, my character just wouldn't do such a silly thing," said Biggs in a self righteous tone.

"Don't get all self righteous on us now Biggs. Just light the lamp in a common sense sort of way."

So in a common sense sort of way Biggs lit the lamp.

"It's dark."

"I know it's dark."

"Even with the light on it's dark."

A pause.

"I'm getting muddled up with who's spaking."

"Who's spaking," quibbled Biggs, "can't you spell correctly Author?"

"Correctly," I typed.

"That's it Mr. Author sir, if you don't stop trying to be funny I'm going to make a complaint to the funny characters union."

"Sorry," I said.

"Oh look there's a dark, mildew coated, metal studded, green lacquered, warped and flea bitten oak door. It wasn't there just now. I bet that author just put it there," bibbled Quiggs. "Oi! Get the name right B I G G S not Quiggs," corrected Biggs.

"What, you mean that dark, mildew coated, metal studded, green lacquered, warped and flea bitten oak door to the left or the dark, mildew coated, metal studded, green lacquered, warped and flea bitten door to the right?" questioned Arthur, as he looked from side to side.

"It's that author again Arthur, he's messing around again, that door wasn't there just now."

"What you mean the dark, mildew coated, metal...."

"Shut up Arthur just go through the door on the right, the one we saw first."

"That's a fine way to talk to your lord and master, I must say."

The dark, mildew coated, metal studded, green lacquered, warped and flea bitten oak door swang open, sorry, swung open with a high pitched, kind of wobbling falsetto creaky sound.

"That was a high pitched, kind of wobbling...."

Biggs hit Arthur with the map he was carrying, to shut him up. "I didn't know I was carrying a map. Especially one that I could hit you with."

"Don't you hit me with it again. Let's just read it," quivered Arthur.

"If you quiver again that might give us some arrows."

So Arthur quivered and they had some arrows.

Spreading the lamp on the floor they looked at the map. It showed a dungeon underneath an old castle.

"That's pretty scary, look we're in a dungeon under an old castle. When I signed on to be a funny character I didn't expect a Spanish inquisition."

They both looked around half hoping that a mad cardinal would leap out and threaten them but all remained quiet.

"Well then, this is where we are, outside the room called the er!" erred Biggs.

The author could not think of what to call the room.

"Well any way we're outside this room marked with a skull and crossbones, so we can assume that it's dangerous," said Biggs as he pointed at the map.

The map said with disgust, "Didn't your mother tell you that it's rude to point?"

This stunned Biggs and Arthur because they had not expected to meet a talking map.

"A talking map, my, my, what will they think of next, I wonder how many silicon chips its got in it," mused Arthur, because he liked to think of himself as a kind of computer expert.

"A kind of computer expert," chided Arthur, "next you'll be saying that I'm kind of not here."

And for a while he vanished because the author was sick of his prattling.

"I'm sorry, but that's not fair," said Biggs boldly in a kind of loud telling off voice, "he's my partner and I'm a little scared of this place still."

So I relented and Arthur again popped back into the scene.

POP.

"That was a loud pop for such a little man, Arthur, where did you go for that little while?"

"I do not know, I just kind of stopped existing, bereft of life I rested in pieces, my existence it seems is only on paper. It makes you feel quite humble and enamoured of the author who breathes life into our lettered lives doesn't it?" thought Arthur.

Suddenly a brightly shining sword fell from the roof and stuck in the floor.

"Did you see that, it's that author fellow? Because you sucked up to him he's given you a sword. That'll be useful, see if you can get a bow for these arrows out of him," suggested Biggs.

"Oh Author, Author, Author of Arthur, end me your lears that I may thpeak of your balmy goodness to all letterkind."

A bow also fell from the ceiling.

"This is good Arthur, keep it up," said Biggs gleefully.

"Wisest of the wise, meekest of the meek, goodest of the good and honest of the hon."

Two suits of full plate mail armour, rations for a year, a fully armoured war horse, bucket and spade and an A to Z guide to London fell from the ceiling.

"Okay, okay Arthur I think that's enough for now, don't praise him too much or we'll be squashed by the abundance of his gifts. What are we going to do with a war horse down here?"

"Just let it stay here for now, you never know we might need its pulling power," said Arthur as he stroked the war horse's mane. Biggs started to dress in the plate armour and helped Arthur into his.

"I'm going to walk through this door, are you coming with me?" asked Biggs as he walked through the door and straight down a well shaft.

Sploosh!

"That's why it said danger on the map, and that's why we need a strong horse," the realisation spreading over Arthur's face.

"Just get me out of this well."

"Well."

"Yes, Well."

"Well, well, well, are you doing well?"

"Stop punning and send me a rope."

Arthur looked on the horse and found a rope. He tied it to the horse's neck and sent it down.

Splopsh.

"Thanks Arthur, remind me to get you some chocolates if we ever get out of here alive." Biggs tied the horse to his waist and tugged on the rope.

Arthur pulled Biggs and the fully armoured war horse up.

"Hold on a minute Arthur there's a big gaping, dark and haunting hole in the side of this well wall," said an astonished Biggs.

"Well then, do you want to have a look at the well wall?"

"'Course I do, but pull us both up first."

Arthur pulled them both up, untied them, put the rope around Biggs' waist and pushed Biggs into the well again.

Splooshhhhh.

"You didn't tie the rope to the horse's neck. Hang on and I'll send the rope up on an arrow."

Twannng. Thud.

The arrow stuck in the war horse's saddle. Arthur tied the rope around the horse's saddle, "Alright Biggs, I'm leading the horse up the passage a bit."

Biggs again slopped and dripped out of the water and got within swinging distance of the gaping hole, "Okay I'm there, let me swing in."

He swang into the hole and grabbed hold of the sid, "I'm in. By the way who's Sid?"

"Oh, he's a typing error, I was supposed to spell side, but you can keep him if you like," I said, hoping that the flow of inspiration would continue.

So, Sid who now appeared as a dwarf, helped Biggs to get into the gaping hole.

"So then Sid what are you doing down here?" questioned Biggs in a sort of quizzical way.

"I don't know I've just appeared," said Sid the dwarf in a kind of bemused, bumbling, brogue.

"Oh so you're a Scottish dwarf then Sid?"

"Aye, I must be if I speak a brogue but I can't help feeling that the author only wrote that because he wanted something to go with bemused and bumbling," Sid said.

"Oi, Biggs who're talking to?" grumped Arthur angrily.

"Sid the Dwarf, I think he's going to help us from now on."

"Aye, I will by my eye, aye my eye I will," ayed Sid.

"I'll tie this rope to this brazier so that I can come down and see him. Secure your end please," ordered Arthur as he tied the rope to the brazier. He then shuffled down the rope and alighted upon the edge of the big gaping, dark and haunting hole.

"You alighted in a delicate fashion may I say Arthur," complimented Sid the dwarf.

"DON'T BE FUNNY SID THE DWARF," Arthur seemed to shout but the author had just left the caps lock on.

"So shall we see what's at the end of this big gaping, dark and haunting hole," suggested Biggs who was still holding the lamp which sent rays of light piercing ahead of them into the forbidding darkness.

"I wouldn't like to be without a lamp in that forbidding darkness," said Sid the dwarf then, "you go first Biggs."

Biggs picked his way over the loose rubble that lay across his path.

"Do you have to pick your way Biggs, just put the pick down and walk tentatively," said Sid the dwarf.

"I'll pick the nits out of your hair with it in a minute," retorted Biggs as he tentatively picked his way through the loose rubble.

A low grumbling, throaty roar proceeded down the passage and they moved aside out of its way.

"I wonder what that belongs to," quivered Biggs as another quiver of arrows fell from the ceiling.

"That's useful," said Sid the dwarf, "do you think you could get me a battle axe since you're both armed?"

"You'll have to compliment the author Sid," quipped Arthur who was still very fond of his quip.

"Mr. Author, sir er, can I have some salt and pepper?" said Sid the dwarf.

So condiments fell from the ceiling and Sid's mother-in-law, fully armed, bearded and ready to tell Sid off.

"Now then Sidney, where do you think you've been this past ten minutes, you should be at home with my daughter," blasted Sid's mother-in-law, scaring all three of the adventurous heroes.

"I meant a metal battle axe, not my mother-in-law," said Sid the dwarf.

"I told you to compliment him Sid, not condiment him," said Arthur.

"Er, excuse me Mother-in-law, before you go can you lend me your special battle axe, the one you keep Father-in-law in line with?" said Sid the dwarf.

Sid's mother-in-law gave him the battle axe and just as quickly I made her vanish in a puff of smoke, deciding not to torment them any further with her presence.

"I bet your mother-in-law's good in a fight," enthused Biggs.

"Yes, we could have sent her ahead to encounter the wild beastie that seems to be ahead of us," said Sid, "killing two birds with one stone."

Biggs again picked his way down to the end of the passage which ended in another gaping hole looking into a small cave. They all peered in and saw a hulking, breathing, dark and dire monster.

"Have you got your bestiary old chap?" Arthur asked Biggs.

"Yes, of course," answered Biggs, and proceeded to look in his rucksack. He drew out a tome and flicked through its pages. "Dragon, Dagon, Demon.....Ahh here it is, dark and dire monster (of the hulking breathing type). Usually live in dire and dismal caves beneath dangerous castles. They can be quite dangerous themselves spitting a kind of acid on their victims," read Biggs as the dark and dire monster spat a kind of acid at Sid.

"Yowl," shouted Sid, "I'm shrinking, I'm shrinking."

Arthur drew his sword but decided that his pencil did not have a sharp enough point so he unsheathed his sword and began to strike at the dark and dire monster. It spat and roared and after a few more hits it fell to the ground.

Sid ran quickly to the well shaft and threw himself down it.

Biggs continued to read, "The acid can be immediately washed off but this produces a chemical reaction in any large body of water which causes that acid to turn into alcohol."

"You tek the hay road and ay'll tek the low road, and I'll be in Scotland afore ye," sang Sid in a drunken drawl.

"Great!" Quipped Arthur, "A drunken dwarf, that's all we need."

CHAPTER TWO

The remonstrations of the previous hour had taken their toll on the heroic trio and they had all fallen asleep near the gaping hole in the well wall. Arthur was the first to wake, lifting his head from Sid's whisky smelling clothing. He yawned and stretched as he rose, then dusted himself down.

"I still don't know why were down here Author," said Arthur as he walked about in the passage "We've killed a dark and dire monster in a dark and dismal cave then all fallen asleep, what are we going to do now?" Arthur asked.

"I haven't decided yet Arthur," I said, a bit confused by the character in a book that I am writing, talking to me, "What do you want to do?" I asked.

Arthur smiled and seemed to perk up a bit, "What about rescuing a princess, fighting a wicked black knight or killing a dragon?" suggested Arthur as he wafted his sword around pretending to kill a dragon, or a black knight or something.

"Okay, you can do it all," I said, relenting as I leaned back on my chair and stretched my neck.

Arthur looked surprised, and stopped waving his sword about, "All, you mean princess, black knight and dragon?" He couldn't believe his luck, over a thousand years of inaction and now, all three things at once.

I chomped a bit of toast as I said, "And a few other things thrown in as well." I gulped, drank some tea, then continued typing.

Spinning round like a whirling dervish he excitedly asked, "So who's this princess we have to rescue then, is she married?"

"It's the princess Arianne," I said, deciding on the name up as I went along, "she is the daughter of King Elder-Lee who has promised to give up to half of his kingdom for his daughter to be rescued and her hand in marriage."

His lips turned down at the edges, "Sounds fair enough. By the way where did you get the names from, a corn flakes packet?"

"Don't be cheeky or I'll spring another monster on you," I chuckled as I typed.

Arthur gulped and decided not to be too cheeky to the author. He jogged Sid the dwarf awake.

"Eh, what?" asked Sid as he shook his head and looked around then, "Oh my poore head."

"In my opinion I think you drank too much, over half the alcohol that was in the well," said Arthur.

Sid knocked Biggs awake, "Wha!" said Biggs, then, "Oh." as he realised he was among friends.

"I've got some new orders you two, we have to rescue the princess Arianne from the black knight and his pet the dragon, if we do I get to marry her and half of her kingdom," chirped Arthur.

"How come you get to marry her, what happens if I rescue her?" bemoaned Biggs.

"Stop bemoaning Biggs, I'm the best looking," said Arthur as he preened and knocked a bit more dust off himself.

"Hrumph!" hrumphed Biggs.

"Stop hrumphing Biggs, it sounds like you've got wind," chided Sid the dwarf.

"Can you stop chiding me please Sid, you overgrown monkey in a man's suit," rebuked Biggs.

"Aye, do ye want me mother-in-law's axe up your gizzard?" threatened Sid as he motioned with his mother-in-law's axe. Biggs frowned at Sid and Sid frowned back. Biggs went for the hilt of his sword.

"Now come on you two, we're down in this dark dungeon with possible monsters all over the place and you want a fight. Just calm down and let's get out of here," said Arthur as he put his hand on Biggs' hand and lightly pushed Sid away.

So grumpily Sid and Biggs helped Arthur to get on the rope that led up to the dangerous room. He climbed up steadily, hand over hand until he got to the top then motioned for the other two to come. When Sid finally climbed out, and after looking back into the well he turned and looked at the fully armoured war-horse." What a lovely creature," he said, "what's his mane?"

"Mane, mane. Surely you mean name?" Said Arthur as he pulled a funny face trying to understand the dwarf's reasoning.

"Sorry, I do Spoonerisms sometimes without knowing," said Sid apologetically.

"We haven't decided on a name yet," said Biggs. "What do you think?"

"What about Fawh, for fully armoured war-horse?" suggested Arthur a light seeming to ping on in his brain.

"A bit of a stupid name for one so good looking isn't it Arthur?" said a sarcastic Biggs not realising that he had also paid Arthur a compliment.

"Go on then, you think of one," retorted Arthur.

Biggs thought for a moment then said in a resigned manner, "Oh never mind, we'll call the dumb animal Fawh."

"Who said I was a dumb animal?" said the fully armoured war-horse.

This shocked Biggs, Arthur and Sid because they hadn't expected a talking fully armoured war-horse.

"We could put him on guard duty, or do the circuses, 'Biggs, Arthur, Sid and the talking horse'," said Sid the dwarf.

"Look Author, why do you insist on ending my speech invariably on 'said Sid the dwarf'? You don't say Biggs the human or Arthur the good looking one," said Sid the dwarf.

"That's it, you said it again. If you don't stop I'll not continue with this adventure," threatened Sid as he thumped his battle-axe on the floor in anger.

"Oh come on Sid, I'm just trying to get a few laughs," I said as I continued to type, hoping that he wouldn't poke his battle axe through the screen to give me a nasal haircut.

"I bet you're just picking on me because I'm short," Sid.

"Oh no I'm not," author.

"Oh yes he is," Biggs and Arthur.

"Right you lot if you don't pack it in I'm going to stop typing!" I said taking my fingers off the keyboard.

Biggs cajoled Arthur, "That's it Arthur, reach out and touch that keyboard. See if you can type us out of here."

Arthur started to type, because after all he was the tallest of the three.

arthr bigs an sid an faw went up. Typed Arthur just as the author came back and slapped his hands. Arthur had done something though. They had all returned to the surface and could now see the rest of the castle rising up into the sky, its granite walls steadfastly assaulting the sheep puff clouds, small plants trying to grow in its nooks and crevices. Birds flitting and flowing in the wind.

"Whew! I don't remember that," said Sid.

"Neither do we, seeing as we only started existing at the beginning of this book," said Biggs.

So they shuffled around a bit and started towards the portcullis that stood at the top of the path that they were now standing on.

As they got nearer to the gate they noticed that there was an ornate brass bell handle on the jamb so Sid decided to try and pull it but he was too small. He bobbed up and down and groaned trying to reach it but to no avail, still grimacing and now trying to pull up his breeches a little more.

Biggs, who had decided to be helpful for once said, "Want some help Sid?"

"Thanks for deciding to be helpful," said Sid as Biggs lifted him up to the door bell.

Sid rang the door bell and a large bronze clang resounded from the bell tower. "That's a loud clang," said Sid the dwarf, who seemed to be getting used to being called Sid the dwarf.

They waited for a while. Sid started to play with his battle-axe. Biggs wanted to pick his nose but after raising his hand to his nose decided that it was better not to in mixed company. Arthur started to whistle.

"Do you have to whistle Arthur, you know how it gets on my nerves," Biggs bemoaned.

"I didn't know that Biggs. Am I supposed to Author?"

"Yes," said I the author.

"Oh. Sorry Biggs but you know that I like to whistle."

"Am I supposed to know that Author?"

"Yes Biggs."

"Oh, well then. I'll have to wear earplugs if you want to whistle," said Biggs taking some sheep's wool from his pouch and stuffing it in his ears, "I knew this would come in useful."

Sid continued to try and pick his nails with his mother-in-law's battle-axe, the point being long enough for his nails but not for his ears.

The door creaked open revealing a monk of the order of Short.

"Oh look a Short Order monk," said Sid as he dropped his mother in law's axe.

"Excuse me mister monk, can you let us into the castle please?" asked Biggs.

"Well not really, you see we monks just rent the front two rooms of this castle from the dark lord and the rest is bricked off. You see we couldn't afford to build a monastery of our own."

"So is there no way in through this entrance?"

"No you'll have to go round the back there's another entrance there but you'll have to go through the Swampy Swamp if you go to the left or over the Gorgey Gorge and across the Rickety Bridge if you go to the right."

"Mmm. I'll have to see what my buddies say. What sayest thou o surly dwarf called Sid?"

"I dunno. Whatever you want."

"Givest thou opinion Arthur of the Britons?"

"I don't like the sound of the Swampy Swamp or the sound of the Rickety Bridge, ask the monk which way he suggests."

The author went to make a cup of coffee.

"That's great isn't it," greated Arthur "We just have to hang around until the author makes his cup of coffee."

"Sorry," said I returning with a steaming cup of coffee.

"Anyway, what's your name brother?" asked Biggs.

"I am Brother Wherewithall but you can call me With."

"That's a funny sort of name for a monk isn't it?"

"Well we're a funny sort of order."

"Short order, With," said Arthur.

"With what?" asked Sid.

"With is short for Wherewithal, and my surname is Crispinson so they call me Crisps."

"So that's Short order, With Crisps."

Arthur stepped forward, "This is our friendly dwarf Sid. He seems to be a bit slow sometimes but I'm sure that's just how the author made him," said Arthur. "My name's Arthur and this is Biggs," he pointed to Biggs with the tip of his sword.

"Pleased to meet you all. Well I think that the best way is over the Rickety Bridge but with that fully armoured war horse of yours I think that it might collapse. I know my way through the Swamp but you still have to be careful of the swamp thing."

Arthur clutched his collar and feigned a shiver, "That sounds ominous. We've just had to fight a dark and dire monster."

"Of the hulking breathing type?" asked With.

"Yes, how did you know that?" questioned Sid.

With proceeded to tell them, "Oh that's one of my specialities, knowing about monsters," he started to reel off his skills, "then there's medicine, astrophysics, veterinary surgery, mathematics, law, pottery, poetry, English literature, and the casting out of demons."

"Ooh!" Exclaimed the three buddies together, all surprised and awed at the last skill.

"Isn't that last one a bit cranky, you know, a bit weird?" asked Arthur, pointing a finger in With's direction.

Surprised by their audacity he answered them, "Well what else are monks useful for, if you want me on the case then you have to accept me C.V. and all," he nodded his head to bring home the force of his argument.

"All right then, being the battle chieftain leader of the Britons I delegate thee the Royal monk in charge of all those things that you can do and casting out demons," delegated Arthur.

Sid and Biggs stepped forward and started to pat With on the back and shake his hand.

"Well we've got a monk, a dwarf, a fighter and a fool all we need now is a wizard," said Biggs.

With looked aghast, "No, I'm sorry, you can't have a wizard and a Christian monk, they just don't go."

"Why's that?" asked Sid the dwarf.

"Well one of my jobs is to cast out demons and the wizard uses his power which he derives from demons."

"So then, you'd have to cast out his demons and then he'd be powerless," said Arthur.

"Yes."

"Couldn't we have a pretend wizard, you know, one who does conjuring tricks and flashes and bangs etc."

"Well of course, I wouldn't object to that, in fact I know of someone. Where is his card?" After patting around his cassock With brought out a card and gave it to Arthur. "Here it is."

Arthur read slowly, "Uncle Lee, balloon modelling, conjuring tricks, puppetry and bad jokes. 32 Orange Bush Lane, Undercastleton." He peered at the monk then asked him, "Where's Undercastleton With?"

"Oh it's the other side of the castle, on a little windy road in the valley. If we get around the other side I'll take you down," he turned and went inside the monastery shouting, "let me just get my backpack and staff," as he went.

After getting his backpack and staff, brother With closed the big double doors and put a note on the door. Enter at own risk.

They all started off in the direction of the Rickety Bridge whistling a happy tune.

CHAPTER THREE

A bird tweeted on the gnarled, dead carcass of a tree. The sun baked the Gorgey Gorge and a light breeze wafted the dead leaves and dry grass.

Over the rise appeared the little band of adventurers, Sid still trying to whistle his favourite tune. They came to the Rickety Bridge. It looked very rickety.

"This bridge looks very rickety, and look how many spells are missing," said Arthur in a typical battle chieftain's upper class tones.

"I told you it was," said With. "Let me make a suggestion. I'll go across to check it's still safe and you choose someone to go with me."

Arthur looked at Sid, "Sid, you go with With seeing as you're the smallest and lightest."

"What do I want to go with With for, with all respects Arthur I don't have the wherewithal to go with Wherewithal."

"Will you go Biggs?" asked Arthur.

"I don't want to go with him."

"I'll go," said Fawh.

"Oh, a talking horse," said With.

"Yes a talking horse," said Arthur. "No Fawh, you're too heavy it has to be Sid the dwarf or nothing."

"Please let it be nothing," quivered Sid as another set of arrows fell from the sky.

"Impressive," said With, "I'll go on my own and take a rope with me."

With alighted the Rickety Bridge and carefully trod upon each spell. There was a creak and one of the spells gave way so that he had to grab hold of the ropes on each side. The bridge seemed very rickety but With made it across and tied the rope to another tree stump.

"I'll go second," said Biggs and he tied the other end of the safety rope to his waist and picked his way across. (This time without his pick.)

Biggs untied the rope and tied a big stick to it then hurled it across to Sid who bound it round his waist. The bridge creaked and another spell broke.

Lastly Arthur spoke to Fawh, "We'll have to leave you here for now old chap."

"I understand," whinnied Fawh.

Arthur also nearly made it all the way across but fell through the floor of the bridge. Fortunately his cape caught on a piece of the bridge and he just hung there, swinging in the wind.

"Well can't you give me a hand then you lot?" He shouted to the others.

Biggs piped up, "Stop complaining Arthur, the author won't have you fall into that yawning chasm."

Just then the chasm yawned and said, "Just leave him there please, I haven't eaten in ages."

This scared Arthur so much that he kicked and struggled and managed to get a hand hold on another part of the bridge. Pulling himself up he then dragged himself across the rest of the bridge. "That's it you lot, what are friends for if they can't rescue you," he puffed and panted.

"I'm sorry Arthur," said Biggs, "I would of rescued you if I hadn't been acting so clever."

"I would have rescued you as well," said Sid, "but all that drink I had last night has worn off."

"I was praying for you Arthur," said With, "and it must have worked because you're safe now."

"Very funny With, it was the fear of getting eaten by a chasm that rescued me." Arthur dusted himself off. "Come on then, let's get going then."

"Bye Fawh, see you at the castle gates," shouted Sid.

"I can get to mum's at ten to ten," said the author's wife who was helping him by reading the story out loud while he typed.

They all rambled down the hill and into the valley and it took a good fifteen minutes to get in to the first town, one of two in the valley, it was called g;lkhglkhg.

The town of g;lkhglkhg was a nice little market town but was not as friendly as Undercastleton. It was a market day and the smell of sheep and cattle was in the air.

"Excuse me Author, why is this town called g;lkhglkhg?" asked Sid.

I replied, "When I was typing I couldn't think of a name so I just hit a few keys."

"But g;lkhglkhg is a bit hard to pronounce," said Biggs, "especially with that semi-colon as the second letter, why don't you change it?"

"Any suggestions?" I asked.

"Hummm," said Sid, "You could call it Geetooelkhage because you've got a gee and two lkhg's."

"Or Gilkhag by Elkhag," said Arthur.

"OK, we'll call it Gilkhag by Elkhag," said the author, "and we'll do the entering town bit again."

The town of Gilkhag by Elkhag was a nice little market town except that it wasn't by Elkhag at all, it was by Undercastleton.

It was market day and they all pushed through the crowd. There were many sights and sounds, cattle lowing, market traders shouting their wares, street entertainers performing.

A juggler, a one eyed juggler, was throwing fire sticks.

"How did you lose your eye?" asked Sid.

"Somebody asked me a question while I was juggling," replied the juggler as he dropped his fire sticks one by one.

"Sorry!" said Sid. "Here, have a couple of shillings."

"Oranges, lemons Bell's of St. Clemens," pitched a fruiterer.

"Isn't that a children's rhyme Sir?" asked Arthur.

"No, my name's Ivan Bell, and I'm a fruiterer from St. Clemens, do you want to buy something?"

"Erm," ermed Arthur, "some oranges and lemons Mister Bell's from St. Clemens."

Ivan handed Arthur the fruit and asked, "Two silver please?"

"Would that be two silver shillings, or two silver united fantasy currency units?"

"We're not unionists here. Give me two shillings."

"Ouch!" said the purse, "Did you have to dig into me so hard?"

"Great," greated Arthur, "a talking purse. Listen Author, does everything speak in this fantasy world?"

"Only if I think it might get a laugh," I replied.

"Har, har. There's your laugh," harred Arthur.

They continued past the other stalls. A small crowd had gathered around a puppet theatre and were listening to the antics of the puppets Joe and Joella. Joe began to speak in his low voice, "Don't you call me a liar Joella, otherwise I'll bless you."

"I haven't sneezed yet Joe," replied the high pitched voice of Joella.

"You will if I bless you with a brotherly slap round the nose."

"Violence breeds violence. I'll call the Sheriff of Undercastleton."

"Oh no you won't."

And the crowd joined in, "Oh yes she will."

"Oh no you won't," said Joe again.

"Oh yes she will," replied the crowd.

"That's it," Joella strumped "Sheriff, Joe's going to beat me."

Joe fell to the stage floor, motionless and a few seconds later the sheriff came through the door.

"Now then, now then, now then. What have we here? A fight, a brawl, a breach of the peace or just a family dispute?" thundered the Sheriff.

"A family dispute," whined Joella.

"And I can guess who it is who is causing it. Come on then Joe, I want you to come down to the prison with me."

"Oh please don't, I'll say sorry and never do it again."

"OK then, say it."

"Sorry and never do it again."

"Righto then I'll let you go. And let that be a moral to you children, you can truly be forgiven if you say sorry and repent."

The curtains closed and about two minutes later a medium sized mandarin vacated the puppet theatre and started to offer his hat around.

"This is Brother Lee," said With as he introduced Lee to the others. Then, "This is Arthur of the Britons, Sir Biggs and Sid the dwarf," as he introduced the others to Lee. "Would you come to adventure with us?" he asked.

"Well, it is the height of the tourist season here in Gilkhag by Elkhag and Undercastleton."

"Rescue a princess?" offered With.

"A princess you say? Well I might think about it."

"Defeat a dark lord," said Sid the dwarf.

"I don't know."

"Kill a fire breathing dragon," said Biggs.

"Uum."

"Get half of the kingdom and the princesses hand in marriage for me," putted in Arthur.

"I don't think so," said Lee, shaking his head.

"You'd better do it or else," said a voice.

"Who said that?" asked Brother Lee.

Said the author, "Yes it was me."

"Well that puts a different perspective on it then doesn't it? Just let me get my gear and while I'm provisioning myself you can all have a cup of tea."

The group trooped over a bridge and into Undercastleton the friendlier of the two towns.

Brother Lee's cottage had a lovely rose hedge with a gate leading into a well stocked herb garden. He fumbled for the key hanging around his neck.

"Please come in," he said as he opened the door.

They entered into the roomy but well cluttered hall and began to dump their rucksacks on the floor by the bookcase and piano.

Sid the dwarf looked admiringly, "'Tis a nice place you have here Lee, do ye own it yerself?"

"I do Sid, paid for with my puppet theatre and conjuring tricks. I get fifty gold coloured coins an hour for children's parties!"

"I could do puppet theatres, Uncle Sid, children's dwarf entertainer."

"I could do them as well, Uncle Arthur of the Britons, children's kingly entertainer."

Biggs started, "I could do them as well, Uncle..."

"I think that's enough," said the author, "things are starting to get silly, you can't carry a joke on that long."

"Monty Python sketches do," dobbed Biggs.

"And so do Sesame Street sketches," said Sid the dwarf.

The others looked at Sid as he curled up on the nice high backed armchair in front of the empty fire grate.

"The kettle's on in the kitchen. Do you all take milk and sugar?" asked Lee.

"Two for me and no milk," said Biggs.

"All the rest have milk and one sugar," said Arthur.

Sid piped, "None for me and no sugar."

"Yearch!" chorused the others who all looked at Sid with disdain.

"It must be because he's a Scottish dwarf," thought Arthur out loud.

Sid decided to help Lee, "I'll help you make the tea," he said. "I can make it as well as my mother-in-law."

Suddenly Sid's mother-in-law fell from the roof. "Right then, I'll make the tea and you lot sit down," said Sid the dwarf's mother-in-law.

Brother Lee was quite bemused but showed Sid's mother-in-law to the kitchen, "Here's the crockery and the tea bags are in this pot, here's the milk and sugar," showed Lee.

Sid's mother-in-law was amazing, tea and crumpets and the washing up afterwards. Everyone agreed that she did a good job.

"That was very nice Sid's mother-in-law, by the way what do we call you?" wanted to know Arthur.

"You can call me Mum," she said just before she disappeared up into the roof again.

"That's very useful of her Sid", said Biggs "does she always drop in unexpectedly, like?"

"At the oddest times, but she has a good heart and a beautiful dwarven daughter who has a fair beard." Sid spoke remembering his wife. "I hope this adventure doesn't take too long I want to get back to her and the sprogs."

Lee walked back into the room and addressed the assembly, "I'm ready now, I've packed some useful things into my giant rucksack."

"Righto, I'm the leader", said Arthur "so we'll go. Have you remembered everything Lee?"

Lee thought for a moment and then said, "The next door neighbour's looking after the cat and the dragon can look after himself."

Sid looked especially afraid, "D, d, dragon!"

"Yes, it's a Chinese dinosaur that spits a kind of acid, like a bombardier beetle. It's only a baby at the moment, about twenty foot (5 ½ metres) long. Oh, and contrary to popular opinion it can't fly, the ones that do are called Pteranadons or Pterodactyls, but they don't breathe acid," Lee elucidated.

They all looked at each other and then Arthur led the way to the hall, "I wish these rucksacks weren't so heavy." He groaned as he put his on.

When they were ready, Brother Lee locked the door and stroked the dragon goodbye then they set off again to the castle.

CHAPTER FOUR

It took a good half hour to find their way back to the bridge and Fawh. The sun was high in the sky and they were getting quite hot. Arthur shouted across to Fawh, "All right boy, we'll be over soon."

They had bought some boards with them and Arthur went over first putting the planks in between the rope holdings of the bridge. He stroked Fawh and gave him some sugar, "Righto then you lot, assemble on the near bank, pronto."

Biggs sulked, "Oh yes Great Arthur of the Britons."

"Are you sulking again Biggs, if you keep on sulking I'm not going to keep you second in charge." shouted Arthur.

"Do you have to shout Arthur, I have a headache from this hot sun," moaned Biggs.

"Sulking and moaning now is it, well then, With, have you got anything in that medicine bag to cure a headache?" questioned Arthur in a sort of quizzical way.

The rest of the band all walked across the safer rickety bridge, which was now christened the safer bridge, and With opened his medical bag and drew out a stethoscope, a pressure gauge and a box of Aspirin. After listening to Biggs's heart and taking his blood pressure he said, "Take two of these and lie down for half an hour in the shade."

"Well that's put a kybosh on the adventure, we've only been gone half an hour and now we're having to stop," wailed Arthur.

"You do realise that we have to go back the other way to the front of the castle," said Biggs, "because the back door is the only way in, unless you want to try to find your way in through the dungeon?"

This jolted Arthur, "Oh yes, I forgot about that. Well then while we have some lunch and a cup of tea and you rest in the shade of this gnarled tree with this twittering bird, we'll discuss it and then take a vote on the best way in."

Lee put some flash powder on the floor and some dry twigs and touched it with a spark from his tinder box, the fire flashed into life.

"Whay-hay," whay-hayed Sid, "that's useful stuff, what is it?"

"It's called flash powder," Lee replied, "it'll be really useful if we come across any monsters in the dark."

"I think we ought to take the dungeon route," thought Biggs, "because we might not be let in at the back door."

"Sensible," empathised Arthur," it's no good advertising that we're trying to rescue a princess from the dark lord by ringing on his door bell and asking us to let him in."

"We could pretend to be travelling minstrels," suggested With, "I can juggle a bit."

"I can sing, 'I'll tek the high road and you'll tek the low road...'" sang Sid.

"I can do a puppet theatre and some balloon modelling," said Lee.

"I think that is a good suggestion," encouraged Arthur, "but where are we going to get minstrel and jugglers outfits from?"

Suddenly some outfits fell from the sky.

"Thanks, Author," thanked Arthur, "you'd think with all his power of imagination he'd get us into the castle no problem."

"I can't Arthur," said I, "I've got to make the story about 26,000 words long and if I make it too easy for you then the book isn't so long and I might not get paid so much money. Any way, hardship creates character and that's what I want from you."

"I think we ought to try blowing our way through the monastery wall," suggested Sid.

"That's a real advert for us, 'Listen to this big bang Mister Dark Lord, sir, and come and get us'," irked Biggs.

"I think we should try to get in at the back door first then if that fails or we're separated, then we'll enter by the dungeon," said Arthur. "Let's take a vote on it."

They all raised their hands and so it was decided. Lee put some dirt on the fire and they all got dressed in the outfits. One by one they all walked across the bridge and Sid carefully led Fawh across last.

The castle loomed into view and they traversed the pathway to the back door. Sid rang the door bell again, because he was fond of doing it. A little hatch opened and a dark and dirty face looked out, "Yes, what do you want?" said the face.

"Aagh, stinking goblin," Sid whispered loudly.

"What did he say?" asked the goblin. "Is he a dwarf, he smells like one?"

"He said 'A sinking oblong', he's got some oblong trousers and they're starting to fall down. And he's not a dwarf, he's a midget who has been around horses too long," explained Arthur.

Sid gave Arthur a dagger-like look but decided not to say anything.

"What do you want then?" enquired the goblin.

"We are minstrels, jugglers and entertainers come to entertain your most gracious lord," ingratiated Biggs (second in command.)

"I'll have to ask, you'll have to wait out there," grimaced the goblin. He closed the hatch.

"The devil's own creatures," spat Sid.

"Now Sid if you carry on acting like that you're going to jeopardise the whole mission," chided Arthur.

"Goblins killed my father and my grand-father and I hate them with all my heart," venom flamed from Sid's heart.

Sympathy flowed from With's mouth, "I know how you feel Sid, but you can't hold a grudge all your life, it's not healthy for you."

"I've been told that before, but I'm not forgiving them, no way," refused Sid.

"I have no time to deal with it now," said With, "you will have to pray with me later."

There was a scuffling behind the door and the goblins face appeared again. "You can come in you three, but leave the dwarf and the monk behind."

"How could you tell I was a monk?" asked a surprised With.

"You're tonsure; I hate monks coming to the door saying, 'Have you thought about eternal life?' It makes me sick it does."

Arthur whispered, "Okay you two, take Fawh and put into action plan two."

"Well come on then you 'entertainers' come in." The goblin smarmed as he poened the door (it's a new way of opening it.)

"Lee you sater, chaps," spoonerised With. Sid looked relieved as he and With took Fawh and started towards the dungeon.

The air was dank and musty and other foul odours ensued from the mouth of the main hall but to get there they had to pass through the reception area. A desk with a small bell resting on it was to their left and as they began to walk past it another goblin popped his head up and shouted, "You can't go in unless you've signed the hotel's visitor's book." He swung the book around and offered a quill to Arthur who took it and wrote 'Arthur (of the Britons)'. Then Biggs signed 'Biggs (second in command)' and Lee signed 'Lee (children's entertainer)'.

"Alright, you can follow Ugbash into the main hall, drinking, women in your rooms and taking drugs are expressly allowed but no preaching, singing nice songs or clean jokes," grunted the goblin behind the desk.

Ugbash it turned out was the goblin from the door and he led them into the Great Hall. What a stink, the place had not been cleaned in ages. They found a clear floor space and brother Lee started to set up his puppet theatre. Ugbash torpured a, "After you finish here, (yawn), I'll show you to your rooms till evening meal, then you can entertain the Dark Lord and his son, Master Dark Lord, for it is his birthday today."

Lee took out two bundles of sticks and pulled each of the bundles into a framework of crossed braces held together by bolts, he then stood one on top of the other and began to cover it in a striped cloth. The others stood and watched in amazement at how quickly the theatre took shape. Arthur walked back to the archway and called Ugbash.

The goblin bumbled in and motioned with his hands while chewing on a chicken leg. He led them up some stairs and into an empty room with a big king-sized bed. "You'll have to make-do in here; you'll all have to sleep in one bed."

They looked disdainfully at each other and plonked their rucksacks on the floor then Arthur and Biggs sat on the bed. Lee looked through the barred window, "A veritable fortress," he mused, "I wonder how the others will get on?"

Back over the Rickety bridge and past the front gate of the castle/monastery, walked Sid, With and Fawh. "I know the entrance was around here," dithered Sid, "but where I just don't know."

With found something lying on the ground, "What's this?"

It was a signpost and it read 'The secret underground entrance to the Dark Lord's castle, this way'.

"That was a bit of luck," enthused With, and he walked towards the secret underground entrance to the Dark Lord's castle.

Again it was a dark and dismal place and Sid lit a lamp, "My dwarvish eyes aren't what they used to be," he moaned.

The dark, mildew coated, metal studded, green lacquered, warped and flea bitten oak doors both stood open. "That's funny," said Sid, "the other dark, mildew coated, metal studded, green lacquered, warped and flea bitten oak door to the left was not open when we came last time."

Tentatively he crept to the door and removed his battle axe from his belt, he motioned to With to prepare a flash bomb from the flash powder. "After three With and throw it in, but close your eyes until it goes off. One, two, three."

With threw the flash bomb into the room and after a short pause they both rushed in to see a small man chained to the wall clenching his eyes shut. Sid sniffed the air, "Smells like a pansy elf to me," he grumped.

"I am not effeminate, but compared to your mother-in-law I am," said the elf.

Both Sid and With looked up to the ceiling to see if Sid's mother-in-law was going to fall from it but nothing happened. "She must be doing the hoovering," said Sid.

With bent down to the elf and looked at his chains, "How did you get into this mess?"

"I tried to rescue my betrothed who has been taken by the Dark Lord. I think they're saving me to eat later."

"How are we going to get his chains off Sid?" asked With.

"Me battle axe will do it, hold your left hand on this stone."

"You might chop his hand off Sid," wittered With.

"He's only a pansy elf, any way I'm good with this axe."

The elf put his hand to the stone and Sid took three chops to break the metal wristlet, then Sid took four chops to break the other.

"Thank you surly dwarf, I owe you my life," thanked the elf.

"What is your name elf?" asked With.

"'Tis Alf, Alf the elf," elfed Alf.

"Well then Alf, our friends are in the Dark Lord's castle at this moment trying to rescue the princess Arianne and we are trying to get in to help them by this route. Would you like to join us?" asked With.

"That is very kind of you but I have no armour or weapons," grieved Alf.

"Leave that up to me," said Sid the dwarf. "Oh fine Author, one that provides for us, the golden handed one whose creations are witty and bright....."

Suddenly a full suit of elven chain mail and a delicate glowing sword fell from the ceiling.

"Wow," wowed Alf, "look at the sword, it's got a battery in the hilt that gives an electric shock if it hits, very useful if you're fighting goblins in armour." He shimmied into the chain armour and clicked off the sword to save its battery. "I'm ready, shall we go to get him?"

CHAPTER FIVE

Lee was reading his bible, Biggs and Arthur were playing travel chess. A small skinny child peeped around the corner, "Are you the ones doing my puppet theatre?"

They all looked round at this scruffy waif, "Your puppet theatre, who are you?" enquired Lee.

"I'm little Lord D'ark, and it's my birthday today, I'm six," warbled the youngster.

"Oh, really, we only came by chance, but it is good that we can be of service," said Arthur.

"I've got to help my mummy make the sandwiches, my favourite, tripe and jelly," said little D'ark

"I didn't expect to have to play for kids. Goblin kids are the worse," Lee shook his head.

Ugbash walked briskly into the room, "The little guests have started to arrive downstairs. My kids will enjoy it too. Come on then."

Ugbash led the way down into the main hall. All the children were playing up, there were two goblin children in the puppet theatre standing on a chair with puppets dangling from their hands. Another human child was nearly ripping the puppet theatre cover trying to see the others. Children were fighting on the table, rolling around in the food and the rest were screaming and running all over the room.

"Oh, it's not that bad," remarked Lee, "it's usually worse than this."

Ugbash shouted, "Right, you lot, shut up, sit down or I'll beat you up!"

Most of the children looked round and Ugbash tapped a stick on his palm. Ten seconds later all was nearly quiet. "Now then, you lot," he said," these three gentlemen have come to entertain you for little Paul's birthday party, he's six today." Ugbash started to clap and cheer and gestured to Lee, Arthur and Biggs that they could start.

Lee whispered to Arthur, "Can you juggle or anything like that?"

"Uh-oh," Arthur replied, "I can only juggle with two balls."

Lee passed him two balls and said, "Get juggling," and then he said to Biggs, "so what can you do?"

"I'm good at sword-fighting."

"That's no good, you'll have to be a horse, get on your hands and knees," ordered Lee.

Biggs obeyed and was immediately mounted by three goblin children who prodded, kicked and thumped him. He tried to crawl around but more children tried climbing on top of him.

Lee managed to remove the children from the theatre and said a quick prayer while he prepared to do his puppet theatre. Arthur dropped one of the balls and a human child picked it up and ran under the table with it. The king of the Britons bumped his head on the table, "OOUCHH! These horrid little kids," he said rubbing his head and then bumping into Ugbash.

"I thought you were an entertainer," said the goblin, "you're not controlling your emotions very well."

Alf led the way, "My eyes are better than yours in the dark, where's the map?"

Sid got the map out and spread it on the floor, "I think we're here," he said, "near the guards chamber, if were not careful there'll be some goblins in it. Isn't there another way round, a secret passage?"

"Of course there is," said the map, "but you'll have to be nice to me."

Alf looked surprised, "A talking map, how do you want us to be nice to you?"

"I want a leather case, and I want to be poking out of Sid's rucksack so I can see what's going on."

"Can't get you a leather case yet, but you can poke out of the top of my rucksack," said Sid the dwarf.

"Well then," replied the map, "I'll have to tell you the secret route in a riddle:

When all is done then you shall find,

a secret door, just use your mind,

look for a hole that is head high,

and listen for the eerie sigh."

"What's the all that wants to be done?" whatted Sid.

"Maybe it's actually getting nearer to the goblin guardroom," suggested Alf.

With said, "I can use my mind."

"I'm sure you can," whinnied Fawh, "but do we look for a hole that is my head high, a dwarf head high or a human head high?"

They all hmmmed in unison, then Sid the dwarf said, "Look for a hole that's just about the same height as Alf's head because this place was made by goblins."

Alf turned round and glared at Sid, "Are you saying that I'm no better than a goblin?"

"Well, if you look in the Silmarillion by Tolkien you'll find you are related," said Sid.

"And what are you related to, Sid, warthog?" jibed Fawh.

"Do you want to be half a horse, Fawh? I can oblige with my axe?" brandished Sid.

"We must stop arguing," pacified With, "I think that you are right Sid, we should start looking now for the hole, about 150 cms high."

As they started to look around the passageway they realised that there were holes all over the walls, they began to panic and rush up and down the passage. "Let's not panic," whispered With, think about the other part of the riddle, 'and listen for the eerie sigh'."

"I've got the best ears, I'll listen, be quiet you lot," hushed Alf. He walked smoothly down the passage listening for the telltale sigh, but nothing. Then he started on the right side of the passage, and about half way down he stopped, "I hear it, a sigh, here listen."

The others came over in a sort of coming over fashion and listened, he was right, a low sigh issued forth.

"It could be a sighing monster issuing forth, let's have a look in the tome." Sid swung his rucksack round and pulled out the tome. Flicking through it he came to the S's. "Soup Dragon, Succubith, Sighing monster (issuing forth.) Be careful, it says, they bite your hands off. Grreat. I'm not sticking my hand in that hole."

"Don't be silly, it can't be a sighing monster in this place, it must just be the wind," said Alf, "I'll find out if there's a secret passage handle or not." He gingerly placed his hand near the hole and pushed it in, for a second everything seemed to go well then he yelled, "I can't get my hand out of the hole, it's eating me, yaargh!" He thrashed around, dangling from the wall.

The others grabbed him and pulled, With looking for his hand. There was no hand at the end, "Oh my Lord," he cried, "he's lost his hand."

"Only fooling," laughed Alf as he punched his fist out of his armhole.

The others started to punch him because they cared about him until he yelled, "Enough, you're hurting me."

As they stopped they realised that a secret door had indeed opened in the wall, "Come on then, seeing as you found it, pansy you can go in first," ordered Sid.

Alf took the lamp and entered followed by the others, Sid closed the secret door and they all walked down the passageway not knowing what was ahead.

"Tell me if Joe turns up," said Joella, "he's got to come in for his tea." Joella disappeared under the stage.

Joe appeared "Hello." The children went wild, "He's there, he's there," they shouted.

Joella popped up again, "Where is he children?"

They all shouted, "Behind you, behind you."

The puppets moved around each other, Joella unable to see Joe.

"He's there, he's there," they shouted again.

A tall goblin child shouted, "Are you stupid? He's on your head." He walked over to the puppets and pulled Joe off Lee's hand then pushed Joe into Joella.

Lee shouted, "If you're not going to be good, the puppet theatre will stop, now give me back my puppet."

The tall goblin child threw the puppet into the puppet theatre, the other children also started to throw food into it and they ended up charging up to and tearing the cloth covering of the puppet theatre. Lee stood there still trying to wriggle the Joe puppet onto his left hand. "Helllllp!"

"Right," righted Ugbash, as he chased children around with his stick until they had settled down.

They were poring over the map, and the map did not like it at all, "Make up your mind you lot, and try not to poke me."

"Because this is a secret passage, we don't know where it will come out unless the map tells us, and he's being funny because he doesn't have a leather cover," commented Sid.

With pointed to the map, "We will probably come out near the throne room, because this is probably an escape passage for the Dark Lord."

"It might be guarded," said Arthur, who wasn't supposed to be there and just as quickly vanished.

"That's true," thought Alf. "We will have to wait till night so that we can be sure that nobody is there, but how can we tell it's night?"

"I'll tell you," said the author. And they all seemed pleased with that so they waited.

"I think that was a really well entertained party," said Ugbash, trying to be enthusiastic.

"Oh, I thought it didn't go too well, Biggs has a few bruises and my puppet theatre needs a major repair."

"As I said it was good. You can rest now, then eat with the Dark Lord tonight, a bit of light entertainment would be delightful. You may go back to your room or you can use the facilities for guests on the ground floor, the pool, snooker or the casino. Please do not use the restricted parts of the castle, some areas are structurally unsound."

Arthur thanked Ugbash, Lee and Biggs started to put the puppet theatre wreck away. After, they all went back to their room.

Arthur tapped his fingers on the alcove wall in the room, "What do you think?"

"About the facilities," asked Biggs.

"No, about the 'structurally unsound parts of the castle'. Sounds like they don't want prying eyes prowling around."

Biggs looked up, "We'll wait till dark then."

"I say we go swimming first, then snooker," suggested Lee.

"We'll have to stay away from gambling, for now, unless we need clues to the whereabouts of the princess," Arthur spoke straightforwardly, with an air of authority.

Biggs looked at Arthur, his eyes half closed, his mouth pursed and sweating, "We should wait till dark to look around."

They all got their costumes and towels and headed off to the pool.

"Okay, it's night now," said the author.

"Oh, thanks," said a drowsy Sid.

"Are you sure, Author?" asked Alf.

"Not really," said the author, "but I'll make it dark for you if you like."

"Did you hear that, will it be completely dark?" asked With.

"For as long as you want," said the author.

"Okay," they said.

So, strangely it went dark.

"Right then, let's go," ordered Sid as he pushed the oak panel open into the darkened room beyond.

Alf peered ahead, "Can't see much, shine the lamp ahead."

The light shone and bounced off myriads of mirrors.

"A mirror room," observed With, "how are we going to find our way back out if we have to leave by this exit?"

"Mmmm," mmmd Sid, "I've got some darning wool here, we could use this."

"Okay, my sense of direction is best, because of my ears." So Alf began to listen his way through the mirrored maze, followed by Sid, then With. Fawh brought up the rear, accidentally catching the wool on his saddle and snapping it. After a few minutes and going round in circles Fawh asked, "Where's Sid?"

"With With," said Alf.

"Where's With?"

"With Sid."

"Okay, neigh more messing around, where's Sid and With?"

"Here we are," chimed Sid and With.

"We're lost, aren't we?" said Sid the dwarf as he leaned on the wall, pushing open a mirrored section that led into a trophy room. He then fell on the floor with an 'Ooof'.

There were heads of all kinds of mysterious and fantastic creatures on the walls, glass cases full of artefacts and dark, evil looking banners were interspaced with them.

"A real hunting fellow, this Dark Lord," noticed Sid.

"Oh, look, he hunts dwarves too," laughed Alf.

Sid held his throat as he looked at a stuffed dwarf's head, then choked out, "And elves."

Alf started to shake.

"You pansy elf," derided Sid, "this is the fellow who has your beloved and the one we are quested to kill."

"This is my Uncle Sid, the elf," said Alf.

"I don't believe it, this was my Uncle Alf the dwarf," motioned Sid, "They must have been in the Goblin Wars together." They both started to well up and hugged each other until Sid felt embarrassed and said quietly, "That's enough, pansy."

"By my electric sword, I shall take the ears of the Dark Lord for the head of my uncle," said Alf.

"Tell you what, I'll give you two gold pieces and a stuffed goldfish for the head of your uncle," interjected Sid.

"Don't be silly Sid, this is an impassioned matter," With pleaded with Sid.

Sid looked at the armoury, "Shall we equip ourselves with these ornate weapons?"

"That's stealing," said With.

"Oh, okay then. I was only thinking we could borrow them."

"We don't need them," blustered Alf, "you told me that you just have to compliment the author!"

"Can't we find the door?" asked Fawh, "I need to relieve myself."

"Quick, let's find the door," said Alf.

They found the door behind a curtain, Alf peeped out on to a dim passageway.

A goblin guard slept near some double doors.

Alf turned round and placed his index finger to his lips.

He crept up to the goblin and bashed him over the head, the guard slipped to the floor. Sid booted one of the doors open and they discovered the castle's toilets.

"Guarding a toilet?" quizzed Alf.

"Uh-oh, I think he was waiting for his mate, look under there," said Sid.

They saw a large pair of feet under the door of a cubicle.

"Whoops," whoopsed Sid, "a big hobgoblin about seven foot tall."

They looked at each other and all but Fawh scrambled into a cubicle. Fawh reversed into another but couldn't close the door, he then relieved himself.

They heard a toilet flush and listened together in the cramped cubicle. A door opened. Big footsteps on the tiles, the washing of hands and a spit in the sink, then more footsteps and a kick of a door.

"Oi, you lazy slob, wake up!"

A bit of slapping, then, "Idunno, come on."

"I'm sure someone 'it me on the 'ed," said Idunno as he rubbed his bump.

"It must 'ave been that 'oss in the cubicle. Come on, let's go to the pool."

The four compatriots stopped fretting.

"Wee," sploosh went Arthur into the pool, "I haven't had this much fun since they dropped me in the drink on the way to Avalon."

"So you didn't drown then?" asked Biggs.

"Shut up, you, you brainwashed pedagogue," insulted Arthur.

"Pedagogue, I've heard of the word but I don't know what one is?" said Lee.

"He doesn't either," explained Biggs, "but it's a good insult."

"I think we ought to be getting off now anyway, there are not many people here," said Arthur.

Lee swam over to a goblin in green swimming trunks, "Friend, I hear that there's some beautiful women staying here."

"Go away, Chink," growled the goblin.

"That's uncivil of you, old chap," rebutted Lee.

"Well, I'm supposed to be, I'm a goblin." He then relented, "Yeah, there are some beauties, but none as petulant as those two on the top floor," he winked and nudged Lee.

"So the top floor's best, is it?" asked Lee.

"Ooh, you can't get up there, there's too many guards," the goblin wiggled his fingers and shook his head.

Lee swam to the other two and waved to the goblin, "She's on the top floor," he whispered, "with another one as well."

"Good," said Arthur, "now we know, we can make plans, get lost on purpose, etc."

"That goblin was quite nice actually," said Lee.

"So's the devil, he's a charming fellow as well," reasoned Biggs.

"Come on then," said Arthur, "Let's get changed and find this princess." He swam to the end of the pool and got out.

At the end of the passage, Alf held Sid back, "Stop, there's someone coming, quick, look like tourists."

Alf, Sid and With got some newspapers out, sat down and began to read. A troop of goblins, dressed in shell suits, jogged by.

"This must be the hotel to come to if you're a goblin," said Sid.

"I smell dwarf," said one of the goblins.

"It's the horse," said Alf.

"Thanks," said Fawh.

A few goblins looked at each other, but carried on.

"Whew, that was close. Can't you shave your beard off, Sid? You'll look like a midget then," suggested Alf.

"Don't be so silly, it's taken me fifty years to get this growth right," admonished Sid.

"Well, you've got to do something about the smell. I don't mind, I've lived around dwarves before, but these goblins can smell you a mile off," Alf held his nose.

"Let's find this pool, there must be some place to bathe here," said With.

"Oh, alright," grumped Sid.

"I've got this false chin in my rucksack," offered Alf, "you can hide your beard with that."

"Thanks," thanked Sid.

They looked for signs for the way to the pool.

Arthur, Biggs and Lee had all got changed and were just leaving when they bumped into Sid, Alf, With and Fawh at the entrance to the pool.

"You made it," exclaimed an excited Biggs.

"Aye, we did that, an' we picked up a pansy elf as well," said Sid the dwarf. Then, "This is Arthur of the Britons, Biggs (second in command) and Uncle Lee – children's entertainer." Then he introduced Alf, "And this is Alf, the pansy elf. We've just found out that our uncles were in the Goblin Wars together."

"What, the first Goblin War or the second?" asked Biggs.

"The third," said Alf wryly, then, "anyway, we have to wash Sid, the goblins can smell him a mile off and he needs some good deodorant as well."

"I'll help him get washed," said Biggs, "while you lot go back to the room."

So Sid and Biggs went to the showers while the others went to their room.

CHAPTER SIX

They were all resting. Sid who was lying on the bed with his hands clasped behind his head, "I think we ought to split into two groups, so if one doesn't get through, then the other does."

"Good idea Sid, but I think three groups would be good, then all we need are three good ideas," suggested Arthur. "Biggs and Lee can go together dressed as goblins, have you got the masks Biggs?"

"Yeah, but I don't like playing a goblin, they're so coarse."

"Well then, who wants to be the second goblin?" asked Arthur.

"I will," said a humble With, "I've seen how goblins act, living in the monastery."

"Okay then, that's plan one, you two can change guard with any goblins guarding the princesses. Any suggestions for plan two?" Arthur looked around hoping for other ideas.

"I could pretend to be another prisoner, dressed as a princess," suggested Alf.

"You big pansy," growled Sid.

"I'll have you know, my family is renowned for its acting skills. My father is the great Llendro Felende Galladrene, the working king of the stage," Alf looked down his nose and held onto an imaginary looking jacket collar.

"That's what I want to know, why do all you elves have big complicated names?" asked Sid, "And why haven't you?"

"My name is Alfonso Felendre Galladrene, Prince of the Northern great wood elves, grandson of Peterni Bingalonga Galladrene the great elf, guardian of the shells of peace, defender of the faith, hope of the underdog, master of the lieu rolls and heir to the throne of the great Northern Alliance. But you can call me Alf for short."

"That sounds like a good idea Alf," Said Arthur, "and I can go as a goblin guarding you. Now Sid, what can you and Biggs go as?"

"I can sit on Biggs's head with a goblin mask and we can pretend to be a hobgoblin, they are usually commanders around here because they're big and they're bullies."

"I've go some goblin spray here, 'The Smell of Goblin', who wants some?" asked Arthur.

Lee and With stuck their arms in the air and Arthur sprayed his and their armpits. "Right, mask up," he ordered, "Let's go."

"What about me?" asked Fawh.

"Oh, yes, erm. I know you can be a diversion. Run around downstairs or something," suggested Arthur.

They ascended the second flight of stairs and went unchallenged until they saw the guards on the top floor guarding the door to a hallway.

"You ready?" Arthur asked, prodding Lee and With, "Go and change the guard."

So Lee and With marched up to the goblin guards. "Change of guards," grunted Lee.

"That's a bit early, isn't it?" asked one.

"Never mind," said the other, "we can get our grog earlier at the staff canteen."

As they were leaving the first goblin said, "That's nice body spray mate, is it 'Smell of Goblin?"

"Yes it is," answered With, "nice isn't it."

The other two goblins laughed as they went downstairs, "Nice!" they said.

"Good work lads," said Arthur, "you can be the lookout."

Lee opened the door into the hallway and the others walked in. There were many doors and at the bottom was a desk surrounded by guards.

Arthur looked at Sid and Biggs, "Okay 'hobgoblin', you try to order those other goblins away."

The 'hobgoblin' loped towards the table. "I'm glad you washed and changed," said Biggs, "I've never had a dwarf on my shoulders before."

They got to the table, "Right you loy."

"What's a loy?" said a goblin.

"Sorry, spelling mistake, right you lot follow me, there's a fracas down stairs with a horse. They need more men." Sid ordered and bullied.

"Well we need at least two guards here at all times, standing orders," said the goblin with a saucepan on his head.

"No need for standing, just follow me," about five goblins went with Sid and Biggs but Pan Head and another goblin would not budge.

Arthur walked ahead of the 'elven' princess marched up to the desk, "Got a spare room for this elven beauty?"

"Another pretty one eh?" said Pan Head, "How are you my preciousssss?"

"Alright Pan Head, knock it off, no need to go over the top, they're not tourists you know," rebuked the other goblin.

"These two are full," Pan Head pointed behind and in front of him, "but you can use this one." He walked over to one of the other adjacent doors and unlocked it.

"Just fit for a princesssss, ha ha ha," Pan Head hissed and ha ha'd.

"I'll just go in to see if the accommodation is fine," said Arthur.

"Don't be too long, you know we're supposed to treat princesses with respect," Pan Head grinned.

Arthur closed the door behind them. "Look, there's an adjoining door to the other suite." He skipped over to it, got a set of locksmith's picks out and began to pick the lock.

"I thought it was illegal to go prepared with picks unless you were a locksmith?" judged Alf.

"I am the king and what I say goes," said Arthur as they heard a click. He peeped through into the other room.

Clannnggg!

A bedpan hit him over the head and sent Arthur sprawling.

"I've told you ugly little goblins before, to stop peeping through into my room."

Alf pushed the door wider, "What have you done?"

"And who are you?" asked the human princess stepping into view armed with her bedpan.

"I am Alf the elf, come to rescue you and my own sweet love from the Dark Lord."

"Walking around with goblins, how can I believe you, you might be a spy. GUARDS!"

"No, please, quiet," urged Alf, but too late.

The two guards who were at the table unlocked the princesses door and entered.

"Trouble, Princess?" asked Pan Head.

"Yes, this goblin and this elf were spying on me, remove them."

They dragged Arthur out and then took Alf to another room and locked him in.

Two guards came up the stairs. One nodded to Lee and With, then they stood there, "Well, aren't you going for your break?"

"Er, yes. Come on Bog," Lee said to With, then they both started to walk downstairs.

With whispered to Lee, "We can't leave the others. What do we do?"

"We'll pretend we've left something behind, but what?"

"Um, a prisoner, a weapon, a Moore's Almanac or a Star Trek video (Next Generation), you know, that Kate Janeaway's voice really gets on my nerves. Or we could say that we have to give a note to the other guards."

"Well I think that they're all pretty rubbish ideas apart from the Star Trek video, let's go with that."

They both walked up to the guards, "I've left a Star Trek video down the passage that I need to take back to the video shop, can I collect it?" asked Lee.

"Go on then," said one of the guards.

So Lee opened the door and they both walked to the desk.

"You never guess what we just found, a fellow in a mask and an elven princess trying to rescue Princess Arianne," said Pan Head.

With and Lee looked at each other hoping the guards couldn't tell they had masks on.

The goblin continued, "I've locked the princess in this room and the human next to her."

"We're just looking for our Star Trek video, the Next Generation with Kate Janeaway," said Lee.

"Star Trek you say?" asked the other goblin. "Haven't seen one round here, but we'll have a look."

The two goblin guards started to look around, one looked under the table, "Hang on a minute Janeaway's in Voyager," said the other goblin, and just as he did Lee hit him on the head with a jug. This didn't knock the guard out but did make him angry. Pan Head grabbed Lee.

"Run With," urged Lee, "find the others."

So Lee ran to the other end of the passage and down three flights of stairs that led to the servant's quarters. At the bottom he bumped into a female goblin maid carrying a pot of tea for the princesses.

"I'm sorry," he profused as he tried to wipe her down.

"I haven't seen you before," said the maid, "you must come and see me sometime."

"Ah, sometime, yes, of course Goblin Tea Maid, bye." He turned and ran into a room filled with beds. Looking quickly around he dived under a lower bunk.

Pan Head ran down and past the maid, "Have you seen a goblin in a habit?" he asked.

"Yes," she replied, "he went into the dorm."

Pan Head ran through the dorm and out the door at the other end. With struggled out from under the bunk and dusted himself off, then he walked back out the door he came in. A quick look around and he decided to go through the door on the left which led down a passageway. He walked into the Great Hall where the Dark Lord was having his meal.

"Where are these entertainers? My son said that he enjoyed them earlier," boomed the Dark Lord.

"Sorry my Lord, but they seem to have vanished," answered Ugbash.

"So they're magicians as well are they?" He laughed.

With sneaked round the edge of the hall and followed a hobgoblin into another passage to some more rooms. The hobgoblin turned to see With, "What are you doing down here?"

"Iiiiiii heard that there was a fracas with a horse and I wondered where it was being kept."

"Don't you know, you're a guard aren't you, you should know where they're being kept?"

"I've only been here a short time."

"Well, you look like a short order monk in that habit. You'll get to know me if you're here for any length of time, Major Bash." He stepped to see the other end of the passageway clearly. "Go back down this passage, through the Great Hall and out through the opening on the left. You follow the passage to the end and then turn right, there's a door to your right and this leads to the courtyard at the end are the old stables. Say hello to Squidge Face for me that should scare him. Are you clear about the instructions?"

"Yes thanks." With turned and walked back down the passage to the Great Hall, he started to go right but saw Ugbash standing near the door leading to the entrance hall so he went left. When he got to the bottom he saw a guard standing at the door on the right so he turned left down another passageway, there was nowhere else to go but right so he went right and collided with a human coming through the door on the right.

"Ooh sorry, I was looking for the stables?" asked With apologetically.

"Through these doors and across the courtyard, you can't miss it," said the human.

After crossing the courtyard With came to the stables seeing the walled off part of the castle that was the monastery. A human blacksmith stood close to the door. "Major Bash sends his regards," said With.

The blacksmith nervously looked around, "That big bully's not here is he? Major Bully if you ask me."

With ducked into the stables. There were spaces for fifteen horses, the partitioned wall also being a part of the monastery must have held at least another thirty horses. He passed a black winged horse that was closest to the door and found Fawh at the end. "Fawh, it's me, With."

"Who are you with With?"

"I'm by myself."

"Have you rescued the princesses yet?"

"I'm sorry to tell you, but Arthur, Alf and Lee have been captured and I don't know where Sid and Biggs are." With looked worried.

"I tried to create a diversion but the guards captured me and put me in here. I don't mind though, I've got some nice hay and the Dark Lord's Pegasus for company. I'm fed and in a stable environment so I'll stay here until you get a better plan."

"If you see Biggs or Sid before me tell them I've gone back to the bedroom to pray on the bed."

"May the Lord be with you."

"And with you." With gave Fawh a sugar lump.

"Thanks, that's very nice but could you make it a Candarel lump next time, I'm trying to lose weight," said Fawh.

With turned and made his way back to the bedroom.

The mask was sticking to his face and his legs were trapped. He tried to move but felt sluggish. Sid took the mask off and looked down. Biggs was lying on his legs. The dwarf prodded his friend but to no avail, then he looked around. They had tripped into a laundry chute and fallen about six metres into a half empty laundry basket, "Ooh mae poore head. Eh Biggsy, please wake up."

A door opened and he heard footsteps, so covering himself with a sheet, he waited. He felt the basket begin to move and felt some doors being bumped open by the basket, then he was tipped onto the floor. Now freed from Biggs's weight, Sid stood up and rubbed his head and back, "I don't think this dwarf's made for falling." He bowed to look at Biggs and tapped him on the cheek but Biggs did not stir. "You couldn't be second in charge of anyone now, and by the way you stink of goblin you goblin stinker. I'll reconnoitre this area and leave you to kip a bit more."

Sid looked around, he was in the laundry where there were big boiling pots, sinks and airers full of sheets, clothes and cloths. He walked over to the door on the opposite side of the room and peeped out to see a small hall with another door in the opposite wall which was slightly ajar. Crossing to the door he looked out and saw the entrance hall. "Biggs and I must have fallen down a laundry chute while we were pretending to look for Fawh," he thought.

The little dwarf put the goblin mask on again and made his way through the hall.

Ugbash was sitting, talking to the receptionist. "My son is a court jester. He works in the wrong place. I'll go 'an speak to Osminiun his pay-master. So's it'll mean he hires a fat clown who can juggle instead of my son who is a thin jester who isn't funny and can't juggle."

Quietly passing the goblins, Sid ascended the stairs to the bedroom.

"Sid, are you all right?" asked With as he climbed off the bed.

"Apart from me poore head and back, I'm as fit as a dwarf."

"I've got some bad news for you, the others got captured but I got away."

"Biggs is sleeping his bruised head off in the laundry."

"What a mess, now we have to rescue even more people. I tell you what we should have done first."

"What?"

"Prayed."

"Of course, we forgot all about it."

Suddenly they heard a noise at the door, Sid drew his mask back over his head. A goblin entered leading Biggs by the hand, "You weren't downstairs for the Dark Lord's supper," he said, "he wanted entertaining you know. Any way I think this is one of yours, I'll leave him with you, he seems a bit disorientated." The goblin spat as he left.

A concerned With went up and put his hand on Biggs's shoulder, "Biggs how are you?"

"What, who are you?" He asked.

"Do you know who we are?" asked With.

"No," came the curt reply.

"He's lost his memory," said With and Sid together.

"Sit down," With told Biggs, "Sid, get him a cup of sweet tea."

Sid complied.

With sat Biggs down and asked him, "Can you remember anything?"

"My auntie Sylvia, she used to rock me in my cradle," Biggs began to suck his thumb.

"That's very good Biggs, any later memories?"

"Erm, the goblin that just bought me here said I was in the laundry. Anyway, are you an accredited psychologist or a mental doctor?"

"No, but I'm a minister of religion and medicine is one of my specialities, so stop getting uppity."

Biggs lay on the bed and With took a notebook from his habit.

"Now I'm going to suggest some words to you and I want you to tell me which words you associate with them. Let us begin:- Red."

"Herring."

"Blue."

"Monday."

"Green."

"Chives and cheese."

"I think we'll try a different tack:- Mother."

"Teresa."

"Sister."

"Sister."

"Dog."

"Hot."

"Mouse."

"Mickey."

"Well..."

"Wishing."

"No, well..."

"No water."

"No, Biggs..."

"No littles."

"Biggs, stop!"

"Little go."

"You don't know what I mean!"

"That's not fair, that's more than a single word. I'm not playing any more."

"We weren't playing, and I'm pleased to tell you that your memory loss is not permanent and only short term."

"Thanks Doc."

Sid came in with a tray, "I had to knock the kitchen staff up for these teas. Is he alright With?"

"With sugar," said Biggs.

"I can see he's still suffering. Here Biggs, have some tea."

"Thanks Sid."

"He remembered you Sid, his memory must be coming back," said With.

"No it's not, I just remembered what you said when you sent him for the tea." Biggs handed the tea back to Sid, "Two sugars I said."

"Oh," ohd Sid and Biggs.

"I think we should get a good kip, then pray and trust that our efforts will be rewarded."

"Bags the bed," baggsed Sid.

"Biggs needs the bed you've baggsed as well so it looks as though I'm on the settee," said a resigned With.

Biggs and Sid snuggled down in the bed and With got some blankets and a pillow and bedded down as best he could.

CHAPTER SEVEN

A small bird had perched itself on the windowsill and With was feeding it with breadcrumbs and enjoying the view of Undercastleton, Gilkhag near Elkhag and the surrounding hills.

Sid stirred and stopped cuddling Biggs, looking a bit put out. He rubbed his eyes, "You're up early With."

"To be with the Lord Sid, and I think he's reminded me of a good bible story that may help us."

"Let me guess, let me guess. Daniel in the lion's den?"

"No."

"Samson pushing the pillars down?"

Nnno."

"Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the burning furnace?"

"No, not even close."

"Solomon burnishing the shields and defeating the Egyptians by blinding them?"

"No, that's not in the bible anyway, that's just in the film 'Solomon and Sheba'. Artistic licence," he added.

Sid relented, "Okay then, I give up, which one is it?"

"David in the Philistine city acting as a madman."

"So how does that correlate with us and our situation?" asked Sid.

"Well, goblins revere madmen, the same as the Philistines, so if one or more of us acts mad then they won't touch us," explained With.

"Biggs butted in, "I'm not mad, I've just lost my long term memory for a short term."

"Is there anything special we need to do to look mad?" inquired Sid.

"You'll look good dribbling down your beard like Richard Gere, and we can all look cross eyed, stagger and babble," suggested With. Then, "Come on let's practice.

"Hang on a minute, is that stagger, stagger, dribble, babble eyes crossed?" asked Biggs.

"No, it's stagger, stagger, babble, dribble, dribble, eyes crossed, babble," showed With.

Sid piped up, "Do you think this will work?"

"We'll pray and hope it does," said With, "let's pray."

Alf woke in a plush feather bed and as he yawned he knocked a small brass bell from the bedside table.

A few moments later the door unlocked and a goblin entered, "You rang princess?"

"Er, yes," said Alf in a high pitched voice, "have you CNN news here, I want to see if my disappearance has been noticed yet."

"No I'm sorry princess, there's no cable that leads to this room. I can ask the princess Trelainne if you can look at the news if she's not busy."

Alf perked up, "Yes, please, that would be ... delightful!"

The goblin exited, and after a little while he came back in, "She said that would be pleasant. By the way, what's your name?"

"Mm, Alphonsia, but you can call me Alf for short."

The guard led Alf out and into the bedroom suite two along where the elf had slept. The goblin showed him into the reception area, "See you later," he chirped as he closed the door and locked it.

"Trelainne, my love, where are you?"

"Alphonse?" She ran from the sitting room into his arms, "My love, I thought you were dead."

They hugged and kissed each other.

"Why did you think I was dead?" he asked.

"They said they had put you in the dungeon to be tortured and put to death."

"I was rescued by a monk, a dwarf and a horse."

"That's a strange group to be in a dungeon."

"We all tried to rescue you and the princess Arianne, but, uh our plan failed. She hit King Arthur over the head with a bed pan."

"She can be a little petulant. How do you plan to escape now?"

"I don't know, have you any ideas?"

"I think I'll get changed into my go get'em gear."

"I'll take this dress off, pink doesn't suit me any way," said Alf as he disrobed.

"Why do you think the author has introduced me as part of the party, is it because I'm good with the elven bow?" asked Trelainne.

"No, I think he needed a token woman for the story, you know, someone that would fill the gap, introduce a woman's perspective."

"It's a good job I'm not a feminist then isn't it. Get me my belt off the bed."

"Yes dear."

She came out of the bathroom with her suede boots, leather jerkin, hood and bowman's gloves. "Thanks," she said as she strapped the belt around her waist. "You know, I could have escaped myself a long while ago, but I was enjoying the service, the goblins are good servants and Arianne's not bad company. Never mind Alf, did you think you were doing your duty?"

"That's not fair Trelainne, you know I've got to rescue you so's we can get married."

"Oh yeah, I forgot about the standard, 'rescue my daughter for her hand in marriage' clause of my father's rescue contract. Well I suppose I'll have to get rescued then," she threw herself in to Alf's arms, "catch!"

He lifted her up and kissed her again, "I can't wait till we're married."

"So how are you going to rescue me then?"

"I think we should exit by the window," Alf looked at the window, "Mmm bars, we'll need a hack saw."

"I've got a wire saw in my hoody hood," she took her hood off and gave it to Alf.

"We need some noise to cover the sawing, switch the television on, the satellite channel and see if MTV's playing any rock music, it should be the right time."

Trelainne switched the T.V. on and switched it to MTV. In a few moments Alf had sawn through one of the bars and with Trelainne's help had bent it out of position. He looked out, "We'll need a rope. What about the sheets?"

"We could use them, but I don't to waste time knotting them, just compliment the author."

"How do you know about that?"

"It was on CNN," she quipped.

"They're all over the place," thought Alf out loud. "Dear Author, you who are graceful, please give us rope, you wonderful man."

Nothing happened.

"I wonder what's the matter Alf?" quizzicled Trelainne.

"He might be asleep."

Realising they were talking about me, I answered them, "Sorry you two, I've just been watching your antics for so long, and you've been getting along without me so well that I forgot that you sometimes need my help. Here's your rope."

A twenty-metre length of rope fell from the ceiling, "Thanks Author, and keep awake next time," chided Trelainne.

Alf tied the rope to one of the bars, "You first my dear."

Trelainne clambered through the window, "Pass me my bow and quiver," she asked.

Alf passed out her bow and quivered then got her arrows and climbed out himself.

Stagger, stagger, dribble, babble, eyes crossed.

The two guards on the door parted and gave the 'madmen' room to pass.

"How did a mad monk get into the hotel? Is it Rasputin?" asked one.

"How did a mad dwarf get in the hotel?" asked the other.

"Search me!" said the first one, and so his compatriot began to search him.

Sid, With and Biggs staggered through the door into the hallway, then began to stagger and babble down to the desk.

Pan Head spotted them, "You can't come down here, it's a restricted area to tourists."

With babbled, "Babble, babble, we're mad heh,heh,heh."

Pan Head's eyes grew wider, "They're mad, ahhh," and then he ran from them. The other five goblins also ran down towards the servant's stairs.

Sid whispered to With, "So good so far, now where's the princess?"

"I think she's in this room near the desk, babble, babble," babbled With.

Sid staggered over to the door, "It's locked, what do we do?"

"Got any picks Biggs?" asked With.

But Biggs had continued to babble and stagger down the passage to the goblins. They all turned and ran downstairs. Pan Head even dropped his keys.

"That's a bit of luck," said Sid.

"I believe it was divine providence," said With as he quickly babbled and staggered to catch Biggs up, he then picked the keys up and grabbed Biggs by the arm. "Babble, Biggs, come on, babble."

"Eh," ehd Biggs as he turned and followed With.

"I'll do the honours," said Sid as he took the keys from With. He unlocked the door and pushed it open slightly. "Princess Arianne, if you're in there, we're a rescue party come to rescue you."

The princess came to the door armed with her bed pan, "A rescue party. Well it's about time too." She looked at each of them, "A dwarf, a monk and a mad knight, isn't there a handsome prince around?"

"Oh no, I forgot, it's Arthur who wants to rescue the princess so that he can marry her," said a worried With.

"Ahh," ahh'd Sid, "he must be in one of these other rooms. Let's look. Biggs, you stand just there and babble with your eyes crossed in case the guards come back." Sid unlocked another door and looked in. He saw a television on and a sawn through bar, "If he was here he's escaped."

Arianne called from the door, "No, no silly that was the elven princess's room. Arthur's is probably that door at the bottom."

Sid pushed Biggs closer to the stairs and the goblins wittered again and went down a few more steps, "I think you're good at this Biggs," said Sid, "you could do it part time to supplement your wages." He fiddled with the keys and tried a few in the lock. Looking in he noticed a slumped figure, "There's a slumped figure here." He pushed the door wider and he entered with With. "It's Arthur alright, and they've demasked him, help me with him With."

The princess turned her nose up, "Oh, I say, he stinks of goblin."

"It's 'Smell of Goblin'," said With, "part of his disguise to rescue you."

"I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be rescued by someone who wears 'Smell of Goblin' for deodorant, what will they think of me at court."

"Alright, alright, keep your hair on princess, we'll wash him," said Sid.

"Hang on a minute," said With, "shouldn't he be awake by now? Let's check him." So saying, With checked his pulse, his temperature and looked into his eyes, "He's so heavily concussed that he's in a mild coma."

"So how is he going to rescue me if he's unconscious?" She looked at Sid, "I don't want to be rescued by or to marry a dwarf and monks can't marry, that only leaves our babbling friend here."

"Oh, he's lost his long term memory for a short while," said Sid.

Suddenly a portal opened from another world and four heavily armoured police-type figures entered.

"Move over to the wall buddy, Fantasy Police. Give us some I.D." said the leading police figure.

"Fantasy Police!" murmured Sid as he handed his funny character union card to the sergeant. "Who are you?"

"We patrol the fantasy realm to see that no liberties are being taken and that things aren't too surreal." He looked at Sid's card, "Sid the dwarf, on probation as a funny character. Okay."

"But isn't it rather surreal you turning up here like this to question us?" said Sid the dwarf.

"It is, but as fantasy police we have that prerogative. Anyway, this is only a spot check to warn you. We've been watching you and think you've had a little too much help from the author. Even in a fantasy universe there are some rules, you know. Any further infringement of this rule and we will invade your space again and take you captive to Xanadu. Comprende?"

"Yes," answered With, "we understand."

"Adios," said the leader who pushed a button on his wristlet to call the portal back. He spoke into his helmet microphone, "We're off to the science fiction universe now, Captain." They all four entered the portal again and vanished. Just before the portal was closed a wristlet was thrown through and landed on the floor.

Sid bobbed down and picked it up, "Someone else is trying to help us."

Alf landed on the floor next to the castle wall just missing a gorse bush.

Trelainne was kneeling on one knee with arrow knocked to bow.

"Are you ready?" she asked, "Let's go."

They both started to run like the wind towards a small copse. "Hang on a minute," said Alf, "what about trying to help the others?"

"Others? You mean the ones that just left you in jail to rot for the night? They've probably already left. Ring them later."

"I'm sorry Trelainne, but these guys helped me in my quest and it's only right that I should make sure that they have left."

"Are you going to dominate me like that when we're married?"

"Only if you want me to."

"So how do you propose that we get back in?" she asked.

"Let's climb in through one of the open windows." With that, Alf started to climb the rope.

They had finished washing Arthur and had changed his clothes, but he was still unconscious.

"How's he going to rescue me if he's unconscious?" asked Arianne.

"He doesn't stink of goblin now so can't you be grateful?" chelped Sid.

"She has got a point there Sid," said With.

A large explosion blew two doors off of one of the rooms down the hall. With, Sid and the princess rushed down the hall to See Biggs on the floor and covered in plaster dust. "I've got my long term memory back," he said while dusting himself off.

A red faced Lee walked out, "I think I used a little too much gunpowder. Did you forget about me?"

They all looked a bit ashamed.

"Who's this mandarin?" asked Arianne.

"This is Lee, children's entertainer, he was with me to begin with but also got captured," explained With.

"He looks like the marrying kind," said Arianne, straightening her dress. "What us princesses have to do to get married. If I hadn't got myself captured on purpose I'm sure my father would of had me stay a spinster till he died."

"I'm sorry princess but I'm already wed," commiserated Lee.

"I can give Arthur some specially prepared herbs that should wake him up," said With.

"Go on then brother," said Arianne.

With that With took out a paper packet and emptied its contents down Arthur's throat. "Oh no!" he said, "This is only half a portion, some has fallen out through this hole."

"Will it still work?" asked Lee.

"I don't know, can you hand me that glass of water please."

Lee got the water. With tipped Arthur's head forward a bit and poured the water into his mouth while holding his nose. Arthur choked the mixture down.

After a few moments Arthur began to stir.

"It's worked, he's conscious," said an elated Sid.

"Uh oh," uh oh'd With "it's only half worked, he's only half conscious."

Biggs looked at With, "What does half conscious mean?"

"I don't know for sure but I think he will only be able to do half the things he normally does," replied With.

Arianne asked, "How do you mean half the things he normally does?"

"It will be as though he is sleepwalking. Let's stand him up and see," answered With.

So Lee and With stood Arthur up. He just stood there.

"That's not bad," said Sid, "but it could be better."

With looked at Arthur's eyes, "Let's see what else he can do." He pulled Arthur's sword from its scabbard and looked at it, "Mmmm, genuine Excalibur copy, made from meteor metal, mmm nice." With put the sword into Arthur's hand and then raised the king's arm into the air, then lowered it, then raised it again. Arthur continued to raise and lower his arm.

"Now all we have to do is point him at some goblins," laughed Lee.

"How is he going to rescue me?" asked Arianne.

"We'll get him to lead the party, just point him and give him a shove," said Biggs.

"Right!" Said Sid. Then he asked the princess, "Don't you like King Arthur Arianne?"

"King Arthur. You mean Camelot, Guinevere, Excalibur and all that lot?" she asked.

"Yes, of course," said Biggs.

"Oh yes, he's good enough to marry," exclaimed Arianne, "if he ever gets back to his normal self, but do you think that my father will accept that he rescued me?"

"I think so," said Lee, "we'll say he led the party in your rescue and escape. That's not lying."

They heard a noise of fighting on the stairs so they rushed out.

Pan Head and the other goblins were fighting on the stairs. With took out a mini crossbow and mounted a tranquiliser dart in it. He fired the dart at the uppermost goblin who looked round and started up the stairs only to fall down in a sleep. Another two darts dispatched another two goblins.

Ugbash and the other two looked round and saw that they were outnumbered, "Surrender, surrender!" he cried.

Alf and Trelainne smiled brightly from the bottom of the stairs, "Hello you lot, we wondered if you'd escaped yet?"

The others all laughed and Biggs got some telephone cord, "Let's tie these up. Got any tape for their mouths Lee?"

Lee got some tape out then they tied all six goblins up and dragged them into another room and locked the door.

"Now to escape," said Biggs, "I give the orders now, I'm second in charge," he ordered as he marched downstairs.

"Hang on a minute, hang on," called Sid, "what about Fawr?"

"Fawr, who's Fawr? It's supposed to be Fawh for Fully Armoured War Horse, not Fully Armoured War Rorse," rebuked Sid, "get your spelling right Author."

"Oh yes, Fawh," said Biggs, "hang on, we've rescued the princess, now we're supposed to defeat the Dark Lord."

"What do you mean, kill him?" asked With.

"I don't know, as long as we defeat him I don't suppose it matters," answered Biggs.

"What do you think is meant by defeat, defeating his guards, fighting him till he gives up, what?" asked Alf.

"Ask the author," said Sid the dwarf. Then, "I'll ask the author. Author, how do we defeat the Dark Lord?"

The author did not answer.

"Oh I forgot, we just had a visit from the fantasy police and they said they were keeping tabs on the author helping us," a look of realisation crossing Sid's face.

"Another idea," suggested Alf, "why don't we ask one of the goblins how we can defeat him."

"The pansy elf comes up with the idea again," whined Sid.

"I'm not a pansy," said Trelainne.

"Oh, sorry," said Sid in a kind of backing down voice.

Biggs went to get Pan Head and after he unstuck his mouth then proceeded to ask him, "Now goblin, how do we defeat the Dark Lord?"

"Chop his feet off," squirmed Pan Head.

"No, not how to de-feet him, but how to, er, best him in battle," said Alf.

"Well you can't at the moment, not today, he's taken a short break in the city. He's going to play in a chess tournament," replied Pan Head.

"I know," chirped Arianne, "we could defeat him at chess."

"That's a good idea Arianne, darling," smarmed Trelainne.

"How far's the city from here any way?" asked Biggs.

"Oh," said Arianne, "about ten minutes by tube."

"Tube," exclaimed Biggs, "I thought this was supposed to be a fantasy story?"

"It is, but even we have to get around somehow and this is a surreal universe, the real blending with the unreal," explained Arianne.

"I can see Mater and Pater while I am in the city," said an excited Arianne," and show them Arthur, if he is a little better of course."

"I'll get Fawh," volunteered With, "I know where he is."

"And we've got a good way out," said Alf, "a rope from the window of a room downstairs."

"We can't get the horse out that way," said Lee.

"Never mind, I'll come out through the Main Hall, I'll say I'm exercising him," beamed With.

So With went down the stairs to the servant's quarters and the others headed for the escape route.

When With entered the stables he noticed that the black Pegasus was not there, "Fawh, are you ready, we've got the princesses."

"Oh good, well let me out then."

With walked Fawh across the courtyard through the passages and into the great hall, which had been tidied up.

Ugbash entered, "What are you doing?"

"I'm taking this horse for a walk, it hasn't been exercised for days, have you got a problem with that?" asked With, hand on hip.

"Don't get a monk on then," replied the cowed goblin.

With opened the back door and went through followed by Fawh, "Very slick with," said the horse, "where are the others?"

They walked toward the copse and the others came to greet them. With introduced the princesses, "This is Trelainne the elven princess and this is Arianne. This is Fawh the fully armoured war horse."

"Come on then," bawled Biggs, "let's go to the station in Undercastleton."
Interview with the Author

The Author sits down at his PC and begins to type.

"Hello Author," says Arthur, king of the Britons.

"Hello," says the Author.

"I would like to welcome you to this interview hosted by me..."

"And me," interjected Sid the dwarf.

"You do a lot of interjecting Sid," said Arthur, "can you not do a bit of interrupting instead?"

"If you want me to," interrupted Sid.

"You didn't really interrupt there Sid," said I.

"Really?"

"No, it was after Arthur had finished talking. It could have been a thought Sid or a said Sid."

"I don't like said Sid, it makes me sound as though I'm saying my name twice."

"Anyway," continued Arthur, "I wanted to ask you about how you started to interact with us those many years ago."

"You mean 1996?"

"Is it that long ago?" mused Sid, "No wonder me bones are startin' te ache."

"I had joined a writer's circle and wrote a short piece of comedy to read there. They laughed so much I decided to carry on writing it."

"But I existed long before then," Arthur said in a distinctly slow and melodious way.

"So did I," said Sid, "at least 300 years before."

"But did you Sid?" inquired I.

"What do you mean?" wondered Sid.

"As far as I can remember you were a spelling mistake."

"B...b..." bubbed Sid.

"That is right Sid," agreed Arthur, "you were a spelling mistake."

"Well you are..."

"Uh hum," I interrupted, "don't give anything away Sid. I still have 2 books to write after The Detective One."

"Aww, yere allys spoilin' ma fun."

"Mmm," carried on Arthur, "so why did you leave us in space for 15 years?"

"I couldn't get a publisher. It was only with the advent of the Kindle and self publishing on a cheap scale that you could again be brought to life."

"We were already alive."

"Ok then, brought to the attention of the public."

"You wrote two books last year and, so far this year, you have written 5. Why is that?"

"The discipline of writing 500 to 1,000 words a day for Flash Fiction has kept me being productive."

"So can we expect to see The Detective One out before Christmas?"

"Maybe, it depends how funny you are."

"Me? I am extremely funny."

"He thinks he is," laughed Sid.

"Well Author I am terminating the interview for now," said Arthur, "because I do not like the way it is going."

Go to my website <http://stephensstories.co.uk/> to find out where you can buy The Crying Pennant (The first in the Arth Series), the Sitting Duck (2nd) Up and Away (3rd) Ground Hog War (4th).

by Stephen Jennison-Smith.

New flash fiction and short stories at

<http://www.wattpad.com/user/StephenJennison-Smith> (Where you can find the 5th in the Arth Series, The Detective One, as I am writing it!)

You can also follow me on Twitter where you will get links showing when new Flash Fiction is published @SJennison_Smith

Visit my blog

<http://stephenjennisonsmith.blogspot.com/>

Email stephen.jennison_smith@yahoo.co.uk

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