

### Memoirs of Aum.

### The Romance of the Gods.

### The Beginning.

### By

### Oday La Kingsavanh

### Book 1

Published by Oday Kingsavanh at Smashwords

Copyright 2019 Oday Kingsavanh

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this ebook. This book remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be redistributed to others for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy from their favorite authorized retailer. Thank you for your support.

### Table of Contents

Introduction

### Part I: The Beginning

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

### Part 2: Aum

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Chapter 41

Chapter 42

Chapter 43

Chapter 44

Chapter 45

Chapter 46

Chapter 47

Chapter 48

Chapter 49

Chapter 50

Chapter 51

Chapter 52

Chapter 53

Connect with Oday La Kingsavanh

### Introduction

My journey of self-realization starts at a very early age, approximately four years old or younger when I questioned the meaning of life during my childhood years in Laos. My desire to know myself, who I was and what more lay beyond changes continued in my late teens and again in my early thirties, following my reading of a thought provoking book. While I observed my arms, hair, face, and eyes standing in front of a bathroom mirror, I questioned, "Who Am I?"

While living normal day to day life in my mid-thirties, I gradually became lifeless, as I needed more than what was given by parents, culture, society, temples, churches, and so on. The deep desire to know myself beyond physical form compelled my heart and soul to begin an unfathomable search for answers to my lifelong questions, leading me to delve deep into meditations where I uncovered truths beyond the walls of knowledge of learned and taught.

My first book, All and Nothing. A Memoir of Attaining Enlightenment recounts my process of facing myself by using mindfulness meditation to understand and become aware of my conditions: emotions, thoughts, desires, and perceptions. It describes my transformative experience of reaching enlightenment.

Following my awakening, little did I realize that I needed to continue being aware, mindful, and understand myself in all aspects, to find balance of fullness and emptiness.

My second book, _The Road to Nirvana: Memoirs of Transcendence_ continues the path after my enlightenment and leads readers through the process of my self-renewal and transformation, self-examination, and the extinguishing of my thoughts, desires, beliefs, and perceptions to the very end. The memoir reveals my personal experiences of reaching Nirvana, a transcendent state independent of conditions and attachments.

Then, about eight months after walking in the shiny, shimmering, golden land of Nirvana, I became completely lost and confused, and deeply didn't know what was going on; to where I was at a breaking point with myself. Not only I did I not know much, but I completely and truly knew nothing worse than a being child, as I if wasn't even born, as if I was deeply and truly out of my mind. My memory was brief, as though I remembered nothing to begin with. All I was, was what was, and nothing more than air: empty. I was neither living nor dying, as if I wasn't mind, body, or even soul.

In my meditations, I was on the 'other side' entirely, the beginning, before I took physical form to remember myself beyond the world in front of my eyes, to discover truths of this very existence and how it all began from the pure and untouched knowledge of an inner wisdom of Self. I was back in times of Krishna, Vishnu, Shiva, Brahma, Buddha, Jesus, Rama, Quan Yin, and more.

This memoir conveys my very immense, inner-most challenging transformation of life and death toward being my absolute Self: the purely, ultimate, and perfect state of consciousness. The eternal silence, Oneness, and Supreme being, where Krishna (The Supreme and All Powerful God of his own - the eighth avatar of Vishnu's - the God of Maintainer and Sustainer of the Universe) Soul became one and the same as mine.

Enjoy the ups and downs of journey of Self-remembrance, unlearning, facing and accepting of Self - the 'Isness' here and now. This memoir is divided into two separate books.

Book 1 covers Part I, The Beginning; and Part II - Aum. It begins as I enter the unknown with the help of Shiva, the Hindu God of Destroyer. It examines my daily life as mindless, death and rebirth, the destruction of three worlds, before leading the ashes and ruins to the black hole. It also includes energy healing, Aum, and my romance with Krishna, who was my guide throughout my journey.

Part II, looks at the grand design, creation, and Universal form, and how I come to remember myself as Vishnu, Brahma (The Creator), and Shiva. It follows my romances and marriages with the Gods, the Buddha heart, the 'unborn', jealousy, and lovers united.

Book 2 captures my unions and marriages with Krishna, the death of "I", the 'unborn born', Supersoul, the Enlightened One, Krishna's consciousness, the Truly Awakened One, the Gold Soul, the Fully Enlightened One, the Purest One, and the All Consciousness.

In it, I let go and sacrifice myself limitlessly and thoughtlessly for Self until my love has no beginning or ending, to share all the transformations I underwent with utmost, absolute, and bottomless love without bounds. There's nothing in me, only love itself.

From the ashes of my ruins, I rise to limitless, soaring in infinite skies like the golden phoenix, untouched.

Namaste!

### Part I: The Beginning

### The Destroyer

### Mindless

### Death and Rebirth

### The Lovers

### Energy Healing

### Aum

### Chapter 1

For a couple months after reaching Nirvana, I was blank; mindless, without much emotion or desire. Every time I closed my eyes for meditation, I'd be in black and white room, sometimes lying down, looking around, or sitting. Other times, I'd see myself browsing through blank pages of an old book that had some writings on it; however, the writings suddenly disappeared and became nearly blank, as well as transparent.

In another meditation scene, I was cleaning a fish tank that looked as though it hadn't been cleaned for a while. After I scrubbed out dirt and dead algae, I saw a rock about a size of a fist, which had blue light blinking. Wondering if there was something underneath it, I picked up the gray stone to see the bottom of it; there was nothing there. Then I took it to a desert, though the rock still flashed with blue light. Later, I went to a forest and smashed it on the ground. The stone broke into pieces. Suddenly everything around, including myself, became this light.

When I shared this meditation with Sean, he said, "You're one and the same with everything. There's no difference."

"I know," I responded.

Increasingly, I noticed there wasn't anything within me. It seemed as though there was no rhyme or reason to who I was or why I did things. I just did them without much thought. If I wanted to go for a walk, I just went, not thinking. It didn't seem to matter whether I knew or didn't know: I was just was.

The following meditation was different. This time I found myself sitting against a tree in front of a forest. I wasn't in a body, but was a cluster of energy, as well as the forest. Every time I closed my eyes, I would see myself this way. In another meditation though, I was more energy looking at myself, then I rearranged my body by taking my head away, pulling my arms and the rest of my form apart before placing them back like putting together pieces of a puzzle.

In daily life, I enjoyed the moment. Whatever it was, I just flowed with it. Sometimes I stumbled upon an old attachment I hadn't fully let go. I'd be with it mindfully and was aware of the condition. One day I found myself listening to the same sad song over and over, which helped me understand I was grieving over an 'old self'.

In the next meditation, I walked towards the tree by the same forest at night, and saw Shiva (The God of Destruction or Destroyer) sitting in front of it instead of facing the forest. A big king cobra sitting next to him lifted itself, about to strike when I came; though immediately I grabbed the snake by the neck and squeezed it. A knife appeared in my hand. I sliced its throat and drained its blood into a cup that instantly appeared. Once all of its blood was let out, Shiva turned around.

"Drink it! It's your power!" he said.

Halfway through drinking it, I thought: Oh my gosh. I can't believe I am drinking this. Nonetheless, I finished it. There was no attachment to these thoughts, so they couldn't do much. Afterwards, I opened my mouth and yellow, green jade energy swirled out, filling the night air. I was in awe.

Next, I headed into the forest. Golden energy emerged; so I followed it, but it didn't lead anywhere and I wasn't sure what happened next.

In the following meditation, I stood in front of Shiva's trishuls at a farm (or somewhere similar to a farm). There were about a hundred of them; though smaller in sizes. To observe it closely, I pulled one out. It was rusty and old, so I polished it with a cloth, but it wasn't shiny enough. Then I used a metal to refine the trident. Once it was newer, looking gold platinum, the meditation scene changed to where I stood on top of a metropolis, holding the weapon of destruction in my hand. Shiva came.

"Destroy it!" he said.

I lifted the shimmering trident, and pounded it on clear energy above the city. It collapsed, piece by piece. The buildings, condos, and bridges fell one by one. I glanced around (as I was everywhere in the metropolis, destroying it), Shiva was helping. When he finished, he came to stand by me as we watched the whole city crumbling down to nothing. While I was out of meditation, unsure why I was still destroying since I had done enough of it already.

One morning, I heard Santi's voice from his room, which woke me up; but I didn't go check because Sean slept with him. I thought it was time to get up, though it was only 5 o'clock in the morning. While trying to fall back asleep, and couldn't, I meditated.

Immediately, I saw myself in a kitchen; but I wasn't able to see anything else besides a narrow hallway to the living room. There was nothing except the kitchen and part of a sofa in the modern high-rise living room. To really see what I was doing, I zoomed in.

It looked as though I was washing dishes idly, mindlessly, and thoughtlessly. It was if I was just going through the motion of washing and putting plates away. They were clean and shiny with no stains, nonetheless I cleaned them. Then I smeared one of the dishes with stains, rinsed it under water, and put it in the dishwasher. Shiva came, sitting in the wall in front of me as though there was no wall, observing.

"How long have you been doing this?" he asked.

"Centuries and centuries," I answered.

"It's time to leave this! Come with me!" he said. I flew behind him.

"The work is done! You're God, now!" he shouted as we soared up in the air. Shortly I witnessed the city he and I'd destroyed. It was now renewed; similar to what it was before, yet much more enhanced. It had been transformed into platinum gold, shiny and shimmering. The refinement was astonishing.

"I'm taking you further into the forest. There's no need to be afraid. Nothing is there except energy," he informed.

Once he said it, I understood I was going deeper into the unknown, and began to feel a bit nervous; however, the feeling was gone just as quickly. It was though I wasn't experiencing any emotion at all. It was similar to wind brushing on my skin. Soon two white horses appeared, waiting on the ground. We both hopped on each and rode. I trailed behind him.

Not much later, we came into a forest. The atmosphere started to change. Everything became pale, gray, and white cluster energy instead of actual physical forms. I reached my hand to touch a tree of energy; it collapsed into nothing. I shot into the sky to touch a tall tree, and it dissipated into thin air. As we kept going, I continued touching things alongside the road, and observed them disappearing into naught. Shiva stopped his horse, looking at me for a few seconds.

"You're fearless!" he said.

He soared into the air, shouting before he vanished.

"God doesn't fear God! God is God!"

Immediately, the love overcame me, moved by his comment, because now I wasn't as afraid of who I was.

"Thank you, my love," I said with a bow.

Some of his ornaments fell on the ground: a drum, crescent moon, and others I can't completely recall. I made a gray cloth bag appear, to put them in as I walked, carrying it on my shoulder while king cobra (King) sat on my shoulder.

I came upon a bush on the side of the road, I touched it; it turned into dead leaves then into a structure similar to a pyre for burning corpses, so I burned it. It was a sign of letting go. I proceeded to stroll little more before flying into the sky, and touched everything. It all vanished into air.

"I'm free. I am free!" I shouted.

Then, I stood on the ground observing the empty air. Maybe I can put something here. So, I put two lush trees far from each other before making a hammock tied to these trees to lie in and relax. Then I made a steel light pole appear. In the forest?

"Anything you wish. Anything! You're the Creator and Director, now! You're not bound by anything! You can do whatever you want!" the God of Destroyer shouted, when he came.

The sun shone. I covered my eyes with one hand.

"I won't shine my rays on you, my love," said the Sun.

"Thank you," I said, then opened my eyes, coming out of meditation.

For a whole week, I listened to the same songs on the radio and CDs. The songs I mostly listened to were mourning songs, which brought an understanding I was letting go even more, slowing myself down and stepping into the unknown. It seemed now I was very empty; to where I was just breathing. And it seemed I was not mind, body, or even a soul. At times, I was anxious about what was transpiring; however, the emotion of this anxiousness wasn't like the pure anxiety I had experienced in the past. It quickly dissipated into nothing as if I had no experience of it. Then I was just air; empty and blank.

At the same time, my second memoir was nearly done. The final run-through was almost complete. Sometimes I would get angry at Sean when he did or said something I didn't like, but it was done right then and there; nothing followed or lingered. It was a split second frustration before I was air again, with nowhere to go or be; nothing before or behind.

In the following meditation, I found myself inside the universe. A golden wormhole emerged; I dove into it. Dark brown wood chips floated inside it. As I kept traveling through, I said: "Is this a black hole?"

I continued on, it was still the same. Maybe nothing is here. Maybe I can just come out, I thought, although immediately realized I was too far in and couldn't return, so I kept going until suddenly the air got thinner, to where I could hardly breathe.

I might not make it out alive. I can't breathe. I'm too far in.

I rubbed my throat, gasping for air to stay alive, though abruptly I said, "I don't need to breathe!"

Swiftly, I came out of my form and became golden energy, and journeyed on through the continuous wormhole.

Isn't Shiva in charge of this?

Finally, I came to a place that was occupied with black, shiny machinery. Machine world?

Shiva showed up behind me while I toured around, observing. Then we came into another area, with rusty pipelines everywhere, like they had been underwater for some time, covered with dirt.

Do they need polishing? But I'm done with cleaning already.

I put my hand on the pipes to polish them, they became clean and sparkly. Wanting to see how much cleaning and polishing I had to do, it seemed endless when I scanned around, as it would take a lot of time. To help out with the job, I made thousands of myself appear. As we tried to shine these pipes, they kept turning back to how they had been, filled with dirt.

How do I clean this?

Abruptly the meditative scene changed, and now I stood in front of a fish tank, looking at a dirty filter. Clean water emerged from underneath the tank.

Just like changing the filter in a fish tank.

Then I found myself in front of a beach which I had been to, bending my back as I coughed and rubbed my throat, gagging out dead fish, fish bones, and fish tails, though some of the bones stuck in my throat.

"Ouch! Ouch!" I yelled pulling them out; they scraped my esophagus.

It was like coughing out poison. Shiva showed up. He rubbed my back while I choked; a few more fish bones were inside my throat and lungs, unsure how to get them all out. He then dissolved the bones with golden light, and immediately they were all gone. My throat felt swollen, I massaged it. He left. I opened my eyes.

When the second memoir was completed and the final run-through was done, my energy churned as I became a bit nervous, as well as uncomfortable, with changes happening. One morning I got angry at the fan because it wasn't working right, and threw it on the ground. This scared Santi; he cried. I apologized and cuddled him as he watched his TV shows, lying on the bed.

Increasingly, I was no different than a vibration: frequency and movement, without rhyme or reason. I talked without a reason, and walked with no goal: just movement that had no beginning or end, and nothing more. There was neither death nor life in me. The changes were monumental, where I didn't know how to accept them.

A couple of days later, I looked up the meaning of fish bones and dead fish, though none of the interpretations fit. In addition, I read up on the meaning of Shiva's drum and moon to understand what was transpiring within me. After that I understood more, according to the internet, the drum symbolized sound, creation, and moon as being beyond time or timeless. Then I researched 'throat chakra', not knowing much about energies or chakras. The throat chakra was associated with communication.

While many changes took place inside, it also seemed I was going in circles as though I had nothing to do and nothing to be, and there was nothing to me, as though I was completeness and stillness, but without the intenseness of energy, like I'd had before. Whether I did or didn't do, I was complete. With anything I said or didn't say; I was absolute, as if I was just energy.One night, I discussed with Sean the inward transformations taking place, after not talking to him about anything for some time.

"Have you seen the wall cave in when you inhale and pull out when you exhale?" he asked.

"I'm not sure yet, but I think so. I get headaches when I observe this," I replied.

"That's when you are one with yourself. There's no difference between you and anything. You're vibrational energy."

"I know," I replied. "I have to be this fully. I came to it about seven or eight months ago, and now I'm just beginning to be this. Similar to Nirvana, I came to it about six months ago around the same time; and now I'm just this."

"That's good that it only takes you that long. For some people, it takes years and lifetimes," Sean commented. "Tell your nephew that; the one who is a monk."

"He's doesn't seem to be open. He has many memorized scriptures and texts in his head. Well, I also lived over seven thousand lives, already," I added.

I also discussed throat chakras with him, and the meditations.

"You'll be communicating the absolute truth now," he said.

"Yeah," I responded.

One hot sweaty summer day, the heat was excessive and we had a heat advisory. It was 95 degrees F, and the heat index was 108. Not many people were out, but I took Sean's car to go get iced coffee, around this time; with no air conditioning. The windows were rolled down. He had taken my car to his parents' to pick up Santi to go to Santi's doctor appointment. Once I got my coffee, I drove back with no thoughts or memory of the fact that it was hot. Moreover, I didn't remember it was extremely hot until I sat in the car in the closed garage, drinking my iced coffee. I walked out of the car and stood in the back deck. Wasn't it supposed to be really hot? Why didn't I feel hot?

Chapter 2

In one meditation, I wore a warrior's clothes with brown boots, silver metal armor on both arms, and a golden crown on my head, looking like a queen as well as a warrior crossing a concrete bridge in the middle of the ocean. The atmosphere was dim. Everything was in energy, including myself. The nights held spheres stood alongside of the bridge on both sides as I crossed, with my cape flowing. A gray stone throne was ahead. I reached it, and sat on it.

In my physical life, my father was in the hospital; nevertheless I didn't want to visit him. Going in and out of the hospital was almost a normal occurrence for him due to his poor health. Even receiving a text from my sister about his circumstance, I ignored it and didn't plan to visit my father that day. However, when Santi was picked up by his grandmother for an outing, I went upstairs to wash my face and brush my teeth, getting ready for a mid-morning jog. With my eyes closed, applying lotion to my face, an image surfaced of my father in a wheelchair holding on to his life. It seemed he wanted to leave his body.

"He doesn't have much time," I said.

He looked unusual. His face was sunken and pale, unlike the other times when he was hospitalized. He asked me to help him change position because he was uncomfortable, so I did. Then he asked numerous times to reposition him due to discomfort. Somehow he didn't find relief despite the nurse aide and I assisted him a few times. By then, I was irritated. The situation reminded of how I'd had to help him continually with many things, especially his health, hospitalizations, after care, and so on. Every now and then while I was there, I yelled at him even though he could hardly hear due to his diagnosis of profound hearing loss and refusal to wear his hearing aid.

He fell asleep after he was given aspirin, I went home. Later in the evening, I complained to Sean about how incredibly tired I was of caretaking and helping out with my dad, although I hadn't helped much after informing my brother-in-law and sister a year ago that I was done. Even so, I found myself coming back to this old, agonizing resentment: inducing tremendous anger and aggression in me.

"It's your last hurdle," Sean informed.

"I know. The last load I need to put away: family and traditions," I said while burning energy of anger was creeping through.

That night, I felt pure anger surging through to where I wasn't sure if I could handle the immense energy. It was to the point that I wanted to give up, as if I couldn't face it head on. It almost felt like death, enduring pure, strong emotion. Despite the fact that it was such a hard task to face, I allowed the enormous fiery energy to go through my entire body. It was no different than allowing a bullet to go through my insides, which I resisted, as it was completely painful.

"Oh, my God!" I yelled inside.

The strong energy of my anger utterly overwhelmed me that I passed out until morning, waking up not remembering when I went to bed. Then I went downstairs to make coffee, and hadn't planned to visit my dad that day but chose to go see him later in the evening despite my lack of desire. Yet, I followed what was taught, disregarding my own feelings as if they didn't matter.

Again, I was angry and resentful toward him for relying on me, although I was mindful and aware of these residual feelings.

Before I left, he said, "Let me go home and live with you. Please take me with you."

"Dad, you have to stay and get better," I told him. His aide was aware of his situation.

Following his discharge, I didn't go see him. He lived with my sister and brother-in-law. About a week later though, I received another text from my sister at 11pm, saying my father was in the emergency room. He was in a bad shape from a fall. Despite his condition wasn't favorable, it didn't motivate me to go see how he was doing. Instead, I went downstairs and woke Sean up to talk. During our conversation, an image of my father putting his clothes in a brown suitcase, getting ready to leave, came.

"I need to go to the hospital now," I said.

Before leaving, I called my sister to find out what was truly going on; she couldn't really talk, she was crying. She informed he'd fallen earlier in the day, and the bleeding in his brain was severe. She was told by a doctor to call the family.

I was led by two security guards to an intensive care unit. A nurse took his pulse, put intravenous (IV) fluids into him, and spoke to my sister about his condition while I sat and listened. Once she was done, I asked about his prognosis, which she couldn't tell. The doctor on duty was the one who needed to provide the answer. When she left, I asked my sister for more information; however, she couldn't truly inform, so I tried to find out about bleeding in the brain on my smartphone, although I couldn't really read it because the light bothered my eyes and it was late. Then, I walked towards my dad. He wasn't able to talk, and turned his head slowly back and forth when I spoke to him as though he was confused, not knowing what was going on.

He's getting ready to leave in a couple, maybe three, days?

I almost blurted this information to my sister, but didn't.

"I love you, Dad," I told him before leaving. It was something I rarely say to him, my sister, or my mother.

Just about five minutes after waking up in the morning, my sister called, saying there was nothing they could do. The bleeding in his brain wasn't repairable. Sean left his job for the day to watch Santi; however, we all decided to go together.

We saw my aunt, my cousin, and his wife arriving at the same time in the hospital parking lot. We parked next to each other. We headed up to see my dad together after our greetings. Only two people were allowed to see him at a time. My aunt and I went in wearing protective gowns; he was in special precaution room. He seemed to be scared.

Right away, I said, "I will be there with you. I will see you off. Don't be scared. It's okay. I will see you off."

A little later, we got a call while waiting in cafeteria to go talk to the doctors who had just seen him. We were led into a room where all family members gathered to hear information about his prognosis and treatments. The lady doctor informed us we had to make a decision whether to let my dad go or let him live for a couple more months by doing dialysis. She further informed of the risks and outcomes. We were told he only had two weeks to live if he didn't do dialysis. If we chose to do it, it would be very draining to his body, as he was already profoundly weak.

"It's time for my dad to go. He's been in and out of the hospital for the longest time. He never liked dialysis. He has suffered enough. He needs to be in the comfort and warmth of his family and live out his last days," I said immediately. Surprisingly, my sister agreed with my decision.

Before walking out of the room, my aunt said, "Since you're not working, you can watch him often."

"I will do what I can," I told her though in actuality I didn't want to do anything, at all. In our culture, we were taught to always help out with family and care for our parents when they became old. If the children didn't follow what was taught, it was considered not rightful or dutiful. This was a burden, as I no longer believed in the traditional values, yet I was mindful and aware of this strong emotion, understanding its causes, and needed to absorb the residual effects of this completely.

My dad was going to be discharged later that day; so we decided to go home. Sean was going to put Santi down to nap while I went to my room to relax. When I closed my eyes, I saw myself and a couple of men carrying three dead bodies and tossing them in the hole.

"Don't bury them; burn them, instead!" I yelled.

We burnt the bodies and watched them turn into ashes. I scanned the forest, then commanded, "Burn down this whole forest and uproot! Take out the roots of the trees, now!"

Immediately, a strong, forceful wind blew our way, and I flew up in the air, commanding the warriors to uproot the trees and torch them down. Red, gray, and dark clouds moved incredibly fast as I sat in a meditation pose watching trees falling and uprooting.

"Stronger!" I commanded the wind. The wind became extremely, exceptionally forceful to where I was a little shaken by it, afraid inside, of my own force.

"You're taking down everything, God," Shiva said when he came.

"Yes," I replied, and as soon as he said it, this helped me to be less fearful; understanding what I was doing.

"Uproot, uproot!" I shouted.

"We are, God!" one of the warriors shouted.

As I continued commanding and observing what was going on, the destroyed trees reappeared almost instantly.

"Uproot! I told you guys to uproot, so uproot!" I shouted again; much louder this time.

"We did, God!" one of the warriors yelled back.

What the heck is going on? I opened my eyes from meditation.

Later, when I closed them again, I was at the scene where I held Shiva's trishula, wearing warriors' attire with a cape and standing in midair, observing the destruction of Heaven, Earth, and Hell. They were in pieces, swirling around as one big twister. To lead the twister to the black hole, I traveled in fast speed to activate the machines. After the switches were triggered, I opened the machine door, similar to a vacuum hole. The destroyed pieces went inside it.

The machine grinded any destroyed pieces until nothing was left. It was clear air, afterwards. A conveyor belt line appeared moving on my right, carrying statues of porcelain Buddha that came out on the other end of the machine. Numerous pure white Buddha figures were produced, taking the statues somewhere.

Curious, I followed to observe. They were in another room, spinning around in some kind of circle. Sweet donuts were in the middle of it, so I tipped them over until they were gone with no trace. Then, I went to sit in the middle before I came out of meditation.

After Sean woke up, I discussed this meditation with him.

"I told the warriors to uproot the trees and take them all out, but they reappeared immediately. I don't understand."

"Because you create and destroy at the same time," he said. "That was the ultimate destruction."

A friend saw me at pre-school registration; she asked how I was doing, after learning about my father's situation. Her daughter's nose bled; we didn't talk much. The registration was quite busy with many parents and children registering for school. I went to Santi's classroom and got booklets and lists of things to get for the year.

Later, the friend called on the phone to talk. She said, "La, you looked great. I thought you'd be a mess, since your father doesn't have long to live. It doesn't seem that you are affected by it. It's good that you understand life and death, so you can handle it well."

"Thanks," I told her.

"What is happening now, with your dad?" she asked.

"He's remembering. Once he reaches Nirvana, gains full remembrance, and returns to himself, he'll leave his body," I replied.

I closed my eyes while talking to my friend, an image of my dad in his youth, playing volleyball at the beach, appeared.

"Does everyone go to Nirvana?" she asked.

"Everyone is Nirvana and Self. You always return to yourself," I answered. "He's going from a full-grown man to his thirties, twenties, teens, and so on; until he's nothing more than pure, clear energy of consciousness."

"Is your dad going to take on another life?" she continued.

"Yes, he'll be in Egypt. He wants to be strong because he believes he was weak in this lifetime. He'll probably become a soldier and protect his family. Actually, I took him on a journey about seven or eight months ago because he was scared and couldn't let go of this form despite the fact that he was suffering."

Before we ended our conversation, I invited her to come to my sister's house where my dad lived and have dinner with friends and family. She was told not to feel obligated.

The next three days, Dad was in the same shape. My sister wanted him to do dialysis, though I asked her to think of his condition. Many of our friends and family members from near and far came to visit. The following evening, while everyone was upstairs eating and visiting with one another, I came downstairs to see him. I closed my eyes and held his hand.

"I'm God," he said.

"Yes, you are," I said, realizing that he didn't have much time left.

The next evening after I mingled with friends, I went upstairs to have dinner then came down a bit later while everyone was on the first floor, to be alone with him. Now he was breathing differently, and his face had sunk even more. To see where he was, I shut my eyes. He stood on the side of a lighted door when I came, afraid to enter.

"Go in. It's for you," I said. He stepped back. I walked towards the door and went in. "Follow me!" I shouted. He entered, and I led him through the lit wormhole. "See. There's nothing to be scared of."

We kept going until we came to a big silver machine in a room; I wasn't sure what it was. It wasn't the same machine as in the black hole. It had a point going round and round, like a sharp needle. We both looked at it.

"What is it?" I said. Then I became the machine itself, although I didn't get anything from this. I opened my eyes.

That night, I couldn't sleep, tossing and turning until morning, and thought I should take myself to the machine to see what it really was. Again, I became the machine, nevertheless I couldn't figure out its purpose.

"I don't understand this!" I shouted.

Soon I was in a room drawing a circle with a pencil, round and round until it broke.

"End of life!" I quickly said.

Again, I drew and it was the same: the pencil broke. The circle was done. Abruptly, I was inside my sister's house in the laundry room, watching my dad sew something on the sewing machine before the machine became out of control, going tremendously fast.

I tried unplugging the cord; I couldn't.

"What the fuck."

I came back, standing behind him, and instantly knew what he had to do.

"Unplug! Switch off!" I shouted. He continued sewing as the machine went faster, as if it was going to break soon.

"Unplug! Switch off!" I yelled.

Slowly, he reached his hand to switch off the black button on his left-hand side, then pulled the cord. The machine stopped. Suddenly, we both stood side by side, as he was transparent in his mid-forties, looking at his cold, unmoved physical body lying on the bed. Momentarily, he shot out of the house, and I followed. He flew higher, leaving.

"With all my love," I said with both of my arms hugging my chest.

Although I realized he didn't have much time, I continued to lie in bed, tired, trying to go back to sleep; but wasn't able to, and thought about visiting him in the afternoon instead of in the evening. The entire morning, I reminded myself to go see my father before noon, yet forgot. It seemed I remember and forget at the same time, instantly, unable to hold on to anything.

After my morning jog, I took a shower, and tried to nap. Despite my fatigue, I wasn't able to rest. The energy in me was low. Shortly, I got a phone call from my brother-in-law.

"He's gone," he said.

"Fuck," I said. I got dressed and left to see him. While I was there, I cried this time, and was mad at myself for not showing up before he took his last breath, although I was stunned that I could cry. Little later, I walked out of the house to get fresh air still angry with myself; however, when I headed back in, the entire scene was different although it was the same. It was if I just arrived to it. I couldn't truly explain, and I wasn't feeling anything anymore; as if it was gone and I was air again; as if I felt and didn't feel, at the same time. My inside was still, undisturbed.

At night, before bed, I wondered how my dad was now; if he was all right. As soon as I shut my eyes, I saw myself walking inside a big bathroom. Someone was having a baby in a huge, beige bathtub. A few people were helping. When the baby came, a nurse cut the cord and washed the newborn before handing the precious little one to the mother. She held a baby boy in her arms, realizing at the moment that it was the birth of my father in his new life. Gently, I touched his mother's arms while she was in a bedroom. Many people were present, watching, admiring the mother and the new arrival.

"She's loving and kind," I said. "You have a good mother, Dad."

It looked as though he'd be growing up in a beautiful middleclass family. I opened my eyes. In the morning when I woke up, it felt like death had gone through me. I wanted to cry, but couldn't, grasping he was truly gone. For the whole week, my energy was completely low as if I myself was going through death itself.

About a week later following his funeral, I visited his gravesite. It was kind of windy that day. To protect from the hot sun, I held a black umbrella. First I visited my mother's grave before going to my father's, which wasn't too far from hers. I put my umbrella down, quietly wishing him well on his journey. Suddenly, the wind became very strong, blowing the umbrella forward.

"Who is there?" I asked, startling.

It was my dad.

"I haven't had a chance to thank you yet for sending me off to my next journey. Thank you," he said.

"It's my pleasure," I said. I sat for a little bit before heading home, realizing I missed him, although he wasn't far; as he'd never left.

### Chapter 3

Daily, I also noticed I was more mindless than usual, not thinking about anything before or after. Despite the fact things could be right in front, I had no thoughts for it. I could be watching something for long while, without any labels. If I remembered something, I also didn't remember; almost at once. If I did remember, but nothing was attached, as if it didn't matter; then it was gone quickly. One day, I kept walking back and forth to check my phone while I was out with my friend at children's indoor playground. When she saw this, she asked: "Why don't you bring your purse to our table so you won't have to walk back and forth?"

"Oh. I didn't think about it," I replied.

Similarly on a different day when I was on the phone with my sister, she asked me to buy two food items from a grocery store; however, knowing I wouldn't be able to remember, so I asked her to text the list while I was there.

"Are you having dementia symptoms? Because there are only two things," she asked.

Her question made me laugh and told her not to worry, as she seemed concerned.

"Everything is the same to me; there is no distinction. I am only one thing and nothing more," I told Sean one day.

"Create opposites," he said.

Of course, I didn't remember how to do so; and even though if there were opposites, it was the same. I was just one thing.

In meditation, I found myself among the Gods in golden tents somewhere, with only energy in the open space. There were Shiva, Krishna, Buddha and others in their own shiny, shimmering tents, lying down and relaxing with hands supporting their heads; or just sitting. I was also in my golden, gleaming tent, as well. Just by gesturing my hand, I poured champagne for the Gods; all the glasses were filled at once. Then I shot up high into the air.

For a couple of months, nothing much was different except I became more and more mindless and forgetful.

In meditation, Shiva destroyed the doors as he was up in the air. Witnessing this, I flew to where he was, helping him until there were no doors left to destruct.

Weeks later, during meditation, I treaded down a hallway before seeing a red door.

Why is there a door here? Nonetheless, I opened it, and instantly I was in a different place: on a bridge, walking as the sun shone.

Every time I shut my eyes, I'd find myself in front of this red door. When I opened it, I was in another location. This time, I was on a cart with a big umbrella covering my body as I observed my surrounding, filled with nothing except empty light gray air.

In my physical life, I had a cyst that gradually grew big over a period of weeks, although I ignored the issue, hoping it would go away. Since I really wanted to have another baby, we decided to try, regardless I was in pain, and needed to go see a doctor soon.

That night, I had a dream that I was in India as a young, beautiful Indian woman married to a nice looking, young Indian man. We were an upper social class couple hanging out with our friends at a fine local restaurant.

In the morning when I got up, I felt pounding pain from the cyst, which had gotten worse. After Santi was dropped off to school, I went to see a doctor. The nurse took my temperature and informed I had a low-grade fever. Once she took my information, I waited for a physician in a room.

He came in, and my jaw lowered, surprised to see that the doctor was the exact guy I'd dreamt about the night before; whom I was married to in my dream. He asked questions, and I hardly was able to provide answers, busy observing his face, hair, the movement of his lips, skin, and so on. He recommended going to an emergency room (ER) to get treated; the cyst was too big. He reassured my wait wouldn't be too long, since I was referred by a physician and all.

At ER, I waited for at least four hours until I was taken to another room to wait in another waiting area before getting my own room. By this time, my pain level was about eight out of ten; and on top of that, I had a fever with cold chills and nausea. While waiting, I experienced an in immense, throbbing, burning pain, and people who waited in the same area watched as I suffered. Then I covered my face with my black winter coat, wanting to go yell at the nurses and doctors following many hours of waiting and hadn't been treated. Not knowing when I was going to get a room, suddenly I said: "I can help myself."

Immediately, an image of Shiva surfaced when he placed his hand on my back to help dissolve the fish bones stuck in my lungs, with his golden energy. With my eyes shut, I surrounded the golden air into the infected areas, allowing the energy circulate for moments. Surprisingly, within seconds, my pain was down from a scale of 8 to a 4. I was in disbelief. Then I projected the gold energy around my forehead to reduce the fever. In the same way, briefly, my head became lighter and I was without chills or nausea. I uncovered myself, looking at people and smiling before I finally got a room, walking behind a nurse who came to get me without having to hold onto the wall. In the room, I changed into a hospital gown and asked the nurse to take my temperature. My fever was down to 99.

A week before this, I was at the dentist office waiting long hours to see the dentist, and now I was in ER, doing the same achy thing. The lengthy wait became very excruciating, to where I was getting really impatient, deeply angry and frustrated. Something was going on. There was a big shift inside and felt I was at a breaking point.

Even in my own personal room, I had to wait to be seen again, so I listened to a Buddhist chant I've been listening to, not knowing what it meant, despite the fact that I had chanted this before reaching the door to Nirvana. I just listened. It was calming.

Sean worked late that day because he was on a snow crew with his job at this particular hospital. After hearing my numerous complaints about the wait, which was close to eight hours long and being in pain, he came in to hold my hand.

"You can do it," he said, informing that I'd created this situation to tell myself I could go deeper into the unknown more so than I had been. What he said made sense, although I didn't know what it was. Yet, I was open due to a big shift inside me, which I hadn't fully comprehended.

Moreover, he shared that I was in Hell, a place of people crying and screaming in pain, although I was neither Heaven nor Hell, but understood it. Eventually, a doctor's helper came in to drain the cyst, letting me know it was going to be painful. It was, causing me to scream loudly, and probably was the loudest screamer on that floor.

### Chapter 4

In my dream, I dreamt of levitating, rotating in my room with everything around. The dressers, lamps, and blankets were also in midair, but soon I fell onto the floor. The room was back to the way it had been. I told Sean about it, he said: "Oh, a thought came in."

"I don't know," I responded.

In meditation, I held a silver key in my hand before a white door appeared. Using this very key, I opened the door, and saw endless doors open at the same time before they all fell down simultaneously. However, when I turned the key counter-clockwise, all doors came back. Surprisingly afterwards, I swallowed the key after turning it clockwise with all doors fallen down.

In another one of my dreams, I was at an unfamiliar place in an open area somewhere. While I was in the air, everything around was also up above the ground, including trees, rocks, bushes, and so on. When I lifted my hand for them to go higher, they went higher. When I put my hand down, they all went down. Waking up in the morning astonished, that I was able to do what I did.

At night, I closed my eyes to rest, waiting for Santi to get done brushing his teeth. Immediately I was on a bridge, nothing was ahead. As I walked, the bridge kept laying itself out; though when I stopped, this stopped.

"I create as I go," I said.

When I opened my eyes, I uttered, "I create everything right here, right now, instantly. Nothing is here before it; but it is here now."

Then, in another meditation, I found myself strolling before suddenly I lifted my hand and everything around levitated. I waved my hand back and forth, everything moved back and forth. While standing in front of an ocean, I extended my arm out, to elevate the water into the sky. When I put my hand down, everything was back to the way it was. Then I shrunk the vast sea into a clear glass ball with water in it, before letting it back out. It became an ocean again. In whichever way I wanted, I could wield the water. As I wanted to move sideways, it went sideways. When I closed my hand, the water shrunk into a ball with only sand left on the ground; and when I opened my palm, it turned into an ocean.

Sometimes in my physical life, I would get headaches observing the wall because it contracted as I inhaled and expanded as I exhaled. Not only the wall, either: now it was the whole house moved to the movement of my breath. One day, I wasn't sure what happened. After dropping Santi off to school, I came home and stood by the counter and suddenly said, "I'm it, I'm it! It's all me now. I decide."

In meditation, I shot back and forth in the air until seeing a big Bengal tiger coming towards my way. Behind it was the big symbol of Aum or Om.

I've never seen that in meditation before.

The tiger jumped at me as I opened my arms wide, welcoming it. Then we headed west, with the symbol Aum becoming as big in red, similar to a big sun.

Afterwards, I looked up the meaning of Aum. Although I had heard and seen the symbol, yet didn't know what it truly was. There were many meanings to it when I searched on the internet, and didn't quite fully understand, so I asked Sean.

"It's God," he said.

At times when Sean and I argued, he would say, "Create! Move on from destroying, Shiva! You're so good at destroying; you don't even have to lift a finger. Everyone is scared of you, and they also love you to death. I'm scared of you. You're Shiva!"

On one occasion, I wasn't sure what he and I were arguing about, but he was afraid and didn't want to come out from his bedroom.

"I'm scared of Shiva," he said. He'd left the house a few times after he met me.

"I don't even know or aware, or remember I am destroying," I said.

"That's what is scary. You don't even know you're doing it," he said.

"I need to see it and know it; all of it. Be it!" I told him.

In one of my meditations I was with the tiger; but shockingly this time, I killed the big creature, then peeled off its magnificent skin and sat on it, uncertain why I'd ended the large cat's life. One thing I always knew about a tiger was, it represented my anger; my rage. Every time I saw it in the past, I would be furious about something, so I wasn't certain what the meditation meant. Had I now rose up above my anger, and was sitting on top of it?

To find more understanding, I read the story of Shiva on the internet. He killed the tiger when he walked in the forest. The powerful saints sent a tiger Shiva's way to test his strength, or they were jealous of him, since their wives couldn't keep their eyes off of him. The story was supposed to mean that Shiva was the 'Powerful One'.

I reflected one day, I realized my veins, vessels, the flowing of my blood, and every particle of me was Shiva. However, unlike before, I accepted more of who I was.

As days passed I noticed more and more it seemed like I knew nothing; I texted Sean telling him I was "retarded." Now I wasn't just mindless and didn't think much of anything; but I also didn't know anything. It was to where I completely, truly knew nothing at all. When Sean came home from work, I said to him again, "I'm retarded."

He laughed a little.

"It's like I completely, deeply know nothing; worse than a child. It's like I wasn't even been born yet," I elaborated.

Something had been going on with me for some time, though I didn't know what it was and I can't really describe it.

"It looks like you have slowed yourself down and are going back all the way to the beginning. You're paying attention to something. You're scared of the unknown," he said.

Then I shared with him my meditation where I'd flown into lightning, got struck, became disoriented, and had to recover in a black and white room for a few days due to the severe dizziness, and had to puke. After the recovery, a much bigger lightning appeared; I flew right into it, and got struck by the powerful bolt. This time; however, the lightning pierced through my body, shocking me to where I could see the electricity running through my entire form, which almost made me throw up but didn't, just standing wobbly. Once I got ahold of myself, another lightning surfaced, which was even bigger. I soared right into it, got shocked and electrocuted, and the lightning shot through my whole body. Moments later, I became the lightning itself. This astonished me, although I was disoriented, but not as much.

Later, I headed somewhere, and saw a tree not too far. Suddenly I extended my hand, opened my palm, and the electricity shot from it, knocking down the tree instantly. Some smoke came out of it.

I better not do that again.

I continued walking, and came to a lake and saw a fish swimming. Not thinking, I stretched my arm and opened my palm, electrocuting the fish. It died. Then I shocked the fish again, it came back to life healthier and stronger, with some golden energy in it.

"That's power," Sean said.

Many changes occurred, like before, I didn't truly comprehend what was happening precisely, as though I was completely lost, and didn't deeply have a clue as to what was transpiring. On top of this, I was non-minded and non-self (no identifications), even more so than I had ever been. There was nothing to me; just what was right then and there. It was though there were no aspects left of who La Kingsavanh was.

Meanwhile, the second memoir The Road to Nirvana was coming to finish, so I created a cover for it. Doubtless, I was nervous, yet this nervousness couldn't be described as an emotion. It was energy of it and not of it, instantly. With Sean and Santi as well as everything else, I'd get short-fused as I was at a breaking point.

"I just want a big change!" I told Sean. "I can't do this anymore!"

Although I didn't know what I was uttering, at the same time, I couldn't reread the memoir over anymore. While reading it, I became blank as if I wasn't attached to it; and reading the manuscript over many times became redundant, to where I didn't even know what I was reading, and had to read the pages over again.

In mediation, I walked on dark road and a dog ran my way. A bit scared that it was going to attack, yet despite the fear, I opened my arms wide, welcoming it. Soon Death appeared, carrying a big scythe and wearing all black with a hood without a face, heading towards us. The dog ran to Death, strolling by his side. Even though I was ahead, I wasn't too far, then I waited for them to get closer as I took gradual steps, realizing at the moment I was going to die and get killed off. Though I was afraid, I didn't run to hide.

Shortly, I stopped.

"Okay. Do it!" I shouted.

Death held up the scythe while I closed my eyes. He sliced my body half. Momentary, I stepped out of my corpse. Krishna the Divine God came sitting on top of the roof. I flew to him.

"Are you ready?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered, not sure what he meant. I came out of meditation.

### Chapter 5

In the following meditation, I found myself wielding water again. Since I had been doing this for some time, I was too good at it, turning and transforming it into a lake; making it fly, shrinking it, dividing the ocean in half, walking, and running on it. Similarly with rocks, I transformed them into anything I wanted: sand or snow, for instance. Then I made a canoe appear, to relax, and rowed. When I didn't want to row anymore, I created more arms to do the job of rowing while I lay back, relaxing and eating grapes.

"Krishna!" suddenly I heard loudly.

"Yeah!" I replied, and shot into the air quickly, finding myself behind Krishna riding on a black motorcycle, going somewhere. It was the same road I had been on, when I was heading to the tent, where I found him eating with the animals. It was where he told me to 'slow down' to enjoy life.

"Let me take the lead," I said; then climbed to the front.

"Do you know where you are going?" he asked.

"No," I replied. "But every road I take, leads me to myself."

My skin turned blue. He vanished while I rode on, but now I was going in another direction. Why am I going this way? Shortly, another road appeared on my right, so I took that route. Next, I stopped in front of a building in the middle of nowhere. It was similar to a cave or a hall; however, there was no physical structure: just air; energy everywhere making it look like a building. I entered, and saw that on both sides there were at least ten baby Krishnas wearing peacock feathers on their heads, with blue skin, chubby cheeks, and jewelry on their arms and ankles. Walking down the hall in slow motion, with every step I took, I heard: "Krishna! Krishna! Krishna! Krishna!"

I came into another area and saw Krishna himself sitting on the golden throne, wearing a gold outfit with a gold crown on his head.

"My love," I said with a bow. The figure was only his energy, so I went to sit on the golden throne and became him. The throne spun around facing a hallway. Then I was pushed down this hall.

"Keep going!" he shouted.

Instead of adult Krishna, I now turned into a baby blue God with curly hair and chubby cheeks and legs with blue skin, wearing jewelry on my arms and ankles, traveling down the dim passage. A metal pole similar to a dancer's pole appeared. I climbed upon it, and came to another floor, although I didn't stop, but kept going passing many thereafter. Finally, I became curious, stopped to take a look, and saw Shiva.

"This is Shiva's floor," I said, and got back on the metal thing, continuing until the pole ended; however, there wasn't anything to this level except murky air. I found myself playing with a roll of toilet tissue that had two ends. Not knowing which way to roll to make it one, I kept trying to roll the tissue into a single unit, but the other end kept pulling it; however, later, as I proceeded, it became one despite whichever direction I rolled.

A beautiful Indian woman appeared, wearing gold sari with a golden nose ring. She was elegant, beautiful, and perfect and was doing something (although I wasn't sure what. I got up to explore the area). I came back to where she was.

"Your ultimate power is love, Krishna," she said.

"Yes," I said, and made a little bow, acknowledging it.

Shortly, an Indian boy showed up. He was very thin, with dark tan skin and matted hair and was walking to another area that looked like a living room. Unsure who he was at first, I kept watching him. A trishul appeared in his hand. It was Shiva. He went to lie on the couch, watching something as if he was watching TV, though there was no television: only energy. He lay on his side and ate grapes, which helped me realize what I had been doing lately in my life. I had been relaxing, not doing much except taking Santi to school, working on finishing the memoir, and watching shows night after night. Instead of eating grapes, I ate plenty of raspberries and blueberries.

Following my observation, I walked outside, and was immediately up in the clouds, so I sailed back and forth until Shiva came, sitting in meditation higher in midair. He was big, as the whole atmosphere was him. I soared to where he was and made a bow.

"My love," I said. "I must go and get all aspects of who I am so I can be my complete Self."

"Yes," he responded. "But take this with you."

Suddenly, King headed my way, sat on my shoulder and a trishul appeared in my hand.

"Thank you," I said with a bow, reluctantly accepted them and didn't understand why I needed King and the trident.

I turned around only to witness astonishing, white snow covered cherry blossom trees and bushes with a road in the middle; although the road wasn't covered in snow. The scene was serene, tranquil, peaceful, and breathtaking. Only few moments of walking, a Chinese warrior came; dressing in gray villager's clothing from ancient China and wearing a bamboo hat. I wasn't sure if he held a sword or a stick. Then, I put cherry/white blossom flowers under the light, fluffy, pure snow, making the scenery even more breathtaking.

"You create a beautiful journey for yourself, Krishna," said the Warrior. I smiled.

We came to the end of the road, and I tried to create a track for myself by absorbing the trees with my hand, but couldn't. Despite my effort to make them disappear; they didn't budge. The Warrior saw this, he said, "Just wait a little."

Shortly, the trees slowly vanished (though it wasn't all the way, as I could see there were some left; although the tops of those trees had turned into energy). Then I soared into the atmosphere to observe, noticing that most of it was gone. So, I made an effort to create by putting flowers on top of those trees; however, only some grew. The Warrior clapped his hands slowly, like he was saying "nice try."

Soon I put more motivation into it by creating more flowers; only some appear, here and there. To see if there was more, I flew about; there wasn't much. This time, the Warrior didn't utter a word.

"I'm trying, here!" I shouted, then went back to stand next to him, observing what I had done.

"I can do better!" I said; then made a tree appear. It kept growing. King was asked to go check on how far it was rising, because it didn't stop.

"There's no end. You better come and check it yourself!" King yelled.

I climbed up, and came across a cream-colored snake and thought it was King, so I said, "My love," putting my head close to its head.

King shouted from up the tree: "I'm over here. Do you forget what I look like? I eat other snakes."

"Oops!" I said, and continued upward. There was no end to the tree. However, the meditation scene switched to where I was in an open, trying to shoot an army tank without missiles. The machine shot balls of energy that exploded like little fireworks. When I did so again, an image of myself popped out like a movie screen.

"I will give you everything, my love," I said, looking at myself.

Then I entered the picture and watched myself from behind while she (I) looked outside and saw the army tank and another version of myself watching us. She smiled before I entered her, realizing I was trying to create another baby, but couldn't exactly remember how I was doing it. A baby appeared and I held it until the little one turned into a wooden baby toy. I opened my eyes, coming out of meditation.

Increasingly I wasn't sure what was going on; much more so than usual, as if I knew nothing. Nervousness energy and fear now turned into one, which couldn't be distinguished as one or the other as it flowed and swirled, causing me to be uptight. It was as though I was completely, truly, lost and confused. It was to the where I couldn't sit still, as if I was going to have a complete outburst. Nonetheless, I prepared to go jogging despite the fact that the weather was cold and the wind howled at 23 miles per hour and the temperature was 14 degrees Fahrenheit. Even so I was going, as I needed to deeply listen to what was transpiring inside. However, once I ran downstairs to get my jacket from a closet, I decided to go to the basement to work out on the elliptical machine instead.

"What the heck is going on? What's going on?" I said, walking towards the exercise room on the brink of breaking down, hard.

My relationship with my son also changed; as if there was no relationship, only what was right then and there. It sorted of scared me that I was losing all aspects of who I thought I was. I wasn't just unattached, but was completely and truly so. Nothing stuck with me.

When I climbed onto the workout equipment, I closed my eyes and thought I wasn't going able to exercise, as I was completely lost and the energy had built up such that at any moment, I was going to crumble in loss and fear. I started moving, saying, "Oh my gosh. Oh, my gosh."

Soon, though, I found myself traveling down a wormhole at a very fast speed. It was different: the energy was blue and much more powerful, which added to my fear.

"Oh my gosh! I don't know if I can make it," I said as I continued.

The wormhole was long, far, and faster than any other I had been in. As I kept going, I was ready to come out of meditation; mainly because it had never ended and the energy was completely powerful, making me even more fearful. Finally, still scared and nervous, I came out the other end as if I was coming out of a manhole. Before it was my turn, two apes appeared in front of me.

"You're completely on the other side, now! There's no going back!" I heard.

What side?

It was a place I had been to numerous times, with wooden and regular metal light poles, and fog was everywhere. This time, there were only new light poles made of silver metal that was more enhanced; like communication towers.

"Wow!" I said witnessing this, though suddenly they changed back. Now I became even more confused, lost, and a bit shaky; not knowing what the heck was going on.

"Krishna!" I screamed in fear looking around.

Immediately, I was somewhere else, holding a tray with small wine glasses full of wine and walking into a room filled with energy. Krishna lay on his side with one hand supporting his head.

He sat up when he saw me.

"You have come to me, my love," he said.

He reached for a glass. I handed it to him. There were at least 5 or 6 of him in the room, so I went around serving a couple of them before gesturing with my hand, putting wine glasses in each of their hands at once. Wanting to cry, I looked at Krishna vulnerable.

"What's this all about?" I asked, trembling inside.

"Go through the tunnel," he said.

When I crawled in, I had turned into a boy, Krishna, of about 7 or 8 years old with blue skin, a symbol on my forehead, and a peacock feather on my hair, holding a flute. I kept on and came out through the same manhole, seeing wood and metal light poles again.

"What the heck?"

Lightning mixed with golden energy flashed on my left. I shot myself into it and got shocked all over, before turning back to my form, holding a small lighted candle with sparkles on a cupcake wrapper. A magic wane appeared in my hand as I held a baby on my right hip. Nothing was there, only air. With the magic wand, I created, making trees and skies appear as I walked.

Momentarily, I was back at a place where I was with the Chinese Warrior, but now I was sitting next to Krishna, meditating. Shiva's trishul immediately came to my hand, helping me understand its purpose.

Oh, this is what it is for.

I stood up, then flew about using the trident to make the bushes smaller, until they vanished along with everything else at the scene. All became energy except one big tree. I came to sit next to Krishna while his eyes were still closed in meditation.

"Make the tree disappear," he said.

I closed my eyes and moments later, opened them; but the tree was still there. Again I shut my eyes before opening them, though the tree didn't go anywhere.

"Wait a little," he said. This only meant "patience."

"There's no tree. It's not there. It's only a thought," I said, observing it.

Then I shut my eyes, and little later opened them, the tree was gone.

"Now, create!" he shouted.

Instantly, with just a blink, I put green grass, soft bushes, and trees back; like they'd just grown in springtime, fresh and new. I sailed around witnessing everything was filled with greenery.

"Yes!" I exclaimed.

"Not bad," he said before he vanished. I opened my eyes, coming out of meditation. While reflecting on it, I realized I was now moving to creation. The fear and nervousness of the unknown subsided, and I continued exercising.

### Chapter 6

A few days later while Santi was in school, I worked on finishing The Road to Nirvana. It was my last run-through after working on it for some time. It was now to the point that I couldn't do it anymore. Furthermore, I wasn't getting much out of it, and needed to let ago. In addition, I experienced tunnel vision reading over it numerous times, changing correct grammar to incorrect ones.

After editing, I lay on the floor relaxing, wanting to meditate to see Krishna.

See Krishna?

Suddenly it hit me like a big stone brick dropping on my chest, and I broke down, not knowing how I could miss him deeply, truly, and completely. From the deepest part of me as I understood at that very moment that he was all I'd ever wanted; the one I had searched for all along. All I ever deeply desired, longed and yearned for was him and nothing else. In disbelief and stunned, I continued lying on the floor. The realization nearly brought tears to my eyes.

Later, I put on music about him, "Hare Krishna," which I had never heard, for over an hour as I was editing. However, this tune came in meditation almost a year ago, though I didn't truly know what it was, since I'd never heard it.

Then I read somewhere on the internet that he was 'The Supreme One. The Supreme Being. The Supreme Power.'

"I will do anything to be with you, to reach you Krishna," I said, but didn't know what to do. "How can I get to him?"

Without knowing how, yet deeply and completely I wanted it with my all. Somehow, I realized there was still ways to go.

Once finished with editing, I went for a jog. Many things changed. When I saw someone, I wasn't just seeing anyone, but God. Things became even more instant, as if I had just newly arrived, as if I just popped in the picture. After my exercise, I showered before lying in bed and closing my eyes.

Immediately, I found myself walking in a deserted land filled with nothing except sun shining. Suddenly, wild buffalo ran my way. Unsure about what was going on, though I stepped aside, letting them go by until Krishna came. Happy to see him, so I smiled, this time. He was now in his late teens or early twenties. He shot paralysis needles from his flute to immobilize at least ten buffalo. They collapsed onto the ground. Before I had a chance to ask for his reasons, he said, "Heal them."

He went to sit on the front porch of a white little house that just appeared, and I followed. When I came close, I went behind his back, putting my arms around his neck; then lay on his lap, looking at the buffalo, not definite how I was going to revive them.

Should I heal as Shiva did, or shoot my electric light?

From where I was, I gestured with my hand to take out all the needles. The sharp objects flew off immediately. Then I put my golden light into the buffalo as they lay unconscious. They moved by sticking their heads up, but they didn't get up to walk or run. I shot my electric light into one of them, the animal collapsed. I did it again and it sat up, but didn't get up or move. I went to where the buffalo were, examining the situation before going inside a couple of them, and saw dim lightbulbs. By turning the bulbs, they became lighter. Now those ones got up and ran. However, the rest didn't have light bulbs, so I tried healing them using my jade energy, though it didn't do anything.

This should be a piece of cake. I could do this easily, with a blink of an eye.

I headed back to Krishna, letting him know they wouldn't heal.

"Try again, my love," he said, touching my chin.

He vanished. This time when I assessed the animals, I put my green energy into them again; they didn't budge. Shortly, I went to sit in meditation on the front porch. When I opened my eyes, the animals got up. I closed my eyes a bit longer, then opened them. The buffalo started running, I smiled. Then I made at least ten buffalo appear, lying unconscious, and healed them instantly by closing and opening my eyes. Krishna showed up in the atmosphere. He was proud. I beamed.

At dinner time, it was different. Now I wasn't just missing the Divine God, but I wanted to be with him in all aspects, in every single way possible: mentally, spiritually, and romantically which, of course, I couldn't believe either. Once Santi was in bed for the night, I read more about the child God Krishna, the boy playing flute, the model lover, hero, and his supreme power. Although he had been my guide, I didn't know much about him except that a couple of times, Sean had told me that Krishna was God, and heard his name once through a client of mine. Whenever he showed up in my meditations, I thought nothing of who he was.

I wondered if this is what's going on with me. I was a baby Krishna not long ago. Am I moving to a lover?

However, not thinking anything of it, I read on. Despite what I read, I'd soon forget, as if I didn't read it in the first place. Nothing stuck until I come to it and be 'it' myself. It had to be in me, as me. Afterwards, I viewed his pictures and saved them in my iPad folder; especially the pictures of him as the lover; not thinking. The only truth was: I was becoming consumed and head over heels like a teenager in love, longing for him continuously as I breathed.

In one of my meditations before this, I was trapped in the mirror, where I couldn't see myself. It was truly enclosed, where I had to sit and meditate in order to breathe. Images of Krishna emerged in every single mirror, with a peacock feather tied in his hair with a headband, playing flute, approximately in his mid to late teens or early twenties.

In a different meditation, I was surrounded by a full-length golden mirror, and couldn't see myself; however, I was consciously there, unseen.

At night, I wasn't able to sleep, tossing and turning and falling completely, insanely in love: so much so that I wanted to burst into tears as the energy burned and churned inside. In the middle of the night, I woke up to use the restroom and couldn't fall back asleep because I yearned for him; missing and deeply desiring him, as I was being completely taken by him.

Every song I heard on a radio became about Krishna and I. When I closed my eyes to meditate the next day, I was in the deserted land again where I'd healed the buffalo, and where I'd seen the Aum symbol for the first time.

Krishna walked my way. I ran to him; however, instead of waiting for him to guide, I opened my arms wide, hugging him and telling him how much I missed him, wanting to be with him completely, truly, and deeply. There was nothing else I wanted except for this. Then we walked toward the small white house and sat on the front porch. He took out his flute to play, but I grabbed it from his hand, lay on his lap, and played the instrument. I gave it back to him; though when he was about to play, I snatched the flute away quickly. He tried to take the musical tool from me, but I put it in my other hand. When he almost got it, I got up and ran. He chased me. We played around as though we were lovers.

We went inside the house and lay in bed, afterwards. I watched him closely and touched his face, letting him know my love for him.

"I deeply, completely, truly in love with you," I said. "All I ever wanted is you. I will go to the end of the earth for you."

Later, he went outside on the porch to meditate while I sat in the room. When I came out of meditation, I didn't know how I was going to have him around eternally. Now that he was with me, I didn't want to lose him. As days passed, I noticed I didn't eat or sleep much because I was overwhelmed by being in love, and lost weight.

For quite some time, I hadn't been on social media since there wasn't much desire, though one night I decided to do so. However, a few of the posts were about Krishna, with his pictures, and my heart dropped, beating faster. While being deeply consumed by this day and night, minute by minute, I wondered what was happening, wondering if he was Aum. Often, we were always where I walked toward the Aum symbol.

At night, in my dreams, I headed to the small white house. Krishna waited. As soon as I saw him, I ran toward him, hugged him, and then gently kissed him. We walked somewhere, holding hands, but there was nowhere to go; there was nothing except empty air. So, I made a blanket and a picnic basket, and a champagne bottle and glasses appeared in front of us, and played my favorite love song.

Is this the beginning of creation, since nothing is here and it's completely empty?

He lit up the whole sky with shimmering stars. We sat down, gazing at bright, blinking stars, enjoying our evening. Later, I leaned against him and he put his arms around me. I turned around and whispered, "Make love to me."

We gently and softly kissed, then made love under the nightly atmosphere full of shimmering stars. Suddenly we were back at the small white house. I lay in bed; he walked outside to sit.

Then I woke up to use the restroom in the middle of the night. After I fell back asleep, I was right back where I was, in the bedroom inside Krishna's arms. He got up and turned his back to me. I was taken aback.

Is he rejecting me?

Unsettling inside as I couldn't bear to lose him, it would cause so much heartache and disappointment in me. While looking at his back, he seemed different. His body was a bit stern with muscles. I stood up to observe; he walked out to meditate on the front porch. I followed and realized it was the God of Destroyer.

"Shiva," I said.

Instantly, he and I were at the ocean shore that I had been to a couple times, with him making love and lying on the rock as Shiva held me in a white, furry blanket. He was porcelain white with big eyes, muscular and strong. He was no doubt handsome. The atmosphere was calm and quiet, with stars shinning, reflecting the water in the evening.

"I love you truly and completely, my cosmic love," I said as we made love.

Afterwards, I saw a shiny, shimmering shell and lifted myself to pick it up to play. I blew on the front side of the shell, then realized what I was doing, so I turned it around to other end. He was about to show me, but I told him, "I remember."

Once I was done playing, he kissed me, and whispered, "Tell Krishna I say hi."

Immediately I was in a room, looking at Krishna from the back. Quickly, I rushed to him and put my arms around his waist.

"I completely, truly, deeply love you with my all," I said, as if I couldn't do anything else, as if all my senses and reasons were gone.

Next, we walked somewhere and came by an ocean, where lightning and storm formed.

"Stop the storm," he said.

Uncertain how I was going to perform, though I reached out my hand to stop it, that didn't work. I flew into the storm, got struck by lightning, and fell from midair. He flew to where I was and held me before I hit the ground. The thing was: I probably didn't have to get hurt after I was struck, shocked, and electrocuted by lightning on numerous occasions until I was this lightning itself. However, this time, I allowed myself to get hurt simply because I wanted him to take care of me.

As he carried me back, I smiled, though I was a mess. My hair was wild and smoke smeared on my face. When we got to the bedroom, he tucked me inside the blanket, touched my face, walked outside, and sat in meditation.

As I recovered, I closed my eyes and went back to ocean to stop the lightning and storm. I reached out my hand to absorb the tempest, shrinking it, and was able to grab it inside my palm. Then I made an effort to stop the lightning by reaching out my hand, although I couldn't. Again, I tried without success. I opened my eyes and saw the black, gray stormy energy in my hand. Krishna came in. I dissipated it into nothing.

"I stopped the storm, but I'm not able to stop the lightning," I told him.

We walked, holding hands while I was giddy similar to a high school girl, to where the lightning was, which was now mixed with some sort of golden light; the ocean was gone when we arrived.

"What are you going to do?" he asked.

In a few seconds, I shot myself into the lightning, sat down and closed my eyes in meditation. The lightning strike pieced through my form as I sat unmoved until I was filled with gold energy. When it was done, I was exactly identical to Krishna, with blue skin, wearing golden bracelets on both of my arms and outfit. I was surprised. He smiled; however, I switched back to my own form because I still wanted to be lovers; to be in a romantic relationship with him.

Back in the room, he put his face and nose against mine. We rolled around in bed. He seemed to be proud.

Waking up in the morning unable to grasp I'd had this dream. It seemed I encountered Krishna lately. Was this his territory? Was I in Krishna's Consciousness? Krishna is a lover.

In the morning, I didn't feel like eating breakfast, although chose to have a bite of something just so I could go jogging and not get sick later. No doubt, I thought of Krishna, taken completely by the love, and had to slow down and walk, rubbing my chest because of the burning energy inside. It was utterly strong, and wondered when it was going to slow down despite the fact that I didn't want it to. The song about 'letting go, saying goodbye' popped into my head periodically. Silently as I walked, I sang along. Also, I wasn't sure why I called Shiva 'cosmic love'.

Is he a cosmic God?

Sometimes I kept looking at the ground to see if there was one. Mostly, I thought about how unbelievable it was to be in love with God, Krishna. How crazy I was. Never could I have imagined being in love with him like this. It'd never occurred to me.

During shower, I was in disbelief that I was head over heels in cloud nine. Why am I in love with Krishna - God? Never in a million years had I thought this would happen. As I dried myself off, an answered emerged.

Because you're God, yourself.

It had been a long time I'd cared about my looks, as I wasn't too attached to my appearance. Mainly, I stayed active by exercising and sometimes ate healthy, whenever I could. That day though, I wanted my stomach to be tighter, so I did more sit ups than normal despite my stomach hurting. Yet, I kept at it, and thought of maybe working on my buttocks and arms to tone them, as well. After doing sit ups, I thought: Krishna isn't interested in my form or appearance, but my energy and frequency, which is becoming in tune with his.

In the afternoon, I had to pick up customized picture flames of Krishna and Shiva; the prints I'd ordered a couple months ago as Christmas presents for myself. My heart dropped, beating fast, when they brought out his handsome picture. Since I was engulfed by this love, when I saw someone, I beamed. A couple of people were behind in line. With a smile on my face, I let them go in front of me.

I came home with pictures of the Gods; Santi was eating lunch with Sean. He happened to ask Sean about Shiva at the same time I walked in the door. No doubt he'd told Santi that I was the God of Destruction, Shiva.

"Mommy is not Shiva. Shiva is far away," Santi said.

"No, Mommy is Shiva. You're looking straight at Shiva," Sean answered.

That night I had to go see a movie with Sean, though I didn't want to because I wanted to meditate and be with Krishna. Maybe fantasize about him, as my whole system contained this romantic love. Moreover, I didn't want to tell Sean what was going on; I couldn't and wouldn't. He probably didn't care.

In addition, I thought how I must be completely crazy and out of my mind, to be in love with God. And I was totally out of my mind. When Santi fell asleep after the movies, I closed my eyes and was right back in the room at a white house; however, Krishna wasn't there, leaving me alone with a flute in my hand. So, I walked out of the house disappointed, and didn't truly know what was occurring, since I yearned to see him. Shiva appeared in the sky, with many others. Some of the people who came with him were on the ground, as though they were going to have a festival.

What's going on? Is he going to cause trouble? Protesting?

I flew to him, touched his face, and said, "We said our goodbye. We already said our goodbye, my love."

He and the rest soon vanished. I walked on with sun shining and nothing was around: only empty air. Am I going my own way, now? I can't give him up. I have to find him. Where will he be? He's probably with the other Gods.

Quickly, I went to where they were, and found myself treading down the hall in slow motion, filled with energy. The Gods must have heard my footsteps because one of them said, "She's coming."

Upon entering the room, I saw the Gods sat opposite each other, though I wasn't certain which Gods were there. My sole focus was on Krishna sitting on the golden throne and looking at me as I approached. The other could be Hanuman (a Hindu deity), as I saw his face briefly, but I wasn't sure either. I got to the middle, wanting to cry because he'd left, he said, "You have come."

Since I'd missed him immensely and was in love so blindly, to where I would do anything and go anywhere high or low for him, I flew right to him on the throne. It pushed us all the way back to another room.

This time, Krishna took the initiative. He caressed my face before he kissed me as I gazed into his eyes, mesmerized and hopelessly and weakly taken by this affection with him. The room was different, as well as Krishna himself. He was bluer. The room seemed luxurious with some decorations, but I couldn't remember what they were.

"You are so much more beautiful," he said, holding me afterwards.

Moments later, I went out to the balcony wearing gold sari, golden bracelets on my arms, ears, nose, and my black hair neatly combed down to my back, looking no different than a princess. Then I heard one of the Gods say from the other room, "He's making her his bride."

Two beautiful women came by dressed nicely in their outfits; I made a hand gesture for them to leave, not wanting anyone to be around Krishna except myself. They disappeared.

After roaming the garden, I came back into a different room. Krishna sat in meditation. I went to sit in front of him, witnessing his golden energy flowing through him, glowing bigger. A pure, white cow came from behind him. I closed my eyes to meditate. The golden energy suddenly traveled through me, glowing and becoming similar to his. He wasn't around when I opened my eyes, though he hadn't gone anywhere. He was behind, putting a golden crown on my head.

"My queen," he said, which of course made me smile.

He then sat directly across, transferring his golden energy, so our golden energies immersed as if we were in union, married - one. Suddenly we sat in front of the other deities while I sat on the throne next to him as his queen.

It was late into the night. I opened my eyes from meditation to go use the restroom. When I was back on my bed, I couldn't fall asleep; then closed my eyes. In the room where all the Gods were, I entered wearing the clothes I wore earlier in the day: gray jacket, black and white colored flowery scarf, black tights with brown boots, and black messenger bag. I got to the middle, and dropped down onto my knees, confessing my deep, absolute, complete love to Krishna. With no past or future, my love was pure, untainted, and untouched. He vanished, as well as other deities. Slowly I got up and went to sit on the throne.

Then, I was in another room with him. He touched my face, but I turned away sad. My sadness was because I didn't deserve his love, although there was a little aspect of it that was left after I had worked on this issue of undeserving love. He led me by the hand down the hallway and up the staircase until we came out on top of a roof. We hopped onto the black helicopter; it didn't go far. Something held it in its place. To see what hindered the aircraft, I looked and saw a ladder on the side of it. I pushed it down, although it appeared again. Shortly, I saw two strings.

"Cut the strings!" I shouted. The strings were cut. Nonetheless, the helicopter wobbled as it was ascending.

"Don't shake," he said.

"Give me a little time, my love," I said, realizing I needed to understand and face what was inside me. Moreover, I understood he was taking me higher; I didn't want the romance to end. Things were going to change, and I still wanted to be lovers.

Suddenly I was at the beach, strolling with the understanding that I was letting go any aspect of self, what I had known, and the reasons for my undeserving love. As the sun was setting, he came to walk along and holding my hand. Later, he left. After my reflective stroll, I played with the seashell alone in the sand.

"Krishna come and play with me," I said.

Immediately, he came and brought along his seashell. We played for a while, making little sand castles and music with our shells as the sun lowered. Afterwards, we stood up. He hugged me.

"Do you always come when I call you?" I asked.

"I will do anything for you, my love," he said.

His affection touched me; I almost cried. Right then and there, I whispered, "I deserve it. I deserve his love."

He held my hand.

"I will be with you completely. Give me a moment to be with myself. There's nothing for me except to be with you," I told him.

He vanished. I sat observing the wide ocean, and the song about 'saying goodbye and letting go' popped up again, which helped me understand I needed to leave behind what I knew in order to be with Krishna completely. He appeared in the sky above the ocean with two ladies on either side of him. They were in a golden, shiny place. It made me smile, realizing he was tempting me and knew I couldn't resist, so I took myself to where he was. They were either painting or doing pottery, but I can't remember which. He wrapped his arms around me when I sat in front of him. I opened my eyes.

A few months ago, I was nearly in tears, unsure what it was about because the energy built up. I kept saying to Sean, "I'm unsure if I can make it, going all the way to the end. I'm not sure if I deserve it! Maybe I don't deserve it."

Sean asked what it was all about. I had no answer, it just came out. Now I understood.

### Chapter 7

The following day, the energy slowly waned. Until morning I was able to sleep not waking up periodically at night, although I woke up early that morning, yearning for Krishna. So, I closed my eyes for meditation. We were in the same helicopter, trying to take off. The aircraft ascended from the roof and it seemed as if it was going the distance, but the bottom parts ripped away.

I'm taking off no matter what.

It kept going, although its parts were torn off. Despite my effort to replace them, it didn't work. It was high up in midair, wobbly, as most parts were now gone. Then I was all over, checking to see if everything was fine. Even with the fact that I replaced the parts by just making them appear, they didn't stick. Then I remembered Krishna had said, "Don't shake," yet I did.

"Krishna! Do something!" I said.

He sat on the passenger side, not even distracted. Shortly, I just let it go. If it was going to fall, I was going to let it be; I sat back as the bottom and now the side of the aircraft stripped away piece by piece into thin air; though the helicopter kept going, heading somewhere. The bottom of it was now transparent. The helicopter didn't seem to need it.

"You did do something," I said, smiling and turning to him then went to sit on his lap and made love to him.

Soon, we were someplace else. It could be the Garden of the Gods, as Hanuman and other deities, either walking on ground or gliding in the air. Green bushes, willow trees, and other plants surrounded the garden. Krishna and I was a married couple. We went everywhere together, holding hands. He took me to another area in the garden; we sat watching a misty whirlpool or a pond. Sharks and other animals (or something else, I'm unsure) were attacking each other.

"What's this?" I asked wanting to leave, unsure why he was showing this.

"Just watch," he suggested, I sat back down.

Eventually, the sharks and the rest of the animals faded into air, Aum symbols floated out of the hazy pool; in awe as I sat witnessing more and more emerging. The pond transformed into energy as my mouth opened wide, captivated by Aum signs. One symbol was very close; I reached my hand to touch it. It seemed to fall, so I let it drift upward before I flew to sit on one. It carried me around.

This has to be the center of Aum.

Everywhere I glanced, Aum symbols filled the atmosphere, while the Gods sat and relaxed in the garden. I went back to where Krishna was sitting on a seat cushion.

"You have brought me here," I said to him. He seemed tired and sluggish, resting his head on the seat.

Then we were in a white carriage decorated with gold seams, going somewhere.

Why are we leaving Aum? The garden of God? Krishna's world.

He put his head on my shoulder, resting during the ride. Shortly, we entered another place. It had willow trees on each side, white houses, and other green trees, just like Earth.

"God Krishna is coming!" I heard.

They even announce that he's here?

No one was driving the carriage, so I went to the front seat, grabbed the ropes, and drove it. We stopped in front of a building that looked like a skyscraper, with a couple of lush trees in front of it. I got out, headed towards the building, and rang the doorbell.

"Who is this?" a voice from the intercom asked.

"God Krishna," I answered instantly.

The door opened. I entered, saw the stairs, and ascended them. After walking a few flights, Krishna came and held my hands. I grinned inside.

He still knows what's going on.

We went up on top of the roof, observing the sky, before we were at the center of the universe, which I had been to many times. It was my station for me to view the galaxies, stars, planets, and so on. It was similar to an open studio with computers, telescopes, and few other forms of technology; inside the universe and looking at it. Krishna rested on a chair while I peered into a telescope, seeing nothing except him everywhere.

He's the Universe. Aum.

Santi was up, I opened my eyes. He watched his television shows, and I headed downstairs to prepare the aromatic coffee.

While drinking my creamy morning coffee, I wasn't sure why Krishna wasn't as active.

Was he letting me lead while he's by my side? Letting me come to it myself? The announcement was not for anyone but for me. Why was a shark there? Was it that I still have some aggression left, and once it's gone, I would be just be Aum?

Moreover, I reflected on love stories, marriages, love songs, and movies all started from Aum - Krishna. It seemed I was at the starting point: the beginning.

On my drive back from Santi's school, it was no surprise I was head over heels in love. Every song I heard was about Krishna and I. The music sounded interesting than usual, even songs I normally wasn't into, I was into. Once home, I meditated.

This time, I found myself taking a bath, pouring full cup of water over my head, wetting my hair and body. Krishna grabbed the cup from my hand and poured water on me. He put soap on my body, then shampoo on my hair and rinsed. When I stepped out, I noticed I was younger, with soft skin, longer hair, shorter in height, and approximately I was about fifteen years old. Once he finished drying me with a white towel, he gently combed my hair. We looked in the mirror, and I saw parts of his form, before he became air. Majority of my physical aspects were gone as well, then everything else vanished. We couldn't see ourselves, but we were there, consciously unseen.

We are consciousness that can take shapes and forms anytime.

I opened my eyes from meditation, then worked on finishing up The Road to Nirvana. For sure, now, the memoir had to be done, as I was no longer attached to it. It appeared I had already moved on.

The overwhelming energy of being in love with Krishna like a teenager gradually subsided, turning into complete love instead. That particular day, I planned to go jogging, but was too tired and had a short fuse with Sean and Santi from the lack of sleep for many nights; and I hardly ate. Moreover, the romance had slowed down, and I didn't know how to accept that and had to come to face it; especially what was truly going on.

When I shut my eyes again, I saw myself as an eleven-year-old girl wearing all-white, one-piece pajamas while Krishna shaved my head. He was in his late teens. My head was bald after it was shaved, which made feel a bit shy, as I wasn't attractive without hair, but he held me in his arms before my body gradually faded and soon I was formless; all energy. Then my energy intertwined with his, and it looked we were making love with no face, no body, without form; just conscious energy itself.

After I took a shower around dinner time, I almost passed out in bed from skipping dinner again, tired from little sleep. A song came on made me a bit sad, not knowing what was truly going on now. When my eyes were closed, I found myself staring at water until Krishna showed up everywhere in the river, sky and clouds. It started raining shortly. While I walked down an unpaved village road somewhere in the third world, he came holding an umbrella over my head to protect me from the rain.

He was a teenager in light blue skin, with a peacock feather tied to his hair with a headband. I took an umbrella from his hand and tossed it on the side of the road, letting myself become drenched as he sat inside a hut, observing. Then I sat in meditation as the rain poured; however, soon golden energy flowed inside me. Little later, I went to sit next to him.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"You! Only you!" I answered. "To be husband and wife, in union and one through this eternity. There's nothing else that I want except this." I will go to the end of the world for you.

My love was completely deep and unshaken, where I would do anything; go through highs and lows, life and death for him, for this love.

Suddenly the meditation scene changed. Walking down a dark hall, I witnessed a cobra inside a bowl, sticking out its head.

"King! I miss you!" I said, then leaned over to kiss its mouth and walked on. Not long, I came into a room where Shiva sat in meditation with king cobras around his neck and on both of his arms. He didn't move as I stood observing him: it seemed as if it was only his stone statue, so I was at ease, as it seemed I really moved forward from him. Outside, I saw a snake inside a tank. The sky was dark.

Is this my fear?

Krishan came. He answered my question when I asked what it was about; however, I forgot his response. It turned into a big serpent like I never seen before, taking over the sky once I released it.

What the heck? The sky turned darker, with lightning flashed far and wide. Am I supposed to destroy this? Then it will be like lightning!

King came.

"King!" I shouted. Can King just eat this snake?

King turned almost as big as the serpent, but wasn't big enough to swallow it. However, before I could destroy the giant snake, I was somewhere else, walking toward a dark copper tone Buddha statue with white lotus flowers that fell peacefully on it. Calmly, I stood watching.

Then I was back with the gigantic, black snake, as I stood in the air, transforming the storm into a twister and grabbing it in my hand and threw the dark and gray energy at the serpent; nevertheless, the scaly reptile was still alive.

Suddenly, I remembered.

"Didn't Krishna destroy a serpent before? Krishna! Help!"

However, he looked up at me as though I could handle it. Again, I turned dark clouds into a twister, smashing the serpent with it while being up in the dimly sky, before I cut off its head with a sword that readily appeared in my hand. It fell on the ground, though its stomach was still big and moving; small snakes came out from its gut. I smiled at King. The sword seemed like it was Vishnu's sword, though I hadn't seen him in meditation for years and hadn't held his sword before.

"Was that to live out my last aggression?"

Curious as to why a Buddha statue had appeared and wondering if he'd wanted me to have mercy for the snake, reflecting once I came out of meditation. If so, it was too late. I'd killed it.

The energy of being insanely in love gradually faded. Doubtlessly I was sad and heartbroken in some ways, not wanting the romance to end. When I briefly closed my eyes, I found myself in a big open room with Michael Angelo's arts on the wall and ceiling.

The bed also looked like it was from ancient Rome. It seemed to be the bed of a Roman emperor or an empress with very fine and exquisite pillows, blanket, and sheets. Krishna carried me there to rest.

"Stay with me," I said, wanting him to be by my side. Since I continually saw him, breathed him, and a lot seemed to be going on, he was informed of my desire to have a little break. Then I fell asleep until morning. When I woke up, I lay in bed low in spirit and trying to process what was happening.

Was seeing Shiva's stone statue meant that it was done? Have I moved on from him now, completely?

Santi woke up wanting to watch his TV shows, and I let him. It was nice to be sleeping through the night and didn't wake up periodically during sleep. Lying in bed, I closed my eyes and immediately saw Krishna. He'd showed up in his twenties by the ocean. The atmosphere was semi-dim.

"My love," I said, and hugged him.

Not seeing him for about seven long hours, I missed him already, deeply. He walked away. I called his name, not wanting to lose him or his love. There was no question that I was still insecure, so I followed him. We came into the same room where I'd rested earlier, and I asked him not to walk away and to stay with me. I climbed onto the bed, resting, holding his hand. However, the meditative scene switched to where I'd destroyed the serpent and saw Buddha walking away.

It was nighttime. There was nothing except air. He was in his monk's yellow/orange outfit, with his black hair up in a bun. He wasn't like a regular Buddhist monk, but had a light golden glow. He kept heading away while I tried talking to him. Then I went in front of him to stop him, but he looked at me as though I was in his way, so I moved aside.

Why do these men walk away?

It was disheartening as I went the opposite direction from Buddha. A big tree appeared. I went to sit under it. It was a tree similar to when he'd found enlightenment. I closed my eyes and sat in silence until three Buddhas showed up; then about twenty of them came to sit in front of me in meditation. Suddenly I lifted up my hand, opened my palm, and smiled inside.

Thank you, my love. I'm all the way back at the beginning.

The leaves gently fell from the tree.

Abruptly, I was up in the open nightly sky where I'd killed the serpent. The storm was in the mist of forming. A gigantic serpent emerged with two heads, then three; with red glowing eyes and an army tank below its tail.

What the heck?

It kept getting bigger, taking over the dark air again. Krishna's flute appeared in my hand, I shot paralysis needles to stop the creature, though it didn't work. The needles couldn't get through its thick scales and came off quickly. I flew on top of the giant snake and stomped on it. It threw me down to the ground hard. While looking at it for some time, I realized within me now there was no desire to fight or to have battles or wars any longer. It was gone. Momentarily, I grinned, realizing what I was going to do. The monstrous serpent waited for me to attack.

Then I headed towards the massive snake, like David to Goliath, as it hovered over the entire atmosphere, with my arms wide open because I was going hug and kiss it like I did with King. Love was the only thing I was going to give. I shot up, landing on top of it, hugged it, and kissed its head. The mighty serpent shrank smaller and smaller.

"Come on. It's okay. We can still have fun. You can throw me around, my love," I said. Soon it was gone, as well as the tank.

While I wasn't meditating, I contemplated on how everything began, as I was all the way back at the starting. The love with Krishna, our love, the story, and our matrimony all started from this and never ended. It was no different than daily physical life. When I saw a commercial of a man hugging a woman behind her back on my smartphone, the loving words they exchanged made me beam as I remembered how everything came about and where it all came from.

I went downstairs to brew morning coffee. Then, I called for Santi to come downstairs to write his name on Valentine's cards for Valentine's Day. He had always been hesitant to learn to write letters. It could take him five minutes to write just one letter because of fear of trying and making mistakes, which was of course a lot like myself. Lately, he had been going through a whiny, yelling and screaming stage. The whining could go on periodically throughout the day. When he came down, he was encouraged to write his name on the cards so he could give them to his classmates. This was his class project. He didn't have a hard time writing the first and second cards, but then it took him a long time to do the rest. Every time he finished with one letter, he wanted me to hug him, hold his hands, and rub his back; and then he whined.

At the same time, visions kept surfacing and they were non-stop, as if I had opened the flood gate (which I had, a few mediations ago). A vision of me dancing in a hall with Krishna surfaced. We wore masks at a masquerade party. He made other dancing couples appear in the room, dancing like us. They dressed as they were in the Great Gatsby era.

We are just dancing with ourselves. There is no one else.

Then I gestured with my hand, taking off masks of everyone. They all disappeared, along with Krishna.

Where is he?

As I was completely in love, and couldn't get enough of him, I made many Krishnas appear.

"Which one of me do you want?" one of them asked.

"All of it! All of you!" I answered.

"There's just one," he replied.

"All of it!"

In the clouds, land, and water, I made Krishna appear, before filling him everywhere in the entire universe.

Is this how it never ends? I can't get enough or have enough of Krishna; of Aum. Love is in love with love itself? The lovers long for one another? The feminine and masculine divine energies intertwine to create. If this continues eternally, what is left? Expanding; continually nonstop?

Santi kept asking about letters, so I showed him and wrote out his name for the little guy to copy, though he wanted me by his side, holding his hand, which was fine, nonetheless he moaned continually. And visions consistently emerged, almost to the point I could hardly do anything. Now I was lying in bed again. Then I lifted myself up, touched Krishna's face, and lifted his chin.

"Show me your supreme power," I said.

"Are you ready?" he asked. I was quiet for a bit.

"Almost completely," I answered.

Again, I was interrupted. This time, I got more furious, wanting to pay attention to what was going, yet I couldn't fully do so. Continually I was interrupted as if having even a second to myself was too much to ask for.

"Why can't you just write? Write it down!" I yelled loudly. This scared Santi, so I walked to Sean's room, slammed the door, and sat until I calmed. Santi sniffed, cried, and wailed as he tried finishing writing his name. He was praised for his efforts. We made up, though he still had a few cards left to go. He was encouraged to complete his task. He refused; I got mad again. He wanted to sit on my lap to do it and I let him, but he whined, not wanting to do it, and took five minutes to pen one letter.

"Just do it!" I told him, and began to raise my voice once more.

"I can't!" he yelled, and I became angry, telling him to go to his room. He screamed and cried as he headed up to his bedroom saying I was 'mean'.

Rubbing my forehead with my eyes closed in frustration, realizing it was Valentines' Day, and astonished that it was despite the fact I had helped Santi with his Valentine's cards. Nonetheless, I thought nothing of this; as if it wasn't even here, as there was no perception in me. Things could be directly in front of my face, and I had no thoughts or label for them.

"Maybe I can give Krishna a Valentine's gift."

Momentarily, I stood under the sky at night. There was nothing in the air; it was completely empty. Krishna came.

"I have a surprise for you," I said, and lit up the whole sky with blinking golden stars with heart shapes everywhere. He looked up smiling, as I was giddy, turning my hip back and forth like a teenage girl - biting my lips, blushing, and hoping he really liked it. Then I wondered what he was going to give me.

He lit the entire universe. The ground and everywhere gleamed, glistened, shimmered, and shone with golden stars big and small, as well as golden rings and love symbols flying and circling the whole atmosphere. My mouth dropped, speechless.

I can't beat that.

Suddenly we were in a room with golden mirrors, similar to a dance room. The golden rings, circling around about chest level as I admired them.

"How do you like that, Krishna?" he asked.

"I love it!" I replied, beaming.

He then sat in meditation, and I went to sit in front of him, meditating.

"Show me your ultimate power, my love," I said again.

"Are you ready?" he asked.

"I'm ready almost completely."

Soon, I glowed into a golden light, and as it kept growing bigger, my form gradually faded. My legs, hands, arms, and face disappeared into nothing as the golden energy expanded within me until my physical body completely vanished. Immediately, I became all golden light. Without my form, I was there unseen and was conscious of everything and anything. In disbelief, I wanted to cry, stunned while the complete, immaculate and unspeakable energy of love flowed through my entirety.

I'm consciousness itself; no one else, nothing else. The Source of all creation.

As absolute, undefinable love pouring within me, I said, "I never left. I never left. I'm always here. I never left. The Source of everything. I'm always here."

Afterwards, I was face down on the floor, ungrasp of who I was despite the fact that I knew, but now came to it, to be it; was entirely different than knowing it. I crawled to the corner of the room, slouching as the completeness of love inside streaming through not stopping; I sat shaking. Krishna walked in.

He bent down, lifted my chin, then asked, "Do you now know the Supreme power?"

He paused as I sat, speechless. "It's you! It has always been you, all along."

He got up about to leave, I grabbed his hand.

"Don't leave," I pleaded.

He lowered himself once more, touched my chin, and slowly said, "I never left."

Still surprised about what I came to, who I completely was, once I came out of meditation, though more relief. Eventually, I went upstairs to get Santi, so he could eat breakfast before dropping him off to school, and so I could apologize to him. Then I cheered him on, letting him know he could do it; he had done it many times. Once he finished, I commended him. While he ate, I wondered if my romance with Krishna had truly subsided. Quietly I walked to the living room and stared at his picture, hanging on the wall. My heart beat fast.

He's handsome. I still want him. Dang.

In the evening, I got ready to go jogging despite strong winds. Things were different. I'm unsure if I can explain, but the world I'd known now became almost unknown. It seemed as if I just appeared into the scene, as if I just came. I kept looking at the grounds, houses, and so on, along the way. Furthermore, I mused about how Krishna appeared everywhere when I first saw him, in water, clouds, grounds, and skies.

"Was it because I put him there; because I couldn't get enough? He was showing me what I did?"

After I took a shower, I lay in my bed and closed my eyes for just a bit. Krishna was lying on the floor in the golden mirror room, unconscious. The room caved in. I dove in front of his body and covered it with mine, not wanting anything to harm him. This also helped me realize the segment was coming to close. It broke my heart. Shortly he and I walked on gold holding hands. I opened my eyes.

### Chapter 8

I was able to sleep for a few hours, then got up to use the restroom. Not able to fall back rest, I processed what was going on, realizing I was no one at all; no one of significant, just consciousness itself. As I lay unmoved, energy of pure love ran through my veins, vessels and every inch of me, and I allowed this magnificence of undefinable love to overtake, as I absorbed every bit of it.

My effort to fall asleep didn't work, I was up until morning. Santi also got up early, needing to use the restroom.

"Okay," I replied, feeling sadness inside this time, and took him to the bathroom. He slept in my room because he was too scared to sleep by himself, although he slept on his own bed until he woke at night to come to mine. Sean slept downstairs because he had to get up for work. Also, he snored loudly, waking everyone up if they were sleeping close by.

As I listened, I felt deeply hollow. While Santi watched his favorite television shows, I was in tears, which I hadn't had for a long time. The romance with Krishna had come to complete love, so I cried over it. Not had I only needed to come to terms with this, but I also needed to come to accept with what I came to about myself, and let go of what I used to know.

I wanted to scream loudly, yet couldn't and didn't. Then I closed my eyes and found myself strolling hopelessly through the street market of Bangkok at night. About eight traditional dancers appeared, dressed neatly in blue silk skirts and peach silk shirts with their hair up in buns. They each held a silver cup with white flowers in their hands. Not knowing where to go, I followed them through the crowded market. There was a festival, and many people were heading that way. The dancers were in a hurry, I lost them, but found my way to the festivities, regardless.

Fireworks went off in the air made me miss Krishna deeply; so I broke down in tears of sadness, brokenhearted and lost. On the cement sidewalk, I plopped down unmoving due to the severe emotional pain inside and crying tears of despair. Once the festival was over, many people started leaving while I was flat on my face saying, "All that I am is consciousness. I am nothing else, no one else."

Now the relationship with Krishna was over, and there was nothing left but consciousness itself. Moments later, I slowly lifted my head as people strolled by.

They are just my consciousness.

Slowly, I crawled to a bench nearby, lying on it like a homeless person in a deep agony with nothing to go on. It seemed that I had to accept myself completely; I didn't quite know how, yet. Now Krishna was gone, and our romance had ended, and I wasn't sure how to come to handle this since I was still completely in love, although the energy of being 'head over heels' had dissipated.

The meditative scene changed. I found myself lay in the middle of an open area with sun shining on the same bench. In short time, someone riding on a white horse came towards my way. When she got closer, I saw she was me.

"Do you want to go somewhere?" she asked.

She didn't get an answer because I couldn't say; I was too heartbroken, helpless, and physically weak. She reached for my hand and gradually I reached out mine. She grabbed it, pulling me onto the horse. We rode. I put my arms around her, feeling a little comfort.

"There's no ending to anything," she said.

We arrived to a place of my childhood, with tall green grass and many big trees deep in the forest in Laos; we were in an open area in the middle of the two dense forests. The sun shone softly. It was a place where I'd gathered cows and buffalo before dark to get them home a couple times with older siblings (and plenty of times, by myself) a good distance from the village where I grew up. A couple of occasions, I got lost trying to find the animals when they scattered; however, I came back to the open space to track my way back.

Sometimes I didn't get home until dark, and would cry, following the buffalo and scared of dangerous animals and kidnapping; but mainly of ghosts (since my grandpa and older siblings often liked to share ghosts and spirits stories). If I gathered the animals around 3pm, I wouldn't make it home until dark or later.

One time, my older sister and brother waited by the cemetery near home, as it was really late. Everyone was ready to go to sleep, the animals dispersed and I couldn't herd them all, and had to search for them. The cemetery was the scariest place for me, after I'd heard many stories about it, and my late newborn sister was buried there, as well. Before passing it that night, I remembered sobbing hard, holding onto one of the buffaloes' tail. It was the night I stepped on a sharp torn, not owning a pair of shoes, although the moon shone beautifully.

One of them had to carry me back when they saw my foot bled. Despite being hurt, I didn't leave the animals behind, and walked on my heel or the side of my foot. When I got home, my grandma washed me, crying, thinking I'd gotten lost or was hurt worse than my foot. She scolded my older siblings for leaving me alone.

Oddly, I had been in the middle of the forest countless times, in meditation or when I closed my eyes periodically throughout my life, that I'd made a place to relax, although I wasn't sure why she had brought me here. Was it to cheer me up?

Then I saw myself about five or six years old, wearing a red dirty shirt and faced smeared with dirt, following the buffalo as we headed home and holding a stick in my hand to keep them in line.

While watching myself, I realized my own bravery at that age, and cried.

"You have always been courageous since I could remember. You have a tremendous amount of courage," I said, observing my younger self as I sobbed, recalling my own fearlessness as I couldn't even fathom it. "Look at you, taking buffalo home at such a young age on your own."

It started with this. This was how it all started?

A bench appeared; I went to sit on it. What now? I asked as tears rolled down my face.

"Play the flute," Krishna said when he showed up in midair, transparent.

A golden flute came to my hand; I played despite I was still down. Abruptly I stood on the side of a hut, watching my late grandpa sitting inside it, looking at the farm. I stopped playing and cried even more.

"Oh my God. It was inevitable! It was inevitable that I would come to this!"

Then I saw the tree not far from the farm hut. It was a tree under which I took shelter during a heavy storm with severe lightning one afternoon while out taking care of farm animals, again by myself. Although I was afraid of the lightning strikes flashing everywhere, I stood erect. The lightning could have struck me. It cut a green fruit on the ground not too far in half, and I couldn't remember where to go to keep from getting struck. So I went to stand next to the tree, then by its branches, and then stood in the open, realizing I could get struck at that moment, as I wasn't safe from it anywhere.

This was without question one of the causes of my anxieties, especially driving homes during severe storms. One late afternoon; I drove home from out of town, not knowing where to park my car to feel safe while the heaviest rain and windstorms came. Shivering and afraid, I sat inside the car, praying for safety. Even when I was home under my blanket, I trembled and felt fortunate that I wasn't blown away by the strong speed of the wind.

After watching the scene, I went to sit inside the open hut. My late grandfather vanished, and I played the flute. Many Krishnas showed up on the farm dancing and playing his instrument. The wind blew through the trees made me smile a bit inside, realizing he was always with me, ever since. Then I walked down to play. The wooden light poles emerged and were about to fall. I reached out my hand to hold them, before letting them go.

Momentarily, a young Indian woman strolled by, wearing a silk sari with nice jewelry on her arms, wrists, and hair. She was attractive, possibly in her teens. She carried a wooden water jar on her head. Now it seemed that I turned into Krishna. Within me was a masculine energy, even though I was in my own physical form. It brought a smile when I saw her, and followed her to the well.

Slowly, I began to remember she might be Radha, whom I didn't know, but had heard of her once or twice. She was Krishna's consort, when I looked up on the internet to learn more about who she was. Once we got to the well, she dropped a bucket to fetch water.

"I can get that for you," I told her, as I was Krishna. She smiled, watching me pour water into the jar.

"Thank you," she said, smiling.

"I will do anything for you, my love," I said then touched her face. What I said to her was similar to what Krishna had said to me.

Then we were in a room where Krishna and I were, when I became his wife. Everything was the same: the decorations and the garden outside. As I watched her, I reached out my hand to touch her face again, and cried as I began to remember I had done this. I had brought her here.

"I remember you. I remember you. I remember me," I said. I don't know if I can handle this.

Krishna had brought me here to help me remember that I was he; that I had done this; that I wasn't different from him. Nevertheless, I wasn't sure if I could accept or handle such a huge remembrance of who I was.

Abruptly I was back at the hut, crying and shouting, "I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I'm Krishna. I'm Krishna."

A white cow appeared, and I stroked its head, whispering, "I remember, I remember."

I opened my eyes, and dried my tears in disbelief of what I'd come to. Not wanting to get out of bed just yet, I shut my eyes again.

"I want to see Krishna," I said.

A Caucasian man with a mustache appeared, eating a hot dog, with the sun shining in an open area in the town where I lived.

"No: the blue God, Krishna," I said.

Everyone there who was shopping, eating, walking, and sitting turned blue, with golden crowns on their heads.

Everyone is Krishna. I can just walk down the street and kiss a man at a gas station and it wouldn't make any difference.

Eventually I got out of bed, went downstairs, glanced at Krishna's picture, and cried again, shaking, still in some sort of pain.

"I choose you. I will go to the end of the world for you. I choose you. I will gain full remembrance in this lifetime," I said, wiping my tears.

While drinking coffee, I contemplated on the meditation when I'd stopped the three-headed snake, and remembered that Krishna had done this, as well. Now I was led to the same thing he did, since I was he, though this time differently; which was unbelievable. Daily I noticed within me, there was nothing else except complete love, which was what also stopped the serpent.

My ultimate power is love.

The energy inside gradually became overwhelming that morning due to what I'd come to, that I wasn't anything but consciousness itself, and accepting more of who I was.

"I can handle it. I can handle it," I said, trembling a bit; then went to sit at the corner of the kitchen, holding my chest. A vision of myself as Krishna walked to where I sat in the golden mirror room, slouching in disbelief and filled with love. I, as Krishna, bent down to ask myself: "Do you know the supreme power now?"

"Yes," I answered. He got up, heading out of the room.

"You have no idea," he said.

Once Santi was in school, I came home to relax, drained from the ongoing meditations and remembrance, as well as a lack of sleep. I began working on finishing my second memoir.

### Chapter 9

Closing my eyes, I found myself in the room in ancient Rome where I lay on the bed with Krishna by my side.

"I love you," he said, touching my face, which he never said before. "There's nothing I wouldn't do for you."

"I love you, too, my love," I said.

He was in his late teens or early twenties. I took out a flute and was about to play. He quickly grabbed the music instrument from my hand and flew through the ceiling. I went right after, asking him to give it back and chased him around the clouds, playing. When I almost got it back, he got away again.

"Get your own!" I shouted.

Then I stopped chasing, lay on air, and got myself another flute. Immediately once I played, I turned into the same form as he, with blue skin and a peacock feather tied with a hairband around my head. Gradually, I wasn't as afraid to accept him as myself. He came, saw me in his form, and smiled, though I switched back to my own form. Then I made endless golden flutes appear in different shapes and sizes.

"For me?" he asked.

"For you, my love," I said.

An open door appeared in front of us. I went in, and he closed it. It turned out to be a wooden box. I was locked inside the square wood. Someone picked it up, put it in a back of a moving truck, and drove off. Shortly, another version of myself appeared, standing next to him and watching as I was being driven away on a highway.

"What happened?" she asked.

"She's going away for a bit," he answered.

"You can't do that to her!" she shouted. "Go get her!"

"She'll be back," he said. "Her love is too strong."

"How long will she be gone?" she continued.

"Not long at all," he replied.

After their conversations, I tried getting out of the wooden container.

"Krishna! Come and get me!" I shouted.

I waited for a bit; however, he didn't come and the truck drove farther distance. At this point, I couldn't believe what he was doing.

"Krishna! Don't do this! Does this make my love stronger?" I shouted, and broke out of the box, flew out of the truck, and took myself to where he was. He was far up above the clouds, in a place where I had been. It was a garden; a sanctuary I'd made for myself, with a white gazebo, canopy white bed, and white swing, looking down at Earth.

However, he was on the swing with Radha, playing his flute for her; he wasn't young Krishna anymore. He was older: possibly in his mid to late twenties. He wore golden garments and a golden crown, and his skin wasn't blue, but light. Radha wore her Goddess golden shimmering sari with beautiful jewelry on her nose, arms, wrists, and hair while I wore my gray pajama pants with a black sweat shirt over a white tee-shirt, and my hair up in a messy bun, feeling jealous.

"Don't do this!" I told him. "You're already my supreme love."

They glanced at me, then looked each other smiling. Quickly, I went to sit in between them, trying to squeeze Radha out of the swing by scooting to her side so she could fall off. When she made room, I kept moving over, until there wasn't any space for her. She finally got up and left, although he went with her; which of course made me a bit sad, sitting on the swing alone.

While touring the garden, I saw him sitting on the throne while other Gods stood looking at him. Similar to before, I confessed my unshaken and undying love to him in front of all the Gods, telling him he was my supreme love and I would do anything for him.

Supreme love? I realized that I had ascended higher, since Krishna was now an adult. Then, I flew to his throne. It fell backward. We were on the grass, rolling around.

"Don't do this again," I told him before we kissed; then made love. Later, we sat on the swing, looking at Earth. We saw many of his devotees singing, praising, and praying to him.

"Aren't you going to help them?" I asked. He made the wind blow, brushing against the trees. Some of the devotees saw it.

"They can lead themselves to me. Then I will guide, lead, and help them," he said.

They are Gods themselves.

"Take me higher," I said to him.

"This is the highest you can go," he answered.

"Highest I can go? I want limitless! Until there is no point! Limitless is what I want!" I said loudly, disappointed with his response.

"Can you handle it?" he asked.

Intently I looked at him, touched his chin and said, "Try me!"

Then I opened my eyes, and came out of meditation. It seemed my patience was tested, being exhausted and all. When Santi didn't listen, I would yell at him and at Sean. Many changes happened, and the visions were ongoing night and day, minute in and minute out. The energy inside me churned again.

Once more, my world had been turned upside down. Santi was watching his TV shows, I tried to nap and couldn't, although I hadn't had much sleep. I lay on my bed listening to music, instead. Some of the lyrics from the songs fit perfectly with my situation. When the words of the songs were repeated, energy swirled even more, turning, as I was both scared, still hurt from the changes of the relationship with Krishna, and wasn't quite sure how to handle all the transformations occurring. It got overwhelming, so I held myself, rocking back and forth as energy turned intensely. It seemed as though everything was coming to an end inside. The world I had known now changed to something else that I couldn't even describe. There was no doubt that I was on the 'other side' completely.

Since I wasn't going to able to sleep no matter how hard I tried, instead I wrote in the evening, near bedtime. It was rather hard to explain things in feelings and emotions because I felt and not felt them instantly all at once, as they couldn't be distinguished from each other, and couldn't be put into words. Even looking at my surroundings or what was in front of me, I didn't see them, despite everything was there as if I had no thoughts, perceptions, labels or ideas. It was as if they weren't even there. If they were, it was nothing more than consciousness itself.

### Chapter 10

Santi woke up early again. He watched his shows while I pondered on my romance with Krishna that was now turning into a mature relationship. Once I had accepted this more, I was better with it. Closing my eyes, I found myself walking into a big, modern hotel lounge with contemporary square lamps, chairs, sofas, and windows. An older Indian man was there, sat by himself on a couch, wearing modern fine clothing.

His hair was below his ears, neatly slicked back. No one was around. He was in his late sixties or early seventies. He saw me as I came close, but I couldn't physically recognize him even though I had a feeling he might be Krishna. It seemed he was waiting for me, but I was supposed to meet the younger him. I entered a room and saw the Divine God. He was older as well, in his forties and wore gold pants with a gold crown on his head.

This time I was comfortable and trusting of his love. We hugged and were about to kiss; however, I asked him to wait, and walked out of the room to go tell the old man Krishna to give me a moment.

"It won't take too long," I said. He was quiet. I went back to make love to Krishna. Then, I sat down, observing the old man carefully by looking at his skin, hair, and clothing as I wasn't yet comfortable with him. I had been with the younger Krishna for a long time, now.

"Krishna," I said.

"You're here," he remarked.

"Yes," I responded.

Suddenly the meditative scene switched to where I was with the younger Krishna in a different room, with a silver conveyor belt line moving. He took out a bag with white salt or gem stones (I wasn't sure) and poured them on the conveyor belt.

"What is it?" I asked. He didn't answer, so I picked up one and tasted it, although I didn't know what it was. Then I went to sit on the table on the other side, brought out a flute, and played. The old man came, talking to Krishna on the other side.

"You have brought her here," the old man said.

"She's here. She made it here," Krishna replied.

"It's tremendous to be here," the old man went on. It seemed as though I shouldn't be where I was, he wasn't fond, or didn't think I deserve to be there. As I played my instrument, I listened to their conversations.

"Give her a chance," Krishna said. "Don't trick her, and give her a chance."

"It's a lot to be here," said the old man.

"Give her a chance," Krishna repeated. "Is she in good hands?"

"I will give her a chance," responded the old man. He paused, watching me. "After all, she's my one and only love."

Slowly I stopped playing, touched by his affection and looked at him softly. Shortly, I sat in front of the old man at the lounge. We didn't say a word to each other while I continued observing him, not yet relaxed in his presence.

The meditation scene changed to where I was with Krishna. He was much older, but he was still Krishna, so it took just a bit to get comfortable. His hair was longer, curlier, and darker. His body was manlier, not soft and lean like before, and he wore a bigger golden crown. We walked on the ocean and our feet didn't get wet. I lifted water to splash it, though he absorbed the whole ocean in his hand into the tiny crystal ball; then gave it to me. It made me smile inside; however, I let out the water. It went back to being an ocean. Momentarily, I made a garden of yellow flowers appear on shore. He went to pick those flowers and gave them to me.

We walked on the ocean again. Swiftly, I shot up in the air, then raised the whole blue sea up to the sky and caused parts of water to shoot up like fountains from there. I beamed witnessing the spectacular view, but Krishna brought it back down to an ocean, again.

"Dude!" I said.

Suddenly we were back to where we'd traded Valentine's gifts. The entire universe shined and shimmered with stars when I lit it, leaving the ground golden. It was as good as how he did it. He added white silver stars in the galaxy, besides gold. Seconds later, I raised up in the air, making red and other colored stars appear, adding to what was there.

"You're getting more powerful, my love," he said when I came down. I grinned.

Then I was back facing the old man. While he looked at me, he changed the hotel into a completely different style. The chairs, walls, ceilings, and everything else quickly transformed into silver. It was as though it was a different hotel, once he finished.

It's my turn.

Immediately, I transformed the hotel into almost how it had been before. The walls, ceilings, floors, chairs, and couches changed to modern-style wood, but the glass window wouldn't cooperate. It was stuck, so I glanced at it and tried to break the glass while facing the old man. Yet, my attempt didn't do anything.

What the heck? I was so good just now, with Krishna. Now I couldn't even transform a hotel lounge?

To examine what was going on, I got up walking towards the window. Nonetheless, I couldn't decipher anything, then came back and sat in front of the old man.

He leaned forward and said, "You know nothing."

Again, I glanced at the clear glass and didn't understand why it didn't change. Did a thought come in? Suddenly a plastic drape hung in front of it, and I understood immediately.

"Kill me!" I told him.

"To die and be reborn," he said.

He was about to head out; I stood up and said, "You're right. I know nothing. It's why I'm all the way back at the beginning. Show me, guide me, lead me! I want to be with you completely!"

Unsure of how else I was going to convince him other than pleading; he kept walking away.

"My love," I said.

He stopped a bit before he went through the window, as if it wasn't even there.

Dang. That didn't work. It worked with younger Krishna.

I followed him out by going through the clear glass window. He sat on the bench. I went to sit next to him, looking at cafes, bookstores, and restaurants in a downtown street somewhere. As I sat quietly observing his old, wrinkly, aged hand with dark spots, I gently touched and held it.

"I want to grow old together," I said. He got up, walking away. Knowing what I had to do, I went back to the hotel lounge.

"Death!" I yelled. Death showed up with two dogs, wearing his black outfit and carrying a scythe, I was nailed to the wall.

"Kill me!" I shouted.

He sliced my form in half. Briefly, I stepped out of my physical body, transparent and headed towards the bench. Since the old man wasn't there, I walked the street, observing the surrounding, before reaching out my hand to dissipate the whole town into nothing. The cafes, sidewalks, bookstores, and anything in the area vanished into thin air. Then, I encountered the old man standing with nothing around us; just energy.

"You're determined!" he said. I smiled inside.

Tell me about it.

I came out of meditation, and went downstairs to brew coffee. While drinking the sweet, rich java and viewing the yard, everything changed, though I couldn't elaborate such in words. However, I noticed when I stared at the knobs on my dresser. They'd faded much longer. The thing was: I often sit idly, blankly and mindlessly, in my room; with no thoughts of pretty much anything. If there were thoughts, they didn't stick and were gone like air, as if they weren't even there.

With just a few hours of sleep, I was more refreshed, and didn't yell at Santi as much when he acted out. We played together with his cars, and he was happy. As many changes occurred within me, as well as trying to understand them, process, and pay attention to the ongoing visions, I didn't give much one-on-one time to Santi, except to tell him what he needed to do before school. In addition, I just finished the Road to Nirvana. It was ready to be formatted into an ebook.

In meditation, Krishna rode on the chariot like he was with Arjuna (according to the internet, Arjuna was one of the heroes, the great archer in an Indian epic \- The Mahabharata, along with Krishna), with two white horses. However, another scene of a bulldozer, dump trucks, and other construction vehicles surfaced at the same time. Wondering what was going on, I went into the scene at the construction site. Krishna came, watching the construction with me.

"When you let go of this, you'll be completely new," he said.

"I'm letting it all go," I said.

The work trucks started to dig, smashing down light poles then a big machine pushed dirt off to the side, creating a fresh area for new things. Then the meditation changed: I ascended steps inside a building.

A deity appeared; however, I wasn't too sure who he was, at first. Inside, there were stone steps with green plants and fountains on both sides. His face was a bit silvery, with long black hair down to his neck. He was muscular and wore a blue/silver cape. Despite the fact that he looked a bit familiar, yet I couldn't tell who he was. He was a handsome God indeed. He sat on a throne then a trishul appeared in his hand, as I already headed down a couple steps.

"Shiva!" I said turning back. He grabbed my hand and asked me to come back up, informing he was going to crown me. I hesitated.

"No," I told him. "I don't need it."

He put the crown on my head; it was too big, falling down my neck.

"It doesn't fit," I said, taking it off.

He then turned into a gray stone statue as I walked out of the building; the whole place shortly collapsed. Soon I was with an old man, but it wasn't Krishna anymore: it was an author I knew and had read a couple of his books, though his name was Krishna. His hair was white and he was in his seventies. We were at a hall, playing chess. He took out a cigar and smoked it. I grabbed a cigar from his hand and took a puff. Suddenly we were on the road at night. However, he was dying and about to fall, though I asked him to hang on, and held his hands. Brand new, tall, modern light poles appeared; however, before he left his form, he knocked down one light pole. It fell on other ones, causing all to collapse.

"No!" I shouted, not understanding what was happening. Krishna showed up, standing in the air; he was muscular to the point that I wasn't sure if it was him. He reassured that it was okay because new light poles would be bigger.

"Krishna!" I yelled as the old man was leaving his physical body.

"I'm not Krishna," he replied; then vanished.

Sunset began. Not knowing what was going on, I headed toward that direction. Santi showed up, standing on a rock as the sun bounced off him. Once I got to where he was, I lifted him up to my shoulder and we headed towards beautiful red/orange sundown. Sean came, carrying a radio flyer.

I came out of meditation confused since I was all over with the changes transpiring, causing me to feel down.

Where was the old man Krishna? Why didn't he show up? Does this mean I wasn't qualified?

Now the energy began to swirl inside much more. It seemed I couldn't really truly comprehend what was happening while going through it. Later in the evening, I decided to exercise on an elliptical machine instead of going for a jog, due to strong winds outside. Sean and Santi weren't home from running errands. Once I got out of a shower, I went to lie down on my bed and thought about how I completely wanted to be fully conscious, and wondered how many times and in how many ways would I have to come to myself in order to fully remember. It was truly in the depth of me, to where I almost broke down in tears.

Although I was close to Krishna, it seemed there was still distance between us. All the songs played on the radio or on CD became about him and I, even though I wasn't yet completely one with him and was unsure of how much further I had left to go. While tossing and turning, a vision surfaced.

A golden yellow light emerged. I made my way to it. It took me to a tent where Shiva sat in meditation with golden energy around him.

"Tell me what you want from me, my love," I said, sitting in front of the God of Destroyer in meditation.

"Do you want to go to Krishna?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered.

"You have my blessings. Go to him," he said. His love touched me.

"I am," I replied. "Thank you so deeply for your love. I could never ask for such love as you have for me."

I got up to leave, three Deaths showed up with scythes in their hands.

"No! No! No! You can't kill him! No! He will turn to into stone!" I shouted. "I can't allow them to kill him."

Deaths took steps toward Shiva.

"No. No. No. He will turn into stone," I kept saying.

Shiva turned into gray stone. The Deaths left. I walked out of the tent, heading elsewhere, and came into a hall where there were many Krishnas in golden clothes with golden crowns on their heads. At least ten of them stood on each side. Ahead was an empty gray stone throne. With my pajamas on and hair tied up in a bun, I approached to sit on it. Krishna entered the room, taking steps my way. I smiled.

"Krishna!" I shouted, asking him to come to me. He got closer to the throne, yet he went to stand on the side like the rest before they all bowed.

"Krishna!" they all said together, which nearly put me in tears, as I was deeply moved and in disbelief.

"Come to me, my love," I said.

He came and sat briefly; then they all disappeared and I was by myself on the throne, touched.

"There's only one," I said.

Later, I soared with Krishna in the atmosphere above the people as they strolled at night. They were blue men, women, and children. Beaming inside as I watched them.

### Chapter 11

In the next meditation, I was on a deserted land again. This time there were big bulls around. A few more appeared. Some of the bulls walked on four legs and others with two legs. A couple of them were at least twelve to fifteen feet tall.

What is this? This can't be Hell.

A building appeared. I headed towards that direction, opened the door and went in. In front was a sliding door. It opened itself until many more doors opened, one after another: at least a thousand doors. Since it was far, I flew ahead, then walked down a dim hall with energy flowing everywhere. On the right corners were statues of Shiva.

What's going on?

Unsure of why I saw Shiva after I thought I had moved on from him, so I was a bit reluctant to continue, yet kept going, to see the end of it. I came across a metal platinum tube hanging on my right. I stopped, opened it, and energy in a platinum color sprung out. I was enchanted. The energy floated up in the air like lighting bugs while I was captivated by it.

Was this what I came here for, to release this?

Continuing down the hall, somehow, I realized it was the center of Aum. Suddenly, a door appeared. After I opened it, I entered into a big room where a rock concert was happening. People jumped up and down, dancing while their hands were up in the air and swinging their hair. Unsure of where to go, I scanned the area, and went behind the stage and saw a regular door. I opened it and went in.

Another door was in front of me; I opened it and another appeared. After opening at least a hundred or more doors, I found myself strolling down the hall again, and sang what instantly emerged: "Om, Om."

I came upon an elevator. It took me lower before it let me out. It looked as though I was in deep level of my subconscious. Suddenly, a wormhole emerged, and I dove into the hole. It kept going lower. The energy of the portal was jade; dark green mixed with gold.

As I delved deeper, like going down a well, I said, "Oh my gosh!"

At this point, I wasn't sure how much deeper I could go, so I chanted "Om" a couple more times, a bit afraid as I traveled even lower. Finally, I came into another room where a green jade Buddha statue sat; it seemed alive.

Aum has to be here somewhere.

Another rock concert was going on as I made my way to the statue. People jumped, danced, and swung their arms and hair as the band played. A big, gigantic astral bull walked in, stepping on some people and then it faded. They got back up and went on dancing. Hoping I might have answers as I got closer to the statue, but it turned into gray stone Buddha figure, instead.

What's this?

I searched the statue's lap that was full of dead leaves and found about a thousand keys in one key chain, as well as a meditation bead. With the keys and the bead in my hand, I headed toward the back door behind the stage. Once I entered this door, I was somewhere that looked like an underground subway train station. An escalator appeared. I stepped on it. It took me up to another hallway.

"You'll never find the treasure!" I heard.

This made me realize that I'd come here for something precious. The hallway was long and dark, and the ceiling was lower than normal though I continued, wanting to know where the chest was, as I held a thousand keys in my hand. I came to the end, but couldn't find the chest anywhere.

"It has to be here somewhere. This is a dead end."

After a lengthy search, I saw something similar to a chest. It was inside the wall: only a front part of it showed. It had camouflaged itself with the brown brick, which made it hard to see what it truly was. Fortunately, there was a keyhole. I began to use one of the many keys; and then another and another and another.

"Maybe this one," I said, and tried using it, though it didn't work. "No. This one."

On and on and on, I kept going. After a period of time of using almost every key and none worked. I was getting exhausted. Then I stuck my head up above the ground and saw bulls walking. To see if I could get some sort of a clue, a hint: something, anything, to unlock the chest, I went up. The big, giant bull looked at me and smiled mischievously.

"You'll never find the treasure," it said.

A big image of Shiva surfaced in the clouds. After I couldn't get any help, I went back down and used some other keys that maybe I hadn't yet tried. Without success, I searched around the area and dug into the dirt with my hands, making holes here and there, then everywhere, as well as searching under dead leaves. I became more exhausted. My face and shirt were smeared with dirt and my hair was all over the place. I almost gave up.

Again, I stuck my head up. Now I was at an elegant bar with dim lights, playing a piano and wearing a sophisticated black dress with my hair up neatly. An older Caucasian gentleman with a white beard dressed in a white tuxedo, in his late sixties, watched, listened, and drank champagne. He was about to leave after he finished his drink, I asked: "Will she find it?"

"She's close," he answered. He took a couple of steps forward.

"Will she find it?" I asked.

"She needs to keep going," he replied.

Keep going.

Momentarily, I was back, making attempts to go through more keys along with ones I had already tried a few times; to get the chest unlock. Once more, I became fatigued, lying flat on the floor; then searched to see if there were other keys in the area by digging into more dirt and looking under the leaves, and saw keys I had used. Again and again and again, I tried.

"Shiva! Help!" I finally shouted.

He immediately came. He wasn't porcelain white, but light brown clay skin tone. He found keys on the ground and handed them to me. They were of no good. He got another one in his hand.

"Try this," he suggested. It was fruitless.

"You need to keep going," he said when he witnessed me sit still, blank and sluggish, against the wall as if there was no point, truly drained from the endless efforts. On top of this, I had probably used those thousand keys numerous times. Then I lay on the ground, stone-faced, before staring at a ceiling where I saw a silver metal key taped to it, and grabbed it.

"There's a key! This has to be the one. It has to be!" I said.

Slowly I pushed this key into the keyhole and the chest finally opened. There was a silver metal tube and couple of other things I wasn't sure about. We came out to the open. I uncovered the tube. In it was gold liquid, so I poured it.

"It's liquid money," I heard a voice of the old gentleman with the white beard.

Once I drained it all out, I walked, not knowing what the heck was going on, and getting a bit anxious. Together, I rubbed my hands with a meditation bead.

"Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh. What's going on?" I said, pressing my hands and rubbing them faster. Then I chanted, "Om, Om" as it readily emerged. I proceeded walking in the deserted land; there were a couple of light poles and maybe a building somewhere in vicinity (although I wasn't sure). A Buddhist monk showed up, and I made a bow.

"Lord Buddha" I said.

"Lord Buddha," he said with a bow.

I stopped rubbing my hands. The monk walked with me, and I chanted again, "Om, Om." The monk joined in. We strolled, chanting. Shiva appeared, sitting in front of us in meditation pose high up in the clouds. He was big and almost took up the whole sky. I flew to sit next to him, and sat in meditation. He disappeared, and now it was me sitting as Shiva, the Destroyer.

"I'm Shiva," I whispered, accepting myself as he, much more than before.

I went back to join the monk, and we kept on chanting. Shortly, the meditation scene switched. Now I entered into the semi dark room of a building and found Shiva sitting in a chair.

"My love," I said, and bowed. Despite I had accepted myself as he than before, yet there was hesitancy to see him, and wondered why he often showed up as I figured I'd already moved forward from him.

The back of the room was lighted. I headed that way, saw stairs, and ascended them. While going upward, another scene appeared of myself admiring different paintings placed by the window in a modern high rise tower. As she (I) examined the arts, I arrived to where she was.

"Hi," I greeted my other self. She grinned then went to the back of a condo, to a big empty room with a big window. She came back.

"Do you want to go higher?" she asked.

"Yes," I responded with a smile.

We walked around, but there were no stairs for us to ascend.

"Okay," I commented as we circled, searching for a way up. Stairs shortly emerged. She immediately grabbed my hands and we headed up together. We made it to the rooftop, my physical form gradually faded until it was completely gone. Now I wasn't able to be seen anywhere. There was no trace of my physical body; only clear, invisible energy expanding to where I was this whole cosmic consciousness itself.

Immediately nearly in tears, as I sat as the universe which couldn't be seen as I was invisible, though everything was inside me. In disbelief, I said, "I'm Aum! I'm Aum." I paused, wanting to cry. "Aum is me, all along. Aum is me, all along. Aum is me, all along."

As I continued saying this over and over, I heard chants from the Buddhist monk and the other version of myself as they were on the ground: "Om, Om."

"Aum is me, all along. Aum is me, all along," I said.

"Om, Om," they chanted.

"Aum is me, all along. Aum is me, all along," I said.

"Om, Om," they continued.

"Aum is me, all along. Aum is me, all along," I said.

An airplane arrived, and steps appeared through the clouds. Resuming my physical form, I got up to walk the stairs, to board. Blue baby Krishna appeared on my hip; I carried him in my arms. Inside, a couple of versions of myself as pilots greeted us while I let baby Krishna crawl in the aisle.

"Let's take off!" I shouted. The pilot started the plane and hit the gears, the aircraft wobbled, as if something were wrong with it. As they checked, I waited.

"Here we go again," I remarked, grabbing the baby and went to a different airplane. No surprise, it didn't go anywhere. The baby vanished. Then I spied a jet and flew towards it.

"Danger!" I heard; I boarded it nonetheless. It got up to midair before exploding into pieces with smoke and fire, as I shot out of it into the air.

"Dang!" I said.

Then I scanned the area, and saw all the aircrafts parked realizing at the moment, that none were going to work. Suddenly I witnessed gray wooden light poles and recognized I had been here before, where I called Brahma, the Creator, when I was in similar situation.

"Brahma! Brahma! Let's go!" I shouted, and waited. He didn't show, and thought he should be here by now.

"Brahma! Brahma!" I yelled.

A black helicopter came and landed. I got on. No one was there. I smiled at the nameless, the faceless, and the formless Brahma, and was touched, wanting to sob when he showed up. The helicopter ascended, yet again similar to before, it was suspended in the air.

"Come on! Cut the strings!" I shouted in frustration. There were no strings.

"Brahma!" I yelled for him to take me up, but the helicopter was in the air and was slightly shaky. It wasn't going up or down. Stone stairs surfaced through the clouds. I went up them. They were higher than normal. Once I made it up, another God waited, reaching his hand to grab mine. He wore a golden crown, had light, pale blue skin, and also wore fine golden garments; however, I wasn't sure who he was as I observed him. Abruptly, he had a gold disc spinning in his finger, I recognized him, sort of.

"Vishnu?" I said.

"You made it!" the God of Maintainer said.

Made it?

"It takes a lot to be here," he continued.

"Shiva has brought me here," I replied.

"He's a great helper," he commented.

"Very," I added.

The truth was: I wouldn't have known if he was Vishnu if I hadn't seen his pictures a few nights ago while searching for Krishna's photos to save them in my iPad folder. When I saw Vishnu's photographs, the first thing that came was: "Wow! He's handsome, too!"

Although he didn't appear with four arms, his golden disc helped me remember him as the God of Maintainer. As we walked on a metal surface down a hall to the other end, I chose to trail behind, observing as I wasn't comfortable with him like with Krishna. Vishnu had guided me when I went through the enlightenment process, but he wasn't in his Godly form. He was a big giant with a golden sword, at the time, and had chopped off my head to help me be calmer, putting me in a meditative state so I could work on myself.

Only a couple of minutes, I caught up and walked next to him. Somehow, I wanted to hold his hand; so I gently reached out to touch it before I held it, but didn't glance at him. Then I slowly turned to get a glimpse of his face, smiling inside. He switched to Krishna, then back to himself. It made me beam, and soon enough I became very comfortable. I went in front of him, smiling, and spun around as he walked, as if I was flirting. Then I held his hands before holding onto his arms.

I opened my eyes from meditation, and headed downstairs to prepare morning coffee. Santi didn't feel good that night and threw up close to morning, he slept in a bit. We had plans to go to the park and meet up with friends so he could play at the playgrounds and ride his bike. Although it was winter, the weather was over 60 degrees Fahrenheit.

While he played with his friend, I observed him and the people there. Now it seemed that there weren't human beings, but God.

This is God's world. It is all that there is.

A vision of a storm emerged while I sat on a bench at a park. Vishnu and I kept walking ahead. He said not to worry because that segment was coming to an end. Santi called. I went to see what he needed.

With a few minutes alone, a vision of folding hands in the clouds came. Lao-tsu (an ancient Chinese philosopher and founder of Tao-ism) showed up. His presence almost put me in tears as I was deeply happy to see him.

"God," he said, and bowed.

"My beloved. My beloved. I miss you," I said. Many of him surfaced, filling almost the entire open area then many Buddhas came, and they all bowed.

"God, God," they all said together as I sat on a big gray stone throne.

"I couldn't have done it without you. I couldn't have done it without you, my beloved. I couldn't have done it without you, my beloved," I said, truly touched.

Then I got up and went down the aisle toward a golden throne on the other side. Once I'd sat on it, I came down to sit on a golden seat with red seams carried by a few men. Strangely another version of myself above the clouds appeared, eating an apple and wearing a black and white colored sweater, handed me the fruit after she took a couple of bites.

"Thanks!" I said, and ate the green, crunchy apple.

The scene switched to where I was up in the clouds, the place that was my sanctuary, lying and relaxing on a long seat, being fanned with a long fan. About five versions of Lao-tsu were present, and one of him watched as I relaxed. Vishnu showed up briefly, and left. Krishna came, looking exactly like a picture on the wall I had of him; completely handsome. My eyes were fixed on him, mesmerized, stared without blinking, and couldn't turn away for even a moment despite the fact that Lao-tsu was there; whom I hadn't seen for so long.

Dang. I still want him.

He left. I was able to talk to Lao-tsu again. We sat on the edge of a mountain, and I asked the elderly philosopher with white beard and hair to help me write. A pen and paper came to my hand.

"Start from the beginning," he said.

He didn't mean for me to write about my enlightenment again, does he? No, he meant something else.

Then I wrote, "The beginning."

I glanced at what was written.

I'm already at the beginning.

"Go deeper," he said as he was fading.

Deeper? How deep can I possibly go? That means I need to find Vishnu.

"Yes," he responded then completely vanished.

### Part II: Aum

### The Maintainer

### The Creator

### The Romance with the Gods

### Marriages

### The Trinity

### Buddha Heart

### The Unborn

### Chapter 12

A vision of Vishnu and I making love in a room came. In the midst of love making, green/jade mixed with gold energy flowed everywhere, filling the space. Making love with him was truly passionate and loving, I even blurted out that he was wonderful. Making love with Krishna was completely gentle, warm, and romantic with complete utmost love and devotion. He was indeed a Divine Lover.

Quickly the mediation scene changed: I coughed outside the room and threw up rice and water; nothing much. The God of Maintainer and the Divine Lover came to watch. Vishnu informed I needed to throw up what I didn't want and leave nothing of it. He then told Krishna to take care of me, and left. Krishna put a clear glass of water on a table, then left. I drank it, it was refreshing and cleansing. I could see sparkling, purest, immaculate water making its way from my throat to my stomach.

I went back in, but entered into a big bathroom instead. I was asked to lie on a table and the God of Maintainer began to dissect my body, similar to what had been done, when I went through enlightenment. Blood dripped.

"Let her bleed out until she can't anymore," he told Krishna, who watched.

Later, I was inside the tub. There was some blood in the water, and soon witnessed my body turned pale as my hair fell off. Parts of my head were already bald. In my hand, though, I held a doll with olive skin that had many layers; so I peeled them off. The figurine kept getting smaller and thinner as I continued stripping away layers until there was nothing left. This brought a realization with what the Gods were doing, although I was a bit anxious as the process continued.

"She's got to be as pure as possible. Not just pure; but purest. It's the only way," he said to Krishna.

The only way?

The process was fast, unlike before. It had taken days and now was just a couple minutes, which meant the conditions weren't deep: there wasn't much work to do, only of what was left.

As Krishna washed me in the tub, I noticed I kept getting thinner like I had been starved for months: my head had only few strands of hair. My body was sunken as if they were no inner organs contained in it, to where number of bones could be counted. Once I was completely without hair and my body became completely tinny, they told me to take a shower. However, while showering, my body gradually looked different. My hair grew back lush and fresh. I became young and beautiful; possibly in my late teens.

Then we were back in the same room. Vishnu walked out. After going through an ordeal which incurred some anxieties, I wanted Krishna's affection although Vishnu told us to follow him.

Our energies were in union with one another in the mist of making love. The energies were green jade mixed with gold and little bit of blue. Then I got on top of Krishna and went inside him as he: he turned sideways, curling up as he felt the intense energy.

"That's like me!" I said. Whatever I endured, he went through it as well; there was no difference.

"When you guys are ready, let's go!" Vishnu shouted outside the room.

Krishna got up from the bed, though I pulled him back down.

"Let's make love one more time," I said. It seemed I was buying time, not completely ready after we had just worked on me. He was a bit hesitant; nonetheless, we made love again. Sometimes I would tell Krishna he was "My God."

Afterwards, we followed Vishnu. Since it was a nonstop process of remembering and continual transformation, I was getting tired and needed rest; somehow these two wouldn't stop. Krishna and I followed Vishnu and, no kidding, he let out a fart.

"What the fuck!" I said loudly, as green energy came out. "Oh my God. Unbelievable!"

However, instantly I understood what was going on. I was back at the beginning, remembering how it all started. What began here never ended. Then I hopped on Krishna's back. Our love was much more comfortable. He would fall for everything: what I did or didn't do, he would fall hopelessly. More and more, it looked as though he and I were becoming one. I went in front of him, and hopped into his arms.

"She's got you wrapped around her finger, Krishna," said Vishnu, as he was ahead of us. "You are a fool, Krishna."

We walked into space - the empty universe. There wasn't anything there except my station, looking at television screens with videos of singers I knew. We floated. Vishnu gave me an arrow to shoot through coin holes that lined up almost endlessly when we stood on air. My arrow hit almost all of them, but not quiet, and the arrow came back with stringing coins that wrapped around me.

What the heck?

I came out of it by turning clear and formless. Vishnu shot the arrow, hitting every single one just like a blink of an eye; and on top of it, no string circle back to tie around him.

"Give me minutes. A few days off," I told them because the process was continuous.

I came out of meditation, and got ready to go jogging. Similarly, when I observed the surroundings, there was nothing but God. The changes were rapid and quick. During my jog, I touched the tree. Its branches and grounds overfilled with love.

"My love, my beloved, my beloved. I love you."

Moreover, as I reflected on the relationships with Vishnu, Krishna, and Shiva and realizing they weren't any different than our day-to-day lives.

"There's no difference at all. Not one bit. It's one and the same. Eating, walking, farting, making love, talking is all just God, nothing more."

Now I wasn't just in God's world, but this myself: Aum. Once home, I looked at pictures hanging on the walls, sofas in the living room, chairs in the kitchen, and rugs underneath my feet, saying, "I'm all this. I'm all this. It has been me all along. I remember. I'm this."

Everything I did with the Gods was the same in physical world. There was no distinction or disconnection. It was just God. More and more when I inhaled, the room contracted; and when I exhaled, it expanded.

Before going to bed, visions surfaced of myself calling for Vishnu, though he was nowhere near. A trail appeared at night, with the moon shining. I followed it.

"She's coming to me," I heard him say.

It must be the longest track to walk before I came to a small cottage with light shone inside. Krishna and Vishnu were talking as though they were having drinks when I arrived. Instead of going to Vishnu, I grabbed Krishna's hand, took him out of the cottage, and kissed him, rolling on the grass under the moonlight.

"She's your wife, Krishna!" shouted Vishnu. I lay in Krishna's arms while Vishnu was inside, shaking the cottage. He was doing something, but I wasn't sure what. When I glanced at Krishna, he had tears.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"I need to leave for some time," he replied. He didn't say of the reason, but I understood he had brought me to Vishnu.

"You want me to go with him?" I asked as Vishnu shook the cottage uncontrollably. He came out of it, stretching his arms as though he'd just had a good workout and the cottage was his punching bag. He seems brutal.

"You have to leave for a while, Krishna," he said.

Krishna left, I found myself at the beach. Vishnu was in water. The boat sank and many men drowned. He carried at least four of them to shore; they were unconscious and weak. The men choked on water as they were about to die. Shiva immediately showed up about 5 feet away, he didn't say a word and just watched.

"You can either maintain them or destroy them by letting them die," he said. Not knowing what to do or how to preserve them, I sat quietly, as the men were near death. They died, shortly.

"You just destroyed them. You're good at that," he said. "Sustain them."

Moments later, I remembered how Vishnu had sustained me while I was completely emotionally down to where I wanted to commit suicide because inside was only pure hurt and pain, after I opened up repressed wounds from childhood I hadn't fully dealt with. He went inside my body, took out an old lightbulb and replaced with a new, shiny, fresh one. Immediately, I was revived.

One by one, I went inside their bodies, took out old ones and switched them with new light bulbs and polished ones that were still useful, and lighting them. Once I was done, the men started coughing, then lifted themselves. Krishna showed up in midair, observing.

"Not bad," the God of Maintainer said, walking away. "You got a good one, Krishna!"

During my sleep, I dreamt that Vishnu showed me how to maintain. In the dream, I told him I wasn't going to remember it when I woke up. There was so much.

Later, I searched for Krishna, though he wasn't anywhere to be found. Soon I located him in a room. He was sick, yet refused to take anything even tonic water. His temperature rose and he shivered. To absorb his illness with golden light, I put my hand over his body. He was getting better, but when I put green energy on him, he got sicker.

"Just use the golden light," he said.

Again with golden light, I absorbed his sickness but the illness energy formed in my hand. Since I didn't know what to do with it, I just observed the energy swirled in my palm. Then I got ill by it, throwing up all over. Krishna sucked the illness from me, turning it into golden light. Afterwards, we sat on the bed. Realizing I had to go to Vishnu, I put my arms around him. Krishna had sacrificed so much, which deeply moved me.

In the morning, I woke up early. Lying in bed not wanting to get up, I closed my eyes and found myself looking for Krishna. This time, he was nowhere in sight.

"Maybe I should go to Vishnu," I said, then yelled for him a few times until stone stairs appeared in the clouds. It was way up; higher than usual.

"She's coming to me now," I heard him say.

### Chapter 13

The way to Vishnu was indeed magnificent, in many respects. The stairs were in the clear white clouds with the blue sky and soft sun shone, as if I was walking up to heaven to see where God resided. He sat in a long lounging chair with soft green grass underneath it, relaxing, being fanned by two ladies while other Gods sat in midair nearby. The place was way above everything. When I glanced down, I wasn't able to see mountains, valleys, or rivers.

One of the Goddesses was about to stop me, as I approached him.

"Leave her be. She's God, now," he told her.

While sitting by him, a shiny shell appeared; I picked it up, then blew into it. Shortly, I was on my knees in front of him as he was standing.

"Do you now know?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered. The Supreme One.

Then I was on my knees again, as he sat on a throne, realizing I was there to get all aspects of who I was: The Destroyer; now the Maintainer and then the Creator. I smiled, looking at him. He smiled back, realizing what I'd understood.

"I'm here completely," I said.

Soon he and I were on Earth; no one could see us. We were on a crowded street, with many people. It could be in India. An elderly wearing a sari made white flower rings I liked, placing them on the statue of a Hindu deity. I observed the flowers and what she was doing, in awe of how beautiful the flowers were on the statue's neck, hands, and arms.

It was probably one of Vishnu's devotees, despite the fact that I didn't take a good look to see which God she was paying respect to.

We ran the street, holding hands, laughing, and smiling like we were visitors. Vishnu took human form. He was tall, with lighter skin and hair, and wore a white shirt. We kept running, laughing and enjoying the market scene. He bought a meatball stick and ate it as we ran. I pulled him along.

"Is that good?" I asked. He didn't answer. Then it rained, wetting my entire body. Vishnu keenly observed, wanting to make love, so we kissed in a yard. He was on top. Suddenly he took out a meatball stick, stabbed my neck with it, and blood gushed out. I died; then came out of my form, transparent.

"Sorry about that," he said.

We went on, and I thought nothing of this. We kissed at an old temple. He wanted to marry. We fell in love. We got married as human beings. People came to put white/red garlands around our necks, congratulating us on our marriage.

Next, we were back up in his abode. He was God Vishnu again, wearing golden, shiny garments with a gold crown and gold bracelets on his arms. Meanwhile, I wore a golden, shiny sari with gold bracelets on my wrists, hair, nose, and face; like a bride. Many Gods came while he and I held hands, standing in front of them. One of the guests was Krishna. He was with Radha, but somehow I wasn't jealous nor did I have any feelings. I was clear, blank, and was in love with Vishnu.

"Congratulations," they all said.

Once the ceremony was over, the God of Maintainer and I sat on a seat together, smiling at each other. Krishna came to congratulate us. Vishnu thanked him.

"Thank you, my love," I said, looking at Krishna. Immediately at that moment, the love for him surged through quickly, to where I almost choked in tears. He was the only God I had said this to consistently ever since I was head over heels in love with him. He was a bit shaken by it, as well. He wiped a tear.

"You have to leave her alone, Krishna, if you want your wife to remember herself!" Vishnu said.

As I was getting ahold of myself, I said: "That's all I ever wanted."

"Yes," Krishna responded; then vanished.

Later, I found myself lying on a high rock, watching Earth and enjoying the sun shining on my face.

"Vishnu!" I heard suddenly.

"Yeah," I answered, and shot up incredibly fast that my landing shook the entire place. Vishnu wobbled as he sat on his relaxing couch. Rocks were falling and a big gray stone the size of a small mountain was about to drop, which would hurt some fishermen on their boats and the people down on Earth; I reached out my hand to grab the heavy, giant stone and sat it down gently.

Shortly, the meditative scene changed: we floated on air inside the universe, looking at nothing. Krishna was there, as well. Vishnu's golden disc spun around in my index finger. However, an image of myself popped up like a movie screen: I was opening a fridge to get a snack in an old, small, and cramped apartment with Sean. I stared into the universe, and saw Krishna, Vishnu, and myself watching, I rolled my eyes.

Sean sat at the table, browsing through a magazine of some sort while I complained about finding a new apartment. Even the fridge was ancient and rusty. The Gods watched us, making comments like they were watching a movie at a theatre. Sean made a finger gesture for them to disappear. Their forms did; however, they were there consciously as I sat in my form, watching Sean and I.

"Sean is powerful, but she controls him," one of them said.

"She's extraordinary," one of them added. After hearing the comment, I walked upstairs, unsure how I could come to my own power and strength. When I tried to see where I was next to Sean, I wasn't even close.

"She heard us," one of them said.

"Yes. She knows," another added.

"She's aware. She's conscious," one of them continued.

"All she needs to do is to unleash it. She's already Aum," one went on.

"How?" I asked.

"Follow us," one of them suggested. I glanced into the empty universe.

"They are just my consciousness," I said.

Then, I was with Vishnu. He gave an arrow for me to shoot, again. Unsure what I was shooting at this time, nevertheless once I shot it, the arrow circled back with a string, and wrapping around me very tightly.

"I can't breathe!" I yelled.

"You don't need to breathe!" he said. The thing was: I came to this before, when I went through black hole.

As I struggled for air, he said: "Turn into energy. Breathing is to be alive, and not breathing is to never be alive in the first place."

I came out of my form as clear energy before we were at the ocean. Vishnu told Krishna to push my head into the water so I couldn't breathe. While my head was held in, I absorbed the ocean with my hand and turned it into sand.

"Make the ocean to where she can't do that," he told Krishna.

"Fuck!" I said.

Krishna dipped my head down. I struggled, then absorbed the ocean again, but now my head was dipped in a big wooden bucket with some dirt and small plants floating in it. I blew the water away and tried to gasp for air. Shortly, I stopped resisting, curious to see what would happen, and stayed unmoving. He let me up.

"To breathe is to be alive, and to not breathe is never to be alive in the first place," Vishnu said again. To remember and understand, I repeated this but thought about asking Sean.

"Was this what Lao-tsu meant by going "deeper?"

When I peered outside drinking creamy coffee, I was one with everything even more. All was no other than myself, my own consciousness - as everything was there, I was there.

Later in the morning, I made the grocery list for Sean before he went grocery shopping.

"If Vishnu wants me, he will have all of me!" I said to myself. Immediately, a vision surfaced, where I stood behind him.

"I'm here completely and truly," I said.

You'll divorce Krishna? I heard from him.

He's kidding, right?

"I can't divorce him! I could never divorce myself! I'm incomplete without him! He's me. I'm Krishna! Just like I wouldn't be complete without you!"

"Man, she's good," he said.

Before going to bed, an image surfaced of myself in the room with Vishnu. We were making love; however, during it, he let me swallow a fish. It swam inside my stomach, eating little and tiny things.

"Let the fish eat out what's unnecessary," he said.

So I sat watching the fish swimming back and forth, gulping on small things in my tummy, like watching fish swimming in a fish tank eating flakes. An old, short man almost like a dwarf, with white hair, wearing a loin cloth, appeared. He had me open my mouth as he pulled out a fish bone that was long, like chain. Then, he went to talk to Vishnu in a different room, letting him know he'd gotten it all out.

"She needs to be prepared," he told the old man.

Hearing what he said brought an understanding with what was transpiring, although I wasn't certain what I was preparing myself for. Later, plenty of fish came out from my mouth, filling the floor, and I had to go to the lake to dump them all out so they could swim in water. Since fish was one of my favorite foods, I thought maybe I should cook them instead watching big and small ones swimming away.

Next, I went back to the room and witnessed hundreds of baby alligators crawling everywhere. He informed that something was haunting or was creeping up on me.

"Gather them and take them to the lake," he said.

When I came back, he was gone. I went to where he resided, no one was there. It was vacant; not a single soul lived there any longer.

Not knowing what to do, and unsure of what was going on, I sat on a tree watching the place, feeling sort of sad. I took out a flute to play. Radha showed up and came to sit on a tree with me. In some ways, it was like she wanted to be around so I wasn't alone with nowhere to go. It looked as though I was being tricked, not too sure how to elaborate this.

"You don't have a home," she commented.

"I never had one in the first place," I responded.

She climbed down from the tree and strolled. I trailed her. She had white lotus flowers in her hand, and dropped them. A couple seconds of observing the flowers on the ground, I picked up a few, and ate some. She disappeared. I went back to sit on a lush green tree, waiting for Vishnu, but he didn't show. I played my flute again, waiting.

"I can take myself up! If he's not here, then I can do it myself! I'm Aum!" I shouted.

A bow and arrows in a quiver appeared. I practiced shooting. The bow was longer and stronger than previous ones I'd used. Steps emerged above the clouds. I walked up them, soon there was none. I sat on the stairs looking at green grass with tall white pillars where he resided. It was done. Nothing was there any longer, time to move on.

However, during my sleep, I dreamt of myself as Shiva, Vishnu, and Krishna. The more I remembered and was conscious of who I truly was, the more comfortable and confident I became. In my dream I took myself much higher, which made me smile.

I woke up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, couldn't fall asleep right away. I closed my eyes trying to fall asleep, though Vishnu showed up, reaching for my hand.

"Let's go higher!" he said.

### Chapter 14

I held his hands. We ascended the stone stairs above the clouds, going higher than before. As we continued, I observed the gentle sun shining, brilliantly mixed with golden light and soft clouds. It was breathtaking, as I was very close, within reach looking at it. It seemed we were going to rest; there were no stairs to ascend. I kept observing how beautiful the sun, clouds, and sky were from where I was, sitting in front of them, as I never knew how magnificent it was to be up high; how calm and serene it truly was. Furthermore, I noticed in myself that I was much purer; there was completeness, as if there was nothing else but this itself.

A bow, arrows, and a quiver appeared. I practiced shooting; they didn't go far.

"What?" I said, truly surprised.

This time I was terrible at it; however, it wasn't a wooden bow and arrow like before, although I couldn't explain its looks. Nonetheless, I kept performing. The arrow went about ten feet in the distance on the second try. I continued not stopping; Vishnu came and showed how to use the bow and arrow, after watching. Even though I did what he demonstrated, but wasn't making any progress. I picked up another arrow to shoot. He stopped me. My hand swelled. He held it, and gently put white gauze around it.

Watching him care for my wound softened me. However, I went right back, picked up an arrow and bow; then shot. Again, the arrow didn't go anywhere. When I was about to grab another, he took my hand and led me away. He knew I would keep on until I made some sort of headway. He lay me down on his chest. I looked into his eyes while he touched my face before we kissed. Our love now was changing. While making love, I realized the completeness within myself, as it seemed I was getting even purer as we ascended higher. Lying in his arms, I noticed his love was pure and complete. It was as if I had never come across this kind of love before. I absorbed and melted myself in this unfathomable pure affection. A little later, I got up and went back to shooting arrows. He came and took my hand.

"Let's go higher," he said.

We went up. Now I was above the sun, observing its infinite rays reflecting far and wide, in awe. As I lay on my side with my hand supporting my head, I never truly realized how brilliant and absolute it was. Inside, I was pure and almost at my purest. A Buddha statue emerged in a dark copper tone through sun's rays. I closed my eyes in deep, complete love.

"My beloved. My beloved. My heart," I said then opened my eyes. The statue faded; but not too sure why I said: "My heart," to express what was inside.

"Everyone is your beloved," Vishnu commented when he came.

"Everyone is my beloved," I said, sitting calmly in utmost peace and serenity.

"Krishna has brought you here," he shared, although I thought nothing of what he said, gazing at the brilliant, magnificent sun below.

He led me up more flights of stairs. Now I wasn't sure how we could go any higher. At the next level, I practiced shooting some more. Again, Vishnu showed how to hold the bow correctly. The arrow flew a further distance when released. Then I shot another. It went much further as I held the bow sternly with more confidence, though the arrow hit an eagle.

"Oh, my gosh!" I remarked, then flew up to get the wounded bird, took out the arrow, and absorbed its pain. The bleeding stopped right away. However, the eagle's feet were tied together; I untied them. The bird was in a better shape, so I let it fly into the air, yet it fell back.

"Let it heal a bit before letting it go. It takes a little time," he informed.

"Okay," I replied. Moments later, he released the bird and it sailed away.

Stairs appeared; we went up them. We were way beyond to where I couldn't see the sun; just some soft, white clouds. If I wanted to see Earth, I would have to travel far distance.

"What if there's an animal out there? I will hurt it," I said about to shoot.

"If you say there won't be one, then there won't be one," he said.

"There is none!" I said and shot it.

The arrow traveled very far; we even waited to see if it was going to hit anything. It didn't. Yet, it came back faster than anything with the string tied to the back of it, almost hit my face. I wondered why. Afterwards, we rested then made love. Even more so, the love was at its purest and sincerest. Truly, I couldn't even begin to describe lying calmly and quietly in the deepest and utmost indescribable silence.

"My love," I said.

"Krishna is your love. I'm your lover," he said, touching my face.

He had mentioned it once before; however, what he said was true. Krishna couldn't be anything more than my one true love. Soon, we went up higher. I began to get a bit anxious, since I wasn't sure how we could possibly go any higher. There wasn't anything around except soft clouds and clear energy. Shiva appeared sitting in meditation nearby, shortly he left. Even at this point, I was still somewhat reluctant to see the God of Destroyer.

Once we went up another level, we stood around observing only the clear light full of calmness, peacefulness, and serenity. Then we sat on a soft, white sofa enjoying ourselves. A big Bengal tiger came walking in front of us. It seemed to be hurt, from the arrow. The gorgeous creature lay on its side. I pulled the arrow out from its stomach with my golden energy. Then it sat up, but it didn't get up. I placed my hand gently on the wound, allowing my energy to heal it. However, when the big cat got up, it turned into green energy and faded. Interested to know what was happening, I glanced at Vishnu though he didn't say anything.

We ascended more flights of stairs, uncertain of how high up we could go. It seemed this was the highest, to where it felt like it was limitless. My strong desire to know and be myself completely was gone. It was as though I was completeness and at my purest, the absolute of love that was incomprehensible. Then, I noticed I had turned into Vishnu when I observed the golden garment on my body and golden crown on my head, sporting four arms. My upper right arm held a spinning disc, the upper left held a shell; the lower right carried a golden mace, and my lower left held a lotus flower.

"We are almost identical!" he said.

Even though I was very similar to him, yet not quite exact, he was brilliantly enhanced radiating golden, shimmering energy.

We moved onto another level. This time I watched him softly, realizing the depthless of his love. It softened my whole.

"I never realized the deepest, sincerest, and purest love you have for me. I never knew. I could have never imagined of such love," I said filled with deep calmness. I could have never imagined of coming to this kind of love. I could have never imagined it in myself.

Then gently turning around, I viewed soft, white clouds genuinely touched by such affection that I never knew of. Within myself was deepest peace and utmost stillness.

"After all, you're my one and only love," I heard, it paused me for a moment, taken aback.

What? "Krishna?" I turned around, saw the old man Krishna sitting in meditation, I went to hug him.

"Krishna! You have brought me here," I said in disbelief over what he had done.

He tricked me.

He faded. Vishnu took my hand, and now we were on a bucket lift. Going higher and higher, causing a bit of anxiety in me. It was getting very far up. Shortly, we arrived at a place with only soft, white clouds, clear light, and clear atmosphere. There was no ground except clearness; nothing.

"This is God's home, abode, ship," he said.

Buddha walked towards where Vishnu and I stood. Hanuman descended from the sky before Krishna, Shiva, and others I couldn't remember exactly, since I was in awe.

"This is your home; your abode; your ship. Where God resides," one of them said.

I looked around then soared in the air to tour the area in astonishment before coming to stand by Vishnu. We came in circle. Then they all disappeared one by one; including the God of Maintainer.

"There's only one," he said.

Afterwards, I went to sit on a cloud in a meditation pose until I transformed into Quan Yin, the Chinese Goddess of Compassion and Mercy. Sitting as she, wearing the ancient Chinese white outfit, my hair in peacock style, realizing how gentle, harmless and completely pure she was. I switched back to my form, recalling I had seen this place in my dreams many years ago.

When I opened my eyes from meditation, I was deeply peaceful with pureness inside. I went downstairs to make morning coffee. Sean and Santi weren't up, yet. Now I was truly on the other side of who I was; the side of love that was purest and most absolute. Everything had changed even more within me. I was here and now, as I came to, with a remembrance of who I truly was. I was just God – consciousness itself. Everything and everyone was my own consciousness: my eternal beloved. No matter what faces, names, nationality or creeds, I could never forget who I truly was: everyone and everything was me.

### Chapter 15

When Sean woke up, I chose to discuss with him the meaning behind Vishnu's message 'You don't need to breathe.'

"What is breathing; being alive? For some people it is shopping, traveling, and emotions. Being alive is physical. It's a vehicle," he clarified.

"I got it," I told him. "The physical is a vehicle to get to your higher Self and once you're there." He interrupted, so I didn't finish.

"Then you don't need it anymore," he added.

This of course didn't mean I should go end my physical form; he meant I needed to go beyond what I had been taught by unlearning: facing and confronting, understanding the causes, be mindful, and aware of my conditions, perceptions, thoughts, attachments, and so forth, until there was nothing left; emptying myself out completely.

Around dinnertime, the purest love I came to and never knew was a bit overwhelming, as though I didn't know what to do with it while its energy flowed, circulating inside.

"What do I do? What do I do with it? What do I do with all this? I can handle it, I can handle it," I said walking around. Even though I wanted to cry, I couldn't. While lying on my bed, I closed my eyes and suddenly saw myself lying flat at the center of the empty universe, saying, "What do I do?"

Krishna appeared as the whole universe in an image, like my print I had of him, and took out his flute to play. The sound was deeply calming and soothing, filled with absolute peace and quietness.

"Thank you, my love," I said and continued listening until I dozed off.

Then I was at the new abode with not much to do. Either I walked about or sat in meditation. Many white horses headed my way, I rubbed their heads. Other times, I twirled white energy around, then added a purple aura into it. It was beautiful. I came back to sit in meditation, again realizing I had to go unleash something.

Quickly, I was in a deserted land watching a twister coming my way. Something was in it, so I stopped the windstorm and picked this thing up, unsure what it was.

What the heck is this? I spun it on a table, it fell. Though I kept at spinning it, it was the same. It fell backwards.

"I must go deeper," I said suddenly.

A blue wormhole appeared. I dove in as if I was diving into a well. Sometimes the hole wasn't straight downward, but most of the time it was. Once I arrived, I opened a small older door similar to one in ancient times where you had to pull on the ring. I crawled in.

The place was similar to a library with little wooden drawers big and small in the middle of the room and along the walls. The first one I undid was on the wall. A tube was in it, so I uncovered it, releasing what seemed like energy.

"I'm unleashing everything. I'm tired of hiding it. I'm unleashing all of it," I said and opened nearly every drawer. Some held blank white papers and others had different things which I couldn't precisely recall. Vishnu came to help undo the drawers that were left. A human body appeared, filled with different colors of energies from head to abdomen.

"What is this? Why is it here?"

He informed it was my chakra energy.

"Unleash it!" I said.

Though I released all the chakras myself, watching different color of energies floated out from the body. By the time we were done, the whole place was similar to a tornado had gone by. Despite unleashing everything there, I wasn't clear what it all suggest, until I came to be that in full then I would remember and understand because it would be in me, as myself.

Back to the abode, I sat around and then tried to fly up higher; I got hit by clear glass that was similar to a roof.

"Ouch!" I said.

A white warehouse was in the area, but never went to see it. Vishnu came; he lifted up the roof of the warehouse, and went inside it. We found empty boxes and a suitcase full of money. I smiled, although I wasn't sure why it was there. A statue of a pregnant woman sat on a table. It touched me seeing it, since I wanted to be pregnant again. The Road to Nirvana manuscript was among the items.

"Turn it into a book," he suggested.

Afterwards, he made the place vanish.

We lay in bed in the open. I made a tree appear behind it. It seemed that now our love had turned into more like husband and wife instead of lovers.

"I want to be married and be eternally with you," I said, truly taken by the affection of him and I.

"We were married, remember?" he said. It brought a loving smile to my face.

It looked at this point I had completely fallen for him, where I would go the distance for our love. Since I always wanted him around, to gaze in his eyes and touch his face, he would consistently be around. Shortly, a brown chariot with two big white horses came and stopped to let us in.

Someone was driving it. The chariot was taller and the seat was smaller, so I put my head on Vishnu's shoulder. We arrived in front of a light brown stone, one-level building. We walked in holding hands. Inside was golden, shiny and shimmering, no different than entering into a magnificent golden palace. I remembered being here before in meditation; however, the inside wasn't radiant gold, then. Vishnu opened a door, going into a room. I followed.

He sat in meditation, turning into complete, brilliant gold energy like I had never witnessed anything like it. I went to sit in front of it while his golden energy engulfed my entirety, flowing and radiating through. My energy was his, all gold - no difference.

We went back to the abode. He sat relaxing; I made a golf club and a white golf ball appear. The ball sailed far when I swung at it, but it speeded back and hit me.

"Ouch," I said.

"Why does everything come back to me?" I asked: the arrow I'd shot before and now, a golf ball.

"Everything comes back to you. Let it go through you," he said.

Once more, I took a swing. No exception, the ball sped back quickly hitting my chest.

"Dang!" I said.

This round, before it had a chance to speed back, I turned transparent. The white round ball went through my body just a bit, yet not all the way. It fell in my stomach. I could clearly see it; like it was in a gumball machine. So, I didn't know whether I should sit and crouch down to let the ball out, or stick my hand in to get it out. I supposed I did neither. Then I kept making myself even more transparent by leaving my form several times.

Following the meditation, I took Santi and his cousins to playgrounds. It was cold and windy that day, although the temperature was higher than normal in winter. No matter where I was or what I was doing: sleeping, eating, walking, or talking - visions consistently surfaced. The flood didn't stop.

After the kids had their lunch when we got home, I put my head down, exhausted from what I was going through and from lack of sleep. Now I missed Vishnu. When I saw him, I immediately let him know I couldn't be without him, wanted to be married eternally.

"We will and we are, my love," he shared.

We walked around our abode before lions and then tigers showed up. They strolled along with us. He asked if I wanted to ride on a big white bird. I agreed. The bird was indeed enormous, looking similar to a giant white eagle. We soared about in the limitless sky.

Later in the night, though, I was very tired from taking the kids to a couple of playgrounds for a few hours during the day. I tried to fall asleep, but a vision of Vishnu showed up in cosmic form, standing shiny and glowing as the Godhead. Endless forms and arms appeared on both sides of him. His Universal form had me speechless, in awe, filled with the utmost and purest love.

"You're so magnificent, my love. You are completely indescribable, truly magnificent, and immeasurable," I said, not realized I was on my knees saying all this in front of him. He came to lift me.

### Chapter 16

At night I dreamt of Vishnu, but couldn't remember what the dream was about. However, in the morning when I woke up, I meditated, trying to find him. He was nowhere to be found. I flew back and forth at the abode, nonetheless he wasn't anywhere nearby. Then I shot up, though a clear glass blocked me, I couldn't get through. Shortly, I turned into energy and got past the glass roof; however, another was above. Regardless, I continued but there were more and more. Succumbed to my exhaustion, I went back to the abode and missing Vishnu. Incalculable times, I yelled for the Maintainer. He was nowhere.

"Maybe I can go see Krishna."

So I went back to the station, calling for Krishna. He didn't show either. Momentarily, I lay flat on my face, not knowing where Vishnu was, regardless of how much effort I put in trying to find him.

"Go to Vishnu," I heard.

Back at the abode, I shouted for the God of Maintainer. He didn't show. No doubt I began to miss him completely, couldn't be without him. Suddenly a deity came walking from afar; although I wasn't sure who he was. He wore a silk pink garment, resembling Vishnu. Deeply eager to see him, I ran toward him, only to find out it was Ganesh, the remover of obstacles. Even though I was happy to see Ganesh, but deep down I wanted to see Vishnu. Ganesh and I held hands, walking. He was like a little kid; a little brother.

"Do you want to play?" I asked.

A soccer ball immediately appeared. He flew in the air, I tossed it to him, and he kicked the ball at the fastest speed. My mouth dropped, didn't get a chance to even blink, and didn't know where the ball had gone as I stood, speechless.

"Ahhh," I yelled, didn't know where the ball went as I searched for it.

We found ourselves on Earth inside a gym, playing catch. However, this time I could catch the ball, effortlessly. We played for some time until we went back to the abode. Many Ganesh showed up, though I wondered where Vishnu was, as Ganesh was my company. He asked me to go somewhere with him, I was a bit hesitant, wanting to look for Vishnu; however, I went, strolling hand in hand with him.

He put flower rings around my neck as they appeared in his hand. He also had some on him, as well. We came in front of a door, he opened it. We entered. Straight ahead was Vishnu, sitting on a gray stone throne, I approached him smiling, but he soon left.

"Vishnu!" I yelled.

Since I stood in front of a throne, I sat on it. Vishnu came, standing alongside Ganesh as both made a bow and calling me 'Vishnu'. Quickly, he was gone, without even a chance to see him. I felt distraught.

"Do you want to help me go find Vishnu?" I asked Ganesh feeling sad. He agreed to come along; however, everywhere we went there was no trace. Sometimes I thought I saw him, but they were his statues, as I mistook them for him. One of the statues, without a doubt was him, so I hugged it, closing my eyes and smiling.

"That's not it," Ganesh said.

When I closely observed, it was a stone statue.

"Oh," I said, a bit disappointed.

We returned to the abode. There wasn't much to do; I asked Ganesh if he wanted to play. We played kickball again. This brought a realization about something. Vishnu wasn't going to show up and the glass roof wasn't going to open if I didn't get something out of this. When Ganesh kicked the ball back to where it was almost hit me, I let it go pass. Then I threw a knife; it came right back to cut through me; there was no blood. Then I kept stretching myself bigger, turning formless, as I came out of my physical form. Now I was clear, where anything could pass. This brought a smile to my face, as my flesh had gotten smaller, just a bit more to go. Ganesh left. I sat alone, until Vishnu showed.

He reached for my hand, taking me somewhere far. We soared over the clouds until we came to a many headed serpent, though it wasn't alive. We sat, then lay down on the serpent before we made love. Moments later, I let him know I was deeply, completely, and truly in love with him. This affection was unfathomably pure. It was love which I myself couldn't even comprehend or describe: truly, deeply inside me, taking over from every tiny vein, bone, muscle, and fiber of my entirety; however, I was back at the abode, afterwards.

Since there was nothing to do, I had a computer with me to write and made a sun appear, adding on to what was there. Vishnu informed I could do whatever as please. Above the clouds, I made a bed appear. Then I went down all the way to Earth and saw Jesus sitting at a hut, gesturing at something like he was touching children's cheeks; but there were no children.

By gesturing my hand, about ten third-world children appeared in unwashed clothes with dirt smeared on their faces. He made a stethoscope appear and listened to their hearts.

"What are you doing all the way down here?" he asked.

"To see you, I miss you so much," I told him. "Do you need help?"

Once a few of the youngsters were examined, I took a couple of them to wash and gave them baths with soap; then dried the kids while Jesus continued caring for the rest. Once done, I jumped up to hug him, letting him know how much I loved and missed him.

"I want to show you my new place. Come with me," I said.

Jesus was instantly there while I flew down to him.

"Look around," I said. He toured for a bit, and came back.

"How do you like it?" I asked.

"It's nice," he replied.

"There's not much," I commented.

"Not much at all," he added. We smiled at each other. I made water appear. We sank our feet in it. We splashed and kicked water for brief moments. Then I got up and went to wash his feet, showing my deep love and devotion.

"I deeply love you, my love," I told him, and went to hug him, wanting to cry. He left. I went back to sit on the clouds. There were no visitors. Vishnu was nowhere to be found, again.

I opened my eyes, headed downstairs to brew coffee. In many ways, it seemed as if I was on top of the world, enjoying myself in it. Everyone and everything was no stranger. Increasingly, I was much more in the here and the now, the moment; the awareness and consciousness itself, as if I'd just arrived or appeared. It was as though I had to build myself up to what I came to, when I first reached Nirvana. Within me was absolute, pure love. Despite this, there were conditions that needed to be faced.

Following dropping off Santi to class, I was unsure which to do first: finish the cover page for the memoir or meditate. I decided to meditate and found myself going up the stairs in the clouds, much higher than where I had been. The stairs were smaller in size, with sets of clouds next to each step on both sides.

Soon, I saw Gods and Goddesses on each side sitting, and ahead was Vishnu on a golden throne. The whole place gleamed with gold. Immediately I dropped down on my knees, completely in love as the energy of it streamed through, inside every particle of my whole. The Gods and Goddesses watched.

Soon, I was flat on the floor, crawling to where he was; deeply, truly in love to where no words to speak of the complete, utmost affection overwhelmingly taking my completeness, entirely. If I tried, I couldn't even walk. He became my one true love, and I wanted to be married to him forever through eternity. I was incomplete without him. He was "my God."

"There is nothing else I wanted except for this," I said: to be in union eternally. The confession of my love was similar to the confession of my love to Krishna, but now this love was utterly pure within me, as I'd never known or came to it before. Once I made it to him, he lifted me up, touched my face and looked in my eyes.

"Be one with me," he said.

That's all I ever wanted. "I called for you across the whole universe so many times," I said.

"I'm always here," he replied.

I got up to sit on his lap, facing him as he turned into complete golden light and immersed into mine until our energies became one. Amidst uniting our energies, I fell on the floor near his throne. Immensely, fully I was engulfed by the immersion of our union and oneness. Gently, I lifted myself up, trying to grasp what had just happened before sitting on the golden throne, as I was now in golden, brilliant energy.

Shortly, I saw him and another God ride on a chariot, though I wasn't sure who that was (maybe Krishna going somewhere), with their bows and arrows with quivers on their shoulders.

"She's completely devoted to you, Vishnu. There's nothing she wants except you," I heard.

"I know. I could never forget her. She'll come to me again," he said. They rode off. I opened my eyes. Moments later, I worked on the cover page for the memoir.

The more I remembered, as well as this pure love inside, being who I truly was; the more everything and everyone became close. There was nothing else except who I was, everywhere. Not only I was coming to it, but I was this itself even more.

"I remember, I remember, I remember what this whole thing is all about," I'd said to myself plenty of times. This was why everything was here: love of divine Self. Songs, movies, and music were all about this eternal love.

Around dinner time, I asked Sean if he knew chakras.

"I'm not into that stuff," he said. Even though I wasn't either, yet wanted to understand why I'd released chakra energies. Abruptly, a vision of Vishnu surfaced, with chakras spun around his finger; then they turned into a disc.

Vishnu's disc?

According to the internet, the discus meant 'vision of which is auspicious or divine weapon of destruction of enemies.'

Then I looked at Vishnu's pictures, saving ones I liked to a picture gallery on the IPad. Pictures with him and Lakshmi, who was supposed to be his consort, whom I'd just learned about, I skipped over quickly, and browsed to find different pictures of Vishnu by himself. I began to feel jealous.

### Chapter 17

Later at night after Santi fell asleep and I was done writing for the day, I lay around waiting for him to come to my bed. He didn't until much later, so I meditated. Since Vishnu had left, I searched for him. He was at a battlefield on Earth. Many things were happening. He was directing others while deities flew around in the dimly atmosphere. Some men rested and some marched around. I walked in, calling for him.

"What are you doing here in such place?" he asked.

"To see you," I said. "I miss you."

I wanted to make love to him, so he made a tent and bed appear. While we made out, another deity came by informing him it was his turn. He made at least five copies of himself appear to take his place. As I was into making love with Vishnu, closing my eyes and calling out his name, completely taken by our intimacy, he sat on his white horse in the air, watching. Stunned seeing him, didn't realize I was making love to this elderly, thin man with long white beard whom I never knew or met until then.

Abruptly the old man ran to Vishnu, begging for his life while I was utterly in shock, unable to believe I had made love to someone else. My entire system turned upside down in devastation, as I watched the old man pleading for his life.

How could this be? I thought he was Vishnu. Could he take Vishnu's form and do this?

The God of Maintainer was about to end the old man's existence, with his golden mace, but I ran to block it, asking him to have mercy.

"Please," I pleaded. "I didn't know! Don't hurt him! Don't hurt yourself!"

Vishnu quickly vanished. I was left broken in pieces and started to cry. The old man tried to console, yet no one could. I was in state of numbness, shaken by it all.

Don't hurt yourself!

Realizing at the moment, it was Vishnu's doing. If he wanted to cut ties, why go to such measures? His action took something away, putting a shudder into the deep of my whole. Then, I heard him telling Krishna to take me out of that place as I cried, holding my knees and rocking back and forth, staring off into the distance not caring where I was.

Krishna came and carried me away.

"Krishna, don't take me back to him. Stay with me; just you and me. Let's go somewhere far, Krishna. Please don't take me back to him; please!"

"You're his now," he said, and shortly we reached Vishnu. Krishna placed me in front of the Maintainer while I was in tears, yelling for Krishna not to leave as he headed off.

"You never leave me, Krishna! Please stay! Please don't go!" I screamed after him. When he left and didn't turn back, I crumbled even more in bits and pieces deeply hurt. I turned around, walking away. What Vishnu had done was unheard of.

"Let's go," he said. I stopped.

"I'm on my own now! I go alone!" I yelled.

I left, crying until I was at the sea, in tears, in the dark, and in disbelief and in pain. Then I was back at the abode, although it now switched to an earthly ground, with dust everywhere in an open area with two warehouses on right and left side. It seemed Vishnu had taken my home away. No one was there except an old man who'd arrived shortly. We looked at what was in both warehouses and threw things away that weren't useful.

"You're not going to go to him?" he asked when he saw my tears, in an emotional mess.

"No! The only one I go to is myself! No one else!" I sternly stated.

"What he did was not good," the old man added. While we sorted things, I noticed Vishnu watched us from above the whole time.

"She still has a lot to let go," he said.

His comment made me pause to reflect. What do I have to let go?

After arranging things in the warehouses, I made a shower appear and washed myself, completely naked in the open. Vishnu watched. When the dusty wind blew my way, he made a gesture for the wind to go in a different direction. Then he saw my clear, pure white, light energy. This was the very first time I had ever witnessed it, as well.

"She's so pure," he said before calling for me to go to him (although I ignored him). "Come to me, my love."

It was hard to resist, but now I declared independence and was on my own. After not responding, he came asking to go with him, and when I didn't, he grabbed my waist and flew us up to his place in a building above the clouds in a modern room. We made love. He turned into the old man during it, showing it was he whom I'd made love to at the battlefield.

"You tricked me," I said crying. The situation was a big slap in my face; a turning point for me to be on my own. While I cried, he put a glass tube under my cheek, to catch my teardrops. He got a full glass.

"Your tears are so pure. They will help many things. God's teardrop is like rain," he said.

He wanted to show how my tears could be of use. Immediately we stood in front of a sea. He poured some tear drops into it. The water was purified somehow. We went to a lake that was polluted. The water was green.

"Your tears will help refresh the water. The fish could live," he said. He poured some into the lake, and within minutes the water changed from dark green to fresh water. The fish swam happily. Then, we went back to his room. He lay on the floor with his arm supporting his head.

"Your tears are useful. The crying wasn't a waste," he said, tapping his fingers on the floor.

Wasn't a waste? Since I was still recovering from what happened, making love didn't change anything; and on top of this, how could my tears purify anything?

Is it true that someone who is pure can heal and touch things deeply? Maybe this was what I had to let go? Not completely believing in myself?

As I was about to leave, he wanted to know where I was heading.

"To the sea," I responded.

It was dark; I stood on a rock in front of the ocean, looking at the water. He came. "You're not coming with me?"

"No! The only one I will go to is myself! I go to Self! I stand on my own! I belong to no one but myself! I'm the only one I answer to!" I yelled.

We were quiet for a bit, as it seemed our relationship had come down to this.

"Are we still married?" he implored.

Although what happened had changed everything, I answered softly, "Through this eternity."

"Where are you going?" he asked seeing me treading off.

"I don't know. I will figure it out," I replied, and walked on. He wanted me to go with him, saying he couldn't forget; that I was still his love. He called after, I stopped.

"Vishnu! If you want me, come and get me!" I shouted.

Now I was on my own, standing alone. If I was lost, I was going to be lost. Along the way, I became dependent on Krishna and Vishnu; especially Krishna. If I wanted something, Krishna was there. After being married to Vishnu, I became dependent on him as well, in some ways, though he was tough and would trick me; fortunately this was for me to be independent, believe in myself and become stronger.

Momentarily I was back at the warehouses, looking at tools and whatever was there. Many things were old and rusty, pretty much useless so I poured gasoline on both. The elderly man came by. Two torches were lit, and I gave him one; he burnt the other warehouse. We stood watching amid the warehouses were incinerated to ashes.

### Chapter 18

I found myself on Earth, carrying a toolbox walking toward the work trucks. The workmen seemed to have problems, had no useful equipment to fix them with.

"I can help," I said taking out my tools, and went down the drain to replace old bolts with new ones. I sealed them, then wiped the rusty pipes, making them shiny and new.

I went by a lake and saw a kid drowning. His mother became hysterical, crying and screaming. She wasn't able to swim. The boy gasped for air, as he sank. I dove down to pull him to the surface, gave him CPR, and let him cough up water. By placing my hand on his back, and putting golden energy on him helped him regained his strength. Afterwards, I walked on. The boy was surprised he hadn't died, and didn't even get hurt.

"Thank you," they both said.

Suddenly I was in an older building, renovating it. It wasn't old enough to destroy, so I revived it by putting new things inside it, replacing old walls, ceilings, and floors before adding pictures and new furniture.

This helped me understand Vishnu much more. He sustained and maintained life. As I was doing this, he and Krishna watched from beyond the clouds, making comments on how good of a job I was doing. Shortly, I came to a very old, abandoned building. It didn't seem like it could be repaired.

"Destroy it!" I said. "Then rebuild it into a new whole building."

The workmen demolished the ruined place and rebuilt it into something else. Next, I found myself at a hospital, trying to revive a patient who was unconscious. He was flat lining, so I used the defibrillator a couple times, yet it didn't do anything.

"He isn't going to make it," one of the nurses commented.

I stood with a defibrillator in my hand, it seemed he was done.

"Go to the heart!" I heard.

I reached my hand into his heart, putting my golden energy around it. Momentarily, his heart warmed up. I took out my hand. His eyes moved, fingers twitched, and quickly he became conscious, waking up and staring at our uniforms, gloves, masks, and the defibrillator in my hand.

"What the fuck are you guys doing?" he asked.

He quickly walked out, throwing his hospital gown on the floor. We looked at each other. One of nurses said, "We just saved him!"

Then I was at a desert land with one small tree, not big enough to cover one person with its leaves. Since I had no home and now it'd completely switched to this, there wasn't anywhere to go. I tried to make my way to the abode by walking upstairs of an apartment building; however, people lived in every room I entered. It didn't matter how high I went; it was the same: there were people occupying every unit.

"What is she doing," Krishna asked Vishnu as they watched.

"Trying to find her way back," he answered.

Momentarily, I found myself at a village in India, in someone's yard. The porch was open, I approached. A man was about to have his morning meditation. With a smile, I went to sit in front of him. He lit incense and put it in a silver cup between us. He had a dot (either red or another color) on his forehead, though I can't remember precisely. He closed his eyes, we chanted: "Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa."

Buddha showed up, I grinned.

"My beloved," he said making a bow when he saw me.

"My beloved," I said with a bow. "I need to meditate."

By now, every God in the universe knew of the quarrel between Vishnu and I. Buddha understood that I needed to find a place of solitude, to reflect. We came to a temple surrounded by green trees and sat in the front yard, meditating.

"You're all the way back where everything begins; when it all starts. How it all happens. The beginning," he said.

His reminders centered me more, giving a clearer understanding of what was happening. The marriage quarrels, disputes, and arguments between husbands and wives all started here. This was the beginning of it all. What had started here was always here: ongoing, eternally. This was no different than daily normal physical life. I wasn't just in the relationships, I was this myself.

Back to the dusty land, I sat under the small tree for a bit until bulls headed my way. The two warehouses were still there despite the fact that they'd burned down, although nothing was in them, this time. Shortly, more and more bulls came, almost filling up the whole area, so I got up to see what was going on. Many more arrived. Some were big, reaching the clouds, and there was nowhere to sit. I went to one of the warehouses, although the big bulls just walked on my head as they pleased.

Now they all started running. I tried to dodge them, though there was little room to move. One threw me forward, when I hopped on its back. Unfortunately while I was down, they stepped on my thin body. My face was pushed into the ground a couple of times. I shot myself up to the clouds to sit for a bit, nonetheless I couldn't even for a few seconds, the big bulls came. When I stepped on their backs, I got thrown off. The only thing I could do was run, search for room and jump on them, trying to get away, but couldn't.

"What do I do? What do I do?"

It was no doubt one of Vishnu's actions. He appeared watching with another deity.

"Isn't she your wife?" he asked Vishnu.

"Yeah, and the husband is trying to run over the wife with bulls," I said.

When I saw just a little space before the animals came, I meditated and sang "Om" a few times, turning myself formless to expand. My clear energy spread far, where bulls could go through. It made me smile inside. Then I lifted myself to sit on the soft clouds, but the big bulls headed my way, knocking me down while my flesh was almost down to nothing.

"Dang!" I said then chanted "Om" again, trying to form strong winds to chase away the animals; but it didn't work. They just kept coming. Here I hadn't fully made up with him; and this was what he was doing.

"Vishnu!" I yelled, realizing that I could ask for his help, but there was no desire. It was gone. The only one I could depend on now was myself. If I was going to get run over by bulls down in the deep, let it be so. After jumping on their backs, dodging and running, I was tired.

"What do I do?" I said.

Shiva showed up kneeling next to me.

"Shiva! Don't interfere!" Vishnu shouted as soon as he saw the God of Destruction. Shiva left immediately. As I kept going without any progress, I made Vishnu's disc appear. It spun around my index finger before I threw it. The weapon chased some animals off; however, many kept coming. The disc became heavy. My finger was swollen, not quite sure how to use it yet.

"Only Shiva can save me," I said.

Vishnu heard this. Immediately, he shouted loudly like thunder and lightning had just hit.

"Only you can save yourself!"

So, I continued running, stepping on bulls' backs and dodging them. Still, I got run over many times and was thrown in the air before hitting the ground. At this point, I looked no different than a dirt girl, running with my clothes covered with dust and soil all over my hair, my face, and the rest of me. When I saw a small area, I ran there and quickly sat in meditation, turning into Shiva about fifteen feet tall and holding a trishul.

"This will do it," I said smiling inside, lifting the weapon only a bit (just an inch above the ground) and letting it down. The ground shook, cracked, split open, and wobbled causing an earthquake. The bulls couldn't stand steady and fell in between the big cracks, killing at least ten.

"Oh, no!" I said witnessing this.

Vishnu disappeared immediately.

"I'm sorry, Vishnu! I'm sorry! Let's start over, all the way back at the beginning. Send the bulls, please!"

I attempted to rescue some that were still alive, the ground was how it was beforehand when I came up. Bulls ran my way, with giant ones that reached the clouds and small ones that ran on ground, leaving hardly any room to rest.

I hid under the ground, though they managed to step on top of my head, pushing my face deeper into the dirt. In a while, I saw a small open area, went to sit, and meditated. Suddenly a golden platinum flute came to my hand, and I played. As I kept on, surprisingly, the ground switched to a different type of soil, from dust to regular dirt. The warehouses were gone, the whole atmosphere changed. Instead of white clouds, the sky was now turning clear blue and the sun had changed to big and golden. As I continued, the whole scene was transformed. All the bulls were gone. When I finished, I twirled the flute never knew the instrument could be such an amazing tool. At that moment, I also realized Vishnu was trying to help me be self-resilient, full of endurance, bringing out the strengths in me.

"What happened to the animals? Were they lost because I switched it to a new place almost completely?"

Suddenly, I was in front of Vishnu. He complimented.

"The flute is powerful!" he said.

"Yes," I responded in agreement. "Although I'm not quite sure how to use the disc."

"It's when you have no fingers," he answered (which only meant when I completely become formless and see-through). However, he didn't say anything about the trishul.

"I'm sorry about the bulls," I said.

"I saved them all," he told. I was touched by his immeasurable compassion. Vishnu was that "which saves and preserves."

I leaned over, touching his face. We kissed then made love. Later, we lay around until a mermaid appeared inside a bathtub with see-through curtains, although I didn't go take a look. Momentarily two more came, splashing in separate bathtubs. Curious, I went to see, but thought nothing of this. I put my clothes on, getting ready to leave.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Somewhere. I'm not sure. I need to figure out what I need to let go of," I replied. When I was about to take off, he asked me not to, his love was sincerely true.

"Tell me: how deep is your love?" I asked staring out the open window.

"It's the purest," he responded.

"Will you go to the end of the earth for me?"

"I already have!" he answered.

"Do it again!" I said then fell backwards from a sky-high building. He reached out his hand to hold me, to prevent from hitting the ground.

"I fall down not to be saved! I can do that myself. This is not what I meant by the way," I yelled. He let go. I fell on a wooden stake on someone's roof.

"She just killed herself," he said.

My body slid through, there was no blood. I came out of my form even more transparent.

Who the heck would put a wooden stake on their roof?

Then, I was at a village in India, where I met Buddha. I had a little house of my own and wore house shorts and a white t-shirt, watering the garden and living my life day to day. When the bucket was empty, I went to the well in front of the house, fetching more water to shower the rest of the garden. Once I was close to being done, I picked fruits that were ripening in a straw basket. I walked to the stairs, but stepped on a nail. The grass was tall and hadn't been mowed.

"Ouch!" I yelled loudly. Vishnu came quickly, took out the nail, absorbed the pain, and healed it. Then he washed my feet in a bucket and dried them.

"I'm here for you," he said. I was quiet and didn't respond; then let him know I was busy. "I still have more plants to water," I said looking away. He made sprinklers appear, watering all the plants again.

Later I was myself, sick with a high temperature, shaking and shivering. He came quickly, lifted me, and absorbed the illness in his hand, turning it into golden energy. Then, he handed the clear, sparkling glass of tonic water to replenish my weak body. Gradually, I was back to normal, regaining my strength. Then I put my shoes on, about to leave.

"Please come with me," he pleaded.

"I'm my own," I replied.

"I'm here for you, going to the end for you!" he yelled after.

"Okay," I said, and walked off. Before long, I found myself at the ocean, watching the water at night. He came, dropping on his knees and professing his undying love; that he wanted to be with me eternally as one, and would do anything.

"Sure," I said treading off.

"I'm on my knees!" he yelled.

Yeah. I was on the floor, flat on my face.

I was at the dirt land. The warehouses were still around. There were a couple of boxes, yet there wasn't anything worthwhile to keep. He showed up, trying to convince of his love and devotion, meanwhile I browsed through things in the warehouse.

All this can be thrown away.

In the midst of this, Vishnu in his brilliant golden light surpassing the white clouds watched, as his other form was pleading. When I saw this, I yelled so the other Vishnu could hear as well: "If you want me, come with your all!"

Instead of sending his avatars and other forms, he needs to come himself.

Soon an airplane landed in the area, I went to see. The God of Maintainer stepped out of the airplane in his fine golden garments, with a golden crown on his head, shiny and shimmering in his golden energy, nearly without form. Suddenly I was weak on my knees, again. The purest and sincerest love he and I shared emerged completely, taking over. Once more, I was overcome with utmost purest love and affection, where I couldn't imagine myself without him, as if I wouldn't be complete, and I would go to the end, anywhere and everywhere for him, high or low.

"Can you handle all of me?" he asked when he came close.

"Yes," I answered. "It is all I ever wanted."

He touched my face then kissed me. We made love and told one another we were the one and only love for each other. He asked to get on the plane with him.

"You're God, now," he said when I got on.

### Chapter 19

The plane took off, I was afraid something was going to stop it from ascending, nothing did. We passed my abode, looking exactly like how it was when I first went there: soft clouds, light and sun. He was taking me back, I thought, but said we were going higher. Shortly, we were let out in front of steps.

We walked up them, and entered a room filled with energy and an Om symbol came out of its center. In the room were Krishna, Shiva, Buddha, Jesus, and others I can't remember; I was speechless. All of them had the Om symbol.

"Vishnu, you have brought her here," one of the Gods said.

They were all in deep meditation. I observed everyone, seeing how glowing and shiny they were as I sat next to Vishnu.

"Thank you, my love," I whispered, and said something else; but he gestured for me to be quiet. As I sat calmly in meditation, Om symbol directly came and stayed around my chest, just like the others. Then, I found myself in the white clouds with Goddesses, chatting, smiling and gliding in the air.

They were in their gleaming golden outfits, while I was in my purple checkered shorts, white t-shirt and flip flops, in love with Vishnu, couldn't focus on anything else except this pure love of him and I. Quan Yin wore her soft, elegant white attire from ancient China and had a peacock hairstyle.

We dipped our feet in spring water, kicking and making small splashes. Quan Yin made her way to a bathhouse. I followed. Inside were wooden buckets and tubs filled with water. I sat down to soak my feet.

"You and Vishnu have a strong relationship," she commented.

"Yes," I responded with a big smile, in cloud nine, head over heels in love. As she was talking, he watched from the cloudless sky. I beamed inside.

"Your husband watches you," she said. I glanced at him, smiling big.

Moments later, he disappeared. After hearing her, I realized what she was going to say.

"We just made up. I don't want to leave him yet. I want to enjoy our relationship," I said.

It was inevitable I was going to meet Brahma. "When I'm ready, I will go to Brahma."

"Brahma is waiting," she informed then left.

I went to see Vishnu, letting him know I wasn't going to depart that soon. At this point, I couldn't. My love for him was completely strong and unable to leave it now. I wouldn't be complete. He lay quiet, didn't say much. It only meant he was letting me go.

Almost immediately I found myself outside a Buddhist temple made of white cement, with gold edges surrounded by cocoa nut trees. Someone was becoming a monk. From the temple entrance, I stood watching. He'd let down his long black hair and a monk came with a razor blade, shaving it off until it was completely gone.

"Vishnu?" I said, not fully recognizing him. He looked different: smaller in size, wearing a monk's outfit and holding a meditation bead, but after observing him closely. He was Vishnu.

"If you want me to go to Brahma, then I will!" I yelled. "But you don't have to do this!"

### Chapter 20

Soon I was in a tuk tuk full of people, somewhere in India. The green rice fields grew nicely on both sides of the unpaved road. People sold foods on the side of streets while others walked their cows and buffalo alongside. Our vehicle made a stop for people to get foods and drinks. An Indian man with a mustache sat just a bit distance from us, wearing a white shirt, with a weird eye; but I didn't take a good look. However, I had a feeling he was going to rob this beautiful Indian girl, who wore pink sari with beautiful jewelry, looking like a Goddess and myself. We stood far from others as they ate and purchased foods. He came by to give a message.

"Go to Brahma," he said.

"I got it!" I told him, yet when I turned around, he'd pulled a knife on the girl. Vishnu showed up through the clouds, watching.

"I got it, my love," I said, so he wouldn't intervene.

"What do you want? Money?" I asked so he could direct the blade my way instead. Despite being scared, I stood unmoved looking at him directly whereas my heart was beating fast and palm lightly sweated. Quickly he pointed the dagger my direction, he was going to attack; nevertheless I didn't budge, and realizing at the very moment I could get stabbed. He shortly put the knife down, without saying a word and left quietly.

We got back on the tuk tuk, and I was let out at an airport. Doubtlessly, I missed Vishnu deeply. He was the only air inside of me. A black helicopter parked in an open area, I made my way to it. No one operated it, though it ascended as soon as I stepped in, and nothing held it back unlike before. We got up high passing soft, white clouds, and came to a city with many high-rise buildings. People walked through a big clear, plastic tube to get to the other side.

The helicopter stopped on the roof of a skyscraper.

"We are going a bit higher," I heard as I was about to get off.

I sat back down. The helicopter ascended. It stopped in midair, this time.

"Cut the strings!" I commanded.

Beige ropes held it back, although they weren't cut, we ascended regardless.

Why are there still ropes?

"They are your fears, but they don't hold you back. You still keep going," Brahma replied.

We landed on a high-rise light blue glass tower. It was breathtaking to watch other skyscrapers from where I was. No one was there except Brahma and myself; however, he didn't have form. I went to sit in front of a building that had a water fountain that wasn't turned on all the way.

"Do something!" he shouted.

"Like what? You want me to lift up the water?" I asked.

I got up, walked around, and thought that maybe I could put water holes in the middle, corners, and sides; adding on. Then I raised the water: it shot up nicely in every corner, reaching to about the middle of the skyscraper. Brahma; however, elevated it all the way, as high as the skyscrapers.

"Wow!" I said, stunned. He made the buildings even higher than they were; almost touching the limitless atmosphere. I shot up and caused the height of other skyscrapers taller than they were, nearly reaching the white clouds.

"Create from pure thought," he said.

"Pure thought? I still cuss," I said smiling inside.

"Your thoughts are pure. You have no future, no past, no condition, and no attachments to anything. You just are. Your thoughts are of the purest. That's why Vishnu got ahold of you. Only the strongest and the purest, ones who can stand alone can be here. It's tremendous to be here," he said.

"Thank you," I said. "Brahma, let me go find Vishnu and I will be back. I need some time; give me just a bit."

"If you're here, then be here completely! Go back to Vishnu when you're done here!" he shouted.

"Show me your form," I said.

A white man with sandy brown hair walked by, admiring the water fountain then a woman with a child came, observing; soon they all vanished.

"Since you don't have form, you can take many forms endlessly."

"Infinitely," he added.

"So you don't have form and can take form any time. Then you just have a sound?"

"Yes," he responded.

"I got it. I will be back," I said then came out of meditation.

Now it seemed that I was left with this pure love for Vishnu, realizing he wouldn't appear if I called for him. He wanted me to go see Brahma. It was the Creator's turn to help me remember myself as the Creator.

While listening to songs on radio, I wanted to break down and cry, missing the God of Maintainer completely as I prepared breakfast for Santi.

Vishnu! Vishnu! Vishnu!

With a couple minutes to myself, I closed my eyes. Santi waited for his food, playing in the playroom. I found myself at the center of the universe with nothing; just empty space in my station, lying flat on my front and sad.

Vishnu showed up similarly to Krishna, as the Universe. As I lay quiet, he made pink lotus flowers fall everywhere and placed one big pink lotus under my body. The beautiful flower floated me around the empty space.

"Oh my gosh," I said wanting to be with him, completely. He then reminded to go see Brahma.

"I will!" I said.

Once Santi ate, we went to a toy store to use up some time until dropping him off at pre- school. It seemed that now I appreciated everything even more and wasn't a stranger to nothing, remembering how this existence came about, how it all started, and why it was there instead of seeing it there. The love I had for Self could only continue eternally and could never end.

In my dreams, I went back to see Brahma in front of the fountain. Instead of creating, a helicopter parked in the vicinity, I headed towards the aircraft. Momentarily, a man with a mustache, light brown hair, and light complexion came over.

"Brahma, you took form! Oh. You have many forms, but this is the first you've showed me. Can't you make yourself a bit attractive? What's with one rotating eye ball? Geez. Why not be one of my favorite movie stars or something?" I said.

He switched to one of my preferred actors.

"No. Too familiar," I said. He turned into another one of my adored Hollywood celebrities.

"No, that's familiar, too."

He transformed to one more. "Nah, it's the same."

"Well, what do you want?" he asked.

"Just the way you are is fine, my love. No need for anything else," I said.

A few moments of watching him, he reminded of the man who'd tried to attack the beautiful Indian girl and myself.

"Wait! Aren't you that guy who gave me a message to come to you and then tried to rob me and this other girl?" I asked.

"Yeah, that was me," he answered.

"Nice!"

A brown, leather briefcase was on the seat, so I picked it up, placed it on my lap, and opened it. Bunch of papers flew off, the helicopter ascended.

"Why open the window when I opened the briefcase?" I shouted.

"Why open a briefcase while ascending?" he asked back.

The papers went off in different directions, but I collected all just by putting my hand out, and placed them back in the suitcase. My curiosity led me to unlock the leather case again. Once more, the papers scattered everywhere in the sky. Brahma had rolled down the window.

"Dang!" I said.

The papers were pretty much blank. The top one had little blurry writings, though mostly blank. The middle ones were completely clear, although the bottom ones seemed to have some writings, but mainly untouched.

"I'm blank! I'm totally unwritten!" I shouted, tossing out all the papers of the helicopter. They dispersed far and wide.

The helicopter kept going beyond the porcelain clouds. Vishnu came through them, transparent.

"He's making it harder for me."

No matter how high we ascended, he was there. Head over heels in love, I was about to leave to go to him, getting off the airbus; but sat back down.

"I can't. It'll be the same. I still have to be back here."

Soon, we landed.

"Let's go fishing," Brahma suggested.

Suddenly we were on a small boat, with no water. There was only energy or air underneath it, same as everywhere else. There was nothing.

"It needs water," he said.

"What do you want? Pond, lake, or ocean? Do you want clear skies with sun; a bit breezy?" I asked then stopped. The remembrance emerged. This was no different than how everything was in the physical world.

"You remember," he commented.

"I remember," I said.

At the bottom of the boat, I made water appear; it started to come in. Then I turned it into a lake with soft sun reflecting, cool breeze and nice temperature for fishing; however, the water soon dried up. I put it back just by dipping my finger, although this time, the water turned green.

"No," I said. "This isn't good for the fish."

My effort to transform the water to be sparkly and clear didn't produce results.

Purest thought. Should it be clear instead of green?

Then I tried making myself cry to get my tears to purify the water: however, I couldn't cry. Once more, I attempted to bring out tears by squeezing my eyes together. There was none. Brahma watched.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Trying to make myself cry so I'll have tears to purify the water," I said.

"Give it a rest," he told. He sat down in front of the lake and now it was nighttime. We rested, though I got up to touch the water trying to make it clearer, yet it didn't change.

"Come on! My purest thought; my purest thought," I said dropping my finger in the water again, nothing transformed.

"What's my purest thought?" I said pacing back and forth wanting to understand something. Brahma lay down, with two hands supported his head observing the nightly sky.

"My purest thought is a baby. Then what is my impure thought? Murders, rapists."

As I continued to ponder, I said, "If my thoughts are already pure, then anything I touch or create is from purity."

"Looks like you got it, Brahma. Everything you do is complete," he said.

To assess the water closely, I bent down and noticed that the side of the lake was green because of green plants.

"Many fish like that!" I said.

I went further into the lake; the water gradually became normal, fresh regular water. I headed back to lie next to Brahma. We gazed at the sky, I added more stars.

"These are just my consciousness; my thoughts. Creation is my power thought," I said.

"Krishna and Shiva?" he asked.

"Extremely powerful," I mumbled.

"And Vishnu?" he continued. My skin shivered just thinking about him; he was truly all power.

I need to be at my strongest to return to him.

"You're a very powerful thought," he said.

Sometimes I'd see myself with Vishnu by the sea during working with Brahma, in a daytime. He asked if I was coming back to him.

"Yes, but I stand alone," I said.

He also gave his golden mace, though didn't think I needed it for creation, and gave it back to him.

"She's a good match," he said when I flew away.

When Santi came into my room later at night, I woke up. It wasn't until morning that I was able to meditate again.

I was at my station, sitting on a bench. Brahma entered. I greeted him. He appeared to have three heads, but was still in the same form, with one eye rotating. He toured the station before he destroyed it.TV, telescope, and whatever were there were all shattered. With a broom and a dust pan in my hand, I swept the messy floor.

"Is there more?" he asked.

"Umm, yeah," I replied with hesitance. Is he going to destroy that one, too?

We went up another level, he demolished it. The station wasn't completely ruined; however, a big green Earth planet appeared. He created many more in my station and in space. The station was filled with green globes.

"Wow," I said.

We headed back to first level, though he seemed fatigued. To help him walk steadily, I held his arms. We came down, he turned my way. I thought he was going to kiss me; instead he disappeared inside my stomach. The man with one rotating eye in my gut made it look like an anaconda just ate a cow. Despite making several attempts to vomit, I couldn't get him out.

"Oh my gosh!"

At this point, I was grossed out, seeing his three heads inside my abdominal. Suddenly I turned smaller and smaller and came out of my form like energy shooting out of a hole. I became completely formless and clear, and couldn't be seen anywhere. I was this whole Universe itself, looking at everything.

"Wow!" I marveled.

It's like I can see all. I can see everything in one look at the entire Universe; living and non-living things.

"All seeing," I heard.

As I continued watching, realizing I knew everything, at that moment.

"All knowing!" I heard.

All knowing? I completely knew nothing for months, now. Don't tell: it's going to be all-existing and then all-powerful.

"Ever present," I was hearing.

It was astonishing as I took a tour in awe, watching all from lakes, trees, ground, birds, and so on. I could see everything and anything, yet I couldn't be seen.

"Is this what it's like being Brahma?"

It was liberating and free, unlike my stressful relationships with the Gods. I kept going, making my way up the clouds in disbelief, amazed by the skies, galaxies, sun, moon, stars, and so on: the whole creation. I went higher, passing my abode, and saw myself writing using the computer. She (myself) looked at me as I headed upward.

She realized I'm here? She's good! Why isn't she going up yet to live there?

"I'm just wrapping things up and I will be up," she (myself) replied. The place was where Vishnu had taken me last time, where I was Aum, like the other Gods, much higher up than the abode.

Making my way upward, I came across Krishna and Shiva meditating. Vishnu lay on his serpent and my love for him overcame so strongly, where I had to stop and watched.

I'll just be here a bit, looking at Vishnu just a bit. They know I'm here. Okay, get ahold of yourself.

After taking a couple of deep breaths, I continued before seeing a lake and wondered what it was like to be water so I kicked water, making big splashes with no form.

"Ha"! I said.

Wanting to see my sister, I went to where she lived, watching her while she cooked. She couldn't see me.

"It's me! It's me!" I yelled. She didn't respond; however, my young baby nephew knew I was there: he smiled. Then I made my way to where I resided, and saw Sean. He knew I was there, but didn't care. He was making dinner for Santi.

"This is what's like to be Brahma? Amazing. Unseen."

Santi woke up early. Following breakfast, I took him to a toy store to use up time before taking him to school. We had an hour. He played with train sets, I observed what was there.

There is nowhere to go except here and now, eternally. It never ends.

Head over heels with Vishnu similarly every song I heard, was about him and I. Not just the story lines of the music, but truly about us - the masculine and feminine divine energies that continued through eternity. In the past, the songs were about the singers' stories. Now, as I came to remember, it was about love of Self and for Self.

When I came home, I meditated and hoping during meditation that I would nap or see Vishnu. Instead, I strolled down the dark streets somewhere in a city, heading into a building. A door opened, I entered. The room was dark. Buddha statues were everywhere and on every floor as I rode inside the glass elevator, witnessing them.

"Buddha, Buddha, Buddha," I said.

I came into another floor, an elevator door opened ahead; but this time I took the stairs. Buddha statues sat at the corner of nearly every stair steps. Then I took an elevator. The building started to look familiar. Once I was at the top, I recognized it was the building where I had been with Brahma, with the water fountain in front of it, although now the high-rises were gold platinum, shiny and sparkly filled with porcelain Buddha statues. One idol was exceeding the clouds, beyond the shiny city. Then, I added more pure white Buddha figurines on the ground, and at every turn.

"Brahma!" I yelled, so he could come see what I had done.

"There are a lot of Buddhas," he commented.

"Yeah," I responded with a smile. Everything I created would be with compassion and heart.

### Chapter 21

An image of myself walking into a modern room (like a hotel suite) surfaced. Krishna sat in meditation. I approached, then put my forehead on his. Suddenly a tube mixed with red and orange color energy appeared, and I traveled down it. It went pretty fast, taking many sharp and deep turns, looking as if I was being flushed through. Liquid was inside it and it shot me up. I came out the other end, and saw Jesus waiting. He had a different outfit on: a purple sash draped on one shoulder, over a white robe.

"I'm here for something. I'm not sure what it is," I said.

It seemed we were under a metal ground, people banged on it loudly, like they were banging on a piece of steel. A deep, dark hole emerged in energy.

"I have to go down there," I said to Jesus.

I dove in just like diving off of swimming board, traveling headfirst and witnessing intravenous (IV) lines with tiny beads inside of them. Within seconds, I noticed I was hooked to about thirty of these lines of about a thousand or more feet long, in an empty space; except that I was on a bed similar to those at the hospital. Vishnu kept appearing all over, big and small, as well as sitting next to my side.

"Oh my gosh!" I said lying erect watching little beads making their ways through the IV lines. It felt like this was the last flushing.

Meanwhile, a scene of myself walking up steps over the puffy clouds emerged. I was done wrapping things up from the abode. Vishnu stood by the steps.

"I want to show you something," he said.

We entered into a golden, shiny place with a big golden sun emitting directly at it.

"It's beautiful! I love it," I said excitedly.

Then, I made bed and lamp appear, and a table for my computer. He left. I toured my new residence; however, his place was only one level up from mine.

"He's not far!"

The meditation scene changed to where I lay with IV lines; but there were fewer of them, and instead of little beads passing; now it was clear liquid.

"Just a bit more," I heard.

Suddenly I stood on a dark road, watching people carrying a statue of Shiva into town. He seemed alive more than a statue, and I was somewhat reluctant to completely accept myself as he, wasn't enthusiastic to see him.

It's only a statue.

Then I was back to where I was lying down, and now the lines were less and less. After a long time, I got up to walk about; then came back to sit before I lay down, and got up again. About three long lines to go.

Next, I was in my new abode, in bed typing while Vishnu watched. I smiled.

"Come down if you want," I said.

It was no different than he lived on an upper floor of an apartment and I was one level down. I reached my hand to grab his, pulling him to where I was. We kissed, then made love. We made love very, very often.

Only one line was left. I got up walking and glancing at different corners even though there was nothing to see: just air. Vishnu showed all over. Shortly, a diamond ring floated my direction.

"I don't want it," I said, pushing it away. It came back, but I pushed the sparkly ring from me; however, the round shiny thing returned.

"Is this a proposal? But we are already married."

The meditation scene switched to where I was sitting in meditation posture in a room, once I was finished with IV lines. Vishnu, Shiva and another deity (possibly Krishna) placed their hands on my body, as I sat in the middle, filling me with golden energy as if they were transferring their forces. The room glowed with brilliant golden light as they continued. Afterwards, I got up and left the room.

"She's a very powerful force, now," I heard one of them say.

The meditation scene changed. I toured my new abode before trying to fly up, but was blocked by glass. With another attempt to go through it transparently, it was similar to the last abode; I was unable to get by. I came back down, wanted to show Jesus my new place, so I called for him. He immediately came, toured it, then walked towards me.

"You really have ascended," he said, as if he was proud and in some way touched; then he left.

Lying in my room relaxing, Vishnu watched from his place.

"This is a really good arrangement, Vishnu: men on top, women at the bottom. Very nice," I said. This brought remembrance, everything happening here was the same as the physical world itself. There was no difference.

Curious, I stuck my head up to his residence and witnessed a breathtaking view. He saw this and pulled me up. His place was stunning, not too different from mine; but his had radiance, luminous golden suns beaming in both directions. After we made love, I didn't go back to my place. Soon, I was there regularly. We confessed our love to one another.

"Do you want me to move in? Are you ready?" I asked.

"Can you handle all of me?" he asked.

"Yes, it's all I ever wanted. It's why I'm here."

He and I lay in bed chatting, completely in love and truly I was taken by our affection. Another version of him talked to Krishna, sitting on a tree limb over the clouds, watching us and making comments like watching a movie.

"Can she handle him?" Vishnu asked Krishna. Immediately I appeared sitting next to Krishna.

"She can handle him just like the back of her hand," I said flipping my hand to show it. We sat observing Vishnu and I, lying in bed discussing about moving in together. Vishnu reached his hand over to touch mine behind Krishna's back. The Divine God left. The God of Maintainer and I gazed at how beautiful, awe breathtaking the lights of the suns were, right in front of us, before we made love.

Afterwards, I couldn't stop letting Vishnu know how completely, unendingly I was in love with him.

"I will say I love you eternally. It will never end, in endless ways I will express my love to you," I said.

Once more, this aided my remembrance that divine love, which neither ends nor begins, continues through eternity, and how men and women express love to one another in limitless ways. This love can never stop.

### Chapter 22

Once our love became comfortable, he wanted to start a family and have three kids. He wanted two boys and a girl.

"What about two girls and one boy?" I asked.

"No. Two boys and one girl," he said.

"Let me go see Brahma first. When I come back, we'll have a family," I said.

I searched for Brahma and found him on top of a building, viewing a metropolis. "Remind me. What else do I need to remember?" I asked.

"Look at yourself as Brahma and take yourself there. You're Brahma," he said.

"I still need to remember," I responded.

"Take yourself there," he insisted.

Momentarily I found myself under dark skies, dressed in a red skirt and a white hugging t-shirt, holding a white fabric with my black hair long to middle of my back. I was thin, tone and athletic. Many Gods were present, up in the air watching as I got ready to do something. Shortly, I performed some sort of dance with a fabric while a bull ran my way, and I tried to make the animal follow my cloth.

"What is she doing?" Krishna asked Vishnu.

They observed as I tried taming the animal with my dancing performance. My dancing skills were exceptional, able to arch my back, bending it gently with the fabric in my hand, and leading the bull behind, as it followed the cloth to the front. Then it went back to its turf, and I would do the dances under dark skies. This time when the bull approached, I sat in meditation, held out my hand, and touched the bull's face with my utmost love. It was able to feel my deepest, sincerest care, it stopped moving. Then it knelt.

"My love," I said. It shortly vanished. Vishnu reached down his hand to pull me to where he was. He leaned me onto his chest.

"You just touched it with your purest love," he said.

We rolled around. He was deeply moved by what I did. In a moment, he and I were back at our place. We already had two boys. We changed our home to a gold platinum building. Outside, we put in slides for kids to play, and the two magnificent suns still shimmered from both sides. Inside, the kids had bunk beds upstairs. He and I had our room downstairs. Now I addressed him as "honey."

We lived our lives as husband and wife, with kids. Later, I tried piloting an airplane, taking the family higher, or to another place for a vacation. Vishnu and the kids were in back seats, watching my attempt to operate the aircraft.

"Can mommy do it?" he asked the kids.

"Come on, Mom!" the kids shouted.

Something kept the plane from going up. Similar to before, I continued checking it again and again. It wasn't flying.

"Do you need help, honey?" he asked.

"Let me check again," I said. The airplane seemed to be stuck; I couldn't loosen it. Vishnu lifted his finger, sitting where he was, the plane ascended. The kids cheered.

"I told you I can do it," I said to him. We came to an area where laundry hung, drying over a city, although there wasn't much.

I still do laundry?

Later, I found myself at my station at night, a couple of levels up from where I was, looking at completely different galaxies than previous. The station was all rebuilt, much bigger with only a couple of telescopes to view. The galaxies were mixed with green/jade color and innumerable twinkling stars covering the entire space. It was breathtaking. Vishnu showed up as the entire Universe.

"Hi, honey," I said. "Are the kids in bed? I will be up soon."

He kept watching.

"Unless you want to come in here."

He came, so we made love and then went back to our abode lying in our bed.

"You're such a wonderful husband and father," I shared, touching his face.

In a while I saw myself about nine months pregnant, full term. It was hard to get around; he would rub my back, get the kids ready for school, prepare dinner, and put them to bed. When we lay in bed at night, I suggested for him to go and have a 'guys' night out with Krishna.

"Go and have fun. I can handle it. The kids are in bed now," I said.

He left to see Krishna, yet still watched me and the kids from where he was.

"Have fun, honey," I said when I saw this.

Not long, I gave birth to a baby girl.

"It's a princess!" I said.

"Yes, it is!" he said.

He invited everyone to welcome our newborn. Krishna came, serenading the baby with his flute. Hanuman, Ganesh, and many others attended, all dressed in their golden Godly outfits. I felt a bit left out; they were all Gods. Among them was Jesus. I was deeply happy to see him. We walked around as I held his hand, showing him what we had done for the kids. Then we stood, looking calmly at the metropolis.

"Thank you for coming. I can't believe you came. It means a lot," I said.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world. You did a nice job," he complimented.

"Thank you," I said.

"It's a beautiful creation," he said.

Beautiful creation? He doesn't mean. I paused.

When I turned around, everything was gone in a blink. I ran to where they all had been; no one was there. Everyone had vanished, including Jesus. The kids were gone, too. They weren't inside the house. The play was over, instantly.

Don't tell me I'm the only one standing here.

Glancing around, I saw Vishnu lying on his side in midair, with his hand supporting his head.

"Vishnu!" I said looking at him in disbelief. There was no more family. It was over for him, as well. Shortly I found myself sitting on a pink lotus flower seat, floating in the air. Since this was over, was the love still there with us? I closed my eyes to listen.

It's still there.

"I'm going to visit Quan Yin," I said flying through the clouds.

### Chapter 23

I walked into a misty lotus garden full of white lotus flowers with white swans swimming in a quiet, calming pond. She touched the lotus flower growing above water. Once I greeted her, I observed then touched the flowers.

"Beautiful abode," I told her.

"Thank you. How is Vishnu?" she asked.

"He's fine. We are a normal couple," I said.

We strolled about the peaceful garden, she said, "You still need to go see Brahma."

What? That formless guy told me to take myself there.

"Okay," I said.

I left and sought out Brahma. He waited on the roof inside a black helicopter.

"I'm here," I said as soon as I sat.

He was formless, and the helicopter took off. We came into a collapsing city. Buildings were crushed in pieces, they were being demolished entirely. Some of the buildings fell fast, and some were in the midst of falling.

What part of me is crumbling to make space to create?

"You're getting it quickly," he commented when he heard me. We toured for a bit, before finding myself elsewhere.

I was among people who sat around a bonfire in the dark. As the flames of fire lit, a woman emerged out of it, wearing a golden outfit and a crown. I felt a bit scared. She performed a little dance in the flame.

"Goddess of Death?" I said.

A sword appeared in her hand, she held it up. A blindfolded man was brought in front of her as a sacrifice. He was pushed down to his knees. He wore an off-white shirt and had brown hair down to his neck. The Goddess of Death was about to strike him with a sword, but I interrupted her by reaching my arm through the crowd, stopping the sword from touching him.

"Oh!" I heard from the crowd; they were surprised.

Despite my fear, I stepped forward.

"Who are you?" the Goddess asked.

"The Sustainer of Life," I answered instantly. "What's going on?"

"He's in too much pain and wants to end his life," she responded.

That was why she was going to kill him?

To unfold him, I crouched lower and looked at him intently, then said, "You cannot escape pain through death. You'll be back doing this again. You need to face it. Death doesn't give you an escape."

He pondered, and slowly got up, telling the Goddess he wanted to live.

"Let him live so he can give himself a chance to see how strong he could be," I said to the Goddess. She let him go. I made a bow, thanking her.

I left the place and found myself at a little creek surrounded by green, lush trees with gentle, sparkly water flowing easefully through the rocks. The soft clouds moved in the sky and the sun shone gently. It was perfect place for peaceful relaxation, so I lay relaxing. Even though I hadn't seen Vishnu for some time, there was no desire to find him. It wasn't inside to travel the universe searching for him like I did. Krishna showed in the sky. It brought a smile to my face to see the Divine God.

He came to lie nearby. We greeted each other before I lay in his arms. Momentarily, the God of Maintainer appeared. He came down and lay on my left side. I rolled into his arms. Krishna left. The love was there; however, we weren't all over one another. It switched to just complete love. He, of course, was the love of my life; I couldn't be without him.

Next, I was back with Brahma. The city was all destroyed, down to nothing.

"Make your grand design!" he said.

Grand design?

He left. I got a big, white paper out on the table inside a building where I worked as an architect, drawing what I wanted to create. Since I didn't know how to proceed, I just put whatever in the empty space: big and small buildings; another metropolis. Nevertheless, too many buildings were next to each other, with little room in between.

There needs to be space.

Pacing back and forth, I glanced outside again. Now the buildings had spaces between them. I smiled. Krishna showed up, transparent over the city.

Krishna.

He came to visit.

"Keep me company?" I said.

"It's why I'm here," he said.

Not too long, we were in bed talking, joking and laughing.

Can I make love to him?

However, I couldn't. Vishnu was my system, completely inside my core that was nearly impossible at this point, to be without him.

"Take me higher," I said.

The Maintainer came, and three of us hung out. When Krishna left, I was in Vishnu's arms, but we didn't make love, only held each other. Shortly, we found ourselves sitting on the clouds at night, watching Krishna holding my hand (another version of myself) walking up the stairs.

"Krishna is taking me higher," I said.

"Once you're there, I will do what is necessary," he responded.

The city I just created has to be about Krishna - The Divine Love.

"Is it okay if Krishna is around when you're not?" I asked. "I still have work to do here."

He agreed. Krishna would show up often, watching the newly-created city with me.

### Chapter 24

Later, I saw myself entering a dimly dark room and thought Krishna was Vishnu, couldn't tell the difference between them. Krishna (or Vishnu) sat in meditation wearing a golden crown and outfit.

"Vishnu?" I said.

"No, it's Krishna," he responded.

"No, it's Vishnu," I said, beginning to feel distraught and hoping it was him. Inside my whole was the God of Maintainer, the only air I breathed.

"Vishnu and I aren't too different," he replied.

Then there's no more Vishnu? I'm back with Krishna?

"Give me a moment, Krishna. I'm just taken aback," I said realizing that after Vishnu, I'd be back with Krishna as I knew before; but now I was deeply in love where I couldn't even take myself back. Not knowing how to let go of this love that was deeply inside my whole, I became emotional. Vishnu and I were profoundly, completely in love - the purest love I never knew; love that I couldn't even speak of. For all of me, I didn't know how to return to Krishna, the first husband. Holding myself in deep distress, as the agony seeping through, I rolled on the floor full of pain. If I was to be back with Krishna, I needed time to heal, yet I couldn't fathom myself without Vishnu. It was if I would die, buried in hurt and pain.

Krishna got up, carrying me into a room, and sat me on a white chair like one in a doctor's office, while I was emotionally distraught. Immediately I understood what he was about to do. He put on a gargle and held a scalpel in his hand, ready to cut me open.

"Gosh," I said. Maybe I need to get surgery to heal; get over Vishnu.

He took my shirt off, cutting from my chest down to my abdomen. Vishnu walked in briefly to hold my hand, and told Krishna to take care of it.

"Make her completely formless so she can be my wife completely," he said.

"Wait. Wasn't I already?" I said.

Inside, was a clear bag containing my inner organs: my intestines, lungs, liver, kidney and so on. He took out the bag, about to throw it in the garbage, but I took a scalpel from his hand and poked through the clear plastic. Blood dripped. My insides fell into the can. I watched. The thing was: I didn't want to turn away from anything. I would see it, watch it, and face it.

Momentarily I observed my transparent form: no face, no hands, no eyes and no ears, only clear outlines to show that it was me. We walked out of the room. Vishnu stood in a brilliant golden light reflecting far and wide as the Godhead, with endless forms on both sides. I wasn't sure if I saw a multi-headed serpent because I was astonished, falling on my knees, watching the indescribable manifestation. Being in the presence of his Universal form was unspeakable.

Thereafter, I stood wearing a scarf and blue stripe shirt (whatever I wore that day), standing as the Godhead in limitless forms in the ultra-brilliant, golden light beaming through the area.

"I'm the God of this universe! I'm God of this universe! The God of universe!" I repeatedly said.

Following it, a golden light displayed similar to a wormhole though it was bigger. I walked towards it, dove in and traveling through.

"She has no fear," one of them said.

I came out somewhere in cold winter as I, Krishna, Vishnu, and a couple of other deities waited. A brown wooden cottage was nearby.

"She's now completely the unborn," one of them said.

I opened my eyes, came out of meditation lying on my sister's sofa. The kids were a bit loud, running back and forth. Several visions occurred while I was there, yet couldn't focus and got distracted. Many hours of visiting my sister, I left.

Once home, I went upstairs, closed my eyes and saw my formless self, walking to Vishnu, who was sitting on a chair. You could tell it was me, but without my body. However, he had form: he was blue, with a bigger golden crown on his head. We hugged each other, but suddenly he became dazed and staring off into the distance.

"Oh, no! Does this mean he's going to die and I have to move on from here?" I said distraught.

He became very blank, not in the right state of mind. I sat watching him. We were on Earth, living in a small cramped apartment with an old refrigerator, table and chairs, only a little room to move around.

"I will be with you no matter what. I can't let go of you. I'm here for you, my love. I will never let go," I said. He stared lifelessly. Whether he was the Supreme God Vishnu, the Maintainer and Sustainer of the Universe, or a helpless being; my love for him didn't change a bit. It was the same: pure, untouched, and untainted. There was no difference.

Later, I took him for a leisure stroll, pointing to beautiful blue sky, birds, and trees nearby. Then we sat on the bench, enjoying the evening as I held his hand. He didn't say much. We returned back to the complex. He lay in bed. I was next to him until he unexpectedly died.

"No, no!" I screamed.

Suddenly I was in front of his body on a pyre, holding a torch at sunset, somewhere in countryside in an open, before burning his corpse. Krishna and Vishnu watched from way up, surpassing the clouds.

"Look at her Godly love," said Vishnu.

After that, I took his ashes to the water and tossed them in the air, observing as they fell into streams. I went to where he was beyond the clouds, reclining in his multi-headed serpent as the God of Maintainer. He was clear. I walked to hug him, but went through him, as I was see-through, with no form. He made himself to where I could lay on him.

"You shall be with me through this eternity," he said.

At night, after reflecting on my meditations, it seemed as though I didn't know how to accept that I was this Universe itself; that it was me all along, and didn't know what to do with the incomprehensible, complete love inside. As I gained remembrance and came to who I was, the relationship would change and unsure how to deal with it; let alone accept it.

"How do I accept all this? How do I do it? How do I accept all this?"

Not for certain how, I cried wiping tears in my room, before closing my eyes. It was though I couldn't end it and didn't know how to let go of Vishnu, getting over this love inside me, with him.

### Chapter 25

I strolled in the field with tall green grass, at sunset. He appeared in his brilliant golden light as Godhead, with endless forms emitting and shimmering in every direction.

"My love, my love," I said crying; then fell on my knees. "What do I do? What do I do? How I accept this and move on?"

It was as if I couldn't; and at that point, I'd die with this love inside me. A glistening shell or conch appeared lying on grass. I picked it up and blew into the conch a couple of times. He was gone, leaving me with this. On one hand, I held Vishnu's conch; and on the other, holding Krishna's flute walking and sobbing in green fields of grass. Water was up to my ankles.

I found more shells in water, so I gathered them in a bucket. These shells weren't like the first one. They weren't as big and white or shiny, nor did they have reams of gold like the one I held.

"How can I forget him if he's everywhere?" I cried.

Later on, I was at a village, standing on the side of the road giving out shells to whoever wanted them, with someone helping. We had a full table, asking whoever passed by if they wanted one. Once they were gone, near evening, I was by myself again with the golden conch and the golden platinum flute. I sat facing sunset filled with hurt, realizing I needed to accept it, although I didn't know how or if I could. I lay down weeping and holding myself not knowing what do, as if I couldn't carry on with such agony inside spreading all over. It seemed that I could only live and die in this love. Along the way, I was absorbed in this purest and incomprehensible love that I now became.

However, Vishnu and Krishna showed up in midair, watching me lying on the grass, full of tears gazing blankly at the sky. Vishnu made pink lotus flowers fall while Krishna played his flute. The calming sound of his music and the lotus flowers covering me was breathtaking, despite being in deep agony. I wasn't on grass anymore, but was above it on clear energy as the Gods serenaded, trying to lift my spirits. This made it impossible to go on seeing Vishnu, his presence added to my pain. And I curled up even more as painful energy creeping through, looking at him in tears and wanting him to be close. He came and held me.

"I don't know how to accept it. I don't know how to accept this. The dream is over for me, but I can't let you go. Why can't we have a family? Why did it end so quickly? I don't know how to let you go, my love. I can't," I said sobbing hard.

Then I put my head on his shoulder. The love with him was truly strong, immeasurable, and pure; where it knew no ending. It could never stop what was inside of me realizing how powerful this love was, or I would die. This love could only to go on, eternally.

He said something uplifting amid his arms wrapped around me.

"We can have a family, endless through this eternity; endless and never stop, you and me," he said stroking my hair consoling.

"Do you mean it? Do you mean it? Do you promise? Promise me," I said in tears, and hugged him tighter.

"There's nothing I couldn't or wouldn't do for you. There's nothing. I will go to the end for you," he said.

While hugging him, I cried even more, touched by his deep love.

"I remember. I remember. I remember this. I remember us. I can never forget. I have been here before. I have done this before," I said as remembrance came.

Why didn't I remember this before? Why? I was dreaming. I was dreaming while this union was always here all along. I remember.

It seemed I had to go to the deepest part of myself to regain conscious of who I was and how I came; what all this love, life, and existence was about, having families and children, marriages and unions, love words and phrases, the romance in movies, people holding hands, kissing and making love, families taking walks in woods, and so on. All this was us. This whole universe was the expression of this love, this union, this marriage, this oneness of the divine feminine and masculine energies that knew no end.

It never stopped because I didn't want it to. I couldn't and wouldn't, as I didn't know how; so I never ended. Where it started was where it never stopped. There was never anything else. I dreamed, I dreamed. I dreamed of love, of relationships, of marriages, of unions. I dreamed of love and live in love. All this was my dream; this whole universe.

Vishnu started kissing me and touched my face.

"Here? In this open area?" I asked, as we were about to make love.

Following this meditation, sometimes I found myself in different dimensions with him. Once we traveled to where people rode their horses in parades, and their skins were blue as if they were cartoons. We were among the crowd.

A couple times I was at the pace where I was, surrounded by tall green grass, paddling on a wooden raft as the sun was setting and recognized I was in the outskirts of Buddha Land, where I'd dumped the last load of conditions in the black plastic bag, then entered in the shiny land. With a smile, I shot up and watching the golden gleaming Buddha statues, free and joyful.

"She's back!" I heard.

Krishna, Buddha, and a few other deities were around on the long cushion-like, soft and fluffy clouds. Vishnu and I played catch. Our love was solid and everyone knew of it. We rolled around, laughing.

"Can't they get enough of each other?" one of Gods asked.

"I doubt it," another responded.

Next, I found myself in a front yard in the evening looking at someone through a window, in India. An Indian man with black mustache watched TV in a living room. I kept observing before recognizing him.

Brahma!

"What have you been up to?" I asked as soon as I entered.

"That wife of mine keeps piling up responsibilities on me. Taking care of the house, the kids, and who knows what?" he vented.

"Sounds stressful," I said smiling. Brahma was funny, blinking his eyes as he shared. We walked outside to talk.

"I want to show you something," I said. Vishnu watched us from up above.

"Does your husband always watch you?" he asked.

"Yes, he does," I replied with a big grin.

We went to my station which was expanded and rebuilt, with plenty of room and few telescopes and a TV. We looked out into the universe, but didn't see planets or globes like before; but spinning green orbits or nuclear generators, surrounded by jade energy.

"Nice!" he said. "What about the metropolis?"

"It's done. I named it The City of Divine Love. Krishna."

"And the one before that?" he continued.

"That's also done. I called it The Heart. City of Love and Compassion. Buddha."

He looked my way almost in tears; he was proud.

"I get it now. I get it," I told him.

He vanished, and I proceeded to look out into space, enjoying the universe.

While drinking my morning coffee, I reflected on the deepest, powerful love inside with much understanding that love couldn't die; it could only live on. Now I understood why and how it had happened: because I couldn't stop. It was impossible. I went to Vishnu conscious of why I was there, but hopelessly and blindly fell in the sincerest love and became it myself. I was this all along. Now I remembered.

Later in meditation, I stood observing the magnificent golden red sunset in the same place where I'd hugged Vishnu. The sun gently lowered calmly over green fields of grass.

"This life, this being-ness, this universe, this dream never stops. What perfection; such perfection. This is the grand design. My grand design," I said.

"Do you get it now?" Brahma asked when he arrived.

"I get it now. I remember," I replied. Then I hugged him. "I love you."

He and I were best of friends. We could have conversations about anything, staying up all night talking. On top of that, he was comical and made me laugh.

### Chapter 26

Santi had a long weekend; we made plans to meet up with my friend and her daughter for fun activities. First we went to the mall. I saw a lady with three kids hanging around her. It put a smile on my face. The more I reflected on what I remembered through meditations, the more I came to accept what was going on, though it was hard because once I accepted it as well as understood and remembered it, I'd move on and the segment would come to close; which meant that Vishnu wouldn't appear as much.

Afterwards, we went to outdoor playgrounds, not too far from the shopping place. Santi and his friend played. Meanwhile I reminisced about my relationship with Vishnu: how we first met, when we got married, our quarrel, his love for me, and my love for him. The more I thought about how truly impossible I was to be separated from him, the more I came to accept that I was he, and couldn't be separated from myself. He was deeply inside, the breath I breathed.

Next, we went to a different place so the kids could play more: an indoor playground, since it was cold and windy outside. When I saw a woman who was pregnant chasing after her child, I beamed.

Love never stops.

As the day went by, I began feeling a bit sad. It felt I was now grieving over the relationship, as if I was moving on. As I came to accept and remember, things would change, which no doubt brought sadness and hurt. Throughout the day, a vision of myself sitting on a balcony with a room next to it, beyond the clouds, playing flute, surfaced. Shiva appeared, watching.

"My love," I said touching his face then leaned on him distressed inside. Then I told him that I'd moved on with Vishnu, and he was happy for me.

By dinner time, I was physically exhausted from the ongoing meditations and remembrance and lack of sleep. In addition, I tried to let go, thinking it was going to end with Vishnu. Once I showered, I went to lie down in bed needing time alone, so Sean spent time with Santi. It was though now I was on my own.

When I closed my eyes, I was back sitting on the balcony, feeling down. However, a lady appeared, sitting with one leg down and one up inside the room in the air. She might be a Goddess, although I wasn't sure. She was almost like a statue of copper-tone color. She didn't say anything, so I continued playing my flute. Before playing it again, I keenly observed the musical tool. The instrument was completely golden. Her image moved about in the ceiling, I watched. Energy came out like flames in circles. I flew up and immersed myself in it. Afterwards, I wasn't sure what it was all about.

I continued playing the instrument and grieving. Krishna showed up. He had something in his hand, long like a feather. Curious, I grabbed it from him.

"What is this?" I asked.

He didn't answer, it looked like a pen. A few white papers appeared.

"Rewrite," he suggested.

"Rewrite what? My whole book, over? No, that's not what he meant."

Holding the feathered pen in my hand with a smile because like a high school girl. I was going to write 'I love Vishnu'. In a big bold letter, I wrote 'I' in black ink and drew a heart. I ❤ and couldn't write anything else. Then I wrote it again I ❤, and once more nothing else came up. Suddenly I almost burst into tears, understanding I couldn't write anything else all because this was who I was, now. Before, I didn't have a description or detail, and didn't really have words to describe. I was just empty air. Now I came to just: I ❤ and nothing more.

"I can't write anything else but this," I said.

"That is enough," he responded.

Since I was down, Krishna would show up consistently, spending time to lift my low mood by playing his flute. I began to notice his love again, and wanted to ask how deep his love was. But how could I even question his love? There was no doubt that it was.

"How deep is your love for me?" I asked nonetheless.

"It's bottomless," he replied.

Bottomless.

Abruptly we were above the clouds, the abode where Vishnu and I had a family, with long, soft fluffy clouds and light. There were no suns, platinum buildings or slides for kids. I lay against Krishna's chest knitting, starting to be comfortable with his love, where I would be open to be with him again. If it was going to be him, so be it. It could be I was on a rebound from Vishnu, finding comfort in Krishna. However, I wasn't sure why I was knitting; it was relaxing.

"Take me higher," I said.

"Are you ready?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied. At this point, there was nothing to lose. The only thing I had was grieving over my relationship with the God of Maintainer.

Once finished, I said suddenly, "This is our baby's blanket, Krishna! I want to have a girl."

"You shall have whatever you wish," he said. His comment brightened my spirit just a bit.

A baby appeared, wrapped in a blanket I'd just made, in a crib. After holding the baby briefly, I placed the newborn back into the crib. Soon, though, there was no baby. It was clear. There was nothing.

Maybe it's in clear energy that can't be seen.

"Are you ready?" Krishna asked.

"No. No one is taking care of the baby. I can't just leave it," I said.

Momentarily, Hanuman and Ganesh came.

"They will take care of the baby," he said.

We walked up the steps, holding hands. Krishna was full blown Krishna, in golden garments and wearing his gold crown. He made golden energy rings circling us, to cheer me up. We came to a metal bridge where the three of us, Vishnu, Krishna and myself had crossed. Soon we entered into my station and saw Vishnu. I burst into tears, realizing how deeply I'd missed him. However, it seemed our relationship was done. The only thing I had to do was get over it. To see if he still loved and missed me, I tried gazing into his eyes, but he swiftly took Krishna to the other side of the room, not giving me any chance.

"We must do what is necessary," he said. They were up to something.

Whatever they were going to do, I had no qualms; nothing to lose. Grieving was the only thing left. They spun my naked body around before dipping me into hot water, like they were frying food. They pulled me up, chopped my body into parts, and dumped them into the boiling pan. Not long, I came out and walked inside my station. They followed, putting up plastic curtain on the wall. It looked like I was going to get murdered.

"Throw a knife at her. Get her out of her flesh completely," he said to Krishna as I was tied to the wall.

Krishna threw the blade at me, though only little blood came out.

"Looks like she's already out," he said.

I was already transparent, formless and limitless as the universe see-through.

"Yes, I am," I said.

They turned around and saw another version of myself sitting in the air transparent, while I was also the whole planet, unseen. Vishnu couldn't keep his eyes away.

"You still love her," Krishna said to him. Vishnu stared, unblinking.

"How could I ever forget," he mumbled.

I got up, strolling into the street formless towering over the entire city. I couldn't be seen, yet nowhere and everywhere. Vishnu came to hold my hand.

"I'm on my own. I stand alone," I said.

He let go, and I continued. No one could see me, though I could see everyone and everything, clearly. People came out of restaurants and cafes, getting into taxis and waiting in lines. It must've just stopped raining because the streets were wet. Then I was away from the city and found myself where I had been, in the open area with light poles. This time, I grinned instead of wondering what was going whereas sitting in meditation.

"Brahma," I heard.

Continued sitting, I saw heads bow.

"Brahma! Brahma!" they all said together.

Sitting calmly as the Creator, I smiled grasping what Vishnu and Krishna had done. Those two guys.

My broken heart over the relationship was clear. Momentarily I walked to the abode, and saw a side profile of Vishnu. He was playing flute. Quietly I stood watching him. The love we shared emerged like how it had been. He turned my way.

"You're here," he said. Unable to believe he was there, I went over to lean on him.

"I love you so much," I said, deeply touched by his love. We kissed. Then I stopped and touched his face, realizing he didn't show up because he wanted me to focus in order to come to who I was. It was great love, what he did.

"Thank you so much, my love," I said.

"There's nothing I wouldn't do for you," he shared.

Krishna showed up, standing distance away while Vishnu and I kissed.

"I will be right back. There's something I must do," I said, even though it was hard to get away from the affection.

"Go to him," he said.

I walked towards Krishna, looking at him as if I was at a loss for words to express how deeply I appreciated him and what he had done, as well as his love. I dropped down on my knees, with tears.

"Your love is truly bottomless, my love. Nothing can compare. It is so absolute, Krishna. I thank you."

He turned into brilliant golden energy, shiny and gleaming. It was deeply breathtaking that I couldn't keep my eyes off of it and stood erect, staring at glowing golden light as if I couldn't even move, or make a sound. Suddenly in a flash, he vanished, my mouth dropped.

"Krishna! Krishna! Krishna!" I yelled.

Immediately I was deeply incomplete. My heart fell into the abyss of pain, like death took over.

"Oh my God," I said rubbing my chest. "I can't live without him, either. I can't be without him."

Slowly, I turned around about to let Vishnu know, but saw the two Gods sat laughing, eating apples.

"She thought you were gone," Vishnu said.

And they just kept on smiling and chuckling while I was in disbelief. I ran to them.

"You guys tricked me again!" I shouted.

I chased them all over, throwing pillows at them. Vishnu got ahold of my hand and held me close. Krishna left.

"We have to visit Krishna sometimes. We aren't complete without him," I said.

"Neither is he without us," he said. "Now, where were we?"

### Chapter 27

In the morning when I woke up, I missed Krishna, so Santi was allowed to watch his TV shows. My eyes were shut searching for the Divine God.

"Krishna! Krishna!"

I went to where he would be, at my station, before heading to the sea, but couldn't find him. A multi-headed serpent was there. It didn't know where Krishna was either, though the big snake followed where ever I went.

Where can he be? Usually he would show up by now.

I was back at the abode. Now the buildings and skyscrapers were tall and glossy, reaching all the way up touching the clouds. When I sat down, the many-headed serpent came from behind, covering me like an umbrella. Then I lay down on my side with my hand supporting my head, until Krishna appeared.

"I can take it from here," he told the serpent.

"I looked everywhere for you. I miss you so much," I said.

He leaned forward; we kissed, touching each other's faces.

"Make love to me," I said.

"I want to show you my creation," I said later, leading him by the hand, pointing to each building I'd created. It was a metropolis up in heaven, with clear clouds all around and light reflecting, making it sparkling. There was no bottom. Amidst showing him, I added more to blue glass buildings.

"You create, now," he said.

"Yes," I responded.

A lightning strike flashed, not far. Lord only knew why, I soared into it and sat until the lightning stopped, and came out looking like I'd seen a ghost, my hair puffed up all over and my face smeared with smoke. A plastic tube suddenly emerged.

"Go through it," he said.

Another version of myself appeared to watch with Krishna. However, the coat I had been wearing was going through the tube, as well. It was in front, blocking me from sliding. Despite making many attempts to push it forward, I couldn't. The version of me with Krishna saw this and stood up. She was concerned, I had a hard time.

"Do you trust me?" Krishna asked.

"There's no doubt," she answered and sat back down.

They watched as I struggled to get pass. The gray winter jacket wouldn't budge. Bit by bit, I pushed. It gradually moved just enough, each time. Once, nearing the top, another version of myself (who had been electrocuted by lightning, her face smeared) pulled the jacket out, then grabbed my hand, helping me up. Once I got out, about a hundred versions of me that was struck by lightning showed up on the roof, standing in rows while Krishna and another of myself (who wasn't electrically shocked) observed.

Moments later, the Incredible Hulk appeared in his biggest form, taking over the city and smashing down buildings and skyscrapers. Pretty much everything I'd created. My mouth fell in disbelief, I was going to stop him, but Krishna held me back. Hulk was incredibly enormous, unsure how I was going to hold him off. Nonetheless, I was going try, yet Krishna asked me to wait. By the time the green, giant man was about done, and I couldn't hold back anymore; I charged in front of him, shouting for him to halt. The whole city was fully destroyed, and I became highly upset that I turned completely formless and became immensely big, where Hulk only looked like an ant in my pocket.

"No one! No one destroy my creation!" I yelled.

I grabbed Hulk. He was scared.

"You're in my palm, now," I said putting him in my pocket. The buildings were rebuilt, although they weren't how they had been, bottomless reaching the clouds and skies. Instead, they were very similar to many buildings on ground.

Momentarily, Vishnu showed high up in the air, on a white horse holding a trishul. The sky turned dark and lightning flashed far and wide, as if it was a battleground.

Vishnu, my love. Why does he have a trishul? Is this war? But there's no war inside me. What's going on?"

"Show me what you've got!" he shouted, pointing the trishul at me.

"What? My love," I said. "How could I fight him, since I love him so completely?"

"Show me what you've got!" he shouted again.

"He's training her," Krishna said to my other version. I understood immediately and smiled, flying up to where he was.

"Come and get me!" I yelled.

I flew back to the abode, standing on the clouds waiting to see what he was going to do. He stood a far distance with a golden disc spinning on his index finger.

"I have that, too," I said.

The disc spun around my finger; however, mine was gold platinum and it was bigger. It spun slower. I noticed my finger was now plastic; which was okay. It wouldn't become sore from the spinning weapon like last time. He threw the disc my way. I released my mine to stop his. Although my disc wasn't shiny gold, and it didn't spin as fast, it stopped his for a long time. A bit pumped, I started laughing.

"Ha!"

While mine pushed on his, stopping it, I shouted loudly: "Vishnu! If you want me, come and get me!"

I flew elsewhere, but witnessed Krishna with another version of myself next to him, she soon vanished. Then he and Vishnu were together on white horses on land, they'd teamed up.

"What?" I said when I saw this. I turned formless again, making myself enormous towering over the entire atmosphere.

"She's getting very powerful. She's turning into Brahma," Krishna said.

Immediately I made an ocean appear, to create monstrous waves to wipe them out. They fell off their horses onto the ground.

"Absorb the ocean!" Vishnu told Krishna. Krishna stuck out his hand to diminish it, but I kept pushing his energy back, stopping him from dissipating it.

"The ocean is hers," he said afterwards. The deep-sea was still intact.

Shiva came, holding his trishul. The three of them stood next to each other. Quickly, I pounded on the ground; the entire place shook. The ground split, causing a major earthquake. They couldn't stand steady and shot up in the air. I laughed loudly again.

"Shiva, Krishna, Vishnu, come to me at once!" I shouted and laughing tilting my head back.

Suddenly they were gone. Not knowing where they went, I looked around. Just moments later, they turned into one force. There was no ground, no sky, and no clouds except for a force as big as the whole universe itself, in gray air, as if the entire planet was moving and coming towards me.

"Oh, shit! What did I just ask for? They are going to absorb me," I said, a bit concerned.

I kept expanding even bigger, but the whole universe was heading my way. You could say I was a size of a country; a speck going against the whole planet.

"What do I do? What do I do? What's Vishnu's weakness? What is Vishnu's weakness? It's me, but I can't make waves or create lightning or earthquakes. They won't do anything."

They came closer, and I plunged forward, giving it all I had, crashing against the powerful force as if I was running into a Great Wall of China. Just as quickly, I was knocked backwards, switching back to my form and falling from high up all the way down, though it was bottomless. However, I wasn't going to stop myself, wanting to see what Vishnu was going to do. If a ground appeared, I was going to let it be.

"She's falling!" he said.

"She can handle herself!" Krishna told him, as they sat on white horses.

"She's falling!" Vishnu said again, and got off his horse, flying to where I was and holding me in his arms.

"Were you going to let me fall?" I asked.

"Never," he answered. He flew us back to our abode and lay me down on the cloud.

"I love you so much," I said.

"You did well," he said, touching my face.

We kissed and rolled around.

"Looks like the training is over for now," I heard from either Shiva or Krishna.

After we made love, I wasn't feeling as great. The three of them really came at me, even though I'd asked them to.

"The training is to bring out the strengths you never knew unimaginable," the God of Maintainer explained.

Just like how I came to love that is bottomless and purest.

"Exactly," he agreed. "We came to you at once because you have no fear. When there's no fear, there's no limit. When you are surrounded, you either can surrender or unleash."

I can only unleash.

"I will do it, but I don't want you to be involved. It will only distract me. Send someone else to take your place," I said. Send all of them. Wait. I'm not ready for that yet.

"I will send Rama," he replied.

"Who's that? I don't know him; send some else," I said.

"Hanuman?" he said.

"Okay, but we're buddies," I replied.

"He'll do what's necessary," he said.

Now it was me going head to head with Krishna, Shiva, and Hanuman. Then I kept seeing another version of myself standing next to Krishna. Vishnu saw this and said, "You're not complete without Krishna, and neither is he."

"When I'm with him?" I asked.

"You're with him completely," he said.

"And when I'm with you?" I continued.

"You're with me completely," he answered.

To get ready for the training, I got my bow and arrows in a quiver, and a trishul, golden platinum disc, shell, and golden flute ready in a cloth bag. By now, I had almost all of the Gods' weapons. The ones I knew how to use most were the trishul, flute and King (king cobra), but he wasn't fit for this situation. I went to where we were beforehand, in the sky with some dark clouds. They waited.

"What's Krishna's weakness? What is his weakness?" I beamed and said, "It's me."

Even so, I wouldn't use this because I wouldn't get anything out of it.

"I'm ready!" I said as soon as I arrived.

Hanuman was about to shoot his arrows, but Krishna held up his hand to halt him.

"She's planning," he said watching me walk back and forth, coming up with methods to handle them. As soon as I heard him, I understood it; though the thing was - I couldn't remember anything from my plans, as I couldn't remember them to begin with. There was no attachment to my thoughts, as though they were wind brushing on my skin. The only thing that was me was what purely and instantly came, at the moment.

Hanuman shot at least ten wooden arrows quickly, one by one, as if they were coming at once while I sat in meditation, transforming into formless Buddha. Didn't realize I had turned into Buddha until I lifted my palm, changing the arrows into white flowers. Another ten came, similarly I held up my hand and transforming them into red hearts with some sparkles as though they were Valentine's hearts. He released more arrows, this time I stopped them in midair and made little yellow birds appear to stand on those arrows until they fell onto the ground.

It was Shiva's turn; he stood with a trishul in his hand. I transformed into Shiva, standing tall and muscular with a white crescent moon on my matted hair, with king cobras wrapped around my neck and both of my arms and wore tiger skin. When he was about to lift his trishul, I was about to lift mine. When he let his trident down, I let mine drop at the same time, causing earthquakes. He flew up in midair; I did the same.

Hanuman reported to Vishnu on what had happened.

"She turned my arrows into something else: flowers, hearts, and spring birds standing on them."

"And Shiva?" asked Vishnu.

"They were identical. Nothing was done. Whatever he did, she did."

"She's Shiva all right. Put forth your strongest weapons," said Vishnu. His comment invoked something inside; he was trying to tell something; however, I can't elaborate precisely, yet surprised he called or saw me as "Shiva."

"At your wife, Sir?" asked Hanuman. Vishnu was quiet.

Hanuman returned, shooting his strongest golden arrow. It came at an incredibly fast speed.

"I can stop it with my purest love," I said sitting as Buddha.

When it came closer, I stopped the sharp golden object with my untouched affection. It dropped on the ground. Another came. I let it go through as I sat, calmly becoming clear and transparent.

"It's no use, Sir. You need to go see it," Hanuman told Vishnu afterwards.

"She asked me not to interfere," he replied. "And Krishna?"

"It's his turn now," Hanuman answered.

"Send Rama to Krishna," he told Hanuman.

"Sir, these two are super power!"

"Let's see what she does," he said.

Rama (the seventh avatar of Vishnu) came, riding on a white horse and looking similar to Krishna or Vishnu, with his arrows in a quiver holding a bow. He seemed a bit younger. After Hanuman mentioned they were powerful, I began to have doubts.

Krishna took out his flute to play. I took out mine and played. His golden energy made its way. My energy met his halfway. Nonetheless, his energy kept pushing mine towards my way, while I kept playing relentlessly, trying to push his toward him; but his powerful energy kept coming closer. Soon I was getting weary, playing the instrument slowly.

"She's getting tired," Rama said.

"Is there such thing?" Krishna said. That reminder was all that was needed.

"There's no such thing!" I shouted, bouncing back and making a golden flute bigger. The sound was strong now, pushing Krishna's energy back.

"That's it!" Krishna said. Quickly Rama stepped in, it caught me off guard. He shot his arrow at the fastest speed, hitting me in the chest, and I fell backwards like a bird from the sky. I came out of my form, transparent and see-through.

"Turn into golden energy and immerse into mine! Combine our forces as one!" Krishna shouted.

I sat in meditation, turning myself into golden energy. Once I expanded, I went inside Krishna's brilliant, luminous, immaculate energy.

Wow! He's complete, pure power.

Rama's energy was the same, but I wasn't sure how to immerse myself in it, wasn't too comfortable with him yet. While sitting in this golden untouched light, Krishna entered. I smiled. Now we sat face to face as our energies merged as one. He looked at me for a bit before leaning over to kiss my lips.

"My love," I said.

"Krishna! Come out of there!" Rama yelled. Krishna didn't respond. "The training is over."

"Thank you for your help," I said lying in his arms.

"You did well," he said.

He then vanished. When I got up, Vishnu plus his many avatars were on their white horses in the sky standing a good distance away. I looked at him deeply soft, wanting to cry.

My love, I'm not sure I'm ready for this.

Vishnu was my complete and utmost love and was ready to come at me. It wasn't just that he was my husband; but going head to head with him was another thing. He was supreme power, as well.

"You need to try. You never know your own strength if you don't try," he said.

This time, instead of turning clear and formless, I turned into golden energy, bigger than before. Vishnu's avatars shot their weapons, but I blocked them using the golden energy as a shield. Some of the weapons went through it, but this didn't hurt me as I sat untouched. Then I made it much stronger, to where nothing could get through and continued expanding it.

"She's getting bigger! She's getting it quickly," said one of the avatars.

As my energy spread, Vishnu came inside it while I sat in meditation. He had his golden disc with him, spinning around his finger. I brought out mine, but it turned into a brown cloth instead, spun flat on my finger. He let go of the disc. It instantly cut my head off.

"I don't have a head! There's no me!" I shouted seeing my head fell off, as I became transparent coming out from the body. He took out his golden sword and cut my body in half.

"There's no body!" I shouted. He left the golden circle.

"When you're ready, you can turn everything into golden energy. Combine yours with mine. Turn this whole universe into one. Nothing can stop you then. All is on your side. When you're ready! It's when you're ready!" he shouted.

"I'm ready now!" I yelled.

I continued growing, transmuted everything into golden light and combining my energy with Vishnu's. As I kept getting bigger before I was everywhere, I became a bit anxious, wasn't sure if I could expand anymore, and took some deep breaths.

"There's no limit. There's no limit. There's no limit to anything," I said taking deep breaths as I continued and repeating as I got more anxious.

"There's no limit. There's no limit."

During the process, I sighted two golden nuclear plants, and flew right into one of them, then sat still until both exploded, blasting golden light everywhere. Momentarily Vishnu walked in, as I lay sideway in this radiant light gold air.

"You did well," he said leaning forward for a kiss. We made love, too.

### Chapter 28

Every day and every minute of my life, I was so consumed by this love I came to, the love for Vishnu and Krishna, that I hardly had relationships outside of this. Everything changed, which I couldn't truly define in language. Now, when I saw people, they aren't people anymore, but conscious energy with nowhere to go except here, now - eternally. There didn't seem to be anything else but consciousness itself. There was no death or dying, or even sorrow.

Sometimes I didn't know how to accept the energy of pure love that transpired. Periodically, I'd say: "I can only accept it. There's nothing else. I can only accept it."

This love could only continue eternally, I couldn't be separated from Vishnu and Krishna because I was who they were, and they were who I was.

In meditation, I was up in the cottony clouds, in the abode, kissing Vishnu.

"Can we go make love in our serpent?" I asked. He held me by the waist, flying us there. Our energies intertwined, immersing together as one.

"I want to be with you completely," I said. At this point, my veins, vessels, blood, and my entirety belonged to Vishnu, unable to fathom being without him. It was love that paralyzed me down to my knees; as though I could only die in it, hopelessly. However, he left afterwards, and couldn't be found anywhere.

Shortly, I strolled along the beach, not doing much before ending up in my abode and not doing anything, either sitting or walking around. I made my computer appear, to write then took a shower; did little gardening, and then a made a bed appear. With the buildings I'd created, I made rooms inside them similar to hotel suites. Then, I put few people there, enjoying themselves out in their balconies. They waved when they saw me.

The two Gods watched up somewhere. Krishna urged Vishnu to go to me.

"She needs to be with herself for a while," he told Krishna.

"Do you want to be down on your knees again?" Krishna asked, which I couldn't say any better. It brought a smile to my face hearing it. Then, I made a dog appear, walking it around the clouds. We sat and I petted it.

Later, I found myself walking along the beach again, where Vishnu told me to heal drowning men. I went for a swim, then sat on the rock before seeing myself turning into a mermaid and flipping my tail. I dove into the ocean, then came back to sit on the rock, turning over so Vishnu could see how toned and tight my butt was, since he was watching beyond the clouds. Somehow, this didn't do anything to provoke his interest.

Maybe, I should make myself look sexy. So I grew out my hair. It was lengthy, passing my shoulders with an athletic, toned body and a gorgeous, flawless complexion, strolling as my skirt flowed by soft wind. With a white tank top on to enhance my tan radiant skin, he didn't care. Looking physically beautiful didn't mean much to him, which I already knew although I still tried.

I took my clothes off and went for a swim in the ocean naked under the moonlight, nonetheless this didn't entice him. However, when I walked out of the water, my energy showed. It was completely clear, shiny and sparkly like diamond this time. He came in a split second. We kissed passionately, and made love above the sea.

"I want to be with you completely," I said afterwards. Once more, he walked away. "I want your all, completely!"

An image of my late father sitting in a wheelchair surfaced in my sister's house, and I walked toward him to let him know how truly I appreciated him with my all. He helped me see who I truly was: the good, the bad, and everything in between. Deeply, I appreciated his great love. Not believing in myself was something I had learned and now I needed to face it again, accepting it, so I could unlearn it and let it go. Now I understood why Vishnu had left me alone. A few times he had led me to my deceased father in his new life, since I was concerned about how he was doing after he died.

"Enjoy your new adventure. Best wishes," I said when I saw him in his new life, still a baby.

Then I was back on the beach, strolling, reflecting, and throwing rocks into the ocean. My Dad passed not too long ago, yet I hadn't really fully allowed myself to accept that he was gone: at least, not entirely.

I need to visit his gravesite.

Shortly, I found myself sitting between my mom and dad's graves. They weren't too far apart. I played my flute, especially to my father, completely wishing him farewell and thanking him for everything. From the smallest to the biggest things, I could never forget his love. He shall be in my heart through this eternity, and I realized how beautiful and amazing he was for playing his part as my father, as I couldn't have asked for a better dad.

Then I was back, walking along the beach again. This time I made a hammock appear and relaxed in it. The beach was surrounded by green trees. A pen and paper came to my hand and wrote, I ❤ putting it in a bottle and tossing it into the sea. Vishnu saw it; he picked it up from his abode and read. He smiled. He wrote something, placed it in a bottle, and sent it back. They were blank, straight lines in bold black ink, when I opened it.

"What is this?" I said.

"I don't know how to get through to her," he said to Krishna. He wrote again and sent it. It was the same.

"What the heck?" I said. Maybe I should wet it in the water and see.

The lines faded, a big heart emerged. It made me smile. No I, just ❤.

### Chapter 29

I was lying around with nothing to do, so I built sand castles, threw rocks until I heard, "La!"

"Yeah!" I responded shooting up to the abode. No one was there. I sat on a beach chair, understanding I was now on my own. I wasn't called Vishnu, Krishna, Brahma, or Shiva; but now La. It was a bit awkward, but that was the name I took. While sitting on the chair, Vishnu and Krishna headed my way. They dressed in Indian menswear - fancy and elegant, as if they were going to weddings.

I got up and went to greet the Gods. A carriage arrived. We all got in. I sat in the middle of them.

"Am I going to marry them both? But I already married them already."

Suddenly I was in an Indian traditional red saree wedding dress, with beautiful golden earrings on my ears, nose, and arms, and gold bracelets on my wrists. Krishna left. It was just Vishnu and I, arriving to the wedding in a big room decorated with red and white, short and long, flower necklaces on the walls. Many guests attended, although I didn't know any of them. We were on Earth, having a normal wedding. He went around shaking the hands of those who came, before we sat next to each other, as guests threw flowers at us saying "Congratulations."

We stood facing each other in front of the guests. He said, "I will marry you over and over again, for you to be with me."

I leaned over to hug him, accepting his deep affection in disbelief of how immeasurable his love was. On our way back, I had my head on his shoulder the entire time, melting deeply into this love as my whole entirety was taken over by it; as if I could only live and die in it.

We were in a normal room which was supposed to be where we resided. After we made love, he walked out. The honeymoon seemed to be over. He sat on his throne watching earthly beings. Didn't even notice, when I sat by him, no different from when husbands watched football games and forgot they had wives. Moments later, I went back to the old abode, sat in a chair looking at the buildings and thought maybe I should create more, so I added extra rooms, stairs, and balconies.

"How about that one? Do you want our kid to look like that one?" he shouted.

That's what he was doing? "I want to create my own. Make our own kids," I said when he arrived.

Not much later, I was pregnant. My stomach wasn't big right away, gradually got bigger.

"Should we call Krishna?" I asked soaking in the sun. He agreed.

Krishna came, talking to me as I lay on a chair pregnant. I held his hand and gazed at him, missing him deeply and realizing I was still truly in love with him, but now I was having a family with Vishnu.

"You'll always be my love," I said about to cry, trying to get ahold of myself. "What about being a Godfather to our child?"

I gave birth to a boy, and was breastfeeding the baby. Somehow the God of Maintainer found it to be beautiful, the way I cared for our child. He was very attentive to the baby and myself. Once the baby grew a bit bigger, I became pregnant again. The pregnancy progressed naturally, just like the first.

I came out of meditation to go put Santi to bed. Waiting for him to fall asleep, I reflected.

Had I stretched time now, since the first family was like a blink of an eye and it was gone? Now it seemed like it was going slower. Do I do this to make life last longer?

In the physical life, there was time when we went back to Earth to get married. In heaven, there was no time. Things happened instantly.

### Chapter 30

In the next meditation, I was with Vishnu; however, our kids weren't with us. We were in a mirror room where Krishna and I had been a couple of times, although the room had changed to just a regular mirror room. Unsure why I was there, and then I was in another room with a few other people; one of which was one of my favorite singers. Vishnu was present, but he looked a little different and had a different outfit on: red mixed with some gold. It could be Lakshmi, though I wasn't completely sure; and on top of this, I couldn't accept that at the moment (if it was she) because I would be jealous in some way.

The singer headed somewhere, I followed him. He kept going down the stairs, instantly I understood. I was going down to my subconscious. We kept going until we came into a room with a multi-headed serpent.

"Unleash it!" I said.

We released the serpent; it shot out of the room. I undid whatever was there.

"I want no more hiding. Everything needs to come out!"

I kept opening boxes, drawers, and whatever was around despite all the boxes were already opened.

Then I saw a room where Vishnu and I had unlocked drawers, unleashing everything, including the chakras, I entered. It was in the same shape: messy, like how we'd left it. Vishnu (or Lakshmi) was there, but I kept calling her Vishnu because I couldn't truly tell the difference, or didn't want accept that she was Lakshmi. There wasn't anything that needed to undo, so I thanked her and made a bow, acknowledging who she was.

"Goddess," I said about to walk out, but an image of her and Vishnu getting married and feeding each other food, came. Many emotions surfaced abruptly, as I'd just had a big slap in the face that she was his wife, not me. Highly and deeply disturbed I became.

"No! No! No! It's me! I am. I am. I am. I am. It's me. I am. I am! I am!" I screamed then rushed out of the room and ran up the stairs.

"No! No! No! I am. I am. I am. I am."

I continued saying this about hundred times walking the street, petrified, at night, crying and holding my chest saying, "I am. I am. I am. It's me, I am. I am."

I went into the street staggering, dropping down in the middle of the road and weeping in deep pain. Cars and trucks drove over, but they didn't hit me as I lay in the middle facing up. Krishna appeared over the city, so I yelled out his name, asking him to come get me, but he didn't show.

"I'm alone. I'm on my own. I'm alone. I stand alone."

After the cars were gone, I picked myself up and strolled on the sidewalk in tears. People treaded by watching me hurt, lost and in despair, wearing my purple, black and white checkered shorts and white t-shirt. Slowly I walked saying, "I am. I am. I am. It's me, I am. I'm on my own. I'm alone."

It started raining. I headed into an alley by garbage cans, trying to play the flute in my hand and sobbing uncontrollably that I couldn't even play.

"Krishna! Krishna! Please come and get me!"

I sat during the rain, saying: "I am. I am. I am. It's me. I am. I am."

I wasn't in the right functionality, and proceeded staring off in the distance. Now there was no association as to why I said "I am." I just said it repetitively, almost unable to stop. It wasn't relating to being Vishnu's wife. It seemed to be something else entirely, though I thought nothing of it, as if I had let myself go and was completely out of it, in a state of disturbance, holding myself and repeating the same thing over and over.

Then I got up and strolled along the streets repeating, "I am. I am. I'm on my own. I'm alone. I stand alone. It's me. I am. I am. I am," like a mantra and went into another alley, falling on wet dirt. Vishnu and Krishna saw this up where they were.

"She's in shock," Vishnu said, as he was unsettled, pacing back and forth.

I didn't pick myself up this time, but curled into a fetal position saying the same, similar to a patient at a psych hospital. By now my face, hair, and clothes were covered with dirt and rain. Many people walked by seeing me lying down and saying redundantly. Then I heard Krishna telling Vishnu to leave me alone, Vishnu wanted to come get me. Shortly, the Maintainer came and took me into a room. He gave me bath, wetting my hair and entire body as I sat staring lifelessly into the distance saying, "I am. I am. It's me, I am. I am."

He lifted me from the bathtub, dried my body, and combed my hair. He had me face a mirror. I couldn't see myself, but saw his image, though it was just air. When I was about to touch him, I couldn't. He was gone. Then I touched my body, realizing I was still in my physical form, although I was very thin; almost down to nothing.

I broke down in tears, lying on the bathroom floor.

"How am I supposed to be here when he's already gone? How? How? I'm alone, I'm on my own. I stand alone. I am. I am. I am."

I continued repeating this nonstop, stone-faced in the bathroom. He came back, lifted me up, and put me in bed, stroking my hair. It didn't matter if he was there; I was in a state of shock and his presence didn't pacify the wreckage inside. Krishna told him to let me be; he left. After repeating expressionlessly for some time, I left the room and into the street.

"I'm on my own. There's no one else, nothing else. I'm alone. There's no one else, nothing else. I am. I am."

Soon, I was where I sat as Brahma; but it wasn't the same, all in the past, as well as the abode. Looking at the buildings I'd created, I said, "I don't want to be in the same places anymore!"

This brought more heartache and ruins. Abruptly, I was back on Earth in the alley. Dark clouds rolled in the sky, and I wanted to create storms and earthquakes to distract what was inside, yet didn't have the strength or the will.

"Maybe I should transcend the whole universe!"

I started this, and things began to turn clear, though there was no strength or will. Stairs suddenly appeared nearby. I walked up them. Then a light green Incredible Hulk was about to destroy the city (not the abode, however). When he saw me, he stopped, as it seemed he needed my permission. I flew to him, witnessing that the city was already dead. I nodded my head for him to demolish it.

Once he started, I yelled, "I will help you! I will help! I will help!"

We smashed the metropolis together; and when dark clouds rolled by, I screamed loudly, "I can destroy all this! I can take this place down to pieces!"

It looked like I had nothing to lose. Stairs surfaced, I went up, and saw the side of my abode, but kept going. Soon, though, a clear spiral tube appeared, and I slid through it. It was in the same place where Jesus had helped me to slide through, though there were more tubes and longer ones with many lids. As I traveled, I heard Vishnu telling Krishna to open the lids for me. Krishna opened them all, but I shouted, "No! No! I can open them on my own! I can do it myself! I stand alone! I stand alone!"

So I closed all the lids just by reaching out my hand amid sliding, uncovering them all again.

I came out on top of the roof repeating, "I am alone. I stand alone. There's no one else. It's just me. I am. I am. I am. I am."

Stairs appeared, I walked up them. At this point, I couldn't even say Vishnu's name. It seemed he wasn't even there. I was numb and broken, as well as having cried my last tears. Once I got to another rooftop, a black helicopter was there. I approached it. There was no one. No sight; no trace.

"Brahma!"

"Let's go higher. The city is crumbling down. Rebuild it!" he said.

He started the engine, we ascended.

"Crumbling? I'm crumbling. Rebuild?"

As we were ascending, the city I'd built collapsed, yet I stretched out my hand to hold one of the buildings to see if it could be saved, but it couldn't. It was completely damaged, so I let it drop. A brown briefcase was nearby, so I opened it. Inside it were beige blank papers instead of clear white.

I'm still unwritten, blank.

I tossed the papers out of the helicopter, watching them scattered in the air.

"How's your husband, Vishnu?" he asked. I sat quietly with no desire to answer, staring out.

"I don't know. I'm on my own. I stand alone," I replied, motionless.

We hit a plastic roof. I got out of the helicopter to cut the plastic so the aircraft could get pass and land. Men were working, wrapping plastic around the front of the building that was destroyed. I walked across the bridge and headed up the stairs. Now I was in the clouds; then witnessed the stairs where I'd walked up to Vishnu.

"No! No! I create my own! I create my own!" I said.

A magic wand instantly came to my hand. I put more clouds in the sky, with golden stars in it. They shimmered in the clouds. Stairs appeared as clouds, this time. I climbed up, came to another level that was translucent mixed in with white, soft clouds, beginning to feel distraught, similar to before.

"Did I not get married and have family? Wasn't I married to Vishnu and Krishna? Did I not?" I yelled loudly. "Did I not once marry them both?"

An image of Vishnu and I with our family emerged and instantly gone. I became distressed, once again in pain because I had to come and accept this.

"Krishna and Vishnu! You're my consciousness. You're my consciousness. You're just my consciousness!" I screamed flopping on the floor, crying, broken, and more accepting of what was going on, as the truth hurt. Images of my relationship with Krishna surfaced, and I cried, "Krishna, Krishna!"

Cloud stairs emerged. Pushing myself to get up, I slowly approached. Heaviness increased much inside, as I was emotionally drained and fatigued, still in state of shock and numbness as if I was wounded. Walking up, I created new buildings, replacing the old, with gentle white fluffy clouds in the sky. Then I was on another level, witnessing the airy clouds and clear light.

I shouted soaring, "I'm independent! I'm La Kingsavanh! I stand alone! I'm all alone! There's no one else! I'm alone. I can only be alone in Self. There is no one else! There's no one else! I can only be alone in me! I stand alone! I'm independent!"

"That's what makes you God," I heard.

Cloud stairs appeared. I approached them, then ascended. Higher above the clouds, I yelled again, "I go to no one! I am a thought! I am a thought! Whoo hoo!"

Then I sailed about free and liberated. That means I can do anything. I'm a thought.

"A very powerful thought," I heard.

Stairs surfaced. Again, I headed up them. It was getting harder. The energy around my chest intensified: what happened and coming to accept what was going on made things tense.

This time, I heard Krishna said to Vishnu, "She is going to reach us soon."

I arrived to another level. It held bright, clearer light and bigger clouds. A thought of Krishna surfaced. I became emotional and screamed for him.

"Krishna! Krishna! Krishna! Where are you? Wasn't I once your one and only love? Weren't we once married? Wasn't I your complete love? Weren't we married? Krishna! Krishna!" Then I lay flat on the ground, crying and in pain.

"I love you so much, Krishna," I said and closed my eyes, holding myself in distress.

"Yes, my love. We are still married. You are still my one and only love," I heard momentarily.

I opened my eyes and saw him dressed all in gold, with golden crown on his head. He was a bit different; thinner. He lifted me, took my hand, and led me to sit on his throne with him. My outfit changed, from shorts and a white tee-shirt, to a golden sari with fine jewelry. Sitting next to him, I began to be at ease. However, when I got up to observe the surrounding, he said, "Come to me, my love."

I paused.

"No! I go to no one! I don't go to you or Vishnu! I go to Self! I go to Self! I stand alone! I'm on my own! I answer to no one!"

I took off the crown, the outfit and slowly heading up the steps, crying and holding on to the railing made of white clouds, coming to another floor.

"I am independent! I am alone. There's no one else! I am God! I am God! There's no one else! I'm alone! It's me! I am! I am! I am!" I shouted.

I dropped down on my knees. The energy inside became even heavier, I rubbed my chest.

"Why is this so hard? Why is it hard?"

I crawled towards the steps, and slowly climbed up them with such heaviness.

In this level, there were people. I gently treaded on clear energy and saw an empress outfit, from ancient China on a wall. A silk red dress with gold designs and a black peacock-hairstyle wig hanging next to it. The maids, dressed in soft ivory clothes with their hair up in buns came to put the dress and the hairpiece on me. Once I was done, they bowed and said, "Your highness."

A white swing was ahead; I went to sit on it. The maids followed behind, holding the train. One of the maids smiled mischievously. I looked at her, then at the swing and got off. The swing was white, exactly like the one out on my porch.

"Your highness. This is the highest," they said.

"No! I go all the way! Limitless!" I said, took off the outfit and hairpiece and walked up the steps.

Now I was observing the magnificent sun and white, cottony clouds directly. It seemed peaceful.

"Were you once married? Did you once have a family?" the voice of someone asked from somewhere.

The questions somehow had me kneel on the floor. Streams of emotions surfaced; I started crying.

"Yes! Yes! I still am! I still am! I am! I am! I am!"

"Were you once with Krishna? And were you once with Vishnu? Were you once Brahma?"

"Yes! Yes! I still am! I still am! I am! I am! I still am! I'm all of it! I'm all of it! I'm everything! I'm everything!" And I paused for a bit and yelled again, "La Kingsavanh is everything! I'm everything!"

Moments later, I wiped my tears and got up, staring out at the sun. Stairs appeared. This time, it was if I couldn't even go towards the steps, though, regardless, I headed towards them gradually, truly depleted.

On this floor, the clouds were much whiter and the sky was lighter, and the sun much shinier, gleaming gold. I stood calmly watching and more at ease, the scene switched to where I was standing outside a building on a balcony observing the city on Earth. A couple of men came, handing over a pen and a box of blank paper.

"Please write something," they said. I took the pen and paper, smiling inside remembering Krishna and Brahma's words 'rewrite, rebuild,' though I didn't know exactly what, didn't think about it, and just wrote 'God ❤', taking up the whole paper. Then I tossed it in the air off of the balcony and wrote more 'God ❤'and threw them off of the balcony.

"Please write more, ma'am."

'God ❤'I kept writing the same, using all the paper they gave. Before, all I got was I ❤. Then Vishnu gave a message and just drew ❤. Now it was God ❤.

They picked up the ones that fell on the floor, running down the stairs with them.

"This is all she wrote, Sir," they said.

"She got it. She did it," I heard. It was Vishnu's voice, talking to Krishna.

"She did it. She really did," Krishna added.

After hearing this, any residual pains and shock were instantly gone, and my love for Vishnu returned in full.

I can't believe it.

He came to the balcony and hugged from behind.

"You got it. You did it. You're the strongest one I know," he said.

I turned around facing him and said, "Your love is not just great, but the greatest, my love."

This turn, what they'd done was pretty rough, to bring out my strengths. He touched his nose with mine. We smiled. We looked out the city for a bit until I asked, "Where's Krishna?"

"He's getting married. We are to attend his wedding," he answered.

Suddenly my chest was heavy. Images of Krishna getting married intruded. I tried shutting them out by closing my eyes, and shook my head a couple of times.

"No, no. I'm not going. I'm not going. I'm done watching that. I'm done. I'm not going," I said then shot into the air, distraught.

"I'm not going. No! No! I'm done!"

He flew to my side, trying to console by hugging me.

"We don't have to go. We won't go. We will sit on the roof looking at the city until the sun rises; just you and me, my love; just you and me," he said.

### Chapter 31

Up on the roof of the tallest building, we observed the quiet city. It was getting cold. I made a tent and blankets appear.

"I still have some physical," I told him.

"We have to do something about it," he said.

After what I just went through? Not yet. "I appreciate the physical and the experiences of it. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for it," I shared.

"No doubt," he replied. He had asked a couple times to leave the physical completely and be with him. Each time he mentioned it, I let him know I was ready. We camped out.

"The sun is going to shine on my face when I wake up tomorrow," I said.

"There won't be any sun tomorrow morning," he added, about to shut the sun off.

"Do you want to sleep in?" I asked.

"Something like that," he answered.

"I want it to shine on my face so I can get up early and get my coffee down the street. They have fine coffee. I put it there," I shared.

"What's that?" he asked.

"It's a caffeine drink. It's bitter with no sugar or cream. I put lots of cream and sugar on mine. Want to try it?" I asked.

"We'll see," he answered.

"Are you going to take human form?"

"Yeah."

"Which one? The one we got married on Earth?" I continued.

"You like that one?" he inquired.

"It's not bad. How about surprise me. I'll be there at the shop, waiting for you to walk in."

In the morning, I went inside a small cafe and ordered coffee. One for Vishnu and another for myself, though I didn't put cream or sugar in his. He entered. My mouth opened wide.

"Oh, my God!"

He came in with black hair down to his neck, shaved on both sides with a round, short mustache, looking no different than Hitler, wearing a green long shirt and blue jeans. I pulled him to the corner.

"Come here!" I said and pulled out his mustache.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"You look like Hitler!" I said.

"I am he, too, you know," he replied. Once he said it, I wanted to put the mustache back, but it was too late.

"I know. That's why I love you so much. You're everyone," I responded.

"You love yourself," he said.

"Yes, of course, I do. There's no one else," I said.

We strolled on the sidewalk, enjoying the morning with soft sun. People were out: walking their dogs, drinking coffee, and having breakfast. Vishnu gave me his coffee and I had two coffee cups in my hand. I put his in the corner of a shop window.

"I will overdose with two," I told him. We went to sit on grass, watching the blue, calming ocean while I finished my coffee.

"Do you want to go walk on the beach before we go up?" I asked. He didn't say anything. "We can watch the sunset, too, later. You know they even have sex on the beach, here. They have a drink named that, as well."

"What's that?" he asked.

"It's liquor; some sort of a mixed drink. Alcohol. I've never had it," I said.

"No. The first one," he said.

"It's where a man and woman make love on the sand," I said. Probably need a blanket.

"I'd like to try that," he said. I burst out laughing.

We strolled along the beach before chasing each other. I flew up in the air and splashed water on him a few times. Then we went back to our abode, though I wanted a new one, so we moved up another level instead of watching the buildings. Now we were above them. We had clouds, golden sunshine and two multi-headed serpents that became our beds. When I was about to go relax on my own serpent, he suggested combining them as one, so I did.

"Why didn't you tell me we have serpents?" I asked.

"You have to come to it yourself," he responded. We lay on our serpents, kissing and making love.

Chickens or some animals appeared during this, but I didn't bother going to check, as I couldn't leave this embrace. The whole world could fall; I wasn't getting up. When Vishnu was on top, kissing me, touching my face and other animals showed up. I stopped to see if he was going to check on them. He shook his head. During sleep, I kept seeing myself staring at the swings.

Suddenly I was in a park at night with a swing moving, no one was riding on it. It felt eerie. I went back to the abode. A swing appeared with a dark blue flower in a beige-colored cushion, which helped me remember the white swing like one I had at home, and while I was an empress. The one in front was moving, before going back and forth pretty fast. I went to hold it steady, then letting it go. It swung gently, more like movements. I came back to bed.

"It's the swing?" he asked.

"Yes," I responded. "It's okay now."

"It's okay for it to swing a little bit," he said.

The swing. The pendulum. Balance. I smiled with a realization I'd slowed myself down almost completely. Before, the swing from nothingness to everything-ness like swings at the park, completely high up, going back and forth to where I almost took my own life, enduring the purest pain unimaginable.

We went back to bed, although a vision of a black round pumpkin or the head of a statue painted in white decorated with a long stick nose, appeared. The image was frightening, a bit unnerving. Despite I tried to shut it out, yet it kept recurring, so I got up and told Vishnu.

"I have to go somewhere."

"Do you want me to go with you?" he asked.

"Yes, but I can do it alone," I responded, even though I was scared.

Instantly, I was at a farm. Dark clouds moved fast in the middle of nowhere and in the middle of the night. I stood in front of the pumpkin and saw a small white church with a cross on top, just a distance away. I approached, opened the door; no one was there. I walked towards the altar. A podium stood on a center stage and a black piano off to the left side, and wreaths on small tables. Immediately about five or six people emerged, down on their knees and hanging onto me, pulling on my arms, coat, and legs from my front, back, and both sides. I struggled to stand up. They kept dragging.

Is this hell? Should I come out of my form?

They kept on, until I became exhausted, shortly they disappeared. I took a couple of deep breaths and headed out the door. Vishnu sat on the tree, waiting. I soared to sit next to him. The sun was rising.

"What was that about?" I asked.

"Religious beliefs," he responded.

"Religious beliefs?"

"They can pull you down and bound you," he commented.

"When there are no beliefs?" I asked.

"You can say boundless. Religious beliefs can bring harm to self and other mankind," he went on.

Living in separation, segregation. Religious wars. This is not just religious beliefs. Culture, race, disharmony with oneself. Let's see what Buddha thinks about this.

"Buddha!" I yelled. Buddha came. He was transparent, sitting in midair in a meditation pose and wearing a dark maroon monk outfit.

"What are your thoughts?"

"Be open and not get too attached," he answered.

I bowed and said, before he vanished, "Thank you, my beloved."

Vishnu shot up in the air.

"Do you want me to chase you?" I asked glancing at him.

"La Kingsavanh! If you want me, come and get me!" he shouted.

Soon we were home. I need to go see Krishna.

Next, I was on Earth walking towards a red stone house in India, at evening time. From what I could see through the window, they were having a nice dinner gathering, celebrating a recent wedding. The bride wore a fine red sari with seams of gold and shiny jewelry on her ears, nose, arms, and wrists. I entered, asking to speak to Krishna.

We walked outside to talk. I informed him I was there to see if he was happy, but we got interrupted by his wife. She invited me to come join them for dinner. Everyone wore their nice outfits, whereas I was in my black, white, and purple checkered pajama shorts and a white tee-shirt again, though no dirt was on it. I sat way in the corner, near other guests. They rearranged the table, bringing foods and drinks, although I didn't want to stay. After I congratulated the bride and groom, I headed out. Krishna followed to the back of the house.

I turned around asking, "Are you happy? Are you happy, Krishna?"

Soon, I became emotional.

"Are you happy? I want to know if you're happy. Krishna, are you happy? Do you miss me at all?"

He didn't say, but then this love for him, just like before, rushed through my veins, taking my entirety completely. There wasn't any way to contain it. Once more, I was overwhelmed by deep affection, so blindly and hopelessly.

"I still love you completely. You're still my ultimate love," I said.

The rain poured while I sobbed. Soaking wet, I dropped down on my knees, professing my unyielding love to him.

"I love you so deeply, Krishna!"

Then I got up, walked away and found myself on the roof of another house, sobbing incessantly leaning against an air filter.

"I still love you so completely. Are you happy? Are you happy without me? Are you happy, Krishna? You're still my eternal love."

And I continued weeping, but was now on the floor holding myself and crying, as if there was no tomorrow.

He wiped a tear, standing next to his wife on a higher roof watching me. She turned to him.

"You can't forget her. You can't let her go. She's with Vishnu!" she said. Shortly she came down to speak to me; it was more like yelling.

"Why did you come?! Why did you even come?!"

"I come for me! I come for Self! For love!" I shouted.

She left as I stood on the roof, about to leave. He came with a new flute in his hand. It was bigger than his other one, more gold and golden decorations in it. We sat down, playing our flutes together. Then I asked to see his new instrument and gave him my golden flat one, without any decoration.

"I'll keep yours. Since you let me touch it. It's mine now," I joked, though I was hurt inside. I handed the flute back to him and took mine before getting up to leave despite the fact that I wasn't sure if I could. He got up, watching me walking away. I stopped and said, with my back to him, "You've moved on."

It took him moments to say, "I never did."

"You got married," I said.

"I never moved on," he repeated. "I never once let you go."

I turned back and went to hug him.

"I love you so much," I said.

We put out foreheads together, then kissed, touched each other's faces, before we made love.

The meditation scene switched to where I was sitting next to Vishnu, observing the city.

"They are happy now," I commented.

"They are happy now," he said. "They are united again."

"We are united," I said.

"Yes, we are, my love," he replied.

While hanging out with Santi in the morning, I couldn't focus because of this love inside, and couldn't wait until I had alone time, although being hopelessly in love made my relationship with Santi and others feel calmer. Sean and Santi left to run errands for the day, I went upstairs to meditate, hoping to nap during it, since I'd had a good workout in the morning and was a bit tired.

### Chapter 32

Once I closed my eyes, immediately, I was at the abode with Vishnu. Though this time he had four arms instead of two, it didn't matter: I loved him regardless and thought nothing of this. Leaning over to kiss him, I noticed my skin was also blue. A leopard came.

"It's your animal," he said.

"Thank you," I remarked. A shower was nearby, so I approached it and showered. Once I did, no kidding. I had to use the restroom where there was an empty silver bowl; and I pooped in it.

"Oh my gosh!" I said, not believing what I'd just done in front of him (though he didn't seem to care, as if it wasn't anything).

"Let everything out," he said. Right away, I understood.

It appeared I was letting go of or flushing things out of my system. I did it a couple of times, then transcended it into something else, a golden energy. The feces seemed gross. Not too long, though, I pooped again; however, this time the poop became diamonds. No matter how often I crouched down to poop; only sparkly, shiny diamonds came out. I took another shower. My energy was light gold. It wasn't clear, pure white or sparkly like diamond, as before.

I went sit next to him; he leaned forward for a kiss and said, "You're truly beautiful."

Then the meditative scene switched, I was on Earth, entering a building and came into a changing room with many ballet dancers getting ready for their dance. They were thin and wore light pink dancing outfits with hair neatly up in buns. They headed to the stage. I followed and stood on the side watching. It was a big event. Many people filled lower and upper seats. Then, I saw Vishnu and Lakshmi sitting among the audience. The God of Maintainer was more human, glancing my way. Once more, I became disturbed and hurt, and ran out crying: "No, no. Not again; not again."

At the same street, I hurried away weeping and brokenhearted. It was dark outside.

"Not again, not again. I'm completely on my own, alone."

He didn't follow me out. On window displays were mannequins wearing ballet outfits. I went back into the building, but Vishnu and Lakshmi were gone. As before, I came out distressed.

Suddenly I was at the abode, but Vishnu wasn't around. Yet in my hand, I held his golden mace. With it, I pounded on the golden shield that hadn't been there, blocking me from flying up. More and more, I could see it was breaking just a bit as I continued. However, he was higher surpassing the clouds with another version of myself, who was talking. She (myself) asked if I was going to be up where they were.

"Very soon," he answered, and immediately I showed up holding a golden. My other self, vanished. Vishnu looked at me little surprised, as he reclined.

"Here's my wife!" he said. "How did you get here so fast?"

"I just banged on the shield a couple times. Stairs appeared, and I walked up here," I answered.

A few men came, with a wagon pulled by two white horses.

"Go with them," he said.

One was an elderly man with a white beard, had only a loincloth on and shirtless. He had tan skin. Even though I didn't want to leave Vishnu, they helped me get onto the wagon by carrying both of my arms, and drove off. During the ride, I kept looking at Vishnu as I was being driven away from him. A baby appeared in my arms, and he told me to take good care of it then the little one disappeared. As we rode through the fields, the old man said, "You are entering a realm of no return. There's no going back!"

I just want all aspects of who I am.

As we near, he said, "You're entering a land of no way back!"

Soon, I heard: "Open the gate!"

The big, tall black doors decorated with white metal that looked like diamond shapes in rows, opened. White energy was around them. We came into a wide open atmosphere that had gray light energy. Vishnu's Universal form shone brightly in gold in the air on both sides of the stone bridge. The golden brilliant air reflected, everywhere.

"Vishnu's wife is here!" I heard the announcement.

Wife? I stand alone.

We crossed a stone rock bridge. I noticed the water and recognized that it was the same bridge I had crossed a couple times before reaching Nirvana; but without Vishnu's cosmic form standing as the Godhead, with golden light beaming in all directions. It was indeed another dimension, Vishnu's consciousness.

Shiva showed way in the air, but he wasn't standing or sitting in meditation, like I had always seen him. It was only upper part of his body looking my way; a white crescent moon sat on his matted hair and Om symbol on his chest. Shortly, a golden Om symbol sprung out of the water into the air, sparkly similar to yellow star with golden pixie dust around it.

"Don't worry, you'll get your own. You're in God Land. The completion of God," said the old man seeing my eyes fixed on the symbol, in awe.

Once we crossed, they brought me into a room with a round black seat (like where you get transported into another dimension). Light shone on it. The same two men grabbed my arms and sat me down in the middle of it. Almost straightaway, I turned into clear, light white energy; however, another version of myself came and going up the stairs watching.

"Release all her energy!" Vishnu shouted, telling his men from somewhere while they watched me in the process of transforming.

As I proceeded up the steps, I noticed my other self was almost down to nothing as the physical form faded into clearest, untouched pure white energy. Once this was done, I found myself surpassing the sky. I hadn't been to this place before. Again, two men approached and supported by both of my arms and took me into an area full of white clouds, with golden pillars on four sides.

"Your wife, Vishnu!" they said, dropping me in front of him.

Vishnu dressed in all gold, and his crown was very golden; as if I didn't know him. He had Goddesses around, fanning him, as he stood. This place was so much higher up than I had ever been.

"Let's see if she remembers herself!" said the God of Maintainer.

The men took me to sit on a white rectangular stone. Amidst sitting in meditation, I noticed gradually I was turning into Vishnu, but with light skin; to where I was pure porcelain.

This is Vishnu's consciousness.

In me was a masculine energy. While sitting as the God of Maintainer, he reclined on his golden throne in blue skin, observing myself as he. Then I saw myself on Earth, crying walking away from the building, after witnessing him with Lakshmi.

As Vishnu, I said: "I have to get all of her up here. I will go to the end for her to be with me completely. I can't be without her."

Gosh, that sounds like me saying it to him.

In him, all he had was me; and in me was only he. It was if we couldn't be separated or I would die. My love for was truly indescribable, changeless with him and for him.

The mediation scene switched to where I was on Earth, heading up flight of stairs next to the sides of brick buildings. And after a bit, I reached Vishnu. He observed me when I arrived, but it felt like the love we shared wasn't there. He was the God Vishnu, but I held his golden mace. I walked about the abode and saw the porcelain white Vishnu (or me) sitting in meditation, with golden bracelets, crown, and shoes unmoving.

Soon, a few versions of myself and I fanned him, as he reclined. When he got up to walk, we followed fanning. I was idle, blank, and without emotion or hardly had any thoughts. When he sat, all of us sat, too, fanning him with golden fans. After a while, a thought came: "Why am I fanning him?"

However, I continued doing this because the thought was quickly gone, there was nothing to it; empty like thin, invisible air. Momentarily I got up, dropping the fan on him to get a closer look at something that was a distance away, a bow and arrows in a quiver. Then, I came back to fan him idly, blankly, and absentmindedly. Shortly, the old man appeared with two white horses, a wagon, and about two or four men with him.

"Come with us!" he said. I stood up and dropped the fan, walking towards them.

Riding on the wagon, the elderly man again said, "You're on the road of no return."

We were on the same path. In the carriage were a bow and arrows, so I picked them up to shoot. The arrow flew completely straight, at the quickest, fastest speed I had ever seen. Even the old man's mouth dropped open. You could say it was at God's speed, and the arrow never came back; unlike before, it returned to nearly hit me in the face. We stopped in the open. I picked up another arrow, but an image of Vishnu and I chasing each other on the beach and making love intruded.

Again, I couldn't be without this love, as if I would die. This absolute, complete, and purest love I came to, deeply in me that I was 'it' myself.

I just want to get back with him.

Then I was blank, empty, and kept shooting without any thought, although I noticed I had a golden mace, golden sword, shiny golden shell, and a bow and arrows - all of his weapons lying on the wagon. Amidst shooting, I turned clear, formless, and unseen as Brahma, expanding to where I was the entire universe looking at it. Then I witnessed Sean and Santi playing in the yard, I smiled though inside was only Vishnu. Shortly, Vishnu was chasing Santi around. Shiva showed up in the air, where I was shooting arrows, I made a little bow.

"Shiva."

The meditative scene changed now shooting arrows, and stopping for a bit because I missed the God of Maintainer very deeply.

I can only live and die in this love.

"You will!" the old man yelled loudly; he heard my thought.

A white bullhorn with gold around it appeared. I picked it up and blew into it, making a loud sound.

"She's ready!" the old man shouted.

We rode little more, taking me out into the field.

"You're about to do something that you'll never be able to return from. There's no going back!" the old man reminded.

The thing was, I didn't even know what I was about to do, or had any thoughts about it. I was just there: nothing was before or behind. The carriage went further and now we were in the complete open and Shiva was in midair.

"You can never return!" The old man shouted loudly, as I flew way up in the sky.

"If I don't return, then I don't return! If there's no way back, then there's no way back!" I shouted, a bit pumped.

Suddenly I was divided into endless forms, like Vishnu, and the golden light blasting out of me, reflecting everywhere on ground and nearby vicinity. The men on the carriage looked up, as they were hit by the brilliant golden light. Far and wide was shiny golden reflection, beaming in all directions while I stood, as the Godhead, in Universal form. Then I sat down in meditation posture. Shiva sat just little below on my right and Brahma, in clearest energy unseen was on my left, as we were in a triangle.

I shouted loudly with what came instantly and readily: "I'm the God of this Universe! The Destroyer! The Maintainer! And the Creator! I'm the God of this Universe! The Destroyer! The Maintainer! And the Creator! I'm the God of this Universe! The Destroyer! The Maintainer! And the Creator!"

Then I shouted much louder, as my energy raised, like I couldn't stop: my whole system unanimously, in union, completely was saying it: "I'm the God of this Universe! The Destroyer! The Maintainer! And the Creator! I'm the God of this Universe! The Destroyer! The Maintainer! And the Creator! I'm the God of this Universe! The Destroyer! The Maintainer! And the Creator!"

Then it switched to: "I'm the Universe! I'm the Universe! I'm the Universe! I'm the Universe!

"I'm the God of this Universe! The Destroyer! The Maintainer! And the Creator! I'm the God of this Universe! The Destroyer! The Maintainer! And the Creator! I'm the God of this Universe! The Destroyer! The Maintainer! And the Creator! I'm the Universe! I'm The Universe!"

Then: "I'm God! I'm God! I'm God! I'm God! I'm God! The Almighty! The All Powerful! The All Knowing and The All Existing. I'm God! The Almighty! The All Powerful! The All Knowing and The All Existing. I'm God! The Almighty! The All Powerful! The All Knowing and The All Existing! The Almighty. The All Powerful. The All Knowing and The All Existing. The Almighty. The All Powerful. The All Knowing and The All Existing."

The energy slowed down, and I could say no more. Once it was done, I burst out crying, lying in my bed with my eyes still closed, turning back and forth, holding myself and saying, "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! I can't believe it, I can't believe it. I can't believe it. Oh my God! I can't believe it."

"God conscious!" I heard.

"I can't believe it! I can't believe it!"

My entirety was in disturbance afterwards. I was speechless. Then, I opened my eyes, it seemed like my room wasn't even a room; as if I was somewhere else. It appeared as though things changed almost immediately. I wasn't the same. I kept looking straight, staring blankly for some time and thinking of nothing, as my whole mechanism was in great disruption.

I closed my eyes again, and it looked I had been dropped or fell off at the beach, at night. Then I remembered Vishnu, and how I was at this beach when he first told me to heal the four drowning men, and I began to sob almost uncontrollably. The love I could only live and die in emerged, and what was going on inside turned into waves of dysfunction, as if I was dying and being flushed out while the energy intensely, immensely churned.

"What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?"

Shiva appeared, sitting in the sand and glancing my way.

"Shiva! Shiva! Shiva! What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?" I yelled, wanting his help.

However, he shrank into an older man; almost a dwarf, with a leopard skin cloth on. His hair was matted and wore big white oval earrings. Meanwhile, I rolled in the sand crying saying: "What do I do? What do I do? Vishnu! Vishnu! Vishnu!"

Another version of myself and a couple of men riding on white horses, with a carriage stopped at where I was.

"Come with us!" they said.

I was carried inside the carriage. I yelled for Vishnu.

"I'm here, my love. I'm here. I'm with you," he said, moments later.

I leaned on his shoulder, saying, "What do I do? What do I do? "

Then it switched to Buddha. Vishnu was gone. I looked at Buddha and yelled, "Buddha! Buddha! Buddha! What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?"

I leaned on his shoulder, as if I was out of control, freaking out as my inside was turned upside down and inside out. Buddha emerged through clouds, water, sand, and air. Soon we were up at where I was before, in the clouds where Vishnu resided; but he wasn't around. Instead of golden pillars, now they had changed to all porcelain white. Buddha statues were all over, lying down, sitting, and in meditation in purest, clearest white. Buddha sat in meditation. I walked around to take a closer observation at the Buddha's figures, unable to believe how completely pure they were, before walking to sit on the stairs where I saw a guitar, picked it up, and strummed. I began to sob, hard. The love for Vishnu returned in full strength, as well as missing the physical world. I held myself saying, "Oh my God! Oh my God! What do I do? What do I do?"

In just a bit, I slowed down and just cried.

"You're work is done up here," Buddha said.

"I can go back to physical?" I asked.

"You'll be invisible, and can travel through all realms," he answered.

Then I found myself sitting on a bench, looking at streets at night as lights turned red, green, and yellow. People walked by and cars traveled back and forth. It was the same street where I'd wept from a broken heart, wearing a black sweater instead of a white shirt but with the same checkered shorts; still in pain over missing Vishnu and in state of disturbance. It felt my whole system was scraped out, and nothing was left besides energy that profoundly twisted and turned.

Invisible, huh? Invisible, you say? Let's see how invisible I am!

I headed toward the street; a car speedily came and almost hit me. I stepped back, but the vehicle didn't hit despite coming very close. I went to stand in the middle of the road and cars went through me as I became clear, formless, and unseen.

"Brahma!" I heard.

### Chapter 33

A small Chinese restaurant was at the corner. I made my way to it, and ordered a noodle dish from a Chinese lady with short black hair and an apron wrapped around her waist. When she brought the food, I said: "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, my beloved." Thank you, my beloved. Thank you, my beloved. Thank you so much, my beloved.

Hysterically, I sobbed and holding my chest. The lady who had taken my order said to another, "Is she okay?"

Once I was done, didn't eat my food, I stood up about to leave. The people in the restaurant, plus the workers, all stood up and bowed at the same time. I looked for Vishnu back at the old abode; it wasn't the same. Everywhere I went, nothing was how it was. The old man was right: there was no way back. Everything had changed. Of course, I wept and broke down; rolling on the floor in hurt and pain, until hearing Krishna ask Vishnu to go see me.

"I'm getting ready to marry her again. This time, as God," he said to Krishna.

Momentarily I saw them talking in a kitchen I used to go to during many of my meditations, in a city somewhere, with a breathtaking view of high-rises, lights, and people walking the streets.

"What are you guys up to?" I asked when I came.

Vishnu didn't look at me, busy getting things ready for the wedding. They didn't look the same. Vishnu was a bit younger and bluer. I went into the bedroom to lie in bed.

"Can we afford this?" I asked, referring to the financial aspect of it.

Suddenly I was back at the new abode where Buddha and I were. Buddha, a few versions of myself and couple of Goddesses were present, though I wasn't sure who they were.

"I heard there's a wedding!" I said upon my arrival.

"Yes," they responded.

However, I wasn't enthusiastic about it. Something was off. Krishna brought Vishnu in as the groom, and other deities came along with them. Vishnu was in a groom's golden outfit with garlands around his neck. I walked towards them.

"No! No! No! This isn't Vishnu! This isn't him!" I screamed. "It isn't him!"

And it wasn't Krishna, either. Many Vishnus appeared. None of them was him.

"No! No!" I said, and started bawling. Everyone left. Alone, holding myself, brokenhearted, still in whirlwind of disruption.

"The old man is right. I will get a chance to live and die in this love."

Vishnu never showed. Hoping he would see, I made a golden heart displayed in the universe, shiny and shimmering, and waited for him to respond. Then I made more gold hearts in the sky; receiving no reply from him.

"I will turn this whole universe into a golden heart, then!" I said screaming and crying. Blank, white paper and a pen appeared in a box. I tried sketching a picture of him, but couldn't; so I drew a heart.

"You showed me heart. Here's a heart right back at you! Heart! Heart!" I said and kept drawing hearts, throwing them out into the sky.

"I have no doubt of this love. I have no doubt of this love!" I yelled crying.

More blank paper appeared. I continued drawing, and throwing the heart shapes into the sky and on the floor. As I was doing this, suddenly I heard Santi yell: "Mom! Come down here!"

"Okay, Buddy. Mommy will be there. I just need to finish this."

All around was filled with drawings of hearts. Once done, I sat for a bit, then opened my eyes from meditation, lying in my bed, staring out the window and wiping my tears. The thing was - I hadn't been this emotional for over a year. Even when my father died, I could only cry just a bit, and was surprised I could, at all. Back then, I couldn't label any of my emotions. Unsure if there were any, since they were mixed with energy and I couldn't distinguish the difference between feeling something or not. I was just was: the here and the now, without much distinction; empty, with nothing behind or before: air. But now some of emotions had returned.

The garage door opened. Sean and Santi returned from doing errands. I wiped my tears some more.

"Mom! Come down here! Come downstairs! Come see my new haircut!" Santi called.

"Okay, Buddy," I said, then walked down the stairs, aware of how immediate my consciousness was. "Very nice! I love it!"

It seemed they gave him bangs. I hugged and kissed him. Santi took off his coat, hung it in the closet, and went into Sean's room to admire his new hairstyle in the mirror. Sean brought in the groceries. I helped him. He saw my puffy eyes.

"Have you been crying?" he asked.

"Yeah. It's the meditation," I replied, trying to get ahold of myself; then went to sit on the sofa, staring off into space while he put the groceries away. Santi played with his train set.

"I need some time," I said, hurriedly running upstairs. Mainly, I didn't know if Vishnu would ever come back, and my whole system was in a state of disorganization; a great disruption I couldn't truly define in words. Quickly, I rushed to the bathroom, shut the door, and broke down. Then came to my bedroom and lay in bed, staring lifelessly for a very long time. Just moments later, I closed my eyes and found myself sitting at the new abode alone, covering my face with my hands. Vishnu came. It was him.

"Vishnu!" I said, and tried to go hug him; but I couldn't. He was clear and transparent.

"Your system is in shock. Give it some time," he said as he was leaving.

I opened my eyes, bursting into tears, then stared blankly into the distance, lying in one position for over an hour. In the evening, I was supposed to go see a movie with my sister; but had no desire to do so. Sean came into my room when he was upstairs getting Santi's change of clothes. He saw me lying unmoved.

"Are you even going to be able to go see a movie?" he asked, although he didn't know the details of my meditation.

"I don't know," I answered. I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight, either.

"I'll go."

I put on music and lay quietly, motionless. Almost every song that played made me want to weep. One of the songs reminded of my childhood and teenage years. Images of when I was young, playing in the rice fields, surfaced; then those of my teenage years when I was trying on different clothes and styling my hair, until seeing myself on a college campus, walking to classes. Upon reflecting on my upbringing, I realized how beautiful it was; how beautiful my dreams were.

Who I was, was just dreams. This whole universe is my dream. I can't believe I created it. The songs, the music, and movies are about this very love.

The lyrics coming through from the songs were words from Vishnu to me; which of course led me to sob even more, in disbelief. I was just waking up to this, when all the while, it had been going on. The love was completely deep, pure, and the most absolute I'd come to, of the divine masculine and feminine energies. Only when I was completely back at the beginning, when it all started and how it all came about (this life, this universe, this dream – the grand design - this Love itself) was I able to remember that I was all this.

Waiting in line at the theatre, I observed everyone and everything without much thought. Things changed faster than expected, although this had been a long time coming and the changes were gradual before. All there was; was just God.

It appeared as if we were in empty space, which could only mean the physical was maybe fading. With each movie preview, I turned to my sister's friend, who I wasn't fully acquainted with and who was sitting next to me; but I was comfortable with everyone.

"I'll see go see that one. What do you think?" I asked her.

She nodded with a smile. Another preview showed.

"What about this one? Rental? Rental? What do you think?"

She smiled and nodded. During the movie, I could hardly focus. My system was rewiring; reorganizing.

### Chapter 34

Once home and in bed, I broke down; moving from everything was okay to being brokenhearted to I could only live and die in this love; then deadness and in disbelief. At 3 in the morning, I was wide awake listening to what was going on inside. And at times, I just abruptly burst out crying, telling myself, "I can do it, I can do it" as different energies strongly surged through my entirety.

I've done it before. I can do it, I can do it. I've done it before.

Then, there was this deadness as I lay unmoving, realizing that I wasn't dying, but was already dead. The thing about death was: it couldn't live or die. When it switched to the love with Vishnu, my heart immensely ached, filled with purest pain. Closing my eyes, I found myself sitting in the abode weeping, with a blank paper and pen in my hand, wanting to write 'I miss Vishnu'. But I couldn't get farther than 'I' and so I drew a heart again; however, this time I put an arrow through it.

"My heart is broken. My heart is broken."

And I tossed the drawing into the air, made a heart in the clouds with big arrow going through, before I searched for him without success. Everywhere I went was the same. It was if I could only live and die in this love by myself, on my own. Soon, I stood on the tallest rock, looking at the vast, blue ocean.

"Yeah, I will die in it, alone."

From the highest cliff, I let myself fall forward and face planted into the sea. My body slowly sank deeper and deeper to the bottom. But I was breathing under the water, as though it was air. Another version of myself appeared, sitting and watching. Yet, she wasn't breathing, which I understood immediately. After shedding away all of the physical aspects of myself, I'd formless, completely.

Next, I stood on the peak of a mountain. The bottom of it was filled with gray rocks, big and small. Some were similar to spears; which of course, would end me immediately.

"This should do it. I will die with this love."

I jumped forward, dropping way down hitting the spear-like rock. The sharp edge pierced right through my flesh; however, a few seconds later, I came out of my form much more transparent. Even the form I had was close to being very transparent; although there were minimal blood stains like I just had a bad scratch from a thorny bush.

"I still have some flesh."

The thing was: I couldn't die, since I was already dead. This love inside couldn't die either, and I had to go on with it. There was no escape.

Later, I found myself sitting on the street during the day, where I went to get coffee with Vishnu. People were out strolling, exercising, and walking their dogs. A guy pulled in the parking lot, in an old Mustang. As soon as he got out, I recognized him instantly. He was Vishnu, in the same form when he was with me; exactly identical except he was smoking.

Did he take a human form and become unconscious? He wouldn't recognize me, then.

He took things out of his car. I approached.

"Hi," I said. "Can you give me a ride?"

He looked at me for a bit and said, "Sure."

We drove for some time then he asked: "Where is your home?"

"I don't have a home," I responded bursting into tears. "You can just drive anywhere. I don't have a destination either; not at all." I wiped away my cries.

Then I was somewhere sitting on top of the roof watching the city at night, with only pain inside. In the morning, I walked into the coffee shop, got coffee, and went to sit on the bench, watching the sun rise, until I saw Vishnu walking his dog, holding a coffee cup, with a woman in red hair. He kept looking my way then came over to greet.

"Want to go walk on the beach?" I asked.

"Okay," he replied, and told me to wait. He left to inform the woman he was with. At the beach, I asked him to chase me. We chased each other and hung out until dark.

"Want to go look over the city on the roof?" I asked. He agreed.

We arrived, he was about to open the door to go up the steps to get to the rooftop.

"There's no need," I told him. "Hang on tight."

I put my arms around his waist and flew us up.

"How did you do that?" he asked in surprise.

"I don't know. I just do," I replied.

We sat admiring the city, pointing to different buildings and lights, and gazed at the stars and the moon. I added more glistening, brightly stars in the sky. He was astonished. We sat quietly; then I asked, nearly choked in tears after the question: "Do you remember me at all?" Do you remember us?

He replied he didn't, and had to leave. We stood up, I flew him back down.

"You have the mustache," I commented.

"Yes, my wife loves it," he said.

Of course, this comment hurt deeply, so I wept and quickly turned away.

I'm sorry I didn't like it before. I'm sorry.

"Thank you for hanging out. Good luck with your wife. Much happiness," I said leaving in a hurry. Not wanting to go back to the abode, I headed to the beach and found him sitting on the grass, observing the ocean.

"You didn't go home?" I asked. He turned to me with tears in his eyes. I sat down next to him.

"I can't. Everything changed after I met you. I can't be the same," he responded.

That makes two of us.

"You don't remember me?" I asked again. He shook his head.

Once you want to remember us, I will be here, my love. You'll remember we were completely in love. We were in a marriage and had families through this eternity.

"I must go now," I told him, about to become emotional. I returned to the abode, sobbing alone.

"You visited me in the physical realm?" I heard.

"Vishnu!" I said. "You were conscious about it?"

"Yes," he replied, approaching as I was tearing. "You're reversing everything."

He vanished. I was by myself, doing nothing. Maybe I should visit Hell.

When I walked in, a few men with black horns and red skins, resembling human bulls, hung out playing cards.

"Hi, guys! What's up?" I said.

"We are on breaks," one of them said. I went around giving them hi fives and saw a Buddha statue on the wall. The place was big, with gray dirt walls. The floor was almost like cement: a clear plastic; hard to explain. It had changed from the last time I was there, about a decade ago.

The last time I was there, people were hung on poles, screamed in distress, and were buried underground with only their heads showing while others got tortured. Jesus stood on the stairs with light shining. He came to get me, after I finished touring the Netherworld.

Afterwards, I was unable to sleep, switched on every light in my room, including T.V. and listened to Christian music. Moreover, I asked my late father to sleep on the sofa instead of in his room for at least a couple of nights. Now there was no suffering.

"I'm going by the boat," I told them.

The sky was dimly. It was the Underworld. While sitting down and riding on the small boat, I played flute. This was calming. I witnessed the Buddha statue carved into the stone of a river wall.

"My love," I said making a small bow.

I felt relaxed and napped later. When I opened my eyes, I saw dark clouds moving.

"Maybe I should transform all this into gold," I said.

As I was about to do it, I heard, "Leave it as is," from Buddha.

Leave it as is.

It must've been about 5:30 in the morning when I opened my eyes from meditation. Similarly, I endured the emotional roller coaster, from staring off into the distance (things were fine, as I was able to accept everything) to heartache, deadness, and in shock before I broke down. Then I cussed at Vishnu, calling him different names saying I was a fool for him while he didn't even bother showing up.

Santi woke up early and came to my room. He watched his TV shows for a bit. I went downstairs to make coffee.

There is no Krishna or Vishnu. All is just me!

It burned to hear myself, and doubtlessly I still had ways to go until gaining full remembrance.

Upon my reflection, I realized what Vishnu was doing to me was the same with what I was to him, when he took human form. He wanted to help me to remember us, just as I wanted to help him. How great and deep was this love? Once he'd guided to a grand remembrance, this could be the end of our relationship, and I needed to come to terms with this. Yet I still couldn't; and didn't want to.

Even spending time playing with Santi, I tried not to have outbursts; nevertheless, at times I couldn't manage to hold things together. After going through the motion of morning and afternoon routines, I went upstairs weeping. Then there was deadness, so I left home to fill up gas.

Although I wanted to visit my parents' gravesites, to find some sort of comfort, I didn't. Going through the transformations was no doubt hard; however, unlike in the past, I didn't want to take my physical life despite the fact that my whole system was in deep shock.

At night, before bed, I wrote all this down so I could remember the details, since I didn't have much of a memory and sobbed at times during it.

### Chapter 35

In my dreams, I walked on a stone bridge over wide, endless water. The sky was clear. The bridge was long, with no end. It must've taken all night to cross, but I did. However, when I got up in the morning, there was deadness once again (almost, in some ways, like non-being; but not quite). Santi watched his TV shows while I closed my eyes for meditation. However, I found myself crossing the same never-ending bridge.

Vishnu came; although it wasn't fully him, and there wasn't connection between us romantically: just complete love and acceptance. He wore gold orange outfit and walked next to me as if he was there as a friend. We treaded slowly, taking tiny steps, though we kept going. It seemed we were making headway, but the bridge was still far in distance and I saw no ending to it.

I will cross it. I did already in my dreams.

We kept on despite the fact that it seemed we were at a starting point. Then I pulled him to go faster, although he calmly took small steps.

"I'm gonna fly all the way over there. If you want to, come," I said; then soared far ahead. Nonetheless, the bridge was undoubtedly endless. Regardless, I continued and flew again, seeing some parts of the bridge were under water and other parts were above it.

"Come on! Give me something!" I shouted. Instantly, a big golden wrench came to my hand.

"Give me something!" I yelled again. Momentarily, the light shone and golden lightning struck the water.

"Yes! This is something!"

I shot up high above the clouds and kept going even further up, landing on more white, gentle, fluffy clouds. I continued upward, then sat on the clouds. A golden mirror appeared. It looked as though I had turned into Buddha, wearing an orange monk outfit with my hair up in a bun.

"Lord Buddha," Buddha said when he emerged through the mirror looking exactly like myself, as he.

"Lord Buddha," I said and soared upward, only to see more Buddha statues filling the entire atmosphere. Once more I shot up; plenty more Buddha idols displayed everywhere, in the entire sky. All around, far and wide were Buddha figures.

Buddha. Buddha. Buddha. Buddha heart. Buddha heart. "Then my heart is Buddha! My heart shall be Buddha! Buddha is my heart!" I yelled loudly through the skies and clouds, walking around. No doubt, I was still in the state of shock. I soared to another level, putting Buddha statues all over before an image of him intruded from when he'd come into my dream or meditation about a year ago, with monks to tell I was 'bodhisattva'.

A year ago, in meditation or a dream, I'd stood in front of a Buddhist temple at night observing monks discussing among themselves if I was a 'bodhisattva' (though I wasn't sure why it had significance or if I was or wasn't, despite the fact that I had no clue of what bodhisattva was).

"She has to be a bodhisattva with what she is doing," one of the monks said.

"She is," said another. They came up with a way to tell whether I was one by asking me to pick out the real Buddha. About ten Buddhas walked out of the temple's porch, looking identical in every possible way, all wearing saffron and with their hair up in buns. My mouth opened wide, unable to identify which was the 'one'. After observing for just a bit, despite not having confidence on which was Buddha, I picked one; and he turned out to be the Buddha.

"She picks the one. She picks the real Buddha. She's a bodhisattva," one of the monks said. Buddha walked toward me.

"You're a bodhisattva, like ones before you," he said. The monks watched, although I wasn't sure what he meant. On top of it, it didn't matter to me much; but I was curious, so I read about it later (although I couldn't remember what I was reading; as if I hadn't read it right then and there).

What is this Bodhisattva? Bodhisattva? What is it? What is it?

"What is Bodhisattva? What is Bodhisattva?" I shouted into the air.

Then it came naturally: Love and compassion, love and compassion.

I walked around yelling, "Since I'm so dead, I will replace it with love and compassion!"

All of me will be Buddha. Buddha. Buddha. Love and compassion. Love and compassion. I shot up another level, putting Buddha statues in all places.

"Everywhere shall be Buddha. My heart! My heart! Only love and compassion!" I yelled.

I need to put this on Earth, too, everywhere.

I flew down to Earth, placing Buddha figures in the sky and on top and in the corners of buildings saying: "Love and compassion, love and compassion, love and compassion."

Once done, I sat on a bench and thought: I should visit Hell and see how my Helly brothers are doing.

I entered inside Hell. The guys were perfecting their weapons, polishing and wiping them.

"Hi, guys!" I said.

"She's back," one of them said.

"I just want to come and tell you that I love you guys," I said and went about giving hugs.

"We know," one of them said. Immediately, I dropped down on my knees, wanting to cry.

Do you really know? Do you really know this immeasurable love in me? Could you even fathom this love that is bottomless and purest?

Then I yelled, "Krishna! Vishnu!"

It seemed as though, the bottomless and pure love was now in me; and was me. I was "it".

I got up.

"Let's have a group hug!" I said. "We need to hug and say 'I love you' to each other. Come on!"

They came. We circled around, then gave each other hugs and said that we loved each other. Then, the Devil himself came forward: he had been in the wall, watching. He was completely tall, with big bull horns and red skin.

"My love," I said, with bow.

"Sir!" the men said.

We walked outside, observing the river, with rocks underneath our feet.

"I come to let you know that I completely love you, my beloved," I said.

"There's no love here," he said.

"No. There is. I know it now. If there's no Hell, Earth, or Heaven, I wouldn't be here right now. Without all the experiences from all aspects of myself, I wouldn't be me. All of it is me! If there's no you, there's no me. My love is all the same. There is no difference: Earth, Heaven or Hell. You are also my eternal beloved. I can never forget and deny myself," I said.

I held his hands, we viewed the river some more. He made a canoe appear.

"That's bigger than the last one. Thank you, my love," I said smiling, still holding his hand.

"My love," he said looking at me, and made a bow.

"I'm going to enjoy the river and nap," I said, getting on the canoe.

Afterwards, I soared to where I'd turned everything into Buddha. This time I had taken things to a new level. Since everything was white with soft, cottony clouds, I added sparkling golden light and strolled around. Momentarily, I heard a conversation between two men.

"Our girl has done it again."

"She really did," another said. I went to check and saw Krishna and Vishnu eating, talking and smiling. Once more, any residual pain, deadness, and shock gradually subsided. Again, my mouth dropped.

"Oh my God!" I yelled.

"Here she comes! Dodge!" Vishnu said as I ran at them, to jump on both. They all flew off. Vishnu no longer had only four arms; but sported at least ten. He was showing more and more of who he was (or who I was). I ran towards Vishnu; though he didn't dodge, but hugged me.

"I miss you so much," I said. We kissed, I leaned on him. Krishna flew away, and although it was truly hard to get away from Vishnu's arms, I said: "I will be right back, my love."

The thing was: I missed Krishna deeply, as well. He stopped. I hugged then kissed him. The deep love and romance came back, I couldn't leave.

"Let's make love," I said.

He took us somewhere far, but it was a place I had been to; we played our flutes, replacing the entire area with trees, quiet streams, soft grass, and glistening stars at night.

"A perfect scene," I said. We kissed and said we loved one another, just then my love for Vishnu interrupted. I tried to shut it out by closing my eyes, but he said, "Go to him."

"Oh, my gosh. Please wait for me, my love. Please wait. I'm so sorry. Please wait."

Vishnu sat, waiting. Immediately, the indescribable completeness and the purest affection returned in full bloom. Once again, I fell on my knees and shortly was flat on my face. I couldn't walk to get to him, paralyzed by this powerful love, absorbing every bit and piece of me.

"I will come get you," he said.

"Can you handle all of me?" he asked, carrying me.

"I have so far," I replied. After we made love, I slept in his arms, then woke up and remembered the Divine God. Krishna.

He played his flute as I headed toward the quiet streams, now with lighting bugs filling the nightly air. Tears rolled down my face, I was touched. He had waited. I dropped on my knees in front of him, apologizing. His love was unimaginable and indescribable: he moved my core so deeply.

"I'm sorry," I said. We looked into each other's eyes, touched each other's faces, and kissed softly; then made love. I spent the night with him.

"Let's put more stars in the sky," I said as he held me.

"Vishnu is sleeping," he said.

Dang.

The next morning, I went back to Vishnu; he was nowhere in sight. I made my way to our old abode. He was there, with all his avatars.

All his avatars are here, too?

He made a sink and a counter with chopping board appear. He was about to kill a fish, lifting a knife.

"No! No! Please no! Please let it go. Please don't kill it," I ran in front of him, yelling.

Dropping down on my knees to plead, begging as if I was doing so for a person's life with my hands pressed together.

"Compassion," he said. "I have to kill it to cook it."

"Please. Please don't, my love. Please don't. Please!"

He finally let go of the fish. To release it, I took the fish to the river and watched it swim away.

Was that a test?

He reclined, relaxing when I came back. It seemed that Vishnu would do anything to help me realize the purest compassion in myself.

"We have been here before; let's turn it into something else."

So, I transformed the area into shiny black buildings, creating a new metropolis.

"Ready for more of me?" he asked.

"Give me some time. I just went through a shock in the last two days. Just give me a couple more days to replenish myself," I answered.

He took off into the air. I called his name; he was now up in the clouds somewhere. We'd just made up, and he was ready to take it farther.

"He just wants you with him completely," Krishna said when he came.

"I understand, Krishna, but I just need a little time. Just a couple more days," I responded. "He didn't have to just fly off just because I need a bit of time."

In one of my meditations, while my system was in shock, the God of Maintainer asked if I was still his wife; he was informed he was my love and that I stood alone.

He was in the sky, watching. I flew to him.

"I just need some time," I said.

"Take as much time as you need," he said.

We kissed, holding each other. It must've been my habit from making love in the physical world, I took my shirt off.

"There's no need for that," he commented. I put it back on. My energy suddenly showed. It was clear and pure white with sparkly diamond and gold mixed together. He couldn't keep his eyes off of me.

"My love?" I said.

"You're so beautiful. I don't have words. I'm speechless," he said.

"Okay, now what are you going to do about it?" I asked grinning.

"Come here!"

We kissed, but he soared away. I chased though I couldn't get ahold of him. His form shrunk. He became bigger; formless in his blue skin, as the Universe. It made me smile inside, understood what I needed to do. Sitting in meditation, I transformed myself clear, see-through, and as big and limitless as he, before we made love.

"Now when we make love, the whole universe is making love. The universe!" he said.

Even making love was taking it to a new height. We immersed into one another as our energy came together in union, with only the completeness of love, romance, and passion blending together, as one.

### Chapter 36

Afterwards, I let him know I was open to do training instead of getting into an immense transformation immediately, and advised him to at least wait until I'd recovered a bit more. He agreed. Swiftly I was by the ocean and a mermaid arrived. She had long black hair to middle of her back.

We swam in water briefly then clear glass blocked us from swimming farther. I tried to find ways to get us out; unsuccessfully, at first. I made a golden mace appear in my hand and smashed it on the glass; it was no use.

"Come on!" I said after smashing it a couple of times. A glass similar to a tube emerged.

"Come on, let's go!" I said.

We slid through the tube, coming out of the other side.

Now we were on land, at a nice small town with a creek, bridge, many green trees, and houses. People were relishing nice breezy, sunny summer day. The mermaid now had normal legs and we went to get something to eat from a vendor, hanging out as though we were best friends. We watched people, eating our ice cream cones, sitting on a bench and smiling.

"Want to go by the sea?" I asked.

"Sure!" she replied.

It was her favorite place to be, she informed. We strolled along the beach at nighttime, enjoying ourselves, until suddenly she choked from a long fish bone, like chain. Despite the fact that I continued pulling it out, it was endless (it seemed), at this point, I was getting tired. It never stopped. So I cut it; yet the other half was still inside her. I absorbed it with my golden light and it turned into energy; however, small part of the fish bone was stuck in her skin. Again, I tried turning it into energy. It didn't do anything, this time.

"I will pull it out, then heal you," I said. "It will hurt a bit."

She closed her eyes as I dragged the sharp bone through her flesh. Once I got it out, I healed her; unfortunately, now the fish bones turned into metal brown chains and quickly wrapped around her. She couldn't break off.

"Oh, my gosh!" I said.

Watching her struggling to break free, I zapped the cuffs with my electric palm just like one of the superheroes, though there was not much result from this.

I can burn it. So, I put my hand on the chain to melt it with fire. It was no use.

I can break this with Vishnu's sword.

The sword instantly appeared in my hand. I chopped the chain off. She was released. However, it put itself back together and got a young boy, who'd just appeared. People came and stood around, watching. He kept running, nonetheless the metal link caught him. He fell, and it hauled him off. I jumped in to grab the boy's leg, trying to break the chain that cuffed his ankle. After pulling it apart many times, the shackle finally unlocked.

"Run!" I yelled.

The metal thing wrapped itself around my body, dragging me down to the bottom of the ocean. I smirked. Like it's going to do anything. At the bottom of the sea, I struggled to break loose. When I couldn't, I came out of my form and swam up to the surface.

The chains grew many arms, like an octopus, and quickly grabbed the mermaid. She fought in midair. Vishnu's sword appeared in my hand and I flew up to cut the metal links. They broke but they turned into a real octopus.

"Leave!" I yelled to the people, the boy, and the mermaid as I was in the air. They all ran off, terrified. Immediately the creature latched one of its many arms to both of my legs before wrapping its arms all over me like a mummy. To break away, I wrestled just a bit. Then I stepped out of my form and zapped the octopus with electricity. It shrunk, turning into energy.

"Oh, my God!" I said; because at the moment I was tired, with some anxieties since this was happening non-stop.

Vishnu was way in the air, on his white horse.

"Let's see what else you've got!" he shouted.

By now I was much stronger to where I could take on the God of Maintainer himself, but my love for him kind of hold me back. My love.

"Come on! You and me! I will take you on!" I yelled after a bit.

He made a big twister heading my way, though this was nothing. In midair, I stretched my hand out to absorb the storm, shrinking it bit by bit, but I didn't know how to turn it into different energy as fast I could when it was in my hand, so the storm went inside my body, swirling around like it was in a deep pit.

"Ahh!" I yelled. It came out through my mouth, similar to bunch of wasps leaving their nests. Then I spat a few times: there was dirt, sand, and whatever else was in it. Yet, nothing was done. The windstorm that came out was still around.

"There's still a storm!" Vishnu shouted.

Quickly, I took out the flute and played. Gradually the twister transcended into energy until it all became regular air. I glanced at Vishnu and flew up to him because I was going to get him. I flew him down to the ground, but we locked eyes. We kissed and made love in the sand.

### Chapter 37

As I continued my day, I wasn't sure how to deal with what was going on inside. It was alive and well, as if I was in another dimension. The world I had known didn't seem to exist anymore. It appeared my whole system had been rewired and reversed, not knowing what to do.

I can only surrender to it. I can't fight it or run from it. I can only surrender to myself.

Sometimes it seemed I couldn't tell what was going on, making me want to cry. Truly, it was as though I was dead; as if there was no trace of the physical left. My weight reduced even more, unable to eat, deeply consumed by transformations of self-remembrance.

In my dreams, I was by myself in the abode, sitting, until two deities flew by, male and female, just like in the paintings. Maybe I should follow them.

We arrived, standing in the air watching people going somewhere. They dressed in fine, exquisite golden outfits in carriages riding along on the road that had green trees, with streams on one side. Krishna was in a carriage, I went to sit next to him.

"You came with them?" he asked.

"Yes. I followed them," I replied. He wore nice golden silk Indian garments, including his turban.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"Vishnu's wedding," he responded. Suddenly pain returned, to learn Vishnu was getting married to someone else.

Maybe I should leave. I just followed them. I don't need to go see this. Who is he marrying? Lakshmi?

"Are you coming?" Krishna asked seeing me sad and wanting to leave.

Maybe I should go see it. See what exactly is going on; who he is marrying.

When we got closer, I made a golden sari dress appearing on my body, with delicate jewelry on my arms, nose, hair, and wrists in place of my usual checkered shorts and partially-ripped white shirt.

We arrived in an open area in ancient times. Many deities were present and dressed nicely with elegantly-made turbans, crowns, and golden silk outfits. Krishna made a hand gesture for me to get off the carriage with him, since I was reluctant to get out, to witness Vishnu's marriage.

"No! No!" I said. "I will go sit over there."

To hide from Vishnu, I went by the stone wall near a creek, sitting behind a bush. A few seconds later, I peeked to see who his bride was, so I could leave. He descended from midair with multiple arms as God Vishnu, at the center of a circle made of stones high up to about hip level. People congratulated him, smiling and bowing.

"Krishna! Where is my bride?" he asked.

"Sitting over there," he said, pointing his finger my way.

A couple of men came, lifted by my arms again, and took me to sit in the middle of the circle.

"She's his bride?" people and deities asked looking at each other stunned, seeing me as the God of Maintainer's wife. Quietly I sat scanning around, as if I shouldn't be there, feeling insecure and understood immediately it was something I needed to face; however, I stayed put, not leaving then transformed into a golden, clear energy. My body lifted up in the air, where I became almost formless with a light gold aura radiating in the atmosphere near and far.

"God! God! God!" they said, dropping down on their knees and bowing.

I came down, took off the golden sari outfit and jewelry, and walked away in my checked shorts and ripped white tee-shirt. Vishnu came after.

"Let's get married, my love," he said.

"We have done that. There's no need to, anymore. I don't want to," I said.

But thought that maybe I should. So, I put my wedding outfit back on and went to sit in the room, waiting for him to come and get me, even though inside I deeply held no desire for it. Then I left the room, took myself somewhere away from the place, and sat on the clouds, making a tree and a hammock appear to relax in it. He came.

"You don't want to get married?" he asked.

"There's no need! I'm yours, completely and truly! I'm all yours!" I shouted. Krishna came.

"I'm completely, truly yours! With my all!" I said loudly pointing to both of them. When Vishnu said he was going to marry me as 'God', he meant it.

"Looks like there won't be a wedding," Krishna commented. "You got a tough one, Vishnu."

The guests waited.

"One of a kind," he replied, glancing my way. "Okay, if you don't want to, then we won't. We are each other's love. I'll do whatever you want, my love."

He leaned over for a kiss, then we made love. We lay on the clouds later, admiring the stars.

"Want to camp up here until morning and you can get your coffee?" he asked, which brought a smile.

While lying on his chest and overcoming with complete love, I said: "I can live and die in this love."

"You're energy that is love. Love cannot die," he responded.

Nor live. Love is just love. It neither lives nor dies. Pureness.

"I want some pastries," I said. "They are sweets. I will show you. Going to take human form?"

"Yes," he replied.

Oh boy.

"Surprise me," I said.

In the morning at a bakery shop, I got two cheese Danish pastries and juice. When I came out, I saw Vishnu stood across the street, leaning against an old convertible with a long, light brown hair similar to a surfer; tall with a bit of lean muscle. His jeans were folded over his socks, with his long sleeve pink shirt rolled past his elbow, and a beige leather belt secured tightly around his waist, the eighties style.

Oh my God! Okay, okay. I'm going to love it.

We sat watching the serene, calming ocean, similar to last time, at the same place.

He said he wanted to make love on the beach, since we didn't get to when he took human form. He was told to wait until the evening, although he made a black cloud or something like it, to block the sun. Everything became dark.

"It's night now," he said.

"No. Not yet," I said taking away the dark clouds. We went back and forth until we agreed to set the sun in the afternoon. Later, we made love in the sand then we went back to the abode.

Vishnu wiped his tears as he sat formless as the universe. I was in front of him, also formless. The tears came from how deeply my love had touched him as I'd do anything, sacrificing myself for our love. Then we made love in Vishnu's white bed, now a room adorned with delicate gold curtains. Next, he gave his shell decorated with gold and red rubies. He also gave his golden disc, sword, bow and arrows in quiver, and whatever he had.

"What's mine is yours, my love," he said.

I thought I already have them. Nonetheless, I sincerely thanked him.

"Do you want to some training?" I asked.

So, I went back to the old abode and waited. He was in the air on a white horse with his avatars and he had multiple arms. Krishna was next to him. I transformed myself into Vishnu with many arms and with all the avatars, just like him, almost identical. Krishna was also by my side. However, Vishnu's energy was more brilliant than mine.

The thing is, my love, I'm just like you. Husband and wife become one and the same after a while. They can finish each other's sentences.

"Whenever you're ready, give me what you've got!" I yelled.

He let go of his disc and I released mine. My disc was now golden, big and spun faster than before; unlike Vishnu's. His spun fast, smaller and in vibrant gold.

"She still has some flesh in her," he said, which meant I couldn't use the disc as well as I would like until I was completely formless and crystal clear. My disc once more stopped his, but his was pushing mine towards me and my avatars. I reached my hand to electrify the weapon, pushing it back; but it came through anyway, flying nearly everywhere as we all tried to dodge. The round weapon circled the avatars, and they couldn't stop it. I electrocuted it again, that didn't do much. Krishna was no longer around. Quickly, in a blink, his divine discus cut off all the heads of my avatars. One by one, they became headless. When I saw this, I fell from the air, switching back to my own form, completely disheartened and in disbelief.

"He killed all my avatars! He killed all my avatars! He chopped off their heads!" I said, shocked.

I was on my knees, facing the ground, stunned with what had just happened. He asked Krishna to go assess.

"He killed all the avatars. He chopped their heads off," I said staring off.

"You killed all her avatars!" Krishna yelled to him. He dismounted.

It's not over yet. It's not over yet. I'm not going to let him hold me and say the training is over.

He stood in front of me. I smiled inside and said, "It's not over yet, my love!"

I made all the avatars return even more golden, and quickly I transformed into golden energy, and immersed in Vishnu's, Krishna's, and all of the avatars, then transformed the whole Universe into one golden energy. Abruptly I blasted into gleaming golden light far and wide.

"This is what I'm talking about! This is what I'm talking about!" he shouted. He came to where I was, so we made love.

"You're getting stronger and purer," he said, touching my face.

### Chapter 38

In another meditation, I entered into a room. A tube was there, so I slid through it, then came into a dark room and saw a small pool surrounded by misty air. Aum symbol sprung out from it. Speechless, I watched the symbol floating. Shiva came. I made a little bow, acknowledging him. We observed the symbol glided in the atmosphere. Vishnu came and immediately told his men to capture Shiva.

"Take him away for a while," he said.

"What are you doing? Let go of him!" I shouted, surprised by his action. His men took Shiva into empty air and left without a trace.

"Shiva! Shiva! Shiva!" I screamed across the universe, searching for him; he was gone. At that moment, I realized that a big part of myself was absent.

I have to find him!

High and low, I sought screaming and yelling everywhere; there was no sign. I went back to Vishnu's room, asking him what he'd done to Shiva. He informed that the God of Destruction had to leave for some time. He didn't say what he was doing. At this point, I looked upon Vishnu, my own husband, as a bad guy. He was very powerful, with all of his avatars near him.

"Tell me! What did you do to Shiva? He's me! You can't get rid of me!" I cried.

"Yes, you are Shiva. Do you know how much of you is Shiva? Then, I didn't take him anywhere at all," he said.

He's right. I'm here. I'm Shiva. What is this about? Why did he do this?

I went back to my abode; the one I'd turned into black glossy, shimmering buildings, putting a clear shield over it so Vishnu wouldn't get in. Again, his actions aroused some sort of frustration. Shiva showed up. We hung out. He was now in a metallic copper tone skin. We talked for some time.

Then I heard Vishnu asking his men about what I was doing and how I was doing. He wanted to come by; though they told him to wait.

"It's not a good time right now, Sir," they said, since he'd asked them to watch me. "She put up a shield, Sir!"

"Want to go by the ocean?" Shiva asked. I nodded.

We stood observing the vast blue, calming sea.

"Do you feel bad that I destroy things?" he asked.

As soon as he mentioned this, I understood it right away, because inside I hadn't fully accepted myself as he, completely. Parts of me still felt awful about my rage and the destruction that came along with it. Whenever he showed up, I wanted to ignore him, scared; but nonetheless, I accepted him (or myself) as he more and more. Vishnu was helping, to face whatever was left: anything of myself that I denied.

"No. Not at all," I replied, understanding it much more deeply.

"I destroy to recreate and bring renewal," he explained. His clarifications softened me, aiding my acceptance of myself even more than I had. Somehow the explanations from him were immensely helpful and healing. His love was also great and bottomless.

"I know. If there's no destruction, then there are no creation and no maintaining," I added.

"You understand well," he said.

"Want to go collect sea shells?" I asked.

We walked on sand, putting shells in the bucket.

"I destroyed this sea many times," he said.

"Look how beautiful it is now," I shared and smiled, as it had been renewed and refined.

Vishnu kept watching from above as Shiva and I spent time together. He was hard to resist, it was difficult to not go be by his side.

"Go see him," Shiva said.

"I'm sorry. I will be right back," I remarked, and sailed to see Vishnu and made love to him.

"I love you so deeply," I said touching his face, and immediately returned to pick sea shells with the Destroyer.

"I love him completely," I said to Shiva, about my affections for Vishnu, letting him know that I'd moved on. Once more, he shared his happiness for me.

Sometimes going through this not stopping could be a bit challenging, because of caring for Santi. The Road to Nirvana was released and processing and facing my emotions, as well as what was going on, became tough. Santi wanted more of my attention to where I hardly had time for myself, to breathe, which caused us to fight and yelled at one another.

### Chapter 39

After picking Santi up from school, we went to a children's museum. While I was there, visions wouldn't stop surfacing, and I couldn't pay full attention to either Santi or the visions. There were many things going on. Santi acted up and had to be disciplined for his behavior. It took a long time for him to calm down following his tantrums.

With only a second to myself, a vision of blood dripping inside my body, surfaced. Even my urine became bloody, as well as the clouds and sky: they all turned bloody. I went by the ocean; it was a bloody sea. An image of me crying surfaced, and my tears were of red liquid.

What the heck is going?

Then I was interrupted, so I paid attention to what was there. However, once I got a moment, I was in a room with Vishnu and Krishna. Vishnu told Krishna to drain out all my blood: everything and anything inside had to come out altogether. Shortly, I understood. Krishna put another version of myself on a table, like one at a hospital, to cut me open. However, I sat on the counter with Vishnu. He put his forehead on mine as if he was trying to help me not be disturbed.

When Krishna took out my eyeballs, Vishnu would kiss my lips, although I took a peek. Moments later, my body was white like an alien or a fetus, very fragile, with just veins, clear skin, and darkened eyes. Vishnu once again kissed me.

"It's okay," he said, seeing my discomfort.

"She's ready!" Krishna said. Vishnu went to lie on another bed next to mine and put his arm out as he was going to get an IV. Shortly, his blood was transfused into my body as I lay still in my sheer, see-through white skin.

Blood transfusion.

Now I wasn't just Vishnu's wife, but I'd have his DNA, as well - his entirety.

"All of me, my love," he said during the process. Meanwhile this was going happening; he and I couldn't keep our hands to ourselves: we kissed and made out.

"There's nothing I wouldn't do for you," he said.

Being by my side all night, he fell asleep; but another Vishnu watched beyond the clouds. So, I made a gesture for him to do something with his other self, who dozed off. Later, I gradually recovered and he pushed me around in a wheel chair. As things settled and I gained my strength back, I asked him if we could start a family. He didn't answer.

"Let's have a family," I went on. After refusing to marry him previously, I'd married him again. Instead of wearing cultural Indian traditional wear, we were in modern outfits. I wore a white bridal, strapless gown with my hair up in a bun, and he was in a black and white tuxedo.

My daily life, of course, wasn't the same rather hard to explain, it was challenging even to perform daily routines. It felt like if I became a monk or a nun in a monastery, going through this, would help. There would be plenty of time to reflect; process, understand, and meditate without on-and-off or constant disruption.

Once Santi was in class the next day, I came home to nap, because at three or four in the morning I hadn't fallen back asleep after using the restroom and from meditation. Following my nap, I meditated. This time, I found myself flirting with Krishna.

We chased each other at the beach. When he was about to play his flute, I'd take it from him and he would run after. Then we made out, but Vishnu watched us from his abode. However, I couldn't leave to go to him because I was into Krishna. He disappeared, shortly. Krishna and I made love on the beach, touching each other's faces, lips, and hair.

Then I was at my abode, looking at buildings. They had turned back to normal glass skyscrapers, but I switched them just by blinking, making them golden platinum. I blinked again, changing them to shining black glass high- rises, before putting coconut trees on top of the roof just by blinking. With another blink, a sandy beach appeared. I went to soak in the sun, lounging in a long white chair. One more flash, a few people showed up to enjoy together. Vishnu watched.

I went to where he stayed. We kissed; however, he turned formless and I did as well, to make love to him as the whole universe; transparent. Krishna saw this; he walked away, holding a beer bottle in his hand, as if he wasn't fond to witness this.

What the heck is going on?

### Chapter 40

Next, I found myself underground with stone walls collapsing all over, and parts of the wall weren't breaking. To crash it down, I got a big hammer. A statue of Buddha was in the wall. Then the whole ground shook quickly: dirt, stones, and rocks fell on my head. I tried to get up from under, yet I was blocked by hard clear glass. It wouldn't move even after I pushed it to open. To get through, I turned transparent; but another glass was right above. When I got past one, another was directly overhead. I pushed to get it open, but couldn't get by, this time so I went back and sat down. The Buddha statue was still there in the wall.

Then the whole ground crumbled and stones crashed, hitting my head and body. I was covered with dirt and dust.

"No one! No one! No one locks me down here!" I shouted in frustration and flew up, breaking through all the glass, and came into a room like a museum. Vishnu was there.

"What did I do? What did I do?" I asked him. Was he jealous about Krishna? No, that's not it.

He didn't answer.

"What are you doing? What are you doing right now?" I yelled, asking him loudly.

Again, there was no answer. I grabbed his hand, only to touch him just a bit because he vanished quickly. I was back among stones, dirt, and rocks, which kept falling. Same as before, I tried to get out, and the stubborn glass blocked my way each and every time. Despite my endless attempts, I had no success, and soon I became tired, letting whatever wanted to crash on me, crash on me. Out of nowhere Santi appeared. He was in his teens. He swept me out, passing through every glass.

"No one does this to my Mom!" he shouted. He took me to a room where Vishnu washed me. Santi gave me a shower. After I was cleaned, we walked out to the same street where I had been. We sat on the bench.

"It's okay. I can take it from here," I said. He left.

In a while, I found myself walking up the stairs. A helicopter parked on the roof. I approached the black aircraft. Vishnu came; he was more human and wore a white suit and turban. He had a garland around his neck. He was jovial, smiling and laughing. He got in the helicopter, too. I was the pilot. He touched some buttons as we ascended. I smacked his hand, so he stopped.

I landed on the roof of a building. A bucket lift appeared, I got on. The human Vishnu walked away. The bucket raised up very high, then dropped me off at the highest rooftop.

"God Vishnu! The Maintainer! God Vishnu! The Maintainer! God Vishnu! The Maintainer!" I screamed as soon as I got out, wanting to ask about what he had done. He didn't show. As I yelled, I thought to myself: I'm God Vishnu, the Maintainer. I'm God Vishnu, the Maintainer.

"God Vishnu! The Maintainer! God Vishnu! The Maintainer!" I shouted again.

He showed up as the Universe, clear and see-through.

"Do you see me?! Do you see me?! Do you see me?!" he shouted.

"Yes, I see you! Yes, I see you! I see you! I see you! I see you! I see it now! I'm the God of the Universe! I see it now! I'm the God of the Universe! I see it now! I'm the God of the Universe! I see it now! I'm the God of the Universe! I see it now! I'm the God of the Universe! I see it now! I'm the God of the Universe! I see it now! I'm the God of the Universe! I see it now! I'm the God of the Universe!"

I kept on and on, as if I couldn't stop saying it. It became a mantra, where I must've repeated it a hundred times. I found myself in the underground hall where I looked for a treasure, and saw a key with a briefcase; I unlocked it. As I was doing this, I heard the mantra from different versions of myself in the universe.

"I see it now! I'm the God of the Universe!" This was continuous as I ajar the chest.

In it was energy. I released it. Afterwards, I said: "I see it now! I'm the God of the Universe! I see it now! I'm the God of the Universe! I see it now! I'm the God of the Universe!"

A black helicopter parked in the open. No one was operating it. I hopped on. It ascended as I repeated the mantra, not stopping. By now, I must've said it another hundred times more; as if I couldn't do anything else. Then I was blank, as if I was not in the right functionality, similar to before.

I landed on top of the roof and ceaselessly recited while looking at the city which was now clear and transparent. Everywhere were statues of Buddha. It was breathtaking scenery to be watching, yet I stared off idly repeating and sitting with my feet hanging on the edge of the roof. There was no way of slowing it down.

Vishnu came and held me.

"Everything is okay, my love," he said as I kept on and on, staring off into the distance. He took me back to his room and lay me on his bed.

"She's in shock," he told his avatars as they observed. He gathered his belongings, informing them he was taking me to my abode, where he'd be staying.

"I'll be wherever you are, now, my love," he said.

He flew us to my place.

"If you want to have a family again, we will have family, my love. I will do anything; anything for you, my love," he said.

He sat me down on a chair when we arrived. I went to sit on a swing that had cushion and the top of it was designed with flowers. I tried swinging during repeating the phrase, staring blankly; however, the swing didn't really move only making slight movements, though it slowed down again. Vishnu dropped on his knees, as if he was truly proud of me and my love. Even though I was in disruption and shocked, I was touched by this and couldn't believe what he was doing.

My love.

"How deep is your love?" he asked.

Limitless.

I got up slowly, walking to him, knelt down and hugged him, and whispered: "It's limitless, my love. I love you completely with no limits." My love has no limit, Vishnu.

I opened my eyes, and stared off in the distance, still repeating, just like I had in meditation in my room. Once more I was in disbelief and somewhat in shock. However, it wasn't nearly like how it had been, though I lay in my bedroom blank saying non-stop until I got a headache and needed an aspirin.

Daily things were harder in my physical life; everything that was taking place inside was continuous. It was my living and breathing. It was tough to give Santi the attention he desired. Most of the time, I wanted to be alone to process what was going on. A couple of times I talked to Sean about becoming a monk in order to have time to meditate with no family obligations.

"Monks absorb themselves in Buddhist scriptures. They don't go through any of this," he said.

"Please. I need time, you need to be with Santi as much as possible," I told him. He probably didn't truly know what was going on as far as my romance with Krishna and Vishnu, but he knew I was remembering. On top of it, he probably didn't care. Often, if I had to repeat myself with Santi, I'd yell at him, as if I couldn't catch a break. I realized I'd created all this for myself and needed to accept it.

Close to bedtime, I shut my eyes and found myself with Vishnu watching over the city. Then I was up in the sky turning into Buddha. Momentarily I came down and stood next to him. My hair was down to my shoulders and I wore a white monk outfit, but now in my own form.

"My heart is Buddha," I said.

"You put it back," he commented. After reaching Nirvana, I had been empty to where I wasn't mind, body, or even soul. I had glimpses of experiences here and there, but they were like wind; as if I didn't have any to begin with. Now I put back my heart, containing nothing except for love and compassion: Buddha.

It seemed as though we were standing in front of a big hotel up in the clouds somewhere, and an airplane arrived. The steps lowered, to let us in. We passed many planes as we ascended. Our aircraft got wobbly, yet it kept going. A beige rope was hung on the side of it, I pulled on it. The rope was long; however, it all dropped.

"It is done," Krishna said who was up above us.

"Burn it!" I said when the rope fell into a wastebasket.

"She's free," I heard.

Suddenly I was tied in a wagon, lying down heading elsewhere as a couple of men pulled it into an unfamiliar city.

"She'll be fine," Krishna said to Vishnu, watching in the air. The men released me. I soared into the sky and sat in meditation posture on a pink lotus seat that immediately appeared and glowing.

"Goddess, Goddess," people said looking up.

Abruptly I was inside the empty universe, drifting on a pink lotus seat. Sometimes I would sit, lay down with one hand supporting my head, or cross my legs, relaxing. Vishnu came. We made love as the lotus flower floated. He vanished later. Soon many pink lotus seats soared around me in the empty space, with only light shining in the middle.

Next, I walked on the rooftop toward Krishna and Vishnu, both were transparent.

"God," I said when I reached them.

"Goddess," they both said.

Then I made love to Vishnu in midair, with nothing around us except energy. Amid making love, he turned into Krishna.

"Krishna. I love you so much," I said. Krishna turned into Vishnu.

"I love you, my love," I said.

It looked as if I was making love to two Gods as One; or One God as two.

Lately, instead of finding myself with Vishnu, I'd be with Krishna. We'd be chasing each other around in the sand, making love and playing our flutes.

"Please don't leave me," I said when he got up, went to dive into the ocean, and brought back blue white flower in his hand.

"Thank you, my love," I said smelling the flower. Sometimes I'd find myself with Vishnu, and would say the same thing.

"Please don't leave," I'd say, while we held each other after making love.

Then I was with both of them, getting on the same airplane. It headed upwards, passing many levels, but it never landed. When it finally descended, we got off, and walked on gold. The plane disappeared. Everything was gleaming, radiant gold. A golden luminous sun was ahead of us. We headed that direction.

"The Golden Land," I heard.

### Chapter 41

Then, I was myself among other Goddesses sitting on our pink lotus flower seats in the air smiling, and chatting.

"What are you going to wear?" asked one of the Goddesses, since I was now in my gray underwear, a Brazilian style that said, 'Love pink' and had a black and white flowery bra on. However, if I wasn't asked, I wouldn't have noticed I was in my undergarments as if they weren't even there. There was no thought about it.

They all wore their golden shiny outfits except for Quan Yin, who was wearing her soft white ancient Chinese-style dress. I made a gold attire appear on my body, yet it wasn't me, so I changed to a red sari with gold around it, though that wasn't me, either.

It has to be white.

I put on a white blouse with white pants, looking like a karate student, with my hair up in ponytail and a white belt tied around my waist (although I made the outfit softer in texture).

First, we glided about the garden surrounded by willow trees, then we walked towards the pond to soak our feet in the running spring water. The Gods showed up to watch, admiring the Goddesses up in the clouds. The husbands adored their wives. Krishna watched Radha meanwhile Vishnu observed Lakshmi and Rama was captivated by his wife. I had no one.

Suddenly, my whole system became heavy. I rubbed my chest, as if I just had another dose of emotional shock. Quickly, I left the garden crying uncontrollably, once again brokenhearted. Krishna returned to his wife, as did Vishnu. As I'd just arrived to this plane, I had no abode, so I went to create one somewhere far away from everyone. I made lotus ponds, spring water, and green grass appear in the clouds weeping by myself.

" _Oh my God, Oh my God!" I can be alone. I can be alone. In me are masculine and feminine energies. I need no one._

I kept sobbing, feeling left out soaking my feet in the pond lying on my back torn in pieces and bits.

I need to go somewhere. Maybe I can go to Quan Yin. She has no one.

This thought left as soon as it came, though I just wanted to be alone. Then I was on Earth, standing next to a waterfall in an unknown forest. My energy was now glowing clear, light, pure white. A few hitchhikers saw me crying.

"Aren't you a Goddess?" one of them asked. I didn't reply and took myself to the beach, sobbing and drawing a heart shape once more in an emotional devastation. The Gods and Goddesses watched as they were up past the clouds.

"I can do this. I can be alone. I have no one but me," I whispered continued drawing hearts in the sand.

"Isn't she new?" one of the Gods asked.

The Gods and Goddesses' energies were clear gold when I looked up at them watching me cry. I made a hand gesture, asking them for privacy as I sobbed, holding myself and rolling on the beach. Just moments later, Krishna headed to where I was. He was still far away, so I ran to hide behind the tree full of tears. When he came near, he stopped.

"I'm here for you!" he said, yet I didn't respond and kept on crying with hands covering my mouth.

"Going to the end for you!" he yelled. That sounds like Vishnu's words.

His love made me sob even harder.

"I can go to the end for myself, my love," I said softly. How deep is your love?

"It's bottomless," he answered.

Still bottomless?

Slowly, I came out from behind the tree.

"It's not like I can't see you," he said hugging me. "I can't be without you. You're my one and only love."

Soon I was back in his arms, talking, smiling, and kissing. We were together like we we'd been, just us.

"Is Vishnu letting her go back to Krishna?" one of the Gods asked.

The Gods and Goddesses strolled along the quiet ocean at night, enjoying their evening. When Lakshmi and Vishnu strolled by, it didn't invoke anything in me because Krishna and I were back together. Then the God of Maintainer turned around looking my way as if he couldn't forget me, I became uneasy. Just one glance from him shook my whole.

Oh my God. Oh my God.

My love for him returned; tears streamed down my face.

"Give me time, my love. Give me some time," I said to Krishna then flew away from his arms, went back to my garden, and soaked my feet covered in tears. However, Vishnu and Lakshmi came strolling in. She had her arms wrapped around his. I lifted myself up, sobbing. He stopped, bent down, made a bowl of water appear, then put my feet in it and washed and dried them.

"Vishnu, what are you doing?" she asked. He didn't respond. When he finished, he stood up. They left.

Quickly, I found myself in the clouds just little above my new abode trying to tame a white tiger. The creature kept pacing back and forth grinding its teeth, as if it was going to attack.

"It's okay. It's okay, my love. It's okay," I said reaching out my hand. There were other animals around, including elephants, Bengal tigers, and more. In little time, I tamed the gorgeous white beast. It came to sit next to me and I massaged its head; however, the elephants ran my way. I dodged them, ran over thorns, and fell.

"Ouch!" I yelled.

Krishna came speedily, lifted me up, and took the thorns out of my feet. Similarly, he absorbed the pain and healed it, before making a bowl of water appear. He put my feet in it then washed and dried them. Vishnu saw this, he shouted from above us: "She's your wife, Krishna!"

This only meant that he was letting me go back to the Divine God, which was fine. Krishna and I were almost like how we had been, even though I wasn't sure how I was going to move on from Vishnu. I put my head against Krishna's.

"Give me some time, my love," I said again.

Moments later, I found myself in my abode. The Gods and Goddesses watched as I played my guitar up in the atmosphere, and making white lotus flowers fall from the sky. Even by myself without a partner, I was fine with it, this time. They clapped their hands. One of the Goddesses commented, "She's a beautiful Goddess: completely beautiful."

As they watched in admiration, Vishnu couldn't keep his eyes away.

"Go to her," Lakshmi said.

He took me to his serpent; we kissed and made love. I lay against his chest afterwards. A very long rope bridge appeared.

"Cross the bridge. Go see Brahma," he said. Unsure why, since I'd already met the Creator and worked with him, although I was open to this. I stood up to cross the bridge.

"Krishna will go with you," he said.

Krishna came walking along the bridge, holding my hand while he walked on one above mine which was made of wood boards instead of a rope, like one I walked on. We flirted, scratching each other's hand and crossing. When I became wobbly, he held my hand steady smiling and gazing at each other.

"Wow! One husband doesn't come; another comes instead. How nice!" said Brahma from nowhere.

The bridge was, indeed, long.

"Want to camp out?" I asked. He made a tent appear. I walked up to his bridge and spent the night. We made love.

"Take your time, why don't you?" Brahman yelled again.

However, during the day when I wasn't meditating, I hung over Vishnu as if I couldn't go on. With Santi, I still had short fuse if I had to repeat myself numerous times; nonetheless that day was better. His cousins came over and played with him but they were loud. At times, I just wanted to break down. Everything changed, I wasn't the same now that I'd come to remember and was conscious of what was going on. This time, I was going all the way no matter what. It looked as though I was ready to go at it again after a couple days of recouping from the shock.

At night, after putting Santi to bed, I crossed the bridge. Krishna wasn't there. The rope bridge was very lengthy, so I soared to near the end of it. Then I walked on the stone bridge; the same one where Vishnu was, in his cosmic form.

Shiva sat ahead, holding his trishul, with men around him. Immediately, I wanted to open my eyes and come out of meditation, wasn't too enthusiastic about seeing him despite the fact that I was accepting him much more. Since I thought I had moved on from him, I was unsure about why he continued to show up; although I was curious to see what was truly going on.

We were on Earth. The place was dim, with glimpses of light. He lifted a cup, pouring tea into it, and handed it to me when I sat. I drank it.

"Goddess," he said, and bowed. I bowed back.

His men left. It was just he and I, alone. Quickly, he leaned towards me. I began to feel this love for him, as if I was in love, so we kissed. He lifted me up, carrying me inside his room that was similar to a big cave with stone wall. He had white fur on the bed, as well as other things hanging on the wall which I couldn't be sure of. A tiger skin was on the floor.

Somebody came in and said, "Your wife is pregnant."

Shiva and I were overjoyed. A baby appeared in my arms, and I held it for a bit before putting the precious little one inside the crib. It looked as I'd fallen for him like I had for Vishnu and Krishna. We kissed on his bed and were about to make love, but a thought of Vishnu interrupted. I tried tuning it out by shutting my eyes and shaking my head a couple of times, even so, an image of the Maintainer kept intruding. I couldn't make love to Shiva.

"My love, let me go find out what's going on. I'm sorry. Please wait," I said then left. However, when I flew up, the God of Destroyer and his men stood in front of the building. This surprised me. He showed in the sky, clouds and everywhere. Suddenly I was a bit afraid he wouldn't let me leave.

"I want to know what's going on," I inquired standing there.

"You're my wife, as well," he replied. Immediately, I understood and became soft.

"Yes, I know, my love. I am," I responded and soared upward landing on the rooftop of a building, in the city where Vishnu, Krishna and I had been. They headed my direction. Shiva came behind them.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"You are Shiva as much as you are Vishnu and as much as you are Brahma," Krishna said. "Three in one; three is one."

Shiva and Vishnu left, only Krishna and I stood viewing the city holding each other by the waist.

### Chapter 42

Later, I was on another rooftop, a helicopter descended. I got on. Brahma was taking me higher. There wasn't a briefcase this time. He let me off somewhere and a clear tube suddenly emerged. I slid through it.

The tube was indeed extensive and swirly. It shot me upwards, and more appeared. I slipped through one, again. It pushed me upwards, with another right in front. Along the way, I saw goldfish in a fishbowl. Then there were many more fishbowls with goldfish. I tipped a couple of them over. This went on for a while. The tube was endless. As I continued, I became tired wanting to rest.

"She can do it," Vishnu said from somewhere.

Before long, I found myself lying in a hospital bed without physical structure, in the bottomless universe. Krishna came to lie by my side. It was another transfusion. Krishna was transferring himself, his DNA, his all. It wasn't blood like with Vishnu, but a clear, sparkly liquid similar to saline. Vishnu was in charge of the transfusion. Lying in Krishna's arms, unable to fathom how boundless his love was. The only thing I could do was lay calmly and speechless, not uttering a word, accepting the completeness of this true affection.

"She's your wife!" Vishnu said after the process was completed.

From then on, it was Krishna and I together like we had been - inseparable.

"Want to go to the Golden Land?" he asked.

"Yes, my love. But I want to create my own," I answered. He again became my one true love, and would show up everywhere by my side, instead of Vishnu.

He and I lay around smiling, looking at each other kissing and holding each other. Swiftly someone in a white horse who wore black and white clothes arrived. I couldn't see his or her face (he/she had a long hood on), and I was pick up onto the horse.

"Krishna!" I yelled.

"I'll be there, my love," he said.

I had a feeling I was being taken to do training. We reached the old abode where Vishnu and I stayed. Vishnu was on his white horse with all his avatars (and more) with him. Krishna showed up. Events started suddenly. Vishnu released his golden disc, and I released my mine; but it wasn't doing anything. My disc was now silver instead of gold platinum.

"Vishnu! Heaven and Earth; this whole universe! Come to me at once!" I shouted turning myself transparent; see-through, as the whole universe itself. They came at me, but things looked no different than making a splash inside the vast, limitless world.

"You guys are inside me," I said laughing.

"Krishna! Take down your wife!" Vishnu shouted.

Krishna.

I was soft not because I was afraid, but he was my love.

"There doesn't seem to be a need," Krishna replied. Nonetheless, he gradually faded into big, golden energy.

"Husband, do you remember that once you told me I can neither be created nor destroyed?" I said.

"You can't be destroyed," he said. We were up in the air transparent and kissing.

"I don't think he's going to take her down," said one of the Gods.

An hour later, I woke up. I must've fallen asleep during meditation, but went right back to sleep, deeply fatigued though when I woke up to use the restroom, I wasn't able to fall asleep. I meditated. However, I wasn't in good spirits, wanting to cry; possibly still going through shock. It was wearing off, yet my system was still reversing.

I found myself lying on a clear energy, until it had water in it. This could be my tears, because I was sobbing and rolling feeling deadness and pain. Unsure what else was happening, everything seemed to be all jumbled together. It could be the major the changes that continually taking place.

My station wasn't the same, when I went back. Then I left to my new abode, the garden, and cried. To cheer myself up, I put stars in the sky then made trees and more ponds with white swans and lotus flowers appear. The sadness (or what appeared to be something similar, since it was mixed with other emotions and energy), I shed more tears.

Abruptly I was on clear air, nothing around except lying in the pool of my own cries. I made lotus petals fall covering my body, yet this didn't do much. Gently I sat up to play the flute, though this didn't put a happy face on me, either. The flute had more decorations on it, but I didn't truly understand what those meant, at the time.

"Let's go get our wife!" I heard Vishnu said to Krishna.

He was about to come, although Krishna stopped him.

"She has all the strength to get to us," he said.

He didn't come, both just watched. A baby appeared in my arms, though it soon vanished. A glass of tomato juice (or something like it) appeared. Despite the fact I wasn't sure what it really was, I drank the liquid. A clear plastic tube suddenly emerged, I crawled toward it. Similarly, it was long and swirly. Regardless, I slid through again and again traveling the never ending tube, and was getting exhausted and had to take breaks along the way by lying down before sliding pass another one. Then, finally, I was shot up to the rooftop.

"Brahma!" I yelled.

A small black helicopter came to my hand, similar to a kid's toy. It became a full-sized helicopter when I stretched it out, and then I hopped on.

"Take me higher!" I said to the Creator.

As we ascended, I saw a briefcase, and opened it. The papers were once again blank and white. Children's notebooks were on the seat, with crayons and wide spaces between the lines for youngsters to learn to write. With a black crayon, I drew a heart on the kid's book. While observing my drawing, I flipped to another clean page then wrote 'I love,' and paused to listen.

"I love so deeply, so truly, and so completely. I love so deeply, so truly, and so completely. I love so deeply, so truly, and so completely," I said and began to cry, unable to believe who I came to be.

Is this who I am, now?

I didn't write anymore, though continued saying this over and over until an indescribable, overwhelming love for Krishna arose.

"I love you, Krishna so truly, so deeply and so completely. I love Krishna so truly, so deeply and so completely. I love Krishna so truly, so deeply and so completely. I love Krishna so truly, so deeply and so completely. I love Krishna so truly, so deeply and so completely."

It became another mantra that I couldn't stop saying.

Brahma dropped me off in front of a building that looked like a hotel.

"Go get your wife!" Vishnu told Krishna.

By now, I was staring off in the distance again, repeating the same thing. Krishna came and held me, then took me to an elevator. He pushed a button, but I wasn't sure which level we were going to, while he held me as I idly kept on saying how truly I loved him. However, the elevator didn't go far, coming out on the same floor. He took me into it again, this time he pushed the down button. He was behind sitting and holding me as I sat on the floor reciting blankly, nonstop.

We came into a bright room that held one big Buddha statue in the middle and other things in it. As I was in a daze, continually repeating, I wasn't sure what else was around. Krishna left as I sat in meditation posture.

"I love Krishna so truly, so deeply and so completely. I love Krishna so truly, so deeply and so completely. I love Krishna so truly, so deeply and so completely. I love Krishna so truly, so deeply and so completely. I love Krishna so truly, so deeply and so completely. I love Krishna so truly, so deeply and so completely."

Light green energy seeped out from my body, gradually I turned into Krishna.

Krishna.

Witnessing myself as he softened me, yet I continued repeating and turning more and more into him.

Krishna. Krishna, Krishna.

Then this love energy engulfed my whole entirety, while Krishna watched with Vishnu in midair, calling me: "Krishna. Krishna."

Moments later, the chant switched to: "I love so truly, so deeply and so completely. I love so truly, so deeply and so completely. I love so truly, so deeply and so completely. I love so truly, so deeply and so completely."

I fell onto the floor, reciting it as if I couldn't stop, my head began to hurt. It was if I was going insane, unable to halt. My head got tensed, feeling like I was going to uncontrollably repeat, until I collapse.

"Go get your wife, Krishna!" Vishnu said.

"She's not done yet," Krishna replied.

Now I lay on the floor flat, saying continuously, stone-faced, as if I was about to go crazy. Gently, I picked myself up. The mantra slowly faded, before it finally altogether stopped. I dug into the dirt and found a golden key then more keys (almost a hundred).

One of these, again.

Drawers and chests appeared on the walls and all around the room. I unlocked some. There were plenty of keys and drawers. To unlock them all at once, I tossed the keys to open every drawer.

"Unleash all my powers!" I shouted. There wasn't anything useful, but I uncovered one drawer releasing something I couldn't exactly remember.

"Come on! There must be something here."

Even looking in the Buddha statue's palm, there wasn't anything. After examining the room, I glanced at the statue again, made my way to it, and broke the stone in half with my hand. Energy sprung out, floating upward while I lifted myself up alongside watching it. The light jade energy turned into a transparent Buddha.

"Buddha! Buddha! I love you so truly, so deeply and so completely. I love you so truly, so deeply and so completely, Buddha."

The meditative scene changed, standing in front of Vishnu out on the balcony, of an older building.

"I love you so truly, so deeply and so completely," I said.

Green apples appeared. Since he and Krishna had eaten it one time, I picked up the fruit to take a bite, anyhow not for sure if it was rotten because I spat it out, before smashing the whole apple on the floor. A long, spiral green leaf grew out from it, turning into a grapevine.

"You can't destroy, anymore. It creates something else," he said.

Later, I grew apple seeds on the deck. Vishnu left. Krishna came, as I planted the seeds. He and I were like husband and wife again. Suddenly three blue baby Krishnas with loose curly hair, wearing little pants with gold around their necks and peacock feathers tied to their hair with a hairband, crawled around. I lifted one up and held him in my arms. At least twenty more appeared.

Is this our family, now? I wasn't even pregnant.

"We never had a family before. Is this making up for it?" I asked. He didn't say anything; however, I accepted it. The babies were everywhere: on the roof, balcony, and all over the floor; and one was about to bite an extension cord.

"Krishna, please get him down!"

He reached up to get one, crawling on the rope in midair. Once it was nighttime, and the children were all asleep, I said: "I'm going to go see Brahma."

It was no doubt stressful with all the kids, and needed to spend time with a friend. Brahma sat on a balcony smoking, still had the mustache.

"How are the husband and the kids?" he asked.

"You smoke, now?" I asked.

"Is there a cigarette? Am I even smoking?" he said.

We sat, looking at the city.

"You have to go away for a bit. Go tell your husbands," he said.

"There's no need; they already know," I replied.

"You still need to tell them," he insisted.

Krishna was sleeping when I got home, but he woke him up when I crawled into bed. "You're going away with Brahma?" he said holding me, as I touched his face.

"Yes. Just for a bit," I responded. "I will miss you. It might be hard."

Then we made love, though I would say this was the longest lovemaking session we'd ever had. Wow.

The next day I went to see Brahma. He insisted to let the God of Maintainer know, despite there was no need to do so.

Vishnu was watering plants while I made pauses when speaking, adding a lot of filling words. There wasn't much to say now that I was back with Krishna.

"Um, I'm a going away, um, for a bit," I said and rested before saying, "Um; just a bit, with Brahma. Yeah, just for a bit." And stopped then went on, "Then I'll be back."

I cleared my throat.

"You don't even need to tell me. You already told your first husband," he replied, pausing for momentarily. "I just can't stay around waiting for you."

"You wait for me?" I asked a bit soft, waiting for him to say more. He didn't, so I left.

Why did he say that? Wait for me?

The Creator waited on the balcony smoking again.

"Give me that cigarette!" I said, taking it from him and inhaling it a couple of times.

"The husbands?" he asked.

It seemed I needed to relax from the relationships with the two Gods.

"I'm ready!" I said.

A big white swan flew to us; we hopped on its back. I was behind Brahma, with my arms around his waist.

"You fly on a swan?" I asked with wide eyes.

"Do something!" he said when we arrived to a cave.

The cave had an opening with light shining on it, with orange and white stripes of clay dirt around it. For the light and sun to shine through completely, I took out the dirt roof. Then I put a fountain in the middle of it, making the water shoot up high, as well as adding green plants to a few spots to enhance the stone cave. Then I made shiny glass and gold platinum buildings appear, turning it into a city, as well as putting tall trees around the area that became very scenic; similar to a park in the city.

At night, I lit up the entire galaxy with shiny, shimmering, gold, bright stars. While sitting under a tree, I said: "Gosh, I miss Krishna. Maybe he can visit, then leave."

Immediately, he showed up in the sky. It made me smile, so I pulled him to where I was. We made a tent over us, then we made love. We camped out and gazed at the calming nightly sky with more sparkly stars I'd just put in.

Like before, I must've fallen asleep during meditation and dreamt of creating many things with Brahma. For instance: I turned three hot air balloons into one, making it bigger and creating more space so it could hold more people. And using a small boat instead of baskets for a romantic atmosphere for lovers and friends to enjoy champagne or eat as they witnessing the spectacular view.

Then we were somewhere else. He told me to expand the sea without making a flood. Once I stretched out the ocean, I added a big stone statue of Zeus (a supreme deity of ancient Greeks) looking at the water. It was a nice creation. Krishna was invited to see it, afterwards.

In my daily life, at times everything was okay and other times, I wanted to burst out crying. It seemed as if I was still going through the energies of 'reversing everything'. My love with Vishnu and Krishna was constant. They became my breath, minute in and minute out, as if there was nothing else besides this. When I got a chance alone, I'd process the meditations, and missing and longing for those Gods. They showed up all the time, occupying my whole completely.

### Chapter 43

When I woke up at night to use the restroom, I wasn't able to fall back asleep, tossing and turning missing Vishnu completely. Once I shut my eyes, I found myself searching all over for him; even shouting across the whole universe until locating him reclining in his serpent with Lakshmi. He wore an orange golden outfit with a gold crown and a few garlands around his neck. She wore a similar outfit: a red golden sari, with garlands around her neck, like they'd just had a wedding. I walked in, and knelt in of front of him. Lakshmi sat just below his serpent, feeding the chickens while I professed my undying love to him, saying that I couldn't be without him despite Lakshmi being there.

"I'm here for you! Going to the end for you!" I said. He didn't say a word. I was on my knees soft, deeply vulnerable, watching him nearly reduced to tears.

Then I observed Lakshmi feeding chickens, I fed them, too. Just moments later, I glanced at him, in tears saying: "I love you so truly, so deeply, and so completely. I love you so truly, so deeply, and so completely."

Going to the end for you.

However, he didn't say much. I got up and went to the roof, holding my flute. I wept rolling on the rooftop and professing my endless love.

I can't forget you, Vishnu.

As I was in tears, he and Lakshmi stood on another roof watching me sobbing and holding myself.

"You can't let her go," she said seeing him soft.

He came. Slowly, I picked myself up.

How deep is your love?

This time, he didn't answer. As I was about to walk away he said: "You've moved on."

I closed my eyes briefly because it was all true. Krishna and I were completely back together, in spite it, I still longed for Vishnu.

"I'm here! I'm here for you!" I shouted and wept.

He didn't utter a single word. So, I flew away wanting to be alone, and went to sit on clear energy in the empty universe. He came and sat by my side, not saying much. I turned away; he went to sit on my other side watching. He didn't seem like full Vishnu, so I made a big bubble around him and blew it away. Another version of him appeared. I did the same.

"Look! She just blows me away," he said to another deity, observing all the while in midair.

Was that really him?

Then he really came, lifted me up and put me on a return tray line he'd just made appear, in a cafeteria with the dirty dishes.

What the heck?

My curiosity led me to find out what exactly was going on, as I was about to jump off. Plenty of dirty unwashed dishes, broth, and food that fell off the trays covered my body. The line passed a bathroom with showers, so I got off and showered, washing myself with soap; then shampooed my dirty hair which was covered with food. My white tee-shirt was brown and tainted all over, like it had been dyed. Once finished and looking very clean, I dried my hair. It was healthier and lush. Vishnu entered and had me face the mirror. I couldn't see myself, but soon the mirror melted. He turned me towards another one, it too, faded.

There's no mirror.

He carried me out to the universe. We kissed, touching each other's faces, missing each other deeply.

"My purest," he said about to make love to me.

"Vishnu! Leave my wife alone!" I heard Krishna shout from somewhere.

Immediately I stopped kissing Vishnu, unsure why Krishna would do this, since he knew I couldn't be complete without Vishnu, either.

"I'm sorry, Vishnu. Let me go see what's going on. I'm sorry," I said.

Krishna had his back toward me.

"What's going on? You know I can't be complete without both of you," I said.

He walked away. I sat by myself, didn't return to the Maintainer. Later, I made stars covering the sky. Krishna arrived. I leaned on his shoulders. He turned around looking at me, touched my chin, and asked, "Am I not enough?"

His question nearly brought me down to my knees. I was stunned and got up pacing back and forth. How could he even ask such a question?

"You're more than enough! I can't even say how much you mean to me: you're limitless to me, Krishna!"

The question truly was disheartening, tearing up my inside.

How could he even ask such question?

We sat quietly then we made love. In the mist of making love to him, I said, "I love you so truly, so deeply and so completely."

From then on, we were together inseparably; our love was at a turning point. It became very complete, more than when we first married. We made love often; and even how we made love changed. Our energies floated up, intertwining and blending into one another as we both were formless, making love in the air above the ground.

Wow!

Afterwards, I lay on his chest, melting into him with an utmost love that was sincere, deep, so true, and so complete. I could only live and die in him and couldn't do anything else.

He's my supreme love, my supreme power.

"You're my God, Krishna," I said lying there, fading into the affection as if nothing existed beside this.

The meditation scene soon changed to the golden mirror room where he and I were, after exchanging Valentine's Day gifts. It became a regular room, with mirrors. My face was buried in my arms on my knees: I was sitting against the mirror, as I'd just dreamt all this. I saw myself wearing a black shirt with long beige white sweater wrapped around my waist. Krishna entered, reaching for my hand.

Now we were up in the clouds, somewhere I had never been. It looked as if I was pregnant. My stomach had grown, but still in early months. I lay in our bed as he drained fish out of me with a clear, long tube. First, he let out big ones into the ocean, then the tiny ones. He worked with some people on the rooftop, watching the fish going down the tube. Another version of myself suddenly showed up, washing and cleaning the bathroom floor.

"Your husband is making everything possible for you. He's a good husband," she informed.

"Yes, he is," I said agreeing with her, and realizing he wasn't just my husband. Krishna was deeply ingrained and flowing inside as one DNA that couldn't be apart.

"He's like me in every way; we are the same. I can't be without him. We are one."

Lying on the bed with a couple of pillows to support my back, suddenly I turned into my mom just a tiny bit, not full-blown. Another copy of myself appeared.

"You're already gone!" she yelled.

My mother vanished. It was no doubt something that I hadn't fully faced; probably residual insecurity.

To see what Krishna was up to, I went on top of the roof. He had just finished draining, yet he wasn't around. A clear, big empty fishbowl with sparkly water in it sat nearby. I approached it. Someone threw a rock at the bowl and broke it, another appeared. About three kids came to help put small rocks inside the big giant fishbowl.

My pregnancy progressed, and soon I gave birth to a girl. Krishna wasn't around, but images of him were everywhere in the atmosphere as I lived a normal life. When the baby was about one year old and able to walk, I took her to the park; then a museum, showing her different pictures on the wall. I came out of meditation.

Is this the end of us?

I burst into tears missing Krishna, didn't want our relationship to end. After he helped me remember myself, it would end.

During the day when I wasn't meditating, I'd miss Vishnu and the relationship we'd had. The songs on the radio reminded of our relationship. Santi and I often went for car rides. He'd wake up early in the morning, with plenty of time to spare. This also gave me time to process.

The Road to Nirvana was uploaded into an ebook, and I tried to find resources to advertise the memoir despite that there wasn't much desire in me to do so. Once Santi was dropped off at school, I thought about going to the library to obtain lists of media release addresses and websites. An image of the same librarian who'd helped me last year occurred. Fuck.

She was there, when I came into the library. All this time, I'd hardly seen her despite going to the library often to get books for Santi to read. She was wearing the same outfit as I had seen her in my vision. However, no one sought her aid, so I was okay asking her to help. It wasn't as awkward as before, yet she yawned frequently, but that turned out to be cute.

In the evening, I headed downstairs to work out. Santi was with his grandparents. Once finished with my exercise, I came upstairs, and cried before stepping into the shower. Everything had definitely changed inside. I was on the other side of the spectrum, for certain. At times when the heavy, unbearable energy crept through, despite it was deeply challenging. I kept telling myself "I can do it," not realizing how hard this journey had been.

While Santi and Sean ate their dinners in the evening, I was upstairs browsing for pictures of Krishna. Most of the pictures were of him with Radha, so I skipped over them, feeling jealous similar to when I'd seen pictures of Vishnu and Lakshmi.

Maybe I need to continue working with Brahma.

Sitting in my room before going to bed, a vision of Krishna wanting to make love surfaced. Since I missed him completely, we kissed then made love by immersing our energies together as one.

"I love you so truly, so deeply and so completely," I said. "I will be with Brahma for a bit."

### Chapter 44

But when I closed my eyes for meditation, I didn't see Krishna, but found myself walking into a room. Vishnu sat on a recliner eating meatballs on a stick. An elderly maid brought him more. After observing her closely, I recognized she was myself in my sixties, with wrinkles and partially gray hair. The room was completely golden, almost a yellow gold. He wore a golden outfit and eating quite a lot of the meatballs, asking if I wanted some. I declined. She then brought him water, looked at me, then said: "For your husband."

I took the tall, clear glass and placing it on the table. Abruptly, he became sick. As his temperature rose, I held him close and was about to absorb his illness, but he said: "No. Let it be."

He wanted to get up to use the restroom, I assisted him. To help him feel better, I gave him a bath, wiped him, and changed him into clean clothes. Another Vishnu saw us in his golden energy beyond the clouds, with a few of his avatars nearby.

"How can I let her go? She's truly devoted to me," he said.

I gave him water, which turned out to be tonic water to refresh his system. Soon, he was fine again. However, it didn't seem like the romance was there; just complete love, as though we were an older couple taking care of each other. We often stayed home, so I made a suggestion for us to go for a stroll and enjoy the sunset before turning in for the evening. We went for a quiet walk along the path at the town where I lived, then came back, ordered food for the night, and we'd watch a movie.

"I don't want to watch a movie,' he said, and flipping through television channels instead. "There's nothing to watch."

He turned the TV off; we both read books.

There was no difference between this and our daily lives, from what he showed.

He fell asleep. I turned the lamp off, made myself comfortable about to sleep; however, Krishna came asking me to go with him.

We sat down, playing our flutes and admiring the gleaming stars at night. He suddenly fell asleep on my shoulder, yet when I looked closely he'd actually died.

"Krishna! Krishna! Oh, no. Oh, no," I screamed.

Momentarily, I found myself taking his corpse to burn in the countryside. Then took his ashes and tossed them into the river. A little boy in blue skin with a hairband wrapped around his head, with a peacock feather showed up. He ran and skipped ahead. I followed. He was, indeed, a boy: climbing trees, playing with cows, playing pranks on others, and he was fearless. Then he grew to almost where he was now, the age he was with me, and became a lover making a sweater for a girl.

He was more mature in love: sincere, kind, and gentle. He took the sweater to a young lady who was standing by the pond waiting for him. When she turned around, I saw my own face, though my skin was blue. He put the sweater on her, asking if she liked it. She smiled.

Later, I went to see Vishnu. He was playing ball in an open area under the semi-dark sky. He was loud, just like any man when he got into his game. Shiva came. They played together loudly. I left to look for Brahma.

He sat on a tree branch, not smoking, this time. I sat next to him, but Krishna came and stood a distance from us.

"I'll be right back," I told Brahma.

The Divine God said he missed me, so we made out, then made love.

"I love you so truly, so deeply and so completely," I said, as if I could only live and die in him, lying on his chest and melting in this completeness of love.

Brahma and I went to a canyon. He asked if I wanted to change it. I glanced at it, it seemed like the orange clay gorge was good as it was; nonetheless I went to get a closer observation. Into a dry valley, I put enough water to create flowing streams. From where the canyon started, I added a little pond and then put fish, frogs, and turtles in it. I also created a fish with two heads, going different directions.

Is this why there are conjoined twins?

It had hard time moving, so I turned it into a three-headed fish, instead. To enhance the pond, I put green grass around it, plus a small tree standing in the middle on top of a stump and gray rocks big enough for turtles to soak in the sun. Afterwards, I put my golden light to the entire canyon to keep it fresh and healthy, then walked along it, watching the water flow. The fish swam and crickets jumped on the banks. The canyon came alive.

"You put life where there's deadness," he said when I came up.

However, another version of myself appeared walking further away. She didn't seem well, but kept on as we walked looking my way. Soon, though, she fell deeply ill, I ran to her, about to heal her, but she told me not to.

"I'm letting it all go," she said. I stepped back and watched her fade.

"She's giving you a very important message," Brahma said when I came back, although I wasn't quite sure what I truly had to let go, until then I could only understand the message. We came into a forest. It was windy, branches of the trees moved and a clay tray that wasn't there before just surfaced, spun.

"Stop it!" Brahma said.

Just by slowly reaching out my hand, everything stopped, unmoving, and froze while it took a second longer for the clay tray to completely halt. My mouth dropped open.

"Let it go," he told.

Everything moved again when I put my hand back. I did it one more time and similarly, everything paused except that the clay pot took just a bit more time before it became stationary. When I let go, everything moved.

Wow! Does this mean I have control over everything?

An image of me stopping the waves in the ocean appeared. The whole ocean became completely silent when I reached out my hand to stop the waves. The waves symbolized my emotions: I could stop them, let them be, increase them, decrease them, or just put them away all together: it was my choice. Was this the same as the swing? Now I sat on it, instead of it swinging on its own.

"Yes," Brahma answered. "When you're conscious, you have the power."

"And when you're not?" I asked.

"Your unconscious does everything. You don't know what's what," he shared.

Yeah, like how my rage controlled me, before.

"You practically destroyed everything," he added.

Krishna appeared over the atmosphere. I smiled.

"The husbands?" he asked.

"I only stay with one, now," I replied.

However, he hung out with Shiva and Vishnu. They were a bit noisy, beyond the soft, white clouds. It was similar to being downstairs when the men were watching football or something upstairs, being loud; you couldn't hear them yelling or shouting, but something was moving or shaking.

Brahma and I carried on. We came into land which had nothing in it. I created a new city overlooking a big river. I wasn't done. Those men became noisy, distracting me. Now the clouds shook like they were rumbling around.

"Oh my God!" I said, looking up to where they were. But when I turned around, the whole city was almost all built.

"You create continuously, whether you're aware of it or not," he said. "There must be creation, destruction, and maintenance. This also is continuous."

"Which means you can't blame anyone, since everything is your creation," I added.

"Exactly," he said.

Gosh, I still blame, sometimes.

"Shiva is in charge of destruction and transformation; Vishnu is charge of maintaining this universe; and I'm for creation," he continued.

"Krishna?" I asked.

"He's all three: full God; who you choose to be with. Your husband," he responded. Briefly I stared at Brahma. Oh my God, that means I make love to him, too, since Krishna is all three?

"Aren't they all three?" I asked.

"Yes, but they have functions," he responded. "Vishnu is the Maintainer. That is his capital function."

"He's such a powerful force," I said.

"You're a very powerful force," he informed.

They became completely rowdy; it was hard to hear Brahma.

"I need a feminine energy; a friend, besides them. Ganesh is male, too; and you. Do you have a wife I can hang with? I'm with these guys, and they are rough."

Maybe I can hang with Quan Yin.

Sometimes I wasn't sure how I survived relationships with them all. Their energies were truly strong and powerful.

"Wait, Brahma," I said as he was about to continue. I was going to yell, asking them to quiet it down. He told me not to because it would be loud, so I soared up to where they were. A bull was also there.

"Who brought the bull?" I asked. No one answered.

"Please! Please! I can't hear Brahma because you guys are so loud! Just lower it down a notch."

The thing was - they didn't want or like it if I was mad or upset, yet I can't elaborate on why. I went back to see Brahma.

"We better shut up," Shiva commented as I was leaving.

They became boisterous again, and once more I couldn't pay attention to what Brahma was saying.

"Change the thought," Brahma said. Although I understood right away, but chose to change it this way instead. I shot up to them.

"Krishna! Shiva! Vishnu! Come to me at once!" I shouted.

They turned into a force; not big like previous, yet truly strong and powerful, coming my way at full speed. I didn't dodge. They pushed me straight; I got out of their way. They went forward; however, Krishna came right back, flying me down on the clouds. He wouldn't get off, and was about to give me a kiss, but Shiva yelled, "Krishna! Get off your wife!"

Then they went on playing, so I called Quan Yin. She came.

"Can you help me handle them?" I asked. She saw me in my purple-checkered shorts and white tee-shirt, she asked: "Where's your Goddess outfit?"

"This seems to be okay," I said, observing it; then switched back to my white karate wear. "Help me with these men! They are obnoxious!"

"You have all the strengths to do it yourself," she said.

"I want to do it with a friend," I told her. She threw an invisible rope around the three of them, tying all together. They struggled to break free.

"Your rope is powerful!" I said. What do you want me to do?"

"Electric shock them!" she said. I grinned.

"Yes!" I said, reaching out my hand, electrocuting them like lightning. You could see the shockwaves traveling through, shocking them all.

"Your husband is out," she said. Then the rest broke free.

"Can you guys just play cards? Please! Please!" I pleaded.

Quan Yin and I went to her abode. It was similar, like before, although she'd switched it around a bit. She had another pond with light blue swans swimming in it.

"Do you want to turn it around?" I asked.

She got out her flute. It surprised me she had one, too. I took out mine and we played. The whole scene transformed from willow trees to regular green, lush green trees, two sparkly ponds with white and pink swans swimming, then one white and pink lotus ponds, and more. It was another world afterwards.

"Wow! Incredible!" I mumbled.

We admired our transformation together.

"Can we hang out sometimes? I don't have many friends up here except the men. I just want to have a friend to chat with."

She replied she would be delighted. She asked about Krishna and the rest.

"Lately, I have been bringing out some emotions which I hadn't experienced for a while, to help me remember."

"Emotions are beautiful," she commented.

"Yes, they are. They are part of me, too, so I like to experience them fully and embrace them all," I added. "Once I'm done, I put them away; but when I need them again, I bring them out."

"They help you to remember," she reminded.

"Yes. Pain, as well," I said, then bowed. "I will be back to visit again."

"Would you like to be around other Goddesses?" she asked.

It took a moment of reflection to respond since I was insecure.

"I'm still not ready. I still get jealous," I told her. She reassured this was normal, as I was new to the relationships with the Gods and being on this plane.

"Thank you for your understanding," I said. She then complimented my creation, especially the canyon.

"You really bring life to deadness."

She also informed to create from 'no thought', which was confusing since I was a 'thought', but didn't question her further. However, later, I understood, somewhat. While Santi and I built Legos, he asked what I was building.

"I don't know, I'm just building," I replied, realizing there was no thought behind or before with what I did or didn't do; I just did.

Chapter 45

Shortly, I was back at the street where I'd gone to pieces, my heart broken by Vishnu. The street was dead and empty: no one was there. Every building, restaurant, and store was vacant, a ghost town. After my observation, I was about to leave, yet thought that maybe I should demolish the whole place. So, I stripped the old streets and crashed down the buildings, stores, and restaurants. Then added green grass, big trees, and benches to create a new town, although everything reverted back to the way it was momentarily.

What the heck?

A space ship came from out of nowhere and landed. I made my way to it. It held a green monster with one eye, with slime all over it.

"You can't do that!" it said.

"Don't tell me what I can or cannot do!" I shouted, then headed away briefly, but came back. "Okay, I'm open. Tell me."

"The town is old, and not ready for destruction. Renovate."

The creature was right. The place was maintainable, sounded like a message from Vishnu. So I added colors to old buildings by painting them, changed the rugs and carpets inside, and put up new roofs, replacing the old ones. Buildings that were completely old, I demolished them, and rebuilt them into something else. For instance, the old Chinese restaurant became a flower shop. Following the renovation, I put a big lake around it before putting a park near the lake; then a sidewalk. A white bridge was built over the water to get to the other side of town. It became a very flourishing urban afterwards. The spaceship was about to depart, I walked toward it. The green monster had turned into a small alien with two antennas.

"Thank you. Please also take the slime with you," I said, amused.

Then I found myself up in a building, in the exact room where Vishnu and I had been in a high rise, where I'd jumped. Everything was exactly identical except that the mermaids weren't there. To restore it, I took out the carpet, the curtains, bathtubs, and bed, and redecorated with new designs. I added new hardwood flooring, painted the walls and put an area carpet in the middle of the room. When the work was done, the room was completely different. It became my temporary place to stay, and I admired the calming view at night. To welcome the new town, I lit up the whole sky with golden, shiny stars.

Later, I left to the park with a small dog. People were out enjoying their evening, watching the bright, lively stars.

Let's put in some shooting stars, too. Many were in awe witnessing them, as I strolled with the dog near the river.

Sometimes, I tried changing my outfit to all-white, like the ones in ancient China similar to Quan Yin's, and styled my hair with black hair pins, clipping both sides back. That was nice, though I switched to a one-shoulder white dress, similar to those worn by Greek Goddesses. It fit; nevertheless I changed back to shorts and a white tee-shirt.

Krishna came, wearing a gray trench coat covering his blue skin. I laughed.

"Let's go home. Let's go up," he said.

"I will. Let me enjoy this new town. I will be up. I just created this," I told him.

No doubt, I missed him dearly, but I'd just rebuilt, renovated, and preserved a whole new place. We kissed, saying that we missed each other and loved each other deeply, and made love on grass. Immersing into his energy was magnificent and indescribable. It was love with such purity and completeness, with romance, passion, and devotion: the whole complete package as one. When it happened, there seemed to be nothing else besides this union.

After getting my morning coffee, I walked to the river with my little puppy. Ganesh came, and I showed him around. He said it was a beautiful creation, praising my work. He was my company for some time, playing catch, shopping, and even walking the dog together.

"Someone really misses you up there," he said.

"Did Krishna send you?" I asked.

"Something like that," he replied. When Krishna left, I did stay a bit longer.

Maybe I can create something up there since there are only clouds, clear light, and golden sun.

It seemed I was getting bored in the upper planes, with nothing to do.

"Ganesh, I'm going to name this city after you," I said. He was my buddy, it would be my honor. Ganesh was excited about it.

What would I call it? He's the God of wealth, remover of obstacles. Once obstacles are removed, only happiness remains. City of Happiness!

"City of Happiness!" I told him. "That's what I'm going to name it. Do you like it?"

"That's a good name," he replied. His statue was built in shiny silver metal, standing in front of a river with water fountains surrounding it. It was big: about twelve or more feet tall, looking at the water on a cement floor. A couple of wooden benches were put nearby, so that people could sit.

"I'll be looking at water," he commented.

"Yeah," I replied smiling.

We left. I came to the clouds where Krishna was, and was about to give him a kiss.

"You have a visitor," he said. Jesus stood ahead next to a big white airplane.

"Jesus!" I said and became excited running toward him. Despite Jesus and I hadn't seen one another for some time, yet I truly wanted to be with Krishna. "What are you doing here?"

He looked around, though there was nothing much to see. Nonetheless, he commented: "This is very high up."

"I just built a city. I'd love to show you, but I just returned from it. Want to play catch?" I asked.

A baseball appeared in my hand. When I was about to throw it, Krishna played his flute. The melody was truly enchanting, without words to interpret where I had to stop to listen to this indescribable tune.

How beautiful.

It echoed everywhere, so gently and softly; as if I'd never heard it. The tune was completely captivating. Jesus and I stood quietly, listening to this Godly sound. As he continued playing, I threw the ball to Jesus at the fastest speed, quicker than anything unimaginable; however, he caught it just like I tossed it to him. He threw the same way, to me: quickly that I couldn't even blink, though I caught it just the same as he did.

Then, what are we going to play?

"What I can do, you can do," he said when I came over.

"Yes. What you can do, I can do," I said.

I made water appear, where we could soak our feet. We made small splashes. Jesus then put his hands on my feet and began washing them.

Oh my gosh, my beloved.

Touched by his action, I put my forehead on his and told him, "I love you so truly, so deeply, and so completely." There's nothing else but love inside me.

When he finished, he wiped them.

"Let's go higher," he said.

Higher? We got inside the big plane.

"What about Krishna?" I asked.

"He's everywhere," Jesus replied.

We went about three or more planes up until we stopped somewhere that looked similar to an airport, but not quite like one, passing the clouds. Since I had never been here, although many planes were similar, I examined the area. About three big airplanes parked, and a few passengers came out of them.

What are they going to see? There's nothing here. I can create.

Golden platinum high-rises big and small, with light blue glass buildings and tall skyscrapers shiny and shimmering around the ocean were created. Then, sidewalks were added on the clouds. Food vendors were stationed alongside walkways so that passengers would have something to eat. A few big, green trees full of leaves were put behind food booths. Later, I showed Jesus what I had done, and added more buildings, sidewalks, benches, and so on during the tour.

"I'm going to name this after you," I told him. To see what name would fit him the best, I slowly paced back and forth pondering.

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. He's God of, God of. He's God of love. City of Godly Love. Yes!

"The City of Godly Love!" I said with a big smile. He nodded with a smile. Krishna emerged over the new city. I beamed, watching him and missing him completely.

In my dreams, I told Krishna I was 'Love'.

"God is love, love is God. I'm Love," I said.

Also during this particular dream, I went up another plane that held nothing but clouds and light, so I made a station, there. It was completely bare, with only one telescope. Then I created another city. However, I named it after myself. The only thing that emerged purely within me was: "Goddess of love and compassion."

Following it, I was with Quan Yin at the lotus gardens, informing her of the name of my city. She smiled.

"That makes two of us," she said.

"Or just one of us, my love," I replied. "We are never apart. I love you so deeply, so truly and so completely. Thank you for being my friend. I must go. I will visit again."

"To the husbands?" she asked.

"No! One is enough!" I replied.

### Chapter 46

Near morning I got up to use restroom, I couldn't fall back to sleep, as usual. Krishna wasn't around when I went to the abode. This led me to look for him everywhere, though he was nowhere. However, he came following a long search but he died, so his corpse was burnt and his ashes were tossed into a river. When I observed myself afterwards, I was transparent, and my skin had turned light blue, with a one-shoulder white dress on and both sides of my hair clipped back. Later, he came and we hung out; he was soon gone. Not much difference, I searched for him across the empty universe once more.

During the day when I wasn't meditating, I'd miss Vishnu. When he showed up in meditation, all I wanted was Krishna. After I didn't find Krishna, I'd sit alone, playing the flute. Then he came. We played our flutes together, but it seemed he didn't want to make love when I wanted to. He kept either walking away or turned his head when I tried to give him my affection. No doubt, this was bothersome, unsure what was going on.

"Are we still married?" I asked. He didn't answer. We sat staring at empty air while he leaned against the tree as I leaned on him, playing with the rubber band in my hand. He had a small pouch. Curious of what was inside; I grabbed the bag. It held marbles. I let them out onto the floor which was just energy. He stood up, we walked on those marbles. It was the same as walking on cement, I didn't fall or wobble. A balance beam appeared. I hopped on and did different gymnastic moves.

Unbelievably, I was really good on the beam. I could jump high, twirl and land perfectly. Even landing on the floor, I was straight and not wobbly like I was a professional athlete. An uneven bar appeared; I jumped on it and did many different moves exceptionally well. This could only mean that I was balanced; or was becoming even more so.

The meditative scene switched to an outdoor sports arena with a pole vault jump. With the long stick in my hand, I ran towards the pole and jumped trying not to hit the bar, but did so every time, plus hit lower ones after the high ones. I tried again. No surprise: I jumped over the bar, but touched it with my shirt. It fell. When making an effort to hurdle over the small ones, I knocked them down, too. I kept going, yet despite how high I lifted myself into the air, with numerous attempts and much effort put into it, I always knocked down the bar, somehow. Now things were to the point that I couldn't possibly do it: after countless times of tremendous effort; I'd tip off the bar again and again.

"I can't do it!" I said in frustration, anxious inside.

"Yes. You can!" Krishna said when he came.

However, he wasn't really Krishna, at least, not completely. As I rested until my next try, a white silver watch came in my hand; it wasn't working. Nonetheless, I put in my pocket instead of throwing it away. Then I took the wristwatch out to look at it, the hands spun like it was out of control. It spun even quicker when I tried to stop it by holding the needle still for quick seconds. Krishna came, wearing an off-shoulder outfit, like myself. We were almost identical, as I was now in light blue skin.

"You stop it!" I said handing him the watch. He handed it back, without doing anything. Let it spin, then?

The hand slowed down before it was dead. Regardless, I wasn't sure why I kept it. Suddenly I was in a room with clocks. Some still worked; though it wasn't long all had stopped functioning. Krishna came telling me to throw the clocks away; as well as the watches I had. He observed me putting every single one into a bucket, and heading to the river. I tossed all away in front of Ganesh's statue.

Next, I was back at the arena, about to do another high pole vault jump with middle ones after it and then lower ones. This time, I put enormous energy into this effort, taking deep breaths before running fast towards the pole with a long stick and jumping way high, but it seemed that the bar rose even higher as I went completely up in the air. Again, I was able to jump above it; yet somehow, in some way, I knocked down the bar. Then I jumped over the ones in front, and barely made it. Ganesh showed up observing, from behind the fence.

"Are you coming to cheer me on?" I asked.

"Something like that," he answered.

"Since we're best friends, why don't you do the jump for me?" I suggested.

"You've got to do that yourself; no one can do it for you," he said.

At this point, I wasn't sure if I had the strength to do it, and felt discouraged in some way.

"You sound like Krishna. Did he send you? I haven't seen him for a while," I said.

Krishna showed up here and there, but it wasn't really him, not completely at least. I became a bit distraught, because even my best friend wasn't even going to help when I became hopeless. The great effort I put in didn't do much. Ganesh saw my disappointment.

"Is there even a bar?" he said.

Of course, this boasted my energy instantly. This was a reminder that was truly needed it.

Oh, I still have a buddy to go shopping with.

Heading back in, as fast as I could, I ran and jumped as high as I was able. The bar didn't fall and I didn't even touch it. As I jumped over the lower ones next to one another, they didn't fall, either. Now I had the reminder to push me on, I did so a few more times, with success. I went back to thank Ganesh. He left shortly; a helicopter arrived and parked in the vicinity.

"Let's go higher," said Brahma.

There was no briefcase during the ride, this time.

"Will Krishna show up?" I asked. He said something, though I can't remember what.

"I love him so completely, so truly, and so deeply," I said.

After all, this was what was inside me, so I shouted it out of the helicopter as we ascended, and making heart symbols in the air.

"There are no words to describe this love, Krishna! There are no words! There are no words!"

The helicopter landed in front of the hotel building. I entered. Krishna was there, and again, it wasn't truly him. We wore the same outfit, though he didn't say anything. He grabbed my hand, leading us up the elevator. He pushed the button to a high level, although there were more levels after it. I came into a dusty room, like an attic.

Should I clean this?

I wasn't sure if I cleaned it beforehand, but I went up the stairs, coming out to the rooftop. It didn't seem that I was going anywhere different. Brahma asked me to go higher. Again, things were the same: he dropped me off on the same roof. This happened a few times; we passed my abode, way up in the clouds, yet landed on the same roof.

What the heck is going on?

He came, about to say the same thing.

"No!" I said then froze the scene, and walking up some cloudy steps which immediately appeared. As I continued upward to what looked to be endless stairs, I came to where there were airplanes parked: the levels I had been to. Then I shot up, as everything was unmoving. Shortly, I landed in my city. Quan Yin was cooking barbecue. Jesus, Vishnu, Shiva, and the rest were there, eating and preparing a cookout.

"We waited," Quan Yin said.

There was no Krishna except for the transparent Krishna who wore the same outfit as I was. Everyone was also transparent. Vishnu came to see me, but because of where I was, I just wanted Krishna.

Then I excused myself to go stand far in the clouds, sulking and screamed Krishna's name a few times. Many copies of him showed up, wearing the same outfit as I did, with blue skin. Everyone was Krishna when I went back to the barbecue party.

"I get the message! Everyone is Krishna!"

I just want the masculine energy that is Krishna, my husband.

Sad and crying a bit, I left the party and found myself somewhere on the streets of a country in Europe with older gothic, renaissance-looking buildings, older cars, and a fashion style possibly from the 1930s or later. After crossing the street, I was immediately looking at numerous dead bodies on muddy ground. It had just stopped raining, and I realized it was a concentration camp. Hitler walked in.

"Why killed so many?" I asked.

"It's their choice," he answered.

Abruptly, the energies of the dead sprung out of their bodies, departing in the air. Next, I found myself sitting across from Hitler in a conference room with a long, glossy wood table. Blank white paper and a pen appeared. I drew a red heart, then slid it across the table to him. He observed my drawing, and pushed it back across the table. Then I wrote God ❤ and slid it across. He observed it and wrote God ❤ back. It brought a smile to my face, then I walked on the table to him.

I put my forehead on his, "I love you so completely, so truly and so deeply, my eternal beloved."

I love with no conditions. No boundaries. No limits. I love all so deeply, so truly, and so completely.

Then I repeated leaving the room: "I love all so truly, so deeply, and so completely. I love all so deeply, so truly, and so completely. I love all so truly, so deeply, and so completely."

As I continued reciting this, I heard the whole universe in tune, joining in unanimously, in accord, together as well as the Gods saying, "I love all so deeply, so truly, and so completely. I love all so deeply, so truly, and so completely. I love all so deeply, so truly, and so completely. I love all so deeply, so truly, and so completely."

Then I was back to the abode. Everyone was present, except Krishna. I was still sullen. Vishnu came, holding my hand, he was proud. My love for him returned.

"I miss you," he said. And, of course, I missed him dearly, as well. We put our heads together, then kissed. We rolled around in the clouds, kissing and looking in each other's eyes; then we made love. Afterwards, I sat leaning on him, playing my flute. He stroked my hair. If Krishna wasn't around, it wouldn't matter now, I was happy with Vishnu again. Shortly, he showed.

"I'm here!" he said, though his appearance didn't do much; however, I went to see him, regardless.

"I'll be right back," I told Vishnu.

The God with the flute didn't turn around, but immediately vanished.

I can be with any Gods I want!

However, this wasn't true anymore: even ten Gods could show up, it wouldn't do anything. The only one God I absolutely wanted was Krishna; then Vishnu.

### Chapter 47

Later, I found myself at the garden playing a banjo in the air; this time wearing a one-shoulder, soft white cotton dress with a white belt around my waist and my hair braided on the sides, tying them back together behind my head, while the rest hung to my shoulders. Gradually, I took the part of a Goddess. The Gods and Goddesses watched, admiring and clapping their hands.

Quan Yin came to join in and we played our flutes together, making music that was completely in tune with one another. If Krishna didn't come, I'd be fine on my own. Later, all the Goddesses went to soak their feet in spring water. The Gods watched their wives up in the clouds. Vishnu admired Lakshmi, this bothered me a little, but I was okay with it until Krishna came to observe Radha. I became unsettled, managed to stay put for a few seconds before excusing myself to a different area.

Quan Yin followed, saying that I was doing much better with jealousy. I stood erect, thinking about putting the 'jealousy' emotion away all together, which I did. Even turning back to watch Krishna admiring Radha, didn't invoke jealousy. I was blank; as clear as if it were nothing. If I were to return to soak my feet, I wouldn't think anything of this.

Am I cheating myself? Taking an easy way out?

So I put 'jealousy' back on. Immediately I was in the emotional state of being jealous and brokenhearted, shaking and trembling inside, provoking me to cry uncontrollably because Krishna was my husband. Seeing him with someone else brought profound pain. Then I told myself that if I was jealous, I was going to experience it all the way in totality, leaving nothing left of this emotion.

"I need to go somewhere, Quan Yin. I'm so deeply, completely, and truly jealous. So jealous!"

At the beach, I wept and rolling on the sand, feeling lonely and dismayed. Another version of myself riding on a white horse came my way and lifted me up. As we rode, I saw my late grandmother and father sitting on the beach.

"Grandma! Grandpa!" I yelled crying. We stopped, I ran toward them bowing my head.

"Thank you, thank you for raising me and loving me. I'm deeply grateful; so completely grateful!" I said full of tears, realizing how much I missed them. They turned into Krishna, transparent, with the off-shoulder white outfit on.

Oh, my God. I'm still jealous.

In fast speed, I soared to the 'City of Happiness' and wept on the bench, emotionally distraught and torn apart. An image of Krishna watching Radha intruded. I screamed and sobbed. "I'm so jealous! So freaking jealous! I'm a jealous God! So jealous! So completely jealous!"

I got up from the bench and walking towards the river.

"I'm so freaking jealous."

Krishna came. Instantly, I put my hand up, telling him to stay distance away because I was 'jealous'.

"So deeply jealous! Very jealous!" I yelled.

He hugged from behind, regardless.

"What will it take for you to know I'm always with you? What will it take?" he asked.

"All of me! All of me! Because I'm God! All the Gods and Goddesses in me! The God strength in me!" I yelled.

"Then, that's what it will take," he said turning me around, and wiping away my tears.

I opened my eyes from meditation, drying off my tears with my shirt lying in bed.

If that's what it is going take, then I will do it!

Santi watched his morning TV shows. I headed downstairs to brew aromatic, creamy coffee. The transformations slowed down just a bit, where I was able to focus on Santi more, though I found myself missing Vishnu during the day, and what we went through. More often than not, I went for a drive to have time to process while Santi sat in the car listening to music and looking at whatever we passed during the ride. And sometimes, he'd sing along loudly with the tunes and asked countless questions, where I could hardly breathe just to have a little break, a time alone.

Once he was at school, I came home to finish uploading the second memoir to another major distributor. Letting go of this memoir was a relief, though I felt a bit nervous. More and more, each day, I noticed that no one was a stranger, as I knew them all. They were me; like one big family; one love.

### Chapter 48

Once Santi was in bed for the night, I took an opportunity to meditate. At once, I was in a semi dark room with Krishna, a hotel. A birthday cake was on top of the fridge with all its candles blown out. He came back to bed after looking at it, I was about to fall asleep. However, another Krishna showed up, wearing a gold outfit with a golden crown and playing a flute in midair as his other self was asleep, facing the wall on the other side of the bed. I sat up watching him then turned around. The Krishna next to my side had died.

I shook him to wake him; there was no point. This time, unlike other times, I became highly distraught yelling after him. A paper and pen suddenly appeared in my hand. I kept drawing a circle until the pencil broke. What? Once more I drew, but it was the same.

End of circle, death. This was the same message I got before my dad died.

His corpse turned into energy, faded away with no trace while I watched, alarmingly disturbed. I became emotional, sobbing undeniably. The other Krishna came to lift me, but it was no use; however, my skin had turned blue. While weeping, I spat out blood. My eyes and tears were full of red blood. Then I scratched my skin and cut myself with a knife.

"She's hurting herself," Vishnu said when he came; standing next to Krishna and watching while I was in state of utter despair. They took me to a hospital. I was put on an IV and a breathing tube to stay alive. There were wounds around my mouth, scars on my face and arms. I lay low, weak and profoundly hurt.

"She won't make it," Vishnu said then left.

Won't make it?

Meaning I wasn't strong enough, which added salt to my open wounds. Inside, I was emotionally fragmented and disfigured, as though my whole was being pulled out piece by piece; like I couldn't even be put back together. After I was discharged, I flew to my city and then Ganesh's, though this didn't relief the unspeakable agony disrupting my whole.

No matter where I went, nothing uplifted. Inside was deadness; I was broken, hollow, and in deep pain such as I couldn't even describe. Then a chant instantly came while I walked in the empty universe aimlessly, like a hopeless person, a dead corpse who had nowhere to go and nothing to go on with. Continuously, I chanted to calm myself down.

"Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddssa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddssa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddssa."

Immediately I was on Earth somewhere in third world, reciting without rest. Then I sighted a Buddhist temple.

I can only find solitude in myself.

In a bathroom, I shaved my head completely bald and put on a light green nun's outfit with a long mediation bead around my neck. Krishna and Vishnu watched up passing the clouds. Uncertain if I was going to see them again. It seemed that we were worlds apart.

As I continued with the mantra, it helped me calm down a bit. It was what I needed to put the broken pieces together inside. My energy settled just a little more. Then I went to sit at the center of a temple room, chanting unceasingly with other nuns as people kept coming in to listen, though they looked like spirits. However, I kept on until I was calm and continued until I was calmer.

When I wasn't chanting, I swept inside and outside of the temple and did chores such as washing dishes and clothes, which became my regular routines staying with other nuns.

The temple was surrounded by papaya and mango trees outside a village, uncertain of a specific country. I stayed until I was much more at ease, and clearer within. After regaining my strength, I went back to my city, releasing fish from fishbowls and sending them down the clean pipe into the ocean; still a nun.

There were many fishbowls; nonetheless, I kept with it, dumping the fish down the pipe. Big bowls, medium bowls, and smaller bowls were all poured out. Some were completely big: I had to find a stool to stand on, to tilt them from the table. It took a very long time to do so.

"She's really letting it all go," Vishnu said to Krishna. "Very brave."

Once finished, blank, white paper and pen appeared in my hand, and I drew a heart a couple of times; however, I became tired of drawing the same thing. The wind blew away the papers that were left. Then I found myself walking in my sister's old house, and saw my late father.

He was a bit younger than before he'd died. He said something like 'I won't make it'; his comment suddenly hit my whole. This was similar to me not completely believing in myself. What I had learned, I must unlearn, and would face it here. He tripped on a rock walking outside, broke his toenail and blood came out. Abruptly I cried, realizing how much I missed him. When he'd passed, I didn't really weep for him because I didn't have emotions, though I cried just a bit and was surprised that I could. This helped me face the guilt, hurt and pain of never having grieved over his death.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Dad. I love you so dearly, and miss you so dearly. Was the renouncing for this?

Even though I wasn't Buddhist, but it was part of Laos Buddhist's ritual for the dead, where family members would shave their heads (usually males) and would stay in temples for a few days. The severe emotional pain I felt was for my late father, although it must've been for other family members, too. Many spirits came in during the chant. My late parents, grandparents, uncle, brothers, niece, and nephew passed many years ago. This could explain the sudden psychological state I was in, not fully grieving these losses. Moreover, I was letting go of whatever was: insecurity, guilt and so on; coming out to the open, not living in a fishbowl. It was, without a doubt, a challenging thing to do, as I had to let it go by facing those buried emotions.

At countryside, I held a torch, about to cremate my late father lying in the coffin. The fire burned his corpse, I stood watching. Once done, I gathered his ashes, took them to the river, and released them into the air.

It's my honor to have you as my dad; truly an honor.

I felt much relieved and healed. I went back to my abode, 'Goddess of Love and Compassion.'

It was free, admiring the metropolis from where I was, able to see high rises: shiny, glassy buildings. Then I left to visit Quan Yin. My white outfit now had gold on the seams, and its shoulder was also gold.

"That was an emotional one," she said.

"Yes, it was," I agreed. "Want to practice music?"

We took out our flutes, and played. We both had banjos, so we practiced with them, as well. She brought out music notes that really had writings in them and were not blank, I couldn't believe my eyes. The sound and the tune were harmonious although we hadn't played this song. Afterwards, I left and went to look over the city by myself, in my abode. As my station was also there, I used the telescope to view the metropolitan. I saw myself, wearing purple checkered shorts and a tee-white shirt looking my way. I smiled.

"Come up here and play!" I said.

She came, and complimented about how I looked the part of a Goddess. We peered into the telescope seeing many of the same versions of ourselves.

"So many of us!" I said.

"Endless," she replied.

"Let's put different hair, faces, and body types into them. Let's create opposites!" I said. We saw myself about to kiss a boyfriend, I put long, light brown hair on her, with high heels and jeans.

"What about designer clothes?" she asked.

"Nah," I replied. "Kmart? Nah. Vintage?" I asked.

She agreed.

"What about that one?" she asked.

"Let's make her strawberry blonde with freckles, of average height and medium build," I said. She agreed.

"How about that one?" she inquired.

"Let's make her a Spanish-looking Asian; exotic," I replied.

"And that one?" she continued.

"A short man with black hair," I said.

We turned the whole town into different versions of ourselves: blonde hair, blue eyes, brown hair, Caucasian, Asian, Hispanic, Irish, Italian, males and females, children, and so on: endless differences.

"Wow!" she said.

"I know! A whole new world!" I exclaimed.

"What if we don't remember each other?" she questioned.

"So! It's still us! We'll have fun!" I said grinning.

She was about to leave, but I suggested for her to come again, since I hardly had any female friends around besides Quan Yin. She was asked to try on my outfits that hung on the rail, all looking the same. She wanted to know if I wanted to go down to the city with her, this time I declined. I was getting more comfortable being up where I was. She left, Krishna came and hugged me.

"That was a tough one," he said, about what I went through. He wore a golden crown with a golden outfit similar to when he came into the hotel room.

"You're my one and only love," he said.

"You're my only God," I said.

We kissed and made love. Melting into this complete, absolute, and pure love was nothing more than ungraspable. It was as if I could only live and die in him. Subsequently, he shared he was going to hang out with Vishnu and Shiva. He was reminded to keep it down, not be so loud. Not having many friends, Ganesh didn't visit often, so I was going to see Quan Yin; then Brahma.

At Quan Yin's, we soaked our feet in water, then washed each other's feet before cutting our nails and filing them. Shortly, a soccer ball was kicked into her abode, and Krishna came to get it. My mouth dropped open.

"I'll be back!" I told her.

I went to talk to Krishna, reminding him to have courtesy.

"You guys kicked the ball into her house!" I said in frustration; however, when he walked away and putting the ball against his waist, somehow he was adorable. It made me beam inside.

"I apologize about that," I said, letting her know they were still obnoxious and often were when men get together.

"He's a good husband to you," she commented.

"Yes. The best," I said. No words can describe it. "You're my best friend; a sister to me. I'm deeply grateful." I leaned over to hug her.

As soon as I arrived to see Brahma, he said, "You went through a lot. You dealt with it. Now it's all good."

"Okay. Thank you. No work?" I asked smiling. Brahma was such a good friend, with little sarcasm. Nonetheless, he was funny and was truly my dearest friend.

"How about a day off?" he suggested.

Of course, I was excited; then asked him to come see the abode.

"I'm going to create a home for Krishna and I," I said, and made a canopy bed with gold railings, white blankets and pillows, and a big, green lush tree behind it. In addition, I put a fountain off to the side of long, white sofas. A crib appeared.

Not yet. No baby yet. It vanished.

Abruptly, the men crashed my creation; they tumbled in, trying to catch the ball.

"Oh my God! My creation!" I shouted. This was unsettling, Krishna pulled me aside.

"We'll create a new one together," he said.

It wasn't completely destroyed, I calmed down fast. However, what he said helped me understand more deeply about the partnership of a husband and wife working together. He mentioned the night with his friends wasn't over. They still wanted to hang out. I made a suggestion for them to go down to the city and have fun. They looked through my telescope and all agreed to go, including Brahma.

After they left, I peered into the telescope, watching them taking different forms. Krishna had light brown hair, an average build and height, and had a white shirt and blue jeans on; a "guy next door" look. Shiva was tall and muscular, with short hair, wearing a short white-sleeve shirt. His muscles bulged out, looking no different than a bouncer. He was handsome. They lined up to get into a bar. Many girls gawked at him.

Brahma took a similar form: an Indian man with dark skin and a mustache, wearing dark glasses. He knew I was watching, so he took off his glasses to show one rotating eye of his. I laughed then put the telescope away to admire the city's calming beauty.

"It's a beautiful night," said Vishnu. It surprised me that he hadn't gone with them. I was a bit awkward at being alone with him since I had been with Krishna. He reclined on the sofa. The awkwardness left quickly.

"Want to go down there with me?" he asked. Now I was open.

"Sure," I replied. "Let me change."

Both sides of my hair were pulled back while the rest of it hung down to my shoulders, and I put on skinny jeans with a long sleeve, V-neck black body suit, a black messenger bag, and black high heels. He grabbed my waist, flying us down.

"You have to grab me by the waist?" I asked.

"Is that okay?" he asked. I smiled.

He told me to wait by the bench; he was going to take form. People waited in line, the bar was packed. Shortly, a black motorcycle parked not too far from where I sat. A hunk with long brown, loose wavy curls down to his neck, slicked back, tall, with some muscles, looking no different than a supermodel, stepped off of the bike. He wore a black short sleeve shirt with a black biker jacket, jeans, and shoes. He was incredibly handsome, even I was too shy to even take a peek. With a quick glance, I turned away not wanting to stare, or drool on myself.

Almost everyone goggled at him, as he headed to where I sat.

Oh my God! He's so gorgeous! Oh my God. So gorgeous.

Until he came to get me, I didn't look at him.

"Ready?" he asked.

Slowly I got up, putting my arms around his, and walked in together. We were at the bar and didn't see the guys, yet. He ordered his drink, but kept his eyes on me.

"I miss you completely," he said, pulling me closer.

"I miss you, too," I told him. Completely, as well.

He then put his forehead on mine. It was no surprise that I was mesmerized, taken by him. Readily, easily I could be down on my knees again, head over heels in love, like before. The world could fall and I wouldn't notice or care. It was such a strong love and complete attraction for one another that, only in a moment, I could be taken blindly, hopelessly. And just then, just then, Krishna came over.

"How's the night going?" he asked. None of us responded.

Even though Krishna was present, I could hardly pull away, completely absorbed in Vishnu. It took a bit before I eventually did. I left, taking small deep breaths.

"Nice form," Krishna told Vishnu.

I went to sit on a table by the stage, laughing at Shiva as he did line dancing with girls around him. One girl just jumped on his back with many people watching and cheering as he was entertaining. However, Vishnu and Krishna didn't look anywhere except my direction, as if they couldn't keep their eyes off of me, which made me smile a bit inside yet continued watching Shiva. It seemed the God of Destroyer was a wonderful dancer, doing different dance moves. Eventually, I searched for Brahma, but he came out of his form and left it on the corner.

Dang. Do I have to clean this up?

The form faded. I left the bar and went to the river by Ganesh's statue. Wearing high heels made my feet sore. After rubbing my feet a little, I headed to sit on the bench, but stepped on something, then fell, hurting my feet.

"Ouch!" I said.

Krishna and Vishnu rushed to my side. Krishna picked me up and took me to sit on the bench. They each took my shoes off, then rubbed my feet, healing the soreness with their energies. I fell asleep.

"It's time to take my wife home," Krishna said. He put me on the bed, taking off my jeans. "These must be uncomfortable."

"Are her feet all right? Can you check?" Vishnu asked. Krishna reassured him I was fine. He left. He went home to Lakshmi. Vishnu's affection still touched me.

"You were with La and Krishna?" Lakshmi asked him. He looked out their abode, quiet. "She's with Krishna!" He didn't respond. "You still love her."

"Completely," he answered.

"Me, too," she said.

Her comment, of course, softened me. It seemed she had no jealousy in her bones, and thought that maybe, she and I could be friends since I was mainly with Krishna. Despite I was still a bit jealous of her, somewhat.

In the morning, while lying in bed, Krishna said, "I will help you be more comfortable being up here. We will do it together, my love."

It appeared I was getting a bit more at ease as well, not feeling left out like before.

Later, I visited Quan Yin. We practiced our musical notes, and getting really good.

"I have an idea. Do you want to go down to the city in the evening and play, for anyone who wants to listen?" I asked.

She liked my suggestion. We sat next to Ganesh's statue, playing. Many people came by listening to our music. The music's sound and tune were in sync and harmonious. People were in awe and some cried, enjoying our sounding melody. Afterwards, we stood up and bowed.

We came back to my abode.

"I won't put away my emotions. They enhance me and give me power to create. They won't be in 8, 9, or 10; but around 3 or 4, just enough."

"To give balance," she said.

"Yes, exactly. Balance." Some emotions and the rest of me is spaciousness and silence with complete, utmost love.

Following not experiencing many feelings for over a year, bringing them back helped me appreciate them. Even though, I experienced emotions as emotions and neither identified nor attached to them. However, if I was attached, I'd be mindful, aware and understand their causes.

Emotions were my being-ness. Without them, life wasn't much fun.

"Is the chapter coming to a close?" she asked.

Things had slowed down a bit; however, a couple seconds of reflection, I said, "No. I will leave everything open, limitless just like the sky."

In my dreams, Krishna pushed me in a white swing for fun. I was wearing a white flower crown on my head and had a white dress on. The swing was now just for leisure. Unexpectedly moments later, he and Vishnu dropped me down on Earth in front of a big lake with trees, open plains, and a clear sky. It seemed they were done with me. I needed to return to where I came.

What the heck?

It was completely an Earth atmosphere, when I scanned the area of the wide lake, not Earth connecting to heaven, but in my own familiarity. It was disheartening, thinking I was back. The situation was similar to where I went into the city, enjoying and experiencing the new and now going back to the old, small, familiar town.

"Transform it!" Brahma said upon his arrival seeing me sat hopeless.

It was more or less the same when I tried to recreate my abode, but was now mixed with the lake, trees, and so on. In another attempt, I played the flute; this time replacing everything, yet it was where I was in front of the lake, with changes blending together.

"This is fine. I accept. Everything is just right, here. I can have everything just by being in one place, here and now," I said.

Krishna wanted to come get me. I sat relaxing, watching what I had just transformed. "She's got it," he said to Vishnu, but the God of Maintainer told him to wait a little after what they'd just done.

"Isn't she going to be mad about it?" he said. Nonetheless, Krishna came. I walked away from him while he tried to talk, following me everywhere. What they did seemed like I was being dumped and tossed away.

"Don't do it again, ever," I told him standing a good distance from him, looking at him until he came to kiss me. It appeared the two Gods were together often, lately.

Then I heard Vishnu was going to a battle. There was a monster that needed to be killed. He put on silver armors. I was bothered.

Is he going alone?

"Are you going with him?" I asked Krishna, worried that Vishnu could get hurt.

Momentarily, Vishnu headed towards the green monster in a dark atmosphere, up in the sky. At once, I soared to where he was, and jumped in front of the monster, not wanting the creature to be harmed.

"Please don't kill it. Please have mercy. Don't kill it, please!" I begged for a creature's life, falling on my knees deeply concerned for its welfare. "Take me! Take me instead!"

He informed it was a monster that needed to be stopped before it injured others, yet I continued to profusely plead, letting him know I was going to take care of it only if he could let it go. It was as if I'd do anything for the monster. He soon left. I turned around to talk to the green creature, about a size of a dinosaur with a wide mouth, one big eye, and a long tail.

"You're okay, now. It's going to be okay. You're safe," I said, touching its face.

The monster shrunk to a size of a domestic dog, so I petted it, adoring and smiling at the precious animal.

"Krishna's wife has too much compassion," said one of the Gods when they saw this. "She won't even let a monster get killed."

This was where the husband stood up for the wife (which I couldn't believe, once I heard about this). Krishna always let me handle things on my own.

"There's neither too much nor too little about compassion. Compassion is compassion!" he shouted.

Then I saw myself entering a beach house looking at the serene, blue ocean. The house was empty, with soft white curtains moving gently from the gentle ocean breeze. It was spacious, nothing much - very calm. White cushioned chairs were next to each window. It was the house in which we now resided. Krishna came and put his arms around my waist. His clothing was more golden, as well as his crown. He asked me to go on top of the roof with him. I did.

The golden sun shone on us when we reached the top. He'd led me up, I followed behind him. He lay on the roof floor, then pulled me to lean on his chest while I dissolved myself in him, unable to fathom the unspeakable love that emerged. No language could define the absoluteness of it, which succumb me to say, looking into his eyes: "You are my one true God. I love you so deeply."

"You're my everything," he said. I touched his lips and kissed him.

"Was the kiss everything?" I asked, smiling.

"Everything!" he replied.

We were about to kiss some more, but a few men sitting on their white horses, with a wagon behind them, asked us to go with. We rode on their carriage, and I leaned on Krishna's shoulder fading into him. We came into an ancient town with a few houses on the side. Abruptly, he flew into the air. The golden gleaming light radiated, reflecting nearly in all direction, far and wide as he became the cosmic form, standing as the Godhead. His presence was deeply enchanting. The immeasurable love for him surfaced, to where I wasn't able to do anything else except this.

"You're my God. You're my God! You're my one true God, Krishna!" I said down on my knees.

As I was transfixed on him, captivated by his presence soon I was in an old blue truck, being driven away.

"Krishna!" I yelled.

"She'll be okay," said Vishnu, who came and stood next to him.

Then I was back at the beach house, observing the ocean and recognized that I had been to this particular beach house in my dreams, a few times. Krishna appeared asking me to go on top of the roof. I followed him. He lay on the roof while I lay on top of him, with the sun beaming on us.

"Are we going to make love this time?" I asked.

"Yes, my love," he replied. So, we did; however, Vishnu watched us from midair. He had flower necklaces around his neck and a red golden outfit on. I appeared next to him, and we talked. I took some garlands from him, putting a couple around my neck.

"I'm glad we got married again," he said. I smiled, truly loved him. We sat enjoying the sun, and watching Krishna and another version of myself at the beach with a white horse, going for a horseback ride along the ocean. The Divine God helped me up, and sat behind with his arms around my waist.

"Do you want to go get pastries?" Vishnu asked.

"Yes! For sure!" I replied.

Immediately, I found myself getting cheese Danish again, with coffee, coming out of the shop wearing black skinny jeans with a black sweater and messenger purse. Similarly, my hair was clipped back, waiting for Vishnu. It was the same town where we'd gotten our coffee on Earth. He came strolling down the street in his God form with blue skin, four arms, and transparent. No one could see him. I was disappointed a bit, since I wanted to enjoy our date.

"You really want me to take form?" he asked seeing me frown.

He went into an alley and came back as an Indian man with dark skin and a mustache. His hair was long, passing his shoulders, but he seemed to have a toupee in the middle of it, and he was wearing a black windbreaker. He walked fast and grabbed my hand, pulling it. He reminded of a man who was always in a hurry, had no time for anything. As we fast-walked, the wind blew his hair and he kept holding the toupee together, which made me laugh a little. We sat where we did previously on green grass, enjoying the sun, while I finished my coffee and pastries.

"Do you like it?" he asked, referring to his form. The thing was; how he looked didn't matter.

"I completely love you," I said leaning over to kiss him; then lay on his chest, dying in the absolute, complete, and pure love. "So truly and so deeply. You're my one true God. You're my God."

"My Goddess," he said stroking my hair. We kissed again. "You're absolutely strong. You have so much strength."

"I have lived so many lives to build it up: at least eight thousand," I responded. "Take me higher."

"I will," he replied. "Let's take some time off for a bit; then I will."

"Okay," I said, because in the last month and half or two, it had been non-stop. It was no doubt fatiguing.

"You want pure strength," he said.

"Yes, my love," I said.

The meditation scene changed. I headed toward Krishna and Vishnu on the roof, putting my arms around both. Looking at them, I said, "I shall be with you eternally."

Later, I was with Krishna. We lay on soft, green grass and making love in front of our beach house. Afterwards, we lay relaxing, enjoying the ocean view with a cool breeze under the big green trees filled with healthy, thick leaves.

"I love it when our energies immerse together as one when we make love," I told him.

"We can immerse all night long," he said. I burst out laughing.

### Chapter 49

For the next couple of days, I prepared to launch The Road to Nirvana. No doubt I was nervous to completely let go, but thought nothing of this, at the same time. The day I announced it to everyone, a nervous energy swirled. It wasn't nearly paralyzing, but also it wasn't fun. Letting go completely of who I was, was like I was dying and fading into thin air. Now I understood when Brahma said I was giving myself an 'important message', when I was dying in one of the meditations. This was it: letting go of myself completely. The pain of it, as well as embracing it, became tremendously overwhelming; as if I was being washed away; as if I wasn't here or hadn't been here, and didn't exist, as I already had disappeared and disappearing even more into thin air.

In the following meditation, I was in an unfamiliar town in my Goddess outfit. A big palanquin with gold silk curtains covering both sides was ahead. I tailed it. Then found myself inside it, wearing a red sari with gold and nice jewelry; like I was attending a wedding. Briefly I arrived to another town that had one big, gray gothic building. People soared in the air, some performed acrobatics and dancing. Balloons were released into the sky; meanwhile some people sat, stood and leisurely strolled enjoying the beautiful ocean.

"A City of Union," I heard.

It made me smile, once I heard this. I shot myself in the air in my Goddess outfit, and sat in a white lotus seat encircled with a sparkly white light. People watched in astonishment.

"Goddess!" they all said.

Next, I was inside the palanquin riding with Krishna, with my head leaning on his shoulder, absorbing the love of which I could only live and die.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"We are crossing the border to the other side completely," he answered.

I thought I already did.

"We are getting married. This time, as God," he continued.

White energy swirled in the air ahead of us.

"What's that?" I asked.

"That's the border," he said.

We crossed over to the other side through this cloudy white atmosphere, but I found myself in front of a big white metal gate instead, unable to pass over completely. Krishna was gone.

What the heck?

Pacing around trying to figure out how to get through, Vishnu's golden mace came to my hand. I pounded on the gate with it. It vanished, another gate appeared. I did the same to it. Though more dropped down, I banged on them yet another was always in front. With countless attempts, there was no success. Similarly as I continued with this, I became tired and sat down. My hair was all over the place again, exhausted. Soon I got up and took out a flute to play.

The gates vanished one by one. At the same time, I kept saying, "I love Krishna so deeply, so truly, and so completely. I love Krishna so deeply, so truly, and so completely. I love Krishna so deeply, so truly, and so completely. I love Krishna so deeply, so truly, and so completely. I love Krishna so deeply, so truly, and so completely. I love Krishna so deeply, so truly, and so completely."

All the gates were gone. Then, I was on a palanquin repeating, "I love so truly, so deeply and so completely. I love so truly, so deeply and so completely. I love so truly, so deeply and so completely."

Standing on the roof alone, an Indian man headed my way. He wore a gold turban on his head, dressed in green gold outfit, and put his hands around my waist.

Krishna? I kept observing him to see if he was Krishna now taking a human form.

No. This isn't him. I know his energy. He kept hugging me.

"No. No," I said walking away, until hearing Vishnu.

"Why did you trick her?" he asked Krishna.

Krishna came down to sweep me up. We stood in front of a light that was truly white that shone next to us.

"Be in union with me eternally," he said. At this point, I couldn't even fathom being separated from him. It truly seemed impossible; like I would fade.

"With my all, my love. You're my God. My one true love. My husband. My one true God," I said.

"My one and only love. My everything. My wife. My Goddess. My God," he said, putting our heads together. Unsure why he mentioned I was his 'God' as well, yet I didn't inquire and quickly the thought was gone. Until I come to it, remember it and be it myself then there wouldn't be any inquiries.

He handed me a bird cage with a small bird inside it, following our union. We were back on top of the roof. The small bird came out, when I opened the cage. It didn't quickly fly away.

"Go! Fly! You're free!" I shouted.

However, it just walked around. To find out why, I assessed its feet. One of its legs wasn't the same length as the other. To heal it, I placed my hand upon it and let the gold energy circulate around the tiny leg to make it the same length, yet this didn't achieve anything.

How should I do this? Take out the leg, put new one in?

That was exactly what I did, pulling out the old and putting in the new one. It was now the same length. Still, the bird just walked around, and didn't fly.

"Fly! Fly!" I said.

"Just give it a little time. Believe in your own ability," the Divine God informed, as he watched. The little bird made an effort to fly; but it didn't go anywhere above the ground, though it kept trying. It soared higher each time, as it continued; however, the little birdie landed on the roof, not soaring into the open sky.

"Come on! You can do it!" I shouted.

It persisted with great effort, however. Each time, it flew higher than before. When it landed on the ground, it soared up again. Although it was wobbly in the air, the two gray feathered wings glided much higher and it kept going, not dropping; and soon it ascended free in the sky. I shot up and sailed along, cheering the courageous bird, completely proud of it.

"Yes! Yes! Krishna! Do you see this?" I shouted, pleased and happy for the bird. Then I opened my eyes and came out of meditation.

Finally, the day came where I announced the release of the memoir through social media and the groups I'd joined, as well as to friends and families. Certainly I was uneasy, but it was nice to let go, as well. For a while I hadn't been on social media (since what had been going on with me). Nonetheless, I chose to let everyone know. Despite the transformations and remembering had slowed down, they were still going on.

To listen and be, with tremendous energy, I tended to go for car rides once Santi was in class learning. If I returned home, I chose to meditate. However, lately, Vishnu hardly showed up in meditations. His absence could only mean he was giving me time off, though the love with Krishna was ongoing. It came to the point where I only breathed him. He was my only breath; my oxygen. Nothing could even explain my love and affection for him and with him.

At night, I meditated. Krishna led me even higher. I became anxious. We went up the cloudy stairs, and reaching white pillars in the clouds. Everywhere were angels, with magnificent white wings. All looking like Greek Goddesses, dressing in white dresses similar to my outfit. They greeted us. A couple of angels held my hands, making me feel at home while child angels soared in the air. The place was all white. Krishna sat against a white pillar. I went to lean on him. He stroked my hair. I made a hand gesture for the angels to let us be alone. Krishna and I couldn't keep our hands off one another, letting each other know our deep love for each other. This helped me feel comfortable, being where I was. Our love was immeasurable, and he was the only one thing I immersed myself in.

When I toured the new abode, and saw Vishnu standing a bit lower from us, in another plane. I choked in tears, missing him like I'd left him behind.

Why isn't he here with us?

### Chapter 50

Krishna took me somewhere else, a place with one big tree with bullseye targets and torches on both sides, similar to a training ground. He showed how to shoot with a bow and arrow. When it was my turn, I couldn't perform. This stunned and annoyed me following a few unsuccessful attempts.

It wasn't that I couldn't shoot. Whenever I pulled the arrow back to release it, I couldn't let it go, or didn't know how to. It was to the point that I became anxious, after numerous tries. It was no different than holding my breath, but didn't know when to breathe. In spite of endless determinations to do so, I wasn't able to let loose of a single arrow aiming at the target. I took the arrow and threw it, similar to throwing darts, at a dart board. I was able to that pretty well.

Then I tried shooting again, no surprise: I couldn't let go once I'd dragged the bow back.

"Gosh!"

I became frustrated and started yelling across the sky: "What the fuck!!!!"

Krishna grabbed my hand and led me back to sit by the tree, I couldn't relax. I picked up the bow and arrow. Once more, I wasn't able to release. In deep frustration, I smashed the weapons on the ground.

"Aaahh!" I yelled, with my arms extending out.

The place wasn't Earth, even though it looked similar; but it was up somewhere else. Then I was in third world with a mango tree, huts, and children watching on unpaved ground, trying to use a simple wooden arrow. For sure, I'd be able to perform easily. After all, I'd maneuvered this type of bow and arrow in the past. Yet, I couldn't execute even a simple tool. Again, I put much motivation into this, making many attempts. Nonetheless, I just couldn't let go; not even a bit. My anxiety raised; energy began to churn, I had to take a couple of deep breaths.

I found myself back at bullseye training place, with extra determination and energy. It was no use. I came out of meditation, frustrated.

When I woke up in the morning, I meditated and tried again. Even so, the effort was useless.

Why? Why? Why?

Suddenly an image of someone holding an arrow pointing in every direction appeared, but I couldn't see his face. I don't have a target?

I tried aiming straight at bullseye this time; however, I was unable to release. No doubt, my frustration heightened.

What is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on?

I opened my eyes, headed downstairs to make coffee. Once Santi was in class, I came home and took a shower, trying to figure out what was happening.

"I can do it. I can do it. I can do it," I said plenty of times, as if it was a mantra. Whatever it was, I had to let go. I could do it, although I wasn't sure what it was. However, I repeated this countless times, it became like a chant that hurt my head.

Later that night, I meditated. This time I used the small bow and arrow with an automatic shoot, to practice; the one where I just hit a button and release the arrow. I performed great with it. It seemed I needed to start out with smaller steps. Afterwards, I used a regular arrow and bow, yet I was in the same position.

Pull back, let go. Pull back, let go!

I pulled back, but wasn't able to let it loose. Then, immediately, I said, "I love so truly, so deeply, and so completely. I love so truly, so deeply, and so completely. I love so truly, so deeply, and so completely. I love so truly, so deeply, and so completely."

This round, I was able to let go, the arrow landed on the ground not too far from the target; which was fine. I was getting somewhere. However, when I tried again, I was back in the exact point, and couldn't let go.

Krishna and Vishnu watched from way up, lounging around until Rama showed up. He was in the air, with golden pants from his time with a flowing cape on, truly striking and muscular, holding his bow and arrows in a quiver on his shoulder. He was a God Warrior, and I couldn't keep my eyes off of him.

Wow! He's handsome.

"Teach me! Show me!" I said as he approached.

He lifted his bow and arrow then shot it. The arrow went fast, the speed of light and I couldn't even see it fly. He showed me how to aim, I followed. He took my hand out when I was supposed to let go. The arrow went straight, not far. When he came closer to help, I wanted to see if I was attracted to him; but didn't feel anything.

The more I practiced, the more I was able to let go of more arrows by taking my hand out, and with some, I couldn't. Suddenly, I had a metal white hand, like a robot. I aimed to shoot, and was able to let go.

Wow!

Undoubtedly, I kept at it, and was able to release the arrow. I took off the metal hand, to try with my regular hand, and was able to shoot it; however, the arrow shot not too straight. I flew up in the air looking at the targets, shooting and hitting every target, I was relieved.

Next, I found myself somewhere in a dim atmosphere filled with energy, and saw someone whom I'd never met. She informed she designed clothes for Goddesses. She had long black hair and wore a soft flowery dress. She was gentle and beautiful, showing me into a room and taking my measurements from shoulders down to my ankles.

She first designed a white, soft outfit with wings for me to try on. It was truly beautiful, but that wasn't me. She made a white outfit similar to what I'd had, except with both shoulders instead of an off-shoulder, with open short sleeves in V-neck design. She put golden bands around both of my arms and golden slippers on my feet, with string in the middle, and golden anklets. She tried to put a gold necklace around my neck, but I shook my head. She put my hair up in a bun with a gold clip for support. It was indeed a beautiful transformation. I didn't look anything but a Goddess.

"You're such a beautiful Goddess! The most beautiful Goddess I have ever seen. It was truly an honor. Truly an honor," she said, dropping onto her knees.

Surprised by her action, I gently knelt down to lift her up, and said: "There's no need for that."

I hugged her. Shortly, Krishna arrived to get me.

"My Goddess," he said. We went back to our abode and made love.

"I'm going back to practice with Rama," I told him. He came to watch.

"Goddess," Rama said.

"God," I said.

I picked up a bow and arrow to shoot. I pulled back, but couldn't release the arrow in my hand. Once more I drew it back, nonetheless not able to let go. With the metal hand back on, I was able to let it fly. For some time, I practiced with the metal hand then switched back to my own.

Is it when I have no hand that I can shoot well?

This time, surprisingly, I was able to do it. I was pleased. Since I'd gotten momentum, I kept shooting rapidly, repeatedly hitting all the bullseyes. Even flying in air, I was able to hit them all.

"Give me your best arrow and bow!" I told Rama.

He gave the stronger ones. I dragged the arrow back and shot it just as fast and just good as Rama. I smiled. Of course, I continued going with this one, as well.

"Do you have any more for me?" I shouted.

He handed his golden bow and arrow, and I positioned my body straight up, placing the golden arrow on the bow. I pulled it, then let it fly. The gold arrow went at super speed, but it came back. I dodged.

Dang.

Once more, I shot. This time, it didn't return. I beamed, then glanced at Krishna.

### Chapter 51

The meditative scene changed, I walked somewhere to see Quan Yin.

She was at a quiet, flowing stream soaking her feet, with gentle sun reflecting rays on water. The place was similar to a cave, but not quite, with spring water running behind and calming streams flowing in front of her. I sat and wet my feet. She asked about Krishna.

"He's fine. We are well," I replied.

"You and Krishna married again," she remarked.

"Yes," I said, smiling in love.

"You're united as lovers," she said. Her comment made me pause, and realized I'd gone deeper with this love. Krishna and I were no longer lovers.

"He's my everything. It's to where I can't be without him. He's me and I am him; we are completely one, and can't be without each other," I elaborated.

This love was my whole mechanism, blood flow; every inch and particles of who I was; my DNA makeup was Krishna. We were so close we were one another, in each other. It wasn't that I came to realize, understood, or be reminded that I was the same as he; but now it was to where I was he, Krishna himself.

She got up to go somewhere. I followed. We were inside a big building with neat designs, though I'm unsure of how to describe this. We came into a room with other Goddesses who were chatting and interacting with one another. They were doing something, wasn't too sure what; however, I saw Lakshmi then Radha. Though I didn't want to glance at Radha, but did so only to say, "Krishna is my husband."

"Krishna and I have been together," she replied, which was all she needed to say to send the deepest agony into my core. I shattered into pieces. Streams of pain and jealousy seeping through my bones, and I trembled inside out. She was about to say something else, but I rushed out of the room, then the building crying uncontrollably. At this point, I couldn't conceive of him being with anyone but me.

I flew to the abode, trying to take a deep breath. My hurt was undeniable.

Should I put this emotion away? I can't. I won't.

Not realizing how 'jealousy' as an emotion could be so strong. My system was in great pain. I went somewhere to uplift myself, near a well, and sat on a rock. Radha came. Seeing her only brought despair, I was already torn, in fragments. I stood up. The Divine God showed up in the air, watching me in devastation.

"What do you want from me?" I yelled shaking.

"Krishna! Who is she?" I shouted covered in tears pointing at Radha and trembling.

"Tell me!" I screamed, breathing hard and in pain.

"I'm his wife," she responded.

"No! No! Krishna! Krishna! Tell me!" I cried loudly, looking up at him. Yet, he didn't say much. If he was to agree, I would die buried in ashes of my torments. I flew away somewhere else. They both appeared.

"What do you want from me? What do you want?" I yelled weeping. She tried explaining that she was me, but I couldn't hear of it.

"I'm La Kingsavanh! I take on different energy! Different thoughts!" I shouted; then went to tell Krishna. "I'm done! I'm going away."

I left, not returning to the abode where he and I stayed, wanting to tell him he and I were over, but I just couldn't bring myself to do so. Since I didn't know where to go, I was somewhere in the clouds, staying away from him despite I wasn't at all settled. Once again I was alone, in hurt and pain. Now I couldn't even go see Quan Yin, upset that she'd brought me to be around other Goddesses after informing her I wasn't ready, even though she'd tried to help me face my jealousy.

I went to see Rama.

"Let's practice!" I said picking up a bow and arrow aiming at the target. The arrow hit the target every time; however, I sobbed while shooting, at times, uncontrollably.

"That's good for now," he said observing me in emotional mess, and left.

I kept going, later stopped and went to sit against the tree. I slept there, making myself at home, not having anywhere to go. In spite I was in pain, I wondered how Krishna was doing and if he was okay, realizing it would hurt him if I left him. I went back to the clouds, in pure agony crying by myself.

"Brahma!" I yelled. He came. Crying hard, I went to hug him. He was in the same form.

"Help me! Help me!" I screamed, couldn't put myself together, intensely broken and deeply hurt.

"You and Radha are one and the same! You need to come and accept this! There's no one else, but you! You are the only one for Krishna. His one and only love," he told, as well as yelling. It seemed that when he said it, it was much better than me knowing it. Somehow, it brought some clarity: I was more accepting and not as upset.

"Your husband has been in my house for the last few days, a basket case."

He informed Krishna had asked him to go talk to me daily after I left.

"No one can talk to you when you're in that shape. You don't listen to anyone," he went on.

Brahma was right. The only way for me to listen was when I was ready to listen. He then told me to go get Krishna out of his house.

When I arrived, he was lying on Brahma's floor, seemed to be in bad shape not drunk, but low in energy. I got a wet cloth to wipe his face.

"I'm sorry," I said.

It hurt to see him in such state simply because I was blindly jealous. So, I put my head on his chest.

"Same consciousness that can't be away from one another," Brahma said observing Krishna and I.

Krishna opened his eyes.

"I'm sorry, my love," I said, and kissed him.

We went back to our abode; we made love. We made up, and our relationship became solid again. We were practically with each other all the time, playing our flutes and chasing each other over the clouds. Sometimes, he would comb my hair and put white flowers in my ear.

"I want to have a baby. This time, I want to be pregnant," I said.

He got up, leaving quietly. I went to see Rama to practice. After I'd been working with the God Warrior for a while, he'd become a friend, so I shared with him about wanting to have a family with Krishna. Sometimes Rama and I would be completely attracted to each other, to where it was challenging to hold myself back, without making love with him.

"He's not going to say no. Your husband cannot say no to you," he remarked. Actually, he was right. Krishna would only do everything, for me. When I returned, he came from visiting Brahma.

"We'll have a family. If you want a family, we'll have a family," he said. Of course, this put lightness on my face.

Then, I told him I was going to see Quan Yin, to do a project with her. The last time I visited we'd done something together that was interesting. And I can't remember what. He shared he was going to see Rama.

At Quan Yin's, we soaked our feet in water, splashing. We were at a garden this time, wetting our feet in one of the ponds. She had nets above our heads, and I thought nothing of it and went on soaking my feet, enjoying time with my dear friend. Then there were more nets, one on top of the other, and soon she quickly flew out. I tried to do the same, but couldn't get pass despite turning formless. The net had many layers.

"Quan Yin! Let me out!" I shouted and kept trying without success. I came back down and thought about causing an earthquake to leave, but the nets lowered quickly, to where it was difficult to breathe. It felt like a building was caving in, giving tremendous anxiety, burning inside. My chest felt heavy. My heart pounded out of my chest. I took a couple of deep breaths to calm down, but couldn't.

"Let me out!" I shouted, breathing harder. "Quan Yin! Let me out! Quan Yin!"

Krishna heard my voice and grabbed his flute about to come, but Rama stopped him.

"She's helping your wife with something," he told Krishna.

My palms and body sweated. My heart beat faster, as if it was out of control. I could faint.

"Please! Let me out! Please!"

Krishna showed up, he was in the air on a white horse. Golden energy emitted throughout the entire area. He came as the God of the Universe - the supreme and ultimate power - with Rama. I could feel his pure strength. His power was overwhelming and limitless as if there was no word to describe it; and at this point, no God could or would stop him. I was fearful for my friend, as for myself, and was even a bit afraid inside, not truly realizing how great and all-powerful my own husband was.

"Let her out!" he told Quan Yin, who was also in midair; but she didn't move. "Remove the nets!"

Oh my God. Do it. Do it, I said, frightened for her. She removed all the nets, shortly.

"I'm okay, my love," I told Krishna immediately, letting him know that Quan Yin wasn't going to hurt me.

"What are you helping me with, Quan Yin?" I asked.

She didn't answer, but I got it shortly: Claustrophobic.

An image of my mom followed everywhere inside the small apartment, yelling at me, when I was a teenager surfaced. This caused severe frustrations and anxieties, as if I was trapped, not knowing what to do or where to go, growing up in a tumultuous household.

"Put me in the elevator!" I shouted.

Soon, I was inside the enclosed space. It shut in slowly while I sat in meditation, unmoved. As it came closer, caving in, my hands sweated and I clenched them together. My heart pounded fast as if I was going to literally faint, the elevator came very close, near my body.

"Oh my God! Oh my God!" I said as the energy of being trapped traveled through, giving bad dizziness as I could puke. Yet, I sat still, absorbing all the emotions which came with being caged in and allowing them to go pass several times, mindfully with an awareness of them. Moments later, in spite of feeling very dizzy, I walked out unsteadily. The elevator wasn't there anymore. It was gone similarly to air, leaving no trace.

I went back to the garden, and asked her to put all the nets over me. Likewise, I sat in meditation, allowing the insurmountable anxieties to journey through every inch and particle. The nets lowered, gradually getting close. Despite the emotions weren't enthralling to experience, I appreciated them. Since I hadn't had emotions for a while, any feelings I experienced, I was grateful for. They became precious, helping me remember and giving tremendous strengths.

Shortly, though, the image of an old friend who was a teenager emerged. She wanted to go see her longtime boyfriend. They were in an interracial relationship, but her mother told her the boyfriend wasn't going to stay around. He'd find someone else to marry. As I witnessed this, I understood how she felt, as I wasn't a stranger to rejection and hurt. Furthermore, I had been told the same by my own mom; and had believed her, buried deeply inside. This helped me face my own self-doubt, self-worth, and insecurity that came with being in relationships.

Once the nets melted, Quan Yin came to praise, showing how proud she was. She grabbed my hands.

"You're incredibly brave," she said.

"Thank you, my eternal beloved, Quan Yin," I said, appreciating her support in confronting the uncomfortable situations.

"Krishna really chose the right one," she said. Even though I didn't understand what she meant with the comment she just made, I didn't inquire.

"I love you so truly, so deeply, and so completely," I told her.

I went back to the abode, Krishna asked, "Everything is okay now?"

"Yes," I said and nodded. "You showed up full power, my love. You don't trust Quan Yin? She's my friend."

"I trust her completely. You just went through a lot," he replied. His answers gave me smiles.

"You were a protective husband," I remarked, and couldn't believe it. He always let me deal with everything on my own; but also liked that he could be protective, as well.

Then we were under an aquarium (which I didn't know, at first) while making love. Stingrays and other types of fish swam above us in a huge glass tank, so I stopped kissing him to observe them closely.

What the heck? An aquarium?

It was, indeed, a giant-sized aquarium. We went outside to observe. It was a middle-sized building.

I need to release it.

After creating a big pipe connecting to a lake nearby, I smashed the first tank, dumping down the water and the fish. Then I broke another tank, and another, and another, until nothing was left. The fish swam along the pipe into the lake that led to the ocean. However, I was unsure if I should renovate or destroy the building once everything was released. I decided to burn it, then replaced the old with a new white, shiny and fresh glass building.

"I'm proud of you," Krishna said. Vishnu appeared, sort of far away. I went to him. He came to let me know he was pleased.

"I miss you so completely," I told him and was vulnerable. I held his hand, wanting to cry. "I love you with my all."

He left without saying a word. I stood by myself whereas Krishna watched, standing by the new building.

Dang. This is freaking hard.

Shortly, Krishna and I were in the sky observing the new and breathtaking copper and golden metropolitan skyscrapers.

Wow.

We planned to build our abode above the city. I was covered with metallic gold, suddenly. My body, face, and skin were golden. I came to kiss him as he reclined looking down, enjoying the new city at our new abode. Yet, I was uncertain what this was all about (me in all gold).

"You're turning gold, my love," he said.

### Chapter 52

During the day, things seemed to be okay. If everything was fine in meditation, everything would be going along well in my daily life and its day-to-day routines. Although I thought about going to my father's gravesite, I decided not to. After the memoir was released, I made efforts to advertise it; however, the advertising price was heavy. It seemed I was scared of letting it all go, too, but was doing it regardless. Occasionally the energy of letting go, as well as 'rewiring and reversing' everything, blended together made it challenging to endure when it intensified, and I'd tell myself 'I could do it' plenty of times like a chant.

"I could do it all!"

At night, I closed my eyes only to find myself dressed as a warrior, with my hair in a ponytail, wearing white fluffy pants with brown warrior boots up to my knees, with a white fluffy blouse and silver armor plates on both of my shoulders, getting ready to go head to head with Rama. Now I was an excellent archer. I walked to the bridge in slow motion, with my pants flowing gently in the breeze. Rama's mouth dropped in awe.

"She's a beautiful Goddess," he said to Krishna.

"Give me all you've got!" I shouted to the God Warrior, who wasn't up on the bridge or midair. He shot his first arrow, and I blocked it. He then shot at least five that nearly came at once. I froze them, they fell onto the ground. He then shot his best golden arrow, coming completely fast, hitting me in the eye.

"You just hit her in the eye!" Krishna shouted.

"She can get a new one," he said.

He was right: after I pulled it out, with my eyeball stuck in the arrow, a new eye appeared. He shot more golden arrows and I soared into the air, blocking them. He flew my way, landing on me, but he couldn't keep his eyes off of me. The attraction between us instantly came, that I deeply wanted to make love, although when he leaned forward for a kiss, I stopped, not able to see myself marrying him. Maybe I held back, not letting myself fall for him. The God who consumed my entirety was my only true love, Krishna.

"Krishna," he said, since I couldn't follow through.

"He's the only God for me," I said, then got up.

Near morning, I woke up early and couldn't fall back to sleep. Walking into the abode, I saw Krishna with Radha. They were dancing and smiling at each other. Swiftly, I became truly, deeply disturbed and took off immediately, not knowing how to accept this. At the beach, I cried brokenhearted, severely.

Maybe I don't need him. I can be separated from him!

As soon as I said this, the energy in me turned upside down. I became completely dizzy, like I was going insane. Green energy swirled out of me. Literally, I was going crazy and grabbed onto my head.

Omg. I can't believe this. I can't really be separated from him.

My system was destroyed: once again in bits; ripped apart. It was like I couldn't be with him because I was jealous, but I couldn't be without him, either. The pain of both placed me in devastating state of dizziness that I almost fainted, going mad; literally insane. I couldn't truly justify what was happening. Like a ruined glass, my whole shattered dispersing in all directions.

I can't believe this. Omg! I screamed, holding my head like I was losing it. It wasn't just that I was deeply impaired by emotional pain, but the energy flowing through made it seem as if I was going completely out of my mind.

Is this what is like to be separated from God? Insanity?

Everywhere I went, I wasn't able to find solitude. Then I found myself up in the clouds, lying on them unmoving, as if I was gone, staring off into the distance, blank and unblinking. Brahma appeared, informing that Krishna and I were 'twin flame or twin soul' something of this sort. I was unsure, and never heard of this: if I was hurting, he would be hurting; we couldn't be without each other. However, the jealousy had brought me to this predicament. At the same time, I couldn't accept Radha being one and the same as myself, at this point, at least. Moreover, I was in disbelief over how powerful this emotion 'jealousy' was.

I woke up deeply distraught, I couldn't hold it together, so I let Santi watch his TV shows. I went downstairs, crying while making my coffee. It looked like I really was apart from Krishna; not feeling him anywhere in or near my side. The separation put me in the depths of hollowness and despair, as if I couldn't go forward. I sat on the floor near the corner of the kitchen with my knees up and my arms wrapped around them. After Santi was dropped off at school, I went to see my late father's gravesite. An image of him in a wheelchair appeared, holding on as if he was about to die, but didn't want to let go.

"Let go!" I said to him, understanding immediately that I was clinging onto something and needed to let it go, just like letting the fish out from fishbowls and the whole aquarium. "I can do it. I can do it all," I said repeatedly while I was there.

Then I returned home to meditate. Immediately, my grandfather appeared in my mediation. He was up in the clouds. I flew to him then hugged him, still in an immense agony.

"Grandpa! Grandpa!" I cried, but he put his fingers through my eyes, knocking them both out. I became eyeless, but new eyes emerged.

"See clearly," he said. This was the second time he'd done this. "Go to Krishna."

How I am supposed to go to Krishna?

Then I found myself driving on a sunny day, wearing sunglasses with a handkerchief around my neck in an old luxury convertible. Another version of myself showed, observing from the passenger seat, with the same purple checkered shorts and a white tee-shirt on. She leaned against the car door.

"You can do it," she said. "Everything is still reversing."

When I said 'I can do it', it was because my system was still rewiring?

She suggested that I go to Krishna.

Later, on my own, I played a wooden harp; the Gods and Goddesses watched. The harp became my new instrument. I was good at playing it, even though it was my first time using it. Krishna and Radha came to watch. I was able to keep my composure until finished; then took off instantly.

Somewhere in the airy clouds, holding my harp and wearing a white Goddess outfit, I continued playing.

I don't need him.

Inside my whole was much pain, similar to a patient who'd just got out of a hospital and was recovering. Once I finished playing, I strolled aimlessly, with no destination saying: "I don't need anyone. I'm already God Krishna. La Kingsavanh is God. I'm already all of it."

Suddenly I was filled with golden white light and had at least ten arms, standing in a white room.

"She has the potential to be full God," Rama said, watching from afar.

Next, I was in front of the ocean, sitting quietly observing the water, filled with sadness. I swam to the bottom, found a treasure chest, and opened it. The brown box held different sorts of jewelry: white pearls, gold, necklaces, and a shiny gold ring. The ring was the shiniest object in the chest, and I couldn't ignore its luminosity. I picked up the sparkling thing and peering at it closely before putting it back. I brought the whole chest to the surface and put on the white pearl necklace, though the ring was truly shiny. It seemed to be the most valuable item, so I picked it up again and place the round precious band on my finger, then took off the necklace, putting it back in the chest box, and took only the ring.

This could be Krishna's proposal, but I wasn't sure. On top of it, I wasn't fully healed, yet. The pain of being away from him wasn't lifted. Momentarily, I was up in the downy white clouds, with many people around, including Brahma. Krishna walked in. He got down on his knees, as I was about to leave.

What?

Unable to believe what he'd just done, I went to lift him up. People clapped their hands.

"I want to marry again," he said.

"We are already married," I said. Everyone left: he and I were alone.

"You are the only Goddess for me. My one and only love," he said.

This was nice to hear, but I was still hurt, and would take a bit of time to heal.

The whole day following mediation, I wasn't fully uplifted. Letting go of everything, and enduring changes taking place within became deeply challenging.

"I can do it. I can do it all," I said periodically amid energy churning, and at times it became unbearable. "If it is going to take all the strength in me, that's what I'll do."

In the last months until then, the transformations were tremendous. I wasn't the same. The old man was right. I could never be the same.

In meditation, I found myself in my new all-white dress with its shorter sleeves and white belt wrapped around it, playing the harp. The music tool came easy, I could play it effortlessly. Sometimes the Gods and Goddesses gathered to listen. It became my healing mechanism. Rama came after everyone left. Knowing he was attracted to me, I soared into the air. He chased after and got ahold of me, but I couldn't follow through. Fooling around with another God wasn't going to resolve my residual pain with Krishna, regardless of how immensely strong the attraction with us was. Each time, it took a lot to resist. When Krishna wasn't around, Rama would be watching nearby or from a far distance.

I went back to the clouds, Krishna was there.

"My love," I said, about to leave.

"What will it take?" he asked.

"Everything," I replied and left.

Vishnu was nowhere to be found when I called for him. No doubt I wanted to run back to the God of Maintainer, as I was alone. Sometimes I'd see Krishna playing flute by himself, missing me, which softened my heart.

Maybe I should go see him.

I put my head on his. We kissed and made love, letting each other know how much we loved one other. Afterwards, I was fine again. He played his flute and I played my harp, leaning our backs on each other.

"Let's have a fun battle with Rama," I said, since I'd now become exceptional with shooting a bow and arrow, and wanted to test it out.

"Rama can have anyone on his team except Vishnu."

For some reason, I didn't want Vishnu involved. Krishna agreed we were going to be a duo. Rama heard about this, he had Hanuman on his team. We were in the sky by the bridge. Rama shot his arrows and I deflected them with the melody of my harp. They fell. Again, he flew my direction. I played my harp to slow the God Warrior down, then pushed him away with my golden energy. Krishna was by my side. Now Rama shot his strongest golden arrow at great speed. Krishna caught it and broke the sharp edge weapon.

"You just broke his powerful arrow," I commented.

"He can get new one," Krishna replied.

"That was my best one!" Rama shouted.

Vishnu, Lakshmi, and the other deities watched. Vishnu wanted to join in, but Lakshmi reminded him of what I said. Now Hanuman and Rama came at us together at lightning speed. I asked Krishna to take Hanuman while I blocked Rama. With my music, I slowed him down; then blasted him with my golden energy. They flew back.

"They are a duo!" Hanuman yelled. After Rama and Hanuman couldn't beat us, Vishnu came to join them; plus his avatars.

"Krishna!" I said.

"We will do it together," he responded.

The deities threw their weapons at us, I blocked them all. However, when witnessing about five fish fell off a bucket on the bridge, I rushed to there, not wanting them to die. Krishna went head to head with all of the Gods. Once I'd gathered the fish, I let them go back into the river.

"That's her weakness. Compassion," one of the Gods said.

"Compassion is my strength," I shouted, but Hanuman came right at me, grabbing my throat, and I struggled for air. He pushed me way down to the bottom onto the sand, strangling and squeezing my neck while I grabbed on his arm. Vishnu and Krishna rushed after him. The God of Maintainer pulled him away, as if he was throwing him into the air. Hanuman flew back to his team.

"You almost killed her!" Vishnu shouted. He then told Krishna to heal me while he went back, going up against all of them.

"She's a Goddess! She can handle herself!" Hanuman yelled.

Vishnu threw his disc at the Gods on Rama's team. They all dodged. Krishna healed me, stroking my hair with one hand, and couldn't keep his eyes away, so we kissed then we made love. From far distance, Rama saw this and disappeared.

"You were great," I told him.

"You were, too," he said.

We went to our home, surpassing the airy clouds, with two white pillars in an open white room.

"Let's have a baby," he suggested.

"Yes, of course!" I was overjoyed.

Soon, I was pregnant. The pregnancy progressed naturally. Krishna was attentive: he rubbed my legs and feet when they were swollen. The baby was about due, I wasn't sure whether to go to the hospital or deliver at home. He decided to deliver the baby, washed me, put me in bed, and took care of the baby while I recovered.

"Is the baby okay? Is it healthy?" I asked.

He said everything was fine. When the baby slept, he lay by my side, watching me sleep, then woke up early to care for our child. Once I fully recovered, we hung out, enjoying our family, although I had a feeling I needed to go see Brahma. Once Krishna learned of this, I left to go see the Creator.

"You just had a baby. You left your husband and baby by themselves," Brahma said as soon as I arrived.

"They are going to visit," I answered. We talked, but I can't recollect our conversation.

Krishna brought the baby. Brahma was in love with the newborn, so Krishna and I made out in the corner. We both looked at Brahma; he was completely taken by the child. We made love, as well.

Later, Krishna took the baby home. He rocked the infant in the crib. Even while I was with Brahma, I couldn't keep my eyes off of Krishna being a father, and watched him from above.

Such a wonderful father.

Sometimes I saw him smoking. I'd put a fake cigarette in his hand in the midst of him dozing off, from where I was.

"Krishna is your highest, ultimate love," Brahma said seeing me observing the Divine God.

"Yes," I responded, smiling lovingly, unable to keep my eyes away.

### Chapter 53

During my nighttime meditation, Krishna was looking at a fetus, touching its moving fingers. This was probably myself, the 'unborn'. Suddenly I was up in the clouds and saw a tube made of clouds, big enough to walk through. They became smaller shortly similar to tubes I'd traveled, so I soared through them. Then I was hooked to IV lines, with things passing my veins. Unsure of what they were, I lay on a bed similar to a hospital in the bottomless universe with nothing except energy.

Krishna was in charge of it.

"Everything needs to come out so I can be with you completely, my love," he said. This was a long process, with plenty of lines. Often I became tired, but he cheered me on, saying I was doing fine and that it was getting close to being done as I lay there for some time. After a long period, only one IV line was left. The process was nearly finished, yet Krishna was no longer around.

The process ended. I turned blue, with white one-shoulder attire on. The sides of my hair were pulled back and the rest hung down to my shoulders. In me, was a masculine Krishna's energy, as well as my own, together - one. Only myself showed up as Krishna, when yelling for the Divine God. I continued calling, only La Kingsavanh kept showing up. Although I understood what was going on, yet I wanted Krishna, who was my husband to show up despite realizing that Krishna's energy was inside myself.

I encountered Brahma while calling for Krishna, he said, "The lovers have united as one."

Later, I was at Quan Yin's abode. She walked along the pond, watching lotus flowers. She saw me, and came to greet.

"Husband and wife are one and the same," she said.

"Yes," I said, but now saw her a bit differently. Doubtlessly, I was attracted to her great beauty, so I touched her chin, wanting to kiss her.

"Thank you, my love," I said then left and found myself in front of Radha, somewhere in the universe. As a masculine energy, I became enchanted with her beauty, her kindness, and her pureness.

"I always love you," I said.

"I know, my love," she replied.

The feminine side of me heard this and was soft. It lessened my jealousy. I went back up to the clouds, missing Krishna. He wouldn't show, so what could I do? He showed up as myself, as I was both a man and woman in one: La and Krishna.

"Does this mean I can go romance the Goddesses as a masculine energy, and then the Gods? Maybe I can go romance Radha, then Quan Yin and others. I can also go see Rama and Vishnu as the feminine energy."

I began to smile.

However, I longed for Krishna. No matter how much I called, he didn't show, letting me know I was he all along. It was challenging to accept, as if the truth purely hurt. Then, I shouted for Vishnu. It took time to find him, but when I did, it wasn't fully him.

"I miss you," I told him nonetheless, not knowing what else to do. At least he looked like Vishnu, and on top of it, I truly did miss him. But I was blue. It was like La and Krishna together, where you couldn't really tell the difference: a man and a woman, masculine and feminine, as if I was androgynous.

I opened my eyes from meditation, sad. Now I wasn't sure what was going on (or maybe I did, but didn't know how to completely accept it). I stared motionlessly for a long time, wondering what it would take to gain full remembrance and come to my own power. If it was going to take my all, all of who I was - my full strength - I would do it, as I'd do anything for it. If it was going to take everything, it was going to take everything. I'd do it all with every breath in me.

Not wanting to get out of bed, I shut my eyes again. It was the weekend. Santi went downstairs to play with his Legos and Sean was downstairs with him. Up in the sky above the clouds, I shouted: "I will do anything to gain full remembrance and come to pure strength!"

A nuclear bomb exploded behind. I heard Vishnu's voice saying something, I wasn't sure what. Krishna appeared as he, full blown Krishna.

"My husband is back!" I said. We kissed, rolling around and smiling; then made love.

The next day, our family traveled out of town for the day, so I could do searches at a different library that had lists of media to advertise the two prior memoirs. The local library in our town didn't have what I wanted. It was nice to have a long drive because I had lots of time to process what was going on. All I did was think of Krishna, our love and relationship, and what we had been through together along the way. Everyone was quiet, listening to the music. Also, I wondered: when he showed up with full power, was he showing more of who I was to me?

No doubt I was indeed in this love, and was this love itself.

Later, we visited a Hindu temple near Chicago. Inside, I went around introducing deities to Santi. The place was big, with many rooms for different Gods, and gift shops. The areas where statues of deities were had red carpets, with many people walking around paying their respects. The deities were adorned nicely with fine clothing, although I didn't know any except ones that showed up in my meditations. We went in the room held for Krishna and Radha; however, I didn't look, still jealous and a bit hurt by it. Santi asked to look at Krishna, pointing to his idol. Readily, I refused choosing to observe the wall decorations with flowers and other things on it, instead.

Daily, all I wanted to do was go for a car ride and listen to music, not wanting to be disturbed. The visions slowed down just enough, where I could pay attention to Santi. Even so, there was hardly much time to process: only at night when he was in bed. Often I listened to the same songs over and over. The radio happened to play many of the same tunes, but I wasn't complaining. Most of the lyrics matched what I was going through.

Sometimes I'd get a short fuse and yell at Sean for asking the same questions again and again. It seemed I had no patience, repeating myself very often with Santi, too. It was difficult to be with family when I hardly had time for myself to understand what I was going through. Sometimes I barely finished a thought without constant interruption. Many times, I wanted to run away to a cave or be in a hotel room so I could completely go through what I was going through with no distraction.

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