 
Bridging The Gap

Conversations With Spirit

Who Was & Still Is

Book II

Kimberly M. Quezada
Copyright © 2018 by Kimberly M. Quezada

License Notes

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. All rights reserved. This eBook or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Printed in Canada

First printing, 2018

ISBN 9781775361602

Kimberly M. Quezada

Edmonton, Alberta

Canada

www.cominghome2spirit.wixsite.com/home

Acknowledgments

To be honest, I never know how to properly thank those who have been by my side throughout this crazy adventure. At times, it's made me appear a little nuts but the crazy or the nutty has uncovered so much about who I am and what's 'out there'. Today, because of all these experiences, my tiny world's become so big and so full. There are many who have lit the way and lit me up to be able to continue my journey of the spirit and I hold them so close to me at all times as stability and strength.

To Sharon, as Paul would say, Language. Dislike. You have been a constant source of support and celebration since this whole journey began. If there was ever someone I could pour my heart out to, it would be you and you accept it in the finest crystal goblets. I'm so excited to begin our new venture together. We've created something with Spirit that can't be undone and for that, these conversations are dedicated to you because in so many ways, you've been such a big part of them. Thank you for your encouragement and support. Thank you for your sisterhood and love. So many channels have been written and you never tire of my insanity...I think you actually enjoy it. You are a brave woman. Thank you.

And for Joel. Also in the words that Paul would say, you're killin' it. From your first email, I have admired your resilience, your willingness to overcome and live so authentically even though, at times, the mountain's been high and steep. You are a source of inspiration and every time the going gets tough for me, I'm always reminded of your example of tenacity, of finding strength when there doesn't appear to be much and of a person who is willing to hear and trust the love of Spirit around them and go all the way with that. You've shown me what it means to really have faith that Spirit is there for the sole purpose of having our backs while we prepare for the battles and the celebrations ahead and it's a beautiful reminder. Thank you, Joel, for being that example of...life; of Bridging the Gap.

Introduction

I'm like that Energizer Bunny. I keep going and going and going. When do I stop? Believe me, I've thought about it but I can't see that happening any time soon. Why? Because at every turn or every crossroads, there is something new to learn, share or experience. I get used to something, work in those ways then there's a pause and a personal choice to build on what I've learned or not to. Stopping has never been an option for me. Even during the hardest times, when the last thing I ever want to do is channel, there is a part of me that just wants more for the only purpose of sharing with all of you.

It hasn't always been this way. No sir. I have had my choice words for this work. It hasn't always been an easy road or a piece of cake. I've only told a couple of people about my journey but I thought I would share it here because the journey of the spirit or trying to connect or whatever you want to call it, has had its pitfalls and difficulties. Why? Because we are put in a position to really look at who we are and be okay with that...maybe even love that.

To attain some sort of spiritual footing in a world like this, I found it to be one of the most loneliest, confusing, and emotional times that I have ever been through...no joke. It wasn't easy because it could be misleading. There was so much out there that I felt I needed to...do the same or be the same or connect the same and it was a tough mindset to be in. It was exhausting. I think it was about 2014 when I believed I was 'getting it'. I chose this path and it was going to be super easy. It was going to make life so beautiful. I was doing yoga and meditation with a lot of expectations, I was channeling...whatever it was I was channeling. I was a bag of chips; totally the cool new kid on the block and I was going to save the world. Holy shit...was that a misconception. I compared myself constantly and always asked why I wasn't getting any farther in this spiritual crap like everyone else seemed to be. One day, I was at home and nothing was going right; absolutely nothing. I was so pissed off that I fell to my knees and cried. I cried and cried and cried. I yelled and I swore. I had Spirit around me trying to calm me down but I wasn't having any of it. I was all like, "What the fuck do you want from me! Just tell me. Screw the metaphors." Oh yeah. It was a marital blow out like I have never ever participated in and I told Spirit to bugger off...it was a little worse than that but you get me. I didn't want anything to do with any of it because my assumptions weren't coming true the way I wanted them to. Little did I know that this path...the first thing that happens is you have to get real with yourself and I wasn't willing to do that. I didn't think I had to do that. So I cut it off at the knees. About three weeks went by and a man by the name of Simon appeared. He asked if we could talk. I told him I didn't want to. I wasn't interested. He answered that that was okay; that he would wait. And he did. Instead of the Council, Simon stepped forward and even though I didn't engage in any sort of connection often...he was always there, in the background just silently watching and making sure I was okay. I took a long time off and then I began to connect again...little by little. I had to begin to trust again and it was difficult. It was almost like a victim of abuse that had to learn to trust that a hand that was raised wouldn't strike. But the thing was...the blows were my own.

I am constantly having to start over, revamp, quit and do. It's a never ending...shit show sometimes. But...I also have to remember that I'm not in competition with anyone. I'm feeling and communicating with Spirit in my own personal way and I have to believe that that is enough. I share what I'm asked to share. I coach where I'm asked to coach and when I go to sleep at night, I have to believe that I did enough and that I am enough. I'm making changes...even now. If I take some time off because I physically have to just be human for a bit, I don't get guilt or judgement from Spirit. I get, "how can I help you?" "what do you need from me to help you?" and I've come to a point on this journey where I'm willing to listen...even if I do have a temper and piss and moan sometimes.

Speaking with actual humans that have died really threw me into a state of WTF because I needed constant validation. I never got that. So I had to fall down and get back up over and over and over again by myself. Am I really by myself? No. I am so blessed to work with very beautiful spirits that take my hand and pull me up because I allow them too. I used to be too proud to allow that but I had to come to the conclusion that that is what They want to do. So I take time off, regroup and begin again knowing that why I'm doing this is way more important than gaining anything from it.

So that's the beginning. Do I see an end? Not right now. I'll continue to do my thing, whatever that looks like or however that shows up for me because this work...it's continuously evolving every day. Sometimes I'll have my Family of Spirit around me...sometimes I won't. I used to be scared of the quiet, believing it was over for me. Now I know the quiet is a place where I can take a step back and be 100% human Kim instead of walking the line between heaven and earth. But that's Bridging the Gap. We walk the line. We never tow it. Spirit is never a burden to be lugged from one destination to another. It's a place of cooperation. You like team sports? I'm beginning to. I came to play. So...let's play.

Much Love,

Kimberly.

P.S.

If you ever want to meet the family or discover more conversations that aren't included in the books, head on over to www.cominghome2spirit.wixsite.com/home. This is an open invitation. Coffee's always hot, the beer's always cold and the door's always unlocked. See you there! XO

Foreward

It was the summer of 2017, and I was desperately seeking help for my health problems. After countless of doctors, I knew I needed to find someone who could help me— someone who could truly help me —and I needed to find that person pronto. I had been a reader of the blog called Channeling Erik, a blog where Elisa Medhus posts transcripts of conversations between herself, her son Erik, (who passed away in 2009) and a third person (usually a spiritual medium). The topics covered in these conversations are wide-ranging: science, metaphysics, spirituality, politics, business, social, and other topics. I found these conversations very educational. I wandered onto the Channeling Erik Mediums webpage, a forum where mediums and intuitive coaches can hone and offer their psychic services, and there I found the photo of Kimberly Quezada. I didn't particularly feel drawn to her. I just randomly clicked on her photo, looked at her contact info, and emailed her to ask her if she could give me an intuitive reading of my situation. She agreed and told me to expect a full email reading sometime in the next couple of days or so: Two days later, she emailed it. Oh, boy, she gave me a killer reading! She was spot-on accurate about my health situation! I was very happy with the intuitive reading. I emailed her a follow-up question about my health, and she made me feel so at ease about my concerns. I told myself out loud, "There is something special about this lady. There's just something about her. She makes me feel like family."

I saw a web link at the bottom of the email, clicked on it, and it took me straight to her website. The first thing I noticed on the homepage was a picture of Paul Walker. I asked myself, "Why is there a picture of Paul Walker on her website? Does she have a crush on this guy or something?" I mean, who didn't have a crush on Paul Walker, right? I thought I had come across a Paul Walker fan page or something. Then, I noticed the words "Conversations with Paul Walker" above the picture and, below it, a full-on conversation between Kimberly and Paul freakin' Walker! I was thrilled! Although I already believed human beings could communicate with spirits, I just found it exciting someone was actually talking to Paul Walker— yes, that same guy from The Fast and the Furious movie franchise and who everyone has a crush on. After reading the enthralling conversation, I said to myself, "Oh, man, how can one blog post contain so many nuggets of wisdom!" I was totally blown away by the entertaining and insightful conversation. Over the next few weeks, I scrolled through the blog posts and read as many as I could— interviewees included historical figures and celebrities such as Christopher Reeves, Marvin Gaye, Ray Charles, Billy The Kid, Vincent Price, Paul Walker, and many more. Some of the interviewees I had never heard of but found just as interesting. This blog also introduced me to Kimberly's spirit family— her buddies on the other side of the veil—Simon, Ryker, Paul Walker, Grayson, Anton Yelchin, Roger Rodas, Benjamin Cole Brown, Audrey Hepburn, Erik Medhus, Cory Monteith, and Chris Cornell. I thought it was really cool Kimberly was communicating with Paul Walker, one of my favorite celebrities. I just never thought Paul would start communicating with me as well.

These communications with Paul weren't full-on, word-for-word dialogues like Kimberly's. They were different. One night, all alone in my room, staring into the ceiling of my dark bedroom while pondering how I will survive my health issues, I saw Paul's face in my mind. "I am going to help you get through this," I heard a voice in my head say. I thought I was hallucinating or something. I just brushed it off. The following night, while watching a video on my tablet, I playfully asked out loud, "Paul, are you there?" My tablet's screen froze immediately. That seemed really odd because the screen had never frozen like that before. Over the next few weeks, other strange things started to occur. One time, I randomly got a visual of Paul's face in my mind, and suddenly felt the urge to turn on the radio. I turned on the radio and found myself listening to some guy bashing on New York Giants players Paul Perkins and Jason Pierre-Paul! Another time, his face popped up in my mind, and I turned on the TV just to find Paul Rodriguez doing stand-up comedy. Initially, I thought these were just coincidences, but they just kept happening more and more. I could no longer write these off as just pure "coincidences". I realized this was Paul's way of saying "Hi" to me.

In the meantime, Kimberly and I had only a couple of email exchanges since the reading. I told her that I was writing poetry. I really doubted my own poetry ability, not yet having realized that there is no such thing as "bad" poetry. So, when I told her that I wanted to write poetry, she was very encouraging. She emailed me a beautiful poem a friend had written about how Mother Earth wouldn't let anyone fall into despair (I had expressed to her that I wasn't sure If I could keep going with life in general). I felt much better just reading her insightful and uplifting emails. I felt like she was sitting right next to me, showering me with her love, her affection, and a listening ear. I also felt like I was starting to get to know her through the conversations she had with Spirit. Through her open and candid conversations with Spirit, Kimberly revealed a side of herself that allowed the reader to easily connect with her on a personal level. Over the next few months, I felt like I was getting to know her and her spirit family (especially Erik and Paul) more and more through this blog.

My official initiation into Kimberly's spirit family happened one night while reading a Circle Time blog post from January 2018. Circle Time is a round-table style discussion between Kimberly and some of the members of her spirit family. The participants of this edition of Circle Time included Kimberly, Audrey Hepburn, Cory Monteith, Simon, Ryker, Paul Walker, and Benjamin Cole Brown talking about lucid dreaming, destiny, midlife crisis, and other topics. This was more than a just a gathering of Spirit, though. This was a gathering of family just chilling, having a laid back —yet at the same time— deep chat about important topics. As I began to read the post, I could see all of them sitting down in chairs, forming a circle, and I could also see myself sitting down amongst them, witnessing the playful back-and-forth banter, laughing at everything going on, feeling the energy between everyone. I could see Paul playing with his feet. I didn't just feel myself there—man, I was there! About halfway through, Audrey gave Simon a kiss on the cheek! Even I blushed and oooed and hollered lol! The electricity was unreal. When I finished reading the post, I came away feeling that I had participated in the discussion and that this was my official initiation into the family. Why did I come away with such a strong feeling about having actually been there in the discussion with them? A voice whispered:

"Because you were."

About a month or so later, something very profound happened to me. I shared my thoughts with Kimberly on how I loved Circle Time. She was happy that I enjoyed it so much. At the end of the email, she said something so incredibly profound to me that it touched the soul of my being:

"I love you, Joel."

These words struck my heart like bolts of lightning and lifted me high above the clouds. My life suddenly sprang alive with meaning—being loved by this person infused my life with meaning and hope. This kind of love is the kind of love that siblings express to one another, and I knew she was doing that with these profound words, yet I did not reciprocate those loving words to her—even though I loved her like a sibling, too. I kept these feelings inside of me unexpressed. About three months later, I emailed her more questions about my health. As usual, she was accurate in her assessment, and gave me insightful suggestions regarding my health. I wanted to tell her how I felt about her, the blog, and her spirit family, which I considered part of my family as well. I just couldn't tell her. I only told her that I was thankful that she had put herself out there on the Channeling Erik Mediums webpage because that is how I got to meet her, but my unexpressed love for this lady, which kept bubbling inside of me, created an inner pressure that demanded to be released in some sort of expression. She told me that she did not remember being on the Channeling Erik Mediums page, or at least I believed that this is what she had said (she later told me she meant to say she didn't remember the content of her posts there, but she remembered being there). So, when I thought this is what she had said, I told myself, "What the heck...she doesn't even remember ever being on that webpage? What? Does she not know how much my life has been positively affected simply because I met her?" Then, suddenly, I remembered having checked the Channeling Erik Mediums web about a few weeks after the initial intuitive reading only to find her photo and profile info gone. What if I had come across the Channeling Erik webpage a few weeks later instead of when I initially found her? Her profile would have been gone, and I would not have met her. In the blink of an eye, I imagined what the previous year would have been without Paul's uplifting communications, without Kimberly's insightful conversations with Spirit, and most of all— without Kimberly's loving touch. I completely lost it. All those emotions that had welled up inside of me over the past few months had finally burst loose: I started sobbing and crying.

I had to tell Kimberly that I loved her as well.

In one of the most heartfelt emails I had ever written, I told Kimberly that I loved her and that I considered her a sister. I poured my entire being into that email. I loved this lady and her entire spirit family. Her telling me that she loved me meant everything to me. It meant that someone out there genuinely cared for me and loved me for who I was. I also realized through this blog that Kimberly wasn't the only one who cared for me, but her spirit family, which is mine now too, cared for me as well. Whenever I read a post, I know that I am with family. Family are the ones who are there walking with you through your hardships. Family are the ones who reply to your emails with "I love you" at the end of them. Family are the ones who are constantly bringing a smile to your face. Family are the ones who make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Family are the ones who get on your nerves and, later, you go over to them and apologize to them for the intense argument you had earlier in the day with them. It is my sincerest hope that everyone reading this feels the love that I felt connecting with Kimberly and her spirit family, for you are part of this family, too. I want to end this with a special message to Kimberly:

"I've never met anyone like you before. You have this unique, special vibe to you. You have this amazing ability to brighten someone's day with your kind, loving words. Ever since we crossed paths, I wanted you to be my friend. Thank you for everything you've done for me and for being there for me with your love and affection. Kimberly, I love you with all of my heart, sister. With Love, Joel"

Joel Garrido.

Prologue

Channeled from Anton Yelchin

So I offered my voice to open this book but between you and me, I had to arm wrestle for it because there's a lot of us here that would kill, and I use that term very loosely, for the chance to open a book and tell everyone, Look ma. I'm still here. But honestly...look all of you, we're still here. I guess I would be the poster boy for when it's your time, it's your time. I mean, come on. Freak accidents happen...so suddenly that it makes the living or left behind...it makes their head spin a little. Okay, those that are left...consider something for a second. It makes our heads spin a little bit too and there's something else. Those that are taken back to a place called Heaven, through these freak accidents, we have to give our heads a shake because in that moment of death, we just woke up from the most incredible dream. You know when you're dreaming and those scenes that play in your head are so vivid and when you wake up you just can't believe it's over because it was so real? That's kind of what those sudden deaths feel like and we have to take a few moments to adjust to our surroundings that we were never really apart from. But, it's never pain. It's never suffering. It's never something that those who mourn us need to wonder if we're okay. With the sudden, there's sort of this fast blink of an eye whisk away. I really need to share with all of you readers the importance of believing that the sudden is really just a wake up from a dream.

What a dream. If we could equate death as an awakening into a truth that we were never separate from but asleep to...would that take the sting out of it? Probably not and I would never tell someone to get over something that could never possibly be understood so simply. So how do I open a book about a bunch of talks with people who've awakened into...a reality? I can't. Not easily. What I can offer is that there are so many individuals, and more coming, that can be a telephone or be a communicator to our side and in doing this, it can hopefully take the sting out of a belief of some sort of finality.

Did I believe in a finality? Sort of. Honestly, I didn't know what to believe because I didn't think I had to believe in anything concrete. I was too busy living all of these experiences to ever consider an ending. Can I just say, here in the book, there's no ending? Man, the things that I have seen as Spirit, as something that can only become every day instead of staying the same...there are no words to define or explain it properly but what I can tell you, or share with you, is that everything that I'm living now is nothing compared to the adventure of life on Earth. Don't waste it. Wake up every day as if you're waking up from a dream and this day that you're waking up to is going to be the first day of the rest of your life to Live it. Even if it doesn't feel like it's the best it could be, make it the best you can. The thing with Earth is that it's always creating itself and that's the same with Heaven. It's always creating itself and that's really contingent on those people, incarnated on any planet...it's contingent on the creations of everyone. It's pretty amazing and something that I continue to support through people like Kim who'll take what we say and share it to give humanity that bird's eye view that what people dream to live...could actually be. This book is the third. It's the third because Kim makes it one of her missions to share as many voices as she can, to take that sting of death, even sudden death, away. We can't heal it completely. There is a process to it but we can certainly be the ice pack on that swelling. I work with Kim because we have the same goal with a lot of other ghosts...to remain connected; to remain heard and connected and to tell every single person who reads these words...it's an honor to remain on Earth with you during these times and lend you our strength and our love and commitment as you so unselfishly have given to us in our lives and at the times of our deaths.

Human and Spirit, whether your own or someone else's...it was never meant to be separate. Let us in and discover something about yourself or even us that you might not have ever considered. Let's bring it into something called unity consciousness because that's more than human. That's all of it. My name's Anton Yelchin and I'm here to bring it all to you and you know what? There's a couple hundred million more of us that are willing to do the same thing. Holy shit! I hope Kim's up for it. See you in the stars.

Anton.

Chats with Paul Walker - Are We Becoming Zombies?

January 1, 2017

Paul and I met close to a year ago. I didn't really know who he was. I never watched any of his movies because, quite frankly, they weren't something that interested me. I met him through a channel from the Channeling Erik group. I was listening to a channel he did with Robert Burke and a couple days later, he came to me and we've been pals ever since. You'll hear from Paul often because Paul and my guide, Simon, I work a lot with. Today we chatted a little about technology, specifically social media. This is a big topic and in the hopes of keeping these talks short, I couldn't get into the whole thing without it becoming a book. Paul can talk a lot. Paul even admits that he used his phone a bit but he explains that further in this chat. Here is Paul Walker.

P: Kim.

K: Paul.

P: Kim.

K: Paul.

P: What's up. What's it been? Like two hours or something?

K: Something like that. I was thinking that since you were hanging around you might want to lend some of your infinite wisdom to the Youth page today.

P: Keepin' it short and sweet?

K: Well, yeah. You know...attention spans and stuff.

P: Well...(sits up and rubs his hands together) What'll it be?

K: I want to talk about technology.

P: It's a big topic.

K: And one that I think could expand but what are your thoughts on technology. Everybody has an opinion and strong opinions about what it can do and what it's creating or how it's putting blocks up.

P: Straight up (he grins because he knows I say that) time to pick up a book.

K: Why?

P: Because people are getting so lost in screens. It really is an addiction and I know you've heard that and it's true. The intention for the technological advances was never, from what I've experienced, to make people numb. It was to expand communication. It didn't last long because when the technology grew so did the ideas which is expected.

K: What do you think about social media?

P: Like everything, right? It can be used in good ways or bad ways. It can be used in excess. It can be used to hide away, to be dishonest. It can be used to spread those warm and fuzzy feelings but it can also be used to spread hate and fear. Social media has been given so much power. People think they can be powerful by spreading hate but really, they're just hiding behind a screen.

K: How can we disengage from the technological drug that is social media?

P: Ask yourself some questions? Is it habit? Does it lighten the mood or does it make you depressed because it seems no one is looking at your latest and greatest post? Are you sharing yourself in a light that you are being respectful to you and those around you or are you sharing yourself to get the attention you crave from the family and friends you have close to you? Are you neglecting life just to be involved in typed words or photos that make you appear one way but, inside, you don't feel anything like that? Are you going with the flow of what you like or are you competing for some sort of attention? All these things can be thought about when engaging in the use of social media. It's a popularity game of huge proportions but why is it that a kid needs to be so popular? Or a person needs to share parts of themselves that doesn't show them in the best light? Whose telling someone to send photos of themselves or else, and whose buying into the fear and giving that power away to someone over the internet. There's a lot of dishonesty and secrecy when using social media. There's this sense of what can make me look and appear better to people I don't even know and why is that so damn important.

K: Would you say it's time to disconnect a little bit?

P: The only way one is going to reconnect to something that makes them feel whole is to disconnect from the addiction that makes them feel completely empty.

K: You're not pulling any punches are you?

P: Absolutely not. Kids are getting lost in something that's not real and believing themselves less than because of others that they don't even know and then, to get noticed, they're putting themselves in positions that may be impossible to get out of.

K: So, in your eyes, it can act like a drug?

P: It's a spiral. There's no end to the internet. There's no end to social media. It just goes on and on and on and it goes on because people add to it. Consider, when you share a post or a photo of yourself, are you adding to the fear or the bullying or the competing egos or are you sharing yourself in a way that can uplift and show up in a world as someone that lives in it and experiences it and values it outside of the world of technology.

K: If someone saw themselves in those questions you said to ask yourself...and they realized that the whole social media/technology game was exhausting...what are the steps they can take to maybe put the breaks on it.

P: Well first, you have to want to. You have to realize that it isn't making things better but making them hard or even worse. If you are constantly looking at your phone or tablet waiting for that signal that someone has a passing interest in you, there are some questions you need to ask yourself. If you can't raise your head and look out a window and consider what's out your front door and not on the latest YouTube video then there's a big step back you gotta do to separate yourself from that bubble you've put yourself in.

K: Some people live off their phones. There was a story that there was a person being attacked and no one knew because they were looking down at their phones or there was another one where a person was being attacked but instead of helping the person out, people were taking video.

Sits back and rubs his mouth.

P: Next big video on YouTube right? Next big thing on Instagram.

K: But what about the people that are giving them crap because the videographer just stood there and didn't help? Are they adding to the problem?

P: It's easy to say something when you're hidden behind a screen. I don't know. Maybe some of those who are giving the guy shit...maybe if there, they would've stepped in and helped the victim but that's just it. You can be so honest (in your comments) but the credibility in comments doesn't hold much weight.

K: So the video games...

P: Same as social media. It's a drug. Gettin' to that next level you know...it's a high.

K: How about you? Were you attached to your phone?

P: (chuckles) This isn't about me.

K: It is now.

P: I did look at my phone maybe a little more than I should've. Yeah. I stayed in contact or read the latest or tried to find out what was happening and who was where and where are we meeting and stuff like that. But I also balanced that out. I had a love of the outdoors and I had a love of racing. I found things outside of myself to engage in without feeling the need to stay at home and live my life through a screen. I acted on the screen. I got that out. I had other outlets for myself, personally, that I got into so I didn't require some sort of attention from those kinds of platforms.

K: Do you think the celebrity world puts out honesty and integrity when they use social media?

P: There's a big split. Some have to use it to stay on top. Some don't require to constantly be living their lives in front of viewers to feel that the work they do is important. There's a huge split and it's obvious.

K: Do you see social media changing?

P: You can see a huge divide in what people are putting out there. There is no middle ground. It's either you're putting out the effort to improve your personal message to the world or you're just putting shit out there to stay in that mode of hiding behind a screen while promoting what you hate. Usually that hate is experienced because of some one that first started perpetuating it.

K: Like a mob mentality.

P: Yeah. All that stuff is really mob mentality. It's gang mentality. It's taking those people that know no different and reeling them in with fake compliments while asking them to share a message of hate. Kids are really influential. If someone makes them feel good or hands them compliments, sure as hell they'll be in there and will to do things to get more, even if it's more detrimental and dangerous.

K: Are there simple ways that we can do to put the phones or the video game controllers (don't know what they're called) down and start communicating face to face? More human to human in the flesh interaction?

P: Meet-up groups are really great ways to find people in the area that have something in common and promote friendships. Kim, people are lonely. Social media and chats fill that loneliness in one of those disconnected ways. The meet-up groups are kind of on that same wavelength. It's just meeting person to person.

K: So, like clubs and stuff?

P: I know that might not sound like a cool thing to do but yeah. Join a club.

K: We could say all the things that might not sound very cool but they are cool. Like read a book.

P: Yeah. Sure. Even if it's just a couple pages. Engage in something tangible; something that you can feel.

K: Face to face conversation?

P: Definitely. Hey, parents can be cool. Friends can have stuff to say. There's this perception that parents can't be cool but controlling. How 'bout giving them a chance and see what they have to say about anything. Yeah, you may be growing up and gaining your own smarts and your own say about some things but talking it out with whoever and learning something new from whoever would really be an awesome thing. Mouth to mouth communication instead of typed words in a chat room or on FaceTime. What a novel idea. It used to be done. Think about it. Families used to eat dinner together. Put down the phones and offer to cook with someone and eat the meal together.

K: Hearing the ding of the phone, telling you that someone just liked your selfie could ruin the moment.

P: The selfie moment will always be there. Moments with friends and or family...if not taken...those moments might not be. This subject could go on and on and I know we're supposed to keep it short but you're talking to a dead guy here. Social media will always be there in some form. Life; family and friends...they might not be. Take the opportunity, when presented, to engage in human to human contact. It's so important. Relationships with the people you can take and hug and hold hands with...those are important. Go for a coffee with someone you call a friend but have more of a relationship with on Instagram. Go out and be human together and connect in human ways.

K: Yeah. This could go on forever and I'm sure we could get into more specifics when those specifics come up.

P: And we will. It's an important thing to air out. Technology and more specifically, social media...it's a world of its own but so are we. So is making time for friends and family. So is making time for you, personally. I think it's really time to stop getting dumbed down but enlightened up.

K: That was pretty cheezy.

P: It was and I meant it like that. But, you know what I mean.

K: I do. So, are we becoming zombies?

P: (laughs and smiles) There's hope. Not on my watch. And if kids are going to be on screens anyway, maybe they can just take a break from the selfie thing and read something like this that might make them think.

K: No one, not even you, is going to change minds.

P: Maybe not. But I can try. I'm not saying quit cold turkey. I'm saying to ask yourself why. Just ask why and how you feel about it. What your heart answers you...it may be surprising.

K: I still have more questions.

P: I know but we'll have to do a part two or something.

K: Got it. Thanks Paul. Happy New Year.

P: Happy New Year Kim.

Kisses hand and offers it.

P: We'll chat soon. Here that people. I'm not going away. Not possible.

K: Well. Now you are. See ya.

P: See ya.

Conversations with Paul Walker – The Spiritual Journey and Truth

January 9, 2017

The other day, Paul came to me like he just got back from a wedding with tux all undone. I asked if he was really at some sort of event like a wedding. He said yes. I asked where. He said California. I asked who. He said nope. Oh well. How do you trick someone that is aware of everything? I asked how the bride looked. He said beautiful, like every bride because of happiness. There you go.

P: Hey Kim. Long time no...I lie. It's been daily. What's up today?

K: Just trying to go with the flow of everything that's coming up. I think this is happening with a lot of people. I think that there's always this point where sometimes things that you thought you've dealt with, comes back up to be dealt with again. I thought that if someone cleared something, it made it go away.

P: Depends. Depends on the amount of clearing and depends on how okay someone was with whatever it was that's come back up. This is gonna happen from time to time with everyone. But the...severity and I don't even like that word but the severity will be less and less. It's this thing like when you're first on this road to becoming aware and awake, you're clearing a lot of stuff that you've been holding onto right?

K: Yeah.

P: And in the beginning, it's like death after death after death. It feels really horrible because when you make the choice to take this Spiritual journey, you make a choice to clean out the closet. No one likes to clean out the catch-all drawer. They don't like to get rid of old memories or they don't like to get rid of old sweaters that've become really comfortable. It's a pretty light example but really, no one likes to get rid of the vase that Aunt Sally gave them before she died because it carries, with it, the memory of that wonderful woman. But if it no longer has that use because you've made peace with the fact that Aunt Sally is gone...why hold onto the vase?

K: So you're saying that we have a lot of vases that we need to let go of. Maybe there's guilt about getting rid of Aunt Sally's vase because it's a memento that should be taken care of forever.

P: Then you gotta look at it and ask why? Why does that vase, with everything it symbolizes, which is usually remembering the loss or the death or the way a person died; why does that have to stay on the mantle as a reminder of the sadness of the loss every single time you pass it. It's time to look at the vase and say goodbye to the memory and understand that the loss was purely on the surface level and Aunt Sally understands that and is telling you to get rid of the vase. You'll feel lighter and you'll feel better and you'll get a better understanding of what is after the vase, that symbolizes what was, is gone.

K: That's quite the vase.

P: A human is quite the vessel. It holds onto so much. That's why when a person gets this thought that 'yeah, this Spiritual stuff makes sense. I gotta get with this.', they discover that it takes a lot of digging and soul searching to find who it is they are under all those vases of memories that they think they are. Of course a person was shaped by their past. Of course, but to live in that won't bring any sort of progression into who a person is at the heart of it all; at the core of it all.

K: I totally get what you're saying. So, one is on this spiritual journey but they sometimes crash and fall...sorry, crash is probably a bad choice of words.

P: I'm so over it. Go on.

K: Why do people keep doing this...like climbing this rope and they slip and fall and have to climb again or they think they're really high on this rope but in actuality, they can still touch the floor and they get really disheartened. What do people have to do?

P: Give up the ghost. Give up the weight of what keeps you sliding back down and you know what, Kim? Everyone's going to slide down. It's the natural thing. If someone didn't slide down they wouldn't be here to experience the whole human life thing.

K: And by give up the ghost you mean...?

P: Give up what's haunting you; what you're too scared to look at. It could be a person, it could be a feeling. Usually there's feelings of guilt or that you should have done more or you didn't do or weren't good enough. Give up the ghosts. Give up the ghost of a person who you've attached a feeling to. Give up the ghost of something you think you should have been or someone you think you should have been and realize that the ghosts are living in your closet because you aren't willing to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that the only one that's handing you that judgement; that guilty verdict is you.

K: But then you look at those around you and sometimes think that they are judging you.

P: But that's just an assumption and if someone is judging you, they're ultimately judging themselves. I mean, you've heard it so much. It's like a broken record.

K: So if a person was willing to give up the ghosts...climbing that spiritual ladder would be easier or faster?

P: That's the thing Kim. People are looking at this like it's going to be a quick fix. It's not a fix. It's a state of being. If you're still looking for a fix then you're not done dealing with what's coming to the surface. It's a state of awareness where you see stuff come up and own it. There's no putting another person's face to what comes to the surface. That's blame. The person's face might be a trigger but ultimately, you lived that scenario so if it's coming up, it's time to bury the ghost of the feelings you feel that attach to that. Own your part in the role you played, in that place and time, and understand you can't do the work for someone else. You can only work and forgive and lay to rest the part you played. It's kind of like a death and a resurrection.

K: But for some, this journey feels like a constant death with no resurrection.

P: It's true. I understand that. So...what would happen if a person surrendered to that constant feeling of death? Instead of fighting things that come up that make them slide down that rope that they've climbed so hard and with such effort...what if instead of thinking it was a death, what if you just surrendered to the fact that you fell a little bit.

K: That's a huge 180.

P: It is but it's also where you place your faith. Are you worried that the rope is dangling over a cliff or are you going to surrender yourself to the fact that your higher self and your guides and your angels all have a net waiting to catch you and have faith in that. When you surrender to the fact that yeah, you remember being an asshole or you remember not being there for someone when they needed you the most and you acknowledge the part you played in that, that's when the resurrection will take place. Letting go of that weight, that ghost that is so heavy will allow you to climb that much easier. When you're at the bottom of that rope in the beginning, you're carrying a lot of stuff. Backpacking...you carry light. The backpacking on this spiritual journey...people over pack. You need a truck or something. But little by little, those things that you think you need...you don't and you leave them by the side of that road until you're just carrying a water bottle and have faith and trust that your every need will be taken care of on the journey. You do your bit. You walk that path. You take the turns and know that every single part of you is being taken care of without having to pack away all you thought you were that only weighs you down.

K: So it gets easier and easier.

P: Yeah but there's effort here. People think that when they go down these paths and they don't even have to be called spiritual. They can be called so many things but ultimately, when someone's ready to know them the start of the journey can be like cutting your way out of a jungle.

K: Thanks for that image. Mr. Indiana Jones.

P: Those movies are awesome. God I loved those movies.

K: I've been thinking a lot about Truth.

P: I know.

K: I know you know. So what is it?

P: Truth is the ultimate expression of love.

K: That's so beautifully put and when you tell me that I just think that should be put on a poster or something.

P: People don't need posters. People just need the words and what they do with them is their choice.

K: So truth is the ultimate expression of love.

P: It is.

K: But so many people have their own truths. Some others would look at and be all like, what the hell are you thinking?

P: But that's just ego. That's just making them discover something within themselves that they haven't made peace with. The ghost.

K: So ultimately, if someone's truth is spoken and it comes from that place of love and respect for all, even if it rubs someone the wrong way, it's still expressing love.

P: Absolutely. If you're talking shit like you are the shit, well than it's coming from a place of shit but if you're expressing yourself with honesty, integrity, with an idea of uniting and being one with everything and trying to introduce thought based on that oneness and not separation than how can that not be a form of love. It's only being used to uplift. Not everyone's going to be okay with that because they aren't ready to be in that state of oneness or that state of truth with you. They still got the ghosts and there's nothing wrong with that but it shouldn't stop someone from expressing that love. If it does then the person expressing their truth is still dealing with this fear that they have of being judged or being criticized when in reality, if that truth is being spoken in those awesome and cool ways, someone wouldn't be worried about that stuff. See, if your voice shakes but you still really believe in what you're speaking or how you're living because it's your truth, it's like a drug that doesn't harm you. It's like this snowball. The first time, you're gonna be so nervous but then you see the effects, even if it's just personal and you speak it and you live it again and again as an example and a leader...pretty soon it's just gonna be this natural state of being. It's going to be that Truth and it's going to be living love. People get so hung up on this word love. I say love like it's....a way of life. It's a race, it's a being. It's elemental. Love isn't only an emotion and it's a rainbow or a spectrum of so much. So when I say the word love, know that it means more than just an emotion.

K: Thank you so much for clarifying that because I think people just assume that love is only an emotion.

P: It is. But it's a hell of a lot more than that and that's just a learning process because the more you live in that truth, the more different aspects of love you'll begin to associate with and invite into your life.

K: Wow. This is so cool. The way you're explaining it.

P: So what's your ghost?

K: Why do you have to ruin the moment?!

P: Come on Kim. Talk to me. What's your ghost?

K: I so hate you right now.

P: And that's a lie.

K: Fine. I think the biggest one for me would be doubt.

P: Oh yeah.

K: You're a great friend! (sarcasm)

P: Where does that come from? (doubt)

K: Why don't you tell me?

P: People have different views. No one is going to see Spirit, me or whoever you want to talk about, in the same way. Doubt is about believing that everyone sees Spirit with the same eyes and if you see things differently then you're making things up. Doubt is like...a person trying to live up to someone else's truth and ignoring your own. It's not only you. There's a lot of people struggling with doubt and second guessing. That first inkling; that first thought is the one to go with because it's just that ego that makes the brain run on all these different scenarios that gives life to doubt. That first feeling, that first thought, that first glimpse of a picture in your mind...that's truth. Sometimes truth doesn't feel so good. That's the ghost attached to the truth. Polish if off. A person doesn't have to feel guilty for their truth because of criticism from another. Polish it off and I should add that these last comments are general and not only for Kim. (grins)

K: I think you take advantage of my honesty sometimes.

P: And is that really wrong Kim? Really? Is there anything wrong with putting out there, the fact that you indulge in a little doubt when you slip on that rope? People feel like they're alone in what they're going through, sometimes. Sometimes...even if I have to nudge you...it's awesome to share that people go through similar things just in different ways. It doesn't mean that the feelings aren't there; those similar feelings and thoughts. So I guess I'm just getting you to open up where others thought they were alone in their stuff.

K: I could look at it like you're putting me on some sort of pedestal. But not as a show case but as an example which, by the way, can be uncomfortable.

P: Okay. That's fair. I'll stop.

K: Highly doubtful.

P: You know me so well.

K: Getting there.

P: So...we'll stop this one and continue another?

K: Yeah. Sounds good.

P: Cool. And cut.

Conversations with Ray Charles

January 11, 2017

Yesterday evening I was listening to my online radio station and Crying Time came on. It was like metal to a magnet and he was there with me. Then the next morning, because I need to listen to songs when they're in my head, I played it from YouTube. His light was this stage light blue and he would move from behind me to beside me and when I was listening I saw him come through a door while another Spirit left from a door behind me. These doors are their own creation. Anyway, I invited him in and he was a pleasure. He still had those glasses on. Black suit and white shirt. His energy was very lively. He was funny and I could tell he liked to have a good time. He was always ready for a good time. It didn't matter if it was just a one on one conversation or a concert or a dinner, it was always a good time. Here is my conversation with Ray Charles.

R: Ha ha. My Darlin'. Hello.

K: Hello. Wow. It's really nice to meet you.

R: It's my pleasure. How are you? (says it with excited interest)

K: I am pretty okay. How are you?

R: Well, you know, I can't complain about anything. For the life and death of me, I'm pretty good.

K: That's one way to say it.

R: Ha. Yeah. So, tell me about yourself. My, what a mind. What a mind.

K: Aw. Thank you!

R: Thank you. You have great taste in music. It's that music that will never go away. It lives on because it has a life of its own. It's stability because it's timeless.

K: How do you feel being a big part of that?

R: I worked hard. I worked at it. I worked my fingers to the ivory bone keys. But it was a joy. It is still a joy.

K: Are you still pretty musical?

R: Oh, I dabble from time to time. You know, it's something that was...it is a part of me as a spirit. People do things on earth as a human. (says it with some umph) I do things and I lived things as my Spirit wanted to. You can't make music your own without it becoming a part of you.

K: Do you think it would have been as much a part of you if you had your sight or do you think because you were blind you had to play music by feel and by feeling it you are ultimately living with it very intimately.

R: (whistles) Girl! You get it.

K: Do I?

R: Maybe to put that into practice is a bit harder to do but yeah. You get it. If I had my sight, it would have been a part of my life but it would have been very different. I'm not sure if I would have allowed it to come from my spirit if I had my sight. So, if you think about it, I may have never made that name for myself.

K: Was the spiritual purpose of losing your sight so you could experience your soul/spirit in that way?

R: Yes. I was meant to live a purposeful and spiritual existence through music. It was my act of creation.

K: And did you ever stop and think, I'm tired of this. All this up and down. Kind of like struggling when music started to change...did you ever just want to stop?

R: Hell no. If I stopped I would have stopped living and then what? Even when the hits were no longer the hits, even if my music wasn't played as much as I wanted it to, I played. I played because it sustained me. If there was no music, it was too quiet and I couldn't hear when it was too quiet.

K: In your quiet moments, because I'm sure there were some, did you enjoy the break?

R: Everyone needs some time to sigh. Everyone needs some time to enjoy other things. When your Spirit is tired, shake it up.

K: So what did you do in those times?

R: I liked chess. But I still hummed. I was a big hummer.

K: Always with the music.

R: Always.

K: I have to say though; chess doesn't sound very much like shaking things up.

R: Girl, I couldn't see. It was a challenge. I had to learn the board and the pieces.

K: So feeling was a big part of everything you did. But was it feeling with touch or with all parts of you?

R: It began with touch. I lost my eyes. So I needed to re-learn the world through my fingers; through my body. But when that music played, when I learned to read the music and make it come alive...that was my heart.

K: Do you think you had an advantage over people that were born blind? Maybe that you had a reference point with objects and some of them you could remember because you did see them?

R: Absolutely. I used that. Once you see, you always remember. Your brain captures everything around you even if you didn't pay it much mind. It was surprising what came back to me when I was handed something. It was instinct.

K: Did you rely a lot on your instinct?

R: Even those that can see, they need to use their gut. Instinct is always used. Just because I didn't have my eyes, doesn't mean my instincts stopped working. They were quite aware. In the darkness you get around by sensing more than what you can touch and that is your light. That is your flashlight to the world.

K: You lost your brother in...I'd like to call it a freak accident.

R: (nods) I sure did. I sure did.

K: That must have been a difficult time for you at that age.

R: I didn't know how to help. I didn't know how to be without my brother. I had to learn that. My mama had to learn what life was like without my brother. We had to learn together to be a double and not a triple.

K: Do you think that it could have been prevented?

R: I lived in a time where mama sent you out of the house and you were gone all day and it was trusted that nothin' would happen because you knew better than to get into things.

K: Even at such a young age?

R: Yes. Of course, it still happens. Parents put their babies in tubs and turn to get the phone. The baby rolls. Things happen. A toy rolls out to the street before a car can stop. Things happen. It's no one's fault.

K: You're showing me divine will.

R: I am.

K: People that have lost loved ones by it happens may argue that.

R: When you cannot explain something in your life whether it be loss or gain, it is divine. God had plans that you could not see. There are acts of God every day. There is solace in knowing, now, that my brother was needed for so much more than what he was livin'.

K: Did he guide you?

R: (smiles with those white teeth) Yes ma'am. He was my angel.

K: And your mother?

R: A part of me, that part of me that was her, I blamed myself. Of course it wasn't my fault. God's will isn't anyone's fault but I still needed to make her proud. I wanted to ease her pain through her losses and I tried. She was a strong woman. Tough love was my mama. I needed to make her proud. To do that, I could not be a victim of what I lost. I needed to be a fighter...like she was.

K: Do you think you accomplished that?

R: I did. I did. It wasn't easy. It took many years before I could tell myself, Ray, you've done your mama proud. But I got there.

K: You were a work horse.

R: Even though I had no eyes. I had my body. I had my mind. I had my fingers.

K: Were you a hands on kind of guy in regards to learning?

R: Yes. Always. Even when I could see I needed to feel.

K: Do you think it prepared you, then?

R: Yes.

K: Your popularity didn't happen right away did it?

R: No. It was hard times. After the war and all that...it was hard to be an entertainer and still make money. But I did. And when I didn't make money and I had no clothes or no food, I worked even harder because I had a dream to live what my soul...my spirit needed me to live. When you have the passion and give up when life gets a little tough...things ain't happenin'. But, if you live it even when it knocks you down, the dream is kept alive and you are supported in that. Music was my breath and so I breathed even when it was difficult to.

K: You showed me your influences and there was a really wide range. You seemed to float to all kinds of music genres and take from those.

R: Because music is music and if it's got your toes tapping then it has inspired you in some way. I was surrounded by all kinds of music and if it made my body move and sway than I would take from that. Creation isn't just using one tool. It's using them all.

K: Did you get disheartened when music changed. I mean, I listen to standards and the old stuff and there's a marked difference in music from decade to decade and people lose interest in what was. But you said it was timeless to you.

R: It was timeless and because it was timeless there would be a reboot. There's always a reboot. Look who sings my songs now? Everyone and I sing theirs.

K: You were a big influence for a lot of people. Jamie Foxx just adored you and because of that, look at the performance he gave being you. It was amazing!

R: I could teach. I could influence but I was always a student. What I could give to someone or how I could make someone feel through my piano...they could only do the same for me. It's a give and take. It's not just a take take take. There has to be that respect in balance. I respect artists. I respect all artists because I am an artists and for those just startin' out. Man, I was there. I just started out long ago. So if I know what that was like, I can lend that part of myself to another human being out of respect.

K: As much as you were revered, you also had those that amazed you?

R: There were my friends and those in the industry that I only tried to match. But if someone I just met came to me and said, I play a little piano then I would say, 'Play then. Let's play.' Because I know what that would mean to me if it happened to me so I offered that coachin' myself, see.

K: I can feel how stunned a certain young man felt that you're showing me, when you said that to him.

R: Aw yeah. (laughs) Nerves got the better of him but we were alone and I said to him, Relax. It's just me. And we played and played together.

K: And he will always remember you that way. Not as a celebrity but as a man just teaching the piano.

R: Alright. He's alright.

K: You could be playing the saddest song and after that last note you would smile so big. The emotion that you felt in a song, did you attach to that at all? The reason why I ask is because there are some songs that get stuck in my head and they're about heartbreak or sadness and it sticks with me the whole day.

R: I'll tell you somethin'. Holdin' on to someone else's heartache will make yours break worse. Let it go. Listen to another song. Don't let the last song you hear be a sad one. Let the last song you hear always make your toes tap. Always. Even if it's just the first verse. Always.

K: Is that what you did?

R: Always. Unless it was rehearsal. Then...therapy was after when I could be alone and either let loose or play and get my fingers movin' really fast on that piano.

K: But your letting loose was in the form of substance abuse.

R: I did have some issues with that.

K: Was it about escape for you?

R: I had my daemons. I knew then and I still used. I know now. It was part of my experience. I could have ended it all with my daemons if I didn't have the capacity to heal through my music.

K: So as much as you drank and did the whole drug thing, if you didn't have your craft it could have killed you. So you didn't use drugs to be 'more creative'.

R: No. Hell no. I used my heart and my spirit to create. I didn't use the dope.

K: Totally get it.

R: I know ya do.

K: Because the reasons behind drug and alcohol abuse can be so many. I guess it just boils down to the user.

R: I can't speak for everyone but yes. My reason and Joey's down the way...reasons are different. Ways of livin' are different. One man's poison is another person's party. One man's death is another man's life.

K: Wow.

R: Yes Ma'am.

K: You had a lot of kids.

R: (laughs) Is that a lot? What about them folks with the 19 or whatever it is. That's a lot of kids.

K: It is. Did you know them all or did you know of them all?

R: Ha ha! You just cut right to the chase there don't you, Kimberly?

K: I do.

R: I knew them. Some I knew more than others. Some kept their distance not by their choosing but when my life came to an end and my family surrounded me, I knew I was just fine. I knew my family was fine and I was just fine in what I made.

K: So you were at peace with everything.

R: How could I be anything but? I lived my purpose.

K: So when you saw St. Peter, and this is a metaphor because I spoke with Peter, and you looked back was there anything that you felt could have gone better or different?

R: Girl! Come on now. There is none of that. There is understanding but no better or different.

K: Got it. You know I'm going to bring up Georgia.

R: Yes.

K: It is an anthem of sorts.

R: Yeah.

K: Did you write Georgia On My Mind as kind of...a biography or a memory?

R: You never forget. Where you come from...it shapes you. It influences you. You either want to run from it or you want to always go back. For me, it was my home and it's where I began my journey. I suffered there and I lost there but I also gained so much from my home. I started my music there. I met pretty girls there. I lived there. I wanted, through those words, to honor that place that was a part of me; to honor my heritage and my family's beginnings. I emerged from just livin' as a boy to livin' as a man that was together with God and God's purpose for me. And I thank my home. I thank my home.

K: Thank you for sharing that.

R: Thank you for asking. I've been asked a lot about that song. I have given many answers but the depth of those answers were shallow. Only by arriving here do I understand my true beginnings as Ray Charles Robinson. My true beginnings and now the words I speak contain nothin' but my truth and my love of my beginnings as a man.

K: You travelled to Florida though.

R: The opportunities seemed to be more but you never ever disrespect what started you on your path. No matter what anyone tells you, you never forget. A part of my heart remained there with my mother and my brother. I will remain there as well.

K: Kryon said that even after you die, the energetic imprint of You will always be where you lived. Do you believe that?

R: Everywhere the world takes you, you will always leave a mark on the ground that you walk on.

K: So are you good with it all?

R: I am so very very good.

K: Do you still create music?

R: I still create.

K: Can you see? Do you have your vision back?

R: Darlin', I got 360 vision. I see things that you couldn't see as you. Not until you're done and satisfied with what you see in front of you will you ever be able to see more.

K: I guess you could take that in human ways too.

R: You could.

K: Very wise.

R: I try. You know, I have some experience. (chuckles)

K: You do. Thank you. Thank you for everything you've contributed to this world and what you still contribute because your music is always played and for that you live on.

R: I live on.

K: Did you realize how much you were loved and respected?

R: I did, Kimberly. I died a happy man because I had purpose. I was happy. You don't argue the timing. You know and when you accept the roles you played, you die happy. And then you really live.

K: Amazing. You're amazing. Can't question that.

R: Ha ha. Girl, I enjoyed this. I really appreciate you takin' the time to speak with me. I really do appreciate it.

K: You are more than welcome. Thanks for coming in. I love your energy.

R: (grins big) You have yourself a really good day.

K: I will do my best. Thanks Ray.

R: Bye now.

K: See ya.

Conversations with Paul Walker - Why Does School Suck?

January 7, 2017

I saw this question while browsing the internet and Paul laughed out loud. He said he wanted to talk about it. So, here's Paul Walker talking about school.

P: Awesome. We're back.

K: We are but completely different age set.

P: Doesn't matter the age. It all means something on each level to somebody.

K: Tongue twist much?

P: More like a mouthful.

K: Okay. So because you burst out laughing with this question and I can't see this being long winded, Paul...why does school suck?

P: School sucks because it's built with one mindset in the way it was created. It's not creating smarts. It's disregarding natural abilities and thought processes. The education system is just that. A system. Not everyone is going to enjoy it. Not everyone's gonna be on the same page of it. Not everyone was built from the same cookie cutter but school was built with the same cookie cutter. Now, there are systems out there that offer education with the individual students in mind. They work with the child. They work with the student but that's like a private environment and because it's not a system of the government, it costs money to get in and not a lot of people can afford to do that.

K: Like the Waldorf school program that we were interested in.

P: Exactly. It's all inclusive.

K: How can someone look at school differently to get the most out of it?

P: It's a tough one because there's this umbrella that hangs over it like it has to be done. If a kid's not in school than it's illegal or something. Kids have to be in school. Well, okay. If we're going down that road, what can you take out of school that you can enjoy or learn to enjoy?

K: Yeah.

P: Look. Everyone has strengths when it comes to learning. Yes, in school, you're taught a certain way to study or read or take tests and the basics of those things are really good but they have to evolve as much as the kid is evolving and that's where the hiccup is. The school system is not evolving as fast or progressively as the kid. The kid, then, has to figure out ways to adapt to this stuck infrastructure while learning with a way bigger mind than the kids that were around when I was growing up.

K: If the student is evolving in a system that is not, then where does the learning come in?

P: There has to be an initiative by the kid, if their old enough and, if not, then the parent has to know their kid good enough to look at what the kid is learning and approach it, at home, in different ways; ways that will interest the kid and not create more boredom.

K: So is education these days more reliant on a group/family effort than just a kid taking his/her book up to their room to study.

P: Yeah. There's gotta be more real life working examples of what the kid is learning. Let's say a kid is learning about the presidents. The textbook is going to be so dry. Why not take the kid somewhere where they can see the results or they can see the actual history of the men that led their country. Museums might seem boring but they can bring that picture into a kid's mind by highlighting history in a way that's visible and that can be touched rather than in a large thick book that a kid has to drag around in a backpack.

K: But then, the kid is in a classroom and not in a museum.

P: But because they got that chance to see tangible ideas and examples from history, they can then bring that back into the classroom and have a better understanding because they saw it with their own eyes. Some kids are visual, right? Some can see a painting of Washington and actually understand him just by looking at an image. Some can read, from a book, the charter of rights and freedoms but if a kid saw the actual document or a replication of that document in a museum and read from that original document, then there can be this thought that it isn't just dry textbook stuff. This is an actual piece of paper that shaped their country. Kids learn more when in the act of learning. Not just sitting there and trying to absorb something a teacher is preaching about.

K: Okay. What about other stuff.

P: Your friend Val had a really great idea about math and you learned math this way too, right?

K: Cooking? Baking?

P: Absolutely. Get a kid into the kitchen. If you can be in the kitchen yourself, even better. Explore the food. Explore recipes because they're just experiments. Learn the measurements while using them. What do things look like when they are measured and combined. Then they can bring that back to the studies and use it as a study tool. It's just switching words in a problem for ingredients right? The story is still the story. The characters names are just changing.

K: So to help kids get through school, you're saying to use it in every day practice or in personal field trips or exploration?

P: Yeah. The cool thing is, school is meant for something more than what you experience at a desk during the day. It's to take those lessons and what you're being taught and start to use it with everything. Science projects...yes. Absolutely. Then you're given the freedom to build something with your train of thought based on what you're learning. There's so much that you can create from the drop in the bucket you're learning in your classes. Get involved. You can be passive about the school or you can be an active participant. I don't mean be an active participant by getting the grades and taking the textbooks and memorizing it. There's a reason for school. It's to teach you how to be a participant in life. To read. To write. You take those two things right there and see what can be done. It's two of the coolest things when looking to create. It's self-expression. These are tools of self-expression so when in class, absorb those things. Absorb the literature and what authors were trying to project from their minds and use that as an example of what is very possible with you. There are kids out there that think school is just a babysitter or that they have to be stuck in a classroom. Well, take that mindset and turn it around. It won't happen right away. Instead of thinking of it like a factory, think of it as something that can ultimately lead you to create, invent, engineer something you want to see in your world using the tools that you're taught as a base that you can just add to and evolve with.

K: Wow. I can feel the passion behind your words.

P: It's a system. It's a dull system but there can be colors in those dull systems. Look at the teachers who know the system and figure out different and more thought provoking ways to teach what they have to teach. The best teachers will educate kids on how to use the lessons to begin how to think outside the box but if you go into class feeling the system and not give those teachers the chance to show you something that could change your way of thought, well that's just not being fair. Give it a fair shot and if you have the dullest teacher in the world it's an opportunity for you to bring the spark back to the teacher when you use what is being taught as a tool of innovation and ask questions that will spark thought. A great class discussion starts with one (shows a finger) thought provoking question. Speak it. Students are taught to sit still and listen. I urge students to ask as many questions as they can because it just opens that room up for discussion. Some of it can be passionate, some of it can be funny but it gets the minds working at a level that is evolved and not just stuck somewhere back in time.

K: Some students don't feel they can be vocal.

P: Students are allowed to be vocal. I encourage students to be vocal in a way that will start discussion and different ways of answering questions so every single student can come away with something new or a different ways to look at things that they never thought of before but it actually makes sense. There is not one way to learn and, if need be, the students have to be the leaders of their learning. Students are allowed to be the leaders and the supervisors of their own education. Parents are allowed to step in and be the voice for their child when something is not working for their child. The system is a system. It's not wrong it's not right. I can't judge it. It's in place for a reason. But I think the one big thing that people can come away from this chat is, work with it. Take from it, the basics and grow from there. Kids are smart. Whoever said a kid wasn't smart is full of shit. Kids are smarter than what adults give them credit for. College and university students have so much that they can absorb. They need that positive reinforcement that yeah, you're the boss of your education. If you feel something isn't working for you, how subjects are being taught, then take that and realize that you can figure out ways of teaching it how you need to be taught it. When you take that back (power) and show that things can be seen in your personal views and be correct, you're gonna make heads turn. You are going to blow people out of the water and friends will start asking you the questions.

K: You just showed me study groups.

P: So important. Don't be alone in your learning. Don't cut yourself off in your studies. Realize that you're not alone in your studies and study groups can offer a lot of support in learning. Group efforts? It really changes things for the better because not only are you learning together but you're being social and supportive of each individual in that group. Get those groups together. Create those study families and maybe include someone that you wouldn't dream of being friends with but, I can guarantee that the one you would never think would offer anything to a group, could potentially offer the most. Everyone deserves a chance. That kid that sits in the back of the class could be perceived as a jerk but he/she could be Einstein and could teach a subject better than the teacher. It's just that he/she is not being challenged in the way they need to be so they act out in crap ways. Everyone deserves the chance to be included in learning because that's how learning's done.

K: Did you like school?

P: (laughs) I got by.

K: So modest.

P: That's me.

K: Is that it on school?

P: For now. I'm sure this will come up again but school...education is what you make of it. I like giving the power to the learning. Give the power of education; of school back to those that have to sit there and partake. That's just empowering someone to learn.

K: Wow. That was sooooo awesome. Thanks Paul.

P: Anytime Kim. Love ya.

K: Love you too. See ya.

P: Bye. Bye guys!

Conversations with Paul Walker – The Body, Being Tired, Play Time

January 18, 2017

Welcome to the Paul Walker show where he comes in live from that dimension we like to call Heaven or Beyond the Veil. I feel like I should be holding a mic. Quick and dirty. Any topic you want me to expand on you know how to reach me. Some are even lucky to have my number. (wink)

P: Yeah! I'm celebrating. How are you Kim?

K: I'm okay. Why are you celebrating?

P: Because you can actually take a hint.

K: Okay. (not an impressed okay)

P: Seriously though, don't neglect guidance. It's just one of those things that people...you know, they chalk up to coincidence when it really isn't.

K: But isn't coincidence synchronicity?

P: There's intention behind coincidence from an outside source. Synchronicity is usually something that's behind the scene, you're playing, that's the director.

K: Or the helper?

P: Yeah. People like me, or Simon or whoever. Archangels. Take your pick. Family from the beyond. (Says it like he's speaking in a science fiction movie.)

K: Nailed it.

P: Always.

K: How's things?

P: Good. Always good and no need to ask but I like that you do.

K: I'm polite that way. I heard somewhere that Spirit has to keep up with the evolution of us humans. I found that interesting. Thoughts?

P: (sighs like it's a biggie) Oh yeah. Yes, yes and yes.

K: Is it a vibration thing or is it something different?

P: It's a lot of stuff but there's so much that...take the mind. It's evolving so quickly and people are feeling the effects of that. There's something to be said about having symptoms and not knowing what the hell is going on. There's labels out there for it if you talk to this guru or this enlightened one or this one that thinks they know better but really, when it comes down to it, it's just evolving.

K: Okay. And the body?

P: Yes. Absolutely and here's the thing. No one listens to it (the body) and they get frustrated because nothing is working the same. People are clumsy and they don't know why. Mediums aren't feeling or getting the information in the same way as they are used to. The physical body is evolving and it can be so frustrating.

K: So is that a validation for people who are getting a little tired of feeling poopy or tired or stuck?

P: Yeah. It is and it's not forever.

K: So as we physically evolve, so we spiritually evolve as well?

P: The body's only evolving to make room for the spiritual right? You have a spirit that has taken a physical form but it was so limited like...a hundred years ago. There's a big difference from then to now. So the body is doing one of these right...(taking his hands further and further apart) so there's more room for...us. For you. For everything. Growing pains...it's the real deal.

K: Is there anything that's hindering this process?

P: Health. Choices. It's not hindering it. It's making the process take a lot longer than what it needs to if people listened to the needs of their bodies.

K: And that's not a judgement call right there?

P: It's not. I indulged in a little...what you would consider unhealthy from time to time. It's just giving yourself permission to give your body what it needs in these times. It's really important. You may not like...what don't you like. You don't like brussel sprouts.

K: Hate them. Don't know what happened there. (blame the Universe)

P: Bacon?

K: Can't help the brussel sprout.

P: Okay but if you have this craving for this vegetable and don't know why, it's the body saying, I don't care what you think. I want the sprout and when you eat it, BANG right? Your body is like kick started into this way better working piece of body machine.

K: Yeah. I was reading something about that this morning.

P: It's totally right. If your body is feeling like junk (food) then allow that. Little bits don't hurt it. It's when you turn into the cookie monster that there's some...not problems but your body will react in turn right?

K: Yeah. Like two glasses of wine instead of one. What happened to me Paul? (My alcohol tolerance has shrunk big time.)

P: (laughs) You needed a break plus, when you lose the taste of alcohol it just means your body is at that vibration that it just doesn't want it. I mean, you can have your wine but to party like you used to in your youth, I won't give away any details but shit Kim.

K: Nice.

P: Your body just doesn't want that. Plus, you're getting old.

K: You are so on it today.

P: It's your birthday coming up. I have to give you a hard time.

K: No you don't.

P: It's 40. It's a big one.

K: I'm old. (Joking. I'm actually looking forward to it.) Let's talk about the body and emotions and what we can do to help that along or be good with whatever we're feeling.

P: Simply put, if you're feeling angry, work that out. Get physical. If you're feeling sad, take a rest. Self-care. Get more sleep. If you feel happy, celebrate it. Go out for a good time. Depressed? Learn to receive. Reach out.

K: That makes total sense.

P: It makes sense because the body speaks loudly. It's just sometimes we don't want to hear what it says.

K: And the reboots? The colds and flues?

P: It can be a reboot. It usually is but there are instances where it's just an immune booster.

K: How do you know it's an upgrade in the spiritual integration?

P: It doesn't last as long. If it's an immune booster or if it's the immune system...I guess evolving, it's gonna linger a little more.

K: Ah. Got it.

P: It's just one of these things where to take a step back and tune in...it'll feel pretty obvious.

K: I want to talk about being tired.

P: There's lots of that. What kind? Bored, un-enthused or really tired.

K: We could do all.

P: We could. (smiling)

K: What are you smiling at?

P: Nothing I could share here.

K: Okay. You were pretty physically fit. All those pics I've seen when figuring out who you were. Real or fake?

P: You've wanted to ask me that for months.

K: I have.

P: Kim, if I always looked that good...let's just say I was no Adonis.

K: Please.

P: I kept in shape but I would look at some of those photos and be surprised. Usually because I got the upgrade from the computer.

K: Without getting the cold.

P: Without getting the cold. I liked being fit and I looked pretty good but seriously, some of those pictures. (sits back and puts his feet up while laughing) enough said.

K: Enough said. Okay. Tired. Could you stop?

P: What?

K: You're making me laugh.

P: Okay. Hands off. Tired. Let's do boredom.

K: Good.

P: Get out of your comfort zone. Even if it doesn't feel like it's supposed to happen, just try it out. Tired of boredom is just the monotony of things. Time to learn something new. It'll go a long way to give you an energy boost because your brain is engaged.

K: And laziness or lethargy?

P: Lack of enthusiasm. Same thing. Start stepping into something really new.

K: Procrastination?

P: Lack of enthusiasm. Look at the task at hand in a totally different way.

K: Procrastinating because the task seems huge.

P: Steps. One thing at a time. Take it in sections and it doesn't have to be so exact either. There's no order. If you attack your to do list out of order, it might even go a little more smoother. Who knows. Just have to start it.

K: Tired because of lack?

P: Start counting your blessings. Nothing's going to change until you start being thankful for what is, now. Even if life is appearing pretty shitty, at least you opened your eyes to the day as an opportunity to fix whatever it is that needs fixing because the world still needs you in it. You may not think you're needed but the world says otherwise when you get the chance at a new day in this life.

K: Wow. That's a really important one.

P: It is. It really is.

K: Mentally though, for some it could be hard.

P: Yeah. It is. I don't think every day is a piece of cake. Attitudes can suck. I had bad days. Let the bad day go though so it's not a bad week or a bad month. There's a lot of people that think 2016 was a bad shitty year and it was to some. It was hard but then they expect 2017 to be a year that will be even better than or it will be the same or worse. Clean slate. You woke up to a new year. Enjoy it. Leave the past in the past. Every day is a new day and things can be changed and things can be overcome. That's just the way it is.

K: And feeling tired. Like tired like the body is heavy and exercise is, like, the most impossible task and moving is sloth-like.

P: And you're holding onto weight?

K: Totally holding on to weight!

P: Call it...absorbing the spirit.

K: But we are Spirit.

P: I know but sometimes the body has to just...it has to hold on to some of that weight while the body is working on this integration that is happening and when that phase is done, you'll get the energy back and the weight, which is usually water, will come off. The body has to ground itself while the energy is coming in and being absorbed right. So don't worry, once all that is done it'll even itself out.

K: So would it be good to be a little active even in those times that you feel like it's the last thing you want to do?

P: Oh yeah. It just makes the process of that much easier and quicker.

K: Good to know.

P: Feel a little fluffy there Kim?

K: Seriously?

P: Just asking.

K: Because I'm feeling pretty good right now.

P: Just tired? (goof)

K: Always a pleasure Paul.

P: It is. I'm just that kind of guy.

K: You had a very involved life in a lot of ways. Did you ever feel like you couldn't keep up?

P: Yeah. I can honestly say that there were times where I felt I was being pulled in a lot of directions. I was needed here, I needed to speak here I needed to be at mom's for supper. Right? I learned a lot about prioritizing. I had to learn about what was high up on my list and what could wait and it was a big learning curve especially when things got busy and I felt, sometimes, that I couldn't fit all that I wanted to do, in. But it all worked out and that's the thing, eventually, it's all going to work out. It's people that can't see that that get frustrated but when it does all work out they have no clue how but it's a relief. It saves a lot of stress when you just tell yourself it's all going to work out.

K: It's true. But it's a state of mind that can be difficult to see your way out of.

P: More times than not, Kim, I just wanted to hang out with my girl; with my daughter. I just wanted to be there for her always and I will but I just wanted that to be my priority because she was my soft spot to land.

K: You don't ever really open up about her in these.

P: Just sometimes it needs to be said. There's no forgetting those soft spots.

K: No. There's not.

P: I was enriched...that part of my life was the most enriching experience. It was the most settled and the...it was my biggest purpose. If anything, she was the purpose for me.

K: I can imagine. I feel the same way.

P: Yeah.

K: Let's talk about having fun. Play time.

P: It's all about play time, Kim. It's the biggest playground. Just depends on how you're going to play.

K: What is the importance of having fun?

P: I think that in this day and age, where everyone is just rushing around and trying to get things done, it's an opportunity to be care free. There's nothing to worry about when you're playing. There's no finish line. It's allowing yourself that freedom to explore with a smile on your face. It's so important because it just lifts that heavy and mundane from you to experience something lighter and it just allows a person to experience with heart and with connection. Play can do a lot and play as in action...that's for some but play while just hanging out or going to a movie or whatever it is, it's really just giving yourself a break. Even the most spiritually minded or the most evolved person allows time to play because in play, in having that free fun time, it's connecting in childlike ways. It's feeding that inner child that you have in you. Kids are all about a good time. That recess bell rings and they are out the door with jackets undone or shoes kicked off. And then they can come back and do the work and focus better. Same goes for adults. It's taking a mental break to rejuvenate yourself.

K: So it's one of those things that we need to make time for.

P: Daily.

He's showing me happy hour at a pub.

P: There's a reason it's called happy hour. It's because after the day of work is done, like recess, it's time to play; getting out to connect with your buddies or your family just for some down time. It's really important.

K: Did you make time for it?

P: Is this a serious question?

K: Yeah. Why wouldn't it be?

P: Of course I made time for it. I loved play. It kept the smile on my face. I was big on that but I was also really lucky to be able to do that easily and I had the people around me that had shared interests. For some, playing can mean going out and meeting someone for coffee. It doesn't have to be fast paced. The point is to just get out there and do something for the sake of putting a smile on your face. Do something that gets the heart working more than the brain and make time for it every day.

K: How long?

P: However long it takes to put a smile on your face.

K: Remaining child-like?

P: There's something to be said about maintaining that youthful and young innocence. Everyone's worried about growing up without enjoying the ride. Enjoy the ride.

He constantly shows me a picture of him driving a convertible and a friend/girlfriend sitting on the back and 'flying' with arms outstretched. Kind of like the titanic scene but in a convertible.

K: Personal experience?

P: Yep.

K: And did you do it more for her or you?

P: I wanted to give her the experience and I wanted the experience of giving it to her and watching it. It was a kind of gift for both of us.

K: Very sweet one.

P: I can be.

K: Very. Anything else on bodies or play time or inner child or what else did we talk about?

P: It was a variety Paul show today.

K: Okay though?

P: Always. Always okay. And calm is catchy. Thanks Sharon. It's a good thing to still be able to say stuff that people will remember.

K: Or quote.

P: That too. In this case, it's a direct one. It's awesome. It feels really good.

K: She's fantastic that way.

P: Most angels are. See ya Kim.

K: See ya.

Conversations with Christina Grimmie

January 20, 2017

She may be little but she is fierce is what comes to mind when I introduce this woman. When I say that I mean to say that the love for her life and what she did is so strong that it's palpable. She talks a lot with her hands which I tried to describe. She's focused but humble. She exudes forgiveness. I have not heard her music. I did not watch her videos. What I did gain from her, through this conversation, was that she was committed and devoted to her craft and those that supported her in that. I'm supposed to mention, while I introduce her, is that if someone hears her singing and not from a stereo or computer, that it's for them because she loves you. Someone needed to know that. It's nice to speak to someone who I've never heard of. I learn a lot more. She's gorgeous. She's really just a breath of fresh air. Here is my conversation with Christina Grimmie.

K: Hello Christina.

C: Hi. (very cheery and waves a little)

K: I have to apologize...I didn't really know who you were. You said your name quite clearly but I didn't know your history until a friend of mine kind of explained a little about you. All I knew was that you were a contestant on The Voice?

C: That's right.

K: And you were killed by gun shots.

C: Yes.

K: You are so cute. You're like this little fairy woman. So pretty.

C: (giggles and wipes bangs away from her forehead) Thank you so much.

K: I think people just really want to know if you're okay. I think it must have been such a shock and I use shock very lightly because I feel your passing caused people to fall to their knees.

C: It was really shocking and no one really saw it coming. I just was having such a great time with connecting with all of those people that listen to my music. It was so important to me to connect with those people because they were the ones that supported me so I didn't see it coming. I was totally absorbed in what I was doing.

K: I guess we'll get to that later. But The Voice wasn't your first experience with singing.

C: No. I started really young. I sang in my church. It's what I used to pray. Singing was just something that I offered to God because I was blessed with my voice so singing in my church was really something that I used to offer that back.

K: Did you feel a lot when you sang? Like did you have to connect with what you were singing to be able to pull it off?

C: Every song had to mean something to me. That's why I wrote a lot of my stuff. They say writing can be therapeutic. I guess I just wrote to experience. I don't know. It was really just a time where I wrote my moods and feelings down on paper and to put music to that was really special. To hear the end result of something I created made me really happy and I wanted to share that.

K: That's cool. So you used your singing and music as a form of self-expression.

C: (nods) Definitely. I really did.

K: Was there ever a point where you thought your success was all a dream or did you know that you would make something of yourself in the music industry?

C: There were some times where I thought, I'm dreaming. This is too good to be true. But I did work hard and it was something that I wanted to do with my life and so I tried what ideas I had or what opportunities were presented to me.

K: How did you feel about YouTube stardom? When YouTube first came out, it was a place to kind of share home videos or whatever people wanted to share and it's still like that but now people make careers out of their videos. Did you think when you started doing your YouTube videos that they would take off like they did?

C: I was really hopeful. I was never really camera shy because I just took it as an opportunity to share and hopefully get noticed by the right people. Because I loved music so much, my heart was in it and I think people could get that. I think people saw that it didn't matter if I didn't get a contract even though it would be nice (smiles) but I think they saw that I actually connected with what I was doing and I wanted to put that out there honestly. I never wanted to come off as someone copying someone else. I wanted to play music that I liked and that resonated with who I was and who influenced me.

K: I believe you pulled that off. I mean, your videos were pretty popular.

C: I was really grateful for that.

K: What made you want to do The Voice?

C: I guess it was partly a (personal) test. Some of it was like, 'I wonder if I can actually make it...' Some of it was, 'I really want to make it. I think I can win.' There was this weaving between the two. (using her hands and torso to motion it out) I was so grateful for the judges and their comments because I took them to heart and I used them constructively. I was there to learn, as well, from these people that had been in the business for so long. I wanted to take their thoughts with me so I could better myself in that industry.

K: Do you think you had to have a thick skin too?

C: I think that some people may have gone up there believing that they had nothing to fear and they were going to go all the way and whatever criticism or comments they were given they would brush them off. Of course, in any industry, there's going to be people like that. I used it as just another tool to grow.

K: But obviously you were a favorite. I haven't seen any of the footage but I get this feeling that people just were so attracted to you because of...you seemed to have this innocence and love about you.

C: (smiling) Thank you so much. I think that it was important for me to stay humble and tell myself to stay humble because I was just so blessed to be there and it wasn't an opportunity to take for granted.

K: Why didn't you sign to Adam's (Levine) label?

C: Um...It was one of those things that I looked back on after who I signed with didn't work out...it was one of those things that I kind of kicked myself for. I guess I was just convinced by words and promises but everyone's out there seeing if you can get the views and get the listens and get the popularity and if it doesn't happen the way the think it should be happening according to them, or fast enough, they move on to someone they think can provide that.

K: Do you think that it was something you did?

C: (shakes head) No. I didn't let that stuff get me down because I firmly believed in if God closes a door there's always that window open.

K: Very true. Very true.

C: Yeah. I felt a little bad, you know. Adam offered me such a great opportunity but choices...sometimes they work and sometimes they don't.

K: But it wasn't over for you by any means.

C: Oh no. In this business it was a ladder climb and I knew that. If you fall or stumble you just get back up.

K: Was your goal ever to sell out stadiums?

I hear laughing.

K: Because sometimes with artists, they lose that...I don't know. They only have one goal in mind, right and sometimes just focusing on that one thing makes them a little blind to what's happening around them? I guess getting too wrapped up in the excitement and the glories?

C: Yeah. There is that. I mean it would have been nice...(shrugs and smiles while she shyly admits it) but performing in any venue was just so amazing. I just tried to connect with everyone in the audience and experience the energy of that. I think it's a give and take because if you can't connect with the people in that way, the show won't necessarily be the best. If you're just up there and playing out this script...people will know that and I didn't want to come off like I was just up there to make a quick buck. I was up there because the audience put me up there because they wanted to see me and they genuinely liked me so, like in church, I wanted to return the favor.

K: Did it ever get to you? Did you ever just need a break?

C: Sure. (shrugs again like it's no big deal) Everyone needs a break. If I didn't take some downtime, I'd feel like writing would be difficult so I did take down time.

K: Good for you. So you were aware of your needs as well.

C: Absolutely. Totally. I can see how some artists can suffer a little bit of burn out. I saw it sometimes and I didn't want it to happen because I was still young and I still had work to do and to fizzle out so early would've been crazy bad for me. It was this kind of slow pace. (moves her hand along some imaginary line) but I had a lot of energy because I loved what I did.

K: Did you ever think that you would have a (television) show or anything like that?

C: No. (giggles) but I think it was the natural progression, you know?

K: Well no. Not really but I can see what you mean.

C: No television for you?

K: God no. Please. Totally camera shy. That's why you don't see me on YouTube. Tried it. Failed it or maybe it wasn't a fail. Just a, what the hell am I doing? moment. It was kind of like this 'everyone else is doing it so I should too' but it didn't feel right. For me, things have to feel right.

C: Oh I know. Totally.

K: You and your family were close, hey?

C: I love them so much. I just had so much respect for my parents and how they were just so supportive of me and what I wanted to do. I was very lucky to have had my family in the ways that I did. I believe that their love for me propelled me into being confident and knowing how to love. They are so amazing and I'm so blessed to have had that experience with them.

K: Did you realize the effect that you made on people when you connected with them?

C: I hoped I did. I know now what an influence I was and I'm happy that I was one of those good influences. Not that anything is good or bad, I just wanted to show a side to music or to being a public figure that was still earth bound, you know. (She's playing me a Corrs song that has a lyric 'earth bound, bare feet in play. Borrowed.)

K: I love that song. It's so true.

C: It is so true. Time on earth...it really is borrowed. Everything is an experience that in some way, you have to give back. I see that now more than ever.

K: I think there's people that need some closure on your death.

C: Yeah. People were really terrified that day and those that watched it...it doesn't leave. It's like the tape that loops over and over again.

K: Why do you think, now, it happened?

C: Um...it definitely gave awareness to safety of people whether they be performing or in the crowd. I think it brought awareness through, yet, another example about gun violence. It also gave awareness about attachment and obsession. People get so attached to a person through an image or a screen and with some...it's an infatuation that becomes dangerous. It was really about maintaining control over a fantasy.

K: Was there any point in that evening where you thought you would pull through?

C: (shakes head) No. I was brought to a place where everything around me was happening in slow motion. It was almost like...underwater blurry. I knew pretty fast that I wasn't there (takes her hands and motions to one spot) anymore. I was over a line. I need people to know that even though my physical body didn't die right away, I wasn't in pain. I didn't feel pain. I think the body is remarkable in those ways to put you in that state of physical shock so you don't feel much.

K: Was it the shock that make you think you were out of your body?

C: (shakes head) No. I was out of my body. I didn't know what death would be like because I never thought about it but when it happened I just knew.

K: Was it chaos?

C: It was chaos around me and I was surprised. I just didn't know what was happening right away until I saw me.

She is filling my heart with a lot of emotion.

C: (nods her chin) And I saw my brother. And I saw him try to help in the only way he could. He just wanted to get him (Kevin) away from me so fast. There was a struggle because he (Kevin) wasn't finished. He wanted to die with me. He had every intention of dying with me that day.

K: Was it obsession? Like a face in a crowd that you couldn't see but was kind of stalker-ish?

C: He stalked me quietly. Yes.

K: Romantic feelings?

C: Yeah.

K: Have you spoken with him?

C: Yeah. You know how you come to big understandings? We had one together. It would be really difficult for people to understand that. It's hard for me to say it because I know people will have a hard time with it so I won't go into details because there is still a lot of hurt and anger but we've come to an understanding. The thing that I want to say is that...people's brains sometimes work overtime in the fantasy department. It's okay to fantasize but watch how far you take it.

K: I can feel the hesitancy not just from you but for those that read this.

C: There's just...I believed there would be a judgement day. All I want to say is that for those people who appear tortured by anger, by their daemons, by anxieties and frustration and you die with those...there's so much help here. Nothing is here to condemn. It's only here to love you back to You. I think it's important for people to know that I, when I died, I was welcomed as an angel. I was welcomed by my family and my friends and so many that I have known...forever. And as much as I sometimes held those thoughts of judgement...it's so freeing to know that everyone receives their therapy (giggles) and everyone is helped. Everyone is healed and repaired and just honored for whatever part they played even if people from the outside believe it to be disgusting.

K: When you are so loved, like you were, it is very difficult to think otherwise and you want someone to pay for their actions even if they have died. You want to banish them to some sort of hell.

C: Yeah. I know. But...like you say...the person is still a part of God. The behavior is a choice but that person was still born of God. I think it has a lot to do with perspective.

K: Agreed. Big time.

C: There will always be different views because of people's beliefs. I stand firm in God's love for me and for everyone. I'm proof of God's love. I'm proof...my song was written by God. There's no second guessing that. I really want to share that. It's really important that people hear that from me.

K: I feel how important that is for you.

C: It's so important. I've learned the ultimate definition of equality here. I've learned that there are no mistakes and that hurts a lot of people. But I came from this place (points fingers down) and I was created in this place and brought back to this place. There are no mistakes.

K: Do you feel like you left too early sometimes or do you feel like you did what you came to do?

C: I'm okay with what I did. I created. I shared myself. I honored the chance to become something that was so very important to me. It was a wonderful experience because I experienced so much love. I'm very very peaceful with that piece of me that was My Life.

K: Was your music a personal statement of your life?

C: It was a personal statement of my feelings and emotions. Of what was in my heart so, yeah, I guess it was.

K: Do you think that there needed to be a hard look at security for those celebrities that maybe weren't so big...compared to the stadium fillers...

Laughs

K: ...which you were well on your way to do but do you think that this just raised awareness that yes, all people that put themselves in the public need to be more secure?

C: It's too easy for people to get into back doors and sneak around. It's too easy for people to get weapons. It's too easy for infatuation to take a turn for the worst. I think there is a lack of security in a lot of places. Especially schools. I'm glad that people are aware that senseless acts of violence can be so easy to do and that there needs to be that extra level of security for not only those performing but for those that are watching. It happens so often and yet...measures to fix policies are so slow. I just want to see people be okay knowing they will be safe at big events and they will be safe watching the performers that they love. When people go out to play and have a good time, I just want to see that they don't have to think, in the back of their minds, 'what if there's a shooting?' That doesn't need to be in the back of people's minds when trying to have a really good time.

K: I see what you're saying. I really do. What was your favorite moment as a performer?

C: There were so many. I think that The Voice was just an amazing opportunity. It opened a lot of doors for me and it created this family circle. I didn't know it then but I really needed those people in my life. All of them. They just gave me so much and I was honored to be touched by every single person I met through that show. I was very blessed.

K: You are so beautiful. You are so sweet. I just love you. I can see why so many people adored you.

C: (grins) Thank you so much. Thank you Kim. Thank you so much.

K: Please. Thank you.

C: (brushes away some hair from her face with the back of her hand) This was fun.

K: Come back.

C: I will. Thanks Kim.

She just sits there and waves her fingers in goodbye. Then the whole picture fades backwards. *poof* Gone.

Chats with Paul Walker - Survival Mode

February 19, 2017

I wanted to explore this after hearing the speech that I posted by Wentworth Miller. Here is a little bit about Survival Mode with my friend, Paul Walker.

P: Are we back?

K: We are back.

P: Good. Things okay?

K: Things are okay. You good?

P: Of course. What's the topic of the day?

K: I was hoping you could share some thought on Survival Mode. I posted a...I guess you could call it a speech by Wentworth Miller...

Nodding slowly.

K: Anyway. Survival Mode and is it happening to the degree that it has for hundreds of years or is it happening less and less after people are beginning to realize who they are at the core of everything.

P: See...it's a struggle for people to figure out who they are at the core of everything because it's not something that's too comfortable to look at and to discover. You really have to dive in deep, you know?

K: Oh I know. I know very well.

P: Yeah. So, in instances of survival mode, a person is disregarding what they feel they are or who they feel they are or they're trying to escape that because of shame or guilt or whatever cultural influences there have been and that are around in the present. This can come from this lifetime but it can also be carried around from other lifetimes and you could have the best life, or so someone would assume looking from the outside in, but inside of you, personally, you're suffocating and running from everything that you are. It's a conditioning. Survival mode is conditioning from lifetimes, environment in the now and from personal conditioning like in the way a person talks to themselves.

K: Okay.

P: So, let's take a look at how a person talks to themselves. Usually, when you're talking down to yourself you're comparing yourself to another and feeling deflated or empty and this is based a lot on assumption. There's also times where you talk down to yourself because you feel you haven't met this mark that has supposedly been set up by someone who has no clue how life really works and so because you can't make this made up line or goal...it can get very degrading.

K: Yes.

P: Then people go into this mode where it's all about self-protection and self-preservation while harboring these feelings of 'not good enough' or lack of self-esteem.

K: Wentworth was talking about how there's no sense of community and where there's a lot of I statements but not I as in I'm the shit but I like that's all there's left and it can't be shared and it has to be contained because the world could suffocate that last remaining piece of I that some of us hold on so tightly to.

P: It's true. It's totally shutting yourself off from the world around you when the world around you is only here to help shape an individual and to help support an individual in self-discovery and that I. Finding that part of the world, when there's so much shit going on and bullying and fighting...it's hard. It's hard not to go into yourself... but not to discover you but to hide what wants to be expressed. That's suffocating. Really, when you look at it, it's not the world around a person that's suffocating them but they are choosing to put themselves in that place of suffocation because of fear, right? They fear repercussion, they fear connection, they fear, judgement, they fear the possibility of affection from another because when you're in this survival mode, deep down there's that voice that says, whoever it is and whatever they're tellin' you, even if it's nice, they're really out to get you. It's not so but if you're constantly in this fight or flight, the anticipation of some sort of conflict or some sort of judgement of truth just cuts one off.

K: Do you find that it's a generational thing? Do you find that a lot of youth, today, are stuck in some sort of survival mode?

P: Believe it or not, Kim, that's the generation that's going to show the older generations how to come out of it. It's the younger generation that's actually going to use the voice. Not every young person has the ability to use their voice with integrity and truth but there's a lot out there that are and so all these situations that weren't the "norm" are actually becoming the "norm" (using air quotes) because of the young people and young adults that are saying they're okay the way they are and they believe in equality. These people are the ones that have come here to have their say on behalf of this world to change it. It's the older generations that are fighting this because when they were growing up...what is being uncovered now like LGBT communities and womens' rights and Native rights...it's all coming out to be acknowledged and changed. This is new stuff. This isn't stuff that the older generations have ever been okay with and they, sometimes, would rather not have to deal with it. Surprisingly though, it's hitting a cord with the older generations. Things that they didn't want to look at, within themselves at all, because they've been in survival mode all their lives with the exact same situations or feelings that the younger generations are talking about now. It's uncovering things, within them, that they never wanted to look at about themselves and it's hard. After so many years of hiding away your truth as a fifty to seventy-year-old, let's say as an example, it's incredibly difficult to have to hear your truth from the younger generation that you would have rather hidden or had to hide because the minds and eyes and hearts weren't as open as they are now.

K: I get that. I see that. But not all of the older generation are staying naïve or ignorant. I think that some actually feel like they can breathe and whatever their age, they can speak truth or they can live a lifestyle that they've wanted to for so many years but felt as if they couldn't.

P: Oh yeah. There are lots. You see same sex partners taking advantage of the fact they can make a commitment to each other in the open. You see young and old raising their voices in protest about human rights. You see it everywhere. Because these younger generations are paving the way. Things are changing and really quickly even when it's tough to see that change. But it's good change. It's chaotic sometimes but that's only the start and things will begin to settle.

K: How many generations before people really begin to get out survival mode and be at peace? Not only with themselves and who they are but with the world around them.

P: For a hundred percent it's still gonna be a few generations but...you live in this place that will always have duality. The thing is, though, duality won't always initiate violence. It will initiate communication but it won't initiate violence. There's always going to be this yin yang thing because that's how earth was created. Free will right? It's just...growth is ugly. People, when they start to mature, get all that acne and hormones and craziness going on. Same with the collective. Violence is the zit on the tip of the nose on prom night and prom night, it's gonna happen with the zit. Thing is, the zit will eventually heal. Same with this world and the violence in it. People are starting to mature and with that maturity, they're demanding higher ways of resolution to conflict. That's coming out of survival. But that's the big picture. There's also the day to day.

K: The day to day?

P: When you're talking about survival mode and you talk about someone that's in that...there's a lack of honesty. There's a lack of integrity. There's this lack of worth. Survival mode is lacking vulnerability. It's putting up a front of I'm cool when really, you're so not okay.

K: How do you recognize someone that's in survival mode?

P: No eye contact. Can be introverted. Or they can be the exact opposite. They can be preachy. Like they speak like they're losing their grip on whatever they're trying to control but it's very reactive and abusive. People who freely abuse others or are playing the bully role...that's survival mode.

K: The abused?

P: Survival mode until they reach a point where enough is enough and then they take their power back but you can see that this whole 'victim' mentality...it doesn't have to be retaliation with violence. It can be retaliation in productive ways like taking the experiences and speaking about them and offering up experiences as teaching tools to empower others. This is what's coming. And it's really contingent on forgiveness.

K: Wow. That's a really big word. Not to say but to do.

P: It is and coming out of survival mode means being willing to forgive. Forgive yourself or forgive others who you feel have contributed to this survival mode mentality. But forgiveness doesn't mean holding onto a bit of that just in case whatever happens again. It's letting it all go. It's becoming a hero of your life. You can see a definite difference in those that have healed from pain and being in that space of just surviving life. There's no emotion attached anymore and by emotion, I mean the drama. Dude is cool as a cucumber...is that still said? (grinning)

K: I'm sure by some people.

P: I just sounded like the biggest...I don't know.

K: You're just a cucumber Paul. A big cucumber.

P: (laughs) I'll take that as a compliment.

K: Big cucumber.

P: Yes, there are the younger generations that are stuck in this survivor mentality just because of...maybe the part of the world or what's happening in their personal worlds. But, I guarantee, with these little warriors, they know it and they're coming out of it because they know, really deep down, that they're strong enough to come out of it. They can ask and they will ask for help and then they'll use what they've learned about themselves to help others in similar situations by sharing their stories in groups or communities or even schools. Trauma won't be an excuse to stay in fear. It will become an excuse to be a hero and they will.

K: And it doesn't have to be like this life saving dramatic personal rescue. It can be on any level; with any situation that life hands to them?

P: Yeah. For sure because they came here to have that handed to them so they can grow from that. It's the zits that they asked for. Even if it's on prom night or the day of a wedding or the next photo shoot.

K: Cool.

P: Cool.

K: Thanks Paul.

P: Thanks Kim. Love ya.

K: Love ya back. Take care.

P: See ya.

Conversations with Clive – Truck Driver

February 19, 2017

Sometimes I'll get someone coming in that I have no clue about. They were just this regular person living regular lives but what life is regular anyway? It's the experience we chose. Even if it's not in the public eye it's still just as important, maybe even more so. Clive came to me a couple days ago and he felt really great. He's friendly, patient, observant. Just likes to hang out and keep out of the way. He's a big guy. Probably 6'2" if you want to get really specific. He's muscular but has a bigger belly on him. He's wearing a plaid shirt and jeans but has an old ball cap on. Kind of reminds me of a biker type man with a teddy bear energy. He was based out of Ontario. Maybe someone knows him or remembers someone like him. Anyway, he's great. Here's my conversation with Clive the Truck Driver.

C: I'm gonna pop in here now if that's okay.

K: It's cool. How are you?

C: Oh, well. I couldn't be better. This is one of those things that is so different but it feels so familiar. Like havin' a talk person to person but...well, I guess that's not really what this is but I think you get what I'm tellin' you.

K: I do. So, I don't know how you came to find me. All I hear for the last few days is Clive and then you show yourself yesterday. What brings you around?

C: Oh, nothin' much. Just thought you might want to have a talk with an old guy like me. I don't come from much. I kind of have a background that really was pretty uneventful from another man's eyes. I guess you could say that my life was kind of dull.

K: But how did you feel about your life as Clive?

C: I didn't mind it. I was pretty...I had the mindset that this is what I was and how I worked and lived and I was okay with it.

K: So what did you do in your life as Clive?

C: I drove truck.

K: And what kind of trucks are we talking about?

C: I drove those big eighteen wheelers you see speedin' down the highway that everyone wants to pass but gets nervous doin' it. (he laughs a little remembering.) I didn't hog the road or nothin'. I made room. Pulled to the side to let 'em pass. Those small cars looked so small when I was on that highway. They looked like toy cars, like those tinker cars?

K: Yeah. I know.

C: Yeah. I had a good view from my seat. I had a good view. I could always see what was coming.

K: Those are big trucks. You'd probably have to know your way around a truck like that really well to be able to drive it well.

C: You do. It's a safety thing. You gotta know your rig.

K: I bet. When did you die?

C: '85.

K: What did you pass away from?

C: My heart wasn't so good. Sittin' and drivin' for so long. You forget about the body.

K: You were a pretty big guy. But you look more like you should be riding a Harley Davidson.

C: (chuckles) Those are pretty nice bikes and I knew a couple guys that owned them. They liked the hogs when not drivin'. Thing is...I always thought I'd crash 'em.

K: I'm not a big fan. My husband is...of the motorbikes.

C: They're for some people for sure.

Helping kids as I talk to Clive so I have to pause every now and then.

K: Sorry Clive. I got home life too but I wanted to chat with you a little since you've been so patient.

C: I understand that. It's nice to see a family humming a long and doin' their thing.

K: Did you have a family?

C: No. I stayed with myself. I had a sister. She helped me when I got sick. She let me stay with her and when I was in the hospital she stayed with me. We had each other you know. Our parents died early. They were heavy smokers and no one really thought anything of it in those days. I never touched the stuff. I liked my Rye and Coke. That's what I liked. I liked my beers but I never got the taste for the cigarettes.

K: Was it your parents' influence that kept you away (from them)?

C: I never cared for the smell. I tried it once but the taste never left my mouth.

K: What about your sister?

C: She did for a little bit (smoked) but when she had her kids, you know, she quit.

K: So you had nieces and nephews?

C: I had nephews. Great kids. Went far.

K: That's good. Where did you drive truck?

C: Oh, I based myself in Ontario but I drove all over. I saw Canada and a lot of the States. It's a great job to see things.

K: Did you ever wish to do something different or did you just settle with the fact that you drove truck and that's what you were ever supposed to do?

C: (chuckles) I was a comfortable guy and I didn't want to do anything else. I was good on the road and that's where I felt I belonged.

K: When you weren't driving did you have a home in Ontario?

C: I rented an apartment. I never got a home of my own because I wasn't there much to take care of it. I guess that's why I stayed single too. I didn't think I could take care of a family by being around and being present with them when I was drivin'. A father has to be with their kids.

K: Don't you think you could've taken less hours?

C: I could've. Thinkin' back, I know I could've but, like I said, I was comfortable.

K: So why me?

C: I knew that was coming.

K: Well, it had to be asked.

C: We see people from over here that want to talk and want to learn and want to absorb whatever we, as ghosts, (smiles) can teach 'em. I don't think I have much to teach but just bein' able to connect with people again...it's a cool thing.

K: In your life as Clive were you a spiritual guy? Religious?

C: That's a good question. My church was the road. I believed in God. I talked with God because when you're on long trips, who else are you gonna talk to? I thought I was talkin' to some guy but what I did learn is that I was talkin' to everything. I liked those talks. So when you ask if I was religious...I don't think I was good at that. But if you ask me if I was spiritual? I guess on a certain level I was but I wouldn't label it as something spiritual. I'd just call it understanding that there was something else. You look down a highway and when the sun sets just right and it lights up a field you think to yourself yeah, something did that. Something great and I called it God like a lot of people do. I still believe it was and is that.

K: Those sunsets in September...

C: The best. The most beautiful.

K: Yeah.

C: And you rarely experience those when you're stuck in a city.

K: So what do you think you Spiritual experience was in your life as Clive?

C: Hhhhmmm. I think it was being stable while roaming. Being home while always on the go. Being settled in movement.

K: Do you think a lot of people have...I don't know if easier is a good word but easier with things like that?

C: You can tell those kinds of people. They travel. They can't relax when in one place so there are people that feel at home while always on the go. At some point, we settle. For me, it was because of my health.

K: Did you wait too long to become settled?

C: I didn't think so. My body told me when it was time. My mind didn't.

K: How long after you did your last run was it until you passed away?

C: Oh...I guess it was about five years.

K: How was your life in those five years?

C: Slow. They were slow days. I helped my sister when I could. Sometimes she wouldn't let me. My breath was hard sometimes.

K: Yeah. That could make someone tell you to relax. What was the most interesting part of driving truck?

C: Meeting people. Some say there's a danger in pickin' up strangers. I felt I was a pretty good judge of character. I liked pickin' up the people with the big packs on their back because that meant they had stories to tell and they just needed a lift 'cause their feet hurt. (laughs)

K: You don't hear about people getting picked up anymore really. I think it's a big no no with the trucking companies.

C: Yeah. It was for us too but a guy can get lonely and if I bent the rules a little, no one knew. It was just an opportunity to get to know a person. A roaming guy just like I was. I liked this particular young guy. I picked him up in Alberta. He was trying to get back east but I was only going as far as Saskatchewan. We went to eat at this roadside place. You know, the greasy place but we couldn't ride after because he liked his beer and I liked my Rye. So we slept it off. He was a great kid. He was funny.

K: Did you ever feel like you were putting yourself in danger?

C: Look at me. (I really wouldn't mess with this guy) I was strong and I carried protection with me. I usually had a blade or something but they never got dangerous. They were mostly just travelling and experiencing life kind of like I was.

K: That's pretty cool. Did you stay in touch with that guy? Because the feelings you're giving me is almost like a father son relationship.

C: I called him a few times. He called me a few times. His name was Scott. He's still there. He talks of me often and I like to listen to him. That's what I was about. Making friends and sometimes not keeping them but talking to people just talkin' like there's nothin' to hide because they're in your life for only a short amount of time. There's no defense there. There's just interest. It's really eye opening.

K: Do you think you could've written a book about all the people you got to know even on the tiniest level?

C: Oh, I don't know. Writin' wasn't my thing. I could ask you the same question.

K: Well, they're all here (the blog) so I don't know what the point of getting a book together would be. But I have been asked.

C: I see. I get that. Boy, they are so studious.

Kids are doing homework while I have this conversation.

K: Sometimes. I have to push them at times to be that. Especially my girl.

C: You know why though?

K: No.

C: Because she's a free spirit. The work ties her to a place she doesn't want to be in.

K: Unfortunately the work has to get done.

C: My nephews were the same way. Wantin' to play around rather than hit the books.

K: But they did good or are doing good?

C: Yeah. They do alright.

K: What was the best place you ever travelled to in your truck?

C: Colorado. I love Colorado.

K: Least favorite?

C: (laughs) Oh boy. This could get me in some trouble.

K: It's okay. I like trouble. Stir the pot.

C: Saskatchewan. Man. It's flat. Great lakes but to drive it. A lot of coffee on those trips. (grins)

K: Did you love?

He thinks about it.

C: You mean with a woman?

K: Yeah. You were saying you didn't settle down because it wouldn't have been fair but did you experience love?

C: Love was transitory. There was love. Sure. True love...no. I wasn't right with true love.

K: Isn't all love true?

C: If it isn't true than it isn't love.

K: So you experienced....

C: As a man, I experienced lust and a good time. As a Spirit I would say love because I wouldn't have given myself to anyone in any way if there hadn't been love involved. I know that now. Love is everything. Even in the smallest things because it's a great big bubble of everything. Does that make sense?

K: I get what you're explaining to me. That bubble I see this world in even though it's hard sometimes. Would you have done things differently? In regards to relationships?

C: Nah. I know what I lived and I'm okay with everything because I was lucky enough to be able to see. Some people get tied down with this belief that to be settled is to be settled down with a wife, kids, cars...whatever that may be. But that's not the case with everyone.

K: No. I guess it's not.

C: I'd say my love was gettin' to experience the road and where that led. I had my assignments and maps but there was a freedom on those highways that was filled with this opportunity to gaze and see things that people miss. That's why I would stop and pick up people. Because I got to see a part of them that not many others got to see or they would show others. That part of them was the part of me that was the same. You meet some really great people when there's nothin' to hide away. What else are you gonna do but share great and true stories with someone you probably will never see again. That or share your problems and get perspectives from people that don't know you and so can give you some heartfelt direction without being biased. I gave good advice. I was a good listener because I wanted to hear from others maybe something that I was missin' in my own life. It was therapeutic for me and for them I think to. Scott, he had good times to share but he was also lost in what direction (to take). That's what travellin' does to some people. It gives them space to find a direction. When you don't have anything but your own mind and your own feelings and an open road to explore...it gives direction and probably the best kind because there's no one in the way of what you want to do or need to do. These are decisions based on you solely as the person you are. It's a great thing.

K: Wow. That's awesome. Kind of like people that take a couple years off to travel before going to university or something.

C: It is like that. It's a good thing to let yourself explore because when that happens, you eventually discover yourself in this world. It's a great thing.

K That's awesome. I'm really happy that we had this chat. You're great. Thanks for searching me out.

C: You're not hard to find.

K: Thanks Clive. What else are you doing today?

C: Well, I think I might hang out at a diner or something. Have a beer. Maybe a Rye and Coke.

K: (I'm shaking my head) Can you still create those experiences?

C: When I want to I can. It's mostly when I want to live me as Clive for a little bit. Thanks Kim. You gave that to me. Thanks for the trip down memory lane.

K: You're welcome but again, I thank you. Have one for me okay?

C: I will. Rumor has it it's your birthday.

K: Soon.

C: Happy Birthday. Have a good one. Maybe I'll come back sometime.

K: You are always welcome.

C: (nods) I'll let you get back to it. Have a good day.

K: Bye Clive.

C: Bye Kim.

Conversations with Paul Walker – Suffering

February 24, 2017

Though I have been told that Spirit cannot relate completely to suffering any more, it's one of those things that we, as humans feel very strongly whatever the case may be. There's no indifference here. I get the feeling that when we leave this earth, after a physical death, there is no suffering like we would consider it unless you want to have that but even then, the feeling of it slips through your fingers. There's no grasping suffering because there is no suffering where love is. I think that when crossing from the physical to the ethereal that there is this huge a-ha that it is this ingrained belief of the illusion. This could be controversial but I didn't talk to Paul about it to get fangs and claws out. Spirit doesn't disregard what we go through or what we feel but they do acknowledge it as an experience and they do support the healing and the strength that is the result of suffering even if we have trouble getting to that place. Anyway, suffering.

P: Hey Girl.

K: Hey Guy.

P: Hey crazy.

K: Hey creepy dead guy.

P: Hey...(laughs) red.

K: Hey yellow.

P: Why do you always have to have the last word?

K: Because I'm the girl and you're the guy and that's the way it is.

P: Really?

K: No but I can try.

P: Hhhmmm. I'm not sure we'll get a lot of work done right now.

K: (laughs) Me neither. I just got what you were saying in the other channel about things you can't say here.

P: Wow. That took, like, a month.

K: I'm a little naïve.

P: No kidding.

K: So, we did a reading the other day...

P: Yes we did.

K: And it brought up another word that I want to talk about if you have the time.

P: Kim...

K: I don't have all day. As much as I would love it, I don't.

P: I know. So what's the word?

K: Suffering.

P: Suffering. (making noises with his mouth like he's thinking) Hot topic. Personal because it's so real to many many people.

K: I know. How real is it?

P: As real as you want it to be. As real as you need it to be.

K: And why would you need it to be real?

P: Because you want to experience it.

K: Who in their right mind would want to experience suffering.

P: You're talking like it's something tangible when it's really just a concept.

K: Okay.

P: It's an experience. It's a hard experience. What do you want to touch on....

Silence as I get the play on words. Then there's laughing as I turn red. There's also a man that I used to work with who was a fan of the dirty jokes that was hanging out while we were doing this channel.

K: We aren't going to get through this today. I swear to every single God! I'm trying to be serious and I can see an old friend with you that's egging you on!

P: Jimmy? Yeah. He's awesome. The guy's hysterical.

K: Can I focus please.

P: Focus.

K: Give me emotion.

P: Emotion. Kim. You have to stop laughing.

K: I'm done. Continue.

P: You're not done. Take a breath.

K: Emotional suffering. Why would someone want the experience of emotional suffering?

P: To realize that the light at the end of the tunnel actually exists.

K: But there are people that can't see that. How long do you have to emotionally suffer to see the light?

P: It's a choice.

K: Choice is one of those words that's everywhere. (not a fan of the word in this instance)

P: Some linger in it. Some come out of it stronger. It's strength. It's...a reminder of strength. When you get back to the light, it reminds you how strong you are. Even to linger in personal emotional suffering...it shows you strength as well. It's perseverance.

K: What about those that can't make it out?

P: Eventually, people do make it out. Even if...and I know it's a hard topic to translate Kim but hold on.

K: Okay.

P: Even if they choose to end their own lives to see the light at the end of it. I'm not saying there's any excuse, from a human perspective, that it has to go to that extreme. It doesn't but you can't stand in the shoes of a person who is suffering so terribly with their emotions and judge their behavior when, at the time, it's all they could see or feel to do.

K: The neglect to call for help?

P: Is feeling hopeless that anyone would ever understand. Emotional suffering is swept under the rug a lot and usually by the person who's doing the suffering.

K: Yes.

P: It's not something that can be ignored because depression is really prevalent here (Earth). That's why it's important to notice the signs. Validate people's feelings even if you don't agree with them and understand that their suffering is theirs and it's a cry for help. All emotional suffering is a cry for help but sometimes goes unheard because people feel they can't relate and so...they can't offer solutions. Emotional suffering doesn't always have solutions. There needs to be an understanding and a sympathetic but constructive ear to listen to it...the person.

K: I have a hard time accepting that people choose emotional suffering as an experience; like choosing to go on a roller coaster.

P: It's a tough one, for sure Kim. It really is. And it's an uncomfortable one because not everyone can relate to such darkness. Not everyone can understand why there are some people that just can't wake up and feel better. So this is the thing...what if we, as a human being, started seeing things from different viewpoints and start accepting that emotional suffering is a real thing and start a conversation about it.

K: Like asking why?

P: Be ready to listen to the why's and how's because just as uncomfortable and uneasy it is to hear it from someone...it's just as uncomfortable and uneasy to spill your emotions and think that someone won't turn against you for it.

K: So is emotional suffering... a little about experiencing fear?

P: Yeah. It's a survival mode like we talked about earlier.

K: Okay.

P: Sometimes people think that it's a selfish way of being. Of always thinking about and protecting the I. But, for the one who's experiencing it...it has to be that way because that's for their own personal safety.

K: I see.

P: Safety on a lot of different levels.

K: Emotional suffering after death?

P: Like the dead person or the ones left behind?

K: The one's left behind.

P: Lack of trust that it's not really a death. Not in the way the living look at it.

K: Okay.

P: It's a missing part of the whole that you've created for your life to look a certain way or to be a certain way or...even to feel a certain way and when that part of you is gone, seemingly forever, it's a major reason for suffering.

K: Yes. I agree there.

P: And again, as painful as it is... and I know that more than anyone...there's a bigger piece of the puzzle that's ignored. We're still there, just in different form. We're still a piece of your whole. It's accepting that we may look a little different that's really hard to do.

K: Especially when kids die.

P: Absolutely. There's this preconceived idea that the older generations will always go first and then when a son or daughter or niece or nephew or grandchild goes, it turns the worlds upside down. For obvious reasons.

K: So is that an experience for both sides?

P: Yes. It's a chosen experience.

K: Which doesn't soften the ache of it.

P: No. Not right away.

K: What about for the ones that have died?

P: Emotional suffering?

K: Yeah.

P: Sucked right out of you. I mean, there's still empathy and love for the people that are still there (points to earth) and the after effect of a death. But I mean, you can't hold onto that here. You just can't. You can try. If that's what you want to try but really, there isn't a point to it. Instead of suffering there's healing. Huge healing. Even if you were living this really cool existence, as a person...there's still healing.

K: So the worry for someone that has died contributes to the suffering of those who mourn those that they lost?

P: From me...being here now...celebrate the experience that they lived especially with you and love them and understand that they're so good. If anything, celebrate...I call it my graduation. Celebrate the graduation. Yeah, there's sadness but to celebrate a life instead of mourning it...it's a whole other perspective. I can't convince people to let go of their suffering so easily when losing a person that was so important to them. Same goes for divorce. Celebrate the time that was because it was for something. Say you had kids together or say you built a business together. The relationships end but the outcome of that coupling could never be regretted. It's about making peace with where you were at the beginning of that and celebrating how far you've come out of that relationship...no matter the dynamics of it.

K: Always the positive one.

P: For sure. Absolutely.

He's riled up. He's talking really fast. This is important for him.

K: Physical suffering?

P: It's all about the body.

K: Sure.

P: No. Hear me out. Experiencing the body but not attaching to what is going on with it. Don't create labels according to what's going on. Cancer. It's a big thing. It's painful, it's ugly, it's heartbreaking. Don't attach to the diagnosis. That doesn't mean ignoring the diagnoses. But you have cancer. You're not cancer. Do you see the difference?

K: Okay.

P: If a person decides that they are that, (talking with his hands a lot) then they become that and it makes it more difficult to come out of that. If a person accepts that but doesn't attach to it because there's more to life than a diagnosis...the body will follow that example.

K: So wallowing in a diagnosis?

P: It can be shocking. That shock can get you spiraling and it's a head game. Take charge. Listen to what a diagnosis and the body are telling you. Ease the suffering.

K: This isn't disregarding anyone and what they're going through, physically.

P: No. (shakes head) Not at all but the shock of a diagnosis can sometimes have people spiraling in this imagined state of being which is usually the worst case scenario. You don't have to accept a diagnosis. You acknowledge it but don't disregard life either.

K: And to witness someone suffering?

P: Empathy. It can be frustrating as hell to see someone suffer so much. What if I told you that you could be the light at the end of their tunnel? Whatever it is...

K: So being the support.

P: Yes.

K: How does a person cultivate the strength to be supportive when they see their lover or friend or family member suffering?

P: Because the love that you both have for each other is what will get you both through it.

He's in my chest now. Love. Big time.

P: It's a time that shows what's really important and the little stuff is put to the side and all that's left is love. (shows his hands like it's that simple)

K: Seeing someone physically suffer...I know there's a lot of questions as to why them or why me?

P: Sure.

K: So why?

P: Kim.

K: I know. The experience. Seriously Paul, not a great explanation.

P: Some things are just that. So, when you're living it or your losing it, are you going to keep asking why? How? What for? Or are you going to see a bigger picture and crawl back up to standing where a person belongs.

K: But it's like ignoring it. Suffering can't be ignored.

P: So you're going to go the other way and let it take over your whole mind body and spirit?

K: Then there's a line that has to be walked?

P: And it's not forever.

K: Even though it feels like it is or could be.

P: Every day...strength remains. I don't care who you are or what your circumstances are, there's strength there. Even the tiniest bit so every day with every ounce of healing, the strength increases and increases until one day you can get out of bed and face it. Face the loss, face the illness, face the depression. Suffering... sometimes it's hiding. I totally get that. Sometimes a person needs to hide away for a while to collect themselves. But hiding while ignoring...that's why conversations and communication are so important and it has to be honest. It has to be forthright. It can't just be a surface level thing because suffering is so much deeper than that.

K: Okay. So here's a question. When you saw suffering while living as Paul...

P: Good one.

K: Well, did you feel the same way?

P: No. Not always. I felt suffering was really unfair and I wanted to help that.

K: Yes.

P: It's totally unfair when you see it with human eyes and being in that place of yin yang where some have it really good and some don't. Actually, a lot don't. But...you were talking about compassionate action in the youth thing.

K: I was.

P: Do that. Be that. Even if you don't see the results right away...take it upon yourself to do a personal rescue mission. Not trying to do things for the person who's suffering but enabling them to see that there's nothing against them but everything going for them. No matter the circumstances there's always something going for them and they need help seeing that from someone. Yeah?

K: Yes. Do you think with time...do you think there's less suffering now than what there used to be?

P: In some ways but the suffering now has a different face than it did years ago. Still feels the same. Still feels impossible when you're in the thick of it.

K: Circumstances change but the feeling is still there.

P: Because it's connected to emotion. Even the physical is connected to the emotional. Like it or not...human beings...life is emotion.

K: No robots here.

P: No. And the duality and the complexity of emotion are so varied. It's so big and things like suffering...it's like this tiny part of that but feels like it's everything sometimes.

K: Absolutely it does because emotional suffering...can make people physically sick.

P: Yeah. Emotional suffering can start the physical suffering and then you're just this hamster in a wheel at night running running running and getting nowhere fast. (using his fingers in circular motion)

K: So if you're physically suffering would it then be an idea to see what emotions are attached to that and not just the illness?

P: The illness is...a lot of the times is related to the emotional suffering. Depression is a big one. Cancer too. Where are you holding your stress and tension? Where are you holding your pain? Look at that. The body can hold those things in little pockets that a person isn't even aware of.

K: Wow. It's like an exact science and not at the same time. In Chinese medicine there's a saying chasing the dragon. It's like you're treating pain and it moves. You have this area taken care of but it goes to that area then that area. So, if you're treating pain and it's constantly on the move, holistically speaking would you look at the emotions of the person?

P: There you go. Good job Kim. If pain or illness is not responding to treatment then the treatment needs to start focusing on the emotions. The mind and the heart. Bingo.

K: I can be smart sometimes. All is not lost on me...and before you say anything about that, I'm wrapping up.

P: Fine. I promise I will leave without making you turn red but I can't promise that from Jimmy.

K: Take him with you.

P: Are you kidding?

K: No. Seriously, that guy made it his mission at work to get me so bad. I was purple.

P: (laughing) Easily done.

K: Anything else on suffering?

P: I should close with something profound.

K: Not so heartless? (teasing)

P: Me?

K: Kidding.

P: I know. People want the reaction. I was an actor. Did you know?

K: I had an idea. I was told.

P: Oh right. You don't watch it.

K: Nope.

Rubs his hands together in thought then brings them to a prayer position at his lips while leaning forward.

P: Okay. I understand that there is suffering. I was the cause of some. I felt some. I didn't escape it. I saw it. I experienced that. Not in the same ways as the worst case scenario but I had moments of that. I had times where I didn't know if I should go left or right. I had an easier time riding it out or shaking it off. But, I will never nor did I ever disregard those who were going through hell and needed help. Including nature. Including animals. God, the ocean...the ocean could heal itself. It suffered but it was constantly cleaning itself. I admired that. It had help. I took the example of that. So if my words are being heard like, the guy has no clue whatsoever about what I'm going through...not the case. Because I'm here to love you through it. I have a bigger understanding of it so in that way, my ability to maybe ease a little of it...it's kind of like my new mission. Missions never really change. They just get tweaked. Mine got tweaked a little. Doesn't mean it's over for me. Means I'm capable of more than when I was living that life. So yeah. I'll end it there.

K: It's perfect.

P: Thanks Kim. See you in like...what...a few minutes? (grins like he's kidding)

K: I will try my best to pretend that you're gone. Only because I have someone on standby.

P: I'll see you soon.

K: Bye Paul.

P: Bye.

Thumbs up and gone.

Conversations with Helen Keller

February 23, 2017

She was blind and deaf but beat the odds that were against her. She never thought anything was against her because she refused to believe that. She's beautiful. She's classic. She'll fool you to think that there really wasn't anything 'wrong' with her but doesn't do it on purpose because there was nothing wrong. She refused to believe in limitations or excuses. She chose life and to be an active participant in said life. She's an inspiration even if she never considered herself to be one. She wanted to live as an example. I think that looking back, she can now be okay with inspiration status. Here is my conversation with Helen Keller.

H: Yes. Oh this is fun. I'm ready to enjoy this. Thank you my dear. Thank you for having me.

K: It's a pleasure. Sorry it's taken so long. I know we talked a little bit back in January but things came up.

H: Oh, that's quite alright. Things come up all the time. It's life.

K: It is life. So, I have one question to start and it's a big one.

H: I'm ready.

K: How? Seriously how? Maybe I don't really understand the time of when you were alive but I couldn't imagine...

H: Then don't. Don't imagine. Don't even think. Because if you start to imagine than the questions won't come because there would be an assumption that you would know and my dear, no one knew exactly what that was like.

K: How could they?

H: How. What part of how would you like to know?

K: Like, everything. How was it possible that you could do so much under the circumstances?

H: I was disabled. I was not dead.

K: No. You had a very spitfire like personality. You still do.

H: I had to. If I didn't have a passion for continuing against all odds, I wouldn't have. You can't be passive or lethargic when presented with a life that I had chosen to live as a deaf and blind woman.

K: Was that part of the experience? To take it by the proverbial horns and steer it in a direction that was so amazingly awesome that you blew people's minds?

H: Did I?

K: You're a hero for many. You never quit.

H: No. (folds hands in lap)

K: Did you ever want to?

H: Before every breakthrough there is a breakdown...of sorts. Not everyone has a complete and utter breakdown but there is time for pause and reflection and decision making before the breakthrough. Many, however, don't pull the weight of that and they don't get far. It is usually buried under self-pity.

K: Did you have any moments of self-pity?

H: Oh yes. I would be envious of others and their ability to see the world. To live in color.

K: To hear?

H: Yes.

K: Looking back, if you could, would you have gotten the hearing back or the sight?

H: (shrugs) Neither.

K: Neither? Why?

H: Because it was not my intention to live those ways. It was my intention to live beyond that.

K: Would you say you were more in touch with what Kryon calls, the innate?

H: Oh yes. It was a must. I had to be in touch with senses that not everyone believed they had?

K: Do you think your senses were a lot deeper and...maybe more spiritual than others? Did you rely on that intuition rather than logic?

H: (smiles) My life was heavily drenched in the aspects of intuition. Mine was strong. If I had kept my vision and my hearing, my life would not have been the same. I couldn't see but I saw. I couldn't hear but I heard. Vibration was very important. Vibration was my eyes. Vibration was my ears.

K: Could you touch vibration like...if I was holding a pen could you hold vibration like that?

H: In a way. It's a very good comparison. Grasping vibration as if it was a physical object. Very good. I understand that and I would have to agree.

K: What was your breakdown before your breakthrough?

H: Hhhmmm. A child lacks patience for learning especially when you have to engage everything through feel and through intuition; through the senses that a human does not use but must use to learn. As a child, it was something that I couldn't grasp easily. So, I would have to say the most frustrating times for me was when I was a child. I had patience through others. It was a difficult time for my family and for my teachers but there was no giving up. There was a lot of consoling but there was also a lot of the tough love where I was not permitted to give up. My parents wanted me to live as normally as possible and so they pushed me to be my normal in an unforgiving world. You do not back down from circumstance. Quite the contrary, one must live up to circumstance.

K: Did you know that as a child who was so sick and woke up one day as a new person in an old world?

H: I was taught that.

K: When did it come together for you? When did 1+1=2?

H: When I could add them together. When my mind finally clicked (snaps fingers) and the equation made sense. Before anything makes sense we must learn the building blocks of it. An infant learns easily enough. As an infant learning one thing and then having to reinvent my own personal equation...it was extremely tiring. I must say, though, I had profound teachers and great friends.

K: Anne Sullivan was integral in your breakthrough or so we assume?

H: Oh! I wouldn't have been the woman I was without her friendship and her guidance. She was my life support.

K: Did she learn from you as well?

H: Yes. She learned from my experience with no hearing and what that could be like and so it was also a life changing experience for her. I believe we shared much and learned much from our shared experiences which was very mind opening for both parties. She was my great friend. She is my great friend.

K: Was she completely blind?

H: No. (shakes head a little) but she was enough that she struggled in her beginnings as well.

K: Did you get frustrated with her or did she get frustrated with you as a girl, more?

H: She exuded the definition of patience. She would never complain. She could relate with the eyesight but she could not imagine never being able to hear as well. So it gave her strength and perseverance that both disabilities could be overcome and not just one.

K: Did you show her, in your own way, how it would be best to teach you?

H: It had to be both. She needed to try and I needed to see if it worked. Of course, everything was frustrating in the beginning. Nothing worked. I had to learn things that I could not remember ever seeing or hearing. So it was a constant revamping of the wheel in terms of study.

K: When it finally clicked for you and you were starting to make sense and understand as well, how fast did the process or communication become.

H: Very fast. So fast that sometimes people couldn't keep up for they had to learn from me what I was learning from myself.

K: You spoke. You could speak to people. Did that take practice?

H: Of course. To speak I had to learn the vibration of the words instead of hearing them. Imagine Kimberly, sentences full of words and to speak them you had to understand the vibration and the cadence to make sense. I pushed forward with that because I lost my sight and I lost my hearing but I would not lose my voice.

K: Wow. That's awesome. And you shared it.

H: I did. If I could find my voice and speak on behalf of what was important to me it was meant to be shared.

K: Were your speeches passionate?

H: Yes. I was a passionate speaker because everything I spoke about was passionate to me. I was a voice for the people that didn't have one, namely those who couldn't speak. I wanted to be the face of the people that endured disabilities and teach that it was not solely an endurance but a lifestyle. It was the lifestyle, same as everyone else's. It just appeared differently. I would often tell myself that those with some sort of difficulty or disability were the normal ones while those that did not were out of the norm or awkward.

K: Why's that?

H: Because, we, those who needed to use our physical senses in different ways, were much more in touch than those that had them well intact.

K: I see what you mean.

H: Yes.

K: What were your thoughts on Alexander Graham Bell?

H: He was a master of communication. It was his mission to allow all able bodies to be heard and he did a fine job. He knew what a person needed. He knew what lacked and how to fix it. He was magic with communication. He brought the world closer together because of the importance of communicating no matter what it looked like or how it was done. Anyone could communicate. Those were his feelings and they were very true.

K: You were an author.

H: I was an author even before I spoke.

K: Was that a lot of your communication? In writing?

H: It was the first thing I learned to do. It was the stepping stone for people to understand what I was saying to them.

K: Was it the writing in the palm that taught you how to spell?

H: Oh yes. It was the footsteps along my path.

K: How was school for you?

H: I adored school. It was normalcy for me because I went to a school where people like me were the norm but the amazing thing was...we all learned. We were all able to absorb the same lesson even if the absorption was completed differently.

K: This brings me to the question about standardized education. Thoughts?

H: Standardizing is all well and good. You can have a plan and initiate it believing that everything in that plan will be understood. It will in time. The trouble with standardization is the neglect of personal achievement or the ways information is learned by the individual student. Things are taught in one fashion. They are taught with teaching in mind and not the education of an individual. Therein lies the problem. It is not so much the standardization but the effect it has on personal learning and personal growth. Confidence of a child is shattered when they cannot grasp information like another child. Learning is individual.

K: So you understand standardization as a system but feel it lacks benefit for the collective of the people learning?

H: Yes. It is the way of most things but it lacks creativity and awareness.

K: So you're being diplomatic.

Sneaky grin.

H: Yes.

K: You were very outspoken and often called radical for your political views and worldly views. Do you think you weren't taken seriously because of your disabilities and therefor had to be more outspoken than others?

H: I came to a time in my life where I felt I was not disabled because I was not. I walked, I talked, I wrote, I laughed. I was a whole human being. I could even state that I was even more whole than those with all their senses intact. I did not allow what I lacked to be an excuse not to speak up and speak out. I spoke what I had in my heart and in my mind and to many, it made sense. I did not stand and promote fear or behaviors that would condone violence. I wanted a rising but a rising of spirit. I wanted a rising of equality and the movement of could; not could not. This was important to me. There was no such thing as using lack as an excuse for anything. When thoughts of lack are present, there is a refusal to explore other means of abundance because what lacks takes precedence over creation and invention. Mine was a mind that would settle for nothing less.

K: You wrote a couple of autobiographies. What did you want people to know about you?

H: I wanted to oppose the idea that all was over when tragedy struck or life took a turn for the worse instead of better. I wanted to share my strength and possibly give that to another that felt they were given a raw deal in life. I wanted to give courage to rise out of the circumstance that was presented and know that changes can be made to be an active participant in one's life rather than settling for what was handed to you. Of course, it wasn't easy for me in the beginning and I wanted to portray that. It was not easy but I was faced with a very important choice; one that I was acutely aware of in my childhood and one that frustrated me when it got hard. I could rock in a chair and be oblivious to the world in which I lived or I could participate in it to the degree that I could be present in it. I chose to create my world through my personal visions and my personal thought and at times, because I relied so much on vibration and intuition, I was ahead of my time and so not understood and made out to be difficult or stubborn.

K: I think you had the right. I mean, you had to work really hard to be present in this world as the person you were.

H: Yes. I loved but I loved ferociously. To some...it was a little much. (chuckles to herself)

K: Did you always require someone with you or could you manage on your own?

H: I didn't always require someone with me. I did require a companion but I did not require a babysitter. In my youth, I did. I was precocious and wanted to learn even if the lesson was fire or a knife. Things in my environment had to be controlled.

K: Did you ever feel trapped in your body?

H: When I was small, it was very suffocating because I felt I knew nothing but I knew much more than I thought I did. As I got over that hump I got over the idea of limitation. It was a blessing. My body still moved. I learned sound through feel. I learned that dancing did not always need the music but required rhythm as well.

K: That's really beautifully said.

H: There is always an underlying sense that things are bigger and more profound than what they appear to be on the surface. When faced with adversity or a disability, we use this to our advantage and come up stronger and more able than those who choose to disregard the depth while only being in touch with the surface. It is dark while exploring depth but it is in the dark that one must find their light to shine and the experience is much more gratifying than for some who choose to float on the surface. During rough seas, the waves can knock you back but in the deep, the waves are not felt so intensely. I learned the ability to swim the calming depths than to get swept away by the waves.

She's showing me whales.

H: I have a great affinity for whales. They were happy in both areas. They swam the depths so beautifully and frolicked on the surface. They know life.

K: That is an incredible example. Thank you for that.

H: You're very welcome.

K: What do you think your spiritual experience was in your life as Helen Keller?

H: Perseverance and grace. I was to experience choice. Choice to continue, choice to evolve with what I was given and choice to overcome. I never thought of my life as something to overcome. I never allowed myself to feel those things because I was blessed with opportunity to know myself in ways that not everyone gets to. When presented with blindness, you find sight through other means. When presented with deafness, you find your voice differently than if you had it and it becomes stronger because you find these things at a deeper more profound level than if it was just there and easy to use. I learned in living every experience as it was and nothing could be taken for granted. I had much that was supposedly taken from me but as it was I gained so much more.

K: Were your parents and siblings worried for your future?

H: I believe, they too, had to look at life in a much different way. I think, for a while in the darkest part of my recovery, they panicked a little. They feared what my future looked like. I was my father's daughter. I was his strength and he was mine. We found ways, together, to continue and get the best education and care that they could afford and could provide. I was given generosity because I made it known, in my youth, that I was a fighter. Even when I would cry and wail...I was a fighter and so no one could give up on me. I was very blessed with much support. I think that if I was only looked at through my weakness and not my strengths, my life could have been viewed very differently. My family would not allow that, nor would I. As you can see, I lived a very fulfilling life. One that I enjoyed very very much.

K: Even if someone was happy, could you detect, with your hands, if they were really happy? Could you, as you put your hands on someone's face, know how they were feeling...truly feeling?

H: (smiles) Touch can say more than words. So yes. I could grasp what many could not.

K: Was it your little secret? That you could intuitively and physically feel with your hands what others thought they could hide?

H: That is how I was introduced to people and so I knew, from those ways, how they needed to be treated and spoken too. It was a gift that many do not possess. Even if I could not ask about their feelings, I could touch them to make them see that I understood; that they were understood.

K: You're amazing.

H: Thank you Kimberly.

K: I know that there is so much that we could talk about in regards to your experience but is there anything else that you want to add about your human experience as Helen Keller?

H: It would be wise to listen to the secrets of your soul. It would be wise to listen to the potentials buried beneath the surface of your mind and heart. It would be wise to cultivate a sense of strength from adversity. To believe that you are hard done by will only increase those circumstances. Remember that everything is a choice even if not believed to be. Things are not done to you. They are done for you. It would be wise to understand that this idea gives strength even in the most dire of situations. Things do not work against you unless you allow that for your experience. Do you see?

K: I totally see. So it's a change in perception.

H: Yes but even more than that. It is a change in life. It is a change in the ways of life. Life will continue.

It's just deciding how you will continue with it.

K: That is so awesome. Again, you're amazing.

H: Thank you. Even those that can see have trouble seeing. I would like to be the example of sight in a dark world.

K: Do you find that people live by your example of strength and overcoming. Maybe even persevering?

H: I do. It's why I lived.

K: Simply put.

H: If I lived for no other reason than to be a bench mark of what could be done with a life...then so I was.

K: My heart is so full of excitement right now. Like anything is possible.

H: Anything is. Thank you Kimberly. Thank you very much for your time.

K: No. Thank you. I'm honored that we could actually sit and chat for a while.

H: Very well. We are both thankful. What a state of being. Thankfulness. Have a wonderful evening with your family. With your children. They are such a treasure.

K: They are. Thank you. Take care.

H: Goodbye.

She never appeared blind. She never felt to me like she was deaf. If I was to see her on a street back when she was alive, I would have no clue. She's an example of accomplishment. There are no excuses. Really. She made them all go away. Love her.

Conversations with King Tut

March 5, 2017

This was a surprise. I mean, in some way, they're all kind of a surprise but when I saw him I wasn't expecting it. My son is really into Egypt right now and has a lot of questions about the country so when we got back from the library on Friday, I could just sense that he was around and the more I sensed it, the more he made himself known. His coloring is dark tanned. He had a shaved head. He was a little stooped. He wore a red/maroon tunic and it went to the floor. He had an air of superiority but he was pleasant enough. He was friendly. I think the little time he did sit on some throne, he did command authority but he also had this feeling of a learner that didn't want to stop. The history of his lands, when he was alive, was extremely important to him and still is. He admitted to having a temper but I never saw it. It's like, he was in my house and respected it as my house. Like he was a guest and so he would act like it but if I was a guest in his house, I would need to be on my best behavior. He was cool. I enjoyed this. Here is my conversation with King Tut. (Don't even ask me to spell his whole name. No way, no how.)

T: Greetings, Kimberly. I do thank you for accepting me into your home and allowing me some of your time.

K: Not a problem. I've been sensing you around for the last couple of days. I haven't felt someone hang out for a while. I apologize that I couldn't get to you sooner. I think that I say that a lot to Spirit but it's true. I sometimes feel like I need to drop everything and just do these conversations the moment you come in.

T: It's not necessary but I do appreciate your thoughts. I have learned the art of patience. As king...it wasn't one of my best qualities.

K: Ah. Why do you say that?

T: Because, as many who are born into privilege, I expected things as I wanted to see them and nothing more. Things were granted to me and as a boy. I did not understand that I could have waited for that which I desired and as a king, I did not wish to.

K: Let's talk about that. You came to the...I'm just going to call it a throne...you came to the throne at a very young age. Was that even a concept for you at that age? Did you really know the scope of those shoes you were filling?

T: I knew of the title. I did not know what it entailed.

K: Were your parents around to help you?

T: No. I came to the throne with the death of my father.

K: Did you want to rule as he did and I'll just let you know right now, I have no idea about your rule.

T: I didn't know any better.

K: So, in the beginning, at nine years old, did you really rule or did you have people that did that for you?

T: I was the face of Egypt and yet I had others making decisions on my behalf; people that knew what it was to be government, as it were.

K: Did you get taught or were you given teachings on how to be a king?

T: In time. In the beginning, as a child, it was difficult for me to want to sit and be while on a throne and watch everything around me continue and try to know what it all meant. In time, with trusted colleagues and companions, I learned and knew what I wanted to see.

K: Did you get taught on the history of your lands and the culture, religions and such.

T: I did. I was touched, mainly, by the history of my lands and the story the lands told me. I felt that I knew what my lands wanted back and what needed to end and I believed that I had the power to give that back.

K: What about the people?

T: The people would follow what the king wanted because it was assumed that the king knew better.

K: Did you always know better?

T: No. (smiling) I did not always know better.

K: Did you think that with your trusted advisors and your young and naïve mind (I'm assuming) that you were coerced into making decisions that maybe weren't the best for you or your country and best for those that wanted to see it happen?

T: Of course there was that. I could only rule with what I was taught and with the tools that I was shown. As I matured, however, I saw the consequence of action and I saw the outcome of plans unleashed.

K: I bet.

T: Yes.

K: I want to talk about slavery.

T: Yes.

K: Did you see it?

T: I was shown the many people that built Egypt on their backs. However, there were also regulations put in place where it was not chaos but organized. As you see ants in a colony, so was my colony. Ants have a way about them that organize their systems so it is flawless. They don't ask questions and they are provided for. My colonies...my country was akin to that way.

K: I was watching a documentary on Egypt and the person who was travelling Egypt was saying that there is a very big community effort where neighbors help neighbors because they want to and not because they have to. Was that in your time as well?

T: Not always but yes. Egypt, at that time, was very...beyond its time in the way it was growing and in the way it was built. I, in my older years as king, wanted to support that growth but in saying that, I also maintained a greed on how I needed Egypt to look and how it fought and how I commanded that. When I matured, I could be very stubborn in my wants and desires and I would put into practice, things that could make a person believe that slavery was practiced more than an organized working structure. I wanted things put in place...I wanted things constructed and built very quickly. I thought, as I looked out at my country and at the many people that built it up on their backs, that I had the resources so why couldn't it happen so fast. Even if the resources weren't up to the task, as a king I wanted it done.

K: Did you have temper tantrums. It's rumored you could.

T: Yes. I wanted my way.

K: Was that just because you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth?

T: (chuckles) Yes.

K: Could you see a distinct difference in the children of lower class and those of higher class?

T: Yes.

K: What was the main difference?

T: The lower class knew of play. They knew of free play. The upper class could not look so...free for they had an image to uphold. I, even more so.

K: You married young.

T: I did.

K: Did you love young or was it that way because it had to be?

T: We were matched because of status.

K: Were you family?

T: Yes.

K: Siblings or cousins?

T: We were cousins. We were first cousins of a family that was more inbred than not.

K: Ah. So close cousins but because of so much inter-family marrying and so forth...could you say it was more like siblings?

T: Yes.

K: Were you aware of genetics...somewhat in those times?

T: No. It was thought that to marry one of your own you would continue the royal lineage with no strange or unwanted...blood. It (lineage) needed to be maintained as pure as possible. You've seen these kinds of marriages even in the more recent histories of your kings and queens. It is not new.

K: No. It's not. What was your relationship like?

T: It began as a nuisance. I did not understand the female mind or heart nor did she understand the male. We were children and only beginning to mature ourselves at that time. As a maturing young man or woman...there is nothing worse than to physically change and have to do this while married. At first it was a burden.

K: And after a while?

T: We came to be great friends. We came to love each other very much.

K: Do you think you couldn't have children because of the close...I don't want to say in-breeding but the gene pool was slightly narrow. Do you think that your children did not live because of defects of that nature?

T: She was unable to bear children. She physically could not. There are many women with these issues and her fertility and ability to carry a child at such a young age...it could never be. Yes, the gene pool was very small and yes, this did contribute to the problems of continuing the royal line. It was a combination of things of this nature.

K: Did you hold it against her? That she couldn't produce an heir?

T: It was frustrating but to see the devastation on her face when she bore a child that lay dead...my heart went out to her.

The feelings I'm getting are very full of sympathy and sorrow.

T: I could understand the guilt that she felt was inconsolable at times and this inability to produce an heir was spoken of as rumor among the palaces. It was very difficult for her.

K: Did you have to remove yourself...like did you have to keep your distance from that? Did you have to remain indifferent?

T: I maintained an air of dignified indifference when asked. In our quiet times together we would speak about it. There was a marked difference in how we acted in our private space than that of the public. We were friends.

K: Makes sense. I guess you had to save face a little in front of different people. When could you just be you? Did you feel as if you were always on display and when could you just be yourself?

T: I grew to know which parts I had to play and when.

K: I find it an incredible time period. Your father wanted only one god worshipped and you brought back the worship of many gods. Why?

T: After much study and much searching for understanding, I found that each god that was worshipped meant much to many and I wanted to restore this worship for the people of my lands. My father worried about the power of the priests but in my mind, they priests were of no concern. It was the worship of the gods that would grant abundance and blessings that was important. I respected the history of my lands. I respected the principles and the morals it was built upon. My father wanted to reduce power by reducing religious ideologies. I wanted to restore all that which Egypt was built on. This was not to be ignored. This was Egypt.

K: How often were you sick with malaria and did this contribute to your death?

T: Three times I was cursed with fever.

K: Did you know it was from the mosquitos?

T: No. I was unaware of why I seemed to be always ill. It weakened me very much.

K: Did you, yourself, have some genetic defects?

T: I was not aware that I had any. Those were not a thought to me. Now I have a much bigger understanding that yes, I did have health issues that arose from genetics.

K: I read somewhere that you died from a broken leg or a wound on your leg or something. What was the cause of your death?

T: I was not immune to illness nor was I immune to death.

K: In those times, did injury to the body result in death a lot?

T: Yes. It could.

K: So would you attribute your death to your injured leg, like they speculate, or would you attribute it to the malaria and weakened immune system?

T: Weakened immune system. By my nineteenth year I was not in great health. My health was failing. If it wasn't the broken leg it would have been something else.

He's showing me the heart.

T: It did not work as well as it should have.

He's indicating his whole chest area.

T: These things did not work well together. Together they were my weakness.

K: Did you know of your dad's ruling and how it went and did you know that you wanted to do something very different with Egypt?

T: I wanted to bring Egypt back to a place where it used to be. There was glory there. There was cooperation between countries. There was reverence to what was important. My father took that away. I wanted to bring it back. The history, to me, was very pivotal in re-creating what was and that was the glory that was bestowed on my people by the gods.

K: People are fascinated by finding your corpse and the amount of knowledge that was gained at that time just by uncovering tombs and things that could tell a story. Was that the hope? That the story of Egypt and its people would continue through the pictures and the art and the carvings that were buried with those that lived at that time?

T: We were buried with the very comforts that we had in life because it a sign of respect. You simply do not lower someone into the depths of the earth without what was most important to them and what their importance to this world was. It is a grand thing that our history has been respected and it is a grand thing that it will never be forgotten for that is what was so integral to me, at that time, was to maintain that. I am satisfied that much has been deciphered and I am satisfied that some has remained a mystery. It is not that I wish to keep secrets. It is that some (information) is not ready to be revealed.

K: It is said that hieroglyphics proved the existence of alien species that would visit ancient Egypt and as much as I don't like to do conspiracy, I would like your thoughts on this.

T: (smiles) We were not ignorant of those in the skies. If you ask me if I had contact with those of the stars, I would tell you no. It would be wise to speak to a priest or priestess of those times for those are the ones that would lay witness to these things and would, then, document the wonder of it. If you ask me if I believed in those of other places and of other times I would have to tell you yes for I was taught such things. I was also taught never to fear them for they are here to assist.

K: Could you say that they were believed to be the gods of your time?

T: No. They were not the gods of my time.

K: So they were something different.

T: Yes.

K: Why do you think they came so freely in those ancient times?

T: Because there was no threat to their visits on the Earth. There was no fear related to them. They were simply there. They were a part of the skies. It wasn't something odd or mysterious. It wasn't something that would bring ominous messages. It simply was.

K: Was there outside help in the construction of the pyramids?

T: If you are asking if those of the skies were of assistance in the building of the pyramids...yes. There were some that have assisted in these things but there are some that have assisted in many more areas of this Earth without the knowledge of the Earth beings. I do not understand, at times, why the idea is so foreign. This is not a foreign concept and it is now being accepted again after being feared for so long.

K: That is so interesting to me that there is such a nonchalant attitude with you about these things.

T: To add to the bias or the fear of such things would not be correct. It would only continue the misconceptions and misunderstandings of something that is very natural.

K: Understood.

T: Thank you.

K: Your death, apparently, wasn't expected. Did you die pretty quickly?

T: I did.

K: Your tomb was pretty small. Is that because of your quick passing?

T: There was hope that I would reign for many years. There was hope that I would restore as much as possible (to Egypt). It was not meant to be.

K: Were you at peace with your death or did you regret not being able to accomplish more?

T: My reign accomplished what was meant to be accomplished.

K: Do you think if you had ruled for a longer period of time that Egypt would have a different feel or look about it now?

T: No. I believe that my country has become what it needed to become and will become. It is ancient land with much energy that is being cleared to be cleansed and with that, it spreads to the people. They are wise. They are smart. They are advanced in many ways that is unfolding now. Egypt...its people, even if not visible on the surface, has much patience and perseverance and will continue in spirit just as much as heart, for you see that in the faces of its people and way of life. Ancient lands have much history and to grow into the future, this requires great change which is very promising in the near future of your times.

K: Wow. It's a very fascinating place. Right up there with Russia for me. There's just so much mystery about it and not in a bad way. It's like there's this energy that is very enlightening that is ready to be unleashed. It's like that area of the world is preparing for this huge wake up. There's an excitement and a thrill there.

T: (Smiles. He likes that.) Exactly. Thank you Kimberly. Thank you very much for understanding that. There is a feeling of great anticipation and it will happen. The timing is divine as well as the people's. As with everything, these two must come together to work in cooperation and not in conflict.

K: Exactly. Wise words your majesty.

T: (grins) Thank you.

K: I really appreciate your thoughts. I mean, there's so much that could be talked about but you're like...this face of Egypt even though your rule wasn't a long one. Thank you for leaving the evidence to uncover such a fascinating way of life.

T: I thank those, that have uncovered much, for their persistence and their devotion to our history as I was devoted to mine. I am very proud to be the example of that now. It is a great honor to be in that position in your world today. Thank you.

K: Amazing. You're amazing. I learned a lot.

T: Take care, Kimberly. Be well.

K: You too.

Footnote: While I was editing for spelling he was very excited about me sharing this and he thanks you for reading it. Just thought you needed to know. He's also very curious about my little computer and likes to see how it works. He's over my shoulder and being a backseat typer. Too funny.

Conversations with Paul Walker – Labels

March 12, 2017

Labels. Something that we title ourselves with especially when we feel we've screwed up or we begin to compare ourselves with others. Well, here's what my good buddy, Paul, has to say. The beginning is only clarifying something. A quick chat about Spirit hanging out. So here's a small 2 for 1.

P: Ready?

K: Ready.

P: Cool. There's something I gotta address though before we get going here.

K: I know. You've told me already and I'm already cringing.

P: I'll be real polite.

K: You always are.

P: If there are people that don't want to have contact with certain spirits and they've told these spirits that they're not interested than we're not hanging around.

K: So, if there is someone that has the idea or feeling that someone is hanging around but they're not but these people still feel as if they are...then who is it?

P: I can't speak for everyone, right? I can only speak for me. I know...like I really know when someone just isn't up for a visit and so I won't stay. I have to feel it from them (gesturing with hands) before I get the go ahead to be around. It's really easy for Spirit to know who's looking for some company or some reassurance or just some comfort. If the feeling isn't there, it's like this really dense wall and even if we stick around for a little longer, it's really hard for us to get through, right?

K: Yeah. I understand that.

P: So, that's my bit. There's this idea that we willingly hang out and harass people and really, that's not true. I mean, if we have a relationship or we've established this connection with someone, than yeah. Speaking for me, I'll come in and visit or tease or just hang out for a while, you know? But if there's an obvious block...I can take a hint.

K: Yup. But I also think that people need to understand that this doesn't come from a place of offence or...I don't know. Some sort of feeling of being pissed off because someone's ignoring you.

P: No. No way. It comes from a place of complete understanding and being cool with the fact that not everyone is going to be comfortable with a presence and that's okay. It's totally okay. But it's through stuff like this, like what we do (Paul and I's chats) or what a lot of other mediums and channelers do. They break the ice with these...ideas is such a crap word to use but it's sharing these thoughts that yeah, energy exists and it continues and we can come in and out and just be with people and it's okay but we don't just stick around and make problems for people. At least I don't. I know a lot of the people that we've talked to or that you've talked to are really respectful and they stick around because there's this exchange of energy. There's this exchange of love and ideas. There's a trust there. It's like what we were talking about with relationships in regards to those with Spirit. It's meant to be easy. Sure, there's some bumps in the road but those bumps don't necessarily come from us. It's the hang ups or the lack of belief with those that...I think there's desperation involved sometimes which kind of cuts off that integral link.

K: Yeah. And I mean, when you first start this, there's all sorts of things that go off in the brain and people kind of neglect how they feel inside and neglect to use that discernment or automatically believe one thing when it could be completely different. Do you think Spirit tries to coach people in a way. Maybe through signs or whispers or nudges or whatever it may be.

P: There's nudges. There's signs. There's synchronicities. Absolutely. There's playful teasing. There's a strong push here and there but if it's not taken...I mean, there's no begging on my end.

K: I could totally tease you right now but I won't because I think this is a good thing to put out there and maybe I'm not the best one to put it out there but I will seeing as how we're having this conversation. Anything else you'd like to add on that?

P: (clasps hands and shakes head) I think I'm good. Oh, yeah...that's not for here. I'll say that later.

K: Something you've already said?

P: Just things to expand upon. But yeah. I've already talked to you about it.

K: Cool.

P: Cool.

K: So we spoke the other day through the Spirit Board and you wanted to talk about labeling. Do you want to do that now? This is going on the Youth Page.

P: Yeah. That's great. Labels.

K: How would you define labeling?

P: I would define it as....(Rubbing hands together in thought then sits back in the chair.) I would define it as pigeon-holing yourself into one category.

K: Okay but there's more to it than that. I call myself a female because I'm female. I'm labelled as such.

P: Oh man. (Grinning) God give me strength.

K: Yeah. I hope God does because this is the YOUTH page.

P: Okay okay. Let's talk about...the way a person talks about themselves right? Especially when they're in the center of whatever emotional storm they're in. They label themselves in that to continue to live in that when, if they just detached themselves from the situation, they wouldn't have to live in that or identify themselves with it and it will pass a hell of a lot quicker than if they just gave into the idea that they were stuck.

K: I don't think we're talking about one word labelling here.

P: It can be. Okay...so this kid studied really hard for a test right? And then they get it back, after putting all they got into it, and they realize that the only mark they could get was a C and so mentally, after the shock of that, they label themselves stupid and they live in that because of how hard they worked (slaps a hand on top of a hand to make a point) and that's the best they can do. Instead of exploring what happened or reaching out to understand, better, what happened or what didn't jive right? They live in 'stupid'. How's that going to go?

K: I think the urge to continue to work hard would be blown to bits.

P: Right. It would because it's disheartening.

K: Totally!

P: But they're not stupid. If the kid just went to the teacher and asked, Hey, what gives? I busted my butt for a C. Then there's this open dialogue and the teacher sees where the kid is going and BAM! Kid's got dyslexia or something. Don't label yourself and live in that. There's always options of finding out more.

K: Do you think that people don't want to investigate more because there's this thought or idea that there's no point to it?

P: Sure but there is a point. It could be that you do something different than another or you don't have the strengths learning that way (leans his body one way) but you can get stuff done if you do things this way. (leans the opposite way)

K: Give another example.

P: Okay....(thinking then claps and points to me when he gets one.) Sizes. Girls and their sizes. Right.

K: God give me strength.

P: Hear me out. Okay, so group of girls do their whole shopping thing right? And the group of them go into this store and they all take a size...I don't know. What size do young girls take?

K: Who knows. Ireland's 10 and she's a ladies size 00.

P: Not a great example.

K: Okay. Size 5. They're all a size 5.

P: Sure. Whatever. Okay so they all take size 5 jeans and try them on and they're all so happy because they look good and whatever girls think but there's one (holds up a finger) that the jeans don't fit. She looks great. She's just maybe a little taller or a little more...you know... (He's motioning as more physically mature)

K: I get the hint.

P: So she labels herself as 'fat' and that's it. Shopping's done. They go for fries and she has an apple and now, because she's labeled herself as fat, because she's comparing herself to others...she lives in that.

K: Yes.

P: But if she went to another store the clothes are different and the size 5 might be too big. Sizes are so stupid. But there you go. Don't directly go to this thought or idea that you are something just because something happened TO you. It's not true. There's other things that tie into inevitability.

K: Slow down with the big words.

P: Can't slow down now. I'm just warming up.

K: Okay. So then what's the difference of labeling something 'bad' than 'good'.

P: If you label yourself as something really cool like...I kicked ass in my workout. I'm superman...(shakes his head chuckling) if you label yourself something cool, there's an automatic need to continue down those paths which only create more paths. It's like the world is at your feet.

K: Yes.

P: But if you label yourself with words that don't make you feel so great, it just blocks that free flow. Those words just enable a person to stay in that low place and it's not easy to come out of that. Especially when the labels are really created from a place that's a norm or a thought based on what society sees or whatever you want to call it.

K: Affirmations are kind of like labels sometimes.

P: Yeah.

K: And I think affirmations can stir up the ego a little bit too.

P: Sure. Depends on what part of you you're using and really, when you're going to use affirmations, you have to believe it about yourself. How easy is it to believe something that lacks within yourself that to believe how great you are?

K: Why is that easier?

P: Because people are taught to think that they don't have a right to say great stuff to themselves because it's selfish or it's being full of yourself or it lacks integrity and you're just putting on a show to get attention. Those labels...that's not truth. If you're going to put a label on yourself, make it worth it.

K: So I label myself as a writer.

P: Because you are but pick a label that has to do with you, personally.

K: Hhhmmm. Honesty.

P: Is there anything else but.

K: Let me think...okay. If I were to have a label that I have a tough time coming out of it would be that I'm insecure.

P: Yeah.

K: But I don't live in that.

P: Not always but when you're not in the greatest of moods then what do you do? You look for validation from others. You look at other people to bring that to you instead of doing it yourself, right?

K: Yeah.

P: But it happens less and less. And I think it happens less and less and this goes for everyone, because you honor yourself as is. As is. It's a cool idea. As is. No fix up required because I Am As Is.

K: And everything about us is okay. You're putting evolving in my head.

P: As Is is always changing right? But if you continuously label what that is and live in that...you'll need to play a little catch up. And I think that's why, you know, look into why you've put a name on it instead of looking for...seriously looking for assistance or help to come out of those thought processes. Labeling as one thing can make a person really cut off from the world right? It can be incredibly lonely.

K: Agreed. Absolutely because if you're looking for someone else to fill every need for you or whatever it is... it can be really disheartening.

P: It can.

K: There was a time where you thought...I think it was during the beginning of the first responders thing where you thought it may not work out or something.

P: Yeah. I had those moments quite a bit. (chuckles) and it was like...Ah well. I tried not to dwell. Things have a tendency to come in different and really awesome ways when someone learns to let go of some preconceived outcome.

K: Being open to accepting in any way or form.

P: It's a good place to be. It's less confined.

K: Totally. I feel really settled right now.

P: Good chat.

K: Anything else in regards to anything else?

P: I'm good. You?

K: Nope. I actually got lots going on but I did want to have a chat with you today.

P: Glad I could provide.

K: As always.

P: I think there needs to be a discussion on letting go or something. Detaching. We'll do that another time though.

K: Cool beans.

P: Beans aren't cool unless in something really good like a burrito to something.

K: Mmmmm. Burrito. Love those!

P: I know.

K: Have you had the ones from...I think it's Tasty Burrito or something?

P: Are you kidding. I lived in California Kim. You go for the authentic. You go for the real.

K: My bad. I live in the chill of the north.

P: Too bad. I think you have to move.

K: Uh. Not now and not there. Mucho Burrito!

P: (laughing)

K: So yum.

P: I'll take your word for it and by the way, Kim. A burrito requires meat.

K: Not mine.

P: Obviously. See ya Kim. Love Ya.

K: Love ya back.

Conversations with Heath Ledger

March 13, 2017

Have you ever had those moments where you just want to be in a pub and talk to someone really interesting but even if it's heavy topics, the energy around it is very light? Heath was like that. Very easy going and pretty okay with the intensity that he was when here on Earth. I got the distinct feeling that he was a perfectionist but he wasn't always that way. It became more and more that way with time. Here is my quick chat with Mr. Heath Ledger...

K: I thought I saw you hanging around.

H: (smiles) I was that obvious was I?

K: Well, yeah. Kinda. How's things? Nice to meet you.

H: Things are good. Nice to meet you.

K: You've done these things before. I read one that you did for Channeling Erik which was cool. Do you do these a lot?

H: Do you mean to ask do I come here often?

K: Well...not to me but to anyone?

H: (shrugs) Sure. It's a treat, sometimes, to get to chat a little or keep company with people. It's cool.

K: Cool. Well, since you've already done these things I'm not really going to go into the whole history of your death or anything like that. I mean it might come up.

H: And it might not but it's all good. I've had many people ask if I'm one of those tortured souls who regret or if I wish things hadn't gone quite so south and for a moment, when I did cross over to where I am now, there were those kind of things that quickly came in and out. Like everything new or everything that has to be re-learned, there's a curve to it and it's a quick one and you can't really hold onto those as regrets. Eventually in a blink of an eye you really understand the meaning of experience and what that kind of allows you to understand in a way. It's very cool how this whole process works.

K: I have had a lot of questions from myself and those around me about what's out there after you're done here and I think this comes up to...maybe subdue a little anxiousness or fear that what you're living is it, right. And you push yourself to have all these experiences maybe a little too much. I don't know. I think there's a wonder about second chances.

H: Second third fourth. I mean, it's all logistics isn't it. I mean, if you didn't get to have the experiences you wanted in that life than you can do that here and experience things here or you can return...not necessary to earth but you can return to a physical being and experience those things in different situations. It's all really an open book. Nothing closes completely and why would you want it to.

K: I liked the reminder from the movie A Knight's Tale. I think that it says a lot. Just those lines that it is possible to change the course of experience. I think that you just have to be an active participant in all ways to be able to do that.

H: Absolutely and there's a fine line where it's pushing or just enjoying it. I pushed myself a little too hard to be this best actor or this best father or this best...person. I felt I needed to live up to something that was completely my doing. My mental state just had me pushing for more and more until I just burnt out but I didn't want to burn out, right. I just wanted to prove more of myself to myself believing that I was proving myself to an industry or to my family or to my friends. I lived to be the ultimate dad...(smiles). I wanted to be everything to everyone and I neglected my health in doing so.

K: Did you know you were neglecting your health that badly?

H: I knew...to an extent. I did know but I didn't think that I was intentionally doing so much harm to my physical...person. (he's squeezing his forearm to indicate his physical body) I deluded myself into thinking that I was actually helping it by taking whatever I could to keep it going. To be the best.

K: Who started the pressure of that? Was it always you?

H: Yeah. It was always me. After Brokeback I really felt things speed up and the managing of that and trying to keep that up...it was important to me that I didn't give any indication that I was slipping. I mean, Michelle knew. She knew me so well but I pushed that away because I couldn't see it. Matti (Sounds like Maddi. Not sure of the spelling.)...Matilda would always see me as I wanted to present myself. I never wanted her to see that I faltered or that I struggled and I guess you could say that I was even using method acting in my real life as Heath.

K: You were one to watch though. One of those rising stars. Kind of like Anton in a way.

H: Oh, he's fantastic. Really truly the best. He's the real deal. Actually, he brought me here. Thought we could have a talk about some cool things. Says you're not worried about asking the questions.

K: Well, I'm not really. I just kind of ask them.

H: And that's a good thing because whoever does these types of things needs to be able to get the truth right. Because the whole purpose of these is so people can learn and maybe experience a little bit that not everyone's this perfect human even if the screens or the cameras project that to you. There's always going to be those vulnerable moments that people aren't used to feeling and because they aren't used to feeling naked in front of the world, they choose to get help in the form of substances or escape tendencies.

K: Did you have escape tendencies?

H: I did. I really did.

K: Your performance in Brokeback Mountain was...can we just talk about that. May I swear?

H: Oh. Please. I endorse these types of things.

K: Your performance in Brokeback was so fucking unbelievable and how amazingly courageous to do that. To be a part of something so eye opening and so...just making people see that it did exist even before we began these conversations. That same sex love was real and was very intense but had to be hidden away. I mean, were you aware of the scope of that movie and what you represented to so many people that felt they had to hide away relationships or who they really were in regards to their sexuality or whatever it is. I mean, you played a gay man. But it could define so many situations in real life. Was that a pressure for you?

H: Was it a pressure for me? Oh yeah. I mean...Jake. Look at him. He's gorgeous.

Both of us are laughing.

H: The pressure to even kiss a man like that is kind of mind blowing isn't it?

K: Well, I guess I just have to take your word for it.

H: In all honesty though, there was a pressure...for both of us to present that as authentically as possible so it was taken seriously because it was a serious issue. Ang (Lee) was very adamant that it be true to the story because it had to be. It had to be this risky situation...kind of full of a sense of anxiety but passion because this is who you were and you couldn't hide that with someone the same and with all that built up for these characters over a life time...it had to have that effect of explosive passion. There was pressure to do that right. To me it was very important and I expressed as much to Ang and I expressed as much to Jake and they felt the same way. We were full of nerves and we were full of...we were very anxious. When it came down to it though we knew what was important and we went for it. You just kind of have to dive in and know that you're presenting this for many people and to bring an awareness on behalf of many people.

K: So the movie wasn't just a creative project for you?

H: Not that one. In terms of creativity it did challenge me. It really was a big challenge and I think we pulled it off.

K: I think you did too.

H: Then, after that, I think that's when I put the most pressure on myself to really experience those characters and live them as I was. I would drop me as Heath and become those characters to really bring them to life.

K: I can really feel how important that was to you. I really do. Do you think all actors have this need to...would birth be the right word? Birth a character through them. It kind of would be like channeling in a way, no?

H: I suppose it would be sort of like that.

K: Be honest with me Heath. Did playing the Joker kind of...frig you up a little bit?

H: I thought swearing was aloud?

K: Well, I say frig a lot...okay. Did playing the Joker fuck you up a lot?

H: By then I was kind of fucked up already but I can see what you mean.

K: Yeah. You put a stamp on that character that I don't think anyone else can top.

H: I was very proud that I got the chance to do that character and the movie was darker. I wanted to keep that (darkness) there and I used that in the Joker as a catalyst. I read the comics. They have become darker than what they used to be. It intrigued me that if an artist could create in that way than as an artist myself, I could act that way for a time.

K: Looking at that part of your life, how important was grounding? I mean, you may have lost a little bit of Heath for a while playing that part.

H: I absolutely did with no regrets. I came to a point in my career where if I was to act (his hands are in a prayer position and he's pointing straight ahead like he's gesturing to himself as an actor) than I would have to be authentic in that so it wasn't laughable. I think one of my fears was to be labeled as a joke. That I couldn't be taken seriously in whatever project I did. I used my part in Brokeback to kind of prove my chops you know?

K: Did you know that role was kind of a big career step?

H: Because it wasn't of the ordinary role...yeah. Ang kind of warned us about that big scene and the fall out of those on screen relationships and he wanted that realism. I took that as a huge opportunity even though I was nervous as hell to do it.

K: Were you on medications at that time?

H: Yes. I began to use some prescriptions at that time.

K: Did anyone know?

H: Yes. There were a couple people that knew but I insisted that it was doctor related and stuff and it was. At that time it was.

K: So was it because of the pressure you put on yourself, like you said earlier.

H: It was all me.

K: Wow. Would you have admitted to that when alive?

H: Nope. I wouldn't. I did, to a select few but I wouldn't admit that to the public.

K: Was there a call for help?

H: Umm...no. I admitted but I believed that I had things under control.

K: Is that an addict thing?

H: (grins) Yeah. Yeah. It's an addict thing.

K: Let's talk about A Knight's Tale. Just because I saw that and it was a really great movie. Very funny and you got some good friends out of it. Didn't you star in a couple movies together?

H: We did. Yeah. We did. They're really good people. I really enjoyed them.

K: Did you always continue to stay in contact?

H: It fizzled a little at the end but yeah. There was always those check-ins.

K: When you portrayed that Irish...Ned Kelly. Great cast.

H: It was.

K: What did you like about it?

H: I found it fascinating. A modern day...I guess if you could call it that...a modern day Robin Hood of sorts.

K: Did you find the character pretty cocky or did you find that deep down he really gave a shit and wanted to make his 'group' the good and the law the bad.

H: I mean, it was that. He was that man. He felt like the law really took advantage and he wanted them to pay and they did. He made them look like fools for a while. I think he got a little sloppy with it. There's only so far you can go with things like that. I think it showed Ned what family really was. What friendship really was. For people to die for a cause that you started is very humbling. And I think he lived out the rest of his days knowing that and understanding that and I think it was important for him to understand that it wasn't always just about him and his payback but there were other lives involved and I think that in those final moments he really really knew that.

K: So to you was he a Robin Hood or was he just a convict on the run?

H: I think he had heart. I think his Spirit was one of love even if at times it was very misplaced.

K: Have you seen him?

H: I've met him. Yes.

K: Did you want to know what he thought of your portrayal of him? He's here isn't he?

H: (grins) He is.

I just felt another energy come in.

K: He liked it.

H: He thought it was okay. (Being nonchalant on purpose.)

K: I don't get the impression that he thought it (his past) would be as talked about as it still is today. Kind of like a Billy the Kid.

H: No. He didn't. But I did get the thumbs up and it was a really great feeling. I think on both our parts because he wasn't expecting any movie when he was in that place in his life and I wasn't expecting to be able to see what he thought of it. (chuckling) How things work...

K: No kidding. Wow. What are your thoughts on method acting and...I guess there are those that think that it goes too far. Like Christian Bale in the Machinist. I mean...holy shit right?

H: Oh yeah. Oh for sure. Yeah.

K: Or Tom Hanks in that one about being...Cast Away.

H: On one hand you want to do a good job as an actor because you don't want to insult anyone's memory or you don't want to insult anyone's creativity. On the other, it can strip you. Unless you're grounded in who you are, it can kind of rob you of something of yourself for a little bit and you get this...it takes you a little bit to recover from that and you do. I think roles that are continuously heavy in nature and dramatic...back to back is weary because you're living as that character with all their pros and cons.

K: Robin (Williams) talked about the shadow side...

H: Yes.

K: And he was saying that he did comedy comedy comedy but ignored that shadow side because everyone wanted him to do comedy and when he began to explore darker roles to really explore that side of him it made people question him a little. Do you think that you had enough balance with those darker roles and the lighter ones?

H: No. You could say the more dramatic or the more thought provoking or the more intense...the more addicted I became. It was the challenge. I wondered how much more I could do; how deeper could I get myself to go.

K: Then acting would become...it would encompass the whole of that spectrum. Like mind body and soul?

H: I'd agree with that. Yeah. Absolutely.

K: Do you think that was always necessary?

H: (grins) Probably not.

K: Yeah. Probably not. Did you learn about your own frailties doing the method acting and the movies that you did?

H: I learned, from here, that the human being is...we're not fragile but we can easily give into what we believe we lack and either dwell or we can push so hard to come out of those that we neglect what's really important. Is that frailties? Maybe. Is that thinking that we are fragile and maybe that is the right word? Maybe. I don't consider a mind fragile. I think that if we continue to ground ourselves in our own truth, even if we have to take on another's for a time being, I think that's strength...strength of character and I wasn't perfect at that. Obviously.

K: With the prescriptions...was acting escaping as well? Was the intensity of the creativity that you put into your work escaping something of you?

H: Sure. I was escaping...maybe a sense of failing? Maybe a sense of not bringing my best to my work. It doesn't matter the career. Everybody has those moments. Some don't last as long. Some last forever. Some turn into PTSD. Some require help even if a person thinks they can handle everything. At some point there has to be a time out to catch your breath and come back to the person that is You.

K: Could you have done that a little more?

H: I did on the occasion that I had my little girl. That was the most of Heath I was. She brought that out in me and she is me. Just look at her. She's the perfect mini-me. I couldn't be more proud of that creation.

K: That's awesome. She is. She's gorgeous.

H: Thank you.

K: Anything else you'd like to add?

H: You've got quite the group haven't you?

K: Group?

H: Regulars?

K: Oh sure. Everyone's great.

H: Well, I just may have to interrupt at times.

K: That'd be awesome.

H: Good then.

K: Excellent. Thanks Heath. See you later.

H: You will. Take care Kim. Thanks for this.

K: You're awesome.

H: (kind of shakes out the collar of his shirt) You think so? (winks) See you.

K: Bye.

Conversations with Paul Walker – Letting Go

March 20, 2018

Short and sweet today. Sweet because it's Paul. Short because I'm all over the place with the brain. Monkey brain day.

P: What's up Kim. How's things?

K: You always start with that.

P: How else am I supposed to start? Aren't all conversations between two people supposed to begin with a greeting?

K: Yes. They are. How are you doing this fine first day of spring?

P: Well, I gotta say... (rubbing his hands down his jean clad thighs) when the hell is it gonna warm up for you guys?

K: Rub it in.

P: Man...I couldn't imagine having to do months of that. That's not for me.

K: Me neither but I deal.

P: I think you're hanging on to some sort of string that's quickly fraying.

K: In regards to what?

P: Patience with Mother Nature.

K: You know me so well.

P: A little bit.

K: Leanne wanted you to talk a bit about letting go. Want to do that now?

P: Hey, about Leanne, I owe her a shout out.

K: I wasn't going to say anything but you know...she's been a pretty cool supporter. I didn't want to make you seem rude or anything for not giving her one.

P: Guilt doesn't work with me Kim. Save it.

K: Okay. Fine. No guilt.

P: Shout out to Leanne! Hi Leanne! I'm comin' for you! (chuckles)

K: Thanks. Thanks for that. She'll either be excited or watching behind her shoulder.

P: Probably both. A mix of the in between.

I just hear laughing.

K: Why are you laughing?

P: Because I like her kind of parties.

K: Okay! Sssshhhh. Nope. Done.

P: (still laughing) Okay. Done. Sorry. I'm doin' it on purpose.

K: I know you are. Oh, and by the way, eavesdropping again?

P: No. More like reading behind your shoulder.

K: Backseat reader.

P: (sighs) Okay. (scratches his nose) Letting go.

K: I think that letting go can be easy. But then you think that you've done all this letting go and one morning you get up and it's creeping up again and making a person miserable. Usually the things that need to be let go of are things from the past or relationships from the past that we still long for or that have affected us in some way that makes us feel bad or lonely or what have you.

P: Then you haven't really let go have you?

K: Continue.

P: Yes ma'am.

K: Seriously though. I think that the more we clear or the more we cut or the more we try and forget or forgive there's always those little annoying reminders from time to time. So is that because we haven't fully let go?

P: Not always. I think that those reminders are there just to see how far you've come. It's up to the individual to decide to hold onto those out of emotional obligation or not, right?

K: What if a person doesn't feel like they have a choice? That it's coming back for yet another clearing?

P: But then you have...wrong idea isn't the phrase I'm looking for but change the way you look at it.

K: How so? Abusive past and the person is comes back in say via an email or a phone call or pic on Facebook looking like they're having the time of their lives while seemingly forgetting all the hurt that they've caused you?

P: One person of the team hasn't fully forgiven then.

K: Obviously not.

P: Look. The past...it's going to come up. It's gonna happen but with the amount life changes, there's going to be a change in the way it's looked at and if not, why? Why are you remembering or letting it affect you like it used to? Did you really forgive? Did you really grow from that or did you just sweep it under the rug hoping that it wouldn't come back to bite you in the ass? Right?

K: Something like that?

P: If a person is being so affected by seeing a picture on Facebook or wherever and doesn't understand how that person can get on with their life and you can't, then it was just swept under the rug and forgiveness has to be worked on. It's not about forgetting. Things can easily be forgotten but it's the forgiveness that's going to allow a person to let go of either the memory or the hurt that's still there but hasn't been healed. Forgiveness will be that closure.

K: Yes.

P: People change. It's the ones that haven't even tried to...I guess forgive whatever it is that they need to forgive...they can't identify with that. It's a hard place to be in because it really takes guts to look at yourself and say, 'Why can't I let this go?' 'Why do they still piss me off?' 'Why can't I be happy too?' I think that most times it's pretty momentary though. For most, it's the pits for a couple days or weeks but there's always gonna be something that swoops in to make you feel better.

K: Is letting go contingent on forgiveness?

P: It's a big one, Kim.

K: There's this saying that to forgive doesn't necessarily mean that you need to have the people back in your life...

P: No. It doesn't. It just kind of sets you free from being bogged down by all those crappy feelings that one gets when they dwell.

K: Yeah.

P: I mean, if a person is willing to forgive than it's not just the person or the situation that is getting the forgiveness. It's all the people involved in that. (Creating a circle with his finger pointing down) so if a person is just thinking that to forgive another is just about that one person, think again. It has an effect on everyone involved in that situation. People can breathe easier around someone who has or is willing to forgive than a person who's just holding onto resentment and continues to talk about it and bring everyone down.

K: I see that in a lot of places.

P: Of course. It's like this huge learning curve for a lot of people and letting go or forgiveness doesn't happen overnight. People give themselves a hard time because if something happens, they can't find forgiveness right away. No man. It's something that needs to be worked through. It takes time. It takes some hard understanding on all parts just to really know what happened.

K: Communicating that sometimes isn't possible.

P: No. It's not always cool to be in the same room with someone that's hurt you or that's played a hand in creating a lot of difficulties in your life. But there are ways around that and it ultimately starts with having the conversation with you. Really, I mean, look at it from where you stand and ask yourself am I really ready to keep holding onto this or am I ready to set it free. Then make that decision for yourself. Take care of you first and the rest will follow.

I'm just noticing he's bouncing his knee.

K: Got someplace to be there Paul?

P: No.

K: Got some nervous energy?

P: I'm good.

K: I forgot where I was.

P: Simply put, letting go and forgiveness kind of go hand in hand.

K: I was thinking about, like, neutrality.

P: Yeah.

K: Going into situations where...I don't want to say without expectations but going to people or into situations thinking bad or good kind of creates that right?

P: Absolutely it does.

K: So if there was a...I don't know how to ask this. I'm having trouble forming words today. Is that because of you? Do you need to pull back a little?

P: Yeah. I'll pull back. I get what you're saying though. It's like going into something without thinking 'oh this is gonna be so cool' and then it's the biggest let down because you had these huge expectations or walking into a place like this sucks and you create that. But it didn't suck. What sucked was your attitude to begin with so it didn't work out and it could've if you just went in there with the thought that whatever happens happens. It's not playing dumb. It's not playing ignorant. It's just allowing things to unravel how they're supposed to.

K: And in regards to letting go?

P: It's a hell of a lot easier because there's not this expectation either way. It just is. My advice...don't label anything before experiencing it and even then don't label it.

K: Us and our labels.

P: Hey. I'm just as guilty.

K: Oh yeah?

P: Yeah. I had expectations. I went in thinking it was gonna suck or that it was gonna be so sick (I'm assuming he means cool) and it didn't pan out that way at all. I mean, it's not hard to do to put yourself in that place of expectation. Letting go also means letting go of the thoughts and emotions in regards to something that could happen right? Just keep it neutral.

K: How's the new movie? Thoughts? How were your expectations with that? I don't even know if it's out yet.

P: That...I take pride in that. How they all pulled together and made that happen. Man...(feeling choked up) I'm really proud of that. I'm really blown away. In my own way, I was happy to be a part of that with them. I drove the cars with them. I acted the scenes with them. I was there for them. I am there for them. That's my family. It was a big part of me and still is. I'm super proud.

K: I can feel that. I really feel that.

P: I had a vision. We had a vision for that franchise. They had a choice. They could've left it out of some sort of misplaced respect but they continued. (rubbing his bottom lip with his finger) It's amazing what coming together and working towards a common goal can do. Even in regards to tragedy...it can be really healing. I think it was for them.

K: Wow. You...just radiate love and admiration right now.

P: Because it's what I have.

K: What about expectation on what a person should or shouldn't be doing or letting go of the expectations we put on ourselves every single day based on...

P: Based on what? Where do they start in the first place?

K: Could be on the assumption of others?

P: Yeah. What else?

K: Fitting in?

P: Oh man. You're speaking my language. Bingo Kim. Fitting in. Fitting into what?

K: Assumptions based on others?

P: Funny that you should mention that.

K: This could be over now you know.

P: We'll talk later.

K: Yes. We will talk later.

P: Okay so you're unemployed right, and you got paid out or you sitting okay and things aren't destitute but you're really pushing the whole gotta do gotta be gotta...whatever it is. That's still expectation. What if you looked at it from a point of view that maybe you were handed an opportunity to step out of that box that you've been working in to just try something brand new.

K: But what if a person doesn't know what that is?

P: It's usually because they have this assumption that people are looking in on their life and tapping their watch (tapping his watch) saying anytime now.

K: So let go of the pressure you put on yourself based on assuming someone's getting frustrated with you just taking a break?

P: Yeah or that you have to be doing something. It's society right? You have to be doing something to amount to anything worthwhile or substantial. I get that. Been there. But here's the thing. How are you going to amount to anything substantial when you don't even know what you're substantial is?

K: But in this day and age, people need work and they'll do whatever they can to be able to support their families or their lifestyles.

P: I get that. It's hard times right now but...I'm talking about the ones where there's no rush. Let go of the expectation that you assume is there because it's just yours. Sure, there's envy. Maybe a little jealousy from others that think why are they so lucky. They don't do anything. If someone's feeding into that, than they're just absorbing that. It's not theirs. Let go. You know what you need to do and you know how to get there. Just allow it. Time limits...preconceived idea because of the assumption that someone always has to be doing something. That's not always true.

K: People could read this and think that you're giving them permission to be lazy.

P: It's catch up time. It's breathing time. It's being you time. It's not having to put a face to the world that has never been you. It's an opportunity. In these situations, there's no race. And really, for anyone, if you let go of expectation and that holy shit I just got fired and I need a job right away...that's panic and it's going to be harder. I know I know. It's easier said than done. I can hear the comments now.

K: Well, it's just ingrained right?

P: Yeah. There's something to be said about remaining calm in those situations.

K: How much of this do you know now as a Spirit and how much did you practice when alive?

P: (grins) I know a hell of a lot more now than I did then.

K: But it's all happening now, right?

P: It's all now.

K: That's wild.

P: Pretty cool. It's a pretty cool place to be in. It's not without some sacrifice though.

K: Is it really?

P: In that human mindset, yeah.

K: Anything else on letting go?

P: I think we need to have a talk on forgiveness. Bring Simon it or something. It's a hard topic.

K: Yet so simple right?

P: (smirks) Not really. There's ego involved. I may need back up.

K: I'll see when I can get to that one.

P: Scattered much?

K: I'm pretty scattered today. I blame you.

P: I'm always blamed for something. One thing or another.

K: And you take it on the chin. You're so good.

P: Because I know better.

K: Better or more?

P: Both.

K: Sounds about right. Okay. I gotta go. Too much on the brain today.

P: Cool. See you soon. Bye Leanne!

K: Bye Leanne. Bye Paul.

Kisses his fingers and offers them.

P: See ya, Kim. Take care.

K: Later.

Conversations with Robin Williams – Sarcastic Humor

April 10, 2017

If I had to write every time I laughed or rolled my eyes this would be a long one and I try to keep the youth chats short. You know, attention span stuff. I've talked with Robin before and he's always great company. His energy is really strong. While he was coming in, my ears and my forehead to the back of my head (third eye stuff) were experiencing this intense pressure and his voice was unmistakable. He came in looking like this picture without the glasses. He wore a beard. Very casual and relaxed. Today he's talking sarcasm. I think I may have to read this one a few times. I'm the queen of it. Here is Robin Williams.

K: Good Morning Robin.

R: Good Morning, Kimberly. It's been a long time no see. Long time no talky. What's up? How's life?

K: Life has been interesting.

R: It has, has it? Well, at least there's that. Interest. Interest keeps things very interesting unless it's a way to describe a living hell, well...that's interesting too. But enough about hell. We could talk about that all day as some sort of state of awareness but not an actual place.

K: That's the rumor.

R: That is a rumor.

K: You were speaking with me on my walk about humor and who better to do that than you.

R: You really know how to give the compliments.

K: And that is sarcasm.

R: And so it begins because the lady can take a hint. I, dear ladies and gentleman would like to present the ever present conundrum of sarcasm vs. humor because one is used more than the other as a means of avoidance. (Talking like he's presenting a case in a courtroom.)

K: Why do I feel as if I'm in a jury box?

R: I may have come off a little strong but yeah. I mean using sarcasm is just a person using some sort of humor to avoid a situation that they don't like or to avoid honest communication with someone they don't like. You see it a lot in those ages you know (Starting to talk like a high school Valley Girl.) Look at her hair. Did you see what she was wearing today? OMG. I can't believe he told me that.

K: Well that's not really sarcasm. That's just the way they talk.

R: I'm trying to create a mood and, by the way, it's the beginning of the end.

K: I can see it. There's a lot of eye rolling.

R: Hey, high school...it's the norm.

K: So you feel that sarcasm is humor that is avoidance.

R: If someone is trying to be funny why use another person or situation as a scapegoat to how you really feel. Humor doesn't need to be there to put someone down, even the one that's telling the joke. Using yourself as the butt of a joke laced in passive aggressive tendencies is no good for anyone.

Opens a bottle of wine and begins to poor. It comes out of nowhere.

K: It's 4:30 in the morning.

R: So call it a mimosa. (pours a glass and sniffs) Such a delight. The body is full of laughter with the aromas of sarcasm. The bouquet is one of such clever passive aggressive comments while it tastes of avoidance. Such a wonderful year. Would you have some?

K: I think people drink copious amounts of that vintage daily.

R: And why is that?

K: Because sometimes it's just easier to deal the sarcastic card instead of being truthful with how you're really feeling because it's not funny or lighthearted. Sometimes it can be downright shitty.

R: And there it is. But why allow that to intrude on humor and laughter that is only there to make people feel better and not worse.

K: I think that it's just so common that the jokes dripping in sarcasm are part of the human language now and people laugh because it's understood. I mean, not every sarcastic remark is about hidden pain or hidden feelings of being uncomfortable or dislike.

R: No, but the majority are but it is so ingrained in language that people don't recognize it anymore.

K: True. It's unrecognizable. I mean, laughter...it's really contagious when people get the joke.

R: Does it have to be contagious when using someone as the joke? And I'm not talking about teasing. I lived my life teasing people but there was a difference. It wasn't to hurt them. It wasn't to point out their flaws and throw it back in their face with a touch of indifference. If I was joking and using someone as my floorboard, they were usually there and I would use humor as a tool to interject some honesty in a way that wouldn't be taken as insulting but used to point out qualities that others would laugh with them and not at them. Do you see the difference?

K: Yes I do.

R: Sarcasm is used mostly behind people's back. Again, avoidance. Avoiding conversations that need to take place while using humor to make you feel good about it.

K: Do you think it's avoiding honest communication about what's bothering you about a person or a situation?

R: Absolutely I do.

K: How do we move on from that and begin to confront our own insecurities with people without making fun or using passive aggressiveness to...I guess ease that away?

R: It's never easy to confront or question or be honest with someone about topics that may seem uncomfortable for both. It's a decision to come out of hiding and really man up and project that person you are that you want others to see.

K: You did impressions of people a lot.

R: Yes.

K: Is that not pointing fun at someone?

R: Come on. You decide to be president you're gonna get the jokes. You decide to make yourself a public figure, you're gonna get the jokes. I never used it to call out shitty behavior. These people that I impersonated, I put myself in their shoes and tried out their personalities and their looks. My humor was to maintain a sense of feeling light and letting laughter take that throughout a person and into their day. If you laugh with someone, you can feel a difference in the laugh than when you're laughing at someone. If you're laughing at someone, it sometimes feels and sounds a little forced.

K: Would that be an indication of sarcasm or authentic humor? The way a laugh feels or sounds?

R: Absolutely. No doubt.

K: Were there times in your life where you hid behind sarcasm?

R: Oh yeah. Don't we all? I never pretended to be perfect. I had a lot that I hid about myself but when I was sarcastic, it was usually about my life and what I was going through and what I had difficulty facing about me but then, using sarcasm, I just projected that out to the world around me as a defense.

K: Sarcasm as defense tactic.

R: Some say it works really well. (holds up an antacid bottle) Says it includes calcium too. So you can avoid and have strong bones! Isn't that something. The world today.

K: How would one curb that urge to be sarcastic?

R: It's honesty vs dishonesty. It really depends on how honest you want to be with yourself and the world around you. Using humor is an excellent way to bring this sense of being carefree into your life. It's an awesome tool but there's a difference between having a good time and wallowing in your own discomfort at the expense of someone else. And usually, when you are being sarcastic, it's playing the game of unfairness because that person or that situation has no idea of your true feelings or intention and it's that passive aggressive knife in the back.

K: Some would say it has a boomerang affect.

R: That's gossip. Gossip usually happens between two people that can't be trusted and it's always going to come out. Maybe not right away but you sure are gonna piss yourself when it does because you had this idea that it was just between the two of you. Gossip doesn't just stop at two. It becomes two times two times four times ten. Figure that out. You'll need a calculator.

K: Yeah. Math isn't my best subject.

R: I lived my life wanting to take that heavy daily mundane stuff from people for a little bit. I found that laughter was contagious and wouldn't it be an awesome thing to be the cause of that. I also used it to cover up a lot of how I was feeling as well. My intention was never to use and abuse. I did that in other ways. My downfall...if that's the right word...was what I was avoiding with me. The humor that I shared was only to bring smiles to others that I wasn't feeling sometimes and, in turn, that granted me my happiness that I needed for me at that time.

K: That's a really cool way of looking at it and at honesty.

R: When I began to be honest about myself and the life that I was living, I found that I wanted...like we talked earlier, to explore those darker aspects for my personal benefit and if someone got something out of that then all the better. But my honesty and my integrity was always for me. It wasn't that I felt I needed to portray that for other people. I wanted to explore that for me. If I was constantly doing for someone else that which I needed to do for me then things could have potentially gone down that resentful sarcastic road.

K: Do you think sarcasm has resentment included in that?

R: Hell yes. (talking southern accent)

K: Resentment towards something?

R: Depends on how you use it. (makes a gun out of his fingers) The weapon of sarcastic remark. (shows the three fingers curled towards himself) Ultimately a suicide of the heart. Slow death.

K: Interesting how deep sarcasm can go.

R: Like I always say...

K: You always say?

R: Like I always say there's nothing like a shot of honesty that can get rid of the hangover of hidden resentment.

K: I could use one of those shots in my coffee this morning.

R: Everyone needs it as their daily multivitamin.

K: People may think that they need sarcastic humor as part of the way they laugh or get others to laugh. Without it...they may feel a little dull to people.

R: That's fine. Go ahead. There's no one telling you not to use sarcasm in your humor but it's really just a suggestion to ask yourself how you really feel. There's lots of ways to interject a funny ha ha without putting knives in other people's backs. There is no popularity quest that is worth stepping on the toes of other people to get where you want to go.

K: Poking fun at yourself because you are aware of your flaws?

R: Healing is a funny thing. It can take all forms and if you can be honest about what you feel you're not and where you lack...it's a sure sign you're willing to recognize that and heal it. But seriously...lack. If you feel you lack in some way it's only that you need to start counting yourself into the blessings of the day. (kneels to pray) I give thanks for my sense of humor about me because if I can't laugh at me I'm too serious.

K: Is that laughing at me or is that laughing at behaviors that I want to change?

R: It's never the person, Kimberly. It's always the behavior. You know that. And don't laugh at yourself. Laugh with yourself. There's a difference. When laughing with yourself, you're in a place that knows this is just a big game and there are always second chances. Laughing at yourself only negates your ability to rise above. Always with. Not at.

K: That makes a lot of sense. I always love when you come in.

R: Make sure laughter is easy and not forced. Forced and someone's gotta come out of hiding.

K: Got it.

R: I'm out. Gotta big day ahead of me. Lots to do. Lots to see. Lots of jokes. Apparently there's a new president that makes it a little too easy.

K: Do you think he's aware of his own passive aggressive tendencies?

R: (looks at me like I'm crazy) He's a president.

K: He's a business man.

R: Same thing. (shows me a puppet on his hand and talks to it like he's talking to two year old while walking away)

K: Bye Robin.

Puppet of Trump waves back.

Conversations with Pope John Paul II (Karol Jozef)

April 20, 2017

He admits that he could be harsh at times. He admits that he wasn't always liked. What he was very adamant about was that he worked on behalf of Jesus. He wasn't always agreed with, even by those in the church. He could be stubborn and unyielding but he held on to his personal truth and was steadfast in the change he wanted to see and contribute to. He suffered and he watched people suffer and through this, he understood what his mission was. Through his sacrifice he found joy. It wasn't an easy decision for him to enter into the priesthood which I was surprised about. Much of what he said was pretty unexpected because I had so many assumptions. Here is my conversation with Pope John Paul II

P: It is well with me that you have called upon me now but I have been calling you which you know.

K: I do know and thank you for calling on me. I know Simon has great respect for you.

P: As I do for him. It was a pleasure meeting him and being led to this...shall I call it an arena for the greatness of it is quite expansive.

K: Arena?

P: Where this takes place.

K: Oh, like these conversations?

P: Yes. You have only an idea about how greatness comes but for greatness to come it must enter into one such as great. If only humanity could see this for themselves.

K: Did you?

P: In me?

K: Yeah. Did you see greatness in yourself or was your papacy for the world?

P: You ask of me if I entered this personal endeavor out of a sense of pride or personal perfection or even ego.

K: Yeah. I'm sure in the many hundreds of years that there has been a pope, it wasn't always necessarily for the world or humanity. It was for power.

P: It was. Not even I can deny that and yet it wasn't only the position of pope where this happened. It was also in many of the cloth and it really didn't matter what religion you spoke of. Through the ages, there were men that wished (for) power and a say using the greatness of God as their podium. It is understood and I have acknowledged that. This is not old or new news. It has had its time in history and even continues today.

K: Yeah. It does.

P: So then, are we to discuss the church or are we to discuss the man...me as I lived as Pope.

K: Well the man of course but I think, for some, it's not easily separated because you were the face of the church (Catholic) for a very long time. I think that it's naivety that creates these upset feelings towards the church. I can safely say that I had no idea who you were besides being a pope. I didn't know the work you did and I based a lot of my assumptions about you according to my feelings on the church. I freely admit that.

P: And in your freedom of truth and honesty, I commend you for it. It is not always easy to be honest with another about what or who you assumed them to be.

K: Very true. It's very difficult sometimes but with those in Spirit, it's easier because I'm not head butting with another ego...I guess you could say.

P: Hhmm. Very well. There are reasons that I have visited you. It is because you are a trusted source.

K: There's lots of people that are trusted sources.

P: Yes. (nods in agreement) But you are at odds with how you feel about your youth and the information presented to you in the quiet of a church and where you are now. It is not cowardly to fight with one's heart. When there is fight, truth emerges. I understand, and for very good reason, that you did not resonate with that part of your life and at times, there was resentment. It is understood. But to be open to information that you were or are not aware of needs to be commended.

K: Thank you. I don't even know what to call you. Do you want to be called by Pope John or Karol?

P: My title has left me. I no longer require that. Those of humanity may need that but I am only Karol.

K: But you don't dismiss your greatness on earth.

P: Was I great?

K: Pretty darn fabulous...so I hear.

P: (laughs) I was told about you. Rasputin says that you ask the tough questions.

K: You've spoken with Rasputin?

P: He's quite the character. We enjoy speaking with each other. He's always fascinated me. Many have but his story was so profound even if lied about at times.

K: Do you think Rasputin did it to himself.

P: It could have gone two ways. You are aware of choice and he had his. To be so spiritual and so committed to the Lord...to God and yet live with the daemons that he did...it's an incredible story.

K: And I'm sure not the only one.

P: (slowly shakes head) No. It is not. He's only very interesting to share a conversation with.

K: Cool. I liked him. There is so much about your life so I think I'll try to get to most of it but that could take a while.

P: There's time. There is no rush when in the company of greatness for greatness continues for eternity.

K: You're very sweet and you are very...you bring a lot of peace with you.

P: Thank you. It is because I felt it.

K: Did you always have it or did you feel anger or frustration?

P: Of course I felt these things. I was pope to a world lost in chaos and a world that would not listen to reason.

K: But the reason of the church and the reason of humanity could differ.

P: It could. This is true. This is why it was my wish...my life's work to destroy the borders that kept us separate.

K: In regards to religious beliefs?

P: Yes.

K: I really respect that about you.

P: There was always something in common. The big common denominator was Christ. It was his love.

K: Not for the Jewish people. (as an example of different beliefs)

P: No. Not for them. But love still prevailed in that as well. It is not a religion of hate. Quite the opposite.

K: So what were you trying to achieve, then, with the different religions?

P: Unity.

K: So there would be one great big religion?

P: No. So we could all reach an understanding that one was no better than the other. That one equaled another even if the beliefs...differed. The base was the same. It was the little minute disagreements that kept it separate.

K: So to maintain the religions but have them come to peace.

P: Yes. It's extremely important. Is that not what they preach? Is that not what they are meant to practice? Is it not peace?

K: It should be but there's so much judgement from one to the other or one isn't worshiping right or this religion is disregarding this that is sacred while upholding this which is not.

P: Yes. Could we not come to a place of agree to disagree and yet, instill the community of faith and the message that God gave and that Christ gave.

K: I mean, it sounds like it could be if they could just let down their guards.

P: (points to me) Quite right. What are they guarding? Why are they guarding it?

K: I'm not sure. Politics?

P: Yes. There is a political face to religion.

K: I think that the Catholic Church though...might seem like the biggest and most powerful so it may seem that they could look like the schoolyard bully?

P: It could seem that way and it does.

K: What could change that?

P: An understanding. A reunion of the core and the base of this is love. Is that not what Jesus said?

K: But then you might have people think that the church is tearing down the idiosyncrasies that make them (different faiths)...them. Religion speaking.

P: Yes. I must agree.

K: And you did wish for the Catholic Church to be the heart of an alliance between different religions. Is that not another way to say that you wanted to be the center while others branched out from that?

P: That is misconstrued.

K: How so?

P: It was to be a meeting in the middle so there could be great respect and camaraderie even if the views and beliefs differed. One was not better than another. We could simply work together for the love and betterment of the world instead of using a religion to tear the world apart. Religion is not an excuse for hate for it does not condone hate.

K: But hate exists and because it's talked about so much in religion, it's going to be used with religion.

P: Which is exactly what I was so diligent in trying to move away from.

K: Ah. Get it.

P: Yes.

K: Do you think you succeeded?

P: I believe I had more work to do but I could only travel and speak and visit and shake so many hands to add to that example. In the end, it is the choice of the church...of those differing faiths that I felt could bring peace.

K: Was it for world peace that you worked for that?

P: Of course. It is the one thing that created the splits...resentments for our history without considering their own.

K: Do you think that various religions depict God as the same throughout?

P: No. They do not. God is according to their countries, to their culture, to what they fight for, for what they allow.

K: When you lived, did you see that?

P: No. God could unify and I was to be the example of that.

K: Big job.

P: It was.

K: I remember when I was little and you came to Edmonton and I couldn't understand the hype. I saw you drive by in your bullet proof car...why was that so necessary?

P: Because of archaic beliefs of the church.

K: Were you trying to change those? Erase a past of violence?

P: I acknowledged the past of violence and I extended apologies where needed. I could see the history of pain that the Church caused in the name of God. I felt that I was put in the position to mend this. I understood that the actions of the church were horrendous and continued to be. Lives had been torn apart. Throughout history it was blatantly obvious that it was not God's work that caused the pain but fear. I felt it my duty to eradicate that with every ounce of my being. I tried.

K: So you admit that the history of the church was steeped in something other than Christ's message or even the love of God?

P: Yes and before me...I feel my message to the people of this world was taken...it wasn't serious because how could a man that became the head of a church that created such suffering want to make a mends and continue in a different way. It was quite...unbelievable. I knew this and I understood this and I knew that work would be difficult but I made it a personal mission to heal and bring together humanity using Christ's message.

K: That's interesting that you would separate it like that.

P: As much as I loved my religion, I found fault there. To be the man that I chose to be, I could not rely on the religion so much as I had to rely on the man that I put my trust, faith and love in. The moment I did that, it changed. The politics disappeared. The fear disappeared for I did not work for an agency. I worked on behalf of Christ. Do you see, Kimberly?

K: I do. That's a huge difference.

P: Yes.

K: Do you think that's why you were elected as pope? Because you thought or felt differently and those around you could see that? Maybe even feel like some fresh air with some fresh thinking?

P: As Pope Francis does, I understood that the world evolves. We do not live in the dark ages and even some would have liked to believe that we did, at the time that I lived, I knew differently. It was of my thought that the church needed to be brought back into the light.

K: I really like that guy. (Pope Francis) He knows. Like he really knows.

P: He does and that's why he is Pope.

K: There's a likability factor there. I think you had the same. Do you think, in a way, he is to continue what you started? I mean, you both have different agendas but do you think that he was to continue in your footsteps.

P: He will continue what I started but in his way. He is somewhat more...knowledgeable in the way the world looks today than I was. He will create change, he already has. He is very respected.

K: What was the defining moment that steered you in the direction of the priesthood?

P: I had to believe that when my father died...that I wasn't completely alone. For me, it wasn't an easy decision. I had an understanding of what I would have to sacrifice of my own needs and wants to be able to work for the people. When I lost the last of my family, whom I loved so dearly...one by one they left and I was left, for a moment, with nothing. It is when you feel you have no one that the truth of what you do have whispers in your ear. One may defy it at times but it is there. I chose to listen. It was not an easy choice. It may have seemed easy from what others may have said but it was an internal decision just as much as external. You do not go into a marriage of anything without thinking or feeling or wondering about every possible outcome. This was what I went through before ultimately deciding to work on the behalf of Jesus Christ. The best way for me to be able to do that was to enter the priesthood. I believed he carried me as I mourned and felt so alone as he did with many many other people. Who was I to be the only one? But I wasn't. I was simply touched and moved to continue in a different way. My faith was strong. This is why I could hear him but my faith in others was equally strong. It was only because of my baptism to the Catholic church that steered me in that direction even though I was quite familiar with the Jewish faith and the Lutherans...my faith was based on the Catholic religion and so that is the direction I chose to go. Jesus did not tell me which to follow or which to be. That was my choice. I wanted to work in his name and so the choice, in that regard was simple. It was with the Catholic church.

K: Did you think it would go so far? Did you think that you would be Pope?

P: One doesn't enter the priesthood in the hopes of one day becoming a Pope. It would be naïve of one to think that that would be the sole purpose of the life of a priest. There's many many things that a priest can do to spread the word of God. My goal was not to be a leader of a church. It was to be a leader for Christ. I wished to be the example of him and where that took me, I didn't know. Obviously, when a person works with a true heart and to simply just extend a loving word, hand or whatever the case may be...that is the fulfilling part.

K: Without expecting some sort of pay back.

P: Precisely.

K: Or validation.

P: The validation would be in the faces of those your words and messages have touched. You can see if it has brought peace and in that respect, it returns the peace to you.

K: It has been said that you were a miracle worker on two occasions. Do you believe that, as Christ had, you healed people or cured diseases?

P: Yes. What stops an individual from understanding that is simply energy. It is the belief that anything is possible in regards to God which ultimately comes down to the Love of all. Love is in all miracles. It takes two. I believed in what I could do and the power of prayer and they believed that they could be healed. It is a hundred percent on both parts for miracles to occur or be witnessed to.

K: Was it a manipulation of energy on your part?

P: I allowed the Holy Spirit; the Divine to work through me on their behalf. Not on mine. I was but a man. But true miracles can occur when invoking the power of heaven to use you as an...instrument.

K: Then people could say, why didn't you heal the world?

P: Does the world have a hundred percent belief in miracles?

K: No.

P: It is an easy question to ask and I appreciate it. Anyone would but even when dancing a tango...it takes two.

K: (smiling) I get that. I have Spirit saying that to me all the time when I get pouty and demanding. Usually when I'm tired or need a break. They're always telling me that it's a partnership.

P: (nods) It's very true.

K: What was Poland to you? Besides being your home?

P: (smiles) I have much respect for Poland and what it gave to me. It is a beautiful country and one that I would always return to because it afforded me much rest. It was dear to me because I witnessed a lot there and I also forgave a lot there. I did not agree with how the people were treated and I took it as my responsibility to end the suffering of the people there. I would not back down. I was a guard dog. I would die for their freedom if need be. I did not back down in the face of evil for I considered the Nazi regime evil. I, personally, was at war with hell. I would not back down because the people, as all people, were God's and the importance of their resurrection was extremely important to me.

K: But it wasn't just the war or Germany that you riled against although no kidding that you did. But it was Communism. It is said that you were a big part in ending Communism in Eastern Europe.

P: It was all freedom to me. I wanted unification for my lands...for Poland...for all. I had enough of the separatism and the oppression of people. People, in all walks of life and in all ways are to be free in their humanity. I witnessed many times where this couldn't be because of government or police. For me...it was important to communicate that and express that so I could get the assistance I needed to reunite and lift the walls away. So family could see family again without fear of punishment. So children could run and play and breathe without fear of overstepping.

K: Do you think that you were an important part in that?

P: I was. I do believe. I believe when there is passion to build up and not destroy...I believe much can be accomplished.

K: Hard for some.

P: Hard for many. It was not through violence that I spoke but of communication and unifying like minds and hearts. In these ways...I believe unity is meant to happen. One cannot break down and murder and bully before anything is brought to light. That is barbaric and something I, quite frankly, wasn't interested in.

K: So peace brought about constructively and not destructively.

P: Yes.

K: What about the thought that things must fall or be destroyed before the new can emerge?

P: I see where this comes from. I see your logic. This is senseless and undermines the heart and soul of a human being. There is no killing when an innocent question is answered. It is simply a thought that could open so much in regards to discussion and planning of how things can be better. This is the destruction of miscommunication.

K: When you spoke with anyone, did you give your full attention?

P: Of course. It is important to make everyone feel as if they are the only ones in the room.

K: Wow. That's very cool.

P: Yes. It is.

K: I'm sorry I'm stumbling. There's just so much to ask. (Leafing through lots of notes and papers.)

P: Please. Please take your time.

K: Let's talk about your health. It seems it was important to you to maintain it and be healthy.

P: I was to remain active in service to the people and in service to the church. One cannot be active in either by expecting people to come to them. I was the face of the church and so I would not hesitate to be an active participant in spreading its messages and mine. Although, at times, they were different...again the foundation was only that of love.

K: What about the people that tried to kill you? How do you feel about that or those situations?

P: In any job that has a person being put on display and having a voice that not everyone agrees with, it comes without saying that there are great risks. I knew of them. I was okay with them. Dying was not something that scared me. What scared me the most was that I would be injured so greatly that I could not do my job of which was to educate and honor. This I took very seriously. I did not leave my residence in fear that this would happen. When it does, it shakes a person up a little but I have seen such horrendous atrocities in regards to this that I understood it could potentially happen to me. How do I feel about those who tried to end my life? I have forgiven them long ago for they know not what they do.

K: Oh I think they had an idea.

P: Because why? Because they feared me? Because they misunderstood me? Because they didn't agree with me? These reasons for killing are not enough to silence me. I couldn't be silenced.

K: Death in situations like capital punishment or war...you spoke of reform for those individuals.

P: Death, when not in line with Heaven's wishes, is wasteful. Every life means something. From the beginning of conception to the day a person breathes their last breath...it is of great importance. Heaven...God calls them home. No one or nothing else. There is hope in a human life, whether they have committed such vial atrocities or are the result of atrocities. Nothing is to be senselessly taken or lost. Every life has worth and every life should be respected. This is life. Life is given and taken by God.

K: We are all a part of God.

P: Yes. God is not separate and so who's right is it to take the life of God in any circumstance?

K: I understand. I mean, I feel a lot of judgement from many people so it's difficult for me to write that but I see what you're saying. I think it's just this whole idea of retribution?

P: It is. Eye for an eye. It is anger and hate. That which pulls down and condemns when there is freedom in forgiveness. One does not have to understand to forgive.

K: Easier said than done.

P: But imagine the freedom to continue life in a new and much freer way.

K: Were you so easy to forgive all that you saw?

P: (smiles) I will admit this to you...at times. It was not easy. It was very difficult. I died with memories or actions that I could not fully forgive or understand. But I died with the ability to know that I had done all that I could do and at some point...it is up to the other.

K: Both sides a hundred percent.

P: You're listening.

K: I am. I want to talk about the ladies.

P: (laughs a little bit) Yes. I was wondering when this would be spoken of.

K: You had a great respect, understanding and love for women.

P: I did. I felt they were betrayed by many. I felt they needed validation instead of condemnation because of ideals that they could not control.

K: Now, I'm talking to the Pope here and not the Saint right now.

P: Yes.

K: Why can't women be priests and serve like you or any man would and could.

P: To say it simply, we are the apostles of Jesus. Men were the apostles.

K: Great but you are well aware, now, are you not that Mary Magdalene was an apostle.

P: I was.

K: Does that change your stance now?

P: And in changing my stance does it make any difference to my life as Pope?

K: I'm just curious.

P: I feel there is an inequality in regards to the church. I feel that women could bring a great deal of balance to the beliefs as they have for hundreds of years. I believe that there is strength in women that cannot compare with that of a man's. I am a lover of the female as a male. Because I chose to marry Christ does not mean I did not appreciate women. I was in adoration of the Mother Mary. She is queen. I understand the position of many that being a nun was not sufficient in regards to the equality of women in the Catholic Church but we, as priests, relied on them greatly to teach us and show us what we could not do for ourselves. In regards to the Mary Magdalene, one could say the church used her as an example that women were of no great importance. The image that she is portrayed in the Catholic faith is not true. Jesus relied on her a lot and she him. It was easier, in the blackest of days in the church, to portray her as a prostitute...as a whore, in the hopes that it would paint all women as being only to obtain such a status.

K: Even if thought a prostitute...what was the difference? There was rape and sexual assault everywhere in those times. A person could look over their shoulder and see a soldier having their way and think either way.

P: This is true.

K: Have you spoken with her?

P: I have.

K: Would you be willing to share?

P: Only that her forgiveness is that of Gods and she is aware of the part she was to play in that way. Although they were difficult times for her, she moved on from that and continued to live in love when humanity could not.

K: Jesus has good taste.

P: (smiles) Yes.

K: When you died, did you know where you were going?

P: I was shown many times the gates of heaven. Of course this is just a saying for it is not guarded gates. I was welcomed into the light as the man that I was and in the service that I gave. I had many visions and dreams of what was beyond and so it did not frighten me. I went peacefully. Was it what I expected? At first. Did I realize how grand it could be? Not with my human mind? Could I feel such intensity of that love? I tried but could not come close. That love which brought me to tears as a human man and allowed me to honor and fight for causes on behalf of the Lord...the true essence of it would have been like being struck by lightning a thousand times and writhing in ecstasy. I loved. But I have never experienced the whole of love until I arrived in my place in the company of the Holy Spirit.

K: Wow. What a picture you paint. I mean, I can only imagine it and I know it's true but wow. People are so worried about judgement or how they're worthy to get to heaven because of all the acts of 'love' that they did here on earth. When it comes down to it, every individual gets that Divine treatment?

P: Yes. The earthly existence is a journey not without its troubles and trials. It is understood that a soul could never be judged for choosing to live how they did for it is a choice, as you have heard before.

Some choice is easy and some is extremely hard to live through. And so, all are healed.

K: Would you be open to answering some readers' questions? I think we've touched on a couple already but would that be okay with you?

P: I am in agreement with you. I feel as though we have touched upon these subjects but yes, you may offer your questions.

K: Okay. Being Pope, how did you want that as a profession?

P: It is unclear whether they ask about the priesthood or if they ask of my papacy. However, my journey into the priesthood was a calling, even if I chose to deny it for a time. It was with the death of my father that I was distraught wondering if he died alone. My faith grew stronger, from this point on, that one is never alone. I, silently, pursued the idea of giving thanks to those who were with my father at the time of his death because I felt as if Christ led him to Heaven. How could I show such appreciation for allowing me to feel that one is always guided by our Lord? I needed to weigh, if you will, the pros and cons of such a life. I decided, eventually, that I was not giving up a life but gaining such profound love and encouragement and by receiving this, I could also give back. After this realization, the decision was not so difficult. It was through the giving of myself and supporting causes that were important to the church and the world at large...at that time...that I was blessed with the opportunity to do more and so I accepted the challenge with a full heart understanding that there was more work to be done and that I was a catalyst in bringing change. My ideas and my beliefs did not always align with the church. They would align with a world that I saw and knew needed guidance in nonviolent and respectful ways. I was simply a tool as an example of what could be accomplished by one man that only wanted to serve others. In this way, I served myself.

K: Your hand is at the back of my neck. Your touch is very soft and giving. When people got the chance to shake your hand or be touched by you in comforting ways...could you settle them and allow them to feel what peace was really like?

P: As I have said before, everyone is deserving of human contact in respectful and loving ways. Everyone deserves to be looked at in the eyes and shown how great they are as they are.

K: Thank you for that. That's really awesome. What did you wish to accomplish or change as Pope and do you feel that you did?

P: I wanted to unite religion while respecting beliefs. A religion can differ. That is the freedom of it. But I wanted to unite them with common ground which was love...which was peace. Not all believed in a Holy Spirit. Not all believed in Jesus. But all had the foundation of love and peace. It was important to me to find that common ground and find comradery in that instead of competition. God is for all. God is unification. That was important to me. I also wanted to end needless suffering at the hands of people, armies or governments that saw nothing in the Spirit of the human being. There was such needless suffering and condemnation. I feel I was successful in these things if only speaking out about or against them. I was given a title and so I would not waste the opportunity to use the title to change the world. I tried to be proactive in ways that mirrored the time I was in while still remaining respectful to the church and its beliefs. It was a balance and one that I maintained. Was it always agreed with? No. But I tried to do the best that I could under the circumstances that I was blessed with.

K: What were your biggest challenges or accomplishments?

P: I felt all I did was a great accomplishment if only to break the barriers of communication and practice my faith in a way that was inclusive to all, despite religion, and that could speak to the hearts of so many. I was challenged by fear. I was challenged by judgment. Not so much from myself but from those who were never willing to understand that I was coming from a Christ Consciousness, if you would like to put it that way. They only saw the face of a religion in a dark age. I wanted to bring it out of the dark ages. I felt it was my duty to apologize for many atrocities and while one man could not stop all of them, I could acknowledge that they occurred or are happening as a way of validating what people went through under the hand of an archaic church bound by rules of power.

K: Wow. You really knew the truth of people's feelings.

P: I did. It was obvious and so it made me work harder.

K: How do you see religions now that you are in spirit?

P: (smiles) Spirit is much bigger. As much as I tried to stretch the barriers of any religion...religion cannot contain the spirit. It is much bigger than any doctrine for it is eternal.

K: Those words hit my heart so hard. In a good way. I want to cry...almost like relief.

P: The spirit is forever. That is the difference.

K: Did you think this when alive?

P: I did.

K: Blowin' my mind right now.

P: It is because you always believed one thing of me. I was a human being. I understood. I was not blinded by walls, gold and a book. I decided, early on, to see further than that.

K: What do you think of where we are now from a spiritual vs. religions perspective?

P: For some it is the same. Spirit is tied to religious ideologies which is to be expected. I believe humanity is in a state of awareness. Some struggle with such thoughts against what they are taught to believe. I feel that personal truth is taking precedence which is spirit. They may feel comfort in the church but their truth, when felt with the lightness of love and spirit, is prevailing. When one uses the name of God to create turmoil...it is not God but a set of beliefs and rules captured in a picture of a religion. People are now connecting to spirit to question and see past this.

K: I really hope so. Sometimes that's hard to see.

P: Yes but trust in what you don't see...trust in what you feel to be true.

K: With what you know now, what would you change about what you were taught or believe?

P: Nothing for I worked with Jesus and I shared his message. I used what I had to spread his Divinity and to try and awaken that in many. The reader would question whether I regret...how can one regret when one works with only love and with nothing to prove or gain. I had my voice. I used my voice. It was not always agreed upon. There were many assumptions with my name on it but I know and am at peace with my life in that way.

K: That's good. That's awesome. To be so at peace with everything...the ups and downs, good and bad. That's refreshing because I see so many people wrestle with could and should while alive. Or what ifs.

P: There is much of that. To reconcile with one's past is difficult. Forgiveness can heal so much. It's the ability to understand and want forgiveness that is difficult.

K: What do you think of Pope Francis and how he does things compared to yourself and your predecessors?

P: I have great respect for him. He is strength in adversity and has peace where chaos lives. He is the calm, you might say, in a world that needs it. The world evolves. I was meant to be pope at the time that I was...at the world's age that it was. The world has grown. It has evolved and changed. Those that cannot keep up with change in thought and ideals will stay behind. Although his intentions were good, Pope Benedict remained in the past while the world moved forward. It didn't work. I have much respect for Pope Francis and his forward thinking while respecting the church and its history. History cannot be changed. At times, this is unfortunate. However, we learn from our history and we progress. This is Pope Francis. He is to lead the new age of the Catholic Church. It is well with me and I bless him in his endeavors.

K: What would your message be for us?

P: (grins) Have hope. There is always hope. There is always light in the dark. Have hope that it is there for it is. Have patience. It is a virtue that brings peace. Watch and trust in God's plan even if it does not align with your own or what you wish to see for it will and it does make sense. Have hope.

K: Thank you so much. I think that's the perfect place to close. What about you?

P: It is. It has been wonderful spending the time with you. My wish is that my words touch on the hearts of many who will read them. I hope I have laid to rest some beliefs. I understand that some fault me because of an image to an image. It is alright. I am at peace.

K: Feels like it. I apologize because I fell into that. I had a lot of assumptions basing the man on the church but the more I've learned about you and just being with you for the last couple of days...I've learned a lot. Thank you.

P: (nods) Thank you. I am honored. Thank you. Be well.

K: You too. See you.

P: Good bye.

Waves a little bit and walks off.

Conversations with Bill Paxton

April 21, 2017

I honestly don't know how these guys find me. Not that I mind. It's just sometimes a little surprising to have them arrive when you're not even thinking of them to invite them. I knew Bill but it was like Paul. I knew of him but didn't follow his work or anything. Watched Twister and Titanic but who didn't? This is the kind of guy that is one of those nice guys. There's nothing but laid back, casual, easy going talk. It's like seeing your neighbor and stopping for a chat while shoveling snow, walking a dog or raking leaves. There's a twinkle in his eye, a shy smile, at first, that just spreads into an incredible grin. It's easy and it's happy. He says he didn't think I'd recognize him but he didn't know how else to come. He shows me that he just slipped into a closing door before it shut. That would be a metaphorical image I suppose. Here is my conversation with Bill Paxton.

B: Hi. Hi there.

K: Hi.

B: Surprised I bet.

K: A little but that's okay. How are you?

B: Uh...(slips his hands into the pockets of his jeans) I'm well. I'm doin' pretty good actually.

K: Well it's good to meet you. Is there anything that you would like to talk about with me?

B: (laughs a little shyly) To be honest, I just wanted to see how this thing worked. I'm...I guess you could say I'm learning a lot.

K: Are you enjoying what you're learning?

B: Yeah. Of course. It's been a hell of an adventure.

K: I bet. So... I hear you died because you didn't wake up from a heart surgery?

B: Yeah. I didn't wake up.

K: What was that like for you? I only ask because I've been personally touched by something like that.

B: Well, it was like going to sleep and waking up really...differently. I always kind of rolled my eyes at those stories about people having those near death experiences when being operated on and then coming back into their bodies...I just couldn't.

K: Yeah. I understand that. Did you leave the physical during the surgery?

B: (shakes head a little) No. It wasn't during the surgery. It was after.

K: Was their pain? Surgery sucks especially something like heart surgery. Did you have any...were you uncomfortable with your passing?

B: I don't remember that I was...no. I just got put to sleep. I don't mean to be harsh or insensitive in any way but I can kind of relate to how a pet feels when they've come to the end of their life and the owner has made that decision to end their suffering. In a way...my death paralleled that, I guess. It was simple. I felt good. I was a little disoriented at first. It was a shock to realize that I wasn't going to come back. It was this instinct that I had. I wanted to panic but found that I couldn't because everything was okay.

K: Were you met by someone or others that made that transition easier for you?

B: Immediately I had family members by my side. They didn't rush anything. They were just there for me to help me get used to the fact...see, I don't know how else to put it because I was immediately used to the fact but because I still held on to...me, I guess, I needed that time to wrap my head around what was goin' on. When you immediately leave the body, for some that aren't expecting it there's a tie...an invisible tie to you as a person and it can gradually subside or it can take a little bit. Kind of like jet lag in a way or getting acclimatized to a certain area of the world when you've never been there before. When death kind of hits you between the eyes, as much peace and comfort as there is, sometimes a person has to work it out for themselves.

K: What about the people that have lived with illness for a while; have lived with disease knowing that the end result is death?

B: Well, it's like opening the door to your house. You just walk through. You just know that it was meant to happen and over the time where you're sick, you make peace and accept the fact that you're on to something else. It's not a shock or unexpected.

K: How did you feel going into the surgery?

B: Honestly, I knew it had to be done but I was hesitant in getting it done. I was told that it was needed to save my life...in a way. It was needed for my health. Turns out, it was the end of the line.

K: When you have those feelings, like when a person is nervous about a surgery, is it the fear of never waking up again or do you think it's this innate sense of knowing? This knowing that you can't explain that you won't come back to your human life.

B: I think that people can just have a fear of never waking up. You hear kids being scared to go to sleep and asking their parents, you know, I'm scared that I won't wake up and you have to calm them and say, of course you'll wake up. I just had this feeling in my gut that I couldn't describe. I only felt nervous and anxious.

K: Huh. I've never had that with surgery. It was always the waking up part that I never liked. Kind of like waking up with a severe hangover. I never handled the aftermath of surgery very well.

B: (smiles) Who does?

K: When you saw your family and they heard of your passing...what was that like for you?

B: I said I was sorry. I said I didn't know what happened but I was okay. It was really surreal that I could feel how they were feeling and if I ever had any question in my mind about how they felt about me, I knew, then, how important I was to them and that's the wild part. You don't know how much you mean to people until you're here. You can walk around life and be so ignorant to how your presence or your actions affect people. Until you get here, you don't know how...even the closest people how they feel about you...truly feel about you. And then all in one moment I knew and I don't know if that made me feel any better leaving them. I mean, I learned early on that that wasn't possible even though I had really no clue or knew differently. The fact that love connects people from here (points to him) and to there (points to me) is so mind blowing. I thought I knew a little bit about what death could be like. Sure. I mean, there are ideas but you're not yanked away. It's a door that's always open...your friends and family and the connections you've made with all these people...that door is always open and you can come and go as much as you like.

K: Do you take that opportunity?

B: I really do.

K: Let's talk Twister.

B: (smiles) I liked that job. I mean to work that much with graphics...I can't say that Helen and I would still be alive if we were tied by belts or straps and caught in the middle of an F5. So there's the Hollywood aspect for sure.

K: The movie stressed me out, Bill. I just remember being in the theater and the opening scene where the dog was left outside. I thought, how am I going to watch this movie. To hell with the people. There's a dog left outside.

B: But it got you didn't it? It held you. I think that tornadoes are so...they're such a mystery and they need to be studied. Mother Nature (shakes his head in wonder) is an amazing thing. Anything She does, right, just on those big scales. There wonders of the mind. It makes people think who's the one in control, right. So for me, a guy from the south, being in a movie about tornadoes was awesome because I got to learn about them and see how they act and work with them in a way that I could maybe gain some understanding about mother nature.

K: I saw you for a bit in a miniseries my husband was watching. Something about the McCoy's?

B: Yeah.

K: Pretty raw.

B: The story is that though. Back in those days, people fought for survival and were territorial and very hung up on who gets what and what's owed to who and if you cross the line I have no problem putting a rifle to your head and shooting. They were wild times. They were hard times and the family values and the Christian ethics and how all that came out in just really angry ways...I guess gangs will always be. But gangs back then was a whole other ball game and they always found their guy. You didn't have social media or television but they sniffed enemies out like dogs. Really taught how to use instincts. I learned a lot from every project I worked on whether it was relationships or nature...it was all very cool.

K: You had a friendship with James Cameron. Was the Titanic a mutual interest?

B: It was that treasure chest and such a mystery. I mean, going down there and seeing it...you couldn't look at the same thing the same way ever. There's this ever present sensation of being haunted when you see her. I think it's just one of those things that you wonder about the people and what they went through that night and as much as James tried to portray that, there's always that understanding that everyone who acted those scenes were okay where there were people that actually had to watch that ship go down and it was horrifying for them. For me, it wasn't like going to a grave yard. My heart went out to the victims and the survivors because, like me, I didn't believe that going on a boat or going for surgery would take my life. And it was the same for those people. They expected a different outcome than what they got. What's crazy is that you pretty much understand, right away, why things have to happen like that.

K: Yeah. I'm sure there's an explanation somewhere other than it was my time.

B: There is. The puzzle of life and of death is really answered and felt but can't fully be realized by that human thought process. It's just...that's the best way to describe it, I guess. I was done.

K: Do you see timelines that could have been?

B: (shakes head) No. Not in my life as Bill because that's where the finish line was. I could see time lines if I hadn't had the surgery but it all ends up the same so as much as you could visit the what if I hadn't gone to get surgery...it's almost not worth it because my life was done at that point. People may argue that I had projects on the go or I had family that needed me and so on. Sure but that stuff doesn't last forever.

K: No. I guess not. Did you enjoy your life? Overall, was it everything you wanted it to be?

B: I was lucky to have the experiences that I did. It was cool to see that for every action was an outcome. It was crazy to feel the love from others or the celebration of your life from others. To be able to wrap yourself around something like that makes you understand that I didn't do half bad and I was crazy lucky to have the life I did.

K: I like feeling stuff like that.

B: Took the good with the bad. I really understand perfection and that it doesn't exist in the way we see it or are taught to see it.

K: I always use the phrase, perfectly imperfect.

B: It's a good one.

K: I'm really glad to have met you Bill. It gives me peace and understanding just because the way you passed is very similar to a very special woman that I knew. So, your story gives me comfort. I mean, I know because I asked her here and there but I think the more I learn of these things from different people/spirits, the more I know everything's cool. It's all going to work out.

B: It does and if I could share that with everyone that regardless of anything that happens in life, it all works out. We just have trouble seeing that. Movies get edited to work out in a couple of hours. We have a lifetime and some are longer than others but I think that it would bring a lot of peace to so many if they knew that it all just works out.

K: Super advice. It really is. We stress too much.

B: Guilty as sin. (raises hand a bit in admittance) My perfectionism could sometimes bite me in the ass. But I don't fault it. It's easy to fault that kind of stuff when it's happening but I think just standing back and just watching...

K: Like being the observer?

B: Yeah. Like that. If we could learn to do that more with the understanding that it all works out. I think we could jump to that next level.

K: I think so to. What do you got going on today?

B: Oh, lots of visiting. Still trying to work in this new suit but it's going well. Everything's going really good. I just like to visit my family to offer that comfort, you know. That connection is never severed so I make it part of some sort of routine here. I still need that in a way.

K: Nah. It's all good. I think it's good to have that as part of some sort of routine. Thanks Bill. Thanks for the visit. I was surprised to see you but I'm glad we could chat a little.

B: Thanks Kimberly? Kim?

K: Doesn't matter. What's in a name?

B: It was good to meet you in any case. Sorry about being so hard to follow back there. (beginning of chat was a little harder to connect to) Still getting used to having to ground to stuff like that. I guess that's what they call it. But hey, thanks for the practice.

K: No problem. Anytime. Have a good one.

B: Yeah. You too. Thanks for this.

K: You're welcome. Take care.

B: Bye.

Conversations with Paul Walker – Procrastination

April 25, 2017

There are all sorts of friendships out there. Someone asked me once how I would categorize this one. I still don't have an answer. I guess with any relationship, there's a learning curve. There's support, sometimes bickering and arguments (mostly I argue), there's mutual respect and love. Is it always easy? No. Is it mostly hard? No. Do we have a common middle ground? Sometimes and it's mostly to share what we can to make the road a little less arduous with some laughs along the way...like today. But, he pokes the bear and the bear snaps back.

P: Breathing works. What's with you?

K: Nothing. Fine. What's with you?

P: Hhhmmm. I'm gonna have to call in Simon to kick your ass into gear these days.

K: I blame space and time.

P: Space and time huh?

K: Yes. Space because of energies that are bombarding the planet...so I've been hearing. Don't really follow that kind of stuff too much and time because I'm on short supply.

P: Yes, there are energies hitting every planet out in space and have been since the beginning of time so that's not an excuse and second of all, you have more than enough time if you want it. You know you do.

K: Is this an intro to a discussion or a friendly tough love chat?

P: Both.

K: You told me this morning, in a flash of inspiration...

P: (smiling and chuckling) That was the phone. Not the topic of conversation.

K: Okay. You told me that you wanted to speak a little about procrastination but...haven't we talked about this already?

P: No. I don't think so and even if we have it probably needs to be said again.

K: For me or for whoever's going to read this.

Crosses and ankle over a knee and stares in my direction.

K: So it's like that is it? If this is a personal channel I'm not going to bother typing it out.

P: It's not. It's for everyone.

Grabs a cup of coffee.

K: Need to feel included?

P: It's early where you are and I thought it might set the mood.

K: Huh. Okay.

P: Cheers.

K: So what about procrastination?

P: Everyone's guilty for doin' it at one point or another.

K: Not the A types.

P: Even the A types get a little tired of monotony from time to time.

K: So is it the ground hog day that perpetuates a state of procrastination because of some sort of lack of excitement about it? Things get routine?

P: Part of it.

K: And you just don't want to do it anymore.

P: So switch it up. Do things differently.

K: Yeah. I agree. Get out of the routine. If you go one way with the dog when walking, go a different way.

P: Sure.

K: If you make the salad after you make the supper, make it before.

P: Yeah. (iffy)

K: You don't seem very convinced.

P: You're still making salad.

K: Then let's start at the beginning.

P: Beginning. (takes a sip and bounces his foot a little. bare feet.) Cool. The point I was trying to make with you is that you're making excuses and avoiding when you know you have an hour or two to do something, you decide to put it off.

K: Here's my stance on this if you're getting so personal?

P: I could get a hell of a lot more personal that procrastination, Kim.

K: To avoid procrastination on anything, am I then to fill every second of every day with something to do that's a chore or that's a job or that's a hobby or whatever?

P: No. You need down time.

K: Is there a limit on down time?

P: I think when you just don't want to look or do what you have obligated yourself to do because it's gotten stale or it's gotten routine than you're using the down time as an excuse to procrastinate or avoid certain things that need to get accomplished because they maybe were a goal or they maybe have a due date. Whatever it is, if you're sitting around and know it's there and have a few minutes to take care of things, then it's procrastination.

K: Would procrastination be the same as laziness?

P: Not always. No.

K: Explain.

P: Laziness is just not caring. Procrastinators know things are there to get done but it hangs there (waves a hand above his head) like this big cloud and creates stress and sometimes the stress is avoided until it kind of implodes or explodes. Whatever. That's personality.

K: True. So laziness is just not giving a poop if it gets done or not and there's no cloud. There's just indifference.

P: Yeah and I just made my point.

K: I have lots of stuff going on. You know this. (have lots of people around me and tasks other than speaking with ghosts)

P: I know. It's just an example.

K: Procrastination allows a sense of stress to settle?

P: The piles get bigger and bigger.

K: Sometimes people like working under stress like that or they purposely save things up so they have a busier day.

P: What else are you trying to avoid if you're needing to keep busy?

K: This is true.

P: And it's not one of these traits that needs to be labeled as wrong or right. People get into moods or they get into funks or other things seem to take priority.

K: Would procrastination be dealt with in better ways if people were to prioritize better?

P: Yeah. Sure. It's just that the priority, sometimes, is avoiding because the stack is really hard to look at or there's a lack of energy to get things done or the person's changed and the same tasks day in and day out aren't cool anymore and they need a change but they don't want to admit that to themselves because there's this assumed safety in the old.

K: Ah. Again, very true. Procrastination for change.

P: Because it's stepping into something new and maybe improved. So avoiding making change because change isn't always comfortable is a big one.

K: But a person wants to change jobs...they have to be smart about it. They just can't quite a job thinking that they'll get another one right away.

P: Why not. It's that whole manifestation thing isn't it?

K: Please don't give people permission to quit jobs, Paul.

P: (smiles) I'm not. I'm not doin' it. I'm just making a point. Mentally, if you think finding another job will be a piece of cake, chances are it won't be so hard. It might take a while but it won't have that same stress over it than a person who thinks, Oh shit. What've I done. I'm screwed.

K: Yes. Procrastination making decisions?

P: About?

K: Let's talk relationships because of fear of hurting the other person.

P: While you're hurting on the inside, waiting.

K: Like an ending.

P: If there's relationship issues in any type of relationship and people are avoiding or procrastinating on those talks, there's a build up before. Like I said. Explode or implode. Either way, it'll happen and it won't be pretty.

K: Nerves though.

P: Over thinking. Usually when those talks happen right away, there's no build up and the reactions aren't there. It's the procrastination that gets the hamster runnin' and imagination can build things up to huge deals when it probably really isn't in the first place.

K: Procrastination waiting for someone else to do it for them?

P: (smiles) Yeah. Let's go there.

K: Why are you smiling?

P: This has marriage or partnerships written all over it.

K: Why?

P: Just...people get into routines in these partnerships and something new is wedged there...it's easy to let the other person take it. Especially if they're the ones to handle things in the relationship anyway. But if only one is taking on the burden of new responsibility or new issues that arise, resentments can settle in.

K: Or it's just easier if one takes it because it'll just get done and done properly.

P: Still. Resentment.

K: Yeah. There can be. How did this turn into relationship counselling?

P: Don't know. It just did. That's how coffee with friends can go. Any way.

K: Okay, so we touched on laziness and avoidance. Does procrastination always cause stress?

P: Well...(sits up) The chore or the work is always that lingering thought in the back of your brain that kind of grows doesn't it?

K: For some.

P: And if something just grows without being tended to, it can get out of control. You procrastinate or avoid mowing the lawn. Pretty soon, it's not just the lawn that's going to be on your mind. It's going to be the way the neighbors look at you too, right?

K: (laughing) If one cares about how others look at them.

P: Yeah. Some people don't care. Okay. Snow shoveling.

K: Don't say snow.

P: As an example, it just accumulates or packs down and then there's double the work when, if you just got it done when it fell, it would've been a few minutes of your day and you could continue with the rest of that without the snow sitting there in heaps in the back of your mind.

K: Yeah.

P: Driving.

K: Don't even. Donkey!

P: Well. Kim! Procrastination and now it's a fear.

K: It was a fear to begin with!

P: Think about it terms of some sort of freedom and stop making excuses to not do it.

K: Are we really going to argue about this?

P: Not here but later.

K: Too late. And by the way, I love walking. You should try it sometime.

P: I have. It's not fast enough.

K: God.

P: My point is that you've built it up in your head so it's like this mountain or this dragon that you have to slay when it didn't have to be.

K: You try learning with her.

P: True. No wonder you waited.

K: Michele gave me some lessons. She was very good. Very calm. Nearly killed her once.

P: (laughs) Oh man. I like when you go off on a tangent 'cause you calm down.

K: You're welcome.

P: Roger offered.

K: I know he offered. I'm grateful.

P: I think we'd argue too much.

K: Probably. Where were we?

P: Not sure. (laughs)

K: So if we were to procrastinate less, we'd probably find that we have more time for things or we'd have more energy to accomplish more things and even things that we enjoy doing instead of worrying about what hasn't been done or what issues haven't been dealt with. We would have more of an opportunity to enjoy life. Breathing would be easier.

P: Yeah and if you look around and see that you have little things that need to get done, take a day or a weekend and just get it done so you can enjoy the next weekend without looking at the mountain that you made yourself and stress about it.

K: I find the more I'm nagged about something, the less I'll want to do it.

P: That's control tendencies.

K: On my side or both?

P: Both. Who's right and who's wrong and who's going to win that tug-of-war.

K: Again, you nailed that really easily.

P: I'm smart like that.

K: Anything else on procrastination?

P: We're good. (slides his fingers through the sides of his head and rests them on the back of his head while leaning back)

K: You do look good in white. (white t-shirt) I don't think I've ever seen you in white before.

P: Angels where white all the time.

K: Who says you're an angel?

P: Kelsey called me an angel once.

K: Yeah. She did.

P: (winks) See ya Kim.

K: Bye.

P: Are we friends again?

K: Are you gonna give me a hard time again?

P: Uh...I can't promise that. No. I'll make you a deal.

K: What?

P: Share the channel and I'll be Mr. Sweet and Sensitive for the next one.

K: I'd like that in writing.

P: Pick up a pen. I'll drive.

K: Great. (sarcastic) See you.

P: Bye.

Conversations with Whitney Houston

May 9, 2017

She was full on happy. She was pensive. She was direct. She was anything but shy about answering anything. She sang. She talked a lot with her hands. She was outgoing and just incredibly fun. I loved how she made her voice so clear to me. It was as if we were sitting in a living room together. I was curious about doing this one for a while; ever since I started doing this conversation with Spirit thing but it was never the time. This day, she came in really quickly and was patiently waiting on this yellow/beige arm chair. She made herself at home. I'm very grateful that she found me and I feel really...good about where she is now and what she lived through and that she knew the reasoning behind it and what she was to take from her life. So friggin' classy. This is my conversation with Whitney Houston...

W: I am here and I am very glad to be here. Thank you, Kim. Thank you. (rubbing her hands together then putting them in a prayer position and bowing her head a little)

K: I'm happy you came. I really am. I've been curious about you for some time. How are you? You look so good. You really do.

W: I feel amazing...I really do. (mimicking me) It's been a long road. It was a long road.

K: Those that come to me don't usually admit those kinds of things. Did it feel difficult to you? Your life as Whitney Houston?

W: Where do I begin? Where? It wasn't at all a bad life. It was a blessed life. I was blessed with so much...so very much. There were things that I couldn't cope with; that I needed escape from. Things that I didn't want to look at about myself even though, if you were to look from the outside, things seemed okay. (shrugs) The lows were very low but the highs were angel high. For me, I found little time to be at a common ground level, you know? I needed to be stimulated and I needed to feel worth it or, if I didn't get that, I would crumble.

K: You're showing me that there were days that you didn't leave your bed?

W: Nope. (Turns head from side to side) There were days that I didn't want to step out of my own house into my own world.

K: How do you feel about that now, looking at that life? How do you feel about that immobilized...feeling?

W: I'm okay. It was my nature. I didn't mean to worry anyone. Krissy, you know, she was so great. She would make sure that I had whatever I needed, pretending not to understand those dark moments and what I used to try to escape them. Of course she saw. Of course she saw everything. Children know. She was very protective of me. I put her in a position of a caregiver sometimes. It caused worry in her life. I didn't intend it. She was my everything. But it was there and she witnessed a lot of habits that made her curious and without knowing, I gave her permission to follow that way of life.

K: Did you think you had coping skills?

W: (smiles wide) Coping? I used to. I used to. I used to hum. I used to pray. I used to sing quietly while the world just passed on. I used to have a relationship with God that I could trust. I used to have faith in myself as a woman...as a mother. And then...when those lights went down and I went home and I couldn't be honest with myself for how I wanted to live or who I wanted to live with...I found other means. It's no secret. The drugs were no secret. I knew what I was doin'. I always thought that I could easily come off and I did...for a while. I did and I sang again. I sang even when it was difficult. I lost my voice. I lost my voice because of the choices I chose to make. But I forgive that and I understand that.

K: You're energy is amazing! You're just so sure of yourself. Even when I would see you in interviews or singing in a video...you always seemed so alive and happy to be doing that.

W: And I was.

K: When were you the happiest?

W: (chuckles) When I was a girl and I sang to God and I was in the middle of that church and everyone joined my innocence...I was happy. When I saw the look of pride on my mamma's face...I was happy. I loved. I had friends and they made me happy. For a time, I had a love. It was seemingly the perfect match. We were happy and we created a daughter and she was and is the apple of my eye. But for every happiness I had it was another level of accomplishment that I had to achieve. I had to achieve anything I set out to do and I didn't believe in boundaries. I didn't believe that God put boundaries in the way of someone with a purpose to make a person laugh or cry with music. Yeah. I had many moments of happiness. My life was not always as dark as what people may seem to think.

K: No. I don't think it was. You seemed to have your way paved in music, coming from such a musical family. I mean...Dionne Warwick. Come on. You mother...wow. Aretha Franklin....you were surrounded by talent. Was it an obvious thing that you would follow that?

W: I believe we all, all of us kids, were meant to be musical because it was instilled in us. How could a person not jump and dance and sway when you're in a church full of people that are doing the same thing and expressing themselves without a care or worry about what that looked like. I used that energy and that was my permission to sing and to perform because we all performed for each other and we all wowed each other. At that time, fame wasn't a concern of mine. It was only to carry on with that. (moves her hands in a circular motion)

She clasps her hands a lot and rests the side of her cheek or chin on them when she listens to me. She's not just listening to the questions but is taking them all in. And she's very honest.

K: Before knowing what you know now, did you think, as the young woman that started performing, that it was all predestined?

W: Too think of it like that...I never stopped to consider that or not. I just did. When you stop and you examine you lose something of that surprise...that what's next. It was only when I was older that I would stop and think. Although I was truly blessed with a gift I questioned it. (nodding her head and furrowing her brow in confusion) I questioned when I had time to question but my brain didn't know how to stop and it just kept going. And another project would come and it would help. Then I often thought about what was next but different and I would sit and I would think and think. It was a cycle.

K: And it was more when you were older?

W: (nods) Yes. Yes it was.

K: Did you really want the performing or was it pressed upon you?

W: (smiles) I wanted it. My mother...she was so good. She said the Lord will give it but he will also take it away. Respect where you go. She never allowed me to take anything for granted but I was hungry. I was hungry and there was a moment where I didn't listen and I went my own way and she would tell me, Whitney...what is it you want? You want this? And I only thought that she didn't understand. She didn't understand me but she did. A mother always always understands. Especially Cissy. She understood...more than what I would give her credit for. I never wanted her to worry for me. That was never my intent. I only wanted to carve my own way in the world. Dropping names can get you far but only so far. At some point you have to prove that you can and you could. (points a finger as a gesture to make a point) I needed to do that for me.

K: When you did start...

She shows me a bull in a china shop.

K: Okay. Sure. Let's go there. When you became the bull, did the performing lose the fun?

W: A little bit.

K: What eased that?

W: The drugs. It wasn't a lot at first. Just something to take the edge off. Prescription is what they called them. Doc would hand over a paper and I would get it filled and it did the job. But there was nothing communicated to me about how good a job it could do.

K: What did you like better? Modelling, acting or singing...producing?

W: (grins and laughs) I truly loved it all. I did.

K: When did you decide to act?

W: I was approached to do a movie about a celebrity that needed a bodyguard but she needed to do it all. She needed to sing and act and love. I was approached because it was a role that required a big voice and a big attitude. I had that. I took it. I was excited. I felt it was just the next level of whatever I was meant to do.

K: Kevin Costner?

W: My teddy bear. He has the heart of gold. He is the kindest man. There is so much integrity there. He made me laugh. It wasn't hard with him. He was just the ease in my day. We were so different. I loved him very much. Our friendship was fast. (clasps her hands at her chest) We remained friends. I couldn't ever not see him again.

K: He spoke very kindly about you at your funeral.

W: And I appreciated that. My mother appreciated that. We were very opposite but that's what brought us together. Differences can actually bring people together in so many ways. There is no reason to stay apart.

K: That is very true. Very true. Was it easier to be performing in concerts or to act in movies?

W: Ummm.....they were different. There was more of an opportunity to erase and redo with a movie, of course, but if you are so stuck in trying to be perfect in either situation, the flow is gone. It's still an interaction. It's an interaction with a camera or a person. The camera reaches more people but you stare (points from her eyes to a camera's lens) you stare at that face as if it was person's eyes and the connection will still be there.

K: Were you a diva?

W: (This is funny to her. She laughs and playfully slaps at the arms rests of her chair) I was a diva. I was. I had my moments. I was a spoiled child sometimes. People allowed that from me. But not always. Those who were my best friends...they knew the difference. When I would act out in those ways I was only scared.

K: What were you scared of?

W: It could be anything. It's what the fear does. It gives you an overcompensated feeling of power that really...it can be hurtful. I could do no wrong at times and yet I knew I was. (doing harm)

K: Did you regret your relationships with Bobby Brown?

W: Oh. That's a big topic for sure.

K: Yeah. It probably could be.

W: I was a smitten girl. I loved what we could be together. I loved our energy. It was dynamic. We had our own personal egos and our combined egos. As much as there was passion in love there could be passion in anger which was brought on my drinking or parties or drugs. He introduced me to a lot of that world and I followed him because I loved him without a doubt. Then it got to be too much. My daughter became my priority. There was jealousy that I couldn't understand. It was a child...his child. He loved her very much but he also needed his own freedoms and wanted me there with him in those. Krissy became my freedom and my only priority was bringing up my child the way my momma brought me up but it was a different time and I was a different woman.

K: What woke you up to the fact that the relationship was over?

W: My mother. My mother said enough is enough. This is your life, Whitney! She knew, as only a mother could know, that I had had enough and the only way I was going to get my act together was to move...get on with it. Stop with the destruction and start reconstruction. It was a hard thing to quit...Bobby was hard to quit. I had guilt feeling as if a man and a woman should be together for their child but I wasn't foolin' anyone pretending that something existed when it didn't. I had to be shaken by an outside force. I put my trust in my mother...my friends...my daughter and I asked God to guide me and he did.

K: There have been...I guess rumors circulating about your sexuality. I don't want to get into it. I was just surprised that this would even come up.

W: (She nods) I appreciated a woman. I appreciated the strength of a woman. Life is not easy. I leaned on the support of very good friends. As I said before, there was jealousy in my relationship with a man. I couldn't have close girlfriends without being judged or blamed. It was hard for me. At one point (shows a finger) I wondered about my feelings for my friend...one in particular which I will not say any names but she would make me feel whole when I was broken. I wondered what a special human being it was to allow another to feel completely safe in their company and I thought to myself...this is true love. For a moment I felt torn and knew that I wanted to feel that love...that I needed to feel that love and it was her that was giving it to me. Would I label myself as a bisexual woman? No. I was curious. She is my great love in friend. We share a soul. A soul mate can come in any form, regardless of gender and that relationship can appear so intimate that it makes people wonder. I wondered but I wouldn't put a label on it. It was mine regardless of the body. She was mine.

K: Thank you for that. I know, with some, it's a struggle to have to feel they need to label themselves as something when...why can't it be just what it is and that is true love regardless of anything?

W: It suffocates it. It really does. To label a friendship or a partnership or a relationship or yourself as something restricts that when we are here to discover our true natures whether it's this way for a year or that way for two (gesturing with her hands left and right). I still cannot define my love for my friend and I will not because it was true and true is the most honest way to describe any love.

K: Wow. Amazing.

W: Yes.

K: I want to speak about your death.

W: I was birthed and I died in the waters. They were very different waters.

K: Yeah. Was it suicide?

W: No. It was not suicide. It was a broken body that couldn't take anymore.

K: Did you drown?

W: No. I left before I went under.

K: I feel that's relieving.

W: It would be. Who wants to know that their loved ones drowned.

K: Very true.

W: I abused myself to escape myself and escape I did. There was no intention of taking my own life but I did.

K: What did you feel when you crossed over or when you saw yourself.

W: I sighed relief that it wasn't worse. I tried to console those who found me to tell them I was okay. Everything was okay. I was going home. People were so worried for me and when I got the award's show...they breathed a sigh of relief thinking that I was on a better track than I was. I was disillusioned about what I wanted. My voice was nowhere near where it used to be....I neglected my instrument. I was lost. I didn't know what my future held and I got scared. I over-thought many things. Many many many things and I needed relief from those. My body did not give up on me. I pushed it over the edge.

K: Was that the death that you chose before you got here or did you have....like options?

W: There are points in a person's life where they can go. Near misses, thinking death would be better. I had many. No. This was it. It was my time. I was needed back.

K: What about Bobbi Kristina?

W: I took her under my wing in more ways than one. Unknowingly I taught her how to suppress feeling. My death was sudden for her. She was left without a mother and how did she cope? She coped as her mother did when life got unfair or hard. She escaped. I was by her side every day. I was by her side when she struggled to keep going and she did try to keep going. But...when you know that it's time to go, you go. And I met her and I held her and we both had that moment of solitude, aware of what we were really doing to ourselves...there would be no fight or anything to overcome anymore. We were together. We chose each other as Spirit and we returned that way. I have no greater love than that love I have for my child and it was bitter sweet that we could be here (points down) together. Bitter though because there was a sense that we felt, from others, how we could possibly throw it away. We had to help mend many hearts that just could not understand and Krissy found the forgiveness she needed for her father...for Nick.

K: Was Nick involved in her death?

W: He was negligent.

K: Okay. Fair enough. But there's no point, really, to go into that. What's done is done.

W: Yes (nods her head) What's done is done.

K: You had a lot of great songs...Iconic songs. Loving, heartbreaking, moving, fun, upbeat. There is one song that gets played in my mind a lot and that's from that movie...When You Believe?

W: You will when you believe.... (singing)

K: That just gave me chills all over my body.

W: Because you understand the message. It was something I lacked. I needed to believe more in the power of what and who I was. I gave that to God without taking full responsibility for it. I never realized that I was here to do that and I couldn't just ignore me. (singing) Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill.

K: Did you pray?

W: Endlessly.

K: Do you think you got answers?

W: I got the answers I needed. It was the ones that I wanted that were the hardest not to get.

K: Yeah. Totally understand that.

W: But you know what? I had an amazing time. I really did. I had love. I had....music. I had the ability to touch people with my instrument and be remembered as a part of them for what I sang and what that invoked within them. I lived a blessed life. I counted my blessings. Even in the dark I counted them. I believe that's why I was able to hold on for so long....because I had love all around me. I lacked it for myself and I tried to cover that lack. Life isn't easy. (shakes head) No sir. But it's doable and I did mine. (smiles so proudly)

A lot of emotion in my chest. She's is an amazing spirit. Full of love and appreciation for her life as Whitney.

K: You certainly did. God, thank you so much for this. Please give me a private concert anytime.

W: I will Kim. I will. Thank you for having me. Thank you for giving me some of that precious time.

K: I'm honored. I really am. Take care Diva.

W: (claps hands together) Ooooo, you don't want to see that.

K: I kinda do, actually. After this...it's pretty hard to believe that about you.

W: Believe it. Bye.

K: Bye.

Blows a kiss from her heart and waves.

Conversations with Billy the Kid

May 19, 2017

I apologize in advance for my spelling. I was trying to get the accent down because it just made this conversation. He was polite. He took his time. He was honest. Life, back then, was what it was and that was okay with him. This could've gone on way longer but I think it would've gotten pretty deep into the conspiracy of him and I don't really like to do that with Spirit. His clothes looked ironed. He looked a little dressed up. He had a hat but he took it off. He wasn't a big guy. Probably a little shorter than me and slim but he was fast. The pictures he showed me...he was mentally and physically agile and I think that's what saved his ass more than a few times. He called me ma'am a lot. My depression has set in. I am now old enough to be ma'am. Here is my conversation with Billy the Kid....

B: Ma'am. (nods in greeting)

K: Okay. I don't know what to call you? Billy, William or Henry?

B: I'm Billy. I've been Billy a long time. You can call me Billy.

K: How are you?

B: I'm quite well, Ma'am. I'm just fine. It's nice to meet you.

K: It's very nice to meet you. You are quite the mystery. Do you know that?

B: Yes Ma'am. There's been a lot that has been said about what I done down there and who I was.

K: Is it all true?

B: Some's true. Some's not. It don't matter to me much though.

K: Why's that?

B: Because people will believe whatever thrills them to believe. If I gave them a little mystery to think about...I kinda like that I did.

K: Did you like to be in hiding and make people guess?

B: I kinda enjoyed the joke of it. I liked pulling the wool over someone's eyes so they were unsuspectin' of anything. Sometimes I had to do that kinda stuff to survive my life.

K: Didn't get you too far though.

B: No Ma'am. I died pretty young.

K: Did you know that it would be like that? Did you know that you did have a good chance of dying because of how you lived?

B: The risk was always there whether you were a fugitive or just a plain 'ol person. Those days came with risk for anyone. A man comes walkin' onto another man's property and they's got full permission to take a life if they look at you the wrong way. Suspicion was everywhere. You had to be suspicious of everyone.

K: So they were pretty hard times for many?

B: Yes Ma'am. Not everyone had the coins to do what they needed to do or get what they needed gettin' to live.

K: There was desperation?

B: People became desperate and paranoid.

K: Did you think that you would be living a life of crime or did your mother's death kind of cause you to become desperate and turn to crime?

B: My mamma...she tried to raise me in the proper manner. Her health...it wasn't always good so that's why we moved around. 'Cuz she needed the support of others to make sure me and my brother was properly cared for.

K: Did you think that she was going to die while you were little?

B: I was too young to understand what bein' sick was. She always smiled with us. She always kept us in a straight line... (smiles) as much as she could. I guess I kinda always had that way 'bout me. Bein' a renegade or a prankster. Thing is though...it eventually led to the way of life for me. It was how I could survive.

K: I see. Did you like your step father?

B: I didn't know him that much. He wasn't 'round much to be speakin' of knowin'. Kind of always thought that I was in the way. He never expected mamma to die like she did. He always assumed there'd be a woman to mind the kids. He wasn't used to bein' around like a father. He had other things that he wanted to do than raise children. He had dreams of richness. A lot of men had those dreams back then. There were lots of times that people would go out and search for that gold but even that was dangerous and had to be quiet like because if someone around you found out you got gold...they'd shoot you for it.

K: Wow! For real?

B: Yes Ma'am. It was best a person went for gold on their own. It wasn't always safer with a group. You go yourself or you go with a friend you can trust. People kept those they trusted real close but you had to earn that trust to be believed.

K: Did you earn the trust of those you entered a gang with. People like Jesse Evans?

B: I had to earn just like everyone else did. Jesse made me do things to make sure I was a good fit.

K: Like what?

B: Stealin' at first. I killed some later.

K: We'll get into that.

B: Yes Ma'am.

K: How did you feel about Frank Cahill?

B: I came to hate that man. He wouldn't leave me alone. What you readin'...it's true.

K: Why did he pick on you so much?

B: He said that 'cuz I was small like a woman that I could be treated like a woman. I didn't think that was fair. I never understood nothin' about that stuff. I didn't think women should be treated like that but he put me in the same group as them just because I was skinnier than most.

K: Didn't you defend yourself?

B: There was an understandin' that there were levels you had to work up to. If you just got to the ranch, you were nothin' and treated like that. If a young man came in and looked like he could lift and work and make a difference...they moved on and earned respect. I don't think I was given a fair chance like that because of what I looked like...there were lots of assumptions made about what I could and couldn't do and so I paid for that without giving me the chance to prove what I could do. I was what you might call a late bloomer. (smiles) No one liked to stand up to Frank. He was big and mean and you'd be beatin' for tryin'. There were no rules.

K: Do you think, because of the abuse, that he could've killed you?

B: Yes Ma'am. I do think so. I shot him because I needed to protect myself. It wasn't looked at like that. It was made to look like I gone 'n done it on purpose but if I didn't but a bullet in him, he would have put a fist in me. Mine would've been a slow death. His was real quick.

K: Desperation to save your own skin?

B: Yes Ma'am. Back then, it wasn't live and let live. It was do or die.

K: Wow. I'm getting a pretty different picture of those times from you.

B: I don't mean to make it all bad. There were always those families that went to church...that prayed before eatin'. Them kids got to go to school and college. That was the other side of life back then. I didn't live that side so I can only tell you how it was from my mind.

K: Yeah. I get that.

B: I had me some good friends and I called them my family and I always went back to them because it was my home and safe place.

K: That ultimately kind of screwed you though.

B: Yes Ma'am. I never considered seein' family to be a risk. I knew it was there but I never paid much attention to that possibility.

K: You just had this need to return to what you knew after running so much?

B: I had to stay...keep my sanity in some way.

K: Agreed. So after you killed Frank you were a fugitive. What was that like?

B: I needed to find refuge in the same kind of people. I did that but I had to earn a spot.

K: Did you ever go off on your own?

B: I did. I needed my independence. It was fine bein' part of a group but I got restless.

K: Did you leave on your own or were you kicked out?

B: It was a mutual understanding. I was ready to leave and they didn't want me hangin' out no more.

K: How much mutual can that get.

B: But when I left I had a turn of luck.

K: Was that John Tunstall?

B: He wanted to make me into a better man and I had time 'cuz I was still young. He was a father to me and because he gave me that second chance, I worked hard for him. He saved me from hangin' 'cuz there were people that I done wrong to that wanted me dead. People can be revengeful and think that nothin' will change with someone unless they buried. I wasn't ready to die and Mr. Tunstall...he knew that. I think he saw that I would work hard to earn his respect but I already had lots for him.

K: I feel that. I really do. He was killed?

B: Yeah. He was shot. I tried to get myself in the middle (shows with his hands) kind of like interception but it was my old gang that done it. I think they just wanted to prove to me that they were above the law and now that I was helpin' the good guys...they made sure I knew it. I got really angry.

K: No kidding. Was he really part of the good guys though?

B: Mr. Tunstall...as good as he could be. It was still leadin' that do or die...that protect all you have with your own life or with someone else's.

K: Jeez.

B: It's hard for people to think back like that and believe those things. But, it's still like that in some places it's just not with pistols or guns. It's with bigger things like bombs. There's still those gang mentalities it just shows up in different ways.

K: You are very right.

B: 'Cuz I watch it. I can see the similarities even though the act of killin' is different.

K: Was it easy to take a life?

B: When it was either him or me...it was pretty easy.

K: Did you get pleasure out of taking a life?

B: I struggled after I shot Frank. I knew that I was protectin' myself but I also saw him die. After you come off that high of protection you start shakin' real bad because you know you done somethin' terrible. The first couple were always hard. It got easier after that.

K: Easier? I never thought I'd hear that from someone. That it would be easy to kill another human being.

B: Because you can't think like that. That time and place is foreign. It became easy to kill because in those moments it was either him or me. I wasn't ready for it to be me. I decided to take the upper hand with the people that tried to take that from me.

K: Do you believe...now...that you need to kill to take back your power?

B: No Ma'am. It's not a belief of mine and I made peace with that part of my life. I understood that I had a lot of fear and I got frustrated a lot. I was impatient in terms of my safety so I acted without thought sometimes.

K: Were you reactive?

B: Yes Ma'am. I was. A shot fired would send me thirty feet into the air if I didn't see it comin'. (grins and laughs)

K: Were you trigger happy?

B: With people?

K: Yes.

B: I was trigger happy with warning shots but if I had it in my mind that it was do or die...I aimed and fired.

K: Did you have good aim?

B: I believe I did.

K: Good for you.

B: (laughs) Ma'am, can I call you Kimberly?

K: Of course.

B: I like your sense of humor.

K: Well I'm tickled.

B: (laughs) I know it's 'cuz it's hard to understand.

K: Yeah. It is and I don't judge. It's just so interesting to me how life worked like that. I guess in some cases it still does.

B: Yeah.

K: Did you have a conscience?

B: (nods) You're askin' if I was heartless?

K: Kinda.

B: I still knew love. I'd lie awake at night and think if my life could've been different. I made some choices that made my road long and tough. I could've lived differently if John (Tunstall) hadn't died. I think that was a turnin' point. I had a lot of anger after that 'cuz that was my chance and it was stolen.

K: In a minute...I want to talk about the ladies.

B: Kiss 'n tell?

K: Sure.

B: Alright.

Had to take a short break.

K: Nights get lonely.

B: Yeah, they do get lonely.

K: Were you ever in a committed relationship?

B: (shakes head) There were a couple ladies that I had the pleasure of visitin' but I knew real quick that I couldn't give a life to any woman so I made it clear to myself that it was only to fill a night or two and then I had to move on. I had to keep movin'.

K: Were there any that you thought about a lot?

B: Yes Ma'am. There were. I had my heart stolen once or twice. I fell fast.

K: Was it need that made you fall fast?

B: When someone's gentle with you...You can't help but to fall.

K: Understood. Have any juniors hangin' around that you didn't know about?

B: Yes.

K: Wow. Cool. Surprised that you admitted that. You were eventually captured and sentenced to hang. Did you shit your britches or what?

B: (laughing) I did.

K: You escaped though.

B: It was because of that shit in my britches.

I am laughing! Too funny.

K: How long did you actually think you'd be free? I mean...they cracked down hard.

B: I was the bull's eye. I was hunted for a long time. They needed it done. It's hard to hunt down a fugitive. It's never impossible but there was none of that technology that there is now-a-days. I never wanted a hangin'. I'd rather be shot.

K: That was not your preferred way of death?

B: No. I seen that with my own eyes. It's awful.

K: Is that a big reason why you wanted escape. Was because of hanging?

B: I wasn't scared to die. When you live like I did...you can't be scared to die. It was the way of death that had me runnin' scared.

K: I'm sorry. I find that kind of amusing.

B: To be scared of the how?

K: Yes.

B: We all have our own fears about that.

K: I guess we do. So you escaped and hid out for a week or two. Did you know you were kind of screwed?

B: I was expectin' something at every corner.

K: Did you know that you would never make it back to a jail cell?

B: I knew it was shoot on site.

K: When you went back to where you...I think you knew they'd be waiting for you?

B: I knew they were waitin' somewhere. I just didn't know and I got tired. When a person gets tired of the life they live they get stupid for a reason. I lived without thinkin' my entire life. At that point...I wasn't thinkin' at all except for the possibility of survival.

K: Which...?

B: Wasn't possible at that point.

K: Did you die that night? There's some thought that it was a set up and you escaped.

B: (shakes head) I died that night.

K: Was it fast?

B: It was a good shot. I didn't suffer.

K: And that's how you wanted it.

B: Yes, Ma'am. It was. I stared down pistols for as long as I can remember. I knew it would be by bullet that I would go and by no other way.

K: I just see you laying there with a friggin' smile on your face.

B: 'Cuz now I could rest.

K: Did you believe in a heaven or a hell?

B: Didn't know much about those things. I thought it would be hell. Kinda thought hell would be fun 'cuz I didn't know exactly what that meant.

K: When did you know it wasn't like that?

B: When I saw my mamma.

Getting emotional in my chest.

K: Wow.

B: And then I knew this must be heaven 'cuz I never believed my mamma could go to some hell.

K: Yeah. What do you think you had to learn as your life as Billy the Kid?

B: Desperation. That was my lesson. I had to experience desperation and that part of life.

K: Did you have happy moments?

B: Livin'?

K: Yeah.

B: Sure. There's always somethin' happy. I had a good time. It was what I got used to and I made the best out of that. You could say I lived on that edge...I liked it there. I never considered myself a desperate man until I got here and looked at it.

K: That is so cool. What was it like to see the truth of it all?

B: Like someone punched me in the gut, surprise like. Not in a bad way. Just in that shocking way. I never felt like I messed up or nothin'. It was just what my life was like and how that ultimately brought me here.

K: Wakeup call?

B: I never liked them roosters. Never wanted to wake up to a racket like that. Here...I didn't mind.

K: This was pretty awesome Billy.

B: Yes Ma'am. It was. I'm awfully grateful to you Kimberly. Thanks for taking your time with me. I appreciate your kindness.

K: I appreciate yours. It was fun. I like how you talk all slow like. (Imitating his drawl)

B: (Boyish grin) I was a little worried you wouldn't understand me. I probably talked slower than I had to.

K: It's all good. Thanks Billy.

B: Good bye.

K: Bye.

But it wasn't really bye because he hung out with me for a few hours after. Awesome kid.

Conversations with Paul Walker - Remaining Connected to Your Spirit

May 23, 2017

P: Hey Mrs.

K: Hey Mr. How's things?

P: Things are...they're really good. How are you?

K: Busy.

P: I see that.

K: What brings you around?

P: (clears throat) Missed you a little bit.

K: Aw. (Sweetie Pie) I have no words. We've kind of been passing ships lately. Sorry about that.

P: (waves it off) It's all good. But I'm here now. What about a little conversation.

K: What'd you have in mind?

P: I don't know. Anything.

K: What about if we continued a part B to that one about Bridging the Gap. I've been using that message a lot lately.

P: Because it's important.

K: Yeah. You said that.

P: (smiles) I'll never stop.

K: I hope not. There was a part in that conversation where you were talking about the connection with the spirit within the human...I think.

P: Yeah.

K: Do you want to chat about that for a few minutes.

P: We could. (nods rubbing his bottom lip) We should keep it pretty simple. Something that people can do in their everyday lives to stay connected to their own spirit.

K: How did you fair in that when alive?

P: That was my happiness chill factor. Trying not to take things so seriously. Not allowing myself to take things out on people but walkin' it off. Stuff like that. Martial arts helped me a lot in those ways. To just stay connected to what was at that moment. I had a real...discipline for myself to fly off the handle in private but I kept the tools that I needed for myself to stay level headed close by.

K: And what was that?

P: Friends...my family...my daughter. I found that support system whether it be in that acting world or in my personal world...I always had that support system in place for myself so I had that anchor to stay true to who I was in my professional life and who I was in my family life and it kept me in that mentality that this world has given me a lot and I can take nothing for granted. It was being able to sit in that place of being grateful for everything that I had done and what I was living that did it for me. It kept me connected to that love factor that everyone talks about.

K: So being grateful for your human existence is helpful?

P: How hard is it to just say thank you. Those two words...even said in the mind acknowledging how much a life is giving to a person every single day...if you're grateful for getting out of that bed every morning what's wrong with just giving a little bit of thanks.

K: Even to others.

P: Especially to others.

K: Would you say that staying connected to your own spirit would also be to live in authenticity of who you really are without feeling the need to apologize for it? I mean, if you're out to be a dick smack that's totally different but if you're living and working and making a life for yourself with that authentic self...would that then be continuing to connect with your spirit self?

P: I think it has a lot to do with that but I also think it has a lot to do with being grateful, being aware of the world around you...a certain amount of humbleness never killed anyone. I think leaving the narcissistic tendencies aside and just being that kid that used to run around and play 'till they dropped. It's all connecting that true love...that kid that never told a lie and ran up to their parent and squeezed them for no reason just because they wanted to and there was no inhibitions in the way of making that connection happen. I think it ties in with a lot of those factors. There's not just one ingredient that will keep a person connected to their spirit in this life. I think it's just realizing that it's never a separate thing.

K: Who was the biggest influence in making you look at spirit in regards to the human aspect of that; living with that spirit within that just radiated out?

P: That's a good question.

K: I know because you had a lot of examples of that but let's talk about friends.

P: Uh...Ty...Tyrese did that for me. He was so connected to love man. He just radiated and taught it and chose to be an example of that time and time again. Always smiling, always caring, always playin'. (nods remembering) He did. He taught me spirit and we had different beliefs. We came from different worlds but with him (shakes his head smiling) there was never any separation. It was spirit to spirit. Heart to heart. Yeah. Ty did that.

K: Wow. That's so fantastic.

P: I mean, I have qualities that I took with me from all of those around that I considered family even if they weren't blood. They all had their way of teaching certain aspects of who I am as a man...as a father and a brother...even as a son. Every person that came into my life was an opportunity to learn something more about who I was and the life I was living as Paul.

K: That is amazing how connected you were to all these people.

P: But that also shows how connected you can be with yourself because all these people that come into your life reflect who you are and if you just gave people the chance to be with you...even if it's just for a little bit, you get so much that you can take with you in your life and that with being grateful and living with an ounce of authenticity...that's staying connected.

K: What about honoring your own space as a person. Like let's say a person has no one and yet they are still so connected that it shines on their face. Do you have to have tons of friends and family to show how connected you are to love or can you look at it like you can be connected to yourself in those ways as you connect to...some people it's animals, some people it's nature. I don't know if I'm explaining it as well as I should.

P: Connecting to spirit has no bearing on who is in your life. Those are just examples of every different side of who you are. It's being cool with how that shows up in the world. If your arrogance is taking over, that's remaining disconnected to all of you. If you choose to continue needing praise and glory through narcissism or abuse or whatever it is...that's remaining disconnected. Being connected to your spirit while in human form has no guilt attached to it. Has no pressure. Has no shame. Being connected has nothing to do with feeling lack or unworthiness. It's standing a little taller and walking a little straighter and smiling just because you can and loving and respecting every opportunity, person, or circumstance that's handed to you for whatever reason. It's not flying off the handle but keepin' your cool and trusting yourself enough to be able to handle life in that integral and authentic manner as that proverbial leader. It's all of that and it's hard to do.

K: Being still.

P: Yes. Time out. It doesn't necessarily mean sitting for forty minutes crossed legs and eyes closed. It's enjoying those solitary moments and being okay in that place where it feels empty. There's no such thing as emptiness. There's space and a feeling of having to fill that space every moment with action. But there's also a space where it's one on one time with you whatever that looks like. Those are times to take to connect and not be on the phone and not be at the clubs or whatever. It's those space moments that gives us the chance to reconnect with ourselves without the life noise getting in the way.

K: I totally get that and I think those flighty or unresponsive people have kind of gone numb to feeling connected to that spirit part of them but sometimes people try so darn hard to be connected that they kind of escape that space feeling as if it needs to be filled with doing.

P: Yeah. 100%

K: So if one was to remain connected to their own spirit in life would that, then, make it easier to connect to the unseen around them?

P: (nods while thinking to himself) Yeah. That's the start. For sure. How is one supposed to connect to any spirit or angel when the thing that connects them is their own (spirit) but they neglect that looking for the easy way.

K: But to you now, it is easy.

P: Yeah but I don't sit here and forget what that human life feels like or looks like. Nah man. I get it. But if there's issues or feelings of being uncomfortable with connecting to what you decided to be born into...that being life on earth then to connect with something more than that is going to be a little more difficult. That'll make the way for doubt and distrust.

K: Why are you saying condescending to me?

P: That's just a way a person makes themselves feel better for what they fear they lack.

K: What does that have to do with connecting with their spirit.

P: You think someone who's telling another they got shit for brains is going to be in any shape to connect with their own spirit?

K: I guess not.

P: But it's a pattern. It's a learned behavior.

K: How does one come out of that learned behavior.

P: Gotta get off that karmic wheel of never ending abuse. Either to self or to others but you gotta choose to jump off that sinking ship and be rescued by something a lot lighter than an anchor like that.

K: Got it. I feel like we got off track a little.

P: So call it coffee talk.

K: How is Anton?

P: Real good. He doesn't stop.

K: That's awesome. Anything else on connecting with your own spirit or anything else in general.

P: Just a shout out.

K: Oh yeah? People you've been checking in on?

P: Yeah. I like to keep my eye on things.

K: I know you do. Who are you shoutin' out to tonight?

P: Tonight we're givin' love to Joel. Joel, man, you're killin' it. (fist pump) True champ. Sendin' love to Joel.

K: He'll love it. He will.

P: Cool dude.

K: Awesome. Is that it for now?

P: For now. Miss me.

K: Always.

P: Love ya.

K: Love ya back. Take care Paul.

(kisses fingers and offers them to everyone)

Conversations with Paul Walker – Little Bit on Belief, Reaction and Reflection

June 26, 2017

P: Hey Kim.

K: Hey Paul.

P: Something's missing.

K: What's that.

P: Cut and re-do.

K: It's cut.

P: Hey Mrs.

K: Hey Mr.

P: What's today...as if I didn't know.

K: I think it's going to be a few different things.

P: Oh yeah?

K: Yeah because I don't think they're long topics.

P: Could be. Depends on how much we decide to ramble on.

K: This is true.

P: Comfortable?

K: Better. Okay. I want to get into belief a little bit.

P: Belief about what?

K: I feel there's...when it comes to this whole Spirit communication thing...from anyone...or spirituality in general, I feel that there is a certain amount of belief that lacks and not for lack of trying.

P: Communicating with Spirit is pretty much based in belief. Belief is what's gonna drive it home.

K: I know. I feel like there's an aspect of...someone has to tell another how to do it according to what works for this someone but it doesn't work for them and so that frustration takes hold and it's this cycle of question.

P: With no real answers.

K: Yes.

P: From my point of view...and I hope people take this the 'right' way. (uses air quotes) Anything is possible. Whatever a person can think up can happen.

K: But this is contingent on belief that it can.

P: The proof is in...let's take worry for a second.

K: Okay.

P: That fear that a person had playing over and over and over in their brain. Eventually it becomes tangible...it becomes real and what's making that real is the belief that it exists. So if people have such an easy time believing that their fears are warranted or that they will come true...whether it be the fear of abandonment or too good to be true or that company's faltering so we're all gonna lose our jobs...that comes true to a certain extent. Abandonment in some shape or form becomes. The too good to be true usually is and the person loses their job. It just got thought of so much that it eventually became a belief and put those wheels in motion for that outcome. It's harder for people to think that the good stuff is true. That's where that saying came from...too good to be true.

K: So how does a person start really believing in the good or the 'impossible' or that what seems evil is really part of love?

P: To me...it's pretty simple. Start talking yourself into the good stuff too. Even if it makes a person roll their eyes...talk yourself into it.

K: Is that like affirmations?

P: It is but affirmations are supported by a person's belief in them. You can't just look at yourself and tell yourself you're awesome without believing it first.

K: Belief and self-esteem?

P: They parallel. For sure. (rubbing his hands slowly together while watching them)

K: Is this part of a duality thing?

P: There's always going to be duality in anything. You're given an opportunity to believe in something, doubt's gonna make its presence known but you (me/Kim) tell people about acknowledging those dualistic emotions. It's about realizing that they exist but it's also about realizing that there's discernment and then there's flat out doubt. Doubt's gonna make a person feel weak. You can feel the physical just get weaker with that doubt aspect. Discernment is the empowering part. It's gonna put the ball in your court so what are you gonna do with that ball? Are you gonna let someone else tell you what part of the court that ball wants to bounce or are you gonna shoot hoops. Your call.

K: Okay.

P: Look at religion. There's a certain way that any religion is practiced based on the fundamentals of that religion. But at the end of the day...it's a personal belief system that shapes that religion for the person and not the congregation. A person can go pray in that building or do all the ceremonies step by step but the personal belief with a person's heart and mind is going to shape their faith and the way they express that in those lines of that religion.

K: Makes sense.

P: So you can take spirituality and any practice under that umbrella but it's the belief in whatever you want that to look like for you that's gonna shape that. Some people are gonna say that this person isn't ready to go deeper because they skipped step B to get to C but the thing is...that person that says you're not ready...they needed those steps when the person they're talking to...probably didn't because they're already at K.

K: And why is that person already at K.

P: Because they believed they could be and so all those other letters didn't need to happen. No one person can tell you how to be spiritual or connect. They can coach...they can guide. They can share experiences but that person that's at K...they took that and they discerned what they needed and what they didn't need and they went about it according to their spirit and their personal experience and the way they see the world and energy and ghosts or whatever. That's why it's so messed up sometimes. That's why it's so doubted because it's personal. Belief is personal and if a person is going to go see a medium or a coach or whatever to grow in their spirituality...what's driving it is the belief they have in themselves to experience what they've chosen to experience and how another can connect with that. If a person's goin' into a class or a workshop or a reading or whatever it is...and they're going with a truck load of doubt that they didn't drop off at the door...that experience won't be what it could be. Same goes for the people on the other end. If you lost your belief in what you're teaching people or a reading for someone is the last thing you want to do because it's in the way...it'll play out like that. Belief is personal and not based on anyone else but the believer and yeah...there are levels to it. It's not a standstill thing though. It's a continuing motion. It grows the more you decide to use it so if someone feels they're at this stand still or this crossroads...it's doesn't have anything to do with anyone else except that guy and even if they went for a coaching or a reading or a class or whatever it is they feel they need to do to come out of that...if your belief is shaken it won't have that great of an effect.

K: Is this more of a time of reflection then?

P: Definitely it's a time to look back on a journey and see what no longer needs to be packed.

K: It can be a little nerve-racking to let that packed stuff go.

P: It just makes room for new awareness and a bigger sense of personal truth.

K: So belief can't be compared.

P: That big word...that big definition can be compared. It's the side roads...it's the intricacies of belief that can't be compared. They can be shared but they will also be discerned by everyone and that's where the differences are.

K: People feel the need to be right when talking about Spirituality.

P: And that's cool. It's part of their process but this is where the whole right and wrong thing...it's hard. No one can say what's right and wrong. A person isn't completely aware 100% of the time so they look for that from us or from prayer or from their religion. It's all cool and it's never wrong. It's always for the experience of that moment where a person is going to continue to believe in this person or their...way of thought or they're gonna decide...I've learned enough to believe in what I'm feeling or what I'm thinking now. Then it just grows from there.

K: Thank you for that.

P: A path is always going to be carved by someone else in the beginning of a journey but sooner or later...you're gonna carve your own and that's the cool thing. That's the grid. It continuously grows on itself by belief and sharing those (beliefs) while people make their own way by their own heart and their own truth.

K: Totally agree. You make it seem so simple though.

P: Yeah. It can be but it can be really hard too. There are some...and I see them right now...they gather all this cool information about that term...spirituality and they try to incorporate it as theirs or they try to teach it as theirs with a little bit of a spin on it and they come to a point where it becomes desperate because they believed it...but at some point a person's gotta realize that information is there to spark something that's within you...personally...and that's belief in you so once you're at that crossroads what's it gonna be? Are you gonna start shaping you and what you know to be you and your truth and your love under that umbrella of belief or are you gonna stick to another's version of truth and constantly play the game of is this true or is this real.

K: Hhhmmm.

P: I'm not here to present to people that what they believe is false. Absolutely not. I'm not that guy. I'm just here to light a fire of personal belief that could work with what you've learned and grown from already.

K: Yes. I get that. I totally get that. I can't see you ever telling someone what to believe.

P: Not my gig. I'll support people in their choices but I won't tell 'em how or when or why...well, maybe a little why. (grins)

K: It's all about the why's.

P: Discernment. Question. Know. Compromise. Trust. All that comes with why.

K: We were going to talk about reaction.

P: Yeah.

K: I'm not sure what to ask about it.

P: It's that first emotion or that first choice of emotion.

K: Is it always emotion?

P: Look at the reaction.

K: This is going to be confusing.

P: It's that first gut feeling and where it's going to take you.

K: Let's look at 'good' reaction vs. 'bad' reaction.

P: Okay. When comparing...yeah...I'm showing you pictures that are hard to translate.

K: Yes. You have to give it to me in words.

P: That first punch of a bad reaction is always gonna come from that place of fearing what that other person is trying to do and trying to block it or fight it and it happens immediately. It's that whole fight or flight response. There you go. Reaction is a response to something a person perceives as good or bad.

K: See what happens when you use your words Paul. It just flows.

P: Keep up then.

K: I'm trying.

P: So when a person responds it's really showing what that sympathetic or parasympathetic nervous system...what state that's in.

K That's a big word. Maybe pics would be better.

P: Bear with me. You can tell when someone has that ability to control that nervous system because they have an easy breath and it's long and it flows and it's steady and the response isn't right away. It's like...you can see a pause.

K: Yes.

P: You can see a sort of absorption of the info that they're given and they decide what to do with that.

K: Yes.

P: Then you see the people with the short breath and they are yellin' and screamin' and cryin' and blamin'...all that stuff.

K: But sometimes that's how people deal with shock.

P: Different thing all together. I'm talking about the fight...that response to someone coming at a person with accusations or judgement or hate.

K: Okay. Yeah.

P: If a person is one to fly off the handle...which we all are at some point...there's just a reminder about remembering your feet, where are you standing and are you all in your head or are you really grounded to the earth so that you don't get whipped up by that emotional reaction. Are you the type to engage in drama and if so, why? Why is it so easy to give away your control like that to someone when to remain in your control is the power that they wish to take.

K: I see that. So how do we remain in control instead of flying off the handle?

P: A person who is more grounded and more aware of their environment and the people in that are going to be able to control it better. When people are more aware of their body and how their train of thought works...they're going to be more aware of what they can take and what they can't. If people are more aware of the people and situations of their daily environments and they can see patterns or they can identify with what's not really for them...they will be less willing to engage in those conflicts.

K: Would breathing exercises or...meditation or some sort of physical activity to get in touch with the body's responses come in handy?

P: Oh yeah. To engage in activities that will allow a person to get to know themselves better and how to get in touch with themselves better would then allow them that opportunity of pause and reflect and then respond and it's not a long process. It's one of these calm... seeing and feeling seconds in ridiculous slow motion abilities.

K: Like Robert Downy Jr. in those Sherlock Holmes movies.

P: There you go and what happens? He is so aware in those few seconds that he knows exactly how to respond to come out the other side wiser and better prepared.

K: What about 'good' reactions?

P: If you look at both...you can see the difference. Someone's going into a surprise that's amazing...there's a slight pause, a step back, a shock that is...responding to the love of other people. You can see the pause and the absorption of that. Yeah, you have the screamers and the criers but those reactions are in response to love and love can make people so joyous that they can't help but cry or scream or laugh or whatever. Those fear-based...fight or flight reactions...there's no pause. It's just right there in your face flying off the handle storm is coming response.

K: Yeah. I notice the pause in a surprise or good news or whatever. It's not BAM. It's ssslllooowww BAM.

P: Exactly.

K So get in touch with your body and your emotions as a way to curb that fight or flight.

P: Yeah and when doing that, a person won't be so quick to pass judgement either.

K: Makes sense.

P: Because it's me.

K: You can make some sense. Anything else on reaction?

P: Don't be so quick to pass judgement. I think that's a big one. No one really knows another person and just because they find it so easy to get wrapped up in a personal storm doesn't mean that you have to be so quick to join them. It may feel exhilarating at first but that shit's exhausting.

K: Yes. Could it also...like a 'bad' reaction...could that be based in reflection as well?

P: There's a little bit of that...yeah.

K: People reflecting back to you a fear or an anger or...

P: Whatever it is that you're showing on your surface...that's what's going to be reflected back to you. Buddy's walkin' down the street and has a scowl on his face...he'll part those crowds like Moses. Smiles attract smiles. What you put out...you get. Unless you're face to face with compassion...with those people who are the face of compassion. They'll stop you and see if you need a hand.

K: Yes. There are a few people with the ability to take what you're giving out and heal that before it reflects back to you.

P: Or they're there to stop you in your tracks and show you a mirror. It's not always welcomed. It's the hard work a person's gotta do but it's worth it.

K: Is the mirror sometimes that change in perspective?

P: It's a chance to see choice.

K: Ah.

P: What would happen if you were hit with a sudden realization that what you wish to see in the world...you be an example of that.

K: But it's not all flowers and sunshine all the time.

P: Nope. I get that but it's realizing when it's having an impact on your day and the day of others...that's when that mirror is usually handed to a person to make a choice to continue or not to continue and flip the switch.

K: When a person flips the switch...

P: When a person makes a conscious decision to flip a switch or break free...they're taking those, closest to them, with them and that's where that ripple effect happens.

K: Ah. So be aware of thought and be aware of that energy that you're presenting.

P: If a person puts their best foot forward...others will too and it's a win win.

K: Cool. Very cool. Anything else?

P: I'm good. Just want to say hey to all those people who are visiting the site and reading the messages and giving us a chance to reconnect with you. It's awesome and I don't...it's an awesome opportunity to still be involved with everyone. So I'm givin' a shout out to all those readers out there who take the time to connect back with us. It means a lot.

K: Yeah. I have a great bunch of people in this little community.

P: We do. (winks) Have a good one Kim. See you soon.

K: See you soon.

P: Love ya.

K: Love ya back.

Kisses fingers and offers them to everyone.

Conversations with 9 year old Owen

June 23, 2017

As I get introduced to stuff on my journey, there's some spirits that I share and some that I don't. I wrote a book titled Only A Boy and as much as I have a special relationship to all of my books, this one is very precious to me. I wrote this book long before I began channeling anyone but knew in my heart of hearts that the character of the book would be named Owen. Little did I realize that it was coming from a place that I used to be, am and where I have known Owen before. He's been hanging out for a couple of weeks...well longer than that but we've been interacting more and more. He's been curious about speaking but we never knew what to talk about so I just kept it simple. Just like a child. I believe it's important for people to know that children are never ever separate from us even if physically they aren't 'around'. Essentially, that goes for everyone but kids....whether their passing was when younger or older, a parent is still a parent regardless of when a child has passed and they will continue to always be your child.

P: You wanna bring Owen in now?

K: I do want to bring in Owen now.

P: (grins) He's a little nervous.

K: Aw. He doesn't have to be.

A child comes in with his hands in his pockets and sits beside Paul at the edge of a sofa with his hands still hidden. Paul ruffles his hair a little bit.

K: Why are you nervous Owen?

O: (shrugs) Not sure what to say. (takes a while for him to answer)

K: Do you want to say anything?

O: Yeah.

K: Well, okay. No one bites here. I'll let you in on a secret though. Some people believe that you (Spirit) bite.

O: (smirks) I know.

K: Well, we've known each other for a bit now. I was surprised to meet you and hear your name. That book is extremely close to my heart. I had no idea the name came from somewhere...that I didn't know about at the time.

O: I sorta wanted to be...(sighs) I sorta wanted to let you see me but as much as I tried it wasn't...I guess it wasn't time yet so I helped with that book because Simon said that would be a way for me to sorta do that.

K: But you weren't the character.

O: (shakes head) No. That's not my life or anything.

K: Why did you come to me?

O: Simon says I'm supposed keep your privacy.

K: That's okay.

P: Yeah, Owen. We're all family here. People that read these are all family.

K: I've introduced people to other lives. No reason why those from other lives can't be interviewed a little bit to share with people that we're still very much involved with each other in different ways, right?

O: Okay. Then I came because we were together in a life. That was my last life. I was a child then and came here as this. (He looks down at his 'body'. His hands are still in his pockets.)

K: So let's get the details out of the way. When did you pass away?

O: 1921.

K: How did you die?

O: I was riding my bike and I got hit by a car.

K: You showed me the bike. The bikes, back then, are super cool.

O: I loved my bike. I got it for my birthday.

K: Before the days of helmets.

O: Yeah. (starting to get comfortable)

K: How old were you?

O: Nine.

K: And you present to me like a nine year old but do you have other lives as an adult?

O: Oh yeah. I have lots but I come here like you'll recognize me.

K: Well, that takes some effort on my part though.

O: But it's not my face. It's my energy.

K: Yes. I've seen you watching me in the mornings, sometimes, before I started channeling.

O: (grins) Yeah. That's my favorite time to come. That's when I can show myself and you'll say hi. Other times it can get hard because there's too much other stuff in the way.

K: What is the difference between a child's energy and an adult energy...what do you think?

O: (shrugs) I just come as me...or how you know me.

K: That's true. I find a child's energy is....more playful? More innocent. There's a quality of lightness to it that seems lighter than an adult if that makes sense. It's like a feeling where...oh I don't know. Running through a sprinkler in summer or building snowmen in winter.

O: I love snowmen. But I didn't have any brothers or sisters to help me roll the bottom so it could get heavy.

K: Fair enough. Is there a reason why you showed yourself now?

O: Um...it's easier now. There's a lot of kids that find it easier to connect back to people 'cuz people understand more.

K: Understand what?

O: That we can't stay gone. We can't just disappear forever. We have our moms and our dads that come back and sometimes we have to let that happen but we still need our moms and dads so we go to them even if they don't know or even if they do.

Feeling emotional in my chest.

K: But you have other moms and dads too.

O: Yeah and we spread out that way. But sometimes I think that our moms and dads need us even when they don't know us and we get called angels which makes us feel really good.

K: I'm sure.

O: If people think that kids...from any life...can come and see them it's sometimes easier if they believe it to be angels.

K: But you are. (an angel)

O: (grins) Thanks.

K: What do you do over there?

O: Uh...anything. I still like to ride my bike. Now they have bikes with engines in them that are small enough for me.

K: Like dirt bikes?

O: Yeah. I like to ride those.

K: Oh boy. Well, at least there's no harm there.

O: I like to see other kids go on those tracks and I ride with them even if they don't know I'm there.

K: Just to see how it is here?

O: Yeah and if I can...I try to steer them. It's mostly when the person I'm riding with almost turns the wrong way and then I can correct it so they don't get hurt.

K: Ah. So you're kind of like a guardian.

O: Sometimes.

K: Would you consider yourself I guide?

O: Mmmm...Sometimes.

K: Do you watch over other kids?

O: I mostly go to moms and dads. I mostly help them when they lose kids like me.

K: (choked up. very sweet) Wow Owen. That's really amazing.

O: I just saw...when I left how hard...how hard my mom took it because my dad died too so she was alone and I didn't like to see her so sad especially when I was good. I was even clean.

K: You didn't keep yourself clean when alive?

O: (smiled) I liked to play a lot and I got dirty sometimes.

K: All boy.

O: Yeah.

K: As a child...what was your transition like?

O: I wasn't by myself. I had a woman and a man with me right away.

K: Who were they?

O: I guess they were guides. What people call guides?

K: Did you recognize them.

O: (shakes head) nuh-uh.

K: Did you see your dad?

O: I saw him after. I had to see my mom but that man and woman were with me. I knew what happened I just had trouble understanding.

K: Understanding what?

O: That my mom couldn't see me but I could see her.

K: What was it like seeing your dad?

O: (smiles) We hugged each other. I missed my dad but when he died...I didn't know we'd get to see each other so soon.

K: So you both died quite close together?

O: Yeah.

K: I guess I called you in because I wanted to let people know that when children pass away that they are well taken care of. Could you even say more so than adults?

O: Um...I don't think so. I think people are taken care of really good but kids sort of sometimes need extra help to understand because we still have that kid way of thinking. So, I think kids just have more help getting to where they're supposed to go. (speaking from his experience)

K: Because they need that extra comfort.

O: I kind of thought I was in a dream. I kind of thought that when the car hit me that I was waking up from a dream from that life and it was all not real but then I figured out it was the other way around.

K: Was it pretty easy to get back to your dimensional normal because you were only nine when you died?

O: Um...yeah. I think so.

K: When I was studying Chinese Medicine, I read that animals and children have untouched Qi so their energy is more pure than...let's say someone that's lived until they're fifty or something. So if I were to look at that in terms of passing...would some sort of life review even be needed?

O: Like that thing that you get when you do that...see what happened and know why?

K: Yeah.

O: I didn't really have one. I did talk with my dad and he explained a lot of why and showed me a lot of things that I needed to see to understand and he taught me how to go back and see my mom and my grandma and grandpa. My grandma could see me and we talked but she kept it to herself because my mom didn't want to hear that I was there.

K: She probably didn't know what to believe.

O: Yeah but my grandma helped me get messages through in her own way that wouldn't upset my mom.

K: And what was it like when you saw your mom again?

O: I ran very fast to her. I was the first one she saw.

Damn it! Feeling emotional again.

K: Have you been back as a human since then?

O: (shakes head) No.

K: Not feelin' the need?

O: I'm okay here now.

K: Do you see yourself in what we would call our future coming back?

O: Yes. I do.

K: That's good. Just not in my now.

O: No.

K: Cool. Is there anything else you'd like to say in regards to yourself or where you are?

O: Um...I guess that...I want us to be able to recognize each other again. I think it's important that people know that it's not over.

K: What's not over, Owen?

O: Life. It hurts for people to think that we can't ever be together because we're (spirit) are one way and people are one way and it has to stay in different rooms.

K: Did you think that? When your dad died, did you believe that you would never see him again?

O: (shrugs) I didn't know. I just wanted to be good for my mom so I didn't think a lot about my dad unless he was in my dreams or something.

K: Did you feel you had to be the 'man of the house' when your dad left?

O: Yeah. That's what my grandpa said but my mom still wanted me to have fun so she bought me my bike. It was my birthday present.

K: You said that. (very excited about his bike) Was that your escape? From the sadness of losing your dad?

O: No. I liked going for candies. My grandpa wanted candy too so he sent me to the store with some money and I could get anything I wanted.

K: He spoiled you.

O: (giggles) He wasn't supposed to eat candy and the only way he could was to send me to get it so my grandma thought it was only for me.

K: Ah. Understood. Who do you hang out with over there?

O: Everyone. I have lots of friends. I like fishing.

K: Who do you fish with?

O: I fish with my dad and my grandpa.

K: When do you see your mom? The spirit of her since she's living here?

O: All the time. We're a part of each other just like I'm a part of my dad and my grandparents. It's not separate in the way you would think it.

K: Ah. And what about this guy? (motioning to Paul)

O: We ride dirt bikes!

I'm laughing out loud.

K: Are you serious???

P: The kid wants to ride a dirt bike. Who am I to say no.

K: I wasn't expecting that. That was funny.

I'm a little stumped with other questions because I was thrown off course by that. Totally out of the blue.

K: Okay. Well who am I to stop the fun. Thanks Owen. This was good. See, it wasn't too bad.

O: (looking sheepish) I guess.

K: You're very sweet. You feel so...constantly in love.

O: I am. I like to share it.

P: He's a happy guy.

K: Why wouldn't he when he can race dirt bikes.

O: There's lots I try to do. I want to do as much as I can 'cuz then I get to bring those experiences with me when I decide to go back.

K: And see what fits and what doesn't.

O: Or what I want to be when I grow up.

When he says it like that, there's some tug on the heart strings because he speaks in a way that is very childlike and still...even though I'm sure he knows...wonders what he wants to be when he's an adult.

K: Enjoy Owen. Thank you. I'll see you soon okay.

O: Okay. (waves) I'll come and get you.

K: Good. I wouldn't want anyone else. It's always nice to see you in the mornings.

O: Bye.

K: Bye Owen. See you Paul.

P: See you, Kim.

Conversations with George Michael

June 28, 2017

Opening....what to give you guys as an opening. He is a really straight up, down to earth, incredibly handsome man. Really. I mean, I liked WHAM! and I enjoyed his solo music when it came on the radio but didn't know much about how giving, loving and compassionate he could be and his energy feels that way as well. When it was over, I just felt like I came home from a coffee date with a friend. When 'celebrities' drop in...I can never get over the expectation that there would be some sort of 'bling' attached. Sometimes there is. But most times it's just a guy or girl that stood in front of a camera or sang a song because it's what they liked to do but it wasn't who they really were. This is one of those times. Here is my conversation with George Michael....

G: That's a nice guy.

K: Who?

G: The guy that just gave me the green light.

K: That's Simon. He's fantastic. It's nice to meet you. How are you George?

G: I'm fantastic.

K: Could you be more specific? (teasing)

G: (smiles) How could a person get more specific than that. It's good to meet you. It's good to be welcomed here.

K: As much as I liked your music, I have to say I was really young...I think grade five maybe six when WHAM! was releasing all those fun songs. So I couldn't say that I was really really into your music. Did you have a really big fan base around the world or did it take off from the UK first?

G: The UK gave us a leg up and the music scene is really cool there. It's really a place that...even more so today...there's a level of expression that is more acceptable in Europe than there is, sometimes, in North America. I used that as an advantage. I wanted to write music that maybe made people think or become aware of certain issues that was the world as we knew it to be. When I was part of WHAM!...that was the fun but I never lost sight of what issues were of the world and how could I draw attention to those.

K: Band-Aid...Do They Know It's Christmas...was that song part of that for you? Was that cause a part of that for you?

G: I felt that the world was turning a blind eye to the issues of starvation and...torture that these people were going through. I wanted to be a part of a rescue, I guess you could call it that. There were some problems with that as well for as much money was given to aid these people in Africa...and many other places that needed it, that money couldn't always be distributed in proper ways. Sometimes governments got in the way...violence. It was horrendous for them and to this day they still require help because it hasn't been wiped away. I feel very passionate for helping where I can and could...to some extent.

K: You are a pretty standup guy. I was doing a little reading...I don't do much. It's just to get an idea but I had no idea how much you gave of yourself. Anonymous money to help even one person you heard of through some show or some article and you were there with a hand out. Why?

G: I could feel the hopelessness in hearts. I could see, in their faces, struggle. It's something that connected with my own struggles in that life and I thought if I could offer something to those who felt they were suffering maybe I could help my suffering...whatever it was in that day because I felt a lot...maybe it would lift mine.

K: You feel like you were an incredible feeler. That your heart went out and sometimes maybe not in the healthiest ways?

G: I had to learn boundaries. I did. But I assumed boundaries meant cutting myself off in a way that I didn't want to be. I wanted to explore yet I missed what I knew. It was quite a difficult position to be in.

K: How comfortable were you with yourself?

G: That came with...age.

K: I want to talk about sexuality a little bit.

G: Yes.

K: Did you always or were you always aware that you were a gay man because it seemed that you were confused about that in the beginning...questioning it because of some sort of way you grew up?

G: I did question it. (Playing with the cuff of his pants as his ankle is crossed over a knew. Nice shoes. Shiny black.) I didn't exactly know what that meant for me and I did consider myself bisexual early on because I found appreciation for both sexes. Physically, it was easy to have sex with a woman. Women, I found, to be very sexy. But I had trouble emotionally connecting to a woman. To be upfront about being a bisexual man was not easy for me because it wasn't understood. Being gay wasn't understood either because there were a lot of assumptions that went with that as well. It wasn't...accepted as much as it is now and we did a lot of work in that area to educate the world on being gay. So to tell a woman, that I was sleeping with, that I was bisexual, that wasn't an easy conversation to have because I didn't completely understand it either. I also felt...as I got older that I preferred men. So was I bisexual if I preferred to be with a man than a woman? These were questions...hard questions that I was working through alone.

K: When did that change?

G: When I met Anselmo. I...there was a tangible connection. It was like God told me stop messin' around. This is what you are and who you love and why would you deny something so beautiful.

K: What was that reunion like?

Getting emotional and teary.

G: You never believe that you will ever reunite with a person...even in death there are always questions about that...but it was...I held on and didn't let go for a long time. I loved many as a man. I had close relationships and those I fell in love with I gave everything to. To be reunited with one that forever remained on my heart was something that I can't give words to.

K: Do you believe that those you loved...you loved very deeply?

G: I did. I can't hide that aspect of myself very well can I?

K: No. It comes across very...it's profound. Anselmo died of AIDS related complications.

G: Yes.

K: When I was growing up...there wasn't a lot of education about HIV/AIDS because it was very new. It was very scary and people lived in a lot of fear about it. Now there's way more compassion when speaking about it. Watching someone you loved, so intensely, die from that disease...what kind of mark did that leave on you?

G: At first it was a kick in the gut. I was petrified of the disease. So many people were illiterate to educating themselves on it believing it couldn't happen to them and then it did. It was an epidemic and one that...you're right when you say that it was feared more than researched. I was the same way. It took an honest effort for me to want to educate myself on what it was and what research was telling us and what was truth and what was just assumption. I protected myself I always did. Sexual relationships were healthier for me when I was healthy. It was a terrifying time but with anything that scares someone...you can live in that fear and hide away or you can continue living life while educating yourself and spreading awareness about truth. That goes for anything. Homosexuality was feared...it still is in some ways. So as I look at that, I'm aware that there needs to be more education, more celebration for life no matter how that looks, more compassion for anyone standing up for themselves and a community. It's extremely important to use the tools you were given in life to be proactive about passions, about what it is that drives your sense of purpose and if that includes others that don't feel they have a voice but you've found yours, then you're the one to be the leader of that so it trickles down as strength to those that don't necessarily have that within them at that moment.

K: Wow! You are passionate. Did you get over your fear of HIV/AIDS?

G: (nods) Yes. If I was to be part of educating the world about something very...misunderstood, then I had to know what I was speaking about.

K: Amazing. Did you feel you were a voice for the LGBTQ community?

G: When I was settled in my body and my mind and in my heart, then I could be that. It wasn't right away because I had my struggles with what I identified as. When I could be honest with myself and know...what I felt was not wrong because how could love for another human being be wrong...then I could openly express that as support for the community.

K: So you weren't into hypocrisy.

G: No. There were things that I could never admit to. Maybe I smoked a little too much. Maybe I drank a little too much. Maybe I experimented a little too much. Whatever it was, I kept most of that hidden but when I admitted to myself that my love was right...that whatever I was in my life as George...that it was what made me feel whole and complete. When I could share that...it was only then that I could be an advocate for that.

K: Personal truth.

G: Yes. To be an advocate of something you must first honor it within yourself as a personal truth.

K: Did you consider yourself a shit disturber?

G: (laughing) What?

K: Come on George. And by the way, I really want to call you Georgie. Why is that?

G: Something from my childhood.

K: Huh. I have to bring up the song that ruffled everyone's feathers. I don't know what or who came first to do that. I think it was you but I parallel that with Madonna.

G: Oh Madonna. If we could ever be her...

K: Yeah, well, I don't think I could pull that off but the song I Want Your Sex... Dude! Really. My mother had a meltdown.

G: (laughing) Oh come now.

K: What possessed...were you bored?

G: Bored?! (still laughing) At that time, I saw what was being repressed. I saw what was 'dirty' in the eyes of the world. It wasn't dirty to me.

K: Obviously.

G: Still, I can understand the...hesitancy in accepting that song. There was lots that I wanted to explore with my music and lots of lyrics that I wanted to write and I did. It didn't matter what others thought. To be honest...the song did quite well. People reacted to it but people also understood it. It wasn't a song that supported promiscuity. I didn't believe it was. That's not why I wrote it or recorded it. It was to question what sex really was to someone and to ask the questions that many people wanted to ask anyway but didn't have the mind to ask them.

K: This from a song?

G: Well...that's what my intention was. Taboo really didn't sit well with me.

K: And yet, at times, personally could you be honest with yourself about your own life or your own wants or desires?

G: I found I could hide behind expression. Personally...I had moments of insecurity with myself and what was me behind that curtain.

K: Did you find it?

G: Yes. I did find it.

K: Are you proud of sticking your chin out?

G: Very much so. I'm very proud of what I've achieved, the relationships I've had...the numerous connections I made with love, even with strangers. Strangers...I don't like the word. I feel we've kept ourselves strange enough. I feel through ignorance, we've kept each other at arm's length...even further. I tried to break that down even if it was through music or performing. We all have a common ground. What is it and how can we connect that to find peace with each other and want to teach each other on the importance of education and influence.

K: And that's what you tried to do with your music and philanthropy?

G: Yes. I believed in the unification of human beings inclusive of differences that weren't always understood.

K: That is amazing. What an amazing way to put something like that. Wow. I had no idea, George. Really. Sometimes I feel I keep myself a little ignorant but at the same time...I know that's impossible because why? Why would I and why should I?

G: That's exactly my point.

K: Would you consider yourself an icon?

G: Other people would consider me and icon. I did not consider myself an icon. No. If I put that on myself...I don't believe I would be able to leave my house. (smiling) The amount of pressure...no. That was the outside world. Not my internal world.

K: I want to talk about your health.

G: Sure.

K: Your death wasn't expected.

G: No. I was quite sick. I wore myself out quite a bit.

K: Did you feel that it was...not resting enough or a busy mind?

G: Stress did play a part. Yes.

K: How were you feeling at the time? During the holidays?

G: I felt very tired. I was looking forward to the holidays as a time of rest and a time to celebrate with those closest to me. I felt a sense of relief that I could just be home and be around family and be myself for a little bit without the stage or the lights or the performance.

K: How did you feel when you went to bed that night?

G: Very happy. I was in good spirits.

K: I guess...did your body just quit?

G: Yes. I didn't feel pain. My heart gave out. I just went to sleep. I consider the way I died...lucky. I saw a lot of suffering and at times...I suffered as well. But I consider that I...the way I died was beautiful. There was no one that had to watch me in pain or agony. I was able to have a beautiful evening. The season was happy and I was content. If anything, that is the last memory that those I loved have of me...it's special. There's peace with that. There's more closure for them than if I had gone in a more physically painful way.

K: People held a lot of assumptions when they heard that you died. How do you feel about that?

G: I don't. I was as honest and forthright as I wanted to be with the world. In my personal space, I was...who I was and as I got older and I experienced more, I appreciated me and what I gave and took. I don't believe in perfection. I believe there's always something to work toward. I don't believe that someone has to constantly strive to make peace with themselves or what they've done because there's attachment there. I learned...early on I learned that it's the movement forward that means more and will change the world more than constantly trying to make peace with what was done or past issues that really don't have a hold on life any longer.

K: Do you believe in forgiveness?

G: Yes. I do believe in forgiveness. It's that nudge in a better direction. A kick in the pants you might say.

K: Were there times where you found forgiveness hard and I don't know why this is coming up. I believe you're putting that word there.

G: I am. I think forgiveness is personal. I think it starts with you, as a person first. To feel awful about what you've experienced or what you've done...there's no forward movement. There's no willingness to let go. Forgiveness offers that. I don't believe I would be the man I was if I hadn't forgiven questioning who I was as a man...as an artist. Did I do enough, was I enough to my family...to my friends and colleagues. At the end of everything and when I found the most peace with myself was when I could say, 'Yes. I was enough. I did enough. I loved enough. I sang enough and I wrote enough...I gave enough.' The word forgiveness doesn't have to be uttered at all. Forgiveness holds a lot of...fear of letting go. To be enough and to honor yourself as enough...to me that was always the same thing.

K: What about your life review?

G: Because I chose to believe that I was enough when I was George...it was good. Those things are always good anyway. It's nothing to worry about.

K: Good to know. Anything else you would like to add before we close?

G: I owe the world a huge thank you. I left the world with a full heart that I took with me. I felt supported even when it didn't look that way. I owe the world a huge debt of thanks and praise. Praise for working together despite differences and fears. It's amazing the turnaround I was witness to in my life. I was honored and humbled to be a part of that or to...lead that in some way. I'm very grateful. Thank you.

K: Aw. Thank you. Like I said, I didn't really know how much you did. You really are someone to admire. Thank you Georgie.

G: (grins) I admit...I like that.

K: (softly laughing) Thank you. Thanks for this. Do you always wear aprons in the kitchen? (I saw him flipping pancakes)

G: It sets a scene of normalcy.

K: I don't even wear aprons.

G: Then it was just to make you smile and understand that I'm just a regular guy that can flip a pancake.

K: Very good then. See you later.

G: (gives a small wave) See you. Thanks, Kimberly.

Conversations with Alexander Hamilton

July 4, 2017

I have to admit, I knew this was coming. I was drawn to the Broadway Musical and began listening to it and here he comes. This is how it happens for me. It could be an article, a show, a movie trailer...whatever. Besides a couple Spirits that showed up out of nowhere, they usually take that as an invitation to speak. I didn't mind him around. He kept to himself...until this morning and I don't believe, 'hang on a minute' would have put him off for even a second. He's persistent. He's pretty casual. Just a white linen shirt and black pants with boots. Sits easily, kind of relaxed. Never uncomfortable, sort of always testing to see what he could get away with. I really liked him. Mr. Suave yet...respectful. Today we're speaking with Alexander Hamilton.

K: I'm nervous.

A: Why are you nervous?

K: Because I'm totally unprepared for this interview.

I was expecting someone else today.

A: Then, wouldn't it be a great thing to fly by the seat of our pants...so to speak.

K: I guess it would. How are you?

A: I'm very well.

K: You are also giving me goosebumps and it's very hard to concentrate?

A: Am I? Alright then. I will take it easy on you for now but I know of your wit and I know of your come backs and I expect them as we were speaking with each other this morning in that manner. It is no fun to be in a dull and boring conversation when it can be lively and cheeky instead.

K: Oh, Alexander, Sir, your expectations of me are too high.

A: Are they? I think quite the opposite.

K: You'll have to forgive me. I don't do politics. I've never taken an interest in them.

A: Why?

K: Because...I don't trust them.

A: Interesting. You don't trust the people that run your cities...that run your country?

K: No. Actually, I don't because I feel there is a lot of behind the scenes nonsense that wastes time.

A: You speak of your corporate world and not the world of politics.

K: That too but that is a talk for a different day. Aren't corporations and government inclusive in some way?

A: Hhhhmmm...you raise a very good point. They have similarities.

K: Thank you.

A: (smiles) You are brighter than you believe to be for you see things that other care not to and yet you turn away from them...disregarding the importance of how things are.

K: I don't disregard them. I'd just rather not feel frustrated or pissed off.

A: Because you feel as if you were even involved of the world of politics that no one would care to listen to you.

K: I've never been a public speak, nor have I wanted to change minds for people's minds are their own.

A: Touché.

K: You must realize that now?

A: I do. I knew it then. People were not meant to be suppressed. They were meant to be free.

K: Interesting you should say that.

A: Why?

K: Slavery? You sold slaves. Your mother had slaves.

A: I did not sell slaves. (a little indignant)

K: Under the guise of legal representation?

A: My dear, you forget yourself.

K: Oh, sir, I don't believe I do.

A: You speak of my past in which I was ignorant to such things as freedom because I was not. I did not think of myself as free in my youth, only doing what I was instructed and what would put food on my plate. It is only when I heard of America that I found the idea of freedom...exhilarating. It is why I left for that grand country. I believed that it deserved its freedom. While I was considering the move, I found my...work unfulfilling.

K: What was your passion...what did you like doing in your youth then...before you got to the States?

A: You know of my writing skills. You know of my...pension for words. Words, whether written or spoken gave me much...influence. I learned this very early on and thought it was my advantage to make use of what I was inherently so good at. I had a mind to know where it could take me if I used the skills that came naturally and not the skills that I had to work so hard to learn...but fell flat.

K: Interesting. You were a little bit of a shit disturber then?

A: (grins) If a shit disturber is one to provoke thought and action then I would then consider myself to be your shit disturber.

K: Were you respected with this?

A: I found that I could sometimes be taken as rebellious. That I would get myself killed for speaking out of line...

K: And yet you tell me that I forget myself when confronting you on slavery when you speak of freedom.

A: I spoke of a revolution where people could walk amongst each other as brothers and sisters. You speak of the slave trade like everyone thought to participate in it but my dear, there were some...including myself...that did not. I came to the United States as an immigrant. I did not wish to be looked upon as such and so I blended in but I also spoke of the unification and freedom of all. I rallied troops of color. I fought against the most respectable and honored black men that I have ever met. I have dined with the most beautiful black women ever presented. I, too, came from a background that one would not...they would not hesitate for a moment to spit on me. I knew, as soon as I stepped off of that ship, that I had to use my gift of words and confidence to gain people's favor and I did.

K: Understood. I just have to ask...is this the kind of conversation that you were looking for or am I laying it on a little thick?

A: (chuckles) This is nothing my dear. Come back with me to a time where there were guns or cannons or duals; to a time where if a woman spoke to a man in any sort of way to confront, they could be beaten within an inch of their life. No Kimberly, you are not laying it on a little thick.

K: Well, I would never want to offend.

A: Understood.

K: Let's talk about the beginning. You were orphaned.

A: Yes.

K: Did you harbor resentment about that?

A: A little. It was all I knew and I understood, at a very early age, that it meant I would have to work harder to climb higher.

K: When your mother died, did you lose hope a little?

A: No. Her memory was what made me strive for I never wanted to disappoint her memory. Her memory was my legacy.

K: Aw. That's very sweet.

A: I love her very much and she did...her life was never perfect but she was perfect to me. She loved me as much as she could...as well as she could.

K: If she didn't die, do you think that you would've been who you were?

A: Did she give me a chance with her death?

K: Yeah.

A: My going to America was influenced by others and yes, I do believe I would have still sailed to this world if my mother would have been alive. I believe she would have told me to go.

K: Awesome. I love hearing stuff like that.

A: Me too.

K: So you came and started...talking right away?

A: I got involved as soon as I could. I made contacts as soon as I could. I was relentless in my work. Some say I worked too much.

K: But you did find time for love.

A: (grins) Yes. That part of my life was something that I cherished.

K: You honestly have done so much...I don't even know what to ask. Did you feel you lacked recognition for all that you did to build America to what it is today?

A: Hhhmmm. That is a good question. I fought for recognition. This is true.

K: Was it fame that you wanted? Did you require your name to go down in history, forgetting what you were fighting for and only thinking about being right or...winning?

A: As I looked around me and saw the struggle of the American people...the obvious divide, a fire blazed within me to work harder to unify a country that could be so great. It did not matter what color a person's skin was. It did not matter what gender one was. It did not matter the mental capacity of one. What mattered was that it was unified.

K: They call you a 'founding father'.

A: And I am humbled by that. I truly am.

K: Do you think the fact that you were and immigrant yourself...did that make you want to prove more of yourself than if you were an American?

A: When I stepped on American soil, I was American. My immigrant status held no importance for me. That was the point. For every foot that stood on American soil, by God and Heaven they were American and deserved to be treated equally and fairly.

K: You were criticized for trying to change the ways of the government when the British left.

A: When tenant leave a home...there requires a cleanup and it is never easy. There is chaos before the finished product. You are well aware of this as your home is in a state at this moment.

We're in the middle of renovations.

K: Yes. Was there chaos after the British left?

A: Yes.

K: But then you were accused of being...your relationship with the British government was friendly.

A: It was. There was opportunity for trade. There was opportunity to bring wealth and prosperity to America through trade. I knew of this. It was something that I wanted to build. You cannot build business partnerships without some friendliness or agreement.

K: And there it is. Business partnerships.

A: I said they were similar.

K: Did you feel that people...maybe they regretted working with you to get you to a point where you were able to make those kinds of decisions.

A: I would never have backed down without a fight.

K: This appears to be true. Were you happy with the direction that America was going under your influence?

A: Yes. I was. It wasn't always easy. I had to...relent to defeat at times. That was never easy for me.

K: I could see that.

A: You can?

K: Oh...very much sir.

A: Good.

K: Obviously you came to me after I had an interest in the musical that they have of you which sounds excellent. I've never seen the show. What would you say about your story that has been written and played out on stage?

A: I played the original.

K: You sure did and I would never say you didn't.

A: I find it...(smiles while looking at his hands) humbling. I never thought people would take much interest, in the future, of how this country began. Sometimes I would often wonder if everything that had happened...if all those lives that had been lost to build greatness...if it would have all been taken for granted. If all the blood that had been shed for independence would have all been for nothing.

K: I don't think it would have all been for nothing. I mean...things that you started are still a permanent fixture of that government. Do you feel like there has been anyone like you since you've been alive that has been a part of the government that has continued what you put into place with your...tenacity?

A: (chuckles) You understand me so well and we've only just met.

K: Well, I pay attention to what you allow me to feel and I feel that from you.

A: What else do you feel from me?

K: Hhhhmmm. I do sense that you're very influential. I believe it's how you speak and your persistence. I get that from our talks this morning.

A: Yes.

K: I get that you...enjoy the female...attention. You can be a smooth talker.

A: It is a gift.

K: But I also believe you to be a very loyal man in regards to what you believe in and what you love.

A: Thank you.

K: And I have nothing to prove those feelings that I get from you but only my word.

A: And your word is nothing but your truth regardless of what others may seem to believe. This is what I stand by. I came to America with nothing but my words and my truth which was of great importance and by honoring that which was mine, I was part of a very incredible and honored life that I have no regrets about.

K: Wow. That's amazing. Thank you.

A: What you speak...what you absorb from people, places, books, papers...it all influences truth. You take what you absorb and you pick it apart and you decide...is this for me. Can I work with this? What could I change about it to fit me and honor me so I, in turn, can honor the actions that I take. The word is based on intention. The word can cause a war or it can make peace.

K: You were part of a war?

A: I was but I consider my part in the war to be of liberation to bring about peace.

K: Do you find America to be a peaceful country now?

A: Not entirely. There remains...division. It has always been a country of playing sides. As much as I was part of a goal to unify...not everyone will do this. There are personal agendas in every country and they rarely match. If these aren't worked out there will be conflict. Unfortunately, America has been in much conflict but it is not the only country that has. Throughout time there has been much conflict but there has also been much truce.

K: Do you see a peaceful country? One that you started?

A: (pauses) I do.

K: Do you see a peaceful world?

A: Eventually...I do.

K: Will you continue to be a part of that?

A: To continue what?

K: A unification effort for a planet?

A: It is not just me that would be a part of that. I chose the life of Alexander Hamilton to do that at that time. Will I come again to do it all again? I wouldn't object but my influence is still there. I would only be repeating history when the object of this game is creating a new future.

K: In higher ways?

A: If that is the way you would like to say it then, yes, in higher ways.

K: I would like to see nonviolent ways but I don't see that happening any time soon.

A: No. You're right. But if you put your belief and you use your words to share...clarity on something it does assist in peace.

K: But it's only influence. You can't necessarily tell people what they believe?

A: Not at all. But influence does not have to mean you are to put a gun to someone's head. People have lost the art of charisma...instead reverting to desperation.

K: Oh my God, yes! I totally agree. Would charisma be manipulation?

A: Charisma is shared with an underlying sense of wellbeing and joy. Manipulation is being underhanded.

K: Generally were you a happy man?

A: Yes. I liked fun. Business was business and pleasure was pleasure. (winks)

K: Oh boy. See, just like this morning you had to do it.

A: What do you insinuate?

K: (shaking my head) Everything.

A: Then you would be right.

K: You did work a lot though, Alexander. Was the cause more important than your relationships?

A: At times, I admit, I did put the love for my country ahead of the love for my family.

K: Did they know this?

A: Yes. They did. These talks were not comfortable.

K: I wouldn't think so. So let's talk about it.

I just hear laughter.

A: You, Kimberly, are a breath of fresh air.

K: Why?

A: Your...courage, although under pretense at times, is amusing.

K: Huh. I will take that as a compliment.

A: I have never shared wits like this since Angelica.

K: Well, since you brought her up...was she who you preferred? Over Elizabeth?

A: My relationships with all of the Schuyler sisters were different. I dare say that I was the brother that they never had. Saying that, I was very much in love and attracted to Eliza. I do believe that Angelica was a kindred spirit. She matched me in many ways but matching me is not what I needed. I needed a woman that complimented me. I do believe that if it were possible, Angelica would have been on the list of what you call the founding fathers as well.

K: Really? That's surprising.

A: She had a wonderful mind and a knowledge of people that was very on point. She threw herself into her passions as well as what was important to her at the moment. I respected her very much. I was attracted to her mind...her personality and I said as much to Angelica for she knew me far too well to ignore it. My love of Eliza was...softer. It was my peace. It was a time where I didn't have to use my mind...my quick thought...it was where I could simply be. I loved her. She was beautiful to me.

K: There was infidelity.

A: (clears his throat) Yes. There was. Must you?

K: I must. Just a little.

A: Fine. Yes. I was unfaithful for a time. I will not excuse that behavior. What was an innocent night...

K: Uh...come on.

A: What was an innocent encounter turned into financial manipulation of the worst kind. I did not wish for Eliza to find out and so I complied.

K: But she found out anyway.

A: She did. It was not the best of times.

K: Did Maria Reynolds have the upper hand with you? Did you allow it?

A: I must admit...I allowed her the upper hand for fear of breaking my wife's heart and for humiliating my children. I wanted the affair ended immediately when I grew to understand Maria's intentions. This would not be the case as her husband got involved.

K: Was this part of your...ending?

A: It contributed to it, yes.

K: Your son's death?

A: Philip only stood up for my reputation. He was my biggest supporter and would hear nothing from anyone that disagreed with any of my actions. He would not believe lies when he was very much aware of his truth even if it was not.

K: So he was headstrong like his dad.

A: He was. We were very similar. He watched me and imitated me. I regret that he died because of that.

K: When were you welcomed back into Eliza's good graces?

A: When I realized...maybe a little too late...that I was needed at home. After some time of pleading with me to be at home, it was then that I knew I was missed. It was then that I knew that my family did need me to be with them more and I chose to give up much to finally appease their wishes.

K: You stumbled on that. (what he was saying) You were torn.

A: I was. I found it very difficult to balance both worlds. One of government and supposed duty and one of love. It was extremely difficult for me because one would always seem to carry more of a...drive. I could not sit still for long and if I were to sit still I would be writing. I documented everything.

K: And Eliza made that your legacy.

A: She did. I was and am extremely fortunate to have married a woman like my wife was. At times, I did not feel as if I deserved such love for I simply could not return it. My heart was split in many directions. Eliza was aware of this and yet...her love remained true. She raised my children with a full heart as well as what was missing from mine.

K: You speak of her like I've never heard anyone speak about a partner before.

A: It is important, Kimberly, to speak of those who influenced your life in such a way that their memory will continue to be an influence to others. Every partnership has its struggles created by something. There can be many obstacles but the truth of why...in the first place...a couple formed is a great reminder why it could continue.

K: Thank you for that. My husband and I were discussing this the other day.

A: Yes. I believe it's something that can be taken to heart in any instance.

K: Agreed. Well, I'm not really sure...Oh. Two Philips?

A: (grins) I carried much...gratitude and pride for my oldest son. It was in honor of him.

K: Cool. Anything else you would like to share, sir?

A: Only that this has been...a highlight for me. I enjoy these. There are things that historians cannot quite grasp and as much as I do believe we could sit and talk all day, there may be another time. Maybe when you become interested in politics?

K: And really, Alexander, do you see that happening?

A: No.

K: There you go. You know me so well.

A: I try. The invitation is open, Kimberly. If you would like to sit in my company again, I would be honored.

K: So would I. Thank You Alexander. It's been great. I have a deep respect for you and what you tried to do and what you achieved. I believe you to be a very honorable man that used his influence for a greater good than maybe what others couldn't see. I believe you to be a man that thought ahead of your time.

A: Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts. I appreciate your compliments.

K: Did you enjoy it?

Thinks about what I'm asking.

A: Overall...very much.

K: Was it worth dueling over?

A: At that time...yes. It was.

K: Okay then. I will see you around...hopefully.

A: Yes. It's only polite to check in with friends. Goodbye.

K: Goodbye Alexander.

Conversations with Patsy Cline

July 24, 2017

She's really no frills, no baggage, no lingering regrets or doubts. She went after the life that she wanted and she got it. She loved intensely and yet I found her to be very practical. She's extremely friendly. Very laid back. An attitude of it was what it was, that's the experience and time to move on. She didn't harbor any bad feelings. She seemed very understanding of people and circumstance. She is a strong willed energy but when she speaks of her mom and her kids...she's very soft. She seemed genuinely surprised that her music was still being appreciated. I don't think she believed it would be. I, personally, love it. This is my conversations with Patsy Cline.....

K: Good Morning, Patsy.

P: Well, it sure is great to be called in like this. What a feelin'. I must say...I've only ever gotten a handful of opportunities like this one. I am grateful for them. Thank you for having me.

K: Well, I was kind of thinking about who to speak to next and your face just popped into my mind and I thought maybe it was you or maybe it was just a memory of mine.

P: Could be both. But I sure find where I'm needed like a moth to a flame.

K: Are you needed a lot?

P: I find that those in the music industry...those that listen to the music I created...they wonder about me and they name me as their influence which, to me, to be an influence to someone is a little...I raise my eyebrow to that.

K: Why?

P: I never considered what I was doin' to be anything different than those that were performing in those days. I mean, we all had our preferences and we all had our acts but the great thing was that we could share them equally and be friends about it. It was something to do...to perform like that but to end up...after all this time to be an influence to another singer...well, it's just gravy on top.

K: Do you get pulled to those that put on your record and just melt into that voice. I mean, the earliest memory I have of your music is when I was camping with my family and my mom would put your cassette in and we'd be around the campfire. It's just that type of music that never gets old. Even if a person isn't a country fan...you were different.

P: Thank you, darlin'.

K: Did you know your voice was different in a good way?

P: Not especially. I didn't consider to be anything but a good singer. I find that people dig deep to find meaning to something that was just used to give people a bit of a break or to just appreciate a good song. Back when I was singin'...there was less scrutiny and more enjoyment of a person on a record.

K: Ah. I get that. Do you think the music industry has changed then?

P: A great deal has changed since I began singin'. I don't necessarily think that I would've had a long lastin' career if I had been livin' now.

K: Really?

P: I didn't have that whole package that's necessary today. So to be an influence to other singers out there is surprising sometimes.

K: Vocally, there are only a few that could measure up, I suppose. I don't know the industry but I think you had a rather unique sound. Did it change when you were sick as a teenager?

P: It did. I was worried because I felt that my voice got me through life. I felt that singin' was just something that I had to do and get out of my body. Like those runners who, if they don't run, get sad. I had to sing so when I was sick...I was very worried because it attacked my throat. I prayed. I don't think I ever prayed that hard in my life but I prayed and when I sang for the first time after that fever...it was rusty and I cried. But...it didn't stay that way. It got better. I had to fall to rise. It happens a lot to people that way. The fall before the rise and I didn't realize that was what had to happen for me to have a deeper appreciation for that ability; to sing and to connect with people through the voice.

K: Do you think there are some people that don't understand or want to believe that there is a rise after a fall? Like a light at the end of whatever tunnel they decide to experience?

P: It's a good question. I find people realize that after the fact. The process...never. You don't feel like you're ever going to come out of it. I never thought my throat would heal. I thought I'd be sick for the rest of my life. I can't say that I was a positive teenager and how could I be when I was sick in bed while everyone else had their freedom. I was kept away so as not to have anyone catch it. I was in solitary.

K: Did you visualize singing? I only ask because you showed me an image of you in silence but dreaming of singing.

P: Yes. It was part of my prayer. I thought that if I could see myself healed and singing anywhere, that it would help me.

K: So you used visualization even before it was a thing.

P: If I had a goal I would visualize it. If I heard a song...I would visualize it. That was a process I used to make it real.

K: You couldn't read music.

P: (shakes head) No. I listened. I could put my voice to a tune easily but if someone gave me a song with a bunch of notes on it and told me to sing it...I couldn't.

K: Then you sang through interpreting the tune through the music?

P: It was a personal relationship I had with the instruments and my voice and ears.

K: That's very cool. Were you able to have creative control that way?

P: Darlin', if I couldn't do that, they would have no Patsy Cline so I suppose; yes...that was my creative control.

K: You started in country but you're also part of that crossover into pop thing.

P: Yes.

K: Did you have an appreciation for all music?

P: Country music was my roots but I thought it was acceptable to explore what I could. Vocally, I liked a challenge.

K: I'm a big fan of pop standards; artists like Judy Garland and Rosemary Clooney and I absolutely love Doris Day. Did you find that you could see yourself giving up the country and being in the same genre as these ladies?

P: (shakes head) I wanted to bring it all together. I had that idea. It didn't fit with some people so I would incorporate what I could in my shows to shake things up a little. People liked the shows and they liked that personal touch. Everyone recognizes that music and it fit me as well as country music (did).

K: Then you would have sang both if you could?

P: Absolutely. There's nothin' better than country music mixed with a little...freshness.

K: Did you find that the pop world was a fresh...movement?

P: It was just changing. It was just evolvin'. All music goes through that. It doesn't stay the same because it can't and I understood that and wanted to incorporate that into what I was producing and singing.

K: Did you have to convince people or did you make a great name for yourself that you sort of could do that regardless of what producers or managers thought?

P: (laughs) Being sympathetic to the business of singin' was not my...strong suit. I would use studio time to try somethin' new. Sometimes they liked it. Sometimes they didn't. More often than not...they liked it.

K: Well, how could they not. When I listen to your voice...It sounds like you weren't just singing a song. It sounds like you were feeling it. The way your voice sings the lyrics makes me feel like you were experiencing the life of that song. Or did it give you life?

P: Honey...every song that I sang I chose or I wrote because it meant something to me. It had to or it was just a song. It was...you could call it a marriage. The song and I had to be married.

K: Ah, that old adage when two become one.

P: It's not just for people. It's with anything. If something doesn't become a part of you...it remains separate and if it's separate, it won't fit.

K: Would it be worth the time for you then? To beat a song to death that just wasn't for you?

P: There were a few that I didn't sing because I couldn't feel...like it was for me.

K: Speaking of marriage, your first marriage was because...?

P: (laughs) Oh...he was kind. He knew how to pay attention to get my attention. I felt that was love. Gerry grew on ya. But...after we married...the attention was focused on the home. I still had dreams to sing. I still wanted that life and I couldn't understand why so many were supportive of that and my own husband couldn't be. We had very different ideas on what marriage was like. I guess you could say I was...progressive in my ideas of that (marriage). He gave up and I got out.

K: Were you in love with him or did it just seem like a step that you had to do?

P: Yes on both counts. But, I needed to sing. I guess he thought that when we married, I'd see the light on the importance of having children and of being a homemaker and quitting with the fantasy of fame.

K: Did you want fame?

P: It crossed my mind.

K: So were your songs recorded with the idea that you wanted to be worldwide?

P: That's the fun part of dreamin'. There's no limit but when I was a girl and I got sick...I knew the importance of having a talent that needed to be expressed. Being married to Gerry was like...being sick again. When I had that realization...I had to go.

K: In one word can you describe your relationship to Charlie?

P: (grins) Passion. Hot passion. We were both hot tempered and fed off of each other in those ways. Our personalities were not quiet nor would be roll over for the other. We could be defiant with each other in that relationship and test to see how far we could push it.

K: Were you abused?

P: Yes.

K: Was he?

P: Yes.

K: So passion on all sides. That whole spectrum of love/hate...that was you guys?

P: I would have to agree.

K: What won out?

P: The love. We could fight. Lord could we fight but we could also make up.

K: Understood.

P: He loved what I did. He would often ask me to sing for him. He would often ask me for a private concert.

K: Did he take advantage of your...fame?

P: He had some spending issues that he could have because I worked hard.

K: Did he rely on you, financially?

P: Not always but he did like what I contributed in those ways and could get lazy. But I found that I didn't care.

K: Do you think that's why he stayed even though your passionate marriage could get hot tempered?

P: Of course. It's a comfort thing. I did love him. I do love him. When I got here...I realized how we had played out various parts of ourselves, together, in other lives. We always seemed to find each other again and find that passion.

K: If you hadn't passed away, do you think you would have lasted?

P: Yes. I figure things would calm down and they did. When the children came there were other things to focus on so the fights and the screaming matches calmed down because we had a common goal that wasn't performing or singing or travellin'. It was the children.

K: That's interesting that you would say that.

P: Why?

K: Because there are a few couples that stay together for the children even when the marriage is so over.

P: But ours was not. It calmed down. We were very different but the most important thing we had in common was our children.

K: That's really amazing that you could see that and focus on that to...solidify your commitment to each other. Were the children planned?

P: No thought that I would even get pregnant. Passion makes people forget that babies can happen. (smiles) But I did and they were a very big blessing for me. I didn't have much time with them but even so...they did allow me to find what my momma was to me. I missed that close family bond. I thought it would never happen again and my younger years with my mother were fond memories. I stayed very close with my mother because she offered me strength and knowledge as a woman in life, not a performer, that I held onto with iron fists.

K: You had a car accident which I feel presented you with a come to Jesus moment. Would you consider that a near death experience?

P: No.

K: Why?

P: I didn't feel like I was going to die but I did get scared enough that life could end at any moment and I felt I needed to prepare in some way.

K: So you found your faith?

P: I was reintroduced to my faith. It was always with me. It seems that in the most desperate of times, people retrace their steps towards God. I did that when I was sick and I did that in the hospital. I made it a point to be thankful. Every day I would wake up and be thankful for another day with my children or another day to sing. It's what was missing in my life...being thankful. I found that I took things for granted...things that were a treasure to me. Being faced with understanding that tomorrow was never promised...I gave thanks.

K: So, spirituality wise, you just returned to what you knew.

P: Yes. It was an old friend.

K: That's a really great way to put it. Did you prophesize your death?

P: What do you mean?

K: When you recorded your last album you were quoted as saying it was the first and the last...

P: I didn't mean that I would die. No. I didn't believe that I was going to die.

K: Looking back...was it sort of a goodbye?

P: I guess looking at it now...it was. I had a lot of communication with people that I didn't necessarily talk to all the time in the weeks before my death. People kept popping up at shows and bringing those that I hadn't seen in some time. I spoke with my mother more frequently. I cuddled my children more often. I rarely fought with Charlie. I guess...in a way...the last few weeks of my life were a goodbye.

K: Your death...was it immediate?

P: I bumped my head somthin' awful.

K: Did you feel pain?

P: No. I didn't feel scared. The noises around me were scary. There were those that begged for help but from who? I always considered myself a strong woman; a woman that could take on a lot and be okay. It happened very fast. Like the car accident...I never saw things in slow motion. I saw it immediately and I did not want to live through that. I just knew that if I did...there was no coming back to how I was. So I prayed to God to take care of me and he did.

K: In those moments...were you worried for those that you were leaving?

P: They were a fleeting thought. I only wanted to connect to where I knew I was going. When the plane hit the tops of those trees, I closed my eyes.

K: Wow.

P: I remember it vividly. I remember walkin' around and seein' the wreckage and I shook my head understanding that I wasn't supposed to live through that and I was thankful that I didn't. That wasn't livin'. Like being sick with fever...I would have been kept away.

K: You were very young. Did you feel like you were a little...jipped?

P: I felt like I had to trust in something bigger that I was that it was meant to be. I think I found my faith in time because I understood that I had to trust something bigger than me...that blessed me so much in my life...that They knew and They did which ultimately allowed me to know.

K: Were you at the peak of your music career when you passed and if so, do you believe it's why you are still remembered?

P: Yes. I was at the peak and was able to accomplish more of what I wanted to accomplish. I felt I left people wanting more.

K: You sure did. I agree with that. When people attempt to sing your songs...do you smile or cringe?

P: (laughs) Smile, of course. My songs were shared so people could sing along.

K: Do you feel like your songs were your songs. That they were written for you?

P: Like I said, it had to be a marriage and I chose songs that I felt were meant for me. Just like Charlie was meant for me...the songs had to be as well. Those around me understood. If it wasn't working it wasn't. Don't bother beating a dead horse.

K: Would you know right away?

P: More than likely I would. I would get frustrated with it. That was a sign.

K: Did it happen a lot? That you couldn't sing a song?

P: No. It wasn't a lot.

K: What did your mother think of your choice of career?

P: I couldn't have asked for a bigger cheerleader but she did have her concerns. She kept me grounded on purpose.

K: Did you need that? Did you need the grounding to life that she offered you? Could you have gotten carried away?

P: Yes. If I had questions or worries, I'd call my mamma. She always had the right thing to say.

K: Did you ever wonder about your dad?

P: At times, I saw my dad in my son. That was enough. He was still with me in that way. My mother forgave him. I forgave him. We were fine. He needed his freedom. We were alike that way, I suppose.

K: Did you think that you married Gerry because he was more that fatherly role or stability that maybe you missed as a child?

P: No. (shakes head) There were aspects of that but I believe that's why I had to leave. Same as my father. I saw something different for my life. So did he. I believe that's why I held even just a small understanding of why my father left. I saw myself in the same way.

K: That's a very honest answer and I thank you for that.

P: We are raised by those who we can see ourselves in and who can offer us those reflections. We can either accept them or fight them, or we can recognize them and carve out a life for ourselves using those reflections as something we either want to constantly be or run away from or just be okay with being a part of us. I was okay with my father being a part of me. I was okay with my mother being a part of me. I was able to see both sides and I think that's why I was able to be okay with not having him in my life in those father daughter ways.

K: That's a very...high awareness on your part.

P: Yes. I could be one to give a person the benefit of the doubt because many did that for me. I realized that so I would offer that to many people around me. Grace...God's grace can be practiced as a woman or a man. It's a choice. Not everyone does it but everyone is capable.

K: Wow. That's very true. Thank you Patsy. Thanks for coming in today. I really appreciate your time. Again, I'm pleasantly surprised. Sometimes I have all these assumptions but they're rarely true.

P: Assumptions never are, darlin'. That's why they're assumptions but not everyone will know and that's okay. It's funny...how in these situations...assumptions can be cleared away and I believe that's why these things are able to happen. A second chance to communicate what we never got the chance to or to answer questions that we never could. I have had times in my life where tomorrow was never promised. That to take advantage of the moment, I was in, was my goal. I would visualize what I wanted which helped me create that. Visualizing was a testament...I guess you could call it...to my tenacity. I didn't allow things to stand in my way because tomorrow was never promised and it wasn't.

K: What do you think you came here to learn or practice as Patsy Cline?

P: Integrity. I would have to tell you integrity. I was tested in those areas and it wasn't always easy but yes. To be true to me and my goals was very important in my life.

K: Do you feel you did that?

P: Yes. I believe that's why I crashed in those trees. It's because I did that. I experienced that in a very short time because that was me from a very very young age. I did all that I set out to do. I'm okay with that.

K: Throughout this whole interview you seem very self-assured and aware and just very...forthright. I appreciate that. Thank you.

P: Thank you. I appreciate your time. Thank you for telling me of your memories about my songs.

K: Once you hear your songs...they have the ability to stay with you but I think that has a lot to do with who sang them.

P: Thank you. Have a really good day, Kimberly.

K: Thanks Patsy. Do you mind if I share this interview?

P: Not at all. I would be thrilled. See you.

K: See you.

Conversations with Leonardo Da Vinci

August 15, 2017

He is a constant Spirit in my home, as well as Nicola Tesla, but we never formally met. He is with my son a lot and if we lay in my boy's bed and call his name, his orb will float around Mateo's room. He is very attached to children. He is very attached to dreamers and I don't say attached as a need. Only as an appreciation for people that are willing to dive into the creative mind or the scientific mind. He says kids are less inhibited and he loves that. His energy was very...at peace but you can tell that he was and still is an explorer. I could compare his energy to that of Anton Yelchin's and you all know how much I love me some Anton. My channels are turning into conversations that are more of what I would like to know instead of rehashing who they were. I find that the information I would like to talk to Spirit about isn't always about what they did or who they were but what their thoughts and feelings are as the angels they are now. We talked about his art and his inventions, how could we not, but there's also more that maybe other's won't identify with. Anyway, here's Leonardo Da Vinci....

L: I am here and I am well. How are you? I don't believe we have officially met but I do believe I have been invited into your home many times and not by you.

K: No. It probably wasn't my invitation.

L: You have a boy.

K: I do.

L: You have a boy that uses vision.

K: Yes.

L: He is very creative in those ways is he not?

K: He is.

L: You have a girl.

K: I do have a girl.

L: Hhhmmm...She finds amusement and adventure in the words and not of the art.

K: More the words. You're right.

L: It is interesting to me to watch the children of today and what they can do and yet what they choose to ignore due to distraction of the worst kind.

K: What is the worst kind of distraction for you?

L: The vision has been tunneled toward devices that stifle the mind's eye. (he points to his third eye)

K: I would have to agree with you there. But...there is creativity in technology as well. If used properly.

L: Properly. To build what? To build more that creates more of the tunnel vision that they use and the use of the imagination has been put to the side as an inconvenience to most.

K: Not to most. I don't believe it to be the most.

L: You are right. I have overstepped. It is not my way. But I do enjoy getting into the conversation immediately. There is time to get to know one another and there is time to simply begin as the knowing is already there when our energies mix and connect as they are. You can see me, yes?

K: I can see you.

L: You see where I am?

K: I do. You're not coming down to me. I'll meet you in the middle though.

L: (smiles) Very well. I will sit. You will join me. Please, describe what you see.

K: Okay. I see a room full of...the first things I notice are scrolls. You're keeping things very old school.

L: It is the way...in my life...in enjoyed the work. I allowed my hand the gift of movement from the air around me. Continue.

K: I see a lot of books. I see carvings...more like wooden pieces. There's not really much room to move around.

L: It is a busy place because I remain busy.

K: I thought that once you transitioned you would be able to do more or be more or create more instead of in the ways that you did when you lived a human life.

L: (nods) Yes, but you speak to me as Leonardo and so I present myself as Leonardo and I continue to work as I did in that life.

K: Did you channel your works?

L: (grins) Many were channeled. Yes. To connect to the heavens allows one's ability to manifest on earth. If one was not to connect with heaven the creation will be stifled...at times. It is what writer's would call writer's block.

K: Is it always something outside of yourself that you have to connect to, to become creative.

L: My Dear, you more than anyone understand that it is inside (points to his chest) as well as what surrounds your body. It is the connection from all sides for a human being is the connection of all sides and inside out, yes?

K: Yes. Were you connected to your Akashic Records?

L: To create such...ideas or wonders as you might call them...yes. I could tap in...so they say...I could tap into that which I am and if that connects me to the library that I have existed in throughout time, then that is what I did.

K: You did a lot. You painted, you sculpted, you invented, you studied...I guess I would call it anatomy and medicine. What was your favorite?

L: All of them.

K: All of them?

L: All were my favorite for it they were not my favorite I would not have done them.

K: Touché.

L: Very well. You will have me pick one. I began painting very young. You call them photographs. I knew of these. I wanted to create them in my time and I tried. It came naturally to me. I was what you might call a gifted child. My mother influenced me to pick up the brush because when I spoke to her she could not quite grasp what I could see in my mind. It is easy to speak of what you see in your mind. It is easy to share but not everyone will understand. It does not matter. The point is that it is shared. If kept quiet...the world would not be in the place it is today.

K: No. It wouldn't. You've been channeled many times so I apologize if you've been asked these things before.

L: I have been channeled many times but not by you so when you ask me the questions I shall answer as if I have never heard them before.

K: How did your painting evolve from simple landscapes to...invention?

L: It is the same as what I described. I could not contain all that I saw and all that I knew of in my mind. I did know of the dangers of premonition but if I was to turn premonition into art...some would say that it was just a peculiar drawing or just an idea of a man that had too much time on his hands. On the contrary...I did not have much time on my hands. If I was not working I was creating for me. I was pouring out the information that would come to me in my thoughts or in my dreams because it had to be written...it had to be painted.

K: You hid a lot of your information in code. You mirror wrote. Why?

L: Those things that I could see in my thoughts...those inventions that your son has built...they were of your future and some were used for destruction. I lived in a time where as much as the machines that I would draw could not do the harm that they can in your lifetime...they could still destroy. I did not want the information to fall into the wrong hands. I did much in the way of discovery of the human form. I wrote notes. If found...I would not have survived.

K: But if you were dabbling in things that could have gotten you thrown in jail or imprisoned...why did you do it. Why did you take the risk?

L: There was no longer a need for mystery. We are all skin and bones as we walk the earth...but what makes it work? If we found what makes a human work...could we then come up with ways that would make it work longer? Could we then find ways of assisting an ailing human being to allow them to walk further? Why is one man short and the other tall. Why is one woman able to carry her child and birth it and the other...they both succumb to death? It was all a mystery and it was solvable if one was to look inside the body. If one was to discover what people wished to remain hidden.

K: Why did they want it to remain hidden?

L: Because one was born perfect and they will die perfect. Nothing will mark a creation of God.

K: Were you a religious man?

L: No. I was not.

K: But you did a lot of artwork for the church.

L: They paid me a handsome sum.

K: Ah. Did you know more...at that time...about what...I guess what spirituality was?

L: I knew of things, yes. I allowed myself to know more because this is where the urge to create was as well. It is all one. It cannot be separate.

K: It's been said that you hid signs of other lifeforms in your paintings. An example of this was the Baptism of Christ. You depicted a dove at the top of Christ's head but it was rumored that it was actually a UFO. Could you explain?

L: Simply...it was. I knew of Christ and who he truly was as a man. I knew of his lineage. I knew of his history. I painted the truth of him.

K: But all the truth of your paintings...that which you tried to portray...was 'corrected'?

L: It was. Made into symbols that would be more understood like the dove or a bird in the sky.

K: You're showing me ancient Egypt.

L: Yes.

K: Why?

L: Because they knew and they made their marks on their walls. No one needed them to be painted over.

K: But you needed to be employed.

L: I did.

K: How hard was it for you not to create as much as you could? I mean...the feeling that you're giving me was that your ideas or your creations were a little stifled or hidden because of fears from an outside world that may have had you hung or worse because of the detail and what you were really trying to portray. How was that for you?

L: I still expressed myself. I just did it in ways that were appropriate or misunderstood by others that couldn't grasp the knowledge. I knew who could and who could not. To be experimental in a time such as when I lived...witchery was still feared.

K: Ah yes. The dark arts.

L: Yes. As the alchemists did...so I did. Alchemists were not the only ones that could manifest. Oh no...any artist can manifest.

K: I see that. You spoke earlier of children. Do you feel that they could be more self-expressive?

L: Adults of today fear creation of change that the children are here to bring. I come to those who will allow me to be a part of what I began. Children can see much that adults cannot. They can put things together in their minds as they are not yet tainted by no and not permitted. They dream. They dream of what could be. I continue to do so. As your son figures the intricate parts of creation in his mind...as with all children...I will come and support that.

K: Thank you for that.

L: Yes.

K: Did you get pleasure out of...creating paintings with hidden messages that you only knew of at the time?

L: (grins) I did for when I could paint uninhibited...it was better for me and so I learned to use the tools of art to hide truth that was mine and would one day be the worlds.

K: Did you have premonitions?

L: I did.

K: Is that where your inventions started.

L: Yes.

K: So did you see a helicopter and a tank?

L: I did. It was difficult to create such things in my time but I tried. The intention was not to build on a large scale but on a model scale so they could be assumed as one thing when really they were blue prints and plans for another.

K: The models you built.

L: Yes.

K: Did you ever reach a state of perfection in all that you did?

L: (grins) I never assumed that my creations were perfect. Others did. I worked tirelessly at perfection for what I saw in my mind and felt in my heart was perfect but to express that through art...I was never satisfied. I would be one to complete and then destroy if it was not to my liking.

K: What if someone told you that it was wonderful and magnificent.

L: The magnificence was what they could not see in me. They only found a small part of what I was able to achieve magnificent. But it was only a portion of what I was.

I have a very emotional feeling in my chest that's making me tear up.

L: I wished to express all of me. All that was me is what you might call the Spirit. And yet...on such a planet at such a time...I could not.

K: Not even in secret or in code?

L: Why would I ever be satisfied if I was to hide? Yes. I created much that many have not discovered and if it had been...it would have been a risk.

K: Yes. I have to agree. I mean, you knew of things that could be very destructive but yet you knew of things that could be studied to be helpful. I mean, you were looking into human beings...you were doing autopsies on human beings to try and prolong life or help illness or movement or whatever but at that time it was illegal. I think you were sort of limited in all respects. Do you believe you were before your time?

L: Yes.

K: Then why did you decide to come to earth in those days? When sharing or expression was so limiting or had to be hidden?

L: Because I chose to be the beginning and not the current.

K: Ah. Very good. I see your reasoning. Do you feel from everything that has been discovered about you or by you that you are still a mystery or do you feel that you were understood?

L: That is a good question but I feel I cannot be fully understood unless spoken to for all that I produced was simply a part of a whole. There continues to be questions about me. I did not wish to be an open book and yet...I did wish to be understood. Those who are able to read between the lines will understand my Spirit...my mission...my purpose. Those who only continue to look at the surface will never know who I was as Leonardo.

K: Then, to really know a person, one must be willing to understand the intricacies of the human being that contains the spirit and not just the human being as the flesh.

L: Yes. And to know me in that way, one must be able to understand how I worked. Two knew me so intimately. Only two. Those who have found my words or have dissected my paintings and made observations...they may come close but they will not know all.

K: Are you okay with sharing yourself in intimate ways as Spirit. And by intimate...and this is more for the readers...I do not mean sexual.

L: Yes. I understand your meaning. And yes...as I am now I will share with anyone that asks me. I have no secrets now for I am part of the One. I have come home to myself and all aspects that I have ever been. It is to be shared for it is the Divine Love that I now am which is not to be hidden.

K: Were you a vegetarian?

L: I could not consume that which I loved or that which I studied. I could not consume the flesh. I could not consume death. Does that make me a vegetarian? It must. I could not ingest such things for I had the flesh of a man and that was enough. I did not need to consume more.

K: I find that...meat...it's not satisfying me the way it used to and so I don't eat a lot of it. I don't see myself eating meat for much longer.

L: One must listen to the needs of the body. Some bodies require the nourishment that meat can only give. Others, not. I do agree...you do not need to consume much of the animal kingdom. Small amounts will do.

K: How can we nourish our own creativity or artistry or spirit?

L: One must come out of hiding. One must express, freely, that which moves them to tears. One must freely express the importance of what is felt and what is seen to be truth to them. Everything is expression. It does not need to be harsh. It can be soft. It can be like a breeze. If there is a darkness that wishes to be expressed, create it out. Darkness is not only used for violence. It is a means for the light to shine for in the dark there is always light. Darkness is an opportunity to find the light but the darkness must not continue to be hidden. It must come out of its hiding to be lit up and warmed back to a state of love.

K: Wow. I've never heard anyone express things like that.

L: To acknowledge all sides, all shades, all colors is to acknowledge life for that is life, is it not?

K: It is. Do you feel that there is a connection between Spirit and Science?

L: Direct.

K: Yeah?

L: One forgets that science is the creation and spirit is the love. They go hand in hand. The whole of the Universe is based on science...on equation...on numbers. Love is immeasurable but can be felt. These two are integral to each other.

K: Is that why you explored both?

L: Yes.

K: You feel very content. Were you content with your life?

L: I was.

K: When you died...was heaven all that you expected? Were you able to see heaven?

L: You fail to realize that it can be anything you want or need. It can be anything that you believe it to be. It is created by thought patterns. My heaven could be what I have been as Leonardo or it could be what you would call a spaceship that flies throughout space and time to destinations unknown. It can be blackness and it could be a prism of color. My heaven is what I believed it could be and yet...my beliefs were very small compared to everything that it is.

K: Did you ever compete with other artists?

L: No. I was my own. I appreciated other artists because they dared to create. I found perfection in their ability to share their creations. I worked with many. There were times that I would paint with another. Those works are not in existence any longer for they were that communication between like minds that only we could understand at that moment.

K: You make that sound as if lovers were sharing a moment.

L: It could be felt as such. Yes.

K: Is that where knowledge of the intimate is? In those shared moments that is expression between two people.

L: Yes, Kimberly. That is true intimacy.

K: And vulnerability?

L: One would have to be willing to give of themselves completely to know true intimacy.

K: This is true. Would you consider yourself a romantic?

L: As in fantasy?

K: Well...not dreamy fantasy. I guess to have an appreciation of maybe...the emotional body of a person?

L: It is a beautiful body...the emotional...is it not? It is raw. It is soft. It is hard at times yet yielding. The emotions are a storm and a blue sky all at the same time. It is beautiful. To connect with the emotion is to connect with ecstasy. So, if that makes me a romantic...then I am guilty.

K: Seriously...you know the right words to evoke emotion in me.

L: It is not simply the words I speak but the feelings...the emotion that I share with you. This is intimacy. This is the intimacy of spirit to spirit. It cannot be held back; only moved forward to connect with the heart...with the love of another.

K: Did you require proof or validation for all that you saw with your third eye. I know you needed to see the world or the human or the art with your eyes but did you need proof of all that you witnessed in your third eye?

L: I chose the path of belief because I created it here. What I needed was to make it perfect.

K: Have you made your creations perfect where you are now? Is that what all this is? (the room he's sitting in)

L: I have no need to re-do what has been done. No, I create now to simply create. I have no need to perfect my spirit for it is whole and completely perfect as it is.

K: Did you believe that as a man on earth?

L: It was my work in progress. It was easier to see it in others and not myself.

K: Truer words were never spoken.

L: It is easy to compare but when compared, does that push one to be better or does that upset someone...only believing that they lack.

K: Good point.

L: To compare is not necessary if it throws you off your course that once was to the horizon.

K: Thank you Leonardo. What do you think of the Da Vinci Code?

L: A very well written piece of work.

K: Did they give anything away?

L: No. All the knowledge presented in the book was known. It was just presented in a personal way to the author.

K: I loved the book. I was thinking of doing the tour.

L: Do not submit to another's path. Explore your own. If you wish to explore who I was as a man...there is no need for a map. Simply visit where I was...my energy exists there. I do not present in places that were written about...only those places that meant the most to me. I am there.

K: Better plan.

L: You wish to participate in a pilgrimage. You do not need a path already cut for you by others for stepping into their footsteps leaves the energy of the place muddled. Carve your own. A pilgrimage is simply a walk to explore the Spirit of you.

K: Again. Very true.

L: We are getting personal. I don't mind and I do believe we could spend the day together which we will but not today. I will let you go. You know I frequent your home. I would like to share some wine with you and discuss much. Please tell Mateo that I give him my best and I will continue to be with him as a guide.

K: Thank you Leonardo.

L: It is my great pleasure. And so we will make a date for a glass of wine.

K: Yes.

L: Very well. My love is yours. Thank you Kimberly for sitting with me now.

K: Thank you for coming in.

L: Good bye.

K: Bye.

Conversations with Archangel Nathaniel

October 31, 2017

I have been visited by Archangel Nathaniel since I was a kid. He has always been a very big part of my life even before I knew of any of this spiritual stuff. There was always Nathaniel. He was a guiding and driving force in my life. He was the one that would make me come back up to stand in the most horrific of times and yes, I would say horrific. He stokes the flames of life for everyone. Here is my conversation with Archangel Nathaniel. And yes, if it seems we've been chatting for a while before a reader comes in the room, we are in constant communication and we probably have been.

N: How long have we been together?

K: Since the beginning of this particular journey, that's for sure.

N: And why?

K: Because I have an affinity for...I have an appreictation for get it done.

N: Hhhmmm. Is that the only reason for my presence in your life?

K: I've been connected to you since I was a girl.

N: Yes.

K: And you've never left.

N: No.

K: And I often wondered why.

N: Because of the part you and so many others are to play in the awakening of this world.

K: Is it really an awakening or would it be more of a reminder?

N: Many continue to sleep. Many continue to press the snooze button so they do not have to face the day of their awakening. For some, it comes slowly. For others it is...quite a shock. It pulls them into what they think of as madness but it is not. It is only that they cannot continue to disregard their power in transforming what this world is to become.

K: Which is?

N: Everything.

K: I find it hard to believe that many eyes of so many universes are on Earth right now.

N: Why wouldn't it be like one of your shows that seems catastrophic until the end when there are a select individuals that pull out a turn of events that saves everything just in the nick of time.

K: It could be like one of those movies or shows and I guess that's the visual that you give me so I can relate to that.

N: Yes.

K: But again, I can't believe that we are the only planet in all of existence that is going through this transition.

N: There are many planets that go through transitions at different points in their journey. Some are behind what you would consider Earth to be. Many have progressed past this point. This point is a teetering edge. It is a razor blade. So much can happen that is unpredicted and unprecedented. It already has and what happens when these wild cards fall? Is it chaos to regroup or is it peaceful understanding that the choices or the outcomes had to be for something so why not allow it to unfold.

K: But in the unfolding...there is fear.

N: Because there is lack of a bigger picture. This is a term that gets thrown around very much but it is a good way to see it, is it not?

K: Yes.

N: You heard of the group you call Kryon that even if you did not agree with any candidate in any election what is the process? Does one still vote? Or do they walk away?

K: Most would walk away and not bother because what's the point.

N: Precisely. But what did Kryon say?

K: They said, in that instance, that to vote for the candidate that would provoke them most change.

N: And has that not been done? Has there not been a man elected to your America that has provoked much and has created an outcry of understanding that this cannot continue? It was to be this way because it was the only way to express that the world...that countries can no longer work and continue in the same ways as they once did. It was the way and so he was voted in to provoke an awakening to such things.

K: While creating chaos.

N: It is viewed as chaos for one has not made peace with why.

K: I feel, Nathaniel, that we are always questioning the whys and as we sit and question the whys of actions or why do people do what they do or question what our motives or our intentions are with the whole picture...I feel people can get lost in the whys and the action sort of falls to the wayside as people just investigate and think and ponder while not making the conscious effort to pull up their socks and get to this goal that we've all heard is supposed to be coming which is peace.

N: Yes. People are weary of process.

K: They are and all these things are out there giving predictions while people wait, seemingly in vain, for these predictions to come true while disregarding the fact that we are what make these predictions true. We are the action that makes tomorrow happen. So if we are constantly sitting and thinking of why there will be no action in creating a tomorrow.

N: I do not ask people to continue to consider why for days or weeks or years on end while neglecting action on what their answers come up as. It is one to be lost in a perpetual state of philosophy than to actually take those thoughts and feelings and take action. You have your warriors and you have your philosophers. They are divided down the middle. But they are to come together in a state of working order. Philosophers disregard action because people around them believe them to be folly. Warriors take action without thinking. There must be an integration of the two species for there to be a risen state of awareness.

K: I understand but where is the commonality between the two groups of people that will have them work together in that equilibrium?

N: An equal vies that all sides are for a purpose and not to disregard the talents of an individual because it is different from your own.

K: I feel that people get frustrated if life or the people in their life don't look exactly how they expected it to and different things can happen. One, they give up and just accept or two, they go to war with those that are around them because they can't accept that no everyone will be on the same page as them.

N: This is very true. So what's the middle?

K: For some, it takes a lot to begin to work together because many people have different ideas on how the planet needs to evolve and are unwilling to see another's perspective or point.

N: We are speaking very honestly today.

K: We are. And I only get this way with you.

N: Yes. Okay. As all of us in the realms of Archangels and Angels look upon humanity and all other planets at this time...we understand that, at times it takes much to understand, to show equality, to use individual talents as a whole rather than slugging away as one. Why does humanity choose to work alone rather than come together in groups to work for the same outcome...that which is peace?

K: I think because people tend to believe in divide and conquer.

N: Hhhmmm. Yes. That is a way of putting it isn't it.

K: I also feel like, even in the spiritual communities, people are still triggered by what they feel they can and can't do and I feel they project that into the work. I also feel like...for the lightworker or spiritual community that those who practice or do or teach or whatever, split it up like humans would do with race. So there is this continued division even in the groups or the people that are meant to come together in a sharing capacity to create more of that power and unity to uplift rather than acknowledging that it's meant to be personal and different for everyone as an example of acceptance and integration rather than a separation.

N: Yes, but you speak as if there has not been change in this regard.

K: Well, I mean, I'd like more but I tend to be impatient.

N: (laughs) Not impatient. You are a do-er. You are a worker. You cannot just be. It is your history. You have always ever been a worker. Impatience is just the inability to sit still. You wish for change and you can see that bigger picture you speak up but you disregard the philosophy of a process.

K: The word process rubs me the wrong way...depending on the day. It's like a pit stop on the highway when you have to get somewhere fast.

N: But you disregard the fact that it is happening. You know this, Kimberly. We speak of it often and yet you continue to witness the process and not the outcome of everything that has been done until now.

K: You're right. I don't deny that and the fact that I want to take people by the shoulders and shake them a little is my impatience.

N: It is your urgency because you know what dwells beneath the flesh and bone of a human being. You see deeply.

K: Yes but it still has to rise up.

N: And it will.

K: What's the difference between a lightworker and a lighthouse. Is it interchangeable?

N: A lightworker is the action. The lighthouse is the simply being. It is the warrior and the philosopher. Both spread their light. It just happens in different ways.

K: But they are both action.

N: Yes. They are both action. They continue to give and shine and be bright so others know where to find them. Some leave calling cards. Some simply attract.

K: Could it be both and not one or the other?

N: Yes. It is the phases one goes through of the day to day. One needs rest. One needs movement and the soul will speak to the body to let them know when. This is Divine timing.

K: It's part of it.

N: It is the communication between the soul and the body. The soul is the sound of the trumpet when they feel it from the heavens. People rarely listen to its sound.

K: You are part of the element of fire.

N: Yes.

K: Are you demanding in your quest to urge people forward?

N: I can be non-negotiable at times when I work with individuals that are no longer to travel a certain path. You have told people that the Universe will make changes if a human disregards the need for this. Most often, it is me. Especially with those that are to be made aware of their place as a lightworker.

K: Do you clear the path.

N: I did for you.

K: You certainly did.

N: Do you think that you would be where you are if I had not stepped in to clear the way of that which has purposely tied you down to only feel the heaviness of that which is shadow.

K: I would not be. No.

N: We have worked together since you were a child. I have placed much in your way as a catalyst to promote change and with this change you have been made aware of what is truth. Some have not seen this so easily, blaming the Universe for their pain; blaming God for their pain. To linger in pain is to disregard the greatness of the human being. I am one that will burn it away in ways that cannot be held back.

K:Does this make people scared to call you in; because you do work so fast and quickly and sometimes...life altering.

N: Do you feel cruelty with me?

K: No. I feel like you know, intimately, the purpose of action and sometimes people just have to be thrown in the fire.

N: It is a purging. It is a transformation. It is a burning away of all which hold another back. It is only to purify the mind and the heart. The soul is pure but it requires the body...the person to work on its behalf...to take action...to burn.

K: Like the flames we are.

N: Like the flames you are.

K: Let's talk heart energy.

N: Okay. Let's talk hearts.

K: Why the heart? Why do you enter the heart?

N: Because it is the leader.

K: You think the heart is the leader.

N: When one uses feeling, senses, intuition, love...this expresses itself in life like nothing else. It is assurance. It is strength. It is courage. You see courage in your lions. Is it not the heart of a lion that one aspires to use.

K: Yes. Is courage heart?

N: It is a cooperation with the heart and the soul...the soul dwells in your solar plexus. It is the communication of these two centers.

K: Yes. I get that.

N: But, if the heart is lacking, there will be no action.

K: Ah.

N: (smiles) Ah-ha!

K: Ah-ha! When working with you, I find I have to be very clear. I can't be wishy washy. I have to jump in with two feet.

N: I have no time for washing feet. When you know you know. It is an immediate understanding of your truth. You know. I work with knowledge that is action based. There is no action in indecision.

K: You always have an answer for everything that's cut and dry.

N: And would you prefer me any other way?

K: It wouldn't be the same.

N: It would not.

K: Do you see sitting on your hunches...wasting time? What about biding time?

N: Biding time? There is a marked difference between waiting for everything to fall into place and stalling so it won't. Biding time is stalling so it won't.

K: (laughing)

N: What's funny?

K: Just your tone with that. Biding time is stalling. It was a little terse.

N: (smiles) I apologize.

K: No need and doubtful. You, to me, are the tower in the tarot deck and I talked to a friend about this card the other day. You are the 555 that I see on the clock. You are endings that people might think are horrible but are actually blessings in disguise. How do you feel about being so...people might consider you destructive.

N: I understand where this comes from. I do not destroy. How could an angel ever destroy a human being? It is because those that stall fear the change they require to live to their highest good and potential. I will not come in unless invited. You are aware that we have a relationship based in this. There is comfort with me. There is a knowledge that all is well and good and I only work on another's behalf to allow them freedom of burden...of what they are used to or addicted to holding onto. They fear the free fall because they feel it is an abyss when it is really to let go and to allow me to bring them to a state of grace.

K: So if someone really wanted change in their life and they knew it would be hard, would calling you in be a rough spot or would you smooth the path for them?

N: I have the intention of smoothing the path for those who are willing to make changes in their lives that will ultimately bring them closer to God. If one is less attached to outcome and more willing to flow, it is easier and smoother.

K: How do you feel about passion?

N: Passion is ignored too much. To follow one's passion allows them to burn with desire that is not sexual but is instinctual to allow them to know what is next and to welcome it.

K: Sexual is also creative.

N: Remain creative. Ignite sexuality, sensuality, creativity, courage, grace. The heart feeds on this and in turn, feeds these. It is a cooperation of energy that ignites and initiates movement.

K: You are the instigator or quick change. When, do you think, a person requires change?

N: When life feels insufferable, stopped, dreary...when everything has become dull, monotonous, hopeless. When this happens, people have acquired all they need from those situations or people that surround them. It does not have to be great change. It can be small change as well but there is a need for change...for activity and for the breath of life into what once might have been considered stale. There can also be a reigniting of an idea or a thought that one assumed would not work before when, if life feels as if it lacks, it could be the time to reconsider that which you've given up on.

K: But isn't that living in the past?

N: It is not what one has dwelled on. It is that which has come back to live in a different way.

K: Can this be in talents and abilities and not ex-boyfriends?

N: (laughing) Most definitely.

K: Good. Glad to hear. Do you feel that we are prepared for this continued transition that humanity and the Earth seem to be perpetually in?

N: You require an end point. It is the journey but one cannot continue the journey without the action it takes to walk it. I urge those with a voice of love, to speak it. I urge those with the intentions of love to act on them. I urge those who hide away under the false belief that they are not as good as one or another to dispel this belief and speak. You who hide under the belief that you have no voice are actually the loudest. You carry the trumpet of Gabriel and it is required, now, to be played. (very authoritative)

K: I want to talk disclosure. Trumpets have been sounding in my life in regards to Spirit/Beings/Angels whatever the case may be. Is there disclosure coming and by this I mean globally.

N: We are no longer to be kept under the rug. For some, there will be disclosure. For others, there will not. But it is not half. There are more and more that communicate with us every day and this will increase. In regards to your timelines, it will be by 2020.

K: Do you think that people invoke the energy of the Archangels as much as they could or even, dare I say, should?

N: I believe there could be more. We are capable of serving and assisting every single human being at the same time. It is not a chore. But...we will not beg.

K: No. I can't say that you will. You're a very patient bunch...sometimes.

N: Do you speak of me?

K: You and Michael.

N: Ah. Michael.

K: I feel like many put Archangels in many different categories and there are those but if I'm stuck, do I really have to go and research what angel does what an only call on that one or can it be any of them?

N: You have an affinity for a select few and I am honored to be included in that but...no. You do not need to research who to call and invoke. Simply do this and you will be assisted in all ways that you desire and require.

K: I have to say, through all these years, I have...probably a very unhealthy attachment to you, Nathaniel.

N: And I love you too.

K: Anything else to add to this conversation. I sort of just started sharing what I thought I could through our continued conversations from yesterday and today. I think I started it a little abruptly.

N: No. (grins) I have nothing to add. I simply answer. Thank you, Kimberly, for your continued action even, at times, you wish for immobility.

K: Well, I did invite it...namely you. It's amazing what happens behind the scenes of inaction. I think that's where the feelings of anticipation comes from. Because there's more happening behind the scenes than on the actual stage.

N: It is precisely where anticipation comes from. It is a moment of pause before the real work...begins.

K: Love you Nathaniel. Thank you.

N: Thank you. Until later.

K: Minutes.

N: Seconds.

K: Until then.

Conversations with Gord Downie

November 22, 2017

This morning I went to our cafeteria to grab a breakfast sandwich, which I rarely do. Maybe once every few months. I usually eat quinoa for breakfast but this morning, I went upstairs. I ordered the sandwich and waited and while they prepared it, on a portable stereo that a cook had at the back of the kitchen, a stereo that I probably had in my room in grade ten, I heard the Tragically Hip. Well. Opened a door. He looks really good. He's deeply moving and so humble and as much as he exudes happy...there's a subtle quietness about him. Like he's always thinking or feeling deeper than what he would ever show. Here's my conversation with Gord Downie.

G: Wow. This is something. (Rubbing his hands on his thighs as he sits. He looks pretty vibrant.)

K: For me too. This is something. I haven't had anyone new pop in for quite some time. How are you?

G: (nodding like he's convinced) I'm good. (laughs a little) I'm really good.

K: And you seem a little surprised that you would be.

G: I just...didn't know. You assume a lot when you live and you assume that you'll float up into some sky or you'll see the light or whatever you've been taught would actually happen but it's nothing like that.

K: What were you...I guess what were you most concerned about? What was your biggest fear when that moment would happen?

G: Death?

K: Yeah. What was that one thing that sat in the back of your mind?

G: I guess that there would be nothing. That all those rumors about going to some other place was just a load of shit and there would be nothing. It just wasn't true.

K: I've been told there's a feeling of a page of a book being turned or a huge pull or, like, turning around and just being able to walk away. There's lots of different feelings that Spirit has told me about. What was it like for you?

G: There was a definite pull. There was sort of like this floating sensation. Yeah. When I couldn't breathe is when I was pulled and I was out before I actually died. I think that the breathing...it was kind of a panic for me. It's cool because I think that a Spirit...if you want to put it that way...a Spirit knows when to leave so there's none of that torturous kind of death. Bodies do that. People see that but for me, personally, I was pulled away before my physical body did what it had to do to die.

K: Were you relieved?

G: (nods) Maybe a little pleasantly surprised?

K: What was it like for you to know that you still existed?

G: (smiles) Just...feelings I can't explain but I also couldn't feel because I just knew at that moment that this was how it was. I recognized it...like I had done this before and even though as I died, I had some of that fear of what would happen to me...when I actually crossed that line..I just remembered that this was how it was.

K: I get that. Was there a time, or are you still...I guess re-learning how to be Spirit? Some people tell me that there's a learning curve.

G: There is. For me (brings his hands to his chest) it was all these...Oh yeah. I remember this. But when I first left I didn't necessarily like that feeling of being suspended and waiting for any sort of what next. I had some people help me out though. I had a homecoming. It was a fast transition and I had said goodbyes (to people he knew in life) so I went back pretty quickly because I had said everything that I needed to say to all of those friends and family while I lived...hanging around wasn't something I felt I needed to do.

K: Did you know you could come back? To visit and comfort family and things like that?

G: Before I died, I made the intention to do that so I sort of had that...I made that a commitment to myself and my loved ones before I left and those sorts of commitments...you remember because their love for you and your love for them keeps that relationship alive and even if people think that it's one sided...it's not. Even if a friend doesn't think they can keep connecting with their loved one...they do regardless if they don't feel they are.

K: Understood. There's still that bond even though, maybe, people think that one (person) is forever gone.

G: I just knew that it wasn't. It couldn't be. We don't enter into these lasting relationships with people for it to be gone or just cut off because it's expired. Yeah, I expired but they didn't so it just didn't make sense to me how these relationships couldn't...still be.

K: Now that you're Spirit and there's like...a way bigger view of things that have happened...looking back, what was that like; that moment that they told you of your cancer?

G: I...didn't hear the words clearly when I was told because...doctors are very...they have good intentions but they deliver the news in that way that it's a verbal diagnosis based on that science of the body and they get into the ins and outs of what prediction and what therapies and what support. I...eventually heard it but I didn't hear it when I was first told. The words just floated there above my head and couldn't get inside. I could hear the words but I...maybe it was just me protecting myself in some way...like shock. Like when a body goes into shock and it sort of just curls into itself until the water feels right. Looking back, that's how I can explain it.

K: But you didn't let it slow you down?

G: No. When it sunk in I sort of went into this mindset like I have all these things I want to do and now I have a deadline. I know there's that expiration date but I'm sick and I don't know how long my body will work so let's do as much as we can...let's do what we intended to do before this diagnosis and see where it takes us.

K: For you...was it a group decision?

G: I didn't want to quit because I knew if I stopped...I would decline faster than if I were to continue with the music and being some sort of voice for the issues that were important to me. For me, to keep going meant doing the things that I loved and not lying in wait for some sort of eventual hospital visit that I might not come back from.

K: So it was important to you to embrace the life you were living regardless if you had cancer or not.

G: It was very important to me. Would I call it fighting an eventuality? Maybe at first it was but as I continued to work and play and speak out for and create and write and be the Gord that I always was...I felt better. I felt I had more good days than bad days. I struggled but in those struggles was a chance for me to listen to what maybe wasn't necessarily the next step I had in mind but a next step that my body could pull off. I think the lesson in this experience of cancer for me was to work with what my body could do and when I found that relationship...I could do more.

K: Would you say that you were cautious?

G: I would say that I took the time to figure out those extra things that I needed to get things done. If I was performing and I needed help with songs or remembering...if I needed something to trigger my memory I would make sure that I had that whether it be giving people some sort of indication or if I needed screens around or if I needed someone to just put there arm around me so I knew I had someone there with me if I needed help to continue to stand. I communicated those needs with me and with those around me.

K: In the support that you got from band mates to family to physicians to your work...did you feel like that helped you with continuing some sort of purpose that you needed to accomplish?

G: I never accomplished things on my own. Whether indirectly or directly, I always had an entourage with me even if it was just a phone call seeing if I was okay or if I needed someone to take a fall for me because I needed a day off.

K: Did you ever feel as if, in those final months, that you were doing too much?

G: (shakes head) No. People around me did. (laughs softly) They had some concerns but it always worked so concern turned into kind of a pleasant shock and when they saw that I was okay...it helped to make them okay with what I so stubbornly wished to get done.

K: Were you always so passionate?

G: (laughs) Passionate?

K: About the environment or aboriginal issues or singing or whatever?

G: I figure I always had something in me that was meant to be heard. I wasn't a loud guy. I liked my privacy. I liked to be in my head but at some point...I had to share that. I also saw things that I didn't agree with...that I felt I could help change. Regardless of who agreed or disagreed...if something didn't feel right then I felt I needed to help in some way to put it right. To me...most things that I worked on or gave a voice to were no brainers. Like, having clean water for people or for nature...it's a basic necessity so why can't it happen? No brainer. Like people...PEOPLE...it didn't matter if they looked different or dressed different...the aboriginal...the PEOPLE of Canada were equal participants of life in this country and they weren't being respected or honored for their place in this country. I heard that. I felt that. It's a no brainer. They needed a voice. They needed some understanding. They still need it. I could do that. You know...all these things that I helped or I could help with or dip my pen into...they were no brainers. They were so simple to me. It was just common sense so for someone to sit and think, wow, that Gord guy is really a class act and he's really standing up for causes. What causes? These are simple common sense things that people are neglecting to see because it's too hard or they just don't fuckin' want to. Give credit where credit is due. Honor those that actually make a difference no matter how small or big but things that people speak up for...needed to be spoken up for way before I did because it's common sense and it's common decency. I just decided to define that for them.

K: Wow. Really well put. Thank you.

G: You're welcome.

K: Now that you're Spirit, do you feel the causes you worked so hard to give a voice to will maybe falter without your continued support?

G: Uh...some will. I think that sometimes, when a voice dies or is silenced that part of what they were fighting for is also silenced too. The aboriginal rights...no. See, I don't want to say bottom feeders but those people or those situations that are considered bottom feeders...they can't stay at the bottom where they were put. They can't. They rise and we've seen this for years. The aboriginals of this country are rising and they are voicing concerns for freedoms and basic human rights that they haven't received. Basic stuff like clean water or health care or to even feel that they can rise up from a past that was inflicted on them just through a simple understanding from a country around them. They were never bottom feeders. They just weren't heard because they were never understood. That understanding is slowly (turning his hands over each other) coming out because conversations are being spoken and grievances are being aired and with that comes change. It has never been violent. We are not a violent people. Sure, you have some odd ducks out there that use violence for causes but the ones that have the most to say do it in a way that people take notice. I was just a guy that said, everyone. Over here. Take a look over here. Listen to this. You gotta hear this. And people did. It's been on this continuous hamster wheel of starts. Now it's actually starting to roll towards an understanding and a forgiveness and compassion for a past that is no longer but still requires forgiveness on all sides. So short story...no. Aboriginal rights will not falter because it's basic human love. It's common respect brother for bother no matter if that brother is aboriginal, white or black. Basic human love.

K: You wrote a lot.

G: Yeah.

K: I write a lot. So I can relate.

G: It's...cathartic. It makes things have meaning.

K: What was your process?

G: A process to my writing?

K: Yeah. Did you just do it or did you mull it over or...if a song came were the lyrics easy to get out or was it a pause here and there to get it just right?

G: Spilled it. First thing for me was just to spill it and then clean it. It wasn't every time but sometimes I just picked up a scrap piece of paper and just wrote. Probably so I wouldn't forget. I had journals...scribblers...computers. Whatever was handy for the moment. But before I put the words down I was chewing on a theme. My stuff was a description of whatever it was I had my mind on and sometimes it was just a bunch of metaphors hashed together and sometimes it was more...fluid. Writing has a lot to do with mood and if I was in a certain mood things would be different than if I was in a different mood. The theme though. It was a theme...an action...a person...a cause...a word. It had to be relatable to me...in my life...of my country.

K: I'm glad you brought that up because if anyone thinks of Canada they think of The Hip. That just bleeds Canadian. Did you find a difference when you performed in Canada or outside of Canada...did you find a difference with your audiences?

G: It didn't matter if I was in a decrepit looking bar with yellow streaked toilets or in the arenas with the hockey guys. It didn't matter. The thing about Canadians is that...man...genuine. That crowd is just genuine. They just appreciate and they give as much as they get to a performance. I have a lot of love for the fans in Canada because on every stage they welcomed us home. They welcomed us into their home...their city or their province with real genuine appreciation and love and they could relate. Whatever we were playin'...man...it was relatable to everyone out there. There's a realness to playing for a Canadian crowd. Every single time we did...it was like coming home. East coast, west coast, prairies...it was all home and the crowd made it that way. That's why I just loved it and that was my so long because in every city we played in, through our whole career, we were home.

K: I'm getting choked up with that.

G: I was privileged to be able to sing to a bunch of Canadians. I found that...even if I was away from family I was still with family. (places his hand on his heart and pats it.) Yeah.

K: Whew. I feel that. (blowing slowly out of my mouth) My husband says he played The Hip while driving down the highway or camping. I mean...you're around every campfire, on every road trip, anything...you guys are there. It's incredible how much your music has touched this country and I think that it's because it is just so real and unassuming and...it's just easy. When you started your musical journey, did you consider the idea of being part of something that is so iconic?

G: No. We just played to have some fun. I was a kid. We were kids. We hung out in basements and in garages. We got small gigs. We had fun with it. I can't say that music was entirely in me when I started. I liked it. I had a knack for it. I knew something was brewing. Did I ever imagine it to be as big as it continues to be? No way. When we started though...I wanted it. Expression...I didn't think I had so much to say but when I started saying it in a way that I could promote it...I could be with my friends and just have fun while expressing the thoughts or ideas that we put music too...it was somethin'. It was really somethin'. I did some solo stuff but I always came back to what I knew and The Tragically Hip was what I knew. It was like my left arm. Just a part of me and my life and when I found out that life was ending...we needed to respect what we were and pay tribute to those that put us on that Canadian map. It was never a maybe...the way we needed to say goodbye. It was how soon can we start this cuz we have a lot of people to thank and say see ya to.

K: Were you ever worried that you wouldn't make it to that last stop on the map?

G: I mean...there were moments that I had to be accommodated to make it but I didn't allow that to be a thought of mine. I just asked for what I needed so I could make it to that last show in Kingston. That was the cherry on top, man. That show was the climax of everything we achieved as a brotherhood...as a band. Nothing was keeping me back from that. I think that drive that...I didn't owe anything but I wanted to give thanks and maybe have a final word or moment on what inspired me and us as a team...I wanted that final moment for us. A human can still have an insatiable drive to complete...to climb a mountain. It doesn't matter what's trying to hinder or hold that back. It's passion. For me, on that tour or when I was working with the rights of the aboriginal people...I was never in a state of having to endure. Once I gave in to...having to endure a sickness or a tumor or a body that didn't cooperate...you may as well pull the plug, you know? I kept my passion.

K: Stunned silence. You're amazing. When did you know it was time to just be with family, though? With those closest to you?

G: When I felt that those goodbyes were close. I didn't want those to be rushed. I felt that...even though they surrounded me on the tour and on various trips...there came a time to just be surrounded by those that knew you the best...that loved you the longest while I could still remember their faces...not so much their names. My memory was really bad by that time. But when the names were going but I still knew the faces....I had that gathering.

K: That's very profound. Did you ever want to just be alone with yourself? Did you ever just want to tell everyone to piss off? You've had it and you just wanted to curl up in a corner?

G: (laughs) Yeah. Sure...yeah. Just everyone go away? Yeah. Sure. In the last moments though...you reconsider that. I didn't push people away. If they felt I did...it wasn't intentional. But...they knew that.

K: The Tragically Hip received the Order of Canada. How did that feel?

G: Sweet. That was a sweet moment. It's great to receive recognition but because...Canada and her people...they mean something to us. So to be recognized as contributing some way to this country...to these people, I mean...wow. It was a thrill. It was an honor. I'm proud of that. Just to be an example of something that would define 'Canadian'...I'm proud of that but it was a cooperative effort with the band and with all Canadians that welcomed us. The Tragically Hip is just a part of a whole which is really cool. We're just part of a bigger picture that makes this country what it is and we had some fun along the way. Still blows me away.

K: You received the Order of Canada with your commitment to aboriginal issues. Does that still feel the same for you in those ways you just described?

G: It's a great honor and an encouraging pat on the back that the work will continue. But again, it's basic common sense to me. It's basic human dignities. It's no brainer stuff. I think receiving that acknowledgement just proves that these issues are really important to continue with and move forward with...to unite what remains which is really just human compassion and love.

K: What's life like for Gord Downie now?

G: Uh...(thinks about it) It's everything. I'd say normal to you but I don't think I could express that in any sort of way that would make sense.

K: Probably not. What do you do over there? Like...do you still create music or...I don't know. I don't have a point of reference.

G: I don't really do. I mean...there is that but just becoming. I could be a part of music or I could write a song or I could write a poem but here...I can become the music. I can become the theme. I could become the word. So the action...for me...is experiencing embodying those things without remaining separate from it. Just becoming that creation. Becoming the tune. Becoming the note. Becoming the energy of an audience. Becoming an environment. Becoming. Instead of an eagle...becoming the air it soars on. Being the air that carries the kite. It's just an amazing...existence and even though I choose to become and embody instead of remaining separate...I'm still Gord.

K: When you say you're still Gord I feel...like it's very simplistic.

G: Because I am simply Gord...Gordon...dude...Downie...the guy with the hat. I am him and that's the simple part because that guy was more than what he ever thought he was and that's cool.

K: And now you know.

G: And now I know.

K: Thank you.

G: Thank you, Kimberly. (places his hands at his chest in a prayer position and bows a little) You're a part of something too.

K: Stop it. You're going to make me cry.

G: See you.

K: Bye.

Fade out. Sort of misty. Must be a stage prop thing for effect. Whatever. It works.

Conversations with Archangel Michael

January 2, 2018

Sometimes I receive a swift kick in the arse even when I don't realize it's happening. Archangel Michael's on my speed dial. Michael, to me, like many others, is my 911. This morning, though, he dialed me. I always appreciate his honesty and his, sometimes, bluntness. I don't feel the need to be candid or shy with him. When he comes in, my demeanor matches his. Simon cringes and slaps his forehead in disbelief sometimes. I got a lot of that around three this morning. Meh. He'll deal.

M: This is a little overdue don't you think?

K: I'm not supposed to think. I'm supposed to feel.

M: Touché. So, we've been speaking back and forth for a few hours. What will you translate?

K: I'll try to translate it all. You've been channeled by so many Michael. How would this be any different?

M: Because it's yours. You see me very differently than many others. Some look for me to be...angelic. Some look for me to be...light. I come in many forms. For you, we know each other well, I will come as you see me.

K: Yeah. I do appreciate you coming with human features. Thank you for that.

M: And so I have done this favor. Tell me, Kimberly, will you do me one as well?

K: As some sort of payback for allowing me to recognize you?

M: (chuckles) I do not believe my favor will be reciprocated.

K: Well, how about you tell me what that favor is and I'll let you know.

M: I wonder if you will behave.

K: Behave? Huh. You know, you asked me this early this morning and I saw Simon literally crossing his fingers in hope.

M: (loud laughter) There are times where Simon would enjoy things to go his way.

K: Yeah. But...it's like he doesn't know me at all then.

M: He does and yet...there is hope.

K: I will try to behave but I will not make any promises.

M: Very well. Neither will I.

K: You are a popular one.

M: I am.

K: You are a go to.

M: I am.

K: Why do you think so many people use you as their go to?

M: Why not? I am easily accessible.

K: You are. How's things been lately?

M: Busy.

K: I'm sure. Well, let's get into it then. Let's talk Earth. Let's talk Chaos. Let's talk Trump and Putin and Kim Jong-un and the world of shit disturbers.

M: Are you included in this?

K: I could be. I wouldn't mind.

M: Are they the only shit disturbers of your world?

K: No but right now they seem to be the most popular. Oh...and that Harvey guy.

M: Ah. So you are using the image of certain people as an excuse for the chaos of this world?

K: I mean...there are more people than that. We all have the ability to disturb shit but we all have the ability to bring peace to chaos. So, what's taking so long?

M: Are many aware of the chaos of your world?

K: If they aren't, they certainly turn a blind eye.

M: Hhhmmm. The evolution of man...the evolution of humanity requires your idea of wake up call. What if these people were put in the position to be a wakeup call to evoke the change that people so desperately required and yet, did not know how to begin the process?

K: I see your point. I'll raise you another.

M: Ah. We gamble.

K: A little. Is it required, when the world needs to turn it up a notch in the breaking through or breaking away...is there always people that need to be the catalyst for that. Because, when I read the headlines, I am sometimes blown away by how much chaos one person can create.

M: It would surprise you to know, then, how many puppets there are.

K: Conspiracy?

M: Never. Have you never thought of yourself as a puppet, Kimberly? Have you ever been in the midst of a personal chaos and have thought it was directed by another and not yourself?

K: Yes.

M: And instead of seeing it from the perspective of you, you have only ever thought it was the cause of another?

K: Sure.

M: Even in the smallest of ways, one would consider themselves a puppet of life, being directed by the tide of the times but the tide of the times are not directed, solely, by one man. They are just a face of the change required when the change has been building up for many many years. Things, as you are aware, are no longer able to continue in a narrow minded, halfhearted perception of a distorted truth. The foot has come down. These beings...these humans you make an example of have chosen to be the catalyst for change. Many have raised their voices...many more will. It is only through the example of what cannot continue that there will be action on what can.

K: People get frustrated with the idea of free will and choice and wish to be rescued to make life a little easier. And these people...I don't blame them. It's hard, right now, to be understanding of some sort of bigger or higher picture than what we are seeing now. So, do you feel people's frustrations with not being rescued or being given an easy way out?

M: We feel the frustration but was it not by choice and outcome that one has...experienced what they have on a personal and global stage.

K: That's not one of those answers that people like to hear?

M: I am not here to speak words that people like to hear. The personal flows to the collective and the collective flows beyond. At some point they cross.

K: As the angelic realms are waiting for the invitation to assist with...I guess our free will and choice...how do they feel watching? Do you feel like you need to rush in and rescue? Do you feel like it would just be so great if you could just do it for us and Earth would be in this state of glory sooner rather than later?

M: Your words disregard the state of glory that is now. Allow me to give you an example.

K: Okay.

M: A mother and father drop their child off for their first day of school. It's exciting and yet...there's a touch of sorrow for the children are now out of their sight...they are out of their care. They must let go and allow the child to experience which they are now ready to do. The parents stand there and say goodbye. Sometimes there are tears and the teachers guide the children away from their parents as if to kidnap them and lock the door shut. The hours feel like torture as the parents wait by the phone or they wait by the window wondering what is happening to their child. It is, simply, torture.

K: Yes.

M: (leans forward) Multiply that by a million and you won't even come close to how we feel about our children on Earth living what they have chosen to do and we can only support and watch until they say, 'help'.

K: So for those that are down on their knees and wonder why life has handed them such pain and grief...

M: You think me heartless or that I sound cliché when I offer the words of choice?

K: No. Not at all. I just feel like people need more than just being told that they have the strength and the courage to overcome or to live regardless of situations because situations can be shitty.

M: Simon has spoken to you of compassionate action.

K: Yes.

M: That people are not in need of a rescue but of compassionate action.

K: Yes.

M: They require teachers and guides in human form to show these people that they contain the strength of a thousand men in one body that could do anything.

K: But at some point...people have to take the action with what they're being told or it's just words for the moment.

M: Now, you speak of your politicians and your celebrity managers as adding to the chaos of a world that seems dark.

K: Okay.

M: What if they were the teachers and guides that allowed a person to know of their strength of a thousand men. Teachers do not come in one form and one form only. They come as the shadow so the light may burn through. What has come out of the stories of the women and men that have been shamed and abused?

K: A voice.

M: A voice of what?

K: A voice of a wakeup call...of what won't be accepted anymore; a clarion call of sorts to create equality.

M: Voices of truth. Strength is not a measurement but I will give you a measurement.

K: Okay.

M: Those who find themselves in personal chaos; in the middle of what you might call a personal hell. Those who find that nothing can go right and everything is wrong. Those who do not understand why things keep happening to them...

K: Okay.

M: Their strength...if they were to find it...would equal ten thousand men for it is those that choose suffering that have the greatest capacity to love...to heal...of mastery. But, it is their call. You know of Erik Medhus.

K: I do.

M: He is a friend of yours.

K: He is.

M: Do you know the suffering he chose in his life.

K: I do.

M: He could not find his way out and so he died.

K: He did.

M: Some would judge his actions as selfish even though it was his time.

K: Some do.

M: It took death to realize his unwavering faith of humanity and Earth. It took death to realize his strength as a man. It took death to understand that love is the way of life. It took death to know how one life could impact so many and how one life could change hundreds of lives.

K: Yes.

M: Little did Erik know that what he found in death...he had in life.

I need a moment. His words are hitting me in the heart so hard that I'm beginning to cry.

M: All who feel as if their life is a constant struggle or in constant strife and darkness have the power of their Spirits and when connected to that power...it brings heaven to earth. What, Kimberly, does that feel like?

K: Shatters all walls and barriers.

M: To everything. Tell me...do you fear?

K: Yes.

M: Give me an example.

K: For conversation's sake.

M: Yes.

K: Loss. That's a big one. Not so much material but people like family and friends. It causes me to shake and tremble when that happens. I also fear driving. It's not something that I enjoy. There's a lot of arsholes out there. Rodrigo was telling me about his friend that was driving in Edmonton and I guess wasn't going fast enough for the person behind them and had a gun pulled on them. So yeah. That's a big one for me.

M: When you are in the moment of loss or when you are in the moment of driving...does someone come in and drive for you or suffer your loss for you?

K: No. I deal.

M: And what allows you to deal.

K: I have a great support system.

M: And you invite them in at times when the fear is great to support you while you find your footing again.

K: Yes.

M: These are angels in human form. You invite them to be your rock as you take action, personally, to live regardless of loss or...(laughs) driving your car. On the smallest of scales, this is the angelic world to humans. They will assist and they will support and they will be compassionate to your needs but they do this while they allow you to be the action behind the intention of your peace...your truth and your love. Many have died. Many fear loss. Many have been abused. Many have been silenced. Many find their strength as they leave this world but it is the strength that they realize they always ever had that one must embody as a human being. Take the example of those who have come back as heroes, either in the flesh or in Spirit and embody that example as something that can be done on Earth.

K: I find that that the word love has become...overused.

M: The definition has been manipulated to serve a purpose or an agenda.

K: Huh. (I get stumped by his frankness.)

M: As with any language or word, it is the intention behind the use of it that creates the definition. Not necessarily the definition. Love is not a fair description of Love.

K: No. I suppose it's not.

M: (laughs softly)

K: What is so funny?

M: Driving a vehicle is not one of your pleasures.

K: No. I mean...I like it when traffic's slow.

M: And yet...you continue to work with one who does.

K: Uh...he came to me.

M: Hhhmmm. You two are very different.

K: We are. I think that's what makes friendships work though...or any relationship...is the fact that we can understand and accept differences and viewpoints while staying true and focused on a similar goal.

M: It does bring a certain sense of intrigue...to get into one's mind and see how one works while questioning the whys of it.

K: Now to get into another's heart to see how that works.

M: It is quite another thing. Hearts remain guarded. This is not wrong but protection keeps one hidden from the world when unbolting feeling and emotion would gather the world to them.

K: Why do people keep themselves so closed off?

M: Fear of vulnerability. Fear of seeming weak. When, to show softness is true strength for in softness one is brave enough to allow.

K: Let's talk about boundaries then? Do we need to allow everything to have strength? Is allowing everything to happen to us giving us power?

M: Allowing a heart to remain open does not give a heart permission to be abused. Allowing a heart to be open allows one to know themselves intimately and to love themselves unconditionally. To have an open heart equates to an awareness of the Self and what is or what isn't appropriate to them. Standards differ from one to the next. There is no one standard for all.

K: What do you see in 2018 for humanity?

M: (smiles) You wish for prediction?

K: Just your thoughts.

M: Many many paths to the same...Source. People are becoming more aware. As we were speaking of earlier, people are becoming aware that they are not to be kept down but they are to rise. 2018 people will continue to rise despite how one views the world from the outside. Many have decided to view life from the outside in. This will begin to change. When a person views their worlds from within they are then able to see a grander vision for what is outside of them. Teachers and guides will come in many forms. I would ask that people be aware that these teachers are not always visions of light. They are sometimes those that are to allow a sort of...understanding of what needs change through shadow. If one does not have an example of what needs change or to be reworked or to be redone...things will stay untouched. To evolve, there has been a...breaking open as you would say. Things will continue to break open. I would ask those who read my words, to disengage from your media. It is well with a soul to know what is happening in the world around them...it is quite another to be sucked into a false sense of truth. There will be a continued manipulation of truth until there is a teacher that will come to shake out this distortion. Media is distortion. You will see this in your year of 2018.

K: Wow. Interesting.

M: It will be propelled by a group of individuals who have been silenced until...now. It will not be an explosion.

K: I think people want the explosion.

M: There is no need for more casualties.

K: Interesting. I feel as if the last few years, we have been building a momentum towards...something really fantastic.

M: Yes.

K: I mean...underneath all the shit disturbers and all the chaos...I feel that something truly amazing is being unearthed and I feel very joyful about this. It feels very joyful to me. I feel like I can sigh a big breath of relief actually.

M: Much lighter, yes?

K: Yeah. I mean, we've been tired of seeing so much crap but I've been really...having visions about what is beyond that and all I see is a sunrise.

M: You are correct in your visions.

K: Could 2018 be the year that this sunrise happens?

M: It is the dawn before the rise.

He shows me The Tower card in the Tarot deck.

K: Understood. Okay boss. Anything else on anything?

M: (chuckles) I regret to inform those that read these words that my dear child, Kimberly, does not take orders from me.

K: (laughs) You're right. I kind of don't take direction very well.

M: You feel much.

K: I do.

M: This is just as well for you take direction from the heart...from the soul. It is a grand connection. A connection that everyone has.

K: How's Lady Faith?

Feel pure pure pure love love love.

K: There's no words are there?

M: None.

K: People call on you but if they were to call on the union that is you and Lady Faith...results?

M: Infinite.

K: Wow. Okay cool.

M: Very well, Kimberly. We will speak soon.

K: That I'm sure of. Thanks Archangel Michael.

M: And so it is.

Conversations with Vincent Price

January 5, 2018

He came in the evening, the evening before I sat down to chat with him. He sat with me and he took me to the theater all in the same time we were together. He seemed most at home in the places that he loved. His energy was...it was like one man being many different things but I really feel like that's who he was in life. He honored what he wanted to experience and I appreciate that. He had deep passions and he shared those. I found, through the couple days I was with him, that he was a man that followed his heart and not his head. He knew what he wanted and he went after it. He still wants to be an example to people of what can be done which I appreciate. He saw another side of horror or fear that went to a deeper level; that it wasn't just about the scare but about passion and love and that whole spectrum. He didn't see the ghoulish side as anything but the same spectrum of light...just at the opposite end. Instead of seeing fear for fear he saw love that fear hid. He was really wonderful to sit and speak with and while we had many discussions throughout the time we spent together, this was the sit down chat. Here is my conversation with Vincent Price.

K: Oh my God. I can't believe how nervous I am right now.

V: Why?

K: I don't know. I mean...I've spoken to so many people but...I don't know. I'm stumped.

V: Tell me something.

K: Sure.

V: Do you normally floss your teeth when in a public place such as work.

K: I do when I have quinoa stuck to my gums. That stuff just gets right in there.

V: (smiles) I guess it is a good idea to carry floss with you then.

K: It is. So, nice to meet you Mr. Price. Thank you for dropping by yesterday.

V: Surprise.

K: Very nice surprise. Is there anything that you would like to talk about?

V: I'm very open to anything that you would like to know, my dear. I have to say that being on this side of these things...I have a different perspective on it.

K: How so?

V: Well...(gets comfortable) I portrayed a darker side of these things at times and although I have witnessed some of that here...it really isn't a part of this practice.

K: Well, to be honest, some believe that there are charlatans in spirit that pretend to be these faces or you get people saying that you're not channeling the real deal or whatever it is. It has to be something dark and sinister to be able to channel. It can't be real. I've gotten that a handful of times.

V: And what do you do with that information that is being told to you by individuals that are not willing to understand.

K: Uh...it used to really get to me and make me question things but I have a great team and there is always validation from them. I did have a...I guess I will call it a visit, where this spirit was fooling around with me and just very...jerky. Like a big tease but it felt like bullying or something. I told him he wasn't welcome here and he needed to get out. I was pretty strong with my words and he ducked out. But I have a feeling he was chased out. So, yeah, I can see people's points about some spirits pretending just to have someone on, but I never really had a lot of that.

V: Yes. There are some that try to get away with...dishonesty and it fools some. I have to admit, it does.

K: I'm sort of the...once bitten twice shy type.

V: Really. You don't strike me as that at all.

K: Well, I just don't advertise it.

V: Interesting. Are you always so honest in these things?

K: I find that if I'm honest then I receive that back from Spirit. It doesn't matter if it's published or not.

V: I respect that.

K: Thank you. So when did this turn into an interview about me?

V: It has, hasn't it.

K: A little.

V: Okay. Well, let's speak about me.

K: Usually I just ask questions based on your life but I'd really like to know, first, how you are now? You died of cancer right?

V: Among other things.

K: Do you feel it was your time or do you feel the smoking and the Parkinson's did you in?

V: But, my dear, it was my choice to smoke. For goodness sake, it was a habit. I think that I lived a long life despite the fact that I smoked. I think that my body just aged and that coupled with the smoking and the Parkinson's and...whatever else the body decided to throw at me, my body just decided to die.

K: How did you feel about death...acting in the roles that you played. Was it something that worried you or...I know you played a variety of parts but a lot of people remember you by the horror or the scary stuff.

V: I found a niche.

K: You did.

V: I...I presented myself in a way that it was easy to pigeon hole me and the work that I did. I didn't mind. Diving into things that may make a person uncomfortable was only giving me permission to explore.

K: Did you look at the Spirituality part of it?

V: No. I looked at the fun of it.

K: You did a lot more than acting. You were a cook?

V: Oh...it was an incredible thing to do because you could enjoy the outcome. I enjoyed the surprise of taste and the combinations of such variety of foods. It was an instant pleasure for me. I loved it since a young man. I was always interested in the smells. The senses came alive when food was being prepared. Food peaks a person's curiosity. It brings people together in pleasure. It contains memories and futures. Food is wonderful.

K: Wow. That's pretty...you sound pretty passionate about it.

V: I still do it you know.

K: Do what?

V: I still cook.

K: Can't you just think things into...some sort of reality.

V: It loses something. I find that I have so much more at my disposal here. And I don't just want to think something up. I want the pleasure of the process.

K: The way you talk about your cooking is almost like making love to something.

V: It's true. You know you've found a passion when you speak about it like you are in love or making love or...anything to do with love. That's how you know it's a passion.

K: What about art?

V: (sighs and places hands on his heart) What a wonderful world we live in where art is a form of storytelling or communication or secrecy.

K: Do you believe paintings can hold secrets?

V: Of course. People paint what the feel and know and want to know. They paint with what they fear and how they feel in regards to sadness or joy or...mystery. It's all there. To stand and look at a painting, you stand and look into the artist's life. It was important to me that the idea behind painting and art, in all its forms, was never forgotten. Even if children find staring at a piece of work boring, they will bring it home and try it themselves. Art is as personal as a thumbprint and people take the personality of each painting very much for granted.

K: Could you paint?

V: (chuckles) I as better at enjoying than painting but I have painted...yes.

K: You said that you found a niche or that you were pigeon holed into a certain category. Did you mind?

V: No. Not really. I had a life that was full of other things. I was diverse in my tastes; in what I wanted to see and experience. If part of that experience was acting or voicing something thrilling or scary...terror even, I had other interests and hobbies to fill what someone, might believe, lacked.

K: You feel very well rounded.

V: (chuckles) Thank you. I believe I am.

K: I want to talk about your upbringing. You came from wealth.

V: Yes.

K: Did you ever feel like you deserved more because you could have more...just because of the money in the bank?

V: Well...it wasn't mine.(the money) I never wanted for anything but the money was never mind.

K: Were you told that you needed to be part of some sort of family business or something? To continue some sort of legacy?

V: No. That was never expected of me. The wealth afforded me good schools. My father said to be anything but I must make it count. If it didn't count for anything then it was a waste of time. When I told him of my love of art, he had no...qualms about me studying it. In fact, he was very supportive in my travels to learn of it. But...in England, I went to a play and something inside of me was triggered. I felt like I belonged there. I felt like I could express myself more on a stage. I kept my passion for art but I wanted to be active in portraying something that was anxious to...come out.

K: Was England your first experience with theatre?

V: No. It just never...clicked before.

K: Huh. That's interesting. You felt a possibility with acting at a certain stage in your life.

V: It's when things, you can't explain, send you in another direction that you assumed and you just can't explain it. You can't fathom why the change. You just know there's been a change.

K: Did you question the change of course?

V: No. I never did. I experienced...there was an audible click. I remember the moment. I was sitting and watching a performance and I felt and heard this click...right here.

He's showing me the area where the bottom of the sternum is.

V: And it travelled. It made the bottom of my feet tingle and it made my arms tingle and I was short of breath. It was only for a moment but I remember. I was being told that that is where much of my life would begin and continue and it would be long lasting. It was. I never really struggled with it. It came naturally.

K: You have a certain...and I have to say it. You have a certain je ne sais quoi about you. It's very attractive. It's very magnetic. Did you feel you had that and did it help you secure roles?

V: I had a natural ability to use my voice and my body to entice and attract and put a certain...spin on characters that otherwise might come out dull. Some might say that...today...it would be over acting but we didn't have the assistance of computers or effects or anything like that. Back in those day, we only had us and so we needed to use everything of us to portray. Yes. I have to agree. I had a certain...way about me that people were drawn to and it helped me quite a bit in what I was doing as an artist in that way.

K: I remember watching you in a couple of films that were based on the works of Edgar Allan Poe. I can't remember the names of them right now but you were a scary dude in those. They were old movies but they were a little hard to watch. Did you enjoy Poe's work and is that why you could bring so much to the table in regards to either reading his stuff or acting it out?

V: I had...I do have a very deep respect for Edgar. I connected to his work like I would connect to a piece of art. His work was emotionally complicated. Some people would say he was mad (crazy). Some would say he was just a writer but if you looked deeper into his work, you would see a theme...would you like to know what it is?

K: Sure.

V: Passion. Romance. Did you know, Kimberly, that Edgar was, in his life, a hopeless romantic and that's what he pulled from.

K: How so?

V: The angst of love. The joy of love. The sadness of love when it causes a heart to break. He could feel so intensely about what he was writing about it and the intensity could be brought out in different themes such as horror. It's all on the same...spectrum. Light and dark and some have the ability to feel the light and create the dark and vice versa. He was impeccable at that. He loved so emotionally that it had to go somewhere and it went into his work. I admired that and I enjoyed that. I could sense that. It was an honor to work with that.

K: Have you spoked to Edgar over there?

V: Very much. I enjoy his company. And he wished to thank me for bringing life to his words. I didn't...when I lived, I had no idea that the work I did was honored by those here. It was good to know that I didn't fail in some way. It was good to get that assurance from those, here, that what I brought to form from another's imagination was appreciated.

K: That's really cool. Thank you for that because we...humans...sometimes don't get how appreciated we are for anything that we do. We just sort of do mindlessly.

V: It's a pity.

K: Did your acting or your voice work or writing or cooking...whatever it is that you did...did it ever become mindless?

V: I would have stopped if it had.

K: Is that why you kept so busy because you wanted to keep those juices flowing?

V: Partly. It wasn't solely for keeping busy. It was because I was...I found myself in a relationship with my work. It was a marriage. I had to give myself to the process, to the end result, to the everyday like a marriage. I had to nourish it. If things that we do are not nourished, they become mindless and mundane. They get stale. I thrived on variety. It's very important. I find that people don't have enough variety in their lives.

K: Do you think that if you just did the acting that it would have lost something because it may have become mundane. I know that I spoke with Robin Williams and he said that later in his career, he needed to do the darker stuff or the roles that would really make someone gasp because for years he felt he couldn't do that and the acting lost something.

V: One will never know...will they. How, if they had made different choices...how their life would have been. I knew...with who I was, that I required variety and it could not wait. I had my hands in many pots but I understand what Robin was telling you but some...they wait for permission or life to become available. I had the gift of financial stability so, as I said, I never wanted for anything and I was given the freedom to follow my interests. That was very influential on how I lived. It was a gift that my upbringing gave me. So to say if the acting would have been mundane...I wouldn't know what to say to that, Kimberly, because I had variety.

K: Wow. That's very cool. Variety. Even just to try other interests for the sake of trying...

V: I would say please do.

K: Okay. There's an elephant in the room that we need to talk about....

V: Is there?

K: Michael Jackson. Come on now. How did you feel?

V: (deep chuckle) It created (Thriller) a world of its own didn't it. They needed a voice and by that time...for a lot of people...I was the voice. I was that thriller...that terror and it was like bread and butter.

K: Did you like the song?

V: (laughs) I didn't mind it at all.

K: You're very polite.

Laughs together.

V: No. In all honesty, I didn't mind it. I find Michael to be an impeccable artist. Some may disagree with me but he was. I have a lot of respect for...what he showed of himself and what he gave of himself.

K: What did you like better? The stage, film or radio and music.

V: My heart...adored the stage. It was that first pull. It was my first love. At times, it was replaced with other loves but it was always my home. If I was to do a stage production, it was bringing together works of art for me. What I appreciated more than anything was that it was live. There were no do-overs or cuts or re-takes. To play the theater, a person has to be willing to channel the character and live the character so the lines come easily and smoothly. They must step out of their skin and allow another to replace them in your form.

K: You think that acting in the theatre is sort of like channeling?

V: Because it all happens in that moment. There are the rehearsals but in that moment on stage, it's all happening now. It's life now and when stage performers realize that it is a life they are stepping into at that exact time and it must be lived at that exact time...that is the only moment that matters. Life pours out as it's meant to. Sometimes the rehearsals give an idea but just like life, the next day...the performance has a different energy and appearance. The actors are different in their minds and hearts because they've lived another day. It's magnificent and it's respectful because you are bringing to life...so much in a moment.

K: That's amazing.

V: Film...I liked it but it lacked challenge. Radio was like theatre without the face so, it was a little easier. Theatre was beautifully challenging; a challenge I enjoyed very much.

He takes me to a theatre and he's walking down the aisles of it...sort of like remembering...sort of like visiting a childhood home. It's old. It sort of reminds me of the Princess of Wales Theatre in Toronto which is stunning.

K: Can't you just jump on any stage and act anything?

V: It's different. I did that as the human I was...with the duality that I was. It's very different.

K: I wouldn't know.

V: Here, I can act anything I want and I can just make it so. There is something to be said about a human actor; to feel the thrill or the joy or the frustration of forgetting something. To feel or to do while trying to be someone else while remaining who you are....that's the biggest difference.

K: Sort of like viewing other lives as that higher aspect of you.

V: That's viewing. That's not acting.

K: Ah. Got it.

Smiles.

V: Did you know you acted?

K: I do know that.

V: You were very good.

K: I had a good teacher.

V: You had a good writer.

K: That helps.

V: It didn't last long.

K: Life happened...apparently. I've been told. I don't remember much.

V: Yes.

K: So what could you tell people that they could hold onto and maybe incorporate into their lives today?

V: I would say...there is something to be said about the saying the spice of life. The spice is the variety. The spice is...something that could change everything and make it so...defining. Tastes are defining but are brought to new heights through the spices...the aromas. Find the variety. People are capable of so much but people feel limits. Don't limit your life or what you could do or experience. Try it all. Practice anything. Not everything will work out. Not everything will grab the attention of others but do it anyway. If an idea or a thought clicks...follow that. That is success whispering in your ear but with the success a person has to be aware of the work but the work is what defines it. You don't choose to engage in or learn about something to have it done for you. You choose it to experience the process of it that will bring you to that eventuality of success. It can be hard but if a person reached a goal easily would it be as appreciated or...relevant. I'm not saying that life has to be a group of hard tries to get to success because if there's passion...a little hopeless romanticism (winks)...if it clicks...the hard won't seem hard. The hard will be an enjoyable experience and people can see and focus on the secrets of the art that only they can add to the masterpiece. Keep the spice. Make life interesting. See what happens. Find the thrill...something that keeps you on your toes or leaves you wanting more.

K: Thank you so much.

V: Thank you so much and for accepting me into your home.

K: You know...I find that as much knowledge I gain from every visit...I find that you guys offer me a certain amount of freedom. My home is always open but if there's a trickster, they will be escorted out.

V: I have no doubt. Thank you Kimberly. It's been a pleasure.

K: It's been a very big pleasure. Thank you Vincent.

He nods and turns back to the stage. Goes behind a curtain and is gone and I am pulled back to life.

Conversations with Pontius Pilate

February 20, 2018

Like lions circling each other...that was what this was. I've never had Simon step into a conversation and tell me to basically walk it off. I flared. The images and the feelings...got to be too much. In the end, we came to an understanding. He decided to be softer instead of so flippant, and I decided to try my best to stay completely detached. I understand what had to happen...that still doesn't mean I have to agree with what happened. Here's my conversation with Pontius Pilate.

K: Quite honestly, I wasn't expecting to channel you.

P: And in all honesty, I was not expecting to be channeled.

K: Have you been channeled?

P: Yes. Many times. Most are not shared.

K: Why?

P: Because of how I am viewed in your history which I am assuming you wish to speak about now.

K: Well, since you mentioned it. But here's the thing...you sort of came in on your own.

P: I was curious.

K: Really. Is that how you usually look at people these days? With curiosity?

P: I am curious about those who wish to share history in a truthful manner even if it pains them, so, to do such a thing.

K: Do you feel you've been seen in a light that is...not so bright?

P: I am painted in a lot of lights. I give no excuse for the history that people believe to be true. I am not here to change history that people wish to believe. But I feel that when any spirit is given the chance to speak from who they were or are...I believe those chances are not to be missed.

K: Huh. Okay. Well, it's nice to meet you Mr. Pilate?

P: Pontius will do.

K: Cool. So, do you meet up with Jeshua?

P: The King?

K: Yes.

P: I have met with Him numerous times. Yes. That is no secret.

K: Did you believe that the day Jeshua was crucified was a plan that was to unfold as it did and that it was out of your hands?

P: I believed that I had a mob mentality on my hands. I've never witnessed so much anger from a crowd before, in my life, towards a man that had done nothing.

K: You asked Him to admit that He was King of the Jews. Did He?

P: He placed it back on me. He told me that I had said it. He told me that if I had said it then it must be so.

K: Why? Because you were Governor?

P: Because He would not title himself. The title that He was given was bestowed upon Him by others and not Him. He was a man. He did not wish to be seen as a person of authority. He was only a man.

K: But He had a following.

P: He did.

K: Who was more...afraid of His following or the rumors of who He was? Was it Rome or was it the Jewish priests?

P: Rome was not involved in the decision to crucify people. I walked a fine line between being a governor appointed by Rome and the sects that spread through the provinces as a religion to worship. The religion...as it were...was just as powerful as the governor appointed by Rome. It is only that Rome held the power and not the Jewish leaders. You heard me correctly. The Kohanim. Do not put words in my mouth, child. I am speaking to you of that which you have asked.

Arrogance...check...back up...check. My back.

K: Uh...FYI, it's more to see if I'm hearing you correctly so I can write your truth. Yes?

P: Yes. (clears his throat) My place was a balance between the two.

K: Who felt the most threatened? Because people must have felt threatened, by this man, to put Him to death.

P: I, myself, did not understand it. (gets up and paces the floor) I did not understand their fear. Because if this was indeed the King of the Jews and He had such power as was perceived, then He was a threat and needed to be disposed of. Why they were so threatened by such a simple man...it was beyond my comprehension but it was my duty to maintain order in Judaea and I would have order regardless if there was a King born or no.

K: People described you as a terror. You ruled with a lot of violence.

P: (laughs) Would you like to come back in time with me and see for yourself how the world was when I ruled those lands?

K: Not particularly.

P: Rome was spat upon for bullying their way in and taking over countries that could not defend themselves. Their defense was weak but time and again soldiers of Rome were murdered...were killed...were tortured. There was no such thing as a peaceful people in those days. There was desperation. Those who chose peace chose to turn a blind eye to thievery and lies. It was tit for tat. The people of Judaea gave us a run for our money. Some were abhorred that they felt their people trapped and enslaved by Rome. But if it wasn't Rome it was Egypt. It was something or someone.

K: So Judaea was not free?

P: Nothing was free. Everything was conquered or being conquered and it was constant battle to hold a footing. You ask if my rule was in terror. I would agree because it was the way to maintain order.

K: Did you feel power on the backs of those you terrorized?

P: I will tell you something.

K: Sure.

P: I was reactive and you know why I reacted in situations?

K: Why?

P: Because I was scared that if I did not react and show anger or show power that I would lose my hold on the people and Rome would slither back to where they came from with their tail between their legs and I would pay for it with my life.

K: Did you not pay with your life anyway?

P: (smiles) I did.

K: Was it suicide, murder or a death sentence?

P: You would call it a death sentence. I would call it a murder; a murder in the guise of a death sentence. I did not take my own life.

K: Why were you killed?

P: For many reasons. Mostly, the Emperor could not justify what I was or had acted like in Judaea.

K: Really?

P: I crossed many lines and was not completely honest and I was reported and so I was called back. I did not live long after returning to Rome.

K: How was Judaea after you left?

P: After the death of Jeshua...it would never be the same. There was division. You had the ministry of Jeshua that was being spread and you had Roman Gods, you had the Jewish beliefs...Palestinians...it was very divided and yet...the one thing that united them was the man you call Jeshua. Maybe because of rumor...maybe because His message was one that could allow people to lay their heads down at night and not believe they would be condemned to nothing if they died. No...(shakes his head) the people were very divided.

K: What did you believe?

P: I didn't know much about what He spoke of. I didn't care to know. What I did know was that His name was creating a situation in my province and I had the Jewish council pressuring me to do something because of their fears that this man was the rightful King and they would cease to hold power if proven correct.

K: But were they willing to prove it?

P: They were not willing to prove anything. Dear girl...what if it was right? They would rather He be put to death than to risk the rumors to be proven correct.

K: Were trials always paraded?

P: No, they were not.

K: Why was Jeshua?

P: Because his trial was public. Very public.

K: Who ordered that?

P: The people.

K: And what would you have done?

P: What would I have preferred?

K: Yes.

P: Order restored.

K: So it didn't matter that it was so unconventional, just to get the people to shut up, you had a very public display of torture and humiliation.

P: You're angry.

K: I'm livid! (top blown off)

My temper flairs and Simon comes in wings and all.

P: Most are.

S: Kimberly.

K: (raising a finger) Don't even think about it, Simon.

P: (sits) You fail to see something very important.

K: And what is that?

P: That it was scripted by something with more power than I will ever have.

K: That doesn't mean that I can't be...I have little understanding or sympathy for your actions.

P: Understood. Shall we do a play by play. That is why you're talking with me. You are asking for the truth from me...how I saw it and if you still require that, I will be more than willing. I understand your anger. I understand that you are very close with Jeshua. I understand He is a brother to you. But it is done.

K: I need a break. (To many pictures and feelings to absorb.)

P: You are entitled to take as much time as you need.

S: Kimberly. Take a moment.

Coming back.

P: (watching me come back) So.

K: So.

P: What is it that you think of me, Kimberly?

K: Honestly?

P: Of course.

K: I think you're a coward...or you were a coward. I understand that you...it was a life that you lived. I get that but as you present to me...as you were, I'd like to adjust your attitude for you and I think you act like a coward.

P: (leans forward closer to me) You would be right. I was that which you peg me as. I was a coward. Most people in power are. There are few that rule or...govern with integrity. I don't speak of them. There have been righteous men and women who have worked for the people they put their signatures on but...I speak for me. I was a coward. (sits back and remembers) My wife begged me not to. She said she had visions. She was upset. The news of this King had many feeling...so much whether it be disbelief, anger that he assumes himself to be That...adoration...hope. He elicited hope for a people that, at times, were destitute. His name signaled peace. Those who did not want peace, fought it. Those who didn't know what to believe...they turned away. There was so much...so many were torn but I believe his presence was meant to do that for to unify a world, what divides it must be destroyed. Unity comes with walls that are torn down. Some...don't want them to be torn down because then they would have to face a world that is uncomfortable; that they would have to make peace with themselves before making peace with a neighbor and while many were...ready for the challenge; many were not. Obviously. An innocent man was crucified because of those that were not. I had a part to play. I was a pawn in a bigger game of chess than what I could fathom. He had his part to play and that was sacrificial. He understood. I never did. Not until my life was over and my spirit remained did I understand the significance of His act. He changed time. The world could not stay the same. He was the catalyst for change. He understood that while others refused to accept it. Accept that He was the change.

K: Why don't you take me through that day through your eyes as you were.

P: I've never seen such a sight. I've never witnessed...insanity as was that day. It was customary to pardon a prisoner during Passover. One was given the chance. They stood side by side. One on my left and one on my right. I could look one in the eye...the other, I could not.

K: Why?

P: Because I would not listen to what my heart was telling me. I gave the power over to the crowds. I could have kept it for myself and made the decision I knew was the right one...on my own. But I did not. You looked to the crowd and you saw those who wept and begged, asking for their King to be saved. More shouted in anger towards Him; to a man that only stood in place and took it. He took all of it like robes of steel and He wore the hatred; the hatred was for no apparent reason and I often wondered how. How could there be so much anger and hatred for such a simple man who did nothing to deserve this emotion.

K: You tried Him for treason because it was said he called Himself the King of the Jews.

P: Yes. I asked Him and like I said, He placed it back on me. I am what you name me. He understood there was no arguing assumption or belief. People will believe what they will. People will assume what they will and they will convince themselves of the truth of it. So much so that it will become passionate. He did not label Himself as anything but of God. What God? I knew of many, He spoke of one. Yahweh.

K: What did you think of Him as he stood there?

P: I silently begged for Him to say something. Anything that would allow me to make a different decision than what I was making. I knew...I knew. I would never admit it then. I was too proud. I was too scared. I feared what would happen if I let Him go. I saw how...the world was. Your world, as you see it now...you want it changed. You want peace. You want unity. You see voices raised in anger and protest. You see weapons being raised in defense or in anger. I witnessed the same thing. Yes, it was more extreme but it parallels. You are ready to see a new world. I...unbeknownst to me...was a witness to its unfolding. (shakes his head to clear it) The parallels are more so than the contrast. It just looked differently.

K: What did you notice most about Him?

P: Jeshua? Hhhmmm...His acceptance of his place in that...chaos. He never made a sound. He was tortured. Close your eyes if you do not wish to see.

K: Closing my eyes makes it worse.

P: He never made a sound. I heard, when they asked for His body, that He cried out before He died. That is when I made myself scarce...I needed a moment because in that moment that I heard He cried out...only at the moment of His death...I knew. I could not show that I knew.

K: Did you feel shame?

P: I felt I had something to cover up. I've done much in my time as Pontius Pilate. I've had much I've felt I needed to cover up. I needed everything clean but before I tried to clean...I would cower before my heart. This was no different.

K: So you found Him...different. (statement more than a question)

P: I found He was accepting of His fate. He knew of His fate and He was willing to let it play out as it was foretold.

K: Did you resent that you listened to the Jewish Councils or the Kohanim?

P: As it were, I felt I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I was to keep order. We were a governing body of different sides. They, ultimately, had to do what Rome dictated but...the people were theirs. It was a fine balance. Rome ruled their place in their world. The Jewish faith and culture ruled their way of life.

K: Did washing your hands of Jeshua's fate make you feel better about it?

P: No. It did not.

K: Do you feel the process was fair? Your so called trial?

P: It was how things were done. Now, of course not. I do not think it was fair.

K: What do you think of your place in history as the one who put Jeshua to death?

P: I was a puppet. I was a pawn. There are things you find out when you die and you see with different eyes. I was part of a plan that was my choice to take part in. I did not know the significance of that plan until I left my body.

K: Did you watch the crucifixion?

P: I never watched the outcome of verdicts. I simply honored them.

K: Were your soldiers affected by what they did on your orders?

P: There were some that were truly shaken. There were some that had witnessed...something that could not be named. There were some that followed Him as He walked the streets with the cross...they were of one mind and one heart and when it was done, they had changed. They had walked away from their posts but that was desertion and was punished by death. Some were found. Some were not. Some claimed sanctuary with the Jewish leaders. They could not be touched there. For a soldier to abandon their post...(he pauses) their hearts have been changed.

K: So you didn't see Him paraded through the streets?

P: I watched as He left his trial...if you could call it that. I watched as He walked and then I turned and walked the other way.

K: Were you disappointed in yourself?

P: I was. I was angry with myself but I put the blame on those that called for His death.

K: Did you hear the rumors that He was supposed to rise? From the dead?

P: It was a prophecy that I took as rumor because I did not believe that a man could rise from the dead.

K: Did you hear that He did?

P: I did.

K: I honestly don't know the interpretations of the stories about that. I don't think I even talked to Him about that. I talked to His mom, Mary. She said she rose as well.

P: Did she? Of course she did. I remember the horror on that woman's face. She tried to hide it...understanding how this was supposed to end. But...her eyes gave her away. Her sobs...were relentless.

K: When you heard the rumors (that Jeshua has risen)...what did you do about them?

P: I washed my hands of his conviction and death. I did as I was instructed to do. The fallout of the body belonged to those who put him in His grave. There are stories that I searched for a body. I did not. I had done my part. I had other matters to attend to other than the continuing fears of disbelievers.

K: Did you believe...after seeing him accept a fate...did you believe that it was possible?

P: No. I did not believe in magic. It was not long after that I was called back to Rome. I left it there. I left Him and His memory there where He died.

K: When you died; when you left this earth, did you see Him?

P: No. Not right away. I have seen Him.

K: When you first saw Him...what was that moment like?

P: He embraced me. It was only then that I was aware that He knew all that happened...He knew the players; their positions. He knew.

K: Do you think He shared this information with anyone?

P: A select few. His mother. The Mary Magdalene. Simon...who you know as Peter. Judas, for he was to be the traitor. I was to condemn Him to death. Judas was to betray Him to death. Two pivotal roles that had to be played out. Very difficult parts to play.

K: Even though you know that His fate...I guess...was sealed to save a world or to have a world begin again with maybe a new understanding...do you wish that it would have been different? Does part of you still wish that it didn't have to be that way for Jeshua?

P: I will be honest and tell you...I wish I had not succumbed to fear. I wish I would have been a braver man and saw who...I wish I was a braver man.

K: Did you face scrutiny for your part?

P: Yes. To this day I face scrutiny but it is understandable. I don't take offense because...I made the choices I did for a bigger picture than what anyone could see. I couldn't see that. I felt it. But I ruled by reaction and not by feeling. Feeling was for the sympathetic and the weak. There was no place for those people in those times. I lived in carved stone. It was a hard existence. I was the example of hardness.

K: So once the excitement or the protests had died down...

P: I didn't think of it again.

K: What was the most...in life or in death...what was the most significant thing that has stuck with you in that event?

P: To be thanked by a Master that you ordered be hung on a cross. He does not think of the crucifixion. It is humanity that has focused in on that event. The event He feels is of great importance is the resurrection and the meaning of that. People crucify themselves daily. You can look at it as small or large, as insignificant or significant as you want. People also rise every single day; as small or as large as it seems, the resurrection is symbolic. I will also never forget the way Jeshua stood and accepted. One man held or bore the strength of a thousand men. Whether one believes in the existence of Christ or not...to take something from His story...would that not create pause for thought. If you thought nothing of the man...could His story not be taken as an account of what a human being can be? Forget about His death and research what He spoke of. He was the white lamb in a flock of black. He was different. He spoke of love. No one had mentioned the ideas or the philosophies that He taught. Even if the man was not something you gave credit too, could what He spoke of be?

K: It's a hope of many.

P: Is it? He...the man or the story...created a foundation through other people's accounts of His life. Yes, you may float around in your conspiracy. They did when He was alive. But what truly was saved...was the foundation of His teachings. Not the facts and the arguments that they were all different. But the foundation of that is love.

K: When did you begin to believe in love?

P: I wished for that to take the place of the man that I was but there was no room. Not at that time on Earth. There was no room in me for that. The equivalent of such emotion or feeling was that of weakness. It was one of sacrificing something of oneself to feel it. I did not wish to sacrifice. I chose a part where I had to save face to have order.

K: Was he a King to you?

P: Yes.

K: After everything or before?

P: During. I was not brave enough to accept it as truth...He was the way...He spoke those words. I was reluctant to hear them because when one is reluctant...they do not wish to hear truth. They only wish to hear what appeases their fear or their worry. Truth can add to that if one has no foundation.

K: Did you have that foundation?

P: No. I did not. I apologize if I upset you.

K: I'm not really sure how to respond to that. I can't say it's okay. Because it's not. But I'm also very aware of...when I witness that event and when I witness that anger and the brutality and to see that someone just allowed it to happen...that's not okay with me. I know how it ended and how it continues to be and I realize the position I have chosen to give a voice for those who ask that of me but I would never just negate the fact that it's still very difficult for me to watch, hear and feel.

P: Yes. I understand that. How can I make you understand the brutality of a world that once was? And those who decided to play a part in that time could not help but be that as well. I was that as well. The world...and it still is...is based on survival instinct. It is based on reaction. It is based on what I can get at the expense of someone else. That was the world and it continues to be...in a sense. Through your work and the work of others...it is to bring to the light information that could have been considered or that we have learned from and forgiven ourselves for so history does not end up repeating itself and if it does...it is not in the same way. History has repeated itself and humanity is on the edge of their seats to witness as such...again. But...there is no repeat.

K: Is there another savior on the horizon?

P: Yes...you and them and they and us and the whole. The world is at a maturity level where it is to save themselves and more and more are becoming aware of this fact.

K: Why is it so hard to see some days?

P: Because...the walls of stone have come down. People wish to pretend that they still stand. They don't.

K: Huh...the illusion.

P: Correct. I have taken much of your time. There are things you need to complete in your day. I do not wish to keep you any longer. You have been most gracious with your energy.

K: Really?

P: You are not the first to condemn me...you will not be the last but...I don't believe you can stay in that space now that you are aware of who I was...that I could actually feel. I simply chose to ignore them.

K: Feelings?

P: Never ignore your feelings. They are the truth...they are you...you are the way. Just as He was.

Chest is burning with emotion.

K: Great. Now you've made me cry.

P: You have many that are willing to wipe your tears. Remember...I was a puppet. I was a pawn. When do you believe humanity will understand they are not that any longer?

K: I don't know.

P: Good. A surprise ending as a new chapter unfolds. We will meet again.

K: For?

P: I appreciate passion when I feel it. I appreciate when it is expressed. I dislike a dull conversation. Take that as a compliment.

K: I will.

P: Thank you, Kimberly.

K: Thank you, Pontius...that just doesn't sound right to me.

P: Hhhmmm...it doesn't matter. Merely a title. One that I choose not to hold myself to. It was an experience...one that is done but will forever be a part of me as Kimberly will be of you. Good afternoon.

K: Bye.

Leaves slowly as I take a cleansing breath. I feel like I've been holding it for hours.

Conversations with Selena Quintanilla-Perez

February 28, 2018

I was listening to 90s music when she came showed herself. One of her songs came on and she just dropped in and it hit me with so much emotion and so much...benevolence that I was on the verge of tears for a couple of hours. She is pure sugar...just so sweet and there's this happiness and joy about her that cannot be put into words. She does speak about her death in a very raw way because that's how she felt about it. I got the sense that she was okay...she knew it was her time but she also needed to be healed a little bit from it. Sort of like it wasn't fair even though she knew it was the time. Tough to explain. Roger Rodas was with me yesterday and he had this anticipation about him and now I know why. Read on and it will explain. She was very candid with me. She was very honest and up front. She didn't sugar coat anything but I don't expect that and I don't do that myself. After we had talked...I felt freedom in the sense that there was a talk that needed to happen to get something off a chest. You know those chats with friends or family that happen because someone just needs to get something off their chest...that's what this was like. I appreciated that very much. I'm honored that I experienced that from such a beautiful spirit. Here is my conversation with Selena Quintanilla-Perez, aka Selena

K: Are we good to go?

S: I think so. Are we? (she gives a thumbs up)

K: Yeah.

S: I think we have company. (she points to the side)

K: I think so too.

S: Come here... (She's waving over the man that's come in and he's shaking his head no like he doesn't want to interrupt.) He's playing shy. (laughing)

K: He's so friggin' cute right now. I love that man. Roger! Come over here.

He's taking off a ball cap and holding it in front of him while he's walking towards us.

K: What is wrong with you? Why are you acting so shy?

S: Hi. (she greets him with a big smile)

R: Selena. Oh my... (He can't even finish as he shakes her hand.)

I just feel such adoration from him for this woman. It's like he's meeting his favorite celebrity or someone he looks up to a lot.

K: (laughing)

S: It's nice to meet you. Roger?

R: Yeah.

S: Why don't you join us?

K: You've been coming in since yesterday afternoon. Have you been waiting for this?

R: I just heard that Selena was coming to visit you and I just had to drop in.

K: Are you going to join us then?

R: No no. I'll watch.

K: I can get you a coffee or something.

R: I'm good. No. I'm okay. I just wanted to say hi. We can talk after.

S: Come here and give me a hug. (She stands and holds out her arms to him and they hug quickly.)

R: Wow. Yeah. Okay. I'm good. I'll come back later.

K: Okay. You can stay you know.

R: I'm good. I'm alright.

S: Okay. See you soon.

R: Okay. Thanks.

We watch him go.

K: He's the cutest. I swear...he's, like the sweetest man. I love him.

S: Aw. (puts her hands to her chest) That's so nice. Is he family to you?

K: In a way he is. I have a big extended family here.

S: I love that.

K: Me too. You've been channeled a few times so I was surprised to see you yesterday. It's like...you're song came on and WHAM, you drop out of nowhere and with such emotion and heart. It was sort of overwhelming. Almost brought me to tears a couple of times.

Now she's playing with my ears. It feels like I'm underwater.

S: It's easy to come in and talk to people because...it's like that memory that they have of me and that respect and that absolute love for who I am...it's still there and because it's just this profound love that I get from so many people, it makes that ability to connect really easy and people are genuinely happy to see me and hear from me and they are so welcoming. Like you. (she gestures to me with her hands)

K: And I get that because your energy is so easy to connect with and it sparkles and it's like...life. It's just so real and alive. Was that how you were when you lived on Earth?

S: I tried to be. I tried to be positive and magnetic because I wanted to create those connections with everyone. I laid my heart out there for everyone because I always got that back and it was easy to do because I never wanted to think badly about someone. I always wanted to find the good in people and that's where that...I guess those who came to see me sing or who saw me perform in whatever way that was...they felt that...what I was giving and so I mostly got that back.

K: Do you believe in a two way street in regards to receiving? Like what you put out you get back?

S: I do. I really do but it's not always easy because people are all different right? So, you just have to do your best and the rest will follow. My mom told me that. My dad was the hard work will pay off.

K: Yeah. When you show me your parents, your mother is definitely a softer feel and your dad is more...no bullshit.

S: (laughs) He is. But it's very much out of deep love.

K: And you want to channel again?

S: I heard that this would be different so I was...I wanted that word for word that you give but I know I can create a lot of emotion so if you need me to just pull back, I will.

K: No problem. I don't even know where to start, really. I guess I would like to start with the language. You didn't speak a lot of Spanish did you?

S: I spoke a little. But no, we spoke English in the house.

K: So how did you begin to sing in Spanish?

S: My dad used to sing and he wanted that music or that influence in our lives. It's what I began with. It didn't matter that I didn't totally get what I was singing about. The thing about music is that it's universal. It's a language all by itself and if you sing in English you can sing in Spanish, you can sing in Italian, you can sing in French. Music has lyrics but...you can have two piano players or you can have two guitarist come together...they can't communicate with words but because the music they're playing is universal...that is how they can communicate and in that way, they can have a conversation through the music and not so much the words.

K: Wow. Already, blowing me away.

S: But it's so true. So when I sang...it was the melodies or the tunes or just the music that I connected to with my body and my heart. The lyrics were part of that but I think that's why I could express the lyrics in Spanish because the music and the energy of whatever song...that touched me first and the lyrics flowed better in that way.

K: Did you eventually learn Spanish?

S: Oh yes. I did. My dad made sure that I knew because once the band started gaining momentum and we started being interviewed...we started in Mexican culture and so we had to speak to people in Spanish. How could a singer that sung in Spanish...how could they ever be credible if they couldn't...engage with the audience in that same way. So it was important. It didn't happen right away. It was only when we started really gaining that popularity that we thought we needed to do that. And...it came easily. But I always had that attitude that with anything...whatever it was that I wanted to do, I had to work hard. So I gave things my full attention and even if I didn't see the pay off right away, I still worked at it. That was my dad's influence. We were never taught to give up. We were taught to work harder and it was exhausting sometimes. It was tiring but we were working together to build something important to us and so that's what kept us going.

K: When I remember the movie...I was thinking that your dad...I don't want to compare at all but it sort of paralleled The Jackson Five without the abuse.

S: He took us under his wing. For sure. (laughs a little) and we had our disagreements. We didn't see eye to eye all the time. In the beginning...we had nothing. Some families start restaurants. We tried. Some start bands. We did that too. (laughs) Because we had to find something that...we had to make some money. We had to live. It was a really tough go for a long time but my dad knew that...we were something pretty special and we were worth it. I would never single myself out because it was never about only me. Even though it was perceived to be...we needed to keep that family unit and that team focus for it to work.

K: So you never became some sort of Diva...bow to me type thing.

S: (laughing) No! Oh my God. No.

K: You trusted a lot. Do you feel that maybe you were a little naive in your trust with people?

S: (pauses to think) I could be. Yes. But...when you look at Latin culture and it's not just Latin but everywhere but I speak for Latin culture...it's extremely welcoming. It's extremely humble. It's a community. Anywhere you go there is welcome. There's no segregation or separation. There can be desperation but that's all around the world and that's the rough stuff that people judge the Latino culture on but besides all that...and I can't even necessarily agree with that judgement because I only ever experienced being welcomed. So I trusted because that was my background...to welcome because everyone that touched my life or everyone that I was blessed to have touched in some way...they became family and I automatically went to...you trust your family. No one is really out to get you. They just want to experience a part of you. So I wore that and I showed that and I was an example of that. You said yourself you have an extended family here.

K: I do. Very much.

S: And because of that...you trust and you welcome and you invite.

K: Yes.

S: That was the same with me. So would you call it being naïve?

K: Good point. I guess that just gets washed away when you're just connecting from your heart.

S: Exactly. I'm very heart based. I feel a lot. I wouldn't say that I'm emotional although I could be. I just wanted to express joy. I wanted to express love. And I did that through music and that's how I was able to connect with the world.

K: You sang pretty wholesome stuff.

S: It was important to me that the music be for all ages. I had many children and teens...listen so I wanted to create a message that wasn't dark or angry or promiscuous. I just wanted it to feel good. I wanted, whoever listened to the music, to feel good.

K: Then...I have to ask...hot mamma.

Gets what I'm about to ask and laughs. God, she has the best laugh.

K: The clothes. Come on now. You wore the Madonna bras and the tight pants and all that stuff. Not everyone agreed with the style choices that you wore. That maybe it was too promiscuous...something that you were trying to stay away from in the music.

S: I could never understand why a woman had to hide away because it wasn't proper or it wasn't right when a man could wear anything. He could be shirtless and show his physique. He could do that so why couldn't she? And if she did, why would she be called inappropriate or hypersexualized. The image was judged based on clothes and that's not fair to anyone. I wanted to show that a woman didn't have to hide. That they could be sexy and they could show off no matter what they looked like. We aren't one size fits all. We have big butts and we have big bellies and we have breasts and we have thighs...oh my God...we have thighs! We have all of this and it needs to be accepted and celebrated. The clothes didn't define who I was on the inside. They were part of expression and I felt that...freedom in that was allowed. I didn't purposely dress in some sort of inappropriate fashion to create judgement calls. I felt good and I wanted to show that if you felt good...if anyone felt good, express that. You don't have to consider yourself hypersexualized. You can still have boundaries and you can still love yourself enough to be respected by everyone. Don't wear tights and bras to work. (laughs) There's a time and a place. There's appropriateness that way.

K: So don't hide yourself. Be proud of what you were born with or what you decide to be in your human skin.

S: Be proud of that. Be so proud of that because there's so much beauty in empowerment and showing off.

K: Strutting.

S: Strutting. (nods) It's not showing off to be better than. It's showing off to say...we all are. Men...women...we all are.

K: So cool. Now I know why Roger likes you.

S: I like you too Roger! (She calls to him. He's sitting on the side probably about ten feet away. He just nods, smiles and waves a little.)

K: What was the most important thing to you about who you were as Selena?

S: Oh...good question. (thinks) Honesty. I didn't want to hide behind an image and only be that image. I wanted to be authentic. I wanted the songs I sung to have meaning to who I was as a person. I didn't care to sing anything that didn't give me some sort of feeling or that I wasn't touched by, personally. I wanted to share me through music...sometimes through fashion but to share me I had to feel good or...resonate with what I was doing. If I didn't...I wouldn't. Those were values of mine and they were values that my family held too. I had a lot of decisions that I had to make, personally, that affected me but with the music...it always came back to the family. We represented together. The band...I was a part of the whole of us. I stood out but I never considered that I did because I always had back up and that was my family and we stood together.

K: Were you pissed at your sister for ratting you out about you and Chris?

S: (big laugh) I think my father and his protective influences were very much a part of that. No, I was sort of relieved actually because then I could actually start being honest and hiding someone that you love is...it's not right. So even though that was a difficult thing and I had to fight for what I loved and wanted in my life no matter what...it was meant to happen. It had to happen. It wasn't fair to Chris or me to have to hide what we felt for each other. So in those moments...I guess I was pretty mad but I knew that's the way it was supposed to happen. My father had to be hit square in the face with the obvious reality that I was...a woman and women fall in love and I had. There were concerns that if I had relationships or love in my life that my priority would shift and that would be my focus (love). That was a big fear and as much as it could have been that way...Chris was part of our band...he was part of our family in that way so that wasn't a...I guess I could say it wasn't a fair fear. Chris was and is a very...when he's in it, he's in it all the way. The commitment factor of that man was amazing; to his music and to people and to those he genuinely cared for...he had this ability to spread himself to whatever area in life he was needed...even at the same time but always have enough that he wasn't tired or he didn't feel like he didn't have enough. I always considered him my angel and in that way...he was sort of omnipresent. He was capable of being so much to so many in different ways that he was needed to be. I wished I could be more like that.

K: You were though. I mean, it takes a lot to be a performer and a designer and a boutique owner...all of that while still finding the time to be committed to family and friends and life. That takes a lot.

S: I had the best team. I really did. I was blessed in my life to have so much support.

K: I want to talk a little bit about Yolanda if that's okay.

S: That's okay.

K: Looking at her now...as Spirit and taking out all of that shit that happened. I mean...I think you want to go there although it's still hard for you.

S: It is.

K: How do you see her now? Knowing everything and being able to see from all angles?

S: Um...She was an opportunist. She...underneath it all she was narcissistic. She could manipulate. She abused an opportunity.

K: You trusted her.

S: I did. She was...she put forth this incredible loving presence; a presence that would do anything to just help. And I feel, in the beginning, she truly meant that. I think she wanted to be wanted and when that happened, she wanted what she wanted because it was easy. She had the means for it to be easy but lies come out as truths and when you're manipulating...love in a way that takes in a selfish way...it will turn the tables and it did.

K: Did you believe your dad? Did you believe in his concerns?

S: (shakes her head) I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to see that this sweet woman, who only showed such love for me, was stealing from me...was stealing from my fans...was using her position to bully...I just didn't want to. I couldn't because that's not the side that I saw.

K: When did you realize?

S: I only realized when my dad...and it broke his heart because he knew it would break mine...but when he showed me the records of everything. There was tangible proof. It just couldn't be ignored and I was mad and I knew I had to make things right because in a lot of ways...I had prolonged this because I didn't want to see the writing on the wall that everyone else was seeing.

K: In any part of you...when you went to meet her...did you feel any fear or apprehension or that she was even capable of shooting anyone?

S: No. No.

I'm beginning to feel the hurt and the sadness that she felt. She still feels. It's very overwhelming. Like a big heavy rock being placed on my chest. Deep mourning.

K: What do you think that experience was for?

S: Um...it was a big experience in finding forgiveness. Even when death happens at the hands of someone and you know that it's this big plan...there's still forgiveness that has to happen and it was...hard. When you die...you still hold on to your human self and all those feelings that you had. It's just easier to accept them or feel them or let them go instead of trying to define who did you wrong or what didn't happen.

K: So you felt safe going to that hotel room.

S: Yes. I had a plan. I couldn't keep her around. She knew that. She feared that. She feared being unwanted or of being tossed away because then she wouldn't be in control anymore. She needed to feel empowered and controlled and shooting me was a way for her to do that.

K: When you were shot...what was going through your mind?

S: Survival. I had to get away fast because if I didn't...she might shoot again. All these things were racing through my mind. I had to get to Chris, I had to see my mom and dad and...I felt I needed to say sorry for not listening. I needed to see my support group...my family. I needed so much. I needed to tell them so much and I think I was feeling those things because I was panicking that I was dying. In some sort of weird way...I knew I was but I still tried to survive.

K: When you show me your death and you allow me to feel that...it's tremendously painful. It's very difficult to translate for me.

S: I...understood that I had to go. And it was a very beautiful feeling. It was just being lifted and pulled gently away. It was falling asleep in the most comfortable position in your bed. It wasn't anything to fear. At the same time...I had so much I was living for and happy for and loving for. I had so much in my life that were blessings. I had worked so hard and it felt like I was just beginning...I was just experiencing that snowball effect of working for something and coming to the point of success that I strove for...that my whole team strove for so why then. Why did it have to be then? I knew why but I questioned it because why couldn't it be after I had experienced what I worked so hard for.

K: But that's just negating everything you received up until that point.

S: Exactly. I felt robbed in a way but then as quickly as those feelings came...even more quickly was realizing what a gift I had been given. Looking at it differently allowed me to see what I actually accomplished. I crossed borders. I joined communities. I united people. So much that I didn't realize until I had died...so much I never took into consideration was very apparent now and that, very quickly, soothed that wound of why now.

Pauses and stares at me.

K: What?

S: And this is why I thought it would be different talking to you. Just because I could say these things without you going...is this right because Spirit doesn't feel these ways.

K: But I mean...that's right after. You have to learn a bit...I'm assuming, when you cross over. You still have to make sense of things. Even people that have had heavy heavy depressing experiences...they still must have to make peace with it. It probably happens in a blink of an eye but there's still healing or understanding that needs to take place.

S: Yeah. Exactly.

K: And I hear that when...loved ones die that we had a problem with...choosing not to communicate with them is all on us, who are still living, because they've reconciled. We just, sometimes, aren't in a place where we can do that.

S: Yes. Yes!

K: So yeah. I can see how you would feel a little robbed. You had your whole life ahead of you at that point and you were really making a name for yourself. Totally understandable. But...now?

S: I'm good. I'm really great.

K: How do you feel about your star on that Walk of Fame or whatever it is?

S: I am...so grateful for that. I really am but it's not for me. It's more for what it represents. It's what it represents for the Latino culture...it's what it represents for my family...that my death wasn't in vain or totally forgotten...that what we contributed was still important and still honored. It represents that dreams come true. It represents that anything is possible and you make anything possible when you have that mindset of hard work and to just try...to communicate effectively in a world that doesn't want to. It's very symbolic in all those ways. So yes, I'm proud that I could be a part of that but it's not just mine. What I did...how I sang those songs...how I designed the clothes...how I gave to charity was never always just mine. It was shared. It was very much a shared experience.

K: Your generosity of spirit is very profound. You were that way in life as well?

S: I was...but...I'm still life. I still grow and breathe and move and speak and love and sing and dance and have fun. I still do all of that. I will always do all of that. It's not that different for me.

K: What about those people that still feel for you with such emotion and with such adoration?

S: That's what makes it so easy for me to still be a part of life.

K: When you saw how many people were affected by your death...when you were able to watch that...

S: I didn't just watch. I was given the greatest gift of being lifted...by all of those who were a part of my life...even those who were just a part of me through listening to my singing...I was lifted to heaven on their wings. I was lifted to a place of such beauty and I feel that if I didn't have all of those thousands of hearts behind me and lifting me to give me or to release me to Heaven...I think it would have been harder for me to leave. All of those people that lit candles and just held each other and supported each other in their mourning were my vehicle towards acceptance of what happened. Even here, when I got here...the amount of applause and the amount of love was bigger than any of the audiences I played in front of. I had no idea. I just had no idea and I think it's important for people to know how much they are adored and how much...even though they don't think so...how much they touch people in their life and how much they are praised for whatever life they chose. It's so important. There is healing here. There is forgiveness here. There is acceptance here. There's...(pauses)...reconciling here and being able to move forward from that and into a state of grace and then...when that happens and so quickly...we can go back and give that to those that remember or think of us back home.

K: I have no words for that. Roger??

Shakes his head. He's pretty moved.

K: Did you feel that too??

Gives me a thumbs up.

K: Brilliant. You're so brilliant.

S: Thank you.

K: Is there anything else you'd like to add to our conversation.

She takes a deep breath and smiles with those lips. Man...she's beautiful.

S: I feel very...I just feel light. I feel so good having talked like that. I can...with others but to know that...these raw experiences in regards to death can be expressed but at the same time...be really understood that it's okay...I'm okay...I'm so...happy with my life...it's refreshing.

I feel very free right now. Like I can take very deep breaths and I'm light. I'm weightless. We'll see if this lasts after Easter dinner.

K: How often do you come here? To see people?

S: (smiles and tilts her head) Every day.

K: Really? That's so awesome.

S: I have good reasons too.

K: So cool.

S: Thank you so so so much. Thank you so much.

K: You're welcome. Thank you. Now go talk to Roger before he pees himself.

S: (laughing hard) I don't know why he didn't want to stay.

Roger walks up.

K: Why didn't you want to stay?

R: Ah...(waves it off) You had your chance with Selena.

K: I did. And...

R: I always like to give people their chance.

K: I know you do. Okay. I'm outta here. Got shtuff (I actually say it like that) to do. You guys go play or something.

S: Thank you, Kim.

K: I'm gonna get your music now. Love it.

S: Yhea! You already knew it.

K: Well, the English stuff. I do like the Latin stuff though. Married a Latino myself.

S: Great taste. See you later.

R: Bye Kim!

K: Bye Roger...by Selena. See you later. Love you.

R: Love you.

S: I love you.

Geez...she's so flippin' happy! I'm taking notes.
