>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK
ABOUT THE HAIR TODAY?
YOU LIKE IT?
IT'S A LITTLE FLUFFY.
>> GREY.
>> Stephen: IT'S A LITTLE
GREY.
BUT IT WAS GREY BEFORE.
NOW IT'S GREY AND FLUFFY.
IT'S GOT VITALITY.
I'M GOING FOR A MODERN FRENCH
PHILOSOPHER LOOK.
GOOD.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S DAY 123 SINCE I LEFT MY
THEATER, BUT WHO'S COUNTING?
I AM.
BY CARVING NOTCHES INTO MY
SHIN JUST TO FEEL THE PASSAGE OF
TIME.
AND IT'S BEGINNING TO SEEM LIKE
OUR FOUR MONTHS OF SACRIFICE MAY
HAVE BEEN FOR NAUGHT.
BECAUSE CORONAVIRUS CASES ARE
SPIKING ALL OVER THE PLACE.
EVEN THE STATES THAT DID IT
RIGHT ARE NOW BACKSLIDING.
FOR INSTANCE, YESTERDAY,
GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWSOM ANNOUNCED
A NEW WAVE OF CALIFORNIA
CLOSURES AS COVID-19 POSITIVE
RATES SPIKED THERE.
THEY'RE SHUTTING DOWN, AGAIN.
HOLLYWOOD LOVES A SEQUEL.
THIS TIME IT'S "SHUTDOWN 2: WE
OPENED UP 2 FAST AND PEOPLE
ARE FURIOUS."
YESTERDAY, NEWSOM INSTRUCTED
BARS, MOVIE THEATRES,
RESTAURANTS, AND ZOOS TO CEASE
INDOOR OPERATIONS.
ALSO CLOSED ARE ALL INDOOR
RESTAURANT-ZOOS LIKE ACTUAL
PANDA EXPRESS.
OH, YEAH.
THEY'LL EAT YA.
THEY RUN OUT OF
BAMBOO, THEY MOVE ON TO MAN-BOO.
IT WAS ALSO ANNOUNCED THAT LOS
ANGELES AND SAN DIEGO HAVE
ABANDONED PLANS FOR EVEN A
PARTIAL PHYSICAL RETURN TO
CLASSROOMS.
NO IN-PERSON SCHOOLING.
SO BULLIES, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO GET THE NERDS TO VENMO YOU
THEIR LUNCH MONEY.
WE KNOW TRUMP WANTS TO REOPEN
THE SCHOOLS, AND THIS IS
SURPRISING, HE'S NOT WRONG TO
WANT THAT.
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO EXPERTS
DURING THE FIRST ROUND OF SCHOOL
CLOSURES, AMERICAN CHILDREN WERE
SET BACK, ON AVERAGE, BY SEVEN
MONTHS IN THEIR READING AND MATH
LEARNING.
WE'RE ALREADY SEVEN MONTHS
BEHIND ON MATH.
IF WE FALL ANOTHER SEVEN MONTHS
BEHIND, THERE WILL BE "NO" WAY
TO KNOW HOW MANY MONTHS THAT IS.
BUT AS BAD AS THINGS ARE IN
CALIFORNIA, AS IT SAYS IN THEIR
TOURIST SLOGAN, "IT'S ALWAYS
WORSE IN FLORIDA."
ON SATURDAY, THE STATE BROKE THE
NATION'S COVID INFECTION RECORD,
AND YESTERDAY FLORIDA ANNOUNCED
ANOTHER 12,000 NEW CASES.
WELL, AT LEAST THEY DON'T HAVE A
LOT OF OLD PEOPLE DOWN THERE.
OR AT LEAST, THANKS TO THEIR
GOVERNOR, THEY WON'T IN ABOUT
THREE WEEKS.
YESTERDAY, ONE INFECTIOUS
DISEASE EXPERT SAID THIS:
>> MIAMI IS NOW THE EPICENTER OF
THE PANDEMIC.
WHAT WE WERE SEEING IN WUHAN SIX
MONTHS AGO, FIVE MONTHS AGO, NOW
WE ARE THERE.
>> STEPHEN: YES, MIAMI IS THE
NEW WUHAN. WHICH IS WHY PITBULL
HAS CHANGED HIS NAME FROM THERE
305 TO MR. 282,000 CASES.
THIS HAS PRESENTED A PROBLEM FOR
FLORIDA GOVERNOR AND ESCAPED
MUSEUM EXHIBIT, RON DESANTIS.
DESANTIS DIDN'T TAKE THE VIRUS
SERIOUSLY AND NOW HIS STATE IS
THE EPICENTER, BUT HE'S NOT
WORRIED:
>> A LOT OF FOLKS HAVE BEEN
WORKING A LONG TIME, REALLY
SINCE MARCH ON THIS.
I KNOW WE'VE HAD DIFFERENT
BLIPS.
NOW WE'RE AT A HIGHER BLIP THAN
WE WERE IN MAY AND THE BEGINNING
OF JUNE.
>> STEPHEN: SEE! "SURGE" IS
SCARY, BUT A BLIP IS JUST A FUN
WORD!
FLORIDA IS HAVING A BIG BLIP DUE
TO RECORD CASES OF OOPSIE
TESTIES AND OVER 4,000
ZIPPITY-DOO-DEATHS.
BUT OKAY, IT MIGHT NOT BE THAT
BAD.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE CURVE
IN FLORIDA.
GAH!
IF YOU THINK THAT'S JUST A BLIP,
GOVERNOR, YOU'VE GOT BLIP FOR
BRAINS.
COINCIDENTALLY, FLORIDA'S ALSO
THE SITE OF THE UPCOMING
REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION.
THEY'LL BE FINE, AS LONG AS
EVERYONE REMEMBERS TO WEAR THEIR
ELEPHANT PLAGUE MASKS.
TRUMP MOVED THE CONVENTION FROM
CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA TO
JACKSONVILLE, FLORIDA BECAUSE
NORTH CAROLINA OFFICIALS
INSISTED ON THINGS LIKE SOCIAL
DISTANCING AND MASKS FOR
ATTENDEES.
(AS TRUMP)
"WEARING A MASK BLOCKS ALL THE
SENSATION.
YOU CAN'T EVEN FEEL IT WHEN YOU
REACH NOMINATION.
I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE IT OFF AT
THE END AND NOMINATE MYSELF."
THAT JOKE STAYS IN.
THAT JOKE STAYS IN.
A LOT OF REPUBLICANS ARE
PLANNING TO SKIP TRUMP'S COVID
COMIN' OUT PARTY INCLUDING
SENATOR ROY BLUNT OF MISSOURI,
SENATOR PAT ROBERTS OF KANSAS,
SENATOR CHARLES E. GRASSLEY, AND
SENATOR LAMAR ALEXANDER.
WHY ARE THOSE GUYS SO WORRIED
ABOUT GOING?
CAN WE GET A LOOK AT THEM?
OH, MY GOD, THEY ARE BEYOND HIGH
RISK.
THEY ARE BLIPS WAITING TO
HAPPEN.
THEY GOT ONE BLIP IN THE GRAVE.
IT'S NOT JUST SENIORS, AS ONE
G.O.P. REPRESENTATIVE PUT IT
"EVERYBODY JUST ASSUMES NO ONE
IS GOING."
EVEN THE R.S.V.P.S SAY "CHECK
ONE:" "NOT ATTENDING," "WHAT?
NO!" OR "I'M READY, JESUS."
BUT NO ONE WANTS TO GET ON
TRUMP'S BAD SIDE, SO THEY'RE ALL
READY WITH AIRTIGHT EXCUSES FOR
WHY THEY'RE STAYING HOME.
TAKE 84 YEAR-OLD SENATOR PAT
ROBERTS WHO EXPLAINED, HE WOULD
LIKELY NOT BE ATTENDING BECAUSE
HE HAD "SOME THINGS TO DO IN
KANSAS" AND, IN ANY CASE, HE
"DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS CANCELED
AND WHAT WAS NOT AND WHATEVER."
"OH, I'D LOVE TO GO BUT I'VE
ALREADY SCHEDULED... THINGS.
KANSAS STUFF.
YOU KNOW, POLISH THE TORNADOES.
MEET THE WHEAT.
GOTTA DO THE WHATCHAMACALLIT
WITH WHOSE HIS FACE.
NOT TO MENTION PUT THE DOOHICKEY
ON MY THINGAMABOB WITH...
(MUMBLES).
SORRY.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU, MY MASK IS
GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL!"
I DON'T BLAME ANY OF THESE
PEOPLE FOR NOT GOING.
NOT ONLY IS FLORIDA THE NEW
EPICENTER, BUT IN ADDITION
"PARTY OFFICIALS WERE
CONSIDERING DOCKING CRUISE SHIPS
IN THE CITY'S PORT TO PROVIDE
EXTRA LODGING."
SO YOU'RE IN FLORIDA, SPENDING
ALL DAY IN AN AUDITORIUM FULL OF
SCREAMING PEOPLE WHO DON'T WEAR
MASKS, THEN YOU GO HOME TO A
FLOATING PETRI DISH.
ONLY WAY IT WOULD BE MORE
INFECTIOUS IS IF DINNER WAS AN
ALL YOU CAN BOB LASAGNA BUFFET.
OF COURSE, NOT EVERYONE'S
AFRAID.
ONE 80-YEAR-OLD R.N.C. MEMBER
FROM VIRGINIA SAYS, "IT'S A RISK
YOU HAVE TO TAKE.
YOU TAKE RISKS EVERY DAY.
YOU DRIVE DOWN THE STREET AND A
CEMENT TRUCK COULD CRASH INTO
YOU."
(AS TRUMP)
"OOO, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA FOR
THE FINALE OF MY SPEECH.
I GET TO DRIVE A CEMENT TRUCK.
TOOT TOOT."
HOLD STILL!
FLORIDA REPRESENTATIVE MATT
GAETZ IS NOT CONCERNED ABOUT WHO
IS AND WHO ISN'T GOING, TELLING
REPORTERS, "EVERYONE IN THE
MEDIA WANTS TO ACT LIKE IT'S
SOME BIG DEAL THAT SUSAN COLLINS
AND LAMAR ALEXANDER AREN'T GOING
TO THE CONVENTION.
THE OCTOGENARIANS AND
SEPTUAGENARIANS OF THE SENATE
ARE SURELY LOWER THAN THE NUMBER
WHO HAVE PURCHASED THEIR THIRD
STAR WARS COSTUME."
OF COURSE, MATT GAETZ COMES WITH
HIS OWN STAR WARS COSTUME.
THERE MAY BE A SAFER WAY,
THOUGH, BECAUSE REPUBLICANS ARE
LOOKING INTO HOLDING THEIR
CONVENTION OUTDOORS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
AN OUTDOOR CONVENTION IN LATE
AUGUST IN FLORIDA.
I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'VE
DRAINED THE SWAMP, BUT THEY
BETTER BE READY TO DRAIN THE
SWAMP ASS.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE A PREVIEW OF
MICK MULVANEY DELIVERING HIS
KEYNOTE SPEECH IN THE FLORIDA
HEAT:
HE LOOKS GOOD.
THE SOLUTION TO THIS RAPID
SPREAD IS AS PLAIN AS THE NOSE
ON YOUR FACE-- WHICH I SHOULDN'T
BE ABLE TO SEE BECAUSE IT SHOULD
BE BEHIND A MASK!
BUT UNFORTUNATELY FOR FUTURE
REPUBLICAN VOTES, PEOPLE WHO
DON'T WEAR MASKS SEEM
ALWAYS TO BE REPUBLICAN.
TAKE TEXAS SENATOR AND MAN WHOSE
BEARD SHRUNK IN THE DRYER, TED
CRUZ.
A FELLOW PASSENGER RECENTLY
PHOTOGRAPHED CRUZ ON AN AMERICAN
AIRLINES FLIGHT NOT WEARING A
MASK.
YOU CAN'T EXPECT CRUZ TO HIDE
THE MONEYMAKER, IN THAT I WOULD
PAY MONEY TO SEE LESS OF HIS
FACE.
THE AIRLINES HAVE A POLICY THAT
PASSENGERS MUST WEAR FACE
COVERINGS DURING THE FLIGHT
BUT CRUZ'S STAFF EXPLAINED THAT
THE SENATOR HAD JUST
"TEMPORARILY" REMOVED HIS MASK
TO DRINK COFFEE.
BUT THE SAME PASSENGER ALSO TOOK
THIS PHOTO OF CRUZ AT THE GATE
ALSO NOT WEARING A MASK.
COME ON, TED, WHAT'S IT GONNA
TAKE TO GET YOU TO BE A FAN OF
MASKS?
HAVE THE MASKS CALL YOUR WIFE
UGLY AND ACCUSE YOUR DAD OF
KILLING J.F.K.?
THAT'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY,
THAT JOKE.
REPUBLICANS ARE ALSO ATTACKING
THE MOST RELIABLE PERSON TELLING
US TO WEAR A MASK, DR. ANTHONY
FAUCI.
THE LATEST PERSON TO GO AFTER
THE GOOD DOCTOR IS TRUMP ADVISER
AND PAPER FOOTBALL GOALPOST
STEPHEN MOORE.
MOORE SAYS HE'S WRITING A MEMO
THAT SHOWS HOW MANY TIMES
DR FAUCI'S BEEN WRONG DURING NOT
JUST THIS PANDEMIC, BUT HIS
ENTIRE CAREER, AND HE'S BEEN
WORKING ON IT FOR WEEKS.
I WOULDN'T MAKE THAT "TOO'" LONG
OF A MEMO, STEVE.
TRUMP TENDS TO LOSE INTEREST ON
PAGE "ANY."
MOORE SAYS, FAUCI'S BEEN 'DR.
DOOM.'
YEAH, FAUCI'S EXACTLY LIKE DR.
DOOM.
>> GREETINGS FANTASTIC FOUR
REMEMBER TO STAY SIX FEET APART
WASH YOUR HANDS FOR 20 SECONDS,
AND BE LIKE ME: WEAR A MASK!
OR PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM!
I WANT YOU TO KEEP YOUR
NANA SAFE!
HAHAHAHAHA!
>> STEPHEN: WHILE WE WERE TAPING
TONIGHT'S EPISODE, TRUMP SAT
DOWN FOR A STAND UP INTERVIEW
WITH CBS NEWS' CATHERINE
HERRIDGE.
AND REMINDED US THAT AS BAD AS
HE IS DEALING WITH THE
CORONAVIRUS, HE'S JUST AS BAD
WITH RACE RELATIONS.
>> LET'S TALK ABOUT GEORGE
FLOYD.
YOU SAID GEORGE FLOYD'S DEATH
WAS A TERRIBLE THING.
>> TERRIBLE.
>> WHY ARE AFRICAN AMERICANS
STILL DYING AT THE HANDS OF LAW
ENFORCEMENT IN THIS COUNTRY?
>> AND SO ARE WHITE PEOPLE.
SO ARE WHITE PEOPLE.
WHAT A TERRIBLE QUESTION TO ASK.
SO ARE WHITE PEOPLE.
MORE WHITE PEOPLE, BY THE WAY,
MORE WHITE PEOPLE.
>> STEPHEN: WELL, THAT'S
COMFORTING.
"SUCH A TERRIBLE QUESTION.
LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE.
OUR BRAVE POLICEMEN ARE KILLING
"ALL" PEOPLE.
NO LIVES MATTER."
THE TOPIC THEN TURNED TO.
LET'S SAY, HERITAGE:
>> WOULD YOU BE COMFORTABLE WITH
YOUR SUPPORTERS DISPLAYING THE
CONFEDERATE BATTLE FLAG AT
POLITICAL EVENTS?
>> WELL, YOU KNOW, IT DEPENDS
WHAT YOUR DEFINITION IS, BUT I
AM COMFORTABLE WITH FREEDOM OF
SPEECH.
IT'S VERY SIMPLE.
>> STEPHEN: IT DEPENDS ON WHAT
YOUR DEFINITION IS OF WHAT?
FLAG?
OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT ONE
"CONFEDERATE FLAG: NOUN.
FLAPPY THING PEOPLE IN THE SOUTH
FLEW WHEN THEY WERE FIGHTING THE
UNITED STATES SO THEY COULD
CONTINUE TO ENSLAVE BLACK
PEOPLE."
NOTHING?
SORRY, I FORGOT WHO I WAS
DEALING WITH.
IT'S THAT X THING ON THE TOP OF
THE "DUKES OF HAZZARD" CAR.
TRUMP DOESN'T GET WHAT ALL THE
FUSS WITH THE CONFEDERATE FLAG
IS ABOUT.
>> BUT YOU UNDERSTAND WHY THE
FLAG IS A PAINFUL SYMBOL FOR
MANY PEOPLE BECAUSE IT'S A
REMINDER OF SLAVERY.
>> WELL PEOPLE LOVE IT, AND I
DON'T VIEW-- I KNOW PEOPLE
THAT LIKE THE CONFEDERATE FLAG
AND THEY'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT
SLAVERY.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
"THEY'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT
SLAVERY, THEY'RE THINKING ABOUT
THE VERY FINE PEOPLE WHO FOUGHT
TO 'PRESERVE' SLAVERY.
BIG DIFFERENCE."
TRUMP'S LOUSY SUMMER IS ABOUT TO
GET EVEN WORSE BECAUSE, TODAY, A
NEW TELL-ALL WAS
RELEASED, AND THIS ONE HITS
HOME.
IT WAS WRITTEN BY PRESIDENTIAL
NIECE, AND WOMAN WORRIED HOW
YOU'LL FEEL ABOUT HER WHEN YOU
FIND OUT HER LAST NAME IS TRUMP,
MARY TRUMP.
TRUMP'S OWN FAMILY IS TURNING ON
HIM.
HE'S GONNA HAVE TO KEEP A CLOSE
EYE ON HIS KIDS-- AND NOT JUST
IN CASE ERIC GETS HIS HEAD STUCK
INSIDE A BIRDHOUSE AGAIN.
MARY TRUMP'S BOOK ABOUT HER
UNCLE IS CALLED "TOO MUCH AND
NEVER ENOUGH."
SHE GOT THE TITLE AFTER WATCHING
HER UNCLE AT AN OMELETTE BAR.
TRUMP'S BROTHER SUED TO STOP THE
RELEASE OF THIS BOOK, BUT WE'RE
SEEING IT NOW BECAUSE, LAST
NIGHT, A JUDGE RULED THAT THE
BOOK'S DISCUSSION OF THE TRUMP
FAMILY WAS NOT COVERED IN THEIR
2001 CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENT.
THERE'S A RED FLAG.
WHAT KIND OF FAMILY HAS A
CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENT?
(AS FUN PARENT)
"ALRIGHT KIDS!
IT'S FAMILY GAME NIGHT!
FIRST, LET'S SIGN THIS N.D.A. SO
NO ONE EVER LEARNS THAT DA
LOSES HIS (  BLEEP  ) WHEN HE
LANDS ON PARK PLACE."
OKAY.
HAVE THAT NOTARIZED.
MARY TRUMP HAS KNOWN DONALD
TRUMP ALL HER LIFE, AND SHE DOES
NOT HOLD BACK.
IN THE BOOK, SHE SAYS THAT,
"DONALD IS NOT SIMPLY WEAK, HIS
EGO IS A FRAGILE THING THAT MUST
BE BOLSTERED EVERY MOMENT
BECAUSE HE KNOWS DEEP DOWN THAT
HE IS NOTHING OF WHAT HE CLAIMS
TO BE.
HE KNOWS HE HAS NEVER BEEN
LOVED."
HEY, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
WE KNOW HE'S BEEN LOVED AT
"LEAST" TWICE.
$130,000 WORTH.
MARY TRUMP WRITES A LOT ABOUT
DONALD'S DAD, FRED TRUMP,
LABELING HIM A "HIGH-FUNCTIONING
SOCIOPATH."
IF ONLY HE HAD PASSED DOWN THE
"HIGH-FUNCTIONING" PART.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, TOM HANKS IS HERE!
STICK AROUND.
