WELCOME ONE AND ALL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LADIES,
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DID YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I HAD A FANTASTIC ONE.
YOU KNOW WHY?
I DID NOT READ THE NEWS BECAUSE
IT HAS BEEN A LITTLE DARK.
( LAUGHTER )
THURSDAY NIGHT, WE ALMOST WENT
TO WAR WITH IRAN, AND THAT WAS
THE STORY FROM THE SMILE FILE.
( LAUGHTER )
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THAT IN
PART TWO OF OUR
ALREADY-TOO-LONG-RUNNING SERIES:
--
( DRUM BEAT )
>> AMERICA AT WHAAA?
( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: LAST WEDNESDAY
NIGHT, IRAN SHOT DOWN AN
UNMANNED U.S. DRONE, AND NOBODY
KNEW WHAT PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS
GOING TO DO, INCLUDING PRESIDENT
TRUMP BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO
OFFICIALS, ON THURSDAY NIGHT,
THE PRESIDENT APPROVED A STRIKE
ON IRAN.
AS LATE AS 7:00 P.M., PLANES
WERE IN THE AIR AND SHIPS WERE
IN POSITION, BUT NO MISSILES HAD
BEEN FIRED WHEN WORD CAME TO
STAND DOWN.
SO WE WERE POISED TO START A WAR
WITH IRAN, BUT DONALD TRUMP DID
THE RIGHT THI--(GAGS).
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
I'M SORRY.
I'M NOT USED TO SAYING THAT SORT
OF THING.
TRUMP MADE THE CORRECT MORAL
(GAGS).
( LAUGHTER )
POINT IS, THIS IS THE FIRST
THING THAT TRUMP HAS EVER
ORDERED THAT HE DIDN'T FINISH.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: FRIDAY MORNING
TRUMP EXPLAINED,
"WE WERE COCKED AND LOADED TO
RETALIATE LAST NIGHT ON THREE
DIFFERENT SIGHTS (MISSPELLED)
WHEN I ASKED,
HOW MANY WILL DIE.
'150 PEOPLE, SIR,' WAS THE
ANSWER FROM A GENERAL.
10 MINUTES BEFORE THE STRIKE, I
STOPPED IT."
OKAY, I APPRECIATE THE
SENTIMENT.
HE DOESN'T WANT CASUALTIES, BUT
ISN'T THAT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD
CHECK BEFORE YOU'VE ORDERED THE
STRIKE?
(AS TRUMP)
"OKAY, I HAVE THIS GUN, IT'S
FULL OF BULLETS, THE HAMMER'S
PULLED BACK, AND-- WHAT DOES
THIS THING DO WHEN I PULL THE
TRIGGER?
DO FRUIT ROLL UPS COME OUT?"
WHAT HAPPENED?
ALSO, I JUST WANT TO SAY "COCKED
AND LOADED"?
THE EXPRESSION IS "LOCKED AND
LOADED."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
(AS TRUMP)
"WE WERE COCKED AND LOADED, WE
WERE AT DEFCOCK 5, ABOUT TO
RAIN DOWN A LITTLE COCK AND AWE.
IT WAS JUST A TINY LITTLE
MUSHROOM CLOUD ."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT?
WHAT?
A TACTICAL NUCLEAR WEAPON.
>> Jon: I AIN'T TOUCHING THAT.
>> Stephen: TRUMP EXPLAINED
HIMSELF FURTHER
IN AN INTERVIEW WITH HOST OF
"MEET THE PRESS," CHUCK TODD,
SEEN HERE FIST BUMPING HIS
BIGGEST FAN.
( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP SAID HE GAVE IRAN A PASS
THIS TIME, BUT THINGS MIGHT BE
DIFFERENT IN THE FUTURE.
>> I'M NOT LOOKING FOR WAR AND,
IF THERE IS, IT'LL BE
OBLITERATION LIKE YOU'VE NEVER
SEEN BEFORE.
BUT I'M NOT LOOKING TO DO THAT.
>> STEPHEN: HE DOESN'T WANT TO,
BUT YOU MIGHT TRIGGER A MASSIVE
RESPONSE.
HE'S LIKE BRUCE BANNER.
(AS TRUMP)
"YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M
ANGRY.
OR WHEN I'M HAPPY OR WHEN I'M
EATING."
( LAUGHTER )
"NOT A PRETTY SIGHT."
TRUMP WAS PROUD OF HIMSELF.
ACCORDING TO ONE SOURCE, HE
LIKED THE COMMAND OF APPROVING
THE STRIKE, BUT ALSO THE
"DECISIVENESS" OF CALLING IT
OFF.
IT'S SIMPLE.
DONALD TRUMP LIKES THE
DECISIVENESS OF CALLING OFF THE
TERRIBLE COMMAND DONALD TRUMP
JUST GAVE.
( LAUGHTER )
THEN TODAY, TRUMP ANNOUNCED NEW
SANCTIONS ON IRAN, AND AT THE
SIGNING CEREMONY, HE EXPLAINED
ONE OF THE REASONS HE CALLED OFF
THE STRIKE.
>> OBVIOUSLY, THE PEOPLE OF IRAN
ARE GREAT PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW, I KNOW MANY OF THEM. I
LIVED IN NEW YORK.
I HAVEN'T BEEN THERE VERY MUCH
THE LAST TWO AND A HALF YEARS,
BUT I KNOW MANY IRANIANS LIVING
IN NEW YORK AND THEY'RE
FANTASTIC  PEOPLE.
I HAVE MANY FRIENDS THAT ARE
IRANIAN.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
"I DIDN'T BOMB THEM THIS TIME,
BUT IF I CHANGE MY MIND, YOU
SHOULD ALL KNOW THAT I'D BE
OBLITERATING SOME FANTASTIC
PEOPLE.
REALLY GREAT.
THEY WILL BE MISSED."
( LAUGHTER )
IRAN'S NOT THE ONLY THING TRUMP
CHANGED HIS MIND ABOUT THIS
WEEKEND.
ON SUNDAY, ICE PLANNED TO
CONDUCT A MAJOR OPERATION IN
MULTIPLE CITIES TO ROUND UP AND
DEPORT UNDOCUMENTED FAMILIES.
EVEN UNDOCUMENTED PARENTS WHO
HAVE CHILDREN WHO ARE U.S.
CITIZENS, SO "IT IS POSSIBLE
PARENTS COULD BE DEPORTED WHILE
THEIR CHILDREN ARE LEFT BEHIND."
( AUDIENCE BOOING )
HOW DID THAT BRAINSTORMING
MEETING GO?
"ALL RIGHT, GUYS.
COME ON, I NEED SOME NEW IDEAS.
TAKING KIDS FROM THEIR PARENTS
WAS A DISASTER.
COME ON, TOSS OUT SOME NEW
IDEAS!"
UH...
( LAUGHTER )
WELL...
( LAUGHTER )
WHAT IF...
WE TOOK...
THE PARENTS...
AWAY FROM THE CHILDREN?
( LAUGHTER )
"I LOVE IT!"
( LAUGHTER )
THANKFULLY, ON SATURDAY TRUMP
ANNOUNCED HE'LL DELAY THE
DEPORTATION OPERATION.
WHAT CHANGED HIS MIND?
APPARENTLY, HIS BUDDY NANCY
PELOSI CALLED HIM FRIDAY NIGHT,
AND TODAY SHE REVEALED WHAT SHE
SAID TO HIM:
>> YOU'RE SCARING THE CHILDREN
OF AMERICA.
>> Stephen: AND THE ADULTS
AREN'T DOING TOO WELL EITHER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( CROSS TALK BETWEEN JON AND
STEVE )
TRUMP EXPLAINED ON TWITTER:
"AT THE REQUEST OF DEMOCRATS, I
HAVE DELAYED THE ILLEGAL
IMMIGRATION REMOVAL PROCESS
(DEPORTATION) FOR TWO WEEKS TO
SEE IF THE DEMOCRATS AND
REPUBLICANS CAN GET TOGETHER AND
WORK OUT A SOLUTION TO THE
ASYLUM AND LOOPHOLE PROBLEMS AT
THE SOUTHERN BORDER.
IF NOT, DEPORTATIONS START!
SO HIS SHRED OF HUMAN DECENCY
HAS AN EXPIRATION DATE.
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S LIKE IF SCROOGE HAD GOTTEN
UP ON CHRISTMAS MORNING, AND
SAID:
(AS SCROOGE)
"YOU THERE, BOY, HERE'S A SHINY
SHILLING.
GET ME THE PRIZE TURKEY IN THE
WINDOW. AND MAKE IT QUICK,
BECAUSE IN 12 HOURS I'M GOING TO
TURN BACK INTO A COMPLETE JERK
( LAUGHTER )
I'M GOING TO KICK TINY TIM'S
CRUTCH!
OOOH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT TRUMP IS HOPEFUL THAT THE
BORDER IS AN EASY FIX, AS HE
SAID YESTERDAY DURING HIS
APPEARANCE ON CHUCK THE TODD.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF THEY CHANGE THOSE, I SAY, I
USED TO SAY 45 MINUTES.
IT'S 15 MINUTES.
IF THEY CHANGED ASYLUM AND IF
THEY CHANGED LOOPHOLES,
EVERYTHING ON THE BORDER WOULD
BE PERFECT.
>> STEPHEN: YES, DESPITE YEARS
OF DISAGREEMENT ON OUR
IMMIGRATION LAWS, TRUMP IS
PROMISING TO FIX THE BORDER
QUICKER THAN DOMINO'S CAN
DELIVER A PIZZA.
(AS TRUMP)
"YOU KNOW MY GUARANTEE: WE'RE
DONE IN 15 MINUTES OR I
COMPLETELY LOSE INTEREST.
WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT
AGAIN?
HEY, HOW DID THE BOMBING OF IRAN
GO?
WHAT!
WHY?"
( LAUGHTER )
