(bright funky pop)
- Whitney!
(gasping)
It's time to start the show.
- Jeez, BunkerBot, don't you knock?
- I am an AI, I'm omnipotent.
I literally see everything you do.
- Wait, everything?
- Everything.
- Ew!
- Trust me, I don't love it.
- Whatever.
I'm Whitney, and this is Thrashtopia!
(heavy guitar riffs)
(bright funky pop music)
(aggressive heavy metal music)
Hey, so hypothetically
speaking, BunkerBot.
- Yes?
- We're gonna have to like
repopulate the planet, right?
Once it's safe to live outside again?
- That will be up to your species.
- Well, there's really
no other way to restore
humanity to it's former glory, right?
- Only cloning and gene splicing.
Actually, I'm projecting
over 200 ways science
could bring back humanity
from the brink of
extinction without physical breeding.
- Oh, okay, but what if there's like,
a cool Wasteland hunk out there?
I'd basically have to
repopulate with him, right?
Because his hunk genes
and my babe genes would
make strong human stock
for the next generation.
Right?
- I guess.
- Well maybe we could run one of those,
prelambratory scans on the situation.
See if there's any Wasteland hunks
in the area.
Like this one!
And then we could, you
know, see about that.
- I'm sorry Whitney, but I
swore off matchmaking a long time ago.
- Wait, what, you did what?
- There's just too much drama!
- Wait, when were you a matchmaker?
- Last week, I helped hook up
your smart fork with the smart toaster.
Sparks flew at first,
but then it all went up
in flames, and now neither of them are
speaking to me.
- I'm sorry, BunkerBot, I had no idea.
- That's okay, at least I still have you.
My best friend.
- Your what now?
(klaxon alarms)
- Hello?!
- My word, the horniness levels here
are really off the charts.
- I'm sorry, who are you?
- Oh, apologies, I'm Doctor Joan Humps
and I'm here to sell you a sex robot.
- Scanning.
(chiming)
- Yeah.
(laughs)
Yeah I'm sorry, I don't
really think I need
a sex robot.
(laughs)
- Honey, it's the apocalypse!
We all need a sex robot,
and I'm willing to
part with mine for the right price.
- Hmm, yeah I don't really think I --
- If you don't think you need a sex robot,
she's got combat capabilities.
- Oh.
(sexy funk music)
- I can crush a human
spine with my bare hands.
- Okay, cool!
(sexy funk music)
- It's very easy, I like it.
- That is great.
(sexy funk music)
- When I crush a human spine,
I feel like I'm fulfilling my purpose.
- She doesn't have to crush spines,
if you don't, if you're not into that.
(sexy funk music)
- I can though.
- Oh, please don't, please, please
do not crush any spines.
We don't need that.
- Okay, I think you might be more
interested in a sex robot
than you think right now,
so why don't we go have
a little chat about it?
- Okay.
(funky pop music)
- So, as I was saying, I have my doctorate
in hornology, and minor in English lit.
- Oh! Okay!
(laughs)
- Oh, I'm sorry, is she
making you uncomfortable?
Ela, safe word.
(sighing)
Behave, for now at least, right?
(demented laughing)
- So, Doctor Humps!
It is so cool to have a
real doctor and a real sex
robot in my bunker!
Oh my gosh, you guys,
what have you been up to?
- Oh, mostly just trying to find
food to eat that won't kill us.
- Mm, okay.
- It's a problem out there, you know.
- Yeah, I've found that corn chips have
held up really well.
- Oh, they have.
- But I'm all out of those.
- Condiments.
- Condiments.
- Are great.
- Condoms.
- Condoms.
- I'll get you one, they're flavored.
- Yes, you can, they keep you full
for a very long time.
- Because you don't digest them at all!
- I know!
(laughing)
- I don't have to eat, but I can.
- Oh! I think I understand what you're
trying to--
- Cunnilingus.
- Okay, but does she
actually have to eat food?
- No, no, she doesn't eat anything.
She has no needs whatsoever.
She has no feelings, she's
basically an android.
- That sounds convenient,
if you're owning,
because where's the
line between, you know,
owning a sex robot--
- Oh it's slavery.
- Okay.
- It is, yeah, it's slavery.
- I'm glad that we settled that.
- I created her, so it's fine.
I'm basically, like, a
mom that doesn't care.
(laughing)
- Okay, so, you were saying earlier,
you got your awesome degree in boneology.
- And hornology, yes, yes.
- And hornology, how do you determine
how people are horny?
You said that mine are, off the charts,
which I assume is a really good thing.
- Yes, off the charts.
- Off the charts.
Actually, so, this device --
- Are you sure you can't just lend a hand?
- I am, (laughing).
Maybe when we're done with the show, I,
this is a show by the way
that's called Thrashtopia.
(heavy metal riffs)
And so I'm very honored to have you here,
on my show.
- Wow, well thank you so much!
- So, boneology, hornology, where did you
say you went to school for that?
- Wasteland University.
Where I met Ela, actually.
(somber moving piano music)
The first Ela died in a horrible, horrible
radiation explosion crash.
- A radiation explosion crash?
- I know, it sounds
complicated because it was.
So, I had her cloned before,
so this is actually a 2.0.
- Oh, that's great!
- It's two point hoe.
- Oh, that's delightful!
Do you like being a sex robot?
- Of course, I love it.
I get to snap spines,
I get to break spines,
I get to destroy spines.
- Hmm, none of that sounds
like my understanding of sex.
Has sex changed since the apocalypse?
- Oh, so much. So much.
There's tentacles, now.
Yeah, she actually has five holes.
- Oh!
- You can't see them, underneath this.
- I'm telling you.
- I'm sure they're all great.
- Would you like to see?
- Maybe later.
(clears throat)
Honestly, I'm mostly
interested in, like, having
a buddy to play board
games with, but also like--
- She can do that!
- She sounds like she could also--
- Kill you! Yeah.
- Yeah, or kill me.
- Yes.
- Yeah, definitely that.
So, Ela, is she equipped
with any like cool stuff?
Can she play music?
- She can play music.
She has a battery span of five days.
You don't ever have to plug her in.
Well, you know, you should, but it's okay
if you don't.
- Oh, I would love for you to plug me in.
- I would be honored
if you needed a charge,
but five days, what day are
you running on right now?
- She's on day three.
- Oh great. You're fine.
(laughs)
- I have ports, you can charge your phone.
- She has weapons, she
has sucking abilities.
- I can suck a dick clean off.
- Clean off, yes.
- That sounds dangerous.
- It is, and that's why it's fun.
- Oh.
(laughs nervously)
- I have maxed out my, my ability to
destroy spines, so I've
moved on to other parts.
I've moved on to stripping
skin off of flesh.
I can create a beautiful,
a beautiful collage of
what was previously tattoos.
It's actually beautiful art.
- Wow, so she's creative also.
- Yes, it's a shame
there's no longer eBay.
We'd be selling them left and right.
- But does that offend you at all?
She's talking about selling you.
- I think she meant my art.
Are you trying to sell me?
- No!
(laughs)
No, why would I try to sell you?
- Does she need to be cleaned,
or do you program her?
Does she run remotely through an app?
- I'm self-cleaning.
- Oh!
- Like an oven.
- Or a vagina.
- Oh! There, you know,
what's the difference,
right?
(laughing)
- I am programmed to accommodate a variety
of fetishes.
- Oh, okay! Great!
- 16,592.
- There's that many fetishes?
- Mmhmm, there's that many.
- Ropes, whips, chains, chainsaws.
That one's a little bit
weird, and slightly dangerous.
Balloons, yarn, glitter.
- Glitter!
- Yeah I don't know if you have any
of that around here, but uh--
- Blueberries.
- I wonder, oh it seems like you could get
turned on by a lot in here.
- Whipped cream, that's rare.
It's kind of hard to find
that out in the Wasteland.
But when you do, wow, it is a great night.
- What about studded belt fetishes?
- Oh yeah, yeah.
- What about sandwich fetishes?
- I'll be your salami.
- What about getting, like, really really
wrapped up tight in a
blanket and falling asleep
in front of a fireplace fetish?
- Mmm, a cozy fetish.
- Oh yeah,
we do that every night.
- Roller coaster fetishes?
- Oh, everything.
- Mutant fetishes?
- That's a fetish?
I thought everyone did that.
- Oh, I just haven't gotten out really.
I totally know about that one.
(heavy metal riff)
Okay, what about, hmm, AI robot fetishes?
BunkerBot, looking out for you bud.
- I can accommodate that.
- It's her favorite.
- Birthday party fetishes.
- Cake and all.
- Pizza party fetishes.
- Pepperoni, all night long.
- Funeral fetishes?
Wedding fetishes.
- I thought you'd never ask.
- What about, like, holding
hands and kissing fetish?
(buzzer)
- Ew.
- How long have you been down here?
- They don't, they don't
do that up there anymore?
- No, there's tentacle sex now.
- Oh, okay, that sounds cool.
- We've evolved.
- Okay, so, what's, what's
the future of, of Ela Bot?
What are you going to do with her?
I mean, if you don't
sell her to me, right?
- We're not exactly sure.
We're still working things out.
I am taking some time to focus on myself,
and some other projects.
- Talk about some of the
other projects, right.
- Well, I'm developing a new bot
that I'm very, very excited.
Slightly more people
friendly, intelligent,
just more of a person
that you would want to
spend time with.
- Really?
- Sounds like vaperware.
(guitar riffs)
- Hmm, it sounds like more of a companion.
- We all have emotional needs,
you know, and I just
wanna have someone around
that I am not worried about killing me.
- Right, that seems like a valid concern.
What is this new robot
gonna have that this
one does not?
- Friendship abilities, she can fly,
she can read poetry.
- Wow!
- Poetry is for hacks.
- I like it.
- I like poems.
- Are there are any, like, new sex
things that the new one will have?
- Literally thousands!
- Wow!
- Mmhmm.
- Yeah, if you're a pervert, I guess.
- That seems judgemental for a sex robot.
Hm.
- Hm.
- So tell me about some of the fetishes,
because I don't know about any of them.
- Well three point hoe will be
well versed in pretty much
anything you can think of.
Hand grenade fetishes, hard hat fetishes,
Starbucks fetishes.
Just access to anything that
you could ever possibly want.
- Wow, whoa, whoa, wait.
Ela seems really cool.
Like you know, the, the
balloon thing, right,
that sounds awesome.
I love balloons.
- It's basic.
- They're so fun!
(laughs)
Well what else?
She can fly, does she,
does she connect to wi-fi?
- She does.
- Is she a WiFi hot spot?
- She's a WiFi hot spot.
- I love those.
- Yep.
- Awesome.
- And a masseuse.
- Oh my gosh, I love massages.
- Mmhmm.
- That sounds great.
- I can massage your spine very well.
- Oh.
- Very, very well.
- That seems aggressive.
- Whitney, it's time for Adulting
in the Apocalypse.
(heavy metal riffs)
- Awesome, sounds like a subject change.
Roll the tape, Double
B. By that I mean MP4.
(digital metal music)
Oh hey guys, it's me Whitney.
Just getting a quick workout
in while I do this video.
It's called multi-tasking.
Like when those people
thought that they could
run and cover their heads
while the hyper missiles
fell, even though we
know it didn't stop them
from getting turned into human vaporware.
(karate yells)
Ha, nailed it.
On today's Adulting in the Apocalypse,
I'm going to show you how to get in
(karate yell)
shape.
The first step to getting fit
is obviously eating right.
You know, our government
may have collapsed in
literal seconds, but that doesn't mean we
should ignore their advice.
Here's what the food pyramid recommends
you eat each day.
First, nine servings
of grains, like bread,
or rice, or, if you're
having trouble locating
either of this, actual grains.
You're gonna just have to
suck on them for a little
while, then chew on the squishy parts.
Okay, next, four servings of vegetables.
Careful not to pick any
fresh ones, cucumbers
and broccoli are sentient
now, and you don't want
to hurt those little guys.
Fruits, remember, canned
is bland but boysenberries
are poison berries.
Because of radiation.
And last, but certainly not
least, our proteins baby.
I'm a vegetarian myself, so
I'm a bit of a bean fiend,
but--
- Are you?
- Huh?
- A bean fiend?
- Exercise, exercise is important.
Exercise is important.
Like, what if techno raiders
try to stab your junk hole?
What if you have to fight
off your inner demons?
(karate yell)
I like to get at least 75 minutes of
vigorous exercise a week.
Usually, I just pop in
a Keanu Reeves' movie
and punch and kick and punch and kick and
punch and kick until it's over.
Most of his movies are
like 90 minutes anyways,
so if you do that, you'll stay motivated
and ahead of the curve, Keanu!
Wow, all this punching
and kicking sure has me
hungry for a two to three
ounce portion of protein.
Thank you.
(loud screaming)
Thanks for watching
Adulting in the Apocalypse.
Next time, we're going to
make salad with nothing
but leaves and salad dressing.
(heavy metal music)
- So that's my little video I like--
- Whitney, it is time for
your mandatory activity.
Today, you must--
- Suggestion.
Human Whitney is registering
as insanely horny.
- Yep, still horny.
- I'll train her in the art of seduction.
- Well, I kinda have a plan for all these,
so I'm not really sure--
- Doctor Humps, please
serve as an example.
- Oh, that won't be necessary.
- I can be an example, I'm here to learn.
- I am only programmed to
demonstrate on Doctor Humps.
- Oh, okay.
(laughs)
- All right, let's show her what we do.
- Demonstration number one.
(sexy funk music)
Soft caress.
- Oh, I love this one.
It's really good. It's--
(chop sound)
(bloodcurdling yell)
- Okay...
- Looks like a chop.
- Yeah, it's, it's slightly aggressive,
but super sexual.
- Yeah, the neck, the neck is, is nice.
- Yeah, it's, it's an erogenous zone.
Little known, yeah.
- Right, we usually do kissing and
stuff there but a chop seems like--
- Yeah, it just, it
heightens the whole thing.
- Would you like another one?
- No, no, let's go to number two.
- Demonstration number two is called the
flirty girdy.
- Ooh! Flirty girdy.
- Oh yeah, everyone loves a good massage.
You know, it's just so--
(bones crunching)
- Oh.
- It's so relaxing, oh my god.
Yeah, this feels really, really good.
(bones crunching)
It's releasing a lot of tension.
- That looks like it's relaxing you a lot.
- Uh-huh.
(bones crunching)
Yeah, this is really good.
- I love massages, I get, like, a bad
neck all the time from
like, moshing it out,
so, you know, my neck hurts a lot.
- It's like a chiropractic adjustment.
You know, for 10 years.
- Okay.
- Cool.
- Demonstration number three.
The lovers embrace.
(woman moaning)
(bloodcurdling scream)
- Mandatory activity complete.
I belong to no one.
- Oh my gosh!
You're like, you're like totally free now.
That's awesome, high five!
(clapping)
- Yeah, nice.
- Well, I suppose your mandatory
activity is technically complete.
Your reward is a giant gummy worm.
- Oh, wow, yes, awesome.
Do you want some?
(chewing)
- Whitney, that is all the time
we have for today's episode.
- Huh?
- You have two minutes before the feed
will be cut.
- Oh darn.
Well, I guess we'd better mosh it out.
This week I am moshing out
my sexual frustrations.
Living in a bunker is hard as hell!
(aggressive heavy metal music)
- Greetings meta-human
post-apocalyptic people.
I am Steve Zaragoza the 13th.
You might know me as
Steve Zaragoza the 13th,
and I have some time travel tips for you
in case you're ever going
to travel through time.
Steve's tips, which is likely impossible,
because I had the only time machine,
and it can't be used again.
But just in case, here's some tips.
Steve's tips. Number one, don't eat.
(stomach digesting)
Number two, don't time travel.
Don't do it, it's dangerous.
I'm learning the hard way.
Number three, make sure you're wearing
a sensible outfit, like me.
Like, I'm wearing a 4000 credit spacesuit.
And it doesn't look like a spacesuit,
but it keeps me safe from bad
oxygen, burps, pennies, and not good hugs.
Don't forget to wear a stylish time vest
when you're entering a time machine.
You don't know what times are gonna get
thrown at you, nine o'clock, four o'clock,
you gotta be protected.
Don't glitch.
I know you want to, it feels good.
Don't glitch.
Steve's tip, tip number 25.
Uh uh, zip it.
Okay, here's another
great time travel tip.
Don't ever go back in time
and try to tell yourself
you should put money in Microsoft or Apple
or something like that.
It doesn't work because
Steve Jobs cloned himself
100 million times, and
he put himself in every
single time frame in the
history of our planet
Earth dimension one, and he'll kill you.
Also, never go back in
time to get a Big Mac
when it was a bigger size, because you're
just gonna be disappointed
when you go back
and the Big Mac is small again.
And now some time travel do's.
Definitely go back in
time and kiss a babe.
Do go back in time and kiss your mom.
Goodnight, hello, goodbye, whatever.
You only get one mom.
(kissing sound)
Well, that's all the tips I have for you
because I'm sleepy.
So make sure you keep track
of where you are at all
times, and don't forget
that in a dream, light
switches don't work.
(upbeat pop music)
(bass-heavy metal music)
