WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
NOW I.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE TUNE INTO
THIS SHOW ON A NIGHTLY BASIS TO
GET THEIR NEWS AND INFORMATION.
THEY COUNT ON ME TO BE A
STRAIGHT SHOOTER, OKAY, WITH A
CALM VOICE.
I DON'T WANT TO BE ALARMIST.
WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE.
( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE U.S. INTELLIGENCE
BELIEVES THAT NORTH KOREA IS NOW
MAKING MISSILE-READY NUCLEAR
WEAPONS.
MY GOD, DENNIS RODMAN, DID YOU
DO NOTHING?
( LAUGHTER )
BUT DON'T WORRY.
THE STORY GETS WORSE BECAUSE
OVER THE WEEKEND, THE U.N.
SECURITY COUNCIL VOTED 15-0
TO SANCTION NORTH KOREA.
AND IN RESPONSE, NORTH KOREA
WARNED THAT THEY ARE "READY TO
TEACH THE U.S. A SEVERE LESSON
WITH ITS NUCLEAR STRATEGIC
FORCE," ADDING THAT "OTHER
COUNTRIES WERE NOT BEING
THREATENED."
WHAT?
HOW IS THAT FAIR?
OTHER COUNTRIES ARE NOT?
IT WAS 15 COUNTRIES.
WE'RE JUST ONE OF THE 15
COUNTRIES.
WHY JUST US?
LOOK, NORTH KOREA, STOP TRYING
TO MAKE US A THING.
I'M NOT SAYING WHAT WE HAVE IS
SPECIAL, BUT IT'S NOT EXCLUSIVE.
THE UNITED STATES, WE SANCTION A
LOT OF OTHER COUNTRIES.
WE SANCTIONED RUSSIA JUST LAST
WEEK, AND IT FELT PRETTY GREAT.
THEY THREATEN US.
THEY THREATEN US, OKAY-- LISTEN,
LISTEN.
THEY THREATEN US IN A WAY YOU
NEVER WILL.
YOU SHOULD SEE THE SIZE OF THEIR
MISSILES.
YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE-- I'M JUST
SAYING.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD START
THREATENING OTHER COUNTRIES,
TOO.
GET OUT THERE.
WHO KNOWS?
MAYBE THE COUNTRY YOU REALLY
WANT TO ANNIHILATE HAS BEEN
RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU THE WHOLE
TIME.
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, THIS IS THE LEVEL OF NORTH
KOREA'S PRESENT PARANOIA: THEY
DESCRIBED THIS U.N. VOTE AGAINST
THEM AS "PACKS OF WOLVES ARE
COMING IN ATTACK TO STRANGLE A
NATION."
SO IN THIS METAPHOR, THE U.S.
AND OUR ALLIES ARE WOLVES?
HAS KIM JONG-UN EVER SEEN A
WOLF?
BECAUSE STRANGLING'S NOT REALLY
THEIR THING.
( LAUGHTER )
AAARRGGHHH!
STOP IT!
STOP IT!
STOP IT!
THAT TICKLES!
THAT TICKLES!
( LAUGHTER )
I KEEP THEM NOW!
THANKFULLY, FACED WITH THE
GREATEST CHALLENGE OF HIS
PRESIDENCY, DONALD TRUMP STEPPED
UP, AND IN A MOMENT OF PURE
STATESMANSHIP, DE-ESCALATED THE
RHETORIC AND BROUGHT CALM TO OUR
WORRIED NATION.
( LAUGHTER )
I'M JUST KIDDING.
HE SAID THIS:
>> NORTH KOREA BEST NOT MAKE ANY
MORE THREATS TO THE UNITED
STATES.
THEY WILL BE MET WITH FIRE AND
FURY LIKE THE WORLD HAS NEVER
SEEN.
HE HAS BEEN VERY THREATENING,
BEYOND A NORMAL STATEMENT.
AND AS I SAID, THEY WILL BE MET
WITH FIRE, FURY AND, FRANKLY,
POWER, THE LIKES OF WHICH THIS
WORLD HAS NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: SHUT UP!
JUST SHHHH!
OKAY?
YOU'RE GOING TO GET US ALL
KILLED, AND I JUST STARTED "THE
HANDMAID'S TALE."
( LAUGHTER )
YOU KNOW KIM JONG-UN'S CRAZY,
RIGHT?
HE'S A LOOSE CANNON.
LIKE MEL GIBSON IN "LETHAL
WEAPON."
ALSO, THAT ONE TIME HE GOT
PULLED OVER.
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, LOOK, THE ONE RAY OF HOPE
HERE IS THAT I'M NOT SURE
WHETHER TO BELIEVE
TRUMP'S NUCLEAR SABER RATTLING,
AND NEITHER ARE YOU, BECAUSE A
POLL CAME OUT TODAY THAT FOUND
THREE-QUARTERS OF AMERICANS SAY
THEY CAN'T TRUST MOST OF WHAT
THEY HEAR FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.
I DON'T BLAME THEM.
I DON'T BLAME THEM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PEOPLE ARE APPLAUDING PROFOUND
DOUBT IN THEIR GOVERNMENT.
( LAUGHTER )
I DON'T BLAME THEM FOR NOT
TRUSTING THEM.
THE WHITE HOUSE HAS MADE A LOT
OF QUESTIONABLE CLAIMS.
FOR INSTANCE, THE CROWD SIZE AT
THE INAUGURATION, THE OBAMA
WIRETAPPING, AND THERE'S NO WAY
STEVE BANNON IS THAT FLEXIBLE.
( LAUGHTER )
BUT HERE'S THE THING, HERE'S THE
THING:
WHILE ONLY 24% OF AMERICANS
TRUST WHAT THEY HEAR FROM THE
WHITE HOUSE, TRUMP'S APPROVAL
RATING IN THE POLL IS 38%.
THAT MEANS 14% OF VOTERS ENJOY
BEING LIED TO.
AND-- I JUST WANT TO SAY-- IF
ANY OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE
TUNING IN RIGHT NOW, I JUST WANT
TO SAY, "EVERYTHING IS GOING TO
BE FINE."
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
