WELCOME ONE
AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I LIKE THAT.
THANK YOU.
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GUYS ARE
FEELING TONIGHT, BUT I AM
STAYING POSITIVE -- NOT TESTING
POSITIVE, JUST STAYING
POSITIVE --
( LAUGHTER )
STAYING POSITIVE.
I BELIEVE THE BOTTLE OF PURELL
IS HALF-FULL.
( LAUGHTER )
'CAUSE SOMEBODY STOLE HALF MY
PURELL.
I WILL FIND YOU!
( LAUGHTER )
THE CORONAVIRUS IS STILL ON
EVERYONE'S MINDS, SO DON'T
FORGET TO WASH YOUR MINDS.
( LAUGHTER )
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN
TONIGHT'S EDITION OF" GOIN'
VIRAL."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BOOK YOUR CRUISE NOW!
THERE ARE NOW OVER 600 CASES IN
THE UNITED STATES.
THERE WERE 500 WHEN WE REHEARSED
THIS TWO HOURS AGO.
( LAUGHTER )
OVER THE WEEKEND, THE C.D.C.
POSTED SOME GUIDELINES FOR
PEOPLE AT RISK OF SERIOUS
ILLNESS FROM THE VIRUS,
INCLUDING AVOID CROWDS AS MUCH
AS POSSIBLE.
( LAUGHTER )
OKAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OKAY.
>> Jon: GOOD ADVICE.
GOOD ADVICE.
>> Stephen: LET'S HELP
EVERYBODY REMEMBER THAT.
CHANT IT WITH ME!
AVOID CROWDS!
AVOID CROWDS!"
AVOID CROWDS!
AVOID CROWDS!"
EXCELLENT.
( LAUGHTER )
HERE IN NEW YORK, WE HAVE OVER
140 CASES.
THAT'S THE WHOLE STATE.
THE WHOLE STATE HAS 140 CASES.
MAYOR DCBLASIO HAD SOME REAL
HELPFUL ADVICE, TELLING
CMMUTERS TO AVOID PACKED SUBWAY
CARS.
( LAUGHTER )
QUICK THINKING, MR. MAYOR
( LAUGHTER )
WHY DIDN'T WE THINK OF THAT?
LISTEN UP EVERYBODY, YOU DON'T
WANT TO GET ON THE CROWDED
SUBWAY CAR, SO REMEMBER TO GET
ON WITH A CRYING BABY AND AN
ACCORDION.
( LAUGHTER )
THINGS ARE WORSE OVERSEAS, THE
ITALIAN GOVERNMENT JUST
QUARANTINED THE ENTIRE COUNTRY.
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
YEAH.
EVEN THE OLIVE GARDEN JUST
CHANGED THEIR SLOGAN TO "WHEN
YOU'RE HERE-- WHY ARE YOU HERE?
YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE US
CORONAVIRUS!"
( LAUGHTER )
THAT IS THE OFFICIAL RESTAURANT
OF ITALY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HOSPITALITY, MY FRIEND.
WHILE OFFICIALS ARE URGING CALM,
TODAY WALL STREET S&PEED ITS
PANTS.
( LAUGHTER )
THE DOW FELL OVER 2,000 POINTS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
IT'S THE LARGEST SINGLE POINT
DROP IN HISTORY.
I THINK WE HAVE SOME FOOTAGE OF
THE DOW DROPPING:
>> DON'T FORGET TO WASH YOUR
HANDS!
>> STEPHEN: HE'S FINE.
THE DOW IS FINE.
( APPLAUSE )
THAT POINT DROP IS THE LARGEST
IN DOW HISTORY-- BY OVER 500
POINTS-- BREAKING THE RECORD SET
JUST 11 DAYS AGO.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
TRUMP WAS RIGHT WHEN HE SAID
THIS:
>> WE ARE GOING TO WIN SO MUCH
YOU ARE GOING TO GET SO TIRED
OF WINNING.
SO TIRED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: ABSOLUTELY
EXHAUSTED.
( LAUGHTER )
EVERY DAY AT THE NEW YORK STOCK
EXCHANGE, THEY LET GUESTS RING
THE OPENING BELL, SO IT MUST
SUCK FOR TODAY'S BELL RINGERS
BANKING INDUSTRY WOMEN,
CELEBRATING INTERNATIONAL
WOMENS' DAY.
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
SO, SUDDENLY, THE MARKET WAS
EARNING WAY LESS THAN WHEN A MAN
RANG THE BELL, EVEN THOUGH THE
WOMEN DID THE SAME JOB?
THAT CHECKS OUT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
HUH.
HUH.
I SAY, HUH.
THE DAY WAS SO ROUGH ON WALL
STREET, BUSINESS JOURNALISTS
WERE FORCED TO GET REALLY
CREATIVE.
VARIOUS OUTLETS DESCRIBED THE
MARKET AS CAREENING, PLUNGING,
SINKING, TUMBLING, COLLAPSING,
CRATERING, PLUMMETING AND
CRASHING.
IN FACT, THE ONLY COMPANY THAT
DID WELL TODAY WAS
"INTERNATIONAL THESAURUS AND
SYNONYM, INC."
( LAUGHTER )
THROUGH THE ROOF!
THIS WAY, RIGHT?
>> Jon: GOT TO GET YOUR WORDS
TOGETHER.
>> Jon: YOU LOOK GOOD.
>> Stephen:
THIS IS THE FIRST CRISIS OF
TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY THAT HE
DIDN'T CAUSE HIMSELF AND HE IS
COMPLETELY SHANKING IT.
( LAUGHTER )
INSTEAD OF MONITORING THE
SITUATION, TRUMP SPENT THE
WEEKEND GOLFING.
( BOOING )
>> Jon: COME ON, MAN.
>> Stephen: I KNOW.
YOU TOOK THE "OOOH RIGHT OUT OF
MY MOUTH.
SEEMS INSENSITIVE, BUT REMEMBER
THAT RIGHT AFTER PEARL HARBOR
WAS ATTACKED, F.D.R. WAS
PHOTOGRAPHED PLAYING SKEEBALL.
( LAUGHTER )
"DECEMBER 7, 1941: A DAY THAT
WILL LIVE IN FUN-FOR-ME!"
( LAUGHTER )
THEN, WITH PEOPLE CONCERNED
ABOUT THE GROWING DEATH TOLL OF
THE OUTBREAK, TODAY TRUMP
TWEETED, "SO LAST YEAR 37,000
AMERICANS DIED FROM THE COMMON
FLU.
IT AVERAGES BETWEEN 27,000 AND
70,000 PER YEAR.
NOTHING IS SHUT DOWN, LIFE AND
THE ECONOMY GO ON.
AT THIS MOMENT, THERE ARE 546
CONFIRMED CASES OF CORONAVIRUS,
WITH 22 DEATHS.
THINK ABOUT THAT!"
( LAUGHTER )
OKAY, LET ME THINK ABOUT THAT.
YOU'RE A MONSTER.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HAD TO THINK ABOUT IT.
HAD TO THINK ABOUT IT.
HERE'S THE THING: WE CAN
CRITICIZE TRUMP'S GOLFING AND
TWEETING, BUT WHEN HE HUNKERS
DOWN AND FOCUSES ON THE PROBLEM,
THAT'S WHEN HE REALLY SUCKS.
( LAUGHTER )
CASE IN POINT, ON FRIDAY, HE
HEADED DOWN TO THE C.D.C. TO
REASSURE THE PUBLIC, BUT HE LED
OFF WITH SOME LESS-THAN
ENCOURAGING WORDS ABOUT THE
PEOPLE WHO ARE CURRENTLY SICK.
>> MOST OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE
GOING TO BE FINE.
A VAST MAJORITY ARE GOING TO BE
FINE.
>> STEPHEN: IT REMINDS ME OF THE
FAMOUS BOB MARLEY SONG.
S DON'T WORRY
ABOUT A THING
ABOUT A THING
S 'CAUSE THE VAST MAJORITY
OF THINGS ARE GONNA
S BE ALRIGHT S
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, GET THAT
TONE TOGETHER.
I LIKE THAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
YEAH.
>> Stephen: TRUMP WENT ON TO
EXPLAIN WHY
HE'S THE BEST PERSON TO HANDLE
THIS PANDEMIC.
>> YOU KNOW, MY UNCLE WAS A
GREAT PERSON.
HE WAS AT M.I.T.
HE TAUGHT AT M.I.T. FOR, I
THINK, LIKE A RECORD NUMBER OF
YEARS.
HE WAS A GREAT SUPER GENIUS.
DR. JOHN TRUMP.
I LIKE THIS STUFF.
I REALLY GET IT.
PEOPLE ARE SURPRISED THAT I
UNDERSTAND IT.
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Stephen: NO, NO!
NO, NO, NO, HE'S RIGHT --
I WOULD BE VERY SURPRISED IF YOU
UNDERSTOOD IT.
( LAUGHTER )
I DON'T CARE HOW SMART YOUR
UNCLE WAS, EPIDEMIOLOGY IS NOT
GENETIC.
YOU DON'T GET YOUR MOTHER'S EYES
AND YOUR FATHER'S P.H.D
( LAUGHTER )
KNOWLEDGE DOES NOT GET PASSED
DOWN.
THAT'S WHY, NO MATTER HOW MUCH
WE ALL KNOW IT NOW, FUTURE
GENERATIONS ARE GOING TO HAVE TO
LEARN FOR THEMSELVES THAT YOU'RE
AN IDIOT.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THAT'S A FACT.
( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE )
>> NOTE THAT DURING HIS OFFICIAL
VISIT TO THE C.D.C. DURING A
NATIONAL EMERGENCY, TRUMP IS
WEARING A CAMPAIGN HAT.
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
MIGHT NOT BE APPROPRIATE DURING
A CRISIS, BUT IT DOES REMIND ME
OF LINCOLN SHOWING UP AT THE
BATTLE OF ANTIETAM WITH HIS
CAMPAIGN HAT.
"SUCK IT SOUTH!"
( LAUGHTER )
YEP, THAT'S WHAT HE RAN ON,
"SUCK IT SOUTH."
YOU DON'T REMEMBER THAT?
>> Jon: I DON'T REMEMBER THAT.
>> Stephen: UP UNTIL NOW,
THERE HAVE BEEN NOT BEEN
ENOUGH CORONAVIRUS TEST KITS
AVAILABLE, BUT TRUMP SAYS THAT
PROBLEM IS SOLVED.
>> ANYBODY THAT WANTS A TEST CAN
GET A TEST.
THAT'S WHAT THE BOTTOM LINE IS.
ANYBODY RIGHT NOW AND
YESTERDAY-- ANYBODY THAT NEEDS A
TEST GETS A TEST.
WE-- THEY'RE THERE.
THEY HAVE THE TESTS.
>> STEPHEN: WOW!
THAT IS SO REASSURING AND SO NOT
TRUE.
1.1 MILLION TESTS WERE JUST
DISTRIBUTED FOR A COUNTRY OF 328
MILLION.
SO, YEAH, NO.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT, ACCORDING TO TRUMP, THESE
TESTS AREN'T JUST EVERYWHERE,
THEY'RE ALSO JUST THE BEST.
>> THEY HAVE THE TESTS.
AND THE TESTS ARE BEAUTIFUL.
THE TESTS ARE ALL PERFECT, LIKE
THE LETTER WAS PERFECT.
THE TRANSCRIPTION WAS PERFECT,
RIGHT?
THIS WAS NOT AS PERFECT AS THAT,
BUT PRETTY GOOD.
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> STEPHEN: SO THE CORONAVIRUS
TESTS ARE ALMOST AS PERFECT AS
HIS UKRAINIAN PHONE CALL.
(WHISPERING... ).
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.
THAT KNOWLEDGE REALLY GETS A
LAUGH.
( APPLAUSE )
TRUMP'S ALSO TAKING HEAT BECAUSE
HE FIRED THE WHITE HOUSE'S
PANDEMIC RESPONSE TEAM IN 2018.
BUT HE HAD A REPONSE FOR THAT.
>> MR. PRESIDENT, LAST NIGHT,
YOU SAID YOU HAD NOT ANTICIPATED
THIS KIND OF THING HAPPENING.
WOULD YOU RETHINK THEN HAVING AN
OFFICE OF PANDEMIC PREPARATION
IN THE WHITE HOUSE THAT THE
WHITE HOUSE STAFF WOULD LEAD?
>> I JUST THINK THIS IS
SOMETHING, PETER, THAT YOU CAN
NEVER REALLY THINK IS GOING TO
HAPPEN.
( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: YOU KNOW WHO THOUGHT
A PANDEMIC MIGHT HAPPEN?
THE WHITE HOUSE PANDEMIC
RESPONSE TEAM.
( LAUGHTER )
THE SAME WAY -- THE SAME WAY
YOU KNOW WHO THINKS WAFFLES
MIGHT HAPPEN?
THE WAFFLE HOUSE.
( LAUGHTER )
THEY'RE READY ANYTIME WAFFLELES
BREAK OUT.
ONE OF THE BIGGEST VIRUS STORIES
IS THE GRAND PRINCESS CRUISE
SHIP, WHICH HAS BEEN SAILING IN
CIRCLES OFF THE COAST OF SAN
FRANCISCO SINCE LAST WEEK WITH
AT LEAST 21 CORONAVIRUS CASES
ON BOARD.
THINGS HAVE GOTTEN PRETTY GRIM
ABOARD THE SHIP, WITH PASSENGERS
REPORTING PEOPLE FIGHTING OVER
ROTTEN FOOD.
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
SO, SOME PARTS OF THE CRUISE
EXPERIENCE HAVE REMAINED THE
SAME.
( LAUGHTER )
THE SHIP WAS ALLOWED TO DOCK IN
OAKLAND TODAY, BUT NOT EVERYONE
IN THE ADMINISTRATION WAS ON
BOARD WITH GETTING THEM OFF
BOARD.
FOR INSTANCE, THE PRESIDENT.
>> I MEAN, FRANKLY, IF IT WERE
UP TO ME, I WOULD BE INCLINED TO
SAY, "LEAVE EVERYBODY ON THE
SHIP FOR A PERIOD OF TIME, AND
USE THE SHIP AS YOUR BASE."
BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD RATHER
DO IT A DIFFERENT WAY.
THEY WOULD RATHER QUARANTINE
PEOPLE WHEN THEY LAND.
NOW, WHEN THEY DO THAT, OUR
NUMBERS ARE
GOING TO GO UP.
OKAY?
OUR NUMBERS ARE GOING TO GO UP.
I WOULD RATHER-- BECAUSE I LIKE
THE NUMBERS BEING WHERE THEY
ARE.
I DON'T NEED TO HAVE THE
NUMBERS DOUBLE BECAUSE OF ONE
SHIP.
THAT WASN'T OUR FAULT.
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> STEPHEN: TRUMP IS SAYING THAT
HE DOESN'T WANT THE PASSENGERS
OFF THE SHIP, BECAUSE THEIR
ILLNESS MIGHT MAKE HIM LOOK BAD.
(AS TRUMP)
"LOOK, IF THEY COME ASHORE, THEN
WE'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM.
BUT IF WE SEND THEM TO
INTERNATIONAL WATERS, THEN
THEY'RE AQUAMAN'S PROBLEM."
( LAUGHTER )
"OKAY.
AATLANTAS INTERNATIONAL WATERS .
( APPLAUSE )
AS FOR FUTURE CRUISES,
INFECTIOUS DISEASE EXPERTS HAVE
OFFERED THEIR OWN PLAN: STAY THE
HELL AWAY.
>> SAY NO LARGE CROWDS, NO LONG
TRIPS.
AND ABOVE ALL, DON'T GET ON A
CRUISE SHIP.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S A BUMMER FOR
AMERICA'S CRUISE LOVERS.
NOW THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET
CHLAMYDIA FROM A MEMBER OF THE
BLUE MAN GROUP HERE ON LAND.
IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME.
( LAUGHTER )
ALL DRUMMING, ALL THE INCESSANT
DRUMMING.
( LAUGHTER )
WITH MORE AND MORE AMERICANS
OPTING OUT OF CRUISES TO
SELF-QUARANTINE AT HOME, ONE
CRUISE LINE IS INTRODUCING A
NEW, SAFER WAY TO ENJOY THE HIGH
SEAS.
CHECK OUT THEIR AD.
JIM?
>> WORRIED ABOUT THE VIRUS BUT
REFUSE NOT TO CRUISE?
PRINCESS CRUISE HOME EDITION,
THE INCREDIBLE JOURNEY TO WHERE
YOU ALREADY ARE.
LOVE OUR SHRIMP BUFFET?
ENJOY FROM THE COMFORT OF YOUR
OWN SINK.
IT'S FINE.
EAT IT.
NO CRUISE IS COMPLETE WITHOUT
CUTE TOWEL ANIMALS.
NOW YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN -- A
SNAKE OR AN EEL?
GREAT JOB!
YOU EARNED SOME SHRIMP!
AND DON'T MISS THE EXCURSIONS
BICK PANTRY GRATTO, GARAGE
DRAGONS AND NOT A CRUISE WITHOUT
SNRKLING!
>> OH, WOW!
PRINCESS CRUISE HOME EDITION,
THE FUN IS CONTAGIOUS!
( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
JOHN KRASINSKI IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, THE "C" IN
C-PAC STANDS FOR CORONAVIRUS.
STICK AROUND!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
