 
### Table of Contents

Title Page

Introduction

Chapter 1 - Drugstore & Pharmacy Jokes

Just the Facts Ma'am

Wild Weekend *

Perfect Fit

Not Without a Condom

No Pain - No Gain

Bottom Deodorant

Flavor of the Day ***

Important to Abstain

Reduced Dosage

The Old Foot in the Mouth

A Logical Question

I Have a Problem

Smoking in the Rain

Who are These For?

Life's Progression

Extra Large Condoms

A Happy Ending

Four Smart Dogs

Teenage Clerk

Impulse Purchase

Powerful Prescription **

Unarmed Robery

Fountain of Youth

Quick Cure

Protecting the President

Elderly Wedding

Early Release

Winking and Stammering

Deadly Cough

Doctor's Dinner Speech

The Placebo Effect

Deodorant for my Husband

Sanitary Napkins

Large Condom Purchase *

Olympic Condoms *

Can't Smoke in Here

Knowledge Pills

Just a Little Poetry *

The Pharmacy Fence **

The Condom Purchase *

Contraceptive Dilemma *

Take Every Four Hours

Troubling Prescription

The Plaid Condom

Duck in the Drugstore

Dog's Ear Infection

A Scrote *

Just a Guess

Cigarettes and Tampons

Broken Baby Scale

Chapter 2 - Engineer & Programmer Jokes

A Passion for Engineering

Logical Choice

A Sign from God

Do the Math

Great Expectations

One Step Ahead

The Right Stuff

Magic and Management

The Frog and the Engineer

Down Home Party

Engineer in Hell

The Plant Engineer

Not My Problem

Itemized Billing

Computers and Cars

Which Came First?

The Math Test

The Efficiency Expert

Four Smart Dogs

Emergency Navigation

Computer Nerds

Engineering Standards

Bill Gates and St. Peter

Flight Control Software

Blind Golfers

Brake Failure

Programmer's Interview

Hot Air Balloon

Four Engineers and a Car

Grateful Engineer

The Church Steeple

Chicken Launcher

The Red Rubber Ball

Insurance Proceeds

Condoms Sold and Fitted

Chapter 3 - Farm & Rural Jokes

Pig Breeding *

Bolivian Rooster

Not the Cow *

Two Tickets Please

The Rooster Race

A Deep Hole

Comparing Notes

Bucket and Saucer Method *

Faith Healer

Spanish Sheepherder

Home from Camp

The Tractor

I Didn't Say It

The Learning Curve

Reasonable Precautions *

Rural First Aid

Polish Chicken Farm

Sheepishly Selfish *

Horse for Sale

Buying a Mare *

Bad Response

Unusual Circumstances

Do Your Chores First

Late for School

Amish Moving Violation

Breaking Her In Right

Busload of Politicians

Rush Linbaugh's Chauffer

Special Circumstances

Really Supernatural

The Farmer's Daughters

Breakfast on the Farm

Who is That Man? **

Cross-eyed Cow *

Farm Football *

Beware of Dog

City Slickers

A Special Pig

Feeding the Pigs

Wild Ride

Dangerous City Streets

Paint the Porch

Chicken Little

The Farmer's Divorce

Exaggerated Report

Cold Buggy Ride *

Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

Meal Schedule

I Killed Your Rooster

Sheep Shagging Research **

A Boy and His Duck *

Patent a Peach ***

A Rural Robery

Flat Farm Cat

Elite Chicken Farmer **

Any Questions?

Weighing a Pig **

Dangerous Mule

The Tractor Salesman

The Ski Trip

Killed Your Calf

Donkey Raffle

Farmer and the Lady

Faulty Farm Phone

Carnation Milk *

John Dunn

Sheep Fries

Relatively Speaking

Horney Old Drunks

Chapter 4 - Fireman & Paramedic Jokes

Fighting the Fire

Sex by the Numbers

My House is on Fire

Early Release

Blind Golfers

Elderly Fire Fighters

Exciting Experiences *

Emergency Medical Call

Your Order is Ready

Bear in the Tree *

Canada's Worst Air Disaster

Dixie Christmas

Rednecks to the Rescue *

Gay Firefighters ***

Not as Nice as Texas

Girls Night Out **

The Little Fireman

Help Us

Chapter 5 - Fishing & Camping Jokes

Great Fishing Spot

The Learning Curve

Fishing Gear

The Fishing Trip

Sherlock Holmes

Just Reading a Book

The Toughest Cowboy

Camping Adventures ***

The Camping Nightmare ***

Ice Fishing Trip

Fishing Competition

Walk of Faith

Hungry Alligators

Eating an Eagle

The Union Worker

Bear Warning for Campers

The Fishing License

Fishing on His Honeymoon **

Redneck Fishing Trip

Fishing and Sex

The Camping Trip

Hybrid Fish

Moron Fishermen

Sporting Goods Salesman

Pet Fish

No Fishing License

Chapter 6 - Funeral & Cemetary Jokes

Cold and Lonely

Jewish Funeral

A Great Seat

Exciting Experiences *

A Fitting Eulogy

Working Late

Comfortable Dentures

Whiskey on my Grave

Now That's Respect

Dying for Some Lefse

Trustworthy Professionals

Memorial Stone

Famous Last Words

The Wrong Suit *

Construction Workers

The English Patient

Old Pecan Tree

Can You Say Oxymoron?

Canada's Worst Air Disaster

I'm Coming Back

Assertive Husband

Gay Cremations ***

May It Rest in Peace *

Cardiologist's Funeral

Poor Old Bubba *

Now Smile

An Expensive Funeral

Very Old Grave

Final Arrangements

Dearly Departed

Stateside Burial

Deadly Cough

Anniversary Gifts

A Healthy Move

Visiting Her Grave

Drumming Up Business

Grave Side Service

The Dog's Funeral

Dance on My Grave

New on the Job

Steve's Widow

All Hands on Deck

Sent the Wrong Card

Still in Mourning

Thrifty Obituary

The Afterlife

The Ghost Car

Bad Shortcut

Dearly Departed Husband *

No Place to Sleep

Girls Night Out **

One Final Debt

Got Any Tobacco?

Bloody Good Drinks

Donald Trump's Wake

Diet Supplement

Chapter 7 - Garden of Eden Jokes

In the Beginning

Two Wonderful Gifts

Adam and Eve

Which Came First?

Lust in the Garden *

Scientific Creation

The Old Leaf

Trouble in Eden

Man's Sex Life

God's Gift to Women *

According to Eve

The Garden of Eden

Another Eve Rendition

Important Answers *

Creation Down Under

Chapter 8 - Gay & Lesbian Jokes

Cowboy Saloon *

Happy Mother's Day

Trained Alligator **

The Rooster Race

Down Home Party

I've Got a Secret

Special Days

How Do You Spell Success

Strange Dreams *

Special Day at School **

Rattle the Windows

Shower Patrol **

Getting Even **

The Camping Nightmare ***

Pulling Rank

Taxi Driver's Fantasy **

Cheap Booze

Lucky Guess **

Old Gus

Escaped Convict

Self Image

Penance by the Numbers **

Avoiding Arrest

Get Out of My Church

Deadly Habits

Powerful Message

Free Drink Routine ***

Gay Cremations ***

Monk Test of Purity *

Brand Loyalty *

Six Double Vodkas

Ducks in Court **

Gay Bar in Dublin **

Spiders Mating

The Best Pubs Around

A Real Horse Lover

Pure Logic

Really Bad Hands

Cold Coed *

Five Shots **

College Pride **

New Gay Couple ***

Keen Sence of Smell ***

Powerful Pills

The Redneck and the Nun **

The Blonde Joke

Garden of Hedon **

Nudist Colont Signals *

Suppository Insertion ***

Tell Me About God

Insulting Customer *

Immaculate Conception **

Gay in the Hereafter *

The Vegas Hooker **

The Gay Grizzly Bear ***

Gay Firefighters ***

Reluctant Paratrooper **

Traveling Salesman

Get Out of Town **

The Travel Voucher

Puddle in the Shower **

Watching Ships

Lay Them on the Bar **

Choose Your Punishment **

She's a Lesbian

Ladies Day

Royal Weddomg Night **

Brokeback Mountain

Nature Lover

Chapter 9 - Genie & Magic Jokes

Lost at Sea

Anniversary Wishes

Strange Request

Genie with a Hearing Problem *

Magic and Management

Bad Choice of Words

Lucky Frog

Errant Ball

Not the Cow *

The Magic Mountain

The Frog and the Engineer

A Special Frog

The Magician and the Parot

Non-traditional Genie

Your Weight and Fortune

Last but not Least

Bad Timing *

Double Trouble

Cinderella at the Ball **

The Wizard of Oz

The Frog Prince *

Tough Wish

Wishing for Wine **

Lucky Leprechaun

A Magic Mermaid

Thirst Quenching

Fairy Tale Romance *

The Amazon Adventure *

Mysterious Happenings

Psychic and the Frog

Genie and the Bureaucrat

Strange Trio *

Stranded

The Witch and the Mirror

Golf Genie

Genie and the Intern **

A Voice from Beyond

Big Body and Small Head **

The Magic Erection

Bad Wish

The Third Wish

An American Holiday

Hillary's Future

Way Too Long

The Ominous Voice

Enchanted Rattlesnake

Great Stein Collection

Rabbit and the Bear

Old Maid and her Cat

Terry's Joke Collection Breakdown

#

# Terry's Joke Collection

# Volume III

Drugstore to Genie Jokes

# Terry Eade

Copyright 2017 Terry Eade

Smashwords Edition

ISBN 9781370062683
Introduction

Illustration by Terry Eade

This is the third of nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection. The collection has been broken up into separate volumes to keep each book under a thousand pages. This has been done for storage and data transmission purposes. There are fifty-two chapters, with each chapter covering a specific category of jokes. This makes it easier to find a joke, which fits the occasion or topic.

Each joke has a title and is listed in the table of contents in the appropriate chapter so that it can be accessed directly by just clicking on its title. Jokes are also annotated to let the reader know if it is appropriate for the occasion or audience where you are telling the joke. This scale is explained at the beginning of each chapter. Although the number of chapters in each volume range from three to ten, most of the volumes contain about the same number of jokes. A complete listing of all volumes in this series is provided at the end of this book.

The advantage of having these books in electronic format is that you can view them on your smart phone, tablet, ebook reader, or computer. You can specify the size of the print they will appear in, so they are easy for you to read. You can also use your device's ebook reader software to electronically bookmark a joke you want to quickly access. Because they are stored as books in your mobile device library you can have them with you wherever you go, without needing a wi-fi connection, a cell phone connection, or using any of your data allowance.

The size and weight of this information in traditional print books would take a whole suitcase to store and that suitcase would weigh a ton. Now you can have thousands of jokes with you on your phone. So you should never have to apologize because you can't remember a great joke you would like to tell or forget the punch line of one you are trying to tell from memory.

Even if you're not the type of person who enjoys telling jokes, you will get hours of enjoyment reading those provided in this book and the other eight volumes of the Terry's Joke Collection series. Also. if you are like me, you will find your favorites and enjoy reading them over and over. When I am telling jokes to my friends they will have their favorites and request them for any new person in the group or just to hear them again. Virtually any time I am telling jokes to my friends they will say "Tell the one about the Foreign Legion captain and the camel, the taxidermist in the redneck bar, or the general and the motor pool." The titles of the jokes are descriptive, but designed to not give away the punch line of the joke.

Those reading solely for entertainment should make sure they take note of the joke rating notations explained at the beginning of each chapter. This way they are warned in advance that a joke may be racier or raunchier than they would like. Just as I do not want to offend my audience when telling a joke, I do not want to offend my readers by having them read a joke which might offend, shock, or embarrass them.

My collection of jokes started at a very young age. When I was just seven years old, my sixteen-year-old cousin would tell me jokes while we were riding the tractor together on his parents' farm in Michigan. He told me about the facts of life so I could understand the humor in the jokes. These "facts" were quickly validated, by watching the animals on the farm.

Since I had been exposed to a great number of more sophisticated jokes than my grade school companions, I became the one to tell jokes in the school yard. Because I was an army brat, and attended more schools than grades as I moved to new cities, states, and countries, I became the Johnny Appleseed of joke telling.

When I went to college my joke telling paid off in other ways. As long as I would tell jokes to my friends and classmates at the local college tavern, they would buy me beer. Since I was working my way through college, free beer was a great luxury as well as a vital part of the college experience.

Later, when I began teaching college courses, giving seminars, accepting speaking engagements, and serving as the MC at various functions, my jokes would often spice up otherwise dull subjects and events. Having a love of telling jokes and a very good memory, I retain the jokes and can still tell thousands from memory. My ability to do this is based on a trick I learned about public speaking. That trick is not to memorize the joke word for word, but to just remember the concept and the punch line and wing the rest. I also embellished my joke telling skills by adopting various accents and sound effects, which fit with the joke I was telling.

Whenever I told jokes in an informal setting, my companions would also share their favorite jokes and I would add those to my collection. Friends and relatives, who knew I was always looking for a new joke, emailed a great number of my jokes to me. As a result, my collection has grown so large that it takes nine volumes to tell them all. If you find a joke that is not included in my collection, please send it to me at teade@mac.com.

Although I have made up a few of the jokes in my collection, most of them are in the public domain. So, although the books are copyrighted, the jokes are not. Being an amateur cartoonist, I have also drawn all of the illustrations in the books and these are copyrighted as well.

All nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection, as well as several other books I have authored, are available online from Barnes & Noble, the Apple iBookstore, Amazon.com, or directly from the publisher at smashwords.com (where I get a bigger royalty). Just go to any of those sites and search for "Terry Eade." 

# Chapter 1

# Drugstore & Pharmacy Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a teenager in a drugstore may appear here and in the Teen & High School Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Just the Facts Ma'am

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"

# Wild Weekend *

Bill goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to keep me going all night?

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is very potent so drink only one ounce. I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds Bill waiting for him on the door-step. "What are you doing here so early?" the pharmacist says, "I thought you would be home resting after your wild weekend?"

" I need some Blue Ice or Ben Gay and I need it bad."

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."

Bill says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."

Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"

Bill replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."

Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what?"

"The girls never showed up!" says Bill

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Perfect Fit

A man goes up to the cashier at a large drug store and asks for a box of condoms. The pretty young clerk asks him what size condoms he takes.

"I don't know," he replies "I didn't even know they came in different sizes."

"They do now" says the clerk, "perhaps I can help you out." So the clerk reaches over the counter sticks her hand down the front of his pants and fondles his genitals for a few seconds. Then she says "You take a large," and selects a box of large condoms from the rack behind the counter.

The next man in line also wants a pack of condoms, and he doesn't know what size either, so the pretty young clerk reaches down the front of his pants, fondles his genitals for a few seconds and tells him that he needs a medium, and then completes the sale.

The next person in line is a teenage boy who came in to buy some cigarettes, but has been watching what has been going on in front of him and has now decided to buy some condoms.

The pretty young clerk turns to the teenage boy and says "What can I get for you sir?"

"I'd like a box of condoms," says the boy, "and I don't know my size."

Again the pretty young clerk reaches over the counter puts her hand down the front of his pants and starts to fondle his genitals. After a few seconds she laughs and grabs the microphone off the counter with her other hand and announces "clean up on aisle three!!"

# Not Without a Condom

A couple of deaf teenagers are parked up at lookout point. They engage in some necking and then heavy petting. Then the boy wants to go all the way. The girl stops him before he can get that far and in sign language tells him that she is not going all the way unless he uses a condom. Since he doesn't have any condoms, they drive back into town and he pulls up to an all night drug store.

After about ten minutes the boy returns to the car and tells the girl that he can't seem to get the night clerk to understand what he wants and since the condoms are under the counter he can't show him either. So again he pleads with the girl to reconsider. She still refuses to have sex without a condom, so the boy goes back into the drug store.

Fifteen minutes later the boy returns to the car in utter frustration, starts the car and in sign language tells the girl he is taking her home.

"What's wrong," asks the girl in sign language.

"I've given up," says the boy in sign language " I tried everything I could think of to convey what I wanted, and then finally in frustration I slammed a five dollar bill on the counter, unzipped my fly , laid my penis on the counter and then pointed at the five dollar bill and then at my penis."

"Then what happened," asked the girl in sign language."

"Then the clerk plunked five dollars down on the counter, unzipped his fly, laid his penis on the counter and since his penis was bigger than mine he took the ten dollars and put it in his pocket," responded the boy in sign language.

# No Pain - No Gain

Redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I've got a hot date fer tonight, an' I needs me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them thar rubbers gonna cost me?"

To which the pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."

To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a'mighty, don't they stay on by themselves??"

# Bottom Deodorant

A blonde walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the blonde that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that her roommate has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, but the roomate is out of town and they are all out of bottom deodorant.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But she told me she always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" says the blonde, "I'll go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

# Flavor of the Day ***

A wife was telling her husband about her day and added that she had also stopped by for an appointment with her gynecologist.

"Anything wrong," asks the husband.

"No," says the wife "just a mild yeast infection, so the doctor told me to start using a douche to keep it from coming back. When I got down to the drug store they now have douche in flavors. Since it wasn't any more money I got the flavored kind."

"Oh," says the husband, "what flavor did you get?"

"Tuna," says the wife.

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Important to Abstain

There were these three couples; one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed that wanted to join the church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained, and they replied, "Yes, no problem!" So the minister says, "Welcome to the church!"

Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question, and they said, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister says to them, "Welcome to the church!"

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks. The husband says, "We were unable to abstain, on the third day, my wife dropped a bottle of shampoo and when she bent over to pick it up, lust and passion overcame me".

So the minister says, "I'm sorry, but you are both banned from this church!"

To this the husband replies, "That's O.K., we're banned from Walgreens, too."

# Reduced Dosage

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old.I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".

# The Old Foot in the Mouth

A teenage boy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night." We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out after that. And I have a feeling that I'm going to get lucky, so you better give me the 12 pack. The teenager makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes with constant references to understanding and forgiveness.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."

# A Logical Question

Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go." "Good idea," she says. "While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine."

The groom gets out, walks into the drug store and says to the clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please."

"Yes sir," says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"

# I Have a Problem

A man went into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses."

# Smoking in the Rain

Thelma and Abigail were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. Abigail pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

"What's that?" asks thelma.

" A condom," says Abigail. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

"Where did you get it?" Thelma inquires.

"You can get them at any drugstore." says Abigail.

The next day, Thelma hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

"It doesn't matter," says Thelma, "as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

# Who are These For?

Two little boys go into the drug store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?"

The nine-year old says "They're for my four-year-old little brother." The cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?"

The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those things."

# Life's Progression

A father and his teenage son go into the drug store to pick up a prescription. As they go toward the check-out counter they pass a large display of condoms. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''

The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....'' 

# Extra Large Condoms

A woman walks into a store and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.

The pharmacist replies, ''Yes, would you like to buy one?''

The woman replies, ''No sir, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys one?'

# A Happy Ending

A recently-married man goes into a drugstore to pick up some things. The clerk greets him....

Clerk: Hey, how did the wedding go?

Man: Well, we got married.

Clerk: That's good!

Man: No, that's bad. I wasn't wearing any clothes.

Clerk: Oh that is bad!

Man: No, that's good -- she didn't care and she's rich.

Clerk: Oh, that is good.

Man: No, that's bad. She won't give me any or spend any of it.

Clerk: Oh, that's bad.

Man: No, that's good: She bought a house.

Clerk: Oh, that's good

Man: No, that's bad -- it burned down.

Clerk: Oh that is bad.

Man: No that's good -- she was in it!

# Four Smart Dogs

Four men, an engineer, an accountant, a pharmacist and a government worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff."

T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the pharmacist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's compensation and went home on sick leave

# Teenage Clerk

A teenage kid is working at a drug store after school each day. The kid works hard, but always gets the orders wrong. His boss tells him if he screws up one more time, he is fired.

An old man walks in and orders cough syrup. The teenager can't find any so he gives the old man a laxative instead. The old man takes the laxative and leaves the store.

The boss comes up and asks why he gave the man a laxative in place of cough syrup. The teenager points towards the old man who is suddenly leaning on a lightpost and says, "Look at him -- he's afraid to cough.

# Impulse Purchase

One day Reverend Smith went to visit Mrs. Jenkins, one of the elder parishoners in his church. When he arrived she asked him to wait in the parlor while she went to the kitchen to get refreshments for their visit. Reverend Smith, while waiting in the parlor, happened to notice that on top of Mrs. Jenkins' organ was sitting a bowl which contained a condom floating in water.

Now Reverend Smith was very befuddled and after Mrs. Jenkins returned he couldn't help himself and asked her to explain this to him.

"Oh, Reverend Smith," she replied, "I was browsing at the corner drug store and noticed these small foil packages on a display. The package said that if you put it on your organ and keep it wet that it will prevent disease and frankly, I haven't been sick all year."

# Powerful Prescription **

A worried teenage kid goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem.''

The doctor examines the teenager and finds the has a red ring around his penis. The doctor writes him out a perscription and tells him it should clear up the problem.

The teenager goes into the drug store and has the prescription filled. The pharmacist gives him a small tube of ointment and tells him to apply it to the effected area twice a day until the redness is gone.

The next day the teenager comes into the drug store and tells the pharmacist ''It's all cleared up, what was that medication you gave me?''

''Lipstick remover," says the pharmacist.

_** Risque_

# Unarmed Robery

About midnight, a man with an umbrella walked up to the counter at an all night drug store.

"Can I help you?" asked the clerk.

"Yes, please put all the cash in this bag."

The clerk looked around and said, "You don't have a gun!"

"No, but I've got this umbrella."

"You're not going to rob me without a gun."

WHAP! The robber hits the clerk in the head with the umbrella.

"Now, just give me the money!"

"You're not going to rob me without a gun, or a knife or something!"

WHAP! The robber hits him on the other side of the head with the umbrella. The clerk picks himself off the floor, opens the cash drawer and puts all the money in a paper bag. He hands it to the robber who starts to leave.

"Wait!" says the clerk, pulling out his wallet and handing the robber a fist full of cash. "Here, go buy yourself a gun. You're going to hurt some body with that damn umbrella!"

# Fountain of Youth

An middle aged man walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he has anything to keep you from showing the signs of ageing. The pharmacist pulls out a small bottle from under the counter and says, "This is a litle expensive but it is very effective. I take it myself and so do all the other employees in the store."

"This sounds like one of those new fad medicine which never really work and are off the market in a couple of years," says the customer.

"Not this one," says the Pharmacist, "I've sold this one for over sixty years."

Still dubious, the fellow takes the bottle to the cashier, a really stunning young blonde. As he was paying, he asked, "Has your boss really been selling this stuff for sixty years? He looks to be a lot younger than I am."

"Can't really say, sir," replied the blonde. "I've only been with him for about forty five years now."

# Quick Cure

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man screams.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"

The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT... But my wife out in the car still does!"

# Protecting the President

Monica Lewinsky went up to the pharmacist at her local drug store and stated, "I need to buy condoms."

The pharmacist looked up and asked, "Shall I put it on your bill?" "

No, thanks," Monica responded. "I prefer to put them on him myself."

# Elderly Wedding

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

# Early Release

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at two in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

# Winking and Stammering

A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.

The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."

"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."

"Show me," said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.

The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."

"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"

"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.

The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"

# Deadly Cough

A funeral procession is going up a steep hill on main street when the door of the hearst flys open and the coffin falls out then speeds down main street into a pharmacy and crashes into the counter. The lids pops open and the deceased says to the astonished pharmacist, "You got anything to stop this coffin ?"

# Doctor's Dinner Speech

A doctor is to give a speech at the local AMA dinner. He jots down notes for his speech.

Unfortunately, when he stands in front of his colleagues later that night, he finds that he can't read his notes. So he asks, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"

# The Placebo Effect

The pharmacist was working behind the counter filling prescriptions when a blonde came in to complain about a prescription she had filled a few days earlier. The blonde complained that the capsules she'd been given weren't working.

"Oh," the said the pharmacist, "perhaps you're taking them the wrong way. You have to take them so that the green half goes in first."

The blonde stopped by a week later and said "My medication is now working fine, I must have been taking them backwards before."

# Deodorant for my Husband

A blonde walks into a drug store, goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk: "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."

"Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk.

"No," replied the blonde, "the kind for under his arms."

# Sanitary Napkins

A black woman from the projects walks into the local pharmacy and says: "I wants to get a box of dem Sanitary Napkins."

The pharmacist replies, "We have mini-pads and maxi-pads, which do you prefer?"

The woman asks, "What's the difference?"

Pharmacist replies, "It depends on what your flow is like!"

Woman replies, "My flo? My flo is linoleum!"

# Large Condom Purchase *

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please."

With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!"

To which the guy replies, "OK, then make it 100."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Olympic Condoms *

A man is at the local drug store and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"They're in three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course", says the man proudly!

The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came in second for a change!".

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Can't Smoke in Here

A guy enters a drugstore and lights up a cigar.

The owner, a bit outraged, says "Sir, please refrain from smoking here, it is a public place.."

A bit bewildered, the guy answers "But it is only yesterday I bought those cigars here."

The owner quietly replies : "Irrelevant, sir, we also sell condoms here!"

# Knowledge Pills

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

# Just a Little Poetry *

A pharmacist is training a new part-time teenage employee. Having observed the new clerk display a lack of enthusiasm when dealing with the customers, the pharmacist gives the young clerk some sage advise.

"When a customer comes into the shop, be very polite to them and try to put a little poetry into it when you're talking to them."

The youth says that he does not see what the pharmacist means by this, so the pharmacist says that he should observe when the next customer comes in and watch how he or she is dealt with.

Presently a middle aged woman comes in to the shop and asks for something for a tummy bug.

The pharmacist says, "There's a lot of that virus going about, but this pink mixture should sort you out!"

"Oh thank you very much!" says the middle aged woman and she leaves the shop.

So the pharmacist says the youth can serve the next customer while he goes to tea break, "And remember to put some poetry into it" he says.

Anyway, the youth waits around and nobody comes in, so he decides to go to the restroom. Just as he's about to nip off, a young teenage girl comes in.

"Can I help you?" he asks. She replies very embarrassedly that she would like to buy some sanitary towels, to which the youth replies :

"Hang on Miss, I'm dying for a piss, but I'll be back in a flash, with a sash for your gash!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Pharmacy Fence **

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female clerk, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."

"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."

So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful clerk sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the clerk. Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the clerk begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The clerk takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"

"Screw the condoms! I just want to buy three yards of that fence!"

_** Risque_

# The Condom Purchase *

A teenage boy and his girlfriend are out on a date one Saturday night when the boy tells the girl that since they have been going steady for two months he wants to go all the way. The girl finally agrees, but tells the boy that he must use a condom. The boy agrees, but since he does not have a condom they drive to a nearby drug store.

The boy spots the condoms on the display rack behind the counter and rings for service. The male pharmacist is busy filling a prescription, so he sends his female assistant to handle the customer. Not prepared to face such a delicate purchase with a female clerk, the boy quickly looks around the display behind the counter and spots a pair of tweezers for $1.98 and tells the lady that's what he wants. He makes the purchase and returns to the car. After he tells the girl about his embarrassing encounter he asks her to reconsider her demand that they use a condom. When she refuses, he returns to the drug store for another try.

This time he waits until it looks like the male pharmacist is not busy and then he walks up to the counter and rings for service. At just that moment, someone calls in a prescription, and the male pharmacist again motions for his female assistant to help the teenager. Again the teenager is embarrassed to ask the female clerk for a condom so he spots some lollypops in a jar on the counter and tells the clerk he wants a large chocolate one. He buys the lollypop and goes back out to the car. Again the girlfriend refuses to have sex without a condom and sends the boy back into the drug store.

This time the boy waits until the male pharmist is standing behind the counter and then he approaches and asks him for a pack of condoms. The male pharmist, who has observed the previous two purchases, smiles and says "that's what you wanted all along isn't it?"

"No, says the boy, trying to act macho, I just couldn't figure out whether I wanted to pluck it, suck it, or fuck it."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Contraceptive Dilemma *

A young teenage girl goes into the drug store, waits until a female pharmacist is available and then explains: "I'm having sex with my boyfriend and I need some form of birth control. What would you recommend?"

"What about birth control pills? says the pharmacist.

"No," says the girl, "I don't want my doctor or my folks to know I'm having sex."

"Well," says the pharmacist, "then a diaphram and the patch are not a solution either. Why don't you just buy a pack of condoms?"

"That won't work either," says the girl, "my folks might find the condoms in my purse, and my boyfriend won't use a condom, because he is Catholic."

"Well," says the pharmacist, "we do have a new birth control medicine which does not require a prescription and can be taken just before sex. They look and taste just like mints so neither your folks or your boyfriend will become suspicious that you are practicing birht control."

"That sounds like a great solution," says the girl, "what are they called?"

The pharmacist smiles and says: "The're called Predickamints."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Take Every Four Hours

A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient.

"Be sure not to take this more often than every four hours," the pharmacist says.

"Don't worry," replies the patient. "It takes me at least four hours to get the damn child proof lid off".

# Troubling Prescription

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life? She was told that it was.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

# The Plaid Condom

A Scotish sergeant clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split down one side.

He asks the proprietor, "How much to replace this, Ian?"

The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four pence."

Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?"

The proprietor looks the condom over carefully, and says, "Three pence to repair."

The Scotsman ponders for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."

Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"

# Duck in the Drugstore

A duck walks into a pharmacy waddles up to the prescription counter and rings the bell.

The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help you?"

The duck replies, "Yes, I would like a box of condoms."

"Why certainly," says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would you like me to put it on your bill?"

The duck answers, "What kind of duck do you think I am?"

# Dog's Ear Infection

Apparently this woman's miniature schnauzer had an infection in its ear. The vet told her that it was due to an ingrown hair and that the best treatment would be to remove the hair with a depilatory cream.

The woman went to a drug store and asked the druggist for assistance in selecting an appropriate product. He went on about how some depilatories were better for use on legs and how some were gentler and better for removing facial hair.

He then said, "May I ask where you intend to use this?"

She replied "Well, it's for my schnauzer."

He said, "OK, but you shouldn't ride a bike for two weeks."

# A Scrote *

An elderly couple went into a drug store picked up some medications, some shaving items for the man and some hair care products for the woman. When they got to the check out counter they started arguing about whose turn it was to pay.

The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Just a Guess

A tall, leggy, buxom blonde entered a drugstore one afternoon. As she approached the counter, the pharmacist noticed she was wearing a "Guess" t-shirt.

The pharmacist looked down at her shirt, then looked her straight in the eye and said .."IMPLANTS?"

# Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........ so does she."

# Broken Baby Scale

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.

The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

"That won't work," countered the blonde. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

# Chapter 2

# Engineer & Programmer Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about an engineering student may appear here and in the College & University Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# A Passion for Engineering

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

# Logical Choice

A young engineering student is walking on campus one day when his buddy, who is studying to be a programmer, rides up on a shiny new bicycle.

"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the engineer.

The programmer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful young woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"

The engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway."

# A Sign from God

It was during the French revolution and various parties had been brought before the angry mob for execution by the Guillotine in the town square.

The first to be executed is a Catholic Priest. The executioner places the priests head in the Guillotine and then pulls the cord. The blade comes rushing down and stops just inches from the priests neck. "Sacre blu ..."..says the executioner "it must be a sign from god." So they let the priest go free.

The next to be executed is a Jewish Rabbi. The executioner places the rabbis head in the Guillotine and then pulls the cord. Again the blade comes rushing down and stops just inches from the rabbis neck. Again the executioner and the crowd are convinced that it is a sign from god, so they set the rabbi free.

The next to be executed is an engineer. The executioner places the engineers head in the Guillotine, but before he can pull the cord the engineer turns his head around looks up the Guillotine and says "I think I see the problem!!"

# Do the Math

A lawyer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question , and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" This catches the engineer's complete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pull out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'" The lawyer looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, more that a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep."

# Great Expectations

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover.

The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband is a programmer for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.

# One Step Ahead

A group of programmers and a group of lawyers are traveling to a convention on the same train. Each of the lawyers had purchased a ticket but the programmers have pooled their money and only purchased one ticket. The lawyers can't figure out how all the programmers are going to get to ride with only one ticket.

Just before the conductor comes into the car all of the programmers pile into one of the restrooms. The conductor collects a ticket from each of the lawyers and then noticing that the "occupied" sign is showing on the restroom, knocks on the restroom door and says "Ticket please." When he does the programmers shove the single ticket under the door and the conductor takes the ticket and proceeds to the next car.

The lawyers think this is very smart, so on the trip back they only purchase one ticket. This time the programmers don't purchase any tickets at all. Now the lawyers are really baffled on how the programmers can get by without even a single ticket. This time when the conductor is coming the programmers all pile into the first restroom and the lawyers all pile into the second restroom. Then just before the conductor arrives one of the programmers comes out of the first restroom, goes over to the second restroom, where the lawyers are, knocks on the door and says "Ticket please."

# The Right Stuff

NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.

"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.

"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

# Magic and Management

Three men: a project manager, a software developer, and a database engineer are in Miami beach for a two-week period helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp.

As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The database engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software developer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

# The Frog and the Engineer

A young engineering student was crossing a road by the college one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want."

Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

# Down Home Party

Sam had been a computer programmer for 25 years, and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job in Seattle and buys 50 acres of land in Northern Idaho, as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is this big, bearded local standing there.

"Name's Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this, I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving, he stops, and says, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin."

"Not a problem...after 25 years as a programmer, I can hang with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too."

Damn, Sam thinks...tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear to the party?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us."

# Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell so, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an Engineer? It's a mistake- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an Engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him.

God says, "Send him back up here or else I'll sue you."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?!"

# The Plant Engineer

Bill had been the plant engineer for the pickle factory for a number of years. It was his job to make sure the production line and other plant equipment was in good working order. One day he came home and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer at work.

His wife suggested he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?'

"Oh, Bill, you didn't?"

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh........ she got fired too."

# Not My Problem

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

# Itemized Billing

There was a hardware engineer who had an exceptional gift for troubleshooting automotive robots. After serving his company loyally for more than 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem it was having with one of its multimillion-dollar machines.

The company had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work, but to no avail. In desperation, the company called on the retired engineer who had solved so many problems in the past.

He reluctantly took on the challenge. He spent a day studying the intricate and complex machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. It demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark: $1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999.

The bill was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

# Computers and Cars

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

l. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive-but would run on only fifty percent of the roads.

5. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

6. The airbag system would ask "are you sure" before deploying.

7. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

8. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

9. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

# Which Came First?

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.

The doctor said, "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?"

"No," said the rabbi. ''It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world."

"Wait," said the engineer, "The world was created in six days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized, civilized place from utter chaos?"

"Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the lawyer...

# The Math Test

A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test. The engineer went in first and was asked, ''What is 2+2?''

The engineer thought awhile, worked the problem on his slide rule, and finally answered, ''four.''

Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question.

He thought about it for a few moments, did a few quick calculations on a sheet of paper and replied, ''4.0''

Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question.

The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathememitician, ''What do you want it to be?'

# The Efficiency Expert

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. ''You don't want to try these techniques at home.''

''Why not?'' asked someone from the back of the audience. ''I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,'' the expert explained.

''She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'''

The voice from the back asked, ''Did it save time?''

The expert replied, ''Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.''

# Four Smart Dogs

Four men, an engineer, an accountant, a pharmacist and a government worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff."

T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the pharmacist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's compensation and went home on sick leave

# Emergency Navigation

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

# Computer Nerds

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying ''Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!'' He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.

''You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?''

'I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling.''

''Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,'' he says and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

''Why did you do that?''

''Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license.''

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

''What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.

''Well, sure,'' says the patrolman. ''But you can't bait 'em.''

# Engineering Standards

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."

# Bill Gates and St. Peter

Bill Gates dies in a car accident and finds himself in Purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"This is a tough call, Bill;" says St. Peter "I'm not sure where to send you. You helped society enormously by putting computers in homes across the world, but you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'll let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell. I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"OK, let's try Hell."

So Bill went to Hell first. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and frolicking women. The sun was shining; the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is Hell, I really want to see Heaven!"

And off they went to Heaven. Heaven was high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a moment, then rendered his decision. "I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"As you wish," St. Peter replied. So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter dropped in on the late billionaire to see how he was faring in Hell. When he arrived, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's it going?" he asked Bill.

His voice filled with anguish and disappointment, Bill screamed, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! What happened to that other place-with the perfect beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter said. "That was only a demo."

# Flight Control Software

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

# Blind Golfers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing away ahead of them.

Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

Doctor: "I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

Priest: "Hey, here comes the marshal. Let's have a word with him."

Priest: "Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"

George: "Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge."

Doctor: "Wow! Thanks for the scoop, George."

Priest: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

After a short pause ...

Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"

# Brake Failure

There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.

The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.

Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.

They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

# Programmer's Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

# Hot Air Balloon

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

# Four Engineers and a Car

Once there were four engineers traveling in a car. While they were traveling to their destination the car stalled on them.

Then the first engineer who was a mechanical engineer said, "don't worry its probably engine problems. I will just pop open the hood and take a look at the motor".

Then the second engineer, who was an electrical engineer, said, "no, no, no. It is an electrical problem. Just let me look at the fuse box and I will find the problem".

The third engineer, who was a chemical engineer, said, "its just a problem with the fuel. Flush out all of the gas and replace it with new gas and you will see that the car will be fine."

Then the three engineers looked at the fourth who was a computer engineer. And his response was... "Why don't we just get out of the car, shut all of the doors, and then open them again and get back in and start it!"

# Grateful Engineer

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.

"Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."

The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."

"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."

The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?" the Engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."

# The Church Steeple

A lawyer, an engineer, and a minister were given the task of finding the height of a church steeple (the first to get the correct solution wins a $1000).

The lawyer tried to remember some of the math he had learned in undergraduate school, but resorted to climbing the steeple and lowering a string on a plumb bob until it touched the ground and then climbed down and measured the length of the string.

The engineer layed out a reference line, measured the angle to the top of the steeple from both ends and worked out the height by trigonometry.

However, the minister won the prize. He bought the vicar a beer in the local pub and asked him how high the church steeple was.

# Chicken Launcher

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. A group of British engineers were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing for a new British bullet train.

The British engineers borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the train's windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British engineers were stunned and asked the FAA engineers to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA engineers reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Next time use a thawed chicken rather than a frozen one."

# The Red Rubber Ball

A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

# Insurance Proceeds

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned was burned. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That is quite a coincidence," said the engineer, "I am here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused and asked, "how do you start a flood?"

# Condoms Sold and Fitted

One day an engineer is going into a new grocery shop on the outskirts of town. When just inside, he sees a sign which says:

"CONDOMS: SOLD & FITTED."

He looks around and calls for service. Then, an exceptionally attractive young lady emerges.

"Do you work here?" he asks.

"Yes," she replied.

"And is the statement on the sign over there true?" The lady leans over the counter and says seductively, "Yes."

"Tell me," he asks, "who fits them?"

"I do," said the lady.

"Well," said the engineer, "would you please wash your hands and give me a pound of tomatoes?"

# Chapter 3

# Farm & Rural Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a traveling salesman and the farmer's daughter may appear here and in the Sales & Office Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Pig Breeding *

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls the vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.the farmer hangs up and gives it some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take effect, and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around."One more try", he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No", she says, "they are all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

#  Bolivian Rooster

A successful businessman retires and decides to become a gentleman farmer so he buys a small chicken farm. After fixing up the place and painting all the buildings, he gets in his new truck and heads into town. He goes into the local feed and seed store and tells the clerk he wants the most prolific rooster available. The clerk says that there are several good domestic breeds, but if the farmer wants the best it must be imported from Bolivia and is quite expensive. The farmer says that price is no object and he places the order.

A few weeks later the farmer receives a call from the feed and seed store telling him that his rooster has arrived and that he should come into town and pick it up as soon as possible as the rooster is making quite a bit of commotion. The farmer jumps into his truck and heads into town to pick up the rooster. Upon returning to the farm, the farmer uncrates the rooster who immediately starts to work on all of the hens in the hen yard. The farmer smiles and goes into the house.

After a few hours, the farmer goes back into the farm yard and goes up to the Bolivian rooster who is still doing the hens and tells him that he is doing a great job but not to get to exhausted as he does not have to finish the entire flock on the very first day. The rooster thanks the farmer for his concern but indicates that he has been cooped up in the crate for a week and can handle the situation. The farmer shrugs and returns to the house realizing that he paid extra to get a prolific rooster and he certainly got his money's worth.

A while later the chickens have become quiet, but the ducks are raising a ruckus. The farmer goes out to the duck pen and finds out that the Bolivian rooster has finished all the hens and is now getting it on with the ducks. Again the farmer warns the rooster about over-extending himself, but the rooster assures the farmer that he knows his limits and is doing just fine. So the farmer goes back into the house.

A short time later the ducks are quite and the geese are honking up a storm. The farmer goes out to the goose enclosure and finds that the Bolivian rooster has finished the ducks and is now servicing the geese. This time he tells the rooster to knock it off as he has a lot of money invested in him. The rooster is also getting irritated and tells the farmer that this is his specialty and he knows what he is doing and doesn't need any coaching. So the farmer stomps off and goes back to the house.

The next thing that happens is that the geese have quieted down, but the turkeys are in a clamor. The farmer goes to the window and looks out at the barnyard. Sure enough the Bolivian rooster has taken care of the geese and is now in the turkey pen doing the turkeys. Not wanting another confrontation, the farmer just shakes his head and goes back to his easy chair and continues reading the paper.

After a while the turkeys have quieted down and there isn't a sound in the barnyard. The farmer walks to the window and looks out to see what has happened. Sure enough the Bolivian rooster has finished all of the turkeys and is laying on his back in the middle of the turkey pen with his eyes rolled back and his feet sticking straight up and several vultures are circling overhead. The farmer just shakes his head and sadly walks out to the turkey pen.

The farmer leans on the fence and says in a quiet voice, "Poor little fella, I tried to tell you but you just wouldn't listen."

At that point the Bolivian rooster opens one eye, looks at the farmer then up at the vultures, then back at the farmer and quietly says "hush you'll scare them away".

# Not the Cow *

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Two Tickets Please

An old farmer approaches the window of the local movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for two tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!

The girl tells him that he can't take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Once inside the theater he looks for a seat. The only one available is next to two elderly women from the retirement home down the block from the theater.

After about fifteen minures, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the movie. After a couple more minutes Agnes elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this old man over here has just unzipped his pants!"

Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.....you've seen one, you've seen them all."

Agnes says, "I know......but this one's eating my popcorn!"

# The Rooster Race

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. So the new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "ok, old fart, time to retire."

The old rooster replies, "come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens, look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."

The old rooster says, "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

So, they get a chicken to cluck "Go!", and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about five feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Dang it,....third gay rooster I bought this month."

# A Deep Hole

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does...toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait...no noise. "Jeeez. That is really deep...here...throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait....and wait.......Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss that sucker in, it's got to make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen. Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey...you two guys seen my goat out here?

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah," says the farmer, "that couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

# Comparing Notes

Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers from the night before.

"I entertained a cowboy last night", says the first. "How did you know he was a cowboy?", asks the second. "Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together." "Sounds like a cowboy, all right." the others say.

"I entertained a lawyer," announces the second. "I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all he time." They agree he sounded like a lawyer.

"I had a dirt farmer for a client," comments the third. "How could you possibly know he was a dirt farmer?" she is asked. "First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."

# Bucket and Saucer Method *

A young woman is conducting a census survey in the hills of Oklahoma. She comes to a small farm and knocks on the door of the farmhouse. The farmer's wife answers the door and the census taker asks the usual questions about who lives in the house and how they are related.

The census taker then says "This year they have added some new questions, but they are optional and you do not have to answer them if they are to personal."

"Sure go ahead," says the farmer's wife.

"Do you and your husband practice birth control?" asks the census taker.

"Yep, we have to cause we can't afford to feed the kids we have now" says the farmer's wife.

"What method do you use?" inquires the census taker.

"We use the bucket and saucer method," says the farmer's wife.

"I've never heard of that method" says the census taker writing the response on the form, "what is the bucket and saucer method?"

"Well we have sex standing up and since I'm much taller than my husband he has to stand on a bucket" says the farmer's wife.

"How does that stop conception?" asks the census taker "and where does the saucer come in"

"Well when his eyes get the size of saucers I kick the bucket out" says the farmer's wife with a grin.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Faith Healer

Two teenage boys were talking as they were doing their chores on the farm. The first boy asks the second if he has seen the big tent they have put up in the pasture of the adjacent farm.

"Yea," says the second boy "it's for a revival meeting. In fact I went there with my folks and my uncle Jack."

"How was it?" asks the first boy.

"Well it took us a while to get into the tent from where we parked the car, cause my uncle is crippled you know. Then part way through the service the preacher asked if there was anyone who wanted to be cured and my uncle Jack raised his hand, cause he's crippled you know. So after we helped my uncle get up on stage, the preacher laid his hand on my uncle and told him to heal."

"Then what happened?" said the first boy.

"Then," responded the second boy "the most amazing thing happened, my uncle Jack threw one of his crutches away, he's crippled you know."

"Then what happened?" said the first boy.

"Well," said the second boy the preacher got down on his knees and all the people prayed even harder and shouted halallua as loud as they could."

"Then what happened?" said the first boy.

"Then," said the second boy, "my uncle threw his other crutch away."

"Wow then what happened?" said the first boy.

"Then he fell on his ass," said the second boy ", he's crippled you know."

# Spanish Sheepherder

A Spanish sheepherder had grown weary of his lonely life in the hills and decided to go back to his home village and find a bride. The girl he chose was a beautiful young virgin who had just finished school and come of age. After the marriage he took her back to his cabin in the hills and they lived happily with the sheep and the fresh air. She was particularly pleased with the sexual part of their marriage and intrigued with her husband's penis, since she was a very sheltered child and had never seen one before.

"You're very lucky," said her husband "because I am the only man in the world who has one of these. You see because I was such a good man God came to this mountain and rewarded be by giving me a penis."

Then came the harsh cold of Winter and life in the mountains became very difficult, so the sheepherder took his wife back to the village and had her stay with his family until Spring when she returned to the cabin to rejoin her husband. Anxious to resume their interrupted sex life the sheepherder immediately took his wife to bed. But this time she was cold and unresponsive.

"What is the matter?" the sheepherder asks.

"You lied to me," says the wife.

"What do you mean?" responds the sheepherder.

"You told me you were the only man in the world who had a penis," says the wife "and your brother has one too."

Quickly thinking of a way to cover his lie the sheepherder says "Well actually God gave me two and since I only needed one I gave the other one to my brother."

"Then you are very stupid," says the wife "you gave him the best one."

# Home from Camp *

The young marine had just finished boot camp and was home on leave at his parents farm in the bible belt of Iowa. He really stood out with his buzz haircut and his sharply pressed uniform, but even more noticeable was the colorful language he had picked up in the Marine Corps.

That night at dinner he turned to his mother and said "Could you pass the fucking butter?"

At this his mother clasped her hand over her mouth in disbelief, started crying and had to leave the table.

After dinner his father took him outside and had a talk with him. "I know you are all grown up now and that you are exposed to some pretty rough language from your buddies in the service, but this is Iowa and we don't talk like that here, so while you are home you had better clean up your act and not give your mother any more grief."

The next night at dinner, the young marine appologised to his mother for his bad language and said that he would really try and act better around them.

Later in the meal he turned to his mother and said "Pardon me mother, would you please pass the butter?"

Both parents beamed at the improvement.

Then the son grined and said "Thought I was going to fuck up didn't ya?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Tractor

A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car. His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car".

The boy was not too happy, but was understanding. A week later, his second son approached him wanting a new two-wheel bike.

"Well", the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your bike."

Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a tricycle. Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster mating one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hens back mumbling to himself.

His dad asked, "Son, now why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to deserve that."

The third son replied, "Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that damn tractor gets paid off!"

# I Didn't Say It

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said --"Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says -- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

# The Learning Curve

The old farmer had taken a day off from his chores and went fishing on the lake. As he sat in his boat waiting for a bite, he noticed a small frog sitting on a lily pad catching flies, and staring at the fisherman. Finally the frog jumped into the water and started swimming toward the boat.

Just before the frog reached the boat a water snake swam up and started to swallow the small frog. Not wanting to see the frog eaten before his eyes, the fisherman grabbed the snake and released the grateful frog, who immediately swam safely to shore.

Once the frog had escaped to safety, the fisherman started to release the snake, but was now feeling sorry for the snake who had just lost his dinner. As he looked around the boat for something to compensate the snake for his loss, the fisherman noticed his jug of corn whiskey. Poring a generous amount of the corn whiskey into the snakes mouth the farmer then released the snake back into the water and went back to his fishing.

A few minutes later the fisherman was interrupted by a banging on the side of the boat. When he looked over the side he was confronted by the same snake who had returned with two frogs in his mouth.

# Reasonable Precautions *

In the middle of the night the Swedish farmer was awakened by a loud banging on the farmhouse door. It was a young saleswoman who's car had broken down on the snow covered country road in rural Minnesota. The farmer allowed as how he could not get her into town during the storm but could offer her shelter until the storm blew over. The problem was that she either had to stay in the freezing cold barn or in the second bedroom with the farmer's two teenage sons.

Sven and Oly were delighted with the new guest and thought that their hospitality should be rewarded with sex from the pretty young saleswoman. Realizing that she would not get any sleep unless she complied or even worse to irritate the boys and get sent to the barn, she agreed to have sex with the two teenagers. However, she had a stipulation. "You don't want me to have a baby do you?" she asked. The boys agreed and she provided each one with a condom and told them that they should not take them off or she would have a baby.

Several months later the boys are harvesting hay in the hot sun. Sven turned to Oly and said "Remember that woman who stayed with us last Winter?"

"Ya I do," said Oly

"Vel, do you care if she has a baby?", asks Sven

"No, I really don't." says Oly

"Vel then why don't ve take these damn things off!!" says Sven.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Rural First Aid

There were two guys riding down the road on a motorcycle. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that had a broken zipper. He finally stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."

But then he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. They continued driving down the road and came around a bend in the road, lost control and wrecked.

A nearby farmer called the police and reported the accident. The police asked him, "are they showing any sign of life?"

"Well," the farmer said, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!

# Polish Chicken Farm

Some Polish people decide to start a chicken farm. They get some chickens and plant them in the ground, headfirst. When all the chickens die, the farmers are somewhat confused, but they don't give up.

They get some more chickens, but these are planted feet-first. It takes a little longer, but eventually the second batch of chickens die, too.

They decide to write a letter to the Polish agriculture bureau. In the letter they explain in detail the procedures they have followed and their disappointing results.

A few weeks later they receive this reply from the bureau: "Before we can advise you, please send us a soil sample."

# Sheepishly Selfish *

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer going at it with a sheep.

The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody shearing this with no one!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Horse for Sale

An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he sees a sign on his neighbor's fence: "Horse for Sale." Curious, he decides to have a lookat the horse. As he approaches his neighbor's stable, he sees his old Italian friend brushing down a fine looking stallion.

"Hello friend, I saw your sign out there and came over to see your horse that's for sale."

Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but manages to answer well enough. "Yep, yep, disa is da horse for-a sale."

"This horse here?" quizzes the old farmer, "Why he's a fine horse! Why everwould you sell him?"

"Well," sighs the Italian farmer, "He no looka so good anymore."

The old farmer, convinced that his neighbor has lost his mind, quickly buys the horse and leads it across his field over to his own stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back to coax him into the stable, he watches as the horse misses the door completely and smacks head first into the wall.

"That ol' cheat sold me a near blind horse!" growls the old farmer. He then storms across the field, reigns in hand, to give his neighbor a piece of his mind. "You sold me a near blind horse you ol' cheat and you didn't even tell me!" he screams.

"Eh! I tolla you!" cries the Italian farmer, "I say, 'he no looka so good anymore!'"

# Buying a Mare *

The farmer heard a knock on the front door and went to answer it. To his surprise there was a elderly midget with a hair lip.

"What can I do for you?" the farmer asked

"yu haf a mare for sale," said the midget, with a nasal twang.

"Sure do" says the farmer," would you like to see her?"

"Of course I do," retorts the midget, "I'm not going to buy a horse without checking her over."

The farmer takes the midget out to the barn and shows him the mare.

"Can I see her teif?" says the midget.

So the farmer holds the midget up to the horses mouth while the midget checks out the mare's teeth.

"Nice teif," says the midget, "now can I see her bak?"

The farmer is getting a little disgusted but he grudgingly holds the midget up and lets him inspect the horses back.

"Baks OK," says the midget, "now can I see her twat?"

By this time the farmer has lost his cool and he takes the midget and shoves his head up the mare's vagina. After a few seconds, the farmer pulls the midget's head out of the mare and says "Well what do you think?"

The midget shakes the wetness off his head and says "Perhaps I should put it another way -- can I see her gallop?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Bad Response

Those in Minnesota may not know this but Ole was shot. He was up with his 4-wheeler cutting some trees by the Canadian border.

Some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him and, using the loudspeaker, shouted to him "Who are you and what are you doing?"

Ole shouted back "OLE...BIN LOGGIN'!"

# Unusual Circumstances

The old farmer decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning the farmer.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I was headed down the road--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well yes, but there is more to it than that, you see--''

''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.''

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in the farmer's answer and told the lawyer so.

''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I was driving down the highway with my horse in the trailer and my dog in the back of the pickup, when this huge semi-truck and trailer came around the curve passing another truck in a no passing zone. The only thing I could do to avoid a collision was to crash through the guard rail and go down a steep embankment.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. First he came to the overturned trailer and saw my horse with a broken leg. He took out his revolver and shot her in the head. Then he came down the hill a little farther and saw my dog who had been tossed out of the back of the pickup and had a broken back. He again took out his revolver and shot the dog in the head.

Then with his revolver still in his hand he came down to where I was pined under the truck and said "How are you doing?"

# Do Your Chores First

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"

"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"

"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."

The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.

Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"

"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."

Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

# Late for School

A farm kid was late was late for school one day.

"I had to take the bull down to mate with the heifer," he explained to the teacher.

"Couldn't your father have done that?"

"Sure, but the bull would have done a better job."

# Amish Moving Violation

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady.

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around his balls. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.

"He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob.

"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake," said the lady.

# Breaking Her In Right

An Amish couple had just been married and had gone to a hotel for their honeymoon. The Amish man went to the front desk and asked for a room.

He said this occasion was very special to them and they needed a good room.

The clerk asked if he wanted the bridal.

The Amish fellow thought about it a while and then replied, 'No, I guess not, I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

# Busload of Politicans

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

# Rush Linbaugh's chauffeur

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, " told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

# Special Circumstances

It was nearly midnight when Bob and Barbara pulled into the small Iowa farm town and found a motel with a vacancy. As they were checking in, Bob mentioned to the night clerk that they had passed a McDonalds restaurant on the way into town and there were at least thirty tractors in the parking lot.

"We're form the west coast, and not familiar with this part of the country, but isn't that a little strange, even for Iowa," asks Bob.

"Not given the circumstances," says the night clerk.

"What circumstances are those" says Betty.

"Well normally they'd only be bout five or six tractors there at one time, but this is prom night."

# Really Supernatural

A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start," says the professor, "Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever had sex with a ghost?" asks the professor.

One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have had sex with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!?" Dang, I thought you said 'goats.'

# The Farmer's Daughters

There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck --" and the farmer shot him.

# Breakfast on the Farm

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

# Who is That Man? **

A Farmer wakes up when he hears some strange sounds in the barnyard. He gets dressed and goes outside to find a man screwing one of his sheep and a little boy watching.

He walks up to the boy and says ''Who's that screwing my sheep?''

The boy replies, ''That's my Daaaaaaaad."

_** Risque_

# Cross-eyed Cow *

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy.

About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try.

The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.

"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that you had put your lips on."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Farm Football *

A travelling salesman was out in the country one evening and wasn't sure how to get back to the main highway. He came upon a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

"Sure," said the farmer. "I've got some beans and cornbread on the stove, but I've only got one bed, so you'll have to sleep with me."

The salesman was very grateful. So they had dinner and went to bed early. The salesman was used to keeping late hours and couldn't get to sleep. His tossing and turning was keeping the farmer awake so the farmer finally suggested they play football. The salesman didn't understand.

"Here's how it works," said the farmer. "Everytime you fart, it's a touchdown." The salesman thought it sounded fun, and they started playing. The salesman took an immediate lead, with the farmer struggling to squeeze even one out. Finally he felt one coming on and he strained and grunted and strained and grunted...and let a big wet one rip all over his side of the bed.

"What'll we do now?" exclaimed the salesman.

"Halftime. Switch sides."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Beware of Dog

Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

The owner responded, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

# City Slickers

The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing.

The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.

Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him - he sauntered in.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

# A Special Pig

A traveler was driving through Arkansas when he lost his way and got of the main highway.

As he drove by, he saw rows and rows of pigsties and pigpens and pigs running in fields and pigs wallowing in mud. Suddenly, his eye caught something really strange. He did a double take, muttered to himself and then looked a third time. He wondered if he had seen correctly - it looked like a!

He found the lane to the farm and drove up into the farmyard, where he was met by the farmer. "Excuse me," the traveler said. "I was just driving by and looking at all your pigs, and I noticed something that I just had to stop and ask about. Tell me, did I see right? Is there really a pig out there with a wooden leg?"

The farmer smiled. "Oh, that would be old Caesar you saw. He's the finest pig a man could ever hope to have - and smart! Well, let me tell you a little about that pig. You see that barge down there on the river? That's a mining dredge, taking out platinum ore. Old Caesar sniffed out the vein and showed us how to set it up. Now that dredge brings me in about $120,000 every year.

"There's another thing, too, a little more personal. One night a couple of years ago I got to drinking and I guess I had more than I should have. I passed out drunk, fell down and knocked over a lamp. That started a fire in the house and old Caesar smelled the smoke. He came in the back door, got the wife and kid out, roused me up and got me out.

There is no question about it - that night old Caesar saved all our lives and you know that is not the sort of thing a man is going to forget too easily."

"Why," the traveler said, "this is all amazing! I have never heard of a pig like this before! This is fantastic! But tell me, how did he get that wooden leg? Was he in a wreck or something?"

The farmer laughed and said, "Well, naturally, when you have a pig that smart, you don't want to eat him all at one time!"

# Feeding the Pigs

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.

The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

# Wild Ride

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

# Dangerous City Streets

A elderly farmer retires, sells his farm and moves to the city. As he is walking a few blocks from his new apartment a car pulls to the side of the street and two young guys jump out and beat him up. A patrol car is cruising the neighborhood and sees him injured on the sidewalk and asks him what happened

"I was just walking down the street minding my own business when two young guys jumped out of a car and beat me up - I don't understand, says the old farmer.

"Well you have a red shirt on, so I'll bet it was the Crips," says the cop, "You shouldn't wear red here in the city."

The next day the cop finds the same old farmer on the sidewalk a few blocks away and he again has been beat up.

"It was the same thing all over again. only these young guys were not the same as the one's who beat me up yesterday, and I am not wearing any red," bemoans the farmer.

"Well today you have a blue shirt on and it was probably the Bloods who beat you up. You can't wear blue in the city either," says the cop.

The next day the cop drives through the same neighborhood and finds the old farmer once more lying beside the street and apparently beat up again.

Before the cop can say a word the old farmer says, "What kind of a city do you have here? I didn't wear red, I didn't wear blue and I still got beat up for no reason at all."

The cop looked at the old farmer, who was wearing a yellow knit sport shirt with plaid pants, and asked him what happened this time.

"Well this time a golf cart pulled up two elderly golfers jumped out and started beating me up with five irons."

# Paint the Porch

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

# Chicken Little

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

# The Farmer's Divorce

A redneck farmer from Alabama walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

# Exaggerated Report

The sheriff of a a rural county in Arkansas was going over the reports that had been filed that day so he could assign the work to the deputies. One theft report stated that a Mr. Clyde Smith on Mill Road had 2,025 pigs stolen over the weekend.

The sheriff turned to his sergeant and said this has to be old Clyde up on the ridge, but he only has ten acres and couldn't have lost that many pigs. Who took this report anyway?"

"Ethel Wilson," says the sergeant, "she's the new dispatcher we just hired last week. I think she came from New York."

"Well that explains it," says the sheriff as he crossed out the previous entry and entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

# Cold Buggy Ride *

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way into a woman's home in a rural area.

"This machine is the best ever" he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt over the lounge floor.

The woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman says, "If this machine doesn't remove all the dust completely, I'll lick it off myself."

"Do you want ketchup on it?" she says, "we're not connected for electricity yet!"

# Meal Schedule

A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.

"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.

"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city

# I Killed Your Rooster

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car followed by a large cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, and rang the door bell. A farmer appeared.

The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him".

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

# Sheep Shagging Research **

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.

"So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.

"So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny.

"So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

"Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?"

"What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"

_** Risque_

# A Boy and His Duck *

A father and son live on a farm. One day the father says, "Son, things haven't been going very well and I'm afraid we'll have to sell your duck. I'm really sorry, but we need the money. I want you to take the duck to town and bring back the money."

So the son takes the duck and sets off down the road. Halfway to town he runs into a hooker. She says, "Hey kid, I could show you a really good time if you're interested."

He replies, "I'd sure like to, but all I have to pay with is this duck."

"Well," she says, "maybe we can work something out."

So they go off into the bushes and the branches are snapping and feathers flying.....

When they come out, she is breathless and says, "Wow! That was incredible! Not bad for a kid. Tell you what, if you can do that again, I'll give you back your duck."

As you might guess, he's all for that idea. So they return to the bushes and get it on again. When they are done she is still amazed at his abilities.

She says to him, "I've got this friend who's husband is a real loser. He hasn't even been able to get it up in years, let alone satisfy her when he could. I'm gonna send you to her. Just let me call ahead."

She calls her friend and tells her, "You won't believe this kid I'm gonna send over to you. He is the best I've had in years. He's just what you need."

What none of them know is that the woman's husband is listening in on the other phone. The kid sets off for the woman's house and the husband meets him on the road and says, "Look boy, I'll give you a dollar if you just turn around now and forget all about my wife."

Not being the brightest kid, he agrees and turns back for home.

His father see's him coming back down the road and the duck is still under his arm. He knows his boy is dumb, but the instructions were easy!! He says, "Son, what the hell happened? I told you to go to town and sell the duck!!"

"Dad," he says, "You wouldn't believe the day I've had! First, I got a fuck for the duck, then I got the duck for a fuck then I got a buck to duck a fuck and I still have the fucking duck!!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Patent a Peach ***

A farmer goes to the patent office to patent a peach, and the patent officer says- "you can't patent a peach, the peach has already been patented!"

And the farmer says, "Oh no. Not THIS kind of peach. Go ahead, try it!" So the patent officer takes a bite, and then- "oh, wow! This is so good! It tastes like- blackberry pie!"

And the farmer says "Yeah, and Do you like vanilla ice cream? Well then you gotta flip it over & try the other side".

So the patent officer does and says "Man! that really does taste like vanilla ice cream! I can't believe it!"

So then the farmer looks around a bit and lowers his voice almost to a whisper, and says: "Psst! Have you ever tasted pussy?" "Oh yeah, I've eaten plenty of pussy!" "And you like it, right?" "Yeah I LOVE the taste of pussy" says the patent officer, starting to get excited.

The farmer says, "OK, then take a bite, right there" So the patent officer takes this HUGE bite, and then his eyes widen & he spits it out all over the place.

"Oh, Yuck! That tasted like SHIT!" & the farmer says "shoot,... I'm sorry- flip it over & try the other side!"

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# A Rural Robery

A farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything.

A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, "We're ruined, all the money's gone and there's no flour for bread!"

His daughter says, "No, papa, I hid the money in my you-know-what."

The farmer said, "You're a good girl, but if your mamma was here - she could have saved the sack of flour as well!"

# Flat Farm Cat

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and *splat!*... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.

When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."

"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?"

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said... "He looks like thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

"Oh no, you horrible man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?"

The man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"

# Elite Chicken Farmer **

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.and then asks. "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?".

"Well," says the call girl, "I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."

_** Risque_

# Any Questions?

The farmers of a commune are gathered together by some officials for an announcement. The government spokesman steps up and announces that production is up, tractors are being manufactured in record quantities and the economy is wonderful. He then asks if there are any questions.

A farmer named Perchek raises his hand. "Yes, Comrade, a question. If everything is so wonderful, why are we hungry, ill-housed and ill-clothed? "

"An excellent question" comes the reply. "I will ask it to my superiors and return to you with an answer. "

Three months later, the farmers are once again gathered and the same type of news is announced. The spokesman again asks if there are questions.

"Yes," says one farmer. "Where is Perchek?"

# Weighing a Pig **

So this guy wants to have a luau. He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a pig farm. He asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig.

The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds. He puts the pig down, and says, "Nope, not quite twenty pounds."

He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile, and declares, "This one's twenty pounds!" He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone, "You can't weigh a pig like that!"

"Sure I can," said the farmer, "Watch this." He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, "This one weighs twenty pounds."

The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so that she can weigh the pig.

After five minutes, the boy returned alone. "She can't come out just yet," the boy said. "She's weighing the mailman."

_** Risque_

# Dangerous Mule

Deep in the Tennessee hills, a farmer's mule kicked his mother-in-law to death. An enormous crowd of men turned out for the funeral. The minister, examining the crowd outside the church, commented to a farmer friend, "This old lady must have been mighty popular. Just look how many people left their work to come to her funeral."

"They're not here for the funeral," snickered the friend. "They're here to buy the mule."

# The Tractor Salesman

"I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend.

"That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters.

I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."

# The Ski Trip

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

# Killed Your Calf

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.

The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher.

"But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It is post-dated six years from now."

# Donkey Raffle

Kenny, a city boy, moved to the country and purchased a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.

The next morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well, just return my money to me," Kenny said.

"Sorry, can't do that," said the farmer. "I already spent it."

"OK then, just unload the donkey," said Kenny.

"Whatcha gonna do with him?" asked the farmer.

"I'm going to raffle him off," Kenny replied.

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer exclaimed.

"Of course I can," replied Kenny. "Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A few weeks later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "So, what happened with the dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00," explained Kenny.

"Didn't anyone complain?" inquired the farmer.

"Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back," Kenny proudly replied. 

# Farmer and the Lady

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there".

The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The young lady said, "Easy silly! Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the friggen chickens!" 

# Faulty Farm Phone

An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring...which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

# Carnation Milk *

A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...." She said, "I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this!"

She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it...." Here is her entry:

Carnation milk is best of all,

No tits to pull, no hay to haul.

No buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,

Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# John Dunn

A farm boy goes into a small Midwest town to buy some new clothes. The clerk asks him why he is buying all the fancy new clothes.

"I'm going to New York," says the teenager," Ive just graduated from high school and I'm going to the big city to look for a job."

"That's great," says the clerk, "I have a son in New York, could you give him a message for me?"

"Sure," says the teenager, "what's his name?"

"John Dunn," says the Clerk.

So the teenager goes to New York and true to his word he asks a businessman on the subway where he can find John Dunn.

"The only Dunn I know is the Dunn & Bradstreet brokerage firm, "says the businessman, "it's on Wall Street two stops from here on the subway.

So the teenager get's off the subway finds the Dunn & Bradstreet building, walks up to the receptionist and says: "Do you have a John here?"

The receptionist thinks he wants a men's room and tells him to go down the hall and take the third door to his right. The teenager walks into the restroom just as a guy is leaving one of the toilet stalls.

"Are you Dunn?" asks the teenager.

"Yea, I'm done," says the guy.

"Give your mother a call," says the teenager.

# Sheep Fries

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with his farm, especially the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females.

He hired a Frenchman who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the severed "parts" when the sheep farmer yelled, "No -- Don't throw those away -- My wife fries them up and we eat them ... they're delicious, and we call them 'sheep fries'."

Later that day, the French hired-hand came in for supper and, indeed, he thought that the "sheep fries" were very tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and that evening they all settled down to another supper of "sheep fries".

On the third day, however, when the sheep farmer came in for supper, he asked his wife where the French hired-hand was.

"You know, it's the weirdest thing," she said. "I told him that since there weren't that many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have french fries ... and he ran like his ass was on fire!"

# Relatively Speaking

A farmer and his wife drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

# Horny Old Drunks

Two old drunks were sitting at a rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life. The first drunk looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a fence, with its butt facing the tavern. He smiles and says "I sure wish that sheep were Marilyn Monroe. "

"Hell,"the second drunk says, "I just wish it were dark."

# Chapter 4

# Fireman & Paramedic Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a fireman and his wife may appear here and in the Marriage & Relationship Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Fighting the Fire

Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop...suddenly the Town's Fire Alarm went off ... one jumped up and headed for the door ... his friend shouted, "Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were a fireman!"

Tom replied, "I'm not, but my girlfriend's husband is..."

# Sex by the Numbers

A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the firehouse. Bell #1 rings, and we all put our jackets on. Bell #2 rings, and we all slide down the pole. Bell #3 rings, and we are on the truck and ready to go!"

"So," he continues, "From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell #1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell #2, I want you to jump into bed and when I say Bell #3, we're going to make love all night!" The wife is agreeable with this arrangement.

The next night, he came home from work and yelled,

"Bell #1!".... The wife took off all her clothes.

"Bell #2!".....The wife jumped into bed.

"Bell #3!".... They began passionate loving...

After two minutes, the wife yelled, "Bell #4!".....

The husband asked "What the hell is Bell #4?"

"More hose," she replied, "your're nowhere near the fire!"

# My House is on Fire

A blonde called the fire department. She screams into the phone.

"Hurry, Come Quick! My house is on fire."

The fire chief replied, "OK, but how do we get to your house?"

The blonde said, "Duh, Red Truck!"

# Early Release

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at two in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

# Blind Golfers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing away ahead of them.

Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

Doctor: "I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

Priest: "Hey, here comes the marshal. Let's have a word with him."

Priest: "Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"

George: "Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge."

Doctor: "Wow! Thanks for the scoop, George."

Priest: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

After a short pause ...

Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"

# Elderly Fire Fighters

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.

After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"

# Exciting Experiences *

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, firetrucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms. The other gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.

The third guy started, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused.

The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"

The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Emergency Medical Call

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill blonde appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.

The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get the paramedics to respond?"

The lady replied,"My phone doesn't have an eleven!"

# Your Order is Ready

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of the child's expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, maybe I can figure it out."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead paramedic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read:"Four orders of spaghetti - two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

# Bear in the Tree *

A man calls the Fire Department, because there is a huge black bear in the tree in his front yard, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely.

Soon, a ladder truck pulls up, and a fireman gets out. The fireman has a large dalmation dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

''Okay, here's what we do. I'm going climb up in the tree, and hit the bear with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, the dalmation will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated. Then we'll tie him up, load him into the truck and take him back to the forest.''

''Great,'' says the man. ''But what's the gun for?''

''If I fall down first - shoot the dog."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Canada's Worst Air Disaster

Regular programming was interrupted by a news flash. In a very solemn voice the news commentator announced:

"Canada's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland. Newfie firemen and paramedics have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening."

# Dixie Christmas

A New Yorker was driving through a small Southern town at Christmas time. In addition to a large Christmas tree in the center of the town square, there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature really stood out in the display. The three wise men were each wearing a firemen's helmet.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, the New Yorker thought he would have to stop and inquire. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at him, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

The New Yorker assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage.

Sticking it in his face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

# Rednecks to the Rescue *

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone.

Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. They know that there is not enough time to call the paramedics, so they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.

The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right,that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Gay Firefighters ***

Two firefighters are buttfucking in a smoke filled room.

The fire chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on in here?!"

The Firefighter says "well sir, this man has got smoke inhalation."

The Chief says "why didn''t you give him mouth to mouth"

The Firefighter says "How do you think this shit got started?

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Not as Nice as Texas

Bob was a typical southern god old boy and very proud of his home state of Texas, where he lived his entire life. When he died and arrived in Heaven, St. Peter gave him the deluxe tour.

Behind the first door was a beautiful tropical beach. Bob poked his head in to look, but quickly announced that Galveston had nicer beaches.

Behind the second door was the most mind-boggling amusement park ever imagined. But Bob said he was sure that Dallas had more impressive parks.

After a dozen more such responses, an annoyed St. Peter pulled him to the edge of a nearby cliff and shouted, "You see that enormous lake of fire down there? That's Hell, have you got anything like that in Texas?"

"Nope," Bob replies, "But I do know a guy in Houston who can put it out."

# Girls Night Out **

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing, said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said, "From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You."

_** Risque_

# The Little Fireman

A fireman looked out of the fire house window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had his little red wagon, and he had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had.

As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to try to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster."

"Maybe so," said the little boy, "But then I'd lose my siren!"

# Help Us

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.

"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.

"Help us, help us!" yells the other.

"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.

"Good idea," said the other.

"Together, together!"

# Chapter 5

# Fishing & Camping Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a boy scout on a camping trip may appear here and in the Kid & School Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Great Fishing Spot

Well then, there were these two blondes who went fishing. They were out in the middle of the lake and catching fish like crazy. Pretty soon the boat was full of fish. One of the blondes said, "Wow! We need to mark this spot so we can come back here some other time!"

The other blonde dug into her purse and pulled out a big red crayon and marked a big "X" on the side of the boat. The first blonde shouted, "You dummy! That won't work! What if next time we don't get the same boat?"

# The Learning Curve

The old farmer had taken a day off from his chores and went fishing on the lake. As he sat in his boat waiting for a bite, he noticed a small frog sitting on a lily pad catching flies, and staring at the fisherman. Finally the frog jumped into the water and started swimming toward the boat.

Just before the frog reached the boat a water snake swam up and started to swallow the small frog. Not wanting to see the frog eaten before his eyes, the fisherman grabbed the snake and released the grateful frog, who immediately swam safely to shore.

Once the frog had escaped to safety, the fisherman started to release the snake, but was now feeling sorry for the snake who had just lost his dinner. As he looked around the boat for something to compensate the snake for his loss, the fisherman noticed his jug of corn whiskey. Poring a generous amount of the corn whiskey into the snakes mouth the farmer then released the snake back into the water and went back to his fishing.

A few minutes later the fisherman was interrupted by a banging on the side of the boat. When he looked over the side he was confronted by the same snake who had returned with two frogs in his mouth.

# Fishing Gear

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A sales clerk is standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with Zebco 404 reel And 10-pound test line...It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter; I'll take it."

The woman opens her purse and sees her credit card holder drop on the floor. As she bends down to pick it up she accidentally passes gas. At first she is really embarrassed, but then concludes there is no way he could tell it was her that farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The sales clerk rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 plus tax."

Thewoman is totally confused by this and says, "Didn't you tell me it was on special for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies,"Yes Ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00; but the duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50.

# The Fishing Trip

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"

"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

# Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend Watson.

"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see," says Holmes.

'I see millions and millions of stars," Watson replied.

"What does that tell you?" says Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute and then replies: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some bastard has stolen our tent."

# Just Reading a Book

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up North. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along came the sheriff in his boat, pulled up alongside and said, Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replied as she thought to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"But Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that I will charge you with rape,"snapped the irate woman.

"I didn't even touch you," growled the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true...but you have all the equipment...."

# The Toughest Cowboy

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys and cops are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

# Camping Adventures ***

Bill and Willie were camping in the mountains. They had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the Bill says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

Willie agrees and hikes south. Bill hikes north. That night over dinner, Bill tells his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

Willie says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" Bill exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says Willie over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# The Camping Nightmare ***

Walt and Gus are eating lunch together at work. They get to talking about how they would react to various situations.

Gus then says "let me ask you a hypothetical question."

"Okay", says Walt.

"Let's say you went camping with a friend and had a little too much to drink and then passed out. When you woke up in the morning you were sore all over, had scratches on the palms of your hands and a condom hanging out of your ass. Would you tell the people at work about it?" Gus asks.

Walt thinks about it for a second and then says, "No, I don't think so."

Gus then smiles and says, "How'd you like to go camping sometime?"

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Ice Fishing Tip

Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long, ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secrect is.

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."

"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you."

The successful man spits something into his hand, and says: "You've got to keep your worms warm."

# Fishing Competition

There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back.

"A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"

# Walk of Faith

Three clergymen, a Catholic Priest, a Methodistt Minister, and a Jewish Rabbi, were sitting in a boat, fishing.

"I'm thirsty," said the priest. "I'm gonna go get myself some Irish whiskey." So he got out of the boat, walked across the water, and came back with his whiskey.

"Ooh, I'm thirsty too and feel like a cold beer," said the minister as he got out of the boat. He walked across the water, got a six pack of beer, and came back.

The rabbi has been watching this in amazement, but doesn't want to act overly impressed nor be outdone by his counterparts. He figures his faith is as strong as their's, so he says "I think I'll get a bottle of Mogan David wine." He steps out of the boat and sinks like a rock.

The priest grins at the minister and wispers, "Do you think we should tell him where the rocks are?"

# Hungry Alligators

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin,'" the beachcomber said.

"Wow," said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

# Eating an Eagle

A man is caught by a forest ranger, sitting at a makeshift campfire eating a bald eagle. The man is consequently jailed for the crime. Here's what happens at the trial:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes, I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

Judge: "Proceed."

Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a bald eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the eagle I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle which had landed on a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I'd killed it, I might as well eat it, since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground. And that, you honor, was when the good ranger found me."

Judge: "The court will recess while we consider your testimony."

Fifteen minutes later...

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."

The judge then leans over the bench and whispers, "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe is it's somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

# The Union Worker

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."

# Bear Warning for Campers

The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the national forests for this summer. They're urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray.

Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, and they should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear dung and Grizzy Bear dung.

Black Bear dung is rather small and round. Sometimes you can see fruit seeds and/or squirrel fur in it.

Grizzly Bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray! 

# The Fishing License

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

# Fishing on His Honeymoon **

A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.

He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.

"I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife."

"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."

"Well, what about anal sex?"

"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."

"There is always oral sex."

"Nope, she has pyorrhea."

"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?"

"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"

_** Risque_

# Redneck Fishing Trip

Two rednecks from Alabama go in partners on a loto ticket and end up winning a million dollars. Since they are now rich, they are going crazy trying to figure out how to spend their new found wealth. They finally decide to go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the rednecks catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One redneck turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other redneck says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

# Fishing and Sex

When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

You can catch a fish on a 5-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

# The Camping Trip

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.

Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.

They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.

About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."

Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."

# Hybrid Fish

The Minnesota Fish and Game Comission wanted to develop a fish that would offer more for their sportsmen so they crossed a Coho with a Walleye and called it a Kowal.

It grew to a nice size and reproduced well but it wouldn't bite. They crossed the Kowal with a Muskie and called it a Kowalski but it was so stupid they had to teach it how to swim.

# Moron Fishermen

Two morons, Tom and Jack, were sitting in a bar one day, when two fishermen walked in with 2 huge trout, one of the morons asked where the guys got the fish, and the fishermen told the morons that they go down to the bridge, one guy would hold the other by the ankles until a fish was caught.

The morons figured that they could to that.

After holding Tom for about 20 minutes, Jack asked Tom if he had anything, and the reply was "no." About 20 more minutes passes, so Jack asked again, and again the reply was "no." Finally, Tom yelled "Pull me up!! Pull me up!!" Jack exclaimed "Ya got one?" Tom said, "No! a train is coming!!"

# Sporting Goods Salesman

The general manager of a large department store wandered into the sporting goods department to observe a new salesman he had hired the previous week. When he arrived the salesman was busy with a customer, so the general manager stood back and observed the transaction.

"You'll be amazed at the fish you can catch on this lure," says the salesman, " and it works well with ten pound test line. You do have ten pound test line don't you?"

"Well no," says the customer.

Going over an picking up some line, the salesman says "This line really glides off your casting reel -- you do have a casting reel don't you?

"No I don't," says the customer.

So the salesman gets a casting reel and says, "This reel is our best and it easily attaches to your casting rod's quick connect -- you do have a casting rod don't you?

"I don't have that either," says the customer.

The salesman picks out an expensive casting rod and says " one great feature of this rod is that it works well with the rod holder on your boat -- you do have a rod holder don't you?

"Nope," says the customer.

The salesman gets the rod holder and says "This will mount to almost any boat. What kind of a boat do you have?

"I don't have a boat," says the customer.

So the salesman proceeds to sell him a fishing boat, and outboard motor, a boat trailer, and a trailer hitch for his car. The man then loads up all his stuff and his bill comes to $3,800 dollars. He thanks the salesman and drives away with all his new loot.

The store general manager is flabbergasted. "That is the best sales job I have ever seen," says the general manager. "A guy comes in for a fishing lure and you sell him almost four grand worth of merchandise."

"Oh he didn't come in to buy a fishing lure," says the salesman, " he asked me where in the store he should go to buy tampons for his wife and I said that, since she would be out of commission for a few days, he may just as well go fishing."

# Pet Fish

A camper was stopped by a game warden in Northern California as he was returning to his campsite with a bucket full of still-alive fish.

"Do you have a license to catch those fish," the game warden asked.

"No sir. These are my pet fish," the camper replied.

"Pet fish?" the game warden asked.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake where I'm camped and let them swim around for awhile. When they hear my whistle, they jump right back into the bucket and I take them back to the camp."

"That's a bunch of baloney," the game warden said as he reached for his pad of citations.

The camper looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "If you don't believe me, then follow me back to the lake to see how it works.."

Still suspicious, but curious, the game warden agreed. And so they walked to the lake. There, the camper poured the fish into the lake, where they disappeared into the water.

"OK", said the game warden,"Call them back."

"Call who back?"

"The fish," replied the game warden.

"What fish"? Asked the camper.

# No Fishing License

Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.

A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses."

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line.

"Well, I know of no law against it," said the warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.

As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.

"What a dumb cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!" 

# Chapter 6

# Funeral & Cemetery Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a Jewish funeral may appear here and in the Nationality & Ethnic Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Cold and Lonely

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he needs to take a leak, so he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in.

There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"

At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar to take a leak, and hears the noise.

He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you idiot, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"

# Jewish Funeral

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, her son-in-law cries out, "Watch out for the wall!

# A Great Seat

Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat ten rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No." Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"

The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"That's really sad," said Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

# Exciting Experiences *

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, firetrucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms. The other gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.

The third guy started, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused.

The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"

The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# A Fitting Eulogy

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried again and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally croaked. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply." In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked..."Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The other mourner then replied..."I think he means her legs!"

# Working Late

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

# Comfortable Dentures

Harry is at a banquet and keeps complaining that his new false teeth are hurting him. The guy sitting to his left reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of dentures. He hands them to Harry and says, "Try these."

Harry tries them, and says, "Thanks anyway, but they're too tight."

The guy pulls out another set and hands them to Harry. They fit perfectly, so Harry wears them for the entire night.

At the end of the banquet, Harry hands them back to the guy and says, "They fit me perfectly. Are you a dentist?"

The guy says, "No, I'm an undertaker."

# Whiskey on my Grave

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.

Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.

"Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"

Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."

Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.

"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.

''It's a very 'old' bottle now, you know," urged Pat.

"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.

"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"

# Now That's Respect

Two strangers were playing golf together. As the older player was starting to putt, he noticed a funeral procession passing the golf course. At that point he faced the procession, took off his hat, bowed his head, and stood silently until the procession had passed.

"That's very respectful," said the younger golfer "I'm very impressed."

"Well it's the least I could do," responded the older golfer "we were married for forty-six years."

# Dying for Some Lefse

Ole was on his death bed. But before he died, he wanted to have one last taste of lefse (potato crepe).

Even as weak as he was, he was able to crawl out of bed and go down the stairs to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes of agonizing pain he reached the kitchen. Opening the refrigerator door he slowly reached for the lefse.

He was just about to grab it when suddenly a hand came out from nowhere, slapped his hand, and a voice boomed out, "Ole, that's for the Funeral!

# Trustworthy Professionals

A dying man gathered his lawyer, doctor and clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the wake, the lawyer and doctor and cergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.

By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.

The doctor, moved by the gentle clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.

# Memorial Stone

A elderly Jewish woman's husband dies and she has only $25,000 to her name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left. The friend says, "How can that be?

You told me you still had $35,000 left just a few days before your husband died.

How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $5,000.

The rest went for the memorial stone.

The friend says, "$25,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."

# Famous Last Words

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies,"I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

# The Wrong Suit *

The widow takes a look at her dear departed husband right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's dressed in a cheap brown suit with a yellow tie. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in the expensive grey pin-striped suit and red silk tie; she'd brought especially for that occasion.

"I'm terribly sorry ma'am, the mortician explained " There were two gentlemen being prepared for their funerals at the same time and we must have gotten the suits mixed up, since both men were about the same size. Unfortionately there is not time to change the suits before the service and he looks just fine in the brown suit."

"He looks terrible in brown," screamed the wife, "and I paid a great deal of money to get the grey pin-striped suit. Furthermore, if you don't get him in the right suit and get it done before the service, I will let everyone in town know how incompetent you are."

Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back a few moments later. Miraculously, the corpse was now dressed in the expensive grey pin-striped suit with the red tie.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into the right suit and tie so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. All we had to do was switch heads!

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Construction Workers

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Polack were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of the building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off of this building".

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed."Burritos again! if I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The Polack opened his lunch and said,"Polish Sausage again. If I get Polish sausage one more time I'm jumping as well."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.

The Mexican opens his lunch box, sees a burrito and jumps too.

The Polack opens his lunch, sees the Polish sausage and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says,"if I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says,"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.

Everyone turned and stared at the Polack's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said." He made his own lunch."

# The English Patient

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU IDIOT -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!

# Old Pecan Tree

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery.

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. . ."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last "one for you, one for me." That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

# Can You Say Oxymoron?

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

# Canada's Worst Air Disaster

Regular programming was interrupted by a news flash. In a very solemn voice the news commentator announced:

"Canada's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland. Newfie firemen and paramedics have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening."

# I'm Coming Back

A couple had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night, there would be screams and shouts from their house.

The old man often screamed these words at her in public, "I'm sick and tired of you! When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you!"

The old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances in the neighborhood of cats, dogs and people were blamed on him.

At the age of 80 the old guy died, and his wife put him in a casket. Later that night, she went to a bar and partied as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor asked her, "Aren't you scared that the old guy will dig himself up and haunt you?"

The old lady calmly replied, "Eh, let him keep digging. I had them put the casket in the ground upside down."

# Assertive Husband

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself, "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you are the boss."

Of course, the husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and after you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong. And another thing ... you know who's going to comb my hair, adjust my pants, and then tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," says his wife calmly. "The undertaker."

# Gay Cremations ***

Three gay men died, and were cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, ''My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky.''

The second man said, ''My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.''

The third man said, ''My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.''

*** May not be suitable for mixed company

# May It Rest in Peace *

Mr. Smith was an old man in the nursing home. Getting a bit senile, he went to the head nurse and informed her that his penis had died. Realizing Mr. Smith was getting on in years, she decided to play along. She replied, "It did? I'm sorry to hear that."

Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls with his penis hanging outside his pants. The head nurse went over to cover him up and escort him back to his room.

She said, "Mr. Smith, I thought you told me your penis died..."

It did," he replied, "today is the viewing."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

# Poor Old Bubba *

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Now Smile

Three corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama, and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.

"This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning 20 million on the lottery."

He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. "This is Bo," the coroner says with a grin. "He died having sex with Trudy-May."

Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. "This is Roscoe," says the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning."

"Well," asks the detective, "Why in hell was the fool smiling?"

"Oh," says the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken."

# An Expensive Funeral

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man.

I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"

# Very Old Grave

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."

# Final Arrangements

An elderly jewish woman in Brooklyn decided to meet with her rabbi and the funeral director who had taken care of her husband's funeral a few years earlier.

I have decided that rather than being burried beside my late husband Saul, I would like to be creamated.

"Very good," said the funeral director, "what would you like done with your ashes?"

"I would like my ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales," said the woman..

"Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi.

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

# Dearly Departed

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

# Stateside Burial

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back, that's what I want to do."

The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price".

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance!"

# Deadly Cough

A funeral procession is going up a steep hill on main street when the door of the hearst flys open and the coffin falls out then speeds down main street into a pharmacy and crashes into the counter. The lids pops open and the deceased says to the astonished pharmacist, "You got anything to stop this coffin ?"

# Anniversary Gifts

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary.

The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: HERE LIES MY WIFE - COLD AS EVER.

Later the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone - in which the inscription read :HERE LIES MY HUSBAND - STIFF AT LAST.

# A Healthy Move

On doctor's orders, Melling had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services.

Melling's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of.

"Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.

"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here."

The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.

"He looks good," the brother said. "The doctor was right, hose two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."

# Visiting Her Grave

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.

Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.

"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."

"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"

# Drumming Up Business

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"

# Grave Side Service

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in site, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Do you think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"

# The Dog's Funeral

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I`ll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick: "$500? - Why didn`t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"

# Dance on My Grave

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

# New on the Job

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.

The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last twenty-five years!"

# Steve's Widow

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bill says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I`ll do it."

2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"

"Steve`s wife gave it to me."

"That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

Bill says,"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve`s widow.`"

She said, "`No, I`m not a widow."

And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"

# All Hands on Deck

The young ensign had just been assigned to his first ship a large aircraft carrier. His job was to be in charge of the communications room and he wanted to do an especially good job so he would be noticed and perhaps more rappidly promoted. On the third day of the cruise a message came in that Seaman Jone's mother had died.

The young ensign took the message rushed to the bridge grabbed the microphone and yelled "All hands on deck, all hands on deck."

Soon all the crew is lined up on the deck and the ensign makes his announcement. "Seaman Jones your mother has died." At that point Seaman Jones is so surprised that he dies from shock.

So the Captain calls the ensign in and tells him that he definitely handled the situation poorly and to try and me much more sensitive on such matters in the future. A few days later another message comes in that Seaman Smith's mother has passed away.

Remembering the talk with the Captain, the ensign carefully considers the way he should handle the situation. After thinking about the situation for a few minutes, the ensign goes to the bridge and flips on the microphone and announces "All Hands on Deck, All hands on deck."

Once the sailors have assembled on deck the ensign says now all you men who's mothers are still living take one step forward.......ah, ah..... not you Seaman Smith!!"

# Sent the Wrong Card

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy".

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."

"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."

"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.

"'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.

# Still in Mourning

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that means.

One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties.

He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario. Her standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?"

He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."

_** Risque_

# Thrifty Obituary

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of $.50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Bob Smith died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, in that case, let it read: "Bob Smith died. Golf clubs for sale."

# The Afterlife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, "Mary . . . Mary .. . ."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex

pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

# The Ghost Car

This hobo was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night , just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the hobo jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the hobo was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The hobo saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the hobo watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the hobo was telling the truth and had been stone sober at the time.

About half an hour later two rain soaked cajuns walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain."

# Bad Shortcut

A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.

A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and decides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He, too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out.

The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder and tells him, "You'll never get out!"

He did.

# Dearly Departed Husband **

After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband, Mike, died suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the remains in a small urn.

Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike's ashes into a small dish on the coffee table.

"Mike, my beloved Mike," she began, "I wish to talk to you. Mike, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it is, Mike. Do you like it?

"And, Mike," she continued, "do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike. Do you like it?

"Well," Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike's ashes into the air, "there's that blow job I was promising you."

_** Risque_

# No Place to Sleep

Ned was a colorful old hobo and he had been riding in a boxcar all day when the train pulled into the rail yard of a small Midwestern town. Feeling a little hungry, Ned walked into the center of town where he found some food in a dumpster behind a busy restaurant and then started to look for a place to sleep. In the town square was an old park, with a statue of a civil war general and a couple of park benches. But the benches were hard and the wind was starting to pick up, so Ned went looking for a warmer and softer place to sleep.

Walking down the block he spotted a funeral home and tried the front door. It was open, but it appeared that no one was around. Ned walked in and looked around. It was out of the weather, but the wooden pews in the chapel did not appear to be any softer than the park benches. Then Ned noticed a casket open for display in the foyer. It was softly padded and had a large silk pillow inside, so Ned climbed inside and fell quickly asleep. The undertaker was late for dinner, so he did not notice Ned in the open casket by the wall as he hurriedly locked the front door and left for the night.

Amos had been out of work for almost three months and was glad to finally get a job in the same small Midwestern town. Unfortunately it was as the night janitor in a funeral home. It was his first night on the job and he was very shaky as he approached the large, old stone building and put his key in the lock. His long standing fear of graveyards and mortuaries was made even worse by the fact that it was getting dark outside and the wind was now whistling through the bare trees making a very spooky sound.

As he entered the large empty building it was only dimly lit in the large foyer. Before he could become accustomed to the dim light, he noticed that there was an open casket in the room with a corpse laid out in it. Knowing that he would not be able to handle this, yet knowing he desperately needed the work, Amos closed the top of the casket and thought he could just pretend that it was unoccupied.

Awakened by the closing lid, and the now totally dark casket, Ned angrily woke up, pushed the top of the casket open and yelled "Jesus, cant a guy rest in peace around here!"

Nobody in town ever saw Amos again, although based on the hole in the mortuary wall, he had originally been heading south.

# Girls Night Out **

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing, said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said, "From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You."

_** Risque_

# One Final Debt

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."

# Got Any Tobacco

There was a beer party going on in the woods when all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain. These two young guys ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared on the passenger side and tapped lightly on the window. The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?)"

This old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"

So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"

"Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells, "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "Dude! what doyou think of that?"

The driver says, "Man, I don't know? How could that be? I'm going pretty fast?"

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaauggggg, there he is again!" the passenger yells."

"Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window then yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden, again there is MORE knocking!

"Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear.

The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of this mud?"

# Bloody Good Drinks

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down. The first vampire says," I'd like a pint of blood."

The second vampire says," I'd like a pint of blood, too."

Then the third vampire says," I'd like a pint a plasma."

Then the bartender says,"OK, so let me get this straight, you want two bloods and a blood light?"

# Donald Trumps Wake

When Donald Trump died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. Trump called the undertaker aside for a private little talk. "Please be sure to secure his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects."

"Rest assured, Mrs. Trump," comforted the under- taker. "I'll fix it so that toupee will never come off."

Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving Donald's ancient corpse quite a going over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day, a delighted Mrs. Trump offered the undertaker an extra thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally.

"Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker. "What's a few nails?"

# Diet Supplement

A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his Cornflakes every morning.

The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children, 35 great-grand children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

# Chapter 7

# Garden of Eden Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about the snake that spoke to eve will appear here and in the Animal Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# In the Beginning

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ''It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.''

Adam answered, ''Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?''

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ''Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.''

And the Lord replied, ''Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.'' And Adam said, ''What is a 'caress'?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ''Lord, that was even better than the kiss.''

And the Lord said, ''You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.'' And Adam asked, ''What is 'make love', Lord?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two second and said, ''Lord, what is a 'headache'?''

# Two Wonderful Gifts

One day God came to Adam and said, ''I've got some good news and some bad news."

''Well, give me the good news first.''

''I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have wonderful conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate this planet.''

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, ''These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?''

''The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.'

# Adam and Eve

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history...

# Which Came First?

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.

The doctor said, "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?"

"No," said the rabbi. ''It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world."

"Wait," said the engineer, "The world was created in six days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized, civilized place from utter chaos?"

"Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the lawyer...

# Lust in the Garden *

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "This morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Scientific Creation

God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting...show Me." So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.

"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

# The Old Leaf

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

# Trouble in Eden

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded.

"You know you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve!

# Man's Sex Life

When the Creator was making the world and all its inhabitants, he called man aside. I'm bestowing upon you," the Creator said, "twenty years of active sexlife."

Man was dismayed. "Only twenty years?" he protested. "Great One, that isn't enough. Can't you add a few more years?"

But the Creator shook his head. It was twenty years or nothing, so man glumly sat down.

The monkey was called forth. He was offered twenty years of active sex life too. But, the monkey suggested humbly that ten years would be quite enough, since he seldom lived longer than that anyway.

Immediately the man leaped up. "Can I have your extra ten years?" he cried excitedly. "Of course,"

said the monkey graciously.

The lion was then called forth and the Creator made the same offer. He shook his mane. "Mighty One," he roared, "I'm a monogamous animal: therefore, ten years will be enough for me."

Again, the man stood up. "Can I have the lion's share also?" he asked eagerly. Both the lion and the Creator agreed, and the man sat down elated.

The donkey was then called up, but when the Creator offered him twenty years, he balked. "Sire," he brayed, "I want to reserve some time for eating sweet clover. Ten years is ample time for me."

The Creator nodded, then turned and looked at man. "I suppose you want his ten years as well?" Man smirked and nodded. "So be it," said the Creator and turned away.

And that is how it came to pass that man has twenty years of active sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself

# God's Gift to Women *

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."

Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It'd be so great. When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It'd be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn't mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What's left here?" "Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# According to Eve

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied, "the sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right.. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull; all the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see...where did I put that useless boob?"

Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than all that bullshit about the Rib?

# The Garden of Eden

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian!"

# Another Eve Rendition

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and all of this beautiful garden and all of these amazing animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"Man will be a flawed creature, with many wreteched traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But... he'll be bigger, stronger, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll make him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds wonderful!" says Eve, " but what's the catch, Lord?"

Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman."

# Important Answers *

Heaven is beginning to fill up, so St. Peter decides to ask each person a question about the bible before they can enter. Three men stand at the pearly gates, waiting to get into heaven.

"How many wise men were there?" St. Peter asks the first man.

"Three." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open, and the first man enters.

"How long did the flood last?" St. Peter asks the second man.

"Forty days and forty nights." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open and the second man enters.

Seeing how easily the first two answered his trivia, St. Peter thinks of a much more difficult question for the second man.

Finally, he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam in the Garden?"

The man thinks and thinks, but can't come up with an answer. "Boy, that's a hard one," he finally says.

And the trumpets blow, the gates open, and the last man enters heaven.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Creation Down Under

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day. On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day. On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day. On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day. On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day. On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day. On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling Barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good.... well almost good. He saw that the blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheila's - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook, and clean the BBQ.

God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome! IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!

# Chapter 8

# Gay & Lesbian Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a gay hunter will appear here and in the Hunting & Trapping Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Cowboy Saloon *

It was one of those typical old Western saloons you see in most of the old movies with swinging doors, a honkey tonk piano, and a long bar. In comes a little gay fella in a city dude suit. He waits patiently for the bartender to finish cleaning a glass and then says politely to the bartender "I would like a glass of sarsaparilla, please" in a high pitched feminine sounding voice. "I'm sorry friend," says the bartender, "but this is a cowboy bar, we don't serve fellas like you in here."

"I won't cause any problems mister," the little fella says, "I'm very thirsty and I'll just sit quietly in the corner, drink my sarsaparilla, and not say a thing to anyone."

"Well alright", says the bartender "things are a mite slow and if you promise to behave yourself you can have your drink quietly in the corner." The little guy takes his sarsaparilla and goes off to a table in the corner of the saloon and quietly sips his drink.

A few minutes later, the swinging doors to the saloon fly open and a huge rough looking cowboy strides into the saloon. Beating the dust off his chaps with his hat he tells the bartender "I'll have three fingers of red eye and make it quick."

The bartender has his drink poured by the time the cowboy reaches the bar. The cowboy downs the drink in a single gulp, slams the glass down on the bar and demands "hit it again, barkeep." The bartender pours a second glass for the cowboy, who guzzles it down the same way. Without any hesitation, the bartener pours a third dirnk.

After the third drink, the cowboy announces that he has just come off of the longest, dirtiest, and hottest cattle drive ever known, and exclaims:

"I'm so thirsty I could drink the bar dry and so horney I could screw a cow."

At this point, the little fella in the corner cannot contain himself any longer, and responds:

"Moo... Moo... you big buckaroo."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Happy Mother's Day

The young gay man calls his Jewish mother to wish her a happy mother's day. In addition to the present and the card he had already mailed to her he had a special present he wanted to deliver to her personally.

"Mom," he began, "I know that all these years that you have not approved of my gay lifestyle, so you will be glad to know that that is all behind me now and I have returned to being a heterosexual."

"Oh, that's wonderful," says the mother.

"Not only that," continues the son, "but I have met a wonderful girl and we plan to get married later this year."

"That's so good to hear," says the mother, "I suppose it would be too much to ask if she was Jewish?"

"Not only is she Jewish," says the son, "she is from a very prominent Beverly Hills family and her father is a doctor!!"

"Oh, this is too good to be true," says the mother, "what is her name?"

"Monica Lewinsky" says the son.

After a brief pause the mother says "What ever happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"

# Trained Alligator **

A burley Cajun walks into a Louisiana bar and holds the door open for a large alligator which follows him in and over to a table. Everyone in the bar is startled and screaming at the bartender.

Once the bartender has regained his composure he says "You can't bring an alligator in here, what the hell is the matter with you?"

The Cajun holds up his hand and says reassuringly "Don't be alarmed this is a trained alligator and he is very gentle around people."

The bartender and the patrons are not convinced and they continue to demand that the Cajun remove the alligator. Finally to prove a point, the Cajun walks over to the bar and gets an empty bottle, hoists the alligator up onto the table, opens the alligators mouth, unzips his fly and puts his penis in the alligators mouth.

The alligator just lies there and does not bite. Then the Cajun hits the alligator over the head with the bottle. Still the alligator just lies there calmly.

The Cajun looks at the crowd and smiles. "See how harmless he is. Does any one else want to try this?"

After a few moments a small neatly groomed fellow in the back of the bar raises his hand. "I'd like to give it a try" he says -- "if you promise not to hit me in the head with the bottle."

_** Risque_

# The Rooster Race

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. So the new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "ok, old fart, time to retire."

The old rooster replies, "come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens, look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."

The old rooster says, "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

So, they get a chicken to cluck "Go!", and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about five feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Dang it,....third gay rooster I bought this month."

# Down Home Party

Sam had been a computer programmer for 25 years, and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job in Seattle and buys 50 acres of land in Northern Idaho, as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is this big, bearded local standing there.

"Name's Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this, I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving, he stops, and says, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin."

"Not a problem...after 25 years as a programmer, I can hang with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too."

Damn, Sam thinks...tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear to the party?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us."

# I've Got a Secret

A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole.

He congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning.

On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation...

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.

This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.

Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason.

"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats.

"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"

# Special Days

A sinful man just arrived to hell and there's a counselor there to welcome him.

Counselor: Hi and welcome to hell. Tell me something, do you smoke?

Man: Well, yes, I love smoking.

Counselor: Good. Monday is Smoke Day. We smoke the finest cigarrs all day and you don't have to worry about cancer or anything, because you are already dead. Tell me, do you drink?

Man: Of course, I love drinking.

Counselor: Good. Tuesday is Drinking Day. We have everything and you can drink as much as you want and you don't have to worry about dying from drinking, because you are already dead. Tell me, do you gamble?

Man: Yes, I do. Thats why I died, I couldnt pay back the lone shark.

Counselor: Good. Wednesday is Gamble Day. You can gamble as much as you want and you don't have to worry about getting shot, because you are already dead. Tell me, are you gay?

Man: No, I'm not.

Counselor: Oh, you're gonna hate Thursdays.

# How Do You Spell Success

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

# Strange Dreams *

It's a very cold winter's night, so three homeless guys are sleeping in an alley and huddle up close to stay warm.

When they wake up in the morning, the guy on the left says, "I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick."

The guy on the right says, "Yea me too, I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick."

The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream I went Skiing."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Special Day at School **

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.

She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"

"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"

The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."

"That's right, Dad."

"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."

"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

_** Risque_

# Rattle the Windows

Duane, Paul, Doug, and Bob go up to a Paul's cabin to stay for a few days and do some hunting. They travel all day and are dog tired by the time they arrive at the cabin. That night Doug snores so loud that he rattles the windows. Regardless of what his fellow campers do they can't get him to stop.

Despite their lack of sleep, the hunters get the cabin set up, stocked with firewood, and get their equipment ready for the next day. That night a fifth member of the group arrives. As he arrives in camp, Ray apologizes for being a day late because of a business appointment.

"That's alright" says Paul, "we didn't get any hunting done today and we also didn't get any sleep."

'Why not?" inquires Ray.

"It was Doug, he snored all night and we couldn't get him to stop for more than a few minutes. Then he would fall asleep again and start snoring. We were up the whole night and Doug was the only one who got any sleep. I'm afraid we might not get much sleep tonight either."

"Let me try something I learned in the Army," says Ray.

That night Doug didn't snore once, and everyone seemed to get a great nights sleep, except Doug, who looked a little tired.

After breakfast, Paul goes over to Ray and says "What did you do to get Doug to stop snoring, I didn't hear a peep all night?"

Ray breaks into a smile and says "Well just before we turned the lights out I got out of my bunk and went over to Doug's bunk kissed him on the cheek and said 'good night beautiful' then went back to my bunk and gave him a wink before I turned the lights out. Poor guy, he spent the rest of the night with one eye open to make sure I didn't come back."

# Shower Patrol **

The old Navy chief was briefing new sailors who were being assigned to the ship. One of the things he warned them about was some sexual pervert who would strike young sailors in the shower. The pattern had been for the assailant to wait until someone was showering alone and then when they would drop the soap and bend over to pick it up the lights would go out and the unknown assailant would strike. So far they had been unable to catch or identify the guilty party.

About a week into the cruise one young sailor was taking a shower by himself when he dropped his soap and bent over to pick it up. Sure enough the lights went out immediately, so remembering what the Chief had said he waited until the assailant struck and then stood up straight, tightened up his ass and called out "I've got him Chief, I've got him!!"

_** Risque_

# Getting Even **

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "O.K.." and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and Thumbs up sign to each driver.

_** Risque_

# The Camping Nightmare ***

Walt and Gus are eating lunch together at work. They get to talking about how they would react to various situations.

Gus then says "let me ask you a hypothetical question."

"Okay", says Walt.

"Let's say you went camping with a friend and had a little too much to drink and then passed out. When you woke up in the morning you were sore all over, had scratches on the palms of your hands and a condom hanging out of your ass. Would you tell the people at work about it?" Gus asks.

Walt thinks about it for a second and then says, "No, I don't think so."

Gus then smiles and says, "How'd you like to go camping sometime?"

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Pulling Rank

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."

# Taxi Driver's Fantasy **

An attractive nun got into a taxi one evening and noticed the taxi driver staring at her continuously. The taxi driver finally spoke up and said: "I'm really sorry, sister. I'm dying to ask you a favor but I'm afraid it might offend you."

The nun replied: "My son, you can ask me anything. In all my years, I've heard the worst of everything and nothing you tell me is going to offend me".

"Okay," the taxi driver said. "I've always had a fantasy about a nun performing oral sex on me."

"Well, let's see what we can do about that," she replied. "Firstly, you have to be single and a Catholic."

At this, the taxi driver got extremely excited. "Oh yes, sister! I am single and a Catholic!"

So they pulled over to an alley and the nun fulfilled his fantasy. Once they got back into the taxi, the taxi driver began to cry.

"My son, why are you crying?" the nun asked.

"Oh sister, I lied. I'm so sorry. I'm Jewish and I am married!" he sobbed.

The nun replied: "That's alright. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

_** Risque_

# Cheap Booze

A gay guy has struck out at the gay bar and is going home alone and horney. As he passes by an alley he notices a drunk who has passed out in the alley and is laying face down. Since no one is around he has his way with the drunk. As he is leaving he starts feeling guilty about what he has done, so he leaves a $20 bill in the drunks hand.

The drunk wakes up the next morning and finds a $20 bill in his hand. He immediately goes down to the liquor store and asks the clerk for two bottles of his cheapest whiskey. The clerk sells him the whiskey and the drunk goes back to the alley and gets drunk again. The next night the same gay guy and a buddy come by the alley and find the drunk passed out again. This time they both have their way with him and each leave a $20 bill in his hand. The next morning the drunk wakes up and finds $40 in his hand. Again he goes into the liquor store.

"Two bottles of my cheapest wiskey -- right," says the clerk.

"No," says the drunk, "I'd like two bottles of your best wiskey this time."

"Why the change of heart?" says the clerk.

"I'm swearing off the cheap booze," says the drunk, "it's starting to make my ass hurt."

# Lucky Guess **

A gay guy goes up to a nice looking straight guy who is siting by himself in a bar. The gay cups his hands and walks over to where the straight guy is sitting and says "if you can guess what I have in my hands I'll give you a blow job."

The straight guy says "look I'm straight and I'm not interested"

But the gay guy is persistent and keeps nagging the straight guy to venture a guess. Finally to get rid of the gay guy, the straight guy says If I play your game will you go away?"

"Yes," says the gay guy,"and you only get one guess."

The straight guy pretends to think for a few moments and finally says "I've got it, it's a John Deer Tractor."

The gay guy lifts his cupped hands up to his eye, makes a small opening peers in and then with a big smile announces "We have a winner."

_** Risque_

# Old Gus

After a few months in prison, Wally was talking to a fella he met named Bill. They were talking about how things were on the outside and how they missed going to the bars and picking up women.

"Well if things get too bad," says Bill "I can fix you up with old Gus."

"No way," says Wally "I don't go for that shit."

A few months later Wally sees Bill in the exercise yard and says "If I were to have old Gus, just who would have to know about it?"

"Well," says Bill "You, me, old Gus of course, and then there's Pete and Eddie."

"Who are Pete and Eddie?" says Wally "and why would they have to know."

"Oh," says Bill "they're the two guys holding old Gus, he doesn't go for that shit either."

# Escaped Convict

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.

Suddenly, he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered,

"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck, and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do, don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong, and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says,"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck; he was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, and I love you, too."

# Self Image

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping a whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to him and asked: "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied: "Well, I've spent my entire life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said: "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think about women."

A little while later a couple sits down next to the old cowboy and asked him "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied: "I always thought I was, but I just found out I am a lesbian."

# Penance by the Numbers **

A priest had to be away from his parish for a day and asked the jamitor to take over confession for him. The janitor was apprehensive, but the priest said that it would be easy since the janitor would be inside the confessional and the priest had prepared a sin list inside the booth which listed both sins and penance. The janitor finally agreed and took the booth early the next morning. Soon people started arriving and a middle aged man entered the booth.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery."

"Adultery, eh?" the janitor said. "You sly devil. That'll be twenty hail mary's, plus fifty bucks."

"Thank you, Father."

Another person came into the booth.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have embezzled money from work."

"Embezzlement, eh? Naughty, naughty. That'll be ten hail mary's, plus twenty bucks."

"Thank you, Father."

This was easy, the janitor thought. I can handle this.

Another person came into the booth.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have commited the sin of butt-sex."

The janitor looked at the list, but I didn't see butt-sex there so he excused himself to see if he could get some help. He finally found a choir boy hanging out on the steps of the church.

"Excuse me," the janitor said. "What does Father Matthew give for butt sex?"

"Well," said the boy, "usually just milk and cookies, but sometimes a Snickers."

_** Risque_

# Avoiding Arrest

This blonde guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car. A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop. The guy got out, shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.

The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf. The cop said there was no reason to be scared, because he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.

The blonde guy said 'I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me, it's just that I've never done it with a cop before!"

# Get Out of My Church

The preacher stood before the congregation. ''Brothers and Sisters, I understand that there have been some he'n and she'n going on. I will not tolerate fornication in my church. All of those who are guilty, leave my presence.'' So some men and women exited the church.

''Brothers and Sisters, I also understand that there have been some he'n and he'n goin' on. Those who are guilty, leave my presence.'' So some embarrased men exited the church.

''Brothers and Sisters, I also understand that there have been some she'n and she'n going on. Those who are guilty, leave my presence.'' So some women got up and exited the church. The preacher looked around and the only one left in the church was a little boy sittin' in the front pew. The preacher walked up to the boy.

''I would like to commend you for being such an upright, loyal Christian.''

''Hold up now preacher. If you had gotten down to some me'n and some me'n, I'd have to get up and leave too!''

# Deadly Habits

Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the third's a gay guy. The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.

Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, "I don't care if I die, I need a drink." The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.

Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk. The gay guy looks over and says, "If you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead."

# Powerful Message

Two teenage boys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two teenagers were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles, a large one and a small one, and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?"

"Well, your honor," said the second teenager, "I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison..."

# Free Drink Routine ***

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the streets of New York, when they decided that they were beginning to get sober. They checked their pockets to see how much money they had on them. They were disappointed to only find $1.25.

Finally after a period of deep and intense thought, the first drunk got an idea. He went to a hot dog stand, bought a hot dog, and went to a bar to begin drinking. They did shot after shot, until the bartender told the two that if they wanted any more drinks they better show him that they had some money to pay for them.

The first drunk opened his zipper and put the wiener through the opening. The second drunk then got down and start sucking on it. The bartender cursed them and made them leave. They went to bar after bar with this routine until they were totally drunk. They staggered out into the streets, satisfied and wasted.

"Man," the second drunk said, "I've got to admit, that hot dog trick worked great."

"Actually," the first drunk said, "I got hungry and ate the hot dog after we got thrown out of the second bar!"

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Gay Cremations ***

Three gay men died, and were cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, ''My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky.''

The second man said, ''My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.''

The third man said, ''My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.''

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Monk Test of Purity *

Three Irish monks have passed all tests, except for one. It is the test of purity. So the other monks tie bells to their dicks and put them in a room with a beautiful naked stripper the monastery has hired specifically for this test.

She dances in front of the first one, and, sure enough, he goes 'ding-ding!'

"Go take a cold shower, now!" she commands, and he goes to take a shower.

So the srtipper dances in front of the next one, and, after a couple of minutes, he goes 'ding-ding!'

"Go take a cold shower with your brother!" she yells, and he leaves. Now she goes to the last one, dancing in front of him. He doesnt ring. The stripper nods.

"Good, you've passed. Go take a shower with your brothers."

"Ding-ding!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Brand Loyalty *

A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, "Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now." So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says, "Bud Light please."

The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, "What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis."

The bartender, calming the man, said, "Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I'll serve you a drink."

The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, "Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I'll order when I come up with something."

So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."

The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice, "I call my Ford, because it is built big and tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, "Bartender, come here, I am ready to order."

The bartender says, "What'll ya have?"

The man says, "A Bud Light please."

The bartender asks, "What is the name of your penis?"

The man responds, "Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Six Double Vodkas

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

# Ducks in Court **

Three mallard ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for lewd and licentious conduct. The next morning, they were called to appear in court.

The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"

"I was just blowing bubbles."

The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question.

"Judge, I was just blowing bubbles."

He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess - you were blowing bubbles too?"

"No, I'm Bubbles."

_** Risque_

# Gay Bar in Dublin **

A gay American businessman is on a trip to Ireland. After he has conducted his business and had dinner, he goes out looking for some action. He finds the only gay bar in Dublin and there are only two other patrons, beside himself, in the bar.

He asks the bartender what he's doing after closing and the bartender tells the guy he is straight. Then the businessman asks about the two guys sitting at the other end of the bar.

"Oh, that's Gerald and Patrick a couple of the locals," says the bartender.

"Are they gay or straight?" asks the businessman.

"Oh the're gay alright, but they've recently started dating and it would be impossible to break them up. They seem to be made for each other."

"Why do you think that?" inquires the businessman.

"Because that's Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald."

_** Risque_

# Spiders Mating

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"

"They're mating, Lucy," he replied.

"What do you call the spider on top daddy?" Lucy asked.

"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy inquired, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"

Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having that sort of thing in going on in our garden!"

# The Best Pubs Around

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around.

The Englishman says, ''There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every drink that you buy.''

The Scot is not impressed and says, ''That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five.'' At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed.

The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says ''That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub filled with beautiful women where the barmaid buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes she takes you to her room and has sex with you.''

The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot.

He replies ''No, my sister told me about it.'

# A Real Horse Lover

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist.

"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically attracted to my horse."

"Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"

"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am, queer?"

# Pure Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin' ?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example.

Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're QUEER, ain't ya?"

# Really Bad Hands

Six guys are sitting around the table playing Texas Hold'em poker. No one calls the big blind and so the hand is folded and the big blind gets his money back along with two bucks from the small blind.

"What a rip." says the big blind, "I had pocket rockets and couldn't get a call."

"What are pocket rockets," says the sixth player, who is a new player.

"Pocket rockets are a pair of aces in the hole. They're called rockets because they look like rockets about ready to blast off," says the first player.

"I couldn't call." says the second player," I was in early position with a Broderick Crawford." Then realizing that the new player didn't know what a Broadrick Crawford was he explained. "A Broderick Crawford is a ten with a four, and we call in a Broderick Crawford because he stared in the TV series Highway Patrol, and was always on the poliice radio with his ten-four lingo'."

"I was in early position also," says the third player, "and all I had was a union oil. That's a seven with a six. We call it a union oil because their logo is a blue 76 on an orange ball."

"I couldn't call either," says the fourth player, " I had a Barbara Hutton, that's a five with a ten. We call it a Barbara Hutton because her Grandfather was F.W. Woolworth and started Woolworths, which was a five and ten cent store."

"I couldn't even call on the button," says the fifth player, "I had a Dolly Pardon. That's a nine with a five. We call it a Dolly Pardon because she stared in the movie nine to five."

The big blind then asked the new player: "Why didn't you call, you were the small blind and had half of your bet already in?"

"I couldn't call either," says the new player, "I also had a really bad hand... I guess I would call it a gay waiter."

"What is that?" says the first player, " We've never heard of a gay waiter."

"Oh," says the new player, "Thats a queen with a trey."

# Cold Coed *

Bill and Fred were sitting in the Student Union buiding having a cup of coffee between classes when a striking young coed came in and took a table across the room by herself. Bill's eyes lit up and he immediately went over and tried to strike up a conversation.

After a few minutes Bill came back to Fred's table and said: "What a cold fish, I couldn't get anywhere with her."

"Don't feel too bad," said Fred, "I think she's a lesbian."

"What makes you think she's a lesbian?" Says Bill

"Well." says Fred, "last week I asked her if she would like to go to dinner with me some time, and she said she didn't think it would work out, because she was a strict vagitarian."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Five Shots **

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired.

"I want five shots of rye whiskey," responded the young man.

"five shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered.

"Well, in that case, let me give you a sixth on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if five shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

_** Risque_

# College Pride **

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

_** Risque_

# New Gay Couple ***

Two gay guys are sharing an apartment. One gay guy is sitting on the couch jerking off in a brown paper bag.

His partner walks into the room ready to go to work and asks what the hell are you doing?!

The other guy replies, "I'm Packing Your Lunch!!!"

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Keen Sense of Smell ***

Two gay guys were walking together when one of them said, "You're not going to believe this, but I think I smell penis."

The other said, "That's because I just burped."

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Powerful Pills

A very frustrated man visits his doctor. "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe anything..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay." He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too."

# The Redneck and the Nun **

A redneck gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The redneck looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the redneck, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The redneck says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.

The redneck decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the dark cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the redneck jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD. I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me."

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The redneck agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the redneck finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the redneck!!"

Then the nun jumps up, throws off her habit, and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"

_** Risque_

# The Blonde Joke

A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guy yells to the bartender: "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?' A deathly silence transcends the bar.

In a deep, husky, menacing voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200lb blonde with a black belt in Karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man pauses to think, and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

# Garden of Hedon **

As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked "Registration" and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk.

"Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: "Beware of Gays."

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!"

_** Risque_

# Nudist Colony Signals *

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Sir, did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, horrible, corpulent, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it is a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Suppository Insertion ***

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Tell Me About God

A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."

This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"

# Insulting Customer *

A large, mean looking biker pulls up in front of a bar and revs the loud pipes on his Harley a couple of times before he turns off the engine and walks into the bar. He gives everyone in the bar a dirty look and then orders a beer. After he chugs down the beer he says, "All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"

Everyone is understandably silent.

He, then, chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"

Everyone is silent, again.

Then a small well dressed guy gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"No," says the little guy with a twinkle in his eye," I just realized that I was on the wrong side of the bar!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Immaculate Conception **

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.

"It's worth a try," he says.

So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child."

"But that's impossible!"

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

_** Risque_

# Gay in the Hereafter *

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. "Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious. "If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass of.

"Why is it so god damn cold down here? "Pete asks.

"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Vegas Hooker **

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much?"

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that."

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can't believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegasis laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

_** Risque_

# The Gay Grizzly Bear ***

There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear.

The hunter's shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. "You are hunting me, I'll bet", said the bear. "You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the ass!"

The hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.

The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer.

The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, "You're not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?!

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Gay Firefighters ***

Two firefighters are buttfucking in a smoke filled room.

The fire chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on in here?!"

The Firefighter says "well sir, this man has got smoke inhalation."

The Chief says "why didn''t you give him mouth to mouth"

The Firefighter says "How do you think this shit got started?

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Reluctant Paratrooper **

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the 'plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the 'plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the 'plane or he'd kick my ass."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the 'plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 240 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and exposed himself. He said, Boy, either you jump out of that door, or you and i are going to have some wild time".

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."

_** Risque_

# Traveling Salesman

A traveling salesman is going through the country when his car breaks down. He goes to a nearby farmhouse and asks to use the phone.

The farmer tells him, "We ain't got a phone, but I'm headin' into town tomorrow an' you kin spend the night here. O' course you'll have to sleep in the same bed as my three sons, here."

And the salesman says, "Wait a minute. I'm in the wrong joke."

# Get Out of Town **

The residents of a small redneck town urge the sheriff to arrest the local homosexual. Seems he's been propositioning all the teenage boys in town.

The sheriff arrests the guy and says to him, "ok, you got 15 minutes to blow this town!"

The guy says, "I'll need at least two hours."

_** Risque_

# The Travel Voucher

An employee of US Air with the last name of Gay boarded a US Air flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat.

Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the US Air employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said the the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?"

The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!"

The flight attendent said, "I''m sorry, but you''ll have to get off the plane."

At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you''ve made a mistake - I''m Gay!"

Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I''m gay too! They can''t throw us all off!"

# Puddle in the Shower **

Two gay guys were in the shower together when one looked down and saw a puddle of white liquid.

He said to the other man What did I tell you about farting in the shower?

_** Risque_

# Watching Ships

Two Gays are standing on a bridge watching ships pass by underneath them.

One says to the other..."What kind of ship is that?" "Container ship."

"OK, what''s that one over there?" "Oil Tanker."

"How about that one?" "That''s a ferry boat."

"Really? I knew we were strong, but I never knew we had our own NAVY!"

# Lay Them on the Bar **

Five guys were in a bar. Feeling slightly sloshed, they started to argue with each other about the size of their penises. Eventually the discussion escalated into a full-blown argument, with each man thinking his penis was the biggest.

The bartender suggested, "Put them on the bar so we can compare."

So the five drunks all kneel on their bar stools and lay their cocks on the bar.

About that time, a little gay drunk staggered in the bar, looked around, and said to the bartender, "I think I'll have the buffet."

_** Risque_

# Choose Your Punishment **

A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil. The devil explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years, so he is to select his first punishment.

In the first room, he sees a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy is not keen on this, so he asks to see the next room.

The next room has a middle-aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room.

It has a really old man chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.

The devil walks into the room, taps the blonde on the shoulder, and says, "Okay, stop now, you've been relieved."

_** Risque_

# She's a Lesbian

A blonde guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young woman.

He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, "Don't waste your time on that one. She's a lesbian."

The blonde goes over to her anyway and says, "So which part of Lesbia are you from?" 

# Ladies Day

Phil has been driving his Motorcycle across the Arizona desert all morning and is getting hot and hungry. He notices a sign on the highway advertising a new Indian casino just five miles up the road. Phil thinks this would be a great place to get off the bike and have some lunch. Also he rationalized, that since he has plenty of time, and it is so hot at this time of day, he could sit in the air conditioned card room for a few hours and play some poker. Then when the sun has gone down a little he could hop back on his bike and have a cool ride the rest of the way to Phoenix.

After a quick lunch in the casino restaraunt, Phil wanders into the poker room and notices that the room is filled with women. Phil asks the floor man what is going on.

"Oh you must be new here", says the floor man, "today is ladies day here at the casino."

"You mean I can't play poker here today?" Asks Phil in a disappointed tone.

"Well there's no reason you can't play," says the floor man, "as long as you are willing to play by the ladies day rules. "

"What are the ladies day rules and how are they different from your regular poker room rules?" asks Phil."

"There are three major departures from our regular rules," says the floor man. "The first difference is the chips and the table. Normally we play with white, red, and green chips with the casino logo on them. However, on ladies day the chips are ecru, mauve, and lime with a tasteful white wedgewood cameo in the middle. Then we put a nice lace table cloth over the green felt table and top it off with an attractive floral centerpiece."

"That's not a big problem" says Phil, "I can handle that -- what else?"

The second change," says the floor man, are the stakes. Instead of our normal $4 - $8 stakes, on ladies day the bets are $3.99 and $7.98. Also if you have clipped out the coupon from the local shopping news you can get a two for one bet."

"That's a little weird," says Phil, "but I guess I can handle that too. What is the third difference?"

"The third difference is in the dealing." says the floorman, "on ladies day we use the sale table method to distribure the cards to the players."

"What is the sale table method?" groans Phil.

"Well," says the floor man, "Instead of shuffling the cards and dealing them to the players, we turn the cards face down on the table mix them all up and then put a sign up that says 'Sale Table - half price'. That is the signal for all the women to crowd around the table and pick through the cards until they get five they like."

"Then the best hand wins?" asks Phil, wondering when the game starts to resemble poker.

"No, actually the group decides who the winner is based on he value of the poker hand, the players hairdo & personal grooming, and the attractiveness of the players outfit & accessories. With your dirty jeans, leather vest, and motorcycle boots, I'm afraid you won't do very well today."

"I guess you don't get many men playing on ladies day," says Phil.

"Not too many bikers," says the floor man, "but we do have an interior decorator named Lawerence and a hair dresser named Mr. Bruce, who seem to do quite well week after week."

# Royal Wedding Night **

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.

When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Philip's. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me."

The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigor, but it was stuck. "Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"

"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!"

There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SO good!"

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Philip and said, "See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe. "Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.

At which Prince Philip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy - Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

_** Risque_

# Brokeback Mountain

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for." 

# Nature Lover

While walking through the Stone Mountain State Park woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious the man says, "Well, OK." He wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, and car keys then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear, and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, Cupcake."

# Chapter 9

# Genie & Magic Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about an astronaut with a magic lamp will appear here and in the Robot, Alien & Space Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Lost at Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their

circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

# Anniversary Wishes

On their golden wedding anniversary a couple received a present from their oldest son, who was a senior engineer on a oil pipeline project in the middle east. In his note he congratulated them both on turning seventy and also completing 50 years of successful marriage. The note read: "To show my love I have purchased this special present which will give you both what you want most in life."

When they opened the present they found an old oil lamp which the son had obviously purchased at great expense in an Arab bazaar. Another note inside the box with the lamp explained that they would each have one wish which would be granted by the genie of the lamp. The wife was the first to rub the lamp. Immediately a large blue genie appeared and asked the wife what her wish was. The wife told the genie that she had always wanted to travel and wanted to spend their anniversary on an arround-the-world tour. No sooner had she made the wish than poof, they were in an elegant stateroom aboard a luxury cruise ship. The wife was so excited that she immediately ran out to explore the ship.

The husband stayed in the cabin and as soon as the wife had left, he rubbed the lamp to make his wish. When the genie appeared the husband told the genie that his wish was to spend the night with a woman thirty years younger than himself. No sooner than the man had made his wish when poof, he was 100 years old.

# Strange Request

One day an old Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, has his last lightbulb burn out. To get a new one he'll have to stand in line for two hours at the store (and they'll probably be out by the time he gets there), so he goes up to his attic and starts rummaging around for an old oil lamp he vaguely remembers seeing.

He finds the old brass lamp in the bottom of a trunk that has seen better days. He starts to polish it and a genie appears in cloud of smoke.

"Ho ho, Mortal!" says the genie, stretching and yawning, "For releasing me I will grant you three wishes."

The old man thinks for a moment and says, "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to reunite his mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he doesn't want the place and march back home."

"No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"

"Okay. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to reunite his mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he doesn't want the place and march back home."

"Hmmm. Well, all right. Your third wish?"

"I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to reunite his --"

"Okay, okay, okay. Right. What's this business about Genghis Khan marching to Poland and turning around again?"

The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."

# Genie with a Hearing Problem *

This guy walks up to a bar with a foot tall man on his shoulder. Upon noticing an old piano in the corner, the foot tall man jumps down and runs over to the piano producing the most beautiful music ever produced on it.

The bartender walks over to the gentleman at the bar and says, "That's incredible, where did you get him?"

This guy puts this lamp on the bar and says, "I got one wish for releasing the genie in the bottle."

"Do you mind if I try?" asks the bartender

"No, be my guest!"

So the bartender releases the genie and gets one wish. "I wish for a million bucks!" And instantly the bar is filled with a million ducks quacking, crapping, and flapping around the bar.

The bartender says: "Hey, this doesn't work right!"

The man replies: "No kidding, do you think I really wished for a 12" pianist?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Magic and Management

Three men: a project manager, a software developer, and a database engineer are in Miami beach for a two-week period helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp.

As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The database engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software developer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

# Bad Choice of Words

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom in a mansion surrounded by fifty beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the whole of the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.

Next thing there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off.

As they are walking away they remove their hoods, It's the two Genies. One genie says to the other one " Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to, I can also understand wanting to be a millionaire. But to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"

# Lucky Frog

It was a long par four and Bob's drive had been to the right and not very long. He was now laying near a pond and had decided to play a nine iron to the center of the fairway. About the time he had decided on the safe play a frog sitting beside the pond said "bribip, four iron." Thinking this might be an omen, Bob takes out his four iron and plays the ball over the water, onto the green and the ball rolls up to the flag and drops onto the hole for an eagle. Bob is elated and picks up the frog and takes it with him.

For the rest of the game Bob asks the frog's recommendation on every shot and the frog advises Bob on the proper club selection and play. Bob finishes with the best game he has ever shot on that course. After the game is over Bob is convinced that the frog is truly lucky.

"What should I do next?" Bob asks.

"Bribip, Las Vegas" responds the frog.

Anxious to see if the frogs advice extends beyond golf, hops in his car and he and the frog take off for Las Vegas. As soon as they get checked into the casino, bob asks the frog what they should play and the frogs response is roulette. So they go to the roulette table. He then asks the frog what to bet on.

"Bribip, fourteen" says the frog.

So Bob puts $10 on 14 and the number hits and pays off 30 to 1. Bob now has $300. He continues to take the frogs advice until they have won a large amount of money and the frog advises Bob to quit and cash out. Bob takes the frog back to the room and has room service bring up a bottle of champaign to celebrate his great win.

"You are the one who has made all this possible" says Bob as he toasts the frog with a glass of champaign, "is there anything I can do to reward you?"

"Bribip, kiss me" says the frog.

As requested, he kisses the frog, who immediately turns into a beautiful sixteen year old girl.

"And honestly judge, that's just the way it happened" says Bob.

# Errant Ball

A husband and wife were playing golf together. On the third hole the husband hit a slice which went through the window of a beautiful house on the edge of the fairway. They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing."

# Not the Cow *

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Magic Mountain

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were on top of a magic mountain. The myth of the mountain was that if you jumped off of it and yelled out what you wanted to be, you would instantly turn into it.

The brunette jumped off the mountain and yelled "Eagle," so she turned into an Eagle and flew away.

Next, the redhead jumped off the mountain and yelled "cat," so, she turned into a cat, landed on all fours and walked away.

Then the blonde got a running start, tripped over a rock, plummeted into the air and yelled, "SHIT!"

# The Frog and the Engineer

A young engineering student was crossing a road by the college one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want."

Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

# A Special Frog

A beautiful blonde is driving down a country road when suddenly a large frog jumps out onto the road in front of her car. She slams on the brakes to avoid hitting the frog, and stops just in time. She waits for the frog to hop off the road, but it just sits there. Then she honks the horn, but the frog jumps up on the hood of her car instead of off the road.

Frustrated, the blonde gets out of the car and starts to take the frog off the hood, when the frog looks up at her with these big sorrowful eyes. He looks at her then at the edge of the woods and then back at her. When she looks over at where the frog has looked she notices a small fox at the edge of the woods and realizes that the fox must have chased the frog into the road and is now waiting for her to toss the frog down and leave.

Not wanting the cute little frog to get eaten, she decides to take the frog with her and let him out later when they are far away from the fox. So she puts the frog in the seat next to her and drives away. The frog just sits nicely on the seat and keeps looking at her with these big enchanting eyes.

He seems so well behaved and cute that the blonde thinks she may just take him home and make him a pet. As they drive along she is talking to the frog and he is looking at her as though he is listening and answers with a bribip, bribip. Finally the blonde leans over and kisses the frog, saying "you're just so darn cute."

At that point the most amazing thing happens -- the frog turns into a handsome young man with the body of an athlete. Not wanting to be outdone, the blonde also turns into something -- a motel.

# The Magician and the Parot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.

This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

# Non-traditional Genie

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an ash tray from an old car.

He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a plaid sport coat. There's a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket with a blue cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a used car salesman!"

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful woman will want and need me in the most intimate way."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story? If a used car salesman offers you anything at no cost, there's going to be strings attached. 

# Your Weight and Fortune

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the railroad station and sat down waiting for her traint. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your weight and fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her quarter in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun and weigh 128 lb., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois." She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself "a macchine couldn't possibly know who I am and where I am going -- it must be just a random assortment of comments added to the weight," so she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put her quarter in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument in my life." She sat back down. From nowhere a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. She picked it up and just started playing beautiful music. Startled she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."

Back to the machine, she put her quarter in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind." Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong. "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life." Well, she tripped getting off the scale and broke wind. Stunned she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her quarter in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your train to Chicago.

# Last but not Least

Three men, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and President Bush are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada. "With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

President Bush, asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."

President Bush says, "Very impressive....... Fill it with water."

# Bad Timing *

Bill was out playing golf one day and his ball landed on the rough in a patch of buttercups. As he lifted his club in the air he heard a faint voice say, "Please don't hurt my buttercups, buttercups."

Bill lowered his club and took a quick glance back and forth to make sure that he was alone. Satisfied that he was alone, Bill began to raise his club and again came the same voice, this time a bit louder, "Please don't hurt my buttercups, buttercups."

This time Bill was so sure of the voice that he spoke aloud, "Hello, is someone out there." No sooner than he had finished speaking a tiny fairy appeared before him. "I am the forest fairy, if you don't hurt my buttercups then I'll give you all the butter you could want for the rest of your life."

"Where the hell where you when I was in the pussywillows?" said Bill as he picked up his ball in disgust.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Double Trouble

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."

The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

"What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie.

"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.

# Cinderella at the Ball **

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

''First, you must wear a diaphragm. But if you're not home by 2 AM, your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.'' Cinderella agrees, but she doesn't roll in until five in the morning, looking love-struck and very satisfied.

''Where have you been?'' demands the fairy godmother. ''Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!''

''I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.''

''I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!''

''I can't remember, exactly. It was Peter, Peter, something or other...''

_** Risque_

# The Wizard of Oz

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and the Secretary of Defense all wanted to go to Oz, to visit the Wizard of Oz. Bill looked at Al and asked him why he wanted to go. Al said that he needed a brain, and Bill agreed with him.

Then, Bill asked the Secretary of Defense why he wanted to go, and he said that he needed a heart. Bill also agreed with him. Then both looked at Bill and asked him why he was going.

He answered, "I'm looking for Dorothy!"

# The Frog Prince *

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.The frog hopped into the Princess' lap.

"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am! Then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself.

"I don't fuckng think so.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Tough Wish

here was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!!!

The very angry looking Genie said, ''Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!''

The suprised man said, ''OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii.''

The genie replied with a smirk, ''Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen.''

The man said, ''Fine then, I want to understand women.''

The genie said, '' Would you like two lanes or four?'

# Wishing for Wine **

While he was rooting around in the basement, a man found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie emerged in a huge cloud of pink smoke.

"I am the all-powerful genie. I shall grant you one wish." The man thought about this, and decided that if there was one thing he couldn't get enough of, it was wine.

"I wish I could pee wine. That's my wish."

"Granted." And the genie disappeared. Later that day, the man's wife came home to find her husband naked, holding a glass of wine.

"Why only one glass?" asked her wife.

"You're drinking out of the bottle tonight."

_** Risque_

# Lucky Leprechaun

One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball into the woods. When he went to retrieve it, he found that it had hit a small man in green tights.

"I'm so sorry!" the man said.

"Don't worry about it. Anyway, you caught me. I'm a leprechaun and you have managed to stop me. You get three wishes."

"Oh, no, I don't want the wishes. Just as long as you're okay." The leprechaun thought the man was so nice he decided to grant three wishes for him. He gave him unlimited money, terrific health, and a great sex life. The man came back to the golf course the next year and recognized that same leprechaun.

"How're you doing?" asked the leprechaun.

"Oh, terrific. Everytime I stick my hand in my pocket a 100 dollar bill comes out and I've eaten nothing but Snickers bars for a year and I'm at my ideal weight and can run a mile faster than anyone."

"How's your sex life?" asked the leprechaun.

"Fantastic! I'm up to twice a week now!"

"Twice a week? Why so little? I gave you a great sex life wish!"

"Hey, that's not too bad for a rural priest with a small parish!"

# A Magic Mermaid

Three blondes are out having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now, one of the blondes just doesn't believe it.

"OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q."

"Done." Suddenly, the blonde turns into a brunette, starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly - and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second blonde is so amazed she asks the mermaid to triple her I.Q. All of a sudden, the second blonde turns into a redhead and starts to spout the solutions to mathematical problems that have stymied chemists, physicists and mathematicians since the beginning of time.

The last blonde is so impressed that she asks the mermaid to quintuple her I.Q. The mermaid looks at her, very concerned.

"I don't normally try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I'd really wish you'd reconsider."

"No way. I want you to quintuple my I.Q., and if you don't, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid, "you don't know what you're asking... it will change your entire view of the universe...won't you ask for something else...10 million dollars, anything?"

But the third blonde remains steadfast.

The mermaid sighs and says, "Done!" And the third blonde becomes a man.

# Thirst Quenching

Three women were trekking through the hot desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge pool of that drink.

The brunette went down first yelling, ''Beerrr!!!'' Plop! She landed in a pool of ice cold beer.

The redhead went down the slide next yelling,''champaignnn!!!'' Plop! She landed in a pool of chilled bubbling champaign.

Finally the blonde went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!''

# Fairy Tale Romance *

Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white male and resident of Wimbledon UK, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Bloggs will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that after a night of drinking, as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.

"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Bloggs went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, poked a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Bloggs apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer B.T. approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer BT. "I walked up to (Bloggs) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin".

BT went on to describe what happened when she approached Bloggs: "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Amazon Adventure *

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, ''I'm screwed.''

There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: ''No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.''

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: ''Okay.......NOW you're screwed!'

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Mysterious Happenings

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. Why the death? So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil........ Just when the clock struck 11....

Sven, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

# Psychic and the Frog

A young male frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "That is great! Will I meet her at the pond?"

"No," says his advisor, "in her biology class."

# Genie and the Bureaucrat

A state government employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

"This will look nice on my mantlepiece," he decides, and takes it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears.

"For setting me free, I am granting you three wishes. So tell me what are they?" Genie asks.

"I wish for an ice cold beer right now!"

He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.

"I wish to be on an island where beautiful young girls reside."

Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.

He tells the genie his third and last wish, "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF!

He's back in his government office

# Strange Trio *

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Stranded

Three blondes are stranded on an island. They find a lamp and rub it and out pops a genie. "I will grant each of you one wish" the genie said.

The first blonde said that she wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a brunette and swam off the island.

The second blonde said that she wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a red-head and built a raft and rowed off the island.

The third blonde wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a man and walked across the bridge.

# The Witch and the Mirror

There was a blonde, a brunette and a redhead at a dance together. When they went into the bathroom to check their makeup, they found an old hag.

"I am a witch, and if you look in the mirror and say one rumor that you hear about you, and that rumor is true, then you will get one wish. If it is not true, then you will get sucked into Mirrorland for the rest of eternity. Do you understand?"

They all did, and the brunette went first. "I think I am the prettiest girl at school."

"That is true. Your wish is granted." And the brunette left the dance in a red Ferrari.

Then came the redhead. "I think I am the richest girl at school." "That is true. Your wish is granted." And the redhead left the dance with a hot boyfriend.

Then came the blonde. "I think..."

Before she had a chance to finish, the witch said: "You lie!!" And she was sucked into the mirror.

# Golf Genie

A golfer, encountering a genie, was granted one wish. The man thought a while and said, "Well, I've always been embarrassed by being rather small, if you know what I mean; could you make me larger?"

"Done," said the genie and disappeared.

Continuing his game, the man noticed an immediate change in his "size." Within several holes, it was down to his knee, and by the eighteenth, it had crept into his sock. After holing his final putt, the man hurriedly returned to where he'd met the genie.

"Problem?" inquired the genie.

"Yes," the man responded, "Do you think I could trouble you for one more wish?" "And what might that be?" asked the genie.

"Could you make my legs longer?"

# Genie and the Intern **

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!", she exclaimed.

"No", said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Lets see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage."

"And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want."

"I would like to get rid of these love handles, though." "Yeah, that's it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

Poof!, and just like that, her ears were gone!

_** Risque_

# A Voice from Beyond

For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace.

Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your Zayde (grandfather), who you miss so much!"

Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side.

All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom."

Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium...Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel? Milton Pitzel's Zayde?"

Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grampa? Zayde?"

"Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered.

"Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Grandfather, are you happy in the other world?"

"Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!" A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until "So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."

"Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"

# Big Body and Small Head **

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

_** Risque_

# The Magic Erection

A man has been married to his wife for over 20 years and during the past 5 years he has been unable to obtain an erection. He feels just horrible because he is unable to have sex with his wife. He fears his wife may leave him for another man.

Out of desperation the man has gone to every doctor and expert in the area. Despite numerous tests and suggested remedies, no reason for his impotence can be found and no cure has worked.

The man decides to share his problem with his best friend. His best friend gets all excited and says, "I know who can help you! There is mystic and he was able to help someone else I know with the same problem! You must go see him!"

So the man takes his friend's advice and goes to visit this curious mystic. The man explains his problem, the mystic looks him over and says, "Ah, yes, indeed I can offer a temporary cure."

The man is just elated, he tells the mystic, "Whatever it is, please do it! I want to be able to have sex with my wife, please!"

So the mystic nods his head, does a strange dance around the man while murmuring odd sounds, claps his hands and says, "All done. Now, sir, you will be able to bring on an erection immediately upon counting to three: one, two, three. Do not count to three until you want your erection. Your erection will continue to last until the count of four is heard: one, two, three, four. After that, you will not be able to obtain an erection again no matter what."

The man is just so excited, he leaves the mystic and heads home. All he can think about is that tonight he will be having sex again and giving his wife the love session of her life. He cannot wait to surprise her with his eager hard-on that will last and last and last.

That evening, the man is lying in bed waiting for his beautiful wife to walk out of the bathroom and crawl into bed beside him.

"How much longer will you be?", he inquires in a lound voice from the bed.

"Almost done sweetie.", his wife responds from the bathroom.

The man gazes down at his penis and counts outloud: "One, two, three". Sure enough, his penis stiffens into a grand hard-on.

The wife then hollars from the bathroom: "Honey, what did you say 'one, two, three,' for?"

# Bad Wish

There were two teenagers and they just got thru playing basketball. So they went to the showerhouse.

They were in the showerhouse and the first teenager noticed a cork up the other teenagers butt. So when they got out of the showerhouse, the first teenager ask why he had a cork up his butt?

The other teenager said, "Well, I was at the beach and a fairy said she could grant me one wish", and in amazement I said - "No Shit!"

# The Third Wish

This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared.

This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.

"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy. The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world.

"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish."

"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile."

"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.

The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind.

"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later."

"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.

The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.

After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.

"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener ....

# An American Holiday

Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer.

"You will die on an American holiday."

"Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.

"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!"

# Hillary's Future

Senator Hillary Clinton snuck off to visit a fortuneteller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?

# Way Too Long

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than onecomplaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "Is there anything you can do for me?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope." The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still to long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter.

The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!

# The Ominous Voice

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG !

He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG !

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

The deep voice says: OPEN !

Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.

The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !

Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.

The deep voice says: ROULETTE !

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.

The deep voice says: 27 !

He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.

.....

The ball lands on 26.

The deep voice says: SHIT !

# Enchanted Rattlesnake

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range.

He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "Oh no! I was riding the mare!"

# Great Stein Collection

A drunken blonde man walks into a pub. Curious about the bartender''s collection of steins on the mantel, he climbs up on a chair to have a look. He knocks over the old wooden one and it falls to the floor. When the man looks down, he sees a leprechaun.

The leprechaun says, "You have freed me. Now I will grant you three wishes. What''ll they be?"

The guy says, "How about a botomless mug of Schnapps.

Then it apears on the table in front of him. The man gulps and gulps untill he is sure that the mug would not run dry.

Then the leprechaun says, "OK, you got two more wishes. What''ll they be?"

The blonde man says "I like this one, how about two more just like it?"

# Rabbit and the Bear

One day in the back woods of West Hollywood, a giant bear was chasing little rabbit. "Stop running and get back here!" yelled the bear.

"Never!" shouted the rabbit.

Well as the rabbit was running he tripped on a lamp. His soft furry foot brushed the lamp and out popped a genie.

The genie noticed the frightened rabbit was being chased by the bear.

The genie said to the bear,"Hey! If you stop chasing him I'll grant you and the rabbit both two wishes!"

The bear agreed and was so eager he jumped to go first. He said, "I wish that a had the biggest penis in the world!"

*Poof!* and his wish was granted.

The rabbit went next, "I wish I had a super fast motorcycle!"

*Poof* and the rabbit's wish was granted.

The bear looked at the rabbit and thought, "What a lame wish!"

For his final wish, the bear smirked as he wished that all the other bears in the world were female.

*Poof* his wish was granted.

The rabbit jumped on his motorcycle, revved the engine and laughed.

Just before he booked out of there he said, "I wish the bear was gay!"

# Old Maid and Her Cat

Maude had devoted her whole life to taking care of her parents until they died. She then found herself old and homeless with only a few ragged clothes and her cat. One day she was rummaging through some junk at the local dump looking for something to sell when she ran across an old lamp. When she rubbed the lamp, a genie appeared and granted her three wishes.

"For my first wish I would like to be young, beautiful and have a spectacular wardrobe of expensive clothes." The genie immediately granted her first wish and she was young, beautiful and had a beautiful wardrobe of clothes.

"For my second wish I would like to have a castle on some deserted island with all of the food and wine I could possibly ever need." Suddenly she was in the grand hall of a beautiful castle with tables of food and wine.

"Since I have never had a social life or been with a man, for my final wish I would like you to change my loyal cat Tom into a young handsome prince, who would love me forever. Suddenly Tom turned into a handsome young prince took her in his arms and carried her up the grand stairway to a lavish bedroom. There he laid her on the bed, looked deeply into her eyes and said "now aren't you sorry you had me fixed."
Terry's Joke Collection

**Volume I - Animal to Bar Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Animal Jokes

Chapter 2 - Aviation Jokes

Chapter 3 - Bar & Pub Jokes

**Volume II - Barber to Domestic Staff Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Barber & Beautician Jokes

Chapter 2 - Bedside Jokes

Chapter 3 - Blind & Deaf Jokes

Chapter 4 - Blonde Jokes

Chapter 5 - Cafe & Restaurant Jokes

Chapter 6 - Cannibal & Jungle Jokes

Chapter 7 - College & University Jokes

Chapter 8 - Cowboy & Indian Jokes

Chapter 9 - Dentist & Optometrist Jokes

Chapter 10 - Domestic Staff Jokes.

**Volume III - Drugstore to Genie Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Drugstore & Pharmacy Jokes

Chapter 2 - Engineer & Programmer Jokes

Chapter 3 - Farm & Rural Jokes

Chapter 4 - Fireman & Paramedic Jokes

Chapter 5 - Fishing & Camping Jokes

Chapter 6 - Funeral & Cemetery Jokes

Chapter 7 - Garden of Eden Jokes

Chapter 8 - Gay & Lesbian Jokes

Chapter 9 - Genie & Magic Jokes

**Volume IV - Golfing to Kid Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Golfing Jokes

Chapter 2 - Heaven & Hell Jokes

Chapter 3 - Hobo & Drunk Jokes

Chapter 4 - Hooker & Stripper Jokes

Chapter 5 - Hotel & Motel Jokes

Chapter 6 - Hunting & Trapping Jokes

Chapter 7 - Kid & School Jokes

**Volume V - Lawyer to Medical Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Lawyer & Courtroom Jokes

Chapter 2 - Marriage & Relationship Jokes

Chapter 3 - Medical & Hospital Jokes

**Volume VI - Military to Newlywed Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Military & Nautical Jokes

Chapter 2 - Miscellaneous Jokes

Chapter 3 - Motorcycle & Biker Jokes

Chapter 4 - Nationality & Ethnic Jokes

Chapter 5 - Newlywed Jokes

**Volume VII - Nurse to Redneck Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Nurse & Receptionist Jokes

Chapter 2 - Parent & In-Law Jokes

Chapter 3 - Poker & Gambling Jokes

Chapter 4 - Police & Prison Jokes

Chapter 5 - Political Jokes

Chapter 6 - Psychiatrist & Asylum Jokes

Chapter 7 - Redneck & Hillbilly Jokes

**Volume VIII - Religion to Senior Citizen Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Religion & Clergy Jokes

Chapter 2 - Robot, Alien & Space Jokes

Chapter 3 - Sales & Office Jokes

Chapter 4 - Senior Citizen Jokes

**Volume IX - Sports to Train Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Sports & Recreation Jokes

Chapter 2 - Substitute Jokes

Chapter 3 - Supermarket Jokes

Chapter 4 - Teen & High School Jokes

Chapter 5 - Train, Bus & Taxi Jokes 
