

## LEARN TO BE HAPPY

Published by Bhaskar Sarkar, at Smashwords

Cover art: Sarita Sharma

Discover other titles by Bhaskar Sarkar at Smashwords.com :-htpp://www.smashwords.com/profile/view.Bhaskarsarkar1940

Copyright Author Bhaskar Sarkar 2015

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Dedication

This book is dedicated to my wife, children and grand children whose happiness is my primary mission in life.

### Prologue

The modern day life is becoming more and more stressful. We live in a materialistic society. There is constant pressure on us to achieve and to acquire. Advertisements on the television, news papers and magazines goad us all the time to live an opulent lifestyle, to acquire more possessions, to look sexy and to have more sex. We want our possessions to be the source of our pride, social status and the cause of envy of our neighbors. All this requires large amounts of money. Acquiring more money often requires long hours of work accompanied by neglect of family, particularly children and sometimes shady, unethical or even criminal work practices. Premarital sex and post marital infidelity are in fashion. Job security is lacking. Share markets are volatile. Unending competition, from kinder garden school to retirement, from the workplace to the bedroom, is killing.

The Old Testament laid down the Ten Commandments, which are recapitulated below:

You shall have no other gods before me.

You shall not make for yourself an idol.

You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.

Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.

Honour your father and mother.

You shall not murder.

You shall not commit adultery.

You shall not steal.

You shall not give false testimony against your neighbour.

You shall not covet ... anything that belongs to your neighbours.

The modern society has rejected almost all of them. Wealth is our God. Political leaders, terrorists, crooks, industrialists, sportsmen, actors, actresses, DJ s are our idols. We misuse the name of God to gain political power or money. We do not keep Sabbath. We do not respect our elders or ancestors. We maim and kill for money, power and love. Adultery is common and encouraged by cosmetic industry. We steal whatever and whenever we safely can. We are ever ready to give false testimony. And we covet all our neighbour's possessions.

We have two options. Either we embrace the philosophy of the modern world and enjoy its fruits and suffer its trauma and stresses, or we dare to be different and develop a philosophy of our own. We can dare to seek happiness. The choice is ours.

Happiness does not mean total absence of anger, pain, sorrow, loss or disappointment. Nothing in this world is absolute. There are shades of gray everywhere. One cannot be happy and stress free 24 hours a day, seven days a week and 52 weeks a year. There will be moments of sadness, of despair, of pain and anxiety. But scars heal with time. And those who seek happiness learn to treat and heal the wounds of the mind more quickly than others. They also adapt to the environment better than those who are unhappy.

What is happiness?

It may be pertinent at this stage to try to define happiness. When I was young, I used to define happiness by the mathematical formula "happiness is equal to achievement divided by expectation." So if we expected less, whether it was, money, love, affection, attention, recognition, etc the greater was the satisfaction when we achieved or received more than what we expected and hence happiness. So, theoretically, if we have zero expectations from life, we would have infinite happiness from whatever you get. So I expected little, was satisfied with whatever success I had on the journey of life and generally enjoyed myself. I found it difficult to motivate myself to conform to the demands of society and the workplace. I worked hard only in fits, did not make enough efforts to improve my interpersonal skills and developed an ego. As a result, I have not been able to do justice to my potential in the fields of sports or my profession. In spite of this I consider myself to be a happy person.

Mr. Shiv Khera, Management Guru, in his book "You Can Win", defines happiness as "Wanting What You can Get". Some say happiness is a state of mind that comes from being contented and being in harmony with your environment. What ever be the definition, any individual has no doubts in his mind as to whether he is happy or unhappy.

Sources of Happiness and Unhappiness

The sources of happiness or unhappiness are generally the same. They are self, parents, spouse, children and environment

We ourselves are the most important source of happiness or unhappiness. We are largely responsible for our successes or failures in life. Our decisions have favourable or unfavourable consequences on the life, prosperity, well being and growth of our family and organizations. I would say that our attitude and our actions contribute at least 50 per cent to our happiness or unhappiness.

Parents are a source of happiness when there is a strong bond of love with them, when we know that they are always there for us and ready to help us in our problems with whatever resources like time, advice, emotional or financial support that they can muster. Parents are a source of unhappiness when there is no bond of love and when they are critical, nagging, complaining and unreasonably demanding. They can also be a source of unhappiness when they are physically unwell.

Spouse is perhaps the second most important source of happiness and unhappiness. Marriage is a 24 x 7 relationship. Marriage is bliss when the spouse is loving, understanding, caring and supportive not only of his or her partner but also of their children and respective parents, relatives and friends. Marriage can be hell if the spouse is short tempered, selfish, nagging, scheming, uncaring, demanding egoist and unfaithful.

Children are a source of happiness when they are loving, caring, happy, healthy and successful. They are a source of unhappiness when they are not loving or caring, when they are under bad moral influence, when they do poorly in studies and are unable to find employment or establish themselves. They are a major source of stress when they are in trouble through dishonorable or criminal acts and when they keep on demanding financial support or money for starting or supporting business. Untimely death of ones child can be the most shattering experience for parents in general and the mother in particular.

Environment also contributes to our happiness or unhappiness. The environment embraces everything around us. It includes the country, state, city, society and neighbourhood we live in, the organization we work for, our friends, relatives, neighbours, the political environment and the law and order situations. It includes the services we use like banks, post offices, water supply, electricity, repair and maintenance services, public transport system and so on. It also includes weather and climate. Environment is not in our control and we need to be patient and tolerant when dealing with environmental problems.

Reasons for being unhappy

It is perhaps easier to identify when we are unhappy than when we are happy. There are countless things which can make us unhappy. The common reasons or occasions when we are unhappy are when we loose some one we love through death. We are unhappy when we do not have enough money to do what we need or want to do. We are unhappy when we are sick or someone we love is not well. We are unhappy when we do not get (material things like food, accommodation, money and intangibles like love, attention and service) what we want. We are unhappy when we cannot get our way or when people, particularly our parents, children or subordinates do not listen to us. We are unhappy when we are not treated with respect and attention which we consider is due to us. We are unhappy when our plans do not succeed or we lose a contest be it in a game of sport, love or business

Unfortunately for us, things which make us unhappy happen every day if not every hour. Our near and dear ones do die. There is a shortage of funds to do all that we want to do. We and our near and dear ones will fall sick and some times quite seriously. The food we are served may not be what we want to eat. Some times there are medical restrictions on eating what we love to eat and drinking what we want to drink. We have to share TV time, attend functions which bore us, wait for people who have no sense of punctuality, tolerate blaring loudspeakers at night during the wedding season and so on. We have little time for our parents and our children have little for us. More unfortunately for the seekers of happiness, things are not going to change. It is our attitude and approach to life that has to change.

Understand the Difference between Pleasure and Happiness

To be happy one needs to understand the difference between pleasure and happiness. The pleasure of fine dining or sex may last for a few hours. An ice cream or an orgasm will last only a few minutes. Happiness lasts a long time. It last a lifetime for those who have learnt to be happy. Pleasure from eating forbidden fruits is followed by periods of severe stress and some times life long unhappiness.

Learning to be Happy

The causes of happiness and unhappiness can be classified into two types, those which we can cure and those which we have to endure. Those which we can cure, we must. What cannot be cured we have to learn to take in our stride. The seekers of happiness have to learn to do just that. They must change their attitude so that they act positively in search of happiness and remain undisturbed by events and situations which are not to their liking. This book tries to explain the process by which we can change our attitude and act to ensure our happiness and happily endure situations we cannot cure.

We have to learn what we do not know. If you are reading this book, the chances are that you are unhappy and do not know what to do about it. Drinks and drugs are not the answer and are likely to make things worse. If we want to be happy, we have to learn how to be happy. This book is for all those, young or old, rich or poor who are not satisfied with their lives, who feel stressed and want to lead a more enjoyable life. The book is especially for college going teens and young adults who are starting on the journey of life. Every chapter may not be relevant to everybody. Learn to concentrate on what is relevant.

Author

colbhaskarsarkar@yahoo.co.uk

## Contents

Prologue

Part 1 – Improving Our Understanding of Life

We are all Different

Yet We Have a Lot in Common

Nothing is as Good or as Bad as it First Appears

Harmony is the Key to Happiness

Problems are like Trees

Money is Important

You can take a Horse to the Water but You cannot make it Drink

Attachment versus Detachment

If there is Day, there will be Night & Traffic Lights are a part of Life

Planning is the Key to Success

Change is inevitable

Marriage should be for Ever

Communication is the Key

Seek and Thou Shall Find

Part 2 – Changing Our Attitude

Step 1 Set a Goal for Your Life

Step 2 Temper Your Ambition

Step 3 Give without Expectations

Step 4 Kill the Cat on the First Night

Step 5Accept the Inevitable

Step 6 Catch them Young

Step 7 Take Care of Your Health

Step 8 Be Proactive

Step 9 Develop an Attitude of Gratitude

Step 10 Do not Look Back at the Past with Regret

Step 11 Improve Your Effectiveness

Step 12 Be Internally Rather than Externally Driven

Step 13 Let off Steam When You Can

Step 14 Let Head Rule the Heart

Step 15 Forget and Forgive

Step 16 Make Friends and Influence People

Step 17 Shed Your Ego

Step 18 Learn to Accept Others Point of View

Step 19 Look Before You Leap

Step 20 Curb Your Expectations

Step 21 Learn to Adjust with Parents and In-Laws

Step 22 Learn to Adjust with Children

Step 23 Draw Your Line and Stick to it

Step 24 Tread the Middle Path

Step 25 Learn to Accept the Will of God

Epilogue

### Part 1: Improving Our Understanding of Life

Before we act in quest of happiness, we need to understand why we need to act in a particular way or do certain things. We need to understand why we react to certain situations in a particular way. We need to understand why we fail to be in harmony with our environment. We need to understand why other people behave with us in a particular way. Thus, before we act in search of happiness, we need to understand certain fundamentals of life. These fundamentals are almost like the laws of nature or of science. If we ignore these fundamentals, the chances are that we will act in defiance of these laws and thus never fully enjoy happiness.

We are all Different

The first step to happiness is to accept that we are all different and will remain so in spite of all our efforts to make others think and act the way we do. We have different values, different natures, different likes and dislikes, and so on.

When I was a kid I often recited a nursery rhyme

Pea's porridge hot

Pea's porridge cold

Pea's porridge in the pot

Nine Days old.

Some like it hot

Some like it cold

Some like it in the pot

Nine days old.

It took me over 50 years to realize the true significance of this simple nursery rhyme. God has made each individual different. Each individual goes through life with his own likes and dislikes, prides and prejudices. Each has a different perspective of life. Each has a different value system. Some are ambitious. Others are laidback. Some are hard working. Others are lazy. Some are honest and truthful. Others are dishonest and deceitful. Some are spendthrifts. Others are miserly. Some love money, some love power. Some want people to say "He is a jolly good fellow." Some are contented. Others are never satisfied.

We are different because we are born under different signs of the Zodiac. Each sign of the Zodiac has some basic traits. So we carry some of the traits of the star we are born under.

We are different because we come from different races. A Kashmiri Indian is likely to be fair skinned. A Dravidian Indian is likely to be dark skinned. A Punjabi Indian, who has faced centuries of invasion, is likely to be aggressive. For thousands of years, whatever they saved was looted by invaders. So they learnt to enjoy the present and saved little. On the other hand a Marwari or a Jain who lived by trading is less aggressive and thriftier. The tribal people living in inhospitable hilly and jungle terrain relied on game for their food and are mostly non-vegetarians, whereas those living in fertile river valleys cultivated grains and vegetables and reared cattle and are mostly vegetarians. Those who live by the sea eat a lot of fish. In some parts of India widows are made to wear white clothes, eat vegetarian food and cut their hair short. In other parts of India, such restrictions are not there.

We are different because we practice different religions. A Christian or a Muslim can have beef but a Hindu cannot. A Muslim cannot eat pork but a Christian or a Hindu can. Muslims are not allowed to take liquor but other religions have no such restriction. Muslims pray five times a day, a good Christian says grace when sitting down for a meal and goes to church on Sunday. A Hindu has no fixed time or place of prayer. Each religion has its own holy days, rituals, festivals and customs. Some bury their dead while others cremate theirs.

We are different because we come from different family backgrounds. The rich do not have to struggle for their daily bread, but the poor have to. Some come to school in limousines, others in cars, scooters, on cycles, by busses or on foot. Some have more opportunities for development while others have less. Some mothers cannot help their children with their homework because they are illiterate. Others do not help their children with their homework because they are too busy with their professional or social obligations.

We are different because we come from different environments. Those who come from urban backgrounds are more exposed to western and cosmopolitan influences. They wear functional western or Indian clothes and are more adventurous in their food habits. For them, social and financial standing has more meaning than caste or region of origin. Those who come from rural background are more conservative in their outlook and more traditional in their dress and food habits.

We are different because we are brought up differently or because we pick up different influences during our journey through life. Some men are metro-sexual. They are very particular about their personal appearance and grooming and spend lots of time and money in being presentable. They are the darlings of the cosmetic manufacturers and dress designers. Some men are retro-sexual. They are Spartan in their grooming and casual in their dressing. They are chivalrous in dealing with women and insist on paying for their dates. Some women dress modestly while others enjoy flaunting their sexuality by wearing revealing and provocative dresses. Some women use minimum makeup. Others cannot do without lots of it.

And even if we are born under the same sign of the Zodiac, came from the same race, religion and family background and environment, we would still be different because we are individuals. Even twin brothers or sisters have different likes and dislikes. We have different skills and aptitudes. We have different kinds of education and jobs. We have different spouses and children. We have different aspirations and value systems.

This difference between people in a family, in a society, in organizations, in nations leads to conflict and lack of harmony. If we are to live and work together in harmony, we have to learn to cope with the fact that we are different.

We must accept the fact that we are different and have different values, needs, perceptions, likes and dislikes.

We must learn to respect others views and accommodate them to the extent possible. We should not try to impose your views on others. I know a family where the father insisted on his son to do science and daughter to study arts. They wanted to do the opposite and both failed for two years. When the father gave in and allowed them to study the subject of their choice, both passed. Not imposing does not mean being indifferent. Parents must discuss career and marriage options with children and give reasoned advice.

We must follow the behavioral norms of families, societies and organizations where you are located even if they are different from those you cherish. Remember the old saying, "If you are in Rome, do as Romans do." If you are with a Rajasthani family during Holi, let your hair down and enjoy being drenched and smeared in colours. If you are with a Hindu family during Diwali, be prepared to enjoy the crackers and sweets. Do not worry about sound or environmental pollution. If you are in Goa during the carnival enjoy the wine and dance. If you cannot enjoy the company of the people around you and their activities, make sure you are not there to spoil their fun.

Do your own thing when you have to but do it without inconveniencing others. For example if you want to smoke or drink in an environment that does not approve of it, find a suitable environment to do what you want to do. Do not insist on a Muslim to have pork or a Hindu to have beef but have what you want in your own house or at a restaurant.

If we can accept the fact that all others are different from you and can bring yourself to respect their individuality, you have made a flying start on road to happiness.

Back to Content

Yet We have a Lot in Common

The second step to happiness is to remember that though each individual is unique, we still have a lot in common.

We need love. Every one needs love. From the time we are infants to the time we are on the death bed, we seek love of our parents, spouse, children, friends and relatives. We are hurt and sad when this love is not forthcoming.

We need appreciation to blossom. A word of praise or admiration makes us feel good. It makes us try harder to perform and meet the expectations of those whose appreciation we seek. A good word from the boss motivates his subordinates to work harder to achieve goals. Praise of the food cooked inspires a housewife to learn and prepare better dishes.

We value self-respect and are hurt if insulted, humiliated, reprimanded or criticized, particularly if it is done in public. Every person has self respect till it has been destroyed by circumstances. It hurts people when they are treated like dirt, spoken to rudely or abusively or even sarcastically.

We seek authority and responsibility. Even a child likes to act as papa or mummy when playing. House wives like to be allowed to take decisions or at least be consulted about holiday plans, purchases and many other decisions. Young executives like to solve problems or achieve results in their own way.

We need space to do our own things. I like an occasional game of bridge and a lot of time on the computer. My wife loves seeing serials and movies, cooking, entertaining, house keeping and teaching small children. When her sisters come, they like to have long gossip sessions where I am not welcome. If this space to do what one likes to do is denied, there is unhappiness.

We all need rest and recreation. We are not machines and cannot be kept working continuously. Whether it is the maid or the housewife, the boss or the factory worker, every one needs time to rest and relax.

We have love, affections and concerns for our loved ones. This is applicable to all. Parents, whether rich or poor, white or black, are concerned when their children are sick, doing poorly at school or college, unemployed or marriageable and unmarried and so on.

We value our freedom to make choices. We like to decide what to wear or eat, which career to follow, which song to listen to or how we spend our time. Many young men and women like to choose their own life partners. There cannot be absolute freedom to do whatever we please. But the fact is that we all seek freedom to do what we want.

We have spells of good and bad moods. When we are in good mood, we are generous and can forgive people who make mistakes. When in a bad mood we are less tolerant and like to be left undisturbed.

We are all going to grow older and finally die. Those who are working will retire.

If we could remember that all the people we deal with have feelings and needs which we ourselves have, we would certainly deal with them in a more acceptable and humane manner. We would then be able to avoid unnecessary conflicts and improve the harmony and state of happiness in our lives.

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Nothing is as Good or as Bad as it First Appears

We tend to rejoice at our good fortunes and lament our misfortunes. It is natural and human to do so. But is it really as good or as bad as it appears? Let us see some examples.

The American Army defeated the army of Saddam Hussein in April 2003 and every American and particularly President Bush thought that a great victory had been won. Was it so? Unfortunately it was not. Fifty times the numbers of American soldiers have died in combat in the occupation years that followed when compared to the number who died in the actual war.

A few days before I retired from the Army, I received a call for the job of a project manager at Pune. The interview went off well. I was appointed as the project manager for the construction of an international school and promised that I would be made in charge of administration once the project was completed. I was in seventh heaven. But the project never took off as the required funds could not be raised. The company got into financial problems and my salary remained unpaid for months. Finally I got fed up and left. I never expected to see my money. But it was paid after about a year.

When my son failed to get 50 percent marks in Class X examination, my wife was shattered. But I was not disturbed. He did better in every examination thereafter and is today is a very successful executive with a multinational company in Singapore.

A girl fell in love with her colleague. The parents were against the marriage. But the girl pleaded with her parents. They relented and fixed the date of engagement. But the boy did not turn up. He pleaded that he could not go against the wishes of his parents. The girl's world collapsed around her. She consumed poison to end her life. Fortunately she was taken to the hospital in time and survived. With loving support from friends and relatives, her emotional wounds healed. She is now happily married with children of her own.

When I stopped working my income came down by about Rs 360,000 ($6000) per year. But the income tax also came down by Rs 120.000 ($2000) per year. So the decrease was not as much as it first appeared.

There are many instances where our first reaction to good news and particularly to bad news is excessive. We need to temper our reactions and adopt a wait and watch approach. Time is a great healer and the ripples caused in the pool of life by good fortune or misfortune will disappear with time. We must learn to accept that we win some and loose some and success and failure are a part of life. We should not let these things disturb our happiness and mental peace.

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Harmony is the Key to Happiness

I believe that harmony is a key requirement for happiness. Harmony comes from absence of conflict. Conflict comes from differences in perceptions, values, interest and desires.

Domestic harmony is very important for happiness. Husband, wife, parents and children are individuals with different perceptions, value systems, interests and desires, which are often irreconcilable. It is therefore desirable to lay down some rules for decision making and define spheres of authority and responsibility. Spouses and grown up children must be allowed to have their way unless their way is hazardous in physical or financial terms or their conduct unacceptable to society. Even then it is very difficult to stop a financially independent adult from doing what he is determined to do. One can only advice or plead for sanity.

Harmony in the work place is also important. However, work environment is more difficult to control. This is particularly true for bosses and company policy. It desirable to accept that, the person who is providing the money, has the right to decide what he wants and how the money is to be spent. It is not possible to change ones family but it is possible to change the workplace if the situation is totally unacceptable.

Religious harmony is important for the country and individuals. It is important to remember that there is one God but many ways to worship him. Very few choose their religion. Most are born into one. There are good and bad people in all religions. For religious harmony it is important that we are not dogmatic and do not try to impose our views on others. We should also be broad minded enough to partake in the religious festivals of others.

If we seek harmony, we must also learn about the enemies or destroyers of harmony. The main enemies of harmony are anger, selfishness and greed.

Anger is destructive. It consumes reason. We can do anything in a fit of rage. We can kill, we can harm others and also self destruct. We can destroy our marriage in anger. We can destroy friendship. When angry we can be abusive and create enemies. To be happy we must learn to control our anger.

Selfishness implies acting unfairly in ones own favour. It implies seeking fulfillment of ones own desires and grabbing more than ones share of whatever is on offer. Selfishness will lead to resentment. Resentment will lead to anger amongst others. Anger will lead to conflict and lack of harmony. To be happy we must be considerate and be willing to share what is available with others.

Greed is the insatiable desire to possess, to accumulate and to consume. Greed leads to unethical practices like cheating, falsifying documents and depriving others of their dues. Greed also leads to conspicuous consumption and degradation of resources available in nature. Greed will bring us in conflict with those who are deprived, with law of the land and invite the wrath of nature. To be happy we must learn to overcome greed.

Harmony implies absence of conflict. To preserve harmony we must learn to giving in when the situation so demands. We must also learn to practice detachment. We must learn not to impose our perceptions and values on others, even when they are very close to us and let others do their own thing.

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Problems are Like Trees

It is important to accept that if we are alive and living in this world, we must be facing problems. We cannot be happy unless we can solve our problems or learn to live with them.

Problems are like trees. When you are close to them, they tower above you and over shadow you. But when you are far away from them, they merge with other trees and are hardly noticeable.Thus when you have a problem, do not expect others who are far away from the problem to solve it for you. For them, the problem barely exists. We have to fight our own battles and solve our own problems.

Problems are like trees in another aspect. When a tree is small, its roots are shallow and it is easy to uproot it and throw it away. But allow it to grow, the roots will sink deep. It is very difficult to uproot a tree once it has grown. And even when you cut off what is visible above the ground, the tree will grow again. The longer you live with problems and allow them to take root, the more difficult will they be to solve. For example, doting mothers do not like to discipline erring children. It is easier to inculcate discipline in a small child than in an undisciplined adult.

Those who want to be happy must learn to deal with problems as soon as they occur. They must also take it upon themselves to solve the problem rather than depend on others. For example, a father with a marriageable daughter should try to find a match himself rather than depend on friends and relatives. Those who seek to be happy must also try to remain away from problems, especially when they are not directly or indirectly concerned with them. Getting embroiled in others problems, unless specifically invited to intervene or solve can only lead to conflict and unhappiness.

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Money is Important

Money is important for happiness. There is an old saying, "Money becomes important when you don't have it." We need money to eat a healthy diet. We need money to have a shelter above our heads. We need money to educate our children and give them opportunities to develop their potential. We need money to look after our parents and dependants. We need money to go on a holiday, to take a girlfriend on a date or a wife on a night out or to give a present. We need money to pursue our hobbies. We need money to meet social obligations like distributing sweets and presents at marriages and festivals. We need money for medical treatment when we or our dependents fall sick. We need money as savings for old age. We need money to be happy.

How much money do we require to be happy? It is very difficult to answer this question. The amount will vary from person to person and from time to time. It depends on ones life style. It depends on ones social background. A villager may be happy with an income of Rs 9000 ($150) per month, but a socialite may spend ten times as much to buy an evening dress. Adequate money to meet our financial needs is essential for our happiness. And this need keeps changing with time. It increases as we acquire a family, as the children grow and tapers off once the children are established and our liabilities decrease. Monetary need changes with circumstances. The needs of children or needs for medical treatment often determine its need. Living in cities generally cost more than in small towns or rural areas. Those who drink, smoke and party need more money than those who don't.

But we must understand that money by itself cannot bring happiness. Money cannot buy love, affection, health or happiness. Single minded pursuit of wealth by means fair or foul leads more often to unhappiness. We must try to earn as much as we can by honest means. But we must also learn to live happily with what we can earn. We must learn to save for the rainy day without being miserly. We must learn to be generous while being prudent. We must learn to use money to bring joy to ourselves, our families and the needy. We cannot take our money with us when we die. No one has ever been able to leave enough money to sustain unworthy sons.

Money is not the root cause of all evil. Greed is. To be happy, learn to earn more honourably and without unduly stressing yourself and learn to live within what you earn and to spend it wisely for the benefit of yourself, your family and society.

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You can Take a Horse to the Water but You Cannot Make it Drink

A major cause of unhappiness is our inability to make others do what we want them to do or tell them to do. Some parents are unhappy that their children are not studying hard enough. Some parents are not happy with the career chosen by their wards. I remember meeting a friend who wanted his son to be an engineer. His son wanted to be a fashion designer. Things were so bad that father and son hardly talked to each other. My wife could not make me give up smoking. We cannot persuade our son to marry. Many parents are unhappy with the food habits and dress sense of their children or with the attitude and life style of their friends.

In such situations it is worth remembering the old proverb "You can take a horse to the water, but we cannot make it drink." It is an absolute fact that you cannot easily force a person in his or her teens or even when they are older to act contrary to their wishes. It is impossible to force a person who is not financially dependant to do anything against their wishes.

So what do we do to be happy? We have to learn to motivate. Not that it will always work. But it is worth giving it a try. Remember that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. So avoid a confrontational approach and try an indirect one. Let us take an example.

One evening, when my daughter was in her final year MBA, I came home from work to find wife and daughter having a big fight. My daughter wanted to go to a late night party with her class friends at a place about 15 km from our house. She had a scooter. She said that all the girls would be going and her friends would escort her home. My wife was not having any of it. She kept saying that my daughter could not go. My daughter kept accusing her of being unreasonable and old fashioned. So I intervened. I told my daughter that I would drive her to the party and drop her there at 9 PM and pick her up at 11 PM. I would have dinner at a nearby restaurant and spend the intervening time. After some hesitation my daughter agreed. We went to the party.

On the way back I asked her, "How many girls were there at the party?

She replied, "Three girls."

"How many girls are there in your class?"

She replied, "Eleven"

"How many of the girls who came were staying in hostel?"

She replied, "All of them"

It was now clear to her that other mothers also had reservations about late night parties and her mother was not being unreasonable and we never had a similar problem again.

When we want any one to do something they do not want to do, we must reason with them. The children of generation next are generally well informed and intelligent. They are ready to accept things which they consider necessary and beneficial. We should also try to motivate them where possible by personal example. But if we want to be happy, we must learn to give in and not to insist. If you are lucky, the person will do what you want him or her to do on their own. I gave up smoking after a mild heart problem. My son studied hard after his disastrous results in his school leaving examination and is none the worse for it.

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Attachment versus Detachment

It is normal for people to be attached to their spouses, kith and kin and to their worldly possessions like clothes and jewelry. Some can also be strongly attached to a cause. Some are more attached to a particular person, or thing. Greater the attachment, greater will be the sorrow or grief from its loss.

Detachment on the other hand comes from an understanding that nothing is everlasting and whatever we have can be taken away or lost. The less the attachment, less is the pain or sorrow from its loss.

Let us take some examples.

Noted Indian singers Jagjit Singh and Chitra Singh had a son. The son died as a young man in a vehicle accident. The tragedy completely shattered the couple. However, the effect on the two has been the same. I do not know whether Jagjit Singh has been able to overcome his grief at the loss of his son but I do know that he started singing again. But Chitra Singh, the mother, has not returned to singing. One can say that Jagjit Singh was more detached and hence could return to normal life in a shorter time.

Pandit Jawharlal Nehru, our first prime minister was founder of the "Panchsheel" movement. He was deeply attached to the principle enshrined in it. He believed in it sufficiently to almost turn the Indian Army into an obsolescent ceremonial force. So when the Chinese attacked India in 1962 and shattered his beliefs and credibility, he died a heart broken man.

The simple fact is that more attached is a person to a person or thing, the more effected will he be with its loss and vice versa. So to be happy, you must practice detachment so that you can take tragedies in your stride.

I am not saying that you should not love your kith and kin or do not take due care of your possessions. You must do both. At the same time you must respect the laws of life. All that is born must die. All those who work must retire. The chick of an eagle will grow and fly away from the nest. The tiger cub will go out to hunt. The man child will also go out into the world to seek his destiny. Intensity and content of relationships will change with age and time. The young will grow old and beauty and virility will reduce with age.

Man is powerless in the face of nature and we can loose all in a matter of minutes at the time of natural calamities. Victims of disasters like the Tsunami, hurricane, earthquakes, floods and smaller tragedies like fires or accidents will readily testify to that. One can loose ones parents, children, money and all earthly possessions due to natural or man made calamities. In spite of everything, life goes on.

Those who seek happiness must have the mental strength to overcome all losses and tragedies and to lead a positive life. That requires an element of detachment rather than attachment.

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If There is Day, There will be Night & Traffic Lights are a Part of Life

If you have ever driven a car in a city, you would know that traffic is never smooth. There are traffic lights that stop you and traffic congestions that slow you down. Our journey through life is like a journey by car through a city. There are good times when whatever we do seems to succeed. There are times when every thing that we do seems to go wrong.

When I look at my own life, this seems to be true. When I moved to Alwar I did not have a job. I was paying a house rent of Rs 4000 out of a pension of Rs 5000. My wife took up the job of an executive housekeeper in a hotel. But I could not get a job in spite of all my efforts. The red light was on. Then one day I went to attend the wedding of my friend's daughter in Delhi. There I met another friend who asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was looking for a job. He promised to help me get a job. In a few months I was the team leader on a World Bank Project for rehabilitation of earthquake affected people of Latur with a handsome salary, car and furnished flat. The light had switched to green.

So when there is a red light on our road of life it is unproductive to be angry, depressed or impatient. We must be patient and keep trying to move ahead. Sooner or later the light will turn green and we will be on our way till the next red light comes. The important thing is to be patient and to keep trying.

Some times sun shines on our life. We are in good health. We have a good income. Our parents, children, friends and relatives are doing well. We are happy. But can it last for ever? We live in a world where day is followed by night. Sooner or later night will come. We can fall ill. We can loose near and dear ones. We can suffer financial losses. The sunshine goes out of our life and night sets in. It is human to feel sorrow and pain. It is human to feel disheartened and unhappy. But we should not loose heart or faith. We must think positively. Summer nights are short. Winter nights are long and cold. But the night will end and the sun will shine again. We must learn to cope with the nights and prepare for the day to come.

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Planning is the Key to Success

Whenever we have to do something, we plan. Some times we plan consciously. At other times we plan unconsciously. Let us take an example. You and your wife have to attend a friend's marriage. What does it involve? What present to give? How much to spend? When to buy? Select present alone or with wife? What is wife to wear? Does she have to go to the locker or beauty parlor? If so when? What are you going to wear? Does it have to be pressed? If so when? When do you reach? How do you travel? What time must you start? Do you have to take time off from office?

If you do not plan properly, things will go wrong. You will not reach in time. Wife will be angry. The fun will be spoilt. To have a happy hassle free life, we have to plan. The more detailed the planning, the smoother is the operation and greater the degree of satisfaction. Each individual must plan his week and day. If possible he must plan for the month or the year.

We must know what we have to do. It is essential to list out tasks for the day. It is desirable to maintain a running list on which we score out tasks, which are finished and add new ones. The list can be on computer. The list should include both personal and official matter and also instructions to be issued.

**We must know what to do first**.

There will be a number of things to be done every day. Hence it is important to decide which should be done first. Some guidelines, which should be considered, are given in the succeeding paragraphs.

We should issue instructions and distribute work to others first and attend to your own tasks later. This gives others more time to be ready.

Keep deadlines, time for meetings in mind while deciding priorities. Deadlines must be met. If it is not possible to keep deadlines, the authorities must be informed in time so that they can take appropriate action.

Creative work should be done when your mind is fresh and not under stress

**We must plan how to do it**.

Next, it is necessary to plan how to do it. If you are thinking of cooking for guests, you must calculate number of guests, decide on the menu, and check if the ingredients are available, plan shopping and cooking schedules. You have to see whether you can manage by yourself or you are going to get some help. Every activity we want to do require resources, men, money, machines, materials and time and we must plan for providing the resources.

Time Planning

This is most important. You must be able to assess time required for different activities and ensure that the task can be completed in the time available. If more time is required, we must check if additional time can be created. If adequate time is not available, some assistance may be required. Some times the plan may have to be aborted due to inadequacy of time.

Financial Planning

One must plan money requirements. It is necessary to prepare a budget for expenditure likely to be incurred during the month or for occasions like parties, marriages, visits to relatives or while going on holidays. Financial planning is most important for those who do not have too much of money.

Conclusion

If you want to be happy, you must learn to plan and take control of your life and activities. Or you must be lucky enough to have a spouse or secretary who can do it for you.

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Change is Inevitable

Our world is constantly changing. From infants we became children. From children we became adolescents. From adolescent we became young men and women. We pursue careers, get married and raise a family. Days pass. There are changes in the workplace. Children grow up and go out into their own world. We grow old. Some retire. Some lose their loved ones. A time comes when we become dependant on others and wait for death to come and end our miseries.

Our relationships change. A girl friend becomes wife and a carefree casual relationship becomes a 24 x 7 relationship full of responsibilities and obligations. Early into marriage is fun time. It is getting to know each other, having fun and enjoying sex. Then the children come and the relation between husband and wife becomes different. The focus of life changes from having fun to caring and providing for the children. When children grow up and start working, they cease to be dependant on us. They seek to live their lives on their own terms. The parents have to become less of guardians and more of friends. We return to the honey moon days. Then we grow old and frail and become dependant on the children. Life turns a full cycle.

Our values change. When one is young one tends to be idealistic. We cry out against corruption, nepotism and injustice. But slowly we start getting corrupt. Some of us start copying in examinations. Some of pay bribes to get a job. We start paying speed money to get things done. Some of us demand money to do our duty. Others are happy to accept the laid down percentage or cutback. Some of us use our wives to progress our careers. Some indulge in adultery or wife swapping.

Our attitudes change. When we are young we fight for a cause or a friend without much thought with regard to the consequences. As we grow older, we become more cautious. We learn to evaluate consequences. Sachin Tendulkar, our famed cricketer and "master blaster" did not blast any more at the end of his career. He kept poking around in search of his world record making century for a long time. We hesitate to go to the aid of victims of accident or a woman being teased.

Our circumstances change. As a chief engineer, I had an office car and my wife had an office car whenever she needed one. We had two orderlies, one washer man, one gardener, one cook and two drivers to do the house hold chores. Then I retired. There was no body to help. I take a canvas bag and get vegetable, fruits and stuff when these things are needed. My monthly income dropped and so did the perks.

Our physical capabilities change. Whether it is love making, playing games, ability to work long hours or cope with stress, our capabilities reduce with age. Some of us become physically handicapped. My father has lost his eye sight and had a hip bone replacement. But life goes on till death comes.

If we want to be happy we must accept that change is inevitable. We must learn to adjust to the changes and change our lifestyle accordingly without feeling any bitterness.

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Marriage should be for Ever

If we want to be happy, we must make our marriage work. We must understand and accept that marriage is a very difficult relationship. It is a 24 x 7 relationship and there is no place to hide. Two people with different dreams and aspirations, likes and dislike, living together is bound to be difficult. But it can be most enjoyable if we understand the relationship and play by the rules.

Marriage is a commitment. It is a commitment to love and cherish each other in happiness and in sorrow, in sickness and in health and to support each other in achieving their goals. Whether it is a love marriage or an arranged marriage, this commitment is central to the success of any marriage.

Marriage is not for sex but for raising families. In today's society, it is not necessary to marry to have the license to have sex. If one does not want to take the responsibility of raising a family, what is the point in marrying? Living together or single has become quite acceptable in our society. Marriage is a life long relationship in which sexual ardour gives way to a comfortable companionship.

Marriage requires space to do ones own thing. The husband and the wife may have different goals, interest and friends. My wife is fond of movies, I have no interest in them. She likes to watch TV serials whereas I like to watch sports and news channels. I love to play bridge but she doesn't. She has her own circle of friends and I have mine. But we have learnt to let each other have time to do what they want. We also find time to do things together like going for walks, meeting common friends, eating out, gardening, traveling and spending time with children and grand children. A happy marriage requires the partners to develop their own interest and not depend too much on each other to spend time meaningfully.

Marriage is a compromise. Some times you have to give up your career. My daughter gave up her job as a manager in Citibank to become a housewife to make her marriage more stress free and to bring up the children. We have to compromise on our food habits, the way we dress, how we spend our time. It is however important to understand that it is not correct to expect one partner to make all the sacrifices or adjustment. That is unlikely to work.

Fidelity is important. Without fidelity marriage is meaningless. One may be forced to accept infidelity on the part of ones partner due to lack of financial independence or family support but it is very demeaning. The seven year itch, flirty thirties and naughty forties, falling prey to temptation or seduction cannot be justified on any account. Infidelity must be avoided at all cost. The easiest way of doing so is to avoid being alone with those for whom you have desire or fantasy.

Mutual respect is essential for a successful marriage. Marriage is a relationship of equals and not that of a master and a maid. It is important to consult each other before taking important decisions. It also helps if one can specify the areas of decision making. Like in our house, my wife takes all decision regarding running the household matters and I take decisions about outside matters. We consult each other and take suggestions. But the final decision rest with the spouse with the jurisdiction.

Marriage has many enemies. We need to recognize them and guard against them.

Neglecting or taking your partner for granted is one of the most common enemies of marriage. It is a common reason for partners straying out of the path of fidelity. Partners must make efforts to maintain their bodies, ensure proper grooming and try to look attractive to each other. It is important to enjoy sex with each other and to be active partners.

There is a saying "Variety is the spice of life and jealousy is the spice of wife". I do not agree with it. Jealousy is bad for marriage. Marriage is founded on trust. There is an old saying, "If you love someone, let him or her go. If he or she returns, the love is true. If they don't, there was never any love. Infidelity has never been averted by jealous ranting. In fact it can push mild flirtation into serious relationship. I recommend that you read a short story called "The Necklace" written by Leo Tolstoy.

Nagging is perhaps the most devastating enemy of marriage. Nagging is the process of going on repeating the same requirement or complaint over and over again till the partner buys peace by giving in. Naggers win many battles between spouses. But they often loose the war or in other words their marriage.

Selfishness is another enemy of marriage. One partner cannot have his or her way all the time. Marriage is about sharing and caring and not about taking and dominating. The spouses must understand each others needs and try their best to fulfill them.

Boredom is another enemy of marriage. Life tends to fall into a monotonous routine and the partners start looking for excitement to spice up their life. Small things like giving each other presents or treats, going on holidays with out children (We have had dozens of honeymoons in our 50 years of marriage) add spice to ones marriage and keeps it fresh and everlasting.

Sympathy for the opposite sex is a major enemy of marriage. One is bound to come across colleagues, friends and relatives of the opposite sex who are in distress due to broken marriage, financial or physical tragedies or ill health. It is noble and desirable to be sympathetic and helpful. But it is also worth remembering that it takes one moment of indiscretion to develop physical intimacy and betray the trust of the spouse. The answer is that both spouses are equally involved and opportunities for physical intimacy are carefully shunned. Unescorted meetings must be avoided.

In spite of all that I have said before, some marriages are doomed to fail. A cousin of mine, when in her early teens, fell in love with a boy and ran away with him. I have never understood what she saw in the boy, a good for nothing loafer without a job or business to support his family. After one child, 15 years of fighting and domestic violence she has finally said good bye to her marriage. I hope she will get over the trauma and find happiness.

Life can never be totally free of difficulties and tragedies. Broken marriages are just one of such possible tragedies. To be happy we must have the will and the spirit to fight and overcome them.

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Communication is the Key

Learning to communicate effectively is an essential step to happiness. The ability to communicate effectively is important for happiness for three reasons: It enables us to explain to others what we want. It enables us to build relationships and make friends. It enables us to communicate without creating conflict.

We are happy when our needs or expectations are fulfilled. Conversely we are unhappy when we do not get what we want. Simple, isn't it? But how do others know what we need and what we want. Have we told them what we like, what we don't? Have we told them what we want? Some times we hesitate to be frank. In the army it is very important to be punctual not only when reporting for duty but even for parties. I told my wife of the requirement. I told her that I would have to go without her to parties if she was late in getting ready. She understood and we never had that problem. I get very upset if any one pesters me to have more helpings of food than what I want to eat. So immediately after marriage I told my wife to explain this to her family members. They understood and unpleasantness was avoided. My wife says that cigarette smoke suffocates her. So I do not smoke in the house and request my friends not to do so.

We cannot build relationships without effective communications. We must learn to appreciate people. We must learn to wish people, to give a smile when we meet them and to ask about their welfare. (Positive strokes). We must learn the art of small talk, of talking about weather, sports events and avoid discussions on politics, religion and other controversial topics except with those who share your views or belong to the same party. We can ignore people or be rude to them at our own peril. One gentleman in our colony either ignored his neighbours or was rude to them. He invited sixty people to the funeral feast of his wife. Only four turned up.

We must learn to communicate with people without creating conflict. Learning about transactional analysis will help ("I am OK, You are OK" and "Born to Win" are good reading."). But without going into details of analysis of parent, adult and child states one can remember the tips given in succeeding paragraphs.

Do not sermonize when someone is seeking sympathy. When a child falls, the mother does not blame the child but the floor. The best path is to avoid sermonizing all together.

Cold logic does not work with emotional people. If one cannot share the sentiments, a silent exit on some pretext may be the next best option.

Don't be a spoil sport when people are partying or having fun. You can always withdraw on some pretext.

Do not try to impose your will on others. Agreeing to disagree is a good method of ending an argument and avoiding conflict. I have told a friend of mine that if he valued our friendship, politics is a topic we must avoid.

Some dos and don'ts for effective communications are given in succeeding paragraphs.

We must learn to listen. Communication is a two way process. If you do not listen carefully, communication will not be effective.

Mind your tone. Unpalatable things if said in a proper tone are more acceptable than when said in anger, or apathy. Avoid sarcasm. Sarcasm is not wit. It invites resentment and conflict.

Mind your body language. Body language should match what you say. People are not dumb. Body language is more truthful than words.

Do not criticize others. It is never helpful. It is alright to correct your children or subordinates, even your wife, parents or others when they do some thing wrong. But such counseling should be done in private. Do not criticize others when they are not present. This is a popular pastime but invariably leads to conflict.

Do not discuss things when you are angry. Avoid discussions till you have cooled down.

Do not go on repeating the same thing over and over again. That is nagging. Nagging is perhaps the most irritating and destructive form of communication.

Do not say, "I told you so". It can only create antagonism.

Do not boast. If you are good or rich, others would certainly know about it. Humility helps in building relations.

There is an old saying, "Keep your words soft and sweet. You do not know when you may have to eat them".

Some of us are not very good at expressing our love, affection or regards for a person. Others consider sending greetings or gifts on birthdays, anniversaries, new year, festivals etc mundane and unimportant. But these little gestures are important. Sending or giving them is like poring water on the flowerbed of relationships. Without these, relationships do not flourish.

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Seek and Thou Shall Find

It is said that when we want something very badly we normally get it. If you seek money, the chances are that you will be rich. If you seek power, the chances are that you will have power either as a politician, policeman or bureaucrat. If you seek the pleasure of your senses, the chances are that you will have all the wine and women you want. If you seek happiness, happiness will you find. There is one condition. You will have to work very hard, avail of every opportunity to further your goal and use every trick in the trade to achieve it. Only then can you achieve your goal with a bit of luck or the blessing of God.

Life is a series of trade offs. Nothing comes for free. Sacrifices will have to be made to get what you want. Mrs. Indira Gandhi, arguably the most popular prime minister of India, wanted power and enjoyed it for most part of her life. However, she had to sacrifice a normal family life and fell to the bullets of an assassin. Maria Sharapova, the tennis player, is the richest Russian woman. But she spent her childhood away from her mother practicing tennis and doing physical training instead of playing and leading the life most children lead.

Those who seek happiness will also have to make sacrifices. They would have to do many things like temper their ambition, make compromises and among other things tread the middle path. These and other tips for action are described in Part 2 of this book.

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### Part 2: Changing our Attitude

To be happy we have to act. It is said, "God helps those who help themselves." It is therefore implied that even God cannot help those who are not willing to act to help themselves. Thus, if we want to be happy, we must act and remove obstacles to happiness. We must change our attitude and our approach to life.

This part recommends 25 steps to take you to your goal of happiness. You may have already taken some of them. You can skip those which you have already taken. I wish you the best of luck on your journey to happiness.

Step 1 Set a Goal for Your Life

A poem written by noted Indian film lyricist Mr. Javed Akhtar and used for an advertisement of a ball pen translates to something as given below:

If you have a dream, you have a goal

If you have a goal, it must be some distance away,

If it is some distance away, there must be a way to it,

If there is a way, there must be thorns and obstacles on it,

If there are thorns and obstacles on the path, we have the determination to overcome it,

Because a fighter will always prevail

I agree with all but the last line. I believe that success and failure is not always in our hand. A lot depends on our luck, destiny or the will of God. But if we do not have a goal, we cannot identify the path that can lead us there. If we do not know our destination, we can be lost. We can go round and round in circles for a hundred miles without getting anywhere and remain where we started. Life must have a goal and a purpose.

Army teaches its officers to fix ultimate and interim goals. Ultimate goal is what we want to achieve at the end of our life. A young officer joining the army may aspire to be a general. But before he can be a general, he has to do different courses, get good confidential reports and earn a number of promotions. These steps on they way to become a general are the interim goals.

One of my nephews had done his degree in commerce, a degree in information technology and a diploma in management. He was contemplating doing masters in information technology. I asked him why he wanted to do it. He said because it is the in thing and his parents wanted him to do it. I asked him if he enjoyed writing programs. He said no. I asked him what did he want? He said he wanted to get a good job. I told him to look for one. Soon he got a job to his liking and is settled.

I have a niece who was a brilliant student. She got a job with Tata Consultancy Services and became an information technology professional. She was often sent abroad for assignments and was extremely well paid. But she could not cope with the stress created by her job and had a mental breakdown. She had to leave her job and be at home and undergo psychiatric treatment. Now she is a faculty in an IT school at her home town. She gets much less money. She does not travel abroad. But she is quite happy in the security and comfort of being with her family.

I have come across many people, young and old, who do not seem to be very clear as to what they want out of life. Some are doing courses because their parents want them to be a doctor or engineer or an information technology professional. Some are doing courses because it seems to be the right thing to do or just because they are not sure as to what is the right thing to do. Very few are doing things they enjoy doing.

We cannot reach the goals of our life in one leap. We have to go through different steps or interim goals. If one wants to be a software engineer, one must pass class XII with mathematics. So passing Class XII with mathematics is an interim goal. Joining Indian Institute of Technology or some other renowned college could be the next interim goal. We have to work hard to achieve the interim goals which lead to our ultimate goals.

To set ones goal one has to determine what he wants to be and what he likes to do. To do that one must understand what is most important to him. This can be done by asking oneself some questions.

What do I really value? One can value money, power, social service, ideological cause or peace and harmony. I know a kid in my neighbourhood whose sole aim in life is to make lots and lots of money. I have seen people give up lucrative careers to join politics or do social work or even become a priest. We read about suicide bombers who are ready to die for their cause.

Why do I value it? It is necessary to understand as to why one values what he does. If we do not understand this, what we value may be just a passing whim and we may later regret the goal we set.

What is most important to me? To some it is money, to some it is power, to some it can be being able to enjoy what he is doing. To some the career is most important. To some the family is most important. To a freedom fighter, the cause is most important. To get what is most important one must be prepared to sacrifice other things.

What do we spend most time wishing for? The answer to this question helps us to be sure that what we think we want is actually what we want.

What is it that I have always wanted? The answer to this question also helps us to be sure that the goal that we are setting can lead to the fulfillment of our desire.

What is it that gives me most pleasure? The answer to this question also helps us to understand whether the goal we have set is going to give us the happiness we seek.

What do I most regret? The answer to this question gives us an understanding as to whether the goal you had set was appropriate and whether there is a need for change.

Once we know our destination we must learn how to pursue what we value most. As a child and a young man my interests were in sports, arts, literature, history and geography. But I realized that pursuit of these interests may leave me without adequate income to gain happiness. I therefore followed my father's instructions and became an engineer. However, since I was not keen on engineering, I joined the Army. I had a very happy time in the Army. There were challenges, which I loved. There were plenty of juniors who could be helped to grow. I had plenty of time to devote to my wife and children, to sleep in the afternoon, play games and pursue my hobbies. We never had much money or savings but we enjoyed life as best as we could, visiting places, driving around, dancing and partying. Then time came to hang up my boots. I needed money to remain happy and to fulfill my responsibilities. So I joined the construction industry and became a civil engineer thirty years after I graduated.

Did I plan the path I followed? Not really. I knew what I wanted, "peace and happiness". I knew that to get it I had to have enough money to meet my needs, a decent job which would give that income and enough leisure to pursue my hobbies. I got a few lucky breaks, which enabled me to earn the money I needed. I took breaks, which enabled me to pursue my interests. I knew what I wanted. I kept doors open for opportunities and took them when they came. I believe that is how it has to be. There are many roads to Rome. There are many paths to happiness. There are many crossroads on the paths. We must know what we want. We must pause at crossroads to decide what we do. A lot of pluck and a little luck will take us where we want to go.

Let me answer the questions I have posed for others to answer.

What do I really value? I value peace and harmony.

Why do I value it? I value it because I did not see too much of it in my family during my childhood.

What is most important to me? To me it is happiness.

What do we spend most time wishing for? I pray to God to give me the strength to do the right thing, to respect God, to lead a simple life, to forgive those who trespass against us, to save me from temptation, to overcome my ego, to give me marital bliss, good and happy children and grand children, success in my endeavors and enough money to meet my responsibilities.

What is it that I have always wanted? I have always wanted peace and harmony.

What is it that gives me most pleasure? I get the most pleasure in being able to help young people to grow and be happy.

What do I most regret? I regret my inability to provide my wife and children more opportunities and a better life.

To be happy we must be able to reach or at least get close to our goal. So the goal has to be achievable. If the goal is to be achievable, we must learn to set it. What we want to be and what we want from life are two inputs. The other is an assessment of our strength, weakness, opportunities and threats. In other words we should carry out a SWOT analysis.

First, let us look at our strengths. God has given some qualities and strengths to every person he has created. Some of us are handsome or beautiful. Some of us are very intelligent and good at studies. Some of us are good at games and sports and outdoor activities. Some are good speakers or orators and have knack of convincing people. Some have talent for singing or acting. We must understand our strengths and keep it mind for setting our goals.

Since we are human beings, we must also have our weaknesses. Some of us are not good looking. Some are poor at studies. Others are weak in the body or physically handicapped. In setting our goals, we must keep in mind our weaknesses. If you are weak in mathematics you should not look for a career in science or engineering. If you cannot dissect a frog, you cannot be a doctor or a nurse. If you are not good at communicating you should not try for a career in sale. We must also try to overcome our weaknesses.

Life is full of opportunities but they are not available to all of us. Some parents have lots of money to educate their children, some parents are not so lucky. Some live in cities with good education opportunities. Others live in rural areas where opportunities for higher education are non existent. We must learn to leave doors open to allow opportunities to walk in.

Life is also full of threats. Lack or shortage of money to pursue our goals is perhaps the biggest threat. Inability to compete is another. We must guard against these threats when we set our goals.

The analysis of strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats should lead us not only to set goals, but also to prepare action plans to achieve them.

Ultimate and interim goals can and will change with the progress made in battles and changes in the circumstances of life. Some of the reasons for changing interim and final goals may be due to the circumstances given in the succeeding paragraphs.

There can be change in physical condition. I know a young man who was keen on a career in the army. He met with an accident and became paralyzed below the waist. He had to change his goals. Some develop heart problems and have to look for less stressful occupation.

There can be change in financial conditions. I know a young man whose father was working with a multinational company. His father gave up his job, started his own business and lost all his money. They boy obviously had to go in for a career where cost of education was affordable.

There can be change in mental attitude or frustration. Mrs. Hillary Clinton gave up her job as Secretary of State to rest, recoup and prepare to stand for the next US Presidential election.

One may not be unable to compete. I know a boy who wanted to do business management. But he could not pass the entrance examination. So he changed to mass communication and is happy as an assistant director making television serials.

One may be unable to achieve his interim goal. I know many friends in the Army who failed to get promotion to the rank of Colonel or Brigadier and left the Army to join the industry. So he had to change his goal from becoming a general to becoming a successful executive in the private sector.

I did civil engineering. But my heart was not in engineering. I loved games and sports and an outdoor life. So I joined the army. And even though I did not become a general, I enjoyed my 28 years in the army. After retirement, my goal became to earn enough money so that I could maintain the lifestyle and standard of living that I had become used to. So I became an engineering consultant. I think I have achieved my goals in life.

For those who are young and have yet to set their goals, I recommend that you try to identify what you want to be and what you enjoy doing, identify your strengths and weaknesses and the opportunities and threats. Based on these inputs you can set your ultimate and interim goals. Then work whole heartedly to achieve it.

If you are in middle life and not happy or satisfied with what you are and what you are doing, take the same inputs and reset your goals. Once that is done, work to achieve them. May God be with you.

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Step 2 Temper your Ambition

We have seen in Step 1 that we must set a goal for our life. It is good to be ambitious when setting goals, especially when one is young. Those who are ambitious put in more effort to try to achieve their goals. If some people were not ambitious, there would not have been any progress in this world.

Does one set ones ambition? Some times yes and some times no. Many times parents try to fulfill their ambitions through their children. Some parents tend to push their children into their own professions. My father, who was an engineer, educated his five sons to be engineers. The famous tennis players Martina Hingis and Maria Sharapova were pushed by their parents into tennis academy before the age of five. Other parents tend to push their children into what they perceive as lucrative professions. It is only when children are left alone or asked to choose their careers that, young men and women can set their own ambition.

When does one set one's ambition? One can only do so when one has matured sufficiently to understand what one wants to be. Most young men and women may get a chance to set their ambitions when they finish their school or college.

Great ambition requires great effort and great sacrifices. Those who aspire to excel in any field must be willing to put in great effort. Those who seek excellence in academic fields must study for long hours. Those who seek to excel in sports must spend long hours in practicing and doing physical training. Those who start early do not have a carefree, normal childhood. Others may have to sacrifice family life.

Very few successfully achieve their ambition. To succeed one needs three things. The first requirement is intelligence and ability. These are Gods gifts. They can be squandered by lack of effort but cannot be fully supplemented by hard work. Effort can produce very good professionals or sportsmen. Effort alone cannot produce a cricketer like Sir Donald Bradman or a tennis player like Serena Williams.

The second is single minded pursuit of the ambition. This requires tremendous discipline, hard work and sacrifices. Without this God gifted talent can be wasted. A possible example is Vinod Kamli of Indian Cricket who as a school boy showed more talent than the Indian cricket legend Sachin Tendulkar but fell behind when they joined senior ranks due to lack of effort.

The third requirement is luck. Every one is not a Gandhi or a Kennedy or Bush. Field Marshall Montgomery may not have become a general if he had been in the German Army. Luck is being at the right place at the right time. Luck is having the resources required to pursue ones ambition. Luck is being in favour of the powers that be. If Dronacharya (the archery teacher in the court of the Pandavas had been impartial, Eklabya (the tribal archer and a student rival of Arjuna) may have been as good and famous a warrior as Arjuna. (Reference Mahavarata.) But luck was not on Ekalavya's side. Dronacharya tricked him into cutting off his thumb and ensured that he could not be an archer.

Failure to achieve ones ambition can lead to frustration and unhappiness. It is therefore necessary to temper ones ambition in keeping with the circumstance and realities of life. Worthwhile ambitions are never achieved in a short period of time. Those who seek happiness know when to modify their ambition if they feel that they will not be successful. They also know when to be contended and quit the rat race and enjoy the fruits of their achievements to date.

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Step 3 Give without Expectations

Being grateful is not a very common trait. Pakistan's Prime Minister Mr. Nawaz Sharief gave out of turn promotion to General Parvez Musharraf and made him the Chief of Pakistan Army. A few years later, General Parvez Musharraf staged a coup against his mentor, took over as president and banished Mr. Nawaz Sharief from the country. Thousands of Indian soldiers died while liberating Bangladesh but the government of Bangladesh under General Zia or Mrs Zia was largely inimical to India and turned a blind eye to hundreds of training camps of Indian militant organizations which are waging war on India in Bangladesh. The list of ungrateful nations and people can be very long.

We often help out others by giving money or assisting them in times of difficulty or in getting jobs. We usually expect the persons helped to return the money or to be grateful. We also expect them to help us when we need their help. But this does not always happen. I gave a nephew of mine over a hundred thousand rupees as working capital and for buying a camera. The entire amount has been spent and the camera has been sold off. Nothing has come back. Only time can tell whether the money will be returned or not. If I had given the money with the expectation that it would be returned, I would be tearing my hair in despair. He just does not earn enough to pay back. There is no way I can force him to do so. Since I never really expected him to pay it, I can take the loss in my stride.

Those in chronic financial difficulty rarely return money. Worse still, some do not like to acknowledge the assistance given.

When our expectations are not fulfilled, we tend to get frustrated and stressed. So, to be happy, it is necessary that we give without any expectation of return. That way when we do get something back, it can be a source of joy. This is particularly so when we help out relatives and friends with money or in other ways. Otherwise, relationships will sour.

If we cannot give without expectations, it is better not to give any thing at all.

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Step 4 Kill the Cat on the First Night

We are happy when people conform to our wishes and do what they are told. This will only happen if people understand that we mean what we say and will go to any length to enforce what we want. Let me give you an example. Returning late from leave is an offence in the army. A soldier coming late can be punished with 28 days imprisonment in the Indian Army. A non commissioned officer can be demoted. A junior commissioned officer or an officer can be reprimanded and loose all chances of further promotion. However, some commanding officers are a little soft. They do not like to give punishment. So in most cases, the offence is condoned. This is what used to happen in the unit where I was serving till a new commanding officer was posted. He warned everyone that he would not accept anyone coming late. The soldiers did not take him seriously. They kept coming late. He kept putting them in jail. In three days all the cells in the unit were full. "Erect an outdoor prison with tents and barbed wire", said the commanding officer. By the end of the second week the outdoor prison was full. But no one came late there after for the next three years i.e. till the commanding officer was posted out. The word was out. There was going to be zero tolerance for indiscipline. The people fell in line.

If non compliance from your spouse, children, subordinates, friends or relatives to norms of punctuality, dress code, behavior norms agitate you and make you unhappy, make it clear to all right at the beginning that these are not acceptable and will not be tolerated. Even small children test the parents resolve to see what they can get away with. They will fall in line once they know that there will be no exceptions or compromise. Let us take some examples:

If you expect your daughter in law to help in the kitchen, ask her to do so on the second if not the first day. If she does not know how to cook, do not rebuke or ridicule her or reflect on her upbringing. Teach her with loving care and the chances are that she will learn. My wife and daughter knew little about cooking when they were married. An incident comes to mind. Once, when we were newly married, my mother was not well and asked my wife to cook rice and serve food to my father. My wife cooked the rice and served my father when he came home for lunch. My father took one look at the rice and shouted for my mother. "Who cooked the rice?" he roared. My wife was terrified. "I cooked the rice" she whispered. My father cooled down. "Bring me a soup plate" he said. My wife had forgotten to drain the rice water. In spite of this disastrous beginning, my wife is today an excellent cook and so is my daughter.

A child came to our house. I was working on the computer. He came into the study and asked me to let him play a computer game. I told him that I am working and he cannot play with the computer now. He understood and left the room. I do not care if his mother did not like it. The code of conduct has to be set from the first day.

If a new employee is not briefed on the rules of a company and what is expected of him, how can he perform?

If we expect people to conform to a code of behavior in a household or a group, we must ensure that the newcomers are properly briefed on what is expected of them. This is particularly important in case of son in laws, daughter in laws, guests, new members of a club or society and new employees of an organization. If you are one of those who do not consider it important to do so or believe in giving a long rope, do not expect compliance. Then you should not be unhappy if the code or rules are broken.

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Step 5 Accept the Inevitable

Certain things are inevitable. All living things grow old and die. Non living things become unserviceable or obsolete. Living things have a relatively short life. A flower may bloom for a day. Some flowers may last a week. Most animals live between ten to thirty years. Most men live to be around eighty. Some monuments have survived thousands of years. But sooner or later all things will perish.

We will all grow and finally grow old. The young boy will grow to be a dashing young man, a portly middle aged man and finally a gaunt old man. The gawky girl will become a comely lass, an alluring woman, a pretty housewife, a portly matron and finally a tottering old woman. Our beauty, virility, sexuality will fade with age. No amount of cosmetics, skin creams, deodorants or body lotions will change or prevent the process of aging. Every moment a Snow White is born to replace the most beautiful queen. Every moment a prince is born to replace the aging king.

Glamour, virility, beauty will fade with time. Those who make being handsome or beautiful the focus of their life will not be happy for long. A younger and more handsome or beautiful person will soon take their place leaving them jealous and heartbroken.

But those who are loved for their character and personality rather than beauty need not be afraid of time. A loving and caring father or mother will be loved by their children for ever. A writer, artist, scientist, sculptor will be remembered through their works long after they are gone. Architects and engineers will be remembered by the structures and monuments they have left behind. People like mother Theresa will be remembered for their service to the poor and ailing and be loved long after they are gone.

Those who seek happiness should not seek happiness through temporary things like beauty and sensuality. They should try to spread happiness in the lives of those who are around them. In return they will be respected, trusted and loved. In the quest of happiness the selfless rather than the selfish will be the victorious.

There are other things which are equally inevitable. Our children will grow up and go their own ways. They will marry and divide their loyalty and attention between parents and their family. Some children will even neglect their parents. Maids will break glasses and dinner sets while washing or removing them. Gravy will be spilled on the table cloth. The husband will forget to bring some of the things he was asked to bring from the market or stare at beautiful young ladies. Children will play in the dirt and dirty their clothes. Neighbours will borrow things and not return them. There will be a power cut when your favourite TV program is on. Tea will be cold but the cold drink will not be cold. The list is endless. If we are going to be upset with these things you will never be happy. We must learn to take the inevitable in their stride.

Some times we or our near and dear ones suffer from serious illnesses for which there is no cure or the treatment is so costly that we cannot afford it. If we are unfortunate enough to be in this situation, we must accept pain and death as the will of God. We should not spend more money on medical treatment than we can comfortably afford. Doctors will always give hope. A person in coma can be kept alive on life support systems for years. Hospitals will be more than happy to do so as long as you can pay. So if you are faced with such a situation, do not become sentimental. Do not deny the healthy to delay the inevitable. Happiness lies in being able to accept the inevitable and allow those who are destined to die to die in peace.

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Step 6 Catch them Young

We have seen that children are a major source of happiness or unhappiness. If we want our children to be a source of happiness we must bring them up to be what we want them to be. There is a saying, "What you cannot teach a child by nine, you cannot teach him even when he is ninety." We are of course talking about values and attitudes. To instill in them the values, attitude or qualities which we desire, we have to catch them young.

If we want our children to be disciplined, we must discipline them from the very beginning. Discipline implies willingness to obey or follow instructions without question. It includes aspects like punctuality, adherence to dress code, adherence to meal timings, observing etiquette etc. Unfortunately most of us are soft on our children when they are young and allow them to do what they please. This is particularly so where there is only one child in the family or where the parents have no time for their children. Allowing a child to do what he or she wants to do without any restriction is not an expression of love but abdication of parental responsibility. Let us take an example. A boy in our neighbourhood passed matriculation in first division. His mother gave him a motor bike and lots of pocket money. They boy got into company of spoiled kids of rich parents. He started drinking and stopped studying. His mother was working and staying at a different city. When informed about her son's lifestyle, she indulgently observed that her son's behavior was normal for boys of his age. The boy and his friends got drunk at a school function, abused the Principal and got thrown out of school. He could not pass his higher secondary school examination. The mother could be indifferent to the result of her indulgence but she could not be happy with the result.

Disciplining children does not mean beating them. It requires consistent enforcement of dos and don'ts through reprimand and minor punishments like standing in a corner facing the wall or not allowing them to play or do their favourite things. Punishment should be given in private and never in front of friends or other siblings. At the end of a punishment the child must be hugged so that he feels that he is loved and has been forgiven.

We must help our children in developing healthy attitudes which would stand them in good stead when they become adults. Some of the qualities or attitudes which we must inculcate in our children are discussed in the succeeding paragraphs:

Children must learn to respect elders. The children must be trained to be polite and respectful when dealing with elders, even if they are servants, drivers etc. They must also learn to respect all human beings. The children must be taught not to look down on the poor and those who serve us. They should be taught to respect human dignity.

Children must be taught to respect value of money. The children must not be given whatever and whenever they want even if the parents can afford it. Pandering to their demands can be delayed or aborted to inculcate value of money and importance of need based spending.

Children must be encourages to be open and transparent. The children must be encouraged to be open about what they are doing and frank about their relationships and problems. The parents must learn to guide their children with out being acrimonious and overbearing.

Children must be taught tolerance of contrary views. The children must be taught tolerance of religious and political differences. They should be also taught to respect difference of opinions on all topics.

Children must be encouraged to fight bullies. My wife always told our children not to come home and tell her that some one has bullied them. Children must learn to fight back and hold their own against adversary.

Children must realize that we win some and loose some. The children must be encouraged to play both indoor and outdoor games. They must also learn that winning and loosing is not important. We win some and loose some. The better player should win. We must try hard to win. But if we loose, it is all right. We try to improve and do better next time.

Children must be encouraged to be honesty. We must encourage our children not to tell lies, to own up mistakes and not to steal. They should not be allowed to cheat to win.

If we want them to be sportsmen or women, we must encourage them to play games and lead an active life. It is easier to learn games when one is young.

We must try to ensure that our children do not fall prey to addictive and wasteful habits like watching TV for long hours, constantly playing computer or video games, having alcoholic drinks or drugs. We must try our best to ensure that they are not in undesirable company and learn to withstand peer pressure.

Whatever we do, we must bring up our children to be worthy citizens of the world. We must find time to be with the children, to share our and their joys and sorrows. We must assure them of our unconditional love and support. If you neglect children and they become failures or delinquent, you will never have happiness.

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Step 7 Take Care of Your Health

You cannot be happy unless you are in good health. Many of us may think that good health is a gift of God. It is partly true. Only hereditary diseases or injuries in accidents can be attributed to God. But like most gifts of God, we must earn it. If one is born healthy and does not remain healthy, it is likely that the fault is with us. We have failed to preserve God's gift through our neglect and unhealthy life style.

Good health is a function of many factors. Genetics, life style, eating habits, our environment and our stress factor have a role to play. It is not possible to pin point any one factor as a cause of the state of our health.

Genetics has some influence on our health. Medical research has shown that there is a strong probability of some diseases like diabetes and heart diseases being passed from parents to children. But that should not deter us from living a normal life. But we must look for early symptoms and get ourselves tested regularly to detect any disease at an early stage so that problems if any can be cured or controlled.

A healthy life style is difficult to achieve in today's environment. Children do not get play grounds to play. They spend long hours doing homework or watching TV. They often do not get adequate physical exercise to be physically strong. Our life style also depends on our profession. Those working in call centres, IT professionals and most executives have long working hours in a chair bound air conditioned environments. They have little physical activity. With couples working and having little time to cook, they rely on pre-cooked foods, fast foods and junk food. A few indulge in excessive drinking or smoking or even use drugs. Thus modern life styles are not conducive to good health. A special effort has to be made to avoid excesses, junk food and get adequate physical exercise. To get exercise one can walk some distance to the office and climb staircases instead of taking lifts.

We need to develop good eating habits. Heavy breakfast, light lunch and lighter dinner is the ideal eating pattern. We need to have a balanced diet of proteins, carbohydrates and fats. We also need to take adequate fruits and vegetables to get the vitamins, minerals and roughage that we need. Junk food should be an occasional treat. Most foods we really love are not good for our health. But that should not prevent us from indulging ourselves with them, once in a while.

Our environment has an effect on our health. Those who live in metros or cities are likely to be affected by the pollution and have respiratory diseases. Those who work in mines and chemical industries are likely to be effected by the corrosive environment. Those who work in nuclear facilities run the risk of exposure to radiation. Use of excessive chemical fertilizers and pesticides has poisoned many of the fruits and vegetables that we eat. Safe drinking water is a serious problem for most of us. Many infectious diseases are prevalent in our environment. We must be aware of the threats posed by the environment we live in and take every precaution that we can to minimize its effect. Wearing of masks, use of radiation dose meters and learning about and taking antidotes can reduce the harmful effects of our environment to acceptable limits. Proper vaccination can protect us from diseases. Thorough washing of fruits and vegetables, avoiding eating from open stalls, reducing fly and mosquito menace and good personal hygiene can improve our state of health.

Stress is perhaps the greatest killer in our society. Stress can be physical, social and emotional. The need to succeed, to compete, to meet our financial obligations and to keep up with the Joneses often creates stresses which our body and mind cannot take. The result is heart problems and psychological disorders and in extreme cases in suicidal tendencies. We need to accept our limitations and set goals accordingly. We must learn that success and failure can be beyond our control and that we win some and loose some. A healthy philosophy of life can help in leading a healthy life. We must also learn to relieve stress. Some simple methods are exercising or playing games and working up a good sweat, doing things that you enjoy doing like listening to music, seeing movies, indulging in hobbies and being with people you love and whose company you enjoy.

We must understand our body and be able to correctly decide when we can take an over the counter medicine and when we should see a doctor. A serious disease if detected in time can be easily treated but if neglected can be life threatening. Some symptoms which you should refer to a competent doctor are given below.

Breathing difficulty, particularly at night or with normal activity must be referred to a doctor. It is a sign that the arteries of your heart are partially blocked and you may need angioplasty. Blacking out when you stand up from a sitting should also be referred to a doctor. It could be a sign of high blood pressure or severe weakness. If small wounds not healing quickly then it could indicate that you have developed diabetes. Unexplained weight loss or constant lack of appetite and abdominal or stomach pains should also be referrer to a doctor. If illnesses like diabetes, asthma, blood cholesterol not responding to medicine, you could be having a thyroid problem. Low backache could be due to kidney problem.

The above list is by no means exhaustive. Many more can be picked up from discussions with friends and relatives, reading or listening to TV programs. Periodic medical checkup after forty is a must.

We also have to understand about safe practices and take safety precautions to guard against accidents and injuries. Simple things like not wearing synthetic clothes in kitchen, turning off the gas after cooking, avoiding over speeding while driving, not driving after drinks, not bathing or swimming in unknown or dangerous waters etc can prevent serious accidents and injuries.

I do not believe in dogmas like drinking, smoking, eating non vegetarian food, red meat, butter and sweets are bad for health. Anything which is done in moderation is unlikely to cause serious harm to our body. The stresses developed by not indulging in what we are used to and enjoy can be more harmful. I also believe that there are many roads to good health. Yoga and meditation are some of them. My wife does yoga and has benefited from it. I have also taken it up seriously and enjoy good health. Allopathy, Homoeopathy and Ayurveda are different forms of medicine. When prescribed by knowledgeable persons, they all cure diseases. Homoeopathy and Ayurveda are generally less expensive. I believe in them but one can use any system of medicine and some times a combination. Feel free to choose your own.

As per me, the path to good health lies in developing a healthy routine. We should develop healthy eating habits but do not deny yourself of your favourite dishes. We must exercise. We must learn to deal with stress. We should drink in moderation if we must. We must learn to observe safe practices

Life style change is only necessary if our lifestyle has been bad in the first place. Even then I feel that drastic change is counter productive as it stresses the individual. A gradual modification to meet the requirement of ones physical condition whether caused by aging or disease is perhaps a better path to health and happiness. Even if we do all that the doctors and saints want us to do, we are not going to live for ever. So why not do what we enjoy and want to do, live happy and die happy.

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Step 8 Be Proactive

If you want to be happy, be proactive. Do not wait for things to happen. Try to make them happen. If you want to play bridge, you have to find a foursome. If you love some one, tell him or her about it. (If it is not appropriate to do so like if the person is already married or from a different strata of society, fall out of love as soon as you can.) If you want to eat a special dish, either you have to ask your wife or cook to cook it, cook it yourself or go and eat the dish at the restaurant. To get whatever you want you have to make an effort.

Do not wait for things to go wrong or a crisis to develop. Monitor activities, and budget expenditure. Anticipate problems and deal with them promptly. Nip problems in the bud. Anticipate cash shortage and control expenditure or arranging loan. Anticipate site problems and visit site and client to ensure things are fine. On noticing slippage in targets at the workplace, investigate reasons and take corrective action to achieve deadlines or doing damage control

If we notice lack of motivation or morale in spouse, children or staff, investigate reasons, discuss and resolve problem. We should notice problems connected with our health or the health of the members of our family and see a doctor. We should notice the moods of our spouse, parents and children and if mood is not good find out the reason and take action to improve it.

However, do not be impatient. People are not going to always appreciate our impatience or accede to our wishes. So to maintain harmony, we may have to wait for others to respond. Do so with grace and without rancour. Where possible do your own thing at your convenience.

People who want to be happy must learn how to get what they want and to solve problems which are likely to reduce their happiness.

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Step 9 Develop an Attitude of Gratitude

We cannot live in this world without the help of others. We depend upon our parents and teachers when we are young. We depend on wives for most things we need during our married life. We depend on the postman for delivery of our letters, the newspaper delivery boy for the news papers, milkman for the milk and so on. Without these poor daily bread earners we would be running from pillar to post to organize our daily needs. Then there are people like the nurse in the hospital, the waiter in the restaurant, the sales girl at the counter, the sweeper who sweeps the street or removes the garbage, whose attention and attitude can be the difference between a pleasant or irritating experience. Most of the time we take such people for granted.

I suggest that we show a little gratitude to those who make our life easier. We can say thank you when it is appropriate, address them politely when talking to elderly people, smile and use polite language when telling them what we want them to do. I can tell you from personal experience that courtesy begets courtesy and expression of gratitude to those who serve will go a long way in ensuring that you get the best of service. You cannot be happy if you do not get good service.

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Step 10 Do not Look Back at the Past with Regret

I have come across many people who are unhappy with their past. They are always lamenting. Some keep cribbing that they would have been better off if they had a different job, if they had not listened to his spouse or friend. Some wish they had not invested in the share market. Some whish they had been more careful their purse, credit card or other possessions. Some regret betting on fast women and slow horses. Unless you are one of those who derive a lot of pleasure out of cribbing and blaming others for your misfortunes, cribbing or lamenting is not going to make us happy.

We are human. We all make mistakes or errors of judgment. I have lost money in the share market. My pocket has been picked. It is pointless lamenting about the past. It can only make us unhappy.

But we must learn to look at the past without regret. We need to analyze our mistakes and learn from them so that we do not repeat them. Let us take an example. I failed to get along with most of my bosses. I kept resigning from companies. In 2001to 2002, I resigned three jobs in about a years time. Then I started to think that may be there were some problems with me. So I analyzed why I was unable to get along and found that: my standards of acceptable quality ware higher than theirs. The pace of change that I wanted was too fast for my bosses. They did not like my telling them they were wrong.

I realized that they were the owners of the companies and had the right to do things their way. If I was going to work in any organization, I would have to respect the wishes of my bosses. It took me forty years to realize this. I could have done much better at the workplace if I had realized this earlier. But it is better late than never. With the change in attitude, (it is his money, he can do what he likes with it), I am much happier at the workplace.

I lost half my retirement benefit on the stock market in 1992 scam. I made serious mistakes of judgment and lost the money. I do not lament the loss. I made a mistake and paid for it. I have just decided not to try to earn money through speculation but earn it by working on a job.

If looking back with regret is retrograde, not learning from mistakes can be disastrous. We must look back at the past and analyze our mistakes. That way we can ensure that we do not repeat our mistakes and suffer trauma or loss. That will certainly help us to be happy.

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Step 11 Improve your Effectiveness

Do we know what effectiveness is? There are many definitions of effectiveness. A simple one is "The ability to consistently produce desired results." The question that follows is what are desired results? This has to be seen from different angles. At home it is being able to satisfy the spouse, parents and children. At the work place it implies being able to satisfy the clients and company's needs.

Within the family desired results can mean being able to meet the needs and expectations of the members of the family. For the bread earner it can mean earning enough money and producing money when it is needed. For parents it is being able to protect, support and guide the children. For a house wife it can mean producing good food, good housekeeping and so on. For children it can mean being good at studies, disciplined, successful, loving and caring.

At the workplace desired results can be completely different. Here effectiveness has to be seen from the clients and company's needs. The results must satisfy the client's needs. Outputs should be as per agreed time schedule. Outputs should be as per terms of reference or specifications laid down. Outputs must be of expected quality in terms of accuracy and presentability. Outputs should be within the budget. The results that satisfy the company's needs are those that produce desired profit; produce desired image and produce desired growth.

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Improving our effectiveness has four aspects, namely physical aspects, mental aspects, spiritual aspects and socio-emotional aspects. Physical aspects deal with improving our physical fitness, health and endurance. It can mean bringing our weight under control. Healthy eating and physical exercise are key to achieving it. It can also mean taking care to be better groomed and dressed. It is easy to be happy when you look good and feel good.

Mental aspects deal with developing traits like courage, consideration, integrity. Essentially we need to be mentally strong so that we can face danger, remain calm and collected in a crisis. Mental aspects will also include improving and updating professional knowledge, general awareness, forecasting and planning ability and so on.

On the spiritual side we need to develop a healthy philosophy. A healthy philosophy helps us to cope with ups and downs of life. It also enables us to be more patient, tolerant and forgiving.

Socio–emotional development helps us to develop loyalty for our family, our organization and feeling for others.

Another way of looking at improving our effectiveness is improving three things namely knowledge, skills and attitude. Improving knowledge is essential to improving our effectiveness. Sound professional knowledge is essential to succeed at the workplace. As head of the household we need to have a working knowledge of taxation, management of finance, book keeping, conflict management, first aid and many other things. As parents we need to know enough about our environment to be able to help and guide our children.

We also need to develop our skills. But first let us try to understand what skill is. Skill is the ability to apply knowledge to accomplish a task.

Attitude is what we want or like. Unfortunately, what we want or like may not be in the best interest of the people concerned or the job at hand. We need to improve the following aspects of our attitude to meet the needs at home and the workplace:

Collective Responsibility. Executives are individually and severally (collectively) responsible for the performance of the company. Members of a family are collectively responsible for maintaining, harmony, cleanliness and orderliness of the household. Shifting responsibility and blaming one another will not help. We must learn to work together as a team.

Time Discipline. Appointments and deadlines must be honoured at all cost. The tendency to leave things for the last moment and being late for appointments must be curbed.

Financial Discipline. All members of the family must aim to live within the means. Wasteful expenditure must be avoided. Purchases should be need based and not to impress friends and relatives. Shopping should not become an obsession.

Resolution of Difference. Differences will be there between the views of the members of a family or an organization. These differences must be discussed between members and ideally consensus must prevail. If that is not possible, the views of the head of the family must prevail. There should not be any bickering or sulking and collective decisions must be whole heartedly implemented without any reservations.

Let us try to understand the difference between knowledge, skill and attitude. When preparing a building plan the knowledge required is of building laws and user requirement. Skill required is to be able to produce a plan acceptable to the client. Attitude which contribute to the task could be building laws must be followed and designs should be environment friendly.

When playing football the knowledge required are rules of the game, the skills required are kicking, trapping, dribbling. Attitude could be play fair and may the better team win.

For the task of preparing a dish the knowledge required is the recipe, the skill required is to use the ingredients properly to produce a delicious dish. Relevant attitudes could be loving care, the desire to please and a love for cooking.

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Step 12 Be Internally Driven rather than Externally Driven

Some of us are externally driven. They are always watching what their neighbours, friends and relatives are doing and trying to out do them. Some buy a car, fridge, TV or dress because their neighbours, friends or relatives have bought one. Some Have a new hair style because their neighbours, friends and relatives have got one. Some force their children into a course or career against their wishes because their neighbours, friends and relatives children are doing a similar course. Some giving parties because their neighbours, friends and relatives have given one.

Alternately some of us are not doing things because they feel that what they are doing will be criticized by others. We do not wear dresses which we want to wear because we are not sure that others will approve. We do not wearing glasses because it will spoil our appearance. We do not going to the doctor when one should because others will know we have a problem. We do not go on a diet when it is necessary because others will make fun or pass sarcastic remarks.

To be happy we must do what we want to do and to live the way we want to live. We must remember that we are all different. We come from different backgrounds and have different incomes. Our situations are different. Our needs are different. We must do things because you want or need to do them and not to keep up with the Joneses or because of what others may say.

However, being internally driven does not mean defying social norms or etiquettes. Nor does it mean a license to act in a way that will antagonize the neighbours or the society. It also does not mean that we should throw garbage on the street or degrade the environment. Doing our own thing should also not be flouted as an act of arrogance or superiority. Being internally driven means willingness to take decisions and act in matters which are private in nature.

We should choose our life partners. If we are really in love, we should not be deterred by considerations of cast or religion. However, the objections of parents should be given cool and careful consideration and accepted without fear of loss of face or damage to ego if there is sufficient merit in the objections.

We should choose our friends. Choosing friends should be on considerations of compatibility and not based on social strata or caste or religious consideration. However, objections of parents and spouse must be given careful consideration. It would be prudent to terminate friendships which bring unhappiness due to any reason what so ever.

We should choose our careers and place of work. Choosing a career and place of work must be based on consideration of income, growth and job satisfaction. Spouse should be consulted.

We should choose our hobbies. This is the prerogative of an individual. However, it should not inconvenience the family. We should choose what we wear and eat or drink. This is also the prerogative of an individual. However, it should not inconvenience the family. We should choose what we do with our time. Some times there is peer pressure not to study. Some times there is pressure from relatives or friends to attend functions or partake in activities which do not contribute to your goals. Such pressure should be rejected.

When you are internally driven, you do things or take decisions on your own. This includes doing things to please others or maintain harmony. Not smoking if someone objects is an example. Thus, we are never under stress caused by being forced to do things against your will.

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Step 13 Let Off Steam When You Can

Our mind is like a pressure cooker. When we do things against our wishes, the pressure begins to increase. We are under pressure at the workplace to compete and to perform. We are some times under pressure from peers or the family to earn more, to spend more, to party more. We may be under pressure because our children are not performing well. We may be under pressure because we are unable to eat our favourite dishes because of doctor's orders. We may be under pressure because we have given in to the demands of children, spouse or friends against our wishes. We may be under pressure because of many other problems.

When these various types of pressures keep adding up, an explosive situation builds up within our self. We become irritable. The more the pressure builds up, the more irritable and excitable we become. In such a situation, a minor issue can lead to an outburst or an altercation which we may later regret. To avoid such situation we must learn to let off steam when we can. Some of the things we can try are to say no to doing what we do not want to do. We can relieve the stress and tension building inside ourselves by having a binge. If we do not have any health problems, we can sweat out your troubles. I remember a day when as a young officer we were unjustly reprimanded by our senior. We were very angry and upset. Then we went for games. After 90 minutes of football, the rancour had evaporated.

Find yourself a confidante and tell him or her of your troubles and cry over his or her shoulder if it relieves the pressure. Not being able to share ones woes and fears increases the pressure. Take a break if possible and do what you enjoy doing. Couples may like to take separate holidays once in a while. If you are agitated, have a minor argument or fight early and do not allow the situation to worsen till it becomes an all out war.

To be happy, we must learn to let off steam and not let stress get the better of us.

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Step 14 Let Head Rule the Heart

Human beings have certain basic instincts. Most of us want to get rich quick even using unfair or unethical means. Some can hurt or kill when they are in a fit of rage. Many have sex outside marriage. There are very few who, at some time or the other, have not told a lie, picked up something that was not theirs, pocketed money which does not belong to them or felt like having sex with partners who are not their spouses. Many advertisements, novels, films and television programs seek to arouse our basic instincts. But we are not animals. We need to guard these things.

Our heart is not reasonable. It is never satisfied. It is hungry for gratification of its desires. It does not count costs or inconvenience caused to others. A spouse who has sex outside marriage and contacts AIDS did not consider the consequences. A man who spends all his earnings on liquor or drugs or on a roll of the dice and neglects his wife and children did not consider its consequences. A drunken person who drives and kills a person did not think of the consequences. A school or college girls who has sex for money and lands with aids or in jail did not think of the consequences.

It has been said that "one hour of glorious life is worth an age without the name". Many rapists who are spending their life in prison may have been inspired by the infamous quote. But the seekers of happiness would not like to spend their life in jail. The adage has a meaning if we died after that glorious hour.

So my friends, if you are seeking happiness, let you head rule your heart. If you feel that someone is trying to seduce you, avoid being alone with the amorous person. If your heart wants a dress which you cannot afford, find something which you can afford and you like. It is most likely that you would still be admired because people admire the personality and character of a person and not the dress alone. If your heart yearns for a diamond and you cannot afford one, may be you can look as attractive with an artificial one.

The rule is not applicable only in case of situations involving, money and sex. Many a heart wanting a swim in the sea drowned in the water because the head and dangers of unknown waters were ignored. Many a trusting girl had sex before marriage, got pregnant and died while having an abortion.

If you want happiness, let your head rule your heart. It can be a caring and indulgent ruler. But you must consider the consequences of every action and risk that you take, and act only if the consequences and risks are acceptable.

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Step 15 Forget and Forgive

Many of us believe in the dictum "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth." They believe that avenging every wrong or insult, actual or perceived and preserving enmity is their sacred duty. Unfortunately if the policy is adopted by all, soon there would be very few eyes or teeth left. Jews and Philistines will keep killing each others for centuries. So will Hindus and Muslims, Shias and Sunnis, Sinhalese and Tamils, Hutus and Tutsis and so on.

Even at an individual level we sometimes hurt others in a fit of rage. Children fight over possessions or toys. Children of neighbours fight over many things and parents get involved. Young men and women fight for their loves. Siblings fight over property or inheritance. Spouses fight over household budget, infidelity, priorities and domination. But we cannot be happy when we are fighting. So we must try to avoid fights and learn to make peace after we fight. Fights between persons can be of many types. Some examples are discussed in the succeeding paragraphs.

Fight over principles. A very long time back I was a young officer. One day my wife told me that the maid servant was upset. It seems that her ten year old son had drunk milk left by the vendor on the porch of a house in the colony. The authorities had told her to leave the colony. I felt that since the boy was a minor and the maid servant had not committed the crime, the punishment was unjustified. I offered to give financial compensation but the authorities did not agree. I told them give me a months time to find a suitable replacement. They said no, the maid must go immediately. I said in that case I will not cooperate and fire my maid. They said they would have me transferred. I told them they can try. I told the maid to stay in the house out of reach of the security staff. A week went buy. The security staff could not lay their hands on the maid. The authorities called me. They were more conciliatory. They agreed to one months notice. I gave the maid one months notice and made alternative arrangements. The maid left and the case was closed. Some times we do fight for a cause even when it does not directly affect us. I do not know whether it is worth fighting for. In such cases one should go by ones conscience.

Fights over money or property are common. I do not know whether it is always worth fighting for. Once I resigned from a company. The company did not pay the 8 % bonus which was laid down in the terms of engagement. The sum in question was about Rs 30000. I could go to court but decided against it. Fighting court cases can be costly and time consuming. The outcome is also not certain. One may like to examine the pros and cons of fighting such cases and decide each case on merits.

Fights over religious or political beliefs are common. I have two good friends who were close friends for years. One supports Congress and the other supports the Bhartiya Janta Party. One worships Sonia Gandhi, the other considers the Nehru – Gandhi family the cause of all problems in India. At the time of the last general elections they had a big fight and stopped talking to each other. Such fights are most unfortunate. Such causes are not worth fighting for.

Fight over derogatory or mischievous statements is common amongst those whose favourite pastime is talking behind ones back. When this leads to misunderstandings, fights can and do occur. In such cases it is best to clarify what was said in front of each other and resolve the issue. It is best not to keep things pricking at the heart or discuss such problems with third parties. It is also best to avoid people who criticize others behind their backs or go telling tales.

Some people love to fight. They fight over petty things. They can be a nuisance particularly if they are neighbours. One should ignore their outbursts to the extent possible and fight back when things go out of control. Conversely one can over react at the first instance and hope that the second occasion will not rise.

Fights between spouses are an unpleasant reality. Some like fights over infidelity, addiction to drugs or drinks or control of expenditure can be serious. Some can be over petty things like getting ready in time, purchase of things, giving gifts. Petty fights can be easily resolved if we have a clear divisions of spheres of authority. In my house, the wife has the last say in all household matters.

Fights over serious matters cannot be resolved unless the cause of the conflict can be removed. However, some measures can be taken to ensure that fights do not go out of control. One should not use abusive language or say derogatory things about parents or in laws. One should not get physical or you may land in jail. One way to obtain ceasefire in domestic fights is to get parents, in laws or friends to stay in the house for some time. They act as dampers and help douse the flames of conflict.

Fights between young people in love are also common. The most dangerous time is when relationship is to be terminated. Men can get violent. Cases of murder or throwing acid are not unknown. Girls tend to develop suicidal tendencies. All efforts must be made to part without rancour. Due precautions must be taken by girls to avoid physical assault after break up of a relationship. Meeting alone after break up is very risky and must be avoided. A change of scene if possible is recommended.

To be happy we must try to avoid fights to the extent possible. To avoid fights we need to concede or compromise. If possible forgive and forget. But this is not always possible. Some times we cannot avoid a fight.

We must also learn to make up after a fight. If one is at fault, the matter is simple. We can admit our mistake and say sorry. After that it is best to do something together. Adult males can have a drink together. Spouses or friends can eat out or go on an excursion. If the other person is at fault, one should try to find an excuse to interact or meet. When you meet, behave normally as though nothing has happened. Let him feel that his trespass has been forgiven. If he realizes his fault, he may apologize. If he does not, one can let time heal the wounds before resuming fresh contacts.

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Step 16 Make Friends and Influence People

To be happy we need to build strong and productive relationships with our spouse, parents, children, friends, subordinates and associates. One way of doing it is by making deposits and withdrawals from an emotional account. Deposits in our emotional account are things we do to increase trust in relationships like small acts of kindness and courtesies, keeping promises, clarifying and harmonizing expectations, making apologies when appropriate etc. Showing loyalty and standing by a person in time of need is a big deposit Deposits work only when they are sincere.

Withdrawals from our emotional account are the opposite acts. They include unkind acts, breaking promises, not fulfilling expectations, duplicity in our conduct, and displays of pride and ego. Building and repairing relationships take patience, sincerity and commitment. Our deposits and withdrawals are things with which we control in relationships. To be able to make friends and influence people, we need to ensure that we have a positive balance in emotional accounts with all the people we are in contact with.

There can be other ways of making friends and influencing people. Some common things we can do are appreciate appearance and actions of people whenever you appropriately can. One can appreciate personality and achievements of children of people you meet. One should always smile and greet a person you know whenever you meet. Exchange a few words if you can find some suitable ones. It is very important to treat others as you would like to be treated ourselves. One must extend courtesies to elders, handicapped and the fair sex.

Some other winning strategies are being fair and generous in your dealings even if it means paying or spending a little extra money. One should try to avoid being mean, and selfish or stingy. One should never criticize or rebuke people in public. Never criticize people who are not present to defend their actions. Do not publicize acts of charity or help given to others. Do not break trust by making public confidential information parted in confidence or discovered by accident. Remember birthdays and anniversaries and send suitable greetings. Help people in distress and on occasions like marriages, festivals and funerals. Attend invitations where possible even if you feel it will be boring. Call and apologize if you cannot attend.

If you have friends and can influence people, you are likely to be happy and popular.

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Step 17 Shed Your Ego

Ego is a big stumbling block to happiness. Ego is considering oneself to be better than others. The feeling of superiority can be due to various factors. Some are proud of being born to erstwhile royal families and families of land lords. Others may be proud of their caste. Some are proud of their or their family wealth. Some are proud of their political influence. Some are proud of their beauty or looks. Some like me were proud of being more ethical and considerate. Some are proud of their intelligence or professional ability. Some are proud of their cunning and ability to fool the law.

Ego is harmful. It creates arrogance and an attitude reflected by President Bush's famous words, "You are either with me or against me." The fact is that one can be against an issue or a decision without being against the person. Ego brooks no dissidence. Dissidence is creative. No one person can see six sides of a cube. Dissidence enables issues to be examined in detail from all angles and can improve decision making without authority being questioned.

Ego stands in the way of healthy compromises which are essential for happiness. Many marriages have broken up because both husband and wife wanted the other to say sorry first and both were proud enough not to do so. Ego often stands in the way of admitting an honest mistake and saying sorry or correcting the mistake. It often prevents two brilliant and strong minds from working together for a cause. The conflict between President Obama and President Putin is one example. You would be able to identify many others.

Ego is never appreciated. It may be tolerated by people because of their circumstances. However, when an egoist has a stroke of misfortune, people queue up to enjoy the misfortunes of a fallen egoist. I suffered from being an egoist. I considered myself a better manager than my bosses. I suffered from a holier than thou attitude which was never appreciated by my bosses. As a result, I never achieved my potential in the professional field. I am grateful to my friend and ex-boss, for helping me to get over this weakness.

It took me sixty years to realize that I was as gullible and fallible as the man next door. The realization has made me more humble and more acceptable to my bosses and colleagues at the workplace as also to my friends and wife. It has made me happier

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Step 18 Learn to Accept Others Point of View

Once we have accepted that we are not infallible, it is important that we learn to consider and accept other's point of view on merits. We can only make others understand us if we understand them. To understand a problem or person, we must learn to listen. We must learn to listen to our spouse, parents, children, friends and acquaintances and subordinates. Only once we have understood them can we make them understand our point of view. To understand others we must listen to them. There are five levels of listening. These are five types of listening: The first is "ignoring". This is some thing we do often. We do not give the other person a chance to say what they want to and impose our will.

The second type is "pretended listening". Some times we pretend to listen but actually are thinking about something else. Since we have not heard the other person, we do not understand what was said. This is likely to lead to a conflict situation.

The third is "selective listening" In this case we hear only what we want to hear and switch off on things we do not want to hear. So we get a wrong picture and invariably take wrong steps.

The fourth is "attentive listening". In this case we listen only with our ears. Here we listen but without any emotional involvement. We will understand what was said but may miss out some things which may be relevant but left unsaid.

The fifth is "emphatic listening". In this case we listen with our ears, eyes and heart. This is the best form of listening and enables us to fully understand the others point of view.

Once you have understood the others point of view and find that yours is different, you have to make a decision. Are you going to argue, loose your temper and fight or are you going to agree to disagree. You can also accept the others point of view if there is merit in it. To be happy you will have to learn to accept others point of view or agree to disagree.

What happens when there is a conflict situation like your wife wants to go to a movie and you want to watch cricket on TV? Some times you should give in and at other times you can have your own way. That way, harmony and happiness will be maintained.

What happens if your son wants to buy a Toyota car but you feel Nissan is better? If it is his money he has the right to choose.

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Step 19 Look before You Leap

Many a time we do things on an impulse without due care or thought. Such acts can cause problems and stand in the way of happiness. The most glaring examples are with regard to investment of funds. Most people who retire receive a lot of funds as retirement benefits. Many invest these funds without a good understanding or analysis of the risks. As a result they loose their money and along with it their happiness.

Another common act of foolishness is parking funds in small private banks. These banks are mostly run by politicians or businessmen and are generally poorly managed. The chairman takes loans and gives loans to cronies. Non performing assets mount and soon the bank goes bust spelling doom to the innocent depositors.

Investing in private banks giving high rates of interest like 12 to 15 % is foolish. In today's low interest regime, no organization can give this kind of return and survive. The likely situation is that you will get three to five installments before the proprietor of the company disappears.

Another act of foolishness is paying money to get a job. We in India and other developing countries live in a very corrupt world and many government jobs are sold to the highest bidder. But it is very difficult to know which tout can deliver and who cannot. If you want to try this route, be prepared to loose the money.

Handing over house and savings to children and hope that they will look after you in old age is another common foolish act. Please remember that at least 50 % children do not care as to what happens to their parents. If you part with your house and money, the chances are that you will die while begging on the streets.

Marrying ones daughter to an unknown NRI (Non Resident Indian) is another folly. There is a craze among Indian parents to marry their daughters to NRI grooms. The marriages are arranged and solemnized in a hurry, often in about two weeks. Very little is known about the boy. This is a high risk game. In many cases the boy marries for dowry or to please parents. They may even have live in girl friends. In the worst case, they may be married. If you are not a gambler and want yourself and your daughter to be happy, do not go for such alliances unless you know the boys family very well or can visit him and get adequate details about the boy.

Dowry system is prevalent in India. A common folly is to marry your son to the girl bringing maximum dowry. A girl who brings an unusually large dowry is likely to have some problems. Do not marry your girl to a family that wants a dowry which you cannot give. This has led to countless bride burnings. Yet parents do not seem to understand that man's greed has no end and a greedy man supported by a greedy family can kill or maim for profit.

Do not get treated by a doctor who is not clear about your problem. Many doctors are greedy and will go on treating you till you die. Some hospitals even perform expensive tests on dying or even dead patients. If a medical problem persists, do not hesitate to take a second opinion from a renowned hospital. And do so before it is too late.

If you are male and alone, do not give lift to a girl or girls or rush to help a damsel in distress. You may be walking into a trap. Doing so in a crowded place is may be less risky. Also remember, sympathy to emotional involvement is one small step. Any carelessness can end up in breaking up your family.

As a male do not interact with a female colleague or subordinate in closed office or after working hours. Never deal with a female colleague or subordinate alone in a closed office or after working hours. You may find yourself an accused in a sexual harassment case. If you want to talk in private, use a clear glass paneled office or a lawn. Otherwise have your secretary or some other witness at hand.

As a female do not interact with a male colleague or boss outside office premises or after office hours. The converse situation is also true. Male colleagues, teachers and professors are quite capable of sexually exploiting young ladies. So be on your guard and avoid meeting them alone unescorted.

Swimming in unknown or unsafe beaches is an extremely hazardous practice and many a young life has been lost due to this thoughtless act.

It is dangerous to date a boy or girl without knowing them. It is desirable to know the background of your partner to be sure that the person is appropriate for dating. Blind dates are not desirable. Dating at lonely places is dangerous even if your partner is not a rapist. Criminals and policemen are quite capable of preying upon couples found in compromising situations in lonely place.

If you are dating just to have fun, a play boy or play girl may be quite all right. When looking for a life partner, choose your dating partner with care. I classify boys into three categories. In the first category are glamour boys of rich and influential parents who are surrounded by many girls. They are attractive, spoilt and out to have fun. They are not serious about relationships. They are often inconsiderate egoists. Second category is shy, timid, disorganized, forgetful, helpless boys who are afraid of parents and the world at large. Some girls may feel a protective and mothering urge towards them. They may not be the right partner for marriage. The third category is balanced, serious, considerate and compassionate persons one feels one can depend on in time of trouble. I would advise my daughter to avoid the first two and go for the third. I also classify girls into three categories. First are glamorous chicks who flaunt their sexuality. They are usually surrounded by boy friends and are the soul of parties. The second are plain Jane s, critical of others, poor mixers and hesitant to let their hair down and enjoy themselves. The third are attractive, friendly, active, sober, compassionate persons who are serious about their studies or profession. I would advise my male readers to avoid the first two categories.

If you want to be happy do not take important decisions on an impulse. It may be prudent to consult those who are trustworthy and more knowledgeable on the subject.

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Step 20 Curb Your Expectation

We have great expectations from our spouse, children, and friends. We also expect just rewards as fruits of our efforts at the work place or business and the world in general. We become unhappy when our expectations are not fulfilled. I may expect that this book will sell a million copies and make me rich and famous. But is it a reasonable expectation? May be I should be quite happy if the book is accepted by a reputed publisher for publication. I would be more than happy if the book sees a second edition.

To be happy we must learn to curb our expectations. When we learn to curb our expectations our happiness will automatically increase. Let us take a simple example. I expect my son to get 90 % in an examination. He gets 80 %. We are disappointed and unhappy. If I had expected my son to get 70 % and he got 80 %, my expectations would have been exceeded. I would have been delighted at the result. The thing to note is that in both the cases the boy got 80 % or the same marks but the resultant happiness with his performance varied in inverse ratio of the level of expectations.

We can have hundreds of such examples. If the wife does not expect her husband to remember their marriage anniversary and take her out (an offence I have been guilty of on a number of occasions), she will not be upset if he actually forgets but will be delighted if he does remember and gives her a present or takes her out to dinner.

If we expect that the girl our son has fallen in love with and wants to marry to be most beautiful, a great cook, an interior decorator, wage earner and a great companion, we may be asking for too much. But if we expect her to be a sweet loveable child who will take care of our son, the chances are that we will find her acceptable. Her relations with us will depend to a large extent on how we receive and treat her and not on our expectations of her.

If we expect a government office to be free of corruption and find the peon asking for a tip, we would be upset and agitated. But if we were expecting the place to be corrupt, we would not be upset by the request for a tip. After all, do we not happily tip waiters and taxi drivers? They also get paid for what they do.

If we go to a marriage party and expect the host to receive us and spend time with us, we will be upset if he does not. But if we understand that he will be busy with supervising the marriage arrangements and looking after other guests, we will not mind if his greetings are perfunctory. We will be delighted if he is able to spend five minutes with us.

If we expect our guests to be punctual for parties, we will be fuming with irritation if they arrive late. If we expect them to be late, we will be delighted if some of them are on time.

If we expect our daughter in law to be all attention and always at our beck and call, we are likely to be disappointed and upset. But if we appreciate that she has to look after her husband, children, household chores etc and are satisfied with her sincere efforts to look after us, we may enjoy being with our son and grand children.

If we expect food in a train to be excellent, we are certain to be disappointed. However, if we are expecting it to border on being inedible, the chances are we may actually like it.

Those who are critical by nature and seek perfection in everything are unlikely to be happy. Most things in life are imperfect. It is therefore necessary to distinguish between what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Happy people are happy with what is acceptable and delighted when things are better than what is acceptable.

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### Step 21 Learn to Adjust with Parents and In-laws

We have seen that spouse, children and parents are the three most important sources of happiness or unhappiness. We have talked about developing meaningful relationships with spouses in Part 1. To be happy, we must also learn to adjust with parents and in laws.

When we are unmarried, we have to deal only with our parents. Parents can be easy or difficult to deal with. Each parent will be different with different likes and dislikes and different views on free mixing, dress code, ideal careers and so on. The so called generation gap is likely to be present in every generation. There are a few things which could help us to have a pleasant time with our parents. When in the house, we must abide by the routine and discipline of the house. We must find time to do things together with the parents like eating meals, seeing TV, playing cards or simply chatting about friends, college or office. We should help with the household chores when visiting parents. We should remember birthdays and anniversaries and give presents if you are earning or at least a ring or message on the mobile phone. Give a hug if you have been giving one when you meet or leave. Keep parents informed of love affairs and happenings at office in a general and positive way so that they are not surprised by your decisions.

After marriage there are two situations. You can become the part of a joint family and a nuclear family. If it is a joint family, the situation is likely to be the same as when we were staying with our parents. Most of the rules we have enumerated above will apply.

If you are in a nuclear family, your contact with your parents would be infrequent. Some ways of keeping them happy are to ring and speak to them at least once a week. We should remember birthdays and anniversaries and give them a ring. When they pay a visit, make an extra effort to take care of them and make them feel wanted. We should visit them as often as we can manage. When we are with them, we should help them with their household work. We should also Allow them to indulge the grand children.

Adjusting with parents and in laws is easy when you love them as parents and things flow from your heart.

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Step 22 Learn to Adjust with Children

If we are parents we must learn to adjust with our children to be happy. Some aspects of this have been discussed earlier in Step 6, "Catch Them Young". The personality, needs, fears and perceptions of children keep changing with their age. We should examine this aspect in three stages, namely the teens, the working adult prior to marriage and post marriage.

If you have caught your children at a young age and managed to inculcate in them discipline, values, positive attitude and a bond of love, dealing with children should not be too much of a problem.

Children in their teens, particularly in their adolescence, can be difficult. They become sensitive about their dresses and appearance. They tend to fall in love, often with quite unworthy characters. The puppy love stories shown in films are not helpful at all. One of my relatives ran away from home when she was 15 and married a boy quite unsuitable without any education or income. What she saw in him only she can explain. They had a child in the first year of her marriage. Her husband used to thrash her at the drop of a hat. Battered and bruised, she took divorce around the age of thirty and returned to her parents. Her parents are shattered. We need to be able to have the confidence of the children so that they share their feelings with you. Do not throw tantrums or be restrictive if your son or daughter is dating a partner you do not approve of. Remember Newton's Law, "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The more you try to separate them, the closer they will get. Try to organize a change of scene. Out of sight is some times out of mind. Delay marriage on some pretext or the other till they become adults. They may part on their own. Do not oppose relations just for the heck of it.

If the love affairs of the children are one area of worry for parents it is not the only one. Peer pressure can drive them to drinks, drugs, partying and sex. If the parents can keep them safe there is still the problem of completing their education and getting a job. Parents need to be close to the children at this stage. They have to be supportive without being indulgent and advice without being critical. They must be able to communicate and express their love. They have to be firm without being hostile.

The working adult is easier to manage. The income brings freedom. Any comments on spending habits can be considered odious and lead to conflict. The young working adult must be given the opportunity to be on their own and learn their own lessons. Lessons must never be rubbed in. "I told you so" hurt egos and lead to conflict. This is the time for parents to take pride in their wards achievements and collect presents.

The post marriage stage requires the most tact. The first requirement is to accept the spouse as a wanted and loved member of the family. The second is to accept that the son or daughter in law has to devote time to his or her own family. The trick is to make sure that they are not asked to choose between the spouse and the parents. The chances are that they will choose the spouse and the parents will be unhappy for ever after.

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Step 23 Draw your Line and Stick to it

Suppose you and your wife are taking a walk in a park and a man with a knife comes and asks you to hand over your purse. You may resist or give it without a fight. But what if he asks for your wife? Some may say life is more important than wife. Others may feel honour of wife is more important than life. Who am I to legislate what you should do. I am only trying to help you to be happy. To be happy you must decide for yourself when you are going to give in, what you are going to tolerate and what you are not. We have to draw our own lines and stick to them.

We face this question all the time.

Do we bribe a person to get a thing done? It is your decision. If you give, do so without remorse. If you do not, be prepared for the delay and do not keep cribbing about the corruption in Government Offices.

A friend asks for a loan. Do we give or do not give? If we give, how much do I give? Do we ask our spouse before giving?

A friend wants to stay with you? Do you agree, if so for how many days are you prepared to host him? Do I ask my spouse for opinion on the subject?

I know a lot of people who oblige others without feeling happy about it. This happens all the time to those who want to be popular or be called "He / she is a jolly good fellow." Some neighbours will want a few potatoes or onions, a bit of sugar or a cup of oil every day. Others will drop in when you are busy or you want to rest. Colleagues at office may want you to do their work. You have to decide whether you are going to oblige or not. You have to draw the line and stick to it. If you feel unhappy doing these things and you want happiness, you got to learn to say no.

While taking these decisions you will do well to remember that if any one like your spouse, children, parents or friends is affected by your decision, you should seek their concurrence before making a commitment. If you go against the wishes of those who are affected by your decision, the chances are that you will not be happy at the result.

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Step 24 Tread the Middle Path

Buddha advised his followers to follow the middle path. That is the road to happiness.

Be ambitious but do not be over ambitious. If you are over ambitious, you will fail to achieve your goal or adopt unethical means in trying to achieve them. Do not be without ambition or a goal in life. You will wander aimlessly and end a frustrated and unhappy person. Have goals that are achievable and you will have the joy of achieving them.

Try to earn as much money as you honestly can. But do not make accumulating money the main purpose of your life or you will never find happiness. But do not neglect finances or spend without control. That could be the recipe to disaster.

Eat food that you love even if the doctors do not approve. An occasional dish of red meat, prawn, a Spanish omelet, a cone of ice cream or a slice of Black Forest Cake will not kill you. Do not indulge in excesses. Otherwise you will have all kinds of problems like obesity, high cholesterol, high triglyceride etc which lead to heart diseases. Do not starve yourself or diet too often or you may suffer from malnutrition or anorexia. Not having food of your liking can also cause mental stresses which can be equally harmful.

Drink if you enjoy it but do not drink to get drunk. An occasional bottle of beer, a peg or two of whiskey, brandy or red wine will do you no harm. But if you drink in excess, you will have health problems related to liver, kidney, blood pressure or obesity. Do not drink more than you can financially afford. If you do so you will vitiate the atmosphere in your home. You will then drink to get drunk to forget the pain. Things will get worse.

Take care of your health and appearance. But do not make it central to your life. If you are too rigid, you will not be able to enjoy much of the goodies the world has to offer. You will stand in the way of others who want to enjoy and be discarded as a bore. If you neglect your health, illness will take your happiness away. If you neglect you appearance, your spouse may neglect you and cause unhappiness.

Do not neglect your career and workplace or become a workaholic. Strike a balance between the needs of the workplace and the need to devote time to your spouse, children, family, friends, hobbies and rest.

Do not be a spendthrift or a miser. Spend wisely on things you and your family need and even want. Save for the rainy day. Learn to live within your means. A person in debt cannot be a happy person. Do not save on food or you will have to spend twice as much on medical treatment. Do not hesitate in spending on the education of your children. If they are unable to stand on their own feet, you will have to take care of them even when they are grown up. Do not go shopping because you have nothing else to do and buy things you do not need. Do not spend just to keep up with the Joneses.

Help people in need. But do not do so at the cost of depriving your own family. Give them time but without neglecting your own near and dear ones. Help them sincerely to the extent you can without publicizing the help given. Do not turn your back when you can help. If you do so, do not expect help from other.

Love but not with an intensity that cannot tolerate rejection and lead to suicide, murder or acid throwing. Do not be so possessive as to deny space to your love to do his or her own thing and kill love. But do not be so undemonstrative that a doubt can crop up or one feels that he or she is being taken for granted.

Believe in God. Pray and you will feel the power of prayer. Submit yourself to the will of God and you will have peace of mind. But do not be a religious fanatic who cannot tolerate other beliefs and religion. Do not become a slave of rituals particularly if they inconvenience others. If you are a fanatic or a slave of ritual, you will be constantly agitated by the action of others. People who are constantly agitated or annoyed with others cannot be happy.

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Step 25 Learn to Accept the Will of God

We must learn to understand that our destiny is not entirely in our hands. It is true that without whole hearted effort we can achieve nothing. But at the same time we see again and again nature and fate intervening to change the expected results. Hurricane Katarina has wiped out cities in the Southern United States and shattered thousands of lives. The Tsunami of 26 December 2004 killed over 200,000 people and rendered millions homeless. The recent earthquake in Pakistan has killed thousands of people and made millions homeless. Thousands of children were orphaned. Hundreds of thousands lost their household possessions, which had been earned through years of toil. Those who suffered were ordinary people like you and me going about their daily chores. All were working for their goals and searching for happiness. Natural disasters like floods, earthquakes and manmade disasters like war, terrorism and accidents can leave us and our dreams shattered.

Even small personal tragedies can change our lives. An accident and an untimely death can leave people shattered. I remember one Lieutenant Golani. He was the only child of his parents. He had got married just three months before he and 28 of his men were buried in a landslide. Such tragedies are taking place every hour. The sufferers could be very ordinary people trying to make their dreams and goals come true. There is no cause effect relationship between the tragedies in the lives of the sinner or the virtuous. Man is powerless before the wrath of nature or the will of God.

Tragedies can and will strike some of our lives. But death and deliverance is not in our hands. Healthy young people die in accidents or though sudden illness. Old bedridden people can live for years. So to be happy we have to learn to accept these tragedies and setbacks as the will of God and get over our grief or disappointment. Then and then only can we find happiness.

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Epilogue

Our happiness is in our hands. We are all different. We are at different levels of happiness.

To be happy we must learn to change our attitude and cut out the negatives. We must do what we enjoy doing without hurting others. We have to learn to solve problems which make us unhappy through proactive steps. We have to learn to endure problems which you cannot solve and act to minimize such situations or problems. We have to have an action plan to make it happen.

An action plan is best prepared by asking ourself a few questions and then answering them. What is making us unhappy? What are the options before us to deal with the problem? What is the best way to solve the problem? How can the problem be mitigated if the problem cannot be solved? You can try to ask yourselves the same questions from time to time and write the answers. Then you can attempt to implement the action plan and increase your joy or reduce your unhappiness. Doing nothing is never an option.

Finally we must remember that we do not control our destinies. We will suffer pain. We will face physical and emotional trauma at some time or the other. Whether we can overcome our pain and grief and lead a happy and contented life depends on the strength of our character, our level of detachment from material things and our submission to the will of God.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Bhaskar Sarkar was born at Calcutta, India in 1940. He graduated in civil engineering in 1963 and joined the Corps of Engineers of the Indian Army and hung his boots after 28 years of distinguished service in the rank of Colonel. A keen student of military history, economics and international affairs, he has eleven published and a few unpublished books to his credit. This is his first E book. Other Books by the Author are:

Pakistan Seeks Revenge and God Saves. India ISBN 81-85462-11-9. Fiction.

Tackling Insurgency and Terrorism. ISBN 81-7094-291-8. Non fiction.

Kargil War, Past Present and Future. ISBN, 1-897829-61-2. Non Fiction.

Outstanding Victories of the Indian Army. ISBN 1-897829-73-6 . Non Fiction.

Thirty Nine Steps to Happiness. Non Fiction. 81-248-0142-8

Practical Approach to Vaastu Shastra. (A Peacock Book)

Earthquakes, All we need to know about them. ISBN 978-81-248-0188-8. Non Fiction.

**Nationalism: Economic Strategy for Survival of Developing Countries. ISBN 978-81-269-1093-9.**

**An Introduction to Religions of the World. ISBN 978-81-269-1339-8. Non Fiction.**

**Who is Afraid of the Chinese Dragon? I am. Non Fiction. (A Peacock Book)**

**Tackling the Maoist Menace. ISBN 978-81-269-1636-8. Non Fiction.**

Bhaskar Sarkar's Author Profile on Smashwords is: <http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/Bhaskarsarkar1940> . He has 7 published e books.  
Fight Class War Now: http://smashwords.com/b/206829 . This book asks the American people to vote for President Obama and the Democrats.

Be A Rational Pessimist: http://smashwords.com/b/177158 . A Rational Pessimist hopes for the best but prepares for the worst.

Occupiers of Wall Street: Losers or Game Changers: <http://smashwords.com/b/175532> . This free download is an analysis of the movement "Occupiers of Wall Street".

Homeopathy for Prevention of Diseases and Self Medication: http://smashwords.com/b/229505 . This book encourages the readers to try self medication with Homeopathy.

Growth and Decline of Economies of Europe and US: http://smashwords.com/b/231033 . This book analyses the economy of Europe and the US.

The President Takes Over: http://smashwords.com/b/238615 . The author fantasizes a President declaring emergency and cleansing the corrupt Indian political system

Islamic State: Can it be Defeated <https://smashwords.com/books/view/593742> A detailed analysis of the war against Islamic State in Iraq and Syria

