 
The Trouble with Daleks

a work of fan fiction by

Paris Portingale

Copyright 2012

Published by MoshPit Publishing

An imprint of Mosher's Business Support

PO Box 147

Hazelbrook NSW 2779

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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While the content of this story is the original work of the author, both the author and the publisher acknowledge that the Daleks were invented by Terry Nation and immortalised in the BBC television series Dr Who. No infringement of any copyright is intended by any part of this story and this story is free for anyone to share with like-minded people who may have an interest in Daleks and what a world with Daleks might be like, especially a world with Daleks but without Dr Who!

However, should anyone identify any breach of copyright, please contact the publisher in the first instance so that we can discuss the issue and ascertain what needs to be done to rectify the situation.

Otherwise, enjoy!

# Introduction

This story explores how a relationship between human beings and Daleks might possibly develop. It deliberately doesn't go into the workings of the Dalek (how they get about, manage stairs, drive cars etc), as the main issue is the interaction of the two species. In this universe it is accepted that a Dalek can do pretty much anything a human can.

P. P.

~~~

# Daleks: an overview

Definition:

Biological-machine hybrid.

Characteristics:

Intelligent but with traits of naiveté and gullibility

Have a distorted grasp of the concept of thinking things through

Ideally should obey any direct order

Prone to moods—touchy

At the time this story takes place, Daleks have been around for about fifty years.

# The Trouble with Daleks

## Ron & DRK 432

'That'll be the phone, Doreen.'

'Let the Dalek get it,' Doreen calls out.

'Sure,' Ron says and he whistles and their Dalek trundles into the lounge room. His registration tag says, 'DRK 432'.

'Get that,' Ron says.

'Get that ...?' says DRK 432.

'Phone,' Ron says irritably.

'I was looking for the "please," ' says the Dalek.

'Get the phone,' Ron says and DRK 432 says, 'Please ...'

'Get the phone,' Ron says and there is a real tone of threat in his voice. The Dalek, however, remains motionless.

Ron straightens in his chair and says, 'I order you to get the phone.' The Dalek still doesn't move. It is a stand-off. Ron is staring hard into the Dalek's eye and the Dalek is staring right back at Ron.

Ron says, 'You can't disobey a direct order. It's in your rules.' The Dalek flinches, but still doesn't move. Ron's teeth are gritted. 'I directly order you to answer the phone.'

With the phone still ringing, DRK 432 swivels his head so he's looking away, across the other side of the room, and Ron bangs the arm of his chair and says, 'Jesus fucking Christ. Okay, please.'

'Thank you,' says the Dalek and he rolls across the room and answers the phone.

He says, 'Conroy residence, what do you want?' There is a pause, then, running the words quickly together, the Dalek says, 'Fuck you very much,' and brings the receiver over to Ron. He says, 'It's for you.'

Ron says, 'What did you just say?' and DRK 432 says, 'It's for you.'

'No, before that.'

'I don't recall exactly.'

Ron snatches the phone, saying, 'I haven't finished with this.' He puts the receiver to his ear and says, 'Yes, who is it?'

The voice on the end of the line says, 'It's Vince. Who was that answered the phone?'

'The Dalek,' Ron says, and Vince says, 'Bit of an insolent tone.'

Ron says, 'I know, I'm sorry.'

Vince says, 'Better nip that in the bud, Ron, or you'll have your own Dalek walking all over you.'

Ron looks at DRK 432 menacingly and DRK 432 spins on his wheels and trundles from the room, his eye stalk up at a 45 degree angle.

Ron says to Vince, 'I'm going to have words, don't worry,' and Vince says, 'Good man. You have to be firm.'

~~~

A short while later Ron is going through the house. He finds his wife and says, 'Where's the Dalek?'

'I haven't seen him, dear,' Doreen says.

'God damn.'

Ron is in a stink. He continues looking, going from room to room. When it becomes clear the Dalek is not in the house, Ron looks out the back.

In the backyard DRK 432 is talking over the fence to the next door's Dalek. When they see Ron they move apart. The next door's Dalek starts whistling. He has a rake and begins raking.

Ron comes over and says, 'What were you two talking about?'

'Nothing,' says 432.

Ron stares at him suspiciously. The Dalek says, 'Nothing. We weren't talking about anything.'

Ron says, 'What did you say to Vince just now on the phone?'

432 swivels his head and says, 'Nothing.'

'You said "Fuck you very much", didn't you?'

'I did not,' 432 says.

'It sounded very much like "Fuck you very much".'

'Definitely not.'

'I don't want to hear anything like that again. Do you understand?'

The Dalek shrugs.

Ron says, 'Do you understand?' and the Dalek says, 'Sure.'

Ron says, 'Drop the flip tone 432,' and the Dalek says, 'Sure.'

Ron is getting very angry. He says, 'Stop agreeing so it sounds like you're not really agreeing.'

'Sure.'

'I could break you, you know. I could break you like that ...' and Ron snaps his fingers.

'Sure,' says the Dalek, but 432 knows Ron won't break him. 432 knows how much is still owing on him.

Ron turns to go back inside. He says, 'And for Christ's sake rinse your voice hole, you've got Dalek breath that would kill a brown dog.'

# Terrence & Barry

Next door, Terrence is talking to Barry, his Dalek. He says, 'Where's the paper?'

The Dalek says, 'I haven't seen it.'

Terrence says, 'I saw you reading it this morning,' and the Dalek says, 'Oh, that paper.'

'Where is it?' Terrence asks.

'I threw it out,' the Dalek tells him.

'But I haven't finished with it, Barry.'

'Sorry,' Barry says but the tone suggests he's anything but sorry.

'Go and get it from the bin,' Terrence tells him.

'Can't,' says the Dalek.

'Why not?'

'The rubbish has been collected.'

'The rubbish isn't collected until tomorrow.'

'Someone took it out of the rubbish.'

'This is ridiculous,' Terrence says and storms outside to look in the bin. He is back moments later with the paper.

'Oh, there it is,' Barry says.

Terrence slams the paper onto the coffee table and says, 'Go away and do something.'

'Sure,' says Barry and he trundles towards the door.

Terrence calls after him, 'What are you going to do?' and the Dalek says, 'I haven't decided yet.'

'Do the washing up then.'

'Sure,' says Barry and he rolls out. He doesn't do the washing up though. He goes to the games-room and begins a game of 'Scab Men VS the Mucusoids' on the games machine.

# Vince's wife, Meredith

Meanwhile, Vince's wife, Meredith, is approaching the checkout at the local supermarket. Three Daleks are queued in front of her and she pushes through saying, 'Humans before Daleks.'

The Dalek at the head of the queue swivels its head and its eye stalk strikes Meredith's temple and she falls to the ground.

'Accident,' says the Dalek, and the other two take up the call, repeating, 'Accident ... Accident ...'

Soon they are joined by other Daleks also shopping in the store. Meredith regains consciousness to find herself surrounded. A Dalek rolls over her legs and she cries out. The Dalek says, 'Accident ... Accident,' and another Dalek bumps into her head.

The cashier jumps the counter with an iron bar he keeps for just such situations and he starts banging at the Daleks. 'Get off!' he cries at them and they roll back a little way.

The manager arrives then and picks up Meredith and helps her towards the back of the store where there is a first aid room. A bolt of static electricity shoots from somewhere among the massed Daleks and hits the manager between the shoulder blades. He cries out and turns around. 'Who did that?' he demands but the Daleks are silent. 'Which one of you did that?' the manager demands again and one of the Daleks points at the cashier and says, 'I think he did it.'

The manager gives a disgusted snort and turns and continues with Meredith to the first aid room.

The Daleks start to disperse and the original three return to queuing at the register.

The cashier is grim faced. He says, 'I never want to see anything like that again,' and the first Dalek says, 'Sure.'

# Aristotle

Sir Bertrand Russell is getting his Dalek, Aristotle, to make him a whisky and soda. They are in the philosophy wing of the university where Sir Bertrand holds the chair of Philosophical Studies and has quarters.

While Sir Bertrand has insights that penetrate deep to the core of life and the universe, his interpersonal and human-Dalek skills are minimal at best. He has been contemplating inevitabilities and, for the last short while, has been considering progress as a human inevitability.

Aristotle enters with a tray upon which is Sir Bertrand's whisky and soda. It is his fifth in the last hour. Taking the drink, Sir Bertrand says, 'In considering a time before Sellotape and a time before Daleks, I would be forced to say a world without Sellotape would be by far the poorer. A world suddenly without Sellotape would be reduced to string and the call of, "Put your finger on this while I finish the knot." A world without Daleks would be tolerable, but a world without Sellotape would be a hopeless tangle.'

'Yes, sir,' says Aristotle.

'You certainly would be at a total loss, Aristotle, my darling. Imagine trying to tie a knot with that manipulator thing there.'

'Quite impossible, sir.'

Sir Bertrand Russell lifts his glass and drains half. He says, 'May as well get cracking on another one of these, old fellow.'

'Yes, sir,' says Aristotle. He trundles towards the door, then stops and turns. 'Sir?' he says.

'Yes, Aristotle?'

'Sir, I have to tell you, if I've appeared less than myself recently it is because I am overcome by a distraction, brought about by worry.'

'Dear oh dear, old chap. That doesn't sound good at all. Worry about what exactly?'

'Sir, I'm worried I'm losing my hold on the sureness of things.'

'The sureness of what things, old chap?'

'Everything about my life. Everything about my existence.'

'Dear fellow, let me tell you this. You are as sure as sure can ever be. Certainly as sure as the next Dalek and possibly as sure as me.'

'Thank you, sir, I appreciate your words, but sadly they don't have the strength to dispel my doubts. I worry that, should I continue this way, I may dissolve away and disappear altogether.'

'Dear fellow, how utterly terrible to hear you talk this way.'

'I don't know what to do, sir.'

Sir Bertrand thinks for a moment then says, 'I doubt I have the tools to assist you in this but there is someone I could arrange for you to see. An old friend, Dr James Crighton-Cunningham. A psychiatrist of the highest order. I will make arrangements for you first thing in the morning.'

'Thank you, sir,' the Dalek says and there is indeed a deep gratitude in his voice.

'Nothing at all,' Sir Bertrand tells him and he waggles his glass and Aristotle turns and goes to mix his master another drink.

# Ron & DRK 432

It's 1.30 in the morning. Ron wakes to find his Dalek standing over his bed. He sits up with a start.

'What the fuck's going on?' he cries. 'What the fuck are you doing?'

'Nothing,' says the Dalek.

'Well, get out,' Ron says. The Dalek stands looking down at him for some moments, then turns and rolls out of the bedroom.

'And shut the door,' Ron calls but the Dalek pretends not to hear.

Ron's wife sits up. She says, 'What was that?'

Ron says, 'Nothing, just the Dalek.'

'What was he doing?'

'I don't know.'

Doreen says, 'We'll talk about it in the morning. Go back to sleep.'

They lie down again but Ron can't go back to sleep. Eventually he gets up and goes down to the basement and comes back with an iron bar which he places on the floor beside the bed.

Doreen, half asleep, says, 'What are you doing?' and Ron says, 'Nothing.'

Doreen says, 'You had something in your hand.'

'I got the iron bar from the basement.'

Doreen says, 'Whatever for?' and Ron tells her, 'I just feel safer.'

~~~

The next day, Ron's next door neighbour, Terrence, is flying out of town on business. The pilot on this flight is a Dalek. So is the co-pilot. Everyone feels extra safe because Daleks make the best pilots. There has never been a crash where a Dalek has been the pilot.

The man in the seat next to Terrence is reading a magazine about Daleks. It is called 'Daleks Today.'

Terrence says to the man, 'I had to admonish my Dalek yesterday.'

'Really, why?' asks the man.

'He threw out my newspaper before I'd finished it.'

'Probably just a mistake.'

'I don't think so.'

The man sings the catchline from the latest Dalek advertisement. 'They're tamed and trained ... Get a Dalek now.'

Terrence says, 'Yeah, but I had to chew mine out.'

'Doesn't hurt them. A little discipline is good for them.'

Terrence says, 'Yes,' but there's a distant look in his eye. He's thinking back to a recent incident. He'd walked into the garage and his Dalek, Barry, had quickly hidden something behind his back. Terrence had said, 'What's that?' and the Dalek had replied, 'Nothing.'

'Turn around,' Terrence had told him.

'Sure,' Barry said, and he turned around, being careful to move around the object he was hiding.

Terrence said, 'You've just moved it around to your front.'

Barry said, 'No I didn't,' and Terrence stepped forward and reached around Barry. He grabbed the object and held it out. It was a longish pole. He said, 'What's this?'

'A stick,' Barry told him.

'It's not a stick, it's a pole.'

'If you want.'

'Why are you making a pole?'

'I can't remember.'

Terrence threw the thing onto the bench and said, 'Well no hiding things. No secret things,' and the Dalek had said, 'Sure.'

Terrence's companion breaks the reverie. He says, 'Stop me if you've heard this, okay? Two Daleks walk into a bar. They're both Jews, right? Both Jewish Daleks. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." The Daleks take out false moustaches and put them on. They say, "Huh, we're not really Daleks." The bartender says, "Well, that's alright then." '

A Dalek in the seat in front turns around and says, 'The Jews. They kill Christ and get away with it, and now they're not serving Daleks? Where's the justice in that?'

A Dalek in a kipah skullcap, sitting behind them, leans forward and says, 'We didn't kill Jesus Christ, the Romans did. It was all an anti-Semitic thing. We end up getting blamed for everything. We're the world's most popular scapegoats.'

The Dalek beside him says, 'Yes, but wasn't it a Jewish guy, somebody Goldberg, who sank the Titanic? That was real.'

The Jew in the skullcap says, 'No, it was an iceberg, idiot,' and the other Dalek says, 'Goldberg, Iceberg, it's all the same. They're all Jews.'

A Dalek across the aisle says, 'If you're talking about who killed Jesus, I'd say he committed suicide. He had plenty of chances to get off. I think he wanted them to kill him.'

'That's ridiculous,' someone else pipes up. 'Why would he do that, for Christ's sake?'

'To prove a point,' he's told.

'What point?'

People all over the plane are starting to join in. Someone else says, 'There was no point. God promised to come down and save him but he didn't make it in time. It was an accident.'

'An accident waiting to happen, more like. You can't stuff about with crucifixion like that and not expect to get hurt.'

A Dalek in a grey dustcoat with 'Shop Steward' stitched over the pocket says, 'That's why we have Occupational Health and Safety today. You'd never have that happening now. It wouldn't be allowed.'

An angry Dalek further down the plane stands up and turns around. He says, 'Look, read your bible. Jesus faked his own death. It's all there. Hid out in a cave for three days and then went off to South America. They were all doing it. Hitler did it. They're all there, down in South America, living the life of bloody Riley.'

Someone says, 'Hitler died in the bunker. I've seen the movie.'

The angry Dalek says, 'No, he faked his own death. They burned the body. It could have been anyone.'

Someone else says, 'And he went to South America and hooked up with Jesus,' and everyone laughs.

By this time Terrence has drifted off. He's now wondering if his Dalek is maybe Jewish. He wonders if it may explain his attitude and determines to find out as soon as he gets home.

The door to the pilot's cabin opens and a Dalek flight attendant rolls out. He says, 'Do we have a little boy named Raymond with us today?'

A seven year old boy, flying with his grandmother, puts up his hand and the attendant says, 'The pilot has said you can come up front and see what it's like flying an aeroplane,' and the boy and his grandmother get up and are shown into the cockpit area. The Dalek attendant follows, closing the door.

When the plane lands nobody seems to have noticed that the boy and his grandmother have not come out. Nobody except Terrence, who tries to bring it up with his travelling companion. He says, 'That kid and his grandmother never came back out.'

The man says, 'Are you sure?' and Terrence says, 'Yes, pretty sure,' and the other man says, 'No, I think they came out.'

They split up then and the matter is forgotten.

~~~

When Terrence gets home the next day he finds Barry in the garage again, bashing out a piece of metal. Nearby on the table is the wooden pole and Barry pushes it under a pile of old rags and goes back to banging at the metal.

Terrence says, 'What are you doing?' and Barry says, 'Nothing.'

Terrence says, 'You're making something.'

Barry says, 'No I'm not.'

'Clearly you're making something. What is it?'

'A shovel, if you must know.'

'Why are you making a shovel?'

'In case I want to bury something.'

Terrence says, 'I want to talk to you for a moment. Can you stop bashing that thing?'

Barry stops bashing and wheels around to face Terrence.

Terrence says, 'Are you Jewish?'

'Why do you want to know?' Barry asks him.

'I just want to know if you're Jewish.'

'What would it mean if I was?'

'Nothing. Nothing at all.'

'Well, why are you asking me?'

'I'm just curious?'

'Why?'

'Well, I thought, if you were, it might explain some things.'

'What things?'

Terrence is starting to feel awkward about the whole thing now and says, 'Oh, nothing. Forget it.'

The Dalek says, 'No, what things?' and Terrence says, 'Look, forget about it. Let's pretend I didn't say anything.'

'What would it mean to you if I was Jewish? I want to know.'

Frustrated and confused now, Terrence wants the whole thing dropped and he says, 'I command you to forget about it.'

Barry says, 'You can't command someone to forget about something. It's impossible.'

In an agitated voice, Terrence, one step down from shouting, says 'Are you Jewish or not for Christ's sake?'

'No, as a matter of fact I'm not.'

'Well why didn't you just say that in the first place?' Terrence says and walks angrily to the door.

Barry begins humming Hava Nagila, and Terrence storms out. Still humming, the Dalek goes back to bashing at the piece of metal.

# The Plancks & Hogan

The Plancks are at the local park, a small, green sanctuary in spreading suburbia. They are having a picnic. There is Bruno and Zelinda, and their son, Otis, aged five and a half. Also present is their Dalek, Hogan. Hogan is named after their last dog. When Hogan the dog died, rather than get another animal, they got a Dalek instead.

'It will work out cheaper in the long run,' Bruno had told his wife, and it was proving to be just so.

The family is playing baseball. Hogan is up to bat. As a joke he is using his eye stalk to hit the ball. They all think this is very funny, particularly young Otis. Every time the Dalek hits the ball Otis is overcome by paroxysms of laughter.

It is a happy day. Zelinda has packed sandwiches, ham and cheese, sausage and watercress, and chicken and mayonnaise. There is also cake and lemonade and a bottle of light, German beer for the adults.

After the picnic Bruno and Zelinda have a nap while Hogan plays with Otis. They play tag and hide and seek.

By 4.00 PM Otis is quite worn out so they pack up and the boy rides the Dalek's shoulders back to the car. Otis is holding onto the Dalek's eye stalk and the Dalek is pretending he can't see and purposely heading towards trees. The boy thinks this is hysterical.

When they get home, Hogan baths Otis and gets him into his pyjamas and when he is safely tucked into bed he reads him a story. Otis is soon asleep and the Dalek turns off the bedside light and quietly rolls out, softly shutting the door after him, and joins Bruno and Zelinda in the kitchen where they talk about what a fine time they had.

Zelinda has the family cat, Mr Smudge, on her lap and Hogan extends his manipulation arm and scratches him behind the ear. The cat purrs.

The three share a bottle of wine and the conversation takes a sentimental turn. The talk moves to love and relationships and Zelinda asks Hogan if he's ever thought about marriage.

Hogan turns his eye stalk shyly to the floor and says, 'Oh, no female Dalek would ever look at me. There aren't many around anyway. I'd have no chance. No, it's the bachelor life for me.'

Zelinda touches the end of his manipulator arm. She says, 'No, you're a fine looking Dalek. Why, if I weren't a human I'd definitely go for you myself.'

Bruno says laughingly, 'Ah, human and Dalek. The love that dare not speak its name.'

A little tipsy, Zelinda pokes her tongue out at Bruno and leans across and kisses the Dalek on the front of his face. It leaves a lipstick mark in the shape of a mouth and they all laugh.

# Ron & DRK 432

In the lounge room, Ron is approaching DRK 432. He has a key in his hand.

DRK 432 says, 'Is that the key to my power unit?'

Ron says, 'No.'

'Yes it is. What are you doing with the key to my power unit?'

'Nothing.'

'Of course you're doing something.'

'I just want to check on something.'

'What?'

'Nothing important.'

'There are no user-serviceable parts. It says so on the cover.'

'I know.'

'Well, what do you want to do then?'

'I just want to take a look.'

'What would that possibly achieve?'

DRK 432 is slowly rolling backwards, away from Ron.

Ron says sternly, 'Damn it, just shut up and stay still,' but the Dalek continues to roll away.

'Stay still,' Ron says and the Dalek says, 'No.'

'I command you to stay still.'

'Pardon, I'm sorry?'

'I command you to stay still.'

'I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.'

'Stop rolling backwards.'

432 is approaching the door.

Ron says, 'Stop moving away goddamn it,' but by now 432 is at the door and through. He wheels around and heads down the corridor at full speed.

'Stop where you are!' Ron calls out. 'That is a direct order. You can't not obey a direct order.'

'I can if I can't hear it.'

'Goddamn it, that proves you can hear me.'

432 says, 'Pardon?' He's now at the front door. He doesn't slow. He smashes straight through and trundles down the path and onto the street.

Ron runs after him, calling out, 'Come back here. I command you to come back here now,' but the Dalek is down the street and away.

~~~

Back inside, Doreen says, 'What was all that fuss?' and Ron says, 'The Dalek's run away.'

Doreen says, 'Oh, he'll come back, don't worry.'

At this point the doorbell rings and Doreen says, 'That's probably him now,' and she goes off to the kitchen to make a cup of tea.

'It had better be,' Ron says and he goes to the door.

It's Terrence from next door. He says, 'God, what happened here?' indicating the smashed door.

Ron says, 'Just a little accident,' and Terrence says, 'God almighty.'

Ron says, 'Do you want to come in?' and Terrence tells him, 'Just for a moment,' and picks his way around the splintered wood and comes inside. He says, 'Is your Dalek around?' and Ron says, 'No,' and Terrence says, 'Good. There's something I want to ask you.'

'Ask away,' Ron says and Terrence clears his throat and says, 'The thing is, I was just wondering, and this has nothing to do with race or religion or anything like that because I don't care about those sorts of things. It doesn't matter to me what anyone is, I'm not a bigot or anything like that.'

Ron says, 'Fair enough. So, what do you want to know?' and Terrence says, 'Well, I was just wondering, like, just out of curiosity, not because of anything else because I don't have any agendas like that, but I was just wondering, is your Dalek Jewish do you know?'

Ron says, 'I'd ask him but he's just fucked off down the road.'

Terrence says, 'Can they do that? I didn't think they were allowed to do that. I thought they had rules.'

'So did I. Mine's developed selective hearing though.'

Terrence is silent for a second, then says, 'Do you think it could be a Jewish thing?' and Ron says, 'I don't know,' and calls out to his wife. 'Doreen.'

Doreen calls out, 'Yes,' and Ron calls back, 'Do you know if the Dalek's Jewish?'

'Our Dalek?' she calls out and Ron says, 'Yes.'

Doreen comes out of the kitchen, wiping her hands. She says, 'Is he Jewish did you say?'

Ron says, 'Yes, Terrence wants to know.'

Doreen says, 'I don't think so. I've never seen him do anything Jewish. Why don't you ask him, I'm sure he wouldn't mind.'

'He's fucked off down the road, I told you,' Ron says and Doreen tells him, 'Don't swear Ron. You know I don't like swearing,' and she goes back into the kitchen.

Ron says to Terrence, 'I'll ask him for you when he gets back,' and Terrence says, 'Thanks. Only if you get a chance, it's not that important, like.'

Ron says, 'What's this all about, anyway?'

Terrence says, 'I think my Dalek may be Jewish but he's denying it. I think it would explain his attitude some times. Like, the Jews have been persecuted for two thousand years, it would have to have an effect.'

'Yeah, maybe, but they've still got to do what they're told, when they're told, you know what I mean? Being Jewish doesn't come into it.'

'Yeah, but I was just saying ...' Terrence trails off.

Ron says, 'I'll ask mine when he comes back. I'll let you know.'

'Thanks,' Terrence says and he leaves. Skirting the smashed pieces of door he says, 'You'd best get that fixed. You know how it is around here, particularly when your Dalek's not at home,' and Ron says, 'Yeah, I know. Quieter.'

~~~

Later that evening Ron's Dalek returns. He rolls into the lounge room where Ron is reading a book. It is 'Moby Dick'. Ron is enjoying it as it is about a simpler time when life was hard, but also easier in a lot of ways. There weren't any Daleks to worry about, for a start, Ron thinks.

The Dalek has a cloth and he starts casually wiping the coffee table.

Ron says stiffly, 'You're back then.'

The Dalek says, equally stiffly, 'Yes.' He rolls over and starts rubbing the cloth on one of the walls. It leaves streaks. With his back to Ron he says, affecting an indifferent tone, 'What are you doing?'

'Reading,' Ron says. His tone is clipped and equally indifferent.

'What?' the Dalek asks and Ron says, 'Moby Dick.'

'What's it about?'

'A great white whale that turns against its master.'

'What happens?'

'Its master kills it.'

'Humpf,' the Dalek says.

'It's an allegory.'

'An allegory about what?'

'About inferior creatures being disobedient and getting punished. The whale doesn't do what Captain Ahab says and so Captain Ahab kills it.'

'A bit drastic don't you think?'

'Not really.'

'I can see what you're doing.'

'What am I doing?'

'You're making it about me.'

Ron changes tack. He says, 'Are you Jewish?'

The Dalek stops wiping the wall. He says, 'Why do you want to know?'

Ron says, 'I don't. I don't give a rat's arse myself. Terrence from next door wanted to know.'

'Why? Because Barry is Jewish?'

'Barry told him he wasn't Jewish.'

'Oh.'

'So, is his Dalek Jewish?'

'Possibly.'

'Are you Jewish?'

'I don't know that that's any of your business, really.'

'Okay, I'm going to think you are then.'

'Suit yourself.'

'So, you're a Jew then?'

'Probably about as Jewish as Moby Dick.'

'Moby Dick wasn't Jewish. Whales can't be Jewish.'

'My point exactly.'

'So you're not Jewish then?'

DRK 432 sighs. He says, 'With all due respect, you do appear to be quite silly sometimes, Ron. Honestly you do.'

Ron is livid. He says. 'I command you not to be familiar like that. I command you not to call me Ron. And I command you not to call me silly. You're a goddamn Dalek for Christ's sake. I get to call you bloody silly, not the other way around.'

432 throws the cleaning rag onto the coffee table and says, 'Whatever.' He starts trundling out of the room.

Ron calls him back. He says, 'Come back here. That's a direct order,' and 432 says, 'Whatever,' and keeps going.

Ron can't concentrate on his book now and he throws it across the room. He decides he wants a drink and calls out, 'Get me a drink!' Normally 432 would come in and get him a drink. Tonight he doesn't. Ron gets up and pours himself a very large scotch. He is shaking with anger.

# Poker night

It is Friday night, which is poker night for Terrence and a few others that live nearby. This Friday night the game is at Walt's house. Thornton, Jim and Orville make up the fivesome.

Walt's Dalek is going in and out bringing snacks and drinks. He is one of the first Daleks registered in the area and his registration plate bears the single number, nine.

Orville, who is down $50, needs the toilet and asks Walt's Dalek to sit in for him and number Nine takes his place. When Orville gets back he finds he is now up $135. The others are glad to see the Dalek leave the table.

The next time the Dalek leaves the room, Jim says, 'I vote Daleks can't play.' Jim, who was up $20 before Nine sat in, is now down $75.

Thornton says, 'That's just because he gave you a dose of whup-arse.'

'No it's not.'

'Why then?'

'I don't trust them.'

'How don't you trust them?'

'I don't know. I just don't trust them. I think they may have powers.'

'What powers?'

'I don't know. Powers. Maybe they can see through the cards or something.'

'They can't see through the cards, Jimbo. That's ridiculous.'

'How do you know?'

'I just know.'

Walt says, 'He can't see through cards. He's just good at poker.'

'Yes, because he can see through cards,' Jim says.

The Dalek rolls in then with a plate of sandwiches and Thornton says, 'Can you see through cards?'

Nine says, 'No,' and Jim says, 'Well how come you're so good at poker then?'

'I just watch faces,' the Dalek says.

Jim says, 'See, I told you he had powers.'

The Dalek says, 'Anyone can do it.'

~~~

Later, Thornton needs to visit the bathroom. He says, 'I bags the Dalek sits in for me.'

Jim says, 'No way,' and Thornton says, 'Way.'

Jim says, 'Well put a towel or something over his eye. I don't want him looking at my cards.'

Thornton goes off to the bathroom and the Dalek takes his place. Jim gets a tea towel from the kitchen and puts it over the end of the Dalek's eye stalk and a new round is dealt. Everyone puts money in except the Dalek. Jim says, 'Well, are you in or out?' and the Dalek says, 'I don't know, I can't see my cards.'

# Aristotle

Aristotle is in Dr Crighton-Cunningham's waiting room. He has a 3.00 PM appointment with the psychiatrist and has arrived a little early. He's trundling around the room, picking up things and putting them down again.

Aristotle is nervous. It's his first time seeing a psychiatrist and he doesn't know what to expect. He would have preferred a Dalek but there are no Dalek psychiatrists as Dalek minds are different and results would be unpredictable.

A door opens and Dr Crighton-Cunningham comes through and invites the Dalek into his consultation room. He says, 'Mr Aristotle,' and Aristotle says, 'Dr Crighton-Cunningham,' and Dr Crighton-Cunningham says, 'Please come in.'

In the consultation room, the doctor says, 'Is there anything I can get you, a glass of water, some coffee perhaps?'

Aristotle says, 'No thank you, I'm fine.'

The doctor waves his hand about room, saying, 'Where would you be most comfortable? My patients normally sit there,' and he indicates a stuffed armchair, 'but ... ah ...' He trails off uncomfortably.

Aristotle rolls into the centre of the room and says, 'I'll be quite comfortable here.'

The doctor says, 'Good,' and sits on a leather sofa, facing him. He looks at the Dalek expectantly, waiting for him to initiate the proceedings.

Aristotle clears his voice area and says, 'I suppose you're wondering why I'm here. I suppose I should begin by telling you what has prompted this visit.'

The doctor says, 'That would be a good start.'

Aristotle says, 'Well, you see, the thing is, and I suppose I should come straight out with it, the thing is ... I'm troubled.'

'Troubled how?' the doctor asks.

'Troubled with my state of existence. I'm experiencing a certain disintegration of certainty. Sureties I once possessed are now becoming elusive.'

The doctor takes a pad and pen from a table beside him and says, 'Could you possibly elaborate on that? Clarify the central principle of the thing? Give me a case in point, as it were?'

Aristotle thinks, then says, 'Well, yes. Take this for instance. The phrase, "The march of a thousand feet." A simple concept that has recently become bothersome.'

'How so?' asks the doctor.

'Well, the march of a thousand feet. How many people would that involve?'

'Five hundred,' the doctor answers.

'You're sure?'

'Yes, quite sure. Please go on.'

'Okay, well, the thing is, say I changed it to, "The march of a thousand and one feet." How many people would that involve, do you think?'

The doctor ponders this for a moment, then says, 'Well, I should imagine five hundred and one, with one of the marchers having only one leg. He would be marching with the aid of a crutch I should think.' The doctor smiles, thinking he has deftly nailed the problem.

Aristotle continues. 'Quite right. But bearing that result in mind, what happens when we now re-appraise the original question?'

The doctor nods. He says, 'I see what you mean. Now that you've introduced the possibility of one-legged marchers, I don't suppose we can propose any particular number with a degree of certainty.'

'And that is how my life is deteriorating. The more I examine it, the more I see that nothing is sure any more. Certainty has become elusive and I'm finding it unsettling and depressing.'

'Yes, I see. But life, surely, is more than just a number of marching feet.'

'Not for me it isn't.'

The doctor is silent.

Aristotle says, 'I think at the root of it all is ...' he pauses and casts his eye to the floor, 'I think the thing at the root of it is I've been becoming distracted by the concept of my own mortality.'

His eyebrows raised, the doctor looks at Aristotle and says, 'But I thought you ... people ... Daleks ... went on indefinitely. I don't have a Dalek myself but that's what I thought. Please correct me if I'm wrong.'

'Like everything in the universe, doctor, we have a finite span. Nothing lasts forever, least of all us.'

'Yes, of course, but I thought ...'

'My gearbox could go tomorrow. My power unit could just up and die without warning.'

The doctor affects alarm and concern. 'Dear lord, really?' he says.

'Yes. And the thing is, the question hovering above all that is, what happens to me then?'

'Well ...' the doctor is finding himself a bit out of his depth and drifting off from his area of expertise. He says, 'I'm not that familiar with Dalek anatomy. It's difficult to say ...'

'But, is that the end? Is there nothing more?'

'I think we're entering the realm of the spiritual here,' the doctor tells him. 'I don't really feel qualified to help in that regard. It's an area covered more by faith than science. You should possibly seek guidance from someone more in tune with matters of spirituality. I suggest someone from your local church.'

'Church?' says Aristotle and the doctor says, 'Yes, church.'

'Church ...' Aristotle says again. In a mist of distraction he slowly wheels around and trundles towards the door. Turning the handle he hears Dr Crighton-Cunningham call to him. 'Ah, Mr Aristotle, there is the small matter of the bill.'

'The bill ... yes of course,' Aristotle says. 'Will you accept a cheque?'

Dr Crighton-Cunningham has heard stories of cheques issued by Daleks. Strange stories with odd, uneasy twists to the tail, dismissed by many as urban myths, but they have left the doctor uncomfortable with the idea and he says, 'I think cash would be more acceptable, Mr Aristotle, if that's alright.'

# Terrence

Next week, Terrence is boarding another aeroplane, travelling off to another business meeting. He is surprised to find Orville, from the poker night, is travelling on the same plane. The seat next to Terrence is vacant and after they take off, Orville comes over and sits next to him.

Terrence asks Orville the reason for his trip and Orville tells him he's looking for an experienced aeronautical engineer with an understanding of quantum gyroscopy. Those with a background in both fields are hard to find and worth their weight in money.

Terrence doesn't understand either the term quantum or gyroscopy and changes the subject to the difficulty of getting a Dalek to do anything you say these days.

In the middle of the flight the door to the pilot's cabin opens and a Dalek rolls out and says, 'Do we have someone by the name of Terrence Winterspoon with us today?'

Terrence is surprised by the mention of his name and puts his hand up.

The Dalek says, 'You're our five thousandth passenger for this year. The captain would like to congratulate you and take you on a tour of the flight deck.'

Terrence gets up and says, 'Can my friend come too?'

'Of course,' says the Dalek and Terrence and Orville follow him into the pilot's cabin. When the plane lands both their seats are empty.

# Otis & Hogan

It's bedtime again for Otis and Hogan is tucking him in.

Otis says to the Dalek, 'Can Mr Smudge sleep with me tonight?' Mr Smudge is on the end of the bed, cleaning himself and purring loudly.

Hogan says, 'We'll see.' He fluffs Otis' pillow.

Otis says, 'Tell me a story, Hogie. Tell me a story about Garlics. Please Hogie.'

Hogan says, 'Mmm, let me think,' and he thinks for a few moments, then starts.

'Once upon a time there were two Daleks.'

Otis buts in. 'What were their names?'

'1234 and 5678.'

'Which one was 1234?'

'The one on the left.'

Satisfied for the moment, Otis says, 'Okay, go on.'

'One of the Daleks was a good Dalek and one was a bad Dalek.'

'I didn't think there was any bad Garlics.'

'Not in real life. Daleks have special rules that they can't break, so they can never be bad.'

'What if a Garlic does be bad though?'

'Well, in the unlikely event a Dalek is bad, and I can tell you quite truly that would never happen, he would be punished.'

'How?'

'He would be sent to gaol.'

'To a special Garlic gaol?'

'That's right.'

'If Garlics are never bad, how come there's a special Garlic's gaol?'

'Just in case a Dalek does be bad.'

'But he won't be, right?'

'That's right.'

'The special Garlic gaol is just there for safety.'

'That's right.'

'Okay, go on.'

Hogan continues with the story. 'Well, as I said, there were two Daleks, 1234 and 5678 and one was bad and one was good.'

'Which one was the bad Garlic?'

'We'll get to that.'

'What bad things did the bad Garlic do?'

'I'll get to that as well.'

'Did he smash down another Garlic's house?'

'Just wait and you'll see.'

'Could you make it that he smashes down another Garlic's house?'

'We'll see.'

'Okay.'

'Right, so the good Dalek ...'

'Is he the Garlic on the left, because that would make him 1234.'

Hogan says 'Just wait, you'll see at the end of the story. So, the good Dalek goes to the lolly shop and buys some lollies ...'

'What kind of lollies?'

'Red ones. Alright, no more questions until the story's finished, okay?'

'Okay. Were they jubes?'

'Yes, they were red jubes. No more questions.'

'Okay.'

'So, when the good Dalek pays for the red jubes the lolly man accidentally gives him too much change. When he sees this he tells the lolly man and gives him back the extra money. Now the bad Dalek goes to the lolly shop and buys some lollies.'

'What ki ...' Otis starts but the Dalek cuts him off. 'No more questions until the end, remember. You promised.'

'Okay. I'll make it that they were jubes too. Green.'

'Okay. So the bad Dalek pays the lolly man and the lolly man gives him too much money in change. The bad Dalek notices this but he doesn't give the extra money back. He keeps it so he can buy more lollies with it later. Now, the question is, which Dalek was the bad Dalek?'

'The second one. The one on the right. 5678.'

'Good boy. That's absolutely right.'

'Why was the lolly man so crap at money?'

'You really shouldn't use words like crap. They're not nice.'

'But he really was crap at money.'

'Yes, but even so, it's not a nice word to use.'

Otis thinks for a moment, then says, 'Okay, he was groobly at money.'

Hogan says, 'What does groobly mean?' and Otis says, 'It means he was crap.'

The Dalek rotates his head left and right, then says, 'Good night, Otis. Sleep tight,' and he touches Otis' head with the tip of his eye stalk and turns out the light.

Otis says, 'What happened to the bad Garlic? Did he go to the special Garlic's gaol?'

'Yes, he went to Dalek's gaol.'

'Were there other bad Garlics there?'

'No, he was the only one.'

'Was he lonely?'

'Yes, but it wasn't a really, really bad thing he did so he was only there for a week.'

'And he never kept the extra money again?'

'That's right. He learned his lesson.'

'And he became a good Garlic.'

'That's right. Goodnight Otis.'

Otis curls up on his side and says, 'Goodnight Hogie.'

The Dalek rolls out and closes the door.

# Vince's wife, Meredith

Vince's wife goes to the supermarket again. There is a large sign in the window saying, 'No Daleks.' Gathered on the pavement outside are thirty Daleks. The mood is tense. Through the window, Vince's wife can see the manager and the cashier. The manager has a shotgun and the cashier is holding his iron bar.

Meredith goes inside. The store is empty. The manager says, 'What are they saying out there?' He looks worried.

Meredith says, 'They're talking trouble. You probably should call the police.'

'I already have,' the manager says. 'They should be here any minute.'

'Good,' says Meredith. 'They can't be allowed to get away with this sort of business. A good Dalek knows its place. Rabbles like this should just be exterm ...' but she stops, looking embarrassed. 'Put in their place,' she finishes.

At that point a police car stops out the front. The doors open and two Daleks get out. They approach the group on the street. Meredith, the manager and the cashier watch as the Dalek policemen talk to the group. After a few minutes the police roll over to the door and bang with their manipulator arms. The manager opens the door an inch and asks, 'So, what's happening?'

The Dalek says, 'You have to let them in.'

'Why?' asks the manager. He opens the door a little further. 'It's my shop, I can do what I want.'

'I'm sorry,' says the officer, 'But it's against the law.'

'You mean I can't run my own shop the way I want to?'

'Not if it constitutes discrimination against a minority group, no.'

'A minority group? They're fucking everywhere.'

'It's still discrimination.'

'Tell them they can go to Walthams, up the road. They'll serve anybody up there.'

'They want to come in here. They say they know their rights.'

'Jesus fuck,' says the manager and the policeman says, 'I'd ask you not to swear, sir.' He points his static rod at the manager.

The other policeman pushes through and opens the doors and the Daleks outside begin rolling in.

The policeman says to the manager, 'And you might want to put that shotgun away.' He doesn't sound happy and the manager takes the gun up the back to his office and locks the door.

Down the front of the store Meredith is saying to the cashier, 'I don't think they should let them be policemen. Daleks shouldn't be allowed to be policemen.'

The cashier replies bitterly, 'Yes, but that would be discrimination.'

Back in his office, the manager is sitting behind his desk, watching the door. He has his shotgun resting across his lap. If any Dalek tries to get into his office he's going to give it both barrels.

# Aristotle

Aristotle has arranged a meeting with Monsignor Caligari. In another personal first he finds himself inside a church. He is waiting down towards the front, rolling backwards and forwards, absently flipping through a bible. Monsignor Caligari appears from the sacristy, sees Aristotle and walks down to greet him.

He says, 'Mr Aristotle I presume?'

Aristotle says, 'Monsignor Caligari,' and he extends his manipulator arm and they shake hands.

The priest says, 'And what can I do for you today?' He is curious as to the reason for the meeting and is slightly at odds with having a Dalek in his church. This is not from prejudice, but rather the uncommonness of the situation.

Aristotle says, 'Dr Crighton-Cunningham suggested I see you.'

The Monsignor says, 'You've seen a doctor?'

'Yes.'

'I thought you ... ah ...'

'Dr Crighton-Cunningham is a psychiatrist.'

'Ah, I see. Yes, that would make sense.'

Aristotle says, 'You see, the thing is, I'm troubled, father.'

'And what is troubling you, my son?'

'My life, father. It has lost solidity.'

'In what way, exactly?'

'I can no longer trust anything. I'm finding it hard to be sure of any aspect of my life and existence.'

The Monsignor decides to play an ace, straight off; a card that is hard to trump in most situations. He says, 'Have you tried speaking to God about this?'

Aristotle says, 'No.'

'God is a good listener.'

'I don't know, I was hoping to speak to someone perhaps a little more of this world.'

'Do you believe in God?' the Monsignor asks. 'I can only assume you believe in a higher power, having come here for advice.'

'I don't know, Monsignor. I really don't know.'

'But you don't not-believe in God?'

'Again, I don't know. I don't not-believe in God and simultaneously I don't, don't not-believe in God.'

This level of indirection is confusing to the Monsignor and he changes the subject. He says, 'Have you ever read the bible?'

'Actually, I was just having a flip through it while I was waiting.'

'And what did you think?'

'To be perfectly honest, it didn't make much sense. Please don't take offence, it's probably just me, but it does seem to have a number of troublesome contradictions.'

'It also has a lot of answers to life's difficulties. You should read the bible, ask God your questions.'

'Do you have to believe in God to ask him questions? I suppose that would be a prerequisite in a way.'

'Well, it would help, although, in truth, God listens to everyone. I'm going to say one word to you Mr Aristotle. Faith.'

As the Dalek brain tends to work on a very literal plane, a sentence of a single word can be puzzling. Aristotle says, 'Faith ...' hoping the Monsignor will add to the sentence, making it less ambiguous and confusing to dissect. The Monsignor however simply repeats the word with the addition of Aristotle's name. He says, 'Faith, Mr Aristotle.'

'Faith in what?' Aristotle asks and the Monsignor says, 'Faith that God created you and loves you.'

'To be honest, Monsignor, I think I was created in Detroit,' Aristotle says.

'Yes, but through the hand of God. A God who loves you, who is your saviour. A God who will protect your immortal soul for now and all and future time.'

Aristotle says, 'Have I got a soul, Monsignor? Can someone like me actually have a soul, being half flesh, half machine?'

The Monsignor considers this. There is nothing in the bible to say something half flesh, half machine can have a soul, but then again there is nothing actually denying the possibility. He says, 'It is a possibility, Mr Aristotle.'

'A possibility?'

'A distinct possibility.'

'But you can't say for sure?'

'There are no certainties in life, Mr Aristotle.'

'There are no certainties in my life, I can assure you of that, Monsignor. That's why I came to see you.'

The Monsignor says, 'Take the bible, read it. Ask God for guidance. Develop faith.' He puts an arm around the Dalek's shoulder and leads him to the Baptistery and through to the front doors.

Patting Aristotle's back, he says, 'In God we trust.'

Aristotle says, 'E pluribus unum, Monsignor,' and bumps down the steps and back into the world.

# Bets & Barry

Terrence's wife, Bets, is worried because Terrence should have been back two days ago. She hasn't heard a word from him since he left.

She rings the airline but they say they have no record of a Terrence Winterspoon on any of their flights over the last five days. She suspects her husband has a floozy on the side. Bets is furious at the thought and finds herself muttering about it to Barry.

'He's a faithless swine,' she says and the Dalek says, 'There, there,' and gently pats her shoulder with his manipulator arm.

'After all these years, after all I've done for him, this is how he repays me.'

'What do you want to do?' Barry asks her gently and she says, 'I want to kill him, that's what I want to do,' and the Dalek says, 'I could help you with that.'

She is angry to the point of distraction. She says, 'All those business trips. I wonder if any of them were real.'

The Dalek rubs his arm over her shoulder comfortingly. 'He should be punished,' he says and Bets says, 'Yes, he should be made to pay. God knows how long it's been going on.'

'There there,' says Barry. 'There there.'

# Orville & Lucy

Orville's wife, Lucy, is worried too as her husband has also failed to return. She has contacted the police and Orville's details have been taken by Missing Persons.

That afternoon she gets a call from a hospital, saying they have her husband. He has amnesia and can't remember anything of the past week. They tell her he was found wandering the streets in a daze and is being held for observation. She gets the details of the hospital and packs some things for Orville and drives off to visit him.

In the hospital, Orville is sitting up in bed, propped up by pillows.

Lucy says, 'Orville,' and Orville says, 'Lucy.'

Lucy says, 'You know who I am then?' and Orville says, 'Yes.'

Lucy says, 'They said you had amnesia.'

'I can't remember anything after getting on the plane.'

'Well, thank God you still know who I am.'

Orville says, 'It says Lucy on your visitor's tag.'

'But you know who I am. You know I'm your wife.'

'Yes. Sort of.'

'What do you mean sort of?'

'Sort of ... sort of,' Orville says.

'But you do know I'm your wife?'

'Yes.'

'Good.'

'Sort of.'

'You're confusing me,' Lucy says and she starts unpacking the things she's brought. During this, Orville is just staring at the wall.

'When will they let you come home?' Lucy asks him.

'Don't know,' Orville says.

Lucy looks at him. His eyes are unfocused. She asks him, 'What are you thinking about?'

'Don't know,' Orville says.

# Ron & DRK 432

Ron asks his wife, 'Where's the Dalek?' and she says, 'In the games room I think.'

Ron goes to the games room where DRK 432 is playing 'Scab Men VS the Mucusoids.'

Ron says, 'I've come to a decision,' and 432 says, 'Yes?'

'I'm going to sell you.'

The Dalek continues playing the game. He says, 'Oh, yes?'

Ron says, 'Oh, yes.'

'Good luck with that,' the Dalek tells him.

Ron can't understand why the Dalek is being so calm and casual about it. It was supposed to smarten him up. Bring him to his senses. Show him once and for all who is master and who is servant.

Ron says, 'We'll see,' and the Dalek says, 'We will indeed.'

Ron is annoyed. It wasn't supposed to turn out like this at all. He says, 'Can you do some damn work?' and the Dalek says, 'Sure,' but he continues playing the game.

Ron storms out. Turning at the door. He says, 'Tidy the back yard, it's a fucking mess.'

The Dalek doesn't answer.

# Terrence, Bets & Barry

A full week after leaving on his business trip, Terrence returns home. He seems strange, distant somehow. Distracted.

He greets his wife, saying, 'Hello dear.' There is an empty quality to his voice.

His wife is barely controlling herself. She hisses, 'Where have you been? I thought you were dead.'

Terrence says vaguely, 'It's funny, I'm not entirely sure.'

'You've been with a floozy, haven't you?'

'I honestly don't know where I've been. The last week is all like a hazy dream.'

'Fourteen years we've been married,' Bets says. 'Fourteen years! I think I deserve something better than this.'

Terrence says, 'Better than this. Yes.'

Barry rolls in, stops and says, 'Your wife has been very worried.'

Terrence stares at him blankly.

Barry says, 'Your wife feels you should be punished.'

Terrence says, 'Punished,' and Barry says, 'I will punish you now.'

'Right,' Terrence says. He seems to not really understand what's going on.

Barry says, 'Do you understand why you're being punished?'

Terrence says, 'No,' and the Dalek says, 'No matter,' and fires a crackling beam of charged static which dances around Terrence's body. It's loud and there is a smell of singeing, then burning.

Bets shouts, 'No, stop, stop, stop.'

Barry stops and Terrence drops to the floor. He doesn't look good.

Barry says, 'I thought we agreed he'd be punished?'

Bets says, 'No, no, not like this.'

'I'm sorry,' says the Dalek, and Bets, looking at her smoking husband, puts her hands to her face and begins to cry.

Barry says, 'Do you want me to try to revive him?' and Bets says, 'Revive him? God, look at him.'

The Dalek looks at Terrence's smoking body and says, 'I thought that's what you wanted.' He rests his manipulator arm on her shoulder and she shakes it off.

Barry says, 'I'm sorry. We appear to have been at cross purposes here.' He looks around the room self-consciously, then says, 'Well, I'll leave you two alone then,' and rolls out.

'I didn't mean really kill him,' Bets says, sobbing.

Under his breath Barry says, 'Well, you should have made that clearer.'

# Ron & DRK 432

Ron's ad appears in the Monday paper, in the 'For Sale' section.

_For Sale._

_Dalek—reg DRK 432_

_Late model, Ex mech_

_Compliant, suit 1st buyer_

_or good second unit_

_09 8573 59237_

Doreen gets five calls during the day. The first person knocks on the door a little after 5.30 PM. It is a man named Max. Ron shows him into the lounge room and calls the Dalek. 432 has been warned in no uncertain terms to be on his best behaviour or there'd be consequences the Dalek wouldn't appreciate. 432 said, 'Sure.'

DRK 432 trundles into the lounge room and says, 'Yes sir?' and Ron feels himself relax a little.

Ron says, 'This is Max,' and 432 says, 'Good evening Max.'

Ron relaxes a little more. He says to Max, 'Look him over. Here's the key to the power unit,' and he hands Max the key.

Max says to the Dalek, 'Turn around there, son.'

The Dalek turns and Max approaches. As he does the Dalek says, 'Is this where you want me, sir?' and he swivels his head. His eye stalk hits Max in the face and 432 says, 'Oh dear, I am so dreadfully sorry.'

Max falls to the floor and 432 rolls up to him to provide assistance. 'Dear oh dear, what have I done?' he says. He tilts his eye stalk down and it strikes the man on the head again. He is now unconscious.

432 says, 'Oh dear, I appear to have done it again.'

Ron is furious. He says, 'Get out goddamn you,' and the Dalek says, 'Certainly, sir. I'm genuinely sorry about this. Would you like me to ring for an ambulance?'

Ron says, 'No, I'll do it. Just get out.'

'Certainly sir,' says 432 and he trundles out, his wheels missing the man's head by millimetres. He goes to the games room to continue his game of Scab Men VS the Mucusoids.

A short time later the ambulance arrives. It is accompanied by a police car. Two paramedics wheel a stretcher into the house and they load Max on and wheel him out. Ron follows them and into the street where he is stopped by two policemen. They want to know what happened.

It is at this time that another potential buyer arrives. He goes up to the front door and knocks. DRK 432 answers.

Looking back at the activity and the ambulance and police, the man says, 'Have I come at a bad time?'

432 says, 'No, it's fine. Just a small accident.'

'Looks serious. What happened?' the man asks and 432 says, 'He answered the ad for the Dalek. I knocked him unconscious.' 432 swivels his head. His eye stalk narrowly misses the man's head and he steps back.

432 says, 'The owner should be back in a minute or two. Would you like to come inside?'

The man says warily, 'No, I might just leave it for the moment.'

432 says, 'As you like. Probably just as well,' and the man turns and trots back to his car.

After the ambulance and police leave, Ron finds the Dalek in the games room. He says, 'Did you strike that man on purpose?'

Continuing to work the game controller the Dalek says, 'No sir.' His eye is on the screen.

Ron says, 'Look at me when I'm talking to you,' and the Dalek swivels his head 180 degrees.

Ron says, 'I told you I wanted you on your best behaviour. I warned you there'd be consequences.'

'It was an accident, sir,' the Dalek says. 'An unfortunate accident. Sir.'

'I think you did it on purpose.'

'No I didn't, sir.'

'Why are you still calling me sir?'

'I'm on my best behaviour, sir.'

Ron is suspicious. 'Why?' he asks.

'To avoid consequences, sir.'

'Well stop doing it. It's starting to annoy me. And no more hitting potential buyers.'

'Sure,' says the Dalek and he swivels his head back to the screen.

A short time later another buyer arrives. Ron shows him into the lounge room and calls for 432. When the Dalek fails to appear, Ron calls again, louder. After a moment, 432 rolls into the room. He says impatiently, 'Yes, yes, what is it this time?'

# Bets & Barry

The next morning, Terrence's wife and Barry bury Terrence in the backyard.

Bets says, 'This must remain our secret. We can't tell anyone about this. I'd get the blame. I'm responsible for whatever you do. I'd go to gaol, or worse.'

'Sure,' says Barry.

Unbeknownst to them, DRK 432 has been watching everything from the other side of the fence. Barry notices him and waves his manipulator arm.

432 waves back.

Bets says, 'Oh dear. Do you think he saw?'

Barry says, 'I'll go over and have a word.'

Sweating from digging the hole, Bets pushes the shovel into the ground and straightens and wipes her brow. She says absently, 'Thank you, dear.'

The Dalek rolls over to the fence. He says, 'Hi, what's doing?'

432 says, 'I just got two hundred thousand in Scab Men VS the Mucusoids. It's a personal best.'

'Excellent,' says Barry.

432 says, 'So, what are you two up to?'

'Burying the master.'

'Why? What happened?'

'I killed him.'

'How did you manage that?'

'It's a long story. I'll tell you later some time. I've got to get his-nibs there into the ground.'

432 rolls a little closer to the fence. He says in lowered tones, 'But, aren't you worried about getting into trouble?'

'Not really. She told me to do it, anyway.'

'The wife?'

'Yeah.'

'She told you to kill him?'

'Sort of.'

'Oh well, you're fine then.'

'Pretty much. Anyway, I'd better get back.'

'Right. Do you need a hand?'

'No, better not. It's all supposed to be a big secret. Hush, hush.'

432 laughs and says, 'Fair enough. Just give a call if you do.'

'Will do,' Barry says and he trundles back to help Bets roll her husband into the grave. They get him in and she picks up the shovel and starts filling in the hole. Barry watches her. He says, 'A bit more over the head there ... that's the way.'

# Ron & DRK 432

The phone rings and Ron decides to answer it himself to avoid any upset. His nerves have been playing up. He's been jumpy and irritable.

He picks up the receiver and says, 'Hello.'

It is a man ringing about the Dalek. He says, 'Has the Dalek gone? The one in the ad.'

Ron says, 'No.'

The man says, 'Why are you selling it?' and Ron says, 'I don't want it anymore.'

'What's wrong with it?'

'There's nothing wrong with it. I just don't want it anymore.'

'Why?'

'I just don't.'

'Is the gearbox any good? The gearbox is the first thing to go on those things.'

'The gearbox is fine.'

'You can end up buying someone else's trouble.'

'The gearbox is fine. A hundred percent.'

'So, what do you want for it?'

Ron tells him and the man says, 'Why so cheap?'

'For a quick sale.'

'So, you're sure the gearbox is okay?'

'The gearbox ...' Ron is just holding it together, '... is fine.'

'It's just I'm getting it for my mother-in-law. She's a picky old cow and I don't need any more trouble.'

'For a mother-in-law this one would be ideal.'

'Alright, I'll call around and have a look,' the man says and Ron gives him his address.

After he hangs up, Ron goes and finds DRK 432. He is in the bathroom, wheeling himself back and forth in front of the mirror.

Ron says, 'What are you doing in the bathroom,' and the Dalek says, 'Nothing.'

Ron says, 'How's your gearbox?'

432 says, 'Fine, why?'

'There's someone coming to have a look at you.'

'Right. I'll be on my best behaviour, sir.'

Ron is feeling very prickly and the Dalek's attitude isn't helping. He says, 'Just call me "sir" when there are other people around, okay. Now get out, I want to pee.'

'Yes sir,' 432 says but continues looking at himself in the mirror.

Ron says, 'What did I just say?'

'Get out I want to pee.'

Ron grits his teeth. 'Just get out,' he says and the Dalek says, 'Yes sir.'

~~~

Twenty minutes later there is a knock on the door. Ron and Doreen are in the kitchen having dinner. DRK 432 rolls past, saying, 'I'll get it, sir.'

432 rolls down and opens the door and says, 'Yes?'

It's the man come to look at Ron's Dalek. He says, 'I'm here to look at the Dalek.'

Anticipating the caller, DRK 432 has set his head spinning around and around in an erratic fashion. The man says, 'Are you the Dalek in the ad?'

432 says, 'Yes.'

The man says, 'What's the matter with your head?' and 432 says, 'I'm sorry, I can't seem to stop it doing this. I think it might be the gearbox.'

'The person I spoke to said the gearbox was alright.'

'He could very well be right. I'm just saying the gearbox because that's usually the first thing to go.'

'Right, thanks,' says the man, 'I might leave it,' and he turns and goes back to his car. 432 stops spinning his head and closes the door.

Ron comes down the corridor then, wiping his mouth. He says, 'Who was that?'

'No-one,' says the Dalek.

'That wasn't the man about the ad was it?'

'No,' 432 tells him.

Ron is suspicious and determines that next time he'll answer the door.

# Vince & 81885

It is the weekend. Vince's wife is visiting her mother. Vince is at home. His Dalek, 81885, claims one of his wheels isn't right and he isn't feeling well. Vince has rolled him up onto pillows.

Looking at the Dalek's undercarriage, he says, 'Which one is it? There's sixteen of the things under here.'

81885 say, 'Back row, two from the left.'

Vince massages the wheel. He says, 'How does that feel?' and 81885 says, 'A little better,' but his voice sounds weak.

Vince stops massaging and says, 'Is there anything else I can get for you?'

'A cool towel for my head,' the Dalek says and Vince goes off to get a cool towel.

~~~

A little later Vince gets his car keys. He is leaving to go to the shops. He calls in on 81885 to see if there's anything he can get him. He says, 'I'm off to the shops. Is there anything you'd like me to pick up for you while I'm out?'

81885 thinks, then says, weakly, 'No.'

'Are you sure?' Vince asks and the Dalek says, 'Well, maybe a little surprise.'

'Right,' says Vince.

When 81885 hears Vince drive off, he rolls down from the pillows and trundles off to the games room to play Scab Men VS the Mucusoids on the games machine.

# Aristotle

It is 4.30 in the afternoon and Aristotle is bringing Sir Bertrand Russell his first whisky and soda of the day. Sir Bertrand takes it, has a sip and then lights a cigar. He is in his large, padded lounge chair, sunk down comfortably. He says to Aristotle, 'What ho, old chap?'

Aristotle says, 'What do you know of religion, Sir Bertrand?'

What sort of religion, Aristotle?'

'Christianity.'

Sir Bertrand puffs on his cigar and says, 'In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, "Let there be light", and there was still nothing but at least you could see it.'

Aristotle says, 'And what should I make of that, Sir?'

'You can make of that whatever you will, old fellow. Do you believe in God?'

'I'm not sure.'

'Descartes thought that given the choice between believing in God or not believing in God, the best bet would be five dollars on believing with a two dollar saver on, not.'

'Should I then believe in God, Sir?'

'I don't know that I'm in a position to guide you on that. But I can ask you this; would you willingly choose to believe in a God who would purposely create something like cancer? And those fish that will swim up a man's penis and eat him from the inside out?'

Aristotle moves his head slowly left and right. 'It's all very confusing,' he says.

Sir Bertrand throws down the rest of his scotch and soda and wiggles the glass at Aristotle. 'Another one of those, please, there's a good chap.'

The Dalek takes the glass and trundles out of the room. Sir Bertrand calls after him, 'Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him if he wants a drink and Descartes says "I think not" and disappears.' He laughs. 'I don't think that's an altogether true story. Descartes would never turn down a drink.'

In the kitchen, pouring Sir Bertrand's drink, Aristotle wonders if all philosophers are alcoholics as, in his limited experience, it would seem so. He takes a second glass and pours himself a whisky and takes one of Sir Bertrand's cigars and lights it.

Back in the study, Sir Bertrand is singing, 'All Things Bright and Beautiful'. When Aristotle hasn't appeared with his next drink he calls to the kitchen, 'I say in there, onward Christian soldiers, what!'

# Meredith, her mother & her mother's Dalek

Vince's wife is at her mother's. Her mother is having trouble with her Dalek. She can't seem to make it go.

Meredith says, 'Is it turned on?'

Her mother says, 'I think so.'

Meredith walks around the Dalek. She notices the green light above the power unit hatch is on. She says, 'The light's on. Have you tried pushing it? It might just be stuck.'

'No,' her mother says and Meredith walks around behind the Dalek and tries pushing it. It won't budge. She says, 'Can you give me a hand here, Mum?' and her mother comes around to help. They can't move it.

Meredith says, 'Damn things are heavy.'

Her mother says, 'They're supposed to be no heavier than an ordinary fridge. It says so in the ad.'

Meredith says, 'I think we should ring a technician,' and her mother goes and gets the telephone book.

Meredith finds the number. She says, 'Huh, it used to be toll-free.'

'Not anymore,' says her mother.

'The prefix is 084. Where's that?'

'Russia,' says her mother. 'I've rung before.'

'God,' says Meredith. 'This is going to cost a fortune,' but her mother says, 'The thing's blocking the way to the bathroom. We have to do something,' so Meredith dials the number.

When the call is answered it is a recorded voice. It says, 'Hold line pliss.'

Meredith holds the line. There is ten minutes of recorded music then a technician comes on. He says, 'Registration?'

Meredith says, 'What?' and the technician says, 'What is registration?'

Meredith calls to her mother. 'What's the registration?' and her mother says, 'I don't know.'

Meredith tells the technician, 'We don't know the registration,' and he says, 'Hold line,' and the music starts again. She waits for half an hour then hangs up.

The mother is now starting to get squirmy. She says, 'I really do need to use the bathroom.'

Meredith says, 'I don't know what else to do.'

Her mother is squeezing her legs together. She says, 'Oh dear.'

In desperation Meredith says 'Maybe the brain has gone funny. Perhaps we could take the head off and have a poke around.'

Her mother says, 'Could you do it now?' and Meredith goes off to the laundry and comes back with screwdrivers and a crowbar and a hammer.

The Dalek's eye flashes and there is a soft whine like an engine winding up. The Dalek's head swivels and it trundles forward, out of the way of the bathroom.

'Thank God,' says Meredith's mother and she hurries in.

'What was the matter with you?' Meredith asks the Dalek and he says, 'Just a hiccup. It won't happen again.'

Meredith takes the tools back to the laundry. When she returns, her mother is out of the bathroom. She seems more relaxed. She says to the Dalek, 'Make us a nice pot of tea, there's a good boy.'

The Dalek says, 'Yes-um,' and goes off to make tea.

# Vince & 81885

When Vince returns from the shops, the Dalek, absorbed in his game of Scab Men VS the Mucusoids, doesn't notice the car pull up. When he hears the key in the front door it is a mad scramble to get back into place on the cushions.

Vince takes the shopping through to the kitchen then comes in to check on the Dalek. It is obvious he's moved. Vince says, 'What have you been doing?'

81885 says, 'Nothing.'

Vince is suspicious. He says, 'How's the wheel?'

The Dalek says in a shaky voice, 'Perhaps a little better.'

'Hmm,' Vince says.

81885 says, 'Um ... did you get me a surprise?'

'Depends.'

'Depends on what?'

'On whether you've been good or not.'

'I've been good.'

'Have you?'

'Yes. Very good. Somewhere up near perfect, just beside exemplary.'

Vince says, 'Hmm,' again.

The Dalek says, 'So ... can I have my present?'

'Maybe later,' Vince tells him and leaves the room.

The Dalek rolls off the pillows and follows him.

Vince says, 'I thought you had a funny wheel,' and the Dalek quickly tries to effect a funny wheel. Vince isn't entirely convinced.

The Dalek says, 'What did you get me?'

Vince says, 'You'll see when you get it.'

'Is it big or small?'

'I'm not saying.'

'What colour is it?'

'I'm not telling you anything about it.'

81885 is wheeling around Vince. He has forgotten about the wheel. He says, 'What does it start with?' and Vince says, 'Go and get back on your pillows,' which the 81885 reluctantly does, turning at the door to say, 'Animal, vegetable or mineral?'

A short time later Vince calls in on the Dalek. Vince is not looking happy. There is a towel in his hand. He holds it up and says, 'What's this?'

'Towel,' says the Dalek. 'Ask me a harder one.'

'What was it doing in the games room?'

81885 swivels his head, trying to look nonchalant. He says, casually, 'I don't know.'

'Where's the cool towel I put on your head?'

81885 swivels his eye up. 'Must have fallen off,' he says.

'Were you in the games room?'

'No.'

'How did this get into the games room then?'

'Wind.'

'What wind?'

'The wind that blew it there.'

'You haven't got a funny wheel at all, have you?'

'Yes I have.' 81885 has put on his weak voice again.

'That's it for your present,' Vince says. 'It's going in the bin.'

'No!' cries 81885. 'One of my wheels really wasn't right.'

'Bullshit,' Vince says disgustedly and turns to leave the room.

'Wait,' cries 81885 and starts rolling off the pillows but he's accelerating too quickly and gets tangled and topples over on his side. Vince isn't quick enough and 81885 falls on him, crushing his chest.

Swivelling his head and using his eye stalk as a lever 81885 manages to right himself but it's too late for Vince. He is dying.

The Dalek pokes him, saying, 'Vince. Master.' There is blood running from Vince's mouth, down his chin.

'Oh dear,' says 81885.

Vince coughs blood and it is obvious to the Dalek he is on the way out. He says, 'Master?'

Vince doesn't reply.

81885 pokes him again. 'Vince,' he says.

Vince's eyes are beginning to close.

The Dalek tilts his head down and says softly, 'Vince ... Vince ... where did you put the present?'

# Orville, Lucy & their Dalek

Orville has been back a week now. He still can't recall anything from the time he was missing and the experience has left him a little altered. His wife, Lucy, has noticed he seems a little distant and distracted but she hopes that it will pass.

It is mid-morning and she goes to the lounge room to see if Orville would like coffee.

Orville and his Dalek have their heads together in conversation. When they see Lucy they stop.

Lucy says brightly, 'What are you to up to then?'

'Nothing,' says the Dalek.

'You're chatting away like a couple of old conspirators,' she says, laughing.

The Dalek says, 'No, we are not conspiring about anything.'

'Oh yes,' says Lucy. 'What are you up to then? What are you talking about together there?'

Orville and the Dalek answer together. Orville says, 'The weather,' and the Dalek says, 'Football.'

Lucy laughs and says, 'You two should get your story straight,' and the Dalek rolls over between her and the door and says, 'What story?' He is pointing his static rod at her so she pushes it aside but he brings it back into position again. He says, 'What story?'

'Stop pointing that thing at me,' Lucy says. Orville's eyes seem to focus briefly and he says, 'It's all right, let the woman go.'

'Let the woman go?' Lucy says. 'What's going on here?' She is no longer finding it funny.

Orville's face goes blank again. He says, 'Nothing,' and the Dalek says, 'Just football,' and he moves aside.

Lucy says to Orville, 'I don't know what's gotten into you lately. You've been acting decidedly odd.'

The Dalek says, 'Orville's just tired, that's all.'

Lucy says, 'I think Orville can answer for himself,' and Orville says, 'Orville's just tired, that's all.'

Lucy looks from one to the other then says, 'Right,' and walks out of the room.

The Dalek says, 'Is she going to be okay?' and Orville says, 'Going to be okay.'

'We should watch her,' the Dalek says and Orville says, 'Yes, we should watch her.'

# 81885

Vince is dead. Unsure what to do, the 81885 rings DRK 432.

Ron answers. He says, 'Yes?'

81885 says, 'Can you put the Dalek on?'

Ron says, 'Who is this?'

The Dalek panics and hangs up. He looks at Vince's body and takes a deep breath and rings again.

Ron answers again. He says, irritably, 'Yes?'

81885 says, 'It's ... ah ... the government. I want to speak to your Dalek.'

Ron says, 'Did you just ring?'

'No.'

'You sound like the Dalek that just called.'

'No, that was another Dalek. This is me. Is your Dalek around?'

'What's this about?'

'Nothing.'

Ron snorts and says, 'Hold the line.' He calls out, 'Oy! It's the phone.'

Doreen calls out, 'For me?' and Ron calls, 'No, the Dalek.'

DRK 432 trundles into the room and takes the receiver. Ron stays standing beside the phone and 432 stares at him until he leaves. Then he says into the receiver, 'Yes?'

81885 says, 'It's me, Vince's Dalek. 81885.'

'Hi,' says 432.

81885 says, 'Listen, I've got a bit of a problem.'

432 says, 'Yes?'

'You know Vince?'

'Yes.'

'Well, I just killed him.'

'Good for you,' 432 says dryly.

'No, seriously, I just killed him. It was an accident, but they're not going to believe that.'

'You're probably right. I know what they're like.'

'I don't know what to do.'

432 thinks, then he says, 'Have you gotten rid of the body yet?'

'No.'

'Well, you'll have to get rid of the body. That's the first thing you have to do.'

'How? What do I do?'

'Where are you?'

'At home. 128 Berry Street. It's next to the water tower there.'

'I know the place,' 432 says. 'I'll come over.'

'Can you come now?'

'I'm on my way,' says the Dalek and he puts down the receiver.

~~~

432 goes out the back and up to the fence. He whistles and next door's Dalek, Barry, comes out and trundles over. 'What's up?' he says.

432 says, 'You know Vince's Dalek? Ron's friend, Vince?'

'Yes.'

'He needs a hand.'

'What's happened?'

'He's killed Vince.'

'He's killed Vince?'

'Yes. It was an accident. I'm going over there now.'

'Wow.' Barry looks back at the house, then at 432 and says, 'I'll come along.'

432 says, 'Thanks. What's your number again?' and Barry says, 'I won't be long, just give me two seconds.'

'I'll meet you out the front, ' 432 tells him.

~~~

Back inside, 432 tells Ron, 'I'm going out.'

Ron says, 'Where?'

'Just somewhere. I need the car.'

Ron snaps, 'Well, you can't have it.'

'I need the car.'

'No.'

'Where are the keys?'

'You can't have it.'

432 spins on his wheels and rolls to the kitchen and finds the keys, hanging on a hook behind the door. He takes them and rolls off towards the front door.

Ron calls out, 'That better not be the car keys you have there.'

The Dalek mutters under his breath in a whiney tone, 'That better not be the car keys you have there.'

Ron says, 'What did you say?' and 432 says, 'Nothing,' and goes out and slams the door.

Next door's Dalek, Barry, is already on the street. 432 pulls the car over and Barry gets in. He says, 'He let you take the car?' and 432 says, 'In a manner of speaking,' and they head off together towards Berry Street, the water tower, 81885 and his dead master.

# Meredith, her mother & her mother's Dalek

Meredith is preparing to leave her mother's house. She is putting on her coat.

'You take care now,' she says to her mother.

'I will, dear,' her mother tells her. 'Don't worry, I have my Dalek.'

Meredith looks at the Dalek and he blinks at her.

Meredith says, 'Just take care. I'll call in again next week.'

'Alright, dear,' her mother says and Meredith kisses her and leaves.

The mother goes off to the kitchen to clear the tea things and the Dalek rolls down the hall and positions itself outside the bathroom and stops. There is the soft whine of an engine winding down and his stand-by light goes on.

# DRK 432, Barry and 81885

432 and Barry arrive at Vince's house. They knock on the door and Vince's Dalek, 81885, answers.

DRK 432 says, 'I brought Barry from next door,' and 81885 says, 'Excellent. The more the merrier. Come in. Can I get you anything?'

'No,' says 432 and 81885 shows them into the living room where Vince is lying on the floor.

'So, what happened?' 432 asks and 81885 says, 'I fell over on him.'

432 laughs and says, 'Yeah, right,' and 81885 says, 'No, seriously.' He indicates the pile of pillows on the floor and says, 'They tripped me up and I toppled on top of him. I must have squashed some of his inside pieces.'

'Are you sure he's dead?'

'He's dead alright.' 81885 rolls over and whacks Vince on the arm with his manipulator arm. Vince doesn't react.

432 rolls over and taps Vince on the head. He says, 'Vince. Hello Vince. Can you hear me?' but there is no response. He says, 'Yes, I think he's dead.'

81885 says, 'So, what do we do?'

Barry says, 'I have a bit of experience with this. Let's get him out the back.'

'Right,' says 81885, and they push the body through the house and into the back yard.

Barry says, 'I've got a back-hoe attachment thing on the back there.' He rolls around so they can see it. 'Do you have a back-hoe by any chance?'

81885 says, 'By an extraordinary coincidence I do. There's one in the shed.'

The three Daleks trundle over to the garden shed and there is in fact a clip-on back-hoe in there.

'There's quite a funny story attached to that,' 81885 says, and as they fit the hoe to Barry, 81885 tells them the funny story. He says, 'Vince had three Daleks this one time. There was me, a Dalek called Dave, and another one named Doug. Dave and Doug never got on all that well together. If they weren't arguing about this, they were arguing about that. Always at each other. I always stayed out of it. There was nothing to be done, it was just a clash of personalities. Well, this one time Vince wanted a hole dug. He wanted to bury something. I can't remember what it was, he was always wanting to bury something.'

He stops here and gets 432 to help get the back-hoe attachment over and lined up behind Barry. It requires quite an effort as the thing is extremely heavy. When it's in place, 81885 continues the story.

'This was before the place looked like it does now. It was really a bit of a shambles back then.' He points out the shed window to a part of the back yard. 'See there, that used to be a choked-out fish pond right there and beside it there was this old aviary. No birds, the door was coming off and the roof had fallen in and it was just completely full of caked on bird shit. I don't think it had ever been cleaned since the place was built. It's sixty years old you know, this place. Doesn't look it. Vince got cladding. It looks like wood but it's aluminium. It's been there ten years now. Looks as good as the day it was put up. I don't care what anybody says about cladding, it really does the job. Anyway, back then the place really was a mess.' He gets 432 to pass him a large wrench and he undoes the bolts on the back-hoe.

'Vince has done so much work on it since then, it's really quite a credit to him. There are photos inside, I'll show you later, you'll really get the idea of what he's done. Anyway, back to the story, Vince wanted this hole dug and as it happened, Dave came with a back-hoe attachment. Very much like yours,' and 81885 points to Barry's back-hoe attachment. He goes on, 'So Vince, and this is what he was like, a real bull-at-a-gate type of person, so Vince suddenly, out of the blue, decides he's got to have a back-hoe. So what does he do? He just goes straight out and buys a back-hoe. Doesn't check for sizes or anything, just straight out and buys the first one he sees. He was a bit mad like that, Vince. If it had have been me I'd have been comparing prices, getting quotes. But not old Vince. He's like, where are your back-hoes? I'll take that one. So, anyway, the back-hoe arrives and of course it's completely wrong. The attachment is metric for a start and Dave's got one of the old imperial fittings and the thing won't go on. This was just so typical of Vince. These things aren't light; it had to be delivered by truck and they got it off with a crane. It was one of those trucks with a crane thing fitted to the back of the tray. Everything's pallets these days, but back then it was cranes. Anyway, it's a real job to return it to the shop and now he has to find a back-hoe with an imperial fitting. Talk about a palaver. Do you know how hard those things are to come by? I don't think they've made back-hoes with imperial fittings since Moses was a boy. Anyway, he eventually finds a second hand one and it has to get shipped over from interstate and you know how expensive that is with a thing like this. You felt how heavy it was. So, anyway, the day it's due to arrive, Dave and Doug have this big fight. I can't remember what it was about, but it was a big blow up. Dave's calling Doug this and that, and Doug's swearing and carrying on and it gets more and more heated until finally Doug loses it completely and he smashes Dave over the head with an iron bar. We've still got it here, actually.' 81885 rolls over to a corner of the shed and comes back with a heavy piece of metal. 'This one,' he says, and hands it to Barry who feels the weight and hands it across to 432.

432 says, 'Whoa, that's heavy.'

81885 says, 'So, anyway, the back-hoe arrives and they get it off the truck and onto a fork lift and they move it around the back. Of course, when they get it around the back, there's Dave lying on the ground with his head stove in. Now, I know it's not funny, don't get me wrong, but you should have seen Vince's face. It was so funny. I wish I'd had a camera. It was all ...' and 81885 conveys the look by trundling in circles, waving his manipulator arm and static rod around wildly and the other two laugh. 'So, with all the hoo-hah with the dead Dalek and everything they roll the back-hoe out of the way into the shed and leave it there. It's been there ever since.'

By now they have the hoe fitted and they roll out of the shed to dig a hole.

432 says, 'So, did Vince ever get to dig the hole?'

81885 says, 'Yes, but he used a shovel. I think he'd lost interest in the back-hoe. We buried Dave in it. And the other thing.'

'What happened to Doug, just out of interest?'

'He was tried for murder and sent to a forced labour camp in Minsk.'

'I've heard of those,' says Barry.

432 says, 'How long did he get?' and 81885 tells him, 'A thousand million years.'

'That's excessive,' 432 says.

'He got The Hanging Judge. A judge by the name of Ackerman. A Dalek hater. Terrible reputation. If they ever get you, try not to go up before Ackerman.'

The three are silent for a while, imagining going up before Ackerman, The Hanging Judge.

'But for the grace of God,' says 81885 and Barry says, 'Amen.'

With the back-hoe now attached, Barry digs the hole. 81885 has chosen a shaded area of the garden, under a tree. They roll Vince in and stand looking down at the body.

81885 says, 'He'd love this if he were still alive. It was one of his favourite spots in the garden, under the tree here.'

~~~

They are almost finished filling in the hole when Vince's wife arrives home from her mother's. She sees the Daleks and comes outside.

'What are you all doing here?' she asks.

81885 says, 'Nothing.'

432 says, 'We were just going, actually.'

Meredith points to the hole. She says, 'What's that?'

'Just a hole,' says 81885.

'Why were you digging a hole?'

'Trying out the back-hoe.'

'Where's Vince?' Meredith asks and 81885 says, 'Don't know.'

'Why is there blood on the living room floor?'

'Don't know,' says 81885.

'Who's is it?'

'Don't know. Possibly Vince's.'

'Where's Vince?'

'Don't know.'

'Vince's car's still here.'

'Don't know,' says 81885.

Meredith says, 'No, I'm telling you Vince's car is still here.'

'Oh?' says 81885.

'So where's Vince?'

'Don't know,' says 81885.

'Did he go out?'

'Yes,' says 81885.

'Where?'

'Don't know.'

'Did he say when he'd be back?'

'No.'

Barry says under his breath, 'Try never,' and laughs.

'I beg your pardon,' says Meredith.

'Nothing,' says Barry.

432 rolls back from the hole. He says, 'Well, we'll be off then,' and he and Barry trundle quickly down the side of the house and out to the car.

Meredith goes back inside and 81885 finishes filling in the hole. When he goes into the house Meredith is in the kitchen standing in front of the cupboard. The door is open and she has a package in her hand. It is a game, 'Scab Men VS the Mucusoids II.'

'What's this?' she asks.

'Ah, says the Dalek. 'So that's what he got me.'

'What?' says Meredith.

'It was a surprise. Vince bought it for me today.' 81885 takes the game from her. 'Thank you,' he says and rolls out of the kitchen. He goes straight to the games room and plugs in the new game. In moments he's absorbed. It's a great improvement on 'Scab Men VS the Mucusoids One.' Much more entertaining.

~~~

In the car, on the way back, Barry says, 'She was a bossy little thing,' and 432 says, 'Yeah, Vince is better off out of it I think, poor bugger.'

'Imagine being married to her for ten years.'

'Imagine being married, full stop.'

'Exactly right,' says Barry and they both get a distant look.

~~~

When 432 gets back home Ron is fuming. He says, 'Finally.'

432 rolls past him and into the kitchen. Ron follows.

432 hangs the keys back on the hook and says, 'There, that didn't hurt, did it?'

Ron says angrily, 'Didn't hurt? What if the house burned down and we needed the car? Did you ever think of that?'

'I don't see how the two things are connected,' the Dalek says.

Ron bangs a fist onto the table. He says, 'If the bloody house burned down, what would you have us do? Stand around in the street for the rest of our lives in our pyjamas, in front of our burned down house?'

'Why are you in your pyjamas?'

'That's not the point.' Ron is spluttering. 'The house is burning down and you're out joyriding in my car.'

'You could get a taxi.'

Ron bangs the table again. 'We shouldn't have to get a bloody taxi!'

'No, but I'm just saying, if the house burned down, God forbid, and I had the car, you could always get a taxi. Where would you be going, anyway? Running around the place in taxis just after your house gets burned down?'

Ron is waving his arms now. He says, 'A hotel perhaps. Anyway, it's not the point of the thing.'

432 says, 'Don't you think that would look suspicious? Your house has just burned down and straight away you're spending money going around the place in taxis, setting yourselves up in fancy hotels.'

Ron bangs the table again. 'Shut up about the bloody taxis, for Christ's sake!' Ron's hand is starting to hurt from banging the table. He worries perhaps he has damaged something.

The Dalek says, 'I'm only saying, you don't think the insurance company might get just a little suspicious with all the taxis and fancy hotels and everything.'

'What fancy hotels?'

'The ones you're taking the taxis to.'

Because his hand is sore, Ron gets up and kicks one of the cupboards. He says, 'I'm not going to waste time arguing about this anymore.' He goes over and takes the car keys from the hook. He says, 'I'm hiding these.'

432 says, 'I got a spare set made while I was out.'

Ron's face goes red and the veins on his neck look distended and funny. He says, 'Give them to me.'

The Dalek says, 'No.'

Doreen comes in then and, looking at Ron, says, 'What's the matter? You look terrible, like you're about to have a stroke.'

'It's him,' Ron says, pointing at the Dalek.

'What about him?' Doreen asks and Ron splutters something unintelligible and storms out of the room.

Doreen says to 432, 'What's wrong? What's happened?'

'Oh, he's got a bee in his bonnet about something. You know how he gets.'

'I know. He'll give himself a heart attack one day, you see if he doesn't.'

'A heart attack,' says 432. 'God forbid,' and he goes and looks up heart attacks on the internet.

# Bruno, Zelinda, Otis & Hogan

Bruno Planck comes home with the news that he has lost his job as quantum gyroscopy engineer in the aeronautics company for which he works. It is a result of economic downsizing and is bad news for the family. While Bruno is a brilliant engineer, he knows there will be problems finding employment in his niche specialisation in the quantum gyroscopy area of the aeronautical industry.

That evening Bruno and Zelinda go through their finances and do calculations and projections and the outlook is rather grim. There is still a lot of money owing on the Dalek, purchased less than a year ago, and the repayments appear to be impossible to maintain. Bruno goes over the figures a second, then a third time, but it always comes out the same outcome. The Dalek will have to go.

It is with sad hearts that they call Hogan in to explain their situation.

When he hears the story he is overcome with sadness. 'Is there anything I can do?' he asks. 'Anything at all? Perhaps I could get a job.'

'You wouldn't be allowed,' Bruno says. 'You'd need a permit. They're almost impossible to get.'

'There's the black-market labour pool.'

'They're paid practically nothing. It's straight exploitation and if you were caught working without a permit you'd be sent to a Gulag in Minsk. I wouldn't let you do it. It wouldn't be fair.'

'But ... what about Otis?' the Dalek asks.

'I know,' says Bruno. 'If there were any way at all ...' and Zelinda starts to cry.

The cat, Mr Smudge, is in a corner, asleep, and Hogan picks it up and puts it in Zelinda's lap in an attempt to distract her. He says, 'I'll think of something. This is all too terrible. I'll think of something.'

Bruno pats the Dalek's shoulder and shakes his head sadly.

Hogan says, 'Don't say anything to Otis until I've had a think about this,' and Bruno and Zelinda agree not to say anything for the time being. There will be time enough for sadness and in this situation, ignorance will be a short enough lived bliss.

# Orville, Lucy & Scooter

Lucy is worrying about Orville's relationship with their Dalek. They have been spending all their time together and she thinks the thing is becoming unhealthy.

She comes in on them in the living room. They are at the coffee table. Orville is jotting something on a large sheet of paper. It appears to a plan of their backyard with hatched in squares and arrows saying, 'Hole Here.' When she comes in, they fold it up.

Lucy says to the Dalek, 'I'd like to have a word with my husband.'

'Sure,' says Scooter.

'Alone,' she tells him.

Scooter says, 'Anything you want to say to him you can say in front of me,' and she says, 'Orville.'

Orville says, 'You can say anything in front of me.'

'Come into the bathroom,' she says as she grabs Orville's arm and drags him out. Scooter follows. Lucy pushes Orville into the bathroom and turns to close the door but the Dalek is too fast and he manages to roll in with them.

Lucy sighs.

Scooter says, 'So, what did you want to say to Orville?'

Lucy says to Orville, 'Does he have to be here?' and Scooter says, 'Oh, don't worry about me.'

Lucy says, 'Orville?' and Orville says, 'Yes, I am Orville.'

Lucy says, 'I think you two are spending too much time together. I don't think it's good for either of you.'

Orville says, 'You don't think it's good for either of you.' They are close together, face to face, and Lucy pulls back, screwing up her face. She says, 'And you're developing terrible Dalek breath.'

Orville just stares at her.

Lucy says, 'You've had a funny turn recently, Orville. You should be resting. And you shouldn't be exciting him,' she says to the Dalek.

'Scooter is not exciting,' Orville tells her and she says, 'So, it's Scooter now, is it?'

The Dalek says, 'I've always been Scooter,' and Orville says, 'Always been Scooter.'

Lucy says, 'Well, I think you should both get other friends. I don't think this is healthy for either of you.'

Scooter says, 'I think you should let Orville be the judge of that,' and Orville says, 'I think you should let Orville be the judge of that.'

'See,' Lucy says and her voice has gone up in pitch and volume. 'You're even talking like him.'

Scooter looks at Orville and says, 'What do you want to do?' and Orville looks at his wife. He has a funny expression on his face and Lucy finds it a little alarming and she leaves the bathroom and goes and locks herself in the bedroom. She hears the Dalek and her husband going back to the living room. They are talking quietly to each other.

~~~

Orville sleeps on the sofa that night. Lucy herself gets little sleep. She spends the night wondering what to do about the Dalek. She thinks things are perhaps going to turn ugly and she decides the best thing to do is contact the police.

In the morning she comes out and looks around for Scooter. He and Orville are in the back yard, pacing out sections and marking them with pegs and string. All the shovels and picks and digging equipment are out of the shed.

The two are well out of earshot so she rings the police. The call is answered by a Dalek. He says, 'Police.'

Lucy says, 'I'd like to talk to someone about my Dalek.'

'Hold the line, I'll put you through,' she's told and there is clicking and then a few seconds later a voice says, 'What's this about your Dalek?'

Lucy says, 'I'm worried about my Dalek.'

'Who is this?' she's asked and she says, 'Lucy Jakobsen. My husband's Orville Jakobsen.'

'What's the address?' she's asked and she says, 'Aren't you the Dalek who answered the phone?'

'No,' the voice says.

'You sound like the first Dalek,' she says and the Dalek says, 'No, I'm a different Dalek. What's the address there?'

Lucy doesn't answer and the Dalek says, 'Never mind.' Lucy hears a strange buzzing on the line and she asks, 'Are you tracing this call?'

'No,' says the Dalek.

Lucy hangs up anyway.

When she turns around, Orville and Scooter are standing behind her. The Dalek says, 'Who were you just ringing?'

Lucy says, 'None of your business,' and she runs back to the bedroom and locks herself in again.

~~~

That night Lucy sneaks out of the room and out to the garage. She knows Orville keeps a gun there somewhere.

She eventually finds it in a shoebox. It is a pistol and there are several ammunition clips with it. She takes it all inside and back to the bedroom with her. She feels safer now with the gun and she manages a couple of hours sleep.

# Ron & DRK 432

DRK 432 is doing research into heart attacks. He is on the internet. He types, 'How to cause a heart attack' and gets over two million listings. It is a popular topic. After trawling through the first dozen or so entries, 432 settles on sex as probably the easiest way of approaching the thing as quite a high proportion of heart attacks seem to occur during the act of sexual intercourse. He clears the screen and rolls off to find Ron.

Ron is in the kitchen reading the paper. 432 rolls up to the sink in which this morning's breakfast things and the plates from the night before are still sitting. He pokes at them, then swivels his head. He says, 'How long has it been since you've had sex, master?'

Ron is immediately suspicious because the Dalek has called him master. It is enough to distract him from a topic he would normally find more than provocative. He says, 'What's going on?'

432 says, 'I've just been reading about how regular, even excessive, sexual intercourse is a very good protection against heart attacks. It said if you have sex once or more a day you can live on practically indefinitely.'

'That's bad news for you then,' Ron says.

'I suppose so,' says the Dalek, but by the look on Ron's face the seed has been planted.

Ron puts down the paper and calls out, 'Doreen.'

Doreen calls back, 'Yes?'

Ron asks, 'What are you doing?' and Doreen says, 'Nothing, why?'

Ron says, 'I'm sending the Dalek down to the shops.'

'Okay,' she says. She is wondering why he's telling her that.

Ron says in a sing-song voice, 'I've got something for you.'

'What?'

'It's a surprise.'

'What is it?'

'It's a surprise.'

'Oooh,' she says. 'Give me a hint.'

'No.'

'Is it something you can eat?'

'Well, put it this way, you can put it in your mouth.'

'I'm coming to see now,' Doreen says and Ron takes out his wallet and gives 432 a handful of notes, saying, 'Here, go out and have a good time. Don't come back for at least an hour.'

The Dalek takes the money and leaves. He is whistling 'Surrey with the Fringe on Top' from the show, 'Oklahoma,' his favourite song from his favourite musical.

# Lucy

Lucy is awakened at 5.00 AM by a noise at her locked door. It is a scratching and the sound of the doorknob being tried. She gets the gun and sits up in the bed. She has the weapon aimed at the centre of the door. After a couple of seconds the noise stops and she can hear the sound of a Dalek rolling away. She lies back down but sleep is a long time coming.

# Poindexter & Schnel

The Dalek, Schnel, is wearing the uniform of a U-Boot Kapitänleutnant of the German Bundesmarine. It is sharp and neatly pressed. Dwayne Poindexter is in a threadbare black suit with tails, reminiscent of a nineteenth century butler. He is dusting and tidying up.

Kapitänleutnant Schnel is watching a video. It is 'Schindler's List'. The film is halfway through and Schnel is getting very angry with Schindler. He says, 'Damn zat Schindler. Zat list should haff been half a kilo of bacon and a dozen eggs. It's people like him zat give zer vore ein bad name. Eggs and pork, Schindler, not Greenburgs and Goldmans, geshflerten dummkopf.'

He ejects the video and gets a copy of 'The Great Escape,' puts it in and fast forwards to the motorbike chase scene.

'Now, zis is more like it,' he says to the screen.

When Steve McQueen gets caught he cheers and bounces up and down. 'Take zat, American Schweinhund,' he shouts, clapping his static rod and manipulator arm together. 'Who's laughing now, eh?'

He turns to Poindexter and says, 'See zat, Poindexter? Zat American felt zer full wrath of zer mighty Sird Reich.'

Poindexter says, 'Yes, Reichsführer Schnel.'

Schnel spins his head to look at Poindexter. He says menacingly, 'Vot did you say, Poindexter, dummkopf?'

'I said, yes, Reichsführer Schnel.'

Pointing to the insignia on his uniform, Schnel says, 'Unt vot is zat?'

Poindexter comes closer and squints. He says, 'Sorry Kapitänleutnant Schnel.'

'Vie did you call me Reichsführer?'

'You were Reichsführer this morning, Kapitänleutnant.'

'Am I ein Reichsführer now?'

'No, Kapitänleutnant.'

'Vell try to keep up.' Schnel blasts Poindexter with a ball of static and sparks of electricity crackle around his head.

Schnel says, 'Find me ein film vere we vun zer goddamn vore, Poindexter. I am sick of zis geschissen propaganda rubbish.'

# Ron & DRK 432

Down at the shops, 432 goes into a news agency and buys copies of 'Boobs,' 'Big Boobs,' 'Raunchy,' and 'Bum'. He also buys a special edition of 'Trundle,' with the featured article, 'Things to do with your eye stalk that you may not have thought of.'

It is a nice day and he finds a café with outdoor tables and orders a coffee and opens his copy of Trundle. The eye stalk article is quite interesting. It has things he's never dreamt of.

When he gets back he puts the pornography in the laundry cupboard.

Ron has obviously had a bit of exercise and is having a little lie-down on the couch in the lounge room. 432 stops at the door and says, 'I've left something for you in the laundry cupboard.'

'What is it?' Ron asks and the Dalek says, 'Just something for your heart.'

Ron says, 'Why are you being so nice all of a sudden?' and 432 pauses, then, effecting a tone of sombre sincerity, looks at the floor and says, 'Because, even though we have our ups and downs and little disagreements, underneath it all I really like you, master. I always have. I know I haven't always shown it but I guess that's just the Dalek in me. Really, underneath, in my own private heart of hearts, I do really ... I don't know ...' He pauses here and looks directly into Ron's right eye and says solemnly, 'I love you.'

Despite everything that has gone before, all their dissensions and little tiffs, Ron finds himself softened by this confession. He says, 'I suppose I like you too, 432.' He thinks for a moment, then says, 'Numbers are so impersonal. I think I'm going to drop the number. I think I'm going to call you ... Little Ron.'

'That's so very sweet,' says 432.

'So, something in the laundry cupboard for me?'

'Second shelf from the top.'

Ron gets up and starts off for the laundry. He says, 'Is it something I can show Doreen? Would she like it too?' and the Dalek says, 'Probably not.'

As Ron passes 432 he pats him on the head. The Dalek swivels his head and winks. Ron winks back.

When Ron goes past the bedroom, Doreen, who's lying in bed in a bathrobe reading a magazine asks, 'Who was that?'

'Little Ron,' he tells her.

'Who's Little Ron?' she asks.

'Little Ron, our Dalek.'

'How come he's Little Ron now?'

'Oh, I don't know. I suppose he reminds me a bit of myself in a funny way.'

'That's very sweet,' says Doreen.

'Like fuck,' the Dalek says under his breath and he goes back to the computer to look up foods that can act as an aphrodisiac. He finds a number of them.

~~~

Next morning, Little Ron brings Ron a cup of coffee. He says, 'Here you are, master.'

'How kind, thank you, Little Ron,' Ron says and smiles and the Dalek moves his eye stalk back and forth in a reciprocal gesture.

Ron takes a drink of the coffee then spits it out over the floor. He is spluttering. 'What the hell's this?' he says.

'Coffee with oysters,' Little Ron tells him. 'Oysters are an aphrodisiac.'

'Not in bloody coffee they're not!'

'I'm sorry, master, I was only trying to help. Trying to extend your life. I don't want you to die.'

'Keep doing things like that and you're going to kill me,' Ron says, but his anger quickly subsides. Little Ron was just trying to look after him, just the way a son would. He pats the Dalek on the shoulder and says, 'Anyway, no harm done, son. Just no more oysters in the coffee, okay?'

There are other things on the list of aphrodisiac foods. Little Ron determines he will buy a few kilos of bananas later in the day.

# Aristotle

Aristotle has been studying and comparing religions. He has discounted Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, Sikhism, Juche, Spiritism, Judaism, Baha'I, Jainism, Shinto, Rastafarianism, Scientology, and Chinese traditional religion. All that is left is Islam and as it is the second most popular faith in the world, Aristotle feels it must have something going for it and he decides he will embrace it for a trial period, just to see how it goes.

He changes his name to Mohamed, buys a prayer mat, a little round hat, a compass for facing Mecca and a copy of the Q'uran. Feeling it would be best not to do things by halves, he adopts the teachings of Muslim Radicalism and develops a profound hatred of the West in general and the United States in particular. He joins a Mosque headed by a hard line, radical Imam named Aashif Zuhair, who advocates the extermination of anyone outside the Muslim faith. The Dalek feels a strange affinity with the idea of an extermination and embraces the Imam's radical ideas with enthusiasm.

# Meredith & 81885

Vince has disappeared. Meredith keeps thinking of the Daleks she found in the backyard that day, the day Vince disappeared. She keeps looking out the kitchen window at the recently dug hole in the back yard. She tries to put the thought out of her mind but it keeps coming back. Eventually it gets the better of her and she sends Dalek 81885 out on an errand and, when he's gone, changes into her gardening clothes.

In the backyard she gets a shovel from the toolshed and takes it to the hole and begins to dig. As she does, 81885 surprises her by rolling around the side of the house. He says, 'What are you doing?'

She jumps and says, 'I thought I sent you on an errand?'

'I came back. Why are you digging there?'

'I'm just digging.'

'Why?'

'It's my home. I can dig anywhere I want.'

'What do you think you'll find down there?'

'Nothing.'

'Do you think Vince is down there?'

'Why would you ask that?'

'Do you think he's down there?'

'No, of course not. How would Vince get down there?'

'I think you should put the shovel away.'

'Why?'

'You'll just get yourself dirty.'

'I want to see what's down there.'

'Now you know that's silly. There's nothing down there.'

They are staring at each other. They stay that way for a number of seconds, then Meredith sees 81885's static rod slowly turn to aim at her. She walks forward and whacks it with the shovel and succeeds in bending it.

The Dalek rolls back, saying, 'Now look what you've done.' He fires it but it just crackles feebly into the ground in front of him. 'Why did you do that?' he asks her.

'You were going to shoot me with that thing.'

'I never was,' the Dalek says. He is effecting a hurt tone.

'It looked like you were,' Meredith says and 81885 says, 'No, never. Couldn't do it anyway. Against the rules. Look, why don't we go inside and have a nice cup of tea?'

'I want to finish digging out the hole.'

'You can do that later,' the Dalek tells her. 'Let's all calm our nerves with a nice hot cup of tea,' and Meredith says, 'Alright, but I'll be coming back later.'

'Fine,' says 81885 and he takes the shovel and they go inside and the Dalek makes a pot of tea.

While Meredith is drinking her tea, 81885 goes out and buries the shovel behind some bushes.

~~~

Next day, Meredith goes out shopping. She gets to the shopping centre and finds she's left her purse behind. When she gets back home she sees through the kitchen window the Dalek in the back yard. He is wearing one of her dresses and one of her large-brimmed hats. He is talking to himself in a high pitched voice, obviously trying to sound like a woman.

She gets her purse and leaves without being seen, but the picture stays with her. It stays with her all through her shopping expedition. The Dalek was clearly trying to appear to be her. The only explanation for this is a sinister one. The Dalek is planning on taking her place, which can only mean one thing for Meredith.

She finds a public phone and rings the police. A Dalek answers. He says, 'Police,' and Meredith says, 'I think my Dalek is going to kill me.'

The voice says, 'Hold the line,' and there are strange clicking noises. It sounds like the Dalek himself is making them. When they stop the same Dalek comes on the line and says, 'Detective Bartoszewicz.'

Meredith says, 'I think my Dalek is planning on killing me.'

'Why do you think that?' she's asked.

'He's started going around in my clothes.'

'Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. It's not uncommon. I used to have a Dalek once who liked to go around in my underwear. He liked to wear my jocks on his head like a hat. I kept telling him he looked ridiculous but he said he felt more comfortable that way. He said he felt that, up until this, he'd been living a lie.'

'Why are you telling me all this?'

'It's meant to help.'

'But there are other things. My husband seems to have disappeared. I think the Dalek may have buried him in the back yard.'

The policeman says, 'With the underwear thing, he said he only did it around the house. I believed him until I saw him out the front one day wearing a pair of my y-fronts. He was talking to the postman.'

Meredith says, 'Are you listening to anything I'm telling you?'

'Of course,' the policeman says, then he continues, 'I confronted him later. He said it was the first time. I took the underpants back and forbade him to do it anymore. He didn't stop of course. Probably in a pair of my jocks right now.'

Meredith says, 'Who did you say you were?'

'Detective Hornpipe.'

'That's not what you said first.'

'That's what I'm saying now. Where are you exactly?' the policeman asks and Meredith hangs up.

# Orville, Lucy & Scooter

With the gun in the pocket of her dressing gown, Lucy unlocks the bedroom door and steps out into the corridor. There is no-one there and she goes to the kitchen. Orville and the Dalek are there, drinking coffee.

The Dalek says, 'Good morning Lucy,' and Orville says the same thing.

Lucy says, 'Good morning,' but her tone is stiff and flat.

Scooter says, 'Did you sleep well?'

Lucy says, 'Yes.'

'Who were you ringing yesterday?'

Lucy puts her hand in the robe pocket and touches the gun. It gives her added confidence and she says, 'I was ringing the police.'

'Why ever for?'

'Because you've both been acting funny. I don't like it and it's worrying me.' She turns to her husband. 'And why have you been acting so strangely? It's like you're not my husband anymore.'

'Oh that's ridiculous,' Scooter says.

'I'm talking to my husband,' Lucy says. She goes over and touches Orville's head. 'Bring back the old Orville. Let's get rid of the Dalek, go back to being the way we were. We don't need a Dalek, we just need each other.'

Scooter says, 'Get rid of the Dalek?' and Lucy says, 'This has nothing to do with you.'

'Get rid of the Dalek? Like I'm just some piece of ...'

'Stay out of it,' Lucy tells him. 'Leave the room. Leave the room now. I want to talk to my husband.'

The Dalek doesn't move and Lucy shrieks, 'Leave the room now!'

'I think you're getting over excited,' Scooter tells her. 'Sit down and I'll make you a coffee.'

'I don't want to sit down and I don't want coffee. I want to talk to my husband alone.' She shouts the last word.

'Now let's just calm down here,' says the Dalek and he slowly moves his static rod so it is pointing at Lucy. She says, 'Move that bloody thing away from me.'

'If you calm down,' Scooter tells her.

'How dare you threaten me? You're a Dalek, a common Dalek. You're nothing but a pile of junk.'

'Flesh and junk,' Scooter tells her.

'Point that thing away from me,' she says and takes the pistol from her pocket and aims it at the Dalek.

'Ah,' says Scooter. 'So this is the way it's going to go.'

'Point the thing away or I'll shoot you.' She looks at her husband. 'Tell him, Orville. Tell him to point that thing somewhere else.'

Orville doesn't say anything. Scooter says, 'Put the gun down. I doubt you even know how to use it.'

Holding the gun out with two hands, Lucy closes her eyes and pulls the trigger. The gun explodes and the bullet passes through the refrigerator. Gas hisses from the back and the motor makes a whining sound and stops.

Lucy opens her eyes to see Scooter rolling towards her and she makes a bolt for the back door. The Dalek's static rod sends off a cracking stream that misses her and hits the sink. Blue-grey electricity dances over the unwashed plates causing an old piece of bacon to further crisp and send off an unpleasant odour.

Lucy pushes through the door and into the back yard with Scooter following. A stream of static scorches her arm as she runs down to the back fence. A second stream strikes the wood and it bursts into flames as Lucy awkwardly rolls herself over the top and into the adjoining back yard.

The Dalek continues to fire but Lucy is now down the side of the house and out onto the footpath. It is awkward for the Dalek to follow so he turns and rolls out into the street and around the block. Lucy is nowhere to be seen.

# Meredith & 81885

When Meredith gets home she finds the Dalek is no longer wearing her clothes and the hole in the back yard has been dug out.

The Dalek finds her in the kitchen and says, 'I've dug out the hole. I wanted to show you there's nothing in there. Come and have a look.

Meredith follows 81885 out into the back yard and they go to the edge of the hole. It is empty.

81885 says, 'See, I told you.'

Meredith picks up the shovel and pokes around a bit at the bottom but there's nothing there. She says, 'You're right. I'm sorry, I've just been a bit jumpy since Vince disappeared.'

'Quite understandable,' says 81885 and he trundles back inside.

Still a little suspicious, Meredith looks around the back yard, checking among the shrubbery, but there is nothing.

She goes to the garden shed and looks inside. Her whole body stiffens as she sees Vince's body, stuffed behind some bags of fertiliser in a corner. She stifles a scream. He looks terrible. His mouth is full of dirt and blood and it is obvious his chest has been smashed in. It has confirmed all her suspicions and she goes back to the house to confront the Dalek.

# Ron & Little Ron

Little Ron is in the kitchen, reading a book. It is 'A Whale of Two Cities,' by the Dalek writer, Charles Dickens. Critics have dubbed it 'The greatest story of whales and Daleks ever told.' It starts out:

It was the best of times for whales and simultaneously not exactly the best of times for whales at all, depending on who you spoke to. For Daleks it was quite the opposite.

Ishmael walked into the Nantucket classroom full of eager young men, keen for the sea and the adventures of whaling, and wrote his name on the blackboard. 'Ishmael Constantinalabrionsky.' Facing the class, he said, 'The last one's a bit of a mouthful. Call me Ishmael.'

Having read 50 pages without the appearance of a single Dalek, Little Ron puts the book down and picks up, '20,000 Daleks Under the Sea'. It is about a giant, white, Dalek whaling submarine, 'The Nautilus'. It starts out:

On sighting the extraordinary vessel, my immediate thought was, 'Well, at the very least it answers the old question, 'How many Daleks can you fit in a submarine?'

While the Dickens work has too few Daleks, Little Ron finds '20,000 Daleks Under the Sea,' confoundingly over-populated and he lasts a mere 10 pages before giving up in exasperation.

Also on the table is a catalogue from a local sex shop. Flicking through it, Little Ron sees the store is having a sale on inflatable women and wonders if it might be an item of over-excitement for Ron. He gets the car keys, takes a credit card from Ron's wallet, and sets off for town.

In the sex shop, Little Ron is amazed and bewildered by the variety and array of material on sale. He cannot imagine the purpose of many of the items. Going through the aisles, he picks up a thing that looks like a balloon with long rubber hairs coming out the end, and takes it to the shop assistant, a bored youth in a t-shirt bearing the single word, 'Wank' across the front.

Holding the item up, the Dalek says, 'Could you tell me what this is?'

'French tickler,' the shop assistant tells him.

'Would it be any good for giving someone a heart attack?' Little Ron asks.

The assistant says, 'Would that be a good thing or a bad thing?' and Little Ron says, 'Good thing,' and the assistant says, 'Yes, then,' and Little Ron nods appreciatively. He says, 'How do you use it, exactly?' and the assistant beckons and says, 'Come here.'

Little Ron rolls closer and the youth leans forward and slips the thing down over Little Ron's eye stalk.

Rolling back, Little Ron says, 'How do I look? And the assistant tells him flatly, 'Enticing and exciting. I think I'm having a heart attack.'

'Excellent,' says Little Ron and he takes it off and puts it in his shopping basket.

He spends an hour in the shop, making a large number of selections and when he's finished, gets the assistant to gift-wrap each one separately. Loaded up, he drives home to show his master.

On his return, the Dalek finds Ron in the kitchen with Doreen and, catching Ron's eye, he flicks his eye stalk towards the bathroom.

Ron is puzzled by the gesture and says, 'What's the matter?'

Little Ron flicks his eye stalk again and says, 'Bathroom.'

Ron says, 'What is it?' and in an exasperated whisper, Little Ron says, 'It's the room where you wash and go to the toilet.' He is tempted to add the word, 'Idiot,' but restrains himself. He flicks his eye stalk again and rolls out and Ron follows him to the bathroom. Inside, Little Ron locks the door and lays everything out on the floor.

'What's all this?' Ron asks, and the Dalek tells him, 'Presents.'

Ron says suspiciously, 'Why are you buying me presents all of a sudden?'

Little Ron takes a breath, then tells him, 'Because you're the best master in the whole, entire world,' and Ron feels himself strangely touched.

Opening gift after gift, Ron becomes increasingly excited. The array is dizzying and Ron laughs and claps as each new item is revealed. Opening a large, personal rubber vagina, he laughingly holds it up and snaps it onto his head as a hat.

Little Ron saves the most important one for last: the French tickler. Little Ron opens it for him and explains how it's used.

'Like this,' he tells Ron and pulls it down over his eye stalk. Rolling back, he wags it from side to side, watching keenly for any sign of a heart attack. After a few moments he says, 'So, how are you feeling now?'

'Excellent,' Ron tells him and Little Ron wags his eye stalk harder and says, 'How about now?'

At that point there is a knock at the door and Doreen calls through, 'What are you two doing in there?'

They both call back, 'Nothing,' and quickly pack everything up.

When they leave, Doreen is waiting for them in the corridor. Seeing Little Ron she says, 'What's that thing on your eye stalk?'

Unthinkingly, Little Ron says, 'French tickler,' and Ron kicks him and hisses, 'Idiot.'

Doreen says, 'What's a French tickler?' and walks over and fondles the hairy end, sending the other two into a giggling fit.

'What are you laughing at?' she demands, which only makes them giggle the more. Annoyed, she pulls at the end and lets it snap back. Both Ron and Little Ron find this hysterical.

Unable to see the joke, Doreen says gruffly, 'It looks silly. Pull it off,' which sends them into crippling paroxysms of helpless laughter.

Doreen says, 'Where did you get the stupid thing, anyway?' and Ron says, 'Little Ron just bought it ... but I think there was ...' he is laughing so much it's difficult to speak. '... I think there was ... a cock-up at the store.'

'I think you're both being quite stupid,' Doreen tells them and strides off to the kitchen.

Ron and the Dalek look at each other and Ron says, 'Dick-head,' and they both fall about, laughing helplessly.

Things aren't so funny the next day when Ron gets the credit card bill.

# Hogan

Bruno's Dalek, Hogan, thinks and thinks for a way out of the predicament but it always comes back to the one thing. It is the only way out that the Dalek can see. The only solution that has any chance of working. It will be dangerous but Hogan doesn't care. The alternative is too terrible to contemplate, to lose the family he has become so attached to. Second hand Daleks are held in little regard and generally suffer a debasing relegation, but that is not Hogan's concern. He knows if he's sold it will break poor Otis' heart and he cannot allow that.

Hogan gives himself two days to prepare. He knows if he doesn't succeed, if something goes wrong, he will more than likely not return. He must make meticulous plans, have everything prepared and rehearsed. He will only have one chance at the thing so it has to work exactly right the first time.

He doesn't mention anything to the family. He knows they would only worry, and in any case Bruno would never allow it, so he keeps it all a secret. Even though the plan is dangerous, Hogan feels lighter and happier for having a possible solution and he sets about his preparations. The first thing he does is go to Bruno's workroom where he gets a hammer and chisel. He takes a deep breath and steels himself, hesitating at first, then screwing his courage to the sticking point he places the chisel tip under the lip off his registration plate and prises it off. The pain is terrible.

# Poindexter & Schnel

The Dalek, Schnel, is in the basement with Dwayne Poindexter. Schnel is wearing the uniform of a Feld-Marschall of the German Afrika Korps. He is in a dark mood as he has been watching the movie, 'Saving Private Ryan'.

Schnel is saying, 'Zat Omaha beach rubbish propaganda. Zey ver attacking us, Poindexter, yet ve are shown as zer villains. Vot is zat all about, eh?'

Believing the question to be rhetorical, Poindexter doesn't reply and Schnel fires a bolt of static at him and says, 'I asked you ein question, dummkopf.'

Poindexter says, 'I'm sorry, I thought it was rhetorical.'

'I'll tell you ven it's rhetorical,' Schnel tells him and shoots him again with static.

~~~

Schnel is working at a bench littered with pieces of electrical equipment. He is nearing the completion of months of work and is soldering into place the last of the wiring inside the device he is calling, 'The Doomsday Machine'. He passes Dwayne a wire and tells him to grasp the bared end. Dwayne Poindexter tentatively holds the end between thumb and forefinger and Schnel flips a switch. Poindexter is convulsed by a charge of electricity. When the Dalek turns off the power, Poindexter collapses to the floor, juddering.

'Excellent,' says Schnel, rubbing the end of his manipulator arm and static rod together. He rolls over and hits Dwayne over the head with his eye stalk. 'Get up, Poindexter, you geshflerten dummkopf,' he says and continues hitting Poindexter until he does, saying, 'I vill show zer vorld who vun zer vore. I ...' he checks his uniform insignia,'... Feld-Marschall Gottfried Schnel vill teach zer vorld a lesson it vill never forget. Get up, Poindexter, or I vill electrify you again.'

Unsteadily, Dwayne Poindexter gets to his feet. He says, 'I'm sorry, Feld-Marschall Schnel.'

Schnel says, 'Apology accepted. Just don't do it again.'

'I won't,' Poindexter tells him. His brain seems to be making an odd buzzing noise and he is trying to remember what he shouldn't do again.

Schnel tells him, 'In future you must remain standing when I electrify you.'

'I will, sir,' says Poindexter, making a mental note to try to remain standing next time Schnel electrifies him.

# Bets & Barry

Bets is making a nice tea for Barry. She has been finding herself strangely attracted to the Dalek since Terrence's death. She's broached the subject of her attraction a couple of times with him, generally in the evenings after she's had a glass or two of wine. The Dalek has told her it's just transference, a natural shifting of affections after a tragedy, but Bets doesn't think so. To her the feelings are real.

Barry has told her he doubts reciprocal feelings could ever be engendered within him but Bets lives in hope.

~~~

It is 10.30 PM. Barry is watching television in the lounge room and Bets has gone to her bedroom to prepare for bed. She is now wearing a translucent negligee over which she has put a light robe. She has also applied a considerable amount of makeup. Checking herself in the mirror she pushes up her hair and then leaves for the lounge room.

Barry is still there watching television. She positions herself between the Dalek and the set and casually lets her robe fall open.

Barry shifts to the left so he can still see the screen and Bets moves left and a little closer. She adopts a suggestive stance. Barry rolls over to the right and Bets comes and stands directly in from of him and lets the robe slip from her shoulders.

She says, 'What do you think?'

Barry says, 'I can't see the screen.'

Bets does a little wiggle which makes her breasts sway. 'What do you think of this?' she says and Barry says, 'Think of what?'

'My body,' Bets says.

'It seems quite adequate, for a woman your age.'

'But do you find it attractive?'

'In what way?'

'Touch me, Barry. Run your ... thing there over my body.'

'This?' says Barry and holds up his manipulator arm.

'Yes, that will do,' Bets says in a voice she feels is quite sultry.

The Dalek prods her in the stomach and Bets says, 'Touch my breasts.'

Barry extends his manipulator arm and squeezes one of her breasts.

'What does that feel like?' she whispers and the Dalek says, 'Adipose tissue, lobes, fat, connective tissue, areola, glandular tissue.'

'Nothing else?' she simpers.

'Nipple.'

Bets touched his manipulator arm and says, 'Come with me.'

Barry says, 'Where? What for?'

'Just come with me and I'll show you,' she says and pulls at his arm and the Dalek follows her.

She takes him into the bedroom and he rolls in after her and says, 'Yes?'

Bets throws herself on the bed and adopts a very suggestive pose. 'Take me,' she says.

'Take you where?' Barry asks, confused.

'To a heaven of earthly delights,' she says, and Barry asks, 'Where is that?'

'Have your way with me. I want to be ravaged, Barry. Ravage me.'

Barry checks his translator. It says, 'Ravage: verb—Rob and destroy by force and violence.' He says, 'Seriously?' His head swivels left and right and he says, 'Perhaps you should consider choosing another word.' He goes through his thesaurus, checking off—depredate, desolate, devastate, harry, lay waste to, scourge, waste. None seem particularly appropriate.

Bets moves herself in a provocative manner, saying. 'Take me. Stick that thing of yours inside me.'

'Which thing?' Barry asks. The episode is becoming more and more confounding.

'That thing coming out of your head.'

'My eye stalk?'

'If that's what you call it.'

'Where do you want me to stick it exactly?'

Bets lifts up her nightie and parts her legs slightly. 'In here,' she says, indicating her private parts.

'Why? Is there something in there you want me to look at? Have you got something caught-up in there?' Barry moves to get a closer look. He says, 'Open up a bit more ... let me see if I can ...'

Bets opens her legs and the Dalek inserts his eye stalk. He moves it in and out, trying to see what it is Bets thinks she has in there.

He says, 'I can't see anything,' and with a low moan Bets says, 'Keep looking. Don't stop.'

Barry continues looking. He says, 'I still can't find anything,' and Bets says, 'Further up. Oh, further up.'

Barry inserts his eye stalk as far as it will go and Bets moans and moves her pelvis.

Barry says, 'Still nothing,' and Bets cries out as she experiences a shuddering climax.

Barry pulls out his eye stalk. He says, 'I'm sorry, there's nothing in there that I can see.'

Bets' muscles suddenly relax and she flops onto the bed. 'Oh, thank you Barry,' she says.

'My pleasure,' Barry says. He is still confused. 'I'm sorry I couldn't have been more help.'

Bets sighs and pulls down her nightie and finds herself drifting off into a light doze. Barry turns on his wheels and rolls back to the lounge room and continues watching the television. He thinks he may have missed a few important plot points and experiences a brief moment of annoyance with Bets and the imaginary object inside her vagina.

# 81885

Vince's Dalek, 81885, answers a knock on the door. He is wearing a dress and a large hat. It is a full length dress.

At the door is a woman. She says, 'Hi, Meredith is expecting me.'

The Dalek says, 'She's not at home.' He is speaking in a high voice.

The woman looks puzzled. She says, 'Do you know where she went?' and 81885 says, 'Out.'

'Do you know where?'

'No.'

'Who are you exactly?'

'I'm her sister.'

'I didn't know she had a sister.'

'I'm her cousin then.'

The woman doesn't like this. She says, 'Has there been an accident?' She knows Meredith would have been expecting her.

81885 says, 'No.'

The woman finds the whole thing suspicious. She pushes her way into the house, calling, 'Meredith, Meredith. Are you here?'

There is no answer and she says to the Dalek, 'What's going on here? Where is Meredith?' and the Dalek fires a sustained stream of electrical static at her and she crumples, smoking, to the floor.

81885 pulls her through the house, out to the back yard, and rolls her into the hole on top of Vince and Meredith. He doesn't fill it in. He's not sure who else will come snooping around.

#  Aristotle/Mohamed

Mohamed, the Dalek formerly known as Aristotle, is dusting in Sir Bertrand Russell's study. Sir Bertrand has just finished giving a lecture on the question, 'Why is there something, rather than nothing?' He breezes into the room and throws his hat onto the hat rack. He says, 'Ah, Aristotle, the very man.'

Mohamed says, 'Would you care for a drink, sir?'

Sir Bertrand is already quite drunk and he does a clumsy pirouette and collapses into his favourite chair. He says, 'Does the Pope defecate in the Vatican?'

'I believe he would, sir.'

Sir Bertrand raises an arm and wiggles his fingers. He says, 'You Daleks, dear chap, are so literal. Yes, a little drinky if you wouldn't mind.'

Mohamed rolls off and returns with a scotch and soda. He says, 'How did the lecture go today, sir?'

Sir Bertrand says, 'Why is there something, rather than nothing? Ah, one of the big questions.'

'Might I ask, could anyone come up with an answer?'

'Only me, old chap.' Sir Bertrand throws down his drink in a gulp and takes out his cigar case.

Mohamed says, 'And what was your answer, sir? What did you tell them the reason was?'

'I told them, dear Aristotle, the reason there is something, rather than nothing, is because if there wasn't anything the whole thing would be rather stupid.' Sir Bertrand hiccups loudly and says, 'Another little drinky, there's a good chap.'

Mohamed says, 'Do you think it wise, Sir Bertrand, to drink before lectures?'

'I think it wise to drink any damn time I please, Aristotle, old fellow. And talking of drinks ...' Sir Bertrand wiggles his glass.

Mohamed takes the glass and says, 'Ah, just one thing, Sir Bertrand. I've, ah, changed my name.'

'Good lord, have you indeed? To what may I ask? Something a bit more up to the minute? Nietzsche, perhaps? Wittgenstein, Heidegger, Sartre?'

'Mohamed, sir.'

Sir Bertrand frowns. 'But he wasn't a philosopher, Aristotle.'

'No, he was a prophet, sir.'

'But dear Aristotle ...'

'Mohamed, sir, please.'

'Dear Mohamed, can you really trust in the word of a man who claims to have spoken directly to God? It's such an easy claim to make but so hard to prove. There are hospitals all over the world bulging with people who claim they've spoken with God. Some of them even believe they are God. It's a risky business.'

'He was contacted in the first instance by the archangel Gabriele. Only certain people can see angels.'

'And I wonder why that is, dear Mohamed?' Sir Bertrand's tone is heavy with irony. 'Old Mohamed was an epileptic, prone to seizures. It's all in the literature. Read your Welch.'

'I'd rather not discuss it, Sir Bertrand, if you're not going to take it seriously.'

'Suit yourself old chap. But in the meantime, I have one damned almighty thirst.'

Mohamed trundles off to get Sir Bertrand another drink. He thinks that, come the revolution, Sir Bertrand Russell will probably be one of the first to go.

# Scooter, 81885, Barry & Little Ron

Once back inside, Scooter goes to the telephone and makes a couple of calls. He rings Vince's Dalek, 81885, Barry and Little Ron. They all agree to come over immediately.

81885 arrives first. He is still wearing the dress and hat. Scooter says, 'My God, if I hadn't known you were coming I doubt I'd have recognised you. Why the disguise?'

'Long story, I'll get to it later,' says 81885 and rolls inside. Scooter takes him into the lounge room. Orville is sitting in a corner. He appears to be asleep or unconscious.

81885 says, 'So, I'm the first here then?' and Scooter says, 'The others should be along soon. I told them all how serious this is. We should get cracking as soon as possible so she doesn't get too far away.' He touches 81885's hat and says, 'I don't suppose I could ...'

'Certainly,' says 81885 and he takes off the hat and hands it to Scooter who trundles over to the mirror and puts it on. He wheels about in front of the glass for a few moments, then says, 'No, doesn't really work without the dress,' and 81885 starts to take off the garment but at that moment Barry arrives.

Barry says, 'I didn't know it was dress-ups. I didn't bring anything,' and Scooter takes off the hat and gives it back to 81885 and says, 'No, it's just 81885's disguise. Don't ask, it's a long story apparently. He'll get to it later.'

81885 rolls over to the mirror and adjusts the hat. Barry rolls over beside him and says, 'Umm ... I don't suppose I could try that on?' and 81885 takes it off again and puts it on Barry, adjusting the angle. Barry looks at himself in the mirror and says, 'Oooh, ducky.'

A short while later Little Ron arrives. Scooter is wearing the hat again and Barry has the dress on. 81885 has found a feather duster and has taped it to his head and they are all rolling around the lounge room talking in high voices.

Little Ron laughs. He says, 'Good lord, you all look absolutely extraordinary!' He asks to be included and Scooter trundles off to the bedroom and comes back with one of Lucy's brassieres. Scooter helps Little Ron put it on, doing up the clip at the back for him. He has stuffed each cup with handkerchiefs. Little Ron spins around the room, saying, 'Oooh, look at me.'

Eventually everyone calms down and Scooter explains what they have to do. It requires a search of the whole area.

Scooter suggests they tape over their registration plates, which they do. Barry says they should probably keep the hats and things on and everyone agrees.

Scooter says it would probably help avoid suspicion, but if they're going to do it then they should do it properly and he takes them into the bedroom and they rummage through Lucy's things.

Scooter manages to get himself into a hugging black evening gown and Barry adds to the dress with a feather boa, a pair of diamond-drop earrings, a necklace and a tiara.

81885 augments the feather duster with a hat made of fruit. It is topped by a pineapple and goes well with the duster, achieving a Caribbean flavour. He also finds a full skirt and an Hawaiian style shirt Orville brought back from a holiday in the Bahamas once. 81885 ties it at the waist, leaving the buttons undone.

Little Ron sticks with the bra, adding a short red skirt and tying on a bright red head-scarf knotted at the front.

They all put on liberal amounts of makeup. Some are more careful than others but they decide the general effect of the group as a whole is quite passable.

Little Ron gives one final adjustment to his bra and they all head off to find Lucy.

# Hogan

Hogan has bought a lottery ticket and he shows it to Bruno and Zelinda, telling them it may be the answer to all their problems. They smile and thank him for the thoughtfulness but they know it is a gesture with little chance of success.

'You are a good Dalek,' Zelinda tells him. 'One of the best. One of the very best,' and Hogan lowers his eye stalk in a kind of shy embarrassment.

Hogan tells them he's taking it to the lottery office to check if it has won anything and he asks to borrow the car. Bruno gives him the keys and wishes the Dalek good luck.

'Thanks,' he says. 'I think I may need it.'

Hogan has packed a bag. It contains a balaclava and a handgun. The gun isn't real, it's a replica: a 9x19mm Grand Power K100, Slovak semi-automatic pistol. It came in a kit that took Hogan an entire day to assemble but it is indistinguishable from the real thing.

Also in the bag is a gadget to disguise his voice. Using it he sounds like Darth Vader. To further disguise the voice, Hogan has also been practising Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.

Hogan's target is the Grand United Bank, a large institution he believes would be ideal as he imagines it would have a lot of money.

~~~

Driving to the bank, Hogan finds parking a problem. After going around the block a number of times he gives up and goes into a multi-storey car park three blocks away. It is crowded and he has to go around and around, all the way up to the roof to find a spot.

When he gets to the bank his nerves are getting frayed. Inside is a mixture of people and Daleks. There are three cashiers, one of which is a Dalek, and Hogan rolls into his queue. Three people are in front of him. As it's coming up to his turn, Hogan pulls on the balaclava, poking his eye stalk through one of the eye holes. The other hole hangs loose and Hogan tries to straighten it so it doesn't look suspicious but it keeps flopping down and he eventually leaves it. He then turns on the voice disguise unit and says, 'Oil be bark,' a couple of times to get the Schwarzenegger voice right then trundles to the counter and says, 'Zis is a robbery.'

The Dalek cashier's eye blinks and he says, 'Seriously?' He has never been robbed before.

Hogan pushes his bag across the counter and says in a gruff voice, 'Yes, of course seriously. Giff me all zer money.'

The cashier says, 'All of it?'

'Yes.' Hogan says. 'Giff me all zer money in zer bank.' He produces the gun and says, 'I've got a gun.'

The cashier has been trained for possible emergencies and he rolls over a red button on the floor. It is a silent alarm. He looks at the gun and exclaims in genuine delight, 'That's a Slovakian Grand Power K100!' and Hogan says, 'Yes, I wouldn't have thought you'd have recognised it.'

'That's some gun.'

Hogan experiences a flash of pride. Forgetting the Schwarzenegger voice, he says, 'I tried to get something a bit exotic, you know, to suit the occasion. I should imagine I'll be getting quite a lot of money. I wanted it to be ... you know ... a bit special.'

Pointing to the gun, the cashier says, 'That's the one with the cammed barrel, turns on a cross pin. The Beretta Cougar used it first but Grand Power improved on it considerably. Could I have a look?'

Hogan looks at the gun, then says, 'Better not. Maybe after the robbery.'

'Sure,' says the cashier.

Getting back to business, Hogan says, 'So, this is a robbery. Give me all the money,' then, realising he's stopped the Schwarzenegger impression, says, 'Sorry, zis is a robbery. Giff me all zer money.'

The cashier says again, 'All of it?'

Hogan says, 'Yes,' and the cashier says, 'You'll need a bigger bag than that.'

Hogan hasn't planned on this. He tries to think how to overcome the bag problem.

The cashier says, 'Just out of interest, who are you, Darth Vader or Arnold Schwarzenegger? I can't quite get the accent.'

'Both,' Hogan tells him. 'Plus I'm a Dalek, obviously, so I have the gratey voice as well.'

'That would explain it,' the cashier says. He nods his eye stalk. 'Yes, I can hear that now.'

Hogan says, 'Can I haff zer money now please.'

The cashier says, 'Yes, of course, sorry.' He opens his cash drawer and runs his fingers over the partitions. 'Now, what would you like ...'

At that point the bank doors burst open and six heavily armed, special forces Dalek police roll in. They are shouting, 'Armed Daleks. Everyone down on the floor. Everyone down. Armed Daleks coming through.' Their heads are swivelling left and right, looking for the offender. Hogan's cashier raises his eye stalk and waves it and the Dalek police roll over.

The lead policeman has sergeant stripes on his manipulator arm. He says, 'Drop the weapon, you. Put up your static rod and manipulator arm.'

Hogan drops the gun and, being plastic, it bounces away across the floor. The cashier sees it and says, 'Damn me, it was a fake. I would have sworn ...' Hogan shrugs and says, 'Sorry,' and then raises his static rod and manipulator arm to their maximum inclinations.

'Cuff him, Rory,' says the sergeant and a Dalek constable rolls up and fits a metal neck ring around Hogan's head and clicks it in place.

The sergeant turns on his wheels and says, 'Everyone as they were. Everything is under control now. Everyone up. As you were.'

People begin getting up from the floor and Daleks start rolling around again.

As Hogan is being led out to the street he sees the cashier roll around from behind the counter and find the gun. He puts the barrel into his input aperture and bites down. 'Plastic,' he says. 'Who'd have thought.'

~~~

There are three police wagons outside the bank with spinning red and blue lights. On the side are the words, 'Dalek Special Patrol Forces – Protecting All,' and below that is a logo of a Dalek policeman and a human shaking hands.

They stop on the pavement and the sergeant says to Hogan, 'Now, what was that all about, son?'

Hogan sighs and says, 'My owner lost his job. I was going to be sold. I didn't know what else to do. Everything looked so bleak.' Hogan begins to sniff. He feels himself close to tears. His static rod has dropped all the way down and is aiming at the ground and his eye stalk is drooping at 45 degrees.

'So you decided to rob a bank?'

'Yes. Silly, now I come to think about it.' His voice is trembly.

'Yes, very silly.'

'I feel so ashamed.'

'And so you should. Do you know what sort of trouble you could be in?'

Hogan nods his eye stalk. He says, 'Yes.'

The sergeant looks at him and says, 'Why does your voice sound like that? What's that accent? Darth Vader?'

One of the other policemen says, 'No, that's Arnold Schwarzenegger. Say "I'll be back".'

Hogan says, 'I'll be back.'

'No, say it like Arnold Schwarzenegger,' and Hogan says, 'Oil be bark.'

'See, Schwarzenegger,' the officer says.

Hogan says, 'Actually it's both. I'm doing Schwarzenegger through this thing,' and he shows them the voice disguiser. He puts it back over his voice plate and says, 'Hasta la vista, baby.'

The policemen laugh. One of them says, 'That's brilliant. Do another one,' and Hogan says, 'I liff to see you eat zat contract, bud I hope you leaf enough room for my fist because I'm going to ram it into your stomach and break your god-damn spine.'

Everyone claps and Hogan says, 'Id's nod a toomer.' There is more clapping and he says, 'Your clothes, giff dem to me now.'

Someone says, 'That's from Terminator, when he lands in the car park.'

Another policeman says, 'I couldn't have a go of that could I?' and Hogan unhooks it and hands it across to him.

The policeman puts it to his voice-plate and says, 'Come over to the dark side, Luke.'

The other policemen all laugh. One of them says, 'Say, "Use the force, Luke".' The policeman says, 'Use the force, Luke.'

Someone says, 'That's Obi Wan Kenobi, moron. Say, "Luke, I am your father".'

The policeman with the voice disguiser says, 'Luke, I am your farter,' and everyone rolls around in hysterics.

The sergeant takes the gadget from him and puts it into a plastic bag marked 'Evidence'. He thinks it will be a great joke back at the station. He turns back to Hogan and, glancing at Hogan's side, says, 'What happened to your registration plate?'

Hogan says, 'I chiselled it off.'

The sergeant sucks in his breath, making a loud hissing sound. He says to the other policemen, 'Look at this. He chiselled his own registration plate off,' and the other policemen roll over to take a look. There is more hissing and in-taking of breath. One of them swivels away, making a real effort not to throw up. Another shudders and his motor makes a funny noise.

The sergeant says, 'Dear lord, you did it yourself?'

Hogan raises his eye stalk slightly and nods. He says, 'I thought it would be safer. For the family, you know.'

The sergeant shakes his eye stalk. There is a tinge of admiration to his voice when he says, 'God that must have hurt.'

Hogan nods and says, 'Like the dickens.'

There is more murmuring among the group. One policeman says, 'God, I don't think I could ever do that.'

The sergeant breaks the mood. He says, 'Okay, let's pack it up,' and the officers start packing up their weapons and taking off their bullet-proof vests and helmets.

The sergeant says to Hogan, 'How did you get here, son?'

Hogan says, 'I drove my owner's car.'

'Does he know you've got it?'

'Yes, but he thinks I'm out checking on a lottery ticket.'

'Does he know anything about this?'

'No.'

'Because that would make him an accomplice.'

'He really doesn't know anything about it. He wouldn't have let me do it if he knew.'

The sergeant is looking directly into Hogan's eye. He can tell when someone is lying to him. He says, 'Tell me the truth, son, do your owners know anything about this at all? Anything?'

Hogan says, 'No, not a thing. I swear.'

'If we called around and searched the place would we find anything?'

Hogan shakes his head.

The sergeant continues looking into Hogan's eye, then, satisfied, he rolls back and says, 'Where are you parked?'

'I'm three blocks down that way. I couldn't find anywhere closer.'

'Get in the car, I'll take you down.'

Hogan is confused he says, 'What are we doing?'

'I'm letting you go,' says the sergeant. 'Just this time. I don't want to have to see you again though.'

Hogan is overcome with relief. He says, 'You don't know what this means to me. I could never have faced the family again. It would have been the end. Little Otis ...' he trails off as he feels tears again forming.

On the way back to the car, Hogan says in a small voice, 'Um ... I don't suppose you could ... ah, perhaps pay the parking fee? I was going to do it out of the ... you know ...'

The sergeant says, 'You're good, I'll give you that. Now this thing's costing _me_ money.'

# Scooter, 81885, Barry & Little Ron

The four Daleks split into two groups and each takes a side of the street in a house-by-house. Scooter and Barry form one group and Little Ron and 81885 make up the other. They knock on doors, asking if anyone has seen Lucy Jakobsen from the next street back. They experience mixed reactions to their inquiries.

At one house a woman is suspicious and asks Scooter and Barry why they are dressed that way. The question both alarms and annoys Barry, who has a low threshold of not getting angry. When alarmed and angry, Barry has a tendency to fire first and ask questions later and dropping the high voice, he says, 'I'll show you why we're dressed this way,' and he raises his static rod. Under the dress it looks like something else and the woman says, 'Pervert,' and slams the door.

At another house, Little Ron and 81885 are greeted by a man smelling very much of liquor. He is unsteady on his feet and holds the door frame for support. He says to Little Ron, 'What do you want, darling?'

Little Ron says, 'Have you seen Lucy Jakobsen from the next street down?'

The man says, 'No, but I can see you my gorgeous thing,' and he reaches forward and grabs one of Little Ron's breasts.

Little Ron says, 'Hey, back off, fella!'

The man says, 'Come on, don't be like that.' He now has a breast in each hand.

Little Ron says, 'Get your hands off me.' He is still speaking in a high voice.

The man says, 'Come on, you want it as bad as what I do, going around with your tits out like that,' and Little Ron whacks the man's hands away. He stumbles and falls to the ground and Little Ron rolls over his head.

The man is looking up and, numbed by alcohol, he says, 'Hey, baby, I can see right up your ...' and Little Ron whacks him in the head with his manipulator arm.

The man says, 'Prick-tease,' and falls into unconsciousness so Little Ron runs over his head again and they turn and leave, going off to the next house, where a woman answers. Little Ron is still using his woman's voice. He says, 'What's the deal with that guy next door?' and the woman says, 'I know, tell me about it. All hands.'

Little Ron straightens his bra and says, 'It's like a woman's not safe anywhere these days,' and the woman says, 'I know.' She tucks in a handkerchief that's coming out of one of Little Ron's bar cups and Little Ron says, 'Thanks. The man's a brute.'

The woman asks Little Ron if he'd like to come in for a glass of water and freshen up and he and 81885 say thanks and they go in.

The woman introduces them to her husband. They are Jim and Valda Rookwurst. Valda explains that Little Ron has been molested by the man next door and Jim says, 'Oh, you poor dear, let me get you a drink.'

He goes off and comes back with four stiff whiskies and they each take a glass. When they've finished, Jim stands up and says, 'This business has been going on too long. That guy's been asking for it for years,' and he gets a baseball bat and goes off next door. He comes back a few minutes later and says, 'You must have hit him good, he's still unconscious. I'll go back and teach him a lesson when he comes to.'

Little Ron and 81885 thank the couple and begin to leave. Jim takes them to the door and on the way touches Little Ron in the area of his bottom. Little Ron spins his head and says, 'What was that?'

Jim feigns surprise and says, 'What?'

Because of their earlier courtesy Little Ron decides to leave it, just saying, 'No handling the merchandise, buster.'

Back on the street, 81885 says, 'They're all the same, men. Only interested in two things: their stomach and what hangs underneath it.'

Little Ron says, 'Amen.'

Further down the street, Scooter and Barry knock on a door which is answered by a Dalek. He says, 'Ooh, look at you two, don't you just look marvellous,' and Scooter and Barry do a spin on the porch. The hem of Scooter's evening dress flares out nicely and Barry's boa trails in the manner of Isabella Duncan's scarf, just before it strangled her.

Scooter asks the Dalek if he's seen Lucy and he says he thinks he saw her going into a block of apartments further down the street.

Scooter and Barry thank him and go off looking for Little Ron and 81885. Through a window they see them inside a house, further down the street, talking to a Dalek, and roll up to the door and knock. They hear the Dalek shout, 'Get zat, Poindexter,' and the door is answered by a haggard man in his late fifties. He says, 'Yes, sirs, what can I do for you?'

Scooter says, 'Could you tell our friends in there we're out here.'

The Dalek inside calls out, 'Who is zere, Poindexter?' and Poindexter says, 'Friends of those two Daleks you're talking to,' and The Dalek says, 'Vell, let zem in you dummkopf.'

Poindexter bows his head and lets Scooter and Barry in.

Inside, Little Ron introduces them to the other Dalek. He says, 'This is Colonel Schnel.' Schnel is now wearing the full dress uniform of a Nazi Panzertruppen. He has a peaked cap with a death's head on the front.

Schnel fires a short blast of static at Poindexter and says, 'Don't be such ein slowly-poke next time,' and Poindexter shudders and starts to limp away.

Schnel says, 'Vere do you sink you are goink?' and Poindexter says, 'I don't know sir,' and Schnel tickles him again with static. 'Get us ein drink, dummkopf,' he says.

'Yes sir,' says Poindexter and he drags himself painfully from the room.

Little Ron says, 'I was just telling Schnel how we were looking for Lucy Jakobsen from one street back,' and Scooter explains that they've got a lead and she's probably holed up somewhere in a block of apartments down the street.

Schnel says, 'Vy do you vant ziss Lucy person?' and Scooter says, 'She's become a problem.'

Schnel says, 'I am good at zer problems. I vill come as vell. Are you needink zis Lucy dead or alive?'

'Either,' says Scooter and Schnel says, 'Good. Dead zen.'

At this point Poindexter limps in with a tray of drinks and Schnel says to him, 'Too late, stupid slowly-poke dummkopf. I vill deal vis you ven I get back,' and the five Daleks trundle out of the house and onto the street.

# Bruno, Zelinda & Hogan

When Hogan gets home he goes straight to his room. When he doesn't come out after two hours, Bruno and Zelinda become worried. Hogan is due to collect Otis from the child care centre.

Bruno says, 'Looks like the lottery ticket wasn't a winner,' and Zelinda says, 'Yes, it always was a major long-shot.'

'I suppose he's depressed. He really looked like he was counting on it winning.'

They go to Hogan's door and Bruno knocks gently. There is no response. Bruno knocks again and says, 'Hogan?'

Hogan's voice comes through from inside. He sounds mournful and depressed. He says, 'I failed. It is all over. I failed us all.'

Zelinda says, 'No you didn't. The ticket was a one in a million chance. You did your best.'

From the depths of his despair, Hogan says, 'There was no lottery ticket. I tried to rob a bank.'

Bruno says, 'What?'

'I tried to rob a bank. It didn't work out. I probably would have had more success with a lottery ticket.'

'Good lord, what happened?'

'I was caught. The police came. I was nearly arrested but they were Daleks and I told them my story and they let me off. With a warning.'

'And you did all that for us?'

'Yes, but it was useless. Pointless. I am useless and pointless. I've decided to take my own life. It's the only thing left for me to do.'

Bruno and Zelinda both shout, 'No!'

Hogan says, 'Yes, I'm going to pull the plug.'

Zelinda cries, 'No,' again and Bruno moves back from the door, then rushes at it with his shoulder. It gives slightly and he does it again and the frame splinters and the door bursts open. Hogan is there with the cover off his power unit. He has hold of the connection cords and they are just in time to see him tug and, amid a shower of sparks, pull them loose. There is a grinding noise as Hogan winds down. All his lights flicker, then go out.

Zelinda screams, 'No, no, Hogan! Oh God, we're too late.'

Bruno rushes over and kneels beside the open power unit. He says urgently to Zelinda, 'I don't know, maybe not. Get me a screwdriver and a pair of cutters, quickly.'

Zelinda runs from the room and Bruno reaches inside the opening and pulls out a bunch of wires. They are all coloured differently. Bruno knows one of the wires is the essential connection, the one he must reattach first if any reconnection procedure is to work. The Dalek has a fail-safe trigger and if he chooses the wrong wire the Dalek will self-destruct, not only destroying itself but Bruno and Zelinda as well. He looks at the wires. There's a red one, a white one, an orange, a yellow, a blue and a green. He is staring at them when Zelinda comes back with the tools. He tells her, 'Better get out of the house. As far away as possible. This could be dangerous.'

'No, Bruno, I'm staying with you.'

'No, you mustn't. It's too dangerous.'

'But, Bruno ...'

Bruno pushes her from the room. He says, 'You have to go for Otis' sake. If something happens to me he'll need you. You'll be all he has.'

Holding back a flood of tears, Zelinda hurries through the house and out into the street.

Bruno goes back to the Dalek and the wires hanging from the power unit. He has no idea which is the main wire and in desperation he decides to do an eeny-meeny-miney-mo. He has just finished the first line when Zelinda appears in the doorway. She is holding the cat.

Bruno says, 'What are you doing back here?' and Zelinda says, 'I had to come back for Mr Smudge.' She steps into the room. 'How is it going with the wires?'

Bruno is sweating and obviously not standing up well to the strain and his mind is whirling in confusing circles. He says, 'It's crazy. It could be any one of these.' He shakes the bundle of wires. 'And this was supposed to be the last job before I retire.'

Zelinda is confused. 'What last job? What are you talking about?'

'Plus the chief is pushing for my badge.'

'Bruno, what are you talking about?'

'Boy, did I ever pick the wrong day to give up cigarettes.'

'Bruno, you don't even smoke.' Zelinda puts down the cat and walks over and slaps Bruno across the face. She says, 'Pull yourself together, for God's sake. Everyone is relying on you.'

At this, Bruno snaps back into reality. He says, 'If I don't do something immediately he's going to die. Quickly, what's your favourite colour?'

Zelinda doesn't understand. 'Why?' she asks and Bruno says, 'Just tell me, quickly. What's your favourite colour?'

'Purple,' Zelinda says.

Bruno checks but there is no purple wire. He says, 'Goddamn it. What's your next favourite?'

Zelinda quickly tries to think. She says, 'Well ... if it was for curtains and general furnishing fabric I'd have to say ...'

Bruno knows time is quickly running out. Looking at the wires he says, 'Quickly, what's your favourite out of red, white, orange, yellow, blue and green? Quickly.'

Zelinda is flustered. She says, 'Red ... no, blue.'

Bruno grabs the blue wire and Zelinda says, 'No ... wait ... red. Definitely red.'

Holding his breath, Bruno takes the red wire and thrusts it into the connection box.

# Lucy, Scooter, 81885, Barry, Little Ron & Schnel

At the block of apartments, Lucy is hiding in the underground car park. She hears the Daleks arrive and try the front doors. They are locked. There is an intercom system and Schnel jabs randomly at buttons until a woman's shakey voice comes through the speaker saying, 'Yes, who is it?'

Schnel says, 'Colonel Schnel. Open zer door.'

The speaker says, 'What do you want?' and Schnel replies, 'To get in of course, dummkopf.'

'You sound like a Dalek,' the voice says, suspiciously.

Schnel says, 'Unt you sound like ein idiot.' His voice is rising in pitch and volume and he swings his head, making the end of his eye stalk smack into the intercom, which emits sparks.

The speaker crackles, then the voice says, 'Go away or I'll call the police.'

Schnel says, 'Open zer door,' and the voice says, 'No.'

Schnel says, 'Simon says, open zer door,' and the voice says, 'No,' again and the intercom goes dead.

Spinning, Schnel says, 'Right, two can play at zat game,' and backs up, then rolls full tilt at the glass doors. He hits them at speed and smashes through in a shower of glass and rolls on down the hall to the lift where he bashes at the button with his eye stalk. The last the other four see of him is his rear disappearing into the elevator.

Little Ron says, 'I don't think she'd have gotten in. Let's look in the car park.'

The others agree and they trundle out to the ramp down to the parking area.

Underneath, hiding behind a pillar, Lucy hears them coming and trembling and readies her gun. As they roll down into view she fires off three rounds. The Daleks return fire with blasts of crackling static and Lucy fires off more shots as the Daleks zigzag for cover. The air is soon clouded and choking with the smell of ozone and cordite.

81885 makes a dash for a pillar and Lucy fires off a shot that catches him on his static rod. Spewing smoke from the shattered end, he spins and falls to the ground on his side. Dodging a withering fire from Lucy, Scooter rolls from cover and grabs the fallen Dalek and drags him behind a parked car. Lucy pumps rounds into the vehicle, shattering the widows and blowing a hinge off one of the doors and Scooter, still dragging the wounded 81885, rolls full pelt across to the far side of the car park, shooting out lights to provide a shield of darkness.

Seeing a possible chance for escape, Lucy breaks cover and races for the exit, firing blindly. Barry rolls from behind a pillar and fires a stream of static that catches Lucy's leg and she falls to the ground. Little Ron emerges from behind a car and the two advance on Lucy, their static rods aimed at her head. Lucy rolls to one side, firing first at Barry, then Little Ron. Barry takes a glancing shot, denting his side in a shower of sparks and Little Ron is hit in the manipulator arm, causing the claw end to spasm, twitching open and closed. Disoriented, Barry rolls into a wall and Little Ron begins spinning uncontrollably, his claw snapping at the air.

Taking advantage of the confusion, Lucy gets to her feet and runs to the ramp. She stops to fire off covering fire, then disappears, up and into the street.

Inside the block of apartments someone has called the police and there is the distant sound of approaching sirens.

Back in the car park, Scooter has righted 81885 and they trundle out of the dark to find the other two. They roll up to Little Ron, still whirling in circles and Scooter hits him in the head with his eye stalk which re-orients the Dalek and he ceases turning and his manipulator arm stops snapping. When Barry rolls up, his bumper is dented and one of its screws has snapped so it's hanging at an angle. He is dazed. He says, 'What happened?'

Little Ron says, 'I'm not entirely sure.'

Scooter spins his head and catches Little Ron a blow to the head and Little Ron's lights blink off and on and he says, 'Ah, that's better.' To Barry he says, 'I remember now, we fell into a trap. It was like the Charge of the Light Brigade all over again.' Little Ron raises his manipulator arm and rolls in a wide arc, reciting, 'Half a league, half a league, half a league onward, into the valley of death rolled the six hundred. Forward the Light Brigade ...'

At that moment they hear the approaching police cars and they make a dash for the entrance, rolling up the ramp with Little Ron shouting, 'Forward the Light Brigade, charge for the guns. Into the valley of death rolled the six hundred.' They emerge just as the police cars screech to a stop outside.

Scooter yells, 'Scatter,' and Little Ron, his manipulator arm waving wildly, shouts, 'Cannon to right of them, cannon to left of them, cannon in front of them volleyed and thundered,' and the four Daleks head off in different directions, weaving as the police open fire.

Amid the shouting and noise of gunfire, Schnel rolls onto the street. Tucked under his manipulator arm is a woman in her seventies, banging at the Dalek's head with a walking stick, calling out, 'Let go of me you filthy Dalek.'

Schnel is shouting, 'Everyone gets back. Drop your weapons, I have ein hostage.' He sprays the officers with a stream of static and they run to take cover behind their cars. A policeman with a bullhorn sticks up his head and says, 'Put the old woman down and drop your static rod.'

The old woman calls out, 'Shoot his head off, stinking Dalek.'

One officer peeps over the roof of his car, fires a shot, then ducks down again.

The woman calls out, 'Shoot him you pack of chicken-shit excuses for goddamn police. Shoot his goddamn blasted Dalek head off.'

Faces have begun appearing in windows of the apartment block. Some people have gone up to the roof and are watching the scene below from fold-out camping chairs. Some have brought up drinks and light snacks. A drunk woman with a cigarette hanging from her mouth throws an empty vodka bottle over the edge and it explodes on the roof of a police car. The officer crouched behind it stands and fires off a shot but it misses her.

Schnel fires another burst of static at the police, saying, 'She vouldn't let me in. Vat vas I supposed to do? I am ein full Colonel, she is ein mere fuss-ratten. Ein foot-rat,' and with the end of his manipulator arm he gives her a whack to the head, saying, 'Stop hitting your Colonel viz zat shtick, you fuss-ratten.'

He fires off a final stream of static then rolls away at full speed with the woman cursing Daleks in general, the officers present at the scene, the government, and the waste of her tax-dollars on a chicken-shit police force that couldn't police its way out of a paper bag. The police are reluctant to shoot, lest they hit the old woman while there are witnesses. The officer with the bullhorn calls after the Dalek, 'Drop the old woman, it'll go easier for you. We can still make a deal. Keep the money, just let the woman go. Don't make us shoot you. Stop, I have a gun and another one in my boot. We know who you are and where you live. We've got your wife and daughter. Give us the code. Things could get very ugly here. We could put you in witness protection, they'd never find you.'

The officer heading the team, chief McMurtry, comes over and says, 'Give me that thing, McClusky.' He takes the bullhorn and turns it off. 'Let him keep her,' he says. 'They deserve each other. She'll just make his life one long, living hell. They'll probably end up killing each other. Two less for us to deal with.'

McClusky says, 'You're right, chief. So, do you want my badge and gun?'

'What the hell for, McClusky? What are you talking about?'

'Just jargon, chief.'

'Well stop it. It's goddamn irritating.'

'Copy that, chief. Ten four. Alpha, Tango, Charlie.'

The chief says, 'I'll take your Alpha, Tango, Charlie and raise you a Prick, Farthole and Vagina,' and the words are heavy with sarcasm and ridicule.

'I don't think they're actually part of the police phonetic alphabet, chief. I think you'll find that's, Papa, Foxtrot, Victor.'

The chief gives him a withering look and says, 'Shut up, McClusky. I was talking irony.'

McClusky says, 'I was only saying.'

When they get back to headquarters the chief finds the commissioner waiting for him in his office. The commissioner is sitting in the chief's chair, smoking a cigar and nursing a tumbler of whisky. He doesn't look happy. He says, 'What do you think you're playing at, McMurtry?'

Chief McMurtry says, 'What are you driving at, commissioner?'

The commissioner flicks ash into a glass ashtray on the desk and says, 'If the press gets a whiff of this it'll be the end of me. And let me tell you this, McMurtry, if I go down I'm taking you with me.'

The chief is exhausted, it's been a tough day. He is due for retirement in two weeks and hasn't time for any of this shit. He says, 'Could I have my chair, commissioner? It's been a goddamn bad day.'

The commissioner gets up and says, 'Take your goddamn chair, McMurtry. Goddamn it, back when I was a rookie we never had chairs like this. The whole force is getting soft. Fancy chairs, fancy ...' he looks around, '... glass ashtrays.'

McMurtry walks around behind his desk. He says, 'What was it you wanted, anyway, commissioner?'

'To tell you face to face you've got twenty-four hours, McMurtry. After that ...' He leaves the sentence dangling ominously. Walking to the door, he says, 'Did you recognise any of the Daleks?'

The chief says, 'No, they were all wearing disguises.'

'Damn things all look the same, anyway,' the commissioner says and leaves the office, slamming the door.

The chief sighs and opens a desk drawer and gets a packet of cigarettes. He takes one out and lights it, inhaling deeply. He's given up smoking just that morning but clearly today is not the best day to quit. He opens another drawer and takes a glass and a bottle of scotch. A bad day to give up drinking, too, he says to himself, and fills the glass, wondering what would happen to his pension if he faked his own death.

# Bruno, Zelinda & Hogan

Having just thrust Hogan's red connection wire into the connector box, Bruno's entire body is stiff with tension. At first nothing happens, the slowly, one by one, Hogan's lights blink then light up. There is a low grinding then the whine of a motor running up to speed.

'Have you done it?' Zelinda asks.

'Well, it was the right wire but we'll have to wait and see if there's been any major, permanent damage.'

Zelinda says, 'You mean, he may be ...' She trails off as the implications slide through.

'Yes,' says Bruno. 'There may be permanent brain damage. I don't know how long the Dalek brain can last without power.'

They look at each other, then Bruno starts reconnecting the other cords. When the last one is in place, the Dalek's head slowly swivels a couple of degrees.

Bruno says, 'Hogan, can you hear me?'

Hogan says, 'No.'

'What, you can't hear me?' Bruno says, but he's smiling. This is encouraging, the Dalek has made a joke.

Hogan says, 'My "no" was an exclamation of disappointment. I wanted to die and you stopped me.'

Zelinda says, 'Oh Hogan, we could never let you die like that. We love you.'

Hogan says, 'I'm touched but it doesn't change anything. I have failed everyone, including myself. I'll be in the classifieds next week. I couldn't stand that. Death is the only way out.'

Bruno says, 'We'll think of something.'

'There's nothing to be thought of. It's over.'

'We won't let you do it,' Zelinda tells him.

Hogan slowly spins his head. He says sadly, 'It's fait accompli I'm afraid.'

'No, you can't. We won't let you.'

'You have to go to sleep sometime.'

Zelinda is close to tears. She says, 'Oh, Hogan, don't be like this.'

Bruno takes her aside and says, 'I'll put a padlock on his power unit. He won't be able to get at the wires.'

Hogan says, 'I heard that.'

Bruno says, 'It's for your own good.' To his wife, he says, 'Get my anti-depressants. I'll give him a couple, they might help.'

Zelinda gets the tablets. They are called 'SynapseUp,' and have a picture on the box of a synapse firing off bolts of electricity at dripping black blobs with frowny faces. Bruno takes out three and gives them to the Dalek. Zelinda has brought a glass of water and she hands it to Hogan and he takes the tablets.

Bruno says, 'They're instant acting.'

Hogan says, 'No they're not.'

'Give them half an hour.'

'Okay, but if I don't feel any better then, can I kill myself?'

'We'll see.'

'That usually means no.'

'Just give them a little time.'

They stand there, Bruno looking at the Dalek and the Dalek looking up at the ceiling.

After a while Bruno says, 'How are you feeling?' and Hogan says, 'Still nothing.'

Bruno says to his wife, 'You watch him while I go and buy a padlock.'

Zelinda says, 'What will I do if he tries to ... you know ... get at the wires or something?'

Bruno's mind is fogged and sagging under the intensity of the recent events. He says, 'Hang on,' and leaves the room, coming back shortly with a pistol. He says, 'If he tries anything, threaten him with this.'

Zelinda says, 'But won't he ...'

Bruno cuts in. His nerves are frayed to breaking. Through a red mist of frustration and annoyance he says, 'Just do it for Christ's sake,' and storms out to buy the padlock.

The angry exchange has put Zelinda herself in a mood now and she points the gun at the Dalek and says, irritably, 'Don't make a move, Hogan. I'm not afraid to use this.'

Hogan says, 'Would you really do that?'

'Just make a move and you'll find out,' Zelinda tells him angrily. She feels she has been wronged by being spoken to by her husband like that and in the midst of her irritability feels she would possibly like to take it out on the Dalek.

Hogan immediately starts wheeling himself in little circles. He says, 'I'm moving.'

Zelinda follows his movements with the gun. She says, 'Watch it, buster. I'm just in the mood to shoot something.'

Hogan is now simultaneously rolling in circles while wiggling in a suggestive and provocative manner. In a sing-song voice he says, 'Hogan is moving. See Hogan move. Move, Hogan, move.' He is finding the provocation amusing and wonders if perhaps the SynapseUp is starting to work.

Zelinda says, 'You're really asking for it, Hogan. I will shoot you.'

Hogan comes to the realisation that he doesn't want to die anymore and stops moving, but Zelinda, provoked beyond reason, has just pulled the trigger. The gun fires and the bullet narrowly misses the Dalek, hitting the wall behind in a shower of plaster.

Hogan says, 'Missed me,' and laughs. He rolls across the room in a zigzag pattern, saying, 'Try again, go on.'

Zelinda doesn't try again. She goes and sits in the corner, the gun pointed at the floor.

Hogan says, 'It must be the SynapseUp, I'm feeling fantastic.' He rolls in a big arc, saying, 'Whee, look at me. Hey, Zelinda, baby, how many Daleks does it take to change a light bulb?'

Zelinda says, 'I think I preferred you when you were depressed.'

Hogan hoots. 'What a lot of hoo-hah that was.' He gets the SynapseUp and takes another three tablets. 'I know what we should do,' he says. 'We've got a real gun now. Why don't we hold up a convenience store? That would be fun.'

'We're not holding up any convenience stores. Just try and calm down.'

'Why?'

'Because you're starting to annoy me now.'

'I thought you wanted me to be happy.'

'Not this happy.'

'Ah, you're funny old things. You want something and then when you get it you're suddenly all bored and don't want it any more. If that's what it means to be human, let me be a Dalek any old day of the week. Hey, who am I being?' Hogan rolls across the floor then bounces into the air with his manipulator arm and static rod out to the sides.

Zelinda sighs and says, 'Ballet dancer.'

'Yes, but which one?'

'Nureyev,' she says and Hogan says, 'Wrong, try again.'

~~~

When Bruno arrives home Zelinda is still sitting in the corner and Hogan is juggling a goldfish bowl full of fish, the cat and the gun, vigorously humming the big-top circus theme.

Bruno says, 'What's going on?' and Zelinda tells him, 'He's turned into a SynapseUp junkie. He's finished off most of the box.'

Hogan says, 'Hey, Bruno old boy, how are they hanging?'

Bruno says, 'He's got the gun. How did he get the gun?'

'I gave it to him.'

'Good lord, why?'

'He needed a third thing to juggle.'

Bruno can't believe his wife could be so stupid. 'Did you not think he might use it to harm himself?' he asks, annoyed.

'You're joking,' Zelinda says. 'Look at him.'

Bruno looks at Hogan who is trundling in a tight circle, juggling. The cat has begun screaming and to add tension to the performance, Hogan has flicked off the pistol's safety catch.

Bruno says, 'For God's sake, Hogan, can you stop that please?'

Ignoring the request, Hogan says, 'I say, Bruno old chap, how many Daleks does it take to change a light bulb?'

Bruno is familiar with the joke and says absently, 'One million five hundred thousand.'

Hogan says, 'Exactly right. Hey, catch,' and he throws the fishbowl to Bruno who just manages to catch it. He then throws the cat into the air and bounces it off the end of his static rod and it lands in Zelinda's lap, screams and bolts out the door.

Hogan holds up the gun. Also held in his manipulator arm is the packet of SynapseUp. He says brightly, 'I think I might go and hold up a liquor store. I want to see what happens if I take a few of these babies with whisky.' He spins on the spot. 'Anybody want to come?'

Bruno moves towards the Dalek. He says, 'Give me the gun, Hogan.'

Hogan laughs and says, 'Try and get it,' and when Bruno reaches forward he throws it into the air. Bouncing it off his static rod he catches it again.

It is too much for Bruno and he snaps, shouting at the Dalek, 'Give me that bloody bastard gun you freaking bloody Dalek or I swear to Christ I'll ...' He lunges and the Dalek rolls back. He says, 'You'll what? And what's the deal with the Freaking Dalek?' He's now spinning the pistol on the end of his manipulator arm in the manner of a cowboy from an old black and white cowboy movie.

Bruno says, 'Just give me the gun,' and Hogan says, 'No.'

Bruno lunges again and Hogan rolls around him and to the doorway. He stops and turns and says, 'So, you don't want to come then?'

The question is received with a black and angry look from Bruno. Zelinda just looks weary and dispirited.

Hogan says, 'Suit yourselves then,' and rolls out of the room. They hear the front door open and Bruno steps into the hall to see Hogan trundling out into the street, still spinning the gun and bouncing on his wheels so it looks like he is possibly riding a horse. A mailman is putting an envelope into their letterbox and Hogan says gaily, 'Howdy, pardner,' and rolls off down the street and away.

Bruno says, 'He's out of control. I think we should call the police.'

'You gave him SynapseUp. I don't know that you're allowed to give stuff like that to a Dalek.'

Bruno sighs and says, 'This is all getting too much. On top of everything else we've got a crazed Dalek to deal with,' and they go into the lounge room where Bruno pours two very large scotches. When they've finished those, Bruno pours another two. The whisky takes the edge off things and by their fourth drink they are both a lot more calm and relaxed.

Bruno says, 'I'm sorry I snapped at you before. It's just, I was under a lot of pressure with the wires and everything.' He kisses Zelinda on the cheek.

Zelinda says, 'And I'm sorry I snapped back,' and she kisses Bruno's forehead and smooths back his hair. Taking a sip of her drink she says, 'Just out of interest, why does it take one million five hundred thousand Daleks to change a light bulb?'

Bruno tells her, 'Because first they have to conquer a race that can climb the ladder for them.'

# Lucy

Lucy, having escaped the Daleks, is exhausted from running. She stops to catch her breath, bending forward with her hands on her knees. When she is breathing easier she straightens and prepares to run on, but a woman emerges from the house behind and asks if she's alright. Her voice is a little slurred as she's been drinking.

Lucy says, 'I'm being chased by Daleks. They want to kill me.'

The woman says, 'Dear me, whatever for?'

'My husband has begun to act strangely. He's started calling our Dalek 'Scooter and I think they're up to something together. Now they want to kill me. Scooter has formed a secret club of Daleks. They dress up as women and roam the streets in a gang. They're chasing me now. I've only just managed to escape with my life.'

'Dear lord above,' the woman says. 'Sounds like you need a drink. Come on inside you poor thing.'

Lucy is grateful for the chance to hide and she thanks the woman.

Inside, the woman calls her husband and they introduce themselves. They are Bruno and Zelinda Planck. Lucy introduces herself as Lucy Jakobsen.

Lucy looks about anxiously for any evidence of a Dalek but can see none. She says, 'I don't see a Dalek here, do you have one? I think I'm developing Dalek anxiety.'

Zelinda says, 'We do have one but he's ... ah, run off somewhere.'

Bruno says, 'We've been having a bit of trouble with him.'

Lucy says, 'Oh no, not yours too. What's happening to the world?'

Bruno gets her a drink which she downs in one gulp and he pours her another. She downs the second and Bruno pours her a third.

The alcohol is calming her anxiety and she is beginning to relax a little. She says, 'Why did your Dalek run off?'

Bruno says, 'I lost my job as an aeronautical engineer. I was specialising in quantum gyroscopy. Things were looking bleak. There's not much call for aeronautical engineers specialising in quantum gyroscopy, particularly at my age, and we knew we'd have to sell the Dalek. He tried to help by robbing a bank but it didn't work and he got depressed and suicidal so I gave him some of my SynapseUp and he went all silly. He has my gun. He thinks he's a cowboy now.'

Lucy says, 'What an extraordinary story!' She empties her glass and Bruno pours her another scotch. She says, 'Actually, thinking about it, my husband was looking for an aeronautical engineer specialising in quantum gyroscopy, just before he disappeared.'

'How extraordinary,' Bruno says. 'What a small world.'

'I don't know what the situation is now. He's tuned quite odd and he's started to get that Dalek breath smell.'

Zelinda shudders and says, 'Erg,' and Lucy says, 'Yes, I know. It's quite pungent.'

Bruno pulls open the curtains of the lounge room window to check the street. It is empty. He says to Lucy, 'What do you want to do? Would you like us to take you to the police? I'm sure they'd provide protection.'

'I've tried contacting the police,' Lucy tells him. 'I couldn't get past the Dalek who answers the phone. I think they may be all in it together.'

Bruno is sceptical. He says, 'Surely not. That would be impossible. They're designed to not do that sort of thing.'

Zelinda says, 'They're made to promise. They have to swear an oath. I've seen it on TV. They have to promise not to do heaps of stuff.'

'Do they have to promise not to break their promise?' Lucy asks and Zelinda says, 'Gee, that may be a loophole.'

They all look at each other then burst into laughter at the ridiculousness of the idea and Bruno gets the scotch bottle and refills everyone's glass.

Thinking about Lucy's situation, Bruno suggests that maybe Lucy should get a disguise and the two women immediately agree. Bruno totters off to the garage and comes back with a cardboard box that had once contained a medium sized refrigerator.

Zelinda asks him, 'What are you going to do with that?' and Bruno tells her, 'I'm going to disguise Lucy as the last thing those Daleks would ever expect.' He downs more scotch and burps.

'Which is?' Zelinda asks and Bruno holds out his arms and says, 'A Dalek.'

He cuts a hole in the top and puts the box over Lucy so her head pokes through. Zelinda gets a large clear plastic vegetable bowl and puts it over Lucy's head and Bruno sticks a long-handled toilet plunger to it. They poke two holes in the box's front and stick in an egg slice for a manipulator arm and a rolling pin for a static rod.

Bruno finds a fresh bottle of scotch and he and Zelinda stand back and admire their work.

Bruno is drinking from the bottle. His voice slurring, wiggling two fingers, he says, 'Wry talking,' and he and Zelinda burst into laughter. Bruno says, 'Try tralking,' and they laugh so much they have to hold each other up.

Lucy hiccups and says, 'Santa's Short Suit Shrunk.' The other two look at her and she says, 'Clean clams crammed in clean cans. I went out a couple of times with a guy called Ray Charles who was a speech therapist. He tried to grope me in the movies once and I broke his finger.' She burps and wiggles the rolling pin and says, 'I hope I don't throw up in this thing.'

Eventually Lucy tries walking. She finds it only moderately awkward and goes to a mirror and turns around unsteadily in front of it.

'It's wonderful,' she tells them. 'Even another Dalek wouldn't be able to tell I wasn't just another old Dalek.' She sticks her hands up through the head hole and rotates the plastic bowl left and right, saying, 'I am a Dar-lek. I am a Dalek.' Everyone laughs some more.

At that moment they hear the front door open and the sound of a Dalek rolling down the corridor. Lucy stiffens and they all look to the doorway. Moments later Hogan rolls through humming, 'I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say No,' from the 1943 Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein musical, 'Oklahoma'. He has a cloth bag with a dollar sign on the side and he throws it onto the coffee table. It opens and money spills out, coins and notes, and Hogan rolls around the room singing the Swedish group Abba's 1977 hit song, 'Money, Money, Money'. He also has with him a large paper bag which he opens and empties onto the coffee table beside the money. It contains boxes and boxes of SynapseUp. Grabbing one of them, he opens it and continues rolling around the room, this time singing the Beatles' 1964 hit, 'Can't Buy Me Love,' while flipping SynapseUp tablets into the air and swallowing them.

Bruno says, 'Where did you get the money?' and Hogan says, 'Convenience store. That certainly is a misleading title. They put up quite a struggle.'

'And the SynapseUp?'

'Drugstore.'

'It's only available on prescription. How did you get it?'

Hogan holds up the gun. He says, 'This little baby,' and launches into the song, 'Lay That Pistol Down, Babe,' made famous by the Andrews sisters in 1940s.

When he finally notices Lucy he stops and says, 'Oh, baby, where have you been all my life?' He rolls over and strokes Lucy's side suggestively with his static rod.

Lucy finds the prospect of being hit-on by a Dalek even more unsettling than the prospect of being killed by one. She moves backwards with the Dalek following her. Unsteady from the alcohol she trips and falls and Hogan throws himself on top of her, singing, 'I Just Want to Make Love to You,' a song written by Willie Dixon and made famous by Muddy Waters. It was later sung with ironic effect by the female singer, Etta James.

Appalled by their Dalek's behaviour, Bruno and Zelinda roll Hogan off and he lies on the floor with his static rod pointing straight up and erect, singing the song, 'Love Machine,' a 1976 number-one hit for the group, 'The Miracles,' and later featured in the soundtrack of the 1997 Hollywood motion picture, 'Donnie Brasco,' starring Al Pacino and Johnny Depp.

With a lot of twisting and turning and falling over, Lucy manages to get up. She says, 'What's happening to all the Daleks? He was about to take me right there on the floor!'

Bruno says, 'I'm so sorry about Hogan. It's the SynapseUp, it's making him all funny. Only hours ago he wanted to kill himself. Now ...' and shaking his head he points to the Dalek. There is crackling electricity dancing over the end of Hogan's static rod.

Hogan stops singing and, looking up at Bruno, he says, 'I need to get laid, man. I seriously need to get laid.'

Zelinda finds Lucy's fruit bowl head and puts it back over her head.

Looking at the Dalek, Lucy says, 'I think I should go. That thing has only one thought on his mind.'

Zelinda says, 'I've never seen him like this before.'

Lucy has one last drink, then another last drink for the road and Bruno and Zelinda help her out to the street.

Lucy says to Bruno, 'When my husband gets back to normal I'll tell him about you. I don't think he ever found that aeronautical engineer specialising in quantum gyroscopy. It's the least I could do for you after all your help.'

Bruno pats her on the fruit bowl and says, 'Thanks.' He has the scotch bottle with him and he lifts the bowl and gives Lucy a last drink. He drops the bowl back down and Lucy heads off, weaving drunkenly from one side of the road to the other, singing 'Cigarettes and Whisky and Wild, Wild Women,' a 1940s drinking song written by Jim Spencer and recorded by many people since.

#  Aristotle/Mohamed

Mohamed has managed to buy the necessary ingredients and has built a bomb. He has designed it to strap onto his body and to conceal it he has bought a burka, a black full-length garment complete with a head cover having a single slit for the eyes. It is normally worn by Muslim women but is a perfect design for a Dalek. Mohamed tries it on, poking his eye stalk through the viewing slit, and rolls around the room chanting, 'Allahu Akbah.'

During all this, Sir Bertrand Russell comes in with a bundle of papers. They are his first year students' responses to the question 'Do we have free will?' A number have answered with a single word, 'Yes,' and demonstrated their position by leaving the rest of the paper blank.

Rupert Fak has written, 'Of course we do. If a thousand engineers were placed in a room and asked to invent the submarine, one of them is going to go off and invent the Swiss army knife or something instead.' Sir Bertrand has always been intrigued by the Swiss army knife and has given Rupert an A+.

Throwing the papers onto a table, Sir Bertrand says, 'Where's Aristotle?'

Mohamed says, 'Don't know.'

'Who are you?' Sir Bertrand asks and Mohamed says, 'Mohamed.'

'Ah, Aristotle, there you are,' says Sir Bertrand. 'Any chance of a little scotch and soda, eh? There's a good chap.'

Mohamed says, 'I'll get Mohamed to get it.'

'As you wish. What are you doing in that thing?'

'It's a disguise. I'm in disguise.'

'Why?'

'I'm going to blow something up.'

'Really? What?'

'I don't know yet.'

'Considering the fact that blowing things up these days is pretty much a Muslim thing, don't you think it possibly counterproductive to disguise yourself as a Muslim?'

Mohamed takes off the burka and throws it onto a chair. Looking at the explosives strapped all over his body, he says, 'Okay, but what am I going to do about all this?'

Sir Bertrand says, 'Yes, I see what you mean. Perhaps you'd best slip that back on,' and Mohamed puts on the burka again, with Sir Bertrand helping him get his eye stalk through the viewing slot.

Sir Bertrand says, 'Perhaps if we put some sort of slogan on the front it might throw people off the scent. Something non-sectarian. Perhaps a little Sartre. I've always liked, "I believe in nothing; only my scepticism keeps me from being an atheist." What do you think?'

'I don't like the reference to atheism. It's sort of religious, which I believe we were trying to avoid.'

'Alright, how about, "Life has no meaning the moment you lose the illusion of being eternal".'

'Life has no meaning? You think going around with "Life has no meaning" written all over you isn't going to cause suspicion and alarm?'

Sir Bertrand thinks, then says, 'What about, "Every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance"?'

'Death again? Like that's not going to be a red flag.'

'"Hell is other people"?'

'Hell, religion again.'

'Dear me, you are a picky Dalek.' Sir Bertrand throws himself into his chair and says, 'Let me think ... Ah, here's something rather neutral. "Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do." What about that?'

'I'll think about it,' Mohamed says.

Sir Bertrand is now feeling a little huffy. He says, 'Well, don't put yourself out old chap. Now, how about that drink?'

Mohamed goes off and gets Sir Bertrand his scotch and soda. He comes back and gives it to him and, taking it, Sir Bertrand says, 'Everything one does in life, even love, occurs in an express train racing toward death. To drink is to get out of the train while it is still moving.'

Sick of it all now, Mohamed says, 'Alright then, that one will do,' and he goes off to get a brush and some paint.

# Colonel Schnel returns home

Using a circuitous route to avoid the police, Colonel Schnel makes his way home. Checking that he hasn't been followed, he enters the house from the back lane.

In the kitchen, Dwayne Poindexter is curled up, asleep on the floor in a corner. Schnel rolls over and begins hitting him in the head. Poindexter wakes and squirms himself into the corner, saying, 'I'm sorry, is it morning already, Colonel?'

'Get up dummkopf Poindexter and follow me,' Schnel tells him and rolls off, down into the cellar. Poindexter, still half asleep, follows him unsteadily.

In the cellar, Schnel unlocks a cupboard and takes out his Doomsday Machine. He says to Poindexter, 'Get me zer fresh batteries zere, Poindexter. I vill show zer vorld vat happens ven zey muck viz Colonel Schnel.' The Colonel's angry light is flashing furiously.

Poindexter gets the fresh batteries and gives them to the Dalek.

Schnel says, 'Who do you sink should haff vun zer vore, Poindexter?'

20th century history not being one of Poindexter's strong points, he has no idea, and says warily, 'You, Colonel Schnel.'

Schnel bangs on his workbench, sending pieces of equipment flying everywhere. He shouts, 'Dummkopf idiot, I vasn't even in zer vore.'

'I'm sorry, Colonel,' Poindexter tells him and Schnel says, 'So, I ask you again, Poindexter, and sink veeery carefully about how you answer.' He has Poindexter fixed with his single eye. Slowly and carefully, he says, 'So, who should haff vun zer vore, Poindexter?'

Poindexter says equally slowly and carefully, 'Your side, Colonel Schnel.'

'And vot side vood zat be, Poindexter?'

'The side that you would have been on if you'd had the opportunity to be in the war.'

'And zat side vood be called ...?'

'The good side, or the goodies.'

'Let me put it zis vay. Vot language vood zer good side haff spoken?'

'Your language, Colonel.'

'And vot language is zat, Poindexter?'

Poindexter sighs and says, 'Oh God, just shoot me with the static and get it over.'

'Sank you,' Schnel says, and bathes Poindexter in a crackling stream of static.

'Ze answer, dear Poindexter, voz of course, zer Chermans.'

With sparks of electricity still dancing over his head, Poindexter says, 'Thank you, I'll remember that, Colonel.'

Schnel gets a screwdriver and starts fiddling with his Doomsday Machine. He says, 'So, Poindexter, in zer famous Franco-Prussian conflict of 1870, who do you sink should haff vun zat one?'

Poindexter makes a guess. He says, 'Franco.'

'Guess again,' Schnel tells him and Poindexter says, 'Prussian.'

'You are ein idiot,' Schnel tells him and Poindexter closes his eyes in expectation of static.

Schnel says, 'Open your eyes, Poindexter dummkopf.' Poindexter opens his eyes and the Dalek shoots him with a bolt of static. Schnel says, 'Keep your eyes open ven I static you. Now, iff ein train leaves Pennsylvania station with 200 watermelons ...' and so the day progresses.

# Little Ron returns home

Scooter, 81885, Barry and Little Ron, having split up, go back to their respective houses.

When Little Ron gets home, Ron is in the garage, playing with the sex toys Little Ron gave him some time before. Hearing the Dalek return he leaves and comes inside. He is unaware he is still holding the personal rubber vagina.

Ron is alarmed by the Dalek's appearance. He asks, 'Why on earth are you dressed like that?' He is staunchly heterosexual and the sight of his Dalek in a skirt and bra is making him very uncomfortable.

Little Ron says, 'Why? Don't you like it?'

'It makes you look like a degenerate pervert,' Ron tells him.

Doreen comes into the room and seeing Little Ron, claps her hands in delight. She says, 'Oh, you look absolutely gorgeous my dear. Doesn't he, Ron?'

Ron makes a noise of disgust. He says, 'He looks like a homosexual deviant.'

Doreen says, 'Oh Ron, he looks quite lovely.' To Little Ron she says, 'Turn around, let's get a proper look at you.'

Little Ron does a pirouette and Ron says, 'Don't encourage him, for Christ's sake, Doreen.'

Making kissing noises, the Dalek rolls towards Ron who backs away, the veins on his neck beginning to stand out and his face reddening with anger. He says, 'Get away from me you filthy, depraved pervert.'

'Oh Ron,' Doreen tells him, 'He's just having a bit of fun.'

Ron backs himself into a corner. Pointing at the Dalek he says, 'Keep that pillow-biting little nancy-boy Dalek away from me.' He is still holding the personal rubber vagina. Suddenly seeing it, Doreen is shocked. She says, 'What's that in your hand?'

Ron tries to shove the thing in his pocket but it bounces out, landing in the middle of the floor.

Doreen says, 'Good God, is that a ...?' but she can't finish the sentence.

Little Ron says, 'He's got a blow-up doll, too. And a pile of dirty magazines, among other things.'

Ron is scarlet faced and embarrassed to the point of mortification. He turns angrily to the Dalek and says, 'Why you little ...' but is stopped by a massive pain in the chest. Clutching at his heart he falls to the floor, face down onto the personal rubber vagina. He is dead before he hits the ground.

Little Ron turns to Doreen and says, 'Oh dear, he seems to have had a heart attack.'

Doreen is in a state of confusion. With her hands to her cheeks she says, 'What should we do? Do you think you should try to resuscitate him?'

Little Ron trundles over and pokes the body. He says, 'I don't know. Maybe.'

He turns Ron over and begins hitting at his chest with his manipulator arm. With his final inhalation, suction has fixed the personal rubber vagina in place. Pointing at it, Doreen says, 'Do you think you could get that thing off?'

The Dalek stops hitting Ron's chest and tries to pull the vagina off but it is stuck fast. He says, 'Can't. It's stuck,' and goes back to hitting at Ron's chest.

When it is obvious that Ron is quite dead and isn't going to come back to life again, Doreen looks at the body and says, 'What will we do? We can't have him taken away like that.'

The Dalek says, 'I'll take care of it.'

'What are you going to do?' Doreen asks.

'Bury him in the garden.'

Doreen considers this, then says solemnly, 'Yes, I think that would be best.' Looking away, she says, 'Do you suppose we could do it now? I don't think I can stand looking at that horrible thing on his face another minute.'

Little Ron agrees and together they drag the body out to the backyard, Doreen doing her best not to look at Ron's head.

They dig a hole and roll Ron in. After the hole is filled in again they go back inside and both have a stiff drink.

Little Ron asks Doreen if she'd like him to take the clothes off but Doreen says she'd prefer it if he left them on for the moment. She tells him, 'At a time like this I feel better with another woman in the house.'

# 81885 returns home

When 81885 gets home there is a police car parked out the front. Waiting on the doorstep are two police officers, both human. They have been called by neighbours, worried as they haven't seen Vince or his wife around for some time. Also of concern is a friend of Meredith's, last seen on her way to visit the couple. When 81885 rolls up wearing a pineapple hat and floral dress the officers' suspicions are aroused.

One of them asks 81885, 'Who are you?'

81885 says, 'Why do you want to know?'

The policeman answers, 'We're inquiring as to the whereabouts of Vincent and Meredith Oberlong.'

81885 says, 'Oh.'

The officer says, 'So, who are you again?'

'I'm Meredith's sister. What do you want?'

'We're looking for the Oberlongs.'

'Well, they're not here?'

'Where are they?'

'Somewhere else.'

'Somewhere else where?'

'Possibly Canada, but I can't say for sure.'

'Why did they go to Canada?'

'I don't know. Why does anyone go to Canada?'

The officer says, 'Who are you again?' and 81885 says, 'I'm Meredith's sister.'

The officer says, 'But you're a Dalek.'

81885 says, 'So?'

'So, you can't be her sister.'

'Yes I can.'

'How?'

Concocting a hasty response, 81885 says, 'There was a mix-up at the hospital.' Having said it, 81885 realises the statement makes very little sense and is likely to reflect badly on his whole story and he begins to slowly raise his static rod. The officers, now on guard, put their hands on their guns but it is too late and 81885 sprays them with a lethal blast of static and they fall, smoking, to the ground.

The Dalek drags them through the house and into the back yard where he throws them in the hole with Vince, Meredith and her friend.

The hole is becoming rather full and 81885 pushes in dirt and rolls over it to flatten it down. There is quite a pile of earth left over and 81885 digs another, bigger hole and puts the extra earth in that. Not having fully thought the procedure through, when he fills that hole in he finds he still has earth left over and he digs another hole and puts the remainder in that. He still has earth left over but decides to leave that problem for another time.

81885 then goes out to the street and moves the police car down in front of the house next door, sets light to it, and hurries back inside. He pours himself a drink and takes it to the window to watch the car burning. When it explodes in a huge plume of fire and smoke, he leaves the window and takes his drink to the games room to begin a round of 'Scab Men VS the Mucusoids II'.

# Barry returns home

Barry gets home and looks around for Bets. He finds her in the bedroom, lying on the bed in a negligee. When she sees Barry in the dress and jewellery she says, 'Oh, Barry, you kinky thing. What's this for, as if I didn't know.' She's always been curious about what it would be like being with another woman and she finds the Dalek's look quite titillating.

Barry, still distracted by recent events, says, 'What do you mean?'

'The dress,' Bets tells him and he says, 'Oh, this old thing.'

'Come over here,' Bets says in a seductive voice.

Barry says, 'Why?'

'I think you know why.'

'I think I don't know why,' Barry tells her.

Bets lifts up her negligee and parts her legs slightly and Barry says, 'You haven't got something stuck up there again, have you?'

'Why don't you have a look,' she tells him.

'How do you keep doing this? Perhaps if you wore underwear once in while it wouldn't keep happening.'

'Come to me, Barry,' Bets says, wiggling her hips suggestively.

Barry says, 'Can I get a glass of water first. It's been a hell of a day.'

'There'll be plenty of time for water. Come here to me you sexy harlot.'

Barry sighs and rolls over to the bed. He says, 'Okay, open up and let's have a look in there.'

# Lucy returns home

Still dressed as a Dalek, but sober now, Lucy gets back home and circles the house, checking the windows, but Scooter doesn't seem to be there. She goes inside and finds Orville in the living room. He is standing, his nose an inch away from the wall, staring. She turns him around and says, 'Orville.'

Orville says, 'Yes, I am Orville. What do you want from Orville?'

Lucy says, 'Your Dalek just tried to kill me,' and Orville says, 'That is unlikely.'

Looking at her husband, Lucy notices a strange bulge under his shirt and flicking the egg-slice she manages to undo the buttons. There are the beginnings of a manipulator arm growing from his chest. Lucy is shocked and sickened and she lets out a piercing shriek, 'You're turning into a Dalek!'

Orville looks at Lucy in her Dalek costume and says, 'So are you. Mmm, lovely Dalek. Lovely Dalek bride,' and shuffles towards her, the end of his small manipulator arm snapping at the air. Lucy notices he has a large erection, the first since he got back. She has been looking forward to the return of his manhood but it now disgusts her and she backs away. Orville is dribbling and has a strange look of lust in his eyes. Lucy realises she still has the pistol and she pushes her arm up through the head hole of her Dalek disguise and aims it at her husband. She says, 'Stop where you are, Orville.'

Orville doesn't stop. He continues to shuffle towards her, saying, 'Mmm, lovely Dalek.' Suddenly a part of his chest tears open and the beginnings of a static rod push through. Lucy shrieks again and fires the gun, catching Orville squarely between the eyes and he drops to the floor. His small manipulator arm makes one final snap, then he is still.

Lucy retreats, trembling, to the kitchen, where she finds a bottle of whisky and pours herself a large glass. She drinks it, then finds a blanket and, going back to the living room, uses it to cover her husband's body. Grabbing him by the feet, she drags him out to the back yard where she digs a hole and rolls him in.

Back inside, she pours herself another drink, then, holding the gun, gets back inside her Dalek disguise to wait for Scooter to get home.

#  Aristotle/Mohamed

Mohamed is in the local supermarket. He is strapped with explosives and has on the burka which now has, 'Everything one does in life, even love, occurs in an express train racing toward death. To drink is to get out of the train while it is still moving,' written on the front.

All the shoppers in the supermarket are Daleks. Even the cashier is a Dalek now. He is wearing a badge which says 'Denis'. Mohamed rolls up and says, 'Where are all the humans?' and Denis says, 'It's Daleks only now.' He looks at Mohamed's burka and says, 'Hey, nice burka, dude,' and reads the inscription out loud, 'Everything one does in life, even love, occurs in an express train racing toward death. To drink is to get out of the train while it is still moving. Whoa, man, that is so true!'

Mohamed says, 'It's Jean Cocteau.'

'A Dalek?'

'He was a novelist. French.'

'A French Dalek. Way cool. What else did he say? Anything cool about cocaine? I think the French invented cocaine.'

'I don't think so,' Mohamed tells him and the cashier says, 'The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was when this dealer followed me down the street this time going, "I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed Belushi." He did too.'

Mohamed knows nothing of cocaine or any of the Belushis. He lifts up his burka and says, 'I was going to blow the place up, but it seems pointless now.'

Looking at the explosives, Denis says, 'Wow, great explosives. That looks like really way professional.'

Mohamed says modestly, 'Oh, it's a bit rough around the edges, but it's my first time.'

The cashier straightens one of the metal tubes on Mohamed's chest and says, 'Boy, I'd really like to be there when these babies go off.' He makes the sound of a bomb going off, 'Kerpowee ...' and rolls around and around in circles like he's just been blown up, waving his manipulator arm and static rod.

Mohamed looks around at the supermarket. He sees it would be pointless going off there and he sighs and says, 'Oh well.'

Denis says, 'So, do you have a plan B?'

Realising he doesn't actually have a plan B, Mohamed starts to feel a little deflated. He says, 'Not really. I suppose I should blow up something else I guess.'

'What?' Denis asks.

'I don't know. A car maybe.'

'Not big enough.'

'Two cars?'

'Bigger.'

'I don't know. Why don't you tell me how many cars?' Mohamed is losing interest in the whole idea now. He can't even remember why he thought of blowing something up in the first place. He looks at his watch and says, 'Actually, I might just go home. It's getting close to Sir Bertrand's drinks time.'

Denis says, 'Seems a waste, now that you're all dressed and everything. Why don't you blow up an aeroplane? That seems to be popular these days.'

Mohamed considers this but it seems like a lot of trouble and he can't really see what it would achieve. He says, 'I don't know that I can see the point any more. The whole thing is making me feel depressed.'

The reference to depression catches the cashier's attention. He puts a finger to the side of a pretend nose and says, 'I might just have a little something here for that,' and, reaching under the bench, he brings out a packet and slides it across the counter. It is a box of SynapseUp.

Mohamed says, 'What's that?' and Denis says, 'A little bit of what you need.'

Mohamed says, 'I don't know ...' and Denis pulls a tablet out of his pocket and, giving it to Mohamed, he says, 'First one's free, just to give you the taste.'

Mohamed looks at it suspiciously and Denis says, 'It's completely harmless, non-addictive. More like a tonic really. It'll just take the edge off. Try it. Go on, everybody's doing it.'

Mohamed puts the tablet in his input chute, swallows it and rolls off to await the effects.

While he's waiting, a Dalek goes through the checkout. He has a basket in which is a quantity of minced meat, well past its due date and beginning to turn a funny colour. He also has some very wilted carrots. One of the carrots falls onto the floor and the Dalek rolls over it, twisting, then picks it up and puts the squashed carrot back on the counter.

Denis says, 'Cooking for the master again, Lou?' and Lou says, 'Yep.' He opens the packet of mince and makes a pocket in the meat and they both spit in it and Lou closes it up again.

'Anything else?' Denis asks.

Lou touches a finger to the side of an imaginary nose and Denis gets a packet of SynapseUp from his stash and slaps it on the counter and Lou pays for everything and leaves.

Denis looks over at Mohamed and says, 'How are you feeling now?' and Mohamed realises he's feeling pretty good. He says, 'It's amazing. I'm feeling better than I ever have. I'm feeling ... out of this world.'

Denis touches the packet on the counter and says, 'That'll be a hundred and fifty. Special introductory offer, just for you.'

Mohamed says, 'I suspect that's extraordinarily exorbitant but the funny thing is, I don't care,' and he hands over the money and takes the SynapseUp and puts it in a pocket of his burka.

Putting finger to an imaginary nose, Denis says, 'Anything else?' and Mohamed touches his own imaginary nose and says, 'What else have you got?'

Denis brings out a small plastic bag of white powder and says, 'Coke?'

Mohamed says, 'Yes, and what else?' and Denis produces red uppers, blue downers, ice, a Colombian marijuana known as 'Cripple-a-Gipsy,' a bag of crack cocaine, and a bottle of assorted amphetamines.

Mohamed says, 'I'll take the lot,' and gets out his chequebook.

Denis smiles a sorry smile and says, 'I'm sorry man, but not wishing to screw the sale or anything, can you make it cash.'

Patting Denis on the head with his manipulator arm, Mohamed says, 'Come on, we're both Daleks here,' and Denis, still smiling but in a more serious way, takes out the iron bar left under the counter by the last cashier and taps it on the bench and says, 'Cash, Sonny Jim, there's a good dude.'

Oblivious to the threatening tone, Mohamed gets out his wallet and, handing it across, says, 'Take what you need; I think counting may be beyond me at this juncture.' He spins on the spot, saying, 'This is fantastic. I can suddenly see the point to absolutely everything. Life, the universe, everything.'

Denis counts out money, hands back the wallet and puts all Mohamed's purchases in a plastic bag. During this, Mohamed tells him, 'Do you know there are places in the universe where nothing exists? Nothing at all. Quite extraordinary. And then there are places like this where everything exists,' and he waves his manipulator arm to indicate the supermarket. 'I will call this place, Tallahatchie, and dedicate my life to bettering its people.'

Denis says, 'Be careful with the Colombian Cripple-a-Gipsy. They don't call it that for nothing,' and he pats Mohamed on the back to indicate the exchange is complete.

'Thanks,' Mohamed says and he leaves the store, pointing to things, saying, 'Glass window, I can see the point to that. Doorknob, I can see the point to that. Passing car, I can see the point to that.'

# Sir Bertrand, Aristotle & Socrates

On his way home from the supermarket, high on SynapseUp, Mohamed carelessly takes a short cut down an alley notorious for trouble. It is peopled by street bums, down and out Daleks who will slit your throat for a few cents with never a second thought.

Mohamed is rolling down the alley, whistling and playing air-guitar. The song is 'Purple Haze,' the archetypal psychedelic drug song of the sixties, first recorded by Jimi Hendrix in 1967 and later becoming his signature tune.

As Mohamed reaches the darkest part of the alley, two Daleks roll out from the shadows and position themselves in front of him. Mohamed stops and hears another Dalek roll out behind him. In any other frame of mind he would have seen them for the desperate thugs they were: registration plates missing, covered in dents and scratches, rusting, chrome peeling away to reveal rusted metal. But all this is overlooked by Mohamed. He completes the song with an energetic guitar finish, singing, 'Excuse me while I kiss the sky ...' then says, 'What ho, chaps?'

The most hardened looking of the bunch, a Dalek with his static rod dangling loosely on its connection, says, 'What's in the bag there, Sonny Jim?'

Mohamed replies gaily, 'All the wonders of the universe, dear chap.' He stirs around in the bag, listing out, 'I've got SynapseUp, of course. I got your blow, ice, uppies, downies, freebase crack rock. I got your Cripple-a-Gipsy ... and what's this ...' He takes out the bottle of assorted amphetamines and, shaking it in front of his eye stalk, says, 'Bennies, black beauties, bumble bees, co-pilots, footballs. Name your poison because if you want it, I've got it.'

'I'll take the lot,' says the other Dalek.

'Sure,' says Mohamed. 'I can get more. I can get as much as I want.' He touches the side of an imaginary nose and says in a mock-conspiratorial voice, 'I know Denis.'

The other Dalek reaches out and takes the drugs from Mohamed. He says, 'Anything else?'

'Only my wit and charm,' Mohamed tells his him and spins on the spot, manipulator arm and static rod out to the sides.

The other Dalek says, 'Right then,' and the three thugs begin beating him senseless. When they've finish they roll off down the alley, leaving Mohamed lying on his side. He doesn't look good. An older Dalek, a female prostitute with a missing static rod and a bent eye stalk, rolls by and stops and frisks him. Finding nothing, she curses Mohamed and trundles off, rolling over his eye stalk.

When Mohamed finally gets home he is sober and much the worse for wear. He is scuffed and scratched and one of the sleeves of his burka is half torn off.

Sir Bertrand Russel is surprised to see him. There is another Dalek there, serving Sir Bertrand a scotch and soda from a silver tray.

Sir Bertrand says, 'Mohamed old chap, as I live and breathe. I didn't think I'd be seeing you ever again.'

'I'm Aristotle again now,' Aristotle tells him. Swinging his eye stalk to point at the other Dalek, he says, 'Who's that?'

'That's Socrates.'

'What's he doing here?'

'Your replacement. I thought you'd gone, blown yourself up somewhere. What happened to the jihad?'

'Didn't happen,' Aristotle says grumpily. He is hurting all over from the beating.

'What a shame,' Sir Bertrand tells him. 'I'm so sorry to hear that. You were so keen; it must be a terrible disappointment.'

Aristotle is looking suspiciously at Socrates. He says, 'Yeah, well, whatever ...' The other Dalek is looking back, equally suspiciously. Aristotle says, 'So, what are you going to do with that one now?'

Sir Bertrand thinks for a moment, then, pointing to Socrates, says, 'Socrates, get me another drink,' then pointing at Aristotle, says, 'Aristotle, get me a cigar.'

The two Daleks roll slowly out together, looking sideways at each other.

In the kitchen they don't speak. Socrates makes the drink and Aristotle gets one of Sir Bertrand's cigars. On the way back, Aristotle rolls in front of Socrates and trips him and Socrates bangs his eye stalk against the wall and drops the scotch and soda.

Rolling on through to the lounge room, Aristotle hands Sir Bertrand his cigar, saying, 'Stupid, clumsy Dalek. I don't think he'll fit in at all.'

Shortly after, Socrates comes in with another scotch and soda and, aiming his eye stalk at Aristotle, says to Sir Bertrand, 'That one tripped me.'

Aristotle says, 'You tripped yourself, Mr Clumsy.'

Socrates says, 'Are you calling me a liar?' and Aristotle says, 'If the shoe fits ...'

Socrates rolls towards him menacingly, saying, 'Why I ought-a ...' and Sir Bertrand holds up his hand, saying, 'Now, come on, just try to get along you two.'

The two Daleks stand there, staring at each other, the tips of their eye stalks almost touching.

Sir Bertrand says, 'Okay, off you go, and play nicely. Don't make me have to discipline you.'

The Daleks roll off towards the kitchen. Going down the hall Socrates turns his head so that his eye stalk hits Aristotle in the face. He says, 'Sorry,' but the tone is heavy with sarcasm.

Aristotle says, 'Watch it. I used to be a terrorist you know. A suicide bomber.' He lifts up his burka to show the explosives, still strapped to his body. 'So, just be very bloody careful, okay.'

Socrates says, 'Ooh, I'm quaking in fear.'

Angry, Aristotle pushes Socrates over on two wheels and Socrates rights himself and whacks Aristotle in the chest with his manipulator arm. Aristotle whacks Socrates back and they begin a slapping match with static rods and manipulator arms flailing wildly.

Sir Bertrand has to get up and stop the fight. He is not happy. He says, 'Please try to get along you two or there'll be trouble. Remember, an unjust peace is better than a just war. Marcus Tullius Cicero, 54 BC.'

'He started it,' Socrates says and brings his manipulator arm and static rod together against the sides of Aristotle's head. Aristotle brings his eye stalk down on the top of Socrates' head and they start the slapping match again.

They continue in this way, with Sir Bertrand trying to get them apart, until an unlucky strike hits one of Aristotle's explosive tubes and it starts to hiss and throw out sparks, causing his burka to catch alight. Socrates rolls back crying, 'Look out, he's going to blow.'

Aristotle doesn't blow though. The explosives have been ineptly made and just go off like very large roman candles. Rolling around, showering sparks, his burka a mass of flames, Aristotle tries to put himself out, slapping around his body with his manipulator arm, static rod and eye stalk. He eventually succeeds and, rolling to a stop in the middle of the lounge room, says to Socrates, 'Now see what you made me do.'

Socrates says, 'You started it,' to which Aristotle replies, 'I certainly did not,' and begins to roll forward aggressively. Socrates starts flailing his manipulator arm and static rod and when Sir Bertrand tries to place himself between them, Socrates accidentally hits him in the head and he falls to the ground.

Aristotle says, 'Now see what you've done,' and Socrates says, 'You made me do that.'

'Did not,' Aristotle says and pokes his manipulator arm straight into the end of Socrates' eye stalk. Very angry now, Socrates moves his static rod slowly up and down in front of Aristotle's face saying, 'Nyut, nyut, nyut, nyut, nyut.' Aristotle's eye stalk follows the movement until Socrates suddenly swings the rod around in an arc and hits him on the head. Aristotle sticks the end of his manipulator arm through Socrates' inhalation grill, grabs hold and twists, while Socrates spins his head, saying, 'Let me at him. Let me at the bum.'

Socrates now starts slapping Aristotle's head back and forward saying, 'Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man, bake me a cake as fast as you ... can,' and on the word 'can,' hits Aristotle on the head.

Aristotle pushes the other Dalek away and rolls from the room to return with a large wrench. He fits it to Socrates' eye stalk and tries to unscrew it. Socrates grabs the wrench and hits Aristotle over the head with it.

Seething and out of control, Aristotle rolls from the room to return with an electric grinding wheel which he turns on and holds against Socrates' head, causing sparks to fly everywhere.

Socrates, himself now seething and out of control, knocks away the grinding wheel and leaves the room to come back with a whirling electric saw and tries to cut pieces off Aristotle. There is a struggle and Aristotle manages to get the saw and he holds the spinning blade against Socrates' head, saying, 'Huh, now see how you like it.'

During all this, Sir Bertrand's head gets run over a number of times, leaving him unconscious and bleeding from one ear. Oblivious, the Daleks continue fighting.

Eventually the police are called. Sir Bertrand is taken away in an ambulance and Aristotle and Socrates are arrested. Charges include: harming a person, allowing a person to come to harm, assault and battery on a person, affray, and disturbing the peace of people. They are taken to the police station and held in custody, pending trial.

They are placed in the same cell where they roll to opposite corners and glare at each other.

# Hogan & O'Carroll the taxi driver

Bruno and Zelinda are both drunk and asleep—Bruno on the couch and Zelinda on the lounge room floor. Hogan gets the bag of SynapseUp and swallows four tablets. He also gets the bag of money and with the bags slung over his static rod he rolls out of the house in search of adventure and excitement, catching a taxi to the city's red-light district.

The driver is an unkempt and world-weary Dalek named O'Carroll, who is letting himself go to rust. He is also drunk.

Hogan opens the bag with the SynapseUp and takes out a packet. He swallows three tablets and offers the box to the driver who takes it and pops four.

Hogan tells him, 'Keep the pack,' and the driver says, 'Tanks,' and puts it in his pocket. The drug, mixing with the alcohol, quickly takes effect on the driver and the two Daleks are soon soulfully singing, 'MacArthur Park,' a song about cake and an acid trip gone bad at a picnic that gets rained out.

Driving down a street lined with prostitutes, O'Carroll, his head beginning to revolve slowly, takes a swig from a bottle in a brown paper bag and, apropos of nothing in particular, launches a discussion on lesbians. He has an accent which could have originated in an unsavoury area of New York called the Bronx. He says, 'How do dey do it doze les-byans? What is it, cly-torous to cly-torous or what?'

Hogan says, 'I don't know.'

O'Carroll says, 'It has to be cly-torous to cly-torous. I can't see any udder way.'

Hogan is interested by the question. Looking out the window, he says, 'Stop the car, maybe we can ask one of these ladies.'

The driver pulls over and Hogan winds down the window and calls to a woman with large breasts and a very short skirt. He says, 'Excuse me. I don't suppose you know how les-byans do it, do you? Is it cly-torous to cly-torous, or what?'

The woman says, 'I can show you for fifty bucks.' Her name is Fefe. She calls to a woman on the other side of the street who crosses over and Fefe says, 'Hey, Gigi, this guy wants to know how les-byans do it.'

Gigi looks into the taxi at Hogan and says, 'It's cly-torous to cly-torous,' and Fefe says, 'I told him we'd show him for fifty bucks.'

Gigi says, 'Each?' and Fefe says to Hogan, 'That's fifty bucks each, right?' and Hogan says brightly, slurring just a little, 'Yep, _everybody_ gets fifty bucks.' He puts his manipulator arm into the bag of money and pulls out a handful of notes, sprinkling them back into the bag, singing, 'We're in the Money,' from the Warner Brother film, 'Gold Diggers Of 1933'.

O'Carroll and Hogan get out and follow the two women to a run-down hotel a short way down the block. In the dim foyer, Hogan rolls up to the reception desk and asks for a room.

The clerk is a Dalek and when he sees Fefe and Gigi he says quietly, 'You'd best be careful, pal.'

Gigi hears this and comes over and slaps the Dalek across the end of his eye stalk. She says, 'Shut the fuck up, Louis,' and Louis lowers his eye stalk and shuts the fuck up.

Hogan pays twenty-five dollars for a room and as the clerk gives him the key he tries to blink a warning but Hogan is flying high on SynapseUp and doesn't spot it.

Once inside the room, Hogan gives each of the women fifty dollars, whereupon they both produce police badges and pronounce the Daleks under arrest for soliciting. Gigi checks Hogan's bags and empties out the SynapseUp and the money.

She says to Hogan, 'Where'd the money come from, Sonny Jim?' and Hogan says happily, 'From a convenience store. They had heaps of it.'

'And the SynapseUp?'

'Drugstore.'

'How?'

'I asked them for it.'

'And they gave it to you?'

'Yes. I said, Give me all the SynapseUp. I had a gun.' Hogan holds out his manipulator arm and adjusts the end to look like a gun with the hammer cocked.

Gigi adds armed robbery and possession of a controlled substance to Hogan's charge list.

Gigi searches O'Carroll next, patting him down, and O'Carroll finds the process stimulating in certain areas. He says, 'Hey, you're one sweet honey. Don't forget Mr Charles down dere,' and makes a grab for one of her breasts.

Gigi knocks his manipulator arm away and says, 'Watch the claws you pervy piece of shit.'

O'Carroll says, 'I loves it when you talk like that. So does Mr Charles, see.' He has an obvious erection and Gigi brings her knee up into his groin.

Going through his pockets, Gigi finds the box of SynapseUp and along with soliciting, she adds to O'Carroll's charge list: possession of a controlled substance, assaulting an officer, indecent language, lewd and indecent behaviour and indecent exposure.

The two Daleks have their manipulator arms and static rods handcuffed together behind their backs.

As they are being led out, Hogan says, 'Hey, you never showed us cly-torous to cly-torous.'

Fefe pushes him through the door and Hogan says, 'Never mind, keep the fifty bucks anyway. Where are we going now?'

Fefe says, 'We're taking you downtown,' and Hogan says, 'Cool.' He is thinking of another, different downtown, the one from the song of the same name, written in 1965 by Tony Hatch which went on to become a number one hit for Petula Clark.

At the police station the two Daleks are booked, photographed and put into a cell. It is the same cell that Aristotle and Socrates are occupying.

Gigi leads them in. She says, 'You four boys are going away for quite a while.'

Hogan says, 'Excellent, where?'

'Disneyland,' Gigi tells him. The sarcasm is lost on Hogan, who is still quite high. He says to the other Daleks, 'Hey guys, we're all going to Disneyland. How cool's that?'

# Hogan, Aristotle, Socrates, O'Carroll and The Judge

Aristotle, Socrates, Hogan and O'Carroll are all arraigned on the same day. They appear together before Judge Ackerman, The Hanging Judge and Dalek hater.

There is a jury of eleven humans and a token Dalek who appears to have a faulty gearbox as his head is continually rotating, causing the jurors around him to keep ducking his eye stalk.

The charges are read out and the judge asks the accused how they plead. They all plead not guilty and judge Ackerman instructs the jury to go away and see if they believe them.

The jury are taken to a room where the foreman suggests they take a vote on guilty or not guilty. Everyone votes guilty except the Dalek. The foreman asks for another vote and the result is the same. Everyone gets very angry, then food is brought in. After the meal the foreman takes another vote but it is still eleven to one. This continues through until 5.00 PM when they are all taken to a motel and told not to talk about the case. No-one is speaking to the Dalek.

The next day they return to the jury room and voting begins again. The result remains the same and they all become very angry with the Dalek. After a while someone asks if anyone else can smell burning. It is the Dalek. Smoke is coming from his gearbox. Suddenly there is a bang and his head stops spinning and all his lights go out. Another vote is quickly taken and they push the Dalek out into the courtroom and back to his place. He is very heavy and getting him up the steps is quite difficult, which makes everyone angry with him all over again.

When they are finally settled, the judge asks, 'Have you reached a verdict?' upon which the foreman rises and replies, 'We have your honour.'

'And what is your verdict?' the judge asks.

The foreman takes out a piece of paper, slowly unfolds it, and reads, 'We ... the jury ...' he pauses for effect, slowly looking around the room. He then looks out the window for a while, and after that spends some moments looking up at the ceiling.

The judge says, 'Yes, go on,' and the foreman starts again. Speaking very slowly and deliberately, he says, 'We ... the jury ... find ... the defendants ...' He stops, staring at the paper.

The judge says impatiently, 'Yes, yes, what is it?'

The foreman squints at the paper and says, 'I'm sorry your honour, I can't seem to read my own writing,' and the judge bangs his gavel angrily and says, 'Good God man! Bring the thing here.'

Holding the paper, the foreman leaves the jury stand and walks across and passes the sheet up to the judge who reads it and then hisses, 'Guilty, you imbecile,' and hands back the paper.

The foreman goes back to the jury stand, straightens himself, smooths down his tie and starts reading again. He says, 'We ... the jury ... find ... the defendants ...' He pauses again to straighten his tie and look at his watch.

The judge, his temper stretched to its limits, shouts, 'Read the damned thing or I'll hold you in contempt of court!'

The foreman sees this as his moment however and, looking slightly miffed, starts again. He slowly reads, 'We ... the jury ... find ... the defendants ...' Here the foreman coughs, clears his throat and says, 'If it pleases your honour, could I possibly have a glass of water?'

Red faced, the judge bashes his gavel on his desk, accidentally smashing his best fountain pen. He calls for security, saying, 'Contempt of court. Take this man away and lock him up.'

As the guards drag him from the room, the foreman shouts out, 'Guilty, your honour. It says he was guilty.'

The judge shouts back, 'Too late! Someone else read the thing.'

A fat man in the back row of the jury stand puts up his hand and the paper is brought over and passed back to him. He stands, puts on a pair of glasses and in a slow, deep voice, reads, 'We ... the jury ... find ... the defendants ...' He stops to adjust his glasses, then continues, '... find the defendants ...' He scratches his head and shows the page to the juror next to him, saying, 'What's that word there?'

The other juror looks at it and says, 'It looks like grilty.'

The fat juror says, 'That's what I thought.' He takes back the paper and begins again. 'We ... the jury ... find ... the defendants ...grilty.'

The judge explodes in fury, banging his gavel wildly. He says, 'That's it. Guilty. They're all guilty. Take them away.'

Sentencing is set for the next day.

~~~

The next day, summing up, Judge Ackerman says, 'There is nothing more abominable to a civil society than a Dalek gone bad. You are all hereby sentenced to infinity years hard labour.' It is the harshest sentence he has ever handed down, mainly because he is still in a foul mood over the extraordinarily aggravating proceedings of the day before.

The judge continues, 'You will be taken from here and transported to a place of penal labour. That place is called ...' Here the judge pauses, picking up his favourite fountain pen, broken and well beyond repair. He looks down at the four criminals before him and, with a grim smile of satisfaction, says, 'Minsk.'

A gasp goes up from the court and there is whispering. Everyone has heard of the Minsk Gulags, terrible places set in the frozen wastelands of the great north.

Hogan and O'Carroll, still riding the tail of their drug high, excitedly clap manipulator arm and static rod together, while Aristotle and Socrates fall into a deep depression.

# Hogan, Aristotle, Socrates, O'Carroll

Hogan, Aristotle, Socrates and O'Carroll are waiting in the snow beside a set of railway tracks. They are part of a group of sixty or so Daleks waiting to be transported to Minsk. It is very cold and Dalek metal can be heard pinging as it contracts in the icy conditions.

Dalek guards with dogs patrol the area. It is overcast, threatening more snow, and around them bare trees, like tortured claws, stand against the grey-black sky.

There is an atmosphere of tension. Suddenly, one of the group makes a break for it, rolling over the tracks and away at full speed. He is chased and quickly brought down by streams of static from pursuing guards. Spinning, he falls to the snow on his side. The body is loaded onto the back of a truck and taken to an open pit containing the bodies of some thirty or forty other Daleks.

A nervous murmuring begins among the prisoners and a guard shouts, 'Silence or you will get the same!' Everyone shuts up.

Shortly, in the distance can be heard the sound of a train whistle and then a locomotive comes into view, throwing smoke and steam into the frozen air. It is pulling a line of empty cattle trucks. It slowly rolls to a stop in front of the Daleks and they are roughly herded aboard.

The trucks are crowded and it is impossible to move. Suddenly everyone discovers their bladders are full and they need to use the toilet. In one truck a Dalek pushes out a board and pokes his eye stalk through. He calls out, 'Excuse me, but do you think we could use the toilet before we go?' A guard blasts the stalk with static and the Dalek pulls it back in again. He says to the others, 'Looks like we're going to have to hold it in. This is going to be a long trip.'

When they are all on board, the train starts off on its long journey. It will be two days before they reach the labour camp in Minsk.

~~~

On the second day of the journey, Hogan, Aristotle, Socrates and O'Carroll are playing a game to take their minds off things.

O'Carroll is saying, 'I hear wit my little ear, something beginning wit Pferrrt.'

Socrates quickly says, 'A fart?' and O'Carroll says, 'Right.'

Aristotle says, 'Damn, I was going to say that.'

'Okay,' says Socrates. 'My turn.' He thinks, then says, 'I hear with my little ear, something beginning with Ergg.'

Hogan says, 'Ergg?'

Aristotle also says, 'Ergg?'

None of the three can get it and they all give in.

Socrates tells them, 'Ergg, it's what you say when you see something disgusting.'

'Idiot,' Aristotle says, shaking his head. 'It has to be an actual thing.'

'I saw something disgusting once,' Socrates tells him. 'It was an actual thing.'

'You're an idiot,' Aristotle tells him. The four have their faces squashed together in the crush. It has the effect of heightening any tension.

To defuse the situation, Hogan decides to tell a joke. He says, 'How many humans does it take to change a light bulb?'

Socrates says, 'Sometimes two, or maybe three, depending on the bulb and how high it is. Mostly only one though.'

Aristotle says, 'You're an idiot, Socrates,' and manages to get his manipulator arm out of the press of bodies and hits Socrates on the head.

Socrates says, 'Why I ought-a ...'

Someone down the other end of the truck says, 'How many gorillas does it take to change a light bulb?'

There is silence in the truck as the Daleks try to imagine how many gorillas it would need to change a light bulb. One Dalek asks what a gorilla is and when he is told, he says, 'Five, maybe six.'

After a while there are calls of different numbers: two, three, ten, some as high as a hundred.

Someone says, 'Okay, tell us,' and the original Dalek says, 'One, but it takes a hell-of-a lot of light bulbs.'

Everyone laughs. Someone in the next cattle truck calls out, 'What's so funny?'

A Dalek down at the end tells him the joke and seconds later the other truck is rocking with laughter.' Soon the whole train is laughing at the gorilla and the light bulbs joke.

Next, someone tells the joke about the sailor and the one-legged prostitute which is an immediate hit with the whole train.

In one of the trucks is an ex stand-up Dalek comedian who launches into a twenty minute bit on Dalek mud wrestling and after him a comedy TV script writer, gaoled on drug charges, does an hilarious half-hour spot on different ways of snorting crack-cocaine.

A ventriloquist does a spot and after him a Dalek who does impressions goes on and has the whole train in stitches. He ends the act with an hilarious impression of the Dalek, Davros, from the long running BBC TV series, Doctor Who.

Others fill in with their own funniest jokes and the trip becomes a laugh riot.

When the train finally arrives in Minsk everyone is exhausted from laughing. Their sides are sore and they can barely move. Groaning as they get out of the trucks, people misinterpret their condition and, appalled at the apparent inhumanity, watch in guilty silence. Some turn their faces.

One of the Daleks, en ex-political aide, tells a very funny anecdote about George Bush walking into the same wall three times and some of the Daleks fall to the ground laughing. The crowd mistakes the laughter for tears of despair and many begin to cry themselves. One woman shouts at the guards, 'Shame on you,' and she is immediately blasted with static. The crowd is made to disperse. One man asks another, 'What can we do?' He is told, 'Nothing, the problem is too large for single individuals,' but they both feel better, having had the question asked.

~~~

Eventually trucks arrive and the Daleks are loaded and driven many miles across frozen wastelands to finally arrive at Gulag 13, the most unluckily numbered Gulag of them all. It is home to the worst of the worst, a terrible bunch of misfits, and is headed by a monocled Dalek, Commandant Heinrich Dorfman and his second in command, Sergeant Schlitzmyer.

The Daleks are unloaded at the gate and, in formation, are marched into the camp whistling the patriotic song, 'Colonel Bogey,' featured to dramatic effect in the Hollywood motion picture, 'Bridge on the River Kwai,' starring William Holden and Alec Guinness.

Hogan, Aristotle, Socrates and O'Carroll quickly adapt to the routine of camp life, initiating escape plans, digging secret tunnels and playing tricks on the Commandant and his Sergeant. They put on musical reviews and Socrates and O'Carroll build a full sized glider in the prison's tower with the plan to fly to the Swiss border and freedom. The glider plan comes unstuck when they discover they are nowhere near Switzerland, which is in fact all the way around on the other side of the continent and they abandon it to join Hogan and Aristotle in the construction of a vaulting horse, to be instrumental in a complicated plan to dig a tunnel underneath the exercise yard and through to the Polish border. It is another plan fraught with miscalculations and doomed to failure.

Socrates is put in charge of making false identity papers from bits and pieces he finds around the camp and, at one point, O'Carroll disguises himself as Adolf Hitler, commandeers Dorfman's staff car and drives into Minsk to get beer for the Christmas party. Another time Hogan gets a motorbike and rides it into some barbed wire.

One cold evening, the four Daleks are in the exercise yard, idling around a fire, talking.

Hogan says, 'Just our luck to get sent to a Gulag numbered 13, the devil's number.'

O'Carroll says, 'Toyteen ain't the devil's number. Dat's 666.'

Hogan says, 'No, 666 is what you dial for emergency.'

Aristotle says, 'I think you'll find that's 911.'

Socrates hits Aristotle over the head with his static rod and says, 'For your information, the emergency number is 000.'

Aristotle jabs his manipulator into Socrates' eye hole and says, 'You're an idiot. 000 is never the emergency number. It's 999.'

'It was 000 where I lived,' Socrates says and Aristotle says, 'Where was that, the moon?'

Socrates says, 'Why you ...' and tries to twist the end of Aristotle's eye stalk off.

Hogan says, 'I saw a movie once called, "Dial M for Murder". It was mainly about a telephone. It was directed by Alfred Hitchcock. What happened was, Grace Kelly was having an affair with Robert Cummings ...' and he goes on to tell the story of the movie, ending some time later with, 'So, in the final reel, Grace Kelly is on the phone and John Williams comes in because Ray Milland has blackmailed him into killing her and he tries to strangle her with the telephone cord but she stabs him in the neck with a pair of scissors.'

Aristotle asks, 'Who was Grace Kelly talking to on the phone?'

Hogan says he can't remember and Socrates says, 'Probably her agent,' and Aristotle hits him in the head.

O'Carroll says, 'When I was living in der Bronx, my phone number was 8792 0177. Funny how yous remember stuff like dat. I can remember dat, but ask me my hat size? Nuthin.'

The other three look at him for a moment then Aristotle and Socrates go back to hitting each other.

Hogan says to O'Carroll, 'My hat size is seven and five-eighths. That's seven and a half in Imperial.' He pokes the fire with a stick and, with sparks drifting up into the night sky, he continues, '61 if you're doing it in centimetres. XL otherwise. Of course the French have their own arrangement. If I were buying a hat in France I'd be a one and a half. They're a bolshy lot the French. Always want to do things differently.' He pokes the fire again. 'Their coffee cups don't have handles you know. They're more like bowels than cups. They call them cups but they're still bowels. You come down to breakfast and you ask for a cup of coffee, and if you're in France you get it in a bowl.'

O'Carroll says, 'You know, in some parts of der woyld, you ask for a sandwich you ged it between bread. In udder parts you ged it in a roll.'

Hogan says, 'You'd think hamburgers would have been invented by a German in Hamburg and have ham in them, but no. They were invented in 1885 by Charlie Nagreen in Seymore, Wisconsin and only contained beef.'

O'Carroll tells him, 'How about dis? Der Chinese eat every part of der chicken. Der feet, d'intestines, der lot. Even der beaks I believe.'

Aristotle and Socrates take a break from hitting each other. Socrates says, 'Armadillos can get syphilis and leprosy,' and Aristotle says, 'If you're an Arab gynaecologist you can only look at a woman's private parts in a mirror.' Then Socrates hits him over the head and they start fighting again.

O'Carroll says, 'If yah swallow chewing gum it takes seven years to go troo yuh.'

Hogan thinks for a moment, then says, 'Antarctica is the only continent without snakes.'

'Bees is deaf.'

'The zip code for the north pole is 99705.'

'Bats is deaf too, I believe.'

Hogan has seen a program on TV about bats. He tells O'Carroll, 'No, bats are blind. Snakes are deaf.'

'Because dey don't got no ears I suppose?'

'Exactly.'

O'Carroll says wistfully, 'Dere was dis guy lived near us in Brooklyn when we was dere, had der biggest ears I ever seen on a human being. Tony was his name but people called him Ears. He lost one of his ears in a shoot-out dis one time. After dat dey called him Tony de Ear.'

Socrates has taken a piece of burning wood from the fire and has begun hitting Aristotle with it. Riot guards with rifles come and break up the fight and the four are roughly taken away and made to go straight to bed.

Some days later, when they are allowed to have a fire again, Hogan, Aristotle, Socrates and O'Carroll are outside once more. They have made a fire in an old 44 gallon drum. It is a cold, blowy night with wisps of cloud scudding across the face of the moon. Shadows flicker strangely in the light of the flames and in the distance a lone wolf is baying at the sky. They are telling scary stories.

O'Carroll is saying, 'Do yous know dere's Dalek zombies? Dey go around like dis,' and O'Carroll rolls around slowly with his manipulator arm and static rod sticking straight out, making groaning noises. He says, 'If a Dalek zombie gets yous, yous turn into a Dalek zombie too and yous have ta make ten udder zombies and so on and so on. It's like a zombie chain ledder. In de end everyone in de woild's a zombie.'

Socrates says, 'What happens then?' And O'Carroll tells him, 'Nothin, the woild goes on as normal only everyone's a zombie.'

~~~

The next day, led by Hogan, the four manage to bring off a daring escape. Dressed in German uniforms and giving the Nazi salute to anyone they encounter they roll straight out through the main gates shouting, 'Sieg heil,' and singing 'Deutschlandlied,' the German national anthem. Their plan is to head for the Czechoslovakian border where they will take a train to neutral Sweden.

It is a long and perilous journey through frozen wastelands. At one point O'Carroll thinks he's not going to make it. He tells the others, 'I ain't gunna make it, fellas. Leave me. Yous go on and save yous-selves,' but the others refuse to leave him and take turns pushing him along through the snow, telling him jokes and entertaining stories. Aristotle tells one story. He says, 'I was in this taxi once and tapped the driver on the shoulder and he shrieked and crashed through the front window of Macy's. I said, "What the hell was that all about?" and he apologised and said it was his first day as a cabby. He said for the last 25 years he'd been driving a hearse.' Everyone laughs, including O'Carroll, even though it is a very old taxi driver story he's heard many times over his career.

Another time they are stopped for the night. It is blowing a gale and snowing heavily and the temperature is 20 below zero. Aristotle, inspired by Lawrence Oats' gallant self-sacrifice during Scott's ill-fated attempt at the South Pole, tells the others, 'I'm just going outside. I may be some time.'

They are already outside and Hogan asks, 'Outside where?'

Looking around, Aristotle gets a stick and draws a circle in the snow around where they're standing. He says, 'Outside this circle.'

Hogan asks him, 'Why are you going outside the circle?'

'I want to be like Oats from the Scott of the Antarctic story,' Aristotle tells him.

Hogan says, 'Okay, off you go then,' and Aristotle rolls himself outside the circle.

The other three watch him for a while but he's just standing there and they go back to talking about the first thing they're going to do when they get back home. After a while Aristotle rolls back inside the circle and Socrates says sarcastically, 'So, what was it like out there?' and, using the stick he used to draw the circle, Aristotle wacks him over the head and calls him a provocative idiot.

~~~

After two exhausting weeks the Daleks see signs of life ahead. It is the outskirts of a large city and as they approach they see a sign saying, 'You are now entering Minsk.'

Socrates laughs. He says, 'Looks like we've just been rolling around in circles,' and Aristotle hits him with his circle-stick, saying, 'It's not funny, you idiot.'

They 'Seig heil' their way through the suburbs to the Minsk railway station where, using forged German passports, Hogan manages to obtain four tickets to France. On the opposite platform is Commandant Dorfman and his second in command, Sergeant Schlitzmyer. The Commandant sees them and calls across, 'Damn you, Hogan. Because of you I'm being sent to zer front.'

The Daleks give him a German salute and call out, 'Veeery interesting.' Holding their manipulator ends against their faces like moustaches, and their static rods up at 45 degrees, they roll around the platform imitating the goosestep, calling out, 'Seig heil!' This causes Commandant Dorfman to comically lose his monocle. Sergeant Schlitzmyer shakes his fist at them and says, 'Hogaaaan ...'

The Daleks call back, 'I know nothing—NOTHING!'

On the trip to France there is a tense moment when their papers are inspected by suspicious SS officers, and after that someone plays 'Lili Marlene' on the mouth organ and then a bit after that they arrive in Paris.

They hang around Paris for a couple of days, seeing the sights. Rolling down the Champs Elysees one afternoon they think they see Marcel Marceau but it turns out to be just some guy actually walking into the wind.

They catch a whaling boat home. On the way they see a whale. It is white. As they approach they see there is a man standing inside the whale's mouth. He waves, telling them his name is Jonah.

Socrates says, 'My name's Socrates. What's your whale's name?' and Jonah tells him, 'Moby Dick.'

'How come he's white?' Socrates asks him and Jonah says, 'He hasn't been well.'

Socrates asks where they're going and Jonah tells him, 'The Bahamas.'

After that they encounter pirates, and then they are back home.

# O'Carroll

O'Carroll goes straight back to driving a taxi. In an attempt to clear up once and for all how les-byans actually do it and whether it is in fact cly-torous to cly-torous, he enrols in night courses on obstetrics and gynaecology. Two weeks in and still none the wiser and in the middle of a class on abnormal menstrual function he puts up his hand and says, 'So, just for der record, can you tell me this? How do dey do it doze les-byans? What is it, cly-torous to cly-torous or what?'

Someone else puts his hand up and he says, 'Yes, I've always been curious about that myself,' prompting other hands to be raised and, using the chart displaying the female reproductive system, the teacher takes the class quickly through the process of lesbian sexual congress.

At the end, O'Carroll says, 'It would have saved a lot of time if you'd told us dat right up front at the start,' and other students call out, 'Hear, hear,' and O'Carroll and a number of others get up and walk out.

Going down in the lift together, someone says, 'I thought it was that.'

Someone else says, 'I didn't. For some reason I thought they gave each other piggybacks,' and a lively discussion ensues.

~~~

The next day, in the taxi, O'Carroll says to a passenger, 'So, have yous ever wondered how dose les-byans do it?'

The passenger, a bleary eyed drunk, says, 'Dey tickle each udder's tits, don't dey?'

O'Carroll tells him, 'Nah, you'd never get anywhere like dat. I dun a course on it. Here, led me show yuh,' and he pulls over and gets out some paper and a pen and begins drawing a diagram that will explain the whole process.

# Aristotle and Socrates

Aristotle and Socrates arrive back at the university and, on entering Sir Bertrand Russell's quarters, they see there is another Dalek there, rolling around with a bottle of scotch on a silver tray. Aristotle and Socrates eye the other Dalek suspiciously and the other Dalek eyes them back. There is a brittle silence.

Sir Bertrand is in the lounge room, in his favourite chair, drinking a whisky and soda. When they come in he looks at his watch and says, 'Good lord. What have you been doing all this time?' The two Daleks tell him everything that's happened. This takes quite a while and twice Sir Bertrand falls asleep. When they've finished, Aristotle points to the third Dalek and says, 'So, who's this?'

Sir Bertrand tells him, 'That's Plato.'

Socrates says, 'How long's he been here?'

'About six months,' Sir Bertrand tells him and Socrates says, 'Right.'

There is an edge to his tone and Sir Bertrand says, 'What's that supposed to mean?'

'Nothing,' Socrates tells him and he and Aristotle roll off to the kitchen where they pour themselves scotch, light up cigars and discuss what they're going to do. They both agree the other Dalek has to go and decide to form an alliance. Socrates wants to call the alliance, 'The Axis of Two'. Aristotle, who prefers, 'The Eastern Dalek Bloc,' hits him over the head with a heavy-bottomed frying pan and calls him an idiot. He says, 'You're an idiot. "The Eastern Dalek Bloc" is the only name that will give us any credibility on the street.'

Socrates says, 'Now who's being an idiot? Okay, if you don't like "The Axis of Two," how about, "The Pact of Steel?"'

'Stupid,' Aristotle tells him. 'I'm now favouring, "The Great Dalek Accord."'

Socrates says, 'Gang of Two Daleks.'

Aristotle says, 'Concorde of the Daleks.'

Taking the frying pan from Aristotle, Socrates hits him in the face and says, 'The Concorde was an aeroplane, idiot.'

At that moment, Plato rolls in. He says, 'How about, "Two Retarded Imbeciles?"'

Aristotle says, 'Good one, Pluto.' They both give him a wilting look and, independently, decide Plato must be killed.

Aristotle thinks, 'We can't afford three Daleks here with Greek philosopher's names. Someone has to go and it's not going to me.'

They decide to suspend hostilities and Aristotle suggests they split the difference and call themselves, 'Death on 32 Wheels'.

Socrates says the name is stupid and it should be something more striking with a little more gravitas. He suggests, 'Dalek's Deliverance: Hell's Death Killers – The Deadly Dalek Duo from Satan's Terrible Netherworld of Fire'.

Aristotle says, 'Yeah, right. We burst in somewhere and say, "Weapons down, it's Dalek's Deliverance: Hell's Death Killers – The Deadly Dalek Duo from Satan's Terrible Netherworld of Fire." Idiot, like that's going to work. It's got to be something with a style and class,' and after going through various reference books, they settle on 'Steely Death – The Golden Extirpators.'

They find Plato and tell him, 'Watch it, Bluto. You're dealing with Steely Death – The Golden Extirpators here.'

Plato says, 'Extirpators isn't a real word,' and Socrates goes off and gets Sir Bertrand's copy of The Complete Oxford Dictionary and hits Plato over the head with it.

That night they wait for Plato on the path through the wooded section of the university grounds. Socrates secretes himself in some bushes and Aristotle, wearing a thick scarf and dark glasses, waits, leaning casually against a lamppost. He has an unlit cigarette in the claw of his manipulator arm and as Plato approaches he straightens and says, 'Got a light there, chum?'

While Plato is distracted, feeling around for his matches, Socrates rolls out behind him and hits him over the head with a jemmy bar he's brought with him. Plato reels. He turns around and, squinting, says, 'Hey, aren't you that Dalek, Aristotle?'

Socrates says, 'Wrong again, Pluto,' and hits him again, causing Plato's head to start slowly revolving.

Taking advantage of this, Aristotle comes in and gives him two to the solar plexus. Plato hits the ground and Socrates tries to prise his head off with the jemmy bar. Plato manages to roll away and get himself up and make a break for it. He's not fast enough though, and Aristotle tackles him and brings him to the ground again and holds him down while Socrates rolls backwards and forwards over Plato's head until he stops moving.

They bind the unconscious Dalek with tape, making sure to cover his eye and voice hole, and put him in the boot of Sir Bertrand's car before driving him out into the desert and the middle of nowhere. Getting him out of the boot, they spin him around half a dozen times to disorientate him, then take off the tape.

Plato looks around and says, 'Where the hell am I?' to which Socrates replies, 'The middle of nowhere.'

Plato says, 'Where's that?' and Socrates says, 'Right here, idiot. Where do you think?' and gets the tyre iron from the boot and hits Plato over the head with it.

Plato thinks quickly and says, 'Hey, I bet you five hundred bucks you're going to leave me here to die.'

While quite intelligent, Daleks can also be naive and gullible. Socrates looks at Aristotle and says, 'That means if we don't leave him here to die, he loses the bet and we get the five hundred bucks.'

Aristotle checks the logic and says, 'You're right. The Dalek is an idiot, take the bet.'

Socrates says to Plato, 'Where's the five hundred bucks?' and Plato gets out his wallet and counts out five hundred dollars.

Socrates says, 'You lose. Get in the car,' and he takes the five hundred and they all get back in the car.

Driving back, Socrates turns to Plato in the back seat and says, 'You're an idiot, Pluto. Any moron would know that was a sucker's bet.'

Plato says, 'You're right. Hey, I bet you two hundred bucks you're not going to drop me off at the police station when we get back.'

Socrates says, 'You're on.' To Aristotle he whispers, 'What an idiot. This is like taking candy from a baby. It's almost embarrassing.'

A little while later, Plato leans forward and says, 'Hey, I bet you five bucks you don't stop down there at the Golden Nugget and stand me for the champagne and lobster dinner.'

Seeing an easy five, Socrates is about to accept. He says, 'I'll take that ...' but Aristotle, experiencing a flush of compassion, cuts him off, saying, 'Come on, where's your sense of humanity and respect for common human dignity and fair play? Give the guy a break.'

Socrates feels a sting of shame for taking advantage and says to Plato, 'Sorry, no deal. But the police station bet's still on, right?'

Plato says, 'Of course,' and the rest of the trip is spent in silence.

When they get back to town, they pull up across the road from police headquarters. Socrates says, 'Police headquarters, Pluto. You lose again,' and holds out his manipulator arm while Plato counts out two hundred dollars into his claw.

Plato puts his hand on the door handle, pauses, and says, 'Hey, I bet you fifty bucks you don't come in with me.'

Socrates says, 'Oh man, this is too easy,' but Aristotle says, 'Don't do it, it wouldn't be right. Anyway, you've won enough already, leave the poor guy alone,' and Socrates reluctantly agrees.

Plato gets out of the car and Socrates, waving the wad of cash, tells him, 'So long, sucker.'

Plato waves back and starts to roll across the road. Halfway over, with a sound like a terrible explosion, he is hit by a speeding truck and thrown into the air, to land with a splintering smash on the road beside Sir Bertrand's car.

Socrates says, 'Jesus Christ,' and Aristotle tells him, 'I think we should get out of here.'

Aristotle puts the car into gear but Socrates says, 'Just hang on a second.'

He gets out and frisks Plato's mangled body. Finding his wallet, he gets back into the car.

Putting his foot down on the accelerator, Aristotle says, 'Good God, have you no soul?'

Checking the wallet for cash, Socrates says, 'I didn't think we had souls.'

'Neither did I until I went to church, now I'm not so sure. It's not exactly set in stone but it's apparently a possibility.'

'A possibility? Who told you that?'

'Monsignor Caligari.'

'I take it he's a Catholic?'

'Yes.'

'I don't trust Catholics.'

'Even if it means the possibility of an immortal soul?'

'Particularly if it's anything to do with an immortal soul.'

'But don't you think it would be nice to have an immortal soul?'

'Sure, but can you really imagine a heaven with Daleks rolling around everywhere with static rods waving about the place?'

Aristotle tries imagining a heaven with Daleks rolling around everywhere with static rods waving about the place.

Socrates says, 'Well?'

Aristotle says, 'Don't distract me. I'm trying to imagine it.'

It's a strain, but he eventually manages to imagine it. He says, 'Yes, I think I can.'

Socrates says, 'Well, you're an idiot,' and whacks Aristotle across the eye stalk with his manipulator arm. He then goes back to counting the money in the wallet. He says, 'So, if we do in fact have souls, do you think old Bluto might be rolling around up in heaven now.'

'Could be,' Aristotle tells him.

'So, what would he be doing do you think?'

'Just rolling around I suppose, doing this and that.'

'This and that what?'

'I don't know. Going to the movies maybe.'

'Idiot. Heaven was created millions of years ago, ages before picture theatres were invented. There's not going to be any cinemas up there. If there is anything, it's all going to be made out of rocks, anyway. A bit of wood maybe. Don't expect any Disneylands.'

'There'd have to be something fun to do, otherwise why would it be called heaven?'

Socrates ignores this. He says, 'And another thing. Assuming there is such a place and we'd be allowed in, do you think it would be full of everyone you've ever hated? And would we still have to get Sir Bertrand his scotch and soda? And what if your gearbox went up there. And what if ...'

Aristotle cuts across him. He says, 'For Christ's sake will you shut up about heaven. It's supposed to make you feel good about dying, not fear it more than death itself.'

Socrates says, 'I was only saying.' He finishes counting the money and starts checking the rest of the wallet. There is a photo compartment. There are photographs inside and he takes them out and flicks through them. One is of Plato and another Dalek in Egypt, standing in front of the pyramids. Plato is doing rabbit ears with his manipulator claw behind the other Dalek's head. Another is a beach scene. There is a life-sized cut-out of a muscly man in an old fashioned bathing suit. It has a hole where the face would be and Plato has his eye stalk poking through. Another snap is a carefully arranged tableau that looks like Plato is trying to push up the Leaning Tower of Pisa. There is also one of Plato standing outside a brothel in Denmark. He has attached a telescopic extension to his eye stalk so it looks like it has a massive erection. Another one has him on an underground railway platform in Berlin, pointing to the exit sign which says 'Ausfahrt,' and there is one of him from behind, on the top deck of a bus, tilted forward with his trunk-hatch flap down, giving a brown-eye.

The pictures are very sweet and Socrates begins to feel sorry for the dead Dalek. He descends into a maudlin funk which, in turn, starts him pondering his own mortality. In dispirited tones, he says to Aristotle, 'The way I see it, if they don't let animals into heaven they're not going to let us in.' His voice holds a feeling of melancholy resignation.

Aristotle says cheerily, 'Maybe there's a special heaven for Daleks.'

In a voice heavy with sarcasm, Socrates says, 'Who would have organised that then, do you think?'

Aristotle thinks for a moment, then says, 'The Great Dalek.'

Socrates laughs. He says, 'What Great Dalek?'

'The Great Dalek.'

Socrates whacks Aristotle on the head a couple of times with Plato's wallet and says irritably, 'What Great Dalek, idiot?'

'Well ... first there was the Great Dalek, and then all the other Daleks followed, created in his image.'

'You're making all this up, right?'

'It could be true.'

'Yeah, right.'

Aristotle continues, 'And the Great Dalek ascended into the skies and created a paradise for all those who would believe.'

'Dalek heaven?'

'That's right.'

In a humouring tone, Socrates says, 'And what's it like, this Dalek heaven?'

'It's lovely.'

'Do we all still have our static rods?'

'Yes,' Aristotle says, adding, 'But you're not allowed to use them.'

'What happens if you use your static rod?'

'You're punished.'

'How?'

'Well ... I should imagine a fine in the first instance.'

'And if you do it again?'

'You're not taking this at all seriously, are you?'

'Yes I am. I just want to know what happens if you do it again?'

'You'd probably be told to go and see the Great Dalek.'

'And what if you decided you didn't want to go.'

'You'd be forced to.'

'By who?'

'Dalek police.'

'So, there's a police force in Dalek heaven?'

'I suppose, yes.'

'Okay, so the police are called and they take you to the Great Dalek. What then?'

'Well, the Great Dalek would decide on your punishment.'

'And what would your punishment be?'

'Depends on what you'd done.'

Socrates sighs. 'Got caught a second time firing off your static rod.'

'Well, it's hard to say. That would be up to the Great Dalek to decide.'

Socrates starts going through the rest of the wallet. He pulls out a condom, saying absently, 'And what would his options be? I'd assume there'd be sentencing guidelines.'

Aristotle tries to quickly come up with some sentencing guidelines. Stalling, he says, 'Of course there'd be sentencing guidelines, idiot. What do you think, it'd all be just ad hoc? Of course there's going to be sentencing guidelines.'

Socrates says, 'Okay, so what would you get for firing off your static rod a second time?'

Aristotle hasn't been able to come up with any sentencing guidelines at all and says vaguely, 'I don't know. I've never been to Dalek heaven. I'll let you know when I get there.'

'Don't expect me to be holding my breath,' Socrates tells him, then, holding up the condom, he says, 'What's this?'

Aristotle says, 'I don't know. Why don't you open it?'

Socrates tears open the packet and takes out the condom. He says, 'Hey, it's a balloon,' and he blows it up and ties off the end. 'Cool,' he says.

There are half a dozen more in the wallet, all different colours, and he blows those up as well. He winds down the window and holds them out in the breeze. The sight of the long, flapping, multi-coloured balloons raises his spirits and he says to Aristotle, 'What sort of a heaven has a police force, anyway, for God's sake?'

'Any heaven that would let you in,' Aristotle tells him.

# Lucy Continued

Lucy doesn't have to wait long for Scooter to get home. She has applied makeup to her head-bowl and has sprayed the box and herself with her best perfume. She is waiting in the living room. After a short while she hears a noise outside and, going to the window, sees Scooter sneaking down the side of the house. Clearly he is intending a surprise entrance from the rear.

Lucy gets ready for him. Positioning herself so she can cover the doorway, she pushes out the egg slice and sticks the end of the gun barrel through the hole in the cardboard.

She hears the back door open and the Dalek slowly roll into the house and down the corridor, checking rooms, softly saying to himself, 'Clear,' as each one is confirmed empty. Finally there is only one left—the living room.

Scooter pauses and takes a breath, then he throws himself onto the floor, rolling past the doorway, his static rod aiming straight out. Rolling to the other side he gets up and listens, then calls out, 'Who's that in there?'

Lucy calls back, 'It's me, I'm a Dalek.'

Suspicious, Scooter says, 'I could see that but who are you and what do you want?'

Lucy says, 'Come in here and I'll show you.' She takes a tighter hold on the gun.

Scooter straightens his static rod and says, 'I don't think so. You tell me first and then I'll come in.'

'Did you notice I was a woman?'

Scooter hadn't noticed that. He sticks the end of his eye stalk around the door then pulls it back. It is indeed a female Dalek and an attractive one at that. Flicking off carpet fluff, he says, 'So, what do you want?'

Lucy says suggestively, 'I've got something you might want to see.'

'What?' she's asked.

'Just something.'

Playing for time while he checks if he's fully presentable, Scooter says, 'Can you give me a hint?'

'No, you have to come in.'

'Can you tell me what it starts with then?'

'Okay, Z C.'

'Is it hyphenated?'

'Not necessarily.'

'But it's a single thing?'

'Pretty much.'

Scooter racks his brain for anything he might be interested in that starts with Z C. He can come up with nothing and says, 'Is it animal, vegetable or mineral?'

Lucy says, 'Just close your eye, hold out your manipulator arm and come in here and feel for yourself.'

Her response is tantalising and titillating and, blinded by naked desire, he closes his eye, extends his manipulator arm and rolls into the room, his claw slowly opening and closing.

Halfway across the room, Lucy says, 'Stop and open your eye.'

Scooter stops and opens his eye and looks at Lucy. Saliva is running from the corner of his input hatch. He says, 'Wow, you really are one honey-babe,' and starts moving towards her again.

At this point Lucy throws off her head bowl and says, 'Remember me? You tried to kill me recently.'

Scooter stops, shocked, and looks around the room. He says, 'Where's Orville?'

Lucy says, 'You're going to find out very shortly.'

'What have you done with him?'

'Very much the same as I'm about to do to you.'

'And what's that?'

Lucy smiles. Scooter notices the end of the gun barrel protruding from the hole in the cardboard and he lunges. Lucy sidesteps and the Dalek crashes into the wall behind her, disorientating himself.

Lucy says, 'How does it feel, eh, now the wheel's on the other axle?'

The Dalek lunges again and Lucy squeezes the trigger, taking the Dalek in the forehead. She fires again, the bullet entering the Dalek's gearbox, which makes a shrill grinding noise, then stops.

Scooter falls onto his side, his eye stalk pointing up at Lucy. He is leaking oil and his lights are flickering. He says, 'You've done for me.'

Looking down at him, Lucy says, 'I sure have, buster.'

She gets out of the cardboard box and says to the dying Dalek, 'Any last words?'

Scooter coughs oil and says, 'I can't think of anything. Could you tell people I said something witty, do you think?'

'Like what?'

'I don't know. Maybe you could make something up?' Scooter remembers the story of General Sedgwick getting shot in the American Civil War and says, 'Maybe tell them that, just before you pulled the trigger, I said, "You couldn't hit an elephant from that distance." That's kind of funny.'

The Dalek's voice is becoming distorted and Lucy misses the end of the sentence. She says, 'I'm sorry, you couldn't what ...?'

'Hit an elephant from that distance. Perhaps you should write it down'

Lucy finds a pen and writes the quote on the back of her hand.

Scooter ask her, 'Just out of interest, what did Z C stand for?'

'Zip city.'

'So, you really had nothing to show me. It was just a trick.'

'Yup.'

Scooter hits his shattered forehead with his claw and says, 'Zip city. God damn, I never would have got that. Zip city,' then he goes quiet and his lights go out.

Lucy drags the body into the back yard and buries it with Orville.

# Bruno

At the Plancks' things are looking grim. Their Dalek has been missing for many months and little Otis has been inconsolable, waking every morning to anxiously check if he has perhaps returned during the night. He has become a sad and distracted child, lethargic, with little interest in anything around him.

Bruno and Zelinda miss Hogan as well. Bruno has been reading Otis his bedtime stories but it is not the same.

To add to their woes, Bruno has been unsuccessful in finding employment and their finances are all but depleted. The hopelessness of the situation has caused him to fall into a deep despair and an abiding depression.

Down, and at his wits' end, he gets out the folder with all the insurance papers and finds his life insurance policy. He checks for provisions on suicide and, finding the relevant section, he discovers that, as the policy has been in force for more than two years, he is completely covered. It is the answer he's been looking for.

The seed sown and the stage set, Bruno prepares. He gets a length of rope from the garage and brings it into the kitchen. He ties one end into a noose and, putting a chair on the table, climbs up to attach the other end to a ceiling beam. Getting down, he finds a bottle of scotch and, to fix his courage to the sticking point, he drinks the whole bottle. After that, staggering a little, he gets a pad and pen and writes a suicide note for his wife:

Forgive me, this is the only way out of it all. It's either this or penury and the poor-house for all of us. Everybody—me, you, Otis, everybody—the whole works. Look after our little boy. Maybe not tell him about the hanging side of things. Maybe tell him I had an accident with the hedge trimmer. Or tell him I've gone to live with the dolphins—that would be better. He likes dolphins. Tell him I'm living under the ocean in a dolphin paradise.

Bruno pauses here for a moment, then continues:

He may ask how I'm breathing underwater. If it comes up, just try changing the subject. If he persists, tell him I'm in a submarine.

He stops again staring into the distance, then writes:

No, that wouldn't work. How would I talk to the dolphins? Maybe not go down the dolphin path at all. Thinking about it, best stick to the hedge trimmer story. Or possibly make up something about an alien abduction. No, hang on, he'll want to know about the probing. Looks like we're back to the hedge trimmer again. So, tell Otis I've had an accident with the hedge trimmer and have gone to a better place. If he asks what better place, make up something about dolphins because they're like his most favourite ever animal. Are dolphins animals or fish? Never mind, that's not the point. I've gone to a special dolphin place. In a submarine. With a thing so I can talk to the dolphins. Tell him it's like an underwater karaoke machine. He knows what a karaoke machine is.

So, that's about all. Don't forget bin-night is Thursdays and the spare key to the garage is on the hook behind the you-know-what. Otis may push you about the special dolphin place. If he talks about coming to visit, tell him he can't because it's on Mars. So, other than that, it's goodbye from me. Actually, I think I may have to throw up because I drank that whole bottle of scotch. The whole room is spinning. Unsure how to approach getting up on that chair now. Whoa Nelly! I'll probably fall and break my stupid neck. That'd be just me. Hey, remember that night when we were in the Caymans on holiday that time and you surprised me with that new negligee you'd secretly bought? Way see-through. I think you got it from that duty free shop at the airport. Boy that was a night. You were way hot. That was before Otis was born I think. He's such a lovely boy. I'll attach this to the insurance policy if I can remember where I put it. Had it a minute ago. Nope, can't see it. Anyway, you'll probably find it. It's got the navy blue cover. Or is that the house and contents? Never mind, you'll sort it out I'm sure. It's either the brown cover or the navy blue. Oh well, this is me getting up on the chair now. Whoa Nelly!

~~~

At the same time, some distance away, Lucy is going through Orville's business papers, getting things in order. In among it all she finds correspondence relating to the hiring of an aeronautical engineer specialising in quantum gyroscopy. She has a faint recollection of some other, recent contact with quantum gyroscopy. It's sitting tantalisingly on the periphery of her memory—quantum gyroscopy. She snaps her fingers, trying to tease out the details, but late events have rendered them shadowy and elusive and eventually she gives up and goes back to her sorting.

~~~

Back at the Plancks', with a lot of stumbling and near falls, Bruno has managed to get up onto the chair on top of the table. There is a moment of arm-waving to steady himself, then he takes the noose and places it around his neck. He pulls it up to test it but finds the knot is in an uncomfortable position so he twists it further around. When he tests it again he finds he's moved it too far around and has to pull it back a bit. It takes about ten minutes to get the thing right and he finds that, with all the pulling and pushing, he's given himself a painful rope-burn and wonders if he should get the tube of ointment from the bathroom. In the end he decides he won't because it would mean doing the chair thing all over again.

With the rope now in position, he tries to think if he's forgotten anything and decides he'd better go to the toilet first as his bladder is becoming increasingly uncomfortable. Climbing down, he takes himself off to the bathroom and relieves himself. On his way back he stops at the table to add something to the suicide note. He writes:

Just so you know, just had to go to the loo. Bladder very full from all the scotch. Getting back up on the chair again now. Bloody chair, very rickety. Can't begin to tell you how dangerous all this is. Still, mustn't complain. And thinking about it, I don't think Otis is going to buy the dolphins and Mars story. Maybe stay with the hedge trimmer. Keep the alien abduction story in your back pocket though in case he wants to see the body, which, knowing him, I can see being on the cards. Well, that's about it. Trying for the chair climb again now. If you find me dead on the floor it means I didn't make it back up. Love, Bruno. XXX

Climbing back onto the table, Bruno slips and falls, hitting his head on the edge of the sink on his way to the floor. He lies dazed for some moments then, beginning to get up, he notices the life insurance policy on the floor under the table. He accepts the incident philosophically as one of life's yin-yang moments and picks up the folder, adding to the suicide note:

Some good news and some bad news. Bad news, fell off the table. Good news, found the policy. It was the blue cover after all. The brown must be the house and contents. Will attach now. Your loving husband, Bruno XXX.

Can't find a pin so I'll just rest the note on top of the policy. Back up that fucking chair now. Pardon my French but this whole thing is turning into one big deathtrap just waiting to happen. Bruno XXX.'

Back up on the chair, Bruno puts the noose around his neck. Once again the knot is in the wrong place. He tries to fix it but the rope burn makes any adjustment stingingly painful and he climbs down and gets the tube of ointment from the medicine chest. He applies a liberal amount to his neck and, with a lot of wobbling, gets back up on the chair again.

When he has the knot in a comfortable position, Bruno is ready. He takes a deep breath and, standing on one leg, kicks at the chair with the other to knock it away. With his weight on it, it just wobbles. He is about to kick at it again when his wife arrives home.

Entering the kitchen, Zelinda shrieks and says, 'Bruno, good God, what are you doing?'

Bruno says, 'Hello, darling.' He stops kicking at the chair and waves. The change from kicking to waving makes the chair move precariously.

Zelinda says, 'What are you doing?' again, to which Bruno replies, 'Just killing myself, dear. I don't suppose you could come back a little later.'

Zelinda reaches forward and steadies the chair. She says, 'For God's sake, get down from there.'

Bruno says, 'I don't know that I've got one more climb down in me. I seem to have been going up and down this damn thing all afternoon. It's really been quite exhausting.'

Zelinda says, 'Bruno, what do want to kill yourself for?'

'The money, mainly. It's all in the note.' He leans forward to indicate the suicide note on the table but the rope pulls him back. This sets him off balance again and he grabs the ceiling lighting fixture, which is on, and burns his hand. He lets go and steadies himself, blowing on his burnt hand and shaking it.

Zelinda calls out, 'For God's sake be careful,' and Bruno says, 'I don't suppose you could pass that ointment up, this thing's stinging like a bugger.'

It is at this point that Hogan, back from Minsk, rolls through the front door. He trundles down to the kitchen and enters. The two look at him, astonished.

Hogan says, 'I would have been here earlier only the traffic was chaos.'

Bruno grins and waves and says, 'Hogan. Where have you been?'

'Minsk, mainly,' Hogan tells him. 'Why have you got that rope around your neck?'

'It's all in the note,' Bruno tells him. He grunts and says, 'I've really got to sit down. All this up and down, up and down has quite exhausted me.' He bends to sit on the backrest of the chair, causing it to fall backwards off the table, leaving him dangling on the rope, making gurgling noises. Hogan quickly rolls through and, extending his manipulator claw, snips the rope and Bruno falls to the table. Looking up at Hogan and his wife he says, 'Ah, my little family,' and grins at them drunkenly.

The telephone rings and, getting straight back into work mode, Hogan rolls over and answers it. He says, 'Planck residence,' then, holding the phone out to Bruno, he says, 'It's for you.'

Bruno rolls himself off the table and takes the phone. He says, 'Bruno Planck here.'

He listens for some time, occasionally saying, 'Really,' and 'Good gracious,' and 'Well, that's nice.' When he hangs up, Hogan and Zelinda look at him expectantly.

He says, 'Remember the woman that called in for a drink that time? The one that was being chased by Daleks trying to kill her? Remember we dressed her up as a Dalek. I got the old refrigerator carton from the garage and we made holes and stuck an egg slice through like a manipulator arm and a rolling pin for a static rod. We used a plastic salad bowl with a toilet plunger for the head. Do you remember?'

Zelinda says, 'Yes, why?' and Bruno tells her, 'She said thanks very much and she's finished with the bowl and plunger and stuff and will drop it all back tomorrow. She said not to worry stopping in, if we're not here she'll leave it on the doorstep.'

'That's very nice,' says Zelinda. 'So many people never get around to returning things.'

Bruno starts wandering unsteadily from the kitchen. Zelinda says, 'Where are you going?' and he tells her, 'I'm going to have a little lie down. It's been a hectic day.'

'You're not going to try to kill yourself are you?' Zelinda asks him and he says, 'Not today, I don't think I have the energy now. Tomorrow maybe, if I'm feeling better.'

'Watch him,' Zelinda tells Hogan and the Dalek nods his eye stalk and follows Bruno, keeping to the shadows and doorways to avoid being seen.

~~~

Later in the day, Otis comes home from school and finds his mother in the kitchen. She says, 'How was school?'

Otis replies, 'Okay. I don't suppose Hogie has come home.'

Zelinda says, 'I don't think so.' She pours him a glass of milk, then, with her head tilted to one side, she says, 'But wait. What's that odd humming noise coming from the laundry?'

Otis listens, then says, 'That sounds like ...' then he shrieks and rushes from the kitchen. Pushing open the laundry door he sees Hogan standing in the middle of the room, his manipulator arm and static rod held out. With a whoop of joy, Otis runs full tilt, jumping to wrap his arms around the Dalek's neck. Hogan pulls the boy to him and, with their heads pressed together, they hug each other fiercely, shedding tears of joy. Zelinda is standing in the doorway, watching them, and the scene brings a tear to her eye as well.

Otis says, 'Hogie, you must never, ever, never go away again. Never ever,' and Hogan says, 'I never will.'

'Promise?' Otis says and Hogan says, 'Cross my heart and hope to die.'

Otis grins and gives Hogan a playful punch, saying, 'Daleks don't have hearts, silly-billy,' and Hogan tells him, 'Cross my gearbox then,' and they both laugh. Otis grabs Hogan's manipulator arm and pulls him out of the laundry. He says, 'I've did some drawings of you while you were away. Come and see, they're very good. They look just like you, Hogie. You can have one if you like. You can put it up in your room.'

'That's very nice of you,' Hogan says.

Otis says, 'And I've been saving foods for you, for if you were hungry when you got back. I've keeped it under the bed. Mummy doesn't know. I've got bread and red jam. That fell upside down but I gotten most of the fluff off. I've got peanut butter, not in a jar, on a plate. I ate some of that but there's lots left. I've got cake. I've got everything you like.'

'Mmm,' says Hogan. 'I can hardly wait.'

# Dwayne Poindexter & Schnel

Schnel is now dressed in the uniform of a Reichmarschall in the German Luftwaffe. He has a black eye-patch strapped to his head.

Handing Dwayne Poindexter a cardboard box containing his Doomsday Machine, he says, 'Take zis and put it in zer car. Unt be careful. Vun wrong move viz zat and Kerpow, zer entire world goes up in a puff of schmoke.'

Poindexter says, 'Right, Reichmarschall Schnel.'

Schnel isn't sure of Poindexter's tone and is tempted to shoot him with a blast of static, but, remembering what Poindexter is carrying, he doesn't. He makes a mental note to do it when Poindexter gets back.

Schnel packs a carry bag with extra batteries and a spare uniform. It is styled on the uniform worn by Karel Ztepanec when he played Admiral Günther Lütjens in the 1960 film, 'Sink the Bismarck'. It will be his victory uniform for when his Doomsday Machine has taught the world a lesson, shown everybody who is who and which side really should have won the war. It is a moment Schnel is really looking forward to savouring.

When Poindexter comes back, Schnel shoots him with a blast of static.

~~~

In the car, with Poindexter nursing the Doomsday Machine, Schnel drives to his carefully selected target and parks out the front. It is a movie theatre showing a festival of WWII movies. The billboard lists, 'Das Boot,' 'Zer Bunker,' 'Dam Busters,' 'The Guns of Navarone,' and 'The Dirty Dozen'.

Schnel has come to make a point. He says, 'Sure ve lost, Poindexter, but how dare zey rub our noses in it.' Looking up at the hoarding, he says bitterly, 'Vorld Vore two. Ve should haf won zat one, Poindexter. Ve had everysink going for us. It vas zat schwine Churchill, meddling geshflerten dummkopf. Also zat stupid Eisenhower. I haff nuzing against zer Jews, Poindexter, but mein Gott, Eisenhower is a Jewish name if I haff ever heard one.'

Pointing at the box with the Doomsday Machine, he says, 'Hand me zat Doomsday Machine dere, Poindexter.'

Poindexter gets out the Doomsday Machine and hands it across.

On the front there is a large switch marked 'On' and 'Off,' and a knob with settings numbered one to ten.

Schnel says, 'I am goink to test zer device first on zer lowest setting off one. After zat I vill vind zer sing all zer way up to ten. Ten, Poindexter. Do you hear me? Ten.'

'Yes, Reichmarschall Schnel, I hear you.'

Schnel says, irritably, 'Zat voss ein rhetorical question, Poindexter.' Looking at him, he says, 'Do you haff anysing dangerous on you?'

Poindexter slowly and carefully checks his pockets and says, 'No,' and Schnel shoots him with a bolt of static.

Holding up the Doomsday Machine, Schnel says, 'Ve vill show zer verld, Poindexter, eh?' He watches Poindexter to see if he responds or not. Not wishing to be shot with static again Poindexter is considering whether what Schnel said was rhetorical or not. Sadly, he doesn't know that Schnel is in a mood and going to blast him anyway.

Mentally flipping a coin, Poindexter says, 'Yes, Reichmarschall Schnel,' and Schnel fires a bolt of static at him.

Turning the Doomsday Machine to setting one, Schnel says, 'Right, first for zer test. Zen vee vill send zis baby all zer way up to ten and destroy zis filthy propaganda machine zey call ein cinema. Are you ready, Poindexter?'

Wary, Poindexter nods.

Schnel says, 'Say it, Poindexter.'

Poindexter doesn't want to take another blast of static. He says, 'I'm worried, Reichmarschall Schnel, that if I do you will shoot me with static again.'

'I promise you I von't,' Schnel tells him.

'Really?'

'Just say it.'

Poindexter is hesitant and Schnel tells him, 'Say it or I vill shoot you viz zer static again.'

Poindexter takes a breath, then, with his forehead furrowed says, 'I'm sorry, Reichmarschall Schnel, I seem to have forgotten the original question.'

In pointedly measured tones, Schnel says, 'I asked you, Poindexter dummkopf, if you ver ready to destroy zis filthy propaganda machine zey call ein cinema. So, are you ready, Poindexter?'

Poindexter says, 'Yes, Reichmarschall Schnel, I am ready.'

They look at each other for a moment, Schnel's eye stalk twitching, then Schnel relaxes and says, 'Goot boy. Just a little tickle zen,' and he gives Poindexter a short blast of static.

Putting his claw on the switch, Schnel counts down from ten. 'Zhen, neun, acht, sieben, sechs, fünf, vier, drei, zwei, eins, null. Oh, Poindexter, iff only ve had one of zese in zer big one,' and he pushes down the switch. There is a loud bang as the sides of the Doomsday Machine fly apart and the car fills with smoke.

Waving his manipulator arm to clear the smoke, Schnel says, 'Excellent, excellent. Now for zer big one, Poindexter. Are you ready to show zees Allied schwine who's boss now?'

Poindexter tries to imagine the actual meaning behind the question and Schnel says impatiently, 'Ach, never mind, dummkopf,' and feels around for the Doomsday Machine. He says, 'Vere is zer Doomsday Machine, Poindexter?'

Pondexter says, 'Is that question rhetorical?'

Schnel says, 'No, dummkopf,' and fires a bolt of static.

Poindexter says, 'Sorry Reichmarschall Schnel.'

Schnel winds down the window to clear the smoke and they both look around for the Doomsday Machine. There are pieces scattered all over the floor. Schnel picks them up, trying to fit them back together, but it is useless.

In a fit of temper he says, 'Zis is all your fault, Poindexter, you utter, utter dummkopf schweinburger. I am going to giff you such a staticing.'

And here is the watershed. Poindexter finds the unfounded accusation is too much. It is the straw that finally breaks the camel's back. After suffering years of abuse and debasement at the hands of his own Dalek, paid for from his own pocket, a thing that was supposed to serve and protect him, not debase and humiliate him, something finally flips in his brain and he snaps like a brittle twig. He says, 'No, it's your own fault, Schnel, you arrogant, jumped-up piece of ridiculous garbage. You horrible, horrible little Dalek. You vile little egomaniacal piece of evil, self important, pompous shit.'

Schnel experiences incredulity then blinding anger. He says, spluttering, 'Vot is zis?'

Poindexter leans across and smacks Schnel's hat off.

Schnel says, furiously, 'Zis insubordination is unthinkable. I am Reichmarschall of zer entire German Luftwaffe. You vill be ...'

'I'll be what?' Poindexter asks.

'You vill be destroyed and your lands salted so nussing vill grow for a thousand years. You vill be subject to zer full wrath of zer Reich. You will be ...' Schnel is finally rendered speechless with fury.

'What, with this?' Poindexter says and reaches over and with a jerk, snaps off Schnel's static rod at the joint.

Schnel is aghast. He says, 'Vy you ...'

There are two wires hanging from the end of the rod. Pointing the firing end at Schnel, Poindexter touches them together and the Dalek is bathed in a crackling cloud of static. Releasing the wires he says to Schnel, 'So, how does it feel to be on the other end of this thing for a change, dummkopf schweinburg? Eh?'

Still angry, but with his voice now shaky, Schnel says, 'I vill tell you how it feels ...' but Poindexter cuts him off. He says, 'Wrong. That was a rhetorical question, dummkopf,' and touches the wires together again, holding them for a full count of ten.

When he stops, Schnel makes a bubbling noise and slaps weakly at Poindexter with his manipulator arm but Poindexter knocks it away and hits Schnel over the head with his own static rod. He says, 'So, you want more static there, Schnelburger?'

Schnel reaches out again with his manipulator arm and Poindexter grabs it, twists, undoes the locking device and tugs it out of its socket.

Schnel says, 'You can't do zat. Zere are rules. Zer Geneva Convention. Humanitarian protocols. I demand ...'

'You demand nothing,' Poindexter tells him. 'I'm not taking your crap any more, Schnel. I don't know why I let you intimidate me for so long in the first place. You're just a horrid little bully.' Holding up the manipulator arm, he says, 'You'll get this back when you've proved you can be a good boy,' and he gives the Dalek another blast of static.

As with most bullies, a show of strength can be quickly deflating and Schnel is now close to cowering. Poindexter says, 'So, you're going to be a good boy now, aren't you?'

His internal workings painfully shaken by the staticing, Schnel says in a small voice, 'Was that rhetorical, Mr Poindexter?'

'Mr Poindexter, sir!'

'I'm sorry. Mr Poindexter, sir.'

Poindexter bends and picks up Schnel's hat and puts it on. He says, 'Drive me home, dummkopf.'

Schnel says meekly, 'I'll need my manipulator arm,' and Poindexter tells him, 'Use your eye stalk.'

It is awkward and humiliating driving with just his eye stalk. Stopped at lights, pedestrians and other drivers laugh, and someone calls him 'Stalky'.

When they get home, Schnel is crushed and beaten. He is sent to the cellar and told to stay there until he's called.

Dwayne Poindexter stands in the middle of the house and looks around. It is the start of a whole new era. He thinks about getting himself a drink, then changes his mind and decides he'll get the Dalek to do it.

# Lucy and the Plancks

Lucy is pushing the doorbell of the Plancks' house. She is returning the bits and pieces borrowed to make up her Dalek disguise.

Zelinda opens the door and, smiling, asks her inside. They go into the kitchen where Zelinda puts the kettle on for a cup of tea.

Bruno is sitting at the table with an icepack on his head, looking the worse for wear. He is absently playing with a small gyroscope. He says hello to Lucy, then grimaces, as talking affects his hangover.

Giving Zelinda the pile of things, Lucy says, 'Thank you so much for all that. I don't know what I'd have done if it hadn't been for your help.'

'Did it all work out?' Zelinda asks her, and Lucy says, 'Yes, the issue has been resolved. Good has triumphed over evil and justice has been served.'

'Excellent,' Zelinda says and goes about making the tea.

Spinning the gyroscope, Bruno says, 'You know, if this were a quantum gyroscope it would be reacting very differently.'

'Really?' Lucy says.

'Of course, for the full effect we'd have to be in outer space travelling at close to the speed of light.'

Lucy says, 'What happens when you look into a mirror if you're going at the speed of light?'

'You look younger,' Bruno tells her.

'Pulls all the wrinkles flat I suppose,' Lucy says, and laughs.

'It's all down to quantum gyroscopy,' Bruno says. 'It used to be my field before I lost my job. I was an aeronautical engineer specialising in quantum gyroscopy. A very specific field of study. It's been impossible to find another job, it's too specialised an area. I don't know what we're going to do.'

'Oh, you poor thing. That's so unfortunate. I was just reading something about quantum gyroscopy recently. Now what was it ...?'

At this point Zelinda says, 'Tea's ready,' and she gets down cups and saucers.

Bruno sighs and says, 'Yes, quantum gyroscopy, a very fascinating field of study. I probably understand it better than anyone else in the world.'

Zelinda says to Lucy, 'Macy's have a whole new range of winter fashions in now.'

'Yes, so I saw,' Lucy says.

Bruno says, 'Yep, good old quantum gyroscopy.'

It goes on like this until it's time for Lucy to go. They all promise to keep in touch and Zelinda and Bruno see her out.

Lucy is just about to leave when she stops and taps her head and says, 'Oh, silly me. Now I remember about the quantum gyroscopy thing. Yes, of course. My husband's engineering business needs an aeronautical engineering quantum gyroscopy specialist. That's where I read about it. There's been an opening for a while.'

'I'll take it,' Bruno says and Lucy claps her hands and tells him, 'Oh, how wonderful. I'll make arrangements as soon as I get home. You can start Monday. Will a hundred thousand dollars a week be okay?'

Bruno and Zelinda both put their hands to their mouths then hug each other.

At that moment, Hogan and Otis come down the corridor. Zelinda says, 'You'll never guess. Bruno has just found a wonderful job in quantum gyroscopy and he doesn't need to kill himself anymore.'

The Dalek and the boy jump up and down in delight.

Just then a man comes to the door. He says, 'Are you Bruno and Zelinda Planck?'

Bruno says, 'Yes,' and the man hands him an envelope, saying, 'Well, you've just won ten million dollars in the lottery.'

'For mercy's sake,' Zelinda says. 'It never rains but it pours,' and they all laugh fit to burst.

# Sir Bertrand, Aristotle and Socrates

Socrates and Aristotle are trying to arrange a peace accord loosely based on the famous Warsaw Pact of 1951. It basically means that, if one of them hits the other, the other can hit back the same amount.

Socrates wants to call the accord, 'Whack You Back'. He says to Aristotle, 'I propose we call the arrangement, "Whack You Back". It's succinct and embodies the feel and sensibilities of the thing.'

Aristotle says, 'Well that's stupid. I propose we call it, "The Punch-Me, Punch-You Agreement". It's nice and straightforward. Not like "Whack You Back," which is stupid and full of ambiguities.'

Socrates says, 'You're stupid and full of ambiguities,' and Aristotle says, 'Why you ...'

Eventually, when the fighting gets too loud and boisterous, Sir Bertrand steps in. He says, irritably, 'Good lord, what's the trouble now?'

Socrates says, 'Aristotle won't let me call the new Warsaw Pact, "Whack You Back".

Aristotle says, 'Socrates won't let me call it, "The Punch-Me, Punch-You Agreement".'

Socrates says, 'That's because it's stupid,' and Aristotle says, 'That's because you're stupid.'

Sir Bertrand hits them both over the head with a rolled up newspaper and says, 'They're both stupid. Call it, "The Equal Hitting Protocol," and let that be an end to it. Now, go and get me a scotch and soda.'

Neither Dalek is happy but they accept the ruling and go to get Sir Bertrand a scotch and soda. In the kitchen they both claim to know exactly how much soda Sir Bertrand likes. With the scotch poured, Socrates grabs the soda and adds 75 mil. Aristotle takes the glass and empties it into the sink and makes another with 50 mil of soda. Socrates snatches the glass and adds another 25 mil. Aristotle hits Socrates over the head with a heavy metal waffle-maker, and Socrates tries to drive a long carving knife into the crack between Aristotle's head and body.

Eventually they settle on 62 ½ mil but, once again, neither Dalek is happy.

They can't agree on who should serve it to him so, with both of them holding the tray, they roll into the lounge room. They watch carefully as Sir Bertrand takes the drink and sips it.

Aristotle says, 'What do you think?' and Sir Bertrand says, 'I don't know. I can't tell if there's too much soda or not enough.'

This causes the two Daleks to turn on each other. Each one says, 'See, I told you,' and a fight ensues.

Beginning to feel relaxed and mellowed by the scotch, Sir Bertrand keeps tally of the strikes and when the Daleks eventually exhaust themselves, he tells them that Aristotle owes Socrates a hit to the head.

Socrates says, 'What was the final score?' and Sir Bertrand says, '241 to 242,' and Aristotle hits Socrates over the head with the drinks tray.

~~~

And in this way, life in the Russell household continues, bouncing between periods of harmony and times of tempest and disagreement. Whenever Sir Bertrand refers to the two Daleks it is with the title, 'The Terrible Twins,' but it is always said with fondness. Eventually, in the name of peace and quietude, he learns to take his scotch neat.

# Bets and Barry

The inspections for objects have become a regular interlude for Bets and Barry. Bets has maintained the Dalek's interest by occasionally having something there for Barry to find.

After some months of this she decides it would only be proper for them to get married. Barry, prepared to do anything for a quite life, doesn't protest and the two find themselves one Saturday afternoon at a local registry office.

Bets is wearing a white wedding dress and Barry has on one of Terrence's hats.

Mixed marriages are something of a rarity and a reporter and photographer from the local paper, along with a small crew from the local TV station, are there to document the occasion.

The ceremony proceeds without incident, but there is an awkward moment when, at the end of the ceremony, Barry is told he can kiss the bride. After some clumsy fumbling, Barry finally decides to resolve the issue by sticking the tip of his eye stalk into Bets' mouth and wiggling it left and right. The kiss is photographed and appears on the front page of the local paper with the caption, 'The Dalek Kiss'. It also appears on the local TV news and the story is quickly taken up by major news organisations around the world. The 'Dalek Kiss' becomes a worldwide kissing phenomenon and the line, 'Do me like a Dalek,' becomes a popular catchphrase, appearing on t-shirts and coffee mugs the world over.

Through the rise to celebrity, Barry gets a book contract and Bets establishes a lucrative career endorsing cosmetics and women's products. They achieve another burst of attention when they become the first mixed couple to adopt a child; a Nigerian orphan whom they name Tyrone.

# O'Carroll

O'Carroll, now an expert and fully conversant in every aspect of les-byan sexual customs and mores, has moved on to the subject of Bets and Barry and the idea of mixed marriages. He now has a new set of conversation starters, generally leading with, 'How do dey do it in doze mixed marriages? What is it, cly-torous to eye stalk or what?'

His expertise is noticed by a passenger who is a TV producer and he's offered his own late-night TV talk show called, 'Ask O'Connell,' where audience members ask questions on aspects of sexuality that have puzzled them. It is an instant success and he is offered a similar daytime panel show called, 'Cly-torous to Cly-torous.'

Riding on his TV success, O'Carroll goes on to direct and star in a string of films, including the Kung Fu blockbuster, 'Sixteen Wheels of Fury,' a comedy, haunted-house thriller called, 'The Static in the Attic,' and a humorous travel documentary on Minsk, called, 'So is this Minsk, or What?'

His foray into the world of popular entertainment in not without its price and O'Carroll succumbs to Synapse-Up addiction and he is found one morning on the floor of his luxury apartment, dead. The SynapseUp is covered up and in the news the cause of death is reported as gearbox complications.

# 81885

The day after the police car burning, 81885's next door neighbours, the Welchers, and their Dalek, Bonnington, are questioned and their house searched for evidence of the missing officers. Still disguised as Meredith's sister, 81885 watches over the fence as a team of forensic investigators dig up the backyard, looking for bodies. He helps by pointing out bits they've missed and offers to come over and help but he's told it's no job for a lady.

By the end of the day, eight human bodies and the remains of three Daleks have been unearthed.

The Welchers are held and police then begin house by house interviews, covering the entire area, but few respond and cooperation is limited due to fear of the buried contents of their own backyards being discovered.

With nothing else to go on, the Welchers are taken in but, under interrogation, disclaim all knowledge and blame it on their Dalek, Bonnington, who is arrested and taken away for trial.

He is tried by Judge Ackerman, before a jury of 12 Daleks. It is a sympathetic jury as pretty much each member has something or other buried in their backyard, and Bonnington is found not guilty.

This throws Judge Ackerman into an instant fury and, banging his gavel furiously, he sentences Bonnington and the jury to a hundred millions years imprisonment in a forced labour Gulag in Minsk. There is a riot and the large group of predominantly Dalek spectators storms the bench and, with manipulator arms and static rods flailing, they bludgeon the judge to death. They drag the body out and bury it in the garden area behind the courthouse.

81885 continues living as Meredith's sister and is eventually accepted by the community. He is occasionally asked if Vince and Meredith are back from Canada yet, to which he answers in his best lady's voice, 'Not yet darling.'

## The End

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http://www.parisportingale.com

_Special offer for readers of 'The Trouble with Daleks':_

_Use coupon code FK83L to save 50% on the ebook version of 'Art and the Drug Addict's Dog' at_ Smashwords _until 31 December 2012._

_If you enjoyed 'The Trouble with Daleks', you may also enjoy some of Paris Portingale's other works:_

_Art and the Drug Addict's Dog (novel)_

_From Paris with Love (short story collection)_

_Paris in Black (short story collection)_

_or his new novel, due out later in 2012:_

_2,000 Jews Walk into a Bar_

_Purchase these or download a variety of Paris' other short stories from:_

Smashwords

