- Has anyone seen the
documentary Free Solo?
(cheers)
Yes, a whole bunch of you guys.
If you haven't seen Free Solo,
it's about a guy
named Alex Honnold.
Alex Honnold climbed the
northern face of El Capitan
using nothing but
his fingernails
and his borderline autism.
(laughter)
This guy was not intimidated
by the northern face
of El Capitan because this
guy can't read expressions
on any kind of face.
The hero of the documentary
is not Alex Honnold.
The hero of the documentary
is Alex Honnold's
23-year-old girlfriend,
who is four years
away from realizing
she's making a terrible mistake.
Why is every documentary about
like a vanilla psychopath?
Can we have one documentary
about like just a normal dude
who works in IT, he
lives in the suburbs,
he goes to therapy, and
the end of the documentary,
you find out he didn't need to.
And instead everything's
about like a maniac
in search of, like, the
perfect piece of sushi.
It's unbelievable.
There is a scene in Free Solo
where they're interviewing
this guy and his girlfriend,
and they're like,
"Alex, is there anything
you're more dedicated to
than climbing El Capitan?"
And he's like, "No."
(laughter)
Here's how sick I am, as
someone who just turned 30.
The first thing I did
after I saw the documentary
was Google Alex Honnold,
and I felt a palpable
sense of relief
when I realized he was
three years older than me.
As if in the next three years
I'm going to get
my shit together
and become the second man
to free solo El Capitan.
(laughter)
I thought, here's the thing.
I think it's a really weird
time to be a young person.
And just like, I was
writing on a TV show,
and at the end of this TV show,
I checked my bank
balance on the ATM,
and I had, not to brag,
5,421 dollars in
my bank account.
And this is how little I
know about being an adult.
I saw the bank balance
on the ATM screen,
and I thought to
myself with no irony,
I should buy a house.
(laughter)
Not a big house, one of those
small 5,000 dollar houses.
How is any Millennial
ever going to own a home?
How is any young person
ever going to own a home?
It's made me hate old people.
I see a few of you in
here tonight. I hate you.
Because every old person in
a city like LA or New York
or London is the
same they're like,
"My house is worth
2 million dollars.
But when I bought it in 1981
I paid 11 raspberries for it."
(laughter)
And every young person's
like, "I have nine roommates!
We each pay 11,000
dollars a month,
although I missed a
payment last month,
he took a toe, I
walk in a circle now.
Every single one of us is
a lawyer except for Ted.
He's a dog with rabies, and
we'd love to get him out,
but his name is on the lease,"
and every single
old person's like,
"I'm a librarian with
a home at the beach."
Go fuck yourself!
How has this happened?
And by the way, old people
complain constantly like,
"Young people always complain."
I have never heard a
young person complain.
I genuine-- I don't
hear it happen.
All I do, like my mom
sometimes will be like,
"Millennials, you guys
live in your phones."
I'm like, "It's the only
place we can afford to live.
(laughter)
You're my landlord,
you should know that."
I was watching Spongebob
Squarepants with my cousin,
younger cousin, he's two
years younger than me,
we enjoy the classics.
And halfway through the show,
I'm fuming because
all I could think,
I'm like, "This sponge
owns his own pineapple?"
And then he went
upstairs, I'm like,
"This sponge owns a
two-story pineapple?
Oh he must be a lawyer."
He's not a lawyer, he works
in a fast food restaurant.
Spongebob has family
money I am telling you.
He changed his name to
be more working class,
but his real name is
Spongerobert Rectangletrousers,
I swear to fucking God.
(laughter)
Last month the Dalai
Lama gave an interview.
And I'm not sure if
any of you guys saw--
you're nodding.
I'm not sure if any
of you guys saw this.
It was amazing.
It was a British woman, and
she's got notes on a clipboard,
and she's asking really
softball questions
to the Dalai Lama, she's like,
"Mr. Lama, what's
your favorite kind
of forgiveness, Mr. Lama?"
And like, and then
she asked a question
that's supposed to be like
a real feel-good question.
She goes, "Mr. Lama,
do you ever think
there's going to be
a female Dalai Lama?"
And he went, "Yes."
And then you could
see me like 'ahhh'
(laughter)
And then he continues,
and he goes,
"But only if she's attractive."
But she checks her
notes, cause like,
and she's really
checking, but eventually,
she's like, "Nope, didn't
have the Dalai Lama
being sexist in here anywhere."
And she was like, "Would
you like to elaborate?"
And he's like, "Yes, well today,
people only listen
to attractive people.
So, the next Dalai Lama
will have to be attractive."
And whether or not the
Dalai Lama's right,
I'm not going to be the
one to make that call,
but whether or not the
Dalai Lama's right,
I have one thought that
I have been thinking
since I saw the interview.
Does the Dalai Lama
think he's hot?!
Does the Dalai Lama
wake up every morning,
and look in the
mirror, and be like,
"Asian Charlie Brown,
still got it, baby!"
(laughter)
Why does every one
of the Dalai Lama's
Instagram photos
have the caption,
'Felt cute, might
delete later' on it?
I am sick, by the
way, of pretending
that the stuff that
I like is cool stuff.
I don't like anything cool.
I'm really excited for the day
I can finally stop
pretending to hate Coldplay.
I love Coldplay. I love
Co-- and occasionally,
someone trying to be
sympathetic will be like,
"Oh yeah, the early
stuff is good,"
and I'm like, "NO! All of it!"
(laughter)
And, like, I was sitting in
a car, and Coldplay came on,
and the driver of the car
went, "Ugh, Coldplay,"
and I had to be like,
"Yeah, I hate music
that makes it feel like
you can do anything."
(laughter)
And, you know, I
like uncool stuff,
I went to see Josh Groban
a couple of weeks ago,
and screw you for the
judgment on your face.
I went-- I went to
see Josh Groban,
not a girlfriend took me,
not an aunt who likes it,
I went to see Josh
Groban. And I enjoyed it.
He sang for two
hours, at twilight,
outside Portland,
in an outdoor venue,
it was magical, he sings in
four different languages,
he did "Pure Imagination"
from Willy Wonka, I cried.
And, I got into the
car, I got into an Uber,
feeling fulfilled, and the
Uber driver ruined my bliss
with three words. He said,
"Who's playing tonight?"
I said, "Josh Groban,"
and he just went,
"Ah, guilty pleasure."
(laughter)
And I said, "What?"
And I swear to God,
he went, "Okay." (laughter)
And I said, "Why should
I feel guilty, huh?"
And he went, "Okay," and I said,
"WHY SHOULD I FEEL
GUILTY?! For seeing
a once-in-a-generation talent
sing timeless classics?!"
And he didn't respond, and then,
I said something that
I'm genuinely sure is
the most embarrassing
thing I've ever said.
I crossed my arms,
and after this,
we were quiet for
the rest of the ride.
I crossed my arms,
and I just went,
"Ya can't help what
gives ya goosebumps."
(laughter)
The worst tattoo I've
ever seen is this:
I worked with a girl
at KFC, long story,
and everyone called
her 'Jennifer 9/11.'
Hold on, hold on, it's
way worse than ya think.
She had a tattoo
on her lower back,
of the Twin Towers and
the words "Never forget."
First of all, boner killer.
Second of all, that means that
at some point in her life,
she walked into a tattoo
pa-- presumably after 9/11,
otherwise, it's
crazy. (laughter)
She walked into a tattoo
parlor and was like,
"I want a permanent reminder
of the saddest day
in American history!"
And they were
like, "Gettysburg?"
And she's like, "Statist--
no. More recent."
And they're like, "9/11, all
right where do you want it?"
And she's like, "It
should be a reminder!"
And they're like, "Yeah,"
she's like, "Should
remind me everyday!"
And they're like, "Yeah,
where do you want it?"
She's like, "Well, what's
the one part of my body,
I could never see ever unless
I had a neck like an owl?"
But here's why it's
really horrifying/great.
Because time isn't always
kind to people's bodies,
and eventually, her
skin is going to sag,
and those Twin Towers are
going to collapse again.
So, it's less of a reminder
and more of a reenactment.
(laughter)
(electronic music)
