 
# CHAPTER 1: STRENGTH OF A WOMAN

I recall a conversation that I once had with my mother. The words she spoke rotated in bewilderment as my 9-year-old mind attempted to conceptualise the truth behind these words.

"You are an intelligent and beautiful dark-skinned girl", she told me, "as you grow older, you are going to step into a world that will try to convince you that your beautiful dark skin needs bleaching to subscribe to the world's definition of beauty. This world will try to convince you that your beautiful curly hair needs to be hidden in shame underneath something called a 'weave'. Baby girl, you are going to step into a world, at a time, where being a black girl is extremely challenging; where people will try to convince you that you are less than because you are a black girl. You are going to step into a world that will try to convince you that being proposed a hand in marriage is the single greatest accomplishment you can aspire toward, that alongside mothering a nation, of course. This world will try to convince you to abandon your dreams of becoming President of South Africa or becoming Chief Executive Officer of a multinational corporation. Baby girl, please remember that when you step into this world, you have been raised to be proud of who you are, to love yourself, and to always reach for the stars. Never allow anyone, including myself, to define beauty or happiness for you, my baby. You hear me? Never."

"But mommy, if I am so beautiful, why is it then that all the kids at school make fun of my thick lips?", I asked with a teardrop falling down my face.

"God gave you thick lips, so you could singer better, baby girl. Do you not know that you sing better than all those kids in that school choir? Why do you think your teacher chose you to be the lead singer, and not one of them?", my mom instantly replied.

"Mmmh...okay, but mommy, if I am so beautiful, why is it then that Natasha and the other girls say that I am skinny?", I responded.

"God made you skinny, so you could move through life easier. Let mama tell you a story...when I was your age, kids used to make fun of me because I had some meat on my bones. They used to call me all kinds of names, like "fat". One kid even referred to me as a whale. Can you imagine such a thing? Your mama, a whale?", my mom replied, jovially.

"They did?", I asked in absolute disbelief, "but mommy, you are so beautiful. You are not a whale".

"Aah, thank you, baby girl...I say all of this to say that it does not matter if you are skinny or a bit chubby like mommy is, people will always have something negative to say about your body. I remember a long time ago when black women like Sarah Bartman were ridiculed and ostracized for being blessed with a large behind, curves, big breasts and thick lips. Nowadays, the very people that ridiculed and ostracized black women for our features, are first in line to pay expensive surgeons to inject them with all sorts of stuff like butt and boob implants, as well as lip fillers, and all that mess. God could not give you everything, so He gave you what you could use. Now mama wants you to work with what you got, baby girl. You hear me?"

"Yes, mama", I replied with a content glow on my face.

At the time, I could not fully understand the depth of what was contained in my mother's words, for I was only 9 years old. I did, however, walk away from that conversation feeling that I was the most beautiful and blessed girl in the world to have been blessed with a mother like mine. In hindsight, I am now able to fully comprehend the many lessons that my mother tried to impress upon me. My mother's words were foreshadowing the imminent trajectory of my life as a black woman in a world where black women are at the bottom of the societal 'food chain'. The black woman is the most marginalised and oppressed human being in society. My mother knew this. As a black woman herself, she knew this all too well. I now understand that she was preparing me all along to be able to step into this world self-assured and confident in my worth as a strong black woman.

Basked in my own subconscious naivety, I walked into the world assuming that all black girls were taught the same precious lessons my mother had taught me when I was only 9 years old, and that they had been prepared by their mothers to conquer life in ways that my mother had prepared me. It was not until I enrolled in high school, where I befriended a beautiful and incredibly sweet black girl by the name of Nokuthula, that it dawned on me that my assumption had in fact been terribly false.

Upon discovering that we shared the same clan name and a shared love for all things Beyoncé, it became clear that Nokuthula and I would be inseparable throughout high school. Nokuthula and I shared more than a clan name and a mutual love for Beyoncé, however. Like myself, Nokuthula had been raised by a single mother who struggled to put food on the table. However, unlike myself, Nokuthula always felt that with each passing day, her mother's love and attention became ever so elusive. At the time, I never understood why she felt that way or how it could possibly be true, because once again, basked in my subconscious naivety, I assumed that all black girls received the same love and attention from their mothers, that I had always received from mine.

After two blissful years of friendship, Nokuthula and I had grown increasingly close. Every day, we would walk to and from school together. Every morning, I would always make my way across the street to Nokuthula's home before walking to school together. I always enjoyed my morning strolls to Nokuthula's home because her mother would always greet me with a freshly baked vetkoek accompanied by a smile. This became my blissful routine throughout the year, until one morning. Upon arriving at Nokuthula's home, it became apparent that something had changed. It began to dawn on me that the blissful routine I had been accustomed to, had somehow been rearranged. This time, there was no morning vetkoek accompanied by Ms Velemani's smile. From the kitchen to the living room, the house looked as though it had been struck by a tornado; the atmosphere felt as though it had been plagued by agonising betrayal and animosity. More noticeably, there was no longer a spring in my friend's step as we made our way to school. On our awkwardly silent journey, I remember biting my tongue hoping that she would voluntarily tell me what it was that was clearly bothering her. Out of respect, I had always refrained from poking my nose in other people's personal matters. However, bloated with concern, I was left with no choice but to find out what the matter was.

"Friend, I can tell that you have been crying, and that you need somebody to talk to. What is the matter?"

"It is nothing I cannot handle. Do not worry about me, Thandi.", she replied, while trying her best to stop her bucket full of tears from falling down her puffy eyes.

"As your best friend, it is my job to worry about you, especially when I can see that something is wrong. I cannot nor, will I try to force you to open up to me if you are not ready to. However, I want you to know that when you are ready to talk, I am always here for you, friend."

"I appreciate that a lot. I so badly want to tell you what is going on. I am just afraid.", she said, "please promise not to breathe a word of what I am about to tell you to anyone. Promise me, Thandi!"

"I promise. You have my word".

We then proceeded to wrap our little pinkie fingers around each other, signifying the promise that I had made to her. We still had about 20 good minutes to spare before school commenced, so we stopped by the park, where we sat down on a vacant bench to have one of the most intimate and spine-chilling conversations of my life.

"It is my mother's boyfriend", she uttered, with a sea full of tears rushing down her eyes.

"He...he...he...", she continued as she stuttered in agony mid-sentence.

My natural inclination was to give her a long and gentle hug in the hope that it would calm her enough to be able to finish her sentence. However, she just would not stop crying and chocking up in her speech. As I quickly reached for a bottle of water in my backpack, she blurted out three words that left me feeling utterly mortified and heartbroken for my dear friend.

"He raped me", she told me, "Growing up, he would always touch me inappropriately, and each time I would alert him to how uncomfortable he had made me feel. Each time, he would apologise, yet turn around and do the same thing over and over again. When I was 12 years old, I told my mother, for the first time, that her boyfriend had been touching me inappropriately ever since he moved into the house with us. My mother, seemingly stunned at first, calmly responded by saying that she would have a word with him about it over dinner that night. I was so relieved that I had finally told my mother, because I was convinced that she would kick him out of the house. But that never happened. He justified brushing his hands around my thighs as a way of showing his affection and love for me. He managed to convince both my mother and myself, at the time, that I was simply imagining things. Almost a year later, he continued to make me feel uncomfortable. I recall nights when my mother would work night shifts as a security guard. She would leave me alone in the house with him. Each night, he would crawl into my bed and touch me inappropriately. Every time I would tell my mother, he would somehow convince her that I was having nightmares and that he was merely trying to calm me down and make me feel safe. My mother eventually convinced me that I was overreacting and that her boyfriend was a good man. I believed her. Up until last night that is..."

"Is that when he...?", I asked, with tears rushing down my eyes, as I struggled to finish the sentence.

"Yes. That is when he raped me. My mother was working a night-shift, so I was once again home alone with that man. He started complimenting me on how beautiful I looked...he even said that I looked more beautiful than my mom. I tried to giggle it off, as I attempted to watch an episode of Generations. However, it was not until I noticed him grabbing a seat next to me on the couch, that I started to sense that something was not right. He began to brush his hands around my thighs as he had been doing for years now. Knowing that my mom would dismiss my concerns once again as me 'imagining things', I felt absolutely numb and helpless. He then proceeded to forcibly lift my skirt, at which point I suddenly bit his arm, in retaliation. He warned me that I would regret biting his arm and then angrily pinned me against the couch, pulled out his penis and that is when he forced himself on me. The second I yelled out for help, in the hope that one of the neighbours would hear my desperate cry, he aggressively used his hand to cover my mouth. He then threatened to kill me if I did not stop screaming. Fearing for my life, I stopped. All I could do was cry in silence as he continued to force himself on me for an entire hour. By then I was so numb that all I did was just lay on the floor while he jovially proceeded to grab a beer in the fridge..."

"My friend, here, please drink up", I said, as I offered her a bottle of water. In that moment, I could literally feel her pain rushing through my veins. Every part of me wanted so badly to express my anger in response to the heinous crime that had been committed against my dear friend. But I was quick to recognise that this was not about me. It was about her. My role here was to validate her the best way I knew how, which was by listening to her story.

"Thanks for the water", she said, as she prepared herself emotionally to resume her story.

"While casually sipping his beer, he calmly instructed me to spring clean the living room before my mother's early morning arrival from work. There were blood stains everywhere. Prior to that moment, I had been a proud virgin. Still laying on the floor, numb and weak as can be, the threats he spewed to end my life ran cartwheels in my mind. Fearing for my life, I somehow found the strength to lift myself up and spring clean my own blood, as though I had been the one in the wrong. For hours, he hovered over me like a military general, ensuring that I had not missed a spot. Once the living room was completely spotless, he glanced at me and smiled. It was the most arrogant and self-assured smile I had ever seen in my entire life. He knew that I would not dare to tell anyone because he had threatened my life. He knew that my mother would not believe me over him. He knew that I was trapped. "

"I am so sorry to hear what that pig did to you", I said, sobbing in empathy, "when I arrived this morning, the living room looked as though it had been struck by a tornado. It must have been after you spring cleaned. What happened afterward?"

"Upon my mother's arrival, her boyfriend sat both my mom and I down for what he dubbed to be an 'emergency meeting'. During this meeting, he claimed that I had snuck a boy inside the house and that he walked in on us having sex. Words cannot describe how appalled I was at his blatant lies. As if that was not enough, he went on to claim that I had made sexual advances on him in an attempt to prevent him from ratting me out to my mom. You know what the worst part is, Thandi? It is not that he spewed venomous lies about me; it is not even that he sexually assaulted me. The worst part is that my own mother believed a stranger over her own flesh and blood, time and time again. She swiftly rose from the very same couch where I was assaulted, demanding that I stand up and look her in the eye. She then did the unthinkable – she slapped me across the face, shoved me around the living room, calling me a slut, and accused me of trying to steal her man. I tried to explain to her what really happened, but she was not hearing any of it. I felt so hurt and betrayed by my own mother. In agonising rage, we threw at each other, back and forth, whatever objects we could find, as things quickly spiralled out of control. The boyfriend just stood there and watched as everything escalated. By the time he intervened, both my mother and I had been too worn out to continue fighting. In absolute silence, I sluggishly walked away to my room, where I was able to sneak in a couple of hours' worth of sleep before my daily alarm went off. Before I knew it, it was time to prepare for school. I knew that if I stayed in that house a second longer, someone would have ended up dead."

"We have to go to the police, Nokuthula. That pig cannot get away with what he has done to you. Come, friend, let us go.", I said, as I quickly got up from the bench to march straight to the police station.

"No! You promised not to tell anyone. You promised, Thandi.", she said, with a desperate and petrified look on her face.

"But we have to tell a grown up, friend. We are 16-year olds. There is no way we can deal with this on our own. In fact, we should not have to.", I pleaded with her.

"But if he finds out that I told on him, he will kill me. He will kill me, Thandi.", she blurted out in a petrified state, "my mom already thinks that I am trying to get in between her and her precious boyfriend. If this gets out, she will most probably kick me out of the house and I will end up alone on the streets. I have no one else. She is the only family that I have."

"You are not alone. You have me.", I said, as I held her hand reassuringly. "You know what? Forget going to school today, you are in no emotional or mental state to concentrate anyway. And there is no way I am letting you go back to that house. Get up, you are coming home with me."

"But what about you? I do not want you missing school because of me. Remember, you have an important choir rehearsal today."

"The choir will not collapse just because I am not there. I will call in sick when I get home, do not worry. There is no way I am leaving you to deal with everything on your own."

"I do not know what I did to deserve a friend like you. Thank you so much for listening and just being here for me. I really appreciate it. But what about your mother? I am sure she will have so many questions. How will we explain my sleeping over at your house and us skipping school today?"

"You know my mom loves you as though you were her own daughter. She would not mind having you at our house. We are just going to have to bend the truth a little bit. I will tell her that school came out early today because teachers were busy preparing for the Eisteddfod competition next week. As for why you are sleeping over, I will just tell her that your mom is working one of her night-shifts again and that this time the boyfriend will not be around as well, so you would be left at home, all alone. Everyone knows how dangerous it is for a teenage girl be left home alone in the township at night, so I see no reason why my mom would not buy our story."

"I now hate myself for dragging you into my mess. You hate lying, especially to your mother."

"Nokuthula, listen here. You are more than a friend to me, you are like a sister to me. I would do anything to protect you from that monster, even if it means having to lie to my mother. I got you, you hear me? I got you.", I reassured her, as we hugged each other in a warm embrace, "now let us go home...".

As Nokuthula and I made our way home, hand in hand, a moment of spontaneity came upon us, when we found ourselves singing along to a Destiny's Child song that had been blasting through the speakers of a passing vehicle...

"I am a survivor. I am going to make it. I will survive. I will keep on surviving."

We sang the chorus of that song over and over again until we found ourselves walking through the front gate of my mother's house. The family that my mother worked for, as a maid, were out of town for the week, so I knew that my mother would be at home upon our arrival.

"Girls, did something happen at school? Why are you home so early?", my mother inquired, as soon as we walked through the front door.

I proceeded to feed my mother the scripted tale Nokuthula and I had conjured up. Up until that moment, honesty had always been a cardinal virtue I took great pride in having. Before that moment, I had never told a lie to anyone, least of all to my mother.

"Thandi, my baby, would you be a darling and go buy mama a loaf of brown bread at Charlie's spaza shop?", she asked, "Here's a R50 note. Please buy yourself and my angel here some snacks with the change, alright?"

"Thank you so much, mommy. You are the best!", I replied, donning a jovial smile on my face, "come, friend, let us walk to the shop."

"Do you mind going alone, baby girl? I would like Nokuthula to keep me company while I finish baking these waffles. It is going to give my angel and I enough time to catch up, before you girls disappear on me.", my mother asked, as she flashed a doting smile Nokuthula's way.

"Alright, mom. I will leave the two of you to catch up. Try not to miss me too much", I yelled across the living room, as I made my way to the shop.

"So, tell me, my angel - how have you been?", my mother dotingly asked Nokuthula.

"I have been doing well thanks, Ms Nyati. I can't complain.", Nokuthula replied, as she awkwardly smiled her pain away.

"I am glad to hear that. How is Patricia? I have not seen her in a while."

"Mom is doing well thanks. She is just busy a lot these days, so no one really gets a chance to see her."

"I can imagine. Your mother's line of work can be very demanding at times. I am just so glad that she found love again after all these years of being alone. I have noticed that she has been on cloud nine ever since she met Thulani. From what your mother tells me, he seems to be a good man. I am sure that you are over the moon to have him as a father figure, are you not?"

"Y-e-s...my mom and I could not be happier to have him in our lives", Nokuthula responded in heavily suppressed anguish.

"You know, I remember the day Thandi introduced you to me as her best friend. From that day onward, I have loved you as though you were my own daughter. I have watched you grow up right before my very eyes. As a mother, I know when my children are happy. I know when they are sad. I also know when they are lying."

"Uhm...", Nokuthula stuttered, "how can you tell?'

"Call it a mother's intuition.", my mother smiled dotingly, "now are you going to tell me what is really going on?"

"I am not sure what you are talking about, Ms Nyati. There is nothing going on.", Nokuthula replied, anxiously.

"My angel, are you a liar?"

"No, Ms Nyati. I am not a liar", Nokuthula hurriedly replied with suppressed tears in her eyes.

"Then quit telling lies, baby girl.", my mother swiftly responded, as she rounded up the last batch of waffles.

By the time I arrived back home, I found Nokuthula in a panicked state. Before I could even enter through the front door, she pulled me aside and whispered, "She knows! Your mother knows that we have been lying to her".

"What? How?", I responded, in a state of shock, laced with guilt for having lied to my mother.

"I am not quite sure how, but she knows, Thandi. She went on about something called a mother's intuition. What are we going to do?"

"Okay, calm down. Where is she now?"

"She went inside her bedroom to go freshen up quickly. What are we going to do?", Nokuthula whispered in a panicked tone.

"Let us just calm down and act normal. There is no way my mom knows anything for sure."

"Thandi, you are back.", my mother welcomed me with a smile, "I forgot to remind you to inspect the expiry date of the loaf of bread before purchasing it."

"Do not worry, mom. I made sure that the loaf of bread is fresh and edible for consumption."

"Good girl. Would you and Nokuthula please clear the table for me? The waffles are ready. You girls may then eat all those snacks you bought, afterwards, okay?"

My mother seemed to be in a rather jovial mood, contrary to the mood I had been expecting from what Nokuthula told me.

"These waffles are delicious, mom. You have outdone yourself once again."

"Thandi is right. You are the best baker that I know. Thank you once again for allowing me to spend the night, Ms Nyati."

"You girls are too sweet.", my mother gushed, "you are welcome here anytime, my angel. This is your home, too. Thandi, how are preparations going for your Eisteddfod choir performance next week? Did you not have an important rehearsal today?"

"The choir has been rehearsing very diligently, mom. I am confident that we are going to receive 'first place' on the day. Uhm...yes, we were scheduled to meet during lunch break, but since the school decided to let us out early, Mrs Van Dyk rescheduled our meeting to tomorrow afternoon."

"Oh, is that so? I must be mistaken then, because I just got off the phone with Mrs Van Dyk about a minute ago while I was freshening up in the bedroom. She told me that you had called in sick today, which is why you were not at choir practice. In fact, if memory serves me well, she told me that there are classes currently underway, as we speak."

"Uhm...", Nokuthula and I stuttered anxiously as we exchanged guilty stares across the table.

"Well? Is someone finally going to tell me the truth? What is really going on here?"

"Mom, I...", I stuttered as I choked mid-sentence, "...I do not know what to say. We are so sorry for lying to you. Please do not be mad at us.", I sobbed.

"I am not mad at you, baby girl. I am just disappointed, that is all. I will repeat to you what I said to Nokuthula a little while ago. As a mother, I know when my children are happy. I know when they are sad. I also know when they are lying. From the second you two walked through that door this morning, I could sense that something was terribly wrong. Nokuthula was anxious and withdrawn. You on the other hand, have been wearing a guilty look on your face ever since. Now I am not one to speculate, but my intuition told me that this had something to do with Patricia and Thulani. The petrified and tense look on Nokuthula's face when I mentioned their names earlier on, confirmed it. After my conversation with Nokuthula, I went inside my bedroom to make a phone call to Mrs Van Dyk, who then confirmed my suspicion about you girls lying to me about school breaking early for the day. I had hoped that I would not have to drag the truth out of you two, but clearly you had no intention of telling me the truth, voluntarily. Now, for the last time, what is really going on here? This time it had better be the truth."

Nokuthula and I froze as we continued to exchange guilty stares across the table. I so badly wanted to tell my mother the truth, but I had promised Nokuthula that I would take her secret to the grave. My mother stared into both our eyes, patiently waiting for one of us to open our mouths. The time had come for the truth to be told. But it was not my truth to tell.

"Ms Nyati, this is all my fault.", Nokuthula cried, hysterically, "please do not blame Thandi for any of this. Thandi is not a liar. I am the one who made her lie to you. I made her promise not to tell anyone about what he did to me. I was afraid.", Nokuthula blurted, as she cried in agony.

My mother suddenly jumped out of her chair and wrapped her arms around Nokuthula in a consoling embrace, with tears rushing down her face, as though she had somehow known what Nokuthula was about to confess.

"I need you to talk to me, my angel. I need you to tell me everything.", my mother pleaded with her in a desperate tone, as she protectively squeezed Nokuthula tight around her arms.

While my mother continued to wrap her arms around Nokuthula in a protective embrace, I rushed to get Nokuthula a glass of water, knowing that it would help calm her down. Upon quickly downing the glass of water, Nokuthula started to relax a bit. In that moment, she entrusted my mother with her spine-chilling and heart-breaking story.

Upon listening to her story, my mom instructed me to make Nokuthula a strong cup of herbal tea, while she hurriedly stepped inside her bedroom to make a phone call. My mother wore on her face a look that I had never before seen on her. It was a fierce look that resembled that of a lioness on a deadly mission to protect her cub.

"Detective Khumalo, this is Florence Nyati speaking. I need you to come over to the house immediately. It is a matter of life and death. Oh, and you might want to bring back up, because things are about to get ugly."

My mother quickly emerged from her room donning the same fierce look she wore on her face when she had entered.

"Thandi, I need you to stay here with Nokuthula, alright? Detective Khumalo is on his way. Please make sure that he takes Nokuthula's statement, while I am gone."

"My angel.", mom said to Nokuthula, "You are a very strong and brave girl, you hear me? I need you to tell Detective Khumalo everything you just told me, and do not leave anything out. I will be back shortly."

"Where are you going?", Nokuthula and I anxiously asked, in the same breath.

"Mama has to take care of something quickly. I will be right back".

Those were the last words my mother spoke as she fiercely walked out of the house. She then made her way to a very dangerous, crime-infested part of the neighbourhood, where she found herself on the doorstep of someone she vowed she would never again breath the same air as for as long as she lived.

"Kumkani, I need your help.", my mother said, with a stone cold look on her face.

"Bloody hell, woman. You have some nerve showing your face here after all these years.", he replied, "what makes you think I would do anything to help you anyway?"

"Listen here, it pains me more than it pains you to even breath the same air as your sorry ass, but what brings me here is bigger than our differences. Now, shut up and listen to what I want you to do.", my mother commanded, as she waltzed her way through his front door, "there is a child raping pig roaming the streets and I want you to teach him a lesson he will never forget. His name is Thulani Maseko – Patricia's man. The police are probably on their way to arrest his sorry ass as we speak, so if all goes well he should be in a local holding cell by this evening. Now here is where you come in – I want you to use your contacts in the underworld to castrate his manhood and rough him up a bit."

"Florence, Florence, Florence", he said in a stunned and condescending tone, "in all the years that I have known you, I never once thought that I would see such a calculating and evil side to you. I guess being married to me all those years rubbed off on you after all."

"You are a spineless, good-for-nothing lowlife criminal who would sooner chew off his right thumb before being present in his own daughter's life. The fact that you did not even bother asking whether or not Thandi is the child that got raped by that pig, proves my point."

"You can act holier than thou all you like, sweetheart. The fact that you are enlisting my help proves that you are no different from me. Is it not ironic how you divorced me immediately after finding out that your 'perfect husband' was in fact a lowlife gangster, only to find ourselves here a decade later? What a full circle moment", he replied with a smug look on his face.

"You are right. I am no saint. My coming here, enlisting your help indeed makes me no different from you in that regard. But see, unlike you, I would do anything to protect the people that I love. In fact, the only reason I am resorting to such measures, is to protect and to avenge someone I happen to love very much, not that I am expecting you to understand the meaning of the word, "l-o-v-e". You see, unlike you, I would never choose a crime-infested life laced with herpes-infected tramps over my own flesh and blood.", my mother replied, with a self-assured smirk look on her face, "now I want this job done and dusted before midnight, understood? And you had better make sure that nothing leads back to me, or so help me God, I am coming for you."

"You...come for me?", my father burst out in condescending laughter, "do not make me laugh. You are nothing, but an ex-gangster's wife turned wanna-be criminal kingpin."

"Is that so?", my mother replied, still donning a smirk look on her face, "I would not underestimate me if I were you. I know things. Remember those four drug dealers you killed back in the day? Not only is Kumkani Sibenya a drug dealer, but he is a murderer too, and I have got the receipts to prove it – pictures, video clips, you name it. Now I am sure that the police would appreciate an anonymous tip off on all those cold cases, do you not think?"

"You would not dare!", he hurriedly responded in a petrified yet threatening tone.

"Try me, bitch!", my mother exclaimed in a self-assured tone, "and if you dare send anyone to come after me or my family, you would be wise to keep in mind that I have entrusted someone with clear instructions on what to do with those receipts, should anything happen to me."

"Fine. You win!", he said, acknowledging that he had been outsmarted, "the job will be done by midnight, as per your request. Happy now?"

"Delighted!", mom replied, still donning a smirk look on her face, "oh, and by the way, you got it twisted. I did not divorce you because you were a thug. I dropped your sorry ass because you were a lousy husband and a deadbeat sorry excuse for a father. ", my mom concluded, as she confidently waltzed out of the house, leaving my father with an emasculated and astonished look on his face.

"Hey, baby girls", my mother yelled, as she walked through the front door, "Detective, hi. I am glad I caught you. Please tell me that you have arrested that animal."

"Florence, good day. My men managed to arrest him, just as he was about to flee through the backdoor of Patricia's house. I am told that he was thrown inside a jail cell about 10 minutes ago, which is where he will be awaiting his bail-hearing."

"Good. I hope they lock him up and throw away the key. Thank you so much for coming so speedily and for keeping my girls safe, while I was gone. I really appreciate it, Thabo. With you on the case, I am confident that Thulani will never rape anyone ever again", my mother responded with an enigmatic smile on her face, as though she had known something that we all did not.

"I am just doing my job, Florence. Besides, you are a dear friend and a well-respected member of the community. When you called, I had no choice but to drop everything to attend to this matter at once. However, given how tense you sounded over the phone, I was surprised to not find you at home, upon my arrival. Where were you? Thandi just told me that you said you had something urgent to take care of."

"Yes, I had a very urgent matter to attend to. I was roaming around town looking for a good lawyer to represent Nokuthula in court. Unfortunately, all the highly recommended lawyers in town are too expensive for my maid's salary to be able to afford.", my mom replied, in a very convincing tone.

"You need not worry yourself about hiring an expensive lawyer, Florence. The state will provide free legal representation for Nokuthula. Besides, Nokuthula's statement is strong enough to ensure that we lock that bastard away for a very long time. I would like to see Thulani's hotshot lawyer try to worm his client out of this one. It will be highly unlikely."

"Well then, you have just put my mind at ease.", my mom said, as she sighed a sigh of relief, "Tell me, Thabo, when your men arrested Thulani at Patricia's house, was she present?"

"Yes, she was. In fact, she was the one who helped him almost escape through the backdoor, because when my men first inquired about his whereabouts, she claimed that he was not inside the house and that she had no idea of his whereabouts. "

"That woman is an embarrassment to all women and mothers out there. A real piece of work that Patricia is. Surely for protecting a wanted criminal and for lying to police officials, she can be charged with obstruction of justice, can she not?"

"No!", Nokuthula, exclaimed in a petrified tone, before Detective Khumalo could respond to my mother's question.

"What is the matter, my angel?", mom asked.

"If they lock my mother away, who will take care of me? Where will I stay?", she cried hysterically, "I do not want to end up on the streets. She may be a horrible parent, but she is the only family I have left after my dad died."

"Listen here, baby girl. Remember what I always keep telling you – this is your home, too. You will always have a place to stay here. I would not just sit by and watch as you end up on the streets. Now I know that you love your mother, my angel, but your mother is not fit to be a parent right now. She is not in the right frame of mind. What sane mother would allow a man to hurt her baby right under her nose, while continuously turning a blind eye to it for years on end? I want to protect you, my angel. We all do. It is clear that your mother's allegiance is with her boyfriend, which should not bother you, because you are not alone. Thandi and I love you very much and we want what is best for you, alright? We will never let anything bad happen to you ever again. If you want to come live with us, just say the word and I will get a pro-bono lawyer to draw up the paperwork and file for a court order granting me legal guardianship. If, however, you do not want to move in with us, that is also fine. I will then arrange with social workers to have you move in with another family, or in an orphanage. The decision is entirely yours, baby girl. What I will not allow is for you to move back in with that woman, because she has proven time and time again that she does not have your best interests at heart. So, what will it be, my angel?"

"Are you sure that you guys would not mind if I moved in with you?", Nokuthula asked as she glanced my way.

"Absolutely not, friend. You are already a sister to me, and practically a second daughter to my mom. Your moving in with us is just a formality", I replied, as I reached over to give her a warm embrace of reassurance.

"There you have it then", my mother smiled, "Thabo, would you please help me get in touch with social workers and a state legal defence team? If we are going to do this, I want to make sure that we do it properly."

"I am on it, Florence. I know just the people to talk to", he replied, "oh, and to answer your previous question, yes. My men were forced to detain Nokuthula's mother after she got physical with a police officer, in addition to obstructing the course of justice by covering for a wanted criminal."

"How do you feel about that, baby girl?", my mother dotingly asked Nokuthula.

"You did the right thing, Detective.", Nokuthula replied, "I do not want anything to do with that woman. From today onwards, she is as good as dead to me. She sat by and watched as her boyfriend sexually assaulted me, pretending to be oblivious to what was going on. For years, she convinced me that I was imagining things. She made me feel as though being molested from the time I was 10 years old and raped by the age of 16 somehow was all my fault. She was not there for me when I needed her most. She can join her lover and they can both rot in jail for all I care."

"Thabo, after all you have done, I really feel that we have taken up so much of your time already, but I need you to do me one last favour. Would you please drive us to the hospital across the street from the Post Office? I want Nokuthula to undergo a full medical evaluation to make sure that she gets all the medical attention she needs, and while we are there, I want to book her a few sessions with Dr Booi, who is a residential psychologist at the hospital."

"No problem, Florence. We can leave whenever you guys are ready. Let me just text my wife to inform her not to wait up for me this evening."

"You are a darling to be kept, Thabo. Please send my regards to her. Oh, and tell Dineo that I am taking her out to coffee tomorrow morning to apologise for hogging her husband all day.", she told Detective Khumalo, "Come on, girls. Grab your coats and let us go.", mom said as we made our way out of the house.

Upon receiving a full medical evaluation, Nokuthula was fortunately cleared of all sexually transmitted diseases. By crack of dawn, news of Thulani's prison assault and ultimate castration had spread like wildfire throughout the neighbourhood, resulting in the subsequent rejoice of many as people felt that justice for Nokuthula had been served. Thulani's castration seemed to have signalled a strong warning to rapists in our neighbourhood, because following Thulani's castration, fewer reports of sexual assault against women and children, were filed.

In the court of public opinion, Thulani was forever shamed and shunned by the community. In the court of law, however, Thulani received a mere 3-year prison sentence, eligible for parole, on top of that. Unlike Nokuthula and I, my mother did not seem at all surprised by the lenient verdict the Judge had ruled in Thulani's sentencing. In hindsight, I now completely understand what my mother meant when she told me that as black women, we find ourselves at the bottom of the societal food chain. As women of colour, we indeed are the most marginalised and oppressed human beings in society. As a black woman herself, my mother knew this all too well. Perhaps my mother had a premonition about the court's disgraceful ruling. That would in part explain why she saw it necessary to take matters into her own hands in obtaining justice for Nokuthula's pain and suffering. As for Nokuthula's mom, the court ordered that she be stripped away of all legal and parental rights to Nokuthula. The court's ruling in the matter paved the way for my mother to be able to legally adopt Nokuthula as her own.

At this point in time, it has been two years since the whole nightmare took place. I have never been one to believe in old adages, but there was one that proved undeniably true. Time indeed does heal all wounds. With each passing day, Nokuthula is re-gaining her emotional strength and confidence as a young black woman. With each passing day, Nokuthula is re-learning how to love herself. With each passing day, Nokuthula is re-learning how to forgive the past and everybody in it. At this point in time, Nokuthula and I have just graduated from high school, with no less than five distinctions, each. Our mother is so incredibly proud, especially of the fact that both Nokuthula and I received full tertiary education scholarships. In just a month's time, Nokuthula and I are set to embark, hand in hand, on our journey to independence as we explore the world on our own as young adults.

# CHAPTER 2: AGAINST ALL ODDS

"You girls have made mama so incredibly proud.", mom said, as she gushed, dotingly, "you have grown into beautiful, intelligent, and mature young ladies. Raising you girls has been the source of my greatest pride and joy. I will not say much, but I will say this. As you leave my sight, remember one thing – you have been raised. Do not allow the world to un-raise you. Mama loves you very much, my angels", our mother concluded, as she kissed and hugged us goodbye at the airport.

Prior to that moment, Nokuthula and I had never boarded an aeroplane. As a matter of fact, we had never set foot outside of the sheltered neighbourhood we grew up in. There was an entire world out there that awaited us. Nokuthula and I were beside ourselves with excitement at the prospect of exploring the great unknown.

The first few weeks proved to be extremely challenging, as Nokuthula and I both struggled to keep up with the workload of our university modules. It quickly dawned on us that the safety net and predictability that high school represented had not been transferred to the university experience. Fearing that we would forfeit our respective scholarships, if we failed a single module, Nokuthula and I buried ourselves in our textbooks. Before we knew it, the first two months of our university experience had flown by.

"That is it. I have had it!", I exclaimed, in frustration, as I threw my pen on my study desk, "do you realise that ever since we got here, all we have been doing is attending lectures, tutorials, and consultations with our lecturers?"

"Well...that is what we came here for, is it not?", Nokuthula responded, in a bewildered tone.

"I know. I know.", I sighed, in exasperation, "but there must be more to the life of a student than being buried in books all day. Remember when we used to play in the park growing up? We used to have so much fun. I refuse to believe that the bank of fun is bankrupt."

"I hear you, Thandi, and I promise you that we are going to do something fun together as soon as I am done with my essay. Alright?", Nokuthula responded, "in fact, how about we go to the mall? We can window shop all hour long."

"You are not hearing me, Nokuthula", I sighed, "You and I have been to the mall before. Window shopping is nothing new, and it is certainly a far cry from exciting. I want to explore new things and new places on campus and around the city. Earlier in the day, Maxwell mentioned something about a huge party taking place tonight. He said that everyone who is anyone is going to be there. He even offered to hook us up with free tickets, but I had to turn him down, because we are always busy. Can we please go, Nokuthula? Pretty please. Just one night of fun. One night away from it all. What do you say?"

"Okay. Okay. You win", she responded, donning a smile on her face, "But we are coming straight back home before midnight. Deal?"

"Deal! You will not regret it.", I rejoiced as I rushed to give Nokuthula a big hug, "We are going to have so much fun. Maxwell said that there are going to be celebrity-studded live performances from Shekinah to Babes Wodumo. You will not believe who else is going to be performing tonight – your high school celebrity crush!", I revealed, excitedly.

"What?! Emtee is going to be there?", Nokuthula responded in overwhelmed excitement, "OMG! Thandi, what are we going to wear? My first-time meeting Emtee cannot be when I am wearing my unflattering old rags.", she responded anxiously.

"If only we could afford to go shopping for new outfits.", I sighed momentarily, "...wait a minute, remember those Easter dresses mom made for us last year?"

"Yes..."

"I have an idea.", I said, pensively.

In that desperate moment, I remembered a conversation I once had with my mother when I was 9 years old.

"God could not give you everything, so He gave you what you could use. Now mama wants you to work with what you got, baby girl. You hear me?", those were the words my mother spoke to me exactly 10 years ago. In that moment, I had a creative stroke of genius. Growing up poor, my mother often could not afford to buy Nokuthula and I expensive clothes on her maid's salary, so she made all our outfits from scratch. "You better watch me, baby girl. Sewing is a good skill to have. One day it will come in handy.", my mother said. Boy, was she right. Having observed my mother all these years, I was confident in my ability to be able to make new outfits from scratch. Using the material from our old Easter dresses, I was able to transform our modest church dresses into red carpet-ready couture gowns.

"OMG!", Nokuthula exclaimed in astonishment, when she saw the newly improved gowns, "You are a miracle worker. If I did not know any better, I would swear that these are Versace gowns."

"I guess a pair of scissors, a sewing kit, and a little creativity can go a long way.", I responded, donning a satisfied smile on my face.

"Hey, ladies! What is going on? What is happening?", Maxwell asked, as he entered inside the house.

"Hey, friend. I hope your invitation to attend tonight's party still stands, because Nokuthula and I have changed our minds.", I said, anxiously hoping that it was not too late, "...if you have already given the tickets away, we will totally understand."

"I actually just gave them away to my boyfriend to pass on to a few of his friends", he said, as Nokuthula and I donned disappointed looks on our faces, "quit looking so gloomy. It is a good thing that they are gone. I just found out that I had been given general tickets. Imagine! The reason I came back actually was to charge my phone quickly, so that I can call in a favour to get my man and I all-access VIP tickets. Now that I know my two favourite housemates are joining me, I will be sure to hook you girls up with VIP treatment as well."

"You are the best housemate ever! Thank you so much!", Nokuthula rejoiced, "I cannot wait to witness Emtee performing live!"

"With your VIP ticket, you are guaranteed to get way more than that, my friend.", Maxwell said, "your ticket affords you the opportunity of dinning at the VIP table, where Emtee and all the other A-listers will be seated. Plus, you will get to mingle with him at Casper's after-party."

"Get out of here! That is insane!", Nokuthula rejoiced in total shock, "Maxwell, get about the business of charging that phone of yours. Thandi, come, let us quickly do our hair. We do not have time to waste. Oh, and Thandi, change of plans – assuming the after-party is after midnight, we need not return home beforehand, anymore."

"For someone who did not seem all too keen on this party a little while ago, you sure are excited.", I teased.

"Where did you buy these gorgeous gowns? Absolutely exquisite! They must have cost an arm and a leg.", Maxwell said, in awe of the dresses.

"You will not believe it. Thandi made them herself actually just a few minutes ago.", Nokuthula gushed.

"So, let me get this right – you are a straight A student; drop-dead gorgeous; got the cooking skills of Jamie Oliver, and now you are a seamstress? Are you sure you are not an alien sent here to torture us mere mortals?", Maxwell teased, "oh and by the way, do not worry yourselves about hair and make-up. There is this guy I know who owns a beauty salon not too far from here. He owes me a favour. One call and his glam squad will be knocking on the door any minute now."

I remember when Nokuthula and I first arrived on campus – we felt so lost and out of place. We knew no one in the big city, and as I recall, we even got lost a couple of times before eventually finding our way around. Upon our arrival, Nokuthula and I struggled to find the house that we had been allocated. Our pleas for assistance with directions were blatantly ignored, as people stared at us with disgust for having had the nerve to even approach them. Perhaps it was because Nokuthula and I did not wear weaves or make-up, we thought. Perhaps it was because we did not wear designer labels. Nokuthula and I were incredibly bewildered by the apparent lack of ubuntu. Nothing made sense. But one thing was clear – there was a pompous scent in the air everywhere we turned. Just as I was starting to believe that the bank of ubuntu was bankrupt, out of nowhere came along a kind and handsome young man, asking if we needed directions.

"You ladies seem lost", he observed, "Hi. My name is Maxwell. Would you like directions to wherever you are going?"

"Thank God!", I exclaimed, in total gratitude, "yes, we are lost. Here is the address we are looking for. Do you know where we can find this house? My name is Thandi, by the way. This is my sister, Nokuthula. We are new in town."

"It is my absolute pleasure to make your acquaintance, ladies. Not only do I know where this house is, but you are looking at someone who has been living in it for the past couple of years. Are you by any chance the new housemates I have been expecting?"

That was the day Nokuthula and I met Maxwell, who has since been a loving brother and a loyal friend to Nokuthula and I. On campus, he is what you would call a 'social butterfly'. He is very well connected, and comes from one of the most prominent and influential black families on the African continent.

At this point in time, Maxwell, Nokuthula and I were all glammed up and ready to go. We had just been waiting for Maxwell's boyfriend to come pick us up. Upon arriving at the party, we made our grand entrance to a brand-new Beyoncé song that could not have been more befitting of the moment...

"We came to slay, bitch. You know we do not play.", we sang along, as 'Formation' blasted through the surround-sound system.

The venue looked breathtakingly spectacular, and the guests all looked as though they had jumped out of a Vogue magazine. Never in our wildest dreams did Nokuthula and I ever dream that we would one-day rub shoulders with A-list celebrities. Thanks to Maxwell's kind and generous invitation, we would now have a story to tell upon our return home for the June Holiday.

Rocking our baby-hairs and afros, Nokuthula and I were determined to show those pompous, weave-wearing girls that one could look just as gorgeous, donning one's natural hair. The reason Nokuthula and I were so determined to make that statement is that prior to that evening, Nokuthula and I had faced enormous criticism on campus for not straightening out our hair. It dawned on us that being unique was considered to be a vile impurity. It became clear to us that our definition of beauty did not equate to the world's definition. To us, our natural hair was gorgeous.

Feeling as though we had been on trial for failing to subscribe to the world's definition of beauty, I pensively recalled a conversation I once had with my mother 10 years ago, "This world will try to convince you that your beautiful curly hair needs to be hidden in shame underneath something called a 'weave'.", she said, "Never allow anyone, including myself, to define beauty or happiness for you, my baby. You hear me? Never." Empowered by our mother's words of wisdom, Nokuthula and I sashayed our way around the venue, while donning an aura of confidence that exuded the very definition of "black girl magic".

"Is it just me or has that hot guy over there been checking you out ever since we got here?", Nokuthula gushingly pointed out, "oops, don't look now, it seems as though Romeo is making his way here right this very moment..."

"Oh, no!", I nervously exclaimed, "what am I going to say, Nokuthula? You know I always get nervous around boys."

"How about you say nothing and just listen to what he has to say?", she gushingly teased.

"Get ready, here he comes.", she whispered in my direction, "come with me boys, let us give our girl here a little privacy...", she continued, as she steered Maxwell and his boyfriend away to the mini-bar.

"Hi there, beautiful.", he greeted in a seductively deep voice, "I hope your friends did not leave on my account."

"Hey...not at all.", I blushed, as I tried to refrain from staring deeply into his beautiful brown eyes.

"I could not help but notice your bright ray of sunshine as soon as you waltzed through that door. I just had to come over to thank you for gracing us with your majestic beauty and breath-taking aura. My name is Siya, by the way."

"You are far too sweet.", I gushed, as I could literally feel my cheeks burning up, "My name is Thandi. Pleased to meet you."

"The pleasure is all mine, princess.", he replied, as he gently kissed my left hand, "I cannot help but notice that your glass is empty. Would you like a refill?"

"No, thanks. Tonight, is my first night consuming alcohol. I am afraid that I will leave all my morals on the floor if I were to order a second cocktail.", I giggled.

"Not only are you breathtakingly beautiful, but you are self-aware and responsible, too...", he said, "I am intrigued...", he continued, as he gazed into my eyes, as though I were the only girl in the room.

Siya had a slick tongue that saw me helplessly hanging on his every word. I did not know much about him at the time, but I had every intention of rectifying that.

"So, tell us, who is Romeo, and what is his story?", Nokuthula asked excitedly, as they cornered me in the cocktail lounge, "we want to know everything!"

"Well...", I gushed pensively, "his name is Siya Radebe. He is the most charming man I have ever met, you guys. In the couple of hours that we spent together, he blatantly ignored the plethora of girls that were shamelessly hitting on him, as he only had eyes for yours truly."

"OMG! That is so exciting. So, where is he now? We would like to meet him.", Nokuthula replied, excitedly.

"He just left, about a minute ago. His personal assistant called about a work crisis.", I responded, "but he did ask me out on a date tomorrow evening, so you guys will get a chance to meet him when he stops by the house to pick me up."

"He has a personal assistant?", Nokuthula astonishingly asked, "I thought he was one of those postgraduate students from upper campus. What does he do for a living?"

"Siya Radebe is only the new CEO of one of the most iconic record labels ever to grace our African soil.", Maxwell interjected, "he just inherited his family's music empire a few weeks ago, making him one of the country's most sought after eligible bachelors. As a matter of fact, he is the one who threw this whole party, to celebrate owning the keys to the kingdom."

"No way! This was his party?", I exclaimed in total shock, "he just told me that he works in music. He never mentioned that he is practically music royalty!"

"This is so exciting! My sister bagged herself a date with a young, hot music mogul.", Nokuthula rejoiced.

"No, no, no, no, no...this is not going to work", I exclaimed anxiously, "I have no business dating one of the richest men in the country. I am just a first-year student from the township. We come from completely opposite ends of the earth. What if he asked me out thinking that we are from the same social circle? This is a total mess!"

"Calm down, Thandi. You are being ridiculous. You had the guy mesmerized from the second you walked in here. Besides, were you not the one who just said that he could barely take his eyes off you? He clearly likes you, otherwise he would not have spent two whole hours at his own party, gazing into your eyes. Who cares that you two are from completely different social circles? If you are that worried that it will be a deal breaker for him then you can talk about it over dinner tomorrow evening. All that I am saying is that you are jumping the gun here – just give him a chance. Go on your date tomorrow evening and enjoy yourself. Besides, you are the one who kept on nagging me about wanting to explore new things, so here is the great unknown staring you right in the face – it is time for you to explore romance."

"You had better listen to your sister, because she is right.", Maxwell said, "you are a remarkably beautiful girl. You are not 'less than' because you do not come from a rich family. As a matter of fact, I would say the complete opposite is true. You are 'more than', because you do not come from a rich family. Let us face it, coming from a wealthy family easily opens doors for you, like inheriting the family empire, as in Siya's case. Coming from a wealthy family, myself, I am all too aware of the privileges that come with it, trust me. The fact that you have studied your way out of the township to qualify for a full scholarship, so that you can use that scholarship to finance your aspirations of becoming a self-made black woman, is highly commendable. I want you to be proud of that."

"Thank you, so much, you guys. You are both right. I cannot believe that I allowed my infatuation over a boy to dim my self-confidence. I guess I was taken a bit off guard by everything. I just hope that he does not think that I am some sort of opportunist or gold-digger when I tell him the truth about my background."

The evening that had given me beautiful nightmares at night and butterflies throughout the day, had finally come. Like a perfect gentleman, Siya arrived on time to pick me up for our date. To my surprise, he remembered that I had mentioned to him how much I loved sunflowers. Not only did he come baring a beautiful bouquet, but Siya also brought along with him two fancy boxes of chocolates for Nokuthula and Maxwell. Stunned at how thoughtful he had been, Nokuthula and Maxwell took an immediate liking to him.

Words cannot begin to express how magical that evening was. The best way to describe it would be to equate it to a page taken out of a fairy-tale book, or to a beautiful love song that knew no ending.

"No man has ever done for me what you have just done, Siya. Thank you so much for treating me like a princess. This is my very first time going on a date, you know...and I could not have asked for a better date to share this moment with."

"But I am the one who is truly blessed here. Not many men can boast about having met an angel. Thanks to you, my dear, I now know exactly what it is like to finally meet an angel in person."

"I am flattered that you see an angel in me, because I was raised to believe that I am one. I remember when I first arrived in the big city, I felt as though my angel wings had been clipped by the curse of the standard, which I could never live up to. You see, Siya, I am not like most of the girls that roam these streets, nor do I have any aspiration of being like them. I come from a poor family; were it not for my scholarship, I would not even be here; oh, and I would sooner chew off my left hand before wearing those Brazilian weaves that have girls' scalps smelling like horse ass."

"Are you done?", he asked, "Now it is my turn to talk. When I first saw you, I had to pinch myself just to check that I had not been dreaming. Watching you command the room so effortlessly with your breath-taking aura, I pensively thought to myself, 'oh my...that is my dream.' Last night, as I was tossing around, anxiously awaiting this evening with you, I had the most magical dream that any man could ever have. You know why? Because you were the only woman present in my sweetest dream. Your family background, whether rich or poor, is a part of your identity, and so is your beautiful natural hair. As I find myself lost in these beautiful brown eyes of yours, I have every intention of loving every part of your identity..."

That man's slick tongue had me weak at the knees as I found myself melting on the floor, helplessly hanging on to his every word. Could I have been falling crazy in love? In a desperate attempt to quickly stop myself from salivating in awe of his mesmerizing voice, I found myself interjecting his speech by swiftly moving on to a conversation that would not require me to get my head examined.

"So, my friend, Maxwell tells me that you are some big shot CEO.", I interjected, "what exactly is it that you do?"

"I would not want to bore you with the details of my job description, especially on such a wonderful night.", he responded, "text me after your last lecture tomorrow, so I can pick you up. I'll give you a personal tour of the company. That way you will be able to see for yourself what it is that I do for a living. Would you like that?"

"I would like that very much.", I smiled.

The following day, Siya walked by my side, hand in hand, as he introduced me to a few of his subordinates. He gave me a personal tour of the entire company, as he had promised. The ultimate highlight of the tour was being afforded the once in a lifetime opportunity to meet and even record a duet with one of my favourite local artists – the incredibly talented Lira.

"OMG! Is that who I think it is?!", I asked, in jaw-dropping astonishment, as Siya gave me a tour of his recording studios.

"If you are thinking it is Lira, then you are right.", he replied, "she is currently wrapping up her new album with her producer."

"OMG! You better hold me, because I think that I am about to collapse!", I exclaimed, in a state of disbelief, "I cannot believe that I am only ten feet away from my idol. I cannot wait to hear her new music! I am sure it is going to sound as amazing as her previous work, if not better. I had no idea she was on your roster."

"It seems as though Ms Lira and her producer are going to have to take a miniature break, because I am about to introduce her to her biggest fan."

Overwhelmed with excitement at the prospect of meeting my idol, but also overcome with crippling nervousness, Siya took my hand and introduced me to Lira. My encounter with her was definitely a moment that I would never forget for as long as I lived. Overcome with emotion, I found myself soaked in tears of joy as I fangirled so hard that I could barely contain myself.

"You have no idea how much I adore you! Your music has been the soundtrack to my entire life. You are a living legend!"

"You are the sweetest thing ever! I am extremely humbled that you listen to my music. Do you by any chance happen to have a favourite song?"

"I love every single one of your songs, but if I had to pick an all-time favourite, I would pick 'Feel Good'. That was the song I sang when I successfully auditioned to be the lead singer in my high school choir."

"You sing?", she astonishingly reacted, "Since we are already in the studio, how about we record an acapella duet of the song? It sure beats the autograph I was going to give you."

Recording with Lira was nothing short of a dream come true.

"WOW!", she exclaimed in awe, "You have the voice of an angel! If I did not know any better, I would swear that I was singing a duet with Beyoncé herself. Your vibrato is insane. Not to mention your vocal control – flawless! Siya, is she new on your roster?"

"Up until a few minutes ago, I had no idea she could even sing.", Siya reacted in amazement, "I was just giving her a tour of the building."

Blown away by my vocal ability, Siya swiftly called his Head of A&R down to the studio to listen to my duet with Lira. Without wasting any time, Siya offered to sign me to his label, right on the spot.

"I am incredibly humbled that you think I am talented enough to make your company some money, but I do not think I will be able to balance my studies with a demanding music career. My course alone is chowing me as it is."

"Do not worry – your studies will always take first preference. I promise that you will have complete control and flexibility over your time. You can pop inside the studio to record your music whenever you are free. Should you not have time to write your own material, I can introduce you to some amazing songwriters. I just spoke to my Head of A&R, and we are willing to sign you to a R2.5 million contract, over two studio albums. What do you say?"

"R2.5 million?!", I exclaimed in astonishment, "That is a lot of money! Provided all of this will not interfere with my studies, I see no harm in getting paid for doing what I love."

"Is that a yes?", he desperately asked.

"Yes. However, on one condition – I get to write my own music. I want my music to articulate the story of my life."

My mother always taught me that my story resembles that of an incomplete memoir, and that as the author of that memoir, I was solely responsible for defining my narrative, as well as for any edits I would certainly make along the way. Overcome with joy and gratitude as I was at the lucrative opportunity I had just been afforded, I was not about to allow some ghost-writer to define my narrative, on my behalf.

"Of course, you can write your own songs. Being a singer-songwriter is a rare combination in the music industry these days. That is actually a very smart request because song-writing is where the real money is at in this industry. Writing your own songs will allow you to own all the rights to your songs. At this point, I am willing to agree to basically anything you want, if it gets you to sign on that dotted line. You are a rare and unique talent. There is no way we are allowing you to slip through our fingers."

"Thank you all so much for this once in a lifetime opportunity. But before I commit myself to anything, I would like to make an important phone call. It will only take a minute."

Keen as I was to sign on that dotted line, no final decision would be made before consulting my mother. I could not wait to get her on the phone, so that I could tell her the exciting news.

"Hi, mommy. You will not believe what I am about to tell you.", I began the conversation, as I proceeded to tell her everything that led up to that moment. Her initial concerns pertained to how I had planned on balancing my books and a music career on the side.

"All of this sounds too good to be true, my baby. How well do you know this Siya guy? Are you sure he is someone you can trust?"

"I know, mama. It took me a while to wrap my head around it, too. In fact, the reality of it all still has not fully sunk in yet. But I trust Siya with my life, mom. He has been nothing but kind to me. He would not do anything to hurt me."

"It is just that you and your sister are out there in the big city all alone, with no one to protect you. I worry about you girls. There are people in this world who will not think twice about taking advantage of you."

"I know you worry about us, mom, but I keep telling you that you do not have to. Nokuthula and I have Maxwell, who has been a protective big brother to us since we got here. We are not alone, mom. Do you remember what you said to me when I was only 9-years old?", I asked, pensively, "you told me that the day would come for me to step into the world on my own. You then instructed me to always reach for the stars. That is exactly what I am doing, mom. I need you to trust that you have raised me well enough to be able to make wise decisions."

"Oh, my baby.", mom sobbed, "I spoke those words indeed to prepare you for the world. The only person I neglected to prepare in the process was myself. You have grown up so quickly. I knew that this day would eventually come, but I had no idea that it would arrive so soon. One of the hardest and most challenging things about being a parent is learning to recognise when it is time to let go. From the very day you were born, right throughout your teenage years, I have served somewhat of a managerial role in your life. However, now that you are out there on your own, carving your own path, I now realize that an imminent shift from manager to consultant, has to take place. Thank you, my baby, for consulting me before reaching a final decision. It means more to me than you could ever know. You have always had a good head over your shoulders. I am so incredibly proud of the young lady you have turned out to be. As for your new venture in the music industry, I would be lying if I said that I did not see this coming. I remember the first time I ever heard you sing. You were probably around 6-years old. I was completely blown away by that sweet angelic voice of yours. From that day onward, I knew that you would one day bless the world with your angelic voice. I truly believe that you are well prepared to meet this moment of opportunity. Not only do I want you to meet this moment, but I want you to exceed it. Moving forward, I want you to own every moment of every opportunity that comes your way."

"It warms my heart to hear you say those words, mom. Thank you so much for your trust in me. I promise that I will not allow my music career to deter me from obtaining my degree. I plan on doing everything in my power to make you proud of me, mom."

"Oh, but my baby, is there still anything left to do? Mama is already so incredibly proud of her sweet angel."

Receiving that stamp of approval from my mother was the affirmation I desperately needed to be able to own that moment of opportunity. Upon browsing through the contract, I swiftly proceeded to sign on the dotted line.

"You have just made me the happiest music executive in the world!", Siya exclaimed, as he jovially held me in an ecstatic embrace, "I cannot wait to catapult your career to monumental success. All we need is a hit single to introduce you to the world as this year's breakthrough songbird."

"I do not know what I am most excited by – the fact that I am going to be recording my own songs for the world to hear, or the fact that I am going to be spending more time with you.", I jovially responded.

"Inasmuch as I was desperate to sign you because of your angelic voice, I would be lying if I said that my decision was not at all influenced by the beautiful prospect of us working together", he said, "I have every intention of making the most of the precious time we spend together."

"Music to my ears.", I gushed, "Would you mind driving me back home? I would take a taxi, but it is rather late in the evening..."

"Not at all. But what is the rush?"

"Although I would love to spend more time with you, I just cannot wait to tell Nokuthula and Maxwell the great news. They are going to freak out!"

"Oh yes, of course. It had completely skipped my mind that you have not yet shared with your friends the exciting news. How about we all go out to dinner tonight? My treat! I am sure that they will agree with me when I say that your multi-million-rand music contract calls for a celebration. While we are at it, it will give me a chance to get to know your friends better."

"That is so sweet of you, Siya. Where are you taking us?"

"That, my beautiful princess, is for me to know and for you to find out in due time."

Although Siya and I had planned on breaking the news to them over dinner, I could barely contain my excitement. One glance at me, as Siya and I walked through the front door, and Nokuthula immediately knew that something was up.

"Well look what we have here, Nokuthula. If it is not our very own Romeo and Juliet", Maxwell said as he welcomed us in.

"And by the looks of things, they come baring news. So, what is the tea?", Nokuthula suspiciously interjected.

"We do not know what you are talking about", Siya replied, donning a guilty grin on his face.

Overcome with raging excitement, I found myself giving Maxwell and Nokuthula a detailed account of all the events that took place leading up to that moment. They were completely stunned at first. If my memory serves me well, Nokuthula looked as though she was about to faint at some point. Upon digesting the overwhelming news, Maxwell and Nokuthula were beside themselves with excitement and joy.

"You have no idea how extremely proud we are of you, Thandi! I am still speechless!", Nokuthula sobbed, "I do not know anyone more deserving of every golden opportunity that comes their way. You exemplify what a true beauty is. You are beautiful both inside and out, but your true beauty lies within."

"I have asked you this question before, and I shall ask it again – Are you sure you are not an alien sent here to torture us mere mortals? On top of all your other supernatural talents, you are now a singer-songwriter. I swear you are the Xhosa version of Beyoncé. Everything you touch turns to gold. I am so incredibly proud of you!"

In celebration, Siya booked out an entire restaurant in my honour. Given the fact that he practically had no time to prepare, I was stunned at all that he was able to organise in such a short period of time. The restaurant looked absolutely breath-taking. The entire evening was beyond spectacular, and was filled with endless jaw-dropping surprises. The most jaw-dropping surprise being when Lira came out of nowhere to perform an intimate set of all my favourite songs. Seeing him and my friends get along so famously, brought tears of joy to my eyes. If I had to choose a highlight of the evening, that would without a shred of doubt be my ultimate highlight.

In the two years that followed the spectacular celebratory evening, a series of events ensued. The very first single off my debut album, topped the South African charts for a record-breaking 16-consecutive weeks. My debut live performance at the South African Music Awards was met with critical acclaim. At this point in time, I had amassed a grand total of ten South African Music Awards for my debut album, setting the national record for the most awards won in a single night by a solo artist. I was also fortunate enough to receive international recognition at the BET Awards for the Best International Act in Africa. This international exposure afforded me the opportunity to write on and contribute guest vocals on an Alicia Keys album, which was a dream come true. My budding romance with Siya has grown from strength to strength, as with each passing day, we find ourselves falling dangerously in love. At this point in time, I have successfully completed my Bachelor of Arts degree, which means that I can finally embark on my highly anticipated continent-wide tour.

For her 45th birthday, I was able to buy my mother her dream home, which has always been something that I intended on doing for her as soon as I graduated and got a decent paying job. I am so fortunate to have been able to afford to do everything that I set out to do well before my projected time. At this point in time, my mother has finally been able to retire from her job as a maid. With her newly found freedom, my mother has decided to convert her love for fashion into a money-making machine by opening her own boutique.

Nokuthula has found herself head over heels in love with a talented music producer she met at the South African Music Awards. At this point in time, she has successfully completed her Bachelor of Commerce degree, and has landed herself a lucrative internship at a leading advertising agency. More excitingly, Nokuthula has pursued her childhood dream of becoming a published author. Her debut novella, detailing a soul-baring account of her life's story, was an instant best-seller. Her novella received astounding critical acclaim, and Nokuthula has since amassed numerous awards for her literary work.

At this point in time, Maxwell has successfully completed his Bachelor of Accountancy degree, and is presently being groomed by his father to take over the family empire. More excitingly, Maxwell has since proposed marriage to his high school sweetheart, Jonathan.

# CHAPTER 3: WAITING TO EXHALE

"Nokuthula, hi.", Maxwell phoned, "Please tell me that you are free this evening after knocking off from work. I desperately need to blow off some steam, otherwise I think I will go crazy."

"Say no more. Are you at the penthouse? I will be there in an hour."

"But what about work? It can really wait until you knock off. It is not that serious."

"Maxwell, we have been friends for a few years now. You are practically family to me. I know you well enough to know that whatever is going on is big, so please do not try to downplay it. Just give me a few minutes so that I can speak to my manager to let him know that I will be knocking off early today.

"I appreciate your concern, I really do, but you said it yourself that the man is a slave driver and that he has it in for you. I would really hate myself for getting you into trouble at work. We can meet after working hours."

"Maxwell, this is not up for discussion. I will tell him that I have a family emergency. I will put in overtime tomorrow evening to catch up on any work I will have missed. That should shut him up. Now, tell me, are you at the penthouse? If not, I will drive to wherever you are."

"I should have known better than to argue with you. Once you have put your mind to doing something, there is nothing anyone can do to change it. Yes, I am at the penthouse".

"Do not ever forget that. I will see you soon. Take care, alright?"

Nokuthula arrived at the penthouse, only to find Maxwell in a devastated state, as she had suspected.

"I am so sorry that I am a bit late. I thought it best to stop by the mall first so that I could purchase a bottle of your favourite red wine.

"You read my mind. Red wine and good company is exactly what I need right now. Thank you so much."

"You need not thank me. This is exactly what friends are for. Now are you going to tell me what is weighing so heavily on your heart? I have never seen you this distraught."

"So last night Jonathan and I went over to my parent's house to announce our engagement."

"But that is a good thing, is it not?"

"If I were a heterosexual man engaged to a woman, perhaps it would be. Perhaps if I were a heterosexual man, I would have been afforded the privilege of hearing my mother's joyful ululations or being wrapped around her warm and loving embrace. Perhaps if I were a heterosexual man, I would have been afforded the privilege of receiving a proud pat on the back from my father. But I am not a heterosexual man. I am a homosexual man. You know what that means? That means that I fall short of this privilege. This privilege that I desperately yearn for, has been stripped away from me at birth by the curse of the standard, that which I can never live up to. What a life. What a fucking curse!"

"My friend, do you have faith in God?"

"Of course, I do. You know how much I value my spiritual relationship with God."

"Then what does your faith mean if it does not mean that you are loved by the very Force that created you? What does it mean?"

"You have a point there. God does love me. It is written."

"Then why would God, having loved you into existence, maliciously choose to curse your life? The way I see it, this lack of privilege that you speak of is no different to white or male privilege, which is a standard that I, as a black woman, can never live up to. Having been born into a marginalised race and gender, I know all too well about being at the bottom of the food chain when it comes to the receival of privileges. Does that mean that my life is cursed because I am a black woman?

"Of course not."

"Then why is it that you believe that your life is cursed for having been born into a marginalised sexuality? I will be the first to admit that living life as a marginalised individual makes life extremely challenging at times. But your life is a far cry away from being cursed, my friend. You know what mom always says to Thandi and I? She always says that life is only 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you respond to what happens to you. You have no control over what happens to you, but you have every bit of control over how you respond to it. I had no choice in being a black woman. If I did, I would not have chosen to be a black woman at a time where we live in a very racist and sexist world. In the same vein, you had no choice in being a homosexual man. If you had any choice in the matter, I am almost certain that you would not have chosen to be a gay man at a time where we find ourselves living in a very homophobic world. Having been deprived the choice of being a black woman, I choose to be proud of my 'black girl magic'. Having been deprived the choice of being a gay man, you too can choose how you would like to respond to that. You can either choose to live your life believing that you are a mistake and that your life is a total curse, or you can choose to live your life believing that God made no mistake when He breathed life into you.

"You are right, my friend. I actually never thought about it that way before. Just because I was born a marginalised individual, does not mean that my life is cursed. Thank you for making me see things from a different perspective. I just wish that my parents would see things from your perspective. I came out to them when I was 17 years old, which was when my relationship with Jonathan started becoming serious. I had fallen head over heels in love with him, Nokuthula. I never thought that I could possibly love him now more than I did six years ago when we first started dating, which is why it breaks my heart to have to do to him what I have been forced to do."

"What are you talking about? What have you been forced to do?"

"Well, you know that my father has been grooming me to succeed him as the heir to the family empire from the day I was born, right?

"Yes..."

"The plan had always been for him to retire and subsequently pass the baton over to me once I graduated from university. Little did I know that after I came out to him and my mother all those years ago, he immediately included a clause in the family Trust, stipulating that I would only gain access to my birth right on the strict condition that I marry a woman."

"What? You have got to be kidding me! Is he for real?"

"I always knew that my parents did not approve of my sexuality and that they hated me because of it. Over the years it had become blatantly clear that they merely tolerated my relationship with Jonathan. But never in a million years did I ever think that they would be this vindictive and manipulative."

"This is a complete mess, my friend. No wonder you are an emotional wreck. Have you decided on what you are going to do?"

"Not at all. That is why I phoned you. I need your advice. You and Thandi always manage to speak sense into my life. With her jet-setting around the continent on her tour, you are my only hope, Nokuthula. What should I do? On the one hand, should I defy my father, I inherently forfeit a multi-million-rand empire, which I have been groomed to take over since the day I was born. On the other hand, should I choose to obey my father, I inherently lose out on true love, as I would be forced to turn my back on the love of my life. Not to mention the fact that I would be held hostage, caged inside a loveless marriage with someone I am not even remotely attracted to. This is a disaster!"

"This is a real catch-22 situation, friend. Whichever decision you make will fundamentally rearrange your life forever. I really wish that Thandi were here to help me out on this one. I feel as though if I were to steer you in a certain direction, and things so happen to go terribly wrong, that you would end up resenting me for advising you towards that direction. I really do not know what to say, friend. I am beyond speechless at this point in time."

"Come on, Nokuthula. Please, my friend. I really need an objective opinion. This whole thing is giving me such an intense migraine right now. I promise that I will not resent you for whatever advice you decide is best for me to follow."

"My friend, all I can say is that I want you to realise that you are going to have to live with the decision you are about to make for the rest of your life. The real question here is - what can you live without? Will you be able to live without the money and power that you have been accustomed to all of your life? Will you be able to live without the love of your life? In the end, you will have to look at yourself in the mirror every night before you go to sleep. I want you to be content with whatever decision that you will ultimately have to make. I want you to make a decision that will bring you boundless and indescribable happiness for as long as you live, not one that will bring you endless heartache and regret. I will support whichever decision that you believe will bring you the happiness that I wish for you and that I know you deserve. I truly hope that I have been able to help."

"You have no idea, friend. Thank you so much. I now know exactly what needs to be done."

"I am so glad that I was able to be of help. So, I take it that you have decided..."

"Yes, I have. Is it alright with you if I stop by your apartment later on tonight so that we can continue our conversation? I need to head over to my parents' quickly to break the news to them in person."

"No problem. I will be catching up on work while I wait for you to stop by. But are you at least going to tell me what it is that you have decided?"

"I decided to follow your advice. I choose boundless and indescribable happiness."

Maxwell then proceeded to make his way to his parents' house, where he made his decision known.

"You are such a disappointment. After all the sacrifices that your mother and I have made for you – giving you a world-renowned education, affording you all the privileges that money can buy. What for? So that you can turn around and tell us that you are willing to give it all away for that boy!"

"With all due respect, dad, but that boy you speak of has a name. His name is Jonathan, and I love him. He is my fiancé and I am going to spend the rest of my life with him. If you thought that you were going to bribe me into giving up the love of my life, then you are sadly mistaken. You can keep your money. I do not care anymore! I have an Accounting degree now. I will get myself a job somewhere and start over. I will make a name for myself and lead a decent life, with or without your money."

"You have no idea what you are talking about, boy. You are nothing without me. You are nothing without the family name that has opened literally every door your ungrateful ass has ever entered through. As for your degree, let us see how far it will take you once I blackball you in the commerce industry. Just one call from me and I will make sure that no company ever touches you. I will personally see to it that you and your lover end up begging for food inside a trashcan, which is exactly where your disgusting asses belong.

"I hate you! You are the devil himself. I am your only son for crying out loud. How could you be so cruel?"

"Exactly! You are my only son. I do not recall bringing any girls into this world. If you want to run around acting like a little bitch, then go ahead. Just know one thing – the second you walk out of that door, you are dead to us."

In that defining moment, Maxwell realised that he was never going to be the worthy recipient of his parents' validation. It dawned on him that the pendulum of choice had begun its dance. In the end, Maxwell gravitated toward a love so pure and powerful that he unwaveringly walked out of the door.

"Nokuthula, hi.", Maxwell phoned, "Could we please take a rain check on tonight?"

"No problem. Are you alright though? Is everything okay?"

"I am free. I will fill you in on everything tomorrow evening. Right now, I need to be with the love of my life."

"You sound as though a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders. It thrills me to know that you are at peace and that you have found the freedom that you deserve. Now go be with your man. Please do send my regards to Jonathan. I love you so much, friend."

"I love you more than you can imagine. Thank you so much for speaking sense into my life. After our conversation, I had a sudden epiphany as to what happiness truly is. All these years I have waited so anxiously for the day that I would finally be able to take over from my father, believing that money and power would bring me true happiness. I have spent years trying to please my family, yearning for the happiness that I thought would fulfil me. In all these years, I failed to realise that I had already been fulfilled. While I spent years thinking that I needed my father's empire to be happy, I failed to realise that I had been happy all along."

Maxwell then swiftly proceeded to make his way to Jonathan's apartment, where he gave a detailed account of all the events leading up to his arrival.

"But babe, you have been looking forward to running the family empire since you were a teenager. Are you absolutely sure that you are willing to give it all away? I mean this is your birth right that we are talking about here. I love you more than life itself. But should we break up for whatever reason, down the line, I would hate to think that you gave up on everything just to be with me."

"Please do not dress-rehearse heartbreak like I did when we first met. Remember how scared I was of falling in love with you? Everything between us was going so incredibly well but I found myself foreboding my raging joy, because I feared that it would eventually come to an end. You were the one who made me realise that foreboding joy is a fear so crippling that it can prevent a person from living in the present. You were the one who made me realise the indescribable joy and peace that comes with living in the present. In the present, we do not hold on to the past at the expense of our future. In the present, we do not live our lives worrying about the unknown future, at the expense of our blissful present. For as long as we have been together, you and I have made a conscious effort to live in the present, not knowing what the future held. Six years later, we find ourselves more in love with each other than we ever thought possible. Six years down the line, we find ourselves happily engaged, ready to spend the rest of our lives together for all eternity. I want us to continue living in the present. At this point in time, I have no doubt in my mind that you are the man for me. You are the love of my life; my light; my joy, and my inspiration. You are the reason that I find myself smiling throughout the day from ear to ear, at the mere thought of you. Should we find ourselves going our separate paths in the future, for whatever reason, I will not be bitter, and I will not be consumed with regret for the decision that I have just made. It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Some people search a lifetime for the rare love that you and I share. I am willing to go to the ends of the earth for you. Even if that means giving it all up. I would rather be a poor man living on the street with no food to eat than to live my life without you. I would rather not live at all, if it means living life without you."

"I have no idea what I did to deserve you. Every night before going to bed, I get down on my knees to thank God for creating you in His beautiful and perfect image. You may be a far cry away from being perfect, but you are perfect in my eyes. I have loved you since the very first day I laid my eyes on you in high school. You were just a breath of fresh air. You were so incredibly sweet and considerate, despite being the most popular kid in school. You carried with you everywhere you went an inescapable aura of confidence and self-assurance. Not even knowing that you were into guys at the time, I just knew that I had to make your acquaintance. I never told you this but the real reason I quit hockey to go join rugby at the very peak of my hockey career was so that I could spend some time with you, in the hope that we would at least be friends. Little did I know that I would receive ten-times more than what I had bargained for. Not only were you my best friend, but you were my first love. I remember when I first came out to my mother. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would ever come out of the closet. I was too afraid of what people would think, and more than anything, I feared being disowned by the only family that I had. Knowing that I had you by my side, however, strengthened me. Your love gave me the courage to take a leap of faith. Your love freed me to be myself. In fact, your love introduced me to myself. Fortunately for me, my mother learned to accept our relationship early on, so I did not have to deal with what you are going through right now. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to come to this decision. I am so incredibly sorry that your parents have disowned you. I know how much you love them. I just cannot help but to feel as though I have come between you and your parents."

"My parents will eventually come around. At least I hope that they will, because despite all of what was said and done, I still love them a lot, and I am sure that deep down inside, they know that. But I cannot live my life for them, on their terms. I cannot allow them to define the trajectory of my life, and to define for me what happiness should be. I am hoping that they will one day realise that I had no choice in being who I am. My decision to choose boundless and indescribable happiness is only my reaction to a situation I had no control over."

"Jonathan, hello.", Nokuthula phoned in a hysterical tone, "Is Maxwell still at your apartment? I cannot seem to get a hold of him on his cell phone."

"Hey, Nokuthula. Yes, Maxwell is still here with me. What is the matter? Let me put you on the speaker phone."

"Could you guys please meet me at the hospital. I am on my way there as we speak..."

"Are you hurt? What is going on?", Maxwell interjected.

"I am not sure what is going on. I just received a cryptic voicemail message from Siya informing me that Thandi has been hospitalised."

"But is Thandi not supposed to be in Nigeria as we speak?", Jonathan asked in bewilderment.

"Well according to Siya she has been in the country for at least a couple of days now.

"Please drive carefully, Nokuthula. Jonathan and I are on our way, okay?"

Nokuthula, Jonathan and Maxwell all arrived at the hospital, only to find my mother and Siya by the reception area, in a panicked state.

"Mama!", Nokuthula hysterically rushed into mom's arms, "I am so glad that you are here."

"My baby! Everything is going to be alright.", mom sobbed as she tried to calm Nokuthula down.

"Siya, what is going on, man?", Maxwell asked, "What is this I hear about Thandi being in the country for the past couple of days? What happened to her?"

"Two days ago, I received a phone call from her road manager, informing me that Thandi had suddenly collapsed backstage after wrapping up her performance in Nigeria..."

"Why did you not notify us as soon as you heard?", Nokuthula interjected.

"According to her road manager, Thandi had regained consciousness within a matter of minutes. The second she realised that her road manager informed me of what had happened, she quickly phoned me, begging me not to tell anyone about what had happened. She desperately tried to convince me that she was fit enough to continue performing, but a gut-instinct inside of me did not believe her. Fearing for her health and well-being, I went behind her back and cancelled all her remaining performances, ordering that she be airlifted back home immediately. Upon her arrival, it had seemed as though she was in good health, or so she pretended to be. She consistently maintained that she did not want me to notify anyone about her being back in the country, as she was under the impression that she would be back on the road in no time. The minute she found out that I went behind her back and cancelled her remaining shows, she was livid. Thandi tried to discharge herself from the hospital, demanding that I send her back on the road so that she could finish her tour. She had barely made it through her hospital door, when she collapsed yet again. The doctors say that she had a physical and emotional breakdown. After realising how serious her condition was, I knew that I had to go behind her back once again, by phoning Mrs Nyati and Nokuthula"

"I am so sorry for snapping at you, Siya.", Nokuthula apologised, "I am just confused, and scared for my sister's well-being. Thank you so much for bringing her back home."

"Thanks a lot, man. We really appreciate what you did for our sister, Maxwell told Siya, "Any other man in your shoes would have probably pushed her to wrap up the tour for the sake of money, but instead of doing that, you chose to put her well-being first. I really appreciate that."

"You need not thank me. I love Thandi with all my heart. I will always put her first."

"Doctor, we are here to see Thandi Nyati.", Jonathan said as he approached a passing doctor, "Do you know if she is awake? How is she holding up?"

"Thandi is doing much better now. I would like to keep her overnight for observation, but she should be ready to go home by tomorrow afternoon. As a matter of fact, she just woke up. But I am afraid only family is allowed inside..."

"We are all family here, doctor.", mom interjected, "we would appreciate it if you would take us to her room, please."

"Alright, ma'am. You can all follow me", my doctor replied as she ushered everybody inside my hospital room.

"Mom? Nokuthula? What is everybody doing here?", I asked in astonishment, "Siya, I specifically told you not to worry anyone about my being here."

"Siya did the right thing by calling us, Thandi.", Nokuthula said, "We are your family. It our job to worry about you."

"My beautiful, sweet girl", my mother sobbed, "are you alright? What happened to you?"

"It is nothing to worry about, mom. I guess I was more exhausted than I realised, which is why I collapsed. I will be out of here in no time."

"My baby, growing up, you never used to lie to me. Please do not start now. I am your mother. I know you better than anybody in this whole world. I know when you are happy. I know when you are sad. I also know when you are lying."

"Call it a mother's intuition...", Nokuthula pensively recalled the day mom first spoke those words to her six years ago.

"You are right.", I sobbed, "I am so sorry for lying to you. It is just that I did not want to disappoint you."

"Disappoint me?", mom replied in bewilderment, "what are you talking about, my angel?"

"Ever since I started making money from recording music and performing it for sold out crowds, I have imposed this unrealistic work ethic on myself, whereby I would literally work myself to the bone. I did not mind working as hard as I did, because I loved making music, and I felt alive whenever I performed on the stage. But more importantly, I did not mind working as hard as I did, because I knew that it was the only way I could afford to maintain our standard of living. For years, I have witnessed all the sacrifices that you would make to provide for Nokuthula and I. For years, you would work yourself to the bone, trying to cater to everybody's needs on a maid's salary. In all those years, I never once heard you complain. I remember the look on your face the day I bought you your dream home on the countryside. That was a look I always wanted to see on your face for as long as I lived. The minute I started making money off music, I realised that I had been granted the privilege of finally being able to show my appreciation for all that you have been, and for all that you have done, over the years. We all know how fleeting fame is. Today, people may think that my music is the hottest thing in the world. However, tomorrow is not guaranteed. Every day, I live in fear that my follow-up album will not be as commercially successful as my debut album. Every day, I live in fear that my fans will stop purchasing my music and concert tickets. Truth is, the day will come when I will not be as commercially successful as I am today. The reason I decided to go on a year-long continent-wide tour, was that I wanted to ride this wave for as long as possible. I wanted to make as much money as I could, while people still cared about my music."

"My baby, you could never disappoint me. I often tell you this, but I do not think you realise just how proud I am of you. I have been proud of you for as long as I can remember, even before the money and the fame. I am so incredibly sorry that you felt that you had to work yourself crazily to maintain our standard of living. My sweet angel, please do me a favour – do not succumb to the pressure of 'black tax'. The pressure alone will be the end of you. Baby girl, as much as I adore the massive home you bought me, it has not brought me any increased level of happiness. I am just as happy as I was when I lived in the small township home I raised you girls in. Perhaps the reason for that is that your childhood home housed more than just furniture, but it housed lifelong memories. Not that I do not appreciate all that you do for me, but those things are all material, baby girl. Material things can never bring me true happiness. The source of my true happiness comes from seeing you actualize your lifelong dream of performing on stage; seeing you fall in love with this sweet young man over here; seeing the beautiful relationship you have with your sister and your new friends. Knowing that you are happy, brings me indescribable and boundless happiness, baby girl. I could have easily used the money you frequently send me, to finance my overseas vacations, but I chose not to. The reason I decided to use all that money, to open my own boutique, was so that I could take care of myself, financially. I was trying to prevent exactly what is happening right now, whereby you feel pressured to maintain my standard of living. My boutique is doing incredibly well. If you were to wake up tomorrow, and find that your fans have stopped purchasing your albums and concert tickets, your mother would be financially secured, alright, my baby? I just want you to be happy. That is all I have ever wanted for you. I am going to ask you a question that I already know the answer to. I need for you to be completely honest with us. My baby, are you truly happy?"

"No, mom. I am not.", I sobbed, "I have not been happy for a while now. In fact, I would say that I have been mildly depressed. In the past few months, my life has not been my own. My life has been consumed by award shows, tour buses, chart positions, gruelling interviews and press conferences, and so forth. I love making music and performing my songs on the stage. However, in the past few months, my love for music has diminished. At some point in time, I recall that I even wanted to quit making music. I am sick and tired of being used by all these corporate brands to sell fragrances, household products and magazines. I feel that I have way more to offer to the world than my image. Perhaps it is not even about the whole circus, as it is about the fact that I feel incredibly isolated and alone. The more time I spend making money, the less time I get to spend with the people that I love. I cannot remember the last time I paid you a visit. I cannot remember the last time Siya and I went out for dinner without conversing about music schedules. I cannot remember the last time Nokuthula and I went out shopping. I cannot remember the last time Maxwell and I had a glass of wine. I cannot remember the last time I saw Jonathan. I could not even complain about how lonely I was feeling because I had to constantly remind myself of how blessed I was to be living every performer's dream. I felt that if I told you all about how I truly felt, that you would all think that I was ungrateful or that I was just being ridiculous. People tend to look at celebrities and think that we have these happy and perfect lives because we have all this money and fame. I will not speak for every celebrity out there, but in my case, it definitely took me being a celebrity to realise what true unhappiness feels like."

"Baby, I wish you had told me", Siya sobbed, "I had no idea that you felt this way. Had I known, I would have put an end to the circus or at the very least I would have minimised your schedule to your liking. I genuinely thought that you enjoyed doing all that you did, including the publicity work."

"But baby, I did not want to cost your company any money. You have been so incredibly good to me. Please do not blame yourself for any of this, because I was the one who manipulated you into believing that I enjoyed doing all of those things."

"So, baby, now that I do know, what would you like me to do about it? For the sake of your well-being and ultimate happiness, I am willing to do anything you ask of me."

"I do not know what I did to deserve such an understanding and compassionate man. Thank you so much for always putting me first.", I sobbed, "The reason I initially agreed to a music career was that I adored writing and recording songs. The second I made my debut live performance at the South African Music Awards, I fell in love with performing my own songs. I do not care about being a celebrity. I just want to make good music. I want to be able to perform on stage for a couple of hours in a day, knowing that I will have the rest of the day to spend with my loved ones. I know that less press means that I will be making less money, but for as long as my mother is financially stable, I am alright with making less money. Having all of you present in my life means way more to me."

"Well then. Your wish is my command, pretty lady. I will speak to A&R in the morning and we will re-brand your career in a strategic way that will work in your favour. If you ask me, you do not even need to do any more press work anyway, because everybody on the African continent already knows your name. You do not need any celebrity gimmicks to sell your music. Your music will sell itself because it is of high quality. Your concerts will sell out because you are the best living entertainer on the African continent. Even if your career were to end tomorrow, I believe that you are resilient enough to land on your feet. Your beauty and talent will forever illuminate the world. I believe in you. We all do."

"Siya is right.", Maxwell said, "We all believe in you, and we love you so much! By the way, we have good news. We ran into your doctor outside, and she told us that by tomorrow afternoon, our favourite songbird is going home. As soon as you are out of here, you and I are going to have that long overdue glass of wine, alright? I have so much to tell you."

"I am so fortunate to have a family that loves me so much. I love you all more than you can imagine. I cannot wait to have that glass of wine with you, Maxwell."

"I have something to share with all of you.", Nokuthula said, unexpectedly, "Having us all here tonight has reminded me of the true meaning of love. Hearing my sister share her soul-baring truth with all of us today, has given me the courage to finally share with all of you some of my own truths."

"Nokuthula, is something wrong? What are you talking about?", I asked, anxiously awaiting a response.

"A year ago, when I first met Kevin, I thought that true love had finally come along. I thought that I had finally found true happiness. I was so convinced that my lonely days were over. Perhaps it was my fear of loneliness that kept me in the relationship. I am not sure. What I am sure about, however, is that love was definitely not the glue that kept Kevin and I together for the past year. Love does not hurt, nor does it delight in pain. For the past few months, I have been living a secluded life, covered in extensive make-up, hidden in shame behind my pitch-black shades. For the past few months, I have been in a relationship with a man who would not think twice before punching me in the face, as he would a window, until it shattered..."

"How could I not have noticed?", I interjected, as I guiltily sobbed, "I am your sister for crying out loud. I should have noticed. I should have been there for you. I am so sorry, Nokuthula."

"No, no, no...please do not blame yourself, Thandi. It is not your fault. I made a conscious decision to keep my abuse a secret. As good as you were at manipulating us into believing that you were happy all this time, I was just as good at hiding my physical and emotional scars from all of you. I so desperately wanted to tell you, Thandi. I really did. It is just that Kevin got inside my head and started manipulating me into believing all sorts of things that were not true. When you were busy promoting your music and touring the continent, it was an extremely bittersweet period in my life. Although I was so incredibly proud of you and happy for you, you were never present. I felt as though I had forever lost my sister. You were on a high, while I was at my lowest. Kevin saw how much I missed you, and he used that to his advantage. He tried to turn me against my own sister. He convinced me that I had been living in your shadow this whole time, and that I would never be as successful as you are. He even convinced me that mom would never be as proud of me, as she is of you. Not only did he break a couple of my bones, but he singlehandedly managed to break my spirit. At some point in time, I recall that I even felt fortunate to have been living in your shadow, because my scars were able to go unnoticed. He knew that once he had broken my spirit, that it would then be easy for him to toy with my mind and to turn me against everybody who truly loves me. He even tried to turn me against my own mother, by manipulating me into believing that the only reason she adopted me and still keeps me around is that she pities me for having been raped as a child. After he mercilessly killed my spirit, Kevin was then able to convince me that nobody loved me as much as he did – not our mother, not Maxwell, and especially not you, Thandi."

"I love you so much, my angel. I always say this, but clearly you and Thandi do not seem to believe me when I say that I could not be prouder of you girls. I have loved you from the very first day Thandi introduced you to me as her best friend all those years ago. I adopted you because I wanted to protect you. My wanting to protect you stemmed from the deep and unconditional love that I have for you. I do not want you to doubt that ever again, do you hear me? I am so sorry that I was not here to protect you from that monster. But mama is here now, alright? This Kevin is not going to lay another finger on you, do you hear me? I will personally see to it."

"I believe you, mama. I am so sorry for ever doubting your love for me. I was out of my mind. But I am alright now. A month ago, after finding him in bed with another woman, I finally had enough strength to walk away from that toxic relationship. I even attended a few therapy sessions with Dr Moloi to get everything out of my system. For the past couple of weeks, I have been mustering up the courage to finally tell you all what had happened. At least now I do not have to tell you all individually. I guess this was perfect timing. Thank you so much, Thandi, for giving me the courage that I needed to finally tell my story. I love you so much, sis. I cannot believe that I almost allowed a penis to penetrate our sisterhood, Nokuthula humorously concluded as she proceeded to give me a loving embrace."

"I am so glad that you are in a good space now and that you finally left that asshole.", Maxwell said, "but I am not going to let him get away with this. He needs to go to prison for all the hell that he has put you through."

"So that he can be released within a few measly months? Pursuing a conviction is not worth it, Maxwell. The justice system does not seem to care about crimes of violence against women, especially women of colour. My childhood rapist was released within a year, for crying out loud. Sometimes pursuing a conviction is not worth the legal bills, the emotional strain, or the lengthy court trial that comes with it. Sometimes a court trial can drag on longer than the perpetrator's actual conviction. So, tell me – what is the point of it all? I was physically battered, and my spirit was crushed, but my wounds have healed. He may not be behind bars, but in no way, is he sitting on the catbird seat. He no longer has any power over me. I saw him at the mall just the other day. He expected me to be consumed with rage as he approached me, but as I calmly looked into his powerless eyes, I pitied him, because in that moment I realised something really sad. Only a powerless man would attempt to source power from inflicting pain on another human being. Before walking away, I told him that I had forgiven him for all the pain that he had caused me. I told him that I genuinely prayed that he finds himself the inner peace that he is in clear shortage of. He then started getting all upset and agitated, which made me realise just how powerless he truly was. He was upset because I did not give him the reaction he had expected. He was upset because he could see that I had in my possession, what he longs for– peace and strength. Growing up, mom taught Thandi and I a lesson that I will never forget – It takes more strength to forgive than it does to be vengeful. By forgiving him, I did not exonerate him. Forgiving him was a gift that I gave to myself. I refuse to hold on to my past at the expense of my present and my future. I just want to be happy. There can be no happiness without forgiveness."

"You have grown into such a mature, young lady.", mom gushed, "how could I not be proud of you? You make me so proud to be your mother. I was already prepared to chop off all ten of his fingers so that he could not lay another finger on you. But you have just reminded me of a lesson that I have preached religiously to you girls over the years. I guess it is time for your mother to practice what she preaches."

In the months that followed my hospitalisation, I began to take better care of my physical well-being and mental health. At this point in time, I am currently working on my highly anticipated follow-up album. I am learning to balance my life in such a way that I no longer feel physically and emotionally depleted. I am learning to be more present in my life and in the lives of those that I love and care about. Nokuthula is presently writing her second novella, inspired by the invaluable concept of forgiveness. Unjaded by her failed relationship, she is still tenaciously seeking true love. Having been disowned, and subsequently blackballed in commerce, by his father, Maxwell is trying to carve his own path in life, alongside the love of his life. Using the social capital that he has amassed over the years, Maxwell was flooded by lucrative job offers from old friends and acquaintances. Despite his father's best attempts to render him unemployable, Maxwell is now a junior accountant at one of the world's most prestigious accounting firms.

# CHAPTER 4: LOVE AND WAR

"Good morning, beautiful", Siya said, in his seductively mesmerizing voice, as he adoringly gazed into my smitten eyes.

"Good morning to you too, Mr Radebe. Why do I get this unshakable feeling that you have been staring at me in my sleep?"

"Well, can you blame me? It is not every day that a man is afforded the invaluable fortune of waking up next to a mesmerizing angel. Had I known how blessed my mornings would be, I would have asked you to move in with me 4 years ago."

"Charmed.", I blushingly gushed, "if we are not careful, your slick tongue will have us lazing around in bed all day."

"Would that be such a bad thing?", he asked, as he began kissing my neck, seductively, "we could just pick up right where we left off a few hours ago..."

"As much as I would love nothing more than to spend my day curled around your majestic, chocolate-skinned body, we both have responsibilities that we have to take care of.", I gushingly said, as I tried to resist the sweet temptation of a lazy love.

"I was supposed to attend my first meeting of the day 15 minutes ago. I think it is fair to say that at this point in time, I am officially the opposite of early."

"Why did you not say anything? Do you realise that this is the third consecutive day since I moved in, that you have been late for an early meeting?"

"One of the many perks of being the boss is that I am never late. Everybody else is just simply early.", Siya teased, "besides, how do you expect me not to fall victim to our lazy love, when you constantly curl those sexy legs around me?"

"I did not hear you complaining last night.", I teased, while donning a smirk look on my face, "...OMG, Siya. Look at the time! If I do not shower now, I am going to be late for my studio appointment."

"Alright...alright...", Siya sighed, "go ahead on with your sexy self."

As I swiftly made my way out of bed, I suddenly discovered a gorgeous diamond ring on my left finger. Perplexed and totally bedazzled by the enigmatic discovery, I swiftly turned my neck toward Siya's direction, in search of an explanation.

"Growing up, I never believed in fairy-tales. I never believed in angels. I never believed in love at first sight. It took meeting an angel in person, to make a true believer out of me. In the 4 years that we have been together, you have been my best friend, my platinum-selling songbird, and most importantly, you have been the love of my life. My heart has been wrapped up in clover ever since that magical night, where I first laid eyes on you. I knew right there and then that I had finally found my soulmate. You are a breath-taking reflection of God's heart for me. I want nothing more than to put a smile on your face for as long as I live. I may be a far cry from perfection, but I promise to always strive to be the man that you deserve. I promise to love your flaws into perfection. I promise to love your bad days into blessed ones. I promise to love you to the moon and back, in and out of time. There is only one condition, though. You have to be my wife."

Totally mesmerized and speechless, all I could do was cry tears of indescribable joy and overwhelming shock, as the love of my life proposed to me.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!", I ecstatically exclaimed, as tears came flooding down my face, "I will be your wife!"

Completely overcome with indescribable emotion, our business schedules were the last thing on our minds, as we fell victim to that lazy love.

"Mr Radebe, do you realise that we have spent the whole day in bed?", I asked, as I stared deeply into his luring, lazy eyes, "let us see...yup – 9 hours to be exact."

"Well then, soon-to-be Mrs Radebe, you will be glad to know that I still have enough loving left to last us all night long", Siya teasingly replied, as he actively attempted to re-enact our 9-hour rendezvous.

"Please hold that thought for a couple of hours.", I gushingly said, as I tried to resist the sweet temptation of an all-nighter, "I am scheduled to meet Maxwell and Nokuthula for drinks in about half an hour. I cannot wait to see the looks on their faces when I break the news to them! I will be back before you know it. I love you so much."

"I love you more, beautiful. The sooner you get out of here, the sooner you will return right back into my longing arms. Your countdown starts now.", Siya said, "Please send my regards to them."

"Look who has finally decided to grace us with her presence", Nokuthula said, as I sashayed into the room.

"I am so sorry that I am late, guys. To make up for it, drinks are on me tonight. You two can order anything you want."

"You do not hear me complaining, now do you?", Maxwell jovially replied, "in fact, if we are always going to be blessed with such special treatment, you can be late every single time."

"There is something different about you, but I just cannot seem to place my finger on it.", Nokuthula suspiciously said, "you have this indescribable glow to you. Do not think for a second that I did not notice your carefree sashay as you waltzed in here, as if you were not already 20 minutes late."

"Is it not clear, Nokuthula? Our girl clearly just got her back cracked", Maxwell teasingly said, "which would explain everything..."

"Again?! You two are worse than mating rabbits", Nokuthula teasingly interjected.

"Now, now, friend. Let us not exaggerate. At least rabbits tire, eventually. As for these two...", Maxwell smirkingly teased, as he casually sipped his beer.

While Nokuthula and Maxwell desperately tried to fathom my enigmatic glow, I jovially flaunted my 5-carat diamond ring, as I casually played with my baby hairs.

"Is that what I think it is?", Maxwell asked, as he nearly dropped his glass.

"Thandi! I do not trust my eyes anymore. Please explain!", Nokuthula said, while donning an astonished look on her face.

"What can I say? Mr Radebe liked it, so he put a ring on it", I jovially replied.

After taking a moment to catch their breaths, Nokuthula and Maxwell ululated ecstatically while wrapping their arms around me in a jovial embrace. To celebrate my engagement, the three of us partied the evening away. Before we knew it, midnight had approached.

"Let me love and leave you two. This evening was beyond amazing, but I have a fiancé to get back to."

"Are you for real? I am sure that Siya can survive one more hour without you", Nokuthula replied.

"I promised him that I would be back in a couple of hours. The way that I miss him, one would swear that we did not spend the whole day together. I swear that man is like a drug."

"Speaking of fiancés, I cannot wait for my Jonathan to return from his business trip in about 10 hours. That bed feels so cold without the warmth of his muscular energy, covering every inch of my captivated body..."

"T.M.I", Nokuthula interjected, "the only thing that I have waiting for me in that cold apartment of mine is endless paperwork and a hungry cat to feed. Speaking of my little Garfield, I should probably get back home before he turns that whole apartment upside down, in search of his midnight snacks."

After enjoying a wonderful evening, together with my two best friends, Nokuthula, Maxwell, and myself, all drove off to our separate apartments. It is moments like those that almost make me wish that I could turn back the hands of time to a point in time when we all used to live under one roof. I recall a time when the mere thought that we would one day go our separate ways, would leave us totally restless. At this point in time, a year has passed since we all graduated from university. I am thrilled to report that in that first year of independence, we were able to maintain a tight relationship with one another.

A couple of days, following that wonderful evening, Nokuthula paid mom a surprise visit at the country house.

"My baby!", mom ecstatically exclaimed, upon finding Nokuthula on her doorstep, "come on in. I have missed you so much! How are you?"

"I missed you too, mom. I am well thanks. I came across this gorgeous traditional blouse on my way here and it reminded me so much of your impeccable taste. I hope that you will like it as much as I do."

"My sweet little angel, I love it! Thank you so much! I will wear it next week to this bougie fashion exhibition I have just been invited to. I have just the jewellery to coordinate it with."

"I am so glad that you love it. It had your name written all over it. The second I saw it, I just knew that my mama had to have it."

"You are too sweet! This must be my lucky week. Just the other day, Thandi and Siya paid me a surprise visit to announce their engagement. Now, two days later, my other daughter stops by my doorstep, unannounced. I know that you kids live very busy lives in the restless part of the city, so what brings you by?"

"Apart from the fact that I missed your incomparable cooking, I came to tell you that Maxwell, Jonathan, and myself are throwing Thandi and Siya a surprise engagement party tomorrow evening. We would love for you to grace us with your presence. It is going to be the engagement party to rival all engagement parties. Maxwell called in a few favours to organise everything under such short notice. Everyone who is anyone is going to be there. We would really appreciate it if we could host the party right here at the country house. Unlike any of our apartments, there is more than enough space, and the venue is beyond spectacular. I promise to clean up straight afterwards. I will be personally responsible for making sure that everything runs smoothly."

"Thandi and Siya are so lucky to have friends like you in their lives. This is so incredibly thoughtful. Is there anything that I can do to help out with?"

"As the beautiful mother of the soon-to-be bride, you have officially been forbidden from doing any heavy lifting. All that you have to do is just pitch up...oh and to keep the engagement party a secret, of course."

"Consider it done! I still cannot believe that my little girl is already engaged at the age of 22. It feels like it was just yesterday when I sent you two off to university."

"Maxwell and I were just as shocked when Thandi broke the news to us. Those two are crazy in love with each other. I would be lying if I said that I did not see this coming. They are practically addicted to each other. You know, I cannot believe that my two best friends are both engaged at the same time. WOW!"

"Love is as strong as any addiction, baby girl. One would even say that it is one.", mom replied, "tell me, my baby. How have you really been?"

"Honestly, I have no idea. I feel like my life is not my own. Half of the time, I do not know whether I am coming or going. The other half of the time, I just feel as though I am going to lose my mind."

"Why do you think that is, my angel?"

"Well, for starters, I feel as though I am not doing anything worthwhile with my life. I thought that getting a degree would somehow give me some sort of validation or life purpose, but that has not been the case. Instead, it has given me a one-way ticket to a job that I hate. I am not even sure if I still want a career in advertising anymore. What I really want to do is write novels, but pursuing a full-time career as a novelist is a waste of time, because 80% of my books' proceeds go straight to the publishing company, while I am left with measly peanuts to sustain myself. After the commercial flop of my recent book, I am not even sure if I still want to continue writing anymore. It is so frustrating when your labour of love is not appreciated or does not profit you. On top of all that, my two best friends are both getting married soon. Do not get me wrong, I could not be happier for them. But I just cannot help but feel a bit jealous. Why is it that love favours some and not others? Every man that I have ever been with has either abused me, cheated on me, or abandoned me. When did love become so elusive? It must probably just be me, because everybody else seems to have found their soulmate. There is not a day that goes by that I do not pray for direction in life, but my prayers seem to fall on deaf ears. My life is just a mess! I do not know..."

"Baby girl, I need for you to calm down, and to take the pressure off yourself. Okay? Please take the pressure off yourself. You are only 22 years old. You do not have to have life figured out already, do you hear me? That is exactly what the 20s are there for. This is the decade for you to figure this all out. If you know that part of it is that, then you are already well on your way to figuring it all out. Remember when you and Thandi were going through adolescence in your teens, and your hormones were raging out of control, and you had no idea why you felt the way you were feeling? Well this is no different from that phase in your life. The 20s are a very restless decade for a lot of young people, because as you tenaciously search for your life's purpose, you tend to feel as though you are not doing anything worthwhile with your life, and that you are not fulfilling the highest and truest expression of your existence. You are very fortunate that you are wrestling with these thoughts and questions now at 22, as opposed to when you are 42 years of age. I know a lot of 42-year olds who are still wrestling with these thoughts and questions. I want you to know that you are very fortunate to have had a head start."

"But mom, I still feel so incredibly lost..."

"I understand that you feel that way, my angel. But that is simply not true. You seem to be pretty clear on what it is that you do not want to do. That right there is a blessing in disguise, because knowing what you do not want to do will steer you in the direction towards that which you do want to do, which is writing books. I have lost count of the many people that I know who have jobs that they absolutely hate, but still choose to stay there, because they end up making it all about how much they hate their bosses and their colleagues, all the while neglecting to realise the real reason why they are unhappy. Often times it is not the bosses or the colleagues that they hate, but it is the actual job that they are doing. They do not realise that by constantly blaming their bosses and their colleagues for how miserable they are feeling, that they are actually projecting the deep hatred they have for their jobs onto them. So, I think you ought to consider yourself pretty fortunate to have realised exactly what it is that you do not want to do."

"But what is the point of knowing what I do not want to do, if what I do want to do is not going to profit me?"

"Baby girl, by doing what you love, you are making a valuable contribution to yourself. Now I need for you to listen to me. Doing what you love is not always going to be expedient or profitable. If you genuinely love writing novels, then you will do what you love, and you will do it with a tremendous amount of passion. If you never receive any recognition or financial gain, you will still be content, because you will know that you are making a valuable contribution to yourself. You will be at peace, because you will know that you are living out your purpose."

"But how will I know if I am actually living out my purpose? At this point in time, I do not even know what my purpose is. I feel like I am just wandering around like a headless chicken."

"You will know that you have found your purpose when you are no longer put in a position to betray yourself, or put in a position where you feel that you have to negotiate your sense of integrity, which is an act of self-betrayal. You will no longer feel as though you have to compromise who you are. Baby girl, your purpose in life will not cost you your power, or your psyche. You can be tired after a day's work, but you never walk away feeling drained and depleted to the point where you feel as though you are losing life, and ultimately losing yourself. The reason you feel as though you are lost is that you are betraying yourself, my angel. You are at a job that you hate, knowing very well that you have no business being there. In addition to holding on to a job that does not belong to you, you have been holding on to wolves, masqueraded as men, who have no business being in your life."

"You are right. Whenever I tire from writing after a day's work, I never walk away feeling drained and depleted. As a matter of fact, the complete opposite is true. I walk away feeling fulfilled."

"I do not want you to confuse your job title with your purpose, because the two are often times not in sync with one another. Your job title may be a novelist, but your purpose is to educate, uplift, entertain and inspire, using the world's most powerful weapon. Do not underestimate the power of words. It is no small thing to be a writer. We are told in the book of Genesis that in the beginning was the Word, that the Word was God, and that the Word was with God. I hope that someday, when we are finally able to measure the true power of words, that people will begin to fathom the gravity of the words that they use. Words are extremely powerful. They get on your apartment walls, the branded clothes you wear, your tattoo-covered skin, and finally into you. Words have the power to destroy a person's spirit. But words also have the power to restore life to the lifeless. When you say that you want to quit writing just because only a few people bought your last book, that makes me wonder whether or not you are serious about writing. Because what I know for a fact is that waiters wait tables; advertisers make advertisements; writers write. A writer writes whether one person is reading, or one million people are reading. Your work's worth is not measured by how many books you sell. Your work's true worth is measured by each and every single life that you have touched or impacted in some way or another.

"I hear you, mom, but I am serious about being a writer."

"If you were really serious about being a writer, you would quit your job in advertising, and you would take up writing lessons to improve your craft if needs be. Furthermore, you would stop complaining about how much money publishers take from your proceeds. Instead, you would max out your savings, take out a loan from a bank or myself even, and you would self-publish your own books. Growing up, I taught you girls to always take control of your destinies. Never allow anyone to define your worth for you. If you are sick and tired of being paid peanuts for your labour of love, then take a bet on yourself. Be the independent woman that I raised you to be. I know that the thought of publishing your own books is daunting, but baby girl, if you want to succeed in life, you have no choice but to jump. If you jump off the cliff, there is a 50% chance that the parachute will open. If you choose to remain on the cliff, crippled by fear, because you are afraid of taking the risk, then you must know that there is a 0% chance of the parachute opening. At this point in time, you are standing on the cliff of life, watching other people soaring by, gliding down like bluebirds flying in the sky, enjoying their overseas vacations, wearing their designer labels, shopping everywhere from the Waterfront to Sandton. They are just flying by. You know why? Because their parachutes opened. You say that you want to live that fancy life, yet you are still crippled by fear on the cliff of life. The only way to get your parachute to open so that you too can soar, is by jumping. That is the only way, baby girl. I must warn you though - when you jump, that parachute will not open right away. That is where your faith will be tested. You will come across rough winds and you will be hit by a few pebbles on your way. You will probably even get wounded in the process, but eventually the parachute will open, and you will soar. As for your love life, stop giving pigs precious pearls to play with, my angel. Stop it! All that a pig knows is how to roll around in mud. Do you really think that a pig is going to understand and appreciate the value of your pearls? If you want to know whether or not a man is the right man for you, ask yourself these questions – in the relationship, am I betraying myself; am I finding myself negotiating my sense of integrity and self-worth; am I losing myself? If the answer to any of these three questions is 'yes', then you must know that you are holding on to a wolf, masqueraded as a knight in shining armour, that you have no business holding on to. Before the wolf shows his true colours, you will always receive whispers from On High. It is your responsibility to listen and to pay attention to those whispers, because they are there to warn you. Should you fail to listen to those whispers, tiny little pebbles will fall on your face. Should you fail to pay attention to the pebbles, the entire brick wall will come crashing down on you, which will be the moment when the wolf finally shows his true colours. Do not wait for the brick wall to come crashing down. Pay attention to the whispers, the first time around, and you will be alright."

"I never thought about it like that before. You have really opened my eyes, mom. Thank you so much.", Nokuthula sobbed, as she gave mom an emotional embrace.

"That is what mothers are for, my angel. I refuse to believe that the bank of true love is bankrupt. When the time comes, you will cash your cheque, which will afford you the riches of romance and companionship for all eternity. When the time comes for you to cash that cheque, I want you to be ready. I want your cup to always be filled up. In fact, I want you to love and respect yourself so much so that your cup overfloweth and runneth over. I want you to love yourself and to treat yourself the way in which you would like for your future husband to treat you. In life, we often attract people in our lives who mirror back to us exactly what we believe to be true about ourselves. I want you to believe that you are worthy of love and respect. I want you to believe that you are beautiful, intelligent, and talented, beyond measure. I want you to know your worth, and not to settle for a penny less than what you are worth. Do you hear me?"

"Yes, mom. I hear you loud and clear."

Nokuthula spent the night at the country house, catching up with mom over a scrumptious home cooked meal. By the time she left the country house, Nokuthula walked away a completely different woman. One could tell that her conversation with mom really helped to introduce Nokuthula to herself and to her worth as an extraordinary black woman. The following morning, Nokuthula tendered her resignation with immediate effect. Nokuthula then accepted mom's offer to move back in with her, just until she is back on her feet again. In that defining moment, Nokuthula jumped off the cliff of life, ready to soar, on her own terms.

Totally oblivious to what was in store for us that evening, Siya and I casually enjoyed each other's company, while lazing around on the couch, watching reality television.

"Thandi, hey.", Nokuthula phoned, "I need for you and Siya to please make your way to the country house as soon as possible. Mom is not feeling well."

"We will be right there!", I hurriedly hung up, "Babe, we have to quickly drive to the country house. Apparently, mom is not feeling well. Please grab my purse and car keys, while I quickly grab my coat."

Upon our swift arrival, Siya and I noticed a lot of fancy cars parked outside mom's house. Totally perplexed, and more anxious than we were when we left the apartment, Siya and I barged through the front door, only to find almost everyone we have ever met, huddled up around the dining table, casually sipping champagne.

"SURPRISE!", everyone rejoiced, while Siya and I just stood there in crippling shock.

"I do not understand. What is going on? Nokuthula, where is mom?"

"I am right here, baby girl.", mom said, as she surfaced from the patio, "this, my babies, is your engagement party. You see all these people here? They are all here to celebrate your beautiful love."

Completely overcome with astonishment, Siya and I became all emotional, as the waterworks started taking over.

"Enough with the tears now, this is not a funeral. We are here to party!", Maxwell teased, as he handed both Siya and I a glass of champagne."

"Thank you all so much for doing this for my gorgeous fiancé and me. We are beyond speechless and overcome with gratitude", Siya said.

"You all look so incredibly beautiful. I now feel so underdressed", I teasingly said, "we were already in our nightwear when Nokuthula urgently called..."

"Fear not, my beautiful sister.", Nokuthula interjected, "We knew that you would not rock up in your red-carpet gear, so Maxwell and I bought the two of you brand new outfits. Maxwell, please accompany Siya to the guest room, where he will find his suit and tie waiting for him. Thandi, come with me."

"OMG! You all thought of everything. I do not know what to say. Thank you so much, you guys.", I sobbed.

"That is what family is for, sis.", Nokuthula replied, "now before the waterworks return, let us start making our way to the other guest room, which is where you will find the gorgeous little black number I personally handpicked for you."

"Nokuthula, this dress is beyond spectacular. OMG! You are the best sister ever!", I sobbed, as I tried on the designer dress that Nokuthula handpicked for me.

"I am glad that you like it, sis. Siya can hardly resist you as it is. Once he sees you in this little curve hugging number, he will go insane."

"You reckon?"

"I mean look at how bootylicious you are. He is guaranteed to lose all his morals when he sees you tonight."

"Tell me, which guest room is Siya getting dressed in?"

"The one upstairs, right opposite the pantry.", Nokuthula replied, suspiciously, "I know that look on your face. What is going on in that mind of yours?"

"Let us just say that once I am all glammed up, I am going to give Mr Radebe a little sneak peek into what he will be unwrapping later on tonight."

While Nokuthula was helping me with my hair and make-up, Siya received a surprise visit from an old friend of his, as he was getting dressed in the guest room.

"You always did look good in a suit", he said, as he casually waltzed into Siya's room.

"Shaka?!", Siya exclaimed in astonishment, "what are you doing here?"

"Is that any way to greet an old friend?"

"Please forgive me. It is just that I did not expect to see you again, especially not at my engagement party. Last I heard, you were living it up in London with your wife."

"She and I broke up a year ago. After wrapping up the divorce, I thought it best to return to South Africa. There is no place like home."

"I am so sorry to hear that, man. What happened?"

"She and I both realised that our marriage was built on lies. She tried her level best to be the perfect bride that both our families groomed her to be, but I was never happy in the marriage. From the very beginning, it felt like a total sham of a union. She claims to have known from the day that I reluctantly said, 'I Do', that my heart already belonged to someone else. For years, I tenaciously tried to deny my truth. I even created this hybrid persona or alter-ego, who thought that he could somehow make the marriage work. Throughout the entire marriage, I found myself constantly walking on ice. But it was not long before the cracks began to show. By then, I knew that I could no longer deny or try to change the way I was genetically made. Walking out on you all those years ago, still tortures me to this day. There is not a day that goes by, that I do not regret choosing my family's wishes over you. When I heard that you were getting married, I knew that I would never forgive myself if I did not do everything in my power to make you mine again, before it was too late."

"I am incredibly sorry to hear that your marriage did not work out, but what you and I shared is in the past. Yes, I was heartbroken when you walked out on me. But I have since moved on with my life. Back then, I was convinced that I knew what love was. But clearly, I had no idea. It was not until I met an angel in person, that I was introduced to the true meaning of love. Thandi is my soulmate, and I intend on spending the rest of my life with her. Unfortunately for you, there is nothing you can do to break the incomparable bond that Thandi and I share."

"Well, we will see about that, lover boy.", Shaka haughtily said, as he forcefully leaned in to smother Siya with an unexpected kiss.

Before Siya could pull away, I untimely walked in on them. Donning a devastated and bewildered look, as tears came rushing down my face, I swiftly ran out of the room.

"Thandi, this is not what it looks like. I can explain.", Siya said, as he swiftly ran out after me.

"What is there to explain, Siya?!", I furiously exclaimed, "I saw everything that needed to be seen. How are you going to explain sticking your tongue down another man's throat, at our engagement party, in my own mother's house? You know what, I am actually curious – for how long were you going to play me for a fool? When were you planning on telling me that you are gay?"

"Baby, I am not gay. I am bisexual. I should have told you when we first started dating, but I was too consumed with fear. I was afraid that I would lose you. Shaka is my ex-boyfriend. We dated for a few years when I was still in university. Immediately after our graduation, we broke up, when he decided to walk out on me to abide by his family's wishes of taking a bride to carry on the family name. Up until now, I have not seen him since we broke up 6 years ago. I had no idea that he was going to be here, or that he was going to pull a fast one on me by smothering me with an unsolicited kiss."

"Do you still love him?"

"No. I feel absolutely nothing for Shaka. I got over him years before I met you. I even told him that you are my soulmate and that I have every intention of spending the rest of my life with you. You have to believe me. That kiss meant absolutely nothing to me. My only sin is not being honest with you about my sexuality. For that, I am truly sorry. Please forgive me."

"Take your apologies and shove them where the sun does not shine. You can go back to your precious Shaka for all I care. I refuse to be with a liar. On top of that, I refuse to be with a man that has a thing for other men. For all I know, you could have been using me all this time to cover up the fact that you are actually gay."

"I understand that this is a lot for you to take in, but I beg of you to please give me a chance to explain everything to you so that I can make you understand. I have never loved anyone nearly as much as I love you. I have no reason to use you as a cover up. I came out to my parents when I was still in university, and they have been completely accepting of my sexuality. I have lost count of the number of girls that have all walked out on me upon telling them the truth about my sexuality. The vicious cycle crippled me in the fear that history would always repeat itself, which is why I kept the truth from you. I kept the truth from you because I could not bear to risk losing you. I would rather go blind than to see you walk away from me. That is how much I love you."

"Well then, I suggest you go and buy yourself a guide dog, a cane, and some prophylaxis while you are at it, because you and I are finished. Here, take your damn ring!"

As I swiftly walked away, Maxwell came along, "There you guys are! Jonathan and I have been looking all over for you two. Your guests are eagerly waiting for you downstairs."

"Maxwell, please go downstairs and tell everybody that the engagement is off.", I said, as I ran up to my bedroom.

"Siya, what the hell just happened?"

"You heard the lady. The engagement is off.", Siya replied, as he rushed out of the house through the emergency exit.

Totally perplexed as to what was going on, Maxwell strolled downstairs to break the news to a room full of jovial guests.

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I please have your attention.", Maxwell commenced, "I have no idea what is going on, but I have just been informed by the bride and groom that the engagement is off."

"What do you mean the engagement is off?", Nokuthula replied, "I was with Thandi just a few minutes ago, and she was beside herself with excitement. What happened? Where are they?"

"As I said, I have no idea what is going on. Jonathan and I went upstairs, looking for them. When I eventually found them, they were both emotional wrecks. Thandi instructed me to break the news to you all, before she ran off to her room. Upon echoing what Thandi said, Siya just took off through the emergency exit."

"This does not make any sense.", mom said, as she swiftly ran upstairs to check up on me.

"Thandi. Baby girl, please unlock the door."

After incessantly knocking, unsuccessfully, mom eventually strolled downstairs to address a crowd of anxiously anticipating guests.

"I would like to thank everyone for taking time out of your busy schedules to come celebrate with us tonight. I too am in the dark as to what is happening. The only thing that we can do is to give Thandi and Siya the time and space that they need to figure things out. My sincere apologies. Please travel safely."

After locking myself up for three whole days, the morning came, whereby I eventually emerged from my bedroom. I then proceeded to give Nokuthula and my mother a detailed account of everything that transpired that night. Just as I was about to book myself into a hotel, Nokuthula and mom decided that it would be best to be around family during such a painful time, so I ended up moving back home with them.

Siya, on the other hand, chose to remain situated in the apartment that we briefly shared. There is not a day that goes by that he did not try to reach out to me. He made a daily ritual of leaving hundreds of voicemail messages, to the point where I even had to change my number. He morbidly drank his sorrows away to the point where business began to suffer. Due to his gross negligence, Siya was forcefully unseated by the company's Board of Directors, paving the way for the appointment of a new CEO. Siya spent his drunken days, cooped up inside the apartment, morbidly scrolling through our old pictures.

"Siya, it is me, Shaka. Are you in there?", Shaka said, while knocking incessantly on Siya's front door.

"What do you want?", Siya replied, as he opened the door, "I am not in the mood for company."

"I just want to be here for you, that is all. We do not even have to talk if you do not want to. We can just watch a silly reality show, or listen to some music. Just please do not shut me out. Allow me to be here for you. As a friend, if nothing more."

"Fine, come on in."

"Thank you. So, tell me – how have you been?"

"Let me see – the love of my life wants nothing to do with me, and I have been fired from my own family's company. I have absolutely nothing. How do you think I have been?"

"You are wrong, you know. You may have lost Thandi and the company, but you still have me. I promise to never leave your side. I made the mistake of walking out on you once. It was a mistake that I do not intend on making again."

"Shaka, I really appreciate your coming over here to check up on me. But I do not want you to get the wrong idea. Thandi may have walked out on me, but in no way, does that mean that this is a chance for you and me to be together. Thandi and I are like peanut butter and jelly – we belong together. This is not the end of the road for us. She just needs time to think things through. Once she is ready, she will return to me. I am convinced."

"I really hate to say this, but you are being highly delusional right now. I overheard everything that Thandi said to you that night, and from what I overheard, it is clear that Thandi no longer wants you in her life. Deep down, you know that I am right. If you truly believed that all Thandi needs is time before she comes running back to you, then you would not be drinking your life away like this. Deep down, you know that Thandi will never accept you for who you truly are."

"Thandi will eventually come around. I know her. For now, she has every reason to be upset. I should have told her about my sexuality from the very get go."

"If you truly believed that she was your soulmate, you would have told her that you are bisexual a long time ago. The fact that you felt the need to lie to the supposed love of your life about who you really are says a lot, Siya. Wake up. If that girl genuinely loved you, she would not have called off the engagement. She would have been willing to love every part of you. I do not understand why you choose to mope over someone who clearly does not give a damn about you. It breaks my heart to see you like this."

"It breaks your heart? You have got to be kidding me. This is all your doing. Had you not tried to seduce me at my own engagement party, none of this would be happening. Thandi and I would still be together."

"You can blame me all you want, but I did you a favour. You deserve to be with someone who is going to love all of you; not just fragmented portions that so happen to be convenient to love."

"Let me guess. That person is you, right?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, that person is me. Look, I may be a far cry from perfection, but you cannot deny that I loved every part of you back then. In fact, I still love you now as much as I did back in the day. I was a fool to have ever walked out on you. I was too much of a people's pleaser back then. I was a stupid coward that was too consumed with what people would say about me being with another man. But I am no longer that same person. I now know exactly who I am and what I want, and that is you, Siya. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about the wonderful love that we once shared. You were my first, you know. You never forget your first. The only reason why I decided to come back to South Africa was so that I could make things right with you. I know that I hurt you, but can you honestly not find it in your heart to forgive me? I am so sorry that I left to begin with, but I am back now, and I have come to get what is mine."

"I do not think that you realise just how many sleepless nights I had, anxiously waiting for you to come back to me. I genuinely loved you, Shaka. In fact, I thought that you and I would spend forever together. Yes, I was extremely hurt when you walked out on me, but I understood your reasons for doing so. I forgave you a long time ago. I often prayed on bended knee that I would someday be reunited with you. Had you told me all that you are now saying to me 5 years ago, before I met Thandi, I would have probably taken you back in a heartbeat. But I have since moved on with my life. I no longer feel for you what you want me to. However, I will always care deeply for you. After all, you were also my first. But unfortunately, things have changed. Our lives have been rearranged. My heart now belongs to someone else. The best that I can offer you is friendship. We were once best friends, long before we started dating in university. I would really like to have my old friend back. So, what do you say – friends?"

"I will always love you, Siya Radebe. I still believe that someday you will realise that you and I belong together. However, I am not blind to the fact that your heart now belongs to Thandi. In my opinion, that girl does not deserve your love, after the way she treated you. But if she makes you happy then so be it. I just want you to be happy. If happiness is that girl, then I sincerely hope that she comes back to her senses soon, so that the two of you can get married and live happily ever after. In the meantime, I intend on reclaiming my rightful place in your life as the best friend."

"Thank you for being so understanding. I am so glad that I have you back in my life. I could really use a friend right now."

"Do not sweat it. I have survived the friendzone before. I am sure that I can survive it again. Now that we got all that out of the way, we need to get you all cleaned up. I did not want to say this earlier on, but you are a hot mess, my friend. Not to mention this pigsty of an apartment that you call home. It just reeks of alcohol. When was the last time you spring cleaned?"

"I can barely remember when last I took a shower, let alone when last I spring cleaned the whole apartment. I have just not been able to bring myself to do anything since Thandi moved out."

"Okay, that is it. I am moving in with you, at least just until you sort your life out. That is not a request, I am telling you. You need somebody who is going to clean up around here and make sure that you are not drinking yourself to an early grave."

"You do not have to move in. I can hire a cleaning company to do that. There is no need for you to fuss, I promise."

"I recall telling you that this was not a request. You are in no position to be living alone in this huge apartment at a time like this. I see no reason why two friends should not move in together, while the one helps the other get his life back on track. Do you?"

"I have a feeling that you are not going to let this one up. I guess there is no harm in you moving in with me, temporarily. I mean there is plenty of space; the guest room is pretty comfortable, and I could do with the company of a good friend."

"Then it is sorted. Let me quickly request a moving company to transport all my stuff from my hotel suite. In the meantime, give me that bottle and go take a shower. I will make you something to eat as soon as I am done with the request."

Shaka did everything in his power to help Siya get back on his feet. He even manged to convince Siya to stop drinking his life away. It was not long before their bromance was rekindled. However, to Shaka's dismay, their relationship remained platonic. Siya relentlessly held on to the hope that someday, he and I would get back together again.

# CHAPTER 5: THE BOY IS MINE

"Hey, friend.", Maxwell greeted, upon my arrival for our lunch date, "How have you been?"

"I am alright thanks. It is a beautiful day; the birds are singing. Life is but a dream."

"But on your face, I can see the pain. This is me that you are talking to. You do not have to pretend that you are happy, you know."

"I could never get anything past you, could I? I had hoped that by pretending to be happy and to have it all together, that one day I would wake up to happiness being my true reality."

"Have you spoken to Siya? I had hoped that you guys would have resolved your issues by now."

"I want nothing to do with that man. He can go to hell for all I care."

"I never asked about what went down between the two of you, because for the longest of time, you were so upset, and I thought it best to give you time to cool off. But now, I find myself curious as to what really went down that night. I mean, the one minute you two were madly in love, preparing to spend the rest of your lives together; the next, you want nothing to do with him."

"When I went to go surprise him in the guest room, I walked in on him kissing another man. But according to Siya, the kiss was totally unsolicited. He claims to have been ambushed."

"What?! Who is this other man? Why on earth would he ambush Siya like that?"

"His name is Shaka. Apparently, he and Siya dated a while back, while they were still in university."

"I do not know what to say, friend. Usually, my gaydar is always on point when it comes to these things. How could I not have seen this coming? Thandi, I am so sorry that you had to find out that way."

"Well, technically Siya claims to be bisexual, so I guess that is probably why your gaydar could not pick anything up. I do not know how these things work."

"Whoa, so Siya is not gay?"

"Apparently not. But you know what, either way, I could not give a damn. I refuse to be with a man who has a thing for other men. It is disgusting and unnatural. I cannot believe that I shared a bed with that man for 4 whole years. It sickens me to even think about it."

"WOW! In all the years that we have been friends, I never once figured you to be the homophobic type."

"OMG! That completely came out wrong. I did not mean anything by it. I am not homophobic. I mean, one of my best friends is gay, and you know how much I love you."

"Well, you may not be homophobic, but you certainly are biphobic. All this time, I thought that Siya cheated on you or something, which would explain why you called off the engagement. Now you are telling me that you walked out on a good man that loves you more than life itself, just because he is bisexual? WOW."

"You do not understand, Maxwell. At least when you and Jonathan walk into a room, you know exactly where you stand. You know that the both of you are just into men. With Siya and I, the whole damn room is his oyster. What if he wakes up one day wanting to be with a man? What if he cheats on me? I have no problem competing with other women, but I refuse to compete with another man. In fact, how can I?"

"You are right when you say that the whole room is his oyster. The truth of the matter is that Siya is not straight and he is not gay. He is a bisexual man, which means that he has twice as many options to choose from than a heterosexual or homosexual man does. Of all the options that he has, he still chose to be with you for 4 whole years. What does that say to you? In all the time that you two have been together, has he ever cheated on you, or given you any reason to believe that he has ever been unfaithful?"

"No. Not at all."

"Siya did not start becoming bisexual the night you found out that he is bisexual. He has been bisexual all his life, including the 4 years that you two have been together. In all that time, have you ever felt insecure about having to compete with other men and women?"

"No..."

"Why do you think that is?"

"No matter where we went or who was present, Siya always made me feel like I was the only person in the entire room."

"You see? With all the options that that he had to choose from, he could have been busy eying other men or women. Instead, he had eyes only for you. If that does not convince you how much that man truly loves you, and is loyal to you, then I do not know what will. You have no idea how much Jonathan and I look up to the beautiful love and incredible bond that you and Siya share. Siya is a good man, and he adores you. Please do not punish him for being who he had no choice in being."

"I never thought about it that way before...OMG, Maxwell! I cannot believe how much of a biphobic cow I have been. Siya has been nothing but loyal and loving to me, and I just threw his love right back in his face. I did not even give him the time of day when he frequently tried to reach out to me. How could I have been so stupid?"

"You were not stupid, friend. You were just afraid, because you found yourself in a situation that you never thought that you would ever find yourself in. I am sure that when you were a little girl, you always thought that you would someday fall in love with, and marry a heterosexual man. After all, that is the only image of love that has ever been portrayed in the media, for as long as I can remember. Only in recent years, has gay love found some prominence in mainstream media. However, rarely, if ever, does one get to see bisexual love being portrayed in the media. By dismissing and essentially excluding bisexuality in mainstream media, people end up questioning the very existence of the bisexual person, thus resulting in further bi-erasure. Because of bi-erasure, bisexual stories often go untold. When stories are untold, one naturally assumes that they do not exist. So, please do not blame yourself for not being exposed to bisexuality earlier on in life. Knowing what you now know, I plead with you to please understand why Siya kept the truth about his sexuality from you. The unfortunate reality is that straight girls often discriminate against bisexual men for not subscribing to society's definition of hyper-masculinity. Inasmuch as you were crippled by fear, so was he."

"Everything that you are saying makes absolute sense. I just wish that I had known what I now know before I called things off with him. I insulted him, Maxwell. You should have heard all the mean things that I said to him. I broke his heart. He is the love of my life. Now I have forever lost him, and it is all my fault."

"Knowing Siya the way that I do, he is probably waiting for you to return to him as we speak. That man is crazy in love with you. I refuse to believe that this is the end of the road for you two. You have not lost him. Not by a long shot. All that you have to do is to go back to his apartment. When you get there, I want you to tell him how sorry you are, and how much you love him. I promise you, he will forgive you in a heartbeat."

"But what if he has already moved on with his life? What if he wants nothing to do with me, Maxwell? I mean, the tabloids say that our breakup drove him to the bottle, which is why he got hired from his own family's company. He probably hates me."

"He has had it rough these past few weeks, but that is even more reason for you to reach out to him. He needs you in his life now more than ever. Yes, you hurt him, but the Siya that I have come to know and adore, is a very forgiving soul. He loves you very much. He is always telling Nokuthula and I that you are his soulmate."

"You are right. Siya and I belong together. I walked out on him once. I refuse to make the same mistake twice. Thank you so much, friend. You have really opened my eyes today. I am so lucky to have a wise friend like you in my life. Here is some money. You can order anything you want, on me. I have to go."

"You know that I never say no to a free lunch, so thank you. But where are you off to in such a hurry?"

"I am off to make things right with my man."

"Now that is what I am talking about."

I swiftly drove off to Siya's apartment, in the hopes that we would be able to talk things through and eventually reunite. Eagerly anticipating the look on his face as I rang the doorbell, my surprise visit was met with a bewildering surprise that rivalled all surprises.

"Thandi, to what do we owe this visit?", Shaka greeted, as he opened the door.

"Hi. Is Siya here? I urgently need to talk to him."

"Siya is quite preoccupied at the moment, if you know what I mean..."

"No. As a matter of fact, I do not know what you mean. In fact, what are you doing here? Last time I checked, this was still my apartment with the love of my life."

"Oops! Did Siya not tell you that he asked me to move in with him? You see, he and I are back together again, and we are now stronger than ever. In fact, if you do not mind, Siya is eagerly waiting for me in the bedroom that he and I share. I would absolutely hate to keep my stallion waiting, so if you do not mind..."

"I know my way out. Have a good day."

"Bye...", Shaka waved, as he rudely shut the door behind me.

"I knew that I heard voices. Who was that?", Siya asked, as he made his way out of the shower.

"No one important. Just some kid who wanted raffle money for his school. I gave him a very generous donation, on behalf of the both of us."

"Oh, that was incredibly thoughtful of you, Shaka. Thanks. It was probably little Thomas from next door. He usually pays Thandi and I a visit every now and then. Thandi is so fond of that kid. You know, I still pray on bended knee that someday, Thandi will miraculously ring that doorbell and tell me that she never stopped loving me."

"Perhaps Thandi just needs some more time. Siya, I know that you do not want to hear this, but does it ever cross your mind that just maybe, Thandi has moved on with her life?"

"I try not to entertain those thoughts, because they will drive me crazy. I would rather hold on to the belief that Thandi will someday ring that doorbell. That will be the happiest day of my life."

Totally devastated and heartbroken, I drove right back to the restaurant in the hope that I would still find Maxwell lunching there.

"Hey...that was quick.", Maxwell said, donning a perplexed look on his face, "what are you doing back here? I thought that you were headed over to Siya's place."

"I just came from Siya's place, and you will never believe who opened the front door for me upon my arrival."

"Who?"

"Shaka. I rang the doorbell, eagerly awaiting the expression on Siya's face, only for Shaka to open the door. You should have seen him, Maxwell. He carried on like he owned the place, claiming that he and Siya are back together again. He practically threw me out of the apartment."

"He did what? Oh hell no. I think that it is time I had a man to man talk with this Shaka character. Who the hell does he think he is?"

"It is not worth it, Maxwell. Besides, he did not even lay a finger on me. I just cannot believe how quickly Siya moved on. According to Shaka, they were in the middle of having sex before I interrupted them."

"I am so sorry, Thandi. This is all my fault. Had I not convinced you into driving there, you would not have run into that man stealer. I was just so convinced that Siya would be patiently awaiting your arrival."

"Well, I guess we were both wrong. This is all my doing. I am the one who drove Siya straight into the arms of another man. Shaka was there for him when I failed to be. I have lost him forever, Maxwell. I have lost my Siya, and it is all my fault."

"Come here, friend. Everything is going to be alright. Please do not blame yourself. We all make mistakes. You are only human."

After lunching together, Maxwell accompanied me back to the country house. Upon our arrival, Maxwell and I gave mom and Nokuthula a detailed account of everything that happened that day.

"My baby, it breaks my heart to see you hurting like this.", mom said, "I know how much you love Siya, and I have seen how much Siya adores you. I do not know anything about this Shaka person, but I know that he is no match for you, baby girl. He does not have what it takes to break the beautiful bond that you and Siya share. No one does. I have given you enough time to cry your eyeballs out. Now it is time for you to pull yourself together and fight for your man. If you really want Siya back, you are going to have to do everything in your power to get him back."

"But what do you expect me to do, mom? I stopped by Siya's apartment, only to find that Shaka has already wormed his way back into Siya's life. Shaka has won, mom. It is now too late to do anything about that."

"It is never too late, baby girl. When you stopped by the apartment, did you get a chance to speak to Siya? In fact, did you even see him?"

"No. I did not."

"Then that is where you need to start. I do not trust this Shaka person. Do not just take his word for it. If Siya has indeed moved on, you need to hear it directly from the horse's mouth..."

"Mom is right, you know.", Nokuthula interjected, "Shaka may have been his first love, but you are his true love. From what you told us, this Shaka character realised that he made a mistake by walking out on Siya all those years ago. Siya is a catch, sis. Believe me when I say that Shaka will stop at nothing to worm his way back into Siya's life. Just like Shaka, you have just realised the mistake you made by walking out on Siya at the engagement party. The only difference between Shaka and yourself, is that unlike you, Shaka is willing to do everything in his power to get Siya back. I need for you to stop feeling sorry for yourself and fight. You will never forgive yourself if you let Shaka take Siya away from you, without putting on a fight."

"You guys are right. I love Siya way too much to just sit by and watch Shaka take him away from me."

"Now that is the spirit!", Maxwell exclaimed, "you go, girl!"

Just as I was about to walk out of the house, a blast from the past rang the doorbell.

"I wonder who that could be...", mom said.

"Do not worry, mom. I will get it", Nokuthula responded. When Nokuthula opened the door, she was met with the shock of a lifetime.

"Mom?!", she exclaimed, while donning a surprised look on her face.

"Nokuthula, hi. How are you?"

"Who is it, my angel?", mom asked, as she approached the front door, "...Patricia?! What the hell are you doing in my house?"

"Florence. You have not aged a bit. How do you keep your skin so clear?"

"I am certain that you did not come all this way to exchange beauty tips, so it is either you quickly state your case, or you kick rocks. Which one is it going to be?"

"Last night, I stumbled upon Nokuthula's television interview, when she was promoting her new book. I could not be prouder of you, sweet girl."

"Oh, so let me get this straight – for 6 whole years, you consciously chose to not make any contact with this child. Now that she is on television, making a name for herself, you conveniently decide to drop by out of the blue. What do you want? How did you even know where I live?"

"Your daughter is one of the most popular music personalities on the African continent. It was not at all that difficult for me to track you down. I am here for my daughter. I want to make things right..."

"I am not your daughter, do you hear me?", Nokuthula interjected, "you lost the right to call me that all those years ago when you sat by and watched as your disgusting boyfriend sexually assaulted me right throughout my childhood. You are no mother of mine. This right here, is the only mother that I have."

"Florence is not your mother. It is not her blood that runs through your veins. The blood running through your veins belongs to me."

"Being a mother has got nothing to do with blood. Love is what being a mother is about. For your information, love has brought mom and I closer to blood. Her love for me overfloweth; it runneth over. That is more than what I can say for your empty love."

"I am so sorry for not protecting you, my baby. As your mother, I should have protected you, but I did not. I failed you. For that I am truly sorry."

"So, you think that coming here after all these years to deliver a simple 'sorry' is going to magically fix everything? Is your 'sorry' supposed to erase all the pain that you have caused me?"

"I know that there is nothing that I can say or do to erase the past, but I truly am sorry. Could you please find it in your heart to forgive me?"

"I have often wondered how I would feel if I were to ever be in the same room as you again. A part of me still wants to hate you. But I refuse to hold on to the past at the expense of my destiny. I forgave you a long time ago. Not because I condone what you did, or that I am exonerating you from your sins, but because I owe it to myself to live a life free from hatred and animosity. Hating you would have only sent me to an early grave. I am actually glad that you are here, because I want to thank you. I want to thank you for being such an awful mother. Had you not been the lousy mother that you were to me, Thandi's mom would not have adopted me. She is the best mother that anyone could have ever asked for. So, I thank you. Thanks to you being such an awful mother, I now have a university degree, which is something you and your boyfriend always told me that I would never acquire. Look at God! I want to thank you, because if it were not for you being such a useless mother, I would not have been blessed with the incredible family that I now have. Look around you. Mom, Thandi, and Maxwell – they are my family. Unlike you, they understand the true meaning of unconditional and overflowing love. Now I know you well enough to know that you do not do anything without a reason. If you came all the way here in search of forgiveness, then you will walk away a very wealthy woman, because I am giving you truckloads of it. However, coming here in search of forgiveness would imply that you have a conscious, which is something you and I both know is not within your DNA. So, tell me, how much do you want?"

"I did come to apologise you know. But now that you touch on the topic of money, I could do with a few thousands. R12 000 to be exact. I am up to my eyeballs in debt and I am afraid that my house will soon be repossessed if I do not settle at least some of my debts. Please help me out just this once and I promise I will never bother you ever again..."

"You have got to be kidding me.", mom interjected, "you have some nerve coming all the way here just to swindle money from your own flesh and blood. Have you no shame? What kind of a mother are you?"

"It is okay, mom. I am going to write her a cheque for R12 000. Just because I forgive you, does not mean that I want you in my life. So, I want you to cash this cheque and leave my mom's house. Do not for a second think that you are going to receive another dime from me, okay?"

"I know what you all think of me. You all think that I am such a horrible parent. But I loved you the best way I knew how. My mother was a drug addict and a whore. Growing up, she often traded me for R50 and a quick fix, to every willing man on the streets. I was traded from man to man until the age of 18. When I gave birth to you at the tender age of 18, I hated you, because you were a constant reminder of your conception. My mother did not care to put me through school. I had to shoplift just so that I could put clothes on my back. We constantly moved from one shack to the next. By putting you in school, buying you clothes, and placing a roof over your head, I thought that I was being a good enough parent. But other than providing the basic necessities, I could not bring myself to love you the way that other mothers loved their children. I never once held you in my arms – not even when I delivered you at the hospital. Not once do I recall ever giving you a kiss, or singing you a lullaby. I was well aware of the fact that Thulani was sexually harassing you throughout your childhood. But what was I supposed to do? He was the major breadwinner. After your father died, I was unable to pay the bills. I was in financial ruins. There was only so much that I could afford on a measly security guard's salary. Thulani may not have been perfect, but he took care of everything in the household. I was afraid that if I left him, the vicious cycle would repeat itself. I swore to myself that I would never go back to life on the streets. Little did I know that the vicious cycle had already repeated itself in the worst way possible. Like my mother, I sat back and watched while my daughter was sexually assaulted throughout her childhood. Like my mother, I did nothing. I am sorry that I am not the perfect mother than Florence has been to you, but how could I have possibly given to you that which I have never received myself as a child? You can all stand there, and look down on me all you want, but fact of the fact of the matter is that I loved you the best way I knew how."

"You never told me any of this. I am so sorry that you went through all of that. No child deserves to be subjected to the cruel life that you found yourself living. I now understand how you turned out the way you did. Look, I do not hate you. I meant it when I said that I forgave you a long time ago. Now, I may be understanding of how you got to be where you are. But in no way, does that mean that you have to stay where you are. You are the captain of your own ship, meaning that you can steer your life in whichever direction that you wish. I have forgiven the past. I hope and pray that you too will find it in your heart to forgive the past. In life, we have no control over what happens to us. However, we have every bit of control over how we respond to whatever happens to us. If you decide that you genuinely want to turn your life around, I am willing to help you, in whichever way I can. If you choose to see a therapist, I am willing to pay for as many therapy sessions as you need. Should you want to build a relationship with me down the line, I am willing to give us a chance to get to know each other better. In an attempt to heal our relationship, I am even willing to attend joint therapy sessions with you. However, in no way are you going to fill the role of my mother, because that role has already been filled. My mom is irreplaceable. So, what do you have to say?"

"How is it possible that I, Patricia Velemani, gave birth to such an amazing young woman?", Patricia sobbed, "I am well aware of the fact that I could never replace Florence in your life. In fact, I have no desire to. She will forever be your mother. I am just glad that you are willing to heal our relationship. I would like nothing more than to build a proper relationship with my only child. I truly appreciate your offer to pay for my therapy sessions. I will take you up on that. It is high time I stopped playing the victim. I owe it to the both of us, to at the very least try to heal the wounds of the past. Thank you so much for finding it in your heart to forgive me. Your forgiveness has literally set me free. I am genuinely sorry for not being the mother that you deserved growing up. It is a miracle that you turned out to be such a wonderful, sweet young lady. I suppose that I have Florence to thank for that. Thank you so much, Florence, for loving my daughter like your very own flesh and blood. There are not a lot of women out there who would willingly raise another woman's child as their own. You are a truly remarkable woman and mother."

"Raising Nokuthula has been an absolute joy for me. She is my daughter and I love her so incredibly much. I am very protective of my babies, so if you dare hurt her again, you will have me to deal with, do you hear me? I am so sorry to hear about your past. I would not wish your pain on my worst enemy. Inasmuch as I intend to always be present in Nokuthula's life, it would make me very happy for her to build a relationship with her birthmother. Life is too short. I want both of you to see this as an opportunity to redress the mistakes of the past. Now that reconciliation between the two of you is possible, let it be glorious."

Nokuthula and her birthmother immediately started attending their joint therapy sessions. Her relationship with Nokuthula is gradually beginning to heal. Nokuthula has helped Patricia pay off all her outstanding debts. In addition to that, Nokuthula sends her birth-mother grocery money on a monthly basis to help alleviate Patricia's financial burden. Nokuthula's reconciliation with Patricia has healed Nokuthula's spirit so gloriously.

# CHAPTER 6: HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER

"Just when you thought today's concert could not be any more perfect, today's festivities will end with a dazzling climax by a global superstar. She is the real deal – she writes; she sings; she has got the moves. She is the complete package. She is also the first woman to be selected to headline this annual concert in its entire 25-year history. Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to give it up for the one and only, Thandi Nyati!", the host announced as she introduced my headlining performance.

To be the first woman to ever headline a concert of that magnitude was an absolute honour for me. To this day, it is still mind boggling that no other woman before me has ever been asked to headline. I mean, there have been plenty of phenomenal female musicians who have come before me. Because of the historical nature of the moment, I was determined to prove a point. I was determined to show Africa that as female musicians, we are just as talented as our male counterparts, if not more so. On top of that, I had another point to prove. It was the first time that I had performed on stage, since my highly publicized break-up with Siya. I was determined to give an electrifying and unforgettable performance. However, fate had other plans. In the middle of my set, I found myself rushing backstage to uncontrollably regurgitate. Refusing to allow myself to be crippled by embarrassment, I decided that the show must go on, so I swiftly made my way back on stage. The high energy performance I delivered to overcompensate for my embarrassing moment, saw me once again, rushing backstage to uncontrollably regurgitate.

Out of sheer concern for my health and well-being, I was forbidden by my manager from going back on stage to complete my set. Overcome with worry and anxiety, Nokuthula swiftly made her way backstage to find out what the matter was. Totally perplexed by my sudden urges to regurgitate, I had no idea what was going on with my body. Fearing the worst, Nokuthula rushed me over to the hospital to receive urgent medical attention. After running multiple blood tests, repeatedly, my blood results were conclusive. I was 8 weeks pregnant.

"OMG! Thandi, you are going to be a mom!", Nokuthula gushingly exclaimed, "I cannot wait to meet my little niece or nephew."

"I still cannot believe that I am pregnant.", I gushed, as I dotingly caressed my belly, "I have always dreamt of being a mother someday. I just never thought that I would be a single mother at the age of 22."

"What are you talking about? Once you tell Siya that you are expecting his child, he is going to come running back to you in a heartbeat. Siya already loves you to the moon and back. Once he knows that you are carrying his baby, he will not think twice about leaving Shaka to build a family with you. Your pregnancy actually could not have come at a better time."

"Siya cannot know that I am carrying his child, Nokuthula. I have no intention of telling him."

"Why on earth would you want to keep your pregnancy a secret from him?"

"You said it yourself, Nokuthula. Once Siya realises that I am pregnant, he will want to leave Shaka for me..."

"And that is a bad thing because?", Nokuthula interjected.

"Do you not get it? The only reason that Siya would want to get back together with me, would be out of obligation. He is a good man with strong family values, so I know that he would want to do the 'right thing'. But I love him way too much to use our baby as bait to trap him. He is back together with Shaka, and according to Shaka, they are now stronger than ever."

"What you are saying makes absolutely no sense, Thandi. Siya is crazy about you. This child will simply remind him of the incredible love that you two once shared. If he so happens to choose you and the baby over Shaka then so be it. All is fair in love and war. Do you think for one second that if Shaka was the one carrying Siya's baby, that he would think twice about milking the situation to his advantage? What happened to you being prepared to fight for your man?"

"I was dead serious about doing everything in my power to get Siya back. In fact, after my performance today, I was planning on stopping by his apartment again. But now, everything has changed. What if Siya actually loves Shaka way more than he does me? After all, Shaka was his first love. No matter how much he loves Shaka, Siya would still be willing to walk out on him just so that he can build a life with the mother of his child. That is just the principled man that Siya is. Let us face it, unlike me, Shaka is unable to birth Siya a child. Therefore, me using my pregnancy as a weapon, gives me an unfair advantage. I wanted Siya to choose me over Shaka because he genuinely loves me more than he does Shaka. Not because I have trapped him into choosing a life with me."

"Although I do not agree with what you are saying, I do understand where you are coming from. But tell me this, how on earth do you plan on keeping your pregnancy a secret from him? I mean, soon you are going to start showing. A baby bump is not exactly a secret that you can keep hidden forever, you know. Especially considering the fact that you are an extremely prominent public figure. Even if you were to somehow manage to get past the paparazzi, what are you going to do with the baby once he or she is born?"

"I have not thought that far, alright!", I nervously interjected, "I do not know, Nokuthula. I just found out about my pregnancy a few minutes ago..."

"Exactly! You are not thinking straight. Your hormones are all over the place. I do not care what unfair advantage this baby is going to give you over Shaka. The fact of the matter is, Siya is this baby's father. He has every right to know the truth. If you do not tell him about this pregnancy, I will."

"Fine. I guess you are right. Inasmuch as I do not want to use my baby as bait to get Siya back, he does deserve to know that he is going to be a father. He is so good with children, Nokuthula. You should see how fond he is of his neighbour's kid, Thomas. I have no doubt in my mind that Siya is going to be an incredible dad."

"You see? Now, you are starting to speak sensibly. What I am now going to do is that I am personally going to drive you to Siya's apartment. This time around, you are not leaving that apartment without speaking to Siya. As for that Shaka person he is shacking up with, leave him to me. I will make sure that he stays in his lane."

Upon our swift arrival on Siya's doorstep, Nokuthula and I came face to face with Shaka, as he opened the door.

"So, you must be the temporary roommate I have heard so much about", Nokuthula said, "now be a good boy and tell your roommate that the love of his life is here to see him."

"I do not know who you are, but the love of my life is unavailable at the moment. He is in the middle of an important conference call. Care to leave a message?"

"Trust me when I say that you do not want to know who I am, Shaka. You see right next to me is my sister. This right here is the apartment that she shares with her man. I do not take kindly to people who mess with my family. So, I would step aside if I were you. Siya? Are you in there?"

"For the last time, I told you. Siya is unavailable at the moment. You can make an appointment to see him some other time."

"Shaka, who is at the door?", Siya asked as he approached the front door, "Thandi. You are here. Nokuthula, hi. Please, come on in."

"It is so good to see you again.", I gushingly said, as I helplessly stared into Siya's mesmerizing eyes, "Please forgive us for disturbing you. I know that you were in the middle of an important conference call. I just had to see you. There is something rather important that I need to talk to you about."

"Conference call? What are you talking about? I was just making a sandwich in the kitchen."

"Maybe Shaka can answer that question.", Nokuthula interjected, "after all, he seems to be under the impression that you are 'unavailable'."

"There must be some sort of misunderstanding, because I have been lazing around all day. Besides, Shaka knows how long I have waited for the day that Thandi would ring my doorbell. Nothing would be more important than seeing Thandi stand before my very eyes. Is that not so, Shaka?"

"Yes. Of course.", Shaka reluctantly replied, "Siya has been waiting anxiously to hear from you again."

"Is that so?", Nokuthula interjected, "well then, in that case, how about you and I step inside the kitchen for a while, while these two catch up. They clearly have a lot to talk about."

"You have no idea how happy I am to have you standing right before me today. There has not been a day that went by, that I did not pray on bended knee to someday find you on my doorstep. How have you been?"

"I wish that I could say that life has been peaches and cream. But, I would be lying if I did. Ever since the breakup, I have been a mere shadow of the person that I used to be. But I now realise that I am to blame for the heartbreak that I have endured. Maxwell made me realise how much of a biphobic cow I have been to you, and for that I am truly sorry. I am so sorry for all the mean and nasty things that I said to you. I am even more sorry for walking out on you. You are a good man, Siya, and you have done nothing but love me from day one. You did not deserve to be treated the way in which I treated you. If I could turn back the hands of time, trust me, I would. I should have reacted differently. I should have trusted you. I should have loved all of you, including your sexuality. But now, I realise that time has gone by, and that things have changed. You have moved on with your life..."

"Baby, whoa", Siya interjected, "moved on with my life? What are you talking about? My life has been a complete wreck ever since you left. I was even on the brink of being institutionalized for morbid alcoholism. In addition to that, I was fired from my own family's company. Above all of that, I was heartbroken, because I had to live life without the love of my life."

"But what about Shaka?"

"What about Shaka?", Siya replied in total bewilderment.

"I thought that the two of you were back together again."

"What? No, never! Shaka offered to move in with me so that he could keep an eye on me to make sure that I was not drinking myself to an early grave. However, Shaka and I have reunited as friends. Other than our rekindled friendship, my relationship with Shaka has been completely platonic. You are the only one that I love. Shaka knows that, and he has finally accepted the fact that my heart beats only for you."

"Are you absolutely certain that Shaka knows that? Because that is not at all what he told me yesterday when I stopped by to see you."

"Whoa, you were here yesterday? I knew I heard voices, but Shaka told me that it was just Thomas asking for raffle money. What exactly did Shaka say to you?"

"Perhaps Thomas did pay you a visit, before or after I stopped by. I do not know. What I do know is that I was on your doorstep around lunchtime yesterday. After my eye-opening conversation with Maxwell, I drove straight here to make things right with you. When I rang the doorbell expecting to see your face, Shaka opened the door instead. He practically insinuated that the two of you were in the middle of having sex before I rudely interrupted you. He then proceeded to tell me that you and he are back together, and that in fact, the two of you are now stronger than ever."

"I cannot believe how calculating and manipulative Shaka has been. Just yesterday, I was crying on his shoulder, wondering if I would ever see you again. Meanwhile, he knew that you had stopped by the apartment to see me. He sat there pretending to be my friend, meanwhile all this time, he was plotting a scheme to keep us apart."

"Wait, so are you telling me that you and Shaka never slept together since we broke up? The two of you are not back together again?"

"No. I made it abundantly clear to Shaka that what he and I shared is in the past. I no longer feel for him what I used to. He may have been my first love, but you, Thandi Nyati, are my true soulmate. You are the true love of my life. True love cannot be threatened. Not by anything, or by anybody. I love you, Thandi. Please tell me that you believe me."

"I do. I believe you with all my heart. How could I have been so stupid? Mom was right – I should never have taken Shaka's word for it. Instead, I should have demanded to speak to you directly."

"Please do not beat yourself up about it, my love. Shaka played us both for fools. I genuinely thought that he wanted to be friends again. But clearly, he was still holding on to the hope that we would someday eventually rekindle our old flame. I should not have allowed him back into my life. I am so sorry, my love."

"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. I am the one who allowed Shaka to creep his way into your life again. Had I not walked out on you, none of this would have happened. You and I would still be engaged, living together in this beautiful apartment; and you would still be in charge of the company. Do you think that you could ever find it in your heart to forgive me for all the pain that I have caused you?"

"What is there to forgive? We have both made our fair share of mistakes. On my part, I should have been honest with you about my sexuality from the very beginning of our relationship. But lamenting over the past will not get us anywhere. What use is there in holding on to the past at the expense of our destiny? Look at what I have here with me. Nothing would make me happier than to see this ring back on your finger."

"I cannot believe that you kept it with you all this time.", I gushed.

"Of course, I did. This engagement ring symbolises the undying love that you and I share. As infinitely circular as this ring is shaped, so is our infinite love. Having it chained around my neck all this time, was the only thing that kept me going. It served as a constant reminder that you and I are far from over. So, if you will still have me, I would like to return this ring to its rightful owner."

"Of course, I will still have you. I love you so much. This time around, I promise to never again part ways with this beautiful symbol of our endless love. Thank you for being such a wonderful man. I promise to love you in and out of time. Today has been overpouring with miracles. Not only are you and I back together again, but I just found out that..."

"Does anyone want something to drink?", Shaka interjected.

"Not everyone is as thirsty as your man-stealing ass.", Nokuthula swiftly responded, "If they wanted something to drink, they know where the kitchen is. After all, it is their apartment. Excuse us, we were just headed back into the kitchen. Carry on..."

"It is okay, Nokuthula. You two can stay.", Siya said, "Thandi and I have the rest of our lives to continue our conversation."

"Does that mean what I think it means?", Nokuthula gushed, "OMG! I am so happy for you three. You, see, Thandi? I told you that you would not be a young, single mom. You and Siya belong together..."

"Whoa! What does Nokuthula mean by 'you three' and by you being a single mom? Are you...", Siya asked in total astonishment.

"Oh no! Me and my big mouth!", Nokuthula guiltily sighed, "I thought that was what the two of you were talking about all this time. Thandi, I am so sorry for jumping the gun."

"It is alright, Nokuthula. Before you and Shaka came in, I was just about to tell Siya the wonderful news. My love, today has indeed been overflowing with miracles. Not only are we back together again, but I just found out that you and I are expecting our first child."

"I am going to be a father?", Siya gushed.

"Yes, my love. You are going to be a father. According to the doctor, I am 8 weeks pregnant."

"Thanks be to Jesus!", Siya exclaimed in overwhelming gratitude, as he caressed my baby bump.

"All this time, I thought that I was just picking up a bit of weight, but it turns out that our little angel was growing inside of me. Only when I kept on throwing up during my performance today, did I realise that something unusual was going on with my body, which was when Nokuthula rushed me off to the hospital. Turns out, my frequent regurgitation was a result of morning sickness. I am so thankful to God for blessing us with this little bundle of joy. This baby is so blessed to have you as a father..."

"You have got to be kidding me!", Shaka interjected, "just when you see that Siya and I are starting to bond again, you conveniently fall pregnant? I do not buy it. If you think that I am going to sit back and watch as you use this so-called pregnancy of yours to trap Siya into marrying you, then you have another thing coming."

"Enough!", Siya exclaimed, "how dare you talk to the mother of my child like that? From here onward, you are going to address Thandi with the respect that she deserves, do you hear me? Not only is she carrying my child, but she is the love of my life. I have had it with you! First, you ambushed me with a kiss at my own engagement party. Then, you waltzed into this apartment, pretending to be my friend, meanwhile you knew very well that you had no intention of us being friends. You just wanted to worm your way back into my heart. After repeatedly telling you that my heart already belonged to Thandi, you still continued with your calculating and devious attempts to keep Thandi and I apart. Do not get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful for the great help that you have been over the past couple of weeks. However, I think that you have overstayed your welcome. I need for you to pack up all your belongings and get the hell out of my face. In fact, I do not even want to see you for a second longer, so I suggest you just leave. I will request a moving company to transport all your belongings back into your hotel suite. Goodbye, Shaka."

"What have I ever done to you for you to treat me this way?", Shaka angrily sobbed, "surely my sins are no worse than Thandi's. After all, we have both walked out on you in the past. However, you still choose to punish me for a mistake that I made 6 years ago, whereas you are so quick to exonerate Thandi for all the pain that she has caused you. Yes, I lied about wanting to reunite as only friends. I lied about Thomas stopping by yesterday for some raffle money. It was in fact your precious Thandi who stopped by, because she wanted to get back together with you. I lied about us being back together again. I lied. If you expect me to apologise for doing everything in my power to make you realise that you belong with me, then you are in for a long wait. I refuse to apologise for loving you. I refuse to apologise for missing the wonderful life that we shared. I refuse to apologise for fighting for you. How could you look at me, and not see all the things that I happily did for you? Where was your baby mama when you were on the brink of dying from morbid alcoholism, resulting from the very heartbreak that she caused? Where was she? Who was the one that nursed you back to health? Who was the one that made sure that you always had a healthy meal at least 3 times a day, while simultaneously ensuring that this apartment was always squeaky clean? Whose shoulder did you cry on when you got fired from the company? I was there for you when your perfect Thandi over here could not even be bothered to answer a simple phone call from you. You even cried on my shoulder, talking about how much you missed Thandi and the life that you two shared. Do you realise how painful that was for me to bear? I sat there on that couch, day in, day out, listening to the love of my life profess his love for someone else. Now that Thandi has miraculously resurfaced with a convenient baby bump, you choose to throw me out in the cold? Fine, I will leave, for now. But know this, you and I are far from over. Someday, you will be mine again."

A month after the showdown at Siya's apartment, finally came the day that we had eagerly awaited since Maxwell and Jonathan's engagement. On that day, we all gathered at mom's charming country house, where the view was absolutely breath-taking, and the wedding was legal.

"Aah, Maxwell, you are wearing a white suit.", I gushed, as mom, Siya, Nokuthula and myself all entered Maxwell's dressing room.

"Like a virgin.", he humorously replied.

"Touched for the very first time.", I gushingly responded.

"Nokuthula, instead of bringing a date, you chose to bring your dog. Seriously?", Maxwell teasingly said.

"What? It is a gay wedding. I figured what is one more little bitch with an attitude.", Nokuthula humorously replied.

"That suit looks absolutely ravishing on you, my son.", mom said, "Your glow illuminates the room. I cannot wait to see the look on Jonathan's face when he sees you at the altar. From what I have seen over the years, that man loves you so incredibly much. His love for you is written all over his face. Do not think for even a split second that I have not observed how your face just lights up every time Jonathan walks into a room. The love that you two share is so beautiful and pure that it truly illuminates the world. In a few minutes, you are going to marry the love of your life. I wish the two of you nothing but eternal happiness."

"Thank you so much, mama.", Maxwell sobbed, "not only for your beautiful words and well wishes, but for being like a second mother to me. Thank you for welcoming me into your family, and for treating me like your son. Jonathan and I appreciate the love and support that you have given us over the years. You always give the best advice."

"Loving and supporting you has been an absolute pleasure. You are the son that I never had. I will never forget how you took care of my girls when they first moved to the big city 4 years ago. I was so worried that they would be out here all alone. But they constantly reassured me that they were not alone. Thank you for being such a wonderful friend and brother to my girls."

"Enough with the waterworks.", Nokuthula teasingly interjected, "before the two of you go into the ugly cries, I suggest that we all vacate the room so that Maxwell can pull himself together. After all you are getting married in 20 minutes, you know.

Just as we were all preparing to leave Maxwell's dressing room, our handsome groom received a surprise visit from someone he never thought that he would ever see again.

"I was told that I would find you here.", Maxwell's mom said, "you look very handsome, my boy."

"Mom, what are you doing here?", Maxwell asked in total astonishment.

"What kind of a mother would I be if I did not attend my only child's wedding?"

"But what about dad? Is he outside?"

"Your father and I are getting a divorce. I begged him to attend the wedding, but he blatantly refused. In fact, he forbade me from coming here today. He even gave me an ultimatum – it was either him or you. I finally did what I should have done a long time ago. I chose you, my boy. My sweet, precious son, I am so sorry for failing you as a mother. I failed to protect you when your father threw you inside a trashcan at the tender age of 5, upon realising that you were different. I failed to protect you each time he would frequently hurl homophobic slurs in your direction, as a teenager. More recently, I failed to protect you when he disowned you on the day that you announced your engagement to Jonathan. Like the submissive fool that I was, I just stood there and did nothing. I did absolutely nothing. Not being allowed to contact you or to even utter your name in the house, tortured me every second of every day. Not knowing whether you had food to eat or a roof over your head, drove me completely insane. I could not bear to be separated from you any longer. So, when your father gave me that ultimatum, the choice that needed to be made became abundantly obvious. I am just so sorry that it took me two decades to finally put my foot down and stand up for you, my boy."

"I have forgiven the past, mom. I would rather not lament on that which cannot be reversed or erased. I am about to embark on a new journey now, alongside the love of my life. Despite everything, I am just so glad that you are here to witness my present, and the future that I am building with my husband-to-be. That is all that matters to me."

"Thank you so much for forgiving me, my boy. However, to be completely honest, I still do not understand why you would choose to be gay. I do not understand you. In fact, I do not understand how this wedding is even legal. Please do not get me wrong, I am not attacking you at your own wedding. It is just that I fear for you. We live in a world where people get killed just for being gay. I fear for your life, my boy."

"I understand that you fear for my life, mom, and I appreciate your concern. I really do. But I cannot live a fake life crippled by fear. If that is the case, then I might as well be dead, because to live does not mean that one is alive. I need for you to understand that I had no choice in being who I am. I am simply responding the best way I know how, to that which I had no choice in being. I choose love and happiness, mom. Let me ask you something – do you believe that I am intelligent?"

"Yes, of course I believe that you are intelligent. Where are you going with this?"

"If you believe that I am intelligent, why would I then make foolish decisions?"

"I am not sure that I follow..."

"Since you are under the impression that I chose to be gay, why then, with all my intelligence, would I make such a foolish decision? Why would I choose to be gay in a world and at a time where gay people are vilified and murdered? Why would I choose to be gay knowing that my family would disown me, like my father recently did? Why would any intelligent person, choose to make a decision that he or she knows very well is going to make their life ten times harder?"

"Well...I never thought about it like that before. But still, how are you ever going to be happy spending the rest of your life married to another man? My boy, I just want you to be happy. That is all that I have ever wanted for you..."

"Mrs Sibeko, hi, my name is Florence.", mom interjected, "You know, I always tell my girls that as a mother, I always know when my babies are happy, sad, or when they are lying. I believe that this is true for every mother who pays attention to her maternal instincts. I would like for you to please look back on the past 6 years that he and Jonathan have been together. Do you recall a time when he was ever miserable?"

"No...Not at all."

"Now, please look your son directly in the eye, because the eye is the portal to one's soul. Does he seem miserable to you?"

"No..."

"Then what on earth ever gave you the impression that your son is not happy? While you were busy worrying about whether or not he is ever going to find happiness, you failed to realise that your son has been happy all along.

"You are absolutely right, Florence. I thought that he would be happy only when he found himself a nice young girl, who would birth him lots of children. All this time, I have been blinded by my own narrow definition of what happiness should be. As a result, I could not even see that my boy has been happy all this time. Thank you so much, Florence. For the very first time, I am now seeing things for what they truly are."

The arrival of Maxwell's mother brightened Maxwell's already illuminating glow. The groom was extremely excited to be marrying his soulmate. The decorations looked spectacular, and the guests all looked exceptionally beautiful. As we all made our way to our seats, we spotted someone that we were all shocked to see at the wedding.

"What the hell is Shaka doing here?!", Nokuthula furiously asked, "I was personally responsible for drawing up the guest list, and I can assure you that Shaka's name was not on that list."

"I have no idea, Nokuthula, but I intend on finding out.", Siya swiftly responded, "He has some nerve showing his face here. My love, you may grab a seat so long, while I kindly escort our uninvited guest out of here."

"Baby, please do not make a scene. Today is about Maxwell and Jonathan, not about your crazy ex. If he wants to be here, let him be. His presence here does not in the least bit bother me. I promise."

"My love, are you sure? I just do not want him upsetting you or the baby."

"Yes, I am sure, babe. If Shaka wanted to upset me, then he would have approached at least one of us by now. Perhaps, he just wants to celebrate Maxwell and Jonathan's love, just like everybody else here. Now, come on, my love. Let us grab a seat. The wedding is about to begin, and I refuse to let Shaka or anyone else ruin this magical day."

"Well then, your wish is my command."

"OMG, guys. Check out the perfectly coordinated violinists and boys' choir, serenading the grooms.", Nokuthula pointed out in awe, "could this wedding get any gayer?"

"OMG, Nokuthula.", I interjected, "look who is marrying them."

"Why would Somizi agree to officiate a wedding?", Nokuthula asked in total astonishment.

"Is it not obvious? It is the basic law of physics", Siya humorously interjected, "whenever there is this much gay energy in a room, Somizi manifests."

Shortly afterward, the time had come for the handsome grooms to exchange their wedding vows. Moments after the tear-jerking ceremony, I surprised the unsuspecting grooms by performing Etta James' 'At Last', as Maxwell and Jonathan enjoyed their first dance as a married couple. After serenading the lovely couple, I was swiftly joined on stage by all the unmarried guests to perform the traditional 'Single Ladies' dance.

"OMG! That was so much fun!", Nokuthula exclaimed.

"More like exhausting. Thank God Siya put a ring on it.", I humorously replied, "In just a few weeks' time, I will no longer have to dance to that song at every single wedding."

"By the looks of things, I will still be dancing along to that song for years to come. Tell me, how is it possible for one person to be so unlucky in love?"

"Be patient, sis. Your prince charming is on his way. God is still working on the masterpiece that He has in store for you. Who knows? You might just meet your knight in shining armour at my wedding."

"From your lips to God's ears.", Nokuthula responded, "sometimes, I just wish that I could tell God to hurry up already. I need a strong and handsome, chocolate-skinned soldier to end my celibacy as in yesterday."

"Unfortunately, I cannot say that I relate to your dry spell.", I teasingly replied.

"Laugh all you want. Someone seems to be forgetting that Siya is going away on business in just a few minutes. Very soon, you will be joining me in my dry spell."

"Did you really have to remind me, Nokuthula? How I am going to live through these next few days without his magical foot massages, is totally beyond me. But I am so incredibly proud of him for fighting for his birth right. At the rate that he is going, I have a feeling that the Board is going to reinstate him as CEO by the end of the month. Just watch this space."

Totally oblivious to the fact that Siya's business trip was secretly orchestrated by Shaka, the events that ensued shortly after Siya's early departure from the wedding, fell perfectly into Shaka's carefully orchestrated plan. Shaka's unexpected appearance at the wedding was not without a reason. With Siya out of the way, Shaka knew that I would be driving back home all alone after the wedding. In a desperate attempt to get Siya back, Shaka was convinced that the only way to do so was to permanently remove me and my unborn baby from the picture. While we were all enjoying ourselves at the wedding reception, Shaka was busy tampering with my car's brakes among other key vehicle functionalities. Shaka intended for me to lose control of the vehicle, so that my death looks like a freak accident caused by my own road safety negligence. Completely unaware of his sinister intentions, Shaka's diabolical plan was carefully set in motion.

"Do not look now, but Siya's crazy ex is approaching.", Nokuthula pointed out, "I swear if that man so much as looks at you the wrong way, he will see a side to me that he will wish he had never seen."

"Thandi, hi.", Shaka greeted, as he intercepted us on our way to the ladies' room.

"Shaka, please. I am not in the mood to argue with you. This is not the time, nor the place, so please..."

"Relax", he swiftly interjected, "I come in peace. In these past few weeks, I have done a lot of thinking and soul searching. I now realise that trying to come between you and Siya was a mistake. It was a mistake that I now wholeheartedly regret. I can see that the two of you are in love. With your little bundle of joy on the way, your bond will only grow stronger. Siya chose you. You win. Could you possibly find it in your heart to forgive me? I am not that bad of a person, you know. Once you get to know me better, you will get a chance to see that for yourself. Perhaps, someday, we could even be friends. What do you say to that?"

"She says hell to the no.", Nokuthula interjected, "Thandi has enough friends, thank you very much."

"Nokuthula, it is fine.", I said, "listen, Shaka. Siya is a wonderful man. Believe it or not, I understand why you did what you did. However, I am glad that you finally understand that nothing and no one is ever going to tear Siya and I apart. For now, the verdict is out on whether you and I could ever be friends. However, for the sake of peace, I do accept your apology. I do not want any drama in my life. I do not wish to beef with anybody but the devil."

"Thandi, please tell me that you are not at all being serious right now. Trusting Shaka is like trusting the devil himself."

"Nokuthula, you were the one who taught me the importance of forgiveness. You even wrote a book on its invaluable significance. In life, we all make mistakes. Shaka is also human, therefore human nature cannot be alien to us."

"I guess you are right. Even Shaka deserves a second chance."

"You ladies are far too kind.", Shaka said, "I am incredibly humbled by your forgiving hearts. Let me not hold you ladies up any longer. Please do enjoy the rest of your day. I trust that it will be explosive."

"Thank you, Shaka", I responded, "we sincerely hope that you too will enjoy the rest of your day."

A few hours later, the wedding of the century had finally come to an end. Maxwell and Jonathan were officially a married couple. The only thing that remained was for the newlyweds to jet set off to their glamorous honeymoon on the Caribbean Islands.

"Today was absolutely breath-taking.", Nokuthula gushed, "I will never forget this jaw-dropping day for as long as I live. I cannot believe that this is the very first time that I have been afforded the opportunity to attend a gay wedding. Prior to this day, I thought that I was pretty well versed in the meaning of fun, but leave it to the gays to prove you wrong."

"You are right, sis. Today was absolutely lit! But why can we not just refer to it as an ordinary wedding -must we really refer to it as a gay wedding?"

"Well, let us see – the grooms were serenaded down the aisle by perfectly coordinated violinists accompanied by a flawless boys' choir; the glamorously snowy coloured decorations reminded me of what it looks like when you stare directly into the sun; oh, and let us not forget the fact that Somizi popped out of nowhere to officiate the whole ceremony."

"You make a valid point. Okay, you win. It is a gay wedding.", I wittily replied.

"Quit joking around, you two.", mom interjected, "now that the wedding is over, we need to start cleaning up around here."

"Relax, mom. Maxwell and Jonathan arranged for a cleaning company to do all the work for us. For being such a gracious hostess, they asked that I give you this all-expenses paid spa voucher, as a token of their sincere gratitude and appreciation."

"This is so sweet of them. I will call to thank them as soon as their plane lands. It has been months since the last time I got pampered at a spa resort. Tell me, is this not that new 24-hour spa resort that just opened a few weeks ago?"

"The one and only.", I replied.

"I have seen so many rave reviews about it. I cannot wait to check it out. Let me just grab my purse, then I am good to go."

"You mean that you want to go right this very moment?"

"Yes. Why not? This house is a mess. At this point, it would be easier to just relocate.", mom wittily responded, "by the time I get back, I hope that the cleaning company will have worked its magic."

"Had I known that you would want to go this very evening, Nokuthula and I would have made a plan to get a hold of additional vouchers so that we can join you. It would have been such a relaxing mother-daughter spa date. Just the three of us."

"Baby girl, on every single spa date that I have ever been on, the two of you were right there next to me. Do not get me wrong, mama loves spending time with you girls, but this evening, I just want to spend time with myself, all by myself. I want to enjoy some-quality 'me-time' in peace and quiet."

"We understand, mom. Spending quality time with oneself is highly therapeutic. Who knows? You might just bump into your future husband at the resort? Nokuthula and I have been nagging you for a step-father for a while now."

"You girls are going to nag until your baby hairs turn grey, because your mama has no intention of ever getting married again. Been there; done that. No husband; no cry."

"But in all seriousness, Nokuthula and I worry about you being all alone. That is partly why we always make a point of spending as much time with you as possible."

"Babies, being alone does not mean that I am lonely. I do not need a husband to get my groove on. All I need is a handsome and respectful, willing participant, whom I can easily dismiss whenever he gets on my nerves."

"WOW! we were never ready for that.", Nokuthula said, while donning a look of sheer astonishment on her face, "I am not sure of what I am most amazed by – the fact that my mother's sex life is far more interesting than mine, or the fact that my mother has a sex life, period."

"If you girls think that your sex life is pretty mind-blowing now, wait until you hit 40. Life truly does begin at 40, you know.", mom wittily said, "oh, and by the way, Nokuthula, could you please lend me your car for the evening? I just remembered that I am very low on petrol. It is so low that I doubt it will even get me to the nearest petrol station."

"I wish that I could, mom, but my car is still getting serviced.", Nokuthula responded, "I am only getting it back tomorrow morning."

"Oh dear. I was under the impression that you were going to go fetch it this morning before the wedding."

"That was the plan, mom. But, I had to help out the wedding caterers because they were a bit short-staffed. By the time everything was coordinated, I figured that I would probably not make it back in time for the wedding, so I decided to fetch it tomorrow instead."

"You may take my car.", I said.

"But Thandi, you were just about to drive back to your apartment. I would really hate to inconvenience you, my angel."

"Mom, I insist. Please take my car. I really do not mind. With Siya being out of the country for the next few days, I so do not feel like going back to that empty apartment. So, if it alright with you, I would really like to move back home, just until Siya returns."

"Of course, it is alright with me, my angel. It will give me a chance to bond with my unborn grandchild. While I am at it, I am going to share with you all the child bearing and nurturing tips that my mother shared with me 23 years ago, when I was pregnant with you."

"I would love that very much, mom. Here are the car keys, and some petrol money for your car."

"Thank you so much, my baby. Alright then, let me get going before it gets dark. You know how much I hate driving in the dark."

"I hope that you have a wonderful evening, mom.", Nokuthula said.

"For being such a great hostess, an exemplary human being, and a fabulous mother of note, you definitely deserve to be pampered. So, go on, and enjoy yourself, mom. Please drive safely. We love you so much."

"I love you girls with all my heart. Please monitor the cleaners to ensure that they do not break or steal anything. Before you go to bed, please make sure that all the doors are locked, alright? I will see you girls in the morning."

About an hour after mom's departure, Nokuthula and I laid back ever so decadently on the sofa, while enjoying a thrilling episode of The Wendy Williams Show. Our sister bonding time was the perfect close to an unforgettable day.

"Have you heard anything from Siya yet? I wonder if he has already landed by now."

"Not yet. But he promised that he would call as soon as the plane lands."

"Speaking of phones, I should probably charge mine. The battery is dead."

"Oh no, I totally forgot that I put my phone on silent during the wedding reception. I have so many missed calls."

"From Siya?"

"Yes, but not as many as I received from some number that I do not even recognise. In the last few minutes alone, this person has called me 23 times."

"Jeez! Someone is desperately trying to get a hold of you. You should probably call them back. It might be urgent."

"You are right. I will just have to call Siya back afterward."

"Hi. I received about 23 missed calls from this number in the last 15 minutes. I do not have this number saved as a contact, so if you do not mind me asking, who am I speaking to?"

"Good day, ma'am. You are speaking to Karen Jacobs from Netcare Sunninghill Hospital. You have been listed as an emergency contact number by a miss Florence Nyati. The other contact number goes straight to voicemail. Ma'am, could you please make your way to the hospital as soon as possible?"

"What is my mother doing at the hospital? Is she okay?"

"Ma'am, I am afraid there has been an accident. Miss Florence Nyati was involved in a serious car accident. She is in the Intensive Care Unit, as we speak."

"News just in – Afropop singer, Thandi Nyati has just been hospitalised for morbid depression, following the car accident that has since crippled her mother in a critical coma for the past 5 months."

"In today's breaking news, pregnant singing sensation, Thandi Nyati checks into an asylum for morbid depression."

"Calling in from Johannesburg, we have on the line the sister of Afropop superstar, Thandi Nyati, who is currently recuperating at an asylum following a reported mental and emotional breakdown. Nokuthula, hi. Thank you so much for agreeing to take this call today. It has now been 3 weeks since Thandi checked herself into an asylum. The whole of Africa is beside themselves with worry following Thandi's reported hospitalisation. Could you perhaps give us an update regarding her present state and what her hospitalisation means for the health of the baby?"

"Hi. I agreed to take this call in the hope that the press will finally stop hounding my family for a scoop during this difficult time. I just paid my sister and her unborn child a visit this morning, and I am happy to report that they are both doing well. My sister's mental and emotional state may not be where it needs to be, but thank God it is not where it used to be. Her psychiatrist is very hopeful that she will make a speedy recovery. In addition to that, I have been assured that the baby is developing just fine. These past few months have been quite traumatic for my family. With our mother still being in a coma and Thandi in the psychiatric ward, I would appreciate it if the media would afford us the space to heal as a family. Having said that, I do realise that many of you are praying for our family. Thank you so much for your prayers and well wishes. I will not be taking any further calls from here onward. Good bye."

"Good morning, morphine princess. How are we feeling today?"

"It has been six months, you know."

"Six months?"

"Today marks the sixth month since the accident."

"Your heart rate is 120; blood pressure is 90 over 40. It is still a little too low for my liking, but nevertheless, it marks a significant improvement."

"You do know that it was all my fault, right?"

"What was your fault?"

"The accident. I should never have insisted that mom take my car. Why did I insist? The police confirmed it, you know. My car had faulty brakes. That is why mom lost control of the vehicle."

"For how long are you going to punish yourself for an accident you had no way of preventing? All this stress is not good for you or the baby."

"Doctor Evans, do you not get it? I deserve to be punished. I should have noticed that my car's brakes were faulty. Had I noticed, my mother would not be crippled in a coma right now. Although they will never say it to my face, all the doctors have completely lost hope, you know. I could see it on their faces. Deep down, they do not believe that my mother is ever going to come out of her coma. Soon, they are going to ask Nokuthula and I to take her off life support. I can feel it."

"Thandi, can you at least recognise that how long you choose to punish yourself for your mother's accident is in no way a reflection of how deeply you love her? In your previous sessions, I got a good sense of the incredible bond that you and your mother share. If your mother could talk to you right now, do you think that she would say, 'Thandi, I want you to hurt every second of every day for the rest of your life, just to prove that you love me'?"

"No. She would be very upset with me over this."

"So, it would not be an act of betrayal? Well then perhaps the actual betrayal is you lamenting over the day of her accident, rather than celebrating her life and all that she means to you. She has lived a fantastic life for over 45 years, and has been an incredible mother to you for 23 years, yet you choose to focus on the day of her car accident. Why do you choose to reduce the meaning of her life to one tragic day?

"I never thought of it that way before..."

"I have an assignment here that I would like for you to complete. Please take this pen and notebook. I would like for you to write a note-to-self-book. In this book, I want you to write in hindsight so that you can connect all the dots in your life. I want you to write about all the life lessons that you are grateful to have received over the years. I want you to write about all the souls that have left an imprint on your life. I want you to write about your mother. You see, whether she lives or dies, your mother will always be a soul. Unlike personalities, that take the form of a human body for a limited period of time, souls never die."

"But Doctor Evans, I have never written a book in my entire life. Where will I even begin?"

"Usually, the best place to begin is the very beginning of that which you can recall. However, only you can decide where to begin. After all, you are the author of this book. This is your story. As the author of this book, I want you to write honestly and unapologetically about everyone and everything that matters to you. Once you are done, you may choose to burn the book or keep it locked away somewhere. If you choose to publish it for the world to see, I want you to remember one thing – as is true in life, never apologise for writing your story, or for any edits that you make along the way."

When Dr Evans handed me the pen and notebook, I was not too clear on the content or the structure of the book. The one and only thing that I was clear on was the intention. What I know for sure is that our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that truly matter. Therefore, my intention was to use my voice to illuminate the many stories that often go untold. I have a tremendous amount of empathy for women, especially women of colour. I have the same empathy for the LGBTQ+ community. These marginalised groups of people often find themselves at the very bottom of the food chain. Their stories are often erased from literature, and are barely visible in the media. I have a tremendous amount of empathy for the multitude of pressures that they find themselves under, as well as the many cultures that have been formed against them.

"I recall a conversation that I once had with my mother. The words she spoke rotated in bewilderment as my 9-year-old mind attempted to conceptualise the truth behind these words...", I wrote, as I began writing the first chapter of my book.

In the words that flow through this book, I bare my soul, ever so honestly and unapologetically, so that whoever reads this book is left inspired, enlightened, and ultimately empowered. In writing this book, I have come to the sudden realisation that life is like a coin. You can spend it on whatever you wish. But, you can only spend it once. Life also resembles an incomplete book. As the author of this book, it is up to me to fill in all the missing chapters.

***to be continued***

