

A Moment of Clarity  
Cliff Lengkono  
Copyright © 2012 by Cliff Lengkono.  
Smashwords Edition

Cover art by Aubrey Watt  
Cover photo © Jinyoung Lee | Dreamstime.com

**Smashwords License Statement**  
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each reader. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

For my grandmother,  
Without whom this book could never happen and without whom it is missing something.  
She is always and deeply missed.

Ignorance is bliss

##  Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Preface

PART ONE: SELF

Chapter 1 – Pilot

PART TWO: DATING

Chapter 2 – John Doe & Jane Doe

Chapter 3 – Reservation for Two

Chapter 4 – Fight or Flight

PART THREE: RELATIONSHIP

Chapter 5 – A Two-Way Street

Chapter 6 – Silence is Golden

Chapter 7 – Murphy's Law

Chapter 8 – L

Chapter 9 – The Next Level

PART FOUR: MARRIAGE

Chapter 10 – Welcome

Chapter 11 – Life as We Know It

Chapter 12 – Sickness, Poorer, Worse

PART FIVE: PARENTHOOD

Chapter 13 – For the Love of Your Child

Chapter 14 – New Beginning

Chapter 15 – The Village

Chapter 16 – There Is More than One of Everything
PART SIX: FAREWELL

Chapter 17 – Again

Chapter 18 – A Pain in the Heart

Chapter 19 – The Hard Way

Chapter 20 – State of the Union

Chapter 21 – And Then There Were None

Chapter 22 – Everybody Dies
Preface

The hardest part about writing a book intended for everyone is seeking, determining, maintaining approaches, views, and solutions so general and basic that they can apply to as many people as possible. There were lots of considerations involved and adjustments made to achieve this particularly fundamental purpose. To my best and current judgment, the contents, tone, direction, and spirit of this book have all been able to demonstrate the point that I was trying to make, which is that there can be universally accepted ways for people to navigate their lives. After all, we share this one planet, we experience scores of similar events, and we essentially bear the same physical and mental characteristics. Each and every one of us is a human being.

This book is about life. It discusses parts of life that I observed many people go through. It talks about the things that have mostly forgotten, ignored, or abandoned. It introduces new and basic ideas on common topics and issues in life. It addresses numerous problems commonly encountered in the lives of the majority of people. It explores various subjects with simplicity, universality, practicality, and generality. The reason I chose not to write about a particular topic is because it is my hope that this book can be relevant to a very wide range of audience. Whether someone is a man or a woman, single or married, children or adults, young or old, gay or straight, with or without children, I want him or her to be able to find at least one chapter in this book that explores the part of life that they are currently dealing with. And to take it one step further, I strived to make this book transcend the differences of generation, age, background, culture, belief, and gender.

In the interest of full disclosure, I must make one important fact known, which is that I have never been on a date, in a real and serious relationship, married, or had children. I also do not have knowledge about, expertise in, or experience on, in

Self-help implies that you are the only one who can help yourself. Books and authors can merely offer insights, give advice, share knowledge, teach lesson, and explain matters. They all can be actually beneficial if you put the theories into practice. The most important element of self-help books is always you, the reader.

# PART ONE: SELF
## CHAPTER 1   
Pilot

### The Common Things

What every human is born with and born into is precisely the same throughout the history of humanity. People, body, mind, world, nature, time, needs, purpose and free will are the things that each and every one of us received when we came into this world. Someone gets a father and a mother as their birth parents that will protect, teach, and raise them. There may already be a sibling or several that share many similar characteristics with them. They also have uncles, aunts, and grandparents from both parents' side that will act as second parents to them. In some cases, it may not be parents but instead guardian or caregiver that a child will grow up with. Over time, they will have encounters with many other people outside their own family and begin interacting with them. They form relationships, develop bonds, and become familiar with those people's presence in their life. Others they just know briefly or observe from afar and by watching these people's lives they start constructing their own views of life and of the world. Moreover, as they grow older, they come to a realization that they need at least someone else to give them happiness, to share their burdens and sorrows, to fight for or with, to learn life from, to love and to love them back, and to change their life.

Humans are also gifted with eyes to see, ears to hear, a nose to smell, a tongue to taste, skin to feel, hands to hold, arms to hug, legs to walk, a mouth to speak, lips to kiss, teeth to bite and chew, and sexual organ to procreate. Other components of the body such as blood, heart, lungs, kidney, and liver keep our body usable until they give up. Everyone also has minds to form thoughts, to remember, to think, to store memories, to imagine, to solve problems, and to process information collected by other elements of the body. The mind also has the capability of feeling various types of emotions such as fear, anger, doubt, hope, grief, shame, regret, love, hatred, despair, sympathy, empathy, guilt, disgust, worry, envy, disappointment, pride, curiosity, happiness, misery, and so forth. Mortals also have time to live, time to die, time to sleep, time to awake, past time to learn from, present time to live, and future time to prepare for.

All humans have basic needs that include food, shelter, clean water, clothes, health care, safety, warmth, companionship, and sleep. And for all of those things a vast, immense, rich world has been given to humans so a whole lot of them can live in it, see it, feel its magic and power, protect it, and take care of it. Meanwhile, nature provides human beings with water to quench their thirst and to wash their body, air to breathe in, fire to cook and to keep cold and predators at bay, wind to move the sails and to cool the weather a bit, and rain to water the crops. There is a sun to dry clothes and to grow plants, a moon to shine some light in the darkness of nights, day to do some work in order to survive, night to rest, and plants and animals to satisfy a hunger, to act as a means of transportation, and to take life lessons from.

Every person that ever lived, now lives, or will live has a purpose in this world and his or her existence alone has changed history. They are a product of countless and different choices and since their conception, they have been continuously altering the lives of other people, mainly their own parents. Then they will move on to changing the life of every person that they will have contact with and even the ones they will not because with their actions, they will set many things in motion. Simultaneously, the choices of others will also have impacts on their own life. Lastly but certainly not the least, a person also has free will to choose and decide what they wish to do with his or her life in this world. Some things are the same and remain the same because we are all the same.

### The Unfairness of Life

It is likely that the oldest adage of all is the one that says that life is not fair. While people get many similar things in life, the disparities are even more apparent and pivotal in determining the sort of life that someone will lead and have. Predicaments, belongings, opportunities, and advantages are the things that distinguish one life from the other. A child might be combating hunger nearly every single day while half a world away another kid is crying over his or her broken plaything. Someone can own multiple houses but others' homes can barely make it through the next rainstorm. There are people who have opportunities served on a platter and there are the ones who need to keep searching for one. Being born in a wealthy family also gives someone access to many benefits like reputable academic institutions while some people have to try much longer and harder if they want to succeed. Some people understand, accept, and are used to the fact that they cannot and will not ever have all or at least most of the things they want. And there are some who are still learning and refusing the reality that no one gets everything they desire.

People learn reality through different ways. Some might realize that terrible things do befall good people and good things happen to bad people. Others could be asking why there is so much pain and suffering in the world or wondering why not everyone can be equally happy or miserable. A few might be attempting to comprehend the reason why certain individuals have tons of money and such a cushy life without having to work hard. There are those who refuse to accept the fact that good people have to die so soon while there are clearly so many bad people who will continue inflicting pain and causing damage that deserve death more. It may be their finding that everyone is much nicer to beautiful people and everything is easier to get for gifted individuals. They may suddenly realize the harsh reality that some people are already luckier, happier, and wealthier than others have ever been or ever will be in their lifetime. Knowing that the world is not fair can easily cause people to feel indignant and sorry for themselves, it can diminish their will to live and to fight for happiness, or make them realize that the best way to win is to stop playing fair.

Everyone cannot be evenly and simultaneously happy because the rule and reality of life is that it is every man for himself. In order to get what you want, most of the time you have no choice except to sacrifice or defeat others. The world would and could be a much better place if everybody was willing to care, give, share, and help but unfortunately, humans are predisposed to take, contend, and ignore. And therein lies the underlying issue. Desire and survival are instincts, whereas aiding is a choice.

### Black, White, and Grey

Everyone wants to be good. Everyone started good. However, when push comes to shove, the only choice is to be bad. It always started small. Ordinarily, people would go with lying. They all hesitated at first because they were afraid of the consequences of what they were going to do. Therefore, they tried to convince themselves that that was the only way, that it was just going to be that one time, and that no one would get hurt. Seeing that it is harmless, it would not take a long time and consideration before they finally did it. But then they had to deal with the aftermath. They felt guilty, ashamed, and scared. They tried to shake it off by telling themselves over and over that they had to do what they did. When that did not work, they tried to rationalize it by saying that the ends justify the means. Eventually, they were able to get past it because they continued to remain in the clear and nothing seemed to be going wrong.

Unfortunately, another situation later arose that forced them to do the same thing again as doing the right thing would get them in a jam. They, however, knew that lying could make all their problems go away. Assuming nothing bad happened in the first attempt, it would be much easier for them the second time. They said to themselves that another lie would not really matter and so they did it again. They felt the same way as before but now they knew that ultimately it would disappear. Lying began to look like a highly useful skill to possess. It did not end there, though. For students, the impulse to cheat can get as difficult to resist as the exams become. They need to pass the test or get a great score so badly but they just cannot understand or master the topic. Employees embezzle money because they can only scrape by on their regular wage. Contenders realize that they need to get their hands dirty if they want to get ahead. Difficulties compel people to take desperate measures in order to get out of them. Everyone who was ever in difficult positions and circumstances realized that life is easier when you do bad things. It goes without saying that that is an extremely dangerous philosophy to have.

Some people go through life with stronger willpower. They will not betray their principle just to make things less complicated or problems go away. They strive to follow their moral code and do the right thing every time for the reason that they want to be an honorable person and they want their conscience to be clear. Sadly, life remains cruel to everyone including the honest ones. The challenges of life will test and tempt them continuously and they will find that they cannot avoid changes forever. Being in desperate times for far too long can change even the strongest of people to consider turning to questionable measures. They will eventually come to a realization that they need to adapt if they are to survive. They are tired of playing by the rules because the rules have failed them and brought them nowhere and nothing but misery. They have seen hundreds of people commit many heinous acts and get away with it. They want to be good and stay good, but everybody wants to survive and nobody can always get what they want in life. That is how righteous people turn evil and the number of honest people in this world grows ever smaller.

Everyone knows that actions have repercussions, especially those who just perpetrated something wicked. They are aware of the punishments that they would get if their transgressions were uncovered. So, they have to make sure that no one can ever unearth their misdeeds and that is why cover-ups are part of any wrongdoing. Moreover, since concealing the truth implies and requires doing more bad things, the laundry list of the despicable acts that they have done just keeps getting longer. They have to lie some more, steal again to pay off someone, threaten and or harm someone who wants to blow the whistle on them, or frame someone to take the fall for their actions. They will stop at nothing and there is no limit to what they will resort to in order to extend and ensure their survival. When it comes to self-interest and self-preservation, all bets are off.

Nevertheless, these deplorable acts only serve to cause more trouble for them as they now have to hide more skeletons in their closet. Their problems keep snowballing and they cannot do anything except run. At this point, it has become all but impossible for them to live in peace. They attempt to find ways to get out of the mess, they have this constant fear of getting caught, and they have to evade their conscience and possibly the law. Many people in this position wish that they had not done what they did or at least forborne from performing more deeds that are vicious. The people who did not calculate the risk blame themselves for being so stupid and careless. The ones who did, on the other hand, did not predict that it could be as dire as it is now.

Every choice has consequences. You may not see the lives you have shattered, the future you have destroyed, the pain you have inflicted, the devastation you have caused, but evil deeds _always_ and _ultimately_ bring harm. As a rule, the wrong thing is something that benefits one or several parties but ruins many others. There may be a time in the future when you regret the things you have done, wish to undo everything, and seek forgiveness. You may have realized the error of your ways, seen the suffering you brought about, and understood that you are at fault for all of it. You look and hope for redemption by admitting your mistakes, apologizing, and making amends.

That is not enough, though. It should not be because you cannot take away all the sadness they have endured, you cannot give back everything or everyone they have lost, you cannot repair all the damage, and you cannot give them what they can never ever have. You cannot change what happened. You are doing this not out of the goodness of your heart but because you do not want to suffer. Well, others have because of you. So, why should you not? You do not get to be bad and pardoned. How is it that you hurt them to get what you desire and once you feel guilty you get an absolution and all is forgotten? Why should you always be the one getting what they want? It is not fair or right at all. You want to be bad, you had better have the stomach to live with it. If you do not wish to feel remorseful, then do the right thing, take the good path, and be an honest person.

It is complicated to determine whether someone is a good or a bad person because honest people still do wrong things and vicious people sometimes do good deeds. If someone causes you pain but loves their family, those people will not share your views of their beloved. When someone who has done thousands of good things does something evil, that does not make the act a good one and make the decision to do it right. Nor does it invalidate the good things that they have done or make them a bad person. And it works both ways. So, in reality and in essence, there is no good or bad person. Few are better than most and some are worse than others but _there are only right and wrong actions_.

Every human is capable of anything. Whether it is evil or good, compassion or cruelty, we all have the capacity for it. It is just a question of willingness, circumstances, and choices. None of us do only things that are evil or good. Everyone always has a choice, whether to do the right or the wrong thing. They can do either one, but only one can give them what they desire or require. Oftentimes it is easier to join the dark side for it offers better, quicker, more results. There are people who cannot afford to be idealist because of the plight they are dealing with. That still and certainly does not make the wrong actions right, because their decisions are highly likely to have detrimental ramifications to other people. But wrong thing can be right or less wrong in the eyes of people if they want to believe it or they need to do it.

We are capable of making our own choices because we have free will. We do not have to do things we do not wish to do and we can choose to do things that we like. Nothing and no one can force or stop us but ourselves. That is why nobody ever likes rules, law, and restrictions. People want to be free to do whatever they want to do and if they have to, they will break, bend, or ignore the rules. The punishments may be clear, severe, and scary, but they can only _affect_ , not _make_ , someone's decision. Everybody has the _abilities_ to do good and evil things, _freedom_ to make any, right, difficult, and necessary choices, _mind_ to deliberate the risks and consequences, and _conscience_ to tell which is right and which is wrong.

We _choose_ to do and justify bad things because we only think and care about ourselves. If it serves our agenda and interest, we will do what needs to be done. Rarely do we take moments to consider the people that we will hurt, the things that we can damage, and the lives that will be ruined by our actions. _Admittedly_ , the choice to save and benefit ourselves is not by itself easy. Everyone does have the right and ability to make choices and decisions, especially to do the right thing. But it is not in anybody's power to make the situation easy for doing the right thing all the time. If it were simple, anyone would be a good person. But then where are the struggle and the triumph in that?

We _can_ make the choice and we _do_ have a choice, always. But sometimes, often, too many times we _do not want_ to make the impossible, hard, right choices. Putting others before us is even more difficult. But, if we can and try to think of other people and things beside ourselves instead of forgetting or ignoring them, if we try to put ourselves in the shoes of the people that may suffer the consequences of our actions, we will be less willing to do them harm and we can see the greater good.

The eyes see not only beauties but also ugliness. The ears hear laughter and cries. The tongue detects the tastes of sweetness and bitterness. The nose picks up fresh and rotten smell. Humans feel pain and caresses. These show that our faculties enable us to perceive and discern various information of the external world. To differentiate between right and wrong, we have moral compass for that. Not unlike the senses, it too can have difficulties in identifying something and can sustain damage. The difference lies in the fact that not everyone would feel sad if they had a faulty morality.

### The Price of Happiness

Everybody needs money. Seeing that we are not hunters and gatherers anymore, we use money to purchase goods and pay for services that we require to sustain and prolong our existence as living beings. Nevertheless, no one just gets money for free in this world. They have to earn it, work for it, and make sacrifices for it. They look for jobs that will compensate their time and effort with a sum of money or they give things other people need in exchange for cash. But their requirements become more complex and their expectations grow higher, as are the prices of the things necessary for them to fulfill their needs and desires.

Money has long since become the reason people live. People have associated happiness with money for it is clear to them that without it they cannot obtain the things that can give them joy. They open their eyes in the morning and no more than two seconds later do they worry about their jobs. They let their work take up so much of their time, energy, and attention that they have only little left for themselves, their loved ones, and life. They have forgotten that what they have and are sacrificing is too important compared to what they are fighting for. They still do not realize that as long as they want money they can never be free. They continue wasting their time getting more money because they desire too many and too much. They cannot see that the one thing that they actually need is the one that they cannot buy, which is time. They spend an excessive number of hours obsessing with profit and in doing so, they are reducing their own time to be happy. It gives a whole new meaning to the expression 'buy some time.' It would also be ironic if they had to part with the money to deal with something that they could have prevented in the first place such as sickness or accidents or they were unable to use it because they did not have the chances and time.

Children can also be victims for it is likely that they are beginning to see and believe the importance, allure, and power of money from very early age. They see their parents working tirelessly and endlessly to earn every last buck for them, being stressed and depressed due to pressure from work and their inability to provide enough, arguing with each other over financial matters, or doing dishonest things to get more cash. Surely, children cannot find happiness in that sort of environment. They see less of their parents as well as spend time with them, they worry about their parents' health, safety, and contentment, and they have to live with the guilt for causing their parents to be miserable. It defeats the whole purpose of making and seeing the kids happy that the parents have been fighting for. In the end, no one is truly or remotely happy. Furthermore, children will also grow up thinking that their first and foremost goal is having plenty of money. They want to get a better life, they do not want what happened to them happen to their children, they desire to own and enjoy the things they could not in their childhood, and they want to buy happiness because that is the only way they know how to get it and the only kind available.

People rationalize being miserable for money as a pursuit of happiness. I used to think that it is ironic how the search for happiness could cause so much unhappiness. But I realized that it is that way because it is called a quest and not an enjoyment. Then again, it occurred to me that maybe people have subconsciously let this pursuit get in their way of actually feeling and being happy. No sooner than they got what they want do people set their sights on the next thing. Granted, some spend more time being satisfied and grateful but eventually they will move on to something else. It is beginning to appear more like an escape from happiness. When you keep wanting more, you will be stressed by your inability to get those things or the time and effort it will take. And who is to say that that thing will make you happy and sane enough to not put yourself through the same ordeal all over again? You have to seriously and calmly consider the possibility that this pointless and endless exercise can cause you to slowly lose the ability to feel joy, not to mention the time.

It is true and it is good that to be happy we have to work for it, to make some sacrifices, and to endure tough times. It will make reaching our goals even more joyful, meaningful, and fulfilling. Without money to acquire needs as their incentive to work, people will just sit around and do nothing. It creates and presents challenge to everyone so life does not get boring. But when you keep jumping from satisfactions to sufferings, you ought to take a pause so you can think and see if you _want_ to be happy; because maybe you have been looking at this the wrong way. Perhaps it is not only the external challenges that you need to face. It is possible that the true enemy has been hiding all this time. It could be somewhere or something you never thought of.

The majority of people reckon that happiness is not something that is within reach but one that they move towards until they can get it. Fortunately and quite strangely, that is not always the case. You can elect to be happy for being alive still or having people who adore you and care about you. You can find happiness in knowing that today and at least tomorrow you and your family will not go to sleep with empty bellies. Some things like time to live, time with people whom you love, and good health money just cannot buy because they are priceless and already there for you. Can you, though? Can you ignore and fight your impulses to get something more or better than what you already have now? Can you be content with life as it is? It is a common knowledge that our biggest foe is ourselves. You cannot get rid of your nature for it is inside you. It _is_ you. You can merely overpower it, control it, and tame it. It cannot and will not succeed overnight, though. You have been living that way for quite a long time so you cannot honestly expect to change yourself instantly. Nevertheless, you have to begin sometime and somewhere.

Being happy is possible as long as you do not help make it impossible. There is always a reason not to be happy. Life is odd that way. It seems like your purpose is to seek happiness but for various and scores of reasons you are making it harder instead of easier. It is not always about money. There are things or people that can give you joy but you realize you can never have. The ones that you successfully got turned out to be disappointing once you had them. Shame, regret, guilt make you wish you could change the past and consequently forget your present life, which in turn jeopardize the future. Sometimes not only do you not get what you want but you actually have the ones you hold dear taken from you. You may want acknowledgment, admiration, praises, perfection, power, control or more of them and pursuing or longing for that has become the cause of your distress.

For all this talk, discussion, and debate about happiness, there is but a single fact that anyone should be aware of if they are not already. _We always want what we do not have and we want to have it all_. Our nature to desire is the one and main reason of our unhappiness. The worse thing is that we cannot stop it, switch it off, or alter it. What is in our power to do is elect to find reasons to be happy, decide to fight and ignore our impulses, and choose to learn to accept that we cannot and should not have everything we want. It is not easy to be humans, indeed. Our very nature drives us to seek happiness but it actually makes us more miserable. Yet we have the free will to make a choice to be content, grateful, and appreciative. This is also why sometimes it is better for us not to have something or someone we desire because then we will always want them instead of taking them for granted, being disappointed or bored by them, or throwing them away, which inevitably, naturally, and sadly are very possible outcomes.

Most people simply have no idea what they need to do or possess so that they can at last be happy. They wish to be powerful, understood, recognized, important, loved. They try anything but either it does not work or it does not for long. Nothing gives them the total, perennial joy they crave. People eat, drink, smoke, shop because they want distractions, so they need not think about and deal with their troubles. They run and hide in any way they can. They pretend to be happy but deep inside they are sad, angry, and lost. But you cannot live your life if you keep running away from it. You must needs face it, deal with it, and conquer it. If you do not start making significant changes, then nothing will ever change. You may also want to consider finding happiness in other paths. If coveting, longing, having, and getting all fail to give you joy, peace, or meaning that you wish, then giving, sharing, and caring you should try.

It is so very much difficult for you to reach happiness because there are as many as three formidable adversaries that you must defeat, often at the same time. The first one is your own nature, which continues to develop urges and has never been satisfied easily, quickly, and fully. You cannot prevent, control, and stop yourself from everlastingly desiring something, somebody, and somewhere that is new, different, and better. The second challenge is the people in your life. They might make it nearly impossible for you to be happy because they let you down, abandon you, take advantage of you, burden you, upset you, or disrespect you. The last, of course, is life. Each day it is going to throw your way different adversities and predicaments that demand your strength, patience, and skills to handle. However, you always have the option of settling for not being unhappy. It may not be the original, true, or preferred target, but it is considerably and inarguably better than distress itself. Remind yourself that it cannot always be good times. It is better this way, anyway. Happiness too can feel dull and meaningless if it does not trade places with misery from time to time.

### The Little Things

Often humans forget to take a moment and appreciate the things in their lives that they have been taking for granted; things that are actually remarkably important to them such as water, food, and shelter. It is understandably very difficult to be appreciative of something when there is an ample supply of it, it is easy to come by, it has never gone anywhere, or you have never gone long without it. But it is not until you find yourself unable to get your hands on it that you realize just how much you should have been thankful for having it and what you would give to have just a little taste of it. You would kill for it, figuratively and perhaps literally, if that is what it takes. In some cases such as sustenance, that is the _one and only_ way to get what you need. There is something primal about killing in order to win a battle against something. It shows that you understand the gravity of what is at stake. And when you finally get the chance of having that something again, you will feel both sad and happy at the same time because it never dawned on you how lucky you are as you feel at that moment.

Having the ability to see, hear, and walk as well as normal body parts and clean bill of health are also some of the things for which people never seem to be grateful. It is highly unlikely that they would think about how jubilant the disabled, the sick, and the hungry ones would be to have the things that they seldom appear to put high values to, to take a very good care of, to not be too lazy to use. The same goes with people. They would rather do other things than spend time with the ones they care about. They think that their beloved ones will be around forever. They never take time to imagine how it would be like not having those people in their lives. With people, however, sometimes it is too late to realize how little you appreciate their presence in your life and how much you really need them. Remind yourself that the best things in life are free. Ask yourself what things matter the most and what you have done to prove how much they mean to you.

Most people place too great a deal of care and attention to their possessions than to living. They are too busy caring, protecting, and loving their things that those things define their lives. They cannot seem to live without those, they have to make sure those are safe and sound, they think those are what give their lives meaning. _The things they own end up owning them_. To determine if you are one of those people, ask yourself if the things that you have make you happy or miserable, fulfilled or imprisoned. If you care more about your stuff more than you do your own health, family, and fellow human beings, then the answer should be clear to you. If you feel like you are becoming one or already one, then you should know that those things are not life. They are not your purpose, meaning, or a source of joy in this life and in this world. It is nice to have them, but not having them is not and should not be that bad either. You need freedom to be happy and it will give you happiness.

### Living Life to the Fullest

Routines, plans, schedules have taken the surprise out of life, or perhaps more correctly have taken the life out of life. Life should be unpredictable. Humans should be able to wake up in the morning feeling excited to see what life has in store for them that day. Instead, their lives for today, tomorrow, the whole year, and their entire time in this world are already set in stone. It is finishing school, finding a job, building a career, looking for a significant other, getting married, raising children, and kicking the bucket. But there has to be more to life than all of those things. Life is not boring. It is anything but boring.

The best kind of life is the one where you have no idea what you are going to do today. You just want to let life takes you wherever it takes you. To meet new people, to do different sorts of things, to feel something you have never felt before, and to learn a new thing or two about this life. But only a very small number of people live like that. It is a luxury. One that proves it true that money cannot buy everything because those people do not care about money. They still and do need money, but merely for essentials like nourishment or housing. They prefer to look for other sources of happiness that do not involve spending money or tons of it. Thus, they require not a lot of money and stressed they are not by demanding albeit high-paying job. They have plenty of free time to do anything they want. They can enjoy their hobbies and interests as well as look for new ones. They may not have much, but they surely take a great deal of pleasure in life. Sadly, this life can only work when someone does not have responsibilities and obligations. People with family who depend on them or the ones who want one must make sacrifices for the greater good. Nevertheless, they can still get joy from the people and things that they have in their family. They must have had a pretty good reason to be in one.

Life is but once and life is too short. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come. Live today as if it is your last day because it could prove to be the case. You never know. Do something that you want and have never tried before. Maybe you were afraid or you thought there was going to be much time. You may believe that you will die when you are old even if in reality, you know that it is not a certain thing. You ignore the fact that people do die so young and unexpectedly because you simply do not want to believe that you could or are going to die today or in the foreseeable future. That is what people who just discovered they had terminal diseases and were about to die had always thought. _Life can change drastically in a matter of seconds_. You do not want to get to the point where you wish to do many things but there is only little time at your disposal. You would not be able to pick which one you want to do first because they all are just very important and the impending doom torments you severely. You want to live only when it is all you can do. Eat and drink things that you can actually relish, buy something that you have always craved, or go somewhere you have never been. What is the point of living longer if you are miserable?

Letting go of the past and stop worrying about what will or will not happen are necessary too for you to be able to live in the moment. You can never change what happened but you can learn from it so you do not make the same mistakes and you can teach yourself to be more careful, smarter, and wiser. There are opportunities in the present that will never come back while you are busy being stuck in the past. If something that you are afraid of does not come to pass then you will have squandered useful time for nothing. If it has to occur and there is not a thing you can do to prevent that, then why bother? Bad, awful things will always happen no matter what you do. That is life. The best you can do is enjoy it while you can because there is no telling when and how the unpleasantness will arrive. When it does, _then_ it will be the perfect time to deal with it. For the time being, it is _carpe diem_.

The thing about planning your life is that you rarely take into account the things that you cannot control and predict as well as how they are going to affect your scheme. That is the reason why not one person's life ever turned out exactly the way they had mapped it out. Why wait for a completion of a plan, for something that may or may not happen, to be happy? Of course, that is not to say that you should just have fun nonstop because what you do today does impact your future. Therefore, you need to make sure that you do not do anything stupid like not studying, practicing, or working. _What good are today's pleasures if it means tomorrow's troubles and regrets?_

You should also not bother yourself with the views, choices, actions, and lives of some people. If what they are doing is not a crime, if their actions are not directly affecting or even hurting you, then why go through all that hassle of openly and harshly criticizing, insulting, and hating them? You cannot change people or force them to change, certainly not with pressure and aggression. There are better things to focus your time, energy, and attention on such as your work, relationship, family, and future. You may not like what they do or agree with what they believe in, but you can be respectful, tolerant, and kind because that is the only way you can live in harmony as a society. Leave them alone and keep your opinion to yourself then if you find it too difficult. Live and let live. If you keep offending, attacking, loathing them, sooner or later they are going to have to retaliate and it will get uglier real quick. There will be bad blood and hostility so severe, deep, and widespread that the chances of reconciliation are slim to none. Humans can live in peace despite their differences and disagreements _if_ they do not let those get in the way, _if_ they realize that they can help each other, _if_ they can see that they are not as different as they thought. You can and will be much happier if you harbor friendship in place of malice.

### Meaning and Purpose

At some point in your life you find yourself wondering what your true purpose in this world is and what the meaning of this life truly is. Why are we here? Is it nothing but survival? Finding your next meal and avoiding becoming food? Is there something specific that you are supposed to do in this life, with your life? How do you know you are not wasting your life? You are not the first and will not be the last human being to ask those questions. Many other people have asked or are asking now while hoping and looking for answers. They search for answers in different places, with a different amount of time, and with different methods. Most just stop asking, some get the answers they are satisfied with, others get the ones that are hard to accept, and the rest are left with only disappointment. There are people who believe that the goal of life is to pursue success and happiness. Others decide that what they want to do is enjoy this life for as much and long as they can. You can encounter many who think that their lives can serve a noble cause like helping people or making the world a better place.

I looked for my own answers by looking at the things that everyone in the world has. Maybe there is a reason why every human possesses the same things. I spent quite some time thinking about it but there was but one answer I could come up with, which is to live. At first, I told myself that that was not an answer. Everybody knows that. But I realized that I was looking at it the wrong way. I had never looked at them as being connected to each other but always separated. I then knew my answer. To live is to use and to combine those things. _What we are supposed to do is what we can do_. We can walk to see parts of the world we have not seen, we can save memories of our lives and then recall them later, we can spend time with people closest to us, we can feel what it is like to be hungry, and we can die knowing that we have lived.

But there is no right or wrong answer here. You need only find one that you feel most comfortable with. The path that when you walk in it you will recognize that it is the right one. You have the right and the ability to make your own choices. You need not be afraid if you do not know which road to take or if it is going to be the right one. Just pick the most promising one and try living your life based on that decision. See if it can lead you to somewhere good. If it is not the one for you, then you can always find something else to do. Look for something that can make you feel alive and want to stay that way.

### Who Are You?

People need goals to aim for to give them a purpose in life and to give life meaning. To do that, the first thing you need to do is decide what you want to become in this life. You can be anything you want to be, get anywhere you like, and have everything you desire. The problem and difficulty lie not in the target but in the realization. _Bigger dreams, higher aims, and stronger ambition require more effort and demand more resolve_. It is because the better the goals are, the more rivals there are, the longer it takes to succeed, and the harder the challenges become. But more on that later. Pondering who you will be is the only thing you should be doing at this point. You can be a scientist, an attorney, a designer, a translator, an athlete, a doctor, a journalist, a chef, and so forth.

There is a wide range of selection of field you can pick from: music, art, mathematics, nature, sports, history, medicine, science, mind, entertainment, business, journalism, literature, law, public affairs, cookery, craft, education, engineering, fashion, economy, advertising, technology, finance, linguistics, and many others. Choose one that you feel most interested in and most fascinated with, that you want to pursue further or explore deeper, or that you believe has the biggest potential for a bright future. Keep in mind that within the department itself there are many branches and various jobs so take some time to decide which path you want and can seriously strive for. Take sports for example. There is soccer, football, basketball, baseball, tennis, swimming, rugby, hockey, among several others. You can be player, coach, or manager. In linguistics, you can be a translator, compose a dictionary, or give tutorial.

Another way to make a decision is to recognize who you can become with what you possess. To do that, however, you must first discover your talent, know where your strengths lie, and find out what skills you have. And even if you do not have a special forte of some sort, it is not the end of the world. If anything, it could very well be your advantage. You need not focus on a single area but instead you can select anything you want. And without gifts to flaunt and to flatter yourself with, you can actually concentrate on achieving your aim. Besides, flair alone is never going to be enough if it does not have the support of other pivotal qualities, which you may already have or can acquire. Determination, confidence, patience, hard work, curiosity, and discipline should never be underestimated, overlooked, or abandoned for they are the ones that make all the difference.

You can also try to find out what posts are available for you to go after, prepare yourself, and eventually fill. The path of some may be influenced by their own unique aptitude, but for others the opportunities and or the line of work itself will entice, promise, and assure them to decide on something and commit themselves. There may not be enough teachers or lecturers in an educational institution, you might be able to bring something different and make significant improvement to the fashion world, or you could make something of yourself in the expansion of the field of psychology. Or you can attempt to predict where and what the demands will be in the future so you can equip and prepare yourself from today and reap the returns of your investment later.

Once you have set your objective, then it is time to deal with the hard part, which is figuring out how to get to the destination. Each field requires different sorts of preparation and skills in particular, but one cannot argue that there are common approaches that everybody can employ regardless of their individual career path. While there is no surefire way to accomplish your purpose, some methods are more certain to facilitate more progress and yield the best results. Going to school, academy, or college is the _sine qua non_ for learning process. There you can familiarize yourself with the field you intend to pursue and acquire the techniques necessary to carry out superbly your future job descriptions. Even if you already have extensive knowledge or a special knack, there is always a possibility of learning something new and unexpected that could prove valuable to your undertaking. Furthermore, get to know more about the world you will be joining by asking your mentor, discussing subjects with experts or buffs, and being aware and informed of its development.

Have courage to trust your own abilities, to believe that you can succeed, and to face the tests that lie ahead. Refrain from telling yourself that other people are smarter, stronger, more capable, and more talented than you are. It achieves nothing positive to be envious of or unnerved by the things others can do or have accomplished. You can instead see them as an example and a motivation to improve in your own way. Moreover, tenacity is perhaps the most important thing anyone must have for any venture in which he or she may take part. It requires a great deal of perseverance to learn a massive amount of knowledge, to handle problems, hurdles, setbacks, and failures, to continue despite difficulties, and to follow through with a dream. You owe it to yourself to give all and the best of your effort because you do not want to wake up sometime in the future and regret what could have been.

Take a close, hard, long look at the competition and the competitor because there might be something there that can be of use to you. Identify the reason for and result of every action, the pattern that events and actors seem to follow, the connection between the factors at play to ascertain what you can try, what you can do differently, and what you need to do. For example, if you are in journalism, you can endeavor to find out a professional whose insights about an occurrence that is likely to happen might be relevant and interesting to the general public. That is just one way for you to have the edge. Get creative, go the extra mile, dig deeper, look for room to improve, avoid errors, take risks, push the envelope, be prepared, refuse complacency, and so on.

Last but not least, think of what mark, memory, or legacy you want to make and leave in this world. This is something that you can be proud of now, later, and forever. It is also how you will be remembered in your workplace, among your colleagues, and by the people whose lives you have touched. It could be your achievements, dedication, contribution, or sacrifice. Imagine how your work is going to amaze lots of people and prompt them to learn more about you and even follow your footsteps. If you work hard, if you are really passionate about something and want to improve it, if you do it not only for yourself but also for people, you will become a legend, you will be a tough act to follow, and the very mention of your name will mean something to people. It is okay to feel good about yourself and your feat but you have to earn it first. And as you can agree, that is a daunting task.

### Saving the World

As the world spins more and more out of control with every passing day, the calling to try to change it or even save it is being answered by a growing number of people who decide that they need to do something, anything, if this world is to be a better place. You may or can be one of those people. It can give you a sense of purpose in life and can make you feel that you are making a difference, which is a good use of your life. The most significant thing you need to know and remember is that the responsibility of saving the world does not fall on anybody's shoulder. It is a choice, one that should never be taken lightly and carelessly for many good reasons.

Hundreds of things can and will discourage you from changing the world but that is part of it and you must endeavor to overcome them. You should not expect this to be simple and quick to accomplish. Why do you think no one has ever been able to succeed or even get close to succeeding? The first piece of information for you to write down is that you cannot save the world all on your own no matter how powerful and resourceful you are. If you really do want to save it, you have to possess the strength of accepting your limitations, one of which is that you cannot succeed with your every attempt. If your motives are acknowledgment, praise, fame, accolade, or some other kind of reward then people will not let you help them and others will not support and trust you enough to follow your footsteps. _Do good deeds for the sake of doing good deeds_. Some people also only want to give this thing a try if they are sure that the whole world can be better and their effort will not have been in vain. But you just have to start and keep doing it with every chance you get.

You may also be hoping that your work can make a big impact but if you are in the venture of making a difference, hoping for significant results will only weaken your resolve. If you are doing it because you want the world to be in peace always then you are wasting your time because this world is too big and too complicated. Do it because you believe in the idea that it can happen even if it does not or never will. And make no mistake, helping people can never guarantee you a sense of happiness. If anything, you will be miserable doing so because your inabilities and the lack of your capability, time, and resource to help others can get to you, among other things. You cannot save everybody. As long as you do what you can and whenever you can then it is enough. It is always better than doing nothing.

The problem with changing or saving the world is that the finish line seems to be all but invisible; the end goal borders on impossible to achieve. I find it helpful to redefine the aim as helping people instead. It does not sound so hard and it is easy to do. Doing good deeds may not sound as grand as saving the world but it can yield the same albeit smaller outcome. Everyone can help in their particular ways with their own abilities. You do not require special skills or superpowers to help people because the only things you need are a good heart and genuine kindness. At times you may not even be aware that some things that you can do can actually be helpful to people. Smile at and greet people politely because you may just make their day. If you do not litter, no one has to have the burden of picking it up.

By being a rightful and kind individual, you will have done more than enough. By showing people the value of being a good person and not telling them to change, you are allowing them to make their own choice, which can produce greater and longer results. You can inspire by setting examples. A simple and small act of kindness towards one person is big enough because with that you are showing them that there still are some good people in this world and they might just want to do the same. And the reward that you can gain from doing good is the warm feeling in your heart telling you that you have done a wonderful thing and put your life to a good use.

Do not let your mistakes, failures, and seemingly diminutive results disappoint you and stop you from helping others. Upon seeing that the world is still the dark, violent, ugly, and crazy place to live in after everything that you have done and tried, remind yourself of the people that you have helped because they and you know that what you did was something that you should be proud of. Another useful pointer is that you should never forget to live and enjoy your life once in a while because you need the fun and joy to keep you going. Besides, the world is getting neither worse nor better when you are off the clock.

You should always be able to see the bigger picture while doing your noble work. For instance, you should not give all your money to someone or something or devote your whole life to it because you have your own needs to survive and you need to work to be able to buy things. And helping people does not necessarily have to be your profession. You need not be a doctor, nurse, police officer, or firefighter to lend your hand. Your work may not be designed to help people directly, but at your breaks and in your commute you can and will find someone that you can do something for. You will never lack people in need of your help. You will also benefit from learning how to spot what types of situation in which you should involve yourself because oftentimes people do not take it well when others meddle in their personal matters. And every now and then you have to play the numbers game. If helping or saving one person or a few requires sacrificing your time, ability, and resource to aid hundreds or thousands, what would you do?

You must always start with helping yourself before you move on to other people. If you can help yourself then people need not save you and they can go help others. And if you tried to change yourself into a better person and succeeded, then you would be less likely to hurt people. Make an effort to see the error of your ways and make some amends. Apologize to the people you have wronged and or mistreated, attempt to fix the damage you have caused, and never make the same mistakes again. These are all what you can do about your own life that can help people. Theoretically, doing one fewer bad things is better than doing two good things.

You will recognize and learn about these lessons and possibly more sooner or later, the hard way or the easy way. You can choose to continue doing what you are doing in spite of all those difficulties or you can stop and just trying to relish life the best way you know how and let other people take care of the world. You have nothing to be ashamed of for wanting to live your life the way you want. However, you can still do your part for the cause by making certain that the way you take does not involve you doing evil things.

# PART TWO: DATING
## CHAPTER 2  
John Doe & Jane Doe

### Of Types, Criteria and Standards

Type is the first level of three layers of things that influence someone's decision to go out with somebody else. There are many types of people, each with its own appeal to different individuals. The popular girls, the athletic guys, the gorgeous broads, the handsome dudes, the powerful men, the successful women, the bad boys, the good girls, the smart dames, the polite fellows, the mysterious lads, the cold babes, the older gentlemen, the younger ladies, the mature ones, or the spoiled ones. Some people prefer one specific kind to another, some like to try something different occasionally, and others switch to different type after having had bad experience with someone from another sort. Some people have criteria that their prospective dates must meet if there is to be a date, the most common including fidelity, honesty, kindness, friendliness, and a sense of humor. There are those who also wants that someone not be a drinker, gambler, smoker, drug user, and does have their own place and steady job. Lastly, they have standards to measure the overall quality of the person so they can determine if he or she passes their selection process.

Having a specific type can mean that you already know what kind of person that you are looking for, you can see yourself with, and you can be satisfied with. However, if things did not work out more than once with the same type, then you should explore other options. Unless you have tried it before, you cannot possibly know the outcome of dating someone relatively different. Moreover, often people can be as blind as a bat and ignore the presence of bad qualities and the absence of important ones because they are distracted and enchanted by superficial features such as physical appearances or possessions. You overlook vital attributes like maturity, compassion, respect, trustworthiness, and many other traits that are key to fostering a healthy and lasting relationship. Looks can be deceiving, as they say. Someone may be pretty to look at but nasty to deal with. If what you are seeking is temporary fun, then be free to date anyone who can arouse your curiosity and make you laugh. If it is long-term and serious relationship that you are after, you must begin considering the important qualities that someone you want to be with ought to possess.

If you are someone with high standards, then you must be extremely selective in choosing whom to date. Because you do not want to settle with someone other than what you deem the best, you will keep looking for faults in everyone and you become less tolerant to the weaknesses of people in order to be sure that you make the right choice. But if you continue going down that road, you may never be able to find someone good enough for you and you will end up alone. Lower your standards a little. Learn to accept that everyone has his or her own imperfections. Try to learn to see yourself as another human being that has flaws also. Focus more on the good side of someone. And should you be one of those people who find it easier to say someone is out of their league than to actually try fighting to get them, then you rightly do not deserve them, although not for the reason that you believe. It is because you do not have the guts to overcome your own fear and insecurity to go after what you want. Even if you cannot win them in the end, knowing that you at least tried can give you a small consolation in the fact that you fought bravely and not ran cowardly.

It is natural to be picky because everyone wants what they think is best for them. Nevertheless, having all of these things can very well prevent you from getting to know someone special if from the outside they just do not seem to be what you are looking for. There is more to everyone than meets the eye. It goes both ways. There are unpleasant things behind a seemingly perfect person but there can also be good qualities lying under the somewhat inconspicuous package. Go out with anyone that seems nice and fun enough to take on a date and see where it goes from there. If it works out, then it is great for the both of you. If it does not, then it would cost you but a couple of hours and several bucks. It is not too much of a risk so it is worth taking.

### Self-Improvements

Convincing yourself that you just need to stay being yourself and refusing to make some big changes in and with your life are the underlying reasons why you keep hitting a snag in the dating game. Say 'just be yourself' after you have made adequate improvements to yourself and not a moment before. The primary purpose of improving yourself is for you to become relationship, or at least dating, material. And it would be better if you did it for the growth and betterment of yourself, not just to get a date. The first order of business is physical modifications. Like it or not, appearances do matter and do affect your chances of getting a date because people's first impressions of you are predicated on them. Body odor is a big no-no so make sure the only scent coming from you is any one of soap, shampoo, perfume, cologne, or deodorant. Still from the smell department, do something about your breath too if its smell is unpleasant and troubling. Brush your teeth, do some flossing, and use mouthwash as well as breath spray. The next item is hair. Extensive treatments and styling are not necessary as long as you cut it when it has gotten too long, wash it regularly so it will look and feel fresh and clean, and comb it so it does not appear that you just got out of bed. In addition, wear outfits that are not dirty, sweaty, or stinky.

Now that we have covered the light issues, let us discuss the heavy ones. Yes, you need to improve physically if you want to attract people's attention. Think of it like when you want to eat something. There is a tiny chance that you will be willing to eat something that does not look delicious. Even if the meal is otherworldly amazing, people have to want to put it in their mouth first to know what it tastes like. And it having an appealing look can certainly be helpful. Weird metaphor for people fighting for their figure, but it is true.

Losing weight is something that millions of people are struggling with not just because they want to look good, but also so they will be able to move more freely, to fit into clothes, and to profit from a healthier body and life. If you are one of them, then you can employ several strategies like exercising regularly, adjusting your diet or going on one, and controlling your compulsion to eat. None of them are pleasant to do but that is what it takes and you will not lose a pound by being sad and depressed about your weight and then eat to stuff your feelings.

It is also imperative to change and enhance how other parts of your body look. Do what can and needs to be done as long as it does not become your sole and primary focus and it does not cost an unreasonable sum of money. Use products and have cosmetic surgeries if you can afford it and only if it is absolutely necessary. It is your own prerogative to choose what you want to do with your own body and money. But you have to understand that there are risks involved, both physically and psychologically. Something might go wrong during the procedure or you might experience unexpected post-op complications. And by altering one thing, you might feel the urge to change another part of you that you are uncomfortable with and keep altering everything instead of trying to live with it. When you see yourself in the mirror and you are still not satisfied and confident with what you are looking at, convince yourself that you have done enough with what can appear in the mirror.

If you think that was hard, doing something about your mentality will be even more difficult. First of all, stop feeling sorry for yourself. It has never done anybody any good wallowing in self-pity. _What you cannot change you can only accept_. To boost your self-confidence, list the good things about you that people usually say about you. You can be kind, respectful, responsible, mature, smart, polite, loyal, gentle, or brave. If you agree with them then you should show it more to the one or ones that you want to attract. To raise your self-esteem, try to compare yourself with others less because when you do that, your focus is going to be their superiorities over you. If you spend more time knowing, improving, and loving yourself, you will have more chance of winning this war against yourself.

And if you have trouble with self-consciousness, you definitely should get out more so you can confront your fear, figuratively and literally. People will always look so you better get used to it. When you see that people are looking, do not walk away or look down immediately. Take deep breaths, look at them, and feel them staring. The fear that emerges exists because you have been letting the look people give you lead you to believe that there is something wrong with your appearance when in fact there is none. What matters only is what you think of it.

Overcoming the fear of rejection is done by accepting the fact that it is a very possible outcome. You can try to tip the scales in your favor by changing yourself into a better person in various aspects, but the final decision can still be against you. Yet you cannot know the answer if you do not ask and 'no' will be more likely if you do not do everything in your power. Rejection will hurt you but self-loathing usually follows cowardice rapidly and it will destroy you. And should you get repeatedly rebuffed, use those experiences to learn that there is nothing to be afraid of. The sky is blue, the birds are singing, and you are alive and kicking. Yes, you are still alone, but it is not for good. They cannot all turn you down. Everyone has different judgment and surely, you must have some good qualities in you.

There are numerous avenues you can explore to help you improve yourself socially. Starting from the most obvious one, you need to put yourself out there. Be more proactive by searching for potential dates in many and various places. And by going out you will be letting others see you and take an interest in you. Do activities that require you to go out of your place more often. Hit the coffee shop, exercise at the gym, jog in the park, shop in the stores, attend social events like birthday or wedding parties, or any other things that allow you to meet and be seen by people. This is also your opportunity to brush up on your manners so when the time comes, you will not embarrass yourself or your date.

It would also behoove you to endeavor to broaden your horizon through reading newspapers and magazines, watching the news and popular television programs, listening to the radio, and taking part in conversations with people. These all can help you to be familiar with more things so that when you meet or are on a date with someone, you have wide range of topics to pick from and you will have an inkling as to what they are talking about. Expanding your social circle by getting to know more people can be beneficial as well for it brings you one degree closer to meeting someone with whom you can be compatible. Your new friend might know someone who socializes with somebody that has dealings with someone that is ideal for you.

As you begin talking with people more, it increases your odds of getting the hang of it. Learn the perfect moment to speak and to listen, the importance of paying attention, the art of interrupting someone politely, and the way to ask and answer questions. What you must also acquire is how to make small talk. For some people it is very hard to do this thing because they are not the chatty type and they prefer to talk if and only if necessitated. But that needs to change. It is how you break the ice with someone you just met. And if someone looks attractive then you are going to need an excuse to talk to them. You can use the weather or current events as your conversation starters and you can continue based on what the other party says. If it turns out you both enjoy your little talk, you can ask them out or make your interest known. Getting and having a decent, stable job as well as a place of your own are also essential because it indicates that you are ready to start a social life with someone.

### The Crossroads

Having a successful professional and personal life is a dream that everyone strives to reach. Unfortunately, it has a tendency of staying being a dream because, as many people can attest, it is very challenging to have and to manage both. Whether you are dating, in a relationship, or married, the issue remains the same. Work and romance will never make it simple for you to enjoy life. Let us assume you were at this particular crossroads once. It must not have taken long for you to realize that you had to choose one over the other if they were to succeed. And without a doubt, you picked work and opt for putting relationship on the back burner. The plan was, you would spend some time looking for a job, being good at what you do, and making sure you can handle things perfectly at the workplace. Then only after that would you start your search for a significant other. It was a good plan because it was the right and rational thing to do. You can go on living without companionship or love but without food, it might get a little trickier to survive.

However, more often than not, work takes up so much of your time and energy. In order not to be reprimanded, replaced, demoted, sacked, or outsold, you discover that you need to give and try more. Therefore, you put in more hours, acquire new techniques, finish faster, recheck everything for flaws, and so forth. Fierce competition demands that you give more of yourself and of your life if you want your business to stay afloat or if you want to keep your job. Finding someone and going on dates will sound like extra work and that is the last thing you need. Not to mention that it will only be a distraction that will hinder the advancement of your career or enterprise. Competition, however, will not get easier over time. It will only grow tougher. What are you going to do then? You obviously will have to give a lot more than what you are currently giving. Thus, your best option is to start immediately.

Set aside some time to go out so you can meet people. Make use of weekends, holidays, and day offs when you are in a relationship because you need to spend time to get to know each other better, to do things together, and to work on your issues. Handling work and relationship problems is where things get particularly tough. It is no problem having two lives if everything is fine with your job and your relationship. But when one begins to present a difficulty, it is going to affect the other. For instance, when you had a fight with your partner the night before, you might be off your game the next day and you could not deal with difficult customer or situation as perfectly as you usually do. From there, things would only get worse if you let that complication bother you too much. Maybe you had never made a mistake before and you might begin doubting your abilities and perhaps blaming your partner for causing this. And things can get out of hand very fast from here if you do nothing about it or if you do the wrong thing.

The first thing you need to do is take control. Do not let your emotions get the better of you and make you do things that you normally would not do. Stop being angry at yourself for making a mistake at work and find your way back to your old self. You need to be that person again and you can improve them so the next time you will be stronger and better. As with your partner, apologize if you did blame them for your trouble back at the office or if you took out your frustration on them. Discuss the argument you had so you can solve it and put it behind you.

You still need to take another measure to protect your job and relationship. Since you have seen the damage these two lives can cause, then you should now understand the importance of separating one from the other. Do not ever call, text, email, or IM one another when you are working and do not look at their pictures or read their texts or emails during work hours. When you are on a date, refrain from talking about work; look at, talk to, or do things with your partner to avoid thinking about work; do not rush one for the sake of the other, and so on. If they are to coexist in harmony, compartmentalizing is crucial. Start doing it as early as possible because you need the practices to go through more challenging periods in both career and romantic liaison.

It is also possible that you face another dilemma regarding this choice between success and love, which is your obsession with and dependency on your work. You and many enough people feel that your job is enough fulfillment of your life because you excel at it. Plus, you see how exhausting and complicated it is to build and nurture a personal life. You just know that you do not want to go to that much trouble when you are content with your present situation. Be that as it may, you must feel lonely from time to time. Or you will at least. You cannot spend your whole life at your workplace. Eventually you have to go and be at home. And your mind is going to start playing tricks on you. The room will appear smaller and emptier, the unending silence feels deafening, and the air becomes colder. It will feel like you are in a grave. You are alone with no one to talk to while other people go on living their lives with their loved ones. Loneliness is no way to live. Be not afraid to give relationship a chance. You can move on from someone to someone else if it turns out you cannot be together, but at least you will not be alone and lonely.

### When Worlds Collide

Often you have to look further, sometimes you have to look no further, or you need not look at all. There are so many ways that you can meet someone. And you will meet someone. You just never know how. It can happen anytime and anywhere so you had best prepare yourself and be ready all the time. You do not want to miss losing someone just because you are caught off guard. Every time you are out in public places, you have a very big and bright chance of having an encounter with someone. Heck, you can be inside your own home and someone might come to you. It is possible. Maybe they are looking for their lost dog or have the wrong address. The point is, you have no idea who is on the other side of the door or who is coming from the other direction. If you are prepared, you will be able to strike up a conversation with anyone and you are not too surprised to respond. Even so, a lucky coincidence or a meet cute is not the sole scenario that you can root for to meet potential dates.

Friends and relatives can offer to set you up with their friend or sibling who is also single and looking if they see that you two have several things in common. Or you can ask them if they know someone that suits your preference. There is no shame in asking for help. You cannot do everything alone and this might be one of them. Ask for no picture since it can dissuade you from taking a chance. Just go and meet the person and try to have a good time. No one said anything about relationship or getting married. These buddies and pals of yours can also be the bridge between you and your suitor so go to the events they are having because it will be packed with lots of their other friends and acquaintances. If you see someone attractive, you can go and have a chat with them or ask your friend to introduce you to them.

Another possible way of meeting someone is through parents, though it is particularly unpopular and uncommon among people in this modern era to involve their parents in their personal affairs. But even if you can never see yourself asking your folks to find you someone or discussing your unsuccessful attempt in doing so, do not at once shoot down their proposal of introducing you to someone. Deliberate it, at least. Their candidate may be someone that can surprise you because your parents might know you better than you think and they certainly want the best for their children. Moreover, parents are likelier than their offspring to recognize what is important to look for in someone. Or you can agree to it just so they will get off your back. Whichever the motive is, you should take the opportunity and see how it plays out.

Occasionally you might fail to notice what is there in front of you when you are too busy looking elsewhere or hoping for something else. There is a possibility that you have met, spoken, or interacted with someone special but at that time you were not in the right state of mind. You did not so much as give them a second glance because you were waiting for something, striving to finish something, or expected by others. It could be someone who works in your building, who shops in the same store, or who is a customer. Someone may also have been giving you hints that he or she is attracted to you but too afraid to ask you out. Or you seem to be showing little or no interest and they soon back off. It could also be that they are waiting for you to make a move. Make sure first that you have checked and rechecked your own backyard before you begin and continue your quest in other places.

Sometimes the easiest place to look is the one where you should not. It is very easy to develop feelings for someone that you see frequently. The fact that you both make your work your lives also does not help things. You crave companionship and intimacy and since you spend your days either at home or at work, you have nowhere else to look for and find someone. Whether it is where you work, study, shop, or eat, you do not want to get involved with somebody that you see on a regular basis. You do not dip your pen in the company ink; you do not crap where you eat. Most companies even have a policy regulating fraternizing between coworkers to protect the organization and the employees. They realize that it is in everybody's best interest that professional and personal lives remain separate. If things did not work out between you, then you would not be able to work together and it would affect your job performance. In addition, if nothing took a turn for the better, then either one of you would have to quit or suffer termination of employment. The situation will get awkward when things ended badly with someone and you will have to make some unexpected and uncomfortable changes. So, it is for your own good to stay away from this sort of thing.

### Friendship and Romance

This one merits a special treatment and separate discussion due to its myriads of occurrences. Everyone must have had his or her own experience of mistaking friendliness with interest or affection. It is practically a rite of passage. Misinterpreting the signals from and the level of closeness with your friend is not a fault. The amount of time you spend together, the look they give you, the things you share with one another can all lead you to believe that they want you, that they want to be with you. Although it is not unheard of that that is the case, it is far more common for people to get it wrong.

If you happen to have a close friendship with someone right now or in the future, tread lightly and carefully so you do not end up losing a friend. If they remain single for an unusually long period of time, find out why. They might just be waiting for an opportunity, laying out the groundwork, or summoning up the courage to approach someone; they are not ready or in a hurry to be in a relationship yet or again; or they are focusing on their study or work for now. If you catch them giving you a look, see what their reaction to you knowing. If they blush or turn their head away, that means they do not wish you to catch them and have something to hide. However, if they only smile or wave, then it is probably nothing more than a cordial look. If they hang out with you frequently, look for possible explanations. Maybe they have no more than a few friends or just you alone, no sibling to talk to and do things with, or things are not so good at home with their parents.

On the other hand, you should be very careful not to send mixed signals to your friend. Limit the number of touching, smiling, complimenting so you will not be putting ideas in their head and they will not get the wrong idea. Mention the word 'friend', 'friendship', 'brother', and 'sister' as many times as possible with subtlety. You want to make it clear that you see them purely as friends but you do not want to drive them away with your warning. Think about what you did, are doing, or are about to do and see if it can mislead anyone especially your friend. Saying that you have no idea what to do without them or cannot live without them can be easily misinterpreted.

It is neither wrong nor outrageous to want more of something good. You feel like there is a good chemistry between the two of you, you can have fun together, and you never have problems or at least big enough to cause a rift between you. These can cause you to look at them and your relationship differently. You see them more as a potential partner. You ask yourself if this bond that you have can mean that you have a future together as a couple. Over time, it just becomes harder to resist the temptation of getting even closer to them and the prospect of connecting physically never helps people make good judgments. However, have you ever considered the possibility that it is going well because it is platonic? Instead of holding hands or kissing, you talk about stuff. You do not have sex; you discuss sex. It is not unusual for someone in this position to hide and repress their feelings for months and years. You keep seeing them picking the wrong persons and getting brokenhearted all the time. You are the one who has always been there picking up the pieces. You secretly wish that they could just see that you are the right person for them because you understand them and you can make them happy.

Before you act impulsively, you need to be aware of the ramifications of wanting to date your friend. Your friendship will be in jeopardy as a result of either refusal or failure of the date. Either way, things will never be the same again for you. It is going to take a long time for you both to go back to the way it used to be. But pain from refusal, guilt for declining, or awkwardness during dates can make one of you pull away from the other right away or gradually during your recovery period. If you have examined the situation carefully, if you believe you can be romantically involved, and if you are willing to bet your friendship on it, then by all means take a chance to explain your reasons and state your arguments to your friend. Far be it from anyone to forbid you to fight for something. If you should decide to go for broke, ask them if they want to have a couple of dates first to see if you both will not feel weird about it.

Let us now discuss what you can do when your friend decides to do something foolish to ruin a perfectly good friendship. First of all, if you feel at least a little bit interested or attracted to them, then say yes and go out together on a date. Your rejection will almost certainly push them away so you might as well see how it goes. Plus, you will go through rough patches in your relationship anyway, whether it is with a friend or a lover. It cannot and will not be easy to say no to your friend's proposition especially if you can see how hard they are trying. Nevertheless, you have to stay objective. If you think it is only going to lead to heartache or you are not sure you want to be with them that way, convey your reason to them. Maybe you have been in this kind of situation before and it has taught you to know better and act wiser. Or you do not want to lose them as a friend if it turns out you cannot make it work. There is a very good chance that your rejection will mark the end of your friendship but you cannot exactly force yourself to go out with them either.

This sort of misunderstanding usually occurs because people attempt to be friends first with their target, hoping that it will increase their chances of success in getting someone either to ask them out or to go out with them. To prevent the same embarrassing and painful thing from repeating itself, the next time you want to get close to someone, do not wait too long before asking them out and make the romantic nature of your intentions clear from day one.

### Execution

It is time to put the moves on. There are many advances you can make to achieve your goal but you must etch in your mind the need to employ patience, sincerity, and perseverance. What you can do first is keep finding or making up excuses to spend time, be near, talk with, or look at them. This is the easiest way for you to let someone know that you are interested. People can generally pick up the clue and they will respond by either taking some distance or allowing you to come hither. In case the message that either one of you are sending is not clear to the other, you can woo them by being more assertive. You should also know when and learn how to back off if it is obvious that they are not interested. The reason could be that you are not their type, they are not looking for a date or a relationship, or there is something you do that turn them off. Being persistent is important, but sometimes no means no.

Occasionally, however, you can be trying too hard to impress or get someone's attention that it backfires. You make your life and job sound awesome, you show them the things you have and can do, you send, give, do things to and for them, or you pretend to be someone you are not. If and when it happens, say you are sorry and apologize for your behavior. Tell them that you did all those things because you wanted to win their heart. If you seek to have a successful long-term relationship with that person, do yourself and them a favor by being yourself. If, however, you just want it to be temporary with them, then you can just pretend and hope it works.

You will be better off if you know your way around compliments. They are a good way to show and recognize interest. When someone compliments you a lot, they are checking to see if you are interested or they are striving to get noticed and asked out by you. Learning to distinguish praises is also important. They can be real or fake, though it depends on the opinion of the recipient to determine the truthfulness of it. If you think that you are good-looking and someone compliments you for it, then you will assume that it is true. Someone will perceive the compliment as insincere if they believe that their work was not excellent.

Compliments can also turn into flattery if they are overdone. Look for something that is indisputable about someone and prepare supporting arguments in case they ask or seem unsure and unmoved. Start with the big and apparent things like hair, smile, eyes and move on to small things that are harder to notice like their weight. There are also suggestive compliments and plain ones. Someone can say you are smart and all it means is that they are happy for you. But when you are being repeatedly complimented by someone for your dedication, they might be telling you to come get them or give them some sign. Nevertheless, compliments are not the only way to flirt with someone. Smiling at them, telling them some funny jokes (emphasis on funny), laughing at their jests, and making eye contact are also effective to charm them.

If it never seems to be sufficient the time and effort that you have put for them then just move on because you will or should realize that you no longer want to be with them. Some people are just not worth fighting and wasting time for. Save your dignity by not continuing begging for someone's affection. Try as hard as possible never to become desperate because people can smell it and they will take advantage of you and have no respect for you. Moreover, why must you be so hell-bent on getting that one particular individual? It could very well be the reason why they are unwilling to agree to go out with you. They want to be with someone who is strong and confident and when they see you, they see the opposite of that. The things that you have worked so hard and so long for will be futile as long as you cannot add that one last piece. There is plenty of fish out there and you need to show yourself and your target that you are aware of that.

It is understandable that you want to see how serious someone is concerning his or her intentions to be with you. You need to and should make sure that they want to get to know you and not just perceive you as a part of their personal conquests. It is not your dream to be somebody's plaything that they will forget, throw away, or abandon as soon as they feel bored. Yet you must not forget to see the distinction between testing someone's resolution and simply playing them. If you have no intention whatsoever of going out with them, then stop making them jump through hoops to prove themselves to you. And if they have endured the hard times that you have given them and still not given up, it will be your own loss not to give it a shot with them. They have waited until now but they will not wait forever. _Nobody waits forever_. Give it a chance with them because they might just be the best thing that will ever happen to you. Determine a possible, reasonable, and realistic point that they have to reach before you say yes.

You should not wait too long and do too much before you ask someone out. Excessive courtship can annoy people quickly. Make a compelling case by explaining why you want to have a date with them, describing your good qualities, and promising that you will have a terrific time together. Also, do not forget to remind and assure them that they have nothing to lose by going out with you. Should they agree, name the time and place of the date or exchange numbers with them so you can plan it later.

### Rejection

Rejection is a hard and bitter thing to swallow, yet it is unavoidable sometimes. There is nothing you can do that will make them change their mind, especially if they told you so. A productive thing that you can do is respect their decision because it is their right after all. It is okay to be disappointed and angry for being shot down. No one likes to be on the receiving end of a rejection. Some may be more able in handling it, but that does not mean they are partial to it. You need to be careful, though, for rejection has a way and ability to damage and crush your self-esteem and self-confidence. Being turned down can prompt you to doubt and feel sorry for yourself if you allow it. You must never let this experience dishearten you from trying again.

No one bats a thousand. And in this instance, if you never give up, you will never lose. Thus, you need to get back out there pronto. The longer you remain crestfallen over that slight mishap, the more convinced you will be that you can never get someone. But before that, find a good time to mull over the reason for the refusal that they communicated to you. It could prove to hold some water and be constructive for you. Maybe you showed your disgusting habit and it grossed them out. It is also not impossible that you were coming on too strong and that damaged your chances.

If you happen to be the one declining an offer, always opt for honesty and gentleness over lies and brutality. Letting them down easy is the least you can do for them. You would want the same decency should you ever be on the other side of the table. And try to offer your friendship to them as a courtesy. You should be expecting reluctance and even refusal on their part given the situation but do not make a big deal out of it. There will always be hard feelings in these sorts of situations. It is no one's fault that you feel no interest or attraction towards them. You are merely following your heart and they can and will understand that eventually. What matters is the fact that you will be doing the right thing by turning them down with finesse and respect.

##  CHAPTER 3  
Reservation for Two

### Introduction

_Dating is merely a stage where you and someone can get to know one another better whilst having fun together with no strings attached_. You go on dates so you can have conversations and get a better understanding as to who your date is. You attempt to do and enjoy things like a meal or a movie together to see if you like spending time with them. It is a two-way street because your date is also assessing whether or not you are someone they feel easy talking to, can be honest with, and feel comfortable around. Dating does not mean that you are in a relationship. It is a period for you both to find out if you can and want to be officially together. And since you have not made a commitment to each other, you are free to date anyone else at the same time.

The place of the date is flexible because what matters is that it can provide you something to do together and some space to do so. Typically, a restaurant or a café is where people go on the first date because either place allows them to just sit, talk, and have some food and beverage. You can choose to do the same but for the subsequent date or dates, pay a visit to another venue so you can do other stuff. You can go somewhere that you or your date frequent or a new place entirely. There are many places to go to such as movies, parks, fairs, buildings, museums, galleries, bars, clubs, or arenas. You can go sightseeing, watching film, taking a stroll, watching sports game, seeing a music performance, and do hundreds of other things together. Have and enjoy many experiences, go through events, and use the moments to make evaluations.

### Extending Courtesy

Dating is a form of social activity and when it comes to anything social, it is paramount to be courteous. You asking or accepting to go on a date with someone means that you have to show your utmost respect for the other party. Surely, you must want others to treat you well, in this case your date. Being on time should be number one on your checklist. Nobody likes to wait for someone especially if they had to set aside the little free time they have. If something puts the kibosh on your plan and you have to cancel, inform them as soon as possible, apologize for that misfortune, and offer to make it up to them. When you are on the date, give your full attention and time to your date. Do not look at your cell phone, stare at other people, or look elsewhere while they are talking to you. Everyone expects to be heard. Interrupt only when it is necessary like if you need to go to the restroom and do it politely, with fine words and a light smile. When they are telling you a joke, listen attentively so you can get it and laugh at it. Even if you do not find the joke hilarious or clever, give it a feigned laughter or a chuckle. It is called being considerate and they will appreciate you for it. They can infer from your expression that you were not entertained but by being polite, you are giving them a chance to try again and not ruining the whole date. The same goes for conversation topic.

When your date asked you out or agreed to go on a date with you, humiliation was not what they expected for appearing in public with you. To spare them that, be on your best behavior, dress well, and avoid any appearances that attract negative attention. Dates do not always go well. There are various reasons and explanations but when it happens to you, do not make up fake excuses to bolt. People can tell when you cannot seem to wait to get away from them. What is worse is if you decide to flee the premises. It is but one date anyway. You can go through another hour listening to them without having to leave them with a painful and embarrassing memory that they will definitely not forget for quite some time.

Not going out with someone else is another form of decency that you can offer to your date. You have every right to do so. Your date probably has no problem with that, either. They could be okay with the convention or they too are seeing someone else. Yet it would be tougher to like and have a good time with someone if you kept comparing them with another person. You can still date someone else later if things do not work out with this one. For the time being, however, stick to this one person. Nevertheless, you need not boast that to your date. It is going to make you look conceited in front of them.

The majority of people also do not like it when their date gets handsy. It mainly applies to women but there are men who have problem with unexpected physical contact. There are those who are okay and do expect it but some like it not. If you want to make physical contact with them, be it holding their hand or kissing them good night, you should let them know about it. Asking their permission is neither sexy nor romantic, but it works and it prevents misunderstanding. However, if you insist on being spontaneous, do it slowly and gently so they will not feel violated. If you want to kiss them, lean forward a little so they can see what you intend to do and can decide whether to accept or refuse. If you want to hold their hand, give it a little touch first. If they immediately withdraw their hand, then they are presently against it. If and only if nothing happens, then you can hold it tighter.

You must also never permit your date to treat you with disrespect in any kind and amount. Should it become obvious that your date is mistreating you, make sure that they know you will not take it. Confront and demand them to show more respect so they can start changing their behavior. People do anything they want because they think they can and it is okay. So, you will be doing yourself, them, and others a service if you open their eyes to the wrongness of their actions. On the other hand, if there is anything you did that offended your date in some way, ask for their forgiveness and more importantly show some improvement.

### Altering Personality

Being somebody else is like holding your breath. You cannot wait to breathe, you cannot do it forever, and with every passing second you feel like it is killing you. If you are dating someone because you want to see if you can be comfortable around them, then why the need for pretense? One thing you need to keep in mind is that your date did not ask you to be someone you are not. So, why should you? The answer again has something to do with your self-esteem and self-confidence. You are afraid that they cannot deal with and accept the differences that you have from them; that if they see the real you, they will not want to see you anymore. It is hard enough to get this one to go out with you and if you screw this up you may not find someone else ever again. You do not have faith that you can find someone that will tell you that they are fine with your attributes and views. You simply do not want to be alone, again or for the rest of your life. Loneliness, desperation, and rejection can push you to do anything just so you do not have to deal with them anymore. Nevertheless, even if you manage to charm your date into liking you, you are bound to start questioning whether they can like you for who you are and how long you can maintain this ruse and charade. _It is happier and more liberating to be rejected for who you truly are than to be accepted and loved for who you pretend to be_.

You cannot have a great time hiding your true self, which is against the purpose of dating. You can be too busy spending your time and energy evaluating your previous moves and choosing your next words that it renders you unable to enjoy the date. However, some people can tell if you are pretending and what you will get is the opposite of what you were hoping for. They certainly will not respect you, they will not enjoy being with you, and there will be no next date. Did it ever occur to you that perhaps by being genuine and honest you could persuade your date to do the same and you could have a truly great time together? And it should not come as a surprise to you that you are not the only one putting on an act during the date. Everyone wants their date to think highly of them and they are aware that if they behaved poorly then words would spread. Their goal is to make you like them so you want to go out with them again or at least for you to perceive them as a nice and interesting person, just like yours. You cannot bluntly tell them to just be themselves and stop lying, though. That is not how it is done. What you do is you tell them how you honestly see yourself and what you hear people say about you. Be open and honest about yourself so the person in front of you can try to do the same.

However, you might need to consider adjusting your personality just a tiny bit so you both can enjoy your date. You can be abrasive to anyone else in your life but for this one time and one person you should strive to be a little nicer for a change. You want to have someone in your life, you have to make some changes and sacrifices. You cannot have it both ways. This is not saying that it should be every part of you or in a major way. Just show them that you can be kind and that there is good in you. You can also explain why you may not be the nicest, warmest, cheeriest person around. This way, you did not change, hide, or show your true personality. You _acknowledge_ it. They can know you more, understand you better, and decide if they can be with you. And who is to say you cannot keep being nice? You used to believe that it is impossible for you to be pleasant and warm but never tried. Now you have and as it turned out you could.

Everyone looking for a relationship does this thing. When they want someone to like them and be with them, they need to give that somebody a motive. And the only way to achieve that is to give them what they want in a person with whom they want to be. They strive to be at their best behavior, show their strengths, and present themselves in the finest light. There is just no other way to get someone to agree to be your girlfriend or boyfriend. However, you can be so busy with this charade that you may overlook some other crucial matters. You must ask yourself if you actually like to be with the individual in question. Are you attracted to them? Do you find them interesting? Do you enjoy spending time with them? Yet another question one must answer is how one will manage to ensure that the relationship will last. You may wish to have a relationship with someone, but above all, you want and need to be yourself. It is always going to be about you. It is never about anyone else. People can pretend, but they do not change. That applies to both you and your date. These are not important and necessary if what you are looking for is something temporary. The same cannot be said if the search is for someone significant.

Everybody has flaws and weaknesses. No matter how well you conceal yours, they will not stay hidden forever. Would it not be good to see if your date was okay with it? Is it not the objective of dating to assess whether you can be comfortable with someone? Do you not want to be with someone that you can be yourself around? Is it not better to know now than to put yourself through so exhausting an exercise of pretending? You could try to change, but that would be absurd since the point of dating is to find someone who wants to be with you for who you are. Who is to say that what repels this one will not prove to be something attractive or tolerable in the eyes of the other ones? _What one individual absolutely cannot live with another person might have no problem with whatsoever_. You and your current date may not have one or several things in common, but if you go out with another man or woman there may be something for which you and they share a passion. It is more than understandable that you desire and mean to make it work with the current one. But if something is a deal breaker, then let that thing live up to its name.

### The Conversation

Asking and answering questions is how people, in this case you and your date, can get to know each other better. On one hand, you want to tell more about yourself and on the other hand, you would like to have more knowledge of them. The most crucial thing about dialogues is that you both have opportunities to talk and listen. You can kick off the conversation process by telling something about yourself, asking your date what they want to know about you, or letting them answer your question. Observe and notice things about them that you can ask like their outfit or accessories. Sometimes you need only ask rather than guess in order to learn about someone. You can still take guesses and use them as conversation starters. This could lead them to tell you about their hometown, high school, sibling, the meaning of their name, and so forth. Pick subjects that people usually understand, know about, or have interest in. Do not ask something personal like childhood unless your date initiates it or you have established a good connection. When either one or both of you can feel comfortable and safe enough with one another, it can develop into sharing and swapping stories.

Assure them that you can talk about anything they like and not just what people usually talk about. But only do so when you mean it because they will be disappointed if you cannot show enthusiasm in listening. Bring it to your date's attention if you do not wish to speak about something as well as explain why. Moreover, to avoid awkward silence that might swiftly ensue, introduce a new subject you can discuss. You can have a dialogue about your favorite cuisine, choice of pastime activities and hobbies, or the places you have been or dream to visit. Try talking about whatever that is in your mind or any subject you love to talk about because there is no foreseeing what your date is going to say. They might like it, get interested, or even better know a thing or two about it. If they do not seem intrigued by your topic, think of something else to talk about or ask them so that it can be their turn to speak.

It has happened before that when people get too excited they can forget about anything or anyone else. When you are talking, pay attention to your pace and eye contact. Allow them to be part of your storytelling by asking them if they were ever in the similar situation for they might be able to relate. Also, do not fill the whole date with conversation since your date may not be the chatty type, they want to do something else like enjoying the view or the meal, or they are simply tired of chatting. Conversation is key to every date, but having too much of it can cause an adverse and unwanted effects.

### Save the Date

You must do something to prevent your date from becoming or continuing to be ineffective. But first you need to be alert of any indications that your date is not working and you are losing your date. It could be lazy nods, tapping of fingers, forced smile or laughter, or uncomfortable silence. Watch out for scarcity of replies, comments, or questions, lack of eye contacts, and empty, bored expression that they painfully try to mask. Needless to say there are other signs that they might exhibit, but the point is that the second you become aware of any of them, do something and do it fast. It is a cause for alarm.

There are many things you should do and avoid to ensure that you and your date are having a terrific time. Every now and then, you can be trying too hard to make a good impression and it can and will irritate your date. Excessive compliments, too much attention, or being too busy with your appearance can all cause that. Make some jokes that are not rude and inappropriate but more importantly easy to get because the worst jokes are the ones that need explanation. Ask as opposed to tell when you want to offer, suggest, or give something because no one likes to be treated like a child. Be subtle when doing something so as not to offend your date. For example, recommend to enjoy the scenery if you wish to make them talk less or no more. Include your companion in whatever it is you are doing so they can relish the experience of being with you. If you are watching a game or admiring a painting, explain what makes it appealing, exciting, and incredible to you. Give it your best shot to answer their questions about it because they want to be able to share your enthusiasm.

Some people can also talk more about their sports team, friends, or work than they do about themselves or their lives. You could be one of them and perhaps that is what your date is having trouble with because they think that a date is your time to learn more about personal things. Things that are more along the lines of your life's defining moments. Events that altered and shaped your life, memories that you always remember or attempt to forget, or stories you need to but never share. You certainly can talk about your friends, interests, or job. However, do it from your point of view and let it focus on you, not on any of them. Describe how you see them, how it or they affect your life, and memorable experiences relating to them.

Help point your date to the right direction if you think you can both benefit from it. Offer some advice to them about what people usually do on dates. They could be new to the dating world and have no idea what they are supposed to do and how to do it. Tell them you can talk, walk, share, or enjoy something as long as you can do it together. Encourage them to talk about their life and if they appear confused as to where and how to begin, suggest or ask them something. Moreover, having and projecting confidence will be beneficial not only to you but also to your date because they may not have it and you can help them with that. When they are too nervous to speak or do anything, assure them that they have nothing to be afraid of. The fact that you are on a date with them is proof that you want to know them more. You could also recount your worse experience with previous dates to help them relax.

You should also endeavor to make your date feel comfortable with and safe around you. To do that, you are going to have to rely on patience a lot. When they keep giving short answers to your questions, make sure you counter with a smile and not a pout. Reveal things about yourself so they will have to say something that you can use to get them to talk more. Assure them that they can be themselves with you by explaining how you believe it is the single and best way to have a great time. Suggest something that you think you can enjoy together or ask your date if they have something or somewhere different in mind for you to do or to go to, respectively. Maybe they are not the type that likes to sit in an enclosed space and prefers walking out in the open.

On the other hand, try to understand what your date is doing so you can respond appropriately. Maybe they have been struggling to make you fascinated about something or to get you to do something instead of being quiet most of the time, with either one turning out to be an unsuccessful attempt. Give or show them something for their effort to make the date go well and to be a good date for you. Compliment them for their appearance, thank them for their endeavor, apologize for your conduct, and ask for a chance to start over.

Do not let your anxiety hold you back for it will hurt your chance of having a good and another date. People are uneasy when they are afraid that they will say or do something wrong. But the way you are now is doing that very thing. Your only and best solution is to muster enough courage and start talking. Show at least one fine thing about you like a quality that you possess so it is not all for naught. If you want to see them again, you had better give them a reason to consider spending time with you once more. Even if the date was not satisfying for the most part, knowing that you have something to offer can persuade them to give you another chance.

You should also take time to see what kind of person your date is, what you feel about them, and how you like being with them. They could be many things and you must use the time you have to analyze them. They can be confident, arrogant, honest, pretentious, polite, rude, cold, warm, mature, childish, witty, kind, chatty, upbeat, uptight, or many other things. The list goes on. Recognizing their traits is how you decide whether they are what you are looking for or if you want to be with them.

Putting all your cards on the table is not such a bad idea either. If you are uncomfortable with the way your date is progressing or you cannot think of delicate ways to convey what you are feeling, then it is a method you can employ. By doing so you can both be honest to each other and you can figure out ways to have an excellent time together. After all, this is a phase where you assess whether or not you can have a relationship with someone. And one of the things that partners do is work out their differences.

### Conclusion

As the date approaches its end, you have to begin preparing what you are going to say and do about future dates. Will there be one or none? How should you ask or answer? To assist you, use the whole date from the beginning up until this point. What are the things that you like about them? Do you enjoy their company? Do you feel a connection with them or find them attractive? What did they do that you can do without? Answering these questions will enable you to decide on subsequent date and will provide some explanation regarding your decision.

Tell them if you feel like you had a wonderful time with them and you want to see them again. Explain to them what led you to come to that conclusion so they will know that you are serious. And if it so happens that you also enjoyed your time together, then say yes to their idea of going out again. On the other hand, you can just go your separate ways if you do not feel connected, compatible, or comfortable. You should also not be giving false hope for another date if you do not think there will be one. Do not promise that you will contact them when you have decided that they will never hear from you again. They might believe you and wait for an awfully long time for your call. Be truthful instead and explain why you think it is not a good idea, where it went wrong, and what did or did not happen. Perhaps they ignored you most of the time, they talked incessantly about their past relationships, or they were not being themselves.

Ruminate on it and if you concur, see if they are willing to give you another chance. If the damage is not too bad, they might just give you one. Do not hold it against them, though, if they do not think you should go out again. That will not change their mind. If anything, you will just be giving them more reason not to and proving that they made the right call. Either way, you should learn from what they told you and your own review of the date so you can avoid making the same or any mistakes in the future.

Agree to or ask for another date if you think they deserve a chance to prove themselves again. You must be sure that you do not miss out on something and someone good. People tend not to be able to perform superbly on the first date because they are too nervous. However, they may be improving on the next date because they will have had time to think about and learn from what they might have done poorly on the first date. Not to mention that getting a second date can certainly uplift their self-confidence. They could be an entirely different person when you are spending time with them again and your bet will pay off greatly. It does not always work that way, though. Nevertheless, it does not hurt to be completely certain.

### The Talk

You have gone on several dates now. Every one of them was perfect and probably simply got better each time. However, at some point you and your date will or must ask what you are doing and where or if it is going somewhere. This particular discourse needs to take place no matter how uncomfortable it is and how afraid you are of what you will need to do. You have to do this sooner or later because until you do, there is no incentive for them not to see someone else. When they do, there is nothing you can do to stop them because as far as they are concerned, you are merely two people who enjoy spending time together but not a couple. Avoiding or delaying it will not make it go away. If you want to keep seeing each other and you want them only to yourself, then you should call for a talk about commitment, which is the thing that distinguishes dating from relationship.

You may be asking why you cannot just have fun with your date without having to worry about commitment and possibly ruining this great thing you have going on. Well, you can have fun. As a matter of fact, you have had fun. However, if you want them to be with you only, then this is something that you must do. You do not want to find out that they have been seeing someone else behind your back or hear that they want to do so because you did not make it exclusive. You can convince yourself that it is going great with them because there is no commitment and you may be right. Nevertheless, you should also ask yourself what would happen if they met someone else before you did. Bring up the subject yourself and talk it over like adults instead of ignoring its necessity, denying its inevitability, or waiting for your date. The end of the third date is usually the perfect time for this because you will have had adequate information to make your decision. It really is not difficult to talk about this if you both can say what you want out of this being together.

Ask and give each other some time to deliberate on this matter because this is a major life decision. Either answer will change your life significantly. When you have used your time to ponder, allow one another to state the arguments as to why you want or do not want to take it to the next level. Lay down your respective terms so you can be on the same page and more importantly reach an agreement. There is actually only one fundamental detail you have to agree upon, which is not seeing other people while you are in a relationship with each other. Ask your date to fully and solely commit to you and be clear and adamant that you are not willing to compromise. If there is one thing you should never compromise on, it is commitment. If they cannot give you that, they might be hiding something like another relationship or worse a marriage. If your date just got out of a long, serious relationship and is not yet ready to be in one again so soon, settle on a considerable amount of time during which you will wait for them to be ready. _You can be understanding and patient, but you have to be wise too_.

You both should always talk to clear up everything and refrain yourself from making assumptions that the two of you desire the same thing. Things may turn out differently and if they do, you will only have yourself to blame for believing and hoping for something. Whether you want no more than to have a good time or to start something serious, you need to inform your date about it so there will be no misconception. It is also possible that you will have to be the one who asks them what their goals are for the same reason. After knowing the situation, you can decide if you want to continue seeing each other or to part ways.

Do yourself a favor and stop seeing someone who either cannot or will not commit to you because the one who will end up hurting is no one but you. But perhaps you are one of those people who can be satisfied with what you can get. And there is nothing wrong with that. It is just that when they have to leave, it will be even more painful because of the memories that you have made and the bonds you have developed. It is risky continuing a relationship that has an expiration date because when it has to end, you will not be able to let go completely, easily, and quickly. Do not set yourself up to be hurt.

### Moving On

The outcome of your dates does not always go your way. Sometimes they like you but you do not like them. The other times it is the other way around. That is why you should go out with several people although not simultaneously. By spending time with different kind of individuals, you will begin to have a clear picture about the type of person with whom you can find yourself most comfortable. There is nothing wrong with you if you have not found someone that you truly like and like you back. The ones you have had the chance to spend time with are simply too different from you. It is neither their fault nor yours. You all bumped into each other but then you realized you wanted someone else and you were going in different directions. People date a lot because it is highly unlikely that they will meet somebody that is perfect for them in just one date. It could also be that it had to end because someone could not or would not make a commitment to the other. It is a pity, but there is no room for compromise for that fundamental a thing.

_It is essential that you never fail to make a distinction between setbacks and failures_. This is nothing more or less than a hitch. Success remains achievable but only if you recommence the attempts. Before that, however, you ought to look back at your unsuccessful date to see if there is anything you can learn from such as something you did that turn them off, chased them away, or scared them off. Should you think of something, and after determining that their reaction is universal, see to it that you never ever do it again. Another thing you can do is come up with something advantageous you can try the next time you are out on a date. Maybe smile more, talk less, or give them your undivided attention.

##  CHAPTER 4  
Fight or Flight

### Sources of Fear

Many fear commitment because of what it represents. Not everyone enters this gateway to relationship because it warns them of what lies beyond. You can only be with one person from the moment you pledge your commitment to someone and they to you. That same person is the one you can have romantic relationship with. There will be no more flirting with anyone or playing the field. Whenever you see or meet someone attractive, you cannot do something about it. The time for endless possibilities will have to come to an end. There is yet another difficulty in making a commitment. There is some truth to the fact that commitment equals marriage. You do not commit to someone only to leave him or her someday. You do it because you are in it for the long haul. However, just because it entails marriage does not necessarily mean that you _will_ get married no matter what. Committing is merely a necessary step for you to make it work with all your abilities in order to find out if it can get to that.

One other suspect of the causes of your fear of commitment is doubt. You are not sure if you can accept your date's flaws that you have known so far. And even if you have found nothing to complain about them during the time that you have spent together, you still are pessimistic due to the reality that everyone has weaknesses and you may not be able to handle theirs well. You do not want to look back in the future and regret the decision you made today. You are willing to commit but you just have to make sure that you do it with the right person. Some people also ask themselves why they should commit to someone when they are all but certain that they will just stray eventually. They believe they cannot stay faithful to someone and it is only a matter of time before they break someone's heart.

Being in a serious and committed relationship also necessitates that you deal with problems and issues regularly. And there is not a word in that sentence that screams fun. For someone who is used to looking for and enjoying a good time, doing relationship stuff such as fighting, arguing, communicating, or reconciling will be like living against your instincts, or calling even. Your idea of spending a substantial amount of time is to do exciting things together and there should be nothing more to it. Without a commitment, you can just bail whenever things start to turn tough or bad and pursue something, someone new. Contemplating the notion of being in a long-term relationship is enough to make you scared and anxious because you lose count of how many times you can be bored with someone in months and years.

Another terrifying thought you might have is not having the freedom to do as you please whenever you want with whomever you want. You can stay up late, have friends over, or visit any place when you are single. Things will not be the same when you have a partner. You have to set aside time to go out with them, you cannot be too close with a charming friend, and you have to answer their questions.

You should be afraid of commitment. It means you understand its magnitude, implications, and requirements. It is not something that should be effortless to absorb, decide on, and live with. The true test of commitment is not in the beginning or when things are going great. It is about sticking to your choice when and especially if you do not want to, you cannot, or you are not sure.

### Risks and Rewards

Committing to someone poses various risks for you. The first one is you may not like what you learn about your new partner. It could be that they can get easily and overly jealous, they try to change you, or they live for their job. These things are usually very hard to detect beforehand. It is often too late for you to get out without reneging on your promise. You can only do the right thing, which is solving these issues with your partner. You might also discover that you are neither ready nor cut out for it. Fighting constantly with your partner and seeing everyone else gallivanting can lead you into thinking that you might have taken the wrong path. Another instance is that you could meet someone more suitable when you are already tied to a partner. Someone who is totally different from your partner and that you never knew existed. What you need to remember, though, is that _you will have problems with anyone you are involved with romantically_. The partners may be different, but you will always remain the same. They could be perfect in every aspect and on every level and it still would not be enough if you were too difficult.

The other option is not without its own risks. There could be someone better out there that may just come to your life any day. Yet if you let go of this one to look or wait for them and it turns out you are wrong, you may not have a second chance with your current suitor. Exclusivity works in your favor when that obligates your partner not to go out with someone else but it is hard when that very responsibility reminds you that you cannot touch someone else. But maybe you feel like you cannot risk having them taken by someone else because you cannot commit to them. Some people make the mistake of committing for this reason. A mistake because their sole motive is to make sure that they can own their partner without giving a careful thought as to whether or not they are prepared to deal with the consequences. As a result, most relationships that began this way ended in separation.

The reward that you get is someone that is committed to you; somebody you can depend on, a person who agrees to ignore other people and to be loyal to you, someone who will always be on your side and keep you company, and an individual who will endeavor to find it in them to accept your flaws. What they ask in return is that you do the same. That is it.

### Challenges and Temptations

Commitment is not just about being exclusive. It is also about striving to make it work with your partner. Relationships are full with issues and altercations. The longer you are with your partner, the harder it is you will find to be with them. Things like time, effort, sacrifice will be demanded from you on a regular basis. Over time, you will question your own pledge and it might soon turn into doubt and regret. However, since you have made a commitment to them, you cannot just quit when you feel it is too much or start thinking of excuses to end things once you feel bored. That is why you made that promise, so that you would not give up in these trying times. No word of yours is necessary if things run smoothly all the time. Alas, that has never been nor will ever be the case.

As for temptations, you cannot wish for them to be gone because their true and sole purpose is to make you stronger by testing you. What would help with controlling urges is to think not just about yourself but also your partner, your relationship, and the ramifications of your actions. If you do not want to lose them, if they mean a great deal to you, if you worked so hard and so long just to get a date with them, if they want to be with you and only you, if you cherish your time together, then you are more than aware of what you should do. _It will take one time and one person at most to jeopardize your entire relationship_. Imagine yourself begging them to forgive you for cheating. You would probably remind them of the times you have had together or the promise of a happy future. But then they would reply that you should have thought of that yourself when you decided to throw away your relationship. Well, now you can think about it and let it guide, remind, and strengthen you to always make the right choices.

### Settling Down

It is more than obvious that the first thing you have to ask yourself is whether you want to settle down. You need to think about and settle upon the kind of life that you want to lead and have. Is it the sort that has the freedom of running around or the type with stability of a serious relationship? Do you prefer a secure or uncertain future? Which one do you like more between being tied down and being alone? In addition, you had better be certain that you are not choosing to do something based on what others are doing. What they can and want to do is different from that of yours.

One good way to help you determine your choice is to imagine the life you would have from taking either road. Suppose you pick the path of commitment. You would have a boyfriend or a girlfriend whom you could spend time with and do things together. You could get to know, support, and make each other happy. You could share tears, laughter, and everything else you want. The catch is, you could no longer make all decisions on your own since those would affect their life too. You could not do what you desire whenever you feel like it with whomever you wish anymore. You would have to make a lot of disagreeable adjustments as part of being with somebody. You would also have responsibilities, duties, and obligations like you would not believe to your partner and possibly children.

Should you elect to remain free-spirited, you could date anyone for as long as you want without ever getting serious. You could always break it off and move on to someone new when you become uncomfortable. You need not listen to anybody on how to live your life or make any unwanted changes. However, you will not have someone beside you when you are in need and there will be moments when you want to have a family who loves and takes care of you. When you are alone and lonely, you will long for companionship. But when you have people in your life, you will want freedom, time, and space. Either path has its benefits and challenges. Make up your mind, choose what you want more, and live with it. Stop whining like children who wish to have everything they want and for everything to be easy. Be an adult and face life.

Now that you have some idea as to what both situations are like, you have the chance to try to convince yourself about your decision. Do it from this point so you can decide what it is you want. Will you always be able to be strong when you are alone? Are you sure you can go through life without a spouse and kids? Can you stand having no one with whom you can enjoy the holidays, go to places, and have pictures taken? Do you know that every so often you can feel lonely even when you are not alone but it does not even compare to being lonely and alone at the same time? That is what is in store for life of gallivanting around. The alternative requires you to check first with your partner every time you wish to do something significant. You make decisions together and you cannot always get your way. You have to make room for them in your life and you have to put up with their displeasing features. Think everything over so you can be certain. At this stage, you still have all the time in the world to consider so make use of it as best as you can.

One might argue that it is very much possible to sow your wild oats first before settling down and one would be right. That, as a result, raises the next question: can you settle down? Knowing that it will end someday might persuade you to get everything out of your system. Yet what it will accomplish is making it tougher for you to let it go later. You can be having so much good time that you do not see why you have to leave it behind. You might keep avoiding settling down because you believe it will be the end of everything. Everyone, including you, is entitled to have his or her own fair share of enjoyment, excitement, and adventure. You should use the time you have to live your life since you can never have that youth back. Nevertheless, you just have to know when to stop and move on to something else. The fun has to end sometime.

Most of the time people are just unwilling to face the truth and admit that it does have to end or that the time has come. It is better if you get out of the game on your own terms than to have to take forced retirement. You should withdraw while there is still a good chance of getting a great catch. If you wait until the last moment, it is going to be slim pickings for you out there. People who settle down do so when they realize they cannot live without stability and structure their whole lives. They recognize that it is the first step to build a strong and lasting relationship with someone they care about and to have all the things that are truly important in life such as family, children, and company.

People tend to interpret having fun as having fun only and not as the time to prepare for being ready. _But you cannot be ready without getting ready_. There is no such thing as waiting to be ready because without preparing for it, either you never will be or you simply must be. Establish a mark that indicates when you have to start getting serious with your life. It could be age, career, or savings. When you are approaching that level, begin slowing down your thrill-chasings so you can think about what to do next. You can start seeking for someone with whom you can have a long-term relationship. Another thing you can do is ruminate the future. You should know that your life will undergo some minor and major changes such as how you will be spending your time, how your priorities will shift, the possibility of moving to a new place, and many others. Life will not stay the same. It never does.

### The Candidates

Committing to someone might never feel easy for you because there is always something that gets you thinking, doubting, and wondering. You are asking yourself if this one can be better than the last one that disappointed you. You were so sure last time and it eventually came back to bit you. You keep noticing, searching for, and finding their weaknesses and flaws. It is right in front of you and they make no attempt to hide it. You are tired of it, yet you cannot just ignore it. And you worsen it by asking yourself what else about them that you will have the displeasure of discovering. You keep struggling with the uncertainty that perhaps your current date is not the right person and the possibility that there is someone better than they are and you just have not met them yet. You try to keep your options open so you can still play the field and wait for the best one while being free from any obligation.

Or you might be pining for someone who is no longer available or has no intention whatsoever of being with you. You force yourself to believe that there might be an opportunity someday and you just have to wait for it. You want to be there when they come to you. Another possible cause of this is that you could be quickly and easily bored with all the people you have gone out with including this one. You can never be sure if you can see yourself spending a long period of time with this person.

If you insist on waiting for the most perfect one before you want to commit, you are going to be alone for good. _Be realistic and tell yourself that everyone will always have something that you do not like and that you are not so perfect, either_. In addition, someone will not wait forever for you to overcome your fear and doubt. They do have their own future to worry about; one that does not need you if you do not wish to be in it and one in which you can very easily and swiftly lose a place. You should commit to someone you can see a bright future with. That means someone you can trust, who cares about you, and wants to be with you. That should be enough. You should also contemplate settling for the next best thing. They may not be whom you have in mind, but they must possess their own strengths. What would help is to try not to see them as who they are not, i.e., your ideal partner. They are different but that does not have to be a bad thing. Lastly, the right person will make the fear go away or more manageable, at least, when you are spending time with them. Your doubt may still emerge when you are alone, but around them you will feel calmer, safer, and happier.

# PART THREE: RELATIONSHIP
## CHAPTER 5  
A Two-Way Street

### Momentary Bliss

There is nothing like the beginning of a romantic relationship. You cannot seem to get enough of your new partner. You want to see them every day, you cannot stop thinking about them, and you enjoy doing things with them. You can talk with each other for hours, you make one another laugh, and you become sad when you have to separate to go home. When you are together, you feel like there is no one but the two of you in this world in that moment and it is just enough. You forget about everyone and everything else. The rest of the world does not matter when you are with each other. You do not worry about the past, the future, and all the problems in your life. Everything is right. Nothing can be wrong. You just want to know how you can savor that very moment. You like nothing more than to be like this forever.

Everyone wants to stay in the beginning forever or for as long as they can. However, it would be foolish to think that that feeling is going to last long or for good. Reality will soon set in and you will have to cope with many unpleasant things again. Issues, disagreements, fights will begin coming in your way. Each one will be more difficult than the one before. They will come between you and they will put your relationship to a plethora of tests. The purpose of these tribulations as well as the key to the survival of your relationship is your strength as one. Knowing that you could be happy and that you were happy once is your hope and motivation to give and try more.

### Evolution

Your relationship with your partner does not stay the same way for all time. It changes. It grows. It can develop if you want it to. You can be so much more than just a partner. You can be a friend, a family, a lover, and a soul mate to your partner. You cannot immediately be all of them at once, though. You need to move from one level to the next and when you have reached the last of them, then you will have played all those roles. Your journey begins from being strangers to friends to partners to lovers to family and at last, to soul mates. To advance you must do the things that symbolize the following function. Needless to say the doing part does not require action from you alone but from your partner too.

In a friend, you have someone to do things with and to talk to. You need not be or feel alone anymore. There is someone beside you to spend time together. Friends also have to get to know each other more. What you have knowledge of up until this point is a drop in the bucket compared to what you can still unearth. You could be with someone for years and you would still be surprised of how much you do not know about him or her. And you should learn more about your partner so you will not get bored of them so swiftly. Find out what size of shoes they are, how many pairs of socks they own, what their favorite color and flavor is, what age they started walking, and who or what is important to them.

Discover the exact time of their watch, if and where they have a birthmark, what words they use often, what moves or sounds they make subconsciously, where and when they bought one of their books, what nickname they had or have, what pet they had and its name, or the stuff they did not eat when they were little. People like being interested in. It means they get attention and they matter to someone. It also proves that you care about them, you want to know them more, you like getting to know them, you are taking an interest in their life, and they are important to you. Curiosity can begin, foster, and deepen a friendship.

There are several avenues to learn about someone. The easiest and most obvious way is to ask them, but be careful not to make them annoyed by constant and countless questions. To avoid that, you can switch to observing. There is a clear distinction between seeing and observing. The facts are there before your eyes, hiding in plain sight. If you pay attention, focus, and look for them, you will be able to detect those little details. For the things that you have no way of knowing by merely watching, you have to do some research. Talk to their family and other friends to have more knowledge of their past, personality, routine, characteristics, preference, outlook, and so forth. And just to make things more interesting, you can trade some facts about them for some of your own. You can have conversations for hours every chance you have if you can exchange stories behind each other's personal information because one anecdote can lead to another. You may realize that you have many things in common. You can finally share your past, thoughts, dreams, secrets, fears, and feelings. You can be a part of each other's life to a certain extent. It can add another dimension to your understanding of them. And it will alter the way you see them, either for the better or for the worse.

You let a friend in on your troubles because you need their physical and emotional support and there is no doubt that they will help. At times they can give the answers you need, the other times they may not be able to solve the problem itself. But since they get you, they can aid you in other ways. They can help you think, motivate you, or calm you. Knowing that you are not alone in whatever it is you are facing can lift the burden if only for just a tiny bit and a little while. As a friend to someone, be happy for them and be sad with them. Congratulate them on their promotion and wish them happy birthday. Offer them your company and lend your ears to listen to their adversities.

A friend makes no assumptions, jumps into no conclusions, and passes no judgments. _A friend asks, believes, understands, supports, and accepts_. They give their friend the time and chance to explain and to decide to tell the truth. They do not run when they hear it, even if it is ugly and especially if it is difficult to swallow. The last thing someone needs from their friend is being judged or abandoned. That is not part of your job description. They realize that others would but they can deal with that because those people are not allies. However, they do expect more from you. If the rest of the world is against them, they need to know they can turn to you. You are either with them or against them. It is as simple as that.

What differs being a partner from being a friend is that in partnership the parties involved share and fit each other into their lives. Therefore, they adjust their lives and make major life decisions together. You need to inform your partner when you have to decide something like switching jobs so they can weigh in or at least be aware of it. Partners give and hear counsel. Furthermore, partners have the same duties to one another and to the relationship. They have to stay faithful to and look out for their partner and they must attempt to do what it takes to save their relationship. You and your friend also become partner when you share the same problems. You deal with and solve them hand in hand.

Partners need to trust each other because otherwise they cannot be a team. Learn to ask for help and rely on your partner because you need not do everything on your own. Not anymore. They are available, they want to help, and they can help if you let them and show them how. By sharing the workload, you can get faster and possibly better results. You get a partner because they can make your life much easier. Moreover, partners assist one another in making decisions for occasionally the state of mind of someone hinders them from making the smartest of choices.

As for lovers, they induce and experience romantic situations. They acknowledge sexual attractions. They fill silence and emptiness with passion, give a come-hither look, and show suggestive smiles. They engage in physical contact. They get close physically in addition to emotional intimacy. They express their feelings through handholdings, hugs, kisses, caresses, and copulations.

A sign that you see your partner as a family is you put their needs ahead of yours or at least give those wants sufficient attention. You sacrifice your own interest sometimes if it means the fulfillment of their needs. You regard their happiness and well-being as equally or more important than yours and part or even the source of your own. Moreover, to be the family of your partner, you have to always be there for them, through thick and thin, in good and bad times. You do not leave them ever. You take care of them, protect them, provide for them, and put up with them for the rest of your life. So, proceed to this stage when and only when you have chosen to be with them forever.

The last one is a little complicated. It is a general belief that you search for your soul mate. Nevertheless, it borders on impossible to find someone who is compatible with you in roughly every aspect. Some people are lucky enough to meet their soul mate and build a relationship from there. But not all of them end up together because there are no two people who are exactly alike in this world. Well, you have found someone and you can be soul mates. You are dissimilar because your whole lives were lived differently and separately. That you cannot change. However, at present you have one life together. You do and experience many similar things because you are a couple. As you know each other better, you will discover more of the things that you have in common and they will help you develop stronger connection and grow closer, make it easier to share more of each other's opinions and dispositions, and convince you that you are perfect for one another. Those who long for a soul mate are actually in love with themselves. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

### Change

When you have someone else in your life, you will have to deal with the fact that your life cannot remain the same. Most relationships fail because people cling to their old ways, refuse to adopt necessary approaches, and decline to adapt to unfamiliar conditions. The whole point of being in a relationship is so that your life can change. For that to happen, you have to be willing to. You do not like changes because you love the way things are now. But changes will not be changes forever. If you learn to adjust to them, they will become part of your new self and life. _Changes are difficult for self but beneficial for relationship_. They may be uncomfortable, unpleasant, and unnecessary when you are alone, but they are going to make having a relationship much less complicated.

Partners are supposed to transform the life of one another not merely with their presence, but also with their actions and intentions. They do want what is best for you. Therefore, give your partner a chance to try to change you. Improve you, for a better term. Some people do this because they are not willing to accept things about their partner. In their own way, they want to make their partner a better person. It is to be expected but it unfortunately causes problems for no one fancies turning into someone they do not wish to be. To prevent that from developing, talk about it as soon as possible. Tell your partner that you expect them to make some improvements in your life. Some you can understand and accept, but there are going to be things that you and they need to discuss and you possibly refuse. In addition, remind them that you too will do the same to them.

To make the correct changes and to ensure that they can actually be beneficial, one has to see first what one needs to change. One basic fact that can help and you must already know is that everyone is different, including you and your partner. You may have agreed to build a relationship together, but that does not mean that you somehow changed your identities. And when there are differences, there are discords. To avert disagreements, find out things about you that are likely to cause them and do something about it. You might be bossy, rude, selfish, short-tempered, or judgmental. Try to admit that it cannot be good for a relationship and learn to control it.

The next thing you need to take care of is how you handle and settle disputes. You cannot always win and get your way in relationships; you win some, you lose some. Be willing to negotiate and compromise so you can meet each other halfway. Present your argument in a nicely manner if you want the outcome to be good. Listen to your partner and consider their needs and feelings. Every fight means you need to change and tells you what to modify. Consequently, one supremely advantageous quality that anyone must acquire to help them sustain a relationship is the capability to change. And faking is not the same as changing, mind you, so do not confuse one with the other.

Start with adjusting to the relationship in general. It is obvious that being a boyfriend or a girlfriend is different from being single. In relationships, occasionally you do things or go to places that your partner prefers and the other times you do your things. You have to open up about yourself and explain to them the reasons you do things. It is a requirement that you set aside some time to spend with your lover. After that, you can get accustomed to your partner in particular. See how their attributes, foibles, peculiarities, and philosophies differ from those of yours and others'. Some may be harder to understand and live with than others. For instance, they may have a tendency of being late, like to always be right, walk too slow or eat too fast or laugh too loud, insist on avoiding the crowd, and so on. It might be no problem at first but it can get irritating really fast. Bring it to their attention so you can make changes and concessions and remain blissfully and peacefully together.

Nevertheless, changing yourself is not all of it. Seeing how you and your partner have altered and are changing each other's life is another part of the process. Notice both positive and negative differences that have occurred as a result of your relationship. This is how you determine if the relationship has produced the aimed outcome and what course of action you need to take if you plan on staying together. Let us take it one by one, starting with how your partner has transformed your life. The first and foremost indicator is undoubtedly your happiness. Either you are happy or unhappy with them, there must be reasons for it. Telling lies to keep them from criticizing you shows that you are not happy and so does making you choose between them and something or someone else. On the other hand, you might now be a happier person because they can make you laugh and they have helped you overcome your fear, doubt, or worry. Or you are glad you are with them because they have shown that they truly care about you by putting up with all your crap.

They may not just change your life; they also enrich and empower it. They made you try new things and you turned out to like it. Perhaps ice cream flavor, style of literature, or a hobby. You might have watched them do something and you got interested, they asked you, they cajoled you, or they dared you. The point is, you never would have tried those things had you not been with them. You feel like you are a lot better person now because they are a positive influence on you. They remind you that everyone has feelings so you treat them more nicely. They explain why there are rules in public places and in life so you begin to follow them. They find and tell you the good things that you have so you no longer loathe yourself. They also complete you by bringing the things and qualities that you need. Their confidence relieves your doubt, their courage calms your fear, and their wisdom ends your folly.

The other part of the process is seeing how you have altered their life. Think of the things that are different about them now and when you first met them. They might seem more cheerful, more open towards you about their life, or have abandoned some of their unbecoming and regrettable traits. If what comes to mind are good things, then that must mean that you have been an amazing partner. However, if they appear not to enjoy their life and time with you, then it should prompt you to reevaluate your ways and possibly improve your behavior. You may not have done enough for them, being with you force them to deal with all kinds of unpleasant things, or you are just not right for each other.

Being a good partner is not particularly similar for everybody. Different couples will require distinct changes and produce dissimilar effects. While all relationships welcome endearing qualities such as patience, trust, kindness, honesty, or consideration, you have to remember that those all are who you are. Whoever your partner was, you would still be that way. But since you are with this particular one, then your relationship will have its own characteristics. The way they affect your life must be different from that of other people. If you have been with more than one person, then you must be able to realize this. That is merely one end of the process, though. The more important one is about what you could do for them. There must be something, or some things, that your partner needs from and looks for in you above all. Maybe it is safety, tolerance, candor, or sincerity. It could be anything. What you ought to do is look at the other relationships that they do or did have. They have family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers. See what they do not get from those people because that is where you can come in. Be their partner, not just have them as yours.

### The One

Determining whether someone is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with is a complicated matter. There are numerous things to ponder, questions to answer, and issues to discuss. Do you get along well with their kin, friends, and colleagues? They are going to be a part of your life if you should decide to tie the knot with your partner. Have they been and will they be able to fulfill your needs? This is perhaps the most important thing that you need to be sure of because this is your primary, if not sole, motivation to continue this relationship. Can you tolerate their bad habits, regrettable behaviors, and disagreeable traits? It is only going to be harder over time to put up with those things and there may still be others. Are they the one you have been looking for? You must have a list of criteria for your perfect candidate. Check to see if they meet most or all of them. You may want someone who gets you, who is sweet and loving, whom can be trusted, who can be surprising and spontaneous, who shares your views, interests, and passion, and so forth.

What do they offer, bring, or provide that you want in a spouse? They may not be perfect, but as long as they have something fundamental for a successful marriage, you should think thrice and more before breaking it off. It could be fidelity, responsibility, strength, warmth, or maturity. Do you see yourself having a future with them? This is the person with whom you are going to share life, grow old, and raise children. They are also the one you will rely upon to care for you when you are sick. Have you the same goals for your lives? It is best if both of you exactly, fully, and clearly understand what your partner plans to do, have, or be so you can decide if you can be together after all.

Can you say for sure that you want your partner to be your significant other and that you do not use and see them as a temporary fix? _Most people date or have a relationship because they do not want and like being alone as well as being unable to stand it, not because they want to spend the rest of their lives with their partners_. Are you ready to take the plunge and to be someone's spouse? There will be no going back once you make _that_ promise. There is only ending it or enduring it. It is not possible to know what will happen but you can foretell and anticipate that hard times will surely come. Contemplate this whole thing carefully, patiently, deeply so you can make the best decision and not regret it.

If your initial assessment shows that they do not meet your standards, get that across to them so you can have a dialogue about the future of your relationship. Explain to them the things you have been evaluating and bring to their attention what it is you desire, have difficulties with, or have reservations about. Listen to what they think about what you just communicated to them and what they want to do next. If they ask you what you want, tell them whether you wish to find a solution or to part company immediately. If you want to work it out with them, then exchange ideas with them about what to do, change, and improve.

It is going to sting when you hear that your partner has a problem with continuing the relationship especially if you did not see it coming or you have tried your best to be a great partner. You may already have emotional investment in it and you see them as someone you wish to and will wed someday. If the changes are doable and reasonable, then ask them to give you another chance. But sometimes the chasm between what they seek and what you can give is simply too massive and the fate of your relations is all but sealed.

### The Others

You are not the only person in one another's life. There are other people that both you and your partner depend on, care about, and love. And since you are now sharing things, these people become part of your life. Therefore, you cannot forever postpone the meeting of your partner and your family and friends. Take turns to bring them together so they can meet and get to know each other. Shake their hand, smile at them, and engage in conversation. Be aware that their initial and general attitude towards you will hinge on whether or not they approve of the influence you have had in their loved one's life. On the other hand, introduce them, tell them general information about each other, and let them carry on.

Help them understand what your partner, i.e. their friend or family, sees in you. If you are certain that you are good enough for your partner, then you just have to let them see for themselves. You should do the same by making an effort to learn more about them. Tell them, either by your actions or words, preferably both, that you want all of you to get to know each other better and hopefully can see each other as friends and family. Ask them if they are willing to give it a chance, if only for the sake of your partner. Show that you can integrate yourself into their family and friendship by being a family and a friend to them, respectively.

Both friends and family will not hesitate to do whatever they think necessary to protect someone they are fond of, namely your partner, and making sure you are a decent person is part of that. They will be very protective of your partner so you should expect nothing other than an unfriendly, suspicious, cold treatment from them. Do not be surprised or shocked if they are doing a background check on you, interrogating you, or giving you warning. It came from their love for your partner and not from their hatred towards you. You have to realize that to them you are a stranger and it will take them some time to test, assess, and eventually trust you. Provided they find you trustworthy, of course. You would have done and should do the same if you were in their shoes. And sometimes people test you to see how strong you are because they would hate it if they had to be related or deal with a weakling.

What they truly wish is seeing how you can make their loved one feel safe, cherished, and happy. They also want to know if you have integrity, principle, and respect, among other things. They are just looking out for your partner and hoping for the best for them. Be sure to explain that you are serious about the relationship. Let them hear about how much you have learned about your partner and the things that you have done with them. Ask them facts about your partner, anything you can think of or the ones you have wanted to know, to show that you value their thoughts, advice, and stories. Show and prove that you care about your partner deeply and you have nothing but the best of intentions for them. Parents, in particular, need to be coaxed and assured that you can be their substitute in the future. They need you to be great at taking care of and providing for their child or even be better than them. Remember too that most parents are not exactly thrilled to share their child with someone let alone lose to so it is essential that you never let them feel that way.

Some people endeavor too much and too hard to be liked that it seems fake and gets annoying. Never attempt to buy their approval by bringing gifts because it will convey the wrong message, which is that you can buy them. It is good to give some compliments every now and then but keep it to a minimum so it will not turn into flattery because then they will see you as a sycophant. Do it politely when you offer something and if you have to insist, do not do it more than once. Others, however, have little to no idea how to act around parents and are too afraid that they are going to make mistakes and give the wrong impression. Instead of talking casually, they can only nod, smile lightly, and give short answers when being a part of the conversation. Being too confident or being too shy is not good either way.

Occasionally you can get on the wrong foot with the friends and the family. That is okay. It happens. However, you have to act fast to remedy that situation so the damage will not become irreparable or to prevent it altogether. For example, these people can sense it if you are keeping your distance and they might just assume that you do not like them or you think lowly of them. Your true reason could be shyness, anxiety, or fear but if you do not make that clear then the assumptions will turn into belief. Explain your behavior towards them so they can understand and help you. You should not immediately decide to give up when you feel unwelcomed by them or worse force your partner to choose. Do not just complain to your partner when you do or did not feel comfortable around their folks. Try again and try harder to know and melt them. Tell your partner that you want and need to spend time alone with their people without their presence. Explain why you think it is necessary, which is so you all can talk openly and say what you want to say without having to worry about your partner interrupting, protecting, or moderating.

You should try to understand and appreciate your friends and parents' motives when they appear to be unusually cold and suspicious towards your partner. Do not get angry and protective all of a sudden, because after all it is their responsibility. Listen to what they have to say about your partner and tell them more about him or her so they can have a better understanding and less doubt. And to avoid any misunderstanding, before meeting your friends or family, let your partner know that they can ask you to help them if the pressure is too much. This way, they can try handling things alone for as much and long as they can without you taking care of them. They must not want to appear weak, soft, and small in front of you and those people. Moreover, if they feel not good enough, not welcomed, or rejected by the others, ask them what made them come to that conclusion. Help them understand why your parents or friends acted that way and assure them that the others do not hate them.

##  CHAPTER 6  
Silence is Golden

### Doing It

It needs no extraordinary abilities, beautiful faces, nor perfect body to form a physical connection. It begins with handholding to connect the two of you physically, then it moves to hugs so you can share emotions, then it advances to kiss to help you show and feel affection that you have for one another, and it ends with sex that lets you enjoy each other's body and reach pleasure together.

It happens, unfortunately and unsurprisingly, that people tend to become fixated on something that provides fulfillment. Having physical contact is no exception. When you overdo it, it ceases to be meaningful. If anything, it gets boring and annoying. If you have to hold hands everywhere all day long while on a date, soon you will feel tied and tired. When you kiss your partner every half an hour for no apparent or important reason, it will only spark an argument. You can even get tired of sex if you spend days and nights doing it. It may not be in the near future, but eventually you will not be much eager to do it anymore. You need to ask yourself or your partner if it has gotten too much. If it has, then dial it down a bit.

These touches can be fulfilling and significant if they are done in the right manner and for significant purposes. You often see how people make physical contact with others spontaneously and so passionately. That is because their body, heart, and soul are telling them that they need and want it. They have gone long without physically feeling the presence of someone and they ache for it. The bone-breaking hugs and the never-ending kisses would not be so fervent if the ones involved saw each other every day and every hour. You need to choose the right and perfect instants. Do it tenderly. Do it slowly. Make it feel like it is both the first and the last time ever for you to do it. Every second is important because you do not want to waste a single second. Engrave each stroke and each motion in your mind. Revel in that moment.

### Words Substitute

The world is loud; so loud that you or your partner talking will make the noise even more unbearable. Anyone can barely hear their own thoughts when they have to listen to the sound around them, let alone recognize and understand what they are feeling. When you are engaging in physical contact, however, there is no need for words. If anything, speaking will simply ruin the moment. That is the beauty of it. You both can use your whole body rather than just your mouth to communicate and express what you are feeling. You can hold and squeeze their hand to tell them that you do not want to be alone and you want them close to you. Look deep into their eyes to let them know that you are only thinking of them right here, right now. When they kiss you on the forehead, they are saying that they want you to feel safe and loved. Not having to speak or listen can help you feel and only feel, whether it is your own emotions or your partner's. Close your eyes as well so you can fully concentrate upon feeling or conveying your emotions to your partner. The noise will soon dwindle if you are both quiet and focus only on each other.

If either one or both of you are not good with words, then you can employ physical contact as a means to reveal your feelings. Words can oftentimes be worthless and untrue and after all, actions speak louder than words. It does not always have to be holding hands, cuddling, kissing, or mating. You can start doing small, simple, yet affectionate gestures such as fixing their hair or wiping their mouth. They can do it themselves if you tell them to, but what makes a huge difference is the fact that you do not. Instead, you can choose to do it yourself. Words are too easy to say. Plus, there is so much more that you can say in and with silence than with words. If you can show them what you are feeling with loving and meaningful touches, there will be little to no room for doubt. And guessing what your partner might do next can be exciting. However, you should curb your expectations because they will not always do it. The key to this is its unpredictability. If you can anticipate it, then it becomes meaningless. But coming up with your own move is not necessarily less exhilarating and it is selfish when it is you on the receiving end all the time. It is not false that you can prove your tenderness without these contacts and touches, but it is a nice feeling giving and receiving them.

### Causes and Effects

There will come a time in your relationship when you suddenly realize that you have hardly had physical contact with your partner. You will not remember when or how it started but you need to know if you want to rectify it. It might have been due to your loss of interest in your partner or the other way around. You had been together with them for some time and you began to see the sides of them that you were not particularly fond of. Their yelling, their condescending attitude, their nose picking, or their farting could make you feel less than glad and willing to be near them, much less touch them. Yet another suspect is a surfeit of physical intimacy. You had had too much of it and decided that you had to stop doing it for a while. You told your partner that temporarily, you both needed to stay away physically so that you could relish it again later. But maybe you and they were not ready at the same time and when they tried to hold your hand, for instance, you refused it. You said that it was not the time yet but after the refusal and the waiting, they just were not so keen to it anymore.

Couples grow apart when they cannot even touch each other. You are going to feel like there is this distance between the two of you because every time you get close, neither of you seem to be able to initiate contact. There is only an awkward moment and you just have to get away from each other. You can talk almost as if nothing is wrong but you cannot or will not address the issue about your physical closeness or lack thereof. When you push yourself to hold their hand or kiss them, you do not enjoy it. It feels strange, passionless, and even wrong. You sense it, as do they. You cannot tell what caused it but you know that it is real. One possible explanation for that is because there is still some unresolved issue or feeling. There could be something you wanted to say but did not during your recent argument. They might not be entirely pleased with the solution that you came up with for your disagreement. Or they have a problem with someone else that upset them and remains unsettled. Talk about it so you can clear the air and attempt to recapture your intimacy.

Caressing someone, namely your partner, can remind, alter, and strengthen your feelings toward them. You must feel unsure about your feelings for your partner sometime or if you were certain, the feeling would be one of contempt. However, if you can just sit next to them and feel your skin grazes against theirs, it might be just what it takes to reignite your waning affection for them. Do that for several times before you start doing something else. You should not rush it. You take it slow because you want to be sure of what you are feeling and that you are comfortable with it. From there you can move on to touches. You can put your arm around their shoulder and hold their hand. Wait for special occasions like birthdays or anniversaries to kiss them but not directly on the lips with tongue. Just a peck on the cheek will suffice. Keep doing those things to ensure that you stay close and you are not losing each other physically and emotionally. Having these little contacts every now and then will help you remember that you have an intimate connection with someone.

### Sexual Matters

_Actions & Consequences_. For women, engaging in pre-marital sex is always risky because if they get pregnant, the guy may not want to have anything to do with it and refuse to do the right thing. Men will say and do anything to women to get in their pants but when accidents happen, they are nowhere to be found. Men are like businesses that way. They promise all those good things to get people to be their clients, but when it is time to provide customer service they cannot be relied upon. They pretend that their buyers no longer exist and forget that they matter because they have no more use of them. They move on to other potential target because those are the ones that can give them their money and that can still be fooled. Some guys might stick around but only to tell you to have an abortion because they cannot marry you and raise a child. They might be just a student, recently started working, or still want to enjoy single life.

There is a very good chance that your parents might turn their back on you when you come asking for help and forgiveness. They might have taught and warned you so you could know better but you disobeyed them. Most likely, they will force you to abort the pregnancy because they will not have an illegitimate child in their family. Your friends can become unavailable all of a sudden because they do not want to be associated with you. People will also look, point, whisper, and judge you more because they think you were easy. Things may not get that worse, but if you do get pregnant, you will have to make a choice between abortion and having the child.

Getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant before marriage could also make your parents disown you as a child. They see that it is the only way they can distance themselves from something so shameful. Having a child out of wedlock will bring disgrace to your whole family because people will be talking about it for years to come and they will see anyone in your family as a relative of someone who got into trouble. This could also cause your parents to blame each other for your mistake or be angry with their spouse for renouncing you. You will see how your little fun can break your family apart. All because you could not bother to think about the repercussions, hold your libido, or exercise carefulness. This should tell you that your actions do not only affect your own life. They also have an impact on other people's and in this case, they ruin those lives; the lives of people that you love and care about you, no less.

You think about putting the baby up for adoption but you do not want to throw away your education or career by carrying the baby to term. But even if it is possible for you to leave school or work for at least half a year without jeopardizing too much, you have to expect that people are going to gossip. And it will not be easy giving up your child after they are born because you may have come to love them. Keeping the baby is also an option but you should not do it for yourself. Think about the future of the baby. If you cannot be sure that you can be a fit mother and guarantee them a nice future, then it is in their best interest that you find a family that will love and take good care of them. Abortion can make all of this disappear, but you do not want to be a killer. Before you decide to terminate your pregnancy, you have to be sure you can live with the emotional and psychological ramifications for the rest of your life. You may remember it every time you see or hear a baby, your conscience might keep telling you that you are a murderer, or you might wonder if you did the right thing when you cannot have children later.

Moreover, if you are the guy, the girl's father and or brother might look for you and come to your home, workplace, or school. They will not come empty-handed, rest assured. What they might bring varies from knives, daggers, or baseball bats. Along with or as opposed to that, they could also be packing heat. If they see that you are good enough to be their in-laws, they will probably just threaten to kill you if you do not wed their daughter or sister. Otherwise, they will just beat or scare the living hell out of you to punish you for knocking up their relative and to teach you a lesson. There is close to no explanation you could offer them that can change their mind. You can run and hide, but you cannot do it forever. You have to go home sometime and they will be waiting for you. They will not stop until they got what they came for.

Being in a forced marriage will make you feel like you are stuck with your spouse. You did not know much about each other, you did not love one another, and you did not choose to spend the rest of your life with them. Yet you are very much married now and have a baby on the way. Your future appears bleak as you must raise a baby that you did not want in the first place. You can no longer pursue your dream or enjoy your freedom since you have to care for them and look for a job to provide for them. Everything happens so fast and you did not have nor make time to prepare yourself. You are still in denial over all of this and wishing that you could go back and change everything. You have no more than nine months to adjust to your new situation, master how to be a spouse, learn how to build a family, and familiarize yourself with how to look after a kid. Becoming a parent too early and one without preparation, readiness, and abilities, can only harm the future of the child. Nevertheless, you do have a chance to make it work. Every marriage does, even the ones that were entered to save faces. In your child, you have a deeply strong motivation to keep trying to figure things out together. _You may not have had the best start, but it is how you turn that around that matters_.

Whichever choice you make, the child always gets the short end of the stick. Your mistake and foolishness should not cause your child to suffer but they will. If you get an abortion, they do not live to see the world. If you do not get married, they have to carry the burden and shame of being a bastard their whole life. If you get married, they have to watch you fighting constantly and most likely get divorced. Sadly, that is probably the best deal they can get since most kids go through not too dissimilar an experience. Should you put them up for adoption, they might discover their past and find a tough time dealing with it. If you keep them, they will have to grow up with a single parent that is still learning how to stop being a child and to raise one. There is always a risk of pregnancy every time you have sex so it will benefit you and many others if you do not follow your desire impulsively but with caution. _Pregnancy should not be a harbinger of disaster and suffering_. It should be joyful and wonderful tidings.

On the off chance that pregnancy does not scare you enough, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are also a potential danger you will be facing when you engage in sexual activities with multiple partners. Therefore, in order to avoid contracting one of those, you should always find information about STDs from reliable source. Be aware of the types, causes, preventive methods, and treatments. Get yourself checked after every time you had sexual intercourse with someone. That is the responsible thing to do so that you will not spread it if you should get it. However, short of asking them point-blank, you will have no idea of knowing whether someone has STDs. They themselves may not even be aware that they have it because they never bothered to be tested. In these perilous times, you had better err on the side of caution and always bring and use condoms. Condoms are men's best friend. Just spitballing here, but if you want to be completely safe, just do not have sex with more than one person or until you are married.

There still are risks of having sex before marriage and with numerous individuals. Your sexual partner could tape it and the video of you having intercourse might end up on the Internet. They could also use it to blackmail you into having a relationship with them or giving them money. Your employer could fire you because your little fling made its way into the papers or news. You might get attached and want a relationship with your sexual partner. You would destroy your relationship with someone if you slept with someone else and your partner discovered the truth. You might feel ashamed and regretful afterwards because you did not really want to do it or did not get what you wanted out of it. You might go to jail because you had sexual relations with a minor even if you did not realize they were. Someone's invitation to having sex could turn out to be an entrapment. Your sexual partner might drug you and steal your money and other valuables. They could have lied about being married and their spouse would hunt you down and kick your ass. The list goes on but you get the gist.

All of the above illustrates how marriage or a committed relationship is the best time to engage in any form of sexual activities. Marriage shows, tells, and means that the people in it have agreed to be together and are ready and capable of nurturing children. Besides, there is no financial, social, emotional, legal danger in having sexual relations with your partner or spouse. It is called being careful and smart. You must ponder, fear, respect, and anticipate the consequences of sex if it is not your wish to suffer them. A game this may be, but if you do not understand the rules, if you do not think there are rules, and if you are not ready to play, the punishments will be anything but severe.

_First Time_. You should think carefully about your first time because it is a significant moment for you. Everyone remembers his or her first time. Moreover, you will remember it for the rest of your life. It can only happen one time and you want it to be special. Peer pressure, curiosity, and urges can make you jump the gun and leave you with regret and shame afterward. The first time is not just for pleasure. It will have an effect on your confidence to perform again and on your opinions about sex. If it did not go as expected, you might lose faith in your ability or your partner's. What is worse is if you do not believe in sex anymore because it did not give you satisfaction that it is widely known of offering. It could traumatize you and discourage you from having your second for a long time.

The biggest question is always when. Saving yourself for marriage is one option. You want your future husband or wife to be the first and only one with whom you will ever be intimate. It is admirable, it is not wrong, and it certainly is not ludicrous. However, you should not use having sex as your sole and chief motive to get married or to rush getting married. You would only see your marriage as a way to have coitus and not care about everything else. If it turns out that your spouse cannot fulfill your needs, you can only live with that, have an affair, or get a divorce. It will be much less expensive and better for many people if you just have intercourse before marriage if that is what you genuinely want. At least if you have gotten it out of your system you will hopefully be able to think more clearly about your relationship and to nurture it.

It is always advantageous for couples to spend time together so they can learn more about one another and work on their differences before deciding to tie the knot. It is so that no divorce will be necessary if you should determine that you cannot live with each other. You can just break up instead. However, that could take years. In the meantime, you do not know how much longer you can resist the temptation to get physical when you are alone with your partner.

Have your first time with someone whom you have a close and intimate relationship with. It should be someone you can and do completely trust. Someone that you know did not choose to be with you just so they can sleep with you. Somebody that will not laugh at, make fun of, or be disappointed with you when you do something wrong but understand that this is not easy for you. Somebody patient, gentle, and selfless who will strive to give you a wonderful experience. A person that will not betray you by telling other people about your sexual activity. Someone to whom you want to get even closer. Someone that you wish to remember as your first. Therefore, it is in your own best interest to know the individual well. Spend some time together so you can determine if they are the one with whom you want to share this remarkably private and historic occasion of your life.

Most people, especially teenagers, are aware that having sexual intercourse is risky because it can result in unplanned pregnancy. Yet their sexual drive becomes harder to resist every day. You might be one of them too. You have a boyfriend or a girlfriend and you want to be closer to them but not too close. Therefore, you find another way, a loophole, if you will, that you can exploit to satisfy your sexual desire. You move from first base to the second base and to the third base and you make sure you cover all your bases. Making out and such in place of having intercourse seems to be a win-win situation but playing with fire repeatedly will only fuel the urge even more and it is very likely that someday you will lose control and forget all about self-restraint and perhaps protection.

You have to deliberate and decide if pre-marital sex is for you because it is not for everybody. You must learn, know, and understand how to be safe, careful, and responsible because this is a very serious matter. You will have to comprehend the risks involved and live with the consequences. You must be fully if not beyond certain that the decision will feel right before, during, _and_ after. If there is even a doubt at the moment leading up to it, then call it off. This is something that you can stop but not undo.

To start being sexually active, you have to be sure that you are capable of handling your own emotions. Losing your virginity is a life-changing moment and having a complete control of your self will benefit you greatly. A lot of things are going to happen during your lovemaking that will require confidence, maturity, composure, and courage to deal with. You will be completely naked as the day you were born, seeing someone's uncovered body, having someone caressing you in places you have never been touched and vice versa, and feeling some unusual sensations. Any of these things and possibly others can send you into shock if you are not prepared.

Telling yourself and or others that you are ready and being prepared are two different things. You need reasons to corroborate your claim that you are ready. Getting familiar with the human body and what happens during copulation should be number one on your checklist. Start with your own. Look at yourself in the mirror to see how you truly look like, to be comfortable with being nude, and to feel good about your body. Next, find pictures and articles about human anatomy especially the ones related to reproduction. Take a close, long look at the images provided and read about the function of each important part. Be familiar with what you are supposed to do first, and then move on to what you can do and what you desire to do. You can find out about and try fancier stuff, but for the first time focus on the missionary for it is the easiest to learn and master. Intercourse is not as easy as you might think, see, or be led to believe.

It is not the same watching others simulating sex acts and doing it yourself. You are in a very vulnerable state when you are naked in front of someone else. You can feel them seeing you from head to toe. You do not know anymore whether you are shaking, trembling, or shivering. It can be so terrifying and overwhelming that your desire and confidence dissipate almost at once. You forget what you wanted to do, how to do something right, what not or never to do. To save your dignity, you push yourself to go through with it. But during the intercourse you cannot look at each other or you just choose to close your eyes and hope that it will be over soon. Sometimes the emotional pressure can be too much to bear and you just burst into tears. Your body, heart, mind, soul are all telling you that you are not ready. That which was supposed to be a special and momentous experience turned out to be a nightmare. The irony is, you _will_ remember it for the rest of your life.

You have to take it slow when you are having your first time. First time implies that you have never done it before. You may have watched tons of porn for your pleasure or preparation, but you were just sitting stiffly and staring then. You may have been naked in front of others before, but never as a part of having coitus. You may have seen every inch of the human body prior to this, but never this close and real. You heard stories recounted in vivid details by your sibling or friend, but you could not feel their heart pounding and their body sweating as yours are right now. First time changes everything and everything changes in first time.

What you must always remember is that this is not a quickie. It is anything but a quickie. It is the complete opposite of that. You should not directly proceed to intercourse and not even to foreplay. What you do first is take off all your clothes. You can undress one another if you both want to. After disrobing, take some time to breathe because by now your heart rate should probably be elevated. Look at your partner and let them look at you. No touching is required at this point.

After a minute or so, take turns to see each other's body. Walk closer so you can see more. Scan them patiently, starting from the front, to either side, and to the back. Smell their hair and hear their heart racing while you see them for the very first time in their truest and most basic form. Move your eyes from top to bottom and commit what you see to memory. When you are finished, they will do the same thing to you. This is where you really endeavor to be comfortably naked in front of your partner. It is important to do it now so when you are doing the physical act of love you need not worry about what they are thinking and can concentrate more on basking in it. Let them see the true and entire you. Feel their presence near you and with every second and breath tell yourself that it is fine. Let your body speak by itself. If either or both of you still feel uneasy after this, then find another time to redo it.

Should nothing go awry, you can touch one another at this point. Again, take turns doing it. Your partner can stand up or lie down but standing up offers more area to explore. Before that, you both need to make sure you have each other's sanction to touch everything. It is natural if you feel reluctant to grant leave for certain things. Nevertheless, this is the time to be brave. It is hard, yet you must face and conquer the fear if you are to take pleasure in this. You want and need to feel completely safe with them and this is part of it; trusting that they will not harm you. You can still remind them to be gentle. It would be a great idea not to use two hands immediately since it could double the pressure on your partner. You can do just as much with but one and use only one or two fingers on several occasions. Once more, start from the top. You can have eye contacts too because your eyes will not be the ones doing the job. Use your eyes to calm them and to see their reaction to your caresses. As you get closer to sensitive region, slowly halt to give them time to prepare. They might close their eyes, take a step back, or grab your hand. Whichever they do, find their eyes again and "ask" if they want you to go on.

Having sex and making love are somewhat different because if you just copulate, you do not get to have and experience the intimacy between you and your partner. Sure, orgasms are amazingly fantastic. But since they are physical, they can last for several seconds at most. Intimacy, however, enables you to feel emotionally close to each other and you will be sharing those magical moments together. Orgasms are important, but they are not all that sex can offer. This is, after all, your first time, the one that you will narrate to your parent, sibling, friend, and child. You want to give them a tale with multiple climaxes. It could even be the best sex you have ever had. They will want details and you can give them a lot of it. If it was with your spouse, then you would recall it together in years to come. However, if it is just your run-of-the-mill sex story, even you will be disappointed to hear it. Surely, you want to tell it with pride and remember it with a smile. You can have all that, but you need to be exceptionally bold.

In case they do not want to continue, you can try again later. At least you have made progress if you made it through here. However, if they can muster enough courage to proceed, then resume. When you arrive at their private parts, do nothing more than a touch. Let them and more importantly yourself get used to it and enjoy it. Allow it to last for like ten seconds before you attempt to hold it. Take deep, long breaths while you feel that sensation. It will be next to impossible to think clearly at this point because every fiber in your body is telling you that you cannot wait any longer but you need to control yourself. Release your hold now so you can run your fingers through their back in a very slow motion. Keep going down until you have touched their foot, which is the sign that it is their turn.

Their caresses will not be similar to yours. You can only guess what they will do. That is what gives the excitement. Just lock eyes with them and let them see how you like what they are doing to you. You can enjoy the contacts more if you close your eyes but you should not because you need them to communicate with your partner. Try to maintain your breathing and watch how their face keeps changing as they have you in their hand. If they suddenly stop, they might be afraid to go somewhere. Nod once to tell them that you want them to or you can take their hand and place it where it was last. The taking turn times are over. Now you can do things simultaneously. You can use your lips to kiss them and your hands to hold them. And you can proceed to intercourse.

It cannot be stressed enough how vital silence is in order for this to work perfectly and romantically. It would be best if you both discussed what you both are going to do so that you would not need to say a word until after the act of making love. None of the above will be possible during the next of your several hundred fornications because you will have been scared, calmed, experienced. This time, though, you might have been frightened coming in, but you will be satisfied going out. The primary reason why there are so many steps is that they can help you handle the pressure slower and better. You could also just have sex and be done with it without having to go through all this steps. Sex is not as petrifying as being exposed in the presence of someone, but it is also not as thrilling and fulfilling.

_Improving Sexual Experiences_. Sex is about giving pleasure to one another rather than your own selves and letting your partner give it to you. Otherwise, it is just another version of masturbation. Sex is a two persons' activity. There are you and your partner who each has the tools capable of delivering a substantial amount and intensity of pleasure. Use them to your advantages and benefits. They have a function and a purpose. Several actually, but this one is very high on the list. Another thing that is vital for your partner to satiate you is trust. Having somebody see, pet, kiss, lick, or do anything else with and to your body requires a serious kind of trust. One that believes that what they are doing they do to satisfy you, not to hurt you. The type that shows you have faith that they know what they are doing.

You often see how people use music, flowers, candles, lingerie, and what have you to make the sex feel romantic, seem elegant, and look beautiful. You can do and have those things too but at the end of the day, sex always comes down to a primal exercise between two creatures. It is not pretty. It is ugly. But it is ugly good. Never let one of you be the only one carrying the ball. The amount of work should be equal for the two of you. Always strive to keep focus on the matter at hand, both metaphorically and literally. Sex can also become boring when you do the same moves every time. Sex is amazing when your partner takes you by surprise. However, this surprise thing can be a bad thing if you do stuff that your partner finds unacceptable or feels uncomfortable with. There is surprising and there is startling. Therefore, you must be extra careful about choosing and doing the act, position, or improvisation.

Discussing your sexual abilities and preferences is neither sexy nor arousing but it is necessary if you wish to achieve, relish, and share an even greater pleasure together. Talk about what you want to do, ask about what you may do, and tell your partner what you do not want so when you are in the middle of it, there will not be any surprises that can elicit objections. If there are some maneuvers that you have always wanted to try, you should bring it up and explain the why and how to your partner. The whole objective of sex is to be satisfied. But not merely with the act of making love itself. It includes imagination, fantasy, and curiosity. Besides, they need to decide if they can do it and if it is worth doing. You can learn and try new things, be it positions, techniques, or venues, but resist and avoid the number of participants.

Ask your partner what you are supposed to do or what they will do to see if you can find it enjoyable. Let your partner do something or take their advice because you may just come to like it. You should always agree to give it a go first at least. If you do feel uncomfortable when you start or while doing it, you can simply call it off. You cannot know that you will not like it without having a taste first. Nevertheless, if the request is too creepy or out there, then say no. Do not be ashamed to admit that you cannot do or grant something due to a physical or emotional reason.

In addition to allowing you to exchange ideas, this talk about sex can also turn you on. You can visualize your wildest fantasy and then share it to your partner. Your whole body listens very closely when they are describing in details what they are going to do. Nevertheless, sometimes even the best-laid plans can go wrong in their executions. That is why you should remind yourself and your partner that you could use directions. Instructions, before and during, enable you to tell each other specifically what you want. This can be extremely useful in the event that there is a change of plan, they forget to handle something, or they focus solely on their own needs.

Sex needs practice and takes time to be skilled at because most people are too anxious during the activity that they cannot even begin to think about what they want to do or be done to them. If you are both new to this stuff, learn together. You can do some research and experiments. If you are more experienced and interested than your partner in sex, be patient and wait for them to improve sexually. There is no bigger mood killer than a scared, nervous, and listless lover but you can be understanding and listening so you can help them to be better. Not everyone is a natural and an enthusiast. Show them the ropes (figuratively, of course) and let them try things by themselves. Ask them if there are specific moves that they would like to attempt and teach them how they can do it well. Let them know that they need to feel free and confident in trying to do anything they desire as long as it is not dangerous. On the other hand, to understand what the fuss is all about, you should attempt to be active, assertive, and relaxed when you are making the beast with two backs.

_Sex Life_. If you decide to have pre-marital sex, then it is your personal choice. You can have sex with whomever you want as long as it is safe, consensual, legal, responsible, and honest. Use protection, do not force someone against their own will, do it with someone who is on the same side of legal age, refrain from doing it every day with complete strangers, and it had better be not with someone that is not your romantic partner. As long as you perceive sex as 'just sex', you ought not to partake in any kind of sexual activities. You will gain a reputation as an s-l-u-t or a philanderer when you continue to sleep around. It is not something in which any woman should take pride as it shows that you have low self-esteem and you are doing this and them just to be liked. Guys will be happy to entertain and take advantage of you but they will never see you as someone they respect and somebody they want to be with. Men fancy easy women but they also want to appear virtuous, which requires having an official relationship with a respectable and dignified woman. As for men, you will be seen as someone who just uses women and throw them away, which makes other ladies doubtful to put their trust in a man such as you.

The purpose of casual, meaningless, no-strings-attached sex is to have physical pleasure without having to deal with unpleasant stuff, which relationships entail. If you love sex and you despise or fear commitment, then this is your solution. And if you want to work for several years to build your career and get enough money to start a family, that does not mean you have to wait until marriage to have sexual liaisons with someone, whether it is a romantic partner or not. With respect to career and financial security, it takes years to be in a good situation. Meanwhile you have needs that you cannot just ignore easily and continuously. Why must you be miserable for being smart? This way allows you to be sexually active while concentrating on your job, with no relationship stuff or living arrangements distracting you.

Sex is breathtaking and unbelievable when you are doing it and especially if you are doing it right. Afterwards, though, there can be a bunch of troubling feelings such as shame, guilt, or regret, which is why that when you know that it is against your better judgment, it is best to steer clear of engaging in sex. An hour of immense pleasure is not worth it if you have to deal with emotional ramifications. Another useful advice you can use is that you need to think carefully before taking part in meaningless sex because while the potential sexual partner is very clear about the terms and ready for the outcome, you may feel differently later. It could also be the other way around. For example, you might get attached and cannot let go or they might want something more than just sex. Sometimes you both are not on the same page, the other times you change your mind, or you are simply unable to control and overcome your feelings and emotions. Not everyone will think and can agree that it ends at and with sex, that it is just a one-time thing and a physical thing, that after everybody just goes their separate ways. There is also the possibility that you may lose sight of the magic, wonder, sanctity, and significance of sex as a result of overdoing it. Which is why that when in doubt, do not go through with it.

Sex is supposed and proven to reduce stress. The irony is, married people or the ones in a relationship are stressed, troubled, irritated by their relationship, marriage, or spouse that they do not and or cannot have sex and therefore are unable to relieve at least some of the tension. This is why people engage in extramarital affairs or in pre-marital sex. During the early stage of a liaison, partners and lovers are still passionate about each other. They are not yet troubled, burdened, separated by disagreements, differences, and disharmony. They still enjoy being with one another and even wanting to be closer. People want to have sex, yes, but they have to be in the mood for it. Otherwise, they are unwilling to do it, they cannot do it right, and the worst is they cannot take pleasure in it. Sex is not simply or merely a physical thing as it also involves the emotional side of humans.

##  CHAPTER 7  
Murphy's Law

### Know Your Enemy

_Trust_. Every relationship requires trust to start, to thrive, and to last. However, placing trust in someone else is about the hardest, most important, and most dangerous thing anyone can do in his or her life. One might learn about betrayal from firsthand knowledge like traumatic past with parents, relatives, friends, or exes and it left an especially severe wound because the first cut is the deepest. It could also be from secondhand experiences through listening, watching, and reading. These showed how untrustworthy people could be and proved that someone could only be betrayed by the people that they trust. This could lead to paranoia, which makes you believe that everyone, including your partner, is out to get you for everyone has a hidden agenda and an ulterior motive. They all desire and hide something. You believe that as a human being, your partner is self-interested and therefore will betray you if and when they want to. Furthermore, it makes it even more difficult to have your faith in someone if you have never known of or met someone that can be fully trusted and you have been let down far too many times.

When someone does not possess the ability to trust, he or she presumes that the best defense against disappointment is not to trust anyone ever again or at least completely. It is best to limit the number of things as well as the level of detail of the things that you share with people, namely and especially your partner. Fear has taken control and it destroys you slowly. It suggests that your lover is seeing someone else, that they are lying and hiding something, that they are playing you, and that they are looking for your weak spots. You stay on the lookout for things that can validate your suspicion and you create all sorts of scenarios in your head about some diabolical plan that your partner is carrying out in order to gain your trust. In your eyes, they might be telling you some ugly truth solely for the purpose of hiding even uglier ones and lulling you into a false sense of security. You demand full account and complete details of how they spend their time away from you like whom they meet and what they are talking about. If you are not completely satisfied, you do crazier things like stalking, interrogating, and checking up on them. You might even accuse them of cheating when you discover something about them and another person.

It is not an enjoyable sight and feeling to see and discover that your partner is a little too close, tight, and friendly than your liking with someone else. It is safe to say that everybody can agree on that. But the important thing here is that you need to trust the judgment of your partner and understand the situation. Try to succeed and try until you succeed. Your partner must realize that they are in a relationship with you and they will not do anything that will upset you unless they believe it remains acceptable. Unfortunately, often couples seem to have different opinions about the matter.

Another factor that can cause you to distrust your partner is your nature. When you know that you cannot be trusted and that you are capable of anything, you will start having and entertaining the notion that your partner may be the same. You may have cheated on your former partner, you have lied thousands of times to virtually everyone, and you have exploited people. You think that everything your partner says or does is their attempt to manipulate you into doing something. You ignore the possibility that just because you can do or have done all types of awful, horrible, unspeakable things, it does not mean that your partner can or will do those things to you. You keep them at arm's length so they can never find your vulnerabilities and take advantage of you. You act tough and strong all the time because you make it a priority never to lower your guard. You believe that the moment your partner detects or senses weakness, they will not hesitate to make their move. It always feels safer for you to assume and prepare for the worst.

It is not always that bad, though. It could be that you refuse to allow your partner to use your stuff because you do not trust them to be careful with it. You are afraid they are going to get it dirty, broken, or lost because they cannot exercise the same care as you do.

Sometimes the problem lies with your partner. You have no confidence in their ability and resolve to make good on their words because they have been proven undependable. You kept giving them chances, but they always blew it. You began to do everything by yourself, refused to delegate, and stopped asking for help as a consequence of your belief that they cannot do everything right and in the way that you desire. You want and need to trust them, to rely on them, but they just cannot seem to make it easy for you.

As a partner to someone so paranoid, you will find that sooner or later you cannot take it anymore. You are tired of not being trusted even after you have been together with them for a long time. You are at a loss as to what else you need to do to make them trust you. But if you stay true and honest, then they will eventually know that they can trust you. When they have considered and eliminated every theory, they will realize that whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

The sole reason you are in a relationship with someone is that you were lonely and you were isolated because you trusted no one. Not trusting other people can make you feel safe at the cost of being solitary. Nevertheless, you are lonely still and always if you keep your distance and keep things from them. Loneliness is when you have to lie to everybody about something in your life. So long as you do not and cannot trust them, you cannot be happy with one another. _Not knowing who to trust or how to trust again is the loneliest thing in the world_.

At some point, you will have to ask yourself if you cannot or will not trust them. It is for your own good to never trust people so quickly and easily. Let them prove first that they are worthy of your trust. Be that as it may, when you keep searching for reasons not to rather than try to believe them, that means you do not want to trust them. Sometimes, though, you can keep striving and giving your best to trust someone but the fear is too overwhelming. You need help to do this, and yet avoiding it is the reason you feel this way to begin with. To know if you can put your trust in your partner, look at their track record and test them. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Learn to trust someone because if you trust no one, you will be alone forever. When you find that it is so hard to believe, you wonder why other people find it so easy. But it has never been easy. If you want to believe someone, you just have to take a leap of faith because you can never know for sure whether they can be trusted.

_Respect_. You ridicule their belief, opinion, ability, appearances, job, principle, or any other aspects of them. You make jokes or laugh at ones that are at your partner's expense. You insult something or someone in their life. You emasculate them by constantly telling them what to do and how to live their life. You belittle them when you criticize their achievement or effort. You undermine them by defying their wishes or requests even after they strongly stressed that you do not. You humiliate them when you scold them publicly. You treat them like a second-class citizen. You never see them as an equal partner but rather as someone to keep you from being lonely. You make them a victim of your insensitivity. You make them lose every ounce of self-esteem they have by being in a relationship with you. All those things and many like them show disrespect towards your partner, which is why you should refrain from doing them. It is of the utmost importance that your partner has your respect. Everybody wishes to be with someone who values them because they have self-worth.

You find it difficult to accept that your partner has different views from you and to respect them for it. You want to change their opinions because you believe yours are the right ones. If you both happen to enjoy a different genre of music or literature, you try to convince them that yours are better. You almost never utter the words 'please', 'thank you', or 'I am sorry' because you see yourself as better than them. You make decisions by yourself without or before consulting your partner because you do not value their opinions. You do not respect them, because you do not have to. You believe you can always find someone else to replace them and you know they cannot or will not find someone better than you.

Every so often people forget that others are fellow human beings with feelings that can be hurt by their actions and words. And while they might think that something is respectful or acceptable, others may not perceive the matter in the same way. You also need to respect the relationship as much as you do your partner. If you do not take this thing seriously, people will get hurt for the wrong and unnecessary reasons. Do not be in a relationship if your motive is to take advantage of somebody's skills, status, or wealth. You do not deserve someone if you do not care what happens to them and about what they need. Furthermore, you should not be anyone's boyfriend or girlfriend if your chief and sole reason is to seek amusement and pride or to use them as means to get back at your ex. They are not an object that you can play with and throw away when you are bored. For you it may just be a game, but it is actually an important step in everyone's life, including you. You just do not know it yet.

More often than not, people can feel underappreciated or unappreciated by their partner because the latter never expresses their gratitude for what they have. To prevent or end this, do not allow your partner to push you around simply because you think you deserve it or you just want to take the high road. People will treat you poorly when they know that you will allow them. You need to show your partner and just as importantly everyone else that you have dignity. It is imperative they comprehend that you are not weak and that they need to start giving you more respect. Give them something that they can respect you for because you have to earn it. Tell yourself that you have had it with looking the other way about their behavior, letting them walk all over you, and taking orders from them. Demand respect from them and if they cannot grant you that, then it is time to leave.

_Lies & Secrets_. _It is lying when you do not tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth_. Before you lie, you must always make risk assessment. When you have to lie to cover the other lies eventually you will begin to lose track of them and be confused about how to keep everything from crumbling. Some things are not worth lying for. If the truth will only cause a little trouble, then just get it over with. Deceiving your partner can only add to your problem and burden and you do not want to live that way. Neither alternatives are pleasant but you just have to make a choice. You could have just not done something wrong in the first place, but that ship has sailed. It is no use crying over spilled milk.

When you do decide to lie, plan and do it carefully so it will not blow up in your face later. The best lies are the ones that have a grain of truth in it and buried between some truths. Make sure there is no way your partner can learn the truth and uncover the secrets you are hiding. You had best have the stomach for it as well because the fear and guilt will eat you up and haunt you every single day. You will want to get it off your chest but you are terrified of what will happen. It is also selfish to admit something to your partner only so you can ease your conscience. Suffer the punishment of your action yourself and let others out of it.

The truth will set you free only from the guilt. There are consequences to lying despite your coming clean. Lies and secrets will cost you trust which is the most important thing every relationship needs. By lying and keeping secrets, you are saying that _you do not trust your partner and that you cannot be trusted_. Most people get angry not because of the lies or secrets per se. They are outraged with the fact that they were being lied to and had secrets kept from them. Sometimes it can be both. It will take some time before you can be trusted again. After your little confession or their discovery, your partner will wonder if there are or what other things that you have lied about and concealed.

You tried telling the truth once to your partner for the sake of being honest. You thought that telling the truth would at least count for something. However, it turned out to be a disaster and learning from that you now see that sometimes it is just better for everyone if you hide or bend the truth through the use of some little white lies. Your relationship does not have to go through unnecessary and avoidable disputes and you can enjoy some amazing time together. However, you cannot lie every time about everything. If something bothers you extremely then you need to tell your partner. Lying is supposed to make it easy for you, not to make you even more miserable for having to hide the truth.

Lies are double-edged sword because they can be used to prevent problems but they could also become a whole new problem. Nevertheless, relationships cannot be free of dishonesty forever. Look at it as a different sort of trust; the kind that believes that you both know what to lie about and when to lie in order to protect one another and the relationship. The type that gives them a pass to lie to you all they want but when you ask them the truth, they tell you the truth. It is not what anybody would want, but this is not a perfect world.

Some couples also try to practice full disclosure. They believe that if they are to trust each other, they need to be completely honest about everything. They promise to one another that they will not get mad and they have immunity. However, as they hear more and more of the ugly truth, they just wish that they did not know about it. It is just too hurtful or horrible and there is no forgetting it. They have to live with that and if they cannot look at their partner without thinking about it, then it is over for them. If you plan on doing so, if you want to hear the truth and the whole truth, you had better be ready and willing to hear it and not the one that you wish to hear. If you cannot handle the truth, then live in ignorance. Before you decide to ask questions to your partner, ask yourself how much of a person you really want and need to know. _What you do not know cannot hurt you_. There is a "hurt" in "truth." You will also find that you cannot keep your end of the bargain forever. The reason could be due to you seeing how dumbfounded they are by what they are hearing or you do not believe that they are telling you everything.

_Betrayal_. Although one deed is the most common and most painful, there are other acts of disloyalty to which one could fall victim. You might like things that other people make such as dish more than you fancy that of your partner's. It is not faithful to reveal secrets or private matters of your partner's that they told you in confidence, swore you in secrecy for, and made you promise to keep between the two of you. Speaking ill of them or taking part in any activities which purpose is disrespecting your partner is a display of treachery. To kick them to the curb when there is someone better is not honoring your commitment to them. You are repaying their faith in you with heartache when you leave them in the lurch in their times of need, when they need you the most such as when they get sick, suffer permanent injury, or undergo financial difficulties.

You can deliberately betray someone or it could happen inadvertently. Either way, it usually starts the same way. You sought happiness somewhere else or stumbled upon it. You could have met or gotten close with someone new and started doing with him or her the things you are supposed to do with your lover. You spend an awful lot of time together, you share private and intimate thoughts with them, and you tell them something you have never told anyone else. They can offer you what your current partner cannot such as passion, time, attention, affection, or patience. Moreover, while the latter brings or causes problems, the former provides solution and comfort. You did not put a stop to it when it is still casual and platonic but decided to let it continue. As a result, you are starting to develop feelings for each other.

People become unfaithful to their partner for various reasons but none of them justify that sort of conduct. Breaking up with them could have solved your constant loneliness, huge disappointment, persistent temptations, weak moments, and unfulfilled needs. You just did not have enough courage to do what you wanted and what was right. By not giving what you wanted and needed, they did not exactly hurt you. They might have disappointed you and made you loathe them, and yet they remained loyal to you. You betraying them, however, did break their heart. If they are a horrible person, you could have just left them. Even if they cheated on you first and you did it for payback, two wrongs do not make a right. You owe it to your partner to tell him or her the truth that you have found someone else because otherwise, in addition to being a cheater, you will also be a coward. You can save the little of what is left of their dignity by not making them have to learn it from someone or somewhere else.

Think about what kind of future that a relationship that is based on lies, secrets, and betrayal has. Given your track record, you cannot possibly and confidently say for sure that either you or your new partner will not suspect each other of deception and infidelities. One started an affair, the other agreed to be in one. And who is to say that history will not repeat itself? What goes around comes around. You screwed over your previous partner or an innocent, so this is what you get. You also have to consider the fact that your lover has flaws and theirs may just be worse than your partner's. It may be sweet, perfect, and magical at the moment but you had this kind of experience before with your present companion and look how things turned out. This should make you rethink about your liaison.

When you see that your partner is oddly and suddenly content while you and they have been having problems lately, then something is up. People do not change their behaviors without a reason. There could be many explanations but chances are they are having something behind your back. You may not want to confront them because you are afraid of what you will hear, yet you must be strong and do it nevertheless. Living in uncertainty and denial is no way to live. Ask them what is going on with them without accusing them of anything. Only if you see that they are hiding something or look nervous, you should look them in the eye and demand them to tell you if they are seeing someone else. Give them a chance to explain. Should the worst happen to be true, let them say what they have been feeling towards you, about your relationship, and towards that other individual. If they are not sure and you still believe that you have a future, tell them that and see if they are willing to give your relationship another try. Nevertheless, sometimes their answer marks the end of everything between you.

_A betrayal not only can make you question other people but more tragically, it makes you start second-guessing yourself_. You hate and blame yourself for being so foolish. You ask what is so wrong with you that could drive them to do that. You lack confidence in your ability to judge people. But you can look at this as a chance to learn, to grow, and to improve. Sometimes things have to get worse before they start getting better.

_Communication_. Adequate amount of communication enables you both to know and comprehend many things about one another such as what to do, what you do and do not need or want, and what you are thinking or feeling. It allows you and your partner to explain yourselves to each other and subsequently helps you understand your respective personalities. This will benefit you greatly since you can learn together how to deal with each other and what you need to adjust.

An advantageous communication process requires both talking and listening from both parties. You need to talk about what is on your mind, what is bothering you as well as what you want and need so your partner can have knowledge of it. In turn, you have to pay attention to them when they are expressing their feelings and communicating their thoughts. Do not interrupt but let each other finish with what you are saying so it does not turn into an argument over who should speak or listen. It is annoying when you are cut in with jokes, guesses, or comments. In addition, when you have to yell so they will hear you or to stop them from talking, the process becomes no longer productive. You may not like what you are hearing, but you can and must present your views in a way and with a choice of words that can ensure the tension will not escalate. Your replies are expected, but perhaps your delivery leaves something to be desired.

If you disagree or have doubts or reservations, then say something. Do not let it turn into one of those they-talk-and-you-listen situations or vice versa. Your partner cannot possibly know what you think and what you want unless you tell them. Agreeing to something you oppose is only going to result in resentment towards your partner. Moreover, you should allow and encourage your partner to state their opinions so you can be on the same page or you can find an answer that works for both of you. You need to be great at conveying your thoughts to each other simply because you are going to have to put forward, discuss, and decide many things in your relationship. Some of the biggest ones including getting married, having children, and money utilization. In order for the communication to achieve something beneficial for all parties involved, you need to take turns talking and listening.

Perhaps the case is that you say everything is okay or nothing is wrong but your behavior and body language say otherwise. You are angry with your partner but you cannot say it directly. You might not want to let go of something because you are still upset. You pick a fight to show that you are and to release your anger. They too are pissed because you will not talk when it is obvious that something is vexing you. They want you to say what you want to say so you can find a solution, move forward, and put this behind you.

What you might have been forced to live with as of late is to only talk when necessary and keep it simple and short. You find it difficult and awkward to talk to or be around each other because you will not address the elephant in the room. Quit pretending and telling yourself that everything is fine when you know that it is not. Do something about it like confront your partner and hash out what you have on your mind so you can get past it. Saying what is troubling you with your relationship can be counterproductive if you do it with someone other than your own partner. The person you are with and the one you are having a problem with is the one to whom you have to talk. Other people can only offer advice and insight but it is you and your partner that have to resolve your issue. They also would not take it too kindly if they learned that their partner has been conferring their personal matter with someone else.

Some people want to communicate but they just have no clue how to do it or they are not used to it yet. This is most likely why you rarely get straight and clear answer from them when you ask about something. On the other hand, if you wish for your partner to understand you, then you have to make an effort to convey yourself more and better. They are not a mind reader and to them you may be an enigma. Share your thoughts and articulate your emotions so they can get a clearer insight about yourself. What you do not want to talk about is often what needs to be communicated and expressed.

Your issue might be that you cannot have a serious conversation with your partner because something, be it work, television, computer, or magazine, constantly keeps them busy and distracts them. They only nod a lot or fake a response since they clearly are not listening to a word you say or choosing not to. They do not seem to take you seriously and it just riles you up. Occasionally, due to your schedule, you and your partner may not have much personal time for yourself, let alone to communicate. If that is the case, then you should begin to allocate some time for it before you regret the effects it will have on your relationship. Communication aids you to stay connected with each other's life and to discuss your relationship. Failure to do so or lacking that will most likely result in you both drifting apart. You will start moving in different directions in your relationship and very soon, you will have separate lives in place of a united one.

Let your partner know that they can come to you when they want your company, support, and advice. That way they will not presume that you do not care when you do nothing and let them being alone. Also, you will be able to avoid an altercation, which could happen if you keep bothering them asking what is wrong or what you can do for them. It could happen sometimes that you get all worked up without giving your partner a chance to explain. When they inform you about their predicament, you point out their mistake or ask what they want you to do to try to fix their mess. You have no idea because they did not tell you that what they actually need is for you to only listen and to be supportive. Rather than being honest, you wish for your partner to be less concerned and worried so you need not take care of them emotionally when all you like is just some time alone to be sad, upset, and angry. You vent to your partner because you have been under tremendous pressure lately due to work or family matters. You lash out at them when they ask what is going on with you and an argument soon ensues. _Misunderstandings occur because you assume something instead of asking, telling, communicating, and being clear_.

_Expectations_. Relationship is full with expectations, which makes it full with disappointment. One partner wants something and the other either gives it and satisfies their partner or fails and creates a problem. You might want your present partner to be more like or better than someone that you use as a standard, such as an ex or a public figure. You expect them to always be beautiful, successful, popular, or perfect so you can take pride in being with them. You desire for your relationship to be as smooth, romantic, passionate, and amazing as other couples' that you have seen, watched, read about, heard about, and fantasize about. You are still dissatisfied with them even though they are a nice, great person who cares about you and is loyal to you. You still feel like there is something that is missing like passion, attention, or intimacy. You too are disappointed to learn that your partner has flaws and not the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend you made them out to be.

You find it extremely difficult to deal with the fact that your partner simply cannot live up to all your expectations and fulfill your hopes and dreams. Nevertheless, when you keep demanding changes and improvements, it suggests that you do not actually want to be with your partner. You spend way too much time turning your partner into someone else that you are more willing and able to be with rather than trying to accept them. You forget one important thing, which is the fact that you are not so perfect yourself and you deny or ignore the idea that it is very hard to live under the pressure to be someone else. Imagine if you were not permitted to show and express your true self because by doing so you would get in trouble. It is depressing and challenging to have to live like that. That is certainly not the sort of relationship in which one dreams to be or should stay. They might call you a hypocrite if you tell or ask them to be or do something that you yourself are not or do not practice, respectively. They might also just do the opposite to spite you for endlessly pushing them.

Other cases see that someone, over the time, learns to manage his or her expectations and live with the disappointment that the partner cannot change. However, there is a possibility that they keep behaving the way they are to secretly force you to accept them. It is their hope and intention that once you come to terms with the reality that they cannot change who they are, you will give up hoping and trying to make them do something.

On the other hand, you might be the one that is being pushed by your partner to try harder and be more. They cannot seem to be pleased when they think that you can achieve something more than what you already have. None of what you have done seem to be good enough for them. They keep wanting something new, something different from you. You are tired of having to fulfill one expectation after another. Being with someone who cannot accept you for who you truly are is exhausting. You feel like losing your own identity because what they are turning you into is not something that you can enjoy being. You detest who you are in front of or around your partner because you know it is not you. It will not be long before you start to resent them for asking too much from you.

You are afraid of being rejected by your partner that at first you do everything to satisfy and please them. You decide to change since you believe that it is the only way you can be accepted. You give it a shot at first to strive to change but eventually you grow tired. You are not doing it for your own benefit because you did not believe that those improvements are necessary. You want to get their approval and yet it makes you so very miserable. You feel that way because you no longer live for yourself and for your own happiness.

It is not wrong at all to want more out of your partner or relationship. You are entitled to it as a part of wanting or agreeing to be involved with someone. However, you need to set a limit or target so you know when to stop and be sure to keep it realistic. By continuously expecting and struggling, none of you can be happy. Being content with your partner is always a viable option that you can consider. Learn to come to terms with the reality that they are a person with virtues and vices.

_Insecurities_. You are too fearful that your partner will wake up someday and realize that they can do so much better than you that you accommodate, enable, and encourage them to do anything they want. You relentlessly attempt to be someone that your partner can be proud of so they will not have a reason to jettison you. You do everything that is humanly and financially possible to maintain and enhance your physical appearances so they will not be embarrassed to be seen with you. When you suspect or know that all your partner cares about you is your looks and that you are nothing to them without it, you do not take time to introspect, to consider the possibility that they are not the right one for you, that what you need is someone who can make you feel less insecure.

You are alarmed to learn that your partner admires someone who is much better than you in abilities, appearances, or in any other respects. You are concerned by the amount of time that they have been spending with someone other than you. You get upset upon knowing, seeing, or hearing that they are or have been having a good time with another person. You are threatened by the presence of someone else in your partner's life who you believe is trying to snatch away your partner from you. You even go so far as to forbid them to see that person and demand them to make no further contact so as to shield them. You overreact when your partner seems to be a little too much friendly with someone. It does not help that your partner is quite attractive, which makes them a target for many contenders.

You are jealous that they can do something like share their thoughts or problems with someone else but not so much with you or at all. You are also not a fan of the fact that someone else understands them better than you do. You feel unhappy with the fact that your partner still keeps and uses some stuff from their previous liaisons and you try to get rid of those things. You are not thrilled to discover that they are still in touch with their former companions. You also have this silly need to surpass each and every one of their former partners. You ask them what those people used to do and give so you can do it ten times more or better.

You are constantly and extremely afraid that you cannot offer what your partner wants, needs, and deserves from a partner. You are embarrassed that you can never be as great and give as much to your partner as someone else might. You see other people can give their significant other so many and so much and you feel ashamed of your inability to do the same. You let yourself believe that you have never been, are not, and will never be good enough for them. You have this idea that they settled for you, that you are not their first choice but merely a consolation prize. You ask your partner why they wanted to be and still do with the likes of you and start listing all your flaws and mistakes. You keep needing guarantees and reassurances from them that they always adore you and that they will not leave you no matter what.

You could also be intimidated by the success and accomplishments of your partner since they draw attention to your own failures. So much so that you ask them to give it up or be angry for no apparent reason at them. You feel uneasy about their strength and independence for now you cannot overpower them, own them, and feel better over their lack of something such as wealth, status, and achievement. You are unnerved by their wealth, social status, parents or family, possessions, and job, which lead you to believe that you do not belong in their life nor will you ever do. You are not certain if you will be able to handle the pressure regardless of your partner's support.

You deliberately attempt to sabotage and destroy your own relationship that is going fine because you do not think you deserve to be happy with your partner. You believe that you are not worthy of them so you start pushing them away. You want them to break it off with you so they can find someone better. You want to feel sorry for yourself. You are terrified with the prospect that they will be the one who is going to abandon you when they know things about yourself that you are not proud of. You allow yourself to drown in self-doubt and self-hatred rather than start trying to be someone actually worthy of them and to see yourself as one. Thinking that you have nothing good to offer to your partner may affront them because you are saying that they are a shallow person, that they just see the superficial things and not what is inside you.

_Selfishness_. You do not lend moral or physical support as what partners should do. You are unwilling to help your partner do something. You ask them to give up on doing something that they are not good at or having trouble with. You have little faith in their chances and abilities to succeed. You abhor failure and seeing them struggling reminds you of it. You expect them to accept you for who you are even if who you are is anything but satisfactory. You ignore their need of a good partner for it requires you to change and improve yourself. You do not want to be a better person for them. You see yourself as perfect the way it is. And if you are glad with it, they will have to be too.

You refuse when they ask you to do something that they believe you both can enjoy together. When they decided to do it without you and actually enjoyed it, you just could not be happy for them. You did not want to give them the fun and excitement that they wanted but you did not like the fact that you were not part of what made them satisfied, either. You found ways to spoil their joy. You made jokes about it, you pouted when they told you about it, or you tried to persuade them not to do it again. Or you may have agreed to do things your partner wanted the way they wanted but your attitude only served to upset them. You whined, you complained, you grumbled all the time.

It might be the case that you are requesting your partner to do something that for them is as good as impossible to do and you are unwilling to take no for an answer. For instance, you give them ultimatum to choose between you and their family, friend, hobby, dream, or job. You do not fancy the idea of sharing them with others, you cannot get along with those people, or you do not get to see and spend as much time with your partner as you would like because of it or them. You do not care if those people and things are important to your partner. You believe that you are and should be the most significant thing and people in their life.

You are more than happy to do something for your significant other only if there is likelihood that you will get something in return. You want praise, appreciation, or reward of any kind. It is never just for them. You cannot appreciate the things that they do for you because you want something more, better, and different. You complain when you do not like the meal they prepared for you or the gift they bought for you. You never listen to your partner and you just do everything that you want. You will not fulfill their needs if you have to sacrifice yours. You force them to agree with you on something, but you also want them to actually be okay with it. On the other hand, you hate it when they cannot seem to see that you are upset and keep pushing you to do something. They just decide what they want and they get upset when you do not want the same thing. They never want to know and they do not care what you want, feel, and deal with because their insensitivity does not allow them to put themselves in your shoes. They never make an effort or a real one to try to be understanding to you.

You might be self-centered. You want your partner to listen to what you are saying but the minute that they start talking about their selves, days, or problems you want to change the subject back to you or you stop listening. You think you are the one with the big problems or interesting stories and it does not matter what everyone else is feeling or going through. You seem indifferent to their existence and needs. You have been complaining and whining constantly to your partner about pretty much everything in your life. You blame everyone else for your problem because you cannot accept the fact that you are not perfect. People get sick so fast when they have to deal with complaining and whining on a regular basis. You like to tease them because you get plenty of laughter out of it but when they do it to you, you shut down and mope. You just cannot let it go when they do something bad to you, intentionally or unintentionally. You are like a child who has to get whatever they want.

Relationships need a fair amount of give and take. You do something they want and vice versa. It will not work if you both always have to do the things you prefer to do. You may not like it, but you can and should at least attempt to feign an interest. They might have done so when you were doing your things or they will be more inclined to do so when it is your turn. Your partner will be more than happy to reciprocate if you are being kind, helpful, and supportive to them. You cannot just expect them to do something nice for you without you giving them a motivation or something in return. You can also try to be a little more considerate. Think of your partner when you are about to say or do something. If you like to warn, correct, or ask them for something, you can do it nicely.

_Commitment_. You have this notion that your partner is not as committed to the relationship as you are. You think they are just stringing you along and have no intention of ever getting serious. They might be putting off saying the magic word or meeting with parents because they still have doubts as to whether or not you are the one. You push them to prove their commitment to you as soon as possible by demanding that they proclaim their love or their intention of marrying you. But that can only be detrimental to you. They appear and act distant because they have been having uncertainties about you and the relationship. Do not give them a reason to break up with you because you do not try to ask them first what they are thinking about and what they want. Once you both know what each other wants, then you can make a decision.

You are not so sure anymore whether you want to be in a relationship because of what it entails. You feel trapped and burdened by responsibilities. You cannot commit to your partner because you are beginning to realize that you want to be alone. You like your life of freedom and options and you cannot give that up. You begin looking for or making up excuses to get out of the relationship when you feel bored, uncomfortable, or disappointed. You plan on dumping them the moment they stop being useful or entertaining to you. You find it hard to stay too long with them because you have seen their bad qualities, you wish to be with someone else, or you want to look for someone new. You search for imperfections that your partner might have instead of focusing on their fine attributes because that is your occupational hazard. You start getting the feeling that your current partner is not good or many enough for you. If you are certain that you do not want to be with them, then tell them it is better you both go your separate ways. But if you think that you just need some time alone and more space from them, let them know about it so they can understand and give that to you.

_Dependency_. Both dependency and independency are a problem. With the former, you always want to do everything together and or do things that can be done together. You feel empty, powerless, and lost whenever your lover is not around. You can only feel safe and comfortable when they are nearby. You have difficulties and unwillingness to take care of yourself; therefore, you leave it to them to provide you with affection. You need their presence, attention, and support far more than what they can give you. You are unable to loosen your grip on them, which makes it tough for them to live parts of their life that are not related to you. On the other hand, you are followed and will not be left alone by your partner. They irritate you for being so clingy and needy. You long and ask for more of your own space and time because you feel suffocated.

As for the latter, you inexplicably get angry when your partner does something for you and you cannot fully and genuinely appreciate it. You never want anything to be bought for, made for, or given to you. You believe you can do it yourself, you did not ask for it, you wanted to do it but no longer can because of them, it feels wrong and unnatural, and you are afraid you will get dependent on them. You are terrified of having someone else care about you because then you will lose your sense of independence. Carrying burdens alone has made you stronger and sharing it with someone else may turn you into a needy person.

You refuse to ask for and accept help from your partner and part of that is you will not talk to them about the problem you are facing. You have to handle it by yourself, you know you can do it, you have to be able to deal with it, you have to try it first, and you are not going to give up quickly and easily. You would die first before you ask for help and you are dying when you are watching them helping you. Moreover, you do not want them to ask questions about your activities and life. When they do, you feel uncomfortable and annoyed because you do not think they need to know. You hate it when they make decisions for you or when they so much as advise you what and how to do something. You never listen to anybody but yourself because you do not have the need to and you trust your own judgment. You have trouble letting your partner be a part of your life because you are so used to being alone and taking care of everything, including yourself, on your own.

When you try to lend them a hand hoping to get a thank you or any kind of appreciative gesture, you are instead pushed away and scolded by them. You want to feel needed by them and be useful to them so you do not feel like a useless person who has a relationship with themselves. They hardly let you do anything you want to do for them as their partner. You feel like they do not give you enough chances and room to be their partner. The only thing you can do is be patient and be there for them. They may not need you now, but sooner or later they will because everyone requires help from time to time. Pushing to help is not helping anyway. It just creates a whole new problem that can and should be averted.

_Boundaries_. You want to know about and get involved too much with your partner's private matters. You make their problems your business and solving them your responsibilities. You smother them with all your protection, attention, and affection. You make yourself at home slightly more than what your partner meant when they extended the courtesy. You give little respect to their privacy by eavesdropping on their conversations with people, looking inside their computers, rifling through their things, and using their stuff without permission. You believe that you have the right or even obligation to strive to change your partner's life. You get rid of their cigarettes, drinks, or porn. You move their furniture around or buy them new ones. You push them to be nicer to or to reconcile with their estranged parents.

But in relationship, there are things you do and there are things you do not. You and your partner will have different idea about that and there will be altercations because of that. Even if you are now their partner, that does not give you the right and permission to tell them what to do, to meddle into their affairs, and to change the way they live. If you wish to be involved in some aspect of their life, let them know so you can discuss it and establish the boundaries.

_Intimacy_. Emotional intimacy is not for everyone. Some people prefer to keep their personal feelings and private thoughts to themselves because those things are painful, unpleasant, and complicated and it is hard to talk about them. You find it hard to open up about yourself. You do not share your private, innermost thoughts or your deep, dark secrets due to fear or shame. You refuse to talk about feelings because you believe it is for the weak and it makes you uncomfortable. You do not like any of this emotional intimacy stuff and even more hate it being pressured constantly by your partner to express yourself. You dislike being vulnerable because you hate that part of yourself. You find being emotionally close to your partner to be an uneasy thing. You keep looking for other things to do whenever you are both alone. It is going to take some, even long time before you can feel safe enough to let someone in. Nevertheless, you have to want to.

On the other hand, you might believe that emotional connection is important and meaningful and that is why you keep asking your partner to open up to you. Your partner, unfortunately, might not give you permission or chance to talk about what you are feeling and they certainly do not want to actively participate in that sort of talk. You may not make it easy for them by being impatient. You do not give them sufficient time to ponder, consider, and make a decision. You should remember that they need to do it in their own accord, time and manner. This is not an easy thing for anyone to do. They have to know that they can trust you, that they want you to share their experiences, and that what they tell you will not hurt them.

Occasionally, the issue is that one or both of you have lost the desire to make physical contacts. You never or scarcely hold hands, kiss, cuddle, or have intercourse anymore. Or you might have a partner who is emotionally unavailable. They are there with you but their mind is somewhere else. They scarcely pay attention to you, they are more interested with their work, and they will not talk to you about their life. Intimacy, or lack thereof, shows how close, comfortable, and connected you and your partner are with one another. Therefore, it is imperative that you and your partner can maintain, regain, or achieve a level of closeness that can give you a motive to continue and enjoy your liaison. Encourage yourself and your partner to talk more often and more about your deep thoughts. Find some time to have conversation and to do things together.

_Baggage_. Your partner might still be hung up on their ex or pining for someone else. They cannot stop thinking about their ex, they bring up their past relationship whenever you talk, and they keep comparing you with their former partner. Or perhaps all they can talk about is how they wish they could change something or how they should have done things differently. What they really need is a listener and not a partner because clearly they are not capable to be a partner to someone in their condition. They are an emotional mess and you are not cleaning them up. It is not your dream to be in a relationship where you have to wait and nurse someone who is wounded until they are healed. Giving support is a part of romantic relationship but when it becomes the only or primary element of it then it is not working anymore. You might also have to deal with your partner's difficult parents whom your partner is still living with, do not like you, and still make decisions for your partner.

As you begin to know more about someone, you learn a thing or two about their past and their life that has a major influence in determining their actions and behaviors. If you cannot handle their baggage, bring it to their attention, state what you want, suggest what they could do, or ask them what you are supposed to do to help them and make things work.

_Personality_. The more you spend time with your partner, the more you can see their true personality and they yours. You might have little, odd, or no sense of humor. You are uptight while your partner is easy-going. Your partner is a more of a reticent person whereas you are a talkative one. Your personality is abrasive, but your partner's is friendly. They are cold and distant, yet you are warm towards people. They are a cynic, and you, on the contrary, are an eternal optimist. You might be a control freak who has to be in control of pretty much everything. You want to make decisions for your partner. You tell them when to sleep, what to eat, what not to wear, etc. They are self-involved who only thinks about their own self. They think that the world revolves around them and they are the one with problems or important ones. You tweaked your personality to accommodate your being with someone. Now, however, you lack intention, interest, or energy of pretending to be a nice person and partner any longer. You have been someone you are not for a long time to make your partner stay but you just cannot anymore. You start showing your true color because that is just who you are. People with different core personalities cannot be together for they drive each other crazy.

_Lifestyle_. Coming from different backgrounds and cultures can make it difficult and complicated for couples to adapt to each other's life. People have their own customs that they have become familiar and comfortable with. That is the reason why people usually become involved and spend the rest of their lives with someone from similar way of life. You know you are not right for each other when you cannot seem to be comfortable to embrace and be a part of something in your partner's life. You find it odd and yet your partner cannot abandon it, either. Moreover, you have hardly a thing in common. You rarely do things together because you like different things. You go through the same routine every time you spend time together. You go to the same place, you order the same meal, and you talk about the same things. You soon get bored with each other. They do not seem to understand, get interested, or be amused with what you share with them and vice versa. You are simply not made for each other so you should go your separate ways and live your separate lives.

_Differences_. Couples argue all the time mainly because they have different philosophies, preference, and views that influence how each of them make a choice in terms of what to do and how to do it. The smallest and easiest things can be problematic when no one wants to meet each other halfway or to take the high road. It is not a relationship if you insist on forcing your partner to choose between you and the highway. You cannot always get what you want. Everyone always thinks they are right and wants to be right. But that kind of attitude is not beneficial to any relationship. You do not always have to be right, to win every argument, and to prove that your partner is wrong.

If a disagreement does not require a concurrency, then agree to disagree. You can maintain what you believe is right without having to argue. Should, however, an agreement be necessary in order for you to make a decision, then begin a negotiation process so you can come to an understanding. Try to do what is best for the relationship and to resolve the issue. If your partner has a good point and idea, then do it their way. That does not necessarily make your way wrong. It all depends on the problem and the circumstances. As long as you both understand that, you will find it easier to have a discussion and reach an agreement.

### The Core of It

Relationships are not always about and filled with spending time together, holding hands, laughing with each other, or other delightful things. A strong and lasting relationship needs to undergo and withstand numerous and various tests throughout its life to determine whether the couple is compatible. It requires great effort and sacrifice from both parties to conquer every difficulty that arises so as to prevent it from injuring or shattering the relationship.

Fighting, arguing, yelling, swearing are your ways to express and release anger, sadness, disappointment, and exasperation. They are not healthy or constructive but at times, you just cannot control it. You and your partner keep throwing your arguments at each other wanting to prove that you are right. One of you then will soon get defensive and has nothing left to say but has the pride at stake. And in the heat of the moment, it is very easy to lose your restraint and say things you do not mean and for which you will feel sorry; things like your true views of your partner, their comparison with your ex and how you prefer the latter, or your rash decision to end things.

You might even drag up ancient histories just to show them that they are not always right, either. However, dredging up old disputes shows that you cannot let things go and you are still harboring resentment toward your partner. Let bygones be bygones for the very good reason that you will not just have that single problem in your entire relationship, provided it can last forever. If you keep count as well as hold a grudge then you will never be able to forgive your partner, let alone hold them dear. And when you finally resort to calling each other names, it has finally gotten too far. You should always avoid name-calling since it really can hurt feelings and can only serve to exacerbate the situation. No one wants to be called terrible things by anyone else, least of all by their own partner. You simply cannot see yourself living with someone who thinks so horribly of you.

Spend some time alone and apart from each other to cool off. Look for and do something that soothes you like walking, cooking, watching, or reading. Avoid eating, drinking, driving, or drinking and driving since those types of acts are not beneficial for situations such as this. While doing any of these activities, you might find that they cannot produce the desired effect. You try to compose yourself and let those things relax you, but nothing good happens. There are just too many emotions and thoughts swirling around in your head. Even more reason you should not be arguing with your partner. You have not had adequate time to process everything that took place and you are not in the state of mind to think clearly and carefully. Both can hinder your abilities to think of a solution and are very likely to worsen and lengthen your feud. Be patient and concentrate on doing the thing that you were doing earlier. Forget about your problem for a while because being stressed over it obviously is not doing you any good. You will know when to think it over again the moment you feel that it is not upsetting you much like before.

The problem with silent treatment is that every now and then you just cannot see how and when to stop it altogether. It can also cause your partner to refuse speaking to you since they become tired of talking to themselves. You both wait for the other to speak first but in the meantime, you are doing things that are detrimental and uncalled for. You want your partner to break the silence first so you do things that make each other's life more difficult and you refuse to ask for their help when you need something. Nevertheless, eventually either one of you will have to cave because you realize that you cannot go on like this forever. The other may not see it the same way, though. Your attempt to commence a talk about the issue may immediately receive harsh comment, tone, or expression from your partner. This just antagonizes you and brings back the anger that you tried so difficult to contain. You say or think that you have no idea why you even bothered to try, you storm out, and you refuse to start talking unless they go first. This could go on for too long a time that neither of you can even recall what you were fighting about.

You should never let your conflicts remain unresolved for far too long because there can be so many things that occur during the interval. One of you might think that there is no relationship anymore since there has been no more contact. You might even forget how to be with each other. The chances of reconciliation grow weaker with every day you spend being apart. If it has gone too long and no one wants to admit whose fault something was, then you should just propose and agree to forget the whole thing and move on. Do not focus more on what people think of you than your own problems. If you decide to go through a charade to maintain your image as the perfect couple, that means you are choosing fake happiness over a real one and it is as foolish as it is preposterous.

You cannot just decline to discuss your issues so you can run away and hide from them. Saying that you do not wish to talk about it, you are not going to change your mind, or not saying a word are all not remotely helpful. These are not how you solve problems. Perhaps it makes you uncomfortable talking about everything. You believe and hope that the matter will settle itself or eventually disappear so you need not trouble to argue and fight over it. Nothing could be further from the truth. The problem will persist for it needs a proper solution.

If you want to hear an explanation, an apology, and a pledge from your partner concerning the problem, convey that to them. Do not just wait for them to do something because they might think that you are over it already. If you are unwilling to apologize because you maintain you did nothing wrong, your partner forced you to do it, you do not think what you did merits an apology, or any other argument you might have, then you will be forcing your partner either to accept that or to terminate your relationship. Just think about what or whom you need more: your principle or your partner.

Owning up to your faults is necessary if your partner is to understand and forgive you. Explain to them what caused you to do what you did. In doing so, do not make excuses for your actions by mentioning other people or occasions that dealt with similar situations. However, saying you are sorry is not enough at times. Your partner might need to believe that you are remorseful, contrite, and regretful for what you have done. Also, remember that buying or giving something for and to your partner is not enough as long as you do not talk about your current problem. You need to find ways to work it out and to prevent it from ever coming between you again.

Sometimes you can make it hard for each other to apologize with dignity remains intact. You might request them to utter their mistake, say that you were the one who was right, or point out the fact that none of this would have been necessary if they had just listened or said they were sorry. Coming to this decision could not have been easy for them. And for you to be so smug about it could just make them completely lose it and incite yet another and most likely bigger confrontation. No matter whose fault it was, when your partner says that they are sorry, you accept it and demand nothing more.

The best thing you can do is ask your partner to join you in reflecting upon your recent quarrel. Take a look at how your altercation went, how destructive it can be, how you hate fighting with each other, how you do not like yourself angry, and may other things. Learn from it. That is the one bright side that you can gain from this unpleasant experience. This may or may not be the first but it certainly will not be the last. It is never too soon to familiarize yourself with relationships because there are many things to take in and more practices to do.

Most of your problems are actually simple but you complicate them so you will have an excuse for not working them out and solving them. And most of the time it only takes a simple, small gesture such as an apology, a concession, forgiving and forgetting to solve a problem and move forward. One _small step for you could be one giant leap for your relationship_. Often it is not that you do not know what to do so much as lacking the courage and willingness to swallow your pride that has been holding you back from putting an end to the difficulties at hand. For you, to concede to your partner is to betray your own principle. Your biggest and worst enemy is yourself because what you want is often the opposite of what you need to do. The struggle to overcome the compulsion of your own self is one that everyone must and does face when they get into a relationship with another person. However, when you can stifle your pride to admit and apologize for your fault, your partner can perceive that as something for which they can respect you.

There are still a number of things that may also prove useful. Taking the high road can prevent you from having unnecessary arguments but from time to time you have to speak your mind and to stand by what you believe and want. Otherwise, your partner will take full advantage of it. After reconciling, give or ask for some time to find the strength to deal with your anger and to forgive your partner. You may have made up, but the emotions still linger on. You agreed to stop fighting because you knew it was for the best, not because you were no longer upset. Not everybody is good at conflict resolution naturally or immediately but you can and must learn together. Having only one expert is not going to cut it. Being patient, forgiving, understanding is vital in maintaining and nurturing a healthy, solid relationship. If you have a disagreement, seek to reach a consensus first. If that did not succeed, then just agree to disagree.

### Available Help

If you keep having problems with multiple relationships especially if they are the same ones every time, then maybe it is time you see yourself as the common denominator and start working on what you perceive as the source of the problem that is within you. To successfully get help, first you have to admit that you do need help. You simply must consider the possibility that perhaps you are unable to grasp the issue. You might keep doing the things that are hurting your relationship because you cannot stop yourself. You have to realize that the problem is just too big and complicated for you or you and your partner to handle alone. Every now and then, you do require assistance from others when emotions, raw ones especially, render you unable to think clearly and rationally and everything you do just makes matters worse.

There are a couple of reasons why you would hesitate to consult others regarding your problems. Firstly, it is hard and shameful even to have to go asking for help with your relationship to someone else; to feel like they are secretly and harshly judging you; to admit to other people that you are not capable of solving your own problems; and to hear them tell you how to maintain your relationship. Secondly, you are not going to like what you hear. Virtually no one likes to learn that they are the problem, that what they are afraid of might actually be real and true, or that there is something wrong with them. However, you should keep an open mind if only for the sake of it. Do not be too proud to ask for advice since it may tell you what to do, why you keep having problems, and why you cannot resolve or get past your conflicts.

What might prove to be the compromise to this is to seek help from someone that you can and do trust in many ways. Somebody that will not share your problem with another living soul, that will tell you what you really need to do and not what you want to hear, that will be objective and whose insight can be relied upon. It could be family or friends. Books and articles can also be helpful. But first and foremost, you should always ask yourself first. There is a chance that by reflecting on what you typically do, you can see why you do it and how you can change it.

The other option for you is a licensed professional. It is correct that the human race has survived for thousands of years without people having to go to therapy. People can solve their problems without having to analyze everything and to listen to confusing psychological stuff. Nevertheless, times have changed. The way society operates nowadays is so complicated that many people seem to need a fresh kind of support to cope. The field of psychology itself has made tremendous progress that makes it a reliable source of help for someone who wishes to understand himself or herself more, better, and deeper. Everyone has issues that they are not aware of or have not been able to work out on such as trust, intimacy, anger, abandonment, control, and so forth that professionals can help identify, explain, and solve. There is no cure for anything mental or psychological. You can only treat it and hence the therapy. It can be quite costly but it could not hurt much to try one session. It usually requires more than one but it is better than nothing.

The primary objective of this activity is for you to communicate and explain yourself and your situation to your therapist. They are trained and obligated to not laugh, judge, or patronize. They are also bound by law to keep everything you say confidential so you need not worry about anyone else knowing about it. Thus, you do not have to be scared, embarrassed, or reluctant to talk to them. They will also assist you by assuring you that it is a safe environment to talk, by letting you choose what you want to talk about, and by being calm and paying attention to you. They want you to know that you are just two people having or trying to have an open and honest dialogue. Explain your situation as clearly, honestly, and patiently as possible to the professional and answer their questions, all in order to facilitate an understanding of the underlying issue. If you do not comprehend what they are saying or agree with what they are suggesting, do not be hesitant to ask your questions and express your opinions. Help them help you to get to the bottom of your issue.

Bear in mind that therapist or psychologist can only show and point you to the best methods that you can employ to solve your problem. In the end, you have to be willing and strong to implement them. They cannot make you and they will not be angry or disappointed with you. They know that it will work best when it is voluntary. If you cannot do it right away because you do not really trust them or you doubt their advice, ask someone else for their opinion. If a third party agrees with your therapist and you cannot think of a good reason why you should not, then it is time for you to take a first step to improve yourself and in the process save your relationship.

### A System for All

Systems are vital for and advantageous to your relationship because they allow you to prevent and handle problems through various approaches. For example, you can have a discussion to settle your dispute once and for all so it will be a trouble you no more. Seek to reach an agreement that you will respect and comply with in the future so you will never have to have the same fight and altercation repeatedly. You negotiate, you compromise, and you meet each other halfway. You give something in order to get something. That is relationship. Nobody has to completely get or lose their way.

It is helpful if you can start the process by offering a concession on your part. It shows goodwill and intent to cooperate. You should also make your terms reasonable and attempt to accept the ones demanded by your partner. Listen to their request and hold yourself back from making comments, as it will accomplish nothing beneficial. Mull it over and if it seems unfair, think of good ways to get them to lower or adjust their demand. Ask them nicely if maybe they can change their mind a bit. Alternatively, you can give up something to make them more inclined to reciprocate. Just remember that in order to get, you need to give. Remind yourself to stay calm and patient since your partner could be unwilling to compromise and it could take a while before you come to a mutual understanding. When you do, shake, kiss, or toast on it.

Moreover, you can also have a deal on how to handle your future disagreements by calling a meeting to talk it over thus preventing unnecessary quarrels. When you detect or sense that something has a potential to become problematic, you should nip it in the bud before it has the chance and the time to get worse and harder to deal with. Have a discussion where each of you can express your opinion on the matter and describe what you are likely to do when facing that issue. If it turns out you do not see eye to eye on it, you can reach an agreement without arguing and tension. Propose an avenue that you can take to handle that particular situation and see what your partner thinks about it. Hear and consider their ideas so it does not turn into another squabble. If it is something that you can avert altogether, then you should decide what preventive measures to take. By establishing and following a set of rules, you will know what to do in any specific circumstances. You understand how to prevent it, you are familiar with what you are allowed to do, and you are aware of what would happen should you violate your end of the deal.

Make your own rules and system that you can adhere to when a situation presents itself. It is an option to agree on the things that you will never ask about or speak of again or ever. You could stay out of some of each other's affairs. You could acquiesce to not answering questions instead of lying. You could also agree to talk, discuss, or debate things first before or without yelling, scolding, lashing out and to say something in a polite manner when something is bothering you. You could take turns doing what each of you wants, take turns deciding who has to yield, flip a coin to determine who goes first in doing something, give each other a pass to do something every day or week, or hand each other coupons they can redeem to get something from you.

### Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Nobody likes dealing with relationship problems but you cannot just call it quits without trying to work out your issue or even discuss it. You do not just run away from your problem or expect it to go away. You have to face and tackle it because that is what grownups do. It is unpleasant, but that is what it takes to have a lasting, healthy, and successful relationship. There are good moments and there are bad times in relationships. You enjoy it when it is good and you work on it when it is bad. Just because there is pain does not mean there is no happiness. Ask yourself whether you have strived to give everything and your best for your relationship to work. If there is something that you can do but are reluctant to do it, now is the time to convince yourself again to give it a try. If that person really does mean something or so much to you, then you should make an effort to do what is required of you like trust them more, be more open and honest, be less selfish and insensitive, respect their opinions, and others.

To help you decide whether to stay in or get out, try to list all the pros and cons of your partner and of your relationship. You can start with whichever thing that springs to mind but remember that you need not focus to finish one category to move on to the other. It is likelier for you to commence with the cons as they are the reason you are doing this and it is easier to recall. They may pay less attention to you, have a short temper, or only care about themselves; they are uncommunicative, emotionally unavailable, overly critical, or verbally abusive. Now remind yourself of the reasons why you are together or strive to remember them. They could be faithful, funny, mature, or independent. You may share some similar interests, they know how to make you laugh and comfort you, they are wonderfully supportive of you, and they are a paragon of selflessness. However, if you cannot name even one or you are unsure about the ones you came up with, then you should be pondering what you are doing still being with them.

When you are finished assessing the qualities of your partner and relationship, then what you do now is examine the list. What you must know is that the number of items in either column does not indicate the answer that you are looking for. Each point weighs differently and it depends on your predilection and judgment. It does not matter if you have like twenty good traits of your partner if the one across the line is infidelity. You will find it easier to deal with or completely disregard with the bad stuff if you like what you wrote in the pro column. What you should also take into consideration is the fact that those pros and cons come as a package. It means that when you choose to be with someone you are going to see both the positive and negative sides of them. If you wish to enjoy the good, you must also accept the bad. Another individual may have fewer and more tolerable flaws than your current partner, but they may not be able to bring to the table what is on the pro side of the list.

Furthermore, it might not be such a bad idea to show your partner the list that you have compiled so they can be aware of what it is that you cannot stand about them. Not only can they see what you need them to work on, but the good things you wrote can also tell them how much you think about them. That might urge and encourage them to make an effort with the stuff with which you are having trouble.

Breaking up with your partner just because you want to be with someone else is as disloyal as it is cruel. You may justify it by saying that you do not want to cheat on them, but you should know that that does not make it any less hurtful. So is dumping someone when they are of no use to you anymore. They are human beings with feelings. Treat them as such, as if they actually matter and not just throw them away like garbage. Remind yourself that what goes around comes around. Someday you might need them to do a huge favor for you or from someone else who hears about what you did. They might just refuse you or they could make the situation even more difficult for you. Someone else could also do the same thing to you and perhaps in a more thoughtless manner. The worst thing is that it could happen to someone close to you and you have to watch him or her endure the same thing that you did to another person.

Give your relationship another shot if you believe or at least have hope that your partner can change, that you can get past whatever it is between you now, that you can actually be happy together, that everybody sometimes makes mistakes. This may just be a temporary setback that every relationship has to go through. Make some time to sit down and talk about your issue. Think of something different to do to solve that problem. Try harder this time to do what needs to be done to make it work. However, there might come a point where you are done giving chances. They might have used up or wasted all the opportunities that you granted them and you just do not see why and how the next one will be any different. You have tried being patient, considerate, strong, and forgiving but you just cannot take it anymore. Everyone has a limit to what they can put up with and how long they can do it. If you have reached that point, then you need to decide that you have had it with your partner's behavior and it is past time you look for someone better. Maybe all this time you thought you could not find someone better or they could change, but you should realize now that neither of those are true.

If you cannot work out your differences and find some common ground, then it is best to go your separate ways. When you are not happy with each other anymore and what you have tried for so long yields nothing good, then it is time to get out of the relationship. There is no point staying in a relationship or fighting for one that has failed. You can start over and may have better luck somewhere rather than sticking with the one in which you no longer want to be. You can also set your partner free so they can look somewhere else what they cannot get from you. Discuss your current situation with them so neither you nor them should wait for the other to do what you are both considering. You can make the call to move forward with your respective life together.

Begging for one more chance is futile when your partner has already made up their mind that they just cannot be with you anymore. Perhaps they simply cannot live with who you are. They might have asked you to change and you said yes to that. But sooner or later you and they have to accept the fact that you cannot change. Or they did not even bother asking because they knew the reality. You want to be with them so much but apparently not enough to push you into becoming the person with whom they can be. They might not blame you for not being able to give them what they need but they still need to find someone that can. And you should not hate yourself or them for that. They are just doing what they think is best for them and deep down you know you cannot change because you are content with who you are. You are just not suited for each other. It happens. It is not the end of the world. Go look for someone else and see where it can go with them. If they are not the right one either, then move on to the next candidate until you find the one with whom you can be compatible and comfortable.

If you do want to separate, then be an adult and tell your partner why you do not think you should be together anymore as opposed to act like an innocent. You should not push them away and force them to break up with you just so you do not have to be the bad person or feel guilty. Try explaining to them what prompted you to make this decision. Have the decency to be honest about it to show that you respect them enough to tell the truth. Do not make stuff up so they can see that you take this thing seriously and so they can better understand your reason. Tell them why you feel uncomfortable or unhappy being with them, reveal to them if you have feelings for someone else, or let them know if you see no future with them. They will be upset and angry when they are hearing this especially if they feel that everything is fine with your relationship. They may have noticed that you had been a little distant or you both have been going through a rough patch but they just thought that it is normal. You might have never told them what you are having trouble with and you completely blindsided them with this. Nevertheless, all things considered, you are doing the right thing. You are taking the time to be straight with them and thus allowing them to comprehend what went wrong.

If you can help it, make an effort to have an amicable separation so as to avoid any hard feelings. Say goodbye to your partner in person instead of leaving a message or just taking off. Everyone would be hurt and angry if someone they have been spending time with did not give them a chance to ask the reason why they broke things off or to have some closure. Wish them the best to show that you still care about their happiness. Thank them for all the wonderful and unforgettable moments you had so they know that you cherish your time together and that it was not all bad. Apologize for your shortcomings because you are not without faults yourself. Offer your thoughts as to why it did not work out between you so there is no misunderstanding and you both can learn from what happened. You can too ask if they want to remain friends if you believe that it is a good fit for you. Maybe a platonic relationship is the one for you if you like hanging out with them without having to deal with relationship stuff.

It is a lot harder being nice and civil if you are the one getting dumped. Since the decision to part ways is not mutual, you must be doing everything you can to change your partner's mind. You are refusing to hear anything they are saying about why you should not be together anymore so you can pretend it is not happening. At first, you will beg them to give you another chance to prove that you can make up for your mistakes. But when you see that their decision is final, you get mad at them for choosing to break up with you. You blame them for everything because you will not admit that the problem is you. Accept that it is over between you. Do not waste your time and energy pleading your case to someone who clearly has no intention to be with you anymore. Just because they no longer wish to be involved with you does not at all mean that there is no one else who will feel differently.

##  CHAPTER 8  
L

### Love and Hate

One can learn many things about affection from hatred. Love and hate can be so powerful that it is all that you can think and feel. It is very difficult to fight and control your emotions especially if you do not want to. You think about ways to get back at someone who have hurt you or you spend days and nights picturing the person in your mind. People do stupid things when they are besotted or when they despise somebody because emotions cloud people's judgments and inhibit rational thinking. Both can make people do things they normally would not do or ones they will regret. You want to hurt someone who have caused you harm even if it could get you in trouble. You decide to get married immediately or to agree to it without giving it a second and careful thought. Almost everyone finds it difficult to forgive and forget someone because the wound is too deep and left a scar they can always feel. Love works in the same way since you just cannot stop loving someone the moment you want to.

Love has the power to change people in better ways and so does hate in the opposite manner. When you have love in your heart, you wonder how to make someone you love happy. You too are happy since you have someone in your live that gives you joy. Hatred, on the other hand, brings out your dark side. Not only can you not stop thinking about payback, the wound that they inflicted upon you has not yet healed. You can still feel the pain and it makes you unable to move on with your life. Moreover, you do not and cannot just love or abhor someone else without a cause. They must do something for or to you first. Therefore, there is no such thing as love at first sight. What you or others experience is simply attraction or infatuation. You may not like the way someone looks, but it does not mean that you despise them as a person. Their physical appearances have nothing to do with how they can make you feel loved or with your anger toward them.

It is easier to keep on loathing somebody than to remain fond of them. _The tiniest fault can trigger the anger but the greatest proof of affection can oftentimes be insufficient_. It is also much faster to hate the people you are in love with than to love the people you detest, if not more possible. The point is, it is hating that is easy to do, whereas loving has always been hard, as it should be. There is always an excuse to hate someone but the reasons to love them run out ever so swiftly. You can also love and hate someone at the same time. It is when you want to hate them but you know you adore them and when you want to love them but they make it so very hard.

### Desperate for Love

Seeing other people in love, have someone who loves them, and how happy they are together can cause you to covet it. There is nothing wrong or shameful about that. It is good and natural that you desire that. Everyone needs love and care to know that they matter. They want to be with someone so that they are not alone. They and you may already have families and parents that care about you, but that is not enough for you as you are looking for something different. You want to start something new with someone new because there are things that the aforementioned parties cannot provide you. The kind of connection that you are hoping to establish is a romantic one. Some people, however, search for love for a different reason. They have not felt it in quite some time or ever and they long for it. And in some cases it is not about being desperate for love in general but for someone's affection in particular. Whichever the reason is, you do and become everything that it takes for someone to give you love.

You consider and are willing to do anything against your principle and better judgment to make someone, namely your partner, love you. You let them make decisions for you and for the relationship. You might even allow them to form a relationship with someone else while they are still with you so you do not lose them completely. You do, risk, and sacrifice anything for the sake of having desirable physical features because in your mind, that is the only or best way to get someone's attention and affection. You pretend to be someone you are not so as to be accepted by them. People tend to try to give what they think others want from them because they do not believe that they have a good chance with offering their real selves. But there is only so much you can do or buy with money to make someone love you. They will love merely the things and not you, they will always want more, and they will exploit you. People also change and improve themselves mostly in the wrong and unnecessary ways. What they are supposed to be working on is their character, behaviors, and issues since those are the things that usually come between couples.

When you are so desperate for affection, you cannot see the difference between a genuine, permanent love and a fake, temporary one. You have never had someone who truly cares about you so you try to do everything to get and hold on to the person that can fulfill your need. In addition, even if you can win over their "affection", you will not be able to trust them enough to love or see the real you. You will realize that they only love you for your beauty and your conforming to their standards and preferences. You ignore the signs that they just want something from you, that their heart lies somewhere else, that they never plan to stay with you forever. They become unhappy when you refuse them something, they only speak what you want to hear and show what you wish to see, they do not want to be closer to you than they already are, they ask a whole lot more than they give, and they do not like people knowing about you two. It is your belief that you want to make them happy but in truth, you _need_ to make them happy to give them an incentive to stay. You give everything, tolerate them to a fault, and sacrifice your own happiness all for the _illusion_ of being loved. But you keep convincing yourself that it is still better than having no one and that you will take what you can get.

### First Love

Learning how and starting to love yourself for who you are is extraordinarily imperative for several reasons. Firstly, you cannot expect other people to love you if you cannot and will not do it yourself. It is normal for you to fear that you have nothing for which someone can love you. You may not be good-looking, rich, smart, popular, talented, or possess any other features that can encourage you to like yourself. You feel like you have nothing that you can be proud of because you cannot get the things that can make you feel good about yourself. You want comeliness, skill, wealth, or attainment. You do not want to love yourself for the fine qualities that you already possess or are simpler to acquire as you choose to believe that they are not important or enough. You should be glad for and proud of your fine features such as compassion, sincerity, courage, kindness, courtesy, humility, among others. Love your passion for sports, music, literature, science, etc and try to be good at it to see that it is something to be delighted with. You can help someone finding something about you to love by showing them what makes you pleased and satisfied with yourself.

Quit telling yourself that you are not worthy of love. Maybe you have just never had someone who is concerned about your well-being. The lack of attention, caring, and support may have led you to believe that no one cares about you. At first, you questioned what is wrong with you that nobody had ever shown an interest. People only seemed to notice and be nice to you when they wanted something out of you. You tried to present more to people what it is about you that they could love but you got nothing. At last, you became assured that you simply did not deserve love. However, just because you have not met someone who can give you affection does not mean you cannot be self-sufficient. You never actually have no one to love you until you do not love yourself. Get to know yourself better and improve your life so you can find something of your own to be happy about. It is going to be much trickier to love someone when you do not have any idea what it feels like to be loved.

Secondly, loving others will be even much more difficult. Thus, you can see this as a lesson and use it to practice on how to love and what makes loving somebody hard. Not only will you have some insight, you will also gain experience. When you succeed, you can apply the same method later with different object, i.e. your romantic partner. Find ways to love who you are and stop wanting to change yourself. It is too easy and quick to detect something that you do not like about yourself. You can deny, ignore, fight, hide, loathe it but it is not going anywhere. And you do not want to quit that losing battle because you cannot deal with the ugly and harsh reality. But you can never be happy pretending to be someone else or expecting to live a different life. Learn to accept your limitations, live with your flaws, embrace your true nature, and forgive yourself for your mistakes. They are things about yourself that you hate but you cannot change.

Thirdly, by striving to love yourself, you can see and feel what it would be like for others to try to love you. You can identify what improvements and adjustments you need to make to be a better, more lovable individual. But you must be able to distinguish which ones you need to and can change and which ones you just have to accept. If it has nothing or little to do with the success of a relationship, then forget about it. Try not to love yourself for your looks because not only can you hardly feel good enough about it, people will never love you for that, either. Maturity is something that most people look for in someone. Many also deem loyalty significant.

One certain thing that can persuade people to want and start loving you is your ability to love and the way you show it. In order to comprehend its significance, you must first wonder and ponder why you would ever want or need to love someone else. Millions of people are searching for love without even attempting to understand it or find the reason behind it. Loving someone is challenging, to say the least. Yet people are willing to go to all that trouble because they are expecting something in return. Truth is, people do not want to or need to love. What they long for is either to be loved or the experience of loving. Occasionally it is both. People make other people happy so they can be happy. You are no different either and that is okay. _Love is selfish_. In its defense, though, it is the good kind of selfish. Now ask yourself if you can love another person other than your own self. Not as much, of course, but at least care enough about them to trouble yourself over their welfare. Can you make their joy part of your pleasure? Have you the capacity for love?

Moreover, the last but certainly not the least, if and when you are able to love yourself, you will no longer be desperate for someone else's. Perchance by doing this you can be free from the need of ever being loved by someone and having somebody will be merely for companionship. You can depend on yourself to feel happy and you do not have to be too disappointed if it turns out they cannot love you. Should you be able to succeed, you will discover that there is no love as strong, deep, unconditional, and unending as the love you have for yourself.

### Afraid of Love

There are people who are lucky to feel and enjoy love so purely and freely in their lives. Love is simple for them because they believe that love only brings and means good things. However, there are those who are broken and damaged who always attempt to be cautious when it comes to the matter of the heart. You may be trying so hard not to get attached to someone or not to confess it because you do not want them to own, control, or use you. You feel that as soon as your partner finds out you need them, they can threaten to leave you should you refuse them something. You perceive relationship as a power struggle where the champion obtains more control of the relationship. Therefore, you do things to ensure that you do not come out as the loser. You keep your distance, you repress and deny your feelings, you pretend to not care, and you wait for them to surrender.

You also know too well that once you care about someone, you will feel sadness for and with them and your happiness will depend on theirs. You realize that it hurts to care and you want to be as far away as possible from anguish. You do not want to worry about their health, fear for their safety, and you cannot bear losing them. It has never been your favorite thing seeing people suffer and you just do not know how you can handle doing it with someone you love. To you, loving someone means experiencing pain. You cannot enjoy the good times because you are constantly afraid of the inevitable and unbearable arrival of sorrow. You have associated love with fear and sadness and that prevents you from enjoying it.

You put up walls and hide your feelings behind them so no one can ever get close enough to cause you pain. You hesitate to give your heart to someone for you dread that they might break it someday. They might disappoint, betray, or hurt you and you would have but yourself to blame then. Thinking ahead simply persuades you that it is safer not to trust them completely ever and to plan for the worst. Being pessimistic allows you to be ready and not to feel stupid for believing otherwise. Though you are wishing and will be more than glad to be proven wrong.

Telling yourself that you cannot love someone will only make you want him or her more. The more you resist it, the more it grows stronger. Whenever you say no at the thought of them, your mind will almost automatically respond and oppose by asking why not. It is kind of like when your parents are forbidding you to do something and it just makes you want to do the exact opposite of that. Either by an external or an internal force, you cannot be told to do something and just agree to it. You have to have the feeling that you can and do make the decision on your own, that you are in control. If you are afraid to fall for someone, if you think they are not right for you, just learn to love them more because it will not take long before you discover something that will disappoint you. That never fails.

It terrifies you once your partner starts showing their love to you because you have never felt loved before or in a very long time, you think that they are up to something, or they might see you as a charity case. You do not want to be naïve to believe that someone just spontaneously decide to be fond of you. You have lost faith in love, yourself, and others. You do not perceive this development as a time to celebrate but rather to defend. You do not want to let yourself be a fool by instantly, entirely, carelessly enjoying this situation. As tempting as it is to succumb, you just cannot push yourself to do it. You can still feel the presence of the fear lurking and waiting to catch you when you least expect it. You do not want to end up getting hurt if it turns out that their "love" is for the wrong reason. You fear the prospect of the pain that will come when someone has a change of heart, rejects you, or gets bored with you.

Your fear of love could also come from your shame of having committed many terrible things. You wonder why you are getting affection in place of punishment. You might have failed to take into account the possibility that you did not do those awful things to your partner and the fact that your guilt and contrition cause you to act better and nicer. You should know that your guilt, regret, and shame are your very punishments. And as if those are not enough, they will make you believe that you do not deserve to be loved and therefore you will be miserable forever.

All of the situations above stem from either fear or trust. Love is a risky and tricky business because it involves the heart. The heart can get hurt easily and badly. You cannot force it to feel or to not feel something. It takes time and process for the heart to change its mind about something. It needs to be calmed, led, and assured by words and actions of yours and of your partner's. Love should be pulling you closer and not tearing you apart. And though love may not be a necessary quality in a relationship, it can certainly add some excitement into it.

### What You Want Is Not What You Get

From time to time you may not feel like you are loved because you are expecting a different manifestation of love. You are disappointed with your partner's love because it is nothing like what you imagined and hoped for. You want to spend time with them, but they are always busy with something else. They buy you things to make you happy, but it is them you want. Those are just a couple of instances of how your idea of love may differ from that of your partner. You believe that loving someone means giving everything they demand, engaging in physical contact with them, proclaiming your love for them, accepting them for who they are, and being at their constant beck and call. In contrast with that, your partner may think that people who are in love can still disagree, that love should not make someone do what they do not want to do, and that love need only be felt and not be put into words.

Everyone has different definition and perception of love that determine how he or she deals with it. They have their own way in expressing their love. It might be the one form of love that they recognize, they do not have much time for love, or it is as far as they can go without sacrificing themselves. They are just doing what they can. Maybe they can only love you in that particular fashion but at least they adore you. You cannot program them to do whatever you want exactly the way you want it. You have to select between a love and no love. You cannot have it both ways.

Accept the reality that they love themselves more and come to terms with the fact that their love for you is not as much, deep, and sincere as yours for them. It may be hard to swallow, but that is what you have to do if you want their love. It could be because they have known themselves longer, they are still attempting and learning to love you, they are in the process of figuring out how they can accept your unattractive sides, they still do not know they love you or have forgotten that, or they are having feelings for someone else. Whichever it is, rather than complaining and making it harder for them, you can have a talk with them to discuss it. You can admit and explain what you are feeling, ask one another if there is something you can do, and reach an accord regarding the situation at hand. Do not make them choose between themselves and you because they will always pick the former. Moreover, if you have not seen much to be convinced that they do love you, try to believe that they have probably just never let you see it but when the time is perfect, they will prove it to you.

Start opening your eyes to signs of their love because maybe they have been in front of you all along but you just did not realize it. They want to spend time with you, they ask how you are doing, they want to know more about your life, they listen when you talk, they remind you to eat, they warn you about your bad habits, they accept your flaws, they are always there for you when you need them, and they never leave you despite everything. That is not how someone who does not love you would act. Who cares if they never declare their love with words? Does it really matter that they cannot be sweet, romantic, and gentle? Is it so horrible that they nag you to do something that is for your own good? What if they never once ask from you something in return? What more could you possibly want? If you do not think that it is enough then there must be something wrong with you. You should be ashamed of yourself for being such an ingrate.

You ought to deliberate the possibility that loving you is no walk in the park. It could be that you always have to have your way, you only think of yourself, you are cold, you are obsessed with work, and so forth. You might never even do anything for them, let alone show them you love them. So you should consider yourself lucky that they have not left you. Tell yourself that having love in your life is more than enough and learn to be thankful for it before it is gone and you will have to do with nothing. They may be okay with it now, but do not make it easier for them to wake up and do the smart thing. Assure them that their love has not gone unnoticed. Do not let them feel unvalued or underappreciated. Be nicer to them, buy something for them, thank them for their love and patience, and apologize for taking them for granted all this time.

It is normal for you to decide to do something about it if you feel tired of living this way. You seek to persuade them to be more of your liking through various means. You lay a guilt trip on them, you threaten to leave them, or you merely present a rational argument. You suggest what they can start doing and they might go along with it because they really want to see and make you happy. Nevertheless, even if you can successfully push your partner to love you differently, it is just going to be an act and not love. And seeing you being pleased over their misery will only make them resent you for coercing them. Moreover, it will not last long. People need to love in their own free way so that it can feel like loving and not pretending. They can also feel happy about it and not pressured. If they have to follow some sort of guideline, they will grow sick of it and will decide to be done with it.

### Showtime

_Some people express their love with words, some show with action, others prove with both, but most hide their true feelings_. However, you cannot and should not expect your partner to just understand and accept the way you love them. Give them some evidence of the fact that you do hold them dear because in their eyes and heart it may not look or feel that way at all. Saying you love someone is meaningless as long as you cannot demonstrate it. It is never enough solely to utter the words. It is easy to say things. Consider showing your love the way they would want you to once in a while. They can be immensely surprised, pleased, and happy to know that you care about them enough to do it. The problem with hiding your feelings and not showing them every now and then is that maybe they are not so much hidden as gone. And perhaps it is going to take some time for your partner to see your love for them. They may not realize right away that it is how you display your love, it is concealed behind your lack of availability, or because they are preoccupied with other things.

In the end, what matters is not how you display it but the fact that you do show it. And do not wait or delay it for too long. Sometimes you can be too late to prove your love to someone. You could lose your chance in the blink of an eye and you would live in regret for the rest of your life. What if you never get a chance to tell them how you really feel and to show them how much they mean to you? You keep them waiting and hoping now because you can never find the strength to do it. Surely, you would want them to know that you do love them. You do not want to spend many moments in the future wondering if they knew you loved them because you had never made it evident.

At times people will ask you to show your love by doing something for them because they are sure you will do it and they want to take advantage of it. They know that in some way you have to prove your love if they are to believe that you are not just saying things. They will say things like it is what people do for someone they love, love can only be evinced by doing big, hard, things, many other people do it, love requires trusting your partner, and lots of various things to get you to do something. Your partner has the right to demand to see something that can support your claim. However, if they are being sincere, they will give you a chance and time to come up with something on your own. If they do not get how it expresses affection, they will allow you to explain it to them. If they are not fully satisfied with it, they might ask you to do another thing to reassure them.

You need to love in a manner that feels right and comfortable for you. You need not love someone like the way it is in stories, fairytales, television, or movies because those are fantasies and you live in real world where not everything is romantic, cute, sweet, perfect, happy, and beautiful. You should not blame or hate yourself if you cannot love someone in a gentle, warm, direct fashion. You may not hold hands, cuddle, kiss, tease, call each other nicknames, say 'I love you', have eye contact, or do any other touchy-feely stuff; but as long as you and they know how you feel, then it should be enough. When you do things for them, you share their pain and joy, and you put up with them, it shows that you care. Remind yourself instead that what you feel toward them is love and it is a great thing.

### Loving Someone

Everyone wants to be loved, but they cannot, will not, or find it hard to love another person. They need to judge someone first before they decide whether to love them. They need to see some agreeable characteristics so they can base their love on those things. They see flaws, weaknesses, differences as reasons to reject someone because they want it to be easy. But love is hard, blind, irrational, and stupid. Love should be unconditional. Someone can do hundreds of things to disappoint and hurt you and still you will not change your mind because you adore them. They may never show their love or love you back, but you settle for that one-way street. They are far from perfect, but you know there is good in them and love them for it. You may not love them on account of their choices and actions, yet what they mean to you is why you love them. They may be the center of your world, the meaning and purpose of your life, the symbol of your happiness, or someone with whom you choose to be. _That is the difference between loving someone as a person and loving only certain qualities of theirs or specific features in general_.

Try loving the people that have already been in your life first before moving on to someone new. It is not realistic for you to expect that you can love someone you barely know more than the ones you have known longer: your parents, your grandparents, your siblings, or any other people you consider loved ones. People whose love for you has already been proven and to whom you still cannot give the affectionate treatment they are worthy of. You seem to be able to ignore and forget them now that they have given you the love you need. It never appeared important to you to endeavor to love them back or even to show a modicum of appreciation of their affection. They did not beg for it, have not asked for it, and will never request it. They have weaknesses, they make mistakes, they can be hard to deal and live with, but they care about you, notwithstanding. You are not without flaws yourself, and yet their love remains. Even so, you are more eager to look for more and new love in another person who requires to be loved if they are to love you back. A romantic partner has many promises but also poses various risks. For all the passion and intimacy they offer, they may not be as loving, patient, loyal, and strong as the ones you knew first. With an outsider, you have chances as well as take them.

You need to pinpoint someone's attributes that can make you love them or that has made you love them. Keep in mind that some qualities cannot prevent you from stop loving someone. Thus, if you want to love someone always, you had better find a stronger reason than appearances. Find something different and unique about your partner that is not their looks as there are millions others who are better than they are and can easily tempt you. There has to be something or some things that make you fond of them for you are still with them after all this time. Since you have been with them for a while, you must have seen, noticed, and sensed something about them that you like. They are not all their physical features. You have talked with them, gone to places with them, and learned things about them.

There is a multitude of reason to love someone. They may have a good sense of humor, you love how they get curious about things, and they exude positive energy that makes you comfortable around them. You might like their notion and practice of simple life, they make it easy for you to try new things, you can count on them to be there for you, their strength in putting up with your behavior, and so forth. Think of what makes them attractive and intriguing to you, how they have transformed your life, and how you have been happier since you met them.

There is no such thing as love at first sight. You do not just love someone since you need to learn how to love him or her. What you feel during the early period of your relationship is merely attraction and passion. You feel like you love someone because you do not know them yet. The difference between loving someone and believing that you love someone is how much you have seen the real them and the time you have spent together. If you give it some time, you can see for yourself why it can be so difficult to love them. People will always make it very taxing to love them because they are their own selves: a human with needs, choices, and thoughts that are different from yours. Loving someone is a never-ending struggle because you keep discovering things that can make you doubt your affection and lose your determination. It is hard to stay in love with someone when you finally see his or her unattractive sides but seeing it earlier will not make it any easier. You are fooling yourself if you think that romance will make everything easier. It will not magically alter or erase some difficult traits of your partner's.

Someone can be very lovable but it does not mean in any way or degree that they can or want to love someone else. They can be incredibly attractive, super nice, extremely charming, unbelievably adorable, or everything you have ever wanted in your dream man or woman. It still does not mean, show, or prove that they are capable of love. Never have those things ever had any bearing on somebody's abilities and willingness to love, which essentially and ultimately is something that you desire from them. They can only affect your feelings toward that individual. Those things cannot make you feel loved and they certainly do not promise that that person do, can, or want to love you back. _It is who you are, how you act, and what you do that can influence their decision to be fond of you_. And, of course, someone you regard as unlovable can change your feelings if you give them a chance. If you wait longer and look deeper, you might notice something about them that you like.

You can believe you love someone because they flatter and give you everything you ask for, but the truth is you are just pleased and happy with yourself. When you feel that you love someone because you can pull their strings, what you actually love is your control over them. They are your pets or toys that you can throw away the minute they stop being dutiful and sweet. They are scared of you leaving them or being mad at them that they let you dominate them. You treat them nicely when you are in a good mood, but all hell breaks loose when something ticks you off. You do not allow them to do what they want and you do not care what they are feeling. You use, abuse, intimidate, and manipulate. You do not love them. You have never loved them and you never will. To _love is to help, to support, to free, to understand, to give, and to accept_.

It is totally okay if you do not have romantic feelings for someone even after having spent a long time together. You might constantly find yourself bored with or confused about them and you do not seem to share an interest in pretty much anything. You and they encounter difficulty every time you try to think of something fascinating to talk about. When you do chat, it mostly revolves around the same topics and you quickly become tired of it. You are aware that they are a lovely person and that you should be able to like them, yet you cannot. You need passion and excitement in addition to kindness and devotion if you are to love them. If you need to love someone, then it is not love. _You cannot make your heart love someone just as much as you cannot force someone to love you_. Love someone because you feel love and not so they will love you back.

Sometimes the person you love or you think you love just does not feel the same way. And when it comes to the affair of the heart, there is only little, if anything, that you can do about it. However, you and they can decide if you want to stay together despite that one miniscule glitch. If you can live in harmony with each other, then that alone should be enough. Just because you do not love each other presently does not mean you despise or will not grow to adore one another sometime in the future.

It takes a long time and a great deal of patience to learn to love someone but other things can take up most of your time. There are also too many distractions that divert your focus and attention so you barely have some quality time to work on examining, nurturing, strengthening, or rediscovering your feelings. Whether it is work, hobby, or family, you can easily be deprived of the moments necessary to achieve any one of these aims. You require time to think about someone, to know them, to be with them, to do things with them, to remember things about them, to find strength to accept them. Time is essential for you to figure out how you feel about them, to convince yourself to keep trying, to remind yourself of your love for them, and to discuss with them your struggle to love them. Love needs time to blossom but that does not mean you just wait for it. If you do so, it will climb and reach its peak only to descend and crash.

##  CHAPTER 9  
The Next Level

### Questions

Questions come when doubt arises. Whenever there is doubt, fear is there. Fear is brought upon by something dangerous, threatening, and frightening. Then why does thinking about something happy like marriage make some so terribly afraid? The answer is it is because marriage is a scary thing. A wedding is beautiful and joyful, whereas a marriage is messy, complicated, and difficult. It requires a lot of work, it brings mostly headache and heartache, and it can also fail. Nevertheless, there is a ray of hope amidst that vast darkness of fear. After all, marriage does offer some benefits.

What you can do to deal with this is answer the questions on your mind. The fewer of them you have, the less doubtful you will feel. Subsequently, it is going to be a lot easier for you to face your fear. Yet it does not have to stop there. You could look for other questions too. You may not have thought of them at all, but that does not mean they are not relevant or important. There are numerous and various things you will find enlightening and helpful if you are to study them. It could be things about yourself, your partner, your relationship, the marriage, the future, and so forth. The more questions you ask and answer, the more ready you can be.

The first matter you have to think about is the reason. It is of the utmost importance because it says what you want from marriage and how you will handle it. If you just want to play house like others, then try living together for a month to see what it feels like. Chances are, by the end of week two you will have had several fights. Routines, habits, preferences, and responsibilities can cause trouble in paradise. Or perhaps it feels right or it makes sense since you have been together for so long. If it has been that long, then ask yourself what stopped you from tying the knot a long time ago? There is a possibility that both of you feel trapped in the relationship but neither are willing to talk about it or terminate it.

If it is an attempt to rekindle or salvage one, do yourself a favor and save some time, money, and trouble from getting a divorce. If you are sick of and bored with each other now, how do you think seeing each other more will be able to fix that? Instead of adding new problems, you should endeavor to work out and move past your current issues. You can make sure your partner can never leave you by espousing them, but they can always cheat on you. If you want to be together forever, you are already together. No one can separate you save yourselves.

The right reason should be the one that can help ensure that the marriage will last. You want to make your unity official and celebrate that occasion with the people you love. You wish to announce to the world that you have decided to spend the rest of your lives together. In marriage, you will have someone who will never leave you. Spending the rest of your life with someone may seem, sound, and feel like a difficult thing at times, but it is not all bad. _Career finishes, friends move, children go, life changes, but spouses stay together_. You will never have to say goodbye to your better half until death parts you. If you wish to spend a very long time with somebody, like doing things with them, and have special and close connection to them, then marriage can guarantee that it need not end.

Your motive for not wanting to take the plunge is just as significant. If you do not want to get married, ask yourself why. You might be afraid that you have to get a divorce or you will not be able to get out of it should it not work out. If you are not married then you can just break up and start something new. Every marriage is bound to have its own share of bumpy rides and yours will be no exception. But you have to believe in your relationship and solidify it. You can wait to get married until you are fully and safely prepared because you will be ready.

You might also be afraid that you cannot be the husband or wife that your partner deserves and hopes for. You are concerned about disappointing or embarrassing them. Well, the solution is not to give up. The fact that you are thinking about their interest shows that you are good for them. If you do want to be with them, then let them decide and make sure they will not regret picking you. Or you might still be having problem with commitment. You remain unsure that your partner is the one with whom you want to get old. If you know, however, that you do not want to lose them, then it is all the answer you need.

After you mulled over and answered the matter of reason, there are some things that you still ought to ponder before deciding to bring up marriage or in order to be prepared for that talk. Do you see yourself as someone who is qualified to enter a marriage? As a spouse of someone, you need to be one who is faithful, responsible, strong, supportive, honest, trusting, considerate, patient, and gentle. There are so many of them because someone should get the best from the person whom they choose to wed. Are you now able to settle your disagreements in a peaceful manner? It is fine to have disputes as long as you can figure out some ways to settle them without hostility involved. When you live together, altercations will occur a lot more often over many things so it will be beneficial if you are already experienced in conflict resolution. Moreover, how well do you really know your partner? There may be things about your partner you are yet to discover that you will have trouble adjusting to. They may not be who they say they are. It is very possible they are not as nice and good as they have led you to believe.

Do you not have something else that you want to do, pursue, or realize? You still have your whole life ahead of you. It will be a lot more difficult to focus on something when you are living with people on a regular basis, taking care of them, or supporting them. Are you generally happy with each other? Ask yourself if even with the many ordeals you have dealt with you can still be happy with them. In marriage, it is going to be much more and harder and knowing you could be happy could help. You also need to make sure you know how to make each other happy, you enjoy being with one another, and you can be happy together rather than at the expense of the other.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with only them? Can you? Life is short but the rest of your life can feel like eternity if you are stuck with one person. You can no longer be with someone else and you will get tired, sick, bored of them for hundreds of times over the years. _You may want to get married now, but you may not always want or be able to stay being married_. Do you share similar notion regarding offspring? Being a parent can be a deal breaker if one of you does not want it while the other one does. You may not be aware of what you are signing up for or if you are cut out for it. You may not be fully aware of the things you have to do as a spouse. It is possible also that you have not given a lot of thought into how your life will change when you get married.

Sometimes you just cannot help yourself to start thinking about getting hitched so very soon in the relationship. You are so crazy in love with each other, you cannot spend one moment apart, you want to be together for good, you believe they are the one, and you think love is the answer to everything. You ignore the importance of having enough money to get by while there actually is a saying for it: when poverty comes in at the door, love flies out of the window. When your mind is busy dealing with emotions and feelings, it is not able to think straight and think ahead. Therefore, you cannot rely upon it to make smart decisions. Though it is nothing to be embarrassed about or to blame yourself for. You simply act based on what you feel and what you want. Humans do that.

However, humans can also make mistakes from time to time. In your case, it has something to do with your decision to get married. You can be too young to get spliced but you can never be too old to do it. You might not have put serious thought into what you want from life, you may not realize now what you will be giving up, or you are not ready to handle responsibilities. Then again, your marriage might still fail even if you wait for years or when you are older. If you have not changed things about you that people cannot stand, then the outcome will be the same. It has never been about the age of the couple. It is about the readiness of the partners, the strength of the relationship, and the timing of the matrimony.

This is all not to discourage, dissuade, or frighten you. It is to help you make an informed decision and reap its benefits. Marriage is a huge deal. You need to spend a lot of time thinking about it. You must get yourself familiar with what usually happens in it. You have to consider and prepare for every potential risk. You do not want to have to regret it for the rest of your life. Getting married is the easiest part of the whole process. What is difficult is contemplating and going through the marriage. You can too easily have a marriage, a spouse, and a family. But _what you and everyone else desire is a happy marriage, a wholesome family, and a loving wife or husband_. Anyone can get the former. In fact, anyone does have it. To enjoy the latter, however, there is work and time required, there will be challenges and obstacles to overcome, and there is nothing less to be expected.

Confer with your friends and family as well as with those of your partner's so they can give some advice to you. They can offer their thoughts about why you are not ready to get married, help you overcome your doubt and fear, give you something important to ruminate, or even tell you why you should not marry someone. The point is, you have to listen to what they have to say. You came to them for a reason. You wanted a second opinion to make sure you will not be making the wrong call, you required help resolving your uncertainties, or you needed someone you can talk to and who wants to listen. Moreover, you are certain that you can trust them. And that trust will be put to test when they say something that you do not like. Take into account the fact that they want what is best for you, that they do not want to see you get hurt, and that they are just trying to help. On a related note, this could also be the opportunity to make known your intentions of asking your partner's hand in marriage or of planning to accept the proposal.

### The Future

You do not just propose to someone or tell him or her that you are ready to get married. You have to discuss it at length first. Look or wait for the opportune moment to bring up the topic. The best time to do it is when things are going well between you two after you have spent quite some time together. You have been getting to know each other, having a fantastic time, and working out your issues. You might also want to consider the current professional status of yours and your partner's. You had better make certain first that you and they are satisfied with your career and you can handle everything at work perfectly. You both certainly could do without any additional and unnecessary stress that a marriage discussing and a wedding planning will bring. It will be easier to have a discourse about this matter if you are both in a good place personally and professionally. You can have adequate time to talk, you have no trouble to upset and distract you, and you are essentially ready to address this subject.

You need to say what you are thinking regardless of how you believe it will be taken or construed by your partner. Speak now or forever hold your peace starts at this time. Inform them about the doubts and reservations you have been having concerning marriage. Tell them all about the questions you have been contemplating. Maybe you think it would be best if you earn some more money first before getting married so you can afford it when one of you has to stay at home. And do tell them if you do not want to be the one doing the housekeeping. Say something if you are reluctant to partially or completely give up some parts of your life for the marriage so you could start making living arrangements. It could be talking and hanging out with your friends, living in a certain place, or any other things you feel you cannot live without. State your worry pertaining to your future in-laws if you have any. Maybe you are uncomfortable around them, they never seem to welcome you, or they do not like what you do for a living. If you do not believe in marriage anymore, bring it to their attention so they can have a chance to attempt to restore your faith in it and in your relationship.

Tell them what kind of future you have in mind so you and they can see if you can be in it together. Describe to them what you imagine yourself do, where you see yourself live, how many children you want to have or if you want to, and so on. If you have not thought about it, then you should start now. Your partner deserves and needs to know what they can look forward to if they are to marry you. That will enable them to compare it to their own, to discuss with you the differences of both plans, and to finally decide whether they want to build a life with you. They will not merely adjust their whole future just to accommodate yours. They should not have to. Marriage is for people who share some common goals such as having children and starting a family. Therefore, you had better make sure that you and they want the same things before it is too late. In other words, marriage is not for those who are in love but for the ones who pursue similar things in life.

On the other hand, you should manage your expectations and brace yourself for dealing with difficult things. There will be stuff you do not really expect to hear and face in this discussion. For that reason, you should take some necessary steps to guarantee that this talk can be productive and useful. You must make it a priority not to pressure your partner in any way, knowingly or unknowingly. It is not just about your life and future as it is also theirs. Do not lead them to give the answer that you want. Allow them to be able to express their opinions and articulate their feelings openly, freely, and calmly so you can comprehend their situation. Let them know they can tell you the truth but also be willing and strong to hear it. Rather than rushing them, give them some time to think and come up with an answer. Grant them a chance to elaborate their answer and to explain their case and pay heed to it. Knowing and understanding this, you can inquire them the questions you have asked yourself or entirely different ones to assess their readiness to marry.

The first thing you should ask is if they are ready to get married. Whether the answer is a yes or a no, do ask them for their reason. Find out why either way so you can decide what to do. If they agree to wed you, you should make sure that they are absolutely ready, fully prepared, and well suited for it. Otherwise, it is just going to be a disaster. Pick some issues and let them present their thoughts about those. If their replies raise your doubt, allow them to try to diminish it. You could also use this opportunity to go into your own concerns. Who better to turn to than the one you will be marrying? And if it turns out that they are not prepared, then you should see it as a good thing. It is better not to be ready for the right reasons than to be ready for the wrong ones. Having a future spouse help you or supporting them can positively make you both ready to be together and to rely upon each other.

Do not immediately question your partner's loyalty and commitment when they turned down your proposal or could not provide a straight answer. Think about or at least listen to their argument and defense. Otherwise, it will seem like you want a marriage more than being with your partner. Just because you are ready first does not mean that your partner should follow directly or meekly. Your overreacting will just add to or support their grounds for not saying yes. Try helping them dealing with their confusion, uncertainties, and fears by hearing them out, offering your view, suggesting a solution, and becoming a better partner. And if you are the one who does not really want to get married or be married to your partner, do not keep stalling to have a discussion or give a final decision. They have the right to know what the future with you holds or if there is even one. Besides, they will demand a definitive answer eventually because they want to be sure that they are not wasting their time going nowhere with you.

The goal of having this conversation is to determine if and how you can be one forever. And in order to achieve this purpose, you have to talk, listen, ask, answer, reveal, think, and discuss everything pertaining to your relationship and your future. By getting it all out in the open, you can find a solution, work up a compromise, and proceed to marriage. Every now and then, this dialogue can end with a proposal and an engagement. But only if there have been many that took place before or you are just in agreement with everything. Should you continue to fail to reach an agreement over something significant, however, there is no reason to continue the relationship.

You should both take some time to think over what you had talked about after you finished the first discussion. This dialog could occur more than one time if you both still have something to talk about. And you should. One colloquy is not going to be sufficient to determine what directions you should take. You could also agree to revisit the subject when you have reached a certain level in your relationship and spent a considerable amount of time together to know each other better. You want to be able to make the best decision for one of the biggest steps in your life. Make sure you are always on the same page on this thing and keep communicating whenever needed. At times, one of you might have doubts or get afraid again and it is the other's job to talk them through it.

### The Big Day

Everybody wants his or her wedding day to be as big, memorable, beautiful, spectacular, and perfect as possible. However, expectations like that can bring too much burden for everyone involved. A wedding party should be about sharing your joy with other people on your special day. It should not be the reason you spend unnecessary time, energy, and funds for. If you cannot control it or know how to, soon your enthusiasm will grow into obsession. You must not let the wedding planning and preparation become the source of too much stress and eventually the reason you have arguments with your partner. They may just be concerned and worried that the wedding stuff has taken too much of your time and made you hysterical.

Preparation need not always be related to wedding things. You should also look for improvements that you can make in other areas that you are still weak at or you lack of. Every so often, you can be too busy organizing the nuptials that you forget to give enough attention to the more important things such as the strength of your relationship, your understanding as well as connection with each other, or the changes that will occur and the adjustments you must make once married.

As an engaged couple planning a wedding, the first order of business is picking a date. Then you need to list everyone you want to invite and send out the invitations to let them know. Do it at least a month prior to the wedding so they can plan to attend. What is next is to pick a venue for the reception. It could be indoor or outdoor, depending on your preference and the season. Once that is settled, you can continue with devising a menu for the wedding feast. There must be one for it is to celebrate your happy day. You must let the guests get a taste of your gratitude and happiness. Singing and dancing are also an essential part of the party since they bring, symbolize, and celebrate happiness. And that concludes all that needs to be taken care of.

If your financial situation does not allow you to spend big, the most important thing to do is to invite just a small number of people. Fewer guests mean fewer invitations, smaller and cheaper building, and less food and drink. In planning a wedding, it would be better if you have a budget and stick to it rather than to get everything you want and plan a budget based on it. You should not spend all or a large portion of your capitals for one shindig. The money can be earmarked for other, more useful things. You do not want things to go downhill from here on out. Some people would rationalize that everyone should get a magnificent wedding if it can make them happy for there are many days to be miserable. But the more you spend, the more you need to make, the longer you have to struggle, and the riskier your future will be.

As it is getting closer to your nuptial, there is a good chance you will freak out. You might have a sudden fear telling you that you still need time to be prepared, you could be questioning whether you are doing the right thing by getting married, or you are not confident that you can handle such big change in your life. If it does in fact happen, speak directly to your betrothed instead of to or through others. This is another test for your communication skills and teamwork. It will give them a chance to prove, once again, whether they can be a great spouse to you. It is only fair and right.

If you are worried that you are going to make a giant mistake marrying them, why should not they be the one to endeavor to get your faith in them? Moreover, should your future husband or wife get cold feet, what you must do first is remain cool. Do not let yourself overreact because the last thing they need is more tension. Allow them to talk about what they are feeling so you can figure out what they need to hear. Take a stab at giving them your best answer and since you cannot guarantee or predict the future, give them a shot of confidence to face their fear and doubt. There is no use convincing them a hundred times if they are just looking to be afraid again.

You should try to write your own vow. You can use it in place of or in addition to that of a typical marriage ceremony. You can say it before, during, or after the ceremony, to one another only or in front of others. Saying two words as a reply to a bunch of words you have heard so many times is too easy. You probably do not even waste breath thinking about it. Maybe by knowing how hard it is to write a meaningful vow, you can realize how much harder it is going to be to keep it. And if you cannot dedicate some time to write it, how much time can you spend honoring it? You can take it more seriously if it comes from your own mind and heart. Furthermore, if you write your own vow, then you can laminate it and keep it for yourself. You can look at it and be reminded of it every day. These words will not just marry you. They will be the things that keep you together. If you can do it right, it will not be just a vow. It is going to be a vowwow, if you will.

This oath is about you, your partner, your union, your future and your commitment. Do not spend most of it discussing your relationship. It is also not a story, a fantasy, or a dream so keep it real. It is not a song, so you do not have to make it rhyme. Say things that you are planning to do, that you can do, and that you always believe. Write something that you can use in the future when the going gets tough; something that no matter when you say it, you can feel something like confidence, strength, or hope.

Nevertheless, it is a fact that a pledge does not guarantee that a marriage will last. It does not matter how long, deep, and meaningful it is. One may not uphold one's promise and it has always been and will always be actions that determine the success or failure of the marriage. Regardless of which vow you are going to use, you need to take a moment to think about what it means to promise to be with someone forever. There is a reason why you have to say those words. It means you are fully aware of what you _want_ to do and more importantly, what you _have_ to do. You can now make a choice based on what you want, but then you have to find ways and to do whatever it takes to live with it. You do not spend the rest of your life with them except for something. That is not how it works. You do it _despite_ everything.

Most people can get very scared on their wedding day. It is becoming real and clear that they are getting married, they are nervous about all the people that are going to be looking, they are not confident with the way they look, they are worried about the things that can go wrong during the ceremony and reception, and so forth. What you can do when you are ever in that kind of situation is think about the road and events that have led you to this day. Recall the very first time you laid eyes upon each other, what you first said to them, your first date and first kiss, the fights, the tests and challenges you have passed, the memories you have made, the things you have given, the day you got engaged, and so on. They will give you perspective that you need to see that what truly matters today is that you shall be united with your partner, that you will be a wife or a husband. Those things will assure you that you are doing the right thing and you are right for each other. However, they are just a few of the many more that lie ahead. Tell yourself that they are not going to become the better part of your memories with your soon-to-be better half for there will be time to make greater ones.

A wedding day is no ordinary day. It is the day where you and your partner are linked in a wedlock until death parts you. It is your day. As a bride or a groom, you are the center of attention for the day. Family, friends, relatives, and colleagues have all come to celebrate your day and they bring gifts. It is a moment to be happy. The consummation is not the only one that you can look forward to on your wedding day. It is not everything that this day is about and can offer. It is merely the icing on the cake, where you can be the icing or the cake. This is a special day. It does not come and happen every day. Look for something unusual about it that you can enjoy. You can have a chat with people you have not seen for so long, you can get acquainted with new people, or you can see how stunning you look in your wedding dress. Nevertheless, even if you are the guests of honor, you still have responsibilities to attend to. As a host, you have to make sure that each and every one of your guests can have some face time with you and your spouse as newlyweds. You have to thank them for attending your party, you need to mingle and introduce both sides' guests to each other, and you must make sure everyone is having a great time. It can be so extraordinary that you two barely have time alone to really enjoy the day.

It is only right that you give present to each other, considering everyone else does. Give something that you hold dear or one that you think can be useful to them: an object that can always remind them of you and your love for them. It could be a picture of you for their wallet, a shirt, a hair clip, an umbrella, or a mug. It is better to go with small, inexpensive things so they can admire its sentimental value more than its retail one. Modify it if possible to make it unique and special. And learn to appreciate what they got for you and more importantly, try to protect it at all cost.

# PART FOUR: MARRIAGE
## CHAPTER 10  
Welcome

### Marriage

Marriage marks the beginning of a new life: a life of sharing. Marriage is about sharing your selves, your things, and your lives with each other. As spouses, you share families, a roof, a bed, a bathroom, a surname, rights, responsibilities, objectives, the present, the future, praises, criticisms, honor, and shame. And should you opt to have progenies, you will share DNA. As for the things that you can elect not to share, there are secrets, guilt, and regret. Integration is another part of marriage as well. You join forces and you amalgamate your resources to achieve common goals. You combine your time, abilities, and qualities. That brings us to yet another aspect of marriage, which is allocation. In order to do many and varied tasks, you must create your own division of labor. You need to discuss and decide who will be responsible for what so every job can be taken care of and everything is clear.

Being married also means that everything you own and will earn is now consolidated. You have the same right to use the capital, to have knowledge of where and how the money comes from, and to handle its management and utilization. This is why spouses should always discuss their financial affairs. One does not get to spend more or less based on whether or not one is the party bringing home the bacon. The stay-at-home spouse may not bring home a paycheck, but they do their fair share of work around the house. Housekeeping is not as uncomplicated as one would think especially if one has never tried to do it. Even if the household has two sources of income, it still does not give either party permission to use their money however they wish. The funds earned is for the family and since you as spouses only have one of it to build and sustain, then you should make financial decisions together.

### Duties

Spouses have responsibilities to one another, to the family, and to the marriage. Nothing says what duty or task each spouse must carry out and be responsible for so it is left for them to decide. Both partners should be able to do things on their own, together, and to each other. What one partner cannot do due to any possible constraints, the other partner has to rise to the occasion and do it. Spouses need to talk about these duties so they can understand each other. And for the purpose of carrying them out splendidly, partners should recognize its meaning and importance as well as start learning things about it. You do not have to like your duties. You just have to do them. That is why they are duties. If it can make things easier, keep in mind that your partner has the same obligations.

Performing wifely and husbandly duty should not be difficult as it is about pleasure. It should not even be a duty at all. Since the purpose of this job is to make your partner satisfied, you can ask them what they want to try in bed, learn new stuff from various sources, and be willing to take a risk. What is also important is that you attempt to agree on several things. Tell each other when you are not up for it, the number of occasion you can do it every week, and that which you will never consider or consent to. You take care of each other and of one another's family, because family is the one you are supposed to be able to count on. You comfort and support your spouse, for there are times they cannot do it on their own and there are things they cannot do alone. You accompany each other to any events so you have someone to talk to and to go through it with. You commit to the family and the marriage because otherwise you will lose them.

You have the power and duty of making medical and legal decisions on behalf of the spouse should they become incapable of doing it. And you would want to prepare from as early as possible. If it has already happened, you will not be able to think clearly, you might not have much time, and you cannot hope for them to answer anymore. Ask your spouse about their medical history, medication or products they are allergic to such as milk, peanuts, eggs, or fish, and how long you should wait for them. Do not forget to give your information as well. This is also the time for you to disagree so you can both decide the best course of action to take. Still on the subject of danger, you should also know the wishes of your partner. You should inform each other about what you want them to do in the event of your demise. Let them know where you want to be buried or if you wish to be cremated instead, whether or not they should remarry, and what to do with your belongings. Just because it is still very long before these things come to pass or the likelihood is small does not mean that you should not prepare yourself.

You should also discuss who is going to be the homemaker and who will be the breadwinner. While it is typical for women to be in charge of homemaking and the caring for the children, that does not necessarily say that men cannot do it or there are not many who do. They have hands and legs to do some cleaning, cooking, washing, and caring. It is not below anything to do things for your family. Women too are very much capable of providing for the family since they have the skills and abilities to be successful. If the wife can earn considerably more than the husband, then the husband should give way and try to be supportive. Mortgage, bills, food, and college tuition cannot be paid with pride.

Housekeeping is done by running errands and doing chores. Getting yourself familiar with them is important so that you can learn how to do them. Some of the most common errands include taking clothes to and from the dry cleaners, sending mails, getting things cleaned, repaired, or altered, making and updating shopping list, buying groceries and other household needs, and paying the bills. Housecleaning chores cover vacuuming, mopping, sweeping, dusting, cleaning kitchen and bathroom sinks, scrubbing the toilet, taking out the garbage, clearing out and cleaning the refrigerators, oven, and cabinet, making beds, changing the sheets, storing or returning things to their proper places, and removing leaves from the rain gutter. Washing duties consist of washing the dishes, doing and hanging out laundry, and folding and ironing clothes. Gardening duties comprise mowing the lawn and watering the flowers. Cooking chores encompass cooking new meal and heating leftover food. Child care involves caring for and supervising the children.

As a spouse, you need to be beside your wife or husband whenever they need you. Listen when they are trying to talk about something, keep them company when they look lonely, help them with their work, look after them when they are ill, and so forth. You drop everything else for them because they are the highest priority after the children. Fulfilling those needs of theirs can interfere with your own but you do it anyway. It is not a matter of whose wants are more important but rather what needs are more pressing. And it is only going to get harder over time. As you both carry out your respective tasks and handle the stress that comes with them, you may begin to focus more on your free time. You want to use it the best you can and you will find it hard to give up a chunk of it to do unpleasant things. Being ready and available for your spouse will not feel as significant as it once was. Duties to fulfill are many and varied for husbands and wives, but the ones to one another remain important as they indicate how close the couples are and how strong the marriage is.

### Family

Family is not about blood. _When it comes to being a family, blood means nothing_. It is about the things you do to, for, and with each other that can make you regard someone as your family and not an outsider. You know your family and they know you. You share experiences with them, be it pain or joy. You feel close to them because they are always there for and with you. Your family makes you feel matter by listening to what you have to say and paying attention to you, asking and giving what you want and need, and caring about your well-being. A family also accepts you with all your mistakes and shortcomings, protects you from harm and peril, defends you from anything and anyone coming your way, and forgives and forgets your faults.

With family, you feel trusted, supported, cared about, appreciated, seen, heard, accepted, safe, and comfortable. When they are happy, you are happy; when you are sad, they are sad. Family is anybody with whom you feel, experience, and do all those things. You can have a more intimate relationship with someone more than you do with your own blood if the former offers and gives you what the latter cannot. You and your spouse are not related by blood but you are now a family because you have with them the things you are looking for in a family. You choose your own family.

A family has rules that apply to each and every one of its members. They need to respect and follow it as a part of the family. It could be to waste no food, to never swear inside the house, or to do their respective duties. Furthermore, a family has traditions to remind its member that they are unique and connected. Traditions can be anything from eating together to watching movies, from going someplace together to celebrating birthdays and holidays. It can be big or small, simple or complex, but it has to involve everyone in the family. It too has to be done more than once and repeated at the same date each year or over a particular period of time. It can be as short as a day and as long as a year.

Family stands by each other no matter what happens or happened. The whole world could hate your family but you should always be on their side. Let those people be the face and voice of your anger, disappointment, and disgust so what your family will get from you is your love, sympathy, and loyalty. You make allowances for family because they would and should do the same for you. You deserve to ask and expect more from family because that is what separates them from strangers. And it goes without saying that your family wants the same preferential treatment in return.

### Home

A home has a bed to sleep on, a blanket to protect you from cold, a roof to shield you from rain, sun, snow, wind, a door to let you into or out of the house, walls to separate you from the world outside. You can find in it food to fill your belly, a table to put your things on, light to allow you to see inside in nighttime, and rooms to accommodate different functions such as supping, living, sleeping, and bathing. It is built and supplied to give you all that you require to live. It still needs something else, nonetheless. It is and should be filled with people or things that you care about, love, want to be with, and have great, deep emotional values as well as connection to you. That way you can see, hold, be near, and enjoy them.

Home is supposed to give a sense of safety, peace, comfort, warmth, and freedom for the people that live in it. Everyone should be able to be themselves in their own home. They need not pretend or hide anything if they do not wish to. Home is a place where its occupants or the family can talk about and discuss anything in private, whether it is problems or secrets. Memories are made at home since that is where the family can be together from anywhere else they spent their day. This is where everyone can see and talk to each other, have dinner together, and share their stories. Every moment you spend together as a family in your home is a memory that you need to cherish. Home is where you all grow old together along with the home itself and you will be the witness to each other's life and physical changes.

A home can tell a lot about the people who stay in it. You can see who lives in it by the many pictures of the family, learn about their habits, notice what they deem important, determine what is missing or different about the house and the people, study their behavior, deduce what is going on with their lives, observe how they spend their time inside, and many other things. It does not reveal everything, but it shows enough. Therefore, if you look closely, your home can make you aware of what is happening with your marriage, what you need to do and change, or it can remind you of the things you have forgotten.

Taking a good care of your abode should never be forgotten or taken lightly because a home is not something you take for granted. Considering how hard it is to afford it, how easy you could lose it, and how millions of people do not have the same luxury, it should be an important thing for you. Your home merits appreciation from its owner and you can do so by cleaning it properly and regularly. It is something to be proud of but not only for its size, price, design, equipments, or amenities. Its cleanliness and neatness can also be its good characteristics.

Home should be the place where you can relax and enjoy the day. However, it is not always that simple. Some things like noise, mess, demands, complaints, and problems can make people hesitant to go or stay at home. Between the kids screaming and running, the house is in disarray, your spouse yelling, nagging, whining, and unsettled conflicts, the appeals of the home are getting more difficult to perceive. When your house is no longer comfortable, you are going to find yourself trying to get or keep yourself away from it for as long as possible. Nobody wants their home to feel like that. Alas, that is what happens to a marriage home. There is more than one person who lives there, which means there is more work to do in the same amount of time, there is much less space, and there are different preferences as well as interests. There is a lot to learn, to figure out, and to adjust to and home is the single place you can do it.

### In-Laws

Now that you are married to your spouse, you need to start connecting more with their family through attending family gatherings or functions. Another thing you need to take care of is getting both sides of families equally involved in and informed about your life. In order to make certain that neither parties will be feeling left out, you should always communicate with your partner about everything relating to your families. If you want to do something for your parents like giving them an anniversary party, you should at least invite your parents-in-law and plan to throw them one too. If you hold an event such as housewarming or birthday party, invite you and your spouses' kin. If you want to break the news about your pregnancy, do it by simultaneously calling both of your parents or by having all of them together over for a meal. In addition, facilitate their process of knowing each other better by getting them to talk. Tell one of them something about the other so they can start conversing.

You can also strive to be a good in-law to your spouse's side of the family. Even if they are not that close with their own family, it does not have to be the same with you. If family is important to you and you want to have a good relationship with your new one, then you should be able to do so. If they live far from you, you can call them once or a couple of times a week to ask how they are doing and what is new with them, to let them know about their son or daughter, or to tell them something about you. If they do not mind and you could use an advice, speak to them about your problem. They might be able to tell you one or two thing about their child that is relevant to your situation. You can send gifts for their special occasions and you can come or invite them to visit on holidays. If you are geographically close, you can do something with them. You can talk, have lunch, play chess, watch a game, cook or bake something, or do anything to spend some time with them. And do not forget to tell your significant other about their parents.

Try to help your spouse take care of their own family especially parents. Sometimes they can be so busy with work or the children that they do not have time to do it. Or you can do it without them asking you. You can check up on them, bring them food, take them out to lunch, drive them to their appointments, keep them company, or help them with their household tasks. In addition, you should be ready to open your house for your in-laws in case they visit or in need of a place to stay. And it is not always or just parents. There are siblings, grandparents, uncles, and aunts that you need to deal with too.

Nine times out of ten, parents-in-law think that their child made a wrong choice in the spousal department and that they could have done better than their current partner. This could happen to you. Your new parent or parents may not have stopped the wedding, but they did not exactly give you the warmest welcome, not that you expected it. They do not want to disappoint or anger their child by fighting their decision but they can, do, or will take other measures to achieve their purpose. The objective could be making sure you can live up to their standards of a capable and decent partner for their kid, letting you know that they do not like you and you will never have their approval, or showing their loved one that you are not good for them.

You should also expect parents to always believe that their precious boy or girl is perfect, that they can do nothing wrong, that every problem with their marriage must be their husband or wife's fault. They may also interfere with your family's internal affairs by pushing you to do something, swaying their child in making decisions, undermining your authority and position, and criticizing and possibly changing the way you do things. Like most people, you will complain to your spouse and have them tell their parents to get off your back and mind their own business. You might also fight with your spouse because they seem to be taking their folks' side and or refusing to talk to them. What you need to and can do is establish some boundaries between you and your in-laws. Discuss it with your partner so they can find ways to get this across to their parents in the best possible manner so as to ensure that there will be no hard feelings.

At times, you can be between a rock and a hard place in your marriage in terms of the relationship between your spouse and your family. You love both your better half and your parents, but they cannot seem to get along. You have to hear complaints, criticisms, judgment, insults from either side; they try getting out of meeting one another whenever they can; and you are afraid they can lock horns with each other at any moment whenever they are in the same room. What you can do say nice things about one of them to the other so they might realize that while you allow them to be mad at their in-law, that person means so much to you that you will not betray them, that you hope they can live in peace, that you need all of them in your life.

### Relations

There are many methods to forge and foster relations with people and the objects could be anybody in your life. You can welcome new neighbors or residents in your building or neighborhood and help them settle in. Lend tools, utensils, or appliances to friends or neighbors in need. You can also babysit for them when they have an emergency or want to have a night out. Pay a visit and bring something like flowers when a family, friend, or neighbor or their relatives just had a baby or is lying sick in a hospital. Call, cook, send, buy, give, and bring something to your family and friends when they are sick or going through a rough patch like marriage problems or divorce. Go pay respects to the recently deceased colleague or neighbor or their family by going to the wake and or funeral. Offer them your company and time when you see that they need to talk to somebody. More importantly, make your gestures feel and seem more personal by showing up, calling them yourself, or bringing the gifts because it shows that you actually care.

Call your parents to check up on them, to wish them happy birthdays, and to congratulate them on their anniversaries. Also, visit and invite them over so they can spend time with the kids. Make plans to spend time together with family, friends, or neighbors by having dinner parties, going on double dates, or going to resorts or parks with each other's family. Be an active part of your community by being involved in its activities like parties, festivals, assemblies, parades, or rallies.

Invite people on holidays or parties like birthdays, anniversaries, housewarming, and graduation. And when you do or plan to do so, notify the invitees weeks or days ahead so they can make time for it. When you host an event or a gathering, make sure every one of your guests is having a terrific time and there is enough food, beverage, and attention from you. Greet them when they arrive, make small talk, introduce your guests to each other, and thank them when they depart. On the other hand, seek to make an appearance when people invite you because being invited by someone to be a part of something is an honor and attending is a sign of respect to the host. If you do not have much time then just come and stay for a while. And should you have absolutely no time to spare, then call or reply because it is the polite thing to do. Attend all kinds of social events and spark up conversations or take part in those to learn things about people and the town or city you live in.

Most of, if not all the time, you may not like doing this social thing because you just want to spend time by yourself or with your family. And it is okay. Nevertheless, every now and then you should make an effort to consider and get in touch with other people. You connect with others because your family is a part of something bigger. You do these things to build and maintain good relations with the people in your life, so they can return the favor when you are the one in need, and because you realize you cannot live your life knowing you only have each other.

### Living Together

Having someone else in the house is exciting. It is like sleepovers. You can talk and be up all night, you can do stuff together, and you like having someone else sleeping beside you. Only sleepovers are ephemeral. They are over before you can even notice what you do not like about your bedmate. And even if you did, you had copious amount of patience and thus were able to let it slide. You yourself were at your best behavior since you were so excited to have them. The good news is that marriage is kind of like that. The bad news is, it is a lot longer and more complicated than that.

Spouse brings all their stuff and it can take up so much space. They alter and replace pretty much everything in terms of its existence, appearance, position, and usage. And as if the belongings are not enough, they also bring customs, rules, and issues. You probably can get yourself used to the new layout of the environment without too much problem because you knew it had to happen. But the rules are really hard to be okay with. They may not allow you to put your feet on the table, prohibit alcohol and cigarettes in the premises, demand you to be at home instantly after work, or have sharing issue. You too must have another set of preference on your own to which your spouse has to adjust.

Things are always good in the beginning. You like watching your spouse sleep, you want to eat together, you have sex every single day, you smile at each other, and so forth. It never lasts long, though. When you live with people, you begin to learn that there is plenty about them you do not know about and like. Familiarity does breed contempt. The challenges of living together come from the trivial things that can form friction between you and your spouse. Each room and activity presents its own potential for problems that you have to face. It could be the channel or program to watch, the temperature of the air conditioner, the snoring and kicking in bed, the position of the toilet seat, the using of coasters, and the right place and manner to put and handle dirty stuff.

You explain to them hundreds of times what they need to do, how and when to do it, and where to find something but they never listen, they always forget, and they ask you to do it. You also have to deal with your spouse's irritating habits. They whistle when you are trying to read, they leave their clipped toenails all over the house, they take awfully long showers, they do not put the dishes in the sink, and they practically never help around much when they are at home. You give your spouse a hard time because you cannot stand watching them happy and relaxed while you have a lot on your mind and plate. You are mad because they could not seem to care less.

The way you live now affects each other. It gets swifter to be angry because you have to do everything twice and twice as much work. The toilet seat is a good example. You did not put the toilet seat back up or down after you are done because you did not see why it was necessary. You think that you are the only one who uses the facility. If anyone else wants to use it then the seat is their problem. It is the same way with many other things that you use together in the house. You take the scissors, remote control, newspaper, pen, or phone somewhere and you leave your spouse looking for it. When you do not clean up after yourself, it is the other job to do it since they happen to live in the same place. Your mess is theirs. They might not even like to clean their own mess and now they have to do it for one that they did not make in the first place. That is the sort of situation that can make people lose it.

_As long as both of you keep living for yourselves, there is going to be something for you two to fight about_. The one life you share is two separate lives and two different people that need a one new way to live. You can take care of your husband or wife by taking care of yourself. That means you change how you do things so as not to inconvenience your partner. You need to come up with deals, systems, arrangements, compromises of all kinds before you can live peacefully together. Take turns picking what to watch, set some time that either of you is allowed to use the bathroom, settle on space to put and store your respective things, etc.

### Goals

Your goals are the future of your marriage. They are everything you want to have and everywhere you want to be. However, you should be careful not to be building castles in the air. Setting some realistic aims first is crucial because by doing so you can be motivated to toil and keep on working, knowing that your effort can and will produce satisfying results. You can start by mapping out what you are planning to accomplish in one, five, or ten years time. Being financially secure to fulfill your basic needs to survive should be the very first of your priorities. You then can decide what kind of future you want for your marriage and family; for example, having two children three years apart, moving to a house or a better, bigger one so you have extra rooms for the kids, buying a car or a second car, and can afford to go on trips and vacations. Before that, though, you need to take a look at the expenses that you do and are going to have so you can be fully aware of the things that you will spend money on. Note that some of these will only apply once you have children to support.

There are housing expenses, which are made up of shelter (mortgage payments, property taxes, rent, maintenance, repairs, and insurance), utilities (gas, electricity, fuel, telephone, water), house furnishings and equipments (furniture, major appliances, small appliances), and home renovation (repainting the house, installing fire and burglar alarm, adding extra living space). Food expenses cover food and beverages purchased at grocery store. Transportation expenses are composed of monthly payments on vehicle loans, down payments, gasoline and motor oil, maintenance and repairs, insurance, and public transportation. Clothing expenses comprise children's apparel (diapers, shirts, pants, dresses, suits), clothing services (dry cleaning, alterations, repairs), and footwear. Health care expenses encompass medical and dental services, prescription drugs, medical supplies, and health insurance premiums. Child care and education expenses contain day care tuition and supplies, baby-sitting, as well as elementary and high school tuition, books, fees, and supplies. Lastly, miscellaneous expenses consist of personal care items (haircuts, toothbrushes, etc), entertainment (computer, cell phone, movies, etc), and household items (toilet paper, tissue, detergent, batteries, paper towel, scotch tape, etc).

Once you have your goals settled, then it is the time to figure out how to make it happen and come up with a plan, a strategy, and a scenario. Dreaming is the effortless part. The hard part is realizing and possibly adjusting those wishes. You need to think of and discuss the course of action that you need to take to accomplish your objectives. A preferable step is to find out first how much they all cost. It will depend on where you live and the specification of your plan. You might want a minivan, a four-bedroom house, and a top college for the kids as well as private school, tutors, and lessons. The more and better the things you desire, the more costly they are going to be. Also, keep in mind that the prices of said things are extremely likely to go up in the future.

Next, find out exactly how much you and or your spouse make per month or at least the approximate figure if you own a private business. If you are to accommodate having and providing for children, then you need to make some financial adjustments to ensure that your and their needs can be fulfilled. The same goes for achieving other objectives such as a bigger house or a second car. A great plan also takes account of any contingencies and has a way out or answer ready for them. For instance, you could get laid off as part of cost-cutting measures by your company. Getting fired, stepping down, forced resignation, sudden illness, and physical injury are some of the others.

Should you discover that there is no possible way you can achieve your dreams by living the way you are living now financially, then you should start doing some belt-tightening. Being realistic about your financial difficulties can help you make some tough calls like cutting down some spending and perhaps modifying your lifestyle. You need to implement some austerity measures if you want to stay afloat. Use less water, electricity, and telephone to reduce the amount of the bills. Switch to lesser products that cost less like for shampoo, soap, toothpaste, cookie, cereal, toilet paper, or tissue. Give up unnecessary expenditures such as cables, credit cards, internet, magazine subscriptions, movies, and dining in restaurants. Rank and purchase your goods based on its necessity or degree of urgency. Move to smaller, cheaper apartment, take the bus or train rather than cab, consume cheaper food like bread in place of meat, and add or double your income by having both of you working. Start keeping books and record everything that involves money so you are always aware of the state of your capitals. Knowing how much you spent, how much the rest is, and how much is in the bank can help you continuously control and plan your spending. Lastly, keep all the statements and receipts that you receive so you can use them for planning your budget.

If you barely have enough money left per month, then it is definitely not a good idea to continue living with your current budget or without one and to have children. People devise and follow a budget plan so as to make more funds available. List everything you need and use presently to support your life like rent, food, transportation and see how much you are spending on them. Refer to your receipts and statements and ballpark the ones you do not know. By estimating your monthly cost of living, you can start developing your budget plan. At the very least, you can use the current figure as your budget amount. Nevertheless, it would be better if you examined which expenses you could reduce or trim altogether. The three areas that require the utilization of your income are the essentials (rent, food, bills, and transportations); the savings account; and the purchase or payment of secondary needs such as new water heater or plumbing reparation. Based on that, calculate the sum that you need to save each month if you are to reach your target in or ahead of time.

You cannot plan the budget by choosing to set aside some amount or percentage of your monthly income. If it turns out to be insufficient then you will have to cover it by using the other funds, which is your savings. And in the slim chances that there is a surplus it is not unlikely that you are not going to end up spending it. Besides, the whole point of creating and having a budget is to know the least total of money required for you to live so every cent can be of effective and efficient use. You then need to decide the sum of money that you will earmark for your reserves. You can go with all the rest of your income minus expenses, a percentage of the original income before expenses, or only some portion of the remaining amount and split it for other pressing needs.

When determining the amount that will go to the savings account per month, you have to take into consideration the fact that it will be much less once children enter the picture. They will need food, clothes, health care, and so on so you should start saving up more from now. Your budget will have to be modified once you have a child since prior to being a parent, all the money that you have been setting aside is assumed to be for bigger house or college funds.

Be firm that you will do your best to meet the monthly-required amount even if you have to sacrifice other expenditures. It is not easy or fun living on a budget and yet you have to stick to it if you want to be able to afford your dreams. Keep remembering the reason you needed it in the first place and be patient.

### Divorce

The end of a marriage is not always marked by a divorce. If you can look at your spouse or they at you with nothing but contempt, anger, disappointment, hatred, then you have to tell them about it. Not only does it make them unhappy, it also causes you to be miserable. If you have been displeased for too long in your marriage and can no longer spend another day living like that, then say something to your spouse. It takes two people to make a marriage works. Ask or tell them what approach you two should employ, what changes you both have to make, and what things from which the two of you need to stay away. It is easier to just give up and call it quits but you need to fight for your marriage. If you feel like you are trapped in an unhappy marriage and do nothing about it, then it is all but over for you. Soon you will begin contemplating leaving your spouse. You find yourself looking at your suitcases and thinking about how long it would take to pack your bags. You want no more than to be free of them, of your responsibilities, and of all the arguments.

Married couples do not just break up as what ordinary couples would do. To break a marriage you will need a divorce and it should be the last resort. Divorce should not be taken lightly since it involves many people including the parents and or the children. Try doing exercises, reading articles and books, and marriage counseling to help save your marriage. However, none of those can produce good results if you or your partner's heart is not in it to begin with. Most people mistakenly believe that it is a question of whether they can handle or continue their marriage. In reality, it always comes down to whether you and your spouse want to stay married or not. If and only if you _both_ want to stay together can you find a way to make it work.

Even separation should be given a shot if it means no divorce. It could give you some time and space to be apart and mull things over. But that is all that you should do. You should see this as an opportunity to work on your marriage, not to ruin it some more. It is not about having or getting back all the fun you have lost but striving to make your marriage work again. This is just a temporary situation taken because you and your spouse could not make progress with your issues when you are together. The less pleasure you have, the less likely you will want to make it permanent. Utilize your being alone by pondering your marriage. Try to recall the first time you had a big fight since you had lived together; what it was about, why it happened, how you dealt with it, and whether or not there were better ways to handle it. You may not have had this disagreement with them when you were dating because you had not shared a roof yet, but since you did it has become the constant issue between you two.

There is a lot to think about and since you still have to resume doing your job, it would be perfect if you could use any spare time to reflect on things. Do not waste your time doing anything that has nothing to do with your marriage complication and that can only make things worse. Meet with your friends simply to have people that you can share your burden with and ask for guidance. Steer clear of denigrating your husband or wife, have a little harmless fun with them, and then talk about your marital problems.

Once in a while you make mistakes and you only realize it when it is too late. However, if there is a chance and a way that you can start over and learn from that mistake then you should take it. Other people can judge all they want because that is what they do. They do not know the full and true story and they are not the ones going through what you have been. You did not see that it would be this hard when you promised to spend your life with someone. You had seen, heard, predicted, anticipated, and known what you were getting yourself into and you decided to do it. You gave your word but now you are thinking about how to justify backing out of them. You want to honor them because you did say those words and they actually mean something to you, and yet you are tired of living in constant misery. You have been unhappy for too long and you cannot help but think that there is something better out there for not just you, but both of you. Still, you cannot imagine how you would see yourself in the mirror should you determine to break your promise. It is a choice between honor and happiness. Since you cannot have both, then you have to deliberate which of them is more important to you.

##  CHAPTER 11  
Life as We Know It

### Days and Nights

Nowadays, the typical 9 to 5 model does not really apply anymore. People stay late at the office to work overtime, the amount of work is too much that they have to get it done at home, they get summoned after work hours or on their day off when there are emergencies, and they cannot enjoy their break because they are constantly worried about work. Many people are letting or have permitted their jobs consume them both physically and emotionally that there is nearly none left for their marriage and family. You may start using personal time with family to finish work and you bring home stress, pressure, and problems from work that hinder and limit both your ability and time to be with family. The people at home are also irritated or terrified by your demeanor because you make the situation uncomfortable and tense. Your professional life is beginning to take its toll on your private ones.

Still on the work front, there are a number of things that can make the job even more displeasing including but not limited to difficult customers, demanding boss, unfriendly and unreliable colleagues, tons of workload, lousy job or work environment, work-related problems, and plain bad day at work. Things at home are not that much better or simpler, either. The house demands cleaning and tidying every single day for it simply cannot remain spotless and neat. Doing laundry too must be a daily activity, otherwise it starts piling up and takes longer to finish. There is figuring out what dishes to serve today so everyone can be satisfied and preparing it, which necessitates considerable time, attention, and labor. Yet another task is grocery shopping where items and products of various sorts and quantities must be purchased to sustain the activities at home. Last but not least, children require to be watched, fed, and bathed at the same time when chores and errands must be attended to. As all of this happens continuously over days, weeks, months, and even years, couples start to have more and more complaints, they are often in a foul mood, patience wears thinner, there is an unshakable sense of weariness, and they all lead to inevitable misery.

You may find that you are going home just so you can have someone to complain to. But the one at home also has many things about their day that they are not delighted with. You want to whine and let all the stress of the day out, but you can see that your spouse has had a rough day themselves and you do not want to upset or anger them. Your kids are not helping matters either for they keep disturbing and distracting you and thus render you to be partially or completely unable to get any work done or to enjoy a peaceful surroundings. You have to face and deal with yet some other difficulties or chaos at home, so there is only little time for you to rest. Too much is demanded from you by the people in your home and workplace and none of them can seem to give you what you need or even bother to take time to consider it. There are just far too many things to do with so little time, you have no idea where and what to start with, and how to do all of them. You spend your time at home thinking about how tomorrow is going to be another difficult day.

Daily activities and struggle can make people forget some essential things in their marriage. You may begin to pay less attention to your spouse and you abandon some of the things you used to do together since you are constantly preoccupied with work. It is easy to lose sight of what is important when you have not sufficient time to put things on hold for a while. You need it to reflect on the way you have been doing things and the outcome of those decisions. You might be neglecting or hurting your family since you just want to be alone, have serenity, to sulk, or to think. It is not like you want it to come to that but you must be aware of, prevent, or fix it.

Juggling two separate lives cannot be easy and swift to learn and master. Separating work and family cannot be simple since one is on your mind when you are busy with the other. Creating and finding a balance between professional and personal life is something that everyone must strive to do in order to ensure that both can coexist and be mutually successful. Leaving work behind is vital so you can focus on taking care of and enjoying your family. You also need to find and then do something that can take your mind off everything even if it is just for a very short while. It is imperative you feel happy at work and at home because they are the only places you spend most of your day and life. Look for something positive about any day that you live so you are not feeling down every hour of the day and every day of the week.

Whether you are the one at home or at work, remind yourself that this is what you are supposed to do to live. You work to earn money to finance your family and future and you manage the household so everyone in the family can function and enjoy their home. Knowing, understanding, accepting, and remembering that can give you the additional strength you need to carry out your tasks, especially when it feels harder than usual.

### Staying Connected

Find or set aside some time every day, week, or month for you both to do things with one another so you will not lose the feeling of what it is like and how good it is to be together. Ask questions and tell each other about your day in order to obtain knowledge as to what is happening in both of your life. Through communicating, you are letting your spouse know what you are going through so they still and always will be able to recognize you with all of your changes. You and they will undergo some changes in your lives and if you do not tell each other then there is no way else of knowing. The long-term aim of this exercise is to prevent the two of you from drifting apart. It can occur so much quicker than you would think and in not so obvious way. You might wake up someday and you have no idea who the person that you see right next to you is; they are like a stranger to you. You do not want that to ever happen to your marriage.

Come up with activities that you can undertake together, you are both good at, and you enjoy doing. And by discussing it you will already be doing one of those. Other than talking, you could try watching television or a movie, exercising, cooking, eating out, going singing or dancing, going out on trips, and having sex. Many couples have lost the level of intimacy they used to have for they have been too busy and stressed by assignments or household chores. Moreover, you need to do things together so you have something in common that you can talk about. Get involved with your spouse's life, take an interest in their hobbies, and help them understand and enjoy with you the stuff that you find comforting and entertaining.

Children have their own world that is separate and dissimilar from that of their parents. They have their own friends, different timetable, differing interests and hobbies, and contrasting tasks. _You and they may occupy the same address, but you may be more apart than you believe_. So, the connection between you and your whole family must be maintained as well. Organize a recreation plan that you can all do together as a family. You can sit down and play games. Take a look at your schedules and find a time or day that works or modify your calendar based on the plan. Have a night out or arrange a getaway so you will not be stuck at home all the time. Do something special on birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays to make them count. As for the regular days, make it a priority to have dinner with everyone present and talk about the things that happen in each of your life.

### Me Time

Everybody requires a break from everything so they do not burn out and fall into depression. They need some private moments just to be alone, to decompress, to think, to do something they like, to be themselves. It is the time to evaluate and examine your life. To see if you have gotten what you desire out of life, to ask what it is you truly want, to reflect on what you did erroneously or poorly, to seek answers for the questions you have been having. Routine, pressure, distractions, and other things can cause you to lose sight of important things. You might go through every single day without asking why you are doing it. You might be wondering where the days have gone and you are feeling like the ones you have spent are somewhat unreal. They just come and go without leaving any meaning to you. That is why you should allow and give each other this valuable time once in a while. Let your partner spend the day alone at home or somewhere else. You can take the kids out or look after them at home so your spouse can concentrate on getting better mentally.

It can be advantageous and refreshing as well if you both can have some period and space away from one another and everything. This can give you some time to miss each other and a room to be yourselves for absence makes the heart grow fonder. You need not be at each other's throats all the time, you sure could use a little serenity in your life, and you could endeavor to forget what has been upsetting you at home. Plan ahead what you are going to do with and where you are going to spend your free time so you can use it effectively. Be sure to do amusing, soothing, and enjoyable activities rather than stressful ones.

##  CHAPTER 12  
Sickness, Poorer, Worse

### In Sickness and In Health

Being there for and taking care of your partner does not begin when they are actually ill. Prevention is better than cure, as you may have heard. You can accomplish this mission by making sure they eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner, drink much water, have sufficient shuteyes, and avoid dangerous material, place, and labor. Give them sufficient attention so you can notice anything different and unusual about them: their appetite, stamina, mood, sleep, temperature, and so forth. They could be coming down with something, hiding physical pain, or clueless about what they might have. If you have no idea what it is or how to treat it, take them to a clinic or a hospital to get them examined or admitted.

When they are battling an illness or sustaining a physical injury, it is your duty to nurse them back to health and help them regain their strength. Be on their side, be available, and be easily reachable constantly so you can monitor their condition, they do not have to be alone, and you can help them instantly. Make sure that they have enough rest and they take their medications. Fix their meals and assist them in performing some tasks like bathroom business and eating.

The other part of looking after someone is watching them struggle with their condition. It is going to take some time to get used to seeing how powerless and vulnerable they are. People are not the same when they are unwell. They have much less energy to put up their walls and to fight. You might find yourself recollecting the times when they seemed so strong and so full of life. You might not have the strength to see them suffer. That pain you are feeling goes by the name of compassion. Love does indeed hurt. However, rather than spending your time and energy being nostalgic, sad, or hopeless, the more productive thing for you to do when they are resting is to take care of yourself. Get some sleep, have a bite of something, and take a quick shower because you need your physical and emotional strength to be fully useful to your spouse.

Caring for a sick person is neither painless nor convivial but you would want someone beside you when you are the one who is ill or injured. They may not be making it easy for you to look after them and you want to just run away and be done with it. Nevertheless, if you leave, they will have no one. What you must always remember is that no one chooses to be sick. Try to put yourself in their shoes. Maybe you can see that your partner does not want to be treated like sick people all the time, which are weak, helpless, and of no control over their lives. The last thing they want is to see the pitiful look on your face. They might also be refusing to accept that a disease could beat them and that is why they are striving so hard to appear tough. Or the reason behind their actions is because they are protecting you from the pain of seeing them suffer or troubling yourself for them. Despite all this, you must remain patient, strong, and resolute in your endeavor to see them healthy again.

Keeping their hope alive is no less vital as people tend to give up when they have been sick for too long or when they realize that what they have is bad. With your best effort, try to never say that you do not wish to hear any talks about death or change the subject. Your partner needs someone that they can talk to about it since it has been on their mind lately. There may be no other times when they need their friend, partner, and family as much as they do at this moment. Do not abandon them and let them go through this alone. Be there for them not only physically but also, and perchance more importantly, emotionally.

When you both know that the time is near, there is no point in denying it anymore. You need to accept it so you can help them come to terms with it too. Learn to accept the reality that they are dying so you can spend what little time they have left and they do not have to take care of you emotionally. It is not too late for you. One day well spent is better than a thousand days in regret. When your behaviors unexpectedly, unusually, and drastically change, your partner will suspect that something is amiss and it will not take long for them to put two and two together. You can either acknowledge it or let it be unsaid. The prospect of losing someone you love may drive you into depression, but tell yourself that one day you will have to say goodbye. You may be declining to say goodbye because to you it is a sign of you admitting that they are going and that you accept their impending departure. But you will never forgive yourself when it is too late. Until that day comes, you should not squander one second on crying or being angry. You will have plenty of time for that later.

### For Richer or For Poorer

When your financial situation is safe, you should take steps in ensuring that it can stay that way all the time. Do not spend more than what you need and what you can. Remember the old saying: waste not, want not. Pay your mortgage, bills, and debt as soon as you can and before using the funds for something else. You never know what could happen. You might need to pay a huge hospital bill, you could get robbed, your house could burn down, or you could get sacked. It is better to be safe than sorry. For that same reason, you should also save the remainder of the capitals so you will have a little nest egg for rainy day. In most cases, however, people struggle to keep their head above water almost every day of their lives. Prices keep on skyrocketing, competition gets fiercer, jobs become harder to get, raises remain a rarity, expenses grows and increases, the economy hardly ever changes for the better, and opportunities disappear.

Even though you play different roles and perform dissimilar functions, you are fighting the same war. Each of you can do various things to turn your luck around. As breadwinner, you can endeavor to hone your craft so as to increase your chances of getting superior job and therefore higher income. As homemaker, you can peruse the classifieds looking for work suitable for your spouse. You can also keep an eye or ear out for a job vacancy whenever you are running errands or in public events. And put in a good word for your partner to friends, neighbors, and acquaintances for they may have something now or later. As a couple, you both can attempt to stay honest to and supportive of one another during these tough times. Be the source of each other's happiness since you have each other even though you have not plenty. You could try to find reasons why you are good enough for one another and use that to be content. Life will not seem or feel that bad when you have something wonderful with someone remarkable in your life.

But unfortunate things happen sometimes and suddenly you are having money trouble. You blame the breadwinner for the difficult situation or the one who hemorrhages the money unnecessarily and excessively. You can fight and argue about it. Do it if that is what it takes for you to get through this together. When you are going through a rough patch financially, it is important that you stick together and try to figure it out together. Seeing friends or other people having many things, doing fancy stuff, and going to fascinating places or hearing of it can lead either or both of you to grow more frustrated and envious.

It could also be the underlying reason why you are in this mess in the first place. You just had to get or do everything they had or did because you are competitive, prideful, and foolish. You did not want to lose, you wanted to prove to them that they are not better or richer, and you wanted to stop them from underestimating and disrespecting you. Now you have seen that it was and it is silly, dangerous, and irresponsible to compete on material possessions. Apologize to your partner and start doing some damage control. Solving financial crisis or defeating poverty is not going to be simple and swift. You have to be strong, patient, smart, and hard working. Your relationship may be strained now, but if you can beat this, your relationship is going to be more solid. You can look back together on these trying times with smile and relief. In the meantime, you have to fight and struggle first.

Attempt to appreciate more the things and the people that you already have. Strive to resist the temptations of owning more things that are expensive, glamorous, superficial, and ostentatious. Think of how many people have it worse than you rather than of how many things you wish you could have but cannot. Seek any other sorts of happiness that require no money or a substantial amount of it. Sell expendable stuff through garage or yard sale to earn some extra money. You can put your old clothes, equipment, or even car up for sale. And when having one source of income is not sufficient to support your family's needs, then it is time to look for a side gig, start a business or a new one, or have the stay-at-home spouse find a work too. You could also contemplate asking friends, family, or parents if they can help you out until you can get back on your feet. However, first you must think of a viable plan to use the money and to pay them back. Being embarrassed about your financial situation is one thing. It is another to dodge and hide from the people in your life because of it.

### For Better or For Worse

At some point during the course of their marriage, everyone wonders if they made a huge mistake by getting married, picking their spouse to be their better half, or deciding to have children. Seeing your relative, friend, neighbor, or coworker so happy with their significant other can make you jealous. You may be wishing that your own partner could be more romantic and supportive, spend more time with you, and pay more attention to how they look. The grass is always going to be greener on the other side of the fence. But you have to take into consideration the fact that appearances can be misleading. Not all that glitters is gold. It may seem perfect on the outside, but who knows what is going on behind the door? Or maybe they are just not yet in the place where they hate each other's guts.

Either it is suddenly or gradually, often or seldom, it enters everybody's mind how he or she could have done better. The inclination to jump ship cannot seem to go away but only grows stronger. A number of reasons can be behind this natural phenomenon. You may not get what you desire out of marriage, you have realized that it is far more difficult than you used to believe, and you see how nearly everything is much different from when you were dating. You might start to lose interest in your partner as a result of their physical changes. They could appear to be putting their work first and have little time and attention for you. Or you cannot deal with their nagging and criticizing any longer. You may feel that you are trapped in an unhappy marriage. In addition, in the most extreme of cases, addiction, infidelity, as well as physical and verbal abuse are some of the reasons why people want to end their marriage.

There have never been nor will there ever be couples, spouses, or partners that stay happily married. There are many dark periods in any marriage. But you weather the storms and push forward because otherwise the sure end is the bottom of the ocean. You will not come out of it unscathed, that is for sure, but you can survive if you try. Work on what you have instead of coveting the lives of others. For one, make your spouse feel attractive by giving them compliments, assuring them of their looks, and having physical contact with them. Try to help them understand how it needs two people to make a marriage work and that is why they must give time for their marriage. Make a better effort to change the things about you that your husband or wife finds irritating. It may be bad now, but it was good once and it could happen again. Remember the good, old times so you can keep going and find new ones.

# PART FIVE: PARENTHOOD
## CHAPTER 13  
For the Love of Your Child

### Father Mother

Some people are concerned that they cannot always and immediately become the perfect parent. If you are too, keep in mind that every parent does and will make mistakes. What matters is how you learn from them. Do not let that fear prevent you from trying or use it as an excuse to bad parenting. Instead, see it as a vow that you will pledge and keep to yourself. It could also be that you are afraid that you cannot be a competent parent to your child due to your past and nature. You think there is a good chance you are going to do something bad again or you cannot change who you are for the good of your child. There is no saying that you will not. You or no one else cannot just say and guarantee that everything is going to be all right. What you can do is take all the time you need to change and improve yourself before you start having children. Only when you and your partner are beyond sure that you are ready should you attempt to get pregnant. Or maybe you are disturbed by the thought that they will be embarrassed to have you as their father or mother. They might have to sometime in the future because they cannot change your past. However, you can give them more things to be proud of for having you as their parent.

Just like marriage, there are many questions you ought to ask yourself about this matter. Do you know the first thing about being a parent? Do you completely and clearly understand what parenting means and what comes with it like pain, worry, and duties? It is the biggest responsibility anyone can ever have. It never ends. You simply cannot quit the moment you feel overwhelmed nor can you thousands of moments later. It will not just be about you when you are raising a kid. Parenting means putting the child's needs ahead of yours all the time. The minute your child comes into the world, your first priority is no longer yourself but them since you decided to be their parent. Are you certain that you want to bring children into this world? You can bring them, all right. But they are the ones who have to live in it. Life is cruel, the world is brutal, reality is harsh, and the truth is ugly. Suffering is as much part of life as joy, that is true, but knowing that your kids are in pain and there is little or nothing you can do about it is not a pleasant thought, feeling, or experience.

Do you have what it takes to bring up a child? Do you believe you possess the abilities and qualities of a fit parent? You need to have a steady job, become a mature, responsible, strong individual, and be in a rock solid relationship with your partner. Are you able, willing, and ready to give up some things now and in the future for the sake of being a good parent? You would not always be able to buy things for yourself because the money had to be spent on their needs and saved for their future. You would have to spend so much time caring for, teaching, and playing with them and that means very little time to relax. Do you want to be worried sick about your child for the rest of your life? About whether or not there is something wrong with them physically or mentally, what danger might befall them, the future they will have, and many other things.

You might have babysat for your sibling, friend, or neighbor and you felt like you could handle it. You said to yourself that you could understand how it can be difficult but you managed to get through it anyway. However, what you should never forget to consider is that being a sitter, an aunt, or an uncle is not the same as being a parent. You only babysit for one day or spend one weekend with the children. You are going to have the energy to cope with whatever they throw at you because prior to it they did not wear you down and test you every single day. You also have the advantage of knowing that it is just temporary, that it will end. You sort of welcome their messing up and making noise because for you it is exciting to be in a different environment for a change.

You need not make tough decisions and be the bad person to the kids. Even when you have to, you will just be doing what their parents ask or want you to do and they cannot hate you for that. Not everything is so simple when you are a parent. Your own child will keep coming up with new ways to give you headaches and heartaches. You have to fight them every day because you have to say no to their request, forbid them to do things, and tell them what to do. You cannot enjoy being at your home because you have to clean and organize it only to do it again the very next day. You feel like that the end cannot come soon enough but if anything, it just seems to get farther.

Most of the time you will know what to do and what is right and best for your children. But the real test is when you actually have to do it. Sometimes you will just not be strong enough because you cannot wholeheartedly and instantly sacrifice something for them. You want to and you know you have to, but it is just nearly impossible. You love them, but you also love yourself and probably more. You ask yourself why you have to be the one making all the sacrifices. You want to do something and not care about it, but your conscience keeps telling you to do the right thing. When you do the right thing, you resent and blame your child for it. When you make the wrong choice, you end up regretting it. Either way, the outcome will be unpleasant.

However, it would be better if you put them ahead and then afterwards find a way to still love them. You did choose to be their parents. That is what parents do. They let their kids come first. But nobody is the perfect parent. Not everyone can or will do what is necessary and sometimes they are doing it poorly or for the wrong reason. That is why you, just like any other parents out there, will at some point and on some level screw up your children. Be that as it may, there is no telling that it will be purely your mistakes that mess up and scar your kids for life. There are other factors at play. Their own decisions, the influence of the rest of the world, and the events that will happen in their lives are some examples of the things you cannot control and for which should not blame yourself.

Children can be a handful, irritating, hurtful, demanding, moody, and needy. You will discover yourself wanting to avoid dealing with your children so you can get some peace and quiet. You will prefer staying in your workplace to going home, leave them at home, and let them hang out or play outside. You will like doing your work more than dealing with your children because you like and are good with what you do for a living. Talking to your children can be a waste of time because they never listen, you can never understand what they want since they refuse to talk to you, they seem to keep doing things just to make you angry, and you have no idea what to do. It seems and feels easier doing your job. That truly prompts one to wonder why there has been no school for parenting, no qualification or certification needed to be one, and there is no standard guideline on how to raise and manage children.

If you know that you cannot be a fit parent, then do the right thing and never have offspring. Do not be selfish by having them only to neglect, abandon, ignore, disappoint, hurt, or damage them. _The one way to be a great parent when you cannot be one is to not have children_. Do yourself, your future child, and the rest of the world a favor by being wise. You would not need to think about anyone else, worry about them, provide for and emotionally support them, be responsible for them, change yourself for them, or subject yourself to tons of other problems that having a child can and will bring. Your future kid would not have to learn to live without an available and capable parent, to discover that their parent regrets having them, or to have their lives screwed up by their parents. Other people would not have to take care of your child when you abandon them and your kid would not have to hurt or burden others with their issues with you. In addition, your future grandchildren would not endure the same thing you put their parents through. Everyone who wants to be parents says that they can be a great and even the best one. No more than a very few succeed.

There is a huge distinction between planning and experiencing, anticipating and enduring, imagining and living, knowing and doing. You can know, prepare for, and anticipate for everything you can possibly think of but there will still be something wrong later. The situation may be more confusing, you have to deal with circumstances you never expected, or you have not adequate of what is required. There is no guarantee you will always be certain, strong, and confident in the future as you are now. Then again, if you wait until you are absolutely ready, then you will never have children. A good sign that you are ready to become a parent is that you can put aside your own needs and think about your partner's. So is knowing how to cope with pressure and not cracking under it. You do not have to do this if you do not want to. It is not an obligation. You do not have to want to want that. Nobody and nothing can make you do that or anything if you do not wish to. Your ability and knowledge to be a fit parent does not necessarily say that you want to be a parent nor is it relevant. It just means you could be if you wish to be and if you try hard. Your choice is something else entirely. You should never feel ashamed or guilty if you do not feel like having children ever.

### A Reason

Some things ought to have an exceptionally good reason to happen. Having children is certainly one of those things. Whether you do or do not want to have a responsibility that you cannot ever get out of, you had better be sure you know exactly what your reason is and that it is a good one. It will be your only answer to a single question that you will ask yourself many times over the years should you decide to produce and raise an offspring or several of them. Nothing and no one can force you to have children. It is entirely your own decision and one that you must make by yourself, not by or under the pressure of your partner, parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, tradition, society, law, or the government. None of them tell you what to do or which decision is the right or wrong one. Do not make it about anyone or anything else or let them decide just so you will not have to blame yourself if you should regret it. This is about what you want. It has always been and always will be about that. You are the one who will live with the aftermath of that choice.

If you want to bring children into this world, you should first ask yourself what reason you have to do so. Knowing what motivates you can either reassure you or save you from making a very big mistake. If you are trying to get pregnant just to make your spouse happy, then you are basically giving yourself excuse to resent both them and your future offspring. You have to be willing and ready to have a child if you are to love them, to work endlessly striving to support them, and to take care of them. If you just want a baby, then parenting is not what you want. A lot of people like to see and hold babies because they are cute, adorable, and innocent. But they will soon grow out of their sweetness, they have so many needs to provide for, and they will not always do what they are told. If you merely want to satisfy your curiosity and see what it is like to be a parent, go babysit for someone. They will be more than happy to get the free time and you can see the pain and joy that come from having kids.

If this is an attempt to save your marriage that is falling apart, then it is a pathetic and ridiculous one since you are trying to fix a problem by bringing in another. To clarify, babies are a problem when their parents are not ready to have and care for them. A child has nothing to do with what is wrong with your marriage and they certainly cannot make it disappear. It could also be that you wish to have a replacement for your unsatisfactory spouse. You are hoping that there is something or someone good that you can get out of this marriage so it does not have to be a total failure and disappointment. If you are unhappy with your marriage, either make it work or get a divorce. Do not share your misery, regret, and resentment with your kid because they deserve better than a life of bitterness and anger.

Pleasing everyone else is not a good motive to have a child, either. People can ask, pressure, hint, demand, and pester you for as long as they want but it is not your job to fulfill their expectations, especially if what they desire is something that is going to change your life in so many ways. If you caved and it turns out that you cannot handle this being a parent thing, they would tell you that you were not ready, criticize you, judge you, and blame you. There is but a small chance that they will try to understand and help you. The point is, they should not get to make your decisions for you because they are not you. They do not know what you want and what you can do. They are not the ones that have to live your life, either. If you believe that it is the natural thing to do by married couple, then clearly you have not given a lot of thought to the subject. That is a rationalization, not a reason. Either you have one or you do not. If you cannot think of any, then you should not have children until you can. And if you can come up with one, reflect on it to make sure that it is a good one for having a kid.

If you wish to do it to achieve what you believe is a purpose or to give your life meaning, then you should first think about your life from the moment you came into this world until now. Had it no meaning because you had no kids? Will the things that have given you a sense of purpose cease to do so once you become a parent? If you just want to have someone to protect the legacy and heirloom of the family, then you should realize that your children are not your employees or slaves. You are not to plan their destiny even before they are born, you are not to forbid them to make a choice, and you are not to make your life their life because your interests are not all that is important. There is also a very strong possibility that you want a child because you want someone that can and will love you. You may think that children are supposed to love their parents and you long for that. You can also have somebody that you believe you can love for they cannot do anything wrong. A child will and should have his or her own life. It should not be a duty to love or to please their parent. If they want to, then good for you. But it should be their choice, not yours.

There are smarter reasons to be a parent. For instance, you may want to have babies so you and your spouse can have someone to whom you both can give your love. It could be your wish to share and go through side by side the painfully fulfilling experience of bringing up a child. Offspring can also be your way to leave traces, parts, and memories of yourself in this world. However, they are good only if that is what you feel. Do not force or lie to yourself to make you believe something just so you can feel better about becoming a father or a mother. If you comprehend how arduous, demanding, and unpleasant being a parent can be and you decide not to put yourself through that, then no one can stop you. It is logical, which makes it a good motive. On the other hand, if you still like and mean to look after your own kids despite all the risks above, you should have a very good purpose for that too. Having a good reason makes it rational and thus worthwhile to enter and cope with something as bittersweet as parenthood.

### Holding the Horses

Putting the notion of having children on the back burner is not such a bad idea. This thing does not have a deadline. You need not rush anything because it is about what you want when you want it. Your ability to have a child is not going anywhere anyway, at least anytime soon. Give it six months to a year to determine and do what needs to be done. And it is important that during that period you take adequate time to think about it, to talk it over, and to make a decision on it. Regardless of whose thought it is to postpone having children, you should ask or tell your partner the reason. If you believe that one or both of you are not emotionally ready to be a father or a mother, then you have made the right decision waiting. The two of you need to do some soul-searching to understand how a child is going to alter your life and how you are going to handle everything, individually and collectively.

Let the dust settle first with your marriage before you start wanting kids. Allow the excitement to wear off and the real life to kick in so you can start working on it. See first if you both can manage to live together without wanting and trying to kill each other before you even think about putting a child in the middle of it. You need to be happy and comfortable with one another because when the baby comes, it will turn both your lives upside down. If you have no or little problem living inside the same house, then it will certainly be easier for you. Unfortunately, if you cannot go through one day without bickering, then your partner will only become one of the two people that you need to deal with instead of one from whom you can receive support. Do your own share of household chore so as not to trouble and anger your spouse. Learn to communicate anything and without shouting thus you can work out a solution and in the future the baby will not have to wake up and cry. Make adjustments to your irritating habits so you need not fight over them. Start to be more thoughtful so you can show that you want to make it work.

Besides that, right now is your time to enjoy each other's company and the marriage. There may not be many chances for you to really enjoy life once you have to support and look after a child. Most of your time, energy, and cash will need to be given to your kids. You cannot have a night out anymore, you will be unable to unwind in your own home, your sex life will be diminished or put to stop, and you can no longer spend money on things you desire. When you have kids and you want go out, you have to bring them with you and you will see how it will produce the opposite effect of what you expect from having fun. You are going to need to hold, chase, feed, soothe, and yell at them in public places. They are going to hound you to buy them something, people are going to look, and you might have to apologize. So much for a good time. It will be years before you can ever be free again and that is when they get out of the house and can take care of themselves. You might be aware of and ready for these situations, but if you can have some few last moments to take pleasure in your freedom together, then you should do it. You are only young once and you cannot fully enjoy it with a baby in your life. You do not want to look back and regret what you could have done before having children.

Another reason why you ought to wait is you need to be sure you have a good job and enough savings to safely provide for your child. It is your responsibility as a future parent to see to it that their basic needs will not go unfulfilled. You have to be certain that you can put food on the table every day, that they will not lose their home ever, that they can go to school, and that they can get medical treatment should they require any. You should never bring a child into this world if they are only going to be starving, homeless, uneducated, or untreated medically. By ensuring that they can have a good life even before conceiving them, you are proving that you are not doing this just for you but also for them. Show that you are worthy of being a parent to someone by having the financial ability to sustain their necessities. It is not all that you are going to have to give to them, but it is among some of the most crucial ones.

Allow your partner and yourself some time to find your way around caring for your firstborn before even joking about the next one. Both of you need to learn and master tasks such as changing diapers, bathing, dressing, feeding, and putting to bed. You must also deal with sleep deprivation for the baby will keep you up or awaken you at night. In addition, you have to work as a team and prove you can be one. You have to share the amount of work, take turns performing something, give emotional support to one another, and fill in for each other. When you can successfully come to grips with all those things, you can start taking care of yourself. If you have not taken a short nap and a long, relaxed bath for quite some time, you can do both now. And make passionate love because it must have been ages since you were last able to really enjoy it. You used to have too little energy and time for sex and you were too afraid that the noise would wake the baby.

Now you can ask yourself if you can and want to put yourself through the same thing once again. Moreover, do not forget or overlook the fact that when you have a second baby, it will generate more mess and noise, double the workload, and increase the expenditure. All this will occur while you have no additional manpower, no extra strength saved, and no spare money lying around. You should take those things into consideration and bring them up when you discuss the matter with your spouse.

### Common Mistakes

The problem with rushing to get pregnant is that you do not think it through. You might barely give it a second thought. You tell yourself that you can prepare yourself to be ready while waiting. What you might have forgotten is the fact that you have to be ready in nine months time. During that noticeably short interval, you still have to learn how to live together, to continue working, and to deal with the pregnancy. You will scarcely have enough time and energy to do all that, let alone thinking about what to do when the baby is born. Set aside some moments to think the issue through and allocate some time to discuss it. Find and agree on ways that you will handle things later so you have a guideline. If you have little idea what babies usually do, learn about it so you can comprehend what you will be signing up for and see if you have what it takes.

It is very easy to underestimate parenthood when you see others have fun doing it. You are saying to yourself how hard it could be when other people seem to be able to handle it. You think you can do the same or even better than them. What you may forget to think about is that they may have undergone various tests and changes for a long period to get to where they are now. They did not just become the capable parents that you are now seeing. Consider the possibility of you not being able to resolve a problem properly when needed, that your kid might be more difficult to handle, and that you do not have the aptitude, quality, and knowledge that other parents possess. You might also try to convince yourself that your own or your partner's anxiety is not something to be worried about or you are reluctant to admit and share your concern. The reason why you should avoid both of those things is because _when_ it turns out to be a very big problem for you, you are just going to blame each other.

Pushing your partner to have a baby is yet another terrible and perilous idea. When you keep pressuring them to start conceiving, they will cave in to your demand just so you will stop. If your spouse feels pressured into being a parent, they will secretly resent you or worse the child. People cannot love something they do not want. They are going to say it was your fault for forcing them to do it and you are going to blame them for agreeing to it. Your partner is not going to want to have anything or much to do with the child once they are born. You will have to basically be a single parent and your kid must have a cold and distant father or mother. Be a partner who can and want to listen to something that you do not like, be objective, and not be selfish in responding. Be supportive by allowing your partner to have some time to think carefully about it. What you should want is for the both of you to feel that this is the right thing to do and to know the perfect time for it.

### Discussion

This is the very first step of becoming a parent. The objective of this is so you can plan, give, and be what is best for your child. _To be a parent you do not have to have a child first_. This is the moment you become a parent because starting now you are concerned with and do care about the well-being of your child. When you are patient and careful enough to call a meeting with your spouse to exchange views on this important step, it should tell you that you are off to a good start in becoming a great parent. This dialogue is also merely the first of many that you will have regarding your child. The first part of the process is introducing the topic. Do it as early as possible in your marriage so you both have enough time to prepare yourselves. Do not wait until the point where you want to start trying because if there are many things to discuss and prepare then it will be longer. If you decide to postpone conceiving, then set a certain time in the future or a phase in your marriage when and where you will revisit the topic.

Adopt helpful behavior and attitude that can facilitate progress and produce desirable results. Try to think first before responding, be willing to listen, and use a friendly tone, words, and expression. Give each other a chance to articulate feelings, express opinions, and ask questions. Encourage your partner to share their thoughts by being patient and assuring them that you will not get mad or take offense. When it is your turn to talk, make attempt not to begin with what you want but comment on the issue raised by your partner such as your financial situation or lack of parental quality. On the other hand, do elaborate on what seems to be your concern so your partner can fully understand the position you are in, what is troubling you, and can help you figure it out. Whether you are the one with doubts or the one providing the answer or advice, you need to listen attentively and patiently. Come to a decision on whether you will try now or on the time in the future that you will start trying.

You can talk about the obstacles in your plan. It could be that you cannot financially afford to support children now. You can barely make ends meet each month and you still have some debts to pay. Maybe either one or both of you are still at the beginning of your career so you have not much time for raising kids. Or maybe your profession demands you to travel somewhere and possibly stay there for quite some time. Therefore, you will have to be apart from your spouse and that is not a good situation when you are pregnant or have a newborn, as you need all hands on deck. It will be harder for you to take care of your spouse when they are pregnant and it is inconvenient, not to mention risky, to fulfill your duties when you are carrying a child.

State your reservations if you have any. You owe it to your future child to help prepare one of their parents to be competent, strong, and committed and to let them have a nurturing and safe environment to grow up in. Bring it to your spouse's attention if you think that you both are still having difficulties living together and solving your problems. Explain how it is not a good situation for children and for your marriage. Or perhaps you doubt your partner's readiness, abilities, and maturity to rise to the occasion. You are afraid that you will end up looking after your kid all or mostly by yourself because you cannot depend upon your partner. You could ask them to show and prove to you that they can be a good parent to your future kid. Demand to see some changes and improvements on their part like being home more and earlier, being less distracted and consumed by work, and willing to do some housework.

Another possibility is that you are neither ready nor willing to have your freedom taken, which having a child will do. You may feel like you are in a more disadvantageous position for you are the one who will look after the baby once it is born. You may want to keep your jobs and so does your spouse. It all comes down to who makes more and who is more capable of caring for children. Or perhaps you are worried that you are not parent material. If so, tell them so they can help you by listening to your concern, teaching you stuff, and giving you confidence.

Talk at length about what you need to prepare, adjust, and save because it can tell you how much ready you are and what you can do to make sure you are ready. Take some time to think about it if you feel uncertain about or overwhelmed by what is asked of you. You will have to accept that in order to be responsible to your baby, you have to do all those things. Nevertheless, you do not have to do it all at once. You do it one thing at a time to get closer to being ready. If after discussing it you feel positive you can do it, then you should get started right away. And perchance doing all these preparations can open your eyes so that you can see that you are not set to be parents. This can allow you and your spouse to rethink and revisit this matter. As long as you do not get reckless and pregnant, you can have all the time you need to prepare yourselves.

### Preparation

Without a doubt, financial preparation is the first thing you need to take care of. It is an indisputable fact that kids are expensive to support. See if you can comfortably and securely afford your current expenses and determine if and how a baby can fit into your financial plan. To do that, you should think of and list everything a child requires so then you can find out how much they all cost to decide whether your salary can handle it. Remember that as they grow up they will need more things. You have to make sure that you can always pay for it because there is no turning back once they are born. If it does not look good, then you should start saving up for the child's needs and living more frugally in order to obtain more cash for your kids.

To be mentally ready, ask yourself if you want to have a child and if you will ever want to. The rest of it only matters if you wish to be a parent. You can never be ready for something or someone you do not want. You can learn how to be a parent from different sources such as parents, siblings, friends, and books. They can answer your questions, give you advice, and ease your doubt. You also need to confront and overcome your fear of being a parent or giving birth. You cannot be scared all the time if you are to have a child. You must have faith in yourself; that you will know what to do when there is something wrong. Tell now and remind yourself later that being afraid hinders your ability to make good decisions for your kid.

Delivering a baby hurts like you cannot imagine, but after that you will get what you have always wanted. You can do it because you want to hold them, see their face, hear their voice, and raise them. Be willing to give up or postpone your pursuit of success if you believe that this is important and this is what you want. Some people find courage, strength, and confidence in preparing for what will happen but that alone will not be enough as the actual experience will be slightly or very different. It is easy to lose those things and you will for many times over the years. Finding them again is going to be long and tricky but that is how you know how good you are as a parent and how you try to be a great one.

And last but not least, there is the environmental preparation. You have to live in a surrounding that is suitable for raising children and for they to live in. You need a house instead of an apartment so you will have more space and rooms available, no boxes or stuff full with dust, and no loud noises from neighbors that might disturb the baby. Rearrange your life as a couple so you are able to hash out your problems and settle your disputes peacefully. Kids need nurturing and not hostile environment if they are to grow up happily and you have to be sure that you can provide that consistently. Begin doing chores and running errands together so you can develop and strengthen your sense of teamwork. You can clean the house, do laundry, wash dishes, or pay the bills. It may take quite some time before you even realize that you can finally complement each other. But if you are going to have a baby together, you had better be a team that can depend on and trust each other.

### Adjustments

Being a parent is all about changes and changes mean adaptations. Starting from the moment you decide to get pregnant, you should be thinking of and making the necessary adjustments. Keep in mind that you need to make adjustments now and later. Be aware of them all and start accepting them. Commence doing what you can from now so you can see if you can do it and begin getting used to it. On the financial front, you could restructure your budget or even start and learn to structure it. Since the amount you bring in will remain the same and the expenses grow bigger, you simply have to make some cutbacks in order to get by.

You also need to give up the things in your life that can interfere with your time, ability, and attention as a caregiver. You may not have to say goodbye to them forever, but it is a sure thing that you at least have to change the manner in which you do them so your child can come first. Moreover, there must not be any smoking, drinking, drugs, or coffee from both parties during the pregnancy so as to ensure that the baby will turn out fine in every aspect. You must endeavor to be at home as much as you can, help out more with the chores, and be less distant with one another.

### The Attempts

For couples, the next greatest joy after the birth of their child is the moment they learn that they are pregnant. Conceiving is swift and straightforward for some, but others have to go through a slightly or much harder and longer process. If your attempts have been fruitless for a while, then you should consult a doctor. Normally, you only need to adjust your time or method of conceiving, but the other times it is something no one ever wants to have to hear. Saying that it is difficult to come to terms with the idea of not being able to have your own child is putting it mildly. You are angry with yourself, your spouse, and the universe for dealing you bad cards. You wonder why you cannot get a child normally like everyone else. You do good things and you are a good person so you deserve to obtain a reward of some kind and certainly not punishment, hardship, or predicament. Dealing with this shocking reality will take some time so you can absorb and process it. Nevertheless, after that you need to discuss your options.

If adoption is the solitary way for you to be parents, then you should begin talking about it so you can tell each other what you think about it, assuming you still want to be parents. Adoption is something that you should ponder and discuss thoroughly as it is not so simple. You have to get used to the notion of raising a child that is not biologically yours. Loving someone else's child is not easy for everybody and you have to ask yourself if you can and will at least try. Talk with your spouse so you can help and support each other with this. Bear in mind that the one and only thing that is different with adoption is that the child is not your own blood. However, that should not change your ability to be a parent. And you should continue trying while going through the adoption procedure. There is no downside to getting intimate on a regular basis because something good might occur.

### Pregnancy

Get yourselves familiar with what usually happens during pregnancy so you will not freak out over every little thing. Learn as much as you can about it from various sources so you will know what is best to do in any specific circumstances. And it is even more crucial if this is your first pregnancy. You can and must be prepared, cautious, and careful. You can never be too careful when it comes to keeping the pregnancy safe. A miscarriage or a premature delivery has a very big chance of occurring and nobody wants that.

Being pregnant is very uncomfortable physically. Therefore, it will require you to make some temporary adjustments and to experience unusual things in your daily life. Difficult as it may be, at some point during the pregnancy you need to stop doing hard and dangerous labor so nothing undesirable should come about. Watch what you eat since you are now eating for two and some food may not sit well with you during pregnancy. Limit your exposure to hazardous materials like cigarette smoke, polluted air, and contaminated water. Have someone check up on you every couple of hour, preferably your spouse, to make sure that you are always safe and sound. Moreover, as a husband, you should help your wife move around since pregnancy significantly limits a person's movement such as climbing up stairs, going to the bathroom, getting on and off the bed. Take care of the household tasks and the errands too because even though only one of you is carrying the child, the pregnancy affects you both.

It truly is a singular experience to hold your baby in your arms for the very first time. It is the instant you become aware that you are a father or a mother. The world is a different place and your life a different meaning. This momentous event stirs up a mix of various kinds of feelings and reactions inside you, which can be physically and emotionally overwhelming. The easy part has passed. Now comes the hard part.

##  CHAPTER 14  
New Beginning

### The Age of Chaos

The greatest thing about having a newborn is watching your bundle of joy grow up with each passing day. They are going to start yawning, laughing crawling, standing up, walking, saying first word, and talking. Alas, the great part is not all. While babies can be cute, looking after them is anything but. More often than not, your baby just will not seem to stop crying and you have no idea why. You feel like you are losing your mind hearing the crying. And to make matters worse, you are at your wit's end as to how to soothe them. You have fed, changed, burped, rocked, and sung to them but nothing appears to be working. This has to happen every single day and therefore you cannot have peace in doing everything. Whether you are eating, sleeping, showering, cooking, doing housework, or reading, the infant will interrupt you and occupy your mind. Everybody needs all the help they can get with their baby especially if it is their firstborn and they have never dealt with babies prior to this. Learning how to be a parent for the very first time is not going to be a plain sailing. Parents, friends, neighbors, family, or a sitter can aid you in taking care of your baby if you are confident that they know their way around babies.

Prepare their meals and make certain they eat especially if they do not want to. Bathe them and put them to bed when it is naptime and bedtime. Play with them so they need not be alone from a very young age. Keep dangerous materials such as sharp and flammable objects away and out of the baby's reach. Babies touch and play with everything they can get their hands on. What is worse is they also put everything in their mouth. They will eat rat poison if they find one because they do not know any better. See to it that everything they touch, use, wear, eat, play with, and sleep on is clean. Never let them out of your sight and reach so you can always ensure their safety. With you watching them they will not play on or near the stairs or wander around in public sites.

Kids run around, scream, break things, and make a mess every single day. Your little one might be a kicker, screamer, runner, scratcher, breaker, hitter, spitter, jumper or a combination of several of those. Whichever it is, what you need to do is show them that you will not allow it any longer. You have to be patient, strict, and strong because they will not make it easy and swift for you to discipline them. They may obey your warning, but they are going to do it again the next chance they get. It is going to be like that until you either give up or do something else. You can choose to employ positive or negative reinforcements. To stay nice, you can promise to take them somewhere or buy or give them something like ice cream. If you are not afraid to be the bad guy, you can scold or take their playthings. However, the one thing that you should remember is that this is not a prelude to a lifetime of controlling them. You can tell them what to do when they are still kids because they have not yet the capability and time to understand many things. Nevertheless, as they get older they will want to do things they desire and there is only little you can do to stop it.

Arrange a schedule so everything will be more manageable and organized around the house. It can help kids knowing what to do so they will not have to look for one that will drive you mad. They can get acclimated to the timetable from as early as possible. Plus, you can conserve a considerable amount of time and energy from trying to do many things all at once and unplanned. It goes without saying that as they grow up, the schedule will have to adapt with their activities at school and home. Make one for when they are supposed to get up, eat, play, study, take a nap, take a bath, and go to bed.

Your home is different because now it is a lot messier and noisier. With kids in the house, there is a lot more work for you with no extra time, energy, and help. They will break, spill, tear everything and exhaust you to the point where you cannot properly clean up the house. Moreover, you also cannot do some work or relax your tired mind and body as the kids never seem to stop bothering you. You can only have the house to yourself when they are off to bed or school. It is going to take a while before you have everything under control at home with the kids.

### Point of No Return

Parenting is the final phase of your transition from a child that was taken care of to an individual that cared for himself or herself to a parent that has to look after their kid. When you had your parents, guardians, or caregivers, you did not need to trouble yourself much getting something. They lived your life for you although gradually they simply made things easier so you could begin to learn. When you were on your own, you knew what you wanted and needed and you had the skills to get it. You were not scared to do anything with your body and life because you believed that you knew and could handle the outcome.

However, with a child, you have little idea what to do when they cry or are ill. You cannot be a hundred percent sure that you are doing the right thing. You could not care less when you did something dangerous with yourself or if anything happened to you but with your baby, you just cannot stop feeling uneasy. You can live with the results of your actions but you cannot and will not let others, especially your own child, suffer the consequences.

As a parent, it is your duty to make all kinds of decisions for the child like what they eat and what to do when they are sick. And that cannot be easy if you have no knowledge of and experience in child care. It can be confusing to learn about what to do and how to do something right. It is terrifying to think that your decisions are bad and may harm your child physically, emotionally, and psychologically. What you must remember though is that while a concerned parent is a good thing, a frightened parent could be disadvantageous to a child. Your kid can sense if you are afraid and a prolonged exposure to that will hamper or even damage their proclivity to be joyful.

You should not allow fear to be one of the things that you pass on to them. It might seem to you now that anything you do and everything you feel are incorrect. That could be true, but that does not mean that you cannot do something about it. You can learn about child care from your parents, friends, physician, or books. When making a decision, use common sense and trust your own judgment. That has been the way to do it since the beginning of time. If you become afraid, find a good cause that can warrant it. Should you find none, then it is probably nothing. You just need to worry because you think that something is going to happen and you want to prepare for it. If you discover something troubling, then remain calm. You cannot think and make a good decision when you are panicking.

Making unplanned adjustments is something you need to face in your capacity as a father or a mother. You might need to spend time and money for yourself much less than you had anticipated or predicted. You have to get used to sleep deprivation because your infant keeps you up all night. You have to get home as soon as possible after work or you need to stay at home all day except for when you were running errands. You have to get rid of your things that are not suitable or safe for children. Your life has to revolve around your children. You have to become stronger and much more selfless as it is not only you or just about you anymore. Your wants must take a backseat to the needs and the interests of your kids.

### Partners and Parents

Looking after a child is a supremely demanding and consuming job. You can be too busy and exhausted that as a result, you may have only little time for and pay less attention to your partner. There is almost no time, energy, and desire left for being intimate since all you long for is a peaceful and quiet rest after a very long, hard day. It could also be that you like to spend your time with the baby more than with your spouse. These all can make your partner feel neglected. Selfish as it may be, you cannot honestly blame them for wanting to get your attention and affection. If anything, you should be glad that they still need something from you. It is when they seem okay without you that you should be alarmed. You can do the simple things every day like having a conversation about what happened at work, give them a kiss when they go off to work or get home, and have dinner with them. For big stuff like sex, you both can compromise by making a schedule on when and how many times you do it in a week.

Taking a look at this from another point of view, it might soon appear that all your partner can talk or has talked about lately is your kid. You rarely talk about what is going on with other parts of your life that concerns other people or what you want to or should do together. They have become crankier, bossier, less patient, more distant, and more sensitive. Add to that the fact that they practically have no time available to go out, to socialize, and to have fun with other adults without worrying about the child. You have to understand, though, that they realize they have a responsibility as a parent to your child, that they are just trying to do their job, and that this is all part of parenthood. Do endeavor not to be another whining baby whose needs they have to fulfill and whose problems they must also handle. Be an adult and talk to them about what you want rather than getting upset all of a sudden and for no apparent reason. Cut them some slack because they might be still attempting to get to grips with this parenting thing. Aid them in doing their tasks because you are the parent of the kid as well and so they will have time to be with you too.

The way you handle problems must also change to avoid being seen or heard by the kids when you are arguing. You need to be more subtle and you have to find the right time and place to talk. Never fight about anything in front of the kids or within earshot. Another thing you should try is to set aside your differences better and more often for the benefit of your children as it is not just about you anymore. You need to give the impression that everything is fine between you two even if it is not. No child likes to witness their parents bickering and quarreling especially if it happens regularly. They will become scared of you from seeing you angry. They are going to decide who is right and wrong, side with the former, and hate the latter. They are going to worry and burden themselves with your disputes. They are going to take it upon themselves to restore the harmony between you. Therefore, it is imperative that children do not grow up in a hostile environment because they learn how to interact with people and settle conflicts from their parents.

_Parenting changes everything from your life, your relationship with your partner, your routine, and your priority_. If you are not careful, you might be letting a distance form between you. You could be living in different worlds without recognizing it. You need to remember that you are not just parents. Your children should not be the single subject you can talk about, the one reason you do things together, and the one and only thing that prevents you from enjoying your relationship. Some things should never change because their significance is too vital. Stay close as a couple so that even without your children, you still know how to be around each other and take pleasure in the company of one another. Knowing how to be and how great it is to be romantic partners will let you enjoy another kind of happiness beside parenthood, remind you of the reason you are together, and give you more strength to cope with parenting duties.

##  CHAPTER 15  
The Village

### Great Parents

Everyone wants to be the best parents they can be for their kids. When it comes to what being great parents is about, people have different definitions, standards, and opinions and those things affect how they see and do their jobs. Some believe it is about loving the kids. Others think it is about giving them everything they can possibly need and ever desire. Many measure it by how much the kids love them back. Few say it is enough if the kids are alive and healthy. The rest opine that it is about making sure they can be successful in their lives. Every parent wants to be the greatest but most of the time it is very hard to be the kind of parent that their children wish and need them to be. Parents have weaknesses, limitations, and issues. The fact that kids compare their parents with their friends' is not helping since it adds more pressure to you to live up to their expectations.

There is a couple of indicators you can employ to determine your quality as a father or a mother. First of all, as long as they are safe, healthy, strong, and not hungry plus you have given them everything you can, then you should consider yourself a great parent. You should regret nothing about being unable to give them better lives. Second of all, if you put their needs ahead of yours in making decisions, then you are an amazing parent. Knowing what is right to do is just the easier half of it. The true test is whether you are able to sacrifice yourself for your child. As for how you can reach that goal, you can be a marvelous parent in your own way. Show and admit to them your flaws and shortcomings so they can strive and learn not to be that way. Teach them any skills that you have found useful, vital, and valuable in your life. Instead of trying to be the sort of parent you are not, take a look at yourself and your kid and see what they need from you and what you can give them.

### Setting Priority

Getting your priorities straight vis-à-vis children is done firstly by remembering and establishing that they are now and always ahead of you and your partner. You have to start doing things that you do not like if it means for the greater good, which is your child. You need not like it, but you have to do it nonetheless. Prove to them that you care about what happens to them and what is going on in their lives. It is normal if you would rather talk with your friends, watch television, or go out than to feed, bathe, and clean up after your kids. It is physically and emotionally exhausting to perform these tasks but that is what parents do. Children need to see that their parents actually notice them and give them proper attention. If they see, hear, feel, or sense that their parents do not want to make an effort to be a part of their lives, they will assume that their parents do not love them.

Assigning priorities to your duties as a parent is crucial for some tasks are inarguably more important than others are. Providing for them is definitely number one and that is why you go to work every day. In addition, you take care of them by preparing their meals, washing their clothes, and supervising them. Nevertheless, you also need to be there for them; to help them understand this world, to play with them, to be someone they can talk to. Find some time to be with them so that they will never have to get used to you not being around. Keeping a balance is pivotal as kids do require other things. Just because you have prioritized several things above others does not mean that you should overlook the latter. Making sure their necessities are sustained is not enough if you do not teach them the lessons of life, spend some quality time with them, and get to know each other more. Yes, you are busy enough as it is with your job and housework. But this is your responsibility. If you do not want them to make the wrong choices, then you have to be there with them every step of the way to guide them until they are absolutely ready and fully prepared to be on their own. Connect and bond with them so you will not grow apart.

Let them know that they can come to you with anything. But merely uttering the words does not suffice. You have to make it easy for them to make that decision. Children care about their parents and when they see that you already have too much on your plate, they will not want or dare to disturb or distress you with their problems. They might think that they should be able to handle their own troubles and it is not fair that they do not do anything on their own. They want to help you in any way they can and they believe not asking you for more is it. Kids know too well that you cannot turn your back on them when they share their issues with you without feeling a little guilty. Thus, they are going to say they are okay and fine and nothing is wrong when you ask how they are doing. Or they may be reluctant to speak to you of their difficulties because you seem to have a lot on your mind and you appear to be in a bad mood and could lose your temper when agitated. You and they know that it is your job to be there when they are in need of you. However, on one hand, they do not want to feel guilty for adding your burden while on the other you want to be a good parent whom their children can turn to and rely upon. What you can do is set aside time for them every day, control your emotions in the house and around them, and remind them that they are more important than anything else.

### Protection

There are many people and things you have to protect your kids from and there are a lot of ways to do it. First, you must guard them against strangers. Execute this by never ever leaving your kids alone at home or unwatched in public spots. Tell them to ask before opening the door, to never accept anything from or follow someone they do not recognize, and to always stay close to you. Shield them from the bad things in the world by controlling what they watch, listen to, and read. They need not be exposed to violence, obscenities, suffering, catastrophes, tragedies, cruelty, and tons of other things from early age. They will eventually be conscious of all those but it should be from you or when they are old enough. Let them know little by little as they grow up so they can be aware of those things without being obsessed with them. Keep them safe from their instincts and emotions by disallowing them to do things that can pose danger to them.

Protect them from friends who can be enemies or are actually backstabbers; the ones that pretend to be their friends but talk about your children behind their back, say bad things about them, lie to them, and do things without them. Moreover, keep them away from people who are a bad influence to them, the ones that can persuade them to smoke, drink, do drugs, skip school, cheat, bully, insult, and so forth. As opposed to forbidding them, explain why you do not think it is good that they keep company with those individuals. Lastly, you need to protect them from you. Refrain yourself from pushing them to do things, spoiling them, hitting them, traumatizing them, and basically everything that makes you a lousy and difficult parent.

You are and will always be worried about them and that is why you are or have to be so protective. Better they hate you but be safe than for them to be hurt on account of you. No good deed goes unpunished. And better they get hurt on your watch so you can help them heal. Forbid them and fight them if that is what it takes to keep them safe. Parenting is not about being liked. It is about thinking of and doing what is best for the children. And as they grow older, it is going to become much harder to get through to them, to teach them, and to protect them. More often than not, children want full and sole control of their own lives. But they have no idea how many things they must learn and how important those things are; things such as how to take care of themselves, how to provide for themselves, or how to assess situations and make good decisions. Teenagers, in particular, want to get out of their homes and start living by themselves with new people or at least not going home to seek and have fun elsewhere. They easily forget that there are many threats to their safety out there and that home is their sanctuary.

You can, must, and should keep them out of harm's way but you have to accept that you cannot protect them eternally. Soon or late, a child will lose his or her innocence and the worse thing is you can neither stop it nor choose when and how it is going to come about. No matter how much, long, and hard you strive to keep them safe, it is only a matter of time before they get physically, psychologically, or emotionally hurt because they follow their instincts. They do things even if it is bad, dangerous, harmful, or silly because they want to try and they cannot know beforehand that they should not until after they have done it. You need to make sure they will not do it but they will always try.

Every parent wants to keep making decisions for their children because they believe they know what is best for them. The children could also have a history of making some unwise decisions that does not help the situation. Alas, children will not see it that way and will attempt everything to go after what they desire until they get it or just resent you. However, you can give them counsel about what you think they should do and let them decide if they want to listen or not. Let and watch them do something the way they want and be ready to commend or comfort them for either outcome. If they are wrong then they can reflect upon your caution or counsel and learn from their blunder. It is not the wish of any parents to see their offspring commit errors but they need to if they are to learn their lessons.

While protecting them, it is also your responsibility to prepare them to survive on their own since you will not be around for good. Never allow or enable them to stay being children forever and not to want to grow up. This is your way of ensuring their safety when you are unable to be there for them. Most parents believe that it is their job to prevent their kids from making _any_ mistakes. That is not entirely wrong, but it is slightly inaccurate. Parents are supposed to let their children make their own choices because it is how they learn. It is part of growing up. Sometimes those decisions can result in mistakes, but the other times they lead to progress and success. Parents come in when the youngsters realize the error in their judgment to explain to them why they should not have done what they have done, the concept of actions and consequences, and why they let them go through with it. You can also ask the kids to come to you for advice in the future so that you can guide and teach them as best as you can.

### Befriend

Never let it happen that you and your children become virtually a stranger to one another. Since you have separate occupations, different friends, and distinct pursuits, you need to do something to ensure that you can still have a connection. Make it a priority to spend some quality time with them every day even if it is just for short and casual conversations. Take an interest in their lives. Show them that you can and genuinely want to be a part of their lives. If you do not truly mean it or you cannot maintain it then they will be disappointed in you, be angry with you, and you may not be able to fix that ever. And every so often you can be too late to forge a relationship with your kids because they will not let you in, they push you away, they want nothing to do with you anymore, or they feel uncomfortable around you.

Explain to them how to be in a parent-child relationship so you can be their parent and friend at the same time. This will also help them understand when you do something that a parent should do. Build a mutual respect between you and them so they do not fear you but still acknowledge your authority. Make it clear to them that even though you are friends, you will not permit them to come home late, allow them to do questionable things, or give them money for something unnecessary. You may also discover that they are more comfortable talking and sharing their lives with their friends than they are with you. You were kids once so you can understand that there are some things that children simply do not tell their parents. They are afraid that you will get mad at them, they are embarrassed by it, or they do not want to let you down. Do not push them to talk about it, or to do anything really, but let it go. If they want to tell you, they will. If not, what are you going to do about it?

To bond with your child, set aside some time where you, they, and perhaps your partner as well can do something together. You could do stuff with them by inviting them to join you, asking them what they want to do, or if you can participate in whatever it is they are doing. You can introduce them to your hobby to see if it can pique their interest. Maybe you like fishing, collecting items, playing sports, enjoying nature, or watching movies. Other choices from which you can pick including baking cookies, going to sports games, fixing cars, going horseback riding. There are simply too many activities, pastimes, or hobbies that you can bond over. Bring them along to your workplace if it is possible so they can be familiar with what it is that you do and how hard you work for them. Ask or let them help you with your work occasionally. Teach them how to do what you do so they can assist you. They may just want to or they can grow to like that.

More often than not, people forget that it is not just about becoming a part of the kids' worlds but _it is also about letting them be a part of the lives of their parents_. Tell each other what is going on in your life because kids do not really like it if they are the ones who have to answer questions. You could start the conversation by asking them what they did that day, what their favorite things are, or what they plan to do in the upcoming days. Later you could tell them how your day went, what is new with your life, or ask their advice on something. Recount stories about your life to your children so they can be familiar with their father or mother and possibly benefit from your experience. It is perfectly normal to feel afraid, awkward, and embarrassed to tell your stories or share your feelings but you should do it anyway. Children need an insight into the lives and minds of their parents.

### Teacher

Kids have to leave their family someday so they can start a new one of their own. Hence, you need to warn them that unless they learn, they cannot and will not survive in this jungle of a world. You have been in this world and experienced life far longer than them. Undoubtedly, you are aware that that they need to possess some skills if they are to live through every challenge that life will throw their way.

First, ask yourself what kind of a man or a woman you want them to become and what you would want them to have in their lives. Once you know what is best for them, you can think of the ways to make it happen. In addition to attention, it also takes time for your children to obtain those attributes. They will not just suddenly and magically be those things. In a perfect world, you can teach by being an example because you are all the things you want your children to be. Alas, the one you live in is far from that one. Therefore, what you can do is explain the benefits of having a specific quality, use other people's lives as examples, let them know about your own mistakes so that they can choose and strive to be better, or make an effort to change yourself so your child can actually learn from watching you.

You should not use the 'do as I say, not as I do' approach for your children will call and see you as hypocrite when you do so. If you cannot be a good role model, then do not set a bad example. Kids look up to someone for their role model. Being their parent, you will be the first person they see. So, it is your responsibility to be a decent example for them. Nevertheless, if you feel like they need more than what you can give, then guide them to use the lives and achievements of other people as something from which they can learn, become inspired, and get the determination to emulate.

Having good intentions is not and will never be sufficient so long as you do not employ a reliable approach into your cause. It means that at times your own ways of doing things are not exactly famous for yielding desirable results and may actually hinder progress or even put the whole thing in jeopardy. You must not permit things such as pride, stubbornness, judgment, anger, impatience get in the way of the greater good. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Most if not all children cannot comprehend their parents' good intentions at first, but if you believe that they can benefit from your methods, then continue on and hope that one day they can see for themselves what you had planned and prepared them for.

You can only teach and do so much for them because they can and need to know other things from other people. On that note, you should not blame yourself if they turn out differently than you had hoped, as there are things, people, forces that shape them that are beyond your control. Moreover, it is imperative that you have no misconception about what and how you are trying to teach your children. It is more often than you would think that when people attempt to teach their children something, things go awry. See to it that your children are not getting the wrong lessons, messages, or impressions. Be careful not to teach them to be arrogant, gullible, self-righteous, narcissistic, vulnerable, and so forth.

_Successful_. Do not force them to be or do something that they do not want to even if you know it is good for them. Instead, help them understand your reasons and intentions and give them the choice to decide for themselves what they want. Assist them in pinpointing their strengths, talents, or potential as well as dealing with their weaknesses. Another angle from which you can tackle this is through helping them find something they can be good at and wish to be. Introduce them to a variety of fields such as art, science, music, sports, public service, design, business, and others. You could also ask why they want to be something and offer them your opinions and advice for that dream. Explain what you know about each line of work: why they might like it, what kind of future they will be looking at, and how to succeed in it. Help them figure out and decide what they want to be in the future because kids change their minds more often than a bird flaps its wings. Moreover, occasionally they need to be pushed to try something and not to capitulate easily. Encourage them to dream big and aim high but more importantly, you must teach, guide, and aid them to fulfill their ambition.

Your ways of helping your children reach their dreams is not limited to paying for their school because there are other ways in which you can be of service. Set aside some time to help them studying and doing assignments, listen to the difficulties they are facing, tell them that regret is one of the danger of giving up, let them know that they have you to get through hard times, or enlighten them by explaining the purpose and necessity of the trials they have to pass. Train them how to manage and use their time effectively and efficiently. Believe in them and motivate them to keep trying until they are successful or sure they have given it the full extent of their efforts and abilities. When they commit errors, face obstacles, and meet failures, do remind them that no one excels and succeeds at something without perseverance and practice. They need your physical and emotional support because with children, doubt and fear come very quickly but do not go so easily.

_Honorable_. Explain to your kids how doing the right thing especially in difficult situations can make them feel proud of themselves. Help them understand that not only is cheating wrong, but it can also prevent them from becoming better. You should teach them to play by the rules. Tell them that they must always keep their word because that is how people can decide to trust and respect them. Make certain they know that it is important they honor the word they give someone else so they need not be ashamed to look in the mirror. Teach them to never steal and to always pay for stuff, how people must work to be able to get what they want, and the value of an honest day's work.

_Independent_. Let your child take care of their own responsibilities such as cleaning up their rooms, making their own beds, washing the dishes, doing their own homework, and so on. In addition, make sure they do not misinterpret your intentions to make them independent as a sign that they always have to do everything and solve their problems alone. Assure them that they can still come to you asking for assistance and counsel but they need to be the one doing something. And it does not mean they love you any less just because they do not need you as much as they used to. It is natural for you to want to feel needed but do not let that be the reason why you will not let your children live their own lives.

_Responsible_. Explain to them how by being responsible they are showing people, including and starting with their parents, that they can be trusted and relied upon. Start giving them more responsibilities so they can learn and prove themselves. It is always best to start with small and uncomplicated things so the kids will not have too many difficulties in performing their duties. Hopefully their successes with the simpler tasks can be a motivation when they are dealing with harder situations. You have to clarify what and how to do something in order for them to show that they are responsible so there will be no misconception. For example, you can show them how to pay the bills so they know how to do it later, they can be more responsible with money, and they can appreciate your hard work and the things they have more. You can also give them a pet, buy them a toy, or assign them chores around the house.

Do not allow them to quit something when things start to get tough. Praise them for the job well done, cheer them up when they encounter setbacks or fail, and make sure they have their punishments or feel the consequences for being unable to show their responsibility. That is so they can try harder next time and they will not trick you into giving them countless more responsibilities knowing that even if they fail they will be granted another chance. Take from them the privileges and the playthings and do not give those back until they can prove themselves trustworthy.

_Confident_. Help them see and deal with parts of themselves that they are having trouble accepting such as physical features, abilities (social, physical, mental), financial situation, and so on. Teach them to accept that failures, mistakes, and flaws are all parts of success and they always will be whether they try or not so they might as well give it a shot. Give them compliments for having done something good and encouragement for when they are attempting to accomplish something as a sign of support. Show them the importance of standing up for themselves and how to accomplish that.

_Mature_. Do not let them get away scot-free when they do something wrong because they need to understand consequences. Select between lectures and punishments as your technique to teach them. Refrain from coddling them for that will prevent them from growing up. It is extremely important they know that they cannot always get what they want, sometimes they have to work for something because not everything will just be handed to them, and everything will not always go their way. Provide them with anything important to their development and future, but do not always give them what they ask for. This is one of the biggest favors and lessons you can do for and teach them respectively, because as someone who has experienced life you must surely be aware that life is hard, cruel, and unfair.

_Polite_. Show them the proper way to greet people and to answer people's questions, to ask for something, to apologize to and thank someone, and to talk to people they encounter. Instruct them to let the elders go first when getting on or off the bus, to give up their seat, to help with their loads, to open doors for people, and to listen when others are talking. Advise them to be respectful to everyone especially if they find it very difficult to do so because without it there can be no harmony between people.

_Loyal_. They should realize that it is painful to be betrayed by someone so they are not likely to do that to anyone. Explain to them how they are not going to be able to trust themselves when they cannot remain faithful to someone and how other people are going to think twice before trusting them. Enlighten them about the various kinds of disloyalty they have to avoid such as talking behind their friend's back, selling out someone in exchange for something, or reveal secrets that somebody confided to them. Let them understand that loyalty is a virtue and therefore something they can be proud of.

_Wise_. Children need to learn that there are repercussions to their every action that they often cannot predict. Advise them to use logic and caution to make decision as opposed to impulse, mood, and emotion. Remind them never to let feelings get the better of them. Show them that they need to think first and think hard before they act so they will not regret their choice. You could also teach them how to spend and save their money so they know the best way to utilize their capitals.

_Strong_. Tough love can certainly make your children tough, but it comes with a cost that is resentment. You may think you are doing the right thing and it is necessary but you may not give your children enough chances and room to know and connect with you. Your child deserves to know the other sides of you and see you as someone else other than their strict parent. If you do not show real, genuine love once in a while, they will eventually believe that you simply hate them. Do not expect your kids to understand why you are doing this because after all, they are just children who think that they should be loved by their parents. There are times when you do not have to be so cold and tough. When they are going through something bad, you can endeavor to be loving, caring, and supportive. There is strong, there is just plain cruel.

In order to get them to be strong, sometimes you have to stand back, stop protecting them, and let them get hurt because they need to be wounded first if they are to have knowledge of what stronger is and become it. You too should be stronger in the process since watching them grow stronger is a part of it. You should not interrupt all the time but let them summon their own strength to face their trials and learn their lessons. Teach them not to run away when things get hard but to face them because that is the sole way to become stronger.

_Healthy_. Make sure your kids know how to be hygienic with their body by teaching them the importance of washing their hands, brushing their teeth, cleaning their ears, and showering. Try explaining the benefits of having a clean and healthy body. Control what they eat and drink everyday by making sure the food and beverage are clean and nutritious. Encourage them to eat healthy food and be on a safe diet so they can grow well and have strong body. Make them stay away from smoking, drinking, and drugs not by scaring them straight although it usually works. Just describe to them the danger and effects that those things have to their body, mind, future, and life.

_Kind_. Guide them to see that it is important and good to be nice to people because they would want people to be kind to them too. Explain it to them as well that anyone deserves the same kindness from them and in turn, people will have no cause not to reciprocate. Tell them that it is unkind to make fun of, laugh at, or hurt anybody. Let them know that the fun they get out of doing so comes at the expense of somebody else's pain. They must understand that people will not like them because of it and worse they themselves will not, either. Show them that they have to be considerate of the feelings of others and it does not have to be that way for them to seek amusement. They can choose to help, share, befriend, and play with others so they all can have a wonderful time together and no one has to be hurt. It is nice to be nice.

_Happy_. Many parents let their child do anything as they please and give them anything they want as a consequence of the parents' misconception about making children happy and wanting to get their love. You are just overcompensating your unhappy childhood and unfulfilled wishes by giving your kids what you wanted but could not get. And the guilt for not being able to shower your kids with worldly possessions can influence you to allow them more freedom as well as leniency that will potentially and ultimately result in their lack of discipline and character.

It must be killing you even for just a little bit to see the look on your kids' faces when they see their friends playing with cooler toys, wearing nicer clothes, and living in bigger houses. It becomes too much sometimes that you cannot help but to act recklessly and do things that you will regret. You might spend too much money on something for them, take a loan to buy them things, or even stoop to illegal activity like stealing. If you are now or ever will be in that type of situation, ask yourself if your kids want those things more than their parents' security and peace of mind. Maybe it is you that must be strong all along. It should never be lost to you that while you may be unable to offer your children much in the belongings department, you can still give them useful lessons, valuable counsels and priceless examples. These things can help them look and fight for their own happiness with your help as their parent. One simple yet important lesson that you can teach them is how to be grateful for the things that they get and to appreciate the ones they already have.

As you can see, there are many things you can and need to teach your children. You need a substantial amount of time to be able to do all of them due to several reasons. They are not that simple to do, there will be setbacks to recover from, it is a continuous and long process, and there are many other things they can learn as it is obvious that all of the above is but the tip of the iceberg. In more ways than one, your children need your time, knowledge, experience, advice, sacrifice, effort, and patience. Yes, it is about _their_ needs, not yours because the two are now, or at least should be, interrelated.

### Teamwork

Parenting is a two persons' job and not one so you should use that advantage to be capable, complete, and available parents. Be aware of each other's strengths and weaknesses so you can divide responsibilities and support one another. In addition to trusting each other's abilities, be striving to answer that trust. Respect each other's decisions regarding the children and if you disagree, call a meeting to confer it. Never assign blame for it accomplishes nothing helpful. Instead, be forgiving and sympathetic. You need to cover for your partner whenever necessary. Sometimes they have to go out of town or are sick and cannot take care of the kids. Therefore, it is imperative that you both know how to carry out tasks like bathing the baby or preparing their milk and have pertinent knowledge about your child's life so you can decide what is best to do.

Maintain a continuous exchange of information so you both are always up to speed with anything related to your child and you can make the same decision. Always talk to your partner about issues concerning your children like problems they are facing or the ones you are having with them so you can find a solution and carry it out together. Help each other handle the kids so they cannot overpower you. If your partner has to feed one kid and they cannot help the other with their homework, then you should lend them a hand. Support one another both in front of and behind the kids because it is crucial that your children never witness you undermine your partner for it will precipitate a similar action on your children's part.

If you find that your partner does not give adequate time and attention to their parenting duties, be sure and tactful to bring that to their attention. Perhaps they seem to prefer going out somewhere, meeting up with friends, or relaxing when you could really use their help dealing with the children. You could be tired and stressed out doing all the heavy lifting and they could not seem to care less. You might notice that they just want to be there for the good, fun, and easy moments but they run away when it comes to tough, difficult, and demanding situations.

In partnership, you must not and cannot let one or several mistakes get between you. Parenthood is a tie that binds and that can never be broken. Consequently, use those blunders as things that you can learn about and from. You need to get the hang of the job together and help each other in the process. Enlist your partner to give you a hand and some guidance to do something. Give constructive criticisms as well as motivation to your partner and be strong to receive some yourself. Even if you are a better parent than your partner is, still allow them do some parenting on their own and help them get better at it. If you were as great of a parent as you claim to be, you would agree that it is best for your child's welfare to grow up with two able parents. In addition, should you ever feel that you have not a clue how or do not have what it takes to be a competent parent, you will have your partner to your rescue.

Parenting is not a competition to win your kids' love. Integrate your parenting styles so the kids are not confused and need not choose which one of you is their favorite. You can be cool and strict together, you can both be the good guys and the bad guys. Have a discussion so you can work on agreeing to the same philosophy that you will adopt and implement together. That way none of you will have to blame or envy the other when your children turn out badly or well.

##  CHAPTER 16  
There Is More than One of Everything

### Single Parent

Being single parent means having double responsibility. You have to be the sole provider and lone parental figure to your children, each of which requires a great deal of time, effort, and attention. You have to bring up your children and make ends meet at the same time and all on your own. You have no choice but to single-handedly deal with the pressure from and problems with both work and the kids. There is no physical and emotional support that a partner normally provides and you so badly need. It is not inconceivable that someone in your position has to work two jobs at the same time because there is simply no way that you can live off one paycheck.

When you are finished in one place, you cannot just head back home as you have to go straight to your second job. Or you can only make a quick stop at home to get ready or to whip up dinner and get some housework done. Assuming you do not work on the weekends, then the only time you can spend with your kids is those days and the very brief period between you coming home to rest and they going to school. You cannot be there to supervise, teach, support, and connect with them. Time management is the biggest and toughest challenge that you have to deal with and overcome. You have to be able to split yourself and your time so you can be there for the kids while there is work to do.

Explain the condition to your kids and how it is going to affect your lives and relationship. Tell them why their other parent is not around because they have a right to. They might also want to know more about their absent parent; what kind of person they were, what they liked, what job they had, and other things. But most importantly make them understand that you need to keep an open line of communication between one another. Since you cannot spend much time with each other, you have to make what you get count by telling each other what you do, where you go, when you will be home, etc. You can leave notes if you have not enough time to reach the other. Moreover, as the parent, you have to set aside some time to talk about anything or discuss something with your child. Ask them to run things by you first before doing it so you will not be blindsided.

You are also going to need some outside help eventually because parenting is meant to be a two persons' job. You need someone to keep an eye on the kids since you scarcely have the time. Enlist the help of your neighbor, sibling, parents, relatives, or friends to look after your kids when you are unable to. They might even offer to help out without your asking. Not only that, they could be your confidant in place of your spouse and your kids could also come to them and talk when they find it hard or awkward to do so with you.

Putting up strong, tough appearances is necessary for the sake of the kids. You have to reassure the kids that everything is okay and in the process, you occasionally will find yourself having to lie to protect them. Faking happiness is also required so the kids are not too worried about you. It is all the more crucial during the times when you feel like you cannot do this anymore. Some days are harder than the others. You can cry, scream, and complain because you need to let it out once in a while. However, be careful not to do it in front of the children or be caught by them.

Kids are not stupid, though. They have to recognize at some point that it is tremendously hard being a single parent. You are not the only one in this world or in their social circle with this kind of situation. They might see or hear what their friends' are going through with but one adult holding everything together. They could watch how other people struggle to provide for and look after their children. Admit to them that it is challenging to be in your position. Tell them that it is a parent's duty to provide for their children and you want to be responsible to them.

Occasionally you might seek to find a reason why you have to go through all this and the answer you may come up with is none other than the children. You look at them and you imagine how your life would be much easier if they were not in it. You need not slave yourself day and night but instead you can enjoy life. The thought enters your mind that they are at fault for these trying times. On occasion, you cannot help but to blame someone for your hardship and the kids may just become it. You should never take your frustration out on the kids but if your self-control deserted you and you snapped, then apologize to them. You are confused, afraid, tired, desperate, and angry. You are unable to think clearly. It happens.

And maybe the thought of bailing out has crossed your mind several times. Whenever you are considering it, try not to lose sight of the fact that it is not tough for you only. They may not be under the same pressure as you, but that is because you make it possible. You allow them to focus on other things like studying or being happy. And that means you are doing well as a sole parent. If you leave them in the lurch, then how can they survive? They are just children. You are the parent and that means you have to be stronger. Do not attempt justifying forsaking them by saying that they can fend for themselves. If that were true, then you would not need to run away as they would be capable of supporting themselves.

Personal life for single parents might simply be possible when all the children have grown up and can look after themselves. You are entitled to a personal life but never forget your priorities. When you want to start dating, inform and discuss it with them first. If you have already met or gotten involved with someone, then inform your child about him or her. You had best ascertain that your suitor could be a good presence and influence to your children. Do not bring them into the relationship so soon until you are sure it is serious and has a future because they might get attached and they will take it harder if you break up with the new man or woman. Tell either side about the other before setting up a meeting. Find an excellent time to introduce your new date or partner to the children. But remind yourself that you should not expect either side to like the other right away.

### Divorced Parents

Discuss and plan how you are going to break the news to your kids. You should do this together so they can say what they are feeling to both of you. Do not expect them to get it right away. Explain carefully and clearly why and how you have come to this decision. Do not blame each other in front of the kids or let the child blame only either one of you. Emphasize on how it is not their fault and how your love for them will never change but unfortunately it cannot undo something or make everything that is between you go away. Make arrangements with them about custody in terms of where and with whom they will spend weekdays, weekends, and holidays. Involve them as little as possible in your divorce process. Talk to their teachers about your divorce so they can help your kids at school. Help them retain the sense of normalcy by making as few changes as possible. Make it easier for them.

Give them some time to be angry with you and shut you out. Try to talk to them again when they are calm. However, do not allow them to stay upset for too long because it can and will change them into a bitter person. If they do things to punish you for getting divorced, help them understand that what they are doing is actually damaging themselves and their future. They might stop going to school, doing their homework, or studying for tests; start picking fights with other kids at school; or begin smoking, drinking, and gambling. They use this as an outlet to express their emotions because they might be unable or reluctant to articulate their feelings. They also want you to think that this is your doing and you should feel guilty about it. You have ruined their life and they want to get back at you. Tell them that they can show to and direct their anger at you but not this way.

Do not be surprised if they appear uncomfortable being with you and or in your new place. They probably refuse to talk to you or only answer you shortly, they decline your offer and invitation to anything, and they cannot seem to wait to get away from you. It is a normal reaction. They might still be pissed at you, they hate the changes in their life, and they are confused about what to do to make their life better. Be patient and strong in tackling this problem because that is how you can help them get through this experience. They may never forgive you, but they cannot stay mad at you forever.

How you resume your parenting roles and duties should be your priority. Divorce may have ended your marriage, but it did not change your parental responsibilities. Teamwork is more important now more than ever because not only are you not together anymore, you have your child's anger and disappointment to deal with. Since you live separately and you are with the kids at different times, communication is something you have to do more often. Confer with your ex matters pertaining to your child until it is your turn to spend time with them. Keep each other apprised of what is going on in your child's life. Inform your ex if you are planning to do something with the kids like taking them somewhere so you can converse about it instead of go behind their back.

Consult each other before making major decisions so you can make it together. Hold a meeting to talk over important issues such as school problems, rebellion, or college choice and include the child in it. Find some common ground when it comes to the kids' well-being. Moreover, even when you are not with them, you can still be a parent for your children by going to work to earn some money, taking care of their stuff and needs, or calling to ask how they are doing. You might even be one of those couples who are not good as spouses but great when it comes to parenting.

Being civil is the least you can do for your kids after a divorce. For the sake of your child, make an effort to be able to stay in the same room without getting into an altercation. You may still be blaming one another for the divorce but since you are and will always be connected through your child, you need to work out some ways to reach a truce. Show your kids that you can still respect each other and remain friends. Spare them the additional burden of watching you arguing. Ask them how your ex is doing, invite them to have dinner, or spend holiday together even if it is just a courtesy. Do not speak ill of your former husband or wife in front of the kids because after all, it is their father or mother.

Encourage the kids to love your ex the same way and amount as they love you. If they want to introduce their boyfriend or girlfriend to you two, then be there and get to know that individual. Try to sit next to each other and be on your best behavior when you show up for their birthdays, graduation, and wedding. Those days are about them and they would like nothing more than to see their parents get along. Be happy and proud of them together because both of you are their parents. You may have your differences on almost everything, but your love for your children is and should be similar.

If you plan on starting a fresh romantic relationship, talk with each other about how it is going to affect the children and how to do it delicately. It is important that you establish boundaries and set ground rules. Ask your ex to first vet the person they are dating before having them meet the kids. Demand them to ask your permission if they want to do things with their partner and your children. Remind them to tell their new boyfriend or girlfriend what they are permitted and not allowed to do. Negotiate the amount of time your children can hang out with your new squeeze.

When you have met someone and you wish to introduce him or her to your kids, tell your ex so they will not be surprised and upset to hear it from another source. Accept the fact that your kids will be spending time with other people and worse, they might grow fond of them and like them better than they like you. Worry you should not. Your children will always remember that you are their parent and will not replace you with anyone else. Give them a little credit. In addition, you should get acquainted with this new person because they are now part of your kids' lives. It would be best if you do it not because it is your right or for your own benefit, but because you realize that it is your responsibility as a parent.

### Substitute Parent

It feels different when a child is not your own blood but that does not mean you cannot learn to love them. If you truly love and want to see your spouse happy, give it your best effort to strive to love their child even if you do not like them much or they make it not easy for you. Get to know one another by spending time just you and them, talking with them, and doing things with them. You could look for things about them that you can like. Maybe there are things that you both like and have in common. They could start opening up and being nicer to you when they see that you mean well and that you are kind. But it all requires you to be patient because it will not happen easily and overnight.

Nevertheless, sometimes you simply need to accept that they will never see you as their father or mother when they refuse to call you as such. In their eyes, you are just a replacement of their birth parent and may be the reason why their parents cannot be together. Should that happen to be the case, you simply have to make peace with the fact that your stepchildren can never love you as much as they do their own parent that you are filling in for. For some kids loving their substitute parent may feel like betraying their real parent so you should not take it personally. In addition, it might benefit you not to do the things their real parent used to do because it will remind the child of the parent they lost and upset them when they realize that it is just you. If or when you have children of your own, do not let them feel that they receive different treatment like being loved less or getting less attention.

Your job as well as your priority is not to get them to like you. It is nice to be liked or even loved, but you need to set it aside if it gets in the way or if it means getting the job done right. You may or will feel the urge to go easy on them or even attempt to buy their love since you are not their birth parent. However, that will only result in them exploiting you. Often the child will refuse to listen to and obey what you say even if you threat or yell. You cannot make hollow threats to them. If you are all bark and no bite, then they are just going to walk all over you. Help them realize that you will do what you believe a parent must do for their own child because it is your responsibility. Whether they will come around does not matter because your duty is to be the best parent you can. It could happen that your partner takes action to make their child understand and even force them to love you, but you should not let it come to that. It would just make the kid resent you even more, thinking that you tell on them. Tell your spouse that they can help you by hearing your complaints, giving you advice, and keeping you strong.

### Adoptive Parents

Every adoptive parent must struggle with the decision on whether to tell the child that he or she is adopted. You are afraid that things will never be the same again if you tell the truth. Or the truth is too ugly and too much for the child to handle. You do not know how to do it subtly and without causing pain. You think that it would just be easier and better for everyone if you just kept silent about the whole thing and lived your life normally as a family. Then again, telling lies and keeping secrets carry the risk of causing irreparable damage if the child discovers it. Inform them yourself so they need not find out any other way and resent you for keeping them in the dark. This act can also show the child that he or she can put their trust in you.

At times, your kid can catch you off guard and if you are, you should just tell the truth because they may very well already have suspicion. Do not attempt to lie for it will only make matters worse should they do not believe you or gain knowledge of the truth later. If some things like physical characteristics do not give you much choice, then you should decide at what age they should learn the truth. The child might just start wondering themselves so you might as well tell them. Sometimes they already know and say nothing because they understand your hesitation and want you to come to the decision yourself.

If you want to tell them simply for the purpose of total disclosure, you ought to be ready for everything that may occur. Find a good time to do this, if there is such time. Reveal the truth when they reach the age where they can comprehend the concept of adoption and the reason people, especially their parents, have for it. Explain your reasons for telling them and why now. Help them deal with this revelation by answering their questions and explaining the situation or reality about adoption. State the fact that you have treated them just as any other good parents would. You have given them care, love, and discipline. Remind them of everything that you have done for them and assure them that nothing should ever have to change.

See their reactions and choose your response carefully. Your kid might get angry with his or her biological parents or have their self-worth crushed by this because they were given up and therefore feel unwanted. Tell them that their parent or parents only did what was best for them, that it could not have been easy for them to give up their baby. They knew that their child would have a better life somewhere else. Point out the fact that they must have known that there were other people out there who could love their baby as much as them and more importantly could give them everything they need. They might have just wanted to make their life easier, but it was also how their kid did not have to suffer with them. The child might say that it was not the parent's choice, but parents make decision for their babies all the time.

In the wake of this revelation, you should exchange ideas with your child on how you would like to continue from this point. Assure them that nothing has to change. They can still address you with whatever name they call you. Help them to be certain that their home and family is where they belong so they do not feel like an outsider. Show and remind them of the memories you and they have made in your home. Tell them that it is where they have grown up and lived their whole life. They may not know what to say or what they want to do right away because they are in shock, denial, or bewilderment. Give them some needed time to process the information on their own. They need to do it alone because they are the one who is the center of it. During that period, you need to carefully observe and notice any big or small changes in your child's demeanor. After a while, you need to tell them about what you have found from watching them and ask them if they want to talk about it. It is also paramount that you get back to your normal routine while still acknowledging the recent development so that this event need not become bigger and longer than it already has and needs to be.

Should you determine to protect this little secret, you should be extra careful in doing so. Firstly, keep the adoption documents in a secure place. In fact, you should not stash it at your home. Hide it at a bank or at your parents' house so your child can never get their hands upon it. It is not as if you are going to need those papers every day. The next thing to do is not to appear suddenly and noticeably uneasy whenever adoption comes up. Or maybe you are nervous when your kid is around and talking with anybody who knows. You are constantly worried that people might accidentally let it slip and jeopardize everything. And what makes it even more difficult is dealing with outsiders' questions, prying, and gossiping. You cannot help but be afraid that one day your child will get the wind of it and you have to face something you have been dreading. If you are uncomfortable with the fact that there are people who have knowledge of your secret even if they are family, assure yourself that they understand how you feel and they will not make it harder for you.

### Special Parents

Your number one priority is helping your children understand what is happening with them. Explain how their condition is going to affect their daily activities. They may need some explanation as to why this happened to them. Think of a solution, plan, or way first and let them know about it so they do not lose their hope or start being afraid of their future. Come to their aid in adjusting to new and different routine. Make it your priority to give them a normal life so they can grow up like other kids. Take them to a playground, throw them a birthday party, or get them a pet. Furthermore, assist them in figuring out their future in terms of job, relationship, and living by themselves. They need to learn to look after themselves because you will not be around forever. Be strong as well so they need not be scared and worried about you.

There is a mutual suffering when you are a parent of a sick child. The horror of seeing one's child suffer is insurmountable. You want to give and do everything to ease and relieve their pain. You wish that you could just trade places with them. You blame yourself for not being able to do something and to fix this injustice. When neither you nor your child can seem to be able to find something that can be a reason for being happy even for just a bit, there will be nothing but misery for all of you. You should not let a medical condition get in the way of your family's happiness because in spite of everything, you are still a family. Once you stop being angry, sad, afraid, helpless, and disappointed, you may just see some ways where you can provide some joy to your child and family. Being despondent is not going to change or improve anything. Instead of wasting it, you can all still spend some time and do things together. Depending on the injury or illness, there are various kinds of activities that you can try. You can tell stories, watch movies, have a picnic, or go visit fascinating sites. Your hopes are everything within your powers that you can do for your child.

This tragedy with your kid can make you a different and changed person. Envious you might become when seeing other parents having a great time with their children. Anger fills your heart when you witness how some parents just take for granted their chances to spend quality time with their kids. You lecture other people on what they are doing wrong or poorly with their child. With each passing and excruciating day, you grow more sensitive because you feel like everyone is looking at and talking about your child. You get bitterer for you feel that nothing is a reason for joy. You keep wishing for a miracle to materialize and expecting that your hopes will get an answer but nothing changes. You are sick of people telling you it is going to be all right or pretending to sympathize since you know it is not true.

You are also starting to lose your spouse because they choose to bury themselves in work and in denial, they have shut down, or they are worried all day long. All of this causes you to become frustrated and depressed. You start thinking of deserting your child and family just so you can start over and live your life the way you want it to be. It is okay if you are considering walking out as long as you never act on it. Always tell yourself that no one chooses to be sick.

You may be thinking that having a child is supposed to give you happiness and that this is not the kind of pain and difficulty you expected to go through with raising a child. But you have a child. They may not be in the preferable state, but you still have them nonetheless. It will take a long time to accept that you may never have a normal, easy parenting experience and ordinary family routines. Remember, though, that your child has it tougher. Do not let them see, smell, hear, or detect in any other way the slightest hint of shame, disappointment, or pity from you because it is the last thing they need. Your acceptance is needed for you to be able to give your best for your kid. You must needs acknowledge and face the reality so you can begin and continue to help them. There is no point in asking why but you need to anyway so you can think of an answer to give to your child.

# PART SIX: FAREWELL
## CHAPTER 17  
Again

### Life Happened

Ever since anyone could remember, they have been saving and collecting memories of their life. It is not a need because it occurs instinctively and continuously. Time passes, events take place, and impressions remain in the mind. And once memories are preserved they become indelible. They can only be forgotten. They come in, stay in, and never go out. It would not be an issue if it were but joyous occasions that took place and fond memories that were remembered. Sadly, there are both good and bad memories and you do not get to choose which and what kind that will be etched in your mind. However, you still have and make the choice to always try to recall the happy ones and repress the bad.

Some memories are just too painful that you attempt to do everything to make yourself forget. But the more you strive to do so, the more they haunt you. Every time you close your eyes, the images appear and distress you. You want to forget so badly that that thing or event ever happened but you have never seemed to be able to. No matter what you attempt and however long you try to make yourself forget, they will always be a part of you. What took place changed your life and you still have not been able to accept that life; you cannot move forward with your life. There are things you cannot control in this life like choosing what to or not to remember. When something happens in your life, your mind will automatically record that event. What you can do is decide how you are going to cope with it.

The things you remember are the ones that shaped and defined your life. Losing your memories means losing your life. Discarding the bad would mean saying goodbye to the great. All of the occurrences you experience make the difference in your life. They are your life. Life without them is pointless. You would not be able to recognize who you are and what has happened to your life. Your memories are what you need to recollect your life and how your life is going to be remembered by others. You also need them as something that you can hold on to when things are really bad.

### Forget-It-Not

Making memories is a remarkably important thing to do, as you need great things from your life that you can always look back on. In addition, since you have free will, you can do anything you want to have memories of. Your memories can never be taken away from you but they can hide, fade, or be forgotten. Throughout life, humans experience and feel countless things that some are bound to be or already have been forgotten. The mind simply cannot hold every piece and bit of information that a person obtains in an hour, much less a day for it has limitations. Therefore, if you wish to preserve some memories, you should utilize some tools or techniques that can be of service to that purpose. If what you encounter turns out to be very special, be it a person, place, or event, then you should take steps in ensuring that it will not slip your mind, it can be safely preserved, and easily accessed. You can perhaps write it in a journal, take pictures, or even both to chronicle that particular moment.

You can take pictures easily and quickly. More importantly, unlike a video or a tape, you can bring and see them anywhere, anytime. However, the downside of taking too many pictures and videos too often is that you can be unable to pick events that are significant enough to be remembered and saved. It causes this activity to become devoid of meaning, which is why you must select carefully and wisely what to record. Keep a souvenir or memento if possible when you are doing something so they can help you call the occasion to mind. It need not come in the form of pictures, videos, or writing because there may not be time or instruments available at the time. Occasionally memories are made out of the blue, without any planning or intention whatsoever. Therefore, you are just going to have to improvise. For instance, keep the receipt when you eat in a restaurant, mark the calendar, or save the movie stubs.

Sharing your memories to other people in this world, particularly the ones in your life, and to the next generation is a good and beautiful thing for that makes it more possible and easier for others to know who you are and what happened in your life. To accomplish that, you should record your life, primarily the most significant and meaningful events, by writing them down or taking pictures or videos of them. Transfer them into some type of physical object so they can be seen, heard, read, enjoyed by people other than you. Your memories and your life do not have to die with you.

### Memory Lane

To live is to feel and it does not solely apply to the present and future time. You always have the option and ability to relive past moments. It is imperative to allocate some time to recall some of the good occasions you experienced so you will not start forgetting them. Surely, there are times in your life that can make you wish to feel the way you felt back then. Looking back on old events not only can be used to relive them one more time but it also allows you to learn from them, to examine and evaluate your life. Reminiscing gives you the opportunity to compare your lives then and now and maybe bring you something you might not have known you needed such as motivation, strength, courage, etc. You can see how far you have traveled, how much you have changed, and what remains the same.

Recollecting can be done through recalling old events in and using your mind. Choose which one based on what you wish to accomplish. You might want to recollect a special and important person to you, to feel again the happiness of a certain moment, or to see the way a place used to look like. You can also do it by seeing a picture, being in a place, recognizing the similarities of the situations. People usually just remember what they saw or heard but they are actually capable of doing so much more than that. They have other senses like smell, taste, and touch. You can remember the smell of home, the scent of childhood, the taste of love, the touch of safety, or the pain of growing up.

If an image, an event, or a place stays in your head, then it must have some significance to you in some ways and on some level. It is not a big deal when it is the good ones. However, it is a completely different story with the bad ones. Subconsciously your mind or soul is giving you signs and sending you messages, saying that you need to deal with those unpleasant memories, to make peace with them, to accept them as pieces of your life, and to finally let them go. You must stop wanting to alter, undo, or repress them. You can try to bury them and perhaps even succeed.

But just because you can forget about them does not mean that they are gone or become any less real. They are still very much there, needing but the slightest reminder to wreak havoc once again. If you have any power over it, you will only want to save nothing but the happy memories without a doubt. Alas, that is not the way it works and how it is supposed to be. You can and should use the chance to make the bad memories a part of you rather than repress, deny, or run away from them. When something terrible arises, endeavor not to refuse or deny its reality. Absorb it and then let it pass. Dwell on and cling to it you should not. Focus on what is in front of you, what lies ahead, what is possible, and what awaits you.

### Your Precious

People find it hard to part with some things because they hold a personal value to them and they have important function. These memories holders enable you to go back and relive the moments captured in them. They act as a catalyst to jog your memory in recalling occurrences and details such as places, people, surroundings, atmosphere, smell, voice, and so forth. You may have completely let them slip your mind and the time that has passed has made them harder to recall and to keep in mind. Nevertheless, some memories you just cannot play back, see, hear, or hold so the only way left is to attempt to call them to mind. The most significant memories reside in your mind, heart, and soul because pictures cannot capture emotions.

Some memories are automatically saved within an item such as a toy, a watch, a wallet, etc. By seeing or remembering them, you are suddenly and seemingly able to watch some events play out in your head. In addition, it may not store a particularly exceptional memory, but if you have owned, carried, or kept them for a long time, you can recall the events that have occurred during that period. Something does not have to be in mint condition for it to be of sentimental value. _In fact, it should be old, slightly damaged or broken, torn, or worn as that is where the story, memory, and history lie_. Your home is somewhere many memories are made and stored especially some of the happiest, most memorable, and most profound ones. Nevertheless, the article that preserves your memories does not necessarily have to be privately or personally owned. Every so often, the memories can occur in a public place such as park, school, or office where you can only visit it from time to time.

##  CHAPTER 18  
A Pain in the Heart

### Flashback

Life dictates that changes are a must for everybody. It could be watching your kids leave home one after the other to go to college and start their own lives. For some people it is leaving their place of work and friends that have been such a huge part of their life due to personal reasons, financial reasons, or retirement. Another possibility is you must say goodbye to your friends, neighbors, school, or home because you are relocating as a part of your job or following a spouse or parents. Or perhaps it is the time you graduate high school and separate with your buddies. You might even have to move out of your home and hometown to pursue higher education or better career opportunities.

When the time to go draws near, you will find yourself visited by many memories of someone, something, and someplace. You recall the good and bad occasions that you had at a place, with a person or some people, or with something. The first time you met them, set foot in that location, the events you just want to forget, and many others. You relive the moments that you experienced during your time as a student in your high school and wishing to change some of the things that you did. You miss all the merriment, you want to return to have it once again, you feel that you did not really give it your best shot, and you could have had a better time. You see your hometown and recognize that it is where you have lived your whole life, where you played with your friends, a place that its transformations you witnessed or were a part of, where you know everybody and they you, where you know where every road leads to, and how it works as well as its routine. You feel like it was not so long ago you were changing their diapers, taking them to school, or celebrating their tenth birthday. You wonder and regret when and how they grew up so fast. In the end, everything turns into memories and they are all that you have left of the past. The present is reality and the future is still a fantasy.

The same thing could also happen when you are living your new life. You just want to go back to your old school, office, or hometown where everything is easy and no one is a stranger. You keep thinking about the things you used to do somewhere or with somebody. It should not be easy saying goodbye to a very big and significant element of your life. Nevertheless, nothing ever stays the same. You cannot live in the past forever. No matter how much you want it and how hard you try, you cannot stop time or go back so you can live the life you want. You have to move on. You need to see that you can still do something with the one you have now. You can take control and shape your life any way you wish it to be. No one is in possession of the power to alter what has happened, but anyone has the capability to make a choice for his or her present and future life.

### The Lasts

You never know the last time you meet and talk with somebody, the last time you can see and be in a particular place, and the last time you can enjoy something. Therefore, use your opportunities and chances to be with them as well as you can and for as long as you are allowed to. And like it or not, eventually you have to part with your old life. You have to start collecting your things in the workplace and say farewell to your colleagues. Soon you will have to depart so pack all the stuff you are going to need in your new place and see how different somewhere is without your things filling it. Give what you cannot take with you to the ones you are leaving behind and throw out old stuff like toys, clothes, equipment, or other belongings.

Something, someplace, or someone that you hold dearly and care deeply is not easy to forget, let go, and learn to live without. Make your last moments, hours, days count by doing something meaningful. Parting ways with good memories and no regret is going to help you close that chapter in your life. Have one last shindig with your closest friends before all of you embark on different journeys. Dine for one last time in your home with your family before you set off for your destination. It will be long before you are home again and sit together with them. See and walk your whole hometown so you will have something more to bring and remember when you are away. Bid your friends, associates, and neighbors adieu ahead of leaving.

### Life Goes On

Everything and everyone is different in your new life. You now see what happens in your home when you went to work. You sense that something is missing without your child or parents. You discover that people have customs that are strange to you. You are in an unfamiliar territory and you have dissimilar routine. New days no longer mean the same to you, at least for now. You might have trouble fitting into your new surroundings at home, at school, at the office, or in the neighborhood. It could be because you still have a liking and longing for your previous environment. You want your current setting to adjust to you so you refuse to adapt to it. But you must learn to live with the fact that you can never go back so you can begin working on your new life. You should get acquainted with the new people in your life that you will see every day and from them you can learn about the lay of the land.

Sometimes you can or have moved on without realizing it. You and your old friends promised that you would stay in touch through phone, letters, postcards, or visits but they got fewer over time until they stopped coming. You or they have become too busy with your new life that you somehow forgot everything and everyone you left behind or the one who departed. To state the obvious and inevitable, either one or both of you have started making new friends and spending time with them that you do not feel the need and have the time to be sad over being apart from the old ones. You might have finally found a new hobby to keep you occupied or a goal to pursue that take your mind off your former occupation. So immersed you can be in classes, assignments, and exams that you have no time to think about your home, folks, or pals. There might be tons of work to do in the house or in the office or another child to look after that you are not too upset anymore. _Idleness, emptiness, and loneliness are one's enemies in times such as this_. But once one comes upon something which offers a purpose, then all will be well again. Someone just has to know that he or she is moving and going somewhere.

##  CHAPTER 19  
The Hard Way

### Hard Feelings

There is no such thing as a good breakup. No matter how peaceful the breakup process went, there would still be hard feelings. So, you should not fool yourself into thinking that your ex will be nice to you. It could be that you try to be friends with them after the breakup because despite your issue, you liked being with them. You want to continue being close to them and getting everything good they have to offer but you cannot or will not be their partner. But it does not work that way. You cannot be the only one who always gets everything they want. That is selfish. And if you do not see that, then they will enlighten you. They might be trying really hard to be okay with your decision and to get through their days without you. And for you to act like everything is fine and try to be their friends, that would just drive them to be madder at you. If you wish to be with them, then you just have to find a way to make it work. If you are unable or unwilling to do so, let them go.

It is nearly impossible to use your brain to think when you are heartbroken. You are still angry because they would not give the relationship another chance, hear your plea, or understand your defense. You cannot believe and accept the reason they broke things off and the fact that you and they are through, over, done, and finished. You wish to get back at them for dumping you or abandoning you. You want them to know you are pissed and to be pissed off. To you it is important that you can show them that they made a mistake ditching you, that you can live without them, and that you can do better than them. It could probably make you feel better, but ultimately you are going to realize that it is not what you desire. What you want back is them beside you or the time that they stole from you. If it is the latter, then there is pretty much nothing you can do except chalk it up to bad luck. If the former is what you are after, then you should not bring out the side of you no one wants to see. That can only be good if your goal is to drive them away. If they think that it was a mistake breaking up with you, they will seek to patch things up with you. If they believe otherwise, then you should not let it be the reason you cannot move forward with your life.

People tend to act recklessly when they are on a rebound. You should take time to think before you do something that you might end up lamenting. It may be effortless for you to get a new date, but your ex might see it as a sign that you have moved on and forgotten about them. They might just need some time to come to their senses or take you back, but with you being with someone else so soon they will have to change their mind. Seeing you happy leaves them no choice but to begin learning letting you go and looking for a replacement. Before you start seeing other people, it is best to ponder whether you want to get back together with your ex. If the answer is a definite no, then by all means go out with whomever you like. If it is a yes, then you might want to give it some time before reconciling or attempting to persuade them. Let them try to forgive you first, reevaluate their feelings for you, or think of ways to settle your differences. What you can do is try to make a compelling case for later and prepare what needs to be discussed, resolved, and settled before you start over.

Almost everyone feels awkward when meeting with their former boyfriends or girlfriends because both parties cannot honestly and openly say what they want to say and are feeling, they are still harboring hard feelings towards the other, or they do not know how to act around or what to say to one another. You cannot look directly at each other, you feel weird making small talk, or you pretend not to see one another. One or more likely both of you might be avoiding each other so as not to have to deal with uncomfortable situation. You shop at different stores, eat at a new restaurant, and change your routine so you will not bump into them. You go out of your way to make sure you do not have to see or interact much with them because it is easier. And perhaps it is a good thing for both of you. You would not need to control yourself not to express your feelings, to try to get back at them, or to fight with them over the past.

### Missing Item

You can no longer do the things you normally did as a couple. You cannot enjoy with them the stuff you usually share laughter and stories over. You remember them every time you come across something that is related to them. It could be you see the same shirt they have, you hear similar voice as theirs, or someone unknowingly utters their name. You find yourself wondering what they are currently doing, if they still keep the same schedule, if they still do the things they do, if they are still the same person. You are curious about how they look like now, what they are doing with their life, or anything else that has changed about them. It is not the same doing on your own the things you used to do with them or the ones they did for you.

You do not like being lonely when you have grown habituated to the safety of companionship. Being alone did not seem to matter when you were with them because you were not lonely. Every now and then, the urge to see them for one more time can be too much to bear and resist. However, following that impulse is going to do you more harm than good. You might start thinking that you are still romantically involved with them, it will be much harder and longer to forget them and forge a personal relationship with another person, or you could end up stalking them.

People miss their ex because after all they had some good times together and even became an influential figure in one another's life. It is even more painful when you were so sure that they were the one. You might even have forgotten what it felt like to live without them and how. This is truly a tough spot for anybody to be in. You cannot live with them and you cannot live without them. But sooner or later, you will forget about them because that is what people do when they have not met someone in quite some time. Keep your mind busy with work, friends, or hobby so you do not have to think about and miss them that often. Moreover, when you finally find someone else, you are going to be so happy with him or her that your former partner and relationship will become nothing but a distant memory.

### Irrational Thinking

The mind of a heartbroken lover is occupied by a variety of absurd thoughts. It is likely your new conviction that your life is over because of the recently over liaison. You have and entertain this notion that you cannot love another person. All gone with the wind your faith in love, men or women, relationship, and worst yourself. No longer do you believe in love for your former partner had interests in place of love. They rejected you or tried to change you because they could not love you for you. The love you had for them eventually turned into aversion because people can make it incredibly difficult to love them. You think all men or women are the same. They cannot be trusted, they are impossible to understand, they will break your heart, and so on.

For you, relationships are just a waste of time because you are bound to dissatisfy or be disappointed at some point. It crosses your mind to distance yourself from so cumbersome an affair, what with all the unpleasant things like fighting, compromising, conferring, talking, listening, changing, and adjusting. You doubt your judgment to pick someone you should be with because this is just the latest of a series of bad choices. You declare yourself done with relationship, love, and all its friends. You are letting your life be defined by one relationship. People who are hurt think sad, depressing, illogical thoughts but mainly they just _feel_ chagrin, regret, sadness, and anger in the wake of the end of their relationship.

One breakup is not the end of the world, or your world for that matter. It is just a bump in the road. It may slow you down or make the journey less comfortable, but it is not a reason to stop. There is literally more than one person in this world in this lifetime that you can love and love you back. At the moment you cannot see what other opportunities await you because you refuse to open your eyes, to see, or to look for them. Someone _can_ love you, but they will _always_ love themselves more. Anyone should know better than to expect, hope, or ask for more; take it or leave it.

And of course there are many things about someone that can be the reason to hate their guts. Everyone, including you, has those qualities. You simply have to make the good attributes enough to balance it. Not all men or women are alike in terms of their displeasing traits. They all have their own strengths _and_ weaknesses. You simply have to find the one combination that you believe will suit you the best. If you want to be happy with someone, then those are just the risks you are going to need to take. Let this be the lesson for you to consider your preference of men or women. The fact of the matter is, you already know all these things. You are just presently, temporarily, and justifiably incapable of think logically, the operative word being temporarily. You are recently out of a relationship and if you were emotionally invested in it, it is only natural that you are feeling pain. It is not yet the time to think, much less to think clearly.

### Misery Loves Company

It is hard to see your former boyfriend or girlfriend being involved with someone new when you still have feelings for him or her. You miss your time together, you cannot stop thinking about them, and you have not been able to let them go. You believe that it is only you that have the right to love your ex. You think that you are the only one that can and know how to make them happy. You maintain belief and hope that that you can get back together. You refuse to admit and accept the fact that they do not want to be with you anymore. You just cannot comprehend how it is possible for them to live without you because you still need them. You think that you and they are supposed to feel the same way. But that way ended when you parted companies. No one likes being replaced and you must feel the compulsion to check out the competition, to compare yourself with your replacement, and to point out his or her flaws. Even so, you should not blame or disturb your ex for attempting to live their life. They chose to be happy and you made the decision to be miserable. Let your ex move on with somebody else and be glad for them so you can be less unhappy.

Finding out that your ex has already met someone else can make you wonder about many things. For instance, how they could forget you so fast when you are still hurting, whether they were saddened when you two broke up, if they were thinking about you and missing you, whether they even cared about you when you were together, or how little and insignificant you must be to them. It is painful and it is of no use reminiscing your former partner, previous relationship, and past memories so it is best that you avoid that. You and they are through. Everything between you is in the past now and will stay that way. Days and nights you can waste thinking about them and it still will not change a thing. There is no finding out what they were or were not feeling and it should not have to matter. It may have broken their heart when you went your separate ways or they felt only a slight disappointment. Either way, they have moved on and they did not wait for you because they did not have to. They have no obligation to you anymore. You are no longer together. You have separate lives and futures. What they want to do with their life is entirely their own choice and they need not base it on your feelings. It is not their fault that you do not wish and try to continue your life.

Some people can only see their exes happy only if it is with them or if they can beat them to it. You might think that it is unhealthy, bitter, and spiteful enough when you do not want people to have joy when you cannot. What is much worse than that is if you can simply be happy on account of their suffering. And that is what you want by hoping that they could be as unhappy as you are, if not more. Look at their resuming life as something that you can mirror or at least consider. It is easy and understandable to perceive it as them being able to be happy with someone other than you. However, if you look at it from a different angle, it will appear to you that you can have the same if not more happiness yourself with other person.

Sometimes unfortunate things take place when you turn to your friends in your time of need or when they come to your aid. You keep complaining about your romantic misfortune to them so they can feel your pain. You tell them that they are better off alone, that everyone will just break their heart, that there is no such thing as true love, that they should never trust somebody, or whatever it is that you cannot stop obsessing about as a consequence of the breakup. They will listen to you at first because they want to be supportive. They will endeavor to cheer you up by asking you to go somewhere nice or to do something amusing with them. But if you agree only to be depressed, whining, sulking, and bellyaching the whole time, then eventually and slowly you will drive them away. No one likes to hear round-the-clock complaints. They are your friends, but they are just not that enthusiastic about being miserable. They do want to help you and that is why they have been trying to make you happy. They would rather you share joy with them than being sad forever together with you.

### Out with the Old

Get rid of anything that reminds you of them or your time together by returning their stuff or donating them to friends, relatives, or charity. Put the ones you cannot throw away inside a box and put it somewhere that no one ever goes to. However, while disposing of physical reminder is rather quick and quite straightforward, forgetting the lovely and memorable times you had is trickier. What you can and are supposed to do is devote some time and find the strength to accept and adjust to the idea that it is over between the two of you and there is no more to it. Repressing your disappointment and sadness will not be enough as the feelings may very well hurt you again once they resurface. You should make peace with it and when you succeed, those memories cannot upset and overwhelm you anymore. Quit looking back at the past and your pictures together. They may have become an important part of your life or ruined it but it should not have to matter now. Those days are behind you. You have the chance to start over and do better than the last time. For that to happen, you must discontinue following them, remembering them, and finding out things about them. Let them go so you can move on.

In times like this, you should go look for someone you can talk to and can help you think clearly such as friend, sibling, or parent. You cannot and should not go through this situation by yourself because in addition to being upset, you are also alone now. That will add much more weight than what you can bear. Explain the whole situation and be willing to listen because sometimes you just want to vent and need people to agree with you. But that is not all that they can do for you. They can comfort you by distracting you. They can give you counsel as well about what you should do. Listen to what they have to say for a change. If you need them enough to go to them in the midst of so messy a predicament, then you must trust them to do what they think is best for you.

### Lesson Learned

Unsuccessful relationships are not always such a bad thing. The silver lining in this tragedy is that there is a reason or even several reasons why a relation between two persons did not work out. And you should be grateful for those things. They can show you what you want from someone, what is required to maintain a relationship, how to do better next time, what you need to improve and change, and what is important to look for in someone you want be with.

_Memories and mementos are not the only things you can get from your past romance_. You now understand more about yourself, your former partner, and relationship especially the one that just ended. It becomes evident that you need to be with someone who wants the same things as you, you might realize that serious, committed relationship is just not for you at this point in your life or ever, or you know that it does not matter how gorgeous someone is if you cannot trust them or they you. You can see that _love, passion, and romance mean nothing and last shortly as long as they are not supported by the likes of maturity, patience, and honesty_. It goes without saying that there are scores of other different things that you might discover from the destruction of your own relationship. But let it be something that can help you be a wiser man or woman and point you in the right direction.

It may not be apparent at first, but if you spend time to chew it over you will be able to see it. You have to do this so you will not commit the same mistake again, whether it is with the same person or with an unknown subject. As long as you do not do something about what caused your relationship to fall apart last time, then the next one and the ones after that will not be much different. Whether or not it is in the same manner as before, it will end. Every so often you can figure out the reason yourself and the other times your ex or friend will enlighten you. Whatever it is they tell you or you think of, you need to evaluate it first before you decide the validity of it. Try to be objective and admit, at the very least to yourself, if something was indeed your fault.

Hindsight is always 20/20. Now that you know better, you cannot stop thinking about how you should have tried harder, you should have given more, you should have listened to them, you should have seen or known what you needed to do, and you should have thought about the ramifications. Nevertheless, merely realizing your error is not enough for you need to investigate the reason behind it in order to prevent yourself from ever doing that again. Ask yourself why you did something the way you did it and the answer will always be similar every time. You believed that it was what you wanted, you thought you were right, and at the time it was the easier thing to do. The lesson here is that _there is always a chance, possibility, and likelihood that you could be wrong about something_. Let this show you the importance and value of always thinking carefully, at length, and repeatedly before doing or saying something harmful. Yet another lesson to learn from this is that most of the time, the tough choice is the right and necessary thing to do and the hard way is the path to take.

### Reuniting

Old couples have a tendency to reestablish their previous relationship. In most cases, there will be compulsions to get back together as you cannot stand being apart any longer. You have had your time and chance to be angry, to reflect on things, and to get a taste of what life is like when you are alone. Or you might seek them to start things again when the ones after them could not give you what you want. Being with other people only makes you realize how much you really miss and need your former lover. They got you, you had fun being with them, and they genuinely cared about you.

It could also happen by chance. You may run into each other, find out that neither of you are seeing someone else, and then decide to spend some time together over a stroll or coffee. What is important, though, is that you should reunite for the right reason. It is not to stop the pain and loneliness. To solve your lack of great partner problem is not it, either. Neither is to make use of the opportunity that you bump into them while you two are still single. Those would just be the some of the reasons why you would have an on-again, off-again relationship. Do it because you have decided that you want to make it work with them and you are aware of what changes that must be made.

Before you even think about reconciling, you should try to see what the issue that separated you was about. It is tempting to just pick up where you left off but you must remember and think about the reason. It is why you broke up and before you think of some solution to it, you ought to consider that it might also be why you should not be together. It does and will not disappear or change just because you were separated and are very eager to get things started again. It will always be between you unless you do something about it. Right now, it is easy for you to say stuff and promise things like how you will change yourself, how you are going to give everything they want, and how you will accept them with all their flaws. You are like a suspect who cannot take being interrogated any longer. You will say anything just so you can be free of the pressure you are under.

Take some time to deliberate several things. The first thing should be whether you truly and seriously want to be with them again. If they made your life miserable or you could not see eye to eye on something, then in all likelihood it is just loneliness you are feeling. That can be remedied by dating someone else. What is next is your willingness to do what is required of you. It could be to apologize, to forgive and forget, to never make the same mistake again, to live a different life you do not want to, or to put up with your ex's bad qualities. If you cannot, then do not bother. Save everyone some precious time and valuable energy.

If they do mean a lot to you, you should strive getting them back or consider accepting them. However, you really should talk about and solve your problem first because if not, then it would just be a temporary measure and situation, which would only be wasting both your and their time. It is plain how unpleasant it is to bring up that particular subject when you are trying to recapture your feelings toward each other. But it is not like you have any other choice. If you got back together only to break up again, then you would be back right where you started, which is at this point. You can do the same thing over and over again but the result will remain the same. Or you can simply talk it out and determine in unison whether you can be a couple once more. Talk and listen to each other so you both can get a clear picture of what the other is conveying and can decide what you need to do if you are to be partners one more time. If you can agree on something, then you should give it another shot. If, however, you simply cannot get past your differences, then be thankful you can put the matter to bed now without having to go through a doomed relationship.

Should you decide to get back together, start small and slow so you can comfortably implement the changes you have both agreed to. It will be no trouble in the beginning because like the first time you started going out, you mainly focus on enjoying the company of one another. You have a large amount of patience and your determination to be an improved person is still strong. You are optimistic that this time things will be different. But either you or your partner, perhaps even both, will realize that you cannot keep up this charade forever. A tiger does not change its spots. You will have to go back to your old ways because that is who you are. Up until this point, things are pretty much the same like before. What differs is that you now have had the opportunity to mull over this situation. That means it need not end up like the last time.

If it turns out you cannot be comfortable in this new relationship, you should bring it to your partner's attention so you can discuss it. You could suggest or consider new, different, better approaches to and from your partner. Give it another try if you like or you can just end things if you cannot see how things can work out between you. It does have a happy ending from time to time, though. Some people can be a better partner for someone after they have had some needed time to realize how important that person is to them and use that as a reason and strength to change, grow, and improve.

### Single Life

It sucks being alone when you are seeing how other people have someone else to spend their time with. They have someone to talk to, they are giving and receiving affection, they look so happy with their laughter, smile, and closeness, they do not have to go to places by themselves, and there is someone hugging them and they can hold. You are reminded that you used to have that. You were so happy back then. Life seemed wonderful and felt perfect. You liked waking up in the morning and going to sleep at night because there was something and someone to look forward to. Now you do not feel like doing anything.

Allow yourself some time to adapt to being single especially if you have not been for quite some time. It is not all bad to be on your own. If you loved your life prior to being in a relationship, then you know that being single does have its advantages. You have full freedom to do whatever and go wherever you like with whomever you please. You have not any obligation to someone else. You can talk, flirt, and go out with anybody you like. There is much more time to tend to your own needs. You no longer have to set aside time to do things you do not even like. There is no more fighting, discussing, changing, and pretending. Even if you are not one who is partial or accustomed to solitude, try to enjoy it because you will never have much time alone once you take the plunge. You are not completely alone anyway because you have friends. You can hang out more often with them and do the stuff you have not done so much lately. You can watch sports games, go shopping, have lunch, or go to concerts. Single life might just agree with you, if you can make the best of it.

### In with the New

People tend to find a new squeeze immediately after they split up because they are too scared and uneasy to be alone for a while. However, everyone requires some time to deal with and recover from their breakup before they can be emotionally ready to be in the next one. Jumping into a new relationship so soon will most likely result in another breakup because you are not ready. You can be going out with somebody, but you are thinking about someone else. When you are having conversation with your current partner, you keep going back to your old flame. Even if you are with somebody new, you do the things you used to do or go to places you frequented with your former lover.

You cannot be a good boyfriend or girlfriend to someone if you are still hung up on someone else. You can never get close to another person if you still have feelings for your ex. Besides, most people will not wait until their date or partner can get over their past relationship. They do not want to be a replacement or a rebound because it is a waste of their time. Other people can help you forget your old partner, but you need to do it on your own first. You have to want to put your failed relationship behind you and start a fresh one. Only then it is going to work with that or any other individual.

Nevertheless, being single forever or for far too long is neither the precise objective nor the proper course of action. The correct move and aim is to wait for the right time to start anew, not to stop dating altogether. At some point, you are going to have to start going out with someone because that is how you move forward with your life. But before that, you need to accept that you cannot have your previous relationship back. It is important and necessary that you make your peace with the fact that your ex is already seeing someone else. Do stop recollecting the old times so you can let go of them. Tell yourself that you cannot go on like this if you are to be happy. Dwell no longer on the past, seize the present, and look at the future.

It is normal for you to enter a new relationship so soon after a breakup just so your ex cannot beat you to the punch. You want to rub their nose in the fact that you can live without them and that you are not hurt by their decision. But it would be best if you never used third parties as a pawn in the sick game you are playing with your previous partner. Both of you might be attempting to show that you do not need each other, how you can always get someone else, or to make them jealous. However, a person is not an object that has no feelings. You should not take advantage of someone else by using him or her as a temporary substitute because they might have different expectations and deserve your true effort. Yes, you are in pain. It still does not and should not justify hurting other people. And what if those people do the same thing to other persons? By dating someone else, you should be willing to be happy with them and allow them to make you happy. Do not break their heart or offend them because you cannot handle hurting alone.

##  CHAPTER 20  
State of the Union

### Taking On the World

Since divorce is a lot like a breakup and being a divorced parent is already covered, this section is for someone or couples with no children who terminated their marriage. While keeping quiet about your divorce process is quite simple, the same cannot be said for the events that follow. If prior to this people can only smell that something is amiss with your marriage, now they can see what it really is. You are never seen together with your spouse anymore. You no longer share a roof. Either one or both of you have been spotted with someone else. The cat is out of the bag and it is going to be a field day for the ones who know you. Wanting a peace, you may begin pulling yourself away from people by not showing up at public places or not attending any sorts of social gathering. You want the whole ordeal to blow over first before you make an appearance.

You do not answer or return your family and friends' calls, you avoid their questions, you refuse to talk about it, or you pretend to be okay in front of them. You prefer to let people talk all they want as long as you do not have to hear what they are saying, lie about how you are doing, explain what happened, and feel them pity you. Nevertheless, when you eventually surface, you have to deal with people prying and judging. You can see and feel how they are looking at you with judgment, curiosity, and _schadenfreude_. There really is nothing you can do except to appear strong and ignore the looks and talks. As long as you do not give them new reason to gossip about you, they will soon turn their attention to someone or something else.

Some people even come to a decision to move to another place to get away from people staring and whispering. They are tired of people snooping around and hearing what people have been saying behind their back. If that is a viable option and you have become uncomfortable living in your current environment, then you should do it. Perhaps that is just what you need to get a fresh start. After all, people are going to talk again as soon as they discover something new about your personal life. That might force you to live your life based on their opinions instead of your own choice. Doing things out of fear and shame is no way to live.

### From Scratch

The very first thing you must remember and you will need to remind yourself of is that being divorced is not a failure of yourself but _of your marriage_. One of the reasons people decide to get a divorce, including you, is because they know they still have the time and ability to start a new, better, happier life with someone else. So forget about your tanked marriage and commence taking the necessary steps to move forward. Look for a new place to live and get settled. Change your forwarding address and get all of your stuff from your old home or new stuff entirely. Finalize your divorce so you can be legally free to seek and cultivate new relationship. Get rid of or box up your wedding souvenirs like photo albums and wedding pictures. Cut all the ties you have with your ex such as emergency contact or family name. Forget it ever happened if it only makes you feel angry, disappointed, or sad.

It will not be swift and easy to start building a personal life again from the very beginning especially when you have been out of the game for a considerable amount of time. What you have to take care of first is making sure that people you socialize with are alert to the fact that you are now available, back on the market, and up for grabs. Inform them about your finalized divorce. Tell them how you like your new place and how excited you are about starting over. You should also be aware that you are going to have to talk about your divorce at some point. Whether it is with an attractive stranger, a date, boyfriend or girlfriend, your past involvement with other people will come up. And it is not something you can avoid, lie about or keep secret forever. They will want to get familiar with your history because it allows them to know you more, tells them what they can expect from you, and helps them make a decision. And no one wants to run into someone and discovers that he or she used to be married to someone they are seeing. Explain it to your new suitor when they ask or wait after you are sure about your chances with them.

##  CHAPTER 21  
And Then There Were None

### The Illusion of Reality

Prior to this, somehow you did not believe that someone you knew could and would pass away. You were aware of the fact that people do perish but you did not want to think about how it would happen to the people who are important to you. With this recent tragedy, you should now realize that someday you will be separated forever from the ones you care about. Your time with them is limited and therefore priceless. What you have is only temporary, which makes it meaningful. They will be taken from you one by one until there is no one left or you will be the one leaving them behind. That day will come when you have to say goodbye to the ones you love. No matter who is going, that dreadful day will eventually arrive. It will occur again and again unless it is your number that is up or there is but you left. But you will never be alone as long as you have many other people that can give you a reason to live.

### Grieving

Losing someone is one of the hardest things that a person can endure during their time in this world. You can never again see them, hold them, talk with them, and hear their voice. You cannot see their pictures without bursting into tears. No more of their love, attention, and warmth. They took with them the joy they brought, the strength they provided, and the meaning they gave life. They are gone and they are not coming back. They will not be there on your wedding day, congratulating you and being happy for you. They will not be there for your or their birthdays, wishing you a happy birthday or accepting your presents. They will not be there to share your joy and calm your anxiety upon the birth of their great grandchild. They will not be there to watch and help you raise your child. They will not be there to assure you that everything is going to be all right, that nothing is to be worried about, and to make everything okay. They will not be there for the holidays, welcoming you when you come home and waiting for you to spend precious time together. They will not be there when you wake up in the morning or go to sleep at night. They will not be there to hold you, hug you, kiss you, protect you, and love you. _Ever_.

Oftentimes it all feels so surreal because they are very much alive in our mind. We still hang on to the best memories we have with them, which are the ones of them living. Once in a while we find ourselves forget, just for a wonderful albeit brief moment, but then reality hits us and we are sad, grieving, and in pain again. Remembering them sometimes makes us believe that they are still with us, that they are not actually gone, that this is just a nightmare we eventually are going to wake up from. We feel alone in this world and no one can ever fill that void in our heart. It feels like we can never be whole again. _To lose is to be lost_.

It is sad, absurd, unfair, and cruel that we cannot be together for good with the people that we love. We often find ourselves wondering why we cannot just always have them in our lives and leave this world at the same time. Why did they have to be in our lives only to be taken from us someday? But everything has a reason and the reason we can never be with someone forever is so that we can fully use and appreciate the time they are here with us. The thought, the possibility, and the certainty that they could be gone any day and never come back serves to caution us to cherish them, to make every moment with them count, and to be grateful for the time that we still have with them. And if that can be helpful or is what it takes, then we need to remind ourselves that once they are gone, they are gone forever.

People adopt different coping mechanisms. Some drink, some work too much, some shop, some overeat, and so on. You do everything trying to make it easier or to numb the pain. You lie to yourself, you pretend, you keep busy, or you stuff your feelings. You look for another thing to do when something did not work or stopped working. You just want the pain and the horror to end but it still lingers. It does get easier over time, but time is something you cannot afford. You struggle to get through one day after the other until you do not anymore. Some days it feels easier. It is the hardest when you need them beside you and when you have to be reminded once again that they are gone.

If it is too difficult and painful to acknowledge and accept that they are no longer with you, then just pretend and imagine that they still are. Everybody wants to have a nice life but if losing your loved one makes it horrible, then why should you or anyone _pretend_ that life is still good? Life is either better with them or not. If for you it is, then tell yourself over and over that while you will not see them this month, you will the next. If they did not call, repeatedly say that they simply forgot. If it gets you through the day, if it makes life better, lie to yourself.

You should not feel guilty if what you are feeling is relief in place of grief because sometimes death can give your loved one the rest they need and the end to their anguish. You are also freed from the burden, the pain, and the horror of seeing them in agony. That does not make you a terrible person. It merely means that you are human who cannot see someone they care about experiencing horrific pain and only want it to stop. If wishing the end for your loved one's suffering says that you are weak, then you have nothing to be ashamed of. And it is totally okay if you find yourself smiling or feeling cheerful after a while. It is not a horrible thing; on the contrary, it is a good thing since it means that your soul has finished grieving.

You should not feel bad about it nor should you be afraid to be. Your loved one would want you to be happy. The very reason you love them is because they always tried to make you happy and were joyful themselves seeing you so, even if they were not a part or a cause of it. You must realize that the last thing they would desire is for you to be miserable because of them. You have wept for them and that should be enough for both you and them. No amount of tears and grief can change what happened or bring them back. Your love for them is not measured by how long you mourn them. If it makes you feel any better, do it for them. Live your life. It is hard and it is not the same without them, but it is possible and it could still be good.

Some people cannot seem to shed a tear for their loved one even when they know they are supposed to. The grief of losing someone may not come right away, but it will hit you eventually. And when it does, allow yourself to mourn them even for just one day because if you hold it down or fight it, it will only get worse and you might have a breakdown. Besides, they would have liked to see that you are sad that they are gone and that they are at least worth a few drops of tears from you.

Contrary to popular belief, crying is not a response only to grief and sadness but also to joy, fear, guilt, anger, and so on. It is your body's way of telling you that the emotion or feeling at one moment is too overwhelming for you to handle. And try not to push away the people that want to support you through this difficult time. Maybe you do not think they have any idea how you are feeling or knew the departed as well as you. It might very well be true, but they know that they want to be there for you, to be the one you can talk to, to lend you strength, to give you solace, or at the very least to offer commiseration.

### Guilt and Regret

Their demise can open your eyes to how significant their presence and influence are in your life and how you squandered all the precious moments you had with them. You are having regret over things undone and words unsaid. You never got to say goodbye to them; no last words, no last kiss, no last hug, no last smile, no nothing. You are ruing the way you left things when you last met or spoke with them. Nevertheless, the death of your loved one will always be painful even if you did everything right and perfect. They have to die sometime and you would still not be fine with it then. Plus, if it is not you that is left behind, then they would be the one weeping for you since everything ends and everyone separates. Death never comes at your convenience because you have never liked it and will never welcome it. However, it can also remind you to appreciate and love more the time you have with your other loved ones.

You start thinking about some of the most colossal mistakes that you made. You thought you could do better after watching so many people made mistakes. But you now realize that you could not. What happened was you might have even done worse than some people. You wish you had not committed those errors but you did what you had to and what you thought was right. It was not your finest moment, but you can at least learn from it. That way their passing will not have been in vain. You can torture, punish, and loathe yourself however long you can but that will not ever rectify the mistakes you made. You have lost them forever. _You have gotten the biggest, hardest, longest, and most painful punishment you can ever get_. You cannot undo what has happened. What is done is done. You can, however, attempt to forgive yourself. No one else but you can give yourself the forgiveness that you seek. The question is: do you want to?

### Letting Go

For grieving people, coming to terms with their loss is something that they do not wish to do. It is easier to deny, ignore, and fight reality because it allows them to have hope: a hope that the tragedy is not real and permanent, which makes it an empty, false, and useless one. You refuse to believe that they are gone and you try keeping them alive in any way you can. You put plate for them on the table, you do not pack their belongings, or you continue to talk to them as if they are still alive. It could be that you are trying to make sense of their death, and yet it is going to do more harm than good. You might be blaming yourself or other people for the death, but it will not give you peace or allow you to move on.

You force yourself to recall every memory you ever had of them or with them, but there is a difference between remembering and refusing to let go. You might choose to be in pain because that is the only way you know where you can still hold on to them. While it is normal, it is unhealthy. The one thing you want is the one that you cannot have. No matter what you do and however long you do it, nothing will ever change. It simply cannot. Nature still has powers over humans on this matter. _You can create, prolong, and save lives, but no one will ever be able to bring back the dead_. People are born to live and to die. To have is to lose. There is no beginning without an end.

As long as you still want, wish, fight for things to change, to go back to the way they were, the way you wanted, you can never let go and move on. Accept that nothing you or anyone does can bring them back. Saying goodbye to them or any other things you would like to say can be helpful. You can also kiss or hold them for one last time if, and supposedly, it can bring you closure. Treasure and hold dear the memories you had in this life and let go of the time you can never have.

### Redecorating

Life is not supposed to provide you with joy. You have to keep fighting for bliss. Mourn your loved one because that is what you do when someone important to you passed away. But you have to be able to see when to resume your life. You can find happiness again, a new one, but you will have to want it and be patient, determined, and willing. Only some portion of your life has to die with your loved one because you still have your own life to live. There could also be people who depend on you to be strong. Learning to live without someone that you spent a great deal of your life with cannot be easy and quick to accomplish nor should it be. There is some process to go through.

You can see this bereavement as burglars having broken into, entered, and stolen something from your home. Your life, heart, mind, and soul are ransacked and turned upside down just like your living room, bedroom, or kitchen. But despite this calamity, you are safe and you are still here in this world. Cry over it and be devastated by it because you care deeply about your home as well as your loved one. However, eventually you have to realize that you have to clean and straighten the house because you cannot live with all the mess and chaos. Yet no matter how hard you strive to arrange things the way they used to, you are still able to tell the difference because they took and broke something. Since everything is and will stay different anyhow, you should use this mishap as a chance to try to start something new. Organize your room and life in a manner that camouflages what is missing, lost, or broken and draws your attention away from it. Then live in your home the way you used to live in it with all these recent changes around you.

### The Memories

When someone is not coming back for good, the only thing that can allow them to stay in your life is memories. You can remember them by thinking of the great memories that you had with them or of them. Come to their grave on their birthday, at the anniversary of their death, and whenever you have the time to visit so you can spend some time with them. Take care of their effects by keeping the ones that you can use as a reminder. Dispose of the rest by distributing them among family members, relatives, friends, or charity. You need to save the ones that best remind you of the departed because without those things, you will be forgetting them sooner than you might anticipate. Do not be surprised if one time you realize that you have close to no recollection of how they look like, how they smell, what their voice sounds like, and so forth. It is sad but sooner or later you will begin forgetting someone you no longer see, hear, hold, meet, or talk with. Forgetting them does not at all mean you stop loving them or you do not love them enough. It just proves that you are simply moving forward with your life.

With them being gone, none of your hopes, dreams, and plans that you began and worked with them can ever be enjoyed together. Nevertheless, you can still remember them with those. You can honor their death and memories by doing something good and meaningful. Try to continue and finish what they or you both started because that can be your way of preserving their memories and they can live on through you. You could teach your children about your spouse's values, you could wear your sibling's clothes, or you could take over your parent's endeavor to take care of the family.

##  CHAPTER 22  
Everybody Dies

### Getting Old

Nobody fancies losing his or her youth. Everyone likes to pretend and deny that it is not happening or that they can beat it. It scares them to think about it, let alone to accept that it is very much true. Or perhaps you have not thought much about it but one day when you wake up, you ask yourself where and how the years have gone by. You have a difficult time recognizing the person looking back at you from the mirror. You are afraid to look at your own reflection because every time you do it you have trouble liking what you see. You refuse to acknowledge that your prime years are behind you. You try to do anything in an attempt to stay youthful or to convince others and yourself that you are still young. You put on makeup, dye your hair, work out, or wear hip clothes. Nevertheless, in the end, at the end of the day, you cannot fight biology. You can only strive and learn to embrace your old age. You are still going to be who you are, sans your youth.

You will realize you are transforming into an old man or woman when your body starts betraying you by doing things you do not want and not doing the ones you do need. You no longer possess the full strength you used to have and you get fatigued far more swiftly. You are more prone to ailments and injuries. Your vision grows less sharp and your hearing becomes weakened. You begin experiencing dementia and the decreasing of your mobility. You have to rely on people to perform tasks like standing up, sitting down, walking, doing bathroom business, and recalling things. You have no choice but to give up some of the things that you love doing. You will hate what is happening with your body and your life. You will have to face the reality that you have no control over how your body is changing. You can use and take care of it but you have to let nature take its course. You adapt, because that is what you do when a challenge arises. You need not like it, but do it you must.

You will find that people treat you like a boring, useless, stupid person. Whether it is your family, friends, neighbors, or someone you encounter, in their mind you are just a dead weight. They think that you cannot do anything anymore nor do it right. You will become somewhat of a nuisance to everybody because they have to wait for you, explain everything to you, or are unable to do something on your account. They do not heed your counsel for they assume that you do not know what you are talking about or anything for that matter. They do not listen to or value your opinions because they think everything you say is wrong and outdated. They avoid you because they do not believe you have something interesting to say or you cannot be talked to about anything. You want to prove to them that you can still contribute and be useful because that is the only way you can maintain a smidgen of self-worth. It makes you sad and angry the way they behave towards you and you should be. Anyone else would. Demand them to give you more respect but more importantly, you have to show them that you are worthy of it.

You are also reminded of your own mortality when you see that one by one your friends and relatives are starting to die. You start feeling terribly afraid that you are going to be next. You know that you are not ready to die and you plan to do whatever it takes to extend your own survival. You decide to live healthier by giving up smoking and drinking, starting to exercise, adjusting diet or going on one, and taking medications. You no longer put off doing things that you have always wanted to do because you realize that you could go anytime.

You have to start thinking about what you can look forward to in your old days. You need to know what you are going to do so you can still feel like you have a purpose in life. You can take up gardening, look after your grandchildren, see how the world has changed, or anything else you can think of doing and enjoying. Without it, you will have no desire to live and just become unhappy. You cannot do the things you like forever because you are getting older. It is going to happen, whether you like it or not. _Everything has to come to an end_. It cannot be halted because it is part of being human. Do what you can do, which is to use the time you have left to enjoy life and to be ready to relinquish it when the moment comes. It is better you do it voluntarily and on your own terms than to have it taken away from you all of a sudden.

### Dying

Everyone loses hope when they know they have a terminal disease and their days are numbered. And hope is a dangerous thing to lose. Hearing that prognosis is like hearing a death sentence. Cry all you need because life, especially yours, deserves mourning. You should do it but not when the moment is near. Reserve it for being brave and happy. When you are all cried out, when you realize that you cannot run from your fate, you can begin to use the time you have left to live life to the fullest. Dying people have a newfound perspective of life. They can see what is important and what matters. They start thinking about what they want most out of life. They begin doing things on their bucket list so they can cross off as many as possible. You never know how much you want to live and like living until you can only do and taste it for a very short time.

Dying can be so excruciating that you may beg to be put out of your misery because you just cannot endure the agony any longer. You are going to wish that you just die already so you do not have to go through suffering. Instant, quick, painless death is much more preferable rather than a long, slow, painful one where you have to be in pain and terrified. If you are lucky, there will be other people that can help soothe the pain. Nevertheless, they cannot take away your fear. You are just going to have to depend on yourself to do that. What you can do is breath in and out until it ceases being scary and painful.

### Unfinished Business

When you have come to terms with your forthcoming death, you can use the time you have left to do what you have always wanted to do or have not done. See the world or places you have not been in, spend quality time with your family, and try new things. Say goodbye to your loved ones and help them not to have to be in sorrow for too long. Implore them to stop being sad and depressed but instead begin learning to move on. Give them advice on how to try and learn to let you go and how they should go on living. Tell them what they should do with their respective lives as well as what they must learn, improve, and change. Help them find ways to forgive themselves or others that they hold responsible for your condition.

You could also ensure that your loved ones will be taken care of or able to fend for themselves. Encourage them to mend fences, to reconcile, and to live happily together. Confess or reveal a lie or secret that you have kept for so long, forgive them for all their mistakes, and apologize for yours. Make amends with people who have wronged you or whom you have mistreated. But if you want to apologize for your mistakes and faults, do mean it and do it because you are sorry. You should not do it out of fear since it is not fair that they have to make you feel better by forgiving you even if they do not want to.

Even if you are not at death's door, write a will so that in case something happened, people would know what your wishes are regarding your earthly possessions. Also, compose a letter saying what you would want them to have and to do in life. Consider it your last words for them. You may not have a chance to say goodbye to them or to tell them whatever you need them to know. Think carefully of what it is you want them to hear from you as your message. They are going to remember it for the rest of their lives. This will and letter are the last and only things that you can do for them after you passed. So, make sure you can give them a proper, satisfying, comforting closure.

### Sudden Death

Sudden death is the kind of demise you never think of and are not prepared for. But it happens and occasionally it occurs in the blink of an eye. One second you are looking at this world and the next, you see nothing. It could also be that you are just living your daily life like usual and it just comes knocking on your door. Your plane might be crashing, your ship sinking, your car smashing or hit, your train colliding, your house catching fire, or your body falling into the ground. With sudden death, you realize that death is imminent and inescapable and all you can do is scream, beg, run, and cry. Your whole body is shaking, your heart keeps pounding, and you are scared to open your eyes in your last moments. There is no time to say goodbye or last words, to do things for one last time, or to meet and hold the people that you love. Not everyone can get the luxury of a company in their dying moment, let alone a loved one. It is not always a happy ending.

Think of someone meaningful, something joyful, or someplace beautiful so at the very least you can die feeling happy or at peace, little as it may be. Think of everyone that you are going to leave behind. Imagine them living a good and blissful life. They will know that you thought of them until the last moment and they will always have a special place for you in their heart. Think about how all your misery in this life is going to be over soon and you can finally and eternally rest. Do not use what little time and energy you have left to beg for mercy when you know it yourself that you will die any minute. Take solace in the fact that you need not suffer. It is going to be quick and painless. You may not even feel it. All you need to do is let go of everything.

### Exit Strategy

There is always a reason to take your own life. For instance, you might want to take the easy way out because you just cannot bear spending another day living your life. You might feel that nobody wants you anymore or ever wanted you and that you have nothing and no one to live for. You see yourself and your life as a complete and utter failure whether as a child, parent, student, employee, spouse, friend, or partner. Your very own existence is pathetic to you and you see no way to gain an iota of self-worth. You have hit rock bottom. You believe that no one in this world would miss you when you are gone. No one has ever cared about you and it led you to see your life as having no value. People ignore you, abandon you, exploit you, and disrespect you. It is also possible that you are no longer able to live with what you have done or caused. You have not the strength to carry and fight the guilt inside you. Or perhaps you are terminally ill and you do not want to burden your family or suffer a slow and painful death, lie helplessly in bed, and be watched and pitied every single day.

Your reason could be that you can think of no way out of your current problem. You might be neck deep in debt, you are ashamed of something and cannot show your face in public, or you are unable to handle the constant and enormous pressure. Everyone else has turned their back on you, even the ones you thought you could count on. You do not know what to do and you are all alone. You might want to do this because you can never seem to find something or someone worth living for in this world. Life has never been kind to you and you cannot think of nothing to look forward to. You always end up losing in everything you try or there always seems to be one hardship or tribulation after another. You need a win so badly to give you hope and confidence but you just cannot seem to catch a break.

You are tired of living the way you are now and you feel like you do not possess the power to face this life for one more day. There are too many things that you cannot control and overcome. You want to live but just not like this. Therefore, you arrive at the conclusion that the only option is death. However, _just as love is not the answer for everything difficult, neither is death_. You matter. There is always something you can do and somewhere you can look for absolution. You have not met everyone that will turn you down. You can move somewhere else and start over with new people. You can face the consequences of your past mistakes and rebuild your present and future. _Life is pain_ , but to feel pain is to be alive. You will not feel pain when you are dead, but neither will you feel anything else. Life has plenty to offer, whereas death is final, permanent, and mundane. You are going to die someday but you can only live for so long. And you do want to live. What you need is big, major, radical, and many changes. It could be address, occupation, aims, people, appearances, philosophies, hobby, or any other things that you can alter. At present, you just have not made changes, enough of them, or found the right ones.

### The End

Take some time to think about how the end of your life will be like and what you would do in your last moments because you could gain a new perspective and a push that you are in need of, whether you know it or not. You should try to be okay with the idea and meaning of death itself. Tell yourself that you can decease and someday you will. But when you are thinking about death, the one way to know that you have not done it right and enough is if you are not yet profoundly terrified by it. You need to prove to yourself that death is real for you. No matter how many times you tell yourself that you will die, there is still part of you that thinks it is not totally real. And as long as you think that way, you will never take this thing seriously.

Imagine having your ultimate thought, breathing your last air, and seeing your final image. Everything around you turns blurry, faint, and soft. Slowly you will begin to feel everything inside you disappear and they are taking you with them. You are reaching for something to hold on to yet you find nothing. You want to catch and stop everything from departing but they all slip through your fingers. You can sense it more and more now. It is getting near you or you are moving closer to it. Then you cease. _That_ is a feeling you need to remember.

If you are frightened by death, then you should be afraid of it all the time for death never informs anyone of its arrival. You could get hit by a bus or electrocuted, be a direct or non-direct victim of a violent crime, be a casualty of road, rail, air, or water transportation accidents, you could get killed in any type of natural disasters, get trapped in a burning house or building, get attacked by wild animals, and fall, drown, choke, or overdose. You will never want to die if it is up to you so you should see your own mortality as a kindness. You have no idea how tiring it is to live forever.

How and when you meet your demise is the result of many people's choices including yours. Suppose it is a crashed airplane. You might have been on it because you could not get an earlier flight. You had to go where you were going to because people needed you. They required you since others made a mess you had to fix. They might have done it because they had problems at home and could not concentrate. The ones at home might have been sick of the way they were living. You decided to do what you did and chose to work where you worked. Moreover, had the airline set the schedule a little earlier or later, you would not have expired. The point is, you should not drive yourself crazy by seeking to figure out the main reason or prevent it from coming to pass. You cannot know exactly who or what is responsible for your departure. Neither you nor anyone else knows what it is you do that will cause your death. It is all a chain reaction or a butterfly effect that began at the dawn of time and ends with your passing. Just tell yourself that that is how life works. _All living things can, must, and shall die_.

Furthermore, your death serves a purpose just as your life does because you are a part of this world and this universe. Some people could survive and live long lives on account of your organs. It may be necessary for some to see the consequences of their actions. A war between nations might ensue as a result of it. The world can be a better place without you committing atrocities left and right. It could be the reason some people come together in the same place. There are countless other possibilities. You need not worry. Your death has a meaning and a significance. It may go unnoticed or unwept, but the world will undeniably change because of it.

There is a difference between living and waiting to die. With the former, you still have control over your life. Do not just sit, lie, or cry while you are waiting to die because when you are dying, life is too precious to throw away. There will be much time to die later. Fight to live and breathe until you no longer can. Do not give death the satisfaction of successfully and easily sucking the life out of you before it actually does take the life out of you. Show death and everyone that the one and the only way to kill you is to make certain your heart does not beat anymore and not with any other way or one second before. _You may die, but your willingness and strength to live can never perish_. That is how you want to be remembered. That is how you want to leave this world. Live your life, if it is the last thing you do.

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