♫ A Majestic, Mountainous Theme ♫
AARON: Alright. What did she want me to do now? Kill an Emperor or some bullshit?
EMRE: You've got to question this dude about who the Gourmet is and then find the Gourmet, *kill em*, and then take his place.
AARON: I have to find the *Gourmet*...?
EMRE: The GOOOurmEEt.
AARON: I'll say one thing about Astrid. She sends me out on some pretty coooool assassinations.
OKAY. So, here I am...and, uh, at the meat market. Eheheh. Know what I mean?
Hey! Hogni! How's it goin'?
HOGNI: HUH?
EMRE: That may be the ugliest man I have ever seen in this game.
AARON: Whyyyy do you look so ugly?
HOGNI: ...Just what you see here.
AARON: Yeaaahahh...ah, I, I don't like what I see, actually.
UGH. God. Okay. Well, I think I'm calmed down from that whole *Astrid debacle*. I...I knew making that list was a *risk*...
But, I just really thought that *MAYBE*...I'd get somethin' from her out of it.
EMRE: Yeah, WELL. That's that, uh...'All business, all the time'.
AARON: Yeah, she is...she is business.
AARON: Have you seen the Gourmet?
[BARK BARK!]
AARON: YEAH??
[BARK BARK!]
AARON: He's in...OH! He's in there?
Okay.
UMMMM.
[BARK!!]
AARON: OH, SHIT! Okay. Well, I'll wait until he's done.
Ah, well, the dog says that he's masturbating but, uhmm..he should be done pretty soon.
Okay. Look's like he's done.
ANTON VIRANE [suspiciously]: Who ARE you? What do you WANT?
AARON: Well, I want to be on this reality show called 'The Gourmet'.
ANTON: T-The...The Gourmet?
AARON: Yeah?
ANTON: NEVER! I'll take the secret of the Gourmet's identity to my *GRAVE*!
AARON [struggling loudly for a one-liner]: I THINK I CAN DO...
....Eh, fuck it.
I'mma, ehh...I don't really like one-liners anyway...so...
EMRE: Yeah, you're...you're good at a lot of things, and one-liners? Not one of those things.
AARON: Yeaah...
ANTON THE SNITCH: His name is Balagog gro-Nolob!
SOOOoOOOooo...
...We're done?
AARON: EHeHeh. Yeah. We're done...
EMRE: BWAH AH AHH AH!
AARON: EHHH! HEH! HEH! HEH! HEEEEH!
That was *funny*, wasn't it?
AARON: Oh, here! Oh, Oh! This is *reaaally* un-orderly. Here.
THERE we go.
It'll be fine. Someone will probably put that in one of the stews and they'll never know the difference.
They're like, 'Potato, potato, Rondach's head, potato, potato...'
I better get this outta here. Uhh, this is kinda awkward...
There we go--OH! He's just! Look, he's just *sleeping*.
He was takin'  a little nap, and his head just fell off! Wha--I dunno what happened!
Ohhh, Anton. You already got rigor mortis. That's kinda grotty.
OOH! What is going on *heeere*??
Voada! You sick, little monkey!
What are ya doin' in front of the *soup*, you weirdo?! Look at where she's got her *hands*!
OOoooh, GROSS!
OOOOHHHHhhhh--UGHH! Look it! Voada! What are you doing with that *GOAT ROAST*?!
Look at her! UGH!
GROSS. She's rubbing it on her *private parts*!
WHAT A *SICKO*!
This place is *disgusting*!
Okay, so, uhhhh--Put nightshade on all of 'em, and we're headin' out!
♫
EMRE: Balagog gro-Nolob!
AARON: BalagogGroNolob.
EMRE: Sounds like a drunk guy trying to say, 'bag of granola'.
AARON: Or, it sounds like a drunk guy trying to *throw* a bag of granola...into the air.
Really high.
EMRE [using his college Freshmen voice]: BAWLEGAHG GRENAOLHHhhh!
AARON [emulating a drunk Bill Cosby with a stroke]: AHHBEHLA GLOBBLEH DEES GRAHNULLAH?
It's really all in the *tongue*. Like, the correct Orc pronunciation? GreBLBLBLBLBLEH.
EMRE: Yeah. They *do* have lightning quick tongues.
AARON: GREBLBLBLBLBLBLBEHH!
Alright, Shadowmere. We gotta go find GREBLBLBLBLBEH.
EMRE: BLBLBLBLEH.
AARON: Ehhh. Skyrim's turned us into a couple of babbling idiots.
UNFORTUNATE GUARD: WAT WAS DAT?!
AARON: Oh, excuse me! I'm just coming through.
EMRE: You know, if I was walking around in the snow and I saw a clown riding a horse...
EMRE: I would--
AARON: I would probably *GET THE FUCK OUTTA THE WAAAY*.
AARON: Hey!
Where are you goin'?
BALAGOG gro-NOLOB: Whatever it is, I'm sure I can't be of help...
AARON: I just wanna know the correct pronunciation of your name, Bahgerglglglglh.
BALAGOG: Fight well!
AARON: HEY!
Don't run away! Come back!
EMRE: I think he wants to kill your horse.
AARON: DUDE! WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' TO MY HORSE?!
OH...
He's attacking these thugs. Yeah, yeah! Let's take these guys out, Granolub!
Let's fuck these guys up, man!
[EMRE laughs, sounding more and more like the Joker]
EMRE: They *KILLED* him! You didn't even--
AARON: No, no! Guys! It's cool, thank you! I appreciate that!
Noooo--We don't have to fight!
WELL. That was convenient.
I don't know who hired those thugs but, uhm...
They really came at a great time for me.
EMRE: YEAH, they really did.
AARON: I, uhhh--
EMRE: You should find out.
AARON: OOOOOOOhhhh....I *just* killed Voada!
EMRE [in utter disbelief]: WHHAahahahaoh.
AARON: THAT IS FAST!
WHOOO....and, how did they know that??
EMRE: Yeah! Who *ratted* on you??
AARON: 'Return to me with proof of the deed'...
Aine-THACK.
AineTHACH.
EMRE: Ohh, SHIT.
AARON: AeenyTHACH.
EMRE: You know what you gotta do now?
AARON: I gotta kill Ainethach.
EMRE: Yep.
AARON: Who the Hell *is* this bitch, Ainethach?
EMRE: I dunno. ALRIGHT...If anybody online knows where to find Ainethach--
AARON: YEAH!
EMRE: Let us know.
AARON: Lemme know where Ainethach is because Ainethach is gonna take a dagger up *the buns*.
Come on, Granolalob. Let's goooo...
Oh! Oooh. Look out for that post--OH!
OOOoooh! Sorry, man! SORRY! Okay. Here. I'm gonna try to go straighter. Here--
OOOH! OH! OH, CRAP!
I ran 'em into that rock.
Awwwh, here we go!
There we go--Oooh, hey! This is a hiding place.
EMRE: Sweeeeet.
AARON: BAH-BYEEEEEeeee! BON VOYAGEHHHHhh!
Ohhh, look at 'em.
This is *fun*.
Hey, w-what--what are you lookin' at? What's so interesting up there?
Yeah, I mean, the weather's nice and all...but...
Can I drag him in the water?
Oohh, this is cool...
It's like I'm a fuckin' motorboat, or water-skiing.
EMRE [as a Transformer who is also a boat]: VRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHhhhh!!!!
AARON: WOOOHaHOO HOOOOOO!
Look it! He's so *free*...
AARON [as dead ass BALAGOG]: 'Yaaaaaay, I love it!!'
Okay.
See you later, man.
♫
AARON: Aaaastrid?? Guess what!
ASTRID: Need something?
AARON: Y-Yeah! I killed Calico Nose-Job! Or, whatever his name was.
EMRE: BALAGUGGRANOLBUB.
AARON: C-Calco No-Job!
ASTRID:...Need something?
[AARON begins to speak but gives up before he starts]
AARON: SISTER.
ASTRID [oblivious to how she torments him]: Sister?
AARON [dully]: Need something?
[The creature named ADAM once again peers out from the darkness...and laughs]
ASTRID: Sister?
AARON: NEED SOMETHING?
...Sister?
ASTRID: NEED something?
AARON: SO...you seee what life would be like if I behaved like Astrid...
OKAY? Which is *not* be...very interesting.
[EMRE, who has been stifling laughter this entire time, finally breaks]
BABETTE [off camera]:..Lookin' like a CHIIiild...
AARON: Shuddup, kid.
[BABETTE continues to blab, thinking she's people]
AARON: HEY! The adults are talking!
[FESTUS attempts conversation but is overrun by more CRUNCHING]
AARON: Uhh, Festus? I still can't hear *anything* you're saying.
Oh, my Gawhd...
FESTUS: Consider it my way of apologizing--
AARON: It sounds like somebody is jacking off with, like, a paper bag...
[CRUNCH RUSTLE RUSTLE FUCKING CRUNCH]
EMRE [laughing]: Yeah! You're exactly right!
AARON THE CHRONIC MASTURBATOR: CHH-CHH-CHH!!! UGH, UGH, UGH! UUUGH!
That would *hurt* like HELL to do that.
EMRE [speaking from experience]: Yeah but, WELL, that's what the hobos have to use on the train.
AARON [sing-song]: GUESSSSS WHAT IIIIII GET TA DOOooOoOOOOoo...
Festus kept it short--AND, he said go talk to Astrid!
EMRE: It's been a good day so far!
AARON: I know. I love Festus--
EMRE: What can Astrid *do* to ruin it...
AARON [as a special, special boi]: DAAAAhhh itz tem?? Weh reddy to assunate deh emprah?
ASTRID [in her most pornographic voice yet]: OOOhhh, yessss...
EMRE: Mmnnnyeah...
AARON [bearing no shame]: I just jizzed.
ASTRID: *YOU* will have the honor.
You'll gain unrestricted access to the kitchens.
And then, the Emperor...
AARON: YEaaah...
I wanna gain unrestricted access to *your* kitchen, h-h-honey...
Astrid, uh, what poison should I use? You know? Y-You--
ASTRID: Here. Take *this*.
AARON: YES. Take it. *TAKE IT*!
ASTRID: It's called jarrin root.
AARON: Uhuh?
ASTRID: All it takes is *one* taste...
AARON: Ohhh, yeah, I can *feel* it! It's already working! MMNNHH!
ASTRID: It took all the favors, bribes and blackmails I could muster.
AARON [way too hopeful]: FOR MEEEE???
ASTRID: But, I've secured your exit out of the keep.
AARON: She did it for *me*.
ASTRID: Just follow my instructions, and the Dark Brotherhood will be back *on top*.
AAAAlll thanks to *yoooooou*....
AARON: YAS, Astrid. I'm...ohgawhd...
I'm so *high*. I feel so high right now. Astrid loves me *again*.
AARON: OOHHHHHGHH! That was a wonderful, wonderful trip into the shitty cave.
I can't wait to go *kill* an Emperor.
♫
AARON: Oh, Solitude! I have such *good* memories of this place.
Hey, uuuh--I'mma like a chef and shit?
EMRE: O-OH! W-WAIT! You should dress up like a chef!
AARON: Sorry...
I, uhh...I'm not a chef...Ahehheh..heh.
Okay! Welp!
It just so happens that I have a, uhhh...
Chef's hat.
Aaaand a chef's tunic...
Ohh!
EMRE: WOW. Nice.
AARON: *I* am a good-lookin' chef.
So, as you can see, I've got my double-bladed gensu axe.
Aaaand, I got my little cook's outfit on.
I think I'm ready to go.
COMMANDER MARO: What's this now?
AARON: I'm the, uh, Gourmet.
MARO: You should proceed to the kitchens, straight away.
AARON: Okay!
I love you!
Just always nice to leave conversations with that, you know?
EMRE: Yeah!
GIANNA: Now put whatever ya have over there, then! And get out!
AARON: *Poop* whatever I have over theeere...?
EMRE: OHHhgaHD...
IRON CHEF AARON: YEW MISA-UNDERSTANDAH! FOR I AMMMMAHHHH--DEH GORBEEEEEEH!
GIANNA:..The Gourmet?
IRON CHEF AARON: YEEESHAAH.
IMMA HEEEREAH!
I think maybe you shouldn't be wearing a low-cut shirt, honey.
It's just...advice from one woman to another.
I just wanna say. The thing is...? It's not that her boobs are *smaaaall*...
It's just the fact that they look...
...Misshapen?
EMRE: YEEAAAaahh...
AARON: And distorted...and, like...like--
EMRE: Like pancakes.
AARON: UHMM! Uhhh, w-what should I tell her to put in the soup??
EMRE: UHHHHH--
AARON: I'mma let her use her *own* inspiration.
EMRE: That's a good idea!
IRON CHEF AARON: DEH GOURMEHH--HE SAYZ YEW USE WADDEVAH YEW WAAHNTSY!
OOOHH! WER DUN! UHHHH, NO, WAIT! JUSS ONE LITTLE DAHHH, OTHAH T-THING WE GOTTA PUT IN IZ DIS JAAAAH JAREEN NAH ROOTAH??
GIANNA: Oooh? What is *this*?
IRON CHEF AARON: NAH, NAHZ GIANNAH! WHO IZ AH-GORE-MEH?? E-EN DIS PLACE?
GIANNA: I-I'm sorry! Of course, it's your most famous--
IRON CHEF AARON: EETSAH ME! DAS EXACTLEH RIGHT.
DANK YEH! NO PROBLEM! NOOooow you got to cover up your chest IMMEDDIATELYahhh. AhhhHH, I git ta feel a lil SICK in mah stUMach.
GIANNA: Please! I'll serve!
You just stand there and...be *amazing*!
IRON CHEF AARON: EhHEHh das exACTly wat I wuz gun ta dew.
EYYYY, ERBODEH! LOOK EH, WE GOT SUM DELICIOUS VEALS HERE! YEW GUNT TEH EAT EM RIGHT UP!
It's bestah soup I eveah madeah.
Give it a tasteh, taste.
GIANNA: SOMEBODY HELP!!
AARON: OHSHITTTT--AAAHH, 'SCUZE MEH! I DON'T KNOW HOW DAT HAPPENED, AHHH!
I'M DAH GOURMEH! W-WHY YEW DOO DIS TO DAH GOURMEH? I MADEAH GOOD SOUP!
OOOHhhSHIIT! DEY LOCK DAH DOOR!
Can yew peepul settle down a lil bit??
[FUUUUUUS RO DAAAAAH!!!]
AARON [accent is running out of steam]: Ohhh, dars deh door...
AARON [speaking normally now]: Well, that was fun...but, uhh, I'm all done now. I'm gonna head back to Astrid.
I did it, Astrid! Another successful...
What...the fuck..is goin' on?
UHH...
COMMANDER MARO: That man was, by far, the most insufferable decoy the Emperor has ever employed.
AARON: W-Who's talking?
MARO:..I'm *glad* he's dead.
AARON: You??
MARO: SURPRISED? So was *I* when a member of your 'family' came to me with a plan.
AARON: What...?
MARO: We worked out a *DEAL*, you see..An *EXCHANGE*.
EMRE: OOOOoohhh...
MARO: I get *you*, and the Dark Brotherhood gets to--
EMRE: OH HO HO....
AARON: NOooo...
EMRE: *SOMEBODY* in the Dark Brotherhood betrayed you.
AARON: NOOO, no, noooo...
EMRE: Yeah, who the *FUCK* do you think did that?
AARON [deluded and in denial]: It was OBVIOUSLY Arnbjorn! What are you saying--Astrid did it? I don't *think* so!
ARNBJORN is trying to get rid of me, dude.
It was either that or *BABBIT*.
I mean, Babbit? You can tell is up to no good *all the time*...
*THANK YOU*. Really. That guy was annoying me...
[EMRE's experiences uncontrollable laughter over AARON's persistent delusional state]
I wish Astrid could see this. I meaaan...I have a *lot* of fun out here on the road.
Hey, wait up!
HEY! Slow down! Man!
EMRE: He's like a Slinky.
AARON: Look at this! Theeere ya go. You're almost theeeeere!
[ADAM and EMRE nearly break the mic with their bellowing laughter]
AARON: AWWWWHHHH...come onnnn...
♫
AARON: Astrid!
Astrid!
Astrid?
Astrid!
Astrid...?
Astrid!
A-A-Aah...Aaastrid?
[GTA Random Citizen: Yeeeeaaah! BOI, BOI! HaHa! DOPE!]
