[MUSIC PLAYING]
Yo, nothing but illustrious
guests on the number-one
show at late night.
Yes, sir.
Tonight we got
Emmy Award-winning
comedian John Mulaney, y'all.
Give it up for John Mulaney.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
MERO: Hey.
What's up!
Yeah.
Yes.
Yes.
All right, my guy John
Mulaney in the house.
Yes, sir.
This is not Pete Buttigieg.
Want to make that clear.
Just want to put that
out there right now.
- All right?
- I'm not.
You're not.
You sure?
- I'm from the Midwest.
- Do you have a Pete?
Strike one.
I'm boring.
[CHUCKLING]
I'm not going to be president.
I could be.
Can you dance?
Wow, then you know more
about politics than--
- Can I dance?
- Can you dance?
- Does he dance?
- No.
Wait, go-- oh, you want him
to do the Buttigieg dance?
The Buttigieg--
It was just like--
who knows it?
Does anybody?
Come on, there's a lot of
white people in this room.
There's too many
white people in here.
One of y'all know it.
There's an election coming up.
And so there's all
these candidates.
And one of them is named Pete--
oh, you just mean the dance.
OK.
[CHUCKLING]
What is the dance?
- It's very sad.
- It's like so weird.
It's like a--
Like if white people remember
it's like the Electric Slide.
Like this, this, this.
It's basically
the 2020 Macarena.
Yeah.
Very sad.
It's frightening.
I learned about
the Macarena I think
before anyone in the
United States at a Club Med
when I was 11.
Oh, yeah?
Because it was really
big outside of America.
Yeah, it was very big
in the Club Med scene.
There you go.
And when it started
and became big in the US,
I said, I know this, you know?
And no one cared.
Were you one of
those guys that
was like, yo, I appreciated this
more when it was underground?
Yeah, I was like, oh, you
know the popular Macarena.
Right.
Yeah.
I knew it when it
was just at Club Med,
where people buy
food with beads.
And bought the-- did you
get the vinyl at Rough Trade?
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Went to-- got it Kim's Video.
That was a video store
in the East Side.
That was a throwback
on the Lower East Side.
Google.
All you millennials.
What's it like
being one of the most
popping comedians right now?
You're everywhere.
And everybody loves you.
Everyone loves you.
And nothing-- no bad stories
have come out about you yet.
There's no, yo,
John Mulaney's a dick.
Really?
Yeah, there's no "John
Mulaney is a dick" stories yet.
Popping?
Everyone loves me?
Yes.
Do you want us--
do you want us to do blurbs
for like a book or something?
Well, I-- yes,
I'd love a blurb.
- Oh, definitely.
- Oh, yes.
We got you.
Oh, great.
John Mulaney's the homie.
Yo.
Could you work in popping?
And poppin'.
And then yours will just
be, everyone loves him.
Yo, everyone fucks
with John Mulaney.
There you go, even better.
Even better.
I don't know--
Everybody.
--in the Midwest,
but you know.
My mom will be like,
who fucks with you?
[CHUCKLING]
Tell them-- make them
eat a knuckle sandwich.
But, no, your resurgence.
You're everywhere, man.
You're super hot.
Oh.
You're fuego, as
the kids would say.
Oh, that's great news.
I-- it's been a
really fun couple years.
But I'm just so flattered right
now, I don't know what to say?
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
I-- what's it like to
have everyone love me?
Still humble.
Love that.
I stay humble by not
leaving the apartment.
And on the 2, 3 train,
people go, you know,
get out of my way.
And they don't seem
to be very impressed.
Right.
And my parka is too big,
so I take up two seats.
And they get mad at me.
And I never hear, you
know, we all love you,
and you're popping, and stuff.
Well--
You'll never hear,
we all love you--
--you have to be different.
Yeah.
--on the subway.
That would be great if you
walked in on the 2, 3 train.
Hey, we all love you.
- We all love you.
- Yeah.
We love you.
Actually, that's probably
the last thing you want
to hear on the 2 or 3 train.
Yeah, that guy's
usually holding a Bible.
You know it's something bad.
JOHN MULANEY: It would
be terrifying, yeah.
Yeah.
Like if you're on
the train, and some guy
is blowing kisses at you,
like, ay, we all love you.
I-- we love you.
I love you, John.
And so does Christ.
Christ loves you, John.
Oh, I love that.
I love--
Christ loves you.
I love when you're
on the subway,
and you start to have
a conversation that's
not Christ related,
and then the guy
just veers right into Christ.
- [SQUEALING BRAKES SOUND]
Yeah, you've got
to bring it in there.
How are you?
Like I'm pretty good.
You have a good day?
Yeah.
Have you found your
Lord and Savior yet?
And you're like,
aw, come on, man.
- No, no.
- Yeah.
- Come on, bro.
- Where'd you get those shoes?
Oh, I got them on Zappos.
Oh, cool.
Do you believe in the Lord
and Savior Jesus Christ?
Yeah.
He got his sandals on Zappos.
I'm like, give me at least
three questions before you
jump to the Lord and Savior.
Yeah, you know, we can talk
about Zappos a little more
before you make me
feel guilty for just
becoming an atheist because--
What's your--
What's your stance on
Showtime, not the channel
but the dancing on the train?
Wait.
What's my--
AUDIENCE: Hello!
Showtime.
It-- dancing on the
train is called Showtime?
Yes.
You never--
They come in, and
they yell, Showtime.
They come in.
And they're like--
Oh, I've heard
them yell, Showtime.
They're like, if you
like what you see, clap.
If you don't like
what you see, clap.
And then they like put
on music and they like--
- I love it.
- You love it?
I'm always--
I love it.
Here's why.
I'm always like when
the guy grabs the bar,
and he does the spin, I'm
always like, he's going to fall.
He's going to fall.
And they never fall.
They never fall.
And I'm always like, this time
he's definitely going to hit
me with his legs and fall.
And they never do.
They know what they're doing.
And I didn't know it
was called Showtime.
I knew they yelled,
Showtime, but--
That's why it's
called Showtime.
Yeah.
Mariachi guys just come
on, and just start.
And they do it.
They just start.
All right, what's your
favorite subway act?
OK, you've got
the mariachi guys.
You've got the Showtime.
You've got the doo-wop.
You've got the
African drum players.
Oh, I love doo-wop.
Bucket playing, I love.
That's a real New York art.
My favorite subway act is
when someone comes on--
I've seen this twice.
I saw a guy.
He had a crown made of tin
foil and newspapers too,
not just tin foil, newspapers.
Mixed media.
Yeah, mixed media.
And all recyclable,
so, you know,
it's not like he was crazy.
You know what I'm saying?
He's reducing his
carbon footprint.
So he had a
clarinet, all right?
And he gets on the train.
He goes, I'm an alien.
I'm an alien from outer space.
And I don't think he was.
But then he goes
[IMITATES BAD CLARINET]..
And everyone on the train
is just like, oh, my--
oh my fucking god.
Are-- is this--
is this happening?
Right.
One of those moments?
It went on for a while.
And he-- and then he lowered
it, and he said, if you
give me money, I'll stop.
[CHUCKLING]
A genius.
That man is a
genius right there.
And actually, whole
train was like, [CLAPS]..
- Yo, you know what?
- You're the best.
Here's $100.
You're poppin',
and we all love you.
I've seen you at Knick games.
At Knick games?
Yes.
Yeah, I'm a point guard.
And I'm not doing that well.
No, are you a Knick fan?
Or are you just--
Ooh, how to answer, ooh.
It's a yes-or-no
question, brother.
I like the tickets.
Mm-hm.
You like the arena.
So yes?
OK.
I'm a Bulls fan.
You're a Bulls fan.
And then I'm a Nets fan.
Ooh, ooh.
Can we--
Wait, wait, whoa,
how does that work?
Well, I don't live
in Chicago anymore.
Right.
So I like to go to games.
And the team that I have the
most affinity for is the Nets.
Ah.
Brooklyn Nets.
What-- why are you so scoffing
so much at the Brooklyn Nets?
It's like they're like no--
What-- he-- what do you--
you're upset, too.
What's wrong?
Because we're New Yorkers.
No, because you know what it is?
Because we're from New York.
We're from the Bronx.
You know the vibes.
And as a New Yorker, it's like--
The Nets are in Brooklyn,
which is in New York.
The Nets have recently
moved to Brooklyn.
- No, I know that.
- OK.
They used to be
the New Jersey Nets.
All right.
Low key, I mean,
this is a hot take.
The Nets are
gentrifying Brooklyn.
[CLAPPING]
Oh.
Oh, it was them?
It was them.
They were the first
to gentrify Brooklyn?
They were the first.
Listen, first came the
Nets, then City Bites.
"Ghost-- "Ghostwriter"
was the first
thing to gentrify Brooklyn.
And then--
- Brother.
That was a show on PBS.
- It was a great show.
- That's right.
It was great show--
(SINGING)
Ghostwriter-- --where a--
Word.
We don't know
where he came from.
He was the ghost
of a runaway slave,
teaching a diverse
group of kids reading.
Yeah.
That was a--that was a--
Why is it no
longer on the air?
I don't know.
I never heard that
story before ever.
That-- I've-- that's the--
OK, somebody was not in a
"Ghostwriter" Yahoo group.
[CHUCKLES] My god.
They're like, take
those hoodies off.
You're old as shit.
[CHUCKLING]
OK.
All right, why do
I like Nets games?
Because Barclays Center
is lit kind of the way
the old Chicago Stadium
was when I was a kid.
When you just said lit, I
was like, oh, he cool, cool.
No, no.
No, I was like, yeah.
I was talking about actual--
You were talking
about lighting.
- --lights.
- OK.
Yeah, actual lighting.
So like Chicago Stadium, before
they built the United Center,
it was like the seats were all
dark, and the court was lit.
And so you were just
focused on the game.
And so I really like that.
Madison Square
Garden, which I love,
and I love the tickets-- please
keep giving me the tickets.
But it's so bright
that like I don't know
where to look at all, you know?
- Oh, OK.
I know there's a game.
But then there's all
this stuff happening.
So I'm just always--
- There's balloons and stuff.
Yeah, there's balloons.
Unicycles.
Any time there's a
balloon, I'm done, you know?
That is fair.
That is fair.
Yeah.
So I like sitting at Nets games.
I'm not following
the team or whatever.
But I guess I'm a Bulls fan
because that's where I'm from.
I respect that.
I respect that.
Yeah.
Especially since the Bulls
suck, and you stuck by them.
Yeah, yeah.
You've got to tap him up.
You've got to tap him up.
OK, I'll tap him up.
But, listen--
You're poppin', and
everybody loves you.
--Bob Dylan, if you go see
him now, is not that great.
But--
[CHUCKLING]
Could you explain to
them who Bob Dylan is?
Bob Dylan was the most
famous musician ever.
And now he sort of looks
like an old Egyptian woman.
Bob Dylan was like
Justin Bieber in the '60s.
No.
He was like Justin Bieber
and Mark Twain and, like,
who else gets too much cred?
Like--
Billie Eilish.
I believe like--
it was like, yeah,
Billie Eilish, Justin
Bieber, Lena Dunham,
Mark Twain, like all of those.
All together.
I don't mean
there's too much cred.
Just like every-- all day
long, people just went, Bob
Dylan, Bob Dylan, Bob Dylan.
Oh, my god, it's Bob.
And he still tours.
And it's not as good
as when he was younger.
Sometimes as people
get older, they get
worse at the things they do.
But the Bulls are Bob Dylan,
because when I was a kid,
they had two threepeats.
And they were the greatest
basketball team ever.
So if they "suck now"--
DESUS: Wow.
--terribly sorry.
They might be a little
exhausted after two threepeats.
Wow, wow.
[CHUCKLING]
Wow.
- Yeah.
Yeah, no, no.
OK.
You said it with your chest.
I mean, I have no rebuttal.
You say it
No, no, no.
I mean, you know--
- You know--
- --is it too bad?
I mean, our Nicks went
to the playoffs once.
I never--
In 2012.
That was only like
six years ago.
When Michael Jordan
left basketball
to play baseball, which
is like when I left comedy
to do dancing, when he
went to play baseball
for whatever reason,
I remember the Bulls
weren't in the playoffs.
And the Knicks were.
And John Starks was on TV
kind of disparaging the Bulls.
And I've never hated
anyone more in my life--
Wow.
--than John Starks
at that moment.
I felt that same
pain in Game Seven.
So, you know, you've been there.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- It was hard.
And I remember when
the Bulls were losing,
when they were about to
be eliminated at MSG,
everyone was chanting,
sha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na,
hey, hey, hey, goodbye, because
we'd had a threepeat, you know?
DESUS: Mm-hm.
And--
Turn that knife.
And Michael Jordan came back.
And we had another threepeat.
After his father had been
murdered, he came back,
and we had another one.
But apparently now they suck.
So I actually don't
know that much.
I don't know why I wasted
so much time on that.
I-- really.
Well, that's right in
our lane right there.
You were defending
Michael Jordan's honor.
You've got to do it.
Yeah, yeah.
He's your childhood icon.
Yeah, yeah, I'll
defend his honor.
He's getting a
little weird, though.
- Yeah.
- What weird?
Is it the earring or the pants?
The bootcut jeans?
Or just everything?
It-- you know, I was
about to say the crying.
But like everyone's
dad is like crying now.
So I feel like it's in keeping
with a man getting older.
Yeah.
You know, my dad
will just sort of
like get teared up sometimes.
Like we were
standing on a beach.
You know how you
do with your dad.
And--
[CHUCKLING]
Just looking off
into the sunset.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And my dad said, I
wish Grandpa was here.
He was talking about his father.
Right.
And his dad was born in 1902.
Goddamn.
And I said, Dad, if he was
here, he'd be 118 years old.
But he would get all teary-eyed,
like Michael Jordan, who--
Who's 118 years old today.
Yeah.
DESUS: Congrats, Mike.
Give it up for Michael Jordan.
Am I crazy?
Did he not cry?
I thought I--
No, he did, at the--
what was it?
At the Hall of Fame speech.
Oh, yeah, where he
also berated people.
He was crying.
But he was also
like cooking people.
He was like, I'm really good.
I'm better than you.
[HYPER SOBBING]
That's how you've got
to a Hall of Fame speech.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
You've got to be a jerk.
Yeah, there's no--
why be gracious--
Why be gracious?
--when you're
getting an award--
As one of the
best of all time.
Yeah, and--
But he's Jordan.
- Because he's Jordan.
- He's Jordan.
Yeah.
What could you tell him?
You can't tell him
anything on the court,
at the blackjack table.
I could tell him a lot
at the blackjack table.
I'd go, hey, you're
so good at basketball.
Stop gambling.
[CHUCKLING]
Also, it seems like you
have a lot of money.
I don't know if you need the
Hanes and the McDonald's ads.
- That is true.
- Yeah.
Oh, come on, between
the three of us,
you could throw one--
you know what I mean,
a couple of them out of there?
Also, he did the
Hanes ads when he had
like the weird Hitler mustache.
MERO: Yeah.
Yes, yes, yes.
MERO: Nobody--
Like nobody on set was
like, whoa, hair and makeup.
No.
Should we tell him to
trim his Hitler mustache?
He might cry.
That's why when people say,
is LeBron better than Jordan,
I say no, because
Jordan had the audacity
to try to make Hitler's
mustache popular again.
Wow.
Is that--
That's levels, brother.
It takes balls.
Yeah, wow.
You've got to have
a lot of balls--
I would just go,
because he's better.
Also--
But that's an 11-year-old
rage inside of me.
That 11-year-old sports rage,
it stays with you forever.
Yeah, my cousins
lived in Boston.
And they were like, Larry Bird's
better than Michael Jordan.
And I was like, I hate you.
I hate you.
MERO: Fuck you.
I--
Fuck you and fuck your family.
Which includes me.
So--
Which includes me.
[YELLS]
Oh, man.
Wait, you were allowed
to go to musicals
when you were in high school
or something like that?
I saw musicals
like in Chicago.
In Chicago?
You know, they'd bring
them to Chicago after--
MERO: Did you see
"Chicago" in Chicago?
--after they did them in
New York with famous people.
What did you say?
Did you see
"Chicago" in Chicago?
I did.
I did.
I was like 13 or
14 or something.
Have you ever seen
"Chicago" the musical?
(SINGING) Mr. Cellophane.
Yeah.
But like I think
was like Jasmine
Guy was in it when I saw it.
Oh, yeah, the remake of it.
Yeah, Jasmine Guy.
Yeah, like they--
and they're in like
these like dance outfits.
I was like--
I went with my mom and my dad.
And I was like, I--
I'm about to get such
a boner right now.
This is crazy.
Like--
[CHUCKLES] It's Whimbley.
It was just so like,
it was like so sexual.
And like I was there with--
like the last musical we'd seen
was like "Joseph and the
Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat."
And now I was just watching
this like, oh, my god.
And my dad was like,
[CLEARING THROAT]
[INAUDIBLE]
You know when
your parents would
like watch a movie
with you, and suddenly
two people are having sex.
And they're just like, [MUMBLES]
Uh, do you want
some popcorn, John?
- Yeah.
- Wait, I want to see this.
What's that, a chair?
[YELLS]
"Oh, Hello," with Nick Kroll.
Yes.
"Oh, Hello" with Nick Kroll.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
It's very good.
It's very funny.
Oh, thank you.
- No, for real.
- Thank you.
That--
I saw you guys
talking to John Oliver.
This is a subway
conversation over here.
Yeah, the 2 or the 3.
I really loved doing that.
That was super fun.
- It was fun?
- Yeah.
- It was very good.
I'm glad you liked it.
I liked it when you told John
Oliver that whatever he says,
he sounds exasperated.
When he was a
guest I said that?
Yeah, he can do that.
Yeah, he can really
be exasperated.
British people can
really be exasperated.
Right?
Over the simplest shit.
Yeah.
Like, uh-oh, it's the
pick-a-mix, mate, oh, no.
(JOHN OLIVER) And
then without warning--
and you're just like--
(BRITISH ACCENT) The
tube was 30 seconds late.
Oh, the British are just
apoplectic about everything.
Like the Meghan Markle thing,
like is that even a story?
MERO: It's--
You know, it's really not.
It's really not, but
over there it is.
If like Malia
Obama moved, would
we talk about it this much?
- No.
- It's crazy.
Well, you know what?
It's kind of like
it's cold over there.
It's cold over where?
In England.
It is cold over there.
So they're-- they've
got nothing going on.
But it's just like
he married someone.
His grandmother didn't like her,
which the-- what grandmother
has ever liked the
person you marry?
- Yeah, never.
- That's like four shows on CBS.
That's never happened
in the history of--
Yeah.
Yeah, no one's ever been like,
hey, this is my new girlfriend.
And the grandmother's
been like, oh--
I love her.
--I've been cold for 50
years, but I'll be nice to you.
And then so they left
and moved to Canada.
And they took away their
goddamn titles, right?
Yeah.
They're no longer
like prince and--
And that's like a
big deal in England.
People are like, yeah,
take away their titles.
I get it, man.
That's--
Like do you think they care?
Yeah.
Eh.
If you were called Your Royal
Highness your whole life--
Right.
--and then you were
like, we'd like to move.
And it was like, you're no
longer Your Royal Highness.
Now you're Harry.
Yeah.
Now you're Redhead Harry.
Yeah, what's up,
you fucking ginger?
It's very whimsical.
You said they're in Canada?
Yeah, they're in
Canada right now.
Standing in line in
Tim Hortons and shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like they're
going, Harry, Harry.
Oh, Your Royal Highness.
I'm sorry, Harry.
But see, now it rights
itself, because now they'll
eventually going to move to LA.
And they'll get
like a reality show.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
They're definitely
going to hell.
Like "Harry Loves
Megan" or whatever.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
That'd be a good show.
Yeah.
We're trying to get on that.
You've got to come with us.
- On "Harry Loves Meghan"?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Are we producing it.
Or are we--
No, no, we're just going
to be like on the couch
in the living room.
- Yeah, just like--
- Oh, we're like his friends?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
We're like his poker buddies?
He's going to be like, oh,
Meghan's driving me bonkers,
mate.
John, what shall I do?
Yeah.
We're playing a poker hand.
And I'm like--
MERO: And you're
like, oh, damn, Harry.
--I'll tell you what
I did with my wife.
I--
Yeah, tell him, John.
Yeah.
I told her, you
know, you keep this up,
you won't be a princess anymore.
And then the phone rings.
And he's like, hello?
Grandma?
You'll be here in five minutes?
- Oh.
- Ah.
And then we've got to do
like a medley cleaning up.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's like,
you've got to clean up.
And we're like, no.
And somehow, Peppa
Pig is involved.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then they're
like, there's a B
story, where we had the
world's largest gravity bong.
And we have to hide that now.
- Right.
- The queen's coming over.
Yeah, oh, no.
But then he smoked it
before she comes over.
Now he's too high.
So we have to like
hide his highness.
I want this show.
When she finds
it, we're all like,
oh, she's going to be mad.
And then she goes, is
that a gravity bong?
And she takes a hit.
Yeah, yeah.
Like in an Adam Sandler movie?
Yes.
I love when
there's an old lady.
And you're like, oh,
she won't like rap.
And then she like dances.
She's like, hey.
She's like, turn that future up.
Yeah.
Turn that music up.
Yeah.
And you're like, whoa.
A hip, a hop, a
hippie to the hop--
it's like wow, that woman--
It's lit.
That woman lived 80 years, and
now she's doing that, you know?
So then, I guess, let's see.
And then Harry-- then
William could come by.
Mm-hm.
And we'd be like,
hey, William, you're
the King of England, right?
Could you afford a toupée maybe?
Ah, boy.
Oh.
Ah.
- That would be great.
- It's a great show.
The poker buddies.
Yeah, and then we just like
clink glasses or something.
Do we even need
Harry and Meghan?
Yeah, I think we do.
- Probably do.
Probably do, yeah.
But like just like VO.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not even-- just
like in the shot.
In another room, yeah.
I'm in here.
I'm Harry.
I'm Harry, mate.
Have you ever met the Queen
of England or any of the--
- I met a lady--
- No.
--who said she was
the Queen of England--
- You did?
- --on the 6 train.
- Oh, yeah.
- Which it turns out she wasn't.
Yeah.
She just had a bag full
of crickets and hair.
It was just Susan Boyle.
Whoa.
I've never--
That's such a fitting
name, by the way, for her.
Susan Boyle?
Yeah.
Why is it a fitting name?
I mean, she kind
of looks like a boil.
You know what?
You know how like that
clip was so big in America?
We were all like, oh,
that's so inspiring.
Britain, they're such
shit boxes that like--
I'm Irish.
So I don't like them.
They-- get all their tabloids,
they called her SuBo.
SuBo.
Yeah, capital S-U capital B-O.
Oh.
And they were like "SuBo
Freak Sings on Show."
Like they were so
mean to her, you know?
Wow.
Yeah, they really were, yeah.
And they destroyed her.
They broke her brain.
I don't know--
- Is she rich now, though?
Is she what?
Is she rich now, though?
She's probably a little rich.
DESUS: Yeah, probably.
Although I don't know.
Maybe she's not good with money.
Well, also, did she
ever have like a big song?
Like--
She had an album of covers.
She had an album of covers.
But you never were in a club
like, yo, DJ, play that Susan--
JOHN MULANEY: Yeah.
MERO: Yo, throw that
Susan Boyle on, yo.
JOHN MULANEY: Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Little Susan Boyle
with Cardi B on, yo.
Susan Boyle, Bad Bunny, yeah.
Can we look up Susan
Boyle's net worth?
PRODUCTION CREW: $40 million.
$40 million.
4-0 million?
DESUS: Wow.
The fuck?
MERO: What are we doing?
What are we doing?
She's watching this like,
whose brain got broke,
huh, John?
- Yeah.
(BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, you
think me brain broke, do ya?
Yeah, yeah.
(BRITISH ACCENT) Only thing
I'm breaking is the bank, mate.
(BRITISH ACCENT)
You thought my Celine
Dion cover wasn't selling, huh?
Well, I've got $40 million.
Oh, my god.
[CHUCKLES]
(BRITISH ACCENT)
So who's frumpy now?
John, we could
talk to you all day.
Let's do it then.
[CHUCKLING]
I would love that.
However--
So you're--
--Showtime execs would not,
because we have a budget.
You mean the guys that
dance on the subway?
The Showtime execs do
not dance on the subway.
MERO: No.
They are
respectable white men.
What if they
really got mad about?
You got a call later, like,
hey, you know, funny show,
but we don't dance
on the subway.
Just want to
make that explicit.
- All kidding aside, you know?
- It wouldn't be a call.
I'd have to fly to LA
to some weird dinner.
And I'm like, what happened?
- Yeah, you think it's a--
And they're like, we're
not mad with you, but--
You think it's a nice dinner.
And then they go, so--
DESUS: So.
--you said we
dance on the subway.
DESUS: Yeah.
What are the
Showtime execs like?
MERO: They're chill.
- They're pretty chill.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
That's cool.
I think some of them might
actually dance on the subway.
DESUS: Yeah.
South of Rendon.
Ah.
MERO: Yeah.
Wouldn't that be so endearing?
Like if you-- that's--
if I was running for
president, and I'm not.
But like if I--
Sure, Mayor Pete.
--I would just be seen--
if I was like--
who are people not
that excited about?
- Tom--
- Bloomberg?
--Schneider?
Yeah, if I was Bloomberg.
Right, OK.
If you saw Bloomberg
doing Showtime on the train,
I'd have a lot of questions.
Yeah.
If he was like,
hello, everybody.
Lo siento, New York--
Nuevo Yorkers.
Bloomberg speaking Spanish was
my favorite thing in the world.
It was my favorite
thing in the world.
It was also dangerous because
people needed that information.
And he was like, no, no, no.
I'ma handle this.
[BROKEN SPANISH]
Yeah, I'm outta there.
We have a Spanish speaker.
We're actually in New York.
We have millions of--
- Yeah.
No, I got this.
I got this.
No, no, no, I have it.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Michael, Michael, there's
10 Puerto Ricans behind you.
The snowstorm
could kill people.
I can handle it.
No, I got it.
Bonas naches, Nuevo Yorkers.
Mucho nacho nueve uh snow-o.
You know what I liked
about Bloomberg was--
I didn't like this, but I
found it fun that he had
like little projects, you know?
Like he'd like cover the
city in beige carpeting.
Yes.
And then he'd be like, (THICK
NEW YORK ACCENT) shoes off.
It's a Jewish-- he's
like a Jewish grandpa.
He was just like a guy
who had like preferences.
(THICK NEW YORK
ACCENT) I figured out
what's wrong with New
york, big Cherry Cokes.
That's right.
Get rid of 'em.
Meanwhile, we're like
begging for like our libraries
to stay open and stuff.
He's like, no.
MERO: No.
You know what?
19 ounces.
Yeah.
That's all you're getting.
- That's too much.
- Too much?
Just have a can.
Just drink a can.
Who needs a 20-ounce
bottle of soda?
Oh, man.
Well, we like them.
Well, fuck you.
Yeah, you know what?
I'm a billionaire.
You think Bloomberg
has ever bought a soda?
Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Maybe in his younger days.
Once.
Maybe like in the '70s?
Yeah, like when they like
made them with like soda
and like seltzer and shit,
like actually make them.
Oh, like a-- like a--
Like a malt shop.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
How many swipes
do you think it
would take Bloomberg
with a MetroCard
to get into the subway?
You know he used
to ride the subway.
"Ride."
- Was that just a photo op?
- It was a photo op.
He had like six security
guards around him.
And he got on a
couple of stations
away from Gracie Mansion.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Oh, why am I so dumb?
I-- I really thought--
You thought he was doing
like Park and Ride and shit?
You really think Bloomberg
is like running for the train,
and like getting on?
Like, woo, I made it.
JOHN MULANEY: I'm--
you know what?
I'm embarrassed.
- Yo, hold that door.
Hold that door.
Yo, y'all move in.
Yo, my god, move in.
I see some space right there.
What the fuck?
We all got to get to work.
God bless the guy that
when the train is so full,
that like parkas and
backpacks are sticking out,
still tries to get on.
Yep.
He's like, I will
somehow make it.
And the door is
shutting on him--
- On you.
- --and breaking his rib cage.
And that's when
you have to become--
Also, you have to
become the zen New Yorker.
And you don't make eye
contact with anyone.
And the door's just
hitting on you.
And you're like, whatever.
- You get--
- Whatever.
- You can't even--
Whatever.
I'm not going home,
nobody getting home.
Fuck that.
Move in.
The train moves all
slow because there's
just so many people.
You can't even
hold onto the bar.
So you just hold onto the--
- The roof.
Roof, yeah.
They're like that.
OK, all right.
Or even worse, it's
so crowded you've kind
of got to lean on other people.
And they're mad.
And you're like, yo, what
do you want me to do?
Even in this age of
sensitivity about, you know,
rubbing up against people,
like on a packed train, all--
anything goes.
- No rules.
- Yeah.
- No rules.
- You're just like--
- You could hold onto a baby.
Yeah.
You just grab a--
Grab a toddler.
Like, yo.
Yeah, it's OK.
Stability.
Or you could just
sit on the loveseat
that some random person
bought on the train,
you know what I'm saying?
- A loveseat?
Yeah.
You've never seen people
bring weird shit on the train?
Like a--
I've seen people
bring weird shit.
I've never seen them
bring a loveseat.
MERO: A loveseat.
We're talking about
a two-person couch?
A two-person couch.
Wait, I thought
it was a full--
A loveseat on the
2-- on the 2 train.
On the 2?
On the 2 train, a
loveseat on the 2 train.
- On the express.
- Yes.
Interesting.
I mean, you can't
bring that on the 1.
- On the local.
- No.
- That's right.
- Yeah, you've got to save time.
What, are we going
to stop at 18th Street?
MERO: Exactly.
How much time do
you think I have?
MERO: I've got to go to 33rd.
- Yeah.
I-- my favorite
thing on the subway
is the seat that has a
little bit of soda on it.
And you could be shot in your
legs and need to sit down,
and look at that seat--
- You ain't sitting there.
--and go, I'm
not sitting there.
- I don't know.
- Even worse is the two--
I don't even know
if that's soda.
What about the--
Fair point.
What about the seats
that are adjacent to it?
And then once the
train starts moving,
now the soda is
going side to side?
Oh, yeah.
And now you're sitting there.
You're like, ah, fuck.
Yeah, it's like "Jurassic
Park" as that like
"T-Rex is coming" movement.
You're like, oh,
god, Second Avenue, ah.
Or the little like
fold-down one that just pops
up and sounds like a gunshot?
Yeah, what the hell is that?
When it goes poop.
Like you just stood up.
It's like pow-wow.
You're like, oh--
And then everyone looks
at you like it's your fault.
I'm like, yo, fam,
the MTA did that.
Yeah, that shit
was spring-loaded.
Who's in charge of the MTA?
Acme.
A British guy.
A British guy?
A British guy is
charge of the MTA.
I don't think he's
ever taken the trains.
Wiley Coyote.
Why is he in charge of it?
I don't know.
He's always like,
oh, budget cuts,
and we're going to cut tea time.
It's like, no, sir.
It's not--
- Who?
Yeah, we don't need budget--
It's not a British guy?
Oh, he quit.
Oh, yeah?
He was like, fuck this.
Wait, who's in charge now?
Is it available?
Could we just like, oh--
- SpongeBob.
He quit?
He's just like
some random person.
How do you quit
running the trains?
How dare he quit before we
can fire him for being terrible?
Oh.
What a dick.
And that-- I love when
there's that one like page
of "AM Weekly" or like "Metro."
And like everyone's
staring at it like--
Mm-hm, on the floor.
--I've got to read
that piece of paper.
I'm going to get that.
It says something about
Meghan Markle in there.
Yeah, "Thomas Markle
Gives Interview."
Oh, John.
Yeah.
Was this good?
MERO: This was great.
This was a lot of fun.
This is what we like.
We don't like the stupid, (DOPEY
VOICE) so, hey, so tell us
how-- when you were writing--
DESUS: Well, "SNL,"
how's that working?
How's "SNL" work?
Well, there's only
1,000 books about it.
But I'll tell you.
MERO: Yeah, exactly.
What's--
DESUS: No, this is-- how
we do the interview--
- How do you spell Lorne?
- We like to interview--
[CHUCKLING]
What did he say?
How do you spell Lorne?
Wow.
You don't like that
Byron Allen style of--
so you're on a fitness kick?
No, listen--
I love that.
Catch us in five
years when we're
doing bad syndicated shows.
Yo, you'll know.
By the way, Byron
Allen, man, he--
Byron Allen, the god.
Any Marriott Extended Suite
I've been in, I turn on the TV,
Byron Allen's on.
- On every channel.
Yo, every channel.
On every channel, on his own
shows, laughing at you like--
Except for that--
--this show's terrible,
but I'm making money.
Except for that hotel channel
that's like about the hotel.
- Oh, yeah.
- You know when you turn it on.
And it's like,
hello, Mr. Mulaney.
And it's like,
you're at a hotel.
You could go to the lobby.
I'm Mario Lopez.
I'm Mario Lopez.
(SINGING) Extra, extra.
I am in your room.
Oh, John, you're killing me.
And now you're going
to get us fired.
MERO: [CHUCKLES]
When you go to bodegas,
they have neon signs that
say what's available,
hot foods, don't
extend credit to this person.
What would you like
your neon sign to say?
My neon sign?
Mm-hm.
For like my life philosophy?
Yes.
Can it-- it
would be, Don't eat
crackers in bed,
comma, I know you
think you can eat 'em up here.
You will get crumbs
near your feet.
You will.
- Think about it.
- You will.
Think about it.
That's true.
Think about it.
That's right.
Yo, give it up for John
Mulaney in the house.
My god.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Don't eat a thing.
- That was so good.
- Was I good?
That was really good.
Felt like a rambling idiot.
Thanks.
That was so fun, man.
Thank you, man.
All right, should
we do part two?
- Part two.
- Yeah, let's go.
OK.
So what-- put
some-- put some--
put a new VHS tape in there.
Let's go.
Yeah.
