 
**Zombie Outbreak Survival: Get it Right or Die**

by

Van Allen

Published by Screaming Weasel Productions

Copyright 2017 Van Allen
Zombie Outbreak Survival: Get it Right or Die

Screaming Weasel Productions

www.VanAllenFiction.com

vanallenfiction@aol.com

Copyright Van Allen 2017

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Cataloguing Information:

Allen, Van

Zombie Outbreak Survival: Get it Right or Die/Van Allen

FIC028070 FICTION / Science Fiction / Apocalyptic & Post-Apocalyptic
**TABLE OF CONTENTS**

Title Page

Introduction

Part I Get it Right or Die

Part II Mutant Zombie Incident – Panama

Part III Real Zombies, Fact vs. Fiction

Part IV Prevention is the Best Cure

Part V The Rules

Part VI Weaponology

Afterword Captain Allen's Career Timeline

Dedication

About the Author

Previously Published
**Introduction**

So, the world is going to end up in the shitter one day because of a zombie outbreak. What can you expect? What should you be doing now? What are the keys to your survival in a full-blown zombie pandemonium?

Scientists around the world all agree that the next global pandemic outbreak with the potential to kill off millions of people worldwide is just hanging over the world's neck like an eager executioner's axe, waiting to fall, just waiting. Oh, it will happen, sooner than later. The last major global pandemic outbreak was in 1918, almost a hundred years ago. Everyone agrees, we are overdue right now.

It's the holiday season in America, cold weather forces people inside, gift-giving brings everyone together, college football bowl games and major flu outbreaks lead the news headlines, and you are ready, calmly watching for any reports of "other" "strange" things going on out there. Just as the New Year begins, more and more stories of flu deaths flood the news. There's no discounting the seriousness of what's going on.

Every news program leads off with the same frightening topic: growing death counts. You hear the words epidemic, pandemic, and outbreak daily, hourly, minute to minute. Everyone keeps track of flu related deaths. News trackers and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (www.CDC.gov) apps on your cellphone show the total deaths by date and area. You can search on their app for the names of people you know confirmed dead. You try not to worry—you got your flu shot three months ago—you researched flu outbreak preparedness on  www.flu.gov. Some bookie in Vegas lets people bet on the daily total number of deaths.

You hear something about mutant flu strains. You don't get it. You don't understand. Someone on the news said this year's flu vaccination won't protect people from this deadly strain. Some other news talking head said the flu vaccine for this year does offer some level of protection. All your life you never heard of the flu killing anyone; you've never known anyone to die of the flu. Now you know lots of dead flu victims, neighbors, coworkers, sports heroes, movie stars, pop stars, business leaders, politicians, Tom frickin' Brady. You don't feel like anyone is safe. You don't feel safe.

"I heard there were 16 more deaths in our county last night," your coworker says after calling in sick. You called him to make sure he was okay. He's okay, but he isn't taking any chances by coming to work.

Several coworkers asked to take leave because the school district closed the schools and they have to stay home with their kids. You heard one news puppet say this outbreak would be especially tough on kids and those with kids. You're not altogether sure why.

Bob at the water cooler seems to be keeping his distance from you. His nervous chatter worries you more.

"I hear they're cancelling any and all mass gatherings of people. No more sports events. No more church. No nothing after today. Do you have guns? I'll buy a gun from you. Name your price."

The man is usually very well dressed like a magazine cover model. Not today. Today he looks scared and tired and nervous. His hands shake. He smells like alcohol, rum if you guessed right. He's drinking lots of water you notice.

"I don't have any guns," you reply.

"Do you know somebody who's got some? You gotta know somebody with guns."

You don't know anybody who has guns. Now you're wondering if you should have added guns and ammo to your stockpile of things back at your home. You make a note to ask your mother about guns later when you call her to check on her.

Fred, the IT guy arrives at work late. He says someone broke into his home yesterday and stole all his supplies while he was at work yesterday. He's crying a little as he calls out all the things they stole, all his bottled water, dry foods and canned foods, his generator, his flashlights, first aid kits, toilette tissue, napkins, hand sanitizer, soap, baby items like diapers, bottles and baby food, his cigarettes, beer, and booze. He says he's worried because all the stores in his neighborhood gave out ration cards and he can't go back to the store for three more days. He closes the door to his office and puts his head down on his desk.

Passing by, you notice another coworker in the cubicle across from you has a serious case of the sniffles and she doesn't look well. You mention this to your supervisor.

Your supervisor, wearing a surgical mask, yells at her, "Get the hell out of here Francine. Don't come to work if you're sick."

She sniffs and mumbles, "I'm Paulette. Francine died last week. I don't have any more sick days and I can't afford to miss work."

"I don't give a shit. Either walk out of here right now or I'll have security kick you out," your supervisor yells from a distance.

Not much work is getting done where you work, an accounting firm. Meanwhile select politicians from Washington DC have evacuated that city and are somewhere at a secret location in Joshua Tree. You read this on a blog sitting in your cubicle. At the end of the day, your supervisor says that all employees are excused from reporting to work until further notice.

Later that night, a pasty-faced politician from San Antonio, Texas comes on TV and with a very worried look on his face tells everyone not to panic. Your girlfriend calls and says her mother isn't answering her phone anymore. She thinks the worst. She called the police and they said they would check on her mother and let her know later when they do. They told her to stay home. She says she's not coming over to stay with you until things calm down.

"Police have announced a curfew," the news reporter says just now. "Police have set up a community detention center at Emmitt Parker High School and plan to detain anyone not adhering to the curfew beginning tonight."

Later another news reporter says, "FEMA and the CDC staffers plan to set-up vaccination centers at local schools and will go door to door offering shots."

A person interviewed for the report speaking into the camera shouts, "They are not offering shots if they knock on your door with Police and military commandos who hold you down while they inject God knows what into your body. This is still America. The government can't make me take a shot."

You change the channel and see a broadcast from Al Jazeera reporting on flu deaths and rioting in Egypt, then Somalia, and then Iran.

On FOX News, another talking head says, "The CDC should just let this flu run its course. Sure it will kill a lot of people, but those who are left behind will be stronger. That's not just evolution, it's also biblical."

You call your mother. She sounds tired, but she spends the next 45 minutes rambling about some government conspiracy paranoia and reading Bible verses to you. You try to shake the idea that she sounds a lot like David Koresh. You watched the documentary of the government's take down of the Branch Davidians a couple of weeks ago. Their doomsday prophecies creeped you out. Now you're not so sure they weren't right. You tell your mother you have to go so you can watch the news.

"If anybody survives this, it will be her," you say under your breath.

In the news, non-essential government offices close. National Guard forces fully activate with some reports of Guardsmen failing to report. People panic and authorities lock-down airports and major interstate roads. Everyone everywhere now knows someone who died from the flu in the last 30 days. It's worse in the larger cities. A Federal Agent comes on TV and admits to the news anchor that the government did in fact vacate Washington DC and moved to a remote location in Twenty Nine Palms, California. US military units, the CDC, and FEMA, begin setting up massive work centers in all the nearby sports stadiums and the empty schools. PSAs on TV ask you if you have at least four weeks of water, food, and medication on hand. Another PSA tells you to be on guard if someone dies from the flu.

"Lock them in a separate room and do not go in there no matter what you hear later from that room."

"Holy shit," you say out loud. "You turn off the TV and sit there trying to catch your breath. You wait. Then you decide to turn the TV back on.

A hard violent knock at your front door startles you. You look and see it's a neighbor from down the street who you've seen, but never met before. You crack open your door. You remember her from the gym, a slightly older lady, mid-30s maybe, very easy on the eyes, usually very well put together, but not tonight. She often smiled at you, but still gave off that vibe of _don't you even think about talking to me_.

She says, "We're all out of food. Do you have any food you can spare? I don't have anything I can offer you. It's just me and the kids and we ran out." She looks nervous, tired, frail. The deep darkness around her eyes suggests she knocked on several doors before knocking on yours.

Flyers in your neighborhood say emergency food distribution and rationing will begin in two weeks. You look into the eyes of this lady on your doorstep and you know she won't last two weeks. You invite her in. You tell her your name. You give her a box of ramen noodles, a few cans of beans, a can of creamed corn, and a can of fruit cocktail, a couple of gallons of water. You pack these in a gym bag for her.

"This should hold you until they start food distribution."

"What about toilette tissue, bathroom items? Do you have any?" she asks.

You give her two boxes of Kleenex tissues, a small bottle of dish soap, and a small bottle of hand sanitizer. "That's the best I can do," you lie.

"Thank you. God Bless you Steven," she says.

She kisses your hand. You try to smile. She looks out into the neighborhood and takes a series of deep breaths before sprinting across your front yard towards her home. You close the door. You say a short prayer. You quickly realize how unprepared everyone is, including the government. You hope she doesn't tell anyone you have supplies.

Two days later it starts to happen. You turn on the news and you see the police dealing with rioting mobs. You hear a growing number of reports of police shootings. At first, these incidents are reported as the police overreacting to violence and rioting. The news anchor pauses on one freeze-frame showing a dark figure biting a police officer's leg. Another news video loop shows a woman still coming towards officers after being shot several times in her upper body. She finally falls and stops after being shot in the head. They show her brains being blown out again and again before you turn off the TV.

Your next-door neighbor, Patrick, is a high school teacher. His wife Sally is a nurse for the county health system. She works for the Medical Examiner's Office. You stop by to see them today, 'cause they always seem to know more than most people know. Sally didn't go to work today. She's got the flu—a really bad case. You feel bad for them, but there's nothing really that you can do. Patrick seems very worried. He suggests you and him need to canvass the neighborhood and survey people to see if you can form a group for protection. You agree to walk with him through the neighborhood tomorrow. You head back home.

Screams jolt you awake in the early morning hours. You look out your window. You can hear the family next door, Patrick's family, screaming and crashing around in their house. Through their window, you see Patrick has a long kitchen knife. The two kids are screaming. Patrick and the kids are covered in blood. They run out of the house and bang on your door. You open it. They crash in and demand to use your phone. They look as if they've been bitten by something.

Outside, Sally also covered in blood, lumbers clumsily into the middle of the street where a car hits her. The driver gets out of the car to see if the woman he hit is okay. Sally reaches up, grabs the man, and bites into his ear and neck. He screams.

When the fecal matter impacts the rotating aerial oscillator and you find yourself right in the middle of a full-blown Z-virus outbreak, you need to know what to do. That's why I started writing a detailed series of public service announcements (PSAs) as a guide to help a few of the soft squishy people see what it takes to get hard and prepare for the apocalypse. I've been writing zombie outbreak survival PSAs since 2008.

Keep reading and stay with me through this and other PSAs and I will continue to talk you through and walk you through what you can expect and what you need to do to survive and help your family survive, if you have any interest in your family surviving. If not, hey, I understand.

Just keep in mind that this is a public service. It's not meant to be entertaining. It's not meant to land me a phone call from a Hollywood agent. It's meant to help you get ready. It's meant to help you get it right. Do some homework and take some notes. Google things you don't believe or don't understand. My work here should be the start of your education and understanding about the coming zombie apocalypse, not the end.

{Return to Table of Contents}
**Zombie Outbreak Survival:**

Get it Right or Die

(Part I)

How does a zombie apocalypse start?

First of all those of us in the business of zombie outbreak survival refer to the zombie virus as Z-virus. Do you need to know the long scientific name of the little bug that wants to kill us all and reanimate our corpses and then ultimately dominate all life on this planet? No, you don't. Z-virus is easy to remember and say and spell.

We know the Z-virus is a naturally occurring dormant virus in some number of people. We also know there were synthetic Z-virus strains produced primarily by the Germans as early as World War I and some countries are still working on Z-virus strains today.

The primary way a Z-virus pandemic will happen is likely by way of a natural outbreak where the Z-virus piggy-backs on some other natural pandemic. Let's assume for now the German, Iranian, Russian, and Chinese (and American) scientists have their strains controlled and secured.

Natural disasters have some potential to cause a Z-virus outbreak, although this would be extremely rare. Natural disasters like a tsunami or earthquake thankfully will often cause enough body tissue damage to make a zombie outbreak improbable. However, there are other natural threats such as pandemic outbreaks -- N1H1, Bird Flu, SARS, and Swine Flu -- that can lead to a Z-virus outbreak.

By the way, you want to take a look at the news so you are always on top of anything viral that's going on. At the time of my writing this PSA there were a number of news stories out about the millions of turkey and chicken deaths related to a global  pandemic outbreak of H5N2, an uncontrolled avian flu, not yet threatening to people. The Zika virus and a yellow fever outbreak in Brazil were also big news. If millions of chickens or turkeys can die in just a few months, with all the prevention we apply to our food supplies, you can bet billions of people can die too.

Side Note: Go get your flu shot!

The Z-virus also lies dormant naturally in a number of people and if any of these people die and if any of their bodies and brains remain intact and if any of those bodies are not disposed of, then these carriers of the Z-virus will reanimate within about two to four hours of dying. This is a proven scientific and statistical fact; about 1 in 500 people are carriers. More about statistics and Z-virus carriers later.

The Egyptians were one of the earliest societies to use zombies (mummies) ineffectively to guard tombs. They also ceremoniously removed key vital organs of the deceased to include the brain of the deceased to prevent unwanted reanimations.

There are several documented stories of slave ships arriving in the Americas with an entire ship full of chained zombies and the crew either abandoned the ship or died, their undead bodies rotting away as they stumbled around a listing ship. Documented stories like this are the source of a number of ghost ship tales and pirates of the Caribbean zombie stories. For those of you who are Disney and Johnny Depp fans, I am sure this sounds familiar

There is documented evidence of early civilizations wiped out by Z-virus outbreaks that piggy-backed pandemic outbreaks in the Americas, Africa, India, and Southeast Asia. What really happened to the Mayans, to the great ancient tribal empires of North America, and to several other civilizations? Across multiple continents and in a variety of places along the timeline of human history there are numerous records of civilizations perishing fast, cities abandoned, people fleeing into the wilderness, leaving behind hardly any trace of what could have possibly caused great and vast empires to vanish. We know that viral outbreaks can, will, and already have brought down ancient and not so ancient empires. There are documented viral outbreaks and even documented zombie outbreaks that plagued the Roman Empire.

Because the Z-virus lives in a number of humans naturally, all that's needed to start a zombie outbreak would be: 1) a large number of human deaths, and where 2) the carrier bodies are mostly intact and undamaged and unburied. Despite Hollywood's insistence, buried zombies tend to remain buried; they can't claw their way out of properly buried caskets.

However, there are very old reports of zombie outbreaks in New Orleans caused when people first started burying deceased people in the ground. Today deceased people in New Orleans are buried above ground in stone tombs as an added step to keep zombies from plaguing the city. Look this up.

Keep in mind also that when a body arrives at the morgue, one of the first things the doctor, coroner, medical examiner will do is remove the brain. We'll talk about this more later. Stay with me.

If a global pandemic flu outbreak kills even an insignificant portion of the population (as little as 5% of the total population). Do the math. If 5% of the US died, that would be about 20 million people. This would overwhelm every local human health service system such as coroners, medical examiners, morgues, and other disease control measures. From this, there will be enough intact carrier bodies, deceased, and unburied bodies all just laying around untreated ready for a zombie outbreak. One other note, carriers are not contagious until after they are dead when the Z-virus takes over their dead immune systems. Most carriers live healthy normal lives without ever knowing they are carriers. Most carriers are also immune to catching the Z-virus from being bitten by a zombie. In some cases, zombies will ignore carriers and not attack them, in some rare cases. More about this later when I talk about people who are immune to the Z-virus.

In a typical pandemic outbreak event, the services mentioned above become overwhelmed, delaying body removal and disposal. With all of those unmanaged dead bodies lying around, a small number of intact corpses of carriers will reanimate and begin infecting people with stage 2 Z-virus. Stage 2 Z-virus is the highly contagious form of the dormant Z-virus and will spread person to person usually with a bite or some other exposure to infected body fluids. This easy person to person spreading causes an unstoppable outbreak and is what will create roaming hordes of the walking dead or walking undead if you like.

Z-virus spreads person to person much like a cold virus, except the Z-virus needs more direct contact for transmission, like an STD or like rabies, very much like human rabies. Harvard archaeological theorists believe the Z-virus developed as a naturally occurring limitation to human overpopulation very similar in fact to a number of naturally occurring viruses in other animal species and in humans. At a time when a species begins to show signs of overpopulation, then a random viral outbreak will occur to "thin the herd" leaving a stronger herd with key individuals having increased resistance and for some, immunity to the same viral outbreak. Is a zombie outbreak just humanity's way of making itself better?

Do these facts suggest somehow that we should appreciate what Z-virus offers the human race? I wouldn't go that far. A total collapse of all humanity making those who survive revert back to a pre-stone-age existence is considered a very bad day in my book. I'm very fond of Coke Zero, modern plumbing, motorcycles, and blockbuster movies like James Cameron's _Avatar_ and _Titanic_. I would miss watching old _Star Trek_ episodes, and reading eBooks, so I would very much like for things to not collapse too far too soon.

Z-virus outbreaks have happened throughout human history and will continue and it's only natural that we now have some people in our population today who are resistant to the virus, some who are immune to it, and some who are carriers of it. This is naturally how it works with all viruses.

By the way, there have been very successful experiments with vaccines for the Z-virus at Texas A&M's famous Health Sciences Center and at the zombie outbreak lab at Harvard. Most countries who permit controlled studying of various forms of Z-virus also work to develop vaccines and other countermeasures for outbreaks. We'll talk more about synthetic Z-viruses, their vaccines, and artificially induced immunities maybe later.

Keep in mind how the stages of the Z-virus manifest: If a stage 1 Z-virus carrier dies, he or she will reanimate and become a zombie capable of infecting others with stage 2 Z-virus. Stage 1 Z-virus is harmless. Stage 2 Z-virus is deadly, causes extreme flu-like symptoms, and kills all who have no resistance to it. It's estimated that 95% of those who are exposed to stage 2 or higher Z-virus will die. So if you get bitten by a zombie, you will very likely die and barring any other interference, you will soon become an infectious zombie yourself—the walking undead; although, you will likely never know you became a zombie. Once you are infected, there is no amount of zinc, vitamin C, Tamiflu, or chicken soup that can save you.

You should now appreciate why autopsies performed on almost all deceased persons require removal of the brain and other vital organs very soon in autopsy procedures. Stage 1 Z-virus lies dormant in the brain and once the brain is removed, the virus dies. This is purely done to stop zombie outbreaks, although the medical community will hardly admit to this. There have never been any known cases of reanimation after severing the brain stem and/or removing the brain from a body, even if it is placed back into the brain cavity later.

To get a sense of how deadly Z-virus can be, you have to compare Z-virus's death rate to another virus like anthrax where roughly 30% of those who contract it die. There are multiple types of anthrax virus and some types actually have a higher death rate (70% for inhalation anthrax), but this form is extremely rare, not easily transmitted, and so the number of cases worldwide are extremely small. The difference in Z-virus epidemiology compared to most other known viruses is that Z-virus can remain active incredibly long after the patient has died.

In the US, more than 25,000 people die of the common flu every year and there has never been a single case of one of these people infecting others with the flu after their death and the same goes for anthrax. Take note that 25,000 people die of the flu in the US alone without a pandemic outbreak every year. How many people in the US are killed by terrorist every year? I mention this because in comparison to what we spend on terrorists, what we spend on fighting pandemic outbreaks is insignificant. This is too bad, shameful, and is sure to have some repercussions very soon.

While the people who die from flu and anthrax don't walk around biting people, the Z-virus fights to live and spread. To do this it kills the person and then within about two to four hours, it reanimates key organs and bodily functions to improve its chances of spreading and surviving.

After the Z-virus kills a person, the person's body remains active, but slowly loses its mobility and ability to infect others after about 30 days of isolation. In the right environment, a zombie can remain active and infectious for up to 90 days. The virus makes the corpse bite people in order to spread the virus beyond the original host. Eating people or eating parts of them like the flesh from their face supplies the corpse with a source of nutrients and energy for replication of the virus in the brain and for mobility. Moving and spreading a virus requires energy consumption: biting people and eating flesh. In the lab at Texas A&M, they have a zombie they have kept alive for nearly 20 years just by providing it with the right balance of nutrients.

Now you have a decent understanding of basic Z-virus epidemiology—how the virus works and is transmitted. Keep all of this in mind as we continue this discussion and review of my series of Z-virus outbreak preparedness PSAs.

Pandemic Outbreak Survival Tip: Stay current on your shots and vaccinations. People who regularly get annual flu vaccinations and stay current on their other recommended vaccinations have a higher resistance to Z-virus and most other illnesses than those who don't.

September is National Preparedness Month in the US and is this a coincidence? You may have noticed other preparedness campaigns about this time every year (September – December) promoting flu shots and vaccinations, while FEMA, the Department of Defense, the TSA, and tons of other agencies and social services dust off, practice, and update their outbreak response policies. It seems that everybody is getting ready for something right around the same time every year. What are they getting ready for? Why is this time of year so critical?

No, it's not just election season and it's not just Halloween time either. It's also outbreak season. Federal, state, and local municipalities are making sure that when something pandemic happens, they will be able to provide a defensive containment response and maintain some form of limited government should containment fail.

Go online today and look for outbreak and preparedness information at the CDC and WHO websites. There are too many outbreak stories to list them all here, from SARS to hantavirus to meningitis to West Nile—make sure you review stories from around the world. There's no excuse for you not to know. You can even access the information on your cell phones. So stop looking at kittens playing piano on YouTube and actually pay attention to something that can save your life.

October to February each year is prime time for viral outbreaks. Why? Colder weather pushes people to spend more time indoors and huddled closer together. Kids are back in school. This makes it easier for the flu and for colds and other nasty germs to get around. By the way, you should know that the timing of winter is reversed for the southern hemisphere, so for people in Australia and Chile, outbreaks are more likely to happen between May and August. What happens in the southern hemisphere countries in May and June is a good gauge of what we can expect in the northern hemisphere for our winters.

So what? We have cold and flu outbreaks every year. What's the big deal?

Texas A&M studies of natural outbreak patterns and models showed a Z-virus outbreak (zombies) is most likely to start in the southern hemisphere. Pick up your cell phone, stop the kitten video, and do a web search for African Ebola, Zika, and Bid Flu outbreaks and 1918 Spanish Flu. Z-virus shows the greatest potential for an outbreak when it piggy-backs off another viral outbreak—even greater potential if it piggy-backs off of several crippling outbreaks—notwithstanding synthetic Z-virus outbreaks caused by terrorists or rogue countries (see my previously released PSA on zombie hives originally published in 2015 and updated in Feb 2017 – Van Allen Zombie Hives).

If there is a pandemic outbreak similar to the 1918 Spanish Flu where globally millions of people are sick and dying, you can expect medical and body disposal services to quickly become overwhelmed. Remember, stage 1 Z-virus occurs naturally and lies dormant inside a small number of human hosts until the host dies. Once a number of these people die from a pandemic outbreak of something like Swine Flu or SARS and a number of those bodies go undisposed, this is the potential ground zero for a pandemic Z-virus outbreak (stage 2 Z-virus)...also known as Z-Day, that day when the shit hits the fan.

I feel like I need to repeat a few things just to be sure they soaked in to your brain.

Prevention is the best cure. Get your flu shots (free in a lot of places), wash your hands often, stay the hell away from sick people, and watch out for kids. Kids are the germiest, nastiest, cesspool petri-dishes of viral outbreak potential and almost everyone has them or knows someone who has them. Just watch kids for a short while and see what they do. They don't wash their filthy little hands, they put crazy things in their mouths all the time, and they touch and drool and sneeze and spit on everything. People with young kids will be the first and fastest to fall from any kind of pandemic outbreak. And I have no sympathies for these kid-infested people whatsoever, always looking to show me how cute their kid is—No! Keep that thing away from me!

Containment is the next best cure. The CDC and the WHO track global outbreaks and have emergency response teams to assist with everything from treatments to vaccinations to body disposal. They also have their own zombie eradication squads. Fact: the CDC can authorize a full military response for outbreaks worldwide with only a phone call to the White House. A fully loaded military response to an outbreak isn't landing to help pass out lozenges and Kleenex. In some cases zombie outbreak response teams are given full impunity to stop an outbreak at all costs to include authorized nuclear detonations.

I myself was a Company Commander for US Marine teams responding to an outbreak in western Iran, but because of diplomatic problems, we have to say it was eastern Iraq. I may share more about that later. Things like this never make the news and tend to have a 20-year secrecy classification. Lucky for you all I also have a certain amount of diplomatic immunity, so I'll tell you everything I know. For now, do a Google search for zombie response teams, zombie outbreaks in US history and also look up zombie response Gulf War and zombie response WWII.

The greatest potential for a zombie outbreak is during or just after some other pandemic outbreak. We know this.

Zombies have been fictionalized for Hollywood and Halloween fun, but there is often some truth in all fiction. The truth is that about 2% of the population carries Z-virus 1, a dormant and harmless virus. When any of these Z-virus carriers die, their bodies have to be proactively treated to prevent a stage 2 Z-virus outbreak. An autopsy performed within 24 hours of death where the brain is removed is preventive. Burying dead bodies is preventive. Disposing of dead bodies in any number of other ways such as incineration also works to prevent a Z-virus outbreak.

Zombies are real. However, most of what's seen in movies and video games about zombies is exaggerated—and bad fiction. The truth about zombies probably wouldn't make for good Hollywood fiction. In fiction and in truth there are a wide variety of zombies.

The Egyptian mummy is one type. These zombies are a documented archeological fact. Pharaohs used zombies in their tombs to ward off grave-robbers and because they thought these tomb-zombies would make good servants in the afterlife. Harvard zombie studies show that wrapping and treating a zombie like a mummy preserves the zombie longer, extending its undead lifespan. Egyptians are not the only ancient culture to experiment with zombies. Zombies are well documented in every ancient culture all over the world.

Zombies can also be created chemically. Voodoo witchdoctors and others have used poisons to zombify their victims. These zombies are not infected, cannot spread the virus, and almost never attack or bite people. They are the living dead because the poison causes a severe form of psychosis or mental degradation almost similar to the same psychosis seen in chronic crystal meth and heroin abusers.

These zombies are impervious to pain. They won't feel a gunshot or a stab. They will blindly follow simple instructions. They can walk through fire and show no fear of death or injury. As you might imagine, these mindless zombie voodoo slaves can be quite frightening, especially if you run into one after a very late night of drinking and partying in the French Quarter. Voodoo people use these chemically induced zombies to scare people into paying their debts.

"I made her into a zombie because she didn't pay her debts. If you know what's good for you, you'll pay me back on time."

Zombies that are the slaves of vampires, zombies that crawl out of the grave, and zombies that come from outer space are the Hollywood mythical and fictional types. Although, there is at least one prominent theory that Z-virus first arrived on this planet by way of a meteor. More about this at another time.

Texas A&M's Health Sciences Center currently maintains a zombie study laboratory and combined with the zombie labs at Harvard and at the Walter Reed National Medical Center, forms the vanguard of zombie intelligence developed by the US Department of Health and Human Services for the US Strategic Plan for a Pandemic Z-virus Outbreak, which is labeled the Bioterrorism or Biological Terrorism plan so as not to cause a public panic. You can Google this.

From 1989 to 1991, I served on a US Marine NBC (Nuclear Biological and Chemical) combat team, which was trained to respond to viral outbreaks. We responded to three Z-virus outbreaks in just two years. My first outbreak response mission took me to Panama in late 1989. On my second mission, I deployed in response to an outbreak in Western Iraq in 1990. The third outbreak response I responded to was in Spearfish, South Dakota later when I was a Captain assigned to Fort Hood's ZORT Command.

There are essentially three categories of zombies. The most common is a low level Z-virus zombie. These are the stumbling bumbling tripping over their own feet, easy to kill kind of zombies. These are the ones that will most likely cause a global zombie pandemic outbreak.

Because a number of nations (including the US) secretly experiment with chemical and biological warfare, synthetic Z-virus is still a global threat. Synthetic Z-virus zombies are the second category and are less likely to cause a global zombie outbreak unless combined with some other global pandemic. Germans experimented with these strains of Z-virus zombies during WWII, attempting to create undead soldiers who would fight on, ignoring pain, injuries, and danger. All studies since have shown synthetic zombies, like natural zombies, are not programmable. They don't make good soldiers, but they are great for psychological warfare though. This doesn't stop people from trying to make zombie soldiers.

Thanks to the World Wide Web, you can find out plenty of information about real zombies and what they can and cannot do. Take some time to explore the zombie information that exists out there, or even better, just read all my PSAs. I'll share with you everything you probably need to know.

But wait! I said there were three categories of zombies and I only described two.

The third kind of zombie is an advanced level zombie, commonly referred to as a mutant or abnormal zombie. This third category of zombie is what some circles of scientists also call atypical zombies. If zombies are a level four out of five threat to human existence on this planet, then atypical zombies are a level 20 out of five threat to human existence. I've been trained to deal with regular zombie outbreaks and atypical zombie outbreaks. Outbreaks of atypical zombies scare me, but at least they are extremely rare.

Did you go get a flu shot yet?

{Return to Table of Contents}
**Zombie Outbreak Survival:**

Mutant Zombie Incident Panama

(Part II)

As a zombie apocalypse survival expert, I have committed myself to writing zombie outbreak preparedness PSAs for as long as it takes. Hopefully you are reading this because you know a zombie outbreak can and will happen and several zombie outbreaks are already on record historically. Hopefully you are reading this because you want to be one of the survivors when the shit hits the fan.

This next PSA is a summary from my little green monster notebook when I served as a fireteam leader on a US Marine ZORT mission. I've said it before, I'm not writing this to win a Pulitzer or to win over publishers and fans. I'm writing this so you can get a taste of the apocalypse now and start getting ready before it's too late. So please tolerate a few grammar, elements of style, and syntax problems as you read this. If you see any military terms or acronyms you are not familiar with, just do your own homework and Google them later.

Zero one hundred hours, the crew chief of our C-130 transport gave the signal for the pilots to cut the engines and all lights as the plane flew up and over a low mountain range. Our plane then glided slow, low, and silent for another 10 minutes circling over a pitch-black area of mountains north and west of Panama City. The rear ramp of the C-130 opened. Everything looked black except the red lights lining the exit ramp.

We stood up and shuffled to the door touching the backpack of the Marine in front of us. One by one, we dove out of the aircraft into the darkness of night. The sensation of wind rushing past us, gravity lost, we knew we were seconds from the ground and just minutes from our target below. Our parachutes opened low as planned.

Nearly blind, I descended down into the jungle canopy in silence. Once on the ground, I moved north to checkpoint alpha, a tight river bend to the north and east of our drop zone. There I waited for the rest of the squad. I knelt just inside the line of trees next to the riverbank, leaning against a tall banana tree, looking left and right down the river and across the river in the dark, searching for movement through the night scope of my rifle.

I thought I heard movement to my right and more movement in the dark to my left. I strained my ears to listen for anything unusual. A dark figure knelt beside me under the tall dark tree. I couldn't see his face. We remained silent. I heard raindrops hit the giant banana leaves above me. One minute later, the raindrops turned into a downpour. Everything seemed to be on schedule. I waited a few more minutes until my watch showed zero one-thirty. The dark figure beside me gave me a thumbs up and switched on his radio. I switched on my radio.

"Radio check. This is Golf Two Alpha Two for a Radio Check," the figure next to me in the dark said.

In sequence, all fireteam leaders called in to our squad leader. When it was my turn, I said, "Golf Two Alpha Two, this is Golf Two Two Three for a radio check."

The figure next to me, Staff Sergeant Kaminski spoke into his radio, "Golf Two Two Three, I read you loud and clear."

Then our platoon commander, Lieutenant Mark, spoke into his radio. "Golf Two Alpha Two, this is Gold Two Alpha One for a radio check."

SSgt Ski gave the appropriate reply and then said, "All teams switch to NVGs. Golf Two Two Three take the lead in the river crossing."

I opened my left backpack pocket and then donned the bulky night vision goggles, clicking the power button on the top between the eyepieces. I heard the signature low electrical squeal as my optics filled with a glowing green light. I could now see the river edges. I pointed to a sandy bank on the other side of the river. SSgt Ski shook his head, no and pointed to another sandy spot. I nodded agreement. I pulled a glow stick out of my right cargo pocket, cracked it, and then shook it. It gave off an infrared glow only visible with the NVGs.

I then crawled out to edge of the river and waited. My three Marines joined me there crawling to me. I pointed to the other side of the riverbank and to the sandy spot where Kaminski pointed. Two of my Marines crawled into the river and began swimming to the other side. My 203 gunner, Private Watkins, and I trained our weapons across the river while they swam the 30 meters to the other side. They crawled out of the water onto the bank and then disappeared into the far tree line. After several minutes, they returned and gave the hand and arm signal for all clear, pumping their fist up and down as if signaling a truck to blow its airhorn.

SSgt Kaminski then spoke into his radio, "All clear," and then waived to the rest of the Squad to get across. Lieutenant Mark, tapped me on the shoulder as he crawled passed me and entered the water. My gunner and I turned our weapons behind us now. We waited for the whole squad to get across before crossing ourselves. Swimming across the river behind Watkins, with my nose just above water, I could see two Marines on the sandy bank with their weapons trained behind us. One of them gave us the freeze signal. It was nearly impossible to know why, but I grabbed Watkins and I whispered, "Freeze."

We stopped moving there in the middle of the river bobbing up and down. To my left a large dark shape swam in the water towards us. Watkins clenched in panic. I whispered, "Relax Watkins! Relax that shit!"

A large snake, a 15-foot python or anaconda swam past us down the river taking no notice of us. Watkins did not like snakes. On the other side of the river, the squad shed some gear and stacked backpacks under thick shrubs.

We marked the location on our maps. We then switched into full biological combat suits and masks.

"I'm missing a glove," Watkins said from under his bio-mask. "I'm missing a glove."

"It's right there on the ground," I pointed.

Once we were suited up, the Lieutenant huddled the whole squad together shining a red light on his map. He asked for a head count. Fireteam leaders reported they had all their Marines accounted for, 12 Marines. SSgt Ski accounted for one medical Corpsman, one heavy radio operator, one Panamanian military special forces attaché, two special bio-weapons Marines, one agent attached to us on loan from the CDC, and the Lieutenant with him, twenty of us altogether.

Lieutenant Mark spoke up with a deep voice that cut through the darkness and through his filtered bio-mask, "Alright Marines. It's go time. First squad will cover the mountain roads here and here. Third squad will destroy the facility here from the north. We are the rear guard and nothing better get across this river behind us alive tonight. We own this jungle. We assume anything moving in this jungle that isn't one of us is hostile and contaminated. We are hot with orders to shoot to kill anything in this jungle that's not a US Marine, present company excluded." He nodded to the extra tag-alongs we had with us.

SSgt Kaminski then said, "Everybody got that? Our orders are to bag and tag any contraband that attempts to flee or escape through this jungle. I want 1st fireteam on the left flank here covering the high ground on this low ridge. I want 2nd fireteam covering our other flank here to cut off this airstrip. I want 3rd fireteam to close the noose here in the low ground. The highest priority tonight gentlemen is that nothing gets past us.

If you see a single pop-up signal flare, that's the signal to pull back to the river and make ready for evac. You will have not more than 30 minutes to reach our evac point here back at the river bend, 2 clicks away. If I give a radio signal for failed containment, then all squad members are to launch all pop-up flares into the sky. We have 1st platoon and 3rd platoon circling 15 minutes to the north ready for a full company drop.

If we lose containment, we will fall back to the river and set up a line of fire to prevent anything from crossing the river. The plan is to be out of here, one way or the other by sunup. If you get cutoff from the squad, you will need to stay close to the river and make your way south towards the city. There you should be able to make contact with a unit from the Panamanian invasion forces. Better check your weapons and drain your lizards now because we will be in the kill zone in 20 minutes. Let's move into positions."

"One last thing," the Lieutenant said, "No fear. No doubt. No worries. Let's get this done like they pay us to do. Merry Christmas. Oorah?"

"Oorah!" We all said simultaneously over the drizzling rain and muffled through our bio-masks.

I moved my fireteam into position. I sent Watkins out to mark our left and right gunfire limits. He emptied the liquid out of one of his regular glow sticks and painted an L on one tree and then an R on another tree about 75 meters to the right. He painted an arrow on the other sides of each tree to show the rest of the squad where our kill zone was located. The glowing markings were barely visible from our covered positions. I laid prone to the right of a tree taking aim down the longest track I could see.

SSgt Ski made sure the lieutenant and the others were in covered positions behind us. He placed the two special weapons Marines to my right and then knelt beside me to my left.

I looked up at SSgt Ski. "You think we'll finally see one?"

"We've seen plenty of them before Devil Dog."

"I mean this could be the first time I see one outside the training facility."

"I've seen plenty outside our training facilities and they all look the same. In all honesty there's barely a chance we'll see any action. All the action will be downrange when 3rd squad blows the facility."

Ski stood up and adjusted his bio-suit so he could take a leak. I heard the piss drizzling down and into the catch bag low on his left thigh, inside the suit.

"Let's cut the nervous chit-chat," he grunted. "You'll know what to do."

I tried to focus, to relax, to use the calming techniques they taught us, but mostly I thought about the fact that I was missing Christmas for this shit.

Fort Bragg, NC, it was 1989, three weeks before Christmas. Sergeant Major Temple, a taller, older, African American Marine with faint hints of a beer gut instead of the expected 6-pack, barked out the command to fall-in. Temple was what we called "salty" out of respect and in reference to his gray hair. We also called him "crusty" likewise out of respect and in reference to how easy it was to piss him off.

The Marines of Golf Company 3rd ZORT Battalion, all 100 of them, quickly assembled in lined formations organized by three platoons. I was in 2nd platoon. A newly promoted Corporal assigned as a fireteam leader. With only a nod, I acknowledged that I was in line and my three Marines were also in line to my left. Then my squad leader likewise acknowledged his squad was fully present, followed by our platoon sergeant doing the same. Three platoons fully formed and all Marines present.

We were surprised when Sergeant Major Temple then faced away from the company. Usually during the Monday morning formations, Temple would tell a chilling story about combat he had experienced in his career: Vietnam, Beirut, embassy duty, the Malaysian gangsters that took him hostage in 1979; that's when they cut off two of his fingers to make him talk.

This time Major Whalley marched in from behind the platoon and faced Temple. Whalley was slightly shorter than the Sergeant Major and much younger, green-bean skinny, golden haired, blue-eyed, a Naval Academy graduate, a smart Marine with a degree in Aerospace Engineering. He was the quintessential by-the-book officer, hard to please and even harder to impress. They saluted. Sergeant Major Temple then stepped around to the left side of Major Whalley and faced the platoon. Each platoon commander replaced the platoon sergeants in front of their platoons.

"Marines as of today, we are on Air Alert," Whalley said.

I heard one of my Marines groan in reaction to the news, Private Watkins. Watkins was senior in age, senior in time in the Marine Corps, but junior in rank and maturity. He was what we called a "bull" Private. It means he had gotten busted and demoted a few times. We would often call him Private Major. We called him "salty" and "crusty" because he never seemed to care if his uniforms were clean or pressed, but also because he was 30 years old and he knew more things than the average 19 year old Marine might know. He was older than Major Whalley.

Watkins was sent to ZORT Command mainly because there was nowhere else to send him. They assigned him to my fireteam because we were from the same hometown. Turns out we went to the same high school. It was my job to keep Watkins out of trouble. I was bigger than he was and oddly enough, bullying him and calling bullshit to his face seemed to keep him in check.

Within the first month after he was first assigned to the company, he and I got into a fight in the barracks. In the fight, I took him to the ground hard and I swear I tried to choke the living shit out of him. SSgt Ski broke up the fight. I didn't seem to have any more problems out of Watkins after that, although I did have some explaining to do to Lieutenant Mark and Major Whalley.

Watkins had done something heroic in Beirut that earned him a Navy-Marine Corps Medal of Valor. He told us he stopped a suicide bomber. We never quite trusted his story about the medal. He was the kind of Marine that if he did do something heroic, it might have been by accident. It can be true that the difference between heroism and stupidity is a very thin line. Nevertheless, because of that medal, Marine leaders tolerated his brand of salty crusty bullshit. It was clear Watkins would never get promoted again unless he accidently did something else heroic.

We all knew one of the three companies would be ordered to heightened alert through the holidays. Hard to know why Golf Company got the order. Maybe Whalley or Temple drew the short straw. Maybe Whalley volunteered us, hoping to earn some favor with the Colonel. Maybe Golf Company had the best training records and something hot we didn't know about was coming soon.

Young Marines back then didn't read the news or watch TV news programming unless that programming included a pretty, young, hot, busty, blonde as a popular anchor. For the most part, we watched MTV, ESPN, and ignored pretty much anything else, especially politics, and we always tried to train as hard as we could and do what we were told without question. Air Alert meant Golf Company Marines would not be taking any leave to go home for the holidays while the Marines of Echo Company and Fox Company would.

We immediately began prepping for fast deployment. All over the world there were Marine battalions on Air Alert. There always were battalions ready to launch into a hot spot anywhere in the world on a moment's notice. This is why we thought of ourselves as America's 911 Force. We liked to say, "When the shit hits the fan, call in the Marines."

ZORT commands deal with special kinds of shits and fans. Multiple ZORT companies always remain on high alert all over the US. There are also a number of ZORTs attached to Navy fleets on naval ships patrolling the seas. We were just one of several ZORTs getting the news today that Christmas was cancelled.

We staged our combat gear in hanger 9 at the helicopter airstrip. Marines packed their combat backpacks and kept them next to their beds, all weapons loaded, and ready. Platoon sergeants, squad leaders, and fireteam leaders inspected combat gear and backpacks daily. Air Alert Marines were restricted to the common vicinity of their barracks. We inspected our Marines too, physically and mentally. The call to action might come at any moment. Now was a good time to stop smoking and drinking alcohol, if you could.

Two weeks into our Air Alert, we paid attention to the news now: something going on in Panama. Some dick or dictator in Panama pissed off our President about something. That's about all I understood, more than I really needed to know.

Major Whalley passed out Spanish translation books and we were ordered to adjust our packs for jungle warfare. We repacked, ensuring we had a different type of camouflage uniforms, mosquito nets, bug repellent, and maps to study.

We trained at night and attended classes during the day. One class we attended was a medical briefing by Chief Rice and a Panamanian combat instructor. They needed us to know what Panamanian bugs and snakes and bats were dangerous.

A few days later we lined up for the medical Corpsmen to shoot antibiotics and some other antibiological warfare vaccines into our arms. We took the rest of the day off.

An hour after his shots, one of the Marines in 1st platoon broke out into the shakes and had to be rushed off to the base hospital. The next day, another Marine in 2nd platoon broke out into the hives and was also rushed away to the base hospital. After a series of atropine and antihistamine injections, the 2nd platoon Marine was alright and returned to duty. We never saw the 1st platoon Marine again. We knew that meant he didn't survive the vaccine regimen. We weren't precisely sure what that meant. He could have died, could have become comatose, or they could have needed to amputate his arm or leg or something. We were sure none of us would ever see him again. My own arms itched like hell, a mild reaction to the series of shots, but I just rubbed Benadryl wipes on the injection sites and that made things much better, but not perfect.

Zero eight hundred on December 18, Golf Company flew in helos to Moorhead City, North Carolina and settled on board the USS Iwo Jima as the ship began charging south in haste. Onboard the ship we reviewed more maps and satellite photos showing a group of buildings in the jungle about 30 miles outside Panama City. Our senior medical Corpsman, Chief Rice introduced us to an agent from the Centers for Disease Control. I don't remember his name. They showed us pictures of Z-tech contraband we might expect on this mission, mostly scientists and their lab samples, a few mutilated lab rats, and low level zombie test subjects.

"A standard prevention and containment operation," Chief Rice said.

On December 20, US forces kicked off Operation Just Cause and some dictator or other got his small little country invaded by the US military. We watched fleet naval aviation and Marine landing forces operations launch from our ship.

We joked, "Why are we invading Panama? _Just cause_ we can."

At zero two thirty, on December 25, some illegal Z-tech factory in Panama got its doors blown off the hinges by Golf Company's, 2nd Platoon, 3rd Squad.

I saw the light of the explosions before I felt and then heard the explosions shaking the ground and trees around us. I then heard sporadic gunfire. That had to be a good sign, I thought.

Minutes later, I thought I heard gunfire ahead and to the left near where the road to the facility should be.

"Golf Two Alpha Two? Over," a voice on SSgt Ski's radio whispered.

"This is Golf Two Alpha Two. Over."

"This is Golf Two Alpha Three and we got stray cats and dogs headed your way. Over."

"Roger that," Ski replied.

Ski pushed the second button on his radio. "Golf Two Two, we have incoming. I repeat, we have incoming."

Ski then turned to whisper something to the Lieutenant when the jungle to our left erupted in gunfire. I saw two flares streak low under the trees and bounce across the ground lighting a small area, showing two figures hiding in the tall grass and brush. Watkins then fired an incendiary grenade higher into the trees about 30 meters to his front. The grenade burst into flames when it hit something in the trees. I watched as a man-sized, man-shaped thing fell from the tree covered in flames. It writhed on the ground, rolling in the grasses, screeching until the flames were extinguished. I had a clear shot and fired three bullets at the thing and it stopped screeching.

I heard heavy gunfire to my right near where I estimated the airstrip to be.

"We got this." SSgt Ski yelled and pointed to the right. The two special weapons Marines ran forward. Another skulking figure crawled low to the ground and then jumped into a tree when the two Marines closed in.

"Fire!" One of them yelled from inside his bio-mask. Their guns fired blue-white arcing bolts of electric energy that connected in the air in front of them. They aimed the connected bolts towards the creature in the trees. When the bolts hit the creature it exploded.

"Hell yeah. That's how we do it in Texas," I heard one of them yell.

"To your right!" SSgt ski yelled.

They fired the weapons again, triangulating their connected bolts with another figure slowing walking toward our position. That figure exploded like the first one.

"We're out. We have to wait for our guns to recharge," the first one said as they ran back to our position. "We need about ten minutes."

"No time," Ski yelled. "Allen, move your fireteam to contact and close the noose."

"Echelon right," I stood up and yelled over the gunfire. My Marines stood up and formed a sloping line to my right. SSgt Ski, the special weapons Marines, now with their M-16s, the Lieutenant, and the Panamanian soldier joined our line as we slowly swept forward through the trees. We fired and reloaded and fired and reloaded again, killing about 12 low level zombies in the jungle and another three or four mutant zombies. At each kill, the team dropped incendiary powder on the corpses where they lay. After about 15 minutes, burning corpses were the only enemy activity in the jungle. SSgt Ski radioed in our status. I checked each of my Marines.

"Watkins, where is your bio-mask?" I asked.

"It came off when I ran forward a few meters back. I couldn't find it."

"Your eyes are blood shot and your nose is running. Dammit Watkins, you're contaminated."

"Take care of this now," SSgt Ski said.

"No. I'm fine."

"Hold him down," I said, grabbing for his anti-viral injectors.

Three Marines held Watkins on the ground. "You're not fine, but you'll be fine," I said as I slammed the first injector hard into his left thigh. I then slammed the second injector hard into his right thigh.

"The first injection goes into the right thigh and the second injection goes into the left thigh after one minute," the Lieutenant said.

"Damn. Yes Sir," I said. "Okay, tape his mouth shut." I then used a Sharpie pen to write the time and date on his forehead. I wrote, "12/25/89-0256."

"Get a spare bio-mask on him now," I said.

Once all units had checked in and reported no other casualties, the Lieutenant called in to report the operation was a success. He then ordered the platoon to meet at the evac location for pick up.

The other squads joined us and then we trudged through the jungle not entirely concerned about giving away our location at this point, so we used flashlights, although we remained in full MOPP level 4 in our bio-suits. Watkins started signing some sort of church gospel song. His hands were tied behind his back and I kept a rope tied to his waist, dragging him behind me. We marched in a line towards the river.

In training, I had made a habit of counting my Marines as often as I could. Since we had the only casualty, we were at the end of the platoon line moving through the jungle. As the line snaked through a clearing, I counted one more Marine than I know I had. I could feel the hairs all over my body stand up. There in the moonlight, something followed us.

I dropped the towrope and pulled my weapon around from over my shoulder, but I wasn't fast enough. The person, this man, was big and fast. He, it rushed to me and took me to the ground. The entire platoon turned in an instance and trained their guns and lights on us. The man-thing lifted me up from the ground and held me by the neck, close as a shield from the squad's guns. Standard protocol would have been to shoot through me to take out the threat, but the Lieutenant stepped forward and ordered the platoon to wait. That's when the man-thing spoke.

"My name is Lou Lung Pai. I am Chinese national," he said with a heavy guttural voice and still with a thick Chinese accent. "I do not want hurt to anybody, but I am wanting to go to home."

I struggled to breathe. He was stronger than anyone I knew. He was bigger too, built like a middle linebacker or a defensive end, about 6'5" I guessed. He was holding on to me with one arm, his other arm stretched out with his palm open to the Marines surrounding us, as if to say don't shoot.

The two special weapons Marines came forward. I heard the faint squeal of their main guns charging. In that split second I wondered what it would feel like to explode from a bolt of concentrated lightening. One main ZORT rule: We don't take prisoners. Another main rule: If it ain't human, kill it and kill it fast. I thought this might be it for me.

I hit the mutant zombie in the groin to no effect except he, it gripped my throat tighter and pulled me tighter against its body. I reached for my large combat knife. With a quick jerk, my bio-mask cracked under the pressure of his grip. I could then smell the stench of death and decay, of rotting flesh, and of charred flesh. This was the creature Watkins and I first shot that fell from the tree. I fought back some nausea, but I swear I could feel the contamination creeping past my bio-suit, into my cracked mask, into my throat, into my body.

"I not like the rest," he said. "I fighter like you, soldier like you. I not supposed to be here."

He squeezed me harder and I stopped struggling and I passed out.

I woke up in a bio-containment room in the medical ward onboard the USS Iwo Jima one day later. Two Marines guarded my bedside and one of them notified the staff that I was awake. I had a foul taste in my mouth, a sore throat, a massive headache, and a ravenous thirst. I had been infected. For five more days, I felt like I had the worst flu of my life. I was back in North Carolina after the New Year and still recovering when someone suggested I might want to find a way to erase the Sharpie ink from my forehead. It read, "12/25/89-0330."

I found out that Watkins died before I woke up. Antibiotics and anti-virals did not work on him. He turned and was then secured and delivered to Texas A&M's health sciences lab where the world's best virologists study Z-Virus outbreaks. The Marine Corps officially claimed Watkins died in combat actions and a body, although not his, was buried with a hero's honors in our hometown.

The platoon took the mutant zombie soldier into custody and then also delivered it as-is to Texas A&M's health sciences lab. I found out later that this mutant was the product of secret Chinese Z-virus testing to create mutant zombie super soldiers. In our training at Fort Bragg, we learned that such research had been done plenty of times before, recently by the Germans during WWII. However, none of our classes mentioned any successful mutant zombie super soldiers that could talk and think and negotiate for their surrender. The one we encountered in Panama almost passed for human.

"The creature is a magnificent specimen, a research breakthrough! Allen's blood tests will be important," I heard the CDC operative say as he observed the Iwo Jima's medical staff draw my blood for tests.

Those tests showed that I was now certified immune to the Z-virus, but there were also some new properties to my blood. Several weeks later, I returned to my squad, fit for full duty by the end of January. I had lost about 20 pounds, but with another three weeks of therapy and rehab, I had gained it all back and was ready for more training and quickly ready for the next operation.

The Marines nicknamed me zero three thirty because of the time written on my forehead for almost a week. For a while that nickname stuck with me until I got promoted later that year and they had to call me Sergeant. My promotion came with an upgraded position just in time for me to serve as a squad leader on another ZORT containment operation.

We were called into action to stop an outbreak after allied airstrikes destroyed one of Saddam Hussein's zombie research facilities in far north Iraq in December 1990 during operation Desert Shield, during the start of the first Gulf War with Iraq. Reports confirmed that missiles destroyed the entire facility, but two days later, it was obvious that something from the facility survived the airstrikes when people in the nearby town called for an emergency response to a zombie outbreak. Christmas was cancelled again.

I will share more about that zombie outbreak response in later subsequent PSAs.

{Return to Table of Contents}
**Zombie Outbreak Survival:**

Real Zombies, Fact vs. Fiction

(Part III)

Zombies crave brains. If you look like, sound like, smell like, and walk like a zombie, zombies will not know the difference. Zombies can be cured. Zombies live forever. If you get bit on your hand, you should chop off that hand immediately. Zombies won't enter a church. Fire is a great way to kill zombies. If you pour a line of salt on the ground, zombies will not cross that line. Zombies do not retain any of the memories from before they became zombies. Getting bitten is the only way to get infected and then become a zombie. Zombies don't like sunshine. Black people are immune to the Z-virus. Zombies are not real.

This is just a sample of odd ideas people have about zombies based on what they get from popular fiction. Not one of these is true. Because there is a significant difference between Hollywood zombies and real zombies, I'll take some time to describe real zombies to broaden your understanding and to help you know what to expect in a real zombie outbreak.

First of all, zombies are real. Z-virus is a real and natural virus capable of causing a global pandemic zombie outbreak. By the way, Z-virus isn't the technical scientific name of the virus that causes zombies, but most of us in the zombie response business just go with Z-virus to avoid confusion.

Local zombie outbreaks have been recorded throughout history. The Aztecs, the Apache Nation, Spanish settlers in the Caribbean, Mongolian clans, and more recorded localized zombie incidents. To read about a documented Z-virus outbreak recorded in ancient Egypt, do a Google search for zombie attack at Hierakonpolis.

Texas A&M and Harvard have labs funded by the CDC and WHO commissioned to study Z-virus outbreaks and to work to enhance US survivability in a global pandemic zombie outbreak. There are a number of private organizations and rouge nations sponsoring labs that test and research Z-virus for a variety of reasons such as production of vaccines and treatments and developing preventive strategies.

Do a Google search for Harvard zombie studies, Texas A&M zombie studies, World Health Organization (WHO) - pandemic response protocols, and for Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) - zombie protocols.

Zombie outbreaks don't have much chance of becoming pandemic unless they piggy-back another pandemic virus outbreak. The primary zombie outbreak threat comes from the potential that human Z-virus carriers will die in large enough numbers, go untreated in death, and then reanimate as the walking undead. Global zombie pandemonium is imminent once the walking undead are roaming the streets biting and infecting people who survived the initial pandemic outbreak. Typical zombies are stage 1 Z-virus carriers and those they infect become stage 2 Z-virus carriers. As described previously, stage 3 Z-virus outbreaks involve atypical (also known as mutant) zombies.

You need to know what zombies can and cannot do so you can avoid being stupid, because life is tough in a zombie outbreak, but it's tougher if you're stupid. Most of what the general population expects in a zombie outbreak is based on what they've seen on TV or in movies. Hollywood zombies are a good frame of reference, but you need to know more if you want to improve your chances of survival.

What follows below is a listing of what I know about zombies based on field research and lab research from Texas A&M and Harvard. I offer this listing so you can use it to strategize your survival efforts and plans.

Zombies are dead, reanimated corpses. They are not supernatural. They cannot be controlled by witches or magical things like an amulet or a curse or warded off with religious things like crosses and holy water. If someone becomes a Z-virus zombie they are gone and they are never coming back.

Regular zombies do not possess superhuman strength and abilities. What strength they have deteriorates over time. Zombies do possess all five senses, but these senses also deteriorate over time. Zombies sense pheromones, and can taste and smell death, so you cannot play dead or dress up like a zombie and fool a zombie. You give off all sorts of clues that you are alive and uninfected. The zombie brain is rewired once it turns to sense these things. This is how a zombie with no eyes can still sense where you are and how they can all chase and crawl after you in the dark. Zombies cannot see through walls, but they have a certain degree of EMF and bioelectrical detection like sharks, so they can sense if you are on the other side of a wall. If you hide in a closet, a basic level and fresh, undamaged zombie will always know you are in the closet. If one zombie is on your tail, it won't be long before more are on your tail. They have a sense that helps them know what other zombies know like a swarm of bees, sharks, and mosquitoes. I'm not making this up. Watch zombies in action and ask yourself how they can do what they do. There's more to zombie science and psychology than you might think.

Zombies rarely bite other zombies and when they do, it's usually randomly and accidentally. Zombies will randomly bite almost anything that moves. Their drive to bite is very strong. Atypical mutant zombies may possess greater strength, but it would be far from superhuman strength. Atypical zombies can also do some amazing things like swim, operate guns, and talk. More about them later.

If you remove a zombie's head, that zombie's body will stop moving; however, the detached head can still bite and thereby infect for some time after it is detached until the brain is destroyed. A zombie cannot pick up its head and reattach it. Destroying a significant amount of the brain is what kills zombies. Zombies cannot remotely operate their bodies after you detach the head.

Zombies have some residual intellect and memories of the deceased person, so you should expect to see nurse zombies hanging around the hospital where they worked, military zombies hanging around a military facility, and baseball player zombies hanging around the baseball field and possibly carrying a baseball bat, but incapable of using it as a weapon or tool.

Zombie residual intellect gives zombies different attributes. A physically talented person will become a zombie that seems to move better than other zombies. A dancing person can be expected to become a zombie that is light on its feet and a little better at moving with balance. While smarter people will become smarter zombies initially, residual mental characteristics and physical talents fade away in time in typical zombies.

Most zombies can be thwarted by obstacles such as deep holes, booby-traps, pits, landmines, fences, walls, and pull-to-open doors. Typical zombies are about as intelligent as toddlers. They stumble around, bump into things, and fall a lot. They can walk and crawl and bite and grab and scratch and claw and that's really about it. Basic zombies cannot open locked doors. Again, pull-to-open doors will thwart basic level zombies. They will push and lean on the door and never step back and pull the door open.

Basic zombies cannot operate even simple machines. These zombies do not climb stairs very well and often crash through thin doors and walls, but hardened structures are usually safe from such zombies. Zombies cannot operate radios or other electronic appliances. Zombies cannot turn on a light switch.

All things being equal, fresh (newly animated zombies) are faster and deadlier than old zombies. Zombies that were previously younger people are faster than zombies that were older people. Not-so-fresh zombies are slower and their bodies quickly wear out and deteriorate. If you yank really hard on a not-so-fresh zombie's arm, you will rip it right off; if you twist their head, the neck will snap and the head will pop right off too. Because they have less fluid in their reanimated bodies, not-so-fresh zombies are not as infectious as fresh zombies. Fat zombies tend to last longer than skinny zombies.

Good news for Murica. Overweight and routinely sedentary people mean most zombies should be expected to be slow movers, easy to evade and defeat, and unfortunately, these fat zombies will be around a little longer.

Zombies don't live forever. Zombies in a cool climate deteriorate slower than zombies in a hot climate. Zombies in a very cold climate move much slower than zombies in a warm climate. A frozen zombie will not reanimate if you thaw it out; freezing it will destroy the brain. Zombies do not need oxygen because their lungs do not function, but a lack of oxygen will deplete the life of the zombie faster.

If someone dies because of something other than the Z-virus, such as a car accident, exposure to Z-virus post mortem will not reanimate them; it will only reanimate someone infected before they die. Z-virus is kind of like rabies; it takes root in the nervous system, primarily the brain. Z-virus cannot be passed to and from insects and animals (even pigs which are a lot more like people than some are willing to admit), except it can be passed to the larger, higher primates and an Iranian study showed some potential for it to be passed to whales.

A gunshot to the cranium will often stop a zombie. Zombies do not feel pain. Once a person dies and reanimates, there is nothing left of the original person except some residual brain activity. A typical zombie will not avoid fire or damage. It will chase pray right over a cliff or into a booby-trap. There is no cure for zombie.

Zombies do not talk. Zombies cannot speak, read, or write. Zombies do not yell "Brains!" before they attack. Zombies are known to moan and groan and shriek when excited (meaning stimulated to attack and bite things). Zombies do not get mad.

It was previously thought that zombies do not communicate with each other and that zombies are not psychically linked. However, newer studies on zombie psychology suggest a pheromonal communication system in zombies that works much like the pheromonal communication system works for ants and bees. Zombies can use a heightened sense of pheromonal detection as a communication system that allows hordes of zombies to coordinate their actions and movements much like a swarm.

Usually, zombies cannot be trained or controlled by people. There is a rare phenomenon where in the rarest cases a person can control zombies to the extent that the zombies leave them alone and in even more rare cases, the zombies follow the person, but never attack the person. These people typically are immune, but infected carriers and it's thought that the zombies see these people as one of their own.

People cannot talk a zombie out of its overriding basic primary drive to bite and infect. Zombies do not act in a purely chaotic, swarm, or random pattern; they are driven to move based on specific and predictable stimulations and drives to spread the Z-virus. Zombies do not avoid water or fire. They can easily become trapped in holes, cages, rooms, closets, bathrooms, and cars.

Imagine, a zombie chases you into a bathroom. You push the bathroom door to get in and then turn around quick and exit after the zombie enters. It's very likely this zombie will be trapped in the bathroom. It is not capable of processing that it needs to pull the bathroom door to get out. It simply will push and bang against that bathroom door until some idiot comes along to check and see what all the banging on the bathroom door is about.

Typical zombies are clumsy. They cannot climb ladders or ropes or fences or scale walls. These zombies cannot drive cars or other vehicles and usually cannot open unlocked car doors from the inside or the outside. Zombies cannot swim. Zombies do not drown; they often float until they come in contact with something to attack or otherwise make their way out of the water. Zombies deteriorate quicker in water and also in humid environments.

Most "fresh" Zombies can run, but they fall a lot when they do. You can outrun most zombies one on one if you are in good to excellent shape. By the way, how many of you are in excellent shape? Test yourself. Go over to the local football field and take off sprinting from one goal post to the other, better yet, have one or more of your friends chase you. If you can survive just this one mad dash, I would be surprised, you squishy thing you. Most of you will die within the first 100 yards. Now get off your ass and seek to improve before it's too late.

If you are chased by a horde of zombies, tripping up the front runners will usually make the rest trip over them. Zombies are not very good at dodging things in their way. Zombies do not lie in wait and then quietly sneak up on you. Zombies will never hide behind something to surprise you or hide under your bed in waiting.

Typical zombies never run away from anything. Zombies will chase after moving things that are inanimate such as remote controlled cars and bouncing balls; however, they will give up this chase if they become aware that something more obviously living is available to chase and bite. Remember their pheromonal and EMF bioelectrical detection systems can help a zombie identify the uninfected life that they should attack. Zombies can be distracted by noise and other moving things such as fire, but zombies know not to bite fire or remote controlled drones.

Zombies chewing on a dead body will always leave that dead body to chase after a live body. This is why they often bite one target and then quickly move on to keep attacking and biting other targets. You may see plenty of people eaten alive by zombies in movies and on TV, but this is exaggerated. Zombies bite mostly to infect, not to kill. Once the victim is dead and infected, a zombie will move on to look for someone else to bite and infect.

It won't be unusual to see animals with bite wounds. This happens mainly because zombies still have a central behavior program that says bite things, especially warm-blooded things. You wouldn't expect a zombie to chase after an alligator. Zombies can sense the difference between a person and a non-person.

Zombies are easily fooled by lights and noise, temporarily. Explosions and gunfire attract zombies. Almost any unnatural noise attracts zombies. Zombies will not normally be attracted to a waterfall or howling winds or rustling leaves. However, one test at Texas A&M proved that during a heavy blizzard, rainstorm, or thunderstorm, zombie senses are much less effective in detecting living uninfected people to attack.

Zombies don't learn and develop skills. Zombies never sidestep booby-traps or duck, dodge, and bob and weave to avoid a swinging blow. They don't ever just sit there and let you calmly attack them—they move very aggressively when fresh. Fire can kill/stop a zombie, but fire is slow because it has to cook the brain to be effective; the last thing you want is a burning zombie stumbling around setting things on fire and attracting other zombies. Electricity is great for killing zombies. A quick, hard jolt to the brain will always do the trick.

Zombies cannot use tools or weapons. You can expect to see a soldier turned zombie still carrying a rifle, but you will almost never see that low level zombie fire the rifle. You may see a zombie carrying a stick or a gun or a bat or pushing a baby stroller or even carrying a skateboard or a sword or axe, but these same zombies will likely drop the item as soon as they see something to bite and also will very likely never pick it up again.

It's unlikely you will become infected with Z-virus if you are merely scratched by a zombie. Zombies are filthy walking rotting corpses, so you would probably get infected with something other than Z-virus if a zombie scratches you. If a zombie infects you and you die, you will reanimate within about two to four hours unless you have some pre-existing immunities to Z-virus. There is no cure; there is only a preventive vaccine, which will be of little use during a full-blown zombie outbreak. If you are not infected, and you die, you will not reanimate. If you are a carrier and you die, you will reanimate. If you are immune and you die, you will not reanimate. If you are an immune carrier and you die, you will reanimate.

There are four kinds of people in a zombie outbreak or apocalypse. Imagine the potential for getting bitten by a zombie or being killed, shot in the back by some apocalyptic survival asshole.

**Immune** – can get bit and will not turn – die and will not turn

**Immune Carriers** – can get bit and will not turn – die and will turn

**Non-Immune** – can get bit and will turn – die and will not turn

**Non-Immune Carriers** – can get bit and will turn – die and will turn

If a zombie bites you, you will become gravely ill. You might survive because you have some immunities. You might survive a zombie bite because you got lucky and not enough infectious contaminated body fluids were transferred to you. If you are bitten and then become gravely ill, there is an almost definite strong chance that you will die soon and if you die, you will reanimate and become a zombie.

A zombie can bite you and you will die from the viral infection and later reanimate.

A zombie can bite you and nothing happens because you have full immunity. Even if you die later you will never become a zombie. The antibodies in your blood could be used to make a vaccine.

Just keep in mind that the standard Z-virus vaccine is a series of shots administered over a two-month period. You might get infected by Z-virus if you are exposed to infected body fluids, but only if the fluids are extremely fresh. Z-virus cannot be contracted through the skin, but it can be contracted through an open wound, the eyes, the mouth, or other internal access points. So, zombie apocalypse survivalists need to have a sense that they need to protect against blood splatters when dispatching zombies. Z-virus dies fast outside the human body.

In a prolonged pandemic zombie outbreak, you may eventually see unusual zombies or zombies behaving oddly. Make sure you put these zombies high on the shoot that fucker immediately priority list. Unusual zombie behavior includes, but is not limited to: swinging a weapon, climbing things, throwing things, ignoring things that move, you know how cats ignore things, ignoring noise-makers, strategically deciding what to attack, avoiding a trap, standing put while other zombies run off to chase something, displaying emotions, running away from something, talking, and zombies showing patterned behavior such as almost predicting when or where you'll be.

While these are unusual zombie behaviors, these are still just stage 3 zombie behaviors and not stage 4, 5, and 6 atypicals.

Some zombies show other peculiar behaviors. In a Harvard study, people who were musicians and dancers showed potential to become zombies who danced. They certainly moved differently than regular zombies. So in some rare occasions zombies can be distracted by good music and in very rare cases they can form into a dancing horde very much like the zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity in Michael Jackson's _Thriller_ video. Here I know I may have lost a few of you, but this is actually true. There are lab studies on zombies and music. In some cases music can seem to hurt zombies. Playing loud gospel music seems to be painful to most zombies. They cover their ears and stumble around as if annoyed.

While you might see ballet, Zumba, and hip-hop zombies, moving rhythmically, the primary zombie music is hard rock and roll. KISS and other hair band 80's music seems popular to zombies. Dancing zombies are not funny or cute. They are just as deadly as any other zombies. Otherwise, zombies cannot be trained to do anything.

Zombies do not make good pets. They do not make good scouts, lookouts, or guards. When you see someone in a zombie outbreak keeping a zombie chained up for sport or for fun or for cheap labor or anything else (love?), or if you run into someone who likes to poke at zombies or feed them or toy with them, standard accepted zombie outbreak survival protocols allow you to assume these sorts of people are stupid and thus shoot them on the spot along with the zombies. If they are too stupid to know better, then they are too stupid to be of any use to anyone during or a zombie apocalypse.

In some survival guides produced by the government prior to the 80s there was some discussion of using zombies to generate power in a post-apocalyptic world. In theory, you could easily get a zombie horde moving and with easy to design equipment generate electricity from the kinetic movement. You could also strap zombies to wheels or turbine cranks and use them to generate electricity and pump water. I suggest you let the feds handle these kinds of zombie reintegration and back to work projects.

One last thing. Zombies are infectious vectors. They can infect you by a number of different ways. First of all they can bite. This is the basic way that rabies is spread. They can infect you by scratching you, but this is rare. Another primary way of infecting you is through contact with infected zombie body fluids. You will see lots of this infected zombie goop and goo as soon as you need to get up close and personal to dispatch a zombie.

Imagine a zombie grabbing you in the dark and you club it in the head with a baseball bat. Zombie goop and goo will splatter on you and on the people near you. If it gets in your mouth or your eyes or if any of that goop and goo gets into your broken skin, you just may become infected that way. If you climb through a broken window and the broken glass cuts your hand or shin, that becomes a potential point of infection later. You need to protect it and keep zombie goop and goo away from your cuts and scrapes.

There are two classic documented cases of a band of Caribbean pirates and another band of Roman soldiers laying siege to a city by putting zombies (early Z-tech) into the city water supply. Maybe the idea was that they could save their own lives and resources by letting Z-virus do all the dirty work for them. After the city starts fighting off an internal zombie outbreak from the water supply, how hard will it be to invade the city and take it over? Not a bad tactic if you can control it.

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**Zombie Outbreak Survival:**

Prevention is the Best Cure

(Part IV)

I have said it all before, prevention is the best cure. Get your flu shots (free in a lot of places), wash your hands often, stay the hell away from sick people, and watch out for kids. Kids are the germiest, nastiest, cesspool petri-dishes of viral outbreak potential and almost everyone has them or knows someone who has them.

Just watch kids for a short while and see what they do. They don't wash their filthy little hands, they put crazy things in their mouths all the time, and they touch and drool and sneeze and spit on everything.

People with kids will be the first and fastest to fall from any kind of pandemic outbreak. And I have no sympathies for these kid-infested people whatsoever, always looking to show me how cute their kid is—No! Keep that thing away from me!

Containment is the next best cure. The CDC and the WHO track global outbreaks and have emergency response teams to assist with everything from treatments to vaccinations to body disposal. They also have their own zombie eradication squads.

Fact: the CDC can authorize a full military response for outbreaks worldwide with only a phone call to the White House. A fully loaded military response to an outbreak isn't landing to help pass out lozenges and Kleenex. In some cases zombie outbreak response teams are given full impunity to stop an outbreak at all costs to include authorized nuclear detonations.

The first key to your survival is information. That's my mission. This lengthy series of zombie outbreak PSAs is meant to provide you with tons of zombie info. Please share it and use it when you have to. I will admit my intentions are selfish. I believe that my survival chances in a zombie outbreak improve exponentially if more people are informed. During a zombie pandemonium, you don't ever want to be the smartest guy in the room. If you are the smartest person in the room, then you need to change rooms.

You need to make sure you are very familiar with "typical" zombie behavior. Also, read Sun Tzu's _The Art of War_ and his rules for surviving and winning wars. This is a must read for any survivalist. The book is about war and combat, but it has great principles for surviving and living in a post-apocalyptic pandemic zombie outbreak. You must know the enemy to defeat the enemy.

The enemy we have to combat before a global pandemic zombie outbreak is a global pandemic viral outbreak like the pandemic Spanish Flu outbreak of 1918 (Harvard: Spanish Flu 1918). Just keep in mind that it's been nearly 100 years since the world faced an extinction level viral outbreak. We survived, but we are now more than 50 years overdue. You might say we've been alright so far, so why worry about it. You might say that, but I won't. Time makes people overconfident, sloppy, and less resilient. The enemy we all face right now is complacency. We will definitely face a deadly global pandemic viral outbreak in our lifetime, in the next 50 years.

The enemy we can expect to face during a pandemic viral outbreak when the bodies start to stack up and social health services become overwhelmed and government resources are stretched to their limits is a piggy-backing pandemic zombie outbreak. The enemy during a pandemic zombie outbreak is zombies and other people too. People, the survivors in a zombie apocalypse will quickly become a threat of epic proportions, which I'll cover in more detail in all of my PSAs. Just remember that zombies don't shoot you in the back and steal your shit. Assholes shoot you in the back and steal your shit. God made an awful lot of assholes and they always seem to have the most phenomenal immunities to the shittiest situations. When the shit hits the fan, you need to be ready to deal with zombies and apocalyptic survival assholes.

There is another enemy we have to diligently search for and combat in any pandemic zombie outbreak, the onset of advanced stage zombies, which I'm labeling as "atypical" zombies. Any zombie outbreak should be thought of as the first wave of a major zombie invasion, an invasion that threatens all life on this planet. Whenever there is a zombie outbreak, we are at war. We may all need to eventually enlist and fight in this war to prevent a complete Z-virus meltdown, a complete Z-virus takeover of the entire world.

Stage 2 zombies are the first wave in a Z-virus invasion and stage 3 zombies are the 2nd wave. In subsequent zombie waves, normal life becomes more and more compromised and could potentially become completely corrupted as mutated and evolved Z-virus begins to rewrite the basic DNA code of all life on this planet. Z-Virus potentially can compromise all life even down to microorganisms like fungi and other viruses. You see, the Z-virus is at war with the entire world. It wants to be the only life on this planet and it will be if we are not all extremely careful.

Government protocols establish response criteria during pandemic viral outbreaks. Response protocols include everything from mass vaccinations to area quarantines to evacuations, to military actions for detection, containment, and eradication, to nuclear weapons. To anyone who doubts there would ever be a government approved nuclear protocol for outbreaks, just do the math on your calculator. Would your government ever support the deaths of 150,000 people in Miercurea-Ciuc, Romania to prevent the deaths of three to four billion people worldwide? Yes. My government would, thankfully.

Some purists believe Z-virus is a natural biological entity, which only works to limit overpopulation. Other theorists and scientists believe Z-virus is a rogue lifeform that wants to dominate any and all life it can contaminate. There are actually some fringe groups who want to promote the continued evolution of life on this planet and they think Z-virus is a natural way to do that. There are actually a number of cults who seek to spread Z-virus and hasten the world-altering changes that come with a Z-virus world. There are some terrorist groups who want to hasten the apocalypse as foretold in a number of religious references. Imagine all life encoded with active mutated and evolved Z-virus controlled by a single central hive network. What would a world like that look like? Some sickos have described this is the ultimate harmony of nature. Keep reading and I will explain more.

In 1990, we caught a taste of a large scale zombie outbreak when we intervened in the Iranian (western Iraq) mountain town of Darbandikhan. Darbandikhan, a small Iraq/Iran border town, had an illegal Iranian/Iraqi Saddam Hussein sponsored chemical and biological weapons manufacturing facility located there. In all honesty, I must describe what I know.

Sixth Fleet (Navy) intelligence listed the Z-virus facility in Darbandikhan as a primary target for destruction, a preemptive tactical strike prior to invasion forces landing in Kuwait. Why? Well, you'll have to ask former President George Bush about the specifics before he dies or maybe ask Vice President Dan Quayle if he is still around. I don't know, I was merely a newly promoted Sergeant in the Marines at the time, but I suspect if we are committing invasion forces to a combat theater that has Z-virus facilities, we would want to take out those facilities as a key and critical part of our invasion operation order.

As a new Sergeant in 1990, I personally didn't dig in too deep into our orders and directions. Some high-ranking officer says I want a team in Darbandikhan on the ground and all I really needed at the time to be okay was to look at the intelligence reports. I understood the big picture; a preemptive airstrike should have destroyed the facility, but instead it created an outbreak and we needed to subsequently prevent a larger outbreak and any chances of the further proliferation of illegal Z-tech. A simple containment mission.

Marine small unit leaders kept operational notes in personal journals or logbooks also called a green monster. I have no idea why we called our little pocket notebooks that other than the fact that it was a green hard-covered book of lined notepaper. If one of my brother fireteam leaders or a squad leader ever fell from enemy fire, I would be obligated to at least get his green monster. We all always kept our green monsters in the left cargo pocket of our camouflaged pants so it was always automatic to know where it was. This single piece of operational intelligence was incredibly important to secure from a fallen Marine.

Unpublished in any news articles related to the first Gulf War, we responded to a minor zombie outbreak in Darbandikhan. This zombie outbreak happened after US forces acting in part on orders from allied commanders bombed the illegal facility. Intelligence reports stated the facility produced Z-tech. After we bombed the facility, civilian medical staff in the area reported the outbreak. Intelligence reports notified us of the "hot" area compromised with limited chances of spreading, but since we had a "hot" team already waiting on board the USS New Orleans just a few hours away, my US Marine NBC (Nuclear Biological Chemical) response team got the call to go in and contain and report on the outbreak.

We landed "hot" outside the town with orders to ensure the destruction of the Z-tech weapons manufacturing facility, eliminate any threats, and safeguard any survivors. We arrived and found a Level IV zombie outbreak, which we were trained to contain with expert precision. A Level IV zombie outbreak is a late stage outbreak where several months have passed and previous containment efforts have failed. At Level IV, the CDC calls in military response units, often with orders to terminate all occupants in order to prevent the outbreak from spreading and to prevent Z-virus from further developing into a bigger threat. A level four outbreak this soon (days) after a targeted strike also meant the facility manufactured high level illegal mutant Z-tech.

I positioned my squad just outside the town to patrol the outskirts near a main highway looking for escapees, fugitives, and infected contacts. Since containment was our primary order, we were pressured to shoot first and ask questions later. Upon contact with anyone during our patrols, we recited a colloquial phrase in three languages and if the person could not respond appropriately, we pulled the trigger. The NBC response team had a saying, "When in doubt, shoot it out." While on the team, I also heard, "When in doubt, nuke it."

You should notice that for Level IV outbreaks we were no longer focused primarily on rescue, we were primarily focused on containment. A Level IV team isn't activated to rescue people; it's activated to eliminate a threat to the rest of the world. Anything up to and including a nuclear detonation may be warranted for Level IV containment. As a team, we were trained to assess targets and then to put them down for good. Level IV is where less aggressive efforts have been deemed inadequate for dealing with the threat potential.

Our outbreak response was about eight to nine days after the initial outbreak was reported in that town. By the way, we completely demolished Darbandikhan after our containment and after CDC scientists, including scientists from Texas A&M and Harvard, collected everything they needed from the site. There is a new Darbandikhan located just east of where the old Darbandikhan was. The old Darbandikhan was located on the Iranian side of the border and new Darbandikhan is on the Iraqi side of the border today. The two countries dispute the border in the area and which country rightfully claims the growing and thriving city today.

During the outbreak, we observed and reported typical and atypical zombie behavior. The people in the town became typical zombies after experiments from the facility escaped the bombing and attacked the town. In any prolonged pandemic zombie outbreak, you will eventually see unusual zombies or zombies behaving oddly. In this incident we had atypical zombies, mutants much sooner because the facility experimented on mutant Z-tech. In an outbreak situation you have to be sure to target these zombies and terminate them as the highest priority.

Scientists today now know that in the first stages of a Z-virus outbreak, the virus works to spread and thin the human population. It commandeers a corpse and the corpse starts biting to spread the virus. As the Z-virus spreads from person to person, infecting more and more people, it, like all viruses, begins to mutate and evolve. Z-virus mutates rather quickly. Viruses mutate when spreading is threatened.

In Darbandikhan viral spreading was threatened merely by the size and remoteness of the town. To continue spreading, the Z-virus needed to escape Darbandikhan. To escape a place like this, the Z-virus needed to quickly become more mobile and become a better protector of itself.

Stage 2 zombies eventually infect people who become stage 3 zombies. Stage 2 zombies tend to stumble and bump around biting whatever they happen to find. Stage 3 zombies are much different; they work to carry the active virus further away from the initial outbreak point.

Unusual zombie behavior includes, but is not limited to: swinging a weapon, climbing things, throwing things, ignoring things that move, ignoring noise-makers, strategically deciding what to attack, avoiding a trap, standing put while other zombies run off to chase something, hiding in wait, displaying emotions, running away from something, and zombies showing patterned behavior such as almost predicting when or where you'll be.

In rare cases if a zombie picks up a tool it will be a tool that the person was familiar with and in most cases the zombie will not properly use the tool. So, it is common to see a zombie carrying a knife or bat, even a gun, and never use it once. The zombie holds on to the item because some part of their residual brain identified the item. While these are unusual zombie behaviors, they are still stage 2 zombie behaviors and not stage 3 atypicals. Stage 3 zombies are zombies who show higher mental processing.

The stage 3 atypicals found in Darbandikhan exhibited extreme and rare zombie behaviors. Just as Texas A&M studies predicted, about 1/1k zombies will show traits such as the ability to speak a word or two - run - climb - open and close doors...things like that. Another 1/1k will show these traits: ducking a blow - hiding - playing dead - getting in and out of a car - simple decision making - throwing an object - stacking something on something to reach something else - fighting back - killing another zombie that is in its way – hiding in wait.

In Darbandikhan, the Texas A&M scientists attached to our platoon documented an extremely rare case of a zombie that could control other zombies. This zombie would go around barriers and call out for other zombies to follow it and they would. It would call out for zombies to lie down so it could step on them to climb over a high wall. It seemed not to be motivated by hunger or motivated to bite people to spread the virus, but rather instead it was motivated to kill, escape, and stay alive as long as possible. It displayed an ability to decide which target to attack, often choosing the best target among many targets that would ensure its prolonged survival. Typical zombies walk right into booby traps laid out in the open, but not special atypical zombies.

In other rare Darbandikhan cases, our field scientists found a zombie that could heal itself, one that could fire a gun, and another zombie that actually pretended not to be a zombie. Each of these was resistant to damage and decay and seemed only to die if the brain was destroyed or the head was completely severed from the body. Scientists believe these stage 3 and stage 4 zombies would have continued infecting and allowing the Z-virus to continue to mutate. This would eventually allow for a fully functioning zombie with nearly all of its host's mental capabilities. These zombies decide who to infect and who to kill when they attack. The advancement of zombies like these leads to more stage 4 and stage 5 zombies, which begin to form into a zombie hive. Stage 5 zombies are created inside a zombie hive and do not need human hosts.

You can expect advancing stages of zombies later in any zombie outbreak. The mutating Z-virus leaves more of the host's brain and memories activated and uses this increased mental capacity to prolong its life and its spreading potential.

Stage 3 and 4 zombies are much smarter. They show increased ability to problem-solve; for example, using a manhole cover as a shield to avoid being shot in the head. Most stage 3s will duck and dodge, hide in wait, climb fences, and use simple weapons. Some of them have limited control of stage 2 and other zombies. Some of them can talk, saying basic phrases based on the residual intellect of the host. Some of them can fight, performing simple hand-to-hand moves like blocking blows and kicking. Stage 3 and 4 zombies sometimes work together and coordinate attack efforts. In a rare occasion, our field scientists documented a stage 3 zombie caring for a pet dog. These zombies live much longer than typical zombies. They are much harder to terminate and they are also extremely rare, which, trust me, is a good thing.

In a zombie outbreak you must look for atypical zombie behaviors and terminate these zombies immediately. These zombies are the highest priority zombies to kill. It's not good enough if you just isolate yourself and survive for a while until the zombies all die. That's a faulty strategy often seen in the movies.

You need to appreciate how the Z-virus is actively working to continue its attacks against life. In an extended outbreak, while you are hiding and trying to keep a low profile, the Z-virus is evolving into a hive. You must form teams and actively hunt and illuminate any hive activity you find. Stumbling bumbling mindless zombies are the least of your problems.

Harvard scientists working in their Z-virus labs proved that stage 3 zombies are always a precursor to a stage 4 zombie outbreak. This is factual in any natural zombie incident. The threat is much greater in any artificially initiated zombie event. Stage 4 zombie outbreaks are believed to be the utmost threat to all life on this planet. A stage 5 zombie outbreak is a sign that life as we know it on this planet is in imminent and critical danger.

In an outbreak of the Level V category, which there aren't any _officially_ _documented_ that I am aware of, scientists anticipate stage 2 zombies to have almost completely died off, leaving only a few stage 3, a large number of stage 4 zombies, and central zombie hives controlling all zombie activities. Such outbreaks have only been created in the labs at both Texas A&M and at Harvard. High level outbreaks are what I trained most of my adult life to fight and contain.

In a pandemic zombie outbreak I will report to Texas A&M University in College Station, Texas where I will be recommissioned and then take charge of a fully outfitted and combat ready battalion of Ranger volunteers to actively search for and destroy zombie hives.

An uncontained Level IV zombie outbreak is infinitely worse than a typical zombie outbreak. We contained a Level V zombie hive outbreak incident, the only one that I am unofficially aware of, which I described in my previously published zombie outbreak survival hive PSA (Van Allen Zombie Hives). Look for it.

{Return to Table of Contents}
**Zombie Outbreak Survival:**

The Rules

(Part V)

In this next collection of zombie outbreak survival tips and strategies, I continue adding to my previously published public service announcements (PSAs). The public needs information about outbreaks and zombies and I have a butt-load of information on the subject. I am determined that when the shit hits the fan and you are up to your armpits in dead bodies, desperate survivors, unruly assholes, and zombies, you will at least know something that can increase your chances of survival and thereby increase my own chances of survival. The more of you I have to worry less about, the better for me.

Zombie fighting quotes of the day:

"If you can't be a badass, then get you some badass friends or be prepared to give up your shit: food, supplies, women, children, your life, your soul, your dignity, anything you care to protect—your shit, to assholes."

"In a zombie apocalypse, be prepared for assholes. God made a whole lot of them and they always seem to have the most phenomenal immunities to the shittiest situations."

I apologize now if some of what I have to say and write seems a little raw and gritty. I'm not writing this to win a Pulitzer or to impress literary agents. I'm writing this so it will save your ass and mine when we hit the real no-shit zombie apocalypse grinder.

You need outbreak survival tips, strategies, and master tactics. I have it all. All that's left is the delivery. That's what I intend to do here, deliver. Pay attention.

I started publishing zombie outbreak survival hints, tips, guidance, and strategies beginning around 2008. Before that I wrote (actually rewrote) a few zombie outbreak training manuals still used by military response units today.

We should acknowledge the CDC's efforts to get us ready for pandemic outbreaks and an impending zombie apocalypse with their implicit and explicit support and sponsorship of specific movies such as _Outbreak_ and _Contagion_ , video games such as _Resident Evil_ and _Call of Duty_ , books like _World War Z,_ and also TV shows such as _The Walking Dead_ and the SyFy Channel's _Z Nation_. These movies, TV shows, and games help get us ready. They help a lot, but they all contain flaws because their main purpose is to entertain and make money, not to inform the public.

Unlike the characters in these shows and storylines, hardly any of us should be surprised when a global pandemic outbreak leads to chaos and pandemonium. Hardly any of us should be surprised when the dead attack. We kind of know what to expect thanks to popular literature and movies. And while a lot of zombie entertainment content is about as bad as anything can be and still be called entertainment, at least there is some knowledge you can use.

When it happens, you'll know that zombies don't crave brains, they can't be saved, there's more to fear from the living than the dead, and as I've said before, you shouldn't play with your zombie and they are not a good source of cheap labor.

I've reviewed a lot of zombie movies. I'm actually sorry for having done so. An overwhelming number of zombie movies are a complete waste of time and money. The genre is flooded with substandard crap that somehow makes you wonder what crappy shit-fest of a movie idea did the producers of this tripe reject before deciding to make an absolutely awful zombie movie. I watched three so-called zombie movies recently: Infected, How to Kill a Zombie, and Wasteland, and predictably like the overwhelming majority of zombie movies, these movies were awful.

These movies were an insult to infected people, dead people, assholes, survivors, zombies, high school kids, college students, military people, moviemakers, men, women, and alcoholics. These movies were so bad that the producers need to be lined up so I can kick them all in the nuts. And if I kick them and I don't seriously damage something in them, then I should be allowed to kick them again.

I'm sorry I watched this crap, except that I got to see how low the zombie entertainment bar is set. Movies like these are part of the problem. It's hard to take outbreaks seriously when the library of movies on the subject is filled with such mind-numbing garbage.

In this next PSA, I'll share my 10 zombie outbreak survival rules, plus a few extra survival tips. I have this idea that when we have a strong sense of what to expect, we become better survivors. When we make a plan and overlay that with a good set of rules to live by and then stick to the plan and the rules, we increase our survival chances exponentially.

If zombies are coming for you after the fecal matter impacts the rotating aerial oscillator and you find yourself fighting for survival, you'll need a plan and a list of rules to live by. Rules of Engagement (ROE) increase your chances of surviving by decreasing any wasted time in decision-making. Rules can be simple, like never use the bathroom upstream from your water source. Rules can be complex, like this gun is for people, this gun is for food, and this gun is for zombies.

In this PSA, I'll share with you my list of basic zombie outbreak or apocalypse survival rules. I encourage you to make up your own rules that suit the way you intend to survive. Test those rules and be willing to improve them over time. Survival rules should be individualized and personalized. Survival is always a matter of what YOU know and what YOU can do and what is available in YOUR environment. So, what works for me may or may not work for you, but maybe it will.

Since 2009's hit movie Zombieland represented a new growth potential in acceptable zombie entertainment, I felt compelled to add to the public discussion of what we might expect during a real pandemic viral outbreak event. But even more so, my official unofficial involvement with zombie outbreak response teams gives me a rare expertise in zombie outbreaks and I feel compelled to do further service to the public by sharing what I know to help more people survive.

2009's hit _Zombieland_ was followed by the CDC sponsored Contagion movie in 2011. This movie gave us all a hair-raising glimpse into the start of a pandemic global viral event, the start of the global collapse of social services, and the start of pandemonium. When you watch _Contagion_ , you need to know that the zombie apocalypse starts right after the end credits role.

The most likely chance for a real zombie apocalypse is during a global viral flu outbreak that kills millions world-wide, like the Spanish Flu of 1918, leaving millions of dead bodies unattended to properly. CDC experts have been saying for years that we are overdue for another deadly pandemic global viral outbreak. This also means we are due for a pandemic global zombie outbreak.

The movie _Zombieland_ attempted to deliver a public service message in the form of its advice to create a list of rules to survive the zombie apocalypse. The lead character shared his list of zombie outbreak survival rules. Before I share my own list of rules, let me first list the _Zombieland_ rules as a reference point. I wrote down the list of these rules as I watched the movie. It's actually a great great zombie movie comedy. The rules in the movie were a running gag and the movie apparently did not show all the rules, only some of them as they applied to the scenes.

1 – Cardio: Get in shape so you can outrun and fight zombies.

2 – Double Tap: Shoot zombies twice to be sure they are dead.

3 – Beware of Bathrooms: Zombies like to wait for you to pull your pants down before attacking you.

4 – Seatbelts: Wear your seatbelt because you can die in a car crash just as easily as in a zombie fight.

7 – Travel Light: Carrying too much stuff will slow you down and get you killed.

8 – Get a Kick Ass Partner: Team up with someone who can increase your chances of survival.

17 – Don't be a Hero: Conserve your energies to help save your own life as a main priority. Later, the main character changes this to Be a Hero.

18 – Limber Up: Zombie fighting is hard work and you don't want to pull a muscle, tear something, or catch a cramp.

22 – When in Doubt, Know Your Way Out: Before you go into a building, leave yourself a way to get out of it fast if something unexpected happens.

31 – Check the Backseat: Zombies like to hide in the backseats of cars.

32 – Enjoy the Little Things: Little things like toilette paper, cigarettes, whiskey, SUVs with full tanks of gas, rapid-fire high-capacity large-caliber guns, and of course Twinkies.

The movie skipped around and never showed a full list. Possibly there may have been a few more rules shown in the movie than I've listed here, but you get the gist of the comedic and unrealistic nature of these rules. These rules are funny, but you won't survive long with these rules. You can see below how my rules are no joke and they're actually somewhat more complex. My 10 rules are easy enough for me to remember. When it comes to surviving a zombie outbreak, I'm all business.

Here are my 10 zombie outbreak survival rules:

Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule No. 1 **: I must survive. Nobody's survival is more important than my own.**

1a: Help other survivors only if my survival is assured and their survival will increase my chances of surviving.

1b: Avoid people and situations that decrease my chances of survival.

1c: Don't play the hero if you can help it.

1d: Don't take a zombie bite for anyone.

1e: If someone asks or insists that you to take a zombie bite for them, shoot them and feed them to the zombies.

1f: Ignore this rule only if your death ensures the survival of humanity. In some rare cases, you may decide to sacrifice your life for the greater good and die so humanity can live on. In some rare cases, you will need to save someone who is important enough to warrant risking your life because if you save them they will somehow help you survive longer than if you did not save them. You have to be calculating in this regard.

Dying because you went back to help someone who fell behind is a waste. Dying because you held off the zombies so everyone else could escape is not generally recommended, but once you are infected, then dying for the team becomes one of your best actions.

1g: Once you are infected, attack zombies like there's no tomorrow, because for you there really won't be a tomorrow.

Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule No. 2 **: Shoot first and ask questions later.**

In a kill-or-be-killed zombie pandemonium, when in doubt, shoot it out. You are the law and he who shoots first usually gets to keep making the law. This rule applies to zombies, bad guys, stupid people, assholes, and anyone else who is mistaken for any one of these. This rule also says, "I don't tolerate zombies, bad guys, stupid people, assholes, or anyone who does tolerate them."

2a: Always shoot your cheap stuff first. Conserve your ammo. Be careful because gunfire will attract zombies to you. So if you can, try to use something quiet, like a bow, a machete, or a sword or a booby-trap. Be aware that as you get more up close and personal with zombies, you need to protect yourself from blood splatters and other infectious zombie goop and goo.

2b: If the zombie is not a threat, then you may not need to kill it.

2c: Treat stupid people like zombies and shoot them before they shoot you or do something stupid to get you killed. Clarification: If the person is not smarter than a zombie, then shoot them quickly and end it or even better, use them for zombie bait. Strap explosives to them and when zombies chase and catch them and start eating them, you can blow them all up together.

2d: A zombie pandemonium will bring out the worst in people. You will see people doing the most despicable things, showing their true natures. When you run into a stupid people, bad guys, and/or assholes, do not give them time to explain. End the issue with swift and violent justice. Kill them and do it quickly before you regret it. It's better to not spare a potential bad guy and wish you had than to spare one and wish you hadn't. Always assume the worst, especially if you have a body of evidence to examine.

2e: In the zombie apocalypse, don't take prisoners and don't delay justice. Don't ever let your enemy live to fight another day. It's better to end that problem with extreme violence and later wish you hadn't than to not and later wish you had.

2f: You need a priority list—a priority of fire. Ask yourself what you need to shoot first. In an environment where there are multiple targets, what should you shoot first? Think strategy. You only have limited supplies and you have to think for the long term. For the most part, you need to kill the zombie closest to you and repeat until all dangerous zombies are gone. Any zombie acting odd is also a high priority kill (re: zombie hive combat strategies).

2g: In a zombie apocalypse, you need to be prepared to fight the living and the dead, but especially the living. Be prepared for assholes. God made a whole lot of them and they always seem to have the most phenomenal immunities to the shittiest situations.

Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule No. 3 **:**

Thou shalt seek:

1. Shelter

2. Weapons

3. Water

4. Food

5. Allies

These are the survival priorities in this precise order. Once you go into survival mode, you should work on these priorities. After this, you can seek:

6. Eradication of zombies

7. Restoration of order, and

8. Rebuilding society

3a: The purpose of shelter is so you will have a safe place to stash all of your survival stuff. You will need to have several shelters in various locations so you will have a place to run away to when the shit hits the fan. A great shelter will have all the priorities or at least access to all the priorities listed here and protect you from zombies and assholes too.

3b: Some shelters are better than others. Think of a place that is good for keeping people out. A church or hospital is a bad place. A jail or prison or gun store is a good place; a 2-story gun store is better; a 3-story gun store is even better. Higher is better than lower because most zombies are not good climbers. In fact, if you use a rope to climb up and access your shelter, that's a pretty good shelter, unless you are a weakling and can't climb a rope or do pull ups. In that case go down to the sewers where you belong.

As you walk around your city, make a note of great shelters: easy to lock and keep people out, hardly any low level windows for zombies and assholes to break in. Libraries, movie theaters, discos, and gentlemen's clubs are hard to break into. Think outside the box.

3c: Weapons are social equalizers. If something or someone threatens you, a gun or another weapon can improve your chances of surviving the encounter. If you run out of weapons and ammo, or bad-ass friends with weapons and ammo, your chances of surviving the zombie apocalypse are significantly decreased. You will need lots of weapons and ammo and bad-ass friends with weapons and ammo.

3c1: Remember, in poker, a 9mm beats four aces.

3c2: The gun you know is better than the gun you don't know.

3c3: A small gun with lots of ammo is better than a big gun with very little ammo.

3c4: A sword is better than a baseball bat or a knife or a sharp stick.

3d: You can survive weeks without food. Humans are omnivores; we can eat almost anything from snails, dogs, and rats to tree bark, plant leaves, and berries. Since food to eat may not be a huge problem, you will need to seriously manage your access to drinkable water. You can live for months with skimpy scarce access to food, but you can only survive days without water (in a hot climate) and your chances of survival are significantly decreased further if contaminated water is all you have access to. Think about relocating to a good water source, preferably upstream from any contamination sources such as cities, towns, farms, and factories. If you make shelter in a place where there's limited water, then you can expect to spend a lot of your time hunting for, scavenging for, and protecting your access to water.

3e: While you are surviving, make a map of things you find that you don't need on the chance that someone else may need it. You come upon a camp of survivors. They have plenty of clean water, but they really could use some medicine. You negotiate with them because you know where there is some medicine. You retrieve the meds and give them the medicines they need and they tell you that you can get as much clean water as you need.

Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule No. 4 **: Build or form a survival coalition, league, union, team, cooperative, partnership, or alliance.** In the zombie apocalypse, zombies don't kill people and steal their shit; people kill people and steal their shit. Don't get your shit took.

4a: Attach yourself only to good people who together know how to either kick zombie ass or kick people ass or both or who are fast learners in how to kick all forms of ass. You can bet that all the assholes left alive in the zombie apocalypse will be forming their own ass-kicking co-ops. Make sure you know who to join with.

Examples: A cop is a good friend to have in a zombie apocalypse...well some of them anyway. A pot-head grocery bagging Occupy Wall Street reject is a bad friend to have in the zombie apocalypse. See Rule No. 2-2c and shoot that fucker now before he gets you killed! A peace-loving group of pacifists is something to avoid—they will get you killed. A peace-loving group of bad-asses that expertly manages how and when they should kick some ass is a good group with which to work.

4b: Avoid badasses who are bad people. You need to watch out for bad people. Bad people will make survival not worth it. Plenty of criminals are badasses and may actually be good at survival, but these can be some of the worst people to let survive. Treat them like zombies. I'm reminded of Honey Bunny in Pulp Fiction when she says, "Any of you fucking pricks move, and I'll execute every motherfucking last one of ya!" Now how do you know if someone like that is a good badass or a bad badass? You need to learn how to tell the difference; however, when in doubt, shoot it out (see Rule No. 2).

For the worst kind of people, there is something in the soul that snaps that allows a person to deliberately do hurtful things to another innocent person. If you see traces of this sick, broken soul in anyone around you, go ahead and apply Rule No. 2-2c and shoot that fucker now before you regret it. The zombie apocalypse is no place to set up psychiatric rehab options.

4c: You gotta have friends. If you do not have any badass friends, then it's only a matter of time before you will be forced to give up your shit (guns, ammo, shelter, food, water, women, children, your dignity, your life). Dealing with assholes is the greatest danger and threat to you and your family in any zombie outbreak pandemic situation. Zombies can't shoot you in the back and take your shit. Zombies can't set a booby-trap to kill you. Zombies can't wait for you to leave your hideout and then ransack it. Zombies can't double-cross you and stab you in the back. So, you need to plan for dealing with more than just zombies.

Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule No. 5 **: Don't go out at night.** Why? Zombies are out day and night and it doesn't matter to them. It matters that _YOU_ can see much better in the daylight than at night—fewer scary surprises that way. Some Texas A&M studies concluded that zombies do not see better at night, but some advanced level zombies do see better at night.

5a: Zombies are attracted to light. So set a fire that attracts them while you go the other way to look for food. Fires are better than just plain lights, because the zombies will often walk right into the fire and burn themselves up. Be sure to have this kind of fire away from buildings in the city because the last thing you need is a bunch of zombies walking around on fire setting fire to the city.

5b: When you make fires for heating and cooking and sanitizing, do it in a way that zombies cannot see it. Basic level zombies are attracted to light. Some advanced level zombies are attracted to heat, so you can use fire to lure and trap zombies. If you need the fire yourself, use a pit or a furnace or a basement and do it during the daylight if you can so the zombies won't see it as well.

Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule No. 6 **: Dress for success.**

6a: Protect your entire body. Use thicker, bite-proof clothing. Use knee and elbow pads. Wear gloves. One innovative way to protect yourself is to use duct-tape. Duct-tape is zombie apocalypse gold. You can make some serious weapons out of duct-tape. You can make some serious body armor duct-tape, magazines, and newspaper. You can make a butt-load of serious shit out of duct-tape, if you know what you're doing.

6b: If you are going to be running from zombies, then you need to wear shoes you can run in. Combat boots are not always the best thing to wear.

6c: If you are going to be fighting zombies up close, then protect yourself from contaminated blood and body fragment splatters. Zombie guts and gore and body fluids splattered into your face or allowed to get into an open cut are deadly. Don't get infected and don't get contaminated.

6d: If you plan on facing zombies, then you have to dress differently than if you plan to only face non-zombie assholes. You don't need a bullet proof vest to fight zombies. You don't really need a splatter proof face shield to fight assholes.

6e: Practice running and fighting in the gear you have. Find out where you'll get chaffed. Find out what will get snagged. Find out what works well and what doesn't. Find out how wearing all your gear will affect your shooting, running, ducking, dodging, and sword swinging. Find out if your vision is obstructed in any way.

Test and find out what you can wear that has the right balance of fit, weight, durability, quietness, flexibility, and protection based on the temperature outside. Leather is great, but you won't get too far fighting in leather in Houston, Texas in the summer. You better don't! You better think about it.

The smart play is a mesh motorcycle outfit. Motorcycle racing outfits are affordable and are designed to let air flow through to keep you cool while protecting you in a motorcycle crash. Plus these outfits look pretty cool too. I believe looking good in the apocalypse is very important. You can even find motorcycle gear in camouflage patterns. Motorcycle helmets with a flip up and down face shield work well also. Really, it doesn't get much better than this for surviving a zombie outbreak.

Practice working in what you will wear. If you see somebody out trying to fight zombies in flip-flops and a skimpy bikini top, you're either watching a zombie movie or you can go ahead and apply Rule No. 2-2c for dealing with stupid people.

6e1: If you are going to fight zombies or assholes, then looking good counts. Always look good.

Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule No. 7 **: Get out of town.** A town or city will have a higher population density than a rural area. A higher population density means a higher zombie density. Let's say the city has 50,000 survivors in it fighting over scarce resources. Now imagine there's another 200,000 zombies out and about. This is why you need to get out of town.

7a: Stay near a water supply. Find a river or stream and use it as a water source. No water, no survival. A river can also be a good way to get back into the city without the zombies or assholes seeing you. You can use the river to get places without having to walk. You can eat things that either live in the river or come to the river to drink. Plus most zombies and most assholes can't swim. Hopefully you can.

7b: A higher population density means a higher zombie density and it also means a higher asshole density.

Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule No. 8 **: You must protect your government.** When the world ends up in the crapper, eventually someone will attempt to restore order. You need to watch out for these authority figures and side with those who are acting with purity of purpose and heart. In any apocalyptic event, you will have a wide assortment of kooks, bad guys, and assholes who make a play to take control. If you find any egomaniacs or tyrants who are crazed with power or uncontrolled delusions of grandeur and think they are going to be the next Joe Stalin, Hitler, or the next Jim Jones, go ahead and do the world a favor and apply Rule 2-2c and shoot that fucker and end the shit. Repeat as necessary. Remember, zombies won't screw you over and take your shit. You have much more of a chance of meeting your maker at the hands of lawless evil people than in the hands of a zombie.

8a: Protect the good governments and fight against the evil ones. Defend the heroes and reject the zeroes.

When we hold our ground against assholes and evil dick dictators, and shoot them dead where they stand and stab them in the head with our survival knives, we are sending a message that just because we are in the shit, does not mean we will accept shit. It's your God-given duty to end the shit that is caused by shitty people. If you are not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem. These assholes will eventually get the memo that none of us are tolerant of their shit. They will upgrade and get on the right track or this train will run them down.

8b: If you don't like the governments around you, then form your own. Once you form your own, it's time to persuade, negotiate, and/or overthrow.

Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule No. 9 **: Always be willing to make hard and tough choices.** Practice strategic decision-making. In the zombie apocalypse, you will be faced with hard, tough choices daily.

Should you stay near water or venture away? Should you help a stranger or keep moving? Should you risk your life? Should you leave your group or stay? Should you take the sewer or stay on the streets? Should you stay in the cold frigid north or move more south? Should you take the time and risk cooking your food or eat it raw? Should you take the easy way or the hard way? What are you going to do about the weakest link on your team?

9a: What you need is a toughness groove that runs from the top of your head to the very base of your spine as described by Navy Seal, Richard Machowicz in his book, _The Warrior Within_. Making the tough, hard decision will save your life whereas faltering or wavering, even for a split second may mean the difference between life, death, and infected.

9b: The right thing to do may not always be subject to the democratic process. The right thing to do may not always be the popular choice. You also need to watch out for loud-mouthed angry bullies on your team whose egos drive everything they decide. The right thing to do can't always be determined by who's got the biggest gun or the loudest mouth or the biggest balls. You know you are on a bad team (even if it has good intentions) when too many decisions are made based on popularity, muscle, charisma, or favoritism.

9c: Who do you help? Who do you not help? What's the right balance? If you try to help everyone, you will die fast in violation of rule No. 1.

Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule No. 10 **: When in doubt, in a hurry, or under extreme pressure, always default to Rule No. 1.** Make sure you survive. JSS... Just Survive Somehow.

These are my 10 Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rules. Notice how for me, my rules are bookended by two rules that cover life and death. These two rules have a premise that not everyone will make it, can make it, or should make it. We are not all going to make it. I'm planning on making it, but I'm very realistic in knowing that most of you won't make it.

Did I miss anything in my 10 rules? What do you think? Your own rules need to take into account the environment you are in, what you know how to do and use, and what's available to you. You should seriously think through your own rules and cautiously accept someone else's rules. Ask yourself why they have the rules they have. Make sure you understand another person's rules if you meet them in the apocalypse. It will be nice to know if they have a rule that says, "When shit hits the fan, it's every man for himself." Or if they have a rules that says, "It's a dog eat dog world and I'm the only big dog I give a shit about."

Back to my list. What would you add or subtract from this list? Please share with me when you get the chance. I'm open to new ideas and different ways of surviving, so if you have some ideas throw them on the table. If you have any questions, just ask me and I will clarify my rules.

In my next PSA, I'll share a few more ideas in detail about my zombie outbreak survival rules. Please read my other PSAs and share them with your friends and "Like" them on the Facebook and the Twitter that the young people are into these days.

For homework, I want you to take a look at the  Army Survival Manual. This handbook on survival is your advanced level go-to reference and it's free online. You don't read this for entertainment. You read it for no-shit survival training.

Okay. Let's go over my 10 rules one more time, condensed.

  1. I must survive. Nobody's survival is more important than my own.

  2. Shoot first and ask questions later.

  3. Thou shalt seek: 1. Shelter – 2. Weapons – 3. Water – 4. Food – 5. Allies.

  4. Form a survival coalition, league, cooperative, partnership, or alliance.

  5. Don't go out at night.

  6. Dress for Success.

  7. Get out of town.

  8. You must protect your government.

  9. Always be willing to make hard and tough choices.

  10. When in doubt, always default to Rule No. 1.

Remember: "Surviving a zombie outbreak is hard, but it's harder if you're stupid."

{Return to Table of Contents}
**Zombie Outbreak Survival:**

Weaponology

(Part VI)

It's almost time to take your zombie outbreak survival test to find out if you are ready to survive or if you'll just be in the way when the shit hits the fan. In the last few PSAs, I talked about creating your survival rules. In this next PSA, I'll refresh your survival memory and get you warmed up for my final exams. I'll also cover more weaponology info. Okay...at the end of this PSA I'll also throw in a few reviews of zombie movies...just 'cause I know you want me to.

Okay, let's see my 10 rules one more time:

  1. I must survive. Nobody's survival is more important than my own.

  2. Shoot first and ask questions later.

  3. Thou shalt seek: 1. Shelter – 2. Weapons – 3. Water – 4. Food – 5. Allies.

  4. Form a survival coalition, league, cooperative, partnership, or alliance.

  5. Don't go out at night.

  6. Dress for Success.

  7. Get out of town.

  8. You must protect your government.

  9. Always be willing to make hard and tough choices.

  10. When in doubt, always default to Rule No. 1.

As I said before, weapons are social equalizers. If something or someone threatens you, a gun or other weapon can improve your chances of surviving the encounter.

Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule No. 2 **: Shoot first and ask questions later.**

Zombie Apocalypse Survival No. 3 **: Thou shalt seek: 1. Shelter – 2. Weapons – 3. Water – 4. Food – 5. Allies.**

3c: Weapons are social equalizers. If something or someone threatens you, a gun or another weapon can improve your chances of surviving the encounter. If you run out of weapons and ammo, or badass friends with weapons and ammo, your chances of surviving the zombie apocalypse are significantly decreased. You will need lots of weapons and ammo and badass friends with weapons and ammo.

3c1: Remember, in poker, a 9mm beats four aces.

3c2: The gun you know is better than the gun you don't know.

3c3: A small gun with lots of ammo is better than a big gun with very little ammo.

3c4: A sword is better than a baseball bat or a knife or a sharp stick.

The great thing about America is that there are plenty of weapons, guns, and ammo accessible to the average Joe. If you don't have guns and don't know how to use guns, well you could at least make friends with cool people like me who do; although, for a zombie outbreak, I'm not planning on being very friendly (re: Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #2, 2c), but maybe some other badasses you run into will.

The absolute best weapon in a zombie apocalypse is intelligence. Given a smart survivor versus a dumb survivor, I'll put my money on the smart one living longer. Stupid and dumb people don't really have much of a chance in a pandemic zombie outbreak. Life in a zombie apocalypse will be tough, but it will be tougher if you're stupid, infinitely tougher.

Keep in mind the Z-virus starts out attacking the lowest levels of social intelligence. Basically, stupid people, dumb people are on the front lines. These are the people who don't get regular vaccination flu shots, they don't read, they don't wash their hands when they should, they don't train the children to be preventative, they go to the doctor regularly to be proactive, they don't eat right, they drink and smoke more than they should, and they don't live the healthiest lives. The Z-virus starts at this level and when all of these people are zombies, the Z-virus mutates to keep attacking the smarter levels of what's left of society. That's how this thing works.

Your next best weapon is prevention. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. You should look at almost every challenge by asking what is the worst that could happen and then plan to prevent that worst case from happening. As far as the apocalypse, are you doing what you have to now to prevent it? Are you washing your hands? Are you staying away from sick people? Are you following your doctor's orders? Are you getting your flu shots? Are you getting your mind body and soul ready for the apocalypse? Are you working out and increasing your health and fitness? Are you reading all the right things to help you know what to expect? Are you adding things item by item to your survival stash? Are you familiarizing yourself with weapons and self-defense tactics? Are you making sure your family is ready? Or, are you becoming a specialist in watching TV and doing nothing with your life? Are you wasting your time and energy and living day to day as a physical liability to the people you love, in your family and community? Are you better today than you were yesterday?

Well, when all the prevention fails, and it will fail, your next best weapons are distance, stealth, and speed. I know! These outbreak weapons aren't traditional weapons. Your first step to thinking about weapons is to think strategically. Here again are those five absolute best survival weapons:

**Intelligence** \- either be smart or be smart enough to have smart friends

**Prevention** \- I'd rather be safe than sorry

**Distance** \- stay far away from zombies, stupid people, and assholes

**Stealth** \- hide from zombies, stupid people, and assholes

**Speed** \- quickly get away from and/or quickly kill zombies, stupid people, and assholes

If you use distance, stealth, and speed to your advantage, you will have a great chance of surviving the zombie apocalypse once prevention fails.

The Other Weapons

In a zombie apocalypse, you need a variety of weapons. You need weapons that can take care of a problem long distance, close distance, face to face, quietly, and/or quickly as the situation dictates. I like to go practical when I talk about weapons. There are a wide variety of exotic weapons that the average Joe can't afford and doesn't need to have a fighting chance in the zombie apocalypse, so I will mostly talk about guns and weapons that are easy to afford and use. Here is what you need at a minimum:

First, get a long rifle for dealing with problems far away.

Next you need a hand gun for dealing with closer problems.

You need a shotgun for when you need to clear a crowd of either zombies, stupid people, or assholes.

You need a long, sharp weapon you can swing for cutting down things you don't want to shoot.

Now let's build your arsenal of survival weapons.

First you need a long rifle and the AK47 is one of the best. It's good for close to long range accuracy, durable, very easy to find ammo and parts (if you are not in the US), and takes lots of combat abuse. The US M16 (and its cousins, the AR15 and the M4) is really a piece of crap. But it is also common enough in the US that you could easily purchase one, find ammo for it, and locate replacement parts and accessories. A crappy M16 that you can afford and find plenty of ammo and accessories for is better than an AK47 that is a little harder to afford. I suggest you purchase and AR15 or an M4. Shit, purchase two or five.

You also need a long sword. I prefer the katana or samurai sword, but the best swords cost a lot of money. If you have a $50 sword from the swap meet, the bazaar, or the flea market, okay, sell that thing to another sucker. The only swords worth using in a zombie apocalypse will cost you several hundred dollars at least and come from a real swordsmith or weapons shop. If you must, buy the swap meet sword and the swordsmith sword, go into your back yard and hack away at different stuff, wood, trees, sandbags, melons, sacks of potatoes. You'll quickly see the difference.

However, what's better than an expensive sword? You can find military grade machetes online, so get two of them, one for each hand. Shit, get four or five of them. They cost less than $30 and they are just as good as high quality high-priced samurai swords. These military chopping tools were forged for use in hacking paths through thick jungles. You will quickly appreciate how the machete will hack up zombies and assholes in your way without too much work and at a very low cost.

You will also need a large caliber hand gun or two, or five. Look for semi-automatic guns rather than revolvers. A 9mm with a 15-round clip size will work nicely since 9mm ammo is also very easy to find. What brand of 9mm? I suggest you pick up the standard military issued Beretta 92FS, which is also standard for a large number of police forces. Since so many of these are in production, you can bet you'll find plenty of them lying around during the zombie apocalypse. Make sure you know how to use one of these.

Everything else you might think to stockpile for a zombie apocalypse is just extra. Sure, shotguns have their limited uses. Bows and crossbows are good for doing things quietly. Shotguns and bows have negative issues with how fast any shooter can load and reload these.

Good things in a pinch: metal baseball bats, large heavy meat cleavers, long one-handed swords (the real ones; not the ones just for display). If you like to collect knives and swords, just make sure you know which shiny pointy thing you purchased can come off of the shelf in a shit sandwich and which ones need to stay on the shelf in a shit sandwich. Bad things: short knives, chainsaws, flamethrowers (fire), and brass knuckles.

Guns that can be silenced are ok because zombies are attracted to gun fire and just about any loud noise. But the silencers you see on TV and in the movies are greatly exaggerated in how quiet they can make a gun. There is no such thing as a silenced gun. There is no such thing as a truly quiet or "silenced" gun. The more quiet a gun is, the more useless said gun is.

Dynamite and other explosives like hand grenades are not very practical on zombies. Claymores and other anti-personnel mines and landmines are great zombie and asshole stoppers. The average Joe won't likely have access to explosives and land mines or other such devices.

Gun Control?

I have to offer my two cents here on gun control. For the most part, when you say "gun control" you get replies from idiots who think you're a communist. I believe in tighter gun control. The more guns in the hands of people like me (expertly trained and tested) and the fewer guns in the hands of people like, well you know (dumbasses, stupid people, and social rejects with bad intentions), the better. Me, hard and trained; you, soft and squishy. Don't hate, appreciate and do something about it while you can.

They say I am part of the problem, part of the pussification of American. And when they say it, they say it like this, "Murica!" I say they are part of the problem, a huge part of the dumbassification of America. Who is right? I'm right! That's obvious. I'm always right, all ways, always.

Before we go too far into the topic of weaponology, I have to lay out more than just two cents on the issue. Here we go.

I am a United States Marine, a Captain of Marines, a father, a husband, a federal agent, a combat specialist, trainer, and master tactician. I am a zombie outbreak expert, I am a zombie apocalypse survival expert, and I am a Certified Texas Badass. While guns play a central role in increasing our chances of surviving a zombie apocalypse, we have all seen with our own eyes the harm that gun violence and gun crimes can cause in a community particularly when guns are in the hands of assholes, stupid people, and/or lunatics. The idea that we would all be better if everyone had access to guns is just sheer dumbassery.

Just recently, there were several incidents of gun violence to include the pseudo-terroristic incident in San Bernardino, California. But also recently several pro-gun shows and rallies had incidents of accidental gun discharges and injuries, direct evidence of why I like to avoid gun shows and gun rallies, and any other event where the average American Joe gun owner is attending in large numbers. You see, I know the average American Joe gun owner and he's more a part of the problem than he is a part of the solution. The average Joe isn't expertly trained. In fact, the average Joe is poorly trained.

I believe gun violence and gun crimes are an epidemic in America. I believe something must and can be done to stop the epidemic. While my stance may seem contradictory to what I said in my previous zombie apocalypse survival PSAs (please read them; thank you if you have), and while my stance may certainly fly in the face of most of the zombie movies, games, and all zombie print/reading content you can find, you can clearly see in many of my PSAs my understanding of what is the matter with guns being in the wrong hands. I do not agree with contentions that guns in video games and movies contribute significantly to the epidemic. I have never shied away from a position that guns in the wrong hands is a bad thing even in a zombie apocalypse. I know that a well-armed idiot has a better chance of surviving than a not so well-armed genius.

I have also previously been very pointed in sharing what I think about the NRA's agenda to keep profit money flowing into the hands of gun companies. Oh wait, you may have thought the NRA's agenda was to defend our freedoms, to protect the Second Amendment. I understand your confusion about the NRA. It's okay. Take a minute and think about this. Take a deep breath.

They are protecting your right to bear arms AND they are ensuring the profitability of the gun industry. If this sounds like a difference without a distinction, it's because you are not very smart. Think about it some more. Don't be a goober to the NRA. Write that on your hand if you need to. I will give the NRA credit for giving a very loud voice to a very noisy few—gun nuts, gun dealers, and gun manufactures.

Peel back the idea that gun-owning citizens are what keep America from becoming a dictatorship and you see one of the strangest ideas the NRA will have you believe. So those of us who own guns are the hard line in the sand against an oppressive government? I'm pretty sure the true line in the sand is called Democracy. President Trump could try to "take over" and give America away to Russia and the Germans, but what about the term limits? Will he get 'er done before 2020? The NRA would have you think he can, unless of course you send the NRA your money so they can defend your right to buy all the guns you can afford. Every presidential administration is going to sell us out, so we all better buy some guns. Think back... When was the last time in the history of this country a bunch of gun collecting nut jobs defended democracy inside the US borders and territories?

Does anyone remember when David Koresh used his stockpile of heavy weapons to battle the US government? No, I didn't think so. The whole Branch Davidian "we have guns to stop the government" lasted about as long as a Star Trek series marathon on TV. I will give the NRA credit for being cleverly opportunistic in today's world of mass media. I'm expecting the NRA to turn whatever is going on in American politics today into some sort of drive for memberships and gun sales. That's what they do. It's their calling card. They work to increase gun sales for the benefit of gun companies, not for the benefit of the average Joe American.

Remember when the NRA said Barack Obama would take all our guns? In fact, that president made more money for the NRA than any other president in the history of the NRA. The blight of the common people (gun business) has scammed the common people into believing it is the common people and the common people are the blight. The sad thing is that it's all too easy to do. The NRA model sounds something like this: President + tyrant + Hitler + take our guns + Constitution + the President is crooked + We the People + Terrorist are coming to get us + More guns means we win and terrorists lose = send me your money now + buy an NRA membership now + buy more guns now while you can + repeat repeat repeat + cha-ching cha-ching cha-ching cha-ching cha-ching cha-ching cha-ching.

I get it. The NRA has gun safety training classes. Fighting gun control while offering gun safety classes is a crazy hypocrisy. Sure, most can't comprehend what I mean by this. At least the NRA is a valid resource for gun training.

Okay, enough ranting on the NRA. I support our President and everything he can do to reduce gun violence and gun crimes in this country.

President Obama said that in the first month since the Newtown tragedy (remember that in 2012?) where 26 people were killed, more than 900 people were killed by guns in the US. That's a whopping 900 in about 1 month, about 30 a day for a month. So about 10,000 people every year? People who are murdered and victimized by someone with a gun? It's counterintuitive to argue that we can't do anything about this.

Only about 3,000 people were killed in 9-11 and we went to war twice over that. More Americans are killed yearly in America by gun violence than there are American military members killed in war abroad every year. This is an epidemic.

So, again and first of all, as a zombie outbreak expert and as a zombie apocalypse survival expert, I commend Presidential initiatives and executive actions to end our gun violence epidemic. Sadly, not much has changed in Murica sense 2012.

I have some take-away comments and lingering concerns. Foremost, I like the idea that our President should do something that tightens up the system that has allowed too many guns to go into the hands of too many, criminals, social derelicts, and ill-minded people. I have spent a life's career studying guns, working with guns, and handling guns safely. I have proven myself to be a certified honorable gun-owner. More guns in the hands of people like me is a great thing; fewer guns in the hands of people like those who have made the news lately is a great thing. Now this may sound like a difference without a distinction, because it is.

Basically, the President can do a lot of good and his executive actions could be significant, but also these sorts of high level political actions will probably never do enough. Executive actions are necessary, but they hardly make mass killings and other gun crimes significantly less likely to occur in the future. Let me explain.

Guns are regulated at the highest federal levels, much like a lot of things such as alcohol, tobacco, driving vehicles, flying aircraft, piloting boats, joining the military, voting, and a few other licensures. Think about it all. The federal government establishes the national standard voting age, drinking age, and other minimum standards for big ticket items like how young is too young to buy tobacco products or how fast is too fast in a boating lane.

I would like to see the President raise the minimum age for buying guns to 25. Right now the minimum age nationally is 18. It is a crime almost everywhere for a person under the age of 21 to just be in the possession of alcohol, even a closed container of alcohol. I myself was briefly detained and subsequently charged for underage possession of alcohol when I was 19 years old for several beers in the trunk of my car that I forgot were even back there and this was on a military base (Camp Lejeune, NC - 1987).

Making it similarly criminal for persons under the age of 25 to possess guns and purchase guns would take an incredible number of guns out of the hands of those most likely to commit gun crimes. Sure, I can accept some special considerations for those who serve in the military honorably and other law enforcement and security services.

Here is a good place to point out how stringently careful most military, law enforcement, and security guard weapons licensing and certification efforts are and to cover a second additional opportunity to significantly impact gun crime, which Presidents usually miss. Security guards, police officers, and military service members all have to certify, pass classes, and recertify, some on an annual basis. Even ROTC units in high schools and colleges do this. The average Joe in this country has to do the same to maintain a driver's license; hardly ever is this done annually unless there is a problem such as for a drunk driving incident or for elderly persons.

You know what? You have to get a hard license just to hunt and fish in most states and municipalities. Why is there no requirement for the average Joe gun owner to have a hard gun license that can be issued, revoked, and restricted based on nationally standardized requirements? Why not? This is a tough one for me. I would gladly report to the gun owner's version of the DMV to test and prove my worthiness to own a gun.

Perhaps someday, when I am too old to operate my gun properly and safely, they can require me to sell it and give it up. Why not? Who feels like the government requires drivers, pilots, hunters, doctors, and homebuilders to go through too much crap just to do what they want to do? If anything, we can read the daily news and come away feeling like the government doesn't ask enough people to do enough stuff to certify their responsible potential for doing what they want to do. You have to have licenses to own dogs!

Criticism of the Call for Presidential Executive Actions?

A number of social groups are calling for another ban of high-capacity ammo magazines. I remember when this particular ban was in effect back in the 90s. A gun store would sell you a pistol, say that old reliable 9mm, and the magazine that was included with the purchase could only hold up to 10 bullets. It wouldn't take much effort at all today to find magazines that hold more bullets especially today through eBay and other online sources. This is a watered down and useless effort.

Someone also recommended banning the manufacture of assault weapons. First of all, exactly how can you institute a real 100% ban on the manufacture of something that almost every law enforcement and military agency must have? Wouldn't gun companies still have to manufacture those guns at least for those agencies? This would be an obvious political conflict of interest. Furthermore, without banning the possession/ownership and the purchase and the trade of assault weapons, this plan at best would only just force someone who wants to own an assault weapon to go and get it from a non-US company or buy it from someone who already owns one.

Can our President ban the manufacture of AK-47s manufactured in Italy? If he made it illegal to possess, purchase, trade, sell, and own an AK-47, then wow; that would be something. Is it feasible to ban a gun by name? "We hereby ban all AK-47s!" The gun nut then says, "Yee haw! I get to keep my AK-46s and BK-32s!" By this I mean to say, a gun company will simply just change the name of the banned gun, maybe add a new sight to it, and keep making essentially the same thing as before.

This sort of presidential pandering to critics and noisy interest groups who didn't vote for the President is never going to happen. What exactly would the President define as an assault rifle? Any anti-personnel rifle technically is an assault rifle, but perhaps the President should include something about magazine capacity and rates of fire and ability to fire automatic? Maybe the definition will be entirely subjective. Maybe the definition will include some sort of aesthetic interpretations based on what a pasty-faced non-gun owning politician thinks an assault rifle looks like. Is a sniper rifle an assault rifle? Sniper rifles do not have high-capacity ammo magazines.

Let's keep it real. In the hands of the wrong person, what rifle isn't an assault rifle? Let's keep it real. You can buy a standard hunting rifle and then with a couple hundred bucks, the right parts, a screwdriver, and a quick perusal of a few videos on YouTube, convert your standard hunting rifle into an assault rifle. Let's keep it real. You can buy a standard hunting rifle and then with a couple of hundred bucks, the right parts, a screwdriver, and a quick perusal of a few videos on YouTube, convert your standard hunting rifle into an automatic firing high-capacity ammo magazine assault rifle. I'm suspicious that these sorts of bans are pointless.

The real strength of our President to change and influence our deeply engrained gun culture is with federal contracting. I would bet both my kidney's that every American gun manufacturer is a federal contractor. Uncle Sam is the biggest gun and firearms customer, probably in the world. Uncle Sam has pretty deep pockets and holds quite an audience when he starts to write checks. Uncle Sam owns more guns and assault weapons than anyone.

Should the President flex his fiduciary muscle and want to do something about gun violence, he can put the American dollars where his mouth is. Then you might see the rate of manufacturing of assault style weapons drop significantly. Now consider the laws of supply and demand. They make fewer assault rifles, so the price goes through the roof, and no one except snooty rich folk can afford them, the sort of elitist people who hardly ever commit gun crimes.

Now consider the underground market for illegally purchased guns. The idea that you can walk into a gun show and buy a gun without a background check is an amazingly bad thing that has to be stopped regardless of who the President is. Every time I go to a gun show I walk away feeling creeped out and worried about all of the weirdoes you can see there. Gun shows are the derelict's playground.

I saw a strange and odd-looking little guy walk in to a gun show in Fort Worth, pay cash for a 50-caliber sniper rifle with nobody asking him any questions before he walked right out the front door with that thing strapped over his shoulder; I thought it was extra odd that he was such a little puny fellow and the sniper rifle was actually bigger than he was, making that very memorable for me. I'm not saying this little fellow can't legally have a sniper rifle; I am saying we would all have much better security in knowing that he was legally cleared to have it and in knowing that if he gets weird on us, then someone will show up to legally take the sniper rifle out of his hands. I'm just a fan of public confidence in our capabilities of preventing problems. Somehow you and I will have to go through more screens and background checks to get a job than is required to by an assault rifle. I'm not cool with that. There's more screens and checks to open an account on Netflix than there to buy guns in some states.

Does anyone think gun shows and mass gatherings of gun nuts is a safe place to be? If you do, it's because you're not very smart. Google shootings and accidents at gun shows.

The need for better police networking is long overdue and is something that every American should support. Why should you be able to commit a felony in Alabama and then move to Texas and no police agency there has any record of your out of state conviction? Likewise, the connection between mental health registries and crime and gun registries is long overdue. How can we all be comfortable when a clinically diagnosed basket case can walk into any gun store and buy any gun, walk into any gun show and walk out with his own personal arsenal of sniper rifles and his own stockpile of ammo? Who really thinks it's un-American to say, "I'm sorry sir. You've been flagged and I cannot sell you this weapon"? I saw a strongly opinionated article on LinkedIn where there was overwhelming support of barring Muslims from stockpiling guns in America. How is THAT okay, but banning nut jobs is not okay? I personally think it's un-American and un-patriotic to complete a sell to a nut job. How much money would you really lose by refusing to do business with nut jobs?

Finally, think about those 900 people again. Gun violence is often random. Who among us expects to be the victim of a gun crime or someone in our family to be the victim? Would executive actions help reduce the number in the coming months? Can we do something significant about the **underground gun market**? Do we as a society care about the uncommonly high rate of gun violence in the inner cities contained and perpetuated within the bubble of impoverished socioeconomic status? Can we stop Big Willie from hanging out on the street corner, selling unmarked guns out of the trunk of his car in New Orleans or Los Angeles and Uncle Jake from selling unmarked guns from the back of his pick-up truck on the back roads of Florida or Arizona?

There is statistical evidence that the get tough on gun crime initiatives of the early 90s made a dramatic impact in the gun crime rates. We should put those strategies back on the table. If criminals know they are going to jail for possessing firearms, if citizens know they will be fined for not registering their guns, if we put some muscle behind our laws, I know we will all be better for it.

Certainly the President won't check with me before he does anything. I'm guessing this President knows how to push the envelope of negotiation tactics. When you know THEY are going to fight everything you propose, then your best strategy is to propose the sky and the moon. Give them something to really go crazy about. Then you can seem to meet them in the middle of the road by caving in on a few of their demands. If you really want 50, then ask for 110 and then make THEM feel really good about the fact that they only gave you 65.

Let's play out this negotiation tactic with mastery, simplified...

"I want 110."

"You're a tyrant. You're like Hitler. You're in bed with the Russians and the Germans. No way are we going to give you more than half of what you want, you idiot!"

"Okay, I feel your concerns. You have valid points. I want you to meet me at 75 and we can both save face and make America great again."

"You're a jerk. We are not your peons. You'll take 65 or else we will keep calling you names."

"Okay, I'm at your mercy. I'll take 65. Compromise is the sign of a strong democracy."

"See! We made the tyrant cave in. Send us more of your money and we'll always be able keep him honest."

Barry Goldwater once said, "Moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue." We have to do better and we can.

I would gladly show up in Texas, first in line and register everything I have and then take the test to show I'm worthy.

"Mr. Allen, what is your reason for having all these weapons?"

"I have these weapons so I can survive the zombie apocalypse and fight to save the world when needed."

"Thank you Sir. Thank you for your service to our country. Sign right here. Your license is approved. We'll see you in two years."

Yes yes yes. Sure I'll tick-off a bunch of you die hard gun nuts and survivalists. I'm okay with that because I'm right. So save your comments and threats. I won't read them. I will gladly jump through a few extra hoops to do my part to make America great again and safer and to keep and protect my right to own guns while limiting almost everyone else's right to own guns.

Because when the zombies come, you will be glad I have my guns. I'm probably not going to be glad you have your guns.

And still, as a zombie outbreak and apocalypse survival expert, I would be remiss if I didn't talk at least for a short while about gun smarts and gun safety. The main thing you better understand about guns is gun safety. Answer this test question. What is the first rule of gun safety? Many will say, "Treat every gun as if it's loaded." Or some will say, "Never point a gun at something you don't intend to kill." These are all wrong answers. These are good answers, but they are wrong answers. The first rule of gun safety is always know where your gun is.

Always know where your gun is.

Do this. Go buy a gun, preferably a common easy to afford 9mm semi-auto pistol from Ruger, Glock, Taurus, or Beretta. Taurus tends to be the lower price in this group around $400. Glock 9mms which do not come with a safety switch tend to be the higher price around $600. I like safety and I like low costs. After you buy a gun, just carry it around with you UNLOADED everywhere you think you might need to have a gun for the first six months after you buy it. Trust me. You need to do this unless you were in the military and had a military job where you handled guns.

Now, for the first six months, practice keeping up with your gun. Do you know where your gun is? Is it under your pillow? Is it under the seat of your car? Is it at the top of your closet? Is it in the lock box under your bed? Is it in your glove compartment in your car? Is it in your pants pocket or holster?

Try to take it with you wherever you go. Do they allow guns at your job, at the liquor store, at the football game, at church, at the airport, in the parking lot, at the casino? If you are going to own a gun, then you need to know all of this.

Keep it unloaded for the first six months. Put it in your purse and make sure you know how it feels in there. Keep it in your pocket or waist/hip holster and get used to how it feels there. Can you fish for your wallet at Walmart without your gun falling out of your purse or pocket onto the conveyor belt?

A lady got a new handgun for Christmas and put the loaded gun in her purse. A few days later, her toddler pulled out the gun and pulled the trigger killing her in a Walmart. If you just slow down a little after buying a gun and follow my advice, you might prevent a tragedy like this. If she had slowed down and kept her brand new gun unloaded for a while she would have realized how dangerous it could be to have a gun, especially around five kids and maybe nobody would have died for her to realize this. Buying a gun with a safety just may have made a difference too. Grab a box of tissues and Google this news article.

I was at the movie theater and a guy enters the stall next to me and drops his trousers. A 9mm Glock pistol hits the floor and slides across to my stall. I'm sitting there. I'm like, "Dude!?!"

He says, "I'm really sorry? Can you slide that back over here?"

"Bro! Maybe you want to practice having a gun on you and dropping your pants at home a few more times, before you take the show on the road," I says to him before I kick the thing back over to him.

I've seen the same thing happen with cell phones in restrooms. But you always know where your cell phone is don't you? Making sure you always know where your gun is at all times is a lot like that. Know where your gun is, dammit. Are there kids around? Are you always losing your keys and your wallet? Maybe you should practice for six months with a toy gun. Are you the kind of dumbass that would leave a gun on the bus? Would you leave it in your pocket and send it to the dry cleaners?

Also, now that you have a gun and you carry it with you everywhere, if something happened would you be too spastic to shoot straight? How would you know? New gun owner, you need practice.

Do you know your gun? Do you know if your gun is loaded? Do you know if your gun has to be racked/cocked before it's ready to fire? Do you know how to operate your gun and reload it in the dark? Do you know how to clean your gun? Can you take your gun off safety and fire it with your opposite hand?

Do you know how many times I have heard some idiot say, "I was cleaning my gun and then it just went off." Well in 31 years of having guns very close by, that's never happened to me. Maybe that's because I never try to clean or handle a gun before I know for a fact that it's not loaded.

NBA star and classic dumbass Jayson Williams allegedly shot someone while he was playing around with a shotgun all while he was drinking booze, allegedly. Booze and guns are a bad mix. Did you know that? Plenty of laws against drinking and driving. Not one law in this country against drinking and having a firearm.

Subscribe to the Firearm Blog (Google it) for more basic gun info. They also have the same story of the Walmart mom covered on their blog. Search for their articles on the case.

Here are the Marine Corps' four basic gun safety rules:

Treat every weapon as if it were loaded.

Keep your finger straight and off the trigger until you intend to fire.

Never point your weapon at anything you don't intend to shoot.

Keep your weapon on safe until you intend to fire.

Oh, we Marines have more rules, lots more rules, but these four help get the earliest points across to new recruits. Just one example of the extra rules in the Marines is the additional rule that says you need to make sure you always know how many shots you fired and how many shots you have left to fire before you need to reload. How important do you think this rule would be in a zombie apocalypse?

More weapons tips:

Booby-traps are great weapons in a zombie apocalypse. They help fight zombies and assholes. You should set your booby-traps to either immobilize the zombie or to kill them with a head shot. So a hand grenade or other explosive rigged to blow up at about neck level is better than a hand grenade thrown on the ground. This works for assholes too. Blowing off some asshole's foot is just weak and immoral. Blow his head off and end the issue that way. Make sure you know what you want your booby-traps to do.

Land mines are great weapons against zombies. They are very useful as an early warning device and as a safety measure when you need to get some sleep. You can mark your landmines very plainly so you will see them at night and in the daylight and so "friendlies" can tell where they are. Friendlies are non-asshole non-zombie survivors who help increase your chances of surviving. The low level zombies will not be able to avoid your booby-traps even if you place them in plain sight. Just be careful because a random zombie could set off a land mine when YOU are very close to it.

Fire is not very useful. The last thing we all need is a bunch of flaming zombies bumping into things, setting the city or the forest on fire. Plus you probably have no idea how hard it is to make a human body burn with enough heat to kill a zombie. The human body is mostly water. Water does not burn. It boils, and it boils in the brain very slowly. Keep that in mind. Don't waste any time trying to burn a zombie. Strike a hard blow to the head and get it done quick.

Chemicals are also not very useful. Nerve gas and other biological agents are almost useless against zombies. They can be effective against assholes, but with one change in the direction of the wind and you have just gassed yourself. Chemicals are difficult to work with. There is a Texas A&M study using nerve gas where the effects of the nerve agent disrupt the nervous system's ability to carry a signal. This is effective against zombies, but again, it's very difficult to use it and only see zombies affected.

Electricity IS very useful. Electricity works extremely well against zombies and assholes. Use it if you got it. An old Harvard zombie study showed that electricity was an exceptional anti-zombie weapon. It also showed that hand-held tasers and stun-guns tended to NOT work against zombies. The best way to use a stun gun on a zombie is to put it directly on its head. The jolts of electricity will short out the zombie's infected brain and make it fall down and stop attacking for a few seconds; kind of like forcing it to reboot its hard drive. However, this is getting too close for comfort to zombies if you ask me. But you can still use a taser on any non-zombie assholes you encounter.

There's also a Texas A&M study that shows electrical current running through long wires like a fence or cattle wire tend to confuse a zombie's EMF sense. Yes. Zombies have been shown to have heightened EMF bioelectrical senses and pheromonal senses like sharks, mosquitoes, or bees. Zombies are not dumb. They have brains that work to spread the virus. If you understand zombie psychology, that will increase your chances of survival.

During a zombie outbreak response, one team drew all the zombies to a central location and then fired up their military grade tanks, bulldozers, and steamrollers to run them over and crush and flatten them in bulk. You have to be aware that tactics like these are more effective than gunfire because there will likely be thousands of zombies out there to dispose of. Make sure you search your environment and think of smart ways to eradicate zombies and assholes you encounter.

You also have to think about the biohazard of disposing of zombies. All those rotting corpses piled up draining their putrid body fluids all over the ground is a pretty disgusting thing. If you don't know what you're doing, you will probably screw things up without even knowing it. Zombie bodies and human waste should be burned.

The best assault rifle accessories for surviving a zombie outbreak: 1) Large capacity ammo magazines—think drums. 2) Bayonets—the longer, the better. 3) Scopes. 4) Silencers.

Practice! Practice! Practice! The world's greatest rifle is nothing more than a wimpy club if you don't practice with it and get up close and become very familiar with what it can and cannot do. If you don't practice, you will die fast. If you can't practice with the real thing, I guess video games like _Call of Duty_ (especially with their zombie mode) is not a bad option. You could also get toy versions of real weapons to practice with. I guess that's better than no practice at all.

Do your homework and YouTube all of the weapons, guns, and blades I mention in this PSA. Keep in mind you are reading my PSAs because you want to be ready. My PSAs should make you realize how much you don't know and then spur you into getting better educated about your own survival. Your plan should be to be better by tomorrow than you were today. Your survival is your responsibility, not mine. So read everything I write, do your homework after you read my info, and share the info you find with the people around you. In the zombie apocalypse, will you be a zombie, will you be dead, will you be a survivor, will you be the hero, or will you be the asshole? Those are your options. I plan to survive.

My absolute favorite zombie apocalypse guns:

Springfield Armory USA base model M1As/M14s

Olympic Arms AR-15s

Taurus guns

Saiga semi-automatic shotguns

Google these guns.

Okay, that's enough weaponology for now.

{Return to Table of Contents}
**Afterword**

In my next PSAs, I plan to share some of my frequently asked questions (FAQs) and best zombie outbreak survival ideas and later you'll have a chance to take my test to see if my PSAs have increased your chances of surviving a pandemic zombie outbreak.

Sample Test Questions:

In a zombie apocalypse, who is the most valuable person to form an alliance with?

a. A man, because all men are superior.

b. A survival bad-ass, because bad-asses will increase your survivability.

c. A woman, because well you know...

d. A doctor, because they can care for sick people and help you find a cure.

e. None of these, because zombies are not real.

A zombie bit one of the members of your team in the last melee. What should you do?

a. Wait and see if she turns into a zombie.

b. Kill her now and redistribute her shit.

c. Chop off the part of her body with the bite.

d. Make her drink 4 gallons of salt water.

e. None of these, because zombies are not real.

If you are not sure of the correct answers, then you need to keep reading my PSAs. Thank you for reading. Remember, surviving a zombie apocalypse is tough, but it's tougher if you're a fucking idiot.

Captain Allen's Career Time Line:

1984 Enlisted in the Marines

1985 Graduated Boot Camp

1986 First Combat Deployment to Libya

1888 Non-Combat Deployment to Korea

1989 Assigned to a ZORT Platoon – Panama Incident

1990 Preemptive destruction of Saddam Hussein's zombie research facility in far north Iraq during operation Desert Shield, during the start of the first Gulf War with Iraq

1992 Texas A&M Advanced Zombie Survival Training

1999 Helo Crash in San Diego Outbreak Incident

2002 Received Orders to the Fort Hood ZORT

2002 Team Response to Outbreak in Spearfish, South Dakota

2003 Preemptive Strike on Eastern Iran/Western Iraq

2005 Hive Incident in Miercurea-Ciuc, Romania

2005 Retired from the USMC

2005 Began new assignment with a new Federal Agency (purposefully not named) auditing health services for outbreak compliance

2008 Appointed as the Community ZORT Commander Frisco Unit

2010 Consulted on Minor Zombie Outbreak – McAlester, Oklahoma

2010 Consulted on Minor Zombie Outbreak – Port-au-Prince, Haiti

2012 Consulted on Minor zombie outbreak – Pine Bluff, Arkansas

2013 Consulted on Minor Zombie Outbreak – Big Spring, Texas Federal Prison

{Return to Table of Contents}
**Dedication**

This work is dedicated the hard-charging Marines of the Texas A&M MECEP Platoon with that gleam in their eyes and that twisted smile on their faces as they rush forward into the battle pushing wheel-barrels, squeaking and overloaded with their big brass balls, fearing nothing and killing everything in their way.

3/24/2017

Thank you for reading my book. If you enjoyed it, please leave positive reviews with your favorite book retailers.

~Van Allen

**About the Author**

Van Allen is a real person. I'm a former Captain in the US Marines. In my 21-year military career, I developed expertise in both combat training and criminal investigations. While in the Marines, I also completed a bachelor's degree in Psychology from Texas A&M University and a Masters in Psychology from The Chicago School of Professional Psychology. Originally from Houston, Texas and currently residing in Frisco, Texas, I fancy myself a secret physics, statistics, and data nerd. I'm also known today for being a part-time tennis strategy and coaching genius...by my kids...sometimes. If you ever want to talk more about zombies and what's real and what's not, drop me a line.

www.VanAllenFiction.com

VanAllenFiction.com@aol.com

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Previously Published:

-Available for at your favorite eBook retailer

SciFi

CNSEV Tormalinas Lost - Alien Bugs in Space

I Tawt I Taw A Putty Tat - Alien Conspiracy

Zombie Apocalypse

Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Rules - Zombie Apocalypse Preparation

Zombie Outbreak Survival: Hive Incident

Zombie Outbreak Survival: Get It Right Or Die

Zombie Outbreak Survival: Weaponology and Gun Control

Zombie Outbreak Survival: What's Left of America

Zombie Outbreak Survival: Make America Zombie Free Again

Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Definitive Test

Other Fiction

The Secret Society of The Great Pumpkin

Non-Fiction

Memoirs

Jasper and Van

The Old Man in the Hospital

Non-Fiction (Business)

Hire the Right People and Win Big

Graduate Research on Improving Corporate Diversity

Workplace Bullying: A Growing Epidemic

Coming Soon:

They're Coming – A novel about an alien invasion

Dragon's Kiss – A novel, an epic fantasy about princesses, warriors, and dragons

School's Out – A novel about secret government interdimensional travel technology

Sins of the Father – A novel about a government conspiracy to assassinate the President
**Zombie Outbreak Survival:** **Get it Right or Die**

by

Van Allen

Published by Screaming Weasel Productions

Copyright 2017 Van Allen

(3/24/2017 Smashwords Version)
