- In spring,
when I was feeling really overwhelmed,
I kept saying, you know,
I really wish there was a tip sheet,
something very simple that kind of lists
and reminds me what are
some simple strategies
that parents can do, that I can do.
And I wanted it in hard copy so badly.
I wanted something that's fits on one page
and I can stick on my refrigerator
and when I'm losing it I can
walk by and be like, huh.
I'm Jelena Obradovic,
I'm an associate professor
at the Stanford Graduate
School of Education.
And I'm a developmental
psychologist by training.
You know, at risk of
sounding like a recipe book,
I think there are six themes
that I think parents should keep in mind
as they are setting up to
deal with the new school year
and trying to support their
children distance learning,
and also maintaining the
well-being of the entire family.
The first one is the structure.
Kids really thrive when they
have some predictable routines,
predictable schedule,
when they know where they
need to show up every morning,
they have a consistent place to learn
and they know what's expected from them.
I think we need to model what
teachers sometimes do during
the first few weeks of the
school year in setting up
the values and expectations
and be proactive in kind of
discussing with children,
what kind of behaviors they
expect from their parents,
from their siblings, from themselves.
And I think when we proactively
structure these things,
it's easier then to respond
when things are not working.
You can always reference those
mutually agreed expectations
and kind of tie your
consequences to the values
that you all came together about.
The other thing, at the same time,
while the routine and structure is
really, really important,
you want to be flexible about this.
During these times that
are very challenging
and there are overlapping crises,
we have to remember that
it's about the effort,
that it's about progress,
that it's not about perfection
and that we need to account for children
potentially regressing a
little bit in their skills
and their behaviors.
And so reminding yourself
that everybody's trying to do
their best and revisiting
these structures and schedules
and routines to ensure
they're really, you know,
helping everybody and
satisfying everybody's needs.
During the time that children
don't have a lot of control
over when their schools are going to open,
who they can see,
how they can play,
where they can go,
it is really important to create
some opportunities for them
to foster their independent
skills and agency.
There's a lot of things that, you know,
when you're stressed out,
it's easier to just do it
for your kid or to answer,
you know?
And so I think it's really
helpful in this situation,
if we can,
to ask them, well, you
know, you can't, you know
your child can come to you and say,
I can't find something, you know,
and rather than going to find it for them,
you can be like,
well, where did you look?
Where would you look next?
What could you do to help yourself? Right?
You can even create a
little chart and be like,
don't bug me if I'm working
until you've tried three
different things, right.
Or I think preparing snacks
is another great thing, right?
We kind of,
some of the parents are just
in the mode of making lunches
for your kids.
And yet being able to go get a snack
or prepare the lunch can be empowering.
Preparing the snack or
lunch for a younger sibling
can also feel empowering.
You know, creating opportunities
for them to be helpful
with household chores is
also giving them agency,
giving them independence and they see it,
they see that they're contributing.
And so I think the situations
that are full of what we call
uncontrollable stressors,
stressors over which we have no control,
really ask for these opportunities
where children can be in control
and they see a positive
impact on their families.
At the same time, when kids
are stressed and upset,
they may act out
and we need to help them name the feelings
and why they're acting out,
why they're struggling
and give them opportunities
to understand their feelings.
I think when those feelings get too big,
it's important to know that
there are simple strategies
to calm your stress physiology.
So sometimes three deep breaths,
but if they're truly deep,
you know, can really calm somebody's body.
If you're overwhelmed as a parent,
closing your eyes,
counting to 10,
or just even simply genuinely
telling your kid, you know,
"I want to help you right
now, but I'm too upset."
And "I just need a breather,
I'll be right back"
can go a long way rather
than just muscling
through a stressful, challenging
conflictual situation,
kind of feeling all ramped up.
So put putting yourself in a
better place physiologically
to be able to come there
and come up with a solution
is really important.
You know,
it's stressful and we have
to deal with the stressors,
but we also have to amplify the positive,
joyful experiences in our lives.
And it may feel like a lot,
who can suddenly create
these positive experiences?
But they can be just small
and they can count for so much.
So sometimes it can be a
simple ritual in a morning.
It could be a silly
greeting that, you know,
every member of the family
can come up with every day.
It could be a family
sing along or a dance,
or maybe it's a joke of
day, but something that,
you know,
brings you together and make you laugh.
Every evening,
you know, as you tuck in your kids to bed,
it doesn't take a long time to say,
Hey, what are your three
highlights of that day?
You know, what are some experiences that
maybe I missed because I worked all day?
What did you value?
And sometimes just talking
about positive things,
you ensure that that's what they remember
rather than the all the
negative and all the stressors.
And there are sometimes
really sweet moments.
Like, I'll sit down with my 5-year-old
and he'll say, "This moment right now,"
and that just that 30
seconds fuels me so much
to continue going and continue coping.
So creating, amplifying
these little things,
sometimes 15 minutes,
20 minutes of uninterrupted time,
playing a game,
or just letting the kids
lead you in an activity,
whether that is pretending
to be a cat or a tiger,
or doing a puzzle or playing a game,
it speaks volumes in terms of creating
that sense of belonging
and that connection that is
hard when we're multitasking
and constantly just
getting through the day.
So the last thing, I really
think all of us parents,
especially working parents or any parents
that are dealing with multiple demands
forget is to ask for support.
And to take time to
address our own well-being.
Unless we can help ourselves,
it's going to be much more challenging
to support your children.
And so taking breaks,
recharging,
doing something special for yourself.
It's not just a treat, it's
really a part of wellness
and part of mental health.
And so knowing how to take
a break or treat yourself
or set some time separately, just for you,
it goes a long way in recharging
so that you can support your kids.
And asking for help sometimes
feels like hard or a lot,
or we just forget.
But knowing that teachers
are there to support you,
knowing that you can talk with them,
learn from them,
ask them for help.
And then again, you know,
everybody in the family
can really pitch in.
These are not new tips.
These are not new strategies.
They're just things we
sometimes forget to do.
And they may not work at first,
like schedule may not work at first,
may completely backfire,
but it's worth trying again.
And sometimes they may not work at all
or for some families.
And so I think,
I really don't want it
to come across as a cure
because it's not,
it's just kind of small ways
in which we can just get by
and try again.
And it's a place where we can start.
One thing that I like to
kind of remind myself,
and I think the best part about parenting,
is that every day it's another
[Opportunity] to try again.
Right?
And so, you know, yeah, you
can, you can worry about,
Oh my gosh,
I yelled at my kid
or I really didn't want to do it this way.
Or, you know, this wasn't appropriate,
And then you just remind
yourself that like,
okay, well, it's fine.
Let's do it better tomorrow.
Research kind of reminds
you that, you know,
don't obsess about one thing
and don't get too stressed
out about one single decision
because when we measure parenting
over a longer period of time,
and then we predict children outcomes,
yes, it matters,
but there's so much flexibility
and so much room for doing fine,
even in a context of adversity.
