 - I brought my purse
 out here because I'm,
 want to show you all
 that I'm very proud
 that I could afford
 it and because
I don't know these motherfuckers
and comedians steal.
  (laughing)
  Okay, first of all my name
  is Bob the Drag Queen,
  I'm a drag, Wooo!
(cheering and clapping)
 So I was on a reality
 television show,
 it's called RuPaul's
 Drag Race, right?
  (cheering)
 Yeah.
  (cheering)
 Yeah, but here's the thing,
 has anyone here been
 on a reality TV show?
 Good, okay, just me.
  (laughing)
 Okay so I won, I won the show.
  (cheering)
This guy goes, she won?
  (laughing)
What did the other
motherfuckers look like?
  (laughing)
 So I won $100,000 and
 it was on TV, okay,
 yeah, I know.
  You're saying wow because
  you live in Austin.
  Bitch I live in Manhattan.
  (laughing)
 I won $100,000 three
 fucking years ago
and people still think I
have money, okay listen,
  that is not how
  that works, okay.
  I use to live in Alabama.
 If I still lived in Alabama,
 there'd be like, what,
 three houses and a trust
 fund for generations to come.
  (laughing)
 I live in Manhattan, that's
 like three vodka sodas
 in like a splurge at
 the Cheesecake Factory
 with my friends, you
 know what I mean?
  (laughing)
I live in New York City,
which means I think
 I'm better than you
  (laughing)
and I'm gay, which means
I AM better than you.
  (laughing)
  And New Yorkers, we're all
  like New York is the best
  city in the world.
 We always say that New York
 is the best city in the world.
It's the best city in the world.
  Like on a postcard, but if
  you're in New York City,
  there is no fucking proof.
  First of all the
  weather is shitty
 nine months out of the year.
It smells like garbage
on every street you turn
and I always say, you think
you know what piss smells like,
  and then you move
  to New York City.
  (laughing)
 Like oh, that what piss smells
 like, this is news to me.
I also, the most
interesting thing to me
 about being a big drag, I'm
 a big, big lady all right.
  I'm what they call
  in Harlem, an SLW,
  a suspiciously
  large woman, okay.
  (laughing)
So more than anything it's been
 like the interactions
 that I have,
 are there any other queers
 here, queers make some noise.
  (cheering)
 Can I say, this is the best
 time in the world to be queer.
I'm so excited.
  Being queer is the
  best fucking thing
  that every happened to me.
 I walk around with like power.
  I walk around like
  yeah motherfucker.
  (laughing)
 That's right, motherfucker.
 Cause everyone knows nowadays,
 you can't say anything
remotely sideways about queers.
 If you even slightly
 inconvenience a
 queer person on TV,
100 male ballet dancers
will show up outside
  your fucking job
  and pas de bourree
  until you come
  downstairs and apologize.
(cheering and clapping)
 Like did you make fun
 of my dogs wedding?
Pas de bourree, pas de bourree.
  (laughing)
 I douched and you canceled?
Pas de bourree, pas de bourree.
 Are there any straight guys,
 this is a stupid question,
 are there any
 straight guys here?
  (laughing)
  It's just silent.
  I also love how diminutive
  straight guys are getting.
 Like 10 years ago, straight
 buys here, woo, woo, woo.
 Now they're like, yeah, uh.
  (laughing)
  I love how stupid straight
  guys always sound.
  Like listen to me, this in
  my opinion, queer people
are smarter than
straight people.
 It's just my opinion.
It's my opinion!
  (laughing)
 And I also think that women
 are just smarter than men.
  It's true.
  (cheering)
 Which essentially makes
 lesbians the smartest people
 on the planet.
  (cheering)
  Which is probably
  why I'm probably
  going to vote for
  Elizabeth Warren.
  (laughing)
 Oh, she's a fucking lesbian,
  if I've ever seen
  one in my life.
 She would eat a pussy like it
 had an expiration date, okay.
  (laughing)
 I got to eat all
 this pussy tonight,
  it could go bad tomorrow.
  (laughing)
 Are there any straight girls
 here who love gay guys?
  (cheering)
You're cheering for her.
  (laughing)
 You look adorable, actually.
 What I've learned is this too,
  cause there is like really
  sacred, like super strong
 connection between straight
 girls and gay guys.
 We've been there
 forever, you remember.
 Amanda, Becky,
 Miranda, I don't know.
  (laughing)
I was so close.
  (laughing)
  What's your name?
- [Audience Member] Mary
  - I was so close!
  (laughing)
  Now we've been there for
  each other, you remember,
 you took me to prom, thanks.
  (laughing)
 I told you bangs
 aren't for everyone.
  (laughing)
I see someone here needs to
hear that message again tonight.
  (laughing)
 If you are like a straight
 guy and you have a girlfriend
 who loves gay guys and goes
 to drag shows all the time,
  I can promise you
  with certainty,
 I have seen a
 picture of your dick.
  Yes, bitch, I promise you
because that is the
agreement that we have.
  That is what it is because
  look at it right now,
 gay guys, we are pigs,
 we are disgusting.
Just because you're gay
doesn't mean you stop
 being fucking nasty as hell.
 Gay guys, we trade dick pics
 like trading cards, okay.
  (laughing)
 We all go looking
 like Pokemon cards.
  (laughing)
 Carl, I choose you.
  (laughing)
 And like whenever a straight
 girl, like shows you pictures
 from vacation, they're
 like look at my phone,
 peruse through it, I
 have nothing to hide.
  (laughing)
 Gay guys are like,
 I'll hold the phone.
  (laughing)
  Don't swipe left,
  don't swipe right.
  (laughing)
 Bitch, look at the
 picture on the phone.
  (laughing)
You can get into the
pentagon before you get
 into a gay man's phone, boy I
 tell you that right now, girl.
  (laughing)
 And also everyone's
 like what's the best
 advice you can get
 from your gay friends?
 I'm going to tell
 you that right now.
 This the the truth,
 this is the T.
 There is nothing, let
 me tell you right now,
 I'm just speaking for myself,
 this is just me and
 my opinion okay,
 but if you come to me and you
 want tips on how to suck dick,
 bitch I will change your life.
  (cheering)
  Let me tell you right now,
  (laughing)
 you listening to me, sister,
 I don't know why they
 call it a blowjob
 cause it doesn't feel
 like work to me, okay.
  (laughing)
I always say, honestly,
if you're sucking dick
 and it looks anything
 like you've ever seen
in a porn, you're
already doing it wrong.
 If you're like
  (laughing)
 Sucking dick should
 always feel a little
bit embarrassing, okay.
  (laughing)
 Sucking dick should be like
 eating buffalo wings, bitch.
You're eyes should be watering,
  (laughing)
 you're nose should be running
  (laughing)
 (lip flapping)
  (laughing)
 (lip flapping)
  (laughing)
 I'm good, I'm good,
 I'm good, I'm good
  (laughing)
 I've also, so because
 I won $100,000 on TV,
listen I have Gay-DD, my brain,
  I have this speech
  impediment too
 where I can't shut the
 fuck up half the time.
  (laughing)
 So because I won $100,000
 on TV like three years ago,
people still think I
have money to this day,
  which is not true,
but I have been able to
do a few nice things.
  Bought myself this purse.
 I also bought my mom an iPad,
but because my mom is woman
born in the 60's in Mississippi,
  she doesn't know how to
  use it so she gave it away
 to my cousin, who
 gave it to her son.
 Then my cousin calls me in a
 panic, she is freaking out.
 She's like what do I do,
 what do I do, what do I do?
  I was like what is wrong.
 She's like my son is
 looking at porn on the iPad,
 what do I do?
 I was like leave
 him the fuck alone.
  (laughing)
Leave him alone.
  Do not give him a complex.
 Do not fuck with
 that little nigger.
  Leave him the fuck alone.
  (laughing)
 More than anything,
 I was just jealous,
because my little cousin
will never know the rush
 of jacking off on
 the family computer,
  (laughing)
 at 2:00 am.
  (laughing)
The picture's loading like this.
  (laughing)
 On dial up and this is great
 if you're looking for titties,
  but if you're waiting for
  dick, it's a long road
to glory, bitch.
  (laughing)
  (beeping)
