Hello hello, welcome to Hippo Dad.
What happened to the intro?
We don’t have time for an intro.
The internet said if I can’t hook the audience
in less than 15 seconds then they leave.
I don't have a choice, you have to hook 'em quick.
You’ve already wasted 13 seconds.
FUCK!
Man, my wife is super addicted to true crime
shows.
You know what I’m talking about.
It’s those short murder documentaries that
play non-stop on the ID network.
I’ve probably seen at least a hundred of
these shows by now.
Most of these stories follow a very similar
pattern.
Girl meets guy, guy turns out to be crazy,
girl tries to get away, man flips out and
kills her.
Maybe throw in some bonus points if they’re
married and there’s life insurance fraud.
I’d say roughly 95% of these stories play
out this way.
Anyway, a few weeks ago my wife approached
me with one particular episode that she saved
to our DVR.
This particular episode stood out over the
rest, so guess what, we’re doing a video on it.
Let’s jump on in!
Colmesneil is a tiny hamlet in east Texas.
Home to 500 people who consider it their own
private Mayberry.
Our story begins in Bumbfuck, Texas.
How the hell can a town function with only
600 people?
We are then introduced to the Westfalls.
Paul Westfall, the father of the family, recently
moved to the small Texas town after suffering
from a major stroke.
Man, that church is small as hell.
It looks a lot like the church from The Preacher.
Come on Texas, you guys are in the Bible belt.
Don’t you think God deserves better?
That looks more like a drug den than a church.
The family lives only a few miles from the
church, so naturally they become very invested
in the small town and it’s community.
The mother Litha enjoys teaching Sunday school,
but their daughter Kristen has other interests.
Man, I got a bad feeling about this.
Kristen might as well be walking around with
a huge bullseye on her face.
Being an attractive and flirtatious woman
in a true-crime series is about as dangerous
as opening a kissing booth in Wuhan.
Hey y’all.
What are y’all doing tonight?
You’re coming to my house.
Party.
Free beer.
Kristen had her own separate house and that
was the party pad.
That’s where it went down so to speak.
Kristen!
It’s time to shut the party down.
You have school tomorrow.
Mama.
If you’re going to have sex with that boy
tonight yo make sure you take your pill.
Mama!
That is enough!
What is wrong with you?!
Haha, way to go, mom.
She knows what’s up.
Sorry, mom, Kristen’s going to need a lot
more than a pill to safeguard her from those
extracurricular activities.
Half of them didn’t even use a condom.
Don’t you stupid kids know the disseases
you can catch?
Hand me that evidence bag.
And there’s talk around town that the Westfall’s
are far from holy.
Sometime’s Kristen slept in the same bed
with Paul and Letha.
I’m going to bed.
Rumors abounded about Kristen and her father
Paul's relationship.
Many friends thought that it was an oddly
close relationship, but not in a father-daughter way.
More in a lover way.
Oh shit, I didn’t see that coming.
Turns out that Kristen and her father are
a little too close.
I bet she knows how many licks it takes to
get to the center of a tootsie roll pop.
Come on mom, don’t forget to remind her
about the pill.
We are then introduced to Nathan.
Don’t be taken in by his good looks and
million dollar smile, men in these shows are
ticking time bombs.
He found his niche doing construction work.
He was working toward trying to get it right
and take care of his responsibilities.
He wanted a family.
Based on my experience with these shows, Kristen’s
probably going to get power bombed into a
wood chipper.
I got my eyes on you Nathan.
Nathan had told a friend, “I need to get
laid”
And the friend said, “Oh, I know just the person and just the place.”
Oh man, that’s a bad sign.
Nathan might want to get his condoms blessed
by the local preacher before dumpster diving
with Kristen.
The whole town’s been running roughshod
on her for a while now.
She’s basically the town Ditto at this point.
Hey Nathan, when you’re done with her let
me see if she’ll fuck my Charizard.
I’m trying to collect all of the Kanto starters.
It was almost like she won the lottery with
a guy.
When Nathan met Kristen, he pretty much fell
head over heels for her.
Which is the turning point.
Kristen calmed herself down.
She went to college.
I’m off to work.
Ok.
Working for a Lawyer in Lufkin.
Letha was very happy with Kristen, that she
had straightened her life out.
Letha told me, “You know, thank God Donna,
you know those bad days are over with.”
On April 8th, 2006, after two years of dating,
Nathan and his 22-year-old bride exchange vows.
They all seemed like a happy family right
there together.
Nathan would help Letha with whatever needed
to be done, because Paul was unable to do it.
But he saw that Paul kept his dignity.
Mmmmm...I know Nathan is probably a ticking
time-bomb, but even I’m almost fooled.
But three months into the marriage, Kristen’s
insecurities begin to poison their wedded bliss.
So, Kristen takes it upon herself to knock
Nathan down a peg or two.
Naturally, he was proud of the work, and he
brought Kristen by to show it to her.
Come on, tell me what you think.
If you ask me, it looks like the same old
raggedy shack.
You don’t even have a licence to do this
kind of work.
Kristen, come on.
What a bitch!
He doesn’t need a license, the town has
like 500 people in it.
Who gives a shit?
Kristen didn’t have a license to open a
sperm bank, but that didn’t stop her from
collecting samples from everyone in town.
Three years into the marriage Kristen’s
dark side grows stronger still.
With the birth of their child, Mattie Nichole
in 2009.
Nathan, I don’t want that!
It’s time to feed her.
What the fuck Kristen, “I don’t want got
no time for no damn baby!”
I’m starting to have a bad feeling about
her.
She’ll open an all-you-can-eat pussy buffet
for everyone in Texas, but you can’t spare
five minutes to feed your daughter?
Maybe if y’all dressed the baby up like
a little frat boy douchebag then you could
trick her into breastfeeding.
Why dontcha just take that baby down to mama’s?
I don’t want to be stuck at home all night
just because of her.
If you want to go, then go.
I’m not leaving Mattie.
Fine.
Ugh, what a shit mom.
Good on Nathan for being a good daddy.
I’ve been with my wife for a while now,
so I know how important personal space and
“me time” is, especially with kids in
the picture.
Sometimes you just gotta unwind.
Just let Nathan watch the baby so she can
go out and grab a few drinks with the girls.
I’m sure a little breathing room and time
to reflect will help her relax and process
her thoughts.
Kristen’s insatiable need for attention
sends her to the outskirts of town and alone.
Into the company of some of the most unsavory
characters around.
There were quite a few rumors that Kristen
was sleeping with members of the Aryan Brotherhood.
They are a white supremisist gang.
Holy shit, she ran off to fuck nazis!
What the fuck Kristen?
She was supposed to go unwind and have some
me time, not become the Aryan Brotherhood’s
slam pig.
They’re pretty relevant in deep east Texas.
For two years, Nathan is in the dark about
his wife's extracurricular activities.
How the hell do you go two years without noticing
that your wife is sleeping with Nazi’s?
Come on Nathan, you didn’t think it was
weird she kept coming home smelling like tiki
torch fuel?
You didn’t think all of those random confederate
flag boxers and MAGA hats in her car weren’t
suspicious?
Meanwhile, Kristen starts spinning tales of
domestic abuse about Nathan to turn her parents
and brother against him.
This makes Letha, Paul, and Cameron all the
more protective of now two year old little
Mattie.
Oh God, now she’s lying about domestic abuse?
If anyone’s gonna knock this bitch out it’s
Captain America.
One punch from the Cap would make Kristen
explode into a fine mist of blood and nazi cum.
That gave Kristen the excuse to do what she
wanted to do.
When he got back, he was met with a divorce
and restraining order.
And the best way to hurt Nathan was to take
his child away from him.
Man, you know shit’s gone south in your
life when you get served divorce papers by
Larry the Cable Nazi.
He even gave the teddy bear back.
Jesus, this whole scene is like watching the
end of ConAir in reverse.
OK, hug over.
Alright, you go and give that bunny back to
daddy now.
I guess it’s time for daddy to say goodbye.
I want a divorce.
The papers have already been notarized.
It just has a huge swastika on it.
Help!
This man is attacking me!
Shit, yeah, I'm just gonna bounce.
Wheeeeee!
The planes going backwards now!
Lucky for Nathan, there’s hope just around
the corner.
Oh my God, Krystal!
Nathan?!
How are you?
Krystal met Nathan when she was out with some
girlfriends on a weekend and she had known
him since she was a small child.
There you go, Nathan!
She seems perfect.
I’m surprised she didn’t enter the room
with a bunch of singing animals.
Just make sure she isn't attracted to white
supremacists first.
Just show her a picture of Dylan Roof.
If she moans or bites her lip then you’ll
know to send her ass packin’.
So I heard you got married.
I don’t think your wife would take too kindly
to you being here.
Well, you’re right about me getting married,
but I’m going through a divorce.
Once Krystal and Nathan got together they
weren’t separated.
They seemed to be soul mates.
The kids, all four of Krystal’s kids, called
Nathan Dad and considered him their father.
You’re so good with them.
When am I going to meet your little one?
Ummm...it’s a little complicated.
Well, that’s the understatement of the fucking
century.
Sorry, my daughter is currently being held
hostage by the Red Skull and the rest of Hydra.
I’d try and save her, but I’d have to
cut in front of the long line of skinheads
waiting to fuck my wife.
She was very much a mother, and he very much
wanted to be a daddy.
Two months after Nathan’s divorce, he and
Krystal tied the knot.
But there’s one painful absence on the happy
day.
Krystal was really hurt that little Mattie
couldn’t be a part of this.
God, that pisses me off.
Nathan’s over here with his perfect new
life and his daughter is forced to live with
the Third Reich.
Daddy!
Mattie!
Letha, what a surprise.
Hi, I’m so sorry, I don’t know where Kristen
has run off to.
This little girl, she needs some time with
Daddy right now.
Of course, I’d be happy to.
Alright, good.
You be a good girl, alright sweetie?
Alright.
Just take her and run dude, just...just run.
In August, Maddison was baptized and Letha
and Paul invited Nathan and Krystal and all
of their kids.
I’m glad Kristen’s mother finally came
around.
Even dad seems to have snapped out of it a
bit.
I guess having to take turns with the Aryan
Brotherhood to fuck his daughter gave him
enough time to reflect on his life choices.
Man, that family looks happy as hell.
It’s good that things are starting to work
themselves out.
Nathan deserves to be happy.
It’s been a while, I wonder what Kristen’s
up to.
Meanwhile, Kristen’s life is going off the
rails at high speed.
Kristen Westfall was pulled over, the deputy
noticed a counterfeit bill in Kristen’s wallet.
And they found quite a bit of meth in the
car.
God damnit, Kristen sucks.
Honestly, the meth doesn’t surprise me.
It’s like vitamins for white trash.
I’d have been more shocked if they didn’t
find meth.
The counterfeit money is the real head-scratcher.
Her family is already loaded.
White people already own most of the money,
we don’t have to print the shit.
They found a bunch of legal documents.
Kristen was posing as an attorney's assistant.
She was writing legal briefs and actually
getting these Aryan Brotherhood people out of jail.
Kristen was arrested.
Oh my God, she’s been committing fraud to
help keep the nazis out of jail.
Good to know she was useful to the Aryan
Brotherhood.
They’re lucky, the community pocket pussy
doesn’t usually function as a get out of
jail free card.
So, Kristen gets carted off to jail and loses
custody of her daughter.
Which is awesome, considering she’s a gigantic
piece of shit.
Unfortunately, Kristen is able to return home
shortly afterward.
Soon she figures out that Nathan has been
brought back into the picture.
Being a jealous bitch, she conjures up a foolproof
plan to get rid of him once and for all.
There’s something I haven’t told you.
Nathan molested Mattie.
UUUUUGGHHHH!
This bitch!
This bitch right here.
Haven’t you done enough to Nathan?
First, you lied about him hitting you.Then
you divorced him and took away his daughter.
Now you’re framing him for child molestation?
She is such a piece of shit.
A few days later, Nathan marches to the Legion
of Doom with the hope of spending time with
his daughter for his birthday.
Put her down.
I said put her down Nathan, or I swear I’ll
blow your head off.
Jesus, poor Nathan.
He’s confused as hell.
The situation soon spirals out of control,
as Paul decides to escalate the situation
be retrieving his shotgun from the truck.
Whoa, way to escalate the situation grandpa.
Put that thing away.
You don’t have to play tough, I’m sure
Kristen will let you hump her leg regardless.
Nathan, being a reasonable adult, decides
to flee the scene before getting executed
in front of little Mattie.
Quickly staging the scene for police.
I get over and walk in the house and Paul
is in a full-blown seizure.
The house is torn up pretty bad, things flipped
over and they’re telling me that Nathan
had jumped on Paul and pulled a gun on him
and beat him up pretty bad.
Kristen was there hiding in the bedroom.
The whole family staged an assault!
These mother fuckers walked back into their
house.
Brainstormed a stupid ass plan.
Purposefully trashed their own house.
Homeboy lays on the floor and fakes a seizure
in front of EMT’s.
Then they lie about Nathan breaking into their
house and committing multiple felonies.
And the whole time you have fucking miss Breaking
Bad over here peaking around the corner like
a goddamned cartoon character.
Why would anyone in this town trust this weird
ass stupid family?
It was this incident that Nathan decided to
get an attorney and fight for custody of little Mattie.
I’m gonna get my daughter back, if it’s
the last thing I do.
Brother, you should have done that shit from
the get-go.
In order to help pay attorney's fees, she
planned several fundraisers.
They stripped their house bare.
In December, 2013 the child custody hearing
finally comes around, and everyone in town
is watching.
The hearing turns out to be a small victory
for team Maddox.
Nathan and Krystal are granted supervised
visits at the local church.
Wait, that’s it?
What the fuck Texas.
Grandpa is a gun toting incestious monster.
Kristen is like a goddamned Batman villain.
She already had her daughter taken away after
she got arrested.
How the hell did Nathan not get full custody?
How could a judge look at this beautiful family
with four well adjusted and happy daughters
and not think that it’s a better home for
little Mattie?
No, I’m sure she’ll be better off with
the fucking Squidbillies over here.
Daddy!
We was all really ecstatic over, you know,
we thought the church was her safe haven.
Mattie, you know, that was her environment.
And she felt comfortable there.
Well, they may think that things went their
way, but we got everything we wanted.
The little town of Colmesneil is about to
experience its own Armageddon.
And this time, blood will be shed for real.
You can’t even deal with partial supervised
visits?
God, I hate you so much.
The bliss is short-lived, when Nathan gets
a visit from an old high school buddy.
I came here to warn you.
What do you mean?
Word on the street is that the ABs have a
contract out on you.
What?
Aryan Brotherhood?
Yeah.
My cousin heard that somebody is paying them
5,000 dollars to take you out.
Nathan, if someone tells you the Nazi’s
are coming you fuckin’ do something about it.
The French strategy of feeling out the situation
and hoping for the best isn’t going to end
well in this particular scenario.
When Hitler rose to power there were a lot
of people that just stopped playing.
You know who those people were?
The French.
Are you French, Clyde?
No.
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, Clyde.
All right, all right, I'll do it!
That was very scary for Krystal to know that
her life was in danger and to look out and
see the person who was threatening her life
was so close to her and her children.
Nathan had told me that it felt like they
had tapped his phone.
Oh my God.
She’s right outside their window with a
fucking nazi.
This is bad.
The doomsday clock has been set to one minute
to midnight.
Nathan, bro, buy a gun.
Call Spider-Man.
Do something.
Anything.
Mama, mmmMmm.
Now listen.
My people are on the move to stop Nathan.
They’re monitoring everything.
They have cameras set up in his house and
on his car.
Dear God…
She called the Aryan Brotherhood her people.
How the fuck was this woman not on a terrorist watch list?
At this point I’m surprised she isn’t
running a side hustle with ISIS.
I’m sure they’d love some legal advice
and free blowjobs.
What did you draw?
A picture!
There’s you Auntie Krystal and you daddy.
Ooooh, it sure is.
And who’s this?
That’s me.
I’m holding a flower.
Awwww.
So pretty.
Alright, baby girl, we’ll see
you real soon.
We sure love you, Mattie.
I love you too.
Nathan and Krystal are headed to the babysitters
to pick up Krystal’s four girls.
Bye daddy!
Bye bye sweetheart.
Bye bye.
Sweetie, come here!
Outside lay the bodies of Nathan and Krystal.
Both shot dead.
I am so god damn mad.
Nathan and Krystal are both murdered.
Five children are now orphans.
What an evil and senseless thing to do.
At least Texas still uses the death penalty.
I’d like my white meat extra crispy please.
No!
I am so scared!
I think it could be the Aryan Brotherhood.
In the days following the murders, the Westfalls
tell anyone that will listen that they too
fear for their lives.
The Aryan Brotherhood points to the
Westfalls, saying that Kristen had it out
for Nathan and Krystal.
But there’s still no evidence linking the
family to the crime.
Wa...wait.
Kristen didn’t pay the Nazis to do the murder?
Holy shit.
The white supremacists threw her ass under
the bus.
Man. you know you’re an evil piece of shit
when even the nazis are trying to distance
themselves from you.
How awful are you when even the skinheads
are worried about the safety of the community.
Wait...what the hell happened then?
A witness saw it that morning.
That witness is the church gardener who heard
the shootings and saw the truck speeding away.
After the gardener pins the murder on the
Westfalls, Paul is brought in for questioning.
Paul accused Nathan of sexually abusing little
Mattie.
You daughter fucking evil piece of shit.
That couple’s body isn’t even cold yet
and you’re lying about child molestation.
I hope the state of Texas throws this whole
family off a cliff.
When detectives tell Paul he was seen bolting
from the crime scene, the family patriarch
caves immediately.
Turns out, the entire Westfall family was
involved in the plot.
Detectives finally know what happened that
terrible day.
Oh my God, no!
Hey Nathan!
Boy, didn’t I tell you?
If you came near Mattie I was going to blow
your head off.
You did this boy, not me.
Kill him, daddy.
No, no, no.
Please.
Color me fucking shocked.
Kristen managed to quit sucking racist dick
long enough to do it herself.
I’m just glad the family was too stupid
to actually get away with it.
Good thing the only thing to do for fun in
rural Texas is huff paint.
Kristen, Paul, Letha, and Cameron are all
charged with capital murder and organized
criminal activity.
And Nathan’s mother is awarded custody of
Mattie.
Thank God the kids are going to be ok.
Good job on nailing the whole family, Texas.
Alexa, what sentence did these dumb bastards
get?
The Westfall family was given multiple life
sentences.
Paul Westfal was able to avoid the death penalty
by taking a plea deal.
Damnit.
I was hoping they were going to wheel out
old rusty and hook these fuckers up to the grid.
Don’t feel bad.
It’s Paul’s turn to eat nazi dick in jail.
Haha, good one Alexa.
Is it ok to make fun of prison rape though?
Boohoo.
Fuck that asshole.
I bet he looks really cute in a dress.
Nice.
What do you think his favorite position is?
He’s from Texas, so probably in his asshole.
Damn bitch.
Hey, I looked online.
The Texas Tribune said Kristen is projected
to be released on January 1st, 5555.
God damn son.
Yeah, you’ll probably be the only one still
around when she gets out.
I think she’ll make it though.
Nazi jizz is said to have incredible anti-aging
properties.
Really?
It’s really the only way to explain why
Ann Coulter looks so young despite being an
ancient bog witch.
Well, that does it for this week's episode
of Hippo Dad.
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