Hi everybody, this is Cheryl
Richardson. Welcome to the
New Year. Welcome to 2019 and a little session on
Self-Care for the New Year.
Let's say that, shall we?
It's good to be back. I haven't been here
for a couple of weeks now with the
holidays and things were a little crazy.
So it's good to be back here with you.
And I'll wait a couple of minutes before
I get started to give you a
chance to say hello and to join. Welcome
Elif, welcome. I'm glad you're here and hi
Kathy
and Kate, welcome to you. And hi Stephanie,
Happy New Year to you, too.
And Joel, welcome. Yeah, it has been a long
time I know, I know. I'm
glad to be back and really looking
forward to talking with all of you. Hi
Becky, glad you're here, too. Yeah and feel
free to tell me where you're from.
Also it's nice to hear where
people are from as well. Hi Julie, welcome.
Happy New Year. And Gretchen, hi. I'm glad
you're here. too.
Gretchen is a top fan. I know Facebook has
been doing this Top Fan heading now and
I appreciate all of you. And
I also appreciate those who are Top
Fans. It must mean we interact a lot. Hi
Kristina, welcome to you. And Diane from Plum Island. My Plum Island like up here
Plum Island? Welcome to you.
Hi Mary and Shaf, welcome. Happy New Year.
Hi Shiara or Chiara from Italy, welcome. Hi
Lisa,
glad you're here. Another Top Fan. Hi
Janice from Tennessee and Stephanie from
the UK. I am coming to the UK, Stephanie. I
don't know. You know, I should
think about that. I'm
planning to come there for vacation and
for a visit because I love the UK
so much. But I suppose I could talk to
Hay House or, oh gosh, Alternatives about
maybe doing a talk while I'm there. It would
be nice to do that. I haven't spoken in
the UK in a while and I would really
love to do that. So thanks for reminding
me. I'll make a little note. Let me make a
note, actually. UK visit/talk. Yeah and
then I hope you'll come, Stephanie. Hi
Debbie, welcome from Florida. And Vinessa
from London, one of my favorite places.
Laurie from Buffalo, cold place. And
Helen from Australia, welcome to you. I
was just reading last night. Just before
Christmas I told you all about Sy
Montgomery's new book, How To Be a Good
Creature: A Memoir in Thirteen Animals. and
She's just this amazing woman. She wrote
The Good Good Pig and The Soul of an
Octopus. And I saw Sy last week for
lunch
and we were talking about her incredible
travels and her work with animals. And I
was just reading in her book last night,
Helen, she was in Adelaide, Australia,
I think researching emus. I want to say
emus? Emus. And she writes about them so
beautifully. Maybe you want to see what they
look like.
Anyway, welcome to you. And hi Kate. Yeah
Kate, you're coming to the Stage Neck? Great.
Yeah, we're about to announce our next
retreat, which is going to happen in
April, the weekend of the 12th through
the 14th. And again, I'm going to be joined
by Russ Hudson for this one because
we're going to be using the tool of the
Enneagram and our work together. And
really, this retreat, all of them
are different and they're all about
dealing with the people who are there
and what's going on in their lives. So
they're kind of customized in that way.
This one, the kind of loose focus is
on: Getting Out of Your Own Way, really
looking at the behaviors and patterns
that you want to shift and the
relationships you want to improve and
whatever challenges you're
faced with. Seeing them as a gift and
working with them so that you are able
to not only deal with them but to learn
and grow from them. But as
those of you who have been to the
retreats know, it really is about dealing
with just being present for the people
who show up and supporting them and
whatever challenges they're faced with.
Then whatever goals and dreams
they want to accomplish. So that's
what we're all about. We have a
great time. The Stage Neck is a beautiful
place. Russ is a really, really wise
teacher. He's the world's leading expert
on the Enneagram and it's a
personality typing system that really
captures the spiritual essence of who
people are. I can't recommend it enough.
I'll put a link to a place where
you can take a test to find out your
type. There are nine different types. I'll
put a link in the post here when we're
done. Terry, will you let me know if you're
here so that I know if you're capturing
that. I'll make a note, too. So anyway, yeah,
the retreats are, they're really
life-changing for people who show up and
fully play full out and are
really ready to make positive changes in
their lives. And we have a lot of fun. We
laugh a lot and the ocean is gorgeous.
We've got the open ocean on one
side and we have the harbor on
the other side. The sunsets are beautiful,
you know it's just a beautiful place.
I like beauty as you all probably know
by now.
Hi Anne, welcome from California who's at
lunch. I hope you're having something
yummy. And hi Pennie and Gayla from
Phoenix and Katherine from South Haven,
Missouri it looks like. I don't have my glasses
on and Maria from Black Mountain, North
Carolina. Hi Phillip from Liverpool,
welcome to you. And Nancy Powers, hi. And
Michelle Richardson, you're a namesake. I
wonder if we're related. Anyway, thank you
all for being here. I'm really glad that
you are. And I think I've
posted here on Facebook every year. I
guess in some ways it's probably because
of the stage that I'm in in life. But I
find myself really
resisting goal-setting and resolutions
in the beginning of the year. I guess in
a lot of ways what I wanted to just talk
a little bit about and then I'll open up
for your questions and support you in
any way I can, I want to talk about what
happens when we reach this sort of
midpoint of life, whatever that is. Or
when we reach a milestone or a time in
life when we begin to question things.
Now, this can happen for some people in
their late 20s, early 30s and then it can
also happen as we reach 50 where we
start to make a shift, a shift from
pursuing goals, striving for success,
pushing ourselves and driving hard. We
make a shift from that if you're
practicing good self-care, from that way
of operating to allowing life to lead.
That's the way I'll say it. Allowing yourself to
focus more on being present, becoming a
receptacle for wisdom, scheduling quiet
time, cultivating a practice of presence,
meditation, however you want to define
that. But you start,  I find that
I've reached a point in life where I
want what's next for me to pull me
toward it instead of me trying to push
or strive or drive toward something. Does
that makes sense? And the way to be able
to hear what life is saying, the way to
be able to, yeah, thank you for the hearts.
That's actually really helpful when I
say, Does that make sense?,
when you press the hearts or
the thumbs up. I guess it's our
best way of interacting with one another,
right? So there's just a way in which we
grow tired or weary of pushing and
striving all the time, driving to make
things happen. A lot of you understand
what I'm talking about.
And we're invited to trust life more, to
trust our higher wisdom more, to trust
our intuition and to trust space more and patience
and the creation of time and our
schedules. You know, we're more interested
in really becoming a chalice,
becoming a receptacle for not only our
own higher wisdom but remembering that
our own higher wisdom is connected to
the higher energy of the Universe, the
Grace, if you
will. I call it Grace with a capital G.
We're connected to this higher energy
that leads us, that's always trying to
lead us, that's always communicating with
us in some fashion. The question is: Are
you present enough to hear that
communication, right? When you are, when
you slow down, when you refuse to rush,
when you start paying attention, when you
sit your butt in a chair and close your
eyes and get quiet and tell your mind
that it needs to just, that you are the
boss of it, instead of the mind being the
boss of you. That your soul, who you
really are, I always think of it as the
Higher Self behind me.
Your soul is going to run the show. And that
you're going to train your mind. You're
going to shape it to become an ally by
teaching it to be present, to get quiet
and to listen so that you can connect
more with what really matters to you.
And from that place you make
better choices and decisions. So there is
a way in which midlife invites us to
trust life and to trust ourselves to
trust a deeper part of ourselves. It
invites us to live more vertically than
horizontally. I know sometimes
I just feel so pushed and pulled and
distracted by the horizontal callings of
life: the appointments that have to be
made, the phone calls that have to be responded to,
the email that has to be responded to,
the commitments that we have, the work
obligations, the relationships that we
have. And I think, I'll say as a woman, and
I think it's true for a lot of women,
it's probably true for men maybe in a
bit of a different way, I find myself
more and more in need of time alone.
Unstructured time alone where I'm not
being pulled in multiple directions
because I appreciate spontaneity and I
appreciate peace and flow and
synchronicity. And as I wrote in
yesterday's blog, I write a blog every
week usually about something that's
happening in my life. And as I wrote in
yesterday's blog, the chance to witness
the miracles that happen every single
day in life to every one of us. Whether
you believe it or not, there are
extraordinary things happening in your
life every day all around you. The
question is: Are you there?
That's the question. Are you there? And
yesterday over the weekend I was there
when I looked outside and something
caught my eye. And I moved to the window
and I saw a deer, a doe, a big whitetail doe
leaping in place, just leaping up and
dropping down and leaping up and
dropping down. I thought, What the heck is
going on? And when I looked out the
window I sat there patiently looking,
trying to figure out why he or she was
just leaping. All of a sudden
this big red fox crested the hill just
beyond her and I realized they were
playing with one another. The fox would
move in a little bit and she'd back off
and then come back in and leap much like
a dog or a cat would do. And they went
back and forth like that for a while. And
I stopped what I was doing. I thought,
Nothing's more important than this
moment. I want to be here for it. It's a
miracle. How often, I've never seen a
doe and a fox play with one another
before and I sat there for five or ten
minutes and watched them do that. And
then the doe leapt over a stone wall
right next to our house. It's
amazing how high these little beings can
fly, leapt over a stone wall. And
the fox sort of looked, moved forward a
little bit, looked again, and then all of
a sudden went over the stone wall as well.
And it was just magical.
And honestly, I'm telling you, those are
the things that I want to be present for
in life, those magical moments that
remind me that this world can be an
extraordinary place when we're present
for it. And given all of the craziness
that's going on in the world right now
we need to be able to carve out our own
little piece of heaven now and then in
order to stay sane and present and to be
able be a good influence on the
planet. So anyway, I'm looking at, I see
all of you posting here. Yeah,
I haven't been here for a while. I'm back!
Anyway, I just want to say I really want
you to think about what it would be like
to instead of worrying about your own
mission or vision or goals or
resolutions, what would it be like to
allow life to lead you? To let a vision,
to get quiet enough to connect with the
things that really move you, excite you,
are important to you, matter to you. To
get quiet enough to connect with those
things in such a way that life gets a
very clear message that you want to
energize these things and it begins to
bring opportunities your way. Now, that
might sound a little woowoo and crazy
but all you have to do is try it. And
then pay attention to the unexpected
email you get or the phone call or the
animal that shows up in your backyard. I
know one of my intentions is to connect
more with the wild world and I love how,
just today, this afternoon, I was at the
kitchen sink. I was making a cup of tea
and I was washing a few dishes and I
always look out the window. And I live in
the country and I was looking out at
the beginnings of a squirrel's nest
that were outside. And suddenly I looked
to the left and something red caught my
eye. And I saw this giant, and I mean
giant
woodpecker I've never seen before. It had to
be like, God, like a foot tall.
Like that tall. It must have
been a foot tall, bright flaming red head
and it was knocking on one of
the trees. And I thought, Oh my God, I ran
and grabbed my camera. I did get a
picture of it. I'll post it on Facebook
or on Instagram. I got a picture of it
and I thought, Boy, if
I hadn't stayed there in that moment and
just stared outside. And instead of
worrying about what do I need to do next,
what needs to be done now,
instead of having a game plan in my
head about the next 17 things that I'm
going to accomplish, whether it's loading
the dishwasher or sending an email or
doing an errand, whatever it is. I know
you women know what I'm talking about.
Instead of putting my energy there I
decided to actually just be present and
look out the window and notice what was
in my environment. And so I decided to be
there. And that's what I'm saying to you.
I want you to decide to be present in
your life, to be here, to be here now as
they say, right?
Life is just waiting to unfold herself
at your feet, to share with you some
really beautiful things and all you need
to do is keep your eyes open. Keep them
peeled. Look around. Whether you live in a
city or the country, it doesn't matter. I've
seen some beautiful, beautiful sights in
the city. A mother cuddling her little
child or a couple kissing in a corner
somewhere. You know, you just want to be
there, that's what you want. Anyway,
all right. And I do want to say, too, along
with the retreat that's coming up in
April, we're announcing it
this week to the wait list. So if you go
to Cheryl Richardson.com and click on
"Retreat," if you're interested to find out
first put yourself on the wait list. The
retreat I did with Russ last year sold
out pretty quickly. So put yourself on
the wait list and you'll get an email
this week, probably on Thursday. And
that's going out before everybody else gets
notified. That's number one. And then
number two, there was something else I
was going to say to you. What was it? It went
right out of my head. Okay, it'll come
back to me. So here's what I want to
say, though. I want to invite you to post
a question, anything I can support you
with in terms of any kind of coaching I
can provide you with. You can post it in
here. And if you do post a question be
sure to copy it because Facebook
doesn't let me go back. And the posts go
by pretty quickly, so I might miss your
question. If you post a question and I
don't answer, it's because I didn't see
it or it flew by me. So just feel free to
post it again in the comments section.
It's perfectly fine to do that. And I'm
just going to look here at some of your
messages. Yeah, Heather says: For this
year I dug out my Best Year of Your Life
Kit. From Debbie Ford, right? Yeah, oh yeah. I
remember Debbie's voice when leading the
weekly community calls and only met her
once during one of her retreats. Yeah, her
The Best Year of Your Life,
I forget the title of the book. But the
Best Year Yet kit is a really
great kit as well. She was just so
brilliant. She is so brilliant.
Hi Judy, welcome to you. And Cath, welcome.
I'm glad you're here. So let's see.
Stephanie says: Putting so much pressure
on myself often stops me in my tracks
and makes me feel overwhelmed. Really
good point, Stephanie. That's what we do.
We put a lot of pressure on ourselves. I
do it all the time. I catch myself doing
it. Often, if I'm feeling off, if my mood
starts to plummet I say to myself: What's
going on? Where are you putting pressure
on yourself? It's a really good question
to ask. Where am I putting pressure on
myself? Pressure is meant for tires,
people, not for human beings. And so yeah,
better to flow and allow and enjoy daily
joy. Yesterday for me was watching a tiny
bubble float around me as I was washing
up. That's great.
It seemed to float around me for a good
five minutes. Yeah, that's what I mean
about being there. We can find joy in
really simple things. Thanks, Bonnie says,
my time with you is a little
slice of "me" time. Good. I'm glad it is.
I'm glad it is. All right, I'm scrolling
through. Let's see. Looking for your
questions, anything I can help you with.
Oh yeah, so Jan says: My mother is very ill
with cancer. I'm struggling to accept it.
I'm struggling to be positive in any way
right now. You know, believe it or not Jan,
one of the things that's going to help
you is embracing what you're feeling
right now. So instead of, you don't want
to struggle all the time, of course. And
it's really smart to look for things
like sometimes even just reading a good
book to get lost in or to get some
inspiration from or talking to a close
friend or walking in nature. Those
things are important. And at the
same time it's a hard thing to accept.
It's really hard when a loved one is
really sick, Jan, and in some ways, excuse
me, we also want to embrace the reality
of how hard it is. The tough things we go
through in life forge gold. They make us
stronger. They help us to grow. They teach
us that we have what it takes to get
through anything. They also teach us to
really appreciate the preciousness of
life. And what you really want
right now more than anything, Jan, is to
take really good care of yourself
and to be as present with your mom as
you can. And don't be afraid to have the
tough conversations. I don't know if
she's ready for that, it's hard when the
person who's really sick isn't ready for
tough conversations. But if she invites
conversations about the preciousness of
life and her fragility do your best to
be open to those conversations and get
good support. I'm going to put you right in
my prayer book, sweetheart. The good ol'
red book. You all have heard me talk about
this if you've been with me on Facebook
Live before. I'm going to put you and your
mom, Jan and her mom in the book. And you
know, just reminding yourself: This is
hard. I am struggling. It's supposed
to be hard when we're dealing with our
loved ones who are sick or when we're
losing loved ones. I mean,
those are hard things to deal with,
we can't pretend they're
not. And sometimes trying to pretend
they're not makes it worse, I guess
that's what I'm saying, Jan. So anyway, I'm
sending you a big hug. If you were here I
would give you a big hug, that's what I
would do. Kate says: How do you
learn to feel less guilty when you're
taking more time for yourself even when
other things are in need of your
attention? Things or people? The way that
we learn to feel less guilty is by
feeling guilty. What do I mean by that? I
mean the only way we learn to be with
the discomfort of guilt is by doing
those things that make us feel guilty,
doing them anyway. Feeling the
guilt and doing it anyway. There's a book
I should write: Feel the Guilt and Do It
Anyway, although that could be an
invitation for some dangerous things, I
suppose. But in your case it isn't, Kate,
and for a lot of men and women I deal
with. Narcissists don't come to my
workshops, I often say. So a lot of the
people I deal with need to feel, need to
learn how to be with guilt. I feel guilty
all the time and you know what? I see it
as a sign that I'm doing the right thing,
Kate. And so yeah, sometimes there are
things, I mean right now I could sit here
and give you a list of 20
things that I need to do that should be
done. But then I say life is too
precious to be taking time away from my
own self-care. Of course, I also don't
want to procrastinate but there are
times where I just need to make my self-care
a number-one priority. And you do
too, Kate. And the way you'll get
comfortable with guilt is by getting
used to it. So that means you do things
that make you feel guilty so you get
used to it, okay? It's my best advice for
that for right now anyway.
Let's see. Yeah, yeah. Mary says:
New for me this year is caring for my
mother with Alzheimer's. I'm just
realizing that helping her now extends
to me, helping all the people she helps.
Okay, let's say that differently, Mary.
This is really important. Instead of: I'm
just realizing that helping her now
extends me to all the people she helps,
what it means is, the way you want
to say that is: I'm now realizing that
I'm going to be challenged to set limits
with the people that my mother was
helping because my priority needs to be
my self-care first and then her care. You
have permission. Anytime we are dealing
with anyone who needs us we've got to
take care of ourselves first as best we
can. Now listen, when my father was sick
and when he was dying, I'm
fortunate, I come from a large family and
everybody rallied. And there were times
where I had to get up and drive two
hours in traffic to the hospital. And if
I did it too much I'd get burnt out and
resentful and it wouldn't be good. And I
would call on another sibling to help,
for example. We have to be willing to set
limits. We have to be willing to make our
self-care a priority first. And then, so
that we can be connected to the person
we love that needs us. Because those
situations as hard as they can be, as
much of a pain in the ass as they can be
are spiritual opportunities for growth.
They challenge us to set limits, to set
boundaries, to take better care of
ourselves. And to be with the people we
love during hard situations, to be there
more, to have the difficult conversations,
to discover what we're made of in
some ways. And so you do not
automatically have to extend yourself to
the people your mom was helping. What you
need to do is first get yourself some
help and look for resources that may be
able to provide them with help, otherwise
if you're running thin already you've
waited too long. And we all do that so
it's no judgement, Mary. I'm just saying
that what I want for you is to
get a reserve of support, more support
than you think you need, okay? All right,
let me see. I'm looking at your questions here. Okay, so
Kathleen says: I need to find a new way
to earn income as I don't want to stay
in my current job. I'm 64 years old, tired
of working on others' dreams. How do I
figure out what to do next?
Well Kathleen, so I'm assuming that
you need to work to make
money. I'm going to make that assumption. If
that's not the case you can let me know.
And what I would say is this. If you want
to get out of the job that you're in
because it's boring or it's stressful or
drives you crazy or whatever, then I
think one of the fastest ways to earn
extra money is to first make a list of
all of the skills that you have. What are
the things that you do really well? And
then look for the websites where you can
post some of those skills. Now, what comes
to mind for me, for example, is my friend
Anastacia Brice who owns AssistU.com.
Now, it's a virtual assistant training
company and they also have a referral
service. And Kathleen, this is a good
example. There's so many women who were
working in corporate America who didn't
like what they were doing, maybe didn't
like the people they were working with
or just were fed up, just
fed up going to a regular nine-to-five
job. And instead, trained to become
virtual assistants where they would stay
in their homes, create a home office and
support one or two or three different
business owners as partners. I've used
virtual assistants for years. Anastacia
was my very first virtual assistant more
than 20 years ago. And that was using
administrative skills in a way that gave
these women more freedom and flexibility,
which made a
huge difference. And they made really
good money doing it, more than they were
making in their corporate jobs. So there
are websites like Indeed and Care.com.
I think Care.com is a great website.
I don't think Care.com is just for
housekeeping and personal errands and
elderly care, I think it can be used for
a lot of different kinds of care
services. And you might want to check
that out as well, Kathleen. But start by
making a list of what you're skilled at.
And if you're not sure about that,
get together with four or five of your
closest friends and ask them to tell you
what you're great at because sometimes
what we're naturally good at comes so
naturally to us that we can't see it. And
then you can begin to use those skills
to maybe craft a little business for
yourself that can support you while you
do the longer-term
work of maybe working with a career
counselor. Or, as a matter of fact
Kathleen, if you send an email, send an
email to Lisa. Actually, let me
say that differently. Yeah, send an email
to Lisa@CherylRichardson.com and
put in there: Finding Your Passion. Lisa's
here, she knows I'm
talking to you. I'm going to send you a link.
I have an audio program I did quite a
while ago called Finding Your Passion
and it's all about how we discover what
it is we love to do and then do it. And
so I will send you a digital copy, a
digital link to that program.
Just send Lisa an email and I'll make
arrangements with our webmaster to get
you that, and that will help you in the
longer term. But if you want to get out
of your current job, you know we're
moving more and more to a
self-employed economy where people are
taking their skills and their struggles,
their skills and their struggles. I just
saw struggle in there. Their skills and
their talents and they're using them to
craft more freedom and flexibility into
their schedules, which i think is awesome
by the way. Okay, great. Let's see
if I can get this. Hi Kerri. I'm
glad you're here.
I'm looking, okay. Yeah, so Cassie says:
Wanting to keep my energy high and clear
can you suggest ways to raise it? Yes I
can. Simple ways: Take a shower. Get
yourself under water or in a bath.
Clears energy and naturally raises your
energy. Change the sheets on
your bed. Get up and move your body. Get
outside. Take a walk. Do something to move
your body will raise your energy. Talk to
uplifting people. Listen to a podcast.
Michael and I were driving the other
night. We had a long drive, it was an
hour-and-a-half drive. And we went to
OnBeing.org. I'm going to make a note to
put that in the post here, too.
We went to OnBeing.org and we listened
to the interview that Krista Tippett did
with David White the poet, who I love. I
love David and his work. And we were
so inspired and energized afterwards
after listening to that that we went on,
on the way home to listen to him recite
some of his poetry on the same
OnBeing.org. So those are some of the ways
that you can raise energy. Also, I think
about, Matt, I see that you're here. I'm
thinking about, one of my
CrossFit buddies is here, and
going and doing exercise that you
don't typically do is a great way to
raise your energy, to meet new friends
and to just get inspired. I mean, doing
the opposite of what you'd normally do
is sometimes a way that you can raise
energy. There are times where if
I'm feeling low energy, I think okay what
am I about to do? What would the opposite
of that be? Now I know this sounds crazy
but I want you all to think about it and
I want you to try it to raise your
energy. The next time you start to feel a
dip in your energy or you're feeling
bored or
frustrated or whatever and you're about
to do something, ask yourself what would
be the opposite of what I'm about to do.
And if you can do it, do it and see what
happens. How about that? How about that? Okay, all
right. Let's see. I'm scrolling through
here. Chris says: Hi Cheryl. I'm in
transition with work and know I have
worth to have the job I desire. But it's
tough not feeling shame about not working. Yes
Chris, I totally understand that. You know,
I used to be a counsellor for people who
were laid off and we would go through
this kind of feeling.
When we, I want to make a note of something here. Chris, when we are used to identifying ourselves
with our work a lot of people's identity
is wrapped up in what they do. I mean, men
especially. I don't know if you're a man
or a woman, but men especially were
raised to see their identity as their
work. Even women. Anything we do
a lot of. If we dedicate so much of our lives to our
jobs right, that they become, we think
they become, let me say it differently.
They become who we think we are, when in
fact, Chris, you're not your job and
you're not valuable whether or not
you're working. And so sometimes it's
just, of course, important to recognize
that. The other thing I think is
important, Chris, especially when a period
of job loss has been
extensive. And depending on the
position that you had it can
take a while to get a new job, especially
the job that you want. One of the things
we can do is start volunteering in very
specific places related to the kind of
work you want to do so that you feel you
you are engaged in activities that
demonstrate to you your worth and your
value. People around you who love you
already know your worth and value.
But if you can engage in activities that
really support others. I think it's
really important to always be
asking: How can I help you? How can I help
you? Especially when you're unemployed
and you're trying to figure out what it
is you want to do next or you're trying
to find the next job. Finding places
where you can volunteer your time,
finding people that you can support. And
instead of just having networking
lunches related to finding
your job and your needs, have them and
say to people: I'm here to see how I can
support you, to see what I may be able to
do to help you out. I mean these are the
kinds of things that are really
important. So I would encourage you to
begin there, Chris, to really
work those muscles, those special
muscles of yours that express your gifts
and your talents. And you'll be feeling
valuable in no time. And then the added
benefit of that is you start meeting
people who actually can lead you to your
next position, I promise you that'll
happen without a doubt. Okay, let's see. A
couple more before we, let's see. So
Facebook scrolls your questions by so
fast, people, it makes me crazy. Okay.
Lots of career questions, that's
interesting. Well, so Julie says: I've
been unemployed for three years and I
need to work but I want to love my job.
No Julie, actually you need to work first.
So think of it as a transition position.
When people are struggling financially I
always say to them: Take your best skills.
If I were struggling financially
right now I'd go to the nearest good
restaurant and wait tables because I was
a really, I was a damn good waitress as a
young woman. And I would have no problem
waiting tables to make extra money. It
felt very entrepreneurial to me. When
you're struggling financially you want
to get money, you want a consistent
source of income coming in. So you take
the jobs that are going to pay you
the best with the least stress as a
transition position while you look for
work that you love, otherwise you're
going to get stale. Energetically, you're
going to get stale, you're going to wind up not
feeling very valuable  and you don't
present as well. And desperation, I
always say: People smell desperation
before you even walk through the door. So
having a consistent source of income
just allows you to present yourself in a
much more confident way, okay.
Yes, drinking water absolutely raises
your energy. Thank you, good advice there,
Venise, I appreciate that. Let's see. Yeah,
so Liz says: I'm a lawyer working in
family law. I try to bring people through
divorce. I try to bring people
through divorce and other family law
court matters with insight and empathy.
God bless you. And I feel like I'm good
at what I do.
However, I regularly get anxious about my
cases and clients and I worry about the
responsibilities. I have to guide people
in the right way. I'm paraphrasing here
I'm inclined to carry the worry around
me at times which can affect my personal
life. How do I balance caring for clients
with keeping enough separateness? This is
a really good question. So that I don't
get overwhelmed by the types of issues I
deal with, which can be very emotional
and quite
often sad? Sorry for the long question. No
worries, Liz. I'm writing down your name
because I know Facebook is going to scroll
past. Good question, Liz. This in some ways
can be applied to a lot of different
situations. How do I deal
with an aging parent where I'm dealing
with my own emotions about them getting
older and the stress of dealing with
them. Or I mean in some ways they're
similar. And then in your case, Liz, what I
would say is this: First of all, this is
really important. I used to coach a lot
of lawyers, litigators in particular, but
I spent years coaching lawyers. For some
reason, lawyers loved the book Take Time
for Your Life and I suspect it's because
I was coaching lawyers before I wrote it.
Here's the thing, Liz. The very first
thing I would say to you, I'm assuming
you are earning a consistent source of
income, that you're not
financially strapped. I'm
going to assume that as I give you this
advice. It's really, really important, Liz, for
you at this point to create what I would
call an ideal client profile. Go back
over the last maybe three to five years
and look at the clients that you worked
with that you actually enjoyed working
with, that you felt, let's say it this way:
That you felt less stress with because I
know that there are certain divorce
cases that are going to be nightmares
that you probably don't want to take on
because of your empathetic nature. It's
beautiful that you have empathy. I'm very
empathetic and I've had to learn how to
protect my empathetic self. And the first
thing you do is you really identify who
are the clients I work best with. And
working best means I can show up, do my
job, not be overly invested. I can keep a
healthy sense of separateness so that I
can be an objective sounding board for
them. And the way we do that is by
identifying who the ideal clients are.
The way I've done that is you look back
over the last five years, you make a list
of all the clients you've worked with
that you've enjoyed or that you felt
less stressed with, let's say, and enjoyed.
Then you ask yourself what qualities, what qualities, look
for patterns and themes. Were they,
I'm making this up, but were you
representing more men than women? Women
than men? Was there a certain age range?
Were there certain financial
situations? When they didn't have
children was it easier? I don't know.
Begin to look for patterns and
themes, Liz, in the ideal clients you've
already worked with and list all of
those qualities separately.
And then you want to choose the top
seven common qualities and consider that
as an ideal client profile. Now I'm
shortening this. If you and I were
working together
I'd be more detailed about this. But what
you want to come up with is the seven
common characteristics of an ideal
client and you want to begin to weed out
any new clients that come your way
against this list. In other words, when
you're interviewing potential new
clients if they don't fit this list
gracefully refer them to someone else.
You know what? This doesn't feel like the
right fit but let me tell you who I
think you want to talk to. That's going to
kind of nip things in the bud early on.
That's the first thing. Then the second
thing is with the clients you already have.
Sometimes Liz, I know this is going to sound
crazy. I say this a lot to people. This
little piece of advice I say to myself:
Cheryl, stay on your side of the line. So
the moment I feel anxious or I start to
feel concerned, overly concerned for
someone else I just say to myself
quietly: Get back on your side of the
line, which means come back here, take a
deep breath and don't be afraid to tell
the truth. Yeah, this is
a hard situation. This might not come out
the way you plan. I'm not going to sugarcoat
things here because I don't want to set
you up for a major disappointment.
My truth-telling with as much grace as I possibly can is
one of my ways of staying on my side of
the line. Sometimes staying on my side of
the line means I won't have a
conversation with somebody until I'm in
a better frame of mind.
Sometimes it means having somebody that
works for me interact  with somebody because it's just better
for both of us. I'm trying to think of
examples for you, Liz.
Sometimes it's recognizing that somebody
else's sense of urgency isn't always
your sense of urgency. Now I know it's
tricky being a lawyer. And whenever we're
dealing with people who are in highly
emotional states it can feel like they
can make us feel like we need to act
quickly. But that's not always the case.
And I think it's important to let your
clients know upfront that you will do
your best to be there for them, that
you'll do your best to respond to them
in a timely fashion. But it may not
always be in the time they want. And
letting them know that ahead of time I
think is a really smart
thing to do. That's one of the ways that
you can take the pressure off of
yourself. You are not your client's life,
Liz. You're not responsible for their
choices. I mean, here's the last thing
I'll say about this. Every soul that
comes here has its own path. We're here
to grow and evolve. You know,
life is hard here on planet Earth. I'm
sorry, it just is. And different souls
have different learning opportunities,
Liz. And divorce is one big fat learning
opportunity for a lot of people and we
don't have the right to deny anybody
their learning opportunity. And sometimes,
sometimes people have to go through
really hard things and our job is to
just be a loving witness, I guess that's
what I want to say. But the most
important thing I want you to get out of
this, Liz, is taking the time to do an
ideal client profile. Because I suspect
that some of the clients you've taken on
are clients that you maybe don't want to
take on further down the line, especially
if you've been in business for a while.
We all outgrow the people we work for if
we're growing and evolving as people. We
naturally outgrow the people that we
work with,
and the clients that we take on,
the customers that we work with when
it's a service business, when its
relationship oriented in that way unless
both sides are growing. Since
you're working with
clients that are going to be moving on
you've got to make sure that you're
upgrading your ideal client profile as
you go along, okay. I hope that's helpful.
I hope that's clear. Let me know if it is
by posting a comment, okay? Let's see,
let's see.
I'm just looking for some of
your questions here through the comments.
Okay so Parvin says: I'm off work
due to disability for shoulder injury.
But my insurance rejected my application
for disability so I'm not getting paid.
I can't help but feeling
guilty for not making money. Where do I
draw the line between self-care and a
sense of responsibility to make a living?
Well Parvin, you know that line is often
drawn by necessity, right? I don't
know if you're in a relationship, if
you're feeling guilty because your
partner is working, I don't really know.
But if you need to be responsible
to make a living then the question is
going to be: Is there a way for you to
earn some money while you're healing? Or
do you need to have a conversation with
a household member that may be working
to support the both of you, in which case
you just need to be honest with the
guilt that you're feeling. You need to be
honest and ask how you may be able to
help out. Sometimes I'll coach couples,
for example, where one person loses their
job and I'll say to them: Listen,
if the other person is the breadwinner
right now and you're feeling guilty
ask them what you can do at home or for
them to pick up some slack so they feel
supported on the home front while
they're helping out financially as you
are looking for a job or recovering from
surgery or something like that.
Then make sure that you make a
commitment to do it, to support them in
some way so that they feel like, they know that
you're aware of the fact that they're
the breadwinner right now and
you want to be able to pull your weight.
That said, shoulder surgery is surgery.
And I wonder, I will say this, Parvin. I
don't know where you're from but a lot
of times insurance companies will reject
the first disability claim because most
people don't have the energy to make a
second claim. And you might want to think
about possibly making a second claim as
well, especially if somebody's been
paying into insurance. I
would say that you need to maybe give it
another shot. You might be surprised by
what happens, okay? All right, people. You
know what? Oh gosh, it's been almost
an hour. I can't believe it. Thank you all
for being here with me. I really
appreciate that
and I'm glad to be back here with you.
And I should be back here next week as
well. Make sure, please, that you're
subscribed to my newsletter at Cheryl
Richardson.com. That's where I announce
when I'll be doing the Facebook Lives
ahead of time. So you definitely want to
be subscribed there. And also you want to,
I invite you every morning, almost every
morning, not every morning because I
don't put that pressure on myself. But
almost every morning I post a daily
affirmation message on Instagram. The
username is @coachoncall and I'll
include it in the post here. My username
is @coachoncall. So if you haven't been
following me, please do because I'm
posting a new kind of affirmation that
speaks directly to you about how you
want to start your day and live
your day. So you might want to check it
out over there. And again make sure if
you want to be on the wait list to be
notified of the retreat opening up this
week be sure to go to CherylRichardson.com to do that. I'll put a link here as
well. Okay? When we're done. All right
everybody. Remember in the New Year you
want to be present to your life. That's the
most important resolution you could make.
Show up for yourself. Show up for these
beautiful miracles that life is just
waiting to show you. It's all around you,
you just need to be there in order to
see it. Okay? Thanks for being with me
everybody. Lots of love. Talk to you soon.
Bye.
