

AWARENESS

AND

THE STORY BEHIND ADDICTON

BY

TERENCE E. DEAN

Smashwords Edition

Copyright © 2015 by Terence E. Dean

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this eBook. This book remains the copyrighted property of the author and may not be redistributed to others for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage friends to download their own copy.

# TABLE OF CONTENTS

1 The Problem

2 The Theme of the Story

3 Demystifying Addiction and Compulsion

4 After Abstinence

5 Unhappiness

6 Names, Labels and Descriptions

7 Religion, Desire and Pleasure

8 Fear

9 Anger

10 Jealousy, Envy and Greed

11 Mechanical-ism

12 Fragmentation

13 The Cells or the Flesh?

14 The Pain of Change

15 Psychological Hurt

16 How Do We Change?

17 Images

18 What We Call Love and Compassion

About the Author

#  Chapter 1  
The Problem

Addiction, as with all categorical and delineated human problems at one time or another may become the center of concern in our existence. We all know there are some compulsive behaviors which can easily take on an omnipresent position in our lives and casting us deep into world of darkness, hopelessness and despair. Then there are other less aggressive behaviors which chip away at the core of relationship as well as our mental and physical health. Whatever level you perceive yourself at now or what term would best suit your situation, the need for change of a habit has taken on some importance to you.

For some of you it has gotten to the point where your very nature screams with a sense of urgency demanding a change to this miserable existence. Bringing about a heightening of psychological concern and triggering the innate need for a resolution to your problem. To others it is just a passing affair, an unruly problem that you failed to get rid of and has now become relatively tolerable. As you know, a habitual behavior is not easily dropped or ended but has an immeasurable resiliency about it. A resiliency that can defy logic, will-power and many other things you may throw at it. Probably you already tried many ways that you know of, as well as what others that have been suggested in order to control, moderate or end the habit.

We have tried substituting an object craving or exchanging a compulsive behavior for a perceived one with a lesser degree of pain is fairly common. Or you have probably followed down to the letter some celebrated systems and glorified methods that promised success from the compulsion, as this also is prevalent. But even our most gallant of efforts to free ourselves from the deadly obsessions fail as we can't, don't control or end our compulsive behavior. So we ask why have none of these ways worked? Am I just weaker, much worst off or the black sheep of the family are just some of the questions most have asked. When you have failed to moderate or have relapsed numerous times we are bound to deliberate and ponder upon such assumptions.

Though these are self-condemning assumptions they are actually very important to understand because they can lead to much deeper and fundamental questions. So they are not merely just to be answered in the affirmative or negative and be done with it but are a beginning point to observe and watch. Observing and watching to see if I do have such conclusions or beliefs and then seeing what effect they have on me. Once I do take this action it propels (the author anyway) to see if there are any more things like these that complicate and enslave my life. Such things that set a tone of living or create a perspective about life which keeps me in the pattern I am now in. Taking on such obvious challenges as these can eventually lead to deeper or more fundamental questions, like "Why am I the way I am?" or "How did I come to be this way?"

Just by the first few paragraphs you may notice it is highly important to the author that we question and be curious about the way things are. That we be free enough to explore and investigate some of the nuances within ourselves and in the environment as well. As questioning and curiosity is demanded in the fields of science, technology or business affairs is well accepted. Because they bring energy and breathe life into the possibility and creativity. Why should this other area of living be any different? This is a most important area or part of life but we have no questions or curiosity about it. The part that holds the essence of our being, connects us with humanity and allows the freedom to find that which is beyond ourselves. We appear to have no interest in this part or either think we know or have all the answers too it.

But what do we actually know? What we obviously do know is that which has been acquired from social institutions, tradition, and the knowledge of others and past experiences. This compounded acquisition has formed what to think, how to interpret the environment and who we are or must become. This is our paradox from the midst of this collection we give birth to our own conclusions, beliefs and opinions. This personal collection seems to be born out of what we think is rationale, proven knowledge and the necessity for security or survival. There appears to be no logical reason for thinking any differently or questioning what we think so this our dilemma. Until we come head-to-head with a serious problem such as an addiction very little doubt is raised in the infallibility of thinking. Though this doubt maybe minimal but a critical insight can be had from this. For this doubt can be cautiously nurtured where questioning and being curiosity is a huge step towards freedom.

A compulsion or habitual behavior are some of the most outwardly manifested and self-enslaving reactions one is challenged with. Being so noticeable by the difficulties, pain and suffering they cause is not surpassed by too many other situations. Also they have such a driving force and energy behind them getting freedom from this is supremely necessary. But most only want freedom from the act and not the pattern of self that perpetuates it. You can see the self is rooted in the pattern of thought or thinking. And thinking and thought is in the core of self. So much so, that some would even say these two movements are actually the same. Anyway, unless there is an awareness of the whole process can there possibly be any formidable change or real freedom. We say this because the repetitive pattern is that which ultimately enslaves us and the outward manifestations are only the result or symptoms. Some are able to modify, adapt or adjust this pattern to where the effect or symptoms diminish, but the cause or root is still there.

So in order to change we have to reach the root and not just trim the branches. That we ourselves have to connect and be in contact with the root because we are that. This means breaking from the tradition of thinking we know, wanting to be told and the dependency in accepting the answers by others. That is our freedom; to begin challenging what we thought was unchallengeable. Beginning with ourselves first of all in our most sacred pattern of conclusions, beliefs and opinions which your addiction flourishes and thrives in. Asking our reasonable questions and with a healthy curiosity concerning this pattern will be the door to freedom. Once you open this door it will not be all sugar and sweetness but we come upon the sometimes sour or bitter facts of what we are.

One anomaly about any habitual behavior that one wants to be rid of is that less freedom and control seems to be the answer. Rather than the freedom it takes to be aware and attentive. For instance, that if there is a problem with lust to just turn your head when you see a beautiful women or handsome man. If overeating is the issue, to control and force yourself to follow a strict diet. If drinking alcohol or drugging yourself is the compulsion then isolate yourself from the temptation. There is no freedom in this to see yourself as you are. In this but only more control but we must ask who is this controller? And how is the controller, controlling? Of course, in the beginning of breaking an addiction we must have some ability to resist and be strong enough not to yield from every wind or wave of desire. Sometimes the only method we have is denial and repression pushing back or fighting desire. Though we know the very denial or repression of a compulsion can sometimes give rise to another issue. Which maybe (you think) is worse than the one you needed to change, but why is this so? Is it that denial or repression never actually solves the problem? And the problem then just adjusts in another direction?

Addiction is cunning like this, for some to be able to satisfy or refrain from it becomes a matter of choosing between the lesser of two evils. You commonly hear many people say their compulsion functions as a self-medicating act or a means to escape other oppressing problems. Whatever these things one is medicating to avoid or escaping are, it must be perceived as being pretty terrible to the self? The addiction in their way of thinking allows the handling or coping with the anger, isolation and the other intrinsic problems they suffer through. Some of these issues seem to be without any answer or resolution which is a very desperate situation to be in. So out of this desperation picking a poison that would enslave one even more and which inevitably adds another problem is a route frequently traveled. Is there a complete action that allows discipline and constitution to refrain, but yet be sensitive enough to understand the whole pattern?

Looking at this plight of mankind makes you ask what has happened to religion amongst all of this. Why has it been so quiet or insufficient though this is religion's specialty? This area of helping mankind in the journey to find real solutions to things like addiction and intelligent answers to some fundamental questions in life. Not to make excuses for anyone or blame but the religions have left us hanging in an abyss. Probably from being overly concerned with rituals, beliefs and emotionalism they have taken no thought on these matters. Psychology, which is also to assist man recognizably has been incapable in of dealing with addiction. Through analyzing, psychotherapy and drugs has little effect on addiction. So, to even attempt to tackle the deeper issues of living there is a definite ineptness. Philosophy, which means the love of wisdom is also now inundated with its own concepts, theories and beliefs. Which is just more of the same so offering no real solution. So, what is one to do when faced with addiction and the deeper problems of living? Obviously you can do what you're doing now. Jumping from one system to another, method-to-method or trying to find that belief which will set you free form the torment of the habitual behavior.

The intrinsic issues in life we leave for the theologians, the priest, philosophers or intellectuals to tell me and then I follow. To follow maybe keeps one from becoming too self-destructive or somewhat functionally alive but in this there is no zest for life and living. There is this weight or fear that forebodes in the background of one's life. Which produces the constant conflict and effort of trying to discipline, escape or control the self. What we are trying to get across that actually ending and be totally free of addiction there is no help.

Assistance with understanding the important basic issues in living is almost non-existent. Much of what you find is tainted by biases, prejudices and beliefs from whatever source you try to acquire it from. If we don't fall apart by actually perceiving this fact, then we can gather our courage to explore and inquire ourselves. To see what will come about if we ourselves seriously confront these problems or issues sanely and rationally. Where you are the expert, lead scientist and head explorer that is willing to listen but not immediately accepting or concluding. Being your own leader and going deeply into the particular problem of addiction, then possibly some of the deeper fundamental issues will avail themselves also. Where we can see a thing clearly and lucidly, where then taking the right action comes without effort and conflict. So, we can possibly end this fight and struggle repeated many times throughout our lives labeled as addiction. Where we are constantly trying different ways to modify, adapt and conform the self-destructive pattern into something that is controllable, acceptable or not so deadly. Within this fight and struggle lies the "Story Behind Addiction."

When we go into the problem of addiction you find out the word itself is a fairly recent term as human language goes. When historically this has been a problem from at least since man began to live in communities. Though the ailment is ancient but the modern word addiction as commonly used in a way, that is somewhat vague and without any explicit boundaries. In this indistinct application of the word and with no obvious structure it is just "out there". There is no true defining point or determination when a habit becomes an addiction. When a habit is more than just a momentary flight and escape from a traumatic event or actually a compulsion which is truly resistant to change. This almost has to be thought about and clarified in the definition if the term will be worth its weight at all. Because we live in habit so everything would be an addiction and that would be preposterous. Every habit, whether it effects the brain severely or just minimally alters behavior performed long enough. Which causes the body to react in some expressive way so there is nothing exact..

So, even physically when a habit becomes an addiction cannot exactly be pinpointed. Though this word addiction is vague and without logical limits and it has become a fashionable thing to use. Being a fad many people use it most indiscriminately and very carelessly. Throwing it around, misusing and giving it very broad applications that has diminished whatever value this word did have. Here in this text we will try to use this word minimally only in the simplest connotation and with a very narrow meaning. This narrow meaning is a habit that one is somewhat aware of that the brain resists letting go of or ending. You may not like or even disagree with the author's narrowed definition, but it is very precise one and fairly simple to understand with what we are undertaking. In the author's point of view if we are to use the word addiction in appropriate way at all, this has to be done. Ours is a working definition for those who are serious about change and have seen it as necessary to let go or end a habitual behavior.

In order to get this definition we are merely stripping away all the opinions or conclusions that now stand in front of the naked fact. When the fact is exposed it becomes clear that this more than just an individual abnormality but is a common problem within all mankind. A pattern of thinking that drives the brain and body to act compulsively or move repetitively to its own injury is an ancient story well-known to all. Though we do not see it as such because we have divided this pattern by the different manifestations and variations which are produced. Some addictions kill you quicker, cause more damage than others and have a greater urgency to change. But, that doesn't make the other ones any lesser of a compulsive habit because it is easier to live with. And this behavior fits in with societies values which some addictions do. The consistent craving for power or control is fundamentally the same thinking process as the demanding pleasure of alcohol or sex. Which can actually destroy you, hurt or kill others just as alcohol or sex and many other compulsions can do.

What the author wants you to see is that this is a human problem and not only yours or subject to an exclusive group of people. In seeing this it does not give you an excuse or reason to continue with your behavior, but is the beginning of freeing yourself. Freeing the brain from the guilt, self-judgment and societal condemnation that holds it in sorrow. You're not some kind of freak, something genetically and morally wrong with you. We are saying this is a burden you need not carry. Before we go any further into addiction and compulsive behavior the author would like to clarify himself on the use of the term or word "story." For, in a typical story you indulge and consume yourself within the writer's imaginations, presumptions and idealizations. But with this sequence of events we are asking something different. That you not be caught up and taken away by words or explanations of the author. But examining, investigating and exploring with sober criticism all that is put in front of you.

To have this kind of openness of mind means you are learning or understanding not from the author, but you are your own teacher. The insights you may have or come upon are from your work and are inherent within the action of doing. The author is merely pointing out some things you may not have seen or been aware of before. So anyone who is serious enough to look can perceive this and has the ability to take way beyond what you have imagined. The good thing about this it doesn't take an elite religious, spiritual or psychological trained mind to see.

Another way this is not your a typical story of addiction is that we delve into the mechanics and traditional patterns of mind, thought, actions and reactions. A movement or process of thinking that we facilitate and accommodate as normalcy and being normal. But yet produces and induces habitual behaviors that makes life abnormal. Rarely, if ever are we challenge to look at such depth or to the root of our behavior which is thought and thinking. Most stories want you to adjust, modify and adapt the present pattern to comprehend or understand in a suited direction. The tellers of a story want to lead you from beginning to end in a known direction of suspense and entertainment. And to have the readership psychologically change in the midst of a chapter would mean to foil the plot, thus bringing death to the piece of work. For the author to tell a story in this way would create a serious problems for himself because we are living, changing and dynamic human beings. That we are not some mundane, dull or mediocre creatures but a creative, blooming and blossoming creation is what the story relies on.

Our challenge begins in the ongoing pattern and process of the self in a movement where we have to be quick and alert to capture the facts. In this story one is to question, sometimes doubt and change by dropping what we see as false. For we are doing something new and creative which is being aware or attentive to yourself, thought and thinking. How much or little you are aware or attentive has no meaning in this story there is only the new beginning and where you will inevitably write the ending.

#  Chapter 2  
The Theme of the Story

It is said, that every "good" piece of writing has to have a solid theme or at least maintain some close proximity to a central issue. In our story we will also attempt to follow these literary rules of good writing, but these will be stretched to their logical limits. To where you may ask what does that have to do with addiction or a compulsion? Our theme or central issue of addictions, habits and compulsive behaviors are very complex problems which virtually touch every aspect of living. You may not have ever thought about it before, but these problems interconnect with many other issues in our lives. It is only logical that this would be the case because their origin has the same root which is the self, me or ego.

Whichever of these terms you prefer to use these are the core and foundation of our behavior, actions and reactions which is our expression of life. Because of this the author thinks our theme can only be communicated effectively or written about intelligibly within the same broadness which is posed upon our lives. So we will go in depth into things like fear, jealousy and other topics which you may think have very little to do with an addiction or compulsion. But the reality is they are all part of that which drives our pattern of thinking, dictates our perception of life and effects the way relate to the world. Trying to extract only what we think is relevant or be so surgically precise naturally could cause errors in this observation. Because one problem you may think that is totally unrelated may actually be the support or foundation of another. This theme we have chosen needs freedom of investigation and examination, so the limits set by others and the contemporaries have to be breached. The author will not defy logic or jump all over the place incoherently in trying to prove a point. Promisingly, that we will stay somewhat grounded on the central issue and keeping difficulty in understanding to a minimum.

The way we want to look at this is as a journey or an exploration into the self, me or ego. Similar to if you seriously wanted to learn about and experience the culture of a foreign country for the first time where it is mandatory that you have a firsthand account of the customs, music and tradition from your own perspective. To do that in a serious manner we leave behind as many preconceptions, beliefs and opinions of what others have written or told us about it to where we can experience and see for ourselves the nuances, motives and differences of that culture. To really understand or actually grasp the patterns of habitual behaviors first hand we also have to take a journey. But instead of inquiring into the outer world, our frontier of exploration will be ourselves or the inner me which needs the same kind negation of preconceptions, beliefs and opinions.

As we mentioned previously, though our communication we refer to as a story it is not inundated with beliefs, theories, and fairy tells of such. But our base and what we are anchored in, is the factual, actual or that which is happening now. Of course this is impossible for us to do this together or in actual time by way of a book. So the fact will be many times according to perception of the author, which makes things a little dicey if we may use that word. Unless it so obvious and the fact jumps out at you immediately in real time, only then there is no problem. While it is not seen in this way that the author writes, it may appear to you as another philosophy, hypotheses or theory. This is not the fault of anyone, but is inherent in the communication of the written word. It is not that you should believe something as a fact just because the author says so, but look at it for yourself. Only then does what is written have any meaning at all. What we can capture firsthand through a book is maybe the possibility of change by merely saying look at the problem in this way. We have been looking at things we will be going into the same way or in one direction for all of our lives.

On the journey the author will be just pointing out and saying, "this maybe a different way of looking at this problem." So consider it. Question it, be aware and pay some attention to this and see what you come up with. In this action of beginning to look, unawareness or inattention is then replaced by the flame of awareness and attention where there is the fire of awareness and attention, it allows us to live a new story. Obviously, there would be no story or theme without the primary character and lead actor which we can call self. Not myself or yourself or a particular self, just (self). As the author writes and make statements like this one, he could just hear you saying, "Holy Cow, What is he talking about!" Each self is equally different and totally individual? How can we just center on and examine one self, as a specimen in the whole?

This is where we want to begin our questioning, are we so different from another person actually? We can all actually see that we are separate individuals in body and form. It is also actual on the surface we all have our different temperaments and personal idiosyncrasies. We have our individual likes, dislikes, ambitions, talents, pleasures and fears. But deep down are we so different? We are so similar in many ways and almost exactly alike in others. We react to pain and hurt the same way and respond to pleasure and fear almost identically, that is a fact. Addiction, depression and loneliness are the same in everyone, worldwide? What we do and how we react to these is the only difference we all have the same description and recognition of them. How did this come to be if we are so totally different and such individuals? What the author is hinting at is that we all connect sometimes and share a single consciousness. Though tradition is to think, carve out and create a totally separate or individual one. As in some families, occupations and team sports that at times connecting in an area or field of consciousness. Where there is just thinking and is not separated as mine or yours but a sharing in the observed.

Seeing all of this our communication will be based on the deeper part of the human existence. The depth where we are similar and not on the level of superficial individual quirks that separate us. Though we will take this approach, we know many still will be very resistant and too stubborn to think that they are all inclusive in anything. That even the most benign inclusion of their precious and sacred self is disagreeable or perceived as an attack against individuality. But in this matter it is alright and intelligent to have some logical resistance be a little skeptical what the author saying. To not just accept anything, but explore or examine it, because this is your life and you have to take care of it.

#  Chapter 3  
Demystifying Addiction and Compulsion

Habitual and compulsive behaviors have plagued mankind since the beginning of time so basically have made its own indelible mark upon history. A history of destroying lives, relationships and spreading misery through all of society. Over these many centuries of struggle and failure to solve this problem it has taken on a mystique. The mystique we refer to not in the good sense of being interesting or exciting, but the counter meaning that expresses superstition, illusion and myth. It has perplexed us with this mysteriousness for its many manifestations and demanded a quiet reverence because of the resiliency. The individual after many attempts to deny, follow systems that promise freedom or moderation, the end result has been basically no change at all.

Sometimes when being held in the acute stage of an addiction you can't help but to think there may be a supernatural force behind it. The habitual behavior began such as a seemingly harmless act or maybe even was something natural to do. Then it somehow manifested and became immune to will-power, punishment, logic and belief, how did this happen? What sort of hold does this behavior have over me? Many religious people will say because of spiritual weakness and a Twelve Stepper may tell you have a character flaw. A clinician will tell you that it is a disease or because your mother didn't love you enough so one is compensating. Whether the reason be one or all of these we will leave that argument for those who like this kind of contemplation. Because that is all it is, contemplation on some reasons with no real solution.

Just by these few different conclusions, theories and diagnoses pointed out you can see how easily myths could arise. Religion's favorite conclusion is that you're addicted because you are disobedient, lack faith or the devil has a hold of you. The reaction to solve this problem becomes that you can pray, conform yourself to principles, sacrifice to God or exorcise the demon out. The Twelve Stepper's myths are that you can reprogram the brain through constant repetition. By following a system of beliefs and confirmations for the rest of your life that you will have victory. But the most horrible of ideas that or many Twelve Steppers adhere to or you may hear from them is once an addict, then always one. You can see how an evil statement like this has gained such precedence and almost a factual status. Because of the many failures and falling backs of those whom follow their system of practice is one reason. The other explanation is that those who desire to break a compulsion have the illusion of being able to control it or have the pleasure without pain. So to overcome this desire of pleasure without pain or a false self-confidence they issued a death sentence. This is saying you are stuck, can never really change or totally end this pattern, so accept and adjust to it. The clinician's as a generalization don't really have any myths because the good ones look for the root causes of a compulsive behavior.

In saying this some of them do subscribe to making the punishment greater than the pleasure or reward of the act. By prescribing a pill, shock treatments or something along those lines. All of these myths makes the problem an even heavier ordeal then it already is. If you actually see the fact of the myths or mythology then it becomes imperative that we discover what the truth is. Not the truth according to the author or anyone else, but that which you receive from your own investigation and exploration. Discovering the facts of a compulsion is not that easy because you are already engulfed in our own conclusions, past experiences and beliefs to what it is. As well as being surrounded by others who say they know, so to even freely look is a little difficult. The mind has to be free from the past in order to investigate and explore anything for the first time. Your conclusions and opinions which are the product of past will make the observation bias or tainted according to what you already know.

For we have already judged and condemned an addiction as bad so one resists instead of looking or learning about it. To be able to just observe the intricacies of thought and feeling without escaping or trying to change it, so can we begin to understand. One begins to see the origin of the compulsion which is thought and thinking that repeats itself sometimes obsessively towards being fulfilled. The author knows this may sound a little simple or easy to do but what we have done is to enter into the complexity of the problem. For the very nature of a compulsive habit is in it being complex and somewhat complicated. If not, it would take only mere will-power or minor negative consequences for one to drop it.

But this problem is one that can obscurely hang onto you or remain dormant in the unconscious for long periods of time. Because of the many paradoxical situations, variations and degrees of compulsive behaviors makes even writing about it somewhat difficult. So we must enter into the complex where we are the same because the superficial is just too fragmented. For instance, the author can only write about this in detail while being aware and attentive to pleasure because it is common to us all. It is very easy for pleasure to become habitual or repetitive act for all of us. To be sure that pleasure is not pursued and doesn't graduate into habits can he honestly communicate this subject.

Pleasure as a whole movement which divides itself into many particulars is a large part of the self or me. It's in the memory, comes in thought, can dominate the whole brain and life sometimes seems so dull without it. Right, wrong, good or bad this is the reality about pleasure we can either do nothing or begin to face the facts. The fact that pleasure has its consequences this is most recognizably seen in certain individual pleasures. If one finds pleasure in smoking cigarettes then the consequences are the dulling of the body and the possibility of cancer. Or there is pleasure in being famous and then there is the distorted self-importance and childish pretentiousness which are soon to follow. Some of the consequences which can be severe and others that can hardly be noticed as having any consequential result.

But we also can look at pleasure as if it is a whole thing or a movement in me. Where it is not divided by the judgment or condemnation of good, bad, right, wrong pleasures. Or levels of intensity and degrees of effect but look at it as parts of me, thought and I within that comes the understanding self. So, saying I will have none (which some have said) or willfully holding onto certain ones has no meaning. Just in this tidbit you begin to see that pleasure is a very important thing in our lives, why is that so? Why is it so important? This is especially crucial to understand when we are concerning ourselves about a habitual behavior or a compulsion because this how they begin. We will go into pleasure a little more in later chapters. For now we just want to see some of the complexities we will be challenged with when delving deeply into why one does the things you do. Because it is so complex we have settled for the mythology and maintained the mystique.

Before we leave the issue of complexity and complication we like to also mention one other situation. The way we measure and compare things in terms of time and progression is something we would like to go into. What we mean by this is desiring and looking for a comparable result or progression of improvement that will give an outward tell-tale sign of changing. We are educated and trained to meet problems in this way so this becomes our means of determining what is working or that which is not.

What we do all day long is measure and compare outward things, so we expect the same of the inner world. So we have a tendency to drop or pick up things based upon this, and so we are always in a state of flux. Do you see? Many things in the psyche are incomparable or immeasurable because this is the inward, but yet we are conditioned to demand an outward recognizable and measurable result. So to judge and measure the viability of something by what you can recognize is all that matters to many people. Looking for a measurable effect outwardly we stay on that level and never try to go deeper into the cause that is inward. We may can compare that we are less angry or fearful then what were at one other time in life and think we are progressing. Progression in the simplest explanation is I was overeating seven days a week compared to five as I do now and have loss some weight. Then after some anxieties or worries of life intensify I am back to overeating everyday and have gained the pounds back.

My attention is on the result and not on the understanding of the pleasure I get from the taste of good food, the brain craving from habit and the sensations remembered. The desire to see something measurable or comparable is a very strong habit and gives great importance to this, so attention is primarily there. You hear many people talk about changing this about themselves or dropping a habit quite frequently. They go through a few months of trial and error then eventually become frustrated and give up when there is no perceived result. This is all most people want to achieve or think is necessary and never what is exactly behind the prodding and craving. The darkness that has allowed this function to begin and proliferate goes unaddressed.

In this text the author will be using words and phrases like deep or deeper, superficial, on the surface and things of that nature. He doesn't want to get himself in trouble or lead you astray by saying what actions are relevant and which are not. Some habitual behaviors are very dangerous and calling any "reasonable" action shallow allows one to refrain from the compulsion we want to be careful with. When we talk about going beyond the obvious and go further than just the common we are asking something of you that is very rarely asked. Why is it so uncommon to be asked this? Could it be that we are so engulfed or surrounded by superficiality and mediocrity that one thinks the need go further is irrelevant? Or is it because when one thinks they are pushing past the obvious and the common, it turns out to be more of the same? Maybe it's because we have a conclusion that everything is known about the psychological and spiritual me?

That we already know this complex thing called self or if not I find a book or a person who will tells me all about it? These are just some of the strong factual reasons to stay exactly where you are, to accept and obey. This maybe fine and dandy for the "Average Joe" to live many years like this, but your compulsive behavior will not allow it. It is killing you, tearing down relationships and making life a living hell, so mediocrity is not an option. When we are caught in the superficial or constantly brushing the surface of problems then myths, traditions and opinions take on a certain reality to them. I believe my addiction is a life long struggle or battle because someone has told me so is only an opinion. It has been repeated so often that many have take it as an unchangeable fact or true. What do they know for sure? They make these outlandish conclusions and don't even understand anything about desire and the compulsion to do something. Where they originate from, why they are or in what pattern it functions. Looking at things from the superficial and at the surface we come up with such conclusions and beliefs. So our way to approach a habitual behavior is control, discipline and resist in order to abstain and not to totally end the conflict of it. Ending the whole of conflict where we can freely and happily live without the war between the opposites in self.

It is not that we shouldn't control, discipline or resist, but we are never understanding or learning about the whole mechanism of this. We are just merely reacting and trying to change the effect instead being at the root or cause of where the problem begins. So when there is a failure to change an addiction it is not something mandated from above, the curse of curses sent directly from the Gods or is it a "generational revenge." Neither are you doomed to suffer from this for the rest of your life. Just by seeing these few facts for yourself you have broken the spell of many centuries past. To demystify or see the fact of anything obviously you have to first become aware and attentive to it. Not in the casual consciousness that we are accustomed to, but one that sometimes doubts, tests and explores. Awareness not only of your "pet addiction" but other beliefs, as well as the conclusions and the environment from which your personality has evolved, prejudices created, likes or dislikes molded. An attention that questions and inquires into this seemingly concrete formation of unchangeable facts about ourselves.

We have even come to like or identify with this formation of facts, so awareness and attention is not all you will need. But there also has to be a willingness to see and then drop the false within the fact. When that happens a compulsive behavior becomes the problem of I, the brain or the self and not because you are genetically controlled, weak or cursed. But only that the brain is conditioned or programmed to follow along certain lines and patterns of thinking.

Though our prevailing theme is the problem of addiction you will come to see that in some sense we are actually discussing a rather peripheral matter. For when you consider the whole or total behavior of mankind a compulsive habit is just a symptom of a greater disorder. But yet, at the moment, for some of you it could be an immediate life or death issue. Your mind could be caught within the tight spiral "chasing the high" or running after the illusion of ecstasy that thought has imagined. Trying to find and relive a past experience that was kind of euphoric and seemed so special. I don't know if this next statement will make any sense to you or not. Nor do I want you to immediately agree or accept this either, but think it out. But ecstasy in life is beyond thought so anything that thinking creates as an object or situation to achieve it is an illusion or delusion. We can see this in everyday living thought that says if we have this certain woman, man, success or fame my life will be ecstatic.

If this kind goal is actually achieved temporarily we may feel that vibrancy, but eventually the infatuation and the imagination gives way to the reality. The honeymoon period ends and the relationship becomes rather mundane and mediocre. Or the success and fame brings about a new set of problems with a greater responsibility which steals the zest for life. Thought or thinking has created all of this and that is the major problem.

As I write, thinking to myself of the difficulties that will arise in communicating this important story to many of you, it will be no easy task. By the topic alone the author has taken upon himself a specific audience that is many times terribly frustrated, hurt, suffering and yet still very self-defensive. Whom vigorously protect the image they perceive themselves to be and are still ambiguous to giving up their pleasurable habit. Even though they know the pure destructiveness of being dominated or doing the act. Then also add to this scenario that some of you are still under the influence, altered mind, emotional feelings of chemical and non-chemical substances. So anything new or different may not be received in the clarity of which it is given. So instead of trying to force another belief down your throat or a make you swallow a different logic or coerce you with fear we will do something different. The content of this story will simply ask you to do the compassionate thing, which is to awaken. To just be aware, attentive and explore as to who this you or me of habit and compulsion actually is. How did this addicted you come about, what is its origin of this? Observing, watching what and why you think or how you respond this is the compassionate thing. Which in turn dissolves the mystique, myths and mysteriousness.

#  Chapter 4  
After Abstinence

For certain addictions there obviously has to be a period of total abstinence from the substance or behavior which has taken control. With other compulsions there can only be interruptions where the act and activity can be restrained which still can be seen as a form of self-abnegation. Abstinence of course has many psychological benefits, but its greatest effects are to recuperate physically. The nervous system, brain or physically dependent side of an addiction has to be healed in some form of normality.

So after this happens and abstinence is attained, what is there? Have I fundamentally changed or have the outer things adjusted to fit me better? Will my wife stop nagging or my boss stop bullying me? Will I still suffer from loneliness or depression? If not, I am returning to the same thought pattern and problems which led me in this direction. Do I prepare everyday to battle and struggle against the self, thoughts or cravings until hopefully they subside?

With or without abstinence there is still the psychological dependency, fears and other inner conflicts which still permeate my life what am I to do? Do I or do I not enlist the services of someone else to surgically analyze and meticulously break down all my problems one by one? Or do I pray for God to take the obstacle away? If we are not fooling ourselves these are some important questions which definitely need a serious and intelligent answer to. Our usual method of first choice in facing and challenging our problems is to analyze them ourselves or have someone else do it. Analyzing to solve problems is the traditionally accepted means and is what we are rigorously educated or highly trained to do. To breakdown the situation in parts and segments to find an answer.

To weigh, measure or sift through the yeas and nays then pursue the correct action from there which is our usual way. Outwardly in some areas this may be necessary, but inwardly there some inherent difficulties. You can see that analyzing every problem that may possibly trigger the return to the habitual behavior would be a tremendous feat. The analyzer would have to be extremely accurate for one and then just because you know why doesn't always solve the problem. Thirdly, you would have to be conscious of that issue to even attempt a resolution for many of our problems which have been pushed into the unconscious. So as you begin to see, analyzing is no longer a trusted option unless you want spend years doing it. But we don't have years to solve problems if they are consuming our lives at this very moment. Then what are we to do or the right action to take? You can wait, pray or meditate for a miracle to fall from heaven which will give the insight and cleanse your mind, but that is not very likely to happen. Because you have doing that for years already but the addiction and other problems remain.

The author is not saying to give up waiting, praying or meditating, but begin to ask what else can be done, is there something obvious that I am not seeing? Something that prevents a miracle or the insight from happening? A single comprehensive answer or maybe a component of reality that I cannot perceive that which will give me a new outlook on life? Within all these questions you notice they contain one consistent element which would be the self. We really don't know if there is anything like the questions point at it. Maybe it is all just imagination. But the self or "me" is something that we can see and is real to presume and assume is not necessary, so here is where we begin.

Beginning by learning or understanding this thing I call me and exploring how it came about and why it operates the way it does. Then to understand or learn about this self, maybe awakening a part of it so we will not revert back to its old ways. Just the implications of taking this kind of action are enormous even to the most down trodden mind. So how do I learn about, understand and know thyself? Typically when we are asked to learn or understand something accumulation and memorization of what others have previously said or discovered becomes the expectation. This is the process one uses to gather the necessary data, conclusions and information so as to become good or confident at the work we do. Accumulation and memorization is necessary, effective and efficient with fixed objects and constant theories which we must have.

But the self, life and living is always changing or moving. Though many of us try to become fixed physically, constant psychologically and totally secure environmentally, but really there is no such thing. The relationship you had yesterday may be the cause of conflict today or what gave you pleasure last week becomes your source of pain this month. Your economic situation, physical health and spiritual security could change at any moment. So learning and knowing thyself has to be agile, fluid, quick and able to meet each moment in the new. Not to be burdened by accumulation and memorization which is always of the past and the known.

Today is the day we begin anew exploring and learning about ourselves first-hand. The example the author has chosen to begin this journey in the understanding of self and change is unhappiness. Because many of you if not all find the state of unhappiness a fairly frequent event and common experience in your lives. Also the author thinks this is a very important factor when undertaking change. For it seems extra difficult to gather up enough energy and to be sustainably serious if you are terribly unhappy. When you have no energy and are not that serious we react to the unhappiness which usually means a response that gravitates towards to what seems most appealing. You want to avoid even the appearance or possibility of more instead of pushing through to see what is real and factual.

Unhappiness narrows down our life into a small area of action or reaction and one functions within that enclosure. Seeing this is no good way to live life, we will begin by looking into some of the causes and what exactly is unhappiness. By this approach maybe you will get more of a sense of what learning about or knowing the self is and then be able to apply that to your life. Throughout this text the beginning point will be the fact or the way you are right now. Not what we want to be, think you should or will become. So we are not stuck on any belief, conclusion and opinion of yourself that you accumulated from the past or hope in the future. But we are free to look, observe or watch unhindered by desire to be, self-judgment and condemnation. We will be looking at the self like a scientist who has came upon a new discovery and wants to explore that which he has found. If we can logically and reasonably keep our wits while on our journey possibly there may appear another exciting reality. A reality that will free you and end the addictive process.

#  Chapter 5  
Unhappiness

Unhappiness and happiness play a major part in the psychological nature of who we are or why one does many of the things you do. When unhappy we diligently pursue and determinedly try to find that which they think will make us happy. The energy we gather during this search can be kind of stimulating and awakening, but in this there is also the possibility of distortion or perversion. When unhappy sometimes we will treat people as nothing, blame the whole world for our circumstances and make some irrational decisions. Though when we are relatively happy life and living takes on a quality that would need many words to accurately describe. A quality where we are not so self-centered, a little more caring and are looking forward to a new day. This happiness we experience is great while it lasts, but soon a situation changes for the worse, added pressures come and everything becomes routine again.

This all we have ever known so the intermittent kind of happiness is the norm, the total experience or some have went on to call these flights of fancy joy. In a way we have accepted and only expected happiness to be within these limitations. With these minimal expectations deep happiness or joy are nothing but brief experiences instead of innate quality within truly living life in its fullest capacity.

To accept the lesser would just make a tremendous state such as joy into another mediocre or shallow happening and not the possible life changing force which is subtlety implied. Never thinking any different we don't explore to find out the fact of the matter and settle for what we know. So for most of us this is the way of happiness in our lives and what we are most acquainted with is unhappiness.

Unhappiness being what we are much more acquainted with and go through it is only logical that we look there if we are to be good explorers. Looking at happiness or what we think would make us happy is along the same lines as the rest of the world says to do. How to reach for our dreams, to fulfill ourselves and find out what will satisfy our desires.

We have many who people think and believe a deep happiness or joy can be found in having a lot of money, in a single relationship, fame or some other imagined perfect situation. So looking at happiness would lead us nowhere but only back into the area of reasons. This is our usual way is to address this problem trying to find out why we are unhappy rather they be from actual need or just runaway desires.

With all these possible reasons and more where is one to begin to discover if there is such thing as joy. A joy "which seeps into your blood" that will not wither because of a rough circumstance or difficult situation be thrown at you. Or a kind of happiness that frees the mind and heart to where they are now constantly finding something new, solving problems very quickly or being creative in love.

The purpose of going into the problem of unhappiness is not so you can more easily accept or adjust to it. But to understand this issue and possibly end it or at least minimize the impact this has on our lives. We must mention this because for some people unhappiness or being unhappy seems to be no big deal to them. They somehow reduce living merely to fulfilling duties or obligations desensitizing themselves to the thoughts and feelings of unhappiness. That is all they expect of life and will tell you to resign to this fact. They say, life is not a bowl of cherries so be tough or become mechanical enough and you will not feel the pain of all of this. Or that real joy comes in believing in a God, after death or something waiting for you up in heaven. To fight, deny and suppress unhappiness is like trying to make yourself into a martyr giving up your life for the sake of whom, is a good question. Maybe you can see that this is just another way of escaping the fact and molding yourself to a particular pattern. The sorrow is if that one ever wakes up from this. They only find out that life has passed them by. What we are trying to hint at is that the accepting and enduring unhappiness has consequences, as does lusting after self-fulfillment.

Don't get me wrong on this, but you will have some unhappiness in life, as it is unavoidable. As if a love one dies, you fail at something or when the world begins another war, as in these are very sorrowful situations. Any sense of joy can really seem absent in such times. But there is an intelligence within joy which moves towards the real resolution of problems. If joy didn't have such an intelligence it would be thwarted by every negative incident or difficult circumstance so it would be pretty much meaningless then. An intelligence that actually works towards a real resolution of difficult issues and not just rationalizing or suppressing. Trying to be what you think being joyful is because someone or a book said we should be.

How can we find out if there a joy that is always a new feeling or a fresh energy each time and has an intelligence about it? For centuries joy or having a deep happiness has been written about, praised, pursued and we ourselves have experienced moments of it. So we all know a little something about this though it is quickly fleeting. Though somewhat known to us, joy is not a substantial or real thing in our everyday lives. Why is this so? Or is the author along with the other testimonials of joy just romanticizing something that can never be here in daily living? The responsibilities, sorrows or conditions of society and life just are just too overwhelming for a more continuous happiness? Unhappiness being what we experience most leads us to ask, how do you know when you're unhappy? What makes you aware of it? Are you aware only because of the daily conflicts, frustrated desires and boredom?

Then from there we choose a particular object, reason, circumstance to blame and focus upon for why we are not happy, don't we? We say it is because of lack of money, a relationship, the job or some area where the self has compared and found an insufficiency. If you look at it this is the same pattern we follow continually throughout our lives. Within all of what we usually call unhappiness is rooted or based solely in the "me" and thought. Me and thinking what I should, must or shouldn't be is dissatisfied, rejecting or disliking (what is) or the actual situation. This same me that is unhappiness begins searching and trying to find it through thought happiness or joy. We are not saying it is right, wrong, good or bad to be dissatisfied, reject and dislike, but understanding there's a motive behind these conclusions. These conclusions may have come from comparing myself with the neighbor, what the family wants me to be or thinking that I am entitled and owed.

As you begin to see the motive behind being or why I am dissatisfied, rejecting or disliking is very important for a couple reasons. One of these reasons is inward freedom if I am stuck within childish or immature motives and drives one obviously isn't free. But only repeating programming and conditioning which dictates to me things like what success is, or what I must be or become. If the motive or drive comes from our brother always appearing to have better things then we do, you will always live in that. Living in my brother's shadow competing to become the light so when I do not measure up then we are dissatisfied, rejecting and disliking of our own life. There is no freedom to just be and really live without being engulfed by the shadow of someone else. The other reason why the deeper motives behind unhappiness are important is to see the pattern of reaction which is created. Which is to react by seeking more, exchanging and substituting objects or situations.

So when the "me" or self is unhappy exchanging one job for another is the solution. The wife or husband nags too much, doesn't fulfill your sexual desire or some other kind of want so we substitute. Or just get fed up with everything and run away from the family or other responsibilities is another reaction. We are not saying switching jobs where you are more talented or another one pays more money. Not to leave a wife or husband that hates you that would be foolish. Or just to endure with being mowed down by family and responsibilities is far from a real remedy. But when such extremes or the lesser do exist to see if we can possibly look at the situation in a different way and take a new action.

Some people live their whole life seeking the more, exchanging or substituting not only people, but religions, ideologies, addictions and whatever else that may appear better at the time. What is the state of mind that is constantly held in this pursuit? For one you can see that the mind is never quiet, seeking and reaching for that which will bring security, satisfaction or contentment. Also you can see that there is a certain amount of confusion, contradiction, trial and error in this. The mind has no order to it, but is just bouncing around seeking satisfaction and gratification. For us to begin looking at this in a new way is to become aware of the disorder within ourselves first and foremost. Because when one is disorderly within ourselves this is what we will project and produce outwardly. We are not totally clueless to the need for order because most of us, if one still cares, tries to achieve it. Usually before making any rash decisions we will try conform to what we think order is.

Trying to bring some order to ourselves by following systems, beliefs or imitating what others tell you. We have a problem with a habit so one will try to follow a weird diet, join a religious or social group to find a system and method of order. Which can actually calm some confusion, bring a little better order and a bit more happiness. But calming some confusion, having a little better order is not the total or a bit more happiness isn't joy. Conforming to principles of what we think order is, but thought trying to override itself. Disorder is in our thinking of beliefs, desires and conclusions. Our thinking causes conflict with the boss, your opinions keep you from really listening to the spouse and the conclusions you have exacerbated situations which are the inner me.

Our inner disorder is not something you can clearly detect everyday unless one is very aware and attentive. We are aware of outer disorder when the house is a mess, our car has been neglected or the bank account is not kept up with this we know. This is the disorder of our lives which we sometimes can correct fairly easily. When the outer situations can no longer be tolerated we can put all our energy and focus to bring about some kind order. But the subtle thing about the messy disorder it too can become a habit of accepting, ignoring and tolerating until reaching extremes. On the other side trying to have a perfect order outwardly can become a compulsion also. Where anything seemingly out of place causes an anxious and panicky disturbance. We all know of these people in just a very minor violation of their conception order is like you committed a major sin.

Outwardly there are blatant signs everyday as disorder evolves to the point of needing a response. But in the deeper matters of our life or inwardly what is our mess, that which we neglect and fail to keep up? Is there an inner or psychological order so complete, meaning that it doesn't create problems for itself? Inwardly unless a certain incident stirs the pot or someone you trust points it out, many times we are unaware of disorder. In fact, if we are unaware and insensitive you very rarely sense or feel that this originates from inward at all. But you still see its effects outwardly recognizably on our relationships, the way we live and behave. There are many separate or different things that go into establishing disorder and in the proceeding chapters we will look at a few. Right now we are just looking exclusively at unhappiness what part this has in the pattern of disorder. Which is of course is the want of a situation to be different, the desire for the imagined better or that which is thought as more.

Let us make a few things crystal clear before we go any further so you don't get any wrong ideas. We are not saying that you should or shouldn't want a thing to be different, that to desire the better and more is wrong. The importance lies not in the judgment as right or wrong, but the wealth of understanding is that which is behind this movement or the deeper parts of self. This constant pulling back and forth of self or inner conflict is the disorder within which is what we call unhappiness.

As we begin to conclude this chapter we can see beginning with the fact which is unhappiness promises you nothing there are no guarantees. Yet assumption and presumption promises or guarantees the status quo will continue that of trying to turn unhappiness into happiness. Trying to appease and satisfy the desires as it is leaping from object to object, scenario to scenario trying to find fulfillment for the self.

Never seeing that this pattern denies the touching any joy or lasting happiness so to us living becomes very mediocre and boring. If you get anything out of this hopefully you can see the fact that unhappiness propels addiction and being addicted sustains unhappiness. You eat too much because of the unhappiness, which causes a weight problem. Or you drink too much alcohol to numb the feeling of being unhappy. Here the effect has now become the cause, which is a cycle that has to be broken for change to happen. The benefit of taking this radical approach depends solely upon your own inquiry and not by just accepting what the author says as fact or true. You becoming aware and attentive with the passion to explore or inquire for yourself is there any meaning to all of these words. Questioning and finding out how a fairly intelligent person such as yourself is controlled or dominated by any compulsion or habit.

What is it that I am not seeing as false? What is it that repetitive function I am yielding too? Seriously exploring and inquiring means we are not seeking just the mere ability to abstain from a particular substance or behavior. But going into all habitual and mechanical patterns of the brain, so if one is understood then the rest can be resolved.

#  Chapter 6  
Names, Labels and Descriptions

Within the art of communication we, society and the world attach words to a specific behaviors, actions or movements. From the specialized word we are able to communicate the inference, concept or idea one to another. With the word we can mentally categorize, compartmentalize and organize by the description a conceptual model that thought and the brain can grasp. Take for instance your own name that we answer to which merely separates and defines us from others. At times your name has substantial importance to ourselves and functioning in society. But as an interpreted value of who you are your name is very hollow or inconsequential description. A single name can't even begin to explain or describe all the intricacies and complexities that make up the "you." All of this being kind of obvious so other then what we previously stated, what good is a name or label?

But yet even at the mentioning of certain names or labels all the knowledge and past accumulated behind it immediately funnels in. Within this knowledge and accumulation are opinions, beliefs, past hurt or pleasure we basically already know many things by the mere name, label and description. Unfortunately this is how we think and our brains accept the description as the actual. We are educated and inundated with accepting and identifying with many such labels, names and descriptions. And likewise we apply the same in return to the world and the environment around. So this activity as we have it has become excessively important thing to do. This pattern of identifying and applying labels and descriptions has become such a common thing that we don't know who we are without them.

So, to really ask what or who we are without the labels is kind of a scary proposition too many. Because without them you would be nothing, is that right? Describing who we are by the work we do, your race, religion, country or status may have some superficial benefit for the casual bystander or passer-by. But what benefit is there in the deep sense of understanding ourselves and the meaning of living? Your work is only just a function you do to make money, but race is determined by skin color or other outward features. What religion we call ourselves is usually decided by the tradition one was born into. Is this the sum total of who we are a bundle, series or conglomeration of names, labels and descriptions? Some that I have willing accepted and others which were forced upon me? How we make a living, what race, religion we call ourselves or is there something beyond all of this? Does the life of a human being consist of more meaning, value and importance than this? These are questions you must ask and answer for yourself if not life takes on a meaning of being a functional task.

As we are merely actors performing a script in this tremendous thing called life. Outwardly our application of names, labels and descriptions within limits and boundaries is necessary. When used outside these limits they insinuate and communicate the classic stereotype, standard typecast or traditional image. It goes without saying the obvious societal and relationship problems caused by such. Many are aware of what stereotypes and images do but seem very helpless in doing anything about it. Some of these images on particular issues you can drop but the thought pattern manages to exceed its limitations or boundaries in other areas. Especially in the areas of deep emotional attachments like race, religion or nationalism. Letting go of the feelings, thoughts and sensations of being a part of these is unimaginable.

You may not see the great importance of this now, but it is a very interesting and intrinsic process to understand about ourselves. Understanding how this thought process of naming and labeling enslaves or condemns us to living in the distortions of the past. A past that divides into categories and compartments so maintaining conflict within ourselves and each other. Never allowing us to be a free and whole human beings that can relate with ourselves or to one another at a meaningful level. A level that is no longer hindered by stereotype, typecast or image from which there is division, conflict and some evils occur. This is a process that begins practically the day one is born in learning about this great new world of ours.

In this wondrous new world we begin learn the names, labels and how to describe things effectively. Soon we graduate to separating the "me" from the rest of the things within the environment. Why did this process of separating even begin, evolve and become a habit for the brain to do? What is the need or necessity that this function even to operate in this way? This automatic operation of thought that says this me or not me when obviously a thing isn't the same. In others words an independent process is accepting and rejecting dependent solely on the self's likes, dislikes or anxieties at the time. One hears the music that they like and it's accepted, but hearing a child make noise at the same volume is rejected. To approve of or find pleasure in something I can identify with that, but when the brain dislikes and perceives no reward it separates. In separating or dividing there is conflict and disturbance in the denial of what is.

The evolution of the pattern doesn't end there but the name, label and description becomes equivalent to the real. So just the mere word or description becomes a barrier to the actual. For this we say the process is programmed, conditioned as a part of the consciousness of me. The author maybe some kind of misfit or something, but this is very intriguing for one to go into. What gave or how did it come to be that the brain in its mechanical function has this kind authority? The authority to discriminate and control what it is to accept or reject?

If I call myself a Christian then imitating, conforming and portraying that image the best of my ability becomes very important to me. If one accepts the label of black or white man in that too we try to stay in the grooves culture has carved for us. Acceptance of a label or name by the substance used or the act committed is encouraged also has its images. Do we unconsciously imitate, conform and portray these also? Obviously we don't know because they are unconscious, but we can see the impact what socially negative labels or names do. They solidify guilt by constant memory of the past, reduces you to a category and becomes part of your identity. When you think and say (I am) something, it is virtually a self-fulfilling prophecy or a set up for a life of conflict. The self is many things yet we have these conclusions, judgments or beliefs that say this is what I am and always will be. When we do not even know what this thing called self actually is. If you don't get what I am saying, think about this for a moment and let it sink deep. You are not your name, race, profession or your addiction that you identify with. that is just thought and thinking.

You are much more than thought or thinking in that you feel, love and are part of this great universal movement. The label, name or the description only has value or is valued by how much you or the world gives it. To say you have a compulsion or addiction is just the conceptual description that only describes it outwardly. The real you is the thoughts, sensations and feelings that the brain keeps repeating.

#  Chapter 7  
Religion, Desire and Pleasure

Even before religion was called religion mankind has had the driving need to find and connect with that which is eternal, sacred and holy. While still in the caves he sensed, felt and envisioned this immeasurable, timeless and immutable spirit that created such beautiful creations. So they worshiped the earth, sun, moon or stars as the source of life and deserving all of their reverence. The driving need to find and connect pushed them to build idols, sacrifice their most prized possessions and quietly meditate for long hours. As mankind became more civilized he organized this by putting it in temples or mosques, using books to guide and making rituals to follow. But it seemed that the immeasurable, timeless and immutable spirit still remained at a distance from man. Within all of this some dedicated religious people thought the self or will was the reason for this distance and the inability to connect. Because inwardly, though desiring holiness and righteousness, they still wanted to perform some unholy pleasures and act on some unrighteous thoughts.

Even though there was enormous desire, ambition and determination to achieve the opposite the self or will would occasionally contradict this pursuit. So in their logic they thought by denying themselves and surrendering, it would bring them upon the spirit of goodness. Through self-mastery they would attain all the rewards of living now and in the after-life as well. So repression, suppression or to escape the unrighteous desires and unholy pleasures anyway they could became the mission. "Anyway they could," meant some horrendous mental and physical acts to force the self into compliance. They tried long term fasting, hypnotism and pounding themselves with a repetition words. Or retreated from society into a caves, flogged themselves and some have even cut off the offending body parts. This attempt at self-mastery became the traditional way to God, universal mind, immeasurable or whatever name it was given. Yet all this self-torment and the obsessive demand of the will did not cleanse them from their impure thoughts, "sinful" desires and want for destructive pleasures.

This look back at history is important because it is basically the same religious tradition many still follow today. Be it Christianity, Islam, Judaism or any of other religions most have followed down a similar path towards finding God or enlightenment. The tradition of this has been modified, adjusted and adapted a little over time but almost the same ways are practiced after thousands of years. Which has seemed to spawn a counter reaction or fortify another tradition in society which of late is growing stronger. Which says, do what you want, pursue all your desires and pleasures, there is no God or anything beyond me. Totally dismissing that there is anything beyond yourself is rather naive and shows little understanding of the self. Being consumed in pursuing the sensual or material of the world proves to be full of pain and suffering. Within this quagmire of traditions, beliefs and ideologies, how is one to look rationally at the issues pleasure or desire?

Sifting through this quandary and trying to live out the most appealing ideas or theories is what most do. Being led or looking for someone to tell us who say they know falls in line with our propensity towards dependency. This inclination to accept and be dependent what the authority or expert says then following and imitating, is something that lies deep within. Maybe this is a fact because of the way were educated, fear of being wrong or an issue of security, but whatever the reason, it's there. If we can look in spite of this propensity possibly you will begin to understand for yourself the problems of pleasure and desire. As we can see, religion is the one discipline that has seriously went into the issues of desire and pleasure with some depth. Religion of the ancients we know had least at some insight of the inner disturbance or disorder that desire and pursuing pleasure caused in man. But you really cannot tell it by the way organized religion deals with desire and pleasure today.

We only know religion as following a book or man as they try to express the nature of the creator. Where then you try to surrender or turn yourself over to the conceptual image you have formulated of that supreme force. In that belief we surrender hoping, demanding and praying that this force will cleanse us from our illicit desires and forbidden pleasures. Gathering all of energy, fight and effort conforming or complying towards the ideal that we desire to achieve. This is the religion most know, but what we are trying to communicate is a much deeper activity than this. An activity that understands or learns about desire, pleasure and also thought, which means becoming sensitive to whenever they arise. That we are aware not only of the condemned desires, pleasures and thoughts but as all of these appear consistently or benignly in everyday living.

To just follow or observe these things effortlessly from beginning to end as attention allows the mind to awaken where it is now discovering freely. Then religion becomes much more dynamic than the supplications, rituals or surrender but an action of intelligence and intelligent living. So we must consult the religion of this kind to see what it has to say in where one is to begin in the understanding of pleasure and desire. What the ancients in the discipline of religion focused upon and unsuccessfully tried to tame was the self. This self or I a movement that demanded to be satisfied and gratified at almost any cost. The "me" that reacts and responds many times in confusing or contradicting ways had became a most serious concern. This recognizably is also our concern or a logical place for us to begin to explore what pleasure and desire actually are.

Traditionally, the response as we have said has been to control, repress and suppress not to understand them. For many of you it seems almost unimaginable to think of living without handling an addiction or controlling a compulsion in this way. We are not saying this is possible nor accepting that it's impossible, but we want go into this challenge and test. Challenging the fact is the reasonable and responsible action because the self or me can at times run amok, though we do all we can to prevent it.

The way the brain finds pleasures and takes them to the excess creating pain and problems in living. How it desires one thing after another jumping back and forth from objects or goals. At one time relishing in the spiritual things and at the next moment fleeing into the sensual or materialistic nature of life. Keeping itself in the constant flux of contradiction and confusion are very good reasons to test this, seeing if it can change.

The individual variations of what one can find desirable or pleasurable is almost limitless. Anything that is attractive to our senses, where there is a hope for a reward and that stimulates our bodies can become a desire or pleasure. Even for some sick people, self-inflicted pain and violence towards others is satisfying. Clearly desire and the pleasure are some the most important and major dominating factors in our lives. Being so it is a fact for most people that being without desire and pleasure in life it would then be a torture and themselves become a pile a of mush. That they wouldn't be able to love, have sex, no motivation to work or even take care of their personal hygiene. Yet, we can all see that too much pleasure or acting on certain desires are destructive to self and others. That some cause a noticeable deterioration in the mind, body and spirit there is no doubt to this. So what are we to do?

Organized religions and societies' answer was to divide desire and pleasure into right, wrong, good and bad. As there are infinite amounts of desires and pleasures so to the multitude of levels or ranges as non-evil to the evil. But in all of its levels and ranges it still remains as pleasure and desire. For instance, the desire of the priest is the same desire of a bad man. Just that one has a saner and healthier core, so there is less pollution of action. Desire is like water if the author can use that analogy, and is dependent on the ground it travels, which determines the level of pollution. As water it can come in some different forms, accumulates at many levels and be altered in a lot of ways, but it still remains as water. Water is the same in Africa, America or Russia, as desire or pleasure is in all people.

One important point we want to highlight within this analogy is the accumulation factor. If you watch and observe desire and pleasure in some phases it is like a snowball rolling down a hill. Where it constantly acquiring more snow and energy as it travels. You may find pleasure in cup of coffee and after drinking it you may want that feeling to be sustained or the desire to heighten the sensation with a cigarette. When the snowball reaches the bottom of the hill it is now enormous in size with a great deal of energy. Instead of being a snowball as our analogy speaks of which has reached large proportions, it is desire and pleasure which has grown as a beast needing to be fed. If you go into it, this is a pretty good metaphoric description of an addiction or compulsive habit. But the description of it does nothing to solve the problem. What we can see from the described is that movement of desire and pleasure creates more of the same. So, a desire or pleasure which is thought to be trivial has the same construct as those given great significance.

What we have yet to mention is that desire and pleasure are somewhat protected by the brain and thought of in the way of fear. If we do not have the desire to love, will I fear losing the pleasure of a relationship? If the minister loses the desire to preach, he fears the loss of his congregation which has become his pleasure. Or if we lose the desire and memory of pleasure from sex, I think, what will happen to me? If in losing my habit or addiction, what is that which will now comfort me? If you look at some of these responses we may say that they are fairly logical dangers to be concerned about. Logical fears which may leave me alone in this world, with no occupation and make you even more of a miserable human being. Illogical fears can present themselves to the mind as logical and that is what makes fear so strong and deadly in any situation. Also, much of it is pushed deep into the unconscious so it's going on behind many things we do or don't act upon.

Encompassing our daily life we are never free of it and are always acting within the limits of fear. This is maybe the first time someone has pointed out that this whole process is a questionable one. Because of going unquestioned this issue of desire and pleasure which are already very important now become almost supreme factors in our lives. We even consciously devote energy or will power in attempt to increase or solidify them. We use them to motivate us in achieving something difficult or for maintaining the cutting edge of personality. You hear this all the time in the competitive circles. I became a success from desiring it more. I wanted it so bad that the fear of losing or not acquiring it kept me driving towards my goal. And so we are caught in this cycle of desire, pleasure and fear.

What are desire and pleasure without dividing them up into particular ones? Why have they become so important? These are very serious questions with a brain that has been strongly conditioned to function by desire, pleasure and reacting to fear. To just observe and watch this pattern without the content or background noise of thought is the beginning of change. What is desire and pleasure then? Something great may come out of this or very little or nothing at all in your eyes. Even in that very little or nothing you have began to become aware and somewhat attentive to desire and pleasure. How they arise in thought and begin to build momentum so that very doing is the action of change.

To just observe and watch in this way you are not replacing it with an alternative pattern or different mechanical process. Please see the importance of this! Within the whole capacity of the mind following a pattern or repetitive process is a mediocre and low level brain function. You know this is a fact if you have ever worked a mechanical or repetitious job. The mind can hardly stand it at times. When this tremendous capacity to become intelligent and creative is consistently reduced to the mechanical or mediocre it's an appalling state. The mind being dependent or constantly to be lead by desire, pleasure and fear is also such a similar state. Religion was supposed to assist us in thwarting the repetition of desire, pleasure and fear by pointing the way to the highest intelligence, love and the non-mechanical. But all organized religion have given us is beliefs, rules to obey and sentimental feelings which are only but more habit or repetition. And all of these still have a connection with desire, pleasure and fear. Anyone who has really seriously dealt with their addiction knows the real mental prison that desire, pleasure and fear bring about. You are well acquainted with the repetition of thought, feelings and sensation demanding to be gratified or screaming to be satisfied. Also, we know the part of the mind that is just sick from the pain, suffering and irrationality of the habitual behavior.

The long standing tradition of religion has made it "common sense" to approach a problem in only one way. Which has been by a belief or theory of a higher consciousness to master this obstinate and contrite self. So, the divided "me" instinctively tries to control, subdue or conquer that sorrow this is the traditional way. Where we have punished the self or forced it to follow some method or system in order to reprogram its intentions. What we think or call our actions are actually only reactions and responses still within the same prison walls. Because there is only one mind, one thinking process, one pattern of desire and pleasure. You try to think positive to find your way out, but your thinking has created the problem. Thought is desire, pleasure and fear, so it is not be able to solve or escape itself. So only when thought is quiet could we possibly find something new or can the mind be completely outside of a mental prison and thus take the right action.

#  Chapter 8  
Fear

The first real snowfall that has come to the Rockies this winter with barely a chill in the air. The snows arrival is a little later than in previous years, but yet it's coming is still timely and magnificent just the same. The appearance of the gracefully falling snowflakes on such an exceptionally mild day brings about a certain ease to the body and a quietness of the mind. The glaring whiteness of the weightless flakes pulls in your attention, capturing their every delicate movement and change. As if nature for a moment had dramatically drop its cloak and willingly availed its glory so that all could experience it.

When nature is so easily touched and completely sensed there is no self, past or future there only (Is). The author has attempted to describe this (Is) in greater detail, but always seems to come up short of its enormous nature. Any act of trying to describe the experience better or put in more envisioning words diminishes the actuality and reality of it. Words only seem to strip away at the prolific meaning behind that which has happened leaving it weak and insufficient.

Once you go through the experience it seems the mind never loses some of that quality that did the touching. Within that quality that allowed no self, past or future was accompanied by an additional element of perception. Subtly within all of this was the brain's absence of all fears. It was like fear had no comprehensible meaning. The great importance of this is that the brain maybe for the first time in its existence was totally free of fear. This is an amazing thing because a pattern had stopped which has been functioning the same way for countless years. Fear of losing your job, what neighbors will say, that someone may discover my past and many other fears. But for a moment the brain was outside of this pattern that it is accustomed to, so it was a new and fresh mind. Though this freedom was brief in measured time so that which was planted would last eternally.

The life and mind of modern humans are so busy working, trying to be a success and always seem to have be preoccupied by one thing or another. So watching a snowfall or some other beautiful thing happening in nature with complete attention would serve no relative purpose to most. But this is the way we have been educated to look at this whole movement of nature as something totally different and separate from us and our life. Most only know nature as something that needs to be controlled or conquered for our own comforts and personal benefits. So spurning nature we have a one-sided education, which says you must fit into, produce and become a functional piece of the world or society. So, the author mentioning an experience that has no functional use, many are not interested or basically they could care less. The author only brought up the experience not because this was exclusive to him and that he wanted to tell the world about it. He mentioned this because he thinks it is a fairly common experience to all and that many just deny, dismiss or escape.

It is even more frequent to those whose mind can be quiet and somewhat silent. He thinks this to be common because it is written about in many books and others have told him of their experience which seemed quite similar. The author's words may express it a little more articulately or poetically is the only difference. Though the many that do come onto this try to mentally enshrine it, recreate through forced meditation or some other spiritual acrobatics where it never happens again. Others just totally discount or brush it off as insignificant and settle back in their routine. We want to put emphasis on this experience because the brain has somewhat altered at that time. In that brief moment of contact there is a hint or the possibility arises that this could be a more continuous state in the mind.

Leaving the experience behind us we would like to see if this hint or clue it gave is actually a possibility that could be realized. This is an enormous question for one to ask because we are asking whether the old, accepted and strong pattern of thinking can begin to change. Not just merely alter itself momentarily, but begin to break the links in its chain of movements. This is actually fun to go into! Even the mere challenge of this question sounds exciting because there are some possible intriguing changes that could come out of the investigation. Think about it! For the mind to live in the freedom absent of fear, the past and future what a tremendous thing to be involved in if only it may be temporary! But before we get too carried away with ourselves there is a tricky part to this question. Our inquiry and exploration has to begin in the old pattern and not presuming or assuming something different.

Because the old is what we know every day to assume something new is to delve into imagination and illusion. This is the way we approach many things in life chasing after what we have been told or presumed exists. Running after the assumed more, better or the ideal which leads one into fantasy, illusion and delusion. The brain is so cunning in this way to where wanting something very badly and not being able to get it, that it will accept the similar, imitate or substitute. We don't want to be caught up in all of this mess so we begin with the fact of what we are now. If we are able to let go of the old pattern so maybe the other will take its place? Many will not admit this, but fear is what we are accustomed to and experience the most. We have the fear of death, or to live, afraid of your spouse and what the certain people will say to just mention a few. And we have unconscious fears as well so to deny that fear is not fairly common in our lives or one is deluding themselves.

Fear being common in our lives, it is behind many of our actions and branches out into all areas of living. When even reaching a moderate level of severity fear is one of the most horrible states a human mind can be caught in. Being a part of the psyche or our thinking it pairs itself with things we describe as anxiety, apprehension or worry. Anxiety or panic attacks can virtually turn life into a living hell where escaping and avoiding this torment takes on an overriding significance.

The brain knows fear, anxiety or panic from the past confrontations so it has developed a system or network for its security. A network that rejects, resists, believes beliefs and avoids potential fear causing situations or agitation. Where it can feel safe or protected from outward things and the inward disturbances as well. So, living becomes a restricted and narrowed affair where there is no freedom, creativity or joy. Because fear has touched all parts and is built into our lives separating fears have only minimal importance. It would be superficial to say what we should, should not, must or must not fear but look at the problem as a whole.

Resolving fear completely or the importance of being free from it is not something high on our agenda in living. We can avoid, tolerate and even sometimes solve the oppressing ones so our lives remain rather secure. Many fears do not appear until the tree of our security is shaken hard enough, though. When a man has his security in a financial situation and something comes to dramatically rattle it, there is the state of extreme fear. A relationship in jeopardy of being lost, or an actual death shakes belief, so fear is immediately there. So it is highly improbable that you would be able to come face-to-face and conquer all or your deepest fears. Not only because you can't know a lot of them, but the environment sometimes presents new ones. Life changes, modifies and technology continues to be adventurous so being challenged with a fear producing situation is never too far. Also, when fear is such a part of normalcy recognizing it behind our everyday motives is very difficult.

When the author talks to many people about it there is an opinion of fear being as a necessity in living. That it is a self-protective response towards possible harm and to avoid danger. In discussing fear with others for simplicities sake and quick comprehension we divide fears into two kinds, the logical or illogical ones. But there is an inherent problem in this simplicity and speedy explanation that we miss some fundamental questions, so we will not do that here. Because how are we to know or who is that which will decide between the rational or the irrational? Especially since the very quality of fear makes itself appear logical in many situations? Obviously it has to be seen completely and almost immediately or else fear runs its course. When we want understand fear the name or word we give this reaction or sensations matters profoundly. The name we use in this case is most important because the brain over time has built very strong associations and robust sensations in the word itself. Some people you can just casually use the word fear in conversation and get unexpected reactions or emotions. Or to just think the word fear and you can notice some arising sensations or movements in the self. The word being overly important to the brain means we need a clear parameters to when the use is appropriate.

When we begin questioning the appropriate times and occasions to call certain reactions fear you have begun approaching it in a totally different way. In that kind of inquiry alone there is a freedom to look at it new without the conclusions of the past. A past that has defined and measured many reactions or experiences in the terminology of fear. You are now free to see whether some of these things we previously determined or called that in a different light. Because just may be that it wasn't fear that moved or didn't move you, but was the intelligence of seeing danger. Intelligent enough to see the actions and reactions that will hurt yourself or another. We had to introduce this terminology because of a void in our language and education which best describes an action that is absent of fear. Just merely to use the expression of being fearless as we usually do, tells us nothing. Or to define it by using the opposites or reactions to fear of courage, faith and confidence still leaves us empty.

For the author to explain what he is trying to get across, let us use this example. In that how would you best describe a person who is dared by another to put their hand on a hot stove? He or she sees the danger and it is unintelligent thing to do so we could not reasonably say they are afraid or fear. But in different situations where the same logic can be applied, it is expressed in the language of fear. Though to see danger is intelligent, it feels different then fear and one correctly acts where the other does not. They are totally dissimilar, but yet the two are commonly combined and the action of seeing danger is ignored. As we have said, this contradiction is even rooted in our language, tradition, society so even the dictionary make no distinction between the two. If we see a foreboding danger our expression is that I was afraid this may happen. Or we understand a probable reaction one will get from another and it is said that we fear the consequences. When actually we see that it is just the dangerous, unintelligent or stupid thing to do. The dictionary actually lists the seeing of danger as one of the prerequisites to fear. But if we are awake, aware and intelligently see danger, is there fear at all? Thought ruminating, obsessing and chattering of what may happen in the future there is definitely fear in this. We begin to see that fear is within the field of thought and time, but the seeing of danger is immediate or swift. In the midst of writing this a question comes to mind, "Why can the mind see to physical dangers fairly easily but psychological ones are so difficult to capture?"

The brain quickly responds when you are near a cliff or see a child in danger where there is no time to build courage, self-confidence or faith. But yet it does not act or react to the danger of hate, addiction or other destructive ways of behavior? What have we done to the brain that it functions in this way? Why does the brain ignore this psychological danger? Please do ask yourself this! Getting back to what we were previously going over some minimal parameters which have been established to set fear apart from the perception of danger. These parameters of thought and time gives us some insight or way in being able to step away from continuous framework of words and terminology. Now when one is aware they are caught in the process of thought and time, we can cease to feed into it by prolonging the conflict.

Watch this for yourself the conflict of fear is prolonged and increased by trying to change or escape it. So with that, understanding which fears we keep, not challenge and those to let go of has very little meaning. We can now watch and observe thought without becoming emotional, rattled or confused from the sometimes disturbing content it carries. The content which many times is fear, meaning what the thought holds or communicates. Which could be merely be a repeated excerpt the latest news or movie that effected you. Something that we have experienced in the past, our prejudice or a negative belief that has been drummed into you. When the content doesn't take on such grandiose importance we can be conscious of the movement and stay with it. This happens before it reaches a certain level of intensity where escape or repression is the only relief. So maybe if our minds are quick we can catch the thoughts in their origin thereby getting a glimpse into the whole nature of it. But when fear reaches great intensity to understand, it is somewhat difficult because affects the mind, body or the total "me."

Fear that has this greatest of intensity can also reveal some things about its nature. One is that in the moment of it you are that. The self or "me" are the sensations and feelings and this all happens very quickly but then thought eventually comes seconds later and names it as fear. Fear is condemned as not being a good thing, so I now want to change this or do something about it. We reject, deny or escape it so I have now separated and divided myself from that though it is me. This so important for us to understand as human beings but more explicitly by those who are caught in the throes of an addiction or compulsion. Because there could a hundred different fears just centered on what you are doing and have done in your addiction. Socially unaccepted bad habits or compulsions can be humiliating, a source of ridicule and personally embarrassing. So there is constant fear of being ostracized, of being talked about, isolated and alone.

But yet there is still a deep down fear of ending it there could be the psychological tug-of –war of "being mine." Also, it is used by those whom are supposed care about and love you or they say they do, anyway. The wife tells you she's going to leave and the doctors says it will be the death of you, but the self won't let it go. You know the addiction is unhealthy, killing you, causing so much chaos and misery. Trying with all your energy to stop and refrain but you just can't for any nominal period of time you don't need an expert or someone else to tell you that your addiction is a problem. If they have to do this then you are way out there living in a dream world, which most of us are not. They use actual dangers which many translate into fear trying to get you to stop, but it doesn't work. What will make the self let go of this? Not being able to discover the answer to this can also be a source of fear.

#  Chapter 9  
Anger

In the talking about of addictions and compulsive behavior the topic of "Triggers" usually comes up within the discussion. In case you don't already know what is meant by triggers, they are the people, places and things that one strongly associates with their addictions. The association of past incidents or experiences both pleasurable and painful that could cause one to malinger in choice. It is said that one should be conscious to these incidents, experiences or triggers so as to avoid the temptation of falling back. Obviously what the people, places or things trigger are the thoughts of past pleasure or the memory of an available outlet to escape. When your habit is at an acute stage where desire is running rampant, little control or just breaking the physical hold recognizing triggers is necessary. But where is one to go or to move from there? You cannot live your life avoiding, denying, and doubting every step taken you would become neurotic. To try build trust and confidence in self is that the answer? What is the self that I can trust and be confident in it?

We can see that being conscious of the people, places you go or the things you are involved has its merits at a certain level. But to only be aware of these is very shortsighted, superficial or mediocre because "myself" is the greatest of all triggers. The outward destructive things just fall away when I am serious and see it is necessary to change. The motive and drive that keeps me seeking toxic relationships, visiting the wrong places or seeking stimulation all begins inwardly. Inwardly or psychologically you have formed the relationships, found security in the places and have developed the habitual behaviors. The outward triggers will always be there just with different faces, names and packages. So unless the inner motives and attachments are understood, we will just merely repeat, exchange and substitute. Exchanging or substituting for that which only appears to better, positive and more suitable never totally ending this pattern.

It is commonly thought that by the altering of the outer things or environmental circumstances will be the vehicle to bring about change to the inner me. Which is partially true as a change of an outer situations can allow one to feel more safe or secure and our thinking can become a little clearer. Being a little clearer you can somewhat let down your guard modify and drop a few superficial things that comes from being defensive in a conflicting environment. But the outer has never solved completely our deep inner issues because the pattern never changes significantly. The pattern or habit of something has to end before there can be a dramatic or revolutionary change. If my watch is functioning in the same pattern the only dramatic change would be for it to stop. It may operate slower or faster, but the process or mechanics are still the same.

You can give a poor greedy man millions of dollars and he may appear outwardly as dropping greed. Soon as there is insecurity in not having the millions, he returns to the greed. Or in a secure environment away from the object of your compulsion can give you a sense of freedom, but away from the security one is severely challenged at times. Once we cease looking outwardly for something to change or help us our awareness and attention can go more to the inward. Being aware or attentive I can observe and see what my patterns are. There are much deeper patterns than the external of people, places and things, but the process of reactions, motives or drives which are at the root of all our actions. Going to and understanding the root means the possibility of a real change can come about and not just merely modification or adjustments. One of these such deep rooted reactions, motivators and drivers which we have decided to look at is anger. We chose anger because at one time or another this is a problem in our lives which happens to be identified by many as a powerful trigger related in their compulsion.

To begin to understand anger we have to be aware how it is perceived by us personally and society as well. The perception many of us have is that there is a right, wrong, good or bad anger which always subjective to an individual's point of view, values or particular circumstance. Along with this there is a prevalent theory or a common belief that the emotion of anger can be controlled and manipulated for the positive. We have all heard the sayings "to go work off some that anger or to put that energy into "something constructive." To somehow channel or dispel the feelings of aggression into something productive and positive is the highly touted concept. We have done this, but anger catches us by surprise where we do and think some awful things, so then this emotion is bad or wrong. But the aggression is good or right when we use it to push difficult situations, get the job promotion we want or in defending ourselves. So we are always suppressing, repressing or acting out anger with some heavy consequences to ourselves and others. This is the contradiction and confusion we live in but does it have to be so? To begin to answer such means we must be free of contradictory and look at it fresh. Letting go of all past experiences with it is both good and bad and has formed our conclusions and judgments so to just observe it. See what this thing called anger is for yourself.

We all know there are many things or a multitude of situations that could cause anger to show itself and arise. Even if you lived in a cave many miles away from all humans it is there. Anger can come from not having enough sleep, eating properly or being physically ill. Competition and ambition which both we and the world operate by is also a major source of anger. To be good or successful in the field of sports it takes a certain amount of anger, aggression and violence that you unleash on your opponent.

If not physically, then mentally and that is our goal to bring down the opponent. Many cannot control this hyped up aggression off the field or in arenas so their problems with living it constantly appears in the headlines. Of course sports is not the only arena where competition and ambition are encouraged but even in business, school and even the church this is subtly urged. So we almost accept occasional anger at certain levels as being natural, normal and healthy.

But how am I to decide or who is to tell me when my display of anger is natural, normal or healthy? Anger has been a serious problem with mankind since the beginning of time so this question has been asked by man many times. But we come up with the same answer attempting to regulate, control and sedate it. The answer has lead to the acceptance and sometimes encouragement of anger as a normality in life so dropping it would this have any meaning? To understand and let it go totally while living in this cruel, competitive and brutal world, is this a possibility we even want to consider? Without this anger and aggression what would happen to us? Would people just walk on, take advantage and disrespect you?

These are some serious questions for one living in this world today but can they be answered? It seems the only way they could be answered completely is by doing it or actually dropping and letting go of anger. When we drop or let go of it something else takes its place with and there is new kind of understanding. Anger towards another person. You are callous and indifferent once dropping that completely and one becomes a little more sensitive and intelligent. If these are not good enough reasons for going into seeing if we can resolve anger, then maybe the guilt, shame, and self-condemnation of when it explodes will be. The explosion isn't always of the outward violence type, but it can be an implosion that is unseen. The internalizing of it causes us to sedate ourselves, escape in destructive ways and be obsessed by revenge. Anger dims the light of life or living carrying with it a perspective that induces pain and suffering to a level that is sometimes only tolerable.

We all know this, so do you think we should at least inquire to see if we can end it all? Or reduce incidents of anger very substantially isn't this very important? If thinking we need some anger to keep our edge in business or the work we do, is it realistic to let all that go? How would that work though allowing or even enjoying anger in one area and then trying turning it off for another? If one was to see the necessity of letting go of anger, how and where would you begin? Would you try to practice what we think humility is, suppress down anger as it arises or escape with some other method at our disposal? If anger has been ever considered a serious issue for us then we have probably tried some or all of these ways. But at some level you find yourself still regretting what you have done because of it.

With all these techniques, systems and methods proving to be insufficient our first step to inquire or explore into this would mean being attentive to the fact of it. And not the presumption or assumption that you need or don't need a little anger to live in this world. Or that it is right, wrong, good, bad or even why you are just watching and observing to understand this movement. What does it feel like, how quickly thought names the sensation and ruminates upon the provocation. Of course you can only be attentive to actual fact at that time when anger arises right now. It could be far away. So we want to mention something else that you can be aware of at the moment. We see the ego, my image of me or the past plays a huge role in anger. If I get angry or not when someone steps on my toes, feel disrespected or someone disagrees with me, it is dependent upon the ego, image or the past. In later chapters we will go more in depth about the ego and images as of now we want to look at just the past seeing its role in anger.

The human behaviorist and others say that you can work anger off, dissipate or channel it and surely this may work for the immediate. But what we are asking is if certain incidents accumulate over time as marks on the memory or emotional hurt? Memories which formulate our core reactions and responses which makes them basically a product of the past. Where the accumulation of these marks and hurts come to surface as anger or whether they be provoked or unprovoked. Of course there is no scientific or hundred percent way to prove this, but we can see what commonly happens. We can see in ourselves that anger has a way of building and accumulating to where it almost constantly with you. To where we even walk around with "chip on our shoulders" daring someone to knock it off. This is the deep hurt we must get to if one is to break this continuity of past meeting and acting in the present. The psycho-therapist will take you as far back even into childhood trying to end this continuity where you may discover why. But will knowing why you are hurt heal the wound and resolve the anger? Many people know they are psychologically hurt from racism but it is never healed or the anger wiped away. Also, can we possibly know all the hurts since so many are pushed deeply into the unconscious?

Anger we sometimes say is justifiable, a natural mechanism of self-defense and even has been designated in some situations as being "righteous." It may or could be all of these at times, but how would the individual know? Our ego is so over-inflated to who we are, with an overly sensitive self-image and holding onto past sordid insults, how is one to be sure? If you really care about your behavior then these are important questions for you. Because those who are sensitive don't get over our angry reactions very easily or too immediately. Even when thinking it was the appropriate or a normal response still there is an inner disturbance. You brood over your reaction and punish yourself with regret, guilt, self-condemnation for long periods of time and nothing really changes. You may learn to control the reaction in that particular situation, but then there are new challenges. So being sure or if there is correct situation to express anger has enormous implications on living. Because this is the repetitious pattern or way we have been handling anger for years living a life of contradiction and confusion. Taking instances of anger one-by-one, on guard against becoming angry and are never free to live.

There are many variables and situations that can be catalysts to anger, so this could go on forever. It only makes sense we understand this movement of anger completely or totally if there is to be any real change. That is why we say staying with the fact of it is so important and not escaping or trying to change it, which is our present pattern. To be and stay with the fact of anger is extremely difficult to really look at after it has reached certain degrees of intensity. The pressures of finances, exhausting work we do and the conflicts we struggle with doesn't leave much energy to be aware, alert or attentive. So anger is upon us many times in full force before we even know it and then the cycle of punishment begins again. Having only limited energy and the mind being slowed from overwork, we must begin at the elementary level.

What we call our "pet peeves" or things that merely irritate us are the somewhat elementary. Because they are more repetitive, a little slower and you are aware of some of them already. These do not have such intense energy of emotion behind them, but yet reveal a great deal about the self, ego and the past. In your pet peeves you get to see the psychological self in all its grandeur of opinions, beliefs and conclusions. It is relatively easy to become attentive and capture this as the self gets perturbed, disgusted or impatient in its habit of dislike. Maybe only occasionally you can catch this movement but even in the brevity of it causes a change. This change is a part of freedom in what I have been conditioned for many years to repeat and react. Do you see it? Now I am free to watch and observe.

Obviously, we have been getting mixed messages about anger from society, tradition and culture that has left us in a sort of quandary. We are demanded and encouraged to be competitive and ambitious in all areas of life which precipitates anger. Of course you are told not to let your competitiveness or ambition go beyond a certain point and to keep them under control. But we all know that many times irrationality gets the best of us. Or you whitewash all this by saying this is natural or merely the survival of the fittest and where only the strong survive. Even though it may be natural for some animals, but is it for us humans? Even some of the religions have accepted the notion of anger being natural and the responses to it. They call it "righteous or moral anger." But is there such a thing or not?

If there is such a thing who determines it to be righteous or moral? To defend yourself against physical attack is natural, obviously it is self-defense. But sometimes do we defend the illusions created by self and me? Defend our position in life we have achieved, our status, fame or infamy.

Are we protecting with our anger the psychologically injured self from further hurt? Or things we identify with like religion, race or country? Do we actually like anger and find pleasure in it? To use it to control others, to intimidate, and bully in order to get what we want? Truly, anger can be rewarding and pleasurable when used to gratify and satisfy the self and ego.

#  Chapter 10  
Jealousy, Envy and Greed

All three of these: jealousy, envy and greed deserve their own full length chapters because they are such significant motives behind many things we do. They are the conscious and many times unconscious motivators that push us to compete or measure ourselves with one another. We customarily acknowledge the competition of jealousy, envy or greed in the material of cars, beauty and status.

But we also measure it inwardly as in knowledge, spirituality and virtues, though it is less obvious. So what we are basically saying that the whole of life can be effected by these three. We will combine them in one segment here because they all seem so closely related in many ways. Jealousy and envy are so similar in feeling or emotion that it sometimes hard to even distinguish the two apart. While greed is many times the reaction to satisfy or put to rest the agitation of the other two emotions.

Strong desire, acquiring and possessing is the central core of the three, but they all seem to slightly differ in this. Jealousy though tends to be different from envy and greed because it usually has that emotional investment in a person or thing. This emotional investment or psychological attachment is many times equated, thought of or identified as love and that gives it great vitality. All of us know quite a bit about these three because there has been a great deal written about them over the centuries. We have heard the many stories and examples of others who have been taken away by the jealousy, envy or greed. Our parents, school and religious teachers have preached to us about all the negatives or evils that happens when one of them gains the upper-hand.

Through all of this experience we only know that these are bad qualities and we shouldn't have them. Knowing they are wrong or bad we want to deny that they even exist in us. But the reality is sometimes we become conscious of these which disturbs the image one has of themselves. If we care and the full force of that awareness is allowed to manifest, it's kind of a shock to us a first. Then the shock wears off and it is like someone has dropped a hundred pound emotional weight on our shoulders. So immediately we try to deny or change it by blocking the thoughts or try to counter the reality by becoming and doing the opposite. The pattern of the opposites is that when I am jealous to be insensitive and detached from the one you love. When envious is the self denial of some better things or giving away all your material possessions as the opposite of greed. We can see this pattern of responding is no solution, so how do we go beyond this pattern?

Let us begin our inquiry with jealousy since it is probably the most recognizable and commonly one to come in contact with of the three. Maybe if we understand this one we can comprehend how to deal with them all. Jealousy in the world, our movies and books is almost treated like a normal and rational reaction that validates love. To love something in our thinking and vocabulary is one of the most powerful emotions or words in our language. It is a word that still carries great significance with us even though we throw around and misuse it in many superficial ways. When it comes to things of a serious nature there isn't a more dynamic word than love. Somehow in our thinking jealousy has gotten twisted and intertwined with the meaning of love. Even in Christian writings they have God being a, "Jealous God." If he can be that, then why not us mere humans?

We humans even take it one step further creating situations to provoke jealousy to see if that person supposedly loves you. Though to react and respond too fervently means you are foolish, crazy or said to be insanely jealous. This is pretty sick and an insane game to play whether it is done consciously or unconsciously trying to find security in a reaction. This behavior is in many of our relationships or what we call a relationship and that it becomes natural to some. If we see jealousy has nothing to do with love, it is a giant step into reasonableness. It actually prevents love, trust, honesty and oneness because in jealousy the number one concern is me. My feelings, past pleasures and fears I may to lose you, so actually it is all about me. In an intimate relationship it is the responsibility of the other to help their mate feel as secure as possible, not provoke insecurity. But we are so insecure ourselves that these games of using the reaction of jealousy to measure one's devotion fits perfectly into our pettiness.

For us who are sensitive to jealousy, what is one to do about it? Because it is painful, causes strife in relationship and makes me do irrational things. So it is necessary and urgent that I change! Jealousy, if more than just an irregular happening but if it is a fairly frequent affair, it becomes quite the torment. The contradiction and conflict the mind is cast into is difficult to handle. So we usually escape or try to detach ourselves from the object or person to gain relief. We escape and detach by ignoring, numbing our feelings, trying not to care or distancing ourselves. So obviously there is no love in this, but only the escalation of fear, anger and the destruction of relationships. Jealousy doesn't stop because we detach from a particular object or person, but we only substitute it for something else. Something else that we think is more secure or we can keep a safe distance while reaping the pleasure and denying any sort of closeness.

From this we see the object or person is not the cause, but our attachment and dependency is the pain of jealousy. You will always find something to attach to and depend upon if that is who we are. Then how are we to deal with inclination to overly attach and dependent upon others? To break free of the jealousy so we can have a good, trusting and loving relationship? Having a good, loving and trusting relationships is probably one the highest priorities on our lists of successful living. Without right relationship life living becomes a rather mediocre and mundane sort of an affair. The isolation, emptiness and loneliness exacts a heavy price for being out of relationship or unconnected to anyone. Though it has this kind of meaning and importance relating to one another we lack the willingness or concern to really listen, feel and understand each other.

To relate means we are connected not only physically or "by blood," but also being able to feel and think together. On the occasions where we do listen or try to understand each other hearing is through our beliefs, conclusions and opinions. Which have a tendency of dividing us and when we are divided there is conflict. Being divided and separated there is only a superficial relationship if there is any connection at all. So we begin to see that relating to one another intimately and not so intimate is somewhat difficult but yet has profound meaning in joyous and peaceful living. To find a relationship of substance that is agreeable or the sharing of some mutual feelings and desires is somewhat of a rarity. This precious thing I make a part of me and mine, so when there are threats of losing the psychological me is jealous. They give me my care, affection or pleasure, so if somebody even looks or talks to them it shakes us up. The fact is you can only love them. They are not your possession and for if one has it their mind to leave, what can you do?

Because we are possessive, dependent and overly attached, our answer to this last question has meant to become violent, depressed or manufacture detachment. It is very common to see this daily in the environment of the jilted jealous lover who reacts in one or all of these three ways. Hopefully we can take logical account of the pain, suffering and sorrow involved in being possessive, dependent or overly attached. Then, see if we can move away or let those things go so we can be sane, intelligent and whole human-beings. Where love and affection is not found in a single person or object, but flourishes within ourselves. For possessiveness, dependency and attachment actually denies real love and affection for it is merely craving and the desiring of what things can give to us. It becomes all about fulfilling me and providing my psychological security. Is there a love where the "me" wants nothing out of it? An action consciously or unconsciously that doesn't have a motive or a desire to be rewarded and reciprocated? If you think about it this seems to be the only real love.

Living in America where society is so sensually and materially driven greed and envy are more subtle to comprehend than that of jealousy. It almost seems that comparing or measuring what we have to one another is like a competitive sport in the culture. To be up on the latest knowledge, have the newest gadgetry or own the updated version of something is encouraged and expected. Many of us want and chase the better job, higher status or your dream house which many times should be rightfully so.

But it seems within all of this desiring and pursuing we become one dimensional human beings. A single dimension where there is only constant striving for the more or better dominating and overshadowing the whole. The whole of living in where one also wants to discover if there is anything beyond him or herself. To explore the meaning of living, love, compassion and truth this is another obvious dimension to mankind. If we are always looking and trying to acquire the more or better outwardly, we never exactly see inwardly who we are now. Which seems much more important because now that I am out of relationship, my life is in a mess and living seems rather meaningless.

Though some of us are highly aware of our greed and envy so we will try to suppress, act contrary to what we think they are. And we will go to great lengths not be perceived by yourself or others as such. We will give our money, time and tolerate distasteful situations proving to our conscience and public perception that these thing don't exist in us. But envy and greed are not things you can prove or disprove by outward acts. (We can basically outwardly profess we are envious or greedy but that's about it in terms of outward proof.) The motive and movement for the more or better can only be a subjective determination. A person could give a great deal of money away because they want their name on a wall for more status, gain some additional influence or to elevated themselves in the eyes of others. Which doesn't appear as being envy and greedy, but the motive behind it can be exactly that. Many of us are not aware of the underlying motive, so unless the material objects cause financial problems or become a painful obsession do we even consider it.

If I have a grudge and dislike of a person because of envy we can sometimes recognize that as being the driving force. Or if my appetites become more and more overwhelming, then I can occasionally be aware that greed may be influencing it. Though to just look at envy and greed you see they play an important role in the psychological self or ego to go unnoticed. The more and the better I posses then the greater security for the self and ego. The self's strength is in identification and association so by the car I have, house we own or job, one has that and is compared and measured to others. So by outward proof what I think I am is true, that which desire to become is actualizing and people are seeing me as a success. There many questions that arise when you actually see this, like who created this me that where a car, house or job defines as a success? How did this self come about that outward accomplishments are how I measure my worth?

How much or what little the pattern of jealousy, envy and greed plays in the continuity of an addiction is questionable. But what's not debatable is being part of the disorderly process that has so much effect upon our lives. The inward disorder of the confusion, contradiction, fear and frustration that these conditions bring are reality you can't escape. The only way out is to see if the mind can free itself from them. If the mind can free itself from one part of disorder, then possibly we will understand how to end the rest of it. To understand anything means we have to come close to the actual motivating factor as we can. Like a cancer researcher they take actual parts of the disease and then observes and watches it under a microscope to find the motivating factors. Can we take jealousy, envy or greed which are parts of disorder and watch, observe and come close to that?

#  Chapter 11  
Mechanical-ism

We are all fairly familiar or somewhat aware of the mechanization of our lives at some level. Anyway, it shouldn't be anything new to us. If we have ever worked a job or attended classes that demanded a great deal of personal sacrifice and a stable routine, then you know what being mechanical is. After a lengthy period of this day-after-day routine and well defined ritual, life seems consumed in a clockwork style of operation. Or in other words everyday becomes somewhat predictable, repetitious or mechanical. Some people seem to like the highly regimented and well structured lifestyle because there is a certain kind of order and security in it. For others the same kind of ordered living is a constant struggle and full of emptiness weighing heavily upon their psyche. Most of us though seem to maintain or stabilize ourselves somewhere in between the extremes of liking and or detesting this repetition. We balance between the two because both have sorrow in it and leave you with the feeling of no personal freedom.

One unchangeable fact about our minds and hearts is the appetite to be free or their demands to have freedom in living almost like the body's necessity for food. Our minds and hearts need this freedom where they can be nourished by the energy of joy, love and peace while living in a demanding, grueling and burdensome world. This most precious energy that surrounds us is being wasted in the mechanical, imitative and habit which makes a mockery of living. This repetition of our lives isn't something that we are all oblivious too or most difficult to recognize but it's with us every day. For the author to make such a statement brings a touch of sadness in him. Because it is accepted as normal, the way to live and we don't ask if there is anything beyond this which is sorrowful. Many will openly admit and frankly discuss the utter boredom and the insignificance of life that this mechanical lifestyle brings.

The lack of enthusiasm, joy or vitality within this lifestyle is commonly and regularly spoken about without hesitation. It's like being caught in a trap thinking there is no possible way out and are too afraid to try to find a way. The days we can have off or break from this pattern are like a reprieve from a death sentence hoping to strike it rich somehow and free ourselves. The time can't come soon enough for us to where we can feel free, entertain our pleasures and escape which too becomes part of the routine of mediocrity. And when we do try to break this it only creates a new set of problems. This pattern is repeated year after year, sometimes tipping heavily towards one side of the extreme and then swaying in the other direction the next week. Not adjusting in the proper direction, we then lose all freedom and have no spiritual life or risk not having food, clothes and a home, so we tilt back and forth. In this is where the sadness for mankind comes in because there is no freedom, creativity or joy in living.

The example we chose to illustrate the struggle within a segment of mechanical living is a very serious one. Especially with many artists, scientists and those on a spiritual quest. They deal with this exact problem quite frequently when trying to capture the untouched rhythm, malingering vision or the elusive insight. Creativity and freedom has somehow worked their way into the heart, mind or blood of some individuals to where being overly mechanical brings internal conflict. The mechanical is anti-creative and non-free so this balancing act becomes a duality in living. This struggle and battle we describe is far from being exclusive to just these occupations or people. We all at times hunger for the non-mechanical, to touch that which is immeasurable and that which has no beginning or end. The creative living which will transform life into an exciting adventure in freedom, radiating with bliss and full of meaning. Though our illustration of the mechanical is relevant to all people, it may fall short in communicating the essence for some of you.

Because you may have built or formed a vibrant stream of tenacity and resolve within yourself. So finding a comfortable balance is fairly easily done. So our example may not impact or motivate you to really explore and inquire into this as the author hoped it would. Because struggling and forcing yourself to do the things it doesn't want is a natural, accepted way and we even think this inner conflict is necessary. Being tenacious and having complete resolve have their proper places and at times we can all agree on that, but where or when are they appropriate? How will we know or who would tell us? Because that too becomes mechanical, repetitious and habitual. If we look at this deeply to be tenacious and to have resolve implies a system, ritual or method to follow. It means you already know how to get from point A to B and it is a matter of practicing and forcing yourself to comply. This is like saying I will become more mechanical in order to find the non-mechanical. You see this all the time when meeting people who have great tenacity and strong resolve to find God, truth or love. Thinking that by studying a book, practicing a ritual, forcing themselves to meditate or follow some philosophy they will achieve that which is not repetitious, beyond the habitual and non-mechanical. If you talk and listen to them closely to what their determination has revealed, you really don't hear anything new or original. Mainly they just repeat what they have read, been told or seen acted out. They may put things in a different way, say some catchier phrases or even have a more electrified persona, but it is all product of mechanicalism.

As you can see, the author added the suffix of ism to the word mechanical, which is not commonly used and rarely thought of. We previously defined what we meant by the mechanical in concerning humans, but with the ism attached it takes on a little different meaning. As with racism, capitalism and communism these isms are patterns of thinking, believing and living. These isms all form firm conclusions of a one-way perception in a particular area or direction. Basically, isms hold an attitude that if it's not this way, then we should be kind of perspective. The author by using the word mechanicalism is implying that this is a formation that is also true appearing in the mechanical and habit in our lives. The author may be completely wrong about this, but it seems we want to make our lives as mechanical as it can be. We do this possibly because it is easier to live this way and there is more security in life being predictable, repetitive and habitual. We know this as a pattern in the way the brain tries to turn everything pleasurable or rewarding enough into a habit. While systematically and methodically avoiding that which is not pleasurable, you dislike or fear. A system or method established from the past and routine that we can be conscious of, but usually unconscious. So in essence we are mechanical without being aware of it. So have we have narrowed down our brains and lives to this? Merely reacting and responding by the brains determination of what would bring pleasure, pain or reward versus punishment?

We are not saying that that you should deny yourself of that which is pleasurable or rewarding as that would be too stupid. Or that you should do what is not pleasurable, you dislike or fear which also could also be very dangerous. When our behaviors and actions are driven by these unconscious influences, it is the system of the automated. The importance of this is that the mind is inattentive while the brain functions according to the programmed or conditioned pattern. In this complex and difficult world of no security we live it is almost easier to function mechanically then really be attentive. Because it easier if I can react and respond like everyone else then you can feel secure and not alone. A monkey's life may seems easier also, so we should all imitate that? This is probably part of the reason of what makes the mechanical so difficult to break because everyone else is doing it.

For anything to be even called a pattern or system there has to be an established set principles that are fairly consistently applied or followed. Whether these principles are ones that you have devised or come from someone else implies a repetition of response. We measure, compare and calculate many of our situations and incidents according to how they fit into the principles of beliefs, opinions or conclusions.

As a Christian only listens to a Muslim through their prejudices, biases and beliefs determining from a pattern what they can accept and cannot. The capitalists have their system of conclusions or beliefs and a communist has his, so they are looking to agree or disagree, but are never really listening. Being mechanical has its own prejudices, biases and conclusions where the imagined reward, past pleasure, pain and fear are the principles. So we never really listen or receive the actual in freedom from being overwhelmed by imagined future and past conclusions. Something that is perceived to have more reward than pain we do it if not then we don't and we call this freedom. Outwardly there maybe some freedom in this but inwardly surely you cannot call it that. Because that past has control, pain and fear dominate now so we put all hope in the future but the present decides the next step.

Do you see the past dictates the present? Thinking and reacting in these terms which we can pretty much say our lives are governed by the process of reward and punishment. So much that this pattern has taken on the persona of truth but reward and punishment is the creation of thinking and not the whole truth. Reward and punishment rules our lives, society and the world are organized behind these two factors. We have even created love, truth and a God that functions or operates according to this. Which has become a major pursuit of our lives trying to find a reward that has no punishment attached. Or to have pleasure without pain which is another way of putting it. Searching persistently to find something which is beyond all of this, but yet always thinking in those same terms.

Since the beginning of time when mankind was living in caves he thought in the ways of reward and punishment. If their needs were met or they were by passed from floods and tornadoes there was favor of the universe. But if his food supply ran low or was interrupted, he believed that the Gods were punishing him. Or if he lost out in love or in war the Spirits were angry and disapproved. We still think in the same ways today nothing has really changed. We see the images on television of the poverty, hunger or squalor many people forced to endure which makes you deeply think about this issue. That's if you care about anyone other than yourself, you would ask why not me? Does God love me or us more than them? Why do they have to go through this tremendous suffering while I live in so much comfort and safety? Are they being punished for the sins or the indiscretions of their parents? That they have the wrong kind of government or economic system? Because of something they did in a past life, karma or are just unlucky? Unfortunately, many will answer "Yes or affirm" to too many of these questions. Many people will say yes it is because of my God, our political and economic system that is why they so severely suffer.

From this reservoir of reward and punishment is where we derive many of our conclusions, beliefs and theories on such matters. This reservoir provides us with a most convenient answers and allows us to see ourselves as separate or gives one an easy way out in our responsibility towards humanity. From those whom feel and care thinking such answers and conclusions are correct they export their ideas. Political, economic and religious ideas or belief systems which they think are the solution. Don't get me wrong! It is not that the exportation any of these things are right or wrong, but they come with their own set of new problems. We can see that outwardly or in the outer world, mankind needs reward and punishment to maintain some kind of order or structure of society. The heart of man is so corrupt and turned towards evil a society without reward and punishment would be uninhabitable. We all know that some of these punishments that society dishes out are unequal, unjust and unfair but that's another issue in itself. The whole outward world is built on the principle of pleasure versus pain.

The work we do, economic systems, discipline of our children are all intertwined within this principle. We can see it may be necessary outwardly in some areas but is that such a fact inwardly? Inwardly or inside the mind you can see how it can create superstition, neurosis, fear and of course mechanicalism.

God punished me because I didn't say my Hail Mary's or forgot to pray. Or I got my new car or a promotion because I fasted and repeated positive attitude confirmations. I found my relationship through positive visualization or lost it because of not following the astrological signs.

Also we have learned a pretty cunning trick when punishment seems to outweigh the rewards I rationalize to stay positive and inspired. To call what I perceive as negative or punishment to say is a "learning moment." To ask yourself, what was I supposed to learn or what was God trying to teach me from this pain and failure? We are not saying you shouldn't ask questions, for God's sake, Do!

But what we have to ask are the right questions. What is generally asked are questions like why did my car break down when I needed it most? How or what I can do or act differently in the next relationship? Why is this happening to me? These questions in their very design are to analyze or introspect through the past based on the conclusion of reward and punishment. We've been educated, trained and have even grown to like being problem solvers in this way. It becomes very satisfying successfully solving a problem with a perceivable accomplishment. So the problem and finding its solution which are usually outward becomes all important and total attention is paid there. When within the problem itself you find the solution which may not get us what we want or should think you should have, but there is an understanding of self.

Let's say we were overlooked for a promotion, but in our hearts we know that we deserve or have earned it is an excellent example. Once we are passed over from gaining the position our brains swim with thoughts and bombarded by sensations. Thoughts of the good you have done or the shortcomings we may have. The things they should like about me or my ways that the decision makers may dislike.

How the rejection has made me to feel less, disrespected or insignificant. The hurt and wounding by all of this as we observe our reactions of anger, bitterness and devoting ourselves to not changing. Or we strive to become better and do things in such a way so they will like me more. This same scenario or others similar to it are repeated over and over through our lives, but we never ask the right question. This is the problem the repetition of the way I act and react and not merely being denied the promotion.

We are denied many things in this life and have to face a quite a few disagreeable situations of living whether deserved or undeserved; that is the fact. Yet we react and respond in practically the same way repeatedly, for what? What is gained from this repetition of struggle and conflict? In the observation of my actions and reactions we can begin to ask the right question as to why the same thoughts or feelings repeat themselves and the mechanical reaction is almost identical in each case. As we begin to see that reward and punishment are not some form of superficial conditioning or petty habit that is easily thrown off. Neither is it something you can practice to get rid of or discipline yourself from thinking or not doing. By the very practicing and disciplining myself again you are seeking the imagined reward of being free which is still the same pattern. What seems to make this such a solid situation is the law of cause and effect or in biblical terminology "to reap what you sow".

In every action there is a subsequent reaction which governs just about everything we do. Out of this thought has stepped beyond its boundaries and created beliefs or conclusions from the law. Karma, reward and punishment or operant conditioning are beliefs with thousands and thousands of tradition behind it so deeply implanted in our brains. Deep in this case means that it seems within activity or established conditioning of the brain cells themselves. Not to jump off our line of thinking, but some addictions appear to reside at the same kind of depth. This is why the author preaches about a seriousness that one must have so to dig as deep as cell activity to find a solution to the problem. Because your addiction could reside at that depth where it takes this kind of attention and hard work to get at.

While we are on the issue of cell activity within the brain it reminds me of something in a book about so-called phantom pain and how cells react. The scientists had a patient that had the problem of phantom pain after getting a limb removed. What they did is trick the patient's mind into thinking it still had the missing limb and it was well and healthy. This was accomplished by putting up mirrors in strategic locations to the existing arm, thus producing the optical illusion that everything was fine.

The mind and their cells can be tricked almost the same way into giving up a particular addiction. So you could substitute the love of Jesus for the loss of dependent relationship. You could exchange the lust for money and the dreams of fame for the sexual fantasies and the lurid thoughts that form your compulsion. You can give up the social contacts of illegal cocaine and rationalize the use of the more socially accepted and legal alcohol. The mind can be tricked, some of us can control it, some of us can suppress it and some can punish it into submission. Where you may look and feel more socially respectable but inwardly the mind and thought is still fighting with itself trying to find peace. With these kind of tricks it radically changes nothing. All that's another form of letting the brain be mechanical or the acceptance of mechanicalism.

#  Chapter 12  
Fragmentation

What is fragmentation? Why is this important in our psychology? What does it mean? When we state that something is fragmented in the physical or material world we say a part has broken off or is divided from the whole. On the human or psychological side of existence to be fragmented means basically the same. Instead of solids being fractured one's consciousness, thinking or self is divided into parts and compartments. To fragment or the fragmentation of something we commonly do in our thinking it is tradition, encouraged and even seen as natural. Some of these divisions are commonly expressed by some religions, modern day spiritually and psychology as truths or realities. Religions have divided us up into the spiritual versus fleshly I, the good or bad me. The higher or lower self is a predominant concept of new world spirituality, and psychology separates us as the ego and the super-ego.

Whatever concept or terminology is accepted these all imply a division in consciousness or in self. Separate compartments with their own set of conditioned reactions and responses which make up the psychological me or psyche of self. So as you can see, consciousness is never whole, but is divided or broken apart. What happens or comes about because of fragmentation? What is my behavior, reactions and responses? In the very nature of fragmentation you can see there is conflict or opposition within oneself and with the external world also. When we are divided there is conflict, struggle or opposing forces that can never really integrate, be at peace or whole. We maintain this which is the classic battle of positive and negative, good against bad, right versus wrong.

It has been a traditional struggle of mankind since the beginning of time. If it is important for you to live a good, spiritual life or just even to be free of addiction this eternal fight must be questioned. Because how can we live well, be spiritual or end all compulsion if I am struggling with myself, repressing, suppressing and afraid of what may come about if unleashed? This is a somewhat challenging or difficult question in more ways than one. Because we are trained and educated to think this struggle is how we overcome problems or achieve results. From childhood accentuating the positive, superseding or resisting the negative is the way were taught to become the best we can be. The only possible way for this to happen is to have a part of me that is decisively the superior, controller, and censor so to overcome and resist the other.

The other or so-called negative is just as much a part of us as obviously the habitual behavior, jealousy, anger and fear is me also. It is strong tradition to fragment, so most don't see the fact and to point this out many will deny and resist it. So, the logical alternative is to train, program or practice the positive of the ideal, philosophy, or system. Trying to become what we've been told or believe I should, must or have to be not seeing that one is the non-compliant fragment. In not seeing or hearing the denial that this a part of me. We try many systems and techniques to reach our ideal and bring some compliance to the unruly fragment. We meditate, chant, pray and fast trying to make those things within us which contradict or oppose what we want to become subordinate. This maybe the first time you heard a description of fragmentation and it may leave you doubting that such a thing is worth looking at.

Many are of the conclusion that through this struggle and conflict in thinking is the only way to evolve to a higher level of sanity or civilization. So the battle of opposing thoughts seems to be a natural progression for a solution or the better. Also, most of us are highly trained to analyze, which in itself means the breaking apart or dissecting of problems and situations. Which basically is the same movement of fragmentation. I dissect my addiction and discover it is stimulated by wanting to escape unhappiness. Then we have to analyze to find out why I am unhappy and then there is the problem of what to do about it. What I do about it creates a different set of problems, so in time I am back into unhappiness. The fragmentation or breaking apart occurs as the "me" and the "not me." I am the movement that acts out the addiction and me that is the unhappiness. So, basically I, which is the movement of addiction or unhappiness psychologically separates and is now attempting to operate on itself.

Look at what fragmentation has done to us on another level as humans living in this world. We are fragmented from the whole of humanity from many different categories, specialties and classes. By economics, religions, races, nations and by many other distinctions are we separated into. Within these divisions and separations of the world are the polarization factors that produce war, violence and hatred. The Christian against the Muslim, the black man at odds with the white man, rich and poor in conflict with one another the list could go on and on. This is the breaking apart on the larger scale if it is detrimental here, could it possibly be positive for the individual thinking? An addiction or a compulsive habit with the necessity of changing is one the easiest situations to understand this. Here the mind is clearly divided into opposing demands between the will not to do versus the desire for that. Of course our habit or conditioning has been trying to reinforce, energize and force the so-called positive will of the mind to dominate the unwanted fragment of desire.

Performing our prayers, repeating positive affirmations and practicing some system or method until change occurs are some of these acts. Which sound somewhat harmless and seem a little necessary at times within this punishing world we live in. In a way this is taking a step away or back from all the nonsense one is surrounded by. Whether the system or method is one you created or someone else invented they rely on building a superior me. To build more determination, discipline and repeat the positive until there is a stronger good self or the object is demonized or substituted for. Sporadically these ways ease our sensibilities and we can achieve the nominal result desired, but look what you have done to yourself in the process. You have beat your mind into a narrow habit or mechanical routine of thinking where there is no freedom. Freedom is necessary for a tremendous happening or miracle to occur where being stuck practicing a system and method denies this. They just guarantee I will find more of me or self and nothing beyond that.

Fragmentation is the way of our thinking and a part of the nature of thought itself. This next statement the author will make is difficult to see and understand, so don't worry if you can't capture it. Though you may not be able to see or understand it now, it doesn't make this any less a fact. But, thought in its very movement or function separates, divides or splits. Where we can begin to see and understand this fact in that of (the will) within the issue of addiction. Thought and thinking are very much a part of the will if not the whole of it. Because without thought how would one know what you desire doing or don't want to act upon? As in the beginning when our demanding compulsion was just a lowly habit it was propelled by thought and the will. Our will voluntarily and romantically sought out the pleasure, escape or whatever it achieved by doing the behavior. This habitual behavior began to destroy your life, cause pain and suffering so now it is necessary to let go or end this routine.

We see this necessity and then the same will "figuratively speaking'" says let me help with this change. The will has separated, divided or split itself from its own creation and now wants to assist. This is kind of a quick explanation and maybe a little crude one, but you can gist of the principles behind such a predicament. If thought is allowed to play this game with us we are doomed to have this inner war of self and the outer war with our neighbors. Like the fragmented outer world that tries to achieve peace or freedom while being divided and separated we also will attempting the same feat within. We see what world is bringing about from the lack of wholeness the wars, genocides and violent revolutions are never ending. Within ourselves we see the same; like the fragmented thought process that nourishes your compulsive behavior is trying to produce the result of non-addiction.

So there can be no real change, peace and freedom but only may manage a substitution or exchange. If we are extremely lucky the substitute or exchange can lead to a modification for the better or an interruption in the struggle. A modification or an adjustment to circumstance and pressure is not the kind of meaningful change that we are interested in. Because this is just another form of the same only wrapped in pretty ribbons and garland. But we are looking for a transformation that is rooted in freedom, creativity and the ecstasy of living. In the middle of what is being communicated let us switch gears a little bit into something that concerned the author. In the beginning of bringing this text together he was confronted and discomforted by centering on a particular problem such as addiction. The uneasiness was to whether in focusing in on a single issue within the self would take on a form of fragmentation. Because there are so many different things that make up the self or me which are all obviously interconnected. So to begin separating, dividing and splitting addiction from the whole of self would be a difficult task.

Contrary to all the author's concerns, it has been of compassion at work and made a way. Not to be conceited or to think I am something special, but compassion says the story of addiction and compulsion has to be told. The story maybe tilted or narrowly directed towards addiction and habit, but it is much more than just those two activities. Compassion says this is a story about an inner freedom and living life to the fullest extent. It is about effortlessly coming into a light that awakens the consciousness in love, beauty and joy. Where we no longer have a need to escape ourselves through a relationship, the bottle, sex, food or whatever object that consumes us.

#  Chapter 13  
The Cells or the Flesh?

It use to be uncommon to hear someone discussing cells unless they were a biologist, geneticist or within one of the other scientific disciplines. Now you can't read a health magazine, choose a vitamin or formulate a proper diet without hearing something about cellular function. Many of today's diseases and ailments are explained by physicians in the terminology of the cell. Most of us don't know as much as the specialist, but we do have some understanding of the importance of them. The information they carry and their way of responding or reacting to are a living marvel. So when we begin talking about cell function in a religious, spiritual manner or in ending addiction, it shouldn't be too shocking. Actually in a way the religions were onto this centuries ago, but the term they used was a little different. Using the word "flesh" they described an inherited material process in man which was not easily changed. Which indelibly could exert a strong influence upon the perspective and mind of an individual.

The function of the cell could be described with an almost the identical description. You can see especially how close they are when you look at an addiction, habit or compulsion. Of course we do not want to willingly accept what all the scientist have said on this subject because some have expanded far beyond the fact. Where theory and hypotheses have run amok with many wild conclusions and exaggerated suppositions. One of those exaggerations seem to be genetically inclined by heredity to repeat a particular behavior or to abuse a certain substance. But this, as we have said, is all theoretical or hypothetical and not fact. The one fact we can all agree on is that repetition conditions or programs the brain cells or the flesh. Call this material process fleshly as religion does or use the scientific language of cellular function, is there really any difference? In a preceding chapter we gave an example of a scientist who documented the case of a man who had an injury to his arm. Over the months the man experienced periodic episodes of pain in that limb. The arm grew worse with infection so the physicians were forced to remove it. After recovery from the physical, the man still experienced pain in that imagined area as if the arm existed and was still attached.

The doctors in charge of treating this man termed this condition as being phantom pain. The scientists determined that this was caused by the brain not recognizing that the limb was no longer attached. But yet the conditioned cells still followed in the pattern of the past and accumulated in the part of brain as if the painful limb existed. The clustering of the cells was a signal to the brain that was pain as it repetitiously had done many other times. To have phantom pain is not bizarre or unusual condition but actually is fairly common to most. Many of us have experienced the same reaction after the removal of a tooth that has been a fairly consistent source of pain for some time. Occasionally the brain seems to forget or reacts where pain actually resonates from the area though it is healed and the tooth is no longer exists. We are mentioning this because some long term habitual behaviors show similar conditioning when in physical abstinence.

Though continued abstinence is paramount the brain falls back and become stuck in the old sensations and thought pattern that automatically arises. The desire, craving and uneasiness that drove the compulsion previously returns with a seductive energy for no apparent reason or stimulus. To have this happen especially after a long period of abstinence or moderation, is enough disillusion and frustrate even the most passionate. So being aware, attentive and capturing this feature if it ever does happen has some enormous implications. The brain instead of being unaware it has understood something very fundamental and in that comprehension is a greater energy of restraint. Having restraint, refraining and not yielding, I have begun to break the pattern where we can connect and touch that which is.

This way is somewhat different then how the doctors helped their patient with problem of phantom pain. Because how they did that was by tricking the brain into believing a better illusion. But the real cure did not occur until the brain completely realized or see the fact. As does a strong addiction, this does not come to an end by faith, prayer, will power or belief but when the brains stays with and within the fact.

By this we are just showing that brain cells can be conditioned or become programmed through repetition and routine, nothing more. Repetition and routine through the many years changes the cells' natural responses to where they now have a mechanical flow or involuntary momentum. There is no longer a need for an explanatory reason, but the long-term conditioned effect alone is creating the cause. So we will ask the impossible question, can this direction be changed and the momentum of conditioned cells end? And what is there that can change this? Asking questions like these thrusts us into the realm of the religious and spiritual side of cell function. Because as of now science has no answer to this problem and it is doubtful it ever will. Scientists are generally looking and investigating the material formation of cells or the flesh trying to reprogram or rewire in a suitable direction.

Who is it that will reprogram or rewire? The answer to this in religious terminology would be the flesh trying to resolve its own created fleshly problem. So we want to ask if there is something not born out of or beyond this consciousness that can change the brain cells? Which is ultimately a religious and spiritual question. Having faith, believing and hoping in a God that will come to help you is the usual so-called religious or spiritual response to this question. Which many of you have already done for years but the flesh or cell pattern still maintains its grip on your life. The endless hours of prayer, trying to acquire deeper belief and supplication has not freed you from the behavior that has caused so much suffering. So, if this is not the answer, what is the truly religious or spiritual take on this question?

Would that be to stay in the fact (not accept or deny) but just remain with it? Not try to become the opposite or the ideal of the better? Because of the way we think this may sound like an unending paradox with no benefit to it at all. But do you see the subtle change? The mind was sleep and ignorant in battle within the pattern before, but now it is awake, understanding and becoming more intelligent so then freer to let go of the conflict. An intelligent mind being free to see the situation totally and then it is able to take a complete action. Would this not, be a very good definition of intelligence to see things totally and completely? But in conflict can there be such?

In physics when two moving things are contacting one another or in conflict there is a transference of energy. One shares its energy with the other back and forth as they move. Inwardly or psychologically we can see the same law within ourselves as two conflicting ideas or desires. If we are aware, attentive and only observing, where does the duality come from which is needed for the conflict? I am just watching and observing, so no longer transferring energy back to the opposite through conflict. We know this explanation appears to make doing this rather simple act but it actually takes some serious work.

Our addictions or habitual behavior have a great deal of energy behind them as years of propagation attest to that fact. So not yielding or having restraint towards the energized habit is something not come by easily. To just say to hold or stay with fact is sometimes asking a lot for some because of the enormous pressure behind a habitual behavior. You only can do what you can, so there is no benefit in self-judgment and condemnation because you didn't or can't. But we only have to begin to take the first step towards a real change which in itself brings about a certain amount of clarity. Beginning to see things a little clearer like my mechanical and habitual responses is a step into freedom. We say this because the brain is more alert and alive sees the false of the mechanical and habitual naturally which enslaves it. Though a complete reclamation could be had at first sight, but if we happen to return to the habitual behavior things obviously would be different.

Because I am looking, being aware and attentive, which is the light within the darkness. To repeat it again staying with the fact is the logical beginning and the religious or spiritual answer. Here we can begin to seriously question and deeply explore these driving forces which have enslaved sensations and reactions of the brain. If we break that old and continuous pattern something new will come in take its place that is possibly transforming. To release the brain cells to behave normally frees them from the prison of a 10, 20, 30 year old pattern of a habit is an enormous important possibility.

#  Chapter 14  
The Pain of Change

Beginning our chapter on the pain of changing it would be a mistake not to look at the whole of life concerning pain. Because pain and suffering are very influential elements which greatly effects our perspective about life and living. Too much hurting in life and then living becomes rather miserable and for some people they come to even hate it altogether. It is evident some pain we can manage fairly easily while others take on massive importance and eat away at the core of existence. Though pain and suffering seem far away from us at times, but there are a hundred of different incidents and situations where they can immediately arise. The author would say we virtually live in pain and suffering, only the levels of intensity just seem to rise and fall. And also, we are pretty adept at pushing them into unconscious or are able to avoid feeling through our network of escapes.

As we have come to realize that there are two designated avenues of pain or suffering, which are the physical and psychological. We are all very familiar with the physical pain that alerts us to illness, injury and to an overly stressed body. Then the psychological suffering that makes us aware of the insufficiency of self, how deeply the past is rooted in consciousness and our connection to others. It awakens us to the fact that we are not isolated individuals eternally separated from one another, which is very big deal. In that we do not live in this world as an individual island totally divided from all humanity. When we get hit by the pain of someone loved who is gravely ill, see another that doesn't have food to eat or in seeing man being brutal to man this becomes a very clear truth. Though these two avenues have a couple of major fundamental differences between them, but yet they are approached many times in the same manner. This approach which we take for both is that they are something to be rid of or eliminated as quickly as possible. If the pain and suffering has reached certain levels of intensity and is monotonous sometimes this maybe is the correct response especially with physical pain.

But when the psychological is the avenue there exists a "gray area" where trying to be rid of or eliminate pain may be just an escape from reality. When we are in terrible disorder or are a little imbalanced mentally this escape seems as necessary just as would taking medication to alleviate the pain of a bad tooth. So we do not want judge escaping or avoiding as being bad because it is subjective we want people to "Stay Alive"! But this is the habitual pattern of escape which we are caught in and unless this is challenge or explored we remain the same. There can be no change without facing some pain.

Leaving aside the strict type of physical pain described lets us look solely at emotional or psychological suffering for a moment. Most us know emotional pain from the loss of a loved one, failing at something you had high hopes for or the sorrow in being ostracized by your peers. We are pretty much attuned to the suffering involved in these kinds of incidents. These incidents of pain and suffering are very important to deal with or resolve but is not the particular source we want go into presently. The particular we do want look at is the pain which can occur in awareness, attention and inquiry into the psychological self. We are not saying that you will, should, when or if ever this is to happen, but it's a strong possibility and not something strange. If you explore, question and inquire deeply into yourself of beliefs, opinions and ideas we are entering a most sacred territory of the brain. Its sacredness is derived in appearing to be solid or unmovable and pain is one of the means used to accomplish this.

Your addiction and other things like jealousy or fear were not established overnight, but from years of pattern. So is this something we want to take upon ourselves? A process where you are facing and encountering the psychological structure were you may actually produce its physical counterpart? This is not being said to make you afraid or for you to even to expect pain. "This is why the author thought deeply on this before writing about this subject at all." Because some people will imagine it or delude themselves into thinking that they are doing something correct because they experience pain. Which is but to create another falsehood or illusion. But if we do come upon it there has to be the energy and willingness to continue through the resistance of the brain.

When exploring the issue of pain we know this is not some superficial or peripheral subject one enters into. Because it is the part of our core foundation that dictates many reactions, is one of our biggest fears and can have a great effect on the state of one's mind. Pain, whether it be physical or psychological and even if we are very healthy, is something we encounter quite often. So, now we have this author eluding to that in making a radical psychological change there is the good possibly of enduring more. This doesn't sound like something for one to take upon themselves voluntarily or pleasurably, which is very reasonable. But sometimes facing the fact and pushing through to possibility pain maybe one of the ways of resistance encountered. We are not being sadistic or want you to be masochistic but just exploring and questioning some accepted ways of thinking which have made this pain a reality. A way of thinking or a pattern with thousands of years of habit and tradition behind it, so conditioning the brain very deeply. Because of this resistance many will not explore and investigate deeply but will always remain at the superficial level of inquiry.

But think about it! If this be the "truth you live," it should be able suffer through some harmless or non-invasive acts of exploring, questioning and a little bit of doubt. You would think that would be the common case or the reasonable perspective for most since it our lives to live. Our lives to which we are to be responsible for and live it the best way we can with all energy and freedom. But that is not very common way to think and grasp at life, but is more the exception. Commonly we accept our present state with all its conditioning as being the complete and unchangeable fact where the specialness me is all important. This specialness of the individual me which is so fragile and frightened that when questioned or challenged deeply there is almost automatic in resistance. It's like being told that you have no right to see the truth. Accept tradition, what you think to know and have been told since this was good enough for your forefathers. Stay back and let these answers we give be enough for you or else you'll be alone.

Just the idea of change sometimes creates the imagination of pain so we never even take the first step in seeing if there something I maybe missing. Possibly missing an insight that may begin to change your life or failing to come upon a perception which leads to living with great meaning. If it is a necessity for us to change and we can't go beyond the conditioned resistance of the brain, there is only mediocrity. We never will have the in-depth inquiry or the freedom to investigate the possibility of something totally new. This resistance is not an assumption or presumption because you can see this even on some of the everyday superficial changes we have to make. Become aware of sometime of the brain as it reacts many times with anxiety and fear to a forced change, something new or different. A change that is measured as a more serious threat is how we imagine pain and run away, unless one can process the situation into something satisfactory. Desperately holding on to what we know and that which has been successful for us in the past so resisting the new.

Being there are so many different psychological pains and sufferings that come one after another, how are we to really live? Where will the constitution and willingness come from to push through the past and the pain of it? What would make me see and then say I need a transformation at almost any cost? If we cannot answer these we are doomed to ping-pong from situation-to-situation through our network of escapes and calling it living. Wishing, hoping or pleading that the pain and suffering will leave and not return again only to be disappointed.

By all we have went into so far the author says being aware, attentive and deeply questioning what or the way one thinks may cause pain. An example we would like to use showing this is in an intimate relationship of husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. In the years or months the two of you grow with one another sharing the pleasures, pains, maybe children and some desires together. Though there are the occasional spats or disagreements, you feel at least that we love our spouse. But then the relationship takes a turn for the worse. The arguments, disagreements and ill feelings begin to escalate. There is a break up and if we have any objectivity and care about our behavior you want to discover why. Why did it happen when I loved to the best of my ability? Why did this end in a painful separation? Really deep questioning and inquiry would lead me to ask, "Did I really love?" Though what you know of love this was it and I invested it all to do my best. You followed the rule book or imitated to what you've seen and others have said it was, but still the relationship deteriorated and love let me down. Or was I merely dependent upon them, just the object to get my pleasure or how they made me feel? Was that really love? When I seriously ask and want find out the answer to these question you are challenging what you're conditioning or tradition says love is.

Our conditioning and tradition is solid in this area so to explore and investigate what love is for yourself sometimes incurs resistance. To find out the fact of what love is may mean letting go some of the self or a pattern that the brain has found security in. The challenging of that old belief or past conclusions may lead to insecurity, facing hard facts and seeing falseness of the self-image one has built. What I thought and were told that love is was actually an illusion of dependency, jealousy and fear. Discovering that I have may not have ever really loved, I lived in the false or illusion sometimes causes pain and suffering.

Physical pain from injury or illness sometimes can be very debilitating, but usually with the right care, treatment and time we can handle it. The emotional pain and suffering of loneliness, no love, what we did in the past and things of this nature just to manage them is a rather mediocre act. If we don't fear and go deeply into them these are very resolvable pain causing problems. That doesn't mean becoming crude, insensitive or by blocking the feelings. This is not a solution either but just another way to escape the fact. The fact is you are the pain of loneliness, of having no love and what you did in the past (you are that hurt). The "me" says, I am going to do something about that hurt when it itself is the pain. Do you see there is a part of me that says it's different? I have escaped the fact and reality of the pain, so we do not understand its origin or beginning. We think you know this already, but one will do some of the most awful, cruel and bizarre things under the influence of pain and suffering. It so much of a surprise that you fear yourself and what you think which again is another source of pain and the cycle continues. If it is important for us to find a way out of all this chaos and mess, then we have to look at this anew. Anew would be the fear, pain and suffering that thought creates as resistance to be understood completely.

Let us mention this before we end our chapter in that there is another side of the coin to pain. We have others who think by torturing or inflicting pain on themselves as a way of achieving mastery over mind and body. Through fasting, taking a vow of poverty or some other masochistic act they will reach enlightenment, experience God or some holy state of being, which is foolishness. If you are sensitive, there is enough daily pain and sorrow everywhere that we don't have to consciously create more of it. But that is the kind of human beings we have become by trying make ourselves impervious to psychological pain instead of questioning and exploring why this is so. What conditioning or programming has made the act of knowing or in understanding of the self painful?

#  Chapter 15  
Psychological Hurt

Taking a serious and honest look at world we can see how violent it is, sex crazed and so many running around in their own self-centered utopias. Where the seeking of fame, fortune and success is all important as long as its "legal" it doesn't matter how these desires are achieved. This legality becomes our morality so whom we use, step on or have to sacrifice getting what we want is of no consequence. Some even go further than this where illegality doesn't make a difference because to feel they must be somebody or making their mark on this world is most paramount. This is the cruel and insane world one must live in and finding our way through without becoming destroyed by it is no easy task. The result of just living in such a warlike environment is to be wounded or hurt. It seems even living in the best or most loving situations no one totally goes unscathed by it. Because our parents, teachers and everyone around us have been wounded and hurt by the same uncaring world.

So out of their hurting you have been told you're not as good or beautiful as someone else. You have been called stupid, lazy or some other derogatory terms. Rejected by people for having no money or pushed aside because of your good financial status. You grew up in a home where parents did not seem to care or they too were addicted and compulsive. Some of these wounds are shallow and can be easily healed while others will be a deep mark in the memory that almost seem untouchable. Those untouchable ones are what we want come in contact with and connect with because they have their way of affecting what we do and how one acts.

When we consider the hurts of our past one is usually ushered into the inspirational Rags to Riches stories. Where we are reminded how others have overcome a time of tremendous wounding and hurting in life and then go on to achieve success. In the darkest of days sometimes this very helpful and needed but there is no resolution to the hurt you maintain. They may tell and show you examples of achievement and the overcoming of obstacles outwardly but inwardly has there been any change beyond that? How have they changed inwardly in their daily lives from the psychological injuries they have accumulated? Are they more loving, careful not hurt another in word or deed and very rarely taken by anger? We know this is not the fact because this would be an amazing world to live in if it was. Because if I have resolved my deepest psychological hurts and wounds, it would be one of the last things to put another through the same. The reality is we have unresolved wounds some we are conscious of and others not so aware that they exist. So in our living we may unwillingly or for some willingly hurt others which keeps the succession going. The most awful thing you see is that some people are very conscious of and know very well what they are doing. They even believe in their stupidity it is there duty or the right thing to toughen someone up for the "real world." You may have to toughen someone up for a competitive sport, but unfortunately this is what we have narrowed down the whole of life into a mere sport. Where winning is everything, but really what is there to win?

One thing about psychological hurt is that it doesn't always show itself definitive so that we may know it. It may appear as an addiction, driving ambition, some terrible fear or other such things. As if a man was abandoned by his mother as a child a deep psychological wound is there. Later on it may surface as a neurotic insecurity that his wife might do the same. In this scenario there is a pretty obvious connection between the two, but many are not so easy to determine. Also, this same hurt could cause the intense fear of being alone, the avoidance of relationship or strong dependencies. It's almost like emotional hurt has tentacles that branch out and connect with many different problems and issues. The psychologist and psychotherapist make their living based upon this fact. Where they try helping you regress and coming to grips with the unresolved psychological hurt of the past. Once you are in contact with this they say face it, put yourself in their shoes, forgive and push through leaving the past.

Then we have the religious and spiritual contemporaries whom also incessantly talk of the necessity of leaving the past also. Of being reborn or to go through a re-birthing process which has to occur before there is freedom. They say to totally negate your former life, forgive, deny the old ways of feeling or thinking and keep your mind fixed on the good things. Both of these ways of trying to solve psychological hurt actually sound very similar and they express some actions which are so necessary in resolving any problem. But then you begin to question who is to perform all of these acts? Who is it that pushes through, forgives, thinks good things and which leaves the past? The same self that is an accumulation of past experiences, hurts, fears and beliefs is supposed to leave itself?

We can see the brain in the process of memorizing records and stores just about every incident, occurrence and happening it comes upon. It records necessary and valuable information from which it responds or reacts to the present. Like finding the way home, doing your job or learning something new storing this for future use. In this recording process we cannot help but store the past insult or old injury also. So can we say the brain virtually lives in the past? And living in the past it is subject to all that it accumulates? If you are aware we know depending on intensity of accumulation can even make an emotional impression or psychological mark on the memory. We can just see a person who has previously hurt us then the scorning thoughts and angry feelings quickly arise. Though he or she could have changed, want to make amends with you or finally have the money to pay their debt. We begin to see that the present is always polluted, prejudged and translated by the past.

So do we ever really truly forgive, experience anything new or allow the possibility to love? Do we ever forgive anyone if we are fighting back the memory of what they did to us weeks ago? Can we experience anything new if we have the old conclusions and prejudgments of the past? Will we be even able to really love our wives or husbands if one cannot clear the mind from the spats of yesterday?

As our minds and thinking are today makes these questions seem rather impossible to answer or do. But why does meeting every day, each situation new and without the past going beyond its necessity seem to be so impossible? We can do this it fairly easily with some minor incidents and with a few superficial happenings, so why not with the more significant or deeper things?

The importance of looking at this is not to say it is possible or impossible, but to see the memory's way of effecting the present. How behind the scenes the recordings of past pain or old pleasure becomes the dominant determining factor to how we perceive life. In one area of living, as we said, this is a necessary function of the memory, but yet in the whole spectrum of life it causes numerous problems. This is difficult to see or to even question this dominance of the memory because it is tradition, our conditioning and accepted as the normal way. And we have become cunning enough to avoid really seriously challenging and actually questioning this fact.

For instance, we hear a lot people make the statement "I will forgive, but not forget." What is actually being said when they proclaim this? I will be civil or friendly to you, but only as the past allows me. I will not let go of the image, thought or past experience of what happened with you and compare that with future encounters. So the make-up or nature of the memory never becomes a question to be answered, something to understand and learn about. The point trying to be made is that we are never really cleansed from the past, so it is always spilling into the present onto the future. To occasionally recollect some happy incidents and sometime remember the torrid situations of the past is quite natural. To have those memories which we cherish and sometimes experience the recollections that were painful is a basic function of the brain. But there also is a spectrum where these memories or remembrances can become unnatural and go beyond the basic.

Many of us already live in this spectrum where the past is such a vivid reality so much so that nothing new can come about. We see the exceptions within this spectrum as the ex-football star who tries to relive his glory days. Or hear about the widow who is haunted to her grave by the memories of her dead husband. These are the exceptions we all see and hear about but at some level or form it is very common to most of us. We have a saying in fact, "that the past has made me what I am today," how true this is for many. My past failures, psychological wounds and rejections determines the way I live today. It influences the way I relate to another, dictates the fears and decides my desires so basically this is who am I today? I am but a product or result of accumulated past experiences and stagnated in the knowledge of what has been. So nothing is ever fresh, new and clean from the past.

Within ourselves we know the hurt of past and its experiences because at the most unexpected times they surface in some profound ways. They can occur like a strong flashback as vivid reminder of what once was or be a quiet relapse of depression, fear and anger with unknown origin. When we are aware of the cause then the most common responses are that of fight or flight. We are fighting and struggling with so many things in this life that the option of flight seems to be the most predominant reaction.

Fleeing into neurotic and compulsive habits, entertainment or some belief system. You can see that there is no freedom for us to just live happily, joyfully and fearlessly in act of fleeing. The unconscious is such a dynamic creation of ours so not being aware of psychological hurts is part of its function. The underlying motives and influences behind our many of reactions or behaviors go unnoticed so we accept them as me. An unchangeable and irrevocable part of my character, personality or me that only typifies my humanity.

The ego has pushed down many such hurts which have been incorporated and cultivated into a way of life that I think is natural. We think it is natural trying to outdo your brother because your parents always compared you to him. Normal proving to a teacher that you are not stupid as he once said. Or reasonable chasing the image of beauty because school mates taunted you with being ugly. Obviously the past is a burden we must get free of if we are to change and begin to transform our perspective of life. Since most of our psychological hurts are repressed deeply in the unconscious the major problem is how to bring them to consciousness. Once being conscious of them then they can be looked at with and dealt with in an intelligent manner. The specialty of the psycho-therapist or analyst is to help you do this but they are expensive, time consuming and cannot possibly discover all of the hurts.

Also, living in this violent, mean and sadistic world there is an environment for further wounds. Analyzing or going back in the past yourself poses the same problems seeing all of this, so what is one to do? We hope or what one tries to do is to only keep or experience those happy memories and pleasurable recollections. To make the good ones as real or vivid as they can be and of course repress the painful images and agitating mental pictures. If we could pick or choose what the brain will grasp and what it doesn't the problem would be solved. I am no expert on the brain and memory, but it doesn't appear to function in this way. You can see this is what we do now because nobody wants to recall or relive bad memories, but yet they are there. If one has ever went into this question seriously controlling all of what you think or the memories, then one has it seems very highly unlikely for this to happen. For we cannot dictate or predetermine what we will perceive and how thought will respond to a certain stimulus it is impossible. Because of this we have to approach psychological hurt in the way it functions within thought or memory.

That different way of looking is to seriously ask, what is it that's hurt? What is this me that feels the agitation, pain or confusion? Where does all the mess come from and what created this? These thoughts or memories of the past that the mind takes as real and actual, what is this all about? They are not like the reality an apple that you can take a bite of or the actuality of a car that one can ride in. But the pain or pleasure of the memory are also a reality to us which gives it the importance and real time. Do you see? It is given the same quality of reality as the apple or car but you can't change the past because it is done with and dead. It is only the image created by thought and thinking which gives the appearance of being actual or living. This is so important to explore and understand because all illusions, delusions and hallucinations are given birth in thought and thinking.

The author understands that to see and accept this fact is rather difficult for most of us to do and even comprehend. Because it is our conditioned way of thinking to accept the idea or image of something as the real or actual. Why do we give memories and past experience such great importance? Memory is just memory or thought, why should it demand our whole being? Hurt us, confine us and imprison us to the past? There is nothing you can do to change the abuses, hurts and wounds others may have inflicted upon us in the past. Or totally undue the things we have done out of ignorance and being hurt ourselves. It is demanded of us to act, behave and have our attention in the now that is the only way to really live. Not being dragged and burdened down by what happened days, weeks or months ago, which is but allowing thought and memory to sustain and keep alive the dead past.

The dead past that is denying the actuality of the fountain of salvation and absolution from which the new and living water springs forth from. A water that so sweet with intelligence, love, beauty that it saturates the mind with all that which is holy and sacred. When you are no longer hurt you will never intentionally harm yourself or another human-being again in word, deed or gesture. But there is only true forgiveness which is love, compassion, freedom and transformation.

#  Chapter 16  
How Do We Change?

Living in the midst of wealth and prosperity such as in America means an almost constant stirring of the senses by the many delights or pleasures to be had. So, to seek out and attain this outer prosperity becomes the yardstick or the measure of successful living. Evolving from this stimulation is an aggressive marketing and advertising campaign of the world which touches all areas of living that ranges from the wholesale marketing of God to the indiscriminate advertising for war. These subliminal messages of conformity and imitation consistently bombard the brain through all means possible telling us you need a certain car or house to be happy. Your wife or husband must look a certain way and freedom is in doing anything you want to do. That war and violence are unchangeable facts within the human race. Or take this pill, believe in this doctrine and follow a system where all your problems will be solved.

Though the suggestions are much broader than our examples inevitably the campaign of propaganda and commercialism dulls or marginalizes the brain and its senses. The brain being straddled and satisfied in this movement comparing itself to the rest of world never even thinks it needs to change. Change is always for the other guy, the politician, economist or whomever else that has been designated as responsible. This is an easy way of living and one with the minimal responsibility of no one but me and mine, so why should I change? Also, living in this society avails you to a great deal of outward freedom where you can travel or go just about any place you desire. One can practically live anywhere you want to while reaching towards the occupation or achieving the experience that they have the heart and mind for. Though these freedoms are slowly dwindling through government regulation and population growth overall many options still remain. So just the question alone of changing yourself, your mind and the way you perceive life to be is rather trivial to many.

Measuring and comparing your life to the parents, neighbors and other acquaintances by what you have doesn't seem half bad. So why should I dramatically change anything? Though these are some of the responses you get but what can't be denied is that our inner and outer world is sometimes chaotic, mechanical or frightening ordeal. This mixture of so-called good and the bad is accepted as the norm an environment becomes one we must adapt, adjust or modify ourselves to fit into. So fitting in and accepting has became more important then what I am conforming too. The question of what is it that I am conforming too never comes up unless there be another oppressing matter. So unless you want to rid yourself of an addiction, be more assured of making it to heaven, getting a higher status changing has very little significance. Even then the changing that we seek is in one narrow direction and centered on a particular issue. No real transformation or metamorphosis of self that will bring about a revolution in the heart, mind and emotions. Because we are pretty much satisfied with the way we live and content in our perspective to what life is, so why should I want anything else?

Being relatively content or feeling so incapable of changing anything, is that why this question seems so irrelevant? Obviously how we perceive life and living is the ultimate factor to whether you see it as necessary to apply yourself or not to transforming yourself. How do we see life and living? We can only answer this question by honestly and seriously looking at the facts. You know for yourself that the life you lead is routine, painstaking and boring overall. You do have your pleasures to look forward to and even some occasional joys, but it is also filled with many days of conflict and sorrow. This is almost a requirement to live in this insecure and violent world is that we carve out a small space of tranquility or peace for ourselves. A small and private section where the world cannot touch us and only letting in those who have been approved. But even in this impenetrable shell of self full of all its luxuries and comforts becomes the ultimate prison. So, some become fixed on the idea or belief that this life is rather meaningless and our reward will be in the after-life which will atone for all of this suffering.

These are the facts of the way most of us live and are not a design to hurt or depress you. But in seeing the fact for yourself then you will be able to step towards a new beginning. Only in observation of what our life and living is completely as one can where there be the energy, heart and willingness to change. It is not going to come from you being hot and cold or maybe and then maybe not. But in seeing the actual way in which we live, if it is unacceptable then to see if there's a possibility of transformation.

We are then no longer ambivalent, contradicting and wasting energy trying to change. Maybe this is the context of many problems trying to make life into that which we want it to be or seeking what one thinks is possibly there. When (what is) or the fact can be seen at the moment and in real time. This may be difficult to grasp in its fullness, but within the problem contains the solution. It may not be the answer you want or seem like a solution at all because we are accustomed to partial of acting and reacting. Observing and watching as the brain follows its habit or what it is conditioned to do within the problem is the complete understanding.

Another step in change is realizing the importance or connection with whole you have to the flow of living, life and the world. Many feel, think and view themselves in such a negative or isolating manner one starts believing that they have no importance or connection with this. That they are merely some insignificant or inconsequential people helplessly forced to be participants in the mess and chaos of this world. The reaction of some is to join an organization, take on a belief system or ideology to confront this where their helplessness or powerlessness is somewhat diluted by the energy and security of the group. Even if the beliefs or ideologies of the groups is one that preaches your importance, it's only in concept and not the actual reality. Which many times is just an avoidance or escape from the reality of feeling insignificant or inconsequential. Then there are those who come to dislike or are even ambivalent about their lives and themselves in this insufficiency and isolation. Talking to people about this we are usually given the anecdote or traditional response that you need to love yourself. But we have to be really careful with such a statement because of what the self is.

This has been called the "me generation" which has some fact to it because most of things we do now is centered solely on the self. To say love yourself when you're self-centered and self-absorbed is a very fine line to tread. This message does have its reality, but as a blanket statement we have to be very cautious to what we are asking. So how does one realize their connection with the whole if these are not the ways? Surely it will never come by thinking or feeling that you are separated, alone and an individual island floating amiss in the sea of life. The reality is that we do think and feel ourselves to be separated and divided individuals from everyone else. That we are an individual island surrounded by the sea of life so we believe, think and respond in this way, which is to maintain our borders disassociation and separation from one another. The whole world is this way, so you cannot expect it to come from something happening in the outer to change this. Though occasionally the borders and barriers come down when there is a crisis situation in world or our surroundings.

We can work, cooperate and sing "We are the World" songs together for a short time seeing our responsibility, relationship or connection with humanity. But soon all that goes away and the borders or barriers of the individual come back up. If the borders or barriers of self can come down even temporarily, then this implies that this state separation is not permanent or actual. Seeing our responsibility, relationship and connection with humanity and life dissolves this individualism. So the act of transforming yourself we have also began changing the world which is actually how pertinent we are. One may not be able to see the complete fact of this now, but you are very much part of this world. Not only in your physical presence but psychologically your consciousness and thinking there to is a strong relationship between you and rest of mankind. Just thinking you're some minor blip on the radar screen of life is what you feel like at times so this is easy to fall into.

We are not talking about associating yourself with the deplorable ignorance and hatred this is being done that would be foolish. Or identifying with all the chaos, violence and other uncontrollable factors that surround you this makes no sense either. In body and form of course that is very definitive separation, but in mind or consciousness is that a fact? As we previously pointed out the pressures of society to conform and fit into its structure are enormous. The pressure of having to make a living, raise children, cooperate, follow the order and laws so it plays a great part in our everyday living. This becomes the dominant pattern of thinking so much so that some people think God created society. Which is very far from the truth unless God is corrupt, unjust, envious and violent.

We know this corruption is a fact because you see and even are sometimes victims ourselves of the injustices that pervade society. Look at the world so envious with their tabloid newspapers and airways of gossip spilling out dirt on those with fame or notoriety. The violence of society is everywhere with the numerous wars, gangs and selfish lusts. If society is God's creation then obviously they have but created God in their own image. There are some who know this is all of mankind's creation and feel helpless to do anything about it. Others try to be progressive or improve society which is necessary to a certain extent but it's like putting patches on a dam full of holes. Is it only patches because maybe we are always looking on too grand of a scale? Because maybe we ourselves, families, jobs and churches are microcosms of the world and society?

All we have ever seen, experienced and known resonates from the environment or what we call society or the world. The way of relationships, education and our perspective on life are formed here based upon the environment of tradition and culture. So obviously the reactions of I, me or self are the result of what society has produced and the other way is true also. The other being the "I," "self" or "me." which is part of the whole produces and can affect the world. Look at what the terrorists have done in that our world of war, violence and hatred has basically created him or her. Now society is more suspicious, frightened and insecure on guard for the next incident which again leads the world to respond with more violence. This example is not to say that we should or shouldn't respond and react in a certain way, but it allows us to see the problem totally. When we see the problem completely the answers are different and reaction will not be the dominant ones.

How important that would be to quiet or slow the mechanical and traditional response allowing the possibility of something new to happen. In this also we can see why it is said, "You are the world and world is me." As we have been alluding to, this saying implies that there is a connection of reactions physically as well as psychologically, between you and the world. Physically this can be more easily accepted within certain limits, but psychologically this is a little more difficult for most to grasp.

Primarily because we turn the fact of it into an idea or concept and we miss the true depth of this word from the wise. When coming upon the actual fact is the beginning of a revolutionary change for one has begun to understand something profound. One can actually observe the relationship or connection between the world and you which dictates many of our reactions. The way we are moved by the outer world that requires a response from the inner me is our behavior.

To go even further this back and forth movement of actions and reactions is our life or the you. For only thinking this to be a nice idea or just believing this as intellectual concept is merely the state of speculation and takes no action. When we are the world and the world is actually you and in real time there is action and understanding. One is aware and attentive in this and possibly a slowing or interruption could come about. Also, we wanted to through this whole connection between ourselves, society or the world to expose a wound some may hold. Because the world or society has been unjust, envious and violent to us all, but to some individuals in a much more extreme fashion. From surviving this brutality some have built an inordinate hate, anger and disgust towards society or the world which enslaves them within a narrow perception of the antagonist and adversary. This is a perception that I must not conform, deny, rebel or counter react to what society demands. In this one has separated and divided themselves from particular things happening outwardly that they associate as being the authority of society or the world. Once you begin to see your relationship or connection to society and the world, then maybe this conflicting perception will dissolve.

When we see that I am, my parents and grandparents are responsible for creating such a world the whole issue takes on a different light. One is no longer stuck in the hate, anger and disgust towards society but can begin to look at their own contribution. To take some responsibility for their own thinking and behavior that are of the same pattern as the world. The violence, prejudice, envy and the many other ills which plagues society are also within me. We may not act upon, have the same intensity or be able to rationalize them, but at a certain level many of the ills are there. So blaming and condemning society for its awfulness and cruelty is hypocrisy when I do nothing to understand myself. Not wanting to be a hypocrite or be a participant in a pattern that will destroy me and others the question of why I should change is pretty much answered. The logical answer that you could come up with then, it is only pertinent and necessary that I do.

#  Chapter 17  
Images

The brain after thousands of years of evolution has grown in size, developed an amazing capacity to retain knowledge and an improved aptitude. The modern brain has a very sophisticated and complex form of evolutionary and progression of thinking. This thinking process has allowed humankind to churn out new and innovative technological creations. To discover new medicines, treatments to cure resistant illnesses and propelling science to incredible heights. To accomplish such technological wonders the mind uses and needs the developmental process of thought, imagery or imagination. To foresee the desired conclusion and get a projected result. It goes without saying that imagery or imagination is a logical part of the thought process to use and very necessary in the world of today.

Besides using it for technological purposes we need it to work, to find our way home and to organize our time so the area of function incorporates a large part of living. Though obviously it still has limits because when the imagery and imagination goes outside the limited field of activity it seems to create human problems. Just only looking at this even theoretically as to what it is meant by an image, you can see how they would be a hindrance in our relationships. Because images are not the actual, but merely abstractions of a reality. A photograph or television project an image, but they are not the actual. An actor can portray a certain character in a movie, but be totally different in reality from the on screen image.

Instead of a camera or some other device my brain has systematically extracting information from past experience forming a conclusion. A conclusion or mental image derived from past experience of either pleasure, pain, insult or praise that we react too. The problems manifested in the human realm would be images that I have of the wife and the image she has of me. People are always changing, adjusting and modifying, but the image I have extracted from the memory remain fairly constant. I relate to my wife through the window of the past and she does the same so we have no direct and fresh relationship. So when she tells me I am not understanding or listening to her, then she's probably right. Because I already know her through the mental conclusion or image of the past. I know her through the memory of past pleasures, conflicts, likes, dislikes, joys and fears so the relationship is always old. So both of us feel alone while being in a so-called intimate relationship.

Or you have your image of God as Christ and the neighbors has his in Mohammed then we are separated or divided antagonizing each other. We have our own self-image of being smart or intelligent but someone tells me differently, and then I become hurt and angry. Unfortunately we do not see the fact of images even as theoretical concept so we live in and by them. As we have said, it is our tradition and education for the brain to create images and it does this very well. We have images of just about everything ranging from building a persona for non-living things to constructing a specific character for the living. A persona for something like your car's reliability or looks which seems rather harmless or unimportant. Or have an image of the work a person does only occasionally seems to cause some problems, but nothing too drastic. Though the images we have about people and spiritual bodies deny us any true relationship, love or compassion which are the heart of living.

Seeing what is meant by mental images and the problems they create we can then go beyond the mere theory or concept of it. Once you actually see what images are provokes some questions like whether can anything be done about it? Can it operate effectively in one direction and yet not at all in another? How do we even begin to explore or investigate if such a thing is possible? To answer any of these questions thought and memory are what forms an image so to beginning there would be a reasonable start.

These two are the builders and constructors of images so understanding or learning about them has to be paramount. Though thought and memory are such a part of who we are, how we judge, react to things and a significant function we understand very little about them. This lack of understanding may find the issue of images somewhat confusing or difficult, but you can capture it. For we have good minds, but you just have to use it. We are barely conscious that we have images, so here is where we begin using our minds in the ability of becoming aware and attentive. Still, in awareness and attention it sometimes may be a little difficult to even know we have images until they cause conflict or contradiction. For instance, one has an image of a certain doctor being good at his profession and has the degrees to prove it. But only after some bad diagnoses or a wrong approach do you see he is incompetent. Images and the formation of them being such a subtle thing so we ask what will bring that to consciousness? Is conflict or contradiction necessary for me to know I have images?

It appears the last question we offered when answered in the affirmative is how many can perceive that they have an image. The struggle of conflict or contradiction, if it is potent enough, awakens you to where one can be aware and comes to consciousness then we usually deal with it. We may not deal with the image correctly or understand that this it is one so you end up doing what is always done. Which means adjusting or adapting thus making another mental picture to fit your altered conclusion. An image has to have enough potency of conflict or energy in contradiction before many can even be conscious of it Many images do not have an overwhelming potency or energy that makes them stand out above all else. But yet the conflict and contradiction is still there though it's that we are dulled to it, have accepted the struggle or plainly just don't care.

Thinking is the playing field where all of this happens and most of us are inattentive, unaware and insensitive to the movement of thought. So being unaware of the more subtle conflicts and contradictions, thought is making images of just about everything in our daily lives. You can see this as we are divided and separated as human being by images. My wife and children should be this way or fulfills this picture I have, but they do not. We say, I have accomplished this in my life and should have the corresponding benefits to prove it, but this is not always so. In these many compartment of images we have a fragmented relationship with those we can and none at all with the rest of the human world. Which to say this fragmented connection with others is actually no relationship at all. The consequences of having no relationship is isolation, loneliness, feeling alone and emptiness which is wreaking havoc upon modern mankind.

Another key element in the understanding imagery is in the term progression. It takes a progression of thinking to build a correct image, right imagery or the acceptable conclusion. This implies that one idea or conclusion will build upon another old idea or accepted image until there is completion of the desired picture. In addiction or any resistant problem progression is a very important thing in seeing how we look at them through this perspective where it can be used as measurement to time of abstinence, to define what is successful or being unproductive. People think this is supremely important because it fits the technological equation of life, the systems and methods we conform to and imitate. It doesn't matter how much time or progression thinking you have made with an addiction. Three or thirty years of sobriety, without gambling, without an extramarital affair or without forced vomiting you are just one bad day from returning. If you get what I am saying, time only has meaning for the physical to recover. But the psychological end of a habitual behavior comes only through total clarity and clear perception of the problem.

For the clarity and perception is immediate, not developed over time or put together by thought. You either see this problem completely or don't capture the whole falseness of it. When ending addiction psychologically or inwardly there is no such thing as getting or becoming better. It is an illusion. But only that you have seen, held it as real and understood this problem completely is there an end to an addiction. Though, if you wish to glory and measure your time of abstinence and applaud your success, I wish you all the luck. Luck or good fortune that you're thinking process will not revert back to such self-destructive ways. That you will be able to fight off, suppress or exchange your compulsion for less detrimental one and I hope you can get the result you want. But, personally I want to be totally free and to end all addiction where there is no need for hope. To end that part of hope where your life depends on it being a tolerable day, finding the right belief or by repeating some hypnotic words.

To some of you what the author writes about might sound a little unworkable to you; maybe it is? But test and check it out before dismissing or drawing a conclusion. All we are doing is pointing to the importance of being attentive to how the mind and thought operates. We are not saying or asking you to do anything totally irrational but something very natural. Watching the animals or even ourselves when we are in precarious situations to be alert and attentive is a necessary response for our survival. We are saying to observe the fact in the same way and not immediately judge it as right, wrong, what you should be or want to become. This means staying with the fact with the intensity you would have walking in the woods at night where all of the senses are heightened, alert and sensitive to movement. If you have an image of the grocery store clerk that offended us last week to stay with that fact.

In just seeing the clerk again, observe your conclusion and judgment of that person as being rude, disrespectful or whatever the case may be. Watch how thought comes in puts you on the defensive ready to lash back or tells you to forgive and forget which is are both a production within the image. Not to make excuses, but the way the clerk initially treated you could have been a misunderstanding, he may have had a really bad day or did it for some other traumatic reason. He could be actually just a rude or angry person, but in the awareness of the function of image is the discipline and the ability to take the right action.

The brain feels secure in images and the creating of them because then it can know or anticipate without too much discomfort and work. It can know how to avoid those things that may hurt and anticipate that which may bring pleasure is the known also. The reality is you can only actually know dead or fixed things, but the human heart, mind, spirit are alive and changing. Imagery wants you and your relationships to become fixed similar to the rocket propulsion system. By finding a better formula or increasing knowledge we can improve the efficiency and capability of the rocket. Many believe human beings will progress or evolve for the better in and by the same manner. They would say the brain was made to imagine, what it does best and to know is sacred so set no limits. The intellectuals and highbrow social reformist believe that the ascension of man and the solution to all his problems is through knowledge. But we have accumulated great knowledge over the past hundred years and mankind has not ascended or solved his personal problems.

In fact we may have descended and the problems gotten worse because we have become more individualistic, preoccupied with self and understanding of ourselves has no importance. An image is a part of knowledge, the known, past experience or memory of extracted information. All of this has complicated the ability to really relate to one another, to nature and ourselves which figure into our other difficulties in living. To confirm this all you have to do look at the misery and violence that is systemic from the lack of relationship. If we really had relationship things like war, divorce, a compulsion, destroying the planet would not be such overwhelming issues.

Think about it! Having mental images about yourself or looking at the rest of life through imagery is like being a second-hand human being. Like a computer that has been programmed for the correct response or reaction according to past experience, accumulated knowledge and other social particulars. Being second-hand we translate every new experience which occurs from minute to minute into something we have known from year-to-year. Then we wonder why life and living loses its vitality and energy where basically it is the same mundane event every day. The old repeating brain becomes nonchalant, insensitive and dispassionate to the freshness of daily living and experiences because it already knows everything. If the experiences are pleasurable you want to repeat them and if they were not you avoid it that is the total sum of living. Even though there are new experiences and fresh happenings to feel or enjoy everyday where the heart blooms towards capturing light.

#  Chapter 18  
What We Call Love and Compassion

In the different chapters or subjects of this text you may notice that the author gives great importance to love and compassion. Not only as qualities necessary within living peacefully and joyfully, but as energies crucial in change or transformation. Without these two qualities and energies involved any change attempted or actually made seems to be rather superficial in nature. You may manage to abstain from your addiction through sheer will power or moderate your compulsion with relentless determination. Or discover some things that make life more tolerable or settle into a new pattern where there is little more sanity and health. But what is one to do or go after this? What the author means by this is not to diminish what you have done in any way. But we acknowledge that you have fought and wrestled for years on end with the compulsion only to achieve respectability, a little more sanity or better health?

Trying to fit into the ideal so either you like yourself more or think others will? For this to be the end of your journey sounds to be rather trivial and mediocre. When we take on a single issue such as addiction we run into this problem because most people are merely searching only for a particular result. We have fragmented our lives into little compartments where we take each part one by one. To change our habitual behavior one day, the next week tackling a fear and then moving onto some other problem later on. Never capturing the total or being whole where we can fully see the problem completely. So this one common energy to change is dispersed and depleted in many different directions. Without a significant amount of energy, how could we possibly break or move away from anything?

In religion the wisdom seekers in ancient times accounted love and compassion as energies of living that could not broken up or divided. As being holy, sacred, immeasurable movements with no beginning or end to them. In depth they were saying that these actions are timeless so having no desired goal, determined result or decided achievement. You can see how people had a problem with religion's definition of love and compassion because they seemed so unobtainable or beyond the accepted way living. But yet the intense feelings and strong emotions that one sometimes experienced in a relationship or seeing living things in need still had to be named. Which we all traditionally come to know now as love and compassion. But there is a huge contradictions in what religion seemed to mean by the word then how it was interpreted by the other scholars. In that love and compassion are living and renewing things as religion has said and not merely objective or subjective conclusions we adhere to like the scholars assumed. Yet in these times this is what we have tried to make them into pre-determined responses, strong feelings, sexual expression or the giving of material things. In these responses or reactions is what we have narrowly defined as love and compassion. The concept was contradictory because they always had an end, changed from minute-to-minute and were not timeless.

So the Greeks philosophical answer to this paradox was dividing love into six categories with three major ones. Eros the sexual or romantic kind of feeling in relationships, philia love of parents, family and friends. Then agape love, which is supposed to be directed towards God and humanity. These are the three basic categories prevalently known as love. These divisions of love are widely accepted as being a fact or reality that actually exists. So love and compassion have become some kind of actions that you can learn, imitate and measure through a conclusion. We have so many books and a plethora of experts who will describe to us everything about love and compassion from their conclusion. How we will be blessed for having it or the pitfalls encountered if you do not. These authorities on the matter will even tell us where, how to get and hold these qualities or energies. So now we know how they are supposed to feel, one is to think about them and what the emotions should make us do.

This knowledge or information about love and compassion has become our conclusion on it also so now these two magnificent movements are possessions of ours. To become possessions of our petty minds that are filled with aggression, fear, prejudice and other incompatible qualities. Possessions of a contradicting heart that we can turn on or off, discriminate, use for selfish pursuits and to manipulate people. Logically how is that to be loved and have compassion? Though the twist in this is that even the imitation or practice of principles and description can expand consciousness that makes it seem as so. It frees you from the childish pettiness and the really superficial as it expands, but the deeper rooted is never touched. Quite frequently you can see the expansion of this when one finds a satisfying relationship, a religion, after long hours of meditation or coming out from a deep sorrow. A change in behavior, perspective or what we feel can actually occur in consciousness, but still have our limits and boundaries to love and compassion. That is why we termed it as an expansion, modification or adjustment because this still within the periphery of self or me. The mind and heart are less petty, not as troubled or confused, but there hasn't been a dramatic change. A radical change in which the mind and heart that has freed itself from all the pettiness and contradiction. Where we now cooperate and participate in the tremendous movement called of love and compassion instead of it being ours.

Being entrenched in superficiality we call, think and have heard said of many things to be love to where this word has very little meaning. Compassion, the word and meaning compared to love seems to have a little less tarnish on it. The diminished meaning has led some people to equate sex and sexual desire with love so that they have even termed the act as "making love." Many people will say they love apple pie, a movie or some other form of pleasure. That they love their country, religion or God and will kill and beat another down to prove it. Or some say they love a person who leaves or dies and that loss imprisons them to many years of despair. Even the most vicious and violent man could be seen as doing a loving act, but is it actually love and compassion? To follow this from beginning to end logically it would imply a movement that is contradictory, pretentious and mediocre.

That somehow it is broken up, not whole and has been reduced to something cheap or tawdry. When love is a major component in living intelligently in this world and without it life is very treacherous affair. It is kind of appalling to hear or see what is done in the name of love. The misuse and superficiality of meaning given to this word makes one cringe with sorrow for mankind (because if religion is correct) the actual is something holy, sacred and immeasurable. Yes, there's much sorrow in this because most think they understand or know what love is, but are merely just repeating tradition. If one already knows and has a conclusion, then the mind is closed to any greater possibilities of love and compassion that is sadness for mankind. Knowing the beginning and end of these magnificent qualities and energies we have been reduced to a self-centered reaction as desire, pleasure, like or emotion.

The Christian religion of the 1990s popularized the novelty of "What Would Jesus Do" to make a system or formula for love and compassion. In case you do not know about this WWJD methodology the concept was what to when faced with a difficult or perplexing situation, and then to ask yourself what would Jesus do. Then, based on your accumulation of the knowledge of Jesus you were to act with the same love and compassion. This practice is actually an intriguing thing to play with if you ever take the chance to investigate it. You can replace Jesus with Mohammed, Buddha or what is the right thing do; it really doesn't matter. If you are sensitive to what happens the mind comes to attention when the question is asked and begins searching until it finds the memory to fit the situation. That attention the brain comes upon is new to it and feels sort of pleasurable, so the brain wants more of this sensation. Though our greed tries to make it a constant reminder, obsessive or continuous, but the mind still loses track. Other thoughts and events take place which override the determination of the ego or will.

Once forgotten this question stays dormant until the next situation or remembrance causes it to resurface. What this implies is that love and compassion are memory or something that we have to think about and be reminded to do. We can only remember that which is past, finished and long gone or in other words what the memory holds are actually dead things. Nothing is really actual in the memory, but only the association of words, descriptions or ideas. So in essence their qualities and energies of love or compassion are limited to what I think and can imagine about it. Also just by playing with this technique you can see mind's vulnerability or willingness to give up its freedom to an idea. Where how the brain feels safe in imitation and comfortable following a method or system for that which is thought to better.

The WWJD system is only just one of the many such practices in which we try to reach those things which are beyond ourselves. To reach God, the immeasurable, nirvana or connect with the universe they are all almost identical to the one we described. Love and compassion are obviously beyond the self, me or ego, which we all know is sometimes tremendously selfish, incredibly ugly and really violent.

It sometimes will hate another because they have more than you do. It beats up people physically and with words because they are different. The self will withhold from others even the minimum though it overflows with plenty. This is the contradiction or confusion of what we call love and compassion. The self is petty, fearful and childish, so for love to be dependent, controlled and dictated by such an object is total contradiction.

Let me slow down a little and say that this all of this may be difficult for you to grasp or see because it is our conditioning, tradition and education to think a certain way. That way is to equate thought and thinking with the actual or real. So knowledge, thought and thinking is elevated to an all powerful activity that has no limits. Go into what knowledge actually is, understand the origin of thought and check out importance of thinking. Maybe then you will see the actual fact to what these things are.

Try to see how they are a repeat of patterns within their own little egocentric circle. Quote what you have heard, read or seen with maybe a few adjustment here and there but basically the same content, as nothing is ever new.

#  About the Author

Born and raised in Topeka, Kansas with eight siblings. Now a divorced father of three children residing in Carrollton, Texas. Attended University of Kansas and Denver Metropolitan State studying religion and psychology. Ex-Christian minister and Mental Health Technician. Devoted, serious religious-spiritual traveler and seeker of the Truth... Comments or questions send to; terenced33@gmail.com

Author's other book.....AWARENESS 101 (THE BEGINNING)
