 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> YEAH!
>> Jon: ROLLING BABY.
>> I LOVE THAT GUY!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT
GUEST TONIGHT APPLIED TO BE A
WRITER ON MY LATE-NIGHT SHOW
BACK IN THE EARLY 1990s.
HE WASN'T READY THEN, BUT A SPOT
JUST OPENED UP.
I'D LIKE TO TALK TO HIM, SEE IF
HE'S GOT WHAT IT TAKES.
I'VE BEEN TOLD HE'S MADE SOME
PROGRESS IN THE BUSINESS.
PLEASE WELCOME STEPHEN COLBERT.
♪ ♪ ♪
 ( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪
 ( APPLAUSE )
 ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN, WHAT A THRILL TO
HAVE YOU HERE.
>> Stephen: SO HAPPY-- I'M A
BIG FAN.
I'VE BEEN A FAN FOR AGES.
>> WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU
ARE?
 (  LAUGHTER  )
"I'M STEPHEN COLBERT!
LOOK AT ME!"
YOU BELIEVE, I REALLY-- I
REALLY-- I THINK YOU HAVE A LOT
OF EXPLAINING TO DO.
>> Stephen: I AM NEEDY.
>> YOU'RE NEEDY.
>> Stephen: AND WHEN I'M NOT
WITH THE AUDIENCE, I GET
PANICKING.
>> YOU GET PANICKY --
>> Stephen: I GET A LITTLE
DEPRESSED WHEN I CAN'T STAND IN
FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE AND TELL
THEM JOKES AND GET LAUGHS.
I GET A LITTLE-- I GET A
LITTLE-- I GET DEPRESSED.
I GET DEPRESSED.
I GET LONELY.
THEY'RE MY ONLY FRIENDS, CONAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> I'M CURIOUS, WHAT'S THAT LIKE
TO BE A NEEDY PERFORMER WHO'S
ONLY HAPPY WHEN THEY'RE GETTING
LAUGHS AND WOULD YOU WANT IT
THEIR SHALLOW AND EMPTY.
I WANT TO EXPLORE THAT WORLD
BECAUSE IT'S A MYSTERY TO ME.
>> Stephen: IT'S PROFITABLE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I'VE TURNED-- I'VE
TURNED MY MENTAL ILLNESS INTO A
BUSINESS MODEL.
>> YOU KNOW THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT
MY FATHER SAID TO ME ABOUT 15
YEARS AGO.
HE WAS WATCHING ME PERFORM.
AND HE SAID, "OH, I UNDERSTAND
NOW.
YOU'VE TAKEN SOMETHING THAT
SHOULD BE TREATED AND TURNED IT
INTO AN OCCUPATION."
>> Stephen: DID HE REALLY SAY
THAT?
>> YES, HE DID.
I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT WHAT'S
GOING ON BACK HERE.
YOU'RE NOT A PEOPLE PERSON
BECAUSE YOU DOUSE YOURSELF WITH
PURELL AFTER EACH-- IS THIS WHAT
YOU DO --
>> Stephen: NOTICE, BEFORE,
THIS IS REAL.
YOU DON'T HAVE THIS BEHIND YOUR
DESK?
>> I HAVE A HAZMAT CHAMBER THEY
GO INTO.
WHENEVER I'M DONE WITH A GUEST,
AND I'M LIKE, "THANKS A LOT,
MR. T.," I GO INTO A SPECIAL
CHAMBER, AND THEN I'M DOUSED
WITH VARIOUS LIGHTS, LIQUIDS,
GASES, CREAMS, AND OILS.
>> Stephen: I HAVE THIS BACK
THERE TO PROTECT MY GUESTS
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO GET MY
GUESTS SICK.
I AM ALWAYS OPERATE IEG DON'T
KNOW HOW YOU DEAL WITH YOUR SHOW
AFTER 25 YEARS.
BUT THIS IS BREAKING ME.
>> IT'S BREAKING YOU.
>> Stephen: IT'S BREAKING MY
ENDOCRINE SYSTEM AND I'M SICK
ALL THE TIME.
>> Stephen: YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO
SAY THAT.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY, "IT'S
BREAKING MY ENDOCRINE SYSTEM."
THAT MADE SOME OF US FEEL NOT SO
SMART.
>> Stephen: REALLY.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: REALLY, CONAN
O'BRIEN.
>> REALLY.
>> Stephen: REALLY,
MR. HARVARD.
>> I KNEW YOU'D PULL THAT!
>> Stephen: IT'S AN
ENDOCRINE--
>> IT WAS A DIFFERENT HARVARD.
IT WAS THE HARVARD DRIVING
SCHOOL.
SCHOOL.
>> Stephen: THE BEST, THE
BEST.
>> I CAN PARALLEL PARK.
SUMMA IN PARALLEL PARKING.
>> Stephen: IT'S BETTER THAN
YALE DIESEL MECHANICS.
I DON'T WANT TO GET MY GUESTS
SICK.
I OFTEN HAVE A COLD AND I DON'T
WANT TO GET MY GUESTS SICK.
>> THOS VERY WISE.
>> Stephen: I'M BEING VERY
THOUGHTFUL, CONAN.
YOU'RE TYPHOID MARY OVER ON YOUR
SHOW.
YOU'RE LIKE, "COME HERE!
COME HERE, OLDEST MAN IN THE
WORLD."
>> HELLO, DAME JUDI DENCH!
"I DIDN'T REALLY DO IT.
>> Stephen: YOU REALLY-- YOU
REALLY-- I WANT PLAYBACK.
JIM,IMENT PLAYBACK ON THAT.
>> I COMMIT AS A PERFORMER.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS LIKE
WATCHING A METEOR SHOWER.
IS THIS MINE?
>> IT WAS YOURS BUT NOW IT'S GOT
MY
♪
IN IT, BUT GO AHEAD.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE GOOD.
>> HOW DO YOU COME DOWN FROM A
SHOW?
WHEN I DO A SHOW, I GET A LOT OF
ENERGY FROM IT, AND I COME HOME,
AND MY FAMILY ISN'T INTERESTED--
THEY'RE NOT.
THEY DON'T WANT HYPERACTIVE
CONAN AT HOME.
THEY DON'T-- WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU HAVE A LOVELY FAMILY.
HOW DO YOU MAKE THAT --
>> Stephen: THIS IS HOW I DO
IT.
I LIVE IN PHILLY.
IT TAKES ME THREE HOURS TO GET
THERE.
>> RIGHT.
>BY THE TIME I GETTHERE, I JUST 
BED.
MY CHILDREN HAVEN'T SEEN ME
SINCE 2005.
WHAT DO I DO?
UHHH... I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS I'M UNPLEASANT.
WHEN I FIRST GET HOME--
>> ME, TOO.
I'M UNPLEASANT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE SECRET.
FIND SOMEBODY WHO WILL STAY WITH
YOU REGARDLESS OF THE FACT THAT
YOU'RE REALLY HARD TO BE WITH.
 ( LAUGHTER )
CAN I TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT
YOU?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND THAT IS THIS
FALL, I CELEBRATED 25 YEARS WITH
MY WIFE, OUR 25th WEDDING
ANNIVERSARY WAS COMING UP.
AND WHEN WE FIRST STARTED--
 ( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
SHE PUTS UP WITH ME.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: SO I WANTED TO DO
SOMETHING SPECIAL.
AND WHEN WE FIRST STARTED DATING
SHE LIVED IN NEW YORK AND I
LIVED IN CHICAGO.
AND THERE WAS NO INTERNET.
WE COULDN'T AFFORD TELEPHONE
CALLS.
SO WE WROTE EACH OTHER LETTERS
ALMOST EVERY DAY.
WE HAVE HUNDREDS OF LETTERS TO
EACHING.
>> THAT'S SO COOL.
YOU'RE LIKE A CIVIL WAR VETERAN.
>> Stephen: VERY MUCH SO.
SAD VIOLINS PLAY WHENEVER I
THINK ABOUT IT.
"MY DEAREST LORRAINE..." AND SO
FOR-- THEY'VE BEEN PACKED AWAY
IN THIS BOX-- SHE HAD A VERY
PRETTY LITTLE BOX THAT SHE PUT
THIM NAWL AND SHE PUT THEM
SOMEWHERE BACK IN THEATIC.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE THEY WERE,
AND I WANTED TO GET THEM TO GET
A FEW OUT TO READ TO EACH OTHER
ON OUR ANNIVERSARY.
AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE THEY
WERE.
AND SHE KNOWS WHERE EVERYTHING
IS BUT I CAN'T ASK HER BECAUSE
IT'S GOT TO BE A SURPRISE.
SO I THOUGHT-- I'M WALKING UP
THE STEPS AND I THOUGHT HOW CAN
I ASK HER WHERE THEY ARE?
AND WE FIRST STARTED DATING IS
WHEN I APPLIED TO BE A WRITER ON
YOUR FIRST SHOW.
>> 1993.
>> Stephen: WE WERE MARRIED
THE MONTH YOU CAME ON THE AIR,
OCTOBER 1993.
AND I THOUGHT, I KNOW, "HEY,
HON.
>> GOT A CALL FROM CONAN LAST
NIGHT."
AND SHE GOES, "WHAT DID HE
WANT?"
AND I SAID, "REMEMBER HOW I
APPLIED TO BE A WRITER ON
CONAN'S SHOW AND HE DIDN'T HIRE
ME AND I DON'T RESENT HIM AT
ALL."
 (  LAUGHTER  )
SHE GOES, YEAH, YEAH, I REMEMBER
THAT.
YOU TALK ABOUT IT A LOT.
 ( LAUGHTER )
AND I SAID, "HE CALLED ME
BECAUSE HE IS ENDING HIS PRESENT
SHOW, AND HE'S GOING TO CHANGE
UP THE SHOW."
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND FOR THE END OF
HIS SHOW, HE'S GOING TO
ACTUALLY-- HE'S HAVING PEOPLE
WHO SUBMITTED TO HIS ORIGINAL
SHOW-- HE'S GOING TO SAY LOOK AT
MY 25 YEARS-- AND COME ON AND
READ SOME OF THE ORIGINAL
PITCHES TO ORIGINAL SHOW.
HE WANTS ME TO READ IT AT MY
DESK.
I CAN'T FIND THE ORIGINAL
PITCHES."
SHE SAID, "WHERE WILL THEY BE?"
AND I SAID, "THE LAST TIME I SAW
THEM, THEY WERE IN THE SAME
BOXES OF THE LETTERS WE WROTE TO
EACH OTHER."
AND SHE SAID, "YOU'LL HAVE TO
PUT ON A HEAD LAMP, YOU'LL SEE
THE KIDS, IT'S IN THE BASSINET,
BEHIND THERE, IT'S LABELED IN
THE BOX, BUT IT'S AT THE
BOTTOM."
I GO, "GREAT."
I GO GET THEM, COME OUT, HIDE
THE THINGS FROM HER.
AND I SAID, "I COULDN'T FIND IT.
I COULDN'T FIND THE CONAN STUFF.
I'LL HAVE TO LOOK SOMEWHERE
ELSE."
AND THE NEXT DAY YOU ANNOUNCED
YOU WERE CHANGING YOUR SHOW.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: I DIDN'T KNOW.
I MADE THAT UP AS A LIE TO MY
WIFE.
>> I-- I CHANGED THE SHOW TO
JUSTIFY THE LIE SO YOU WOULDN'T
GET CAUGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A GOOD MAN.
>> I'M A VERY GOOD MAN.
MAYBE THE BEST MAN EVER.
THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE.
THIS REALLY DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE.
 ( LAUGHTER )
HEY.
>> Stephen: HEY!
>> GOOD LUCK...
( WHISTLES )
YOU'LL GET A GIG.
NETWORK'S EASY.
STEPHEN COLBERT, EVERYBODY!
