- So I go, "I have sent
six of my Libyan missiles
"to blow up the
Sears hardware department
"in Valley Stream, Long Island.
♪ "Ha-lama-ya-am-aya 
♪ Yam-ay-ya-ai-ai-ia-ia" 
 [intense hip-hop music]
 ♪ 
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome
to "This Is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Ari Shaffir,
and today the topic is crime.
[cheers and applause]
You guys, I'm so excited
this dude is doing my show.
He's been making America laugh
for 25 years.
You guys are gonna
absolutely love him.
Please give it up
for my friend and yours,
Mr. Jim Breuer, everybody.
 Let him hear it.
[cheers and applause]
- So I'm gonna
tell you about
my first job
that I ever had,
and this is when I knew
I wanted to do stand-up comedy,
and I--you know,
like, my daughter's 16 now,
and she's not really sure
what she wants.
I knew
from the time I was 16
I wanted to act, be funny,
and do stand-up.
And so I got a job.
My friend hooked me up,
and I worked
in a Sears paint department
in Long Island.
And I ruined a lot homes.
[laughter]
Just destroyed homes
from 1985 to '88.
If you go to Long Island now,
you just see just
crap jobs of house--
"Why'd you stain your bathroom?"
"This guy told me.
He worked at..."
[chuckles]
I really--I mean,
it was a joke to me.
There was two of us
that worked in paint,
and it was attached to a mall,
so literally we'd take
one-hour tag team breaks.
So I would get paid
for four hours,
work two hours,
and tell everyone,
"No, you won't like it here.
"Go to Benjamin Moore.
Trust me. The paint's better."
So it was a great gig.
Now, when I was there,
the one thing I used
to love doing was,
I would call
all the other departments,
just drive them nuts,
because two things when you work
at a department store:
A, you have to pick up
the phone.
They tell you that.
Like, "No matter how many
customers you have,
"you have to pick up the phone.
It's policy."
So as soon as I heard that,
I was like,
"Oh, this is gonna be great."
[laughter]
So I would start with the--
and the only--
the only people that work
at a department store
are people that are retired
or--or teenagers.
And if it's in between,
then you got someone pregnant
or you're going through
a bad divorce.
There's no reason why
you should be 35, like,
"Hi, welcome
to Sears hardware today.
Can I help you out
with some drill bits?"
You're just--you're done.
You're living
in your mother's basement.
You're a zero.
So I'd call up old people in,
like, linens, you know?
Like,
"Hi, this is Carol in linens."
Like, "How you doing today,
Carol?
Tell me about your linens."
Um...
And that's--that's--honestly,
where I would do--
I would do impressions.
There was this fat kid
named Scott,
and he worked
in the toy department.
Now, this was in the '80s,
so every couple years,
a new toy comes out
and people, like,
kill each other
to get the toys.
And back then, it was
the Cabbage Patch doll.
So people are lined up,
and we were near
Jamaica, Queens,
so this is a big black area.
Sort of big black Jamaican like:
[with Jamaican accent]
"I'm gonna get me
"the Cabbage Patch doll.
"I know they only make
three black ones,
so I want the one."
So Scott was petrified.
You have 40 black women
running into his department
at 8:00 in the morning,
and that's when
I would call him.
And he'd be like, "Hello,
this is Sears toy department,
Valley Stream--"
I'm like, "Hey,
this is Joe Pesci,
"I want to come in there.
"I need a black
Cabbage Patch doll.
"And don't give me
no rain check,
"or I'm gonna come down there
and bust your balls.
You hear me? I'm gonna be there
in 20 minutes."
He comes--
"Hey, guys, is that you?"
I'm like, "What--me, what?"
"Joe Pesci's coming here!"
Like, "I--don't give him
a rain check, man.
I don't know what to tell you."
[laughter]
So we're in
the paint department one day,
and this new guy comes in
from hardware, all right?
And I'm staring at this banana,
and he's very serious.
He's, like, fixing the stock.
And he's like,
"This wrench goes over here.
"And I think these hammers
go over here.
"They're not where
the Craftsmen are.
"And I just--understand--
I really have
to fix this department up."
And I went, "I got
to break this dummy in."
So I...
[laughter]
I go--I go walking up to him,
and I go,
"Hey, man, my name's Jim.
"I work in the paint department.
If you need anything,
just let me know."
He gets--he's snippy with me.
And he's, like, in his 40s.
So he goes,
"You know what I need?
"I need you to stay
in the paint department, okay?
"Because you're young.
You look like you're wasted.
Do you come
to this job wasted?"
I'm like,
"No, I look like this."
"Oh, okay, right."
[laughter]
He goes, "I hear
the way you talk to the people
"in the paint department.
"It's a joke--
people want your help,
"and you don't help them.
"I'm here to explain to them
"what's the difference
between a crafting tool,
"what drill bits are for,
"and all the different hammers.
"You know how
you can do me a favor?
"Stay out of my department.
"I'm here, and I take this
seriously.
"I want to help people.
Stay in paint."
I was like, "Uh-oh, all right."
And I took his--
I took his newspaper.
There was a newspaper
on his little desk.
So I'm like, "Yeah, all right."
I took his newspaper and--
"I'll show him."
Now, a little part of history.
At that time,
America was in a serious
situation with Libya.
Huge!
Before bin Laden,
there was Muammar Gaddafi,
and he was huge in news,
because he shot
six missiles at a U.S. plane.
He missed.
[laughter]
And then the next day,
we bombed his tent.
That's what happened.
And it was huge news.
It was right on--
if you--when you went home,
you only had four channels
to watch on TV.
It was before
there was even remotes.
It would just--
your father would go,
"Hey, turn on channel four."
And you'd have to get up like...
[bangs microphone]
[grumbling]
"Okay."
And so everything was,
"Next on the news,
Muammar Gaddafi.
Is America"--
"Muammar Gaddafi"--
"Muammar Gaddafi
shoots six missiles"--
"Muammar Gaddafi."
And the newspaper
that I'm looking at,
the headline has a picture
of Muammar Gaddafi
with missiles going behind him.
So I'm sitting there,
and I went,
"All right,
I'm gonna break this dummy in,
and I'm gonna call
as Muammar Gaddafi."
[laughter]
'Cause I'm just gonna bust
his balls relentlessly.
So I swear on my kids
this is a true story.
Now...
So I'm a--my--my--where my
register is, I can see him.
He's--he's maybe 75 feet away,
and that--maybe!
And I'm looking right at him,
so I got the phone,
and I'm comf--and I'm
looking at the newspaper,
and I ring his department,
and he picks up the phone.
He goes,
"Hello, this is Greg.
"Sears hardware
in Valley Stream, New York.
How may I help you today?"
And I go,
"Hello.
"This is Muammar Gaddafi."
And he goes, "Hold on a sec.
I got to spell that."
What is--you guys--
[laughter]
He goes,
"What is your name?"
I swear to God,
"What is your name?"
I said, "Muammar!
"Muammar Gaddafi!
The great Libyan leader!"
And he goes,
"Well, how can I help you?"
[laughter]
So I don't know
if he's playing with me.
So I go, "I have sent six
of my Libyan missiles
"to blow up the Sears
hardware department
"in Valley Stream, Long Island.
♪ "Ha-lama-ya-am-aya 
♪ "Yam-ay-ya-ai-ai-ia-ia 
♪ "Yaa-ai-ai-yaa 
♪ Ay-yai-yaa" 
At least that loud.
At least that loud.
I'm not even exaggerating.
And I go,
"You have 15 minutes
"to evacuate all
of your Craftsmen tools
"and the hammers and the
tool bits of the hardware.
♪ "Yam-ay-ya-ai-ai-ia-ia 
[imitates missiles launching]
"Three missiles are--
[imitates missile launching]
Four missile!"
[imitates missiles launching]
And--
and he's just sitting there,
listening.
[laughter]
And he goes, "Is there any--
is there anything I can--
anything else I can do
for you, Mr. Gaddafi?"
And I go, "Yes, you remember
this, my friend.
Long live paint!"
Right?
[laughter and applause]
Wait.
[laughter and applause]
That's not the funny part.
[laughter]
So...
the break room was
attached to paint.
I leave into the break room,
and I'm like, "This is
the greatest call ever
in history."
I'm cracking up.
I'm at the break room,
and I'm picking out
whatever snacks I'm getting,
and I come back on the floor,
and I went, "You know what?
"Let me--let me call him up
and tell him I was busting
his chops, all right?"
So I call him up,
and he doesn't answer.
So I'm like, "Oh,
that's a big no-no."
[laughter]
I'm gonna report him.
[laughter]
So I call the supervisor,
and he doesn't--
he's not picking up the phone.
I'm like, "What--what is"--
And then--
and then I'm looking around.
[laughter]
And there's no one on the floor.
There's no customers.
There's no salespeople.
And I really--
I swear to God, I'm like,
"Is it a holiday?
Were we supposed to leave at--
What the hell's going on?"
So it's just me on the whole
second floor at Sears,
hanging out in paint.
And then all of a sudden,
guy comes through
the stock doors
in regular clothes, like,
"Bro, let's go!
We got to go!
"We got to go!
Right now!
"We got one more.
We got more!
Let's go!"
I'm like, "Oh, my God!
All right.
Let's get out of here!"
I thought there was a fire.
So I'm running with him.
[laughter]
I thought it was a fire.
I don't know what's going on.
I don't smell the smoke.
He goes,
"No, no, no, it's not a fire!
"It's a bomb!
A bomb's gonna go off
any minute!"
I said,
"What are you talking about?"
He goes,
"The new guy in hardware
had someone call in said they're
gonna blow the place up!"
[laughter]
And I did what you did;
I just laughed!
That's funny.
[cackles]
That's dope.
That's why there's no--
are you kidding me?
I said, "That's why there's
no one in Sears?"
He goes, "Yeah, and the mall.
They evacuated the mall."
I'm like...
[laughter and applause]
Wha--how did he get
a bomb threat?
I said I was
Muammar Gaddafi...
and I sent six
Libyan missiles...
to hit Sears hardware.
Valley Stream, New York,
which then proceeded with a...
♪ Ha-la-mayama-ma-ai-ah 
♪ Alam-ai-ai-ayaaa 
I ended by saying,
"Long live paint!"
[laughter]
That guy's a suspect.
"How can you hire that guy?
"He's a--he's a suspect!
"Tell everyone to come back.
That's so stupid--
this is hilarious!"
He goes, "It's not funny, man.
It's not funny.
"Wait till you see who's waiting
for you downstairs.
"There's a million cops
downstairs.
Like, I think you're getting
arrested."
And I went, "Pshh. Heh.
Just tell them
the story, man."
[laughter]
So I go down,
and there's a lot of cops--
there's a lot of cops,
and I hear, like...
[imitating helicopter]
I'm like, "Is that a helicopter?
"This is great!
[laughter]
This is great!"
So I'm literally going through
the ranks of the cops,
and one after they other,
they go,
"Oh, my God!
Wait till--"
[imitates walkie-talkie static]
"Sarge, hurry up.
You got to hear this story."
[laughter]
"Here's a card.
"If you ever need anything,
you call that thing.
"I'm serious.
You want to dump a body.
"You need--you know.
"You're wasted,
slam into a tree,
"you call me, man.
You got to call me."
He goes, "You should
become a comedian."
I said,
"That's what I'm trying to do."
He goes, "Seriously,
you got to become a comedian,
"because--
and that guy is a suspect.
"I agree with you.
He's a suspect.
He's a suspect."
[cheers and applause]
So the sarge comes, right?
And I'm so excited.
I've got the highest rank.
He's like, "Sarge!
"Let sarge through.
"Wait--Sarge,
wait till you hear this story.
"Bro, you got to do the...
♪ Ha-lam-a 
"He's gonna love this story.
He's gonna love this story."
So I go through
the story with Sarge,
and I end with
"Long live paint!"
And he's going,
"Oh, my God!
"What are you doing here?
"What are you d--
"Here, take a card.
I'm the sarge.
If you need anything..."
He goes,
"You should get on stage.
You should become a comedian."
I said, "I'm working on it.
That's--"
He goes, "Listen, I have
no problem what you did.
"Obviously, that guy's got
problems in hardware.
"There's something off with him.
"He might be a suspect.
"I don't know,
but here's the problem.
"The problem is,
it's out of my jurisdiction.
The feds are here."
[crowd exclaims]
I figured, "I'm killing.
"Let's bring it to a new level.
"Bring them in.
Bring the feds in.
"Bring the feds in.
"I want a badge.
If we're gonna go badges,
let's go to the top."
Now, they're not--
they're not as loose
as the cops.
They're just--
these guys look like something
you would see in a movie, right?
And there's--
and the one guy comes through,
and he looks pretty intense,
and he pulls up--
he pulls up a chair.
You know, like...
♪ Dun, dun-dun dun 
He goes, "I don't know what
everyone thinks is so funny.
"Okay?
"I had to come in
from JFK International Airport.
"I had to call
the Secretary of Defense.
"Do you realize the situation
"that's going on
with Libya right now
"and Muammar Gaddafi?
"And you think it's funny?
"You think this is funny.
"The cops may think it's funny.
"Your little friends
may think it's funny.
"Here's how we're gonna
determine the situation.
"You're gonna look at me
and my two agents,
"and you're gonna look us
in the eye
"and just tell us facts, okay?
"And if I determine
that your intentions
"were not what I like,
"you don't get
to call your parents,
"and you don't get
to call a lawyer.
As far as anyone's concerned,
you're missing."
[laughter]
"Do you understand the
predicament that you are in?"
"[chuckles]
No."
[laughter]
"Are you high?"
"No, this is
how I look all the time."
[cheers and applause]
So I--
and he goes, "Look."
[cackles]
He goes, "Look them in the eye."
I said, "All right, all right,
all right.
"All right, so I'm in paint.
[laughter]
"And I call
the guy from hardware,
"and he says, 'Hello, this Greg,
Sears hardware,
"'Valley Stream, New York.
How may I help you?'"
[laughter]
And I go through the story,
and I go,
"I've sent six Libyan missiles
to blow up the Sears hardware.
♪ "Ha-la-maa 
♪ "Ya-la-ba-ya-naa 
♪ "Ya-ma-na-ma-yaa 
"That's what I did, man.
I'm just saying to you
what I did."
He goes, "Well, is that it?"
I went, "No, I ended by saying,
"'Long live paint!'
And that's why we're here."
[laughter]
"I got some police cards
if you want to see..."
[cheers and applause]
And he just--he stared at me
for, like, ten seconds.
And then he goes...
[chuckles]
[cheers and applause]
- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
- "I'll do the paperwork.
You should become a comedian,
man."
[cheers and applause]
"Get that guy from hardware.
"He's a suspect.
Go get that guy."
Thank you, guys.
[cheers and applause]
