

## The Good, the Plaid, and the Ugly

By Justin Langer

Copyright 2013

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this free ebook. You are welcome to share it with your friends. This ebook may be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete original form. If you enjoyed this book, please return to Smashwords.com to discover other works by this author. You will also find additional information about the author at the end of this work. Enjoy!

Smashwords Edition, Legal Notes

All characters, products and events appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

FADE IN:

INT: HIGH SCHOOL BATHROOM. 1997.

High school senior TIM HOFFLEDAY rinses his left hand in a sink. Blood runs down his hand and mingles with the water as it washes down the drain.

Beside Tim, JERRY TARMACK combs his hair in the mirror.

TIM

Dammit, Tarmack, I can't believe you guys ran. The only one who stuck around to bail me out was Jack.

TARMACK

Sorry, Tim. It was about to get real ugly and I didn't see a reason for all of us to get caught. Like I said, I am really sorry.

TIM

It's alright. I am sure this whole thing with Jack will blow over in a couple of weeks. But as for me, I am walking the straight and narrow from now on. No more Mr. Last Minute. It is just as mischievous a quality as it is admirable.

TARMACK

Sure. So, why'd they name him Jack? Did they realize the serious threat his name would pose to his high school image? What was wrong with Bill or Mike?

TIM

I don't think my parents were looking that far ahead when they named him. Besides, it had to be Jack, after our grandfather. It's a tradition thing. Our family is BIG on tradition.

TARMACK

That's like naming your kid Harry, when his last name is Balls. Or naming him Dick, when his last name is Licker! Or naming him...

TIM

(interrupting)

I get the point, Tarmack.

Tim watches the water swirl down into the drain.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT: DAIRY COOLER. PRESENT DAY.

All is black.

JACK

I never thought I would end it like this. So dark, so cold, and so alone. I can see my breath pierce the frigid air. In the desolate silence, my voice echoes back as the walls close in on me. The darkness surrounds me like a shroud of...

Suddenly, the steel door swings open and RANDY peeks in. He is bald with glasses. His mustache looks like a thick, hairy caterpillar crossing his face with every word he speaks.

RANDY

Jack, are you in here slacking off, again?

Silence. Randy flips on the light. JACK HOFFLEDAY sits on an empty milk crate in the middle of the dairy cooler. His face is scruffy and his work uniform is wrinkled and stained. He hides an opened carton of chocolate milk behind his back.

RANDY

What in the hell are you doing, boy? Get off your ass and get to work.

Jack rises to his feet and continues to hide the milk carton.

RANDY

What time did you get here today?

JACK

Umm, earlier.

RANDY

What's earlier?

JACK

A little while ago.

RANDY

I am not playing this stupid game. What time did you arrive at work today?

JACK

Eight (pause) Thirty (pause) -Ish.

RANDY

Jack Hoffleday, you give me a straight answer, now! And don't lie because I can check the time-clock.

Long awkward silence.

JACK

Eleven.

RANDY

That's the last time, Jack. I will not tolerate you being insubordinate anymore. One more slip and you're fired. So, shape up or ship out! Understood?

JACK

Yes, sir.

RANDY

Good. Give me an All American Supermarket salute and get to it.

Jack salutes Randy and accidentally douses him in chocolate milk.

RANDY

Jack, why don't you take the day off and go home early. And don't bother EVER coming back. Maybe you can do that much right without being a LOSER?

Jack slides past Randy out the cooler.

CUT TO:

INT: ALL AMERICAN SUPERMARKET. AISLE 14.

Jack drags himself down the aisle. He casually pulls a box- cutter from his pocket and jams it into a bag of sugar. He drags the box-cutter the entire length of the aisle through bags of sugar, flour, and salt. They flow down into large neat mounds like dozens of little white ant-hills. Jack cracks a smile.

CUT TO:

INT. AISLE 12.

Jack grabs a cheap 2-liter bottle of grape soda and a bag of potato chips. He rips open the bag of chips and dumps it all over his face. Only a handful falls into his mouth as the rest pile onto the floor. He drops the bag and moves on.

CUT TO:

INT: FROZEN FOODS AISLE.

Jack reaches into a cooler and grabs six canisters of pizza dough.

CUT TO:

INT: REGISTERS.

Jack carries the soda and canisters in his arms and makes for the exit. Randy and another associate, TAMMY, stand and watch him. Tammy plays with her hair as she chomps on her bubble gum.

TAMMY

Sorry to see you go, loser.

Jack ignores her and looks down at a stack of newspapers on a stand. He reveals a devious smile while tapping on the corner of the top newspaper.

JACK

Ninety-five. It is going to be a hot one today!

Jack exits the store.

TAMMY

Randy, aren't you going to stop him? He just left with all that stuff!

Randy contemplates Tammy's statement for a moment.

RANDY

No. It is a small price to pay to get him out of here quickly and painlessly. Don't you have some work to do?

CUT TO:

EXT: PARKING LOT.

Jack sits under a tree and chugs some grape soda from the bottle. He pours the rest out and pops open one of the canisters of pizza dough. He scoops out the dough and begins stuffing it into the empty two-liter bottle.

CUT TO:

EXT: FIVE MINUTES LATER.

Jack squishes his face into the driver's side window of a 1998 Toyota Camry.

JACK

Nice car, Randy. I see it pays well being an asshole.

Jack tries every door of the car only to find that they are all locked. He stands defeated for a moment until he notices the open sunroof. He lops the two-liter bottle of dough into the car, and trots off.

CUT TO:

INT: TIM'S HOUSE.

Jack lies face down on a corduroy couch. Tim's beagle, Sammie, is sprawled out on top of him belly up.

The telephone RINGS. Jack's arm comes to life and grabs the phone.

JACK

If you're calling about the puppies, we've decided to keep them all.

JIM-BOB

(V.0.)

Hey, dude. What are you...puppies? Dude, did Sammie have puppies?

JACK

Yeah, Jim-Bob. Right after his sex-change.

JIM-BOB

Poor Sammie. Anyways, what are you up to right now?

JACK

Nothing. Just reclining on my brother's sweet new couch.

JIM-BOB

Want to ditch the couch and join me and Joe-Bob at the beach? We got some chairs and a cooler of cold beer. We'll be there in like twenty minutes after Joe-Bob shaves his head.

JACK

Sweet! I will bring the lime. See ya!

Jack hangs up the phone.

CUT TO:

EXT: CLEARWATER BEACH.

Jack strolls onto the sand in his mismatched beach attire and flip-flops. He drags his beach chair past a sign.

INSERT: SIGN

Welcome to Clearwater Beach.

BACK TO SCENE

The beach is swarmed with kids building sand castles, guys playing volleyball, and girls sunbathing in bikinis. All the cleavage of the tanning women reflects off Jacks sunglasses.

He unfolds his chair next to two guys in cut-off army camouflage shorts. JIM-BOB has creamy tanning lotion smeared all over his chest and a head full of stringy hair. JOE-BOB is bald and wears a hat.

Jim-Bob hands Jack an open bottle of beer from a cooler full of ice.

JIM-BOB

Hey, dude. Bring us a lime?

JACK

No, sorry man. I, umm, went to the store and they didn't have any because, there's a, umm, lime shortage this year.

JIM-BOB

That's harsh. Oh well. Drop down and catch some rays.

JACK

But hey, I did bring a can of lemon lime soda.

Jack opens the soda and tops off his bottle of beer.

JACK

Dude, this is BETTER than lime!

Jim-Bob takes the can and tops off his beer. He takes a swig.

JIM-BOB

Dude, that is awesome!

Jack drops down in his chair, kicks off his flip-flops and chugs his beer.

JACK

So I've been doing some deep thinking and I got a solid name for our band. You guys ready for this?

The Bob-brothers stare at him.

JACK

Picture this on a marquis. In bold black letters, it says, "Peanut Brittle Bone Disease."

Silence.

The Bob-brothers slump back in their chairs as if Jack said nothing. Jack shrugs and chugs his beer.

CUT TO:

EXT: TWENTY MINUTES LATER.

Jack opens another beer and tops it off with lemon lime soda.

JACK

So I bought these pretty sick VHS tapes the other day.

JIM-BOB

Yeah, like some girl on girl stuff?

JACK

What? No. It's male on male stuff.

The Bob brothers look at him in disgust.

JACK

No, not like that. It's some wrestling tapes with my man, Rowdy Roddie Piper. You guys wanna come hang later and watch them?

JIM-BOB

Why would we do that when he is in town tomorrow night? Did you forget only the most important night of the year?

JACK

Oh shit! That's right, there's a show tomorrow night in Ybor City. Jim-Bob, you know I got you later if you can spot me the dough for the ticket.

JIM-BOB

Nope. I'm broke, buddy.

JACK

Joe-Bob?

Joe-Bob sits quietly like he never heard Jack.

JACK

Why is Joe-Bob so quiet? I've been here twenty minutes and he hasn't even made one perverted remark about a girl's titties.

JIM-BOB

Oh, he is a little sensitive right now.

JACK

Joe-Bob, sensitive?

JIM-BOB

Yup. He didn't realize he had such a funny shaped head until after he shaved it.

Joe-Bob removes his hat to reveal his bald, crooked head covered in cuts and nicks.

JACK

Yeah, that's a pretty fucked up shaped head, dude. Put your hat back on.

Joe-Bob flops the hat back on.

JACK

His head is always going to be that ugly. Did you tell him that the hair will grow back?

JIM-BOB

No. Do you think that will make him feel better?

JACK

Probably not, but THOSE will make him feel better!

Jack points towards a couple of women tanning in front of them. Both women are face down with their tops undone. Jack chugs his beer and wipes his mouth.

JACK

Jim-Bob, another beer, please. I'm feeling hot!

CUT TO:

INT: MEETING ROOM.

Twelve important looking people sit at a long table, including MR. LEGHORN, MS. WILSON and an older Jerry Tarmack. They all stare at 26-year old Tim Hoffleday. Tim wears a business suit and is clean-shaven.

Tim stands in front of a huge display of Kutter brand mosquito repellant products and storyboards.

TIM

So the mosquito says, "as if my two-week life span wasn't short enough already!" Then, we show the mother spray the mosquito with the can of mosquito fogger. Finally, focus in on the assortment of Kutter mosquito repellant products on the picnic table and we end with the new slogan, which is..."Kill them quick, kill them today, kill them the Kutter way!"

Tim stands proud and looks each of them over. They all sit quietly.

MR. LEGHORN

Well, that sucked.

MS. WILSON

Mr. Leghorn, please! Tim, we gave you a week and you present us with...

Mr. LEGHORN

(interrupting)

It sucked. Just say it.

MS. WILSON

Mr. Leghorn, that's enough! Tim, we wanted something more professional and less...homicidal. And the mosquito seems too cute. What does everyone else think?

MR. LEGHORN

We should contact a more legit advertising agency. We basically hired this kid because he is a friend of Tarmack's and that has already afforded us a week we didn't have. That's what I think.

She looks around at the other board members. They all nod in agreement. Jerry Tarmack speaks up.

TARMACK

Before we jump into a hasty decision let's give Tim another chance. I feel he is just getting warmed up. I promise you guys he will give us something incredible this time next week. I vouch for him on this!

All the board members MURMUR.

MS. WILSON

Tarmack, do you realize we have already lost a week? We have deadlines and you want another seven days? I consider myself open-minded and am willing to give Tim another chance at this. I will offer him two days to give us something not only better, but perfect.

Ms. Wilson stares at Tim. He nods to her as he nervously rubs a large SCAR on his left hand.

MR. LEGHORN

Great, Ms. Wilson. I am going to end this meeting if you don't mind and go find my own way of wasting two more days of company time.

He leaves. A few of the other people follow him.

CUT TO:

INT: HALLWAY.

Tim lulls down the hallway with an arm full of storyboards, a briefcase, and a few cans and bottles of mosquito repellant. Tarmack combs his hair as he walks with Tim.

TIM

Tarmack, you didn't have to do that. I really gave them my all. I don't think I am going to come up with anything better in two days.

TARMACK

Well, you have to. I stuck my neck out for you and I need you to pull this one out. I know you can do it, Mr. Last Minute.

TIM

Don't call me that, it reminds me of high school.

TARMACK

I can't help it. It is the truth. Every game, every test, everything in general, you always pulled it out last minute. You were the man back then!

Tim stops.

TIM

So what am I now?

TARMACK

Tim, you've become a weenie. In that high school bathroom, seven years ago, I never believed you for a second when you said that you were going to start "walking the straight and narrow." But you DID and then some. It seems like everything you've become since then is just so predictable, planned, and.. .boring. You're whole presentation today was so plain and so packaged. It was like a formed, processed, bland, and chalky nutritional candy bar. You left a dull taste in everyone's mouth. You need to get back to that old Tim that was spontaneous, and unpredictable. You are not going to land this sale unless you do!

TIM

Well, maybe I never wanted to land this sale in the first place.

A janitor pushes past them with a cart full of cleaning supplies and a trash can. Tim crams all his storyboards in the trash can and stomps off.

TARMACK

Tim.

Tim turns around.

TARMACK

Too much work and not enough play makes Tim a dull boy! You need to unwind. Forget about the account for a day and go do something spontaneous and crazy. Hey, tomorrow night at the Afterglow, Lesbian Coleslaw Wrestling! My brother can get us in for free.

Tim smiles.

TIM

Thanks for looking out, Tarmack. I'll get back to you on the coleslaw wrestling.

CUT TO:

EXT: CLEARWATER BEACH.

Jack is sprawled out in his chair. Five empty beer bottles litter the sand near his feet. His cheeks and forehead are pink from the hot sun.

JACK

Jim-Bobby, baby. One more beer for the Jackster.

Jim-Bob passes over another beer. The girls still tan with their tops undone.

JACK

Dude, look at these girls. They are so taunting us. They want us to look.

JIM-BOB

That's right, dude. But we are WAY are out of their league, so looking is all we can do and probably afford. It is like having a parrot dangled in front of our faces.

JACK

You mean a carrot?

JIM-BOB

Yeah.

Jack takes a long swig of his cold beer as Jim-Bob pulls a beer out of the ice for himself. There are three beers left in the cooler.

CUT TO:

EXT: TWENTY MINUTES LATER.

The cooler is empty. Jack finishes his beer and drops the empty bottle next to the other six bottles by his feet. His head slumps forward in a drunken stupor as he BELCHES a hideous burp.

He stares indefinitely at the girls tanning.

JACK

I can't handle this too much longer. These girls are...

One of the girls sits up a little bit and readjusts herself.

JACK

I totally just saw a nip!

Jack wobbles to his feet and stumbles to the cooler.

JIM-BOB

No more beer, dude. We are out.

JACK

It's OK, I didn't come over here for the beer.

Jack picks up the cooler and staggers through the sand towards the girls.

JACK

This is for you Joe-Bob. Hopefully it will make you feel better about your fucked-up shaped head.

Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob lean forward in their seats, wide-eyed with attention. Jack stands over the girls, VANESSA and CINDY, with the cooler in his hands.

VANESSA

(condescendingly)

You're standing in my sun, loser.

Jack looks delirious and collected all at once as he dumps the cooler of ice and water onto the girls. They SCREAM and hop to their feet. Jack and the Bob brothers are in heaven as the girls' scramble around topless.

Vanessa yells for her boyfriend. Cindy slugs Jack in his eye.

VANESSA

Bobby! Bobby, help me!

BOBBY and FRANK come running out of Kahuna's Beach Bar.

Jim-Bob starts throwing empty beer bottles at them. One of them bounces off Frank's skull causing him to hit the sand like a bag of potatoes. Bobby sprints through the sand and clotheslines Jim-Bob. Jim-Bob doubles over and just about kisses his own butt.

BOBBY

I am going to get you asshole!

Jack has Cindy in a headlock. He pushes her down into a sandcastle and throws a handful of sand at Bobby. Cindy staggers to her feet and swings wildly at Jack. As Bobby claws sand from his eyes, Joe-bob wraps a towel around his head. Joe-Bob spins Bobby around in front of Jack causing Bobby to accidentally receive a few vicious jabs via Cindy.

Jack grabs Jim-Bob and makes for the parking lot.

JACK

Let's go Joe-Bob!

Joe-Bob catches up with his brother and Jack.

JOE-BOB

Them sure was the pointiest titties I ever seen!

Jack laughs.

JACK

Yes, Joe-Bob is back!

CUT TO:

INT: TIM'S HOUSE.

Jack lies on the couch covered in sand. He holds an All-American Supermarket plastic grocery bag filled with ice on his eye.

Sammie's tail wags as he watches Tim saunter up the driveway. Tim trudges through the front door and drops his bag. He kneels down and lets the dog lick his face.

TIM

Hey, Sammie-dog!

Jack doesn't move as Tim notices him.

TIM

My brother, Jack, with a black eye. Who did you manage to piss off, today?

JACK

This dude got crazy with me at the beach. I looked at his girlfriend wrong or something.

Tim begins to look disgruntled.

TIM

And you had time to go to the beach today, when?

CUT TO:

EXT: ALL-AMERICAN SUPERMARKET. PARKING LOT.

The burning hot sun reflects off the white hood of Randy's Toyota Camry.

CUT TO:

INT: TOYOTA CAMRY.

The 2-liter bottle sits on the passenger side seat. The pizza dough bubbles inside the bottle.

CUT TO:

INT: TIM'S HOUSE.

Jack sits up in the couch.

JACK

After work.

TIM

When was that?

JACK

Like...um...

TIM

Jack, I am not one of your stupid bosses. I am your brother. Please, treat with me with just a little more respect and give me the truth.

JACK

Oh come on, Tim. I had a rough day. Can't we talk about this later when I can see your wonderful smiling face?

Tim clenches his hands into fists.

CUT TO:

INT: TOYOTA CAMRY.

Hot sunlight bathes the 2-liter bottle from the open sunroof. The pizza dough bubbles profusely inside the bottle. It makes a quiet WHINING noise like a teakettle that is just reaching a boil.

CUT TO:

INT: TIM'S HOUSE.

Tim's face is getting RED.

TIM

Jack, give me a straight answer, now!

JACK

Alright. Eleven-thirty.

TIM

Weren't you scheduled for work this morning at eight?

JACK

Yeah.

TIM

Only a three-hour shift?

JACK

Yeah, but it's my last three-hour shift.

TIM

Your last three-hour shift or your last shift?

Jack stares at his brother like a thief who's been caught red- handed.

JACK

Ohhh, my kidney!

Jack clutches the right side of his gut like he is pain. Tim shakes his head as he boils over with frustration and anger.

CUT TO:

INT: TOYOTA CAMRY.

The 2-liter bottle is completely bloated. The pizza dough inside is oily and bubbling as if it were carbonated. The bottle quivers.

CUT TO:

INT: TIM'S HOUSE.

Jack still clutches his kidney.

TIM

Give it a rest, Jack! Your kidney is perfectly fine since the operation. Right now, I am furious with you! You are 22 and have had over a dozen different jobs in the last year. You don't have a car. In fact, you own nothing. YOU NEED TO LEARN TO GROW UP AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY! I feel I have no other choice but to light a flame under your ass and tell you that you have two days to make rent or you have to get OUT!

Jack quits faking the pain.

JACK

Two days or I am OUT? Dude, give me just a small extension and I will make it up to you.

TIM

No, definitely not another extension. Two days, Jack! I want the rent on time, for once. And get off my new couch with your dirty shorts, please!

As Jack stands up, handfuls of sand pour off his chest and lap onto the corduroy couch. He attempts to dust off the sand only to accidentally squeeze the contents of the grocery bag all over the couch. Ice and water splash onto the cushions. Jack takes off his shirt and tries to wipe it all off, only to smear it all into the rivets of the corduroy.

Tim explodes with rage and slaps his forehead.

TIM

DAMMIT, JACK!

CUT TO:

INT: TOYOTA CAMRY.

The 2-liter bottle of pizza dough perspires. Suddenly, the bottle EXPLODES. Plastic shrapnel and mounds of cooked and raw pizza dough blanket the interior of the car.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

INT: TIM'S HOUSE. BEDROOM.

Tim sits at his desk mumbling to himself.

TIM

Kutter. Kills mosquitoes. Prevents West Nile Virus. Contains Diethyl-meta-toluamide. Come on brain, think!

Tim opens a drawer and pulls out a high school yearbook.

TIM

Mr. Last-minute, what happened to you?

He flips a few pages.

INSERT: YEARBOOK PHOTO

A picture of himself running down a basketball court for a layup.

INSERT: CAPTION

"In the clutch, Tim Hoffleday sinks the winning shot!"

BACK TO SCENE

Tim thinks quietly to himself until the phone RINGS.

CUT TO:

INT: LIVING ROOM.

Jack sits on the couch watching television. He is on the edge of his seat. A couple of empty VHS tape cases lie on the table.

INSERT: TAPE COVERS

WRESTLEFEST 2 and ROWDY RODDIE PIPER'S ROWDIEST MOMENTS.

BACK TO SCENE

The telephone RINGS, again.

TIM

(0.C.)

Jack, will you get that.

Jack answers the phone.

JACK

This is Tim Hoffleday.

DELORES

(V.0.)

Hello, Jack.

JACK

Hey, Mom. How did you know it was me?

DELORES

Motherly instinct. I get it from Grandma. Don't ever try to pull one on her, she's even quicker than me!

JACK

Great, I will remember that. How is everything?

DELORES

Wonderful. I am calling to see how your brother's pitch with the Kutter people went, today.

JACK

Oh, I am sure it went great. Tim is a success at everything, remember?

DELORES

Well, good. How was your day, Jack?

JACK

It sucked, like usual. I got fired, punched in the eye, and Tim is kicking me out 'cause I don't have rent.

DELORES

Where is all your money?

JACK

I spent it on two new wrestling tapes I bought yesterday. And the rest on some pina coladas at the beach on Wednesday or maybe it was Tuesday? I don't remember. The days just kind of bleed together sometimes. Let's face it, Mom. I have two days to score 250 bucks. I think I am going to go whore myself out on Fourth Street. There are plenty of women that would pay for this!

Jack sucks in his gut and flexes his flabby arm.

DELORES

That's horrible! Don't say that! Listen, maybe you can help your Grandma out this weekend on her garage sale? She would probably give you a small cut. She has a lot of stuff to sell and she is too old and tired to manage it all on her own. She could use you, Jack.

JACK

Spend the day with Grandma?

Jack SIGHS

JACK

Fine. But she can't preach to me and she has to make me lunch.

DELORES

I am sure she will be excited to hear she will be getting some help. Just be there at seven 'o' clock tomorrow morning. OK, I have to go, Jack. It is Bingo night!

JACK

OK, thanks for looking out, Mom. Have fun and don't get TOO crazy! Wait, have I told you the name for my band, yet?

DELORES

Band? I didn't even know you were in a band.

JACK

Tentatively speaking, I am. Anyways, I have done some deep meditating and I think we are going to call ourselves, "Highway Petroleum Jelly." You get it? Like Highway Patrol mixed with petroleum jelly. It is genius, Mom!

DELORES

It is...clever. Give my love to Tim.

Jack hangs up the phone and rebounds off the couch into Tim's room.

CUT TO:

INT: BEDROOM

Tim chews on a pencil while flipping through his yearbook. Jack stumbles in.

JACK

Hey, wanna watch the end of this tape with me? It is "Rowdy Roddie Piper's Rowdiest Moments!"

TIM

No, I am working on something. Shouldn't you be packing or trying to sell your stuff?

JACK

Not funny!

Jack leaves.

CUT TO:

INT: LIVING ROOM.

Jack sprawls out on the couch and yawns.

JACK

Yeah, baby. Rowdy Roddie Piper is tough so you don't have to be!

TIM

(0.C.)

Keep it down out there!

He watches his wrestling movie and slowly nods off.

INSERT: TELEVISION

Rowdy Roddie Piper puts Jimmie "Supahfly" Snuka in a sleeper hold submission move. The referee raises Snuka's arm and lets it drop back down. The referee jumps up and calls for the bell. DING! DING! DING! The bell rings as Piper wins it. Snuka falls to the wrestling mat out cold.

BACK TO SCENE

Jack is out cold on the couch.

CUT TO:

INT: NEXT MORNING.

The television is still on but the screen is blank. The phone RINGS a few times, but Jack is fast asleep on the couch.

TIM

(0.C.)

Jack, pick up the phone. It is Grandma.

Jack picks up the television remote and puts it to his ear.

JACK

Hey, Grandma. (Pause) Grandma?

He drops the remote and grabs the phone.

JACK

Hey, Grandma.

GRANDMA

Good morning, Jack. What time this morning do you think you will be coming by to help me out?

JACK

I told Mom about seven.

GRANDMA

Oh, well it is seven-thirty now.

JACK

Oh, shit!

Jack hops up and rubs his eyes.

JACK

I mean, shoot! I am on my way Grandma!

Jack pulls on his shoes. He KNOCKS on Tim's bedroom door and then peeks in.

CUT TO:

INT: BEDROOM.

Tim is asleep in his bed. An old shoebox is open and tipped over on the floor. High school photographs and memorabilia are scattered around the shoebox.

JACK

Tim, can I borrow your bike.

Tim throws up his arm and nods his head without waking up.

JACK

I will take that as a yes!

CUT TO:

EXT: NEIGHBORHOOD.

Jack rides the ten-speed like a total maniac through the streets and across front lawns. He hops over curbs and kicks over trash cans.

CUT TO:

EXT: MAY'S HOUSE.

Jack screeches up the driveway and skids through the slick grass. He smells his own breath and then his armpits, shrugs, and disappears into the house.

CUT TO:

INT: MAY'S HOUSE.

Jack's grandma, MAY, puts some old records in a box. Jack sneaks up on her and kisses her on the cheek.

JACK

I made it.

MAY

Thank you so much, Jack. Follow me out to the garage.

Jack follows her to the garage.

CUT TO:

INT: GARAGE.

Jack stands with an enormous frown on his face. Cardboard boxes are piled to the ceiling on top of antique desks, chairs, and other miscellaneous furniture.

MAY

I have a lot of stuff, as you can see. I will give you one-fourth of whatever we make and I will make you lunch.

JACK

Howabout a third of whatever we make and I will let you tell me one of your bible stories?

She smiles.

MAY

You're a tough bargain, just like I used to be. Everything is tagged with a small sticker that has the price on it. Just move everything out onto the driveway and I will go put the signs out. People should be arriving instantly.

Jack smells a rusted aluminum coffee can.

MAY

Don't budge more than a few dollars on the furniture and above all things, DO NOT sell anything from off this shelf.

May points to a massive wooden bookshelf full of books and trinkets. One shelf contains a beautiful wooden chest. The chest is white and very antique.

JACK

Not a problem, Grandma. Go drop those lures and let's catch us some fishies!

CUT TO:

EXT: DRIVEWAY.

Jack carries out the last thing, an old record player, and puts it on a table. A few cars start pulling up. People scurry up the driveway and pick through the boxes of stuff.

JACK

Good morning.

An old Chinese woman ignores him. Grandma pulls up and hobbles out of her car.

MAY

I will help for about an hour or so, but no longer. I cannot stand on my feet for very long.

JACK

No problem, Grandma. You can count on me to sell all this shit...STUFF! Sell all this STUFF!

CUT TO:

INT: THE MEADOW'S HOUSE.

Twenty-one year old ASHLEY MEADOW sleeps in her bed as her alarm BUZZES.

INSERT: ALARM CLOCK

9:12

BACK TO SCENE

BRITNEY

(O.C.)

Ashley, get up! Your stupid alarm clock has been going off for like ten minutes!

Ashley rolls over and SMACKS it.

ASHLEY

Ugh, I don't want to go to work today.

She flips off the covers and staggers to the bathroom.

CUT TO:

INT: BATHROOM.

Ashley looks in the mirror to see her own saggy, colorless face freckled with zits.

Her bathroom vanity is covered in numerous Mary-Cay cosmetic lotions, make-ups, and moisturizers.

ASHLEY

(lackluster)

Mary-Cay beautician, pledge number one: Nobody else can see the beauty in themselves unless they see the beauty in me! Pledge number two: E.C.M.M. Exfoliate, cleanse, moisturize, and make yourself beautiful! Pledge number three: Sell yourself to...

Britney barges in.

BRITNEY

(interrupting)

Cut it out with that goody-goody, by-the-book crap and just give up already. You've been trying for weeks to outsell me and it'll never happen. You will never sell fifteen hundred by tonight's meeting. Hey, can I borrow a little bit of your kiwi-avocado moisturizer?

Britney grabs it off the vanity and disappears.

Ashley scowls.

CUT TO:

EXT: DRIVEWAY.

Jack sleeps in a chair as May attempts to keep up with the barrage of people picking through her belongings. She SIGHS.

MAY

Jack. Jack!

Jack wakes up.

JACK

Huh? Yeah, sorry, I just dozed off for a minute.

MAY

My feet are tired. I am going in for a while.

JACK

What? We've only been going for like ten minutes.

MAY

No, honey. You were asleep for an hour. I am going inside, now.

JACK

An hour? Really? Wow.

Jack stretches and strolls around the driveway.

MAY

Can you grab these last few boxes and put them out before I go in? It is just some old rock and roll albums.

JACK

Absolutely.

He grabs one of the boxes and sets it next to the record player. Jack's face glows with joy as he flips through the records.

JACK

Whoa! These are classics! The Rolling Stones. Johnny Cash. Billy Joel! Grandma, were these yours?

May doesn't hear him as she goes inside.

An OLD LADY taps on Jack's shoulder.

OLD LADY

Excuse me, young man. How much for this gravy boat?

JACK

A dolla...0h wait, that isn't just any gravy boat! That is the very gravy boat that sat on the table of the King.

OLD LADY

Oh my, what king?

Jack plucks an Elvis Presley album from the box of records and puts it in the Old Lady's face.

JACK

What king? Why, THE KING, Elvis Presley! It will be three dollars, please.

She hands him the money and leaves.

Jack notices a man looking at a set of golf clubs. He strolls up next to him.

JACK

My grandfather never missed a par at the PGA with those clubs!

The MAN turns around.

MAN

Really? Who was your grandfather?

JACK

Uh, only Jack Nicholson!

MAN

You mean, Jack Nicklaus?

JACK

Yep, him, and it will be forty dollars for those beauties, sir.

The man flips Jack two twenty-dollar bills.

A very OLD MAN approaches Jack with a camera in his hand.

Meanwhile, a yellow Volkswagon Beetle pulls up to the curb. The door has a magnetic sign on the side.

INSERT: SIGN

Mary-Cay Beautician: Ashley Meadows

BACK TO SCENE

OLD MAN

My boy, how much for this old camera?

JACK

That isn't just any camera. That camera was...

OLD MAN

(interrupting)

I will give you a quarter.

JACK

Hello! That is the very camera that took the picture of Muhammad Ali standing over Sonny Liston. Eight dollars for that piece of history.

The Old Man puts it down. Jack sees a young lady in the garage looking around.

JACK

Excuse me, ma'am. Nothing in here is for sale. Everything we are selling is in the driveway.

The lady pulls the wooden chest off the bookshelf and turns around. It is Ashley Meadows. Her face is colorfully painted with heavy amounts of make-up.

ASHLEY

How much for this?

JACK

Not for sale, sorry.

Ashley digs through her purse and pulls out five dollars. She waves it in front of his face.

JACK

Nope.

The Old Man taps jack on the shoulder. Jack turns around to see him holding a toaster in one hand and some garments in the other.

OLD MAN

How much for this toaster?

JACK

Mister, that appliance is a fine-tuned instrument of toasting perfection. I couldn't see letting it go for less than four dollars.

OLD MAN

I will give you a quarter.

JACK

A quarter? What century are you from, man?

Jack looks over the old man's shoulder. Six other people are rummaging through the boxes. Jack begins to feel rushed.

OLD MAN

Good, it is a deal. And how much for these?

The Old Man holds up two old-lady braziers. Jack SHRIEKS.

JACK

Ewwww, gross. A quarter!

Ashley opens the chest and peeks inside.

ASHLEY

(quietly)

Wow!

She closes it, tucks it under her arm, and pulls three twenties from her purse.

ASHLEY

I have to have this! Sixty dollars!

JACK

Have what? Whoa, sixty bones! Deal!

Jack snags the money and jams it into his pocket. She trots to her car in a hurry like she just stole something. Jack reads the magnetic sign on the door as she speeds away.

JACK

Mary-Cay Beautician, Ashley Meadows. SUCKER!

Jack puts a record in an old record player. He puts the needle into position and drops it. "Jumpin' Jack Flash," by The Rolling Stones, blares from the speakers of the ancient record player.

BEGIN MUSICAL MONTAGE: Jack selling worthless junk to people.

Jack spreads his arms far apart motioning to the size of a large fish as he nods his head at an old black man. The man has a big smile as he gazes at a fishing pole in his hands.

Jack aims a bee-bee gun up at a tree and then shows it to a little boy. He quickly looks around to make sure nobody is watching and points at the piggy bank under the kid's arm. The kid takes the bee-bee gun and hands over his piggy bank. The little boy aims the gun at Jack. Jack pushes the barrel of the gun away and shakes his finger at the kid.

Jack removes a dainty little cheese knife from a purple velvet box and pretends to throw it. He then acts as if it got lodged into his neck. He clutches his throat and motions as if blood is spraying everywhere. Two dangerous looking teenagers wearing gang-member apparel nod with excitement.

Jack reveals some of the features of an oversized microwave oven

to a lady with a tiny dog. He jokingly puts the dog in the oven, closes the door, and taps a few buttons. The woman smashes him in the head with her purse and retrieves her dog.

Jack shows a recliner sofa to a gay couple. He bends over the chair to pull a handle to activate the recliner. When he pulls the handle a metal spring pops out of the bottom of the chair. Suddenly, the recliner jerks open. Jack lurches forward and gets stuck in the chair with his butt propped up in the air. The two gay men nod and smile with approval as they stare at Jack's rear end.

END MUSICAL MONTAGE:

The music skips and cuts short because Jack is putting the record player in the back of a station wagon.

CUT TO:

INT: MAY'S HOUSE.

Jack sits at the table cramming a sandwich into his face. May refills his lemonade.

MAY

I forgot to tell you that your mother is on her way to pick up a few things for the big reunion on Tuesday.

JACK

Cool, maybe I can bum a ride off her. Whoa, the reunion is on Tuesday?

MAY

Yes. So what is our grand total today? I notice you sold almost everything!

JACK

Yeah, I did some suggestive selling. I haven't counted the loot yet. I kind of lost count after like four hundred.

Jack shoves the remainder of the sandwich into his mouth and removes the wad of cash from the coffee can on the table. He dumps the can over and spills change everywhere.

CUT TO:

INT: THE MEADOW'S HOUSE.

Britney dumps her purse out on her bed. Different little bottles of nail polish, lotion, and make-up scatter everywhere. She has

a map of Paris, France opened up on the floor.

Her gaudy, pink cell phone RINGS to the tune of "Material Girl"

by Madonna. She answers it.

BRITNEY

Speak.

ASHLEY

(V.0.)

Brit, you won't believe what I just bought!

BRITNEY

I don't know, maybe a life?

ASHLEY

Maybe I won't tell you, you brat. And I will give it to my Dad on his birthday exclusively from me.

BRITNEY

What is it? Tell me!

ASHLEY

I was on my way to do a make-over this morning and I stopped off at a garage sale. And for sixty dollars, I tricked this loser into selling me a beautiful, white, leather bound bible. It was in this antique chest. Dad, I mean, MY Dad, will totally love it!

BRITNEY

What gave you the idea that he wanted a new bible?

ASHLEY

I listen to him, instead of thinking about myself all day like someone else I know. He keeps complaining about his bible falling apart. And besides, this one is a spitting image of his old bible with beautiful gold pages and...

BRITNEY

Whatever. Just leave it on the front seat and I will take a look at it when I pick up the car later.

ASHLEY

Looking only! Don't touch it or you'll taint its purity you transgressor. Where are you going tonight?

BRITNEY

I won't touch your dumb bible. Me and the girls are going to Ybor city, like usual. We'll probably end up at Club Maxim. And no, you cannot go. It is MY celebration for winning the make-up sales contest. Hey, guess what I am doing right now?

ASHLEY

Taking a handful of weight-loss pills?

BRITNEY

No, you jealous cow. I am packing my stuff for my wonderful trip to Paris!

Ashley hangs up on her stepsister.

CUT TO:

INT: MAY'S HOUSE.

Jack stares at the stacks of money before him.

JACK

Grandma, we cleaned up. So, what is one-third of six hundred and three dollars and eighty-eight cents?

MAY

I am not sure, but I know that one-fourth of that would be about...one hundred and fifty one dollars and twenty- two cents.

DELORES

(0.C.)

Your grandma is still sharp as a tack!

They both turn to see Jack's mom, DELORES, tiptoe in through the front door.

JACK

Hey, Mom.

He gives her a hug and then gives one to May.

JACK

And thank you, Grandma, for helping me make a few extra bucks. Now, if you girls don't mind, I am going to make sure the toilet is working properly.

Jack disappears into the bathroom. Delores hugs her mother.

DELORES

You did really well this morning.

MAY

It was, actually, all Jack. The boy can amaze me, sometimes, and other times he just plain baffles me. He can be so creative and clever, or so thoughtless and mischievous. Are you sure he has the same father as Tim?

Delores smiles.

DELORES

I know, Mom. He's been like that since his freshman year of high school.

They both sit down at the table.

DELORES

So, Tuesday is the big day. Have you decided to which daughter you will be handing the chest down to?

MAY

No. There are so many granddaughters, and great- granddaughters, and then there is you and your sisters. I love everyone, and I don't want it to turn into a "playing favorites" contest. It is unfair to choose only one of the girls. But, as tradition has it, I have to choose the one lady in our family that will look after our heritage and ensure the family relic last another fifty years.

DELORES

I am sure you will make the right decision, Mom. Where is it so I can clean it up and get it ready for the reunion? Kathy's daughters have never seen it, and they are all flying in from Phoenix to be with us. It will be a special occasion for everyone. We haven't had a reunion like this in years!

May SIGHS.

MAY

Yes, yes. Follow me. It is in the garage. I haven't moved it from the shelf since your father put it there ten years ago. God bless him.

They both file into the garage.

CUT TO:

INT: GARAGE.

May and Delores rummage through the shelf and turn over some empty boxes.

MAY

Oh my, it was on the shelf just a few hours ago. I wonder where it might be.

Jack staggers into the garage while drying his hands on his shirt.

DELORES

Maybe Jack moved it?

MAY

The white chest. You know, the one with the family heirloom in it.

Jack swallows a big gulp of air and remains quiet for a moment.

MAY

Where'd you move it to, Jack?

JACK

It is, um...

Jack looks around. He stares at Tim's bicycle for a moment.

JACK

I am so stupid, how could I have not told you? Tim dropped by earlier and picked it up. Yeah, he said he was going to bring it over to you, Mom.

Jack nods his head with relief as if he just dodged a bullet.

DELORES

Oh, OK. I will just drop by there and pick it up.

JACK

NO! No, I will drop it off later to you, Mom.

MAY

Well, earlier, didn't you say you needed a ride home, Jack? Just have her drop you off and she can get the book from Tim.

JACK

I don't think Tim is home. He had some meeting or something this morning.

DELORES

On a Saturday? He usually enjoys his Saturdays sleeping in and taking Sammie to the park.

JACK

No, that Kutter account has him bending over backwards. I am doubtful he is at the park.

DELORES

Well, I will just call him. He always has his phone on him.

Delores digs into her purse and pulls out her phone. Jack panics and fakes a kidney pain.

JACK

Aaaaggh! Damn kidney!

He swats the phone out of his mother's hand as he twists and flops to the ground in pain. The phone flips through the air and smashes against the wall. Delores and May attend to Jack.

MAY

Jack, are you OK? Do you need me to call an ambulance?

JACK

No, it was just a quick stabbing pain. It is gone now.

DELORES

I was worried for a moment, honey. Are you sure you're OK?

JACK

Yeah, I am fine. Sorry about your phone, though.

They all glance down at the phone. It is busted open.

CUT TO:

EXT: PARK.

Tim casually strolls through the park while Sammie tries to drag him by his leash. There are families' picnicking, kids roller- skating, and ducks waddling in and out of the ponds. Tim stops to watch a mother and her child.

The mother sprays her young child down with a bottle of mosquito repellent. The woman speaks softly.

MOTHER

Here you go, baby, let's put some of this mosquito repellent on you.

MOTHER

Well, it is our way of telling all the buggies that want to bite you to BUZZ OFF!

The child swats at a bug that whizzes by.

CHILD

Buzz off!

Sammie yanks Tim from his gazing.

TIM

Hmmm, that might work. Tell mosquitoes to BUZZ OFF!

He keeps walking.

TIM

Gosh, it's close but still not right. Still not perfect.

JACK

(0.C.)

Tim! Tim!

Tim looks around to see who is calling his name. Jack screeches

up to Tim on his bicycle.

JACK

Hey, bro. We have to talk!

TIM

Jack, this really isn't good timing. I am trying to...

JACK

(interrupting)

Dude, I fucked up royally!

TIM

What did you do this time? Make a donut joke in front of a police officer? Please tell me you didn't get busted for Public urination, again? Is it so bad that you have to interrupt my park-time?

JACK

Yes! This is serious. I am talking excommunication from our family!

TIM

Go on.

JACK

I sold the chest.

Tim keeps walking with Sammie as Jack slowly rides behind.

TIM

The chest?

JACK

You know, the family heirloom, that little white box that gets passed down from the girls in our family every fifty years.

Tim stops and turns around.

TIM

You sold it? I want nothing to do with your scheme of getting it back.

JACK

Oh, I think we're past that.

TIM

Explain, please.

JACK

Listen, I just have to call this dumb, Mary-Cay makeup girl and get it back. I will refund her the sixty dollars. All I need from you is a ride over to her place and for you to tell a small white lie.

TIM

Jack, I really do not have time for this. My presentation bombed yesterday and I have only one chance to make it up to them. This is my first big account and I need it. It will put me on the map. It will get me out of the minor leagues and into the majors. Jack, I don't have time to help you out with another one of your blunders.

JACK

Tim, this will be the last time, ever, I swear! I will make it up to you somehow. All the women in our family have been looking forward to this dumb reunion. This book means more to them than I ever will. Tim, they will sacrifice me at the reunion if I don't get back the chest. They will put me on a spit and roast me. Tim, I am no good roasted. I am all fat!

Tim shakes his head.

TIM

No.

JACK

No?

TIM

No. I disagree with you, if you're all fat, then you're perfect for roasting.

Tim laughs and continues his stroll. Jack frowns.

TIM

But seriously... No.

JACK

No? OK. So, did that scar on your hand ever heal up?

TIM

Oh, not this again. You've milked this story dry of all its benefits!

JACK

One last time, Tim. Just one final ride on the memory express. Chooo! Chooo!

Jack makes train noises while tugging an imaginary chain above his head.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT: HIGHSCHOOL. HALLWAY. 1997.

There is nobody in the hallway except for a group of boys, including Jack and Jerry Tarmack. They stand outside of a janitor's closet between some lockers. Tarmack peeks his head into the closet.

CUT TO:

INT: JANITOR'S CLOSET.

Tim delicately balances himself on a stack of wooden crates and buckets. He gazes through a vent in the wall.

JERRY

Yo, Tim. Your time is up. It's my turn.

TIM

No way, dude. This was my discovery and I ain't moving until I get the first shot. Oh shit, Felicia Johnson is about to take off her top!

Jerry shakes his head and closes the door. Tim stands on his tippy-toes and pulls himself up to see better.

Suddenly, the boxes and buckets wobble beneath his weight and topple over.

TIM

SHIT!

Tim accidentally puts his arm through the vent as he avoids falling.

CUT TO:

INT: GIRL'S LOCKER-ROOM.

The girls casually change out of their gym clothing.

Suddenly, a vent high up on one of the walls, pops out. All the girls SCREAM and panic as they see the vent bounce off of a locker onto the floor and an arm reach through the hole where the vent was.

CUT TO:

INT: HALLWAY.

All the SCREAMING echoes off the walls and tile floors. Jerry tries to open the closet door but it is wedged closed.

TARMACK

Oh shit, it's stuck!

All the boys look at each other and run, except for Jack. He BANGS on the door.

JACK

Tim, open up!

The door swings open and Tim stumbles out. His left hand is bleeding profusely.

Within seconds, students pour out of the classrooms to see what the commotion is. Tim jams his bleeding hand into his pocket to hide it.

A few teachers, including the school principal, MR. JEFFRIES, come running down the hall. They all stare at Tim and Jack.

MR. JEFFRIES

What is going on here?

A group of girls run down the hallway behind their gym teacher, MRS. IVY.

MRS. IVY

I will tell you what's going on here! Those two perverts were spying on these girls in the locker-room.

MR. JEFFRIES

How is that possible?

Mrs. Ivy throws the twisted vent down at the feet of Tim and Jack.

MR. JEFFRIES

Tim Hoffleday, I want an explanation, now!

TIM

Well, you see...

JACK

I was in their standing on some boxes looking in the girls' locker-room. I told Tim about it and he came to stop me. I fell, knocked out the vent, and got stuck under some boxes. He pulled me from the rubble. That's it.

Mrs. Ivy barges past them into the closet.

MR. JEFFRIES

Good for you, Tim. You always seem to be their in the clutch when people need you most! Now, who are you, son?

Mrs. Ivy comes out of the closet with a bottle of lotion and a roll of toilet paper.

MRS. IVY

Explain this!

Jack throws Tim a dirty look. Tim blushes.

JACK

Uhhhh.

MR. JEFFRIES

What's your name, son?

JACK

Jack Hoffleday.

A few students in the crowd SNICKER.

MRS. IVY

You think that's funny you little pervert?

JACK

What? What's funny?

MRS. IVY

Jack off all day. That's real cute. What's your real name?

JACK

That is my real name.

A few of the students behind the principal silently motion with their hands as if they are masturbating. They point at Jack and laugh.

JACK

Shit.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT: PARK.

Tim stands with his shoulders slumped and his head hanging.

JACK

If anyone should be dubbed, Mr. Last Minute, it should be me for coming through and saving your reputation and image at the expense my own.

TIM

I don't get it, Jack. Are you jealous? Are you angry with me?

JACK

No. I am CURSED. The decision I made that day to stick up for you was the stupidest thing I have ever done.

TIM

Are you sure about that? What about when you were seven and you ate those seamonkeys and you thought they were all swimming around inside you. You were pretty flipped out then.

JACK

No, this was the stupidest. Seriously, Tim, I became the butt of every puberty and masturbation joke imaginable. No girl would date me, no club wanted me, and nobody even wanted to be associated with me. Three years of being called a LOSER and treated like a LOSER will make you become a LOSER!

TIM

Jack, you're not a loser. You just...

Tim scratches his head.

TIM

(continuing)

You just need to let go of your past if it is cursing you so much. What you did for me that day was something I could never repay you for in words or favors. And I am sorry if your life has been nothing but a downward spiral since then, but it isn't too late to begin again. Any idea where?

After a few seconds go by Jack throws up his hands.

JACK

I give up.

TIM

You need to start by being honest. Honest with yourself, and with everyone else. No more lying. No more just getting by. No more scheming. No more manipulating.

JACK

Sounds like another job.

TIM

Yeah, it will be, and probably the hardest one ever. But I assure you that it will be worth it. Jack, you can be so clever, quick, and imaginative, yet you do nothing useful with it. Just push yourself to tell the truth and be sincere. I think you will be surprised how much further it will get you than your sly craftiness. I will meet you at home after I finish my stroll with Sammie and we'll go get the chest back. OK?

JACK

Hell yeah! Thanks, Tim! Do you mind if I start this whole "honesty" trip after I get the chest back?

TIM

Sure, I guess living a lie just one more day couldn't hurt, right?

Jack gives Tim a big bear hug and speeds off on the bicycle.

CUT TO:

INT: TIM'S HOUSE.

Jack sits at the kitchen table flipping through the phone book. He picks up the phone and dials some numbers. After a few rings, a voice answers on the other end.

CALLER #1

(V.0.)

Hello?

JACK

Howdy. I am looking for a young lady named Ashley Meadows. Does she live at this residence?

CALLER #1

No, wrong number. Sorry.

Jack hangs up and slides his finger down to the second of the thirty names on the page.

Jack dials again.

CUT TO:

INT: MEADOW'S HOUSE.

REVEREND WENDALL MEADOWS sits at his desk doing paperwork. A crucifix dangles around his neck. He delicately signs his name on the dotted line of a form.

INSERT: FORM

Reverand Wendall Meadows

BACK TO SCENE

Britney strolls in and sits down.

BRITNEY

Hey, Daddy. Tonight I am going to the Mary-Cay Beautician meeting. And then I am going out with a few of the girls to eat and see a late movie. I will be home at about 2 or 3.

WENDALL

OK, my little angel. Your mother and I are going down to the church tonight, for a little while, to help prepare for the garage sale this weekend. Maybe we can meet you for dinner?

BRITNEY

Uhhhh, well, I don't know. We still haven't decided where we're eating. We might grab fast food if out movie starts sooner than we think.

WENDALL

No problem. I thought that maybe, for once, we could spend a Saturday night with our little winner. But hey, enjoy your celebration.

He gives her a hug.

BRITNEY

Thanks, Daddy.

She takes a deep breath and feels her heartbeat as she hurries out of the room.

The Phone RINGS. Wendall reaches over and answers it.

WENDALL

This is the Reverend Wendall Meadows.

JACK

(V.0.)

Good afternoon, I am trying to reach...did you say "Reverend?"

WENDALL

Yes. Whom am I speaking with?

JACK

Well, REVEREND, this is...DOCTOR Hoffleday. I am trying to reach Ashley Meadows.

WENDALL

Well, Ashley is my daughter, Doctor. Might I ask what this is regarding?

JACK

I am just trying to get a hold of her. Do you know how else I might be able to contact her? My business with her is strictly confidential so I am really not at liberty to discuss it with anybody but her.

WENDALL

Well, I believe I reserve the right to know any information you might have for my daughter, as I am her primary caretaker.

JACK

Hmmmm (pause). I will be honest, Reverend, I never would have proceeded with my tests with her had I known her own dad was a practicing holy man.

WENDALL

What ever are you talking about? What tests? Is she OK?

JACK

She is very healthy. In fact, that is why she was chosen among our scientists here at the facility.

WENDALL

Scientists? Facility? Please give me all the facts, Doctor.

JACK

OK, but I ask that you refrain from speaking to her about this until...tomorrow.

WENDALL

Very well. Please proceed.

JACK

Please bear with me as I expound unto you what she has been helping us with. Ashley has been...

Father Meadows rubs the crucifix around his neck as he GASPS in horror.

CUT TO:

INT: TIM'S HOUSE.

Jack hangs up the phone and staggers into Tim's room.

CUT TO:

INT: BEDROOM.

Tim is drawing at his desk as Jack drops down on the bed.

JACK

Alright, I did some investigating and I found her home number in the phone book, and an address. I also found out that her father is a reverend, but he wouldn't cough up any other means for me to get a hold of her.

TIM

Great. So after all the women in our family kill you, you'll go to hell. Drop me a postcard!

JACK

Funny. What if I just wait outside her house for her? No, then I would just look like a stalker. Or what if I... no, that won't work either. I am missing something I know it.

TIM

Didn't you say she worked for a cosmetic company?

Jack quickly rebounds off the bed and dashes out of the room.

CUT TO:

INT: OFFICE.

Inside a cubicle sits JANICE HAROLD. Her makeup is on very heavy. She wears a headset and types on a keyboard. On her desk is a big colorful salad.

JANICE

And thank you for calling Mary-Cay Cosmetics. Have a nice day, ma'am.

She pokes a button on the phone and then shoves a fork full of leafy greens in to her mouth.

The telephone RINGS. Janice pokes the phone with her extra long painted fingernail.

JANICE

Thank you for calling Mary Cay Cosmetics, this is Janice. Are you interested in hearing about how you can receive some free avocado-kiwi moisturizer, today?

JACK

(V.0.)

Does it taste like avocado and kiwi?

JANICE

No, sir. None of our products are edible.

JACK

Not even safe to lick? Sometimes I like to lick my wife in wonderful places when she smells like a tropical fruit and vegetable medley. It's almost like she's bathed herself in V-8. I don't know what it is about us and vegetables because we are serious carnivores. She really loves it when I bring home a bag of cucumbers and...

JANICE

(interrupting)

OK, sir. Is there something I can help you with, today?

JACK

Yes, there is. I am trying to locate a certain one of your Cosmetic girls. She recently sold us some of your fine products and we would like to purchase more, but I have lost her number.

JANICE

Very well, what is her name?

JACK

Ashley Meadows.

Janice types on her computer.

JANICE

That's in Clearwater, Florida?

JACK

Yep.

JANICE

I have a home telephone number, if that will work?

JACK

What about a cell-phone number?

JANICE

No, sir. Just her home phone number. Oh wait, it does list here that there will be an open-door beautician meeting in her area this evening. It looks as if it is mandatory. You should be able to locate her there.

JACK

Open-door?

JANICE

Yes, that means it is for anyone who would like to attend. Anyone who is interested in becoming a beautician or getting a makeover or...

JACK

Golden. Might you have a time and place for me, Janice?

JANICE

Yes. Doors open at eight for visitors and it is located at the Clearwater School of Cosmetology in the Auxiliary room.

JACK

So will they have free samples for me and my wife to try out?

JANICE

Yes, sir.

JACK

Yummy. I am just going to have to be extra careful that I don't catch the sweet scent of anything papaya, mango, or potato. Because I might get a little hot and bothered and want to pull out my carrot.

JANICE

You're what?

JACK

My carrot. We labeled our special members after our favorite vegetables. Hers is like a ripe, pitted avocado on a warm summer...

JANICE

(interrupting)

Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?

JACK

No.

JANICE

Have a good day.

Janice hangs up the phone as she glares at the carrots and avocado in her salad. She pushes it into the trash.

CUT TO:

INT: JEEP.

Tim drives his Jeep Cherokee while Jack adjusts the passenger seat.

TIM

That's ridiculous. It is fake blood.

JACK

No, it isn't. They really bleed!

TIM

They can't. When Magic Johnson contracted HIV and decided to play basketball again, many of the other players came out and said they would not participate in any game with him for fear of him bleeding on them. So for you to think that they slice themselves open with a small razor blade is absurd.

JACK

Red is green, Tim! Blood sells tickets and makes money. One day I will prove to you that they really cut themselves. Somehow. Someway. Mark my words!

TIM

Jack, even you must realize that it is fake!

Jack says nothing.

TIM

It is just entertainment. Nothing more than a choreographed performance of grown men wearing colorful leotards and tight underwear while taking turns headlocking, suplexing, and dropkicking each other. All for an oversized gold belt buckle.

JACK

You have no appreciation for the art of professional wrestling. I am done with this conversation.

TIM

Fine with me.

Tim and Jack sit in complete silence for a couple minutes. Jack crosses his arms and pouts.

Suddenly, Jack bounces forward in his seat.

JACK

Stop! Watch out for the ducks!

CUT TO:

EXT: STREET.

The Jeep screeches to a stop. Two ducks waddle through the busy street. Jack hops out of the Jeep and helps the ducks across.

A driver, named HANK, stopped behind them in an old rusty pickup truck, yells at Jack.

HANK

Hey, you're holding up traffic asshole! Let's move.

JACK

Go on little duckies. There we go, back to the pond.

The ducks waddle down a hill into a pond. Jack redirects his attention to the driver.

JACK

Do you know what kind of birds those were?

Hank shakes his head like he doesn't care.

JACK

No? Well do you know what kind of bird this is?

Jack flips his middle finger off at Hank.

Hank climbs out of his truck to reveal that he is over six feet tall and built like a linebacker. He lifts Jack up off the ground by his collar.

CUT TO:

INT: JEEP.

TIM

Oh, shit.

Tim looks around for a moment and reaches into the back seat and grabs hold of a can of Kutter aerosol mosquito fogger. He slides out of the Jeep.

CUT TO:

EXT: STREET.

Other drivers are yelling and honking their horns at the delay of traffic. Tim sneaks up behind Hank.

HANK

You think you're real cute, huh? Why don't you mouth off to me now!

TIM

(0.C.)

Excuse me.

HANK

Fuck off, buddy, this doesn't concern you.

Tim shakes up the can of mosquito fogger while Hank chokes Jack.

TIM

Jack, can you breathe with him choking you?

Jack wildly TAPS out on Hank's shoulder while his tongue hangs out of his mouth and his eyes roll to the back of his head.

TIM

You must not watch the art of professional wrestling, because that means he gives up.

HANK

I said, FUCK OFF!

Tim takes a deep breath and sprays the can of fogger until the air is completely clouded. Hank drops Jack as he GASPS for fresh air. Tim grabs Jack and dashes to the Jeep while Hank staggers down the hill and tumbles into the pond.

CUT TO:

INT: JEEP.

Jack rubs his throat while Tim drives.

JACK

What happened to you back there? You became another person. In the blink of an eye you were like my knight in shining armor.

TIM

I couldn't bear watching that guy choke you out, especially since you still owe me rent.

Jack gives Tim a dirty look.

TIM

What was with you? All that compassion and concern for another being beside yourself? Jack, I didn't realize you had that kind of substance deep down. It was a side of you that was mildly agreeable.

JACK

Yeah, I guess I FLOOR MYSELF, sometimes.

A few seconds pass as Tim processes Jack's statement.

TIM  
(to himself)

FLOOR THEM! I can see it, now. A mosquito is lying belly up, and above him it says, "Floor them!"

JACK

Right.

TIM

You think it's right?

JACK

What? No, turn right.

TIM

Oh.

Tim steers the vehicle right, into a large parking lot. They pass a sign for the Cosmetology school.

INSERT: SIGN

Welcome to the Clearwater School of Cosmetology

CUT TO:

INT: AUXILIARY ROOM.

The doors are wide open and the room is crowded. Everything is Mary-Cay Cosmetics. Women sit in chairs and receive makeovers while others sit through a small lecture on becoming beauticians.

Ashley Meadows sits at a table with a vast array of makeup, moisturizers, and nail polish arranged before her.

Two other Mary-Cay beauticians gossip by the entrance.

BEAUTICIAN #1

Yeah, I heard she sold all 1500 dollars at one location. And not only that, but she is the youngest beautician we have right now! I can't wait to meet her later and congratulate her on her trip to Paris!

BEAUTICIAN #2

Well, she deserves a trip to Paris with that kind of commitment and talent. She is a great example for us all! But she hasn't won yet, there is still another hour until they announce her the winner.

BEAUTICIAN #1

Well, unless someone comes in here and purchases over 1500 dollars in products, she is the winner.

The two Beauticians walk off as Jack and Tim enter the room.

JACK

Oh man, who knew this place would be such a hot spot for chicks!

TIM

Let's find your girl and get this over with. Do you see her?

JACK

No, not yet. Let's walk around.

They stroll around for a few moments until Jack notices her.

JACK

Their she is. Wait here while I handle this.

Jack strolls up to the table where Ashley sits.

JACK

Hey there, how are you? Remember me?

ASHLEY

No.

JACK

Earlier today you came to my garage sale and bought something from me. Yeah, I read the side of your car door. It said, Ashley Meadows.

Ashley looks past him while ignoring his small talk.

JACK

So, you been doing this long?

ASHLEY

Yeah. You want to buy something or what?

JACK

Actually, I want to buy something back. You see, I sold you a small white chest earlier today at a garage sale and it had something extremely valuable inside of it. And I would like to refund you your money and request back my chest and its contents.

ASHLEY

No. Sorry.

JACK

Listen, I will give you back your money and I will even buy a bottle of this stuff.

Jack picks up a bottle of kiwi-avocado moisturizer.

ASHLEY

No. But the moisturizer will be seven fifty.

Jack fakes sincerity and honesty the best he can.

JACK

Listen, I REALLY need that chest back. It was an honest mistake and I ask that you please return it. It is a precious family heirloom.

ASHLEY

No. And if you aren't going to buy anything then please leave because you're blocking my display.

Jack stares at her.

JACK

I must not be hearing you, because it sounds like you keep saying "No," and that...

ASHLEY

(interrupting)

Fuck off, LOSER. You are not getting that chest back.

Jack stands completely stunned.

JACK

You swindled me out of...

ASHLEY

SECURITY! SECURITY!

A security officer approaches them from across the room.

JACK

Alright, there is no need for this. What do you want? I will give you anything to have that chest back. Do you want me for an evening of unbridled passion? Do you want money? Do you...

Ashley sits back in her chair and SIGHS while Jack rambles on.

Behind Jack, Britney enters the room. Dozens of women clap and cheer for her. Ashley notices and scowls.

ASHLEY

OK, can it. You want your book back?

Jack nods.

ASHLEY

OK, then you have to purchase 1550 dollars worth of products from me right now.

JACK

Are you fucking bankers? I don't have that kind of money on me.

ASHLEY

Well, here comes the security guard to throw your desperate ass out of here. Think faster.

The Security Guard steps up to the table.

GUARD

Is everything alright here? I thought I heard someone yelling.

Jack grinds his teeth.

JACK

Will you take a check?

Ashley smiles with victory.

CUT TO:

INT: AUXILIARY ROOM.

A crowd of women surround Britney as she tells a story.

BRITNEY

And then I looked her in the eye and told her she needed the pomegranite-almond facial scrub. But before she could reply I put a bottle of lavender-mint astringent in her hand. Her husband was breathless and all he could bare to do was sign the check as he ogled at my chest. She thanked me endlessly for helping her feel beautiful again. She later told me I might have saved her marriage!

All the women applaud and congratulate her. Britney bows and blows kisses.

Ashley strides towards Britney and barges through the crowd.

ASHLEY

Hey, Britney. Here are the keys to the car. Try to have fun in Ybor City tonight.

Britney sees her sister and rolls her eyes. She snatches the keys.

BRITNEY

Hey Ash, this is the winners circle, I believe the pity party is on the other side of the room.

ASHLEY

Hey, why don't you stop stroking your ego for a moment and look at this.

Ashley hands Britney a check. Britney looks at briefly and then does a double take. She gawks at the check.

BRITNEY

Fifteen hundred and sixty dollars! Doctor Tim Hoffleday. What is this, some kind of joke?

Ashley snatches the check back.

ASHLEY

No. This Doctor just purchased everything I had.

Ashley turns to walk away but spins back around.

ASHLEY

By the way, can I borrow your suitcase after you empty it?

Britney faints.

ASHLEY

Bon voyage!

CUT TO:

EXT: AUXILIARY ROOM.

Jack and Tim stand by the doors as people pour out of the building.

TIM

Why did you want me to give you a check for sixty bucks? Didn't you just make some money this morning from Grandma?

JACK

Yeah, but I left the money at her house.

TIM

So when do we get the book back?

JACK

Well, she said she would meet us out here at ten. She has it in the front seat of her car.

TIM

Good. I can be home by ten-thirty and hard at work on my Kutter account by eleven.

Britney barges out the doors sobbing. She climbs into Ashley's yellow Volkswagon Beetle and peels out of the parking lot. Jack watches the whole thing curiously.

JACK

Hmm, that's strange.

The two Beauticians exit the building and gossip as they walk by Tim and Jack.

BEAUTICIAN #1

That is amazing. Fifteen hundred and sixty dollars in one sale. And at the LAST MINUTE, too!

BEAUTICIAN #2

I know, isn't that exciting! And she said it was from a Doctor.

The Beauticians move on.

Ashley exits the building surrounded by women. They all shake her hand and congratulate her.

ASHLEY

Thank you, everyone, for your gratitude. I will take lots of pictures while I am in Paris and show you all when I get back.

They all break apart as Ashley walks to the parking lot. Jack and Tim follow.

JACK

Ashley. Hey, Ashley.

She turns and sees him.

ASHLEY

Oh yeah, you. Follow me.

She walks towards her sister's old, beat up Pinto. It has a magnetic sign on the side.

INSERT: SIGN

Mary-Cay Beautician: Britney Meadows

BACK TO SCENE

ASHLEY

Oh, darn. I made a mistake.

JACK

What do you mean?

ASHLEY

I don't have the book. My sister does. She borrowed my car and it is on the front seat. You'll just have to get later, sorry.

JACK

There is no later. I need it now. Where did your sister go?

ASHLEY

Listen, you don't want to bother her right now. She is extremely volatile! Call me on Friday when I get back from my trip and I will let you come get it.

JACK

Friday is no good. I need it now. Where'd she go?

ASHLEY

She went to Club Maxim in Ybor City to drink and dance away her problems, just like any teenage girl with big boobs and a little brain does. If you want it that bad, it's you funeral! Have fun. I have some packing to do.

TIM

That's it?

ASHLEY

Oh wow, the DOCTOR speaks! Yeah, that's it.

Ashley gets in the car and leaves.

TIM

Why'd she call me "the Doctor?"

JACK

I don't know, that's just weird, huh? So, off to Ybor we go?

TIM

We?

JACK

Yep. Come on, Tim. It won't hurt you to UNWIND for once. You work too much. You need to live a little.

TIM

Twice in a day's time. Am I really that uptight?

JACK

You've been an uptight weenie since your senior year. Do you mind if we drop by the house real quick so I can clean up?

INT: JEEP.

Tim drives on Interstate 275 to Ybor City. They pass a traffic sign.

INSERT: TRAFFIC SIGN

Next right: Ybor City, Historic District.

BACK TO SCENE

Jack wears a plaid kilt and continues to adjust the seat.

JACK

Thanks for dropping by the house really quick.

TIM

If you had told me it was so you could put on that ridiculous kilt I never would have wasted the time.

JACK

Hey, we are going to Ybor. I have to get a little dressed up. Besides, it wasn't all that much of a waste of time. Sammie could have relieved himself on your new couch.

Tim nods his head and agrees.

JACK

You know what? In the midst of all this excitement, today, I don't think I got a chance to tell you the name of my new band.

TIM

How unfortunate.

JACK

Dude, this is awesome. Me and the Bob brothers are...

TIM

(interrupting)

Any sentence that starts with "me and the Bob brothers" is like a double negative, Jack. It is bound NOT to make sense. Similar to a grown man wearing a skirt.

JACK

You finished? The name of our band is...

TIM

(interrupting)

Jack, you don't even own an instrument.

JACK

Hello, I'm the lead singer.

TIM

The lead singer? And what is the name of this band you will be singing for?

JACK

The Unortho-dachsunds. Get it? I took two words like unorthodox and dachsund and I combined them to...

TIM

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. Welcome to Ybor, Jack. You should fit right in!

CUT TO:

EXT: PARKING LOT.

Tim tries to maneuver the Jeep into a parking spot but a couple

of drunk college kids stand in the spot making-out. Tim HONKS  
the horn and flashes his brights. They stumble off.

CUT TO:

EXT: YBOR CITY.

It is six long blocks of clubs and bars on both sides of the street. It is like a miniature Mardi Gras. Tim and Jack push their way through crowds of partying pedestrians. Music blares from each nightclub as they walk by.

TIM

I hate Ybor. It's like one big party and the only people who were sent invitations were circus performers, amateur porn-stars, and methadone clinic escapees.

Jack does a different dance past each nightclub as each plays it's own style of music.

JACK

Woooooooo! I love Ybor City!

TIM

Let's get this chest and get home. I have stuff to do.

They head towards Club Maxim.

CUT TO:

EXT: CLUB MAXIM.

A line of people winds out the door. Tim and Jack get at the end of the line.

TIM

You stand in line while I go see if I can get us into the club. Tarmack's brother bounces at a couple of these places.

Jack nods to his brother, even though he is completely distracted by a tall, blond-haired woman standing before him in line. Her name is TONYA and she is in a plaid skirt and a white top. Jack intentionally bumps her.

JACK

Oops, pardon me, gorgeous.

The woman turns around to reveal that she is a transvestite.

Jack is oblivious.

JACK

Wow, you're like a really big Catholic schoolgirl. So, what's your name?

TONYA

Tonya. I like your skirt.

JACK

Thank you, but it is actually a kilt. Kind of like a skirt, but made for a man. I guess I can say that I am a man who's not afraid to be in touch with his feminine side.

TONYA

Me too.

Tonya winks at Jack. He blushes and produces a smile from ear to ear.

Tim strolls up to them.

TIM

Alright, it's a go. Follow me.

JACK

Tim, meet Tonya.

Tim notices her and practically GASPS in horror.

TIM

Eeeerrrgh, nice to meet you...Tonya.

He gives his brother a puzzled look. Jack returns the look with an excited smile.

TIM

We have to go. Now!

Jack waves to Tonya as Tim drags him away.

CUT TO:

INT: CLUB MAXIM.

Colored lights bathe the hundreds of people as they sway and dance to the music in the middle of the club. Pub tables and bar-stools separate the bar from the dance floor.

Nineteen-year-old JOEY BOON sits at one of the pub tables by himself. He guards four purses. Jack and Tim push by behind him.

TIM

How in the hell are we going to find her in here?

JACK

I don't... Their she is!

Jack points. Britney dances in ways that are provocative in order to tease and taunt the six men dancing around her. She periodically makes-out with every other guy.

TIM

Wow, that was quick.

JACK

Sure was. So what do we do now? Do I just go ask her?

TIM

I don't see why not. Maybe you'll also get a nice sloppy kiss and some puss filled zits around your mouth first thing tomorrow morning.

Jack shrugs and muscles his way onto the dance floor. He slowly works his way into the huddle of men around Britney. Just as soon as he starts dancing with her, the song changes and she staggers off the dance floor.

Joey blushes as soon as she sits down at the table with him.

Jack slides off the dance floor back to Tim.

JACK

Dude, I had her!

TIM

Look.

They both watch Britney.

She takes a long chug of Joey's bottled water. She mutters a few words to him and leans back to tease him with her cleavage. He fumbles through his pocket and gives her some money. She snatches the money from him and trots off to the bar.

JACK

We have to get her car keys out of her purse.

TIM

Which purse?

JACK

I will distract the nerd. You get the keys.

Jack strolls by Joey and bumps him. His glasses flip off his head and bounce onto the floor. He crawls around trying to find them. Jack sweeps them up. Joey looks up and squints his eyes really hard to focus on Jack.

With his blurred vision, he sees a thick figure in a plaid skirt and white shirt with shaggy hair.

Jack stands like a dainty female with his knees bent and his back arched.

JACK

(feminine)

Did you drop these, sweetheart?

Tim swipes the purses and makes for the bathroom.

Joey staggers to his feet and rubs his eyes. He squints and strains to see Jack as he desperately reaches out for his glasses. Jack drops them on the table and disappears into a crowd. Joey slides his glasses on and looks around.

JOEY

Where'd she go? She was more beautiful than an angel!

CUT TO:

INT: BATHROOM.

Tim leans against the wall in a bathroom stall. He rummages through one of the purses. Jack scurries in.

JACK

Tim?

Tim raises his arm up for Jack to see. Jack squeezes into the stall with him.

JACK

Wow, I think you are in deeper than you wanted, Tim. First, you fogged that guy with bug poison and then you stole four purses. Assault and petty theft all for me! Dude, you are the best brother a brother could have!

TIM

Yeah, pay me your share of the rent for once and we'll call it even.

JACK

That just cut me deep.

Tim continues to rummage through the purses.

TIM

Alright, I got some gum, lip stick, some more lipstick, a hair brush and...ewwww, something sticky on my fingers!

Tim wipes his hand on some toilet paper. Jack continues to dig in the purses.

JACK

Keys. We just need the keys.

Jack pulls three sets of keys from the four purses.

TIM

How do you know which set is the one you need?

Jack fondles a set of keys in his hand. It has a few different key chains. One of the key chains on the set is a yellow plastic replica of the Volkswagen insignia, V and W. Another key chain is a small acrylic picture with some writing.

INSERT: KEYCHAIN

Part time beauty queen, full time BITCH!

BACK TO SCENE

JACK

Trust me. These are them. Let's get these other ones back on the table.

TIM

Once again, my little brother decides to do something somewhat honest. The old you probably would have just thrown all those keys away.

JACK

It's still the old me you're talking with, dude. I have until tomorrow, remember?

Jack smiles as he repeatedly dips all the purses into the toilet like a handful of tea bags into an oversized porcelain coffee cup.

CUT TO:

INT: CLUB MAXIM.

Joey sits at the table daydreaming. Tim walks by and bumps into him. Once again, Joey's glasses pop off his head and slide onto the floor.

TIM

Sorry.

Jack drops the purses back onto the table and leaves the club with Tim. Joey claws at the ground trying to find his glasses. Someone helps him up and puts the glasses on his face for him.

Joey focuses his eyes to see Tonya.

Joey blushes as she winks at him.

JOEY

My Angel.

CUT TO:

EXT: STREET.

Tim and Jack push through the crowd once again.

TIM

That was beautiful, Jack. Sometimes I don't understand why you don't use that scheming, manipulative brain of yours to do something productive and meaningful.

JACK

You should talk. I feel like I have been hanging out with the old Tim all day. Mr. Last Minute, quick thinking, by the seam of his pants, Tim.

Tim stops for a moment and smiles to himself.

JACK

To the parking lot. Let's get the chest.

They make their way through the herds and swarms of partying people.

CUT TO:

EXT: YBOR CITY. STREET.

Frank leans against a streetlight smoking a cigarette. He has a giant, red bump on his head. Cindy and Vanessa stagger out of the nightclub behind him with Bobby. Bobby drinks a bottle of beer and offers some to Frank.

BOBBY

Hey Frank, want a swig?

Frank rubs the bump on his head as they all laugh.

Frank takes a drag from his cigarette and looks out at all the people. He notices Jack in the crowd.

He plucks the cigarette out of his mouth and flicks it. He grabs Bobby and points.

FRANK

Ain't that the fucker who done us dirty at the beach?

Bobby's face lights up.

BOBBY

Holy fuckin' hell. Let's get him!

Bobby barges into the crowd after Jack. Frank turns around to the girls.

FRANK

Let's go, girls. Bobby has a fish to fry!

The girls nod in a drunken stupor and follow Frank into the crowd.

CUT TO:

INT: MEADOW'S HOUSE.

Reverend Wendall Meadows sits on the couch with his wife, SUSAN. They hold each other.

Ashley comes in the front door. Her arms are full of stuff, including her purse, bookbag, and the check from Jack.

ASHLEY

Oh, I am so glad to be home. Is Britney home yet because...

She sets most of her stuff on the table to notice her parents in a distressed mood.

ASHLEY

Hey, what's the matter?

WENDALL

Ashley, your step-mother and I would like some answers.

ASHLEY

About what?

WENDALL

About a certain DOCTOR Hoffleday and the arrangement you have with him.

ASHLEY

Wow, you already know? Isn't it exciting! Britney must have told you the great news then. I thought that maybe she would be too upset to want to talk about it.

WENDALL

Exciting? Do you think that this is some kind of game?

ASHLEY

No. It was more of a contest.

WENDALL

A contest?

ASHLEY

Yeah. I wanted that trip to Paris so bad I was willing to do almost anything to get it and I did! I sold all my...

WENDALL

That's enough! No more of this!

ASHLEY

Enough of what? I don't understand what's wrong?

WENDALL

WHAT'S WRONG? Selling your soul and lying to us about it for so long! That's what you did wrong, young lady.

ASHLEY

What? I don't understand? All I did was sell this Doctor a bunch of...

WENDALL

Enough! I am disgusted with you! How can you live with yourself? What you have been doing is a crime in the eyes of me and the entire church and the Lord! Those eggs your body produces are for you and your future husband. How dare you sell life and let those evil doctors and scientists harvest your eggs! It is...

ASHLEY

What? Where did you hear this?

WENDALL

You come clean, young lady. don't think you can hide and lie anymore. The Doctor has already told me everything

ASHLEY

The Doctor? (pause) The Doctor!

Ashley looks at the check in her hand and reads it more carefully.

INSERT: CHECK

DOCTOR Tim Hoffleday

BACK TO SCENE

WENDALL

What is that? Is that a check from him?

He snatches the check out of her hand. As he reads it, he boils over with rage.

WENDALL

Fifteen hundred and sixty dollars. Is that what your soul is worth?

His eyes bug out of his head as he reads some more writing on the check.

WENDALL

THANKS FOR THE EGGS!

His face turns beat red as he tears the check into confetti and throws it up in the air.

CUT TO:

EXT: STREET.

Confetti falls down from the balconies above onto Jack, Tim and the crowd around them. A beer bottle whizzes past Jack's head. It hits a light post and shatters. People SCREAM, duck, and run.

Jack turns to see Frank, Bobby and the girls hot on his tail.

JACK

Oh shit! Tim, Tim!

TIM

That is one of the reasons why I hate Ybor. It is full of lunatics throwing bottles.

JACK

I have an emergency, Tim.

TIM

Relax, the "Doctor" is here! What did she mean by that anyways?

JACK

Remember how I told you about those guys I pissed off at the beach?

TIM

Be a little more specific. You manage to piss off everyone, without exception.

Another bottle hurdles by Jack's head.

TIM

I think that guy was aiming right for you, Jack!

JACK

Well, he probably has good reason too. It is going to be a good idea for us to split up. You get the chest and I will meet you by the car after I shake these guys.

TIM

You know what, I don't want to know. Just be at the car. Go!

They split up. Tim stops after about twenty feet to yell at his brother.

TIM

What kind of car am I looking for?

Jack looks at Tim and gives him two thumbs up. Tim shakes his head and keeps moving.

Bobby and his gang continue to pursue Jack. Jack squeezes into a club without a line of people waiting to get in. It is called, The Afterglow. A poster outside the club advertises the evening entertainment.

INSERT: POSTER

Lesbian Coleslaw Wrestling, Tonight! No cover charge.

CUT TO:

INT: THE AFTERGLOW.

A hundred people stand around an inflated swimming pool full of coleslaw. Two pretty females in bikinis stand in the middle of the pool with the referee and disc jockey, DJ ASSMASTER.

DJ AssMaster gets the crowd hyped up for the event.

DJ

That's right, people! Who is ready to tangle with these two hot bitches?

Everyone laughs and cheers.

DJ

This is DJ AssMaster coming at you all tonight at Ybor's hottest nightclub, The Afterglow! We are looking for a special gentleman this evening who can handle this extreme level of excitement. A gentleman who probably will never have the chance to get wet and sloppy with two beautiful women at once in his entire sorry ass life!

People laugh and clap some more.

Jack enters the club and pushes through the crowd. He pays attention only to who might be following him.

DJ

I need a volunteer! Who out their has the balls to walk out of here empty handed with an ass full of coleslaw OR, win a free bar tab for the remainder of the evening for him and his friends! Not that anyone will want to hang with his stank ass anyways 'cause he will be reeking like spoiled coleslaw! Now that I have made it clear, do I have a volunteer?

Bobby and his gang barge into the club. Jack sees them and shoves himself further into the crowd to escape. He steps on some big guy's foot. The guy curses at Jack and shoves him. Jack topples over the edge of the pool and into the coleslaw.

Everyone cheers and applauds.

DJ

Yeah, baby! We got our first victim. Let's get it on!

The two girls approach Jack.

DJ

Wait, wait, wait! I forgot to tell you all that this first match is only a warm-up. And our bikini-clad lesbians are far too hot for a warm-up. So, to help our first victim warm-up, let's bring in the warm-up lesbians!

The people in the crowd separate as a spotlight pans over them. The light stops at the edge of the crowd down onto two, giant, manly lesbians in cut-off denim shorts and flannels.

They stride towards the pool and climb in. Jack staggers to his feet only to be picked up by one of the women and bodyslammed.

QUICKLY CUT TO:

INT: CRAZY HARRY'S SPORTSCLUB.

ROWDY RODDIE PIPER bodyslams an unknown wrestler onto the wrestling mat. While wearing his infamous signature kilt, he steps on the other wrestler's chest and flexes. The crowd cheers and applauds for him.

The Bob-brothers are in the front row going crazy for Piper. A kid beside them holds a home-made poster.

INSERT: POSTER

"He's tough so you don't have to be!"

BACK TO SCENE

JOE-BOB

Get him, Piper!

JIM-BOB

I wish Jack could be here.

A VENDOR walks down the aisle with a tray full of snacks.

VENDOR

Popcorn! Peanuts!

QUICKLY CUT TO:

INT: THE AFTERGLOW.

FRANK

Coleslaw!

Frank, Bobby and the girls watch the coleslaw wrestling. They are unaware that it is Jack getting beat up by the lesbians.

FRANK

Who'd want to wrestle in coleslaw?

BOBBY

Nevermind that. Let's find that ass-clown!

They inch their way through the crowd looking for Jack. Frank

still stares at the wrestling.

FRANK

Hey, I think that's him! That clever sonofa

QUICKLY CUT TO:

EXT: INTERSTATE 275.

BEEEEEEEEP! Ashley slams on the horn of the rusty old Pinto. She leans out the window.

ASHLEY

Get out of my way! I have a Doctor to kill!

She madly weaves in and out of traffic. She passes a sign.

INSERT: SIGN

Next Right: Ybor City, Historic District:

BACK TO SCENE

Traffic is at a dead stop as she speeds down the off-ramp. Her cellular phone RINGS. She digs it out of her purse.

ASHLEY

I told you I didn't do it, Susan!

SUSAN

(V.O.)

Ashley, honey, please come home. Your father overreacted and he is sorry. You don't need to go storming off like this.

ASHLEY

You don't understand! We've both been tricked and lied to by this "Doctor".

SUSAN

Even if we have been lied to, where could you be running off to at this moment that could right this situation? You should be at home with your family. I will call Britney and we will spend the rest of the night together as a family, OK?

ASHLEY

You're not my family and neither is Britney. Things were fine until you two came into our lives!

SUSAN

Ashley, now you're being impulsive and overreacting.

Ashley closes the phone and throws it at the floor. Traffic is still at a stop. She drives onto the shoulder of the road and passes everyone. She makes a sharp right turn and cuts into traffic. A few more cars honk at her as she blows by them and a yellow traffic sign.

INSERT: TRAFFIC SIGN

PED-XING. A stick figure crosses the street.

QUICKLY CUT TO:

EXT: STREET.

Tim bounds across the street and dodges a few cars. He climbs a grassy knoll to a parking lot.

EXT: PARKING LOT.

Tim scrambles through the gravel and weeds. He stops to press all the buttons on the alarm remote. Nothing.

TIM

It has to be here somewhere.

He looks more closely at the keys in his hand to notice the yellow VW key chain.

TIM

I guess that could be a clue. A yellow Volkswagon.

He continues to dart through the parking lot looking for the car. A POLICE OFFICER on a bicycle follows Tim. The officer catches up to him.

OFFICER

Everything alright, buddy?

TIM

Yeah, everything is fine. I am just a little short-winded and lost.

OFFICER

What are you looking for?

QUICKLY CUT TO:

INT: CLUB MAXIM.

BRITNEY

My keys!

Joey stands like a scolded dog with his tail between his legs.

BRITNEY

Where are they, Joey? I left them in my purse. And why is my purse soaking wet?

Three other girls stand beside Britney. They are MAUREEN, CONNIE, and BECKA. Maureen digs through her purse and pulls out a set of keys.

MAUREEN

Why are your keys in my purse, Becka?

Becka digs through her purse and pulls out a set of keys.

BECKA

Hey, aren't these keys yours, Connie?

The two girls exchange keys. They each give Joey a piercing stare.

CONNIE

And you swear that you didn't take your eyes off them?

Joey remains silent.

BRITNEY

All we ask you to do is to watch the purses while we dance, you dweeb. How could you have let this happen? It's like someone stole the purses, mixed everything inside them up and then...dropped them in the fucking toilet!

The other girls simultaneously drop their purses in disgust.

BRITNEY

And now my keys are missing and my whole evening is ruined. Thanks, Joey.

Joey still stands motionless. Britney throws her hands up.

BRITNEY

You have nothing to say? Forget it!

All four girls walk away from Joey.

MAUREEN

Hey Brit, doesn't Ashley still keep a spare key hidden underneath her car?

BRITNEY

Yeah. But I needed to see someone else feel like shit after the day that I've had.

BECKA

So where are we going now?

BRITNEY

I am going home. I am just not in the mood to shake my ass anymore.

MAUREEN

Are you sure you're OK to drive? You've had like four kamikazes.

BRITNEY

I had six, and I'm fine. Besides, I have my ways of getting out of tickets.

Britney purses her lips and puts on some lip balm. They all giggle. She waves to her friends and heads towards the exit.

BECKA

Congratulate your sister on her win for us, Britney!

Maureen elbows Becka.

MAUREEN

Why'd you say that, you bimbo?

Britney scowls and wrings her purse in her hands like a wet towel as she leaves.

BRITNEY

(to herself)

Don't worry, I will congratulate Ashley. When she's sleeping tonight, I am going to squeeze my hands around her...

QUICKLY CUT TO:

INT: THE AFTERGLOW.

JACK

Balls! Those were my balls!

Jack clutches his groin and drops to his knees in coleslaw. One of the lesbians uppercuts him in the chin. He flops onto his back. Coleslaw spatters everywhere.

The crowd cheers and laughs. Frank pushes his way to the pool and gets in. He grabs Jack and pulls him to the edge.

FRANK

I got you now, fucker!

Bobby and the girls head towards Frank.

BOBBY

Don't let'em go, Frank!

The lesbians approach Frank.

DJ

Uh, oh. It looks like we have another contestant for our lesbian coleslaw wrestlers! Get him girls!

One of the lesbians kicks Frank from behind while he kneels on top of Jack. Frank lunges forward onto his chest in coleslaw. Both lesbians step over Jack and inflict pain on Frank.

VANESSA

Get in there and help him, Bobby.

Bobby hesitates.

CINDY

You're not scared are you?

Bobby SNORTS and climbs into the pool. He spins one of the lesbians around and throws a wild punch. He misses as she ducks and uppercuts him in his groin. Bobby keels over onto his side just in time to catch an elbow drop from the lesbian.

Jack crawls out of the pool and through the crowd like a slug. He leaves a white, creamy trail of coleslaw. He exits through a side door.

CINDY

There he goes, we'll get him.

Vanessa and Cindy follow Jack.

Meanwhile, Frank is contorted into a pretzel by one of the lesbians. He smacks his hand into the coleslaw repeatedly as he TAPS out.

QUICKLY CUT TO:

INT: CRAZY HARRY'S SPORTSCLUB.

The bell rings. DING! DING! DING! The unknown wrestler screams in pain as he TAPS out. Rowdy Roddie Piper hovers over him and bends his leg via a painful submission move. Piper drops him and throws up his arms. The crowd cheers.

JIM-BOB

I love you, Piper! You're my hero!

Piper stands on the turnbuckle and points and waves to people in the crowd. Fans cheer and take pictures of him. Cameras FLASH brightly.

QUICKLY CUT TO:

EXT: PARKING LOT.

The brights on the Pinto FLASH a few times to reveal a teenage couple making-out in the parking spot. They scurry away as Ashley steers the car in.

ASHLEY

I hate Ybor city.

She climbs out of the car only to step in a wad of WHITE bubble- gum. She takes a few steps and stretches it out into a stringy mess.

ASHLEY

Ehhhrrrg!

She steps up to the curb of the parking lot and scrapes her shoe on it.

In the distance, a car alarm begins to WHINE.

ASHLEY

Stupid brats chewing stupid gum in stupid Ybor... that sounds like MY car's alarm!

She gazes down the hill into the lower parking lot to see Tim dancing around the yellow Volkswagen Beetle. The headlights blink in unison with the rhythm of the alarm.

Tim unlocks the car and dives in to search for the chest.

Ashley takes off running down the hill in complete haste.

QUICKLY CUT TO:

INT: VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE.

Through the windshield of the car, Ashley can be seen running down the hill. She trips and takes a series of painful tumbles the remainder of the way down through some tall weeds, gravel, and over a wooden log. She staggers to her feet and limps towards Tim.

Tim's feet dangle out the driver side door as he digs through various Mary-Cay cosmetic brochures, samples, and small empty boxes on the passenger side floor. He retrieves the chest.

TIM

I got you!

ASHLEY

(V.0.)

No, asshole! I got you!

Ashley grabs his ankles and tries pulling him out of the car. Tim grasps onto the passenger seat as he looks up at Ashley.

Her face is scratched up and she has dirt and twigs in her frazzled hair. Her lipstick is smeared across the mascara running down her cheeks.

Tim GASPS in horror. He reaches down and grabs a bottle of lotion. He aims it at her and squeezes. WHITE lotion bursts out of the bottle all over her face.

QUICKLY CUT TO:

EXT: ALLEY.

Jack wipes WHITE, creamy, chunky coleslaw off of his face as he leans against a wall. In a daze, he stumbles out of the alley into the back streets of Ybor.

Cindy and Vanessa bound into the alley from the club just in time to see Jack turn the corner.

CINDY

There he is! Go get the boys while I keep an eye on this SON OF A-

QUICKLY CUT TO:

EXT: STREET.

BRITNEY

BITCH!

Britney stares at the Volkswagen Beetle from a distance. She sees Ashley leaning against the car door wiping her face.

Britney cracks her knuckles as she marches towards the car.

BRITNEY

You have some nerve coming here!

QUICKLY CUT TO:

INT: THE AFTERGLOW.

DJ

Tempers are flaring here tonight, folks! What originally started out as wholesome, fun-for-the-whole-family lesbian coleslaw wrestling has escalated into an all-out brawl between a couple of mutant lesbians and some angry rednecks.

The crowd laughs and cheers as Frank and Bobby are thrown from the pool by the lesbians. They both land at the feet of Vanessa.

She shakes her head at them in dismay.

VANESSA

That clown is getting away while you two are in here playing around. Yuck! You idiots just got coleslaw on my brand new...

QUICKLY CUT TO:

INT: CRAZY HARRY'S SPORTSCLUB. LOCKER ROOM.

PIPER

SKIRT? Did you just call it a skirt? It's a kilt!

Rowdy Roddie Piper packs his bag as CRAZY HARRY writes him a

check. Crazy Harry is a short Indian man.

PIPER

And if I ever saw anyone else wearing one with the same level of respect and courage for it as myself, I would welcome him as my brother with open arms, because he, too, would have to be a man of strength and honor, like Rowdy Roddie Piper!

Piper poses with his chest out and his arms at his sides like a man of valor and distinction.

CRAZY HARRY

I am sorry. I didn't realize that there was so much prestige and moral excellence in the art of professional wrestling! You said a check was fine?

Piper breaks his pose and blows a snot-rocket on the floor.

PIPER

No, I need some cash under the table if you can. I got the IRS on my back.

CUT TO:

EXT: PARKING LOT.

Piper walks through the parking lot swinging a motorcycle helmet. He rubs his neck.

PIPER

I am getting too old for this shit.

Suddenly, Tim runs by with the chest under his arm. He slows down to look at Piper.

ASHLEY

(0.C.)

Help! That man stole my purse!

Ashley stumbles after Tim. As she runs by, she gives Piper a strange stare. Piper stands puzzled for a few moments until Britney scurries by. She stops and looks at Piper.

BRITNEY

Are you wearing a skirt? Fag!

She darts after Ashley chasing Tim.

CUT TO:

EXT: PARKING LOT.

Jack picks at his butt as he staggers between cars. He is still soaked in coleslaw.

JACK

How'd it get so far up my ass?

A few car lengths back, Cindy secretly follows Jack. Behind her, Bobby, Frank, and Vanessa falter to catch up.

CUT TO:

EXT: PARKING LOT.

Jack arrives at the Jeep and sprawls out on the hood. He softly MOANS in pain as coleslaw drips down the grill and bumper.

TIM

(0.C.)

Get in!

Jack lifts his head to see Tim sprinting his way.

TIM

Get in, now!

Jack slides off the hood and crawls toward the passenger door. He passes out before he can climb into the Jeep.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

EXT: PARKING LOT.

Jack awakens to a few brisk slaps by Frank. Bobby has Tim's head pressed in to the side of the Jeep. Vanessa holds the white chest.

FRANK

Wake up, shit-head.

BOBBY

Yeah, I bet you didn't think you'd see us again, did ya? We got you and their ain't NO escaping this time. And we got your brother here, too.

ASHLEY

(O.C.)

Let it go.

They all look up to see Ashley. She is a disaster.

FRANK

Who the fuck are you, Tammy Faye Baker? Get lost, before we make you get lost.

ASHLEY

Until I get that white chest I am not going anywhere!

Vanessa clutches the chest.

BOBBY

Nope. My baby, Vanessa, wants to keep it. It belongs to her, now.

FRANK

You heard the man. Now, do what's good for you and GET LOST!

Ashley doesn't move. Frank nods to Cindy. She steps up to Ashley and pushes her.

CINDY

Get lost, before I make you even uglier!

She pushes Ashley, again.

BRITNEY

(O.C.)

Don't you dare touch her!

Britney dashes past Ashley, leaps, and smashes her fist into Cindy's nose. Cindy's nose spatters snot and blood. She drops to the ground and sobs. Britney screams at Cindy.

BRITNEY

Nobody hurts my sister but me!

Frank drops Jack and grabs Britney. Jack slowly passes out, again.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

SECONDS LATER.

Jack awakes because Tim is shaking him.

TIM

Jack, wake up! You won't believe this!

Jack slowly sits up to see Rowdy Roddie Piper hovering over him, choking Bobby. Jack squints and rubs his eyes.

ASHLEY

Put her down!

FRANK

I told you to get lost and you didn't. So now my baby- girl is lying on the dirty streets of Ybor covered in her own blood and snot! Bobby, what do think I should do about this?

Silence.

FRANK

Bobby, do you hear me talking to you?

Frank turns around to see Bobby being choked out by Rowdy Roddie Piper.

FRANK

Who the fuck are you?

Frank throws Britney down and marches towards Piper.

FRANK

Drop him before I make you pay big time!

Piper drops the overweight, limp body of Bobby onto Jack as he strides towards Frank. Jack fades back into unconsciousness

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

SECONDS LATER.

Jack awakens to a loud BANGING noise. He crawls from beneath Bobby to see Piper ramming Frank's head into the hood of the Jeep.

Tim drags Bobby off of Jack and helps Jack to his feet.

Just as Jack retrieves his balance and consciousness, Ashley slugs him in the nose. Jack wobbles back and collapses. He blinks a few times and once again, goes black.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

SECONDS LATER.

Jack's eyes flutter open as he GASPS for air. He looks directly at Britney's plump boobs while she chokes him. Ashley wrestles Britney off of him and drags her away by her hair.

Tim lifts Jack to his feet and shakes him. Jack produces a delirious smile on his bruised, slimy face.

Piper separates Ashley and Britney.

PIPER

Now, what is the problem between you two?

BRITNEY

We're sisters.

ASHLEY

You're not my sister!

BRITNEY

OK, I mean step-sisters.

ASHLEY

You aren't ANY sister of mine, you shallow bitch.

BRITNEY

What? Why are you always hating on me?

ASHLEY

Because... because you're pretty and obnoxious...and you don't treat me and our parents with any respect.

They both stare at each other silently for a moment. Piper swats at a mosquito BUZZING around his head.

BRITNEY

Our parents? All of a sudden my mom is your mom? I thought you didn't want us around?

ASHLEY

I don't. But as long as my dad loves your mom and your stupid ass I have no choice but to love you as well, because I love my dad.

Britney's bottom lip quivers and her chin wrinkles as she begins to sob. Ashley hugs her. Piper swats at the pesky mosquito, again.

BRITNEY

I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was being so selfish. I just get so caught up in myself sometimes.

ASHLEY

It's actually all the time. But It's ok, you can't help being this awesome when you're related to me. Let's go home.

Piper hugs the sisters.

PIPER

This is wonderful.

They push him off.

BRITNEY

Ewwwww, don't touch us, fag.

Ashley grabs the white chest.

TIM

No way, that belongs to us! I didn't sacrifice my first big account to come out here and go home empty handed.

PIPER

Big account? Are you in marketing or something because I have this idea...

ASHLEY

(interrupting)

Too bad! Your loser brother sold it to me, so it is mine! And after what he has put me through, I am NOT just handing it over to you.

Jack staggers to his feet and mumbles like a drunk.

JACK

(delirious)

Hey, Tim. Is that Rowdy Roddie Piper?

TIM

Yes, Jack, it is.

Piper swats the mosquito. SPLAT!

JACK

Wooooooo! Rowdy Roddie Piper. He is tough so you don't have to be!

Tim's expression changes as if he just figured out the meaning of life. He grabs Piper by the shoulders.

TIM

Mr. Piper, if you help me get that chest, I promise you a prominent position in a growing company that only you are perfectly qualified for!

JACK

That's my brother, Timmy, Mr. Last minute! Tag-teaming with Rowdy Roddie Piper to take down the evil Mary-Cay sisters!

Piper looks at him doubtfully for a moment and then glances over at Ashley.

ASHLEY

Don't listen to him. They are both a couple of liars!

Piper watches incoherent Jack for a another moment.

PIPER

Nice kilt, Jack! Nice kilt.

Jack throws him two thumbs up and a bloody, toothy grin.

JACK

Hey Mr. Piper, do you cut yourself and bleed?

PIPER

What?

TIM

Not now, Jack. Not now.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

EXT: MAY'S HOUSE. BACKYARD.

The green grass is freshly mowed and covered with folding chairs. The warm afternoon sun bathes a group of children as they chase Sammie through the garden. Parents, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, and cousins mingle and hug.

May sits proudly in the middle of her family's reunion.

The white chest sits atop a pedestal adorned with doilies and shiny ribbon in the midst of two long tables lined with platters of sliced fruit, cold cuts, and snacks. A few bottles of Kutter brand mosquito repellant sit beside the pedestal.

Seven children are piled in a heap. They laugh and scream as Jack erupts from the middle of the pile and tosses them around one by one. He flexes and points at each of them!

JACK

Ha ha! You can't keep me down you little fuckers...FARTS, you little FARTS!

A few adults stand and watch. They nod in disapproval as they retrieve their children from Jack's influence. Tim watches his brother with an enormous smirk.

TIM

I see we are recovering nicely from multiple concussions.

JACK

Yeah. But I can't remember much between yesterday and Saturday. I just keep having this strange dream about a transvestite named Tonya.

TIM

Yeah, that is a strange dream.

JACK

Tim, I try to remember what happened in Ybor the other night, but I... really... .can't.

TIM

We got the chest back and I think I can fairly say that we are even.

JACK

Ok, fine. No more rides on the memory express. You're loss.

Delores approaches them.

DELORES

Come on boys, you're grandma is about to make her announcement.

Everyone scurries to surround May. All the women press to the front. May steps up onto a small platform and holds the precious white chest in her arm.

MAY

Well, I guess it is time. I really wanted to put it off as long as possible today, but I realize everyone is getting anxious and I have had my turn long enough. What's a few more hours after almost fifty years? I hold the greatest tradition and piece of history in our family in my arms. It is more than just a little white chest with a beautiful bible inside. It took me years to realize its significance. And that is something only the next recipient of it will understand. If they choose to share that in time then that is their decision. But for me, I keep it in my heart. I hope you all can understand.

Everyone claps and nods.

MAY

Don't you think for a second that it was easy for me to choose which young lady in our extensive family I wanted to pass it down too. Especially since you've all been extra sweet lately.

All the women giggle.

MAY

I didn't want to base it on who was my favorite or who has been there for Grandma the most or who is the most successful. I merely reflected on my grandmother's decision fifty years ago and it just dawned on me. Have I built up enough suspense?

Everyone is on their toes in anticipation of her announcement.

MAY

This is exactly how I imagined this moment would be. Surrounded by family from near and far. Everyone in good spirits and health...well, almost everyone. Where is my young Jack?

The crowd separates down the middle to reveal Jack feeding Sammie some cold cuts. As Jack realizes all attention is on him, he pretends to reprimand the dog.

JACK

No! Sammie, I told you no! Bad dog! Tim, you need to teach your dog some discipline.

Tim shakes his head.

MAY

Jack, will you come up here and hold this for me. It is getting heavy.

Jack wipes his hands on his pants and dashes to his Grandma's side. She delicately hands him the chest.

MAY

Thank you. How does it feel? It isn't burdensome for you, is it?

JACK

No, light as a feather. I could hold it all day.

MAY

Good. How about fifty years?

Everyone GASPS and murmurs. Jack is oblivious!

JACK

I don't know, that's a long time. I guess if someone was there to...

He notices everyone staring at him in disbelief. He glances at his grandma. She smiles patiently at him.

JACK

What? No. No, definitely not. I can't even hold a job, much less the Hoffleday heirloom for fifty years. Besides, I'm not a woman, isn't this thing supposed to go to a chic? Please, take it back Grandma. This is a BIG mistake.

MAY

No. It is yours Jack. I think your grandfather would have wanted it this way.

MAY

(continuing)

Can everyone give us just a minute please; I have a few small things to tell Jack.

All the men and children return to mingling as the women slowly saunter away in shock. May holds Jack hand.

MAY

I don't know where to begin with you, boy. You almost FUCKED everything up.

Jack's jaw drops to the floor as his Grandma sees right through him!

MAY

I haven't always been Grandma, you know. I used to be the late-night life of the party. I was the girl who swore like a sailor, drank like a pirate, and fought like a rabid dog. I used to be the baddest girl around. When I came home, which was whenever I wanted and without regard for authority, I was the black sheep. That was my life about fifty years ago. Until you're great, great grandma took a chance and dropped that white chest in my lap. The look on your face is exactly what mine was when I realized it was time to grow up and be responsible! Jack, I know you sold the chest and somehow, someway you got it back. And I am not the slightest bit surprised because the apple doesn't fall far from the tree! Not far at all.

Jack gawks at his Grandma.

MAY

It was never about choosing the girl of the family that was most trustworthy or any crap like that. I don't know who started that rumor but the ass-kissing around here has been at an unbearable all-time high. It has been about choosing the family member that needed a swift kick in the ass, and a smack in the face to inspire some responsibility and motivation. For a while I thought it was going to be Tim, but he just suddenly straightened up at the end of high school and you went streaming downhill like a leaky bucket of piss. Alright, that's enough. I never liked pep-talks. Just make me and your Grandfather proud! Now, give me a hug.

She embraces him and steps down. Tim hugs May as he approaches and steps up to Jack. Tim picks from a plate of food in his hand as he speaks.

TIM

Congratulations, Jack! So how does it feel to be the winner of the bicentennial Hoffleday heirloom lottery?

Jack still stands in shock.

JACK

Leaky bucket of piss? What?

TIM

Yeah, the whole thing strikes me as ironic, too. Want to hear another strange tale of reality? You owe Rowdy Roddie Piper 60 bucks. See, I convinced him to muscle the chest out of the girls' hands, but I also decided to go for the admirable thing and reimburse them the amount of money they originally gave you for the chest. I didn't have the money on me, so Piper spotted me. Those girls really tried hard to tell me I owed them fifteen hundred bucks, but I didn't bother arguing since I had Piper on my side.

Tim smiles endlessly as he pats Jack on the back.

TIM

Jack, you're looking a little tired. Have a couple spoonful's of this...

He lifts a heaping spoonful of coleslaw to Jack's mouth. Jack GAGS.

TIM

Come on now, DOCTOR'S orders!

Tim laughs. Delores tiptoes over.

DELORES

My baby boy, Jack. This is such a great opportunity for you. I am so proud of you for accepting the responsibility of the heirloom.

JACK

Thanks, Mom. I just want to tell you that I have been doing some deep meditating the last few days and I have come up with an awesome...

TIM

Jack, please don't kill the moment and tell us another name for you're band!

JACK

I have come up with a plan for my future. I think I am... going to go back to school.

Delores SHRIEKS.

DELORES

That is so wonderful!

She hugs him.

DELORES

You know what, Tim, I forgot to ask you how your Kutter account went yesterday morning? I haven't heard from you since Friday and the suspense is killing me! I know how important it was to you and I didn't want to bother you while you were developing the whole campaign. So, tell me! Did you knock'em dead?

TIM

No, not quite.

Tim puts his arm around Jack.

TIM

I made them tap out!

CUT TO:

BEGIN COMMERCIAL MONTAGE: KUTTER BRAND MOSQUITO REPELLANT

EXT: MOUNTAINS. DAY.

A HUSBAND and WIFE hike along a trail as pine trees tower above them. Mosquitos BUZZ through the air dive-bombing the couple.

Suddenly, a man in a giant mosquito costume scurries up to the woman and sticks his long purple proboscis into her neck. She wildly swats at him.

HUSBAND

All these darn mosquitos are making this hike so miserable!

WIFE

I am getting tired of swatting at them!

CUT TO:

EXT: SOCCER FIELD. DAY.

A referee blows a whistle. All the children retreat to their

parents on the sidelines. The referee swats at a mosquito as it BUZZES by his head.

Suddenly, a man in a mosquito costume sneaks up behind the referee and jams his proboscis into the ref's neck. A few more winged mosquito mascots chase after some of the children and repeatedly poke them with their blood sucking beaks.

One LITTLE BOY cries to his mom as he vigorously scratches his neck.

LITTLE BOY

Mommy, they won't leave me alone. And I feel all itchy.

CUT TO:

EXT: GOLF COURSE. DAY.

Two senior men are dressed in mismatched golf attire. They swat at BUZZING mosquitos.

As one of the men practices his swing, a man in a mosquito costume climbs out of a nearby sand trap and plugs his proboscis into the swinging man's neck.

GOLFER #1

I can't concentrate on my swing with these pesky mosquitos chewing on me.

The second golfer reaches into his bag and retrieves a clear pump bottle of KUTTER brand mosquito repellant.

GOLFER #2

Here, try a few sprays of this. My wife picked it up for me. It is guaranteed to repel mosquitos.

The first man sprays a few mists on his clothing and arms.

Suddenly, Rowdy Roddie Piper dashes from out of nowhere to clothes-line the man in the mosquito costume.

Piper wears his signature plaid kilt and a white t-shirt. In the middle of the t-shirt, in bright orange and blue, it reads, KUTTER.

The costumed man crawls away in pain.

CUT TO:

EXT: SOCCER FIELD.

The little boy still scratches his bug bites as the costumed mosquito man is plugged onto the boy's neck. Another mom approaches the itchy boy and his mother. She hands them a container full of KUTTER brand mosquito repellant wipes.

MOM #2

Hey, Nancy. I see the mosquitos are biting. Try one of these mosquito wipes by Kutter. It is safe for the whole family and repels up to six hours!

The mother tugs a wipe from the container and dabs her son's face and arms.

Once again, Rowdy Roddie Piper dashes from out of nowhere. He scoops up the man in the costume and bodyslams him hard.

CUT TO:

EXT: MOUNTAINS. DAY

The husband and wife still have the man-sized mosquitos attached and sucking blood. Another hiker approaches the couple and offers them an aerosol can of KUTTER.

HIKER

Hey folks, might I recommend a small spray of this mosquito repellant by Kutter. It is guaranteed to repel mosquitos that transmit deadly West Nile Virus for up to eight hours and is perfect for outdoor enthusiasts like yourselves.

The couple gladly accepts the can and applies it to their legs and torso.

By surprise, Rowdy Roddie Piper drops down from a tree to drive his elbow into the skull of the first mosquito costumed man. Piper retrieves a steel folding chair from behind a shrub and smashes it over the head of the other mosquito man.

Piper poses and points to the camera as he steps on the chest of one of his costumed victims.

PIPER

All it takes is a couple of mosquitoes to ruin a beautiful day outside. So instead of wasting another ounce of your strength swatting and scratching, apply some easy-to-use mosquito repellant by Kutter. Remember, Kutter is tough, so you don't have to be!

One of the mosquitoes attempts to crawl away only to receive another vicious chair-shot from Piper.

END COMMERCIAL MONTAGE

FADE OUT:

About the jerk who wrote this screenplay:

Justin Langer was born in 1980 and for the most part, was raised on comic books and science fiction while growing up in Las Vegas. He moved to sunny Florida for college just after graduating high school. He has had a variety of professions and considers his material to be influenced mostly by experiences relative to living in the state known for its unforgiving humidity and retired population. Most, if not all, of his writings will be in a screenplay format because he doesn't really consider himself a descriptive or detailed storyteller. He just wants to get the words on the page before he forgets them.

**Thank you** for reading this work and supporting an independent, creative thinker. Please feel free to send Justin an email with any thoughts or comments about his work at Corduroy776@yahoo.com. See below for additional works available by Justin Langer.

If you enjoyed this work, the biggest compliment you can give the author is to write a positive review or suggest this work to someone else!

Check out these other works by Justin Langer.

Have Some Guts

Kenny's job sucks, his car is a piece of crap, and his girlfriend is about to break up with him. However, the two henchmen chasing him don't care; they just want back the briefcase worth untold riches he just found. For 48 hours, the beach town of Seaside will be turned inside out as the chase for the briefcase plays out. From dirty hippies to an 8-ton sperm whale, everyone wants in on the action!

Available to download for **FREE** on Smashwords.com:

<https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/357024>

