

Crazy Mad Life

By Candy J. Moon

Copyright Candy J. Moon 2017

Smashwords Edition

This eBook is licenced for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favourite eBook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Website: http://candymoonmagic.wordpress.com

Twitter: Candy J. Moon @CandyMoonMagic

Faceboook: Candy J. Moon Author

For Melissa

Contents

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

About the Author

Other Books

Chapter One

I leapt out of bed and pulled apart my curtains. It was a dull, grey day but I couldn't stop smiling. Today was the day I was going on a date with the man of my dreams! I made myself beautiful and hurried to work through spitting rain, my red umbrella protecting my make-up as I strode along the glistening pavement. I breezed through the gleaming glass doors of the Two Masks Theatre and made my way through the foyer to the metal fronted box office ready for work.

My colleague Rose, a pink-faced, middle-aged lady with short grey hair, sat at one of the box office serving windows sipping coffee. The moment she saw me, her cheeky blue eyes began twinkling beneath her silver rimmed spectacles. She jumped off her chair and let me through the internal door.

"How're you getting on with him?" she asked cheekily. "Slept with him yet?"

"No!" I snapped. "We've got our first date tonight."

"Oooh!" Rose said, beaming. "Is he taking you somewhere posh?"

"I don't actually know," I admitted. "He's picking me up this evening. It'll be a surprise."

"Straight to his place, I imagine - I know what those M.C.'s are like."

"That's extremely presumptuous of you," I pointed out.

"You wait and see!" Rose said, giving me a naughty wink.

My blushes were spared when my manager, Kalisha, arrived with a new hairdo. She looked like an ebony supermodel.

"You look stunning!" breathed Rose, staring open-mouthed at Kalisha's neatly braided cornrows. "Who did them for you?"

Kalisha reached into the breast pocket of her smart black suit, pulled out a business card, and handed it to Rose. "My sister," she said. "She's just set up as a mobile hairdresser - give her a try."

"I certainly will!" Rose said. "You look like a star!"

Kalisha smiled. "I wouldn't quite say ..." she began.

"You do!" I said. "Can I take one please?"

"Certainly," Kalisha said, handing me another card. "She'll be delighted!"

Then the red lights on the phone sets began flashing madly. The box office was open for business! My first couple of calls went fine, but then I must have had a dozen complaints from people ranting on about how many days it had taken them to get through to speak to a member of staff. The Two Masks Theatre was world famous, but the customers still couldn't seem to understand how busy we almost always were. One grumpy old git went crackers when the performance of A Christmas Carol he wanted seats for was sold out. He hurled a string of expletives at me, most of them sexual, and then had the cheek to spout a bunch of shit about young people today having no respect. Dirty old foul-mouthed bastard!

From mid-morning, I was rostered to work upstairs in the phone room. I hurried up the cold grey stone steps to the cheery yellow walled office, with windows which looked out onto the bustling main street. I was met by the superstar smile of my best friend Suki - a pretty, vivacious British Asian girl whose family were from Japan.

"Have you heard from him?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "But I can't wait for tonight."

"I bet you can't!" she said, nudging me cheekily.

Then Jim \- a plump lighting technician with a smooth pink potato-shaped head and long straggly brown hair - walked through the office. He gave Suki a playful, flirty look and she gave him one back.

"Oooh!" I said. "What's going on there then?"

"I really like him," she said, blushing as red as a beetroot.

Suki didn't have the best taste in men. Not so long ago, she'd fancied promiscuous prat Dudley Mountain - a rock star turned actor who had a big red face and a mop of greasy dyed black hair. At fifty-seven, he was old enough to be her grandad. Then she'd gone out with creepy Mick, who looked like a big alien headed baby. Lighting technician Jim wasn't my type either. He looked extremely unfit - like he spent all his spare time sitting in front of the television eating salty chips and drinking soda pop. He had no muscle tone at all. I'd rather be single than date most of the men Suki considered gorgeous.

For the rest of the day, the phones rang pretty much nonstop. I was glad, as it prevented me getting butterflies in my stomach every time I thought about my impending date with my favourite Grime artist - Nutty Bonkers.

I'd been a fan of Nutty's for a good three years and couldn't believe my luck when, last Saturday at rock star turned actor Dudley Mountain's birthday party, Nutty turned up seeking me! A couple of weeks before the party, I'd been seriously mortified when I was pictured walking along the street with Dudley beneath the headline Dudley's Mystery Lover. I was most certainly not Dudley's lover - I couldn't think of anything worse. I hated the dirty man with a passion. We'd only been walking along the street together because he'd fallen and supposedly hurt his ankle and I'd picked him up and helped him limp back to the theatre. Had I realised the paparazzi were lurking, I'd have stepped over him and left him there. I hadn't even realised it was him when I first rushed to help. He'd been wearing a new parker coat with the hood up. I was seriously upset when that edition of that scummy newspaper came out. But then I never dreamt that photo would lead to a meeting with my idol, Nutty Bonkers, after he saw it and told Dudley I was his dream girl. I had no idea Nutty and Dudley were friends and had written some of my favourite tunes together. I'd always been extremely shy and nervous with the opposite sex. When I met Nutty, I initially fainted, but then suddenly became strangely confident with him like we were always meant to be.

Now the day of our date had arrived and I couldn't believe it! As soon as six o'clock came and the phones stopped ringing, my tummy suddenly felt like it was full of tightly knotted ropes. I felt seriously sick.

Suki and I trotted home together through the biting autumn wind.

"Good luck with your date," Suki said, hugging me as we reached my apartment block. "I can't wait to hear all about it!" She waved goodbye and continued on her way home.

Still buzzing with nerves, I climbed three flights of stairs and put my key in the door of the flat which Mum and I shared.

Mum was sat watching telly, eating curried beans and rice. "Hi sweetie!" she said. "There's some in the pan for you."

"Thanks, but I'm not very hungry," I said shakily. "I think I'll just have a drink for now."

"No worries," Mum replied before turning back to the telly and shoving a big forkful of food into her mouth.

Curried beans were the last thing I wanted. Spicy breath and flatulence weren't exactly the best thing to have on a first date. What was Mum thinking? Had I not known better, I'd have thought she'd set out to sabotage my special night.

I managed a small glass of almond milk before running myself a bath. Then I glammed my face up, slipped into my figure hugging black dress and put on my shiny high heels, hoping the outfit was appropriate for wherever we were going.

At half past seven on the dot, Nutty sent a text informing me he'd arrived. I poked my nose into the lounge. "He's here," I gasped nervously. "See you later Mum."

"Wow!" Mum exclaimed. "You look absolutely stunning, as always. Aren't you going to bring him in to meet me?"

"You've already met him."

"I was drunk - I barely remember it," she said, referring to Saturday night when I met him, brought him to the flat to meet Mum, and found her staggering around the lounge making up silly words to one of his tunes. "You know I'm one of his biggest fans. Bring him in."

"OK," I said, texting him with the number of the flat to invite him in before promptly spraying the place with air freshener to get rid of the spicy cooking smell.

I opened the door and listened nervously as he sprang up the stairs. My heart boomed as he appeared, looking beautiful as ever with his lean, muscular body, radiant black skin and cute skinny dreadlocks. He reeked like he'd spilt a bottle of cologne down his shirt. It was nice cologne though.

Mum stood behind me, all excited, "Mr. Bonkers!" she said merrily. "Pleased to meet you properly this time. Sorry I was drunk the other night. Fancy a coffee?"

"I'd love one!" he said, beaming.

He followed Mum and I into the lounge.

"You two lovebirds sit down then," Mum said. "I'll make the drinks."

I glared at her. Lovebirds? I'd only just met him. I felt embarrassed. Nutty and I sat together in awkward silence as Mum brewed the coffee. It felt like she was taking forever.

I grinned nervously as she finally arrived with three steaming mugs on a tray. She placed two of them down on the coffee table in front of us, then stood happily sipping her drink.

She turned to Nutty. "Been working today?"

"Made a few notes for some new material," he said. "Been working up to the date with Yazmin, to be honest."

"Cool," Mum replied. "Well, this is amazing. Do you realise we're both huge fans?"

"Yes - Yazmin told me. I'm very flattered."

"She's beautiful, isn't she?" Mum went on. "Did she tell you she's never had a boyfriend?"

I cringed with embarrassment. I wanted to evaporate.

Nutty looked at me admiringly. "I'm surprised - she's a stunner."

"She's shy," Mum said, warming her hands on her coffee mug. "I hope you won't try anything on."

My head sank into my hands.

"I won't," Nutty said, a noticeable quiver in his voice. "It's a first date."

"It's just being a big fan, I know all your lyrics," Mum said. "You do rap about some really rather naughty stuff!"

Nutty stared at the floor.

"Mum!" I begged. "Please ..."

"You'll thank me one day," Mum said with a smile.

I rolled my eyes at Nutty. He looked at me awkwardly, then we both lifted our coffee mugs and drank in unison.

Mum smiled sweetly at Nutty. "She's my only child, you see - my precious baby."

"I understand," Nutty said.

I was fuming. I had to get away. "Thanks for the coffee Mum. See you later!" I said, leaping out of my seat like I'd sat on hot coals.

"Pleasure," Mum replied. "Now you two have a lovely time. Oh, and bring her back by midnight, or she'll turn into a pumpkin."

"Will do!" Nutty laughed. "Nice to meet you again."

Nutty and I hurried down three flights of stairs like we were fleeing a fire, then we dashed across the lamp lit carpark, jumped into his black VW Polo and fastened our seatbelts.

"Your mum's scary," Nutty said, pulling a nervous face.

"Sorry," I said. "She's not always like that."

"I know she meant well," Nutty said. "She's a good mum."

He set his satnav and started the engine. Then we zoomed off, travelling just a little too fast for my liking. I guess I'd always been driven everywhere by Mum, who drove like an old person, so his driving was rather speedy in comparison.

We travelled out of town and I took a deep breath as we shot onto the motorway like a bullet. Due to it being our first date, Nutty looked a little nervous in my presence. As he moved into the fast lane, I kept thinking how the combination of his nerves and horribly fast driving could be disastrous. I held onto the car door handle and closed my eyes as we whizzed along.

"Are you alright?" he asked, sounding concerned.

My heart jumped. Had he been watching me instead of the road?

"I don't travel well," I answered, eyes still closed. "Bit of a speed phobia."

"Sorry - I'll drive a little slower."

"Would you mind?"

"You're just like my cousin," he laughed. "You're funny!" He was beginning to sound a lot more confident in my presence now and sounded much more like the Nutty Bonkers I listened to on my iPod. I couldn't believe my luck! He glided across into the slow lane, then I felt a little calmer.

"So," I said shakily. "Where do you live?"

"Skindlesworth," he replied.

"Oh," I said. "I've never been there before."

"It's OK ," he said in a positive tone of voice. "I think you'll like it."

I wasn't so sure. Skindlesworth was a notorious place. It had been the scene of the unsolved Skindlesworth murders. I'd recently watched a documentary about the place, and it gave me the chills. I'd heard quite a bit about it in the last few months, as this year had marked the twenty-fifth anniversary of the first gristly murder. A total of sixteen people had been killed in the space of ten years, their limbs severed and missing.

Then my heart lurched as we moved into the middle lane and accelerated to overtake a lorry. I took an audibly deep breath and he laughed again.

"Lorries can't go over sixty miles per hour - I had to overtake it."

"OK," I said, although I didn't understand his logic.

"I've been driving for over three years now - I've driven thousands of miles on motorways."

"OK," I said again, not enough breath left in me to say anything else. My chest felt horribly tight and I had to slyly wipe my sweaty hands on the sides of my dress. I tried to keep calm, but everything which could go wrong kept constantly going through my head like scenes from some gory horror movie - wheels flying off lorries and hitting our windscreen, coaches swerving into us, animals venturing out onto the motorway and running across our path, cars breaking suddenly in front of us whilst we were travelling at speed ... I couldn't help it - these terrifying thoughts just kept bombarding my brain. Then I dared to let my eyes wander over to the speedometer. To my complete and utter horror, Nutty was travelling close to ninety miles per hour. My throat went seriously dry and I started to tingle all over just like the first time I'd been on a scary fairground ride. That first time was also the last time. I could hardly feel anything with my tingling hands now. I couldn't breathe properly.

Nutty glanced over at me. "God Yaz! Sorry - I wasn't thinking ... I'm so used to going at this speed it feels like nothing. Don't worry - I'll be leaving the motorway in five minutes."

That five minutes felt like five hours of pure terror. He finally left the motorway and we very soon arrived in Skindlesworth - a horrid, grey concrete place. He parked the car by a tall, run-down block of flats.

"My place!" he declared, unfastening his seatbelt.

I felt confused. I didn't know what to say. I didn't expect to be going straight to his place - I'd been imagining a ritzy wine bar. He wasn't mega famous, but he'd been well known, at least amongst young people, for quite some time now. I never imagined him living in a scruffy tower block. I shakily hauled myself out of the car, grateful we'd made it there in one piece. Aware looks can be deceiving, I thought perhaps the building might be like some luxurious palace inside.

I was wrong. As soon as Nutty opened the door into the depressing concrete hallway, a horrid stench assaulted my nostrils \- the reek of damp mixed with cigarettes and greasy cooking. This was most certainly not what I'd expected. His tune Keys to my Mansion drifted through my mind. This place wasn't exactly what I'd imagined all the times Mum and I had blasted it through our speakers and skanked around our apartment.

Nutty turned to me and smiled. "I live on the third floor - like you!"

I forced a smile and followed him up the cold stone steps to his flat. I cringed as he put his key in the door, worried what sight was about to meet my eyes.

Chapter Two

I gulped as the door swung open into a stark white square hall with a green threadbare carpet. It smelt of damp.

Nutty led me into the lounge. This was a little nicer. It had a kind of Moroccan feel with its black cloth sofa and chairs, terracotta walls and patterned cushions, but everything looked scruffy and old.

"This is lovely!" I lied politely.

"Rather cool, isn't it?" he grinned. "Would you like a drink?"

"Black coffee would be great, please!"

I followed him into the kitchen which looked like it was long overdue for a refit. The old white units looked about my mum's age! At least it seemed spotlessly clean. He removed two mugs from a mug tree. One was black and chipped and the other pink with the name Charlene emblazoned on it above a red heart.

"Hope you don't mind my ex-girl's mug," he said awkwardly. "I'd hate for you to drink from the chipped one."

"Fine," I shrugged.

This was going from bad to worse. But hey! I was with my idol Nutty Bonkers in his flat and that was a huge thrill for me - even if the state of the place was a stonking great shock to the system.

He spooned cheap coffee into the mugs as the kettle boiled. Then I cooled my coffee down with tap water and took a gulp. It was disgusting. I couldn't stop my face from screwing up.

"Got any sugar?" I asked.

"Nah! Soz Yaz - I'm all out of sugar."

I took a couple of mock sips then threw it down the sink.

Nutty watched in surprise. "Don't you like it?"

"Not really - no," I replied, my face still contorted by the bitterness.

"Never mind," he shrugged. "Fancy a Chinese? I'm starving!"

"That'd be nice!" I said. "Let's go!"

"Go where?"

"You just said we were going out for a Chinese."

Nutty laughed. "Nah! No need to go out - I've got a takeaway menu somewhere."

We moved back into the lounge where he set about looking high and low for the menu. He eventually found it in his magazine rack in the middle of a copy of Playboy. I felt a bit embarrassed, but he acted like it was nothing at all. He handed me the menu, which I studied.

"I'm not that hungry. I think I'll just have cashew nut rice," I said, handing the menu back to him. "What do you fancy?"

"I'll have the same," he said with a smile. "It'll make a change and we can share a dessert."

"Isn't there a minimum charge?" I asked.

"Nah," he said. "It's only up the road - they don't mind. They're fans, ain't they?"

"Fab!" I replied, thinking how hard-up he must be for us to have to share a dessert.

He pulled his mobile from his jeans pocket, dialled the takeaway, and ordered the food.

"It'll be about half an hour," he said, flicking through his smartphone apps. "Want a preview of my new tune?"

"Yeah please!" I said. "You mentioned we could be in the video ..."

"Of course you can - I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it Yaz."

"Cool. When are you making it?"

"A week on Friday."

My heart plummeted. "I think I'll be at work."

"We're shooting in the evening - eight o'clock."

I let out one of my embarrassingly loud sighs of relief. "We'll be there!"

He played me the tune. It didn't sound like one of his best. I hoped it might grow on me, but it was rather repetitive.

"Wow!" I said, making a pretty good job of lying. "Where are you filming it?"

"In an abandoned warehouse in Battersea - It'll be cold - I'm advising everyone to keep their coats on! Ya get me?"

"I've just bought a metallic blue padded jacket" I said. "I'll probably wear that."

Nutty's face lit up. "Sounds glam!"

I smiled sweetly. "I can't believe I used to see Dudley every day and had no idea he was a friend of yours! Tell me about when you first saw my pic then."

He gazed at me and smiled. "I don't normally read that paper!" he said. "A mate left a copy in the flat and I was thumbing through it and saw Dudley wiv you and I thought you jammy fucking geezer - she's fit as fuck. Then I phoned him and made a joke about pointing you in my direction if the pair of you split up and he said you weren't an item. He explained you'd just been helping him limp along after his fall when the paparazzi snapped you. I asked if you had a bloke and he said he didn't think he'd seen you wiv anyone."

"Wow!" I gasped.

Nutty laughed. "I kept gazing at your photo for days, then I started pestering him to meet you, so he suggested I come to his birthday party. He told me not to get my hopes up in case you didn't show up."

I clapped my hand over my mouth and gasped. "I almost didn't show up!" I admitted. "I changed my mind at the last minute."

"Glad you did," he said, gazing into my eyes. Then we passionately kissed. It was like WOW! But it came to an abrupt halt due to sudden loud banging on the door. I almost jumped out of my skin.

"That's quick!" exclaimed Nutty. "They said the food would be at least half an hour." He jumped up and rushed to the door.

To my dismay, it wasn't the takeaway. It was a drunken middle-aged couple.

"Hiya fellow nutters!" Nutty exclaimed as they practically fell through the doorway. "How ya both doin'?" He pointed at the slim blonde woman with long, unkempt hair. "This is Janine." Then he gestured at the skinny black man with a dreadlock combover. "This is Isaac - my very best mate." They both looked around sixty-years-old. It struck me as rather odd for a man in his early twenties to be best mates with someone three times his age. As they say though, age is just a number.

Janine stared at me through glazed eyes. "Don't tell me, don't tell me," she said excitedly. "This is my new friend Jasmine!"

"Yazmin," I corrected. I couldn't believe she'd only just met me and she was already calling me her friend. She looked like one of the last people I'd choose to be friends with.

She staggered up to me and gave me a huge, drunken hug. She reeked of lager. I felt sick.

Isaac smiled sweetly and shook my hand. "Hello Yazmin," he said. "You look even more gorgeous than your photo."

Janine gave him a playful slap. "Not as gorgeous as your pretty Janine!" she squarked.

Isaac put an arm around Janine and smiled. "You're both gorgeous."

"That's better!" Janine said.

They staggered into the lounge, Janine cackling like an old witch, and sat themselves down.

Nutty coughed and said forcefully, "It's our first date."

Unfortunately, they didn't take the hint.

"That's nice!" Janine said, her speech slurred.

"We've brought something exciting!" Isaac announced, holding up a bag he'd been carrying. "This'll keep us all entertained!"

Nutty looked at the bag in horror. "What is it?"

"Ouija board! Ouija board!" Janine blurted out like an overexcited three-year-old.

I was flabbergasted.

Isaac took the board out of the bag and handed it to Nutty, who's face lit up with delight as he eyed it up and placed it down on the coffee table. "I've always wanted to have a go with one of these man," he said. "Have you got the instructions?"

Isaac looked at Janine, who shrugged her shoulders. "Who needs stupid instructions?" she said roughly. "Let's just place our hands on the pointy thing and ask it questions like they do in the films."

Nutty dimmed the lights. The atmosphere turned horribly creepy. I thought about how this time last week I was probably sat in the flat watching some boring TV show. Never in my wildest dreams could I ever have guessed that in seven days' time, my favourite M.C. would have asked me out and that we'd now be sat in a flat in the middle of the infamous Skindlesworth with a couple of old drunkards and a Ouija board. You just couldn't make it up.

The four of us looked at each other.

"What now?" Nutty asked keenly.

"Like I said, we all put our hands on the pointy thing," Janine said, placing her hand down on the pointed bit of wood, which I knew from my love of horror films was called the planchette.

The others joined her, but I hesitated.

Nutty looked at me, confused. "Join in the fun then Yaz!"

I nervously placed my hand on the planchette with the others.

"Is anybody there?" asked Janine in a deep voice. She sounded possessed already.

Nothing happened.

"Perhaps we're putting too much weight on the thing for it to move," Nutty suggested.

We took some weight off it.

"Is anybody there?" Janine repeated.

Again, nothing happened.

"Let's try getting in touch with someone specific," Nutty said.

"Bob Marley!" said Isaac, beaming with excitement.

"Bob," said Janine, in that same deep, scary voice. "Do you have a message for us?"

Unsurprisingly, the planchette remained still.

Isaac laughed heartily. "Perhaps my good lady's frightening them away! Anyone else want to try?"

Nutty cleared his throat. "Does anybody have any messages for us?"

To my absolute and utter horror, the planchette began to move and spell out a word - M-E-L. We all exchanged frightened glances.

Then there was an horrendously loud rapping sound. We all jumped and screamed, then the Ouija board lifted an inch off the table and slammed back down again.

"What was that?" asked Isaac, shuddering.

"I don't know," I squeaked, my body stiff with fear.

Nutty sat there frozen in terror before suddenly sighing with relief. "It'll be the takeaway," he said, shakily walking to the door and opening it. In the outer hallway stood a startled looking little Chinese man holding up a small brown paper bag. He looked like he was about to drop it. "Sorry about the screaming," Nutty apologised. "We were just consulting a Ouija board."

The man tutted and shook his head disapprovingly. "Not a good thing to do." Nutty handed him the cash and he rushed away as fast as his short legs could carry him.

"OK, so who wants takeaway?"

"Nah!" Janine scowled. "Got any lager?"

"Nah blud!" Nutty said. "You two drank it all last night."

"Well fuck you Mr. Bonkers-Balls for not buying more!" Janine scowled.

"I think I'd better drive you two home," Nutty said to the drunken pair. "Yaz and I need to continue our date in peace!" He hugged me tightly. "They only live a couple of roads away - better get them home safe. I'll be back in a flash!"

"Nice to meet you," Isaac said sweetly.

"You too," I said, not really meaning it.

"See ya soon!" Janine said with a drunken grin. "You'll have to both come round to ours for your next date."

I smiled falsely. That's the last place I'd want to go for a date, save perhaps a crocodile pit. I lay back in my chair and sighed with relief as Nutty and his weird pals left. Then there was a sudden loud thud. It was coming from the inner hallway. I jumped and screamed. Then I slowly stood up and cautiously peeped around the door. The coat stand had fallen over. Had the Ouija board conjured up some malevolent spirit?

Chapter Three

Chest heaving, I took a key from a hook next to the door and tried it in the lock. To my great relief, it unlocked the door. I ran out of the flat, practically jumped down each flight of stairs and waited inside the apartment block entrance for Nutty's return.

He appeared minutes later, alarmed to see me shaking like a leaf. "What's wrong?" he gasped.

"I think we may have angered a spirit. It knocked the coat stand over."

"That fucking coat stand!" he screamed. "It's shite!" We bounded up the stairs to the flat. Nutty picked the stand up. "Yeah \- it overbalanced again - looks like there was too much weight on one side." He examined the underside. "And the nut's a bit loose."

"Thank goodness for that!" I breathed, as I watched him pick the coats up. He slung them on his bedroom chair and threw the stand into the hall cupboard. "I'll deal with that crap tomorrow. Sorry to frighten you, beautiful. Now, where's that takeaway? I'm starving!"

We enjoyed the food then one thing led to another and Nutty broke his virtual promise to Mum not to sleep with me. He wanted me to stay the night but I had work the next day so I returned home in the early hours of the morning, after another terrifying car journey. I slowly put my key into the door and turned it as quietly as I could. As I pushed the door open, I saw the hall light was on. I sneaked in to find Mum standing in the lounge, arms folded, waiting for me with a stern look on her face.

"And what have you been up to, young lady?"

My posture stiffened. "It's not what you think," I lied. "His friends were there. I know it's a bit weird, but we were doing a Ouija board and eating takeaway and listening to music and stuff. We were having such fun we didn't realise the time. You'll probably meet his friends soon - Isaac and Janine - they're older than you."

Mum smiled. "Well, I'm glad you had a good time. Ouija board, eh? Did you get any messages?"

"It spelled out Mel, but then the takeaway arrived and the session ended, so we'll probably never know who Mel was."

Mum laughed. "It was probably just one of them messing about anyway. What's his place like?"

I raised my eyebrows. "You'd better sit down Mum."

We sat down on the settee together.

"He lives in Skindlesworth."

Mum's face fell in horror. "That murder place?"

"I'm afraid so."

"It's a right dump, from what I've seen on the telly."

"It isn't a very nice place and his flat isn't exactly the mansion he spits bars about in his tunes."

Mum frowned. "Is this a joke?"

"I'm afraid not."

"Goodness! I feel a bit dizzy. Would you mind getting me a glass of water?"

"Of course," I said, rushing to the kitchen. I returned with her drink and sat back down.

"Thanks!" Mum said. She took a gulp of water. "Sorry - it's just I'd always imagined him in a really nice place and I pictured you both having a nice meal out and stuff. I hope this Mel wasn't one of the Skindlesworth murder victims."

"Oh God!" I exclaimed. "I never thought of that."

I grabbed the iPad and searched for Skindlesworth victims. To my horror, I found out the seventh victim was Melanie Pearce. She was only twenty-seven when she died. I remembered her face from the documentary. My eyes welled up with tears as I looked at the pretty, dark haired girl with big, beautiful eyes smiling brightly like she was passionately looking forward to the rest of her life. I delved deeper and, to my utter horror, I found out the girl's body was found in her flat in Brimworth Court, where Nutty lived.

"What's wrong?" Mum gasped, observing the shocked look on my face.

"My God - the seventh victim was Melanie Pearce and she lived in the same block of flats as Nutty!"

"Do you think someone in the group was messing about?"

"It's possible, but it didn't seem like it. Everyone looked genuinely shocked when the planchette spelled out the name."

"I think I'm going to have nightmares now! This is nothing like the conversation I pictured us having when you returned from the date. I think I need a camomile tea."

I made a cup for us both and we took a few sips before retiring to bed. Amazingly, I managed to sleep quite soundly for most of the night.

Next morning, I was awoken by Mum calling, "It's almost eight - I've made you a coffee!"

I'd forgotten to set my alarm. I jumped out of bed all smiles, thinking about last night with Nutty. I sipped down the lovely strong coffee and managed a single slice of toast before my usual ritual of blasting my head with loud music whilst the caffeine kicked in. I then sent Nutty a good morning text before taking a shower and dressing. I kept listening for the text tone, but he didn't reply. I guessed it was too early for me to have texted him - he must have been exhausted after driving all the way home in the early hours of the morning following our first night together as well as the weird events with Isaac and Janine.

Mum dropped me off at work and I made my way to the downstairs box office where Kalisha and Dana were sat sipping coffee and chatting. As soon as they saw me, they stopped speaking.

"We were just talking about you!" Dana said.

"I'd noticed!" I laughed.

"How did the date go?" Kalisha asked. "Did you go somewhere glam?"

"His place," I said.

Both women raised their eyebrows.

"I see," Dana said. "Naughty girl."

"It wasn't like that," I lied. "It was a small party - a few of his friends came to meet me and we ate takeaway and stuff."

"Cool!" Dana said.

"What sort of a place does he live in?" Kalisha asked.

I wasn't going to lie. "He lives in a flat in Skindlesworth," I said.

Kalisha's coffee came showering out of her mouth, it was lucky she was wearing a brown jumper, as the coffee went down her front. "You're joking - right?"

"He might be well known now - but he isn't famous. He's not quite making mega bucks yet."

"I guess it's not too easy for them to make the best living with everyone downloading free music and stuff nowadays," Dana said as nine o'clock dawned and the phones began flashing.

"Very true," Kalisha agreed. "But everyone was taking pictures of him at the party - he is quite famous."

"I think a few people recognised him and took photos and then word spread and everyone was doing it," I said.

About half way through the morning, I received a text from Suki. It was her day off. Hiya! Can we meet when you finish work? Dying to hear about your date with Nutty!

Sure! I texted back. I'm working in the phone room until six. Meet in the foyer?

She replied without hesitation. Ok. Can't wait!

I still hadn't heard from Nutty though. All day long, I kept my phone in front of me, checking the screen every few seconds for a reply to my text. Worrying thoughts bombarded my brain all afternoon. Had he screwed me for a bet with Dudley? Had he gone off me? Had he crashed on the way home? Had he been literally scared to death by Melanie's ghost? Had the Skindlesworth murderer struck again?

Just after six, Suki and I met in the foyer by the downstairs box office. We stepped out into the frosty evening air and made our way to The Bell - a pub close to the theatre which had autographed photos of actors all over its cream and black timbered walls. We ordered a drink each and sat down.

Suki took a gulp of cider and grinned. "Did you have a good time?"

My face fell. "Yes, but ..."

Suki's eye's widened. "What's wrong?"

"I texted him this morning and he hasn't replied."

"Oh dear!" Suki said sadly. "Looks like you and me might not be lucky in love - or perhaps he's lost his phone."

I sighed sadly. "Hope that's all it is."

"There might be a good explanation for it. Do you feel like talking about the date, or ..."

"It wasn't quite as expected," I said.

"Where did you go?"

"His place - he lives in Skindlesworth."

Suki's jaw dropped.

"Yeah - it's a right dump. His flat isn't too nice, but I was thrilled to be with him - if only for one evening."

Suki put down her glass and leaned towards me. "Does he live in one of those horrid grey concrete tower blocks they're always showing on the news?"

I let out a half-laugh. "I'm afraid so!"

Then my text tone sounded. Nutty had finally replied!

"Oh my God!" I said, showing the screen to Suki. "It's him!"

I anxiously read the text. Hi gorgeous! Sorry I haven't been in touch till now - ran out of credit. How are you? X

"He ran out of credit," I whispered to Suki.

"Ran out of credit, eh? He really does sound poor."

"I don't care!" I said, full of joy. "My appetite has suddenly returned. Can you order me the carrot and coriander soup? I'll pay you back."

"No need," said Suki. "Soup's on me! I think I'll have the same." She slinked over to the bar, smiling brightly.

I replied to Nutty's text: Hi. I'll admit I was a little worried! I'm fine thanks - in the pub with Suki. How are you? X

I'm fine. I'll leave you to enjoy the drink then. Have a great eve and phone me when you're home x

Will do! xxx

Suki returned and knocked back the remains of her cider. "Tell me all about it then!"

"Well, yeah - his place is a bit old and depressing looking, but clean. We had a takeaway and you'll never guess what happened next."

Suki leaned forward with interest. "What?"

"I'll give you three guesses."

Suki giggled. "You slept with him! Who wouldn't?"

"My business," I replied. "Something more unusual happened."

Suki grinned, obviously looking forward to the challenge. "Now let me see ... A film crew and newspaper reporter turned up and you're now famous?"

"No! Try again."

Still smiling, Suki placed her hand on her chin thoughtfully. "Goodness. This is hard. Oh, I know! You were having a romantic meal until the candle tipped over and set fire to the table cloth!"

"No candlelit dinner, I'm afraid. I'll give you an extra guess."

"I don't know. A ghost appeared?"

"OMG - you're so close!"

Suki looked at me in horror. "What the ...?"

"A pair of his friends turned up with a Ouija board and we may have made brief contact with a Skindlesworth murder victim!"

Suki looked at me like I was crackers. "This is a joke, right?"

"I'm afraid not. I don't think anyone was faking it either - they all looked real scared."

"Did you find out who the murderer was?"

"No - the board just spelled out Mel - who was one of the victims and she lived in the same block of flats as Nutty. It might just be a coincidence."

"Wow! Do you think she died in Nutty's flat?"

"I hope not!"

Suki looked like her head was reeling. "What a weird first date! No wonder he calls himself Nutty Bonkers. Are you seeing him again?"

"We're speaking later."

"Just hope your next date isn't a trip around a haunted castle, or something."

At that moment, Dudley walked past the window arm in arm with an elderly lady.

"Oh God," I said. "Do you think that's his mum - or one of his women?"

"Most likely his mum," Suki said.

"I wouldn't be too sure," I answered.

Suki burst into fits of giggles just as our soup arrived. She was laughing so much it was ages before she could eat. After enjoying the soup, we decided to share a taxi home, as the frosty pavements glistened so white we were worried we might slip and fall in our heels.

When I arrived home, Mum was chatting on the phone to her best friend Jane. When the pair of them got together they could talk for England. I waved and went straight to my room to phone Nutty, gazing at his posters as I waited for him to answer, still not able to quite believe he was now in my life. We chatted for almost an hour and arranged to meet on Saturday. I agreed to get the train after work, as Nutty was appearing at a rave in Newcastle-upon-Tyne the night before and would be tired from the performing and travelling. I was glad, as I found travelling on trains less traumatic than zooming along motorways at ridiculous speeds.

Chapter Four

Saturday came and I thought the working day would never end. It seemed to drag on and on. I couldn't wait to see Nutty again. I kept looking at the time on my new iPhone which had arrived in the post that morning just in time for me to set it up before I travelled to work. Time barely seemed to be moving. It was the slowest day ever. Jim - the flabby lighting technician Suki fancied - kept walking through the phone room to flirt with her. At least that broke some of the monotony and gave me a giggle.

After he'd passed through for what felt like the umpteenth time, I turned to Suki, puzzled. "You both seem to like each other," I said. "Why isn't anything happening?"

"I think it's because we're so keen on each other," Suki replied. "It isn't like me, but I'm too nervous to ask him out. I've never quite felt this way about anyone before."

"Oh well," I shrugged. "If it's meant to be it'll happen, I guess."

"He's gorgeous, isn't he?" Suki said dreamily.

I didn't answer. I turned my back on her, pulled a disgusted puke face, and swiftly answered a call.

Minutes later, Kalisha approached Suki and I to offer us press night tickets for The Mad Dentist in a few days' time. "Should I print an extra ticket for Nutty?" she asked.

"Please!" I replied. "Can we have back stalls?"

"Don't you want something a bit closer?"

"The stage side seats we had last time were great, but we had a giggling fit in front of the audience."

"Oh goodness," Kalisha replied, bouncing back over to her desk. "In that case, I'll see what I can do."

I quickly sent Nutty a text: My manager says you can attend the press night of The Mad Dentist with me - it's on Tuesday. Hope you can come.

Nutty texted straight back: Really sorry - making the Rub-A-Dub-Dub video with Miss Silky on Wednesday \- I'll be driving up to Manchester that afternoon.

My heart skipped a beat. Miss Silky was a beautiful caramel skinned rapper with glossy black hair, a perfect butt and boobs the size of watermelons. I really didn't like the thought of him being with her. If any woman in the world could be a threat to our relationship, it was that sex goddess.

Oh, I replied. Never mind.

Kalisha shouted across the office, "I've got three tickets on the side of the stalls about two thirds of the way back. Would that be alright for you?"

"We only need two," I sighed. "Nutty's making a video with Miss Silky."

"Woo!" Kalisha exclaimed. "Lucky him! Well, in that case, I've got two fairly central back row. Oh - unless your mum would like to see it."

"She's going out for her best mate's birthday. Thanks though. We'll take the ones in the back row please."

When six o'clock finally struck, I struggled home through gale-force winds, bolted down a bowl of soup, hopped in the bath, then glammed myself up ready for my second date with the man of my dreams.

Mum ran me to the station, I travelled most of the way to London with some pervy business man type who kept staring at me, and then I got a taxi to Nutty's. As soon as I stepped through the door, he kissed me passionately. I grinned with excitement, but then my face fell when I spied Isaac sat in the lounge with the Ouija board. At least Janine wasn't there.

"Hi!" said Isaac warmly. "How's young Yazmin?"

"OK thanks," I answered. "How are you?"

"A bit disappointed." He hung his head and I noticed his dreadlock combover staying put, like the dreads had been glued to his scalp. "We've been trying to contact Paul without luck."

"Who's Paul?" I asked, taking a seat opposite him.

Isaac looked at Nutty. "Will you explain?" he asked. "I'm upset."

Nutty sat down next to Isaac. "Paul was my Uncle," he explained. "He used to live in this flat - he and Isaac were best mates. He died earlier this year on his sixty-first birthday. Isaac and another friend bust the door down and found his body. He'd basically drunk himself to death."

"I wanted to contact him the night we met you," Isaac said. "But Janine and Paul never got on, so I left her at home tonight and brought the board hoping ..."

Nutty put an arm around Isaac. "We'll try again mate."

Isaac nodded sadly. His combover still staying put. I opened my mouth to ask what type of glue he used, then promptly shut it. This wasn't the time.

"Have you tried to contact Melanie again?" I asked them.

Isaac looked puzzled. "Melanie?"

"The board spelt out Mel the other night before the man from the takeaway knocked and interrupted us."

"Oh!" Nutty said. "The board only gave us a couple of letters before we were interrupted. It wasn't really a proper message."

"True," I said. "But did you know the seventh Skindlesworth murder victim lived in this block of flats and that her name was Melanie Pearce?"

"Fuck!" Nutty said. "That's right. Oh my God!"

"Might just be a coincidence," I pointed out.

"Might be," Nutty agreed. "Interesting though. Well, I'd better get Isaac home now before Janine goes berserk. I'll be back in a flash."

As Nutty and Isaac headed for the door, I grabbed my coat. "I'm coming this time!" I said.

"Sorry Yaz," Nutty replied. "No room in the back, I'm afraid - Isaac bought a chest of drawers from a neighbour. It's in the car - we had to put the back seats down to get it in."

"Pine!" Isaac said, beaming. "A real bargain!"

"OK," I said, eyeing the hook by the door to make sure the spare key was hanging there in case I needed to flee the flat. "I guess I have no choice."

I put the kettle on and fetched a peppermint teabag and brand new mug I'd brought with me, obsessing over the fact I'd lost my virginity in a flat where goodness knows how many dead bodies had been found - Nutty's uncle, at very least, and possibly even a Skindlesworth murder victim or two. I was just waiting for my tea to cool when there was a loud knock on the door. I crept to the spyhole, peeped through and gasped as a horrible sight met my eyes. It was Dudley.

"Anyone in?" he croaked.

"Hi Dudley!" I shouted. "It's Yazmin. Nutty should be back in a sec - I haven't got a key." Obviously, I lied because I didn't fancy being alone with him.

"Hi Yaz!" Dudley exclaimed. "I think I've got a key for this place on my bunch - I'll try a few."

"Hurry up Nutty!" I said under my breath, my heart beating wildly as I heard key after key being tried in the lock. Why couldn't the impatient idiot just wait a minute for Nutty to return?

I quietly fastened the safety chain so that now, even if he did find the right key, he wouldn't be able to get in. Then I heard a key being fully turned in the lock. The door opened as far as it could before the safety chain became taught. What was I going to say now? I decided the best course of action was to just mess about to delay his entry whilst Nutty got home.

"Chain's on Yaz!" Dudley pointed out.

"Oops!" I said falsely as he closed the door again. I knocked the chain against the door a couple of times, pretending to be trying to free it. "It's stuck!" I lied. "Hang on a minute!" I made a few more mock attempts to free the chain. "Oh dear - does Nutty have a toolbox somewhere in here?"

"I've no idea," Dudley said, sounding frustrated.

"I'll take a look around," I said. I stayed behind the door in silence, pretending I was searching for the tools.

Then I heard Dudley say, "Chain's fucked. She's looking for a screwdriver."

I sighed with relief as I heard Nutty's voice. "Really? That chain's only a couple of months old."

I grabbed a knife from the kitchen drawer, undid the chain and opened the door. Dudley's eyes widened with fear as he saw the sharp knife pointing towards his beer belly. He took a step backward. The bunch of keys fell from his hand and clattered against the concrete floor.

"Sorry!" I said meekly, pointing the blade away from him. "Knife did the trick though!"

Dudley bent down and picked up the keys. There must have been at least thirty of them on the large ring. Probably keys to various women's flats. Or perhaps he wasn't lying when I'd heard him boasting to fans a few weeks previously about a villa he owned in France. Perhaps he had a villa in France, a castle in Ireland, a mansion in London and a whole frigging skyscraper in New York. Although my bet was that most of the keys had been given to him by women. Filthy philanderer!

I placed the knife back in the kitchen drawer and returned to the hall where Nutty and Dudley were trying the chain out and looking puzzled as it seemed to be in full working order.

"I'm good at mending things!" I said with a grin, as they looked at me and narrowed their eyes in confusion.

Nutty turned to Dudley as the rotund actor removed his anorak and hung it on the coat stand. "I'm surprised to see you tonight."

"Your short-term memory gone or something?" Dudley laughed. "We arranged it a couple of nights ago - you were chatting on your phone in the supermarket - remember?"

"Shit!" Nutty exclaimed. "It was a bad line - I thought you meant next weekend."

"No - I'll be onstage this time next weekend. Theatre's closed tonight in preparation for the new play. Should be good - I'm starring in it!" He laughed at himself like he was the funniest man alive.

"Sorry Yaz," Nutty said. "We'd arranged a writing session - you can join in and see how it's done!"

I forced a smile. This was supposed to be a date. Nevertheless, I was stood in the presence of the duo who had written my most favourite tune ever - Nutty's hilarious song Madman in a Bunny Costume, so I swiftly warmed to the idea.

Dudley turned to me and laughed. "I hear you've met Isaac and Janine. What do you think of them?"

"They were a bit drunk," I said, trying not to be too rude.

"Crazy couple!" Dudley laughed. "He's not too bad but she's a fucking psycho! You should see her when she's really drunk - like proper drunk."

"Yeah!" Nutty said. "She told Dudley he looked like an alien foetus gone wrong once. Remember that Dud?"

"How can I ever forget?" Dudley scowled.

I said nothing - drunk or not, the woman had a point.

"I took them to a family pub the other week," Nutty added. "She snatched a sausage off a little kid's plate and munched it in front of him. Woman's pure evil!"

"How vile," I said, hoping to never set eyes on the alcoholic pair ever again.

Nutty fetched a pen and pad. Then they cracked open a couple of beers, I grabbed my mint tea, and we sat down in the lounge.

"We always start with a rhyming game to warm up and get a few ideas," Nutty said.

"Sounds like fun!" I replied.

Dudley giggled stupidly into his hand. "Let's start with words and phrases that rhyme with runt!"

"Dirty bastard!" Nutty exclaimed. "He always starts with that one."

"Let me see ... Front!" Nutty laughed.

"Brunt," I said.

Predictably, Dudley said the C word and laughed loudly at himself for a prolonged length of time. I knocked back the remains of my peppermint tea and then popped to the kitchen to brew myself another.

When I returned, they were trying to rhyme words with love.

"Above!" Dudley said in a big, showy, theatrical voice.

"Boxing glove," I said, fantasizing about boxing Dudley in the face.

"Dove," Nutty said, jotting the word down.

We came up with quite a few more rhymes to this one, including kind of and shove and played for about twenty minutes before they seemed to lose interest in the game. They sat there chatting whilst I did a few social media quizzes on my phone, including What Was Your Name in a Previous Life? and Which Breed of Dog are You? I got Victoria and Chihuahua. Then I began to nod off.

Nutty smiled at me. "Go to bed if you like," he said. "I'll join you shortly."

"Don't blame you!" Dudley said creepily. He smiled his sickly brown-toothed smile as I reeled back in horror and fled the room.

I got into bed fully clothed, as I knew it was more than likely Dudley would pop his big, red, bulbous nose through the door to say goodbye before he left. I lay there listening as Dudley began laughing to himself.

"Share the joke!" I heard Nutty say.

"I'm just thinking how Yazmin's a cut above some of the others you've shagged. Remember that freaky bitch you banged in the back of the van at the festival?"

"Shush!" Nutty said urgently.

"Sorry," Dudley replied. "It's just that yellow hair and purple fringe ..."

I felt sick. The girl sounded like a right skank. How many filthy infected mingers had he banged in the back of vans?

"I think you'd better leave," Nutty said furiously.

"But I've got a fun idea for a tune. Besides - you're a fucking wicked M.C. She surely doesn't think you've been living a fucking angel's life bro."

"Shit Dudley. I fucking hope Yaz didn't hear you."

"Nah - she's probably asleep. You saw her nodding. Anyway, this idea's a potential mega hit. Do you wanna hear the idea or not? It's about a forty-year-old mummy's boy whose teddy comes alive at night and attacks him."

"Oh, fuck it!" Nutty said, still sounding pissed off. "I'll get a couple more beers."

"That's more like it!" Dudley said.

Then all I could hear was some repetitive grime instrumental which made me drift off to sleep. Sometime later, I awoke to hear them writing the lyrics.

I could hear Nutty spitting bars. "He slapped him, wacked him, shook him hard and smacked him. Pete called for his mummy as Fluffy Buns attacked him."

"Coming along nicely!" Dudley said.

"I dunno blud," Nutty said. He sounded tired. "I'm not sure about the tune, yunno?"

"Shut it mate! I'm telling you. It's fantastic - it'll rake in mega bucks - mark my words. Now, where were we? He slapped him, wacked him, shook him hard and smacked him. Pete called for his mummy da, da, da, da, attacked him. How about, er ... His mummy didn't hear coz she was chatting on a sex line. She presumed he was asleep coz it was way past Petey's bedtime. Then we could end it where she finds him all hacked up in the morning and the teddy bear missing."

"Chatting on a sex line?" Nutty said. "I'm still not sure ..."

Then I heard one of Dudley's songs playing. Dudley had obviously set it as his ringtone, because then I heard him say, "Hiya! Be there in twenty!"

"Why you grinning like dat?" I heard Nutty say.

"Because she's more than nice, this one. Petite redhaired stunner. Met her at the Nitty Gritty club - she works on the cloakroom. I'm calling a cab!"

He called the cab and fucked off out into the night. Then Nutty finally joined me in bed.

Chapter Five

On the following Tuesday, Suki and I were sat at the side of the telephone room enjoying lunch together, when potato-headed Jim walked through, grinning at Suki in the usual flirty way. Suki responded by pretty much mirroring him. This was becoming ridiculous.

"Still not asked you out?" I laughed.

"No," Suki replied, sounding seriously desperate. "I was wondering ..." She closed her mouth and looked at the floor.

"Wondering what?"

"Well, I was wondering if you'd help me out."

"I'll try," I said.

"Would you mind going along to the lighting department and asking him out for me?"

My jaw dropped. When it came to men, Suki was always the confident one - it was me who'd had trouble communicating with men I liked, until I met Nutty. "Did I hear right?" I asked her.

"Would you mind?"

I stared out the window at the street below. "I dunno. I guess it's easier than asking someone for myself ..."

Suki looked at her watch. "Lunch will be over in twelve minutes."

I let out a big sigh. "OK then - I'll do it. I guess I've got nothing to lose."

"You're a star!" Suki said, looking nervous but hopeful.

I bolted down the remains of my carrot and nut salad, made my way to the lighting department and rapped on the door. Jim answered.

"Hi," I said nervously. "I'd like a word with you, if you don't mind."

"Sure!" he said. "Come in."

I looked behind Jim at his hairy, middle-aged colleague who was sat stuffing his face with sandwiches.

"I'd like to speak to you in private," I said.

Jim and the hairy man exchanged cheeky looks, as much as to say I was about to propose something naughty to him. Jim stepped out of the room and shut the door.

I cleared my throat. "I've come on behalf of Suki," I said nervously. "She likes you a lot. She'd love to go on a date sometime."

Jim's face fell. "Sorry," he said. "I'm not interested at the moment."

I froze. I couldn't believe what I'd just heard. He seemed to like Suki. Was he just a big, silly flirt? Or perhaps he was just doing it to make someone else jealous - not me, I hoped.

"Oh," I said. "I'll let her know."

Glumly, I made my way back to the telephone room. Suki was sat in the same position, still looking nervous but hopeful. Her face fell when she saw my expression.

I sat down next to her. "Sorry Suki," I whispered. "He says he's not interested at present. I don't understand him."

Suki stared out the window looking mortified. "Thanks for trying anyway."

I put an arm on her shoulder. "We've got The Mad Dentist press night to look forward to later - who needs oddball lighting blokes?"

Suki smiled at me, but her eyes looked sad.

I couldn't understand him. Perhaps he was walking through our office for the exercise. It was evident from his appearance that walking around the theatre was almost certainly the nearest he ever got to doing a workout. Whatever he was up to, something obviously wasn't quite right with the man. And did he ever actually do any work? It was quite sickening to see someone who was surely on a good salary spending their working day walking around the building flirting with teenage girls.

After work, Suki and I went straight to the theatre café. We bought an Americano and a sandwich each and chose a table with a beautiful view of the floodlit theatre gardens. I was just about to bite into my sandwich when Rose appeared with a little skinny bald man. The pair were wearing matching red anoraks. I nudged Suki, who turned around to take a look.

Suki smiled. "That's her husband - they're back together."

Rose and her husband had recently split after he had an affair with his secretary. As a result of this, Rose was signed off work sick for a fortnight, during which time we discovered she was sleeping with Dudley, apparently to console herself!

"I can't believe she's bringing him to watch Dudley!" I said quietly.

Suki laughed. "I know!"

We waved at the pair as they glided blissfully to the counter, looking like the happiest people alive. They ordered coffee and gateau, then sat themselves down in a romantic corner and held hands across the table.

"I wouldn't have had Rose down as one half of a matching anorak wearing pair," I said, slyly watching them.

"Perhaps it's to stop either of them straying," Suki said thoughtfully. "They can keep an eye on each other in those bright coats and show other people they belong together."

"You might be right," I said. "Unless Monks department store had a buy one get one free offer!"

A couple of minutes before the play began, we took our seats at the extreme back of the stalls. Last time we'd attended a press night, we'd sat in seats located right on the side of the stage and had a huge giggling fit in front of an audience of over a thousand people. The more we tried to control ourselves, the worse the giggling became. It's a wonder we didn't both get the sack. We decided to play safe this time and sit behind everyone else.

As the play began, the lights went down to total darkness, then an eerie blue light lit the stage as two actors playing nurses dragged Dudley along as he screamed, "Noooooooooooooooo!" Unfortunately, that was the best part of the play - it was all downhill after that opening scene. You'd imagine something named The Mad Dentist to be rather more colourful - like him going on crazy tooth extracting sprees and shit. Unfortunately, the play was nothing like that. Almost every scene consisted of Dudley talking to psychiatrist Doctor Minelli, played by Carl Zimmerman. They chatted in very bad Italian accents throughout the whole dismal production about how events in the dentist's life, such as having a toy rabbit stolen from his pushchair when he was fifteen-months-old, had turned him stark raving bonkers. Every so often, he'd break down and cry or start screaming for his late mother, then talk about some other life wrecking tragedy. How the world famous Two Masks Theatre dared to show such complete and utter trash was beyond me. Dudley's acting hadn't improved since we saw him in Mothballs. If anything, it had become even worse. He was still wildly over the top with his ridiculous theatrical gestures and he still sounded as though he was reading directly from the script. The play ended with Dudley's character dying in misery. As the asylum workers found the body and pulled the blanket over his face, Dudley had a serious sneezing fit. Even the actors couldn't keep straight faces - they joined the audience in howling with laughter for a good five minutes before they were able to take their bows.

We couldn't wait to leave the theatre that night. We stepped out into the cool and crisp but pleasant evening and stood in the theatre gardens staring at the floodlit fountain, taking a few deep breaths whilst we tried to come to terms with the fact we'd just lost over two hours of our lives watching crap.

Suki yawned and turned to me, "Fancy a drink in The Bell?"

"I'd love one!"

As we began walking, we suddenly heard the roar of furious raised voices. We hurried along to find out what all the commotion was about. It soon became apparent there was something going on by the stage door. A large crowd of autograph seekers had gathered and the first thing we saw amongst them were Rose and Tony in their two red anoraks highlighted by a street light, and then we saw Dudley. We moved a bit closer and stood beneath a large tree, watching slyly from the dark.

"Champagne?" bellowed Rose's husband in his broad Yorkshire accent. "I'll give you bloody champagne. I'll swing a whole bloody bottle at you like I'm launching a ship - coz that's what you look like - a bloody great ship! Now take your hands off my wife you fat bastard!"

Then we heard Rose yell, "No Tony - don't!"

"I bloody will!" Tony screamed.

He swung for Dudley but was held back by fans. Then we saw Dana, our dark-haired, middle-aged colleague, walking away from the crowd. We dashed over to her.

"What was that all about?" asked Suki keenly.

"Rose and Tony were waiting for Dudley's autograph," Dana said, her chest heaving with shock. "Dudley grabbed Rose's ass and whispered something in her ear - presumably about champagne. Then Tony kicked off."

"Dudley did that in front of a crowd of fans?" I said. "The man's sicker than syphilis."

"Didn't the matching anoraks give him a hint?" asked a puzzled Suki.

"He probably didn't see the anorak on Rose," Dana said. "He'd most likely mentally undressed her."

I spat on the floor. "That bloke needs therapy."

A small blue car rolled up and tooted its horn. "My husband!" Dana said. "See you both tomorrow!" She hurried off and hopped in the car.

Suki and I giggled as we headed for The Bell. The inside of the pub was warm and welcoming. We bought ourselves a lemon and lime each, ordered two pots of fries, and sat down close to the glowing fire.

Suki took a sip of her drink then smiled at me and asked, "How's Nutty?"

"He's OK," I replied. "But I'm a bit worried."

The bright smile on Suki's pretty face crumpled. "Why?"

"He travelled to Manchester earlier today to make that video with Miss Silky."

"So?"

"She's a sex goddess. I'm worried."

"Why are you worried? Your favourite artist chose you Yazmin - not Miss Silky."

"I know, but ..."

"He loves you. Lighten up!"

Then Ty and Tracy appeared. Ty was a striking young blonde actor who Suki and I had both fancied from the moment we first saw his photo on the internet a couple of weeks before he arrived in town with the rest of the company. I really liked him, and he appeared to be keen on me. But, to cut a long story short, my extreme shyness around attractive men ruined it for me. I acted like a right nervy weirdo when he was around and he ended up believing I wasn't interested. Next thing I knew he was with Tracy. In my eyes, Tracy was one of the ugliest girls alive with her huge ski snout, eyes which sloped down at the outer corners and big thick ankles. Her blonde and pink striped hair only served to draw attention to her faults. Men I fancied always seemed to choose strange looking women over me after my nerves put them off. I'm not sure whether the girls actually were that odd looking, or if I had some strange mental disorder which made all their worst features stand out, turning the girls into caricatures. Anyway, I'm glad I didn't get together with Ty, or I might never have been introduced to Nutty. I still found Ty attractive, but not half as gorgeous as my beautiful man.

Tracy kept staring over at me as the barman brought our fries. Then she came over and interrupted us as we were trying to eat. "Hi gals!" she said in her squeaky bimbo voice.

"Hi," Suki and I chorused flatly.

Tracy looked around the pub, then leaned in towards us and whispered, "Wanna come to a press night party? It's mostly for company and backstage staff, but Ty's allowed to bring friends. We thought you might like to join us." She fixed her gaze on me. "You can bring Nutty!"

"He's away making a video," I said proudly.

Tracy's face fell. "Oh. Never mind - you and Suki are both very welcome." She didn't sound very sincere. She was obviously a Nutty fan. I'd seen her narrowing her eyes at me jealously the night I met him at the party. The only reason she was asking us to tonight's party was in the hope of meeting Nutty and becoming his friend.

"Give us the details and we'll think about it," I said.

"It's at Dudley's place, starting at eleven o'clock," Tracy said with a smile. "Let us know. We can all walk together!" She tottered away in her Mini Mouse shoes and sat back down with Ty.

I frowned. "She's only inviting us coz she wants to meet Nutty."

Suki pulled a sad baby face. "Pweeeese!" she begged. "Don't you want to see inside Dudley's house?"

I thought about it for a few moments. It would be interesting to see the state of his house interior. Nutty was probably off partying with Miss Silky Pants anyway. Why should I sit around moping whilst he was having the time of his life?

"Oh, go on then!" I said. "Why not?"

"Yay!" Suki cheered. She caught Tracy's attention and stuck her thumb in the air, grinning brightly.

Tracy's face lit up as bright as a bloody campfire. If she thought I was now her friend and was going to return the favour by inviting her to showbiz parties with Nutty, she had another thing coming. She tottered over to our table, grinning like an idiot. "Let's finish our drinks and set off in about five. That OK?"

"Yeah - looking forward to it!" Suki said, beaming. "Thanks for inviting us!"

"Not at all!" Tracy squeaked. "You're my friends!"

I smiled falsely at Tracy, then began to worry again. Nutty had supposedly set off for Manchester sometime in the afternoon, ready to begin shooting the video tomorrow, but he hadn't called or texted me to say he'd arrived safely. I decided to send him a brief text: Hi gorgeous! I typed. Hope you got there safely. Can't wait to see you when you get back! XXX

I kept an eye on my phone as Suki bolted down her last few fries and guzzled the remains of her drink. Then I decided to stalk his Twitter account. The last entry had been written at twelve minutes past two: 'Travelling north to shoot the Rub-A-Dub-Dub video with the beautiful Miss Silky!'

"Just nipping to the loo," I said, rising to my feet. I dashed to the loo and sat in the cubicle stalking Miss Silky's Twitter. Her last entry was at eighteen minutes past five o'clock: 'Guess who I'm Rub-A-Dub-Dubbing with? Mr Bonkers'! I felt like I'd been punched in the chest by an iron fist. With shaking hands, I scrolled down the page, hoping to see pictures of a husband or boyfriend to put my mind at rest a little. Most of her entries were about her videos: 'Have you seen my beauty queen video?' 'Had such fun making this video.' 'Hope my mum doesn't see this one - it's rather naughty!' 'This has to be my fave so far!' What a bimbo, I thought. Then I came across a picture of a beautiful black guy. Beneath the pic was the caption 'I love Trevor soooooo much!' My heart leapt for joy, until I scrolled a little further down and found out Trevor was her twin. I scrolled down past more stupid videos and then found a photo of her hugging a handsome blonde bloke with the caption 'Jamie and I would like to announce our engagement.' I felt a bit better, but was still a little worried as the entry was almost a year old and, as far as I could see, there'd been no mention of him since.

Then Suki called, "Yazmin! Are you OK?"

I jumped. "Just a moment..." I swiftly emerged from the cubicle and told a little white lie. "Sorry I took so long. There was a queue."

"Are you ready to go then?" Suki asked excitedly.

"I'm ready to go!" I said, trying my best to look happy, although a very large part of me desperately wanted to jump in a cab and travel to Manchester to find out just what was going on between Miss Silky Knickers and my man.

We returned to the bar to find Ty and Tracy waiting for us with big cheesy grins plastered across their faces. Then the four of us made our way through the misty, lamplit streets to Dudley's house.

Chapter Six

The house looked very welcoming - a warm amber glow shone from the downstairs windows. Ty led the way up the drive and rapped on the front door which was promptly opened by Dudley. He stood there grinning at us in his blue checked shirt and black jeans.

"My first guests!" he bellowed theatrically. "Welcome!"

The door led straight into a large, dimly lit, brown-walled, open-plan area containing a large dining table and a huge, black, squishy, curved settee. On the right were wooden stairs and at the rear of the large area was a beautiful modern honey beige kitchen and patio doors. Wow! This wasn't at all what I was expecting as the house looked so ordinary from the outside. I was also surprised how spick and span the place looked. I was expecting a right dump. The walls were hung with gold discs and photographs. It looked gorgeous. Blaring out from four speakers high in each corner of the huge room was Dudley's own voice singing one of his hits - Kinky Cassandra.

Dudley led us to the kitchen area. "Help yourselves to drinks and nibbles!" he said, gesturing toward the kitchen bar.

I helped myself to a lemonade and a handful of salted peanuts. Everyone else had the sparkling wine and filled their paper plates with food. Suki and I walked around, browsing the framed photos as we sipped our drinks. These confirmed what I already knew - Dudley was in love with Dudley! He was in every single bloody photo and there must have been at least fifty of them in total - Dudley singing into the mic, Dudley playing guitar, Dudley shaking hands with royalty, Dudley with his ex-wife and kids, Dudley posing with the Mothballs cast, Dudley signing autographs ... His landlord wasn't going to be very happy with the state of the walls when he moved out. Then another Dudley song began playing. My guess was no other artists were going to get a look in, he'd be playing his own tunes until the last guest left.

Then some tarty blonde with a plastic surgery face arrived, followed by a large group of actors and a couple of backstage staff. Suki and I helped ourselves to another drink and sat down on the squishy black sofa whilst there was still room.

"Still not heard from Nutty?" Suki asked.

I took a gulp of lemonade. "I'm afraid not."

"I suppose he's busy making the video."

"Shooting doesn't start until tomorrow."

"Don't worry ..." she began, but then became distracted. She was staring at the main door, looking shocked.

Lighting technician Jim had arrived arm in arm with a plump, plain woman with a fringed brown bob. After Dudley greeted them, they strolled to the kitchen area, piled two plates ridiculously high with food and grabbed a can of lager each before sitting together at the dining table. They were all over each other. Then we noticed a wedding ring on her finger.

"Men, eh?" I said, flabbergasted.

Suki bowed her head. "I can't understand why he kept going out of his way to come through the office to see me if he wasn't interested."

"He's just a weirdo. You can do much better than that anyway. I don't know what you saw in the potato-headed freak."

Suki giggled. "Potato-headed! I guess you're right."

"That's the spirit!"

"But my parents always told me looks don't matter - it's what's inside that counts."

"Yeah - they're right, to a degree."

"What matters is that they're a nice person."

"Fair enough, but Jim's hardly a nice person - leading you on when he was happily married to plain Jane over there."

"True," Suki agreed.

Then Dudley's biggest ever hit - Summer Heat - began playing and half the room cheered then got up and danced, much to Dudley's delight. He wobbled his head cockily as he watched them making fools of themselves. I was very impressed with Carl Zimmerman's dancing though, considering the man was about eighty-years-old. He could still boogie better than some teenagers. And I laughed as I watched theatre manager Peter comically hand jiving with his boyfriend Larry. What a pair of characters! I was also surprised by Dudley. He was very well behaved for once - no roving eye and no chatting up or dancing with women. I wondered if he'd caught a sexually transmitted infection or something. Perhaps the encounter he'd had with Rose and her husband earlier that evening had shaken him.

Tracy tottered up to me. "Let's have a dance!" she said in her annoying, squeaky voice.

"I'm tired," I said. "I don't want to lose my seat."

"You sound like an old woman!" she squeaked, before dancing back to Ty, who was skanking around looking very drunk. He bumped into Dudley, spilling Dudley's drink. A few more people arrived and I noticed flabby Jim's wife was now sitting cosily on his knee. The pair of them looked in my direction. Not wanting him to think I was bothered, I quickly looked away and sipped my drink.

Then a group of boisterous young men arrived. I didn't recognise any of them from the theatre, but Dudley greeted them all with enthusiasm. Suki immediately straightened up, smiled and started grooming her hair with her fingers. The men cracked open a can of lager each and gathered together by the kitchen bar joking, laughing, shoving each other, guzzling their drinks and watching the ladies. Suki wasted no time, she stood up and made her way to the group, ignoring Jim and his wife as she passed them. I was left alone on the end of the sofa feeling like a spare part.

I took out my phone again, stalking social media and googling Nutty and Miss Silky for anything which might give something away. Then my phone died, so I was left twiddling my thumbs whilst Suki chatted up five men at once. I saw Jim looking. Good for her! One lad appeared to be particularly interested in her. The feeling seemed to be mutual and they chatted and laughed happily together for quite some time. The boy was stocky with short, wavy dark hair and above average looks. Not my type, but he looked much more suitable than some of the oddballs she'd fancied since I'd met her. Then Suki noticed me looking dejected and brought him over to meet me.

"This is Cliff!" she said, looking as though she'd just won the lottery.

"Very pleased to meet you!" Cliff said, shaking my hand vigorously. "Want some gum?"

"Don't mind if I do!" I said, reaching into the packet. Then there was a snapping sound. I jumped and winced in pain. The little sod had tricked me with one of those fake gum finger trap contraptions. I removed the thing from my finger and narrowed my eyes at the scoundrel.

"Gotcha!" Cliff grinned. "Have some real gum." He pulled another pack from his pocket.

"No thanks!" I said angrily.

He offered it to Suki, who took some - no finger trap this time, but I should have guessed what was coming next. Suki pulled a face, spat the gum out, and fanned her mouth, practically crying in pain.

"Greedy, greedy!" Cliff taunted. "Serves you right for taking my last gum."

Suki ran to the kitchen area and downed a glass of water. The bastard had pranked her with hot pepper gum. That gal really knew how to pick 'em!

She obviously forgave him though, as the pair then exchanged phone numbers before dancing together to another cheesy Dudley song called Travelling the World and Loving it. I'd have avoided him like the plague from then on. He seemed like a right childish git.

I checked my watch, it was half past midnight. I couldn't see any point in sitting there on my own feeling miserable any longer, so I approached Suki, explained my phone had died, and asked if she'd call a cab for me.

"Sure!" she said without a care.

She called the cab and I stood staring miserably out the window for ages as I waited for it to arrive. Then Tracy tapped me on the shoulder, making me jump.

"Ready to dance now?" she asked.

"I've got to be up early," I replied. "I'm waiting for a cab."

"Suit yourself," she squeaked. "Give my love to Nutty!"

"Will do," I said, not meaning one letter of it.

Finally, a pair of bright headlights appeared, beaming through the fog. I looked over at Suki. She was now kissing Cliff, so I left them to it and slipped out the door to the very weird sound of Dudley's We Walk Amongst Synthesizers, from the notoriously bad Plastic Automaton album - Dudley's first, and hopefully last, attempt to revive nineteen-eighties synth pop. I knew the tune well, as Mum and I had played the album about five times in a row for amusement over the internet only a couple of weeks previously.

As I got into the cab, a petite figure emerged from the house and waved wildly. The driver rolled down the window.

It was Suki. "Wait for me!" she shouted. She hopped inside. "Mind if I share?"

"Of course not," I said, glad she hadn't forgotten me. "You were snogging Cliff - I didn't like to interrupt."

"I was kissing him goodbye."

"Are you seeing him again?" I asked, as the taxi backed up Dudley's drive and set off.

"Yep!" she said excitedly. "I'll phone him tomorrow, if he doesn't ring me first."

"He seemed like bit of a nutter," I said. "What does he do?"

"Art student," Suki said proudly.

"Really?" I said as the taxi stopped at a set of traffic lights at the end of a road full of takeaway restaurants.

"And stop worrying about Nutty," Suki said. "I'm sure everything will be fine."

"Hope so," I said glumly.

The cab turned into my apartment block carpark. I opened my handbag.

"I'll pay!" Suki said. "You can buy me a coffee!"

"OK then. See you tomorrow!"

The driver waited until I got safely inside the building before zooming away. I climbed the stairs apprehensively, still worrying about Nutty and the tart. I stepped into the flat. Mum was asleep, snoring loudly. She'd left my bedroom light on for me. Quick as a flash, I plugged my charger into my phone. The second the phone came back to life, I went straight into Twitter. There were no new entries on Nutty's page and he hadn't sent me any texts or private messages. Then I stalked Miss Silky's page and my face fell in horror.

Chapter Seven

For a moment, I thought I was genuinely about to have a heart attack. On her page was a photo of her posing with Nutty outside what looked like a nightclub entrance. Above the photo, she had simply placed four emojis - a heart, a pair of kissy lips, a champagne glass, and a bunch of fucking flowers. I didn't like the way he appeared to be ogling her. I didn't like it one little bit.

Heart booming like it was trying to break out of my ribcage, I typed: What do you think you're playing at? I thought you were with me - not that tarty bitch!

Before I sent the text, I hesitated. Perhaps I was being too presumptuous. I didn't want to jeopardize my dream relationship. Was I just acting like a crazy stalker girlfriend? Realising there might be an innocent explanation for it all, I deleted my words, turned out the light and lay there taking deep breaths telling myself to relax - the explanation would come soon enough, and I might have been worrying unnecessarily. Then I popped up like an angry meerkat, reached for my phone, and scowled at the photo. I did the same thing half a dozen times before getting up and brewing myself a cup of herbal tea and forcing down a slice of toast. Surprisingly, I managed to drift off to sleep quite quickly. I woke around five o'clock and looked at my phone again. To my absolute and utter horror, another picture had appeared on her account - a pic of them posing with their faces pressed together. A girl called Tina had taken the pic and put it on her account with the caption 'Met this beautiful couple tonight,' and Miss Silky Knickers had retweeted it. Beautiful couple? Had they been acting like a couple then? Or perhaps she just meant couple as in a pair of people.

I decided to give Nutty one more chance, I sent him a text: Missing you. Worried as I haven't heard from you. Hope you're ok. Then I looked at Miss Silky's page again and realised I'd accidentally followed her, so I quickly unfollowed her before completely losing it and texting Nutty again: I'm sick of this fucking relationship. We've only just got together and you're causing me the worst stress ever. Auf Wiedersehen! Au revoir! Arrivederci! Fuck off! I pressed send, then lay back down feeling great relief and nodded off. I managed a bit of broken sleep until my sodding alarm clock sounded at seven-thirty.

After the usual coffee guzzling and other rituals, I bounced into the phone room a full ten minutes before the box office opened.

Suki didn't have her usual bright morning smile. She looked shocked.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Something terrible happened after we left the party last night."

My heart skipped a beat. "What happened?"

"Dudley's house was trashed by masked gatecrashers."

I wanted to laugh, but I just about managed to keep my face straight. "You're joking!"

Suki bowed her head. "I wish I was. It's awful. They handcuffed him to the bed and drew moustaches and stuff on his treasured framed pics and someone unplumbed his bath and slid down the stairs in it. The whole place is smashed up. They even raided his fridge and took his food. Worse than that - the reviews for The Mad Dentist aren't good."

Finding it impossible to keep my face straight any longer, I burst out laughing and the whole office followed.

"How did they manage to un-plumb his bath?" I asked.

"I don't know!" Suki replied. "Cliff is devastated for his dad."

I hesitated. "His dad?"

"Yeah - Cliff is Dudley's son"

"OMG! That explains why Dudley was on his best behaviour last night. So, his name's Cliff Mountain? Fancy calling your kid that!"

"I think it's a very manly name," Suki said.

"He must have been bullied at school."

"I doubt it," Suki said. "He probably went to school with other showbiz kids who had cool names too."

"Cliff Mountain isn't a cool name - it's stupid."

"You can't really say a lot when your man's called Nutty Bonkers, can you?"

I leaned towards her and whispered, "It's over between Nutty and me - I sent him a text."

"You sent your dream man and favourite star a text dumping him? That is so whack!"

"He cheated on me."

"Really?"

"Looks like it," I said, pulling out my phone. "Take a look for yourself."

Suki's eyes almost popped out of her head. "Wow! He's bisexual."

"W-what?" I stuttered. I snatched my phone back, brain spinning like a Catherine wheel.

I looked at the photo Suki was referring to - a smiling Nutty stood next to a handsome blonde bloke I'd seen somewhere before. Above it was the caption 'Had a fab night out last night with the gorgeous Nutty Bonkers and my handsome fiancé Jamie.'

"Oh my God - so she's still with her fiancé!" I gasped. "Oh Suki, what have I done?"

I held back tears as the phones began flashing. I didn't want anyone else to find out what had happened. I didn't want them to know I'd been so stupid.

Reluctantly, I answered several phone calls, all from miserable gits, before Kalisha called me over to her desk.

"Dudley's on the line for you," she said.

Trembling, I made my way over to the desk and picked up the phone. "Hello," I whispered nervously.

"Yazmin?" came Dudley's voice.

"Yes."

"Hiya Yaz! Message from Nutty - he's had his phone stolen. Could you give me your number and I'll pass it to him?"

I hesitated. Did I really want to give Dudley Mountain my number? What if he started sending me lewd texts in the night? Then I realised I could always change it if the beastly bastard gave me trouble. My mind suddenly went blank and couldn't remember it, so I turned to Suki. "What's my number?" I asked.

"I'm going to have to put you on hold for a second," said Suki, lying to a customer. "My computer's frozen." She picked up her mobile, scrolled down the contacts list and scribbled my number down on a scrap of paper.

I thanked her and read the number out to Dudley.

"Aww! Thanks Yazmin!" he said. "Nutty's really missing you. I'm like a little cupid, I am - introducing him to his dream girl!"

I wanted to cry, I kept thinking how beautiful Nutty was - his cute dreadlocks, his gorgeous eyes, his sexy smile. I couldn't believe I'd ended my dream relationship. What the hell was wrong with me?

"Oh," I added. "Really sorry to hear about your house."

"My house?" Dudley replied, sounding puzzled.

"I heard your house got trashed."

"What the fuck? My home in London?"

"No - the house you held the party in last night - Suki told me it got smashed up."

"Suki? Oh - it'll be one of Cliff's little jokes. He's a right character he is. That's his best one yet!" Dudley laughed heartily.

"Oh," I replied.

"What exactly did he say?"

"He said people vandalised your photos and stuff, and someone unplumbed your bath and slid down the stairs in it."

"Unplumbed the bath?" Dudley laughed. "He's awesome, my son is. Fantastic stuff!" Still laughing, he hung up without saying goodbye.

I turned to Suki. "Are you sure you want a date with Cliff?"

"Yes - he's gorgeous and, believe it or not, his mum comes from Kyoto in Japan - same as my parents!"

"Apparently, the trashed house thing was a joke!"

"Joke?"

"Yeah - I've just spoken to Dudley. The house is fine."

"But Cliff sounded genuinely upset."

"He's obviously a better actor than his dad then."

Suki couldn't quite take in the news. "But I've been so sad about it. Are you sure ...?"

"Dudley said his house is fine. He was laughing about it. Hasn't Cliff got a sister?"

"Yes - she's our age."

"Has she got a stupid name too?"

"I think her name is rather sweet," Suki said. "It's mountain related too - take a guess."

"Oh God!" I said. "Volcano Mountain?"

Suki shook her head. "Nope!"

"Table Mountain?"

"Guess again."

"Mount Fuji?"

"Wrong!"

"Mountain Goat?"

Suki laughed. "Nope!"

"I give up then."

"Edelweiss - it's a flower that grows in the mountains."

"I know what edelweiss is!" I said. "Edelweiss Mountain? Poor kid!"

"It's a beautiful name!" Suki protested. "And Edelweiss is such a sweet song - I bet Dudley used to sing it to her as he rocked her to sleep."

"Anyway, remember that time we heard him boasting to fans about his money a couple of months ago? Now you can find out if he really owns a Ferrari!"

"I thought about that myself," Suki said. "But I don't know how to ask without sounding like a gold digger."

"When you see a car, just mention casually you've never seen his dad drive and see what he says. If he says he does drive you can ask what car."

"I'll try."

Then Kalisha interrupted us. "There are calls waiting to be answered girls!"

Reluctantly, I answered the next call and then wished I hadn't. It was from a stupid woman who'd gathered a group of seven friends to come and see The Mad Dentist for her birthday. This would have been fine had she arranged it several months in advance. The problem was she wanted the tickets for Friday's performance which had been sold out for a long time. She couldn't understand why I was unable to conjure up tickets out of thin air for her.

"Surely you can do something for me - it's my sixtieth and we're all huge Dudley Mountain fans."

"It's been sold out for months," I said. I wasn't going to apologise - it was her stupid fault.

"What the hell am I supposed to do now?" she snapped. "I've taken the money from my friends."

I ended up suggesting she invite her friends for a birthday party to play Dudley music on Friday whilst they all found a date they could make to see the play sometime the following year.

"So I don't get to see Dudley on my sixtieth birthday?" she wailed.

"No," I said, holding back a giggle. "Not unless you come and stand outside the stage door after the show. You might get an autograph ..."

"I live over a hundred miles away!" she cried, before bursting into tears and slamming the phone down.

I didn't want to be here at work, I needed to be sorting things out with Nutty. Between calls from disappointed Dudley fans, snobs, fools and grumpy old buggers, I thought about my situation and decided to tell Nutty a little white lie. I would say some jealous girl borrowed my phone and sent the malicious text and that it happened at a party I went onto after I left Dudley's place. I was now beginning to see the bright and beautiful light at the end of the tunnel. Just as I was thinking about this, a text came through. Hi Yaz! It's Nutty here. Wassup? Lost phone - think it was nicked. If you need me, contact me on this number - it's Jamie's phone - he's Miss Silky's fella. Won't be back on old number till home - gonna have replacement sim mailed. Missing you sweetheart. Can't wait to see you again xxx

I wanted to reply, but I couldn't be seen to be texting whilst every phone line was constantly flashing. I'd have to wait. I felt a million times happier and answered each call with a smile on my face. I just hoped Nutty would fall for my little white lie.

At lunchtime, I crossed my fingers and sent the text: Hi! It's Yazmin here for Nutty. You may find a malicious text which appears to be from me when you get your sim. Ignore - jealous drunken bitch used my phone. Will explain. Just starting lunch. Enjoy the filming. Can't wait to see you when you get back x Then I sighed with relief. I still had butterflies in my stomach though, and couldn't manage to eat a full sandwich.

I briefed Suki on the little white lie and she was happy to back me up.

"I just hope Nutty falls for it," I said to her, swallowing down a lump in my throat.

Chapter Eight

I returned home to an empty flat that evening. Mum had gone back to our old town for a meal with friends. I opened a tin of soup and was just eating it cold, straight from the can, when my phone rang. The call was from Miss Silky's fiancé's phone.

Trembling, I pressed the answer button and said, "Hello."

"Hiya beautiful!" said Nutty's voice. "Wassup?"

"Hi!" I said, trying to disguise the butterflies in my stomach. "I'm just eating soup."

"I'll keep it brief then," he said. "What's this about the malicious text?"

"Oh," I answered, trying to keep my voice steady. "I went to a press night party at Dudley's last night. Then I went onto another party and this weird girl asked to borrow my phone and she sent a nasty text saying I was dumping you." I gulped hard. I wasn't the best liar. "Anyway, I've deleted it."

"Bitch!" Nutty said angrily. "Best programme me into your phone as someone else. Give me a female name - that'll fool 'em. Not that you should be lending your phone to strangers."

I laughed nervously, still not sure I sounded convincing. "What shall I call you?"

"Call me Hyacinth!" he said. I could hear people laughing in the background.

"Hyacinth it is then!"

"Hey!" he added. "Say hi to Miss Silky."

My breathing became heavy as he passed the phone to the sex goddess.

"Hi Yazmin!" came Miss Silky's famously smooth voice. "And what are you up to this evening?"

"Eating soup," I replied.

She laughed loudly. "Sounds like you lead a very interesting life!" She sounded drunk.

"Yeah," I answered, too nervous to think of anything clever.

"Look forward to meeting you soon! Say hi to Jamie."

She passed the phone to her fiancé Jamie, who passed it to some Jamaican bloke, who passed it to some awful giggly girl, who passed it to some creepy sounding chap. The phone was passed around to something like half a dozen drunkards, all wanting to say hello. I didn't have much to say to any of them, but I guess it didn't matter as they sounded so drunk they probably wouldn't remember anyway.

Then, at last, the phone was passed back to Nutty. "Well, I'll leave you to finish your soup. Speak tomorrow."

"Have you finished making the video?" I asked.

"Yeah darling - you'll love it."

"Can't wait!"

"Love you!" Nutty said.

I gasped. Did Nutty Bonkers just say he loved me? I stayed silent.

"You still there Yaz?"

"What did you say?" I whispered.

"I said I love you."

"Do you mean me?"

"Well, I'm not talking to the invisible fucking man, am I?" He laughed and all his drunken friends joined in.

"Wow!" I breathed nervously. "Love you too."

"That's good to hear."

"Well, have a good evening."

"You too, gorgeous girl. Goodnight."

"Night sweetheart."

I jumped to my feet fast as a rocket shouting, "Nutty Bonkers loves me!" As I did so, I knocked over the can I was eating from and spicy parsnip soup splattered all over the white tiles above the kitchen bar. It looked just like someone had projectile vomited yellow puke on them. There were splashes on my new lilac top too. I cleaned up the mess then swiftly undressed and threw my clothes into the washing machine before spending the evening watching one of my favourite old movies - Dr. Terror's House of Horrors.

The next day felt very strange. Nutty Bonkers had told me he loved me, so I should have been floating on cloud nine. Instead, my stomach was knotted with apprehension. It was the day Nutty was due to travel home from Manchester. He'd probably arrive at the flat to find his replacement sim and read the goodbye text message I'd sent him. I think I'd done a reasonably good job of covering up the fact I wrote it myself, but Nutty wasn't daft and I was frightened something might go wrong.

The day was also full of incidents - the ticket printer kept jamming, the office kettle stopped working, and the computers went down for half an hour during which time a slate blew off a roof, narrowly missing Kalisha as she made her way back from The Sesame Bap carrying coffees for everyone.

Within five minutes of arriving home, Nutty called. He'd obviously received his replacement sim card. My stomach lurched. I couldn't bring myself to answer the call in case he'd seen the message and didn't believe my story.

"Aren't you going to answer that phone?" Mum called from the kitchen.

"Nah," I said. "It's a marketing call - I can tell by the number."

"Fair enough sweetie."

I put my phone on silent. Then it vibrated. Nutty had left a message. I listened nervously.

"Hiya Yaz!" He sounded very upbeat. "Didn't go for the replacement sim in the end. Got myself a brand new Samsung on contract - my number's just been transferred! Don't forget the video shoot tomorrow. Phone me when you can. Love you!"

I breathed a sigh of relief and phoned him straight back. We chatted for ages and he made no mention of the text.

Minutes after I put the phone down, I received a text from Suki: Cliff and I on date at the Royal Hotel - it's beautiful here. Ordered designer quinoa burger with sides. Cliff is gorgeous. I think I've found my future husband.

I laughed to myself. Future husband? She hadn't known the lad two seconds. And what the heck was a designer quinoa burger? Most probably exactly the same as an ordinary quinoa burger with the word designer added in order to treble the price.

I reluctantly replied to her text with: Good luck! Have a fab time.

I shouldn't have encouraged her. She then sent another text describing the hotel and what Cliff was wearing, including his shoes.

I replied with: Concentrate on your date if you want to see him again. It can't look good sat there texting your friends. My battery is low anyway, and I'm still looking for my charger. Enjoy your date.

I'm concentrating on him too! Suki replied.

Without hesitating, I texted Nutty saying I was turning my phone off due to Suki's annoying texts and gave him Mum's number in case he needed to contact me. I switched the phone off and enjoyed a microwave meal. Then went to bed and had a nightmare in which Cliff pranked my mum with the hot pepper chewing gum and she had a severe allergic reaction and died. I really believed she was dead in the dream. It was horrible.

Chapter Nine

I woke the next morning relieved to hear the sound of my very much alive mother singing out of tune in the shower. A gentle yellow sun streamed in as I pulled apart my bedroom curtains. Life felt good again. But then I turned on my phone and froze in horror. There were three missed calls from Suki and two texts. The first text said: Had to cut date short - Gran and Max are missing. Can you and your mum help us look for them? The second text said: They've been gone over an hour now and it's very cold outside. Hope you find your charger so you can see this. There were no further texts.

Suki's gran had dementia and Max was her little brown corgi cross rescue dog. The pair had recently come to live with Suki and her family as her gran was no longer able to look after herself.

Hands trembling, I phoned her. The phone went to voicemail.

I left a brief message. "Oh Suki. So sorry. Have they been found yet?"

Five minutes went by and she didn't reply. I hoped it was because all was well and she was now at work as scheduled. I just hoped her family weren't sat down with police at this very moment receiving terrible news. I tried Kalisha's line, but it was constantly engaged, so I took a shower, keeping my phone in the bathroom hoping Suki would phone with some good news. Straight after the shower, I tried Kalisha's line again and was thankfully told Suki's gran and Max had been found safe and well by the police not far from home. She said Suki was at work and in good spirits. As I was talking to her, Suki sent a text confirming the same thing. She said the pair had got out when her mum lay down in her reclining chair for a much needed rest and fell asleep, and that they were now at home being spoilt!

Later that day, Mum and I put on our very best make-up, jumped in the car, picked Suki up and travelled to Battersea for the Fun video shoot. I got my usual tight chest and sweaty hands as we sped along the motorway. At least Mum stayed in the slow lane as much as possible, but I still went stiff with terror every time I noticed cars about to join the motorway from the slip roads and Mum had to move to the middle lane to avoid them. I sat in the back which felt just a little better than being in the front, although I was frightened some idiot might get distracted and drive into the back of our car. Suki went on and on about her date with Cliff for most of the journey, which did nothing to calm my nerves. Being shut in the car with an incessant talker made me feel claustrophobic. We were glad the date had been cut short, otherwise she'd have had even more to say.

"He's so funny!" she said with a laugh. "There was never a dull moment on the date. I went to sprinkle salt on my chips and the bottom of the shaker fell out and I got a whole shaker full of salt on my plate and I had to scrape all the salt off. He'd unscrewed the bottom as a joke! When I went to the loo, a woman pointed out I had a 'watch out - there's a mad woman about' sticker on my back. Then he put Tabasco sauce in my cola and I nearly died!"

"I'd have dumped him there and then," Mum said. "He sounds awful."

"He's funny!" Suki giggled. "I really like him. It's a new experience for me - I've never been out with a practical joker before."

"You're gonna be a nervous wreck by the end of that relationship," I warned her.

Suki giggled as though I was joking. I was convinced she was only putting up with his vile antics because he was Dudley's son and her mum and gran had been Dudley fans for many years.

"Did you ask about the Ferrari?" I asked keenly.

"Yes! Cliff said his dad failed his driving test twelve times before giving up. He has no car."

"Lying leech!" I exclaimed, screwing up my face in disgust.

"Cliff mentioned his dad had an unscrupulous manager for a couple of years. He ripped Dudley off. He's not badly off - but things could have been better for him. He likes to make out he's better off than he is because he doesn't want anyone to know what happened."

Mum and I were very relieved to get out of the car when we arrived in Battersea. We stepped into the abandoned warehouse and were immediately greeted by Nutty and several of the production crew. Stood around were five young boys in baseball caps, plus a dozen girls. I expected Nutty to introduce me to everyone as his girlfriend. Instead, he just rubbed his hands together and said, "Right, I think that's everyone now. Let's get started!"

"OK guys," said the director - a thirty-something male with long strawberry blonde hair and a cute little pointedgoatee beard. "I'm very proud to be the newest recruit to the Mingin Media group and thrilled to be directing Nutty's Fun video. Let's hope we all have fun making it, eh? Who's already heard the song?" Nutty and I were the only two to raise our hands. The girls all narrowed their eyes bitchily at me. The director laughed. "Glad you know your own tune, Mr. Bonkers! Right we're gonna play the tune now whilst Nutty hands out the masks."

Suki, Mum and I exchanged horrified looks as another crew member handed a bunch of plastic masks to Nutty. So, we'd put on our most stunning make-up only to be told we had to cover our faces with masks? I was devastated. It seemed Nutty was still hiding me away from the world.

The first mask he picked was a leopard. Nutty looked around and decided to hand it to a tall blonde girl who'd been flaunting herself at him. I wasn't sure whether he'd given her a mask first because he fancied her, or whether he was glad to cover her face - she had badly pencilled on eyebrows. If I was going to be stupid enough to shave my brows and replace them with drawn on ones, I hope I'd have at least done it properly. This girl had drawn two thin, straight black lines, giving her a highly comical appearance. It looked as though she'd balanced a ruler across her nose to get them dead straight. She must have been a few bars short of a symphony to do that to her face. Nutty considered each person carefully before he gave them their mask. As he handed them out, I felt like my heart was beating in my throat. We were amongst the last to receive our masks - a panda for Suki, a zebra for Mum and, to my absolute and utter horror, a scary clown mask for me! A few tears fell behind the mask as I put it on, but then I thought perhaps Nutty was very fond of scary clowns. Perhaps that mask was his favourite.

The strawberry blonde director spoke again. "OK folks! Now we're gonna hand out the balloons." Several crew members gave each cast member a couple of balloons each. "Right, we're ready to begin. Who's excited? Show of hands please!" I half-heartedly raised my right arm and quickly dropped it again. "OK," the man continued. "Nutty's gonna mime to the track and I want you all to play around with the balloons behind him - dancing and clowning around and stuff. You can hit each other lightly with them - try not to burst them."

We all messed around, as instructed, as Nutty acted all silly for the camera, leaping around, pulling silly faces, standing in strange postures and generally acting like an idiot. I was so embarrassed I began to think it was just as well he hadn't introduced me to anyone as his girlfriend. Someone whacked me on the head hard with a balloon. I turned around. It was Eyebrow Bitch's friend - a silly little dark-haired girl in a green witch mask. I elbowed her in the shoulder.

The tune finished and the director spoke again. "Now I'd like you all to form a queue and then take it in turns to run towards the camera. Do whatever you like - blow the camera a kiss, wave, throw your arms wide open, jump in the air or whatever. No rude gestures though - or you'll be thrown off the set!"

We all lined up. Our little group were about half way back. As our turns came, Suki blew the camera a kiss, Mum tripped, recovered herself, then put her hand to her zebra mask and giggled. My mind just went blank with nerves, so I zoomed up to the camera with aeroplane arms, stood there still for a moment and then walked off.

Then we were filmed all leaping in the air at the same time. Then everyone had to kick their legs up can-can style. Then we stood changing poses several times, looking as silly as possible, as instructed.

The last part was when the females were told to unmask. We were then filmed individually ballroom dancing with Nutty. It was a shame this part of the video hadn't been filmed first as our make-up was no longer looking its best. Eyebrow Bitch's eyebrows had been badly smudged by her mask. She made a right fool of herself, gazing into his eyes the whole time she danced with him. Nutty somehow managed to gaze back at her without laughing at her face. Suki and Mum looked as though they had fun dancing with Nutty, but I was a bundle of nerves.

As filming finished, the director said, "That's it folks! Thanks for coming and hopefully you'll all enjoy watching yourselves in a few weeks' time. Watch Nutty's Twitter and Mingin Media's Twitter or Facebook for details! Thank you all for coming - safe journey home!"

Nutty mingled with us all for a short time, giving our little group no special attention. Eyebrow Bitch and her friends kept hanging around him like an awful stink, giggling falsely every time he spoke.

"I think we'd better go," Mum said. "We don't want to be tired for work in the morning." She was right, of course. She looked exhausted and she had to drive a fair distance in the dark to get us home. Nevertheless, I delayed the journey until Eyebrow Bitch and her friends had all gone.

I sulked all the way home. I was going out with my idol Nutty Bonkers and I'd just made a video with him. I should have been over the moon. Instead, all I could think about was the fact I was treated just like everyone else at that video shoot. He'd failed to introduce me as his girlfriend to the cast and crew. Why was he hiding me away from the world instead of proudly showing me off? I felt I was being treated like crap. At least these thoughts distracted me a little from the fact we were riding on a motorway.

When we reached home, Mum made beans on toast, but I wasn't hungry. I was on one serious downer. I decided to text Suki: Hi. Feel crap. I know I should be thrilled to be with Nutty, but instead I'm depressed. He didn't introduce me to anyone tonight and I don't think I can trust him as far as I can throw him. That tune isn't exactly his best, either - it keeps going through my head and giving me nausea. Sorry Suki but I'm just feeling so depressed. Can you phone for a quick chat?

I changed into my nightclothes and began to remove my make-up. Then the phone rang but it wasn't Suki - it was Nutty. I almost let it go to answerphone, but then decided to pick up the call. At least he was phoning me and not Eyebrow Bitch.

"Hiya!" I said brightly.

He didn't speak for a moment, but then he said, "Well, well, well ..."

I froze. I could tell by the tone in his voice that I hadn't sent that text to Suki - I'd sent it to him.

Chapter Ten

I gulped. There was no way out of this one, short of finding some magic clock which could turn back time.

"Well?" he asked.

"I've just been depressed ..."

"So you've gone off my music and I'm not to be trusted, eh?" He sounded hurt and angry. "Geez! What more can I say? Sorry it didn't work out." He terminated the call.

I stared at my phone, then I stared at his posters, then I lay down and stared at the ceiling feeling like I'd just been hit by a speeding bus and hurled into the air. Sleep didn't happen that night.

Three miserable days passed, during which time I kept up a brave face at work, confiding only in Mum and Suki about what had happened. They both thought I was crazy.

"How can being with your favourite star be depressing?" Mum asked angrily. "Going out with your favourite star is something most of us can only dream of."

"I can't believe you blew it with Nutty," Suki said unsympathetically.

I sent Nutty several 'sorry' texts and tried phoning him numerous times, but I was ignored.

On Saturday morning, I woke feeling like I couldn't face the world and contemplated phoning in sick. But then I decided I wasn't going to feel any better moping about at home, so I set out to face the day, getting a lift from Mum. At ten to nine, I entered the theatre, stomped miserably up the depressingly grey concrete stairs and strode into the phone room, still just about managing to keep up the brave face. I still hoped things would somehow be alright again.

I walked through the door to find Suki, Dana, Rose, Kalisha and Mike gathered around Suki's mobile watching a video. As soon as they saw me, they all looked up and stared. Confused, I stared back.

Then Suki spoke. "Have you seen the Nutty Plonker footage?"

I didn't reply. Why were they calling him Nutty Plonker? I wondered for a moment if I was in the middle of some peculiar dream.

"What's wrong with Nutty?" Dana asked. "Is he on drugs?"

Still unable to speak, I just stood there open-mouthed hoping I was right about it being a dream. I certainly felt like I was in some weird dreamlike state.

"He was drunk onstage last night," Suki said. "Dana's daughter found this video on Twitter this morning under the nuttyplonker hashtag."

We sat down together and she showed me the two-minute footage of Nutty staggering about onstage at some club, dressed only in his boxer shorts, trainers and a beanie hat, forgetting half the words to Hi-Five - one of his best tunes. Then he fell sideways off the stage and could be heard crying and cursing before the filming ceased.

I looked at Suki. "Oh my God!"

"At least it shows he thought a lot about you for it to affect him like this," she whispered. "Perhaps there's still hope."

"He's ignored all my texts and calls," I replied. "I don't know what else I can do. Perhaps something else has upset him."

Suki laughed. "I doubt it Yazmin. Looks to me like you've really hurt him."

I ended up explaining the situation to the office, who all thought I was a total wacko.

I woke up the following morning to a horrible, grey, rainy day which did nothing to help my depression. At least it was Sunday, so I wouldn't have to face everyone at work. There was also the slim hope Nutty might get in touch, but he could have his pick of girls, so the chance seemed very slim. I felt like the biggest idiot on the planet for having been stupid enough to send that text to him in error.

The morning was brightened just a little when I received a phone call from Suki.

"Hiya!" she said excitedly. "You know that empty shop at the far end of the High Street?"

"That ghastly depressing looking place with the posters stuck all over the windows?"

"That's it. Well, Mum's just shown me a flyer. It's been turned into a psychic shop with a café inside! Fancy a coffee?"

"Today?" I asked hopefully.

"Yeah - shall I pop round in about forty-five mins?"

"That'd be fab!" I said, cheering up a little. "Look forward to it!"

She arrived slightly earlier than expected and we strode into town through spitting rain. I gasped in delight as I saw the new shop for the first time. The formerly dark and depressing place now looked bright, sparkly and exciting. The wooden window and door frames had been painted a lovely shade of purple and the windows were full of all manner of mysterious and wonderful things.

Suki went ahead of me and opened the door. Inside was like an Aladdin's cave of treasures. The lilac walls were lined with shelves containing books, baskets of crystals, tarot decks, spell kits, incense sticks, tie-dye scarves and all sorts of interesting stuff. In the centre was a table draped in a black cloth and lain with mystical pewter and diamond figures - elves, wizards, fairies and dragons. Close to the window were two stands of new age greetings cards.

Behind the counter stood an old, pale, eccentric-looking lady with pencilled on eyebrows and a big puff of orange hair. "Welcome!" she said warmly, gazing at us with a big smile plastered across her wrinkly face. She seemed very nice, although I found her demeanour a little frightening.

"Hiya!" Suki said. "Is the café open?"

"Indeed it is!" said the old lady, leading us through a beaded curtain at the back of the shop. "Welcome to The Fortune Café!"

The sight took our breath away. The café was beautiful. Its deep purple walls were decorated with golden suns, silver moons, and brass zodiac signs. The dozen or so tables were draped with purple star-speckled cloths. A dark wood counter full of domed cakes stood on the left. Behind it was a gleaming coffee machine and a huge blackboard price-list with the menu painted on in an array of pastel colours.

"Wow!" Suki gasped. "This is beautiful. I can't believe we're the only customers!"

"We only opened yesterday," the lady said. "It was almost full at one point yesterday morning. Give it time ..."

"We'll certainly tell everyone about it!" Suki said. "We work at the theatre. My mum and gran will love it here too!"

"That's very kind," the lady said sweetly. "Thank you for that. I feel your gran isn't too well nowadays, at least with regards to her mind."

Suki looked taken aback. "How do you ...?"

"I'm a medium and clairvoyant. She's in good hands anyway - your family are doing a wonderful job."

Suki's jaw dropped in amazement.

I was hoping the clairvoyant would have something positive to say about Nutty and me, but then a young, dark-haired girl dressed all in black entered the café.

"This is Tabitha - my granddaughter," the old lady said, gesturing toward the girl. "She'll be happy to serve you. Oh, and I'm Esmerelda - the owner."

"Nice to meet you both," Suki said, as I stood behind her, grinning.

We studied the blackboard and browsed the cakes.

"They're all lovely," Tabitha said. "Mum and I baked them. They're very healthy - no animal products."

"Perfect!" Suki said. "I'll have Merlin cake and a large black Americano please."

"Certainly!" Tabitha said, starting the coffee grinder.

"I'll have a large black coffee too," I said. "And Carob Zodiac cake."

"Coming right up!" said Tabitha. "Take a seat."

We chose a table in the centre of the back wall, then Tabitha brought everything over.

"Oh my goodness, thank you!" Suki exclaimed. "I love it here!"

"Enjoy!" Tabitha said.

"We will," I replied, tucking into my Zodiac cake. The cake was second to none - velvety smooth and chocolatey.

"Can I try a bit?" Suki asked. I gave her a small chunk and she let me try some of her Merlin cake - a light and delicious layered cake with blackcurrant jam and purple icing. "These are the best cakes ever!" she said. "So, I take it you've heard no more from Nutty."

I bowed my head. "No. I guess it's over."

"It's only been a few days," Suki said. "You never know ..."

"I think I've definitely blown it," I moaned. "He can have his choice of girls."

"But you saw the footage. He's obviously sad about it. How about sending him a text?"

"I've already sent him half a dozen and tried to phone but he's ignored me. Mum said I've got more chance if I leave him alone. She thinks bombarding him will make things even worse."

"Yeah - I guess she has a point," Suki said. "Anyway, perhaps you should wait a couple of days and then try again. Don't go over the top - just say you saw the video and you were concerned about him."

"I'll keep that in mind," I said. "Won't it look a bit obvious though? I don't know what to do."

"He looked really heartbroken in the video - you need to take positive action."

Something lit up inside me, but I said nothing. I still wasn't sure what to do. Perhaps staying silent for a while would be best.

"Thanks for bringing me here, anyway," I said. "It's cheered me up a bit."

Suki grinned. "Fab, isn't it?"

Then, a snooty-looking middle-aged woman entered the café with her nose in the air and snapped her fingers at Tabitha, who was filling in paperwork with her back to the seating area.

Startled at the rude behaviour, Tabitha turned around.

"Small hazelnut Americano!" the woman said rudely. "And make it snappy - I haven't got long." The bitch didn't even say please.

"Certainly!" Tabitha said with a smile.

Suki and I looked at each other in disbelief.

"If that was me," I whispered. "I'd have refused to serve that scum."

"Me too," Suki replied furiously.

The woman turned around and looked at us. We scowled at her, but the disgusting bitch just looked through us.

I took a gulp of coffee, then turned back to Suki. "How's Cliff?" I asked. "I hope he hasn't played anymore horrid pranks on you."

"One or two," Suki said with a cheeky glint in her eye. "An ice cube down my back and a plastic spider in my handbag."

"That's vile!"

"It was only a bit of fun," Suki said, as though she couldn't understand what the fuss was about. Then she finished her coffee, made a funny little yelping sound and stared into her mug, eyes big as satellite dishes.

"Are you OK?" I asked, thinking Cliff must have somehow sneaked in with another toy spider when we were distracted and put it in her mug.

The snobby woman turned around and stared disapprovingly.

"What a surprise!" Suki said. "There's a fortune written in the bottom of my mug!"

"A fortune?"

Suki giggled. "It says I'm going to be rich!"

I took a look. "So it does - hope it comes true!" I quickly finished my own coffee and my heart warmed as I read my fortune out loud, "Lucky in love!"

"I told you!" Suki exclaimed.

I smiled. "Shall we take a look around the shop when we've finished? Might find a couple of Christmas presents."

"Good idea," Suki agreed.

Then we saw the snobby woman sip down the last dregs of her coffee and gasp in horror.

Tabitha winked at Suki and I as the snob slammed down her mug and fled the shop. Suki and I raced to the table and almost bumped heads as we read the message in the mug together. 'Beware Misfortune.'

The three of us giggled.

Then Esmerelda appeared again. "Which mug did you give the vile hag?"

"This one!" Tabitha said, handing it to her.

Esmerelda laughed. "Well done!"

"Great way to weed out undesirable customers," Suki said.

"Fantastic idea!" I said. "I love this place."

"The idea came to me in a dream twenty years ago," Esmerelda said proudly. "It's great to finally be able to put it into practice."

Again, I hoped she might give me some psychic insight into my situation with Nutty, but she didn't say anything.

We paid our bill and stepped back into the shop. I was very tempted by a love spell in a pouch. Then I spotted a beautiful deck of Tarot cards. I picked them up in delight, but put them back when I noticed the extortionate thirty-five pound price tag.

"Might come back and have a look after payday," I said.

"Good idea," Suki agreed.

We stepped outside. The rain was now coming down in sheets. By the time I reached home, I was drenched. I threw my clothes in the washing machine and jumped into the shower. As I stood beneath the warm water jets, I began to wish I'd suggested going to Suki's. I'd bought her a set of Tarot cards for her birthday back in October. I could have asked them a few questions about my future with the love of my life. Then I had an idea. If Suki wouldn't mind, I could phone her with a couple of questions and ask her to draw some cards for me.

After drying myself, I slipped into a warm dressing gown and roughly dried my hair. Then I phoned Suki.

"Hiya!" she said.

"Hi Suki," I said slowly. "I wonder if you could do me a bit of a favour."

"Maybe!" she replied. "What is it?"

"I'd like a quick phone Tarot reading, if you can spare a few minutes. I'm desperate to get Nutty back. I just hoped the cards might say something positive to cheer me up."

"Sure!" Suki said. "I'm just eating. I'll phone you in fifteen."

"Great!" I said. "Thank you."

"No problem."

My appetite still wasn't great, but I managed to eat a small sandwich, then waited for Suki's call. Fifteen minutes passed, then twenty, then thirty and still no word from her. She finally phoned me a full three quarters of an hour later.

"Sorry Yazmin. I've looked everywhere. The cards are missing. Gran's dementia makes her take things and hide them all the time. I think she believes she's putting them in a safe place, but she has almost no short-term memory now so never has any idea she's even taken them. They're nowhere to be seen. I think I'll have to get a lock on my bedroom door."

My heart sank. "Never mind," I said sadly. "How is your Gran now?"

"Not good, I'm afraid. Looking after her is really exhausting for Mum. We're really worried."

"Sorry to hear that."

"It's dreadful. Anyway, Dad and I are going to help a bit more to take some of the strain off Mum, and we've got a meeting with a carer support woman just after Christmas. We're hoping to get someone in to help Gran get washed and dressed in the morning, at very least, so Mum can wake up and feel she can face the day."

"Good you're taking positive action - your Mum must be feeling a little better knowing more help is just around the corner."

"Yeah. She was crying this morning, but she seems much happier now. Anyway, there are some free tarot sites out there you can try. I'll send you the links to a couple. Sorry about the cards - I just hope she hasn't thrown them out with the rubbish!"

"Me too. Thanks."

"Let me know how you get on with the sites. You're not going to take them too seriously though, are you?"

"No. I just don't know where to turn or what to do, I thought the Tarot might just help me feel better somehow."

"Good luck then!"

"Thanks!"

I chose a site with simple yes or no answers. I asked four questions - Does Nutty love me? Is he seeing anyone else? Will we get married? Will we both be mega famous? The answers were all negative. I soon lost interest in the site. Time would tell if these answers were right, so I jotted them down in my diary for future reference and told Suki, who replied she'd asked questions about Cliff and all the answers had been really positive. Apparently, they were getting married, having two children and would always be rich and happy and never divorce. Life was going to be all lovely and sunny for them, and they'd live happily ever after. I noted her results in my diary too!

Chapter Eleven

I felt extremely depressed as Thursday dawned. It was now a week since I'd inadvertently sent Nutty the text and, being my day off, I had plenty of time to mope around and dwell on my sorrows. It was another horrid, gloomy, grey day, which didn't help. I felt positively desperate.

Much to my surprise, it stopped raining at lunchtime and the sun came out, which cheered me up a little. I looked up into the sky and saw the most beautiful, vibrant rainbow ever. Call me mad, but I took this as a sign to text Nutty. After all, the rainbow might be visible in Skindlesworth too. When my text arrived with the rainbow, he might take this as a sign all would be great from now on. I had no idea whether a rainbow is visible for one mile or a million miles, but I could only try, and this felt like the perfect time. I had nothing to lose. I picked up my phone and, following Suki's recommendation, typed: Hi. Have just seen the footage of you at the weekend. I'm worried about you. Hope you're ok sweetheart x. I checked it over. It seemed OK so I pressed send swiftly so Nutty would receive it before the rainbow faded.

Friday was my most miserable working day ever. I spent the whole time with an empty sinking feeling in my stomach because Nutty hadn't responded to the text. I also seemed to spend the whole working day dealing with complaints, problems and queries. I felt as though I was being punished for hurting Nutty's feelings. It seemed like instant karma. Then Mum completely forgot she was supposed to pick me up from work and went out for a coffee with Mrs. Petropoulos. I walked home through biting winds and rolled up at the flat feeling cold, shivery and ill. I indulged in a lovely steamy bubble bath, which warmed me up nicely, but did nothing to dull the pain inside.

Half an hour or so later, Mum arrived home with a lovely apricot flapjack she'd bought from the coffee shop to say sorry. I hadn't eaten properly in over a week, but I devoured the lip-smacking treat in delight, washing it down with a decaf coffee before retiring to bed early with a hot water bottle and sleeping soundly for the first time in days.

As I woke the next morning, I looked at the clock and jumped out of bed in a panic. I'd forgotten to set an alarm and was already forty-five minutes late for work. I dashed into the kitchen, causing Mum to jump and scream ear splittingly.

"I thought you were at work!" she breathed, her chest heaving like she'd just run a mile in a minute.

"I should be!" I said, grabbing a cup of almond milk. "I didn't set my alarm!"

"Oh God," Mum said. "I'll get ready and give you a lift."

"Thanks Mum!" I said, throwing my empty cup into the washing up bowl with a splash.

I phoned Kalisha's line, but as usual it was engaged, so I sent Suki a text briefly explaining what had happened.

I took a mega quick shower and, despite being so late, put on my best make-up just in case Nutty should show up at the theatre, declaring his undying love for me.

I managed to get there for five-past ten. Kalisha was OK about it - I'd never been late before and she understood I'd been through an emotional week, so I agreed to lose one hours pay.

It wasn't the easiest day I'd ever had at work. Suki kept going on and on about her new relationship at every opportunity and the customers seemed more aggressive than ever. It was obviously the run up to Christmas with people feeling under pressure to run around like idiots buying stupid gifts. Dana had a meltdown after one nasty customer called her a butt-faced troll humper and Peter, the theatre manager, was called to tackle some barmy middle-aged man who'd stood in the foyer barking like a dog in protest at not being able to get tickets for a long sold out performance. After work, Suki and I walked home together as she chatted excitedly about Cliff and some party they were looking forward to attending that night. We said goodbye, I left her to walk home and then rushed up the three flights of stairs to the flat, relieved to be away from her incessant chattering. I flopped into my favourite squishy purple chair and enjoyed what I could manage of a takeaway meal with Mum before stalking Nutty's Twitter. He hadn't been active on the site since the day of our bust-up.

Then I received a text from Suki: Hiya! Come to the party - Cliff says he can get you on the guest list and you can share our limo.

It was kind of tempting, but a bit short notice and I'd only be miserable so I declined the invite.

After a fifteen-minute gap, she sent another text: I wasn't going to tell you, but Cliff has found out Nutty is going. I didn't want to say in case he changes his mind and you're disappointed. The party is to celebrate the tenth anniversary of Fookbrite Records.

My face lit up like a morning sunrise. Without hesitation, I agreed to go. I showered, re-applied my best make-up and slipped into my gorgeous black split side dress and strappy high heels before the limo arrived with a smiling Suki and Cliff inside. I climbed in and we zoomed to London, arriving at the Underground Club within half an hour.

We entered the club excitedly and strode down a corridor which was dimly lit by purple lights, then proceeded down the stairs to the basement. The club wasn't quite as I'd imagined it to be. I'd pictured a massive nightclub, but it was more like a large, electrifyingly purple, modern bar. The area was full of revellers dancing, drinking, chatting and laughing. My heart pounded as I looked eagerly around for Nutty, but I couldn't see him.

Suki saw my face fall. "Plenty of time yet!" she said. "We're gonna have a great time whatever!"

Yeah - a great time for you and Cliff, I thought, my heart sinking like a concrete slab in water. Suki was right though - the night was still young and there was a chance he'd turn up before it was through. I just hoped he wouldn't react negatively if and when he saw me.

Cliff bought our drinks and we stood together, Suki and Cliff dancing, drinks in hands, and me stood there like a stuffed ragdoll. I was pleased there was no shortage of men eyeing me up - this surely meant I looked great and couldn't fail to get Nutty's attention, should he turn up. It was obvious everyone else was enjoying the night a million times more than I was though. I didn't even bother to force a smile. I just stood there, glass of mineral water in hand, looking miserable and scowling at every male who looked like they might approach me.

Then it happened. After an hour of misery, Nutty entered the club, but he wasn't alone. He was strolling arm in arm with a stunning black girl. My heart lurched. I wanted to run. I grabbed Suki by the arm and pointed to the couple in horror as Cliff excitedly rushed over and joined them.

"They might just be friends," Suki said.

"Doubt it," I replied miserably, wishing I was back home tucked up in bed with a hot water bottle. "I feel like a right idiot."

Suki stared at them sadly. "He didn't waste much time, did he? I feel guilty for bringing you now. I'm really sorry."

Then Cliff gestured toward Suki and I. Nutty, the girl and some timid looking black bloke in glasses who had joined them looked over as Suki and I promptly turned our backs on them and exchanged anxious glances.

"This is so damned awkward," I said through gritted teeth.

"Sorry," Suki repeated. "But at least you know now."

I just wanted to vanish in a puff of smoke and be gone.

Next thing we knew, the group were directly behind us. Suki turned around, but I stood and pretended to study the drinks on display behind the bar. Cliff poked me in the back and caught a tickly nerve, making me jump. I turned around nervously to face the group, embarrassingly losing my balance for a moment as I twisted, but I recovered well.

"Alright Yaz?" Cliff said, right in my face.

I glared at him. "I'm not feeling too great - no."

"Don't you want to meet Nutty's brother and sister?"

Nutty looked more nervous than I did, but he didn't look angry. He reminded me of the first night we met at the party.

His sister grinned. "Introduce me!"

"This is my gorgeous Suki," Cliff said confidently. "And this is the lovely Yazmin. And these are Aaron and Evie - Nutty's brother and sister."

Evie hugged us both enthusiastically. As I hugged her, I looked over her shoulder and Nutty's eyes met mine. I felt a spark of hope - actually, it was bigger than a spark - it was more like a firework display exploding in time to a wonderful symphony. It was obvious we still liked each other very much. My spirits zoomed skyward like a rocket as his nervous expression morphed into a warm smile and I smiled back.

Nutty and I broke away from the group as he looked at me with a naughty gleam in his eye. "I've missed you," he said. Then he looked at the floor and his face fell. "But I'm not sure I can forgive ..."

"Sorry," I said. "You're just too gorgeous. I just needed to get used to all those women hanging round you. And I do like the tune - I've been too upset to play it since sending the text though."

"Actually," he said. "To be honest Yaz, I know it ain't my best."

"Perhaps not," I said. "But it's fine. It's grown on me."

He looked at me suspiciously. "I thought you said you hadn't played it since..."

"I haven't. But it's been going through my head non-stop." Now that was actually a lie - had the tune been going through my head non-stop, I'd have been carted off to a mental institution days ago, but I wasn't going to tell him that.

As people got more and more drunk and the party became more and more wild, Nutty and I stayed together, dancing and gazing into each others' eyes lovingly whilst people did mad stuff around us.

Then a burly giant of a man came and tapped Nutty on the shoulder. The pair of us looked up. It was famous rapper Mike Merk. I gasped in shock. Mike had terrified me since I was a kid. I didn't expect to ever meet him. The tanned MC stood seven feet tall and was built like a bulldozer. He had scary, glassy, dark eyes which made him look like a murderer. Those eyes really struck fear into you. It wasn't surprising he'd never lost a clash. Just one look could seriously unnerve his opponents. He really did look like your worst nightmare. I remembered watching a clash between him and Nutty once. Poor Nutty had looked like a frightened little kitten and Mike won the clash hands down, as usual.

Mike and Nutty hi-fived each other.

"How ya doin' mate?" Nutty said, beaming. "I ain't seen you in ages man!"

"I'm great!" Mike replied. "Doin' ma birthday ting blud."

"Happy Birthday!" Nutty said. "So you share ya birthday with Fookbrite Records!"

"Yeah!" Mike laughed. "Pretty cool party this - and it's cost me nothing apart from a few drinks and the cab fare!"

"Awesome!" Nutty exclaimed, as they fist bumped.

Then Mike turned his scary, dark eyes on me. "Hi beautiful lady!"

"This is Yazmin - my gal," Nutty said proudly.

My heart lit up inside like a golden flame as my spirits soared.

"You're gorgeous!" Mike said. "Nutty's one lucky bastard!" Despite his terrifying appearance, he seemed like a really sweet guy.

"Thank you!" I said, grinning. "Happy birthday!"

"Thanks Yazmin!"

Nutty and I chatted and laughed and danced and sang till the night was through. Tonight, he was showing me off to the world instead of hiding me. Once more, I was the happiest person alive.

Then I felt someone poke me in the back. It was an old woman who'd appeared from nowhere. She wheeled her zimmer frame out into the middle of the dancefloor, knocking everyone out of the way. She was followed by two other pensioners - a man and a woman who tottered onto the dancefloor with their walking sticks. Then the music stopped and the woman with the zimmer screamed, "Can I have your attention please? We are here tonight to protest against modern music. What we need is some good old fashioned stuff - not today's crap."

I almost hit her. Generation after generation of old people have gone on about today's music being crap and today's young people having no respect and no manners - the same old person crap recycled and spouted time and time again for hundreds of years, and people were still believing their words because they were old and supposedly wise. I actually stepped forward to say something, but Nutty pulled me back. It's just as well he did because, next thing I knew, they called for Mike Merk and began taking their clothes off. There was no protest against modern music - they were strippergrams hired for Mike Merk's birthday! They must have all been over seventy-five. I could hardly look. Wrinkles and sags weren't my thing, and not Mike's either by the look of it. I'd never seen the tough rapper look so uncomfortable and embarrassed. He looked like he was going to live up to his name and merk whoever hired such a tasteless act. They'd clearly ruined his birthday. When they'd all stripped down to their incontinence pants, everyone cheered and Mike walked away, looking like he wanted to die.

We left the party shortly after one o'clock in the morning with Suki and Cliff, who zoomed off in the limo. Nutty and I climbed in the VW Polo with Aaron and Evie and we travelled to Hampstead to Nutty's parents home - a beautiful four storey town house which must have been worth a bomb. I couldn't believe his parents lived in such a posh house in one of the most beautiful areas of London while he was living in the nastiest part of the notorious Skindlesworth.

I spent the night with him and woke the next morning with a question on my lips about that very subject. "Your family home looked beautiful!" I said, being as tactful as possible.

"Yeah," he replied. "Lived there all my life till I came here."

He wasn't giving anything away, so I added, "Bit of a contrast, if you don't mind me saying."

"As you might have gathered, my Uncle died and left it to me and my bro and sis. No one seems to want it so we've just dropped the price."

I wasn't at all surprised they couldn't sell it. Who in their right mind would invest in a scruffy, smelly property in Skindlesworth? The place was pretty disgusting and I couldn't understand why Nutty would want to live there when his parents had such a beautiful house. Of course, I hadn't been inside their house, but judging by the exterior, the inside was most likely pretty lush. I guess the flat gave him some independence. Or perhaps this was all part of a gold-digging bimbo test. Had Nutty pretended to be poor to see if I lost interest because he was broke?

"Nice for you to have your own little place," I said, hoping this would prove I wasn't a shallow airhead.

Nutty smiled. "Yeah - it ain't bad coz I can live here and pay a little bit of rent to my bro and sis. Not much - just pocket money really. Keeps us all happy though."

"That's nice," I said sweetly.

We spent a beautiful day together with no interruptions, there was a lot of laughter and Nutty cooked the most beautiful tomato and herb pasta dish I had ever tasted. Then he invited me round on Tuesday to watch the premier of the Rub-a-Dub-Dub video he'd shot with Miss Silky. I went home floating on air, so grateful to have been given a second chance with my idol.

Tuesday came, and he actually took me out for lunch. I couldn't believe it! We went to a posh vegetarian restaurant and enjoyed a beautiful three course lunch. He autographed napkins for three members of staff before we zoomed back to his place to watch the new video.

I text Mum and Suki to tell them about the video premier to take my mind off his driving. I kept my eyes closed for the rest of the time.

As five o'clock neared, Nutty switched on his laptop. As five struck, the video became available and Nutty put his arm around my shoulder as it started. My eyes widened in horror as I watched Nutty and Miss Silky Bitch misbehaving to the shocking lyrics Rub-A-Dub-Dub we're having sex in the bathtub. I felt sick. Mum would probably be showing it to her elderly boss, Mr. Petropoulos, in the corner shop right now. How horribly embarrassing.

Nutty turned to me. "You OK Yaz? Your shoulders have stiffened."

"I'm fine!" I said, following the statement up with a nervous giggle.

We watched as the duo practically screwed in an old-fashioned bath tub. I was sure the video was going to be banned. I should have vetted that video before telling people about it. Obviously, Mum was a fan and would be seeing it in time anyway, but I had horrible visions of old Mr. Petropoulos's eyes popping out of their sockets and Mum covering up her phone screen and apologising profusely. And there was a chance Suki had texted her mum and gran about it. I could almost see their shocked, disgusted faces as they glared in disbelief at the screen.

The rest of the evening was kind of fun - family and friends phoned about the video, including his shocked mother, and Nutty read all the comments about it on social media and YouTube.

"I thought artists weren't supposed to read comments on their videos," I said to Nutty. "In case you get upset by trolls and stuff."

Nutty laughed. "I'm tougher than that Yaz. People are entitled not to like my stuff. I don't care as long as I've got plenty of fans and I'm making dough. Some of the comments are blatantly from jealous dudes anyway."

"I can imagine," I laughed.

I had a peek. Most of the comments were complimentary anyway, although a few too many kept on about how they must have got it on after making such a video. Nutty seemed to find those the funniest.

"Her fiancée was there!" he laughed.

I just hoped he wasn't lying. I really needed to get over my trust issue. I was with my idol Nutty Bonkers for heavens sake! For once in my life I was one of the luckiest people alive.

Chapter Twelve

I felt proud as a peacock the next morning. I was back with the love of my life, and I'd had such an amazing few days.

As Suki and I stood in the corner of the box office phone room making coffee for the staff, Dana approached us with a big smile on her face. "Have you heard about Rose's husband?" she asked.

"No," we chorused.

"Elaine from the General Office has found Rose's husband on an online dating site!"

"OMG!" Suki laughed.

"Perhaps he joined when they split," I suggested.

"Nah!" Dana whispered. "She's been a member for a while. He was apparently new on yesterday."

"Must be the Dudley affair," I said. "Must have put him off her."

"I think she lied her way out of that one," Dana said. "Nah - she's had trouble with her husband for years. Dunno why she's still with the bastard ..." Her voice trailed away as Rose arrived. She acted quickly. "Hi Rose! Want a coffee?"

"That'd be nice," Rose said as though she didn't have a care in the world.

Suki smiled at Rose cheekily and asked, "How's your husband?"

"He's great!" Rose said blissfully, obviously very much in love.

Dana looked at me and raised her eyebrows.

After work, Suki and I went to The Bell. We thought it would be a bit of fun to have a couple of drinks and take a look at Rose's husband on the dating site.

Our intention was to visit the site and type in his name, but the site didn't work that way.

Suki stared at her phone screen and frowned. "You've got to put your profile on there."

"Can't you put in a fake profile?" I asked.

"My phone's linked to my iPad and my parents sometimes use it," she explained. "If I download the app, it might download on the iPad too and they'll think I'm joining a dating site - bit embarrassing."

"But they know you have a boyfriend."

"All the more reason ..."

"OK - I'll use my phone. How old is her husband?"

"About her age, I presume - early to mid-sixties. I hear the secretary he had the affair with was only thirty-something though."

"Ok," I said. "So I'll put my age as thirty-seven."

"Go for it!"

I created a fake profile - Bessie Bullock, age thirty-seven and looking for a man between thirty and seventy. But the site wouldn't let me proceed to look at possible matches without a photo.

"I'm not putting a pic of myself on there," I said firmly.

"You'll have to be careful who's pic you use, I guess," Suki said. "Might be risky to steal one off the internet."

"Exactly!" I agreed, flicking through the pics on my phone. I came across one of a grinning Max I'd taken during a visit to Suki's house. "Shall I put this one on?" I asked.

"Go for it!" Suki giggled.

I put Max's photo on the site and was then allowed to flick through the possible matches. There seemed to be no end of single men on there \- many of them really fit looking. I could have fallen for Martin - the tanned hunk cuddling his black Labrador. They looked really sweet and happy together - that dog really did give Martin extra appeal.

I kept on flicking through numerous faces until I felt like I was about to suffer repetitive strain injury.

Suki took over. After several minutes of browsing and drooling, her eyes widened and she passed the phone to me. "OMG he's calling himself Fifty Shades - like the naughty novel!"

My mouth hung open in shock as I looked at the picture of the ugly bugger dressed all in black, trying to look all stern and dominant. "Dana didn't mention that!" I said. "Kinky sod!"

Suki put her hand to her mouth and giggled. "Yeah - definitely him - he's sixty-three - like Rose - and lives in this area. How did he think he could get away with it?"

"Dunno," I replied, frowning. "I wouldn't ever dare stick my pic on the internet with a name like that - especially if I was married."

"The whole town's gonna be talking about it before long," Suki said. "He's gonna have to move abroad!"

We finished our drinks, took another look at his funny picture, and laughed madly all the way home! We didn't half get some funny looks.

Next morning, we arrived at work almost fifteen minutes early and sat in the phone room waiting for Rose, who walked in with Dana a few minutes later.

"Morning ladies!" Suki said cheekily. Poor unsuspecting Rose took a seat right by Suki who immediately asked, "Has either of you read Fifty Shades of Grey? I wondered exactly what it was about."

"Tony and I saw the film," Rose answered matter-of-factly.

Dana burst into uncontrollable fits of giggles. It was more than obvious she'd been looking at his profile too. Then Suki and I joined her and all three of us collapsed in fits of laughter in front of a bewildered Rose, who sat there blinking in disbelief.

"It was a bit kinky," Rose said, the colour of her face now matching her name. "It was quite good though."

"Kinky?" said Suki. "I'm shocked! Enjoy that sort of thing, do you?"

Rose's face was the picture of awkwardness. Then the phones began ringing and she turned around and answered a call as fast as she could, to avoid further embarrassment. You could hear her voice falter as she spoke to the customer. We could all see her face becoming angrier. She finished the call and blurted out, "Why were you all laughing?"

"Oh - we always giggle at that sort of stuff," Suki said. "You know us - childish!"

Rose gulped and answered another call, her face now matching the beetroot coloured pen lying next to her keyboard.

At twelve o'clock, Rose went to lunch and Dana started laughing about the dating site again. "Perhaps one of us should go in disguise and meet Rose's husband," she sniggered.

"You do it!" Suki laughed. "Yazmin and I will come along and listen in. It would be fun."

Then Kalisha returned from a meeting and overheard the conversation. "Can I interrupt you both?" Kalisha shouted across the office. Her face was stern and her arms folded. "I don't like the way you're all laughing behind Rose's back. I take it she doesn't know about this?"

"Apparently not," Dana said in a small voice.

"This is a serious matter," Kalisha said firmly. "I'm going to speak to her about it. In the meantime, please think how you'd feel if you were in her position."

Suki and Dana went back to answering the phones, red faced.

When Rose returned from lunch, Kalisha called her over and they left the office together. Around half an hour later, they returned. Rose looked horribly shaken and it was obvious from her red eyes she'd been crying.

Then I saw Kalisha whispering something to Suki, who put her thumb up and nodded. She went around the office whispering to each member of staff as they finished the call they were taking.

Then it was my turn. "Can I have your attention for a moment before you answer another call?" she said.

"Sure," I replied, eager to hear what she had to say.

"Elaine from the general office has agreed to meet Rose's husband for a date tomorrow night. We'd like your support, if you're able to come along. Bastard needs teaching a lesson. He's been causing Rose heartache on and off for too long."

"What's the plan?" I asked keenly.

Kalisha whispered in my ear. I smiled and agreed to go along and support Rose.

Chapter Thirteen

The following evening, Kalisha picked Suki, Dana and I up in her silver BMW and we rolled into town buzzing with a mixture of nerves and excitement. We soon arrived in the car park of The George and Dragon pub and made our way to the bar area, which was all dark wood and red patterned carpet. It smelt very strongly of cooking and beer.

Two barmaids stood behind the bar chatting with their arms folded. One was a pretty, middle-aged lady with purple hair swept back into a high ponytail. The other looked to be around thirty with curly blonde shoulder-length hair and sharp features. As soon as they noticed us, they stopped chatting and smiled.

"Hi Kalisha!" said the purple-haired beauty. "Ready for the big event?"

"Yep!" Kalisha said with a noticeable quiver in her voice. "Ready as I'll ever be."

Kalisha bought us a round of drinks. Ten minutes later, Elaine - a striking, heavy-boned, fifty-something blonde lady arrived with Rose. Both ladies looked horribly nervous.

I feared Elaine might not be able to go through with it, but then Kalisha gave her a little pep talk. "You can do this - you're doing it for Rose, remember?"

Elaine took several deep breaths and relaxed a little.

Then Rose, who had been looking out the window, rushed back to our group looking pale as a ghost. "He's arrived!" she said nervously. "He's parking the car."

We wished Elaine luck as she made her way to the dining area. Then Rose and Kalisha went and hid in the ladies toilet and Suki, Dana and I turned our backs on the entrance door and sipped our drinks as Tony entered the pub and walked past us.

The dining area was separated from the bar by two heavy, panelled, wooden screens the top half of which was inset with frosted glass. Elaine sat herself down at a table just behind the screen, so we would be able to hear every word of the conversation between the two dating site members.

My heart revved up when we heard Tony's broad Yorkshire accent. "Elaine?"

"Yes," Elaine replied. "Please do sit down."

At this point, Dana rushed into the ladies to fetch Rose and Kalisha. Suki and I exchanged anxious glances. Rose's nervous demeanour had been replaced by fury and Kalisha looked cool and confident.

"They do a nice bit of food here," we heard Tony say. "May I recommend the steak?"

"I've been a vegetarian since I was three," Elaine replied.

Tony coughed nervously. "I do apologise. I think they do a nice vegetable lasagne."

"I'll study the menu," Elaine said. "I love your accent. Which part of Yorkshire are you from?"

"Pontefract," Tony replied. "Nice little market town. Do you know it?"

"I know of it. Never been there though."

"Sweet little place. My family moved away when I was sixteen - work related."

Then we heard nothing for a couple of minutes as Elaine and Tony studied their menus.

The silence was broken by Tony's voice. "Made your mind up?"

"Yes," Elaine replied. "I think I'll have the chestnut and mushroom wellington."

"Very nice choice," Tony said. "And I'll have the steak - I hope you don't mind."

"Go ahead," Elaine said.

The waiter arrived and took their orders, then winked at us through the gap between screens. Kalisha looked anxious - the waiter's wink wasn't very discreet.

"So," Tony said. "I see you're an administrator."

"Correct - I work for a wine company," Elaine lied.

"Very nice. I have my own business - we print t-shirts and mugs and the like. Very lucrative - although the economy isn't what it used to be."

"Very true," Elaine replied. "I take it you're single."

"As good as," Tony said. "The marriage is on the rocks. My wife doesn't understand me."

Rose was fuming. She made a threatening fist and went to punch the wooden screen, but drew her hand back at the last millisecond.

"Do you have any hobbies?" Elaine asked. "There were none listed on the site."

"Too busy working," Tony said. "I watch a bit of telly and this and that."

"I see. I like my gardening and detective novels. Oh - and I love the theatre. Perhaps I'll take you sometime - I see they're showing A Christmas Carol at The Two Masks. I'd love to see that - perhaps we could go there for a second date?"

"I'm not really into theatre," Tony said, his voice faltering a little as he said the word theatre. "I don't like sitting still for too long."

"You'd love it!" Elaine said brightly. "You'd absolutely love it - I just know you would."

"Well, I expect they're booked up."

"That's no problem for me!" Elaine exclaimed manically. "My friend works in the Two Masks box office."

Then we heard a clunking sound.

"Silly me!" Tony said, breathing heavily. "The wine's gone all over my trousers. Waiter! May I have a cloth please?"

"Certainly!" the waiter said, rushing forwards with a roll of paper towel.

"Thank you!" Tony said. "Sorry to cause you this trouble - very clumsy of me."

"No problem!" the waiter laughed.

"Now, where was I?" Elaine said, sounding angry. "Oh yes - my friend can get us tickets. Rose will only be too happy to help, won't you Rose?"

"Certainly will!" Rose screamed, rushing through the gap between the screens.

Kalisha, Dana, Suki and I swiftly followed her. Tony gasped in shock as Rose tipped a jug of iced water over him then hit him over the head with her handbag. The rest of us threw the remains of our drinks at him and called him a bastard. Then Rose chased him out of the pub, hurling a string of x-rated expletives at him, as shocked diners looked on.

We all went home feeling very pleased with ourselves that evening, hoping Rose would begin divorce proceedings as quickly as possible.

Chapter Fourteen

On Sunday, I awoke to the sound of Mum moaning.

I went to her bedroom to check she was OK.

She looked up at me weakly. "I've got a dreadfully sore throat, sweetie. I fancy a peppermint tea."

"Sorry to hear that Mum. I'll get you one."

Mum gave me a half smile as I left the room to brew myself an espresso and make mum's mint tea. I emerged from the kitchen to find Mum sitting in the lounge looking very sorry for herself. "Thank you, sweetie. I've phoned in sick."

We devoured some toast and then I took a shower.

Shortly afterwards, I received a phone call from Suki. "Oh my God I'm so nervous!" she said. "Cliff's bringing Dudley to meet my family this afternoon. Mum and Gran's favourite singer ever is coming to their house!"

"Wow!" I replied. "When was this arranged?"

"Cliff and I had a date last night. We went clubbing then to Dudley's place and the three of us arranged it."

"So, your family woke up this morning expecting a nice quiet Sunday and you suddenly said Dudley Mountain had more or less invited himself to your place at short notice? Oh my God Suki!"

"I haven't told them he's coming."

"What?"

"They met Cliff the night Gran went missing, but we didn't tell them who his dad was. We thought we'd give them a big surprise one day. Today's the day!"

"I see," I said. "Well, your gran's not in the best of health \- are you sure she's up to the shock?"

"Gran loves Dudley," Suki answered. "It'll be a surprise, not a shock."

"Well, have a good time then. I look forward to seeing your gran's reaction if you're taking photos."

"I'll send you some," Suki said sweetly, before hanging up.

Flabbergasted, I put my mobile down, brewed myself another espresso and downed it in one. Then I sat down in the lounge, wishing I could be a fly on the wall when Dirty Dudley turned up to give Suki's family the surprise of their lives! Only very recently, Suki had said her mum preferred to admire Dudley from a distance, as she was nervous about meeting him. Now her quiet Sunday was about to be shockingly disrupted by him suddenly appearing in her house like a bloody apparition. I couldn't wait to hear about it and just hoped it wouldn't go horribly wrong.

I returned to the lounge to find Mum lying on the sofa. She opened her eyes wearily and sighed, "I'm sad about finishing my job at the shop after Christmas. I really liked working there with Mr. Petropoulos and his wife. I'll miss it. Shame I had to phone in sick today, but every limb is aching."

"Oh," I said sadly. "Well, at least you've made friends there and you can look forward to making even more friends when you start somewhere else."

"We were like a family."

"The pay wasn't great though. Perhaps you'll get one of the better jobs you've applied for."

"Perhaps. And it's good the lady I was covering is well enough to return to work now after her operation.

I fetched a bottle of still lemonade from the kitchen and poured us a glass each. We sat there together, sipping our drinks in silence.

Then I got a call from Nutty. He sounded dreadful. "Hi Yaz. How are you?"

"Not bad," I replied.

"I'm a bit poorly," he said in a croaky voice. "I'm not going to be well enough to drive and meet you. I just need to rest really. Sorry Yaz, but I'm in the recording studio Tuesday to Friday. I just want to sleep all day to help my voice recover."

"Fair enough," I said, my heart sinking. "Mum's ill too with something similar. I'll stay here and look after her then."

"Yeah - best do that. I should be feeling really well today - Rub-A-Dub-Dub has entered the charts at number three, but I'm feeling sick."

"Wow!" I gasped. "That's fantastic news!"

"I know - I think we'll have to celebrate later in the week."

"Well done sweetheart!"

We talked for a few more minutes during which Nutty must have apologised half a dozen times, before he went off to make himself a hot blackcurrant drink.

I'd been really looking forward to seeing him. Now the day felt dull and dreary. My only consolation was that I wouldn't have to travel on a motorway, and being number three in the charts for the first time in his life was amazing for him - and for me.

I texted Suki as well as several friends from my old town. They were all very excited for me. And Mum was over the moon.

Later that day, whilst dozing on the sofa, I received a text from Suki: Family meeting was amazing! I filmed it. Can I come around today or tomorrow and show you the video?

I'd love to see it Suki, but Mum's unwell. I don't want you to catch it - especially worrying if you give it to your gran. She's got a nasty sore throat virus.

That's a shame. I was looking forward to showing you. Would you like me to email it to you?

Could you?

Sure - it's really good.

That's great - it might help cheer me up. I was supposed to see Nutty today but he's ill too and just wants to sleep - so boring.

No problem. I'll send it now. Send my get well wishes to them both.

Will do. Thanks. Look forward to watching it.

I poked my head around Mum's bedroom door. "Are you OK?" I asked.

"No," Mum said miserably. "I feel really poorly."

"Aww! Sorry. I've got something which might help make you feel a little better. They do say laughter is the best medicine, don't they?"

She looked at me curiously through glazed pink eyes. "What is it?"

"Suki brought Dudley and Cliff to meet her family today as a surprise. She filmed it."

Mum smiled. "I'd love to see it!"

She crawled weakly out of bed, and I made us both a ginseng and lemon tea. Then I fetched the iPad and propped it up on its stand, ready to watch the little film.

"Fetch my handbag!" Mum said. "It's on the dining chair."

I fetched the bag. Mum weakly put it down by her side, opened it, and produced a white cable.

"What is it?" I asked, taking a sip of tea.

"I'd bought it as a surprise to watch ourselves when Nutty's Fun video comes out. You plug one end into the iPad and one end into the telly, so we can watch it on a bigger screen."

"Mega fab!" I exclaimed. I wanted to kiss her, but didn't want to catch her germs, so I plugged the cable in and pressed play.

Suki's little film began with a video selfie of her saying, "My family are getting the surprise of their lives today - they're totally not gonna believe it!"

Then there was a shot of Dudley and Cliff emerging from a shiny black cab, walking up the driveway and through the front door. You could see the This family are in for a real treat look written all over Dudley's face as he crossed over the threshold. It was so obvious he might as well have been saying it out loud. What a bighead! Then Max ran up and began tugging at Dudley's trouser leg, and Dudley limped through the hall, trying to look like it didn't bother him. Cliff was holding something large, flat, and oblong which looked suspiciously like a painting. The film cut to Dudley and Cliff creeping into the lounge, where Suki's poor unsuspecting mum and gran were sat enjoying a TV show. When both women spotted the two men creeping in, they screamed - obviously thinking they were about to be attacked. When they realised it was Dudley, Suki's mum gasped and placed her hands over her shy face, and her gran got up and hugged Dudley, sheer excitement filling every inch of her sweet old face. She may have forgotten a lot of things, but she hadn't forgotten her favourite singer.

Obviously having heard the screams, her alarmed dad appeared and had to hold on to a chair to stop himself collapsing from the surprise. He sat down, blinking in disbelief, as he watched Suki's gran hugging her idol.

"Who's that, Gran?" Suki asked tearfully.

"Dudley!" her gran cried, still cuddling the old rocker. "I love you!"

Suki's Mum gradually prized her hands away from her face and became emotional at the sight of her frail old mother hugging their idol. She wiped away trickles of tears, smiling sweetly.

The next shot was of Suki's family sitting on the settee and Cliff presenting them with the flat thing he'd been carrying.

"I painted this specially for you all from a photo Suki kindly gave me - may it take pride of place in your house," he said, handing it to Suki's gran.

The family looked at it and went silent.

"What is it Gran?" Suki asked. "Show it to the camera so everyone can see."

Her gran awkwardly turned the canvas around and the camera zoomed in on it. It was an amateurish painting of Max. His eyes looked funny - they were popping out of his head like he'd just had an awful shock. The family all smiled falsely and Max could be heard growling in the background. Obviously, none of them liked the picture.

"Thank you, Cliff," Suki's mum said.

"He's my son," Dudley said proudly, putting his arm around a smiling Cliff's shoulder. "England's answer to Rembrandt."

"Your son?" Suki's dad said. "Yes - I can see the resemblance."

"Very nice painting of Max," Suki's mum said falsely.

"Yes," mumbled Suki's dad, trying his best to sound like he really meant it.

Suki's gran continued to gaze admiringly at Dudley.

In the next scene, everyone was sat down enjoying tea and cake. Predictably, Dudley's slice of cake was twice the size of everyone else's. It was disgusting how he only seemed to talk when his mouth was full. When his mouth was empty, he stayed completely silent, then he'd take an enormous bite and start on about how his week had been, before licking cake off each finger individually. Yuk! Good job I hadn't been there - I might well have thrown his cake in his face and rubbed it into his greasy mop of hair.

The film then cut to the best bit of all - Dudley dancing with Suki's gran. Even though she'd been suffering from dementia for some time, she hadn't forgotten how to dance. The old lady shuffled around, doing some surprisingly nifty little moves as she danced with her idol to Never Let Me Go - another of his cringeworthy tunes.

Then there was a shot of the family laughing their heads off.

"OMG!" Suki exclaimed from behind the camera. "Cliff - you are so naughty, I can't believe you did that!"

"Max looks so funny!" Suki's gran said.

The film cut to Max running around playfully before stopping to sniff the camera. The mischievous Cliff had drawn black arched eyebrows on the little brown dog and he was pointing at the pooch and saying proudly, "I did that - I call it Woof Art." What an idiot!

The final scene was everyone hugging and kissing and saying goodbye, as Dudley and Cliff left the house, illuminated by the headlights of the taxi which had come to pick them up. The camera then zoomed to Suki's family all looking dumbfounded.

"Did that just really happen?" asked her dad.

"Yup!" Suki said. "Dudley's part of our family now!"

Then the screen went blank.

"OMG!" Mum squealed. "That was funny. I'm feeling just a little better now. Laughter truly is the best medicine!"

Chapter Fifteen

Next day, I arrived at work to find the whole office gathered around a newspaper, giggling. As soon as I appeared, they stopped. Dana folded up the paper, wheeled her office chair to a computer and asked if anyone fancied a coffee.

"What's going on?" I asked, folding my arms.

"Oh fuck!" Dana said, staring at me. "Have you seen this morning's papers?"

"Looks like I'm about to!" I exclaimed. "Let's have a look."

Dana held up a copy of The Daily Crap, as Mum always called it. It was the trashy newspaper which had pictured me with Dudley a few weeks previously. On the very front page was a large still of the steamy Rub-A-Dub-Dub video under the headline Cheater.

I snatched the paper from Dana and my eyes widened as I read the trashy story which basically said Miss Silky had been cheating on her fiancé with Nutty - a lonely, single young man. Lonely? Single? I almost hit the roof.

I stormed out of the office and called Nutty, who answered straight away.

"Hiya gorgeous!" he said merrily.

"Hiya, lonely single boy!" I screamed.

Nutty laughed. "You've seen the paper!"

"I've seen it alright. It had better not be true!"

"Of course it isn't true. Relax - it's good publicity for me."

I couldn't believe his cheek. "Publicity?" I snapped.

"Yeah - you won't be complaining when I'm bringing in mega bucks as a direct result of this article. It's front page news Yaz \- front page news!"

"Your voice seems to have suddenly recovered miraculously!"

"Been resting it and taking my medicine like a good boy. I'm not fully better yet though. Still worried about the recording sessions."

I was hardly listening to him. "And where is Miss Silky now?" I asked.

"Dunno - London, New York, Paris, Berlin - your guess is as good as mine babe! I'm just so fucking excited about it all. I'm on the fucking front page and I'm number three in the charts - I've worked so many years for this. Don't spoil it for me. You're gonna have to get used to this sort of thing if you wanna stay with me - gotta learn to enjoy it all. Goodness knows what's ahead for me after this - MOBO award, perhaps?"

"You're not taking me seriously!" I screamed.

"It's just a newspaper Yaz. Lighten up!"

I thought for a moment and realised I was being unreasonable. "Yeah - I guess you're right. I, of all people, should know about newspapers - having appeared in one with Dudley."

Then Kalisha appeared. "Are you alright Yazmin? Phones are ringing."

"I'll just be a moment," I snapped.

"Seriously," Nutty said on the other end of my phone. "It's just publicity. They'll find out you're my gal soon enough. Love you princess!"

"Love you too." I hung up feeling good. Nutty sounded sincere. My gut feeling told me he was telling the truth and, as a rather huge bonus, there was the possibility I might very soon be appearing in OK magazine, or posing on the front cover of Vogue or something, making Eyebrow Bitch and Trashy Tracy green with envy. I cheered up and answered my first phone call of the day with a smile in my voice, much to the annoyance of the snob on the end who kept trying to get me down with sour words about The Two Masks Company. I grinned and laughed as the infected scab complained away, before simply cutting the phone off as she said. "And another thing ..." I'll never know what that other thing was - and I'm sure no one cares.

Wednesday was the day of the big video launch. Unfortunately, Nutty was in the recording studio most of the week so we couldn't watch it together. I arranged for Suki to come to my place straight after work, so we could watch it with Mum. The last hour at work crawled by. I was excited but also nervous. What if I looked ungainly in the video and Nutty decided he didn't want me? Just after six o'clock, we rushed out of the building to find Mum waiting in the car. We hopped in and she drove us straight to the flat. She brewed coffees and opened a packet of fruit biscuits whilst I fetched the iPad and switched it on.

We quickly turned on the TV, plugged in the iPad cable and found the video online. I took a deep breath and pressed play, then quickly joined Suki and Mum on the settee.

We laughed as we saw ourselves clowning around behind the star of the video, who was certainly living up to the name Nutty Bonkers as he acted like an idiot for the camera.

We smiled and gasped and giggled as we watched the video jumping back and forth from us clowning around with balloons, to jumping in the air, to Suki blowing a kiss to the camera, to Mum tripping and recovering herself, to me just looking like an idiot, which made me think it was just as well I was wearing a clown mask. It was all there - oh, apart from one thing - myself unmasked dancing with Nutty. It showed nice flashes of Mum's and Suki's smiling faces as he whizzed them around the room. It showed a disgusting flash of Eyebrow Bitch throwing her head back and laughing as they danced, his hand rather too close to her flat bottom for my liking. I had expected to see stills of Nutty and myself on the front of the next edition of The Daily Crap, telling the world I was his woman - not Miss Silky. I felt deeply sick.

I tried not to look disappointed, but then Suki pointed it out. "Where's Yazmin's dance part?" she asked.

"Doesn't matter," I said. "I'm still in the video - albeit in a scary clown mask."

"They should have shown you, of all people," Mum moaned.

"Oh, it's alright," I said. "Perhaps I'll have a starring role in his next video!"

I knew they could tell I was just putting on a happy face. Inside, I was crying.

"Run it back!" Suki said. "Perhaps we all got distracted and missed it."

"I doubt it," I said, hoping Suki was right. I pressed play again.

"There you are!" Suki said. "There was a flash!"

"I must have blinked," Mum said. "I didn't see it."

"Neither did I," I said, still trying to sound as though it didn't matter one iota.

Suki took the iPad and tried to pause it at the part my dance with Nutty was apparently shown. She must have had a sharper eye to brain connection than Mum and me, as we didn't know what she was talking about. I wondered if she was making it up. After about seven attempts, I saw it - the flash of Nutty about to grab me for the dance, which must have taken up something like one tenth of a second of the video. She made repeated attempts to take a still of it, but the flash was so ridiculously quick there was little chance of capturing it.

I was gutted. I kept up the brave face, although I don't think I made a very good job of it.

"Would you like to stay for tea Suki?" Mum offered.

"That would be lovely," Suki replied. "If it's not too much trouble."

"Of course not," Mum said. "Curried beans and rice?"

"Nom nom!" Suki said.

Mum went off to the kitchen to prepare tea.

"Let's take a look at the comments!" Suki said excitedly.

"OK," I sighed, my body stiffening with apprehension.

The video had been out less than two hours and had been viewed almost three thousand times. It actually had more dislikes than likes, which was extremely unusual and very concerning.

"Oh well," Suki said, pressing the 'like' button on the iPad. "There's another like for it." She took out her mobile and pressed like from her own account. "And another like!" she said, beaming. "I suppose the dislikes are from jealous people!"

Then she looked down the comments. A few people said they loved it, but most weren't so complimentary. We laughed as we skimmed down the page, reading comments such as 'Has Nutty finally gone bonkers?' 'Looks like he picked some random mingers off the street and asked them to be in his video,' and 'What the fuck is this shit?' We read out some of the comments to Mum and had a great evening laughing and enjoying our meal. It was just a shame I wasn't enjoying the video with Nutty. I just hoped he wasn't watching it with Eyebrow Bitch or Miss Silky.

Then I jumped as my phone rang. It was Nutty. "Hiya!" he said brightly.

"Hi!" I replied. "Love the video!"

"Great, isn't it? Glad you like it."

"Shame we couldn't have watched it together."

"I know - just one of dem tings!" he said in a comical voice.

"How's the recording going?"

"Finished early today to give my voice a rest - I'm still not feeling too great."

"Oh," I said slowly. "So, we could have watched it together after all."

Then I heard a young woman laughing in the background. My heart lurched.

"Listen," Nutty said. "Can I ring you back? I'm just in the middle of something."

"Sure," I said, too shocked to confront him.

He hung up. I looked up to find both Mum and Suki staring at me, concerned.

"Are you OK?" Suki asked.

"No," I replied. "I'm not OK. Nutty isn't in the recording studio - he's claiming he finished early today because of his throat infection. I could hear a girl in the background then he said he was in the middle of something and hung up."

Suki slammed her coffee mug down on the table. "I'm glad people left nasty comments about his stupid video!"

"I don't like the sound of that," Mum said, looking at me sympathetically. "Would you like me to call and speak to him?"

"I don't know!" I cried, picturing him with Eyebrow Bitch and Miss Silky alternately. "What do you think?"

Suki and Mum looked at each other.

"Perhaps we should give him a couple of minutes," Suki said. "I guess there might be an innocent explanation for it, and surely he wouldn't have phoned you if he was in the middle of cheating on you."

"True," said Mum. "You don't want to go falling out with him again. We shouldn't be jumping to conclusions."

I sat in silence wishing I'd placed a hidden camera in his flat, so I might have had some idea what was going on. I was desperate to know what was happening.

Then he rang back. I seized my phone and pressed the answer button. "Hi," I said nervously.

"Sorry 'bout that!" he said. "I was cooking pasta and the pan boiled dry!"

"Oh," I replied. "Just cooking for yourself?"

"For the whole family!" he said. "I'm at my parents' place - say hi to Mum!"

"Hiya!" said a friendly, middle-aged female voice.

"Hi!" I replied, much relieved.

"Lovely to speak to you!" she said. "You'll have to come for Sunday tea early in the new year - Daddy and I are dying to meet you."

"That would be lovely!" I answered excitedly. "I can't wait to meet you both too."

"I'll pass you back now - and we'll arrange for you and your mum to come here in the next couple of weeks."

"Great!" I said, feeling ecstatic.

She passed me back to Nutty and I arranged to see him the following evening at his place. I was dancing on air, pleased I hadn't said anything hasty.

Chapter Sixteen

Late that Friday night, Nutty picked me up and drove me to his place. I was as nervous as ever as we sped along the motorway. He got a little annoyed at my backseat driving. Obviously fed up of me telling him to watch lorries, mind cars, keep out of the fast lane, slow down, keep his eyes on the road and leave a little more room when overtaking coaches, he suddenly blurted out, "Stop haranguing me! I'm an experienced driver!"

"I know, but ...."

"How many driving lessons have you taken, Yazmin Jones?"

"Well, I've never had a lesson, but I've been a passenger ..."

"Exactly! In fact, Yazmin Jones, I'm gonna write bars about this - it's gonna be the most wicked tune ever." He glanced at me a couple of times as he said it, which I thought was extremely bad, as he should have been keeping his eyes on the road. "I'm gonna call it Backseat Driver and you can be in the video!" Then he reached out to do some adjustment or something on his satnav whilst driving at seventy miles an hour and I almost had a fit. I also felt hurt by his words and was finding it difficult to hold back my tears. But then I thought how jealous Eyebrow bitch and her mates would be to see me in his next video and I cheered up a bit.

As always, I was greatly relieved when we left the motorway and arrived in Skindlesworth. Nutty had just parked in his apartment block space when he remembered he was out of bread. He started the engine again and headed toward a local supermarket.

As we passed a large park, Nutty suddenly shouted, "What the ..?" He was staring at a bench on the edge of the park by the roadside.

I had to look twice. I couldn't believe my eyes. Isaac was there on the bench stark bollock naked smoking a spliff!

Nutty stopped the car and jumped out. "What the fuck blud?"

Isaac grinned in delight. "Thank you God! Thank you!"

"Jump in the car before the cops get you mate!" Nutty said urgently.

Isaac stood up and strolled over to the car, spliff hanging loosely between his lips. The spliff wasn't the only thing that was hanging \- he'd made no attempt to cover himself up! He jumped in the back, still smoking. "I knew you'd come!" he said. "I prayed to God for you to come and you're here. Praise the lord!"

"What the fuck are you doing mate?" Nutty asked, his face all stressed.

"She don't want me no more," Isaac sighed. "Threw me out!"

"Not again!" Nutty exclaimed, holding his head in his hands. "I'll see if I can persuade her. Oh, and can you put that spliff out?"

"Have some!" Isaac said, holding it out to Nutty.

"I'm fucking driving you crazy twat!" Nutty replied. "And you know I don't smoke coz of my asthma."

Isaac put the spliff out. We didn't have to travel far. Nutty drove to a drab and scruffy four-storey block of flats straight across the road.

"This is home!" Isaac said as we shot into the carpark. Then he went to get out of the car.

"Stay inside!" Nutty exclaimed. "I'll ring Janine and try to get you some clothes. There are kids living here!" He grabbed his phone and dialled. "Janine! I've got your fella here - he ain't got no clothes on. What you mean that's his problem? Get him some clothes woman! It's fucking freezing out here. You can't leave your man out here like this gal. Yeah - we're out in the carpark with Yazmin."

I could hear the tone of Janine's voice change as she said brightly, "Jasmine!"

Worried we may end up spending half the night with the wacko couple, I sighed heavily. Then a drunken Janine staggered out of the apartment block and threw a long, striped cardigan at Isaac through the backseat window and smiled at me. "Jasmine!"

"It's Yazmin," I corrected.

Then her face became serious. "What do you think about Lindsay then?"

"Lindsay?" I asked, totally puzzled.

"Dump him!" she said, pointing accusingly at Nutty.

"He hasn't done anything!" Isaac said angrily. "Just giving her the information so she can make up her own mind," Janine muttered.

"Sorry - what information?" I turned to Nutty, my heart beating like a big bass drum. "What's going on?"

He just slumped forward onto the steering wheel, head in hands, and said nothing.

"Nothing's going on!" Isaac said. "Ignore her."

"Something obviously is going on!" I said. "I'm not bloody stupid!"

"Look at Lindsay Faulkner's Twitter," Janine said. "Might be something, might be nothing. But you have the right to know."

"It's a lie," Nutty said. "Let's go back to the flat and I'll tell you the whole story."

Isaac jumped out of the car and, after some arguing, Janine agreed to take him back.

When we reached the flat, Nutty sat me down and said he regretted confiding in Isaac and Janine, as he should have known Janine would get drunk and shout it from the rooftops. When I asked who Lindsay was, Nutty pulled out his phone and showed me her Twitter account. I had a mild panic attack as he turned the screen to face me and I saw exactly who I was expecting to see - Eyebrow Bitch! As I scrolled down the screen, it became apparent the silly girl was obsessed with him. Her profile pic was of her and Nutty. It was probably taken during the night of the Fun video shoot as they were both wearing the same coats. She'd uploaded the Fun video and numerous of his other videos to her account, calling him her boyfriend. She'd tweeted about supposed dates in clubs, restaurants and wine bars. She'd tweeted about their supposed nights of passion together and quoted his most X-rated lyrics in numerous tweets. My hands started shaking so wildly, I had to give Nutty his phone back. Then I rushed to the loo and threw up. I sloped out of the bathroom a few minutes later to find Nutty guzzling a can of lager, looking totally miserable. I sat down beside him and burst into tears.

"I didn't do anything!" he said. "I was alerted by one of the Mingin Media crew, after they saw the company name mentioned in a couple of the stupid bitch's tweets. They could see she was an obsessed nutter by everything she'd written, so they alerted me. I followed her back and sent a private message asking her to stop, but it made her even worse. I've unfollowed her now. She's sick - you can see by her appearance she isn't right in the head."

"She's the weirdest thing I've ever seen," I agreed, finally beginning to believe him.

He then fetched a pad and paper together with his diary and analysed her entries. "Got her!" he said, finally. "There are three occasions here she claims to have been on dates with me when I was with you. And she's got photos on here she claims are of my abode - they're obviously photos of millionaires' cribs taken from the internet." He showed me one photo of the outside of an apartment block which she claimed was where he lived. "That's clearly in America - there's a fucking New York taxi stopped by the entrance and everything. The girl's nuts Yaz!"

I studied the photos. It was true - they did look like they were taken from the internet. Another picture of a café they'd supposedly enjoyed a romantic hot chocolate in looked like it was taken in some Spanish holiday resort. They were such a strange mish mash of photos. It really did look like the girl was one hundred percent crazy.

I breathed a huge sigh of relief. "The downside of fame!" I exclaimed. "I'll just get myself a peppermint tea. Want one?"

We made up that evening and enjoyed toast topped with yummy peanut butter and banana. He told me his family had decided to rent the flat out as they were unlikely to sell it and that a lady with a baby was moving in within the month. Then he invited me to a New Years' Eve party at Bernard Hazard's mansion. Bernard was a famous record producer who I'd heard of before - his name had been all over the front of the papers not long ago, after it was revealed he'd had an affair with the prime minister's wife. Apparently, Bernard had produced many of Dudley's records and they were good friends. Nutty informed me Dudley would be going and, a couple of hours later, Suki sent a text to say she and Cliff were going too.

Around three o'clock in the morning, I was just lying awake gazing at Nutty when I heard a moaning sound which appeared to be coming from the lounge. Then I heard it again. It was followed by the sound of a woman crying. My first thought was that it might be Eyebrow Bitch. Afraid to move, I woke Nutty up.

"There's someone in the flat!" I said.

Nutty put on his robe, grabbed a nasty looking axe from his bedroom drawer, and went to investigate. Then he returned to the bedroom.

"All clear!" he said. "What did you hear, exactly?"

"Moaning sounds and a girl crying," I said shakily.

"So, I'm not going mad!" Nutty exclaimed. "Isaac brought the Ouija board and we tried to contact Melanie a few nights ago and later on, about this time of night, I heard exactly what you just heard. I almost shat myself - jumped straight into the car and drove to my parents place in my dressing gown! That's one reason I've decided to rent the flat out and go and live back at home for a while."

"Bloody hell! Do you think it's Melanie?"

"Possibly."

"Do you think she died in this flat?"

"Maybe. One thing's for certain - I'll never mess around with a fucking Ouija board again. I feel sorry - a single mother is moving in with her baby."

"You'll have to get a priest in to perform an exorcism, or something."

"Yeah - that's what I've been thinking. I couldn't live with myself believing the lady was gonna be terrified here. She's a nice girl. She's had a tough time - her baby father's an alcoholic. She left him."

"Oh God!" I exclaimed. "I know all about alcoholic fathers!"

"We're gonna do the place up nice for her - paint it in her choice of colours and stuff and she was well thrilled to meet me - she's a fan!"

"Very sweet."

"I'll make enquiries with the church after Christmas," Nutty said.

Then there was an almighty thud out in the hall as the coat stand fell over. It had probably just overbalanced again. Nevertheless, we made the decision to leave the flat and spend the night back at my place. We headed downstairs like we were running a marathon and headed for his car. As we were crossing the carpark, our eyes were suddenly assaulted by a series of flashes.

"What the fuck?" Nutty screamed, stopping in his tracks.

Then two men slithered out of the bushes like a pair of venomous snakes. One of them was carrying a camera.

"Is this your girlfriend?" asked the slimy, dirty looking one with the camera. His coarse yellow hair had a good inch of visible dark root.

"No comment," Nutty replied.

"Yes, I am!" I exclaimed, wondering why Nutty didn't want to say so.

"What about your other girlfriends?" the same man asked.

Nutty said nothing.

Then the fat, bald man next to him screamed at me, "What would you say if I told you he was banging a hundred women - including your mum?"

I couldn't help looking shocked as the slimy one went mad taking photos.

"What does he mean?" I screamed at Nutty furiously.

"They're just trying to get a reaction. Get in the fucking car!"

"Are you sure?"

"They want to sell fucking papers. Now get in the car!"

I glared at him. "But why did they say...?"

"Don't react!" Nutty said. "That's what the scum want."

Nutty opened the car doors and we jumped inside.

"Is this why you kept me hidden?" I asked.

"I never kept you hidden!" Nutty belted out, starting the car engine and zooming away. "You're crazy!"

"No!" I protested. "You're crazy!"

"It's a crazy mad life, innit blud?" He screamed, speeding up the road, rather faster than he should have been going in a built-up area and I said no more. I just cried.

By the time we reached my home, I was hysterical.

"I wish I'd never got back with you!" I screamed at him.

"I ain't done nuffink!" Nutty yelled. "Crazy woman!"

Then Mum emerged from her bedroom, looking shocked and dazed.

"Hi Lorraine!" Nutty said, breathing heavily. "We were pounced on by a pair of paparazzi prats. Sit down and I'll make you both a cup of tea."

"I'll get the tea," Mum offered, dashing into the kitchen, still looking horribly shocked. She emerged five minutes later with three red mugs and a teapot. Then she sat down with us, poured the tea and gave Nutty a stern look. "What's this all about?" she asked.

"You tell me!" Nutty said. "To cut a long story short, Yaz and I decided to spend the rest of the night here and we were pounced on by the paparazzi."

"And?" Mum said.

"And they were shouting loads of balls at us to get a reaction \- lies about me shagging loads of bitches - including you, apparently!"

Mum looked stunned. She opened her mouth to say something, but no words came out.

"You remember the one in the video with the stupid eyebrows?" I asked her.

Mouth gaping, Mum stared at me. "Where does she come into all this?"

Hands shaking, I pulled out my phone and tried to get into Twitter, but my brain went all funny.

"I'll show her," Nutty said. "It's a load of codswallop."

He pulled out his phone and showed Mum Eyebrow Bitch's Twitter. "Romantic date - never happened. Steamy night in my Rolls Royce - never happened - I ain't got a fucking Roller. My apartment - bollocks - there's a fucking yellow cab parked outside - it's fucking New York."

Mum's eyes widened and narrowed continuously as she tried to take it all in. "Well, I don't know what to make of it," she said. She reached for her mug and took a gulp of tea. "Do you have an apartment in New York?"

"Of course not!" Nutty boomed. "Bitch has nicked pics off the web. There's only one pic of her and I together, and it's taken at the video shoot - look!" He showed her the photo of the smiling pair wearing the same coats as they wore in the video. "I wouldn't touch that ugly bitch with a barge pole!"

"How do you know her?" Mum asked, putting down her mug.

"One of the lads in the video - Marcus - he's a mate from school. I asked him to bring a few mates along and she was one of them. I'm gonna speak to him now." He scrolled down his contacts list and dialled.

"It's the middle of the night!" Mum said, astonished.

"I don't care!" Nutty replied, putting the phone on loud speaker.

Then his dazed friend answered. "Nutty?"

"Yeah mate!"

"What the fuck's the time?"

"Don't matter - I've got something urgent to ask you. That bitch you brought along to the video shoot - Lindsay. She's causing trouble."

"Lindsay?"

"The one with the straight brows."

"Oh right. She's a mate of a mate. I don't really know her."

"She's causing trouble wiv my gal. Claims she's wiv me. Look at Lindsay Faulkner's Twitter."

"It's the middle of the frigging night man."

"OK. Well, she'saying we're a couple and stuff. She's fucking nuts."

"She is a bit of a weirdo," Marcus confessed. "Didn't think she'd do anything like that though."

"Who's the mate who brought her?"

"Nikki," Marcus replied. "I'll ask her what's going on in the morning - we work together."

"Ask now!" Nutty demanded.

"I can't ..."

"Phone Nikki and ask her now."

"OK then," Marcus replied. "I'll get back in a bit."

"Thanks mate."

A couple of minutes later, Marcus sent an apology text to say Nikki's phone was turned off and he'd left a voicemail. We finished our tea and then all agreed we needed to try to get a couple of hours more sleep if we possibly could and we retired to bed but I didn't sleep a wink.

At about half past seven, Marcus phoned Nutty, waking him up. Nutty put the phone on loud speaker again. "Nikki says Lindsay gets obsessions with men. Apparently, she caused some trouble with a married man who lived down her road - almost drove the couple to divorce."

Nutty's eyes widened as he listened. "Why's she still friends with the crackhead then?"

"Goodness knows!"

"Well, it's a wonder the bitch has got any fucking friends. Pity Nikki brought her. I'm fucking exhausted and I gotta drive back to London."

Chapter Seventeen

I needed three coffees and three slices of jam on toast to give me the energy for work that day. I just hoped all the coffee wouldn't give me a horrid migraine. Nutty dropped me off at work. He had to travel back home before heading north for a gig. I waved goodbye, waited until he was out of sight then crossed the road, walked a few yards to the newsagents, bought one copy of every national paper, and carried them to work.

I was scheduled to work all morning on the box office serving window.

I split the papers equally between Suki, Rose and myself, explaining about the photographers. We skimmed through the papers between attending to snappy Christmas shopping stressed customers, but the photo wasn't in there. I'd spent twelve quid on bloody newspapers and the picture wasn't even in there! To make it worse, the stressed customers seemed to get nastier and nastier as the morning went on. I really wanted to round them up, dig a big pit, push them all into it and then send a big truck along to fill it in with cement.

Suki and I couldn't wait to get away for lunch together. At half-past twelve, we crossed the road to one of our favourite cafes - The Sesame Bap - a dark, atmospheric place with checked table cloths and wood effect walls.

We chose Christmas nut roast in a bun, plus a large gingerbread soya latte each. The café was so busy the food took ages. By the time we left, we were already ten minutes late back to work.

Then we spotted Dudley bouncing along in a Santa hat. Suki went to say hello, but he didn't see her. He was too busy looking across the road, watching a young woman who was wearing skinny, pink, bottom-hugging trousers. He was so busy staring and smiling at her butt that Suki wasn't the only thing he failed to see. He stepped out into the road in front of a white Audi estate and screamed as the horn sounded and the vehicle skidded to a halt, stopping about an inch from his leg.

The driver, an elderly sandy haired man, emerged from the car red-faced, shaking his fist. "Look where you're going you bloody idiot!"

A shaken Dudley stared saucer-eyed at the man and asked, "Do you realise who I am?"

"Yes - you're a stupid fool who doesn't look where he's going!"

Dudley smirked at the man. "I'm Dudley Mountain - the rock star."

The man looked confused. "Dudley Mountain?" He squinted at Dudley. "Well, so you are! I didn't recognise you - you've put on a fair bit of blubber since your popular days."

Dudley scowled at him, before stepping back onto the pavement, throwing down his Santa hat and stamping on it.

Embarrassed for Dudley, Suki and I disappeared down an alleyway for a short while so he wouldn't be aware we'd witnessed the encounter.

The next day I awoke feeling as though I'd never slept. I wasn't sure whether it was stress induced, or whether I was coming down with some dratted winter virus. I spent the morning lazing around in my night clothes.

Just before lunch, as I was downing an espresso, Suki phoned. "Hi Yazmin!" she said. "How are you?"

I could tell by the tone of her voice something was up.

"Are you OK?" I asked.

"Have you seen the Sunday papers?" she replied slowly.

"No."

"Oh."

I stayed silent as my heart skipped a beat, or two, or three.

"I've seen something in one of the papers. I'll email a scan to you." Then she hung up without saying goodbye.

I knocked back the remains of my espresso and choked on it. The coffee came splattering out of my mouth and spotted my white velour dressing gown. I stepped into some casual clothes - jogging bottoms and hoodie and threw the gown into the washing machine, my hands shaking the whole time as I waited for Suki's email. It was obviously something bad - I could tell by the tone of her voice.

Five minutes later, I gasped as the email appeared in my inbox. Breathing heavily, I opened it up and froze in horror as I saw the headline Nutty Dumps Dudley's Castoff for Miss Silky. I glared at the screen. Dudley's castoff? I'd never been so insulted in my life! At the top was a large photo of me screaming at Nutty as he stared wide-eyed at me, looking scared as though I was about to do a wrestling move on him. Further down the page was the old photo of Dudley and me walking along by the theatre and, next to that, a sexy still from the Rub-A-Dub-Dub video. I couldn't even read the piece. My brain had gone to mush. Shaking and blubbering, I dialled Nutty's number. It went straight to answerphone - most likely because he'd been doing a gig in Sheffield the previous evening and had probably only had a couple of hours sleep.

I phoned Suki again.

"Hi," she said slowly.

"I can't read it!" I screamed.

"Won't the attachment open?" asked a puzzled Suki.

"Yes - the attachment will bloody open - my eyes just can't read the words. I'm so upset, Suki! I don't know what to do."

"That's the trouble with being with someone famous - I guess famous is the word for him now. Your private life gets plastered all over the papers and shit."

"What the fuck are they saying?"

"I'm sure it's all lies."

"I know, but what does it say?"

"It basically says he begged Miss Silky ..."

"Shut up! I don't want to hear it!"

"But you just asked ..."

"OK, he basically begged Miss Silky to what?"

" To leave her fiancé and that you were a domineering bitch who he's glad to get rid of. It's all lies - I shouldn't take too much notice."

"Shouldn't take too much notice?" I bellowed. "I've been called a bitch all over the national newspapers!"

"It doesn't actually say the word bitch."

"You just said bitch!"

"Well, I ..."

"I've been made a fool of. Tracy and Eyebrow Bitch and everyone will be laughing at me!"

"But it isn't true. Just make sure you're seen around with him smiling instead of scowling, so the next article will claim you're getting married or something stupid."

"What's so stupid about that?"

"Nothing - I mean they can make up another lie."

Then Mum came home from work. "Oh my goodness sweetie," she said, dropping her handbag as well as a bag of shopping. "Have you seen the newspaper?"

"Y - yes!" I cried. I cut Suki off.

"I've been shaking at work all morning," Mum said. "I didn't know how to tell you. It isn't true, is it?"

"I hope not!" I said through chattering teeth. By now, I was shivering and cuddling myself and gasping for breath.

Mum put her arms around me. "What has Nutty said about all this?" she asked, stroking my hair.

"He hasn't!" I replied, still crying.

"He's denying it?"

"His phone is turned off. He did the Sheffield rave last night."

"Then let's go and see him," Mum said. "Get dressed!"

"I don't feel well," I replied, shivering. "And he might still be in Sheffield or somewhere."

"OK baby. How about taking a nice hot bath and then seeing how you feel?"

I ran a deep, steamy bubble bath and sank into it. As I lay there, I began to calm down and put things into perspective. Nutty was right - those men were trying to wind me up and get a good photo and now they were saying the fury on my face was about him leaving me for Miss Silky Knickers and that I was abusive and argumentative. It was all lies. After the bath, Mum showed me a copy of the paper she'd brought from work. There weren't many words. It basically just said we'd had a series of arguments and that I'd been domineering and that he'd described Miss Silky as the love of his life. It also claimed she'd taken some persuading to leave Jamie after Nutty begged her to be with him. It did seem more than a little over the top.

After a soothing rosehip tea, I managed a light lunch and stalked both Nutty's and Miss Silky's twitter at short intervals, but they were both staying silent. I waited another three and a half hours before Nutty finally called.

"Hi," I said nervously.

"Hiya!" Nutty said. "How are you?"

"I've seen the paper," I said.

"I'm flabbergasted!" he replied. "Just woken up when my brother brought a copy round, then I looked at my phone and found about a hundred texts from friends and family. I hope you don't believe that bollocks."

I let out one of my embarrassingly loud sighs of relief. "It did seem stupidly over the top," I answered.

"Have you looked at Miss Silky's Twitter?"

"Yes. She seems to be staying silent."

"Have you looked in the last fifteen minutes?"

"Yes," I replied.

"You can't have done," he said brightly. "Take another look and phone me back." He hung up.

I went into the Twitter app with trembling hands. Then I went onto Miss Silky's page and saw the good news: 'Jamie and I are expecting a baby!'

I grinned in delight. She didn't even say anything about the newspaper. Good for her not to give them the satisfaction of even being mentioned. She'd just ignored the slimy bastards and announced her pregnancy.

Then a text came through from Nutty asking me to look at his own Twitter.

Nervously, I went onto his page and there was a zany picture of him and me laughing together beneath the words 'I love my beautiful Yazmin.' He'd followed it up with a heart emoji.

I cried tears of joy as I showed both pages to Mum before texting him: Hi too choked up to speak at the mo. I love you! xxx

Love you too! He replied, following it up with a sweet smiley face and half a dozen coloured hearts.

Back in the land of the happy again, I went around for the rest of the day with a grin plastered all over my face and enjoyed one of my happiest weeks ever.

Two days before Christmas, I awoke in my flat next to a snoring Nutty Bonkers. Due to the spooky goings on, he'd abandoned his flat in Skindlesworth and it was now being decorated ready for the single mum and her baby to move in early in the New Year, pending the exorcism.

As I drifted across the hallway, making for the bathroom, Mum jumped out of the kitchen, beaming. "Have you seen the snow?"

"Snow?" I answered, still half asleep.

I looked out the kitchen window to see soft, swirling snowflakes and a decent layer of snow on the ground. All the fir trees in the grounds were glistening white.

Mum grinned. "Looks like we're gonna have a white Christmas!"

"Hope so!" I answered brightly.

Then Nutty shouted from the bedroom, "Snow? I need to get back to London!"

My heart sank. Suddenly that white Christmas didn't seem so appealing.

"You can stay here if you like!" I offered.

"No!" he replied. "I can't let my aunt and uncle down - I haven't seen them since I was seven!"

"I thought your uncle was dead ..."

"That's my dad's brother. It's my mum's bro who's coming for Christmas."

In my half-asleep state, I'd forgotten his proud relatives were coming from Jamaica to spend Christmas with him and his family. They were both big fans and very proud of him. He had promised to spend Christmas evening with Mum and me, but the snow was coming down thick and fast and there was now a real danger I wouldn't get to spend Christmas night with my bloke. There'd been travel warnings already in numerous parts of the country that week.

I returned to the bedroom to find Nutty peering out through the curtain. "I'd better grab a coffee and go soon."

"You sound like you're in a rush," I said, concerned. "You can't drive on snowy roads in a rush - you might crash!"

"I know Yaz - that's why I need to get going."

"OK," I said wearily.

I made him a coffee and a couple of slices of toast. He bolted them down then kissed me goodbye. I watched sadly as he left. The snow continued to fall thick and fast for most of the morning. Mum and I travelled through the blizzard and joined a virtual stampede of panic buying shoppers before coming home and putting our feet up with frangipane topped mince pies and coffee to watch Bad Santa.

Two days later, Mum and I looked out of the window to see the most beautiful Christmas day ever. A bright and beautiful sun shone down upon the thick, brilliant carpet of snow and the fir trees glistened and sparkled like magic. The beautiful sight couldn't ease my disappointment though - Nutty wouldn't be able to come and see us, but it was still the best Christmas ever as he was my boyfriend and he'd promised to FaceMessage me anyway.

Mum and I began the day with festive looking cranberry scones washed down with coffee before exchanging presents. There were no less than eight parcels under the tree - seven of which were mine. I ripped them open in delight finding, amongst other things, a pair of gold star earrings, bubble bath, fancy hair ties, snowman pyjamas and a fifty quid iTunes voucher. I handed Mum her single present - the lovely red laptop she'd been talking about getting since July.

"Thank you so much!" she said, hugging me.

We had a different but pleasant Christmas day snowed in together enjoying films, eating a lovely filling Christmas dinner of nut roast, veggie sausages, roast spuds, sliced carrots, sprouts,sage and onion stuffing balls, and onion gravy. Then, as promised, Nutty FaceMessaged me together with his mum, dad, aunt and uncle. They were lovely, and they all seemed to like us too, which was a bonus. Then Mum had a couple of glasses of sparkling wine and started skanking around the flat to Dudley's dreadful Plastic Automaton album, pretending to be a malfunctioning robot until elderly neighbours came banging on the door.

"We don't want to make war on Christmas day," they said. "But would you mind turning that awful mechanical din down before we report you for noise pollution?" I was in fits of giggles, but the music gave me nightmares on Christmas night. I hated that failed eighties synth pop revival disaster album with a passion.

Chapter Eighteen

The snow gradually melted away over a series of cold but sunny days.

On New Years' Eve, a very excited Suki arrived at the flat looking seriously stunning in black jeans, padded black jacket and fluffy pink jumper dotted with sequins. "Hiya!" she exclaimed as she stepped over the threshold. "I'm so excited!"

Mum emerged from the bathroom in her bath robe, a white towel around her freshly washed hair. "Hi Suki," she said. "You look fantastic!"

"Thanks!" Suki said with a smile. "Are you coming to the party?"

"I wasn't invited," Mum said. "That damned throat virus has taken some recovering from anyway. I'm not sure I'd be up to partying tonight - I'm still weak. I'm quite glad to be staying here to be honest. I think I'll make myself a warm fruit squash, would you like one?"

"Yes please!" Suki said, beaming brightly.

"I'll make it Mum," I offered. "You dry your hair."

"That would be lovely," she said, disappearing into her bedroom.

Suki sat herself down at the kitchen bar as I filled the kettle. "If I tell you something, will you promise to keep it a secret?" she whispered.

"Of course," I said softly, wondering what the hell she was about to say.

"Cliff wasn't supposed to tell me this, so I don't want to get him into trouble. The Two Masks Company are putting on an exciting play in the summer, written by and starring Dudley!"

I pulled a face. "What's exciting about it?"

Suki grinned in sheer delight. "It's going to be performed outdoors - it's a fairy play."

My eyes widened as I imagined Dudley playing a big fairy in a pair of tights and glittery wings dancing balletically. The thought wasn't nice. "Oh," I said. "Sounds ... different."

"There's more!" Suki continued. "They want about a hundred townsfolk to be in the play as extras. We could do it!"

"Wow!" I replied, suddenly understanding her excitement. "I'm up for it!"

"Fantastic! Shouldn't be too difficult landing parts in it - me being practically Dudley's family and working at the theatre and stuff."

"I'm sure we will." I said, pouring cranberry squash into three mugs. "Just hope we can stand the sight of Dudley in tights."

"Tights?"

"If he's playing a fairy I imagine he'll wear tights."

Suki looked like she was having second thoughts. "Oh God - remember seeing him in those tight cycling shorts?"

"How could I ever forget?" I said, swallowing down a glob of acid puke.

"Anyway," she went on. "Don't forget you're not supposed to know this."

"My lips are zipped!" I replied.

Suki giggled before downing most of her drink. Then she received a text and peered at her phone. "It's from Cliff. They're here already!" she said excitedly.

"They're fifteen minutes early," I said. "Oh well, I guess we're ready."

She texted Cliff back as I knocked on Mum's bedroom door. As the hairdryer stopped, I poked my head into her room. "They've arrived." I said. "Your drink's in the kitchen. Do you want me to bring it in?"

Mum smiled. "No - I'll have it in a minute. Have a good time sweetie!"

"Thanks Mum."

I slung my long black quilted coat over my jeans and jumper. Then Suki and I picked up our handbags and made our way to the carpark where Nutty's black sporty VW Polo was waiting. Nutty sat at the wheel, smiling brightly. We hopped into the back seat with Cliff.

Dudley had plonked himself in the front passenger seat. He turned around and grinned, showing his stumpy nicotine stained teeth. "Ready for the party girls?" he asked.

"I can't wait!" Suki replied, beaming.

I just smiled politely. Of course we were ready for the bloody party.

The car sped off and was soon zooming along the motorway. I was a bundle of nerves, as usual. I sat there just hoping the journey wouldn't take too long. As we whizzed along, Nutty blared out rap music as Dudley, Cliff and Suki moved their arms around like rappers and spat some of the bars. I was surprised Dudley didn't make Nutty turn the tunes off so we could hear Dudley's own embarrassing songs. Eventually, we left the motorway, drove through a scruffy, run-down town and then through a peculiar little village of strange old cottages which looked like something out of a fairy tale. Then Nutty's satnav told him to turn right into a wooded area.

"Are you sure this is right?" Suki said.

"Yeah," Dudley replied. "This is Bernard's place!"

"Oh," Suki said. "OK."

Suki and I exchanged frightened glances as the car crawled through the horribly dark twisting forest path. Suddenly, as we took another twist, the headlights lit up a freaky grinning statue. Suki and I screamed. The men all howled with laughter.

We then stared out the window, open mouthed, as we approached the spookiest looking gothic mansion we had ever seen, it's turrets outlined against a dark, eerie sky. I swallowed down a lump in my throat as Nutty parked his car just right of the huge black front door. My legs felt like jelly as I emerged from the car. Then Dudley hauled himself out of the front seat and I got the shock of my life - he was wearing a green tartan kilt. My first thought was I just hoped he was wearing something underneath it. I think he caught the disgust on my face. We moved toward the large, black, gothic door, Dudley put his pudgy hand upon the brass gargoyle knocker and rapped loudly.

After a short wait, the door was slowly opened by Bernard - a very thin and creepy-looking, pale, old, bald man. "Mr Mountain and friends!" he said in a deep, unsettling voice. "How delightful to see you all. Step right this way!"

I froze. I couldn't walk. The others entered the mansion, realised I wasn't there and turned back to look. Nutty just about managed to help me up the step. The door led straight into a high-ceilinged room which was dimly lit by torchlight. It had wood-panelled walls and a staircase which led up into darkness. A couple of dozen people were enjoying glasses of wine. As soon as we entered the room, they all stopped chatting and stared at us. They looked really creepy - like a bunch of old witches. It didn't look like this was going to be the young swinging party I'd imagined. I felt like I'd walked into a scene from some old horror movie. I just hoped we weren't about to be sacrificed on some altar hidden in the bowels of the mansion.

Bernard poured us a glass of red wine each and brought them over on a tray. I felt a bit awkward, as I wasn't able to drink alcohol for fear of migraine, but I said nothing and politely took the glass.

Bernard eyed Suki and me. "I haven't had the pleasure," he said, reaching out his hand to Suki.

"Suki," said Suki, beaming as usual.

Then he shook my hand. "Yazmin," I said in a trembling voice. I couldn't smile as my face had frozen.

"Very pretty girls," he said, looking at us creepily. "Very pretty girls indeed."

I wanted to run.

"Suki is Cliff's new lady - and Yazmin's Nutty's gal," Dudley piped up.

"Both boys have done very well," Bernard said. "Very well indeed."

A chill passed through my spine as I wondered if we'd been lured here as sacrifices. Perhaps Nutty and Cliff were part of the coven, or perhaps I'd just watched too many horror movies in my time. Then Bernard began talking to Nutty and Dudley about Pete Bohemian - some rock star who'd been famous for a short time before I was born. He'd died the previous week of unknown causes at the age of fifty-seven. Bernard had produced all his hits. This conversation did nothing to ease my nerves.

I threw Suki a worried glance. "Would you like my wine?" I asked.

"Thanks!" she answered, guzzling down the remains of her own glass and swapping it with mine. "What are you going to drink?"

"I've got a couple of juices in my bag," I said unzipping it with trembling hands. I needed a drink as my mouth had gone all dry. I pulled out a bottle of pressed apple juice and gulped most of it down.

Suki gestured toward a chaise longue by a window and we sat down. She sat there and drank my wine. Then Bernard noticed us both holding empty glasses and brought a bottle over. Suki gladly let him pour her yet another glass, I put my hand over the top of mine and politely declined. Bernard went back to continue his conversation with Nutty, Cliff and Dudley.

"You should have let him pour you another glass," Suki said merrily. "I'd have had it."

"I think you've had enough - we need to look after each other. I don't like the feel of this place."

"The people all seem very nice."

"Is that what you really think?"

Suki looked at me, concerned. "What's wrong?"

"They're all creepy. Especially Bernard."

"They're just old," Suki reassured me. "The place has spooked you out - that's all."

"Don't you think they look weird?"

"No, you nutter - they look very glamorous to me. Hope I look as cool when I reach their age." She looked towards the buffet table. "I'm hungry - let's see what's there."

"I'm not," I said, my stomach in knots. "I'll come with you though."

Nutty, Cliff and Dudley were now greeting a grinning crowd of glamorous people who'd just arrived. It looked like they'd travelled there by mini bus as there were at least a couple of dozen of them.

Suki picked up a golden paper plate and browsed the table. She scooped up two big handfuls of nuts and raisins and added a couple of vol-au-vents. "Sure you don't want anything whilst there's plenty of food?" she asked. "May as well have something."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," I agreed forcing down a cucumber sandwich and nibbling half a dozen peanuts.

Then Bernard appeared with another tray of drinks and Suki downed yet another glass of wine and was soon very drunk.

Nutty and Cliff were now dancing like a pair of clowns. Suki grabbed my arm. "Let's explore this place!" she said, her dark eyes twinkling. "It looks really exciting!"

I sneered. "You're drunk!"

"So what? Let's explore!"

"You can't go poking around the rooms without Bernard's permission!"

Suki looked towards the main door and my eyes followed. Bernard had fallen asleep in a velvet chair, apparently sozzled.

I sighed. "Well, we'll have to tell the others where we're going."

"Go ahead," Suki agreed. "But don't take too long - I'm dying to see this place."

I ambled over to Nutty. "I hope this is OK - Suki wants to take a look around the mansion. Do you think Bernard would mind?"

"I doubt it in his state," Nutty laughed. "Go ahead. Have fun!"

"See you in a bit," I said, heading back to Suki, who was half way up the stairs looking very excited and very drunk. I followed her. We crept up the stairs before sneaking around the first floor. Up and down dark corridors, past wooden doors and leaded windows which all looked the same. "Can we go back down now?" I said. "This is just a bit too spooky for my liking."

"Don't be a prude!" Suki squealed, grabbing my arm tightly. "There's more to this place - Cliff told me! Besides, I thought you liked horror movies."

"I do. I think I've watched too many of them - that's what's making this all the more scary."

We climbed the stairs to a long, dark corridor. A couple of doors were open and led into old fashioned bedrooms with wood panelled walls and four poster beds lit only by moonlight. Then we climbed another set of stairs to the second floor. The floor was lined with paintings of people from the Victorian era. We walked along the dimly lit corridor staring at them. There was something I didn't like about the corridor or about the paintings. It was all seriously creepy. Every single painting had eyes which seemed to follow you. A shiver crept down my spine.

"I think we've seen enough," I said. I was terrified.

We looked down out of a leaded window at the lamplit courtyard to see Nutty and Dudley sitting on a bench laughing and chatting together. Dudley was smoking a cigarette. Suki banged on the window and waved wildly, but they didn't seem to hear. It was like being in the middle of some horrid, unsettling dream.

"Just one more floor to go," Suki said.

"I don't think we should go up there." I shuddered. "Let's get back to the party."

"Don't be a coward!" Suki protested.

"Ok then," I agreed, although my gut feeling was telling me not to proceed.

We turned the corridor. This part of the house was unlit so I turned on my phone torch and searched for a light switch, but couldn't find one. Then the torch lit up another set of stairs. To our horror, they led nowhere - just stopped at the ceiling.

"Now that's just weird!" I said weakly.

"Oh my God!" Suki squealed. "I saw a documentary once about that house in America - The Winchester Mystery House. Have you heard of the place?"

"Don't think so," I answered. "Did it have stairs like that?"

"Yes!" Suki exclaimed. "And doors which opened out into thin air and blank walls, and strange rooms. It was built by a lady who used a Ouija board to consult spirits and they told her to build it that way. She had it built on and built on for years until the day she died. Perhaps something similar happened here!"

Then everything went black. My phone had died.

"Shit!" I said. "Quick! Get your phone."

"I left my phone downstairs," Suki replied, sounding very scared.

We felt our way around the walls, then we came across a glass door, behind which was a room, all dimly glowing with lilac lights. We opened the door, crept through it and found ourselves in a long, narrow, purple-painted room with mirrors all along one side.

As we walked along and looked into each mirror, our images were distorted, just like something from a funfair. We gasped as we watched ourselves change from skinny, to fat, to long legged, to big headed, to long necked to alien-faced. But we didn't laugh. The whole experience was just too weird. Suki and I walked along looking in mirror after mirror, each one distorting our reflections in increasingly weird ways. Then we looked into the final mirror and screamed.

"It's the thirteenth mirror," Suki cried. "I counted them!"

Chapter Nineteen

In the thirteenth mirror was a creepy moving shadow of a hooded man.

"Let's get out of here!" Suki yelled.

We ran back to the door which had led us into this strange room. Suki pulled and pushed the handle frantically but it was locked!

We froze and held onto each other tightly as the hooded man stepped out of the mirror. He turned toward us and wailed, "You can never go back girls - you can never go back."

Then a familiar figure leaped out of the door shouting, "Boo!"

We screamed and both figures started laughing at us. It was Cliff and another young man.

"Got ya fooled!" Cliff laughed, pointing and laughing at Suki and me.

Suki rushed forward and pushed Cliff roughly. Then he was laughing no more. "No need for that!" he said.

"You came seeking a big thrill and we gave you one!" said the other man. "Serves you both right for sneaking around my house without permission. I'm Bernard's son - Julian."

We just glared at the disgusting pair as Julian looked at his watch and declared, "It's getting on for midnight - we'd better return to the party." He unlocked the door and led us all back down the dark corridor, lighting the way with his mobile phone torch.

Very soon, we passed the mysterious staircase.

"Why do the stairs stop at the roof?" Suki asked curiously.

"They don't stop at the roof!" Julian laughed. "It's the loft hatch!"

"So, the house wasn't built by spirits?" Suki asked.

Julian stopped, and scarily lit up his face with his phone torch. "Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. Who knows?"

Cliff laughed.

"Have you never heard of The Winchester Mystery House?" Suki asked. "It was built by spirits using a Ouija board."

Cliff stared at her, concerned. "Are you on drugs?" he asked.

"Type Winchester Mystery House into a search engine," Suki said. "It's in America."

"I'll do that later," Julian said. He looked at his watch again. "Yikes! It's two minutes to midnight. We'd better hurry!"

We swiftly followed him back down the maze of spooky corridors and creaky stairs, arriving back in the huge room just in time for the countdown.

"Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. Happy New Year!" everyone cried merrily.

The place was a glorious sight as colourful party popper streamers flew in all directions and drunken people hugged and kissed and laughed together.

Nutty rushed over and kissed me. "Happy New Year sweetheart," he said tenderly, looking into my eyes.

"Happy New Year my darling," I said. "Love you."

"Love you too," he replied.

We held each other, watching everyone celebrating as we all sang Auld Lang Syne.

I smiled to myself. Last year had been the best year of my life so far - Mum and I leaving my alcoholic dad and renting the flat, landing the job at the world famous Two Masks Theatre, entering the actor boyfriend challenge with Suki, and meeting my idol and becoming his girlfriend!

Last year would sure take some beating, but I had so much to look forward to in the coming year - being with Nutty, working in my wonderful job with my best friend, hopefully appearing in Dudley's open-air fairy tale and maybe even becoming famous! The new year held great promise. Who knew what surprises were in store? I was determined to make it truly fantastic and I just couldn't wait!

About the Author

Candy J. Moon grew up in Saltburn-by-Sea and Stratford-upon-Avon. She has worked in a library, a theatre, a café and various offices. Candy loves nothing better than to spend time writing glittering stories to bring a little special magic into the lives of those who read them.

Thank you for reading my book. If you enjoyed it, please take a moment to leave me a review at your favourite retailer.

Thanks!

Candy J. Moon

Other Books

Magic Stone Hunt 1. The Magic Rainbow Stone

Magic Stone Hunt 2. Spooky House of Games

Magic Stone Hunt 3. Magic Potion Quest

Stage Door 1. Stars and Hearts

