-Brian, as you may know I've mastered all
disciplines of science and quite frankly I'm
bored of it.
-I understand. Writing became boring when
I perfected the art of storytelling.
-Riiiight. Well, I decided I wanted to take
on a new challenge, and learn how to use magic.
-Hate to break it to you, Stewie. Magic doesn't
exist, just like Santa Claus.
-Did Santa get this for me?
-No! I did! With my fucking money! Oh, wait.
Is that the action figure? Yeah, Santa got
that one.
-I know magic doesn't exist in THIS world,
but that's why I created a device to transport
us into the realm of a book.
-Where are we going?
-Hogwarts! No better place to learn magic
or racial superiority over Muggles.
[Machine Noise]
[Explosion]
[Music swells]
[Title Theme]
-It worked! And, here's the train! Good we
got past all the weird domestic abuse stuff
in the beginning.
-If you're Harry Potter, does that mean I'm
Ron Weasley? Wait! Doesn't he get to hook
up with Hermione? Where's she?
-Hey guys!
-Meg?!
-Let me guess... Neville Longbottom.
-The name's Hermione!
-Well, that's a pretty big part! You're gonna
be hanging out with us a whole lot!
[Dementor sweeps up Meg]
-...And, she's dead.
-Oh, thank God!
[Train Horn]
-Quick! Ron! We have to get on the train.
But, you know, I always wondered who was the
conductor of a train full of children traveling
to an undisclosed location.
-All aboard! Hey, Jared Fogle, don't hate the player, hate the game.
-Welcome to Hogwarts!
-Geez! Did you run to get here or something?
You're covered in sweat!
-I weigh 600 pounds, and I'm wearing 3 jackets.
What do you expect?
-Why are you wearing 3 jackets?
-Uhh, Hello! I look adorable? HA! Just kidding.
Honestly, I have horrible hygiene and I just
keep adding layers to cover the filth.
-Ugh! Do I smell...
-Yep. About 8 years worth of urine.
-Good God!
-So, uhh, you wanna go for a ride on my flying
motorcycle?
-Oh, that sounds so cool, but no, you smell
awful!
[title music]
-Look at this place! It's beautiful! You know,
I think I can get a lot of writing done here!
Do you think they have Wi-Fi?
-Are... Are you asking if they have internet?!
It's a magic castle! I don't think they would
bother with...
-Oh! They do.
-Well, there you go.
-Ugh! But, it's password protected.
-What?! They're worried about people stealing
their internet?! Who's...Who's even AROUND
to steal from them? You know, I'm gonna ask
them about this. I'm gonna... I'm gonna get
to the bottom of this!
[Great Hall Music]
-Welcome, Young Wizards! We'll use the sorting
hat to put you in 4 separate but equal houses.
There's Gryffindor... Slytherin... Hufflepuff...
and the Jews.
-It's pronounced "Ravenclaw."
-Mmmhmmm.
-This is so exciting! Which house do you think
is the best for writers?
-I believe the Jews are, but come on, you're
not getting into that house.
-How do you know?
-You're right! I don't! Ron and Harry were
very different people from us, and they were
both placed in Gryffindor. If the hat doesn't
do the same for us, it could put too much
stress on the storyline, and destroy this
world!
-First up is Harry Potter.
Alright!  Time to put y'all in a house!  But, first I gotta do a few stretches. I like to
be loose and limber when I do these things.
Okay, let's see. OH NOOOO! My powers says
I should put y'all in Slytherin.
-Sounds about right.
-But, I think them colors'll make you look
fat. And, that wouldn't be very appealing
at all, now would it? Oh! But, you'd look
great in Red and Gold, so I'll put y'all in
Gryffindor! YAY!!
-Well! That went better than the last time
I got picked for something.
-We made a mistake accepting your application
to Howard University! This is a school for
Black people! Please leave! Send in... Rachel
Dolezal?
[Pause]
-Welcome to Howard, Sista!
-Hahaha! Your house ghost is Nearly Headless
Nick.
-What are you talking about? His head is fine.
-It's not THAT head he's talking about.
-Oh!
-Draco Malfoy! Aren't you a little old to
be a first year student?
-Mrs. McGonagall says it's 'cause I'm special!
-How does getting a late start make you special?!
-You try explaining to him that he's just
stupid!
-Alright, everybody get some rest! Tomorrow's
gonna be your first day of class!
-And, don't forget your waaaands!
-My wand?! Damn! We must've skipped past that
scene as well!
-Ron! We have to go back!
-Go back? Go back to where?
-Diagon Alley!
-Clickio Subscribo! Nope? Alright, well I tried...
