- As scientists work to
contain the coronavirus--
- Coronavirus--
- Coronavirus--
- Has put so many people out of work--
- [Announcer] Store shelves
have been stripped bare--
- [Announcer] People
waiting in hour long lines--
- [Announcer] Scores of
colleges and universities
also canceling classes.
- No matter who you are, please stay home.
- [Announcer] Rudy Gobert
tested positive for the virus.
- The NBA suspended its season.
- [Announcer] More than 1300 new cases--
- It seems like we're not really prepared
for something like this.
- Things are definitely going to get worse
before they get better.
- [Announcer] Don't go to
bars, don't go to restaurants,
if you're an elderly person shelter in,
stay at home, don't go out.
If you look at the
pattern of the outbreak--
- [Steezy] Yo, dude, wake up.
- Oh, fuck, yo, what the fuck?
- [Steezy] Yo, there's this
coronavirus going around.
This is no time for sleeping.
- Dude, it's really not that serious.
It's just like a common cold.
- [Steezy] No, it's not.
This is life or death.
Oh man, we gotta go do something.
We need to go buy toilet paper.
- Why are you gonna buy toilet paper?
- [Steezy] I don't know, do
you have a better fucking idea?
- Yeah, go buy food.
- [Steezy] Food, dude we could just go
eat ass which is free.
Now what you don't want
to do is eat shit ass.
And that's exactly why
we need toilet paper.
Now come on, let's go before they run out.
- No, I'm not coming.
- [Steezy] All right, bro, more for me.
So lazy, I mean he's acting like
it's not even an apocalypse.
I almost touched the doorknob
until I remembered about rule number 34.
Possibly one of the most
important rules of all.
Never open doors with your hands.
(calm music)
(aerosol spraying)
Do you know where CVS is around here?
- [Man In Hat] Why?
- [Steezy] , I need toilet paper.
- [Man In Hat] TP?
- [Steezy] Yeah.
- [Man In Hat] Right down this way
- [Steezy] All right, thank You.
Coronavirus, I can't touch people.
(aerosol spraying)
You guys have any?
- What?
- [Steezy] Do you guys have
any of that good Purell?
Any hand sanitizer, toilet paper?
- [Woman In Hat] You're
okay, don't be paranoid.
- [Steezy] Social distancing, six feet.
- [Woman In Hat] Hey,
you're young, you're fine.
Oh my God.
(sneeze)
- [Man In Hat] We're okay.
- [Steezy] Yo, he's sneezing bro.
Do you guys have toilet paper?
- [Man] No.
- [Steezy] No?
That's fine, this should do.
Yeah this will definitely work.
This is like five wipes.
They didn't have any more toilet paper
so I got a toilet.
- Why?
- [Steezy] 'Cause they're
all gonna be gone soon.
Oh and I did get toilet paper
from the Taco Bell rest rooms.
I just went in and surprisingly
they still had some.
And Chipotle started charging
for their hand sanitizer.
- Wait, really?
- [Steezy] Yeah, but I didn't pay for it.
I just hit a lick and then I dipped.
Go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go.
- There's no way any of that happened.
- [Steezy] It all
happened bro, I don't lie.
(cough)
(dramatic music)
- [Steezy] Go upstairs.
- It's just a cough.
- Go upstairs!
- Okay.
- [Steezy] Go!
- [Christian] It's just a cough!
- [Steezy] Which is one of
the symptoms for the COVID-19.
- [Christian] Yeah, one of the symptoms.
It doesn't even affect us.
It only kills old people.
Let me out.
- You have to be quarantined
in there for at least two weeks.
- Two weeks?
How'd you get over there so fast?
That's so unrealistic.
Dude, let me out, please let me out.
- [Steezy] I'll let you out in two weeks.
- [Christian] How am I gonna get food?
- [Steezy] That's not my problem.
- Yes it kinda is.
Dude, let me out.
Dude, Steezy, let me out.
- [Steezy] Are you him?
- [Man In Hat] Who?
- [Steezy] Dave sent me, I'm running low.
- [Man In Hat] What's the password?
- [Steezy] Pussy, money,
weed, 420, skirt-skirt,
bitches ain't shit, hundred sign emoji.
- [Man In Hat] Well you got money?
- [Steezy] Yeah.
There you go.
Oh hell yeah.
- [Man In Hat] All right
now get the fuck outta here.
Be careful with it, keep it out of sight.
- [Steezy] All right, thanks.
(calm music)
- [Man In Hoodie] Give me
the fucking toilet paper.
- What?
- You heard me dumb ass.
Give me the fucking toilet paper!
- No.
- Bitch, you think
I'm fucking around?
- [Steezy] Woah, chill, chill.
Dude, I just spent the
last of my money on this.
- [Man In Hoodie] I don't give a shit
what you spent your money on.
Dude, we're all struggling.
You've got about three seconds
to put it in the fucking
bag before I cut you.
- [Steezy] I can't.
- [Man In Hoodie] All
right you're done here.
(Steezy coughs)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up with that.
(Steezy coughs)
Yo, yo, back up with that.
(Steezy laughs)
- [Steezy] Yeah so then I
just started fake coughing
and he ran away.
- [Woman] Well, are you okay?
- [Steezy] Yeah, I'm fine.
I would've took you to a
restaurant or something
but everything's closed
'cause of the virus.
- [Woman] Yeah, I know.
How many people are there now?
- [Steezy] Like 200,000 or something.
- [Woman] That's insane,
this is getting really scary.
- [Steezy] Well, you know
what would make it less scary?
(romantic music)
- [Woman] Wait, do you have protection?
- [Steezy] Oh, I got a
whole hazmat suit, baby.
(woman sneezes)
(dramatic music)
- [Woman] Excuse me.
Wait!
(gunshots fired)
(aerosol spraying)
- [Steezy] Bless you.
- What was that?
- [Steezy] Uh, nothing,
I'm playing Call of Duty.
(intense music)
Oh fuck.
Everything's okay,
everything's fucking fine.
I'm so sorry.
(grunting)
Oh that bitch is heavy.
- [Woman] Do you have protection?
- [Steezy] It was at this
point where I really started
to freak out.
I mean I just kissed someone
that has the coronavirus.
I was terrified.
I made sure to wash every
single part of my body
even though I was pretty
sure I was already infected.
I quarantined myself
in my room for a month.
Yeah, a month, just to be safe.
But nothing happened,
no symptoms whatsoever.
Christian thought I was overreacting,
but look at him now, he's dead.
- [Christian] This is my ghost speaking.
I died from starvation.
- [Steezy] I started to get
really lonely in that house.
I was there by myself for too long.
I could feel my body
start to rot from boredom.
Plus I was getting pretty horny.
I knew I had to go outside,
get some sunlight or something,
so I did.
(upbeat music)
Goal!
(coughing)
What, what, no, no, it's just
a cough, it's just a cough!
- [Man] I don't give a fuck what it is!
- This looks extremely sketchy.
Like we're just hoping
the cops don't pull up.
'Cause like what do you say?
Not really anything.
(beep)
