 ( music playing )
Announcer:
 What's up, New Orleans?
 This is "Comedy Central
 Stand-Up Presents."
 Ladies and gentlemen,
 Langston Kerman.
( cheers, applause )
Hi! Hey!
Hey! What's up,
New Orleans? Hi!
Oh, this is tight!
What up?
I'm so excited to be--
I love New Orleans, man.
- I really do.
- ( cheers, applause )
I just been drinking
Hand Grenades
and shitting neon.
It's tight.
My shit coming out spooky!
I love this place!
This is great, man.
Thank you for being here.
I've been traveling a lot.
I've been, like,
on the road quite a bit.
I spent a month
this year in Canada.
I was, like,
living in Canada.
Yeah, it's just better.
It's better
than America, y'all.
Like, you don't have to
be here. It's better.
I like Canada.
They're doing some progressive
shit in Canada.
I saw a white woman
washing windows.
You know what I mean?
Do you understand how
exciting that was for me?
Just walking past, like,
"Oh, shit, y'all do that?
I didn't know you had
those muscles."
It blew my-- a part of me
wanted to run up to her
and be like,
"Psst! Hey, white girl.
Youse can be free.
You can be free, white girl.
You ain't got to live
like this no more.
In America, there are
vintage furniture stores
as far as the eye can see.
You can bring your dog
inside of restaurants.
Just ruin people's meal
with pet dander and privilege."
( applause )
"Listen, white girl.
Listen to me. Listen to me!
Free yourself.
Free yourself!
Find the North Star,
and then walk backwards.
To freedom!
Get on that above-ground
railroad!
It's just a regular train.
It's a
reasonably-priced train."
I just want
a white slave so bad.
I do. I just want one of y'all
singing slave hymnals,
you know what I mean?
Just like,
♪ Wade in da water ♪
♪ Wade in da water ♪
Karen!
♪ Wade ♪
♪ In da water ♪
♪ Karen gon' send back
the water ♪
♪ This isn't
Pellegrino water ♪
♪ She specifically asked
for Pellegrino water ♪
This is what
my comedy's like.
I don't know.
This is tight, man.
I used to live
with a white woman.
That was pretty cool.
I did.
I lived with a white woman
for like a year,
and it was beautiful.
We, like, really, like,
learned so much about each other
and shared
this really beautiful bond.
I should be clear.
We weren't having sex.
I know the law.
But, like...
...we were roommates.
It was tight, man.
I really learned--
My white woman,
she believed in ghosts.
I call her "my white woman"
because I own her, right?
Y'all don't want her back.
I was playing
too much DMX in the house.
She's ruined.
It's not good.
My white woman
believed in ghosts.
Any of y'all do that?
Any of you nice white ladies
believe in ghosts?
Yeah? Some of you?
You do?
Okay, cool. Why?
Why do you do that?
Have you ever seen a ghost?
No.
Never once in your life?
So, you just want
to be scared when you're
shitting and stuff?
You just want to be
a little nervous
when you're cooking dinner
and all that.
My-- she was like you.
She actively believed
that ghosts exist.
One time she woke me up,
middle of the night.
She came to my room
to tell me she thinks
our apartment is haunted,
because she could hear
sounds in the walls.
We lived in Brooklyn,
New York.
You under-- She came up,
"Oh, my God, Langston,
I think we have ghosts.
I can hear them in the walls."
To which I replied, "Hush.
Hush.
Hey, what do you need?
What do you need?
Almond butter duvet covers?
Hush.
We don't have ghosts.
Look at our neighbor--
look where we live.
There's no ghosts.
We're just poor."
That's the sweet sound
of poverty, baby girl.
That's not a ghost
rattling his chains.
That's a crackhead having sex
with a shopping cart.
That's how they procreate.
That's why every crackhead
has a shopping cart.
They're life partners."
Right? "With this ringworm,
I be wed."
I do think that's the best part
about being a white woman.
I'll say that. I do.
I think that's-- you guys
get to believe in ghosts,
and that's really nice.
I don't get to believe--
you know how silly I'd be
to be like, "Yo, nigga,
there's ghosts in here."
I have a hard enough time
convincing my black friends
we can shop at The Gap.
"At The Gap? Mother--
I can't shop at The Gap!
Fuck I look like,
Ross from 'Friends'?
Oh, you just want me
to dance in a goddamn--
Let me tell you something.
They gave my brother 10 years
for dancing in a fountain.
Said he ruined
all those wishes."
Contaminated the water.
Black people don't get
to believe in shit.
We don't get to be whimsical
like y'all.
We don't get to use
our imaginations or nothing.
This is how fucked up
America is.
Black people don't even get
to believe in police brutality.
I knew this wasn't
gonna be fun no more.
( laughter, applause )
We don't!
All these years we've
been screaming,
"The police,
they're killing us.
They're murdering--
they're doing unfair--
we just want it to be fair."
And white people
are like, "No!
No, hey, stop it!
Shut up!
The police are our friends.
Sh-- yeah-- shut--
hey, sure he shot you,
but you wiggled.
You shouldn't have wiggled.
You're a wiggler!
You're a dirty,
rotten wiggler.
A no-good, welfare wiggler."
And then
one white lady's like,
"I think I have a ghost
in my apartment.
I haven't seen it,
but my salad bowl was over here,
and now it's over here."
And all of white America's
like, "We believe you."
We believe every word.
The world is filled
with possibility."
It's a tough time in America
right now, man.
Everybody's, you know,
very tense,
and I don't have any, like,
crazy insights or anything.
I'll say this,
if we learned anything
from the past election,
I think it's
that white people sure
know how to keep a secret.
Do you know what I mean?
No? You guys
did a number on us.
And I don't know if y'all had
a group chat, or like...
...if that's what y'all
talk about at West Elm,
but my goodness.
My God,
was this the first year
where we kinda thought
we were on the same page.
Like, as a-- we were like,
"Well, we not--
we not gonna make him
the president, right?
He not gonna be in charge
of everything, right?
He's not gonna be the president
of the United States."
And then, as soon as
that voter booth went up,
as soon as that divider
went into place,
y'all were like,
"Mm mm mm.
I like his hair.
Ha ha ha!
I've liked his hair
this whole time.
I know I said
I didn't like it,
but I like it... Jamal.
Dumb-ass Jamal."
Find things
that make you happy, man.
I think that's the key.
I'm in-- I'm in love.
- I got a girlfriend,
 she's tight.
- ( cheers, applause )
Yeah. It's great, man.
We just moved
to Los Angeles together.
We were living long-distance
before this, which is tough.
Anybody doing long-distance
relationships?
- Anybody doing? Yeah?
- ( scattered cheers )
It's hard, right?
She was in Baltimore,
I was in New York.
So it was, like, three hours,
and it's tough, man.
It's hard to make someone
feel sexy from a distance.
Because sex is present,
it's now,
it's right in front of you.
There's nothing you can do
to replicate--
I can't, like, be on the phone,
like, "Ha ha, yeah, girl.
I'ma tear that ass up...
in two to three weeks time.
Whoo! I hope
you getting wet, girl!
And then I hope
you store that wet.
Maybe put it in some
Tupperware or on ice.
I'll get to it.
Ooh, what am I gonna
do to you, girl?
What am I gonna do to you?
Well, first of all,
I'm gonna
take a Chinatown bus.
That's right,
the illegal one.
I'ma ride that for
about six to eight hours,
even though it should
only take three.
Ooh, and the whole time
I'm on that bus, girl?
I said, the whole time
I'm on that bus?
I'ma be sitting next
to an old Asian man
holding a live rooster.
Why is that bird on that bus?
It's hard to say, girl.
Tell you this, that rooster
is not happy about it.
And baby, baby, baby,
sweetheart, lil' mama,
when I finally make it
to Baltimore,
I said, when I finally make it
to where you live-- ha ha!
I'm probably gonna be too tired
to have sex with you.
It has been a long day.
Would you like to fall asleep
watching prison shows?"
It was just hard.
My girlfriend's mom
is single.
She's dating, at 60,
and that's hard, right?
And that's not,
like, funny.
You laughed 'cause you're
an asshole, but like--
You're not a good dude.
I can see that now.
I liked you at first,
but now you're just a monster.
She is, she's dating,
and so we care,
we love her, right?
So to help her, we made her
an OKCupid account.
Right.
It didn't help at all.
But I'll say this,
it has been the thrill
of my life.
I got her passwords.
I read every note...
- ( audience groans )
- ...that she writes,
and every one that comes back.
I love how older people
talk to each other, man.
I do. Like, online?
It's so charming
because they're so raw
and honest
in a way that we as young people
don't know how to be,
because we're presenting.
They don't give a fuck, right?
So the websites
will say, like, "Hey,
list ten fun facts
about yourself,
and we'll help you find
that sp--"
and they just list
the first ten facts
that pop into their head.
So it will be like,
"Construction worker!
 Lonely! Hemorrhoids!"
Like, that's it.
"Love me!"
Every older person's
profile reads
like this unwavering
stream of consciousness,
do you know what I mean?
Just like an old man yelling
into the wind, like,
"Hello!
Hello!
I am FedoraDaddy1978!
I'm a divorced
father of three!
But don't worry,
my kids don't call me anymore.
I was recently
fired from my job
for only knowing how to type
with one finger!
I'll let you guess
which finger!
I'm looking for
that special someone
who can love me
and help me figure out
if my milk is expired.
How can you tell?
I tried sniffing it,
but that's how they get you.
Call me on my email.
I'll be here any time,
day or night.
I don't sleep much,
as I'm very worried
my son might be
a homosexual.
How can you tell?
I tried sniffing the boy,
but that's how they get you.
PS-- No fatties."
This is a fun job
we get to do, man.
It really is.
I used to be--
I used to be
a high school teacher.
( cheers, applause )
Yeah. Don't clap.
I quit in the middle
of the year.
I didn't give a shit
about those kids.
I quit on a Wednesday.
I didn't give a fuck.
I quit at fourth period.
I was done.
Kids were like,
"Mr. Karman, what's
our homework for tomorrow?"
I was like,
"I don't know, man.
That sounds like
a Tomorrow Lady question.
I ain't gonna be here.
I'm not invested."
Teaching's tough, man.
Are there teachers here?
Some of y'all
work in education?
- ( cheers, applause )
- It's beautiful.
It's just a hard job.
I've never been called "Mister"
and "bitch" more in my life.
It's like,
"Mister, why you a bitch?
No, I'm saying, like, why is
that your personality?
You got some bitch-ass
handwriting, Mister.
You must write with a feather.
You write
with a quill, Mister?"
One time I had a kid
call me "Mr. Bitch."
And that hurt more, somehow.
Here's why "Mr. Bitch"
hurts more,
and I thought a lot--
I think about it almost
every day.
"Mr. Bitch" hurts more
because "Mr. Bitch"
makes it seem
like I earned the title.
You know what I mean?
Like I worked my way up.
Like while the rest of you
were lollygagging
and playing around,
I was focused
on being the best bitch
I could be.
It's just a hard job, man.
I had to pretend
like drugs aren't cool.
Just talking like,
"Kids, don't do drugs!
Why would you do drugs?
Nothing good-- listen.
You'll just end up
having sex
with the prettiest girl
in school.
What, do you want to get
your dick sucked at Prom?
Disgusting!
Hey, you know what's better
than dick sucking?
You know what's
better than that?
Subject-verb agreement.
Huh? Grammar rules!
You gotta finger-bang
your brain.
Let's get wet up here
where it counts."
Drugs are dope, man.
I think we can all
agree with that.
Drugs are tight, right?
 ( cheers, applause )
Some of the coolest things
that have ever happened
in the world
happened because of drugs,
because someone
was high on drugs.
And I say all that,
and I don't even do drugs.
I don't do any, I swear.
I don't smoke weed.
Heroin gives me tummyaches.
I don't do anything.
I have a very sensitive
stomach to heroin.
I got the allergy
you always read about.
I'm always
at restaurants like,
"Hey, I hate to be that guy,
but is there any heroin
in the Caesar salad?
I can't-- I can't take it.
I'll get the shakes.
I'll steal my mom's TV.
I can't do it again."
Never did drugs,
even as a kid.
I was, like, a square kid.
Sometimes I feel like
the only kid who fell
for the DARE campaign.
Y'all remember,
they had the kids on TV.
Like,
"Ew, gross, marijuana?
That stuff's illegal."
And then we were
supposed to believe
that kid had sex ever again,
you know what I mean?
Women don't have sex
with snitches.
They don't.
I'm not an expert on girls,
and I don't pretend to be,
but I've never heard a girl
say this out loud,
like, "Hey.
You know what turns me on?
A guy who calls the police
for noise violations.
Mm, tuck in
that t-shirt, daddy.
Play that clarinet.
Those DARE commercials used
to be wild, right?
I remember one,
this was the worst.
They had one
with a talking dog.
Y'all remember that one?
The girl-- if you don't
remember, this girl,
she gets super high
on marijuana,
and her dog starts
talking to her, right?
And her dog starts saying
some pretty real shit.
Like her dog basically says,
"Look, ever since you
started doing drugs,
our relationship has changed.
You're not the same person
you used to be.
I just wish we could go back
to what we had."
And I remember watching
that commercial
and thinking to myself,
"Why is this dog
talking like that?"
Right?
Why is this dog talking
like the deep-voiced dude
in Boyz 2 Men?
Right? The dog--
that's not a dog.
I had a dog.
If my dog could talk,
she would just mostly be like,
"Hey! Hey!
Who's at the door?
I love you!
Who's at the door?
You cooking?
Who's at the door?
All right, I'ma go eat
your roommate's tampons.
I don't know why I do it,
I just do it.
I'm not
a sophisticated animal.
I certainly can't tell
changes in your behavior.
Who is at the door?"
The worst--
this was the worst,
when they, uh--
they started targeting
DARE commercials
specifically
at black people.
Perhaps this
predominantly-white audience
also remembers that.
They did the same thing
with all of our commercials.
Y'all know it, you know.
They add hip-hop.
That's always our commercial.
It's the same commercial
y'all get,
but then there's
a motherfucker break dancing.
Like, "Crack? Hell nah, dawg.
Not no more."
And it's so condescending.
And it's-- I hate it,
because here's why.
Because it presumes
that all black people
are the same,
that we're just
this homogenous group
that's easily enticed
by hip-hop, and we're not.
We're as diverse
and complicated as any of you.
Look, one of my favorite
things to do in the world,
absolute favorite things
to do in the world,
I like to get myself
a medium cup
of frozen yogurt, right?
Medium cu-- I'm not greedy.
A medium cup
of frozen yogurt,
and I like to sit at home,
and I watch YouTube videos
of people getting engaged.
- ( cheers, applause )
- Thank you.
That's my shit.
I do it for hours.
Hours of just eating yogurt
and having a nice cry
and enjoying love happening.
Afterwards, I'll look
myself in the mirror,
and I'll be like,
"Yo, son,
you a real-ass nigga."
And that's--
that's not in
those commercials.
"Wipe your tears, dawg.
We good.
We got a big day
ahead of us."
There used to be
this one DARE commercial,
right, with
this little black girl,
and she's reading.
This is, like,
a "black" DARE commercial
meant to keep us
away from drugs.
She's in the streets
of New York
and she's reading this hardcore
spoken word poem, right?
It's meant to scare us away,
and she's walking around
New York like,
"This is Trey!
This his crew.
Here he is, what he do.
Only listens, never plays.
Never think, never says
what he wants
or what he needs.
Just sit right there
and smoke that weed.
I wonder if he'll ever leave.
Word."
As if a bunch of niggas
is gonna be sitting back like,
( inhales )
"Hey, you know what?
This little rhyming bitch
is right.
Maybe we should go to college.
Feels like a hundred years
of systemic racism
have been lifted
off my shoulders.
Thank you,
little rhyming bitch.
Thank you."
It's so fucked up, man.
You know why?
Because if you really listen
to that poem,
Trey's not bothering anybody.
He's harmless.
He's not hurting.
He's sitting and chilling
on his own property,
smoking what is now
a recreational drug.
He ain't--
he's a little lazy,
but he ain't hurting nobody.
Right? But that's
how they do us, man.
They make us monsters
when we ain't really monsters.
And that's the-- you want
to scare me away from drugs,
show me someone
committing a real crime,
some shit that really fucks up
the world, right?
Like, "This is Chaz!
Chaz insider trades,
stealing homes
from poor people
on the New York
Stock Exchange."
( cheers, applause )
"Also, Chaz is
high as fuck right now.
He does a lot of cocaine
in the bathroom at work.
We would fire him,
but you know, his dad.
You get it.
Word."
You guys were
a lot of fun, man.
My name's Langston Kerman.
- ( cheers, applause )
- Yay!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
 ( music playing )
 ( music playing )
