thank you!!!
 
that wasn't properly place we know how
to context clues i do not indulge was
that happened weird places you keep the
world's I just wanted it to be weird
we're going to came out and it's
happening
thanks enabling how do i really want to
open this thing while it's just the
tackle woman for no reason
about some things you can't really do a
nice way to start your big night I don't
know what to do sometimes I guess I can
handle the love and respect from you
people so make no mistake i'm hating
myself inside they brought the backstage
chicago pizza
I'm not going to mention any names don't
want to start here but it was one of
them
it's all you're getting
and of course I gotta do this show gonna
be here and perform to the best of my
ability and I thought to myself why not
not have two slices of deep dish meat
why not not do that
that voice was not honored within me
and now i have two slices of that DJ in
my stomach which I will blame if this
goes badly
that's how I playing that didn't go well
fucking
got a point and I've got an inner
bloggers that reviews my show as it's in
progress marriage started off kinda hard
making notice of the woman who won
and you start talking about beat zipper
no reason like he's got a whole day of
there
this is gonna go tonight grew he doesn't
have a plan has already brought me and
you
more later
I don't know I can get all I'm not gonna
complain about being all I'm starting to
realize that like I'm 51 i'm a 51 year
old man twice to force I have no
children and I live with ducats and it's
fucking amazing
that's right winning
I'm the winner
three years to think like why can manage
the relationship why can't i have a
marriage why don't have a normal life of
any idea why can't I just be a regular
person but now I'm starting to think
like nothing I've done is your people
it's my thing I I'm starting to realize
that knowledge takes is one conversation
with a friend of mine that went the
other ways of the world in the kids
everything of one conversation for me to
know them
I'm okay
I've ever had that conversation we don't
know if the guys talking to you or
trying to convince himself that he's
made the right decisions with his wife
it takes nothing to provoke these
conversations like I could not have seen
the guy in my three years I'd be like
hey man how you doing it's been awhile
how the kids fucking hard right now man
it's bad i can't handle this
I want them out of the house but there
are seven and four and that's going to
be think I love milad they're great kids
but I just think it's fucking awful it's
a full we wanted them smart the other
one seems to have the thing with his
hands he's okay
wanting me and I want out but I love him
I love more
one sort of confusing for a message you
didn't answer everything everything okay
with your wife can't work in the eye and
all can't even maintain eye contact with
her most of the time I want her dead or
i want to be dead it's just fucking
awful but I'm blessed that mean I'm
really
because she's a great woman we've been
through a lot together but god damn it
you know I get above i think if I had it
blown like it's just gonna change my
identity somehow but by this is my wife
so that these kinda crazy but god i want
out like wow that's sound great kind
still kinda confusing okay okay with
money
I've no money or am I gonna have money
have a wife and two gets word is money
come into that I think about faking my
own death all the time just so they can
have the insurance money and I can have
my freedom
you know when get a quote and not
kidding about the club
finest my family in dinner with him but
god i just wanna we are you doing mark
I'm great this conversation has been
great for me it's very helpful actually
and I feel okay it's a little weird
sometimes i'm lonely but I've got the
cats but but you know I'm okay and then
the guy always because I got really
appreciate you being my friend you know
and and hear me out as I can't talk this
stuff about a lot of people we have to a
lot of people and I love you man Michael
I love you too man good luck with
everything and I know that fucker goes
home in the second he sees his wife says
random errands still sad and alone
seeing those damn cats ones that guy
gonna get it together right
I told them how great we were doing baby
Judas
yeah you know I got the cats is gonna
get hard to sell the whole like you know
51-year old dude with two cats as being
an endearing thing you know it's well
it's a fine line between on
yeah weird moments with my cat's I don't
I guess I guess chiaramonte
Mary's gonna struggle for a minute or
two to figure out whether or not i'll
share this information like it's a big
secret see them do this three times i
wonder what he's gonna do more later
I one time I was on the bed
with monkey and laFonda and this came
out of my mouth out loud I said I guess
your thoughts now you guys
says dad
real moment though said this to monkey
out loud the other day not long ago
anyways is that it i said your kid knows
buddy
no dad you're old
you don't think that affects cats you
don't think that they register that kind
of thing but two days later monkey shit
on my carpet while maintaining eye
contact with me
not that you do want to cast doing that
just go like okay that's happening there
i guess it is I'm doing it and that
thought is about the comment i made it
is right to say what you project
and then he tried to bury his shit on
the carpet which I thought was spiteful
and I did I did feel was personal but
wasn't there just dumb cats they're just
stupid animals I it's hard for cat owner
to admit this kind of thing where they
like he didn't it wasn't personally just
had some sort of brain skid thought he
was outside and shit on what he thought
was grass and was the carpet we project
Falcons shoot on the cats because where
can people and I can just like you don't
want to believe they're just dumb
animals like not mine eyes genius like a
mystical wizard who understands
everything my cat is yes i think so
what happens to me all the time I got to
see monkey laying on the bed just
looking at nothing nothing like I wonder
what he's thinking about
probably Egypt
no like lying loser bug no okay have
time
and I used to think my my counts are
fucked up I used to think that my cancer
like crazy because there are wild when I
found them and that always had that
excuse in my head for why my cats for
skittish and weird but now starting it's
me i'm starting to think it's me i'm the
reason i get purchase cats like you've
been with me now for what 10 minutes
imagine if you were a cat I'm not the
optimal owner of the cat my cats go
through a horrible experience almost
daily
I mean it's not unusual for me to wake
up within five minutes go god damn
what's happening today
suma casting was just sleeping
what what could be the problem already
we're all just sleeping what's going on
and they'll say like you guys want to
eat or what why is it question
what's going on oh no he's lying
char I'm going under the game I'm going
under the bed
it may become really friendly now with
strangers which they never were and I
really think it's they're trying to pick
one out like a jump on stranger's lap I
can barely get them on my lap they enter
like please take us take this i don't
know how we got this guy but it's
exhausting
it's exhausting I don't like what number
would be will say your cats are like
your children
no they're not not unless my children
are severely mentally challenged cannot
like children
cats are not children they're never
gonna surprise you with the word they're
not gonna win a sports trophy ever
they're not there do you like a cat is
what it is when you get it give or take
a few movements and soil or faster but
that's it
maybe maybe with you have a certain
kinda cat once or twice in a lifetime
you'll say like how'd you get up there
you know and then
and then you get a new york
that was my child that'd be horrible
that was the proudest moment like good
22 on Downing refrigerators
that's unbelievable he's gone up there
by yourself at seven years old that's
amazing
we didn't think you were gonna do
anything ever
god forbid i become like that panic and
terror just like standing over monkey i
say daddy stay
come on say that's what he said
I'll help anybody who witness that would
say we get you outside man this sand too
much time at the zoo here time to
socialize my cats are willing to eat
because I my anxious angry ish person
okay someone's wife forget that already
that's all it took
just my rationalization set up out here
really angry
those things that used to be I'm trying
to get better trying to here's the thing
never have an anger problem and that's
not like there's people in here of anger
problems i know you know who might be
poor and i know you know who you are
when you admit you have named your
problem that's not casual conversation
that's not something that just comes up
like know you have hanging from a little
bit if you'd make that out loud it's a
default and usually there's at least one
crying person in the room
yes it's a Hail Mary pass it's not a
rejoicing moment it's like God I fucked
it all up
better try to get this back together but
the weird thing about having any problem
is that the one thing we can admit when
we have anger problems like we fucking
love it we love yelling we love it right
up until you're crying in two minutes
into you cry without me
and then we get scared that we fucked
things are permanently buddy it's in us
we can admit that i'm not saying it's
good behavior but what I'm saying is
that an angry person can like I can
never say like I'm not gonna have an
outburst i can't it's not that's a lot
it's gonna happen what I've agreed to do
with myself and with others is can try
and tighten up the space between
outburst an apology im just gonna try
and bring those local closer together
it's gotten pretty close this recently
came out of my mouth shut the fuck up i
am sorry
it's very tight
he was an effective apology i don't
think that the apology landed because i
think it was totally inappropriate
but my brain is working in the right
direction and getting better
I don't know what to tell you i just
have the river of Rage running through
me at all times I mean it's just right
there and as I get older I realize it's
really up to me as to whether or not i'm
gonna put the kayak in the water that's
that's really what it comes down but
some days you just want to spend going
and people you know ways are using the
pole get away
got the or
and I don't you know it's like angers
like it's it's satisfying in a way like
sometimes we don't even talk to myself
that's ridiculous talking yourself in
public like this
that's why i believe you shouldn't judge
people who talk to themselves in public
is crazy too quickly i know it's fun to
be like does
the like they don't judge you don't be
so quick to especially men bc man
talking himself in public he probably
not crazy
probably just in a relationship and what
you're seeing is he's taking the fight
to the street
he's gonna win on his terms that that's
what
maybe man talking to himself when he's
probably doing the right thing
he probably just left a situation we
said this shit i'm taking a fuckin walk
and you just caught him in the middle of
this process is something along the
lines like my current deserve this shit
i'm leaving little depth what a fucking
mistake that was
he's actually on his way to apologize
that's what you're saying
he's making the loop
he's gonna walk in and say sorry baby my
fault apologize say it's okay i'm glad
you to the lock which is no after on the
street we won that fight
there's no gray area here we wanted
yeah it was like like it's like it's
like I feel good right now matching i'm
not i'm not as angry and it's weird to
perform being Pleasant like I'm pretty
open and my gonna saw something outside
on the street we had a nice conversation
going these nice people are gonna see my
job but like me yelling said but but
it's ok but like I have to realize like
I remember the moment where I knew that
that had like being angry unique choice
like there's a moment they were like you
have to do that and then you just like
it explained here's what happened
I spent two behind the preferences for
addressing I can't seem to leave my
house without forgetting at least three
things I don't know if it's mine AIDS
but I can't like i'll leave I'll get to
the bottom of my hill on but fuck my
pants
and copies weird i didn't really not
have my pants don't know I'm Erin feels
like he has to explain that
ok jizz have a ridiculous punchline
that's abstract and ridiculous every
night explains in a joke
stupid more later
so
all right here we go so i spent about 20
minutes making a cup of coffee and you
ready to ask yourself with that since
long
seems like a long time his take to
prepare cup of coffee
what happened was I've gone to hipster
coffee shot and i ordered once once i
ordered the single source pour over cuz
that's where they take a cone and put it
over 1 cup of coffee with just enough
grounds in the comb for that one cup and
then trickle hot water over it because
it's the best way to have a cup of
coffee once I did that now when you do
that part of your brain is like this
bullshit
we work for you here for the other
parties acknowledge the best way to have
confidence a nice way to have it you can
really taste the players like are you a
fucking sucker
it's coffee what are we standing here
watching this idiot trick water for
and I'm like for coming not do this in
front of the barista we're not doing it
out loud yet
so something resonated about the process
because now I was doing it at home which
is why to 20 minutes so I'm going home
and I'm trickling water a new account
and that part of my brain is like are
you fucking kidding we're doing this
inholy we like yelling what do we got to
lose life
I'm excited yeah I maybe got the copy
like this going to fuel my rage on the
highway i'm gonna be jacked up and put
in my travel cup and hit the road and
got to the bottom of my hill and like
fuck yeah coffee
god dammit coffees on the counter in the
kitchen now
in the moment she's just let it go but
for no reason at all none i was like i'm
backing up the fucking hell
the quarter of a mile there's cars on
both sides and no reason Mikey now when
i got to the front of my house and I
have not hit any cars my first song was
your fucking any but the louder thought
was nailed it
I think there's an argument today you do
that every morning I'm invigorating I'm
gonna need coffee
they did you get the neighbors of all
you get to the bobtail door and
everything comes out you waved and
smiled his jam it up the fucking help
and that's my brain works
I don't know what began about how it all
better know why I'm like getting and i
don't like I am do you think about them
not why I'm like I am
like why you while you're like you are
you heard the everything about like when
you're a little kid like what happened
to that kid
right sir sad mama like there was a time
work for some of us could just be like
look at a rock
and that was enough that was enough
what happened to that kid he's in there
still and still think he's in there
right but you just crush them down but
you just walking down the street is a
shut up no time for rocks now
rocks not gonna fix it anymore
like I sometimes like do you ever look
at other people and like to see them as
a kid I sometimes I have to do that just
so I don't hate them dearly like when
you have that moment we just like
fucking hate that guy and then you
picture me as a kid like use that kid
this is everything is worried about me
like contempt and an empathy are very
close together
look like they are things that used to
be angry about
now i'm really not angry but anymore but
my brain doesn't know that you know it's
like phantom limb anger you know it's
just my heart's not into it but my brain
you'll still do that like a 51-year old
minion that I I never have to have this
fuck that beard yeah I don't like this
time
why would a fucking him that hard
what's that guy's beard isn't doing
anything that bother you but like my
brain is like there's no integrity in
that beard that's not a real beard is a
coffee shop here that kind of
that beard in the wild with off-the-grid
shit out of house and things the Jews
run the government that beard that guy
did not earn that appears is a victim of
the mumford in of America
so my brain has to roll through all that
to like let it glow it's just like it's
just it's got better at to this is a
sign of progress you know like I was
walking down the street you know it's
him near my house probably talking to
myself
and I and I look up and I just see this
dude walking towards me I need to know
what I mean what what what what it was
but I is one that guy like immediately
fuck that guy only two seconds away to
my brain would die sad
and I think when they're that close
together we can go and content today and
that's a time of progress I think that's
a sign of progress
thank you very much
the rooms where is up these out the
stores never goes
because of on impulse engines makes way
back the store
was I talking about child
it's where we fixing your brain from
childhood I think there's a couple of
things I remember like one thing
happened and like to see that and know
where I am I went to trader joes and
let's not get excited about your show so
let's get over the excitement about
trader joes it's not that great
I know we're all excited at first like
you have a traitor just yeah we just got
one and not like you're over right you
just you go there you get the three
things you get there
all traders just it was add another stop
that's all really did
mega the regular supermarket will get
the three things the trader jobs
mulleted produce is never good to the
point where you're like what the fuck is
wrong with this
yeah i got i don't want to talk about
changes with the point
she gets to a point for you and
someone's gotta be evil here there's
gotta be evil a traitor just I don't
know what it is but I think we're all
gonna find out all at once eventual
the point B
upon the bunch of bags and trail mix the
rock to the wrong eggs doesn't matter
what time does matter to detail
marriages go with the joke
more away
childhood soon so I dumped a bag the
trail mix into my face and there's like
a bad nothing there i get students are
bitter it was bad it was bad but it was
too late
just so I swallowed this bigger bad know
at the moment of panic and then that
song from childhood popped into my head
found happy that I found opinion that
bound to be and then Officer Mike oh I
think that guy dies in that song
like I'm freaking out i can breathe or
he dies in that song
so I use a computer I'm like I got
tagged
lyrics found Tina
it's not google what to do if you bad
lyrics found the penis
damn right he does die
I have to ride this
thank you i'm not become remember
correctly there's no the last verse he
goes to heaven and gets a better than
others and it's right away from me on
Kevin thing just like I don't know
what's gonna happen for me in this made
through and made true was touching go
thank God for that song to that have
come for me in a way transcended that
element of childhood we rambling about
keep the metal voice is just one please
more
so the other memory from charge that was
very important is that when i was a kid
i grew up in albuquerque new mexico and
that we had a local children's show host
and Albuquerque and captain Billy and we
like to captain Billy when we often we
watched marine our cereal like me and my
brother was my cocoa pebbles and using
fruity pebbles which is bullshit
never got it just never got the free
surface
why I still resent a little bit now even
for putting me through watching me
through the colors isn't this is making
or vocals you're working to shop around
you're gonna get chocolate know what do
you get with fritos like this game milk
is just
merrifield we're not using the word
getting in that context but he
rationalizes it by thinking they're
pretty bubbles that many colors giving
it a rainbow team which politically
gives it a pride element this is stretch
but that's what that's how man makes
that junk ok more later
but captain crunch kids what the fuck
was wrong with their mouths
people that kitty captain crunch and
then this year i had it once doing what
they just ripped my mouth
like all those captain crunch is just
became like a psychopath or football
circus performers i don't know i could
hear about these kids I like Syria's
know you and really start pushing back
down it's gonna be a long sad life for
you
tell me get a fun cereal that can afford
and gator on Syria and I like seriously
don't
push back now you can vary materially
pussy your entire life and Oracle's just
middle management to you and your
cheering so anyways
captain Billy
this getting through the balcony are you
anything structures just happened in my
head and want to check in with you so
I'm doing it
good down here but somehow in my mind my
balcony's out with just made the
decision based on nothing i think i look
at one person up there and just see that
like a big head and this is what it look
like
but like a jacket all the time like I
don't know what people are thinking
about why he submits about me I'm all
kind of like the labor what kind of day
granted that guy could be like hit that
body well
Mary thinks he knows experience but I
just buried somewhere
it's me the only one he did
here and there
anyways the captain Billy
so here's what happens we used to watch
captain Billy were captain had a big
mustache captain's blazer yet puppets
and your show
cartoons and he keeps things we love to
move up Captain building at that point
my life i guess it was about seven my
father was a doctor unclear what he does
now
word touch but I'm impressed and
information is it doesn't go any place
good but he was a doctor in one day he
came home from the hospital for dinner
which was rare and he said the dinner
table and just added no worries sense
someone shot captain Billy today
is it down please in critical condition
around my brain around
I'm like I'm going to what why why
captain Billy dan why my father never be
appropriate in his life to this day look
status seven-year-old son in the eyes
and goes some guy got him screwing his
wife
and in retrospect that is the most
important lesson I learned from Captain
Bill
still
the Commandant for a reason the Attica
manele to the other one murder you think
about how fucked up the world must have
been when they wrote the commandments
like out of control shit was for a group
of guys to come up with those fucking
rules
it was a group of people it was not God
didn't say that anyone I don't want to
hurt anyone's ok grown-ups
just picture like five guys like locked
into a barn just panic they're like
we're gonna make your fucking rules
crazy their shot my brother give his
hairs no reason
skills on the street because we all have
guns
killed a guy fucking a dog on the street
impossible to run a business environment
education rules i would get them to
listen to the rules 12 god they're
morons
nerdy little uncomfortable that is going
in the religious type material that's
not what he does right now but i think
they can handle it
more later and i can only read until
you know I mean hang your hope so what
are you gonna pay your host Jon it's
like life after a certain point like
whatever meaning you're looking for
you'll realize one day like shit i think
i'm doing is buffering disappointment
mark just crashed it just fucking
everything was good fine for out some
amateur stencil government
the brains of his adoring fans so they
down everything is the best part of
Marion
related I time you got my coverage you
whatever that means we will never lose
me that makes you culturally image us
brought it but you did the thing
Manuel money yeah and you might want to
get some language you don't understand
you even understand that when you want
to read
it's not real message he grew up like
little class conservative to you don't
get real lessons and you have some point
when your kid your GC your mom mom to
choose have a God there any your mom
goes just eat
remember we're better than other people
that's it thanks as that's American
Judaism
now there's gonna be in this special
ok
ok
my neighborhood is let's just do let's
get through it
I don't know about religion i'm very
sophisticated
with that stuff I just don't was not
given out on the goddamn place tonight
doesn't seem to concern me like I'll
just deal with with my weird discomfort
existentially with you know with food
and masturbating and you know movies
keep feeding the whole I don't know why
being American is all the house
I gotta give in north carolina in
raleigh north carolina book a gig on
Easter weekend and I think I need to
know is easter weekend
alright so I booked the gate they're
sending an erotic godless a greet you to
the American South unarguably the most
Jesus weekend
and I didn't know anything about like I
don't know anything about I don't know
Jesus isn't he was a man like i know he
had a beard
I know he took the hit for everybody I
get the concept
get the concept of the Jesus religion
how do you think you gotta get in
that
your dog is sick but you know what a man
pathetic person I gotta figure that out
word empathy like I always had it but I
had a really engaging I didn't know what
the word empathy meant for a long time
and I didn't really experience and very
effectively during that time but now
what kind of know what it means I think
like for me the working definition of
empathy is being able to put yourself in
the place is a person you're yelling it
like that
that's the primer from gonna tell right
learn it so i'm going to the south and
I'm starting to feel like empathy for
the people that are going to be in my
audience that that it's an important
weekend for that that have Jesus in
their heart and and then might still
believe I don't want to be rude to them
and I would Christians are like the I
grew up with it but he's not got any
mark so it's like he's just out just out
of your heart just goes
please close by right I get in a pinch
he's back right like Jesus just he's
down the drugstore having a coke right
picture Jesus the counter drug store I
cause she thinks he has on his dick I
got it
yeah I don't know what that is either
once you go to a doctor over works out
of candy
shit he's on airplane what what do you
want
it's gonna crash you can carry it is
scary
ok ok
so my first gig is this coming friday
and i don't know anything about it
genuinely do not know what it is
so my hotel room in North Carolina and I
google Jesus
my real open again and then taking a
good friday wiki
and i read a little bit and what I
wasn't very quickly is that that was not
a good day from Jesus and all really
arguably the worst day of his life
and I don't know those you were hanging
on the ropes that will come back maybe
one of the reasons he's not as the cold
hard literal irony of calling that day
by that name
maybe should rally little grassroots
momentum towards supposed to change the
fucking name is something more on is
like the worst fucking day Jesus his
life
the baby's be like alright that was a
nice gesture
I'll go down and see if I can salvage
some of those morons
by morons I mean anyone in here
are you getting mad already getting of
sense
ok ok ok
I just projected a personality under so
anyways some reading the story good
friday and i have to relate to it in a
personal way because that's how I read
things i'm not saying that I'm Jesus
like they have any aspirations to be a
Jesus I mean
I think I have the charisma
charm to be a co-leader my vision quite
as well activision
my partly i can bring people together i
can get people into the room
but you guys had those kind of
expectations i believe you disappointed
if you even going like I wasn't up
listen at all
I think that guy's got his message
together is it would get sad eventually
of you don't be like sorry I guess I'm
just gonna get Sonny exile towel
with your new years from now hello Jean
something like what mirrored meant by a
hotel are we guess we are are we
it fell on deaf ears when Mary was
preaching his gospel but now he's more
understood
sadly I was the last night anyone saw
him in Chicago
rumor has it he entered the water tried
to catch fish underneath the water
Marion's roofing about Jesus for no
reason got completely offering now more
later
so okay let's stay in it so I'm going to
turn around design and make sure I got
this in the can
good friday we see if i can get it right
Jesus is in trouble standing before
Pilate pilots right all this guy
yeah I deal with this going to choose my
hair I deal with you Jesus goes the hair
on in my mind arrogance
I going to do with this gun
troublemaker this one
some Christian came up to me after she
said you know Sarah wasn't meet you Mike
don't buzz kill with truth so the
arrogance go back to Pilate on deal with
this and then Jesus goes back to pilot
the pilots my fly you back I want
anything to do with this
let the crowd what to do what you're
doing Jesus the crowd goes kill as a
story right so Jesus done because
machine ground
I've had that experience
I can just come back and try again jesus
really died right adults he died and
came back from the dead right grown-up
people
came back from the dead that's it right
and again and you can help you with them
right now that's impossible
no it's jesus i just want to postulate
this idea is it possible that like a few
of the Apostles like he's carrying
around work we get it
where's your body was the party can i
think we can hoist it up which is kept
behind the shell right here
looking with age of crying and bright
green we did it
throw back down here said
reasonable question the culturally
living today do you think Jesus was a
fast zombies your ass was on
live why I had to do that
people that Jesus in their mind I just I
just so late
your pristine image of Jesus like you
have going now you have to indulge it
whenever he came back like that
we will be so freaked out there
that's great no it's not it's not
when you talk about we've been way he's
eating children which is eating shoji
eating everybody this is eating people
it's our ball
wow this is not what we expected I know
right
one of what are you going to do
I'm getting follow Jesus I've been
waiting
I don't see why they should scare away
all the fuck he's coming let's just run
for now
alright Merryn it's not about Jesus
anymore now I don't love kale
I got a moderate do you love it and you
white winded happening
when did you kill thing happen cultural
in the cultural conversation about
guilty i went to my whole life never had
one conversation about kale now one out
of three involved somehow
whose recent maybe three years ago the
first video came up to me and said eat
kale like no I'm not then you're dying
you're dying
we need to eat kale juice shooters
something get it in I don't make though
doing longer me now you're weird
now it's just a weird thing you're doing
I maybe had one conversation about
killing was a little kid when my family
went to an all-you-can-eat restaurant i
was getting food my dad I've had think i
said 'dad water on these green leaves on
the ice to run the food we're getting
and my dad I'm paraphrasing so that
scale they grow it for garbage
when you kill me the jump from they
garnish to life essential when did that
happen
around the same time that people started
putting bacon and everything I can track
those same time have to kill
conversation the first one was around
the same time the first guy came up to
me sit your red baking cupcakes
like no big it's not for cup case it is
now man
sweet say we get onboard grown
about three years ago Kalin baking
replace good and evil on our culture
just have to find someplace Detroit them
to be the moral life
let's be honest there's only two ways to
prepare kale that I have found you can
either prepare it sadly or
self-righteously those are the only ways
this is sadly this is bullshit man my
and mrs. self-righteous sorry
mmm yes I
eating healthy monkeys Gary
let's talk about love I guess you are
you doing down there
what's up you have to take a picture
without me i like is your drunkie
you two Shelby why don't know that like
i want to stop the entire momentum at
the show
soldier drunken desire to take a picture
of me
ok
you got the cocktails and somehow or
another you've decided this is just
about me
that's not the whole night
ok ok here i have an idea
don't ruin the rest of the day
so
okay yeah I've been through some
relationships lightly something you're
up to speed on some of that stuff some
bad ones there's been some bad once like
I was with a woman for a few years or
three and a half years almost married
and I realized I don't think she likes
me and all ever
that's the word mommy ever had that
already wake up and you're with them for
three and a half years like you never
liked me at all have you and then you
have to ask yourself why the hell did I
let that happen and for me it was like
that was the best three years of my life
every other way career picked up i was
making a living again I wasn't hating on
myself and all but some part of my brain
was like we can outsource their job
bring are going to do it be fine and
that was an 8-3 relationship man that's
why can't do that anymore I can't do the
angry like I'm so much better
I'm so much better you know when you're
angry person and find another angry
person ages yell and fuck and cry and
you think that's intimacy the crying
part
this is crazy it's crazy and it's
embarrassing
like it's hard to get out of that
because there's no sex better than the
sex had on a pile of clothing taken out
of chores to leave you with I mean sex
so much depends on that you give you a
show up for work that day
no sloppy apologizing in the middle of
that one
you don't want to end with sorry and
then you need right baby
what do you say we put these clothes
away
but it's embarrassing to be in a yelling
relationship because like like you have
neighbors like in this like he gets
shamed yourself you're screaming at each
other and then one day realize like
they've got to be hearing everything
like you like to see my neighbor put his
garbage on that fight the years should
not say I'm not it
they're not just the most views were
both doing
killing nearly 60 says dr you hear that
right
why you looking at me where Jim even
live here you my fucking aber nicotine
yeah most Mary's out
then there was the age appropriate one
who I thought was in love with and that
was rough
that was crazy she started the
relationship by saying this to me I will
not tolerate yelling and I will not
tolerate leaving so what do I do
but most of those would be the right
thing to do
crying was the answers crying was ok
scored how futures online
that's right underneath the angry just
as sad with a boy with a rock the non
cares about
it'sit's resource under there and your
anger like you ever yelling at a woman
in your man 95 hours and the time all
you should be saying is why can't you be
my mommy you know my mommy
I know men and they're like thanks for
giving giving him a tool-mark
help us which team are you on brother
missing is true crime by little bit of
mine Cummings good for you but I will
say this the two most embarrassing
things you can become doing as a man or
maybe you just say as this man
are either crying uncontrollably his
weeping uncontrollably or experiencing
profound joy
let's try a little straight it was for
you physically by either this goes
that
or this
and if you think that you have profound
joy in your life you're not doing that
your temporary and probably for good
reason
who would tolerate them for more than
once
write down her down
not attracted to
so that really down market and want this
relationship which was very very
beneficial to Mike's here for a while
more later
the longest thing is weird you can
actually make it work because the
technology you can have around this
situation with some sense of intimacy
because again skype you can be you can
talk in real time to a person and
watching got to you in real time on your
screen and you can say things like
romantic things like move closer your
heads actual size
weird right
you have skype sex which is a cute way
of saying you're masturbating to each
other masturbating in real time while
you watch each other
masturbating that's cool
I know everyone's done it for you will
do it
it's only the first time that's weird
the first time making your I guess we're
doing this we doing it you're doing it
by the second time you're like a setup I
get set up i got with it was now
this guy back and find it yet
there's only one rule for skype sex
really it's just the only advice I can
give use stay focused on what's
happening
just stay focused don't let your eyes
drift to the little box in the left-hand
corner which is staying
this
try to avoid that bomber like Lucy said
macerating the eye
that's me
the only way to keep that box open
positioning my in
ok
ok
the universal sign for jerking off that
doesn't mean anything anywhere else
there's no culture where this means
ripping your day God there was one but
they didn't survive
we're so proud that stupid joke
later
it's weird though like I don't know
where the gender conversation or debate
is at any given day you know I know
there's constant two issues and
struggles to understand that but I do
know that one slow woman came up to me
after the show after I done that and she
said angrily you know women masturbate
and I'm like oh i didn't know i had to
cover but what do you want me to do
like so now i gotta be like word
you remember the first time you saw a
woman masturbating in front of you and
the first time he has a wow that thing
can take a beating
I thought that was a fragile flower but
like you're digging for something oh my
you want me to touch you like now I
realize oh my god we gotta ease into
that I can't even look at you the same
way right now
no I'd see I don't talk about sex so
much because they like you for some
reason like we decided to start i have
to talk about it a little bit i've been
talking about more weight on stage
she's like it's like it's this is weird
job like but there's we're doing is
really like dance time and no pants and
I'm like you know nothing it's time like
we all do that we all were all were
filthy animals
yeah it's amazing language was here to
work not gonna work
right casting anyone that kinda i think
it was weird like mom is here this guy
because i don't i'm not really know why
i do but i had created a life like that
woman who like almost had a baby with
the one who I was gonna marry like she
really wanted a baby
all right i'm gonna try to walk over
here and she really wanted to be
and I hadn't really want one right and
they impacted gagging use protection or
anything because I'm like this is really
guys so I'm a child when it comes to
protection what did you do anything I'm
that guy so that 51 not proud not proud
alright people right what about diseases
well you know you speculate
anyways I'm sharing this for reasons
that I don't know but I'm going to like
sheet need to find out if anyone's ever
felt like she wanted a baby so bad and I
don't want one but she did badly so like
if I if I came anywhere within a foot of
her vagina i started had keep an eye on
come
these are y'all getting dinner Kleenex
but that stays out
days on the tummy doesn't go in right
you want to finger baby going to be part
of it
that's where you're going to draw the
line that that to most TV was like
cutting off we need to know that is that
where that seeing that like them like
for all people here right everyone in
here everyone has had come on them every
one of you
come on you
every woman in here as said can you get
something please
yes it is a lot but you just get it
just get me get a towel not that towel
get shitty town
every man here surprised themselves
servation session he think was gonna
happen
shit fuck ok
ok
everyone has had come on
where we come from it's one with bonds
is
it is and we also get some fighting like
you know when you'd like to do something
sexually like one night you would be
your partner i can always get did that
happen
we are dirty and then he just got to
come to work next thing is that like
like a person and now i get filthy
monster
the only thing that keeps society like
together is dancing shade
that's the only alright but what's close
with something big
ice cream you go fuck itself
I know something you're like understand
I crazy fun it's got great what we
probably the problem because it's
fucking horrible because I can I gotten
by the issue with ice cream for me I
screams for children to enjoy and for me
feel ashamed right this is just the way
i breathe i I'm a drug addict I haven't
done anything like 16 years like doesn't
make me a good
my point is if I eat a little ice cream
it's not i don't know how long it's
going to go on before you go on fucking
weeks
daily struggle with ice cream it's
pathetic but it's real because ice cream
it's the perfect drug you can work both
ways like it like this show Scott while
I could like I can end this show Carly
device account will keep this party
going
google ice Cream's like keep Rocking
or let's say that went badly and I was
like why do I even do comedy
I don't want to live anymore is my
scream
were called waste beautiful drug we
struggle for me because I compulsive
without me to walk you through it
you have more sympathy for this this
drug ok let's do it
you don't know what I'm doing
that's it's like is where i could you
imagine if if you have OCD
like as a comic and you have like three
things to work with
I guess sounds a short performance piece
called OCD gun
so you didn't happen ice cream mr. this
is destructive
let's say just did actually let's say I
just had a good stead at the comic store
in Hollywood and I Drive home i get home
1145 at night I walked into my house and
i think thats good day a good set
I just gonna get some sleep like a
grown-up gonna go to bed now in part of
my brain will get caught dad fucking ice
cream time was good
let's get to my 30 my notes later
there's no reason that you ice cream at
this hour
yeah we're adults I don't think we need
to do that
fuck you and all whole let's get some
ice cream now I tried to do this one
know the store closes its close we're
never gonna make you can make it man you
can make it right now
alright it's open for 10 more minutes
and i'm like i don't really think we
should shut up go get it like alright
alright today I'm driving going to get
ice cream do any of that
thanks singleness of purpose recall is
gonna be good like nothing I screams
always going to deliver there's nothing
in life that is that steady where you're
like many kidding it's gonna go in my
mouth
good-looking
so I'm driving I get to the store and I
can see they're trying to close i have
to fight the urge do not say this out
loud I'm getting ice cream
so then you guys grammel to the ice
cream freezer and liking you just stand
before
you haven't been there in a few weeks
and the next Wow Ben & Jerry's system
shit
19 flavors why don't they just make the
flavors it's called his way to my shit
this ice cream yeah
like that where you figured out this
right-hander goldfish well I guess they
know what they're doing
bacon of course
anysex we're trying
in my mind I'm gonna get one pint I
screaming incidents gonna last me a
couple of days
we think that every time I do it I
always see this is what happens i get a
complicated flavor maybe a new one
maybe it'll stand by my peanut butter
cup perhaps i'll get complicated flavor
right this year which is spread this out
a couple of days I'll walk three steps
i'm doing shit eating vanilla to cut it
with you but this this string God you
know I guess step back
now looking into bite-sized you might
want any ice cream and I got two points
and going home thinking I'm going to be
responsible with the ice cream now is
what happens when we get home I get
inside my house and got this first balls
can be a grown-up for ice cream
sierra fucked up because i like seeing
the first boss my only goal
it's gonna be a growing the lice so then
I'll thought the stuff out take a few
minutes thought out now take the time
saw get bowl spoon to put about a third
of the complicated flavor and a couple
hits the cut and put the words on put it
back in the freezer and then go sit down
on my couch and growing up the old ice
cream with spoon in a bowl so I just sit
there watching TV
so good
you can put the bows down
the whole ball like that and now going
in the kitchen i'll put the ball in the
same time with the spoon the sink just
sit on the couch Marshall more TV 23
seconds
my dog
take the bikes and the freezer and among
the counter pop the lid up Nobu
necessary
complicated player and then like I eat
some of the vanilla throw the goods on
thrown back in the freezer is down and
then walk my kids are going on now just
sit on my couch for flight second semi
know
now just eating over the freezer
like someone's getting a capturing all
the complicated layer is only like four
tablespoons when you've got a pint of
the vanilla cut in my mind me
ice cream ever been to some one-time
thing you have to go into their freezer
for some reason you see ice cream in
there that looks like it's been in there
for like months and there's party that's
right fucking people
free in there
what kind of control 31
I thought I news
I gonna get outta here before they try
to control me free
alright so now consumed well over a pint
of ice cream and i feel gross i just
said the shame engine that's what my
body is a shame engine that runs on
specific foods and I got it I got a
phantom fat issue which i know is not a
sympathetic position i'm an idiot that
always thinks he's been so like I feel
it in my my heart even though I know
it's not thereby just Morpheus my mom's
fault
try to have a little compassion
so now I'm just like what did i do more
flies cream it's gross and like in my
mind about going on to didn't like it
ok so just go to bed and now i'm giving
a bit no I don't know where to put my
hands and tab
which is why in there i want to fuck
hi screams bullshit warning now i can't
fucking sleep
am I gonna do now
some boys goes you know what you're
gonna do now
there is a sad we masturbate that's what
you do
that's like the worst kind of
masturbation when you don't want to do
it you just doing it because you don't
feel getting your way he likely to
commit to it
and when you come you actually go
shit ok ok don't leave me monkey daddy
you
the effective do it down
as night and like this like way they're
really 40 seconds like let's do some ice
cream
you're gonna go hit
the
