

### A MAGNETIC COUPLE DILEMMA

### By

### Naaju Rorrete

Copyright © 2012 by Naaju Rorrete

All rights reserved

Except for some quotes used in reviews, this book may not be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, today known or invented in the future, without written permission from the author.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this free ebook. Although this is a free book, it remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be reproduced, copied and distributed for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy at Smashwords.com, where they can also discover other works by this author. Thank you for your support.

Cover Copyright © 2012 by Naaju Rorrete

The images depicted in the book cover are used under a non-exclusive license granted by Scarlett O'Hara Photographics S.L. All models were over the age of eighteen years at the time of the creation of such depictions. All appropriate records, including model release and photo ID's are kept in the office of Scarlett O'Hara S.L. Apt 29, 03580 Alfas Del Pi, Valencia, Spain.

This book is fiction. The characters, names, events and places, are the product of the author's imagination and utilized fictitiously, so any resemblance to actual persons, alive or deceased, or to any business, is entirely coincidental.

### Acknowledgments

Thanks to Issa, whose impressive prompt urged me to write this story, one that had been lurking in my mind for a while, but I avoided writing until now, due to the emotional investing it meant to me. I'm glad I finally did it. The warmest thanks to Stacy Jo, who generously dedicated countless hours to copy-edit this book. I want to show my deep appreciation to Barb and Jackie for their excellent work proofreading this book. Also, lovingly thanks to Pat, who, besides being my cheerleader and always believed in me, provided professional insight about the HIV environment too.

My eternal gratitude to the staff of the Goodreads M/M Romance group, for holding the 2012 "Love is Always Write" event, where this book originated, as part of a collection of a hundred and fifty free M/M short stories, novellas and novels. Joining the group will allow you to read all those stories and much more, but mainly, you will find like-minded friends. Extra special thanks to Jen, who has been so understanding with me during the whole process of creating this book.

And last but not least, to my beloved Fernando, who died of AIDS in 2009. I will always remember you for being the kindest soul I've ever met, and my only regret is not having spent more time with you. This one is for you.
**Table of Contents**

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Epilogue

About The Author

Chapter 1

Esteban pulled the letter from his frock pocket for the countless time and skimmed over it until finding those paragraphs that, no matter how many occasions he read it, were hard to disregard and have affected his life forever.

It was as if Mauricio whispered the words into his ear. "Esteban, if you are reading this, I'm already dead. It was my final wish that you receive this letter as soon as I passed away. In truth, I hoped to live many years, but this illness is treacherous and there is a trap every step of the way."

Shaking his head, Esteban grimaced. God! Mauricio was dead.

He had been dead for nearly a year, but Esteban couldn't accept his loss. It was so hard to imagine his wayward friend gone. This last letter came as a total surprise, because Esteban had visited him while Mauricio was still alive, and thought everything had been said between them. Their peace settled, no regrets, apparently. Even though Esteban had many, he acted as if there were none for his beloved friend's benefit. Now, there was not even a tomb to pay his respects, because Mauricio arranged to be cremated and his ashes scattered at sea.

Only his letters, especially this one, were his comfort and his torment.

Avoiding the sentimentality that overcame him every time he'd read the letter, he reread his favorite part. "Don't feel sorry for me, I'm leaving at peace without any regrets, because I've lived a fulfilled life during these years. I experienced the greatest pleasures, happiness, and adventures. If I could turn back time, I would once again choose to live only twenty-two more years after leaving the seminary, rather than sixty as a priest. Yes, I'd rather die today knowing there was nothing I didn't experience once, than living until my nineties keeping those stupid vows."

Pausing, Esteban inhaled deeply before he kept reading, and then he skipped to the last part, which had worried him since the first time he'd read it. "My only concern is not having taken better care of Javier. I gave him this virus unaware of doing so, and even though he is still healthy, that could change overnight if he doesn't take care of himself.

Please, Esteban, look after him. He could lose his mind after my death, even try something terrible, because he doesn't know how to live without me. I taught him everything he knows. He'd left his overprotective family to move in with me, so he doesn't have any idea of how to live by himself. I already asked my brother to help you in being sure Javier is okay, but Diego has too many people under his responsibility. I know you are also busy, but this might be a case of life and death, and Javier is too young to die."

A shy knock on the door jolted Esteban, he'd barely had time to hide the letter before Sister Lupe entered the room.

"Father, I know you said not to bother you, but your brother, the one that looks like a gangster, is outside."

Before Esteban could reply, said brother announced himself behind her. "I heard that."

She jumped, and got closer to Esteban, who remained seated at his desk.

The six feet plus of Raul Hidalgo invaded his office, dressed in an expensive but tacky leather suit, even a humble girl like Lupe could see as such. She associated him with the kind of dark men she'd known in her native Mexico, maybe because Raul had the same arrogant expression and impertinent eyes.

Esteban told her, "It's okay, Sister Lupe, I asked him to come over."

Raul looked down at her. "I don't deal drugs, but if you switch careers, I could have a dancing pole ready for you."

When she scowled and lifted her head as if he couldn't scare her, he added, lowering his voice, "I'd personally train you."

After that, she managed to hasten out of the room.

"Raul, please!"

"What? She called me gangster and you said nothing."

"If you stop dressing like that maybe she wouldn't call you names."

"She would look great on a dancing pole, you know."

"She's a nun, Raul, stop being nasty."

"What have you done this time, Esteban?"

Raul dropped the newspaper over the desk while citing, "Archdiocese expels stellar attorney Father Hidalgo."

He paused, and when Esteban didn't say anything asked, "What happened, man?"

Esteban frowned, and picking up the paper, read some of the printed words.

"It's only baloney. I've not been defrocked, and they know nothing about it."

Afterward, he tossed the paper inside the wastebasket, where he was putting the stuff he had cleared from his desk.

"Well, I'm asking you, because you sure know, right?"

Esteban met the gaze so similar to his own, an unusual dark green that most members of the Hidalgo family had.

"I withdrew as counselor and asked for a few days leave of absence, but in the last few hours, I decided that I'm leaving the priesthood. So, my voluntary request to be laicized has been sent."

Raul looked at him speechless for a few seconds, and Esteban went back to finish cleaning his desk while waiting for his brother to process the news. Raul combed his short hair with both hands, still looking at his brother in awe.

"Oh, man. I didn't hear that. Well, at least, I'm not the one telling the family."

The tradition in the Hidalgo family was that the firstborn male joined the Catholic Church, while the second son ran the diverse family businesses, which had never been all legal. Knowing he would feel miserable representing certain aspects of those businesses, Esteban begged Raul to switch with him since his brother enjoyed the power and the thrill, of running the thin line between crime and legality.

Raul and he were so different, but his twin brother had always been protective of him, even when he'd disapproved of his choices.

"There is no need, Raul, I will tell them when I'm ready. I'm telling you now, so you don't waste your time trying to change my mind."

"Why, Esteban? If you didn't want to represent the church in this case, you could have asked Uncle Rob to bail you out."

Uncle Rob was also known as Cardinal Jose Roberto Hidalgo, their father's older brother, who already had an office at the Vatican, and who Esteban had always respected, but whose influence he didn't want at the moment.

"It's not only this case, and it's not the church, it's me. Speaking of our Eminence, you have to convince Dad not to call him until there is nothing he can do about it."

"Phew! He's Uncle Rob for me, I don't care if he wears a black and red dress. I remember he's cool."

"Then your job is easier—keep him out of my business."

"Easier said than done, by now Dad called him for sure, next thing you will be sent to one of those Jesuit seminars, and will come back more papist than the Pope. It happened every time you tried to quit."

Esteban considered for a second telling Raul about the way Mauricio's death affected him, but it would have meant telling his brother about Mauricio's sexuality, something he had hid from Raul until his death. Instead, Esteban told him.

"Not this time."

"The archbishop called Dad, and they had a long talk in Spanish; you know what that means right?"

"It's simply politics; besides, if you knew what happened why are you asking me?"

"Not really, all I heard is you beat the hell out of the defendant you were supposed to represent."

"I didn't hit him."

"Dad said that the only reason the man didn't file charges is because he didn't want more press. Come on, tell me what got into you?"

"From the start, I pleaded to our Excellency not to include me in the defense team, but he insisted that I do, at least, the depositions."

"And?"

"While recording some of the testimonies, I have no doubt the plaintiff is telling the truth. The priest we've been ordered to represent is guilty, and I can't defend that man. Besides, I'm sure the jury will perceive the same I did."

Raul stirred both arms in the air.

"Jesus, Esteban, you might be a lawyer and a Jesuit priest, but you are also the most naive person I've met in my whole life. Even Lupe would guess it."

"Leave Sister Lupe alone. Guess what?"

"There has been a fucking conspiracy going on for centuries, so there was a cover up. You are part of a team that must defend the church's money. That's the bottom line, idiot. Money!"

"I know that. It was the reason I would have rather not been part of the team."

"The archbishop gave Dad the choice to talk to you first, before they exile you somewhere out of the spotlight. I didn't tell Dad that you want me to pick you up. So what should I say to him now?"

Esteban thought for a few seconds, and shrugged.

"There are two cardinals, four bishops and a myriad of priests and nuns in our genealogical tree. Tell Dad, and the whole family, that I won't be their pope."

"Esteban, all you have to do is to apologize."

"I'm not doing it either."

"What's wrong with you man? Wait a second did anybody mess with you too?"

"No, Raul. Sometimes I feel survival guilt, nobody would dare to mess with a Hidalgo, you know that, but I met a couple of kids back in the seminary that were abused. The plaintiff reminded me of them, and later during a meeting with the defendant, this despicable person compared himself to me, so I lost it."

"Damn it! He is really sick, eh?"

"How could he dare to compare himself to me? Next thing I knew is I cleaned the table with him. I didn't hit him, but I pulled him over to my side along with the glasses of water, paper and everything else."

"Fuck, Esteban. I wish I had been there."

"No, you wouldn't. If the other counselors wouldn't have stopped me, I'd have beaten him. Do you see now, why I don't want our Eminence getting involved in this? I'm responsible for my own actions."

During his friend's convalescence, Esteban had long conversations with Mauricio, and recognized what was really missing from his life, and the longing increased. He'd still controlled it; if there was something he had in spades, it was strong will, but when that bastard tried to compare himself to him, he lost his patience.

"Raul, I know discipline, and how hard it is to resist temptation, so being compared to someone who knows nothing of these things, and didn't have any qualms in abusing a minor, made my blood boil."

"Oh, man, now I understand your rage. So, are you finally leaving the church, marrying some nice girl and having kids?"

"Never."

"Never to which part?"

"I'm not getting married to anybody or having children. You have enough progeny. Why do you keep insisting on that?"

"Because, I'm afraid that you will leave the church and go all gay and everybody will believe I'm the same."

"Oh, selfish as usual, aren't we? Don't worry, as long as Dad is alive, I will never come out. Besides, I'm a man of God. I probably will transition into the Episcopal Church."

"Those clergy can get married."

"What an obsession with marriage you have, Raul. For someone who recently got divorced that's pretty weird."

"I'm tired of seeing you lonely with only women like Lupe around you."

"Raul. Which part of gay didn't you get?"

Esteban didn't wait for an answer that would never come. Raul seemed speechless for a few long seconds. Esteban knew that his brother didn't like it when he referred to his unwanted homosexuality, because wanted or not, it was part of him; a part that shamed Esteban as much as it shamed the members of his family who knew about it.

"Esteban, are you ready?"

"Yeah, I only need to make a quick phone call and we can leave."

"Okay. Do you want me to take anything to the car while you change?"

"Yes, please take those boxes, I'll be right out."

Chapter 2

Blind to the beauty of the early spring sky, and tired of pacing the same spot in the little garden, Javier dropped under a leafless tree. His mind was lost in the recent past as usual, unaware that the bottom of the tree had become his favorite spot in the last three weeks. The only place he could find any solitude during the day in the big crowded house in which he lived.

The warm breeze caressed his face, pulling back his hair. He wished that he could throw Mauricio's memories to the wind and forget that he had been his entire world. From the start it sounded too good to be true, and Javier suspected that passionate love would eventually become an addiction that might kill him. Maybe not so fast, but yes, he might eventually die of having loved Mauricio.

It had been love at first sight, in spite of Mauricio being older than him. Javier had fallen under the spell of the most experienced man he'd ever met. That charming smile and gentle disposition were irresistible when matched with a lean muscular body and a handsome face.

He had to think that now, it was only himself—simply Javier. He had to start again, stop thinking about the past, and Mauricio.

He'd given so much love, and at the end, even his hard earned money; but today, adding all together, his countless tears were all he could budget for. Although being fair, Javier had been happy beyond his wildest fantasies.

Sometimes when Javier was silent, he listened to Mauricio's voice, perceived his scent lingering in the air, or his hands embracing his waist. Of course, it was only his imagination, but sometimes it felt so real, it hurt.

He wished nobody thought of him, because no amount of kind words would change anything. So much died together with Mauricio, that Javier felt there was nothing else to experience, but simply remember he had been a volcano erupting in passion within Mauricio's arms.

While making love, Mauricio had taught him hundreds of caresses, but today sex was the last thing on Javier's mind. Having HIV, he feared rejection from any possible partner.

Conscious of his only twenty-five years, in spite of the legacy of being HIV positive, he should be looking forward to the future. However, starting again seemed impossible, because without Mauricio's love he'd collapsed, and the only thing that kept him going on was to fulfill Mauricio's last wish.

Javier had to personally return twenty years of letters to Mauricio's pen pal and best friend, Esteban Hidalgo. He knew little about Esteban. When he'd met Mauricio, he noticed that he received letters and books from this person.

Javier had asked, "Why don't you guys e-mail one another? Letters are so yesterday."

Mauricio had looked at him as if Javier had insulted his only religious ritual, and indignantly explained, "It's not the same. This, he held it in his hand, and this, I wrote with my own hand. It's a real way to keep in touch regardless of the distance."

It had been then, when Javier noticed for the first time, the generational gap that Mauricio's bed skills had managed to erase before. His husband died at thirty-nine, so Esteban should be around the same age.

These guys witnessed the development of the personal computer, but they still wrote letters like it was the Victorian age or something.

Before passing away, Mauricio had two obsessions, Javier's forgiveness and returning Esteban's letters to him. Mauricio had said how sorry he was for transmitting the virus to him so many times that Javier felt bad, and the letters. Mauricio had put them in an expensive leather portfolio, all of them, carefully packed, and had handed the portfolio to Javier as if instead of letters, it were full of gold coins. Certainly, it weighed almost as much.

Javier moved out of the condo he shared with Mauricio for the last three years. In the end, it had been too hard to pay the mortgage Mauricio refinanced to cover the cost of the lavish lifestyle they'd enjoyed in the last two years.

Many times Javier thought of reminding Mauricio that he would probably outlive him, but it would have been cruel to say such a thing. Those last months had been hard for Mauricio, so Javier would have done anything to please him. And ignoring the future seemed to be one of those things.

Javier had been born into a family of classical musicians, and he'd completed his Masters of Music degree at the Juilliard School shortly after he married Mauricio. His mother was a gifted pianist and his father a talented violinist. After they married and had children, seeing the talent the kids inherited, they formed a string quartet with their four kids, and made a living entertaining at social events of all kinds.

It had been during one of those performances that Javier met Mauricio. Javier usually ignored the people who'd attended the parties they entertained, because his father was strict about it. When Mauricio had approached Javier while his dad had been distracted with the host, and had introduced himself using his seductive mild manners telling Javier that he wanted to know him better, that he'd had been observing him for months at different events, and his dream was to have a private performance, Javier had fallen in love at the first hello.

At twenty-two and having been raised in a conservative way, Javier had been easily seduced by the experienced man, and in spite of his father's opposition, ended up living with Mauricio only a week after they started dating. The rest was now history.

After Mauricio died, Javier had come back to his family's home. He was devastated, but because his family wouldn't understand, he'd tried to hide his pain. Of course, it was still there.

Regardless of how much his family needed him to perform in their quartet, they didn't comprehend when he explained to them what being HIV positive really meant.

"So you don't have AIDS after all?"

"I do."

He'd answered his older sister, who sat together with the rest of the family in their living room. She had shaken her head, confused, "But you said that you don't have any symptoms yet and that you might live indefinitely."

Well, that was her; she'd never been polite or considerate.

Javier had made an effort to explain again. "Being HIV positive means I carry the virus in my blood, but I haven't developed the syndrome, yet. It could be years before I do, and with the new meds, I could live many years of a healthy life."

"If that's so, why is Mauricio dead?"

The one who asked the question had been his younger brother, who probably guessed by Javier's expression how unwelcome the words were, but with a sigh, Javier answered.

"He found out too late that he was infected, but even then, he got better with the medications, and his cell count was so low that he stopped taking his medications because of the horrible side effects some produced. I didn't know he wasn't taking his meds, I thought he'd adjusted to the side effects. By the time I discovered it, it was too late, and his body didn't respond to the treatments anymore. Everyone reacts differently to the virus. I hope to be one of those who do well."

He paused and looked at them. They were speechless at first, then, with clenched fists at his side, Javier's father had blurted, "That man was an irresponsible moron, and if he wasn't dead I would kill him!"

After that, he'd stormed out of the room, and everyone else followed suit.

Javier stayed there wondering if coming back home had been the right choice. He went to his room, and viewed the briefcase with Esteban's letters. He had to deliver them, and afterward, maybe he could really put those three years behind him and start over again. When that thought crossed his mind, the realization that in order for that to happen he would need to leave his family's home again, hit him almost in a physically painful way.

His mother kept cleaning with a bleach solution after him; the whole house reeked of it. She kept a big plastic container with water and bleach in the kitchen sink for Javier to put in it any tableware he used, before it could be placed in the dishwasher. All of that was kind of humiliating, because no matter how many times he'd explain the ways the virus passed from one person to another, they didn't get it. He'd noticed how they avoided touching him, how their relatives stop visiting, and if any of them ever showed up, they didn't bring in their kids.

Then he'd cut himself while peeling an orange. The cut wasn't that deep, but it bled as if it were. It had occurred while they all were watching a TV show, which for a few minutes reminded Javier of when he was a child, giving him a false sense of security.

It took merely seconds for his brothers and sister, followed by his parents to walk away from him to a corner of the room, where it seemed safe to stand.

Javier stayed sat, putting pressure over the cut in order to make the bleeding stop. He'd felt ashamed, but mostly, hurt by the fact that his family reacted as if his blood were radioactive, or he was some sort of monster. Well, his blood carried a virus that could eventually kill, and he'd read somewhere that legally if he spread his blood to anybody this could be considered a weapon, so maybe his kin's reaction wasn't that wrong.

In the end, his mother handed him a first aid kit, somehow he'd managed to mutter that he couldn't do anything holding his finger with his hand. He suggested that she use gloves and help, she was about to do so, when his father stopped her, saying that Javier simply needed a Band-Aid. She extracted one from the box and set it on Javier's lap, moving back to her position next to her husband. Javier put the Band-Aid over the cut, and walked to the kitchen where he dropped the orange in the trash, after putting the knife in the container of water with bleach.

Now, he spent more of his time in the backyard under that tree, feeling like the dog the family never had. He wished there was some place he could go, but his mind was somewhat blank now.

The sound of his cellular phone surprised him, because it rarely sounded at all, very few people wanted talk with him. The fact that it was Esteban Hidalgo's voice surprised him even more. Because he only called him at night, and it was only noon, he answered his greeting still in shock.

"Javier, I'm leaving New York for the time being, and thought of coming to your place to pick up the letters."

When Javier didn't say anything for a few seconds, Esteban quickly added, "I hope this is not a bad time for you."

"No, on the contrary, I'm glad you called."

"Are you sure? I don't want to impose myself."

"Yep, when are you coming?"

"In about twenty minutes, if that is okay with you?"

"Sure. I was thinking of calling you to find out when was the best time for us to meet, so I could give you the letters."

"It doesn't have to be today, Javier. I can come back when you're ready, and we can meet then."

"Today is fine! It's perfect, trust me!"

"Great, this is good timing for both of us. My usually busy schedule has been unexpectedly cleared, so we will be able to spend some time together. I'm looking forward to meeting you."

"Oh, I'm so sorry if you got laid off."

"I fired myself, or something to that effect. I'll explain to you better when we meet."

"Okay. Esteban, you have no idea of how much I wanted to talk with you again."

After a few seconds of silence Esteban asked, "Are you okay, Javier? Is your family giving you a hard time again?"

That was the understatement of the century, but Javier didn't want to admit it.

"We are not getting along as I thought we would; they've changed." he paused, "scratch that, they are the same, I have changed."

"I understand. Javier, the offer I extended the first time we spoke still stands. If you want, you can come with me, and you can stay with us as long as you feel like. Diego will be pleased to share time with another musician."

Javier's brother-in-law, Diego Alvarez, had always been nice to him, but suddenly he wanted to know if Diego was the "we" part of us. Because Esteban always talked in plural, like there would be a whole town waiting for him, or was it only Diego?

When Javier didn't say anything, Esteban added, "Listen, you don't have to make your mind up right away. Come and visit us, and decide if we are a better option than your family."

Javier thanked him again, and they agreed that he would be picking him up to go to Hoboken after lunch, and Javier probably would stay for dinner, or overnight, depending on how Javier felt.

The minute Javier ended the call he knew what to do, and what he wanted, which was to be part of the life of Esteban Hidalgo, even if only as a close friend.

For the first time ever, someone offered him a few choices that depended only on what Javier wanted to do. He liked that, because in the past it had been his father's will, and later Mauricio's that only mattered.

Today, he felt like following his own will.

In that instant, he realized that listening to Esteban became his only pleasure, maybe his musician's ear had been touched by the other man's rich baritone voice. Esteban definitely missed ghetto 101, his manners over the phone were impeccable, and his diction, perfect.

During the times they spoke, Javier tried to guess more about this mysterious person that had been his husband's best friend, and who somehow had become the only brightness in his current state of mind.

Did he really grow up in the same neck of the woods as Mauricio? If not, how did they meet? He'd asked Mauricio a couple of times and all Javier got was that they had attended school together. Maybe it had been college. Not many hints about Esteban's profession there, because Mauricio had dropped out and hated to recall that time.

Javier had met Esteban, piece by piece, like the puzzle the man actually was. First his voice, next his cologne and his beautiful handwriting. It had been hard to resist reading those letters, but something told him he'd better respect the privacy of Esteban and Mauricio. Javier had to work on Saturday nights, during the only time that Esteban could visit Mauricio, so by the time Javier got home, all that was left behind was that delicious smell, and his happy husband. Because nothing made Mauricio happier than spending time with his old friend; although, there were occasions when he had been sad, and melancholy after one of Esteban's visits too.

The more Javier thought about Esteban, the more intrigued Javier felt. Even so, he'd hesitated to call him again. Every time they spoke, Esteban had said to call him if Javier needed anything, but being the educated person he was, it was probably a formality.

It had taken only ten minutes to be ready, during which Javier got together essential clothes, his meds, his favorite musical instruments, which were the ones Mauricio bought for him, and the briefcase with Esteban's letters. His father wasn't home, so he told his mother he was going to Jersey to visit his brother-in-law. She seemed concerned, but relieved at the same time.

Javier was so anxious to leave that he waited outside.

An expensive car arrived, parked a few meters from where he stood, and two men got out. Both walked toward Javier, side by side—tall, dark and good-looking. A familiar resemblance announced to the world they must be related, but at the same time, a closer look showed how different they were. Javier felt grateful for the seconds that would take him to reach the pair, because it would give him enough time to disguise his surprise at one of them being a priest.

A part of him felt disappointed, hoping, almost praying that the one using the Roman collar was not Esteban, but the other man's body language didn't match that educated voice he'd fallen for over the phone. Whoever he was, this one walked like a predator, slow, sensual, and with a movement of hips that announced to the world the amazing lover he could be. Indeed, he strode forward subtly pushing his groin as if it were a badge of sorts. Never his type, this kind of blatant sexuality had always scared Javier.

Not that he wanted to find a new lover, even though Mauricio had begged him to go out and start a new life. As if that were easy with his current condition. On the other hand, the fact that he analyzed these men as possible partners could mean his dormant libido was awakening.

Once they stood in front of him, he confirmed a resemblance so strong that Javier wondered if they were twins.

That voice that could get him warm and fuzzy in a naughty way, addressed him while a firm handshake took possession of his right hand.

"Javier, right? It's so nice to meet you."

So, that settled it, Esteban was the priest. Welcome to purgatory, Javier.

There was no use denying it, he had developed a crush on Esteban during these weeks while they spoke over the phone, and now, said crush had been crushed, pun intended. The man was a Catholic priest for God's sake.

For the first time in months, Javier noticed another man's body, along with that smile and those amazing eyes.

Too bad, Esteban not only was HIV negative, but a Catholic priest. Javier summed up to himself hoping the news sank once and for all, while he said the first thing that came to his mind.

"You don't look Hispanic at all."

Esteban smiled. "But I'm Latin, one hundred per cent, my family came from Italy and Spain."

Javier returned the smile. "My grandparents came from Andalusia, Spain."

"Interesting, mine are from Asturias."

This time Javier briefly looked Esteban up and down again.

Asturias, that explained it all, the height, the light eyes, and the temperament. In that moment, the other man at his side told Esteban, "You forgot the twice Italian part."

Esteban turned to him. "This is my brother Raul Hidalgo. Raul, this is Javier Lozano, a friend of Mauricio who kindly took care of something Mauricio left for me. And who is coming with us to New Jersey."

A friend? Javier wondered if he should correct him and explain that he was actually Mauricio's widower, but the way Esteban placed his arm over his shoulder made him hesitate. "Yes, we're having a mini Mauricio's friends' reunion."

What? Before Javier could grasp the situation, he automatically extended his hand to shake Raul's, but saw that Raul was frowning at him.

"Great. A friend of Mauricio is a friend of mine too. Aren't you kind of young to be his friend?"

What kind of question was that? Javier felt like saying, no, I was old enough to be his husband. Why had Mauricio never mentioned Raul? Why was Esteban trying to hide his real relation with Mauricio?

Esteban teased his brother. "Raul, what manners are those? Age is no limit for friendship. But if you need an explanation, Mauricio was Javier's instructor."

Well, Mauricio taught him a lot, although not exactly music. Javier thought to himself.

Raul looked surprised. "Oh, you're a musician too?"

Javier nodded. "Yes, a violinist."

"I see."

Whatever that was it seemed to be between the lines and blurred to Javier, who didn't understand a thing. Suddenly, Raul appeared to make up his mind because he smiled wide and said, "Cool. I hope you stay around long enough to meet the most interesting parts of Hoboken, and of course, our big family. Let's go."

Chapter 3

As he sat in the back seat of Raul's car, Javier tried to relax, but it was impossible. He still wondered why Esteban didn't tell Raul about his real relationship with Mauricio; although Javier had a good idea, because in the last year of his life, Mauricio had reunited with every person who had ever been important to him, including his family of course. To Javier's annoyance, after apologizing in advance, Mauricio insisted on Javier being introduced only as his roommate to everybody in his family and his friends.

The only exceptions were his brother Diego, and of course, Esteban, who Javier had never met until today.

Javier agreed because at that point, he didn't argue with Mauricio anymore, although it still hurt. They were among the first same sex couples to be married in New York, but his husband wanted to hide him from everyone he cared about, by saying he was only his roommate, at most his friend.

It didn't make any sense to Javier that only their Manhattan acquaintances who shared a similar lifestyle knew about their union. He'd married a stranger, because until that moment, Javier ignored the fact that Mauricio was so closeted; living a life for his Manhattan friends and another for his family in Jersey.

Many years ago, Javier had come out to his family. Being formed by mostly artists, everybody understood, but he knew that his parents were disappointed. They had plans for him, big ones, and somehow his sexual preference seemed to stand in the way. Javier could not understand why who he preferred to sleep with could affect his possible future as a concertmaster. Until then, he thought all he needed were the right instructions and countless hours of practice. They obviously had foreseen the future in a way that only parents sometimes might fear.

So, Raul should be someone that belonged to the close, but not trusted, Mauricio's friends and family club.

His eyes met Raul's a couple of times via the rearview mirror, and it was obvious the other man felt curious about him. This didn't bother Javier, because he could perceive that curiosity as nonsexual. In the past, getting that sort of attention from men that looked like Raul worried him, because it had forecasted unwanted sexual attention that Javier had dodged eventually, at the cost of any possible friendship.

From the passenger seat Esteban half turned in Javier's direction. "How is your music going? Are you practicing again?"

His voice sounded even better in person. It was gentle, caring, and softly spoken, but also masculine. It flowed over the senses like a caress.

"Yes. The only good thing about moving back with my family has been the chance to practice music again."

He had told Esteban how he could not play like he had in the past. Something was missing from Javier's performances. His heart was the missing element, according to his father's assessment. Javier needed to practice more hours. Therefore, Javier had done so, but no amount of practice could return his will to live, and the passion that had slowly died along with Mauricio.

"Do you have any plans for the near future?"

Getting that question from anybody else would have bothered him, but somehow Javier answered honestly and easily.

"No. I keep practicing, but I'm not ready to work as an orchestral musician again."

"When you feel ready, I'm sure Diego can help you, he has contacts from his time as a concertmaster."

"He isn't playing anymore?"

"Not often, only for special events like fundraising for charities. You might also find work with him too."

"Work? With Diego?"

Before Esteban could say more, Raul intervened. "Are you sure, Esteban? I don't think Diego is good company for someone like Javier."

Raul's voice was similar to his brother's, but there was no tenderness in it, and his Jersey accent was deeper. Still, in spite of finding him somewhat aggressive, Javier liked the guy.

Esteban surprised Javier when he said almost between teeth. "Save it, Raul. Let Javier decide for himself."

"By the time he meets the real Diego it could be too late," Raul warned.

"Too late for what?" Esteban asked.

"He could end up perverted by Diego," Raul fumed.

"Raul!"

For a second Javier thought he didn't hear right, but Esteban's expression proved the contrary. He breathed deeply and turned to face Javier. "Don't pay attention Javier, because Raul and Diego hate each other. You will hear a similar version from Diego about Raul's immorality."

Before Javier could say anything, a cell phone rang. It was Raul's mobile, which was docked in the dashboard mount. He answered it in what sounded to Javier like Italian, but he spoke so fast it could have been Spanish. Both languages sounded similar to him. His parents always spoke English, so his Spanish was very limited and his Italian consisted mostly of musical terms. He distinguished the word speakerphone and Esteban saying.

"Hi, Mom. I'm okay. Listen, we're in Raul's car, and like he said, you're on the speaker, and we have a friend with us, so be polite and speak English."

A female voice asked, "A friend? What kind of friend? A girl?"

"No, Mom. A man. Actually, he used to be Mauricio's roommate. He's coming with us to visit Diego."

"Oh, I know who he is. I met him once. Hey! This is Doña Vibi!"

Of course, Javier remembered her. She had come with Diego one day to visit Mauricio, but Javier didn't remember anybody saying she was Esteban's mother. Mauricio had introduced her as his godmother, and explained to Javier that don or doña meant different things in Spanish than Italian. The term in front of an elder's name meant respect.

"Hello, Doña Vibi, this is Javier Lozano."

"Yeah, Javier, how are you doing, handsome?"

Jesus! Yes, that was Doña Vibi. The woman had been impressed by the way he looked, and said it very clearly, not in a lustful way though. She seemed to be the kind of person who simply expressed her mind, and was affable to everyone. Esteban came to his rescue.

"Mom, you're embarrassing Javier."

"Oh, I'm sorry, but he's cute, you know."

After that, Esteban whispered to Javier. "I didn't know you met my mom."

He answered in the same tone. "Yeah, she visited Mauricio once."

She heard that in spite of the whispering.

"Oh, my poor Mauricio, I miss him so much."

"We all miss him, Mom."

Esteban had said that patiently, but Javier felt his own pain coming back at once. She added, "Javier, Mauricio was my godson, you know?"

"Yes, I know, he told me when you were coming over."

Esteban interrupted her, "Mom, we can talk about this when we get there."

"Oh, Esteban, you can't come over."

"Why not?"

"Your cousin Antolin said the town is full of journalists asking about you."

"Fuck!"

Raul blurted as soon as she talked, so she asked more quietly, in a tone that reminded Javier of Esteban's.

"That was Raul, right?"

The culprit sighed and said, "I'm sorry, Mom. What else can I say in a situation like this, eh?"

She ignored him and asked, "Esteban, what happened? Why are these people so interested in you?"

"Mom, I'm leaving the church, that's what happened, and I'm no longer working with the case I was."

"I'm glad you're not involved in that awful matter. Oh, Esteban. You're quitting the church?"

"Yes. Don't tell Dad until I can talk to him."

"Too late, I am listening too." A deep male voice said on the other side.

"Damn!"

"That was Esteban!" Raul announced and Javier held a grin.

Esteban was leaving the priesthood. That was all Javier cared about in that moment, he refused to question why he liked the news so much.

"Dad, this time nothing is going to stop me."

"We'll see about that. Like your mother said, you can't come home right now."

Esteban replied to his father, "Maybe if we get in via Jersey City, I can make it to Diego's house without being seen."

Doña Vibi informed them, "Esteban, Diego is in South Jersey with Camila. Do you have your set of keys from Diego's house?"

"No, Mom, I left them inside Diego's house, because I only need them if I'm in Jersey. Let me think what's I'm going to do, I'll call you back."

She quickly added, "Esteban, I'm so glad you're leaving the church. I don't care if they blame me."

Their father voice was heard over hers, "Valeria! How could you say such a thing?"

"Sergio, they're going to blame his Italian blood as usual, so what? He's twice Italian, and we better deal with it."

"Mujer!"

Javier knew that meant woman, and it had been a clear warning of some sort. Esteban seemed alarmed. "Please don't fight over this because it is a personal decision, so there is nothing any of you can do. Dad, Mom has nothing to do with it. And forget all that stupid argument about Italian blood. We all descend from Romans."

"I know, but your grandma won't listen. Esteban, call us later, and don't worry, I'll keep them from killing each other."

"Thanks, Dad. Mom, don't fight with grandma, please."

The silence that followed promised that nothing would stop that fight, still, Doña Vibi ended the call saying, "Va bene."

"I hope so, Mom, that everything will be all right," Esteban agreed.

Raul let a deep breath escape and said, "I found it strange there was no press outside of the archdiocese when we left, but I never imagined they would dare to hunt you down at home."

Esteban combed his short hair with a hand. "Me neither. My hope is that once the trial starts, they forget about me."

"Yes, they probably will. For now you can stay with me." He looked at Javier in the back seat through the rearview mirror and added, "You're welcome to stay as well, Javier, my place is big enough."

For some reason Javier would never know, he answered, "Thanks, but before I accept, you should know I'm HIV positive."

Raul frowned, glanced at Esteban and back to the mirror before he shrugged and affirmed.

"So what? I'm not having sex with you."

"Well, there are some people who don't feel comfortable sharing their space with people who have the virus."

"Ignorant people! Everybody knows how the thing is passed from one person to another, right?"

In that moment, Javier noticed that Esteban had turned to look at him as much as the seatbelt allowed.

"Javier, you don't need to disclose your status to anybody unless you're planning to be intimate with that person."

"Really? I thought I should tell people."

"Well, it's up to you, but I think it's better if you wait until you know the person better, and this goes for any possible employer as well. I don't think you're a risk if the contact is casual."

Javier nodded, feeling like a kid. He wished that explaining his experience with his family was possible, but out of loyalty for them, he didn't want to tell about the way he'd been treated. He felt grateful when Raul changed the subject.

"Listen, guys, I want to cross the river before the rush hour hits us, so I'm taking the Holland Tunnel right now, but instead of going to Hoboken, I'm heading for Jersey City. We can stop at the Exchange Place mall and get something to eat, while deciding what's next."

Esteban nodded. "It sounds like a plan. I'm going to see if I can get Diego on the phone."

Raul took his eyes from the road for a second, turning to look at his brother, and Esteban questioned him, "What?"

Raul shook his head putting his attention back on the highway.

Again, Javier wondered about Esteban's relation with Diego. His brother-in-law never mentioned having anything but friendship with Esteban, of course, with him being a priest and all even if there was something more Diego wouldn't confide to him. Mauricio never said anything either, but Esteban mentioned Diego's home and Doña Vibi asked if Esteban had his keys, obviously to Diego's home.

Javier wanted to ask so many questions, but he didn't dare.

Then Raul said, "Esteban, this might be for the best, because the last place you want to be is where the whole family is going to gather to discuss your tragedy."

"What tragedy?"

Raul drawled with mockery.

"You're quitting the church, that is a tragedy for the Hidalgo family in case you haven't realized it yet."

Esteban sighed, his shoulders sinking in the car seat. "I hope they don't blame Mom."

"It's inevitable. They blamed her when I divorced, when Tina divorced, and now, you're quitting the church. It must be the Italian blood."

"Sure, the twice Italian thing!"

To Javier's surprise they both laughed.

This time he had to ask, "Excuse me, but what is all that about Italian blood?"

Raul, still laughing, told Javier, "Esteban explains it better."

He said, "Well, it's a family joke, I don't know if you will get it, but I'll summarize it for you since you asked."

"Please. I really want to know, especially if I'm going to be around here."

He wasn't sure if it was his imagination, but Esteban stared at him for a few seconds before explaining.

"Okay. My family is very traditional, we can trace our ancestors to the time Spain was still the Iberia Peninsula and ruled by the Ottoman Empire. By the way, Asturias was the only part of the Peninsula the moors never conquered."

"Really? I didn't know that."

"Yes, that can give you an idea of how stubborn Asturians are. Anyway, the Hidalgos emigrated all over the world, some moved to the States, but continued to marry brides imported from Spain. Except one Italian bride that joined the family around 1840, and everything bad any Hidalgo has done afterward has been blamed on this Italian blood addition to the family. More recently, my father met my mother, who is also Italian, and my family opposed their marriage, but they got married anyway. And there you have it, the twice Italian thing."

"Oh, I see. They are really conservative, aren't they?"

"Yes, you have no idea." He sounded worried for the first time since Javier spoke to him.

Raul added. "Conservative, Catholic, Apostolic and Roman, but still some don't appreciate the Italian blood."

Esteban commented, "We all descend from Celts and Romans so I don't see the obsession with it."

"It gives them a reason to gossip and complain, you know that." Raul remarked.

Javier told them, "Like your mom said, everything will be all right, don't worry."

"I hope so, Javier. Let me see if Diego will answer this time, he must be in the farmyard because he is not answering."

"A farm?"

"Yes, my aunt has a farm in South Jersey, and Diego is helping her to transform the place to be used by a charity foundation our family has."

"So he can inherit her fortune."

Raul had said this, and Esteban shook his head, looking at Javier, before dialing his cell phone.

"Again, disregard anything Raul says about Diego, and vice versa."

Esteban left a message for Diego and stayed silent for a while looking ahead as if in reflection.

Javier got excited for this new adventure. He'd lived all his life in Manhattan, and had never gone through the Holland Tunnel—one of the two tunnels under the Hudson River connecting New York with New Jersey. He felt they crossed it fast, because it was definitely shorter than the Lincoln Tunnel, which he had traveled through in the past.

Soon they passed houses and tall buildings, everything looked modern, like it had been recently built, and the many trees announced why New Jersey was called the Garden State. It surprised Javier to see that it was not only green that dressed the trees, but many shades of reds.

Raul entered a tall building that happened to be a parking lot, and parked on the top floor. They walked into a mall and headed for the food court. Javier noticed how every female's eye within their wake riveted on them. The brothers didn't qualify as handsome, but they exuded sex appeal with their strong masculine features. Their dark hair contrasted with light eyes, and while Esteban was unpretentious, his calm stride displayed the length of his muscular body.

Sitting on one of the many tables in front of a Chinese restaurant, Raul said, "Enough Italian for today, I hope you don't mind, Javier."

Javier shook his head, while Esteban remained thoughtful. From where they were sitting, they could see the menus on the walls of the restaurant, so everybody chose, and Raul went to get the food.

"I'm sorry, Javier," Esteban said as soon as Raul was out of earshot. His voice touched him deeply.

"Why?"

"I invited you to come over without thinking that we might encounter difficulties."

"It's okay. I was so bored before, this is great for me."

Esteban's gaze fixed on his face and Javier found it hard to keep it with his own. "I have an apartment in Diego's home, but I only use it for storage. Since you're not in trouble, I can call Mom and you can stay with them until Diego comes back, and after that you can stay in my place as long as you want."

"What about you?"

"I don't know yet, I'm thinking of maybe leaving the country for a while."

"Why? You didn't do anything wrong, right?"

"Nothing I regret, but I need to distance myself from everything."

"Then take me with you, please?"

Javier spoke without thinking, and he could see the surprise in Esteban's face. At that moment, Raul put a tray with beverages on the table, and anything Esteban was going to answer was forgotten for the time being.

Chapter 4

After they finished eating, Javier excused himself to go to the restroom, and as he walked away from the table, before he could stop himself, Esteban followed him with his eyes. He'd seen pictures of Javier Lozano, but nothing had prepared him for meeting him in person. He knew Javier was handsome because he'd viewed the wedding pictures Diego had shown him, but Esteban never met anybody like Javier before. It wasn't only a matter of physical beauty, although Javier's bone structure reminded Esteban of the Hellenistic sculptures he had admired at the Vatican.

Javier oozed charisma and didn't know it, so he acted almost shy and without any pretense.

He felt attracted to him as if they were both magnets, everything about the younger man appealed to him. He'd resisted temptations before, but nothing like this. And Javier was not helpless, he wanted to be with him, or rather next to him. Esteban still remembered how his whole body thrilled when Javier asked him to take him with him.

A few minutes after he left, Esteban could still picture Javier in his mind with his short wavy chestnut hair framing his face and his expressive light brown eyes, which looked at Esteban with a mix of adoration and tenderness.

Raul waved a hand in front of his brother's face, winced, and exclaimed with an index finger pointing to Esteban. "Dear God! Esteban, you're leaving the church because of him."

The statement caught Esteban unaware, because in all honesty it didn't cross his mind Javier had anything to do with his sudden choice. "No. I'm leaving the church because I don't think I can do anything to change it for the better."

"Yeah, right. Say whatever you want, but I'm not stupid, man. And for your information, I never bought that he was Mauricio's roommate only."

With those words he walked away to toss a paper cup in a nearby wastebasket. When he came back to the table, Esteban stood in front of him, face to face, and said slowly but firmly, "Raul, don't mess with Javier, are we clear? If you say anything offensive to him, anything at all, you will have to deal with me, got it?"

"Yeah. Threatening your brother over him, and you are still denying it?"

One of the reasons Esteban thought his friendship with his brother was positive, regardless of being tough at times, was because Raul didn't play games. He'd always said what he thought, especially to loved ones. Even if his opinion might hurt some feelings, and Esteban had a lot to learn in that sense.

"Raul, you can mess with Diego all you want, because when Diego can't take it anymore, he beats the hell out of you."

Raul raised a hand and clarified. "We beat each other, but he plays dirty, scratching like a girl. The whore made me lose a girlfriend, because my girl wouldn't believe I got all scratched in a fight with another guy."

Esteban held a grin, and continued with a serious expression. "See? You called him names, and wondered when Diego reacted. The truth is I have to pick up some letters Mauricio left for me with Javier."

"Letters? Written by whom?"

"By me. He's returning the letters I sent Mauricio during the last twenty years."

In that moment, Esteban had another question to ponder. What if Mauricio left the letters with Javier on purpose, so Esteban had to meet him, and check on his well-being? Yes, that probably had been the plan, because Mauricio could have returned those letters to him during any of Esteban's visits. On the other hand, if he didn't meet Javier before, it had been all Esteban's fault. At first, he avoided the encounter because he had been jealous, and later because his spirit knew what he confirmed today, that Javier Lozano could be his perdition.

He returned his attention to Raul, noticing his brother's unusually thoughtful expression as he sat back in his chair. Sitting in front of him, Esteban asked, "Raul, what's wrong?"

Raul looked at him and said in a serious tone. "I'm stupid after all. All these years, I thought something was going on between Diego and you."

Diego and Mauricio Alvarez had been their friends and neighbors all their lives, and while Esteban had a great friendship with both of the Alvarez brothers, Raul had always disliked Diego for being effeminate, and thought that beating the gay out of him would work. In the long run, Diego learned to fight back and Esteban concluded they enjoyed their bloody arguments, so he didn't intervene anymore.

"Raul, I told you hundreds of times that there was nothing more than friendship between us."

"I get it now. The real thing was between Mauricio and you, right?"

Esteban concluded there was no point in denying it. "Mauricio didn't want you to know, because he wanted you to preserve the image you had of him of being like you."

Raul made a face. "Dear God! I was so blind. I suspected something like that, but I never wanted to admit it, not of Mauricio."

"I know that being close friends you consider this a treason of sorts, but it was his life and his sexuality, so you have to respect it, even though you probably would have a lot to say."

"What about you? I've thought your homosexuality was unwanted."

"And it is, I've kept myself chaste all these years."

"Whew! I'm not sure what's worse, you being gay, or that silliness of chastity." Then frowning he asked, "What did you write in those letters?"

"Nothing ever happened between Mauricio and me, so there is very little romance in those letters. We only discussed books, some controversial, but I have the right to read whatever I please, don't I?"

"Well, in your current situation, you probably should be concerned. What if those letters fall in the hands of the press, eh? The press can take anything and turn it around, and you would find yourself in a compromising position. You're lucky the boy didn't sell them."

"No, he's not that kind of person. I've seen little of him, but I can tell he's honorable. Besides, at twenty-five, he's hardly a boy. "

"Esteban, are you serious about leaving the church?"

"Of course. Why?"

"It would be good if you got some new clothes. Since we're here, let do it. You're calling everybody's attention dressed like that."

Esteban agreed, and when Javier came back, he let Raul guide him into buying some new stuff. Nothing fancy, simply a few shirts, pants, and a pair of jeans, because Raul said, those were essential.

Back in the car, Raul returned a few calls, business related, and asked Esteban, "Where do you want to go? If you want you can stay at my condo, unless you want to visit any of the clubs?"

Esteban actually smiled at that one. "No, thanks. Your place will be okay. I'm thinking of going to the farm, but I should wait for Diego's call, in case they are coming back soon."

"Okay, let's go home, I need a break. There is an event at the North Bergen club tonight, but I can drive you tomorrow."

Esteban hadn't seen Raul's new place after his divorce. It was a big apartment in a high-rise on the New Jersey waterfront, in the town of West New York, only a few miles from Hoboken. Pure luxury, like Raul preferred, with three bedrooms, which were for when his kids visited him, and a panoramic view of Manhattan.

Esteban picked up a picture featuring his four nephews as soon as they walked in. They were little devils, but he loved them and missed not spending more time with them. Maybe now he could.

Raul stood next to him and said, "Are you considering getting your own?"

Esteban put the picture back in place. "We already discussed that, I'm not having kids."

When he turned around Javier was staring at him, until Raul asked Javier to follow him, so he could show him where he was going to stay. Then they disappeared down the hall that went to the bedrooms.

Esteban tried to call Diego again, this time he answered.

"Esteban, I hope you're calling for something other than Raul, otherwise I don't want to talk with you either."

"Diego, what's wrong?"

"Didn't Raul tell you?"

"No. I spent the whole afternoon with him, and he didn't say you guys fought harder than usual. Except that he lost a girlfriend because you scratched the hell out of him, but that's old news."

"This is serious, Esteban. If he doesn't back off, I'm getting a restraining order."

"What? Hold on. You're not answering my calls because of Raul, and now you're talking legalese here."

"I'm sorry, I promised never to get you involved, but he's your brother and this might get ugly."

"Diego, you're scaring me. What have you done to one another this time?"

"It's not because of me, it's the baby and the mother."

"Which baby?"

"There is this girl, well, she's in her twenties and she's expecting a baby." He paused for a second before saying quickly, "it could be either Raul's or mine. He wants her to abort, but I'm keeping the baby. So he better stay away from us."

"Jesus Christ! How is it possible that the baby is yours too?"

"Ask him, it's his fault. It was his idea, I should have never listened, but whatever it is, this innocent child is being born. So tell that baby killer brother of yours to stay away."

"Diego! Oh, my God, How did you guys get into this mess?"

"For the first time ever, I would rather have you listening to his version. We'll talk when you come around."

Esteban told him what happened with his own life, and Diego explained that he was going back to Hoboken in the morning. Before ending the call, he again apologized for not answering Esteban's calls before.

Afterward, Esteban walked into the bathroom to remove his clerical clothing, before dressing as a layman for the first time in twelve years. Taking into account the years he'd spent as a seminarian, and later as a Jesuit priest, in total he'd dedicated more than twenty years of his life to the Roman Catholic Church.

Yet he hesitated before removing his Roman collar forever, although he didn't have an option because the day he'd been ordained he'd promised celibacy and obedience, but he had been struggling to keep the first one for years, and by walking away from the case he broke the second one. He would rather leave the priesthood now, before dishonoring his promises and offending the church and his family any further.

When he joined his brother in the living room, Raul briefly applauded him. "Great, this is the first step. Listen, this is your house, feel free to do whatever you want."

"Thanks. Raul, I spoke with Diego."

"Fuck! Well, I guess he told you his version."

"No, he wants you to tell me first, but he gave me a preview."

"I don't feel like talking about that now. Is he coming back or are you joining him?"

"He will be back tomorrow."

"Okay. Do you mind if I take you there in the afternoon, I'm going to stay out all night, and I'll need to get some sleep in the morning before going out again."

"No problem, whenever you can drive us is fine."

Raul turned around and leaning forward whispered. "Are you continuing the celibate thingy?"

"Why are you asking? I don't expect that you would accept my choice in case I don't."

"I'm not homophobic, Esteban. My problems with Diego have nothing to do with the fact he's gay. It's because he is annoying, and the most stubborn person on this planet."

"Raul, I thought you guys were making an effort to become friends."

"I tried, I really tried, but he's impossible! I even shared one of my girlfriends with him."

"You did what?"

"You said that the Catholic medical association thinks gay people can be cured, right?"

"The fact they say it doesn't mean it's possible. Besides, forcing a gay man to have sex with a woman is no cure."

"I didn't force him, he agreed, and he liked it so much, he even stole her from me."

In spite of Raul's upset expression Esteban laughed. "He did what? You guys are insane. I'm not getting involved anymore in this nonsense."

Chapter 5

When Javier entered the living room, he noticed Raul's expression and tried to go back, but Raul stopped him. "Javier, it's okay, we're arguing about some crazy person we all know."

Javier noticed that Esteban had changed his clothing for a navy shirt and pair of black pants. He appeared younger, less severe looking, and Javier had to fix his gaze onto something else, before the two men noticed how interesting he found Esteban's lean sculpted muscles framed in the new clothes. He distracted himself by looking out the panoramic windows that made up a whole wall of the room, showcasing the Manhattan skyline.

"I'm sorry, if I interrupted something."

Esteban waved a hand. "No, you didn't. Take a seat, and listen to this craziness." Esteban waited until Javier sat down before continuing. "Raul and Diego decided to become friends, and to celebrate, Raul shared one of his girlfriends with Diego."

Javier couldn't believe his ears. "He has more than one?"

Raul reacted freshly. "Of course! Why should a man have only one?"

Javier was surprised by the saucy comment, but simply said, "I see. Did she agree to be with Diego too?"

Javier knew he sounded naive asking such questions, but he honestly was curious.

"Sure, you can't force a woman to do that. I mean, you can, but it wouldn't be the right thing to do."

"And what is the problem now?"

Esteban answered that one. "They are enemies again because she prefers Diego and is pregnant with his baby."

Raul stared at Esteban.

"It could be my baby."

"What's your version of the events, Raul?"

Raul dropped his shoes on the floor and hunkered down on the couch like a rebellious teenager. "Just what I said, man. I got Diego some pussy and he liked it so much that he got crazy."

Javier spoke before he could stop himself. "Really? I thought he was gay."

Esteban's expression equaled a prosecutor in front of the jury. "He is gay, Javier. And in all the years I've known him, which is all my life, I never heard of him liking any girl. I bet Raul did something else to get Diego in this mess. Raul, what did you use? Alcohol, drugs?"

"Javier is going to think I'm some kind of thug."

"When it comes to Diego, you have no qualms at all. To be fair Javier, Diego has done bad things to Raul, too."

Javier mumbled more for himself than the others. "Oh, they are really enemies."

Esteban remarked without taking his eyes from Raul, "Worse, because they shared the affection of many people who don't know what to do when they are at war. Anyway, this time there is an innocent involved. And I'm not talking only about the mother."

Raul got up and started pacing around a few feet. "It's my baby too. I mean that thing could be mine too."

Esteban stood in front of Raul stopping his errant movements, and his voice came out as tough as Javier had ever heard it.

"You're calling the baby thing, so killing him would not hurt, eh?"

Javier also stood. "Who is killing who?"

Javier had lost track of the argument, these two were at each other's throats, and Esteban was red to his ears when he said, "Raul wants the mother to have an abortion."

"Oh." Javier thought that even if he was pro-life, he understood there were times people had to make choices, but still the idea of a baby never being born affected him.

Esteban wiggled a finger in front of Raul's face. "Wait a second. How did she get pregnant? Don't tell me you were so irresponsible to have sex without protection, and forced Diego to do the same thing."

"I didn't force him! And the first time we used protection."

"The first time! So you guys did it more than once?"

Outraged, Esteban stared at his brother in shock, and Raul offered his most innocent expression, if he ever had one.

"I told you, he liked it."

"Raul, how are you so sure?"

"When they did it, I was there. I witnessed it."

"You were in the same room?"

"Yes. You don't share your girlfriend with some guy and leave them alone. Of course, you know nothing of these things, Esteban."

"And I'm not sure I want to know the details of this incident. Javier, maybe you shouldn't listen to this either."

"Why not? Because it's personal?" Javier asked.

"No. Because of the level of sexual deviancy involved," Esteban stated.

Javier found that funny. "Come on, Esteban, I've probably had more sex in my life than you."

Raul laughed at that for a few seconds. "Everybody we know has had more sex than Esteban. My poor brother is a virgin."

Esteban froze and Javier thought he should not have made that comment at all.

"I'm sorry, Esteban, I didn't mean to say it like that."

"It's okay. One is not supposed to be sexually active while being a celibate priest."

Javier went back to the sofa and kept his eyes on his interlaced fingers over his lap; he didn't want to risk glancing at Esteban's face, because his voice clearly announced how angry he was.

"Jesus! Raul, how could you do such a thing? What I don't understand is why Diego agreed?"

"Well, it's simple. He tried it, he liked it, and now, he wants to keep the girl with baby and all."

"No, that can't be true," argued Esteban.

"It is, and the problem is I shared my favorite girlfriend, the one I still like. And now she's pregnant and telling everybody it's Diego's baby."

"You messed up big this time," Esteban told him.

"It's probably my baby, not his. Esteban, I already have too many children, she's not having another."

"Are you telling me to my face that you want her to have an abortion?" Esteban asked Raul in astonishment.

"Esteban, the girl won't be a good mother, and I can't have more kids."

"It could also be Diego's baby, no wonder he's so mad at you, and he didn't want to talk with me thinking I was going to bring up this issue. Life is precious, Raul," Esteban said vehemently.

"Yes, easy to say when you're not paying child support plus alimony," Raul accused.

"Well, you should have thought before acting, you know."

Raul defended himself. "I did, I always use protection, that day was an exception."

"That day could end up being a disaster. Your penchant for young women is a disgrace, Raul."

"Much better than having it for men, don't you think?" Raul said snidely.

"What are you saying?"

Raul held his hands up as if to say, I give up. "You know what, Esteban, you shouldn't get involved in our problems. Diego and I will sort this one out."

There was a silence and Javier looked up, Esteban had walked away from Raul and stood in front of the panoramic windows for a few seconds before he turned around resolute, and told Javier, "Get your stuff, we're out of here."

Surprised, Javier stood, but before he could move, Raul walked up to where Esteban was and said, "I'm sorry for yelling at you, but this is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through, not even my divorce was this complicated."

"Why? Because you're going to be a father again? I see no complication there, besides, it could be the baby girl you've always wanted. Do you still want to kill her?"

"All right, I won't talk about abortion anymore," Raul conceded.

"Good. And you're going to find a way to work things out with Diego too."

"Ah, that doesn't depend on me, you know how he is."

"I'll talk with him, and you guys better come up with a good explanation why the both of you are having the same baby."

Raul shook his head. "That sounds wrong Esteban."

"Wrong is what Mom will say if she hears this story."

"Oh, no, you can't let Diego tell her until we know who the father is."

"Okay, but you better start apologizing to the baby's mother," Esteban informed him.

"I've never been good at that," Raul admitted, and Esteban smiled."Then it's never too late to learn."

"Fine, I'll send her some flowers with a card. Now, I better get ready, I'm going to be late."

Raul headed for the hall and from there he turned around and asked Esteban, "Can you do some coffee for me while I take a shower please?"

For a second Javier thought Esteban was going to refuse, but he walked to the kitchen. Javier followed him silently, and watched while Esteban looked around the room checking where things were.

"Javier, are you hungry? I'm going to cook some pasta."

"You know how to cook?"

"Yes, the essential stuff."

Javier wanted to tell him something, but wasn't sure if it was another wrong comment. After a while, Esteban looked back at him and asked, "What is it?"

"Esteban, I have a theory about why Diego got involved in that whole mess."

"You know why?" Esteban was curious.

"Well, not exactly why, but I think I know the reason he was able to perform with that girl."

"I'm listening." Esteban said encouragingly.

Javier lowered his voice.

"Because Raul was in the room, probably in the same bed?"

Esteban looked at him in astonishment. "Do you think?"

"Uh-huh," Javier affirmed.

"I can't believe what sex does to people, it's amazing how far some would go for pleasure." Esteban shook his head in amazement.

"Well, maybe you should try it so you can sympathize."

Again, Javier regretted talking, but there was something in Esteban that urged him to be daring. When Esteban ignored the comment and turned around to set the coffeemaker, Javier wished he were not HIV positive, so he could seduce him. He smiled at that thought, because he'd always been seduced. He'd never taken the initiative with anyone. Maybe with someone with limited experience he wouldn't mind.

"How virgin are you?" Javier boldly asked.

Esteban set the coffee can on the counter with extra strength and turned around. When Javier saw Esteban's mouth drop half open in shock, he decided not to back down, no matter what. There were so many things they could do without putting him at risk.

"What are you asking, Javier?"

Before he could answer, Raul entered the kitchen, and asked, "Esteban, did you call Mom?"

"No. I forgot, I'm calling her right now." Then Esteban squinted at Javier and shook his head before heading for the living room. Raul served himself coffee after offering Javier some, which he turned down.

Raul sipped a few times, and standing next to Javier whispered, "You like Esteban, right?"

"Yes, he has been very kind to me."

"Maybe you can return the favor. He will be back to the church in a few days if something dramatic doesn't happen," Raul confided.

"How do you know?"

"This is the third time he has tried to quit. The only thing that could prevent him from going back to his sanctity is a carnal sin that he wished to repeat often."

Javier faced him, ignoring how seductive he looked with his wet hair and wrapped in a bathrobe.

"And why are you telling me this?" Javier demanded.

Raul smiled and the way he looked him up and down confirmed his suspicion that poor Diego didn't stand a chance if this person was in seducing mode. Esteban had no idea of who his brother really was.

"My bedroom is the one across from yours, I have condoms in the nightstand drawer, and I won't be back until the morning. Make him sin, <i>badly</i>." He drawled the last words.

Openmouthed, Javier watched Raul walking away while the words carnal sin flashed in his mind in red neon lights.

****

After Raul left, Esteban and Javier had dinner in an enervating silence. Later on, Esteban refused his help to clean the kitchen and suggested Javier take some time for himself because he also needed a break. Javier found the room Raul assigned to him really nice, and in that moment, a real shelter.

Feeling like a kid sent to his room, Javier wondered if following Esteban around was right, maybe he was imposing, but he didn't want to go back to his parents, and he liked being with Esteban. There were so many things he wanted to talk with him about. In that moment, he recalled Esteban's expression looking at the picture of the kids, it had been tender, but it changed when Raul asked if he wanted his own. So, Esteban didn't want any kids, or didn't plan to father any.

Did this confirm that he was gay? He didn't give away any signs at all, and Javier always prided himself on having a great gay-radar. Who knows? He might be getting old or out of practice.

He grimaced, he would be lucky if he reached an older age. Unless Esteban kicked him out, he would stay by him as long as he could. Javier couldn't afford to waste any chance of any kind, and this man was something he didn't want to miss. Even if Esteban left the church, Javier knew that didn't mean he was anxious to have sex with the first person who proposed it.

Shaking his head he tried to convince himself that the attraction for Esteban was not erotic, it was simply his need to feel protected and accepted, and Esteban radiated security for him.

He remembered Raul's words. If he said such things then he knew what his brother preferred, right?

The knock on the door startled him, and he opened it with trembling hands, finding Esteban outside, dressed in buttoned-down pajamas with a pair of rimless eyeglasses hanging on his nose.

The man had a doctorate on un-sexy-ness, but who cared if he was dressed for Halloween, Javier's goal was undressing him. Yes, scratch any regretful thoughts, he was game.

"I'm checking to be sure you're okay."

"I'm okay."

"Good, I'll be sleeping at the end of the hall, don't hesitate to call me if you need anything."

"Sure, I will, thanks."

"Good night."

He took a few steps before turning and saying, "I'm sorry, if I was rude earlier, but I'm not used to being with anybody for so many hours."

"It's fine, no offense here. You smell good, which cologne is it?"

He lifted a brow and adjusted his eyeglasses. "Aramis Classic."

"Oh, nice. Well, I'm taking a shower too, before going to bed."

"We are going to Hoboken tomorrow afternoon for sure. Feel free to sleep late if you like that."

Translation, stay out of my way. Yeah, right. In your dreams, thought Javier. Aloud he said, "Thanks, I love to sleep late in the mornings."

This time Esteban walked down the hall until he disappeared. Javier closed the door and leaned into it.

No way, he would never be laid again; he didn't have the courage to seduce anybody.

By the time he got out of the shower, he decided to try; he played with the idea of showing up only with a towel and some silly excuse, but discarded it for being too blunt. In the end, he did something even blunter.

After dressing up with a T-shirt and shorts, he knocked on the door where Esteban slept. As soon as said door opened, he scurried into the room without being invited and stood in the middle of it. Esteban had not gone to sleep yet, and without closing the door simply observed him as if trying to understand the motivation of Javier's behavior. The green eyes behind the pair of rimless eyeglasses were wise and tender.

"What is it now, Javier?"

Javier walked to the door and closed it. Even knowing they were alone, he wanted to make sure the intimate atmosphere was complete. This time Esteban scowled. "What are you doing?"

"You said that if I needed anything I could come here and ask."

"Yes, but..."

Javier stepped into his space, so close he could feel his breath. "I need a hug, a simple hug, please."

"I don't think this is a good idea."

"Why not? You're bigger than me, why are you so afraid?"

"I'm not afraid of you, but me. You're used to a different lifestyle, and I've always lived following tradition."

"Break with it."

"I'm a lonely man; despite my family, I'm essentially alone. Somehow, I'm used to that, but if I share my time with you, and you leave me, it will be devastating for me. So, it's better if we don't play these games."

"Why should I leave you?"

"Because you're young, and I'm not. If I had been a promiscuous teenager, I could have been old enough to be your father."

"Nonsense. My dad is in his sixties. Besides, Mauricio was about your age."

Impressed, Esteban rasped. "I'm not Mauricio. If you're seeking a substitute for him, you're in the wrong place."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that."

Javier felt Esteban's hand lifting to his chin, the eyes behind the glasses searching his. "Listen, right now, we're a big mess, the both of us, and somehow our present stage is related to Mauricio's death."

That last statement got all his attention, what was Esteban talking about?

"Very few people knew this, but I was in love with Mauricio for many years, and he loved me too."

"What exactly did happen between the two of you?"

For a moment, he thought Esteban would refuse to tell him, but letting go of his face, he sat on the bed while explaining. "I wish I could say that we had the most passionate romance ever. Sadly, it was the romance that never was. Mauricio and I loved one another in a sweet way, and stayed in touch until his death. That is it."

"Do you really expect me to believe that it was only platonic? Come on, Esteban, I was married to the man, I know very well how little patience he had for sweet and tender love."

By the way Esteban looked back and forth between his hands and Javier, it was obvious he considered his next words.

"Your relationship with him was real, while mine was a fantasy of sorts. We probably kissed a couple of times, but that was it, because I tried not to touch him to avoid temptation."

"Oh, God Esteban, I know you are telling the truth, but it's so hard to understand why you held back your passion so much." When Esteban fixed his gaze ahead, Javier added. "I'm sorry I forgot the whole celibate vows thing."

Javier sat next to him and perceived how Esteban started and froze, but remained in his place, before saying, "We found out that we were in love shortly after joining the seminary, and we were supposed to be chaste."

All Javier could do was to open his eyes in awe. "Mauricio wanted to be a priest?"

The question brought a timid smile to Esteban's mouth. "Mauricio's vocation was more for me than for the church, so when he couldn't take it anymore he left, but I became a celibate priest."

"Why didn't you guys leave together?"

"Because I'm a coward, yes, that was why." He paused and breathed before admitting. "I feared my family, the church, my friends, everything. I loved him in silence and from the biggest distance I could put between us. Though I never knew what I lost until he married you."

Javier studied his expression, but Esteban kept looking ahead. "You must have hated me."

"No. How could I? I said that I loved him, and when you love someone you want that person to be happy."

"I guess so."

"Well, he was happy thanks to you. I won't deny I felt jealous, but it was only for a short period of time. I sublimated my feelings for him into the real friendship that should have always been. At the time of his death, I was at peace."

"So why are you a mess now?"

"Javier, I'm still a coward."

"Don't you crave someone's touch?"

"There was a time I did, but I learned to live without it."

He stood and walked to the door, Javier imagined he would leave him there in any moment.

"Hey, this is your room don't go please. I don't want to disturb you, but I got confused." Javier paused because they reached the door and Esteban turned around facing him, a few inches taller than his own six feet, Javier had to raise his head to look him in the eyes, but instead he focused his gaze on Esteban's full mouth.

Javier stepped forward, Esteban circled him going back to the bed, and Javier followed him. "Esteban, there is something between us that isn't about friendship, and I perceived it as soon as I met you."

"I agree, that's why I think it's dangerous for us to be alone. Please go back to your room."

In that moment, Javier noticed the briefcase with the letters over the nightstand next to bed. Apparently, Esteban had been reading his own letters.

"You miss him too?" Esteban followed his sight to the briefcase before answering.

"Of course, he was the love of my life." His voice broke off at the end.

"Oh, Esteban, I'm so sorry, I came here to..." Javier trailed off because he came to this room to seduce him, and they were talking about their mutual lost love. Javier felt ashamed of what he tried to do and Esteban told him, "I know why you came here, and I understand. I've never been a sexual person, but I know there are people who only can relate to another through sex."

He gently pulled Javier until he sat next to him on the bed.

"Mauricio was like that too. I loved him, and somehow he loved me too, but you were the love of his life."

"Really? When you told me what happened between the two of you, I thought that you were the one he loved the most."

"Before he met you, he used to tell me all the details of his affairs, which were so many I lost track eventually, and some I rather didn't know about. I lived vicariously through him. Somehow he experienced the world while I stayed in my little cocoon."

"That's something I would have never guessed."

Javier couldn't find anything else to say, so he waited for Esteban to continue.

"It took me months after he died to guess it myself, we had a symbiotic relationship. I comforted him and supported him, while he entertained me with his anecdotes of a life I would never enjoy. When he met you, something changed. He no longer wanted to share his intimacy with me, which hurt me, but at the same time, relieved me. Today, I'm glad he didn't."

After saying those words he picked a book that was next to the briefcase and pulled a letter he handed to Javier. "This is the letter he sent me after he met you. We continued writing to each other, but less frequently."

When Javier hesitated to read it, Esteban took the envelope and pulled the letter from inside, giving it again to him.

"Go ahead, read this part, it's all right."

Javier recognized Mauricio's handwriting, and read aloud the paragraph Esteban pointed out.

"My beloved friend, you helped me to make this life easygoing while being my faithful confidant, but I've fallen in love as deeply as I've never told you before. Please forgive me because in the future I won't be sharing the intimate details of my love life with you."

The written words affected Javier in an unexpected manner.

"See? You were the one he loved the most."

Esteban's words were simply stating what he thought true, no resentment, only pain. Javier tried to hold the tears, but ended up giving up, he really hadn't had the chance to cry for Mauricio with someone who understood his loss. Despite that, in the instant Esteban took him into his arms, Javier changed pain for hope.

The hope of one day being sheltered by Esteban's love, which he anticipated capable of erasing the suffering clung to his exhausted young flesh. Esteban's reserved demeanor contrasted with the heat his strong hands delivered every time they roamed over his back while trying to calm him down. The gesture was comforting, but enticing as well.

Esteban didn't know what to do, he had comforted others in the past, but someone like Javier never. He could see how the younger man trembled, how he looked about to break down, and remembered what Diego said. If Javier got depressed, his immune system might be affected. Also what Mauricio wrote to him, and darn, Esteban wanted to hold him in his arms. Period.

He knew that the lingering memories of Mauricio was enough to keep them from getting intimate, at least for tonight.

Esteban knew that if he continued spending time with Javier something would happen sooner or later. He didn't need to wait for the Pope to dispense his celibate promise, which was the protocol, but in his case it might never come, because it was only granted if a former priest needed to marry, and the kind of union he had in mind wasn't acknowledged by the Vatican.

Besides, there was nothing bad in holding someone who needed comfort, except Esteban needed the embrace more than Javier. He finally had raised both arms and held him. Javier felt warm, strong yet vulnerable when he murmured.

"I'm sorry, I'm acting like a drama queen."

"It's okay. I know how bad you feel, and you must be tired, it has been a long day."

Both ended laying over the bed, Javier leaning on him, and Esteban decided for one night he could be close to someone without regretting it; although, later when Javier muttered against his chest, "It feels so good in your arms that I want to stay in here forever."

Esteban wondered if this weakness would eventually have a higher price, and thought of leaving Javier sleeping there alone, but couldn't move. Because seeing him there with him, was a reflection of what could be his life. If Javier felt good between his arms, Esteban found his reason to live holding him.

Chapter 6

When they arrived at Hoboken, Raul drove off as soon as they got out of the car. Somehow, Javier was glad, because Esteban and he had fallen asleep in the same bed, and although nothing happened, he'd lost his heart again and didn't feel like sharing the news with anybody. Especially not with Raul, who had mistaken the bed sharing for something else, and given Javier a thumbs up behind Esteban's back. How did one explain to Mr. Lust the possibility of sleeping with someone without fucking the person mindlessly?

Now, he found himself standing next to Esteban in front of a big stone townhouse. Like most houses on that street, it had a staircase leading from the sidewalk to the door, which opened in a small foyer that led to another staircase. A door next to the interior staircase opened and Diego walked through it.

His brother-in-law had the most warming smile he'd ever seen in anyone, and Javier was grateful for the fact that he didn't look at all like Mauricio. They had different fathers, so while Mauricio was tall and light skinned, Diego at about five feet tall plus some inches, barely reached Javier's shoulder. He hugged him closely, and Javier welcomed the embrace. He needed that warm body offering comfort without sexual expectancies from either party. Diego felt skinnier than he remembered him, and he had dark circles under his eyes, which were obvious despite his olive skin.

"It's so nice to see you, Javier."

His voice was soft-spoken, but full of energy.

"Yes, I'm glad to be here too."

"How are you doing?"

"Much better."

They separated and Diego looked him up and down as if doing his own evaluation. His black eyes were wise beyond his age, and his shoulder length dark hair started to show some gray. In that moment, Javier realized that he had the same nose as Mauricio, fine, but aquiline.

Dressed in a beige turtleneck and jeans, he looked younger than the forty-something Javier knew he was. He held him once more before letting him free—Diego's complete persona was beautiful, inside and out.

"Let's go in; I prepared that gingerbread you like so much."

In that moment, Esteban asked Diego for the key to his place. "As usual, I forgot mine."

Diego searched the multitude of keys with colored labels hanging from his belt, picked one and handed it to Esteban. To Javier he said, "Come with me, let me show you where you will be staying."

Esteban had climbed a few steps before turning around and saying, "Javier, this is the best place for you right now, trust me. Diego is a better friend than me. See you around."

He went upstairs leaving Javier disturbed. That was it. He'd handed him to someone else and left. Not that Javier knew him better than Diego. Good, if he didn't want him around, so be it.

While drinking coffee and eating gingerbread, Javier met some of the other residents of the house. There were two young women living with Diego on the first floor. In addition, on the second floor, two other older women with what Javier counted as seven children. Diego explained to Javier that the Hidalgo Foundation had a shelter for the homeless, but that sometimes if the place was full, he brought home some families until they could find a permanent home.

One of the young women got close to Diego, and interlacing her hand with his, leaned against Diego's side, while looking inquisitively at Javier.

"This is my girlfriend, Carly. Honey, this is Javier. Remember? I told you about him."

She rubbed herself some more against Diego, while saying, "Hi."

Javier had seen that look before, it could be translated as 'what a waste you're gay'.

In the next hour, her hold on Diego increased, and Javier wondered if Raul got it all wrong. It was Carly keeping Diego, not the other way around.

Diego seemed so delighted with his presence, he asked Javier to move in with him permanently. He would have his own room, small, but private. When Javier asked how much rent he would have to pay, Diego explained, "Nothing. You can contribute some cash for the utilities, and bring food for everyone if you want, but there is no rent to pay."

"None? How come?"

"Well, the house is paid in full. Well, there are the taxes, and other stuff, but there is a fund for that too."

When Javier continued looking at him without understanding, Diego elaborated some more, "This house was Esteban's great grandmothers' home. She wanted to leave it to him, but because of his priesthood, anything he inherited would become the church's property. She willed it to me, but it's his home. Anyway, I've lived here most of my life too."

These were interesting anecdotes. Diego told him many more, which expanded Javier's understanding of the relationship of the Alvarez brothers and the Hidalgo family. Diego's mom had rented the second floor of that same house when she was pregnant with Mauricio. She'd been abandoned by Diego's father because she got pregnant by someone else, who deserted her too.

"Don't get me wrong, she is a great woman. When I was growing up, she kept two jobs to support us."

Javier listened to Diego's account of their childhood, which had been easier, thanks to the support the Hidalgo family provided. Doña Vibi had always made sure they got enough to eat.

"Food is essential to that family. That's the thing I remember the most, there was always so much food around."

Diego had added with a wide smile, while he gave Javier a tour of the town. The Hidalgo family owned many properties in the four towns of the waterfront, mostly in Hoboken and Jersey City, including some businesses.

Diego explained that the main business they had was importing goods from Spain: wine, olive oil, Spanish confectionery, etc. For decades, they had a chain of restaurants, but the recession had affected them, so only one Hidalgo Spanish Italian restaurant remained in Hoboken.

"The others," Diego had paused before saying, "That evil creature turned them into strip clubs, or gentlemen clubs as they are called today."

The evil creature was Raul, whose name Diego rarely pronounced, he was always referred to using some bad appellative. When Diego and Carly left to go shopping for the baby, Javier went upstairs and knocked on Esteban's door.

As soon as Esteban opened it he said, "I'm on my way out."

"Are you dismissing me?"

"No, it's the truth, I'm going to my parent's house. I must explain my decision to a few members of my family. After that, I have a few choices of places I can work as a teacher, all around the country."

"I didn't know you were also a teacher."

"Well, I'm a Jesuit... I guess I've never stopped being one. Besides my law degree, I have a doctorate in theology, I can teach in any college or university." He shrugged. "It's a matter of checking which of my friends who left the priesthood before me are now working at universities, and could hire me or recommend me."

"If you leave Hoboken, please take me with you."

Esteban's gaze slid away from Javier as he explained.

"Javier, you have to stay with Diego in the meantime, otherwise everybody is going to think I left the church for you, and that is not true."

"I don't care if they think that."

Esteban's gaze returned to meet Javier's eyes while he pressed his lips together.

"But I do."

Sighing Javier agreed.

"Okay. I'll stay with Diego, he asked me to move in with him before, but I didn't want to bother him."

"It's okay, he'll be pleased to have you around."

Javier held his hand. "After your family gets used to the idea that you're no longer a priest, can we live together?"

Esteban looked back at him in silence and Javier continued.

"Esteban, I'm tired of being this sad because I'm alone. You're the only person I can relate to, not even Diego makes me feel as at ease as you do. I want to have someone to live for, to fight for, please Esteban."

Suddenly, Javier remembered his status, and let go of Esteban's hand.

"Oh, God. I forgot the whole HIV thing. I'm sorry, the idea of not seeing you got me crazy, I can't move in with you."

This time Javier got Esteban's attention for sure.

"Javier, being honest, I don't know if sex is in our future, even if we live together. I'm not sure how I will ever see sex as something normal after so many years of abstinence."

Javier smiled and declared enthusiastically.

"That makes you my perfect partner."

"I don't know, Javier. This is unexpected for me, and I'm used to planning my life to the smallest detail."

Javier sulked, and said, "It's because of the virus, right?"

Esteban surprised him when he leaned forward and hugged him, pressing his cheek to Javier's face, but keeping their lower bodies separated.

"Listen, Javier, if we ever do it, there is safe sex is for this type of case, right?"

"Yes, there is, but there is always a risk, and I would never date anyone who is HIV negative. I'm sorry for being this bold, when I know this might be so awkward to you."

Esteban shook his head. "Your HIV status is the least of my worries, I can live with that."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I need time to think about if I want to share my life with you, that's all. If I decide to give us a chance, I won't be a coward again, it won't be easy, but I'm willing to give it a try."

This time Javier wasn't so sure anymore. "But the risk..."

"I'll take the chance if I think we could have a future together."

"And if you don't?"

"I'll leave you alone to find someone who can make you happy."

Feeling Esteban's warm body so close, Javier muttered. "Perhaps, I'm not worthy of you."

Esteban broke the embrace, and looking him in the eyes, cupped Javier's face in his hand while stroking his skin with the thumb from the same hand.

"You are so worthy for me that I want the best for you, and I don't think I'm the best you can get. You're still young, and you can do better."

Then slowly he leaned forward and tentatively pressed his lips over Javier's mouth. The tender kiss lasted only seconds, and without another word, Esteban walked away and went down stairs.

Esteban kissed him!

Javier stayed in the same spot long after Esteban was gone. That was all he could think of, and he hadn't reacted in time. If he ever got that close to him again, Javier wasn't going to let it go so easy.

### Chapter 7

During the following weeks, it seemed as if Esteban had given up on him. He'd stayed mostly at his parent's house, and when he came around, they were never alone. More than once, Javier caught Esteban watching him when he thought nobody noticed and it wasn't Javier's imagination, there was a longing in Esteban's gaze that contradicted his actions, as if he said with his eyes what his mouth held back.

The press problem was solved after Esteban let them follow him around on a couple of occasions. Javier had watched on the local news how the reporter complained of Esteban's stoicism; nothing she had said seemed to impress the former priest. Diego had laughed at her astounded expression as the TV crew followed Esteban, who ignored them and walked as if they were ghosts he couldn't perceive.

The last time she covered him, she practically closed the case saying that his quitting the church probably had been a coincidence, and that she would be covering the trial, which was the real news.

Javier reflected on the news against his own situation with Esteban as a real impossibility. The man had a will of steel and few things really touched him. He considered himself lucky because he'd witnessed a weakness nobody else had.

The following week Javier started working with Diego at the Hidalgo's Foundation, where Esteban was in charge of the legal department. A job he had done part time, but now was his only one. Javier wondered if he would stay around or travel like he said he wanted to do.

Little by little, Javier had started to know the Hidalgo family. Some were nicer than others, but all had welcomed him.

One day Diego told him, "Javier, listen, I'm trying to help here, but you must let me help you."

"I'm okay. I don't know why you are so concerned."

"Because it has been more than a year since my brother died, and you're still mourning like it was yesterday."

"Diego, I loved Mauricio."

Javier wanted to be honest and confess he was sad for someone else's absence, but didn't feel like speaking about Esteban yet.

Diego frowned, and Javier worried that he offended his brother-in-law. His next words kind of confirmed that.

"He was my only brother, and I miss him too. You have no idea how many times I reached for my phone to call him during those first days. I knew he was dead, but a part of me refused to admit it, and continued thinking of things I wanted to share."

"I'm sorry, Diego."

"No, don't be. What I want is you to be active, really interested in doing things. Don't you think it is time for you to play again?"

"Am I becoming a burden for you?"

"No. Javier it's not about me, it's you; this was exactly what Mauricio feared would happen with you, that you would become depressed and waste your life away."

"If you want I can move out, I'll find another place."

"No, please stay. You are a big help with the foundation, and the kids love you. Besides, I need your company."

"We need each other."

That was true, because Carly had gone back to school, which was great for her future as Diego told Javier, but she usually came home only at dinner time. At first, Javier had been glad, because Carly seemed openly jealous of him. it took weeks for her to accept that Javier wasn't going to take Diego away.

The future mother simply didn't like anybody getting close to Diego, she left the room every time Esteban came around, which Diego justified by saying it was because Esteban reminded her of Raul. Esteban attributed her unfriendly attitude to her pregnancy and didn't get offended.

The baby issue had been solved for the time being. Raul had sent Carly a big basket of flowers and an "I'm sorry" note. She had melted while Diego almost had a heart attack. Javier had learned that Raul's favorite name for Diego had been for years, Esteban's whore. Which now he knew wasn't true, but he wondered how many thought otherwise.

When Raul showed up, he had a proposal for the couple. Javier had been there and as soon as Raul said he wanted to speak to Carly and Diego, he headed for the door, but Raul stopped him.

"Javier, please stay, because I need a witness."

"A witness? Why?"

Javier didn't understand what exactly he wanted from him, so Raul explained.

"I had violent fights with Diego in the past, but I've never been violent with a woman. I don't want these two saying otherwise with only their word as evidence."

Diego winced and gestured at Raul while saying, "And you came in peace? This is ridiculous."

Raul replied with a calm attitude. "You were the one who told Esteban about getting a restraining order against me."

Diego shook his head. "I don't think it's prudent to involve Javier in our business."

Raul pointed at Javier. "He already knows the details of what happened."

Javier looked at Diego, who inquired amazed. "You knew?"

"Yes, I was there when Raul told Esteban. Do you want me to stay as a witness?"

"I have no problem," Diego walked to Carly and changing his tone to a tender one, asked, "What about you, Carly?"

She shrugged and pursed her lips. "Whatever."

Javier wondered what these men could find in her, she wasn't a pretty girl, the only thing she had was her youth, which in his opinion wasn't a quality. Regardless of her pregnancy, she stayed thin as a model, and even if he didn't find women attractive, he knew when someone had a nice body. She didn't. Her breasts were tiny, and his own ass probably looked better.

Javier shook his head. He usually didn't think like that about people, his thoughts were a reflection of her attitude. He sat on a couch and listened to their arguments without paying attention until Carly exclaimed, "Two daddies! That's perfect, because I have two and it has been great, I've always gotten more presents than other kids."

Jesus! What had Raul offered? Javier paid attention this time as Diego was speaking.

"Raul, are you sure?" Cool, he said his name. Javier was amazed by the second, but Raul wasn't.

It was the first time Javier witnessed them exchanging anything other than insults. So he listened when Raul answered, "Yes, if you are. Think about it, you will be the legal father, no matter if I'm the biological, and I will give you a sum every month to help with the baby's support, voluntary, of course."

Diego observed him suspiciously.

"That sounds too good to be true."

Raul seemed to be losing the patience he showed until then.

"Ask Esteban if there is a way I can commit without going to court, since you will never take my word for real."

Then Carly spoke for the first time, standing next to Raul and stroking his arm absentmindedly.

"I believe you, Raul."

Carly was clinging to him and Javier wondered if he should leave before they engaged in another threesome. Surprisingly, Raul seemed to be cold toward her, not rude, simply distant. Slowly, as if he didn't want to upset her, he removed her delicate hand from his arm and said staring at Diego, "I won't deceive you about this. If you assumed the baby's paternity, I will provide anything financial."

Diego pulled Carly to his side and hugging her said, "Sure, I will be the baby's father, but I have a question."

Raul narrowed his eyes before inviting him. "Go ahead."

"Will you be part of the baby's life?"

Apparently, the other expected another question, because he said, "I don't know yet."

Diego insisted. "I need to know."

While he talked Diego held Carly from behind and she leaned against him, they both were about the same height, so her head could easily rest on Diego's right shoulder. They looked good together, and when he caressed her belly and nudged her nape, Javier thought he knew what they found in one another. Comfort.

Raul pressed his full lips together and stared at them, before explaining.

"Well, I have four boys, if he is a boy, you might want him to meet and play with his brothers, if the baby is a girl, I still want them to meet her, just in case, so they know who their sister is."

As soon as Raul gave his response, he started walking toward the door as if he couldn't wait to escape. Diego followed him.

"What about you, Raul?"

He whirled from the very door and said, "Listen, Diego, you wanted a child, right? Yes, I know, you did. Now you got it thanks to me and I'll never take it away from you. So, stop pushing me, we cross that bridge when we get there."

"If you don't burn it first."

Raul scowled and left without looking back.

Javier didn't know what to think about the whole drama, but Carly was extra happy for some reason only she knew, while Diego seemed worried. Javier patted him on the shoulder before going to his room. "Everything will be all right, and if Raul doesn't behave, Esteban will make sure he does."

It had been then when Diego suggested Javier perform his music for the Hidalgo family, in particular, Doña Elvira, who as a benefactor for a few symphony orchestras in the Tri-state area, could recommend him as an orchestral musician, even if Javier only wanted the position part time. The woman was also Esteban's father's mother, and the bane of Doña Vibi's existence. The mother-in-law from hell, as Esteban's mother declared constantly.

"You're talented, I can't let that talent go to waste," had been Diego's motto until Javier accepted to do a mini concerto for the family. For Javier, knowing Esteban was going to attend was his only real motivation. Diego and he put together two musical pieces from the Baroque period. Diego played the oboe while Javier performed his violin.

Diego had said that Doña Elvira was like a queen, indeed, her family was part of the Spanish aristocracy. She came to America as one of those Spanish brides the Hidalgos imported. The house was pretty, and she sat on a high chair with all the dignity of a lady. All the members of the family Javier knew were there, and some new faces he hadn't seen before. Apparently, every Sunday after church the huge family met at the matriarchal home.

Doña Vibi sat next to Sergio and smiled at Javier, her presence was a welcoming one.

Together with Doña Camila, Esteban's aunt, Doña Vibi had been the friendliest person he met so far. And the only woman in that room dressed in bright colors, all the others wore black, gray or white. Diego explained that since the family was so big, they were always mourning for someone, so the older women never wore colored dresses.

He noticed Esteban taking a seat next to his aunt and smiled briefly at him. He seemed nervous and Javier didn't blame him, there was something in Doña Elvira that would intimidate anybody. Javier thanked his ruthless upbringing, because she didn't scare him at all. His father trained him to interact with the rich and powerful without hesitation.

Diego had mentioned that if he got on her good side, he didn't need to worry about the rest of the family, she would protect him. She had done it with him. And the woman confirmed it herself when she told Camila before the concert started, "With Diego I always knew what to expect, he never wore any disguise. So, I never had any false expectation with him, and he never deceived me."

Javier knew that she was targeting Esteban, who remained calm as if she wasn't referring to him. And that was only for leaving the Church, what if she ever learned about Esteban's homosexuality; Javier rather didn't imagine that. He knew of people who accepted gays as long as they didn't belong to their own family. As weird as it sounded, he had the hunch this was the case in the Hidalgo family. They had their own version of "Don't Ask Don't Tell".

Javier and Diego finished playing their small concerto, and the lady of the house asked Javier to improvise something by himself. He interpreted Albinoni's adagio and everybody but Doña Elvira applauded. Since she didn't, the others stopped at once. She spoke, looking at Javier with those inquisitive dark eyes.

"That's all your repertoire?"

"No, ma'am, I had more pieces similar to this one."

"Do you have anything more classic?"

Before Javier could answer, Esteban intervened, "Grandma, I think that's enough."

She looked at Esteban silently and ignored his comment, going back to Javier.

"Is there anything else you can interpret for me?"

Javier knew she was pushing him, but that was nothing compared to what Luis Lozano, his father, had done all his life.

So he delivered. "Yes, there is a piece I've been practicing in case I have to audition. Please allow me to perform it for you."

She simply waved her hand, and he refused to look at Esteban, because he needed all his concentration for this one.

It was one of the most difficult concerts for a violinist to perform, and he had worked very hard on it, but it wasn't perfect yet. His hand trembled a little when he positioned the bow, but once he started to play, he closed his eyes and forgot anything except the music.

Tchaikovsky violin concerto meant so much to Javier. It had been written by Tchaikovsky with the collaboration of his lover, Iosif Kotek, a violinist, who because of the time they lived, refused to accept Tchaikovsky's dedication of the concerto, or to play it in public. The concerto would be the only one Tchaikovsky wrote for violin. And Javier considered it an example of something magnificent inspired by forbidden love, and created by two men that had to hide their feelings.

Javier chose the allegro moderato because he could play it without reading the music, and it usually impressed anybody who listened to it. He played for about four minutes, and since he only knew the part of the concertmaster, he stopped right where the orchestra would have joined him.

After he stopped, there was a deep silence in the room. He opened his eyes and found Esteban staring at him in awe, as the rest of the members of the family, including Doña Elvira broke the silence applauding.

Javier briefly bowed from his seat, and after the room became silent again, Doña Elvira told Javier, "You're a virtuoso, Javier Lozano."

She extended her hand and Javier wasn't sure if he should kiss it or shake it, so he simply grasped it and briefly shook it. She smiled for the first time and said, "Welcome to our family."

After that, all the other women were all over her, and Diego pulled Javier to the side.

"You did it! That was amazing. You're in."

"What?"

"You're part of the family. Ask for anything, and they will help you get it."

Well, the only thing he really wanted from the Hidalgos probably wasn't for the taking, and it had a name, Esteban Hidalgo, who remained away from him to Javier's dismay. The game of hiding wasn't for him, he understood that if these people knew what he felt for Esteban or what Esteban could feel for him, they would despise him, but hiding his feelings was something he didn't like doing.

The next afternoon Esteban sent Javier a text message, asking him to meet him at his place after work. When Javier came back from the foundation, he kept going upstairs.

"I'm so glad to see you alone again."

Javier couldn't hide his excitement while Esteban's expression was stern and controlled as usual. Javier didn't care, he placed both hands around Esteban's neck while his warm lips were feathering kisses over his mouth. Unexpectedly Esteban pulled him against his body, and started meeting him kiss for kiss, until Javier decided that it was time to deepen the caress.

The tip of his tongue taunted the seam of Esteban's lips, until he parted them, letting him explore his mouth. It took only a brief stroking to get Esteban's tongue engaged with his. Well, Esteban knew how to kiss, what else could he possibly know; Javier couldn't wait to find out.

His hand and hips were joining the passionate encounter as he pulled the front of Esteban's shirt out of his pants, putting his hand under it and feeling the firm abdominal muscles. Great. He had nice abs, firm without the bulking of a workout maniac. Javier slipped his hand beyond Esteban's bellybutton encountering a dusting of hair under his fingers, and held his breath anticipating what he was about to touch, but the only thing he felt, was Esteban's hand firmly stopping him.

Javier broke the kiss to look Esteban straight in the eyes.

"Why? Is because of the HIV?"

"No. It's better if we stop this here and now. No more sexual references Javier, and no more kisses."

"Why do you want to stop now? Are you trying to play hard to get?"

"Of course not! Forget the attraction between us. It only exists in your mind."

"And this is my imagination too?"

Javier pointed his index to Esteban's obvious hard bulge between his legs. Esteban shifted the weight between his feet, as if with it he could get the hard-on to go away.

"Javier, there is no point denying it, because you already guessed it."

"Your lack of experience? There is always a first time for everyone!"

Esteban held Javier's gaze when he said. "That's the problem. I've been thinking as I told you, what to do about us. I want that experience to be unique, with someone special, someone I really love. Not some casual liaison."

Javier blurted with the frustration he felt, "I don't intend some casual liaison. If you make love with me, I promise I'll do my best to make it special."

Again with a stern voice, Esteban told him, "I don't want to get involved with someone as young as you. I think you should find love with someone closer to your age. That's what I wanted to tell you, Javier. Don't wait for me in case you've been doing that."

Javier was able to hold his gaze afterward for only a few seconds. This could not be happening to him. He'd never felt this way. Never. A simple touch could send him to heaven, and when it was gone, he plummetted to hell.

****

Esteban witnessed how Javier's eyes were bright, as if Javier were teary eyed, but he couldn't confirm it, because Javier turned around.

Too late, Esteban realized how hard those words had been on Javier. Even to him they had been hard to say. He got close to him and tried to put a hand on his shoulder, Javier shook it off almost violently. Still without looking back, he said with a broken voice.

"No! I've had enough of your merciful touches. I guess it should have been hard for you to kiss a HIV positive person. Stupid me!"

Esteban didn't expect Javier's pain would hurt him too, but it did.

"Javier, this has nothing to do with you being HIV positive, it's because of the differences between us. You're a talented musician that one day will be traveling the world with your music. You're too young to be involved in a relationship with someone like me, someone who right now can't offer you anything."

"How could I ever think you would feel the same for me? Diego is so right. I guess he knows you really well!"

"Did you talk with Diego about us?"

"There is not an 'us'. This is a misunderstanding which only exists in my mind, correct?"

"Javier, are you crying?"

"Of course not, I don't cry, and I'm not going to begin now."

"What did Diego say to you?"

"Diego said that you would never accept a relationship with me, and that you would hide me more than Mauricio did. He also thinks that the age difference is important, and that you wouldn't take me seriously."

Esteban shook his head, and regardless of Javier's struggles, put his hands on his shoulders. Javier stopped struggling, and allowed Esteban hands on him, while staring at the skies in the window in front of them, without seeing anything.

"Javier, I didn't explain myself properly. The reason I wanted to talk with you today, is because I've been thinking about our situation carefully, and deciding what to tell you has not been easy."

He paused, and Javier didn't move, so Esteban continued. "I can't be the lover you want, but we could be friends."

Javier chuckled. "Friends? I have too many already. Besides, I can't be your friend. Why is it so hard to understand what I want from you?"

"Javier, I do enjoy talking with you. And since we must continue seeing each other because of the foundation, it's better if we are friends."

Javier stiffened. "That wouldn't be necessary, I've been offered a position with the Philadelphia's Center City Orchestra, and I'm taking it."

Suddenly, Esteban knew he didn't want to really let him go.

"Please don't go unless you really want it. Your presence it not a problem for me, like I said, I want your friendship."

This time Javier turned around and shouted, "And I want your love!"

He had been crying. Esteban was surprised to confirm the tears still rolling down Javier's sad face. He looked so vulnerable, and precious, that without thinking Esteban raised a hand to wipe away some tears. When Javier felt the contact, he withdrew like it burned.

"You know what, Esteban. Even if you don't love me, I want you to fuck me, yes, that's what I want the most from you."

After a few seconds of staring at Javier's heaving figure, Esteban remarked. "I'm sorry, Javier, but friendship is all you can have from me."

Javier went to full sarcastic mode. "Would you like us to exchange little romantic letters too? Another twenty years of those?"

Esteban couldn't believe he was going there, so he simply answered, "No, times have changed."

"Great. Maybe we can e-mail one another, or even better, we can send texts to each other. Safe enough, Esteban?"

When Esteban's mouth became a thin line and he didn't say anything. Javier kept going.

"Before you told me, 'I'm not Mauricio'. Guess what? I'm not Mauricio either!"

Esteban felt the rage slowly replacing the passion that had overwhelmed him before.

"I would appreciate if you never mock the correspondence I exchanged with Mauricio. Because you have no idea of how important those letters were for me."

"I guess the illusion of having an affair with Mauricio helped you to stay celibate, right."

"That's none of your business." Esteban nearly growled and Javier looked at him provocatively.

"I'm tired of being your favorite charity. I'm leaving now, and if you ever call me back, you know what I want."

Esteban muttered. "I'm sorry Javier. This was doomed from the beginning."

Esteban watched him as he left, hating himself for not accepting Javier's love, when for the first time, he had found someone he really was intrigued with. Someone he would do anything to discover, and explore in a very intimate way. Will he lose him to a younger love like he lost Mauricio to Javier? Irony of ironies, he was walking the same path once again, but for some reason, this time it hurt more, and the attraction was irresistible.

He truly had thought about a possible future with Javier, but due to their current situation it was cruel to tie the young man to him. Especially after witnessing how talented Javier was, even if it caused him pain, he had to set him free.

The sensation of Javier's lips on his lasted days, and Esteban couldn't stop thinking about Javier. Especially during the nights, he'd felt his presence. He quivered all over, and he opened his eyes. This had never happened to him before. What was this strange feeling that moved every inch of him until settling on his groin? He was hard, and he hated to be aroused. For years he'd accepted the church's idea of self-pleasuring as being a form of self-abuse. If one did it willingly, it was considered a mortal sin. In the past, he resisted doing anything about it unless he could not control it anymore. Tonight, he didn't have a choice, unless he wanted to call Javier back. No, that was not an option either.

He lifted his hips from the bed and pulled down his pajama pants until his cock throbbed and bobbed free. He gasped, spreading the warm wetness of pre-come leaking from the slit and stroked the length of it frantically until he settled for a quick rhythm, as his palm rubbed up and down the smoothness of his shaft.

"Javier, what have you done to me?" He yelled into the empty room and nearly convulsed while coming.

Chapter 8

One night a few weeks later, Javier knocked on Esteban's door and walked in barefoot. Esteban frowned, looking at his feet. "Where are your shoes?"

"I didn't get them because I jumped out of bed in a hurry."

"It's still cold to go around like that, here, you can have my slippers, I'll put some shoes on."

Javier followed him to the bedroom, and watched him changing his shoes after handing Javier a pair of socks from a drawer.

"Why did you leave in a rush? A nightmare?"

"Nearly. Raul is downstairs."

"What?"

Esteban was heading for the door, but Javier put his palm over his chest stopping him.

"Wait! I reacted the same way, and went to see what was going on when I heard their voices."

"Where is Carly?"

"She's with her mom tonight."

"Okay, but Raul and Diego can hurt each other."

Javier hesitated, but finally said, "I've never heard of anybody hurting another while kissing."

Esteban froze in awe. "You're kidding me?"

"No. Why do you think I'm here? I would have never left Diego alone if they were truly fighting, but they are not."

Esteban sat on the bed. "Kissing?"

"Yes, old fashioned French kissing. When I heard a silence I went to see if they had knocked each other out, but no, Raul got Diego against the wall, in a very erotic pose."

"How is that possible, I mean, those two hate one another."

"How? I have a very good idea, allow me to demonstrate."

Javier pulled him until Esteban stood, pushed him against the nearest wall, and catching him off guard covered Esteban's mouth with his own. Unlike the last time they kissed, Esteban took the lead and searched for Javier's tongue.

Esteban ended the kiss and said, "We're not supposed to do this, remember?"

"If those two are making out downstairs, why couldn't we?"

"They are about the same age."

"Esteban stop using that stupid excuse to avoid me. Tell me the truth, it's the least you owe me."

He circled Javier and stood in front of the dresser, where he smacked both fists on and leant forward, burying his head into his hands. Javier stood next to him.

"What is wrong with you?" Javier asked with concern.

"Everything. I tried to tell my father that I want to be out. He knows I'm gay, but he also knows I control my impulses. I went to see him and I talked, and talked, and at the end, I didn't say anything. Damn it! I'm a coward. If I can't tell him, there is no way I'll ever tell anybody else that I want to share my life with another man. I simply cannot do it."

Javier stood behind him and embraced him, leaning his head on his back.

"Is it because of that you've been rejecting me? It's okay, Esteban. I understand."

Slowly Esteban faced him while shaking his head.

"It's not fair. If you are with me, we will never be able to be out. We'll be living in a closet, and this isn't fair for you." Esteban stared at Javier's eyes, before finishing, "I can't ask you to continue hiding for anybody's benefit. I know what Mauricio did to you."

Javier felt touched by Esteban's consideration, but if that was the only thing standing between them, it didn't really matter.

"Esteban, I know life isn't fair, that was the first lesson I learned." Javier leaned forward and pressed his face to Esteban's shoulder, feeling the embrace he craved for weeks.

"I know it is impossible for you to be out. After spending time with your family, I understand your concern."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. If I have to choose between having you in secret, and not having you at all, the choice is clear."

Right then they heard steps going down, the front door closing and a car starting. They peeked out the windows; it was Raul's car.

Javier said, "I'll be right back, I'm going to check to see if Diego is okay."

He went downstairs and found Diego sitting on a sofa wrapped in a blanket nursing a cup of tea. The black eyes avoided Javier when he said, "I thought you were sleeping."

"I was, but I heard your voices. I'm sorry for intruding, I simply want to know if you're okay."

Diego took a sip of tea before answering. "I am just a little embarrassed because I have no idea what you witnessed."

"Not much, I went upstairs when you guys started kissing against the kitchen wall."

Javier noticed how Diego's hand quivered as he sipped his tea.

"Diego, is he forcing you, I mean, he is obviously using you, right?"

Diego shook his head. "No. We use each other in a way only we know. Don't worry, Javier. When Raul was born, I already knew how to ride a bike."

"And what does that has to do with anything?"

"As the Spanish saying goes, the devil knows more because he's older than from being the devil."

Javier narrowed his eyes, and shook his head. He didn't get the saying, but Diego got him.

"I left the box of condoms on the kitchen counter, help yourself, I'm going to bed to dream with my own devil."

Javier opened his mouth to deny his intentions, but Esteban walked right in. Diego looked from one to another and said, "I'm okay. You know better than anyone that Raul doesn't defeat me in a fight."

Esteban nodded, but asked. "Do you know how serious is this game you're playing, Diego? He would never—"

Diego raised a hand in a gesture that spoke by itself, "I know. Unlike us, you two have a chance. You need to talk, and it's better if you do it in neutral territory. Good night."

They both watched Diego going to his room.

Chapter 9

"Are you sure he's all right?" Esteban questioned Javier.

"Yes, something tells me they've been playing this game for a while."

"God! I can't believe Raul never told me about this."

"Well, Diego didn't say much either. I guess they prefer actions to words."

Esteban smiled, and Javier moved closer. "Like Diego says, come and join the dark side, we have condoms, even flavored ones."

This time Esteban laughed. "Oh, God. You guys are nuts. Who would buy flavored condoms?"

"We, the sensualists."

"I'm glad Diego found someone who speaks his language and understands his lifestyle."

Esteban walked to the window from where only the lights from the river were visible, and leaning against the wall next to it asked, "Is there anything you want to say, Javier?"

Javier walked and stood in front of him and without a word leaned back, resting into the strong, warm support of Esteban's chest, as he slowly began to brush his butt against Esteban's crotch. For Esteban it was totally new.

He had never seen anyone undulating his hips like that in that provocative way—especially not against him.

"Talking is the last thing I want to do with you tonight," Javier moaned.

"Turn around and stop doing that, face me."

Shaking his head slowly, Javier rotated his hips against him once more. Esteban could feel Javier's toned buttocks massaging his upper legs and even higher. Much to his dismay, Esteban found himself chasing the round shape of Javier's butt, while Javier continued his slow silent dance.

Esteban was taking it fine, but Javier went further. He raised his ass cheeks up to Esteban's zipper. Focusing the sweeping there, in order to get a response out of Esteban who realized his own body was responding. So, he extended his hand reaching Javier's palm. The touch made them both feel unexpected delightful waves all over.

"All right, you win. Your place or mine?"

He meant to sound experienced. What was wrong with him? Javier got near him, and he started acting like a teenager. Maybe that was his problem, Esteban skipped that part of his life.

"Allow me to corrupt you, Esteban."

Javier was smiling while saying this, but there was no jest in the intense gaze that thrilled Esteban, or the warm palms that slowly caressed Esteban's arms up and down.

"Please give me a chance, one night, and if you like it, we take it from there, if you don't, we won't ever mention it."

Unsure of the proper thing to say, Esteban nodded.

"I can't pretend anymore that I'm not affected by you. Let's go to my place then."

"Sure, give me a second, I need to get something from the kitchen."

Javier winked, and said, "Your curiosity about the flavored condoms is about to be sated."

He smiled at that too, but who was he fooling? Deep inside, Esteban knew he enjoyed Javier's mouth more than anything he had ever felt.

****

A few minutes later, lying over the bed, Esteban kept his eyes closed while his mouth was gasping for air and muttering unintelligible sounds. Javier looked up to see Esteban's strong profile, and his mouth, which he would have loved to kiss if he didn't have his own filled with Esteban's cock.

The temptation to remove the flavored condom was great, he wanted to taste him, but he would have to limit himself to what he'd done before - sucking a finger with pre-come.

Besides, the strawberry condom tasted great, and what mattered was the pleasure he'd delivered. Not having experienced this before without a condom, Esteban couldn't tell the difference, and yes, that was a big plus. Javier went up and down, without using hands, only his mouth, and his tongue to lick the head, sucking it, circling before repeating it again.

He had gotten everything he needed in Diego's kitchen, including lube. Apparently, Diego never made it to the bedroom.

He felt Esteban tensing and let go of his shaft.

Javier put a condom over his own cock, to catch his release when it happened, to avoid spurting semen all over the place, and not spreading the virus. It was the first time he had done this since he knew he was a carrier, and it was hard to not lose himself in the passion and forget about the precautions.

He stroked Esteban's cock and checked that the condom was in place, before moving forward and straddling his hips. Javier took a moment to look at the full length of the lean, muscular body under his. A body which was the most beautiful Javier had ever seen, and he'd seen many. Also Esteban without clothes looked younger.

Esteban was expecting Javier's next move, so he nervously asked."Why did you stop? What's next?"

There in his eyes was the care and desire Javier craved for so long.

Sitting next to him, Javier took one of Esteban's hands, sensually using it to caress his own face, kissing the fingers. Esteban used his fingers to caress Javier's face, continuing all the way down to his chest. Javier moaned in pleasure. In no time, Javier was all over him, entertaining his hands with each inch of Esteban's flesh. He began to kiss him all over, until the point Esteban said. "Javier, I don't think I will last long if you continue that."

The answer was expected. "No problem, we can begin again."

There was some hesitation in every one of Esteban's caresses.

"Why are you back to your timid self?" Javier asked him concerned.

Esteban admitted. "I'm not sure about what comes next. I mean, I read a lot on the subject, but..." When he trailed off, Javier took his hand, while saying, "Hmm, you've been reading porn? Don't worry. Touch me here. I'll teach you to do something I've done many times, but never to myself."

He opened his legs and guided Esteban's fingers to his entrance.

****

Esteban waited so long for this moment, but he was anxious—worried about his performance. What if he did something wrong? Feeling both excited and surprised, he paid attention to where his hand was guided. He knew Javier was open-minded about things, but this was still beyond his wildest expectations.

With another naughty look, Javier spread lube over his fingers. The rest he put over Esteban's length. And then any innocence Esteban might have left was gone. He learned how to stretch a sphincter with Javier's experienced fingers guiding his. None of the books Esteban read about sex explained in detail how to do that. One thing that surprised Esteban was how smooth but strong Javier's asshole felt.

Javier had been so patient with him before, but now was the decisive moment. When he noticed Javier trying to straddle him, he offered, "You can sit over me, it's fine."

Pleased, Javier obeyed. Letting his knees bend over Esteban's legs, above his hardened cock. Javier gave him another hint. "Once you are inside me, you must wait until I tell you before moving."

Esteban nodded, and realized how Javier seemed to keep his desire under strict control.

He watched how he squatted over him, holding himself with a hand on Esteban's leg while he slowly impaled himself onto him. From his position on the bed, Esteban observed, fascinated by how his shaft penetrated Javier. Esteban was struck. The feeling was overwhelming. He had imagined it was going to feel good, but this was over-the-top. After that, Javier leaned forward and put both hands over Esteban's shoulders, closing his eyes. Esteban reached out, combing Javier's hair with his long fingers, and Javier opened his eyes and rasped, "I want to enjoy this to the fullest, in case you regret it and this becomes a one night stand."

Holding Javier's face in his hands, Esteban said, "There is no reason to be concerned. I resisted my attraction for you at first, but once I realized my feelings for you, I'll never regret anything that happens between us."

"You cared about me back then? Oh, if I had known, I wouldn't have left you like that."

Esteban smiled and muttered huskily, "As painful as it was, it was better that way because I wasn't ready yet for you."

He caressed Javier's back with the tip of his fingers, and moistening his lips with his tongue, he begged, "Javier, kiss me."

Javier inclined forward and kissed him, as if it was the impulse he needed, Esteban grabbed his lips with his, in a hungry kiss. Since the first time he'd seen that mouth he wanted to kiss him like this. When his tongue found Javier's, Esteban realized that Javier forgot all restraint and pressed against his length until he thrust deeper.

This was great, amazing. He distracted himself looking for words to describe it because he felt he wouldn't last long if he put all his thoughts into the feeling of Javier's tight innermost self wrapped around him. He recalled Javier's warning about not moving, so he remained calm. Javier inhaled and exhaled, but kept his eyes closed. "Are you okay?" Esteban asked concerned, and Javier nodded. Raising a hand, Esteban caressed Javier's hair, and cheek while offering, "If it is too much for you, we can change positions."

Javier smirked. "That sounds great, but not today. I'm all right, and ready. Enjoy it. Simply feel me. Now slowly draw back your cock from my ass, but leave the head inside, and push it in again."

Esteban didn't need to hear it twice. He was dying to move. Putting his hands at both sides of Javier's buttocks, he obeyed, lifting Javier at will. Esteban was able to control himself better than he thought. Javier arched upward and threw his head backwards, indicating between whimpers. "Now move...yeah, like that...much better...ay, right there...do that again...good you move very well."

Javier was able to move too. Now Esteban could see in action what he had viewed him doing before, teasing. It was amazing the way that Javier could motion move his hips as he tried to combine his movements with his. "Oh... Esteban you're doing better than I ever imagined..."

"So... I'm doing it right?"

Javier smiled hearing the concern in the Esteban's voice. "Excellent! Yeah, right there... great."

Silently, Javier took one of the Esteban's hands and put it around his own penis. Esteban knew what he wanted and it was something he knew how to do, since he had been practicing lately with his own. It was a moment to remember. Something told him that no matter how many times they did it, he would never forget the aroused look in Javier's eyes, his body moving over him, as he wedged his member inside while forgetting the size of it. And his own hips looking for fulfillment moved according to Javier's pre-orgasmic rhythm. Javier's length felt so good in his hand despite the condom. He never expected to feel pleasure simply touching another. He stroked it, trying to match the pace of their hips.

Esteban felt Javier halted for a second, grabbing his shaft with his innermost reflex, like he wanted to extend the moment. Esteban let go of Javier's cock as he lifted his neck to see better what actions their hips were performing, then he held Javier with each of his hands by the hips, helping him master the dance by pumping up. Javier leaned forward balancing himself with one arm on Esteban's chest, kissing him, this time the kiss deeper, tongues interlaced, sucking.

Esteban nudged Javier to indicate he wanted him to lie on his back. Javier seemed a little surprised, but started to lean backward at the same time Esteban sat in a fluid movement, still holding the underside of Javier's thighs in his hands. Then, while parting Javier's legs more by holding each of his legs over his forearms, he leaned over him, kneeling and started thrusting again.

At first carefully, but within seconds with a frenzy that surprised Javier, all this without interrupting the kissing, he finished moving from a sitting position to being over Javier. The movement was so smooth that Javier was surprised when he found himself under Esteban, who had taken over the act in a firm but gentle way, like he did everything.

Without time to think, as Esteban showed him who was in charge, Javier greatly enjoyed it, every thrust more intense, more passionate. Javier found himself gasping for air, and trembling.

Finally, Javier dropped his head backwards resting over the bed in an orgasmic spasm, and screamed Esteban's name. After he regained his breath, he muttered. "Esteban, that was the best orgasm of my life."

Esteban would never know if it had been those words, or seeing Javier like never before, but soon he was over the edge and with two more thrusts he let himself come.

For the next few seconds they were so spent that they couldn't move. Slowly Javier moved between Esteban's arms saying, "We have to dispose of these condoms now, come on let me show you."

Once they were back in the bed, Javier rested over Esteban's chest and said, "If before I thought I was crazy about you, now I would kill anybody who stands between us. This has been the most amazing experience ever."

Esteban removed some hair from Javier's forehead, tenderly observing his beautiful and tired features. "Well, I don't have any reference to compare, all I can say is that I loved it as much as I love you."

Javier quickly raised his head from his chest looking him in the eyes. The beauty of those green eyes was enough to make him shake inside once more. "Esteban, did you say what I think you did? If so, did you mean it?"

"Yes, I love you, like I never loved anyone before. What's wrong?"

Javier was amazed. "I'd never thought you were going to tell me that, I thought this was just sex for you."

"Silly Javier. Do you think I would risk everything I have, just for sex?"

"Are you serious, Esteban?"

"Of course, I'd say that even if the sex wasn't amazing, what I feel for you is so much more than passion."

Satisfied, Javier sighed and questioned, "When will you be ready for another round?"

"Javier, what are you talking about?"

Esteban was shocked. Javier gave him his cutest smile ever, curled up against his body, and explained. "Esteban, you have no idea what you got yourself into."

Epilogue

From the auditorium, Esteban watched as Javier, with tightly closed eyes, listened for the right moment to join the orchestra as the concertmaster. There was a deep intimate emotion in seeing Javier performing in public, not only because he was so talented and today had achieved his dream of performing as a concertmaster with the NY Philharmonic, but also it meant Javier continued his life after Mauricio's passing.

Esteban now knew that getting them together had been his friend's legacy. Even if Mauricio never expressed it directly, he knew deeply in his soul it was the truth, and he hoped that wherever his beloved friend was, he learned that the two men he loved the most were happy together, and forever would remember him with affection.

Javier had reconciled with his estranged family, who were all in attendance. Next to Esteban, Diego briefly held his hand, a proud smile illuminating his face, and Esteban stroked his hand back without missing the look Raul sent their way. Inwardly, Esteban grinned, because his brother was unaware that he knew about his strange liaison with Diego.

After that Esteban had only eyes for Javier, whose face marked his concentration as he zoned into a place that nobody else could touch. Although only Esteban knew that some of those small gestures of nearly pleasuring pain, were the same Javier would do while making love.

Javier played his interpretation of Tchaikovsky's violin concerto solo smoothly, and when the orchestra joined him again, Esteban felt every cell in his body come alive, his senses reacted to the music while his skin throbbed at the magnificence of the melody.

Javier had moved in with him discreetly. Most people thought he still lived with Diego and company, but what mattered was that they slept together every night.

Javier's health continued to be strong, and they both hoped it would remain as such for many years to come.

After the concerto, Javier asked his father, "What do you think Dad?"

"For once, you've made the right choice, a little sacrilegious, but the right one, none the less."

For a few seconds, Javier wondered if his father was referring to his music, but the way his old man looked at Esteban while he talked with Javier's mother, explained it all.

Today was extra special, because the Lozano family would be meeting the Hidalgo one for the first time. Even Raul agreed to behave, and not to make sarcastic comments, or fight with Diego. Yes, they continued fighting in front of others, and everybody waited to see how the birth of the baby would affect their conflict. Carly had become nicer as her belly expanded, and Javier concluded that the girl simply needed more food. Now, that she forgot about her weight for a few months, she smiled more often. Who would have thought? She wasn't unfriendly, she was hungry.

Diego had explained to Javier that the Hidalgo family had a policy of don't show and we don't care. In others words, as long as Esteban and Javier didn't kiss in public, or talk about their lives together, nobody cared. Javier wondered if that was why Raul and Diego continued to have their quickies in the kitchen thinking nobody knew. Well, Raul didn't know Javier and Esteban knew—blissful unawareness.

Javier decided to ignore the fact that he was back in the closet, because the only thing he cared was that Esteban shared his life with him. Esteban's voice startled him.

"Everything all right?"

"Yes, it's perfect."

"I'm so proud of you, beyond words."

"Please hug me."

Esteban looked around, the members of the families were talking among themselves.

"Here?"

"Yeah, it's only a hug. If they kick us out, we can go home and comfort one another."

"I think I know why I love you."

"Because there aren't any unknown places between our bodies?"

"Javier!"

Esteban looked around to see who might be within earshot, and Javier chuckled. "I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. When you put on that face I know you're about to go all poetic and I usually end up crying."

"Okay, then I will keep it to myself."

"Please don't, I'll make an effort to behave."

"Forget it."

"Please, what were you about to say?"

Esteban thought for a second before saying, "That only with looking at your face I found purpose in my life, and every dream becomes possible."

Javier held his strong hands between his own.

"And only with you I feel loved is in a way I've never felt before."

"So you don't regret it?"

"Huh, sometimes, when you refuse to try new toys."

Esteban stared at him, and Javier hugged him.

"Just kidding. By the way, can we skip the dinner?"

"No way, unless you want to be expelled from the Hidalgo family."

"Okay, I'll endure the event because I love you."

They hugged in silence for a few seconds, nobody dared to disturb their embrace because there was a sublime quality in their union, difficult to describe to onlookers, but still perceivable. Esteban found it hard to believe how much Javier changed his perception and how, slowly but steadily, they both were changing everybody's around them. The eternal power of a love greater than life and death.

About The Author

I live somewhere in the Northeastern United States and write gay fiction, because there are passions that don't fit in any closet. For the record, I must disclose that I shave every day before putting on the makeup. Just in case, we meet, and you notice the stubble under it.

In 2008, I posted some of my stories on the Aarinfantasy's YAOI Collection Forum under the pen name of Xcc, and because of the positive feedback I got, in 2009, I started to write professionally. Easier said than done, so I'm still doing my best to create entertaining m/m love stories.

Please visit my blog, Naaju Rorrete's Web Space to learn more about me or my current work.
