 
# Table of Contents

PREAMBLE

CHAPTER 1: Wolves in sheep's clothing

What are we thinking?

Wiser than the children of the light

What is the result of this thinking?

How are we overlooking the wolves?

Fear and shame – consequences for the victim

Ongoing consequences to children

Prevalence

Preparing the Ecclesia for reports

Responding to reports of abuse

Are wolves forever lost?

The atonement in action to save the wolf

Taking a stand

Discussion points

CHAPTER 2: All domestic abuse is violation of Christ's Commandments

We must not accept domestic abuse

Domestic abuse is categorically un-Christlike

Should a wife submit to domestic abuse?

No Conscience

No empathy

Characteristic excuses

Domestic abuse is satisfaction of fleshly lusts

Entitlement

The cycle of abuse

What domestic abuse do we notice?

Sexual abuse even in marriage

What domestic abuse have we missed?

Can an abuser be rehabilitated?

Taking a stand

Prevention is better than cure

Discussion points

CHAPTER 3: How does family and domestic abuse hide in the Ecclesia?

A carefully cultivated environment

Sometimes our hands are tied

False Choices

Discussion points

CHAPTER 4: The Ecclesia's response: refuge for the victim

Ecclesial Responsibility

The primacy of victim safety

Believing the victim

Confidentiality of the report

Warning the victim

Involving professional counsellors

Supporting the victim

The involvement of sisters

Responsibilities to the law of the land

What are signs we may see in a friend that may point to abuse?

How to raise the subject

Practical help

What if I witness potentially abusive un-Christlike behaviour?

What if I witness or overhear physical violence or threats?

Discussion points

CHAPTER 5: The Ecclesia's response: saving the abuser

How to support the abuser

Dealing with manipulation and control

Abuser support ground rules

Avoiding being complicit in the abuse

Professional counsellors

Spiritual help

Counselling the abuser

Spiritual Counsellors

Discussion points

CHAPTER 6: Investigation & discipline

Abusers and qualifications for ecclesial responsibilities

Fellowship

The relationship with law enforcement

Restoring for the abuser

Investigating Domestic Abuse – judging rightly

Matthew 18 processes do not apply to long-standing domestic abuse cases

Matthew 18 is a conflict resolution plan

Scriptural principles

Available approaches and their consequences

Leading to repentance – a scriptural alternative

A spiritual counsellor's approach

When spiritual counselling fails

Appointing spiritual counsellors

Early commitment to see it through

The purpose of spiritual counselling

Spiritual counselling and professional help

The scope of spiritual counselling

Measuring progress

Feedback to the professional counselling

Taking it slowly

The Role of the Arranging Brothers

Dealing with the pity play

Dealing with denial and denials

Accepting true repentance

A word about repairing families

Discussion points

CONCLUSION

Preparing the brotherhood

ADDENDUM: Cumberland Ecclesia Family & Domestic Violence Policy

# PREAMBLE

Family and domestic violence is a pattern of behaviour based on the use of power and control by one person over another in family relationships. Abusers use different ways to do this; it may take the form of physical, sexual, verbal or emotional and economic abuse.

This paper is intended to provide a scriptural analysis of domestic abuse, and to open a dialogue about its impact on the Christadelphian community, and how individuals and ecclesias can respond to it.

The subject is confronting, but as followers of Christ we need to confront it. The subject is ugly, but we need to recognise the ugliness which taints our "feasts of love". From personal experience through numerous examples I know our inclination is to deny family and domestic abuse exists among us. We have a tendency toward dismissing any in-depth discussion as unedifying and "not for discussion in polite company". For me I have had to confront the challenge of dealing with reports. It has been a journey of increasing understanding of the problem and how to respond to cases, both personally and as an arranging brother on behalf of my ecclesia. I had the opportunity to draw on the experience of many brothers and sisters (in my ecclesia and elsewhere) when engaged in writing of a family and domestic violence policy for my ecclesia. Many of those brothers and sisters have gone on to share their experiences through further examples for which I am grateful. All this has informed this discussion paper.

In this paper I speak primarily of domestic abuse by husbands toward their wives. This is universally accepted as the 'general' case, but abusers can be male or female, victims can be male or female, abuse can happen between husbands and wives but also between other close family members, including abuse of parents and grandparents by family members.

" _Despite its explosive nature, men are often not afraid of women's violence and may mock and laugh at their wives' aggression...Women, however do fear male violence. Apparently, it is clear to many men that they are ultimately in control, even when their wives are violent...While violent women experience themselves as out of control, violent men experience themselves as asserting the ultimate control over their partners." (_ James, K. (1996). Truth or fiction: Men as victims of domestic violence? Australian New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, 17(3): 121–125)

I speak of domestic abuse, but there is a growing body of evidence suggesting that maltreatment of children and domestic abuse may occur simultaneously in the same family and that the presence of one type of abuse may be a strong predictor of the other (Australian Institute of Family Studies (Tomlinson, 2000)). Please consider this when reading this paper.

To be clear I am not advocating or even suggesting "witch hunts" or a paranoid anxiety that every brother or even many brothers are abusers. What needs to change is the way we deal with reports of abuse, the victims and the abusers and develop an understanding among all ecclesial members that such behaviour is not acceptable to God.

## Feedback

If the suggestions of this paper are in whole or in part the modus operandi of some ecclesias today, then I commend them for this leadership and encourage them to support the development of this maturity in the brotherhood more widely. I personally would love to hear of your experience. To the extent what is said may appear critical, it is for the reader to make the application where the criticism is warranted.

## A word of thanks

I am thankful for the contribution of many brothers and sisters who both directly and indirectly contributed to this discussion paper. This includes victims who have opened difficult wounds and recounted many sad situations, Arranging Brothers responsible for responding to past reports, and brothers and sisters with other first-hand experience with victims and abusers who have reviewed drafts and offered suggestions and input, both for the Cumberland Ecclesia Policy and this discussion paper. Some have invested a huge amount of time encouraging the work, providing brotherly advice and working at the difficult task of editing – I am especially indebted to them.

## My exhortation & prayer

**It is time to rethink our response to domestic violence in the Brotherhood.** Let us **hear** the cries of the oppressed, **believe** their stories even when they shock us, **act** to protect them and their children, and save their abusers from the inevitable consequence of un-repented sins.

May the Father grant that we may be humble vehicles of His justice, His loving-kindness and His Mercy.

Andrew Weller  
November, 2016
If you feel at risk it might be better not to leave paper or electronic copies of this discussion paper where they may be inadvertently found. Consider deleting your browsing history and otherwise be careful not accidentally disclose your interest in this topic to a person who is threatening you.  
The best course of action is to make other trusted people aware of how you feel.

**This paper can be downloaded from the internet at** http://tinyurl.com/zdo9le4

This paper may be reproduced or distributed freely but only in its entirety and free from alteration. Contact me (consulting@actualeyes.com.au) for any other desired uses.

# CHAPTER 1: Wolves in sheep's clothing

_We begin by looking at the general problem, the nature of abusers and their abuse and what ecclesias can do about it. Future chapters will look more specifically at family and domestic abuse, although much of what is said could also be applied more generally to other forms of abuse including maltreatment of children._

## What are we thinking?

One of the more distinctive doctrines of the Brotherhood is that mankind inherits a proneness to sin from our father Adam. Further, we hold that sin emanates from the heart or thinking of all men (not being the prompting of some supernatural Satan) and leads all men at times to be disobedient to God. Consequently, there is much evil evident around us in every aspect of life.

We also have the warnings of Christ and the Apostles, for instance:

" _Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves."_ (Matthew 7:15)

" _For I know this, that after my departing shall grievous wolves enter in among you, not sparing the flock."_ (Acts 20:29)

" _This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away."_ (2 Timothy 3:1-5)

" _For there are certain men crept in unawares, who were before of old ordained to this condemnation, ungodly men, turning the grace of our God into lasciviousness, and denying the only Lord God, and our Lord Jesus Christ."_  
(Jude 4)

Even though these are direct and clear warnings it appears that we hold contradictory beliefs at times.

We sometimes appear to believe that:

  * wicked deeds and gross sin are not found in Christ's disciples; or,

  * that whilst some might stray we are fundamentally all genuine disciples – sheep doing all we can to follow our Shepherd; or,

  * that when a man or woman says they accept Christ they have been fundamentally transformed; or,

  * that wickedness and evil are not to be found in the life of the Ecclesia and the families and relationships that make it up.

We do not teach this directly, but our actions can at times belie our true beliefs.

Why do we say that many in our community hold dearly to these mistaken beliefs? We say this because brothers and sisters are surprised and then traumatised when wolves are exposed in our midst. This is not a new phenomenon although perhaps the modern day "shrinking of the globe" makes us more aware of such cases. The exposed wolves are those found practising many forms of wickedness including domestic abuse of all sorts and sexual abuse including some of the most abhorrent child sexual abuse. There have been wolves with 'other lives' (generally fraudulent lives) including those with 'second lives' indulging in gross immorality or financial misappropriation.

## Wiser than the children of the light

There is a warning in Christ's words in the parable of the unjust steward. It is cause for reflection when considering our response to the problem of domestic abuse in the Ecclesia:

" _For the people of this world are more shrewd in dealing with their own kind than are the people of the light."_  
(Luke 16:8 NIV)

Consider how _the people of this world_ are dealing with abuse issues in society. I live in Australia and here are some local examples. Most countries have parallel ones. Please think about cases in your own countries. Here are but a few:

Governments hold Royal Commissions into domestic abuse and the way it is responded to by the Government including social welfare services, policing and the justice system. They have specifically enquired into sexual abuse in institutional settings especially churches.

Mandatory disclosure laws for those working with children.

Laws to protect society from risks of recidivism by sex offenders by inhibiting their freedom to participate in many aspects of society (in addition to criminal sanctions);

Public campaigns including Government supported campaigns against all forms of domestic violence and a move to give victims 10 days leave a year to deal with the consequences.

Support systems (including legal support systems for victims of domestic violence) to help make them safe from predatory behaviour and the reaches of their abusers. Society recognises that such victims need access to refuge and relief from abuse.

It can be argued the people of this world are _more shrewd_ than the People of the Light. In some ecclesias we have been slow to:

  * Recognise the importance of proactively developing abuse-averse cultures including child safe cultures and domestic abuse-aware cultures. There is a tendency to focus on spiritual discipline and abuser rehabilitation and to attribute blame to the victim. Support of victims and their recovery, eliminating risk and complying with the law tends to get relegated to secondary priorities or in a compliance mindset just to satisfy the law.

  * Be open about abuse in the Ecclesia, be it domestic abuse or sexual abuse. It has been a subject "not to be discussed in polite company". Victims leave themselves at risk of further danger because they believe no one wants to know about their situation. There is a tendency to forget about cases over time meaning we could be underestimating the prevalence of the problem.

  * Prioritise victims ahead of abusers. Sometimes victims have been forced to confront their abusers and to endure a risk of ongoing abuse. Instead, abusers should have ongoing consequences including significant limitations on their participation in ecclesial activities regardless of their acceptance back into fellowship.

  * Sustain an open dialogue about the problem by writing or speaking about domestic abuse on the platform – I have experiences from some brothers and sisters an unwillingness to discuss domestic abuse in any depth, or to acknowledge the true extent of the problem in our midst.

  * Reliably ensure the safety of abuse victims. We don't always recognise domestic abuse when it is occurring or we don't believe the victim's account. We are more likely to recognise an incident than an underlying pattern of behaviour. The nature of the fear and shame-driven responses of victims is not appreciated which severely compromises their safety. These biases lead to the wrong characterisation of domestic violence situations as "marriage problems" which are then responded to with well-meaning but dangerous counselling which assumes the problems are partly caused by the victim. This approach allows the cycle of abuse to continue.

## What is the result of this thinking?

Some victims are not given refuge. Some abusers are not held accountable. The cycle of abuse continues. Control and manipulation is hidden under more layers of fear and shame and the victim's belief that the Ecclesia will not believe their story is reinforced.

In the rest of this paper we will focus on family and domestic abuse, but much of what we say can apply to all types of control and manipulation by "wolves in sheep's clothing".

## How are we overlooking the wolves?

Is it possible we can overlook wolves in our midst? Yes! The wolves in our midst look like sheep. Some look like the most diligent followers of their Lord. Unfortunately, there are examples where the opportunity for the Ecclesia to lift the veil on the hidden sins of darkness has been missed – these types of abuse are the behaviours of wicked men manipulating and controlling people in many aspects of their life. As they can manipulate and control loved ones, so they can manipulate and control people in the Ecclesia and the workplace.

It is natural to be fooled by the outward show that hides their true wickedness. We are fooled by the clothes they wear, by the words they speak, by their show of love of the brethren. But if we look back at cases we are aware of, many of us will concede that we missed the "fruits" by which we could have "known them". Pride and contempt for others, for instance, are traits Christ expects us to recognise. We need to ensure we reject and name manipulative and un-Christlike behaviours even in those who possess skills we value – perhaps structured teaching or conservative leadership. We should be wary of appointing people with abusive character traits to positions of influence and power in the Ecclesia.

David speaks of the frustration of this situation:

" _Day and night they go about it upon the walls thereof: mischief also and sorrow are in the midst of it._

Wickedness is in the midst thereof: deceit and guile depart not from her streets.

For it was not an enemy that reproached me; then I could have borne it: neither was it he that hated me that did magnify himself against me; then I would have hid myself from him:

But it was thou, a man mine equal, my guide, and mine acquaintance.

We took sweet counsel together, and walked unto the house of God in company."

" _The words of his mouth were smoother than butter, but war was in his heart: his words were softer than oil, yet were they drawn swords."_ (Psalm 55:10-14, 21)

These words resonate strongly with modern cases of abuse. The effect on David is much like the effect on the abusers victims. Abusers are practiced deceivers and skilled manipulators. It is a wicked and sorrowful obsession. Deceit and guile are in all their actions – even those that appear genuine as seen in gestures that are generous ("sweet counsel", and "walking unto the house of God in company") are but schemes or traps for their victims.

Naturally there is a range of 'seriousness' in this wolf-like behaviour and the impact on victims. The common trait is lack of empathy and appreciation of the impact their actions have upon their victims. The extent of their predatory behaviour might vary and their behaviours might become more serious and entrenched over time if not brought to account. We will explore this more in Chapter 2.

## Fear and shame – consequences for the victim

Their victims have the worst plight to bear, of course. The effect on David's life echoes the effects on victims in many cases:

" _Because of the voice of the enemy, because of the oppression of the wicked: for they cast iniquity upon me, and in wrath they hate me_

My heart is sore pained within me: and the terrors of death are fallen upon me.

Fearfulness and trembling are come upon me, and horror hath overwhelmed me.

And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest.

Lo, then would I wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. Selah.

_I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest."_ (Psalm 55:3-8)

The wolves' victims are often destroyed – emotionally crushed, living in a state of overwhelming fear and horror. It is important we never minimise the seriousness of this impact. Victims may suffer what is described as post-traumatic stress disorder – an illness for which professional help is needed. Other illnesses like anxiety and depression are common in such circumstances. These are illnesses and the Ecclesia generally is not equipped to treat them. Professional help is required.

If the abuser is not brought to account, the victim loses trust in the Ecclesia and sometimes **'loses faith'**. This often leads to an inability to face meetings or engage in ecclesial activities because of a sense of shame or discomfit. Worse, many victims (and abusers as it happens) leave the brotherhood – to our shame some even find the refuge and understanding they need in other churches. We can now see that some sisters who have left the Truth in the midst of family breakup were really victims of domestic abuse, and if we were more aware of the problem we might have been in a position to recognise the root cause of their issues and help them through the crisis and by the Grace of God helped them maintain their faith.

Young sisters today may well be less tolerant of abuse. But if they are not able to come to the Ecclesia for help out of fear or shame or because they don't think they will be believed we leave them vulnerable to finding emotional support in other relationships which easily lead to marriage disaster.

## Ongoing consequences to children

There is collateral damage to the children in the relationship in almost every case. They come to believe dysfunctional families are the norm. If in their future relationships, they experience abuse _they do not find the abuse unusual_. As regular and repeated observers of manipulation and control misused within the family, they observe the desires of the abuser being achieved by these behaviours. This leads to _mimicking abusive behaviours_ and acting them out for their own selfish interests with a sense of legitimacy and normality. Attitudes toward their mother are influenced by the disrespect shown by the abuser towards his wife. That might cause them to regard her somehow as a bad person and so come to disrespect her too.

Abusers have a way of misusing scripture to justify their deeds. They make excuses for their behaviour. We will look at these more in Chapter 2. Regrettably there is an ugly tendency to give legitimacy to this victim-blaming by accepting their excuses or by the subtle fallacy that somehow domestic abuse victims "ask for" the abuse, in the same way some hold to the abhorrent view that sexual abuse victims have led astray their abuser.

Some children of abusers and victims know the abuser's excuses are unacceptable responses for those professing Godliness. They become jaded and cynical about the power of the life in Christ and reject it as fake and ineffective. This is often an insurmountable barrier to acceptance of the name of Christ and instead those children are easily swayed by society's bias toward atheism and humanism. They also develop a jaded view of the divine institution of marriage and the power of two becoming one as an aid to their walk to the Kingdom. As a result, some (and perhaps most) do not accept the name of Christ and choose not to consider marriage as an important decision in their life. On occasions the boys marry in Christ and replicate the behaviour perhaps believing it normal or acceptable. Consider for a moment the terrible judgement that could await the abuser for his behaviour.

It is terrible that there are numerous children in this situation that come to my mind – I suggest you think about examples in your own circles.

## Prevalence

We should not be surprised that we are not conscious enough of this evil in our community. Domestic abuse is an evil perpetrated in secret and protected from disclosure by fear, manipulation and control and the disbelief that many have that such a thing could be present in our community. The history of child abuse in our community should be a warning to us. We should be prepared for the possibility that a more open discussion of this subject and an ecclesial environment more willing to appropriately respond to the problem leads to many more victims coming forward; sisters who are living with the knowledge of what is happening behind closed doors.

Although domestic abuse may be more common in some cultures it crosses all cultural and socio-economic boundaries. Unfortunately, the Ecclesia is not immune to the scourge of domestic abuse. As in the world, the problem knows no boundaries, be they age, cultural background, level of ecclesial involvement, 'conservative' or 'liberal'. The fact it may be common accepted or ignored in our particular society or culture does not change the fact – it remains an abomination in the family of God.

## Preparing the Ecclesia for reports

Our ecclesias need to talk openly about the problem of domestic abuse. We should discuss how we would respond if it ever surfaced in our midst. We should ensure that distinctly, clearly and believably victims hear the message that the Ecclesia will protect and support them.

Our teaching should be clear that a marriage partner who fails to love as Christ loves us, and instead abuses, is deserting the marriage, and the victim who chooses to leave such a situation is right in caring for themselves and their children's safety. We should also be clear that the Law of Christ does not call upon them to endure such suffering. We will look in later chapters at how our teaching can better incorporate education about domestic abuse.

I will reiterate what I said in the preamble, there is no place for "witch hunts". We should not have a paranoid anxiety that every brother or even many brothers are abusers. What needs to change is the way we deal with reports of abuse and in those cases, how we deal with the victims and the abusers.

## Responding to reports of abuse

Our response in providing safety for the victim is the subject of Chapter 4 and saving the abuser of Chapter 5, but the Ecclesia's response cannot avoid the connection between these two activities.

Firstly we have an obligation to do something. It is our business. We may not have seen abuse or recognised an abuser but when we do we must not walk by as the priest and the Levite did in the parable of The Good Samaritan (Luke 10:31,32).

I regret not doing anything about the first signs of abusive behaviours when I saw them. I will always have to wonder if they were capable of being "nipped in the bud" at that point instead of blossoming into a pattern of habituated abuse. Other brothers and sisters have had similar experiences and thoughts to me. One spoke of an experience as a young brother and his continuing pain and regret at not being ready to give sound advice and being unprepared to speak out about the abuse he saw in the Ecclesia there.

As we said in the preamble, domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviour based on the use of power and control by one person over another in family relationships. Abusers use different ways to exercise their power and control; it may take the form of physical, verbal or emotional, economic and sexual abuse. When we see an incident we should consider that it may be a pointer to a pattern of behaviour; an exposed behaviour that points to more or worse hidden behaviours.

When we see someone is suffering domestic abuse we need to assure them they do not deserve such abuse. We should tell them we are concerned about their safety and their children's safety and they have a right to be safe and discuss what help they might need to achieve that. We must listen to them, respect their decisions and reassure them that we will support them even if they decide to leave their abuser.

## Are wolves forever lost?

Wolf behaviours are a choice, so it follows that abusers need to recognise their evil ways and make the right choices and renounce their secret and shameful behaviours. (2 Corinthians 4:2 NIV). They are only forever lost if they choose to continue this pattern of behaviour and we lose them when we fail to lead them to confession and repentance.

When you look at how we are dealing with abusers now we are losing them because either they are not being held accountable and never truly confess and change their ways, or because we deal with them clumsily and they leave the Truth because they can't handle the confrontation. It is my sad experience that case studies with positive endings are rare.

Because wolf-pattern behaviours are habits making the right choice requires a disciplined rejection of the wrong choices in every situation in their life. It is not sufficient to only cease being angry, or to avoid alcohol, or break extra-marital relationships for instance and believe that this is sufficient. The manipulation and control needs to be acknowledged, renounced and forgiveness sought. This requires a rare capacity for introspection identifying the extent of the behaviours and self-interest.

In the spirit of confessing sins one to another, abusers seeking to rehabilitate need to find spiritual counsellors who are free from possible abuser manipulation, who can support them through this process and who are acknowledged by the Ecclesia and the victim. Ecclesias need to have expectations that this process requires an investment of effort by abuser and spiritual counsellor over a long time.

When the abuser agrees, their confessions to their spiritual counsellor should be shared with victims in a way that can help victims appreciate the true extent of the abuse. I will have more to say about this in Chapter 4 and 5 and in Chapter 6 I will look at the question of investigation and discipline of the abuser.

## The atonement in action to save the wolf

The Atonement is not just a doctrine for learned brothers to debate – it is a life to be lived. Christ came into the world to save sinners (1 Timothy 1:15). The Scriptures remind us of how he in an act of supreme love died for us and rose again and now sits at God's right hand "for us" (Hebrews 9:28). Yet as we draw on Christ's mercy and forgiveness we know we show our appreciation and don't abuse his mercy. Should we sin that grace may abound? Of course not. To do so would be to show a lack of understanding of what the new life in Christ is about. I describe in Chapter 5 the steps in recovering the wolf. It is likely to be a long process – just think about the process of bringing back the cleansed leper as described in Leviticus 14. My focus is that the first priority must be to the safety of the wife and children and then to the longer process of recovery of the wolf.

The steps for our personal forgiveness are clear:

Recognize our sin \- We may need help here and so Jesus gives the commandment to "rebuke" (Luke 17:3). This might be one of the most neglected commandments of Christ as most of us find this distasteful. We may need two or three witnesses to come and talk to us and help us recognize our sin.

Confess without blaming anyone else – "I have sinned against Yahweh" (2 Samuel 12:13). David does not seek to allocate any blame to Bathsheba at all.

Repent – the idea in the Old Testament is to "return" - to turn about and go the right way. In the New Testament the idea is to change one's mind. This means a deliberate consciousness of the need to be a different person. If it has been a long-standing pattern John the Baptist calls for "fruits worthy of repentance" (Matthew 3:8).

This needs to be followed if we are going to save the abuser eternally through the forgiveness of his sins. Although the wife needs to be willing to forgive her husband he will need to spend time for his personal forgiveness. My observation of abusers and the constant refrain of brothers dealing with abusers is that they just are not that honest.

The abuser needs to:

Recognize his sin – In Chapter 5, I detail some processes that might help him and those working with him to get there.

Confess fully and fully take responsibility. While the abuser is still blaming his wife he has not reached the confession state. This is discussed in the subsequent pages.

Repent – be completely willing to change. This is not just remorse. It is not saying sorry. It is not writing an apology. It is not tears. It is not promises never to do it again. It is a change in thinking in elevating his wife in his thoughts and therefore behaving completely differently. It will be seen in fruits of real change.

It took David nine months to confess his sin and repent. It may well take an abuser that long and longer. The desire to have his wife back or to have an ecclesially recognised solution to the marriage "problem" may lead to short-cuts in following God's approach to forgiveness in Christ. There are no short-cuts. At times Saul was full of remorse for his behaviour to David. But there was no repentance – and David ran in the opposite direction. Spiritual restoration of the wolf will need patience and persistence.

As an aside, I hope that a broader use of the approaches proposed in this paper might encourage more honesty and truly rehabilitated abusers in the future.

Fruits meet for repentance are more than just confession, seeking forgiveness and changing one's behaviour. This can be done without ever trying to really undo the damage that has been done. Seeking to restore what the abuser has taken away from his family provides the mature works of repentance. It might entail a full explanation to the children about what has happened and how their father has been wrong and should not have behaved that way. It might mean an explanation to the family of the forgiveness and mercy of God and how that with God's help the most vile of behaviours might be cast out and replaced by the loving character of Christ. Restitution can take many forms and we should be ready to lead a repenting abuser to consider how he might put back what he has taken away.

## Taking a stand

As disturbing as it can be to be faced with a case of domestic abuse, ecclesias have a responsibility to take proactive steps to prepare for such a situation. One way ecclesias can think about taking a stand is to work together to produce a Family & Domestic Violence Policy. As with child safety, such policies should be scripturally-based, in harmony with State legislation and accompanied by regular training for ecclesial members.

This process has the potential to:

  1. Provide a focus for discussion about the nature of domestic abuse;

  2. Provide an opportunity for education about the nature of domestic abuse of all kinds and how it is a gross sin;

  3. Provide a platform for the Ecclesia (without being perceived to be looking toward the situation of one case or other) to signal to victims that the Ecclesia is ready, willing and able to respond to their situation with belief and compassion.

There are number of such policies available on the Internet and the policy adopted by my ecclesia is an addendum to this paper and can be downloaded from the internet http://tinyurl.com/hku8rfz.

# Discussion points

  1. What means can we use to educate brothers and sisters to be more aware of the reality of sins of abuse in our midst?

  2. How can we create a willingness on the part of the Ecclesia to incorporate, where appropriate, the issue of domestic abuse into exhortations, study classes, sister's classes, young people's classes, marriage-enrichment classes and pre-marriage discussions?

  3. What concrete changes can ecclesias make to ensure the Ecclesia does not contribute to the feelings of shame in being a survivor of domestic abuse or having a marriage that has been broken by domestic abuse?

  4. What material can we create or things can we do to educate brothers and sisters to more ably respond to situations of domestic abuse that they see in their social and family circles? How can we empower them with ways to "call out" un-Christlike behaviours and confront the person doing them? How can we enable them to discuss what they perceive with the victim and provide support to her?

  5. In our ecclesias, how can we use the opportunity to make policy and promote it in a way that really broadens brothers and sisters' understanding of the problem, and engagement in being part of the solution? Remember, it is a confronting subject, some people do not want to talk about it or to listen to it being talked about.

  6. How are we incorporating teaching about domestic abuse into our content and programmes for young people, candidates for baptism and marriage preparation activities?

# CHAPTER 2: All domestic abuse is violation of Christ's Commandments

_In the first chapter we looked at wolves in sheep's clothing. We saw why ecclesias must continue to enhance the awareness of members of indicators of abuse and put in place policies to guide the Ecclesia should members become aware of domestic abuse._

We now turn to contrasting the behaviours of domestic abuse with the calling we have received and the Commandments of Christ.

## We must not accept domestic abuse

We have a duty of care to one another. God hates violence in the body of Christ. Instead, it must be stopped. It is the consistent teaching of scripture that we cannot walk past, ignore or pretend not to see a brother or sister in need (Luke 10:25-37, Hebrews 12:12, Isaiah 35:3-4, Isaiah 1:17, Proverbs 31:9).

It is also fundamental to the character of the Father and the work of our Lord Jesus Christ that we help the oppressed.

" _The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble."_ (Psalm 9:9 ESV)

" _O Lord, my strength, and my fortress, and my refuge in the day of affliction."_ (Jeremiah 16:19)

" _God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Ghost and with power: who went about doing good, and healing all that were oppressed of the devil; for God was with him."_ (Acts 10:37)

From these and similar quotations you would conclude the Father and His Son hate oppression and actively worked and work to provide a stronghold for those oppressed. The followers of Christ have a responsibility to do the same.

Helping in such a situation can be a difficult and challenging task, but one which we are called on to attempt in love (James 5:19, 20; 1 Thessalonians 5:14; 1 Corinthians 6:1-3 cf. 5:5). Help for adult victims is always to be provided in ways that the victim agrees with. As much as we might think it is best for a wife to leave her husband, we are in no position to demand it or force the issue if this is not her view. Helping the victim is the subject of Chapter 4.

## Domestic abuse is categorically un-Christlike

Husbands and wives are to reflect the loving relationship between Christ and his bride. Christ's behaviour to us is a wonderful example of perfect love, and our response to him should be one of adoration. Violence or abuse has no place in the commandment that we love one another "as I have loved you" (John 13:34).

God explicitly says that He hates the covering of violence and the betrayal of trust within the marriage (Malachi 2:16). Our Lord specifically said to "do violence to no man" (Luke 3:14) and God hates those that love violence (Psalm 11:5). Power must never be exercised as oppression.

## Should a wife submit to domestic abuse?

We are to submit one to another in the fear of God. Wives are to submit to husbands like the Ecclesia is to submit to Christ – but violence and abuse have no place here. God never intended a husband to use physical or emotional coercion against his wife or children. If a husband is not Christ-like it is absurd to say that the law of Christ requires submission to the abuser or that abusive behaviour should be allowed. It is never acceptable that a wife should submit to domestic abuse – in this action her husband violates his position of respect and care. In doing so he abandons his role as spiritual leader of his family and therefore as the representative of Christ in the household. Instead husbands and wives are to be one flesh – living in God-centred harmony (Ephesians 5:21-33).

## No Conscience

The undeveloped or failed conscience lies at the heart of domestic abuse. David speaks of the person devoid of conscience:

The tongue deviseth mischiefs; like a sharp razor, working deceitfully.

Thou lovest evil more than good; and lying rather than to speak righteousness. Selah.

_Thou lovest all devouring words, O thou deceitful tongue._ (Psalm 52:2-4)

Such a situation arises over time. A lack of self-discipline, for instance an uncontrolled temper or striking out can develop into a pattern of behaviour and as a consequence, the conscience becomes dulled.

Our love for our brothers and sisters and desire to be with them in the Kingdom can dull us to the reality that some are like Judas. Despite the love of God shown to them, and despite the outward show of affection (e.g. "Judas' kiss"), there are those who love evil more than good and almost all their actions are calculated to deceive and devour.

## No empathy

One of the challenges we have in accepting the evil of the abuser is that most believers assume everyone has the same empathy as they have – most of us assume everyone can put themselves in another person's shoes. Abusers, however, are incapable of seeing themselves for what they are, and are incapable of recognising the damage they are causing. They often have great difficulty in coming to accept their accountability before God, the Ecclesia and their victim for the guilt, shame and fear their behaviour is causing. There is no shame and no regret and because of their sense of entitlement they do not fear either the law of the land or the law of Christ or they would cease their wickedness.

David highlights such an individual:

The transgression of the wicked saith within my heart, that there is no fear of God before his eyes.

For he flattereth himself in his own eyes, until his iniquity be found to be hateful.

The words of his mouth are iniquity and deceit: he hath left off to be wise, and to do good.

_He deviseth mischief upon his bed; he setteth himself in a way that is not good; he abhorreth not evil._ (Psalm 36:1-4)

## Characteristic excuses

Even when 'called out' for their evil deeds abusers frequently make excuses for their behaviour, minimise it and its impact. One abusive husband called out for his control of the family finances and for preventing access by his sister wife to bank accounts for regular housekeeping said it was because she was a bad money manager. When called out for prohibiting his wife from seeing her family and friends he said it was because they were turning her against him. When called out for disparaging his wife in front of her children he responded with his own litany of her habits that did not meet his standards of spirituality. I consider ways of responding to the excuses in Chapter 5.

## Domestic abuse is satisfaction of fleshly lusts

The objective of this deceit is the satisfaction of personal pleasure. The abuser considers that everything and everyone is within his power and control to manipulate for his own evil interests. Even the laws of Christ can be manipulated in ways that enable the abuser to enforce those laws on others while openly and brazenly contravening them himself. Most of us cannot conceive of how such contradictions could exist in the life of a believer and it becomes easy to fail to see abusive behaviours even when it occurs in our own family.

This is the way it is possible for a brother to be out all night living a life of immorality and drunkenness (later confessed) then arriving home to verbally abuse his wife and children at 4AM on the same Sunday morning he was giving the exhortation to his ecclesia just hours later.

This is the way it is possible for a brother to be an arranging brother greatly respected for his care and love, responsible for "helping" families and sisters in times of crisis or with marital problems whilst at the same time giving his wife the "silent treatment" for weeks on end, forbidding her to talk to supporting friends and family and telling his children how 'bad' their mother is and that she would not be in the Kingdom.

These are just two examples yet for each example I have in mind a number of other abusers with similar double standards and behaviours including more than one arranging brother with these behaviours. Yes, they are extreme examples and there are many more not so confronting, but my experience suggests they are not as uncommon as we might wish. As with these examples of emotional abuse, examples of physical violence with similar double-standards have also been seen.

Brothers and sisters call me to discuss their experiences with domestic abuse cases and the repetitive nature of the calls and similarity between the cases is marked. This extends even to the excuses used, the responses to being caught out and the abusers attempts at manipulating those involved including victims and those helping them.

Uncomfortable as they are to discuss, they remind us of the reality of those who are in our midst but have major character deficiencies founded on a character devoid of conscience and the love of Christ.

## Entitlement

At the heart of all these issues is the sense of entitlement. This underpins the wolf's world-view. It is the basis on which he considers everything and everyone is his to control and dominate. He obtains pleasure from exerting power over them. That this may be his only motivation is a thought that challenges us all. We are inclined to think it impossible a brother could be so cruel, that a brother could see his wife in such a state and not be sympathetic, that he could not know the terrible life he has made for his family. We think like this because it is hard to conceive of a mind that gains pleasure simply from the exercise of power and control.

Such a person believes that they have rights and privileges without responsibilities. This is the hallmark characteristic of the abuser. They believe that everyone and perhaps even God (if they even believe God exists) owes them respect, obedient service and submission regardless of their own contribution or commitment. Their victims are spoken about and conceived of as their possessions and as objects to be "used".

When they are brought to account for their actions or when someone else witnesses their wickedness they do not recognise that they are responsible. Instead they blame and accuse and justify their actions with excuse after excuse including the most absurd justifications for vile behaviour. They will bring to the table well-groomed and cultivated supporters who have been deceived and manipulated to be the abuser's witnesses. These may be witnesses to their victim's "incessant nagging", "infidelity" or "mental instability and illness", or the many other reasons they use when blaming their victim. This sort of manipulation has been seen to extend even to the victim's own parents and family as witnesses against her to allow the abuser to manipulate and control even those who should be calling him out for his evil ways. This is surprisingly seen quite often in the mother of the victim blaming her daughter – as she is aware of her daughter's character weaknesses. Whilst admitting even to the gross sins of adultery and whoremongering he can threaten brothers trying to 'restore him gently' with legal action for defamation!

There is no pleasure in recounting these situations and the others in this paper, but it is a necessary conversation to keep in the open, and a situation we must all come to accept. We must see these behaviours for what they are. Unlike the abuser, we should recoil in shame because we have empathy for the victim and sorrow that the very name of God is called into disrepute. This is as it should be in all those professing Christ.

## The cycle of abuse

Many domestic abuse experts describe "The Wheel of Abuse" and detail variations on phases of the cycle. Recognising this as a cycle and not just disconnected instances of uncontrolled anger (or alcohol abuse, or stressful situations) is the key to perceiving the enormity of the abuse. No doubt the initial development of the behaviours is learned – perhaps learned from being in similarly dysfunctional families with abusive parents, or perhaps learned through experience of the effectiveness of such behaviours when first performed.

There is a phase sometimes called the 'normal' phase or the 'honeymoon' phase when the abuser manipulates the victim with apparent care, love and attention. During this phase the victim's barriers come down. They raise their hopes for a loving and God-fearing relationship. They believe they are being loved and cared for. The victim tells her supporters that everything is good, probably lauding his generosity or caring actions and delighting in the prospective holidays or gifts given. This phase is also called the 'buy-back' phase because it often comes after exposure – after the 'blow-up' or a phase where the victim leaves or threatens to leave.

The cycle of abuse

Reproduced with permission of Central Domestic Violence Service www.cdvs.com.au   
adapted from the Cycle of Violence originally published in Lenore Walker's The Battered Woman (1980).

But this is all 'too good to be true'. As the victim begins to enjoy the things every sister should be able to enjoy – time with her friends and family, enjoyment of ecclesial gatherings and other socialisation for instance, the abuser's paranoia rises, her freedoms rankle him and he sees them as a challenge to his power and control. He makes rules. He sets tests. He sets up his victim to fail 'his expectations' and begins to intimidate and threaten. All the family lives in fear of upsetting him. He metes out his criticism with sharp, derogatory, demeaning and often vile language. He intimidates the victim so that she feels small and makes her feel that she is entirely to blame for his abuse. As the victim seeks to deal with the situation a cover-up is frequently required. His wife might be bruised and unwell so she is not allowed to leave home. Even if he is accused of mistreating his wife, the abusing husband may be charming, expressing love for his wife and others. He will feign a show of empathy and care, but all the while his feigned love is tempered by excuses and blaming of others including his victim and so the 'buy-back' phase begins again and the cycle of abuse continues.

## What domestic abuse do we notice?

Horrifying though it is to contemplate, family and domestic abuse occurs within the household of faith. Once, we found it difficult to accept that child abuse has occurred in the Ecclesia. Now we have the same challenge to accept the reality of family and domestic abuse in the Ecclesia. Just as we are surprised when we find a person we have known for many years was sexually abused as a child or a person we have respected for decades has been a child abuser, we face a similar situation with the issue of domestic abuse.

The following examples are taken from real life cases: a sister not allowed the freedom to spend money on items considered "necessities" without her husband's approval; a husband who verbally abuses his wife after he drinks too much alcohol; a husband who requires his wife to account for the time she spends when he is not present; a sister denied access to family and friends her husband does not approve of; a husband who monitors his wife's communications and devices; a husband who will not speak to his wife for months at a time; a wife physically or emotionally punished for violation of a husband's arbitrary rules or other 'insubordination'; a family who 'tip-toes' around a "difficult" father and husband that they dare not upset; a husband who threatens his wife with a firearm. This is emotional abuse. This abuse has consequences as serious as physical violence. It is a gross sin and has 'eternal ramifications' not only for offender and victim but often causes collateral damage to the children.

In most jurisdictions all of this falls within the definition of family and domestic violence in the criminal code, some with serious consequences. In the Northern Territory there are mandatory reporting requirements for all adults to inform appropriate authorities when they have a reasonable belief that serious and sustained harm or physical harm has been caused by domestic abuse and in New South Wales and Tasmania (as well as Canada and some US states) similarly in circumstances when there are children involved. Given the governmental focus on this societal problem we can expect that this obligation will become more common. Rarely does a week go by that the subject is not mentioned by Federal or State politicians. It also would seem reasonable to anticipate our society will have inquiries into how churches have handled domestic abuse as there has been for child sexual abuse. This is just another reason to consider the problem proactively.

## Sexual abuse even in marriage

Sexual abuse – unwanted, unwelcome and uninvited sexual acts upon another even in marriage are rape and against the commandments of Christ. Marital duty (1 Cor. 7:3) is to love as his own flesh, cherish and hold. Misusing scripture (like we should "not defraud one another") to demand 'conjugal rights' with threats, force or violence or forcing the wife into sexual activities she is not comfortable with is a double standard. Rape is the use of sex as a weapon to overwhelm, overpower, embarrass and humiliate - the direct opposite of scriptural sexual expression as an act of love within a marriage (Col. 3:19).

## What domestic abuse have we missed?

Personally and ecclesially we ought to reflect on when we may have overlooked domestic abuse. Again, this is not advocating witch hunts, rather thinking about the actual behaviours we have seen.

For instance, in my own friendship groups I saw a husband using angry words toward his wife in social gatherings whilst continuing to be civil and friendly to everyone else. I saw this more than once. I did nothing except cringe. This was an indicator of an abusive relationship only recognised when the victim reported her abuse years later – unfortunately I was ignorant of the nature of domestic abuse then. Sadly the case remains unresolved.

A distressed sister with mental illness came to my home for help, and my sister wife has helped her through the acute mental health care system. There her psychiatrist identified the abuse issues and suggested she consider leaving him, but everyone was happy to see her return home to the abusive relationship that was the probable cause of the illness – only to see the abuse escalate.

In personal situations we should act on the concerns when we have them, even though they may be years old. Asking a wife how she is, and expressing a concern that has been bothering you for some years about how she was treated by her husband and that it wasn't right might well help a victim realise her situation and seek out help.

Ecclesially, Arranging Brothers groups might actively consider ecclesial families in turn as part of their caring role, reflecting on issues each family might be facing in areas such as spiritual welfare, employment stability, health or indeed any matter where help might be offered. If there is any concern whatsoever based on current behaviours or other indicators that signs of domestic violence might be present of have been missed in the past an approach to the possible victim could be considered. The role of sisters in contributing to such a delicate task such always be considered as often sisters have skills and empathy in this area that brothers do not possess to the same degree. This gives a victim her opportunity to open up about abuse and even if she doesn't open up, for any reason or reasons, the seed may have been sown that the Ecclesia does now understand and care about her situation and that she would be believed today.

## Can an abuser be rehabilitated?

I am not saying there are no opportunities for rehabilitation of abusers. Abusers need to take the apostle's words to heart, to "confess your sins one to another", and be willing to accept the consequences such as shame and possible ecclesial sanctions such as limitations of their ability to attend certain ecclesial meetings for a period. They must realise that they are in no position to make demands, that they are entirely to blame and that their victims may never want to have anything to do with them again. Their sins have turned their family's and their own lives upside down. They need to accept that confession does not absolve them from consequence. Being warned, then, of how easy it to fall into habituated sin, all sinners must be willing to have the personal discipline to confess and face the consequences whilst resting in the forgiveness of our Lord promised to those who truly repent. If a person recognises he is an abuser he has come to his senses as did the prodigal son and made a good start. Like the prodigal son, however, he must follow the course of true repentance to the very end by making a full confession and accepting the discipline and expectations of the Ecclesia and victim(s).

## Taking a stand

In our first chapter we suggested that ecclesias should prepare for cases of domestic abuse by educating their members. We also need to be ready to take a stand in individual cases. The level of manipulation and intimidation abusers are capable of is also frequently directed at the Ecclesia or others seeking to help. Brothers have been physically threatened and brothers and ecclesias threatened with legal action when allegations are made. Taking a stand in individual cases is nonetheless something we must do for the sake of the victims, and in the hope the abuser might see the error of his ways. As Our Lord named the true character of Judas as a betrayer even at the last 'kiss' in the hope that he might repent, we need to ensure we are not manipulated and intimidated into allowing the wolf's charade to be inflicted any further upon the victim and the Ecclesia.

The sense of shame in these circumstances is palpable and it pervades the Ecclesia. It is easy for ecclesias to avoid taking action or to hide the problem because it is a shame to be spoken of. The problem is pushed under the carpet. This is not good enough. Abusers cannot have positions of responsibility in the Ecclesia. Their true character when unrepentant is 'wolf'. What does a wolf teach the Ecclesia? Would you have a wolf amongst the sheep of your ecclesia or some other ecclesia or in mission fields?

## Prevention is better than cure

Pre-marital classes must include domestic abuse education. This must provide knowledge to bride and groom that manipulation and control have no place in a Godly marriage. It must prepare bride and groom to reject the first sign of abusive behaviours in the relationship and to seek help immediately. It should seek to establish patterns of loving and caring behaviours that can be practiced before marriage. The counsellors must be willing to and in every couple probe for worrying behaviours (e.g. "dating violence") during courting and be prepared to raise serious concerns about where such behaviours might lead. If abuse is disclosed the counsellors must be prepared to respond as seriously as to abuse after marriage and the wisdom of continuing with the wedding plans questioned. A little embarrassment may save a lifetime of pain and save one sinner in danger of rejection. These discussions should not be light-hearted or joked about – remember domestic abuse happens across the spectrum of brothers and sisters in the Ecclesia as across all of society.

Already our schools and youth settings have incorporated regular attention to relationships, the roles of men and women and marriage. This work needs to always include the counterpoint explicitly rejecting the myths that underpin domestic violence and ecclesias must use every opportunity to signal to victims that they will be believed, the Ecclesia will provide refuge and support victims. Prevention is better than cure.

# Discussion points

  1. How do we ensure that teaching of the scriptural roles of men and women in marriage especially around submission is properly balanced with the obligations of husbands and wives to show love in the relationship?

  2. How do we ensure husbands understand and accept their position of spiritual head of their home and teach attitudes and behaviours in accord with the teachings of Scripture and the example of Christ?

  3. How do we eliminate from the Ecclesial social setting the shame of marriage breakdown in cases of abuse, and direct the energy toward caring for the victim?

  4. How can we discern between repentance and the 'calm' phase of the cycle of abuse when responding to reports of abuse?

  5. How do we prepare ecclesial and brotherhood capabilities to support victims with brothers and sisters trained and able to provide help for victims that is distinct from marriage counselling and recognises the risks from the default responses generally used by ecclesias today?

# CHAPTER 3: How does family and domestic abuse hide in the Ecclesia?

_In the first chapter in this series we looked at 'Wolves in sheep's clothing' to establish that based on the warning of our Lord and the Apostles, we should not be too surprised to find examples of gross wickedness and evil amongst the flock. We discussed how it is difficult to discern the wolf because he is in sheep's clothing – he looks the part, he talks the part, he acts the part (at least in public). Our second chapter focused on the evil nature of domestic abuse. We now turn to exploring more of how the evil of family and domestic violence hides in the Ecclesia._

## A carefully cultivated environment

Abusers cultivate an environment in which to perpetrate their evil deeds. These are deeds done in secret, but the abuser protects himself from disclosure by a web of deceit and lies and by manipulation and control of his victim, his broader family and those who might know about his wickedness and disclose him.

Shame: A brother said about one case he was involved in, "She tells [people she trusts] that everything is much better. So what else can we do but believe her?" The sister was embarrassed by the abuse. She didn't want anyone to know, so concluded it was better to stay with the abuser than leave. Her abusing husband had responsibilities in the Ecclesia and she was unwilling to accept the shame both he and she would experience that his stepping down or being removed from responsibilities nor was she willing to face the shame of being seen to have deserted her marriage should she choose to leave him.

One experienced arranging brother said to me, "Why should a sister feel she would be shamed if she spoke out?" His words indicate he was yet to appreciate the level of control involved in abuse, despite having had to deal with a number of cases. He was at least sickened by domestic abuse. An older experienced couple said to a sister whose circumstance they knew well, "You know that if you leave [the abuser] there will be a stigma", and "You either get up and go, or make your marriage work". They were right on one count – there would be a stigma. They were wrong in suggesting that she was responsible for making her marriage work. These two independent examples when put together starkly demonstrate our reality – many of us are not sufficiently conscious of the fact that disclosure brings shame. This is a very high barrier to disclosure. We know the likely outcome of disclosure of serious cases of domestic abuse is marital separation and we cannot avoid the fact that separation is treated with shame in our community and often made to be the problem of the wife who left. Unfortunately, (to our shame) in too many cases sisters believe they will be the subject of gossip. While the departing abused wife suffers this, the abuser can attract sympathy. Whether or not this continues to be the case in the event they disclose the abuse, it is a fact that many sisters believe it to be the case. This belief shines a light on the culture in some ecclesias and exposes expectations that are fundamentally un-Christ-like. Such behaviour could be described as being complicit in the abuse.

Collectively and individually we need to look inwardly and weed out the roots of this expectation of shame and so build a climate in which victims' feelings of self-blame and shame are things of the past. This will take time because, as a community, sometimes we can be slow to change. We need to reassess our assumptions and reject fallacies such as the cause of the abuse is a nagging wife, or substance abuse, or cultural norms. These are only excuses and should be addressed directly as that. Even infidelity is not cause for domestic abuse. The response of Joseph to apparent infidelity in his wife to be, Mary (Matthew 1:19) was to ensure she did not bear any disgrace. There is no justification for abuse of any type. Domestic abuse is a control behaviour and never found in wholesome Christ-like relationships. Violence or abuse has no place in fulfilling the commandment that we love one another "as I have loved you" (John 13:34).

We must ensure we are supportive of victims so that there is no shame experienced by the victim in the Ecclesia's handling of the case and that the protection of the victim is our first and highest priority. We should say often that we will listen to victims and protect them. We should say often we will believe wives who claim they are being abused by their husbands until we categorically find otherwise. We should inform victims where to go to seek support from designated people both inside and outside the Brotherhood who can be approached easily. While individual situations of domestic abuse should never be talked about publicly especially in gossip, the subject of domestic abuse must not be a taboo.

We must learn to take personal responsibility to stop the spread of gossip. It is also a gross evil. Christ's example with the woman 'caught in adultery' in John 8 is notable in that he did not deign to repeat the accusation made against the woman. More distinctly he warned against every careless word we might speak (Matthew 12:36). Avoiding gossip is also the consistent exhortation of the apostles (Philippians 4:8; Ephesians 4:29; James 1:26; Titus 3:2; Romans 1:29). This requires every member of the Ecclesia to repudiate gossip, even as a listener. This will help change the culture that leads to the shame that is locking sisters in abusive relationships.

Misplaced love: The sister stays with her abusive spouse because she loves him and is committed to reforming him. She constantly forgives him and gives him another chance. She wants to save him, to have her husband with her in the Kingdom and so she doesn't leave.

We believe that the only appropriate response to sin is repentance and changing our ways. The only measure that an abuser has changed his ways is the genuine desertion of the abusive behaviours measured by the unanimous observation of those intimately aware over an extended period ("by their fruits ye shall know them" Matthew 7:17).

As we intimated in Chapter 1 and explore in Chapter 6, this can be facilitated by spiritual counsellors who work with the abuser to fully confess the extent of his behaviours, cataloguing them to provide a platform for a full confession. Such a confession will support victims to understand the abuser now sees the extent of the damage he has caused both to his victims and to himself.

The success of the abuser's rehabilitation based on the acknowledged sinful behaviours can be measured by those closest to the abuser. We will discuss this at more length in Chapter 5. This approach is constructive, transparent and a real opportunity for the abuser to participate fully in making the changes needed for rehabilitation.

To merely accept his tears, his apologies and his promises without the evidence of change of behaviour almost inevitably perpetuates the cycle of abuse, bringing more threats and intimidation, restricting future disclosure and driving the behaviour into darker and darker hidden corners.

_The victim must realise her abuser will not be saved until he acknowledges the extent of his controlling behaviours, names them as the gross sin that they are (indeed in many countries, their illegality) and takes positive steps such as engaging with professional help to overcome his behaviours. The Ecclesia should be willing to ensure this happens and to provide resources to help it happen. "Let the wicked forsake his_ _way"_ _(Isaiah 55:7). This might_ _require_ _that the wife leaves her husband to bring about the realisation of his wicked ways._

She will not be believed: She stays with her abusive spouse and never utters a word to anyone. She believes the Ecclesia will not believe her because the abuse has happened in secret and it is "her word against his". She believes her brothers and sisters love her husband – and they may - but it may be because the Ecclesia is also manipulated and controlled with the same finesse with which the abuser manipulates her. He does much work in the Ecclesia. He is loved for his help of the fatherless and widows and even his work with couples who have relationship problems. Despite this his abuse has led to a series of breakdowns in the past and he covers up her absence from the meeting with a quiet word that "she is not well at the moment" hinting at possible 'mental instability'.

In one case even a respected elder of the Ecclesia said of a victim that "she is mentally unstable". The implication is we should discount what she says or accept that this is the reason for the abuse. The couple's close friends are conditioned by his manipulation to accept this too and the abuser becomes in their mind the patient accepting husband. Instead of recognising the abuse, focusing on protecting the victim and holding the abuser accountable, they allow him to get away with his wickedness. Marriage counselling is suggested by the Arranging Brothers and the wife feels compelled to attend. At these sessions her forgiveness and her commitment to working through solutions becomes the focus - 'the elephant in the room' is never spoken of or acknowledged.

'Marriage problems' can be clearly distinguished from abuse: they are not characterised by manipulation and control and are not repeated patterns of behaviour that belittle, demean or threaten. Marriage problems may be characterised by disrespect by one or both partners of the other, failure to share and invest in the success of the partnership, prioritising selfish interests - including infidelity - ahead of the joint venture, and not so providing a Godly example to children. Such a range of problems often do have "two sides" and a joint effort to overcome them with support from counsellors is appropriate. In such situations neither partner is living in fear and they both have freedom to make decisions about what is best without fear of consequential abuse.

_This is a challenge to the Ecclesia. The Righteous Judge will not allow us to hide behind Matthew 18 if we ignored the plea of a victim of domestic abuse whether physical, psychological, emotional or financial. Counsellors need to be conscious of the signs of abusive relationships and ensure the safety and protection of victims. It is scriptural to act in protection of the victim if they make disclosure_ _without first trying to reconcile the couple_ _. After the 'heat' of proximity in time and space dies down the principles of justice and investigation can be followed more calmly. We must not be hasty to put couples "back together again". Given the barrier of shame and fear usually anticipated and experienced we are right to assume a victim is genuine in her disclosure. Further, given the nature of control and manipulation we should expect the result of putting the relationship back together again prematurely will result in the erection of new barriers to future disclosure and the perpetuation of the cycle of abuse (probably after a period of calm). We discuss this in more detail in Chapter 5._

Low self-esteem: She has internalized the abuse to such an extent that she believes all the insults her abuser levels at her. The constant belittling leads to her believing she really is incompetent, useless, unable to earn or manage money, survive on her own, a bad mother and is even ugly and unpleasing to everyone. Her self-confidence and self-esteem are destroyed; she feels worthless.

The Ecclesia's support of victims should include professional counselling to ensure the victim's self-esteem is overcome and she in no way blames herself for the abuse or any separation. The victim should be commended for the hard decision to expose the abuse and helped to feel she has no need to hide from the Ecclesia. If anyone is to be kept at a distance from the Ecclesia it should be the abuser. He must not be deserted, however. Brothers and sisters close to him must support him to face up to his problem.

This situation highlights the threat of the increasing disconnection between brothers and sisters and in society more generally that is a feature of today's world. In our busy lives we are less connected and involved with other brothers and sisters and families than in years gone by. Humanist societal tendencies mean privacy and individual rights tend to override close brotherly relationships – we have fewer close friends who know us well. Situations like domestic abuse highlight how important it is that we can bear one another's burdens and confess our sins one to another -those relationships are gold.

Economic dependence: She does not believe she has enough money or can earn enough to support herself and their children. She believes she must put up with the violence in order to survive economically.

The Ecclesia needs to recognise this is the possible situation of the victim and be clear and insistent that the Ecclesia will provide the needed support so that she comes to believe this. That support may need to include financial support and accommodation (like in the cities of refuge), as well as assisting the sister with any areas of her life where she needs skills to get by. We should follow the example of the cities of refuge by making emergency accommodation plans and putting aside resources so the Ecclesia is prepared for such an eventuality. We should be explicit in our commitment to provide financial support and accommodation for any sister experiencing domestic abuse and be prepared to do this over long periods of time if necessary.

The Ecclesia would do well to facilitate the abuser moving out of the marital home. These types of arrangements are sometimes mandated as part of Domestic Violence Orders of the courts. This may mean the abuser requires the Ecclesia's financial support.

If threats of continuing physical violence occur, the victim should be encouraged and supported to report the matter to the appropriate authorities.

The children: She doesn't leave because she sees her children love their father, and so she stays for the children's sake. Abusive fathers even cultivate the children's affection to make sure their mother will not leave him. They often drive a wedge between children and their mother, for instance by using subtle pressure and derogatory language about her to his children. One abusive father disclosed to another brother that he told his children in his wife's presence that she would not be in the Kingdom.

Raising children in a violent home is one of the worst things a parent can do for her children. Small boys learn patterns of abusive behaviour from their fathers, and girls learn how to be submissive and accept abuse. We must protect the children. In speaking about domestic abuse we must openly discuss the impact on children both to their mental wellbeing now and their future life in Christ. Unfortunately, the damage caused to young minds (and in all likelihood, being or becoming victims of domestic abuse themselves) is far more serious for children than a period away from their father.

When victims justify staying in the abusive relationship on the basis that they are doing it for the children's sake we should gently remind them of the effect of this decision on their children. We must ensure as ecclesias we are ready to support children including getting them professional help when cases arise. They are often traumatised by the events they witness.

God hates divorce: She stays because she believes that it is wrong to separate from her abusive husband. She knows God hates divorce and she doesn't want to offend God.

It is worth thinking through the implications of this thought. Can we really imagine that God wants her to stay in a violent relationship? Can we imagine Jesus coming across a woman with a black eye and her arm in a sling, or a woman emotionally and psychologically 'beaten to a pulp' and saying to her that she had to return to her husband? Separation is not divorce and separation for any form of domestic abuse is not divorce. There should be no stigma that the victim has left the husband – it is not the husband she has left but the abuse. While we must strive to avoid gossip, if it does occur we should be strong in supporting the sister against vilification ensuring she receives the help and protection she needs. Gossipers should be told that they have no right to discuss the subject, that they do not know what is going on and that it is sinful to gossip like that. They should be encouraged to learn about domestic abuse and its impact on victims.

Arranging brothers need to be discerning and aware of the nature of domestic abuse and of the effects of fear and shame. We must not be complicit in perpetuating the abuse with trite sayings like, "It takes two", or using a "bargaining" context in relationship counselling inferring that the wife needs to make changes as if she is to blame. It is the abuser's manipulation and control that must be the only focus. This is not a "relationship issue" and must never be equated with one as we have highlighted earlier.

If and when the husband acknowledges the extent of his abusive behaviour, seeks professional help, demonstrates true rejection of abusive choices and repentance over time and when the abused wife is confident she will not be abused again, and wishes to return, relationship counselling and a slow and careful attempt to remake the marriage would generally seem to be in keeping with the principles of marriage. The Ecclesia must be prepared to help over a very long period. If we are helping many years later it is nothing to be sad or pained about – it is a much better outcome, assuming the abuse has ended than sisters losing faith because the Ecclesia didn't help them.

Suffering for the Kingdom of Heaven's sake: She stays because she believes it is her lot in life and that God has brought these circumstances on her as a suffering to endure as our Lord did on the cross for us.

_It is true our Lord suffered but he suffered as God's servant: he suffered at the hands of wicked men; he suffered as a_ _consequence_ _of his righteousness, including his defence of the poor (e.g. Matthew 15:3-10; Matthew 11:28); he challenged those in power to reform their ways and be compassionate, including in marriage (Mark 10:1-10). The suffering Jesus asks of his disciples is that which comes as a consequence of their being faithful to the truth, of being committed to right injustice and defending the poor. Jesus suffered because he challenged those in power to reform their ways and to be compassionate; this suffering is also sacrifice. If victims rationalise their plight in this way we should point out that Christ's words, "Blessed are they that are persecuted for righteousness's sake" clarify the context of the suffering we are called to endure. Suffering evil at the hand of someone professing godliness only perpetuates the evil and is not something we can imagine our Lord Jesus Christ accepting in any of his servants._

## Sometimes our hands are tied

These are just some of the ways in which domestic abuse hides in the Ecclesia and some strategies for bringing it to light. Unfortunately, some of these reasons for abuse being hidden are rooted in shame and fear – overwhelming shame and fear such that many victims never bring themselves to disclosing the nature of their reality. Even when they do, they may not be able to bring themselves to acting or reporting to authorities or allowing ecclesial action. We might often feel like our hands are tied and those who know of the abuse may themselves become targets for manipulation and threats. It seems that control and manipulation is often not just in the family and domestic domain, but is a behaviour evident by bullying behaviour and insistence in getting one's own way in ecclesial and work situations as well.

## False Choices

Those who are experiencing domestic abuse often feel they have no real choices: they feel they cannot both honour God and report abuse; to rely on prayer and divine intervention would exclude seeking professional help as lacking in faith. This is wrong. There is an urgency that the abuse ceases. There is an urgency that those who need protection from abuse receive it and receive support including professional help to restore their confidence, self-esteem, hope and joy that is to be found in this life and the life to come. It is the Ecclesia's obligation to be a place of protection, of love and support as we bear one another's burdens. In every aspect of our ecclesial affairs we need to reflect our Father whose "eyes are on the righteous and his ears open to their cry...the Lord hears and delivers them... and is near to the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34).

# Discussion points

  1. How can we educate sisters to reject the myths and 'false choices' that are keeping some trapped in abusive situations thinking they are doing what God calls upon them to do, that they are helping their husband or helping their children?

  2. How do we ensure that all our sisters know that the Ecclesia will provide for their material needs including safe refuge, financial resources and companionship and support if they do choose to leave an abusive husband?

  3. How do we ensure that we do not allow ourselves to be part of the cultivated environment that abusers create that is a barrier to victims feeling able to report their abuse or consider leaving the abusive situation?

# CHAPTER 4: The Ecclesia's response: refuge for the victim

_So far we have looked at the nature of wolves in sheep's clothing, and particularly the effect of family and domestic abuse in the Ecclesia. We have seen how the problem hides in the brotherhood, that this is a problem that needs to be brought into the light and how we can prepare the Ecclesia to be a true place of refuge._

Our priority needs to be caring for the victim and in this chapter we review what is needed to do this.

## Ecclesial Responsibility

I believe the Ecclesia has responsibilities when a claim of domestic abuse is made. Responsibilities relevant to the situation include:

  1. Caring for and supporting the victims and ensuring their safety;

  2. Responsibilities to the law of the land including reporting risks of child abuse;

  3. Making investigation which should be approached with great caution and only if appropriate with the agreement of the victim and not in any way conflict with any investigation being conducted by the authorities;

  4. Caring for the alleged abuser with love and compassion;

  5. When appropriate, rebuilding broken family relationships;

  6. Caring for the abuser and attempting to lead him to repentance and reconciliation.

Each of these responsibilities has been listed in an order of priority and in this and the following chapters we seek to establish a scriptural approach for each of them along with discussing their connection to the challenge of restoring the abuser. In many situations it will be possible to address a number of these priorities in parallel.

## The primacy of victim safety

Ensuring the **safety of the victims** , whether it be from risk of physical violence or risk of ongoing psychological violence must be the immediate priority. It is imperative this in the forefront of the minds of everybody involved. Importantly however, this does not extend to taking action that is not supported by the victims. Instead it is important that what we do, (in the case of adult victims) is discussed and agreed to by the victims. Regardless of what we think is the best for an adult victim, we must respect their wishes, challenging as this may be.

Support may include help for the victim(s) to leave the abuser, and support to obtaining Domestic Violence Orders (or whatever they may be called in the relevant jurisdiction), including orders requiring the abuser to move out of the family home. These actions may have a direct impact upon the abuser. The fundamental character of the abuser is manipulator and controller. It follows that efforts to manipulate and control will be directed toward those involved in supporting the victim. This might include character assassination, lies and other subversion as well as making demands about the abuser's "entitlements". This might include an entitlement to state their case, to bring witnesses (probably others who have been manipulated including family and friends) and even claiming they are the victim while painting their victim as the real abuser.

As an aside, past cases have shown there are risks to those who get involved in these cases including threats of personal violence and threats of legal action for defamation. Personal safety should not be ignored, but of course 'looking every man on the things of others' demands we selflessly do everything we can for the safety of the victims. We have discussed in earlier chapters that it is the Ecclesia's responsibility to be a place of refuge. One of these responsibilities is confidentiality which must be always maintained \- both for the sake of the victims and of the alleged abuser.

## Believing the victim

As we have emphasised repeatedly, when a report of abuse is made, we should accept what the alleged victim is telling us. We should also accept we have could real barriers to (and indeed biases against) believing the victim. Remember, an abuser is a wolf in sheep's clothing. It follows we should expect to be shocked and in disbelief when they are named as an abuser.

## Confidentiality of the report

Even though we begin by believing the victim, it does not follow that we have an obligation to disclose the charge to the abuser at this stage.

The fact that a victim has left her partner and/or is in distress is reason enough to engage with the abuser about some sort of problem he has, and explore what he thinks is the cause. Experience has shown that by using open questions to look for characteristic excuses, exploring those excuses then through the detail of the relationship between victim and abuser sensitively, slowly, gently and respectfully that in many cases the abuser will disclose sufficient to characterise the problem as abuse. He can be brought to see it for what it really is. We speak more about this process of investigation and engagement with abusers in Chapter 6.

## Warning the victim

As a brother said to me about one case, "Not even our friends will help". We need to be warning victims that the abuser is likely to be marshalling forces to "win her back" from those who are trying "to break up his marriage". He will be calling old friends to tell them she has left. He will set them up to call her to tell how reprehensible it is for her to leave him. They will make her feel even more shame than she does already.

By warning her that this sort of thing can be expected and helping set her up to be able to face such personal affronts is an important part of supporting her. Things she can do include referring people making those statements to the brothers and sisters involved in supporting her. These brothers and sisters can point out to the meddling and possibly well-intentioned "friends" that they have only heard one side of the story. It should be added that what is happening would not be discussed but they should allow the Ecclesia to deal with the issue appropriately and confidentially. In addition, they might be told that while the husband needs their support, they should not plead his case, and further that it is a real and serious issue that has lead the wife to leave her husband and they should say no more.

## Involving professional counsellors

Realising the limits of our abilities and experience is important, regardless of how well-meaning we may be. The victim, her children and the abuser may need various forms of professional help. Ecclesias should offer to support this financially where needed.

Professional counsellors are skilled and experienced – involving them is likely to accelerate the processes involved which could be a good basis for improving the likelihood of better outcomes.

Facilitating access to professional domestic violence counselling for the victim should be considered a high priority action but only with the victim's consent. The counsellor's experience in assessing the seriousness of what they see not only avoids ignorance of potential risks, but also helps victims get their experiences into perspective.

Facilitating access to professional counsellors for abusers (sometimes called perpetrators) may require that the subject is raised sensitively with the abuser to maximise the chances they are receptive to the idea. Emotive terms such as "abuser, "perpetrator", "wicked", "evil" and "criminal" should be avoided. Some services offer a single integrated counselling service for both victim and abuser. This appears to work well.

The victim and the abuser should anticipate that many professional counsellors may not be "Christian", but also remember it would be rare for a counsellor to criticise a client's faith and beliefs. Humanist or not, their assessment and advice to maintain safety (for the victim) and to recognise and work through with the abuser their attitudes and behaviours is only likely to challenge wrong attitudes and misconceptions about scriptural teaching as we have detailed earlier.

Professionals sometimes criticise the Ecclesial culture that leads to various victim or abuser attitude. Some of the criticism I have heard is in line with my observations in this paper so we should not be dismissive. They may suggest, and perhaps even in most cases recommend the victim leave the abuser. They may arrange for the abuser to vacate the family home with a Domestic Violence Order in place. Whilst many victims might feel there is something wrong about this, as I have said earlier, we are not called on to endure domestic abuse or to stay with a violent husband. A counsellor may suggest it is important the children do not see their father. Again, victims may be uncomfortable with this thought, but we need to remember that his abusive behaviours may be very damaging to the children's future life chances and their prospects for eternal life.

A counsellor may recommend a Domestic Violence Order be sought. This is usually based on the counsellor's formal risk assessment process when it determines the wife and children's safety is at risk. I see no reason not to take this advice very seriously.

As a side benefit when such recommendations are made by a professional counsellor rather than a brother or sister it removes the opportunity for the abuser to blame a brother or sister or the Ecclesia for "breaking up the marriage", or "encouraging her to leave". This should not stop us doing either if it is warranted and there is no professional counsellor involved.

A professional counsellor who has spent time with the victim knows the extent of the abuse and can lead an abuser to realise the full extent of their abusive behaviours, the impact of them and help develop a behavioural change program.

The fact an abuser is participating in professional counselling is no guarantee they have a changed heart, and both victim and the Ecclesia should expect to see "fruits meet for repentance" over an extended period of time before accepting there is genuine change. Abusers are manipulative people, especially if they recognise that they have been found out. They can be compliant with the counselling program, but not really reject their abusive behaviours. There is a lot of data available on the effectiveness of abuser counselling programs. These studies (mostly in the context of mandated participation by the courts) have found high levels of recidivism. There is no room for complacency just because an abuser is getting counselling.

A victim and her children may also require psychological counselling to help them recover from the severe damage to their self-esteem and self-confidence. Again, the Ecclesia should encourage this and financially support it if required.

## Supporting the victim

As mentioned assisting the victim may involve supporting them to make a report to civil authorities. We must allow them to do what they need to do. Remember, however, the authorities will generally engage with the alleged abuser who will be trying to determine who made the report.

More generally we should resist the urge to think it can be handled quickly and to attempt to handle it that way. We must not counsel the victim to offer quick forgiveness and seek for fast reconciliation.

Ecclesias must seriously consider who is best positioned to provide ongoing and close support for the victim. This may include her family, but when that is not possible or the family has turned against her, the Ecclesia needs to be ready to support and can expect this may require an ongoing and long term commitment. It is a selfless task and requires a generous spirit, patience and resilience but is surely the epitome of the life Christ has called us to.

Supporting the victim is likely to require a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on and a willingness to help the victim through many confronting thoughts and changes in their life. It may require late night phone calls, emergency accommodation and much heartache.

## The involvement of sisters

Ecclesias should not minimise the role of sisters here. There is no scriptural reason for them not to be fully involved as equal partners in the process. As the victim is likely to be female she should not be put in the position where she is the only present female in the process as this can be intimidating in the extreme.

In the Royal Commission into Child Sexual Abuse Royal Commission Jehovah's Witnesses Case Study the JWs were criticised for failing to involve women in their response process. For the same reasons they attracted this criticism it is wrong for us to expect that somehow victims of domestic violence must only be helped by brothers. When we do fail to involve sisters we are showing insensitivity to the victim's plight. Why should she trust men when a man has done these things to her? A sister can bring a perspective a man is unlikely to bring.

We can run the danger at times of not using the massive skill and experience base sisters have, including the many private conversations they may have had with sisters in need. I have had sisters approach me who are each supporting three and four sisters suffering domestic abuse who have not been able to bring themselves to reporting that abuse.

At times the best way might be through a married couple or a brother and sister together being involved, but even in this situation the sisters should participate fully in a way that allows their insights and guidance of the dialogue to be utilised.

Needless to say individual brothers should avoid being alone with sisters or their children in the various activities involved in responding to a case.

## Responsibilities to the law of the land

We know from Romans 13:1-7 everyone must submit to the governing authorities for there is no authority except that which God has established. Many cases of domestic abuse are tangibly dangerous environments for children that fall within the definitions of child safety legislation. This means they must be formally reported to authorities. Whilst a much broader subject than this paper has space for, ecclesias and individual brothers and sisters must be aware of their responsibilities to the law of the land. Normally these disclosures legally require confidentiality on the part of the reporter and the authorities. Despite this, circumstances can still make it obvious to the abuser who has done the reporting. When the authorities question the abuser or children involved, and the abuser is aware of it, the manipulative and controlling fundamental character can come to the fore.

## What are signs we may see in a friend that may point to abuse?

The following based on material on the Domestic Violence Resource Centre Victoria website (dvcrv.org.au) and is used with their kind permission.

The following may be signs someone is being abused:

  * She seems afraid of her husband or is always very anxious to please him;

  * She has stopped seeing her friends or family, or cuts phone conversations short when her husband is in the room;

  * Her husband often criticises her or humiliates her in front of other people;

  * She says her husband pressures or forces her to do sexual things she finds unacceptable;

  * Her husband often orders her about or makes all the decisions (for example, he controls all the money, tells her who she can see and what she can do);

  * She often talks about her husband's 'jealousy', 'bad temper' or 'possessiveness';

  * She has become anxious or depressed, has lost her confidence, or is unusually quiet;

  * She has physical injuries (bruises, broken bones, sprains, cuts etc and gives unlikely explanations for physical injuries;

  * Her children seem afraid of their father, have behavioural problems, or are very withdrawn or anxious;

  * She is reluctant to leave her children with her husband.

In addition to these signs we may actually witness incidents of domestic abuse. It may be hard to discern if they are just a single disconnected incident or part of a consolidated pattern of behaviour. In any event they are un-Christlike behaviours and we ought to note them.

## How to raise the subject

If we witness an incident or suspect a case of domestic abuse we must approach the victim sensitively with an expression of care for their well-being, and in a way that does not reveal our concern to the abuser. We can anticipate the victim may not be ready to talk about it immediately, but a caring approach reduces the likelihood of our making the situation worse. When we have opportunity we can tell her that the abuser's behaviour is not acceptable. She may be thinking her husband's behaviour is normal and by saying that violence is not acceptable we may help her understanding and open her thinking. By telling her she is not deserving of abuse we may give her the self-confidence to realise it is not her fault.

When there is no incident witnessed we might be able to say (in our own words) something like, "I am worried about you because I've noticed you seem withdrawn and unhappy lately". We shouldn't be surprised if her response is defensive or if our offer of support is rejected. This could be because of fear and shame, not wanting to be a burden on others or difficulty trusting people. We must avoid being overly insistent and if at first our approach is rejected, not to take it personally but to keep in regular contact with her.

If she is uncomfortable discussing her situation we should quietly let her know that if she ever wants to talk we will be there for her. We must be patient and look for signs she wants to tell us what is happening to her.

If she is willing to talk to us we need to listen to what she says, and believe her. We should avoid giving strong advice or pressuring her to leave her husband. Rather, and only when appropriate, we might help her explore her options and decide upon a course of action that will protect her and her children.

We need to help her recognise the abuse and the impact it may be having on her and her children. Our support to help her understand it is not her fault and help her build her self-confidence will be vital to her in deciding to act to end the abuse.

Here are some examples of what we might say with minimal risk to our relationship with her:

How do you feel about the way he is treating you?  
Is there something I can do to help you?  
How do you think his behaviour has affected you?  
How do you think his behaviour is affecting your children?

Are you worried about what he could do to you or the children?  
What do you think you should do?  
What are you afraid of if you leave?  
What are you afraid of if you stay?

## Practical help

It may not be enough just to provide verbal and emotional support. A sister in this situation may need to make appointments with various places to get help, and organise her affairs related to separating from her husband. We can offer practical help like looking after her children, providing a safe place to stay and providing transport.

## What if I witness potentially abusive un-Christlike behaviour?

If we witness an incident of un-Christlike behaviour we should be ready to express our discomfit with it to the person doing it in a Christ-like way. We should not accuse them of domestic abuse, but we should be wary and on the look-out for other signs. If we see unrestrained anger, for instance, we should be particularly concerned if his anger was solely directed at his wife and there was no evidence of him being generally angry or irritable at the time. We should take written notes of what happened and the time and place, including of the names of other people who were there. Having witnessed such an incident we should approach the victim when the husband is not with her and express our concern and explore whether this is an isolated incident or there is evidence of a pattern of abuse as I mentioned earlier. We should be seriously concerned to hear justification, excuses or self-blame and monitor the situation.

## What if I witness or overhear physical violence or threats?

If you have opportunity to speak to her away from the abuser or at another time ask whether or not she would like your help to call the Police and/or ask your Arranging Brothers or welfare committee.

You can call a domestic violence service like (in Australia) the 24/7 National Domestic & Family Violence Counselling Service (e.g. 1800RESPECT) to find out about how else you can help in the circumstances.

If you believe there is immediate danger, and that a victim or her children may be harmed call the Police. It is better to do this than to have the wife and/or children injured or even murdered.

# Discussion points

  1. How might we balance the need to believe the victim while providing fairness to the abuser ahead of a report of abuse to police?

  2. How can the Ecclesia provide secure places of refuge for victims without incurring gossip within our ecclesia or wider community?

  3. What preparations can we make to help victims who report abuse? Who should we call? Where would we go for professional help if needed?

  4. Where are the capabilities and resources of the Ecclesia and brothers and sisters of other ecclesias that can be catalogued in preparation should the need arise?

# CHAPTER 5: The Ecclesia's response: saving the abuser

_Our Lord came to save the lost and to call sinners to repentance and the challenge of restoring the abuser while respecting the victim is the focus of this chapter._

## How to support the abuser

Whilst prioritising the safety, care and support of the victim and her children the Ecclesia should, in parallel, ensure that suitable brothers and sisters are assigned the task of caring for the abuser. Perhaps they experience of similar situations, but remember, this is not the place for a well-meaning novice. Ideally support people should not be his close family as what could be revealed may be very confronting and it is important support people possess a degree of emotional distance from the abuser.

In some cases reports of abuse, usually from the victim, become known quite widely. Those involved in responding to a case should be very careful not to reveal the detail of allegations and the confidentiality of the victim's report must be respected. We must anticipate and prepare for pressure to reveal the allegations – pressure from the abuser, his family and friends, for instance. There is no obligation to defend the Ecclesia's action or to explain the seriousness of the allegations. Even the fact of an allegation of domestic abuse should not be revealed except on a strict need-to-know basis, for example, relevant State authorities. This respects and protects both abuser and victim. Widespread knowledge of and gossip about cases of domestic abuse helps nobody. Again, the same consistent line that the Ecclesia does not discuss these cases is the best response if enquiries are made. Some brothers have told me that this may be unrealistic, however I believe it would be workable and a stance consistent with scripture, especially given the suggestions about handling cases in Chapter 7. If it were the Ecclesia's policy and therefore the standard response when detail was sought we are showing more respect for the victim so being careful not to exacerbate the inevitable shame she will be feeling and possibly making repentance on the part of the abuser a little easier.

## Dealing with manipulation and control

The shame and grief we speak of, and the trademark manipulation of the abuser mean that in all cases it is important we ensure that the abuser has help to change for the sake of his family and his relationship with God. When direct contact with victim(s) is not possible abusers have been known to manipulate them by threatening self-harm. If the abuser is feeling a sense of helplessness, despair or desperation, social isolation, threatens or displays signs of depression or self-harm they should be referred to telephone support hotlines (in Australia, Lifeline (13 11 14) or similar services in other countries) remembering that the hotline can be called by any concerned person. Whether this sort of professional help is needed or not, it is important to ensure there are brothers and/or sisters, keeping close to the abuser and supporting him through a very difficult time.

## Abuser support ground rules

The ground rules for those supporting the abuser are:

  1. The victim's whereabouts must never be disclosed – this may require a certain hygiene like ensuring those working with the abuser do not know where she is;

  2. Maintain an awareness of any threats to personal safety and be willing to call the police without hesitation if there are any concerns;

  3. Never tell the abuser the victim's allegations or plans including plans to get court orders – this might also require a similar hygiene about the details of the victim's allegations. Enough to premise offers of help by acknowledging he is in a stressful situation because the victim has left him and you are there to help him;

  4. Never discuss the case with those not involved;

  5. Do not hold discussions before or after ecclesial meetings – meet discretely elsewhere;

  6. Keep him calm by avoiding confrontation, staying relaxed, friendly and supportive. Remind him that it will all get sorted out in time despite the anxiety and even fear he might feel. Explore with him the sort of help he might need;

  7. Never acknowledge his excuses and minimisation. Brace yourself so as not to nod the head, show agreement or express sympathy with wrong attitudes etc. Acknowledge that you understand what he is saying, but never use language of agreement, acceptance or sympathy;

  8. Encourage him to disclose why his victim would leave and why she would be upset or distressed. Tell him that if he can discuss that with you, you might be in a better position to help;

  9. If he is demanding immediate action say that he must understand that his wife needs time to prayerfully consider her situation and that she is in great distress;

  10. Write down all confessions, minimisations and excuses and any details provided. These may be evidence of value to courts or the Ecclesia's investigation but also highlight inconsistencies or lies which may break down the web of deceit;

  11. Take a serious interest in and listen closely to what he says. In the conversation use largely 'open' questioning (Who..., When..., Where..., Why..., What...). Seek to get him to provide his own explanations about why he is in this situation and why his wife might be feeling the way she is. Do not put words into his mouth;

  12. Don't rush and be prepared for the long haul.

## Avoiding being complicit in the abuse

As mentioned earlier, remembering that manipulation and control is at the heart of domestic abuse we can appreciate that forcing the victim to confront their abuser is wrong. There is nothing that can justify allowing the fear, shame, degradation and abuse of the victim to continue either physically or psychologically. We are used to following Christ's instruction about dealing with brothers who have wronged us (e.g. Matthew 18), but as shown above we disregard the very priorities of Christ's ministry by slavish adherence to its application in this case. The time for recovery and reconciliation is in the future. We cannot think that our Lord would allow such a travesty as immediately putting the abuser and victim together whatever the reason, yet often this is our default response.

The reasons for this might include:

  * thinking we are following scriptural principles by raising an issue we have with another person,

  * protecting and defending the marriage from risk of failure, or

  * quickly moving to action to contain any potential scandal in the meeting.

These are not reasons to put the victim together with the abuser. They are a misunderstanding of the principles that underpin our life in Christ. Thinking that Matthew 18 applies in this case is not caring for the disadvantaged as Christ would have us; perpetuating the cycle of abuse is not protecting the marriage from risk of failure; moving to action without getting evidence for the breadth of the abuse just ensures that when it is finally revealed there will be yet more scandal in the meeting.

## Professional counsellors

We have discussed professional help for abusers in the previous chapter in the context of its impact on the victim, particularly. These are additional thoughts to those about an abusers involvement with professional counsellors.

It is difficult to be sure that an abuser has changed. Helping abusers understand the true nature of their behaviour and develop new patterns of behaviour requires professional assistance such as through domestic violence intervention programs. In the case of incidents coming before the courts such programs are often court-mandated.

Ecclesias should investigate local services that may be available and relevant and be willing to financially or in other appropriate ways help an abuser engage with such a service or a suitably experienced psychologist. Obtaining the abuser's early commitment to participating in and seeing the program through to completion is a valuable step toward rehabilitation but not one which is sufficient on its own. There is a need to remain close to the abuser and be ready to support the professional counselling with spiritual counselling.

As we do with professional advice in any area of life we should listen carefully to what is being said. We should not allow suspicion of psychologists and psychiatrists to lead to us missing out on the benefit of their experience in managing human behaviours and their experience with domestic abuse.

## Spiritual help

Scriptural forgiveness follows confession and repentance (1 John 1:9) but the consequences of sins will remain. One such consequence might be Domestic Violence Orders which require abusers to maintain a distance from victims and not to contact them. Even without such legal orders, it may also be wise to ensure that ecclesial or inter-ecclesial activities are not a place where victims might meet their abuser. Ecclesias do well to consider these situations and the consequence for abusers of being barred from ecclesial functions including the memorial meeting. Ecclesias should consider obtaining undertakings from the abuser about their compliance with such restrictions.

The corollary is that the Ecclesia may need to support the spiritual life of the abuser and ensure he does not suffer unnecessary social isolation. This may require a roster of brothers and sisters to share the memorial meeting with the abuser at their home, to have him for dinner or keep in contact with him. Assistance must include praying with him for his confession, repentance and recovery and for God's help in his efforts to overcome controlling behaviours and violence.

Everyone involved in this support needs to be vigilant to maintain "good hygiene". By this we mean that they need to be people who will hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and not accept their excuses, pity-plays or rationalisations. The abuse needs to be named as his problem consistently (and not the victim's). It needs to be constantly said that as long as he perpetrates violence he is a gross sinner.

## Counselling the abuser

There is no doubt that the behaviour of abusers is complex and the extent to which abuse 'becomes' a typical behaviour makes dealing with them a very challenging responsibility. It is essential we acknowledge our limitations and be careful not to allow our good intentions to cloud our realisation that counselling an abuser may be well beyond our ability. Hence the importance of engaging with professional assistance.

In some ways this is unfortunate. Being able to combine professional help with spiritual help would surely be the ideal situation. There are a small number of brothers and sisters with such qualifications and experience and their labour has been most effective. We should not hesitate in encouraging the abuser to contact them. The brotherhood would do well to support the development of brothers and sisters with these skills including sponsoring suitable willing brothers and sisters to undertake formal training. Nevertheless we all have a responsibility to be better prepared to support victims and abusers.

## Spiritual Counsellors

Spiritual counsellors must be ready for disappointment and shock. Abuse is a behaviour protected by practiced deception. Spiritual counsellors should expect to be lied to, expect a changing story as there is more and more disclosure and more and more recognition by the abuser of the impact of their behaviours.

Spiritual counsellors should play close attention to the excuses offered and note them in detail. Often excuses will need working through at a later time including teaching again the first principles of the Christ-life and how, where appropriate, excuses demonstrate a misconception of what following Christ entails. The biblical references in this paper, when used gently and carefully may slowly bring the abuser to realise his sin, to confess and repent. I would recommend that the process involve the abuser writing down the insights he gains into what he has done, his confessions and the changes he intends to make in his life. Such personal documentation can become the basis for review with him, and for him to share with appropriate others as the need arises.

Spiritual counsellors should also be wary of enthusiasticly accepting contrition and repentance. Of course it is good to see and to hear of the letters abusers write to the victim apologising, but we need to be wary of is that this is not the "buy-back" phase of a continuing cycle.

# Discussion points

  1. How can ecclesias prepare Arranging Brothers, welfare committees, and other capable brothers and sisters to provide good support to potential abusers?

  2. What training can the Ecclesia provide for members and Arranging Brothers?

  3. Where professional services for abusers are available in the local area?

# CHAPTER 6: Investigation & discipline

In this final chapter we address how ecclesias might balance the need of investigation and possible fellowship action while providing confidentiality and safety for the victim.

## Abusers and qualifications for ecclesial responsibilities

A consequence of accepting the nature of domestic abuse and that abusers are wolves in sheep's clothing is the acceptance that such brothers do not meet the qualifications for service in the Ecclesia. As mentioned in our first chapter, abusers should be stood down from ecclesial service until they show "fruits meet for repentance" (Matthew 3:8, Galatians 5:22-23; Ephesians 5:9, Philippians 1:11) and, ideally, successful completion of a domestic violence intervention program. Genuine repentance must be evident. There is no more suitable evidence than the victim and those closest to the victim agreeing that those fruits are well in evidence and that the old ways are no longer feared.

There may well also be inter-ecclesial impacts. The abuser's ecclesia should obtain the agreement of the abuser that they will not undertake duties in other ecclesias or undertake mission work (for instance) without first obtaining the approval of their Arranging Brothers. The Arranging Brothers should obtain the agreement of the abuser that they will not be involved in preparing people for baptism or marriage or otherwise engaging in 'pastoral' work. Work that they may have been doing should be relinquished to other suitable people. If this is not forthcoming the abuser should be stood down from all ecclesial responsibilities and, and where the abuser has been serving in other ecclesias and with organisations such as the Bible Mission, those ecclesias and organisations should be informed that the abuser's home ecclesia no longer has confidence in him. There should be no necessity to say why this is.

## Fellowship

Fellowship action is ecclesial discipline to recover the sinner. It is one way the Ecclesia signals that it cannot share in the evil deeds that have been done. It signals that the Ecclesia considers there has been a breakdown in fellowship between the sinner and his God and is aimed at heightening their awareness of the consequences of their sin.

When considering domestic abuse we need to remember that the true extent of the abuse is not always disclosed or even perceived by the victim.

We need to remember physical violence is not a good indicator of the seriousness of the abuse. Physical violence often provides physical evidence corroborating the victim's report. This may make investigations easier than where there is no physical violence, but the measure of the seriousness of the abuse is the effect on the victim – her well-being, her state of mind and her feelings about her safety. In this respect we are in a better position than the authorities. The authorities recognise the issue and write laws including all forms of domestic abuse but when it comes to law enforcement they have limited resources and capacity for extended involvement – they tend to action only cases where there is physical violence or threats of physical violence to the victim or their children. As the family of God we should abhor both physical and psychological violence and work assiduously to support the victim, investigate the case and hopefully, restore the abuser.

Ecclesial discipline including removal from duties (except temporarily while investigations are made) and withdrawal of fellowship should be on the basis of the outcome of careful and prayerful consideration with clear findings.

## The relationship with law enforcement

As I have indicated a number of times in this paper, ecclesias ought to support a victim wishing to report domestic abuse to the police and to get domestic violence order(s) put in place to provide for her safety. This may have the consequence that the police undertake an investigation and lay charges.

It is important to be clear about the Ecclesia's role in undertaking investigations and how they relate to the investigations of the police or other authorities. The Ecclesial investigations should not impede the investigations of the authorities in any way. This could happen if:

  * the abuser is alerted to the victim's allegations – doing this may even be illegal;

  * if leading questions or coaching is used with witnesses or the victim that may taint evidence otherwise admissible in the courts;

  * physical evidence that police may consider part of crime scenes is tainted.

This may have a detrimental effect upon the victim's ability to get the desired orders or the police to provide for the safety of the community and to comply with the Law.

The purpose of the Ecclesia's investigation is to ensure ecclesial discipline is just, and effective at restoring the abuser's relationship with his God. The Ecclesia's investigation is targeted at a complete and fulsome confession and repentance and the Ecclesia's patience in obtaining this, and making it of secondary priority to the police investigations and the safety of the victims is also a marked difference from the police who can use coercive powers and evidence law to make a case for prosecution. The legal processes tend to be confrontational whereas the Ecclesia does well to minimise confrontation. The legal process focuses on evidence – the Ecclesial process can focus on the effects on the victim and the abuser's responses to them.

It is conceivable that the confessions of the abuser to the Ecclesia's representatives handling the case might be confessions of serious criminal conduct. In New South Wales the law expressly requires that this information is reported to the police. While 'concealment' provisions are not found in other states' legislation we have a moral obligation to respect the broader safety of the community if there is risk to other victims and report such concerns to the police.

## Restoring for the abuser

If it becomes necessary, the purpose of withdrawal of fellowship is the restoration of the abuser. As difficult as the task may seem we have a responsibility to attempt this. James didn't say we should avoid trying to help "die-hard manipulators":

" _Brethren, if any of you do err from the truth, and one convert him;_

_Let him know, that he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death, and shall hide a multitude of sins"_ (James 5:19-20)

And Paul didn't provide an exception for complex, difficult or dangerous cases when he said,

" _Warn them that are unruly"  
_ (1 Thessalonians 5:14).

Similarly, when Paul requires us to judge the things that pertain to this life rather than going to law before the unjust, he doesn't circumscribe the types of cases involved (1 Corinthians 6:1-3). Indeed, he says we have a responsibility to make judgement that the offender may be saved in the day of the Lord (1 Corinthians 5:5).

If we need to get a perspective on this responsibility to the abuser we can go to no better example than our Lord with Judas. Judas was a manipulator even to the point of betraying his Lord with a kiss, and our Lord knew his true nature yet washed his feet along with the other disciples.

## Investigating Domestic Abuse – judging rightly

The situation of domestic abuse requires an alternative approach to the Ecclesia's investigations of other behaviour requiring spiritual discipline. In most cases the process of Matthew 18 is followed. We know it well.

The difficulty men have in making judgements is highlighted by Isaiah's description of Messiah with the implicit contrast to human judgement which shows how careful we need to be. A corollary of this is the need to take time to judge because of the influences of the natural man.

_He shall not judge after the sight of his eyes, neither reprove after the hearing of his ears: But with righteousness shall he judge the poor, and reprove with equity for the meek of the earth._ (Isaiah 11:3)

This is not some lovely and ethereal set of words but something we need to struggle to do if we are to take on and understand the character of The Father and The Lord Jesus Christ.

Paul gives advice to Timothy about the need to think carefully when considering those appointed to ecclesial offices. While he acknowledges that in some cases a man's true character is obvious, in others, character is only fully revealed over time:

" _Some men's sins are open beforehand, going before to judgment; and some men they follow after. Likewise also the good works of some are manifest beforehand; and they that are otherwise cannot be hid."_ (1 Timothy 5:24)

We need, then, to be careful to avoid the influences of the natural man when considering cases of domestic abuse.

## Matthew 18 processes do not apply to long-standing domestic abuse cases

Domestic abuse is not amenable to resolution with a 'Matthew 18 process' and it is wrong and potentially dangerous to try to do this. I know this is a confronting statement, but I will explain why it is wrong and potentially dangerous and I hope you will see it is not really controversial. Matthew 18 is Jesus advice when someone sins against us. It is difficult to see that Jesus is advising us on how to handle serial offenders.

The abuser-victim relationship is one of unequal power whereas Christ's words imply the offended and offender are of equal power capable of the dialogue Christ speaks of. If we are sensitive to the situation of domestic abuse we will agree that a victim is normally 'drained' of the self-confidence that would be required to make such allegations directly.

As we have mentioned earlier, the anticipated response of an abuser confronted with allegations is avoidance of any direct discussion coupled with standard abuser behaviours including minimising, justifying, making excuses and attacking with threats, bullying and more emotional abuse, as well as physical violence. This makes confronting the abuser dangerous for the victim – Christ's teaching never requires a wronged person put him or herself into a situation of danger.

It follows that this same danger applies when returning with witnesses to confront the abuser again. His excuses become an appeal to the witnesses, and the victim is forced to defend herself to the witnesses she has brought – a demeaning and belittling requirement. There is now a potentially threatening situation for the abuser and if the witnesses side with the victim the witnesses are targets for the abuser's manipulation and control using threats and intimidation.

Abuse almost always is committed in secret so the "he said, she said" dynamic renders it not amenable to resolution and an investigation relying on direct witnesses will most likely fail. It is not enough to say, "there is no evidence". The evidence is the victim has come forward in a climate of fear, shame and distress or worse. No confrontation is likely to bring resolution or to help substantiate the allegations. Instead the cycle of abuse is perpetuated, with a new 'honeymoon' phase and calm or an escalation of the violence in retaliation.

If we have believed the victim as this paper contends we should, and we are providing her safety it is wrong to put the victim back into a high-risk situation for the sake of the abuser.

A victim's initial report of domestic abuse is likely to be in response to an instance of abuse. Given what we know about domestic abuse we should be wise and recognise that she may be fearful, shamed or in denial resulting in her suppressing disclosure of the full extent of the abuse. She is unlikely to be disclosing the first and only incident. Focusing on one instance rather than a pattern of behaviour will never provide true justice.

I would observe that the same dynamics apply in cases of child abuse. Ecclesias faced with a case of child abuse must reject any thought that Matthew 18 is a process for dealing with the alleged perpetrator. Not only is it a misapplication of the teaching of Christ in the broadest sense and an affront to his highest principles, it is illegal.

## Matthew 18 is a conflict resolution plan

We should not think that the witnesses Christ speaks of in Matthew 18 are present solely to help establish a case. They are there firstly to assist a resolution/restitution process and, if necessary, provide an accurate account of what took place should further action be required.

When we begin with the premise that bringing witnesses is an escalation that is aimed at somehow making an overwhelming case against "the accused" and that it will somehow prove right the complainant we eliminate the spirit of resolution implicit in Christ's teaching. The context of Matthew 18 begins with verses 1-4 speaking of how we think of others – is it with self-exalting pride or humility? Verses 5-6 speak of how we treat "those little ones who believe in Me". Verses 7-9 speak of the horror of causing offence. Verses 10-14 speak of the lengths the Father will go to save even those sheep who wander.

The purpose then of going to the sinner is to "win them over" to God, not to our argument or the strength of our case. If we are not focused on that purpose it is a misuse of Matthew 18. In any case the process of Matthew 18 is not suitable in abuse cases as I have discussed.

## Scriptural principles

**Represent the disadvantaged:** The Ecclesia should take up the cause of victims rather than forcing them to make their case directly. We are called upon to contend for the fatherless and widows, not to force them to have to contend for themselves (Luke 4:18-19; Luke 1:51-53; James 1:27 "in their affliction").

**Do not put victims in danger:** The Ecclesia should not put victims at risk of further abuse for the sake of supposed "justice" for the abuser. Christ would never put one of his little ones in danger for the sake of recovering the offender – as the good shepherd he has gone out of his way to rescue the lamb in danger and laid down his life for the sheep (John 10:11-15).

Nathan's approach to David is instructional. Nathan did not directly confront David with the allegations of adultery and murder – capital offences under the Law. His approach was indirect and specifically designed to **bring the sinner to repentance**. I believe this is a good model for us.

## Available approaches and their consequences

As I mentioned earlier, a direct approach to the abuser is likely to result in feigned contrition, minimisation and excuses. Also, the confrontation of a direct approach sometimes results in an unwillingness by the abuser to meet brothers and sisters to discuss the abuse with the result that the Ecclesia is unable to engage with or help the abuser. With this approach what I have seen in many cases is the abuser become 'unreachable', avoiding meetings and situations where he might be confronted. This is not good for the abuser, the victim or the Ecclesia. In numerous cases confrontation has led to fragmented relationships (including with siblings or long-time friends) and could potentially result in the totally unacceptable position of an ecclesia taking sides with either the victim or abuser. It also increases the social isolation of the abuser and increases risk of self-harm. This places an almost insurmountable barrier between victim and abuser curtailing any possibility of reconciliation and restitution. There is nothing to recommend the direct approach.

Being confronted with a victim's allegations is likely to increase an abuser's anger and the victim's risk of further intimidation, threats and violence so confronting an alleged abuser with the abuse allegations directly should never be contemplated.

There is no urgency to make a judgement when the victim fears for her safety and that of her children. If the victim applies (hopefully with the Ecclesia's support) for an intervention order to force the abuser to stay away from her, the police and courts may make findings which can be used by an ecclesial investigation. There is nothing to recommend a rushed investigation.

Without time pressure on making judgement the victim can be allowed time to feel safe, overcoming the initial acute fear and shame, supported and in time, more ready to recognise and discuss the full extent of the abuse including potential evidence for police, courts and ecclesial investigations. It allows time to engage with professional counsellors and get their assessment and support. With a calm considered investigation the full extent of abuse is more likely to be revealed.

In many ecclesias and in many situations it will be difficult to find brothers and sisters to be involved in various ways who are either willing and able, or who are not conflicted by relationships with the victim, the abuser or both. Bias, real or perceived is a significant problem to consider. Even perceived bias might impede our ability to reach the abuser and lead him to repentance. Sometimes even refuge may be best provided in another ecclesia at some distance from the home ecclesia or local environment. Ecclesias do well to consider obtaining support from brothers and sisters of other ecclesias and perhaps even outside the local area to carry out necessary tasks. All the same, they must not be novices. In doing this the Ecclesia must not wash their hands of the case – it will still require ecclesial action and involvement, but the outside brothers and sisters act for the Ecclesia in an unbiased way.

## Leading to repentance – a scriptural alternative

" _The goodness of God leads us to repentance" (Romans 2:4)._ We must see this as a Godly way and endeavour to do the same with abusers in the same way Nathan did with David. Further, as James' words we referred to earlier, we are to attempt to "convert" (to turn or bring back) one who errs. There is nothing in what James says about "confronting" or "charging". I am suggesting a "Nathan approach" be adopted by the brothers and sisters who I call "spiritual counsellors".

## A spiritual counsellor's approach

From what we have said so far the spiritual counsellor's work is to lead the abuser and convert him. It is not an investigative role, but an attempt to lead the abuser to self-realisation – a coming to one's self as did the prodigal son and David. They generally will not and cannot bring accusations from the victim because of the risk this brings to the victim, and because confronting an abuser accusations should be avoided.

## When spiritual counselling fails

If it becomes apparent over time the abuser is unwilling to participate, or cannot be led and is unwilling to recognise their behaviour for what it is, the Arranging Brothers may need to confront him with allegations, but only when it is clear there is no risk to the victim. There should not be a rush to do this. If the victim is safe and supported there is no need to rush.

## Appointing spiritual counsellors

As we have intimated earlier, whether the Ecclesia can facilitate professional behavioural counselling to help the abuser or not, the Ecclesia should not neglect the importance of appointing spiritual counsellors to work with the abuser "over the long haul". These do not have to be Arranging Brothers or even from the same ecclesia. Consideration must be given to including sisters in this role as it is often sisters who have gained formal qualifications and/or experience in this area.

As I said about the choice of support people for victims, it is important that they have some emotional distance from the couple, whilst still having their respect. Suggesting the abuser be involved in the choice of spiritual counsellor is distinctly unwise. In my experience abusers gravitate to their long-term friends who may sincerely and open-heartedly work with them on their 'small' problems, but as well-meaning as they have been, they have failed to address the "elephant in the room" or have simply been manipulated themselves.

There is an urgency to engage with the abuser when a report is made while there is not an urgency to confront the abuser with allegations or to make judgement. Instead the Ecclesia can use the fact the victim has (unspecified) concerns as a reason to help the abuser get to the bottom of what is going on, and help him find a path to restoring the marriage relationship. If a constructive relationship with a spiritual counsellor is established early, it is possible confrontation can be avoided and a collaborative, positive approach used to support the abuser. The spiritual counsellor can also work with the abuser and external services to get him engaged with professional help.

Pressure to get the couple back together again is almost unavoidable. That pressure can come from the abuser, the victim, one or both of their families, their children and other brothers and sisters. This pressure arises from the lack of understanding of domestic abuse and an unwillingness to accept that this could occur in the Household of Faith. Pressure from the abuser is likely to be either threats or "win-back" schemes. If the couple are back together, the willingness of the abuser to participate in counselling is likely to be diminished as the victim's report pales into the dim dark past. When this occurs we should anticipate seeing the entitlement mindset – "everything is fine", "you have no right", "I am not willing", "I don't have to do what you say". There has been little the Ecclesia can do to break this impasse with cases when the couples are back together again in my experience. There might be plenty of evidence to justify ecclesial concern even leading to confrontation with the abuser with the allegations, yet I have never seen the cycle of abuse broken when the couple are back together again. There remains a risk of consequences to the victim to be borne in mind with whatever action is taken.

The spiritual counselling should continue even when the couple are together again where the abuser is willing. While the abuser still needs help, when the couple are back together this will be difficult. It seems real change in abusers' thinking is impossible without the separation acting as a reminder they have not done enough.

If the Ecclesia cannot investigate because the couple are back together and there is an unwillingness on the part of the abuser there may be no practical alternative but to let the matter rest. The result is that there is nothing to break the cycle of abuse, the victim is still at risk. The abuser has not acknowledged their habituated behaviours, confessed them and repented of them. We should anticipate that the victim's life of fear and shame will continue. We need to be very attentive to the well-being of the victim over the long-term, looking for new signs of distress. If we thought there was a strong likelihood of abuse in the past and nothing has been done to change it, there remains a strong likelihood of abuse to reoccur, despite the apparent calm.

This is one reason why I am labouring the point about not rushing to put the couple back together. A slow and careful approach does no harm in the short term, but does set up the environment for an effective investigation free from risks to the victim's safety and provides a much better likelihood of spiritual counselling being effective in the turning back of one sinner.

As an aside it does highlight the importance of developing and maintaining a network of strong relationships within ecclesias. This should be consciously focused on by all the Ecclesia so that the relationships can be drawn upon in such circumstances. To our shame, in big ecclesias it is easy to end up with a dearth of strong, open and honest relationships at times, when they are needed.

## Early commitment to see it through

Early in the counselling relationship the spiritual counsellor(s) should work with the abuser to obtain his commitment to regular participation. This commitment can be drawn upon if there is an unwillingness to see it through. The more positive the relationship, the more friendly and supportive the more the needs of the abuser will be met and the more likely he will feel positive about continuing such an effort.

It may be wise that the spiritual counselling be provided by a husband and wife or two brothers. It is important to emphasise that strict confidentiality is required and that there be no perceived or actual bias and an expectation that the victim can have input into the process. In small ecclesias, and given the connections of Christadelphian families, it is better that such counselling be provided by members from another ecclesia as suggested earlier.

Spiritual counsellors must be aware of and, if possible, trained, in the true nature of domestic abuse. They must come to the task with an expectation that this is a labour of love that will take a lot of time over an extended period, and this must also be communicated with the abuser who is willing to work on his behaviours.

## The purpose of spiritual counselling

The purpose of spiritual counselling is to help the abuser to restore his relationship with The Father, and begin the re-development of the Christ-life. The best outcome is a brother who rejects manipulation and control, loves his wife and family and shows his love to them in a Christ-like way. He has chosen to desert the ways of wickedness and disowned the sense of entitlement that characterised his abusive past.

## Spiritual counselling and professional help

Ideally spiritual counselling would be a counterpart to professional help. Professional help is focused on increasing an abuser's empathy for their victims, building respect for others and identifying their flawed attitudes to others, improving the way they behave toward their partners and children.

Such professional help is not always easy to access in my experience. There are two types of professional help available – domestic violence perpetrator programs, and individual professional counsellors, typically psychologists.

The domestic violence perpetrator programs mandated by the courts tend to be oversubscribed. These programs are usually 12 weeks to one year long. Generally, these are community programs delivered by 'not for profits', including church outreach services and prisoners' aid services. They are often delivered as group sessions so sometimes they are not always conducive to development of the Christ-life.

There are professional counsellors who work with individuals and small groups. These are generally paid programs. They take some searching out. Ecclesias would do well to try to find local professionals doing this and if necessary, supporting the cost of an abuser's participation. These programs are more tailored and in practice, of similar length.

## The scope of spiritual counselling

Spiritual counselling allows the abuser over time to confess their sins to others in a way that provides a path for them to develop confidence in their ability to overcome these sins in their life and lead a Christ-like life. This is a scriptural stipulation, but one we are not good at, be it confessing to others or hearing confessions.

## Measuring progress

The measure of the effectiveness of the confession will be that when the abuser is ready, the victim and others familiar with the history of abuse can be consulted (with the abuser's permission) by the spiritual counsellor to assess the completeness of the confession. Where there are confessions, the counsellor should seek the abuser's agreement to discuss these with the victim. The victim can corroborate the confession, and it will be helpful for her to hear that the abuser is making progress.

## Feedback to the professional counselling

The confession and a discussion of it with the spiritual counsellor provides a basis for the abuser to describe clearly to a professional counsellor the behavioural changes they are seeking to make, and to contribute to the process of professional counselling in a genuine and committed way. The spiritual counsellor may have the opportunity to develop a relationship of a close friend and confidante willing to provide direct and honest feedback about the changes observed and the areas requiring more effort.

## Taking it slowly

It may be important not to try to accomplish too much too soon – I suggest beginning with a small number of matters, perhaps even those not the most pressing, to have success and then move on to the difficult areas. Such an approach builds confidence in the abuser and counsellor.

Ecclesias can use feedback from the spiritual counsellor about the abuser's willingness to confront their abusive behaviours and make changes when the Ecclesia is making decisions about their readiness to accept the abuser back into fellowship, or to undertake ecclesial duties for instance. Whilst discussions with the spiritual counsellor should generally be confidential, when the abuser is ready to disclose their progress to the Ecclesia and victim, the spiritual counsellor can support them in disclosing aspects of their rehabilitation and providing their honest evaluation of progress. Arranging Brothers meetings should consider receiving this feedback behind closed doors without visitors, to maintain confidentiality and provide dignity for an abuser genuinely working to rehabilitate themselves.

## The Role of the Arranging Brothers

We may think it is essential that the Arranging Brothers should be involved. If there is to be any fellowship action or ecclesial discipline then the Ecclesia needs to make such a decision based on clear evidence of breaches of Christ's commandments provided to them by the spiritual counsellor or those close to the couple. Two Arranging Brothers would need to speak directly to the abuser in the presence of the spiritual counsellor to clarify the reasons for disfellowship. Such brothers would need to be clear before attending the meeting of the extent of the problem to avoid the wolf from clouding their judgment. The matter needs to be confirmed by the Arranging Brothers.

Discussion of the case at Arranging Brothers meetings should be discouraged while attempts are underway to assist the abuser. What the Arranging Brothers need to do is ensure that there are experienced counsellors assisting, either from their own ecclesia or another ecclesia. Whatever the claims of confidentiality, some information always seems to escape the room even when the Arranging Brothers' deliberations are in a closed session. It is sometimes unfortunate that stereotypes of victim and abuser can cloud sound judgment and patterns of "groupthink" can develop. There is no advantage for endlessly discussing the pros and cons of the matter in the Arranging Brothers' meeting.

If a brother is perceived by the abuser to be "onto him" and others are perceived as more easily controlled, the abuser may well try to dictate terms by, for instance, approaching one of Arranging Brothers for "marriage counselling" or trying to get those who are "onto him" disqualified for bias or "conflict of interest". Other examples of such tactics have included sending family to the Arranging Brothers meeting to mount a defence of the abuser and calling in other brothers and sisters and even the victim's parents or siblings to object to the abuser's mistreatment. Organising the calling of a combined Arranging Brothers meeting about the case with other ecclesias (it is not unusual that abuse cases can cross ecclesial boundaries) is another strategy abusers have adopted in more than one case.

## Dealing with the pity play

Abusers are skilled at gaining sympathy and pity through their stories and their acting, expressing strong emotions, contrition (typically about some of their actions rather than the true extent and nature of their behaviours) and tears. The psychotherapist Martha Stout in her book, _The Sociopath Next Door_ (p 107) identifies this pity play as the key identifying feature of abusers, such was the frequency with which she was confronted with it when working with abusers.

Everybody in the Ecclesia with an awareness of the case, Arranging Brothers, and spiritual counsellors alike should be careful not to respond to pity play in the way the abuser hopes - with sympathy or pity. Instead they can use a dispassionate and direct (probably short) response focused on the apparent impact on the victim and the abuser's need to work change his ways.

## Dealing with denial and denials

Deceit and guile lie at the heart of the problem. We can expect that if confronted with an allegation or when concluding that the Ecclesia has his measure, the abuser will give an energetic denial laced with indignation. Safe ground from which a spiritual counsellor might work includes open questions, the exploration of the typical character flaws that underpin manipulation and control, the abuser's beliefs about their entitlements and their flawed views about their responsibilities and those of their victims. The abuser's ability to manipulate and control, to lie blatantly and their fearlessness should never be forgotten in these conversations. It is important to take notes of their stories so that discrepancies can be catalogued where they expose the wolf under the sheep's clothing.

Everyone with an awareness of the case can be expected to be appealed to with denials, excuses and justification, and everyone needs to adopt a studied indifference to them. This does not come naturally to us – but being prepared for it and recognising denials and excuses for what they are is the key. Again, the safe ground is the apparent concerns and distress of the victim and the effect of "whatever has happened to her". While avoiding confrontation and specific accusations even when we have such knowledge, after rejecting the denials, direct the abuser to think about the likely causes of his behaviour.

## Accepting true repentance

As mentioned earlier, it is one thing to accept the repentance of the abuser, but it is another thing to believe that there is no risk of recidivism. Also, accepting an abuser back into fellowship might be something the Ecclesia is ready to do well ahead of the recovery of the victim and the point in time that they are willing to be in the same place as the abuser. Sometimes abusers will be subject to intervention orders which require them to stay away from places the victim is likely to be.

Ecclesias should be led by the victim's willingness, and that alone, when lifting restrictions on an abuser's participation in ecclesial activities. Thankfully with today's technology, and with a little support from the Ecclesia, it is possible for the abuser to be part of meetings without being physically present, and other brothers and sisters can be rostered to join with rehabilitating abusers away from the Ecclesial meeting, to provide a fellowship experience and extend the love of the brethren to such a brother.

## A word about repairing families

Given the seriousness of some of the cases referenced it is hard to imagine reconciliation between abuser and victim. Not all cases are like those, however and despite how offensive some of the behaviours I described might be, some of the couples are back together. That it not to say those relationships are without their challenges.

Many victims continue to love their abuser even when the abuser has not acknowledged their problem. A wife loving her husband and desiring to have him with her in the Kingdom must see the importance of his full and frank confession and complete rehabilitation - there is love shown in making that a requirement for accepting him back for how else will he be reconciled to God? This is a similar approach God demonstrated in the parable of Hosea's life. Those close to the victim can support her in her contemplation of this principle. Hopefully with more education within the Ecclesia and a more open discussion of the subject over time we will get to the point where there is no shame for a wife where her marriage is broken by abusive behaviours. It is for the victim to decide if the abuser's confession and rehabilitation are real and sufficient and as bystanders, friends and family we must respect her decision, whatever that might be.

Encouragement to repair the marriage is only appropriate if the abuser has made a concerted effort over a long period, and it is evident the victim is no longer in fear. No pressure should be exerted on a victim living in fear, or still recovering from the systematic destruction of her self-esteem, or other trauma of the abuse.

There are numerous reasons a victim might decide to return and that is understandable - the shame of a broken marriage, the perceived need for the abuser's financial support, the desire to share home duties or parenting responsibilities with the abuser, the investment in a marriage partner and the love invested in that relationship, a view that it is what God requires of her – these are all potential pressures to return. These all have influenced numerous victims to accept the abuser back, only to experience a new cycle of abuse hidden under new layers of deceit, and sometimes protected by a false sense of security.

What is worse about this situation are the cases where normal patterns of cohabitation – sharing beds, rooms, meals and activities are dispensed with (and hidden) and the marriage becomes a sham in pursuit of a shame-free life. We should be wary in these situations and regularly check-in with the victim to ensure she is OK. Living together under the same roof is not an indicator that the abuser has "changed his stripes".

The abusive behaviours will have their effects on other relationships, and restoring them can be very challenging from all perspectives. The abuser can be expected to feel shame, and this has the potential to be a good thing. Extended family can be expected to be uncertain about their relationship with the abuser, recovered or not. These are damaging consequences of the abuser's past behaviour and some of them may even be permanent. Others might not be able to bring themselves to share with him things they may have in the past, and he may be unwilling to invest in rebuilding those relationships or may be too anxious even to try. All this is understandable.

One thing that the spiritual counsellor can emphasise with the abuser from the earliest engagements is that part of what he can do for the abuser is, at the right time, to help him navigate re-establishing those relationships. The abuser may need help to swallow his pride and meet with his father-in-law and mother-in-law, for instance. Such a meeting could be an opportunity for expressing regret and providing a full confession, including his commitments about his future behaviours. As we have highlighted, however, confession and tears are not enough and specific changes of behaviour over an extended period are the only substantive way in which an abuser can expect to reconcile with family and friends burnt by his abuse.

# Discussion points

  1. How can Arranging Brothers prepare to engage with abusers without being prone to accepting their excuses or disclosing the victim's report and claims?

  2. Could ecclesias or groups of ecclesias engage professionals to train brothers in suitable methods of questioning of abusers that advances the process of realisation and repentance?

  3. Which external services are local and appropriate for victims, their children and abusers? Are they available for referral?

  4. What real protection can ecclesias put in place to ensure confidentiality and privacy for victims, their children and abusers?

  5. How can ecclesias engage abusers without confrontation that tends to push them away or establish insurmountable barriers to constructive dialogue about a brother's problems?

# CONCLUSION

## Preparing the brotherhood

Many of us seem loathe to discuss the problem of domestic abuse with any seriousness. The subject is rarely spoken about from the platform.

From feedback from many brothers and sisters of various ecclesias in Australia and overseas it appears we also have been poorly prepared to help.

Perhaps worse, we have been failing many victims with resulting serious consequences for their life in Christ, and profound effects upon children. They have been given a confused understanding of normal relationships for Godly husbands and wives, a jaded view of the brotherhood and the power of a life in Christ. These are barriers to salvation.

The approaches I propose in this document might well be the standard procedures in some ecclesias, but in the Ecclesial environments I see, they are new, and in many ways challenge established thinking and even the advice of the elders.

That said, when parts of these approaches have been adopted many of the challenges to ecclesial interventions have been able to be overcome. It is important that we learn from our experience.

Somehow ecclesias need to share information about:

  1. The prevalence of domestic abuse – currently and historically;

  2. The approaches used in cases and the outcomes – we should catalogue the impact on victims, their children and abusers and what happened with them;

  3. For new approaches adopted, what was found to help or not help – results of professional counselling involvement, use of Domestic Violence Orders, approaches to investigation and discipline.

If this information could be catalogued and shared as a report (for instance in Australia it may be by AACE), it could be used to help ecclesias assess what works and how they can respond to cases. Such a well-designed study conducted with deidentified or anonymous data, participated in by a substantial number of ecclesias and shared amongst the Ecclesias would be a very valuable aid to helping us address the issue. I would encourage ecclesias to seriously consider participating in such an initiative if they are invited.

I pray that this consideration of the subject will have raised the profile of the issue, broadened our understanding of the subject and opened our eyes to what we can, and in many cases what our Lord requires us to do about it.

# ADDENDUM: Cumberland Ecclesia Family & Domestic Violence Policy

