Caleb: Hey.
Karen: Hey, this guy's at my apartment.
You remember that guy I said I was gonna fuck last night and I sent you a picture of him?
Caleb: He's beautiful.
Karen: Well he's still at my apartment, he has this huge erection—I can't do any work.
Caleb: Why would that stop you from doing work?
Karen: Because it's—it's turning me on, you know? It's like this tent.
And—and I need to work at my stand up desk.
Caleb: What kind of work do you have to do?
Karen: You know, like computer work. Career work.
Caleb: Acting.
Karen: Yeah, acting. I want to be an actress. Everybody wants to be a fuckin' actress.
Caleb: Well, why- why are you calling me about this guy's boner like I can do something about it?
Karen: I feel like he's gonna wake up in the next half-hour
and if you come over and you give like really...
heavy gay best friend vibes then he'll get the hint that, you know
we've moved past the sexual part of the experience.
Caleb: Right, like maybe I can hit on him a little bit, or something.
Karen: Yeah, yeah, turn him off, you know.
Say like, "Hey, girl" and like, "I don't get baseball!", and...
Caleb: Like, "my car's broken and I don't know how to change the tire", and like,
"I have a slightly uncomfortable relationship with my father but
I know that he loves and supports me
and also he's where I get my sense of humour."
Karen: Exactly, yeah. Turn him off.
That's great, okay, I'll see you in a little bit.
Maybe we can get brunch or something.
Caleb: I can't get brunch, I'm having brunch with, um
Billy.
Karen: Is that a date?
Caleb: It's not a date, no-- Here, I'll come over.
Um, no, it's not a date, but I...
I'm having brunch with Billy.
Who I am, indeed, in love with.
Karen: Isn't he straight?
Caleb: He is, he's so deeply straight
and I'm so deeply in love with him
and every time I'm with him I just, like, envision us, like, kissing and holding each other
and looking in each other's eyes, and being like,
"You're perfect."
Karen: Well, that's how all relationships start out.
Caleb: Yeah, you don't have to tell me twice.
Karen: What else is going on?
Caleb: Well, I don't have school today, so...
Karen: Oh-- how's school?
Caleb: School is good,
we had to go observe this teacher at John Marshall High School the other day
and she was so fucking over it
and I was like, I never want to be one of these teachers who's so fucking over it, you know?
Karen: So you wont manifest that.
Caleb: So I wont manifest that, yeah,
But yeah, I was just at the beach and being present and meditating
but then I'm also, like,
supposed to Facetime with this guy Benicio in England
who I'm like in love with and we're gonna Facetime later today alledgedly
and I just, like, can't help but feel like my whole day is leading to that moment
when I get to see him, you know?
Karen: Who is this guy? From-- he's British? What?
Caleb: He's this actor and he's twenty-one
and he was living in LA for several months
but then we only met like, two weeks before he left
and we were hooking up, but then he had to leave because of visa stuff
and now he's gone, and we're texting a lot
but I'm having very romantic feelings for him.
Karen: You want to Facetime with him.
Caleb: Yeah! I want to Facetime with him.
Karen: So... what about Billy?
Caleb: Billy, that's not-- that's not real
I mean, he's straight. That's a fantasy.
Karen: You're still fucking other dudes though, right?
Caleb: Yes, of course I'm fucking other people.
Karen: Okay, come over.
Caleb: Okay.
Oh, my god, my car is such a fucking joke.
Caleb: Hey girl!
Karen: Hey!
Caleb: How are you?
Karen: So good. Mwah.
Caleb: Let's go shopping!
Oh, hey!
Come over here, give me a little kissy.
I gotta go.
Caleb: Awwww.
Karen: Oh, okay! Bye!
Thank you.
No problem.
Um, okay. I'm gonna go get brunch with the love of my life.
Which one?
You know which one, girl!
Ah, I gotcha!
Last night she introduced me to a bunch of people at the party
and she has to say,
"Oh, this is Billy, he's not my boyfriend!"
and, you know, she does it on purpose.
I don't know, maybe
maybe I want her to be my girlfriend.
I don't know. Maybe I don't.
I don't fucking know. Maybe I-- maybe I do want her to be my girlfriend.
I don't know what I want!
It's like... it's like as soon as I want to commit then I'm feeling my heart pounding out of my chest,
but then it's like, I kind of like being with her and I'm happy when I'm with her,
and she makes me feel better about being a lunatic
and-- but maybe that's a crutch, right?
Is that a crutch? Is that--
She probably just wants you to be her boyfriend because everybody wants you to be their boyfriend.
Thanks, Caleb.
That's nice of you to say, man.
I wish Karen wanted me to be her boyfriend.
Karen!
That's not a bad idea, actually.
Don't play with me.
Have you seen Len lately?
No, I haven't seen Len in like, a week.
He's bi now.
What?
I'm going bi!
Caleb: You're going bi, this is big news!
You know, I was looking up Forbes magazine and it said,
people who are bisexual are more likely to succeed in business.
and I think I want to be in that seventy-three percent.
So, to that, and to being a modern man.
There's one catch, though. I want to ease myself into it.
So I was thinking I could start with like genderfluid guys.
Drag queens.
No, like genderfluid. You know genderfluid.
Yeah, I know about genderfluidity.
Tell me about genderfluid.
I mean I've worn, like, skirts to like, regular events.
Yeah, that's it. That's it.
Hey, do you think I have a shot at actually hooking up with Billy Anderson?
No.
Thank you, Len.
No problem.
He's not bi. Me, I'm bi, I'm fresh, I'm hip.
You're going bi.
Going bi. Big time. Big time.
So who're you gonna hook me up with?
Oh this is my job now?
Yeah, you know tons of genderfluid people.
Are you also interested in genderfluid like, women?
With masculine attributes?
Yeah. Sure.
Okay, let me think of some people.
How are you, good Caleb, sir?
I don't have class today but I do have this study meeting later with this guy at nine.
Is he cute?
He's kind of cute.
Is he genderfluid?
Lenjamin.
Sorry, just checkin'.
And then I'm supposed to Facetime later with this guy Benicio
who I'm basically in love with but I think it might just be an idea?
- Is that the guy from England?
- Yeah, oh I told you about him.
Yeah you said he has very very smooth skin.
He does, it's so smooth.
Is, um
Is he genderfluid?
Lenjamin!
Hey.
Len is going bi and he's looking for a genderfluid courtesan.
Caleb: What does the word 'courtesan' mean?
Freckle: Something. Am I in the running?
Caleb: How would you even know that Len is going bi?
He literally told me that seven minutes ago.
Freckle: He posted it on his Facebook. He's not subtle.
But I am. And I'm going to manipulate him into having sex with me.
Caleb: Okay, should I come to your house and we can prepare you?
Freckle: I'm always prepared.
Unless of course prepared means 'sober' which, in that case,
I'm rarely prepared.
Caleb: I'm here and I love you!
Oh my god, I hate it when you don't give me attention and you just want me to watch you perform.
I'm not performing. This is real.
These are real tears.
Caleb: They are liquid.
Okay! So are you taking me on my date with Lenny?
His name is Len, which is short for Lenjamin.
It's not Lenny.
???
I feel like you guys should go on, like, a walk
like a very fun walk together.
Oh, Tuesday light me up.
What does that mean?
I think it could work out for you two, he seems like he's really thirsty for this new bisexual experience.
And I'm a cool drink.
I am.
Should I wear one of my furs?
Yeah.
Nip slip.
- Is it?
- I don't know, is it?
- Do you still talk to Benicio?
- Sometimes.
Are you guys still seeing each other?
I don't know, not really. I mean, he's in England.
We talk all the time, and we were hooking up before he left
and it was really good, and-- or maybe it was just me that thought--
I don't know. We're supposed to Facetime later and I'm-- I care about it, you know?
Maybe the whole relationship is just in my head.
You were actually hooking up before he left.
Yeah, we were.
Why don't you just see where it goes?
Do you think he's gonna Facetime me?
That sounds loaded.
I feel like these feelings I have for him are real, though.
Oh they are real. He's also a real bitch.
What time am I going on my date?
[phone rings]
Len: Tell me you got me the date.
Lenny!
Lenjamin.
Listen, my uh, genderfluid friend Freckle wants to go on, uh
a little walk with you tonight, are you-- are you down for that?
Does that sound good?
So where am I meeting this bitch?
I think you're going to want to not say bitch.
No more bitch.
So you guys are going to meet on the street outside your house at 9pm
um, and then you'll go on a little walk
and then, you know, if it goes well you'll get sexual together.
I'm looking forward to this, buddy, in a very bi way.
[phone rings]
Karen: Len is going bi?
Why am I the owner of that piece of information?
Mm, I'm so attracted to him.
What if I told you that there was another man?
The Earth is populated with hundreds of thousands of men.
Well it's actually millions.
But what if I told you that my really attractive friend is into you?
Is it Billy, the straight guy you're in love with?
Yes.
Okay, fine, I'll go on one date with him
and if I like him we'll just get married.
Will you film the sex?
Yeah.
If you guys have babies and they make money,
can I have royalties off of them?
Well, yeah.
Okay, good.
Okay, so what should you guys do? I'm thinking, I'm thinking...
Hook it up! Hook it up!
You guys should go to the Escandite at 9pm!
Yeah! I like that!
Is that exciting to you?
I just-- was gonna say that after whatever you said.
Okay, very cool, very cool.
I love it, I love it, I love it.
Honey, I love that you love it.
Tell him I just went on birth control and my chimichangas are swollen.
Okay, I'll let him know.
Billy: Talk to me.
So you're going on a date tonight with Karen at 9pm at the Escandite.
That's fantastic!
Put on your Sunday best, okay?
I'm gonna wear a suit.
Freckle?
Lenjamin McButtons.
Is that your real name?
Uh, yeah. I haven't-- I don't do this a lot.
Shut up.
- Hey!
- Hey!
You look fantastic.
You're overdressed.
Oh, thank you.
So should we go in there and get some grade-A beef?
Oh, I don't eat beef.
Okay. They have salads.
Okay, I'm gonna get some fries, though.
Is this going well?
We'll see. Still feelin' it out.
- Hey.
- Caleb!
Wait, that's so random that you're here right now.
Well, we planned this.
I know, it's just like, random that it's all coming together.
So my entire life, people have told me I'm the most beautiful thing they've ever seen.
And I'm like, "No..."
I'm beautiful on the inside.
Yeah, I can see that. You know.
I'm not shallow.
No, I-- I didn't say you were shallow.
Sorry.
Are you okay?
I'm just not really digging this.
You know? It's not really my jam.
Oh. Whatever.
You okay?
I'm perfect.
Yeah so eventually my mom actually was really struggling with that because, um,
she took the morning after pill?
And it wasn't even that long ago, and she's in her fifties,
and she called me, and at the time I was in Wisconsin
because I was doing kind of a local program where you work with farmers
and they kind of like, um, teach you--
because it was back when I didn't even think I was going to teach, I thought I was going to work in a nonprofit
and my mom's like, calling me, and she's really upset
because she had had sex with this taxi crab-- crab--
I'm like trying to say taxi cab, I'm saying taxi crab
I'm like, yeah he's under the water
and he's, uh, has two claws and he had sex with my mom.
So I reached out and we had this long conversation
I called my mom like, "You can't be taking the morning after pill",
like, you should, first of all, not be having kids,
or, not be having unprotected sex with this taxi cab driver
like, you have no idea about him or what's happened to him or where he's been
and so it just ended up being a very kind of, like, false alarm thing.
So a lot of us like, reached out, and the community, and we tried to do like this thing for her
and, um-- oh hey, are you leaving?
Do you want to get something to eat?
I would love to get something to eat, I'm starving
and I don't mean that in a sexual way.
Great! Okay. Great.
I got this, okay?
How about I get the tip, and you got it?
I got it.
You get the tip, and you got it.
I got it.
Hey, what's up guys?
Hey Lenny, what's going on bro?
How're you guys doing?
Um...
You guys on a-- what is this, a date?
- Yeah. 
- Yeah.
I was on a date too.
I don't care about you and your boring little lives
'cause I'm gonna go have so much fun in the bathroom.
What a bitch!
Hey, Len, I heard you're going bi,
and I just want to let you know that there are a lot of women out there.
Traditionally beautiful women.
That are available.
Hey, guys!
- Hi!
- Caleb!
What are you guys doing?
- Nothing.
- Yeah, we're just... hanging out.
Not a date.
Hey, you wanna get out of here?
Y-- oh, yeah!
- 'Kay.
- Oh, okay! So you're just gonna go?
- Um..
- Yeah, no, it's okay.
- No, it's, I mean...
- Yeah, you guys go hang out.
- Okay, I...
- I'm sorry.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
I don't know, man, I just like... it didn't work in person for some reason, you know?
I mean I've seen her on TV and everything, and...
Let's chill here for a second.
Alright.
What was, uh...
What was the problem?
I don't know. Like a chemistry thing, I guess?
Interesting.
You didn't like her.
No, I liked her, I just... it was...
Don't look at me like that, it was like a chemistry thing.
You know I'm attracted to her.
Yeah.
I guess.
Listen, Caleb, I don't, um...
What?
[phone rings]
Oh, hold on.
It's this guy that I've been...
Oh.
- I have to take this.
- Yeah, go for it, man.
Take it.
- Sorry.
- No, don't be.
Oh my god, you're so fucking beautiful.
How was your day?
It was great, it was a great day. I set up some dates.
Oh yeah?
Who did you set up on a date?
I set up Karen and Billy.
Who's Billy?
He's this straight guy.
Nice.
And I set up, um...
Len and Freckle went on a date.
What? Freckle went on a date with straight Len?
It didn't work out, Freckle's in the bathroom of the Escandite right now getting, um,
he's rimming a twink.
That is impressive.
Listen, uh, I've been thinking.
and... I know that you get the impression sometimes that this isn't real.
But, um...
It is.
And...
I know that I'm a thousand miles away
and I don't know when I'm going to be back, so maybe this is...
a bold move, but...
I was thinking it might be an idea that we don't see other people.
I'm into that.
I have to go.
Okay. Bye. I love you.
I'll text you soon, okay?
Okay.
Sorry, that was that guy from England.
- As you know.
- Yeah, I figured.
What were you going to say?
Nothing.
- You were going to say something-- 
- No, I wasn't.
It was probably bullshit.
[phone dings]
- Oh, fuck, hold on.
Oh, my god.
Lenjamin McButtons wants to know if we want to go to an all-shirtless dance party at his house.
I don't know what that means, but I'm intrigued.
Off we go.
I feel like this is going to be a really great show.
Caleb: What?
I feel like this is going to be a really great show!
Caleb: What show?
The show I'm auditioning for tomorrow morning.
I'm a huge bitch.
