 
Authentic, Raw and Real Perspectives on Life

An open book from a father to his daughters

Anonymous

Chapter 1

Pay Attention, Please

Chapter 2

Life is Beautiful but Biased

Chapter 3

Find Peace Within

Chapter 4

Freedom of Religion

Chapter 5

Never Limit Yourself

Chapter 6

Be Purposeful with Your Time

Chapter 7

Control Money (Before It Controls You)

Chapter 8

Choose the Right Partner

Chapter 9

The Value of Relationships

Chapter 10

When I Get Your Calls

# Chapter 1

## Pay Attention, Please

Most mornings, I wake up to your tiny voice crying for someone to come get you. Of course, I hear your cries hours before I need be up for work and I bitch to your mother about having to do it, but I'm happy to go get you. I smile as I walk down the hall to your room, telling you I'm on my way. I grin because what happens next gives me feelings of happiness and love I never knew before you came into my life.

When I walk into your room, you are so genuinely happy to see me. Your response makes me content with life. Your beaming face allows me to forget the trivial frustrations that have been on my mind. Your emotions and reactions are genuine, as you haven't learned to mask your feelings yet. You can only project what feelings come to you naturally when you see me.

So, since I have the pleasure of watching you grow and develop every day, starting with such meaningful mornings, why did I take the time to write and deliver this?

As odd as it may seem, I can't tell you what compelled me to write this book. I can't recall when I started and I can't say exactly what was pushing me forward. I'm not someone who enjoys writing. In fact, I can hardly believe I "authored" this book for you.

What I've written was crafted over several years in spurts when I was driven, pushed, and motivated to do so. There were weeks, probably months that I didn't write anything at all. My focus on this task depended on what entered my mind and what nagged at me, not leaving me alone until the words flowed and gathered into this book.

I'm not sure I'd say this mission has haunted me, but too often, thoughts entered my head, and I could not focus on anything else. It's as if this writing has followed me around, demanding me to complete it as a guide to life for you. The only way I could ease this urge was to spend

time listening to its persistence, asking what it wanted of me, and then, sitting down and writing

it out.

I finally started to find some semblance of peace in this process of writing down my thoughts and concerns as the hopes for you and your future. The thoughts would stop for a while until another one rushed in and floated around in my head until I did something about it. I've been awakened in the middle of the night with those thoughts, and I felt they needed to be shared with you through this avenue. At your ages now, you would give me blank stares if I tried to explain "life's lessons."

Writing this collection of lessons has been an interesting process for me—a frustrating one that I tried stopping many times. It was an annoying process most of the time, which I had to force myself to fight through. Don't get me wrong, though. It wasn't annoying that I was doing this for you, rather in the way it all came about and developed over time. At some point, I stopped fighting and gave in to it, committing to the work, and dedicating the time to "finishing" without seeing "the end."

If you're on a path toward something, yet don't know where you are headed, how do you know when you can stop walking? Often, after a significant period of time, I've gone back to read what I've written only to delete it because it was so bad (in my opinion) and had a lot of areas that simply made no sense. Other times, I've read through it and I can't even remember writing it, questioning where the words came from and thinking there was no way I could have written it—not because it was "compelling" material, but because it's not exactly meaningless either.

It's been an unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and for some reason, embarrassing process, but it

was something driven by a need that wasn't going away until I got it all out and completed the

process. A process I never intended to start. A process I didn't have time for, yet found and made the time to get it done, with you being my motivation.

Maybe these words will provide some insight into how I think about things. In some cases, you may not find that beneficial. As my kids though, I felt I owed you honesty in terms of who I am, how I think, and the reasons I approach life the way I do. Most of what I have written was meant to be a lesson for you: one in learning how someone lived their life as opposed to how they wished they had lived their life.

With that, it's my desire for you to live better than me, do better than me, and approach life bravely. I want you to really live life; don't let life have its way with you. Focus on your dreams, what you want to accomplish, and all of life's experiences with the limited time you have available in this life. Always remember this life is yours and no one else's. Go forward pursuing your own interests, goals, and desires.

Finding the Nurturer in Me

Before you were born, I didn't think that I possessed many emotions I was caught up in surviving life, not living life. You've brought to surface feelings I guessed were there, but didn't have a reason to be upfront and present previously. They must have been there somewhere, just dormant within me. I'd heard about them, only I didn't pay a lot of attention to what others said about deep emotions.

However, I'm getting it now.

You're making me wonder what else is within me and what else you will bring out as we continue with our walk through life together.

After picking you up from your crib, we move to the couch where we lay together with

your tiny elbows burrowing into my ribs and stomach, ensuring I am not going back to sleep

although you returned to your dreams before we even made it down the stairs. I lay there listening to your gentle snore, staring at the walls in the dark room and waiting until I can see

the sun coming up over the trees through the windows.

I can only think of one thing during these times, that there's no other way I'd want to start my day and no other place I'd rather be. No vacation spot or exotic location could be better than this. No achievement and no other experience could top what happens these mornings or match how I feel. I absorb all I can from these mornings because I know they will soon be nothing more than memories. They are times I will never forget, yet ones you may never remember.

(About three years after writing this, out of nowhere, you asked me if I remembered when we used to sleep on the couch in the mornings, and I thought you would never remember.)

As I wait for you to wake up, I take the opportunity to think about what I have and what's important to me. I relish these moments I get to spend with my thoughts, time I would never have taken without you being a part of my life.

However, with down time comes concern and anxiety. Questions abound and reverberate in my head: Do I know what I'm doing raising a kid? Do I have anything to teach you?

How do I understand your needs and help you develop into someone who can maneuver through this world? Am I doing you wrong somehow without even realizing it? I wonder if you will be proud of me or embarrassed by me. I know I can't afford to make a mistake with you. I can't damage your confidence because you need to develop your inner drive and expand your world when the time is right. The list in my head is endless....

As you have grown, we stopped this morning routine and moved on to simply sitting together on that same couch, not saying much to each other, and watching cartoons. You will often lean on me, crawl into my lap, or put your arms around my neck. I wish I could stay there

with you all day, but that's not an option, which makes me feel as if I've failed you in some way.

Every day, I continue to be concerned with if I'm doing right by you and giving you a good

childhood that you will look back on positively. Am I giving you enough experiences, or overloading you with those that won't matter?

One thing that has given me comfort on this issue is I have started tapping you on the shoulder when you are watching TV, and you say, "What, Daddy?" I'll say different positive things to you. Often, you will tap me on the shoulder as well, and we go back and forth saying things to each other. Well, I tapped your shoulder recently and you became annoyed, reacting by saying, "Stop, Daddy. I know you love me and I know that's what you are going to say because you tell me that all the time. I can't hear the TV when you talk, so stop."

I don't know if you could have said anything better to me because it actually made me feel I was doing something right—you know you are loved. I'm okay with your not being able to hear the TV because I tell you I love you too much.

When I watch you playing, it's obvious what I'm living for now: to provide you a safe environment to learn, grow, become independent, and, in these younger years, just have fun and enjoy life. You have given me purpose merely by existing. My hope is you don't lose your lack of self-consciousness along the way. I want you to continue laughing and playing without caring at all what else is going on around you, or who else can see you. Somehow, this harsh world takes that carefree spirit away and I wish I could prevent that from happening to you. Don't forget it's okay to be a kid and have fun, regardless of your age. Take pleasure in whatever you are doing, and if you're not, then make a change. I'm trying to balance teaching you the world is a tough place while still allowing you to maintain your innocence.

If I could put you in a bubble and take you everywhere you ever needed to go and protect

you from any and all harm, I would and have you live at home your entire life. I know that's not possible nor in your best interest, but it scares me that one day, you'll be outside of my reach

where I can't help you avoid the bad this world is going to send your way.

I know there will be days when you are so angry at me for not letting you go places or do things, but please understand my perspective. Most likely, your understanding will only happen years down the road when you've had your own life experiences and get where I'm coming from. See, I've had experiences you can't relate to yet.

I've been to a funeral for a friend's infant. I've buried a best friend. I've visited people in jail. I've seen and felt despair I don't want to recall. I know how life can harden you if you allow it to.

So, you see, that is what I think about when I'm watching you play these days. You don't have any perception about what is down the road, but it is all I can envision.

I was always scared to have my own children because of these things and knowing I'd be unable to deal with anything bad coming your way. I couldn't stomach the thought of you dealing with pain or struggle, but I also know those are the times you learn the most from. Your soul grows. The difficult times and challenges teach you the hard lessons that are so beneficial to your individual development into your own person. You learn to be tough, stand up for yourself and others, and learn from every experience and what you have within you. If it weren't for those trying times, you would never have a reason to have to dig down deep into your gut to take care of yourself.

Let's be frank here; no one is able to avoid tough situations. It's part of the game you didn't ask to be a part of when you were born, and I do feel responsible for that. At some point, I can't protect you from the inevitable or shield you from too much of what's to come. In doing that, I wouldn't help you develop into someone who can handle, manage, and overcome adversity. Not only that, but improve overall because of it.

In time, I'll figure out when to step aside and let you struggle through the unfairness awaiting you. But know this: I'm the guy who is going to even the score if anything bad ever does happen to you as a result of another person. If someone harms you, they will go away, I promise. I'll face whatever the consequences are like a man should without worry or regret. If that day comes, don't feel bad for me. Go live your life as if nothing happened. I'll be fine.

Girl, the best payment you could give me back is a life well-enjoyed.

I am so grateful for the love I have for you. I know my life would have been missing so much without you. My life is now lived for you. I've laughed with you harder than I remember ever laughing, had feelings of pride I didn't know before, and a connection to another person I didn't realize this life had to offer. You've made me a better person—or at least you've made me try to be a better person.

I used to dismiss what people thought and for the most part, did what I wanted and said whatever without much care. Now, I want to make sure I am a respectable example for you to follow in how you treat people, how you interact with others, and how you conduct your day-to-day business. I'm always thinking about what you would think if you were somehow watching over me and learning from my actions.

I want you to be proud that I'm your father and my actions, my work, and my reputation. I want you to look back on your early life with fond memories and know I did everything I could for your benefit. There is not one sacrifice I would not make for you.

I only ask that you learn from the mistakes I've made in order to be a much better person

than me. Right now, you're young enough that I'm still larger than life to you. However, I have

fucked a lot of things up, have more regrets than a person should, and hope you don't learn about most of them.

That's what is so great about being young. Your slate is clean, without any mistakes that can stick to you. I'll do everything I can to keep it as clean as possible even while you become independent and self-sufficient.

Do what I have wished I had done, kid, not what I have done. You have an opportunity to be and accomplish so much more than I have. Aspire to look back with pride on how you have lived. I'm not sure I have enough time to even the score for things I've done, but I know since you came into my life, I'm a lot closer to who I want to be than who I was. I'm not going to fuck you up; you are getting everything I have to give you. With that, I'm making every effort possible to raise you right and provide a good start to your life. At some point, you'll need to move over and drive, making your own path, developing your own reputation, and creating your own family. My role is to get you to a point and then step aside after providing you a good childhood with pleasant memories.

Girl, if you ever find yourself wanting more from life or bored with what you are experiencing in this world, you have to promise me you will make a change. It may be hard, but change is necessary under those circumstances. Don't settle for anything. You deserve better. Don't rely on others to create opportunities for you. Be the person who does that for yourself and others. Be the go-to person people see and wish they had the strength to be like. Set goals most people wouldn't dare to and then pursue them. If you settle for average, following what most people do, you'll get exactly that—an unfulfilling life with too many regrets.

At some point, people begin to settle for what they perceive to be their place in life. I

need you to realize you have to keep moving forward, learning and working to improve yourself.

Don't ever stop taking chances or working toward what you truly desire. Focus on self-love, what you think about yourself. Let the others kiss your ass. Life is a gift and how you experience it is up to you. You only. You can open the gift and complain about it not being the right size or the color you wanted, or be concerned about what others will think of your gift. You have the right to be a bitch about it. Your life is yours to be miserable about...if that's what you chose. But why do that? Know you can also take a different attitude toward what you have been given. You can make a conscious decision to be pleased and grateful for the gift even if it's not exactly what you'd wished for. You can alter it, change the color, and make it your own. Work with what you have while enjoying the process to mold it to be exactly what you want. Make it into something no one has ever seen before.

I hope you realize the decision to be happy with what comes your way is within your power. Being miserable and being happy are choices.

I've learned a lot of things later in life and I'm hoping by sharing those with you, the knowledge will help you avoid mistakes I've made while still understanding me in a way most don't. The choices I've made were often far from the best and as you grow older, you'll learn I'm as flawed as every other human.

Know, though, that my love for you is not flawed. My love for you is exactly as it should be—perfect.

# Chapter 2

## Life is Beautiful but Biased

Life is not fair.

At least it won't appear fair most times.

You'll save yourself a lot of frustration by accepting this early on in life. It's simply part of the deal of being alive and having a place in this world. I'm sorry, but no one can change this for you. Most people spend a great deal of time focusing on what others have been provided and the perceived advantages they have received rather than the opportunities available within their own reach. (Not everyone gets the same amount of cookies. Not everyone deserves a trophy. Not everyone earns a promotion, etc.) It's an odd human tendency to see others and only visualize how easy their life must be. They see what appears as success and wrongly assume the achievement has been effortless.

Yet, when they look at themselves, they only see the unfairness and struggles life has presented; the roadblocks and challenges put in their way. They perceive this difference as life's unfairness and they form a perspective that stays with them for an extended period of time, if not their entire life. They believe the world is "against them" and set up for others' success and their failure. This thought process creates an occasion for people to provide themselves an excuse for sitting on the sidelines throughout life. It's safer to stay out of a game, say the rules prevented your participation, and even if you had entered, you could not have won due to the odds being significantly stacked against you. Many people go through life thinking the game and rules are designed for a different kind of person than who they are. That is not true.

Instead of navigating through the rules, finding a path to success, it's less challenging to sit back and tell yourself there isn't an avenue for your own success in this world. We all have our issues to overcome and comparing your life to someone else's is a waste of time. Things are rarely what they seem from the outside anyway. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. There is no way you could have insight into what someone else's path has been. You don't see the challenges they may have been presented and/or overcome prior to what you are seeing and drawing conclusions from today. You don't witness the unfairness they may have dealt with and how they pushed through in spite of it all. You may only be witnessing the end result of a lifetime of work and struggle.

It wouldn't be fair to see an Olympian standing on the podium with their gold medal and assume they were simply born with the skills needed to obtain that medal. They sacrificed for that achievement. They earned the medal by working harder than others.

It's the same as seeing someone successful and assuming their path has been an easy road. It's insulting not to be respectful of the sacrifices they (probably) made and the work put in to obtaining their success. There's no way you can understand all aspects of their life, so only considering what you see as positives isn't being honest with yourself. It's unfair to them and to you, as well, because it creates and reinforces a belief in your head that the world is unfair to your disadvantage. It's a belief that leads people not to work toward their own goals and not strive to achieve what is possible for them and their family.

This is the wrong position to take.

Energize Yourself to Move Forward

Yes, life often appears biased and unjust, but that fact doesn't prevent everyone from accomplishing their goals and forming an enjoyable life. Someone could just as easily make the same assumptions regarding you. They shouldn't do that, so you shouldn't, either. Worry about yourself, your life, your path, and what you want to achieve. Every challenge poses an

opportunity to learn and grow from.

People will look for excuses as to why they didn't complete their goals or attain the success they desire. Believing life hasn't been fair to them is why many accept less than what life has to offer them, taking what is available to claim as their own. The experiences, the joys, the accomplishments. It's much easier to convince yourself others had more advantages so success was inevitable for them and unachievable for you. Why not? It beats working hard, taking risks, overcoming fears, having perseverance, and/or continuing on after a failure. Why not just tell your friends about how someone else had things handed to them rather than be honest and admit you didn't put in the effort needed to be successful? Tell those friends you don't have the work ethic to make things happen, to change your life, or to live in a way you truly desire. Sounds grim, doesn't it? The point is that if people say it enough, they'll convince themselves that's exactly what has happened.

I recently read that about 80 percent of millionaires in the United States are the first generation in their families to possess wealth. That tells me most of them made it happen rather than throwing their hands in the air and giving up. They didn't allow anything to hold them back. These are the people being judged now; those who are looked at with the assumption they unfairly benefited from some set of rules that doesn't actually exist.

I'm sure things will change by the time you are grown, but right now, people want to shame the wealthy. They make it seem as though all financially successful people have unfairly benefited from some secret set of rules and wealth was acquired unfairly and through unscrupulous means. They got what they have by screwing over some unfortunate soul.

Politicians love to play this angle, and it's a disservice to the public and people they are supposed

to represent and help. They use misleading words and situations to advance their own careers.

They create a false belief that someone else has been screwing them over in hopes they can gain

power from this fear. Like true fools, most people buy into it for reasons I've previously

mentioned; mainly, it provides them with an excuse for not being successful.

People lying and cheating their way to the top certainly occurs, but the majority of the cases? No way.

From basic statistics and living my own life, I have to believe the majority of those people who have obtained financial wealth have earned it through proper means. Made it the way most would want their children to and then reap the rewards. What they want for their children, they voice opposition to when they see it in others. Assuming the opposite and trying to convince others of that fact is shameful because it takes away the hopes of many. It rips away dreams that could lead to significant accomplishments, which allows people to grow and advance in this life. Convincing people the rules are rigged against them is taking something away from them that no one has the right to do. In general, many people simply aren't honest—not with others and sadly, not even with themselves.

The problem with not being honest with yourself is you can live your entire life not knowing the feeling of achievement. You may never realize what you are capable of, never recognizing your limits and how to push them in order to reach your own potential.

Maybe it's an odd analogy, but I often wonder if the fastest human never ran.

Perhaps, as a child, they saw other kids running and didn't believe they had the same skills. Thinking those kids were born to be athletic or better runners, the person never tried. Something kept them from getting in the game. Something made them think other kids were better suited for it. They never trained, never struggled, and never took that first step because

something in their head prevented them from finding out their potential. So, they just sat on the

sidelines wondering what it was like to compete, and, most importantly, what it would feel like

to win. They were convinced they weren't given the same skills and abilities as others.

We all have something within us that takes effort and faith in order to experience the full effects. Get in the game and see what happens.

Trying and failing is better than doing nothing and telling yourself the game was rigged.

Listening to those who attempt to convince you the game of life is unfair is not something you must tune in to hear. They are only talking to themselves in an effort of assurance that they fell short of their own dreams not because of something they did, but because they were supposedly a victim of circumstances and forces beyond their control.

People should spend more time encouraging each other rather than providing each other with excuses. It lowers the bar for everyone and we all suffer from a lesser world. A world where people realize the power and strength of their potential that we could all benefit from. Girl, I want you to be among these encouraging people who uplift others.

When people judge others, I think they ignore how we all started at different points in our life. We don't all have the same experiences, so we can't understand the perspective of others or have an appreciation for their past. We may not even be able to consider their potential struggles due to them being so dissimilar to what we have experienced personally. Some people are fortunate enough to be born into loving, caring, and attentive families. Others may have economic privileges allowing advantages and what appear to be endless advancement opportunities. Unfortunately, some start life with challenges and desperate circumstances that make the smallest amount of advancement look as if it's a long shot at best. It seems there's only a life of struggle awaiting them.

In addition, we all have different paths to travel and lessons to learn. Be sure of this:

Some people will receive opportunities and benefits that seem like on the surface they don't deserve while others will experience events that can only be described as pure fucking evil dropping a shit at their front door. You simply have to accept this as part of being alive.

I don't think it's beneficial to dwell on it, rather for you to have an understanding that it happens. It doesn't make it easier, I know. Understand the various circumstances people may be dealing with or come from and how they may be struggling with issues you can't even begin to comprehend. Dedicating too much time trying to understand why bad things happen to good people can result in your feeling bad for others and even self-pity. That's not productive for anyone.

You'll come across people who can only complain and bitch about how life has been unfair to them and, in many cases, yes; it's been exactly that way. Instead of finding strength in life's challenges and situations, it provides people with excuses that prevent them from reaching their potential and enjoying life as it's meant to be. Feelings of inadequacy consume them and those around them. They can't think of anything other than the negative situations that were presented in their lives. The smallest deviation from what someone believes is the appropriate path can throw many people off completely—they cannot alter their plans to adjust to the unforeseen circumstances and thus, can't recover. They see these challenges as the end of the steady advancement to the life they envisioned. They no longer believe their actions are leading them where they want to be.

Girl, I can tell you one thing with one hundred percent certainty. Nothing works out exactly how you plan, desire, or hope your path to be. Shit just comes up. Shit that you or anyone else could not have thought of or planned for. It's just life.

You have to be versatile enough to adjust and stay focused on the goal. Be flexible

enough to think of setbacks as opportunities. They could cause you to pursue avenues you hadn't considered. Setbacks can provide a different perspective that results in your significant advancement after you fight through what is perceived as a negative situation. No significant accomplishment unfolds exactly as was originally planned.

The difference between success and failure for many is the ability to accept setbacks as part of your journey, a portion of the price of reaching success. You may not know what is coming, but you need to know something is coming your way that will, at first, appear to be devastating to your dream. Maybe it even appears as a dead end to the dream you are focused on. Maybe it's a way to redirect you to something more rewarding than what you were previously focused on. You can be assured these events will take place and see them as positive challenges or you can be like most people. Most allow these situations to provide the excuses they need to give up. These constant justifications pile up until their life passes them by. It sucks. They waste years feeling sorry for themselves and thinking life will never be more than a struggle. A lot of people waste their entire life wrapped in the wrong perspective on situations they deemed unfair. They cannot envision an avenue that leads them to success.

I'm asking you not to do this.

Yes, there are times when life is going to kick your ass and you'll experience unfair setbacks. You'll have times when it seems the world is raining a shit storm down on you. You just can't visualize how things will turn back in your favor. You won't see a way out of your current struggle, no matter what people say or how they show you a path out. You may even believe the situation is so dire that life as you have known it is ending.

Know these bad times are coming, but remember you will get through them if you

continue to focus on what you want, the opportunities you have, and keep your priorities and

integrity intact. You'll be fine. I promise you will get through the challenges if you approach

them correctly. You wouldn't understand good times if you didn't have a range of times to

compare them to.

Life has cycles just as nature does. Winter comes every year. The sun comes up every morning and gives way to darkness. The same happens in life. You'll have cycles where everything you do seems to work out and is effortless. Enjoy those moments and be thankful for them, but also prepare for the hard road of challenges ahead.

Bad times also pass, so don't panic.

Relax. You will get through it.

Keep following your course and learn the lessons needed. You will be better prepared for the next time life kicks your ass.

Let a Challenge Enthrall You

When you are living through tough times and handling yourself properly, treating others appropriately, taking responsibility for what has happened, and staying true to your core beliefs, you'll look back on those experiences and recognize they were rewarding. These were the times you overcame obstacles that would have buried most people. You fought through them and learned more about what you can take on and overcome the next time. These periods provided you the opportunity to understand what some people shy away from—pushing through what you once thought were your limits.

The key is to focus on the fact that these bad times are temporary. Do not let them consume you and cause you to lose faith in yourself and what you know is right. Don't lose faith in your path. You'll have something to be proud of if you keep driving toward your goals in the right manner—meaning, being respectful of yourself and those who are looking to you for

guidance. Set the example others should strive for. Be the person they wish they could be and

prove something to the only people who matter in these situations: you and your family. Be the

calm, steady force.

Have empathy for those who have been given a harder path to travel than you but don't feel guilty for what you have been provided or obtained. Regardless of our starting points, I believe everyone has the ability to achieve what they want from life, and to advance themselves financially, as well as emotionally. It's not a dream; it's within grasp of all of us. Anything short of that is not living the life you deserve.

You live in a country that allows you to obtain everything you want and are only limited by your own perceived limitations. Everything has its price and you'll need to pay it. When I said, "life isn't fair," it's because that price is different for all of us. That's why it's important to accept our starting points, but not our situation or place in life. That is only where we are temporarily. It's not a reflection of who we are; it's merely a reflection of where we are at a point in time, which is temporary.

Some people allow their current situation to define them and they accept that as a permanent place, as if they can't advance beyond one point, their current economics, or employment situation. Everything involves a process and steps. Most people have to start at the bottom and work their way up over time. They take one job, become proficient at it, and then take another, more impactful position that accompanies additional responsibilities and financial benefits.

You'll find people who walk right out of college and into a great position where they are doing well, but this is the exception, not the norm. Don't fixate on the exception but rather, what it is you need to do to advance. Where you are going and how you are preparing yourself for the future. That is your focus. Keep learning, keep pursuing what motivates you, keep yourself busy, keep helping people, keep the momentum, keep advancing, and keep fighting. When your payoff time comes, you'll know you did it the right way and you deserved what you obtained.

People may try to make you feel guilty, but there is nothing wrong with having success in an area if you've done it correctly. There are enough resources for everyone to have what is needed; your success doesn't mean others go without. Don't let others convince you otherwise. Go get what you want.

At some point, you will have a "menial" job. Does that mean you or anyone else holding that position is boxed in by the job and it's your end point? Of course not. It's simply where you are at some point in time for what could be various reasons. Maybe you need a part-time job while you are going to night school, perhaps you're an intern at a company to learn new skills for free, or you just need a weekend job, etc. There are endless reasons why someone may have a certain job. The point is, you can't let that job define you. You can't accept that any job or point in your life is the end point.

Many people incorrectly define and judge a person based on their current employment. When you met someone for the first time, it's usually one of the first questions people ask: "So, what do you do?" I usually want to answer, "What the fuck does it matter since about half of my time is spent doing something other than work?"

Maybe it's simply conversation people are after, but I get the impression people are sizing me up to understand how they should treat me. How can people get much from the answer anyway? The response is usually a title, which means various things within different companies, across industries, and disciplines. I've changed my reply when asked this question if only to observe the reactions in how people treat me after I tell them. It's amazingly disappointing.

People think they are better than someone else because of the job they are currently in? It's

nonsense and probably massive insecurity driving that behavior.

We're all going somewhere and to let anyone define you—or define yourself—by a current, temporary situation is bullshit. That's why it kills me to see people treating those in the service industry like shit.

People who look down on others based on their perceived economic status or current employment need to ask themselves hard questions. If they never held a low-paying job or one they consider less than ideal, whose success are they living off of? Whose work are they benefiting from? Whose money are they spending at where they are judging the workers?

You are currently living in a town where many kids don't have jobs. Instead, their parents buy them cars, whatever clothes they want, and give them spending money whenever needed. Then, they walk around with an attitude that they are better than others, especially those they assume have less money.

What value have they added to society? What have they produced? If they had ever worked for anything in their life, they'd have respect for anyone who is doing honest work, regardless of the position. Of course, people won't ask themselves these questions because it would require they be honest, which might in turn, require change they're not ready to make. Asking such questions would be too painful and they don't have the character to take that one on.

The parents of these kids need to stop competing with each other based on what nonsense they can buy their children because they are teaching them to chase the wrong things in life. They are trying to fill a void in themselves while actually creating one in their kids.

Girl, you're going to be pretty pissed one day when you realize I'm not buying you shit just because you are alive and want it. That happens now because you still can't wipe your own ass, but soon, you're going to need to figure out how to provide some things for yourself. You'll really be pissed when you find out your first jobs are more than likely going to be volunteering. So, you won't even get paid for your time the first couple of years you start working. You'll say it's not fair, that life isn't fair, but it's what I think is in your best interests long-term. I'm not going to buy you shit, but I'm going to spend time with you. I have to believe that's better for you in the long run.

Maybe people should find out what they are truly made of by not benefiting from the efforts of others but making their own way in the world. Don't ask for help from family connections; don't leverage relationships others have, and, instead, go make your own. Buy things with the money you've earned rather than having things handed to you.

I think it's harder for people to be arrogant if they have earned what they have in life. Being honest with yourself can be hard. What's easy is looking down on others because it temporarily fills a void they have from accomplishing absolutely nothing of value in their own lives.

What if there is a tremendous back story to why someone is in their current job? I wish people would think about this potential story, which is as likely as any other people make up in their minds. Let's assume an eighteen-year-old girl and her ten-year-old brother lose their parents in a car accident. They don't have any other family. The girl quits school and takes multiple jobs in order to keep her and her brother together as opposed to being separated in the foster care system. She has no support system; she's on her own. That girl busts her ass for years taking jobs where she's treated like crap with her only focus being to provide a positive environment for her brother, who's been dealt some tough cards. She never complains, never quits working, and never stops doing what is in the best interests of her brother. She never lives life for herself.

Who, then, is the better person?

The twenty-five-year-old, spoiled brat who comes into a restaurant and treats the server like shit, or the one making a way for the only person she cares about in this world?

Who would you rather spend time with? Who should be looked down upon and who should be put on a pedestal?

See what I mean? You don't know people's back story. You can't understand someone simply by observing them in a job. You can't project your own definition of success on someone else. There's a good chance those challenges may have knocked you on your ass where those people dealt with it and moved on.

Life isn't fair, and you don't need to make it any worse for people so treat them with respect, regardless of where they are when you meet them. You could very easily be on altered trajectories and your positions in life reversed. I've seen it happen. If you become too arrogant, life will humble you...sometimes brutally.

I've lived through situations in my life where it seems like no matter how hard I work toward something, the further it gets away. Simultaneously, I see people not even working hard catching breaks. Their goals flow toward them effortlessly. As if that doesn't hurt enough, they are assholes. They treat people disrespectfully; they lie, and are simply dishonest individuals.

You will face similar situations. It's going to hurt, making you want to give up and abandon your goals. You cannot do that or worry about why this is happening because it's only a waste of time. Worry about what you're doing, how you are living, and the road you are on. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Life will give you many reasons to give up on your goals and dreams, but you are stronger than that. You have the strength to continue on.

What satisfaction comes from getting what you want easily? Pushing through adversity

means when you achieve what you are fighting for it will feel that much better. You'll have an inner feeling of accomplishment that many others will never have an opportunity to experience. You know what you've accomplished and what is important. If you want reasons to give up or excuses to quit, life will give you plenty. There will be times when everywhere you look, there will be reasons to stop and take the easier road much like the average person with the average life.

I'm asking you not to do that.

The difference in people is their ability to fight through those extremely tough times where you are on the edge of failure, bordering your abilities, and on the brink of a breakdown. Then, you figure something out, you find a solution, and you find your way out of the hole. You'll figure out what needs to be done by believing in yourself when everyone else has walked out. You have to be able to see the end result of where you are headed long before it begins to materialize. You have to see what others can't imagine. Envision that it's already happened; you just need to take certain steps that are already in progress. Many people can't see multiple steps ahead or understand how to lay the foundation today for something greater down the road.

The average person settles now for the average job that provides them average things. They can't understand making sacrifices now in order to obtain a better result in the future. That is lacking discipline and focus.

Determine what it is you want and what the necessary steps are to achieve that goal. Maybe you want to work on some type of research related to cancer research. Maybe a specific degree and experience is needed. Perfect...you start putting the steps together. You figure out where it is you need to obtain the degree and find out what is needed to obtain experience in that field. You may need to volunteer at a research clinic because you don't have any contacts there. You may need to work during the days and go to school at night. Maybe you work at a university to receive free tuition because you are short on money. The point is to do some homework and put the steps together to achieve this goal. Then, you actually start taking the steps. Someone else may have this same goal. However, they have parents who simply write the check for school and make a phone call to get a nice-paying internship at the same research clinic where you want to work.

Girl, I told you, life isn't fair. Who gives a shit what others have going on?

Someone else may see this, be discouraged, and/or give up, saying life isn't fair and the path is too hard. That's a shame because ten years from deciding to give up, they could have exactly what they desired; only they couldn't push through the challenges. Rather, they accepted the excuse life gave them to give up on themselves. They'll never experience the satisfaction of striving toward their goals and achieving them.

Understand the rules and work within them as opposed to sitting on the sidelines bitching about the rules and your situation.

I've seen people complain about how they can't go to college, can't start a business, etc. They think the odds are somehow stacked against them and any effort to the contrary would be futile. They are taking the easy and average path. It's much easier to play it safe and complain they never had opportunities than going out and making their own.

Don't put your future in someone else's hands. Don't wait for someone to create a break, make it happen yourself or at least try every avenue possible. Taking risks will scare the hell out of you, but once you face down your fears and win one time, you'll see it's possible.

If you don't have contacts, make them. I've wanted to do things where I have absolutely no contacts or experience. I started making it a point of talking to people I know and ask them if they had any contacts. With one venture I had, it took me several years to make the contact I needed to get started, but then I did. People are willing to help you; you just need to ask and show initiative. Once I started, things fell into place and I was making more and more contacts.

It's momentum. If you're willing to push and push and push until the boulder starts moving, it will begin to roll with minimal effort.

Courageously Start

Getting started seems to be the hardest part of taking on anything new. I think that is why most people won't pursue their goals. They won't go after something they have been wanting. They won't do that venture they always think and dream about. They consider all the negatives and reasons they can't be successful. They can think of all the ways to fail, but they don't consider the many avenues of success. They love the idea of the goal, but the road to get there seems too difficult. So, the ease brought by the momentum never has an opportunity to present itself.

I think of this analogy: You have a ten-foot high concrete wall surrounding you. You only have a small hammer to break through and open up a new world. Most people will hit the wall a few times, maybe try another place on the wall, and probably won't see the results of their effort. They may also witness others who have jackhammers or dynamite and are breaking through their walls with relative ease. This results in them giving up and existing within the walls where everyone around them lives wallowing in self-pity, trapped in a life that they convince themselves isn't so bad.

I need you to be the person who has the focus and determination to take that small hammer and keep chipping away at the barricade around you. You'll see small parts of it break away. You'll see a small hole where the light slips in. Then, you'll get a second wind and break free, finally stepping out into the world that makes life enjoyable.

You'll forget about the struggles and self-doubt.

You'll have confidence for the next time a roadblock presents itself, knowing it's feasible to power through again.

When you've arrived where you want to be, no one asks how or when you broke free; you've just obtained the same result as others. They may have found it easier to bust through their wall, but it doesn't matter because it isn't a focus.

No one cares about your starting point. If they ask, they'll only be impressed you broke into this new world with such a small hammer. They'll be mesmerized with you. You'll be an inspiration to others who strive to do the same.

This is how you handle life's obstacles. You stay the course and don't let what others think prevent you from experiencing what life has for you.

Something that has helped me maintain focus is having the perspective that I chose this life, along with the challenges and obstacles I'm facing. What if that were true? What if, prior to being born, we were able to select our situations, hardships, and fights? Maybe we see the story play out and the positive outcomes when we were able to push past the struggles and see how good things can be for ourselves and those around us. Maybe we see the charity work we can accomplish, the positive changes we can bring to less fortunate people, the overall impact we are able to bring to the world.

We say, "Yes, I'll take these problems because I'll have the strength and conviction to win. I won't give in or give up, give me the chance to prove myself because I want that opportunity to do what others have been too weak to do."

Take this narrative a step further.

What if we were able to see the pain and heartbreak our loved ones were going to face in

this world and we took that burden on our shoulders?

We say, "I can't stand to watch my wife or my kids go through that. Let me carry the weight because I see it could break them. I will be stronger and lighten their loads. I can deal with it." When our days end, let them see what I did for them and how much I loved them. When you look from this perspective of possibility, how can you not fight through the shit life gives you?

# Chapter 3

## Find Peace Within

One of my hopes is that you are able to live your life in peace and to be at peace with yourself.

I don't think you can ever be at peace if you're not authentic. This is the starting point that allows you to be completely at peace with others as well as yourself.

I used to hear people say things like, "Figure out who you are and be that person." I would think, "What the hell are they talking about? Figure out who I am? Who's the jackass who doesn't know themselves? How is that even possible?" However, I get it now and think it's incredibly important that you get it, too.

My hope is that you understand the concept of being at peace. Many people don't seem to pay attention to their inner voice (at least the right inner voice). They don't pay attention to what invokes emotion or passion within them, and they don't develop their talents. They don't allow their interests and abilities to guide them through life. Rather, their focus is on doing things they think will gain them acceptance by neighbors, co-workers, friends, whomever...anyone other than themselves. They seek approval—and need the acceptance—of others. They want people to be jealous and envious of them. It seems they would rather be liked by others than love themselves. They try to compete with and please others while neglecting or even knowing what genuinely generates their own peace. They have become conditioned to think another avenue is better than the one they are drawn to naturally.

Beginnings and Barriers to Peace

Being constantly exposed to the nonsense of society, which doesn't reflect an authentic life nor represent how contentment should be defined, slowly breaks down a person's intrinsic thoughts regarding peace. Consider all the people who lack peace—they see nonsense in the media that is misleading and fills their head with bullshit. There is this need for drama and conflict people seem to thrive on. People are so used to this conflict that the absence of it feels uncomfortable. They are only happy if they are unhappy; only comfortable if they have something to bitch about.

Unfortunately, this unhappiness usually originates around comparing themselves to other people in some manner. They get caught up in following someone else's life rather than living their own. I am shocked at how much time people waste of their own life by watching television shows, reading about, or thinking about someone else's life. Then, they waste more time talking negatively about it. They are obsessed with famous people, but it's not limited to that. They are just as happy focusing negatively on the lives of those in their social circle. What they think they know is probably bullshit anyway. They hear rumors and jump on it, feeding the cycle of nonsense for another week, adding their own morsels and tidbits of falsehood before passing it on to the next fool who will spend the time to listen.

If the frenzy involves someone failing, someone else having a difficult time navigating life, someone struggling...well, all the better. People love that shit.

They have probably done a hell of a lot worse than what they are gossiping about. The only difference is their own actions and thoughts have not been made public so they feel safe. They act as if this gives them a license to put others down, try to damage their reputations, or even more, shame them behind closed doors.

Kid, how can you be at peace when you are participating in this crap?

If you notice, those who are successful and self-confident don't waste time talking about others negatively or competing with people. That garbage doesn't even cross their minds. They simply go about their business and that is enough for them. They don't have time for the other nonsense. They don't have this need to participate in gossip or putting someone down behind their back.

Being content and at peace with yourself will remove the need to zero in on anyone else's life and actions. It just won't matter. You won't be trying to fill the emptiness in yourself by judging others. You won't be comparing yourself to anyone because you are comfortable with your approach to life and following your own desires. If nothing else, it's a waste of time to be focused on the details of another person's life. It only prevents you from focusing on and achieving what you want from life.

You can't obtain positive approval from every single person in your life. People are too different. As soon as you have one person's approval, you'll lose another one's. Thus, seek the approval of only one person...you. When you try to please a plethora of others, it leads to losing the approval of yourself along with most of the people you are trying to impress. When you're good with what you're doing, saying, thinking, producing, others will respect you because you exude confidence.

Get right with yourself and everything will fall into place.

Focus on what truly brings you joy and inner peace.

Everyone has something they can get lost in. Maybe it's an athletic interest, playing an instrument, or maybe even volunteering for charitable activities. I certainly have no idea what your "thing" will be, but I know you have something in you that needs to be nurtured. We all have something that takes us way from the struggles of life and puts us in a place where our actions and thoughts occur naturally and effortlessly. It is something that brings us peace when we focus on it. It relaxes us from deep within.

For some reason, people have a tendency to abandon these activities over time. Maybe

they feel others will think of what they do as odd or even embarrassing. You can't think like that. Whatever your interest is, keep it a part of your life. Make time for it and keep it alive. Maybe you can't be world-class at whatever this activity is, but that is okay. If it's what invokes a positive emotion and brings you peace, it's perfect. Keep that as a part of yourself throughout your life. Nurture it and never let it go.

You may question how you find this thing. Although I don't have the answer, I believe you get clues if you pay attention. No one will know better than you what this is, so make it a point to flush it out. Chances are you already know; you just haven't thought of it in this context.

You may see an elderly person and it creates a feeling of empathy or a desire to help them. You may see a stray dog and have to fight the urge to bring it home. You may find yourself doing something and not realize hours have passed without the worries that previously consumed you. Something you do creates a deep emotion you need to act on. Those are the things you need to spend time pursuing to understand why that is. It just may be your thing, your passion.

Don't ignore the emotions; rather, pursue them and see how deep it goes. How far you can take it. Too many people ignore their interests and callings and passions, ignoring the signs life sends out. You can't manufacture or buy these feelings because they are a gift that is often left unclaimed. It's the true you telling yourself something important.

Slow down and pay attention to what you experience as you go through your daily

routine. Something is trying to guide you, so pay attention. It's much better to listen to this voice

than the multiple opinions shouting at you all day through the constant barrage life is pushing to you, fighting for your attention.

We can all get caught up in the nonsense of life and miss repeated signs for what to actually focus on. Through living a hectic life, jumping through hoops because a boss calls, fighting through traffic for hours to get to a crappy job, and listening to all the noise of life that doesn't really matter, we miss the strongest messages trying to reach us. Try being silent once in a while and you may be surprised at what you hear and feel. It may help to reveal that things aren't what you thought and that particular pursuit you are currently focused on isn't actually of interest or importance. At least, it allows you to let go of those thoughts and beliefs that you are possibly missing something. It's a process, so perhaps it allows you to move on in some way, at the very least.

Many people think '"someday" they'll have time to pursue their true interests, but few

ever do it. They're always waiting for the right time (the perfect time), which prevents you from getting where you want to be. If people had focused on their interests years ago, they could have been living the satisfying life today instead of continuing to think about what they never sought. Waiting for the right time is a way to justify fears and rationalize behavior they know is not appropriate.

People may not even be aware they have stopped paying attention to their true desires over time. As a kid, they only knew how to do what was fun, whenever the feeling came to them. They didn't worry or care about what others thought; they merely went on with what was in them. Kids know their true selves and chase after what makes them happy. They are authentic to themselves.

Unfortunately, at some point, you become self-conscious and concerned with how you are perceived. It may be so long ago and at such a young age when this happened, people can't recall what it was like to approach life in this manner. Their current lifestyle of fixating on how they are perceived by others now dominates their thought process. The people they spend time with drive their decisions regarding what they think brings happiness.

The problem is most people spend time with those who are as lost as they are. Like a couple of lost sheep walking off a cliff together, they maneuver through life miserably because they abandoned a critical piece of themselves at some point. It eroded over time as they allowed the fucked up world around them to influence their thoughts and direct their life. Those desires have been covered up by what they have been told by society should make them happy. Marketing campaigns are trying to sell them shit; they listen to their unhappy friends who want others to be as miserable as they are, etc. The list goes on and on.

Something else that prevents many from finding true inner peace is a lack of maturity. I see an incredible amount of immaturity in people well beyond the years it should be acceptable. They seem to have too much time on their hands so they spend it pursuing useless things that add no value to their lives or the lives of others.

People so worried about what others will think of them, trying to be liked, hoping to gain acceptance and such that they waste their life chasing the wrong things. They are working toward being at peace, yet they seek the wrong things in the wrong manner for the wrong reasons. They want to impress those around them by talking about the possessions they have acquired or they want people to perceive they have an impressive career. They want to tell everyone things they believe will elevate them above those who are listening. The first thing they do wrong is talk about it. People who have accomplished something of value don't usually need to discuss it. It's known, it's observed. This is a result of not being at peace with themselves, so they try to fill this inner void. They are unhappy, but want others to believe they have an envious life. They want to pull up to events in an expensive car, which they think will impress anyone who is watching and taking notes. It's as if they wrap themselves in possessions and words so people won't see the person they actually are. Instead, they are okay with people seeing an image of what they wish they were. It's a vicious cycle, which leads people further away from real passion and a state of being content.

Instead of this approach, my hope is you spend time living in a manner respectful to the person you are, not the person you think others would approve of. Lose the need for the outside acceptance that weighs down so many. It won't provide any benefit for you. We all know what is right and wrong and what is and isn't appropriate behavior. You don't need to get those thoughts or directions from anyone else. Most people are full of shit anyway. (Mostly, full of their own shit). When you get away from focusing on being at peace with yourself and doing what is

satisfying and appropriate, that is when things get sideways for many people.

I see so many trying to please others, being followers and being influenced to such a

degree that I question if they really know who they are and what they truly enjoy and want out of life. They have been walking this path for so long, they are completely disconnected from their own soul. I can't believe they have ever taken the time to fully understand what makes them happy or puts them at peace. The fools probably don't ever think about it because they are so lost in what other jackasses are doing. They look to others to determine what experiences they should have in their own life, the places where they should travel, what they should buy, and how they should spend their time.

Worst of all, they permit others to influence their own goals and what they should accomplish. At some point, when you are much older, sit down alone and think about having only months to live. Take it seriously and reflect on your life. Has it been the type you would want your own kids to have lived? Did you go after the things you wanted and would want your own kids to spend time pursuing? Are you proud of the review of your life? Do you have regret? If so, you have the ability and strength to change it. I promise you that. This type of exercise isn't something you can sit down and do in twenty minutes. You should attempt it several times until you get to a place where you can be completely honest with yourself. You'll know when you are faking it or manufacturing answers rather than being honest. Demand nothing less than complete exposure to your soul on this one. You know what to do with the answers once you discover your truth. You deserve to understand yourself at this level; you can't fall short here. Peace is the goal, and it's not achievable if you try to fool yourself.

People are influenced by the media (and advertisers), their insecure friends, and those with ulterior motives so much that it seems to cover up who they are at their core. They've transitioned into being someone who they think will be liked by others rather than being themselves and attracting like-minded people who they generally enjoy spending time with and have common interests. It's a downward spiral because the more they chase the wrong things, the more frustrated they become—even subconsciously—so they chase more crap that doesn't satisfy them, thinking that will fill the void. After enough time, they realize they are living a life they would never have chosen. Instead, they have transitioned into an image of a person they think will be liked by others. They find that peace is now even further away.

I recently read where people are lied to on upwards of two hundred times per day. So, that means people aren't telling you, or even themselves, the truth most of the time. If you can't believe what people say a lot of the time, how can you adjust to being someone you think they want you to be?

It's a fucked up process where no one gets to be where they should as a person.

If you attempt to be someone who is liked by a certain person or group of people, what are you going to do when you meet someone else? Change yourself again? If everyone else in your circle of friends likes sports cars and you like trucks, fuck it...drive a truck. Live your life doing what you like and screw it; let the cards play out. You'll be fine. If you don't, you'll slowly become unhappy because you have surrounded yourself with people and things you don't obtain happiness from. So think for yourself and be cognizant of how others are influencing you. Don't allow those outside influences to move you away from what is within you. Nothing positive comes from compromising your own desires. It's like two lines starting at the same point, only traveling in different directions. In a short amount of time, those lines are far apart just like the distance you will be from your true self. So far away, you can't imagine these lines converging again.

People seem to think they need possessions to have peace. There's nothing wrong with wanting a nice house, nice cars, etc. The problem comes when the drive for those longings outweighs the desire to be at peace with yourself. Don't start sacrificing time dedicated to activities that bring you contentment for activities that you presume will bring you more possessions. Material things only bring short-term satisfaction, not happiness. One example I've seen of this is someone pursuing a promotion at work only because they think it will bring them more money, status, and then happiness. They have this image in their head of what things will be like once they obtain this promotion so they drive toward it for years, putting their personal interests aside, sacrificing time with their young kids, and shutting everything else down. There is no more balance; they are so narrowly focused on this goal they don't see the years going by. They are kissing anyone's ass put in front of them, working to manipulate their careers, and obsessed with only that one goal. They have already reached financial security for their families, probably already at a point where they could semi-retire and have more time with people they like rather than those they think can advance them toward their goals.

So, the day finally comes for them. They receive the promotion and are happy as hell.

They now have the big house, expensive cars, and can talk about how important they are. A few years later, their kids go off to college and their spouse is driving them crazy. Only then does reality set in that they wasted precious years for what now seems like nothing in return. The house is spacious and beautifully decorated, but it's void of the happiness they thought they would find.

I don't want you to waste a lot of time driving toward something you strongly feel will

bring you happiness only to find out you were wrong because you didn't listen to your inner

voice and your heart about what will bring you peace.

You need to enjoy the path to your goals or you won't appreciate the rewards once you obtain them. You can't tell yourself you "just need to work for a few years" at a job you don't enjoy and will make a change at that time. The few years will become several and then something else will happen. Your time will get extended a couple more years and so on and so forth. On and on the story goes until you find you're the person you swore you would never become. Chasing someone else's idea of success won't produce the feelings you had hoped and then you will only realize, by looking back, that you could have had the happiness you sought all along.

Some people may think they need that nice house in a particular part of town and once they move in, this great life they dreamed about will be a reality. Many times they are wrong; the void they desperately wanted to fill still exists. It's because they were chasing someone else's dream and working toward goals that didn't come from within themselves. Most likely, your family needs your time, focus, and love much more than a new car or another vacation.

Try sitting down and actually listening to your family members. Learn about their fears,

hopes, and ambitions. Find out who they really are. When you fight through the awkwardness,

you may actually discover that to help the people you love doesn't mean buying them things—things they don't want or need (especially kids). Kids know better than anyone that you are looking to satisfy your own needs rather than theirs. Don't use them as an excuse to feed your own insecurities. Buying a kid a new car at sixteen years old isn't something the kid needs. It's something the parents want to brag about having done to their co-workers and friends. The kid may roll their eyes and go kicking and screaming, but they will benefit more from a one-on-one dinner every weekend than a car. How about taking a walk with someone you give a shit about on a regular basis? Compare this to the "peaceful" feeling you get by giving someone an expensive gift that really doesn't enhance their life.

I wonder if many people would even have the desire for certain possessions if others

didn't speak about those same possessions in a positive manner. Those who have them often refer to how much they love them, how it makes them feel, and how they couldn't imagine living without them. I think it's mostly bullshit. They are trying to convince themselves and others that they are enjoying life. By talking this way, fools listen to them and want the same happiness, so they start chasing this imaginary oasis of internal peace.

Thus, they'll spend time talking about how happy they are in a futile attempt to make it appear as if they are happy to the outside world. This is the big myth most people have. It's all a lot of nonsense. They are focused on facade rather than building self-confidence. It's all about their own failure in finding inner peace. If they had this peace, they wouldn't need to bring up how much they enjoy material possessions. It would never enter their minds. They would have other topics to discuss. Meaningful subjects tied to their learning and self-improvement.

Do you think you are born with a desire for a specific job title in hopes someone asks you

at a party what you do for a living? Think you are born with an inner void that is only filled by

an expensive car? I can't believe that is true. Instead, you are conditioned for years to think you should want something others discuss with such fake pride that you strive for the same thing. It's learned from society, not from your true self.

Ever hear someone say they are feeling good because they recently spent a significant amount of time helping others, learning a new skill, or, God forbid, spending more time with their family? If you take the logos from a set of cars and ask people what brand is most appealing, you really think everyone will pick the most expensive? Not a chance, but instead, people want to drive around with something they think others envy, and deep down, their actions simply resemble insecurity and being unhappy with their own life. They don't even know what makes them happy because they are following the herd. They're following the lies they and

others tell.

So, let's break it down: People hear others talking about how happy certain shit makes them; their job title, their country club membership, the important people they know, etc. People listening think those same things would make them happy. They create this need to have the same type of conversations or else they are failing at life. They strive for it, being fake at work in hopes of getting ahead and earning more money. They aren't looking for more time to pursue personal interests, listening to what their kids have to say, or more time making a positive difference in their community. Instead, they want more money to buy more shit they don't really want or need. They act in a similar manner to those above them on an organizational chart, kissing their asses and not even realizing they are embarrassing themselves. They take out a loan for an overpriced car and house they really can't afford, go on vacations which aren't relaxing or providing them with experiences they enjoy so they can have a good story for their friends when

they get back. They entertain people they don't like because they think that's a

better way to get ahead than actually doing their fucking jobs properly.

Before they know it, fifteen years have gone by and they are stuck in a job that makes them miserable in order to pay for shit they don't need or really want. At that point, their true self is pushed so far down inside this fake person they've created, they can't begin to be happy because they don't know what it means. They find themselves living with a person they can't stand, going to a job that sucks out their soul, doing things on the weekend that don't make them happy, and spending time with people they really don't like.

How fucking miserable is that?

Think it's not true?

Take a walk around a store or any public place. Are people happy? What I see is a lot of

sad people, walking around with their heads hung low, and wondering when it will all end. Most people waste their lives chasing things someone else convinced them was necessary. They don't think for themselves.

Don't be like that. Just be yourself, pursue your own interests, and do what comes naturally. You only need to please yourself. Your self-confidence will show through in how you handle yourself. You'll treat others better because you've done so for yourself. Other people will see it and respect that about you.

People are so different; you can't gain everyone's favor. It's not possible, so any attempt is a waste of time and effort.

Who you are is perfect. It's that simple. Be you and own it.

Peace, to me, also means a life free of anxiety, worry, and concern for the future, as well

as not being haunted by the past. It's a life where you are able to absorb your current experiences

fully without focusing on things you cannot control.

I've wasted an incredible amount of time thinking and rethinking on situations I didn't handle correctly and interactions where I felt I could have been more positive. I worried about the potential negative impact I had on others. However, that's living in the past. It's better to learn from what you've done and always try to improve. An unhealthy focus on such things doesn't help. I spent too much time reliving those situations, regretting what I had done to a point it perpetuated the negativity and I couldn't let it go. I would feel like shit about myself for things that happened years ago and other people might not even remember. Living in the past took away a lot of my ability to fully experience the current events of my life and prevented me from enjoying what was currently going on around me. It took me too long to understand what had been done in the past was done. Nothing I could do or wish for would ever reverse what had been done. The only thing I could do was move forward, working to improve myself and trying not to repeat those mistakes.

If apologies are needed, give them and move on. Keep your head up and keep going. Killing yourself over past events will only eat away at your self-esteem and decrease the quality of your life. Everyone fucks up; you'll be no different.

There will be times when you look back on something you've done and can't imagine what led you down that road resulting in the actions you took and words you spoke. It happens to everyone at some point. Take the time to learn your lesson and then put it behind you. It's over.

Constant anxiety about the future is another way to miss out on your ability to enjoy what is happening around you now. If you are living right, meaning you are minding your own business and working toward your goals with ethics and morality, things will turn out fine for you.

Another way to waste time and miss enjoyment of current events is thinking about "what

if." What if you had selected a different path at some point in your life or pursued that one opportunity you walked away from? Again, that is only a waste of time and can make you feel sorry for yourself, which is of zero benefit. You have no idea if that particular avenue would have resulted in something positive for you. It's just as likely it could have led you to trouble you can't imagine right now. It's human nature to think about such things, but only envision extremely positive outcomes and minimal negatives. That choice you made, which keeps you living in the past, could very well have resulted in something tragic. You have as much basis for that belief as any other, so why not be thankful for where you are currently and stop asking yourself, "if only I had..."

I still spend too much time focusing on potential negative events that I think may materialize in the future. I fret over what could happen to you, about my future financial position, am I prepared for the next life crisis...the list is endless.

When I look back on the things I have worried about, most of them never materialized. When they did, the impact was significantly less than what I had imagined. Worrying about those events contributed to them or other negative events manifesting. Almost all were out of my control, so the worry did nothing to alleviate the scenario I was concerned over. Almost all the time I spent worrying and trying to impact the future outcome of situations was a complete waste of time and effort. It was the wrong focus.

Now, for a bit of a contradiction, I still think some concern for the future is healthy. You need to be concerned about the future today because it forces you to prepare and take the steps necessary to be successful in your upcoming milestones, such as your education, what you want to be/do, saving money for a down payment on a home, and so on. The difference is taking steps

to be prepared versus wasting time worrying over things you can't control and have little

influence over.

You can't control someone else's actions. If some jackass is giving you problems, you can't waste a minute thinking about what potential harm they can cause next. The right focus is to go about your life as you would without this fool being a part of it. You are only reducing the quality of your own life by stressing about it or attempting to take any action to offset their potential nonsense.

Stay cool and move forward. Your reputation will show through over a period of time.

My experience is most things work themselves out if you give it enough time. Eventually, people see what is right within a situation. You're going to come across people who don't like you for reasons you will never know. No one goes through life without facing this scenario. Those people will say things that aren't true and others will believe them at times. You cannot change this; it's going to happen. Defend yourself without negative comments toward the person saying things. That only lends credibility to that person. Be better than that and eventually the truth will present itself.

Being at peace means being happy with your path in life without being too anxious for the next step. When I was in high school, I could not wait until I was in college. When I was in college, I thought things would be much better when I finally had a job and could afford to do more things. When I had a job, I could only think about how things would be when I finally made a certain amount of money. Once I had some money, I thought life would be great once I had enough money to actually spend time doing what I wanted to do. I told myself things would be fine when I made it to that next step in life.

Once I had obtained more than I could have imagined based on my start, I looked around

and was disappointed. I was wrong in that the things I thought would bring me peace of mind

didn't at all. I missed the enjoyment of the struggle, the ride, and the process of making it up the hill. I should have enjoyed each of the periods I was in more, knowing I'd eventually have what I was striving for. I didn't know if I'd make it so I was always anxious to get something else which would eliminate my current concern. Once that void was filled, another thing opened up and I was anxious again to move toward the next step. It's like driving a long distance in a car at a tremendously fast speed. When you get where you are headed, you realize you missed a lot of sights along the way.

So, I'm asking you to be patient and have confidence you'll get where you need to be in life. There are good times to be had during the travel; they are all not waiting to show themselves at the end of the trip. The path you traverse may offer as many rewards as what awaits you at the

finish line.

Slow down and enjoy the struggle, the travel, and the people you are taking the ride with you. Everyone has something to offer you. Maybe it's some lesson if you let it unfold on its own timetable.

Enjoy the journey of life. 

# Chapter 4

## Freedom of Religion

Something I've struggled with my entire life is what importance religion should play. Depending on current life events, religion has, at times, played no role and, at other times, it has dominated my thoughts.

What I've always found interesting is my inability to remove religion from my mind completely. Even when I was not allowing it to influence my behavior, it was still in my thoughts, still a struggle demanding attention. It felt as if I were ignoring something that, if allowed, could provide a better outcome than what I was working toward on my own. This feeling seemed to have a desire to initiate something within me if I could get out of its way and allow it to work as intended.

My guess is you won't be exempt from this. You will have the same struggle, probably at multiple points in your life. Like everyone else, you will need to decide how to handle it. If you choose to ignore it, most likely it will not leave you alone or, at least, I hope it doesn't. I hope this isn't what you choose because I don't think it is what is most beneficial for you.

I'm asking you listen to what you are feeling and put some effort into understanding the message working to reach you with balance. I don't know if dismissing it completely or being fully absorbed by it are the only options. They seem to be extremes that never appear to be the right answer, regardless of the situation.

Many people feel these are the only two options, though. They are either all in or all out when it comes to religion. The people in these camps often appear to have a desire to make those in the middle feel out of place or in the wrong. I wish they would accept that people can be on a path and that indecisiveness, and struggling are part of the process everyone works through in their own way with no two paths being equal. For some, it takes much longer than others. I imagine there are those who never get to a place of comfort on this topic. Everyone has their own journey, so don't let people push you in any direction or try to force you toward a short cut of what should be an internal process begging to run its full course.

In return, have that same respect for others who express their thoughts and challenges on this topic. Talking through it and understanding each other's thoughts and opinions could help you both get to where you need to be, which may be very different places, but that is okay.

My belief is religion is, for the most part, a personal journey for each individual. You should seek out people who are knowledgeable about religion, multiple people who can have differing opinions, perspectives, and interpretations of the Bible. However, at the end of the day, you have to decide what is best for you and how to live your life.

I hope you don't ever reach a point where you think you have it all figured either. You should always be working on understanding the lessons in the Bible and how they can positively influence your life and provide you benefits. It's okay to struggle with this and be unsure at times. That's part of the process. Don't be discouraged or abandon it for a significant period of time. As long as you are working through it, trying to understand how things fit into place for you, you're doing well.

Your thoughts and feelings can alter significantly through your life because you will continue to change and gain new life experiences. A relationship with God is similar to other relationships we have. At times, it's a focus and others times the relationship with Him seems distant, although it always seems to be there. It depends on how much you call out to the other to make the relationship a priority.

It's probably better said that God always makes you a priority; the feeling of closeness

depends on your openness to listen and return the effort. It may seem as if He is not reaching out to you, but in reality, He is always calling out and his voice may be falling on deaf ears, which is something you need to correct. That's on you, not Him.

The relationship started to make more sense when I had kids. You kids are a pain in the ass, but even on your worst day, I would end my life for you if I thought it was needed to sustain your own life or even provide opportunities for you to significantly improve your life. There wouldn't be a decision to make really. I would gladly lay it down for you without regret or concern for myself. If we are God's children, as it says in the Bible, why wouldn't the relationships have similarities?

Only a short time ago, you told me you would never love me again. It didn't bother me because right now you're just a little idiot. You're too young to know what you are saying and even if you did mean it, it would not change the love I have for you. It couldn't. So, maybe that is the way God looks at us, thinking we are too stubborn to understand what we are saying and how we are acting toward Him. He's always there when we get our minds straight and gain that desire to return to the relationship. He doesn't hold grudges and is just grateful for the prodigal son to return. He probably looks at us as pains in the ass, too, saying He gave us this life, created us, and we often act inappropriately in return.

Your mother and I chose to have you, bring you into the world, and you currently return that favor by biting us and throwing shit at us. Screaming and complaining over nonsense when it seems you have everything you need and should be happy. If you understood what you have available to you, what has been provided, it seems to us you would be grateful and appreciative. There is no reason to act like a fool, but you often do. Rather than acting as we hope, you get in trouble and have to be disciplined. I don't want to take things away from you, but your behavior

dictates it be done for your long term benefit.

I assume it's similar to how God manages His relationship with us. We think we know what is in our best interests, but only He does and is forced to be harsh at times because it is in our best interests in order to teach us a lesson and avoid bigger mistakes in the future, which will result in even greater harm. He may wonder when we will understand that fact and act appropriately, to take advantage of what He has provided as opportunities rather than what we think is best. Pursue the avenue He has presented rather than trying to create our own. I have to think He shakes His head at what we are doing at times. We probably make things much more difficult on ourselves when He wants things to be easier. However, we refuse to see it.

We work to pay for things such as bottled water even when He drops that shit out of the sky every few days. How much sense does that make? He provides the best food... it just grows out of the ground, but we elect to pay for processed food that does us more harm than good. We think we know what is needed better than He does. Right now, you can't even think rationally, but for some reason, you think you know what is best for you. You think your decision making is better than mine. I feel God's pain in regards to His kids acting inappropriately.

If we let you follow your desires or what comes naturally to you, you would be dead in weeks. When you get older though, you won't have another person following you around, protecting you from yourself, or warning against obvious pitfalls. That's God's role at some point. You'll have to determine how much you want to listen to Him when I move aside and stop being a significant influence on your life. He'll try to guide you and teach you lessons. You need to listen just as you needed to listen to your mother and me when you were little and we prevented you from tumbling down the stairs or walking out into traffic. Don't complain to Him

like you do us, it won't get you anywhere.

Some of our biggest complaints in life are really self-inflicted wounds. We need to look within for the answers rather than blaming God, saying He's not paying attention to our needs or not answering our prayers. Many times we have already been provided the answer. We know exactly what needs to be done, we just don't do it. That's on us, not God. He may have provided the answer, but instead, we look past it because it's not what we want to hear or we're not paying attention to the subtle hints and feelings he initiates. Maybe we don't see the benefits of what has been presented. We try to force an outcome and manipulate situations to achieve a desired outcome we think will be in our best interest, but very well may not be.

When that outcome doesn't materialize, you may look for someone to blame. It's easier to look for others to blame than to hold yourself accountable for the result. It's easier to say God has abandoned you than perform an honest self-assessment. Don't blame God for losing your third job in six months; He's the one who got you the jobs. Maybe you're the goof who keeps losing them. Maybe what you want isn't in your best interests anyway.

If you find yourself feeling this way, try taking a different perspective on the situation and determine who's abandoning who. I'm sure that at different points in your life you will experience events that make you question if religion is worth your time, if it's really what it seems, or you have been wrong in your thoughts all along.

I don't know how anyone can get through life not questioning these things. Don't use these events as a reason to remove God from your life or weaken the relationship with Him. The opposite is most likely a better avenue for you. You don't have anything to lose by taking this approach, so double down and see what happens when the world is raining down on you. When times get tough, there are always things to be thankful for.

So, when you are at a low point, thank God for what you do have and what has been

provided to you rather than bitching about what you do not have. Go help someone who's really in need and you may find yourself being the one who benefits most. Volunteer at a shelter; give away your last hundred dollars to someone in worse shape, just do something for someone else. It may help put things in perspective if you turn the tables on yourself. Sitting around crying, complaining, and feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to get you where you want to be. It will only keep you in that state longer.

Meaningful Conversations with Yourself

A significant struggle for many is making sense of all the bad people and events that exist in this world. It's hard to understand why life gives us so much heartache and devastation. Every day, you can easily find people who are struggling, whether emotionally, physically, financially, or mentally. Why? Why in a world that is supposedly created by someone with a level of love we cannot comprehend.

At the highest level, you can't ignore that the world is a tough, tough place for many. There are ruthless leaders who put their country's people through indescribable pain and suffering. The reasoning is difficult to understand because those actions seem to be driven by their desire for power or to control the country's resources and people. That's it—a need for excessive control and power. If allowed such influence, we can't comprehend using it to expand our own life's comforts and exert negative influence over those we don't even know. People whose welfare is in our hands would, hopefully, see the best we have to offer, not the worst qualities of mankind. It makes no sense. Just because we struggle to see it, because it's happening far away, doesn't make it less real. It makes it easier to ignore. We can't ignore or deny it is happening. It's just not as easy to see or comprehend as what we observe in people as we walk around town. Millions of people are living under brutal circumstances and no one is coming to help them anytime soon. That is the reality for many and there is no end in sight for those suffering the most. Why?

It's incredibly hard to understand, especially if you believe in the existence of a loving God. These circumstances even make it hard for people to believe in the presence of a loving being who allows the continuation of even one person's struggle.

How can anyone understand why this is happening?

Closer to us, in ways, we can see and experience at a personal level, on a daily basis even, we see people struggle through life and face repeated challenges which drain them of any desire for life. You see good people going through adverse experiences they don't deserve. You see innocent kids struggling to obtain the basic necessities of life, being abused, and learning early on the worst life has to offer. It's hard to see these things and believe God is okay with these events taking place and doesn't step in and right all the world's wrongs. What type of driving force would sit on the sidelines and watch such awfulness happen to the people He created?

How can you not think about others who are struggling and not feel guilty about the benefits life has made available to you or about the positives aspects of your own life? How do you reconcile these situations? You have to be careful not to be consumed with trying to understand this. If you overthink it, you may feel a great deal of culpability about your own situation, wondering why God favors some people over others.

Is that what is happening?

Why does it appear some are given much and others little? It's hard to observe the

negativity of the world and not question the role or even the existence of God at times. How can

you possibly understand what God is doing and why?

I don't have the answers; no one does.

No living person probably ever will.

People may have thoughts and beliefs, but they don't know and that's where faith enters the picture. It's as if you have to believe there is a reason so many negative things happen. That reason is incomprehensible, yet could be working toward a greater, positive outcome. I have to believe there is a purpose behind what is happening and it's not simply random events we are subject to. If randomness were the answer, then your actions and approach to life wouldn't matter. There would be no consequences beyond what is imposed by other people and/or society. You have to have faith that someone or something is behind the curtain, pulling the strings, and there is a bigger plan or picture in mind. Things we cannot comprehend and that our actions do matter. Our inner voice, our conscious, does matter and should influence our behavior. Someone or something placed this awareness within us.

Just because others ignore their inner voice doesn't mean their behavior is and should be acceptable to us. I can only say that right now, at this point in my life, I'm thinking negative situations arise to teach us lessons and let us advance our thinking. They allow us to grow, advance our character, and learn what is important when we start to veer off course.

Maybe we all come here to learn different lessons. Maybe this life isn't as important as we make it out to be in terms of what is happening day-to-day. Maybe what we think is important, really isn't. Maybe this life is a short time compared to what is next for us so God gives us an opportunity to play things out to a certain point through free will. Thus, what happens here is not very meaningful since it's temporary. When compared to eternity, many of our problems and struggles are a joke. People lose the perspective that some of life's complaints are nothing more than minor, temporary inconveniences.

It's similar to your perspective on events at a young age in life. There are things we look back on, events which seemed so important to us we wondered how we could survive if the outcome didn't meet our desires. After many years pass, they may be nothing more than a distant memory and even laughable at this point in our life. If we ask questions of why God allows bad things, I think it's only fair we ask ourselves some tough questions. We owe that to Him and to ourselves. Why do we look for Him to fix things when maybe He's given us the ability to fix what we bitch about? Maybe He's asking how can people sit on the sidelines and not intervene to fix the issues our fellow mankind is experiencing.

I also accept that there are things I will never make sense of or understand. My mind is too limited. I'd like to find meaning in things, which seem to only hurt those involved, but it's beyond my capacity to comprehend. I've come to accept it in a way, which allows me to move forward rather than stop my progress toward improving myself. It would be easy to use negative events as reasons to give in and, thus, give up. To say it's a shitty world and add to the pile. So, I'm sure you will struggle with understanding why evil exists, as well, but know it always has been and may always be a part of the world you live in.

What I'm asking is that you don't let this be a reason to distance yourself from religion. No one has been able to make sense of this one, so be careful with it. Don't let the existence of bad reduce the good you can provide to others. Don't let it cause you guilt. Don't let it taint you and your thoughts. Don't let it create a negative attitude. Don't let it damage you. Don't let it scar you.

Accept it as a part of this world and a part of your life, but don't let it expand within you in any way.

I've experienced one pattern of behavior by people enough times that it caused me to

question my thoughts on religion. I've had enough negative experiences with people who advertise how strongly religious they are that I questioned if religion was a farce. I've noticed that for many such people their actions are in direct opposition to their holy words. They follow religious guidelines when it's convenient or when they think it will be beneficial. I've witnessed people telling others how they are active in their church, attend Bible study, etc. and I talk to that person one-on-one and they say incredibly inappropriate things, lie about people, or are just an asshole. They think mentioning religion gives them an advantage in their career or personal position. I know the real person though who doesn't abide by any rules other than what is most beneficial to them at the moment. They do and say whatever they think is in their best interest at the time and then change when their situation alters.

The lesson is to pay attention to what people do over an extended period of time, not what they say. When it's an easy path, they say religion is guiding them. When they think the words will sound positive to those listening, they will make religious references as if to tell everyone they can be trusted and have earned the support of God. God is on their side so their actions must be driven by a higher power. They can't help but tell people they follow religious guidelines and attempt to make this known to everyone who will pay attention to them. I've listened to such things and then observed the same person taking advantage of people, misleading them, exhibiting selfish behavior, and/or being a con. I've seen them steal and damage people's lives without any regret.

The people I'm talking about use religion to create a persona. They "turn on" the religious talk when needed and then return to who they really are at their core when in a different environment. Maybe they think it's harder for people to challenge them when they use religion as a shield. People don't seem to challenge someone who presents themselves as religious because

they think it's indirectly questioning God.

The notion is nonsense. The reality is they are simply dealing with bullshitters. When holding to religious principles may lead to negative consequences for themselves such as their financial position or career, they find it easy to abandon what they said were their religious principles.

Isn't that exactly what defines having principles, though? Holding on to them when everything tells you it's better for your self-interest to put them aside is exactly what defines someone's ethics and, thus, their character. It's easy to talk about having them when you've never had to make a decision to suffer some consequences by adhering to them. You've never lost a job, a relationship, or money because of sticking to what you think is the right way to live. Even the potential loss of something can make people abandon what they say are guiding principles. These people easily give in to urges and succumb to their vices. They don't even come close to religious discipline. They compromise what they indicated were strong convictions instead of holding on to their beliefs. This tells me they were only words and not a true indication of their character.

A true conviction is when you hold on to beliefs when you think it will result in negative consequences. People can speculate what they would do and say what they'd like, or even follow a moral and ethical path, but until they are tested and proven in these situations, their opinions are just words to me. They are misleading people and using religion to misrepresent themselves. They are hiding who they really are, hoping the hollow words they speak will mask their true character.

I have found those people to be the most dangerous because you don't know their true nature or intentions. I'd rather be around people who are clear about who they are to others. If they are bad and own it, I'll take that over someone who hides behind religion. Be wary of people who very quickly, upon meeting you, indicate how righteous they are. In my opinion, there's no reason to mention such a thing to an acquaintance so early on in a relationship. There's actually no reason to mention this to anyone at any point. This is something people will notice, in others, over time. People who have to tell others how religious and righteous they are must be covering something up, thinking they can convince themselves everything is okay just by hearing themselves talk in a manner much different than what they are feeling and their desires. Subconsciously, they know they are screwing up and this is their avenue to cover it up.

Because of these experiences, at one point, I felt religion was a joke, really. I placed everyone in the same bucket, thinking all religious people, and, thus religion, was a fraud. I mentioned these experiences and my thoughts to someone I truly believe puts his religious beliefs first as guiding principles, someone I respect and wish I could be more like in this aspect. He walks the walk. He said something that changed my perspective: He said my issue is with people, not religion.

He was right.

What I described is a weakness of individuals, not religion. What I described was fools, people who attempt to hide behind religion, not follow religion. They are hiding who they really are, putting the authentic person away for another day or another situation. Their behavior doesn't make the principles less valuable. The people have internal struggles and hope they can keep others from knowing. I didn't separate the two.

Instead, I used my experiences as a reason to dismiss religion when I should have dismissed the actions of certain people. I needed to take a different perspective that we all have challenges and struggles. This doesn't mean I want to be around any of these fools, I just should not have let the actions of these people cause me to dismiss religion or think the lessons are not valid. They are not religious people, at all; they merely go through the actions to make it appear as if they are religious. It's about perception to them, not substance.

Be conscious of this distinction. Separate what people say and what they actually do and judge them on the latter. Don't be influenced by religious references; don't let those types of comments overshadow how someone actually acts.

Many people confuse knowing the Bible well with being religious. You'll run into those who are well-educated on the Bible and who can easily quote it chapter and verse. That doesn't really prove anything. It simply means they have read the Bible, maybe many times, and know it well. It does not translate to someone who integrates the lessons into their life. It does not mean this person lives by the teachings they so easily quote.

The hard part about religion is setting aside what may come easily, and what is innately within us, succumbing to our desires to follow what our conscience tells us is right. To act in a way which puts our selfish needs behind those of others. To love those around us. Many people get the first part and like to make sure everyone around them knows they know Bible stories.

So what? Is that really different than knowing the words of any other book if they are living a life separate from its teachings?

It's easy to be convinced by the words people speak. Add religion into the mix and many people back off a bit, thinking the person must be better than themselves because of Biblical references. If you find yourself having issues with religion, make sure it's truly religion causing you the struggle, not someone's misuse of it. Don't be quick to turn away from what you think is right or look for reasons to abandon what you know is right for you long term.

Throughout your life, you will go through times when you significantly struggle with

aspects of religion and maybe even religion as a whole. Why does God make us work? Why does He make us struggle? Why does He expose us to misery? Those times can have an incredibly positive impact on your life. I'll argue that someone who hasn't struggled with such questions has missed out on something. During those times, explore your thoughts, work to better understand what puzzles you, and figure out what confuses you.

Reach out to various people when it's appropriate to obtain many thoughts and perspectives in an effort to form your own. Ask questions; admit you are confused and struggling. Work at it and work it out. You'll learn a lot through these times. Don't ignore the questions and concerns you have. No one has all the answers, so you need to find your way to the answers that work for you.

It's the journey, the constant advancement, and the development of your thoughts that matters. Don't ignore the questions; you are getting them for a reason. As in all things, there needs to be a balance, though. Don't allow it to stop your life or keep you from living your life until you "figure everything out." It's a significant part, but one of many aspects of your life. It should be used to enhance the other parts of your life.

I've often said, "I don't have the time" to attend church or read the Bible. If that's where you find yourself, reevaluate what is taking your time and priorities. You may have to make some changes because it's likely you aren't focusing on what is most beneficial for you. Take a hard look at what you're doing with the time. Are you helping others for the right reason? Are you spending your weekends at work because someone else isn't doing their job during the week? Is someone in your personal life dictating your schedule with unnecessary tasks?

Take a hard look and make sure you have the right balance.

Regardless of your thoughts on religion, I hope you will read the Bible. Remove all

thoughts about religion for a minute. How can you not read the most influential book in human history? No other piece of literature has been responsible for igniting as many wars, created desires to eliminate complete societies, and also responsible for tremendous guilt for millions of people. Yet, this same book is also credited for providing the hope and belief needed by many to make incredibly positive changes in their lives, inspiring people to realize the potential within themselves, and providing guidance for millions to live their life in a positive manner.

Why would anyone not read such a book?

You may not understand the writing style or all the messages, but fight through that. Keep at it, regardless of how much or little you read at a time. Just make it a goal and achieve it; it's not that much of a commitment to read a book. I'm merely asking you to read one book. All I can tell you is when I've made it a commitment to read the Bible on a consistent basis; it makes slight, positive changes. I'm reading a small amount every day when I am alone and it's quiet around me. It makes me feel more peaceful and tolerant. I still lose my mind on people, but overall, it helps me be a better person, so it's worth the amount of time I dedicate to it.

I think the same will happen to anyone who reads the Bible every day with an open mind. It works for me, so that's all I can say. It doesn't mean anyone else needs to know about it, it's something I do for me and I believe it benefits those around me. It will help you, as well, so, please invest time on this one.

If you don't believe in God or think religion is negative, wouldn't you still want to read it to counter others' thoughts and misguided beliefs? Wouldn't you want to be educated on something so influential on the world? Why would you stay away from that? People spend time reading gossip magazines and tabloids, but can't find the time for a book that has impacted the world for thousands of years. For some reason, there seems to be a thought that people who read the Bible or dedicate time to understanding it are weird, have issues, are boring, etc. These people are often thought to be weak-minded, easily influenced, even soft or meek. There are many negative adjectives used here. I'm not sure why there is a type of stigma associated with Biblical knowledge. It's as if someone can't be strong, successful, and enjoy life while at the same time allowing religion to play a significant role. With all the weird shit people do, I'm not sure why this one is considered so odd. If you feel this is the case for you and the people around you, then you have an opportunity to change that perception or, at least, don't let that be what holds you back.

You don't have to be an angel to read the Bible. You don't have to present yourself as anything different than who you are. You're someone who's reading the Bible. It's that simple. You can still be strong, stand up for yourself, kick someone's ass, and allow the Bible to guide your life. All these can co-exist. You don't need to hide the fact, but you certainly don't need to advertise the journey you are on.

Like everything in life, it's about balance. Find yours and let it work itself out. Go with it and see where it leads you. 

# Chapter 5

## Never Limit Yourself

The greatest hurdle to achieving what you want from this life is you. No one can place more obstacles in your way, create more unjustifiable concerns or intensify your insecurities than you can. Unfortunately, it's common for people to have self-doubts to such a degree it not only prevents them from reaching their potential; it stops most from doing anything other than dreaming.

Fear of the unknown, of what new experiences may bring, keeps them living in a small circle of comfort, even if it brings continued disappointment and frustration. They are paralyzed to such a point where they can't conjure up the strength to take that first step toward manifesting what life has to offer. They don't allow themselves to pursue opportunities or take risks that could provide tremendous benefits. Fear keeps them in this safe zone where they are familiar with what will happen even when these events are associated with a feeling of being stuck. Caught on a path that will never result in the life they desire...and they know it. They know something better is available, but the negative feelings they are experiencing are familiar and they know how to maneuver through the day with them.

So, people take familiar over the unknown, regardless of it being to their detriment, misery or resulting in unhappiness. They are comfortable being uncomfortable and that's where they stay. They convince themselves they are happy being unhappy. It's as if they have walked back and forth on the same path for so long that a deep ditch has been formed and they can't see above the sides of that ditch which they themselves created. They can't imagine seeing anything but the walls of this ditch.

There is an incredible, awesome life just above their view, but this ditch is all they know

after so many years of staying in this one lane, wearing a path so deeply that their world has condensed to the few things they can see around the small environment they have created. They even spend a considerable amount of time thinking of feasible ways to climb out the ditch to experience everything they have dreamed. Then, negative thoughts enter their mind and place a ceiling on them, stopping them from taking the steps necessary to get out of their current situation. Thus, they never make a positive move up, but rather keep walking that familiar path. They talk about how they want to have new experiences or consider feasible avenues to achieve what is wanted, but never take actions, which could result in achievement of their desires. They even go so far as inventing theories that justify their lack of action. They say people outside this ditch must have qualities and characteristics they themselves don't possess.

Other people are just different, as if they were born being better and deserving of better experiences and a better life. That's the reason they are where they are and will always be there. The only reason others have a better life is because they were "designed" for it. They tell themselves that they are inferior and need to accept their role in life. They tell themselves that "people like them" were born to live in their current environment and without the benefits "others" were born to experience. They convince themselves that outside the ditch must be scary, as well. So scary and risky that only the irrational would venture out. Thus, it's better they stay in the familiarity of their current environment.

These thoughts are not based on any facts and are actually contrary to presented evidence. Based on nothing but self-doubt, these thoughts become excuses that result in avoidable desperation. The thoughts then become reality because they have placed mental barriers upon themselves and, over time, believe they are real and can't be penetrated. If they took some basic steps though, they could leave this environment that has become familiar and experience all the things they have imagined would always remain outside their grasp...and probably much more. Sure, they would be tested, but they could easily adjust in the same manner they have in the past, quickly becoming as comfortable in this new world. They would quickly realize they could overcome whatever challenges this new environment presents. They would find out it's not much different than what they have experienced in the past. They have all the qualities needed to thrive in the world that has mentally intimidated them for so long. Their only regret is they didn't take this path many years earlier. They can't get past the negative thoughts they placed in their own head. Can't quiet the self-doubt shouting above all the rational beliefs and common sense, which they know are most valid.

The negative thoughts usually aren't based on any actual facts or experiences, rather what they perceive as threats and potential negative consequences. The negativity isn't balanced with the potential upside benefits of pursuing new avenues.

Focus on the Upside

If people listed the potential negatives in one column and potential positive outcomes in another, most would find the upside so much more significant it would only make logical sense to take on the risk. Most likely, the downside is not nearly as devastating as what is imagined either. The upside is underestimated and the downside considered unbearable. This creates a gap most don't consider possible to fill, so based on their quick analysis, they give up and excuses are formed. Unfortunately, many of the thoughts we have aren't formed from logic, but are protective in nature; at least that's what I assume. Protect us from what is the question though.

People could be presented the same set of circumstances, but told they relate to someone else and their opinions change, would even give that person encouragement to pursue those new options, take advantage of new opportunities, and take those risks in life to obtain what they desire. They see the potential positive outcomes for others, but only negative results for themselves. Given another perspective, the scenarios look completely different. It's similar to viewing someone walking through a maze at a high vantage point. It's easy to see how the person could find the exit and be free.

When the person in the maze is you, you can't see the outcome, only walls. You don't have the correct perspective others have. You get confused and frustrated when everyone else sees the task as feasible. So many people defeat themselves before the race even starts and it's only due to their own thoughts stopping them. No one and nothing else halts them but their own made up, false thoughts.

This seems to be human nature, so I'm sure, at some point in your life, you will build up your own walls and experience self-doubt. It happens to everyone multiple times throughout their life. People who are able to pursue opportunities and take risks regardless of these negative thoughts are the ones who reach their potential or, at least, get much closer than the majority. They are not stopped from pushing themselves and reaching their goals by the negative thoughts that enter their mind. They move forward regardless and realize these thoughts are just that... thoughts which cannot limit their experiences, their achievements, and/or their accomplishments. They know these thoughts are nothing more than distant voices that need to be heard and then put away. So, ignore the negative thoughts that say you can't start a business, can't take a new job, or can't change your life. It's simply nonsense.

If you had a friend who was sitting beside you all day, every day, telling you how undeserving you were, how likely you are to fail and degrading every positive thought you had, it would be an easy decision to remove that alleged friend from your life. The negativity they direct toward you would drive you insane.

For some reason, people accept those same thoughts from themselves, from their self-talk and never ask that "person" to leave. They buy into the words, believe them, and allow them to shape their lives and drive decisions, which result in a life of unfulfilled potential. Once you push through one situation where you have these self-doubts, you will realize how foolish it was to hold yourself back. It will give you confidence to move forward again and again, and then the momentum will start to build. The negative voice will begin to fade.

You just need to know that when you are taking on something new, it can be incredibly difficult, but overcoming fear and anxiety will provide incredibly positive feelings and confidence many people don't experience. It's a gift you can and need to give yourself. You can't buy it; you can't take it from someone else.

Only you can experience the feeling that comes with accomplishment. The feeling of ignoring your fear and overcoming it. The feeling of overcoming obstacles while staying focused on your goals.

You will experience these things and benefit from them by embracing the unknown and taking on challenges. Being okay with not knowing how things will turn out, having the confidence to believe you will adjust as needed, knowing challenges are just opportunities and actually looking forward to them presenting themselves so you can overcome them. Put yourself in a mental position where you look at the unknown as a positive. An opportunity to experience and overcome new challenges allows you to grow, to silence your negative thoughts, to create a life of which you can be proud.

Handle your inner thoughts and doubts properly and it won't matter what anyone else has to say. Your only competition is you. Win that battle and you're sure to be successful and achieve amazing things. Life can be a lot of fun when you stop limiting yourself so get off your ass and

make things happen. Don't listen to the negativity whether it is from you or anyone else.

I'm waiting to see what you have inside you once you learn to get out of your own way, kid.

What else prevents most people from pursuing goals and taking chances?

One word. Fear.

Fear of failing. Fear of what others will think. Fear of letting people down.

However, the only fear you should be concerned about is being at the end of your life and wishing you had tried more things, taken more risk, and taken advantage of opportunities you were presented. That is what you should be afraid of, nothing else. It would mean you missed out on what was offered to you in this life and now time has won; there is no way to make up what has been lost once the end has presented itself.

Feeling that way is the only fear I hope you consider real. The others are nothing more than paper tigers. This is what you should be working to avoid...allowing fear to direct your future.

Think about this when you are struggling to make a decision, if your end comes and you tried over and over and over with the only result being that you failed, then you should be proud of how you lived. You didn't fail. In my opinion, you lived in a manner most wished they had had the guts to live.

The person who never failed at anything never pushed themselves to understand their limits. They lived without actually living and that's not for you because it's the easy and safe play. You can do better for yourself.

I'm not always going to be around to encourage you and push you, so it needs to come from within. Most people don't take a chance on themselves because they think they will lose something, usually money, some possession, or status of some kind. Think about what you really have to lose, though. It's probably not as bad as what you imagined. Think about every time you have envisioned a terrible outcome and had anxiety about it. Did it really occur? Was it as devastating as you thought? Most likely, it wasn't insurmountable even if it occurred at all. It's rare there is ever a monster under your bed. Even if there was, you could handle whatever it offered up. That's the way you need to think and take on life. You could always end up the hero who slayed the dragon. If not, as least you took it on and there's certainly no shame in that.

When people think of doing something they have never done before, there's some associated fear. That fear is what stops most people immediately. They never break down exactly what they are afraid of and assess the real risk though. They feel the fear, back off, and then think of a reason not to proceed. They never move beyond thinking of doing something because the fear overwhelms them. Thoughts never become action. They are paralyzed by thoughts of negative consequences or moving forward.

What would you do if fear were removed from your thinking? What if every time you thought of an idea, thought of what you enjoyed doing, and how to spend your time pursuing your passion and dreams, you only thought of the upside? What if you could envision how peaceful and rewarding your life would become by pursuing new avenues? What if there were no thoughts about what your neighbors would think of you, what people would say behind your back, and that voice in your head bringing up all the reasons you should not pursue your dreams? Removing fear can change your life because you would then follow your heart. You would go with what you know is right, rather than living a safe, ordinary life.

Many times, people are only concerned with what others will think. That's their real fear. Most likely, it's even worse than that because it's what they envision others will think. They have no idea what will actually be said about them, so they are setting a course for their life based on

negative thoughts regarding potential events.

As I suggested before, you can't give a shit what anyone else thinks about you. You certainly can't control what is said about you, so you might as well just move forward with what you think is the correct path and not worry about it. Most likely, the anticipated negativity won't materialize anyway. Even if it did, why would someone allow what others say and think to prevent them from pursuing their ambitions? Find me one person who has achieved success who, when they started, shared their visions with people and everyone said how great it was and they should go after it. It was sure to be an immediate and incredible success. There is no such person. It's just not the way things happen.

It's human nature for people to shoot down another person's dreams. It's better for them because they don't have to see friends be successful in a very personal way. It makes it easier for them to accept their own mediocre life and allows them to go through life without making hard decisions and taking risks themselves. Most people demonstrate negative attitudes and outlooks, so your being successful puts in front of them the reality that they are falling short of their own potential and it's possible for them to improve by taking risk and ignoring the fear they haven't yet been able to conquer. Someone close to them overcoming their own fear and realizing their dreams isn't something they want to deal with. Most people don't want to face that, as it's too much for them to handle. It's better they see the negatives in your dreams because it's self-serving.

You think every successful person had it handed to them?

They all heard the same negative voices in their head. The only difference is they made a conscious decision to ignore them. They disregarded the people telling them they were foolish. They discounted the people who advised against it and told them to play it safe. They did what I

need you to do, which is to put fear aside and work on your dreams.

I bet you every person you consider successful could tell you stories about how people laughed at their ideas and ignored them at some point. They will also tell you about their multiple failures. They aren't living off those failures but rather, their successes. No one is looking at them now and focusing on the road they traveled. Instead, they are seeing the end result: success.

If you start a business and it fails, that doesn't equate to you being a failure. You learn lessons and move on to the next one. You are afraid you will lose your life savings and won't have money? Well, most people don't have a pile of money and they struggle through. You'll figure things out as you go because you'll have to. It may present the motivation to be successful the next time because you don't have any safety nets. You'll learn more about your abilities and skills than the jackass who goes to work in a cube every day laughing at the boss's jokes and being fake just to capture that shitty paycheck every couple weeks. They are the people who should be embarrassed.

You figured out many things in the past, so why would the future be different? Everything you are capable of doing today, you weren't that good at during some point in your life. You fell on your ass plenty of times and cried as if the world were ending. You made it through though, and still learned to walk. The only failure would be if you stop pursuing your passions and goals because of fear.

Again, you only need to get past yourself and your own concerns. Don't worry about failing; that shouldn't stop you from doing anything. Never trying is far more embarrassing. It doesn't take guts to sit out of the game and critique everyone who's actually paying in the game. The person who never pushed themselves, never grew or advanced mentally or physically; they took what was presented to them and no more. They only experienced what someone else decided they should. They never took what they wanted from life. They never provided what they were capable of to their families.

Those people benefiting from you may not even know your name if you work in a large organization. They are using you to advance their own position and standing in life. They will benefit from your work ethic, your determination, and your discipline. Why not take those attributes and focus them on what you want rather than allow someone else to leverage your skills for their own advancement?

This doesn't have to be related to only business opportunities. I'm talking about any aspect of your life where you think you are settling. Even if you have become bored with your life and want to change careers, it's the same thing; take the steps necessary to provide the opportunity for yourself. I'll be disappointed if you find yourself in a situation where you are miserable and simply accept it as part of life. Maybe you can take that approach for a couple weeks, but, at some point, you have to stop feeling that way and start moving in a different direction. Develop a plan and execute it. That alone will make you feel better.

Once people believe their feelings of frustration and disappointment are permanent, that's when the real misery sets in. You can do anything for a period of time if you know it's only temporary and are working toward a different outcome. You can stay at a job you dislike if you change your perspective to using the job to fund your life while you obtain the skills and education needed to obtain the job you really want or to live the lifestyle you truly desire. Use your current paycheck while you look for somewhere else to spend your time. Once you get to that mindset, the nonsense becomes less intrusive and doesn't consume your thoughts. You haven't accepted your current situation as permanent; it's a just necessary evil for a short period of time. It will soon be over and forgotten. All the frustration will barely be a memory. You will soon be in a more desirable place and leave the ass-clowns at your current job behind.

Start the momentum moving in a different direction. It will build and you'll feel better knowing you are heading where you want to be, need to be, are supposed to be, and where you are needed. Once you decide you've had enough and won't accept your current situation, change your mindset...and be patient. What you want will come so enjoy the walk toward achieving your goals.

Another reason people don't continue to work toward their goals is that they stop the first time they are faced with an obstacle or unanticipated event. No one can map out exactly how they are going to achieve something and then have every step fall into place exactly how and when they planned it. You can't even do that for a commute you have taken hundreds of times. You may come across an accident, which delays your arrival time and forces you to take a detour, maybe you are pulled over for speeding, could be any number of things. Some are your fault and others aren't.

Whatever the problem or cause, it doesn't stop you from getting where you need to be. It's just a delay. You don't go back to where you started and just accept that you can't make it to your destination. That isn't something you would even consider. You adjust and move on. The reason is you know multiple ways to get to your destination. You've previously taken alternative routes for various reasons. So, when something unanticipated happens, don't question if you should give up, think of an alternative and continue. You continuously move toward your destination regardless of what has been put in front of you. You should have the same approach to life situations. You will run into issues for which you need to adjust your plan or approach. If fact, every plan you have for any significant event will need to change when you begin to execute it. Probably multiple times. It doesn't mean the plan is not the right one; it just needs to be adjusted so you can continue on your path like the commute I described.

Do what is needed and move forward. Many people see such issues as the excuse they needed to abandon their plans and goals. It's as if they are searching for that excuse all along as opposed to having the foresight to anticipate setbacks and understand they will need to work out a solution when they materialize. You need to have the attitude that nothing will prevent you from achieving your goals.

Don't be like so many who walk through life searching for a reason to fall short of obtaining what they have every right to claim. Be flexible with your plans, knowing they are an outline, not a permanent structure that can't be altered. Your success will depend on your ability to be flexible; varying your plans as needed due to new circumstances no one could have anticipated. The changes could very well result in a better outcome anyway. You may start off with a desire for one thing and realize something else is a better fit for you.

Every person in the world has faced setbacks. Some deal with them and others let them end their journey and then talk about what could have been if it weren't for bad luck. No one escapes obstacles, so understand they will come your way and are part of your life. Knowing they will come, anticipating something challenging will present itself, and knowing you will work around it is half the battle. Be prepared and look forward to what may present itself because it could pivot you down another, more beneficial road. Get in the game and drive the outcome to what you want.

I think everyone is given an avenue to be successful in life; however, they define that for themselves. We are given a skill that will allow us to not only survive but to thrive and have abundance.

Finding your niche can start with nurturing your ideas. Everything manmade in this world started at the same place: an idea in someone's mind. I need you to be the type of person who transitions ideas into action and, thus, something of value to yourself and others. There are people who have had tremendous ideas, but the difference between them and those who realize their dreams are that they didn't do anything with them. They let them die. They didn't believe in themselves enough to bring those ideas to life, which could have allowed them to advance toward what was wanted. You may have ideas regarding things you don't have any experience doing. You may want to start a nonprofit organization, which benefits a cause important to you. For many, the fact that they don't know anyone who has done such a thing or have someone to walk them through the steps needed means their idea only exists as that—an idea.

You need to be different, go figure shit out. Go find someone who's done it. Find a non-profit and ask to speak with the founder. Go read about people who have done what you want to do. Keep trying until you figure things out. Get out of your own way and have the approach that you will figure it out at some point based on your continued efforts. Your ideas are something of substance and they are feasible.

Don't follow what most people do by wishing for things. Wishing doesn't do anything; only action does. Here's another simple example: I know a guy who dreams about owning a classic sports car. I asked him some simple questions and I immediately knew he'd never own that car. I asked him how much the car cost, how many were made, if he knew how to find such a car, etc. He had no answers to any questions, so it was obvious this thought would always remain just that unless someone bought the car for him. He put his dream in the control of someone else rather than making it come true for himself. He had never created a plan to own the vehicle; therefore, he never executed on that plan. It's the same for many people's desires and

achievements for their life. They think about what they want and that's it.

People sell themselves short by not having the belief and confidence they can put into action their ideas and make things happen for themselves. They are waiting for something to show up at the door that will change their lives. It isn't going to happen so they move through life wishing for more and knowing deep down it will never happen. The only reason is they are standing in their own way.

Don't hold yourself back. 

# Chapter 6

## Be Purposeful with Your Time

As important as how you spend your time is who you spend that time with. This is something you must be conscientious and purposeful about in life. You will be endlessly making a decision on this although many people move through life without giving it much thought. They continue with relationships because they have always been there, no other reason. They may have known someone since they were young. Maybe they spend time with family members because that's been an established relationship for their entire life and what they think is expected. Just because someone is a relative doesn't mean you must have a relationship with them, especially if they bring a great deal of negativity to your life. Sure, it's your "family," but you have to look out for yourself. At some point, the family you create will need to take priority over the one you were born into.

Another reason people spend a great deal of time with someone is a result of being co-workers, neighbors, or even friends of friends. Many relationships weren't formed from a point of shared interests or one of mutual respect and true enjoyment of each other's company but rather, convenience and ease. Everyone changes as they go through life and those changes may drive a need to review existing relationships.

Circumstances change people over time so someone you've known for years may no longer be the same person you spent time with at an earlier point in your life. You both may have changed and what brought you together at one point is no longer something you share in common. You may even realize goals and desires for life are incredibly different at this current point in your life. You may not value the same qualities and characteristics in others. Maybe your ethics and moral beliefs no longer align. Maybe you actually would establish a relationship with this person, which would be great, but take some time to reflect to determine if your current relationship exists for the right reasons. You can't maintain relationships solely because you once knew someone or were once in a situation which required you spend a great deal of time together. If it's no longer a positive relationship or one you would pursue if you had just met, it's

time to evaluate what role that person should be playing in your life moving forward.

I've seen people continue relationships simply because they have a history with someone and the relationship only brings drama and negativity to their life now. There are people whom I shared a great deal of time with at a previous point in my life that I have to now keep at a distance because of their repeated, negative actions. They were not directed toward me, but I saw how they interacted with others and it was not positive, nor were their actions something I wanted associated with me. It was only a matter of time before those actions lead to significant problems for them and those around them. I didn't want to take on the risk of having to realize negative consequences because of someone else's decisions and actions.

Don't Take Time for Granted

My circumstances in life have changed now that I have a family. The results of my actions and any consequences are tied to you. Thus, I need to be more careful and purposeful with everything I do. There is a risk that even the perception of my negative actions could reflect poorly on you. As a result, you would have a tougher road in terms of establishing your own reputation. Your opportunities could be reduced because of my relationships, and I couldn't live with that. It's not a risk I want to take now.

As a result of this change in my life, I recognized that a friend's priorities conflict with mine. We simply don't want the same things out of life. At some point, they headed down a much different path than I did. I don't think my path is better; it's just what I have decided is in my best interest and yours, as well. I still reach out to these people and keep in touch, willing to help, if needed. I have their best interests in mind and I think they would say the same about me. However, spending time with them would not be productive for my current situation. It would prevent me from getting where I need to be and helping you get where you need to be.

I didn't come to this conclusion lightly, but only after noticing changes and negative behavior in multiple situations over a long period of time. It's something you need to be observant and aware of in your own life. The actions of others you spend time with will come back to you at some point, either positively or negatively. In addition, more painful to think about is these same actions can come back on those you care about. Think about who you spend time with and why. You may need to make some changes and hard decisions at some point.

You also need to be aware of how those you spend time with impact your moods and attitude. I have people in my life now with whom I should have a good relationship due to our history and circumstances, but I have to limit my interactions. Their negative outlook and attitude are too detrimental. If allowed, I would take that on and project that to you without even noticing. As a result, you could take on this negative view of the world at a young age and I think it would be too impactful. Too harmful.

I was around one of these people recently and they commented on airport delays as a result of a news story we heard. Some context to this conversation: I rarely fly, maybe four to five times a year. The person I was speaking with flies even less. There were significant airport delays on the news and this person started making comments such as, "what a damn mess," and "can you image if you were flying today with this going on?" His complaints didn't apply to a situation that either of us had gone through, or anyone we knew for that matter, yet he would not stop. This made me want to walk away because I could not turn the topic to something else

regardless of how hard I tried.

This person could look around and see ten positive aspects of life, but he focused on one negative and chose to complain extensively about that issue, even though it didn't impact him.

Most conversations with him are about how the government is made up of bad, privileged people who are working against him. Everyone he comes in contact with has cheated him or has tried to screw him over in some way. It's exhausting to listen to these things repeatedly. That attitude will wear you done quickly. It's as if the majority of companies and people in the world are personally trying to stop him from being successful or even have a pleasant day.

After ten minutes of being around this person, I question why I didn't avoid the interaction, why I felt the need to be around this person at all. If you are around this sort of person long enough, you take on that attitude and that's what I'm saying needs to be avoided. These people suck the life out of you and a relationship with them is not positive. No one benefits as these people just need to verbalize their negative thoughts, which makes it worse because they hear themselves talking this way day after day and it's all they know. There's no positive to balance out the constant negative words.

These people don't take any steps to better their own situation or work around the issues they constantly bitch about. They are just looking for someone, anyone, to nod in agreement with their complaining and they will be happy. I can't allow myself to be around that person for an extended period of time. I feel bad about it because people like that probably don't notice or understand the damage they are doing to themselves and others.

You need to be aware of what type of message is coming your way from those you spend time with. As hard as it may be, you may need to walk away from these people if they are in your life. It's not only for your own good, but those close to you because it will erode your own attitude and outlook. It will become part of you, and the likelihood of you spreading that behavior to those you care about becomes too high.

The same goes for co-workers. There are people I enjoy being around at work, but that's where the relationship has to stay. I don't need to be going to lunch or hitting happy hour with some of these people because they are only going to bitch about the job, the people at work, and when you ask them why they don't leave, their only reply is, "Oh, I can't right now." It doesn't leave me feeling positive about life, work, or anything. Being around them is a waste of time. It doesn't mean they are bad people, it just means I've determined my time is better spent with others or being by myself.

Too many people are comfortable complaining and not doing anything about their situation. They are okay with spreading their negativity. Unfortunately, it has become a part of their personality. You need to be regularly evaluating who you are spending time with.

It's similar to sports training. You want to be around people who are better at the sport than you. The reason is they will push you to be better because you are trying to keep up with those around you. You want to adopt their winning approach, mentality, and attitude. If you were spending the majority of time with people who don't want to improve their game, who are happy coming in last, and those who complain about how their equipment isn't world class, how they don't have access to the best coaches, etc., you will adopt excuses instead of a winning attitude.

The energy and momentum are completely different when you hang around winners and that is what you psychologically pick up. World-class athletes don't waste time talking about events that occurred in the past. They talk about what successes they will have in the future. They focus on envisioning themselves as a winner, what that will feel like, and how their lives will be impacted positively.

Why would it be different in other aspects of life?

You have to be around people who continuously look to gain knowledge and improve themselves, working to be better, as well as a positive influence on others. Your time is limited and precious so spend it around people who are positive and headed in the right direction. You don't need to have the same beliefs on every topic, but you'll know if the people you are spending time with are advancing in life. Do they have a need for knowledge? Are they working to advance in life? Or, will they be in their same personal and economic situation years from now? Will they still be bitching about it? If they aren't working to improve themselves, you need to move on for your own benefit. You need to be around like-minded people who want...more. Too many people are okay going through life without a desire to accomplish anything.

That's not who you are.

Similar to this type of person is the one who constantly leverages and benefits from the skills and resources of those in their network without ever reciprocating. These are the alleged friends who always have alligator arms when the check comes at a restaurant or they can't be found when their best friend needs help, yet is the first one to expect the accountant friend of the group to prepare their taxes every year—for free. They presume to use friends' second homes for their own vacation...again, for free. They ask people to call in a favor to make a business connection. The list never ends of what they take, but there is no list of what they provide. They take the same approach to society, as well. They're always looking for an angle from others that will benefit only them. They lie to obtain disability benefits or make exaggerated insurance claims to capitalize on a bad situation. These people use assets and resources produced by others. Their existence results in a net negative to the world. That don't produce; they consume.

These people are pretty much worthless in my opinion. They want more than they are

willing to provide based on their lack of achievement in life. They drain the resources of others, profiting from the work and success other people put forth. Their hand is always out; their pride is never damaged. What they bank on is that no one will call them out on their nonsense.

Surprisingly, that's usually the case and these users are allowed to continue their ways. They

have no shame and you'd do good to ensure you don't have people like this in your life. They know what they are doing, so don't get sucked in by their fake approaches to life. These people have the same approach to work, so you have to be just as cautious in that environment.

There are a lot of people who "manage up." These are employees who twist stories to their boss to present themselves as the ones who are accomplishing important tasks, taking credit for the work of others, and saying anything to present themselves positively. These are the workers no one can find when their boss is out of the office on vacation or gone for the day. People take their words as completely accurate rather than doing some basic research on their own. With a little effort, those above them would swiftly realize how full of shit they are. But again, these people survive because rarely does anyone have the guts to call them out on their nonsense.

Maneuver away from these people at work because they provide no benefit. They will claim your work as their own in hopes they can cover up their laziness and incompetence. I'm not sure how these assholes live with themselves. If you have to manipulate or take advantage of people to get what you want, how can you possibly feel good about yourself? How do they continue those ways without tremendous guilt? How could you really enjoy your life knowing most of what you experience is the result of what other people produce, what other people have accomplished and made happen? Those people don't have an inner desire to be a productive part of a group's success. They want the benefits, which come with hard and successful work, yet don't have those qualities. They are okay with manipulating people and situations to achieve that outcome. They are all right with leaving an organization with the perception they are competent when they know they are not providing value at all.

What should happen is they are kicked in the crotch or fired. If that had happened years

ago, it would have saved many people a lot of frustration. Instead, they benefit from so many people being non-confrontational. You cannot be reluctant to stand up for yourself in these situations and tell people you have them figured out. If they are lying, tell them to stop, regardless of who is listening. If you have to be forceful, do it. Tell them to take their bullshit somewhere else because you will continue to call them out until they learn a lesson. It's odd that when you take these steps, you may get labeled as tough to deal with and people will want you out of an organization. There is some psychology to it that I'll never understand. That's been my issue in a corporate environment, but I don't care how I'm perceived if it's a result of publicly acknowledging behavior of people, which is unproductive and inappropriate.

If you're a bullshitter, you should be tough enough to handle someone calling you a bullshitter. People can't though. They are too weak and soft. You need to spend time with people who take pride in how they contribute to those around them, as well as working in a manner that helps everyone around them gain benefits. Don't let anyone benefit from what you have created and worked to achieve. You get yours and they get theirs; it's a simple concept.

You'll come across many people like this, though, unfortunately. They are friends or act as if they are friends with someone because they think their relationships can advance their careers, gain them access to opportunities, or they can obtain advantages through those relationships. They don't care about the person, but rather what the person can provide them. They will turn on that person once they believe they have nothing else to offer, or they have

nothing more to take from them.

I've found many people to be fake and incredibly selfish. These two qualities can be dangerous because people can be so good in their manipulation that you don't see it coming. You don't realize they are slowly drawing you in until the damage is done and you then realize they didn't have your best interest at any point of your relationship. So, what do you do? You can't assume every person you meet is out to take advantage of you, but you don't need to expose yourself fully early on. Be careful and observant.

Girl, I'm amazed at how naive people are and how they can't see what appears to be so obvious to others. Meaning, people can't see how they are being used. So, when you find yourself in a position of influence, meaning you can positively impact the lives of other people, be careful that some aren't looking at your relationship as an opportunity to improve themselves at your expense.

It's okay and in your own best interest to be a bit cautious in terms of what you share with people when you first meet. Be patient. Take your time when you are getting to know someone to determine what they are really like at their core. You have to see through the mask they wear in order to protect themselves. It takes years to understand what truly motivates people, what their real intentions are regarding your relationship in some cases.

It's unfortunate you have to do this, but it's the reality of the world. You won't find many people who care about you enough to put your interests and concerns in front of theirs. Most will allow damage to come your way if it means they will benefit in some way...even if it's a small way. Live off what your own efforts produce and you will be fine. You will have more than what is needed.

There are a couple of things I need to be clear on about this, though. This doesn't mean

you look at your relationships from a perspective of what you get from them, what benefits you, what you can get from people, and/or how you can take from them. That's using people and that's bullshit. People eventually pay the price for doing crap like that and it's no way to live. You need to look out for yourself, protect yourself, but don't give up on someone or walk away from them during difficult times.

If a true friend is exhibiting self-destructive behavior, make every effort to help them, get them back to being the person you respected. Give them the tough love when needed and don't shy away from uncomfortable conversations that will benefit them. What I'm getting at is you'll be exposed to people who change course or stop growing and improving themselves. They may take the wrong approach to life in terms of doing unproductive things, focusing on material possessions, whatever. They may have had bad life experiences, which make them bitter and resentful. It doesn't mean they are bad; they may need your help. But also, maybe it means your paths in life have changed. I see people I respect spending time with those who use others for their personal gains, act disrespectful, or are basically an ass. People they would normally avoid at all cost. They feel a need to continue a relationship because they were a different person years ago and they hold on to that image of what was rather than seeing what is. They can't remove themselves and see what others are seeing from the outside. They get the same negative reputation from being associated with the ass.

Be aware of those around you. Are they someone you would consider a true friend? Do they add value to your life? Do you trust them; I mean, really trust them?

Keep asking yourself the right questions. You'll know when it's time to reduce the time you spend with certain people. Be cognizant of who has positive influences on your life and expand those relationships. Work at those, learn from each other, and keep moving forward

together. These relationships are rare as you get older.

Good Friends Are Hard to Come By

When you are young, relationships are easy. You're just looking for a good time every day; usually not a lot of pressures if you're lucky enough to have a positive and stable family life. You don't have to think about jobs, money, the future, and you aren't responsible for the well-being of another person yet. The world hasn't been difficult or bad to you, so relationships don't present much difficulty. Be honest and look out for each other and you'll be fine as a kid.

Once you get older and start making your own way through the world, though, life has a way of getting complicated. Relationships get complex. People will try to use you for something, start being manipulative, and you'll be exposed to those who don't know you well and aren't invested in you as a person or your future. They don't know the real you or care about your story. So, as you move through life, if you find someone who is truly interested in your life and doesn't have any other interest than you improving in your life, those are the affiliations you need to appreciate and maintain. Don't take those for granted.

One of my many regrets is not staying in touch with people like that. Several people positively influenced me when I was young, and when I look back on those situations, I realize they had absolutely nothing to gain by helping me through certain times. I greatly appreciated what they did, yet at some point, I walked away from that connection not knowing the benefit they provided until years had passed and reestablishing what we had was no longer an option.

I did not walk away purposefully or maliciously; I just didn't take the time to continue the relationship. I didn't understand the value in it or the other person. Maybe I moved away, or life got in the way. You always think there will be enough time in life to catch up and reestablish those positive relationships, but the reality is you never should have allowed yourself to drift apart. It only takes a little time and effort to keep in touch and be a good friend. Positive relationships are well worth the effort to maintain.

Pay attention to these people; they could be a neighbor, teacher, coach, or anyone. You never know when and how they will enter your life. Value the time together and keep in touch because circumstances may change and you could have an opportunity to repay the gratitude they once showed you. Everyone has a tough time in their life at some point. As a true friend, you want to make sure you're around when those occasions come. That friend could start to veer off course and you owe it to them to be there to ease them back on track, no matter what. You may have an opportunity to change their life and give them the courage and purpose to do what

is right or avoid something damaging.

When I was pretty young, I remember one such person telling me when life comes to an end, you will look back and find you only had five or less true friends. I think that is accurate. The rest were acquaintances and/or people I didn't have a choice but to interact with during certain periods: co-workers, neighbors, family members, etc.

People say they don't have time for this, that, or the other. Be honest with yourself. Take a look at how you're spending your time; maybe write every day for fifteen minutes in a journal detailing what you did during the day. You might be surprised at the missed opportunities.

Everyone complains about sitting in the doctor's office too long, spending hours waiting in lines, or other grumbles. I look around and what are these people doing? Reading gossip magazines to pass the time, talking to some stranger about nonsense on the TV, their face is buried in their phone on social media, or they're bitching about things that are really an endless waste of time. Why not anticipate these situations? If you know the doctor makes you sit for forty-five minutes beyond your appointment time, bring something with you that needs to be

done. Take these situations as an opportunity, fill these gaps of time with productive work, and

stop bitching about not having enough time.

Be mindful about how you're spending your time. You don't need to fill every minute with what you think is "life-changing" tasks; just don't be repeatedly wasteful with your most precious resource, the one thing no one can buy, regardless of their accomplishments and wealth.

Don't piss your life away talking about others people's lives; live your own.

The last thing I have to say about how you spend your time is to suggest you spend time around those who are significantly older than you when you're young. When you are in your twenties, if you spent all your time with other twenty-years-olds, what are you going to gain from them in terms of learning about life experiences? Most are still trying to figure out who they are and have a ton of mistakes left to make.

People who are in their fifties have already made a ton of mistakes that you can learn from and avoid. They have a perspective that will be of value to you if you pay attention. For the most part, they are over the nonsense of life and focused on what matters.

Don't be afraid of people from all walks of life either. The best people I've been exposed to in my years don't match society's definition of "success." They were the most honest, caring, and sincere people I've met, and I often find myself thinking about their perspective on life issues, modeling their approaches to problem-solving, and striving to meet their ethical standards. 

# Chapter 7

## Control Money (Before It Controls You)

Although people say money can't buy happiness, the lack of it can certainly result in unhappiness. With constant financial struggle comes frustration, negative experiences, and mental anguish that reduces the quality of your life and those around you. Your financial resources are a factor in determining the avenues available to you throughout life, as well as the quality of your experiences.

I know the pain associated with not having enough money, wondering if the inflow of cash will stop and never reappear. Not being able to do some basic things strictly because money was lacking. The stress it puts on a family when money is not available and how it shapes peoples' attitudes and thoughts on life.

That type of prolonged situation creates an extremely difficult environment, which can dominate your thought process and negatively change your outlook on life. That sort of living is something I want you to be aware of, but never experience. It's a challenge because living through that can make you appreciate and respect money, which I think is lost on a lot of people who never endured financial struggles in their life. If you don't respect money or if you take it for granted, it will find a way to teach you a lesson and demand respect.

You are either in command of your finances or it is in command of you. If the latter takes hold, it's difficult—although possible—to turn the tables back to your favor. The good news is you absolutely have the ability to obtain money and use it to your advantage. You may never have the struggles I've described, but be cognizant of them and the impact it has on most peoples' lives.

Lack of money is something that dominates the thoughts of many people you interact

with during your day, and you need to be aware of the pressure it puts on some people. Be understanding of how money shapes other peoples' attitudes and perspective on life, as well. Fighting through those financial challenges can provide you a lot of benefits in terms of obtaining a greater appreciation for what you have obtained, as well as knowing you can overcome significant obstacles.

Early on in your life, my hope is you learn how to avoid the struggles I've described and understand and appreciate being able to circumvent financial issues that negatively impact so many. Having resources to properly provide for yourself and your family is a necessity and will benefit your life as a whole.

Don't Just Make It, Manage It

Regardless of your interests, hobbies, and career, you need to gain some basic financial skills in order to manage your money and thus, control your quality of life. If you become responsible for someone else in your life, you owe it to them to take financial concerns off the table by managing it properly. If you don't have this skill, those who do will gain benefit from your lack of knowledge.

I think there are three levels of financial success you need to achieve, and I'll summarize them here before going into more details. The first is providing the basics: a decent and safe place to live, food, clothing, and basic items needed to survive. By doing this, you're able to care and provide for yourself without depending on others. This is achievable with a decent work ethic and an inner desire to be self-sufficient. That's it.

Everyone has the ability to do this, although I'm baffled by the number of people who can't—or maybe won't—do this. This desire to be self-sufficient has to come from within you. You have to be in control of you and that isn't possible if you don't provide yourself with life's basics. You have to be self-motivated because if you aren't, your only hope is to surround yourself with those who can and want to take care of you. Even if this does happen, it's not appropriate. You can't feel good about yourself if you put your future in someone else's hands. Similarly, you can't control your future if someone else governs your source of income.

This is not in your best interest.

You cannot allow this to happen.

It's not an option for you. Ever, kid.

The second level is having the finances to provide your family with a "comfortable" life, which means you are able to remove the focus of determining how to obtain money along with the associated stress I described previously. Here, you have the capacity to create income through various options based on your past experience, skills, and work ethic. You can apply those qualities to different scenarios and save enough money to bridge any income gaps you may face.

At this level, you have eliminated the constant "want" or "need" for money and have options available. Money now provides you with positive experiences rather than limiting your opportunities. You can get here by having a work a good work ethic, receiving a formal education or developing a needed and valuable skill as well as not burdening yourself with significant debt.

This is where the shortcomings of others can work to your advantage. If you show up to a job on time every day, actually focus on the tasks at hand, and demonstrate competence, you will be above most. Surprisingly, a lot of people don't possess these qualities, so they struggle.

If someone's paying you to do something, do it. That's pretty basic, but I'm surprised at how many won't follow this approach.

The third level is being in complete control of how you spend your time such as being in command of your schedule, going where you want, and doing things when you want. That is the ultimate goal: to gain your time and control it. This prevents others from having the ability to own you physically (dictating where you need to be) or mentally (acting in a way that causes you to repeatedly think about their requests of you). I never understood this concept until later in life. I was conditioned to believe you went to a job every day for forty-plus years and at the end, hopefully, you had ten to fifteen years to do what you wanted once you retired. That's a really screwed up process when you think about it. You spend most of the years you are physically able to do the most working long hours, wearing yourself out, and living a stressed out life. Then, when you turn sixty and, perhaps, physical limitations start to present themselves, you retire and only get to enjoy a few years before your body starts to break down, and then you drop dead. You've spent the better part of your life making money for someone else. You have dedicated your best years enriching someone else's life. Think about it; whatever you were paid all those years, someone had to make much more than that from your actions and skills or it wouldn't have made economic sense to keep paying you.

I'm going to focus on a skill that is valuable to a company for now because I'm confident you'll have a job at some point. To produce a comfortable life for yourself, you have to make a

comfortable hourly wage or monthly/yearly salary. This means being able to earn enough to pay

for the basics, as well as stashing something away for potentially negative life events (which will absolutely occur), saving for the future, and providing enough to take care of your family and give them experiences that allow them to be more comfortable (for example, having a car rather than relying on a bus schedule to get around). These "extras" also present enjoyment, ability to gain perspective on how others view the world, and exposure to new things.

If you have a family, providing experiences such as attending sporting events, going on vacations, etc., lets you build bonds and create memories with your loved ones. Even having the funds to entertain your family on weekends is of incredible importance. Giving your family the ability to pursue interests and hobbies is critical as well. It's just a healthy way for people to live, being able to spend time doing activities which bring pleasure or relaxes. Sitting around on your ass, staring at each other while there is stress about how you will pay the utility bills is no way to live. It's not fair to anyone in the family to live that way.

Some people believe simply having enough to pay the basic bills of life is sufficient, but I think it's deeper than that. You have to provide an abundance to open up other avenues to experience what life has to offer. Obtaining a formal education doesn't mean you are smarter or better than anyone, but it demonstrates you can stay focused on a goal and perform the steps expected of you. This education creates more options for you in the future so it's better to work toward that than not. It will just provide you more options in later years.

Let's break down an average day of most people working for a company; they work 9.5 hours per day (if not much, much more, but let's be conservative). You spend 1.5 hours commuting to and from that job, take 1 hour for lunch, maybe 1 hour to get ready for work in the morning and eating breakfast (usually on the run), 1 hour at night to eat dinner, and then let's assume you manage to get 7 hours of sleep. That's 21 hours in total, so that only leaves you 3 hours for "everything else" each day. That basically means you have a mere 13 percent of the day to do whatever you'd like in terms of enjoying life.

That's terrible. Fucking terrible.

To make matters worse, weekends are often spent catching up on errands, sleeping in to give your body rest, or preparing for the upcoming work week. You're living through five days dedicated to someone else to have two to yourself—assuming you won't be working weekends, when it's likely you will. You live for months, counting down the days until you get a holiday or

can take an extra day off.

Think about it. You're struggling to make it to a three-day weekend, which only happens

a few times a year. These three days are all you have to look forward to. Holy shit, that's a horrible scenario, but the one most people act out daily for the majority of their lives.

Girl, the lesson here is working for someone else is not what leads to your freedom. You'll need to work for someone to improve your skills and learn best practices, but you have to focus on limiting the time you spend working for someone else, in my opinion.

Being able to determine how and where you spend your time is freedom. Financial freedom leads to your physical and mental independence. You only have a certain amount of time available to you, so the goal is to shift time away from doing things you don't value to doing those things you do value and with the people you want to spend time with. Having no options other than going to and from a job you don't like and being around those you don't respect will eat away at your soul and will move you away from your true self. It forces you to be fake in order to get through the day with the attitude of "do what you need do to" for the sake of money.

Being controlled by your finances is no way to live, but it's how many live every day of their lives. Believe me when I say, it's avoidable.

Now, I'll go into more details on what I consider the three financial levels you need to achieve and why.

Providing the Basics

Obviously, you need to obtain food and shelter and you have a couple of options: you can provide for yourself or depend on others for it.

Many people are fine with having others as their source of these basics. Many people think they are owed that by the government or through some other avenue. They think life owes them a place to live and a way to support their existence. That is not true. There are only two people who owe you anything and that's your mother and me (to a point).

When we made the decision to have kids, we took on the responsibility to provide you a

good childhood as the foundation of your growth, a positive environment so you can be a productive member of society and, mostly love. In addition to these responsibilities, we also took on the task of providing you the basics in life and hopefully a little more. That's what we signed up for and what you are owed, but at some point, that free ride ends and you need to pick up the obligation of providing for yourself. If we've done our job correctly, that should occur naturally.

No one else owes you anything and you need to understand that. Not a place to live, food, transportation...nothing.

At some point, you'll need to provide for yourself.

The desire to make your own way in the world, accomplish goals, and overcome challenges needs to come from within. I can't give you inner drive or the desire to make your own way in life and provide for yourself.

Now, there are those who are okay with depending on their spouse or family to provide them with the basics of life, never being fully self-sufficient. There are a couple problems with that approach. One is that they've lost control. No matter who they rely on to provide these basic necessities, they lack control because they won't survive without doing what those other people say and when they say it. Should someone else decide to change course and stop providing the basics, where do they go then? How do they live? They may have progressed to a point where they don't know how to provide for themselves or how to get shit done any more.

You can't live a full life worrying that your very existence is dependent on someone else's ability to deliver those things because it can end at any time regardless of your actions. This situation doesn't only exist for people relying on another, but those who depend on an employer. If you don't have a skill that is transferable to another company, industry, or location, you are just as dependent as someone who is counting on another person or the government for their

basic necessities.

Even if you have a good job, there are still many things completely outside your control.

You can have your job duties, your boss, or even your co-workers changed without any notice or input. If you walk in the office one day and that asshole who drives you insane is now your boss, what are you going to do? Nothing...because you can't. You need the job to live, so you shut your mouth and put up with whatever nonsense you are given. But, for how long?

The same situation exists for people living with someone they depend on for their financial support such as a parent significant other or friend. They can't leave if things get bad. Maybe a woman gets slapped around and treated like shit every day. She can't leave. Where will she go? What is she going to do? How will she take care of herself?

I need you to take on the key role of supporting yourself. There's no other option. I will be gone one day, but before that happens, I need to be assured that you will be okay.

Another problem with relying on others is you never obtain the feeling of accomplishment or obtain confidence in yourself and your abilities. If you always have someone else provide for you, then you've never pushed yourself and, as a result, learned of the potential you have within you. A person living like that completely breaks when adversity shows up (which is inevitable). When faced with any life problem, they melt because they look around and wait for someone else to stand up and eliminate the problem. They can't move forward until another person steps in

and removes the issue. That's extremely weak.

Here are two different people: One person was born poor, experienced a fractured family structure and spent most of their life in a negative environment. Still, that person was able to distance himself from those negative influences until he was able to enter formal education or learn a trade to provide himself a good life, surrounded by positive people focused on similarly improving their own lives. The second person possessed all the financial privileges in life, a well-connected family, and private school education and being well-traveled.

Now, both people are thirty years old, their parents die and they experience a job loss. Who do you think is going to make it through that rough patch?

The answer is easy because one has relied on the successes of others, never stepping out on their own or taking chances and, as a result, has no experiences to provide confidence they are able to fight through their current struggle. For the other, they know this is only another life challenge they will work through because they never relied on anyone before and certainly don't need to this time.

Most people don't have the balls to be honest with themselves regarding this type of situation. They won't sit alone and think through who they are, where they are, how they got there, etc. Did they provide the life they are living or was everything provided to them through the efforts of others?

You are going to run into a ton of people who think they are better than others, as if they are made of better parts than most people, born that way. I've come across several and asked some general questions without making my intentions obvious. What I've found out many times is that they are benefiting from the hard work and successes of someone else. Maybe they had a family member who was successful, making money they had nothing to do with, yet they are benefiting from it. They aren't even smart enough to realize that. Instead of being thankful and humble, they are unjustifiably cocky and arrogant. They were born into something and act like they earned it.

It's easy to identify these fake people if you are observant. Ask questions and observe actions of people and you'll figure out who's worth spending time with and who should be avoided. I don't think people need to go through a ton of shit to have character. They can certainly be born into great situations and adhere to proper ethics and morals, understanding they are the experiencing some degree of privilege.

I put a lot of weight on what motivates someone regardless of their situation. What I'm

asking is that you understand the need to be self-sufficient and self-motivated. Understand how to observe those qualities in others. Have pride in what you accomplish and don't rely on anyone to provide anything. It's not in your best interest, so don't do it. You can achieve self-reliance through hard work alone.

The fact that most people don't have a work ethic and are not fully committed to a job works to your advantage. I'm not very smart, but I can outwork most people, to a fault in some cases. That's really the only way I advanced myself. My guess is I've always been below average in intelligence compared to those I work with. I merely had a desire to stop being fucking poor and constantly struggling. If I didn't produce enough money to pay the rent, save to buy a house, pay off student loans, there was no one who was going to provide that for me.

I never had the belief that I was owed anything, that anyone should provide for me or bail be out. I don't regret it because I know where I was and where I am. I earned what I have so if others look at me now and think it's always been this way, that's on them because they are wrong. I've made a ton of mistakes, but I've achieved what I have without riding on the back of

anyone's name or accomplishments.

I need you to feel the same about yourself.

People put themselves in negative financial positions for various reasons, but the one I see too often is a result of extensive debt. Debt caused by foolishness. People live off credit, buying crap they can't afford. They confuse the ability to obtain credit with being able to pay for something. Just because a person is willing to loan you money doesn't mean you have to borrow the money or purchase whatever it is that will get you into debt.

This is the start of being a slave to debt and to those who provided it. What are they really getting for that debt anyway? Many times, it's only temporary pleasures like a vacation or an expensive car they think others will be impressed by. Who wants to walk around a house knowing most things in it aren't paid for yet? How do they feel seeing pictures of vacations that only remind them of how much money they borrowed and the impending payments?

How about getting up in the morning knowing you don't owe people money and the funds you do earn that day are yours, rather than going to pay for things you previously used or enjoyed? Buy shit with previously earned money rather than money you hope to earn in the future.

Here's how most people handle their financial life. They obtain a job that pays them an hourly wage or annual salary and then take on an amount of debt, requiring them to spend barely under or right above that income amount paying back the debt. They live close to their income level and, for some reason, must spend what they have simply because they have it. That's the wrong approach to take; one that will not lead to financial freedom and security. The needs and purchases will always be around their income level even as this increases over time as they advance through their life.

This scenario results in a person needing to keep that job at any cost because any period of unemployment would be disastrous. They can't maintain their lifestyle with any interruption. This means they are a slave to that one source of money: their job. They are dependent on someone else's opinion of their value, someone else's ability to create a business model, and hope they are on the right side of company politics at all times. Sure, they can move to another company, but the same dynamics exist there, as well, only they've changed their commute. They have lost some degree of control due to their poor financial choices.

This scenario results from taking on too much debt too early in life. Not all debt is bad, but that obtained for short-term pleasure is something to be careful about. Most need debt to buy a house, which is fine if you don't make a home purchase in which you allocate a large amount of your income each month to paying that debt.

As an example, say someone brings home $4,000 per month after taxes. I see many following the path to take on a house or car payment, totaling about $3,800 per month. They see their income as the amount they must spend as opposed to living on $2,500 and saving/investing the rest. This would allow them to upgrade their house at a later time with less debt and provide the flexibility of choices should something go wrong in the future. Options may include leaving a job because the environment is negative, removing themselves from a bad personal situation, or taking a lower-paying job temporarily to help an ailing family member.

Living to your income level removes these options. Low debt provides options. Most people can't envision implications of today's decisions years down the road regardless of whether or not those implications are positive or negative. If you save more today, you can spend more tomorrow. "Tomorrow" may be ten years away. Taking advantage of fewer options today (buying less shit) gives you more options—financial and non-financial—in the future. You can invest money to deliver passive income streams, provide interest income, or to reinvest in yourself by learning a new skill or starting your own venture.

With focus and determination, you can learn a skill that provides you an avenue to support yourself. It's my opinion you can't live up to your full potential if you are burdened with tremendous debt. Your mindset needs to be that you can and will make smart financial moves early on in life so you can provide yourself options in future years. You'll save yourself a lot of

problems by learning how to have money work for you, not against you.

Providing a Comfortable Life

The next level of financial achievement is having funds to provide you and those around you experiences and time. In other words, you have the ability to enjoy life and create positive experiences with your family and friends. If you are financially comfortable via a situation where you have a needed skill and have not taken on irresponsible debt, you can feel comfortable that you have options that will allow your lifestyle to continue during different economic circumstances. You have peace of mind relating to your financial situation rather than being limited by it.

So, what is being financially comfortable? To me, it means having a significant amount of money left over each month after you pay your recurring bills and debt, and save an appropriate amount for retirement. Also, it's being in a position where you manage multiple income streams and are not dependent on only one source of income. Reach this point and you're in a decent spot. You can spend some money to enjoy life, going places, and creating experiences for your family without penalizing your future financial position.

What I'm trying to do now is to take you places and allow you to gain exposure to many things so you can see what the world has to offer rather than reading or hearing these things through someone else's perspective. I'm hoping to perhaps create an interest so you can later pursue activities and find something that motivates you for a lifetime. You can't do this for your family if you are constantly lacking funds or constantly struggling to pay basic bills to survive. It's not experiencing what life has available.

The options that result in being in this position relate to your personal life as well as your work life. If you have money saved and aren't in need of a high income, should something negative happen at work, you don't have to stay in that bad position. There is a lot of inappropriate behavior in work environments such as verbal abuse, passive-aggressive behavior, and insecure people who take out their personal frustrations on subordinates and coworkers.

Assholes.

Mean people.

They are all over.

In essence, if something changes at your work and you are dealing with any of these

situations, you don't have to take it. You can take a position of intolerance and stand up to this nonsense.

What's the worst they can do? Fire you?

That's all the power someone has over you at work. They can tell you you're not allowed to work there anymore. Now, that may be absolutely devastating for many, but if you've lived a financially responsible life to that point, people have nothing to leverage against you. This doesn't mean you have to flaunt it or present an arrogant attitude to others. You just know it and that's enough. You've created a possibility for yourself that others don't need to know about. Your knowing is enough and will afford you some peace of mind when the nonsense starts.

I think this is why some people become so emotional when negative events occur at work. They

know their options are limited, so anything that could disrupt their environment is threatening. The same type of situation can exist in your personal life, as well. If you find yourself living with someone who has changed, become negative, abusive, or just a dick to deal with, you have the option to leave. You know you can support yourself, so you are not trapped.

If you're not in this financial position, it simply means you have to work toward it. Set the goal, reassess your financial situation, and figure out a plan to move forward. Getting where you need to be is a process that won't happen in a couple weeks. I need you to understand the importance of this before you get into a tough situation, as the lesson can be painful if you have to fight your way through bad circumstances. The lack of money can bring a stress to people, as well as those around them. Think you won't come home and be in a bad mood, snapping at the ones you care about the most, making their lives worse if you have financial stress? You will, trust me.

Financial freedom allows you the ability to tell the person giving you problems to stick it in their ass and go take out their insecurities on someone else...you're not dealing with it. Money gives you that option. Even knowing you have the option to remove yourself from a situation reduces the negative effects of it. The lack of money can make you feel "stuck" and it wears you down mentally, making a significant impact on your mental and even physical well-being. You owe it to yourself to remove this potential negativity from your life.

I'd argue you owe it more to your family than yourself. Life isn't meant to be lived with financial stress. It takes away too much pleasure and it's incredibly unfortunate. This can happen at any income level, as well, so this isn't about being poor or something that impacts low-income individuals. I see many people who confuse high income for wealth. There is a huge distinction. High income simply means you can buy a lot of shit on credit and get yourself into problems acting like and living like you have wealth. Wealth means you have multiple sources of income and don't rely on any one of them to a point where your standard of living would suffer without it. Wealth means you can sustain your standard of living without trading your time for money. Wealth is the ability to completely control your time. You don't jump when the phone rings. People change their schedules to meet yours. You go to work when you want and leave when you feel it's needed. You have passive sources of income, so you do not have to be present at a job or location to produce income.

Control Your Time and Your Mind

As to the third level of financial achievement, there are only a few ways I know of to obtain money. First, you can trade your time for money, meaning you work for someone or a company and are paid a specific amount for that time. If you don't produce a product or service with that time, you don't get your money. You stop working, the money stops. The second avenue to obtaining money is to have your funds work for you such as through financial investments. Basically, you are using your excess money and allowing it to produce interest income. This could be through stock investments or rental property, anything where you are not trading a specific amount of time for a specific amount of money. The next avenue to earning money is to build equity—buying something, anything, and adding value to it so you can sell it at a higher price. As you are improving what you have purchased (a company, a product, real estate, etc.), you are adding equity, which is valued and paid for when you sell it.

When you own a company or part of one, you own a part of a revenue stream worth more than the current earnings. The reason is it is assumed the current earnings will occur annually. An example is, you build a business where you have repeat customers. They provide a certain amount of monthly or annual income to the business. Those customers are estimated to be worth an amount of money in the future for which people will pay today. If you are an employee at such a company, you will most likely be paid a specific amount of money for the time you spend helping to attract those customers and/or keep them. To stop working equates to stopping being paid for the time you provide. If you own that same business, you are paid a multiple for the future value of those current customers. You have created equity for yourself. If you're an employee at a company, you don't earn equity. It's a matter or what side of the table you sit on. Earn money and equity from the work of others; don't let others earn money and equity from your work. If you aren't working on your future and dreams, you're working on someone else's. Creating equity is the only way I know of to be completely financially independent.

Being financial comfortable will reduce frustration and potentially even violence within a family. Living life constantly concerned and focused on a lack of money takes its toll on people as well as a family. It's another worry that adds to a person's anxiety, takes away their focus on positive events in their life, and increases frustration felt by everyone in the family. If kids hear parents arguing about money, they may feel guilty they are taking resources that are apparently scarce and the cause of problems. Thus, they think they are contributing to the problems or worse, they believe they are the problems. This may be their first exposure to the role money

plays in life.

Imagine a family with the husband being the primary income source. He loses his job at the same time the house needs a new roof. One of the kids has health issues. With no significant savings or alternatives to replace the income, he's frustrated by the situation because he doesn't have options, doesn't see a way out of this downward spiral. He's upset he's not being the provider he wants to be, frustrated so many things seem to be outside his control.

What happens?

He takes it out on the exact people who need his support and leadership at this time...his wife and kids. Maybe he hits them because that's who he does have control of, where he thinks he can explode without consequences. It happens...often. It may not be something you see in your circle of friends growing up, but know that it's a reality for many people you interact with during your normal, daily activities. Financial options provide security so that when negative events occur, you can work through them without significant disruption to your life and those around you.

You need to think about your financial future because no one else will and it's no one else's responsibility. Most people focus on the now or immediate future, not what will happen to them years from now. They are too busy chasing a good time today. They say they want to enjoy life now and will worry about savings and retirement later. That's a tough approach because they are making things tougher for themselves later. You have to prepare now so that you can live

properly later.

Take control. Plan for your financial future. Whatever your career, you need to be educated on how to manage money, how to invest, how to make money work for you. Take classes on personal finances, educate yourself, talk to multiple people, do whatever you can

to gain a command of this topic. Keep learning about this as you progress through life. Keep on top of it. Don't leave this in someone else's hands, not even your spouse. Don't just assume you are putting money in a retirement account and that will be good enough. Don't assume the government will play a role to help you out either.

Money is too impactful to your life to ignore the management of it. 

# Chapter 8

## Choose the Right Partner

You are going to be faced with important decisions that not only impact your quality of life, but that of those around you. It's important that when facing those decisions, you approach them purposefully, taking the right amount of time to ensure you get things right. There is no manual or reference material to help you through these difficult decisions, such as finding the right partner. You must take your time and make sure you are the one making the call.

Don't let others influence you or persuade you to take a particular path. Don't be bothered by what others want you to do. Some decisions have to be made by you only as you're the one who must live with the consequences and impact of that decision. You can't let anyone else's time frame impact your life and timing of decisions. You decide what is important and then make it happen when you are ready.

You can certainly value the input of others, but make sure those people have your best interests in mind. If you are like most, those true and trusted friends will be a limited few. It's hard to understand, but people are selfish and will use an opportunity like this to guide your decision making in a way that benefits them, even if they want to prevent a friend's progress to protect their own ego. Not many will be in a position to give you completely honest feedback and opinions either, even if they do have your best interest in mind. It's hard for people to have tough, honest conversations because they will seek to avoid confrontation and discomfort at any cost.

Sometimes, complete honesty is the end of a relationship, but that's exactly what friendship requires. If you are the one asking for it, make sure you can handle the answer without emotion or taking it as a personal attack. It's honestly about one situation, one event. If the feedback is negative, it's not an indictment on your entire life. Most can't handle uncomfortable conversations because they want to tell people what they think will be received positively. Thus, they will say what they think will cause you the least amount of angst. That's not in your best interest and won't result in your making the best decision. It may make you feel better for a while, but it's not what is needed during these times.

Some people who you consider friends will work against you, as well, giving you bad advice. They don't want you to succeed as it lowers the expectations for them. They many not even want to see you happy due to their own issues. You know who these people are, so don't fool yourself. Don't ask these people to weigh in with their thoughts. You know the people you can trust and those who add value, so lean on them for input, yet ultimately, you'll know deep down what is right and the best timing.

Move forward when you're ready. When you make that decision, go all in. Give it your full effort and focus. Doing anything less will only open the door for regret to enter later. Be flexible, but don't second guess the decision you made. That is only your emotions playing with you, protecting you from nothing, really. If you aren't "all in," you will only delay a different kind of second guessing. At some point, you will look back and wonder if you could have achieved what you wanted by dedicating yourself fully.

You don't gain anything by being half-ass with your efforts once you decide to head down a path. If you should fall short, your conscious is clear, you gave it what you had, and you moved on without reliving the issue and asking, "What if?" Don't relive the past, as it provides no benefits.

What I'm trying to convey here is my desire for you to not take important decisions

lightly or to let someone else influence your path. Trust yourself and what you are feeling, not

what others want you to feel or what you think someone else would want.

It's your life.

It's your decision.

In Love with Love?

Obviously, important decisions will be challenging. You are going to pick some goof to marry at some point. I know this clown is not going to be good enough and I have already accepted that, so don't ask me what I think about him. I've just given you the answer. Selecting a partner to maneuver through life with is probably the most important decision a person will make, yet many screw it up. Actually, about half do based on divorce statistics, which is fucking awful. It's as if some people make this decision simply to check a box.

They seem to be driven only by a desire to be able to tell others they are married. They think this completes them in some way or will fill a void that probably doesn't exist anyway. They think it's a necessary step others and society expect of them. They ignore all the red flags and warning signs life gives them about this being a bad idea and they are headed toward a disaster. Instead, they are in love with the idea of being married rather than the person and marriage being a result of that. They have this image in their head that when they are engaged, going through the process of getting married, it is a magical time where they float around on some happy cloud for months and all the struggles of life are eaten up by a fairy's love dust. They think this is the case for everyone who is married, so they think if they go through this marriage process, the sky will open up and God will bless them in ways the Virgin Mary would envy. They believe this carries over to the marriage, as well, and life will now be one pleasant experience after another. That's not going to happen, kid, so lose those thoughts right now. That

isn't how it works.

People talk about how happy they are because that's what they want others to think. They are more worried about projecting a positive and knowingly false image rather than focusing on how they actually feel. It's as if people knew it wasn't right, but they needed to be married because that's what others around them are doing. It's what they hear people talk about, what they see on TV, what they witness all around them. They end up being more concerned with what other people perceive about them than what they are feeling internally.

You need to focus on who and what makes you happy. No one else's opinion should not be considered at all. It shouldn't have any influence.

I really wish people didn't know their age because this is one decision I see people make solely because of their age, especially chicks. They start pushing thirty and fall into a panic mode about marriage. I don't get it. Maybe it's the "my eggs are dying" thing, I have no idea, and, frankly, I don't give a shit.

Don't make any decision based on your age and certainly not this one. Don't be concerned with a time frame someone else or society has come up with. Your situation, like every else's, is unique and should drive the timing of any life decision. Peer, family, and societal pressure probably result in a significant percentage of weddings taking place, which is why half of them fail. There are plenty of wrong reasons people get married. I don't have the time or desire to go into all of them.

Selecting your partner in life is too critical of a decision to let anyone or anything influence your choice. It has to be the right time for you. It has to occur in a way that it's not really a decision at all, rather is something that is the next natural step when you are with someone. If you find someone you genuinely enjoy being with, it's become a natural transition as you find yourself with them day after day. You don't schedule it or think about it, internally both

people just know they will be together. It's because whatever you are doing, it wouldn't be as

good without the other person being a part of it.

There aren't games or struggles; it unfolds easily. No bell goes off that says it's decision time, go get married. Let it happen effortlessly. Don't listen to anyone else because their opinions don't matter, they can't matter at all on this one. It can only come from within you and in a manner that you know and feel is proper without ever having to ask yourself, "Is this the right thing?"

Marriage may not even be for you and that's fine. Be good with it if that's the case and don't worry what you think someone else may perceive about you because of it. I wonder if people grew up in a culture where no one was married, would they strive for this formality? Is it innate in them? I have no facts to support this opinion but I doubt it. I think it's something impressed upon people as normal, which make no sense to me. I believe it's mostly a learned behavior. I'm sure there is an innate part of us that desires to create a family structure and ensure we continue on in some way. Still, I can't understand why our culture puts a heavy burden on people to marry at a certain time and what that marriage should look like.

Similarly, don't fall in love with the story of "Being Married." If you do, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment because real life can't mimic idealistic visions you have in your head. It will always fall short.

I am concerned about your options in finding someone to marry. This is primarily due to the weakness of "men" I see around. I really don't see them at all; I see boys who want to be mothered, play video games when they are beyond the age that seems normal, and are (basically) soft mentally. Most define success by if their favorite sports team wins over the weekend. I see younger guys who are worried about their clothes not being ironed, getting highlights in their hair, and/or what type of earring to wear. They rely on their parents to support them instead of wanting to work their ass off to upgrade their parent's lifestyle. They are simpletons who are satisfied with attaching themselves to someone else's success of which they had nothing to do with.

I don't understand guys like this and I hope you don't either. They should be concerned about giving, not taking; by providing, not be provided for.

If you bring home some guy with a spray tan and an earring, I'm telling you right now... I'll punch that fucker in the face without even talking to him. Don't put me in that situation.

Where is the drive to provide a better life for someone else? To support the people in his family? To be a leader regardless of the personal sacrifices that need to be made? Maybe do without the diamond earring and provide some basics for your wife and kids.

Guys seem to be getting softer and softer. At no other point in my life have I seen a larger number of guys who are okay with their girlfriends or wives supporting them. I feel woman are much stronger than men right now in terms of working for the benefit of their families and supporting their families, both financially and emotionally. I'm not a supporter of typical gender roles or saying women should be barefoot and pregnant. Guys have become incredibly weak and women have filled the gap left by these clowns. You need to find the guy who is absolutely the opposite of what I've been describing.

Maybe my perspective as of this writing is because of the circle of people I am surrounded by. I can only hope that's the case and I'm missing a segment of the population who are much different. I simply don't see many young guys who I think possess the right definition of success. I don't see many who I would consider able to properly provide for someone else. Instead, they lack an internal drive and purpose; they are too soft for you. What I would like to see is you with someone who takes pride in earning a living, advancing and providing to the best of their ability. It's called a work ethic and I'm not seeing a lot of young guys who take pride in going to work and doing what is asked of them.

Right now, it appears that being a rich, famous asshole is celebrated and a goal for many. The less effort the better is how I think most young guys feel about it. They have no idea how to get there and won't even put in the effort to properly define success in the first place. They only want a pile of money to show up at their door because they are naive enough to think that's how it happens. Those with financial security obviously "got lucky," or so they tell themselves and they are waiting for that luck to drop on them. That's a bullshit thought process so stay away from those fools.

People want to be rich so they can act superior to others, treat others inappropriately without consequences and frivolously spend money. For the wrong reason, money is the ultimate goal. What about achieving financial success in order to provide a better quality of life than you and your family have previously experienced? What happened to having an internal desire to accomplish something of value? Getting things handed to you without effort is why many people don't respect money. This results in them not respecting themselves, as well. They don't experience the feeling of accomplishment that accompanies hard work and perseverance. I don't know how you appreciate anything you have which was not earned and thus, not deserved. Just because you have something doesn't mean you deserve it. If they had paid the price, they would feel an internal satisfaction that would end the need to be an asshole.

People need to end the need to treat others negatively for the sole purpose of feeling better about themselves. This approach doesn't work. The feeling of inferiority remains or they wouldn't feel the need to repeat the same negative behavior. They would not continue to seek to

fill the emotional void; it just wouldn't exist.

So, the cycle continues. They seek attention at any cost even if it means they act in a manner any mentally stable person would consider inappropriate. It doesn't even go this far at times. They act rude and selfish and it brings them attention because people continuously put up with it.

I see people on TV celebrating actions I would think they would be terribly embarrassed about being documented and broadcast to millions of people. They are actually proud of their idiotic behavior and go on other shows to talk about it. What they should be doing is crawling in a hole and hoping the world forgets about them. They are allowed to do this because people support it. I don't understand why people watch that nonsense on TV, buy the music, or support the products these people produce. People pay money to the same people who would ignore them if they ever had a personal interaction. People should be sending a message, not sending them money.

This is how many define success, though, have others watch them engage in inappropriate and what should be embarrassing behavior if money comes with it. That's what too many are striving for right now. What about the desire to build an organization, whether it's a business or a charity, so you can provide a good place for others to work? Make available benefits and opportunities for others. Improve the quality of life for those around you.

Most don't give a shit about this. They only want to buy an expensive material object and that's good enough for them. It comes down to form over substance, which is shameful. What about integrity? What about just being fucking normal and doing what you are supposed to do? Where are the guys who show up to work when they say they will to work their asses off, are honest, and feel good about themselves on the drive home because they did a good job, treated people

properly, and did right by their family that day?

That's not cool enough, though.

It's not good enough to merely go about your business, act appropriately, and live life honestly and respectively. Maybe it's too boring for people.

Find a guy who doesn't worry about what others think about him. He has his own definition of success regardless of what the majority of society is celebrating and he stays focused. He is worried only about continuing to improve as a person, as a man, a father, a husband, and a friend. That's what he should think is important. If this means he needs to sacrifice some, he does it without telling anyone or hoping someone notices. He does it because he feels it's the right thing to do—for him and those who are counting on him to set an example. That's all he needs in order to keep moving and to know he met his own expectations.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be financially successful. You just have to ask if this guy wants that to drive around in an expensive car to gain attention or if he wants financial security and freedom for his family. The difference will tell you what kind of person he is at the core. This isn't a question you can ask him; you need to observe his actions and that will provide you with the answer.

Here's the problem with guys right now: they can't take getting their ass kicked. What I mean is at some point a guy does something stupid, says, or does something he shouldn't, whatever, to the wrong guy and he deserves to get his ass beaten. It makes him realize he shouldn't do what he just did. He learns a tough lesson, but shit, that's life. He shouldn't have put himself in that position or done what he did. He simply fucked up, that's all. He caused the issue and paid the price, as should be the case. It's fairly simple, actually.

You act inappropriately and you will get taught a lesson. You'll live through it, it won't

destroy you, and you'll learn from it and move forward.

Today, I see many guys who would go to the police, their mother, or anyone else who would give them a shoulder to cry on. What should happen is the people who love them should say, "Tough shit. Deal with what came your way and move on or go back and straighten things out." These guys should be embarrassed to look for sympathy or someone else to solve their problems.

Think about what it says: I'm a grown man and I need to go tell a person in "authority" that someone is being mean to me. Are you fucking kidding me? The police have actual crimes to solve, woman and kids to protect, hell, traffic violations to process. Go deal with this one yourself. That's the appropriate response. Guys get their feelings hurt because they are soft. Are your feelings hurt? Come on, get over it and move on, it happens.

Don't marry one of these pussy boys; I won't be able to take it. I will not be able to sleep and will probably end up literally losing my mind. Be observant enough to know if your guy is tough or only acts that way. There's a big difference and you'll be able to figure it out by paying attention to him. I'm not saying they have to be a physical fighter. But, they must be able to deal with shit on their own and not look for someone else to hide behind.

Most guys are big talkers, but I've seen many who wilt like a flower when someone speaks even a tiny bit rudely to them. It seems as if their spirit is broken and they can't handle it. How does a guy like that get through life? He'll always look for someone to help him or bail him out of a situation. Life will only get tougher as he ages. Sort of a tough love needs to be wielded on him. If he can't take care of himself, how is he going to take care of his family and ensure they are not taken advantage of, manipulated, or hurt? How is he going to deal with tough situations alone or even be someone his family can rely on and look up to?

Pay attention to how he handles himself when someone steps out of bounds. Does he

bring things back into his favor or let the person walk all over him, saying it wasn't a big deal or wasn't worth saying anything? Does he stand up for himself or let things go, saying, "It wasn't worth causing an issue." If he lets someone push him, even a little, be assured that years down the road, he'll let what belongs to you go to someone else because he doesn't have the balls to fight to keep it. Someone will take his job, his promotion, and credit on a project, or cheat him out of money. It will keep happening because he allows it.

Girl, you can do without that type of guy.

Today, grown men say they are being bullied, which amazes me. They should be completely embarrassed to say such a thing. I don't know how any grown person is bullied. Stand up for yourself and move on, it's not that hard. It's life and guys need to deal with it and stop being such candy asses about it.

This better not be the way your guy deals with things...to walk around talking about things rather than handling his business and keeping it to himself. If he doesn't deserve something negative that came his way, he does what is needed in that situation without thinking or talking about it. If it makes him realize he was being an asshole, well then, he learned a lesson and picks up the pieces, saying he got what he deserved and becomes a little wiser because of it. There is no lawyer involved. It's handled.

This is what should happen more often if people would be tougher in how they deal with life's events, in general. Maybe they could take responsibility for their actions rather than look to someone else to prop them up and even the playing field on their behalf.

Your guy needs to be different than what I'm seeing and I have no idea how you will flush one out. This is what worries me. As I said, you need to find a strong man because, if he can't fight for himself how is he going to protect you? I'm talking about normal life situations such as buying a house, planning for your financial future, teaching your kids how to deal with shit. It comes down to being strong enough to stand up for yourself and be the one who determines your future, not allowing someone to put their interests above yours and take what you have every right to obtain, what you have earned.

Right now, I'm seeing your options as pretty limited and getting worse. Your guy needs to have a desire to provide better things for you than what I have, such as a better quality of life. So, upgrade the man in your life when the time comes for a change from me. Find the kind who wants to work in order to make your life easier. Someone who encourages you and gives you the strength to push yourself when you want to throw in the towel. Someone who is honest with you when that's the last thing you want to hear. He needs to be your best friend, strongest supporter, yet also your biggest critic, when needed.

It's not a one-way street, though. I expect you to pull your own weight. After all, it's a partnership in every aspect. You're not a queen of some countryside village, so don't act like it. If you want to be treated better than most, act better than most. If you find yourself asking why he doesn't do certain things, most likely you have more control over that than you think. If you ask that question, it's only fair to question whether you're doing the things for him he would like. As hard as it may be, make the first move, go overboard, and do the things he would like. Be careful not to do the things you would like someone to do for you and projecting those desires on him. If you do, you may find yourself doing things he doesn't value and you won't understand why they aren't appreciated.

If you focus on what he would like rather than what you would want or think he should

want, you may receive a different outcome altogether. If not, then you have a right to complain,

but not until then. If you want to change someone's behavior, change yours first and see what

happens.

If you find the right guy, it will be important to understand how he's wired and what comes naturally for him. If he's a good guy, he's going to want to work and will want to provide. If that's the case, let him be a man. Let him focus on what makes him feel proud and fulfilled. That may mean he works a bit more than most or focuses on his career. Don't let him be a workaholic, but give him space to be who he is. That's what I mean about not projecting your needs on him. He may be giving you exactly what you are looking for, just in a different way than how you express the same emotions. His way of showing his dedication to you may be hard to understand, but it doesn't mean it should be ignored or changed. You have to let him be who he is even if you don't understand it completely.

Be careful how you talk to each other. You don't have to fall into the societal norm of complaining about your spouse and talking about how bad he acts either. That shit drives me crazy. Talking in that manner is only going to ensure it happens because that's what you and he will hear over and over until you both believe it is reality. It doesn't make any sense either. If you are constantly complaining about your guy and it's all true, you really only have yourself to blame. You made a bad decision and aren't taking the steps to correct it. It may be funny at a party to make jokes about him, but if it's a daily occurrence and heartfelt, it's a reflection on your poor decision making. It's easy to do because it's so common.

Marriage provides a lot of comedy material, but make sure any complaining in public is simply that—innocent humor. If it's happening too much, beware of the psychology of hearing the criticisms over and over until you can't distinguish reality from jokes. If he's your guy, he deserves to be spoken about positively.

Understand how the guy was raised and how he interacts with people. Don't be with

someone who has been coddled by their family. Don't latch on to a mama's boy, nothing good will come out of that. When I see how many men were raised, I recognize that their parents did them no favors by constantly defending them and bailing them out of bad situations. If people don't learn how to navigate themselves out of those bad situations, they will never survive when their protective shield is gone.

Parents need to raise kids to be self-sufficient because anything else is setting them up for failure. Have them fail earlier on in life so they can recover and be more prepared for the future. I know people in their thirties who call their parents first whenever anything bad happens. They immediately look for support and someone to solve their problem. I've never understood that. If you're beyond your teenager years, deal with it yourself.

Pay attention to these things in your guy. Does he take support from people or provide it? Be with the man who gets the calls for help, not the one who is constantly placing them. He won't be of any use to you when times get tough. He will only be a burden. People can certainly change, but don't marry someone you hope to change. That's marrying an image or an idea and not an actual person.

Don't force it; you'll know when it's right.

Know who you are marrying.

Pay attention to how he acts around various people. If he takes on a different personality around family than friends, co-workers than bosses, chances are he doesn't know who he is and, thus, neither do you. It's better to be with someone who is the same around everyone than a

person who changes their personality based on who's in the room.

The same goes for you. Don't put on some kind of facade to draw someone in. No one

can keep that up. Eventually, the true person shows up and neither may like what comes forth.

Don't judge this clown by any standard you can't live up to either. I hear women complaining that men don't do certain things for them, don't act a particular way, but when I see them interact their husbands, the women are inappropriate, taking some pride in ordering people around, behaving like they should be catered to by him and everyone else around them.

What gives them that right? Such actions demonstrate insecurities and a desire for drama. They never ask themselves the question if they are acting in a manner, which would result in someone wanting to treat them well. You get what you give and they aren't mature enough to understand that. It's always someone else who has the issue; they never look within. You want to change? Start within and see what happens. It's not always on someone else to come to you and your ways.

Know this goof is going to mess up at times (as you will) so when that happens, consider the big picture. Don't let small mistakes dwarf the good or be the only thing you focus on. This potential exists for all relationships whether it is at work, with neighbors, friend, family, etc. At first, you only see the positive characteristics of someone or something. For a job, you see the benefits it can provide, but not the difficult commute. You overlook the small things, saying it's not that bad and then those are the same issues you end up leaving the job over. The negatives begin to outweigh the positives only because it's what you allow yourself to focus on.

As for your goof, don't let small issues and annoyances erode your relationship as long as his character is still intact. It's not what defines him. If the mess up is big enough, you'll need to decide if you can move past it. If you do, put it behind you, every aspect of it, because if you don't, you'll never be able to reestablish what you previously had. No one who sincerely regrets something needs to be reminded of it constantly. They'll know their own mistake and most likely will be struggling to get past it more than you can imagine. If you can't move past it, don't beat yourself up about it and don't constantly second guess yourself. Don't feel as if someone else's weaknesses or issues are something you need to help them through. Move on.

People have their own lives and struggles to learn from. You can't allow them to drag you down into a rat hole with them. Most likely, you didn't contribute to it, regardless of what they say. Someone else's actions are not the results of something you did. Everyone has choices. It may be something they need to improve on and work through internally.

Now, there are a few things you can't work through. If some guy is physically or verbally abusive, you're out. There is no compromise on this one. No exception. None. It won't get better. Life's difficult enough without adding this burden to it. You always have options and no relationship should include being subjected to any kind of inappropriate behavior, especially from someone who is supposed to prevent such things.

Know that verbal abuse or being treated in any other demeaning manner is not acceptable. No matter the circumstances, you deserve better than that and you can't compromise on this issue. It's too damaging. You deserve better...at all times.

# Chapter 9

## The Value of Relationships

##

Don't underestimate the impact relationships have on others, whether they are casual, brief or even unintended interactions.

We all have memories from exchanges we've had over the years, not understanding why certain ones remain with us. Opposite of that, we have had dealings with people we can't even recall. For that other person, though, that time together may have created a memory that is cemented in their mind. So, every interaction is an opportunity to be a positive influence on another person.

It doesn't matter if the time is spent standing next to someone in a line or if you are purposely meeting with someone you've known for several years. Each instance has the potential to impact someone because you don't know what else is going on in their life, what their current state of mind is, and, thus, how they are impacted by your actions and words. You don't know the perspective the other person is bringing to your time together, regardless of how well you know them.

This day may be different. You could leave an impression that negatively or positively impacts their outlook on something of importance to them. Listen to people, what they are really saying and reacting to. Each time you intermingle with someone it is an opportunity to leave them a bit better off than before you met. You may not even need to speak any words to have a significant impact on someone or their life. Don't discount the ripple effect of how they, in turn, impact others in their life based on how your interaction left them feeling.

I've noticed people act differently depending based on the likelihood of their paths ever crossing again. Too often, I see people being nasty to each other if their interaction was unintended or they are not familiar with that other person they came across in their daily routine. They could be pulling into the same parking spot as someone else, in line at a store, or any number of casual meetings. People find it easy to be abrasive if they don't think they will interact with that person again or don't see immediate consequences of their actions. It's as if they don't feel the need to exhibit common decency to that other person. They don't consider that the person is someone with feelings, a family, and struggles in life just like them. The frustrations of their own life are allowed to flow freely and negatively toward whoever is around them if they don't think they will ever see those people again. These negative interactions build up throughout the day and put people in a bad mood, make them act negatively to someone else later, and the domino effect impacts many others. The next day, the cycle starts all over again and becomes a way of life.

If you experience someone being an ass to you a few times in a day, then you'll start acting frustrated and pass along that negativity to the next person with whom you interact. By the time you make it through the day with probably hundreds of these interactions, you are in a miserable mood for your families when you get home. The impact of the interactions throughout the day hits hard and gets dumped on the people who deserve it the least.

All of this is based on people not being happy with themselves, not spending their days doing what is fulfilling, and not having meaningful pursuits in their life. They are frustrated with their own situation and have to cover that up with a happy face for the majority of the day. However, when it comes out, it's in what they consider to be a "safe" avenue: strangers.

Happy people don't do that shit. Most wouldn't act this way if they considered having a small amount of compassion or understanding for others. Understanding and tolerance seems to be lacking in many people.

I had something happen recently, which made this point hit home.

Opportunities for Connection

After working late, I stopped at a store on the way home. I was annoyed when I couldn't find someone to help me get something that required a store employee to provide. There was no one at this part of the store as they should have been. Another employee noticed me standing there and came over to see if they could assist. The problem was they weren't very helpful and instead, explained how the person responsible for that area must have stepped out.

So, I'm getting aggravated because I want what I need so I can go home. The employee eventually shows up after about fifteen minutes and apologizes, saying he needed to step out of the store to make a phone call.

Personally, I was thinking it was an awful reason. You can't just walk out of your job and leave people waiting for an extended time because you needed to make a phone call. That's selfish to just walk away and screw everyone else. A ton of thoughts are going through my head and none of them are good. I know I'm being selfish and arrogant with these thoughts, but it doesn't make them stop. I keep thinking about how much this guy deserves a kick in the nuts for inconveniencing me.

As he's helping me, we start talking and I find out the phone call was to his two kids who he doesn't see often because they live out of town. He wanted to tell them goodnight and that he loves them before their bedtime. The man was also a veteran who was wounded when deployed overseas. When he returned to the U.S., he found out his wife had cheated on him. He wasn't living with his kids because he and his wife were going through a divorce.

He obviously didn't have a high-paying job so now an actual picture started to form about this man's life and the struggles he was currently facing. With this background knowledge, do I care as much that I had to stand around for fifteen minutes? I had been ready to say something inappropriate, selfish, and arrogant to him because I thought he should have focused on my needs as if no other situation mattered, but that would have made his day even worse.

I wasn't considering any other alternative than he was slacking off on his job. I took it as a personal insult and almost acted on those thoughts, which were completely wrong. I wasn't giving him the benefit of the doubt. If I had made the comments in my mind, I would have made him even more upset and maybe pushed him over the line emotionally. He would then internalize it and later expresses this frustration unnecessarily at someone else and on and on and on. If he did anything out of anger, I would have to bear some of the responsibility of his actions all because I was asked to wait for fifteen minutes.

People don't consider the consequences their words, deeds, and actions may have on another person, but I'm asking you to do that. You can't project your own frustration of the day on someone who doesn't deserve it and then walk away as if it doesn't matter. Maybe you feel better for releasing your anger, but you're doing it to the detriment of someone who doesn't deserve it.

My life wasn't made any better by what I was buying at this store, by the way. I felt like shit before I even left the store that night. It was a great reminder of how you need to keep things in perspective and you need to understand what enters your mind may not be the correct assessment of the situation. Your perspective could be wrong.

In essence, before you enter into any potentially bad interactions, take a minute to think about if there could be a different set of facts other than what you are considering. Is there another perspective on the situation that would change your thoughts and reaction to what is happening? You can't have all the information available to make a complete assessment of the situation and thus, determine the appropriate way to act. What does it hurt to give someone the benefit of the doubt and just be pleasant to people? It's the right approach.

People can't go around telling their stories to everyone they speak to, so what's the harm in letting a few things go and being pleasant and showing compassion? Why always look for the slightest reason to start a confrontation? Why not assume the other person is decent and they didn't mean to insult you with their actions? Maybe they didn't notice you were about to pull into that parking spot? Maybe they aren't as observant of their surroundings as you are. Maybe life has given them some recent challenges and they could use a simple gesture of kindness and understanding today. Maybe they do deserve a kick in the nuts, but once you do that, you can't take it back so make sure they deserve it before you take that step.

Try to have a little understanding as you go through your day. Many people let their pride get in the way of them doing what is best in many situations. They think kindness equates to weakness, which isn't the case. So, get a handle on the source of your emotions and the situation before unloading on someone.

Life is tough for some, so rather than making it tougher, give someone hope that decent people are around; give them some hope to push on further and that good will and can prevail.

It's interesting that many people don't observe the disconnect between their words and their actions. You will see people pass along heartwarming stories about selfless acts of kindness and generosity. They even talk to their kids about the importance of being kind and treating people properly. These same people will go about their daily activities without implementing the concepts they teach to their kids or demonstrated within the stories they enjoy reading and sharing with others.

The problem is most people are looking for someone else to take the lead rather than

starting with themselves. You need to be kind and thoughtful to people as they go about their

day. Regrettably, being rude has become common place nowadays.

Why can't each person do their part and perform even the smallest acts of kindness that would have a positive impact? Why can't they pay attention to their own actions and think about the impact it has on people? What if, for one day, everyone committed to making an effort to just be nice to each other?

Shit, you don't even need to go that far.

How about a day when people aren't assholes to each other? Is that even possible? For one day people don't perform any selfish acts, don't lie, and don't use others for their own gain. That's not asking for much because it's the way people should be acting every day. I'm just asking we all be good human beings for one day... one fucking day, that's it. Maybe people would get an idea of how life could and should be:

  1. Be a good co-worker, pull your weight, and act in a manner that considers the impact of your actions on others.

  1. Be a decent and productive member of your family and help them out instead of bringing drama. Stop taking time and resources away from your family; rather, produce something of value for them. Help them lighten their burden and stop adding to it.

  1. Be a good friend. Don't talk negatively about someone and don't participate in bringing friends down. Instead, help them advance in an area important to them even if you don't understand why.

  1. Be a good person in society. If you're driving in traffic and miss your turn, don't stop three lanes of cars while you correct your problem, cutting across multiple lanes, inconveniencing many.

Just be a decent human being, that's all I'm wishing from people. Help people; don't hurt them, regardless of how well you know (or don't know) them. It's the right way to handle yourself. Don't do something you know will bring another person negativity because someone has done the same to you. Don't pass along the nonsense. Be the one who does the right thing, treats people appropriately. Don't wait for someone else to be the good person, you start.

Most likely, at some point, you are going to have a job where you hold a higher organizational position than someone else. You will have authority over others in that role. If people report to you, those are important relationships for many reasons. You have the ability to positively influence this person's professional and personal life. Your actions and how you handle your interactions may influence how they interact with their family, kids, spouse, parents, etc.

Many people take these relationships lightly, but I'm asking you to take them incredibly seriously. I've seen too many people who are in love with the idea of being higher than someone on an organizational chart. This means nothing other than that person has a great deal of insecurity. Think about how much crap that is. When a "boss" walks out of the office and onto the street after work hours, they hold absolutely no power because life doesn't have organizational charts. Job titles don't follow you around on weekends, so why would anyone normal feel superior to another because of their position within one company? If they would think about it, they would understand how foolish this type of thinking is. It's likely most people have never heard of them or their company so their feeling of superiority is limited to a small number of people for only a portion of each day.

Also, everyone has a boss, so if you treat employees like servants or as if they are lower quality people, those above you have the right to treat you in the same manner. Even people at other companies with higher level positions have the right to treat them without dignity, following this thought process. The power of being higher on an org chart is temporary at best. It means nothing in terms of if a person is better or worse than another but for some reason, it's a critical part of how people define themselves. Being a boss provides some people with what they feel is justification to treat people inappropriately, makes them feel important, I guess. You should look at this situation as an opportunity to positively influence someone's life. Ask them what they want out of their career and help them achieve it. Maybe their personal lives are more important than their career, which is fine. Maybe they need to take care of kids or elderly family members so they require flexible hours.

Everyone has their priorities and as a boss; you should understand what those are and help them. Give them recognition for good work rather than take credit for what they have done because they work within your group. Take them to meetings which would give them exposure and an opportunity to show others in the organization their skills and potential. When available, allow them to spend time with their families or pursue outside activities. Help them personally, as well as professionally, when the opportunity presents itself. Interact with them, as you are all part of the same team, at the same level and pursuing the same goals.

Always remember your position of authority over them is only temporary in terms of hours of the day, as well as years of your lives. Respect the position you've been put in as well as your interactions with people who report to you. You have as much responsibility to them as they do to you. Most people spend more time with those they work with than their families, so what happens at work will have a significant impact on other areas of their life. If people are fulfilled at work and respected, those positive feelings can carry over to positively impact how they interact with their families. Therefore, indirectly, how you treat people at work impacts people you don't know; the children and spouses of those who you do work with. It's a pretty significant responsibility, so don't take it lightly and work to improve your skills in this area. Think about how you would want those you care about the most to be treated at work and follow that approach when interacting with people. On the other hand, if you find yourself working for someone who consistently treats people inappropriately and unprofessionally, you need to move on. They have issues that don't need to be part of your life.

I'm always surprised at the number of people who have put up with behavior that can only be labeled as abusive. People with tempers, who feel that yelling and swearing at employees is the best way to interact with them, lack all ability for self-awareness (or just don't give a shit about people). These people are too common at all levels of organizations today. Shame on them and shame on those who allow that behavior to continue.

Many executives look the other way when they hear about or even witness such behavior. They aren't fulfilling their responsibilities to the organization but deeper than that, they aren't fulfilling their responsibilities of being a good person. Allowing others to be the subject of any type of abuse when they have the ability to end it, should result in them being embarrassed by their own behavior, especially when it occurs in order to allow their own financial gains to prosper. They need to grow some balls and end the abuse, regardless of what they perceive as a potential outcome.

People need to put their own personal gain aside and do what is right because others are watching. Not stepping in and correcting a wrong gives some of those observing the evidence that reinforces their belief that fairness is absent from their world. Such interactions, or lack of them in this example, help shape people's thoughts and their attitudes. Ending negative interactions when you have the ability to do so is as important as having positive interactions.

Throughout the day, you will have many interactions and you never know who is

observing those moments and impacted by what they see. I remember getting gas once and for no particular reason, was watching people move in and out of the store.

I watched as a man and a girl got out of their car and walked toward the front of the store. My guess is the man was the father of the young woman. He was attentive as he got out of his car and approached the entrance watching her walk away from the car and toward him. It appeared once he felt comfortable she was okay, he moved quickly to reach the door before she did. He opened the door for her and they exchanged a look and smile in a manner I could only imagine was absolute love. She appeared to have Down syndrome and he seemed to be dedicating his life to her well-being.

He wasn't worried about impressing anyone in this world except her. Likewise, she didn't seem to care about anyone but this man. I will never forget that brief moment and am appreciative of observing the interaction between them. It made me thankful for the relationships I have in my life, as well as the benefits I've been given. No material possessions could outweigh their love for each other. They apparently obtained what most search for and don't always find in life. They seemed to have a never-ending love for each other that is placed above everything else in their lives.

Now, I'm making a lot of assumptions based on my observations. I didn't feel as if they were financially well off, but in what they deemed valuable and important, they were tremendously wealthily. They had someone for whom they put their best interests above all other things and possessions. It made me remember what is important and what should be my focus.

As a result, this reiterates what I've been saying about not thinking people aren't influenced by interactions you may have throughout your day. There may be the opportunity for you to have a tremendous impact on someone you never even met. Maybe someone is watching you or listening to your words. You may be creating a memory which impacts their outlook on life or

their perspective.

You may decide to have children one day and I'm not sure there are any more rewarding, frustrating, or impactful interactions than the time you spend with your kids, especially doing normal day-to-day activities, which are critically important. This is how kids learn to interact with others, how to treat people, how to carry themselves, and how to handle various kinds of situations. They learn from observing you and mimicking your behavior.

After having you, I realize kids seem to understand people's intentions. They know if you are acting in their best interests, even if they are screaming and bitching about what you are doing or asking them to do. They need that type of discipline and caring to feel they are loved. If you fight with them over eating right or explaining why you are taking a particular approach, they know and understand they are being loved. They will cry and throw fits, but they understand you are acting in their best interests.

If a parent is focused on doing what is most beneficial for themselves and not their kids, the children pick up on that and will get a sense that they aren't worthy of their time or attention. It's something I see kids struggle with for years and search for attention from different avenues and people. So, it's not about the type of activity you are doing with the kid, it's that you are spending time with them. I hear many people talk about how they are taking their kids to expensive restaurants or exotic vacations spots. The kid doesn't give a shit about that; they don't even know the difference.

I know someone who is struggling with significant behavioral issues with one of their kids. They talk about all the advantages they have provided for this kid such as upscale experiences and material possessions. They enrolled him in private schools and bought whatever was requested. They also talk about how they and their spouse focused on themselves, having others take care of the kids or leaving them alone while they went out living as if they were fifteen years younger. It seems they are always chasing a good time and trying to impress people in their social circle. They can't see the connection of their actions from years ago to the discipline problems they are facing today. The kids didn't get the positive interactions they required with the people they needed the most.

The parents will face the consequences of their decision to focus on relationships with their friends rather than their kids. Not only is it interaction with the outside world that is so necessary, but how you behave at home, how you treat family members, and even the way you are with the pets. During these times, you are influencing the future behavior of this kid and the type of approach they take to life. If a kid hears someone on the phone gossiping or sees them watching some nonsense reality show on TV, what are they going to think? It's simple: They are seeing and hearing what seems to be normal, acceptable behaviors, so they will repeat those or even seek out those types of interactions.

They only know what they see. Providing that experience as a baseline is selling them short. The kid deserves better exposure to life than this. They deserve to experience better interactions than this nonsense. If kids witness their parents screaming at each other, being disrespectful to their spouses, and similar actions, what type of relationship to you think they will enter into later in their life?

Having children should be the driving reason people clean up their act and start to pay

attention to how they behave. They discipline their kids, but don't apply those same standards to their own behavior. They don't elevate their expectations of themselves. They accept less from themselves and those around them than what is communicated to their kids. Their words and actions are different.

What happens then? Well, kids learn you can say one thing and deliver something else. These people may tell their kids to be kind, treat others properly and respectfully, but then they see their parents acting inappropriately and it sends a mixed message. Kids will pay attention to the actions rather than listen to the words they hear.

If you decide to have kids, you owe it to them to demonstrate your best behavior in front of them and even when they aren't around. You are laying down a reputation that is attached to them so take it seriously. You need to be conscientious about your interactions with everyone around you. You may be old enough to have kids, but are you mature enough? Too many people aren't. They are still seeking the approval of others, acting as if they are in high school, and exhibiting embarrassing behavior. They are not ready to bring a kid into the world and produce a productive and stable person for others to interact with.

If you decide to have kids, realize your life and personal enjoyment has to be put behind the welfare of the kids. You need to focus on what is in their best interest and, especially, spend quality time with them rather than meeting your friends for happy hour. Your priorities must change for the benefit of the kid's. If you're not there yet, don't move forward with having children. It wouldn't be fair to them or the rest of the world that has to deal with one more emotional mess. Get your shit straight before you take on the responsibility of a child. It's too important of a role to not be in a position to give it a full-out, full-time effort.

If I'd had you earlier in life, I may have handled many interactions differently, as well as

avoided some costly errors. Maybe I wasn't ready to be a father at that time and would have been one of the people I'm talking about. Today, I try to ensure all of my interactions with you are positive, or at least meaningful.

Having kids isn't an opportunity for you to relive your own life either. The fact that so many people don't get that is simply amazing to me. Part of the reason for spending time with your kids is to learn about what interests they have, how they enjoy spending their time, and learning about them as an individual person. That provides an opportunity for you to create an environment where your child can pursue many different avenues to determine what they enjoy and where it may lead to in adulthood. It's for their benefit that you find out what motivates them and help determine the best path for them based on their interests and skills.

Many people are frustrated with the fact they are doing a type of work they don't enjoy, having to spend time doing things which aren't fulfilling and then turn around and put their own kids in that same situation. They want them to drive toward a specific career and interests. Driving them toward any type of activity that interests them, not necessarily the kid. They push the kids toward things that make them miserable and resentful only because they want to live a second life through them. They want the kid to achieve what they couldn't in their own youth. They can't let go of some achievement they missed out on years ago, so they've attached it to their kids now. Don't be that fool.

Your kid is and should be different than you. Get over your dreams and get connected to theirs. A parent's place is to allow their child's innocence to remain intact as long as possible before the world takes it, as it eventually will. When the child grows, the parent should create an environment, which allows the kid to find their own path in life that lets them pursue their own interests and goals. Permit the kids to learn about themselves without being driven toward goals and aspirations that are not theirs. As they grow into adulthood, the hope is they will be independent, able to take care of themselves, and contribute to society. They can't do this if they are strapped with their parents' baggage, trying to live the dreams of someone else. 

# Chapter 10

## When I Get Your Calls

Okay, I don't know what is happening, but as I write this you are incredibly young, but when you get around your mother, you are already irritating the shit out of each other and you guys are driving me crazy with the nonsense.

I can be with you for hours without any issues and then after ten minutes of interacting with your mother, it's as if you are trying to aggravate each other on purpose, seeing how annoyed you can make the other.

It needs to stop. What the heck are you guys doing that for?

Let me tell you something about your mother you need to always keep in mind...always. She had issues that made having a baby a difficult process. After overcoming them, which was years of struggle, she had a miscarriage.

There was a time I came home from work and found her crying. She was in tears because she couldn't see a path to having her own baby. She wanted you so badly it was killing a part of her; breaking her. She cried because she loved something so much even though it didn't exist yet...you. She loved you before you were a reality.

So, cut the shit already before you do some long-term damage to your relationship. You can't turn away someone who has that much love for you. Those relationships are the ones you need to appreciate and nurture. Yeah, you see her as limiting your happiness and always correcting you, but at some point, you will realize she has nothing but your best interest at heart. That's not something you can take lightly.

Trust me, that time will change your thoughts on this. Pull the crazy back a bit; you're fucking killing me. Same with your sister. I need you two to stick together. Your mother and I will not always be around, so it's best you stay together, watch out for each, and help one another. You're not going to have a closer connection with anyone else in this world than each other.

You both are from me. I am in your DNA. You both share the same connection and source. You'll be better and stronger together if you keep that link and worry for the other's well-being. I'll be disappointed if you let issues or life come between you.

Your bond should always be above any nonsense or issues. It's in your control not to let that happen.

There are only about seven people in this world I actually give a shit about. Because I find most people to be pretty useless, I need those select people I care about to look out for each other. Now, your mother may have a different take. We can be talking to the same person and afterward, I'll tell her all I could think about was trying to find a way to stop his incessant chatter. Your mother, in contrast, would comment about how great the conversation was and her positive impressions of him.

How the hell is it possible that two people see the same situation so differently?

For some reason, I see the negative in people and your mother sees nothing but positive. It's that way with many other aspects of life, as well. I hope you pick up her tendencies rather than mine when it comes to your perspective on people and life. I'm asking that you give people the benefit of the doubt, take some time to understand what type of person they are, and learn what they stand for. I'm quick to write people off or take one bad quality and project it over their entire life. That's not fair. Be protective of yourself, but don't always assume the worst.

There are some good people out there, I just haven't met very many.

My hope is you do.

Even though you are very young, your mother tears up thinking about how fast the years are going by and how she wants things to slow down. I've understood the deal from the beginning, but your mother has never accepted it. You are with us for a short time and then we need to step aside and let you go, to make your own way, create your own life. At some point, the decisions about your life become yours and you need to own them, as well as the consequences that come with them.

I hate the idea of you leaving and being out in the world away from my view. I wish I could explain to you how much that worries and pains me, but I don't have the skill or vocabulary to properly communicate it. I do know it's where we are headed though, and I'm not fooling myself about the eventuality.

Even with those concerns, I have to say I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with your life. I want to hear your excited voice describing your new experiences, challenges, and achievements. You will do a lot, I have that confidence. I look forward to those future phone calls, emails, texts, or whatever communication technology exists then.

I even look forward to watching you overcome your struggles, fighting for what you believe, and getting what you deserve...even if that means defending yourself and others, which I know you will do. There's so much ahead of you, so much for you to do and I'm anxious for you to get started.

At some point, my days will end and it will be time for me to experience what comes next. My time here, with you, will also come to an end. You will continue on the walk without me. Take the time you need to say goodbye and make your peace with what has happened, but don't let it linger. Move on and live your life. I'm sure you will have people depending on you

and they will need your focus. Don't ever let the past take away your present.

If I did my job correctly, the memories you have will be comforting and pleasant for you to call up when needed.

I have found this life to be a struggle, providing few periods free from worry and/or anxiety. As I've aged, regrets fill my memories and the desire to right the wrongs consumes me fully at times. Most of them are lessons I should have learned in my youth, but didn't come until their usefulness was exhausted. I need you to learn from me, taking positive away from the negatives of my own life. My soul was troubled, but it was my own doing. I take responsibility for the choices I made.

The words I've written to you here are about you making better choices because I can't have you living with the guilt and regret I have. It's now why you are here: to show me the best in life and prove there is good before I go. I am convinced when my day comes, I will find the peace that eluded me when I journeyed through this world, so there will be no reason to worry or feel bad.

I wrote these words to you in hopes you will live the life I wished I had lived, not the one I did live. I didn't come close to following what is written in these pages. What I have written is my hope for how you approach and navigate life. I know I don't possess the strength and courage that is within you. That is why you have the opportunity to live in a way I didn't. You are better than me and I am thankful for that.

I'm not concerned with how I am perceived by others because they don't know me or know what I'm about. Who I am to you is the only thing that matters to me. The rest can kiss my ass; I could not care less. Most deserved what I gave them.

To you, for you, I'm the person I wish I could have been to everyone I cared about. If you

were ever in a position where you couldn't escape death, I would come to you, be with you, and

die beside you to make your transition easier and to comfort you so you weren't quite as scared.

I am here to comfort you when needed, leave you alone when desired, and protect you as you go through the process of finding your way to creating your own life.

I will always come running when called and needed. I will always make for you the sacrifices circumstances require.

That's who I am to you. That's only what matters to me. You are what made my life worth something. Your existence created one for me. I gave you my full effort. My best was saved for you.

I'm comfortable with what I've done on your behalf. I'm at peace with that aspect of my life and thankful you came along and gave me that opportunity. You may love me, but you will never know how much I love you or what love really means until you have your own baby. On that day, you will recognize what created the words I've written here.

The last thing I'll leave you with are a few sayings to read from time to time. Please make sure you can say these things with sincerity. If not, make the necessary adjustments:

  1. What many fear, I run toward.

  1. I welcome the uneasy feelings that come with doing new things.

  1. No one holds me more accountable than I do.

  1. I focus on years and decades down the road.

  1. I take what is mine; no more, no less.

  1. I don't understand things not working out for people.

  1. I lead a disciplined life.

  1. People do not take advantage of me twice.

  1. When I wish things would change, I start with myself.

  1. I don't seek approval from anyone but myself.

  1. When I fuck up, I get up.

  1. I do not fear failure.

  1. The people I give a shit about know it.

  1. I remove assholes from my life.

  1. I forgive.

  1. I've never met a man who is tougher than I am.

  1. I think for myself, forming opinions that I alone developed.

  1. I focus on actions, not words.

  1. I work so that my actions and accomplishments will outlive me.

  1. I have created my own rules to live by.

  1. I am understanding, but destroy those who cross the line.

  1. I set standards for others.

  1. I am kind, not weak.

  1. I can sit alone and enjoy the company.

THE END

About the Author

The author is, well, not an author. He has never written a blog, article and certainly not a book previous to this. He grew up in a blue collar world where he feels most comfortable yet finds himself living and working in the white collar world. He's the average person you see in your everyday travels but never notice, just the way he likes it. He lives with his wife, daughters, cat and dog in the suburbs of a mid-sized American city. He can be reached at: authenticperspectivesonlife@gmail.com
  1. Chapter 1
    1. Pay Attention, Please
  2. Chapter 2
    1. Life is Beautiful but Biased
  3. Chapter 3
    1. Find Peace Within
  4. Chapter 4
    1. Freedom of Religion
  5. Chapter 5
    1. Never Limit Yourself
  6. Chapter 6
    1. Be Purposeful with Your Time
  7. Chapter 7
    1. Control Money (Before It Controls You)
  8. Chapter 8
    1. Choose the Right Partner
  9. Chapter 9
    1. The Value of Relationships
  10. Chapter 10
    1. When I Get Your Calls

