- Doing the robot.
(audience laughing)
- Oh no.
(audience laughing)
- You been sipping on some sizzurp?
- 'Cause we arrogant,
that's why they hate us.
(energetic music)
- My mom would put me in talent shows.
That's why I'm doing this
stuff. You know what I mean?
She put me in talent,
it was the worst, man.
She always put me in talent shows,
'cause everyone in my family sang.
I had an uncle that sang, everybody sang.
Then my mom would put my sister
and I in these talent shows.
My sister can sing.
Me, I couldn't do anything.
I was just, be behind her
(audience laughing)
doing the robot.
My mom would be like,
"Break down, Joseph!"
I'm like, "I hate her!"
(audience laughing)
"I hate her!"
(audience clapping)
One time, she was like,
"Joseph, I have to talk
to you for a second.
Come here. Come here, Joseph."
(audience laughing)
(laughing) I was like 13.
She's like, "Joseph, I have to
talk to you about something."
"What is it, Mom?"
"Well, it's just that everybody
in the family has talent.
Your uncle, he has talent.
Your sister has a talent,
but you, you don't..."
(audience laughing)
"You don't have any
that, you just do the..."
(audience laughing)
"What is, I don't even
know what that is, Joseph.
You just keep breaking down. I don't."
(audience laughing)
And I was like 13, you know what I mean?
And this is when my mom found
out I had some kind of talent.
I was taking a shower, okay.
And when you're 13, you
don't really take a shower.
You're kind of like, I
mean, you're washing stuff,
but it's usually like
right around this area
right here.
(audience laughing)
(laughing) When you're
13, that's all you wash
for about 45 minutes.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
And my mom's like,
"Wow. He has been in
for there a long time.
I hope he's okay."
(audience laughing)
"Maybe I should check on him,
see if he's hurt or something."
And she opens the door
and catches me going at it
and she's like, "Oh my God, Joseph!
Put down your penis!"
(audience laughing)
"Put it down! You're going to go blind!"
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
So I'm 13, and I didn't wanna get caught,
so I had to play it off.
And I was like, like when I was a kid,
Michael Jackson was like the big thing,
like everyone was dancing, like.
And I was like, "No, I'm
doing Michael Jackson!"
(audience clapping)
(audience laughing)
And my mom was like, "Oh
my God! That's talent."
(audience laughing)
(screen whooshing)
- And I've found out, since
I've been in entertainment,
the more money you make,
the more they waste.
That's right. Cause my
friends love Rolex watches.
Oh, they love 'em.
I didn't even know what a Rolex was!
I come from the West Side
of Chicago, poor broke.
I know what time it is. Time to eat!
I'm hungry!
(audience laughing)
I'm trying not to think about the time.
We broke around here.
My friend comes showing me his watch.
He said, "Look at this watch."
I said, "Oh, that's so cute!"
He said, "Cute? What you mean cute?
You know how much this damn watch costs?"
I was like, "No, I can't say as I do."
He said, "$16,000."
I said, "You've been
sipping on some sizzurp?"
(audience laughing)
"What the hell made you
pay $16,000 for a watch?"
And do you know he tried
to justify this purchase?
He thought of telling me,
"See, this is a Rolex.
Look at the second hand.
See the second hand on a Rolex, it glide.
But the second hand on a
regular watch, it jerk."
I said, "That's all you got?"
(audience laughing)
"$16,000 and all you can tell
me is the second hand glide?
Don't you know that for $16,000
the second hand outta act
like a damn second hand?"
(audience laughing)
"For $16,000 that hand
outta jump off the watch
and give you high five when
your team make the damn basket!"
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
16!
For $16,000, if your woman mad at you
and you think it's gonna be a hard night,
(audience laughing)
that second hand should
jump off, grab the lotion
and tell you "You gonna
to be all right tonight,"
(audience laughing)
for $16,000.
(audience clapping)
So I ended up calling
him an ignorant bastard
and we got into it.
He said, "How come a brother
gotta be an ignorant bastard
every time he try to look good?"
I said, "No, you're misunderstanding.
I'm not calling you ignorant
'cause you like to look good.
You said you paid $16,000 for that watch.
Stand your ignorant ass
right here and watch me."
Excuse me, bro, can you
tell me what time you have?
- [Crowd Member] It's 10:35.
- 10:35, didn't cost me a damn nickel!
(audience laughing)
That would be why you a ignorant bastard!
(audience clapping)
(screen whooshing)
- And it all started when I
knocked this guy's drink over.
But it wasn't like a guy,
it was like, it was a guy!
(audience laughing)
You know, he was like serious.
And it was one of those
things where when you mess up,
time just stops.
Like it was all like, slow
motion. It was really weird.
I was at the bar and I'm like,
"Oh yeah, the bathrooms
are right over there."
(audience laughing)
Oh, no!
(audience laughing)
And the guy was like, so mad.
He didn't even say any words.
He was like, (imitates
explosions booming).
(audience laughing)
And all of his friends were like,
"Yeah, fight, fight, fight!"
My friends were like, "We're
gonna go play pool, we'll be...
Call us later, man. We'll see you then."
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "What are you doing?"
I freaked out because...
And it's not fair, 'cause
you know how animals,
like God gave animals things to do
when they get into trouble.
You know, like they do cool stuff
and He didn't give us anything to do.
You know, like on the Discovery
Channel, like on specials,
I saw this special about
this lizard in Australia
and when it gets into trouble,
its head swells up and it just takes off.
Like that's cool, you know?
But could you see some
guy in a bar do that?
Like, "Hey, hey, let's go buddy.
Let's do it."
"What, me?"
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
(audience cheering)
It's like, I'm not gonna
do that in a bar, you know?
(audience laughing)
Not again. So I was like.
(audience laughing)
(laughing) But I was like,
I gotta do something, 'cause
this guy's right in my face.
And I grew up with cats my whole life.
And I thought about that,
it's the only thing I could think of.
And I was like, okay.
The guy's like, "Let's go, dude."
And I'm like, "All right.
Let's go. Let's do it."
(audience laughing)
(imitates cat yowling)
(audience laughing)
(imitates cat yowling)
(imitates cat hissing)
The guy was like, "Dude, man."
(audience laughing)
(screen whooshing)
- I just started realizing
I was American, man.
I never thought I was
American, you know what I mean?
Until I left, you know.
Went to the, you know,
the attacks, man, I didn't like America.
Nobody, black people don't like America.
But now I do, you know?
Because I travel.
They hate us in other countries, man.
When I go to other countries, I look for,
you know, I'll look for people.
I don't care if you got
a KKK on your knuckle
and big-time redneck, man,
if I see you in another
country, you're like my brother
'cause they hate us, man, the same.
Call you Yank.
Yank.
And they say it with that,
Yank, that real evil.
(audience laughing)
'Cause we arrogant.
That's why they hate us.
'Cause we arrogant.
Our arrogance is far
superior than anyone else.
'Cause we don't care what our, we don't...
'Cause we're not number one
in anything, I don't think.
Basketball, whatever. Sports.
But we're not even number
one in that, really.
And we just arrogant. We don't care.
We don't know the name of
nobody else's president.
(audience laughing)
They know GW. They know him.
Other countries know GW, you ask somebody.
But the thing is, why they
hate us is 'cause we don't know
and we don't care.
(audience laughing)
'Cause you be like,
"What, say, do you know the
name of my country's leader?"
You be like, "No," and they'd
be like, "Well, his name."
You like, "I don't, don't tell me that."
(audience laughing)
"I don't wanna hear that."
(audience laughing)
We refer to our sports
champions as World Champs
and we don't play nobody else
(audience laughing)
in the whole world.
(audience clapping)
We just play people
from other cities, man.
The Los Angeles Lakers
are the World Champs
of Los Angeles and rest of the world,
'cause nobody could stop Shaq
anyway, so we World Champs.
(audience laughing)
I'm so arrogant, when I travel
to other people's countries,
I refer to them in their
own country as foreigner.
I act like they visited me.
(audience laughing)
I look at 'em like, "Oh,
where are you from, man,
where are you from?"
(audience laughing)
"Kinda clothes you got on?
Foreigners, oh, who the--
What is this language you're
speaking here in Turkey?"
(audience laughing)
"Speak English!"
(audience laughing)
(energetic music)
(electric bubbling)
