

### It Seemed Funny at the Time

A large collection of short humor

by

David Lubar

It Seemed Funny at the Time

A large collection of short humor

Smashwords edition

Collection copyright 2011 by David Lubar

Individual pieces copyright 1994 – 2011 by David Lubar

For further information on specific pieces, check Google. It knows everything.

Cover design copyright 2011 by digitaldonna.com

Cover photograph by Joelle Lubar

First Smashwords Edition, November, 2011

Text set in 13-point Bohr-model electrons.

This is a work of humor. All persons mentioned here, living or dead, are famous enough to survive the attention. Except for the dead ones, of course.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

# Table of Contents

**Introduction**

PART ONE: General interest

HMO Phobia

Modern 'Mancy

Bus Service

An Aptitude for Scholastics

In Equities

Second to One

An Underhanded Assignment

Double Visions

Snot So

Truth in Advertising

A Different Kind of Sneaker

Mark My Words

How I Became a Buggy-Ride Joke Writer

How to Make Beer at Home

A Raven Fanatic

They Shoot Pigeons, Don't They?

Atlanta Olympics Round-Up

Why I Don't Share Homebrew

Films of Future Past

Thanks for the Memories

Oy Fay!

Flaccid Flashbacks

Our Haunted House

Quick and Easy Costumes

Costume Foolery

Pro and Con Grads

There's No Place Like Genome

Micro-Brew Update

The Blockbuster to End All Blockbusters

Drawing Inspiration

Community Combos

A Compromising Situation

It's My Party and I'll Try If I Want To

Thank You For Calling

PART TWO: Computers and programming

The Concise Guide for Computer Buyers

Twenty-Four Minutes in Cyber-Space

Cutting-Edge Software

Chicken Soup for the Nerd's Soul

Laptop Tips

What Lies Beyond Windows

A Very Brief History of Computers

What the Marketing Phrases Really Mean

Program Development Cycle

Seven Uses for a Broken Mouse

Why Kids Are Better with Computers

A Simple Two-Step Configuration Process

The Read-Only Round-Up

Down the Hatch

PART THREE: Books, literature, and writing

A Guide to Literary Fiction

A Glossary of SF, Fantasy, and Horror Terms

Little-Known Literary Facts

An Aptitude Test for Reviewers

A Red-Letter Day

PART FOUR: For writers

Oh, Grow Up

The Top Ten Query Killers

Letter to a Special Editor

Publishing Trends

My Most-Often Rejected Manuscripts

Career Tips

A Letter for My Fans

Children's Writing FAQ

Kidlit News

Chat-Room Protocol

Freelance Market Update

What Editors Really Mean

Submission Impossible

PART FIVE: For YA fans

MLS The Strange

The History of Young Adult Novels

The Ban-Proof Bookshelf

Newbery Scorecard

The Idiom's Guide to Book Talk

Cinem-YA

A Gathering of Lists

Pssst — Wanna Buy a Book?

TV or Not TV

Degeneration X

Bards and Nobles Editions

Hail, Geezer!

More Double Novels

Tales from the Melting Pot

License to Steal

Who Put the "Dull" in Adult?

Teen Titles

Putting the "Boy" in BilbiOgraphY

PART SIX: Kidlit humor

Scat

Children's Writing Quiz

Prequels

Famous Writers

Mommy, Why Does My Picture Book Suck?

Great Opening Lines

The Top Ten Halloween Books

Straight to the Finish

Horror Crossovers

Oh Pair

PART SEVEN: Regional humor

Howdy, Neighbor

Surviving Y2K in the Lehigh Valley

Let's Talk, Turkey

Winter Reading Round-Up

What's Happening?

Are You Steeped in Lehigh Lore?

A Lehigh Valley Gift Guide

A Flood of Festivals

Lehigh Valley Diet Plans

Local Programming

A Column of Air

Valley Health Alert

Our Annual Survey

Getting the Word Out

Lehigh Valley Jeopardy!

Unheralded Heroes of the Valley

Afterword

About the author

Books by David Lubar

# PART ZERO: Introduction

As proof that irony is one of the strongest forces in the universe, most humor books open with painfully unamusing introductions. This introduction will probably be no different. It will, however, be mercifully brief. I don't want to keep you from getting to the amusing part. There are only two things to discuss here — the title and the contents.

I realize my choice of title gives mean-spirited reviewers a free shot, along the lines of, _"It wasn't then, and isn't now."_ I don't care. The title is a nice fit for this collection. I've been writing and selling short humor for more than thirty years. The oldest pieces included here date back to the 1990s, a time when computers crashed without warning, health care was unaffordable, actors meddled in politics, and the Internet was a perplexing and dangerous mess. I'm not sure whether to feel alarmed or delighted by how well many of these pieces have aged.

A good part of the humor here (or a part of the good humor) is meant for a general audience. Some of it is aimed at target groups, such as home brewers, writers, educators, or programmers. Some of the pieces are on my web site at davidlubar.com. Other pieces are floating around the Internet, and may have already passed through your in-box, courtesy of a forward from a classmate you knew way back in high school. (If you ever wondered where all that stuff comes from, consider me a source.) An eBook seemed the perfect way to gather everything into one convenient and amazingly affordable package.

Unless you're a librarian who writes young-adult novels, brews beer, programs computers, and remembers obscure television programs from the 1980s, you'll probably skip or skim a piece or two. But I've crammed in so much that you'll get your money's worth just from part one. Think of this collection as one of those micro-brew sampler cases. Few people really want both the imperial stout and the raspberry wheat, but nearly everyone likes the pale ale. And most folks will at least try a sip of the garlic-habanero golden lager. So chug, sip, sample, and savor. You never know what delights you might discover.

These pieces are presented as they were originally written. In some cases, I've added a word or two of background information or a brief, unamusing introduction. Several words were left misspelled as an exercise for the reader.

That's all. Enjoy.

# PART ONE: General interest

Wherein we discuss movies, advertising, politics, parenting, beer, sports, telemarketers, health care, Amish buggy rides, and other amusements and annoyances.

## HMO Phobia

[Note: Sadly, though it was written in 1995, this piece still seems relevant.]

Several years ago, I lost my job. (I checked behind the couch and in the pockets of all my winter clothes, but there was no sign of it.) While I dreaded the prospect of zero cash flow, potential addiction to daytime television, and hours in line at the unemployment office, all of that was a piece of cake compared to the real trauma. Along with the job, I lost the medical plan. I had to get new health insurance. After extensive research, I discovered there were only two options — private insurance or an HMO. The private plans required several sacrifices. To afford one, I'd have to sell my house, my car, and possibly a child or two. According to the insurance agent, I fell into one of the high-risk categories — people who had been seen buying cough drops more than once in the last five years.

HMOs were much more affordable, and far more confusing. Ironically, the largest insurer in Pennsylvania offered individual-coverage, but the plan was only available to residents of New Jersey. After several dozen phone calls, I finally found an HMO that would take me. That's when the adventure really began. My own doctor didn't know whether he was a member. It took him a couple of weeks to find out. His answer: "We were, but we aren't anymore, but we might be again sometime. I dunno...."

I had to find a new doctor who belonged to a participating hospital. I also had to find a participating pharmacy, and, as far as I could tell from the fine print on page 856 of the "Welcome to the Plan" manual, it was my responsibility to find participating diseases.

In some ways, HMOs operate like secret clubs. Fortunately, after several months on the phone, I was able to untangle most of the complexities. There's no reason others should suffer the same frustrations. So, as a service to our readers, I'd like to share the information I've uncovered. Use it in good health.

Frequently Asked Questions about Health Care

Q: What does HMO stand for?

A: This is actually a contraction of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A: No. Only those you need.

Q: I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories — those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry — the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away.

Q: What are pre-existing conditions?

A: This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q: Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A: Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q: My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A: Poke yourself in the eye.

Q: I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?

A: You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q: What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A: Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q: No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A: You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q: I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A: Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q: What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A: Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q: Will health care be any different in the next century?

A: No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

## Modern 'Mancy

In olden days, soothsayers told the future with the aid of entrails, tea leaves, and scads of other handy items. That was all well and good for folks who lived in those ancient and unenlightened times when there was an overabundance of available entrails. But this is the end of the twentieth century, and we have no interest in such old-fashioned auguries. This does not mean that the important questions must go unanswered. For those of you who wish to know when that raise is coming or whether your lottery number is finally going to hit, here's a roundup of modern methods of prognostication.

**Xeromancy** — divination by means of the smudges and speckles on a photocopy. Write your question on a piece of paper. Run it through the copier. The pattern of dots around key words has special meaning. A licensed Xeromancer can answer many kinds of questions, but is most accurate with those concerning business issues.

**Fritomancy** — foretelling of events by peering beneath sofa cushions at corn chip crumbs. Fritomancy has proven most accurate in answering personal questions such as, "Will I lose weight?" or domestic queries along the lines of "Is my house infested with rodents?"

**Twistomancy** — reading of the marks on ones palm after removing twist-off bottle caps. A skilled twistomancer can predict many aspects of the future, but most specialize in near-term health issues such as impending headaches and nausea or long-term liver function.

**Dandermancy** — prognostication by way of white flecks on a black sweater. In areas of the heart, this is one of the most respected techniques available. Adherents are quick to point out that this discipline also works well in career issues, especially those dealing with advancement.

**Fragomancy** — finding the future in the fragmentation patterns on ones hard drive. A fragomancer deals mostly with matters of time and productivity.

**Auto-Tridentomancy** — translating the patterns of discarded gum wrappers in a car's passenger foot well. This art is mostly applied to questions concerning the recovery of lost or mislaid objects, but may also be used to divine issues of a financial nature, such as, "Will I be able to sell this car?"

That pretty much sums up the most popular of the modern methods. For more information, call our help line at 1-900-PREDICT ($5.00 per minute toll applies. Entertainment purposes only.) Or visit our web site at http://www.conscamco.com. Have your charge card handy.

## Bus Service

If they had stewardesses on commuter buses...

Hello, and welcome to New York Busway's 7:30 am drive to Secaucus, with a stopover in the middle of the Lincoln Tunnel. I'm your head stewardess, Vanessa Pinchon, and I'd like to take a few moments to discuss the safety features of this Ford 788 wide-bodied turbo bus. If you look under your seat, beneath the wad of gum, the crushed drink cups, and the sticky mass of fuzzy stuff, you'll find your road safety card. Please take a moment to follow along with me as I point out our safety features.

Our 788 is equipped with a main exit, as well as dozens of windows that can each serve as an exit in the event of an unanticipated vehicular contact or other emergency. Should you need to leave in this manner, release the bottom of the window and raise it on its hinges. If the window should happen to stick, FTA guidelines recommend kicking it really hard while screaming. In the unlikely event of a water landing, it is marginally possible that your seat might float. Try to rip it free, but hurry because this vehicle will sink at a rapid pace. To further enable prompt exit in the event of an emergency, you'll notice your seat is not equipped with a seatbelt or other restricting device. As always, your safety is our first concern.

In the pocket that's been slashed in the seatback in front of you, you'll find a complimentary copy of yesterday's newspaper, along with a catalog displaying some of the exciting gifts you can buy in the terminal, including electronic equipment at amazing discounts and exotic gifts from the four corners of the city. Further reading matter may be found scrawled on the side panels in indelible marker or scratched in the windows and on any painted surface.

Should this vehicle pass through a zone of low-quality air, please hold your breath and wave your hand rapidly in front of your nose until we regain cabin pressure.

For your entertainment this morning, we are featuring really loud and annoying music coming from the personal stereo of the person seated next to you.

The driver has just informed me that we're about to start our coast down the terminal ramp. Please extinguish all smoking weapons, and return the slumped over person in the seat next to you to his normal upright position.

Thank you for riding Busway Roadlines.

## An Aptitude for Scholastics

Those of us who've already gotten past high school are really lucky. Starting soon, the dreaded SATs are going to become much tougher — they're going to include essay questions. With multiple guess, even the densest of us had a shot at hitting the right answer. But essays are killers. Sometimes even the people making up the test don't know the answers. For those of you who still have that rite of passage ahead of you, our spies at Educational Testing Service have leaked a portion of the essay section.

English:

1. Describe the common origins of the terms "Port Authority" and "Port-a-Potty," paying special attention to all five senses.

2. Develop and defend a theory as to how the ending of Hamlet might have differed if the characters had been given access to semi-automatic weapons.

3. If you were his friend, what would you call Ishmael?

Math:

1. According to the song, one is the loneliest number. Using induction, along with any necessary axioms from Euclid, give a convincing proof that this is indeed the case. For extra credit, prove that two can be as sad as one.

2. How much is enough?

3. Describe ways in which life as we know it would have differed if pi = 12.

History:

1. If you were a president, who would you be?

2. Could FDR have taken Hirohito in a fist fight? Could the two of them together have beaten Stalin?

3. While most presidents have at least one good catch phrase, some never said anything memorable. Taking into account events of the time, as well as customs and traditions, come up with a good line for Warren Harding.

Languages:

1. ¿Que pasa?

2. Parlez-vous Anglais?

3. Quo vadis?

Chemistry:

1. One beaker holds 350 ml of HCl. A second beaker holds 245 ml of NaOH. Taking into consideration both the ph and the molecular weight of the solutions, which of these two beakers would you rather spill on your pants?

2. Given the natural breakdown of carbonic acid into carbon dioxide and water (H2CO3 => H20 + CO2) as observed in typical carbonated beverages, wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?

Astronomy:

1. Name all the stars. If you need more room, you may use the back of this page.

2. If they can put a man on the common cold, why can't they cure the moon?

Biology:

1. It is well known that the head of a planerian can be split, and that the flatworm will grown two heads in response. Write a sample dialogue between two such heads.

Physics:

1. Einstein said that God doesn't play dice with the universe. Would this stand have forced Einstein to also disallow Yahtzee and backgammon?

2. A physics student has just stepped off the roof of a 1,600-foot tall building. He took his laptop computer with him. Assuming the student can type 60 words per minute, give an example of the longest note he could complete before he reaches the ground.

Education:

1. Explain why aptitude tests are the single most important tool any university can use in evaluating applicants. This portion of the test has no time limit. Take as long as you need. When you are finished, be sure to sign the release form granting us permission to use your answer in any way we see fit.

## In Equities

That passbook saving account just isn't going to cut it anymore. Even factoring in the free toaster and the glossy calendar, the return is far too low. It's time to put your idle money to work. To help get you started, we'll take a look at one of the most common investment vehicles.

Stocks

A stock is simply a certificate that represents a small piece of a company. Let's say you bought one hundred shares of AT&T. Congratulations, you now own about one sixteen-millionth of the whole company, or an amount equal to about seven feet of worn phone cable. Keep in mind that you don't get to decide what to do with that piece of cable — decisions must be made by a majority of shareholders. This majority is composed of three or four guys who own a lot more stock than you, have no interest whatsoever in your wishes, and probably wouldn't even say hi to you if they passed you on the street.

Once you buy a stock, you can immediately sell it to someone else for less than you paid. This phenomenon is known as the bid-and-asked system. It's sort of like buying those nifty collectible dolls or decorator plates for $29.95 and then learning you can sell them back for a whopping thirty-five cents. The difference is called the spread. Usually, the spread on stocks is smaller than that on collector plates, unless the stock is thinly traded. That means nobody wants to buy it, and you never should have picked it in the first place.

Sometimes a stock will split. This can be quite an exciting event. In a two-for-one split, you get twice as many shares, each of which is worth half as much as it used to be. This should mean you have exactly the same value as you started with. Unfortunately, the company had to pay an investment bank several million dollars to carry out this incredibly complex transaction. (Uh, let's see — this guy here had one hundred shares, so I guess we give him two hundred. And this guy had three hundred so... Hang on, where did I put my calculator?) That's what makes a split so exciting — to investment bankers. Despite the inherent loss in value, stocks usually go up after a split. This proves one of the cardinal rules of investing — there's always someone out there dumb enough to buy your stock. Unless it's thinly traded, of course.

Some stocks pay a dividend. This comes from money the company earned. After making the money and paying taxes on it, the company gives the money to you. Then you get to pay taxes on it. Once in a while a company will pay a dividend even when it doesn't make any money. They do this when they expect things to improve down the road and they don't want to disappoint their investors. This is sort of like going wild with a VISA card and hoping you hit the lottery before the bill comes.

There are many ways to pick a stock. Some folks use charts that show past prices. The charts can predict exactly what the stock will do in the future. If the stock doesn't follow the prediction, this means it's a stupid stock and probably doesn't deserve to have a chart. Others folks use economic data or information about the company. Growth is a favorite indicator. If a company has made 20% higher profits each year for the past five years, the odds are it will do well again next year. Honest. Of course, if it follows this pattern for long enough, it will grow so big it will no longer fit in the known universe. Then it will have to split.

Once you've decided which stock to buy, you need to find a broker. Needless to say, this is a very poor choice of terms for someone who is dealing with people's savings. If you use a full service broker, you'll pay several hundred dollars in commissions. With a discount broker, the commission is as low as $15. But there are other things to consider. Just like the bank where you used to keep your money, the full service broker will send you a calendar. That will come in handy if you want to mark the dates of stock splits, dividends, and bankruptcy hearings.

Well, that covers most of the basics. There are some simple strategies that are virtually guaranteed to double your money in less than six months. I use one that is incredibly simple and highly profitable. I'd like to explain it here, but I just noticed how late it's getting. Wouldn't you know it? It's time for me to split.

## Second to One

Can't fork out megabucks for a Mont Blanc pen or designer perfume? Want to impress your friends without going so deep in debt you singe the hologram off your platinum card? No problem. For those of us who are temporarily just a wee bit strapped for extra cash, here's a list of dandy products that are almost as good as the real thing.

**Dan Perignon** — brewed and bottled in the champagne region of Bulgaria, it's got everything a great vintage needs — a green bottle, a label with some French words, a cork, one of those twisty wire things, and bubbles. Tastes great straight or mixed with your favorite cola.

**Rolox** — the solid steel watch with the thin gold coating. It keeps time within a couple minutes a day. The band is designed with a safety-snap feature, allowing it to break cleanly away, thus preventing injuries when grabbed by nearsighted muggers.

**Pierre** — a wonderfully affordable bottled water. Pierre actually comes as a kit. They provide the bottle and a small tablet of "fizzability." You provide the water.

_Merde_ **cedes** — a fine French automobile, styled after the classic German luxury car. One would be hard pressed to prove that there is nothing but a Citroen beneath the elegant chassis. Not recommended for use on curves or hills.

**Monte Bic** — the world's first disposable fountain pen. Avoid the mess and frustration of tricky refilling instructions. As a bonus, the cute little logo at the top of the pen doubles as an eraser.

**Goodiva Chocolates** — hey, they're pretty good. They're made of real chocolate, or something that tastes just like it, with fillings and nuts and stuff. Some of them even come wrapped in shiny foil.

**Beluga Cadaviar** — so what if it comes from dead sturgeon? It's going to smell anyhow. This way, you don't see a wad of bucks going down the gullet every time someone spreads a little dab on a cracker.

**Water** _fjord_ **Crystal** — an elegant line of vases and stemware from way up north. Their slogan tells it all: "You'll love the price, it's made of ice."

**Tiphony Lamps** — these lamps, with their colorful glass shades, provide a nice touch of elegance in any room. As an added feature, much of the glass is also embossed with unique logos or letterings such as "12 fl. oz." or "dep. in NY, CT, VT."

**Vincent Van Gosh Paintings** — swirly artwork from a completely sane Dutch artist who has both his ears intact. Given that Mr. Van Gosh can crank out a wheat field or a vase filled with sunflowers in two minutes flat, their affordability is no surprise. Quantity discounts available.

**Armoney Suits** — tailored from durable-yet-fashionable dollar bills, these striking double breasted suits are sold at a mere markup of 10% over face value. Available in green, faded green, or coin-washed green.

## An Underhanded Assignment

I know virtually nothing about softball. That, in my opinion, is one of the keys to being a successful assistant coach. Instead of trying to relive lost moments of sports heroism or unfulfilled dreams of diamond glory, I can have fun, lend a hand, enjoy the weather, and let the head coach do his job. I'd make an occasional helpful suggestion to a player if she was holding the bat at the wrong end or committing one of the other rare errors I could spot, but mostly I just acted as a human backstop, indefatigable cheerleader, and gofer.

That approach worked well for the past three seasons of girls' softball. This year, when the head coach looked around at the gathered assistants and asked, "Who wants to be pitching coach," some uncontrollable spasm sent my arm in the air. Everyone else took a step backwards. Everyone else was smart enough to realize how much squatting came with the position. The job was mine.

I knew less about pitching than I did about hitting or fielding. I knew nothing about hitting or fielding. The one thing I knew was that I'd better call Willy. Only he stood between me and the abysmal prospect of letting the team down. Willy was born with a glove in his hand.

I called him as soon as practice was over. "Willy, can you teach me how to pitch?" I figured the best way to know how to teach the skill was to learn it first.

"Sure. When?"

"Tonight?"

"You're kidding?"

"I'm desperate."

"Come right over."

Willy's a man of few words.

I went right over and got a pitching lesson. Standing in his living room, going through the motions, it seemed pretty easy. But I suspected I was still in trouble.

Willy must have sensed the raw fear oozing from whatever gland it is that controls pride. "You want me to come to practice tomorrow?" he asked.

"Please."

"I'll see you there."

I'd been given a temporary reprieve. The next day, Willy came to practice and helped me work with the pitchers. And I learned something crucial. I learned one thing about coaching that should help me get through the next several seasons.

"You've got some good pitchers," Willy told me when we were finished with the session. He helped me rise from the catcher's position I'd held for the last two hours.

I rubbed the various ball-shaped bruises on my shins and ribs. "I wish I knew enough to give them some tips." I envied the way Willy had been able to offer each girl specific pointers.

He shook his head. "It doesn't really matter what you tell them."

"What do you mean?"

"They don't listen."

"I saw them. They were listening to you."

Willy smiled. "They look like they're listening. They make the change for a pitch or two, but then they go back to doing what they want."

"So it doesn't matter what we tell them?"

"Not at this age."

"Then why are we out here?" I asked him.

He shrugged and looked up at the cloud-speckled sky. "I don't know about you, but I'm here for the weather."

Maybe next year, they'll let me be batting coach.

Play ball...

## Double Visions

Hey folks — guess what? Those masterminds who made the world so much richer by colorizing all those drab and boring classic films have come up with yet another way to enrich the lives of people far and wide. Duplex Entertainment, in a move to help busy viewers get the most pleasure from their leisure time, has just announced the creation of Double Visions (tm). In a stroke of brilliance, and with the help of massive computing power, they've created a series of videos that feature two classic television episodes skillfully melded into one stunning product. Yes, you heard me right, two episodes in one. Here's a rundown of their hottest series.

_MARY TYLER M*A*S*H_ makes its debut with a release called "Henry the Clown." In this wrenching episode, Colonel Henry Blake goes down in flames and is eulogized by Mary Richards. She feels so bad about laughing at the funeral that she allows herself to be seduced by Hawkeye.

_LAVERNE AND LUCY_ — an out-of-control conveyor belt carrying endless beers sets the stage for a hilarious episode where the girls chug their way to oblivion while Fred, Ricky, Lenny, and Squiggy play poker. In the climax, hilarious antics abound as Laverne and Lucy try to sneak into Carmine's dance routine.

_MURPHY X_ — The veteran television journalist gives birth to something strange and drippy. Miles gets spirited away, never to be seen again. Corky smokes a cigarette.

_THE TWILIGHT MOONERS_ — In the premier episode, "To Serve Hummina Hummina," Ralph and Norton buy ad time to pitch a cookbook given to them by aliens. In later episodes, the buddies visit a pool hall that is actually a funeral home, crash on an alien planet that turns out to be Hoboken, NJ, and get plastic surgery so they can look like everyone else.

_I'M DICKENS, HE'S FESTER_ — a pair of bumbling repairmen find they may not know much about wiring but they can always manage to get light bulbs to turn on. (TV fans will be especially pleased to see John Astin in two roles.)

_FERRIS BUELER CAN'T PARK_ — Parker Lewis and Ferris Bueller wander around for a while, go to school, drive some cars, and then fade from our memory.

_I'VE GOT A SEINFELD_ — A panel of celebrities tries to guess what incredibly mundane activity the guest has just performed. The winner gets a great bowl of soup, but no bread. The losers get to return to their own domain.

_BONANZA VICE_ — Two partying cops keep their houseboat on a ranch and help a tight-knit family fight off rustlers. Things get a little dicey when Hop Sing cooks Sonny's alligator.

_I DREAM OF DOOGIE_ — An astronaut's life changes when he finds a very young doctor in a bottle. The doctor learns responsibility from the astronaut. The astronaut learns about investing in oil wells from the doctor.

_ROUTE 90210_ — Spoiled and somewhat kooky rich kids drive around in search of adventure with the top down and the riders unbuckled.

## Snot So

Warning — the following document discusses issues which, while not offensive to children and teenagers, might be disturbing to some adults.

I was glancing at the back of a box of Kleenex(tm) brand tissues, reading up on the latest varieties and flavors, when the following information caught my eye. The extra-large type boasts that it offers "extra size for trusted containment."

Trusted containment?

Wow. Someone got paid a huge wad of money to come up with that phrase. Hundreds of consumers participated in polls and focus groups. Millions of dollars were spent. But it doesn't sound right. There's just something so cold and technical about that term. It really doesn't seem to belong in the same universe as anything that might fly from my nose.

I definitely want trusted containment for nuclear waste, sulfuric acid, jockey shorts, and any film that features Kevin Costner as a mythic hero. But we're not talking about toxic waste here. We're talking about a slight quantity of normal body fluids. For starters, there's no problem at all if you wear blue jeans. They're specially designed to provide a large surface for repositioning containment overflow material. Even if you've mistakenly worn pants that show stains, rescue is as close as another tissue. They do pop up. They're quite trustworthy that way.

I would have loved to have been at the meeting where they brainstormed phrases to describe the extra large tissues. It's not hard to envision. First, the alliteration artists probably waded in.

"I've got it!" ad man number one would shout. "We'll say it has _Goo Grabbers_."

"Too visceral." Number two shakes his head. "How about _leak lockers_?"

They all start chiming in.

"Drip defenders."

"Slobber stoppers."

"Mucus managers."

"Slime squelchers. No, better yet, squirt squelchers."

The head of the team, who most recently worked on a campaign for state-of-the-art microprocessors, raises his hand and calls for silence. "This isn't working. We need something technical."

The resident soup expert shakes his head. "No, we need something comforting and reassuring."

"Hey, how about technical and comforting?" asks the guy who is perpetually bitter over that fact that someone else came up with the tastes-great/less-filling concept.

And on that path they head, to the painfully inevitable creation of _trusted containment._

Wouldn't it be so much better to just speak the simple truth? Extra large tissues keep snot from running down your hand. Nice idea. Convenient concept. There's definitely a market for it. Lots of people would buy the tissues for that reason alone.

But not me. I wear jeans.

## Truth in Advertising

It started the morning after my wife and I moved into our new house. We'd gotten a great deal on the place. It was in a fabulous location, smack-dab in the middle of unspoiled country not far from several farms and a dairy. As sunlight filtered in, I sat on the edge of the bed, stretched, peeked out the window, and said, "It looks like a beautiful day."

"No it doesn't," the voice from the bathroom said.

I checked the bed. My wife was still asleep. _Intruder alert!_ my brain screamed.

"It will be a dreadful day," the voice said. "You'll be lucky to get through the morning alive and in one piece."

I grabbed the nearest blunt instrument and raced toward the bathroom. (Self defense tip — cats don't like being treated like blunt instruments.) There was nobody in sight. While I was putting iodine on my scratches, I heard the voice again. It seemed to be coming from the sink's drain hole.

"Those scratches will get infected," it said. "You might lose that arm. The cat probably hates you now. As soon as you leave, it will lick your toothbrush."

That was it. I called the real estate agent. "What kind of a house did you sell me?" I asked.

"Everything was in the ad," she said. "Why do you think it was so cheap? Most people won't live in a place with a skeptic tank."

_Skeptic tank?_ I could have sworn the description said skeptic tank. I'd saved the paper with the original listing. As the incessant string of gloom continued to spew from all the drains and toilets, I ran to check the ad, just to see what else I might have missed. _Four bedrooms_. Okay, no problem there. _Masher bathroom_. Yikes. The sound of running water pushed me into action. I rushed to the bathroom and got my wife out of the tub just before it closed up on her.

"What's going on?" she asked.

"I think we'll be using the downstairs shower from now on," I told her.

"You'll slip and fall," the voice from the drain said. "Probably break your hip."

"Who is that?" she asked.

I explained about the tank, then showed her the add

She grabbed the paper from my hands and started reading. "No!" she gasped.

"What?" I asked. "There can't be more."

She pointed. I read. "That looks fine. There's nothing wrong with wall to wall carpet." I still didn't get it.

"Read it again," she said.

I did. Slowly and carefully. _Wall to wall crappet?_ I shook my head. "That has to be a typo. There's no such thing as a crappet." Even as I spoke, I realized that this carpet had always seemed a bit more spongy than most. I sniffed the air. "That smell is coming from the dairy, right?" I asked as my hopes sunk down to carpet level.

"Nope." She shook her head.

I reached for the phone. "Sell?" I asked my wife.

"Sell," she agreed.

"You'll never find a buyer," the voice from the kitchen said. "Nobody on this planet is as stupid as you."

Don't you just hate it when the skeptics are right?

## A Different Kind of Sneaker

Oops. Let's see if we can make sense of this. Reebok makes sneakers. As far as I can tell, they bring out two or three new brands each day. Brands need names. Usually, a sports hero is kind enough to allow his name to be used in return for a small cash consideration. Sometimes, for variety, and to save a couple of billion, the name is taken from a source that doesn't charge, such as the dictionary or the far reaches of an advertising executive's dim memories. Whatever the source, the latest Reebok sneaker for women was named Incubus. An incubus is a sneaker, too. A different kind of sneaker, unfortunately. An incubus is an evil spirit who sneaks into a woman's room and — to fall into euphemism — has his way with her.

Not exactly a sporting image. Definitely this resides on the dark side of the "just do it" philosophy. Perhaps the sneakers could be boxed with a set of Alberto DiSalvo laces. It would be easy to come up with dozens, or even hundreds of other sneaker names that would be in equally bad taste: Air Mansons, Chlamidia Cross-trainers, etc. And I'm sure that the moment this story hit the newswires, there were hundreds of folks doing just that. From Letterman top-ten lists to Leno monologues to internet humor groups, the tidal pull of this concept cannot be denied. Odds are, your very own email recently contained a description of a new form of sneaker licensed from China that binds feet the old fashioned way, or something cunning relating to tongues and other sneaker parts.

You yourself might have penned a list on a scratch pad just for fun, trying to best Reebok's ad men: Iron Maiden Warm-up Jackets, Torquemada Sweat Bands, Procrustean Pumps.

The possibilities are endless. It's so tempting. I'd love to write a piece making fun of it all, but it just seems like too much of a cheap shot. I think I'll step aside. Or go for a walk in my new Jezebel Joggers. Bye...

## Mark My Words

Friends, I need your help. There's a scourge spreading across this great land of ours. It's going to be tough to stop, but it can be done. Your presence on the reader side of this essay indicates more than a passing interest in the written word. That alone makes you an ideal candidate to join the effort. Look around — scan the pages of your local newspaper or take a walk through the nearest mall. Everywhere, from hand lettered signs to printed posters, you'll see unnecessary, meaningless, and just plain incorrect quotation marks.

In this last week I've seen dozens of examples, including the following:

**At the supermarket:** WE HAVE "FRESH" PEACHES

**At a video store:** RENT THREE MOVIES, GET ONE "FREE"

**At the Bakery:** ALL "PHONE" ORDERS MUST BE PICKED UP BY NOON

I couldn't resist a query at the supermarket.

**Me:** So, the peaches aren't really fresh?

**Fruit Guy:** Yeah, they're fresh. Didn't you read the sign? Got 'em in this morning.

**Me:** Sorry, I thought you were going for irony.

**Fruit Guy:** If you want iron, I'd suggest the spinach. It's fresh, too. (Points to a sign announcing: SPINACH IS A GOOD SOURCE OF "IRON" AND VITAMINS.)

I gave it another shot at the video store.

**Me:** Say, why did you put "free" in quotes?

Video Guy: What?

**Me:** There, in your sign. Why the quotes?

**Video Guy:** Well, why not?

**Me:** It's wrong.

Video Guy: So?

I realized my approach was too gentle. I tried a new technique at the bakery.

**Me:** Excuse me, Ma'am. I'm with the Quote Police. Did you know your sign contains a violation?

**Cake Lady:** It does? Oh gosh. Where?

**Me:** Right there. Unless you're using someone's exact words, highlighting a colloquial or archaic term, or striving for special emphasis, you really shouldn't use quotation marks.

**Cake Lady:** Golly, I'm sorry. I'll fix it right away. Here, have a free donut.

**Me:** Thanks. Hey, those maple bars look pretty good, too.

And thus was born the Quote Police. But I can't do it alone. Please join me. In true vigilante spirit, each member has full autonomy, and can make discretionary use of a wide arsenal of weapons, including sarcasm, pomposity, and pedantic excess. It's a rewarding and fun pastime. Still undecided? Think about this: Who better than the quote police to issue a citation? And you can quote me on that.

## How I Became a Buggy-Ride Joke Writer

I blame it all on Harrison Ford. Apparently _Witness,_ which was set in Pennsylvania's Amish region, was wildly popular in Belgium. When my wife's Belgian cousins Andre and Francine came to visit, they had only one request. "We want to see the Amish land, like in _Witness_." It's not a big trip from our home in Nazareth — just two hours if I drive, or an hour if my wife is behind the wheel. So off we went, taking them for a tour of Lancaster county, just as we had done for other cousins throughout the years. We're always tempted to tell our visitors that the rolling hills and cornfields of our destination look almost exactly like the rolling hills and cornfields where we live, but they're so eager to see Amish country that we never have the heart to spoil the mystique.

Since Andre and Francine had treated us to a carriage ride when we visited them in Belgium, we thought there would be wonderful symmetry if we treated them to a buggy ride. Somewhere between Bird in Hand and Paradise, the four of us squeezed into an authentic Amish buggy. The tour guide, Dan, a native of the area, answered our questions while Diamond, a retired race horse, pulled the buggy along the side of the road. When I noticed that the rubber on the right rear wheel was starting to wear off in long strips, I made a joke about flat tires. Dan, who'd probably heard the same comment at least ten times a day, told me he'd pull over so I could help change the wheel.

"I'll chew the gum and you stick it on," I said.

"Say that again," Dan asked, suddenly sounding very serious.

I repeated my comment, wondering whether I had offended him.

Dan laughed, then said, "That's a good line. Maybe I can use it. Give me some more. I need some good lines to tell the passengers."

Show time. Asking me to come up with jokes was like asking George Foreman to eat a hamburger. I was more than happy to give Dan some lines. But I couldn't work in a vacuum. "What kind of questions do you usually get?"

Dan responded right away. "They always want to know, 'How many accidents does a buggy get into?'"

That was easy. "Just one."

Dan liked that. "Give me more," he asked. "I need some more. They also ask me, 'Are you Amish?'"

That wasn't too hard, either. "No, but the horse is," I suggested. My internal censor, fed by fears of being politically incorrect, kicked in long enough to ask, "That's not offensive, is it?"

Dan shook his head. "No. Diamond won't mind."

As I gave him a few more answers for that question, I realized our whole relationship had changed. Dan and I had made the leap from guide and tourist to creative collaborators.

We approached the last stretch of the ride. Dan pulled on the reins. "Slow down, Diamond. We need more material." Our one-horsepower engine dropped to a leisurely pace.

Dan waved to an Amish gentleman walking along the side of the road. "How do the Amish feel about the buggy rides?" I asked, ready to take a break from comic brainstorming.

"Ah! Another popular question," Dan said. He pulled on the reins again. Diamond was hovering somewhere between neutral and reverse. "Give me some good lines to answer it."

Yikes. This was getting tough. I'd become a captive of my audience. I rattled off the first idea that came to mind. "They can't believe anybody would pay so much money for such a bumpy ride."

"Not bad."

Even with Diamond reduced to the equine equivalent of a crawl, the trip was almost over. I realized I'd been monopolizing the conversation with our guide. Dan looked at the other riders. "Do the Belgians have any questions?" he asked.

Andre, who has a wonderful knack for comic timing, spoke three words that broke us up. "Are you Amish?"

We were back at the start of the ride, now, and laughing so much that people were staring at us. Figuring that Dan could use a good line to finish the tour, I pointed toward the front opening of the carriage. "That's the end of the horse, and this is the end of the ride. It's been a pleasure to drive you buggy."

I'd had a great time, but I could feel that inevitable dry spell that strikes when one mines the humor vein too heavily. However, since the ride was over, I figured I was off the hook. Not quite.

"This is where I tie up the horse," Dan explained. "You have to stay inside until I finish. But a lot of people don't understand what I mean when I say 'tie up the horse.' Give me a good line."

I suggested something lame. My creative juices were spent. Dan waited for me to do better. I hated to let him down. Even worse, I'd broken one of the cardinal rules of comedy: always leave them wanting more.

My wife, bless her, said, "Please stay seated while I park the horse and set the brake." Obviously, she thinks as fast as she drives.

Dan loved it.

After Dan had parked the horse and set the brake, we climbed out of the buggy. I started to step out face first, but realized it would be safer to go backwards.

"A lot of people make that mistake," Dan said.

I knew what was coming. He was going to ask for a line. I dug deep and found one more. "Tell them, 'This is your last chance to back out of the buggy ride.'"

Diamond snickered.

We thanked Dan for the wonderful time, then headed off to our car, taking memories of a unique tour through a scenic land, and learning once again that humor is one of the true universal languages. As to whether Dan is Amish, you'll have to ask him. He'll have an answer for you. No joke. Well, maybe a little joke, but a tasteful one.

## How to Make Beer at Home

Any idiot can make beer at home. Even if you aren't an idiot, there's no problem. You can make the beer, then drink it and become an idiot. But I'm wandering from the topic. Let's make beer.

Ingredients

You'll need malt extract. It comes in two forms. Liquid extract is sticky, easily scorched, and packaged in inconvenient 3.3 lb. cans. Dry extract is fine as long as you never open the package. The moment it's exposed to air, it sucks up all moisture within a distance of five miles and forms into thick clumps that are almost as sticky as liquid extract. Most brewers have a hard time deciding which is worse, so they use a combination of the two.

You'll also need hops. Once you've selected your preferred variety, you need to make a simple calculation to achieve the proper degree of bitterness in your beer. Take you your age, multiply it by the number of taste buds in one square inch of your tongue, add the current temperature of your kitchen (in degrees Kelvin) and square the result. Divide this total by the number of beers you drank during the last Superbowl. Or toss in a handful and hope for the best.

Last but not yeast, you'll need least. Oops, 'scuze me. You know what I mean. Dry yeast comes in a convenient package containing a pure strain of brewing yeast pre-mixed at the factory with various unwanted bacteria that might ruin your beer. Liquid yeast comes sealed in a special pouch, allowing it to remain pure until you open it at home and expose it to all sorts of unwanted bacteria, thus giving your beer a personal touch. The choice is yours.

Equipment

You'll need a fermenter. There are two kinds. Plastic is light, inexpensive, and subject to scratches that will harbor bacteria that might ruin your beer. Glass is scratchproof but has an amazing tendency to slip from your hands and shatter. You'll also need a thermometer and a strainer. The strainer is optional, but comes in very handy when you're trying to fish the broken pieces of the thermometer out of the kettle.

Oh yeah, that reminds me. You'll need a kettle. The standard ten-gallon stainless steel model found in most kitchens is ideal. If you can't find yours, just get a quarter keg from your local beer distributor and saw off the top. You might also want to weld on handles while you're at it. (Be sure to wear safety goggles.)

That's pretty much all you'll need except for some siphoning hose, a hydrometer, a bottle capper, a bottle brush, a bottle filler, bottle caps, bottle labels, bottle-drying rack, bottle washer, bottlenose dolphins, bottle rockets, and a couple of boxes to hold all the bottles.

Process

Okay. Here comes the easy part. Boil some water. Add the malt. Turn away for an instant. Now look back. Surprise — the pot has boiled over, covering the stove and most of the kitchen floor with a material that hardens to an amazing finish while remaining sticky enough to trap flies and small animals. Don't forget to toss in the hops. And add the yeast. Oops. No. Wait. Don't put the yeast in boiling water. Yikes. Sorry about that. Bad move.

Anyhow, boil the stuff for an hour. Then cool it down. From this point on, avoid exposing the beer to sunlight unless you are trying to imitate the mephitistic bouquet of Heineken or Corona. Put the beer in the fermenter. Add the other pack of yeast you were smart enough to buy. Now put the fermenter in a room that will stay at exactly 68 degrees, or at least somewhere between 40 and 85. Wait a while.

After a brief period of anywhere from five to ninety days, the airlock will stop bubbling. Airlock? Oh jeez, did I forget to mention that part? Sorry. Well, anyhow, once everything stops bubbling, it's time to bottle or keg your beer. Bottling is inexpensive and incredibly tedious. Kegging, on the other hand, is expensive but never boring when one contemplates the possible disasters that could occur in the presence of a cylinder containing carbon dioxide at a pressure of 3,000 pounds per square inch. The choice is yours.

Let's assume you've chosen to bottle your first batch. Might as well, since you have all that equipment. (By the way, I was kidding about the dolphin, so please let him go.) Bottling is simple and virtually foolproof. First, prepare a priming solution with 3/4 cup of corn sugar and 2 cups of water. Be sure to boil the water to avoid the risk of introducing any bacteria that might ruin your beer. Hey, what was that? I thought I heard something explode. Sounded like it came from the basement. There goes another one. Oh drat, it sounds like they're all going. Start without me. Just put the beer in the bottles and crimp on the caps. No worries.

Hi. I'm back. Got it all bottled? Good. Now set it aside for a week or two. Downstairs would be good. Away from children and pets. You might, just to be on the safe side, want to put the bottles inside plastic bags and maybe put those bags behind something sturdy like several inches of Kevlar or some old cast-iron appliances.

Well, that's all there is to it. Congratulations on making your first batch. I can guarantee it's going to be like nothing you've ever tasted before. Cheers.

[Disclaimer — the author wants those hundreds of bottles of homebrew in his basement to understand that he is not laughing at them, he is laughing with them. If he didn't love them, he wouldn't kid them. Honest.]

## A Raven Fanatic

I'm not sure when I first heard the news, but I know that the moment I found out, I was hooked. Finally, there's a football team I can root for with all my heart and soul. On the face of it, it might not seem like a big deal. The Cleveland Browns have moved to Baltimore. Bad news for Cleveland, I guess, and good news for Baltimore. Sort of neutral for the rest of the country. But the team did more than just move. They also changed their name. Not just the Cleveland part, but the Browns part, too. They're now called the Ravens. In honor of Poe, who lived for time in Baltimore. (He also lived in Boston, New York, Richmond, and Philadelphia, but who's counting?)

Think about it — a team named after a poem. But not just any poem. This poem was written by the man who invented the detective story, the man who gave us tales of such horror that they've become classics in the genre.

The Ravens won their first game this season. They lost their second game. But I'm a loyal fan. I won't desert them. But I'm hoping that they won't stop with just the name change. There is so much more potential if they stick with the Poe theme. So, as the number one fan of the Ravens, I'd like to suggest that they adopt the following ideas:

Forget about a digital time display on the scoreboard. Use a huge clock with a pendulum. For extra excitement, install a pendulum over each end zone.

Play all games at night. Maybe without lights.

Instead of dumping Gatorade on the coach when they win, how about a nice cask of Amontillado?

Needless to say, all horns and whistles should be replaced with bells.

Run some great trick plays with surprise endings. There should definitely be a fourth-and-inches quarterback-dive play called the "Hop Frog." Maybe something involving a masked ball, or perhaps the mask of the dead ref. Definitely a defense that buries the ball carrier. I'll leave the details to the experts.

Every player should grow a little black mustache.

And, just to make the whole thing absolutely perfect, the stadium needs ushers. Lots of ushers.

That's it. Just a few modest suggestions. Whether they listen to me or not, I'll always be their biggest fan. I root for them every Sunday. I feel great when they win. And someday, if there's nothing else to do, I might even watch a game.

## They Shoot Pigeons, Don't They?

On the front page of my morning paper, right below the story about escalating tensions in Iraq and the latest on the election campaign, was this major piece of news — Alec Baldwin is boycotting Pennsylvania. Yup. That multi-talented star of films such as, uh, you know, the one where he plays the Tom Clancy lead guy role instead of Harrison Ford, and the one with all the dead guys on the ship in LA. Wait, no, that was the other Baldwin. Anyhow, Alec Baldwin has informed Governor Ridge that he will not make any films in Pennsylvania until the state bans the annual Heggins Labor Day pigeon shoot. Mister Baldwin is not alone in this move. The threat was also leveled by a flock of others, including Alicia Silverstone, Dennis Leary, and screenwriter Barry Morrow.

A word of explanation for those of you who haven't been following this particular slice of Americana. Each year, folks with shotguns pay money to fire away at pigeons as they're set free from crates. The event has caused a wee bit of friction between the participants and members of animal-rights groups. While I would never dream of sullying my role as an irreverent purveyor of humor by actually taking either side in this issue, my mind reels with the possibilities that arise from this news. (For the record, I have never shot a pigeon. Nor have I made a film in Pennsylvania.) I'm too stunned to produce more than a sketchy list, but consider the following:

If every state started holding pigeon shoots, there would be no more Alec Baldwin movies. This definitely falls into the ethical arena covered by the concept of the lesser of two evils.

Given how much of her performance is wardrobe based, and given the typical weather in Pennsylvania, it is unlikely Ms. Silverstone would ever ply her trade in these here parts.

Governor Ridge was asked to intercede on behalf of Mumia Abu Jamal, whose cause has become popular with folks in Hollywood. He declined. Does anyone really think he's going to give a reprieve to pigeons?

Jean Claude Vam Damme is currently making a movie in Pennsylvania. I can't wait to see who's going to tell him he shouldn't finish it. Maybe Mr. Baldwin can get Harrison Ford to help him out.

Michael Keaton is also making a film in Pennsylvania. He might not be as tough as Van Damme, but he probably kept some of the neater Batman weapons. I wouldn't mess with him.

And one final thought: someone is going to make a movie about all of this. Guess where it will be shot?

## Atlanta Olympics Round-Up

Well, the Olympics are over, and all of the gold medals have been awarded. Now it's time for the real awards. Here goes:

The Redundant-and-Repetitive Tautology Award goes to John Tesh for telling us that Dominique Moceanu wrote "her own autobiography."

The It-Sure-Sounded-Right-to-Me Award also goes to John Tesh, for believing that "histrionic" has anything to do with the past.

The Who-Needs-Math-Skills-When-You-Can-Play-the-Synthesizer? Award goes to, yup, John Tesh, for pointing out that the athlete who got a silver medal with a score of 9.825, versus the winner's score of 9.837, had lost the gold by "less than one hundredth of a point."

To honor this trio of awards, we're sending John a dictionary and a calculator.

The Now-You-See-It Now-You-Don't Award goes to NBC for giving viewers a stunning grand total of about eighty-five seconds worth of softball coverage.

The Now-You-See-Her Now-You-Still-See-Her Now-You-See-Her-Again Award goes to Janet Evans for being on screen more than the peacock.

The Who-Cares? They're-All-Millionaires Award goes to Olympic tennis players in general, and the bad sports in particular.

The We-Can-Dream-Too Award goes to the Dream Team for playing such limp basketball that even we 5' 8" couch dwellers have started fantasizing about getting on the court and putting some excitement back into shooting hoops.

The It-Clashes-With-My-Eyes Award goes to Vitaly Scherbo, who took off his medal because he didn't like the color.

The Well-Everyone-Else-Was-Doing-It Award goes to all the spectators who took flash photographs when they were asked not to. These are the same people who, when they aren't at the Olympics, are talking in movie theaters or cutting into ride lines at Disneyworld.

The Catch-Me-If-You-Can Award goes to all the Chinese divers who managed to do double bounces without any penalty.

The Huh?-What?-Where? Award goes to all the diving judges who didn't see the double bounces.

[Note — the above piece was submitted to AOL's short-lived humor feature, AOL Delights, to which I was a regular contributor. The editor, John Scalzi, suggested that instead of a broad piece, he'd like to solicit contributions from all the regular writers on ways to punish John Tesh for his coverage. What follows are the ideas I sent in response.]

Ways to punish John Tesh for his Olympic coverage:

Make him memorize the dictionary. The *unabridged* dictionary. Yup, every single darn word. Then make him write an essay using all those words. Five hundred pages — single spaced. Spelling counts. The topic of the essay should be chosen from the following list: "My responsibility as a Public Figure," "The English Language — Love it or Leave It," "I am but a Small Speck in a Large Universe," or "How I Scammed the World and Almost Got Away with It."

Turn him over to Bela Karolyi for training. Bela will put him through ten hours a day of exhausting exercises and make him throw up after every meal. Eventually, when his weight drops to seventy pounds and his voice rises to the point where he sounds like he's been sucking helium, he'll be allowed to rejoin polite society.

Tell him that the gymnastic events for the next Summer Olympics have been moved to Svalbard, a charming island just slightly to the north of Norway. Give him a plane ticket and instructions to get there right away and start preparing. As a humanitarian gesture, warn him that Svalbard might get a little chilly in the evening.

Give him a pair of oven mitts and make him put out the Olympic torch all by himself.

Make him listen to the Entertainment Tonight theme for eight straight hours, played by 100 beginning accordion students.

Make him read every New Age book that's ever been written. Or better yet, lock him in a room and get Shirley MacLaine to read the books to him.

Ban him from sports casting and restrict him to doing infomercials for products that cure embarrassing problems.

## Why I Don't Share Homebrew

It's natural to want to share a hobby. Back when I was deeply addicted to fishing, I'd often drop a trout off for a neighbor who loved fresh fish. I took lots of local kids on their first trip. Then I started brewing. And I thought I could still share (though not with the local kids). What better hobby to bring joy to ones friends and neighbors? But I quickly learned my lesson. Perhaps others can profit from my mistakes.

Mistake 1: Taking it out

The first clue that I was up against more than I'd counted on came when I took a selection of homebrew to a cookout. "Look what I brought for you," I told the host, handing him a quart bottle filled with my best pale ale. I grinned and waited for him to shower me with praise for my brewing skill.

"What's that on the bottom?" he asked. He pointed to the settled yeast, then gave the bottle a shake. "Look there. You've got something on the bottom. See it? There's some kind of stuff." He gave it another hard shake, then put the armed grenade close to his face.

I'm a coward. I leaped behind a bush first, then screamed, "Put it in the freezer! Cool it down. Hurry." To be honest, I've never had a bottle explode, and the rational side of me suspects that agitation doesn't cause a change in pressure. But the image of him shaking that quart of brew still rises up to haunt me during sleepless nights.

Even folks who liked the beer I brought looked at me strangely when I spent all my time following them so I could grab each bottle the moment it was empty. Can't be too rigorous about rinsing, after all.

I learned my lesson. I still bring a bottle when I'm invited to a neighbor's house. I just don't share it.

Mistake 2: Giving it away

Once I'd gotten to the point where I felt my homebrew tasted better than anything I could buy in a store (roughly a week before I bottled my first batch), I knew I had to spread the message. As soon as I had bottles available, I started giving them to friends and acquaintances. I couldn't wait for their reaction.

As it turned out, I had to wait. Typical example: a week after giving a friend a bottle of beer, I'd ask him, "How'd you like that brown ale? I think the quarter cup of molasses really balanced out the darker grains."

"I didn't drink it yet," he said.

"What?" I couldn't imagine letting a bottle of homebrew survive untasted for more than five or six minutes. "You didn't try it?"

"I was saving it for a special occasion."

Sigh. That's all I heard. One neighbor didn't have a special occasion for six months. Are people's lives really that devoid of reasons to celebrate? I gave my neighbor a second bottle so he could drink the first. He ended up saving both of them.

I finally figured this one out. When I give someone a beer, I tell him, "Listen, I had a little trouble when I bottled, and the beer got oxygenated. It'll taste fine now, but it'll go bad very soon. Make sure you drink it right away."

"Okay. I'll drink it tonight."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

They always forget. Then they don't drink it because they're sure it must have gone bad.

Mistake 3: Serving it at home

Given that it's called _home_ brew, what better place to serve it than in one's own castle? With that in mind, I've had folks over for tastings. I usually start light, with a wheat beer or some lawnmower brew, and then move up through ambers, browns, triples, and barley wine. At least, that's always the plan when I begin pulling bottles from the cellar. Unfortunately, the tasters seem to prefer that I start with my lightest brews and then moved in even lighter directions.

"Got any lagers?" one guest asked after we'd moved to the ambers.

For an instant, I felt encouraged. Here was someone who knew about different yeast strains. That was something we could discuss all evening. "Well, I don't have a dedicated fridge," I explained, "so I've been sticking to ales for the moment. I am planning to brew up a California common style next month. It's really interesting. Even though the yeast performs best at a temperature of —"

"Lagers," he said again. "Bud, Coors, you know."

Sigh. "Yeah," I told him, remembering some cans that had been in the basement for a couple of years. "But it's cellar temperature. Is that a problem?"

"Nope. That'll be fine," he said. One sip later, I was informed, "Hey, this beer is warm."

"Hang on." I ran it through my wort chiller.

Mistake 4: letting people know

If I were a baker, would people bring me bread? If I were a carpenter, would people bring me tables? Probably not. But every dinner guest arrives at my house with a brown bag in hand and a huge grin. "I hear you like exotic beers," the most recent visitor said.

"Well, uh, I like quality beer."

"Here," he said, handing me the bag. "I got you something really special."

"Thanks." I looked into the bag. "Hey, Guinness. Great." I take the six pack of stout and put it in the basement with all the other packs of Guinness. Don't get me wrong. I like the stuff. But every single person who comes brings me Guinness. They all must stop at the same place and ask for something unusual.

I've got my own private Ireland downstairs. Maybe I should talk to the guy at the liquor store and ask him to get in some Traquiar House or one of my favorites like Celis White or Affligem Tripel. On second thought — not Affligem. It has yeast on the bottom. You know it's going to get shaken the moment they pull it out of the bag.

## Films of Future Past

In the grand Hollywood tradition of hopping on the bandwagon and riding the latest trend into a sound-stage sunset, just about every major studio is making movies based on old television shows. With The _Fugitive, Mission Impossible_ , and _The Little Rascals_ out of the way, a casual observer might suspect that all the good shows have been done.

Leave it to Hollywood to pick the bones and find more meat where normal humans don't see any turkey at all. Our team of insiders has leaked news of several films scheduled for release next year.

At the top of the list, Oliver Stone takes _To Tell the Truth_ to the big screen. In his version, everyone lies and is glad to admit it.

On a more visceral note, Quentin Tarantino is currently shooting _Good Night, David; Good Night, Chet_ , a thriller loosely based on the popular _Huntley-Brinkley Report_ and involving more explosions and shrapnel than the original version. Antonio Banderas has been cast as newsman Chet Huntley. Cher is rumored to be campaigning for the juicy David Brinkley role.

Irwin Allen is already over budget on _Circle Gets the Square_ , a disaster flick covering the dramatic rescue of nine celebrities trapped by an electrical short in a huge tic-tac-toe board. Shelly Winters plays herself.

Jaleel White, in a departure from his Steve Urkel character, has been hired to star in an updated version of _Mister Peepers_. In a minor revision of the original show, the character has been changed from a mild-mannered high school science teacher to a nerdy high school science student.

American directors don't have a monopoly on the use of television. Keep an eye out for Francois Truffaut. His latest opus, _Test Pattern_ , is scheduled for release in art houses and college campuses next fall.

One final note — there is no truth to the rumor that Bill Clinton is considering taking the title role in _Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C._

## Thanks for the Memories

My wife and I took our ten-year-old daughter to Europe last summer. The other day, as I was thinking about the trip and congratulating myself for giving my flesh and blood such a wonderful experience, I had a realization that wiped away the smug glow of parental accomplishment as rapidly as a slippery floor can wipe out a dance recital. By the time she's my age, my daughter probably won't remember a single important thing about the trip. I know this for a fact. For proof, all I have to do is try to recall my own childhood.

I can't even remember being ten. Perhaps thirty-two intervening years can be expected to add a bit of haze to the memories, but it seems more like someone hit the DELETE button. The important things are gone. I know someone must have taught me to read and write, but gazing back, I can't remember any of my elementary school teachers. On the other hand, I'll never forget the kid who sat next to me in second grade and began every day by sneezing in my direction. His name was Alexander.

Family memories are equally hazy. I suspect my parents took me on a vacation every summer. But all I remember about our trip to Atlantic City was a bad sunburn. I know there's an ocean there, but I can't say whether I ever dipped a toe in it. All I remember about Colonial Williamsburg was that the motel had one of those neat bug zappers in the parking lot. As for our trip to Washington DC, I remember that the hotel had very old plumbing with visible pipes running all over the place.

This is the stuff of which memories are made. My daughter went to the top of the Eiffel Tower and spent a day in the Louvre. I suspect she'll remember that the French take their dogs into restaurants. She rode a canal boat in Bruges. But she also saw a man with his nose pierced. Guess which memory will stay with her? She saw Michelangelo's statue of David in Florence. That same day, she stepped in gum on the sidewalk. I know Michelangelo won't stick in her memory.

No more expensive trips for us. I've learned my lesson. Next year, I think we'll take her to Washington DC. I hope that old hotel is still there — I really want to show her the neat plumbing. And maybe we can even swing down to Williamsburg and watch the bugs get zapped.

## Oy Fay!

One dozen reasons why being Jewish is almost exactly like being gay:

1. You're born that way.

2. No amount of prayer by others will change reason #1

3. Even many people who like you as an individual don't like "people like you."

4. You have at least one friend who really knows his diamonds.

5. You feel much safer at midnight in Times Square than at noon in any part of Alabama.

6. You'll frequently hear slurs during conversations with casual acquaintances who are unaware that you're "one of them."

7. It's a capital offense in many Middle-eastern and African countries.

8. You probably have tickets for the ballet/opera/symphony, or at least a nice tote bag from your local PBS station.

9. It can take hours to dress for holidays and other special occasions.

10. Your people have contributed far more to science, the arts, and humanity than have those who hate you.

11. Most folks don't understand your attitude toward eating pork.

12. You've mastered the art of channeling your pain into comedy.

## Flaccid Flashbacks

In case you haven't noticed, the sixties are back. Bell bottoms and granny glasses are in. Kids, their eyes wide with wonder, root through attics for hippy garb and relics of the days of flower power. But there's no need for today's generation to go retro — they have their own versions now of everything that was cool back then. Dig this....

The free-love crowd had Tiny Tim, a one-of-a-kind entertainer who sang in an unbearably shrill falsetto, sported long, unwashed hair, and played the ukulele. Today's kids have just about the same thing, but her name's Alanis Morrissette. To be fair, she's not yet been seen with a ukulele.

The hippies had LSD, an illegal drug that produced colorful visions, distorted sounds, and frequently created the sensation that reality was slowing down to a crawl. Today, a kid can get the same effect by running a CD ROM on a 386 PC.

Back then, the groovy crowd was reading Abbey Hoffman's _Steal this Book_ , a manifesto that claimed it was okay to take whatever you wanted as long as you didn't get caught. Today, the identical approach is called "modern management theory."

In the sixties, anyone with a secondhand printing press could spread his vision around the neighborhood. Thousands of badly-printed counterculture newspapers carried rantings from the political fringes, idiosyncratic messages, incoherent prose, and self-absorbed posturing. Nowadays, anyone with a computer and a modem can do the same thing, but it's called a web site.

Performance artists came of age during this period, trying to push the limits of art and often crossing beyond the borders of taste and decency. They delighted in shocking their audience, and scored points by being tasteless and vulgar. A typical performance piece in the sixties might have lasted hours or even days. The current version only takes sixty seconds. It's a Calvin Klein add

Hair was everything back then. Just about every out-of-sight guy let it grow and gathered his flowing locks in a pony tail. In the nineties, these same guys have returned to a more sedate, shorter version of the pony tail, right below the bald spot.

There's a comforting sense of nostalgia in all of this. It's nice to see peace symbols and tie-dyed tee shirts. It's great to hear the music and smell the incense. But there's one lurking horror that drains the pleasure from it all. If things stay on schedule, we only have twenty years or so before the return of the yuppies. And that's a bummer.

## Our Haunted House

Dingggg Donngggg....

"Trick or treat!"

"My, my, don't you all look adorable. A cowboy. And a ballerina. And, hmmm, what are you?"

"I'm a mushroom."

"Ah, I see. Very nice. You all look wonderful. I've got candy for each of you. But first, how about a tour of our special haunted house?"

"Is it skeery, Mister?"

"Oh gosh, maybe just a little bit. It wouldn't be Halloween without a shiver or two. But it's nothing you youngsters can't handle. Follow me. Watch your step — it's a little dark. Here we are. If you look to your left, you'll see Doctor Frankenstein in his laboratory."

"What's he doing?"

"He's sewing together a person with parts he stole from lots of different graves."

"Awww, that's not scary. That's just gross."

"Yeah, this isn't spooky at all."

"But consider this, my young guests. Since all those pieces came from people who died, the parts lost their medical coverage. And Doctor Frankenstein has refused to join an HMO. Worse, he's planning to make a referral to a specialist. Hahahahahaha!"

"Eeeeek! Let's get out of here."

"Step this way. Our next chamber of horrors features The Phantom of the Opera. Beware of this ghastly terror, my tender young guests."

"Shucks, it's just a guy with a mask."

"Yeah, this is pretty lame."

"I ain't skeered."

"Ah, don't be so quick to judge. Step closer. Yes, closer. A bit more. Now, lean forward and listen carefully."

"LA DONNA E MOBILE, LA DONNA—"

"Ahhhgggg. Make him stop!"

"My ears are bleeding!"

"That's horrible!"

"Follow me quickly before he switches to Wagner. Hurry. What's this ahead of us? No. It can't be... We must have made a wrong turn. Is there no escape?"

"Grrrrrr. Awoooooooooo!"

"Awwww, that's just a wolfman. I saw the movie. Boring."

"Yeah, what's the big deal?"

"Stay back, I tell you. He's only a wolf when the moon is full. And look, the moon is setting. He's changing. It's too late. There's no hope. We're doomed."

"But he's just turning into a guy with a suit. I'm not afraid."

"Snarrllll. Growwllll. Annuity. Grrrrr. Double indemnity. Grrrrr. Variable life. Think about your loved ones..."

"Run for your lives! He's going to try to sell us insurance."

"Actuarial tables indicate that an individual in your demographic and age group has a seven-point-five percent chance of suffering a disabling accident."

"Mommy!"

"I'm out of here!"

"AAhhhhhhhh!"

"Hey kids. Wait. Come back. You forgot your candy."

Dingggg Donngggg.

## Quick and Easy Costumes

Holidays have a way of creeping up on us. If you shop for presents on Christmas eve, defrost the Thanksgiving turkey Thursday morning, and try to buy beer for the picnic on Labor Day itself, the odds are you haven't gotten Halloween costumes for the kids yet. Forget about buying anything. By now, all that's left in the stores are Peewee Herman masks and some very dusty Eewok costumes. Don't despair — it's extremely easy to whip up a costume in just a few minutes. Here are some ideas for the little trick-or-treaters:

Cut a circle out of an old piece of carpet. Bright yellow is best, but green or red are also just fine. Glue it to the top of your kid's head. Give him a basketball and a tee shirt. Voila — he's Dennis Rodman.

Everyone knows how to make a bunch of grapes from purple balloons. But if you don't have purple on hand, there's still hope. Use orange balloons to make salmon roe, green or blue for bread mold, and clear for bubble pack. If you go with the clear balloons, here's a nice touch — throw a couple of pieces of packing tape around the kid. Make sure that instead of saying, "Trick or treat," he shouts, "UPS." For an extra authenticity, tell him to run away from the door before anyone can answer the bell.

If you're really in a time crunch, feed the kids spaghetti for dinner and don't let them use napkins. Just like that, you've made them into vampires. Or try fettuccine Alfredo for that ghostly look. Creamed spinach can be the basis for a terrific Swamp Thing mask.

Lastly, here's an idea for those of you living in areas where the developers didn't completely bulldoze the landscape. Spread a little glue on the kids' clothes, then let them roll in fallen leaves for an instant tree costume.

## Costume Foolery

Happy Halloween. Here are some guidelines to help make this a safe and sane holiday.

COSTUMES

The days of blithely costuming a child in just any outfit are gone. This is the age of politeness and sensitivity. School boards, town governors, and other protectors of all that is good and wholesome are advising parents to avoid any costumes that might encourage improper attitudes. Please make sure your children follow these guidelines.

Unacceptable costumes:

Witch — encourages belief in the supernatural and enforces stereotypes. Might frighten small children.

Werewolf — reinforces misconceptions about man's second best friend.

Mummy — encourages excessive use of bandages. Discourages holistic approach to wellness in favor of topical stopgap measures.

Devil — don't even think about it...

Old man — treats aging without dignity. Might scare small children.

Hobo — makes light of the homeless situation and promotes addiction to cigar stubs.

Princess — encourages gender stereotyping.

Convict — Creates lack of compassion and encourages concepts of incarceration over rehabilitation.

Kitty Cat — displays lack of understanding toward those outside our species.

Astronaut — encourages children to aspire toward unreachable goals.

Yoda — lets the world know that the poor kid's parents are hopelessly trapped in the seventies.

Fairy Godmother — fosters belief that one needn't work to achieve success.

Acceptable costumes:

Child with clean shirt and pants

Civil liberties lawyer

Special prosecutor

IRS field agent

TREATS

Unacceptable treats:

Candy — rots teeth and provides empty calories

Pencils — might be used to write improper thoughts

Fruit — might be thrown at incompetent thespians

Money — might be used to purchase candy, pencils, or fruit

Acceptable treats:

Whole grains

Fresh flowers

Unflavored gelatin

TRICKS

Unacceptable tricks:

Soaping windows

Covering trees with toilet paper

Blowing things up

Acceptable tricks:

Pick a card, any card. No, don't show it to me, but remember it. Okay, now place it back in the deck. Two of clubs, right? uh, seven of hearts? Ace of diamonds...

Hey — have a great time, and let's keep it safe for the little ones.

## Pro and Con Grads

The best things about graduating from high school:

You'll never ever be tested again on all the stuff you've already forgotten.

You get this cool robe you can wear around the pool all summer.

It's a great excuse for a party. Or two. Or ten.

Nearly anywhere outside of high school, the cafeterias are better.

From this day on, you'll never ever have to wear a hat that looks this dorky.

And the worst things about graduating:

Most jobs get out a lot later each day than school did.

You get to hear over and over all about how this is just the BEGINNING of your journey through life.

In the real world, it's a lot harder to find people who'll give you their lunch money.

Nearly anywhere outside of high school, the cafeterias are more expensive.

Right at this moment, relatives you haven't seen in fifteen years are gathering in large quantities at your house, waiting to pinch your cheek and blow smoke in your face while they tell you how much easier it is to be a kid these days.

After you've spent 4 years answering a zillion questions, Regis didn't show up and give you any money.

## There's No Place Like Genome

With the Human Genome Project making steady progress and many of its finding making headlines, this seems like a good time to issue an update. For those of you who missed the latest issue of Gene Enthusiast, here's a quick splice of background information: the HGP is in the process of identifying every gene in human chromosomes. Site by site, with the painful progress of a termite chewing through marble, scientists are working their way along the double helix of information that makes us everything we never wanted to be.

Along with the genes responsible for hundreds of diseases, scientists have already uncovered the little culprits promoting such traits as obesity, migraine headaches, and anxiety. If you're worried so much about being overweight that it's making your head hurt — relax, none of it is your fault. Oops. Sorry. You can't relax. You're just not made that way. As they say in the gene joints, "It's not your fault, it's your fate."

So sit back, have a Twinkie, and catch up with the march of science. Here are some highlights of the latest findings:

**Gene 8372295** — nicknamed "the tapping gene," by the research crew, this gene carries the finger-tapping trait, and also works in conjunction with several other tap-related genes to increase the likelihood that the carrier will at all times be tapping some part of his body or some hand-held object in a rhythmic fashion. If this gene is present with 84433092 ("the humming gene"), it has a long-term negative impact on the individual's survival potential.

**Gene 88322092** — the "deniable disability gene," most often associated with gradual hearing loss in elderly in-laws, creates a condition apparent to everyone except the carrier. In its strongest form, it allows a person to become completely deaf while vigorously denying he needs a hearing aid. In milder manifestations, it produces the illusory belief that large, shiny patches of visible scalp are not a sign of impending baldness.

**Gene 73332130** — the rare and recessive "origami gene," when present, enhances paper-folding skills, allowing the carrier to restore opened maps and newspapers to their original condition. It is mutually exclusive with the following gene:

**Gene 53450934** — the "navigational delusion gene" is sex linked, carried only by males, and functions by creating a numbness in the inner ear. This produces a sensation of always being headed the right way, coupled with a survival-level resistance to ever stopping and asking for directions. Unfortunately, the team that first located this gene has been unable to find it again, though they insist they know where it is.

**Gene 933480123** — known as "Gene Wilder." Wait, that's not a gene, it's a whole person. Sorry, got a copy of People mixed up with my genetics magazines.

**Gene 33238439** — the "um...like...you-know gene," though obviously carried from birth, often manifests itself most strongly during adolescence, causing the carrier to interject frequent verbal tics in even the simplest utterances. Those unable to lose the affliction seem to migrate toward employment in the telemarketing field or positions as order takers at drive-through restaurants.

**Gene 1254890342** — the "nostalgic humor gene" allows the carrier to believe that Woody Allen still makes funny movies.

**Gene 93248097** — the "Calvin's gene" causes serious growth disorders, frequently keeping the carrier in a perpetual pre-pubescent stage characterized by extreme postures and facial expressions of either total blankness or sneering disdain.

**Gene 99432783** — the "creamy ranch gene," another sex linked trait, allows mature females to spot various glass containers that are virtually invisible to males when viewed against the confusing visual environment of the average refrigerator. In a typical example of nature both giving an taking, this visual acuity is balanced by an inability to detect the odor of a car engine in need of oil.

**Gene 55324978** — the "yikes, I'm doomed gene" enables freelance humor writers to mindlessly perpetuate gender stereotypes, usually of the sort involving automobiles, thus alienating a large audience of readers and creating an avalanche of hate mail.

**Gene 0324585** — not yet named, but believed to be responsible for Yanni-Tesh-Kitaro syndrome. This gene governs the ability to produce a string of notes, each of which bears absolutely no melodic relationship to any note which precedes or follows it, but which also lacks sufficient dissonance to produce an interesting or disturbing effect.

**Gene 80856652** — this "ridiculous trappings gene" represents a startling discovery. Though sex-linked and race-linked genes are not unusual, this is the first case of a location-linked gene. Carriers are only affected if they reside in certain geographic regions, and each region manifests different symptoms. To cite the two most loathsome examples, carriers of this gene who reside in Paris are compelled to bring small dogs to restaurants, while those with the same gene who live in Green Bay find themselves driven to wear cheese-wedge headwear at football games.

In a less severe version, though stunning for its pervasiveness, scientists believe that the entire population of Los Angeles carries the gene, thus explaining their inability to operate a motor vehicle without clutching a cellular phone in one hand.

Well, those are the highlights of the current discoveries. The work continues, the search goes on. Hopes are high that causes and cures will soon be found for all of life's ills, including excessive nose hair, the chronic urge to finish other people's sentences, and an insatiable appetite for commemorative collector plates. We'll keep you posted.

## Micro-Brew Update

In a move that harkens back to the days before prohibition, small breweries and brewpubs are appearing across the country faster than you can say "Bohemian Pilsner." Here's a rundown of some of the newest entries.

Samuel Addams Family Brewpub

This four-tap pub is scheduled to open next month, assuming they can clear up a minor legal dispute with the Boston Brewing Company. In an unusual departure from brewpub traditions, they will only serve extremely dark beers. Their offerings will include Dark as a Dungeon Porter (a heavy brew with an earth finish reminiscent of dank soil), Six Spider Stout (which our reviewer found to be somewhat sticky), Nuthouse Brown Ale (extremely frothy in the mouth), and Morticia Modelo (a sensuous brew with a hint of French hops).

Curs Brewing Company

Started by two former dog breeders, this micro brewery has introduced three varieties to the regional market. Of the three, their Curs Golden (the one with the fire hydrant on the label) seems to have the most body and brightest color.

Lambics R Us

Opened last year by a group of fraternity brothers who read an article about brewing with wild yeast and windborne bacteria, the beers from Lambics R Us were originally bottled. After the first five batches exploded before they could even be shipped to stores, the brewery switched from glass to titanium. There have been no further problems, though it should be pointed out that the consumer does need power tools or a torch to remove the cap. Their beers include Spat-in Munchen, Ooze (a local variant of Gueuze), Phlegmish Brown, and Loogie Lager. As soon as we can find someone who will actually taste the beers, we'll post a review.

New Age Beverage Brewers

To all appearances, everything they draw from the tap is nothing but water. According to the owner, Donald "Chakra" Everyman, this is merely the reviewer's misperception. "Liquids are an illusion until you perceive the reality within. You are the brew and the brew is you," he states. "Be the beer, and the beer will be you." The pub also features a huge menu for lunch and dinner. Oddly enough, all the food items tasted like bread.

The Really Small Hand Made Beer at High Prices Place

This quaint establishment has sprung up right next door to the Anheuser Busch Factories in several states. In all locations, there are pipes running between the buildings, but each visitor is assured on entering the premises that, "Those pipes don't carry any beer. Honest. Not a drop. Nope. We make our own beer. Yes sirree. Swear we do. Yup." Adding to the authenticity, there's a steaming kettle in a back room, along with a couple of vats and some barrels.

## The Blockbuster to End All Blockbusters

In an effort to run with a winning formula, Bandwagon Films has begun production on an as-yet-untitled flick that has the industry abuzz with excitement. The story centers around two peace-loving retired soldiers (Arnold Schwarznegger and Steven Sagal), and their short, psychotic friend who kills anyone who annoys him (Joe Pesci). When Sagal's wisecracking next-door neighbor (Whoopie Goldberg) and her wisecracking husband (Jim Belushi) get kidnapped by a demented landscaper whose mind has been savaged by too many years spraying toxic chemicals on weeds (manically played by Dennis Hopper in an over-the-top performance), the pair spring into action. Leaving behind their cute and perky lady friends (Meg Ryan and Melanie Griffith), the commando's seek the help of their former leader (Richard Crenna) who, unbeknownst to them, is involved in a secret plot to take over the government, masterminded by a trio of high-ranking Pentagon officials (Joe Don Baker, Hal Holbrook, and Tyne Daily) who are themselves puppets of an old-but-wily Mafioso (William Hickey).

The leader dispatches a cold-blooded hit man (Rutger Hauer) who nearly kills our heroes in a 500-mile car chase (good guys in a Mustang, bad guy in a Mack Truck), before hurtling off a majestic cliff (matte painting of the Grand Canyon). The commandos enlist the help of several dozen townspeople (all played by Tom Skerrit) and head back to Washington to confront their leader.

En route, they are abducted by three aliens (Frank Langella, Jeff Goldblum, and Carol Keene). They manage to fight their way free with the aid of two leather-clad space pirates (Sigourney Weaver and Cher), and then encounter a cosmic intelligence (voice of James Earl Jones) who offers to help them if they will perform one small task first. He asks them to retrieve the Crystal of Cosmic Peace from an evil kick boxer (Bolo). They find their own kick boxers, a handsome man with a troubled past (Jean Claud Van Dam), and a quite, thoughtful martial artist who bears an uncanny resemblance to Bruce Lee (played by someone named Lee, Li, Lui, or Lie), and head off for the final battle.

After a spectacular fight involving tanks, jeeps, Apache choppers, Harriers, dinosaurs, jet skis, and a tornado, our heroes recover the Crystal, blow up all the conspirators, rescue the hostages, and get back home just in time for dinner, served by their doting but somewhat ditzy mother (Olympia Dukakis).

## Drawing Inspiration

[Note — this was written way before Pirates of the Caribbean became a movie.]

Having found material in plays ( _Bambi_ ), books ( _The Hunchback of Notre Dame_ ), history (Pocahontas) and folk tales ("Cinderella"), Disney is expanding its net in search of new inspiration for movies. Our inside sources have leaked the following list of projects under consideration.

Snackwell and Company

Inspired by a box of baked goods, this animated feature tells the tale of an ambitious cookie who must struggle with the dichotomy of being both low in fat and high in calories. An adorable selection of supporting cookies, including Newton and Chippie, round out the cast. The feature tune, "Fat for Life," is expected to garner an academy award nomination.

Whirlwind — The Movie

Based on a roller coaster ride, this film has a plot that takes several unexpected twists. Suspense mounts, the tensions rises, then the audience is thrown for a loop. Unfortunately, the whole experience seems to slow down at the end, and the audience is left with a feeling that it has ended up right back where it started.

Closer Than You Think

Inspired by the warning in rear-view mirrors, this movie is about a bunch of objects that are pretty darn close. Done in stop-frame animation by the team who made The _Nightmare Before Christmas_ , the film introduces a great new movie villain, Reflectio.

InterACTION!

Taken almost directly from the warning insert in a bottle of prescription pills, this tale follows a beta-blocker named Betty as she travels through the human body. Betty attempts to do her job before she can be caught by an onslaught of interacting medications. The chase sequence through the kidneys demonstrates the latest in computer-modeled animation.

The Big Blue Whale

Conceived after the scriptwriter read IBM's latest annual report, this is the tale of a huge, slow whale trying to survive in a sea filled with fast predators and creatures that have evolved far beyond the typical piscine structure.

Foodtasia

According to industry rumors, this project was conceived when a Disney executive who was stuck in traffic was reviewing his shopping list while listening to a pop station on the radio. The result is a film featuring two and a half hours of animated foods dancing to popular tunes. Highlights include a charming troupe of elbow macaroni performing to the strains of "On Bended Knee," sugar packets pouring their hearts out over "One Sweet Day," and, for a bit of nostalgia, a charming dozen eggs hopping and bumping to the tune of "Beat It."

## Community Combos

Here's your Spring Catalog for City Community College. We're excited about the upcoming semester and pleased to announce a variety of new classes, along with several new degree programs. Due to budget cuts, we've been forced to combine a few of the less popular classes, but we trust the schedule will provide something for everyone.

Conversational Chinese Cooking

Learn to talk the talk while you walk the wok. We'll make an assortment of Cantonese dishes and sounds. By the end of the course, you'll be able to whip up a thirteen course banquet for the family or attend your favorite king fu theater without need of subtitles.

Glass Blowing and First Aid

Students will learn the basic techniques and methods used to produce vases, goblets, and art works. They'll also get detailed instruction in identifying and treating first, second, and third degree burns, with a special emphasis on injuries to the face and hands. If time permits, we'll make thermometers.

Beginning Banjo and Intermediate Tennis

Bring a racquet. Make a racket. Students will start out with elementary finger picking exercises and basic ground strokes. From there, the course will also cover alternate tunings and topspin serves. Finally, we'll learn about playing techniques for various surfaces, including clay, concrete, and bluegrass.

Introduction to Windows 95 and Living Trusts

This one-day seminar will step the user through the basics of running the latest operating system, and then discuss ways to get ready for the day his own operating system develops glitches. Bring a blank disk and a blank power-of-attorney form.

Aerobic Opera Appreciation

We'll start out light, doing stretches to Puccini. As the course progresses, we'll build up stamina until we can do step aerobics through an entire ring cycle. The course is finished when the fat lady vanishes.

Note — all of our Eastern Disciplines courses and our Contemporary Construction classes had to be combined. The new offerings are Jackhammer Meditation, Tai Chi Chimneys, Feng Shui Framing, and Kama Sutra in Concrete.

## A Compromising Situation

After nearly twenty years of marriage, my wife and I have honed our happiness upon a simple system of compromise. For example, we've evenly divided unpleasant tasks based on the idea that each person has his own level of tolerance and loathing. My wife would prefer not to go anywhere near the viscous, semi-sentient ooze that forms in our sink and shower drains. I, on the other hand, can deal with even the slimiest mass of fermented hair and sloughed off skin cells as long as I've grabbed enough paper towels to obscure the true nature of what I'm touching. Thus we've established this simple allocation of an unpleasant chore — if it's clogging the drain, it's my responsibility.

In exchange, my wife has taken on the odious task of looking at other people's vacation pictures. Somehow, she can actually view seventy-two different shots of the Eiffel tower with a freshness and enthusiasm I find stunning. She'll even allow a friend or neighbor to parade dozens of pictures from family reunions before her unglazed eyes. In response to information such as: "This is our cousin Lilly's new boyfriend, who wants to be a Marine," she can actually find a meaningful reply. I am in awe of her talent.

Our spirit of compromise extends to all phases of our lives. Take movies. For each deeply significant and meaningful movie we rent — the sort where nothing happens except for virtually-identical people talking an awful lot or going to funerals or playing bridge — we get to rent a movie which features either a high-speed car chase or Jamie Lee Curtis. Please don't assume that our tastes are completely incompatible. It turns out we both like foreign films. But even there, we compromise. First, she rents one from England or France featuring people drinking tea or cutting flowers or looking out a window. (The only thing outside the window, as far as I can tell, is more people drinking tea or cutting flowers.) Then it's my turn. For my foreign selection, I get a film from Hong Kong or Taiwan featuring people flying through the air throwing kicks and screaming like possessed chickens.

And then there's food. Here, more than anywhere else, compromise is crucial. When my wife goes on a diet, it is my job to be the bad guy and suggest we go out for ice cream because, "Life is short and winter is almost here." When I'm the one who decides it's time to lose some of those surplus pounds, it's my wife's duty to bake such irresistible cookies that it's the diet, and not the pounds, that vanishes without a trace. My will just crumbles when she bakes. Unless, of course, I've just given pulled five pounds of clotted muck, wriggling and screaming, from the shower drain. In that case, even I can pass up the cookies.

## It's My Party and I'll Try If I Want To

Yeah, Dole and Clinton get all the press coverage, but they aren't the only campaigners out there. It's those third, fourth, fifth, and eighty-sixth party candidates who make the whole thing interesting. And, as usual, these folks run the gamut from the merely deluded to the truly insane. As a service to those of you who want to know all your choices, here's a rundown of the other runners.

Dale Legume, Vegetarian Party

Running under the slogan "Meat Depresses," Mr. Legume has dedicated his life to preaching the value of a vegetarian diet. He believes his philosophy can be applied to all areas of government. He wants to do more than trim the fat from the budget — he wants to eliminate it. He feels that all Americans need to establish roots.

Ron Anyhow, Futilitarian party

Ron knows he can't possibly win, but that doesn't matter to him. He just wants to make a statement. When asked what that statement is, he seems puzzled. At press time, Mr. Anyhow had no slogan.

Bryan Slipstick, Nerd Party

Mr. Slipstick strongly feels that charisma is overrated in American politics. In a very long speech at a press conference this afternoon, he said a whole bunch of stuff, some of which wasn't understandable, and the rest of which wasn't very interesting. His slogan, as far as anyone can tell, is something along the lines of: "Let's beta test those parameters."

Jethro Bodine, Nostalgia Party

Mr. Bodine, a millionaire who won't answer questions about the origin of his fortune, feels that the country is ready for a return to good old common values. Slogan: A squirrel in every pot. He vigorously denies a rumor that he has promised every person who votes for him a date with his sister. His slogan seems to be some sort of guttural country holler.

H. Prospero, Tempest Fugitive Party

Hoping to capture some votes from confused Perot supporters, this candidate has kept himself shrouded in secrecy on his island residence. Whatever his slogan is, it appears to have the power to turn people into animals.

Rory MacManly, Hollywood Party

Best remembered for playing the role of a male meter maid on Columbo, MacManly believes it is the function of the studio system to provide presidential candidates. His slogan: "I'm always acting in the country's best interests."

Thomas Dewey, Universal Universalities Party

Perennial candidate Dewey, who has been unable to run for the past several decades due to his being dead, has reappeared on the campaign trail thanks to the efforts of Mayleen Summer Dewillickers, who is acting as a channel between the spirit world and the corporeal plane. Trying to get into the contemporary spirit of things, Dewey's slogan is "Dewey? He sure do!"

## Thank You For Calling

I used to get annoyed by those endless phone calls pitching everything from triple-insulated storm windows to the next hot stock. (Oddly enough, nobody ever called to offer me a hot stock in a storm window company...) Then I realized that these calls were a great opportunity to inject a dose of pleasure and variety into my day. All I had to do was change my attitude and see how much entertainment I could extract. Just like that, I began to look forward to the ringing of the phone.

The realization came to me, appropriately enough, when I got a call from a psychic hotline.

"Did you recently request information about a psychic network?" the woman asked.

Obviously this was some sort of ploy, trying to trick me into thinking I'd contacted them. Normally, I would have just said, "No," and hung up. But a light bulb clicked on as I realized I couldn't have been handed a better straight line. It was as if she'd just given me a whole chocolate cream pie and demanded that I dig in.

Without a pause, I came back at her with, "Shouldn't you know?" This felt so great, I couldn't stop. "You're psychic. You tell me."

What a wonderful feeling. I'd created a monster, and the monster was me. I couldn't wait for the next call. Needless to say, it wasn't long in coming.

"Hi," the woman on the other end said. "did you receive your copy of the _Daily Express_ today?" (Please note that the _Daily Express_ is a fictitious paper, since I'd be the last one on the planet to accuse the _Easton Express Times_ of making far too many deceptive sales calls.)

I knew this question was a trick to find out if I was a subscriber, but I went along. "Gosh, I don't get that paper."

"Well this is your lucky day. We have a special offer for an eight-week trial subscription. And you don't even have to pay until—"

"Excuse me, do you publish a Braille edition?"

Click.

Ring.

"Hello, I'm with the State Police Association. We're raising money to —"

"Look, I told you people I didn't do it. That's deer blood in my car trunk. This hunter was hitchhiking and I gave him a ride. I don't know where my wife went. And I have no idea where the hatchet came from. Will you please stop badgering me with questions. I'm innocent."

Click.

Ring.

"Hi, Mister Lumblarg?"

"Close enough."

"Are you the home owner, Mister Lublerg?"

"Gosh, 'home' is kind of a fancy word. You know, most of us around here call these things 'sheds.' I mean, I got a roof. Don't get me wrong. Hey — are you selling windows? I'll bet you're one of them fellows that sell windows. I've been thinking about getting me one of those, you know, with the glass in it and all. They open and shut. Right? Can you come out here now or do I —"

Click.

I've constantly refined my technique since those early efforts. In the process, I've come up with a few rules. I don't do any of this with legitimate charities. I save my efforts for sales calls and for scams posing as good causes — like the people who pretend to be representing local police or firemen but are actually calling from Guam. The more deceptive the pitch, the longer I try to keep the caller on line. This appeals to my sense of justice. Not only am I wasting his time, but I'm helping to spare someone else. Yup, that's me taking the telephonic bullet for the good of mankind. And I'm having fun doing it.

Now, if I could just figure out how to do the same thing with junk e-mail...

# PART TWO: Computers and programming

#

## The Concise Guide for Computer Buyers

Whether you're a first-time buyer or a power user planning to upgrade that antiquated Pentium 100, the decision to plunk down a couple thousand dollars for a box filled with little pieces of melted sand can be an unsettling experience. The following tips should help.

If you decide to buy from a store, remember that some salesmen are a bit newer at this than others.

Watch out for any of the following phrases:

And what size would you like that in?

Computers? Yeah, I think we got some.

Pentium, schmentium, let me show you something really nice.

It comes with a TV attached.

Look, from what I hear, they're all the same.

The good computers come without any software. Honest.

Not all computers are made to the same standards. Avoid any brand with the following attributes:

The instructions are only in Malaysian.

There are bare wires projecting out of the drive slots.

The case includes a built-in smoke detector.

The power switch is labeled OFF/MAYBE.

Instead of a CD ROM, it has a slot for eight-track tapes.

There is mud on the bottom.

While mail order outlets generally offer lower prices than stores, think twice about dealing with a company if the catalog has any of the following features:

Women in bathing suits.

A 900 order number.

A note to send all orders in care of The Warden.

Computers, knives, and government-surplus ball bearings.

And a few final tips to make sure you end up with the ideal system:

Despite what it says in the ads, a monitor is not optional.

Internal and external modems are fine; avoid unassembled ones.

Yes, you really need all those cables.

It's not your fault it doesn't work.

## Twenty-Four Minutes in Cyber-Space

"Okay," my wife said, sneaking up on me while I worked on important cyberspace research. "I'm ready to see what all the fuss is about. Show me the internet."

"Sure. Great," I mumbled as I interrupted a crucial download of graphic data from a Caltech fraternity house. "Let's start with newsgroups." I told her. "You'll like this."

I explained the concept of a bulletin board while I searched for cooking — one of my wife's favorite sports.

"Look at this," I told her as I surfed my way to a cooking group. "You can post all sorts of things, and then read the answers."

She leaned over my shoulder and read what was on the screen:

From: Joe@NetTown.com  
Subject: Chocolate Chip Cookies  
Does anyone have a good recipe for chocolate chip cookies? TIA  
Joe  
"A horse is a horse, of course, of course." — Mr. Ed

"Great," my wife said. "I've been looking for a new recipe for cookies. But what's with the horse thing?"

"Never mind that — it's kind of hard to explain. But let's follow the thread. This should be good."

From: andy@hera.com  
Subject: re: Chocolate Chip Cookies  
Hey Joe, why do you want a recipe? Are you going to eat the cookies or are you planning to give them to someone?  
Andy, the baker man  
"Too busy to find a quote." — Anon.

From: wendy@communitycollege.com  
Subject: re: Chocolate Chip Cookies  
Joe, chocolate isn't good for your heart.  
Wendy  
"Beam me up, beam me down, beam me up again." — Dr. Ixplotl

From: Diane@comcom.com  
Subject: re: Chocolate Chip Cookies  
Wendy, leave Joe alone. He's free to eat anything he wants.  
Diane, the Cooking Goddess, Sysop of Cookworld BBS, caterer, part-time bus driver, and Amway Distributor.

From: Steve@tofu.com  
Subject: re: Chocolate Chip Cookies  
Diane, leave Wendy alone. She has a right to her opinion.  
Steve  
"What is the sound of some Spam clapping?" — Yoda

From: sycho@prozac.com.  
Subject: re: Chocolate Chip Cookies  
Hey Joe, you stupid ignorant ball of phlegm. If you bothered to READ THE FILE we post for IDIOTS LIKE YOU, you'd know that cookie recipes are stored under alt.cooking.recipes.sweets.cookies. Did you even THINK of looking there before you took up all this valuable space and wasted everyone's time?!? That's the problem with this board. I'M GETTING SICK OF IT!!!!! Next time, use your brain, you moron.  
Dwayne SYCHO Frezniak  
"Out of my way" — Me

"Kind of hostile," my wife said. "And that guy who was complaining about taking up space. He sure took up a lot of—"

"I know," I said. "Sorry. That was a bad example. Wait. This looks like a better news group — it's nothing but baking. Let's check it out." I had a feeling this one was good. There were tons of postings about chocolate-chip cookies.

I pulled one up:

From: Angel@megaverse.com  
Subject: nuts in chocolate chip cookies  
Hi. I wanted to put some nuts in my next batch. Anyone have any suggestions?  
Angel

"That's interesting," My wife said. "Can we see if there are answers."

"Sure. I just have to click right here." I followed the thread. "See. Nothing to it."

From: Cookerman@leftfield.com  
Subject: re: nuts in chocolate chip cookies  
Angel — I've had great luck with walnuts. Just make sure to fry the nuts first (I use walnut oil, which to my mind produces a cool symmetry or coincidence or something). About thirty minutes on a high flame should get them crispy enough.  
Cookerman, King of the Kookie

"Fry the nuts?" my wife asked. "For half an hour? That seems strange. You'd think they'd burn." She shrugged, then read the message again, "I guess they wouldn't let anyone put stuff up here if they didn't know what they were talking about. Otherwise, people would be giving all sorts of bad advice. That would be awful."

"Uh..." I wasn't sure how to break it to her. "You know, maybe newsgroups aren't the best place to start. Maybe you should start with a listserve."

"And that would be...?"

I explained the concept.

She stared at me as if I were crazy. "So, it's like this newsgroup thing, except it comes to me whenever it wants?"

"Uh huh."

She shook her head. "I don't think so. Is that all there is?"

"No. There's the Web. You'll like that. Promise. You can find stuff to buy. You can get information on absolutely anything. What should we look for?"

She shrugged. "Okay. One last try. Impress me."

"Watch this," I said. I searched for "cookies."

"Seven hundred eighty nine thousand hits," my wife said, reading over my shoulder. "What does that mean?"

"Nothing. Hang on." I tried again. _Chocolate chip cookies_. There. The list came up.

"Chippies and Cookies. We're sweeter than chocolate. Visit our adult site," my wife read, looking at the first entry. She read the next one, "I tossed my cookies at Chippendales. Too much chocolate liquor."

"Maybe I should narrow the search," I said.

She stepped away from the computer. "And this is how you spend all your time when you're cooped up in here?"

"Yeah.... But most of the stuff I look for is, uh, a lot easier to find."

"You can have it," she said as she walked out of the room.

Cool. Now where was I? Oh yes — my research. I went back to the search engine and put in "swimsuit."

"Tired of worrying how you fit in that swimsuit? Have some fun for a change. The Chocolate Chip Cookie Page is filled with ideas, tips, recipes, FAQ files, and dozens of links."

I guess my wife was right. This sure wasn't what I was looking for.

## Cutting-Edge Software

Fresh from the floor of the Consumer Electronics Show, here's a report from our correspondents on the latest and hottest products for home and office.

Lotus Lite

People who've always wanted to use a spreadsheet but have nothing to calculate will welcome _Lotus Lite_. The program takes a series of numbers and then decides what to do with them. Data can be imported from just about anywhere, including high-score files, phone lists, or even the computer's system clock. The printer output can be formatted either as portrait, landscape, or abstract-expressionist.

Words for Windows

Having extensively tested _Word for Windows_ and found that it is actually capable of allowing the user to type in any single word from the English language, Microsoft is now ready to make the big leap and release a version that works with larger groups such as phrases, sentences, and paragraphs.

Uninstaller SuperPro

Unlike previous versions that demanded decisions from the user, no input is required by _Uninstaller SuperPro_. This version automatically uninstalls _Windows_ , any software that runs under _Windows_ , and also most programs that don't require _Windows_.

MacCray

Now that the Mac can run PC software, those brilliant elves at Apple have found a way to let it run software designed for the Cray I and other super computers. Finally, anyone with a Mac can predict the weather almost as well as the U.S. Weather Service, with only a slight drop in performance. The software comes with an easily-installed eight-inch floppy drive, a two hundred twenty volt power supply adapter, and a nifty t-shirt.

The Voicelator

This remarkable piece of software allows anyone with a modem to actually communicate by voice with any other person who also owns a modem and _Voicelator_ software. In a departure from other products in the field, the _Voicelator_ doesn't require the parties to connect through the Internet. The Voicelator allows the user "dial up" the person he wishes to speak with. The system also requires a telephone (sold separately) at each end.

## Chicken Soup for the Nerd's Soul

[Note: This was going to be an entire satirical book. It ended up being abandoned after two entries. This was probably a smart move on my part].

Well, just about everyone else has gotten their bowl. There's been a Chicken Soup book written or in the works for nearly every category, class, and division of humanity. Except, as usual, for the poor nerd. Guess what? Others may have forgotten you, but we haven't. Read on, and be warmed and hearted by this collection of anecdotes and parables selected just for you.

Be Prepared

A young boy watched as his father drove off, taking the boy's computer to the repair shop. Before the car got out of sight, it was sideswiped by a gasoline tanker truck and engulfed in a ball of flames.

"Your data," the boy's mother cried. "It's gone. It's all lost and gone."

"Cheer up, Mom," the boy said, holding aloft a removable disk drive. "I made a backup, just the way Dad taught me."

A Real Go Getter

A young boy — let's call him Bill — was told he would never amount to anything. Despite his inquisitive mind, Bill did poorly in school and flunked out of college. But Bill was always fascinated by technology. And there was one thing Bill noticed — every piece of hardware was useless without software. Bill took this observation and built it into a career. Have you heard of a company called Microsoft. Well, that young lad who would never amount to anything has a great job there. Bill fills all the soda machines.

## Laptop Tips

It seems that there are almost as many laptop computers as there are laptops. Everyone has one, and the world is filled with the tappity-tap sound of typing on planes and buses, in waiting rooms, and even in restaurants. But, unlike the extremely easy-to-use plug-and-play computer on every desktop, there are some tricks and subtleties involved in getting the most out of these portable machines. As a service to our readers, here's a list of laptop tips:

When you are almost done for the day, pretend that you have an hour or two of work left. This might trick the battery into letting you finish.

Put your name in your AUTOEXEC.BAT file so thieves will know whose machine they aren't returning.

If the screen seems dim and hard to read, you may have had a stroke. See your doctor immediately.

If the screen seems bright and clear, you may be hallucinating. See your doctor immediately.

Be sure any model you purchase is capable of handling future versions of Windows, OS/2 and _Tetris_.

If you're having trouble controlling the pointing device, try tipping the whole computer. The cursor has a tendency to float, and you can get it to the spot you want just by tilting the screen and tapping gently on the opposite side. Honest.

Some folks have a bit of trouble adjusting to the smaller keyboard. To make typing easier, give each fingertip a quick touch-up in an electric pencil sharpener.

Tests have shown that the typical display is clearest when viewed in the light cast by a 73-watt incandescent bulb. If this wattage isn't available in your area, you can get the same illumination with two dozen candles.

Battery life can be severely shortened by misuse. This includes leaving the computer unplugged for too long a period of time, leaving the computer plugged in for too long a period of time, plugging and unplugging the computer too frequently, or not plugging and unplugging the computer frequently enough.

Don't call it a laptop. It's a notebook. Or a sub-notebook. Or a sub-mini-micro notebook. If you refer to it as a laptop, people will know you are hopelessly out of touch and probably don't have anything important to do, let alone any need to do it while in a plane or bus or waiting room or restaurant.

## What Lies Beyond _Windows_

Folks might be growing a bit tired of _Windows_ and the desktop metaphor. The latest espionage has turned up several new interfaces that are under development at major software houses. Keep an eye out for:

Closets

A three-dimensional file hierarchy combined with special compression techniques (currently known and cramming, jamming and stuffing), typify the structure of _Closets._ Users can configure a hinged, bifold, or sliding front entrance, and then opt for shelves, hanger bars and, at the high end, organizers. Files are opened with a spherical pointing device known as a "knob."

Dumpster

The electronic culmination of the theory that any piece of paper should be handled only once, the _Dumpster_ interface has no storage or retrieval facilities. A file placed in _Dumpster_ is immediately removed. The network version has a recycling option.

Anthropomorph

Based on the philosophy that a computer is just like a person, _Anthropomorph_ contains an assortment of regions known as "organs." Each program functions under the control of the most appropriate organ. For example, all systems software is stored in the brain while communications programs are divided between the tongue and the ears. Unwanted files can be removed by sending them to the lower intestine. Unlike most operating systems, _Anthropomorph_ can actually grow to meet the user's needs.

Pockets

This elegant and stylish system adds a third dimension to operating systems. _Pockets_ can be constructed in varying depth, and in front or back locations. There are no restrictions governing the placement of files — any file can go into any pocket. Archiving is accomplished by leaving files in other pockets. Data security is available at various levels from flap and button all the way up to zipper.

Screen(tm)

This metaphor, considered the most brilliant innovation in decades, treats the computer screen as a computer _Screen_ (tm). Files are displayed on the _Screen_ (tm). Commands are sent to the _Screen_ (tm). While this might appear, on first glance, to limit the usability of the system, this is far from the truth. Using a layered hierarchy structure, the system allows only the topmost program to appear on the _Screen_ (tm), and forces the software to occupy the entire _Screen_ (tm). When the user is done with a program, he stops using it. If he wants to run another program, he just brings it up on the _Screen_ (tm). If not, he turns off the computer.

## A Very Brief History of Computers

About 150 years ago, Charles Babbage tried to build a computer. Unfortunately, Babbage came along before Thomas Edison. This meant he had nowhere to plug in his soldering iron. Still, he tried his best, and managed to use up a lot of money in various attempts to make his dream machine. He called it a "difference engine." Eventually, he grew tired of people asking him, "Hey, Babbage, what's the difference? Ha, ha." Ada Lovelace helped him a lot and did all the actual programming. This was pretty impressive since there was no computer to program.

Nothing much happened after that until around 1890 when a fellow named Hollerith invented the punched card. He was working for the government, which didn't see much of a future for the idea. IBM stepped in, grabbed the concept, and made a fortune. The government has been miffed at them ever since.

Things chugged along quietly until WWII when a team of scientists were trying to break the German codes. This task required a computer, so they invented one. The computer also turned out to be handy for calculating where a bomb would land. It's easy to tell where a bomb lands once it gets where it's going, but a bit tougher to guess the destination beforehand.

After that, computers got bigger and bigger for a while, and then got smaller. In the process, several people got extremely rich and the rest of us got to make more desk space.

## What the Marketing Phrases Really Mean

Easy to Use — The programmer got pretty good at using it while he was testing it for bugs.

User Friendly — Instead of saying, "File not found," the program tells you, "Sorry, file not found."

Fast — Not as slow as it used to be.

Extremely fast — Bearable as long as you're not in a hurry.

Lightning fast — See extremely fast.

Active Martix Display — Something inside sort of moves around, but we're not sure what.

Passive Matrix Display — It was active, but it broke.

Ergonomically designed — designed.

While Supplies Last — If we ever get rid of these, we're throwing a party.

Limited Quantity — Until we get rid of these, we can't store anything else.

Hot! — We've moved half of them, but the warehouse is still jammed.

Special purchase — Boy did we screw up this time.

New, low prices — nobody bought one in ages.

Too many features to list — We sort of lost track of what we did.

Toner Sold Separately — Many of our customers never get the printer to run, so we decided to offer this as an optional purchase.

Works automatically with no user intervention — It doesn't do a thing, but you'll never know.

Constructed for the value-minded consumer — It will break the first time you breathe on it.

Professional quality — your company is paying for it so we can jack up the price far beyond the point any sane person would accept.

Toll-free technical support — You get to listen to hours of music while you wait on hold, and it won't cost you a penny. If you have a speaker phone, you can use this service to replace your radio.

High performance — It probably works most of the time.

New and Improved — We finally found that really bad bug we've been working around for years.

World's Most Comprehensive CD ROM — there's so much stuff crammed on here, you'll never find any of it.

## Program Development Cycle

Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by magic. That program shrink-wrapped inside the box along with the indecipherable manual and twelve-paragraph disclaimer notice actually came to you by way of an elaborate path through the most rigid quality control methods on the planet. Here, shared for the first time with the general public, are the inside details of the program development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. Twenty bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes ten of the bugs and explains to the testing. department that the other ten aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers fifteen new bugs.

5. See 3.

6. See 4.

7. See 5.

8. See 6.

9. See 7.

10. See 8.

11. Due to marketing pressure and extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

12. Users find 137 new bugs.

13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduces 456 new ones.

15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

16. Company is bought in hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.

18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

## Seven Uses for a Broken Mouse

1. Wear it as a western-style necktie

2. Rewire it for your sewing machine.

3. Hollow it out for use as a tea caddie.

4. Use it to replace that tacky brass pendulum in the grandfather clock.

5. Tie three of them together to make a bolo for hunting small birds.

6. Turn it into a hi-tech drapery pull.

7. Leave it plugged in and learn to type.

## Why Kids Are Better with Computers

Adults expect the world to make sense. If an adult puts a slice of bread in a toaster, he has every right to expect to get toast. Kids are not burdened by any such delusions. If a kid puts a piece of bread in a toaster and gets back a waffle, he'll just shrug it off as the way that toaster happens to work. From then on, whenever he wants a waffle, he'll put bread in the toaster. The kid gets a waffle, the adult gets an ulcer.

This is virtually identical to the way computers work. An adult who saves a file has every reason to expect that the file is somewhere on his hard drive. An adult who buys a spreadsheet program has every expectation that he will be able to use it to make calculations. An adult who has a degree in nuclear physics has every right to expect to be able to use a $300 word-processing program to write a letter. Kids know better.

## A Simple Two-Step Configuration Process

1. Find someone who has a system where everything works.

2. Buy it from him.

## The Read-Only Round-Up

Looking for some technical help on those tough PC problems, or perhaps a bit of light after-work reading? Here's a review of some of the hottest new computer books.

A-S-D-F for Dummies

by Lefty Underwood

232 pp. $19.95

This latest addition to the popular Dummies series zooms in on those four little tricksters that inhabit the left-hand home position of the keyboard. Unlike other books on the subject, this volume doesn't overwhelm the reader with an immediate flood of mechanical details. After three leisurely chapters on the use and misuse of the F key, the author takes us on a pleasant side trip, offering a variety of amusing anecdotes about typographical errors. Then it's back to work with the letter D. Next up — more anecdotes, with a wonderful chapter on famous people who know how to type. The same thoughtful modulation occurs throughout the rest of the book. By the time the reader has finished this well-paced instructional tome, he will have developed a finely-balanced versatility with all four of these essential letters.

An appendix covers shift key operation. The book includes a coupon for $1 off the next work in the series. While the title hasn't been officially announced, the buzz in the industry is that it will be _J-K-L-SEMICOLON for Dummies_.

The Beginner's Guide to Buying Word for Windows

by the editors of Computer Buying Spree Magazine

867 pp. $29.95

At last, the gap has been filled. There are at least a dozen good volumes available to help the user select the proper word processing software to suit his needs. But then what? This hefty tome steps forward to walk the perplexed consumer-to-be through the often confusing ritual of actually purchasing software. Part one gives an overview of the various outlets, including both general retailers and specialty stores (a distinction often beyond the grasp of the uninitiated). After a short section on the disadvantages of borrowing a copy, the authors bravely covers the complex area of mail order. A final section on payment methods and financing rounds out this much-needed manual for anyone who is contemplating making that first all-important software purchase.

Buddy Can You Spare a Billion

by Ned Grouse

342 pp. $24.95

Yet another unauthorized biography of Bill Gates. This one from a former employee who saw the young billionaire several times in the hall and once got to use the water fountain right after him. Full of personal anecdotes and bitterness.

Buddy Can You Spare a Million

by Ned Grouse

342 pp. $24.95

Yet another unauthorized biography of Steve Wozniak, co-founder of Apple. This reviewer found it vaguely familiar.

Buddy Can You Spare a Thousand

by Ned Grouse

342 pp. $24.95

The first, and apparently only, unauthorized biography of Osborn Adamson, the man who invented the combination mouse-pad/soft-drink-holder. The author worked at Sip and Click, Inc. during that brief period between the time the company filed to sell stock and the time it filed to go bankrupt. Despite the unique subject, the work has a derivative ring to it. The book includes a coupon redeemable for a gross of free mouse pads.

## Down the Hatch

Very little attention has been given to matching computing activities with the proper beverage. In the real world (that part of virtual reality which doesn't require a monitor or a Pentium) few people would serve a rum zombie with poached salmon or champagne with beef jerky. Humans generally don't drink root beer with hot and sour soup, or cranberry juice with chocolate cake. But most computer users grab whatever liquid is at hand, giving absolutely no thought to the delicate balance between beverages and software. In the interest of making the computing experience as enjoyable as possible, we've surveyed an assortment of experts in the food industry. Here are their recommendations:

Spreadsheets — Red wine for a loss, black Russians for a profit

Tax software — Pure grain alcohol

Quicken — Anything addictive

Data bases — Pousse-cafe

Virus scanners — Buttermilk

Vampire role-playing game — Tomato Juice

Arcade-style boxing game — Punch

Anything on a 686 — Nestlé's Quick

Anything on a 386 — Sloe gin

Anything on a 286 — Molasses

Typing tutors — Tea, High C, or V8

Calorie calculators — Stout

Communications software — Port

Diagnostic software — Dr. Pepper

Slot machine simulator — Cherry cola

3-D maze game — Martini with a twist

Garden Planner — Root beer

Movie finder — A Shirley Temple

Auto lease calculators — Lemonade

Calendar Generator — Spring Water

Yahoo — Yoo Hoo

Animation software — Sprite

Demo games — Light beer

Windows Games — Draft beer

Disk-based games — Domestic beer

CD ROM games — Imported beer

Shareware games — Somebody else's beer

# PART THREE: Books, literature, and writing

#

## A Guide to Literary Fiction

Just because a story makes no sense and seems to serve no purpose, don't assume it lacks literary merit. That's not your decision to make. The person who opted to publish the story has already bestowed merit on it by the very act of putting it into print.

While the world of literary fiction might seem anarchistic, formless, and confusing, you can learn to enjoy this genre, or at least learn to recognize the nature of this thing that's taking up all the space that might otherwise go to cartoons. In fact, all literary fiction can be easily divided into just four categories. Here they are.

Crumbs-in-the-Butter Stories (AKA Breakfast with Epiphanies)

Two characters meet somewhere, drink tea, and talk. One notices that there are crumbs in the butter and realizes this is a metaphor for her life. The story ends.

The gender of the characters and the type of beverage being consumed can vary. It is permissible to have something other than crumbs in the butter (e.g. a dying fly or a small diamond). There can be something other than butter on the table. There need not even be a table.

Knocking-Postman Stories (AKA Stop Depresses)

These stories come to an abrupt and arbitrary ending, as if the writer, like Coleridge, was interrupted by the postman and just couldn't get back up to speed. The more threads left dangling, the greater the literary merit. The boldest versions stop mid sentence.

TCBH Stories (AKA Borges a Jolly Good Fellow)

These stories, too clever by half, are based on literature in self-referential ways. The main character might realize he's a character in the story. Or he might be writing a story about a writer writing a story about himself. Or reading about himself. Or visiting another story. Or thinking about writing a story. In civilized parts of the world, it is a misdemeanor for anyone over the age of 27 to write this type of story. Except for Borges, of course.

Tales from the Cryptic (AKA All's Well That Ends)

This is the great practical joker of the literary world, with a pedigree going back to the original shaggy-dog story. The reader is lulled by interesting characters and maybe even a whiff or two of plot. We read dozens of pages. Characters converge and interact. Things happen. Questions are raised. Wonderful metaphors pave the path. Then we reach a conclusion that seems to bear no relationship to the previous text. For example — two people meet and have tea. Halfway around the world, a butterfly dies. The end. We are left as clueless about the ending as the author.

And that wraps things up. One final hint. If you're ever in doubt about whether a store is literary, there's a simple test. Look in a mirror immediately after reading the last sentence. If your eyebrows are closer together than normal, the answer is yes.

## A Glossary of SF, Fantasy, and Horror Terms

Perplexed by the jargon of speculative fiction? There's good reason for that. We make it up as we go along. No grixling. But with the explosive growth of interest in fantasy and sf, it's important for every librarian to become familiar with some basic definitions. In an effort to help, we've compiled a glossary of the most important terms. So strap on a pair of pointy ears, grab yourself a nice cold glass of lagniff juice, and dive right in.

Sub Genres:

High fantasy — any book written during the late sixties.

Epic fantasy — a fantasy novel that takes five years to read.

Quest Fantasy — the book you've been looking for all week but can't find. It was on the coffee table just the other day, right under the cordless phone, and now it's gone.

Sword and Sorcery — two things that aren't allowed in to school.

Hard Science Fiction — an SF novel with lots of big words.

Soft Science Fiction — SF with a buxom wench on the cover.

Alternate History Story — any attempt made by a student to explain why he returned the soft science fiction novel without its cover.

Space opera — a musical performance so bad there are plenty of available seats.

Cyberpunk — high-tech incense burned to keep small insects and palm pilots from invading a room.

Splatterpunk — you don't want to know.

Gothic Horror — the feeling you get when your daughter decides to dress like an undertaker.

Magical realism — might just be a trendy, oxymoronic term for fantasy, but let me go ask the angel in my closet whether he has any thoughts on the matter.

Other Useful Terms:

Klingon — an alien race whose evil disposition is further aggravated by the realization that their name is so well suited to bathroom humor.

Conan — a talk show host played by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Tolkien integration — the attempt to introduce students to fantasy through the use of only the best-known books in the genre. Also called "Pottering around."

Hyperspace — the section of the classroom where the overactive kids are sent for their timeouts.

Warp speed — the rate at which that incredibly expensive new anthology develops a curved cover.

Starfleet — special brand of enema endorsed by bulimic celebrities.

Jedi — a comedic glance perfected by Buddy Ebsen.

Dr. Who — most common question uttered by anyone belonging to an HMO.

Necromancer — a vampire who gives hickies.

Cthulhu — what Kirk calls his helmsman after he's had oral surgery.

Hyperborean — adjective used to describe the level of tedium reached in most scholarly analyses of fantasy.

H. P. Lovecraft — nickname for Hewlett Packard's corporate yacht.

## Little-Known Literary Facts

As those of you who've recently been in a greeting-card store probably know, today is Little-Known Literary Facts Day. Amazing how these holidays come along. It seemed like just yesterday it was Send-Your-Pet-Some-Marzipan Day. It's easy to overlook specific one-day events, given all the current excitement of celebrating both Padded Bicycle Seat Week and National Chalk Month, but as friends and fans of the written word, we certainly can't let this one pass unnoticed. So, to help get the festivities off on the right foot, here are some little-known literary facts.

Research into the archives reveals that Herman Melville was far ahead of his times. His working title for _Moby Dick_ was actually _Whaling for Dummies_. His publisher changed it without informing him.

Besides being a master painter and sculptor, Michelangelo was also an aspiring author. It was while waiting to hear from his editor that he carved the statue of David. To quote the master: "Those four years just flew right by like marble dust in a windstorm." An historical side note — the project, a thriller called _Chiselers in Florence_ , was canceled when the editor changed publishers.

In the first draft of _Of Mice and Men_ , Steinbeck doesn't have Lenny say, "Tell me about the rabbits, George." Instead, the slow, gentle giant asks, "Are you talking to me? Are _you_ talking to _me_?"

Since its appearance, _The_ _Odyssey_ has sold enough copies to have earned its author nineteen billion dollars in royalties. Unfortunately, Homer was so eager for publication, he leaped at the first offer and signed away all rights for a flat fee. Worse, his contract gave his publisher first refusal rights for his next work, so the _Iliad_ was also snatched up for a song. (Astute readers might wonder whether the above is correct, given that the _Iliad_ takes place before the _Odyssey_. Actually, there's a simple explanation. It was Homer, and not Tom Clancy, who pioneered the concept of the prequel.)

The day after getting a new pair of glasses, James Joyce was shown copy of _Ulysses_ hot off the presses. According to others present at this historic moment, the author screamed, "That's not what I wrote. Not at all. This doesn't make any sense," and dashed out of his house in such a rage he ran into a lamp post and broke the glasses. He was wearing the old pair when he wrote _Finnegan's Wake_.

Modern scholars suspect that Henry David Thoreau suffered from a severe speech impediment which caused Concord residents to mistakenly point him in the direction of Walden Pond when he was actually asking where he could find a willing blond.

Recent studies of Margaret Mitchell's possessions have uncovered documents that might shed light on the origins of _Gone with the Wind_. The discovery, found stuffed in the back of a drawer, appears to be a shopping list, with the entry: "Send butler for pansies."

After the stunning reception given to _Frankenstein_ , Mary Shelly wrote seventeen more novels based on her dreams. These included _Exposed at a Party_ , the story of a woman who finds herself standing naked at a masked ball where everyone else is dressed, _Lost in a Strange Place_ , which details the efforts of a person to find her way out of a mysterious city, and _Animal Heads_ " where all the people have animal heads. None of these novels achieved any degree of popularity.

Tired of being teased and taunted by local high school students, Gustave Flaubert vowed he'd get revenge on them, and on all other students for all of eternity. The next day, he started writing _Madame Bovary_.

Though he created works that led to his becoming the world's best-known playwright, William Shakespeare never achieved his greatest ambition. "A pox on these plays," he wrote in his memoirs. "What I really want to do is direct."

A cover letter, apparently prematurely separated from its manuscript, was found in the files of e e cummings's publisher. The first paragraph begins with: i apologize for the lack of capital letters but the typewriter broke again i trust your judgment please fix at your discretion

When Dostoyevsky and Tolstoy met for the first time, they immediately got into a bragging match. First, they started comparing facial hair. Then, they got into a vodka-drinking contest. Finally, they began shouting, "Bet I can write a longer book than you," and "Bet you can't," at each other. Millions of innocent readers have suffered the consequences of this rivalry.

Well, I've got tons more facts I'd like to share, but I have to run. I need to get ready for tomorrow. According to my calendar, it's Supermodel Appreciation Day, and I have to download some GIF files.

## An Aptitude Test for Reviewers

So you want to join the ranks of the elite folks who write for _Carcass Reviews_. While we applaud your enthusiasm, you must realize that reviewing for us requires unique skills, and not everyone can qualify. The first step is to take this simple aptitude test.

1. Before writing a review, it is essential that the reviewer

(A) carefully read the entire book

(B) skim the book, or at least most of it

(C) carefully read the entire book jacket

(D) skim the jacket, or at least most if it

(E) kill a kitten with his bare hands

2. It is important to get the main character's name right in the review because

(A) any factual error, no matter how insignificant, casts doubt on the quality of the entire review

(B) some of the stuff should be right, and this is one of the easier things to check

(C) if the author complains about the review, we can at least say, "Hey, what's your problem? We got the main character's name right."

(D) if every fact is wrong, the readers might not pay as much attention to the scathing barbs and witty put downs

(E) What's a main character?

3. C. S. Lewis said, "Many reviews are useless because, while purporting to condemn the book, they only reveal the reviewer's dislike of the kind to which it belongs. Let bad tragedies be censured by those who love tragedy, and bad detective stories by those who love detective stories. Then we shall learn their real faults." How do you respond to this?

(A) He makes a valid point which every reviewer should take to heart when dealing with genre fiction.

(B) There are different kinds of books?

(C) Lewis? I've heard of him. Did you know the French think he's a genius?

(D) What would be the fun in reviewing a book I didn't dislike?

(E) Wow — that's a lot to read. I sort of got lost. Mind if I just skip this question?

4. Society in general and the reading public in particular is well served by negative reviews because

(A) reading time is precious and nobody should waste time reading something that isn't well written

(B) it's fun to be cruel

(C) it's really fun to be cruel

(D) honest, there's just something so cool about tearing down someone else's writing, especially when you can't really do it yourself

(E) I didn't quite follow that question, either.

## A Red-Letter Day

When author Lisa Fraustino asked me to contribute a short story to the anthology Period Pieces, which wasn't about furniture or punctuation, but about stuff no guy has a clue about, I started out writing the following piece. It was wildly inappropriate for the anthology, and I never finished it, but I'm sort of fond of it as an example of metafiction, or bad taste, or something, so I decided to include it here.

Ms. Lindsay Frangelico

Pangea Press

105 Huron St.

Scarsdale, NY

Dear Lindsay,

Thank you for inviting me to submit a story to your new anthology. You have a great reputation in the field, and it would be wonderful to work with you. There is one small problem, however, that I'm afraid will keep me from writing a story. As I understand it, the topic of the anthology is periods. Being a guy, this is something I only know of second hand. I just can't see writing about it. But thanks for the offer. Maybe I'll have a better response for you next time. Give me a call if you ever decide to do an anthology on beer. I know a lot about that.

Sincerely,

Brock Manly

Dear Brock,

It was nice to hear from you. I understand your reluctance, but I wish you'd give the project a bit more consideration. I really admire your work. That story you write for the Harper Collins anthology on sweat stains was brilliant. I also liked the piece you did for that Knopf anthology where the main character in each story had to do something original with a brick. As a guy, perhaps you can bring a unique slant to a story about periods. There are lots of possibilities. I'd be interested to see anything you can come up with. Stay in touch.

Sincerely,

Lindsay F.

Dear Lindsay,

Okay. Maybe you're right. At the very least, you've got me thinking. I've already come up with some intriguing title ideas for my story. What do you think of _Blood and Chocolate_? I know it was used for a novel a couple years ago, but it seems perfect. Come to think of it, there are lots of novel whose titles I could borrow. Like _Ragtime._ _The Red Badge of Courage._ _A River Runs Through It._ Okay — that one's a bit of a stretch. But hey, it's not just book titles. There are tons of expressions I could use, too. You know — "Go with the flow," or "Keep plugging along."

I think I'm on to something. Let me play around with some of these titles. Maybe one will inspire a story.

Sincerely,

Brock

Dear Brock,

The more I think about it, the more I suspect your initial concerns might be valid. Maybe this is a bad topic for a guy to tackle. Maybe I'll do one on beer next. If so, you'll be the first person I get in touch with.

Sincerely,

Lindsay F.

Dear Lindsay,

Okay — I had my doubts at first. But I have to say, you're initial instincts were dead on target. I can definitely add a distinctive perspective to the book. Thanks for having faith in me.

I'm on a roll, by the way. I was thinking about titles, and it came to me. Remember that old expression from the cold war, when everyone was afraid of communism — better dead than red. What a killer title. Sounds like it could be a mystery. You know? Maybe the clue is a tampon. They bring in those forensic guys. CSI is hot right now. People love that stuff. Or I could flip it. Better red than dead. I like it. Not sure what it will be about.

Hey — I know this is all on spec, but do you think you could advance me some of the money. I mean, you have to admit it's a good start. If you don't take the story, I'll pay you back. Swear to God.

Sincerely,

Brock

Dear Brock,

It's pretty hard to judge a story just by its title. And my publisher can't advance any money. Sorry.

Sincerely,

Lindsay

Dear Lindsay,

No problem. We can talk about money after I turn in the first draft. It's going well. I've been doing some research. I called my girl friend. Actually, I guess she's my ex girl friend. I was going to go see her, but I'm not supposed to get closer than 100 yards. Technically, I suppose I shouldn't call her, either, but she didn't seem to mind. Anyhow, I asked her all about periods, and she told me a lot of stuff. I've got tons of material now.

I ditched that old title. It just wasn't inspiring. I was also wondering, does the submission have to be a short story? Are you taking other stuff? Poems or plays? I have an old screen play. One of the female characters is pretty bitchy. It's sort of like she has her period. I could pull that part out and use it as a mood piece. You know — it's sort of literary since there isn't a plot when you read that section by itself. Just people talking and not making a lot of sense. Let me know?

Sincerely,

Brock

Dear Brock,

I applaud your creativity, and am certainly willing to consider any genre or form, but I suspect most of my readers wouldn't respond well to a male interpretation of female bitchiness, especially one that takes such a simplistic stance along the lines of "period equals bitchy."

Sincerely,

Lindsay

Dear Lindsay,

Oh, God — what was I thinking. You're right. The period isn't the bitchy time. It's before that, right. So, are you including PMS. Or will that be a separate anthology? I guess it doesn't matter, since I realized I don't want to pull something out of my screen play and ruin my chances of selling it later. Hey — do you know any Hollywood agents?

Besides, I have a much better idea. Stay with me on this. It might seem weird at first, but I think it could be a killer. How about a string of knock-knock jokes? You know, like "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Menstrual." "Menstrual who?" "Men stroll around without a care in the world while you bleed like a slashed artery." Okay, that one needs a bit of editing. But you're an editor, right? Anyhow, I was thinking maybe twenty jokes or thirty jokes. They wouldn't even have to all be knock-knocks. I could do some riddles, too. Yeah.

Thanks again for inspiring this.

Sincerely,

Brock

Dear Brock.

No.

Sincerely,

Lindsay

Dear Lindsay,

Wow — you really are a great editor. By the time I got your letter, I realized that knock-knock jokes just didn't work. But it's not a total loss. They led me to a better idea. Limericks. Check this out.

There once was a girl with a tampon

Who said something something a cramp on

So she switched to a pad

Which just made her mad

Something something she put a stamp on!

It's not finished, but I wanted you to see where I was going. It doesn't have to use "stamp." Lots of other possibilities. I can whip up a couple dozen. Get back to me quickly — I'm in a creative frenzy. Can't wait to dive in.

Sincerely,

Brock

Dear Brock,

No. No. No. No. No.

Sincerely,

Lindsay

Dear Lindsay,

Damn. You know how few words there are that rhyme with "napkin"? I wish we hadn't taken this direction.

[Note — it was at this point that I came to my senses and stopped writing. Fanfic writers should feel free to take up where I left off. As for the anthology, I eventually wrote a story called "The Heroic Quest of Douglas McGawain," about a boy whose girlfriend sends him out to buy tampons. I love reading it to high school students.]

# PART FOUR: For writers

Whether you're a working or aspiring writer, you'll find plenty here to amuse and depress you.

## Oh, Grow Up

What to say to people who think writing for kids isn't real writing.

1. You're right — it isn't really writing. But I'll tell you a secret — the kids aren't really reading, so it all works out.

2. I feel incredible guilt every time I cash a check.

3. Yeah, but I get time to go out and play while the serious writers have to work on their 500-page manuscripts.

4. You're just saying that because you have to drive to work and I don't.

5. And for the life of me, I can't explain what ever came over E. B. White or C.S. Lewis or all those other real writers who slipped up and wasted their time writing for kids.

6. But the money is helping put me through law school so I can make the world a better place.

7. Are you sure? I mean, I'm using the same kind of paper that real writers use, and I even bought a laser printer. Darn, I thought it was real.

8. Oh, you're just saying that because you are incredibly stupid.

9. Who among us can say what is real...?

10. That's just a nasty rumor that got started because our alcoholism and suicide rate is so much lower than it is for the literary crowd.

11. You're absolutely right, and since you are obviously a real writer I hope you will stick to your principles and never write for children.

## The Top Ten Query Killers

Here's an assortment of phrases guaranteed to get a manuscript stuffed back into an SASE faster than you can say "multiple submission."

1. My grandchildren really loved it when I read it to them.

2. My neighbors all told me it should be published.

3. I figured you were tired of publishing junk, so I'm sending you this really great book.

4. My main character is an Afghanistan boy, but I don't know all that much about them. If you like the plot, I can go back and do some real research, if you think that's necessary. He could also be a Bedouin, I guess. Do Bedouin people have pet frogs?

5. Enclosed herein please find a copy of my fiction novel.

6. Here's my book. Please take a look. It all rhymes. Some times.

7. Once upon a time there was an author who wrote a great book.

8. Dear Editor....

9. Your really gonna like this book because it's story is very unique.

10. Hi remember me? We met at the national conference. I was in the stall next to you in the bathroom. I gave you some samples of my work. Remember?

## Letter to a Special Editor

Writers, wouldn't you love to send an editor a letter like this?

Dear Editor,

Thank you very much for submitting your proposed revisions to my manuscript. While I appreciate your efforts and understand the large investment of time involved in covering every single manuscript page with significant alterations in your own inimitable voice and style, I regret to inform you that your revisions do not meet my present needs. I wish you the best of luck using these revisions on some other manuscript, with some other writer, and I do hope you'll keep me in mind for future revisions, should you come up with something more suitable.

Sincerely,

The Author

## Publishing Trends

Edible books

The acquisition of a major publisher by Campbell's Soup (owners of Godiva Chocolates) will be celebrated with a limited edition publication of _The Chocolate War_ on actual chocolate — bittersweet, of course.

Edit-it-yourself books

This is a spin-off of the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure concept. As editors become even more pressed for time, some astute individual will realize that the reading public might actually pay for a chance to whitewash the fence. The books will be sold in manuscript format, in shrink wrap, along with a red pencil.

Multicultural horror

Vampire, werewolf, vampire, werewolf. It seems to be in a bit of a rut. Get ready for a wave of horrors from other cultures. I'm currently polishing my new horror novel, _Yenta_ , about a creature that pinches cheeks, wears nauseating perfume, and destroys everything in her path with a stream of gossip. (Alternate title — _The Knish of Death_.)

Series series

With the popularity of the series concept, publishers will lean toward series that can spawn other series. Look for _Kimmy and her Friends_ , followed by _Kimmy and Her Friend's Pets_ , followed by _Kimmy and Her Friend's Pet's Parasites_ , and then _Kids Who Aren't Kimmy's Friends But Know Who She Is_.

Whole-language books

Some graduate student who wasn't really paying attention is going to work his way into an editorial position and then insist that each book uses the whole language — every single word.

## My Most-Often Rejected Manuscripts

1. _Unleavened Lenny_ — the story of a matzo who wanted to be a communion wafer.

2. _The Coughing House_ — a retelling of _The Magic Mountain_ for early readers.

3. _President Snail on the Campaign Trail_ — a very charming story about a snail that gets elected but misses all his meetings.

4. 500 Favorite Poems about Pencils.

5. 499 Favorite Poems about Pens.

6. The Big Book of Poems about Crayons

7. _A is for A_ — an elegant minimalist alphabet book.

8. The Secret of the Robot Dinosaur Ghost Mummy — I was sure I'd spotted a trend.

9. _Have Fun with your New Phonograph_ — nonfiction, and maybe a bit dated.

10. _The Very Hungry Dung Beetle_ — I thought there might be a whole category here.

## Career Tips

10 ways to get on the road toward a career as a professional writer

1. Get a day job with a company that is destined for bankruptcy (the software industry is a good choice).

2. Study something useless in college. Don't learn anything that might lead to a paying job. Hint — many professional writers were once philosophy majors.

3. Develop the ability to live on oatmeal.

4. Get in shape with a wait-training routine. Go to the motor vehicle department and practice waiting in line. Pick the longest line at the market. Send for products that are back ordered. Learn to tell time by the changing of the seasons.

5. Don't waste time doing research — there are thousands of friendly folks on line who are eager to answer those tough questions about return envelopes, poetry doctors, and second serial rights. Why waste time when it is so easy to ask?

6. Make every minute count. Don't bother with things that don't pay. Avoid writing top-ten lists. They'll eat up all your time and drain your creativity.

7. Finish everything you start.

8.

9.

10.

## A Letter for My Fans

Hey, kids — in an effort to save time and postage (my time and your postage), I have written this letter that should provide a suitable response for all write-the-author assignments. Please feel free to print out a copy to bring to school.

Dear [your name],

Thank you for your letter. I'm glad you enjoyed [book title] so much that you decided to pick me for this assignment. I enjoyed learning three things you liked about my book. I like the cover a lot, too. It was also thoughtful of you to share three things you didn't like. You have the makings of a fine critic. As for your three questions, I get my ideas all sorts of ways, I have a cat, and yes, I am writing another book.

Sincerely,

David Lubar

## Children's Writing FAQ

Q: I've just written a children's book. Now what do I do?

A: Having mastered one area, it's best to move on. Artists stagnate if they stay still. Try composing a symphony or, if you have access to chisels and a large block of marble, think about creating a sculpture.

Q: No, I mean I wrote a children's book and now I want to get it published.

A: That's easy. All the research and legwork has already been done for you. Just find an online writer's group and post a question. The writers will be happy to do all your market research for you. That's why they're online. They'll also be delighted to get you the name and address of an editor, along with her home phone number. If you ask nicely, one of the writers might even come to the house and lick the envelope for you so you don't have to risk getting a paper cut on your tongue. Established professionals have very tough tongues.

Q: Do I need to find my own illustrator?

A: Heavens no. This is a common misconception created by the fact that in the old day many books had a separate author and illustrator. Technology has changed all that. Just make crude sketches of what you have in mind. Publishers have special software that can take any sketch, no matter how elementary, and turn it into finished art. They are currently working on similar software for written works, so pretty soon you won't have to worry too much about how your manuscript sounds when you send it out.

Q: How do I keep people from stealing my ideas?

A: The best approach is to submit work that doesn't contain any ideas. This way, you can relax while you wait for that exciting phone call from the editor.

Q: Should I mention how much my neighbor's kids loved my story?

A: Absolutely. This is crucial to the success of your marketing effort. If your neighbor has no children, feel free to lie. In today's competitive market, publishers even want to know how your neighbor's pets liked your book, especially pets of the mammalian class, though birds and fish aren't completely ignored.

Q. I'd like to quit my job. Can I make a lot of money writing children's books?

A. Certainly. Most children's authors are wealthy beyond their wildest dreams. In fact, they earn so much money that, for security purposes, they keep a low profile. That's why most people don't recognize the names of many of these writers. Even Bill Gates has been heard to say, "I guess I'm doing okay financially, but I sure wish I'd written a children's book instead of an operating system."

Q: Do I need an agent?

A: Certainly. Fortunately, there are many agents out there who specialize in handling writers who've just written a children's book. Even more fortunately, these agents advertise very actively, so they are easy to find. Look on the inside cover of writer's magazines and matchbooks. Look for someone with a nickname like "Lucky," "Sharky," or "Mister Book Doctor." Once you've gotten your first sale, you can dump this agent and get the guy who handles Tom Clancy.

## Kidlit News

Volume 1, Number 1

ALL PUBLISHERS MERGED

In a mass merger accomplished yesterday with the help of media mogul Ted Turner, every single publisher of children's book in the U.S. has merged into one company. The new entity, Pangaea Press, has announced that it will not consider simultaneous submissions.

DICTIONARY BANNED IN THREE MORE STATES

Felicity Dour, spokesperson for PAWN (Parents Against Words that are Naughty), triumphantly announced the removal of all dictionaries from classrooms in three more states. Calling the book, "Satan's toolkit," Ms. Dour read several samples of the kind of unacceptable filth that can be constructed from its contents.

NEW AGENCY OPENS

Jerry "Slick" Mucosa has announced a new literary agency specializing in fiction, nonfiction, and other stuff. Mucosa, formerly a font advisor for U-Pay-First Press, will look at manuscripts, outlines, or development notes. The agency charges reasonable expenses, including: photocopying, phone calls, telegrams, money orders, rent, gas, food, lodging, x-rays, tolls, dry cleaning, and bail. For nonfiction, the agency prefers an outline. For fiction, the agency prefers cash, but will take a check if the writer provides two forms of identification.

SMITH SETS SCHOOL VISIT RECORD

Children's author Roland Smith set a West Coast record this spring when he completed 60 school visits in one season. In an exclusive interview with Kidlit News, Smith revealed the secret to surviving such a rigorous schedule. "It's easy," he told our reporter. "I go at night."

ALA SITE CHANGED AT LAST MINUTE

After seeing survey results showing that San Franciscan's led the nation in overdue book fines, the ALA steering committee voted unanimously to move the conference. A new site hasn't been selected yet, but with more than a week to go, nobody is worried. We'll keep you posted.

EXPERTS PREDICT MORE LAYOFFS

Given the trend-following reflex in publishing, experts are predicting that most houses will announce layoffs even if they don't need to. "Hey," said Albert Mimic, head of children's books for Nextinline Press, "we don't want to miss out. Sure, someone else got there first, and we can't match their numbers, but on a percentage basis we can certainly achieve respectable figures."

" **ARTIST LICENSE" GETS A NEW MEANING**

Hot news from last week's licensing show in NY. Ron Popiele, king of infomercial gadgets, has inked a deal to allow his best products to star in a series of chapter books. Look for Denny the Dehydrator, Harry the Hair-in-a-can Man, and a host of other adorable characters. Competing for shelf space, other publishers are hitting back with _The Ginsu Gang, Juicer B. Jones_ , and _Breadman Forever_.

## Chat-Room Protocol

There have been some questions about how to deal with difficult people who disturb a chat. Please remember the following protocol:

Use ? to ask a question such as, "Why are you being such an idiot?"

Use ! to make a comment such as "You are an idiot."

Use * to signify that you have just spat at the idiot.

Use > to signify that you've thrown a knife at the idiot.

Use & to signify that you'd like to twist the idiot into a pretzel.

Use : to signify that you'd like to put two bullets into the idiot.

Use . to signify that one bullet would suffice.

Use $ to signify that you've sold a lot more books than the idiot.

Remember, if we fail to adhere to protocol, we degenerate into animals. The advantage to being animals, of course, is that we may end up in a picture book, speaking in rhymes.

## Freelance Market Update

Parapsychology Junior

Buys fiction and nonfiction covering all aspects of the paranormal.

Pays 10 cents a word, payable one week before submission of accepted manuscript.

Talking Squirrel Press

Picture books: though our list to date has exclusively featured stories about talking squirrels, we are cautiously open to other mammals, especially chipmunks and bunnies. Please make sure to use alliteration with all character names. No insects, pigeons, or unrepentant predators.

Middle grade novels: same as above, but longer.

Nonfiction: what's that?

Slambam Industries

This packager advises us they are looking for "a couple people who can write a whole lot of words real quick and don't mind not getting credit or paid very much for the first twenty or thirty books, but that after that the word rate goes up sorta." Currently producing _The Shelf Filler's Gang_ and _The Store Stuffer's Club_.

##

##

## What Editors Really Mean

The narrative voice, while intriguing, is somewhat atypical.

means

Your eight-year-old female main character sounds like a forty-two-year-old male writer having a mid-life crisis.

The tone is rather stilted.

means

Perhaps the idea of telling the story from the viewpoint of a piece of marble isn't the greatest idea.

It doesn't win in competition with others.

means

Even manuscripts from Famous Writer School dropouts were better.

The work seems derivative in many ways.

means

You really can't use the pen name R. L. Steen.

The characters aren't entirely believable.

means

Come on — the kid knows quantum mechanics and aikido?

Though undeniably compelling and a real page turner, the book just isn't right for us.

means

I don't know. I just wanted to crush your spirit. No hard feelings, right?

## Submission Impossible

Professional writers like I — I mean, such as me, that is, like I am — are often asked how someone gets published. In truth, there's no big secret to the process. I'll assume you've gotten an idea — be it for a wonderful picture book about talking carrots or a rollicking piece of journalism in the inimitable style of Hunter S. Thompson — and have already done the writing. All of that is pretty easy. Heck, anyone can write. I'm writing at this very moment while the TV is blaring and my cat is chewing on my ankle. No problem. I have a one friend who writes during her shock therapy sessions, and another who does all his writing while driving a tandem semi on cross-country hauls. (Hint — if you look in your rear-view mirror and see a truck with a bumper carrying the message, "Kerouac Rules," just pull over until he gets ahead of you.) So writing itself is no big deal. The trick is getting someone to buy your manuscript. And that's where the real art lie — in submission techniques. So, let me share some tips.

Avoid lost manuscripts:

Imagine this — the hopeful author mails off his manuscript and days go by without a word. Has it been rejected? Is it in a slush pile somewhere? Nope. Worse. It never got there. The weak glue on the envelope fell open and the manuscript slipped out. This happens all the time. According to a recent survey in _Professional Editor Magazine_ , ninety percent of the envelopes that arrive in the average publisher's office are empty. Don't become a statistic. Make sure to use at least three wraps of duct tape. Better yet, place the whole envelope in a large box, and cushion it on all sides with Styrofoam peanuts. For added security, nail the flap to a two-by-four.

Avoid lost pages:

Once a manuscript has arrived at the editorial office, there's a good chance one or more pages will get lost. We pros know better than to depend on a flimsy paper clip. In a professional manuscript, page one is stapled to page two. Page two is stapled, at a different spot on the margin, to page three, and so on. This method — technically known as a daisy-chain staple system — assures that no page will be lost.

Stay on top of things:

Sometimes, a writer will call after two or three months to check on the status of his manuscript. This is far too late in the procedure. Ideally, the first call should be made right after you mail your submission. This lets the editor know it is coming and guarantees that he will be on the lookout for it. Editors lead extremely boring lives, and rarely have anything to do. So they love getting phone calls. Make sure to do more than just chat for a moment. The editor may try to end the conversation quickly. Don't take this the wrong way. He knows that to a freelancer, time is money. He's just trying to be thoughtful. But be a sport and talk to the poor guy for a while. The longer a conversation you have, the better the editor will remember you. And, let's face it — editors are human. Now that you've made contact, he's much more likely to buy your manuscript.

See if it's been read:

Let's say you get your manuscript back. What can you do about that nagging suspicion that nobody ever read it? In the old days, writers would turn one page upside down before making a submission. If the page was still upside down when the manuscript returned, it was a sign that the submission hadn't been read. If the page was shredded, it was a sign that the editor didn't like that trick. Today's writer is much more subtle. Place a hair between the last two pages. For a page-by-page analysis, hi-tech solutions using modern DNA testing can be ordered from the ads at the back of _Writer's Digest_.

Send it in again:

Whether it's been read or not, feel free to resubmit your work. If you know in your heart that the piece is perfect for the market you selected, just keep trying. A manuscript that gets rejected one day will tickle the editor's fancy the next. A submission that is quickly dismissed on its first reading will, by the fifth or sixth time it passes the editor's eyes, strike him as wonderfully familiar. Be persistent. This piece wasn't accepted the first time I sent it in, or even the tenth. It took thirteen tries. But if that's what it takes, I'm willing to put in the effort. Heck, a couple dozen staples and some scrap pieces of two-by-four are a small price to pay for fame.

That pretty much covers all the basics. For those of you interested in advanced techniques, check my website for an article on safe methods for arc-welding the clasps of manila envelopes.

——-

David Lubar delivered this manuscript using the Don Corleon messenger service. He generally uses their Equus Express option, which guarantees overnight delivery and immediate acceptance. Their slogan: "We make you an author they can't refuse."

# PART FIVE: For YA fans

Librarians, teachers, book sellers, YA lit lovers, and YA writers, read on.

## MLS The Strange

You might not be a good candidate for library school if...

...you require both food and shelter on a regular basis.

...you think the Dewey system has something to do with lawn sprinklers.

...the phrase "perfectly bound" makes you giggle or blush.

...you can't cope with having every single person you meet ask you how often you say, "Shush."

...you can't drive a manual shift.

...you're puzzled by the success of Stephen King.

...you're puzzled by the success of R. L. Stine.

...you're not puzzled by the success of Bill O'Reilly.

...you don't feel a balanced diet is 90% oatmeal.

...teens frighten you.

## The History of Young Adult Novels

In 1951, J.D. Salinger, author of such action-packed works as "A Perfect Day for the Banana Bread," and _Franny and Zooooooey_ , creates a new genre with _Catcher in the Rye_ , spawning an industry frenzy for novels with red covers. Teachers rejoice, and celebrate this emerging literature by assigning _The Brothers Karamazov._ Also in 1951, three-year-old Chris Crutcher grows his first mustache. Ten years later, Harper Lee creates a YA classic that doesn't have a single YA character. A short time after that, S. E. Hinton, realizing that she's just as qualified as Salinger to go by her initials, writes several ground breaking YA novels while still in utero. Teachers across the land respond by assigning _Silas Marner._ Robert Cormier, feeling that Holden Caufield got off too easily, kicks the crap out of his characters. Things start to get interesting. Judy Blume and Stephen King write about girls getting their first period, with broadly different outcomes. Someone points out to M. E. Kerr that she also has two initials.

In the eighties, angst reigns supreme. During that decade, YA novels give us 837 rapes, 943 murders, 1,247 suicides, 12,457 dead parents, 19,382 dead pets, and three smiles. Legions of dogs are bred for the sole purpose of dying in the penultimate chapter. So many parents drown that the Red Cross steps in to offer free adult swim lessons to any interested fictional characters. Loneliness runs rampant -- nobody wants to be the main character's best friend because that's almost a guaranteed death sentence. During this period, I attempt to write books using my first two initials, but people misread the meaning of D. R. Lubar and hound me for amphetamine prescriptions.

The nineties bring us a huge diversity and bold experimentation. Characters get drunk, use bad language, and contemplate intercourse, just like Holden Caufield, but authors bravely use their whole first names. Except for J. K. Rowling, but then again she can do whatever she wants, even if it means that an entire generation of her book-toting fans will eventually suffer scoliosis. (One youngster was already tragically crushed when he tried to bring his entire Harry Potter collection to school in his back pack. This represents an alarming trend in page-count injuries affecting younger and younger kids. It used to be only Robert Jordan fans who got hurt. )

The next ten years should be just as exciting, especially when a wave of adult authors dives into YA novels, allowing teens to share the joys of deciphering enigmatic references, plotless meanderings epiphanies by the cart load, and the many other wonders of the finest literary and academic fiction. It's about time. There's no reason all of this joy should be the exclusive property of _New Yorker_ subscribers.

Beyond that, two or three decades hence, we'll see the end of the printed word as eBooks take over the world. Or as global warming raises the ambient temperature above 451 degrees Fahrenheit (which, as any science fiction fan knows, is the kindling temperature of banana bread). While the end of the printed word was also predicted by the advent of educational radio, educational television, personal computers, laser disks, computers, and Jim Carrey movies, the prognosticators are bound to be right sooner or later. If not this time, maybe next time.

## The Ban-Proof Bookshelf

Don't you just hate having your day interrupted to deal with a book challenge? Whether it's in the form of a shouting parent, a sign-waving picket line, or a smoldering pile of burning books setting off the sprinklers in the YA section, there's nothing like a protest to put a crimp in a peaceful afternoon spent monitoring Internet surfing or helping ninety-six eighth graders find information about some obscure prehistoric trilobite that nobody except their teacher has ever heard of. It might seem as if every book is going to offend some group. But that's not the case. There are some books that nobody could possibly object to. They are ban proof. It is our pleasure to provide the following list.

_Mommy Has Two Heathers_ — a touching story about a woman who is so startled to give birth to twins that she completely fails to come up with a second name and ends up calling them both "Heather."

_The Handmaid's Towel_ — a servant works hard to ensure there are no chapped fingers in her household.

_Where the Mild Things Are_ — To help his parents cope with the stresses of life, a teen crosses the country in search of the blandest food, tamest tourist spots, and least-threatening people. He stays in the right lane throughout the book.

_The Bluest Pie_ — Hijinks abound at the state fair bake-off when a young girl whose family has always made apple pies finds herself envying her neighbor's berries.

_Athletic Shirts_ — wrestlers work up an honest sweat.

_The Great Gilly Swimkins_ — Gilly is a fish. Gilly is happy. Gilly lives a wonderful life with her two devoted parents and nine thousand siblings. Gilly has an adventure and learns a valuable moral lesson. Glub, glub. Yawn, yawn.

_My Brother's Ham is Dead_ — a girl decides to test a vegetarian lifestyle after realizing the true meaning of meat. She does not force her opinion on others.

_Flowers for Algebra_ — a young math prodigy decides to brighten the classroom of his favorite subject with a bouquet of daffodils.

_Summer of my German Solder_ — a nerd builds his own computer, using the best components from all over the world.

_Huckleberry Fawn_ — an oddly colored deer takes a walk through the forest. Nobody shoots at her.

_Boy Meets Buoy_ — kids go for a swim. There is no horseplay, body contact, or Speedos. All characters remain in safe, shallow water throughout the story.

_We All Fall Dow_ — a history of Wall Street.

_Wheezie Bats_ — In this sequel to _Stella Luna_ , an adorable flock of winged mammals develops a minor respiratory condition. To their delight, they discover that the wheeze isn't a burden but an enhancement to their echo-location skills.

_Private Ports_ — Howard Stern discusses secluded places to dock a yacht.

_Lady Chatterley's Liver_ — a genteel cookbook, emphasizing the use of organ meats and fresh produce from the garden.

_The Story of O. Henry_ — coming in at a terse three pages, this is probably one of the shortest novels ever published (not counting those written in verse). Readers will love the twist ending.

_Killing Mr. Geffen_ — Teens form a garage band, and get a chance to perform for the owner of a major label. They're so good, they blow him away.

_IM the Cheese_ — a light fantasy about a boy who is mentored online by a ripe hunk of gorgonzola.

_Of Mycean Men_ — a tame look at guys on pots. Don't worry — they're just friends.

_One Flue Over the Couscous Nest_ — A pair of hard-working students spend the summer repairing the ventilation system of a Mediterranean restaurant in this multicultural romp.

## Newbery Scorecard

To all judges: in order to remove further controversy from the Newbery Award, and to avoid more negative articles in the Washington Post, we have established the following scoring system.
Section One: Death

Basic score:

For each death that occurs during the story (up to a maximum of 6), ADD 50 points.

Bonus areas:

Close relative +5 points

Pet +6 points

Kindly old coot +10 points

Werewolf -50 points
Section Two: Plotlines

Note — plot-driven books will generally be removed early in the screening process, so there's no need for concern. If one does slip through, apply the following scores.

If the plot involves:

Any sort of mystery: -50

Hard science -500

Nothing much at all +900
Section Three: Style

Since this is an award based on literary merit, style is the single most important factor in making the final decision.

Extended metaphors +20

Experimental techniques +40

Impenetrability +90

Stuff you've never seen before because you didn't take any lit courses in college + 3,000

## The Idiom's Guide to Book Talk

The other day, while recounting an incident that happened at work, my wife told a neighbor, "We had to shrink ten pounds of shrimp." From the perplexed look on the neighbor's face, I realized there might be some confusion. My wife wasn't working on a magic trick, doing special effects for a new Rick Moranis movie called _Honey, I Shrunk the Food,_ or deoxymoronizing jumbo shrimp. She was tossing expired seafood in the garbage. "Shrink" is part of the jargon of the food service industry. Every field has, and needs, its own jargon. Due to the specialized nature of its target audience, the articles in review magazines often contain phrases from the field of library science. But not everyone is a librarian. (And, sadly, if the budget slashers have their way, it will soon be more accurate to say that everyone is not a librarian.) In order help those of you who might not be familiar with certain terms, we present this guide to essential library lingo.

Circulation — what you lose in your legs if you kneel too long in front of the oversize shelf.

Media center — a technical term for the middle of the newspaper, also known as the "fold."

Fundamentalist — a book banner who reads everything he believes.

Dewey decimal — this term describes the condition of a math book that's been left on the lawn overnight.

Whole language — the contents of the Oxford English Dictionary

Rubric — any course material printed on a colorful cube with rotating parts.

Overdue — the status of decent funding for libraries

Reference section — hiding spot for the moron who feels he has the right to do the library's copy of the _Sunday Times_ crossword puzzle in ink.

ALA — state near FLA.

YALSA — location of a famous peace conference, according to several poorly proofed history texts.

YALSA-bk — listserve for librarians who hang out at Burger King.

VOYA — part of the catchy refrain in one of Carlos Santana's old songs.

Booklist — nautical term describing the condition of a ship that carries all its book on one side of the cargo hold.

Kirkus — high falootin' way to pronounce "carcass."

KLIATT — A Klingon word which translates roughly into the phrase "I've heard of it but I've never seen a copy."

Booklinks — an inexpensive brand of breakfast sausage made from 10% meat and 90% remaindered paperbacks.

Journal of the Center for the Book — review journal specializing in whatever happens in the midpoint of a novel.

Horn Book — magazine dedicated to the dense, hard, sharp, and pointy part of the bull, though not afraid to delve into other sections of the critter.

Mock Newbery — a traditional gathering in early winter, right after the ALA meeting, when bitter writers make fun of the winners.

Book Week — a wonderfully terse and slightly misspelled review.

ARC — the trajectory followed by a bound galley whose pages are so overwhelmingly filled with angst that the reader, in an act of self preservation, has tossed it across the room.

Film strip — depending on context, either an old form of visual media or the best scenes from the movie _Gypsy_.

Microfiche — Cajun term for baby guppies.

## Cinem-YA

Hollywood seems smart enough to go to wonderful books for source material, and then stupid enough to make lots of changes. (Anyone see the movie version of Shiloh? I rest my case.) Our correspondents inside the major studios have reported a slew of plot changes in next season's theatrical releases, some of which seem to be tied to cross promotions and product placement. As always, we are the first to bring you the news.

Lord of the Flies

Instead of talking, the pig head on a stick sings the title song. Elsewhere in this remake, Ralph and Jack battle each other for the attention of Evangeline Lilly, who appears on the island for reasons that are never clearly explained. The day is saved when Piggy stumbles across a Pearl Vision Center.

The Giver

Rather than ending with an ambiguous sled ride through a frozen wasteland, the film comes to a climax when the main character and the baby go for a couple of turns on Space Mountain.

The Catcher in the Rye

Instead of his identity, Holden searches for his father's Porsche, which was stolen when Holden borrowed it without permission. As for the catcher, he'll be standing in a field of Triscuits.

The Great Gilly Hopkins

As Gilly is being dragged away, she clutches at a book of poetry. It falls open and a document drops out proving that she is really Mrs. Trotter's daughter. The shock is so great, it restores Mr. Randolph's sight. Laughing with joy, they all head for McDonald's.

Hatchet

Brian befriends the porcupine, names him "Stickums," and the adorable critter shows up on fast food cups across the country. Our hero then uses his Craftsman multipurpose tool to construct a bi-plane and fly to the North Pole, where he meets the voice talents of Tom Hanks and Keneau Reeves.

Blueberries for Sal

Oliver Stone has purchased the movie rights to this beloved tale. The resulting three-hour film will focus mostly on the conspiracy between Sal and the bear, along with new evidence that there was a mastermind possum orchestrating the action from a hidden spot on the other side of the grassy knoll. Or, if not a possum, perhaps a mole.

Slaughterhouse Five

Another remake. Compounding his problem of being lost in time, Billy Pilgrim finds himself also lost in The Mall of America. True to the lighthearted nature of the source novel, the movie ends happily when our resourceful hero uses his spatial and temporal quandaries to take care of all his gift shopping for the rest of the decade.

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time

While trying to solve a mystery, Christopher wanders into a casino. After an exciting scene at the blackjack tables, and a weird encounter with Katie Holmes, he leaves Atlantic City with enough money to buy pets for everyone on his block.

The Wind in the Willows

This lavish, 200-million-dollar production, funded by Mel Gibson, stays fairly true to the original story. However, all dialogue will be spoken in the native language of the animals. And in the controversial ending, which has earned the film an NC-17 rating, the entire cast is torn to pieces by alligators.

## A Gathering of Lists

I have had the good fortune on occasion to speak to groups of librarians or teachers. (The most common occasion being the last-minute disappearance of the scheduled speaker or the sudden realization that the budget doesn't allow for both Danish pastries and a well-known writer.) While I'm capable of speaking at great length on such topics as my early childhood, my favorite brand of pen, or the adorable habits of my cat, I've discovered one subject that has much broader appeal — book lists. In this article, I'd like to share some of my favorite lists.

At the 2001 IRA convention in New Orleans, I was invited to speak on a program that featured a Pulitzer-Prize-winning playwright and a child genius who penned his first book at the age of three. I, on the other hand, had once seen a Pulitzer-Prize-winning play, and had begun chewing on books at the age of two. As the day approached, my mind kept flashing back to the vice presidential debates of a decade ago when the audience gazed in puzzlement at Ross Perot's running mate, Admiral James Stockdale, as he stood on stage with Dan Quayle and Al Gore. _Who is he? Why is he here?_ _Can I duck out for a sandwich while he's speaking?_ Knowing that most conventions draw a local crowd, I figured my only hope of holding the audience was to offer a truly regional book list. Thus was born The Best Kid's Books About New Orleans:

_Emeril's New Clothing_ — a retold folk tale about a chef who is so flashy that his patrons fail to notice there's hardly any food on their plates.

_One Eyed Catfish,_ about a boy who befriends a fish he's accidentally blackened.

Maurice Sendak gives us _Chicken Soup with Ann Rice_. Drain me once, drain me twice, feed me chicken soup, Ann Rice.

A young lady lost in the woods survives by imagining she's watching Food TV in _The Girl who Loved Paul Prudhom_.

Lastly, a controversial book about the former governor — _Huey Longstockings._

By the way, in answer to the question, Why am I here?, I usually explain that I'm Walter the Giant Storyteller's body guard or Bruce Coville's stunt double. Neither of which is true, but it's more interesting than pointing to the table of Danish pastries and saying, "Were it not for me, you'd be eating toast."

My venture to ALA in San Francisco put me in the midst of even loftier company. I was part of a day-long YALSA pre-conference on a program with people who write thick books that sell in the trillions. I considered calling my talk, "Your Chance to Go to the Bathroom." Fortunately, I was able to dig up a list. Going with the regional approach once again, here are The Best Kid's Books About San Francisco:

_Hans Brinker and the Golden Gates_ — A sad story about a speed skater who straps tons of metal to his feet and loses every race he ever enters.

_Catherine Called Birdman_ — A biography of the only female prisoner ever sent to Alcatraz. She served a twenty year sentence as punishment for doing a really bad impression of Burt Lancaster.

_And to Think That I Saw It on Lombard Street_ — This tale of a boy who takes his skateboard down the forty-degree slope of the crookedest street in the world consists of the single word, "Whoooaaaaaa!" stretched across 32 pages of blurred illustrations.

This is not to say that all of my book lists are geographically based. If a conference takes place near a holiday, I try to offer a relevant selection. During NCTE's ALAN conference at the end of November several years ago (where, if I recall correctly, I was sandwiched between a Newbery winner and the channeled spirit of Beatrix Potter), I shared the following list:

The Best Kid's Books About Thanksgiving:

_The Ear, the Eye, and the Drumstick_ — in typical waste-not want-not Puritan tradition, this book offers a fabulous collection of recipes for those leftover and rarely-used parts of the turkey.

_Cranberries for Sal_ — in which a young girl realizes that her life is bogging down.

_The Very Hungry Relatives_ — a horror novel that might be upsetting to younger readers.

_The Jelly Postman_ — in similar fashion to Frosty, a tale of a civil servant sculpted from cranberry jelly by a bored lad and animated by some unspecified magic.

_The Noshing House_ — actually more concerned with the day after Thanksgiving, but extremely satisfying and fulfilling.

_Fowl Moon_ — a youngster learns a lesson about shopping at outdoor markets with bad lighting and, after bringing home a duck instead of a turkey, tries to defend her actions with all sorts of poultry excuses.

_Jeremy Thatcher, Turkey Hatcher_ , in which a boy establishes a telepathic link with a turkey and discovers it has no thoughts whatsoever.

Any situation can inspire a list. For example, one of the features of Pennsylvania's Keystone State Reading Conference is an Author Tea. During this event, each author is given three minutes to speak. (Except for the least interesting person, who always seems to need much longer.) Never one to let a topic go unseized, no matter how trivial, I devoted my three minutes to an appropriate list. (Actually, I managed to do it in two minutes, and made some nice money selling my remaining time to a guy who felt compelled to share his latest novel with the crowd.) Here are the Best Kid's Books About Beverages:

_Harry Stoner and the Sorcerer's Pot_ — in which a young orphan discovers he's inherited the magical ability to brew a perfect cup of tea.

That wonderful old series, _The Case Files of Nancy Brew_ , detailing the exploits of girl who solves crimes that occur in her father's cappuccino bar.

Also for series fans, there's _The Baby Snifters Club_ , featuring a new character named Brandi.

_My Side of the Mountain Dew_ — a chilling story about a girl who finds the courage to share her soda.

There's that endearing classic, _Goodnight Moonshine_ , about cute, fuzzy creatures that live under an abandoned still and sleep a whole lot.

From Katherine Paterson, there's _Deer Park's Quest_ — a kid gets up for a drink of bottled water in the middle of the night and finds himself searching for the grail.

Disney, of course, managed as always to hop on a trend, coming out with a movie novelization, _Latte and the Tramp_ , featuring a character who strongly resembles Charlie Chaplin.

And, tackling a tough topic, there's Judy Blume's _Are You There God? It's Me, Margarita,_ where a girl who's just gotten her first fake ID tries to choose between going to church or doing shots of tequila at a really fun Mexican restaurant.

Lists can also be based on broader categories. Having focused on fiction so far, it seems only fair to include the best nonfiction books of the year.

_The Bridges of Terabithia County_ — a photo-essay about places that never existed.

_Walk One Moon_ — a daring and somewhat-risqué homage to the thong.

_Fun with Bruce and Jane_ — a picture book recounting the writing of _Armageddon Summer_.

_Spackle_ — both a home-repair manual and the sequel to _Holes_.

Finally, to thank those who've stayed with me to the very end, I'd like to offer something old and something new. For the old, I humbly offer my favorite book list of all.

This list requires a brief word of explanation. In a move to fight escalating paper costs, one of the nation's top packagers, Gimmick Press, has introduced a series of Double Novels. Each book combines two well-loved classics in one affordable mass-market edition. Here's a look at the top of the list:

_The Lion, the Witch, and the Rats of Nimh_ — escaping from a research lab, these brilliant rats run through a cupboard and find themselves in a magical land where a good lion is battling an evil witch. Despite their intelligence, the rats never manage to figure out that even a good lion likes a snack now and then.

_Maniac Matilda_ — sort of a grade-school version of _Carrie_ , this is the story of a precocious telekinetic who loses control after being taunted for her poor performance in a game of Huckle Buckle Bean Stalk.

_A Wrinkle in Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler_ — A spunky girl, caught in an intergalactic time kink, finds herself miniaturized and trapped in the face of an eccentric dowager. Can she escape before a visit to a plastic surgeon erases the wrinkle?

_The Indian Giver in the Cupboard_ — already banned in several school districts because of its politically-incorrect title, this futuristic tale takes us to a society where all memories have been removed from the minds of the people and stored in plastic action figures. In an ambiguous climax, the reader must decide whether the figures have indeed been accidentally melted in the clothes dryer or whether they managed to escape to a land where ideas are freely exchanged.

_Aliens Ate My Blue Dolphin_ — This one defies description.

_Charlotte's Hatchet_ — despite a lack of opposed digits, a clever piglet masters the use of tools, making him a popular attraction amongst the locals and an eventual favorite on the state-fair circuit.

_Lord of the Blubber_ — a group of hefty rich kids on the way to a summer weight-loss camp end up stranded on an island. They quickly break up into two factions — one working for survival, the other turning savage and worshipping the graven image of the dual demigods Twix and Snickers. Eventually, a pubescent multi-theist named Margaret wanders onto the scene and explains everything to them. They break her glasses.

_Shiloh Everlasting_ — a beagle lives to the ripe old age of thirty, which is pretty close to an eternity in dog years.

_Amber Brown Is Not a Midwife_ — the tale of a young girl who comes up with an unusual project for Career Day.

Lastly, here's a brand new list. Since I doubt I'll ever get to speak at half time during the Super Bowl, or any other occasion involving physical effort, allow me to share it in these pages. The Best Sports Books for Kids:

_Weetzie Bats Last_ — a post-modern fairy tale about a girl who copes with the harrowing aspects of life by joining a softball team, and then wishes she wasn't stuck at the bottom of the batting order. Her wish comes true in a surprising way when she gets benched.

_Cloudy with a Chance of Fastballs_ — things grow dicey in the town of Dodge and Wallow when a plague of baseballs zips through at 90 miles an hour.

_Remembering Mays_ — a girl learns all about the time her grandfather got to see Willie Mays play ball. Or maybe it was Willie Stargel. Or some other Willie. Anyhow, they talk about it, then go for a ride.

_Dinker Hockey Shoots Smack_ — a story of a girl who is skating on thin ice until she discovers she has a great slap shot. Readers will also enjoy the sequel, _The Great Goalie, Hopkins._

_Catcher in the Raw_ — maladjusted Holden gets to play his favorite position, but is ejected from each game for bad language.

_That Was Then, So Is This_ — a nice history of the instant replay.

And that's it for now. Or then. Or whatever. I'm listless. If you have a chance, please look for me at your next conference. I'll be the guy standing next to the Danish.

## Pssst — Wanna Buy a Book?

Beware of knockoffs. Just as the unwary consumer can be conned into buying a Rollox watch or a Panasophic stereo from a dishonest street vendor, it's now possible to be duped into purchasing a book that only appears to be the real thing. (Quick tip — if the ink from the cover comes off on your hands, you're probably holding a fake.) As a service to our readers, here is a list of the most frequently seen knockoff titles.

_Island of the Blue Dauphin_ — a depressed heir to the French throne takes a vacation in Crete.

_The Caning Season_ — a girl goes to Singapore, misbehaves, and gets a whupping.

_Number the Stores_ — Walmart opens store 2357 in East Wexland. Residents of West Wexland eagerly await store 2358.

_Never Trust a Deed Man_ — hijinks abound in this tale of real-estate scams.

_Lard of the Fries_ — a girl spends a gross summer cleaning out the grease traps at a fast food joint.

_The Lord of the Rungs_ — complete mishmash about some guy who tap dances on a step ladder.

_Hatchit_ — a wily lad, stranded on a farm, learns to sit on eggs.

_Hatcheck_ — a wily lad, stranded in Manhattan, must survive on the tips he earns while working in the coat room of the Metropolitan Museum.

_Hatchoo_ — a wily lad, stranded in the woods on a chilly night, catches a cold.

_The Slav Dancer_ — a biography of Barishnikov.

_The Moss Hart Season_ — a girl studies very hard to get a part in The _Man who Came to Dinner_.

_Duing It_ — a librarian spends her days determining the date when books have to be returned.

_Maniac Magi_ — a trio of astrologers run wild after getting hopped up on frankincense.

_The Beagle and Me_ — a girl spurns all other manner of pets for the company of a dilapidated dog.

_Everything on a Waddle_ — misguided teens pile all sorts of stuff on top of their pet duck, with tragic results.

_Rabble Starsky_ — an unauthorized and unflattering biography of Paul Michael Glaser.

_Whale Talc_ — deranged triatheletes break training to swear, drink, and spend their days powdering a large marine mammal.

_The Princess Dairies_ — a bored member of the royal family decides to raise cattle and make cheese.

_Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Mazatlan_ — our favorite young wizard runs afoul of authorities while on vacation.

_Bridge to Tarabithia_ — a touching civil-war saga about two youngsters who find and renovate a burned mansion.

_Are You There, God? It's Me, Magritte_ — A Belgian surrealist paints God only know what.

_The First Part Lost_ — We're not sure. Chapters 1 - 10 are missing.

## TV or Not TV

If you can't beat 'em, absorb 'em. After years of struggling to lure kids away from the television, publishers finally figured out that they needed to put more television into books. We already have dozens of series based on popular shows. Going a step further, publishing houses have unleashed a wave of serious hardcover works spawned by popular programs. Here's a look at the latest releases.

CSI Am the Messenger

Kids can't get away with anything these days. It seems like someone is always watching.

American Idols of the King

Historical fiction meets time travel in a tale starring Elvis and a bunch of knights.

The Killer's Cousin It

This Addams Family spin-off involves a teen who discovers he's related to a murderous mound of hair.

Whale Talk Soup

Swimmers take turns hosting a show on the Entertainment Network.

Iron Man Chef

Triatheletes compete to see who can make the tastiest meal. Today's secret ingredient — sweat!

Star Search Girl

A free-spirited lass enters a grueling competition to become a celebrity spokesperson.

South Park's Quest

Cartman searches for his father.

Juni B. Blue

New York's youngest cop gets involved in a gritty case involving scary clown dolls.

Bud, Not Bundy

The son on Married with Children tries to live down his last name.

The Oh-Really? Factor

The first volume of a new series of low-budget reference works where all the facts are guaranteed to be wrong.

The Westwing Game

In this interactive mystery, readers try to figure out who killed the series.

Coraline in the City

A perky cartoonist moves to Manhattan and learns to draw buttons for eyes.

## Degeneration X

It sure seems that the world of young adult fiction is getting pretty edgy. Murder, rape, drugs, graphic sex. And that's just at the publishers' cocktail parties. Can it get any darker and more depraved? Yup. We're not anywhere near the bottom of this lubricated slope. As always, we're the first on the scene, with a look at the next wave of edgy YA books.

Rambo Party

Each girl gets a bow and a quiver of colored arrows. Each boy gets shot repeatedly. Once all the arrows have been shot, the boy who looks the most like St. Sebastian wins five minutes in a closet with the paramedic of his choice.

The Ear, the Eye, and the Arm, and the Other Arm, and the Legs

A troubled teen takes a chainsaw to his dad in this sequel to _I Dismember Mama._

The Whipping Girl

A rags-to-riches story from award winning writer, Kinky Flieshman. After losing control of her pompoms at a pep rally, a teen girl discovers a new way to raise money for college.

Baking the Sarge

An ingenious boy cooks up a way to escape the harassment of his demanding mother and also help ease hunger in his neighborhood.

The Bock Thief

Narrated by Inebriation himself, the story begins when a nine-year-old Liesel filches her first Pilsner at a wake. Soon, she's snatching hefeweizens, alts, and bocks in an attempt to quench her bottomless thirst. As the tale winds its way to her inevitable liver failure, readers will be gripped by Inebriation's sober narration.

Dear Mr. Hacksaw

A teacher assigns her class the task of writing to a serial killer. Writers everywhere heave a sigh of relief.

Endometrial Spring

While visiting Oxford, young Blake stumbles across one piece of a fabled, perfect intrauterine birth control device. The next thing he knows, he's at the center of a world-wide century-spanning battle between the ancient forces of those eternal enemies, Obgyn and Wildmon.

Inkhurt

A girl gets tattooed all over her body. Every inch. Ouch.

Bearing Spirit Touch

After being banished to an island that is teeming with supernatural entities, a psychic teen girl has sex with a ghost and then carries its baby.

Torch Me

Troubled by the aftermath of an affair with her teacher, a confused girl sets him on fire.

The Perks of Being a Pallbearer

Geeky, shy Charlie discovers a newfound sense of worth when he's asked to help carry his friend's coffin. Over the ensuing months, as he strives to feed this need deep within himself, he kills off his few remaining friends. When they run out, he murders casual acquaintances, strangers, and, finally, in a metafictional twist, the readers.

The Hello Goodbye Widow

A lonely woman, overcome by the loss of her spouse, has a meaningless fling with a new stranger every night.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Thong

It looked so sexy, but it just wouldn't stay put.

## Bards and Nobles Editions

Shakespeare is timeless. Here are some recent adaptations of his work.

Orson Scott Card will be adapting The _Merchant of Venice_ for young readers. The book will be called _Lender's Game._

The tragic story of _Hamlet_ will be retold by Ophelia and her pals in _Sisterhood of the Traveling Prince_

A version of Macbeth for very young children: _See Spot Drip_

_King Lear_ will be recast in a graphic novel with a population of felines and half the violence of the original: the edgy, dark work will be called _One Eyed King_

There'll be a novelization of _Sex and the City_ , focusing on Carrie's shopping passions, called _The Taming of the Shoe._

There'll be a tragedy that is unique in the annals of literature. It's the only one where nobody dies. The characters all survive because everyone knows what is going to happen. Set in Egypt, it will be called _Anthony and Miss Cleo_

Getting back to teen angst and death, there will be a drug laden teen novel — _Much Ado About Huffing._

The GLTBQ shelf well get a new member with the arrival of _Titus Androgynous_.

In breaking news, Chris Crutcher has agreed to modernize _A Midsummer Night's Dream_. According to a spokesperson for the popular YA writer, he's eager to see how many times he can use the name "Puck."

## Hail, Geezer!

Wow — there sure are a lot of books set in the fifties and sixties. Coincidentally, there sure are a lot of writers in their fifties and sixties. Far be it from us to resist leaping on a trend. We scoured the country, listening for the clack of typewriter keys or the skritch of a fountain pen against a yellow pad, and managed to assemble a venerable assortment of writers who are eager to tell tales to the youth of today. The results totally blew our minds. We're proud to unveil our newest line of cutting edge YA Fiction — NostalgYA.

Smart Kid Slide Rules the World

A despondent, overweight math prodigy is rescued from despair when he is tutored in the art of the slip stick by a semi-insane M.I.T drop out who bears a startling resemblance to Kurt Gödel. Things grow tense when he panics at the thought of entering the mathathon. In the end, his father saves the day by buying him a calculator.

The Tale of Rospereaux

A mousy entrepreneur lusts after Princess PC and starts his own high-tech company, using his passion for food to create the world's first souper computer. The tale takes a weird twist when he ventures into politics.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Wilburys

Various young musicians share ownership of a pair of sunglasses once worn by the late Roy Orbison. These glasses are so magical they even fit the girl with the really big head. The story turns grim and edgy as the sisterhood discovers the shades only allow them to see the world through a glass darkly. But that's the way they like it. Uh huh. Uh huh.

EraGone

In this fantasy anthology, a bunch of writers fill their stories with references to stuff from the past that nobody in the target audience has ever heard of since none of it is around anymore. Standout stories include, "The Haunted Phonograph," "Running off to Canada," and "The Day I Met Dorothy Kilgallen."

Pippi Woodstockings

A wild girl with awesome hair and no parental supervision leaves home to attend a music festival featuring some of the grooviest acts on the planet. As she listens to Country Joe and the Fish give it to the man, she comes to realize that there are more important things in life than taking mud baths with strangers.

The Eyes of Kid Midol

A teen stumbles across magical glasses that make anyone he stares at extremely regular, but at a frightening cost to his own health.

A Southern Light

Kids discover a black and white television that receives programs from the fifties. As they bask in the glow of Ann Southern, they realize the world has become a very confusing and dangerous place.

The Outcasts of 2600 Atari Place

After getting kicked out of summer camp, Margaret spends the summer with her great uncles. She starts to help them with their problems, but gets distracted when she discovers a primitive but addicting video game in the attic. She sits mesmerized for hours, playing _Freeway, Fishing Derby, Pac Man_ , and other awesome titles, blithely unaware that tragedy has struck in the next room. Her uncles have fallen and they can't get up.

Gathering Blue Laws

Kira and her pals are depressed that the clothing stores are closed on Sundays. They try to drown their sorrows, but the bars are closed, too.

## More Double Novels

_Speak of the Devil_ — A high school girl gives birth to a demonic child in Laurie Halse Anderson's humorous homage to Rosemary's Baby.

_Breathing Under Milkwood_ — As punishment for slapping his girl friend, Nick is banished to a Welsh Coal Mining town filled with people who are even nastier than he is.

_Hansel and Grendel_ — A young boy fights a monster. He loses.

_The Day Jimmy's Boa Ate the Skellig_ — A pet snake takes care of a pesky visitor and doesn't have to eat again for five months.

_Charlie and the Chocolate War_ — When virtuous young Charlie attempts to change Willie Wonka's marketing strategy, he gets beaten to a pulp by Oompa Loompas.

_No More Dead Wringers_ — A boy notices that in most books about pigeons, the bird dies.

## Tales from the Melting Pot

Once upon a time, every character in YA lit was a rich, white, adolescent male in an exclusive private school. His name was Holden Caufield. Or Gene Forrester. Or maybe Phineas something or other. But that was then, and this is later. Just as the world eventually realized that not every doll should have blonde hair, blue eyes, and a 42-inch bust, the publishing industry eventually awakened to the need for books that delve into a variety of cultures. Initially, many of the multicultural books focused on just one culture. That was a wonderful start, but it isn't enough. We are a melange, a stew, a casserole, a poem, a stink, a... Oops. Hang on. Sorry. Got some Steinbeck caught in my teeth. Where was I? Oh yeah. We are a melting pot. So, in the true meaning of the word, and in a quest for world harmony, the multicultural books listed below don't focus on one race, religion, or group, but offer an elegant mix of mingled cultures.

_I Am Morgan la Bamba_ — A Celtic sorceress finds a new career when her chanting ability lands her a singing gig in a Richie Valens tribute band.

_The Dumb Luck Club_ — Amelia Bedelia learns to play ma jong and makes a killing in the social clubs of Chinatown.

_Oy_ — An Israeli, traveling through Norway in search of the perfect piece of lox, crosses paths with a young Roald Dahl. Sadly, they don't get along.

_Anglos, Thugs, and Full Frontal Mugging_ — American street gangs of various hues take a trip to London, where they collide in a turf battle with the local chav crowd and have a right propper bang up tizzy of a time. Eh, what?

_A Long Way from Chicano_ — A young Mexican transfer student struggles with cultural differences as she comes of age in Brussels.

_Hmong the Brave_ — In this sequel to _Hmong the Hidden_ , a southeast Asian refugee comes out of hiding, is befriended by Native Americans, and is made an honorary member of their tribe.

_The House of the Accordion_ — Warsaw's teen accordion champ wins a trip to Central America, where he is forced to play polkas for 14 hours a day to entertain the workers in the poppy fields.

_The Color Paisley_ — Fleeing an abusive relationship, an African American girl finds acceptance, and gorgeous fabric, in a small town in Scottland.

_JuMangia_ — In this latest homage to Romeo and Juliet, a Jewish boy and an Italian girl follow their hearts, defy their feuding families and, eventually, bring peace to their Bronx neighborhood by opening a multicultural deli.

_Kira Loora Loora_ — An Asian girl learns an Irish lullaby that causes anyone who hears it to sicken and die.

[Note: Due to the sensitive nature of this piece, I showed it ahead of time to people from a variety of cultures to determine whether anyone found it to be offensive. Sadly, nobody did.]

## License to Steal

Merchandised books have always been one of the mainstays of publishing. The formula is simple: find a popular movie, TV show, toy, beverage, or other product, cut a deal for a license, hire a writer, and then fire up the presses. Now, as the battle for shelf space grows fiercer, publishers have taken the technique a step further. Reasoning that a hit book already has a built-in audience, they've started to combine popular novels with merchandisable products. The result? Read on.

The Watsons Go to Disneyland

Having achieved a great deal of fame thanks to their appearance in a novel, the Watsons decide it's time for a really fun family vacation.

Beezus and Butthead

Ramona's little brother falls in with the wrong crowd. Things blow up. Not for the squeamish.

Staying Fat for Sarah Lee

A girl turns to cheesecake to help her deal with the tragedies of life.

Fever 90210

A harrowing tale, set in a colonial suburb of Los Angeles. The whole town is caught up in a heated frenzy of shopping as the new summer fashions hit the shelves.

This Buds for You, Rachael Robinson

Rachael has mixed feelings about her unstable brother. He ruins her life and destroys the family. On the other hand, he's the only person she knows who's old enough to buy beer for her and her friends.

Rats Saw Gotterdammerung

With the help of a guidance councilor, a troubled teen works out his problem by writing an excruciatingly long Germanic opera.

Dear Mr. Coffee

A student writes a series of letters to his favorite small appliance. He never gets an answer.

Leave It to Zachary Beaver

A clean-cut kid gets in trouble with his hefty new friend but is forgiven by his even cleaner-cut parents.

Blood and Chiclets

A girl bites her lip while chewing gum.

Ender's GameBoy

Young Andrew is given his very own hand-held video game, unaware that it is actually connected to a real guy named Mario.

## Who Put the "Dull" in Adult?

Okay, there are a couple good adult books out there, but as any teen will tell you, most of the works offered to grownups just aren't relevant to the interests of younger readers. Face it — until Stephen King came along, the whole body of work created by adult award winning authors was as pleasant to wade through as leech-infested swamp water. But young adults yearn for a taste of the mature world. Once again, we've come to the rescue. We've taken some of the hottest adult books of recent years, along with a smattering of beloved classics, and retooled them just a teensy squoosh so they're brimming with youth appeal. Here's a rundown of our first releases.

The Da Vinci Coed

A hot Italian transfer student moves into the dorm. Others on her floor are convinced there are secret messages encoded in the marks left by the heels of her Manolo Blahnik shoes. Eventually, she is unmasked as a member of the stuperatti, an ancient order sworn to destroy all forms of rational thought and reasoning by making vapid statements, watching every show on the WB network, and giggling constantly.

Madame Ovary

A teen, strapped for cash, agrees to become a surrogate mother for a childless French couple. Though they cater to her every whim, she remains surly and petulant.

The Life of American Pi

The son of a baker begins a dualistic search for the ideal faith and the most comforting pastry. When he gets lost at sea with only a peach cobbler, a cherry tart, and a Boston cream pie, he learns an important lesson about survival and the danger of high-carb relationships.

I, Claudia

Supermodel Schiffer passes along beauty tips and shows today's teens how to craftily feign a lack of intellect in order to avoid being poisoned by envious rivals.

The Brothers Kournikova

Three Russian dudes with confusing names squander their inheritance on radical surgery so they can look just like their favorite tennis player. While they're distracted by long sessions of gazing at themselves in a mirror, their demented fourth brother finds fame and fortune when he starts his own emo band, eventually ending up as an aging VJ on MTV.

Rave New World

Nonstop music, beautiful people, flashing lights, a room full of foam, designer drugs — is it really a paradise? Packaged with a CD single featuring the Boy George comeback hit, Soma Soma Soma Chameleon.

The Mayflower Modem

An alternate-history novel that speculates on how the voyage to America would have differed if the pilgrims had access to AOL. Trouble brews when William Bradford is busted for illegally downloading illuminated manuscripts. Things really heat up when John Alden learns to use emoticons.

East of Sweden

A group of American exchange students with biblical names go to Finland in search of good and evil. Finding very little of either, they fill their luggage with premium vodka and return home.

The South Park Diet

The first weight-loss program exclusively for teens. Rather than focusing on nutritional elements or lifestyle changes, this radical approach shows how to control your appetite by being constantly grossed out. The book includes a discount coupon for a set of Eric Cartman dinner plates.

The Five People You Meet In Seven Eleven

A boy working summers as a convenience store clerk chokes to death on a tortilla chip, meets a bunch of dead people, and learns how his life affected nobody at all.

The Seabiscuit Eater

A loveable hunting dog develops a fondness for heroic horse flesh.

## Teen Titles

Look, it's not cool to be walking around with a copy of Pat the Bunny when all your friends are pretending to read Henry Miller or Toni Morrison. But, like fluffernutter sandwiches and Saturday morning cartoons, some kid stuff is too good to give up just because you've crossed an arbitrary age threshold. We hear you. And we've done something about it. We've acquired revision rights to some of the greatest picture books of all times, along with your favorite chapter books and a middle school classic or two, and hired the top writers in the business to create young adult versions, adding a dark, edgy tone with plenty of tragedy, pain, and all that other stuff teens crave. Since it comes from us, you can depend on finding the hippest, groovy teen lingo and all that jive. Phat diggity! We so relate to you. Now kick back, chill out, and check out a preview of our list. Oh — by the way, if you want to nominate any of these books for Teen's Top Ten, that would be fine with us, too.

Sideways Stories from the Halfway House

Halfway house isn't like other houses. The architect was strung out and only sketched half the plans. The builder was too wasted to notice. Come read about the wacky residents.

Stoned Soup

In this updated version of the classic folk tale, a group of teens get the munchies after smoking too much pot. So they put some water on the stove and make soup with whatever ingredients they can find. The next day, waking bleary eyed around noon, they discover that all the tropical fish are missing.

Goodnight, Reverend Moon

A whole bunch of lost teens join a cult, get married, then go to sleep in one gigantic bed.

The Huffing House

More sleepy teens.

The Dead Pony

Steinbeck at his grimmest. A pony finds a pearl and risks his life to take it to California. Sadly, the pony dies in a dust storm. As the book closes, a mob of deconstructionist professors appear with flails. They whip the dead horse.

Love You For Money

A teenage boy, weirded out by his over-protective mother, discovers that other middle-aged women are also interested in his affection, and willing to pay a good price for it.

Heidi, Ho

A teenage girl, bored with her life in the mountains and her over-protective grandfather, discovers pretty much the same thing.

Budgie the Little Hell Copter

This popular series from the former Duchess of York has been redone by the Duchess of Yuck. In volume one, a plucky chopper gets possessed by the devil and goes after the House of Lords. The world is saved when a stocky Weight-watchers dropout dives inside, causing Budgy to plummet to the ground faster than sales of a Britney Spears novel. The end? Hardly.

Mr. Popper's Poppers

More drug abuse.

Raggedy Ann and Barbie

Tired of living a lie, Barbie comes out of the toy chest, revealing that she's a brunette, has a degree in chemical engineering from M.I.T., and has carried on a secret affair with America's favorite redhead since they met at the Dusseldorf Toy Faire in 1972. The two buy an old school bus and go on a cross-country journey of discovery which comes to a tragic end when the volatile Ann leans too close to a campfire after succumbing to a craving for s'mores.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meathooks

Jason opens a restaurant. Jamie Lee Curtis sits in a back booth, writing meaningful picture books about bad-hair days while Jason works on various techniques for snagging new clientele.

Charlotte's Blog

A spider pours out her angst in a web log. Life is short. It has no meaning. Flies taste like crap. My abdomen is huge. My best friend is a pig. I spend all my time shaving my legs. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

[Note: In retrospect, this was probably not the best choice for my read-aloud selection during the author tea at the annual Keystone State Reading Association conference.]

## Putting the "Boy" in BilbiOgraphY

Guys don't read. Okay, that's an exaggeration, but anyone who's ever hosted a teen advisory board or worked the circulation desk can tell you that there are a lot more girls carrying books than boys. A variety of solutions come to mind. We could manufacture books that look like skateboards. This will at least trick guys into tucking them under an arm. Or we could make books louder and faster. But early experiments have led to tragic results. (See "The Bang-Zoom Book Disaster," _YA Insider_ , Feb./Mar. 1998.) A better approach might be to take time-tested classics and skew them slightly toward male interests. Fortunately, a few pioneering publishers have done just that.

_Danny and the Dynamite_ — one of the earliest boy books, and still one of the best choices for younger readers. After finding an abandoned crate of explosives in an old mine shaft, Danny and his friends have an adventure. Befitting the gentle nature of this tale, the dynamite has a long fuse.

_Hormona the Pest_ — There's something about Hormona Quimby. In her presence, little boys grow instantly stupid. They fight, they risk their lives trying to impress her, they walk into walls, they brag about the size of their muscles, and they lose all ability to reason.

_Lowriders of the Purple Sage_ — bucking Buicks aplenty fill the streets in this action adventure set in the western side of town. Teens will especially enjoy the way the hero defends the hot female rancher from attack by blasting the bad guys with the full force of his audio system.

_War and War_ — running well over 5,000 pages, this Russian novel consists entirely of violent combat scenes. Not bogged down at all by plot or characterization, the pages fly by like bullets. Rumor has it that the movie rights have already been snatched up by Mel Gibson.

_A Single Sword_ — all the guys in the village have just one cool weapon to play with. They fight over it. It breaks. They fight over the sharpest pieces. In the end, they all learn to coexist as they help each other apply tourniquets.

_The Brassier, the Eye, and the Arm_ — a how-to book explaining techniques to deal with that most mysterious and frustrating undergarment.

_The Wrestling Game_ — in accordance with the conditions in the will of an eccentric millionaire, sixteen colorful characters gather at a mansion, where they grapple, bellow outrageous boasts, feign injuries, bounce off ropes, and hit each other with folding chairs until only one remains standing to claim the inheritance, which turns out to be a huge, unbelievably gaudy belt buckle.

_Testosterone of the Durbervilles_ — all the boys in the village get randy, with tragic results for the young heroine.

_ESPNders Game_ — In this classic science fiction tale, toddlers with athletic potential are abducted from their families and put through grueling gymnastics training for the sake of competition against alien races. Truly a chilling and harrowing cautionary tale. Thank goodness nothing like this happens for real.

# PART SIX: Kidlit humor

Librarians, teachers, writers, book sellers, and fans of children's literature, keep reading.

## Scat

While the release of the ground (or wind) breaking book, _Everybody Poops_ , didn't exactly open the floodgates to a new branch of literature, it did spawn a trickle of releases whose content is decidedly scatological. Since some folks believe these books perform an important function, we can't turn our noses up at them. With this in mind, here's a list of the best recent releases.

_A Tinkle in Rhyme_ — This charming picture book recounts the adventures of a group of young boys who discover the art of writing couplets in the snow.

_The Berry-Stained Bears_ — Mother forgets to buy toilet paper right before the start of the hibernating season. Father grumbles and does something stupid. Brother and sister ask for real names. Everyone learns a valuable lesson.

_The Outhouse at Pooh Corner_ — Wherein round two of the Pooh-sticks tournament is held.

_The Bowel and the Pussycat_ — A charming nonsense poem recently discovered among the papers of Edward Lear. A cat and an intestine sing to each other while sailing in a pea-green boat. The poem features beautiful use of internal rhyme. Tastefully illustrated by Ralph Steadman.

_Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Did You Do?_ — This elegantly simple tale follows a bear into the woods to answer an age old question.

_Crapt-in Underpants_ — A new superhero, the Brown Streak, fights crime in a series of amusing stories.

## Children's Writing Quiz

OK, so you claim to be a pro. Yeah, you have two dozen books on the shelves and kids fight for your autograph. But do you really know the field? Take this quiz and find out.

1. Prelutsky is

a. An antecedent of the postlutsky movement.

b. A fine poet.

c. Silverstein with hair.

2. To win a Newbery medal, you must

a. Write a book.

b. Write a book where someone dies.

c. Write a book that appeals to adults.

3.The ALA is:

a. On strike this season.

b. Real near TENN and FLA.

c. Reserved.

4. Picture books are easy to write because

a. A picture is worth a thousand words.

b. Kids that age can't read, anyhow.

c. Lots of celebrities have done it, and most of them can't read, either.

5.Which of the following is not politically correct?

a. Letting the evil witch actually eat little children and then talk with her mouth full.

b. Implying that people differ in any way.

c. Implying that everyone is the same in any way.

**Answers:** If you answered either a,b, or c to any of the above questions, you may be qualified to begin a career in the lucrative field of children's writing.

## Prequel's

With the current frenzy over the Star Wars prequel, it's only natural that publishers everywhere will hit the shelves with prequels of their own. Here's a list of the top five prequels for 1999.

1. _Willy, Put the Food Away_ — The latest release from the bottomless Seuss estate, this tale of a boy who forgets to put leftovers in the fridge helps set up the background for _Green Eggs and Ham_.

2. _The Art Heist_ — The inside story of the real origin of the Basil E. Frankweiler fortune.

3. _Let Piggy Fly the Plane_ — A pilot's lapse in judgment results in tons of action in this brief prequel to _Lord of the Flies_.

4. _Grandma Likes Fad Diets_ — a charming picture book about the lady who went on to swallow a fly.

5. _Skin the Bunny_ — not only a prequel, but also a kit allowing kids to make their own copy of _Pat the Bunny_.

## Famous Writers

It's not going to stop. We're doomed to wade forever in a sea of celebrity picture books. People who should know better seem to think that acting in a movie, marrying a prince, or springing from the loins of a president qualifies them to write for children. A look at the fall releases from major publishing houses proves that the trend shows no signs of slacking.

_The Ups and Downs of Bennie the Barbell_ , by Arnold Schwarzenegger, is the touching story of a free weight who wants desperately to be a Nordic Trak. Bennie feels humiliated as he sits ignored in a corner of the spa while all the patrons flock to the modern equipment. When Ninja terrorists attack the spa (for reasons that are never made clear), it is Benny, in the hands of a young body builder, who comes to the rescue. As the body builder says on the penultimate page, "I'm glad you were available, Benny. You can't brain someone with a rowing machine."

_Stewie the Surfboard Takes a Trip_ , by Mike Love and Brian Wilson, is the pastoral tale of a piece of laminated fiberglass. Stewie visits several coasts in search of great waves, and learns a lesson in tolerance when his life is saved by a boogie board. The watercolor illustrations are lovely, but the text, in doggerel-like rhyme, is rather too simplistic for even the youngest readers.

_Algernon the Anti-Hero_ , by Howard Stern, is the tale of a misunderstood mouse that is so bent on exposing the hypocrisy of his little mouse society that he is perceived by others as being mean-spirited and evil. Only after Algernon loses his life in an attempt to save others from Conservative Cat, does society come to appreciate him. Though the book as a whole seems somewhat flat, the chorus of bimbo rats at Algernon's funeral is rather touching.

_Mister Silly-Walk Changes His Pants_ , by John Cleese, seems aimed much more at adults than children. The humor is extremely sophisticated, and some of the illustrations are a bit on the risqué side.

_The Jolly Gymnast_ , by John Tesh, is a touching story of a starving athlete who finally, after years of struggle and sacrifice, achieves her lifelong dream when she gets to eat an entire Oreo, crème filling and all. Though not marketed as a bedtime story, the book is packaged with a CD containing original new-age compositions that are guaranteed to send even the most hyperactive kid into a coma-like sleep within thirty seconds.

_The UnComPlic8ed Kounting Book,_ by Avril Lavigne, helps kids learn their number from one all the way up to like maybe three or four.

_Windows Are Wonderful_ , by Bill Gates, comes with its own browser. Apparently, it's a popup book. We'd like to tell you more about it, but our reviewers haven't quite been able to get it to work, yet. And ever since we installed in on our shelves, none of our other books will open, either.

## Mommy, Why Does My Picture Book Suck?

"I got a package from Gramma!" Lindsey screamed in delight.

What could it be? A dress? A puppy? Another Barbie? No. Way better. It was a brand new picture book. Lindsey loved picture books.

"What's it called, Mommy?" Lindsey shouted, waving the book in her mother's face. "What's it called? Tell me, tell me, tell me."

Mommy read the title, "Grampa Stoke has a Massive Stroke." Then Mommy smiled. "Why look, it's by that wonderful actress we like so much. The one whose series got cancelled last year."

The title didn't sound like a lot of fun to Lindsey, but she still wanted to hear the book. "Read it to me, Mommy!," she begged. "Read it, read it read it!"

So Mommy read the book. Lindsey tried to sit still and listen, but it wasn't easy. The book sucked. Big time. The rhymes didn't really rhyme. The words were so hard to read that Mommy kept stumbling over them. And the story didn't make much sense at all. Especially when the talking mice showed up carrying the oxygen mask.

"Well, all done," Mommy said as she closed the book.

"That sucked," Lindsey said. "Why was it so bad, Mommy?"

"I guess you're old enough to know," Mommy said. She put her arm around Lindsey's shoulder and pulled her close. "For starters, most celebrities are very insecure."

"What's that mean," Lindsey asked.

"It means they don't feel good about themselves. They don't think they deserve their fame. And they're afraid people will get tired of them, or discover how stupid and shallow they really are."

"Wow," Lindsey said. "They must feel terrible."

Mommy nodded. "But they also have huge egos. They want to feel important. So they look for ways to get attention, like joining popular causes they don't really understand, or writing picture books. The problem is, they think it's easy to write a picture book. And they think the only reason to write one is to help children deal with tragedy or teach them an important lesson."

Lindsey laughed. "Silly geese. I guess they haven't read any really good books like _Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs_ or _George and Martha_."

"No, I guess they haven't. They just remember the books they read when they were young."

Lindsey sighed. "At least now I know why my book sucks. Thanks for helping me cope."

"That's what I'm here for," Mommy said, tossing the book in the fireplace. "Grab the matches, hon."

Lindsey ran to get the matches, and a bag of marshmallows. "I know something that sucks even more than that book," she said as merry flames danced before her eyes.

"What's that?" Mommy asked.

"Being a celebrity," Lindsey said.

"Don't worry," Mommy said, ruffling her hair. "You're already way too smart for that to happen."

As the sucky book turned into a pile of ashes, Lindsey cuddled with her mommy and enjoyed her marshmallows. She felt sad for the stupid celebrities, but she felt glad that she had a whole shelf full of wonderful books written by people who really cared about kids and didn't try to jam lessons down their throat. Marshmallows, yes. Lesson, no.

## Great Opening Lines

Clement was a butter dish who desperately wanted to be a teapot.

From The Great Big Anthropomorphic Crockery Anthology, Little Brown Jug, 1992

"Where's Wilbur going with that ax, Ma?"

From _The Pig Gets Even_ , G. P. Porknum's, 1989

Great-Great Granny is 100 today. She has 100 great great grandchildren. Let's watch them decorate the cake.

"One," said Mike, putting in his candle.

"Two," said Sally, putting in her candle.

"Three," said Bob, putting in his candle.

From The Really Really Huge Counting Book, MacMillions, 1983

"A" is for "aglet."

From Aglet to Zizith, An ABC of Dangling Things, Vanity Press, 1994

## The Top Ten Halloween Books

1. Boo Berries for Sal

2. Sideways Stories from the Wayside Ghoul

3. The Lion, the Witch, and the Hobo

4. Haunts Brinker and the Silver Stakes

5. Thomas's Clownsuit

6. Cloudy with a Chance of Malted Milk Balls

7. Trick Everlasting

8. TP Longstockings

9. If You Give a Moose a Snickers

10. The Molar Express

## Straight to the Finish

Some people just don't have the time or patience to wade through an entire book. But there's no need for these folks to miss out on the pleasures of reading just because they're holding down two jobs or trying to pick up a Masters degree at night while raising three preschoolers. They say you only need to watch the last two minutes of a basketball game. The same is true for most books. All the good stuff happens on the final page. So, as a service to the overworked, the under motivated, and anyone associated with Kirkus Reviews, here are the endings of some popular new releases.

The young prince closed his eyes. Then he and his family slept for a very long time.

From: _Hamlet for Juniors_ , a Bards & Noble Special Edition.

"Eight trillion, three billion, two hundred and seven. Eight trillion, three billion, two hundred and eight. Eight trillion, three billion, two hundred and nine. I think that's all," said John.

"I think you're right," said Jane.

From: _John and Jane Count the Stars_ , volume 46, Hubble Press.

"You know what, Ma," I said. "Pets taste a lot better when you bake them."

"And there's less cholesterol this way," Ma said with a wink.

From: _A Day No Pigs Would Fry_ , Gobblehill Books.

That's when the idea hit me — with our cut of the net from the movie, we could bag these crummy sitting jobs. "Come on," I said to Stacey, "let's hit the mall."

From: Baby Sitters #493, Kristy Gets an Agent

Maybe it was growing up with that nickname. Maybe it was growing up with a steady diet of Juicy-O. It's hard to say why Fudge went on that crime spree. Not that it matters now. The governor turned down our request for a reprieve. I'm going to miss that guy.

From: Tales of a Death Row Nothing

"Wake up, Harry, you've been dreaming."

From Harry Potter and the Vanishing Forests, Elastic Books

## Horror Crossovers

Horror is everywhere. Here are the dozen hottest crossover titles.

1. Are You There Godzilla? It's Me, Margaret

2. Bridge to Terrorbithia

3. The Great Gilly Hobgoblins

4. Sarah, Shapeshifter

5. In the Night of the Living Dead Kitchen

6. Slasher in the Rye

7. Anne of Green Gargoyles

8. The Very Very Hungry Caterpillar

9. Furious George

10. Julie in the Wolves

11. The 500 Rats of Bartholomew Cubbins

12. The Inside-Out-Siders

## Oh Pair

In a growing trend, more and more writers of adult fiction are teaming up with experienced children's writers. Here are the latest releases:

Jon Scieszka, author of _The Math Curse_ , and techno-thriller writer Tom Clancy have produced _The Fear of all Sums_ , a story about a kid who is terrified of addition.

Peggy Parish's Amelia Bedelia will guest star in a book by Amy Tan. This story of a woman who makes a killing at mah jong despite not having a clue about the rules will be called _The Dumb Luck Club_.

Don and Audry Wood have gotten together with John Irving to conceive a controversial picture book about the perils of cohabitation, _The Napping House Rules_.

John Green taps into the experience of Xaviera Hollander as they pen a sex guide aimed at mature teens, _Licking for Alaska._

The estates of John Steinbeck and Hans August Rey have cut a deal to produce _Curious about the Rabbits, George_.

Another estate collaboration gives us _Moby Dick and Jane_. See Moby spout. Spout, Moby, spout. See Ahab run. Run, Ahab, run.

# PART SEVEN: Regional humor

A special Lehigh Valley humor supplement, for anyone who lives in the valley or just likes to make fun of it. If you've never heard of Macungie, Tamaqua, or Pen Argyle, you might want to just skim through this part. On the other hand, who knows what you'll stumble across. If Billy Joel could find inspiration in Allentown, anything is possible.

## Howdy, Neighbor

Welcome to the Lehigh Valley. In order to make your first days in your new home more enjoyable, we've assembled this welcome-wagon package filled with useful information, valuable coupons, and nifty sample products from around the Valley. (Important note — the stuffed pig's stomach should be refrigerated as soon as possible. Another important note — the hard black lump is a souvenir piece of coal. It is not edible or suitable for children under three. Neither is the pig's stomach.)

First off, here's a special message for those of you who've come from California. Please do not be alarmed at the sight of strangers approaching your front door the day after you arrive. These are not salesmen, Moonies, burglars, or mass murderers. They are your neighbors. If you look carefully, you'll notice the objects they carry aren't bricks. They're cakes, pies, and loaves of bread. You're being welcomed to the neighborhood. While it may initially feel strange to actually know the people who live next door, you will get used to it.

Now a word of comfort for residents arriving from New York and the northern part of New Jersey. Cancel that appointment you just made with the audiologist. You aren't going deaf. The reason you haven't heard constant honking when you drive through the valley is simply that people don't spend all day with one hand on the car horn. You don't have to peel out when the light changes, either. Take three or four seconds. Heck, take five if you need it. We can wait.

Those of you coming from south Jersey shore points will be happy to learn you no longer need to scrape the rust from your car each morning. There's no salt air to corrode every piece of iron you own. You might notice your car has acquired a light layer of cement dust. Fear not, this actually serves as a protective coating for automobiles, small pets, and your children's teeth.

For those of you coming from Florida, we have just four friendly words of advice: buy a snow shovel.

Now for some general information:

Dining: You won't need to apply for a home equity loan before eating in most restaurants in the valley. There's a good chance your waiter or waitress will smile and speak with you in a pleasant manner. Fear not — this behavior is normal for the region. If you absolutely must squander a week's salary on a small plate of trendy food served in a hostile fashion by a snarling waitperson, may we suggest a visit to nearby Chester County.

Water Sports: There are two great rivers in the valley, the Delaware and the Lehigh. Neither has caught fire in recent times. The Delaware is ideal for fishing and boating. The Lehigh is perfect for jogging and scavenger hunts.

Spectator Sports: We've got the Ambassadors, some sort of Diamonds, and the Valley Dawgs. These teams offer sports fans lots of inexpensive and thrilling action, despite the fact that all the good animal names were already taken.

Biking: There aren't many bike lanes on valley roads, but most drivers tend to straddle the center line, so bikers and skaters have a good chunk of the asphalt to themselves. Bike riders aren't required to obey any laws whatsoever and are encouraged to ride slowly in large packs, especially along narrow roads with frequent blind curves.

Nightlife: Yes, you can go out at night without risking your life.

Politics: Nobody has ever figured out for sure what's going on around here. There appears to be some form of government, possible involving various mayors, councilmen, and a lot of shouting, though certain observers attribute the evidence to random phenomena or chaos theory. On the other hand, everything sort of works, so let's just move along.

Food: The valley is famous for its Philly cheese steaks, New York Style Pizza, and California burgers.

Shopping: While some stretches of prime real estate along Route 512 remain undeveloped, there are enough stores to meet the current demands of the population. It's not anticipated that there will be a mall shortage until the next decade.

Transportation: With intermittent construction on the Schuylkill, it's not all that easy to get into Philadelphia. This is a good thing. There's limited bus service to New York. Which, happily, also means there's limited service from New York. Railroad travel is an option, as long as you don't mind sharing your seat with 38 tons of coal. As for excursions within the Valley, please ignore anything you hear about Route 22. There is no such road. It's an urban myth. Really.

Well, we hope that gives you a good feel for your new home. Relax and get settled. Before you know it, you'll be one of us, chowing down on scrapple, learning all about the history of canals, and complaining about people from other states. Welcome, neighbor.

## Surviving Y2K in the Lehigh Valley

Okay, first things first. Before reading this, check your mailing label. If the digits 00 appear in the upper right hand corner, your subscription ran out in 1900. You'd better pay up for those 99 years. Send cash. Preferably gold. Or canned food. Just drop the payment off at my house. I'll run it up to the editorial office in March or April when the gas stations reopen.

Hey — I'm kidding about the gas stations. Okay?

According to some folks, we're facing world-wide disaster and the end of life as we know it. But most of the panic shouldn't be taken seriously.

Why? For starters, the doomsayers have threatened that at the stroke of midnight we'll face a world without electric power, water, government services, or any other basic necessities. Big deal. That pretty much describes the aftermath of a typical Lehigh valley ice storm. Roads freeze, lines go down, the power goes out. ATM machines run out of cash. Big plows go by. Daredevils on snowmobiles make a lot of noise and break various bones. Annoying, but not the end of the world.

The only real danger facing us is what all those folks who wrote the millennium books will do with the billions of dollars they made. I guess they'll go hang out with the guy who wrote _The Great Depression of 1990._

Seriously, don't think "end of the world." Think "snow storm" and act accordingly. You'll be fine. Stock up a bit on non-perishable food, or pre-perished items such as scrapple. If you still can't stop worrying, try this. Move to somewhere in the central zone. Watch the news at 11:00 pm central time on December 31st. If bad stuff starts happening back east, go west. Fast.

Of course, the power-failure scenario is just one slice of the hysteria. Check out a few of the other predictions. Some folks say that when Russia's computers malfunction, this will cause the Soviet defense system to execute a massive missile launch. In other words, when their computers stop working, it will cause _their computers_ to call for a strike. Anyone else see the weak point of that theory?

One person told me my car would stop running on January first. I've yet to find any place on my car where I can set the date. (Half the time, I can't even remember to set the parking brake.) Even if your car does have a calendar, it's probably not connected to the engine — unless you've got one of the many popular Soviet models. (Have you driven a Zil lately?) Those things may well launch themselves off the road on the New Year, or at any other given moment. With luck, the only auto related item that will stop running next year is those awful "Say, 'yes' to Kia," ads.

My blender is also unaware of the date. So is my toaster. If either stops working in January, it will only be because the warrantee has expired. (Maybe this proves that appliances actually do have a built in sense of time.) Even items that have a date can only cause a problem if they need to compare two dates. (My old digital watch will not, upon thinking that the year is now 1900, explode on my wrist or suck me through a dimensional warp back to the year I was born.) At worst, this means your VCR might fail to tape that Baywatch rerun you wanted. Relax. Any VCR less than three years old is probably Y2K compliant. Any VCR more than three years is probably broken.

Another group generating needless fears are those expecting the New Year to trigger the Second Coming. Don't get me wrong. If that happened right now, I'd be thrilled. (And I'd be off the hook for finishing this column.) But there's a problem here. Even if there was something special about a span of exactly 2,000 years, that time has come and gone. Jesus was born around 6 BC. The calendar makers miscalculated when they established the boundary between AD and BC. The 2,000th anniversary of His birth has come and gone. We messed up. We can't count. (Then again, we're only human.) Jesus said two things that seem to apply to this situation. "But of that day and hour, knoweth no man." And, to paraphrase from the Sermon on the Mount, "Don't worry." Who are we to argue?

So, our bodies are safe, our souls are in whatever condition we left them, and the clock is ticking. I predict the world will not come to an end. If I'm wrong, stop by to receive a personal apology. Bring something to eat. Toast would be nice. And maybe a couple of logs for the fire. Happy New Year.

## Let's Talk, Turkey

Unlike voters, who only get the opportunity once every four years, the proud farmers of the Lehigh Valley receive an annual invitation to send a turkey to the White House. It's true — the President's Thanksgiving bird comes straight from a local turkey grower. We caught up to this year's turkey at Lehigh Valley International Airport just minutes before she boarded a plane for her flight to the capitol.

_Lehigh Valley Magazine_ : Thomasina, congratulations. How does it feel to be selected for such a high honor?

Thomasina: I'm thrilled. I can't wait to get to Washington and serve the President.

_LVM_ : And I'm sure the president is looking forward to serving you, too. Tell us how you were chosen. We understand there's some sort of contest?

Thomasina: Absolutely. It was the dream of a lifetime for me. I had to compete in four tough categories — poise, talent, speech, and swimsuit. Let me tell you, it's not easy stuffing feathers into a bikini.

_LVM_ : Did you feel exploited?

Thomasina: No, I sort of liked it. I guess there's a bit of the croquette — I mean, coquette — in each of us. To tell the truth, I've worked hard for this figure. I've got some photos right here. Hey — they'd make a great cover for your magazine. Want to see them?

_LVM_ : Maybe later. Right now, why don't you tell us about that talent contest.

Thomasina: It was rough. I was neck and neck in the scoring with two other birds. I thought for sure I'd lose to that bantam baton twirler, but lucky for me she was all thumbs. On second thought, I guess she was no thumbs. In the end, I wowed the judges with my performance of the Chicken Dance. I've got a tape of the performance if you'd like to see it.

_LVM_ : Maybe later. What was your speech about?

Thomasina: I'm an advocate for vegetable rights. Have you ever seen a produce bin in a supermarket? The overcrowding just tears my heart apart. Somebody has to speak on their behalf. I had my speech printed up. Would you like to read a copy?

_LVM_ : Maybe later. What was the poise competition like?

Thomasina: That was the toughest part. We had to stand there while the judges shot questions at us. Bang, bang, bang, one after another. At one point, I almost froze. Luckily, I thawed up an answer just before the timer went off. I still can't believe I won. Wow. I'm really looking forward to this.

_LVM_ : Do you have special plans for your trip?

Thomasina: Sure. I want to see the Washington Monument. I've heard it's like a big version of the Easton Christmas candle. Hard to imagine. And they say the White House is even nicer than Andretti's place, but I'll believe that when I see it.

_LVM_ : Did you prepare a speech for when you meet the president?

Thomasina: No, I'm just going to wing it. But I talked on the phone with the first lady this morning and she assured me she was eager to have me over for dinner. That's the high point, as far as I'm concerned. The rest is just gravy.

_LVM_ : Uh, I don't think they want you over for dinner. I think you're the main course.

Thomasina: Hey, that's a joke. You're pulling my drumstick, right?

_LVM_ : Relax, the President always issues a pardon. It's a Washington tradition. Then you get to live in the zoo.

Thomasina: You mean I have to start over from scratch?

_LVM_ : Afraid so, Thomasina. But let's get back to the interview. You've certainly risen to great heights. I'm sure our readers would love to know more about you.

Thomasina: Well, I'm a middle child. I've got 8,236 older brothers and sisters, and 8,490 younger ones. Hey, can I say hi to them? Hi, Henrietta, hi, Sheldon, hi, Robin, hi —

_LVM_ : Must be tough living with such a large family.

Thomasina: I don't brood about it.

_LVM_ : What do you think you'll miss most about the Lehigh Valley?

Thomasina: The Ambassadors. I love to go to the games and catch foul balls.

_LVM_ : Who are your heroes?

Thomasina: George Washington Carver, Emmanuel Ax, and that dog on TV.

_LVM_ : Wishbone?

Thomasina: Yeah, that's the one.

_LVM_ : And what about your interests and hobbies?

Thomasina: Well, I already told you I did the chicken dance. I also like old dances, like the mashed potato. And I play a couple of instruments. I can peck out a song on the piano and pluck the banjo a bit. I'm a big sports fan, too. I love the Flyers, the Eagles, and the Penguins. I'm also a very social creature. I like to go out to those places where you can get a drink and sing along with a tape.

_LVM_ : You mean karaoke places?

Thomasina: Actually, we call them crowbars. Hey, that gives me a great idea. Let's finish the interview in the bar.

_LVM_ : There's no bar in the airport.

Thomasina: No bar? Are you kidding? Don't they know you can't fly on one wing?

_LVM_ : Uh, Thomasina, as far as we know, you can't fly at all.

Thomasina: Thanks. Rub it in. And I suppose next you'll make fun of my wattle.

_LVM_ : So that's what that thing is called. Thomasina, we'd love to dangle around and spend more time with you, but it's getting late and our car is parked in the short-term lot.

Thomasina: Now that's a poultry excuse.

_LVM_ : Exactly. Good luck in Washington, Thomasina. Make us proud.

## Winter Reading Round-Up

There's nothing like a good book to help pass those dark winter evenings when the Valley turns into a block of ice and the snow gently piles up to the level of second story windows. Our dedicated reviewers spent long hours skimming the new releases and studying the stuff written on the cover flaps. Here are their suggestions.

The Lakes of Northampton County

by Thurgood Nestlemire

LVCC Press, 246 pp., $23.95

A stirring tale of romance and nature, this debut novel by a local English professor centers on Kilgore Pickerel, a photographer who comes to the Lehigh Valley on a mission to photograph all the lakes in Northampton county. After shooting two rolls of film at Lake Minsi, Kilgore consults his maps and realizes he is finished. While waiting for his bus home, he has a nice chat with a woman who looks a little bit like Meryl Streep.

Yocco Goes to Camp

by Trixie Poupon

Advantage Press, 32 pp., $14.95

This new picture book by author/illustrator/self-publisher Poupon tells the stirring tale of a hot dog who desperately wants to be a hamburger. Frustrated by his lowly position on the food chain, little Yocco runs away from the store where he works and makes his way to summer camp. After learning many valuable lessons, and barely escaping a harrowing encounter with a campfire in a scene that may be a bit too graphic for younger readers, Yocco returns home, where he learns to relish his role in life.

The Rodale Guide to Winter Gardens

by Ace Frio

Rodale Press, 4 pp. $1.95

This latest addition to the Rodale line of horticultural books gives advice on the planting and care of a winter garden. Readers with green (or frostbitten) thumbs will want to snatch up this slim volume before spring comes and ruins all the fun. Part one, conveniently fitted into one page, lists all the plants suitable for a typical winter garden in Pennsylvania. In part two, the author dispels some common gardening myths by way of listing inappropriate plants. For example, readers might be amazed to learn that iceberg lettuce is not a winter crop. A thorough index rounds out this indispensable volume.

The Carpenter Code

by Yanni Kitaro

Newer Age Press, 666 pp., $39.95

In the tradition of other great literary numerologists who've studied Shakespeare, the Bible, and Nostradamus, author Kitaro has analyzed Paul Carpenter's cryptic column in the Morning Call. Thought until now to be either devoid of meaning or so subtle as to elude the grasp of the common man, the columns are revealed to contain amazing amounts of wisdom. With the aid of a Cray super computer, Kitaro approached the columns not as isolated incidents of text, but as layers of coded messages. By searching for key words hidden within these layers, Kitaro reveals many astounding patterns, including endless references to bicycle racing, details of trips to other states, dozens of tasty recipes, all the odd numbered pages from Finnegan's Wake, and the complete lyrics for "I am the Walrus."

Chicken Soup for the Lehigh Valley

by Jack Bottleyard and dozens of unpaid contributors

Ad Nauseum Press, 225 pp. $6.95

This 386th entry in the popular Chicken Soup series gives Valley residents all sorts of things to feel warm and toasty about. Combining essays by local residents with pieces from as far away as Singapore, the book is just chock full of warmth, good feelings, and that comforting sense of reading something one has read several dozen times before or possibly heard on the radio.

The Groundhog Mumbler

by Jake Manly

Bandwagon Press, 248 pp. $26,95

This gentle tale (soon to be a major motion picture) involves a mysterious man who can communicate with small mammals by mumbling in their ears. His mystic ability to heal critters brings him in contact with a lonely woman in Punxatawny and allows him to come to the rescue when the resident groundhog sprains a forelimb just moments before making a weather prediction.

And in brief....

My Greatest Fights

by Larry Holmes

A stirring account of Larry Holmes's bouts against such formidable opponents as Mohammed Ali, Joe Frazier, and the Easton Zoning commission.

The Crayola Cookbook

by Miss Peach

A bevy of filling, colorful, non-toxic recipes from the folks at Binney and Smith.

A Fridge on Every Porch

by Anonymous

The Unauthorized biography of Emma Tropiano.

## What's Happening?

Happy New Year. As the valley's most forward looking magazine, we've decided it would be appropriate to expand our coverage to include events that haven't happened yet. This modest ambition proved to be more difficult than one would imagine. First, we called the psychics (from our neighbor's phone). We chatted for hours and received scads of exciting personal news, but learned zilch about the valley. Then we checked the stars. It was cloudy. We tried reading tea leaves. The future looked bleak and empty. Then we realized that teabags don't leave anything in the cup. Just as we were about to give up, the kid who keeps the computers running pointed out that the latest upgrade of Windows 95 comes bundled with a prediction utility. (How else do you think Bill Gates stays one step ahead of Apple and IBM?) So we fed all available Lehigh Valley figures into the PC, and here's what we got back.

A slight glitch by Penndot will result in Route 22 traffic temporarily sharing runway number one with Lehigh Valley International Airport. Several planes will be forced off the road by aggressive tandem trucks.

Speaking of which, having gotten away with the "international" thing, the airport will try for even more recognition by changing its name to Lehigh Valley Intergalactic Airport. Several members of the original Star Trek cast will speak at the ribbon cutting ceremony and sign autographs for a small fee.

A well organized resistance force of proud citizens will defeat Disney's attempt to buy Tatamy and turn the entire place into a ride called "It's a Small Town After All."

In a stunning compromise, the organizers of the controversial Hegins Pigeon Shoot, a traditional Labor Day event involving live birds and shotguns, will find peace with the animal rights movement. Tapping into a hatred even stronger than the one some folks harbor for pigeons, they'll unveil the first annual Hegins Broccoli Shoot.

Inspired by the success of the Lehigh Valley's new high school for performing arts, educators will flood the district with proposals for other institutions catering to special interests, including schools for kids who insert "like" or "you know" into the middle of every sentence, kids who can name all the members of the Partridge Family, kids who can tell Fionna Appel from Alanis Morissette, and kids who've never danced the Macarena.

Speaking of schools, the mold spores that delayed the opening of some area schools last fall will leave the valley and drift west to Harrisburg, forcing a complete closure of state government for half the year. Nobody will notice.

Disney will make an unsuccessful bid to buy the Bethlehem Steel plant and turn the building into a ride called "Cauldrons of Terror."

Sometime in mid February, the final straggler will make it home from the heavy traffic leaving Bethlehem after the July 4th fireworks. Admittedly, he would have been home sooner had he not run afoul of an incoming wave of cars in search of early parking for Musikfest.

Walmart will open a brand spanking new store at the vacant end of Northampton Crossings, unaware there's already a Walmart at the other end of this extremely long strip mall. A fierce price war will ensue, delaying plans for several new Walmarts at the corner of Grape Street and MacArthur Blvd.

Disney will fail in its attempt to buy Northampton Crossings and turn it into a ride called "Mr. Toad's Wild Parking Lot."

Nazareth International (there's that word again) Speedway, in an attempt to make more off-season use of the facility, will become the home of the country's first ring football team. The new sport, varying from the traditional game only in the shape of the field, is an economical option for many locations since it requires just one goalpost.

Bowing toward current dining and cooking trends for today's hectic lifestyles, the Allentown Fair will add several new categories to its food contests, including best takeout presentation (separate paper and china divisions), most creative combination of frozen foods, and, in league with the flower show judges, best exotic growth on unrefrigerated leftovers.

Well, that's it. Now that you know what's coming, you can sit back, relax, and enjoy.

##

##

## Are You Steeped in Lehigh Lore?

So you think you know the Lehigh Valley? Okay, let's put it to the test. Here's a quiz on important aspects of Lehigh Valley history, culture, traditions and current events.

1. George Washington was a frequent visitor to Easton because

a. he couldn't get a good cheese steak in Jersey.

b. Martha didn't like to travel.

c. the narrowness of the Delaware river in that area made it an ideal spot for both crossing and dollar throwing.

d. Have you ever spent time in Trenton?

2. Route 22 will be completely repaired by

a. the year 2022.

b. men with tweezers.

c. Keebler elves.

d. the same people who repaired it the last time..

3. Which of the following didn't come from the Lehigh Valley?

a. The first cable TV company.

b. The first cable TV rate increase.

c. The first cable TV company constant busy signal.

d. The first cable TV innovative appointment system where they tell you they'll be there "sometime between noon and next fall."

4. The next big attraction planned for Dorney Park is

a. even taller.

b. a combination activity involving skeet shooting and the Berenstein Bears.

c. virtual reality snacks.

d. a ride based on Shirley Jackson's classic short story, "The Lottery."

5. The largest boom in jobs in the Valley is in the field of

a. highway repair.

b. freelance parking valet.

c. brewpub reviewer.

d. Express Times subscription sales telemarketer.

6. The Lene Lenape Indians were happy to sell the Lehigh Valley to William Penn because

a. they'd paid a whole lot less for it themselves when they'd bought it from the troglodytes.

b. they wanted to get out of the area before the advent of English-only ordinances.

c. they didn't want to face the labor of repairing the hoof holes and clod rips that had developed in Deer Path 22.

d. they figured it would soften him up enough so they could unload the relatively worthless Delaware-Valley property on him at a later date.

7. The Lehigh River runs into the Delaware

a. on purpose.

b. all the time.

c. wherever they go.

d. and immediately calls the law firm of Freeble and Orkin.

8. By law, all candidates for mayor in any city in the Valley must be able to

a. play the kazoo.

b. sign their name.

c. recite the state poem while eating the state flower.

d. do the Chicken Dance.

9.The best parking for Lehigh Valley International Airport is found

a. between the hours of 3 and 5 am.

b. just north of Jim Thorpe.

c. after a major snow storm.

d. rarely.

10. Which of the following is not being burned at Keystone Cement's Toxic Waste Facility?

a. Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes announcements.

b. Leftover stuffed pig's stomachs from area restaurants.

c. Keystone Cement press releases.

d. Used Mummer's costumes.

11. The canal system that runs through the Valley was originally constructed

a. as part of a tourist attraction called Mars on Earth.

b. by civil engineers from Washington D.C. who lost their way while headed for Panama.

c. before anyone realized that coal doesn't float.

d. as a last ditch effort to find meaningful work for the large population of unemployed mules.

12. The Velodrome is

a. a cheese product made from colby, Swiss and cheddar.

b. a futuristic Mel Gibson movie frequently shown on the Sci Fi channel.

c. a camel with one hump.

d. The Donald's ex wife.

Answers to last month's quiz: 1. To get to the other side; 2. El Nino; 3. It tastes just like chicken. 4. Maybe; 5. The rear end of a horse, the underside of a cow, and John Tesh; 6. Some of the above; 7. Swordfish; 8. about 87.3 grams per cubic centimeter; 9. To stamp out burning ducks; 10. Because I said so.

## A Lehigh Valley Gift Guide

As the holidays approach, let's remember to share the joy of the season with folks who are less fortunate than us. In other words, it's time to buy presents for those friends and relatives who have the misfortune to live outside the Valley. Sure, you could take the easy way out and send everyone Moravian stars, pretzels, or hex signs like last year, but the Lehigh Valley has so much more to offer. With that in mind, our team of experienced shoppers scoured the region in search of unique gifts. Here's what they found:

Crayola brand fruitcake

Those geniuses at Binney & Smith have developed a nontoxic substitute for the mysterious semi-solid chunks found in the traditional Christmas fruitcake. Not only is the new substance more colorful — it can also be removed from the cake and used in a variety of crafts.

Mario Andretti tire swings

Made from tires used in actual races, these slick swings go faster than any other model on the market. The deluxe version includes a helmet, seat belt, and space for sponsor decals.

Shad chips

From the manufacturer of Sun Chips, this healthy snack is made exclusively from locally caught shad. How are these crunchy baked treats? According to our testers, they taste like fried chicken.

A night in the giant cup

Yup. You can buy a gift certificate for an evening's lodgings in Easton's most unusual romantic retreat. Unbeknownst to the general public, the giant Dixie cup on top of the James River plant contains a luxury penthouse suite, complete with whirlpool (if it rains), sauna (in the summer), free ice (in the winter) and complimentary music (from passing cars). Room service is available through a special arrangement with Wendy's and Taco Bell. Be sure to remind the lucky couple to bring a ladder and blankets.

Route 22 campsites

A perfect gift for larger families. Starting next April, scenic lots along the closed lanes will be leased to the public by the same syndicate that sells Pocono timeshares. First come, first served, if you can figure out how to get there.

Canal water

Originally packaged in designer bottles with labels saying Canal No. 1 and Canal No. 2, these bits of liquid history from the Delaware and Lehigh canals are currently unavailable due to pending litigation from the manufacturers of Chanel perfume.

Moravian pyramids

This is sort of a new-age creation. While a Moravian pyramid isn't as aesthetically pleasing as a Moravian star, it's a lot easier to assemble. And since it doesn't have as many sharp points, it's safe for kids.

Shad Tamales

A new flavor of Hot Tamale candy from Just Born. Tastes like hot chicken.

Anything with "Bethlehem" on it

Folks are sure to appreciate a present that displays the name of the Christmas City. You don't need to splurge. A cocktail napkin from the Hotel Bethlehem makes a great gift for distant relatives. To add an extra-special touch, have the napkin framed or laminated. Be creative. Even an old bill from the Bethlehem Municipal Water Company might do the trick for a nearsighted aunt. Better yet, send the current bill. Who knows? She might pay it for you.

Anything with "Nazareth" on it

(See above.)

Ambassador tickets

According to the latest survey, a family of four can fly into Allentown and stay at any of a number of fine hotels for less than the cost of attending one major league baseball game. (Apparently, it was the high price of stadium hot dogs that tilted the scales.)

Shad ale

A great new flavor from the Old Lehigh Brewery. Tastes like stewed chicken.

Fahey wind chimes

In a great display of civic recycling, the crew repairing the bridge isn't wasting all those rusty pieces of scrap steel and concrete. Each chime comes boxed with a certificate of authenticity and a coupon for $5 off the bearer's next tetanus shot.

Well, that wraps up the list. Here's wishing you a joyous holiday season.

## A Flood of Festivals

Hot-diggity. It's finally summer. And you know what that means. Festivals. And lots of them. Once, there were few festivals available for festival fanciers. Not anymore. Fortunately, we are experiencing an infestation of festivals. Soon, every available field, parking lot, and blocked-off dead-end street in the Lehigh Valley will be awash with the inimitable sights and sounds of people festivating. It's time to eat festive foods. It's time to hear festive music. It's time for festively dressed parents to drag their festively screaming children across festering festival grounds. Yes, festival frenzy is upon us. Here are our favorites.

Red Cone Jubilee

July 1st - August 31st, 6:00 am - 5:59 am, Route 22. What better way to greet summer than with the aroma of hot asphalt and the melodic song of the jack hammer? Yup — the long wait is over. It's construction time. Join us on opening day for the traditional placing of the cones. Then stay for a season-long celebration of the art of roadwork. This year, enjoy several new attractions for the kids, including a hubcap scavenger hunt and death-defying bicycle stunts.

Animal Extravaganza

July 3rd, 9:00 am to 6:00 pm, Trexler Game Preserve. Come see how the Game Preserve is expanding its appeal. As the new motto says, "We're not just a lovely little zoological park where you can bring the family for a pleasant day. Oh, no. We're a whole lot more." This festival kicks off the first phase of the expansion. There'll be ostrich rides for the kids (protective clothing highly recommended), laser tag in the lion cage, and check out the new bumper-car safari. Anglers can pick up a couple quarter sticks at the concession booth and try their luck blasting for trout down at the stream. Don't miss the helicopter rides, dolphin show, and ATV trail. End the day with a stunning fireworks display over the picturesque endangered species nesting grounds. And remember — every Wednesday is bisonburger day.

Wheels of Uniformity Gray Honda Gala

July 5th - 7th, 10:00 am to 9:00 pm, Palmer Park Mall parking lot. (Shuttle service available from the Lehigh Valley Auto Mile.) Come show off your gray Honda. Or, if you don't own one, here's your chance to see thousands of gray Hondas that belong to other people. Unlike last year's gala, which only had models up to 1998, this year promises tons of 99s. The festival spokesperson informs us that club members voted to allow gray Subarus and Toyotas into the exhibit, so be prepared for triple the fun.

The First Annual Lehigh University Dark Ages Festival

July 13th - 18th, 8:00 am to Midnight, Lehigh University. Originally, this was planned as a Renaissance fair — a natural idea for a school where most students build a catapult as a freshman project. Upon realizing they'd been scooped by Kutztown University, the Engineers scoured the library until they found the history book (it was mis-shelved between volumes 35 and 36 of The Collected Email of Bill Gates). They dug into the volume and decided that the Dark Ages definitely represented the next most colorful period. Come huddle by a small fire, watch mud hut construction demonstrations, and savor a meal of authentic horse-hoof stew. Or just relax and have your picture taken with Bubo the Clown.

The Rendered Roundup

July 17th, 2:00 pm - 6:00 pm, Westgate Mall parking lot. What's cooking? All kinds of goodies. Join us for a celebration of that most universal and underappreciated of all ingredients — lard. Try a deep-fried apple with a lard and honey glaze or bacon wrapped bacon slices coated with bacon bits and dipped in lard butter. Proceeds benefit Muhlenberg Hospital's new cardio-care unit.

Big City Beer Festival at the Farmhouse

July 24th, 7:30 pm, the Farmhouse. Having already spread their creative wings with dinners featuring beers from Belgium, Germany, and other centers of quality brewing, the Farmhouse Restaurant takes a daring leap with this dinner featuring beers from major American cities matched with appropriate foods. Start with an appetizer of pretzels and chips, paired with a light lager from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Then enjoy a choice of potato or macaroni salad served with a lager from St. Louis, Missouri. An entree of mixed grill (hot dogs and burgers) compliments the lager from Latrobe, Pennsylvania. Finally, end your meal with after-dinner mints and a lager from Golden, Colorado. Entertainment will be provided by the LCB's own rock group, Guns and Badges.

Christmas in July

July 26th - 29th, all day, downtown Bethlehem. A really huge celebration in Bethlehem that only accidentally looks like it was put together with all the leftovers from May Fair. It's really not. Honest.

Ernest Hemingway Poetry Festival

August 4th - 5th, 7:00 pm, Godfrey Daniels. Upon being informed that Hemingway never lived in the Valley and wasn't known for his poetry, festival sponsor Professor Esmerelda Grif replied, "Well, as any writer can tell you, a double negative makes a positive." Proceeds will be used to fund September's Ansel Adams Sculpture Fest.

Takeoffs and Landings

August 12th - 17th, 5:00 am 10:00 pm, Lehigh Valley International Airport. "Look, Dad. A plane!" Imagine the thrill your kids will experience as they watch "the big ones" touch down or soar into the sky. Check out the convenient hourly parking, and don't forget to visit the food court. Free baggage x-rays for the first 10,000 attendees. Free strip search for anyone with an attitude.

Shakespeare in the Pond

August 18th - 25th 8:00 pm, Green Pond. Aquatic adaptations of some of the Bard's best loved plays. According to festival management, the park wasn't available this year. Check out the special effects in The Tempest. Bring your own snorkel.

Crayola Sunfest

August 20th, Noon, Crayola Landing rooftop. Come celebrate summer with those great partners, Crayons (a trademark of Crayola Corp.) and Sunshine (a trademark of PP&L). Don't miss the Hershey Bar exhibit. Women will have a chance to try on a full length mink coat, courtesy of Flemmington furs. And be sure to stop by the NordicTrac booth for a free test run.

And in brief...

Tree Pruning Day in the Park

The day after kite day, 9:00 am to sunset, Louise Moore Park. Bring a step ladder and a bow saw.

Christmas in August

August 1-31, 6:00 am 10:00 pm, Bethlehem. Ten hot dogs for a dollar. Lots of other bargains.

Mario Andretti Day

July 30th, noon to 9:00 pm, Nazareth National Speedway. Free admission for anyone named Mario Andretti.

Summer Solstice and Moon Dancing Celebration

Noonish to whenever everyone leaves, Lehigh Valley New Age Association. Bring your own god or borrow one of theirs.

## Lehigh Valley Diet Plans

If you're like most of us, you probably gained five or ten pounds during the winter. If you're not, I hate you. For those readers who want to fit into that bathing suit before summer rolls around, or at least walk down the stairs without panting and puffing, we've had our staff investigate a variety of the latest diet and fitness plans. It turns out there's no need to travel to exotic places like Scarsdale. The Lehigh Valley has plenty of programs all to itself. Here are the best:

The Steel Plan

Ever notice the svelte body of the average steel worker? Well, this fact has not escaped the attention of Bethlehem Steel management. Ever on the lookout for profitable diversification, they're offering this fabulous health, diet, and fitness regime to the general public for the first time. For a modest bi-weekly fee (not counting a rather large annual chunk for union dues) members of Club Steel get to work out in the hottest facility in the valley. A typical session begins with a thirty minute muscle pumping anthracite-aerobics routine with a coal shovel, followed by a variety of power exercises including I-beam squats, ingot pumping, and, for an aerobic burst, leaping avoidance of molten splashes. Cap it off with a relaxing cool down in the warm glow of the crucible.

The Shad Diet

Based on Moravian traditions dating back to Colonial times, this diet is ideal for those in search of simplicity. During week one, you can eat as much shad as you want. No other foods are allowed. During week two, you can eat anything you want, as long as it's shad. Week three is restricted to shad. There's no plan for week four since nobody has ever gotten that far. Dieters who feel this menu is too strict might want to investigate the Pennsylvania Dutch version which allows the addition of hot bacon dressing to the menu.

The Parkettes Diet Plan

This version of the competitive gymnasts' training regime, adapted for public consumption, combines exercise and behavior modification. You can select from a broad range of foods, but each meal has a special requirement. Breakfast must be eaten while doing a headstand on the balance beam. Lunch is taken on the parallel bars, and dinner occurs during tumbling passes on the floor mats. Snacks can be snatched from the top of the horse during any vault with a degree of difficulty greater than nine point seven five. For mineral supplements, the trainer suggests chalk powder.

The Pendot Patch

Okay — technically this falls under the category of medical procedures. Using the latest technology developed during Pendots's extensive experience with potholes, a licensed engineer fills the patient's stomach with a substance designed to completely stuff the gaping chasm, eliminating all feelings of hunger. Despite some outside criticism over the durability of the patch, Pendot recently issued a statement assuring consumers that the filler will indeed last a lifetime.

The Saint Luke's Diet

Though endorsed by a local hospital, this diet gets its name by another connection. You are only allowed to eat those foods mentioned in Luke's account of the Gospel. As an added benefit, this diet generally inspires the user to read scriptures very closely. Fear not — this plan doesn't force you to live by bread alone. Our reviewers were especially fond of fattened calf with a mustard seed marinade. Successful completion should allow dieters to fit through the eye of a needle.

The 40:30:50 Plan

This balanced approach allows 40 percent carbohydrates, 30 percent fats and 50 percent proteins. The ratios were calculated by the same people who figured out how much money Allentown would make with the Christmas lights in the parkway.

Pen-Penn Therapy

Not to be confused with the controversial Fen-Phen diet drug, this approach requires the user to run from Pen Argyl to Penn Allen every day.

And in brief...

The Carbon County Diet: Burn everything.

**The Heggins Diet:** Eat whatever you're willing to kill and clean.

**The Service Electric Diet:** The menu stays the same, but the price keeps going up.

**Tie Barge:** Participants get tied to the canal barge at High Moore park and drag it for exercise.

**The Rotation Diet:** Eat foods you buy while walking around the Easton traffic circle.

**The PP &L Power Supply Diet:** You get to go out as often as you want.

The Allentown Water Diet: Now with fluoride!

## Local Programming

Dear Lehigh Valley cable TV customer: Welcome to the future. The latest advances in broadcast technology and digital processing now make it possible to produce customized television programming for every region of the country. As a leader in this technology (and as an excuse for jacking up your bill by 38% last month) we're proud to offer this premium service, whether you asked for it or not. To make your new viewing experience more pleasurable, we've provided these highlights from the current week's listings.

Wheel of Fortune

Watch three clueless contestants from the greater Los Angeles area wrestle with place names like Tamaqua and Pen Argyl, and tonight's bonus phrase, "So, how long you work for the Steel?"

Sesame Street

Big Bird plucks up his courage for a visit to Jaindl farms. Cookie Monster runs amuck at Uncle Ernie's. Snuffalupagus's trip to the Trexler Game Preserve takes a sad twist when he's mistaken for one of the Scottish Highland Cattle and locked in a cage. Last show of the series.

Monday Night Football

Thanks to a miracle of computer simulation technology, the NFL will be broadcasting fantasy matchup games during the off season. Tonight, the Eagles almost win a tough battle against Wilson High. (Sorry, Eagles fans, even technology has its limits.)

Ally McBeal

Ally tackles her most difficult dilemma when an important client insists on celebrating a victory by taking her to Gregory's and buying the slender lawyer her very own 96 oz. steak.

MTV

Ricky Martin does the chicken dance.

The Drew Carey Show

Mimi gets Drew transferred to a job as head of personnel in the Hamilton Mall Hess's store. Drew faces his greatest challenge when he discovers a hidden supply of strawberry pies just moments before the wrecking crew arrives. Meanwhile, Lewis and Oswald head for Pearly Bakers but get trapped in the inside lane of the Easton traffic circle until well after last call.

Jag

Confused by the hyperbolic name of the facility, Mac and Harm attempt to land on the shorter-than-expected runway at Lehigh Valley International Airport. Last show of the series.

Biography

An in depth, two hour look at the nineteen minutes the late comedian Andy Kaufman once spent driving through Allentown. Includes interviews with strangers and frequent movie promotions. (First of five parts.)

VH1

Eric Clapton plays his latest polka.

Antiques Road Show

Among the items priced: a mint-condition box of Crayola Brand Crayons, the Alpha Cement building, an autographed picture of the Channel 69 news crew, a rare and highly valuable unused Musicfest food ticket, an outhouse once visited by William Penn, and the first hot dog sold by Yocco's.

ER

Dr. Green gets in trouble when he tries to meet Dr. Romano at Lehigh Valley Hospital, unaware that there are two places by that name.

Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

After finding herself mysteriously transferred to Liberty High in Bethlehem, Sabrina spends the day cooking up a spell to get out of mandatory voluntary community service.

Frazier

Niles and Frazier collide while diving for the last piece of Apollo Grill pate at the Best of the Valley festival. Eddie the dog is kidnapped by Channel 39 employees who mistake him for Wishbone and try to sell him to the highest bidder during pledge drive week.

Seinfeld

George buys a video poker machine from a local Democratic club. Neuman perishes trying to deliver rural mail on foot. Kramer wins a modeling competition at Westgate Mall. Jerry moves to Catasauqua and discovers that even less happens to him there than in New York. (Rerun)

Guinness Book of World Records

Among tonight's records: Longest highway repair, most miles of unused train tracks, oddest attempt to tax a parking lot, and largest stump fire.

X-Files

Scully and Mulder investigate bizarre sounds emanating from a local restaurant and eventually trace the phenomenon to an all-you-can eat buffet offering the unfortunate combination of bean soup, sauerkraut and creamed cabbage.

## A Column of Air

Good grief — the editor just called to remind me that she needs my January column in half an hour. I tried to explain that, according to my computer calendar, I still had a century before the piece was due. She didn't fall for it. Besides, everyone is pretty sick of the Y2K stuff by now. I guess I'd better get to work.

What to write about? I could make fun of route 22. But I do that in almost every column. What else comes to mind? Our bustling international airport? Done it to death. The giant Dixie cup? Once was enough. Shad fishing? Have to save that for the April issue. I need a good local angle. Maybe a piece on a famous Valley personality. What about Larry Holmes? I could do something about Holmes taking up auto racing. _Larry leads with a left front fender._ This could be good for a laugh. And a broken jaw. Maybe I'll put that idea away for a couple decades.

Hold on, the phone's ringing. "Twenty minutes? No problem. Everything's under control."

Okay, I still need a topic. I could make fun of New Jersey. Or Philadelphia. Somehow that seems too easy. What about silly school board meetings? No, Bill White at the Morning Call has a lock on that topic. The velodrome? Sure, it's a funny name, but I don't have a clue what happens there.

Got it! I could answer reader mail. Lots of columnists do that. It's a classic way to fill a page. Let me check my file cabinet. Found them. Uh oh. Hard to believe that I've only gotten two letters in the last two years. Well, that's better than nothing. Let's take a look. This first one is pretty funny. The guy's got a great sense of humor. To tell the truth, he's lot funnier than I am. No way I'm going to use his letter. They might give him my job. Let's see what else I have. The other person just wrote to complain that I don't know how to spell Heggginz. True enough.

Okay, time to do a word count. Yikes. I'm not even close to a full column. I know — I could let my daughter write a column. That would be cute. Hang on. I'll go ask her.

"How'd you like to write a magazine column for Daddy? Doesn't that sound like fun?"

"Sure. If you pay me."

"What? Where'd you learn that materialistic attitude?"

"From you."

Further negotiations revealed that her price per word was a lot higher than mine. Not to mention the cut her agent would take. I'd lose money on the deal. So much for that idea.

Hey, I still like the thought of Larry Holmes taking up racing. And for balance, I could have one of the Andretti's start boxing. Or maybe professional wrestling. Right. And I could stay out of Easton and Nazareth for the rest of my life. I wish our local heroes were a little more frail.

I guess I could use this space for public service announcements. For example, it's important for the public to realize that virtually everything written here is made up. Honest. It's all fabricated. It's not real. Figments of the imagination. Flights of fancy. Please don't go to the bookstore and ask for books I've reviewed. No matter how cute and charming it might sound, there really isn't a picture book called _Yocco Goes to Camp_ about a hotdog who desperately wants to be a hamburger. Honest. My apologies to Moravian Bookshop for all the phone calls they received. And as for that Cavalcade of Gray Hondas at Lehigh Valley Mall — forget it. As exciting as it might be to see hundreds of gray cars in one place, it's not a real festival. It was a joke. My apologies to the folks who showed up early and waited for the fun to start.

Yikes. Another phone call. "Fifteen minutes? The art department needs to know the topic so they can start work on the illustrations? Uh, chickens. Yeah, tell them to start drawing chickens. Lots of little chickens. Pink chickens. And maybe a couple accordions. Make sure they throw in a Pokémon. But just one. No, it doesn't matter which one. You choose."

Good grief. Now I have to make sure there's something in here about chickens. And accordions. I hate accordions. Wish I knew what a Pokémon was.

There has to be something I can write about. Let's see. It's the January/February issue. What could do? New Year's resolutions from local politicians? That would work, if I had even the vaguest idea who was in office at the moment. Valentine's day? I could make fun of that. I could point out how true love has nothing to do with big boxes of chocolate or expensive jewelry. And probably sleep on the couch for the rest of the month.

Phone's ringing again. "Five minutes? Thanks for the reminder. I'm almost done. It's great. You'll love it. Gotta go."

Here's an idea. I could sneak in a plug for some of my books. I could mention how _Hidden Talents_ (Tor, $16.95) has been nominated for the American Library Association's list of best books for young adults. But that would be sleazy and self serving. I certainly wouldn't expect readers to run out and buy my books just because I mentioned them here. No. Columnists have a code of ethics. I can't say a word about _Hidden Talents_. Besides, nobody would believe it's a real book.

There has to be something I can write about. Allentown fluoridation, Lights in the Parkway, cement dust, incessant Express Times telemarketing calls....

Ringggggg.

Sure wish it was a telemarketer. No such luck. I know who's calling. I'm out of time. Guess I'll just have to tell the editor there won't be a column this issue.

## Valley Health Alert

[Note: This is the last piece I wrote for Lehigh Valley Magazine. They killed my column right before I submitted it].

A recent report from the Environmental Protection Agency contains information we feel is crucial to share with our readers. Apparently, the Lehigh Valley is in a geographic pocket known to allow saturation-level accumulations of a highly-impure form of nitrogen gas. This 70% nitrogen mixture also contains trace amounts of argon and several other inert elements.

According to the EPA spokesperson Joseph Priestly, this gas has a variety of well-documented properties, at least several of which are known to be beneficial and one of which is considered essential. While there is no cause for alarm at the current time, various ecological dangers have been linked to this gas. The mixture, under certain biological conditions, plays a role in the generation of carbon dioxide, an invisible and odorless gas that is incapable of supporting animal life.

This same nitrogen mixture has been known to spontaneously form into a swirling formation containing the meteorological potential to cause severe damage to property.

Once again, it must be stressed that there is absolutely no cause for alarm. However, long term exposure to this mixture has been shown, both in the laboratory and in the field, to promote the destructive degradation of even such rugged materials as iron. It has also been linked to decomposition and spontaneous combustion. The ancient Greeks also associated this gas with their theories of spontaneous generation, but modern science has disproved the entire concept.

In order to ascertain the degree of prevalence for this gas, Lehigh Valley magazine spoke with EPA community relations expert Robert Boyle. "Beyond the well-understood chemical reactions, people don't realize the physical effects a large enough quantity of gasses can have on them," Boyle told us. According to this expert, while a gas may seem insubstantial, there is actually the potential for enough to be present to press down on residents of the Valley with a force of over fourteen pounds per square inch — more than enough force to crumple an aluminum can. This force grows even greater as one moves to lower elevations.

While there is positively no cause for concern, we have also learned that the gas is capable of acting as a transport mechanism for various bacteria and other microorganisms, including those capable of causing diseases. Most scholars feel there is sufficient evidence to link the gas to the spread of the pneumonic plague of the 1600s.

As far as has been determined, even with the latest advances such as the Hubble telescope, this particular gas has not been detected in large quantities anywhere else in the solar system.

To add a pharmacological concern, the gas is well known to be habit forming. Once exposed, those deprived for even the briefest period will struggle and suffer, demanding to be re-exposed. Such cases of deprivation, fortunately, are relatively rare.

On a thermodynamic note, the gas has been linked to nearly every observed incident of convection.

One final caution: according to PENDOT, a sudden release of this gas has accompanied every known case of a blowout. In less drastic circumstances, a gradual release inevitably results in a flat tire.

On a positive note, this gas is ideal for filling balloons and river rafts. It's also just super for blowing out candles. And, as I'm sure everyone has guessed by now, this nitrogen mixture is also known as air. April fools. Relax. Take a deep breath. See you in two months.

## Our Annual Survey

(An unfinished idea for a column.)

Well, the results are in from our annual and highly eclectic Lehigh Valley survey.

Do you enjoy living in the Lehigh Valley?

A resounding 96% said yes

A disgruntled 3% said no.

And 1% didn't realize they were living in the Lehigh Valley

## Getting the Word Out

(An unfinished idea for a column.)

As we move into the new year, the Committee to Enhance the Lehigh Valley has announced the hiring of public relations genius Dermott Swindler. Lehigh Valley Magazine is proud to present an exclusive interview with Swindler.

LVM: Mr. Swindler, we understand you've made a career out of publicizing booming areas of the country.

Dermott Swindler: That's right. I'm proud to list Sacramento, Dallas, and Lammar Junction among my clients.

LVM: Lammar Junction?

DS: Hey, two out of three ain't bad.

LVM: So, what specific plans do you have for the valley?

DS: Well, for starters, most people don't realize that Philadelphia is part of the valley.

LVM: No it isn't. Philadelphia is in the Delaware Valley.

DS: Oh. Well, there's Harrisburg.

LVM: Nope.

DS: Scranton?

LVM: Not even close. Any other plans?

DS: Sure. Tons of plans. I'm working on a Shakespeare festival.

LVM: They have one at Allentown College. It's world famous.

DS: You're kidding? Well, there's also the music festival. I was thinking Bethlehem would be perfect for that. It could combine regional styles of music with world-class acts.

LVM: Guess what?

DS: You're kidding?

LVM: Sorry.

DS: (shuffling through a briefcase of papers) Hang on. I have lots more ideas. Here we go.

## Lehigh Valley Jeopardy!

(An unfinished idea for a column.)

Hi. Welcome to Lehigh Valley Jeopardy, where we give the answer and you have to come up with the question. Let's get started.

Answer: The Lehigh River, the Delaware River, and heavy industry.

Question: Name some things that leave the Valley at a steady rate.

Answer: Lehigh Valley International Airport, Stabler Arena, and Route 22

Question: Name three of the largest parking lots in the valley.

## Unheralded Heroes of the Valley

(Yup, it's unfinished.)

As we slide into the new year, the world is awash with lists of those, both locally and nationally, who have left their mark during the last hundred years. This is as it should be. But, inevitably, there are folks whose contributions fade from sight. Thanks to diligent effort by our entire research staff, we're able to give recognition to some of the lesser-known figures in the Valley's history.

Wilhelm Oberpass (1892 - 1965), Civil Engineer

Oberpass designed most of the major roadways in the valley, leaving a mark that will be with us forever. A founder of the minimalist school of highway construction, he's credited with coining that now famous traffic-flow slogan, "Why make it wider when you can make it bumpier?" Among his many achievements, Oberpass pioneered the concept of biodegradable road surfaces and experimented with using rusty nails as a substitute for sand and salt on icy roads. (Coincidentally, Wilhelm's brother Freiderich owned the largest Firestone dealership in the area.) Ever the lover of whimsy, Oberpass was especially proud of creating such unforgettable pairs as Union Blvd and Union St., or the quaint intersection of Hecktown Road and Hecktown Road.

Stanton Dupe III (1937 - 1989), Conservationist

Dupe made a touching contribution to the Lehigh Valley. It started in 1957, when Dupe inherited his father's vast steel fortune. Dupe invested nearly every cent in property along the Delaware river. When an official survey revealed that the land was actually not on the river but beneath it, Dupe donated the entire parcel to the town of Easton, thus creating our beloved but little known Dupe Aquatic Park and making Dupe the largest single benefactor in the history of the valley.

Cormack McCormick (1957 - ), Inventor

Known as "The Thomas Edison of Pennsylvania," McCormick has over 1,000 patents to his credit, including the flashing 12:00 on the VCR, the little piece of metal that keeps the eraser from falling off the pencil, and coffee-flavored yogurt. It was while working on his last invention, a safer form of dynamite, that he suddenly left the valley for New York, New Jersey, Ohio, and Delaware.

Grizzly Polkowski, (1947 - ) , Outdoorsman

The last of the great valley hunting guides, Polkowski stuck to his trade even after urban development had turned all his favorite hunting grounds into towns and cities. A familiar sight to many of us, "Old Griz" could be seen early most mornings leading small groups of clients down the center stripe of McArthur Boulevard, searching relentlessly for that trophy bruin. A close brush last year with converging Domino's and Papa John's delivery vans forced him into early retirement.

Piere Robspierre, (1916 - 1992), Chef

A graduate of the famous Cordon Bleu school of France, Pierre moved to the valley after the Paris salmonella scandal of 1943 and opened one of the first French restaurants in the area. Not satisfied with introducing valley patrons to such exotic French delights as snails, frogs' legs, and arrogant waiters, Pierre soon forged a new cuisine by melding his native dishes with the best available local ingredients. It all began when Pierre failed in his attempts to obtain fresh scallops for his Coquilles San Jacques. Desperate to make this beloved dish,

[Note — it seems a fitting tribute to the valley to include the previous paragraph, since I stopped construction right in the middle. (For the curious, I suspect the second half of that sentence would have involved Scrapple.) It also seemed a perfect way to end this section, and this book.]

# Afterword

If you've arrived here, I think it's fairly safe to assume you've read at least some of the pieces in this collection. (Or you're looking over the shoulder of the guy in front of you on the plane, in which case, I hope you feel inspired to buy your own copy.) Thank you. Without readers, humor writers would be a pretty sad group. I hope you enjoyed yourself. Ironically, the afterwords in humor books tend to be almost as unamusing as the introductions. So I'll stop here.

# About the author

David Lubar grew up in Morristown, NJ. The son of a school librarian and a career navy man, his lack of athletic or social skills allowed him to begin polishing his literary talents and love of reading at an early age. He sold his first short story in 1978, two years after graduating from Rutgers. Armed with a degree in Philosophy and no discernible job skills, he spent the bulk of the Carter administration as a starving writer before accidentally discovering he knew how to program computers.

He's written more than two dozen books for young readers, including _Hidden Talents_ , _Flip,_ _Invasion of the Road Weenies, Punished!, Dunk,_ and _Sleeping Freshmen Never Lie._ His novels are on reading lists across the country, saving countless students from a close encounter with _Madame Bovary._ His short stories have appeared in the collections of such respected anthologists as M. Jerry Weiss, Don Gallo and Jennifer Armstrong, and in a variety of magazines, including _Boy's Life, READ, and Nickelodeon_. He has published an eclectic body of humor pieces in both national and regional publications. In a former, geekier phase of his life, he designed and programmed many old-school video games, including _Home Alone_ , and _Frogger 2._ In his spare time, he takes naps on the couch.

He lives in Nazareth, Pennsylvania with his wife and a trio of felines. He also lives online at www.davidlubar.com.

# Books by David Lubar

Oh, come on. You can look them up online.

But go outside and get some fresh air, first. Okay?

