(audience cheer)
Was I the only one watching Dance Moms last night?
Abby, you are the bees knees.
Nobody in the bureau knew that Dance Moms was on last night.
They had me second guessing myself.
There it is.
She's in the wheelchair.
She can walk but she's in the wheelchair.
And I found myself watching not one episode but two.
And I don't care about kids dancing
or anything about it,
but this show is just captivating.
The mothers who torture their daughters by being in this
and you can see it in their mother's eyes,
like I was never a star but I'm gonna
beat it into my daughter.
(audience laugh)
Or have Abby do it.
And then the girls are all old enough
to speak for themselves,
so it's not like you're dealing with three-year-old girls.
You're dealing with 12-year-olds
who will tell Abby about herself back.
And Abby again is just doing what she does.
She's looking for the next superstar.
So I was watching.
Clap if you watched.
Did you watch?
(some audience applause)
Yeah, well according to the TV Times
in the Hot Topics bureau,
Dance Moms wasn't supposed to be coming on
until June 4th or something.
So maybe that's why nobody watched last night.
We got an early memo.
Well they're saying, everybody, Dance Mom premieres,
but I'm telling you it didn't, it premiered last night,
on June 4th at 9 p.m. on Lifetime.
I watched.
Two episodes.
Do you know what else I'd watch?
What?
Drake's father hostin' a talk show.
Oh.
Well no, listen, this is so perfect for him.
It's called Fame and Family.
Now you know Drake's dad, right, uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Apparently wasn't so good with them
while he was growing up,
but now they're thick as thieves, Drake and his father.
He's gonna be interviewing parents of superstars.
I think this is a terrific idea.
This is a show long overdue.
Like Mathew Knowles, not for nothing,
I'm not tryin' to start dad beef,
but this was supposed to be your show, Mathew.
(audience applaud)
This was supposed to be your show.
But Drake's dad got it.
Drake's dad, I think his name is Dennis.
Dennis.
Dennis, okay, I got it, see?
(audience laughs)
(Norman laughs)
I'm telling you, I'm watching.
Drake's dad, Dennis, is going to be hosting the show,
and I think that people will sit down with him.
Well in the first episode, it's Master P.
Master P is though a famous man.
Now not for nothing, Dennis,
if you had me consulting you
then what I would say is that you don't interview
famous parents of famous kids,
because the parent is already in the fame game
so you're not even giving the response of answers
that we, the American people, wanna know.
You're giving the answer...
It's like interviewing Billy Ray Cyrus about Miley.
Well Billy Ray is already a star.
It's like all right, you like to hear from the parents
but blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
Let's get a specific talk show, Dennis,
so we know what we're watching.
Now how about we retool it?
After Master P, from now on then you make all the parents
not famous people.
Like wouldn't you love to hear from Mrs. Duff?
You don't know Hilary Duff's mother.
You'd love to hear from her.
You would love to hear from, I don't know,
LeToya Luckett's mom or somethin' like that.
Anyway, Toofab.com caught up with Dennis
outside of an LA hotspot.
It's called Delilah.
Dennis has wanted to be seen,
this is such a good look for him,
he's a real show pony,
as if you can't tell either way,
how he dresses.
(audience laughs)
I wasn't looking,
did we feature the picture with that red suit yet?
Not yet.
Oh, hit 'em with it.
There we go.
(audience gasp)
Okay, okay.
(audience applaud)
Dennis is just a dad who's always wanted to be seen
and now his son is being seen
and why wouldn't you want to as a parent
of a famous person, have an interview with Dennis?
Dennis is the father of one of the most famous
people on the planet.
And people like Drake.
This could be very good.
Now I want you to take a look.
Dennis says by the way that Drake is on board with the show.
See, I picture Drake being the number one watcher.
I always picture Drake, when he has time,
maybe coming by real quick.
Like refreshing his father's water on the desk
or something funny.
But not like sitting down.
But it's nice to know that Drake is on board with it.
Anyway, take a look.
Drake just called me,
and I shared it with him, and he goes,
"Dad, that's the best thing you've ever done."
I was gonna ask you,
your son's gotta come on the show, right,
and he's gonna be a guest, right?
All right, I mean eventually, I would hope so.
(audience laugh)
You guys, this could be really good.
Now I don't know what network it's going to be on
or what channel,
or maybe it'll be a podcast with a visual, I don't know.
No network has picked it up yet
but I suggest come one, come all
to the Dennis show because...
(audience cheer)
(audience applaud)
You gotta figure,
the things that this man will say.
The things that'll come out of his mouth.
This, from a man who's been having his mustache
since he was 15.
(audience laugh)
Do you remember when you were 15
and there was always that boy in your class
with a mustache?
And he was either real gross to you
'cause ew, that's too much facial hair,
or really hot 'cause he's almost a man
and he drove a Camaro or somethin'.
(audience laugh)
And he didn't go to regular school like everybody.
He went to partial regular school
and the rest of the day, he'd spend in auto mechanics
or wood shop.
(audience laugh)
Smoke Marlboros on the side of the school.
You know what I mean?
(audience applaud)
All right, so Rachel is our Black Bachelorette
but they're saying that there
could be a Black Bachelor.
Yeah.
(audience cheer)
(audience applaud)
I guess that immediately,
I'm watching the Hannah season.
I don't know all the guys' names,
except for CBS, only 'cause he got fired,
and he's such a cornball anyway.
(audience laugh)
She fired him this past Monday,
or sent him home or whatever they do on The Bachelorette.
So the black guy in question is the guy that I woulda
picked for her.
He's a ticket.
31-year-old Mike Johnson.
Oh.
Right.
(audience applaud)
So this season on The Bachelor,
there are four black bachelors
and none of them had me catching any feelings,
except for this Mike, for her.
He might not be your type but I'm talking about
to be a black bachelor.
He's a portfolio manager.
He was in the Air Force.
He loves his family.
He's part of Big Brothers Big Sisters of America.
Aw.
He's very well spoken and he definitely stands his ground.
Remember when CBS tried to crash his one on one date?
What?
Oh.
ABC, Cam, Always Be Cam.
Right.
(Norman laughs)
ABC, remember when ABC tried to crash
his one on one date with Hannah?
Mike did not back down.
Are we gonna show that moment?
Yeah.
Well let's show it.
It was my faith that kept me strong.
Don't worry about nobody else, it's just us.
Hey, whenever you guys will wrap up,
I'll just be outside.
Have a minute, thanks.
And...
I'll come get you a second, okay.
Can you walk outside the door?
I have something really important.
Just whenever... can you wrap it up
a couple of minutes here please?
Thanks man, okay.
My apologies.
I have something really important
I need to tell her, please.
I haven't had any time, please.
You're gonna get your time.
Please dude.
You're gonna get your time.
I would walk outside and I'll come get you.
I promise.
Hannah, okay, all right.
Yeah.
(audience laugh)
(audience applaud)
So stupid.
So you saw Mike was really cool,
he held his head,
and he sent CBS on his way.
By the way, the conversation that CBS
wanted to have... ABC wanted to have with Hannah
was something like acid reflux
and how he can't sleep at night.
It was something stupid.
It wasn't that but it was something stupid.
He was just tryin' to get attention.
Thank God he's home.
Unfortunately, everybody, I don't think that Hannah's
gonna pick Mike on account I don't think that the network
is yet ready for a black man's hands
pawing over Bambi.
(audience laugh)
In my mind, this is how interracial relationships work
when they try to sell them to people
who still don't believe in them.
You have a easier time believing a black woman
is with a white man
than you do with a black man and his Mandingo ship.
(audience laugh)
Being all over...
(audience laugh)
(audience applaud)
Just sayin'.
(audience cheer)
Just saying.
Hannah over there with that pearly smile
and that peaches and cream skin.
And Mike.
(audience laugh)
Standing over here with his fists on his hips,
lookin' down at her.
It's not gonna happen.
But here's the thing.
'Cause I feel like they have Hannah
to be the bachelorette this time
because Hannah has that look, that thing.
I've told you about it.
I think that she's beautiful.
I think that she's perfect for selling dishwashers
and pots and pans.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
No, you laugh.
There is life for her after The Bachelorette
and it includes whether it's being, like I said,
news correspondent or something like that.
It's gonna be something, something really golly gee
that's gonna make her a whole lotta money.
And she can't come off golly gee if she's with Mandingo.
(audience laugh)
(audience applaud)
You're back.
You were here with your mother the other week,
I saw you.
Yes.
Weren't you two here?
Yeah, two months ago.
Two months ago?
I remember you like it was yesterday.
Welcome back.
Thank you.
Yeah.
(audience applause)
Yeah.
Hi mom.
Anyway, the show has been on for 23 reasons and-
(audience cheer)
(audience applaud)
And the bachelor has never been black
so do you think that this is the time for a change?
I say yes
but do you think that this particular season
will be the change?
(audience applaud)
Well Mike, good luck.
Either way, it's not like you'll be single for long
'cause a lotta people are checking you out.
It's nice to know that everybody has a chance too, right?
It's nice to know that everybody has a chance.
(audience applaud)
On another note, everybody,
there's this video that's gone viral.
It's this Ohio weatherman,
and he's lashing out at viewers
'cause viewers complained that the tornado upped its...
Did a tornado hit your house last night?
Yes.
It tornadoed.
It was rockin'.
Anyway, apparently, it was going on there in Ohio as well
and The Bachelor had to get updated by tornado updates.
The Bachelorette.
Just take a look at the weatherman.
We have viewers complaining already,
"Just go back to the show."
No, we're not going back to the show, folks.
This is a dangerous situation.
What about if this was your neighborhood?
I'm sick and tired of people complaining about this.
Our job here is to keep people safe
and that is what we're gonna do.
Some of you have complained that this is all about my ego.
Stop.
(audience laugh)
(audience applaud)
That is meteorologist Jamie Simpson from Dayton, Ohio.
That's funny when you're watching your favorite show
and they're interrupting
with something that's really important.
(audience laugh)
Anyway, let's talk about Rob Lowe.
I like Rob Lowe.
Rob Lowe's from my era.
I remember the sex tapes and all that.
I remember when he used to date Princess Grace's daughter.
That was when she was a wild child.
Stephanie, do you remember those years?
They were like the wild children that you wanted
to go to college with.
(audience laugh)
That image was the reason for leaving home
and going to college.
You'd get from under your parents,
you'd go away to school.
You don't go to school but live at home.
It's not the same kinda party.
(audience laugh)
So Rob Lowe, everybody, is getting slammed by critics
because he made fun of Prince William's thinning hair.
(audience murmur)
Well this from a man who does not wear a wig.
Rob Lowe is just beautiful.
He really is a good-looking man.
Well you didn't get any claps, Rob Lowe.
Oh, you got a nod.
(audience laugh)
There you go.
(audience applaud)
I think he's a good-looking man, he's 55 years old.
He's just very well preserved.
The jawline.
And then he has got some show on TV right now
and you see him in a few commercials.
And his kids are really good looking.
He's just doing his thing.
But Rob was doing an interview in London
and he says that watching Prince William go bald
has been one of the most traumatic experiences of his life.
(audience laugh)
He blamed British men for setting a very low bar
when it comes to your appearance.
(audience gasp)
(audience laugh)
He probably thought we'd never find this out
'cause like I said, he said it across the pond.
Anyway, royal fans now are hating on Rob
for making fun of the Prince
and they called Rob shallow.
Well, I must admit, here in the America,
men probably are more shallow than British men.
I don't think that he's so far off in terms
of American men taking care of their appearance.
And I say that to a fault,
like you all and your plastic surgery
and your wigs that you wear.
(audience laugh)
You men.
By the way, it bothered me all day
that I teased you about O. J. being in a hot tub.
And he was sitting around with his friends.
Did you notice that, did you watch yesterday?
Yeah.
(audience applaud)
I'm sorry about that.
I'm sorry.
That was mean 'cause I was just picturing O. J.
in the hot tub with his friends,
and then doin' Kris dirty.
In the same leftover water.
Oh.
If you didn't watch yesterday's show, never you mind.
Today is a new day.
Thanks for being here.
So what was I just telling you about Rob Lowe?
Oh.
I just think that American men are very, very vain
regarding their looks, compared to a lot of other men
around the world.
I don't think that's a big secret.
But I also believe Rob,
like Rob said that he took a hair loss pill
when he first starting seeing
like there was a hair left in his brush.
Well I didn't know that there was a hair loss pill.
Shout out to the wig girls.
(audience laugh)
What are we doing?
(audience applaud)
I mean if you have hair but it's thinning,
maybe they could do something.
If you have hair then it's thinning,
you don't want it taken from your kitchen and put up here
'cause then you have a thin kitchen. (laughs)
I mean before I resigned myself to being a wiggy
for the rest of my life, believe me you,
I strolled every street on the aisle of Manhattan
in every place upstairs and downstairs,
looking for hair.
I've done it.
No, I was ready.
I had a check book, a credit card and a loan.
I didn't care how...
It was very important to me at the time.
(audience applaud)
Believe me, I wear the wigs 'cause nothing else works.
(audience laugh)
I wore a weave at one point
but you weave girls are gonna learn,
when that hair starts thinning,
you'll be a wiggy too.
(audience laugh)
(audience applaud)
Yeah. (laughs)
I've never heard of a hair thinning pill.
This is brand new to me, and quite frankly,
I just think that Rob Lowe was blessed
with good hair genes and good hair.
I mean look at his facial hair.
Everything is growing in.
I don't see any plastic surgery or anything.
But that's okay, Rob, because he's got power,
and power beats hair every day.
(audience applaud)
He's got power.
William's still got the smile.
William's also got the sympathy vote.
Anyway, bald or not bald,
Norman goes "Well that's one thing that black men have
"is that you all can just shave it all off
"and just be bald, it's expected."
Yeah. (laugh)
(audience applaud)
I don't think that's a black man thing though.
I just think that's a thing thing.
I don't see that many Asian people though bald, Asian men.
That's some good hair follicles.
(audience laugh)
But shout out to the men with the thinning hair.
If you know anything about that pill...
(audience laugh)
Let somebody know something
and I'll pass it on.
(audience applaud)
Have you ever been to a beach wedding?
(mixed responses from audience)
They're really sexy.
I've been to one in person once in my life.
I was uninvited but they were doing it,
we were staying at a particular place.
(audience laugh)
We were staying at a place and we were walkin' on the beach
and this couple was getting married,
and I was wearin' a white bikini
and everybody else was in white.
And I said, "Well let's go over there
"and see what this is all about."
(audience laugh)
And we were at the beach wedding.
It was very, very nice.
The first one that I was at was when Pam Anderson
married I forgot who,
and I wasn't there but I was there in the magazines.
You know how you like somebody so much,
you feel like you're there when you watch them
go through happiness?
Pam Anderson's a friend in my head.
One of those types of people to me.
Anyway, there's this bride, right,
and she is having a beach wedding.
And it has the internet divided
and I just wonder who are you haters.
She's having a beach wedding
and this is the final fitting video.
I think she looks fantastic.
(audience cheer)
(audience applaud)
People are upset.
People think it's inappropriate that she is not wearing
the long gown.
She's not wearing a thong or anything like that.
I think she looks wonderful.
It might be her first marriage.
I can't tell exactly how old she is
but clearly a woman who's confident in herself.
She looks beautiful.
I just hope the rest of her guests look as beautiful.
Tell me if you think this is inappropriate, clap.
(some audience applaud)
Oh.
Rachael Ray is downstairs.
(audience laugh)
Hi Rachael, hi Rachael, hi Rachael, hi.
Everybody, we got more great show for you here today.
Later on in the show, my friend Dave Mizejewski is here
and he's got these baby animals
that I love so much.
But up next from Orange is the New Black,
Lea DeLaria is here.
So grab a snack and come on back.
(dance music)
(audience cheer)
(dance music)
