-On Friday,
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo
made an appearance on NPR's
"All Things Considered"
and ended the interview early
after the following exchange.
-I have defended every
State Department official.
We've built a great team.
-Sir, respectfully, where have
you defended Marie Yovanovitch?
-I've defended every
single person on this team.
I've done what's right for every
single person on this team.
-Can you point me toward
your remarks
where you have defended
Marie Yovanovitch?
-I've said all I'm going to say
today. Thank you.
-But according to the reporter,
things got very heated
after the interview.
-He was not happy to have been
questioned about Ukraine.
He asked, "Do you think
Americans care about Ukraine?"
He used the "F" word in that
sentence and many others.
He asked if I could find Ukraine
on a map.
I said yes.
He called out for his aides
to bring him a map of the world
with no writing,
no countries marked.
I pointed to Ukraine.
He put the map away.
He said,
"People will hear about this."
-This brings us to a segment
we call "Hey!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey!
Hey, Mike Pompeo,
you're supposed to be America's
top diplomat, and you said,
"People will hear about this"?
That's the kind of diplomacy
you hear outside of a bar
in Queens at 2:00 a.m.
[ New York accent ] "You can't
talk to me like that, Debbie!
People will hear about this!"
[ Normal voice ]
And, hey, you don't think
Americans care about Ukraine?
You were on NPR.
If there's any place where
people pay attention
to world events, that's it.
People who can put up with
the intricacies of jazz fusion
can certainly handle
basic geography.
And if you have all this stuff
you don't want
to be asked about,
maybe don't go on a show called
"All Things Considered."
They mean all things.
If you don't like questions,
I think fox news has a show
called "No Things Considered."
Pretty sure that's what
that's called.
And hey! Hey!
[ Cheers and applause ]
You think you're going to make
Mary Louise Kelly look dumb
by asking her to point out
a country on a map?
That lady went to Cambridge
and Harvard
and has a Master's degree
in European studies.
Not only is she qualified
for her job,
she's more qualified
than you are for your job.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Mary Louise Kelly can point out
Ukraine on a map,
and she can probably tell you
the five best hotels to stay at.
Side note --
Hey, don't mess with a woman
who has three first names.
I learned that the night
I got my ass kicked
by Sarah Jessica Parker.
Oh, and, hey, now I hear
you're removing a different
NPR reporter
from your upcoming trip
to Ukraine.
Why are you going to Ukraine?
I heard some dickhead say
Americans don't even care
about that place.
You might be forgetting
about one American, though,
because your boss tweeted
after your tantrum
that he might consider
cutting off funding for NPR.
Hey, dingbat,
aren't you already in trouble
for holding back money because
you didn't get what you wanted?
Are you completely incapable
of learning anything?
I mean, I guess
I know the answer to that
given that you've been married
three times,
and you still haven't learned
how to make a woman smile.
[ Laughter,
cheers and applause ]
If I've learned anything,
the key to a woman's heart --
tell her how you golfed
that day.
-But, hey,
NPR lives on donations anyway,
so you could do your worst.
Personally,
I'm going to donate today,
and I encourage everyone else
to support them, too.
And then we'll all have
plenty of tote bags
to carry all the Champagne
we're gonna buy
when you cartoon bullies
finally leave office.
This has been "Hey!"
