Alexandria... Ocasio-Cortez.
-(whooping)
-By now you probably know her
as Congress's
superstar freshman Democrat.
Or, if you watch Fox News,
what would happen if Stalin
was good at Instagram.
Either way, you cannot deny
she's making waves.
Because she's only been
in office for six weeks,
but already
she's put forward a blueprint
to combat climate change,
which is one of the more
ambitious policy proposals
Washington has seen
in a very long time.
And it's called
the Green New Deal.
We are going to transition
this country
into the future...
NEWSMAN: The Green New Deal
 calls for a ten-year
 national mobilization."
 The goal:
 in one short decade
 to bring greenhouse
 gas emissions to zero,
 meet 100% of energy needs
 by renewable sources,
 overhaul
 transportation systems...
NEWSWOMAN: 
 ...expanding a high-speed rail
 to "a scale where air travel
 stops becoming necessary."
NEWSMAN: It would modernize
 U.S. infrastructure,
 upgrade or replace
 every building
 for energy efficiency...
 ...create millions
 of high-paying jobs,
 bring equality
 and equal justice
 for underserved minority
 and impoverished communities.
 The plan calls for
 government-guaranteed jobs,
 government-provided
 health care,
 free education for life,
 and safe, affordable housing
 for everyone.
Wow. That's a lot
of major issues
for a climate change plan
to solve. I mean...
No, I expected
the Green New Deal
to tackle greenhouse gases
and fossil fuels,
but apparently it's also
gonna give everyone a job
and health care
and free education
and provide affordable housing
and get your parents
back together?
(laughter)
And don't get me wrong,
these are admirable aspirations,
but I'm always skeptical
whenever someone proposes
a cure-all.
You know? It's like one of those
old-timey health products
that traveling salesmen
used to sell.
It'd be like, "Just one bottle
will cure insomnia,
"headaches, seasickness,
mustache weakness,
and even a total eclipse
of the heart."
(laughter)
But I will say this.
The main part of the bill
is about climate change,
and Ocasio-Cortez is right
that the U.S.
needs to take drastic measures
to prevent
climate change's worst effects.
Of course, over at Fox News,
as soon as they heard "Cortez"
and "climate change,"
sirens started going off
like bin Laden just emerged
from the ocean
holding Aquaman's trident.
They were like,
"This is not a drill!
"We have a code A.O.C.
Man your battle stations!"
What is this Green New Deal?
Answer:
radical environmental socialism.
One of the most dangerous,
impractical, misguided,
economically guaranteed
to be devastating plans ever.
It sounds more like
a-a green nightmare to me
when none of us are able
to turn on the heat
or turn on the air conditioning.
When we outlaw plane travel,
we outlaw gasoline,
we outlaw cars,
I think, actually, probably
the entire U.S. military
because of the Green New Deal.
There's another victim
of the Green New Deal.
It's ice cream.
Livestock will be banned.
The Green New Deal wants
to go after flatulent cows.
So what are they saying?
We're gonna ban hamburgers
and Americans
are never gonna have a barbecue
-and flip a hamburger again?
-No more steak.
I guess government-forced
veganism is in order.
"Yeah.
They'll force-feed us broccoli
"while giving us
a tofu enema. Yeah.
"We're all gonna be gangbanged
by vegetables.
"Yeah. Yeah.
That eggplant emoji--
not funny anymore. Yeah."
(laughter)
You know... you know what I love
about American politics
is that whenever someone
in the opposing party
says something,
there's this weird thing where
you immediately have to take
the exact opposite position.
Ocasio-Cortez says
that cow farting
contributes to climate change,
which is true, by the way.
It's true.
And all of a sudden,
Fox News is like,
"Cow farts are the smell
of freedom, okay?
"Every time a cow farts,
George Washington gives me
a thumbs-up from the grave."
(laughter)
And, look,
there are legitimate concerns
about the Green New Deal.
You can ask questions like
how are you gonna pay for it?
Can it actually get done
that quickly?
Can we really replace coal
with the electricity between
Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga?
Is it feasible?
There are enough real questions
about the Green New Deal
for conservatives
to take issue with,
but I guess it's more fun
to just scare America
into thinking it's about
to become a vegan North Korea.
Yeah!
Because, obviously,
the Green New Deal
doesn't ban meat or dairy
or air travel or cars.
Right? You'll still be free
to eat your steak-flavored
ice cream on your private jet.
What Ocasio-Cortez wants to do
is invest in alternatives
that are better for the Earth.
Like, wherever it makes sense
to replace air travel
with high-speed rail,
we should do that.
And honestly,
why would you be against that?
Who's that one guy
who'll be like,
"But if we don't use planes,
how will I take a shit
"in a bathroom that's only
two inches larger than my body?
Huh? This is an outrage!"
But look,
it's no surprise that Fox News
would oppose a plan
that a Democrat came up with.
What is surprising
is that the country's
most powerful Democrat
would also be dissing
the Green New Deal.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi
throwing some shade at it,
telling Politico...
(reading):
Ooh!
"The green dream
or whatever they call it"?
That's so cold.
She dismissed the Green New Deal
like it was, like, that weird
kind of YouTube challenge.
You know? It was like,
"All the kids these days
"are trying to snort cinnamon
up their butts
"or save the planet
for the human race
or something like that."
But, look, not everyone is so
lukewarm on the Green New Deal.
In fact, polls show young people
are extremely supportive
of strong action
against climate change,
which is probably why
many of the Democrats
running for president
have also said
that they support it.
Because if you want to connect
with the youth and the energy
of the Democratic party
right now,
you want to be on board
with Ocasio-Cortez.
She's basically the Cardi B
of politics.
Yeah. It doesn't matter
what she's rapping.
You want to feature
on her tracks.
Yeah. Oh,
she's basically like...
♪ I like high-speed trains ♪
♪ Carbon tax and no planes ♪
♪ That's what I'm doing now ♪
♪ And the people gather round. ♪
That's her thing.
