

# All about you, part 1

# (Love &Hate series #1)

by

### Joanna Mazurkiewicz

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Copyright

Copyright © 2014 by Joanna Mazurkiewicz

First published in Great Britain in 2014 by Joanna Mazurkiewicz. The right of Joanna Mazurkiewicz to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act of 1988.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are product of the author's imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the author/publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review to be printed in a newspaper, magazine, journal or blog.

# Table of Contents

Chapter one

Chapter two

Chapter three

Chapter four

Chapter five

Chapter six

Chapter seven

# Chapter one
# Him

## Present

"We are here," yells my friend Dora, slamming unexpectedly on the brake pedal. The baggage on the top of the back seat falls over, hitting me in the back of my head. I curse silently, hoping that Dora can't hear me. She knows that I don't use this kind of language anymore.

"That's great," I mutter, massaging my scull. Dora beams, looking at me from the driver's side. I chose to sit in the back hoping to catch up with some sleep, but my plan failed because Dora blasted music on full when we left Gargle, our hometown.

"Oh my God, India, this is so exciting. We are finally here," she flaps with her high-pitched voice. "Look at these buildings. Can you imagine what—"

We both get out of the car while she talks. I know that I should be listening, but I can't seem to focus today, and her monologue about the wild parties is always the same. An odd sensation brushes over me and I start to wonder why I'm not excited like Dora. We both have been counting the days to come to Braxton, and now I feel like I need to turn back. Maybe I'm not meant to go anywhere else but Gargle.

I take a few deep breaths and stretch my neck. Braxton University is the place where I always wanted to study. My mother and grandmother went here. Dora always wanted to live alone; she has been talking about this ever since she was accepted.

Me, on the other hand, I just couldn't wait to get away from my toxic past.

Dora is my best friend, but I'm not sure if I made the right decision to drag her here with me this time around. Her parents are wealthy, so she could go anywhere in England that she wanted to, but in the end she followed me.

Maybe she decided to come to Braxton because we always did everything together. We aren't at all similar, but we have known each other for years and it's just easy that way. Dora would be a distraction from all the important stuff that I planned to do this year. She wants to party and carry on with the life she had in Gargle. Me? I want to distance myself from the past and concentrate on things that matter.

I walk around the car and start taking my bags out of the boot. The sun is blazing in the sky, burning the nape of my neck. In a few weeks it will get cold; it's surprising that the weather is still good in late September. But I feel an odd tension in the air as if this peaceful day is going to be ruined by a thunderstorm. I notice heavy dark clouds starting to gather in the south.

"Come on, India, let's move. I want to check out the campus before it gets dark," Dora says, pulling me back to reality.

"All right, chill out. The bags are heavy," I snap.

"Oh, sorry, Miss Sensitive," she says, frowning. "Why are you in such a bad mood today?"

"I'm fine. Cut it out. Just tired," I reply through tightly pursed lips. She waves her hand and starts walking. I bite my lips, knowing exactly what she is talking about. I was up late last night thinking about Christian and the next day I'm never the same after doing that.

We left Gargle in the early afternoon. Mum insisted on packing tons of food for us. She still thinks that we won't be able to cook a proper meal and we would be living on beans on toast. My little sister, Josephine, kept asking if she could come and visit me soon. She wants to see Braxton for herself. She is only fifteen, but she's already heard stories about university life, and she can't wait to taste the freedom for herself.

I take my bags and start following Dora. Her brown hair is flowing freely around her shoulders. She is walking towards the blocks of student apartments. I don't know why but my stomach makes a funny jolt when I see the buildings that stretch in front of us.

We cross the path walking towards the entrance. I switch my bag, as my arm starts to ache, and drag my main suitcase behind me. We both notice the group of students throwing the rugby ball to each other outside on the grass. Dora is already playing with her hair, pretending that she is struggling with her luggage, probably hoping that any of those blokes would give her a hand. I roll my eyes, ignoring her moans, and move ahead. For a brief moment I feel someone's eyes on me, so I stop and turn around.

One of the guys who was throwing the ball is staring directly at me. His eyes squeeze shut and a fire spreads over my spine. He seems familiar, but I shake my head, knowing that I don't know anyone in Braxton and the sudden blaze of heat is just in my imagination. Dora manages to get the attention of one of the guys and they start chatting away. This is just so typical of her.

"Pass the ball, Jacob," someone shouts behind me. But I ignore that voice, which sounds so familiar, heating up the blood that runs through my body. I think about back home. Mum asked me to call her when we reach Braxton just to make sure that we arrived safely.

Then something hits me hard in the back of the head and I let go a loud "Owww!" and turn swiftly around. I spot the rugby ball on the grass and reach out to massage my head. I narrow my eyes, spotting the same guy who was staring at me a few second ago. He is smirking.

"What's your problem?" I ask, my jaw tense with anger.

He doesn't look sorry at all that he hit me with the ball. He is tall and muscular. His dark hair is cut close to his scalp. For some reason the "special forces" haircut suits him. He is too far ahead so I can't see the color of his eyes, but his gaze is pulling me to him like he is made of a magnet. Jeans hang low on his hips and his white T-shirt is dirty, probably from rolling on the grass. I glance back at his friends who are staring at me, startled. Something isn't right here—he obviously wanted to hit me on purpose.

"Well, who have we got here? Isn't it the one and only, India Gretel?" he says loudly, like he wants to make sure that everyone hears him.

"Do I know you?" I ask with impatience, eyeing him from head to toe. A large whacky grin appears on his handsome face. Something in his eyes tells me that we already met. His eyes harden on me as he picks up the ball and closes the gap between us. He has a wide jaw and full beautiful lips.

"Don't fucking tell me that you forgot about me already, Indi?" he asks, smirking. "Boys, let me introduce the biggest bitch that ever stepped in Braxton."

I blink rapidly, staring at him, digging all my memories out or anything that could tell me if I've seen him before, but I get nothing.

"Oliver, who the hell is that?" asks one of the guys walking up towards him. Dora probably notices my little show because she approaches me, looking equally confused.

"India, who is that douchebag?" she asks, frowning.

Oliver. That name rolls in my head like a snooker ball. It curls my toes and increases my heartbeat. It's like a poison that crawls into my pores and wrecks my body. His name brings on both good and bad within me. It's the name that I have been trying to forget for the past two years.

I stare at him like he isn't really there and I'm hallucinating. My heart starts pounding, sending a signal to my brain to start running when he approaches me.

It's not him; it can be.

"I'm sorry. I don't know who you are," I say, but my voice easily gives away my lie. The memories squirm back to me. Even the color of his eyes is the same. They are his and I could never forget them. Deep blue, looking straight through me, touching down to my pain that his brother caused so many times. I cut the eye contact quickly enough and turn around but have trouble breathing.

"I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it really works," he shouts, and his friends laugh.

"Hold on, India, is that—"

"Dora, I didn't know that you were still friends with that witch?"

Another insult that hurts more than the first one. The blood drains from my face and my body goes rigid. I try to count to control myself, but the warm guilt pours into my stomach like a hot lava. Dora recognizes him straightaway.

"Oh my God, Oliver, is that really you?" She chuckles. "You've changed," she says. I look back at her, trying to give her a sign to move along, but she is standing there still staring at him.

He continues humiliating me. "Do tell my friends here about yourself, Indi. We all enjoy good horror stories."

"Dora, let's go," I snap, even though I feel too numb to move. I clench my teeth and drag my feet forward, ignoring my skyrocketing pulse.

"Oliver, you look hot," Dora sings flirtatiously. "See you around."

She hurries after me. My stomach goes through a series of contractions as we walk through the building. My heart is pounding like it's just about to explode. I need to take a deep breath and forget that I saw him. He was never supposed to go to Braxton. He isn't here; it's just my hallucination. I wished that I could change the past, but the tiny voice in my head states that I brought this on myself.

## Past

"Do you want to stay a bit longer, honey?" Mum asked, touching my palm gently as if I were made of glass. We were alone; many people had already left. Mum was waiting to take me home, but I couldn't move, watching the Bearers. They were lowering Christian's coffin down to the ground, their faces stone cold. Soon no one was going to remember him and the things that he'd done. Soon he was going to be forgotten.

Heavy, grey clouds hung over our heads. I stared at the same spot for several minutes, seeing the demons of darkness and death. They approached me, crawling over my back and digging long needles through my heart.

"Yes," I replied, not recognizing my own voice, which sounded empty. Christian's mother had asked me to sit with her in front raw. People were talking to me, but everything was like a blur. People came, then left, but I was still there hurting.

Mum didn't say anymore. She got up and left me with my own nightmare, maybe because it was easier that way. I stared back as the coffin disappeared into the ground, and I was glad that he was dead. A few days had passed since the party at Christian's home. I still hadn't told anyone about what happened. When he dropped me home I'd gone straight to my bedroom and cried. Christian was an ideal teenager, but a few weeks before his death he turned into a psychopath. He knew throughout the years that I didn't feel the same way about him, but he kept this knowledge under control until the party, then he lost it. He was devious, he made sure that no one noticed anything.

My mother had knocked around midnight. For several minutes she was silent, then she gave me the news. Christian had a car accident and he died in the hospital. Then she hugged me and told me to let it all go. I sobbed, feeling sorrow along with an incredible relief filling me up slowly. Part of me wanted him to be dead, the other part still loved him.

My wish had come true a few hours after he hurt me.

Then it was the funeral, and I was standing there glad that he was out of my life. I didn't know how I was going to deal with the pain and those cruel memories. He destroyed me, then he disappeared.

Christian was gone; he took his vicious and sadistic part of him to the grave, but he left me with emotional scars and a nightmare that I will never forget.

"India."

It was Oliver. I didn't even notice when he approached me, but I recognized his voice straightaway. He stood beside me for a moment, and my anger and agitation grew. I turned to face him.

"What do you want, Oliver?" I snapped. His long dark hair hung over his shoulders; his eyes peered at me from beneath long black eyelashes. He was wearing a long black Goth coat.

"I just wanted to make sure that you're all right," he said, placing his hand on my arm. I clenched my fists and tensed my body. Pure rage started coursing through my bloodstream. Oliver was the one that was supposed to be at that party. If he had shown up like he promised, I would never have had to go through that nightmare. It was all his fault.

"He is gone, Oliver. You don't need to check on me. You don't have to be around me anymore," I shouted. My heart was pounding, but I felt so much better as soon as I said it.

"Come on, India, I know you are hurting, but he was my brother and I'll miss him, too." He moved closer. I pulled away and got up, stomping away from him.

"I hate you, Oliver. I fucking hate your guts," I yelled. "Just stay away from me. I don't want you anywhere near me."

He stood there looking at me as if I were speaking in a different language. His eyes darkened and he looked away. I felt better pushing him away. Fighting with him and hurting him was like a therapy. I felt released.

"Indi, I don't get it—"

"You don't need to get anything, Oliver. I swear that I'll make your life difficult if you don't stay away. I mean it. Christian is dead and we are done."

I turned and walked away, leaving him next to his dead brother. Before the party, I would have thrown myself into his arms and told him that we had to be strong now. But that was then. Now I was in pieces.

# Chapter two
# Back to square one

## Present

"Can you believe that it was him?" Dora asks for the fourth time, pacing around the room. I try to take a long deep breath, hoping the nausea will pass, but I feel like I'm going to throw up at any second. My heart is still pounding, pumping way too much blood to my head. In a matter of seconds the past is crushing back at me, and Christian's body is lying next to me. Everything is falling apart.

"No, I can't," I reply with an uneasy tone. "What the hell is he even doing here? He was supposed to be in Edinburgh."

She looks at me, tossing her brown hair behind her. Dora is a beautiful girl with olive eyes and long thick eyelashes. She is short, only five foot four, a petite woman with a sharp tongue. She doesn't let people to walk over her.

"That's what we all heard, but he obviously didn't go to Scotland," she mutters. "He looks so hot. And did you see his muscles? I never knew that he worked out."

The panic passes through my body. This wasn't the Oliver that I used to know. The one from the past was this unpopular, nerdy teenager that everyone used to make fun of. He was always in the shadow of his brother. Today I just met a new Oliver—strong, gorgeous, and confident. And Oliver remembers; he never forgot how I used to bully him.

"I guess he looks better," I mumble, trying to take my mind off the man outside our building. Only a few minutes ago we got the keys to our apartment, but Dora doesn't seem to care. She wants to know everything about the new gorgeous Oliver and the transformation that he went through.

She flops on the sofa staring at me with her mouth wide open. "Are you blind, India? Can you not see how much he's changed? He is so much handsomer than Christian," she hisses. "Besides, our group in high school gave him a hard time. I always wondered—why did you hate him so much?"

"It was never about hating him. He just annoyed me," I tell her, although we both know that it's a lie. She is right. I hated him because he wasn't there for me when I needed him the most.

"Bullshit, India. It all started after Christian—" She goes silent, not finishing that sentence that always makes me mad. She knows that I don't react well when she mentions Oliver's brother, Christian.

"After the accident," I say quietly. The uncomfortable silence blows out around us. I've forbidden her from talking about him. When people remind me about him I become a different person, cruel and defensive. No one knows what happened, even Dora. She thinks that I changed because I lost him.

"Yeah, after that," she says, scratching her head. "I don't like that new you. The old India was more fun."

I don't respond, pretending to look around our new apartment. I intend to not talk about my past for the rest of the day. Oliver is in Braxton and I need to try to deal with this the best I can. Dora needs to understand that the old India has gone, and she is never coming back.

Dora starts talking about something else, and I'm glad that she ditches that uncomfortable subject. An hour later, she vanishes into her bedroom to deal with unpacking.

Dora's mum and dad divorced when she was around ten, and since then she has been floating between both parents. I don't think that she ever got over the fact that her parents split up. Her father couldn't see her that often, so he made sure that he gave her money to make up for the lost time. Back in high school Dora had the best clothes and the latest technological gadgets that everyone else could only dream of. She never had to chase after guys. She was popular and never had a problem with dates. We were close, but only two years ago I found out that she was suffering from depression and anxiety. She was seeing a psychologist occasionally. Apparently it had something to do with the fact that her dad wasn't around.

We've been friends for years, but I have never seen her in any distress. Maybe it's because she ditched school quite a lot. When she was absent, she never returned any of her phone calls and her mother never let me in, saying that Dora didn't wish to see anyone.

Today I leave her alone. Then after a few hours I gently knock on her door and enter. She is sorting her clothes, muttering something about the shoes and the size of the wardrobe. She has to have everything sorted exactly the way she wants, which means that she can't stand a mess. Even her underwear drawer is folded alphabetically.

We kind of bonded in primary school, when my father died. After that, it was only me, Mum, and my little sister, Josephine. My father had a heart attack, and his death nearly cost Mum her job. She didn't leave her room for days. Then she started drinking. She never used to drink, but a few weeks after the funeral she had to have at least a glass of wine every evening. It wasn't a pretty time, but we managed to get through it. After her boss told her that she would lose her job, Mum finally stopped drowning her grief in alcohol. That day she changed, and we had her back.

When Dora finally emerges from her room, it's early evening. I know that all her clothes have been folded in the wardrobe by then. She is sort of weird like that, sitting on her own for hours. Deep down I know that she is going through some emotional whiplash. I don't disturb her. I let her take her time.

"What are you wearing?" she asks narrowing her eyes and pointing at my outfit. I look down at my old jeans and ugly T-shirt that's more grey than yellow. Yes, I look like a tramp, but who cares? It's only Dora and me.

"Comfortable clothes. Why?"

"Because we're going out for food," she says, staring at her reflection in the mirror. I automatically cringe and consider staying in the apartment on my own. I'm not comfortable going out, knowing that he is out there.

"I don't want to go out. It's our first night here," I protest.

"That's the point. We didn't come here to sit around. We are here to party, so get that sexy arse of yours to the bathroom." She smirks, pushing me towards my room.

I pull my caramel hair in a messy knot with one hand, tapping my fingers on the edge of the table with the other. Recently I have been doing this more often, this small ritual kind of calms me down—until the memories of the party come flashing back to my brain.

I'm not bad looking; people have always told me that I'm pretty. I have long wavy hair that I straighten often and brown eyes. I've got very fair skin with millions of freckles around my nose and cheeks, which tend to be embarrassing when people point that out. My self-esteem used to be high, but now it's all like mushy peas. All because of Oliver's brother, Christian.

I pull skinny jeans over my long legs and put a low-cut top on. I stopped using makeup two years ago, but tonight Dora wants me to become the old India, the one from high school. Ruthless and flirtatious, the kind of girl that she expects me to be. I went through a transformation after Oliver left to go to University. He was nearly two years older than me and as soon as he graduated high school, he took an offer of a scholarship in Scotland and vanished from Gargle. I've lost him, so I stopped being cruel, wild and obnoxious towards others. He wasn't around anymore, so I couldn't pour out my frustration on anyone else anymore.

Throughout the year, I quietened down and understood that I pushed him away, hurt him and ruined his life. It was time for me to share my secret with him, but then it was too late, because he was already gone and no one knew if he was going to come back.

Dora still likes to be the center of attention, as she never received enough from her father. Her mum was always pleasant. She kept inviting me over so I could use their pool in the summer. They live in the better part of Gargle in a large house. Her mother works as a solicitor. Dora never had to worry about money. If she wanted something, she just got it.

I live on the outskirts of Gargle in a more modest location. After my father died, Mum had to handle the responsibility of looking after us alone. She never let us think that we were poor, but she had to count every penny. I remember that my sister wanted to do gymnastics like her friends, but Mum couldn't afford it. But mum always made sure that we were reasonably happy.

I bring back all these silly memories, wondering if I'm ever going to be happy in Braxton. Oliver changed. He isn't weak anymore, and I'm certain that he still remembers how I treated him.

Dora smirks at me when I leave the bathroom; she approves the clothes that I chose. Tonight she is showing off her cleavage, wearing a mini skirt with her high boots. She knows how to use her assets. I made a promise to myself before I left. I don't want to get involved with anyone. After Christian died I went out with a few guys, lost my virginity to one of them, hoping to forget. That didn't happen, and I was back to square one.

"C'mon, let's see if we can find ourselves a guy for this fine evening." She giggles, taking one last glance at herself in the mirror.

"Looking like that, you probably will," I say, as I finish styling my caramel hair. I can't do anything about the freckles. I hate my fair completion. I can't even go outside without a high factor screen when it's sunny because I burn so quickly.

Dora places her hands on her hips and narrows her eyes. "I don't understand, India. You are hot, but you're playing like no one can replace Christian. Just go out there and have fun like in high school."

"I'm not interested in dating, Dora. This isn't high school. I told you I would have to work hard to keep up with all those nerds. Plus I've got rowing training to think about."

"Rowing?" she says, laughing. "Are you seriously considering doing that crap?"

I hate that she is so opinionated about everything. She has no idea what makes me happy. She likes to be in control, and if she loses that control she locks herself up and pretends that everything is all right.

"It's a sport, Dora, the sport that I like, so stop being so negative about everything."

She looks away, chewing her upper lip. "I'm not negative. You just need to chill out. You don't seem to want do anything these days."

"Partying isn't on my list of priorities anymore, Dora, so get used to it. Otherwise I'll forget we've been friends for so long," I say. "Now lets go out. I'm starving."

Outside, Dora quickly forgets about our tense conversation and keeps cracking jokes about Oliver. The evening is warm, the breeze ruffling my hair. Hopefully it will stay like that for the rowing trials. The campus is full of students who are enjoying fresher's week; subconsciously I know that we should join them. Today we're starting our first year of university, at the age of nineteen and I suppose we need to have some fun, too. Dora suggests that we grab a quick takeout from the local shop.

While we're eating, Dora chats away with the group of girls from Essex. Her father lives there and she practically thinks that she is an Essex girl now. I'm amazed at her ability to make friends so quickly. They aren't particularly bright, but Dora already has them swirled around her small finger, throwing a bunch of complements. It takes her a while to introduce me, but that's just her and I'm used to it by now.

"India, listen, Louise is telling me that there is a party going on, like ten minutes walk from here."

"Dora, come on, I'm not in the mood," I complain, knowing that I would be the one that would have to take her home. She doesn't know her limit.

"It's fresher week, we don't have to wake up early tomorrow."

I shake my head, but Dora is right. My Internet is not even hooked up yet, the TV is still in the car, and I left a lot of my DVDs at home. There is nothing to do in the apartment.

"Fine, let's go then," I mutter. She squeaks, jumping up and down.

The Essex girls are giggling. Shortly after that, I'm introduced to Louise and Nicole who are studying nursing. They are also freshers just like Dora and me. My friend talks about everything and anything assuming that her new company is willing to listen. She knows that I know everything about her and I've already heard all of her unbelievable stories.

Ten minutes later, we walk through the alley, hearing the loud music from the semi- detached houses. A group of people are outside holding bottles of beer. One of the guys is puking. I think about that evening with Oliver just before Christian died and tense automatically. I tell myself it's just another random party, that there is nothing to worry about. And I feel better—right until I step inside the house notice him there.

## Past

It was just after the funeral that I realized that it was Oliver's fault. He could have stopped Christian if he would've shown up like we arranged earlier. After Christian's death, I started pouring my hatred down on people that I cared about. I was popular at high school; everyone wanted to hang with me. It took me two years to get on the cheerleader squad and five to gain a scholarship. My mum used to laugh that I was born under a lucky star. Although things were great from the outside, inside I was rotten. My soul had been infected by Christian. He loved me, cherished me—and he destroyed me. The worst part was that he was dead and I couldn't get my revenge.

Dora and I and our posse were walking through the corridor laughing about same lame joke that Dora told us. We had a little break between classes, so we were just about to get lunch, when I saw Oliver standing by the vending machine. His long black hair was pulled back in a ponytail. He was staring at me.

Whenever I looked at him I remembered everything from that day at the party. His posture, his hands, and his long hair reminded me of Christian. Two guys from his year passed him and pushed me towards the wall. He didn't react. He allowed people to get away with whatever they wanted by acting weak, We'd drifted apart after Christian's death, after the funeral when I told him that I didn't want to be part of his life anymore.

He took the can of coke from the machine and started walking towards the stairs.

"Hey, Ollie, is it true that you couldn't get it up with Marisa?" I shouted. I didn't know what came over me then. It was like I became a different person. As soon as those words left my mouth, a warmth filled my stomach and the pain eased. I'd found a new way of dealing with those unsettled emotions. After the funeral I'd decided to stay away from him, but right now I felt so much better seeing him hurt.

My girlfriends laughed, and Oliver froze on the spot. I was aware that there must have been around dozen people in that corridor. That didn't stop me; instead it gave me a buzz to continue.

"Cocksucker," Ryan shouted from behind me. I laughed and the girls laughed with me. Oliver just stood there staring at me with those empty eyes.

"I always knew that he was gay," yelled Ryan's mate. We all burst out laughing. Oliver turned and walked away.

I was high for the rest of the day, high on hatred, and for the first time in months I didn't have nightmares.

Oliver hadn't spoken to me since that day. Whenever I looked at him, it was only to get rid of the memories, and I had to hurt him again. So I did until he left.

# Chapter three
# Threat

## Present

There is no way to pretend that I can't see him. Oliver has his arms around a pretty blonde girl. I try to look away, but I can't deny that I'm shocked seeing him here. The girl has massive boobs that pop out of her tank top like two swollen balloons. My eyes dart away and I wonder if I can get out of here before he notices me. His attention is on the girl for another second or so before he turns, looking at the exact spot where I'm standing right now. The panic whisks through me, and I quickly look away, already knowing that he is aware that I'm here.

I bite my lip, contemplating if running out is an option. Now I understand that horrible feeling in my gut that has been bothering me all day. Somehow my mind projected that we could meet again, and here I'm afraid to even acknowledge him. I glance back at him, and from a distance I notice a small smile that creeps over his mouth. My heart skips a beat when he leans toward the girl and whispers something in her ear. Then they both look at me.

I turn around in a panic to face Dora and her new beautiful companions. "We need to leave...now," I stutter. I feel like he is tearing my body to pieces from inside out.

"What? We just got here," Dora says.

"Yeah, have a drink," adds Nicole, handing me a plastic cup with something inside that looks like beer. Louise is already chatting with a tall dark-haired student.

"Oliver is here and he is staring at us," I hiss, trying to push her outside, but she's having none of it. She looks behind me, probably trying to bring his attention to me, but that's the last thing I want. I'm thinking that Dora is ruining everything. My new plan that involves staying away from Oliver is out the window.

"What are you talking about, India? He looks busy with that blondie over there." She giggles.

I turn around slowly and peer through my eyelashes. Oliver is no longer staring. His arms are wrapped around the girl's arse and he is kissing her. My stomach drops and a wave— thick and heated with jealousy—sweeps through me like a waterfall. They aren't kissing like a loving couple in the park afraid of being seen. Their kisses are hard, deep; I can picture their tongues swirling inside each other's mouths. My brain is sending an alert to my body to stop looking, but I can't. His lips are taking control of hers, and he is reaching deep down, pressing her down with his body. People are staring. Someone whistles. I instantly feel memories of Christian flashing through my mind.

"I need a drink," I say and rush as far away as I can from Oliver and his "girlfriend."

"Now you're talking," sings Dora, following me.

My stomach twists into knots when I think about that evening in the cinema when we shared our first kiss.

## Past

It was a rainy Wednesday night when I went to Christian's house excited to see a new James Bond film. Movies were my passion, and I couldn't miss a premiere of a brand new classic action film. I ran a blog where I posted all my reviews, and I had a decent number of followers. Christian never shared my enthusiasm for films. He had a short attention span, so he managed to sleep though most of the films that we went to. He also didn't like sitting in a dark room watching films that he could download at home. He knew that I was obsessed, and he also knew that I would go, with or without him.

Christian's mother opened the door and let me inside. Her cheeks were rosy, and I noticed a half-empty glass of wine in her hand.

"Come on in, India. You're soaked right through," she said, passing me a towel. Getting wet was just the part of the deal. I always used to forget an umbrella purposely. Mum caught me a few times when I was walking back from school in the rain. She used to get mad, shouting that if I got the flu she would send me ill to school. I was kind of weird like that: I liked feeling rain on my bare skin.

Christian's family lived in one of those large posh houses with fronted bay windows in the better part of Gargle. His father worked a lot—he was barely home—and his mother liked her drink, maybe a bit too much. She was slightly drunk when I walked through the door. Christian gave me a kiss, passing me his hoody. He was tall and well built with long dark hair. He'd played rugby since he was in primary school.

"Are you ready to go?" I asked. "The film starts in half an hour."

"Yeah. Listen, do you mind if Oliver comes with us?"

My heart started hammering in my chest when Christian mentioned his name. I felt someone's eyes on me, so I turned around. Oliver was walking downstairs. His long black hair hung over his shoulders. He was wearing a leather jacket and black pants. He smiled and all of the sudden heat embraced my body, sending a signal to my brain that I shouldn't be here.

"Yes, sure," I replied in a small voice.

"What are we going to see?" asked Oliver, coming towards me.

"A new Bond film. It's got great reviews."

"All right, children, let's go. The sooner we get this over with, the better," Christian said, sending a wink to Oliver. I hated when Christian forced himself to be with me. He could just say that he didn't want to watch the film.

"Have fun," his mother said, not taking her eyes off the TV.

We left the house and jumped into to Christian's Audi. I sat in the back and put my headphones on, hoping to chill out a little with my favorite music. The cinema was only around a ten-minute drive. I avoided the premiere days, as Christian always complained about crowds. This new film that we were going to see had been out for two weeks, so we didn't have to worry about an overcrowded screening.

Christian was in charge of drinks and snacks while Oliver and I went to take our seats. I was excited to see the film. My formal boyfriend came back just before it started and sat next to me. Oliver was sitting on my right. For the first half hour I couldn't concentrate on what was happening on the screen. Oliver's arm kept brushing over mine. I wasn't sure if he was doing it purposely or if he was just uncomfortable. My pulse was skyrocketing, and every time he touched me a violent tremor passed through my whole body. I liked Christian. He was always a perfect gentleman; up to this time he'd never pushed me to do anything that I didn't want to do. But I never felt that spark with him that I felt whenever Oliver was around. Christian and I were together physically, but mentally my heart belonged to someone else.

Halfway through the film, Christian was asleep. That was his routine, and it meant I could finally enjoy the movie.

"Hey, Indi," Oliver whispered.

I swallowed hard, turning slowly around. I blinked twice, seeing his perfect blue eyes. His face was only a couple inches away from mine and that terrified me because my heart nearly stopped beating. The odd, unfamiliar sensation settled between my thighs.

Oliver was looking straight through me. He brushed his thumb over my face and I shivered, wondering how far he would go. He'd never shown any interest in me, certainly never in front of Christian. He leaned towards me and his lips brushed over mine gently as if he didn't really mean to kiss me. I was levitating with desire that suddenly rolled over my entire body.

Then he stopped and sat back, breathing hard. I waited for him to carry on, but he just sat there staring at the film. His brother was snoring next to me, and my heart continued beating violently throughout the rest of the film.

## Present

I close my eyes trying to erase that memory from my mind. It's just the past. Oliver was only playing with me then like he is playing with me right now. He couldn't know that I had any feelings for him. I kept that secret hidden away for years.

I walk to the fridge and pick up a bottle of beer. It's way too hot in this house, but the kitchen is spacious and there is plenty food on the table. People are chatting amongst themselves. Dora doesn't look happy, drinking her beer and staring at half-cooked pizza. Then a group of students walks in laughing loudly.

"Hey, Jacob," Dora shouts, flickering her long eyelashes. She is beside him within a second. We both remember him. Jacob is the guy that threw the ball with Oliver when we arrived. I already hate him and I hate that Dora decides to hit on him. I know that look on her face, plus Jacob is in her type. Tall, well built with messy blond hair.

"Oh hey, I was wondering if you would show up." He grins, nodding to the rest of the guys to give him some space. They start talking and soon his arm is around her.

I can't help but roll my eyes and carry on drinking and watching people. Dora pushes him away playfully, pretending that she is a good girl and she doesn't get close to the blokes that she doesn't know. We both know that's just her game plan. Dora adores attention. Half an hour later she completely forgets that I exist. The alcohol and loud music could turn people into zombies. I know, because I used to be some of those people.

"Come on, let's check the garden. I want to show you something," Jacob says, suddenly taking Dora's hand.

"Yeah, great," she replies.

"Dora, where are you going? We need to leave," I protest, but she vanishes into the garden. It's not uncommon for my best friend to just bail on me with a guy she just met, but this time I'm worried because Jacob might be Oliver's best buddy.

My skin tingles and I take a few deep breaths, wondering what to do with myself. Two Essex girls are also gone. Someone increases the volume and the music blasts, jackhammering my brain. I'm in dangerous territory. I'm scared to leave this precious spot because Oliver is somewhere out there and here I feel safe.

A few more people walk into the kitchen. A young-looking student passes everyone brand new shot glasses straight from the box. I take one, not saying a word. It's not long before he pours vodka for everyone and I'm forced to drink. I don't want to look like an idiot in front of everyone else. Two years ago I partied almost every weekend with Dora and other friends, so I should be used to vodka.

"Another one!" yells the girl, lifting the glass, so there is one more round. Somehow I manage to sneak away from the kitchen with the lame excuse that I need to find the bathroom. It's safe to be back in the living room. Oliver is nowhere to be seen, and I don't have to keep drinking. The music is much louder now, and Dora is still nowhere to be found. I can only hope she isn't having sex with Jacob in the back of the house, although I wouldn't be surprised if she is.

The vodka leaves a disgusting taste in my mouth. My stomach makes a flip, so I hurry upstairs to find a toilet. A few drunken students push me over, and I clench my teeth hoping the nausea will pass.

In the bathroom, I lock the door and sit on the floor for a minute or so. Luckily I don't have to puke, but my body is drenched with sweat. It takes me a moment to pull myself together.

I look at my reflection in the mirror, wondering if I'm ever going to feel normal again. My caramel-colored hair is all over the place, my cheeks are flushed, and my muscles are aching. I run my finger over my eyes to remove the smudges from my black eyeliner. My stomach makes an uncomfortable growl as I take a few long breaths.

Then I hear a noise and someone enters. I lift my gaze, and in the mirror I see a familiar face. Our eyes meet and the ache in my heart starts vibrating through my bones, causing an eruption of panic. The air ceases in my lungs. I could have sworn that I locked the door when I came in, but now Oliver is here, standing in that small space with me.

For several long moments, no one makes a move. His eyes harden on me. Only two steps divide us, and I consider screaming. The adrenaline starts pumping through my body, but I stand there immobile, wondering what he will do or say.

A small smile creeps across his mouth as he locks the door of the bathroom.

This is not good, not good at all.

My mind shouts at me to start running, but I can't move. He's changed so much since the last time I saw him. His lean, ripped body looks thrilling, and I begin to wonder if he always aimed to look like his brother. Strong, handsome, and not afraid of anyone, even me. His pupils dilate and he inhales quickly, taking a step forward.

"Get out," I say before he gets too close to me. My voice sounds weak, but Oliver doesn't even acknowledge my order. He moves even closer. Soon I'm pinned to the basin, breathing like an asthmatic. His hands are on both sides and I'm at his mercy. His eyes are penetrating me, showing me that he is in charge like I once had been.

My heart leaps in my throat, but I don't dare to move. I'm afraid to touch him, to make a connection with his body. Christian was a monster, and Oliver is a man who desires his payback. He wants to break me, though, not caring that we were friends once before.

"Indi, you're going to listen to me very carefully because I won't be repeating myself. It's only this once, right now, that we are going to talk," he says, almost whispering as he leans close to my face.

I want to move away, scream, shout or do anything to get away from him, but my body doesn't want to react. I'm holding my breath, feeling the heat embrace every small part of me. I can't give him any response. I'm not the person that I used to be. Here I'm weak, lost, and confused.

"You're will go back to wherever the fuck you've come from. You're going to pack. Then you will call your mother and tell her that you changed your mind about studying in Braxton. Then you will take the next bus to Gargle and stay there until you figure out what to do with your life."

He stops talking and waits for my reaction or response. His closeness is killing me. I'm not able to hurt him the way I used to. My demons are back, but there isn't any hatred left within me. I poured everything out on Oliver years ago.

I'm hanging there, taking long rigid breaths, wondering if he is serious. When his expression doesn't change, I know that he is not joking. He wants me to leave Braxton, to stay away from his new life.

"I'm not going anywhere," I say, almost whispering after a long moment of silence. He can say what he wants, but I won't leave my dream behind. I worked too hard to get here. He can't expect me to throw my hard work away just because he can't deal with me.

His dark eyes narrow and his body tenses. There are two possibilities of what might happen: first Oliver would insult me and leave, or second, he might find a way to make me leave one way or another. It's my own fault that he is so angry right now. I ruined him and all the feelings that we had for each other.

"I'm giving you a chance to leave on your own accord, Indi," he says, smirking. "Otherwise, I won't have a choice, and I'll make you leave."

It's as if I'm enjoying the humiliation, not being able to push him away and stand up for myself. "I told you, I'm staying no matter what you say or do," I say through gritted teeth.

For a split second he gives me the impression that he said enough, but then he does something unexpected. He takes a step back and drags me over to the wall, pinning me closely to his chest. I let out an uncontrolled sharp gasp when his pushes his body closer to mine, locking my last possibility of escape. His cheek is right beside my cheek, and I wonder if he is capable of hurting me, the same way I hurt him. My body turns into mush, and the desire is back swirling inside me like a windstorm. I force my breathing in and out slowly.

"Oh, Indi," he begins, whispering to my ear, "I can't believe that you're throwing your chance away. If you don't want to stay miserable for the rest of the year, you need to leave Braxton today. I've tolerated you through high school, took all the insults and pranks, but now I'm a not the same person. I've changed. It's your choice, but remember, if you decide to stay, I'll be breathing down your neck, watching you. Trust me, you don't want to be my enemy because I'll hurt you."

Then, before I can even comprehend what he just said, he lets go of me and leaves the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. For a moment or two I stand there learning how to breathe again, my chest rising and falling. My mind spins as I roll down to the floor. This isn't happening to me. He didn't just give me an ultimatum. Oliver doesn't own me like his brother did. It's been two years since Christian died. It's been two years since I was freed.

I bring my hands to my face, sobbing quietly. If I won't comply, Oliver will make sure that I won't last in Braxton. He always keeps his word, and I know that he wasn't bluffing just now. I lift myself up and rinse my face. My green eyes are glazed and my cheeks are flushed.

I drop my head down and take a deep breath considering all the options. He is already winning. The old India would never have let him take control here. She would have fought, and she would have won.

# Chapter four
# It's just life

## Present

When I walk downstairs my legs are shaking, but Oliver is nowhere to be seen. He did what he needed to do, and I wouldn't be surprised if he bailed already. I've known Oliver for years, and despite what went on between us in high school, he was always cool and collected. He never challenged me about my behavior toward him. I can't find Dora anywhere. She is still probably with that guy Jacob.

The air downstairs is warm and dense. There are a lot more people in the room. Couples are spread in the corners making out in the rhythm of rock music. I walk back to the kitchen searching for Dora. I have goose pimples all over my arms and my stomach is in knots. I take my mobile and call her. She doesn't pick up. I don't know anyone at this party, so after half an hour of searching, I decide to go home. Dora is obviously having a great time, so there is no point disturbing her. She is a big girl and able to take care of herself.

The street is full of students. I shouldn't be surprised; it's the fresher week and people want to enjoy themselves. When I get to the apartment, my head starts spinning. I run to my room and start packing. Oliver has won. He wants me to leave, so that's exactly what I'm going to do. He always knew that I would choose Braxton. We'd talked about this for as long as we'd known each other. After the way I treated him in high school, he probably decided to pay me back by choosing the same university.

I pack all my stuff, wondering what I'm going to tell my mum. My head is aching so I lie down in my new bed. With the alcohol in my system, I decide to pack the rest tomorrow morning. By two o'clock in the morning I'm still not asleep. Dora hasn't come home yet, but when I look at my phone I see that she sent me a text saying that I shouldn't wait for her. I manage to drift off a few hours later.

I wake up in the morning with a headache. The memories from last night flow back to me, and I cringe thinking about my conversation with Oliver. I rub my sleepy eyes and look at my half-packed luggage. Tears of regret swell in my eyes when I think of the way I treated Oliver in high school. I meant to stop hurting him so many times, but I never did. I wanted to apologize, but something or someone always stopped me.

I hear laughter in the living room, and I wonder if Dora has a company. She has only been in Braxton for five minutes, but she's already met her potential boyfriend and two new girlfriends.

I put some clothes on and smooth my hair. When I walk into the living room I see Jacob, who has Dora on his lap. They are so engrossed with each other that they don't even notice me. I clear my throat to let them know that I'm in the room. It looks like my best friend has already marked Jacob as hers because he can't seem to take his eyes off her.

"Oh, India, you met Jacob?" asks my friend.

Jacob finally looks at me. "All right, India?"

"Fine, thanks."

I have to admit that I didn't expect him to be friendly towards me. After all, he is Oliver's mate—and from what it looks like, Dora's new boyfriend, if I can call him that. And if she dates him, that will only bring more trouble for me. I see my half-packed suitcase and change my mind. Oliver can threaten me, but I won't leave just because he can't stand me.

"Dora, what time did you get back yesterday? I didn't hear you come in."

"She didn't. She slept in my place," Jacob says. Dora has an attack of hysterical giggles, and I roll my eyes. I can't believe that she slept with him not even thinking about the consequences.

"Yes, Jacob just dropped me home. He's got a practice session in an hour," she informs me, stroking her brown hair.

"Great," I reply and head to the kitchen in need of coffee. Once the kettle boils, my mind wanders off to the bathroom at the party and Oliver's threat. He can't make me leave. I worked hard to get here. It's an easy decision, similar to the other that I made two years ago after Christian's funeral. I'm staying whether Oliver likes it or not.

I spend the rest of the day with Dora, listening to her monologue about Jacob after he leaves for rugby training. I've known her for too long; she gets bored of men quite easily. Jacob is handsome, but I don't see her sticking with him for that long. I keep quiet about my heated conversation with Oliver. It's better to keep Dora out of trouble.

The next few days pass too quickly. I'm forced to spend most of my days in my room because Jacob is always in our apartment. Neither of them is shy, and they don't care that I sit on the opposite sofa while they make out. On top of that, Dora isn't that great in the kitchen, so I'm the one that ends up preparing everything. Now I have to cook more because Jacob has a healthy appetite. This slowly starts to drive me crazy. My best friend doesn't seem to care. She has a new man in her life, she is away from her mum, and she can do what she wants. If I'd known this was the way she was imagining living with me, then I would have thought twice about it.

I haven't seen Oliver around campus since our tense rendezvous in the bathroom, but I try to have eyes in the back on my head. It doesn't take me long to discover that he is the captain of the rugby team. The posters of the team are all over campus, and he's the only person everyone is talking about, especially girls. I feel like he's already hunting me down.

My first rowing session is in a few days. The team hasn't been formed yet, but I'm looking forward to getting rid of my frustration during training.

I choose law as my main degree. But I don't have to make a final decision about where I want to take my career until my last year. Law always fascinated me. I also think it's partly because I really like those TV shows about troubled lawyers and criminals. Mum warned me that I might struggle to get the license, but I'm willing to try.

Classes start a week after the fresher week. My timetable looks busy, and for the first few days I run between classes trying to find the right room. Today I'm relieved when lunch hour approaches. Dora has been texting me all day demanding to talk to me, but I didn't have time to reply as I was so busy. I text her when I leave the lecture, saying that I'm heading for lunch. Dora is studying Business and Management. Her father works as a financial adviser so I think he influenced her to take on that subject. Dora isn't very ambitious, but she seems genuinely interested in business.

The canteen is packed, so I make a mental note to change my dinner schedule in the future. A few people stare at me more than usual as I walk in. I don't know anyone in Braxton, so I'm surprised that people actually notice me. I load my tray with food and go back to find a seat.

"India. Hey, India."

It's Dora. She waves to me from the other side of the hall, so I follow. Unfortunately, she isn't alone. Two Essex girls and Jacob are with her. My stomach tightens, but I don't let them see that I'm uncomfortable. I should be used to that by now. Company always follows Dora.

"Hey, guys." I greet them. The Essex girls nod toward me coldly. Dora feeds Jacob, who seems to be enjoying the attention.

"India, where have you been? I've been texting you all day," she says.

"I had classes, like most people here Dora," I reply, smiling. "What's up?"

"We need to talk."

"I'm starving and I've got another class in forty minutes, so it'll have to wait," I say. "Besides, knowing you, I guess it's nothing important." I start eating my chips and curry. I have a rowing session this afternoon so I need a lot of energy. The Essex girls are eating their salads and eyeing my plate with disgust.

Dora purses her lips together, jumps off Jacob's lap, and sits beside me. "It's really important, so come on. Let's move to the other table."

"Babe, I have my history module in fifteen minutes," Jacob complains.

"Yeah, babe, I'm in the middle of my lunch," I say, mocking Jacob, who doesn't seem to realize how silly that sounds. Dora isn't a babe for sure.

"No freaking way, Indi. You need to listen to what I've got to tell you. This is really important." She drags me away from the table.

I'm not in the mood for her stupid gossip. I get cranky when I'm hungry. We sit a few meters away from our table and more people stare in our direction. Oliver is like a god on campus, and all of the sudden he took an interest in me, so it seems everyone wants to know why I'm so special.

"Okay, you've got me now," I say. "So just be quick. I need to pop into the library after lunch."

"Did you have some kind of confrontation with our hot Oliver?" she asks, slamming her hands on the table.

My mouth goes dry. How the hell would Dora know about this? No one could know that Oliver threatened me in the bathroom. "No. We aren't exactly on speaking terms"

"Are you sure?"

"What are you getting at, Dora? Don't you remember Oliver and I hated each other? And we still do."

"I know, but I thought that you were doing that because you had feelings for him?"

I don't like where this conversation is going. I don't have any feelings for Oliver anymore. He is dead to me like Christian.

"He hit me with the ball, Dora. Do you think I'd be interested in a such a loser?"

She tosses her hair behind and licks her lips waving towards Jacob. "He is hot and every girl on the campus wants him. He changed, so I assumed that you also changed your perspective"

"Nothing's changed. I still want nothing to do with him."

"That's too bad because I always thought that you'd make a cute couple."

"Don't be delusional, Dora," I tell her, getting angry. "Christian was my boyfriend and

Oliver was his brother. That's the end of story."

"Fine, fine. I'm only teasing," she says. "Here is the thing. I made friends with a few girls from the cheerleader squad for the rugby boys, and they told me something very interesting about Oliver."

I hate when Dora gets all serious. She has that tendency of exaggerating the whole truth, even if it's just the smallest thing. She's doing that right now, like she needs to keep a secret but she can't wait to tell me everything. "Dora, seriously, I'm not interested. I want to stay away from Oliver. I'm here to study. Fooling around is not on the agenda."

She leans closer, touching my hand. Her olive eyes flicker with excitement. "You should be interested, because they were talking about you. Apparently Oliver made a bet over you with one of the boys from the rugby team."

I shake my head, confused for a moment, then I start laughing. "A bet?"

She narrows her eyes, looking angry. "Yes, Oliver told some other guy that you will leave within a few months, that he will make sure that you do," she says.

I stop smiling and look away, trying to compose myself. Violent emotions pull me apart and I don't know if I should laugh or cry. Is it really possible that he could go that far, to make sure that I disappear from his life? My heart starts pounding way too fast, and I swallow hard. Then Dora turns to look over my shoulder, and I feel like the atmosphere in the canteen shifts. Girls are turning their heads, sending wide smiles across the room. My skin goes hot within a moment because I already know who is walking through the canteen. I don't dare to turn around, but I can feel his blue eyes on my back.

The air changes when he is around, like he affects everyone.

"Are you done now?" I ask, looking her in the eye. Dora acts startled, her mouth hanging open.

Then I hear his voice and my stomach contracts.

"Jacob, we've got to rush."

"Come on, man, I haven't finished my food," complains Dora's brand new boyfriend.

"Don't care. We got stuff to do," says my enemy number one.

I tense my shoulders, praying he hasn't noticed me yet.

"Hey, Oliver," Dora shouts, giving one of her best smiles, "don't try to steal Jacob away from me. I haven't finished with him yet."

I drop my head to my hands wondering why Dora has to be so stupid. It would be better if he didn't notice me at all. No drama. Eventually I have to turn around, only because I don't want him to think that I'm scared of him.

His eyes never dart on me. He is staring at Dora. "Sorry, Dor."

Jacob mutters something under his breath, approaches the table where we are sitting, and kisses Dora very passionately.

I want to curl under the table and disappear. Oliver's presence is giving me an anxiety attack. I'm suddenly drenched with sweat. Now he knows for sure that I stayed.

"Bye, babe, I'll see you later," says Jacob, ignoring me completely this time around.

Oliver is still standing in the same spot. The Essex girls are smiling, trying to gain his attention, but he turns around and stops by my food. He picks up the salt and empties it out straight into my chips and curry sauce.

"Enjoy your food, Indi," he says with a smile and walks away laughing.

For a long moment I don't even know what's happened. I stare startled as sweat rolls down my back. Everyone in the canteen is staring at me in silence.

"And you wouldn't even listen," Dora says bitterly. "I told you so. He is going to do anything to make your life difficult."

I shove my hands into my pockets, ignoring the stares. My mind is hollow. "I dare him try," I say through the gritted teeth.

"India, he owns Braxton. Maybe you should try to talk to him?" Dora says, flexing her fingers.

I don't respond. Instead, I pick up my tray and throw into the bin. Oliver just cost me lunch. If he thinks that he can bully me out of Braxton, then he is wrong. I'm staying and I'm not going to pay any attention to whatever he does.

"I don't care, Dora. I'm here for myself not for him, and I'm telling you he will lose that bet."

# Chapter five
# Challenge

## Past

Christian and Oliver showed up at my school when I was around ten.

Their mother went to talk to the headmaster and she asked them to wait for her on one of the benches outside my class. On the break between classes Oliver kept looking at me but it was Christian who came up to to me first and introduced himself. I wanted to be friends with them, because they were older and not from Gargle.

We became best friends shortly after that. Christian was loud, confident and he obviously liked me, Oliver was just the boy that was easy to talk too. He was quiet, lost in his own thoughts and liked to keep away from others.

They didn't have an easy life. Their mother had bipolar disorder. She shouted and threw things all over the house during her low times. It was always when she had too much to drink or when she fought with her husband. And being alone so much didn't help. Mr. Morgan always worked long and unsociable hours, traveling around the world with his business. He didn't seem to care about his family; for him the business was the most important.

When I was fifteen, Christian kissed me and told me that he wanted to me to be his girlfriend. Everyone always knew that we would end up together, but it took me a year to realize that I didn't love him. I preferred his younger brother. My heart raced every time I saw Oliver. But I was a coward. I didn't want to say no to Christian. He was an athlete and he was popular. Everyone in school was afraid of him. I was confused, but I hid my emotions well, so no one knew.

I carried on going out with Christian, afraid that I would lose all my friends if we broke up. Oliver was always a loner and people didn't like him. He lived in the shadow of Christian. No one would understand that I wasn't happy, so I just continued as Christian's girlfriend.

If Oliver knew the truth about his brother, he could understand my behavior from a few years ago. He could understand why I treated him that way.

## Present

Next day, it's just after six when I emerge from our apartment, glancing around, wondering if anyone is watching me. Today is my first rowing session and I'm excited. Dora hasn't even come home since Tuesday, so I assume that she is spending another day with Jacob. I shake my head, telling myself that Oliver has better things to do than watch me. He is part of my toxic past and I have to forget him.

I hate his new look. I hate that he is that hot handsome guy that everyone admires. He has everything that Christian had in high school. Girls are all over him. It's my fault that we can't even talk to each other now. After what happened with his brother I told him that he failed me and I treated him like I didn't have a heart. He didn't fight back. He accepted the monster that grew inside me. Now I regret that I lost my soul; I should have told him the truth. When I first got here, seeing him pulled me right back to my old insecurities and nightmares. I accept what he is doing; after all it's nothing new. I was like him two years ago; I was the one in control.

I reach the gym feeling slightly nervous. I have been looking forward to this the whole week. I sign in at reception and change quickly, wondering if I will be the only one from the first year students.

"Hey, I was told that this is the practice for the rowing team?" I ask, approaching the group of girls.

"Yes, great that you could make it. Let me introduce you to everyone," says a tall girl with a bright smile. "This is Piper, Jenna, Olivia, Mackenzie, and I'm Joanna."

I nod to everyone, and we start chatting about my experience. I notice that Mackenzie stares at me a bit longer than everyone else. Then I realize that she is the girl from the party, the same girl that Oliver was kissing in front of me. She stares, checking me out from head to toe. She is pretty, with long blonde hair and a perfect waist. I'm used to being fit, but this girl looks like she works out at least five times a week. She has a full glow tan and large round lips. Oliver never had a girlfriend before, but obviously he has one now. I had spread rumors in high school that he was gay and had an STD. That was why all the girls stayed away from him. Now he is not only popular, but it looks like all the girls are ready to jump into his bed.

After the short chitchat, we all take our places, each in a rowing machine for a short warm up. When Oliver had left Gargle, I ditched the cheerleader squad and started training in rowing. I felt like I needed to push out the pain and frustration, so I killed myself on the rowing machine. Oliver was gone and the memories from that night at the party kept hunting me down. After a few months apart I wanted to write to him and apologize, but I never sent the letters.

When he was no longer around I kept going to talk to his mother, feeling in that way I could ask for his forgiveness. Oliver's mother was always alone in the house, one son dead, the other on the other side of the country, and the husband who was never at home. Our conversations went on for hours, but I never revealed that terrible secret that has hunted me down since her son's death. I helped her to make friends to feel better about herself, because it felt like I had Oliver back and I was somehow paying back for being so cruel. During the two years that he was gone, he never visited his mother, but I kept going there, ready to apologize to him if he showed up. She never told me that he changed his mind about Scotland.

At the time, the pain shattered through me, punching me back every time I opened my eyes in the morning. I slowly began to withdraw from all the parties and from my cruel self until I became a new India, the one that I am now.

Mackenzie's voice brings me back to the present. We all have to do five miles so she can figure out what kind of level we're all on. That's only half of the team. The rest of the girls have a session after us. Our coach is a middle-aged Eastern European guy in his forties. He seems cool enough.

I feel great after the session. All my muscles are pleasantly numb. I change quickly, as I need to do some grocery shopping before I get home. Dora never bothers to think about supper. I need to remember to check if she is actually coming home this evening.

"Hey, India, right?" a melodic voice says, as I'm just about to walk out of the changing room. I turn around to see Mackenzie who is watching me again. I don't get this girl. Why does she need to check me out all the time?

"Yeah, hey, what's up? Did you enjoy the training?" I ask, feeling a little insecure standing in front of her with no makeup at all.

She raises her left eyebrow and smiles. It's not a nice smile but one of those means ones. I've only seen her twice, but my intuition tells me that she always gets what she wants.

"I'm not here to chit chat with you about the rowing competition that I'm going to win," she says, smiling again.

_I hate that smile._ "I don't get it," I say, shrugging my shoulders.

She smirks, tossing her perfect blonde hair behind her. "I just wanted to find out what was so special about you."

"I'm sorry, but you're losing me."

"From what I heard, Oliver is adamant about making your life a living hell."

I try not to show that her words affect me, but it's not easy. I feel like the world is spinning too fast and I cannot do anything to stop this.

"Listen Mackenzie, I don't really care about Oliver. If he wants to play games, then that's fine," I tell her, getting angry. "I worked my ass off to get here, and I'm not planning to leave just because of some silly bet." I might be pushed to a point, but after that I'll fight back. "What's that to you, anyway?"

She doesn't smile anymore but looks at me like I don't deserve having Oliver's attention. "I'm interested in him. And I would be careful if I were you. Oliver is going to win no matter what, so I would pack today and get the hell out of here. I'm telling you this as a friend."

"You aren't my friend, and I'm not planning to leave, so you can tell him to bring it on, whatever he wants to do." I don't wait for her to tell me what she thinks about what I just said. I turn around and leave the changing room.

As darkness falls on the streets, I walk home, still clenching my fists. It's official: Oliver will do anything to pull me back to the gloom. Maybe I should be worried. First Dora, now Mackenzie. Things really must have changed since he left Gargle. He is so much more confident and he is running this show.

I stop in the supermarket and do basic grocery shopping. Then I head home, feeling completely deflated. The apartment is empty. Dora just texted me saying that she isn't coming home tonight, that she is in the south part of Braxton with Jacob. I never thought that I could be sitting alone with no one to talk to, regretting that I hurt Oliver so much in the past. After Christian's death my coping mechanism stopped working when the pain was tearing me apart.

After doing some reading for a few of my classes, I dial Mum's number. I have spoken to her only once this week. Mum finished work a few hours ago, so right now she is probably watching soaps with my sister.

She picks up straightaway. "Hey, Indi."

"Hey, Mum," I reply, feeling a little homesick. I hear the TV in the background, so I know that she is still watching something.

"So, are you going to tell us all about Braxton? You have been very secretive lately," she says with her usual high-pitched tone.

"Classes started, so I got my timetable sorted, and I went to my first rowing session today," I announce proudly.

"That's great, sweetie. So how is Dora settling in? Do you like the campus?"

I don't respond immediately, wondering if I should mention anything about Dora finding a new boyfriend already. Mum knows Dora, but I don't think she realizes that my best friend doesn't settle in well in strange places without the company of men. "She is dating someone. A guy from the rugby team."

"Dora isn't wasting her time, I see. So how did she meet him?"

"By accident. Oliver threw the ball and it hit me and—"

"Hold on. Oliver? Do you mean Oliver Morgan? Christian's brother?" she asks, making that terrible assumption. Mum can tell that I'm talking about "my" Oliver because of my tone of voice. She always used to ask me why I went out with a guy like Christian. I want to bite my tongue and just forget about what I said, but I know that Mum won't let me.

"Yeah, it turns out that he is here in Braxton," I say quietly as the heat blazes over my spine. Even talking about him brings that unexpected twist in my stomach, the warmth that I can't get away from.

"Indi, what is he doing in Braxton? I heard from his mother that he was in Scotland."

"That's what I thought," I mutter. "But now he is here and he's changed, Mum. He cut his hair, started working out and he plays rugby."

"I sense that you aren't very happy about that, Indi. From what I remember, you guys kind of drifted apart." Mum always knows what is going on in my life, even if I don't. She knew that I stopped talking to him right after Christian's death.

"He is nothing like in high school. Here he is the captain of the rugby team and the girls are all over him. Dora thinks that he is amazing, but I'm annoyed that he ended up in Braxton. He knew that I always planned to end up here."

"Maybe that's why he is there, because of you. I haven't seen his mother in a while, but he had a scholarship in Scotland. He was doing really well, so I don't understand."

She is right. Oliver's decisions are confusing. He was always interested in politics and he was adamant about moving far away from his family. That's why he ended up in Scotland. He achieved that, but I don't get why he decided to throw all that hard work away. Dora mentioned that he is studying Sports and Management. I've known him all my life and he was never interested in sports. He couldn't even kick a ball. This doesn't make any sense. Maybe Mum is right: maybe Oliver moved here because of me, because he wants revenge.

But even if I agree with her, I don't intend to drag her into the subject of Oliver. "I don't think that I have anything to do with his decision. We don't talk. He made it clear that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me."

Mum and I talk about my classes, about Braxton and my plans. Mum has been out with a few guys, but she isn't dating anyone seriously. It's been almost five years since Dad died and she is finally starting to come back to her normal self. Then I chat with Josephine a little. My sister is currently studying for A-levels. She wants to be a doctor and is planning to come to Braxton in a few years.

Later I curl up in bed with my books and text Dora, trying to find out if she'll be at home tomorrow. She assures me that she needs a little time for herself, so I should expect her at home.

Then I fall asleep thinking about Oliver, wondering if deep down he really wants a payback. It's been two years. Maybe it's time to let go. We've both changed, but he still doesn't know what happened to me at that party. If he had been there, maybe things would be different now.

# Chapter six
# Going forward

## Present

The weeks pass by and everything is slowly falling into place. I attend my classes and rowing training not thinking about the fact that I'm a target. I'm aware that Oliver hasn't abandoned his cruel game. He still wants to get rid of me. Dora spends a lot of time in Jacob's house that he shares with Oliver and a few other guys. When we have a chance to see each other she gives me a full report on what is going on up there. Only last week she mentioned that she saw at least three girls leaving Oliver's bedroom in the space of a few days. Mackenzie was the one that left his room more often than the others.

Whenever Dora mentions him and who he is sleeping with my gut twists with jealousy. I don't even know why I care about those girls. They have him and they own him. He is my dark past. He is the shadow of his brother, no matter how much he's changed.

October passes and nothing has happened since that day in the canteen when Oliver ruined my food. I don't see him that often and when I do, he treats me like I don't exist. I tend not to notice him, but sometimes I feel like he is watching me, waiting for any moment of distraction.

I stayed and he doesn't seem to be bothered, but deep down I know that he is planning something. Christian was perfect in everyone's eyes, but I saw his dark side, his sadistic games and twisted thoughts. I understood him on much deeper lever than anyone else ever had, that's why he choose that time in the party to show me his true self. The pain that he caused shredded my soul and it still does. Bullying Oliver helped me to deal with the nightmare. If I made him miserable, I felt healed.

Rowing training is going well. In the past week I started seeing Oliver more than I would want because he keeps picking up Mackenzie just after the session. Every time they leave she gives me a smile as if she wants to show me that he is hers.

I beat her a few times, but she is much fitter than me. I don't know what I'm trying to prove to myself. That I'm better than her? That Oliver would change his mind and he would look at me the way he is looking at her? He will never forget what I did to him, and he would never choose me.

***

In the beginning of November I walk to the library hoping to study a few cases for the assignment that is due next month. I choose the quiet corner since I've got a few hours. I'm the only person in that section. I need to get on top of the reading. Some of the classes are tough, so I need to work harder for the good grades I want.

I haven't posted anything on my blog, but I'm planning to go to the cinema this weekend with Dora, if she hasn't made any plans already. It will be hard to persuade her to see a horror film. The library is peaceful and I'm glad that I'm the only one in the room. Braxton is my new home now, and it's much more that I imagined it would be.

I'm alone for the first hour, but after that a student takes the table in front of me. He is studying economics, judging from the materials that he has with him. He is tall, built like an athlete, with longish baby blond hair and flat nose. He stares at me for several seconds before he goes back to his books.

"Hey, have you got a pen?" he asks, smiling after a few minutes of intense searching in his pockets. I reach into my bag wondering if I brought any extra pens. Luckily, I find one and pass it to him. I have to give him points for a nice smile and his fabulous T-shirt. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like he has a foreign accent. Swedish or Norwegian maybe.

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it," I reply.

I get back to my case, and he starts taking out all his books. For the next hour and a half we both work in silence. Sometimes I have to read the text several times because I think that the guy in front of me keeps staring at me. I glance at him once or twice, but he doesn't look at me. My mind wanders off to Gargle. Mum insists that I visit before Christmas, but I'm not quite sure if I can take a break, I've got so much coursework to hand in before December.

"Hey, I'm going to be that lame guy and ask what are you studying?" this blond guy with the cutest accent on this planet says unexpectedly. "I'm only asking because I need to have a reason to talk to you."

I lift my head and look into his incredible blue eyes. "I'm doing law, as you can see. Boring and predictable," I reply, smiling.

"Law. Wow, so you're brainy then?"

"No, just determined and probably stupid. I have no idea what is coming to me in the near future." I laugh. My films pushed me into studying criminal law. I'm just fascinated about the power that I could gain because of who I am. "By the way, I'm going to ask a lame question. Your accent, is it—"

"Swedish. Yeah, it's noticeable, I guess." He laughs.

"So what's a guy like you doing studying in the evenings instead of enjoying university life?" I ask, chewing my pen. It's only the beginning of the term.

He frowns, scratching his head, still staring at me. Then he gets up and walks to the table next to me and sits down. "The same as you, trying to study, but it was just a waste of time because I've been distracted since I came into the library."

"I don't get it; this is the best place to read. It's quiet," I tell him, feeling a little nervous talking to him. Since Christian's death I've mostly stayed away from men. I survived because I hated Oliver. I tried to date a few other guys, but after losing my virginity to some loser I gave up on acting normal. The panic attacks kept coming back, so I decided to stay away from opposite sex.

He smiles, playing with the pen. "It's difficult not to get distracted if a beautiful girl like you sits in front of me."

I blush. "Sorry about that. I didn't mean to distract you."

"It's okay. I just needed an excuse to talk to you. I'm Alexander, by the way."

"India."

"Are you done with your reading?" he asks, getting up.

I don't know what to say or how to react. My stomach is in knots, and I glance around wondering if this is one of Oliver's traps or if he is watching me right now. "No, but I doubt that I could concentrate on this right now. I must have burned my brain."

"You'll probably think that I'm crazy or rude, but I want to take you out for a coffee. I know that we just met, but I might regret this for the rest of my life if I don't ask." He bites his lips, folding his large arms together.

I have to admit his accent is super cute and I like him being that forward. My demons won't leave me alone if I don't even try to move on. I need to give myself another chance and just start seeing men. Not all of them are bad.

"I think that might be a little bit difficult as the coffee shop is now closed. It's after nine." My voice cracks and I blush again. I don't know what is wrong with me. Alexander is probably a nice guy and I'm panicking because he took an interest in me. I need to get a grip.

He starts closing my books, smiling. His blue eyes are so different from Oliver's. I shake my head. _Stop thinking about him. He isn't worth it._

"Don't worry I know where we can go," he says, watching me intensely. "If you want to, that is."

_What the hell. I can do this._ "Yeah, sure. Why not?"

"Are you sure?"

I pack all my books in my rucksack and push him forward. "Chill, it's fine. I need to get out of here anyway."

Maybe I'm out of my mind pretending that I'm emotionally stable and agreeing to go out with some random guy that I just met, but I have to at least try. I can't stay miserable for the rest of my life.

It's raining when we get outside, but Alexander is prepared. He has an umbrella.

I keep telling myself that I'm going to be fine. Fifteen minutes later, we run to a small cozy bistro. He comes back with a liqueur coffee that I accept with a smile.

We start chatting away, and soon I realize that Alexander is a decent guy who has been in the UK for a while. He studied in Braxton last year and loved it so much that he decided to come back for the next year. He is originally from Oslo, studying economics. Alexander sounds like he really wants to get to know me. He asks the right questions and doesn't talk about himself all the time.

"So your friend Dora bailed on you for that new hot guy?" he asks, once I go over my past few weeks on campus. Dora is always a hot subject and I wish that she could be here with me. She always knows how to behave when it comes to guys. She can just wrap them around her little finger. Dora is an expert in flirting, like I used to be—before that terrible party at Christian's house.

Sipping my amaretto coffee, I start ranting about films and my blog for about half an hour. When I finally let him say something, he shares with me his obsession with extreme sports. It turns out that he is some kind of adrenaline junkie. He is doing a bungee jump next month somewhere in Cornwall. He lives in the south part of the city with a few French guys. We talk for while and before we even know, it's after eleven and I need to get going as I have an early lecture.

He walks me to my apartment that I share with Dora. "I had a really good time. Is it all right if I take your number?"

I hesitate. I have this odd gut feeling that I should say no, but Alexander seems like a nice guy.

He narrows his eyes, watching me closely before he adds, "Okay, I'm backing off. I know that I shouldn't ask, but I feel like I've known you for years."

"It's okay, of course. I'm such an idiot. I had a really good time as well."

Alexander types his number into my phone and smiles. "You're not an idiot; you're just careful, I presume," he says looking straight into my eyes. "I'm taking you to the cinema this weekend...of course if you don't have any other plans."

"That sounds good. I really wanted to see that new horror film, and I don't think that Dora would go. She isn't a big fan of scary movies."

"We got a deal then." He laughs.

I turn around and walk back to my apartment, and he goes off his way. Once I get in, I try to take a few deep breaths because my heart beats faster with every step. I can only hope that it's not another panic attack. I don't think I can handle any more disappointments. Our attraction is mutual. Alexander wouldn't ask me out again if he wasn't interested.

Instead of dwelling on what is going to happen, I take a long bath and call Dora. After all, she is my best friend, and when I tell her what's happened tonight she nearly has a flip. She is going to ditch Jacob tomorrow and meet me for lunch to discuss my new hot crush.

When I finally get her off the phone, I go to sleep wondering if I will be able to handle the date.

Then I remember the past and the way I treated Oliver.

## Past

Me and the rest of my pack had been spreading rumors around school that Oliver had an STD. Girls believed me even though I knew that Oliver didn't sleep around. It was just easier to hate him rather than carry on being friends with him and pretend that nothing had happened. Last week he was beaten up by big Richard because he stared at him for too long. I should have felt bad, but when I saw Oliver's face this morning I felt liberated from the pain that his brother had caused me. My physical wounds were healed, but I'd been left with large burn patches all over me. I lost the ability to function that night, and even after my mother informed me that Christian died, I didn't feel better. The relief sank in later. That night I wanted to slash my wrists and die. I told no one. Instead I kept away the secret. After all, Christian was now dead, so he couldn't pay for what he had done.

Hurting Oliver was just part of the healing process. When I passed him in the corridor, he looked at me with those empty eyes expecting me to apologize that he was beaten up. I was the only one who knew that the rumors about his STD were false, but I carried on hurting him, fighting for my survival.

The first couple of years I thought that I loved him unconditionally. Then after Christian's death I started hating him. He never understood why, but it was better that way. He didn't react when I insulted him in front of the girls, he just stood there watching me like it was all my fault that he couldn't stand up for himself.

## Present

When I meet Dora later on for lunch she doesn't stop nagging me with questions about Alexander, while Jacob stares at her like she is the only girl in the canteen. Today it's my second official date with Alexander, and I have been chewing my nails all day wondering if I should cancel. We are going to the cinema, but still, I have that bad gut feeling like something isn't going to go according to plan and I'll screw everything up. People are staring at me, more than usual. I feel like I'm under surveillance 24/7, like people are waiting to see how Oliver is going to win his bet.

It's just after lunchtime, when I see Oliver walking in with Mackenzie, scanning the space. I don't know if he notices me, but he tightens his grip around her shoulders, heading towards opposite side of the canteen. He looks relaxed and happy. I have never seen him like that, not even when his brother was alive. I try to spot Alexander, but he doesn't seem to be around.

"Oh, India, are you even listening?" Dora asks, throwing me away from my thoughts about Oliver.

"Yeah, sorry. I am now," I reply, pulling my hair in a tight knot. It seems like every girl in this room is aware that Oliver is here. Most of them are staring, the others whispering or giggling nervously. People used to react like that when I walked into the room. Others were aware of me because of Christian. He had power and people looked up to him—but only I knew about his dark, vicious side. No one else.

"So, what's the deal with that Swedish guy? I thought that you didn't want to date at all," she says, staring at me intensely.

"Dora, can we not have this conversation in front of Jacob? It's kind of personal," I hiss when Jacob leaves her table to talk to a group of guys.

"Chill out. Jacob is fine. He is on your side, so don't worry about him," she says, waving me off like it's not a big deal talking about my personal life in front of her new boyfriend —who is also a friend of the guy that made a bet to destroy me. Yeah, this can't get any more promising.

"If you want to talk to me, then I'll be at home after twelve," I tell her and get up.

"But, India! I want to see him. Don't be a bitch, come on," she calls after me. But I ignore her. She can't keep her mouth shut. A few people glance at me as I pass by carrying my tray.

Before I turn toward the bins, I trip on something and fall on my face. My tray flies through the air in the slow motion slopping the food everywhere. I crash on the ground making a hell of a noise. For a split second or two no one reacts, as I try to pick myself up off the ground.

"Sorry there. I didn't see you," says someone. I hear the laughs all around me, and I turn to see a tall dark-haired bloke who is smirking. Then he gives the thumbs up to someone on the other side of the canteen. I follow his gaze, pissed, but my jaw drops when I spot Oliver, who is laughing with Mackenzie and nodding towards the bloke.

A cold sweat covers my body from head to toe; our eyes meet only for a brief moment. He looks satisfied and indulged with my humiliation. Everyone in the canteen is staring and laughing at me. I pick myself up, trying to cover my scarlet face. I run towards the entrance, forgetting about food, still hearing Oliver's laugh behind me.

He should be satisfied. He got what he wanted. I fell over and made myself look like a right idiot. God, I hate Oliver so much that it hurts. I have been squishing the truth deep inside me when he was around, not able to let it go.

A year after he vanished from Gargle I bought a ticket to Edinburgh. I was ready to see him. I had a year to think about what I'd done and the way I treated him. A year to gain the courage to tell him the truth. The day I was scheduled to leave I went to see his mother to tell her what I planned. When I got there, she was lying unconscious on the sofa with a bottle of pills in her hand. That day I didn't go anywhere. I stayed until the ambulance came and then later her husband. I wrote more letters, but yet again I never had the guts to send them.

# Chapter seven
# Bully

## Present

Sadly, I don't see Alexander on campus that day. I think that Dora was right: Oliver will do anything to crush me, hurt me, and show that he won't leave me alone until I disappear. The bet is only there to prove his point. I try to get on with my lectures while everyone keeps staring and whispering behind my back. I know it's because of Oliver. He is everywhere.

By the time I get home, I feel like I should curl in bed and hide, but I don't want to miss my date with Alexander. To take my mind off today's events I have a shower and take my time with makeup. My hands are shaking when I put my clothes back on. It's been a year since I went out on a proper date with anyone. Men make me nervous and the past still haunts me. Slowly and steadily, I'm going to get there.

A few hours later, Alexander picks me up at my apartment. He looks handsome and he complements me. My nerves are slowly eating me away. My pulse is racing and my chest is tight, so I excuse myself to the rest room once we reach the cinema. For a long moment I stand in front of the mirror, hoping that this panic attack will pass. Nothing seems to be going according to plan. I keep telling myself that I'll be fine and I can go through with this.

Finally, my breathing comes back to normal. When I leave the bathroom Alexander seems concerned, but I lie and say that I'm fine. Once we're inside the screening I try to relax. Our last date was perfect, so I don't want to ruin anything for him.

Soon the film starts, and I lose myself in the undiscovered fictional world. Alexander seems to be absorbed with what is going on the screen. We talked while we were walking here, and he seemed to be really interested in this film. Halfway through the screening, I begin to wonder if Alexander is really that into me. A few times I cover my face with my hands pretending that I'm scared, but he doesn't try to touch me once or comfort me in any way.

During one particular scary scene, I grab his hand and hold it for several minutes, expecting him to pull me towards him. What I get is a smile and pat in the back.

I don't try it again, wondering if I missed something. After the film is finished, we have a quiet drink in one of the bars in town. Alexander asks about my interest in criminal law and my obsession with films. I give him the address to my blog.

The date is pleasant, but he doesn't seem to be as relaxed as on the first date. The chemistry between us is suddenly gone. Maybe I'm paranoid and he is just a gentleman. He walks me to my apartment. All of a sudden I feel like that perfect date in the coffee shop wasn't so perfect anymore, because the connection that we had is gone. Alexander looks tense when we stop in front of the entrance to my apartment.

"I was just wondering if you are doing anything this weekend?" he asks.

Right, now I'm totally confused. At first he does everything to show me that he isn't that into me and now he is asking me what I'm doing this weekend.

I shift my weight to the side and look at him, raising my eyebrow. "Nothing, no plans as usual," I reply, smiling.

"There is a secret party that I have been invited to. Do you want to come along?" he asks, smirking.

"A secret party?" I ask "You know that I don't party that much."

"I'll get the text an hour before with the details. Come on, let me take you out," he says leaning closer. For a long moment we stare at each other. My heart begins to race. Alexander's lips turn up in a smile, and I know that this is the moment that I have been waiting for. He is going to kiss me.

"Give me a call on Saturday. I don't mind going," I say quietly.

"Great. See you on Saturday, India," he says, and then he turns and hurries away. For a moment I stand there completely startled, watching as he walks away. He had a perfect opportunity to kiss me, but he just left me here, hanging. Sighing, I walk back to the apartment. It takes me a while to find the keys.

"Hey, come here and start talking," Dora says, pulling me back on the sofa. I forgot that I told her to wait up for me.

"Is that ice cream you've got there?" I ask as she hides something behind the sofa.

"You will get some if you tell me everything that happened. Did he kiss you?" she asks as soon as I flop on the sofa next to her.

"It was a total disaster."

"What? Why?"

"He didn't kiss me and he didn't even try anything in the cinema. Then he just invited me to some random party on Saturday and left," I explain, indulging myself with the delicious ice cream that Dora finally decides to share. I would've had so much more fun if I'd stayed at home and eaten the whole tub. "What is wrong with me, Dora? Why do men hate me?"

"They don't hate you. It's Oliver. I told you that he made a bet with others. Alexander isn't from here. Someone probably saw you with him and decided to tell him to ditch you."

I might have to agree with Dora's version. "All right, maybe, but he invited me for a party on Saturday night. This doesn't make any sense."

"Well, I don't know, then. I would come with you, but Jacob is taking me to London this weekend. He has something planned for us," she tells me with the wide smile.

"London? But you've only known each other a few weeks. And you're already going away together?"

"He suggested it, and I said yes. He is nice, India. I kind of like him, more than the others."

"He is also Oliver's best buddy. Maybe it's just part of the plan to get you on his side," I suggest, feeling sick in my stomach that Oliver would be capable of doing something like that. After all, he learned it from me, so I wouldn't be surprised if he'd use Dora to get to me.

"I think you're being paranoid. Oliver is hot, girls are queuing to get his attention, and I don't believe that he would use his own friend just because you bullied him in high school."

"It wasn't just bullying, Dora. I kind of ruined his life."

"We both did, but it's you he is adamant to pay back." She sighed. "Just keep your eyes open. He ruined your food the other day. I don't think he knows what to do. He hasn't got a plan, so I wouldn't worry about it."

I don't offer my own comment and let her believe that she is right. She obviously didn't see him in the canteen. The way he was pouring that hatred out like he didn't give a flying fuck if I was alive or dead.

We chat a bit more until Dora tells me that I shouldn't have taken him to the zombie film as that probably clicked him off. I like Alexander and the way he is, but today's date sure didn't go according to plan.

I change into my pajamas and put Beth Orton music on. I love her soft tunes. Her music always calms me down. Just before I go to bed I check my mobile, but Alexander didn't send me any text massages. Maybe this is just the way Swedish men are with women. They like to leave them hanging. I need to let him know that I'm not one of those women.

***

The rest of the week passes in a blur. Mackenzie gives me a hard time during training. She keeps describing her intensive nights with Oliver loud enough for me to hear when we're in the changing room. I shouldn't be jealous, but I can't help imagining her face when I win the competition in front of the whole crowd, waiting for Oliver to congratulate me. It's lame. He would never do that.

I see Alexander during lunch. He sits with a bunch of French students. He can see me, but he doesn't approach me or try to talk to me, which is odd. We had a great time, but now he treats me like he doesn't even know me. Dora thinks that he is gorgeous but gay. He confuses me so much.

I don't hear back from Alexander until Saturday night. Dora left for London with Jacob yesterday, packing a suitcase of clothes. She told me to go out and have a good time if Alexander calls, but now I'm not so sure. On Saturday morning I wake up feeling refreshed and ready for a long TV show marathon with my favorite _CSI Miami_.

I buy a lot of junk food and stay in bed with my laptop until early evening. My phone starts ringing later on and I don't pick up, seeing that it's Alexander. After around five phone calls, I give up and answer.

"What?"

"India, it's me, Alex."

"I know. What the hell do you want?"

"Chill, India," he says like everything is fine. "Are you all right?"

"Why are you even calling me? I haven't heard from you for the whole week. You didn't even text or talk to me in the canteen," I tell him, knowing that I have to put my cards on the table. "Just spare me the tears later on. Does Oliver have something to do with this?"

"India, I don't know what are you talking about," he says, sounding tense. "And I have no idea who Oliver is. Is he your boyfriend or something?"

I don't respond straightaway, wondering if I've gone too far. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Alexander is Swedish; he has no idea about Oliver. He doesn't even play rugby.

"No, he isn't. I told you, I don't have a boyfriend," I reply, feeling mortified. "I'm—"

"No, don't apologize. Just listen, I'm sorry that I didn't call you earlier. I felt like an idiot, because I really wanted to kiss you that night, but I panicked. Then I thought that you wouldn't want to talk to me, so I avoided you," he says, sounding uneasy.

"You really wanted to kiss me?" I ask quietly. There is a silence on the other line.

"Yeah, and I won't stop bugging you until you give me another chance," he assures me. "Let me take you to that party. I just got the text."

"What text?"

"You know, about the secret party, the one I told you about," he says. "It's a pajama party dress code."

"Pajama party? You're kidding me, right?"

"No, of course not. A few girls that I know have been invited. They are wearing sexy nighties. Those instructions are pretty clear."

I roll my eyes, already imagining what kind of party he is talking about. The house probably belongs to a single student who wants to see half naked girls in their sexy nighties.

"I don't know. I don't want to show up in my lingerie. It's embarrassing. I don't know anyone there."

"No one knows anyone there, and that's the whole point. It's totally sexy, plus I want to see you," he insists. "It's Saturday night, India, so come on, we'll have fun."

"All right, but I'm not wearing anything too revealing," I tell him, laughing.

"I'm sure that you'll look amazing. I'll pick you up in half an hour. Can you be ready by then?"

"Yes, I'll be ready."

Then he hangs up, and I wonder where Dora is when I need her the most. She would know what I should wear. It's freezing outside so I would wear something to cover myself up. I jump out of bed and search for the one and only nighty that I've got. My butt is covered, but I look sexy, and that's what matters. Other girls will probably wear much more revealing stuff, and I can turn up looking like some kind of prude.

I put a full face of makeup on, one with smoky eyes, and style my hair. My nighty cover is black with lace mesh and patter in front.

When my doorbell rings, I let Alexander upstairs. He is wearing grey pajama pants and a vest revealing his large arms. I can tell he works out. His eyes pop open as he stares at my body. I'm not bad looking, and after a few weeks of rowing I'm much more fit than before.

"Wow, India, you look hot. That's the look that I was talking about."

I add high heels and put my coat on. "Are you sure that it's not too much?"

"It's perfect. Everyone will love it, trust me," he adds, smiling.

He orders a taxi for us, and we reach our secret destination fifteen minutes later. The cold breeze ruffles my hair as we get out of the taxi. We are most definitely on a street filled with student parties. The terrace house in front of us looks busy. I can hear the loud music and my stomach tightens.

Alexander doesn't let me change my mind. He suddenly takes my hand and brings me toward his body. "I've got to do this before we go in," he says, and then his lips crush mine.

I'm not prepared for this, but I part my lips, enjoying his sensual kiss. His lips are sweet, but he only lets me taste him for a brief second or so, before he pulls away. It's pleasant and once we are done he smiles, standing in front of the door.

I blush, smiling. "That was unexpected," I say, looking at him. He looks slightly tense and I wonder if he is nervous. "What are we waiting for?"

"We need to take off our coats, otherwise they won't let us in," he says. It's cold and it's already dark so I doubt that anyone would notice us here. We both take our coats off, then Alexander knocks. Someone opens the door and Alexander tells me to go in.

There are a lot of people, but none are dressed like I am. The alarm bells go off in my head. We both walk into the living room, and I feel like someone drops a bucket of stones down into my stomach. Suddenly I can't breathe, seeing that other people aren't wearing any pajamas. I look at Alexander who is standing by the door watching me carefully. Some people start laughing at my silly nighty, pointing at me like I'm some kind of freak.

Heat creeps over my entire face. "Alex, what is going on? I thought you said that this is a pajama party?"

"Sorry, Indi, I was only doing what I was asked to do," he says in a different voice narrowing his eyes. "I'm sorry to say, but you don't even know how to kiss."

"We didn't order a stripper, Indi. Plus your legs are too fat for what you're wearing," says deep familiar voice. The air freezes in my lungs when I notice Oliver coming out from the corner. So, this is a trap. Obviously, Oliver asked Alex to bring me here, to pretend that he was interested. I was so naive to have fallen into that old school joke.

People laugh out loud, and I stand there rooted to the spot, looking like a complete moron. Oliver's eyes harden on me, then he lifts his phone and takes my picture. His eyes then move downwards to my breasts, my legs.

Then I do the only thing that's right. I turn and walk away.

"Come on, where are you going, Indi? Show us what you got; everyone is waiting," Oliver shouts and people laugh harder.

When I get to the door, I see Mackenzie. She is standing with her arms folded together, staring at me. She looks good wearing a tight black dress. "You've got to work out more, sweetie." She smirks. "I told you he'd get you one way or another."

I brush past her and storm out of the house. My hands are shaking and tears are steaming down my eyes. I don't care that I'm standing half naked in the middle of a busy street on Saturday night. Oliver got what he wanted. I was mortified. A few years ago I played exactly the same prank on him. I should have remembered.

I run as fast as I can. People stare, but I don't stop until I reach my apartment.

My phone keeps vibrating, but when I finally lock my door I cry out, punching the wall and bruising my hand. How could I be so stupid and believe that anyone could be interested in me?

The pain is fresh and the memories of that party from a few years ago flood back to me. I fall onto my couch sobbing, until I'm finally numb and empty. Oliver hates me and he proved to me tonight that his bet is real.

I check my phone, as it keeps vibrating, and I see tons of Facebook notifications. People took my picture as soon as I stepped into the living room, and they've posted it and tagged me. There are comments, some laughing at me, other blokes congratulating Oliver. The girls are telling me how ugly I look and how fat I am.

I toss my phone on the floor, pissed off. Oliver just showed me that I never meant anything to him.

Then my phone starts vibrating again, but I just leave it there. He is digging deeper than I thought; he is letting me taste what he was going through when I bullied him. I did many more horrible things to him when he was in high school. He suffered constant abuse from guys and he was the subject of nasty gossip. I lie on my couch, unable to move, feeling like there is a large hole in my chest. I finally got what I deserved.

My life in Braxton will only get worse, so maybe I should give up and leave. Now Oliver is empowered by my pain and humiliation. He enjoys seeing me hurt.

I sob into the pillows as the memories of that terrible night with Christian sink in. Oliver is just like his brother now, cold and devious. He found his way to get to me. All my wounds are slowly opening up.

I doze off shortly, exhausted. In my dreams, I'm my old self, confident and popular.

***

The fire alarm stirs me back to consciousness. I rub my eyes, wondering if the porter downstairs decided to test it in the middle of the night, to get people out of the building.

The alarm doesn't stop ringing for about a minute, so I assume that I should get out of my apartment, as it's probably a real fire.

People are hurrying towards the entrance, and I'm still in my nighty running to the stairs. I barge into the laundry room hoping to find a jacket. After the incident with Oliver I don't fancy standing outside dressed like a hooker. I hear someone shouting to get out. The laundry room is dark. I search for the switch, wondering if this day can get any worse. I know that I left my clothes to dry here in the morning.

Then I hear steps and someone locks the door.

"Hey, you need to get out of here. The fire alarm," I say, annoyed. As my eyes get used to the darkness I spot a silhouette of a man. He takes a few steps forward and my mind starts screaming that I should get the hell out of here.

"Hello, Indi."

It's like I'm in my own nightmare, but this time it's all happening for real. My heart leaps in my throat as I stumble backwards. "Oliver, what the—"

He doesn't let me finish. Instead he moves toward me in the blink of an eye and pushes me against the wall. Every muscle in my body locks, and fear jets through me with the awareness that history is about to repeat itself.

"I needed to see you again," he mumbles. "I've missed you so much."

His breath reveals that he's had way too much to drink. I'm frozen, unable to move and completely startled with his closeness. Before I can even anticipate his next move, his lips are on mine, and he kisses me hard. Alarm bells are going off in my mind; a voice screams to push him away, but the heat that suddenly embraces my body is unbelievably real. Desire whisks through me as he slips his tongue inside my mouth.

A short gasp escapes me as he sucks on my bottom lip, making a sound in the back of his throat. His hips push into me harder.

"Beautiful India," he cracks, moving his lips down my neck, making my senses swirl like my body isn't mine anymore. I don't know what is happening to me. He crushed me, humiliated me, and now he is kissing me like he owns me. His hands move down around my waist and I feel his erection just by my thigh. His lips are sweet, but deep down I find the strength to push him away.

"Oliver, what the hell are you doing?" I ask breathing hard.

He darts his eyes towards me, his face only inches away from mine. "You ruin me, India," he whispers, stepping away as if he just realized what he did. "This is what you lost. My brother didn't mean anything. You always wanted me."

My chest heaves and everything around me spins out of control. I want him to accept me, to love me, but I'm afraid to let go of the hatred that protected me. I have a chance to tell him everything now, to make him understand.

"Fuck Oliver, if you want to hear this from me, then, yes, I admit it," I tell him, shaking. The tears are back, running down my cheeks. "Yes, I did love you more than I loved Christian. And I wanted to apologize to you, but I was a coward, so I never did it."

He runs his hand through his hair looking at me with desperation. "You ruined my life because you lost a man that you didn't even want?" he whispers. "It's too late. Leave Braxton. I'm giving you another chance. Let me carry on living a normal life."

I clench my fists, chewing my lips, watching as Oliver's chest rise and fall. I have a chance to tell him everything now, ask him for forgiveness, make him understand why I did all these horrible things to him after his brother died. "I can't change the past, but I want to apologize. And to explain. Christian, he—"

"Fuck your apology. I don't want to hear about it and I don't need it. Christian left us, died in a car crash!' he shouts, not even allowing me to finish. "We could have helped each other deal with the pain, but instead you pushed me away, hurt me and cut me to pieces."

"Oliver, we can start again. Please if I could change what I did I would," I cry, moving towards him.

He laughs.

"Too little, too late, India. You're pathetic and you make me sick. I don't want to hear any more bullshit that comes out of that mouth of yours"

We stand looking at each other. He is right: I'm a pathetic human being because I'm still afraid of the truth. I could have explained this years ago, but instead I locked my emotions away and violated Oliver through hatred and cruelty.

"You're right, and I can't make you forgive me," I reply. "But I won't leave Braxton just because you can't deal with me being here."

"Do what you want, but you don't realize what I'm capable of. It's only the beginning. The past will come back hunting you down, and in a few months you will wish that you had left when you had a chance," he says, throwing remorse into the mud without a thought.

I failed again.

I slide down on the floor, breathing as if I can't get any air. It's all my fault. The pain is back, and I'm burning alive while Oliver is watching. His eyes are empty, and I know that he is right.

It's only the beginning.

End of Part one

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Other books by Joanna Mazurkiewicz

Beautiful Pain (Contemporary romance)

When the Clock Strikes (Paranormal Personnel Saga #0.5)

£6.19 per Witching hour (Paranormal Personnel Saga #1)

Past the Witching hour (Paranormal Personnel Saga #2)

Half Past the Witching Hour (Paranormal Personnel Saga #3)

Quarter to the Witching Hour (Paranormal Personnel Saga #4)

The Whispers of the Sprite (The Whispers Series #1) (Currently free)

The Dark Night Whispers (The Whispers Series #2)

Her Secret Whispers (The Whispers Series #3)

My Last Whispers (The Whispers Series #4)

The Whispers Series, book 1,2,3

All about you ( Love & Hate Series #1)

All about me (Love & Hate Series #2)

Illicit Canvas

