I really am a boring person
when I'm home.
I just hang out at the house.
I hang out with my cat.
I got a cat named Jessica.
Thank you. I'm a cat person.
Are there any other
cat people out there?
[ cheers ]
Yeah?
Got some cat people here. Nice.
I'm guessing the rest of you are
dog people. Is that what it is?
I'm guessing the rest of you are
dog people. Is that what it is?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I'm not anti-dog, you know?
Every time I tell someone
I'm a cat person, they're like,
"What does that mean?
You don't like dogs?"
No. That's not
what that means.
It just means I like
other people's dogs.
I like dogs.
I just like them over there,
and I'll play with them,
but then go back over there.
I don't like that kind
of energy in my house.
You know what I mean?
That annoying dog,
"best friend in your face
all the time" energy,
just like, "Yeah! I love you!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
You're home!
Where have you been?
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
It creeps me out.
I don't care for that.
I don't like that at all.
Just in your face like,
"You want to go out?
There's a tree.
I know this tree.
You want to hang out
at this tree?
What if I just keep
breathing into your face?
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
Ugh. All the time?
No, thank you.
That's why I like cats.
Cats are more like,
"Hey, what are you up to?
Ah, never mind. I just
remembered I don't care.
I'll be in the kitchen.
I'll see you later."
I like that.
I don't need a best friend
at the house.
I just need, like,
an apathetic roommate
that sometimes
wants to hang out.
Like a dog, you can pet
a dog's belly all day.
They'll never get tired of it.
Just all day, just like,
"Yeah, man.
Never stop. You're the best.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
Hopefully not that creepy,
but you get the idea.
The cat, you can pet for,
what, 2, maybe 3 seconds
until it's like, "All right.
Get away from me.
I got my own things going on.
I got a pile of clean laundry
to lay on.
Get away from me."
That's what my cat does.
It waits for the pile of clean
laundry we haven't folded yet
and just rubs on it
while making eye contact.
Just like, "Mm-hmm.
Everyone's going to know."
[ laughter ]
So bothersome.
My wife, she has a new hobby.
She's really into
special-needs animals.
I don't know if that's made
its way out here to Provo.
If you don't know what
special needs animals are,
they're animals.
They have special needs.
[ chuckling ] That is all.
There's this one,
Oscar the blind cat.
He was a cat that was born
without any eyes,
and they have a like page
on Facebook,
and my wife goes on there
every day and cries,
and that's what she does
for fun.
That's what she does
for a good time,
and it's weird
'cause I come home
and she's just on
the computer, like,
[imitates crying]
And, you know, me being a guy,
I always think it's
something I did.
And then she goes, "No,"
and then she turns the computer
and it's Oscar the blind cat
and you're like,
"Yeah. Look at Oscar,"
and he's adorable.
He has no eyes, just [meows]
And I'm like, "Aw."
And she goes, "I want
a special-needs animal.
I want one."
I'm like, "You don't ask for
one. You get bestowed one."
'Cause, I don't know, you
can't just go to the pound
and be like, "Hey! What do
you have in the back?"
Like, that's not how that works.
"I need, like, a three-legged
dog or a cat with something.
What do you have?"
[ laughing ] You can't do that.
That's why -- You know,
we got Jessica at the pound.
That's where we got Jessica,
and we didn't name her Jessica.
They named her at the pound,
and people always ask, like,
"Why didn't you
change her name?"
'Cause that's wrong.
You don't change
someone's name.
That's rude.
Like, if you adopt a kid
from another country,
you can't just be like,
"Yep. Can't pronounce that.
Your name's Jeff now."
That's rude. You learn
that person's name.
So I got a cat named Jessica.
I'm very much a fan.
Jessica is overweight.
She weighs more than
she should for a cat,
which sucks, 'cause
when people come over,
no one ever blames the cat
in that scenario.
You know what I mean?
No one comes over and goes,
"What happened what happened
here, sweetheart?
A little heavy on the carbs?"
No, they look at you and they
go, "What'd you do to her?"
[ laughter ]
And that's not fair,
'cause I try.
We have the laser pointer.
I got the stick
with the feather.
I'm always running
around my house.
"Come on sweetheart.
Let's get the cardio going."
She's not that into it.
We, my wife and I, we bought
diet-formula kibble.
They make diet-formula kibble,
and they have rules.
Just 1 cup per day 'cause
you're on a diet, Jessica.
We tried, but then
at 2:00 in the morning
Jessica would come into
our bedroom at night,
climb onto our bed,
and then stand on my head.
22.5 pounds of her,
you guys, on my skull,
and she would come down
into my ear and just go
[imitates shrieking]
And I'm like, "Yeah. You're
right. This diet is over.
I had no idea this is
how you felt about it.
I apologize.
[ applause ]
I am getting up right now
and cooking you some bacon.
Let's get after it."
I don't have any children,
but if I'm out in public
and I see a parent
of an overweight child,
I make eye contact
and I go, "I get it.
Does that little fellow
stand on your head at night
and scream in your ear?
I get it. Give him what
he wants. We need our sleep."
My wife and I, we sleep
on a memory-foam mattress.
That's what we sleep on.
Anyone else here rocking
the memory-foam mattress?
It's the best mattress
in the world.
It's the most comfortable,
is it not?
It's the best.
That mattress is made for
sleeping and sleeping only.
Don't do anything else
on that mattress.
It was not created for that.
That is not why scientists
came together.
It was made for resting
comfortably, and that is it.
I know, 'cause we've tried,
and it sucks every time.
It's like trying to
wrestle in quicksand.
It is the worst.
You just start
sinking in slowly.
"Stay calm. Stay calm.
Just try to get your leg out.
Just breathe.
Keep your eyes open.
Keep your eyes on the horizon.
Try to get your leg out.
Get your leg out. I'm going
to get some help.
Jessica, we need some help!"
But she can't help.
She just stands on our backs
and pushes us in further.
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