

A bout Living In The Philippines And Filipinos

Or

If It Was Just Like Home, You Wouldn't Go There!

Perry Gamsby

## What's Inside?

About Living In The Philippines And Filipinos 1

Or 1

If It Was Just Like Home, You Wouldn't Go There! 1

Perry Gamsby 2

About This Book 22

They Speak English, Don't They? 24

When it comes to somewhere to vacation or retire to, the thing that many expats like about the Philippines, compared say to Vietnam, Thailand or somewhere else in Asia or Latin America, is the prevalence of English speakers. Officially, thanks to the American occupation from 1898 to 1946, English is the second language and widely used in government, education and business. 24

Note I did not parrot the old line about English being the official language used in schools, government and business as it once was? Prior to the People Power revolution, or ousting of Ferdinand Marcos in 1986, that was the way the place was sold to the rest of the world. Particularly the English-speaking and specifically, US, portion of it. It wasn't true then and it wouldn't be true today. Please be under no illusions or delusions: the Philippines is not an English-speaking country. 25

At best, they speak Taglish. This is a combination of Tagalog and English. Tagalog is the language of the Tagalogs, the people who inhabited the region where the capita, Manila, is located. For a couple of centuries the Spanish ran the country from Cebu, but eventually they moved the capital to the island of Luzon. There are more native speakers of Cebuano than there are Tagalog but, because so many people move to the capital for work the census is skewed somewhat. 25

Imelda Marcos, shoe loving wife of the former President, helped the push to have a national language; Filipino. This is 97% Tagalog, which irks the remainder of the country that speaks some 100 or so languages and dialects. It also reflects the problems Filipinos have with being Filipino. They really don't see themselves as Filipinos until they go overseas. Before that they are Ilocanos, Boholanos, Cebuanos and so on. Once overseas they initially band together and feel the pride of being Pinoy, form associations and organise their social lives before splintering into various region-based groups. For example, the Filipino-Qatar Music Club will spawn the Cebuano-Qatar Music Club, the Mindanao-Qatar Music Association and the Bicolano-Qatar Music Lovers Society. 26

With this tendency to regionalise, it made sense, at least to Imelda, to give the Pilipino a common language. Language bonds and binds, after all. I guess it made sense to base it on Tagalog given that is the native tongue of the place with the most people, at least in the confines of the NCR (National Capital Region). Afterall, they always have English to bridge any gaps, right? 26

The social hierarchy of the Philippines reflects its history. Those at the top speak Spanish, English, Tagalog and the language of their region. Next rung of the ladder down, the Spanish is replaced with English, Tagalog and the regional language, usually spoken in that order, at least among their peers. Next rung down it is Tagalog, the regional language and English (for those in Manila and surrounding region), or regional language, Tagalog and English. Below them come those who speak the regional language and Tagalog and below them the regional language only. The further you get from Manila and then the further into the province you go from the regional capital, the less you will find English spoken. 27

28

This doesn't mean it is not understood or that whoever you are conversing with doesn't speak it. It usually means they are embarrassed about how well, or poorly they think they speak English. Even if they speak it well enough to communicate, they may be ashamed they don't speak it as well as you! Irrational, I know, but there is a lot of social 'cache' hanging off one's level of English. School teachers are supposed to be able to speak English and they can, among themselves. When it comes to talking to you or I there is every chance they will clam up, simply because they feel their English is not as good as it should be. 28

I have had this experience with many government officials who should be able to communicate with me, or at least understand what I am going on about, however they feign an inability to understand anything I say whatsoever. It is not like the French who may or may not understand you but simply refuse out of Gallic pride and the tragic belief that French is still the 'International Language' (which it was until the Germans beat the crap out of them for the third time in a row in 1940 and everyone else figured a new 'Lingua Franca' might be needed to sort out diplomatic differences of opinion). No, with the Filipino there is pride involved, but a lot of other emotion and psychology, also. Suffice to say, the boast that the Philippines is the largest English-speaking country in Asia is no longer correct. After the 1986 reforms to the Constitution, English was no more the language of the classroom. Local languages were permitted to be used for teaching local kids, which makes sense on one level. Alongside the instruction in, say Cebuano, classes would be held in 'Filipino' (98% Tagalog, remember) and English. The reality, at least away from Manila and in the average government school was that kids learned in the local language, but also had a good grasp of Filipino (backed by the use of Tagalog in just about every movie, TV show, song etc) and had, at the very least heard English words spoken and had spoken a few of them themselves. Not quite what they had in mind back in 1986, methinks. 29

So what is the situation, on the ground, as they say, in 2015? Can you still manage to be understood when buying stuff, meeting people and getting around? The short answer is yes, definitely. Getting to know the locals is not a problem, never was and never will be. Getting to know and communicate with the right locals, now... that's another thing entirely. Rest assured, anyone who fills their rice bowl via a foreigner will make it his or her business to speak English. 30

This is not a bad thing. Sure, there will be scammers and others who will use their command of the English language to take advantage of you but most people will be like most people anywhere in the world. Nice, friendly, honest. I am convinced I could go anywhere and meet more good people than bad, including North Korea, Iran or whichever nation is currently on the US's hate list for not playing the game their way. Governments, on the other hand, are another thing altogether but the people will be just like you and me for the most part. It is no different in the Philippines, even if they don't speak a word of English. Which would be a rare thing; not a single word of English. 30

You see the whole 'Taglish' thing is status-based. Celebrities, artistas and other luminaries pepper their conversation with English words and phrases. I used to think they didn't have words for somethings in Filipino. I was wrong, they have words for everything or if not, they can make one up from the root suffixes and prefixes and people will be able to follow what they are on about. Or so I have been reliably told. Pretty cool... so why the 'Taglish'? Why toss in bits of English? I mean it drives me nuts! 31

You are watching a show, say 'TV Patrol', lots of lurid footage of people being led away by cops, getting a cuff across the ears and then publicly scolded on camera by the local senator or congressman/woman. "Blah blah blah blah the dastardly deed they do blah blah blah blah, which is why I have decided to blah blah blah blah." I mean come on! What did they do that was so 'dastardly'? Which is another facet of Taglish, the antiquated English expressions used. They are all accurate and often used in the correct context; it's just nobody in the native English speaking word has used them since the 1930s. 31

I have seen the English textbooks in use at the local high school where my wife studied. Both of them. As in both copies, shared by all. OK , it's not that bad but there are very few textbooks and they have to be shared between four students and they are very, very outdated. The grammar and vocabulary are archaic. This leads to the other problem you will come across: a word which can have several meanings or uses in our conversations only has one meaning and application when used by, to or among Filipinos. 32

An example is 'I don't care'. I once told my wife in a soft tone, when asked whether we should eat Thai or Japanese, that 'I don't care, both are fine.' To her and many Filipinas, 'I don't care' means 'I don't care what you want to eat and I don't care about you or your family or anyone else in the world and you can all go away and die!' Or so it seemed from the tampo that resulted. The word 'crony', for instance, can never be used in fun or as a humorous dig at a Filipino. Corrupt politicians have cronies, nobody else. It permeates down to even less obvious words like 'ask'. You see the instruction, even on official posters, documents, TV ads and websites to 'Call 0916 555 555 and LOOK for Precious Apple Gonzalez'. Not 'Call 0916 555 555 and ASK for Precious Apple Gonzalez'. Why? Because 'ask' is only ever used in context of asking for a bribe, a payment, their 'Christmas, Sorrr' (tip). If you rang the number and asked for Ms Gonzalez everyone would know she was doing favours and expecting, or handing out, backhanders. Obvious, right? 33

Prepositional use is another fun thing. You don't fill out a form or even fill it in. You 'fill up' forms. Forget the fact you may not have an answer to every question, you still have to 'fill up' the form. You have to 'fall in line', nobody forms a queue. I also like the way they adapt verbs and nouns to suit. If you do well at school or college, you are a Top-Notcher. Even on TV and as spoken by the government, President et al: "the 'Top-Notchers' for 2014 are..." Like wise you have kidnappers in English so in Taglish you get car-nappers and hold-uppers. If you find yourself in hospital your visitors become 'watchers'. But then without watchers, how is the patient going to be fed, get their medication, actually take it, be bathed and so on? Nurses? They are there to follow the doctor around, not waste time taking care of patients. That is what watchers are for. It is an official title with signs on walls clearly stating only two watchers per patient. They will stay in the room with the patient, even a public ward. Private rooms usually have a divan or couch for the watchers to sleep on. But I digress. 34

At least when your Filipina is looking at you and saying something, you have a fighting chance of communicating. The problem is the Filipina also has a selection of non-verbal communication techniques that can be problematic if not understood. The first is the way they give directions by pointing with their lips. This has to be the most laid-back method of directing someone ever created. You ask a question like, 'where is the jeepney depot?' and the person you ask says nothing but does a goldfish impression with their lips, then twists them off to one side slightly. There is usually a little involuntary jaw raising or chin movement that is not necessary to accurately depict direction, just that lips and chin/jaw are joined my muscle and so on. You can't expect directions in isolation when you strip it down to the absolute minimum like this. 35

I have no idea what happens when you ask for directions to anywhere not within 15 degrees of the centreline of the face of your director, or direction-giver, whatever the Taglish term is for this role. I would imagine the inclusion of an eye-rolling motion to add emphasis that where you want to go is not just off to one side of the director's face, but further round. I haven't seen this myself, I'm merely surmising. I asked my wife about this and she thought it was a dumb kano kind of question. Wherever you want directions to will always be either straight in front of the director, to the left of them or to the right of them. How far left or right is irrelevant as sooner or later you will go in a circle anyway or whatever. I dunno, it has never been something she, or any other Filipino I have asked (and I have asked a few!) seem concerned about so I guess it takes care of itself. Just watch out for the directional pout. You know you have settled in to living in the Philippines when someone asks you for directions and you pout and point with your lips. Without even realising it. 36

Another form of non-verbal communication is the eyebrow raise to acknowledge or say 'yes'. This one can be tricky, especially at first but even for experienced expats it can bring you grief. You ask a Filipina a question and she says nothing. You ask again and again, her reply is nothing, not a word, not even a nod or shake of the head. You begin to worry she didn't hear you, or didn't understand your accent. You ask again, slowly, then once more with an exaggerated American-Pinoy accent that makes your bowels loosen, but you can't help that and still... not a word. You ask one more time and she goes off! Explodes! Gives you a mouthful and then absolute silence for twenty four hours. Tampo! What the hell happened? 37

Basically, you weren't listening. She answered you the first time and there was no need for the pantomime and carry-on you went through. If there were other Filipinos around you just embarrassed the hell out of her and deserve all the tampo you will be getting. What you, the dumb kano, failed to pick up on was that she, the Filipina and thus smarter than you in so many ways, was answering. She was raising her eyebrows every time you asked the question. She was telling you 'yes'. Or 'no'. Usually an eyebrow raise means yes but it could mean no, depends on the question and the subsequent answer. That makes sense, right? 37

Where this can really cause an international incident in the sala is when she has her back to you. This is more common than you might think and I have several reports of this happening to kanos, both new to the Filipina and old hands like myself. No matter how good you think you are at the care and taming of the Pinay... they will best you every time. Never a dull moment and all that. So imagine your good lady is doing something, back to you, busy as a bee. You ask her a simple, yes or no question. She doesn't reply. You ask her again, no answer. You ask a third time, this time loudly and with some emphasis in your voice to show you mean to get a reply and... One of two things. Either total silence and a storming off, still with back turned, or a spin around and Mayon-Mayon-Minatubo. A major volcanic eruption. Seriously! Did you not see her raising her eyebrows every time you asked the same stupid question? Are you blind, stupid or both? 38

The fact she had her back to you is irrelevant to the Filipina. She answered your question... five times! There were a couple of double eyebrow raises thrown in just in case you hadn't heard her answer the first time, ok na lang? Now look at the mood you've gotten her into. And that, my friend, is that and there is nothing you can do about it. Welcome to the 'I married a sub-servient Asian woman' club. Like a lot of things in this world... that sub-servient thing is a myth and you are not getting any 'servience', sub or otherwise, for some time to come! 38

39

Family Matters 40

40

When you marry a Filipina you are suddenly the center of a large, extended family. I inherited some two hundred immediate and close relatives and over four hundred 'distant' ones. Do the math. If your wife is one of just five kids (a small family by Filipino standards), and her parents are both from five kid families, that's eight uncles and aunts who will marry eight other Filipinos. Say each of the eight new families also have five kids, you wife will have forty cousins. So, her, her siblings and her parents make seven new family members. Then add the sixteen aunts and uncles and forty cousins and there are now sixty three family members in the 'immediate' family. Plus up to four grandparents. That is if we limit sibling size to five per parent pair. The reality can be a lot more! 41

Second cousins can easily number in the hundreds and beyond that the mind simply boggles when you think of great aunts and uncles and third cousins. So how do you handle this sudden explosion of relatives? Fortunately, Filipinos are like anyone else and nod sagely when you say, 'you can pick your friends, but you can't choose your relatives'. There will be a ton of them that are persona non grata for some reason, real or imagined. When you dig right down you will find the wife has a sibling or two she prefers over the rest and the same for a select group of first cousins, preferred aunts and the odd decent uncle. Generally mum and dad will be ok and at least one 'lola' and 'lolo' (grandparents). 41

Keeping the preferred relatives down to manageable numbers is critical to the future of your marriage. Unless you are well off, there are only so many dollars you can spare for the various emergencies you will be turned to for assistance. Let us put this money thing into perspective. First of all, the family managed for many generations well enough to reach the present day without your financial support. Having said that, family is a big deal in the Philippines. 42

Your asawa will have a lot of pressure on her, much of it subtle and a lot of it sub-conscious. The Filipino way usually has the children doing as they please while small, to the point of what we might consider 'babying'. I have seen 8 year olds spoon fed by their mothers or yaya's (a nanny). Some families have one yaya for each child, at least the better off ones and those with a kano parent. It can be just a way to give your wife's siblings (sisters and cousins) an income as well as involvement in the family life or, it can be a statement being made to let others know how well off she is now. 42

This is a double edged sword as it can attract jealousy and create demands for money (even to the extent of kidnapping and ransom demands in extreme situations); but it can also serve as a warning to any who might think about giving the family grief. Having a kano husband says we can afford to 'file a case' and you will lose and it will cost you! 42

If you take your asawa back to your country, do not be surprised if she wants to send money to her parents on a regular basis. You should discuss this with her before the wedding as it needs to be sorted out. How much are you willing to send? If she works and has her own money, how much of that should she give to them and how much should she contribute to the family coffers. Many Filipinos think everyone is rich in Australia or the US and if you work 'for dollars' then you make a ton of money and can throw it around like it doesn't matter. 43

Keep in mind, when many kanos go to the Pinas they are on vacation, have money saved up and spend freely. This can give a warped impression of wealth. Back home, hubby has a regular job, makes a modest wage and probably lives payday to payday for the most part with not a lot of spare cash to send overseas. Asawa might feel obligated to not only look after her parents but also send her siblings to school, college and then overseas to work. All of which takes money. 43

You might be lucky, like me, and marry a woman who puts her own immediate family (you and the kids) first. Or you get one that has such a guilt trip she is forever paying every little bill the extended family incurs. Another might do it to show off and establish herself as some kind of rich patroness of the entire barangay. We have one in our family; whenever she returns from the USA she throws cash around to everyone but her own family. No point wasting it on people who already know she has been fortunate marrying a well-off retiree and there are no children of her own marriage to support. 43

Assistance could come in the form of sending 'Balikbayan boxes', stuffed full of all sorts of goodies. We did this once but the reality is that given the sending cost $100, plus we had to buy the clothes, chocolates and other goodies to go in it, the smarter course would have been to send the cash as they can buy all those things there anyway, for the most part. Still, it is nice to have a big box to open and spread the love around; it's not always about good economic choices, right? 44

Filipinos are very resourceful and there is a story doing the rounds of how a Filipina living in the USA made good use of a tragedy. The mother was visiting her daughter and family in the US when she sadly passed away. The return of the body was organised and the coffin sent via DHL or PAL or someone; all with the right paperwork of course. It was checked by customs on arrival at Manila airport and they felt there was something wrong with the x-ray. Upon opening the coffin they found the body of dear old departed mama... wearing 22 layers of clothing. Beside her were stuffed pairs of Nikes and boxes of Hershey Bars with a letter pinned to mama's top layer of clothing. The letter detailed who was to get what! Since the travel insurance had to pay for the body to be returned, the Filipina felt they might as well make use of all the space and save on a Balikbayan box! 44

The really good thing about marrying into a Filipino family is that you will never be short of someone to hang with. Filipinos love company and their whole culture is based on doing things together, in groups. Pakikisama, or group harmony, is a very important cultural concept. I have seen grown men borrow a baby relative to accompany them across the street to the sari sari store to buy cigarettes. Nobody wants to go anywhere on their own, right? Off goes Uncle Dong, toddler on hip, happy as a lark. When it comes to more distant journeys, like into town to do something official at the municipality (town hall), then you must have at least one companion, pronounced kom-PAN-yon. If you send the helper to do the shopping, don't be surprised if she takes one of the kids with her, or asks her neighbour's helper to accompany her. Of course, you will pay for both trike rides. It's easier to just accept this and swallow the few cents expense as otherwise you get the 'long face and the murmuring'. Both are very Filipino expressions of not being impressed with the kano who knows nothing about how vital it is you don't do anything by yourself. What if an onggu was to suddenly grab you and take you away? It happens... apparently. 45

If you see a Filipino male drinking by himself, stay well clear. He will have some serious issues to deal with and you should never argue with a drunken Filipino. Not when he has his 'barkada' (close personal friends) with him and more so never when he is alone. Being alone is so alien to the Filipino way that it is a good danger signal to be aware of. Of course many Filipinos do things on their own, but generally the group approach is the way it is. I have seen five employees in a Gaisano supermarket clean up one small spill. Most stand around and offer encouragement, wave pieces of cardboard box to help the mopping dry, or just look concerned for whoever has to clean the mess. It is an endearing quality of the Filipino. They are incredibly loyal to each other, starting with immediate family, the barkada and extending to any other Filipino; but only when overseas. In the Philippines they are very clannish and wary of anyone from a different island or who speaks a different language. 46

Don't be surprised if you are given a companion should you wish to take a walk around the neighbourhood. A kano on his own is a target for all sorts of dangerous felons; such as young, flirty Filipinas on the hunt for a Kano of their own. No matter your age or physical appearance, there will always be someone in this country who finds you attractive, even if it is just your peso-nality. There will be a genuine concern for your safety, as everyone knows how dangerous the barangay your wife grew up in (and knows everyone and everyone knows her, and you), is related to more than half the people to some degree even though there hasn't been a serious crime other than some domestic violence since Rizal wrote his manifesto. Their concern for you is genuine and touching, but it can be a little cloying, which rhymes with annoying. When we lived in Talisay, Cebu, I went for a walk every afternoon at 4pm, which given the lack of pavements and the traffic was risky in itself, but I never had any problems. I did the same when I lived in Manila, walking for miles around some very 'low-rent' squatter areas. I carried very little money and a cheap cell phone and a big smile and never had any problems. But the family were deeply concerned at first. 47

You can get into a bad family situation where the mother-in-law is forever telling her daughter to buy this, get the kano to provide that and so on. You need to check this out before you get hitched, as best as you can. Set some ground rules, be respectful of the differences in cultures but don't be seen as a push over and you should be fine. 47

Aswangs And Onngus 48

48

I love the myths and legends of the Philippines. Lots of evil spirits, called 'onggus' (ong – ooze) abound. The duwende live in your house, or in trees and are more of a nuisance than a danger, a bit like our goblins. The name comes from the Spanish 'duende', or goblin and from the term 'duende en casa', or owner of the house. They can be nice, or naughty, it all depends on how you treat them. Some people leave food on the floor to feed them and keep them onside. They have a nasty habit of stealing your stuff and hiding it, then laughing at you while you search for it. Do not be surprised if your Filipina blames the duwende when she can't find something. She might wander around muttering 'tabi-tabi po' or even 'bari-bari apo ma ka ilabas kami apo'. Eventually the duwende will give it back to her, but not before she has looked high and low. 49

There are worse onggu, like the dreaded manananggal, one of the evil aswangs. The manananggal can separate the top half of its body and fly around looking for pregnant women and feasting on them if they don't have the right kind of protection. My wife used to wear a patch of black cloth pinned to her knickers when she was pregnant. That and some special leaves left on the windowsill kept her manananggal free for several of her pregnancies. Don't laugh, it works. I didn't see a single manananggal the entire time and we have five kids! If you do see someone changing into a manananggal, grab some salt and pour it on the bottom half they leave behind. It will kill them instantly and in a lot of pain. I would carry some salt with me anytime I had to go out at night, just in case, if I were you. You never know. 49

Aswangs are shape-shifters, human by day, a bat, cat, dog or pig by night. Cunning, aren't they? These evil beings can be living right next door to you and you'd never know it. At night they shape shift and get on the roof of the house of a pregnant woman, make their tongue needle thin and long and then use it to eat the foetus. Some 82% of all miscarriages in the Visayas are the result of aswang activity. How do they know there is a pregnant woman in the house? Well they can tell by her scent, which is said to be like a ripe jackfruit. Of course aswangs don't restrict themselves to just pregnant Filipinas. If they were to do that, even with the multitude of pinay in the pudding club at any one time, they would starve. They also prey of people who stay awake too late or travellers caught out after dark. If you have ever been in the province on a moonless night with enough cloud cover to block out the stars you know how pitch black it can be. Prime time for the aswang! 50

There are also witches, especially on the island of Suiquijor. Called mangkukulam, or mambabarang, they are pretty nasty pieces of work and often use insects to carry their evil spells to their victim. So if you thought that was just a spider bite, think again! Some nasty witch has it in for you. The list of onggu is quite long and of course varies from province to province. The attributes and activities of the creatures are pretty similar, just the names will change. Some common ones are the wakwak. They are body snatchers, the really worrying thing about them, since they are just about everywhere, is that they can fly. Ekek are another flying pest of the supernatural variety. You can hear these flying onggu flapping their wings at night, often sounding just like one of the family chickens stretching its wings in its tree branch roost. But of course, those flaps are from an ekek or wakwak, everyone knows that. 51

My wife once asked me if mermaids were real, after she had seen about four movies and cartoons featuring these western based mythical creatures. It turns out Filipinos have their own version; sirena. I wonder if the word comes from the Spanish, for siren, something we also call our water based babes who lure seamen to their deaths. There is a male version, the siyokoy. These are not good looking down to the waistline, but green and scaly all over and have either finned or webbed feet. They drown people and eat them and are responsible for 82% of all missing fishermen and drownings in the Visayas. 51

We might find these superstitions amusing, but it wasn't long ago our forefathers firmly believed in the same kind of evil spirits. The Philippines might be 84% Catholic and the rest other Christian denominations, 5% Muslim and 2% 'other'; but the pre-Spanish animist beliefs are still very much in existence, especially in the province. Fortunately, there is a force for good that fights these evil doers. Quack doctors. The official, accepted name for the local shaman like faith healer is quack doctor; obviously a term inherited from the American colonization days. These guys are very good at healing a wide range of common ills. I have had a very nasty heat rash fixed in a day by the quack spitting a herbal solution made from chewing various leaves onto the infected area. Not pleasant, but an experience all the same. 52

You have to keep in mind that many people can't afford western doctors. They will go to them for major problems but usually the local quack is the first port of call. They are very familiar with the more common infections and ailments, as one would expect. They have lived in that location all their lives and were trained by their father or uncle who was in turn trained by his relative. If they didn't have a better than 50% cure rate, they would be out of business and probably run out of the barangay. All the stuff that doesn't work is put down to the spell or curse placed on them by a jealous neighbour, or their own lack of faith. 53

Quack doctors use anting anting, or special charms, to help them. They often have symbols and Latin words tattooed on their arms or legs and they know all the onggu in the area, most by first name. When we had one cleanse our piggery of onggu after eight pigs died mysteriously (from a bird-borne virus doing the rounds), our quack made a little on the side holding a clinic on the front porch after the ceremony. He had a dozen people avail of his services within a few minutes; his fame was great in the area. We had actually had to go and pick him up as he lived ten kilometres away; but you travel that far when you need someone with his powers because losing eight pigs is a major onggu situation to deal with. We're not talking the house duwende playing silly buggers here, this was a major onggu having fun at our expense. 53

The quack doctor would look at the patient's hands and eyes, tongue and ears, then write something on a scrap of paper, mostly weird symbols and some words in Latin. Then he'd say an incantation and, for a few more pesos, tell their fortune. This guy had some serious clout because everyone went away much happier. The serious looks and deep frowns they had worn when they arrived were gone. After a couple of hours he was too tired to keep up the healing so we gave him some Tanduay rum and a ton of the food that had been put out as an offering for the pig killing onggu and drove him home to a little nipa hut in the mountains. This guy was old, frail looking and shrivelled up like a walnut. As we parted, he took my hand in one of his, then patted my chest with the other and shook his head. Six years later I had major robotic heart surgery and died during the operation. I wonder what he sensed? 54

Out Of Stock, Sir 55

You don't have to be in the Philippines for long before you realise that the words 'customer service' have a very different application and meaning in the Pinas, compared to, well, just about anywhere else you may have ever been. If you have ever asked for something, say at a restaurant, then waited for ages and finally inquired where was the item you ordered only to be told, 'out of stock, sir'... you know what I mean. 55

Or you go into a department store and every aisle has its own clerk... except the one selling the stuff you want to buy. You ask the clerk in the next aisle a simple question and you are told, 'out of stock, sir'. You press the point and you may learn that the clerk you are questioning does not handle that aisle. That clerk is busy elsewhere. OK, so now what? Now you go without, grab what you can, or stand there and wait until the carabao come home. 56

Were that clerk to serve you he, or she, would be committing a grave sin. They would have trespassed on the sovereign territory of the clerk who usually looks after that aisle. Such proprieties must always be observed, or else the entire social order will fall apart. It will lead to a collapse of good order and civil obedience at the very least, surely. If any employee answered just any inquiry where would it end? Before you can shout 'Kano!' clerks would be actually learning about the stuff they sell instead of just keeping it dusted and looking pretty. Customers would be getting served by anyone employed by the store and not the person specifically entreated with serving customers of a specific aisle or product range. 56

Product knowledge is a rare thing, even back home, but in the Philippines you rarely come across a sales clerk who knows anything about the product they sell. When you do find one, they are absolute experts, real wizards at the product and know it inside out. Pity this is a rare event. Most barely know they have the product, while many will immediately claim 'out of stock' status to save themselves from the risk of being embarrassed by either not being able to speak brilliant English (and thus opening themselves to scorn and ridicule for life, apparently) or not knowing the answer to piercing questions. Questions like, 'how much?', 'how many do you have?', 'how long does it take?' and so forth. All those nasty little details you will need to know to get any value or use out of whatever it is you are buying. 57

The thing is, the employee is not there to serve the customer. No, not at all. The customer is there to make the business owner realise how important the clerk is and how very necessary the clerk is to the owner's business success. The owner on the other hand, has a very different view of the relationship between the customer and his or her business. The business is not there to serve the customer, oh no. The customer is there to be impressed that someone has gone to a lot of trouble and risk to open a store selling the items it sells and therefore the customer is very fortunate the store exists. If it were not there, where would they obtain such items? 57

The customer is the root of all problems when it comes to the whole question of customer service. The word 'customer' makes up 50% of the term itself, as you can see. Just because the name of the store may be 'Gitau's Shoe Store' is no indication the store will actually sell shoes. It probably will, but don't take that to the bank (we'll cover banks later). These stores do sell everything, including fake label knock-offs. That is quite common in the Philippines and I have seen it in all the major department store chains; everything from fake Rolex watches to counterfeit Jim Beam and Johnny Walker, both with the proper customs-bond seals around the caps but filled with Tanduay! Knock-off Land Rover footwear, fake Sketchers shoes, don't even get me started on cosmetics! But I digress. This is not about the authenticity of branded products, but the way they are served, or not as the case too often is. 58

Many stores are owned by Chinoys, that is, Chinese-Filipinos. They tend to dominate trade and prefer family run enterprises. The organisations can be very large, but tend to run out of trusted, reliable relatives to run things after a certain level of growth. Some go the western way with a board of directors and others simply stay at the largest they can become without breeding more heirs apparent. The mindset is often the same, though. Customers are fortunate the original patriarch or matriarch started the business and allows them to sully their store and interrupt their day by disrupting stock-taking; i.e.; buying stuff. Remember that mindset next time you go into one of these stores and everything will fall into place. 59

The staff member who serves you will be living in fear their six month casual contract will be rescinded at any tick of the clock. Even the big chains exploit their staff by making them work on short-term contracts. This means they don't have to pay all the benefits such as sick leave, or the 13th Month salary at Christmas time many rely on to make Christmas a bit more special than every other month of the year. The usual trick is to use a contractor to supply staff so they can deny not providing permanent positions to casuals at the end of the initial contract. You see with hundreds of thousands of 16 year old graduating high school every year, there is no shortage of labour. Even now they are putting up the leaving age another two years, there will still be too many applicants for each and every position. 59

Why do you think the check-out has four people and three cash registers, yet only one register is actually in operation? Because the check-out isn't large enough to handle the amount of staff needed to run all three registers at once, of course! You need a minimum of three people per register, preferably four. One to receive the goods from the customer, another to use the register and a third to bag the item. Ideally there is a fourth who passes it to the customer and ensures there is no smile offered as that would lessen the gravity of such an important commercial transaction as the purchase of underwear, or whatever it was. They can't make the check-outs bigger to accommodate up to nine, maybe twelve e people, despite them all being slim and petite. That would take up too much selling floor space and that wouldn't be good business sense. Actually having more than one register operating, especially when the customers are lined up ten or more deep is stupid. The shop is not there to serve the customer, remember? It is there to show the world how awesome the owner is. 60

Once you are at the register and being served, you must be prepared for vacant stares should you actually ask a question. Your job is to hand over the merchandise and the money when asked but never to the same person you handed the merchandise to, she doesn't handle money and it would only confuse her and irk the money handler were you to do this. Enjoy the admiring stares and ensuing discussion your choice of purchase generates among the check-out personnel. If they do not approve of you, or your purchase, they will inform you of this directly. In Manila I had one girl remark to my wife how she was 'very dark, ma'am'. And her point was? Another once told me I was 'tambok', or fat. I complimented her on her powers of observation and reminded her that while I was off to Chow King for a flat noodle top-up for my tum, she was still going to be standing there making sod all a month. Can you spell 'long-face'? Why do they do this? What kind of a society is it that thinks saying such things is acceptable? Filipino society, so get used to it. 61

When the retail set-up is not the open-plan, department store help-yourself variety, expect more fun and games. I have more than once asked for a widget I can see on the shelf behind the clerk only to be told, 'out of stock, sir'. When I point out there is one on the shelf etc, they usually say it is just for show, so customers know they sell that item. Ok, I reply, realising I am getting sucked into a hiding to nowhere but my inner sense of logic and justice refuses to be over ridden by experience and common sense. If you don't have stock, why display that item? 'To show that we sell them, sir' comes the reply. 62

'Yes, but you don't, do you?' 62

'Sir?' 62

'Sell them. You don't sell them.' 62

'Yes we do sir.' 62

'Ok, so can I have one please?' 62

'Sorry sir, they are out of stock!' 62

'What about the one on the shelf behind you?' You will get a puzzled look here as they realise they just told you about that. 62

'That is not for sale, sir. As I told you, that is so our customers know what we sell.' 62

'Yes but you don't sell them. You are out of stock except for that one. If you sold it to me then you wouldn't give customers the false impression you sell those. You could order more in and then, when they arrive, put one up there to let customers know you sell them. So sell me that one.' 62

'I cant do that, sir.' 62

'Why not?' 62

'Because then we wouldn't have one to show customers that we sell them!' This is said with an immediate brightening of the face as the brilliant logic of the answer gets through to their brain. 63

'But you don't sell them. You don't have any in stock!' Kano is now getting irritated. 63

'Yes we do, sir. See, there's one on the shelf behind me.' 63

'So sell me that one!' 63

'Sorry sir, that is for display only. Out of stock!' 63

You could keep it up indefinitely, I fear. The good thing is that you have actually been served, well, attended to. I once walked into a computer store in Ayala Mall in Cebu and stood there for ten minutes. I then laid down on the couch at the front of the store (just a small, one room mall shop) and rested for another fifteen minutes. There was only one other customer at first, then none. There were three staff members. Not one bothered me as I rested. After nearly half an hour I tired of the game and asked one for the manager. He said he was the manager, so I asked for the owner. The owner was not in the store but the manager offered me their cell phone number. I rang the manager, explained how his staff had done nothing to serve me and that I was taking my US$1200 laptop purchase to his competitor. You'd think the owner would say something, anything to get me to spend my money in his store. Nope. He just hung up. Didn't seem to care he was paying his staff to ignore customers or that one with money and intent was spending his somewhere else. I was lucky I was allowed to spend so much time in his store, no doubt. 63

Now, on to banks. I know of a kano who went to a bank where he had a US Dollar savings account. He put US$ in the account and could withdraw the same currency. He went to withdraw US$250 only to be told there wasn't that much in the bank's US Dollar drawer to give him that amount. He said he had deposited that in actual currency the previous month, plus another US$800, as his passbook attested. He was told they didn't keep his money aside just for him and began a condescending little explanation of how banking actually works. The kano interrupted them to tell them he knows he can't expect 'his' US dollar bills back, but surely the main city branch of a major bank had more than US$250 in notes on hand? He was assured they did, in fact the cashier opened her cash drawer and showed him a stack of US greenbacks she had there. Afterall, she reminded him, she was the US Dollar account teller! 64

So, keeping calm, the kano asked her why couldn't she process his withdrawal and give him US$250 which she obviously had in her drawer. Her reply was that it was too early. Too early? Yes, apparently the manager had told her that she couldn't give out more than US$100 at a time before 3pm in case a customer came in who needed a large amount of US dollar bills and if they had already given out their stash then they wouldn't be able to serve that customer's needs. Stay with me people, this is true, every word. 64

You can imagine the kano's reaction. He took this very calmly, apologised for being a problem and left without his money. I'm kidding, of course. He went ballistic. Not so much about the failure to get his funds, but the asinine logic of the whole thing. OK, he said, so I can't get my US$250 now, at ten in the morning, despite you having the money in the drawer... just in case, he repeats this qualifier, just in case someone comes in after three this afternoon and needs US dollars? Yes, sir came the reply. Let us just say that he set a new standard in Filipino-American relations that day. He explained to everyone in the bank why, precisely why, the country was not progressing at the same rate as every other country in the region. He extolled at length on exactly why situations like this existed and the affect they were having on commerce in general and his blood pressure in particular. He said it was a terrific day. He got to meet the teller, her supervisor, the bank manager, the security guards, the police, a lot of people in fact. Did he get his US$250? Eventually. 65

Traffic, Trikes And Terror 66

66

The Philippines is, like many developing countries, jam packed with motorcycles. The reason for this is that motorcycles provide much needed transportation at relatively low cost; at least compared to cars, trucks and buses. They are relatively simple, easy to maintain and repair and yet very versatile. In the Pinas, the motorcycle and sidecar combination is a very clear example of the ingenuity of the Filipino: they come in all kinds of variations and provide a major portion of the transportation infrastructure, especially once out of the cities and in the provinces. But they are evil. 67

I used to own a motorcycle with side car, called a trike, or tricycle in the vernacular. It was a cargo sidecar designed for carrying our pigs to market. I think we only ever once used it for the pigs. The other times we stuffed two or three in the boot of my Mitsubishi Lancer, 'The Red Terror', and had Mama and Papa sit on the back seat so the little darlings couldn't break out of the boot. Actually, we only did this on purpose after the first trip to see Dong the Pig Buyer. We had two rather miffed porkers trussed up and put in the boot; Mama and Papa hopped in the back and with the asawa beside me, we set off for Dong the Pig Buyer's place in 67

Daanbantayan. Arriving at the front gate, everyone bailed out to say hello and organise the sale of the two pigs, leaving the kano chauffeur in the car with the now even more miffed piggies. What we didn't know at that time, as this was the inaugural take the pigs to market trip, was that the back seat restraining mechanism didn't... restrain the back seats that is. After a few wriggles and grunts, both piggies broke out of the boot and burst into the back of the car. 68

This would not have been a major issue had the vehicle been parked, but they chose their moment well as I had just been waved up the driveway by Papa to where Dong the Pig Buyer awaited. Imagine the scene. I am truing to drive up the narrow driveway, concrete hollow-block walls either side making it something of a tunnel. Two very upset 40kg pigs are now doing a Houdini act on the back seat, attempting to free themselves of their bonds and getting the odd cloven hoof free to rip into the upholstery. Mama and Papa, oblivious to the drama unfolding where just moments before they had sat peacefully, were beckoning me to hurry as they wanted to do the deal, take the money and leg it to the market before the best stuff rotted in the sun and the wife was chatting away to Dong the Pig Byer's wife, oblivious to my dire situation. 68

69

One pig made it to the front seat and was almost out the window, the other still struggling and now fallen to the floor. It decided to pop smoke to cover it's attack. Actually it defecated. Not nice. I ignored the distraction and focused on the pig that was now front feet out of the passenger window and telling the world it was the porcine version of 'Winston Bloody Churchill and I'm Free'. (http://youtu.be/LxoOiTgFHPI ) You have to have seen the movie 'Young Winston' for this to make any sense and it is really weird the things that pass through your head at times of crisis and high stress. I mean I had seen the movie just once, when I was a kid in the 70s when it came out but it must have really struck a chord with me. Anyway, I managed to stop the car and apply the handbrake, drop her into neutral, grab the pig by the ear and drag it back into the car, call out for help and realise the pig in the back had just crapped all over the inside of my once spotless motor. But I was talking about trikes, right? 70

Well the 'Aha!' moment that spurred me to have the trike made was this first pig run. I felt, intuitively perhaps, the Red Terror was not the right vehicle for the transportation of stock. I didn't have the cash to buy a ute or even a pick-up version of a multi-cab; so a trike it would have to be. We had the motorcycle already; the Lifan 110cc Super Tourer in aqua greeny-blue with the fake emerald rosary and crucifix wrapped around the clutch handle. This step-through was a Made in China Honda copy we bought for P38,000 in 2002 and it is still going strong today, more or less. The side car was made by the local Dong that makes side cars and cost us around P4000, about $100. It was supplied with just the reddish-brown anti-rust paint job which Papa soon had a gleaming yellow. I couldn't wait to drive it! 71

The thing was a pig, no pun intended. A real bitch to drive. The handle bars had the unhealthy habit of suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, ripping themselves out of your grip and snapping 90 degrees to the left. This had the effect of the whole combination rocketing off to the opposite side of the road, across the path of any oncoming traffic; all in the blink of an eye and the beat of a heart. It was terrifying! Just keeping it in a straight line required constant correcting input to the handle bars, the foot pegs, the seat where it was gripped by my butt cheeks; it was a total body workout. 71

I have ridden other trikes and found they all have this latent tendency to end it all for their rider and passengers. Why? I think it is the camber setup, it could be adjusted to have the motorbike running on an angle and thus negating the need to flick itself inside out at any moment. Of course when I discussed this with the sidecar makers they denied all knowledge of there being any problem with how the thing drove. Apparently all trikes are like that and they see no reason to do anything to rectify this. Very typical Filipino thinking, I'm afraid. 72

So, given there are three trikes to every man, woman and child in the country, or so it often seems, can you imagine the potential for disaster 'frarping' down the streets, spewing blue smoke and stenching the air with the lovely aroma of Co2? What if there is some kind of countdown happening, even as you read this? At a pre-determined moment in time, every single trike in the country will suddenly flick itself off to the left and into the path of whatever traffic is oncoming? They weren't ready for Typhoon Yolanda and they had three days of advance warning for that catastrophe; how will they recover from this? 72

If you live in the Philippines while you read this, or have been here and can cast your mind's eye back to the chaotic trike filled streets; imagine how it would be if all of a sudden every trike in the country took a sharp left turn. The thing is, the sidecars are licensed to carry 35 sitting, 17 standing but common sense and good judgement means they rarely travel at capacity. Five, ten, maybe fifteen at the most. The driver has his wrists surgically adjusted so they work backwards while he stands on the pegs, leans forward over the headlight and five or six crowd on the seat behind him. He probably mastered this skill as a Habal-Habal, or motorcycle taxi rider. They even sell special Habal-Habal editions of motorcycles with extended rear seats, beefed up rear shocks and custom designed bald tyres. Once he cuts his teeth on the Habal-Habal he can progress to the trike. 73

74

My brother-in-law, Dong, is a Habal-Habal rider. He sits at the stand-by post with his barkada and dreams collective dreams of owning a trike all his own, one day. It is not really the life for a married man and father of two, but he is still young. He has many hours to dream of his trike, it seems, as there are many Habal-Habal riders and not that many passengers. These guys have a reputation as lady's men; not always true but the close proximity of the female passenger, squashed against your back and so on, jiggling up and down as the bike negotiates the rough back roads to the places trikes can never fit fuels the myth. So why give up this life for that of a trike driver? 75

A trike is representative of success, business acumen and longevity in providing a vital link in the public transportation chain; Habal-Habal is merely an entry point for wanna-be's, too often where they end their careers, also. A trike charges more, carries more and needs more time to be washed, worshipped and wondered about. Make no mistake, the trike driver has his share of the lady killer reputation that makes these guys so alluring, so attractive as lovers and providers of support for Filipinas keen to raise a family. But he also has substance. He has his trike. He can take the entire family, including her mother, wherever they want to go on his days off. He has means, motive and method! 75

So, back to the pending 'End of Days' for Trikes scenario. Apparently there are carvings on the sides of Mayan pyramids that forecast this day. I haven't seen them personally but I have this on very good authority. One day, maybe not today, probably not tomorrow and quite possibly not until after the next election but one day, for sure, every trike in the country will suddenly, without any warning whatsoever, snap its handle bars to the left and rocket across the road, passengers screaming in absolute terror, any livestock trussed and bound aboard squealing with delight as they will now end their lives at the same time as those who would eat a fellow passenger. The carnage will be comprehensive and it will not just include those riding in, on and attached to the trikes at the time. Pedestrians, people hanging out of bus doorways, off the back of jeepneys and those previously thought safe people sitting on white plastic patio chairs in the back of pick-ups... they will all die. In fact, the only ones to survive will be the trike drivers themselves who, through a strange quirk of quantum physics and human kinesiology (look it up), will be thrown clear. 76

So, next time you are in the Philippines, or if you live there, the next time you venture out of your home... take a good look at the traffic. Count the trikes. Imagine the carnage were it to happen right then and there. Trust me, this knowledge is a burden because you will never be able to ride a trike, or walk, ride or drive past one again without wondering.... Is this the moment? 76

And In Closing 78

So, there you have it. The big message I hope to get across is that you will be the fish out of water, the one who has to adjust if you move to the Philippines or even just vacation there. It will be the same for your new ride if you whisk her back to Oz right after the wedding. 78

If you think things in the Pinas are different, imagine what it will be like for her. More so because she will be away from her family, perhaps for the first time in her life. My bet advice is to always have her best interests in mind. When the going gets tough, pause and remember the moment you knew she was the one. Remember how you felt when you fell in love, then take a deep breath and try again. Enjoy. 78

78

# About This Book

This book was written to help foreigners better understand the Philippines. For many of us it is our second home. We have married into a Filipino family and perhaps even migrated there to live with our Filipina, raise a family or just retire and enjoy the good life. Some readers will have taken their new bride back to wherever home is for them and begun the often times complex and trying journey of assimilation. As much for you as it is for her, in many ways.

The reality is, the Philippines is a different place to wherever you came from and if it wasn't, you wouldn't go there, would you? Whatever it was that brought you to the Pinas, it wasn't because everything you love about home is there in spades! So why, then, do so many foreigners, or 'kanos' as we are all known as, seem to be forever complaining about all things Filipino?

This little book will try and explain some of the more common anomalies and throw in some of the many humorous things that have happened to the author and the many kano expats who contributed their own anecdotes of life in the Philippines or with their Filipina, wherever they may be. Even having said that, the content of this book reflects mostly my experience and opinions and your mileage, as they say, may vary.

One thing I know for certain; if you are going to live there, you need to always remember it is a foreign country and culture. No matter how much it may seem on the surface to be 'western'; it isn't. It is a very unique and distinct country with a proud history and a broad church of cultures and communities. I trust you will enjoy reading this book and I thank Jeff Harvie of Down Under Visa for commissioning me to write it.

Perry Gamsby, 2014.

# They Speak English, Don't They?

W hen it comes to somewhere to vacation or retire to, the thing that many expats like about the Philippines, compared say to Vietnam, Thailand or somewhere else in Asia or Latin America, is the prevalence of English speakers. Officially, thanks to the American occupation from 1898 to 1946, English is the second language and widely used in government, education and business.

Note I did not parrot the old line about English being the official language used in schools, government and business as it once was? Prior to the People Power revolution, or ousting of Ferdinand Marcos in 1986, that was the way the place was sold to the rest of the world. Particularly the English-speaking and specifically, US, portion of it. It wasn't true then and it wouldn't be true today. Please be under no illusions or delusions: the Philippines is not an English-speaking country.

At best, they speak Taglish. This is a combination of Tagalog and English. Tagalog is the language of the Tagalogs, the people who inhabited the region where the capita, Manila, is located. For a couple of centuries the Spanish ran the country from Cebu, but eventually they moved the capital to the island of Luzon. There are more native speakers of Cebuano than there are Tagalog but, because so many people move to the capital for work the census is skewed somewhat.

Imelda Marcos, shoe loving wife of the former President, helped the push to have a national language; Filipino. This is 97% Tagalog, which irks the remainder of the country that speaks some 100 or so languages and dialects. It also reflects the problems Filipinos have with being Filipino. They really don't see themselves as Filipinos until they go overseas. Before that they are Ilocanos, Boholanos, Cebuanos and so on. Once overseas they initially band together and feel the pride of being Pinoy, form associations and organise their social lives before splintering into various region-based groups. For example, the Filipino-Qatar Music Club will spawn the Cebuano-Qatar Music Club, the Mindanao-Qatar Music Association and the Bicolano-Qatar Music Lovers Society.

With this tendency to regionalise, it made sense, at least to Imelda, to give the Pilipino a common language. Language bonds and binds, after all. I guess it made sense to base it on Tagalog given that is the native tongue of the place with the most people, at least in the confines of the NCR (National Capital Region). Afterall, they always have English to bridge any gaps, right?

The social hierarchy of the Philippines reflects its history. Those at the top speak Spanish, English, Tagalog and the language of their region. Next rung of the ladder down, the Spanish is replaced with English, Tagalog and the regional language, usually spoken in that order, at least among their peers. Next rung down it is Tagalog, the regional language and English (for those in Manila and surrounding region), or regional language, Tagalog and English. Below them come those who speak the regional language and Tagalog and below them the regional language only. The further you get from Manila and then the further into the province you go from the regional capital, the less you will find English spoken.

This doesn't mean it is not understood or that whoever you are conversing with doesn't speak it. It usually means they are embarrassed about how well, or poorly they think they speak English. Even if they speak it well enough to communicate, they may be ashamed they don't speak it as well as you! Irrational, I know, but there is a lot of social 'cache' hanging off one's level of English. School teachers are supposed to be able to speak English and they can, among themselves. When it comes to talking to you or I there is every chance they will clam up, simply because they feel their English is not as good as it should be.

I have had this experience with many government officials who should be able to communicate with me, or at least understand what I am going on about, however they feign an inability to understand anything I say whatsoever. It is not like the French who may or may not understand you but simply refuse out of Gallic pride and the tragic belief that French is still the 'International Language' (which it was until the Germans beat the crap out of them for the third time in a row in 1940 and everyone else figured a new 'Lingua Franca' might be needed to sort out diplomatic differences of opinion). No, with the Filipino there is pride involved, but a lot of other emotion and psychology, also. Suffice to say, the boast that the Philippines is the largest English-speaking country in Asia is no longer correct. After the 1986 reforms to the Constitution, English was no more the language of the classroom. Local languages were permitted to be used for teaching local kids, which makes sense on one level. Alongside the instruction in, say Cebuano, classes would be held in 'Filipino' (98% Tagalog, remember) and English. The reality, at least away from Manila and in the average government school was that kids learned in the local language, but also had a good grasp of Filipino (backed by the use of Tagalog in just about every movie, TV show, song etc) and had, at the very least heard English words spoken and had spoken a few of them themselves. Not quite what they had in mind back in 1986, methinks.

So what is the situation, on the ground, as they say, in 2015? Can you still manage to be understood when buying stuff, meeting people and getting around? The short answer is yes, definitely. Getting to know the locals is not a problem, never was and never will be. Getting to know and communicate with the right locals, now... that's another thing entirely. Rest assured, anyone who fills their rice bowl via a foreigner will make it his or her business to speak English.

This is not a bad thing. Sure, there will be scammers and others who will use their command of the English language to take advantage of you but most people will be like most people anywhere in the world. Nice, friendly, honest. I am convinced I could go anywhere and meet more good people than bad, including North Korea, Iran or whichever nation is currently on the US's hate list for not playing the game their way. Governments, on the other hand, are another thing altogether but the people will be just like you and me for the most part. It is no different in the Philippines, even if they don't speak a word of English. Which would be a rare thing; not a single word of English.

You see the whole 'Taglish' thing is status-based. Celebrities, artistas and other luminaries pepper their conversation with English words and phrases. I used to think they didn't have words for somethings in Filipino. I was wrong, they have words for everything or if not, they can make one up from the root suffixes and prefixes and people will be able to follow what they are on about. Or so I have been reliably told. Pretty cool... so why the 'Taglish'? Why toss in bits of English? I mean it drives me nuts!

You are watching a show, say 'TV Patrol', lots of lurid footage of people being led away by cops, getting a cuff across the ears and then publicly scolded on camera by the local senator or congressman/woman. "Blah blah blah blah the dastardly deed they do blah blah blah blah, which is why I have decided to blah blah blah blah." I mean come on! What did they do that was so 'dastardly'? Which is another facet of Taglish, the antiquated English expressions used. They are all accurate and often used in the correct context; it's just nobody in the native English speaking word has used them since the 1930s.

I have seen the English textbooks in use at the local high school where my wife studied. Both of them. As in both copies, shared by all. OK , it's not that bad but there are very few textbooks and they have to be shared between four students and they are very, very outdated. The grammar and vocabulary are archaic. This leads to the other problem you will come across: a word which can have several meanings or uses in our conversations only has one meaning and application when used by, to or among Filipinos.

A n example is 'I don't care'. I once told my wife in a soft tone, when asked whether we should eat Thai or Japanese, that 'I don't care, both are fine.' To her and many Filipinas, 'I don't care' means 'I don't care what you want to eat and I don't care about you or your family or anyone else in the world and you can all go away and die!' Or so it seemed from the tampo that resulted. The word 'crony', for instance, can never be used in fun or as a humorous dig at a Filipino. Corrupt politicians have cronies, nobody else. It permeates down to even less obvious words like 'ask'. You see the instruction, even on official posters, documents, TV ads and websites to 'Call 0916 555 555 and LOOK for Precious Apple Gonzalez'. Not 'Call 0916 555 555 and ASK for Precious Apple Gonzalez'. Why? Because 'ask' is only ever used in context of asking for a bribe, a payment, their 'Christmas, Sorrr' (tip). If you rang the number and asked for Ms Gonzalez everyone would know she was doing favours and expecting, or handing out, backhanders. Obvious, right?

Prepositional use is another fun thing. You don't fill out a form or even fill it in. You 'fill up' forms. Forget the fact you may not have an answer to every question, you still have to 'fill up' the form. You have to 'fall in line', nobody forms a queue. I also like the way they adapt verbs and nouns to suit. If you do well at school or college, you are a Top-Notcher. Even on TV and as spoken by the government, President et al: "the 'Top-Notchers' for 2014 are..." Like wise you have kidnappers in English so in Taglish you get car-nappers and hold-uppers. If you find yourself in hospital your visitors become 'watchers'. But then without watchers, how is the patient going to be fed, get their medication, actually take it, be bathed and so on? Nurses? They are there to follow the doctor around, not waste time taking care of patients. That is what watchers are for. It is an official title with signs on walls clearly stating only two watchers per patient. They will stay in the room with the patient, even a public ward. Private rooms usually have a divan or couch for the watchers to sleep on. But I digress.

At least when your Filipina is looking at you and saying something, you have a fighting chance of communicating. The problem is the Filipina also has a selection of non-verbal communication techniques that can be problematic if not understood. The first is the way they give directions by pointing with their lips. This has to be the most laid-back method of directing someone ever created. You ask a question like, 'where is the jeepney depot?' and the person you ask says nothing but does a goldfish impression with their lips, then twists them off to one side slightly. There is usually a little involuntary jaw raising or chin movement that is not necessary to accurately depict direction, just that lips and chin/jaw are joined my muscle and so on. You can't expect directions in isolation when you strip it down to the absolute minimum like this.

I have no idea what happens when you ask for directions to anywhere not within 15 degrees of the centreline of the face of your director, or direction-giver, whatever the Taglish term is for this role. I would imagine the inclusion of an eye-rolling motion to add emphasis that where you want to go is not just off to one side of the director's face, but further round. I haven't seen this myself, I'm merely surmising. I asked my wife about this and she thought it was a dumb kano kind of question. Wherever you want directions to will always be either straight in front of the director, to the left of them or to the right of them. How far left or right is irrelevant as sooner or later you will go in a circle anyway or whatever. I dunno, it has never been something she, or any other Filipino I have asked (and I have asked a few!) seem concerned about so I guess it takes care of itself. Just watch out for the directional pout. You know you have settled in to living in the Philippines when someone asks you for directions and you pout and point with your lips. Without even realising it.

Another form of non-verbal communication is the eyebrow raise to acknowledge or say 'yes'. This one can be tricky, especially at first but even for experienced expats it can bring you grief. You ask a Filipina a question and she says nothing. You ask again and again, her reply is nothing, not a word, not even a nod or shake of the head. You begin to worry she didn't hear you, or didn't understand your accent. You ask again, slowly, then once more with an exaggerated American-Pinoy accent that makes your bowels loosen, but you can't help that and still... not a word. You ask one more time and she goes off! Explodes! Gives you a mouthful and then absolute silence for twenty four hours. Tampo! What the hell happened?

Basically, you weren't listening. She answered you the first time and there was no need for the pantomime and carry-on you went through. If there were other Filipinos around you just embarrassed the hell out of her and deserve all the tampo you will be getting. What you, the dumb kano, failed to pick up on was that she, the Filipina and thus smarter than you in so many ways, was answering. She was raising her eyebrows every time you asked the question. She was telling you 'yes'. Or 'no'. Usually an eyebrow raise means yes but it could mean no, depends on the question and the subsequent answer. That makes sense, right?

Where this can really cause an international incident in the sala is when she has her back to you. This is more common than you might think and I have several reports of this happening to kanos, both new to the Filipina and old hands like myself. No matter how good you think you are at the care and taming of the Pinay... they will best you every time. Never a dull moment and all that. So imagine your good lady is doing something, back to you, busy as a bee. You ask her a simple, yes or no question. She doesn't reply. You ask her again, no answer. You ask a third time, this time loudly and with some emphasis in your voice to show you mean to get a reply and... One of two things. Either total silence and a storming off, still with back turned, or a spin around and Mayon-Mayon-Minatubo. A major volcanic eruption. Seriously! Did you not see her raising her eyebrows every time you asked the same stupid question? Are you blind, stupid or both?

The fact she had her back to you is irrelevant to the Filipina. She answered your question... five times! There were a couple of double eyebrow raises thrown in just in case you hadn't heard her answer the first time, ok na lang? Now look at the mood you've gotten her into. And that, my friend, is that and there is nothing you can do about it. Welcome to the 'I married a sub-servient Asian woman' club. Like a lot of things in this world... that sub-servient thing is a myth and you are not getting any 'servience', sub or otherwise, for some time to come!

# Family Matters

When you marry a Filipina you are suddenly the center of a large, extended family. I inherited some two hundred immediate and close relatives and over four hundred 'distant' ones. Do the math. If your wife is one of just five kids (a small family by Filipino standards), and her parents are both from five kid families, that's eight uncles and aunts who will marry eight other Filipinos. Say each of the eight new families also have five kids, you wife will have forty cousins. So, her, her siblings and her parents make seven new family members. Then add the sixteen aunts and uncles and forty cousins and there are now sixty three family members in the 'immediate' family. Plus up to four grandparents. That is if we limit sibling size to five per parent pair. The reality can be a lot more!

Second cousins can easily number in the hundreds and beyond that the mind simply boggles when you think of great aunts and uncles and third cousins. So how do you handle this sudden explosion of relatives? Fortunately, Filipinos are like anyone else and nod sagely when you say, 'you can pick your friends, but you can't choose your relatives'. There will be a ton of them that are persona non grata for some reason, real or imagined. When you dig right down you will find the wife has a sibling or two she prefers over the rest and the same for a select group of first cousins, preferred aunts and the odd decent uncle. Generally mum and dad will be ok and at least one 'lola' and 'lolo' (grandparents).

Keeping the preferred relatives down to manageable numbers is critical to the future of your marriage. Unless you are well off, there are only so many dollars you can spare for the various emergencies you will be turned to for assistance. Let us put this money thing into perspective. First of all, the family managed for many generations well enough to reach the present day without your financial support. Having said that, family is a big deal in the Philippines.

Your asawa will have a lot of pressure on her, much of it subtle and a lot of it sub-conscious. The Filipino way usually has the children doing as they please while small, to the point of what we might consider 'babying'. I have seen 8 year olds spoon fed by their mothers or yaya's (a nanny). Some families have one yaya for each child, at least the better off ones and those with a kano parent. It can be just a way to give your wife's siblings (sisters and cousins) an income as well as involvement in the family life or, it can be a statement being made to let others know how well off she is now.

This is a double edged sword as it can attract jealousy and create demands for money (even to the extent of kidnapping and ransom demands in extreme situations); but it can also serve as a warning to any who might think about giving the family grief. Having a kano husband says we can afford to 'file a case' and you will lose and it will cost you!

If you take your asawa back to your country, do not be surprised if she wants to send money to her parents on a regular basis. You should discuss this with her before the wedding as it needs to be sorted out. How much are you willing to send? If she works and has her own money, how much of that should she give to them and how much should she contribute to the family coffers. Many Filipinos think everyone is rich in Australia or the US and if you work 'for dollars' then you make a ton of money and can throw it around like it doesn't matter.

Keep in mind, when many kanos go to the Pinas they are on vacation, have money saved up and spend freely. This can give a warped impression of wealth. Back home, hubby has a regular job, makes a modest wage and probably lives payday to payday for the most part with not a lot of spare cash to send overseas. Asawa might feel obligated to not only look after her parents but also send her siblings to school, college and then overseas to work. All of which takes money.

You might be lucky, like me, and marry a woman who puts her own immediate family (you and the kids) first. Or you get one that has such a guilt trip she is forever paying every little bill the extended family incurs. Another might do it to show off and establish herself as some kind of rich patroness of the entire barangay. We have one in our family; whenever she returns from the USA she throws cash around to everyone but her own family. No point wasting it on people who already know she has been fortunate marrying a well-off retiree and there are no children of her own marriage to support.

Assistance could come in the form of sending 'Balikbayan boxes', stuffed full of all sorts of goodies. We did this once but the reality is that given the sending cost $100, plus we had to buy the clothes, chocolates and other goodies to go in it, the smarter course would have been to send the cash as they can buy all those things there anyway, for the most part. Still, it is nice to have a big box to open and spread the love around; it's not always about good economic choices, right?

Filipinos are very resourceful and there is a story doing the rounds of how a Filipina living in the USA made good use of a tragedy. The mother was visiting her daughter and family in the US when she sadly passed away. The return of the body was organised and the coffin sent via DHL or PAL or someone; all with the right paperwork of course. It was checked by customs on arrival at Manila airport and they felt there was something wrong with the x-ray. Upon opening the coffin they found the body of dear old departed mama... wearing 22 layers of clothing. Beside her were stuffed pairs of Nikes and boxes of Hershey Bars with a letter pinned to mama's top layer of clothing. The letter detailed who was to get what! Since the travel insurance had to pay for the body to be returned, the Filipina felt they might as well make use of all the space and save on a Balikbayan box!

The really good thing about marrying into a Filipino family is that you will never be short of someone to hang with. Filipinos love company and their whole culture is based on doing things together, in groups. Pakikisama, or group harmony, is a very important cultural concept. I have seen grown men borrow a baby relative to accompany them across the street to the sari sari store to buy cigarettes. Nobody wants to go anywhere on their own, right? Off goes Uncle Dong, toddler on hip, happy as a lark. When it comes to more distant journeys, like into town to do something official at the municipality (town hall), then you must have at least one companion, pronounced kom-PAN-yon. If you send the helper to do the shopping, don't be surprised if she takes one of the kids with her, or asks her neighbour's helper to accompany her. Of course, you will pay for both trike rides. It's easier to just accept this and swallow the few cents expense as otherwise you get the 'long face and the murmuring'. Both are very Filipino expressions of not being impressed with the kano who knows nothing about how vital it is you don't do anything by yourself. What if an onggu was to suddenly grab you and take you away? It happens... apparently.

If you see a Filipino male drinking by himself, stay well clear. He will have some serious issues to deal with and you should never argue with a drunken Filipino. Not when he has his 'barkada' (close personal friends) with him and more so never when he is alone. Being alone is so alien to the Filipino way that it is a good danger signal to be aware of. Of course many Filipinos do things on their own, but generally the group approach is the way it is. I have seen five employees in a Gaisano supermarket clean up one small spill. Most stand around and offer encouragement, wave pieces of cardboard box to help the mopping dry, or just look concerned for whoever has to clean the mess. It is an endearing quality of the Filipino. They are incredibly loyal to each other, starting with immediate family, the barkada and extending to any other Filipino; but only when overseas. In the Philippines they are very clannish and wary of anyone from a different island or who speaks a different language.

Don't be surprised if you are given a companion should you wish to take a walk around the neighbourhood. A kano on his own is a target for all sorts of dangerous felons; such as young, flirty Filipinas on the hunt for a Kano of their own. No matter your age or physical appearance, there will always be someone in this country who finds you attractive, even if it is just your peso-nality. There will be a genuine concern for your safety, as everyone knows how dangerous the barangay your wife grew up in (and knows everyone and everyone knows her, and you), is related to more than half the people to some degree even though there hasn't been a serious crime other than some domestic violence since Rizal wrote his manifesto. Their concern for you is genuine and touching, but it can be a little cloying, which rhymes with annoying. When we lived in Talisay, Cebu, I went for a walk every afternoon at 4pm, which given the lack of pavements and the traffic was risky in itself, but I never had any problems. I did the same when I lived in Manila, walking for miles around some very 'low-rent' squatter areas. I carried very little money and a cheap cell phone and a big smile and never had any problems. But the family were deeply concerned at first.

You can get into a bad family situation where the mother-in-law is forever telling her daughter to buy this, get the kano to provide that and so on. You need to check this out before you get hitched, as best as you can. Set some ground rules, be respectful of the differences in cultures but don't be seen as a push over and you should be fine. 

# Aswangs And Onngus

I love the myths and legends of the Philippines. Lots of evil spirits, called 'onggus' (ong – ooze) abound. The duwende live in your house, or in trees and are more of a nuisance than a danger, a bit like our goblins. The name comes from the Spanish 'duende', or goblin and from the term 'duende en casa', or owner of the house. They can be nice, or naughty, it all depends on how you treat them. Some people leave food on the floor to feed them and keep them onside. They have a nasty habit of stealing your stuff and hiding it, then laughing at you while you search for it. Do not be surprised if your Filipina blames the duwende when she can't find something. She might wander around muttering 'tabi-tabi po' or even 'bari-bari apo ma ka ilabas kami apo'. Eventually the duwende will give it back to her, but not before she has looked high and low.

There are worse onggu, like the dreaded manananggal, one of the evil aswangs. The manananggal can separate the top half of its body and fly around looking for pregnant women and feasting on them if they don't have the right kind of protection. My wife used to wear a patch of black cloth pinned to her knickers when she was pregnant. That and some special leaves left on the windowsill kept her manananggal free for several of her pregnancies. Don't laugh, it works. I didn't see a single manananggal the entire time and we have five kids! If you do see someone changing into a manananggal, grab some salt and pour it on the bottom half they leave behind. It will kill them instantly and in a lot of pain. I would carry some salt with me anytime I had to go out at night, just in case, if I were you. You never know.

Aswangs are shape-shifters, human by day, a bat, cat, dog or pig by night. Cunning, aren't they? These evil beings can be living right next door to you and you'd never know it. At night they shape shift and get on the roof of the house of a pregnant woman, make their tongue needle thin and long and then use it to eat the foetus. Some 82% of all miscarriages in the Visayas are the result of aswang activity. How do they know there is a pregnant woman in the house? Well they can tell by her scent, which is said to be like a ripe jackfruit. Of course aswangs don't restrict themselves to just pregnant Filipinas. If they were to do that, even with the multitude of pinay in the pudding club at any one time, they would starve. They also prey of people who stay awake too late or travellers caught out after dark. If you have ever been in the province on a moonless night with enough cloud cover to block out the stars you know how pitch black it can be. Prime time for the aswang!

There are also witches, especially on the island of Suiquijor. Called mangkukulam, or mambabarang, they are pretty nasty pieces of work and often use insects to carry their evil spells to their victim. So if you thought that was just a spider bite, think again! Some nasty witch has it in for you. The list of onggu is quite long and of course varies from province to province. The attributes and activities of the creatures are pretty similar, just the names will change. Some common ones are the wakwak. They are body snatchers, the really worrying thing about them, since they are just about everywhere, is that they can fly. Ekek are another flying pest of the supernatural variety. You can hear these flying onggu flapping their wings at night, often sounding just like one of the family chickens stretching its wings in its tree branch roost. But of course, those flaps are from an ekek or wakwak, everyone knows that.

My wife once asked me if mermaids were real, after she had seen about four movies and cartoons featuring these western based mythical creatures. It turns out Filipinos have their own version; sirena. I wonder if the word comes from the Spanish, for siren, something we also call our water based babes who lure seamen to their deaths. There is a male version, the siyokoy. These are not good looking down to the waistline, but green and scaly all over and have either finned or webbed feet. They drown people and eat them and are responsible for 82% of all missing fishermen and drownings in the Visayas.

We might find these superstitions amusing, but it wasn't long ago our forefathers firmly believed in the same kind of evil spirits. The Philippines might be 84% Catholic and the rest other Christian denominations, 5% Muslim and 2% 'other'; but the pre-Spanish animist beliefs are still very much in existence, especially in the province. Fortunately, there is a force for good that fights these evil doers. Quack doctors. The official, accepted name for the local shaman like faith healer is quack doctor; obviously a term inherited from the American colonization days. These guys are very good at healing a wide range of common ills. I have had a very nasty heat rash fixed in a day by the quack spitting a herbal solution made from chewing various leaves onto the infected area. Not pleasant, but an experience all the same.

You have to keep in mind that many people can't afford western doctors. They will go to them for major problems but usually the local quack is the first port of call. They are very familiar with the more common infections and ailments, as one would expect. They have lived in that location all their lives and were trained by their father or uncle who was in turn trained by his relative. If they didn't have a better than 50% cure rate, they would be out of business and probably run out of the barangay. All the stuff that doesn't work is put down to the spell or curse placed on them by a jealous neighbour, or their own lack of faith.

Quack doctors use anting anting, or special charms, to help them. They often have symbols and Latin words tattooed on their arms or legs and they know all the onggu in the area, most by first name. When we had one cleanse our piggery of onggu after eight pigs died mysteriously (from a bird-borne virus doing the rounds), our quack made a little on the side holding a clinic on the front porch after the ceremony. He had a dozen people avail of his services within a few minutes; his fame was great in the area. We had actually had to go and pick him up as he lived ten kilometres away; but you travel that far when you need someone with his powers because losing eight pigs is a major onggu situation to deal with. We're not talking the house duwende playing silly buggers here, this was a major onggu having fun at our expense.

The quack doctor would look at the patient's hands and eyes, tongue and ears, then write something on a scrap of paper, mostly weird symbols and some words in Latin. Then he'd say an incantation and, for a few more pesos, tell their fortune. This guy had some serious clout because everyone went away much happier. The serious looks and deep frowns they had worn when they arrived were gone. After a couple of hours he was too tired to keep up the healing so we gave him some Tanduay rum and a ton of the food that had been put out as an offering for the pig killing onggu and drove him home to a little nipa hut in the mountains. This guy was old, frail looking and shrivelled up like a walnut. As we parted, he took my hand in one of his, then patted my chest with the other and shook his head. Six years later I had major robotic heart surgery and died during the operation. I wonder what he sensed?

# Out Of Stock, Sir

You don't have to be in the Philippines for long before you realise that the words 'customer service' have a very different application and meaning in the Pinas, compared to, well, just about anywhere else you may have ever been. If you have ever asked for something, say at a restaurant, then waited for ages and finally inquired where was the item you ordered only to be told, 'out of stock, sir'... you know what I mean.

Or you go into a department store and every aisle has its own clerk... except the one selling the stuff you want to buy. You ask the clerk in the next aisle a simple question and you are told, 'out of stock, sir'. You press the point and you may learn that the clerk you are questioning does not handle that aisle. That clerk is busy elsewhere. OK, so now what? Now you go without, grab what you can, or stand there and wait until the carabao come home.

Were that clerk to serve you he, or she, would be committing a grave sin. They would have trespassed on the sovereign territory of the clerk who usually looks after that aisle. Such proprieties must always be observed, or else the entire social order will fall apart. It will lead to a collapse of good order and civil obedience at the very least, surely. If any employee answered just any inquiry where would it end? Before you can shout 'Kano!' clerks would be actually learning about the stuff they sell instead of just keeping it dusted and looking pretty. Customers would be getting served by anyone employed by the store and not the person specifically entreated with serving customers of a specific aisle or product range.

Product knowledge is a rare thing, even back home, but in the Philippines you rarely come across a sales clerk who knows anything about the product they sell. When you do find one, they are absolute experts, real wizards at the product and know it inside out. Pity this is a rare event. Most barely know they have the product, while many will immediately claim 'out of stock' status to save themselves from the risk of being embarrassed by either not being able to speak brilliant English (and thus opening themselves to scorn and ridicule for life, apparently) or not knowing the answer to piercing questions. Questions like, 'how much?', 'how many do you have?', 'how long does it take?' and so forth. All those nasty little details you will need to know to get any value or use out of whatever it is you are buying.

The thing is, the employee is not there to serve the customer. No, not at all. The customer is there to make the business owner realise how important the clerk is and how very necessary the clerk is to the owner's business success. The owner on the other hand, has a very different view of the relationship between the customer and his or her business. The business is not there to serve the customer, oh no. The customer is there to be impressed that someone has gone to a lot of trouble and risk to open a store selling the items it sells and therefore the customer is very fortunate the store exists. If it were not there, where would they obtain such items?

The customer is the root of all problems when it comes to the whole question of customer service. The word 'customer' makes up 50% of the term itself, as you can see. Just because the name of the store may be 'Gitau's Shoe Store' is no indication the store will actually sell shoes. It probably will, but don't take that to the bank (we'll cover banks later). These stores do sell everything, including fake label knock-offs. That is quite common in the Philippines and I have seen it in all the major department store chains; everything from fake Rolex watches to counterfeit Jim Beam and Johnny Walker, both with the proper customs-bond seals around the caps but filled with Tanduay! Knock-off Land Rover footwear, fake Sketchers shoes, don't even get me started on cosmetics! But I digress. This is not about the authenticity of branded products, but the way they are served, or not as the case too often is.

Many stores are owned by Chinoys, that is, Chinese-Filipinos. They tend to dominate trade and prefer family run enterprises. The organisations can be very large, but tend to run out of trusted, reliable relatives to run things after a certain level of growth. Some go the western way with a board of directors and others simply stay at the largest they can become without breeding more heirs apparent. The mindset is often the same, though. Customers are fortunate the original patriarch or matriarch started the business and allows them to sully their store and interrupt their day by disrupting stock-taking; i.e.; buying stuff. Remember that mindset next time you go into one of these stores and everything will fall into place.

The staff member who serves you will be living in fear their six month casual contract will be rescinded at any tick of the clock. Even the big chains exploit their staff by making them work on short-term contracts. This means they don't have to pay all the benefits such as sick leave, or the 13th Month salary at Christmas time many rely on to make Christmas a bit more special than every other month of the year. The usual trick is to use a contractor to supply staff so they can deny not providing permanent positions to casuals at the end of the initial contract. You see with hundreds of thousands of 16 year old graduating high school every year, there is no shortage of labour. Even now they are putting up the leaving age another two years, there will still be too many applicants for each and every position.

Why do you think the check-out has four people and three cash registers, yet only one register is actually in operation? Because the check-out isn't large enough to handle the amount of staff needed to run all three registers at once, of course! You need a minimum of three people per register, preferably four. One to receive the goods from the customer, another to use the register and a third to bag the item. Ideally there is a fourth who passes it to the customer and ensures there is no smile offered as that would lessen the gravity of such an important commercial transaction as the purchase of underwear, or whatever it was. They can't make the check-outs bigger to accommodate up to nine, maybe twelve e people, despite them all being slim and petite. That would take up too much selling floor space and that wouldn't be good business sense. Actually having more than one register operating, especially when the customers are lined up ten or more deep is stupid. The shop is not there to serve the customer, remember? It is there to show the world how awesome the owner is.

O nce you are at the register and being served, you must be prepared for vacant stares should you actually ask a question. Your job is to hand over the merchandise and the money when asked but never to the same person you handed the merchandise to, she doesn't handle money and it would only confuse her and irk the money handler were you to do this. Enjoy the admiring stares and ensuing discussion your choice of purchase generates among the check-out personnel. If they do not approve of you, or your purchase, they will inform you of this directly. In Manila I had one girl remark to my wife how she was 'very dark, ma'am'. And her point was? Another once told me I was 'tambok', or fat. I complimented her on her powers of observation and reminded her that while I was off to Chow King for a flat noodle top-up for my tum, she was still going to be standing there making sod all a month. Can you spell 'long-face'? Why do they do this? What kind of a society is it that thinks saying such things is acceptable? Filipino society, so get used to it.

When the retail set-up is not the open-plan, department store help-yourself variety, expect more fun and games. I have more than once asked for a widget I can see on the shelf behind the clerk only to be told, 'out of stock, sir'. When I point out there is one on the shelf etc, they usually say it is just for show, so customers know they sell that item. Ok, I reply, realising I am getting sucked into a hiding to nowhere but my inner sense of logic and justice refuses to be over ridden by experience and common sense. If you don't have stock, why display that item? 'To show that we sell them, sir' comes the reply.

'Yes, but you don't, do you?'

'Sir?'

'Sell them. You don't sell them.'

'Yes we do sir.'

'Ok, so can I have one please?'

'Sorry sir, they are out of stock!'

'What about the one on the shelf behind you?' You will get a puzzled look here as they realise they just told you about that.

'That is not for sale, sir. As I told you, that is so our customers know what we sell.'

'Yes but you don't sell them. You are out of stock except for that one. If you sold it to me then you wouldn't give customers the false impression you sell those. You could order more in and then, when they arrive, put one up there to let customers know you sell them. So sell me that one.'

'I cant do that, sir.'

'Why not?'

'Because then we wouldn't have one to show customers that we sell them!' This is said with an immediate brightening of the face as the brilliant logic of the answer gets through to their brain.

'But you don't sell them. You don't have any in stock!' Kano is now getting irritated.

'Yes we do, sir. See, there's one on the shelf behind me.'

'So sell me that one!'

'Sorry sir, that is for display only. Out of stock!'

You could keep it up indefinitely, I fear. The good thing is that you have actually been served, well, attended to. I once walked into a computer store in Ayala Mall in Cebu and stood there for ten minutes. I then laid down on the couch at the front of the store (just a small, one room mall shop) and rested for another fifteen minutes. There was only one other customer at first, then none. There were three staff members. Not one bothered me as I rested. After nearly half an hour I tired of the game and asked one for the manager. He said he was the manager, so I asked for the owner. The owner was not in the store but the manager offered me their cell phone number. I rang the manager, explained how his staff had done nothing to serve me and that I was taking my US$1200 laptop purchase to his competitor. You'd think the owner would say something, anything to get me to spend my money in his store. Nope. He just hung up. Didn't seem to care he was paying his staff to ignore customers or that one with money and intent was spending his somewhere else. I was lucky I was allowed to spend so much time in his store, no doubt.

Now, on to banks. I know of a kano who went to a bank where he had a US Dollar savings account. He put US$ in the account and could withdraw the same currency. He went to withdraw US$250 only to be told there wasn't that much in the bank's US Dollar drawer to give him that amount. He said he had deposited that in actual currency the previous month, plus another US$800, as his passbook attested. He was told they didn't keep his money aside just for him and began a condescending little explanation of how banking actually works. The kano interrupted them to tell them he knows he can't expect 'his' US dollar bills back, but surely the main city branch of a major bank had more than US$250 in notes on hand? He was assured they did, in fact the cashier opened her cash drawer and showed him a stack of US greenbacks she had there. Afterall, she reminded him, she was the US Dollar account teller!

So, keeping calm, the kano asked her why couldn't she process his withdrawal and give him US$250 which she obviously had in her drawer. Her reply was that it was too early. Too early? Yes, apparently the manager had told her that she couldn't give out more than US$100 at a time before 3pm in case a customer came in who needed a large amount of US dollar bills and if they had already given out their stash then they wouldn't be able to serve that customer's needs. Stay with me people, this is true, every word.

You can imagine the kano's reaction. He took this very calmly, apologised for being a problem and left without his money. I'm kidding, of course. He went ballistic. Not so much about the failure to get his funds, but the asinine logic of the whole thing. OK, he said, so I can't get my US$250 now, at ten in the morning, despite you having the money in the drawer... just in case, he repeats this qualifier, just in case someone comes in after three this afternoon and needs US dollars? Yes, sir came the reply. Let us just say that he set a new standard in Filipino-American relations that day. He explained to everyone in the bank why, precisely why, the country was not progressing at the same rate as every other country in the region. He extolled at length on exactly why situations like this existed and the affect they were having on commerce in general and his blood pressure in particular. He said it was a terrific day. He got to meet the teller, her supervisor, the bank manager, the security guards, the police, a lot of people in fact. Did he get his US$250? Eventually.

# Traffic, Trikes And Terror

The Philippines is, like many developing countries, jam packed with motorcycles. The reason for this is that motorcycles provide much needed transportation at relatively low cost; at least compared to cars, trucks and buses. They are relatively simple, easy to maintain and repair and yet very versatile. In the Pinas, the motorcycle and sidecar combination is a very clear example of the ingenuity of the Filipino: they come in all kinds of variations and provide a major portion of the transportation infrastructure, especially once out of the cities and in the provinces. But they are evil.

I used to own a motorcycle with side car, called a trike, or tricycle in the vernacular. It was a cargo sidecar designed for carrying our pigs to market. I think we only ever once used it for the pigs. The other times we stuffed two or three in the boot of my Mitsubishi Lancer, 'The Red Terror', and had Mama and Papa sit on the back seat so the little darlings couldn't break out of the boot. Actually, we only did this on purpose after the first trip to see Dong the Pig Buyer. We had two rather miffed porkers trussed up and put in the boot; Mama and Papa hopped in the back and with the asawa beside me, we set off for Dong the Pig Buyer's place in

Daanbantayan. Arriving at the front gate, everyone bailed out to say hello and organise the sale of the two pigs, leaving the kano chauffeur in the car with the now even more miffed piggies. What we didn't know at that time, as this was the inaugural take the pigs to market trip, was that the back seat restraining mechanism didn't... restrain the back seats that is. After a few wriggles and grunts, both piggies broke out of the boot and burst into the back of the car.

This would not have been a major issue had the vehicle been parked, but they chose their moment well as I had just been waved up the driveway by Papa to where Dong the Pig Buyer awaited. Imagine the scene. I am truing to drive up the narrow driveway, concrete hollow-block walls either side making it something of a tunnel. Two very upset 40kg pigs are now doing a Houdini act on the back seat, attempting to free themselves of their bonds and getting the odd cloven hoof free to rip into the upholstery. Mama and Papa, oblivious to the drama unfolding where just moments before they had sat peacefully, were beckoning me to hurry as they wanted to do the deal, take the money and leg it to the market before the best stuff rotted in the sun and the wife was chatting away to Dong the Pig Byer's wife, oblivious to my dire situation.

One pig made it to the front seat and was almost out the window, the other still struggling and now fallen to the floor. It decided to pop smoke to cover it's attack. Actually it defecated. Not nice. I ignored the distraction and focused on the pig that was now front feet out of the passenger window and telling the world it was the porcine version of 'Winston Bloody Churchill and I'm Free'. (http://youtu.be/LxoOiTgFHPI ) You have to have seen the movie 'Young Winston' for this to make any sense and it is really weird the things that pass through your head at times of crisis and high stress. I mean I had seen the movie just once, when I was a kid in the 70s when it came out but it must have really struck a chord with me. Anyway, I managed to stop the car and apply the handbrake, drop her into neutral, grab the pig by the ear and drag it back into the car, call out for help and realise the pig in the back had just crapped all over the inside of my once spotless motor. But I was talking about trikes, right?

Well the 'Aha!' moment that spurred me to have the trike made was this first pig run. I felt, intuitively perhaps, the Red Terror was not the right vehicle for the transportation of stock. I didn't have the cash to buy a ute or even a pick-up version of a multi-cab; so a trike it would have to be. We had the motorcycle already; the Lifan 110cc Super Tourer in aqua greeny-blue with the fake emerald rosary and crucifix wrapped around the clutch handle. This step-through was a Made in China Honda copy we bought for P38,000 in 2002 and it is still going strong today, more or less. The side car was made by the local Dong that makes side cars and cost us around P4000, about $100. It was supplied with just the reddish-brown anti-rust paint job which Papa soon had a gleaming yellow. I couldn't wait to drive it!

The thing was a pig, no pun intended. A real bitch to drive. The handle bars had the unhealthy habit of suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, ripping themselves out of your grip and snapping 90 degrees to the left. This had the effect of the whole combination rocketing off to the opposite side of the road, across the path of any oncoming traffic; all in the blink of an eye and the beat of a heart. It was terrifying! Just keeping it in a straight line required constant correcting input to the handle bars, the foot pegs, the seat where it was gripped by my butt cheeks; it was a total body workout.

I have ridden other trikes and found they all have this latent tendency to end it all for their rider and passengers. Why? I think it is the camber setup, it could be adjusted to have the motorbike running on an angle and thus negating the need to flick itself inside out at any moment. Of course when I discussed this with the sidecar makers they denied all knowledge of there being any problem with how the thing drove. Apparently all trikes are like that and they see no reason to do anything to rectify this. Very typical Filipino thinking, I'm afraid.

So, given there are three trikes to every man, woman and child in the country, or so it often seems, can you imagine the potential for disaster 'frarping' down the streets, spewing blue smoke and stenching the air with the lovely aroma of Co2? What if there is some kind of countdown happening, even as you read this? At a pre-determined moment in time, every single trike in the country will suddenly flick itself off to the left and into the path of whatever traffic is oncoming? They weren't ready for Typhoon Yolanda and they had three days of advance warning for that catastrophe; how will they recover from this?

If you live in the Philippines while you read this, or have been here and can cast your mind's eye back to the chaotic trike filled streets; imagine how it would be if all of a sudden every trike in the country took a sharp left turn. The thing is, the sidecars are licensed to carry 35 sitting, 17 standing but common sense and good judgement means they rarely travel at capacity. Five, ten, maybe fifteen at the most. The driver has his wrists surgically adjusted so they work backwards while he stands on the pegs, leans forward over the headlight and five or six crowd on the seat behind him. He probably mastered this skill as a Habal-Habal, or motorcycle taxi rider. They even sell special Habal-Habal editions of motorcycles with extended rear seats, beefed up rear shocks and custom designed bald tyres. Once he cuts his teeth on the Habal-Habal he can progress to the trike.

My brother-in-law, Dong, is a Habal-Habal rider. He sits at the stand-by post with his barkada and dreams collective dreams of owning a trike all his own, one day. It is not really the life for a married man and father of two, but he is still young. He has many hours to dream of his trike, it seems, as there are many Habal-Habal riders and not that many passengers. These guys have a reputation as lady's men; not always true but the close proximity of the female passenger, squashed against your back and so on, jiggling up and down as the bike negotiates the rough back roads to the places trikes can never fit fuels the myth. So why give up this life for that of a trike driver?

A trike is representative of success, business acumen and longevity in providing a vital link in the public transportation chain; Habal-Habal is merely an entry point for wanna-be's, too often where they end their careers, also. A trike charges more, carries more and needs more time to be washed, worshipped and wondered about. Make no mistake, the trike driver has his share of the lady killer reputation that makes these guys so alluring, so attractive as lovers and providers of support for Filipinas keen to raise a family. But he also has substance. He has his trike. He can take the entire family, including her mother, wherever they want to go on his days off. He has means, motive and method!

So, back to the pending 'End of Days' for Trikes scenario. Apparently there are carvings on the sides of Mayan pyramids that forecast this day. I haven't seen them personally but I have this on very good authority. One day, maybe not today, probably not tomorrow and quite possibly not until after the next election but one day, for sure, every trike in the country will suddenly, without any warning whatsoever, snap its handle bars to the left and rocket across the road, passengers screaming in absolute terror, any livestock trussed and bound aboard squealing with delight as they will now end their lives at the same time as those who would eat a fellow passenger. The carnage will be comprehensive and it will not just include those riding in, on and attached to the trikes at the time. Pedestrians, people hanging out of bus doorways, off the back of jeepneys and those previously thought safe people sitting on white plastic patio chairs in the back of pick-ups... they will all die. In fact, the only ones to survive will be the trike drivers themselves who, through a strange quirk of quantum physics and human kinesiology (look it up), will be thrown clear.

So, next time you are in the Philippines, or if you live there, the next time you venture out of your home... take a good look at the traffic. Count the trikes. Imagine the carnage were it to happen right then and there. Trust me, this knowledge is a burden because you will never be able to ride a trike, or walk, ride or drive past one again without wondering.... Is this the moment?

# And In Closing

So, there you have it. The big message I hope to get across is that you will be the fish out of water, the one who has to adjust if you move to the Philippines or even just vacation there. It will be the same for your new ride if you whisk her back to Oz right after the wedding.

If you think things in the Pinas are different, imagine what it will be like for her. More so because she will be away from her family, perhaps for the first time in her life. My bet advice is to always have her best interests in mind. When the going gets tough, pause and remember the moment you knew she was the one. Remember how you felt when you fell in love, then take a deep breath and try again. Enjoy.

© 2014 Down Under Visa Co

Australian Migration Law specialist consultants and Registered Migration Agents

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*Please send ALL correspondence to the PHILIPPINES office address

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Disclaimer: The information provided in this document is for information purposes only to provide the reader with background and an understanding of Travel safety in the Philippines and is not to be considered either legal advice or legally binding on any party. The author, publisher and agents take no responsibility for any events or consequences arising from the reading of this work. While all effort is taken to ensure accuracy and timeliness, laws and judgments change and it is the responsibility of the individual to obtain accurate, professional advice.

Published in 2014 by Streetwise Global Publications

Sydney, Australia. County Donegal, Ireland

Written by Perry Gamsby, D.Lit., MA (Writing), Dip. Business, Dip. Marketing

© 2014 Perry Gamsby for Down Under Visa

All rights reserved. No part of this document may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without prior written permission of the copyright holder and the publisher, application for which shall be made to the publisher.

