

### The Reader & The Writer

### By Sasha McCallum

Copyright © 2017 Sasha McCallum

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Licence Notes

Thank you for downloading this ebook. This book remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be redistributed to others for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy from their favourite authorized retailer. Thank you for your support.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

About the Author

Other titles by Sasha McCallum

Connect with Sasha McCallum

Sample of There Will Be Blood
Chapter 1

The library was old. Although many new additions and renovations had been made over the years, there were still parts of it Heidi could go into and feel like she was a child again, getting lost amongst the shelves while her mother worried and searched for her.

When she was here, she considered herself to be officially at work, so it was acceptable for her to switch her phone and herself off from the outside world. If people complained that they couldn't get hold of her, it was her go-to excuse - _I was working, I was trying to concentrate_. The people who knew her quickly learned this fact, when it came to working on a project her self-discipline was exemplary. Of course, deep down she knew it had developed that way because she needed a good reason to cut out the insistent buzz of irritating interruptions. Getting something useful done had come about gradually as little more than a positive side-effect and she still spent much of her time simply reading and learning about things that would not end up contributing to her current body of work. She liked the relaxed attitude with which she could do this, the favourable circumstances that had allowed her to become the person she was; she was lucky, she knew.

She had been frequenting the library most afternoons from Wednesday through Sunday for over six months and enjoyed her routine. It was free, easy, but she could still wake up in the morning happy in the knowledge that she'd done something useful the day before, produced something.

This particular day, a Saturday, she'd been concentrating for an hour in relative solitude when a discombobulated body sat down at the table to her right. She continued working, not looking at the person, noting only, with relief, that, whoever it was, they weren't noisy or intrusive. In fact, they were being so silent that after 45 minutes Heidi began to wonder if the dark blob in her peripheral vision might be a hallucination. She found the possibility intriguing and continued her work.

Today she wasn't doing much writing. She had a few points she needed to research and was reading online about death in absentia, noting things down, occasionally veering off from the primary subject as she did when she found a topic especially new and interesting. Eventually her curiosity got the better of her, she glanced to her right then quickly returned her gaze to her computer but certainly not her attention.

It was a girl, maybe 20 years old, dark hair, pale skin and hauntingly beautiful. Why hauntingly? Heidi wondered to herself. Perhaps just the circumstances; ignoring her silent presence long enough to envision her as a possible hallucination. She needed to look at her again, to prove herself wrong; this was no ghost and this very real person was not hauntingly beautiful, nor probably even very interesting looking.

Feeling as if she were being glaringly conspicuous, Heidi looked again at the figure to her right. She was real, yes; Heidi's eyes remained on her longer this time. Her long, almost black hair was loose and falling partially over her face, her nose in a book, her concentration clearly unwavering. Her face, what little of it Heidi could see was, yes, quite stunning. Her features were soft, her cheekbones high, her nose perfectly shaped for her face. She was thin, perhaps too thin under her heavy coat and layers of winter clothes and the book she was reading was thick. Heidi could not see her eyes properly, or what book had this fascinating creature so enraptured. Heidi had never seen her before; her face was completely unknown to her, and she would probably never see her again.

She tried to immerse herself back in her work but the girl had invaded her mind, pervaded her senses and she was finding it difficult to concentrate. Eventually she gave up, packed her things into her bag and left without looking at the girl again.

The following Saturday the same enchanting girl was back though, reading the same enormous volume. Heidi sat looking away from her. Her resolve not to indulge in these strange flights of fancy she took to sometimes was normally well-trained; habitually she moved on from them and didn't look back. They were nothing more than fleeting fantasies, immature and not worth wasting her time or energy on. Once, when she was a still a child, she had allowed herself to be sucked in by feelings like those, but she was not a child anymore, she knew better.

She worked drearily on her article. It was an interesting subject, but she was at that early stage of writing when it had yet to entirely capture her attention, it hadn't become a part of her yet. At 4pm she got up to use the restroom and go outside for a brief sojourn into the world of nicotine, an old vice she wasn't even trying to kick. On her way back to her table, which was thankfully still unoccupied, she very nearly physically brushed the girl who had captured her interest the week before, but whose presence she had somehow forgotten about this week. The girl looked up from her book, a rare, momentary lapse of concentration on her part, Heidi guessed. She sat back down at an angle where the girl was in view this time, her curiosity overpowering.

For the next three weekends the girl was there every Saturday and Sunday giving Heidi a worrisome chance to become both accustomed to her presence and very interested to know who she was. She was so dangerously lovely that Heidi had begun to look forward to seeing her at the weekend. This was wrong, she knew. She shouldn't be allowing it, she should avoid the girl, at least by sitting in a different section of the library. On the other hand, her self-indulgent side told her, what harm could it do? It was a pleasure to see her, to be near her, and it wasn't as if she were interacting with the girl in any way, in fact they had barely acknowledged each other's presence. As if to prove her wrong the universe chose to intervene at that point, while she was sitting, only half concentrating on her screen.

"You have the most interesting way of looking both five and a hundred years old. You have to be one of the most expressive people I've ever seen."

Heidi stared, mouth open in surprise. The girl stood over her and looked at Heidi with curiosity and perhaps a hint of derision. Her irises were grey and dark, but still distinguishable from the black rings that circled them. Heidi was too surprised by her comment to respond before she swept away and disappeared out of the study section of the ancient library.

What the hell had just happened? Surely she had imagined that, the girl had spoken to her, and what a strange thing to say. Heidi nodded to herself, it made sense that even when the girl spoke directly it would end up being cryptic. Still, Heidi felt slightly warm, the girl had made contact, however questionable her meaning had been.

The next day Heidi felt disappointment that she did not appear. This was the kind of sensation her conservative side had been trying to guard against with the original resolve to avoid the girl. It was conceivable she would not be back now and indeed she didn't appear at all the weekend after that, leaving Heidi with an inexplicable sense of loss.

Two weekends later, she resurfaced and this time she had something that made Heidi's skin crawl. She sat a table away and, once again, oblivious to her surroundings opened her book. Heidi had a fairly clear view of her right-side profile and could see the outline of a fading bruise high up on her cheekbone, only just visible under a layer of foundation. Someone else may not have noticed it but Heidi was well-trained to see things like this, having had to cover up her own bruises in the past. She felt an entirely new sense of protectiveness about this strange girl, which overrode any previous caution. But there was nothing she could do, nothing she could say without seeming creepy. So she simply went about her quiet day content in the knowledge that at least here and now, she could oversee the girl's relative safety.

For two hours they sat, a mere ten feet from each other, with no one else near them. Heidi tapped at her computer and the girl read, barely making a sound. Eventually Heidi stole one of her casual glances at the girls face and was astonished to see tears streaking her pale cheeks. She made no sound and her expression was unreadable to Heidi who could not see her hooded eyes properly from this angle. Before she could stop herself she spoke, unchecked.

"You're crying," she said, as if the girl didn't know. "What book _is_ that?" She willed herself to shut up. However deeply involved in the book she had been, the girl now looked up, realizing she'd been spoken to.

"I'm not here to chat," she said to Heidi mechanically, wiping at her face.

Heidi nodded and kept her mouth shut this time. She did not look at the girl again, but wondered to herself what kind of book does that to what kind of person. Was the girl overly sensitive? Overly passionate? Possibly unstable? A half hour after this inconsequential exchange she heard the girl get up, gather her things and leave, and once again Heidi got the feeling she was gone for good.

The next day was Sunday and Heidi sat alone for three hours working on her latest article. She was not happy with it, she had written and rewritten it several times already. For some reason it just wasn't coming together in any kind of flowing coherency.

"Hi." Heidi looked up to find the girl standing over her once again, a tentative expression on her lovely face.

"Hello," Heidi returned, her heart beginning to hammer in her chest. What was it about this girl that did this to her?

"Listen, I..." the girl looked lost for a moment then continued, "I might have seemed rude yesterday when you spoke to me. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings."

Heidi watched as the girl sat down directly across from her at the same table and this new, close up, direct view of her beautiful face almost took Heidi's breath away.

"It's okay. It's a library, I shouldn't have been trying to talk," she said.

"I've seen you here quite a lot, you're the expressive one," the girl told her. "I get used to being in people's company in silence and it throws me if they cross the quiet boundary. I was also embarrassed that you noticed the tears, but that doesn't excuse my rudeness."

She stared at Heidi with her huge, dark eyes and Heidi nodded, quite unable to speak. It was so nice to hear the girl talk, she didn't want her to stop. But she opened her book on the table in front of her, seemingly done for the day. She visibly exited the world, but she had chosen to do it at the same table. Heidi couldn't suppress her pleasure at this simple gesture and got on with her work equally quietly. The sense of the girl's presence so close was overwhelming and her writing for the day reflected a certain lack of concentration.

At some point a couple of hours later she zoned out of her work completely and though she wasn't aware she'd been doing it or for how long, she realized she was staring at the girl opposite her when she lifted her eyes from her book and met Heidi's. She felt herself blush slightly and with a frown hurriedly looked back to her computer screen which had gone to sleep. Heidi dropped her jaw in shock; how long had she been staring? She was furious with herself and looked back up to the girl who was smirking, obviously amused by Heidi's discomfort.

"You smoke, don't you?" the girl asked. "Want to come out with me?"

Heidi was surprised but shrugged in agreement and gathered her things. They stood side by side against the car park fence and puffed into the cool air in silence for a while.

"You're having trouble concentrating today," the girl said. "I wonder why today, I've never seen you zone like that before. Don't worry, I know you weren't staring at me, your eyes were all glazed over; you weren't even focused. Where do you go when you do that?"

Heidi was both relieved she hadn't been caught obsessing and surprised the girl was so astute.

"I don't think I really go anywhere. It's a mystery," she said, truly puzzled, and the girl nodded slowly as if she understood only too well what Heidi meant.

"I've been there too. Kind of a strange place, hard to remember." The girl studied her from her right side and Heidi tried hard not to take notice. "What are you constantly tapping away at day after day? Are you writing a book?"

"No," Heidi chuckled self-consciously. "I'm a stringer."

"A what?"

"Kind of a freelance journalist, I guess. Right now I'm working on a political corruption piece, the elections are coming up. What's with the books you're always buried in so deeply?"

"They're not political, that's for sure."

"I noticed. Dante's _Inferno_? Pretty heavy going."

"You've been paying attention."

"I only saw the title today. Are you studying Literature or something?"

"In a way," she looked off into the distance. "Reading that stuff gives me a sense of what we're capable of as humans, but it also puts firmly into perspective and makes me appreciate where we're at now in our evolution, both psychologically and culturally. I sometimes find myself being miserable about modern society when I shouldn't be." She said this in a low, slow drawl which served to impress Heidi even more than it might have.

"Wow. You're some kind of introverted intellectual."

"What's your name?" the girl asked.

"Heidi."

"I'm Alicia."

Heidi tried to burn the name into her head. She was one of those people who had difficulty remembering names but she doubted she'd forget this one. She made a mental note to write it down, just in case.

"May I ask you a personal question?" she asked, hoping to get answers about the girls bruise.

"I'd rather you didn't," Alicia replied smoothly.

"Oh..." Heidi nodded. "Fair enough."

They finished their cigarettes and headed back to their places inside without further conversation, but Heidi found Alicia's silence pleasant enough and when she left for the day she was gifted with quite a lovely smile goodbye from her.

Six days later, a Saturday, the girl was there when she arrived. Heidi was surprised, she was early today; it was only ten in the morning. She settled at a table not far away, she had a lot she wanted to get through today and she was relieved when the girl didn't notice her entrance. With luck her work would not suffer. She was beginning to enjoy the article, she'd got inside it and it inside her; this was where things started to pay off.

She was right, the day went smoothly and she was taking pleasure in what she was writing. It had been quiet, uneventful but later that afternoon a local man she recognized, a drunk, wandered over to Alicia and sat down. She checked her clock, it was almost 3pm. Heidi watched as the man told Alicia hello and how are you and then offered her a drink. The girl appeared unaffected and maintaining concentration on her book told the man outright to 'bugger off' and he shuffled away. Heidi could not suppress a giggle at the comic relief and when Alicia met her eyes over the top of her book she found an equal amusement in them.

"You've got an admirer. Score," Heidi said.

"Mm, so hot. I slipped my number into his hand as he groped me under the table. Later we'll make babies under the park bench he lives on."

"Cute couple."

"How come none of the weirdo's ever bother you?" the girl asked her.

"I'm just not as irresistible as you."

"Yeah, right," Alicia scoffed and Heidi looked at her curiously. She felt an electrical current run from her chest to her groin and quickly returned her attention to her computer.

"Come to Faze with me," she heard the girl say.

"What?"

"I've been here since eight this morning and you've been here most of that time too. Aren't you hungry?"

"I ...just. I..." Heidi locked in on dumb mode, she was way too surprised and still a little turned on. But she couldn't go with the girl, it was out of the question. "Thank you for asking, but no."

"Okay." The girl looked thoroughly pissed off at the outright rejection and she rose and collected her things. "I'll see you," she said shortly as she left.

Now that was interesting, Heidi thought, the girl has a temper. Perhaps she should have gone with her, she mused, but she had her reasons for declining the offer. Heidi was extremely particular about what she ate and how she ate and it was too early in their interaction for her to feel comfortable putting her OCD on shameless display. Normally it didn't impinge on her life much but today was a stark reminder that she was not 100% open for new friendships; it had been a wake-up call, a healthy slap in the face. She cursed her problem for the first time in a while. The poor girl, she'd been insulted, she thought she just hadn't wanted to eat with her and that idea made Heidi want to curl up into a ball and disappear.

Early the next afternoon she noticed Alicia sitting several tables away. Heidi wondered whether she should approach her or not. This kind of loose contact with someone she felt more and more bewitched by was way outside of her comfort zone. She could deal with it one of two ways; she could try to get to know the girl better, open herself up, or she could stay away from her. But somewhere inside she'd already realized it wasn't a choice she was free to make. A mess of questions buzzed in her head and even now that a dialogue had begun between them the mystery was intensifying. She wanted to know more about this girl, she didn't want to ignore her.

At four o'clock she went to Alicia's table and sat down looking at her.

"Alicia," she said. Alicia ignored her wilfully and Heidi found the situation almost comical after a while. Bemused she tried again with the sulky reader. "You're angry." Silence. "Why is it that you think I didn't want to eat with you?"

"I neither know nor care," the girl finally replied without looking up. "Leave me be, please."

Heidi shook her head and did as she was told, returning to her own table. She was trying to shrug off the girls moody treatment when Alicia picked up her book and came to sit next to Heidi, looking as if she was about to tear into her. She sat close, her eyes blazing and Heidi stared back, waiting, with a frown.

"Why do you always sit near me?" Alicia asked, her voice maintaining more control than her expression suggested.

"You sit near me too," Heidi said, searching for a way to make up for any sense of rejection she had given the girl. But Alicia looked pensive at her reply, then her face changed completely, her anger lifted and was replaced by calm as if a switch had been flicked. Heidi was very confused.

"I feel safe near you. I feel like you're the same as me."

"The same? But we are nothing alike."

"You're young and pretty, you probably get hit on by gross guys a lot too. In what way are we dissimilar and why does it offend you to think we might not be?"

"Oh. Nothing. I thought you meant..."

"What?" Alicia looked at her with that inscrutable expression she adopted sometimes. "What did you think I meant?"

Heidi looked at her screen and kept her mouth shut. She couldn't remember what she'd meant, the girl was interfering with her brain waves.

"Alright. Your turn then, why do you always sit near me?"

"Despite your serious attitude problem, I kind of like you," Heidi said honestly and the girl narrowed her eyes in suspicion.

"How much do you like me? Maybe I'm not so safe with you after all."

"Don't be dumb," Heidi said and felt herself blush at the implication.

"Aw, you're cute when you're embarrassed."

"This is getting too weird. I'll find somewhere else to work from now on." Flustered, she got up to move but Alicia put a pale hand out and grasped her arm unexpectedly. It was the first time the girl had ever physically touched her and even though it was fairly gentle and through several layers of fabric, Heidi flinched. And not slightly but very visibly.

"Whoa," Alicia said, taken aback by Heidi's response and she withdrew her hand quickly. "What was that?"

"Shit. Shit," Heidi said clumsily. Mortified by the situation she was suddenly faced with, she reacted impulsively with anger. "I guess I don't like strangers touching me in libraries, non-threatening or not," she shot at Alicia, whose expression had completely blanked over. She needed to get out now; she finished shoving her belongings into her bag and walked away.

Her terrible reaction left her feeling cold inside for the next week and her flat was starting to look chaffed from all the cleaning she was doing. She would make it right, she determined. Even if Alicia never wanted to speak to her again, she had to try. She was letting herself get flustered too easily by the girl, who appeared to be somewhat unstable herself and possibly enjoyed throwing other people off balance. This annoyed the hell out of Heidi and while on the one hand she wanted to overcome it, on the other she found it quite an alluring quality.

When she got out of her car on Saturday morning she saw the object of her discontent immediately. Alicia was smoking a cigarette against the fence and three roughly dressed girls were in front of her. She looked harassed and angry but Heidi recognized these girls, they weren't the types to react well to a smart-arse like Alicia. She approached them cautiously. When she saw Heidi, Alicia rolled her eyes.

"Christ, when it rains it pours," she muttered under her breath. Heidi couldn't blame her; and for a moment there last weekend she'd actually thought Alicia was the one with the attitude problem. Heidi was desperate to regain control of the circumstances and this was the perfect opportunity.

"What's happening?" she said to the girls surrounding Alicia.

"We're just trying to be friendly. You know this one?" they sneered.

"I do. She's okay, you should leave her. Seriously, don't you have better things to do?"

"She's all yours," they mumbled and they ambled slowly away. "Teach her some fucking manners."

"Whatever. Say hi to your Dad for me!" Heidi called after them.

"Why would _they_ listen to _you_?" Alicia asked, looking surprised and confused. Heidi stared at her.

"You're really not from around here, are you?"

"You know I'm not."

Heidi smiled, she looked ravishing today, in a long dress underneath her heavy, winter coat. Heidi lit a cigarette and leaned next to her against the fence.

"I'm really sorry about what happened last weekend," she said with sincerity. "I didn't mean to be insulting. It's nothing personal, I just find physical contact a little disconcerting sometimes, especially when it's unexpected." She felt the girl regarding her closely. Studying her.

"Someone hurt you," Alicia stated with certainty and Heidi cringed.

"Happens to all of us at some point," she said in a pathetic attempt to remove focus from herself.

"I don't know about that," Alicia said doubtfully.

"Are you coming in today?" Heidi asked and the girl nodded and picked up her bag.

"I thought you didn't want to sit near me anymore?"

"I thought you didn't feel safe with me anymore?"

"Ha," she snorted, "after what you just did, how could I not? Chasing the big, bad girls away. What was up with that anyway?"

"Those girls... You should be more careful who you mouth off to. People don't know you yet, it's easier when you've lived here all your life."

"And I suppose in your what, 22 long years you've managed to attain so much respect."

"24. You're being sarcastic but you might be surprised."

"I guess I _was_ surprised. You're hardly tough looking."

"I know people and I have a brain -that can go a long way."

They made their way into their usual study section of the library and sat quietly at a table overlooking the east gardens. Alicia pulled out her enormous volume of Dante's _Purgatorio_ and Heidi began her third rewrite of 'Unlikely Political Alliance in the Port Region'.

"Who hurt you?" Alicia whispered to her after only a few minutes. She pulled her chair closer and stared at Heidi intently. "I can't stop thinking about it, I can't concentrate. I suppose it's not something you like talking about but..." Heidi considered carefully what to do. Alicia had had a bruise of her own a couple of weeks ago and Heidi had tried to bring it up then, perhaps now would be a good time. Alicia may be in need of someone who could identify with what she was going through and Heidi could use the opportunity to gather information about Alicia's problems. She hated to think that way, to see it as an opportunity to manipulate things to her own advantage but she was a human being after all; sentient and suitably screwed up in the head as such. On the other hand, did she really want to share her experience with this strange study buddy? Maybe she did, maybe she needed to talk just as much as Alicia did.

"We can't talk about it now. Not here," she said.

"We can go upstairs." There was a cafe in the upper most level in the library. "Please?"

Heidi could not say no this time. The look in Alicia's eyes was very persuasive.

"Okay," she nodded reluctantly. "Grab your stuff."

They took the elevator up to the top level and sat down at a table in the almost empty cafe without ordering anything.

"I'll talk about it, but only in return for something from you," Heidi said, eyebrows raised in question at Alicia.

"Sounds ominous. What could you possibly want? It's not dirty, is it?"

Heidi ignored the comment and ran a finger down her cheekbone while Alicia watched.

"The bruise you had the other week. What happened?"

"You saw that, huh. Guess it figures." Alicia looked down at her hands.

"Boyfriend?"

"Fuck, no," Alicia snorted. "I'm not that stupid." Heidi waited for her to go on, almost lost in the dark, liquid grey of her irises as they tried to avoid her own. "I live with my father. He has cancer, I need to be there for him; he'll die soon."

"He hits you?"

"Only once, he's been drinking a lot lately, he's lost the plot. I can see you're concerned but it really isn't something to worry about. I know how to handle it and he won't be around much longer. It sounds insensitive but it's true."

"May I?" Heidi pointed to Alicia's phone sitting on the table in front of them and Alicia shrugged.

"I'm putting my number in here. I believe you when you say you can handle it but I'm sure you know how unpredictable alcoholics can be. I suppose you have other support but please call me if you ever need somewhere to escape to. I live in the centre of town and I want to help."

Alicia took her phone back and looked from the screen to Heidi curiously. "Okay. Your turn. Who hurt you?"

"I had a stalker a few years back. Really messed up in the head, he used to show up everywhere. It got worse and worse and he ended up attacking me twice outside my flat. Viciously too, I was in hospital for two weeks after the second time."

"Shit. Did he... Were you raped?"

"He never managed to get that far, the details are unimportant." Heidi felt Alicia's eyes on her but she wasn't willing to elaborate.

"Why the fuck didn't the cops get him the first time?" Alicia was angry.

"They did. But there's a limit to what the police can do and he came back. After the second time some of the locals heard about it, bad guys -gang members who lived nearby and who don't stand for that kind of violence. It's strange how protective these guys can be of a familiar face. They were really pissed and he got the shit kicked out of him and was driven out of the area. He'll never come back now, he's in permanent danger here."

"Bad ass," Alicia nodded appreciatively.

"It was a more effective solution than the police. In this country..." Heidi shook her head in disappointment. "Anyway, it's why I feel safe in this town, no matter how much of a shit-hole it seems to be sometimes. People looked after me here when I needed them, and they didn't ask for anything in return. So, I'm here for you if you ever need me, okay?"

"Thank you." Alicia appeared seriously grateful. "I get why physical contact freaks you out, but are you alright?"

"Oh yeah, all that went down over three years ago, I'm fine, really." She gave Alicia a reassuring smile. "I didn't have you pegged for an empath."

"I'm not. Guess you pierced my defences, not many people can do that. I can't believe how right I was to feel safe with you."

"The irony. While we're here we might as well have a coffee, yes?" After what she'd just told her, Heidi felt considerably more comfortable in her new affiliation with the girl.

"Yeah. I'll get it. What do you like?"

"Triple shot caramel latte," she went to hand Alicia a ten dollar bill but she waved it away and Heidi made a mental note she owed Alicia a coffee.

She felt the girl watching her as she went through her routine of stirring and removing the foam from the top of her mug.

"I'm a little OCD," she said casually by way of explanation. "It's why I didn't want to go to Faze with you. I find it embarrassing."

"Interesting. It's not that bad," Alicia nodded. "They say I have borderline personality disorder."

"Why does that not surprise me?" Heidi chuckled. "Look at us, bonding over mental illnesses."

"Mm, how very 21st century."

"They throw the BPD label around a lot these days. Are you being treated?"

"Yes. Behavioural therapy, low doses of antipsychotics. I'm a lot better than I used to be. I'm careful to get a certain amount of exercise every day but aside from that I'm happy as long as I've got a book in front of me."

"Pretty unusual for someone your age, to be so into books."

"Dad's fault. He's an academic, a professor in Sociology. He reads constantly ...well, he used to anyway. He instilled a love of books in me literally from birth. The way they smell, the feel of paper, the sound of a turning page, the view into another person's mind. It comforts me."

"How's it coming with the Divine Comedy?"

"Ha! Dante -the Quentin Tarantino of the middle ages. It's all so pointless and gratuitous. I kind of love it."

"Do you find yourself feeling guilty of any of the sins as you read it?"

"Every single one," Alicia said and frowned at her. "Don't tell me you've read it too?"

"Me? No way. Like a lot of Catholics I've read _about_ it. I suppose very few people would be willing or even able to read it cover to cover like you are unless they were using it as a subject for formal research."

"The version I'm working on is fully annotated but I still find myself needing to look up a lot of the references. Without Google I'd be lost. You're a Catholic?"

"Only by birth, I'm not a believer. So, you feel guilty of _every_ sin?" Heidi laughed.

"Of course. Reading _Inferno_ makes you take a long, very critical look at your own moral history and make-up. Like I said, I read this stuff partially to refresh my appreciation for where we're at here and now. After a few hours in Hell it's a relief to return to this plane."

"What sick, twisted soul do you think came up with the concept of Hell in the first place?"

"An interesting question and not one I've looked into. What concerns me more is that the idea has persisted for so long, that we as a species perpetuate and recreate it in detail over and over again. I can't claim immunity to fascination with the subject and the images associated with it, but it demonstrates our innate morbidity as humans. It's easier and more interesting to think about literally, but it shouldn't be meant that way. True Hell can only be experienced through a person's own guilty conscience. If it's meant literally then it's divine vengeance which removes the possibility of it all being superhuman."

"You weren't raised in the Church, were you?" Alicia shook her head. "If you had been you'd know quite well how incapable we are of removing human characteristics completely from our supposedly omnipotent creator. Perhaps it _shouldn't_ be viewed that way, but divine retribution is a very real concept for most Christians. Odd how that happened," Heidi pondered. "If this God isn't human then why do we refer to him as occupying a specific gender? You probably shouldn't get too wrapped up in literature like Dante without looking into the simple, day to day hypocrisy of religion as well. But I see your point, it can be an appealing topic."

Alicia was looking at her very strangely.

"Trust me, I do understand the hypocrisy of religion. For me, Dante is about the flawed nature of humanity because of what the allegorical representations in the content of his writing say about his core beliefs and how they reflect the culture around him. Eternal damnation, the sins, the nine circles, the 24 vestibules; if a person genuinely wanted to avoid all those things during life they'd quickly find themselves unable to do or say anything at all. To overcome the paralysis of indecision one would have to be both a saint and extraordinarily stupid."

"Are you sure about that? Perhaps you're just a very wicked person."

"What person is not wicked? That's what I'm saying. In this world we live in 'wicked' and 'person' go hand in hand. Maybe you're right; if I wanted to go live in a Buddhist monastery I might be able to adhere to all these 'rules' but those people are barely part of our vocabulary -to people like us, people like that aren't normal. I mean, I'm sorry, but _this_ is the world I live in and this is who _I_ have to be to survive in it."

"I feel you. I do," Heidi said, surprised by how passionately Alicia spoke. "Strangely enough, Buddhism is the only mainstream religion that resolutely denies the concept of divine retribution."

"Smartass... So they follow the rules for more pure reasons than fear."

"True," Heidi nodded with a whimsical smile. "What exactly is it that you're studying?"

"Officially? Nothing," Alicia admitted. "I'm more of an autodidact."

"What are you 20? 21? Do you work?"

"22. I work at Green Haven as a caregiver."

"Not exactly achieving your full potential, given the brain you have."

"To an extent we have to sell our time, don't we? It doesn't mean we have to sell our complete focus and energy. Personally, I'd rather keep something of myself to myself. And I know you know what I'm talking about. Look at the way you work -freelance." Alicia regarded her, nodding. "Yeah, you totally get it. You're doing the same thing I am, just in a completely different way."

"I'm losing you."

"I keep my brain focused on personal, private pursuits and interests while following menial orders at certain times for money. You obviously focus your brain on producing something for the external world to feed on, but you do it in your own time and completely without others' influence."

"That isn't entirely true. When I write I always have it in the back of my mind exactly how far I can push a point or idea based on what I know about how people will receive it."

"It's still you. You're not being instructed on what to write from some asshole boss."

"Mm, you have an interesting way of looking at things. And you're right."

"Of course I'm right." She stared defiantly at Heidi. "People think that I'm stupid because I'm pretty or because I'm not doing something more important with myself." She shook her head. "And then they wonder why I avoid them."

"You don't avoid me." Heidi felt a bit ashamed of how badly she herself had underestimated Alicia's intelligence.

"I've said it before; you and I, we're the same. Whether you see it or not."

"I find it amusing that you don't like people judging you by your appearance yet you seem quite secure about judging me by mine. We barely know each other but you insist we're the same."

"A little early in our rapport to call me prejudice _and_ a hypocrite in the same sentence, isn't it?"

"Only making a point," Heidi chuckled.

"Maybe I'm psychic..." Alicia looked smug.

"Ah, now _that_ would be scary."

"Ha! Why? What fucked up shit's going on in your head?"

"Oh man," Heidi rolled her eyes, smiling. "You really are impossible. Sharp as a knife, but impossible. Maybe you should start freelancing as well. Use some of that wit and insight to affect the world in your own way."

"See, I know that's what we're here for -to affect the world in some way, but I can't bring myself to want to."

"Why not?"

"Part of me thinks the world is shit and doesn't deserve my attention. Part of me thinks that I'm shit and anything I could bring to the world would just make it worse. And a part of me I don't acknowledge often, might just be waiting for the perfect moment to have the greatest, most worthwhile impact."

"Jesus, Alicia. You are one intense fucking person, you know?"

"Yeah, sorry, I can't really help it."

"Don't be sorry, it's awesome. If you ever do decide to do something with your brain you'll probably make a big impression with that attitude. The world's crawling with autopilot-engaged ants, you're a breath of fresh air. Even if you stay in the background, it's extremely good to know there are people like you around."

"Ditto, I think," Alicia frowned at her. "I wasn't expecting to come up here and have someone actually understand me talking about Dante. Especially not you. I suppose you're right, I'm just as guilty of prejudice as everyone else. You are a bit of an enigma."

"The first thing you ever said to me was that my expressions made me look both five and a hundred years old. It was a very strange thing to say, I thought."

"That's right, I remember. You do look like that. You're like watching a TV, but in a foreign language; I still can't seem to quite figure you out."

"We're even then because I really can't figure you out either. Do you think it's even possible for a person to know someone other than themselves?"

"I think it's unlikely most of us ever know ourselves let alone someone else."

"What a terrible waste of time everything seems to be," Heidi pondered.

"Mm."

That night she thought about the girl. Alicia. She had never met anyone quite like her. Heidi was besotted and powerless to stop it. No, that wasn't true, she could stop it, but the part of her that didn't want to was strong and too deprived. It had been neglected for too long and even though her sensible side foresaw rejection and pain, she wanted to see more of the girl, to hear her voice more. Her voice was almost as striking as her face was. She wouldn't act on her attraction, but she wouldn't try to discourage it either. She felt like a rock and the girl waves crashing over her. She smiled at the romanticism of the notion and tried to shut her brain off; she was embarrassing herself.

Chapter 2

She didn't see Alicia for two weekends after that and she was a bit worried. What if she never saw her again? She tried to comfort herself that at least she'd had the incentive to give the girl her phone number when she had the chance so if something bad happened she hoped Alicia would feel comfortable enough to contact her.

The Friday night before the third weekend she left the library and made her way to her car, her research from the day fresh inside her head. A dark figure was slouched against the wall not far from where her car was parked and she immediately recognized it as Alicia, though with her hood pulled up and in the quickly fading twilight she was difficult to discern. Heidi hesitated at first, Alicia wasn't the type who liked intrusions to her privacy. Eventually she made her way over to the girl and stood in front of her, observing. Alicia stared back unwaveringly, her beautiful face was streaked with tears; the second time Heidi had witnessed such a thing, but she knew instinctively this time was different.

"It's going to rain, you probably shouldn't hang out here for too long," Heidi began, struggling to formulate an approach she thought the girl might respond to. "It's past eight, the library's closed. Do you want to get something to eat? I won't ask you to talk."

Heidi was shocked to see the girls face crumple into tears again. She felt quite useless, unable to move towards her for fear of reprisal and unwilling to leave. She stood awkwardly, waiting.

"Why are you always so nice to me? I've done nothing to deserve it."

"I _haven't_ always been nice. And you've done nothing not to deserve it."

"I've been waiting for you actually," Alicia said, wiping her eyes and fully surprising Heidi with her sudden openness. "I don't know why, I just ...maybe I need your company. It's stupid, why should I need your company? I hardly know you."

Heidi went and sat on the fence next to her, nudged her with her elbow.

"What are you doing now?"

"Coming with you?"

Heidi smiled and motioned towards her car and she drove them to a Pizzeria. In her mind, if Alicia was willing to make herself vulnerable enough to cry like that in front of Heidi then Heidi didn't have a problem with her bearing witness to the full force of her odd eating habits. The weird truth of it was that, despite her paranoia, people rarely took much notice of her routines unless she described them beforehand.

The restaurant was warm and Heidi noted with pleasure that the girls tears had cleared.

"You're not a vegetarian are you?" she asked, as they ordered.

"No. I mean, I get why people do it and I've thought about it. I see the supermarket adverts on TV showing those abnormally round shaped chickens. Chickens like that probably lived in tiny boxes without being able to move, force fed. Half of me wants to cry for the life they lived and half of me wants to just take a huge bite out of them. It's fucked up but I'm not going to torture myself any more than necessary over it. If I buy a chicken I make sure it's free range, but I read an article saying that you can't trust those labels, they're not legally enforced."

She was talkative -that was good, Heidi thought to herself and chuckled at her rhetoric.

"I can't see you staying healthy for very long without meat. You look anaemic enough as it is."

"Thank you for this," Alicia looked at her with her big, charcoal eyes. "You didn't have plans for tonight?"

Heidi shook her head.

"Not really. Are you feeling a bit better now?"

"My Dad's back in hospital. I should be there, but he's not even conscious."

"Sounds serious."

"Yes. His cancer spread to his intestines and kidneys back in August. Stage IV, we knew it wouldn't be long after that."

"Sorry. Cancer took my Mum too."

"No shit," Alicia looked at her with surprise. "When? Was it hard?"

"I was 17, it was a nightmare."

"It hasn't always been easy with my Dad but we have a bond. He's all I've really got."

Heidi nodded, she wanted to know more but didn't want to press Alicia to talk about things that were difficult for her. After hearing about her borderline personality diagnosis she'd refreshed her knowledge with some reading and although it may be oversimplifying things Heidi figured at least part of her problem lay in her unstable relationship with her father. She supposed Alicia knew this to a certain degree as well, she wasn't the type to ignore the obvious.

"I met someone at the hospital today before I left," Alicia said, studying Heidi with curiosity and Heidi looked back questioningly. "A guy came up to me while I was having a smoke outside. At first I thought he was just going to hit on me or something but he was actually alright."

"Romance in the air?"

"No. Nothing like that. He said he'd seen me at the library and he knew you."

"Oh? Who was this strange man?"

"He said his name was Geo, he said you and he used to live in the same building."

"Geo G., yeah, I know him. Wearing red, right? He's an affiliate," Heidi said, a little concerned now.

"He wasn't bothering me or anything" Alicia assured her hastily. "He left me alone pretty quickly, as if he could sense I didn't want to be bothered. He said he just wanted to meet me because of you, he referred to you in high regard. Aside from the fact that I liked talking to you the other week, it's the reason I ended up seeking you out tonight. You've got some strange acquaintances, Heidi."

"I suppose I do. Like I said, it's easier when you've lived here all your life."

"Mm," Alicia looked uncertain about the matter but she did not question Heidi any more on it.

"Have you heard about the new place on Pine Street?" Heidi asked, keen to change the subject. "They opened a rage room."

"A rage room? What is it, a club or something?"

"Hardly," Heidi scoffed. "You pay to go into a room full of breakable stuff and smash it all up. It's supposed to make you feel better. Relieve anxiety, stress, rid you of any anger you might be letting build up."

"How bizarre," Alicia chewed thoughtfully. "Have you been?"

"No, the psychology behind it sounds debatable. It'd be interesting to see how you feel when you come out though. Some people claim that it does the opposite of calm you down. That it pumps you up and makes you feel more violent. I thought maybe I'd do a piece on it. It's on the back-burner anyway."

"Do you have problems with anger?"

"Haven't we all?"

"I guess so. It's messed up thinking about all the pent up aggression stored inside every single person around us, scary. By the way, you put your full name in my phone and I found one of your articles online."

"Oh yeah. Which one?"

"The suicide one. No wonder you get respect, you're making people aware of a problem that isn't being taken seriously enough. The statistics were quite shocking even for me. Were they all 100% accurate?"

"Without doubt."

"But you also write like you care," Alicia nodded to herself. "That particular case you talked about? The 15 year old girl, Hannah ...adding her poem, making the reader feel like they knew her and cared about her so that even people who hadn't known someone who killed themselves could identify with the story. It's a powerful style."

"You remind me of her actually. She was really in my head when I first saw you at the library, maybe that's why."

"The 15 year old?"

"I never met her but you're what I imagine she would have turned out to be if she'd lived. She was so darkly intelligent, so..." Heidi realized she was idealizing and stopped herself with a nervous laugh. "I get too involved in my stories sometimes."

"It's probably why they turn out so good. How you can get to people the way you do."

"Hannah got to me. I learned far more about her than I needed to. It became truly difficult for me to accept that this girl was actually dead, that she'd ended it the way she did. She had so much potential. And to think that there are people doing the same thing every day, I just tried to put my emotion over it in words."

"You succeeded. I'm no expert but I think a lot of journalists wouldn't be willing to take the risks you do. With that kind of emotion people could feel manipulated, it could swing one way or the other. But you write like an old person, not a 24 year old."

"Thanks, I think." Heidi studied the girl as she ate. She was an interesting one that was for sure. Heidi was taking to Alicia in a more profound way than she thought possible and was outright worried about her welfare given her present circumstances. She wanted to offer support which she seemed sadly lacking in, although Heidi couldn't be sure about that; she was nothing if not mysterious. At this point she was only glad that she'd got her distracted from her worries.

"How did you get into it?" the girl asked her. "You're pretty young to be so well-thought of."

"I had a social construct essay accepted for publication as winner of a competition my second year at university. I suppose it made an impression, people were suddenly interested in what I had to say. I think at some level the reason why people like my stuff is because I'm willing to say things others aren't since I'm not motivated by money or employment opportunities." Heidi could see Alicia wanted to ask her why not but was withholding the question; she was unusual alright. "I take advantage of the people around me too, get to know them properly. I know I'm lucky to have fallen into such a favourable position."

"You're a natural. Have you considered what might happen if one of your stories went down badly with the public?"

"Every time I turn a piece in I think it. I figure it's only a matter of time. On the one hand I might be able to bounce back and find a confident voice again, on the other I could just use the opportunity to do something different."

"What would you do?"

"I'll cross that bridge when I get to it." Heidi's curiosity overwhelmed her. "Is it just you taking care of things when your father dies?" she asked.

"Pretty much." Alicia didn't appear bothered by the question. "There's Dads solicitor and we have some distant relatives in the States but they won't come over. The only people at the funeral will be former colleagues of his, a few friends, and maybe some of the people who helped care for him, pity parties. And some of our old neighbours."

"Where did you move here from?"

"Westcliffe. We lived in a pretty isolated place, we moved here a year ago when his treatment meant he needed to be closer to a good hospital. It took me a while to figure out you guys have an excellent library."

"Where's your mother?" Heidi cursed silently. "Sorry, I'm asking too many questions."

"It's okay. Mum was killed in a car accident when I was five."

"Oh fuck, that must have been awful." _Damn, and here I was thinking her father was the biggest problem._

"Yeah. Ever since then it's been just me and Dad. I know what you're probably thinking after what I told you about the bruise but it really isn't that bad. He was always good with me until recently. He's on a lot of different meds now, he can't work and he's in pain so he drinks. He's pretty much losing his mind. He's not a bad person, he's just changed so much since the stage IV diagnosis."

"My mother was dependent on morphine by the end. Should your Dad be drinking with all the medications?"

"No, but it doesn't matter, he's a dead man walking anyway. Well, not walking anymore."

"What are you up to tonight? Are you going back to the hospital?"

"No. I've been there sitting by his bedside for three days, I can't handle it any more. They have my number if something happens. _When_ something happens."

"Damn. It's a horrible feeling, I know. You can come to my place for a while if you want. We can have a drink, watch TV. You'll probably be bored but at least you won't be alone."

"Yeah?" Alicia appeared to consider it carefully. "I think I'd like to. You are the first person I've met in a long time whose company I prefer over being by myself."

"It's a rough time, you shouldn't be alone anyway."

The paid for dinner and drove to Heidi's flat.

"Nice place," Alicia said, looking around. "How do you afford a place like this? Surely you don't make this much money with your writing..." Heidi shrugged evasively and led them into the lounge, switching everything on. Alicia plonked her bag down and shrugged her coat off.

"My wi-fi details are there if you want to use your tablet." She watched as Alicia stared at the view from her windows, at the lights on the hills opposite; it was a clear night and the moon reflected off the snow on the mountains beyond.

"You live here alone?" Alicia asked.

"Uh-huh."

"Why do you work at the library? This place is awesome."

"It has to do with compartmentalization. For a while I did work from home but I found it hard to switch off from work mode at my designated time because for all intents and purposes I was still in my work place. So I moved to the library, it makes it easier to relax when I'm here, do normal stuff."

"And what normal stuff do you do?"

"The same things everyone does at home, I guess."

"I can sure see a little more evidence of your OCD here. The place is immaculate. You're a cleaner as well, aren't you?"

"Cleaning, organization, makes me feel a little better. But don't be scared of making a mess or anything. I actually kind of like messes, they make me feel normal and I look forward to cleaning them up once I'm alone again. I'm weird but I'm not a complete stiff." Heidi knew people sometimes got worried being around her.

"You _want_ me to make a mess?"

"If you feel the need." Heidi smiled. "I'm just saying I'm not obsessed with coasters or spillages. My OCD is more about sticking to certain numbers and patterns. You can do anything you want. Drink?"

"What have you got?"

"Red wine, white wine, beer, vodka and uh ...yeah, tequila."

"Fuck me, you keep a well-stocked bar. I'll just have a beer, thanks." She wandered around the living room studying book covers, photos and statuettes.

"Okay. Make yourself at home, I'll be right back."

Alicia was messing around on her tablet when Heidi got back. She handed her a beer and settled down to watch the news. Alicia seemed quite content and Heidi was comfortable in her quiet company.

"Will you tell me what it was like to lose your mother?" she asked Heidi without warning. "I barely remember my own mother... I just mean, is there some weird sensation I should be aware of before Dad dies?"

Heidi contemplated the query.

"It's hard to say. I was a lot younger and my relationship with my mother was probably quite different from your relationship with your Dad."

"What was your relationship like?"

"I loved her of course, but we didn't get along great most of the time. Love can endure in the absence of like."

"Meaning?"

"Bluntly put... I felt like I hated her most of the time after the age of thirteen."

"Why? What happened when you were thirteen?"

If Alicia wanted to talk about this stuff Heidi didn't really have any problem with it.

"I stopped believing in God. I began to learn about philosophy and science and I came to the childish conclusion that she had lied to me all my life. She raised us Catholic, she made me believe in God, that there was something greater than we were and all would be okay in Heaven and I was so, _so_ fucking angry when I realized that none of it was true. It hit me hard, I felt betrayed. I was an overly sensitive kid, neither of my older sisters had such a problem with it."

"And it affected your relationship with her?"

"It came close to destroying it entirely. I harboured a huge amount of resentment and we argued almost constantly for the next three years. But I think at some point the nature of our fights changed, we started to understand each other better, we began learning from them, maybe even enjoying them. I started to accept that she hadn't raised us the way she did to hurt us and honestly regretted how bad it affected me, and I managed to make her understand and believe in evolution. It was unwarranted, I couldn't have foreseen that."

"Fuck, you must have been a really difficult daughter, I doubt she had much choice," Alicia chuckled. "So what happened?"

"Well, she got sick and everything changed. I was already a surprisingly independent 16 year old when she was diagnosed but I quickly became a devoted caregiver to her. You see, I still had this back-water concept of God, but she was my God now; _she_ created me, _she_ nurtured me and I loved her without condition. It was very difficult to see this powerful woman who I thought would be around forever in so much pain, puking constantly, not eating anymore, out to it on morphine all the time. Is that what it's been like with your Dad?"

"Yeah, pretty close. He stopped being the same person and I've been having to do everything for him. So how does your story end?"

"When she died the sense of loss was devastating. That's when my OCD got really bad. Grief affects everyone in different ways, it took me years to work through mine. Remembering back to what it was like straight after is like remembering a nightmare. I didn't take much time off school, I put on a brave face. But looking back, that might not have been the best way of doing things. It's hard to say. No doubt it will be very hard for you for a long time. I still cry about my Mum sometimes, but I find it easier to not let my thoughts and memories take over now and I became accustomed to not having her around."

"How long did it take her to die?"

"Her cancer was pancreatic, it took less than a year. We should have had more time, I should have made her understand how much I loved her, that's my biggest regret."

"I'm sure she knew. It sounds like, despite differences in opinion, you two were quite similar."

"Yeah, maybe. Doesn't matter anyway, it all happened so long ago. I was supposed to be comforting you. How long has your father been sick?"

"Four years since the beginning, we didn't know then that it would reach this point. It helps hearing your story. It makes me feel less alone. At least I'm certain my Dad knows I love him; that's comforting. Is your father still around?"

"No. He left us when I was still a baby. I don't think he could put up with my mother's shit. He remarried and I have a half-brother now who I've never met. They live in Scotland, we don't have anything to do with them."

"That sucks what your Dad did, but it might be interesting to meet your brother."

"Hm. Don't get me wrong, Mum would have been a very difficult woman to be married to, I'm sure his new wife is a lot sweeter, more easy-going. I just don't feel any interest in connecting with them, we have our own lives now. Part of it is probably out of an unshakable sense of loyalty to Mum. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some issues over what he did to her, but I'm sure there's a lot more to the story than us kids could understand and I don't want to dig it all up."

"You are quite a forgiving person then," she offered.

"Eh," Heidi shrugged, "I go back and forth."

"Mm." Alicia went back to her tablet with renewed purpose and ten minutes later she was suddenly talking again.

"Your mother was a surprisingly wealthy, successful woman for a bible basher," she said with a smirk.

"How do you know about that?" Heidi was caught off guard by the comment and saw Alicia glance back at her tablet. "Oh fuck, what are you doing?" She went over and studied the pages Alicia had been looking at. "My sisters Facebook page? Are you kidding me?"

"Hey, you gave me your full name, and you're surprisingly evasive when it comes to details about your situation. So this is why you can do what you do unmotivated by money. You have all the money you'll ever need from your nepotistic mother."

"Wow, you've got some serious balls, Alicia. Don't push it."

"I'm not actually trying to be insulting, brutally honest maybe, but not insulting. Despite the fact that you never really need to do anything you've decided to work, and in a way that benefits the people around you. It's quite admirable." Alicia watched the tension in Heidi's face relax a little. "Your sister is some kind of bitchy about you."

"She never had a nice word to say, she hates me. Thinks it was because of Mum's reputation that I got my first piece published."

"Yeah, I can see. But it's on you that you've managed to maintain your worth. She doesn't mention that."

"You could have just asked me if you wanted to know this stuff."

"I wouldn't have known what question to ask."

"What's your last name?" Heidi asked and Alicia burst out laughing.

"Think you're going to find dirt on me? Don't bother, I'm a ghost."

"Damn it!"

"You can try if you want, my surname is Devonport. I'm sorry I delved, really, I was just interested."

"It's alright, it's just nice to see you feeling better."

"I am a bit," she smiled.

"Who was the last person whose company you preferred to your own?"

"Is that a roundabout way of asking me how long it's been since I slept with someone? I'm 22, I only realized I wanted to have sex a few years ago and it's taken me that long to come to terms with the desire."

"That wasn't what I meant at all but _what the fuck?!_ " Heidi was totally thrown for a loop.

Alicia was laughing at her. What is it with this girl trying to mess with me?

"I lost my virginity when I was 16 and it was gross. I've slept with four different guys and all of them were total wankers."

"Okay, stop! I really don't need to know your sexual history!"

"I like playing with you. You're cute when you're embarrassed."

"Fine, right. Karma's a bitch, I'll get you back one day. I'll find your weakness somehow."

"I could tell you, if you wanted?"

"No! You're still doing it. You are shameless." Heidi shook her head disapprovingly as Alicia giggled to herself. "At least you're smiling, even if it is at my expense. Ten out of ten on that pivot to humiliate me, but getting back to the original question, what I actually meant was, who supports you in your current predicament? Whose company do you keep?"

"The old people I work with. My counsellors."

"What about friends?"

"I talk to a couple of friends from home on the phone a bit, other than that..." she shrugged. "I'm good with my own company."

"Will you please use my number? I like hanging out with you."

"I will, I will."

A news item came on then about the super-storms raging through the South East American coastlines and their attention was diverted. Heidi found the situation there evidence of climate change finally showing its evil face to the world. It had been expected for a long time and yet American politicians still vehemently denied it. There was a small, vengeful part of Heidi that saw it as fair, even when she knew that way too many people who didn't deserve it were suffering. She hoped it would have a positive outcome at least, that the superpowers would finally change their tune.  
"If I'm still alive when civilization falls apart, I'm going to take to the road and help animals in trouble," she said.

"What?" Alicia looked dumbfounded.  
"You heard me," Heidi observed the other girl. "What did I say? You're looking at me like I'm the Loch Ness monster. I mean I'll go on the road and let them out of their locked spaces and places so that they can have a chance to fend for themselves, that's all."

Alicia hesitated for a moment then came out with, "You're a fucking sleeper angel."

"Excuse me? A what?"

"A sleeper angel," Alicia was narrow-eyed. "I coined the term myself. You've heard of sleeper agents, like that but more divine. You tick all the boxes for one, I've never met one of you before."

"You always idealize people like this?"

"I'm BPD, I swing between idealization and devaluation -it's a weakness I'm trying to work through, but for a sleeper angel I'll make an exception," she grinned widely at Heidi, her understanding of her own irony clear.

"You're mad," Heidi feigned disapproval.

"Definitively."

"The Divine Comedy is getting to you."

"The greats always do. But seriously, you drive an electric car, you donate to charities, you belong to Greenpeace, you tirelessly write these articles bringing things that matter to people's attention, you get along just as well with gang members as you do with old ladies... And now I find out that in the event of civilization collapse you're going to _save animals_? For God's sake, Heidi, you're not human, you can't be." Alicia paused looking thoughtful. "You know when I first saw you at the library I thought you looked like a total bitch."

"Why!?" Heidi was beginning to get used to the extreme mix of flattery and insult Alicia used in her conversation.

"I don't know, it must be my default setting for perfect looking girls all busy with their ridiculously expensive computers. But even if you weren't a bitch is was unfathomable that you would turn out to be a sleeper angel."

"If I'm an angel, what does that make you? The devil?"

"More like a low-level demon," Alicia pondered.

"And what makes you so demonic?"

"Maybe demonic is a bit strong, but my thoughts aren't good."

"Tell me more." Heidi was intrigued.

"Well, for example, I saw this movie called Everest the other night at the hospital. It was pathetic the way they fought so hard to get another 20 meters to the top of the mountain while their wives and children were waiting for them at home. Me, personally, I would have just lied about it. _Yeah, I made it_. And if anyone else was around to see me not make it I'd have figured out a way to get rid of them. It'd be an easy place to get away with murder up there. Or I would have manipulated them into agreeing with the lie. I probably would have even been able to convince myself that I'd done it. The imagination can be a powerful thing, and I wouldn't have had to die struggling to make it for real. Not to mention that when civilization breaks down, I'll probably be the one killing and eating the animals you're trying to save," Alicia paused and grinned at Heidi. "I like making you laugh, especially when I know it's over pure black comedy. You have a proper fucked up sense of humour and I appreciate that."

"You crack me up, you do. I'm not even sure if you're joking, you just say all this totally out-there shit in monotone with a completely dead-pan expression."

"Life's one continuous, ever- changing joke. All that matters is whether you can laugh about it or not. Not many people find my humour funny, it's nice that you do."

"I get this strong sense that maybe you just don't expose yourself enough."

" _Expose_ myself?"

"You know what I mean. You're a loner, which is cool, but it can lead to a certain amount of unreality with regard to other people."

"How's that?"

"You probably overestimate peoples bad points and underestimate the good stuff they're capable of, because you don't give yourself or them enough of a chance to learn properly. We aren't all as bad as you think we are."

" _You_ aren't."

"I'm not trying to be condescending. I get where you're coming from, I feel the same way -the pull towards cynicism is strong. But there are things inside even the most useless of people which can be useful. And you're pretty awesome, it's highly unlikely the world and the people around you are better off without your input."

"You appear to be trying to convince me to associate with people more. Why?"

"I think your influence would make things better, would make people better. But I also think maybe you could benefit from it as well."

"You think I never talk to people? I talk to the most experienced, knowledgeable people in society, I work at an old-peoples home. And for some reason I do kind of like some of them. I'm good at my job, unlike most caregivers."

"I don't doubt it. Not such a terrible person after all. Still, they aren't the only ones who need to talk to people like you."

"Who do you propose I talk to?"

"I can introduce you to some people. Smart people, interesting people. With your intelligence you could gain some real allies around here. I don't think you'd want to be all buddy-buddy with them but a conversation or two wouldn't hurt, as an experiment, an experience, a subject for analysis."

"You sound like my father used to. I think you overestimate people's goodness."

"And I think you underestimate it."

"How can you think that way after what you went through with that guy and how the justice system failed to protect you?"

"He was one guy. There are always going to be fucked up people in the world. And eventually it was so-called bad people's sense of right and wrong that got me out of it."

"You are one strange and thought-provoking person," Alicia shook her head.

"Good and bad are so very interchangeable, my mother taught me that at least. So, what do you say? Would you like to meet some of the locals?"

"Can I think about it? I'd like to get this stuff with my Dad out of the way first."

"Yeah, of course. The offer's there if you want it." Heidi was thinking that if Alicia wanted to stick around in this place she would be a lot better off with some proper friends and a real understanding of her environment. The truth was she didn't trust the people around her that much either but she did trust Alicia enough to be able to judge for herself given the right amount of information. Alicia was a smart girl and clearly able to see where good stopped and bad started and which could be used to her advantage.

"Where's your bathroom?"

"Down there, you can't miss it."

Alicia stood up with a gasp and almost shuffled away and Heidi watched with curiosity as she hobbled back and collapsed into her seat a couple of minutes later.

"Is something wrong with your legs?"

"Ah, I was upset when I got back from the hospital this afternoon. I thought I could work it off with a run but I overdid it and ended up actually throwing up. I didn't realize my feet were sore until just then, I guess I've been sitting down for too long."

"I'll give you a foot rub if you want," Heidi automatically offered and Alicia looked at her suspiciously.

"Are you coming on to me?"

"Not at all. My sister played tennis and she trained me from an early age to rub her feet. No, it's not sexual, I've just been told I'm good at it. Besides you are far too vulnerable for anyone to hit on you right now."

"So if I wasn't vulnerable you _would_ be hitting on me?"

"No! Never mind." Heidi wondered why she'd even gone there now, she was trying not to look at the girl but Alicia seemed dubious, nonetheless.

"I don't think I've ever had a foot massage before," she said in a contemplative manner then lifted her feet up on the couch. "Okay, go ahead. Might be interesting."

Heidi hesitated but then went to sit by her feet, pulled her socks off and started her routine, successfully remaining mechanical. It had been a while and it actually felt good to do it again, it reminded her strongly of being a child. After a lengthy amount of silence from Alicia and only the sound of the TV in the background she began to think Alicia wasn't a foot person. Heidi was well aware some people just did not like their feet to be touched.

"You're very quiet, I'm not hurting them, am I?" she asked and saw an unreadably intense expression cross over Alicia's features, then she let out a deep breath. "I'll stop."

"No! Don't, please. I'm quiet because I'm trying not to moan like a porn star. Jesus, Heidi, you could make a lot of money doing this." Heidi laughed, relieved to be appreciated.

"It isn't something that should be sold, it involves an exchange of energy. It should be given freely, but only in certain circumstances and to people who matter. I'm not a prostitute," she stated primly.

"Mm, no. Still though, if the world turns to hell you could so easily tap into its oldest profession."

"A foot massage is hardly a screw."

"No, no. And yet somehow I feel like it is."

"Maybe you're just not used to being touched, it's a shock to your system. I repeat, this isn't sexual. But I am glad you're enjoying it. It's actually kind of nice, I haven't done one in a while and you have nice feet. They're not completely gross anyway."

"Mm, whatever. Shut up and work my stems. Ah."

"Okay, enough. Stopping now before I create a monster. Foot massages are like heroin."

"Just a little longer, please, please, please?"

"Five more minutes." Heidi couldn't deny she was happy with Alicia's response. "I could do it harder if you want. I started soft just in case I hurt you."

"Go ahead. Oh wow... Your sister taught you to do this? The one that hates you?"

"No, not Kylie. It was my oldest sister Gin, we've always gotten along okay. And she didn't exactly teach me how to do it, she just ordered me to do it most nights after training and games and eventually I got good at it. Learned the pressure points and such."

"She _ordered_ you to do it?"

"Well, she's eight years older than me, I didn't take much convincing. I sort of idolized her back then, I was just happy she wanted me around."

"It must have been nice," Alicia sighed and Heidi pondered what a lonely upbringing she must have had. "Why does your other sister talk about you like you're the anti-Christ?"

"She sees my writing as a ploy for attention. She sees everything I do as a ploy for attention."

"She's probably just jealous. Typical middle child syndrome."

"You're surprisingly astute about sibling rivalry for an only child."

"I'm surprisingly astute about a lot of things."

"That you are, therefore it shouldn't be surprising at all. It isn't quite so simple with Kylie though. I took Mums attention away from her when she really needed it. I was the most selfish person in the world from Kylie's stand-point. I would never forgive me either, if I was her."

"What are you talking about? You get along with your older sister fine..."

"Totally different. She'd already left home by the time Mum and I fell out, she could look at it all with a kind of wistful humour. Kylie, on the other hand, was there to witness the worst of our fights all the time. She would have been having difficulties of her own at fifteen but Mum was completely wrapped up in trying to keep me under control. It makes me feel awful thinking about it; I paid no attention whatsoever to Kylie's feelings, I only cared about my own hatred and anger. I have a lot to make up for now."

"You've tried to talk to her about it I suppose?"

"Numerous times. She won't have a bar, the damage is done."

"The day will probably come when she might need you. You'll be there then. You're blood. How did you manage to make it all the way to thirteen without realizing what bullshit religion was?"

"Mum sheltered us from outside influences for as long as possible. She was so completely convinced of the truth of it herself and when she was the biggest voice in our lives it was hard not to believe her. It took me a long time after my epiphany to realize how absolutely she really believed it all; it was hard to understand, she seemed like an intelligent woman to me. But she was pretty screwed up by her own childhood. She was raised in a convent orphanage for fucks sake, and it wasn't the nuns that gave her strength. No, it was this imaginary construct, this idea of something outside of the earthly realm."

"Listening to you talk about her like that I feel a little sorry for your poor mother."

"You're not wrong, I was a difficult daughter." Heidi adjusted her tone. "And don't think that I don't know you're trying to keep me talking to distract me from stopping rubbing your feet. I'm done. How do they feel?"

"Tingly. Damn. Give me a taste and then take it away. I never realized you were a tease on top of everything else."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Never mind. Thank you for that, really, it was ...quite shockingly good." Alicia put her socks back on and went back to her tablet, leaving Heidi wondering.

"I didn't know you felt so strongly anti-religious when I started talking to you about Dante," Alicia said.

"I'm not _that_ anti-religious. Adults can believe what they want as long as they don't feel the need to push their shit on others. I'm very strongly against bringing under-developed minds up without giving them all the information and options. It can be a tough blow for an adolescent, one they really don't need. Okay," Heidi acquiesced, "maybe I am anti-religious. I have an undeniable adoration for Richard Dawkins, even though his views are way more extreme than my conservative side feels comfortable with. What about your blood?" she attempted to change the subject. "You say you have some relatives in the States?"

"Yes. Dads cousins and a great aunt or something."

"What about your mother's side of the family?"

"I really don't have much information on them. I know they were German."

"Do you know her maiden name?"

"Yes."

"You're not interested in trying to find out about them?" Heidi probed and Alicia looked away with a pained expression.

"Not really. I'm more interested in looking into my future than my past."

Heidi frowned to herself, there must be something there she's missing or something Alicia is unwilling to talk about, she thought and went back to the television.

"How are you still single?" Alicia asked her ten minutes later.

"What makes you think I'm single?" she said, surprised by the question.

"Aren't you?"

"Yes," Heidi nodded. "But why is that unusual? Not everyone needs to be in a relationship to make them feel whole."

"No. Of course not. And I don't suppose there's anyone around here who'd live up to your extraordinarily high standards anyway," Alicia smirked at her.

"Glass houses. Aren't you single as well?"

"Touché. I don't like anybody and nobody likes me. You, on the other hand."

"Oh please, don't kid yourself. What about that homeless guy the other week? Looked like you were in there."

"Mm, true. He's fantastic in bed but it's just a sex thing. I'm not emotionally mature enough for him. Seriously, don't you like men?" She peered at Heidi critically. "Remaining conservative, you're at least an eight by looks alone and given everything else ...you could have anyone, and I mean _anyone_."

"That is such horseshit, putting a scale on desirability."

"I agree. It's happening though and aren't you just a bit pleased with your own rating?"

"You should be above encouraging that crap. Can we change the subject, please?" Heidi couldn't meet her eyes.

"Why are you so uncomfortable with flattery? Is it because of that dickhead stalker?"

"Probably. As much as you try to get over something like that, there are always underlying issues," Heidi glanced at Alicia's frown. "Anyway, if I'm an eight, you're a fucking ten."

"Ah, I knew it, the scale has pulled you in. A ten? That's a joke. I've got too much baggage, it pulls my rating down at least seven points."

"What baggage could do such a thing to this unflappable _scale_?"

"My BPD, issues with trust, issues with ...everything really."

"So, what you're saying is you lack confidence? I know physically deformed, emotionally retarded, paranoid schizophrenics who still manage to maintain healthy relationships."

"Come on, that can't be true!"

"No," Heidi admitted, "that particular combination is an exaggeration. But it might happen. Somewhere."

"Over the rainbow? Nah, maybe it's more complicated than lack of interest but I don't need to be used as a sex slave by some fuckwit to feel whole either. My hand works fine for me and it doesn't require psychological validation."

"How selfish, maybe your hand would appreciate a pep talk every now and then."

"Now there's a weird image," Alicia laughed. "I've had a pretty good time hanging out with you tonight."

"Good. Me too." Heidi smiled.

"But I should go home and try to get some sleep, I haven't had much of it lately," Alicia said.

"You don't want to just crash here?" Heidi had a spare room, Alicia didn't have to go.

"No, I'm not prepared for that, I have nothing with me. And sometimes I find it hard to sleep in strange places."

"Did you leave your car at the library?"

"Yeah, I'll Uber home and get it tomorrow morning. I'll probably go straight back to the hospital then, as long as nothing happens during the night."

Alicia ordered a car to come pick her up and Heidi felt a sense of loss overwhelm her again. She got up and gave the other girl a bear hug which Alicia seemed surprised by.

"Remember what I said? Use my number. When he goes, I want to be there for you. You really shouldn't be trying to do this on your own."

Alicia thanked her and as she left Heidi thought she looked a lot like she was about to tear up again. Heidi felt quite useless, but she had done what she could and comforted herself in the knowledge that Alicia had sought out her company tonight, she might feel okay about doing it again.

Chapter 3

Alicia's father died at 2 pm on Saturday the 9th. She was there, she held his hand and watched him take his last breath. She cried without restraint over him and tried unsuccessfully to close his eyes properly. Nurses came and once her crying was over she sat numbly watching them around him. They took her away into the nurse's area and spoke to her about arrangements and then she drove home.

For the next few days she was inconsolable; the visitors arrived for the funeral, some of whom stayed and took advantage of her hospitality. When the last of them had left, she felt a weight lift from her shoulders. It was as if she had felt so bad because everyone had expected it of her and now they were gone she was free. Things felt very different without her father, that was certain, but Alicia had always been able to seize upon the positives in extremely bad situations. She consoled herself that her father was not in any pain anymore, that the waiting was over, the inevitable had happened. She felt an enormous looming gap in front of her as if now she would have to start doing something much bigger than she'd ever had to because she didn't have any excuses anymore. It was just her now, the emptiness would have to be filled somehow. With interest, she looked into papers offered at Penton University.

Her strange new acquaintance had been in the back of her mind through everything. She had enjoyed her conversations with Heidi a lot and she wanted badly to talk to her, to see her again, but she felt suspiciously like a charity case and the last thing she wanted was to burden this lovely girl with her dumb problems. She had never really clicked with anyone the way she had with the writer from the library. She had begun to feel things she couldn't label and was uncomfortable at the intensity with which they presented themselves. She knew that she had begun to see Heidi inside her head, hear her voice, and that she had begun to associate these thoughts with the words 'blue-eyed angel'. She'd done this kind of thing before; Heidi was right, it was an aspect of her illness that tended towards idealization. And Heidi had also been right that she was vulnerable and therefore more susceptible to succumbing to these things. Heidi had been right about everything. She was amazing, _too_ amazing. And yet... What had she said, something about a total wreck who still managed to maintain a healthy relationship. Would it be so bad for Alicia to take her up on her offer to help? _How does a person like me tell the difference between irrational idealization and a plain, normal desire for friendship?_ The thing was she didn't want to hear her counsellors answer to this question, she wanted to hear Heidi's.

Despite the warning in her head, on a drizzly Friday evening, she found herself ringing Heidi's doorbell and feeling an intense mixture of fear and elation when the blue eyed angel answered. Heidi stood staring at her for several seconds then pulled her into another one of those tight bear hugs she'd given her two weeks before. Alicia almost burst out crying again.

"Where have you been? Why haven't you called me? I've been worried about you," Heidi said in a rush and tugged her inside. She sat Alicia down at the kitchen table and stared at her, wide-eyed.

"So?" she asked.

"It's nice to see you too," Alicia said and allowed herself a shy smile. "I... My Dad died. The day after I saw you last." She watched Heidi frown and nod slowly. "I'm okay though."

"You're strong," Heidi said. "You've been doing this all on your own, haven't you?" Her voice was so sympathetic, Alicia felt tears beginning to form in response to it. "It's okay," Heidi continued, "We don't have to talk about it. Stay for dinner. Stay for a drink at least?"

"I shouldn't..."

"Why not?" Her eyes regarded Alicia with such intensity she felt bowled over.

"The weird thing is, through all this, the thought of you has been my saving grace. I didn't really need you to be there because everything you said to me was all still inside my head. So, thank you for that but... It worries me."

"Why does it worry you?"

"You've been really good with me but I don't want to be a charity case and I don't want to burden you or become dependent on you." As she said these words she wasn't even sure they were true.

"A charity case?" Heidi's face broke out in mirth. "Alicia, it may be hard for you to believe but I actually like you. I've never met anyone quite like you before, I want us to be friends. I get that you don't want to be dependent on others but does that mean you have to cut everyone else out entirely?"

"No. I just..." Alicia suddenly forgot what she was trying to say.

" _I_ just want you to have a drink with me tonight. There's nothing suspicious or charitable about it. So, at the risk of sounding five years old, wanna be my friend?" Heidi said it all so easily and Alicia felt herself smile again.

"I don't know, I saw a prettier girl on the jungle gym this morning. Maybe I want _her_ to be my friend."

"But she's mean and I'm nice," Heidi pouted. "Please, play with me? I'll give you my cookie at lunch time."

"Hmm, does it have hash in it?"

"Yes, my mommy makes them special."

"In that case," Alicia laughed. "Alright, alright, I'll have a stupid drink with you. But I can't promise not to be a buzz-kill."

At the beginning of the evening while they were still in the kitchen Alicia helped Heidi make dinner and she worked up the courage to question her about what had been on her mind lately.

"Do you know much about mental illness, or specifically about borderline personality?" she ventured.

"A bit," Heidi replied. "As far as I can see, people who haven't been diagnosed with one thing or another are few and far between."

"I've been thinking maybe you were right, I should do something more with myself. My father always said so. I've been looking into courses at Penton."

"That's awesome. You should do it, you're beyond capable."

"I feel like I have so much time stretching in out in front of me and I'm not sure if I'm coping too well with it right now."

"Probably because you're not mentally stimulated enough. It's one thing to read and learn from other peoples work the way you do but quite another to be able to do something with it, produce something of your own from what you know. It feels good," Heidi threw her head back and rolled her eyes. "Like, _really_ good to know that you're doing something that other people aren't just appreciating but are also learning from. It's what keeps me going. What did you think you might want to study?"

"At first I thought an arts degree but looking through the papers on offer I suddenly became more interested in doing something completely different. I doubt literature or history could really teach me much I'm not already familiar with. I thought maybe molecular biology or biochemistry. It would be a pretty new subject but I did okay at science in school and I kind of enjoyed it then."

"That's so fucking cool. You should totally do it, you'd look hot in a lab coat." Alicia looked at her in surprise and saw that Heidi had allowed the words to slip out unconsciously. "I just mean, you know..."

"The thing is," Alicia continued, not in the mood to embarrass Heidi tonight, "I worry that I won't get very far because of my problems. I worry that I'll change my mind and drop out, or that I'll have difficulty fitting in. It's a commitment I'm not sure I'm in any position to be making."

"I let my OCD hold me back sometimes too. It's got easier over the years. It can be really hard just to take the first steps of putting yourself out there because of insecurities. But me personally, I found that people are generally a lot more accepting than you think, and the rewards when you're brave are worth it."

"My problems have taken me down some dark paths in the past, I don't want to revisit them. My counsellor is always on at me to be aware of that."

Heidi stopped chopping, came over and carefully inspected Alicia's arms. Alicia was confused for a moment, then it dawned on her.

"You _do_ know about BPD. You were checking for cut marks, weren't you?" she said.

"I'm really sorry," Heidi looked embarrassed. "I just need to know that you're alright."

"It's okay, I get it. I appreciate the concern. But I was never a cutter, my self-destructive behaviour manifested in a very different way."

"What was that?"

"I stopped eating. It was years ago, it's why I was put into therapy and got diagnosed in the first place. Believe me, if I was still starving myself I wouldn't be nearly so accepting of your concern."

"I trust you. How's your treatment going?"

"Good. Dialectical behavioural therapy, they teach us mindfulness. It's all heavily based around understanding and controlling our emotions and impulses, being assertive instead of passive aggressive, not allowing our anger or anxiety to get the better of us."

"Sounds interesting."

"It is," Alicia nodded slowly. "Looking back on what I was like before I started getting this kind of help, I've changed a lot. It helps being in a supportive group environment. It's weird, but when I feel anything start to overwhelm me or am tempted to do something risky, I think about these other people and it stops me. They're all making this monumental effort to stay stable and functional and so I feel like I can too. I never thought other people could have such a positive influence on me, especially not people with the same problems."

"It's good, yeah. And no matter what your counsellor might be telling you, you aren't just your illness. As long as you recognize that it's a part of you and you know the warning signs of any significant symptoms you shouldn't let it stop you from living life to the same degree people without it can live theirs. Everyone has problems. BPD is by far not the worst I've come across in some amazing people."

"What are you saying exactly?"

"It sounds like you're isolating from regular activities to try to protect yourself and others from your illness. But beneath everything the psychologists are feeding you there's still a normal person with normal needs and requirements, and you shouldn't be preventing yourself from fulfilling them because you think you're a walking, talking symptom. From what I've seen, you have it under relatively good control. You're pretty awesome and your moodiness makes you that much more interesting. I think a lot of people would agree with me. Even people without BPD worry that they won't be able to finish university or actually do end up dropping out or switching subjects, it isn't the end of the world. You're probably one of those people who'll be an information sponge all your life anyway."

"I figured you would give me a straight answer that I might like," Alicia smiled and nodded. "However overly optimistic it might be, maybe you're right, I need the same stuff other people do but with a few additions."

"Exactly."

Heidi put a plate of sliced limes on the table between them and pushed the chopping board away.

"Beer isn't going to cut it tonight. Your Dad's dead and he deserves a decent toast." Heidi put a shot glass in front of her and filled it with tequila. "I'll keep a close eye on you, make sure you're not spinning out of control any more than anyone else." She winked at Alicia, it was possibly the sexiest thing she'd ever seen. She would have to be careful tonight but she definitely wanted a drink now.

*

Alicia woke up slowly and took a long time to bring herself to open an eye. She was on a bed, she was comfortable to the point where she was barely aware of most of her body except her fuzzy thoughts and her blurry eyes. She must still be slightly drunk, she thought to herself and wiggled her toes. Yes, she still had feet, they were free, unshod.

She tried her voice, it croaked slightly. Sunlight streamed in through lazily drawn curtains.

After a while she pulled herself up from the bed that housed her so comfortably, she was thankfully alone but she needed to figure out where she was and what had happened. Her mouth tasted of cigarettes and spirits. She needed water. She found a full glass of it sitting on the bedhead beside her and she drank the whole thing in large gulps. She stared around, very dazed. The room was almost empty and spotlessly clean, she must still be at Heidi's. She thanked God and collapsed back onto the warm, sweet smelling sheets. She must have drifted away for a while because she came to again with a renewed sense of purpose to discover what was happening.

She left the room in search of her phone and answers and found Heidi asleep in another bedroom, a light throw covering her. Her hair was loose, tousled, her light make-up still on and only slightly smudged; it was the first time Alicia had seen her looking dishevelled and she was still beautiful, possibly even more so. Alicia had a surprisingly strong urge to lie down and snuggle up to her. _How come the first time I actually want someone to take advantage of me being so drunk is the first time I'm not?_ She left briefly to pee then returned and shook the other girl awake.

"Mm," Heidi moaned and shifted slightly.

"Heidi, wake up."

"I'm awake. I'm up." She squinted her eyes open then jerked up from her position. "What time is it?" she asked. Alicia shook her head in confusion, she didn't know and couldn't think how to find out.

"I don't know, I barely know who I am," she said as an offering of vulnerability. Heidi, apparently recognizing a need to take charge rose from the bed, shook herself and Alicia followed her into the bathroom where she was offered a new toothbrush. Alicia felt significantly renewed after brushing her teeth. _Typical Heidi, always knowing what to do._

In the kitchen Alicia stared at her as she went to work making coffee.

"Have a shower if you want," she said casually.

"Heidi. What happened last night?"

"You don't remember?"

"No. I didn't do anything ...stupid, did I?" Heidi came and sat next to her.

"Are you feeling okay? Not sick?"

"No. I think I might still be a bit drunk." She worried Heidi hadn't answered her question. "Did I do something dumb?"

"Not at all," Heidi chuckled. "You were fine. You made quite an impression."

"What? What impression? What happened?"

"You really don't remember?" Alicia frowned at her and began to panic. "It's okay!" Heidi assured her. "We had a good night and you were fine. We had some shots and you loosened up, started talking about your Dad and properly expressing your feelings about it. Nothing weird, just you needed to get some things off your chest, anger, grief. We punched some pillows and then screamed and some neighbours came over to see if we were okay, they had a drink with us, they loved you. You were talking to Tony for a while but don't worry, nothing weird happened, I was there the whole time. You and he had a good convo."

"Oh my God, I think I remember." Flashes were coming back to her, but strangely they weren't giving her any bad feelings unlike other times she'd been so drunk.

"I was feeding you water all night so your hangover wouldn't be so bad."

"Shit."

"You needed to let go, Alicia. You needed a decent night, don't worry, it was all perfectly under control. If you're angry I understand, but you don't have anything to worry about. Your behaviour last night was exemplary."

"Was Tony the older guy I was droning to about Dad?"

"It's coming back to you, good. Yeah, Tony invited you to phone or email him anytime. He lost his son a year ago, he knows grief but he's also an easy-going guy and he's a good friend to have made. He liked you, thinks you're a top chick, in his words."

"Oh my God," Alicia put her head in her hands. "You took advantage, introduced me to your _locals_."

"No! I mean, it wasn't planned anyway. It's just that we were being loud and we were checked up on. When they got to the door it was you that insisted on inviting them in, not me, and then a couple more came around. I'm really sorry that it's wigging you out."

"It's not. As long as I didn't make too much of a dick of myself." Alicia accepted a steaming cup of strong smelling coffee from Heidi. "Thank you." Alicia vaguely remembered the doorbell ringing while they were dancing. Heidi was an extremely sexy dancer and she'd probably wanted to invite the others in because she was scared she might do something inappropriate.

"You didn't make a dick of yourself at all. You're a surprisingly mature drunk. Do you want some aspirin with that?"

"Eh," Alicia shrugged then thought better of the evasiveness of her response. "Yes. I didn't reveal anything ...personal about myself, did I?"

"Aside from the fact that you like Pendulum and drum 'n bass music, not really, no. We listened to quite a bit of that though. You've got good taste in music, the others thought so too. Carlos and Rem did not appreciate your love of Rammstein at first but you went on to explain the background of the band and give them a break-down analysis of the Ich Will mp4 iterating in depth exactly how non-Nazi and satirical the lyrics were and you won them over. I also wasn't aware you spoke German fluently or that you had Jewish blood. You are even more intellectual than normal when you're wasted." Heidi laughed.

Alicia was affronted but Heidi said it all with such a quiet confidence she somehow was convinced she hadn't done so badly after all.

"How many people were here? How many people did I meet?" she asked in real wonder.

"Only four. Just neighbours. Don't worry, they all kind of loved you, and at the time you liked them too."

"How do you remember all this when I don't?"

"It'll come back to you eventually, it's still early. You're probably not used to drinking so much and I'm more seasoned, after all I'm a whole two years older."

"Ha-ha."

"I thought you needed a night to let loose. If I was wrong, I humbly apologize."

"No. You probably weren't. As long as you didn't let anything weird happen."

"I would never allow it. You will always be one hundred percent safe here. One hundred and fifty -I wouldn't have let you to invite those people in if I didn't think you would make a good impression on them. True, I can't always be certain about everything, but I had a good feeling about you and them and it turned out well."

"I should go home."

"I'm not letting you leave until you've had at least two cups of coffee and some breakfast. You shouldn't drive yet."

"Oh. You're very bossy."

"I'm just trying to look after you. It's on me that you got so drunk last night." She went to a kitchen drawer and handed Alicia her phone. "You asked me to hide it because you felt tempted to drunk text."

"Yeah, that sounds like me," Alicia laughed. "Thanks."

"There are some photos on there too. Might help jog your memory. Are you hungry?"

"Um... Weirdly, yes."

"Good. You're helping me make breakfast."

"Oh man," Alicia scanned the photos on her phone dubiously. "This is embarrassing ...but I do look like I had a good time."

"You were happy," Heidi admitted.

"Whenever I've been so drunk in the past I've woken up full of regret. Thanks for looking out for me."

The doorbell rang and Alicia looked at Heidi questioningly.

"That'll be Tony and Caroline. They said they'd check in this morning."

A man and a woman Alicia recognized from last night greeted her in Heidi's foyer as if she was an old friend and she felt a strange sensation of trust and kinship. Confused, she observed as they thanked her for hanging out last night and wished her the best of luck.

"It was very cool talking to you. Get Heidi to bring you round when you're in town again. Don't be shy," Caroline told her.

Alicia turned to Heidi when they had left.

"Why did you tell them I was leaving?"

"Aren't you? I figured you would want to go back to Westcliffe now that your Dad's gone. I was kind of hoping you wouldn't."

"You are such a fucking manipulator underneath that innocent exterior," Alicia said in amusement. "Don't think I don't see it, Heidi."

"I don't think you don't see it. I was just hoping you might appreciate my transparency."

"I have no intention of leaving. Not yet anyway. I have a house to figure out what to do with. You'll have to tell your friends I changed my mind."

"They're your friends now too."

"Mm, sure," Alicia chuckled. "Until they see my dark side."

"Oh what? You think you're not allowed to have fights with these people? With your out-there opinions, you'll no doubt have some wicked fights. It's how you'll really bond with them."

"We haven't fought yet but we're okay."

"You're right, you and I need to have a good argument. It'll happen eventually I suppose. We can't force it, it should happen naturally," Heidi grinned at her. "Lighten up, Alicia. No one's going to hurt you and I'm a control freak, I'll always be around."

*

Alicia came into the library on Sunday morning with the intention of knuckling down and finishing _Paradiso_. She knew that Heidi was a good person to work with; she didn't intentionally distract her. She would have been a good class mate at school, Alicia thought -hard working and a good influence but also a hell of a lot of fun when the time came.

When she rounded the corner into her usual study section and spotted Heidi head bowed to her notebook, warmth spread inside her chest and her mouth stretched into an unusual smile. It felt like coming home. She tried to wipe the tell-tale smile from her features and headed towards Heidi at a forcibly leisurely pace when a tiny figure dashed in front of her, then tripped and crashed to the floor, hitting his head on a chair leg. Alicia was duly distracted as the child began bawling and there didn't seem to be a parent in sight. She hurried to him and scooped him into her arms. He was perhaps two years old and so small he weighed almost nothing.

"Aw, it's okay, little man," she held him close and rubbed his back. His scrunched up face relaxed immediately, he stopped crying and started babbling incoherently at her. She grinned at him.

"Is that right? I know what you mean," she said and scanned her surroundings again. "You clearly belong to someone ...but who?" He stared at her, bleary-eyed and continued babbling and she nodded at him knowingly. "I totally get it, and a hundred percent agree with you, the situation sucks." Presently a youngish, worried looking woman rushed towards them and thanking her profusely and apologizing, she took him off her and disappeared. Alicia wanted to call after her that he'd hit his head but she supposed it was a fairly frequent occurrence in both their lives and turned back to her initial goal. She observed Heidi's amused, watchful expression as she approached her.

"What's up, weirdo?" she asked with a smile, tossing her bag on the table between them.

"You're in a good mood today," Heidi said. "That was very cute."

Alicia shrugged it off and pulled her book and tablet from her bag.

But she couldn't focus, not today. She found her eyes drawn back to Heidi often. It was a good thing she was sitting at an angle where it wasn't noticeable. At some point she stopped trying to concentrate on her book and simply stared. Heidi's own concentration on her notes and her computer screen was steadfast and that in itself was startlingly attractive to Alicia. _That foot massage... I wonder if she's as good with the rest of the body._

Her ideas were getting out of control. She needed to leave or someone was going to notice; she imagined her thoughts and feelings were written all over her face and she was close to wriggling in her chair _. Fuck_ , _how could I have let this creep up on me so suddenly_? What had Heidi done to her? Only, it hadn't been sudden at all, she reminded herself. It had been there from the beginning, but it was the kind of feeling that usually went away after she got to know someone better, when all her high expectations had been sufficiently let down. Heidi hadn't let her down, she'd exceeded her expectations and that was unheard of.

She went to the rest room to make sure she wasn't making a mess of herself and try to recollect her thoughts before the afternoon became too uncomfortable. She didn't want to have to leave, she had to work tomorrow and wouldn't see Heidi again for a while, so she forced her mind back on track and returned to her book.

Heidi's phone beeped and Alicia watched as she studied it with a frown.

"Something wrong?" she asked and Heidi's face changed.

"No, I just forgot to turn it to airplane mode. That was about you actually."

"What?" Alicia was confused.

"Carlos likes his chances with you. He wants me to set you two up somehow."

"Who is Carlos?" Alicia wracked her brain.

"The young guy from my place on Friday."

"Ah, yes, him."

"Are you interested?" Heidi asked and Alicia studied her, trying to gauge her feelings but, as usual, they were difficult to place. "He's a nice guy."

"No, I'm not interested," she said firmly. "He's too muscly, it's off-putting. Don't do anything stupid like give him my number, please, Heidi?"

"Me? Pimp you out? You know me better than that. He's not good enough for you anyway, you could do better."

Alicia thought she detected a glimmer of relief in Heidi's eyes but she figured she was grasping at straws and went back to her page.

"Do you know anyone who is good enough for me?" she asked after a while and Heidi looked up with a start.

"No," she said with conviction. "But I know plenty of guys who'd be interested, if you feel like settling for less than you should. I thought you didn't want a relationship?"

"Yeah, I don't," Alicia said, feeling desperately frustrated by the circumstances.

"The little boy this morning?" Heidi said. It was two in the afternoon and the surrounding tables had emptied.

"What about him?" Alicia put her book down.

"It was adorable. The demon likes children, who would have guessed," Heidi was teasing her.

"Kids and idiots, they deserve special attention, don't they?"

"Oh, come on, Alicia, don't try to brush it off, your whole demeanour changed when you picked up that little boy. And so did his for that matter. You have an affinity, it's very cute."

"I feel protective of children, that's all. Innocence shouldn't be taken for granted," Alicia was uncomfortable with the subject.

"You'll make an awesome mother someday."

"Ah! You're trying to get a rise out of me."

"Mm, so, have I finally found your weakness?"

"No, I have no interest in motherhood, I like my genitals the way they are." She watched Heidi burst out laughing and smiled.

"You're young, you might change your mind one day," Heidi said sobering up. "Maternal instincts should not be denied."

"There are too many children in the world as it is. I can keep my tight pussy and be a mother if I want." That was the step-too-far she intended, she watched Heidi's jaw drop and a vague blush creep into her cheeks.

"Damn it," she said, embarrassed. "How do you do that? Always turning things around to exploit my weakness."

"You are too easy."

"And you are way too loose-lipped about sexual things. I'm a demure, well-brought up Catholic girl, it's not proper."

"Please, you Catholics are the worst."

"You're probably right about that," Heidi looked thoughtful. "Some of the girls I went to school with," she shook her head. "I guess it's just me then."

"Back up, tell me more about these school friends of yours."

"Not a chance," Heidi replied curtly and went back to her notes.

Alicia tried to resume reading but couldn't help wondering if Heidi teased her like this intentionally. On the surface it looked like she was teasing Heidi but it didn't feel that way at all to Alicia. Then again maybe she was just in over her head, over-analysing the situation. She found herself gazing at Heidi again sometime later.

Her hair, her eye-brows, her make-up, her lips, that adorable cleft in her chin -it was all so perfect. Heidi looked up suddenly and caught her staring. She said nothing and her expression did not alter as they stared at each other for several seconds. Alicia got up and went around to her side of the table, sat down close to her. Heidi turned slightly and continued to watch her movements as Alicia put her hand out and caught the silver pendant hanging around her neck, lightly brushing the skin of her breast-bone as she did so. Heidi did not flinch at her touch or her proximity this time, which made Alicia feel like purring.

She studied the necklace with curiosity, but it was the body that housed it she was thinking about. She was so close she could smell Heidi's skin cream, her shampoo, and she wanted so badly to just close the distance and press her lips against Heidi's. The pull was strong, but when she looked up from the pendant into Heidi's clear blue eyes, fear overtook her and she turned away with a self-conscious chuckle.

"I'm not a lesbian. Really, I'm not," she said way too defensively and she sounded pathetic even to herself. She returned to her seat opposite Heidi feeling like an absolute idiot. She checked Heidi's face which had gone back to her notes without comment; she didn't care. Or maybe she was just trying not to embarrass Alicia more -that would be just like her. _Damn it! I should have just kissed her, at least then I'd know. At least she would know._

Her mind raced and her nerves were out of whack. She would make a peace offering, to be sure that Heidi hadn't been put off her by that little scene.

"Are you going to watch the All Blacks play South Africa on Saturday?"

"Yes. It's reprehensible but I'm a Kiwi, I have to," Heidi said evenly.

"Mm, yeah, it's hard to resist. Want to watch it together?"

"Hell yes, I do!" Heidi appeared delighted by the invitation and Alicia's heart swelled inside her chest. "Actually, I've been asked to watch it at a friend's place. There will only be a few people, do you want to come? If you don't want to I'd rather watch it with you."

Alicia considered the option carefully. The truth was that, despite her lack of interest in meeting these friends of Heidi's, she wasn't fully comfortable being alone with her. It would probably be easier to have other people around, she would feel less inclined to do something stupid.

"Yeah," she agreed amicably. "It sounds good."

"Awesome. You'll like these people, they stir me up something chronic during a game. I really wouldn't have figured you for a rugby fan."

"Dad loved it, he taught me everything there is to know about the team. The most successful team in sports history combined with one of the most aggressive games; what's not to like? These friends won't have a problem with me coming?"

"God no, you'll probably gain a few more fans of your own."

Alicia sighed inwardly but was pleased with the prospect of spending more time with Heidi.

Chapter 4

Alicia stood at the edge of her father's grave. It was still fairly fresh dug and as yet had no headstone. She felt strange but she wanted to talk to him. Not the person he was just before he died but the person he had been for most of his life. Her real father, the one who had taken care of her, taught her everything he knew and loved her more than anyone else she'd known. She didn't entirely understand why he'd wanted to be buried in a cemetery, she always thought he'd be more of a scattering ashes kind of man, but at this point she was happy about it, it was morbidly comforting to know he was under there somewhere.

She stared at the upturned soil and then glanced around her nervously. There was no one nearby.

"Hi Dad," she started awkwardly. "My counsellor said I should come talk to you. At first I thought it was a dumb idea but it occurred to me that nothing he ever said has been particularly wrong up to now. I figured it might help since I'd really like to talk to you for real." She paused.

"I miss you, Dad. So much. I know you were in a lot of pain and were ready to die but I wasn't. I wasn't ready for this. Then again, who is ready for it?"

"I won't ask you how you're doing. I guess if you're still around somewhere then you're better off now than you were before. You were being such an asshole at the end. You know that. It's probably part of the reason you wanted out so badly. Either way I guess you understood why I needed to spend as little time around you as possible for a while there."

"I'm lonely knowing you're not here anymore, but I'm also relieved. The person you were before you died wasn't someone I wanted to stick around. I'm doing okay, better than I expected I would be actually. I'm not thinking about doing anything stupid or self-destructive. In fact, I might do what you always wanted, get a proper education and do something with my brain."

"I wanted to thank you for everything you did for me. For keeping me on my toes, for making me question everything, for making me understand things most people don't. You were a good Dad, and I know it can't have been easy after Mum died. You were probably a better father than most people had and I'll always love you, I hope you know that." The pain in her chest was harsh and tears fell freely from her eyes. She looked around her again then sat down on the grass and folded her legs. She leaned forward.

"I wish I knew some prayers or something. I should have brought Heidi with me," she chuckled. "She's a Catholic, she would know."

"I also wanted to say thanks for the house, it'll give me a better start than most people my age. To be honest I'll probably sell it soon, or maybe I'll rent it out, I don't know. I don't want to live in it. With it empty I don't need to spend so much time at the library anymore but I like it there, the atmosphere is less oppressive. And there's Heidi ...I like being around her."

"I met her there while you were sick. She's come into my life like something out of a book. I keep feeling like she's been sent to me. I know, I'm not supposed to be thinking like that. It started when Mum died, I guess. The idea that she was watching over us made me feel better when I was little and now it's nice to think that maybe you're with her."

"You would have liked Heidi. Sometimes the things she says remind me of you. She knew your favourite poem. And I don't mean after going away and looking it up, I mean she could quote it verbatim when I mentioned it. It was surreal. This girl doesn't seem to understand the fact that she is totally out of this world unrealistic. But it isn't my imagination, she's there. She exists."

"I never met someone my age who could recite Poe straight off the bat like that. She's smart, Dad, and really kind, or she seems to be. I, of all people, should know appearances can be deceiving. Perhaps she's more of a demon than an angel. But if I insist on applying a divine metaphor to this then she is nothing short of a Godsend." Alicia realized she was babbling but didn't care. She poked at the soil in front of her, frowning

"Heidi understands my illness and she isn't afraid of it. She told me I shouldn't be allowing it alone to define me which is pretty damn close to what you used to say. But it's different with her, she stabilizes me somehow, brings me down to a level where I can not only act normal but feel normal as well. Maybe it's because she has problems of her own, equal and opposite. I know that without her I wouldn't be coping nearly so well with this, which doesn't bother me much anymore; it certainly doesn't bother her, she seems to like looking out for me. Despite missing you and being a bit lost at the moment I also feel quite grounded. Metaphorically indulgent like any highly imaginative person but still, grounded compared to the past."

"I realize now that I've been letting your sickness hold me back for the past few years. I didn't know until you died how much space it was taking inside my head and in my life. You knew though, didn't you? I remember now, all those times you tried to get me to leave you alone. I thought you were being cruel but you weren't at all. I'm sorry it had to work out this way -so hard. But if I had to do it over again I would, it wasn't your fault." Alicia wiped at her eyes absently. She sat in silent contemplation for a few minutes.

"There is one big thing that makes me think Heidi isn't sent from Heaven or from Mum. She's sexy, like I just want to screw her all the time. Sorry, I shouldn't be saying that to you but I don't suppose it matters anymore. I'm sorrier for what it says about her, she's such a sweetheart; she's done nothing to encourage me to think of her in such a dirty way. At least I don't think she has, sometimes she confuses me."

"Okay, enough of that anyway. I've been thinking about studying science, Dad. Maybe biochemistry or physics. Possibilities are opening up and everything you always said is coming back to me. 'You have a good head, you should make an effort', 'you could really get through to people, if you just tried', 'I want your mother to be proud of you', etc., etc. I bet you thought I wasn't listening to you all those times, huh."

"I might make you proud yet. I'll come see you again soon. Love you, Dad." She felt a sense of relief and peace and it was time to be done with this. She didn't particularly want to tell her dead father about her sex feelings which seemed to be the direction she kept heading in. She rose and headed back to her car.

*

That evening Heidi came to pick her up. Over the past few weekends she'd spent quite a bit of time with her, met more of her friends, who were a diverse and interesting bunch of people but Alicia incessantly craved her one on one time with her new friend. She was becoming frustrated by the situation.

It was obvious that Heidi liked her, she had said as much. But did she ever think of Alicia as more than a friend? Of all the people Heidi hung out with a good portion of them were male. From what Alicia had seen she did not seem interested in any of them as more than friends; it was confusing, Alicia got a distinct sense that she was missing something, some vital puzzle piece. Perhaps it had to do with the stalker, Heidi had told her that there were always going to be underlying issues in regard to that. It must be at least part of the reason she was still single. Why she expressed no interest in a relationship at all. Was she even interested in sex? Maybe she was one of those asexual people. Alicia had been dancing around the issue for too long, eventually she was going to have to say something, find out for sure what was going on there. She would have to figure out a way to get answers out of Heidi without actually telling her how she felt and risking rejection. Every time she tried to express herself directly so far she'd ended up embarrassing Heidi and herself with crude innuendo. She could hear herself doing it and hated herself for it.

That night was the first time Heidi had been to Alicia's place and she'd spent most of the afternoon trying to get it clean enough for her to appreciate.

"It's a nice house," Heidi said, wandering round the living room, studying relics. "Will you sell it?"

"Eventually, yes." Alicia watched her. "I don't think I'll come with you tonight, after all."

"You've changed your mind... How come?"

"I'm not in the mood. I have to be up early for a doctor's appointment in the morning anyway."

"Something wrong?"

"Yes, I'm a hypochondriac."

"Seriously, are you okay?"

"Yeah. I get six monthly check-ups and blood tests, it abates the paranoia for a while. There's never anything wrong with me, aside from my personality and they can't fix that. Sorry for making you come all the way over here for nothing."

"It's not nothing. Can I hang out here for a bit?"

Alicia smiled, this was the kind of thing that made her think of Heidi as more than a friend.

"Stay as long as you want," she said.

"Hello. Who's this?"

Alicia followed her eyes to the windows where a small, black cat was poking its head up and peering in at them.

"That's Endo. He belongs to the house next door."

"They named their cat Endo?" Heidi smiled. "Can I let him in?"

"Yeah, of course. You don't mind cats?"

"No," Heidi said as she opened the window and he leaped in and rubbed against her leg.

"I try not to encourage him but he does seem to keep coming back." She watched as he settled on the couch next to Heidi. "Be careful with him, he can be a bit full on sometimes, he's jumped at my face before, scratched the shit out of me."

"A bad cat, are you? You don't seem like too much of a threat to me. How does he even manage to get up here?"

"There's a fence below the balcony and he's young and agile. I guess he likes visiting people. Do you want a glass of wine?"

"Only if you're having one," Heidi said and Alicia left her petting the cat on the sofa for a minute.

"Have you been thinking any more about university?" she asked on Alicia's return.

"I've been looking at papers. I still can't make up my mind what to do. It's one thing to study chemistry or physics but I'm not sure I'd want to be stuck in a lab for the rest of my life. It seems very myopic."

"You could start with a science degree then use it for something else, writing or teaching. You know, the few times I've seen you with children you were amazing. You have a way. I've never seen children react to someone the way they do with you. Maybe you should consider working with them. Just a thought."

"So, because I have a way with something I should be exploiting it?"

"Children aren't something's," Heidi chuckled and took two tiny sips of wine; Alicia had noticed that about her, she sipped by twos; like she took two breaths of fresh air just before every cigarette puff. It would be weird if it wasn't so cute. "Exploitation is a pretty negative way of wording it ...but yeah, I think you should be. It's entirely possible it's what you'll get the most out of. There are so many children lacking guidance and support. You should use your abilities, you have them for a reason. You change too when you're around kids. As much as you try to deny it, you like them, maybe even love them."

Alicia sighed heavily.

"I can't work with children. I couldn't deal with the pain. I understand what you're saying but I'm telling you underneath my attitude I'm actually really sensitive. It's one thing to deal with a brief encounter every now and then but quite another have to cope with them day in, day out."

"God, Alicia," Heidi smiled at her. "You have a gift, why try to repress it out of fear? Don't you think it would be better for some of these kids to have you in their lives, however minimal your input might be, than to have some asshole who doesn't even care? Or worse."

"What the fuck are you even talking about?"

"Social work, teaching, child psychology," Heidi shrugged. "I don't know. Just something where you're utilizing your talents. You have a good mind and your whole life ahead of you, but you should take your heart into account too."

How did Heidi manage to say these things so easily, so casually and still sound so convincing, Alicia wondered, rolling her eyes in frustration.

"Once a person like me got involved in a kids life, their story, I wouldn't be able to keep it to the minimum. I would need to fix things properly every time and that wouldn't be possible. It would hurt. It's hard enough working with old people who have problems, children would be much worse."

"What's it like working at Green Haven?"

"It's an experience. A lot of them have dementia, it's a struggle to make them remember me. Way to change the subject..."

"Sorry," Heidi said casually. "I thought it was what you wanted. But you are right about the kid thing. You can't make any kind of good difference without putting yourself at risk. I shouldn't have said anything."

Alicia narrowed her eyes suspiciously but Heidi had been distracted by a photo of her father on the wall. Fuck, she is a manipulator, she thought to herself. And absolutely right, as usual. _Bitch, I hate her. I love her. Oh my God, I love her..._

Heidi turned from the photo and looked at her cautiously.

"How are you doing? You haven't really talked to me about your Dad much."

"I'm okay. I miss him, of course, but I had a lot of time to get used to the idea of not having him around. I think that made it much easier than when Mum went."

"He was an intense looking guy."

"He was intense acting too."

"In what way?"

Alicia found she didn't mind the probing questions, possibly even wanted to talk about her late father.

"He talked about my mother like she was some kind of mythical creature. He'd start and there would always be this point where it would get too emotional for him and the subject would veer off onto Germany and WWII and then switch to completely unrelated subjects. I knew it just became too difficult for him at a certain point, he loved her so much. He insisted that I keep up with my German, know it as well as English. He wanted to keep her alive in me but without coming too close to their personal background. He never spoke about her accident or his feelings about her death."

"Maybe he would have wanted you to get in touch with her side of the family?"

Alicia shook her head.

"It was always just her and Dad and I up until her death and he heavily alluded to the possibility that my mother's family didn't approve of their marriage so we were on our own. That's how I saw it anyway. Dad spoke German and knew all about Jewish history but when it came to getting personal the subject always changed."

"You were born in what, 1994, 1995? What did your mother have to do with WWII?"

"Nothing at all, that's my point. She was only 28 when she was killed. Dad was twelve years older. He used WWII as a reference point for a lot of sociological arguments though, and not just the holocaust but all of it, the Red Army, the Imperial Japanese Navy, the London Blitz, Stalingrad. He could be obsessive about certain subjects. My mother was a student of his, I know, what a cliché. From what I understand they bonded over their conversations about history, which may be why it was a recurring theme in his talk about her."

"He never considered remarrying?"

"No. There were a couple of women over the years. It wasn't serious, he never let them too close to me."

"He sounds like a pretty interesting guy. But I'm starting to get a picture of why you turned out to be so intense yourself. Have you got any photos of your mother?"

Alicia hesitated, but she wasn't finding the conversation difficult. She went to a side cabinet and pulled an album out then withdrew a photo. She stared at it for a few seconds then handed it to Heidi.

"Wow," Heidi said in awe. "She looks like a movie star. That's you in her arms? You were so cute."

"Mm," Alicia felt warm.

"I can see where you got your looks from and why your Dad loved her so much. She's beautiful but she also looks like a lovely person. I know, I know, I shouldn't be judging by appearances. Sorry."

"It's okay. I should just admit that Dad was obsessed with her, even until he died. He didn't know how to move on properly. It's not an admirable quality though it might appear so to someone looking at it from the outside."

"True love is naturally obsessive," Heidi said without a trace of irony.

"You believe in love?" Alicia was surprised by the notion for some reason and Heidi looked at her like she was mad.

"Of course I believe in love. I don't think it's as common as people make it out to be but yes, I couldn't live without the idea. Even if it's only an idea for most of us."

Heidi handed her the photo back.

"You really think I look like her?" Alicia asked.

"Look at you, it's obvious."

"You think I look like a movie star?"

"No," Heidi said thoughtfully. "I think you look like her appallingly beautiful spy daughter. You have a different glint in your eye, like you have an ulterior motive. You aren't nearly so interested in making a good impression on people as she is," she grinned.

"Maybe I do have an ulterior motive. That's quite flattering, but seriously."

"Oh, what, you need me to tell you what you look like? You're a smart girl."

"So, I'm fuckable?"

"Nick certainly thinks so."

"What?" Alicia wasn't expecting that.

"You were making out with him in the kitchen at his place the other week."

Damn it, how the hell did Heidi know about that, she wondered. Like Alicia really needed anything else to complicate things.

"Making out?" she said sarcastically. "It was one stupid kiss. It was a spur of the moment thing and it's not going to happen again. He's a nice guy but he's an idiot and a lousy kisser."

"Damn, Alicia. He talked about you like he's in love, you shouldn't play with people like that."

" _He_ kissed _me_ okay, one minute we were talking and the next bam. He surprised me, it took a few moments to break it off, that's all."

"Oh..." Heidi appeared suitably chastened. "He's not usually like that, he shouldn't have done it. Sorry, I'll have to tell him off."

"I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself. Why do you care anyway?"

"You're my friend, he's my friend. But you're right, it's none of my business."

"Heidi, I..." she started but Heidi was looking at her so intensely again, her big, pale eyes questioning and she couldn't say what she wanted to. "You sound like you might be jealous actually." She reverted back to her old trick.

"Get out. Nick's like a brother to me."

"Then maybe it's him you're jealous of," Alicia peered at her smugly. "You want me all to yourself, don't you?"

"I just feel protective of you," Heidi turned away with a frown and Alicia regretted degrading her.

"Sorry, I don't mean to make you feel bad. I like it that you look out for me, I don't want you to stop."

"Is it because of him that you don't want to come out tonight? I doubt he'll even be there."

"It has nothing to do with him." Alicia fished around for a different topic. "I visited Dads grave today actually. I talked to it, it was weird. I always thought he'd want to be scattered on the wind. He was a bit like you, not into the whole religion scene at all. But when I was talking to him I got this strange feeling he'd probably done it for me, so I'd have somewhere to visit, to see him."

"That's kind of cool. Did you feel better after talking to him?"

"A little, yeah. You probably think I'm crazy, some kind of convert."

"Not at all. I still talk to my mother's grave sometimes."

"Oh?" Alicia was very surprised by this. "You do believe in divine powers after all," she said tempestuously.

"No. Not in the way others do. I get the feeling that there are a lot of things at work that we don't understand and at our stage in evolution can only get a vague sense of."

"Forces, yes," Alicia mused. "And how do you think these forces work?"

"I wouldn't pretend to know. My Mum and I had some weird conversations towards the end about aliens. I told her my thoughts about the fishbowl scenario and she worked hers into them about how our supposedly divine influences from the past might have been extra-terrestrial. Proffered the possibility that the so-called Garden of Eden was actually another planet. Divine and alien aren't such different concepts and it was kind of nice to find a level where we could reach some vaguely common ground."

"Aliens!? Doesn't sound very grounded to me," Alicia laughed but felt bizarrely comforted.

"No, like I said, it's out there. But it's quite nice, to think that those beings who we thought of as Gods might be real, extra-terrestrial or extra-dimensional beings who're simply monitoring our progress. Or lack thereof as the case may be."

"Nothing about that is simple! I like it though."

"Mm, by the time we had those conversations Mum was high as a kite most of the time so was a lot more flexible about her beliefs and I think we were both desperate to find something to agree on. It was nice."

"What kinds of things did you fight about before she got sick?" Alicia liked hearing about Heidi's life with her mother, it consoled her in a way she couldn't understand. Perhaps because she had missed out on it herself.

"Food, alcohol, addiction, suicide, race relations, sexuality, gender roles, science, politics; the list goes on and on."

"You argued about sexuality with her?" That had caught Alicia's attention.

"Yeah, she could be quite homophobic; well, prejudiced in general really and it pissed me off. I took every advantage I could to make her see things my way, or more to the point in the way I had learnt to see things from my schooling and from my constant exposure to movies, television and the media. It wasn't right that a person as intelligent as Mum should be so narrow minded. Eventually her attitudes started to change, she became more comfortable with certain ideas. She wasn't afraid to admit that she loved Elton John and Freddy Mercury," Heidi chuckled. "How was it in comparison to your father?"

"Ah well, possibly the complete opposite. My father was always trying to get me to appreciate and see things his way. It was infuriating, but it benefitted me in the end, I feel like a better person for it. Like your mother probably became a better person because of you. I don't understand it, how do you manage to maintain your status?"

"What status?"

"There must be something wrong with you. Sleeper angels aren't supposed to exist."

"I'm no angel," Heidi sighed. "You know, one of the first stages I went through after I stopped believing in God was to sell my soul to the devil."

"What?!"

"Oh yeah. It might sound counter-intuitive but I needed so badly to believe in something, to belong to something, and evidence of the power of darkness lay all around me. For a long time I thought it was because of me that my mother got sick, I used to wish she was dead sometimes. And then Paul, my stalker, I..." Heidi stopped and Alicia watched her. She shook her head sadly. "That kind of thing never goes away, I still have a conscience. I guess I still believe that the 'forces' can work in these kinds of ways, that intentions can influence physical outcomes. I try not to think about it, I actively disengage from having bad thoughts about people because I believe so strongly in the power of intent. Even if it doesn't affect the external world, it definitely affects the internal one. I need to maintain control, or else I'll end up hurting myself, or someone else."

"So that's how you do it -guilt. Hmm, makes sense. But it doesn't change your status, a sleeper angel in human form. They wouldn't know what they were until the time was right, but like you, they'd have feelings about things." Alicia paused thoughtfully. "So, the stalker I can understand, and no doubt he deserved everything he got. But tell me again why you hated your mother so much?"

"It's hard to explain," Heidi frowned. "It's even hard for me to grasp with the benefit of hindsight. I suppose it was a lethal combination of many things. The onset of puberty and a need to rebel against something; an overwhelming sense of loss that everything I thought was true, wasn't; a desire to regain control of a suddenly very confusing and menacing environment. I trusted Mum, she was my world. To realize that she was either wrong about everything, or simply lying was a huge emotional blow."

"When you put it like that it makes sense. But you ended up on good terms with her in the end, right?"

"Yeah, we fought it out, sometimes it's the best way, or the only way. Puberty was a cunt."

"I wish your Mum, you, me and my Dad could have had a conversation together when we were all at the height of our understanding and enlightenment. It would have made an interesting set-piece."

"With your imagination you could probably come up with it yourself. You should write something."

"Yeah," Alicia nodded, still smiling. "You do get my brain working. Seriously, your mother sounds okay. I would have liked to meet her I think."

"I think I would have liked to meet your Dad."

"I'm fairly certain that back when he was still of sound mind, you two would have got along well."

"Hey, wouldn't it have been weird if my Mum and your Dad had got together?"

"Oh... The two polar opposites of the group. Fuck yes, that would have been weird and totally not an idea I would have come up with but, wow. And ew... We might have been step-sisters."

"Ew? Damn, that's pretty insulting. I guess we are a bit cave-dweller to you though."

"Such humility, Heidi. Come on, you're probably the most intellectually stimulating person I've ever met. I get where you're coming from about the puberty issue too. You know, psychologists say that puberty is comparable to legal insanity."

"Mm," Heidi nodded. "Yup, insanity for sure. Is that when you stopped eating?"

"Yes, I was fourteen. I wasn't diagnosed with BPD until I was 17. I'd already been put on several different medications and had mostly got over the eating disorder by then, but it wasn't until my borderline diagnosis and group therapy that I really started to understand myself and improve in any major way. A lot of people criticize the mental health system in this country but my experience with it has been okay, probably because I was at least partially willing to accept that I had problems. It's disturbing to imagine what kind of state I might be in now if I hadn't had that help. What's the deal with your OCD, did you have therapy for that?"

"I had some counselling sessions not long after Mum died, when it was at its worst, and I saw a psychiatrist a few times. It didn't work out for me, mainly because they put me on a nasty drug called Clomipramine and the side effects were shocking. So I resolved to deal things in my own way, I learnt everything I possibly could about it, started talking to sufferers online. Just worked out a way to keep the symptoms to a minimum without drugs or doctors. It's not a method that works for many people but I guess my symptoms weren't as acute as some."

"Have you self-analysed? Have you figured out why you have it?"

"Not precisely. Have you?"

"I might have identified some factoring influences, but no, not precisely either. They say there's a large genetic component with BPD. It makes me wonder about my mother."

"Do you remember when she died?"

"Mm. I remember her just disappearing from my life around the same time I started school. I'm sure my father explained to me that she had died but I didn't fully understand what that meant back then. I don't remember going to a funeral, though I must have done. She was always there, and then she just wasn't anymore. I used to have imaginary conversations with her where I would try to get answers about why she'd left and I remember thinking, for a while, that if I did well at school then she would be happy and come back. It's really fucked up looking back on it."

"I can't even imagine how awful it would be for a five year old."

"Hey, at least I know now that my mother didn't leave me by choice. Your father on the other hand..."

"Wow," Heidi stared at her, amusement in her eyes. "I am consistently impressed with your ability to turn things around on me and make controversial statements."

"Thank you. I find it impressive that it doesn't bother you at all."

"Don't let my face fool you, it does bother me. But I never knew him so... Besides I'm not even sure if he's my real father."

"What I meant was, I like it that you don't get offended by my comments. But this is interesting news, you don't think he's your father?"

"Well," Heidi shrugged. "There must be a good reason why he left when he did, straight after I was born."

"No shit... Whoa. That's messed up."

"I've had time to think about a lot of different possibilities. I brought it up with Gin once. She doesn't think it's likely Mum cheated on him and she knew him the best. She thinks their marriage was in trouble way before I was born, that he didn't want any more children. Which is insulting in itself and begs the question, why'd he have one with another woman? Maybe he just didn't want any more girls."

"It hurts you," Alicia said watching Heidi's expression. "You could get a DNA test. You wouldn't need a sample from your father, just one from your sisters. Didn't you ever ask your mother about this before she died?"

"No. I was more concerned with other things then. And after she got sick I never had the heart," Heidi paused. "I had a loving parent just like you did, in a different way but still."

"If he was any kind of decent person and knew you at all he would be fucking proud to have offspring like you."

Heidi smiled to herself.

"You know, you can be very sweet when you want to be," she said.

"Do you want another?" Alicia nodded at Heidi's empty glass.

"No thanks, I better go and I don't want to be over the limit."

"You're leaving?" Alicia didn't want her to.

"I have to put in an appearance at this thing, I'm expected."

Alicia had the awkward urge to beg her to stay, no doubt an impulse she'd regret later so she didn't act on it.

"Thanks for hanging out for a while anyway," she said.

"Come with me. You don't have to stick around if you hate it."

"Nah."

"Are you sure it's not because of what happened with Nick?"

"I'm sure." _I want to be alone with you, dumbass._

Alicia saw her out with regret. _What if she hooks up with someone tonight? What if she meets someone she likes? What if... Oh no._

"Is there someone in particular you want to see tonight?" she couldn't stop herself from asking.

"Not really," Heidi shot her a strange look. "I probably won't stay very long myself. It's just that I said I'd be there and I don't like not following through on things. What time is your appointment in the morning?"

"8.30." Alicia followed her to her car.

"Will I see you at the library afterward?"

"Uh-huh."

"Good," Heidi smiled. "We'll have lunch together, yes?"

"Mm." Alicia was afraid to open her mouth in case she said something inappropriate. Her chest hurt as she watched Heidi climb into her car. "Have a good night," she managed.

Chapter 5

On the first Sunday of October they sat together at their usual table. Heidi liked that they were comfortable in each other's company now, though she had locked the extent of her feelings for Alicia down deep. Where they sat, their closest neighbour, a local woman named Margaret, was sitting several tables away. Heidi had almost completed her latest article and was looking forward to wrapping it up and moving on to a new subject.

After Heidi left the previous evening Alicia had dreamed of her through the night, the images were still weighing heavily in her thoughts and yet again she was having trouble keeping her eyes on her page. Heidi didn't look as if she'd had too late a night, but then she never did really. Alicia felt very tempted to grill her about it. Today she wore a black, V-neck shirt, her hair was falling loose around her shoulders, silver droplets dangled from her ears; she looked gorgeous and as usual was completely focused on her work.

"Have you ever been spanked?" Alicia couldn't help herself.

"What?!" Heidi spluttered and stared at her in surprise, her pen poised over her notebook.

"Have you ever been spanked?" Alicia's voice and gaze was unfaltering.

"Why would you... You really enjoy shocking me, don't you?"

"Oh come on, Heidi. I bet beneath that quiet, composed exterior, you're actually kind of kinky." Alicia desperately wanted to find out if Heidi was even a sexual person at all.

Heidi opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, unable to think of an appropriate response. The last few weekends they'd spent time together, Alicia's comments had become more and more direct. Heidi's resolve was being sorely tested and any initial enjoyment of the teasing had all but gone. Alicia was messing with her, she was in one of her moods and she enjoyed seeing Heidi blush. Damn her, Heidi thought, I won't give her the satisfaction, not today. She looked back at her notes.

"It's absolutely none of your business. Stop trying to bait me."

"Alright, easier question. Have you ever been with a woman?"

"Jesus!" Heidi could not meet her eyes and felt like sinking into the floor. Alicia so obviously knew how she felt and Heidi couldn't understand why she insisted on torturing her. "Would you shut up? Stop trying to mess with me and get back to your book."

"So, no... But you want to." Alicia nodded at Heidi's embarrassment. "Yeah, I can see it in those baby blue eyes of yours. You're not so innocent after all," she said, pleased with herself.

"You are so fucking immature sometimes."

"And you are sexy when you're embarrassed. Mm, I've never wanted you more," she smirked, she was thoroughly enjoying this.

"Stop it. God, what's with you today? Did you skip your meds?"

"Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be fucked with a strap-on?"

" _What the fuck?!_ For Christ sake, please, stop!"

Alicia leaned very close and whispered in her ear.

"What if I'm not messing with you?"

Heidi stood up quickly, her patience had worn out. She would have to say something, try properly to make Alicia understand. She grabbed her by the arm and dragged her towards the wheelchair toilet, asking Margaret to keep an eye on their stuff as they passed her. She pulled the girl into the cubicle then turned on her and let loose.

"You need to stop doing this, Alicia, I'm not as good-humoured as you think I am. All I want is to get some work done and you are crossing a line, starting to fuck with my head without mercy. I can only assume that you're taking it so far because you're not feeling a hundred percent stable at the moment, so I'm trying to be tolerant but I'm beginning to get really pissed off. What the hell did I do to deserve this? I'm going to ask you one more time to please, _please_ , give it a rest, it's not cute anymore, it's bordering on harassment." She looked icily into Alicia's grey eyes and the other girl was suitably stung by her words. She stood there looking at the door behind Heidi not willing to meet her gaze.

Heidi was right, Alicia thought, this had gone far enough. It was time to say something real, to take the risk she'd been avoiding. Maybe Heidi wouldn't feel the same but it was unlikely Alicia would lose her. She cringed, took a deep breath and spoke, still avoiding Heidi's eyes.

"Right. Okay. The thing is," Alicia began, her voice unsteady. "I'm being this way... I'm trying to tell you, in the stupidest, most immature way, yes, but I am trying to express that..." Heidi frowned as she kept her eyes on the wall and left the sentence hanging for several beats. "I _like_ you. A lot," she finished with difficulty.

"What?" Heidi's heart hammered inside her chest. She couldn't tell if this was just another level of Alicia's torture plan.

"You think that I'm trying to mess with your head." Alicia was having trouble keeping her words even. "That's on me, I was scared that if I told you outright, or made it clear that I just plain liked you, I'd get hurt. How could someone like you ever want me back? This whole thing is making me feel like I'm ten years old again and I have my first primary school crush."

Heidi watched her say these words, eyes narrowed, her mouth hanging slightly open; Alicia appeared genuine.

"I'm sorry you got the impression I was toying with you. The last thing I wanted was to make you feel bad in any way when you are the loveliest person. It's just that I've never felt this way before, I don't know how to deal with it."

"Are you for real?" Heidi managed to ask.

"Yes," Alicia finally met her eyes. "And I've gone over and over it in my head and I don't think these feelings are just a symptom of my illness or grief, far from it, though my coping strategy has been terrible." She swallowed as if she had a lump in her throat. "But I think I really need to know now, do you still want me to leave you alone or is there some vague chance that maybe you could feel something for me too?"

"So..." Heidi's heart raced. "If I were to kiss you, you wouldn't mind?" she asked nervously.

She watched as Alicia ran her eyes down from Heidi's toward her lips and she licked her own, like she couldn't think of anything else she'd rather do at this moment than be kissed. She was making herself abundantly clear, she wanted this, and Heidi couldn't hold back any longer. She put her hands tentatively on Alicia's hips and caught her lips with her own. She kissed her tenderly, thinking that at any second Alicia would pull away and laugh. But Alicia returned it, moving her mouth against Heidi's. The current, the heat that spread from where their lips met was unlike anything she had ever felt. Was this really happening? Heidi backed off and checked Alicia's eyes and saw desire there; the other girl was trembling and her chest was heaving. Heidi pressed her lips against Alicia's again, this time deeper, her tongue seeking out Alicia's and curling around it. For an indeterminate length of time she left the planet.

When their mouths met, Alicia thought her chest was going to explode. The kiss was so much better than she had imagined it would be, Heidi was soft and warm and her lips were pulling an undeniable cord from her head to her heart and then reaching between her legs. Any inhibitions she'd had melted away and she pressed her body up to Heidi's, backing her against the wall, her hands trailing from her neck to her waist.

"Oh God," Alicia murmured into her skin, she pushed her hands up inside Heidi's shirt. "I've wanted to fuck you for so long. I sit there reading sometimes without taking a word in, just thinking about being between your legs, inside you. Fuck, you feel incredible."

Heidi gasped at the electricity she felt from Alicia's touch and her words. She was having trouble breathing without moaning when the girl rubbed at her breasts through her bra. _Oh my..._ Warning bells went off in her head. This can't happen here, she thought. With great difficulty she detached her mouth from Alicia's again and pulled her hands from under her shirt.

Alicia's heart dropped to her feet, she stepped back and regarded Heidi, her hands falling to her sides, her face flushed.

"Don't you want to?" she asked in desperation.

"I want to. So bad," Heidi said, her voice husky, and Alicia leaned forward to kiss her again. "Stop."

"Why? Heidi, I need you. I've waited for so long." Alicia was close to begging and Heidi found it such a turn on she almost gave in then and there.

"We can't do this here, it's inappropriate. There are people just outside the door and it's a toilet cubicle for crying out loud," she plead her case.

Alicia sobered a little at that.

"You're right," she said, straightening up, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, don't be sorry. I just..." Heidi floundered for the right words. "You're making me so wet and this is the worst place. I feel like everyone is going to know. And ...I don't know if you're sure about this or not." It was definitely not the way she had pictured the day turning out, her attraction towards Alicia was something she figured would remain repressed like all her girl crushes had. She had not seriously considered the possibility that Alicia's suggestive comments meant she felt the same. Heidi was unsure how to proceed, except to know that this wasn't a good place.

"I am so sure," Alicia said, her eyes roving up and down Heidi's body longingly. "You're wet? Fuck, so am I. Damn, that's so hot, knowing that." She rubbed her hands on her hips to try to keep them to herself. "Ah!" she nearly yelled in frustration. "Can't we just go somewhere? Please, Heidi? Now that this is finally out I don't know how long I can last not touching you without losing my mind completely."

"Have you ever been with another woman before?" Heidi asked curiously.

"No. Have you?" Heidi shook her head slowly and Alicia continued. "But I don't want just any woman, I want you. You've been driving me insane the past few weeks. I could make you feel better than any guy could, I'm sure of it, I'll be gentle with you. And I know what your hands are capable of. I want you, Heidi. Come home with me? Right now."

The more Alicia spoke, the more turned on Heidi was getting. She stared at her in fascination.

"You're really into this," she said.

"I've been thinking about it a lot."

"And what happens if we get each other alone and don't know what to do?"

"Fuck that, I don't care, I just want to get you naked."

Although she had some misgivings, for the first time in her life Heidi wanted to give in, relinquish control to the beautiful girl who had captured her heart; Alicia appeared to have no doubts of her own about it and Heidi found that a massive turn-on. She acquiesced easily and, collecting their things, they exited the library.

Alicia managed to keep her hands to herself only until they got to Heidi's car and she climbed behind the wheel, then her hand went straight back under her shirt and started rubbing the skin of her back, she couldn't get enough of the feel of Heidi's body.

As much as Heidi wanted her hands on her, she didn't feel like dying today.

"Control yourself or you're going to make me have an accident before we have a chance to do anything." It was the truth, Heidi's fingers were trembling at the wheel and her concentration on the road was dangerously lacking.

"We'll go to my house, it's closer," Alicia said with certainty and, after what seemed like an eternity, Heidi pulled into Alicia's driveway and they entered the house, fumbling with their coats and shoes.

"Can I kiss you now?" Alicia said looking into her eyes, but did not wait for her to answer, she lunged at her.

Heidi's concern about how to proceed was clearly unwarranted; Alicia was forceful, resuming her position backing Heidi against the wall and kissing her deeply now she finally felt like she could, her hands desperate to explore her body.

"Where's the bedroom?" Heidi asked. If they were going to do this, she wanted to do it properly. Alicia led her by the hand into a large, double bedroom and after another long kiss she stepped back and regarded her.

"Take your clothes off. I want to see you," she said and Heidi obediently stripped down to her underwear. She had expected Alicia to do the same, but the other girl just watched then stood staring at her with open hunger.

"Wow, look at you. Fuck me, you're perfect," Alicia could barely believe this was hers to touch. She needed to savour the vision for a few moments.

Heidi cocked her head and reached out to unbutton Alicia's shirt.

"Not yet," Alicia said, grasping her hands. "Just let me..." she trailed off and stepped closer. She was shaking, but so was Heidi so she wasn't embarrassed by it and was even more excited at the evidence of their effect on each other. Her lips on Heidi's, she unhooked her bra and slipped it off. She slid her hands up and down Heidi's bare skin in absolute awe. Her breasts were so perfect, her nipples hardened like they were begging to be licked. Alicia kissed her way down her neck and clavicle and then latched her mouth onto a nipple. With Heidi's hands buried in her hair, she sucked greedily and heard the sharp intakes of breath in response. The sensation of wrapping her mouth around Heidi's nipples and the sound of her responding was almost too much for Alicia, the throbbing between her legs intensified. This was happening.

"Lie down on the bed," she told her. Heidi was surprised by Alicia's demanding approach but she was way too into it to protest. She did as she was told and Alicia finally removed her own shirt and skirt and lay down beside her, never taking her eyes off Heidi for fear she might disappear. Her hands went straight back to Heidi's breasts and her grey eyes regarded her lustfully. "You're a dirty girl, aren't you?"

"No, I'm a good girl."

"Mm, so I'm corrupting you?"

"Yes. You're awful, a demon."

"My angel," Alicia breathed and kissed her way down Heidi's body, pulling her underwear off impatiently. She felt Heidi's hands grasping for her own breasts and pushed them away. "Stop! I want to do things to you first. You aren't allowed to touch me yet, if you do, you'll cast a spell on me with those hands. You'll get your chance." She felt something close to pain in her chest. "I need to make you feel good." She ran a palm and fingers lightly over the well-groomed hair between Heidi's legs. "Don't you want me to make you feel good?"

"I do feel good."

"We can do better."

"What will you do?" Heidi asked meekly, Alicia's vocal style was provocative.

"You're obsessed with maintaining control. I'm going to take control of you. Don't worry, Heidi, I'll be very gentle." She smiled wickedly and pushed Heidi's legs wide apart. She could smell the scent of Heidi's arousal, it was tantalizing. To think that she was responsible for it made her head spin. "Do you trust me?" she asked, sensing Heidi's vulnerability.

"No."

"I won't hurt you. I'm going to put my fingers inside you now. First one, then two, then three. As long as it's okay with you."

"You're a talker." Heidi liked it. "Are you going to narrate this whole thing?"

"Maybe I am. Do you have a problem with that?" Alicia ran her fingers around the slick, taut skin at the entrance to Heidi's vagina and watched her gasp in response.

"No," she rasped, "no problem." She pushed herself toward Alicia's hand and moaned when she slipped one, then two of her fingers inside her. She was well lubricated, it was smooth, easy but Alicia felt her clench around her intrusive fingers. She pushed a third finger in and began a gentle rhythm. It took Alicia a few moments of stunned, silent shock at the sensation before she finally managed to verbalize her feelings.

"Oh my God, you feel amazing. You really do like me, don't you?" she watched Heidi groan and writhe; so much for the possibility Heidi wasn't a sexual person. "I can't believe you're letting me do this. The most beautiful girl I've ever known letting me inside her like this. _You_ , Heidi. Does that feel good?"

Heidi had genuine difficulty responding with words but managed eventually.

"Yes. Yes."

"You're so tight, you _are_ a good girl, aren't you? Do you want it faster?"

"Yes," Heidi gasped and Alicia increased her pace.

"I've never seen you look so beautiful, fuck, this is the most unbelievable feeling ever. My angel. You're mine now. Do you like me fucking you?" Alicia was absolutely loving the act but wanted more, she wanted to know that this beautiful angel was hers completely, she needed to know it. "Do you like me inside you, Heidi?" she repeated.

"Yes."

"Tell me you want it. Tell me you're mine."

"I want it... I'm yours..." Heidi answered with difficulty, she didn't want Alicia to stop talking. Her toes curled into the sheets and she ground herself off the bed, Alicia burning into her brain and her flesh. Visceral sensations had taken over completely.

"As soon as I touch your clit you'll come, won't you? Do you want to come? Yeah, you want to. But I want you to cum against my tongue, not my hand."

"Oh, fuck." Heidi liked that idea so much and she watched Alicia move herself into position and dip her head down, barely interrupting the pace of her fingers. The sensation she felt when Alicia put her tongue against her screaming clit was so powerful she cried out and buried her hands in her silky hair. She could not hold off for long at this rate and when Alicia began actually sucking on her clit, probing her g-spot with her flexed tongue her climax built quickly then exploded, rocking through her. She clutched desperately at Alicia's head, pushing it into her. It was the most powerful orgasm she had ever had and seemed to come in endless waves.

When they subsided she relaxed her arched body back onto the sheets. Alicia pulled her fingers from her and a rush of warm moisture followed them. Heidi felt it, she couldn't stop it.

"Oh wow, you _did_ like that, didn't you? Don't move, I'm going to clean you up." And as Heidi lay trying to regain her composure she felt Alicia's tongue lapping at her juices, working its way into her sensitive folds. She had reached orgasm so quickly and she desperately hoped that it would not be the only chance she got, but she could not allow Alicia to be down there for long or it was going to become all about her again too soon.

"Okay, enough," she said and pulled Alicia up to taste herself on her lips.

"But I haven't got it all," Alicia protested. The feeling of pure joy at having Heidi push her face into her that way had been overpowering and she wanted to reap the rewards.

"If you keep going I'll want to come again."

"Good. I like your hands on the back of my head."

"I'm sorry," Heidi was breathing more easily now. "I lost control. I shouldn't have grabbed you like that."

"It was the most awesome thing that's ever happened to me. Let me keep going, please?"

"But it's my turn now. Like you promised." Heidi pushed her onto her back and straddled her, looking down at her beautiful face.

"I should warn you, my boobs are really, really sensitive at the moment."

"Oh yes, premenstrual?"

"It's good to be in bed with someone who understands these things," Alicia chuckled.

"Anyway, I think it just means they deserve extra special attention." Heidi began running her fingers lightly over her breasts and Alicia's nipples immediately hardened even more than they had been and her expression changed to one of intensity, not unlike pain. "Am I hurting you?"

"No. No, it feels like heaven."

Heidi continued with the tickling then switched to a slightly heavier rubbing, dragging her fingers against Alicia's nipples and she felt her hips grind upward toward her nakedness; this was actually happening, she had the girl, the beautiful reader from the library, underneath her. Alicia looked so perfect in those moments, her grey eyes looking up at Heidi with lustful vulnerability. She bent down and began flicking her tongue over a stiff, dark nipple, pulled it softly between her lips then wrapped her mouth around it and sucked at it, swirling her tongue around its hardness.

Alicia had never felt anything so soft and yet powerful, electrical, in her life. She felt like she was leaking so badly between her legs the mattress would get wet but she did not want the suckling to stop. She moaned, grinding herself against Heidi's lower body and slid her hands against the silky skin of her ass, hips, waist, shoulders, neck. Heidi seemed to know exactly how to treat her sensitive breasts; not surprising, considering she was a woman too. _Oh my God._ Her hands gliding against her perfect figure, it hit Alicia a thousand-fold that she was with this gorgeous creature. This _woman_.

"Fuck," she moaned in ecstasy. This had been a long time coming.

Unlike Alicia had been, Heidi seemed in no hurry to finish things and when she finally did put her hand between Alicia's legs, slipping them briefly against her clit, her rhythm as she slid them in and out was excruciatingly slow.

Her pinkie finger fell against Alicia's ass, not penetrating her at all, just moving against her entrance in rhythm to her other fingers. It was saying hello, introducing itself and it added an entirely new scope and depth to the experience. Heidi was concentrating on the main attraction and could not manoeuvre her fingers properly to do everything at once, but Alicia liked the sensation a lot and fleetingly hoped she would meet this finger again, properly sometime. She would enjoy anything with Heidi; she wanted her to do things she'd never done before. She was quickly becoming a slave to Heidi's hands.

"Your hands," she rasped, wanting to acknowledge the experience verbally. "Amazing. Faster, Heidi. Oh fuck," she trailed off with a gasp. Heidi increased her pace so marginally she wouldn't have recognized it if she hadn't been in such a hypersensitive state. "Yes. Fuck me. _Fuck_ me."

"Shhh," Heidi soothed. "Just relax. Let me take care of you," she whispered close to her ear then began to lick her lobe, nibble on it.

"Oh my God," Alicia's eyes rolled back into her skull. "Oh, baby, yes. Heidi, please. I can't last long," her words came out in short bursts. "Please, faster. I want to come so bad."

"Just a little longer. This is beyond perfect."

Alicia was almost sobbing, tears ran from the corners of her eyes and eventually Heidi took pity on her. She repositioned her hand so that it was sliding against her clit and felt the tension around her fingers tighten and Alicia's whole body stiffen as she gasped with this new dimensionality. She quickened her movements.

"Try to stay relaxed," Heidi whispered. "There's no rush." Alicia shifted her tension and tried to calm down. "That's it... Good girl." But as soon as Alicia heard that, Heidi calling her a good girl in the wickedest possible way, her whole body went still for a fraction of a second and then began shuddering almost violently, stars crashed behind her eyes and she came close to screaming. Her orgasms had always been fairly vocal but nothing quite like this. Heidi kept a constant, deep pressure and rhythm until her climax subsided and even then did not relinquish it entirely. She kept her fingers inside her and lightly pushed on her clit and as she did this Alicia felt the walls of her vagina contract around her fingers again and again, aftershocks of the orgasm pulsing through her.

Heidi watched closely while the muscles in her body began to relax and her breathing slowed; finally she opened her smoky, dark eyes and her expression was priceless. Heidi stared back and, freeing her fingers from their cramped, slick quarters, brought them to her mouth and sucked on them greedily.

"You called me baby and you're quite loud when you come. It's hot," she teased and Alicia laughed self-consciously. "I guess we've both been with a woman now."

"I am so not done with you yet," Alicia said as she wrapped her arms tightly around Heidi and snuggled into her. She wasn't thinking about anything in particular, just revelling in the feel of Heidi's body against hers and a delirium of contentment she'd never experienced like this before. She concentrated on the sound of Heidi's breathing, the smell of her, the idea of her; her angel, finally so close.

After a few minutes wrapped in Alicia's arms, Heidi thought she must have fallen asleep and started to move. She felt the grip around her shoulder tighten immediately.

"I finally have you in my bed, you're crazy if you think I'm letting you leave," Alicia said firmly.

"Are you going to keep me here all day?"

"A day? I'm _never_ letting you leave."

Heidi turned to face her, smiled and kissed her.

"You are so beautiful," she said.

"You realize that I'm completely infatuated with you, don't you?" Alicia tightened her grip around Heidi more.

"Today maybe, tomorrow, we'll see." Despite her words Heidi couldn't keep the smile from her face.

"You really think I'll change my mind tomorrow?"

"I'm never sure of anything with you, it's what makes it so interesting."

"It doesn't matter. I have you now and I'm not letting you leave."

"You know, you're kind of domineering."

"And you're kind of a tease."

"Me? Look at the way you've been treating me for the last few weeks. But _I'm_ the tease?"

"True," Alicia laughed, "my behaviour's been terrible. You are just so... Actually, I've never been dominant before. Then again all my sexual experiences have been with clumsy, selfish little boys."

"Finally finding your feet?"

"Finding something that's for sure. You make me feel things I've never felt. You know, everything I said to you has been true. I said it in the worst possible way but I really was thinking about what it would be like to fuck you with a strap-on." Alicia watched Heidi's expression. "Oh, see, that look right there. Precious. First shock then desire, you want it too."

"You have a dirty mouth."

"You love it. You know how I know? Because every time I said something dirty I felt you squeeze my fingers a little tighter. The pussy doesn't lie. Tell me, Heidi, tell me you want me to fuck you like a man would."

"I'm sure it would be better than a man. Why? Do you have a strap-on lying around here somewhere?"

"You _do_ want it." A look of regret passed over Alicia's features. "No, but I'll get one."

"Are you bored with our sex already?"

"Like hell. But you and me? If I have my way we're just getting started. Now I know what I can do for you. Tell me you want this too. Please?"

"I don't know. I mean, there might be someone else who can do more for me."

"See, that's what I'm talking about, that attitude -you are such a fucking tease. I'm going to do bad, bad things to you if you don't tell me right now that it's me you want."

"I guess you better start doing the bad things to me then."

"You're a filthy Catholic girl, I knew it all along. Come into the shower with me, I have an idea."

"Hmm, do I even want to know?"

"I'm going to shave you smooth then you're going to shave me and I'm gonna fuck you clit on clit. I haven't seen your orgasm face yet and I want to see if we can come together."

"Oh my," Heidi felt herself start to throb in anticipation. "You are bad."

"But you will do it. You have that look again. Fuck, you are so Goddamn sexy."

*

Later, with the last light of the day creeping in through the curtains they lay talking quietly, feet and legs curling together. It felt right, their skin, their warmth against each other; sensual affection with the constant potential to become explosively sexual. Neither had foreseen the day ending this way when they'd woken that morning.

Alicia ran her fingers over the scar below Heidi's ribcage.

"How did you get it?" she asked softly. "The stalker did this to you?"

"Uh-huh."

"You're lucky he didn't kill you."

"I don't think he intended to use the knife. But I fought back. Hard."

"Are you really still making excuses for him?"

Heidi stared up at the ceiling.

"I don't want to talk about it now. I just want to enjoy being here with you. He's hurt me enough, I'm done with it."

"As usual you're right," Alicia sighed and kissed the scar. "Do you think the regulars at the library will know we slept together?"

"The way I pulled you into the wheelchair toilet and then we rushed out of the library looking all flushed and worked up, they might know something's going on, but I doubt they'll pay it too much attention. Does it matter?"

"Not to me. You know these people, care about them. Are you saying this is more than just a sex thing for you?"

"I want it to be more," Heidi admitted. "I really like you, Alicia."

"I'm so happy to hear you say that. Why didn't you _tell_ me you liked women?"

"I was pretty sure you knew; your teasing was relentless and my reaction was revealing. I figured it was written all over my face every time you said something suggestive. Seemed like you knew what you were doing."

"But I didn't, it wasn't obvious to me. I was starting to think you were asexual." Heidi smacked her leg lightly. "I wish I'd told you before now, but I was afraid." Alicia looked thoughtful. "I remember when it started. I was reading about the Second Circle in _Inferno_. You and I had only spoken a couple of times but I suddenly had a vision of you naked. I assumed I was allowing myself to be too open to suggestion -the Second Circle is Lust. But a seed had been planted and no matter how much I tried to rationalize my way out of it and suppress the images in my head, my fantasies about you began to take shape, then spin out of control. In the end, I wasn't trying to stop them, I was enjoying them. That foot massage made things exponentially worse. Was that your plan from the start, to seduce me with a foot rub?"

"No!" Heidi peered at her face outlined in the darkness. "I've never taken my attraction for other women seriously before. That night at my flat all I wanted was to make you smile, to make you feel a little less terrible. Maybe I always wanted you but I would never have tried anything, I was just happy we were friends."

"You were _never_ going to tell me?"

"You told me you weren't a lesbian. That day in the library, for a moment I honestly thought you were going to kiss me, then you said that and it actually hurt. Afterwards I heard about you and Nick and I prepared myself to have to face you being together. It would have been hard but I would have dealt with it."

"Nick! Ew. I can be pathetic sometimes, I can't believe I said that. It's a bit disturbing to imagine how close we came to not knowing, to not being here like this. And also how bad I was treating you, you really are an angel to have put up with it so well."

"I guess we both just had things wrong. I've been teased by girls before, it's not a new experience for me. I went to a girls-only school, I got hit on by friends a lot."

"Really? That makes me kind of jealous actually. But you've never been with a girl?"

"No. I mean, back then things were different, those girls were just experimenting and it all seemed pretty sad and immature to me. They'd make out with each other at lunch time then go fuck guys after school. I considered myself above it, I've always been like that, placing myself on a pedestal. Pretty cold, really."

"So you rejected them but you didn't reject me..." Alicia liked that idea a lot.

"No, well, I have feelings for you, I couldn't have said no even if I'd wanted to."

"That's why you put up with the teasing for so long."

"I lost my patience in the end."

"I deserved it. But this is not just an experiment for me, my feelings are real. And if you hadn't lost your patience with me I might never have told you about them."

"You're right. It is a disturbing thought," Heidi didn't want to go there so she changed tactic. "Was the spanking a genuine fantasy too?"

"That may have been more to get a rise out of you. But yes, I want to do bad things to you all the time. You'd have to do something I didn't like first though, earn just punishment," Alicia grinned.

"How'd you get so bad?"

"You inspire me. You know, thinking about it now, maybe the whole dildo thing won't work for me. I do like the feel of you stretching and contracting around my fingers, oh my God ...the best."

Heidi smiled in agreement.

"But don't think you're getting out of being fucked properly strap-on style, I still really want to try it at least."

"What makes you think I want to get out of it? Want me to put on my old school uniform?"

"Oh... Dirty girl; that gives me chills."

Alicia pushed her mouth into Heidi's neck and sucked greedily at her silky skin, wanting to mark it as her own.

Chapter 6

All of her tedious Monday at work Alicia couldn't get Heidi out of her head, the 12 hours they'd spent together had been the best of her life, no question. She learnt more about herself than she had the last 22 years. It both scared and thrilled her beyond imagining. She texted and arranged to meet her for dinner that night. When she arrived at the restaurant Heidi was already there and her breath caught in her throat as she watched her for a minute before finally going in and sitting down opposite unable to stop staring. She was wearing an unusually business-like collared shirt and a deep blue, silk scarf around her neck which brought out her eyes; her blond hair was swept back in a side braid, and she had gold loops dangling from her ears -she looked spectacular. Heidi stared back at her evenly. Alicia liked how they didn't need to say anything, it was all right there, in their expressions.

"What the hell are you wearing?" Alicia chuckled.

"Are you kidding me? This is your fault. My neck looks like a fucking fang-fest, I won't be able to show it for weeks."

"Aw. Poor Heidi. You're mine. People should know that."

"Succubus."

"Temptress. I've been thinking about you all day."

"What were you thinking?"

Alicia kept her grey eyes focused on Heidi's blue ones, intent.

"All this time you've been making me feel like I'm the tease when it's so obvious to me now that you had the upper hand all along," she said to her quietly.

"That is not true!" Heidi protested quickly. "I can't believe this is happening. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and none of it will have been real... But I can see how you would think that," she admitted finally.

"Saucy minx. I'm going to get you for that. I've never met someone who's managed to outsmart me like this. It's so fucking hot. I have plans for you developing in my head, you do challenge me."

"Plans? Suddenly I'm a little scared. You realize I never did anything to hurt you, everything I did was to try to make you happy... I'm shy, that's all."

"Shyness is an act of self-indulgence."

" _Life_ is an act of self-indulgence."

"You've got no right to be shy, looking like you do." Alicia could see Heidi's nakedness imprinted in her memory. Her body was unbelievable underneath those pesky clothes. "And I don't really believe you."

"Don't you remember how flustered I was when you first started talking to me at the library?"

"Mm, yes I do." Alicia's eyes ran over her cravingly. Why had they arranged to meet here? She needed to be alone with her so badly. In that moment she wanted to devour her, to become a part of her. "You will be mine. Always," she demanded.  
"I've been yours since the moment I first saw you. You haven't realized it yet, but you will. I don't give myself like this to just anyone."

"Shut up. You don't tell me things. I tell you."

She felt Heidi's hand on her leg under the table and Alicia glanced around the restaurant, but no one was paying attention to them.

"You haven't changed your mind then?" Heidi asked and she laughed at the idea.

"Tell me you want this too? Us?" Alicia said.

"I want this. I've been thinking about you all day as well. You've ruined me."

"Excellent. I like the sound of that word. Ruined. Mm. What have you been thinking about?"

"Your skin, your lips, the way you taste, the way you talk. And," Heidi paused. "Not to be a mood killer, but you make me really happy. I've never felt so happy," she said with such sincerity Alicia positively purred.

"Does that mean I can stay at your place tonight?"

"Of course, I'll invite some people around, have a party."

"Don't you dare! Damn tease. Fuck, you're infuriating. I could take you right here on this table, in front of all these people."

"Really..." Heidi slid her hand a little higher.

"Okay, you better stop that or I'm going to lose control," she warned. "I have a gift for you."

"A wedding ring? Already? It's true what they say about lesbians then."

"Not quite," Alicia smiled slyly at her.

"Where is this mysterious gift?" Heidi raised her eye-brows. "You're not going to give it to me?"

"It's in the car. And yes, I'm _really_ going to give it to you."

She could swear she saw Heidi's pupils dilating right in front of her, it was a perfect moment. She wasn't sure how long she could keep up this charade. Why were they still here? But Alicia had, throughout the day, resolved to exercise a little more self-control than she had previously. It was unacceptable that Heidi always be the one to remain calm and not let things overwhelm her. Alicia could play hard to get when she wanted to _. No, I can't, I can't do this. I want her now._ But Heidi hadn't touched her food yet ...which was a good sign.

"You're not hungry?" she asked casually and Heidi glanced down at her plate then looked back up and narrowed her eyes, she smiled at Alicia whose heart melted and body tingled. "You should eat. Or do you want to be here all night?" She watched as Heidi began forking food into her mouth without even looking at it, her eyes remained on Alicia's. The spot on her leg where her hand had been felt cold and naked now. They ate in silence, their eyes locked, Alicia had never done anything like it before. It was incredibly arousing, she couldn't be sure what was happening inside Heidi's head but hers was full to the brim of flesh on flesh. It must look very strange to someone observing it from the outside, she thought briefly, but was far from caring.

*

Six weeks into her blossoming relationship with Heidi, Alicia arrived at the library to seek her out. She understood Heidi was a creature of habit, uncomfortable with straying too far from her normal routine unless it was properly scheduled; Alicia liked that about her. She had forced herself to stay home alone the night before. Just to see if she could do it, just to see how hard it would be. It had been almost impossible; unable to sleep she had got up and started cleaning the house obsessively to distract herself.

When she thought about it in depth, it wasn't even the sex that she needed so badly. It was those moments after their talked died away and they fell asleep together. The feel of Heidi's breath against her skin and that strange habit she had of rubbing her toes absently against Alicia's. If she'd been told about something like this two months ago she would have laughed and thought it sounded absurd but now it was a tactile lullaby; unbelievably comforting. It was very hard to get to sleep without it.

When Alicia arrived at the library on Saturday morning she found a man sitting way too close and talking quietly to Heidi. The scene sparked a flare of anger inside her probably made ten times worse by her sleepless night. She strode towards them, furious.

"What's going on?" she demanded and Heidi smiled at her, calm and collected as usual. "Who is this guy?" Then, as if to prove a point, she leaned down and kissed Heidi full on the lips. Heidi appeared surprised by the move but quickly recovered and introduced them.

"Alicia this is Lucas. Lucas, meet Alicia."

"We're together," Alicia said defiantly to Lucas who was staring from one to the other, mouth hanging open.

"Hi," he held out his hand to her finally. " _You_ two are together?"

"We are," Heidi confirmed.

"Wow, I didn't know you, um...Wow, what a pair. Fuel my fantasies forever, why don't you."

"Neither of us want to hear about that."

He grinned and Alicia scowled at him.

"Okay, well, I can take a hint. Seeya, Heidi." He wandered away, looking back at them over his shoulder with a smile.

Heidi raised her eyebrows at Alicia in amusement.

"Possessive much?" she said.

"Damn right, I'm possessive. Your ass is mine." Alicia flopped her head into her arms. "Fuck!"

"Shhh! What's wrong?"

"It's just... Ever since I met you I barely recognize myself anymore. What have you done to me, Heidi?"

"Nothing you didn't want me to, I think. Hey, it's okay, I find it cute that you're jealous."

"I think I know the answer to this but I have to ask anyway. Are you attracted to that guy? He's pretty hot."

"No! Jesus, Alicia," Heidi brushed a dark lock of hair from her face. "We never really talked about this but I don't find men particularly attractive, good-looking or not."

"So, if I catch you talking to a beautiful woman I should be worried?"

Heidi chuckled.

"You are the most beautiful woman I know. It's you and me, isn't it?"

"It better be."

"You think Lucas is hot? Maybe I'm the one who should be worried."

"I don't like men either," Alicia said with a wave of her hand. "I just never realized it fully until I was with you. My encounters with men were laughable by comparison. Did you hear what he said? Apparently we make quite a pair."

"You didn't know that already? Maybe we should put on a show for them."

Alicia ran her eyes over Heidi.

"Mm, don't tempt me." She opened her book and leaned back. "Maybe I can get some reading done today, but first I need you to promise we'll spend tonight together. It'll be easier to concentrate if our plans are certain. I've made some decisions about next year and I want to hear what you think. Promise?"

"Absolutely," Heidi smiled and went back to her computer.

Alicia maintained concentration for an hour only before her thoughts began to stray to her plans for later and her eyes back toward Heidi. It was a little ridiculous, she had Heidi now and she still couldn't get enough of her. She supposed that she just wasn't used to the feeling yet; she'd never assumed it would be like this.

"I missed you last night," she said.

"Really?" Heidi looked up, pleased. "I figured you were having an off night and wanted time to yourself or I would have come around. It's okay you need your space sometimes, I'll take whatever I can get."

"I didn't need space, I just wanted to see how hard it would be to stay away from you."

"And?"

"It was fucking awful," Alicia said sullenly. "I got up and cleaned the whole house."

"Sounds like something I would do. And weirdly, I just vegged on the couch last night feeling sorry for myself. Maybe we're diluting each other."

"Or infecting each other. Either way I like the idea," Alicia pondered. "That guy earlier? He was sitting too close to you, he obviously wants you."

"Lucas is an ex, that's all. We were together for like a month a couple of years ago, we broke up because I felt nothing for him. He was probably sitting close because he didn't want to talk loudly."

"You _fucked_ that guy?!" Alicia rose from her chair and started to hyperventilate. "I don't feel good about this information at all," she tried to keep her voice calm.

"Alicia, come on. You've got exes, skeletons in your closet too."

"Mine aren't in your face all the time and even if they were I can't see it bothering you the way this is bothering me."

"It's hardly in your face all the time. It was one guy, one time and you got rid of him pretty quickly, didn't you?"

"This isn't funny, Heidi! The idea of some guy or girl coming between us makes me feel like fucking smashing something!"

"Okay," Heidi said calmly. She picked up her phone and started pushing at it.

"What are you doing?" Alicia asked exasperated.

"I'm checking out the rage room. If you want to smash something, let's smash something."

Alicia sank heavily back onto her chair feeling disappointed in herself.

"No. It's okay, I don't need to smash anything. I'm sorry," she said miserably and put her head in her hands. Heidi came and sat in the chair next to her, pulled it close and grasped her by the shoulders.

"Look into my eyes," she said and Alicia did. "I'm _in love_ with you. No one is going to come between us. But if you need to smash something it's okay."

"You love me?" Alicia stared, wide-eyed. "You're not just saying that to get me to calm down?"

"It's the truth. I've never met anyone who even remotely makes me feel the way you do. You are so smart and so beautiful and, despite your best efforts, I know you're a really good person. Not to mention the sexual chemistry. If anyone's going to get hurt in this it will be me."

Alicia pulled her into a tight embrace.

"I would never hurt you. My angel, don't leave me."

"It's not going to happen." Heidi saw faces staring their way. "We appear to be attracting attention. You want to get out of here? We can have lunch at my place and there's something I'd like to talk to you about."

"Yeah, let's go."

In Heidi's kitchen Alicia was breathing more easily.

"Have you made any decisions about your house yet?"

"I've talked to a couple of real estate agents my Dads lawyer recommended. Why?"

"An overseas trip might be good for you," Heidi looked at her cautiously and Alicia cringed inside.

"Are you trying to get rid of me?" she asked and Heidi snorted.

"No, actually, I was thinking we could go somewhere together. Neither of us have important obligations here at the moment, neither of us has travelled much. It's good timing for you because you're in a dead-zone between taking care of your Dad and starting with university and it could be a good break, enlightening. And I've been meaning to take a trip for a long time, I just never really liked the idea of travelling alone."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes. I mean, if you don't want to that's okay. I'm not asking you to make some kind of commitment you're uncomfortable with. It's just an idea."

"But what about..." Alicia felt lost suddenly.

"What about what?"

"My problems. Aren't you getting sick of them?"

"No," she said easily. "Are you getting sick of mine?"

"You don't have problems. All I know is that I can always depend on everything being in the right place when you're around."

"And I can always depend on things being interesting when you're around. I know we haven't been together that long but I know how I feel about you. Do you really think I didn't understand what I was getting myself into when we got together?"

"Sorry, I'm just feeling a little insecure." Alicia gazed at her as she filled the sink. "You have a dishwasher, why wash them by hand?"

"I use it sometimes, but I don't trust it to clean them properly. Besides, I enjoy doing it by hand, I have some of my best thoughts and ideas then."

"You are such a weirdo," she said fondly.

"I know," Heidi agreed. "I'm sorry I brought up going overseas, we don't have to do anything. I just want you to be happy and if you're happy with me then I don't care where we are."

"Where would we go?" Alicia asked curiously.

"Anywhere we want. And whenever we want too. You could let your lawyer take care of the house, I have money on hand. But you don't have to make any decisions now, I just wanted to see if you liked the idea."

"I always wanted to go skiing in Canada." Alicia was catching on to the thought. "Do you ski?"

"Skiing, boarding, hell yes, I do."

"I bet I could kick your ass on the slopes."

"Oh, you are so fucking on."

"Where would you want to go?"

"What about Egypt, the pyramids? Or... You speak fluent German, how about Europe? It'd be cool to stretch your linguistic muscles a bit. We could see if we can find any of your mother's relatives..."

"We could go to Scotland and visit your father," Alicia's habit of turning things around on Heidi was irrepressible.

"Hmm, Scotland, the ultimate destination," Heidi said sarcastically.

"I think it would be interesting, at least the people and the pubs would be." Alicia was quiet for a while. "What about this, before we decide, we could see what we can find out about each other's family. I could look into your Dad's new family and you could see if you can find anything out about my mothers."

"And then what, we break the news to each other in the easiest possible way?"

"Exactly. At least we'll know more what to expect and if we really want to go there. And don't tell me how aware you are that your Dad doesn't give a shit about you. You think it's likely my mother's family would give two fat fucks about me?"

"I quite like the prospect of finding out. If nothing else it would be useful to know our medical backgrounds, any genetic deficiencies that could affect us in the future."

"I could get pretty far with your side of things, knowing so much already, but do you think you could do much with the information I have on my mother?"

"I could try. It's fairly easy with all the online resources and I've actually done something like it before. I'm aware of the roadblocks you can come up against looking into family backgrounds. I'm a nosey writer."

"I don't know though," Alicia said doubtfully. "Do I really want to add insult to injury by contacting Mum's relatives and being rejected?"

"If you think of it that way you're unlikely to be disappointed. At least you can say it's just to get medical information and that might be all you get out of it. But what if you meet someone cool? A grandmother who had lost hope of ever getting in touch with her daughter again, or a cousin who's just like you and you end up forming a life-long bond with?"

"God, and I thought I had a vivid imagination." But Alicia couldn't help feeling particularly warmed by the possibility.

"I'm game if you are," Heidi looked to her like she was the one who needed to make the decision, it seemed her mind was already made up.

"Okay. But whatever comes up, I want you to be my family now. No matter what happens, even if we break up, I want you in my life forever."

"I wouldn't have it any other way. Why, are you thinking of leaving me?"

"I'm thinking of locking you up in my basement and keeping you there as a slave. It's a pity I can't impregnate you, we could have basement babies and screw them up as much as we were."

"And I know how much you love children..."

"Ahh!" Alicia buried her head in Heidi's neck and dug her fingers into her ribs eliciting a peel of laughter.

"Heidi?"

"Mm?"

"You're important to me."

"I hope so."

"But I don't like what happened earlier today. You were sitting way too close to your ex, it pissed me off."

"Oh." Heidi had that look in her eyes again. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I did feel just a bit turned on by Lucas."

"I fucking knew it. You need to be put in your place."

Heidi put her hands on her waist.

"How are you going to do that?" she asked.

Alicia swallowed and pushed her hands away.

"You're going to have to earn your way back up my skirt."

"Would a lap dance and a full body massage work?"

Alicia's flesh tingled.

"We can start there," she said, forcing her voice to remain steady. But her chest was screaming at her that this was not the time to play games and she stepped up close to Heidi, wrapped her arms around her and kissed her.

"All weirdness aside for a minute. I know you're probably just waiting for me to flip out or go off you or whatever and that can't be easy," she said softly. "But I meant what I said, I won't hurt you. You're everything to me. I love you too, I have for a long time. So much it hurts me sometimes. I didn't realize how alone I was before you, and maybe I have come to depend on you, but I don't care anymore because despite my stupid tantrums, I trust you in a way I never thought was possible." She saw a tear form at the corner of Heidi's eye and brushed it away gently. "I can't believe how lucky I was to have met you," she said, a lump in her throat.

"I'm the lucky one," Heidi said and pulled her into the warmest hug she'd ever felt.

"You've changed me. And I'll change more if it means I get to keep you," Alicia promised, squeezing her back.

"I don't want you to change. You've always been perfect."

END

About the Author

I started writing in June 2017. The plan was to write four short stories, all following similar themes and styles. They were to be experimental, to see what I was capable of and which direction my mind would go in. With the third story I swerved off course a bit but that's okay, it was interesting. I think my next four will probably follow more mystery-horror themes than these. Maybe. I have not shown these stories to anyone prior to publishing on smashwords so have had no external input; any feedback at all would therefore be appreciated

Other titles by Sasha McCallum

Bathrooms & Psychiatric Offices

There Will Be Blood

The Lake

The Arrangement

Daughter of Night

Said the Spider

Oculi

Pretty Ugly Place

Tinderbox

Connect with Sasha McCallum

mccallumsasha@gmail.com
Sample of There Will Be Blood

1. A Strange Encounter

Below the tree an image, half formed and swirling in the empty, grey air. A figure of darkness and my blood ran ice cold as I watched it. I heard a humming in my ears, my heart beat faster and it came closer; not moving but growing. I thought of Joseph, could it be him? The dark swirling immediately retracted then disappeared. The cold remained though, and the swirling darkness had left an imprint at the back of my eyes. I shivered.

"You saw it too, didn't you?" a woman's voice said from behind me and I turned and met with liquid green eyes. I was scared and the eyes told me she was too. I looked back at the oak tree in the distance and saw nothing but my eyes lingered. "You saw it, I can tell," the voice behind me repeated and I tore my eyes from the tree. She was beautiful, dressed in black. Was she here for a burial?

"I saw something in the air," I stammered, unable to explain myself logically. "It was nothing."

"The nothing scared you," she said with certainty and I looked away, toward the tree again. I did not want to think about it. "You'll give it power if you pay attention to it. It will use that against you."

I frowned. I could not grasp what she was saying.

"Andrea!" The woman turned and I saw a man wearing similarly dark attire, calling and motioning to her as he headed our way. "Come on," he said from a short distance. The woman put out a hand and clutched my arm, sending a jolt of panic through me. She leaned toward me.

"Don't let it know you see it," she said, hushed and urgent, then turned and walked away with the man.

Haley woke up with a start. She was bathed in cold sweat. Her phone read 6.18am. She immediately got up and went into the shower to try to wash her dreams away. The woman in the graveyard had scared her ...No, it wasn't the woman; it was that she'd seen the same thing Haley had. Was it possible?

She was warm and dry after her shower but it did little to ease the darkness of her thoughts. That would have to wait until her daily boredom swept it away. Without work the days stretched in front of her, impossibly long and empty. She largely ignored concerned calls from family and friends. She stuck to a strict diet, exercise and meditation regimen on autopilot in a desperate attempt to avoid thinking and remembering. Any excess thinking would allow ideas of self-harm to creep in and that was unacceptable. She didn't want to end up in hospital, didn't want to make things any worse than they already were. Dr. Fields told her that if she just stuck to her plans and did what she was told then eventually things would start to get better, that the sinking feeling when she woke up in the morning and which struck her every time she thought of Joseph would lose its power. She doubted it, but the alternative was despair, the alternative was blood and pain. Feeling sorry for herself was not a natural state for her, it was ugly and self-defeating.

She went to a local coffee shop and read. Sometimes, she needed the presence of other, normal, happy people around her, while still remaining essentially alone. It was a part of her slow reintroduction into society, as she vaguely hypothesized, though secretly she thought it might remain her only way of being a part of society forever. She doubted she would ever want much more than this.

It was there that fate chose to knock her autopilot off course. She was reading 'The Prophet' by Kahlil Gibran and it was not particularly interesting.

"May I sit here?"

She looked up, realizing she'd been spoken to. A woman stood over her, she stared around the coffee house; the other tables were occupied so it was unlikely she or the woman had much choice in the matter.

"Yes," she said mechanically and returned her eyes to her book. Her attempt to get through a paragraph was thwarted by the sensation that she was being watched. Perhaps she was expected to make conversation with the stranger; she found many superfluous things were expected of her lately. She looked at the woman who was indeed staring as she dipped a teabag into a disposable cup.

"You don't remember me, do you?" the woman said.

"Sorry," Haley was confused, she wracked her brain and then, giving the woman a long, lingering examination, it dawned on her. The green eyes from the cemetery, the strange encounter. "Yes. The graveyard last week. You were there, you said..." She narrowed her eyes and frowned.

"Not then," the woman responded quickly, as if she didn't want to think about that either. "We went to school together."

"No," Haley denied with confidence. "No, we didn't. I would have remembered you."

The woman looked at her very strangely then, as if she wasn't sure what to make of that. But Haley was convinced; this woman was absolutely beautiful, there was no chance she could have slipped under the radar at Haley's college. She observed her as she frowned into her tea. Her hair was dark and her skin was pale porcelain, her lips pink and full and those liquid green eyes stood out inside rings of black eye-liner. Her eyes didn't sparkle, they reflected nothing; they were the type of eyes that had so much depth they absorbed every glimmer of light around them. Two deep, geothermal pools. She could have stepped off the cover of a magazine if it wasn't for her complete lack of effort in the clothes department. Lack of effort? More like an effort to make herself look less than she was; perhaps she did, perhaps she was one of those people who got too much attention if she dressed nice and she didn't like it. Haley could understand that, she hadn't been making much of an effort herself lately.

"You've changed as well," she said to Haley, as if she could read her thoughts. "You've lost your smile. Life hasn't treated you well."

"Who are you?" She was puzzled now, the woman certainly seemed to know her. The woman laughed in response to this, a somewhat embittered laugh. Her teeth were white, small and straight, her canines dipped lower than the rest, making her appear predatory. She sipped her tea and ignored the question which infuriated Haley. It was nice. To feel something other than emptiness and regret. Anger was welcome here. The woman seemed to know this, there was a mirthful contempt in her eyes suddenly.

Haley stared at those eyes, they appeared to challenge and mock her all at once. It was an odd feeling, as if she were being shown another reality, one separate from the inane chatter and smell of coffee that surrounded them. One separate from the darkness and emptiness of her existence.

