It's another beautiful day in the neighborhood,
you think to yourself as you wake up and peer
outside.
The sun is shining, the birds are... well,
squawking because you live near the beach
which means you only ever see seagulls.
Strange, you swear you remember there being
more species of birds than just seagulls,
hawks, doves and one foul-mouthed parrot.
Whatever, you push those strange bird thoughts
aside and put on your best Mr. Rogers sweater,
then hop outside to get to work.
You climb into your modest, but reliable 2010
Faction, and check traffic before pulling
out of your parking spot.
Traffic is light, come to think of it traffic
is always pretty light and you can't remember
the last time you were stuck in a traffic
jam longer than for thirty seconds.
Golly, your life sure is convenient, you think
to yourself.
As you're driving along you tune in to your
favorite radio station, Radio Los Santos.
Sure, they only play the same like 15 songs,
but hey they're pretty good songs.
Cruising along you're making good time, when
suddenly a brand new Formula 1 race car comes
roaring down the road behind you, blasting
by you at over a hundred miles an hour!
And chasing the super race car is a... wait,
is that a hoverbike?
Yes, it's in fact a hoverbike, and the rider
is busy unloading a submachine gun into the
speeding Formula 1 race car.
You immediately take the next right, not sure
of what in the world you just saw but eager
to get the hell out of the way.
This street is a bit more serene, and you
put as much distance as you can between yourself
and the high-speed car chase.
You think about calling the cops for a second,
but just then a police car comes screaming
by you, heading towards the duo you left behind.
Somehow in this city the cops just sort of
know when something bad's going on, and they
always seem to be just around the corner.
It's.. kind of convenient, but you suddenly
realize it's also kind of terrifying.
Just what kind of oppressive police state
are you living in where local police have
every nook and cranny of a city under so much
surveillance, they can respond to any crime
in seconds?
Well, at least this time the cops are going
after the bad guys.
You see another police car coming your way
and this one looks like he's really in a hurry
to get to the crime scene.
You're glad to see the police are so motivated
today, having gang members shooting each other
in broad daylight while riding hoverbikes
and Formula One race cars is kind of terrifying.
Suddenly though this police car careens completely
out of control, looks like the driver took
a turn a bit too hard, and he crashes into
the car right in front of you.
The cop car flips on its roof, and you slam
the brakes on your car.
You roll down your window in shock, “Oh
my god, are you ok?!” you yell at the officer
pulling himself out of the wreckage.
Except you realize it's not an officer at
all, it's... well, it's a guy in a tuxedo
with pink hair, and he's now running straight
at you!
The pink hair tuxedo guy rips you out of your
car and throws you on the ground as he hops
in, slamming into the car behind him as he
desperately tries to speed away.
A moment later, a freaking jet fighter roars
by overhead and a missile slams directly into
your modest, but always reliable 2010 Faction.
The blast blows you backwards thirty feet,
but incredibly you're still alive.
In moments, a fire truck is pulling up onto
the scene, hosing down the flaming wreckage
of what used to be your car, and the skeletal
remains of the pink hair tuxedoed car jacker
you're guessing.
You can't believe it, you almost had finished
all the payments on that car too!
As you're trying to pull yourself together
though, a man in striped pajamas goes running
up to the fire truck and to your complete
amazement, climbs into the cab and steals
it!
The fire truck is roaring down the street
in minutes, and you can practically hear the
driver laughing maniacally as it smashes other
drivers out of the way.
Despite the madness behind them though, drivers
still ahead of the oncoming firetruck act
completely normal, and don't even bother to
get out of the way.
The firetruck's rampage goes unchecked, at
least until another driver, this time in a
vehicle that looks like a car ramp, comes
flying down the street, straight at the firetruck.
As you stare incredulously, the firetruck
gets ramped straight up into the air as the
second car slides directly underneath it,
and as the firetruck comes crashing down it
explodes in a shower of flames and shrapnel
directly on top of a minivan.
That causes the minivan to explode, which
sets off a chain reaction of exploding cars
down the street!
You've had it, you don't know what in the
world is going on in your formerly peaceful
city, but absolute pandemonium seems to have
broken out.
You run screaming down the nearest street,
only to come across a man dressed as a clown
shooting a laser gun at another man dressed
like a filthy hobo santa.
The man in the santa outfit though seems to
be armed with a chaingun of some sort, and
absolutely shreds the laser gun clown.
You're hyperventilating at this point, so
you duck into a nearby convenience store,
you need to get off the street and calm your
frayed nerves.
There's something seriously wrong with the
world today, and you run to the clerk behind
the counter, begging him to call the cops,
the military, the governor... anybody!
The clerk completely ignores you though and
simply asks, “You gonna buy something?!
If not, you go, get out!”.
That's when another customer punches you in
the face, sending you flying against a nearby
shelf.
A second punch drops you to the floor, and
you don't know what's going on, but you decide
to just stay down.
Incredibly, after the second punch, a bunch
of money falls on the ground next to you,
and you realize that money is the $187 dollars
you had in your bank account!
How the money materialized here onto this
dirty convenience store floor from your bank
account is beyond you, but at this rate it's
the least weird thing that's happened today.
The convenience store clerk begins yelling
though, having witnessed a crime.
He pulls out a small revolver and starts shooting
at your robber, who pulls out a freaking bazooka
out of nowhere and blasts the clerk into oblivion.
Just like clockwork though, you can hear the
squealing of tires and the ringing of police
sirens, as outside the store a dozen cops
immediately appear.
The inside of the store turns into a shooting
gallery as the police unload and fill the
place with lead.
You decide it's best to keep your head down,
and doing your best not to scream like a little
frightened girl, you crawl behind another
shelf, trying to stay out of the line of fire.
The robber turns the bazooka on the cops,
blowing one of the parked cop cars and like
six officers to kingdom come, but in a haze
of gunfire the robber is brought down.
You thank your lucky stars, and stumble out
of the store, calling for one of the cops.
“Officer, officer!
You gotta help me, something is seriously
wrong!”
But the officers don't respond, instead they
slowly saunter back to their vehicles and
climb in.
One of them seems to have trouble navigating
the curb and just sort of walks in place,
not moving anywhere.
You can't believe your eyes, they just killed
a robber with a freaking bazooka!
There's at least like six dead cops laying
around, and everyone just seems like they're
ready to go back about their business.
Shouldn't someone call a mortician or, you
don't know, like file a report or something?
Then, right in front of your eyes, a futuristic
tank comes roaring by, slamming straight into
the cop cars in its way.
The cars explode on impact, and you count
the death toll at like, maybe another half
dozen dead cops?
You're still trying to process what just happened
when you hear the city come alive with the
sound of police sirens.
Whoever this driver in the futuristic tank
is, they clearly are now the most wanted person
in the city.
The tank begins to blow police cars away with
its cannon, and suddenly from seemingly out
of nowhere, police in full body armor begin
to appear.
Right now you're grateful to see them, but
seriously, you're really starting to have
concerns about what kind of super police-state
you're living in where fully armored and heavily
armed police officers can just show up out
of nowhere.
Well, body armor or no, they don't stand a
chance against the tank.
Then a Batmobile, well, it's not called that,
but it's basically a Batmobile, comes tearing
down the road.
As it passes the tank you can see the driver
of the Batmobile toss what looks like some
sort of explosive onto the tank, quickly followed
by two or three more.
Then the Batmobile's tires shriek like a wounded
dragon as it peels away, and you can see the
driver's hand sticking out the window holding
what looks like... yep, it's a detonator.
In one blinding flash of light, the tank,
and like a dozen civilian vehicles, are all
no more.
You're on your feet again, running, and stumbling
straight into pedestrians as you try to flee
to safety.
The pedestrians all give you rude comments
as you rush by, and you can't understand it-
why isn't everyone running for their lives!
A freaking tank just blew up like two dozen
police cars, only to be blown skyhigh itself
by someone in a Batmobile!
And that's by far the least insane thing that's
happened today!
Why is everyone acting so damn normal!
You really need a moment to catch your breath,
it's been an absolutely insane day so far,
so you head to the quiet sanctity of a nearby
city park.
There, far from the streets, you pause and
try to collect your thoughts.
You don't know what's going on today, but
it seems like the world's turned upside down.
Weirdly though, you also have a thought in
the back of your mind that literally all of
this is pretty much a daily occurrence.
In fact, as more of the day goes by, you kind
of feel more and more at home with the wanton
violence, terrorism, and absolute mayhem that
passes for a normal day around this city.
You're kind of starting to understand why
the pedestrians seem to always run away from
mayhem but then pretty quickly just go on
back to acting totally normal as soon as they're
far away enough.
That's why you don't even blink when as you're
chilling on a park bench, minding your own
business, a semi-truck comes crashing through
a hedgerow and mows down like eight joggers.
Chasing the semi is a rocket-powered motorcycle,
being ridden by a woman wearing a fedora and
lumberjack shirt.
Yep, totally normal when she gets off her
rocket-powered motorcycle, pulls out a plasma
machine gun, and absolutely wrecks the semi-truck
trying to speed away.
As the smoke from the flaming wreck dies down
and the all-too familiar wail of police sirens
sounds in the distance, you nod to yourself-
yep, just another totally normal, average
day living in San Andreas.
You don't even realize that now it's you who's
acting totally normal as the city literally
burns around you, and maniacs dressed like
clowns, homeless santa clauses, and lumberjacks
do their best to annihilate each other.
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