[MUSIC PLAYING]
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Hello.
Thank you for coming.
It's a pleasure being
here for all of us.
Today, I'm going to talk
really briefly, but hopefully
usefully, about what we do
and give you a taste of it
as well in our philosophical
meditation, which is one
of our most loved exercises.
So, first, we'll talk about what
we do at The School of Life.
Then we'll talk about what
emotional intelligence is,
how we see it at
The School of Life.
We'll talk about why it's
so important at work.
And, also, we'll talk about
how we at The School of life
teach emotional intelligence in
our classes, in our workshops,
in our events, and sort
of our technique there.
And, finally, you'll
get to try it out.
So you'll have a sense
of how it works for you
or how one of our exercises
works for you in any case.
So to start, let me
tell you a little bit
about what we do at
The School of Life.
We are a global organization
dedicated to developing
emotional intelligence.
And we have 10 locations
around the world,
but we operate in even
more countries than that.
We have, first of all,
concrete classrooms
where people can go and
take workshops and classes
on particular emotional
topics, as was mentioned.
So we teach things like how to
make love last, and the meaning
of life, and how
to fail, or things
about how to be calm,
how to cope with anxiety.
We're teaching the
types of skills
that you might wish that
you had learned in school,
but generally aren't covered.
And, in particular, we're
trying to save people
a little bit of time and grief.
Because these are things
that, otherwise, we
tend to learn sometimes
through really hard experience.
So we'd like to save
you a little bit
of that pain and a little
bit of that time learning
by doing some thinking upfront.
You can see here some of
the things that we do.
That's our classroom in
London in Bloomsbury.
And you can always come by.
We've also got a store
front in most of our places
where you can purchase some
of our books and products.
Sometimes we have big events.
And those are really interesting
on different emotional topics.
And, finally, we've got
locations in lots of places.
So that's a little map of
where our locations are.
In particular, we tend to focus
our work on two areas of life.
And this guy says it
even better than we do.
This is Sigmund Freud.
We're very fond of Freud and
of psychotherapy in general.
We really believe that it's
beneficial for everyone
at some point in their life.
Freud said of his patients,
"love, and work, work and love.
That's all there is."
And by that, he meant
that, on the whole,
that was where people
came to him to talk about.
That was the area in their
life where they really
needed to explore.
And we find it's the same
at The School of Life.
People come, and
they want to talk
about how to build
fulfilling relationships
and how to make it work
fulfilling as well.
So over the last 10 years--
because we were found in 2008.
We're just hitting
our second decade.
Over the last 10
years, we've been
learning a lot about what people
are concerned about at work,
what tends to trouble
them, what tends to help,
what tends to make
work go really well.
And after a while, people
started coming to us
and saying, you know
that amazing thing
that you taught me
about listening,
or about empathy,
or about patience,
or about keeping calm?
I'd really love to
bring it to my office.
I'd love to bring it to my team.
Can you come in and teach
our team that thing?
Or can we do an exercise with my
whole organization about this,
perhaps?
So we began to sort of develop
our thinking around what people
needed in the workplace.
And we began to provide
services to businesses
and organizations.
And, eventually, we decided
that, roughly, there
were about 20 things
that people really
needed to know in order to
do well at work in terms
of emotional intelligence.
These are the ones.
And you can see there are
lots of different things,
so things like adaptability,
diplomacy, playfulness,
self-awareness,
resilience, right?
This is more or less
the types of things
that people need to know in
order to do well at work.
So we've kind of become
experts in this a little bit,
hopefully.
We also do some other things.
These are some other
things that we do.
We've got a conference that
travels about every six months.
We've got a new
location for that.
We've got really interesting
fun games, cards, books.
You can see them upstairs
as was mentioned.
And, of course, we have
our YouTube channel,
which has about 3.7
million subscribers today.
And you should become
one if you like.
And we put out about
two videos a week
on different topics in
emotional intelligence.
So we like to bring our message
in lots of different ways
and connect with people in
lots of different ways as well.
But I'd like to talk
a little bit now
about what it is
that we're doing
with all of these different
ways of talking to people.
What are we talking about?
What, in other words, is
emotional intelligence?
This is the really nice formal
definition that we tend to use.
Emotional intelligence
is the quality
that enables us to confront
with patience, insight,
and imagination
the many problems
that we face in our
affective relationship
with ourselves and others.
And in this case,
effective means
having to do with emotions.
So another way I like
to think about this
is that we're talking to people
about how to navigate around
their own emotions more
gracefully, more thoughtfully
and, also, to connect with
other people and other people's
emotions in a way that's
more intelligent, more
insightful, and ultimately more
likely to make things go well.
Now, I know that this
might sound a little bit
weird to some people.
Some people say
that's just strange.
You know, it's like a little
bit of woo-woo magic, whatever.
Maybe this is just a fad.
But, actually, we really
think that this is something
that everyone understands
a little bit intuitively.
Because we can talk
about people we
know who have maybe been
very successful at things
like science, or
even maybe they've
gotten quite wealthy
in a particular area,
or they've been a really
good lawyer or something,
but their personal lives might
be a bit sad or a bit lonely.
They might have screwed up a
major thing with their family
or with a relationship.
Or maybe they're just very
unimaginative or a little bit
demanding or cruel in a way
that's not very helpful to them
in the long run.
And when this is the case,
when someone is clearly
very intelligent in
one area, but isn't
very good at navigating their
own emotions or relationships,
that person can be
said to be lacking
in emotional intelligence.
So we all have something
of an intuitive sense
of what it might mean to
have emotional intelligence
and, unfortunately,
sometimes to lack it.
But I want to talk
a little bit more
about what it is
concretely that you learn
to do when you have
emotional intelligence
and when you develop it.
What exactly are you learning?
First of all, a major part
of emotional intelligence
is some skepticism
around our own emotions.
In other words, that we're not
going to believe everything
that we feel right away.
We might feel afraid,
but we're going
to be able to have a little
bit of distance and ask,
should I be afraid, right?
Or, you know, someone
can come to us.
And we can have a
bit of skepticism
about their emotions.
They might be very angry.
And we're able to have a
little skepticism to say,
are they just an obnoxious
person that's always angry?
Or are they really anxious
about something right now,
and this is covering that over?
So we think it's
very important to be
able to have a little bit of
healthy skepticism about why
we're having the
emotions we're having
and why other people are having
the emotions they're having.
And we know this is a
bit countercultural.
There are a lot of voices in the
world that say, you know, trust
your instincts.
Go with your gut instincts.
But at The School
of Life, we say,
don't trust your instincts.
They're often rubbish, right?
Not always, but it's
good to be able to be
skeptical about them.
They can lead us
very far astray.
And, probably, all of us have
seen that in our own lives
or in the lives of
someone that we know.
The other thing that we're very
interested in which is related
and which we talk a lot
about at The School of life
is that we talk
a lot about being
aware of the way our
past might be affecting
our current emotional responses.
So we say that emotional
intelligence involves
recognition of the
importance of our past
and our childhood in particular.
You might recognize this if
you've ever been to therapy
or even read about therapy,
because therapists believe this
as well.
And, in particular, they believe
that between the ages of about
zero and six, a lot of
our emotional apparatus,
emotional hardware if
you like, is formed.
It doesn't mean we
can never change it
after the age of six, of course.
But it's much, much
harder in the same way
that it's much, much harder
for someone to learn a language
once they're over
the age of 20 or so.
Our minds are shaped a
lot by our childhood.
And they're also shaped
a lot by our past.
If we had a very difficult
experience or even a very good
one, that's likely to affect
how we see things in the future.
And while this isn't ideal
for a lot of reasons,
the most important thing is that
we can become conscious of it.
I also know that some people
will be skeptical about this.
They'll say, you know,
that's ridiculous.
I have a really nice
LinkedIn profile now.
And I look very
professional and serious.
And I'm an adult. And I
can manage everything,
thank you very much.
And I sympathize, because I
sometimes feel that way, too.
But I think we can see a little
bit of how our childhood might
have affected us when we get in
high periods of stress, right?
Or sometimes you can even
see it when people get drunk.
There are moments where
we kind of revert back
to our inner child.
It's a bit like this.
This is a child.
And this might be his grown
up version of himself, right?
You can see this in
people a little bit
when they're under
a lot of pressure.
And so the point isn't
that we're always
going to be acting in
very immature ways,
but that we have the
potential to do so
when there's a lot of pressure.
And, therefore, we need to
become aware a little bit more
of what those ways
of behaving might be.
We might have learned as a
child that people are not
going to be very
responsive to our needs.
And, actually, it
makes it very difficult
for us to work in a team
once we're under some stress.
So there are things
like this about our past
that emotionally
intelligent people
tend to become more aware of and
navigate around to some degree.
I want to talk now more a
little bit about how this
works in the workplace, right?
So why is emotional
intelligence important at work?
Well, one of the reasons
is actually very new.
This is a new period in human
history in terms of work.
It's maybe always been helpful
to have emotional intelligence,
but never more-so than now.
And it's probably only going
to get more and more important.
And one of the reasons is
because we're not working
so much more with our minds.
For most of human history, we
were gathering nuts and fruits.
And then suddenly,
we were farming,
but that was pretty physical.
And maybe then we
built some pyramids.
And, you know, we did a
lot of physical labor.
But after that, only
recently we started
working in really,
really complicated teams.
Most people have
started working in ways
that involve talking to
people and convincing them
and prioritizing and
managing their own emotions.
All of the sudden, so much
of our work is psychological.
And so as a result,
at The School of Life,
we believe that good business
requires good psychology.
And that this isn't
something that's, you know,
cute, and nice,
and good to have,
and maybe the HR team will
do every once in a while.
It's something that's
crucial every single day.
It's not a luxury.
It's a necessity.
It's really, really important.
Because, ultimately
and increasingly,
it's going to be the very
thing that we work on.
Even if our technical
skills are great,
this will determine
whether we succeed
or don't do so well at the
things that we're working on.
Again, it's because we used
to be doing things like this.
And, now all of a sudden,
after thousands and thousands
of years, a lot of the
most important work
in the world, a lot of the
work that most of us are doing
looks more like that.
And that is very complicated.
That involves a lot of guessing,
maybe six or seven steps ahead,
how other people are likely to
respond, how we can persuade
them, how we can convince them,
how we can get along with them,
how we can understand
when we're wrong, and why.
That's very complicated
emotional stuff.
So, suddenly, our
work is psychological.
The quality of the
work that we do
is now hugely dependent on
our emotional states of mind.
And as a result, we need to
learn with modesty and courage
and insight how our
emotional minds work
and why they so
often don't quite.
And another way of
thinking about this
is that the most complicated
technologies on Earth
don't have anything to do with
all the nice things made here
at Google.
They are the people in this
room and out there in the world.
We are the most
complicated things.
And we need to put ourselves
as much as we can right.
We need to make
sure it's working.
So how do we do that?
That's a good question.
We'll talk to you a
little bit about how
we teach emotional intelligence
at The School of Life.
Some people say, well,
what do you mean teaching
emotional intelligence?
Isn't it just something that you
have, or you don't have, right?
Either you're charming, and
you're good with people,
and you're good at
communicating, and you're calm,
or you're not.
And it's just what
you're born with.
That's it.
Why am I trying to
learn this now, right?
But we completely disagree
at The School of Life.
We actually think these
are really concrete skills.
You can learn them.
You can practice them.
And you can get better
at them until they
become second nature in a way.
We'll talk about nature
more in a second.
And we're not the only
people who believe
this in the course of history.
Here are some funny people who
have definitely believed this.
These are French
aristocrats in a salon.
And people like
this were trained
for a long period of life
to be more charming, better
communicators.
They learned some
funny things, like how
to stand behind a chair
in a charming way, right?
But they also learned how to
persuade, how to convince,
how to say no without
giving offense.
And it's really not so much
about the concrete skills
that they had, because you
might need different ones now
that you work here.
It's the idea that
there are things
that seem natural, but
really took a lot of practice
and training to get right.
There are things that can
make you more likable.
There are things that can
make you succeed and do better
in the world.
So we believe what these
guys believed in a way.
And we also believe
what, in general,
is called the classical
approach to education,
which is in contrast to the
romantic approach to education.
The romantic
approach to education
built on the Romantic
Movement in the 1800s
says, you know, human
nature is wonderful.
Let's just have more of it.
All the things that humans
are already good at, let's
develop them and encourage them.
But, actually, we're
very interested in what
you might call second
nature, the thing you
develop afterward.
In other words, we're very
interested in the types
of tools we can use,
almost technologies
we can use, to improve
or otherwise wouldn't
be natural for human beings.
And theorists of
classical education
love to use the
metaphor of the tool.
Or in this case,
it's a pulley, right?
Because no one by nature is
fitted to lift a heavy statue
like that.
That's the statue
actually, that guy.
But with the right
tools, you can do it.
And teaching emotional
intelligence is the same way.
You can basically
develop a new type
of nature, a new
type of ability,
that you've never had before,
and that wouldn't necessarily
come natural to
you to begin with.
So that's what we're working on.
Let me tell you a little bit
more about how we do that.
One of the things that we do--
and this is very important
when you're working in groups
or in entire organizations--
is that we help to create
a culture of humility.
This is really,
really important.
Because, otherwise, what
happens is you bring people
into the room and you're
like, well, you're
the pessimistic one,
and you're the problem.
And you're the one that's
being really difficult.
And you're the problem
person in our team.
And then that person, of
course, becomes very defensive.
And everyone else feels
very self-righteous.
And nobody learns anything.
So we work very hard to begin
by saying, this thing that we're
going to learn
today, whether it's
about communication, whether
it's about playfulness,
is a problem and an opportunity
for every single one of us
in this room.
All of us have this strange
quirky thing about us
that makes it difficult.
Or, in other words, we
are all crazy, right?
We're all just nuts, barely
holding it together people
some days.
And all of us need
help on this thing.
And it's actually really
helpful if someone like the CEO
can stand up and be,
like, hello, I'm an idiot.
Yes, I'm an idiot in
the following ways.
It's good.
Because, first of all,
in most companies,
at least some people are
already thinking that the CEO
is a bit of an idiot.
But it's actually
really reassuring
to see someone like a
CEO say, you know, I'm
aware of my idiocy.
It's not escaped me.
I'm working on it.
And that's true for all of us.
We try to create a culture
where people can say,
I know I have various
eccentricities.
You know, I don't mean crazy,
of course, about mental health.
I mean human
instability in general.
But I'm working on them.
I understand them.
I know I'm not perfect.
That creates a really open
culture in a community
and in an organization
and in a team.
So we work very hard in the
structure of our workshops
and all the way that we
present our materials to say,
this is something everyone can
work on, nobody's perfect at,
and everybody can learn.
This really helps us
overcome defensiveness.
We want people to
be open to the idea,
and actually want
to learn, and learn
new tools that could help them.
Another thing that we do--
and this is very
important-- is that we
help people not only
learn, but repeat, learn
over and over and over again
and practice over and over
and over again the important
skills that we believe in.
Because a lot of
education in the world
tends to think about sort of
the human mind is a bucket.
Like, you are going to
spend maybe a day or a week
or a year pouring
in some information.
And then after a
while, you've got it.
And it's in there,
and that's good.
And you're done, and
nothing else is needed.
And at The School of
Life, especially around
emotional skills, we
disagree completely.
We think the human mind
is really, really fragile.
It forgets things really easily.
It means well, you know.
But it slips.
We think we should
be kind and generous.
And that sounds really
great in the moment
when you're listening to
someone talk to you about it.
But then, you know, an
hour later, you're hungry.
And two hours later,
you have an email.
And you forget by
the end of the day.
So we really think the human
mind is a bit like a sieve,
right?
And as a result,
we think that we
need to repeat everything to do
with intelligence quite a bit.
We need to practice constantly.
We need good reminders.
We need interesting,
intelligent, sensitive,
appealing reminders.
Because no matter
how wonderful we are,
it is going to slip
through our minds.
We are going to need to refresh.
We're not the only people
that believe this either,
by the way.
Some of the very first teachers
of emotional intelligence, so
to speak, however flawed in
other ways, were religions.
And religions
believe this as well.
They think that people need
to repeat all the time,
that they need to be reminded
to be kind in the morning.
And then after lunch, they
need to be reminded again,
because they forgot over
the course of lunch, right?
It's not because people are bad.
They just recognize
this about human beings.
We need to be
reminded constantly,
or we're going to get
home at the end of the day
and snap at our partners
and yell at our children.
And so we kind of
base some of what
we do on the structure
of movements like this,
or meditation, things like
that, because we recognize
the value of that aspect.
The other thing we try to do
is just make it interesting
and engaging.
We work really hard to actually
present things in a way
that people will say,
yeah, that's right.
That appeals to me.
You can see this a bit in our
YouTube channel, of course,
which is very popular,
but also in the way
that we do our workshops.
These are some funny
slides from our workshops.
And they just have
really appealing quotes.
They have interesting
historical facts that you're
unlikely to forget, strange
art, like that funky art there
at the top, you
know, good metaphors.
The point is we want it
to stick in the brain
as long as possible before
it slides through the sieve.
So we're very, very
interested in beauty as well.
We think beauty
brings ideas to life.
And that's true, of course, with
these little products as well.
And all of this is
designed, ultimately,
to help people be more
aware of what they're like.
People don't need to be
perfect at the end of the day
to be emotionally intelligent.
What they need to
do most of all is
to be aware of the
ways in which they
are imperfect to be able to
navigate a little bit better,
to acknowledge when they
might have screwed up,
to look for places
where they can improve.
That's the ultimate goal.
None of us will be perfect, but
all of us can be a bit better.
This has to do with
self-awareness.
We encourage all this regular
reflection, these exercises.
They're all geared in some
way towards self-awareness.
And rather than go on and
on about self-awareness now,
I'm actually going
to give you a chance
to try it out with one of
our most popular exercises,
the philosophical meditation.
So I'd love to encourage
you for a minute.
It's good to write things
down during this exercise.
So if you want, you
might get out something
you write things down on.
It's your phone, or
a little notebook,
or something like that.
And I'll explain a little
bit about this as well.
A lot of traditional
meditation, especially
the way it's been
brought in to the West,
has to do with the idea of
trying to empty our minds.
And in a sense, that can
imply that maybe there's
not anything that useful to
know about the things that
are floating around in there.
Maybe we don't need to
investigate them too much.
This is a bit of an
overgeneralization.
I know there's very complicated
different strands of meditation
in the East.
But the point is that we
sometimes lose the thread.
We might think, oh, what
I need to do to calm down
is just not investigate
the content of my mind.
But at The School
of Life, we think
it's actually really important.
So rather than trying
to empty the mind
or become more
aware of our body,
although those things can be
useful for people sometimes,
we're actually very
interested in things
like downloading the mind, and
sorting through the feelings
and ideas that we have, and
interpreting the anxieties
and hurts and excitements
that might be in there,
but which we haven't fully
recognized and interpreted
for ourselves.
We're going to get a chance
to do that today, at least
with one of these sections.
Maybe we'll start with
anxiety, because my intuition
is that most people have
anxieties, a lot of anxieties,
throughout the day.
So, first of all, I might say
that many people do this a lot.
Some people that come
to The School of Life
end up doing this regularly,
maybe for even an hour or so.
And it's a good one to take
home and try out again.
I like to say that our exercises
are a bit like Ikea furniture.
So you can take
them home with you.
And then you kind of construct
them in a good way for yourself
there.
But we're just
getting a taste now.
You're just getting
the pieces now.
So these are the
usual three questions
of philosophical meditation.
What am I anxious about?
What am I upset about?
And what am I excited about?
They're just good
starting questions.
They help us think about
what's going on in our life.
And I'd love to suggest
that we start with this one.
What am I presently
anxious about?
So I would suggest that you
write down for a minute or two
as many as you can think
of things that you're
anxious about.
You can do shorthand, so
none of your colleagues
know what it means.
You know, it might just
say K. Or it might just
say 10:30 or something, as
much shorthand as you need.
And then in a minute, we'll do a
little bit more with that list.
There's even some
suggested categories here
at the top in case
you're thinking of things
and can't quite drum some up--
work, relationships,
family, health, sex, money,
things I have to do.
Once you've written down a few,
you might just choose three.
And the three are going to be
the ones that you unpack, maybe
even two since this
is a short talk.
And you're just going to begin
to unpack them a little bit.
It's kind of like separating
out the different strands
of thought that have
to do with that topic.
So there's a suggestion here of
how you might do that unpacking
anxiety.
You might want to complete the
following sentences around each
of those two things.
Let's say one of them has
to do with an argument
that you had with your partner.
So you would complete
the sentences in regard
to that thing.
What I'm really afraid
will happen is--
and you'll think about
is it that you're
worried that the relationship
is getting worse?
Is it that you're worried
that there might be a breakup?
Is it that you're worried
that your needs won't be met?
Kind of trying to be as honest
with yourself as possible,
what is the underlying fear?
It's not just that fights
are unpleasant, of course.
What ultimately might
be the bad thing?
After that, you might
want to consider
what you want to do about it.
Is there actually
something that you
could do that would,
perhaps, reduce the anxiety,
or at least take the issue
further in a constructive way?
It's good to first figure out
what you're afraid of, though.
Sometimes people
jump right to action,
but we need a little bit of
skepticism about the emotions
before we can choose
actions wisely.
And, finally, you can move on
to the point about reassurance.
So it's really containment
and reassurance,
by which we mean that you're not
going to let the anxiety take
over your whole life
and color everything
else that's going on.
You're going to begin to
bring it back down to scale.
What is, you know, the limit
on this particular anxiety?
So the worst thing
that can happen
is, in some ways the limit, you
might think, OK, absolute worst
case, we break up.
That would be
terrible, but I guess
I would do this in that case.
I could see my friends more.
For some people, this
is very reassuring,
because it contains the problem
to scale that is, perhaps,
smaller than civil war, right?
We can also think about
how we would cope.
That can often be
very reassuring.
I would take baths.
I would see my friends more.
I would complain to my
parents, whatever it is.
These are kind of
silly examples,
but you probably have your own.
So think a little bit about how
you might contain your anxiety
and maybe offer yourself
some reassurance.
And then in a
minute, if you like,
you'll have a chance to
just share with the person
next to you how
this was for you.
And if you like, you
can share the details.
Of course, you don't have to.
So in a minute, I'll open it up.
When you're ready, do turn
to someone next to you.
And just mention how this was.
What did you get out of it?
If you like, you can share the
details, but you don't have to.
And then we'll come back
together in a few minutes.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO:
I'd love to hear maybe
from just one or two people
what that was like for you.
Was it helpful?
What part of it was hopeful
if anything was helpful?
Or if not, that's OK, too.
Yeah.
I think we've got a mic.
Can we bring it over?
Thank you.
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE]?
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Great, hi.
AUDIENCE: I'm actually going
to steal this gentleman's point
that he made when
we were chatting.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: OK.
AUDIENCE: It was
really beneficial.
I took two to work on.
One was really beneficial.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yup.
AUDIENCE: Because it made
me seem like my worries sort
of were a bit insignificant.
And I could just,
like, move past it.
But then one went
really horrible.
So I just thought in sum--
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yeah.
AUDIENCE: --when you
pick some worries, what
I'm really afraid
will happen is,
that bit can get
a bit horrible, do
you know what I mean sometimes?
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Sure, yeah.
AUDIENCE: So I think
it can work both ways.
But I think, generally, it's
like a nice beneficial way
to work through it and--
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yeah.
AUDIENCE: --just be able
to sort of like prioritize
and work through your
worries one by one
is a really nice way
of looking at it,
which I think everyone in this
group maybe hadn't done before.
So it was nice to
do it like that.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yeah.
And perhaps a
second issue, there
are other ways of
thinking about it.
AUDIENCE: Yeah, absolutely.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: It's
certainly no cure-all,
but nothing really is.
AUDIENCE: Thanks.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yeah.
Thank you.
And you begin to also look
at the nice things that
are floating around
in your mind,
but don't get enough attention.
So in other words, we're
thinking about how sometimes
our mind notices things.
And it really likes them and
latches onto them for a minute.
But then, you know, it forgets.
And by the end of the day,
you don't remember what it is.
And, actually, you had
a nice intuition there,
but you might lose it.
So these are rather
exciting thoughts.
Or it might be that it's a
little bit troubling sometimes.
We envy someone.
That's not very comfortable.
But, nevertheless,
the envy is telling us
something about what we
might actually really like
to do in the future.
So these are areas of
excitement, things that they're
a little bit appealing to us
for one reason or another,
things we'd really like to get
more into in our life, perhaps.
And we need to learn
to identify them
more, so that we can explore
new positive things in our life.
So just for a minute,
I'd love to let's
think about someone who made
you either excited, intrigued,
or envious, which are all
very interesting words.
You know, someone you felt,
ah, their job is really cool.
Or their way of talking
to me is really appealing.
Or I'd really like to have
something that they have.
You don't have to
question it too much.
You don't have to feel
guilty about feeling envious,
because the point here is to
try to take the thing that they
have and to try to
think about what you
yourself might really
be attracted to in life.
And that can be a
really helpful thing
to know about yourself
just for a minute.
First things that come to mind,
even if it's a bit strange,
as an exercise.
You could also
think about really
pleasant, interesting,
unusual experiences
you've had recently,
maybe something
that took you by surprise,
because it was nicer
than you thought it would be.
That's more comfortable.
But I've given you
the hard task first.
Now, the easy task, what
was really appealing?
What was really nice recently?
Once you've written
down some of these hints
as to your future interests,
you might begin to unpack them.
So you might think
about, well, now
that I've met this
person, what's something
that I might want to explore
more, or try more, or do
differently?
Or, if I wanted to get more
experiences like the one that
surprised me by being so
nice, what might I need to do?
The last little section here
says plans from excitement.
And it's a bit tricky,
because it's really
thinking about what you could
concretely do in your life,
like little actual
attainable steps
that you could act on as a
result of this excitement.
And perhaps the
nicest thing to do
is maybe talk to the
other person next to you.
Just talk to someone
slightly different.
And each of you,
for a few minutes,
talk about what your plans
for your excitement might be.
What could you do as a result
of this interesting moment
that you had?
So just for a few minutes
talk to the other person
the other side of you.
Or, you know, slightly
switch your partners,
and think about
what kinds of plans
could you make in response
to this excitement?
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Let's share a few
if you don't mind.
I'd really love to hear some of
your plans, some of your plans
from excitement.
I can yell more loudly.
I used to have a, like,
triangle and a gong.
But let's come back
together if you don't mind.
Yeah.
Hello.
Does anyone have a
plan from excitement
that they'd really
love to share?
Something that came
up that you could do?
No?
A moment that was very exciting?
So shy.
Well.
Yeah?
AUDIENCE: I would definitely
apply for another internship
at Google.
[LAUGHTER]
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Excellent.
What else?
AUDIENCE: I think it was
a little bit of difficulty
to define what would be
the unusual experience that
gets you excited
or a person that
gets you extremely excited.
Like, to me, there
was nothing that's
extremely exciting last
time that you can't stand
yourself kind of excitement.
That's the [INAUDIBLE].
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: What about,
like, moderately exciting?
AUDIENCE: But that's the thing.
Like, I was only
thinking, when I read
excitement, of that extreme.
And, like, I couldn't
remember anything that's
in the last year probably.
But that does not mean
that there weren't probably
smaller things.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yeah.
AUDIENCE: They just
wouldn't come to your mind,
because you never
registered them as--
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO:
Exactly, yeah.
AUDIENCE: --oh my
god, they're exciting.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: It's
sometimes hard for us.
We lose track of them, right?
We often like to say that you
should maybe keep a journal.
And then the point isn't to
say beautiful, elaborate things
every sentence.
It's to just take note.
Like, that was quite interesting
this morning before you forget.
Otherwise, we have less data
available to us, effectively.
Really, the point here isn't
that this is the only thing
we do at The School of Life.
It's rather that it's just
one of many, many, many things
that we do here at the
philosophical meditation.
And the point is that,
as you mentioned,
we have a lot of unthought
thoughts and unfelt feelings.
And they can elude us.
But we need time
to reflect on them.
Mental good health requires
us to constantly download
our minds and sort
out their contents.
And once these things become a
little bit easier to identify,
the fears and resentments
and hopes, then it
can be a little bit
easier to understand them.
And we become calmer, and
less resentful, and clearer,
ultimately, about
what we want in life.
At this point, I'd
love to, first of all,
thank you for coming
and sticking with it
even though it's a bit strange--
I know some of it.
And I'd also love to
say that, you know,
if you have any
questions, I'm now free.
And I can answer them
or take comments, too.
AUDIENCE: Sorry.
We were just talking.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yeah.
AUDIENCE: I was wondering
really, in terms of practicing,
you were mentioning
that earlier.
In terms of that
excitement meditation,
the philosophical meditation--
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yeah.
AUDIENCE: --do you
think that we should be
doing that kind of regularly?
Is that--
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yes.
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
Because it's easy
to sit there and go,
oh, you know, carry
on for two years.
And then go, oh, now, I
need to reassess my life.
But sometimes--
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yeah, I
think it's much more useful.
I mean, it's nice that we
had a taste of it here.
But it's even more useful
as you practice it.
Just like with
eastern meditation
also, right, people
get "better,"
quote unquote at meditating.
It becomes more
beneficial to them.
And in the same way,
the more that we
start taking note of these
little bits of anxiety,
and excitement, and upset,
and so on, the more likely
we are to generate these very
long lists we can look through
and say, oh, look.
These things that excited me
are related to each other,
you know, or they're similar.
Or I tend to be
very excited when
I have spontaneous
experiences, but I don't
let myself do that very much.
So the more that we practice
it probably the more we'll
get out of it for sure.
AUDIENCE: Hi.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yes.
AUDIENCE: You briefly
touched on this.
But I was just wondering
what you think about
should this kind of stuff be
taught more formally in school.
Because I know when
I was in school--
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yeah.
AUDIENCE: --the focus is
entirely academic or athletic.
And so only kids who excelled
in those things, like,
felt good about themselves.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yeah.
AUDIENCE: And there were kids
with lots of other talents
that were kind of--
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yeah, we
absolutely think in the future.
We got a whole
section in our blog,
actually, in our
book of life, where
we talk about sort of utopia.
And we talk about the
utopia of education
and how much more of our time,
probably, in the education
system could be well-spent
learning some of these things
and practicing some
of these things.
Because, first of all, like
sieves rather than buckets,
we forget a lot
of the information
that's given to us in school.
There are so many things
that we just don't remember.
But second of all,
because information
is constantly more and
more available to us.
But the ability to
regulate our own emotions,
that takes a lot of time.
You've really got
to invest in it.
And we'd love to see it
more widely available,
especially to children
and young people,
but also to older People
we can all learn together.
Like, 70-year-olds
and 7-year-olds
could be learning
this together actually
maybe in a really useful way.
AUDIENCE: I get
really frustrated
when I feel like
people don't have
any emotional intelligence.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yeah.
AUDIENCE: Because I feel
like I've got a lot of it.
And I request-- I feel that I
need that from other people.
How would you suggest
that I try not to get
frustrated in those situations?
What advice would you give me
for dealing with people that,
you know, would see
this and they'd be like,
I don't want to go to that talk.
I'm not interested.
Or, you know, you try
and explain how you feel.
And they're just not
interested, because they
don't understand it.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO:
Well, first of all,
in general about anger at The
School of Life and frustration,
we tend to say that our anger is
equivalent to our expectations,
right?
If we have very
high expectations,
probably they're going to be
disappointed some of the time.
And then our anger will
be very intense as well.
So, frankly, we believe in what
we call strategic pessimism
and not just at work, but
in general around people.
They are going to disappoint
quite a bit of the time.
And it's actually very helpful
to lower our expectations
a little bit to practice.
We really like Seneca
who was a philosopher.
And he said that
you should get up
in the morning and have
a pray [? meditatio, ?]
where you think about
all the things that
could go wrong during the day.
And there's a lot of them.
And the nice thing
isn't that at the end
you feel horribly
anxious, hopefully.
But that over time you realize,
OK, well, most of these people
didn't go to the emotional
intelligence talk
and said really ridiculous
emotionally intelligent things
in the meeting.
But this person actually
said a nice thing.
So it allows us to be less
angry and, perhaps, less upset,
but also to appreciate more
when things do go well.
That's a starting point.
And, also, you
can give them, you
know, secret gift certificates
to The School Life
or something.
But--
AUDIENCE: Thank you.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO:
Yeah, of course.
AUDIENCE: So thank
you for the talk.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yeah.
Pleasure.
AUDIENCE: There is
this thing called
EQ, which is basically IQ test
for emotional intelligence.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yeah.
AUDIENCE: So what
do you think of it
as a way of measuring
emotional intelligence?
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO:
I mean, people
have made a lot
of tests for this.
And it's not for me to go and
evaluate that particular test.
In general, at The
School of life,
we like to test a little bit
more like taking your pulse.
It's a little bit
more human-sized.
And, also, people
change a lot, you know?
And some of these tests might be
more credible than other ones.
So we tend to think it's
more useful if you're
thinking about your
emotional intelligence rather
than if we're telling
you from the outside,
like, this is your level
of emotional intelligence.
But we do have little
tests and diagnostics
you can do for yourself.
And it's less like
saying, you know,
this is your likelihood
of a heart attack.
And it's more like saying,
you know, why don't you
take your pulse?
What's your pulse
like right now?
So that tends to be our approach
to diagnostics I would say.
But, you know, it's
nice other people
are doing other things I guess.
AUDIENCE: So you contrasted
your approach quite dramatically
to regular mindfulness
where you try to suppress
or abstract away from
emotions and kind of--
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yeah.
AUDIENCE: Can you
elaborate a bit?
What are the strengths and
weaknesses of each approach?
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yeah.
I mean, I'm not an expert
in Eastern mindfulness.
So I'm going to have to kind
of put that enormous bracket
around what I'm saying now.
Some of the types
of meditation that
are very common in the
West which have been,
through a very
complicated process,
translated from much older
sometimes religious techniques,
tend to allow us to empty
our mind in the sense
that they don't focus on
the content of the worry
so much as they ask
you to release it.
And that can be a
very good thing.
But one of the reasons we're
interested in examining
the contents of the
mind is our interest
in psychology and
psychoanalysis and philosophy.
I think there's space
for both in the world.
And one of the ways that there's
particularly space for both
is that it's
important, in general,
to interrogate our anxieties
and our excitements,
but we can't hold
onto them forever.
And some of them are
not immediately fixable.
Like, global warming, we
can all do a little bit.
But, you know, if we sit
all day long thinking
about the worst case
scenario for global warming,
we're going to have a hard time.
So I think the goal
is to be able to sort
out from our
anxieties, you know,
this one about my
relationship where
I have some way of learning
and understanding more and then
doing better.
I'm going to really
investigate first.
And maybe this other
one where I can't really
do anything, or the more
intelligent approach
won't make any difference,
because I don't have
the power in that situation.
That might be a
really good space.
And mindfulness,
Eastern mindfulness,
has a lot of other
benefits, which, again,
I'm not an expert on,
but are separate as well.
Does that make sense?
It's kind of about
how much you need
to think about the
thing to do better at it
versus where it won't help.
AUDIENCE: In the
beginning, you mentioned
that you recommend to be
skeptical of your own emotions
and, also, other
people's emotions.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yeah.
AUDIENCE: But on
the other hand, we
have to be careful not
to dismiss other people's
feelings.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yeah.
AUDIENCE: Like when someone
comes to me and says,
they're anxious, then
I don't want to say,
but here's a reason why
we shouldn't be anxious.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Sure.
AUDIENCE: I don't
think your anxious.
So how do you strike the
balance between this?
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO:
Well, it sounds
like it's mostly about
other people's, not
kind of telling people what
they're feeling, which I think
is very important.
So I think the idea is more
to open up possibilities
before we choose an
action, rather than
to tell the other person
what they're feeling.
Like, if a person comes to us
and they're very angry at us,
it's probably more helpful
for us to first ask, you know,
maybe some mitigating
circumstances.
Like, oh, this person is
under a lot of stress.
This allows me to be slightly
more patient with them.
Or maybe this person is anxious
about a thing I haven't even
thought about and I
don't know about at home.
It's not that we then tell
them this is the situation.
It's that we're almost
able to be more curious
and ask them and not immediately
judge and rush to action.
Does that make sense?
Yeah.
Hello
AUDIENCE: Hi.
You mentioned at the beginning
of the talk defensiveness.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO:
Defensiveness, yeah.
AUDIENCE: And I
was just wondering
if you are dealing with people
who are extremely defensive
and you can see that it's
coming from a place of anxiety
or fear, what would you advise?
What is the best
approach in your opinion?
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO:
Oh, I mean, there's
lots of different techniques
for dealing with defensiveness.
The main thing, first
of all, is to deal
with our own defensiveness.
You know, our school is
about changing ourselves more
than other people.
I think the other thing is to
remember that we're defensive,
because we often think
that our value is attached
to the criticism the
person is making.
So we talk a lot in
our classes, especially
in our classes
around work, that we
want to make the
criticisms as we have
them enormously local, right?
So that it's very clear to
the person as much as possible
that this isn't about their
value as a human being
or even necessarily whether
they're good at their job.
It's just this particular
paper on line three,
I wonder if we could make
it a little bit more x.
So one of the things
we work on doing
is making criticism
very, very local.
Because the fear of a
person who's defensive
is that their whole
being is being judged.
It's also very good to choose
the time and place and manner
where you give criticism.
And sometimes it's
easier to give it,
you know, out for coffee after
you've already had a nice chat.
And there's lots of other ways.
But that's a good starting point
sometimes to make it very local
and to watch it
in ourselves, too.
AUDIENCE: I feel a bit like
I've seen some an Ikea catalog.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO:
Yeah, definitely.
That's what you've seen.
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE] brought
home any furniture yet.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO:
100%, it's right here.
AUDIENCE: Yeah, like, what's
your next suggestion to action?
Is it like signing up for
a class, buying a book?
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: All
those things are good.
We like to do things in
many different formats.
It really depends
on what you need.
I can also talk to you
after if you're like, well,
this is the thing I'm
most interested in.
Because we know people
benefit from different things
depending on what
they're facing.
I love our workshops
and classes.
I think they're
really interesting,
because you get to see not
just what you're working with,
but what other people are
thinking about and going
through.
And that is particularly
valuable for me.
I really enjoy that.
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE]
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO:
Not yet, but maybe some
will be skeptical.
And, also, they happened in
our Bloomsbury classroom.
So you can kind of
go and get a taste
there of some of our
business workshops
and also some of
our public classes.
But, yeah, it is.
It's an IKEA catalog.
The whole School of Life
in 40 minutes is tough.
AUDIENCE: Yeah, I
think I was just going
to ask a similar question.
You know, we talked about
individuals and, also, maybe
getting our team to be more
aware of their own emotional
intelligence.
Do you do team
building exercises--
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yup.
AUDIENCE: --along that front?
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: Yes.
Some of our-- are
about sort of what
does our team need to
do in order to do this.
Or some are quite useful
in terms of, like,
allowing the whole group to
reflect together and come up
with ideas and
suggestions together.
So, yeah, it varies
on the topic,
of course, how individual
versus team built, but yeah.
AUDIENCE: Just
checking the time.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO:
I think it's 57.
AUDIENCE: Maybe
one more question?
I see people starting to leave.
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: I'll
be here after as well
if you have time.
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE]
SARAH STEIN LUBRANO: OK.
Thank you very
much for having us.
AUDIENCE: Thank you so much.
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
