Call of Cthulhu is a game based upon the works
of H.P.
Lovecraft, America's favourite racist, and
alongside the large numbers of horror games
inspired by the Cthulhu Mythos over the years,
Call of Cthulhu can certainly claim the lofty
title of 'another one'.
Come on, Yahtzee, be nice in the opening spiel,
you've got six whole paragraphs to dump asparagus
urine on the game.
Well, you certainly can't deny that it's an
extremely dedicated adaptation, as in, they
set out to make a Cthulhu game but when it
came to deciding which specific story or aspect
of the Cthulhu mythos to adapt someone got
a bit overexcited and said "Let's do all of
it!
Like, at once!
Can we do that?"
And so an attempt was made to see how many
of the cliches of Lovecraftian storytelling
we can squeeze into one small game before
its delicate little rectum bursts.
Even a few that Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners
of the Earth DIDN'T already do.
So with all that in mind, how could the main
protagonist NOT be a grizzled private detective
with a drinking problem and a dark past in
early 20th century New England?
And how could they NOT get called out on a
routine investigation to a highly suspect
isolated community with a permanent green
filter over it like the whole island's been
dipped in snot?
But to say the protagonist Edward Pierce is
basically the main dude from Dark Corners
of the Earth would be to miss out on the opportunity
to say that he's basically the main dude from
Vampyr.
Quite eerily so, actually.
Same face, same beard, same voice, the only
real difference is the specific nature of
their drinking problem.
Wait a second - same fucking voice actor?
Talk about typecasting.
I checked and the games are by different developers,
although they are both French, and therefore
probably incestuous.
Call of Cthulhu is by Cyanide Studio, who
are best known for Cycling Manager, Cycling
Manager 2, Space Marine: Deathwing and Cycling
Manager 3.
Not exactly bigtime award winner types, unless
there's an award for World's Most Basically
Competent Midrange Developer.
But anyway.
Edward Pierce is hired by Rich Uncle Pennybags
to investigate the suspicious death of his
daughter, an artist whose paintings have a
slightly alarming habit of making people go
toblerones in the eye sockets mental.
Also, she had been living in a remote fishing
community that seems to be muddling on suspiciously
well for there not being that much fish around,
and all the locals treat you like a black
person in an affluent midwestern suburb because
you haven't got boggle eyes or smell faintly
of death and sandwich tuna.
So by now your Cthulhu game Bingo card should
have more crosses than an infant graveyard
in an anti-vaxxer community, but ironically
Call of Cthulhu misses out on the free space
by forgetting that the defining element of
Lovecraftian horror is the fear of the unknown.
And Call of Cthulhu just can't make things
known fast enough.
Sorry to keep bringing it up but Dark Corners
of the Earth shows how pacing is supposed
to be done, at least in the bit before it
turns into a crappy stealth shooter, when
you can feel tension slowly escalating until
you find yourself getting chased over a rooftop
and stumble upon a fish finger in a negligee.
In Call of Cthulhu, meanwhile, Pierce is barely
off the boat and getting the stamp on his
Lovecraftian protagonist rewards card before
he's stumbling on secret cultist lairs and
getting thrown into the usual local franchise
of stock horror asylum where they had to fire
the cleaning staff to pay the electricity
bill.
I think the moment the game officially lost
me was when a giant spindly monster climbed
out of a painting for a surprise stealth section,
in full view with no subtlety or buildup and
it might as well have been wearing a top hat.
And it wasn't even much of a surprise, 'cos
ever since I'd entered the room, Pierce had
switched from searching the cupboards I clicked
on to wanting to hide inside them.
Which instantly informed me that either we
were about to have a stealth section or Edward's
social anxiety problems were kicking in.
Which might as well bring us to the gameplay.
Call of Cthulhu is on the surface an investigative
game, patterned with basic use-key-in-door
inventory puzzles, and accessorised with dialog
trees and light stealth.
Very light stealth, actually.
It'd struggle to leave a fingermark in a bowl
of watery custard.
Run away from an alerted human guard and turn
precisely one corner and they'll usually write
you off as a mystical vanishing wizard and
it's far more important that they investigate
the mystery of the nearby stain on the wallpaper.
The spindly monster is a bit more dogged and
can instakill you as soon as it catches up
but it's more irritating than scary.
In fact I don't remember feeling the least
bit scared by any of Call of Cthulhu, which
for a horror game is a big red cross and a
'see me' note.
The world of the game just didn't feel real
enough for me to get sufficiently immersed.
I found it slightly hilarious how Pierce has
a special designated 'horror face' where his
eyes are all boggley and his hair's mussed
up that he flips to like a fucking toggle
switch every time something weird happens.
But I'm with you, weird-faced version of Pierce
- I do get the feeling there's something very
wrong with this island.
The main town appears to consist only of several
empty wooden sheds and a pub, populated by
about fifteen copy pastes of the same three
guys.
The story feels patchy, like bits of it are
getting skipped over.
You escape from McHorror Asylum, or rather
the basement of McHorror Asylum, with still
the top part of McHorror Asylum to worry about
I'd've thought, and the game goes "Hooray
you escaped!
And now you're back in the house you were
in earlier that you've decided to use as a
hideout and a bunch of other characters are
there and are now your best friends.
Sorry you missed all that, but you seemed
really into that loading screen and we didn't
want to interrupt."
There's this gangland boss character who gets
built up for the whole first half of the game
as a major player that everyone's scared of
and they just fucking disappear without payoff
before the end and sit out the finale eating
Twixes in the green room.
See, I assumed the patchiness was because
the game was going for branching paths and
was swapping characters and events around
based on my actions.
There are heavily emphasised choices that
do the Telltale Games thing where it flashes
up a bit of text saying things like "Yog-Sothoth
will remember you did that!"
Also the RPG elements let you put points into
things like Eloquence and Psychology to unlock
new paths and dialogue choices.
But as I discovered on my second playthrough
this was all theatre.
The RPG elements and the sanity meter - whoops,
another cross for the bingo card - are all
a paper-thin veneer to make you think your
path isn't completely predetermined.
Most of the events that reduce sanity are
mandatory and even if you skip the few optional
ones Edward Pierce goes just as banana flapjacks
nutty at precisely the same point in the story
as before.
In the end, the only thing your choices affect
are what options are unlocked on the Endingtron
3000.
And after going over the guide, what choices
unlock what seems to be completely arbitrary.
Say yes to character A, drink the whiskey
in act 4 and stick an olive up your nose to
unlock ending 1.
Say no to character A, molest the baby harp
seal and put on the kilt instead of the chastity
belt to unlock ending 2.
Pull your trousers down, select "quit to desktop"
and open your preferred web browser to unlock
"slighty more fulfilling afternoon."
