

### The Book of Change: A Tapestry of 21st Century Culture

Volume 3: Evolving vs. Loving Relationships

Laurie Izzy

Copyright 2013 Laurie Izzy  
Smashwords Edition

### Table of Contents

OVERVIEW

HUMAN SUFFERING AND RELATIONSHIPS

MASLOW'S HIERARCHY OF HUMAN NEEDS

LOVE AND SCIENCE

THEORIES ABOUT LOVE

LOVE AND THE BRAIN

LOVE AND RELIGION

JUDAISM AND LOVE

TAOISM AND LOVE

CHRISTIANITY AND LOVE

HINDUISM AND LOVE

MUSLIM/ISLAM AND LOVE

BUDDHA AND LOVE

SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS

THE EVOLUTION OF MONOGAMY

THE HISTORY OF PROSTITUTION

Statistics

U.N. Sex Slave Scandal

Canada's Missing Aboriginal Women

ONLINE PORNOGRAPHY

Porn and the Pentagon

PORN LINKED TO VIOLENCE

Iceland vs. Violent Porn

SEXUAL ADDICTIONS

PORN AND RELATIONSHIPS

SOCIAL/FAMILIAL RELATIONSHIPS

THE IMPACT OF SOCIAL MEDIA ON RELATIONSHIPS

INTERNET ADDICTION

Child Neglect and Internet/Mobile Addictions

THE EVOLUTION OF THE MODERN FAMILY

Breastfeeding vs. Formula

Absentee Parenting

RELATIONSHIP ATTACHMENTS

Attachment Parenting

Attachment Disorder

Over-Protective Parenting

The Attachment Theory and Child-Caregiver Relationships

The Attachment Theory and Adult Relationships

The Attachment Theory and Dating

Attached to the TV: The 20th Century Babysitter

Attached to the Internet: The 21st Century Babysitter

DESENSITIZATION

THE EVOLUTION OF MARRIAGE

THE WEDDING INDUSTRY

MARRIAGE AND RELIGION

ARRANGED MARRIAGE

FORCED MARRIAGE

DOWRY DEATHS

HONOR KILLINGS

ACID ATTACKS

MARRIAGE VS. POLITICS AND RELIGION

MARRIAGE VS. RACE, ETHNICITY AND CULTURE

Marriage vs. Canada's Aboriginal/First Nations Women

Interracial Marriage in the USA

Interracial Sex and Nobody's Children

Marriage and Sexual Orientation

SUMMARY

BREAKUPS AND DIVORCE

THE EVOLUTION OF DIVORCE

THE GRIEVING PROCESS

THE HEALING PROCESS

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

CHILD CUSTODY

The Negative Effects of Shared Custody

The "Fight-for-Custody" Industry

MALICIOUS PARENT/ALIENATION SYNDROME

PARENTAL ABDUCTIONS

U.S. STATISTICS: MISSING CHILDREN

Amber Alerts

FILICIDE

FEMALE INFANTICIDE

SUMMARY

NATURE VS. NURTURE

FREE-WILL VS. MIND CONTROL

RELATIONSHIP WITH SELF

THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

LONERS: ANTI-SOCIAL VS. UNSOCIAL

BECOMING A GREAT HUMAN

NOTES

Overview

_If civilization is to survive, we must cultivate the science of human relationships - the ability of all peoples, of all kinds, to live together, in the same world at peace.  
_ _Franklin D. Roosevelt_

***

Please read The Book of Change Reader's Companion Guide if you haven't yet. It is recommended reading (free eBook) before you embark on this or any other volume as it describes how to get the most out of these books. It also describes the inspiration behind writing them.

***

We experience our first relationship with our birth parents and move on to have them with guardians, caregivers, teachers, coaches, spouses, lovers, friends, relatives and co-workers. We also have an ongoing relationship with ourselves. Sometimes it's as if we are two distinctly different people who hardly know each other.

We have an external personality we project to the world through the role we play according to our job, culture, political affiliation, religious belief, gender, family responsibilities, etc. We also have an internal personality consisting of emotions, fears, anxieties, hopes and goals, which are often hidden from the outside world. That being said, maintaining a balanced sense of self – where the inside is at peace with the outside - is probably the most difficult relationship we'll have over our lifetime.

It doesn't matter which culture you subscribe to or which ethnicity, whether you come from a small or large family, have a small or large circle of friends, have never been married or have children - because we've all formed a bond with another human being somewhere along the way. At the very least, we've formed opinions about another human being. Furthermore, a relationship doesn't have to be reciprocated for it to occur.

When a British Royal or well-known celebrity does something in their own lives, a portion of the population spends a lot of time absorbing everything about them –someone they've never met. Yet, if something tragic were to happen to the object of their attention, they would feel a sense of loss. History has shown this to be true.

Have you ever stopped to wonder why the 21st Century human is often better informed about online strangers and public figures/celebrities than they are about their own social circle or their own body and mind?

How many of you know what a pineal gland is? Or, how many of you know what it does for you? Did you know every human has one? Most animals/mammals also have one. Does it have anything to do with how you relate to others within your species?

Here's an introduction to the pineal gland, but please research it further – it's fascinating.

The pineal gland was called the "third eye" by ancient people. It was thought to have mystical powers. This may be why the French philosopher Descartes decided that the pineal gland was the seat of the human soul, the location of what we call the mind. The pineal does contain a complete map of the visual field of the eyes, and it plays several significant roles in human functioning.

Also called the pineal body or epiphysis cerebri, the pineal gland is important to this discussion for two reasons. First, it is the center for the production of the hormone melatonin. Melatonin is implicated in a wide range of human activities. It regulates daily body rhythms, most notably the day/night cycle (circadian rhythms). Melatonin is released in the dark, during sleep.

The pineal gland has been implicated in a number of disorders including cancer, sexual dysfunction, hypertension, epilepsy, and Paget's disease. The pineal gland calcifies with age and melatonin production correspondingly decreases. This decline in melatonin has been suggested to be a trigger for the aging process.

_The second reason for interest in the pineal gland is that it contains magnetic material in birds and other animals._ Humans too] _It is a center for navigation._[ [1]

If you research it you'll find information about how the pineal gland influences reproduction (among other things), and that certainly plays a major part in our relationships.

Cause and effect is a universal law that applies to the topics found in the two first volumes of The Book of Change: Global Finances vs. The People and Environmental Issues vs. Politics. We have witnessed how greed causes overspending which leads to debt, just as we've witnessed the mass consumption of natural resources - which has led to a contamination and depletion of our environments. Well, relationships are subject to the laws of cause and effect too.

Our thoughts influence how we feel. How we feel dictates our actions. Actions result in a further positive or negative outcome. The dynamics of any relationship are the same for you as it is for a Masai Warrior, an Indigenous/Aboriginal, an African American, Hispanic, Asian, Indian, European, Anglo, Mixed Race or Rainbow. Which 'group' you identify yourself with doesn't matter - because what you really are is human. All the rest is just a costume for the role you came here to play. More on that concept in Volume 6: Religion vs. Spirituality and Enlightenment.

My goal for Volume 3 is to explore the world of modern human relationships to see what can be learned through a variety of examples. I believe we are capable of compassionate, loving relationships regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation or social class, although we have not seen an abundance of them lately.

We are in a state of disrepair when it comes to how we treat one another on a global, community and personal scale. We're not treating ourselves very well either. I'm not sure where we went so off-track but I do know this: Deep within our DNA is something that connects every one of us to everyone else. We need to find that 'something', nurture it, celebrate it and share it so we can heal ourselves and our world, one broken heart at a time.

Does the in-common pineal gland hold the key to our ability to have more compassionate and loving relationships with our fellow humans? Maybe, but we still have a lot to learn before we get to the top of the pyramid of human development.

" _Our world and our lives have become increasingly interdependent, so when our neighbor is harmed, it affects us too. Therefore, we have to abandon outdated notions of "them" and "us" and think of our world much more in terms of a great "US", a greater human family_ "  
_Dalai Lama_

If you take a quick glance at the table of contents you won't see many pats-on-the-back as far as modern relationships go. Of course there are great stories of humans doing wonderful things for one another, but there are not enough of them to balance the harmful and hurtful relationships occurring all over the world presently. We have not evolved into a critical mass of loving humans. We are stuck as a critical mass of despair, war, hunger, pain, violence and suffering.

**Critical Mass** : _An amount or level needed for a specific result or new action to occur,_ _the minimum number of people required to start or sustain significant change_

When the scales become more balanced we will have cause for celebration. When every man, woman and child are no longer made to suffer because of the colour of their skin, their religion, their culture or their gender, we will celebrate. Until that time, if we continue to ignore the reality of how we're treating one another or if we continue our indifference towards those who are suffering right this very minute, I believe it will be at our peril.

I will be using Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs (also called Theory of Motivation or Human Development) as a basis for discussion throughout the book. Whether you generally believe in theories or not isn't important. It's used as a guide to illustrate our evolution in our relationships.

What if we could have a hand in inspiring human evolution towards higher ground and away from the current state of stress, despair, war, suffering and violence?

Human Suffering and Relationships

The link for the following scholarly article written by Ulrich Diehl, Martin-Luther University Halle-Wittenberg, Germany can be found after the third paragraph.

Without a certain emotional, cognitive and spiritual strength human beings normally do not have the psychological and spiritual resources to fight, control and overcome the harmful living conditions whether they are natural, ecological, political, economic or social conditions. For example, without any intelligence, fairness, courage and truthfulness, without any faith, love and hope they do not have the personal qualities necessary to overcome the challenges they have to face by unavoidable natural catastrophes or by man-made ecological damage, by cruel dictatorship or political anarchy, by numerous wars or by terrorist attacks, by certain cultural or political crises, by the downfalls of economies or by the insufficiencies of health care systems.

[Humans] have a different individual emotional, cognitive and spiritual understanding of one and the same object, event or situation within the world depending on the actual and contingent conditions of their individual emotional, cognitive, and spiritual self.

This is the main reason why individual people can cope, react and act in different, various and individual ways when confronted with the same harmful conditions of human suffering in the real world. For example, some may react to one and the same situation with frustration, passivity, and depression; others may react with vigilance, activity, and responsibility. For this reason there is a certain individuality and subjectivity and therefore even a certain independence of emotional, cognitive and spiritual suffering with respect to real and determinate outer sources or harmful conditions. Emotional, cognitive and spiritual suffering is a life-long concern for all human beings independent of age, gender, ethnic origin, nationality or religion.

Please see: Human Suffering as a Challenge for the Meaning of Life

I believe humans need to make a complete paradigm shift from the way we see ourselves in order to move ahead in our relationships with others. The world was not put here for humans to consume themselves to death. We live within an inter-dependent system of life on earth, and beyond. When we become a part of the whole, and cease to act apart from the whole, I think we might finally evolve into what we were designed to be.

Suggested Movie/Book

Eat, Pray, Love (2010), based on the Memoir/Book by Elizabeth Gilbert

Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs

" _Paul Mazur, a leading Wall Street banker working for Lehman Brothers, is cited as declaring: "We must shift America from a needs- to a desires-culture. People must be trained to desire, to want new things, even before the old have been entirely consumed. Man's desires must overshadow his needs"_

The above quote gives us a snapshot of how things came to be in the world of human relationships. Somewhere along the way we evolved from a species that sought to satisfy basic needs to a species that seeks endless wants.

Abraham Maslow identified a variety of human needs (including relationships) in his Theory (1943), which is often represented as a pyramid. A pyramid is symbolic - as it is a structure built upon a foundation – and each level builds upon the one that came before it.

_The basic premise behind this hierarchy is that we are born with certain needs. Without meeting these initial needs, we will not be able to continue our life and move upward on the hierarchy. This first level consists of our physiological needs, or our basic needs for survival. Without food, water, sleep, and oxygen, nothing else in life matters._ [The text left out sex but it's in the diagram. Without sex we'd become extinct so it is a basic need too].

Once these needs are met, we can move to the next level, which consists of our need for safety and security. At this level we look seek out safety through other people and strive to find a world that will protect us and keep us free from harm. Without these goals being met, it is extremely difficult to think about higher level needs and therefore we cannot continue to grow.

When we feel safe and secure in our world then we begin to seek out friendships in order to feel a sense of belonging. Maslow's third level, the need for belonging and love, focuses on our desire to be accepted, to fit in, and to feel like we have a place in the world. Getting these needs met propels us closer to the top of this pyramid and into the fourth level, called esteem needs. At this level we focus our energy on self-respect, respect from others, and feeling that we have made accomplishments in our life. We strive to move upward in careers, to gain knowledge about the world, and to work toward a sense of high self-worth.

_The final level in the hierarchy is called the need for self-actualization. According to Maslow, many people may be in this level but very few if anybody ever masters it. Self-actualization refers to a complete understanding of the self. To be self-actualized means to truly know who you are, where you belong in the greater society, and to feel like you have accomplished all that you have set out to accomplish. It means to no longer feel shame or guilt, or even hate, but to accept the world and see human nature as inherently good._ [2]

The first clue to help you journey towards the top of the pyramid is: Other people will not do the work for you - it's your journey. The second clue is: Each person you meet along the way will (if you let them) teach you something to _help_ you on that journey. And third: Love, as the center of all you do and all that you are, is an absolute requirement if you want to move up the pyramid of human development.

Although love was not identified in Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs I am going to add it into the discussion. I don't think he'd mind including love as an additional element to his theory.

Would it be fair to say people want to be loved? Is love a human need? What if we were never loved, by anyone, ever? Would that affect how we feel about other people and how we feel about ourselves? Is love a requirement for a cohesive world to exist? Could love get us out of the hole we're in?

What is love? Where does it come from?

Is love just a word used to describe a natural-born instinct, a flow of hormones during sexual urges or a romantic cerebral/sensual experience brought on by the arts? Or, is love divine or God-inspired, and available in endless quantities to all humans? Let's see if we can find some clues.

Since Science tells us the human brain is the power center of information, maybe the answer to the question about where love comes from is found within our heads. Or, maybe love is part of a collective consciousness and the human brain simply acts as the conduit, antenna or transmitter. That would mean love is available to anyone and everyone who knows how to access it. Maybe the current human condition stems from the fact we've forgotten _where_ love lives. Why or how did we forget such a valuable piece of information? That's a question worth searching out an answer for, but not right now. We have to start at the beginning.

Love and Science

What does science have to say about the origins of love in the scheme of things? Not a lot. In fact, it is still virtually a taboo subject, just as consciousness was until very recently. However, since feelings are a major component of consciousness, it seems likely that the ontology of love is now likely to emerge as a significant question in science.

Within Christian culture, as in many other religious traditions, love has its origin as a primal quality of God and so is co-eternal with Him. His creation is an outpouring of this love in shared relationship with beings that participate in the essential creativity of the cosmos. As in the world of Shakespeare and the Renaissance Magi, it is love that makes the world go round and animates all relationships.

_This magical view of the world did not satisfy the emerging perspective of Galilean science, which saw relationships in nature as law-like, obeying self-consistent logical principles of order. God may well have created the world, but he did so according to intelligible principles. It is the job of the scientist to identify these and describe them in mathematical form. And so with Newton, love turned into gravity. The rotation of the earth around the sun, and the moon around the earth, was a result of the inverse square law of gravitational attraction. It was not a manifestation of love as an attractive principle between animated beings, however much humanity remained attached to romantic feelings about the full moon. Love was henceforth banished from scientific discourse and the mechanical world-view took over._ [3]

Love wasn't actually banished from Science. It's been studied and hypothesized at great length in many branches of Science including Anthropology, Psychology, Neurology and more, but you get the idea.

Theories About Love

Psychologist Zick Rubin proposed that romantic love is made up of three elements: attachment, caring and intimacy. Attachment is the need to receive care, approval and physical contact with the other person. Caring involves valuing the other persons needs and happiness as much as your own. Intimacy refers to the sharing of thoughts, desires, and feelings with the other person.

According to psychologist Elaine Hatfield and her colleagues, there are two basic types of love: compassionate love and passionate love. Compassionate love is characterized by mutual respect, attachment, affection and trust. Compassionate love usually develops out of feelings of mutual understanding and shared respect for one another.

_Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed a triangular theory of love that suggests that there are three components of love: intimacy, passion and commitment. Different combinations of these three components result in different types of love. For example, a combination of intimacy and commitment results in compassionate love, while a combination of passion and intimacy leads to passionate love._ [4]

This next article does a good job at articulating what love is from a non-scientific perspective – I thought we could use it for a little balance.

Excerpted from _The Seven Natural Laws of Love_ , by Deborah Anapol, Love Without Limits, Psychology Today

Love is a force of nature. However much we may want to, we cannot command, demand, or disappear love, any more than we can command the moon and the stars and the wind and the rain to come and go according to our whims. We may have some limited ability to change the weather, but we do so at the risk of upsetting an ecological balance we don't fully understand. Similarly, we can stage a seduction or mount a courtship, but the result is more likely to be infatuation, or two illusions dancing together, than love.

Love is bigger than you are. You can invite love, but you cannot dictate how, when, and where love expresses itself. You can choose to surrender to love, or not, but in the end love strikes like lightening, unpredictable and irrefutable. You can even find yourself loving people you don't like at all. Love does not come with conditions, stipulations, addendums, or codes. Like the sun, love radiates independently of our fears and desires.

Love is inherently free. It cannot be bought, sold, or traded. You cannot make someone love you, nor can you prevent it, for any amount of money. Love cannot be imprisoned nor can it be legislated.

_One can buy loyalty, companionship, attention, perhaps even compassion, but love itself cannot be bought._ [5]

We're getting a better handle on what love is – but where does it come from? For something to exist, it has to come from somewhere doesn't it? My rhetorical questions make the assumption that love is found somewhere outside of ourselves because if we had access to it we wouldn't be desperately searching for it, would we?

What if the Beatles were right - that we don't need money, power or things and all we really need is love? Let's have a listen.

Suggested Song

All You Need is Love, The Beatles (1967)

Love and the Brain

We're familiar enough with the emotional and physical effects on our being when we experience what we interpret as love: A rush of hormones, a rise in body temperature, pheromones, heart palpitations, physical attraction, erratic behaviour and more.

The age-old condition of falling in love with someone is the same for all of us regardless of scientific theory, race, ethnicity or sexual orientation. Love is an emotion that often puts the human heart at war with the human brain and sometimes creates conflict within our families, cultures and belief systems. Why do we risk it all for love?

What Falling in Love Does to the Brain, Linda Thrasybule

Falling in love can wreak havoc on your body. Your heart races, your tummy gets tied up in knots, and you're on an emotional roller coaster, feeling deliriously happy one minute and anxious and desperate the next.

Research shows that these intense, romantic feelings come from the brain.

"Intense passionate love uses the same system in the brain that gets activated when a person is addicted to drugs," said study co-author Arthur Aron, a psychologist at the State University of New York at Stony Brook.

In other words, you start to crave the person you're in love with like a drug.

_Experts have said that romantic love is one of the most powerful emotions a person can have. Humans' brains have been wired to choose a mate, and we humans become motivated to win over that mate, sometimes going to extremes to get their attention and affection._ [6]

Attempting to win over a mate for sex and being in love with that mate is not the same thing, however, according to the history of human language we've made a habit of putting the two together.

The word "love' was originally derived from ancient human languages (Sanskrit, Old English, Latin) as far back as the 7th Century. The words were used to describe pleasure (lubet) and desire (lubido). We are familiar with the modern term libido, which defines one's sex drive.

_Libido is the sexual and physical love, our sex instinct. Sigmund] Freud called this energy the urge of life that the individual gets from his sexual desire, by the Latin word Libido. The opposite and complement to the Libido according to Freud was the instinct of death, Thanatos, which is the aggression and self-destruction that turn outward on others._[ [7]

Is love separate from sex? That depends on whom you ask. You can love family members and friends without sex becoming part of it. You can have sex with people without love becoming part of it. There are those we love and have sex with within a defined relationship and there are those who are in a committed relationship yet have sex with other people on the side. There is prostitution – sex for money and there are relationships where several people love and have sex with each other either at the same time or on different days of the week. Maybe that's polygamy or polyandry.

Love and sex is complicated in the 21st century and due to the confines of previous social, religious and cultural boundaries we are discovering and forging ahead with new ways to be with one another.

What is the deepest, purest source of love available? Is it relationships? Well, they are usually where we look for love. We look for a special someone to give us love and return us to a state where we feel supported and safe. This can work great.... for a while. But does the honeymoon last? Does human love fulfill and mend our hearts? Or is there a love beyond human love that is more fulfilling, a spiritual and unconditional love that underlies our lives? If so, how do we access it?

_Spiritual Love... is pure and unveiled. It is always present, regardless of whether or not we are in a relationship. It is in your own heart_.[8]

Suggested Song

Awake My Soul, Mumford and Sons (2009)

Love and Religion

There are two things the world's organized Religions have in common: Love and the Golden Rule.

"Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself" has became known as "The Golden Rule"; it is written in Lev. 19:18 as "Love your fellow as yourself".

Religious Tolerance.org asserts that the Ancient Egyptians may hold the record for the first written record of The Golden Rule where it is stated "Do for one who may do for you, that you may cause him thus to do." The page cites, "The Tale of the Eloquent Peasant, 109 - 110 Translated by R.B. Parkinson" and states, "The original dates to 1970 to 1640 BCE and may be the earliest version ever written."

_Wikipedia_ _states, that what we know as "The Golden Rule is called "in some systems the ethic of reciprocity, a fundamental moral principle and meme," in other words meaning "treat others as you would like to be treated." The Golden Rule is the foundational principle underlying what today we define as human rights..._

_The Golden Rule seems to predate both Judaism and Christianity and thus it is a universal principle; in any event it is at the core of every major religion. Principal philosophers and religious figures have stated it in different ways._ [9]

I've put together a small sample of love-centered teachings and quotes from various Religions to illustrate something: Love has the power to unite mankind where Religion has the power to divide it. Look at human history.

Judaism and Love

_A large part of Jewish law is about treating people with kindness. The same body of Jewish law that commands us to eat only kosher food and not to turn on lights on Shabbat, also commands us to love both Jews and strangers, to give tzedakah (charity) to the poor and needy, and not to wrong anyone in speech or in business. In fact, acts of kindness are so much a part of Jewish law that the word "mitzvah" (literally, "commandment") is informally used to mean any good deed._ [10]

Taoism and Love

One of the most important messages offered [through Taoism] is that you must learn to nurture and love your own 'spirit' above all else. If you can do this and find and treasure your own personal truth there can be no fear, disappointment or lack of love. Harnessing your flow of Qi (spiritual energy) in this way allows your sensitivity, creative imagination and determination to flow harmoniously, and will create a tremendous feeling of bliss – the feeling that we in the West call 'LOVE'.

_If you find yourself using emotive terms to describe negative feelings such I feel alone, vulnerable, cheated, unloved, betrayed etc... use these as a signposts to tell you are disconnected from your Qi or spirit. It's imperative to address these misunderstandings and begin to reconnect yourself to your Tao centered mind and Oneness with the Universe through the practice of Ch'ang or self-nurturing._ [11]

Christianity and Love

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

_Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away._ [12]

Hinduism and Love

Hindus believe in karma, the law of cause and effect by which each individual creates his own destiny by his thoughts, words and deeds.

_Hindus believe that no particular religion teaches the only way to salvation above all others, but that all genuine religious paths are facets of God's Pure Love and Light, deserving tolerance and understanding._ [13]

Muslim/Islam and Love

While the word is used about 69 times in its various grammatical forms, hubb is mentioned by Allah 45 times in the Qur'an. Love is more than an emotion in Islam and like the weather, a spectrum of vivid or dark colours, is prone to change. Its darker shades can lead to lustful corruption; its purer essence leads to faith.

_"When we are in love, we are always thinking about our object of love. How much more passionate, when the believer is in love with the Divine." ~ Shaykh Yasir Qadhi_. [14]

Buddha and Love

Love does not need to be left to chance. It mustn't be a matter of "falling in love," nor must it be accepted in whatever degree or frequency it happens to appear. The Buddhist tradition has developed a range of practices and reflections designed to develop our capacity to love. As with a treasure behind a locked door, we can find the key that allows us to open the door of love; like a muscle, love can be strengthened through practice.

_In their most developed forms, the four types of love can each become a boundless radiance glowing from us. As such, love may flow from us equally toward all beings or it can glow freely without needing to be directed to anyone. When boundless, love without any particular object is recognized in Buddhism as a form of liberation._ [15]

If love is universal, and if it is a Divine energy given to us by our Creator – how can it be subject to rules and controlled by laws?

The truth is, man-made laws do not rule love \- they rule man. Furthermore, in many societies there are rules governing one of our basic human needs: Sex.

Suggested Books

Why We Love, Helen Fisher (2004)

Buddha & Love: Timeless Wisdom for Modern Relationships, Lama Ole Nydahl (2012)

Suggested Song

My Kind of Love, Emelie Sande

Sexual Relationships

" _But you can't argue that the world isn't in an unhealthy moral state."  
"Wouldn't think of it dearest. People lie, cheat, rape, swindle, kill, maim, torture and destroy. Bad thing. People also pop into bed together and cosy up. Good thing. If we think fucking is a sign of moral decay then we're a little bit stupid-stupid, aren't we?"  
_ Stephen Fry, The Hippopotamus

Lawmakers legislate our sexual needs in terms of the age of consent (how old you have to be to legally have sex), and those laws also define the boundaries of appropriate and inappropriate sexual conduct within each culture. Additionally, Religion also defines who their followers and leaders should or shouldn't have sex with according to the interpretation of the moral standards found in scriptures, traditions and teachings.

We already know countless Politicians and Religious Leaders don't hold themselves to the same set of standards or moral/ethical conduct they set for everyone else.

Is it any wonder? Here in the 21st Century the Internet provides an opportunity to view, purchase and consume sex in all shapes, sizes, forms and fetishes. There's an online buffet that feeds a variety of sexual urges – and those urges span across any and all racial, political, religious, ethnic and cultural lines.

Are our sexual relationships evolving on par with our relationships with money, food and natural resources? What common denominators are there?

The contemporary human is never satisfied. He pursues more money, more food, and more natural resources than he physiologically needs. Would it make sense then, to include sex within the epidemic of global mass consumption?

When we pursue more than we need there are far-reaching consequences. We have seen the effects of the mass consumption of money and material goods on our bank accounts, our unhealthy bodies, and our deteriorating planet. What would the mass consumption of sex include - collateral damage on our relationships?

What role does monogamy (or the lack of it) play in our 21st Century relationships? Let's find out.

The Evolution of Monogamy

Monogamous, romantic love — or, more prosaically, pair-bonding — may have evolved in a sexual revolution that could have laid down the roots of the modern family, according to an intriguing new mathematical model.

Researchers have long wondered why — unlike our sexually promiscuous chimpanzee-like ancestors — humans developed strong pair bonds with individual partners. It's thought that at one time, human ancestors did engage in chimp-like habits of sex and child-rearing, in which strong alpha males mated freely with the females of their choice, and then left the child-raising duties to them. So, the question is, how did we go from there to the modern-day monogamous, two-parent family?

_A] study suggests that a sexual revolution occurred, led by low-ranked males and faithful females. Low-ranked males, who had no hope of physically overcoming the dominant members of their groups, instead began providing extra food to certain females, to curry sexual favor. These females responded by remaining faithful to their breadwinning males. That change in behavior favored the reproductive success of these monogamous couples — pair-bonding offered a greater likelihood that their children, who took a lot of effort to raise, would survive — ultimately moving humanity away from a promiscuous mating system dominated by alpha and beta males._[ [16]

I want to go back to a line in the previous paragraph. " _Modern-day monogamous, two-parent family_." How is the idea of monogamy working out for the modern-day two-parent family? Is it rare or is it common? Is it part of your culture or not? Is it natural or is it a choice? Consider your own circle of family and friends (include yourself) as a basis for your answers. How many people do you know that have sought sex outside of their relationship?

Was the human designed to be monogamous? Is the animal kingdom monogamous? No doubt you've heard the claim by certain researchers that some species are committed to one mate for their entire lifetime. But is that accurate? Can we paint an entire species with one brush or might there be conditions where a sexual relationship outside of a pair bond occurs? Let's break it down further. Just because you have heard or read about a couple that have been faithful to one another, does not mean the entire human species has been. No doubt it's the same for the animal kingdom.

According to the animal kingdom, and research with creatures from insects and fish to birds, apes, lions, tigers and bears (oh my), monogamy is exceedingly uncommon in the natural world. In fact, with advances in the technology of genetic testing, many of the species previously lauded as being lifelong monogamous, are now known to actually have many sexual encounters outside their seemingly monogamous partnerships. While they may maintain long-term pair bonds with a single partner, they do not maintain sexual fidelity. Swans, geese, and eagles, species long romantically described as monogamous, have now been revealed to have engaged in nonmonogamous sexual activity in as many as one out of four births

Throughout history, many powerful men have eschewed monogamy for the privilege of having multiple female partners, typically through having multiple wives, concubines and mistresses. It was not all men who could support multiple wives, but usually only the wealthiest, most powerful men who could attract, protect, and provide for multiple wives and their children. But, in modern Western culture, men with multiple wives are seen as sinners and lawbreakers – in America, bigamy and polygyny is illegal, and was deemed a danger to society by the US Supreme court when it was outlawed in Utah in the 19th century.

Monogamy is enforced by law in the United States with criminal adultery statutes, laws against bigamy and in child custody laws. Infidelity is punishable by law in twenty-five states, and is subject to civil lawsuit in eight. While violations of such laws are rarely prosecuted, statutory penalties against these crimes range from two years' imprisonment to commitment for treatment of insanity.

Even when partners do not sexually violate marriage expectations, with divorce rates as high as 60 percent in some cases, monogamy has less meaning than it once did. Serial monogamy is now the truer term, where individuals are monogamous as long as they are in a given relationship, but move on to other relationships, sexual and otherwise, once that relationship ends.

Please see the following link for the full article:  Why is Monogamy Idealized When Most People Aren't Monogamous? David. J. Ley, June 2012

Before the debate of whether humans are _supposed to be_ monogamous or not gets out of hand, let's agree on one simple fact before we move on: Monogamy is a choice, it's not mandated by our DNA.

One of the choices for those who decide to have sex outside of their relationship is prostitution. It's been around a very long time, has been widely accepted throughout the ages and has been referred to as the world's oldest profession.

Suggested Movie

Indecent Proposal (1993)

The History of Prostitution

The truth behind the evolution of prostitution isn't pretty. What's worse, prostitution in the 21st Century includes trafficked sex slaves across international borders and black markets where women and children are sold for profit.

How did things come to be this way? Perception and perspective is going to be taken out of the discussion and I am going to present facts. After you've read all the facts, come up with your own version of the truth about prostitution and whether it should continue as a socially acceptable practice...or not.

Suggested Song

Roxanne, The Police (1978)

_6_ th _Century BCE: Greek literature refers to three classes of prostitutes: pornai, or slave prostitutes; freeborn street prostitutes; and hetaera, educated prostitute-entertainers who enjoyed a level of social influence that was denied to nearly all non-prostitute women. Pornai and street prostitutes, appealing to a male clientele, could be either female or male. Hetaera were always female._

According to tradition, Solon established government-supported brothels in high-traffic urban areas of Greece--brothels staffed with inexpensive pornai that all men, regardless of income level, could afford to hire. Prostitution would remain legal throughout the Greek and Roman periods, though later, Christian Roman emperors strongly discouraged it.

_590 A.D_ _: The newly-converted Reccared I, Visigoth King of Spain, banned prostitution as part of an effort to bring his country into alignment with Christian ideology. There was no punishment for men who hired or exploited prostitutes, but women found guilty of selling sexual favors were whipped 300 times and exiled, which in many cases would have been tantamount to a death sentence._

_1161_ _: By the medieval era, prostitution was accepted as a fact of life in major cities. King Henry II discouraged but permitted it, though he mandated that prostitutes must be single and ordered weekly inspections of London's infamous brothels to ensure that other laws were not being broken._

_1358_ _: The Great Council of Venice declared prostitution to be "absolutely indispensable to the world" in 1358, and government-funded brothels were established in major Italian cities throughout the 14th and 15th centuries._

_1586_ _: Penalties for prostitution--ranging from maiming to execution--were technically in place in many European states, but generally went unenforced. The newly-elected Pope Sixtus V grew frustrated and decided on a more direct approach, ordering that all women who participate in prostitution should be put to death. There is no evidence that his order was actually carried out on any large scale by Catholic nations of the period._

_1802:_ _Following the French Revolution, the government replaced the traditional bans on prostitution with a new Bureau of Morals (Bureau des Moeurs)--first in Paris, and then throughout the country. The new agency was essentially a police force responsible for monitoring houses of prostitution in order to ensure that they complied with the law, and did not become centers of criminal activity (as has historically been the tendency with respect to brothels). The agency operated continuously for over a century before it was abolished._

_1932_ _: "The women cried out," Japanese WWII veteran Yasuji Kaneko would later recall, "but it didn't matter to us whether the women lived or died. We were the emperor's soldiers. Whether in military brothels or in the villages, we raped without reluctance."_

During World War II, the Japanese government abducted between 80,000 and 300,000 women and girls from Japanese-occupied territories and forced them to serve in "comfort battalions," militarized brothels that were created to serve Japanese soldiers. To this day, the Japanese government has denied responsibility and refused to issue an official apology or pay restitution.

_1956_ _: Although the Immoral Traffic Suppression Act (SITA) theoretically banned commercialized sex trade in 1956, Indian anti-prostitution laws are generally enforced, and have traditionally been enforced, as public order statutes. As long as prostitution is restricted to certain areas, it is generally tolerated._

_Subsequently, India is home today to Asia's largest red-light district--Mumbai's infamous Kamathipura, which originated as a massive brothel for British occupiers and shifted to a local clientele following Indian independence_.

**1971** : _Nevada is not the most liberal region of the United States--that would be Berkeley, California, which regularly rejects legalization of prostitution by an overwhelming margin--but it is among the most libertarian. State politicians have consistently held the position that they personally oppose legalized prostitution, but do not believe that it should be banned at the state level. Subsequently, some counties ban brothels and some allow them to operate legally._

_1999_ _: Although anti-prostitution laws have historically focused on the arrest and punishment of prostitutes themselves, the Swedish government attempted a new approach in 1999. Classifying prostitution as a form of violence against women, Sweden offered a general amnesty to prostitutes and initiated new programs designed to help them transition into other lines of work._

But the new legislation did not decriminalize prostitution as such--while it became legal under the Swedish model to sell sex, it remained illegal to buy sex or to pander prostitutes. Evidence of the new system's efficacy is inconclusive, but early indications suggest that it may be working.

_2007_ _: A semi-industrialized nation with a growing economy surrounded by poorer nations, South Africa is a natural haven for international sex traffickers eager to export their prey from poorer nations. And to make matters worse, South Africa has a serious domestic prostitution problem of its own--in a nation where an estimated 25 percent of prostitutes are children._ [17]

_2011_ _: India] In the midst of widespread poverty, fueled by economic inequality and rampant corruption, a new form of slavery - bridal slavery - has flourished. Women and young girls are sold for as little as $120 to men who often burden them with strenuous labour and abuse them. In a country where female children are sometimes considered a financial burden, the common practice of infanticide and gender-selective abortion has led to a shortfall in the number of women available for marriage - something made all the more problematic by high dowry costs. Experts say this has encouraged bride trafficking._[ [18]

Suggested Book

Brothel: Mustang Ranch and Its Women, Alexa Albert (2002)

If we look at the facts pertaining to prostitution and not a romanticized version of Las Vegas's famed Chicken Ranch or the movie Pretty Woman, it might prove beneficial for the women and children who are caught in a degrading industry that strips them of their dignity.

_2013:_ _The FBI has rescued 79 teens held against their will and forced into prostitution from hotels, truck stops and stores during a three-day swoop on sex-trafficking rings across the country._

The sex slaves were aged between 13 and 17, although one said she had been involved in prostitution since she was just 11, authorities said.

During the sting operations across 57 U.S. cities - including Atlanta, Sacramento and Toledo, Ohio - 104 alleged pimps were arrested.

... _100,000 children are victims of prostitution and trafficking each year but under-reporting means exact numbers are hard to determine._

_There have been five other sweeps since 2008 and to date, about 2,200 children have been rescued in the program._ [19]

Statistics

Sexual slavery, exploitation and prostitution rings know no boundaries – it has invaded all cultures, all classes, and all religions.

Human trafficking is the illegal sale of human beings, as like commodities, in order to meet demand for forced labor and commercial sexual slavery. Unfortunately, trafficking in humans is one of the most profitable and lucrative illegal industries of the world. Human trafficking statistics are alarmingly high and have even gone higher in the past decade.

_This industry is somehow in an indirect way connected to the illegal arms trade and also the illicit drug business._ _Sex slavery and commercial sexual exploitation constitutes the majority of the demand that drives human trafficking_ _._

Women and children constitute a large proportion of the trafficking victims; this is again driven by the high demand of sexual exploitation and sex slavery. This sex tourism industry flourishes in most developing and third world nations.

Unrest in the Middle East has also promoted trafficking a great deal in that area, this is because women fleeing conflict areas find themselves turning to prostitution and a significant number of them are trafficked to other Middle Eastern countries as sex slaves or for sexual exploitation.

UNICEF has put down its estimated figure of trafficked children for sexual exploitation and forced labor to be approximately 6 million. A report on trafficking presented by the UN (United Nations) office on crime and drugs in 2009 gave the percentage break down of trafficked females, males and children as follows men =12%, children= 22%, women=66%.

The victims of trafficking in persons predominantly belong to Africa, Eastern Europe and Asian nationalities.

In Canada the Royal Canadian Mounted Police estimate that around 700 people are brought into Canada illegally each year mainly for the purpose of sexual slavery and commercial sex trade. They say that this estimate is based on actual historical statistics.

Another alarming statistic brought forward by them is that over 2000 persons are brought into the US through Canada illegally.

_There are as many as 50,000 persons consisting of women and children brought illegally into the United States from every corner of the world for forced labor and sexual exploitation each year._ [20]

Which begs the question: Who are the consumers? Economics 101 tells us that without demand, there is no supply.

Suggested Song

Woman in Chains, Tears for Fears (1989)

Suggested Movies

Water (2005)

Memoirs of a Geisha (2005)

Remember we talked about the International Monetary Fund (IMF) back in  Volume 1: Global Finance vs. The People? The IMF's name also rang out when it's Chief was attached to a prostitution scandal in the headlines of 2013. The United Nations was also named in a sex slave scandal a decade before that. As a reminder, the IMF manages the world's finances and the U.N. manages the world's human rights.

IMF Prostitution Scandal

PARIS — Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the disgraced former chief of the International Monetary Fund, was ordered Friday to stand trial in France on charges linked to his involvement in a prostitution ring prosecutors say was operating in France and in the United States. Judges in the northern city of Lille, who have been investigating Mr. Strauss-Kahn and a small group of French businessmen and police officials for nearly two years, charged him and 12 others with pimping, or "aggravated procurement in a group." That charge carries a maximum penalty of 10 years in prison and a fine of 1.5 million euros, or about $2 million.

Mr. Strauss-Kahn, whose political career collapsed around a 2011 New York sex scandal and the subsequent flood of sexual misconduct claims against him, has denied any wrongdoing, though he has admitted participating in sex parties in France and Washington. He was not aware, he has said, that the women involved were prostitutes.

_A likely contender for the French presidency before the encounter in New York, Mr. Strauss-Kahn has in recent months begun a return to public life. He appeared in black tie on the red carpet at the Cannes Film Festival in May and recently testified before the French Senate as an expert in global finance. This month, he was named a member of the board of a banking subsidiary of Rosneft, the Russian state oil company._ [21]

U.N. Sex Slave Scandal

[2002] There is mounting evidence that the United Nations has carried out a cover-up of the role played by its personnel in human trafficking and prostitution in Bosnia—a trade that has grown astronomically since the establishment of the Western protectorate seven years ago.

An American woman who served with the International Police Task Force (IPTF) in Bosnia recently won a case of unfair dismissal against a US State Department sub-contractor, after she was sacked for reporting an alleged prostitution racket involving other serving officers.

_Kathryn Bolkovac was an employee of DynCorp Technical Services, one of the US government's top 25 service providers with 23,000 employees worldwide. In Bosnia DynCorp provides maintenance support for the US military, as well as recruiting American officers for the international police force through its UK subsidiary, DynCorp Aerospace Operations Ltd. DynCorp has earned $1 billion since 1995 for providing maintenance to the US military worldwide. The contract to provide recruitment for the IPTF is valued at $15 million._ [22]

All that money in arms, drugs, military and security contracts: trillions and trillions of dollars yet today's prostitute is not wrapped in expensive clothing, living in luxury or bettering herself with her share of the money. The 21st Century prostitute is lucky if she's not thrown out with the garbage after her John is done with her.

Suggested Movie

The Whistleblower (2010)

Canada's Missing Aboriginal Women

As of August 2013, several groups seek a public inquiry into the over 500 missing Aboriginal women in Canada, many of whom were lost on the streets to homelessness and prostitution.

According to Canadian government statistics, Indigenous women are five times to seven times more likely than other women to die as the result of violence. The Native Women's Association of Canada has documented more than 580 cases of missing and murdered Indigenous women in Canada, most within the last three decades. Because of gaps in police and government reporting, the actual numbers may be much higher.

_Canadian police and public officials have also long been aware of a pattern of racist, sexist violence against First Nations, Inuit and Metis women in their homes and on the streets. But government response has been shockingly out of step with the scale and severity this tragedy_.[23]

Please see  Amnesty International's No More Stolen Sisters for more information.

" _Indigenous women are taken to cities to work; they are promised jobs but they end up in prostitution," she said._

_Some of the missing women in Canada left their communities in an attempt to escape grinding poverty. The NWAC cites several studies indicating that aboriginal women in Canada live in developing world conditions: Even within aboriginal communities, significantly more women live in poverty than men, and poverty impacts over half of all aboriginal children in Canada._ [24]

And many of them ended up here, according to Police...

..." _Pickton was elevated to a position of serial killer infamy in 2001, after police began dissecting his British Columbia pig farm, where they found DNA, remains and other evidence that tied him to the slaughter of 27 women. Pickton picked up prostitutes from an impoverished Vancouver neighbourhood and took them to his farm."_ [25]

Next we'll step into the world of online pornography. As mentioned earlier, these topics have not been brought forward as a perspective, but rather, as an expose of the reality of 21st Century Culture in many corners of the planet.

To set things up, I'd like you to read this paragraph taken from a commentary written by Henry A. Giroux called America Descends into Madness, but it very well could have read "The World":

America is descending into madness. The stories it now tells are filled with cruelty, deceit, lies, and legitimate all manner of corruption and mayhem. The mainstream media spins stories that are largely racist, violent, and irresponsible —stories that celebrate power and demonize victims, all the while camouflaging its pedagogical influence under the cheap veneer of entertainment. Unethical grammars of violence now offer the only currency with any enduring value for mediating relationships, addressing problems, and offering instant pleasure. A predatory culture celebrates a narcissistic hyper-individualism that radiates a near sociopathic lack of interest in or compassion and responsibility for others.

Here is the  link for the full article _._

Online Pornography

There is a correlation between online porn and pedophilia. There is an estimated one million pornographic videos and/or images of children online right now. In addition, child predators often use Internet porn to lure in young people. The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children states that almost half of all child predators have child porn on their computers. The child porn industry could be generating as much as $50 billion per year.

_Pornography addiction often starts in the childhood years and can get worse unless the victim receives therapeutic treatment. Children are becoming addicted to pornography at startling rates. Most children view their first pornographic image online at the age of 11, and by the time they are 17, about 80 percent of them have watched pornographic videos online. At least 20 percent of children have admitted to receiving sexual solicitations from adults online. Perhaps most frightening of all, at least two in five of all teen abductions are initiated through the Internet._ [26]

If you research the statistics, porn revenue has actually decreased in the last few years all while human trafficking, sex slavery and illegal arms/drugs/prostitution have increased.

Just six years ago, global porn revenues were estimated at $20 billion, with $10 billion coming from US consumers.

However, by 2011 both global and U.S. porn revenues had been reduced by 50%, due in large part to the amount of free pornography available online. It is estimated that 80-90% of Internet porn users only access free online material.

_As far as online pornography is concerned, from 2001 to 2007, the Internet porn industry went from a $1-billion-a-year industry to $3-billion-a-year in the US alone._ [27]

Like it or not, porn is part of 21st Century pop-culture and the general population's indifference to it has allowed it to infiltrate everything. We no longer become offended when someone says 'ho', which is an adaptation of the word 'whore', which is slang for 'prostitute'. It's printed on t-shirts, ball-caps and used ad nausea in certain music genres about as much as the word 'bitch' is – both derogatory, angry words, yet no one seems to notice. I suppose it goes under 'Freedom of Expression.' Right, wrong or somewhere in between, it is what it is.

**Pop Culture** : _is the entirety of ideas, perspectives, attitudes, memes, images, and other phenomena that are within the mainstream of a given culture_

_2010] Research has found that nearly 42% of songs contain very explicitly sexual language. Lyrics revolve around topics such as sexual promiscuity, rape, death, homicide, suicide, and substance abuse. Rap music in particular often carries messages of violence, racism, homophobia and hatred towards women as well as drug, tobacco, and alcohol use – all of which are glorified._[ [28]

Before I'm accused of bashing artists, or more specifically black rap artists, I am not. Art is **not** the seed of the moral (or immoral) fabric of society. Art is a **reflection** of the society it was created within.

That being said, the best selling book of 2012 was written by a white woman, and critics say it revolves around a sado-masochistic relationship. It earned the author 95 million and will be released on film in 2014. I rely on what the critics said because I had no desire to read it.

_The] earnings from her erotic novel, which seduced a vast readership with its combination of breathless romance and sado-masochism, saw her leapfrog top-earning stalwarts Danielle Steel and Stephen King._[ [29]

**Sado-masochism** _: The combination of sadism and masochism, in particular the deriving of pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting or submitting to physical or emotional abuse_

If 21st Century pop-culture is not providing clues to where the critical mass of society is headed, maybe the next few topics might.

Suggested Movie

Edmond (2005)

Porn and the Pentagon

WASHINGTON -- A major federal investigation has found that dozens of military officials and defense contractors, including some with top-level security clearances, allegedly bought and downloaded child pornography on private or government computers.

The Pentagon on Friday released investigative reports spanning almost a decade that implicated individuals working with agencies handling some of the nation's most closely guarded secrets, including the National Security Agency and the National Reconnaissance Office, which operates U.S. spy satellites.

According to federal investigators, a computer repair shop had alerted the police after finding "thousands of possible child pornography images" on a hard drive brought in by a man who worked for the Naval Air Warfare Center in China Lake, Calif. The suspect died of pulmonary disease in 2009 before he could be charged, a report said.

In June 2003, a technician checking for a computer virus discovered what appeared to be child pornography on the computer of a contractor for the Security and Intelligence Directorate of the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, or DARPA, in Arlington, Va.

Because many important details are blacked out in the documents, it is impossible to determine precisely how many individuals with ties to the Pentagon were either charged with or suspected of receiving child pornography.

The federal investigation of military workers was part of a broader effort initiated in 2007 under the code name "Operation Flicker." That project had identified more than 5,000 individuals who subscribed to child pornography websites.

Here is the  full article, written by Anne Flaherty for The Huffington Post.

Humanity has evolved sexually in a very short time – from hiding a Playboy magazine under a pillow in the 1950's to viewing an all-you-can-consume buffet of sex, which includes violent sexual acts in varying degrees and the degradation of women and children.

Extreme pain and suffering seems to be the new pleasure, and even children, who were once considered sacred, are no longer protected from the world's evils.

Children are put to work in sweatshop facilities to make designer clothes and plastic products sold half way around the world. They are forced into child-soldiering to commit heinous crimes on a twisted leader's behalf and they are sold, abducted or lured into becoming sex slaves for those who have lost their souls.

As for the children living in so-called progressive, industrialized societies, they watch whatever they can get their eyes on through computers, laptops, sensational news channels, cell phones, movies and videos – a lot of it violent or sexual in content.

Porn Linked to Violence

When something isn't working, humans seek alternatives. When they are no longer sexually satisfied with their chosen mates, they seek another. If they can't get one physically, they seek one virtually. Then the simple virtual sexual experience loses its impact so the viewer seeks more, and more to illicit the thrill they seek. Boundaries? What boundaries. There is a war on terror and a war on drugs. There is no war against those who use and abuse women and children for visual pleasure.

_Numerous studies have been conducted to determine the effects of sexual materials on viewers and readers. To date—at least when discussing mutually consensual, softcore, nonviolent erotica and pornography—little evidence proves either negative or positive effects. However, violent pornography that depicts women in a degrading, humiliating, or demeaning manner may have different, more negative effects in terms of domestic violence, rape, and sexual harassment. The topic of the effects of pornography is controversial and hotly debated, and many experts call for more research in this area._ [30]

... _Ordinary experience confirmed by studies conducted around the world has recognized the evil effects of pornography and violence in the media. Pornography in the media is understood as a violation, through the use of audio-visual techniques, of the right to privacy of the human body in its male or female nature, a violation which reduces the human person and human body to an anonymous object of misuse for the purpose of gratifying concupiscence; violence in the media may be understood—especially in this context—as a presentation designed to appeal to base human instincts of actions contrary to the dignity of the person and depicting intense physical force exercised in a deeply offensive and often passionate manner._

Specialists may disagree among themselves about how and to what degree particular individuals and groups are affected by these phenomena, but the broad outlines of the problem are stark, clear and frightening.

... _While no one can consider himself or herself immune to the corrupting effects of pornography and violence or safe from injury at the hands of those acting under their influence, the young and the immature are especially vulnerable and the most likely to be victimized. Pornography and sadistic violence debase sexuality, corrode human relationships, exploit individuals—especially women and young people—undermine marriage and family life, foster anti-social behavior and weaken the moral fiber of society itself._ [31]

One country has made an attempt to limit and criminalize violent pornography, but the freedom fighters say it's an attack on their personal rights and freedoms. Here is one article and one country's story.

Iceland vs. Violent Porn

_A progressive country, Iceland believes that porn violates women's civil rights, undermines gender equality, and that Icelanders have a collective interest in protecting their children from the predatory porn industry – which they view as a form of cultural imperialism._ [32]

Iceland's porn ban 'conflicts with the idea of a free society', say critics

Anti-censorship campaigners have called on Iceland to ditch its proposals to ban pornography online and in print, labeling the plans "an affront to the basic principles of society".

The plans for web censorship are seemingly at odds with Iceland's liberal culture and the crowd sourced constitution currently working its way through the Icelandic parliament.

_Its motivations, however, lie in tackling sexual violence, particularly children's exposure to explicit and violent sexual material. Research shows the average age of first exposure to online porn is 11._ [33]

Suggested Books

Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexuality, Gail Dines

11 Minutes, Paulo Coelho (2013)

Sexual Addictions

_Sex addiction is a major problem in our society. Some estimate that as many as 15 million people in the U.S. are sexual addicts_ _(roughly 8% of all men and 3% of women). Easy access to porn offered by the internet has most likely increased the prevalence of sexual addiction in the past decade. In fact, for most people getting porn addiction help specifically is the problem_ _._

_The costs for those suffering from sex addiction are also numerous: Relationships and families are disrupted and destroyed, the addict's self-esteem diminishes as they are unable to be productive in other areas of their life; illegal activity (like prostitution) ends up causing arrests, and health is often affected through the contraction of diseases._ [34]

So what's it going to be - rights and freedoms or censorship? Have humans lost their own ability to refrain from harmful things? Apparently. Maybe that's what people mean by a Nanny-State. We need to be taken care of because we no longer put the responsibility on ourselves.

Do we continue down a road where love is absent from sexual gratification or try to figure out a way to put love at the center of a physical connection with another? Here's what porn is doing to our relationships, whether you're ready to admit it or not.

Porn and Relationships

A group of scholars, social scientists, and psychologists are sounding alarm bells that pornography is much more harmful to society than most people think.

The group recently revealed before the National Press Club startling new evidence of how widespread porn has become in the U.S.

For instance, take a look at these whopping stats (2010):

• _Americans rent 800 million pornographic videos every year - that's one in five of all video rentals._

• _Sixty-six percent of men ages 18 to 34 years old visit one or more of the 40,000-plus porn Web sites every month._

• _One in four women worry their partner's pornography habit is "out of control."_

For instance, men consuming porn rate their partners much less attractive than do those who avoid porn. For many porn addicts, when it comes to a real partner, it renders them nearly impotent or much less satisfied with their partner.

• _"If they had to choose between an actual sex partner who is in the bed and waiting for them, and going online, they'd go online," University of Pennsylvania psychologist Mary Anne Layden said of porn addicts she's studied._

• _Couples where the man consumed high amounts of pornography reported much less satisfaction in the bedroom. Porn users cheat more and go to prostitutes more._

• _Discovering their men's porn use has left many women feeling betrayed and distrustful. Almost three-fourths say it's hurt their self-esteem._ [35]

Studies have highlighted predominant male-use of Internet porn, but women have their sexual addictions too. The following article written by a woman is a personal account of her story.

The Internet is a dangerous place for any sex addict, but for female sex addicts, there is the extra appeal of judgment-free access to an endless stream of sex partners willing to offer intimacy, flattery, money and whatever else it takes to get our attention...

By the time I moved to New York City at 18, I was well versed in the art of self-soothing through masturbation, pornography and casual sexual relationships, cyber and otherwise. But it wasn't until I discovered Craigslist, the community message board, and its well-populated sections for dating, sex work and casual sexual encounters, that flame truly met gasoline.

_For many heterosexual women, Craigslist and other hookup sites make finding your preferred partner and scenario as easy as ordering a pizza. I don't know any other addiction where you can write a few sentences, press a button and then be treated to offer after offer of your substance of choice. Women experience this advantage in real life too, of course, but may find it easier to exercise online, where risk of rejection is less immediate and personal. While most women could probably walk into a bar and point to the guy they'd like to take home, not many of them are bold enough to do so, unless behind a veil of Internet anonymity...._ [36]

Perhaps if we look within and attempt to fix our own broken pieces, we will no longer break the pieces belonging to someone else.

Suggested Website

Pornography Addiction Help: Resources for Pornography Addiction Addicts and Their Families

No doubt this has been an uncomfortable set of topics for many readers to absorb. Nonetheless, I felt it necessary to bring to light the not-so-good-side of human behaviour as a means to evolve into something better - where sexual partners are no longer bought and sold, exploited or manipulated.

Sex is one of the foundations of human development according to Maslow's Hierarchy and we've now witnessed its evolution as a basic need to an insatiable want.

As we move up the pyramid we find our social needs in the middle. According to Maslow, humans are social creatures who need relationships with friends, family and loved ones. Our social /familial relationships have evolved just as our sexual relationships have, and not necessarily for the better.

Social/Familial Relationships

_"It has become exceedingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity."  
_ _-Albert Einstein_

**Social** : relating to society, an interaction between people

**Familial** : common to families

Humans with access to the Internet are interacting within a digital community more and more while they interact within their local communities less and less. They may do both, but a large percentage of people who participate in an online culture spend far more time honing those skills than they do their interpersonal skills. We have become adept at apps, the intricacies of social networking, texting and emails while we've become inept at real-life communication with people we care about.

The Impact of Social Media on Relationships

It's a little ironic that, as social media pushes the virtual friend count to new heights, the culture as a whole is getting ever more isolated. Researchers say that Americans have fewer close confidants outside family than ever before. One in four have no confidants at all. A study at the University of Michigan reported that 75 percent of college students have lower empathy than their peers did 30 years ago, which isn't going to boost the social cause; neither will a spike in students' narcissism over that same period, documented in research at San Diego State University.

Exploding social media hasn't dented the social isolation trend of the last couple of decades. It's a reminder that there's no substitute for the real social deal -- folks you've actually met in person, with whom you've shared experiences and built intimacy that goes beyond the surface chatter. There's no doubt you meet some great folks online, as I have, but the social animal needs to connect more than superficially with others of the tribe. Our core psychological need for "relatedness," say researchers, mandates that we have close relationships with others.

Our real-life social networks are hugely important, and vanishing. Many suburban streets these days look like ghost towns -- there's not a soul to be seen. Humans emerge only to go to and from work. Even the kids are inside, buried in video games. Neighbors who might be burning up the social media pages inside their homes barely know each other outside.

Over the last three decades, Americans have become less and less participant-oriented and more and more audience members. We are less likely to join groups, from sports teams to civic groups, than we used to be. We are more likely to live alone. More social isolation feeds less empathy and fewer social skills. We get so used to dealing with people via e-mail or online that we forget how to function around live humans.

Here is the full article:  Is Social Networking Destroying Our Social Lives? Joe Robinson

As our online relationships with strangers grow, the relationships with those we know diminish. If we spend more time interacting with our phones, we must be spending less time interacting with one another. No one added more minutes to an hour, hours in the day or days to the week. There's only so much time to go around.

The truth of the matter is we've replaced human contact with digital contact – often to the point of addiction.

**Addiction** : dependence, obsession, compulsion, habit, something done at the expense of something else

Internet Addiction

Kimberley Young, a U.S. Psychologist, has made it her mission to draw attention to Internet/online addictions. An excerpt from an article found in The Globe and Mail, by Harvey Schachter shares her concerns:

Internet addiction is an impulse-control problem. It occurs when people can't control their urges, and are lured away for unreasonable lengths of time by the Internet. Often, some deeper psychological problems, such as depression, loneliness or anxiety, underlie the addiction. "People don't just get addicted to the Internet. Something else is happening in their lives," she stresses.

She has defined four types of Internet addiction:

_Cybersexual:_ _Individuals are caught up in viewing, downloading, and trading online pornography or involved in adult fantasy role-play chat rooms._

_Online affairs:_ _Individuals become so involved in chat rooms, instant messaging or social networking sites that such relationships can become virtual adultery. Online friends become more important than real-life relationships, leading in many cases to marital discord and family instability._

_Internet gambling or buying:_ _Addictions to online gaming, online gambling, and eBay can involve the loss of considerable sums of money and hamper job-related duties or significant relationships. Many communities – or at least, sizeable numbers of citizens within them – worry about the ill effects of a new casino being built in their jurisdiction, but these days casinos are a click of the mouse away._

_Compulsive surfing:_ _The wealth of information available on the Internet has created a new type of compulsive behaviour involving excessive web surfing and database searches. Ms. Young's centre notes that obsessive-compulsive tendencies and reduced work productivity are typically associated with this behaviour._ [37]

There is more at stake than broken marriages, infidelity and gambling addictions. In extreme cases of Internet/Online addictions, including excessive gaming, users with children have neglected their parental responsibilities.

Child Neglect and Internet/Mobile Addictions

[2013] You probably remember seeing it on the news: Kim Yoo-chul and Choi Mi-sun were so obsessed with the virtual world Prius that they allowed their infant daughter to starve to death.

While the U.S. media hasn't reported on the story since it broke in 2010, the couple was not found to be culpable for manslaughter because the court recognized their internet addiction as a mental disorder that absolved them of blame.

Valerie Veatch, the co-director of last year's Sundance and HBO hit "Me at the Zoo," headed to South Korea to follow up on this story for her new film, "Love Child."

_Korean culture is all about collective organization in groups, and online gaming is the best example of such group activities. Most people prefer playing online games with their existing real-world friends in PC bangs. The PC bang culture also fits well with Korean public bath culture where groups of family and friends do the same activities rather than being more independent." To quote the film's current synopsis, the filmmakers are investigating "how today's Korean gaming culture seeks harmony, in a world where virtual is the new reality."_ [38]

Here is another perspective about the impact digital addictions have on family relationships.

A generation of young people is growing up with a virtual addiction to computers, televisions and smartphones with striking similarities to alcoholism, according to Dr. Aric Sigman.

By the time they turn seven, children born today will have spent the equivalent of an entire year of their lives watching some form of small screen, he told an audience of doctors.

The effect could be long-term changes to children's brain circuitry similar to those in other forms of dependency, he said.

He told the Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health annual conference in Glasgow that parents need to "regain control" of their households.

_He said: "Passive parenting' in the face of the new media environment is a form of benign neglect and not in the best interests of children. Parents must regain control of their own households."_ [39]

Still not convinced that online addictions have a negative impact on family relationships?

From author George F. Drinka, M.D., creator of When the Media is the Parent:

Our children are being nurtured and guided by machines — modern media delivery systems – and the media they deliver. They have taken over the parenting functions that once were performed by human beings.

_This may sound like a horror movie plot from the 1950s, but it is a twenty-first century reality. All too often, well-meaning parents have abdicated their roles as nurturers, caregivers, teachers, confidantes, guides, and role models—leaving TV, videogames, movies, smart phones, and the Internet to fill in. And our children are paying the price_.

Link: When the Media is the Parent, George F. Drinka, M.D.

Suggested Song

 In Repair, Our Lady Peace (2000)

Suggested Website

Net Addiction: The Center for Internet Addiction, Kimberly Young

Let's leave the world of Internet addictions behind and take a look at what an average two-parent with children family relationship looks like in an Industrialized Nation. That's not to say a single parent, or couples without children aren't considered a family. Of course they are. I'm just using it as an example.

The Evolution of the Modern Family

Once upon a time there was a Father who went to work (or hunted for food) and a Mother who stayed home. His primary responsibility was to bring home the money (or the food to sustain his family and community), and her primary responsibility was to be at home to raise the children and keep the home-fires burning.

The Industrial Revolution, urban sprawl, the invention of machinery, the pursuit of happiness and the American 'material' dream increased the modern family's need for money and possessions. If we were to keep up with the "Jones's" and keep up with society, then we were going to have to bring in more money, borrow more money and buy more things.

When we needed more money, the women went to work. When the women went to work, the family's standard of living and quantity of material possessions increased. As more people began to accumulate material possessions, economies boomed.

As economies boomed, there were lots of jobs. With lots of jobs, there were lots of paychecks. Bank accounts, monetary assets and possessions grew, real estate values rose, company stocks and bonds soared – all while time spent at home with the children and with spouses shriveled.

Cause and effect right? The justification for the lack of time spent with family went something like this: _We're doing this so our kids are better off than we were_ , and so the modern family was born. Quality time was replaced with quality goods.

Typically, the decision to have children came down to " _can we afford them_?" And, since both parents needed to work to support a modern lifestyle, primary caregivers of infants, toddlers and children consisted of full-time babysitters, nannies from foreign cultures or a day care center.

Parents were no longer the primary caregivers, at least not nearly as much as a non-family member or third party, and that meant breast-feeding wasn't a viable option.

Breastfeeding declined amongst modern populations around the globe, and babies were put on a steady diet of manufactured formulas found in a can, instead of breast milk.

Breastfeeding vs. Formula

Breastfeeding reduces infections in babies, boosts their immune system and prevents obesity. Breastfeeding may even help mothers by lowering the risk of developing diabetes, high blood pressure and cardiovascular disease as they age.

So why aren't more women doing it?

Health experts are increasingly concerned about the lack of increase in breastfeeding rates in Canada, which they say is tied to a lack of support for mothers from the medical community and the influence of formula manufacturers.

A Statistics Canada report released last month came to different conclusions, and found that about 24 per cent of Canadian women breastfed their children exclusively for six months or longer in 2009.

_Breastfeeding can become a divisive topic, pitting proponents against those who feed their babies formula._ [40]

Here is a little more on the breastmilk vs. formula debate.

For centuries, when a woman could not feed her baby herself, another lactating woman, or 'wet nurse', took over the job. It is only in the last 60 years or so that we have largely abandoned our mammalian instincts and, instead, embraced a bottle feeding culture that not only encourages mothers to give their babies highly processed infant formulas from birth, but also to believe that these breastmilk substitutes are as good as, if not better than, the real thing.

Infant formulas were never intended to be consumed on the widespread basis that they are today. They were conceived in the late 1800's as a means of providing necessary sustenance for foundlings and orphans who would otherwise have starved. In this narrow context – where no other food was available – formula was a lifesaver.

However, as time went on, and the subject of human nutrition in general – and infant nutrition, in particular – became more 'scientific', manufactured breastmilk substitutes were sold to the general public as a technological improvement on breastmilk.

Here is the full article from 2006: Baby Formula: What Baby Formula Makers Wont Tell You About Formula

Absentee Parenting

In traditional cultures around the world, infants' were/are attached to their mothers 24/7 until old enough to move around on their own. Toddlers and young children were/are watched over by extended family and members of the community if Mom and Dad weren't available for short periods of time.

In modern, progressive, industrialized societies, babies are brought home from the hospital and put to sleep in a room of their own, left to cry themselves to sleep so they don't get spoiled, and are shuffled off to the baby sitter or daycare center for a full day, as early as a few weeks or a few months old.

Although many modern cultures promote a stay-at-home period for the first year of childhood, many parents opt to go back to work early. Some do so because they can't afford their lifestyles by staying at home or can't make ends meet while on government sponsored 'parental benefits' if they've even qualified to receive them. Other progressive families cut their maternity leave short because at-home parenting isn't as fulfilling as their professional careers. Nonetheless, very young children are placed into environments without their parents for most of the day. When they grow old enough to know how to work a digital device, they spend most of their day with that.

Today, the primary influence on industrialized children beyond infancy and early toddler-hood is no longer human. The next generation's primary influence is found in an online, robotic, digital network that is accessed through a global web of fiber optic cables, satellites and androids.

Suggested Song

Wake Up, Arcade Fire (2005)

Worldwide research says 3 years of age is the average for a child to have access to digital information (video games, learning tools, Internet, etc.). By age 11 most industrialized children will have their own personal android device.

**Android** : Machine, zombie, robot

Impressionable young humans used to mimic the characteristics of those they interacted with. It was common for infants and children to imitate the mannerisms, habits and behaviours of their primary caregivers.

If a child's primary caregiver is not human, will they imitate the mannerisms, habits and behaviours of their android device? If they're not learning how to be human, they're learning how to be a robot. Critical thinking, problem solving, patience, emotion, love and a whole lot of other things don't exist in the android world.

And so, the opposite of absentee parenting is attachment parenting. Let's learn about that next.

Relationship Attachments

Attachment Parenting

Attachment parenting focuses on the nurturing connection that parents can develop with their children. That nurturing connection is viewed as the ideal way to raise secure, independent, and empathetic children. Proponents of this parenting philosophy include the well-known pediatrician William Sears, MD. They make the case that a secure, trusting attachment to parents during childhood forms the basis for secure relationships and independence as adults.

Here are three of the principles of attachment parenting _:_

• _Engage in nighttime parenting._ _Attachment parenting experts advise making "co-sleeping" arrangements. With co-sleeping, an infant sleeps in the same room with parents so they can feed and emotionally soothe the child during the night. Some parents practice "bed-sharing" or sleeping in the same bed with babies. It's thought that this creates an even more secure attachment. Precautions are advised, though, to help prevent sudden infant death syndrome, or SIDS._

• _Provide constant, loving care._ _Proponents of attachment parenting advise the nearly constant presence of a parent. That includes during walks, parents' night out, and work. They advocate against childcare for more than 20 hours a week for babies younger than 30 months old._

• _Practice positive discipline._ _Parents are advised to distract, redirect, and guide even the youngest of babies, and to model positive behavior. Attachment parenting aims at understanding what a child's negative behavior is communicating. And parents are encouraged to work out a solution together with a child, rather than spanking or simply imposing their will on children._ [41]

In some cases, parents have gone to the extreme of over-protecting their children, and that causes a whole other set of issues.

Over-Protective Parenting

When parents do too much protecting in an effort to make their children's lives stress-free, it often has the opposite effect, says Dr. Resa. Children eventually become depressed and suffer anxiety disorders that he attributes to obsessed parents. There's not much enjoyment in overprotective homes because of the parents' constant drive to make everything perfect for their children. Instead of creating happy and stress-free environments, overprotective parents often accomplish the opposite, actually preventing their children from leading happy lives in the long run.

_Adults gain confidence by working hard and mastering whatever it is they seek to accomplish, and children gain it the same way. But if overprotective parents, who hate to see their children struggle, do tasks for them, those children are not given the opportunity to develop their own skills and, as a result, go through life lacking confidence. Overprotective parents are sending the message that their children are not capable of doing an adequate job or that they don't trust their children to make the right decisions._ [42]

Next we'll attempt to learn the Science behind how and why we bond with others the way we do, or in some cases, why we don't bond with anyone at all.

Attachment Disorder

Children with attachment disorders or other attachment problems have difficulty connecting to others and managing their own emotions. This results in a lack of trust and self-worth, a fear of getting close to anyone, anger, and a need to be in control. A child with an attachment disorder feels unsafe and alone.

_Attachment disorders are the result of negative experiences in an] early relationship. If young children feel repeatedly abandoned, isolated, powerless, or uncared for—for whatever reason—they will learn that they can't depend on others and the world is a dangerous and frightening place_[.[43]

The Attachment Theory and Child-Caregiver Relationships

John Bowlby's Attachment Theory is a good theory. It suggests that our very first human bond, whether good or bad, will become the template of our bonds with others throughout our lifetime. As we've seen with the previous discussions, our early relationships have much to do with our future relationships.

The theory of attachment was originally developed by John Bowlby (1907 - 1990), a British psychoanalyst who was attempting to understand the intense distress experienced by infants who had been separated from their parents. Bowlby observed that separated infants would go to extraordinary lengths (e.g., crying, clinging, frantically searching) to prevent separation from their parents or to reestablish proximity to a missing parent.

According to Bowlby, the attachment system essentially "asks" the following fundamental question: Is the attachment figure nearby, accessible, and attentive? If the child perceives the answer to this question to be "yes," he or she feels loved, secure, and confident, and, behaviorally, is likely to explore his or her environment, play with others, and be sociable.

_If, however_ _, the child perceives_ _the answer to this question to be "no," the child experiences anxiety and, behaviorally, is likely to exhibit attachment behaviors ranging from simple visual searching on the low extreme to active following and vocal signaling on the other. These behaviors continue until either the child is able to reestablish a desirable level of physical or psychological proximity to the attachment figure, or until the child "wears down," as may happen in the context of a prolonged separation or loss. In such cases, Bowlby believed that young children experienced profound despair and depression._

The Attachment Theory and Adult Relationships

Although Bowlby was primarily focused on understanding the nature of the infant-caregiver relationship, he believed that attachment characterized human experience from "the cradle to the grave." It was not until the mid-1980's, however, that researchers began to take seriously the possibility that attachment processes may play out in adulthood.

Hazan and Shaver (1987) were two of the first researchers to explore Bowlby's ideas in the context of romantic relationships. According to Hazan and Shaver, the emotional bond that develops between adult romantic partners is partly a function of the same motivational system--the attachment behavioral system--that gives rise to the emotional bond between infants and their caregivers. Hazan and Shaver noted that the relationship between infants and caregivers and the relationship between adult romantic partners share the following features:

• _Both feel safe when the other is nearby and responsive_

• _Both engage in close, intimate, bodily contact_

• _Both feel insecure when the other is inaccessible_

• _Both share discoveries with one another_

• _Both play with one another's facial features_

• _Both engage in "baby talk"_

On the basis of these parallels, Hazan and Shaver argued that adult romantic relationships, like infant-caregiver relationships, are attachments, and that romantic love is a property of the attachment behavioral system, as well as the motivational systems that give rise to caregiving and sexuality.

" _Whether an adult is secure or insecure in his or her adult relationships may be a partial reflection of his or her experiences with his or her primary caregivers."_

Here is the full scholarly article for you _:_ A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research, R. Chris Fraley/University of Illinois

Now I'd like to link the attachment theory to you, the grown up. Think about your adult relationships. Have you fallen into a pattern of anxiousness or avoidance or are you secure most of the time?

Ever wondered why you become clingy as soon as you have a partner? Or why you're unable to stick in a relationship for long? New research has found that the way we act in relationships is pre-determined by which 'attachment type' we are.

Everyone - whether they have just started dating or have been married for 40 years - falls into one of these categories. By understanding which one you are, you can view your own behavior and the actions of people around you in a new light.

Anxious

You have the capacity for great intimacy. But you often fear that your partner does not wish to be as close as you would like. Relationships tend to consume a lot of your emotional energy. You are sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner's mood and you take your partner's behaviour overly personally.

Avoidant

It is important for you to maintain your independence and you often prefer autonomy to intimacy. While you do want to be close to others, you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arm's length. You don't spend much time worrying about being rejected. You tend not to open up to your partner and they often complain that you are distant. In relationships, you are often on high alert for signs of control or impingement by your partner.

Whether you are single or in a relationship, you are always keeping people at a distance by using various 'deactivating strategies'.

Secure

_Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you. You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationships. You take things in your stride, effectively communicate your feelings and are good at reading your partner's emotional cues. You share your successes and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him/her in times of need._ [44]

The Attachment Theory and Dating

If you're active in the world of dating, the website askmen.com provides an article about the attachment theory as it pertains to needy girlfriends. Women can easily supplant the 'girlfriend' theme with 'boyfriend', since men can be needy too.

Based on the kinds of relationships we have with our parents and our past romantic partners, humans develop a way of relating to significant others that scientists term an "attachment style." Understanding the psychology of needy women and knowing your woman's attachment style can reveal a lot about her psychological issues and help you determine whether or not she's worth dating.

When it comes to attachment styles, there are two dimensions: fear of being abandoned and avoidance of closeness. A person can be low or high in either of these dimensions, which results in four different attachment styles: assured, needy, distant, and scared.

• _The assured girlfriend: Low fear of being abandoned + low avoidance of closeness_

• _The needy girlfriend: High fear of being abandoned + low avoidance of closeness_

• _The distant girlfriend: Low fear of being abandoned + high avoidance of closeness_

• _The scared girlfriend: High fear of being abandoned + high avoidance of closeness_

_Here is the full article:_  The Psychology of Needy Women _, Farah Averill_

Attached to the TV: The 20th Century Babysitter

By the time the 1970's rolled around, a growing number of children in Western Culture were referred to as 'latchkey' kids – they came home to an empty house after school while both parents worked. TV became the primary babysitter and when parents did come home each member of the family would retreat to their own TV-equipped rooms to unwind in front of the screen. Access to mainstream television, satellite TV or cable, was a sign of a progressive, financially successful modern family and as such, this popular cultural activity spread all over the world.

The Kids Aren't Alright, The Offspring (1998)

Here is what the experts at The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry have to say about the generation of children who have/had TV as their primary influence.

Children in the United States watch an average of three to four hours of television a day. By the time of high school graduation, they will have spent more time watching television than they have in the classroom. While television can entertain, inform, and keep our children company, it may also influence them in undesirable ways.

Time spent watching television takes away from important activities such as reading, school work, playing, exercise, family interaction, and social development. Children also learn information from television that may be inappropriate or incorrect. They often cannot tell the difference between the fantasy presented on television versus reality. They are influenced by the thousands of commercials seen each year, many of which are for alcohol, junk food, fast foods, and toys.

Children who watch a lot of television are likely to:

• _Have lower grades in school_

• _Read fewer books_

• _Exercise less_

• _Be overweight_

_Violence, sexuality, race and gender stereotypes, drug and alcohol abuse are common themes of television programs. Young children are impressionable and may assume that what they see on television is typical, safe, and acceptable. As a result, television also exposes children to behaviors and attitudes that may be overwhelming and difficult to understand_.[45]

In the 21st Century, mass consumption of television is quickly being replaced by the mass consumption of the Internet.

Attached to the Internet: The 21st Century Babysitter

There is limited research information available on the effects of Internet use on the human population because it is still relatively new. The Internet didn't exist for mainstream society much before 1999 yet within the past decade you'd be hard-pressed to find a society anywhere on the planet that hasn't experienced the Internet at least once. My daughter travelled to a remote village in Kenya in 2009 and met a Masai Warrior guide. He had a cell phone.

As with any piece of human evolution, one step forward usually brings a step backward in something else.

Today's children may be better educated (more information doesn't mean better information), are connected to the world at large and are technologically advanced as compared to their ancestors, but there is a downside. Today's children are showing signs of _distress_ in the areas of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual health that their ancestors did not.

The consumption of mass amounts of online information if not balanced, regulated or supervised, is likely to impact children and adolescents in the following ways:

Exposure to Violence

• _Learned aggressive behavior_

• _Desensitization_ (see below)

Addiction

• _They deprive themselves of sleep in order to spend more time on-line_

• _Neglect other important activities such as work, family and friends, or socializing_

According to Dr. Kimberly S. Young, assistant Professor of Psychology, University of Pittsburgh at Bradford, the vulnerables are those who are lonely, bored, depressed, introverted, lack self esteem, or have a history of addictions.

Studies show that overuse of the Internet can genuinely restrain teenagers' experiences in life, their performance academically, overall happiness, and physiological wellbeing.

The full PDF document is available for download: The Impact of Internet Use on Children/Adolescents.

Desensitization comes from an overexposure to violence. Indifference comes from an overexposure to violence. Stress and anxiety comes from an overexposure to violence. Increased dependence on mind-altering substances comes from an overexposure to violence. Shutting down and shutting off comes from an overexposure to violence.

I'd like to quote another segment of an article by Henry A. Giroux titled Violence, USA that's rather fitting here:

Violence in everyday life is matched by a surge of violence in popular culture. Violence now runs through media and popular culture like an electric current. As the New York Times reported recently, "The top-rated show on cable TV is rife with shootings, stabbings, machete attacks and more shootings. The top drama at the box office fills theaters with the noise of automatic weapons fire. The top-selling video game in the country gives players the choice to kill or merely wound their quarry."

_Under such a warlike regime of privatization, militarism, and punishing violence, it is not surprising that the Hollywood film The Hunger Games has become a mega-box-office hit. The film and its success are symptomatic of a society in which violence has become the new lingua franca. It portrays a society in which the privileged classes alleviate their boredom through satiating their lust for violent entertainment, and in this case a brutalizing violence waged against children._ [46]

The full Violence, USA article can be found here.

Suggested Song

Somewhere I Belong, Linkin Park (2011)

Desensitization

Why are we the way we are about violence and senseless slaughter? I suggest that much of our desensitization has transpired on a national level since we have lived through decades surrounded as a people by brutal images our media has pushed on us.

How many times has each of us seen and heard automatic weaponry rat-tat-tatting on TV sets or in the movies? How many kids are taking deep pleasure in playing at mass murder in video games night and day? And how many quarrels have broken out in American households between parents who wish their kids to study or go to bed and their children who wish to watch more action movies, commit more murders on their screens? We may see this all as fictional, but this blood-splashed imagery has seeped, I suggest, deeply into our sensibilities as a people.

As social science researchers in the field of media violence have made clear via their voluminous studies, incessant watching of media violence not only leads to trends in many kids toward greater bullying and violence, but also it enhances our children's desensitization to violence.

So these kids immersed in fictional violence are more likely to perceive real violence as acceptable, as a reasonable way to solve any problem.

_Because many of us have been reared on this media diet in which brutal, perverse and gratuitous violence is the norm, naturally we will tolerate high levels of violence in our society._ [47]

Take a look at the popular movies and video games of the 21st Century. It's entertainment, they say. When did watching someone be killed, traumatized, or victimized become entertainment? The fact that mainstream society spends millions of dollars creating it and millions of hours consuming it should be alarming in itself - and if it isn't alarming, or if it's easily justified, then desensitization is the new global epidemic.

Suggested Song

Time is Running Out, Muse (2009)

We are all too familiar with recent events where children and young adults act out violent scenarios within their real-life communities, so I will not detail them here. Suffice to say, we have become a collective human family who no longer consider our children as a gift to be protected both physically and emotionally.

The next generation of humans, our children, are brought into the world through two parents, many of which opt for the institutional union known as marriage. Let's talk about that next.

The Evolution of Marriage

Marriage, as we know it in our Western civilization today, has a long history with roots in several very different ancient cultures, of which the Roman, Hebrew, and Germanic are the most important. Western marriage has further been shaped by the doctrines and policies of the medieval Christian church, the demands of the Protestant Reformation and the social impact of the Industrial Revolution.

When we look at the marriage customs of our ancestors, we discover several striking facts. For example, for the most of Western history, marriage was not a mere personal matter concerning only husband and wife, but rather the business of their two families, which brought them together. Most marriages, therefore, were arranged. Moreover, the wife usually had much fewer rights than her husband and was expected to be subservient to him. To a considerable extent, marriage was also an economic arrangement. There was little room for romantic love, and even simple affection was not considered essential. Procreation and cooperation were the main marital duties.

A growing number of [couples] find the demands of strict monogamy for 20, 30, of 50 years too exacting, and, sooner or later, they seek a divorce. Thus, in our century, the divorce rate in the United States has steadily gone up to the point of one divorce for every three marriages, and the trend continues.

_However, the present high divorce rate does not seem to mean that marriage is obsolete, since, in fact, today more people are getting married than ever before. It only means that they no longer conceive of it as a lifelong commitment. Not only in public, but also in private life, men and women have begun to value their personal happiness higher than the maintenance of traditional institutions. Under the circumstances, it is not surprising to find that more and more children live in one-parent families, at least temporarily. Divorced and even unmarried parents often prefer to take care of their children alone, instead of seeking "protection" in some hasty marriage._ [48]

The world of reality television and mainstream media continue to promote marriage in the 21st Century. Let me rephrase that. Reality television and mainstream media promote _weddings,_ and weddings are big business.

The Wedding Industry

[2013] Last year the average American wedding, including the requisite reception, cost $28,427. In affluent areas, the cost is even higher: In Boston, the average price of a wedding is $39,239; in Santa Barbara, Calif., it's $42,319; and in Manhattan, $76,687. In other words, many couples are spending on a single event lasting a few hours the equivalent of a year's tuition at college, or what the average American makes in an entire year. This nuptial extravagance is being driven by what some have called the "wedding industrial complex" — a $70 billion business sector comprising all the dressmakers, florists, reception halls, event planners, photographers, caterers, limo firms, DJs, bands, and jewelry designers that many people now consider necessary for a wedding that matches their dreams. Many young couples feel such pressure to keep up that they're staging ceremonies and receptions they really can't afford, says Rebecca Mead, author of One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding. "The whole culture of extravagant weddings encourages women to think that they have to do it, even though they're not going to be able to pay next month's rent — or even the DJ," Mead says.

_In the wealthy United Arab Emirates, the average nuptials cost $80,000 and can last as long as a week. China's $57 billion wedding industry is growing at an average annual rate of 7.8 percent, and India's is expanding by 25 percent a year. One trend among wealthier Indians is to fly the entire baraat — the wedding party of 300 to 400 guests — to exotic locales such as Singapore and Macau. Wherever it occurs, "it's easy to mock" such excess, said wedding planner and blogger Meg Keene. But the wedding industry succeeds, she said, because people everywhere share a common fantasy — to be "the star of the show for a day."_ [49]

I've listed one resource if you want more information on the history of marriage. Otherwise, we're going to continue with the evolution of marriage as it pertains to religion, race, ethnicity, culture and sexual identity.

Suggested Reading

The History of Marriage, Elizabeth Abbott (2010)

Suggested Song

Marry You, Bruno Mars (2010)

  [50]

Marriage and Religion

I remember my Mother telling stories of her Mother as a young woman in the early 1900's in Toronto, Canada. She fell in love with a black man, but wasn't allowed to marry him (she was white). Some time after that, she fell in love with a Catholic (she was Anglican), and she wasn't allowed to marry him either. She settled on my Grandfather, a WW1 Veteran from Eastern Europe (gossip said he was a German soldier escapee who somehow acquired a Danish passport so he could defect to Canada). Regardless, he was white and he wasn't a Catholic so my Great Grandparents approved, and together they raised four children of which my Mother was the baby, born in 1933. My Mother said she didn't remember her parents ever saying the words "I love you" to each other or to her.

Interracial and inter-religious issues pertaining to marriage were indicative of the time period several generations ago. Surely, the same progressive world that accepts pornography, guns, prostitution, widespread violence, environmental devastation in the name of globalization, and war and murder under certain circumstances - would accept two people who want to get married despite a difference in religious upbringing. Right?

_2013] If you think the days of religious persecution are behind us, look no further than Myanmar where last week Buddhist leaders proposed a law banning Buddhist women from marrying men of another faith in order to preserve nationality and religion. This controversial legislation stems from a deadly and divisive movement initiated by a Buddhist monk, Ashin Wirathu, whose "969" campaign has caused a wave of anti-Muslim violence that has allegedly led to over 40 deaths in Myanmar since March. With so much segregation and conflict in the world surrounding faith, it seems that we may never understand one another until we start letting love do the talking._[ [51]

One familiar inter-religious marital issue stems from Ireland - and the long-standing differences between the Protestant and Catholic populations.

If the current trend were to continue... there would be no Protestants in the Republic of Ireland by 2042. However there is evidence from the decade following the last census in 1991 that Protestantism in the Irish Republic may finally be making a recovery. This is based on several observations:

• _The Catholic Church recently dropped the requirement that the children of Catholic-Protestant marriages be brought up Catholic. Since much of the Protestant decline has been attributed to this rule, this abolition may well stem the Protestant decline._

• _The Republic of Ireland is becoming much more liberal, and has recently been removing the Catholic Church from the special position it once enjoyed in the country. This will inevitably reduce discrimination against Protestants, helping to stem the flow of Irish Protestants out of the Republic to the United Kingdom._

• _In the past decade, the Methodist church [a Protestant denomination] has reported that its membership in county Dublin has increased for the first time in over a century. This is apparently due mainly to Catholics converting to Protestantism._

• _The Irish Catholic church has recently been plagued by scandals involving the abuse of children, and this caused a significant backlash against the church by some of its members who either stopped attending church or began attending Protestant churches. This has been a catalyst to the recent growth of Protestantism in the Dublin area._ [52]

The next example is from India, which is considered one of the world's most progressive and emerging economies of the 21st Century. It is a story of a young couple persecuted by their families due to their differing religious backgrounds.

[2012] On the run since they fell in love two years ago, this dreamy-eyed, young couple's seemingly dramatic story has two unusual villains - their own kin and, ironically, the local police.

Manish, 21, whose father is a small-time clerk at a government office and Sameera, who hails from a well-to-do Muslim household, had eloped from their south Delhi homes in early April this year and have been running from pillar to post to save their marriage ever since.

"We got married at a city court on April 2 and started getting telephonic threats, mostly from my parents and sometimes from my husband's family's side, the same evening,"

... _"I finally decided to approach the local police with a complaint two weeks later, when things got so out of hand that [we] couldn't even travel together. Soon, they started appearing at my workplace and creating a ruckus almost daily,"_

... _Seeking police assistance, however, did little as they were allegedly turned away with a simple assurance that their complaint 'had been received'. The number of calls multiplied and the intensity of the threats they issued started bordering on nothing less than death._

_Days later, Manish was allegedly assaulted by a few member of Sameera's family while dropping her off at college for an exam in late April. Her family's animosity towards her husband now left Sameera with little to do except being absent from college for one exam after another - and, finally, dropping an entire academic year out of the fear of her own family._ [53]

If opposing religious views are enough cause for the persecution of two people who want to get married, what is the alternative, an arranged or forced marriage?

Arranged Marriage

The practice of arranged marriages began as a way of uniting and maintaining upper caste families. Eventually, the system spread to the lower caste where it also was used for the same purpose. The specifics of arranged marriages vary; depending on if one is Hindu or Muslim." Marriage is treated as an alliance between two families rather than a union between two individuals" (Prakasa 15). Ninety-five percent of all current Indian marriages are arranged, either through child marriages or family/ friend arrangement.

_The Child Marriage Restraint Act of 1929-1978 states that the legal age for marriage is 18 for females, and 21 for males, with most females being married by 24 and most males being married by their late twenties (McDonald). However, many children, age 15 and 16 are married within a cultural context, with these marriages being neither void or voidable under Hindu or Muslim religious law, as long as the marriage is not consummated until the legal age of 18 for females and 21 for males._ [54]

Arranged marriages can be successful and become loving over time. Some advocates suggest the Western institution of marriage has it backwards.

Some arranged marriages are consensual and the couple enter into it for the love of their culture, their role within it and because they believe in tradition. When entered into with pure intentions and through agreement (not coercion), love between husband and wife has an opportunity to evolve and grow with time.

Alternatively, the Western ideal of marriage occurs when people fall in love _first_ – sometimes at the expense of their culture and tradition. The problem with that is, love often gets confused with lust, convenience, social or familial pressures, security, familiarity and stability. As time goes on, some married couples come to realize they don't love their partners anymore. Some come to realize maybe they never did. Maybe we don't actually fall out of love. Some say true love never fades or ends and even though you may not be with them, you never stop loving them.

Church and State, the founders of the Institution of marriage are the ones that make and break all the rules surrounding marriage. The people simple follow along. English History tells of King Henry VIII who separated from the Roman Catholic Church so he could marry and divorce...six times.

[King Henry VIII] was acutely aware of the importance of securing a male heir during his reign. He was worried that he had only one surviving child, Mary, to show for his marriage to Catherine, who was now in her 40s. So the king asked Cardinal Wolsey to appeal to Pope Clement VII for an annulment and it soon became clear he wanted to marry Anne Boleyn, who had been a lady-in-waiting to his first wife.

But, unwilling to anger Catherine of Aragon's nephew – the most powerful ruler in Europe, the Holy Roman Emperor Charles V – the Pope refused. Thomas Wolsey's ascendancy was cut short by this failure.

_In 1533, Henry VIII broke with the church and married the now pregnant Anne Boleyn in a secret ceremony. Henry was ex-communicated by the Pope. The English reformation had begun._ [55]

**The English Reformation** _: Henry VIII's break with Rome was an act of state, promptly primarily by political motives, but many of those who supported Henry were appalled at the abuses rife in the Catholic Church and at the corruption of the Papacy. Some of these went further and sympathized with the growing Protestant movement._ [56]

Suggested Song

Bad Religion, Frank Ocean (2012)

What about forced marriage – when two people are required to legally commit to one another and have no say in it? Who are these people, and why does this happen in modern society?

Forced Marriage

Forced marriages involve varying degrees of force, coercion or deception, ranging from emotional pressure by family or community members to abduction and imprisonment. Emotional pressure from a victim's family includes repeatedly telling the victim that the family's social standing and reputation are at stake, as well as isolating the victim or refusing to speak to her. In more severe cases, the victim can be subject to physical or sexual abuse, including rape.

_Forced and child marriage mainly affects young women and girls, although there are cases of young men and boys being forced to marry—especially if there are concerns about his sexual orientation. Reliable statistics on forced marriage are difficult to compile due to the unofficial and, therefore, undocumented nature of most forced marriages. In 2003, the International Centre for Research on Women estimated that more than 51 million girls under 18 years were married and they expected the figure to rise to over 100 million within the next ten years. Similarly, in 2006, experts estimated that thirty-eight percent of young women aged 20 to 24 in the fifty least developed countries were married before the age of 18._ [57]

Just because we don't' hear about it in mainstream news does not mean it does not exist. This is not ancient history, it is happening now.

[August 2013] _Typically, Karma Nirvana gets about 6,500 calls per year from people worried that they're being forced into marriage, though that number is growing as the charity raises awareness about the issue. Last year, Britain's Foreign Office's Forced Marriage Unit dealt with about 1,500 cases of forced marriage — the oldest victim was 71 years old, and the youngest was only two._

_Most forced marriages in Britain occur among residents of South Asian ancestry — last year, almost half the forced marriages documented in Britain were among Pakistani families, with Bangladesh, India and Afghanistan among the other most common countries of descent. The marriages are most common during the summer holidays, when the victims — more than four out of five of whom are girls or young women — will be taken back to their homelands for "vacation," only to meet a man they may never have seen before who they'll be forced to marry. Victims don't always know when or if the marriage will occur, so Karma Nirvana is trying to spread the word to potential victims that they should call the charity if they have any fears that they might be forced into marriage. The charity is also working with airport officials in Britain to educate them about potential signs of forced marriage, including one-way tickets, travelling during the summer, whether the travelers look uncomfortable and, of course, whether they has spoons in their underwear._ [58]

Dowry Deaths

Dowry death, like domestic violence, is the kind of term that hides the reality. It should be called murder, because it's not an accidental or natural death. It's a premeditated, deliberate, cold-blooded act of murder and solely for profit, because the bride's parents could not pay up.

Imagine the horror of being forcibly held down, doused in kerosene or petrol (the commonest modus operandi) and set ablaze.

' _According to the National Crime Records Bureau (NCRB) data, there were 8,391 reported cases of dowry deaths in 2010. Just under double the number of cases registered in 1995 – 4,648 cases. For every dowry death reported, there are dozens that go unreported. Of the 8,391 reported cases in 2010, although 93.2 per cent were charge-sheeted, the conviction rate was a miserable 33.6 per cent. The murderers and their families get away with it. What's worse, they go scot free and bring back another bride._ [59]

Honor Killings

[2010] It's one of the last great taboos: the murder of at least 20,000 women a year in the name of 'honour'. Nor is the problem confined to the Middle East: the contagion is spreading rapidly.

It is a tragedy, a horror, a crime against humanity. The details of the murders – of the women beheaded, burned to death, stoned to death, stabbed, electrocuted, strangled and buried alive for the "honour" of their families – are as barbaric as they are shameful. Many women's groups in the Middle East and South-west Asia suspect the victims are at least four times the United Nations' latest world figure of around 5,000 deaths a year. Most of the victims are young, many are teenagers, slaughtered under a vile tradition that goes back hundreds of years but which now spans half the globe.

_A 10-month investigation by The Independent in Jordan, Pakistan, Egypt, Gaza and the West Bank has unearthed terrifying details of murder most foul._ [60]

The distinctive nature of 'honour' based crimes, which distinguish them from other forms of domestic abuse is the collective nature of the crime, where many members of an extended family collude in the act and may act in concert. In some cases this may be formal and organised, where a 'family council' is held by male family members and senior women who decide if a woman should be killed and work out the best method for carrying out the act.

The other aspect is the aspect of the control of women's bodies, and in particular their sexual behaviour, by the family as a collective, where it is believed that any failure to conform to the norms of the community reflects upon her entire family...

...' _Honour' killings occur as the last resort in a spectrum of forms of violence and coercion. This may include crimes such as forced marriage, violence, threats and harassment. There are often forms of emotional abuse, such as threatening disownment, or to divorce the victim's mother, amongst other threats to family members. Parents may feign illness, suggesting that the woman's nonconformity is causing them to suffer physical harm._ [61]

Acid Attacks

More than 8,500 acid attacks, forced marriages and other forms of violence against women were reported in Pakistan in 2011, according to The Aurat Foundation, a women's rights organization. Because the group relied mostly on media reports, the figure is likely an undercount.

Younus was a teenage dancing girl working in the red light district of the southern city of Karachi when she met her future husband, the son of Ghulam Mustafa Khar, a former governor of Pakistan's largest province, Punjab. The unusual pairing was the younger Khar's third marriage. He was in his mid-30s at the time.

_The couple was married for three years, but Younus eventually left him because he allegedly physically and verbally abused her. She claimed that he came to her mother's house while she was sleeping in May 2000 and poured acid all over her in the presence of her 5-year-old son from a different man._ [62]

Suggested Website

Honour Based Violence Awareness Network

Suggested Movie

Saving Face, A Documentary (2012)

Let's travel to North America to view marriage from another corner of the globe.

Marriage vs. Politics and Religion

When people get married they have to apply and pay for a marriage license where the fees go into political coffers. Then, the ceremony takes place in a religious institution where more fees go into different coffers. When a marriage breaks down, it costs thousands of dollars to get out of it. Why do we get married for whose benefit exactly?

Is marriage a union... sanctified by God? Or is marriage a legal contract between parties as defined by the state, witnessed by the state, and justified by the state? It appears from the references above that the latter holds true. A marriage is not a religious ceremony — to be sure, you can always include a religious ceremony, if you so choose. Instead, a marriage is a civil act presided over by an official of the state or a person licensed to act as an official of the state. This is an important clarification to note since it is becoming obvious that the Christian Church — by its own actions — has supplanted God with government.

As a Church, we have allowed government to define that which is a blessing from God. And we accept the state's definition without question. To the Church, a couple is considered married if and only if they possess a valid, state-issued license stating the same. And a couple is divorced if and only if the state has granted the divorce. By agreeing to this state of affairs, the church has put the state before God.

_Now, my good friends, we have done this to ourselves. Our religious forefathers used the power of government to exalt the Church. You see, we — the Church — didn't want just anyone performing marriages. No, we wanted only a select few to sanctify the union of husband and wife. We sought legislation that would create a privileged class; a class — licensed clergy, civil judges, etc. — defined and controlled by the state. It worked for a while, but we now reap that which we sow_.[63]

Defined and controlled by the state indeed.

Marriage vs. Race, Ethnicity and Culture

Marriage vs. Canada's Aboriginal/First Nations Women

Before European contact, women were treated as equal to men in their societies. In Iroquoian and West Coast Longhouse Societies there were always both men and women leaders. They often took on leadership roles and had full voice when making decisions for the community. However, the forced assimilating of Native societies into the colonial hierarchical and patriarchal societies' culture created gender inequity within Native communities.

_One of the most influential Acts contributing to female- male inequality is the Indian Act of 1876 Canada]. In the Indian Act, all Native women lost access to their original communities as well as the right to participate in the leadership of the communities. Native women marrying non-status men or white men lose their status and their children's status as Indians. This puts Native women in difficult situations since even if separated from her husband she will not gain back her Indian status and will not be able to go back home to her reservation. Native women marrying into another band will lose membership in her original band and gain membership into her husband's band. However, gaining membership into her husband's band does not mean that she also gains power, voice, and influence._[ [64]

_In 1982, the Canadian constitution was amended to include the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. Section 15 of the Charter states that that "every individual is equal before and under the law and has the right to the equal protection and benefit of the law without discrimination based on race, national or ethnic origin, colour, religion, sex, age, or mental or physical disability"._ [65]

In 1981, the United Nations found Canada in breach of Human Rights violations (See Sandra Lovelace case). Then, in 1985, after pressures and several cases of gender discrimination before the Supreme Court, Canada amended its Indian Act to restore status to those who had previously lost it.

One of the most familiar inter-racial marriage struggles comes from the United States between blacks and whites. Here is a brief history of that relationship.

Interracial Marriage in the USA

_1664_ _: Maryland passes the first British colonial law banning marriage between whites and slaves - a law that, among other things, orders the enslavement of white women who have married black men_

_1871_ _: Rep. Andrew King (D-MO) proposes a U.S. constitutional amendment banning all marriage between whites and people of color in every state throughout the country. It will be the first of three such attempts._

_1912_ _: Rep. Seaborn Roddenbery (D-GA) makes a second attempt to revise the U.S. Constitution in order to ban interracial marriage in all 50 states._

_1922_ _: While most anti-miscegenation laws primarily targeted interracial marriages between whites and African Americans or whites and American Indians, the climate of anti-Asian xenophobia that defined the early decades of the 20th century meant that Asian Americans were also targeted. In this case, the Cable Act retroactively stripped the citizenship of any U.S. citizen who married "an alien ineligible for citizenship," which - under the racial quota system of the time - primarily meant Asian Americans._

_1964_ _: This Florida Statute was struck down: "Any negro man and white woman, or any white man and negro woman, who are not married to each other, who shall habitually live in and occupy in the nighttime the same room shall each be punished by imprisonment not exceeding twelve months, or by fine not exceeding five hundred dollars."_

_2000_ _: Following a November 7th ballot referendum, Alabama becomes the last state to officially legalize interracial marriage._ [66]

This is not ancient history – it is recent history.

Interracial Sex and Nobody's Children

Historically, the church, community, politics and society frowned upon interracial marriage. Interracial sex however, was permitted if they could get away with it.

The children born from parents of different races were not always celebrated or accepted by either side. More often than not, they were outcast from both sides and seen as a threat to the purity of each race. Or worse, interracial children became a painful reminder to friends, family and the public of a forced, taboo or unacceptable sexual union. Although some children were conceived out of love, many were not - and those little ones were brought into a racially divided world that didn't want them.

_They grew up as the leftovers of an unpopular Viet Nam] war, straddling two worlds but belonging to neither. Most never knew their fathers. Many were abandoned by their mothers at the gates of orphanages. Some were discarded in garbage cans. Schoolmates taunted and pummeled them and mocked the features that gave them the face of the enemy—round blue eyes and light skin, or dark skin and tight curly hair if their soldier-dads were African-Americans. Their destiny was to become waifs and beggars, living in the streets and parks of South Vietnam's cities, sustained by a single dream: to get to America and find their fathers._[ [67]

There were countless children born of Black Slave Mothers and White Slave Owner Fathers throughout the 15th-19th Centuries in the U.S.A.

Slavery in America began when the first African slaves were brought to the North American colony of Jamestown, Virginia, in 1619, to aid in the production of such lucrative crops as tobacco. Slavery was practiced throughout the American colonies in the 17th and 18th centuries, and African-American slaves helped build the economic foundations of the new nation.

_By the mid-19th century, America's westward expansion, along with a growing abolition movement in the North, would provoke a great debate over slavery that would tear the nation apart in the bloody American Civil War (1861-65). Though the Union victory freed the nation's 4 million slaves, the legacy of slavery continued to influence American history, from the tumultuous years of Reconstruction (1865-77) to the civil rights movement that emerged in the 1960s, a century after emancipation._ [68]

_Slave women were forced to comply with sexual advances by their masters on a very regular basis. Consequences of resistance often came in the form of physical beatings; thus, an enormous number of slaves became concubines for these men. Most often the masters were already bound in matrimony, which caused tension and hatred between the slave and the mistress of the house. Many "mulatto" or racially mixed children also resulted from these relations. Because the "status of the child" followed that of his or her mother, the child of a white man would not be freed based upon patriarchal genealogy. These children also became a sore reminder for the mistress of her husband's infidelity._ [69]

The original Metis - born from Native women and White Colonizers in Canada, were not recognized as either Aboriginal or White in land claims, treaty negotiations or Indian Status according to the Indian Act.

January 2013: The Federal Court ruled Tuesday that Metis and non-status Indians qualify as "Indians" under the Constitution Act of 1867, and therefore fall under the jurisdiction of the federal government.

Both groups had been in a sort of jurisdictional limbo for decades.

_They argued they are entitled to some or all of the same rights and benefits as First Nations peoples living on reserves, including access to the same health, education and other benefits Ottawa gives status Indians, such as being able to hunt, trap, fish and gather on public land._ [70]

Here is a little bit of Canadian History about how the Metis came to be.

The Jesuit Father Vivier in 1750 first introduced the derogatory term half-breed. He believed the very existence of being Metis was against the Laws of God. The English first called the Metis 'those Peddlers' (about 1750) and later called them 'those Canadians'. The French were called 'those French Canadians'. The English would later also adopt the French term Half Breed.

_The Jesuit also called the Metis, Couriers des Bois meaning illegal runners of the forests but more commonly used the terms savage, heathen or half-breed. The A.F. Ewing Commission of 1935 decided a Metis as, "a person had to either look like an Indian or be able to establish Indian ancestry. They also had to live the life of an ordinary Indian and non-treaty Indians would be included" as Metis. Malcolm Norris a member of the Commission maintained that, "if a person has a drop of Indian blood in his veins and has not assimilated in the social fabric of our civilization he is a Metis." This assimilation assumption is a European belief that is based on paternalistic logic._ [71]

Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Development defines being accepted within social and familial relationships as an integral part of our journey to connect with our sense of self. Marriage, common-law relationships, committed relationships, sexual relationships and our relationships with our primary caregivers as children, will contribute to - or take away from - our journey towards the 'self'.

Cultural society (each defined by their own set of rules) continues to classify, treat, reject or include individuals based on a set of criteria. Add sexual orientation of an individual to the rules of classification, and we get the same-sex marriage dilemma.

Marriage and Sexual Orientation

I have a cousin who is gay. When I was little (he's about 20 years older than I am), he always brought his male best friend to all of our family gatherings. I didn't know they were gay. I didn't know what gay was. All I knew was Claude was a part of our family and I loved him as much as I loved any other member of our extended family. Years later, Claude went away and my cousin got married to a woman. I don't even remember her name. The marriage didn't last that long. My cousin eventually fell in love again – with a same-sex partner - and together they enjoyed a loving relationship until death separated them. They loved, they lived, and they died.

Relationships come and go but we are who we are despite what people tell us we should or shouldn't be. The sooner we come to know our true self and are permitted to be 'it', the sooner we will have authentic relationships. Human relationships won't evolve into loving relationships while we subscribe to the façade of what or who we 'should' be, which is currently defined by politics, religions, social expectations, cultures and a whole lot of other criteria, depending on where you live.

As of 2013, it is not legal to marry someone of the same gender in the majority of the Countries around the world.

Additionally, most of the U.S. prohibits same sex marriage. If a State recognizes what they call a "civil union", a gay couple does not have the same rights under the law as heterosexuals.

Here's a brief history of the same sex marriage struggle in the U.S.

_September 21, 1996 –_ _President Bill Clinton signs the Defense of Marriage Act banning federal recognition of same-sex marriage and defining marriage as "a legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife."_

_February 20, 2004 -_ _Sandoval County, New Mexico, issues 26 same-sex marriage licenses, but they are nullified by the state attorney general the same day._

_February 24, 2004 -_ _President George W. Bush announces support for a federal constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage._

_January 18, 2005 -_ _The Louisiana State Supreme Court reinstates the constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage that was thrown out in October 2004._

_November 4, 2008 -_ _Voters in California approve Proposition 8, which will amend the state's constitution to ban same-sex marriage. Voters in Arizona and Florida also approve similar amendments to their state constitutions._

_February 23, 2011 -_ _The Obama Administration instructs the Justice Department to stop defending the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act in court._

_September 30, 2011 -_ _The U.S. Department of Defense issues new guidelines allowing military chaplains to perform same-sex ceremonies._

_February 7, 2012 -_ _A three-judge panel with the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco rules that Proposition 8, the voter-approved same-sex marriage ban, violates the Constitution._ [72]

Approximately thirteen countries recognize same-sex marriage in 2013 (Canada did so in 2005). Only a small portion (13 States) of the U.S. recognizes same-sex marriage. They have been slow to publicly accept a gay population and instead swept them behind the curtain with policies like " _Don't Ask, Don't Tell_ ", which applied to gay personnel within the U.S. Military.

_Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT), byname for the former official U.S. policy (1993–2011) regarding the service of homosexuals in the military. The term was coined after Pres. Bill Clinton in 1993 signed a law (consisting of statute, regulations, and policy memoranda) directing that military personnel "don't ask, don't tell, don't pursue, and don't harass." When it went into effect on October 1, 1993, the policy theoretically lifted a ban on homosexual service that had been instituted during World War II, though in effect it continued a statutory ban. In December 2010 both the House of Representatives and the Senate voted to repeal the policy, and Pres. Barack Obama signed the legislation on December 22. The policy officially ended on September 20, 2011._ [73]

Suggested Song

Same Love, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (2012)

Suggested Movies

Serving in Silence (1995)

Out of Annapolis (2010)

Suggested Book

Unfriendly Fire, Dr. Nathaniel Frank (2009)

Summary

If we refer back to Maslow's Theory, we've learned that sex and social/familial relationships are an integral part of human development. That being said, Maslow did not hypothesize that only _some people_ were allowed to develop to their potential.

When two people commit to one another, fall in love, move-in together, become exclusive or get married, sometimes the union comes to an end. Every beginning has an end, right? Haven't we heard the famous quote " _nothing lasts forever_ " over and over again? If we've been conditioned to the fact that nothing lasts forever, why are we so devastated when a marriage or partnership ends?

Let's move on to the world of break-ups and divorce and see if we can find a way to move in and out of our romantic relationships with a little more grace than we have been.

Suggested Song

Something That I Used to Know, Gotye (2011)

Breakups and Divorce

" _I broke up with someone, and she said, "You'll never find anyone like me again." And I'm thinking, 'I hope not!' Does anybody end a bad relationship and say, "By the way, do you have a twin?""  
_ _Larry Miller_

If you were to think of your family, friends, co-workers and social circle, what is the percentage of people who have been or are headed towards a divorce or breakup? In my family both parents were married to other people before they married each other and out of their blended family of six children, all but one has been divorced at least once.

Our Grandparents used to stay married forever. Depending on the generation and culture you were born into, some of you may have parents who are still together - but a large percentage of you don't. And, out of those who are stay married, how many marriages are good ones?

The Evolution of Divorce

Before 1970, divorce was relatively uncommon and difficult to get. Fault was usually required-one of the spouses must have committed a crime or sin that justified the divorce. There needed to be adultery, abandonment, cruelty, intoxication or some other reason that made it necessary to end the marriage.

When Society Changes, Divorce Changes

Changes in the law explain part of why divorce was on the rise, but it does not tell the whole story. While the law was changing, society was also changing.

Women became a strong presence in the workforce. They no longer depended on their husbands to support them. This independence allowed them to leave an unhappy marriage and still provide for themselves.

Divorce also became more acceptable. The guilt and fault of the old divorce laws were gone. As more couples separated, divorce gradually became a normal part of life.

In short, many couples that would have previously remained married now chose divorce.

Other changes may also explain why divorce increased, including:

• _Cohabitation (living together) has become acceptable. Research shows that couples that live together before marriage are more likely to divorce._

• _A divorced person who remarries after a divorce is much more likely to get divorced again._

• _Children of divorced parents are more likely to get divorced. As the number of divorced parents increases, so will the number of their children that get divorced._ [74]

The end of a relationship can feel as if we've experienced a death and we go through a grieving process regardless of who broke up with whom or why.

My Dad once told me grief was a part of life, no one escapes it - but he also told me grief was a selfish emotion. It wasn't until I experienced my first broken heart that I truly understood what he meant.

Our ego plays a very big role in how we handle the end of a relationship. Our ego, according to popular definition, is our sense of self, self-esteem and/or self- image.

When we refer to someone as having a big ego we are referring to the way they admire or project themselves as better than someone else. That's an _over-inflated_ ego.

We all have an ego. It's that thing inside of us that drives us towards getting what we think we want for our _self_.

When someone leaves our lives, we lose something. Humans don't like to lose things.

The Grieving Process

Imagine yourself as a child. You are enjoying a handful of your favorite candy or playing with a favourite toy. Someone snatches it from you when you weren't quite finished with it. You cry. You get angry. You are shocked. You lash out. You become sad. You sense loss and you want it back. For that moment the only thing your entire self is focused on, is what was lost.

The child who gets something taken away from them goes through the same things an adult does when they get something taken away from them. You grieve because of what you're going to miss, what you don't have any more, what your life will be like without 'it', what you've lost and what you'll never have. Grief is all about you, what was and what could have been. Everyone grieves – it's part of being human - but some people have figured out a healthy way of grieving while some have not.

Let me ask you something.

If you cut your hand, what happens? You heal from the regeneration of new cells, right? Sometimes you need a few stiches, a bandage or even surgery, but you heal once your body goes through a specific skin-rebuilding process one step at a time.

Similarly, when you bang into something your skin forms a bruise. Does it last forever? No. It goes through a process, changes colour, and then disappears. When you crack a bone, it eventually fills back in. If you break a bone, it will eventually heal with the help of splints, casts, surgeries, pins, etc. It may not return to its original state but your body will adapt. If your body doesn't adapt, you die. It's not personal – it just 'is'.

Is it reasonable for us to assume our emotional injuries have a natural, built in healing process just as our physical injuries do?

The Healing Process

_After consulting with hundreds of clients, I noticed there are distinct differences between the people who emotionally heal and those who don't. The ones that heal have followed through with all of the steps [of the] Emotional_ _Healing_ _Process_.

_The stages of the grief model are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The additional stage... is forgiveness_.

Clients who have followed and experienced the six stages... are the ones who have truly emotionally healed. These individuals are confronted with traumas of a less severe nature than the experience of death and bereavement. Some examples are relationship breakups, job loss, an illness, financial despair, etc. The most frequent challenge we see people face is the grieving for the life 'I thought I should be living.'

Here is a brief definition and description of each stage:

_1._ _The Denial Stage_ _: Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to acknowledge and accept 'what is.' It is a defense mechanism. Some people spend their entire lives in denial. The result is staying stuck in relationships and situations that are unsatisfying and anything less than gratifying._

_2._ _The Anger Stage_ _: Anger can manifest in a variety of ways. It can be outward toward other people like rage, or inward toward ourselves resulting in isolation and negative emotions. It is important to acknowledge your anger. It is more important to be willing to let it go!_

_3._ _The Bargaining Stage_ _: Bargaining never provides a sustainable solution. We bargain or seek a compromise when fear gets the best of us. This is when we sabotage progress and success in our lives and in our quest for inner peace._

_4._ _The Depression Stage_ _: The title of this is deceiving because it is truly an indicator you are beginning to accept, with emotional attachment, your past and your present. At this point, you may feel sadness, regret, remorse, fear and uncertainty. You have begun to release and remove the barriers and blocks to peace._

_5._ _The Acceptance Stage_ _: This stage indicates that you have emotionally detached yourself from your past and its regrets, the present and what are your current circumstances and the future, with all that is yet to be. By accepting 'what is' you begin to take inspired action and see people and the world very differently._

_6._ _The Forgiveness Stage_ _: Experiencing forgiveness inherently means you are experiencing inner peace. Forgiveness does not mean you condone someone's inappropriate behavior or stay in an unhealthy situation or relationship. Forgiveness is an act you do for yourself to set yourself free! Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been different. When you are able to finally see people for who they truly are and not for who they appear to be, what they said or what they did or didn't do, you have awakened to live life in your natural state. You realize that we are all on the same journey._ [75]

There are countless examples of the inability to heal emotional wounds. Instead of turning inward to learn how to adapt to the end of a relationship, some people turn outward and inflict their emotional pain onto the person they believe is responsible for it.

Here is an example of what happens in the West, when someone chooses to inflict violence and abuse on the very people they profess to love.

Domestic Violence

• _Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten._

• _Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family._

• _Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined._

• _Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually._

• _Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a breakup._

• _Everyday in the US, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends._

• _Ninety-two percent of women surveyed listed reducing domestic violence and sexual assault as their top concern._

• _Domestic violence victims lose nearly 8 million days of paid work per year in the US alone—the equivalent of 32,000 full-time jobs._

• _Based on reports from 10 countries, between 55 percent and 95 percent of women who had been physically abused by their partners had never contacted non-governmental organizations, shelters, or the police for help._

• _The costs of intimate partner violence in the US alone exceed $5.8 billion per year: $4.1 billion are for direct medical and health care services, while productivity losses account for nearly $1.8 billion._

• _Men who as children witnessed their parents' domestic violence were twice as likely to abuse their wives compared with] sons of nonviolent parents._[ [76]

Suggested Song

Never Again, Nickelback (2002)

Suggested Website

 Help for Abused and Battered Women

To end this topic of discussion I'd like to leave you with a piece of a poem written by Canadian Author Donna Milner, dedicated to the women and children who need everyone's help to evolve from the emotional and physical scars left by their violent relationships.

And We the women of the world Are free to choose our own path through life And if that path should take... A Korean student down a jogging trail by Lost Lagoon in Stanley Park, A middle-aged mother on her bicycle down a quiet country road in the Cariboo, A First Nations daughter, sister, friend, down the darkened streets of East Vancouver, Or a young woman in Coquitlam to the corner bus stop in the early morning mist, She goes without fear of attack, without fear of the dark, For there is no evil lurking in the shadows And the only difference between day and night is the degree of light.

And We the Men of the world Stand beside you under the same sun, the same moon, the same stars And if we should put our arms around you there in the darkness It is with love... and agreement. We are the people of the world All nations, colours, races, religions and creeds We do no harm to one another with weapons or with words Because we could not bear the pain. We are connected, We are one. We have no locks, no gates, no borders. In our homes, our communities, our world, There is no violence. There is only Peace.

Pray for it.

The next topic within the relationship breakdown is child custody. Children are often caught in the crossfire of legal definitions and battles, parental wants, emotional warfare and control when the end of a relationship occurs.

Child Custody

The popular 50/50 child custody arrangement usually means the children spend half their time with one parent and half with the other. Is it always beneficial to the child? No. Although in principle it sounds fair and right, most parents and legal counsels have forgotten the detrimental impact of living out of a perpetual suitcase.

I'd like to share the downside of 50/50 custody with the hopes that each arrangement going forward is worked out from a child's perspective and not the parents' or lawyers'. Sometimes it doesn't make sense to split everything down the middle, sometimes it does.

The Negative Effects of Shared Custody

A child under shared custody must shuffle back and forth from the mother's house to the father's house. Children who have these kinds of setups have trouble identifying their real home. They do not have that sense of feeling at home because they keep on transferring from one home to another. Many times, children have difficulty adjusting since they lose the feeling of having a stable home. Instead, they refer to their parents' houses as 'Mom's House' or 'Dad's House' but never 'my home.' They always travel, and they do not have the chance to fully settle in a place of their own.

Discrepancies

Shared custody removes the consistency in a child's life. What can be allowed in one house may not be allowed in the other house. Bedtimes may be different, as well as general house rules. There is no consistency, and the child has to adjust over and over again. This is especially difficult for parents, as well, because the child starts to compare and contrast his or her parents. Instead of having a peaceful and relaxed relationship together, there might be a lot of inconsistencies in the way the parents bring up their children, which could encourage children to manipulate the parents.

Duplicates

This simply means double expenses for the whole family. Two houses mean that everything has to be doubled. Children under shared custody usually have their own places in two houses, as well as clothing, furniture, toiletries and many others. It results in more expenses and a need to duplicate everything. Studies show that only 50% of kids who experience shared custody go to college, mainly due to financial problems.

Children Feel Isolated

_It is not a surprise that some children form stronger attachments to one parent than the other. Shared custody encourages this. The child tends to have a favorite parent, and would do anything to be with that parent. He or she then begins to resent going to the other, therefore making a clear gap between the parent and the child. Moreover, there are some times that parents do not keep up with their own children, and may end up blaming each other because something wasn't done since somebody thought that the other one already did it. The middle of the conflict is always the child, who may have the full impact of the whole setup._ [77]

In addition to the emotional cost that comes from mishandling child custody arrangements, the financial cost is huge.

The "Fight-for-Custody" Industry

[2011] New figures obtained by The Sunday Telegraph show hundreds of millions of pounds of taxpayers' money is spent on legal advice to divorcing couples, helping parents fight child custody battles, or trying to restrain violent partners.

Warring families are also using the civil legal aid system to sue over contested wills, argue between siblings over inheritance and even argue in court about the names of their children after divorces.

Critics said the figures revealed the true cost of "broken Britain", and how lawyers were profiting from family separations.

_The cost of family breakdowns has risen dramatically over recent years. Lawyers representing parents in child custody cases against each other or the state now charge £468 million in legal aid fees each year._ [78]

The United States nation's 10.4 million divorces are estimated to have cost the taxpayers over $30 billion. Drilling down discretely, the cost that the taxpayer are paying off to the government includes child support enforcement cost of $37.7 million, domestic violence programs cost of $9.7 million and child abuse and neglect cost of $113.4 million whereas not including any welfare benefits to mothers who are dependent. If the divorce rates are reduced in any measurable fashion, it will save the taxpayers substantial dollars.

A sociology professor Steven Nock and U. Iowa Law and Economics professor Margaret Brinig were the first ones who studied this subject. They found out that as the divorce costs are too much for an ordinary person, the court proceedings may be stretched for a year or more. They also calculated that $175 billion is spent annually on divorce, mostly on litigation.

_Divorce has become a very big and successful business in the United States. According to the information provided by a web- site that is geared toward divorce and remarriage, divorce is a $31 billion-a-year industry with an average cost of about $20,000._ [79]

When parents fight over their children the situation is often made worse when one parent attempts to alienate the child from the co-parent.

Malicious Parent/Alienation Syndrome

A syndrome of divorce related hostilities that affect children has been described by Richard Gardner, MD, who labeled it the "Parental Alienation Syndrome."...Here, the custodial parent successfully engages in a variety of maneuvers to alienate the child from the non-residential parent. Once successfully manipulated, the child becomes "...preoccupied with deprecation and criticism of a parent - denigration that is unjustified and/or exaggerated."

Although, the mother is usually the custodial parent and often has more opportunity to engage in manipulating the children, I have also seen fathers indulge in parental alienation against mothers.

The main characteristics are as follows:

• _An alienating parent punishes his/her divorcing or divorced spouse by: Attempting to alienate their mutual children from the other parent, relating character-assassinating stories to the children and others about the other parent and/or Involving others in malicious actions against the other parent._

• _The alienating parent may attempt to deny his/her child(ren) regular uninterrupted visitation with the other parent, uninhibited telephone access to the other parent or parental participation in the child(ren)'s school life and extracurricular activities_

• _The pattern is pervasive and can include malicious acts towards the ex-spouse including: Lying to the children, lying to others, engaging in excessive litigation, violations of law_

Furthermore, most victim-parents cannot afford the financial requirements involved.

_Some victim-parents find the alienation attempts so painful and fruitless that they eventually "give up." Placed in a no-win situation, the parent's "abandonment unfortunately achieves the precise result aimed for by the malicious parent... These malicious behaviors, if successful, sometimes lead a child not only to hate the victim-parent, but perhaps to go years without seeing him/her. The goal of the alienator is to deprive the lost parent of a relationship with the child._ [80]

Child custody battles including emotional warfare is part of divorce and separation in a large percentage of cases these days. In extreme cases, when one parents feels desperate enough they will take the child as far away from the other parent as possible.

Suggested Song

Family Portrait, PInk (2001)

Parental Abductions

Parental Abduction of Children: An Overview and Profile of the Abductor

The following information may be used to construct an overall profile of a parental abduction:

• _Both mother and father are likely to abduct their own child._

• _Mothers tended to abduct their children after a court order is made while fathers tend to abduct their child before a court order._

• _The age range for abducting parents is 28 to 40 years._

• _Few studies have identified a psychological or sociological profile of the abducting parent._

• _The majority of children are between three and seven years of age. Children taken out of the country tend to be older (i.e., over the age of eight years)._

• _Both male and female children are equally likely to be abducted._

• _Children tend to be taken from the home. They are less likely to be taken from another residence or from a schoolyard._

• _Children tend to be taken during weekends or summer or winter holidays._

• _The parent abducting the child tends not to use physical force._

• _Accomplices are used in less than half the cases, they are usually family members or current partners._

• _Sexual and physical abuse occurs in a small percentage of the cases. Studies on this issue must be interpreted with extreme caution._

**Prepared by** : John Kiedrowski, M.A.(Crim.)C.H.S. Jayewardene, Ph.D. Marlene Dalley, Ph.D., Royal Canadian Mounted Police, <http://www.rcmp-grc.gc.ca/pubs/omc-ned/parent-eng.htm>

U.S. Statistics: Missing Children

The problem of missing children is complex and multifaceted. Children may become missing due to abduction by nonfamily members or abduction by family members. Children may be missing as a result of running away from home. Children may also be missing involuntarily for reasons other than abduction, due to becoming lost, injured or otherwise missing to their parents or guardians. The best national estimates for the number of missing children are found in the National Incidence Studies of Missing, Abducted, Runaway, and Thrownaway Children (NISMART-2), released in October 2002. According to NISMART-2, an estimated:

• _Nearly_ _800,000_ _children younger than 18 are missing each year, or an average of 2,185 children reported missing each day._

• _More than_ _200,000_ _children were abducted by family members._ [81]

Amber Alerts

Amber Rene Hagerman (November 25, 1986 – January 15, 1996) was the nine-year-old victim of an abduction and murder. On January 13, 1996, she was kidnapped as she rode her bike near her grandparents' home in Arlington, Texas. Her murder would later inspire the creation of the AMBER Alert system. [Wikipedia]

AMBER Alerts are only issued in Canada when there is reason to believe that:

• _A child has been abducted;_

• _A child is in grave danger; and_

• _An alert could assist in the safe recovery of a child_ [82]

Filicide

**Filicide:** a parent who kills his or her own child

Why do humans kill their families on purpose?

People tend to believe that any parent who kills a child — especially a mother — must be crazy, but a leading expert on the crime says it isn't true.

"The view that parents who deliberately kill their children are 'mad or bad' is too simple," said Dr. Phillip Resnick, director of forensic psychiatry at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland.

Researchers estimate 250 to 300 children are murdered by their parents each year in the U.S.

Filicide, the deliberate act of a parent killing his or her own child, is the third-leading cause of death in American children ages 5 to 14, Resnick found in a 2005 study.

Those bleak statistics are echoed in FBI Uniform Crime Reports indicating the murder of sons and daughters accounted for 3.1 percent of the 90,869 homicides in the U.S. from 1995 through 2000.

In a 40-year career, Resnick said, he has identified five main types of filicide, which vary according to parent gender.

The first is "altruism." When severe stress, depression, mental illness or claim of mental illness is involved in a case, a mother likely will explain her motive was unselfish — the child was killed to prevent suffering.

A second circumstance of filicide is an acutely psychotic parent who has lost touch with reality.

The third type of filicide involves fatal battering. Resnick said this accounts for 80 percent of homicides of children younger than 1.

A fourth type of filicide is that a parent doesn't want the child or feels incapable of caring for it. Some believe the child is endangering or preventing another, more valued relationship. Other parents are unprepared and overwhelmed by the needs of a baby. A fifth type is revenge against a spouse for infidelity or other perceived failing. Custody disputes sometimes trigger killings.

Researchers find that men who kill often feel they have lost control of their finances, families and relationships. They often kill in retaliation for something their wives or lovers have done.

_Homicide is the leading cause of death in children 4 and younger. Of children murdered before the age of 5, 61 percent were killed by parents...Friends of the family killed 30 percent of the children, according to a 1999 U.S. Department of Justice study. Other family members killed about 8 percent of the victims._ [83]

In some parts of the world, killing female children is legal.

Female Infanticide

The phenomenon of female infanticide is as old as many cultures, and has likely accounted for millions of gender-selective deaths throughout history. It remains a critical concern in a number of countries today, notably the two most populous countries on earth, China and India. In all cases, specifically female infanticide reflects the low status accorded to women in most parts of the world; it is arguably the most brutal and destructive manifestation of the anti-female bias that pervades "patriarchal" societies. It is closely linked to the phenomena of sex-selective abortion, which targets female fetuses almost exclusively, and neglect of girl children.

Dahlburg notes that "In Jaipur, capital of the western state of Rajasthan, prenatal sex determination tests result in an estimated 3,500 abortions of female fetuses annually," according to a medical-college study. (Dahlburg, "Where killing baby girls 'is no big sin'.") Most strikingly, according to UNICEF, "A report from Bombay in 1984 on abortions after prenatal sex determination stated that 7,999 out of 8,000 of the aborted fetuses were females. Sex determination has become a lucrative business." (Zeng Yi et al., "Causes and Implications of the Recent Increase in the Reported Sex Ratio at Birth in China," Population and Development Review, 19: 2 [June 1993], p. 297.)

_In] September 1997, the World Health Organization's Regional Committee for the Western Pacific issued a report claiming "more than 50 million women were estimated to be 'missing' in China because of the institutionalized killing and neglect of girls due to Beijing's population control program that limits parents to one child."_[ [84]

Please see Case Study: Full Article, Female Infanticide

Suggested Website

 The Unintended Consequences of China's One-child Policy, George Dvorsky

Summary

Why is there an absence of love in so many relationships?

I believe we have reached a critical stage in human development. I say critical because if we don't begin to ease the strain and suffering of humanity, we're going to reach a tipping point towards more global suffering in the not so distant future.

Look at the news, right now. Not mainstream news - but alternative news sources like Human Rights Watch to find the truth about human suffering on a global scale beyond the comfortable, censored and controlled news out of the U.S. and Western Media Corporate Giants.

**Tipping point** : _the critical point in an evolving situation that leads to a new and irreversible development_

Humans aren't very smart despite their innovative technologies. Humans develop _how to be_ better, without actually _becoming_ better.

Why do we evolve the way we do?

I think it's a topic worth exploring.

Nature Vs. Nurture

Is it our DNA that propels us to do what we do or is it our circumstances/environment that propels us to do what we do? Which one has the greater impact on our relationships with one other? Let's ask Science and the folks at www.PBS.org:

Genes are the portions of an organism's DNA that carry the code responsible for building that organism in a very specific way. Genes -- and, thus, the traits they code for -- are passed from parent to offspring. From generation to generation, well-understood molecular mechanisms reshuffle, duplicate, and alter genes in a way that produces genetic variation. This variation is the raw material for evolution.

Individual organisms don't evolve. Populations evolve. Because individuals in a population vary, some in the population are better able to survive and reproduce given a particular set of environmental conditions. These individuals generally survive and produce more offspring, thus passing their advantageous traits on to the next generation. Over time, the population changes.

**[Nature]:** _It has long been known that certain physical characteristics are biologically determined by genetic inheritance. Color of eyes, straight or curly hair, pigmentation of the skin and certain diseases (such as Huntingdon's chorea) are all a function of the genes we inherit._

Height, weight, hair loss (in men), life expectancy and vulnerability to specific illnesses (e.g. breast cancer in women) are positively correlated between genetically related individuals. These facts have led many to speculate as to whether psychological characteristics such as behavioral tendencies, personality attributes and mental abilities are also "wired in" before we are even born.

**[Nurture]:** _From this point of view psychological characteristics and behavioral differences that emerge through infancy and childhood are the result of learning. It is how you are brought up (nurture) that governs the psychologically significant aspects of child development..._

Examples of an extreme nature positions in psychology include Bowlby's (1969) theory of attachment, which views the bond between mother and child as being an innate process that ensures survival...Another example of nature is Freud's theory of aggression as being an innate drive (called thanatos).

In contrast Bandura's (1977) social learning theory states that aggression is learnt from the environment through observation and imitation... Also Skinner (1957) believed that language is learnt from other people via behavior shaping techniques.

_What began] as an attempt to understand the causes of behavioral differences often develops into a politically motivated dispute about distributive justice and power in society. What's more this doesn't only apply to the debate over I.Q. It is equally relevant to the psychology of sex and gender where the question of how much of the (alleged) differences in male and female behavior is due to biology and how much to culture is just as controversial._[ [85]

Here is the full article: Nature Nurture in Psychology

So the short answer according to what we know so far is - our relationships are influenced in part by our genes and in part by our surroundings. One cannot exist without the other. For an organism to grow and evolve, it needs an environment to grow and evolve within. When the environment changes, the organism also changes. It adapts...for better or worse. Yay Darwin.

We all have a human, physical body – the vehicle we travel around the planet with. Each vehicle can alter the direction it travels by choosing where to go within its physical environment. We all have a built-in GPS system too. It's the thinker of our thoughts. Some call it the soul or the mind _-_ while others refer to it as consciousness, God or free will.

For now, let's call it the mind. We'll talk about free will after.

Our bodies go about daily business within a physical environment and our current reality is defined by a set of boundaries. What about our mind? What are the boundaries of its environment - the whole world? The Universe?

We can take our mind to places outside of our physical environment. We do it all the time – in dreams, hopes, goals, aspirations, thoughts. People living in war torn places can still dream about or imagine being somewhere else that's peaceful and beautiful.

Art (music, literature, etc.) helps to transport our mind to other places all while our bodies are stationary. Emotions and thoughts take us out of our physical reality all the time, where we recall memories and imagine the future.

So - part of us can go anywhere, without limitation while the other part of us remains within the boundaries of its physical environment.

One of the most famous quotes about a human's ability to change his perception of reality comes from philosopher Rene Descartes: " _I think, therefore I am."_

Have you ever dreamt about a place that you've never been to physically? Done things in your dreams that you've never done in your waking life?

Free will has been defined as the human ability to do what it wants, when it wants, but some psychologists have argued that humans are not free to do what they want when they want. The Science of Behaviorism argues that we do what we do because we are compelled or conditioned to do so by a variety of influences, not free will.

But other definitions throughout the ages says that free will is God-given, and that it's the one characteristic that sets man apart from the animal kingdom. I mean, even someone locked up in a prison cell has free will to think about what they want to think about, right? Or, maybe they are _compelled_ to think about other things as a built-in survival mechanism, like an instinct to protect one self by whatever means possible.

Have you ever watched a caged animal? It paces, it rocks back and forth, it's zoned out...but the body is still there. When we go to a funeral and see a dead body in a coffin, everyone always says, 'it's as if they aren't really there, just their body is." Where did 'they' go if 'they' are not there?

Let's see if we can figure out what's what.

Free-will and Mind Control

What is free will? What determines its definition? As for any concept, two questions provide the key to a valid identification: "What aspects of reality give rise to the concept?" and "What is its purpose?"

What free will tries to account for is our introspective conviction that we are in control of many of our choices, and thus our destiny - that we are free to think and decide. We contrast this flexible, conscious control that we enjoy with the involuntary action of, say, our heartbeat or digestion, and with the instinctual imperative of a bird's nest-building or a dog's conditioned response. Our decisions are far more independent of nature and nurture than any animal's; we are aware of our ability to think and of the consequences of our choices - we can claim responsibility for our actions. These are the meaningful differences that give rise to the concept of free will.

We choose to think or not, what to think about, how much and how long to concentrate on an issue, how many options to consider, which of the options to select, etc. We also make higher-level choices of goals and values, such as desirable character traits, careers, friends and lovers, and of course, moral decisions such as when to lie or tell the truth. Free will comprises conscious choices only. By definition, free will pertains to choices that we can monitor and influence, and therefore must exclude subconscious and unconscious choices. This does not mean that such unaware choices are ultimately beyond our control - beyond free will - but only that they must be controlled indirectly. We can control them through explicit change of values and beliefs, and through conscious modification of habits.

There are millions of unknown and uncontrollable factors in our decisions. Random events, other people's choices, and our own cognitive errors and limitations all impinge on optimal goal selection and attainment. It is our freewill - our intelligence - that provides the freedom, the ability, to counter and correct these influences.

From this it follows that free will is a feature of high-level conceptual intelligence, and not something separate, not some prerequisite to intelligence. Any entity, any animal or machine that possesses the ability to think abstractly, and that has self-awareness (and awareness of its own ability to think and decide), will have free will.

_Let's not squander our free will by boxing ourselves in with irrational beliefs and counter-productive emotions, poor thinking, or lack of knowledge. The widespread awareness of this new understanding of freewill may help to usher in a great new era of human development based on a morality of reason and understanding, in which true knowledge of the nature of man leads us to a workable pro Optimal Living ethic and psychology, that minimize tribalism and foster individual responsibility. We can reach a new peak of human greatness: The third phase in human development - from primarily genetic determinism, to largely social determinism, to self-determination..._ [86]

For the full paper please refer to: The Nature of Freewill

Well-known Psychology expert B.F. Skinner denied human free will, and instead spent his career creating the branch of psychology known as behaviorism. In essence, he believed and proved under certain conditions, that there is no free will. He believed that humans (and animals) are a product of their environment, which means we are propelled by learned behavior through conscious and subconscious triggers. One of his theories is called Operant Conditioning: the idea that repetitive or a change in behaviour is caused by reinforcement (positive and negative). We learn to NOT touch a hot stove because to do so would repeat a previous negative experience, as an example.

Some of you may be familiar with another theory by Pavlov called Classic Conditioning: When certain stimuli elicit typical, controlled and/or uncontrolled responses.

Think of sales and marketing tactics used in advertising. You're sitting at home watching TV and a beer or food commercial comes on – next thing you know, you're either going to the fridge or out to the store to buy what they're selling because they made it look appealing. Why do you think Corporations use sex to sell everything from cars, phones, beer and vacations? They have learned to manipulate consumer behaviour because they know your brain will have a particular, physical response to their stimuli.

To the extreme, mind control would be a branch topic of these theories. That is a subject worth exploring, especially in light of mass-globalization, but I will not cover it here. Here is an introduction to  B.F. Skinner through The Information Philosopher if you're interested in his theories. Or, you can read up on Pavlov's Dog's from Simply Psychology if you prefer. Or do both.

From there, you can move on to **mind control** : _(also known as brainwashing, coercive persuasion, mind abuse, menticide, thought control, or thought reform) which refers to a process in which a group or individual "systematically uses unethically manipulative methods to persuade others to conform to the wishes of the manipulator(s), often to the detriment of the person being manipulated"._

A bit scary when you think about modern society and how we seem to be manipulated into thinking the same way, see the same marketing campaigns to compel us to buy products, eat the same food that's bad for us, work for some big corporation, buy the same things made in sweatshops half way around the world from Wal-Mart, consume the same natural resources to the point of environmental devastation, watch the same news channels with 24/7 violence and regurgitated headlines, the same TV shows and so on.

Have you watched the movie, The Matrix yet?

_Dr. Joseph Mengele of Auschwitz notoriety was the principle developer of the trauma-based Monarch Project and the CIA's MK Ultra mind control programs. Mengele and approximately 5, 000 other high-ranking Nazis were secretly moved into the United States and South America in the aftermath of World War II in an Operation designated Paperclip. The Nazis continued their work in developing mind control and rocketry technologies in secret underground military bases_.[87]

On topic, the following story only recently became public knowledge in Canada:

[August 2013] _Government documents eventually revealed a long-standing, government-run experiment that came to span the entire country and involved at least 1,300 aboriginals, most of them children._

Researchers visited The Pas and Norway House in northern Manitoba in 1942 and found a demoralized population marked by, in their words, "shiftlessness, indolence, improvidence and inertia."

_They decided that isolated, dependent, hungry people would be ideal subjects for tests on the effects of different diets._ [88]

They were given half-rations and starved. Although it may not fall under mind-control, using humans in government-controlled experimentation of any kind is not something we believed existed in anything other than fantasy-horror films. These and many other stories are true. We can claim ignorance no longer.

No doubt some of out fellow-humans have lost their free will due to circumstance (environmental factors – nurture) and now go through life on automatic pilot as a product of their cumulative experiences and have lost the ability to rise above their physical realities, even within their minds. But that doesn't mean they didn't have free will to begin with.

The recognition of free will (to some degree) is necessary for the final step in Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Development: Self Actualization - or as I like to call it - the relationship you have with you. You are in control of you. If you've lost control of you, it's time to get it back.

Relationship with Self

I have a few questions I'd like to ask you. Grab a piece of paper and jot down your answers.

1. What makes you happy?

2. What puts you in a negative frame of mind/mood?

3. What do you say to yourself when you look in the mirror?

4. What is your greatest strength as a member of the human species?

5. What is your greatest strength within your romantic relationships?

6. What is your greatest strength as an individual?

7. What do you think about before you go to sleep each night?

8. Is your sense of self worth determined by what others think of you?

9. What one word would your closest friends and family use to describe you?

10. Are you living up to your greatest human potential? What is your potential?

Now look over your answers. What defines you? Were your answers about your profession, your culture or your role within a family or were your answers based on the unique personality, hopes, desires and fears that are you?

I am going to challenge you as we dive into the world of the most important relationship you'll ever develop - the one with yourself. No, I don't mean being selfish or self absorbed at the expense of friends, family and loved ones. That's being a narcissist and that's just not cool.

**Narcissist** : Excessive about personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity

The pursuit of personal happiness in its purest form does not mean to forsake all others, lie, cheat, steal nor does it involve the manipulation or abuse of others. You can pursue a healthy relationship with yourself and include personal joy, contentment and happiness while being a good person to others.

If you've mastered your self-actualization, stay the course. If you haven't, it's time to do something about it. Here's a reminder of what self-actualization is.

_The final level in the hierarchy is called the need for self-actualization. According to Maslow, many people may be in this level but very few if anybody ever masters it. Self-actualization refers to a complete understanding of the self. To be self-actualized means to truly know who you are, where you belong in the greater society, and to feel like you have accomplished all that you have set out to accomplish. It means to no longer feel shame or guilt, or even hate, but to accept the world and see human nature as inherently good._ [89]

If we truly know who we are and where we belong in greater society, including feeling like we've accomplished all we've set out to accomplish, we would be happy, right?

If we take a look at the world's population, currently sitting at just over 7 billion, and if we use the definition of 'happy' above, what percentage of the population do you think has reached that level of human development?

Think of the whole world. Look at all the wars currently raging, all the famine, all the despair, all the hunger, the sickness, the greed, financial stress and the violence, and then hazard a guess.

Suggested Song

Atlas, Coldplay (2013)

The Pursuit of Happiness

Here's an excerpt of an article out of Time Magazine by Jeffrey Kluger who explains why happiness evades the average person, at least in the industrialized world.

[2013] If you're an American and you're not having fun, it just might be your own fault. Our long national expedition is entering its 238th year, and from the start, it was clear that this would be a bracing place to live. There would be plenty of food, plenty of land, plenty of minerals in the mountains and timber in the wilderness. You might have to work hard, but you'd have a grand time doing it.

All human beings may come equipped with the pursuit-of-happiness impulse--the urge to find lusher land just over the hill, fatter buffalo in the next valley--but it's Americans who have codified the idea, written it into the Declaration of Independence and made it a central mandate of the national character. American happiness would never be about savor-the-moment contentment. That way lay the reflective café culture of the Old World--fine for Europe, not for Jamestown. Our happiness would be bred, instead, of an almost adolescent restlessness, an itch to do the Next Big Thing. The terms of the deal the founders offered are not easy: there's no guarantee that we'll actually achieve happiness, but we can go after it in almost any way we choose. All by itself, that freedom ought to bring us joy, but the more cramped, distracted, maddeningly kinetic nature of the modern world has made it harder than ever.

Here is the full article: The Happiness of Pursuit, Jeffrey Kluger for Time Magazine

The journey towards self-actualization is individual, and it's a challenging journey. There is no quick fix, no diet, and no ten-steps or one-sized-fits-all approach to it. There is no simple solution that will fix all of humanity.

I know of one place you _won't_ find happiness, so I can share that to save you the trouble. You will not find happiness by comparing yourself to others – not family, not friends, not politicians, not religious leaders, not celebrities, models, or fictional characters. So please stop. It is a trap. The constant ideal of " _you can be like this if you do or buy this or that_ " has humans locked into a perpetual cycle of _unhappiness._

Your pursuit of happiness has to be your own and you have to be ready and willing to do what's required to achieve it. You have to be willing to accept the things you cannot change, find the courage to change the things you can, and acquire the wisdom to know the difference.

Nothing worth anything ever came easy to anyone. Just ask the world's best athletes, scholars, artists, musicians, humanitarians, teachers, leaders and environmentalists who found their greatness. They are considered great because they inspired others towards their greatness. They were able to inspire others by first discovering what their greatness was, and then shared it one thought, one choice, and one action at a time.

Suggested Movie

The Pursuit of Happyness (2006)

Suggested Song

Imagine, John Lennon (1971)

Loners: Anti-Social vs. Unsocial

I wanted to add a piece about loners in this section because all too often people who are introverted, like the solace of their own company, revel in alone-ness, yet are labeled as social misfits who hate the world. It's simply not true. Lots of loners love humanity, it's certain people they don't like.

There are anti-social behavioural disorders that may require intervention if they lead to harming others, but the urban dictionary defines anti-social as something quite acceptable:

" _Someone who doesn't feel comfortable around other people. They would rather do something more productive with their time rather then hanging out with people they don't really like."_

In that context, unsocial is the same thing:

"... _Lacking a taste or desire for society or close association."_

We often feel compelled to stay in relationships with people due to our histories, families, work environments, neighbourhoods, and there are plenty of instances where those relationships are tolerated as opposed to celebrated.

Lots of people don't know how to be alone. They fill their days with endless activities, are in a self-perpetuated state of 'busy-ness', have a hard time sitting still and spend the bulk of their time looking outwards for fulfillment.

So, who are you? Not what do you do. WHO are you? Why not spend some time alone and figure it out? Time is running out. Life is short. You were born to be 'you', not a second rate version of somebody else.

Suggested Reading

" _The Buddha. Rene Descartes. Emily Dickinson. Greta Garbo. Bobby Fischer. J. D. Salinger: Loners, all—along with as many as 25 percent of the world's population. Loners keep to themselves, and like it that way. Yet in the press, in films, in folklore, and nearly everywhere one looks, loners are tagged as losers and psychopaths, perverts and pity cases, ogres and mad bombers, elitists and wicked witches. Too often, loners buy into those messages and strive to change, making themselves miserable in the process by hiding their true nature—and hiding from it. Loners as a group deserve to be reassessed—to claim their rightful place, rather than be perceived as damaged goods that need to be "fixed.""_

 Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto, Anneli Rufus (2003)

Becoming a Great Human

Mahatma Gandhi achieved greatness. Mozart achieved greatness. Martin Luther King Jr. achieved greatness. The Beatles achieved greatness. Leonardo DaVinci achieved greatness. Mother Theresa achieved greatness.

None of them achieved greatness by watching others achieve it on a television or computer screen. Greatness comes in many forms, but true greatness comes to those who are ready, willing and able to do the work, at the right place at the right time, and are brave enough to take risks. Enormous risks.

True potential for greatness lies within every human - you just have to learn how to evolve into it.

The short list of people who have achieved greatness and who have inspired countless others, share some things in common.

They were givers, not takers. They took action and did not sit idle. They were warriors – each fighting to make a difference in the world in their own way. They were not apathetic to human suffering and they were not indifferent to crimes against humanity.

One of my favourite blog posts about the reality of 21st Century humanity, and it's lack of contemporary greatness, comes from Canadian author Glen Pearson. This is a portion of his post titled: Humanity – Its Indifference.

Being human, productively human, means getting outside of ourselves and actually changing the circumstances of others – in our community, country, the world – through the casting of our best instincts against the broader problems of the age, not just our own difficulties. We have become so good at voicing the language, parroting the words of the great compassionate voices of history on Facebook or Twitter, and being content with knowledge instead of action, that we run the risk of committing one, or even all, of the seven deadly sins, Mahatma Gandhi spoke of so forcefully.

Wealth without work  
Pleasure without conscience  
Science without humanity  
Knowledge without character  
Politics without principle  
Commerce without morality  
Worship without sacrifice

Being human is all about ridding our lives of the excuses for inaction.

We can become great as a collective species, but we have a long way to go.

For those of you who wish to become warriors to help reignite the light of humanity, you can add The Alchemist to your reading list. It is a fictional work, but the message is very clear to those seeking their purpose.

If you seek your greatness from within and commit to sharing it with others, you will evolve out of relationships based on needs, greed and wants towards relationships based on love, compassion and giving.

Remember at the very beginning of this book I asked a question surrounding the human pineal gland after I introduced it to you. The question was...

Does the in-common pineal gland hold the key to our ability to have more compassionate and loving relationships with our fellow humans? Maybe, but we still have a lot to learn before we get to the top of the pyramid of human development.

Well here we are at the top of the pyramid. Almost _._

_Activating our pineal gland/third eye metaphysically opens our eyes from a deep spiritual slumber. It allows us to begin to perceive the 'truth' that surrounds us. This means that you will start seeing that the world we live is full of control and inequalities, and out of harmony with the rest of the universe. You will feel a desire to be free and live in a world full of love, compassion and truth. Ultimately you will feel the connection to all that is around you in nature and feel a deeper connection with the universe. It is a profound sense that allows you to see beauty in all things and realize that your physical self isn't your true self._ [90]

Now that you've seen the reality of 21st Century Relationships you can begin to change them, starting with yourself. Welcome to the top of Maslow's pyramid. 

Suggested Books

The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho (1988)

Warrior of the Light, Paulo Coelho (1997)

Suggested Movie

I AM, By Tom Shadyac (2010)

Suggested Song

Counting Stars, One Republic, 2013

Notes

[1] The Pineal Gland, <http://www.wayfinding.net/pineal.htm>

[2] Personality Synopsis, King of the Mountain, <http://allpsych.com/personalitysynopsis/maslow.html>, Retrieved April 9, 2012

[3] What is Love? <http://www.edge.org/response-detail/12027>, Retrieved July 24, 2013

[4] Theories of Love, Kendra Cherry,  http://psychology.about.com/od/loveandattraction/a/theoriesoflove.htm, Retrieved August 11, 2013

[5]  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-without-limits/201111/what-is-love, Retrieved July 24, 2013

[6] By Linda Thrasybule, MyHealthNewsDaily, February 10, 2012, <http://www.myhealthnewsdaily.com/2229-falling-love-brain.html>, Retrived May 10, 2012

[7] Sigmund Freud, Love and Sex, <http://www.signvista.com/psychology/freud.html>, Retrieved August 11, 2013

[8] What is Spiritual Love?, Michael Alperstein,  http://www.lightworkersworld.com/2011/02/what-is-spiritual-love-how-to-love-yourself-using-universal-truths-by-michael-alperstein/, Retrieved November 1, 2012

[9] Origins of the Teachings to Love Thy Neighbour, <http://www.gnostic.org/tree_1/09_love/09_love_3.htm>, Retrieved July 24, 2013

[10] Love and Brotherhood, Judaism 101, <http://www.jewfaq.org/brother.htm>

[11] The Tao of Love and Relationships, David James Lees, <http://consciouslifenews.com/tao-love-relationships/1148987/>

[12] Love Bible Verses, <http://www.biblestudytools.com/topical-verses/love-bible-verses/>

[13] Nine Beliefs of Hinduism,  http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/Hinduism/2000/06/A-Summary-Of-What-Most-Hindus-Believe.aspx#

[14] What is Love – According to the Qur'an, <http://www.zaufishan.co.uk/2012/08/love-hubb-quran.html>

[15] The Buddha's Teachings on Love,  http://www.insightmeditationcenter.org/books-articles/articles/the-buddhas-teachings-on-love/

[16] The Ancient Sexual Revolution,  http://healthland.time.com/2012/05/29/the-ancient-sexual-revolution-that-may-have-spurred-human-monogamy, Retrieved July 30, 2013

[17] The History of Prostitution, Tom Head, A  http://civilliberty.about.com/od/gendersexuality/tp/History-of-Prostitution.htmbout.com, Retrieved May 22, 2012

[18] Bridal slaves, Aljazeera English, November 2011,  http://www.aljazeera.com/programmes/slaverya21stcenturyevil/2011/10/2011101013102368710.html, Retrieved November 5, 2012

[19] FBI Rescues 79 Child Sex Slaves in Massive 3-Day Prostitution Sweep,  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2165051/FBI-rescues-79-child-sex-slaves-hotels-truck-stops-massive-day-raid-country.html, June 2012

[20] Human Trafficking Stats, <http://freedom4innocence.org/human-trafficking-statistics>, Retrieved July 30, 2013

[21] France Orders Strauss-Kahn to Stand Trial, July 2013,  http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/27/world/europe/trial-ordered-for-strauss-kahn-in-prostitution-case.html?ref=prostitution&_r=0, Retrieved July 30, 2013

[22] Bosnia: The United Nations, human trafficking, <http://www.wsws.org/en/articles/2002/08/bosn-a21.html>, Retrieved July 20, 2013

[23] No More Stolen Sisters, Amnesty International,  http://www.amnesty.ca/our-work/issues/indigenous-peoples/no-more-stolen-sisters

[24] Seeking Justice for Canada's 500 Missing Native Women,  http://www.culturalsurvival.org/publications/cultural-survival-quarterly/canada/seeking-justice-canada-s-500-missing-native-women, Retrieved July 29, 2013

[25] Cancrime,  http://www.cancrime.com/2010/07/30/robert-picktons-place-in-serial-killer-history-just-another-murderer/, Retrieved August 21, 2013

[26] Online Porn Addiction, <http://pornographyaddiction.net/?p=13>

[27] Pornography Statistics, <http://www.covenanteyes.com/2013/02/19/pornography-statistics/>

[28] Popular Culture, pop songs and pornography,  http://www.generationnext.com.au/2010/09/pop-songs-popular-culture-and-pornography/, Retrieved August 6, 2013

[29]  http://www.theguardian.com/books/2013/aug/13/50-shades-el-james-highest-earning-author

[30] Sociology: Violence and Pornography in the Media,  http://www.cliffsnotes.com/study_guide/Violence-and-Pornography-in-the-Media.topicArticleId-26957,articleId-26949.html, Retrieved November 8, 2012

[31] Pornography and Violence, <http://www.ewtn.com/library/curia/pcscporn.htm>, Retrieved November 8, 2012

[32] Gail Dines, http://gaildines.com, Retrieved August 1, 2013

[33]  http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/feb/28/iceland-porn-ban-free-society, Jemima Kiss, Retrieved August 12, 2013

[34] All About Addiction, www.psychologytoday.com, Adi Jaffe, PhD, January 9, 2012,  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-addiction/201001/what-does-it-mean-be-love-addicted-sex-addiction-explained, Retrieved May 22, 2012

[35] Sexual Junkfood: Porn's Degrading Effects, Paul Strand, CBN News, June 29, 2010,  http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/healthscience/2010/March/Sexual-Junk-Food-Porns-Degrading-Effects, Retrieved April 11, 2012

[36] How Casual Cyber Sex Became My Most Intoxicating Drug, Emma Lee,  http://www.alternet.org/sex/155351/how_casual_cyber_sex_became_my_most_intoxicating_drug?page=entire, Retrieved May 14, 2012

[37] Click till you're sick: The growing problem of Internet addiction, by Harvey Schachter, Globe and Mail, August 2013,  http://www.theglobeandmail.com/report-on-business/careers/management/click-till-youre-sick-the-growing-problem-of-internet-addiction/article13536810, Retrieved August 6, 2013

[38] Will You See This Movie?, Bryce J. Renninger, Indiewire,  http://www.indiewire.com/article/will-you-see-this-movie-sundance-alum-directs-doc-about-first-successful-internet-addiction-manslaughter-defense, Retrieved August 7, 2013

[39] Mobile Addict Parents Guilty of Child Neglect, John Bingham, The Telegraph,  http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-tongue/9280194/Mobile-addict-parents-guilty-of-child-neglect-warns-psychologist.html, August 8, 2013

[40] Why Aren't More Women Breastfeeding?,  http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/why-arent-more-women-breastfeeding/article561821, Retrieved August 2, 2013

[41] Attachment Parenting, <http://www.webmd.com/parenting/what-is-attachment-parenting>, Retrieved August 12, 2013

[42] Side Effects of Overprotective Parenting,  http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/side-effects-overprotective-parenting-8170.html

[43] Attachment and Reactive Attachment Disorders,  http://www.helpguide.org/mental/parenting_bonding_reactive_attachment_disorder.htm, Retrieved August 19, 2013

[44] How Much Love Do You Need?  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1392213/How-love-need-Knowing-attachment-type-key-making-relationships-last.html, Retrieved August 2, 2013

[45] Children and Watching TV,  http://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/Facts_for_Families_Pages/Children_And_Wat_54.aspx, Retrieved August 2, 2013

[46] Violence, USA, Henry A. Giroux, <http://monthlyreview.org/2013/05/01/violence-usam>, Retrieved August 12, 2013

[47] Reflections on the Newtown Massacre,  http://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/981997/are-we-desensitized-to-real-violence, Retrieved August 2, 2013

[48] The Sex Atlas, Erwin J. Haeberle, Ph.D, Ed.D,  http://www2.hu-berlin.de/sexology/ATLAS_EN/html/history_of_marriage_in_western.html, Retrieved May 23, 2012

[49] The Wedding Industrial Complex,  http://theweek.com/article/index/245562/the-wedding-industrial-complex, Retrieved August 3, 2013

[50]  http://thomascwaters.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/MarriageHistory.jpg, Retrieved November 7, 2012

[51] Why You Need to Think Twice About Inter-Faith Marriage,  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/damona-hoffman/why-you-need-to-think-twi_b_3530077.html, Retrieved August 2, 2013

[52] Changing Distribution of Protestants in Ireland,  http://www.wesleyjohnston.com/users/ireland/past/protestants_1861_1991.htmlhttp://www.wesleyjohnston.com/users/ireland/past/protestants_1861_1991.html

[53] Young Couple Struggle to Save Inter-Faith Marriage,  http://www.hindustantimes.com/India-news/NewDelhi/Young-couple-struggles-to-save-inter-faith-marriage/Article1-878297.aspx, Retrieved August 2, 2013

[54] Arranged Marriages in India, <http://postcolonialstudies.emory.edu/marriage-in-india/>, Retrieved August

[55] BBC History, Henry VIII, <http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/people/henry_viii>, Retrieved August 14, 2013

[56] The Causes of the English Reformation, <http://faculty.history.wisc.edu/sommerville/361/361-08.htm>, Retrieved August 19, 2013

[57] Forced and Child Marriage, <http://www.stopvaw.org/forced_and_child_marriage>, Retrieved August 19, 2013

[58] Forced to Marry Against Her Will,  http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2013/08/16/2479291/spoon-in-underwear/, Retrieved August 20, 2013

[59] A Bride Burnt Every Hour,  www.newint.org/blog/majority/2012/02/07/dowry-deaths-in-india/, Retrieved August 20, 2013

[60]  http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/commentators/fisk/robert-fisk-the-crimewave-that-shames-the-world-2072201.html, Retrieved November 8, 2012

[61] <http://honour-killings.com/faq/#fifteen>

[62]  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/28/fakhra-younus-dead-pakistan-acid_n_1384612.html

[63] The Church and State: An Ungodly Marriage, Jim Fedako,  http://www.lewrockwell.com/2008/08/jim-fedako/an-ungodly-marriage/, Retrieved August 10, 2013

[64] A Look Back Into History, <http://utfreepress.org/tag/and-oppression-of-native-women/>, Retrieved August 2, 20113

[65] Bill C-31,  http://indigenousfoundations.arts.ubc.ca/home/government-policy/the-indian-act/bill-c-31.html, Retrieved August 2, 2013

[66] Interracial Marriage Laws,  http://civilliberty.about.com/od/raceequalopportunity/tp/Interracial-Marriage-Laws-History-Timeline.htm, Retrieved August 2, 2013

[67] Children of the Vietnam War,  http://www.smithsonianmag.com/people-places/Children-of-the-Dust.html, Retrieved August 3, 2013

[68] Slavery in America, The History Channel, <http://www.history.com/topics/slavery>, Retrieved August 14, 2013

[69] Master-Slave Relations, <http://www.bowdoin.edu/~prael/projects/gsonnen/page4.html>, Retrieved August 3, 2013

[70] Court Rules Metis, off-reserve aboriginals qualify as "Indians",  http://www.ctvnews.ca/canada/court-rules-metis-off-reserve-aboriginals-qualify-as-indians-1.1105186, Retrieved August 14, 2013

[71] A Brief History of The Metis People, <http://www.wolflodge.org/visibiliti/metis/history.htm>, Retrieved August 3, 2013

[72] Same Sex Marriage Fast Facts, <http://www.cnn.com/2013/05/28/us/same-sex-marriage-fast-facts>

[73] Encyclopedia Britannica,  http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/topic/1553878/Dont-Ask-Dont-Tell-DADT

[74] Legal Articles: Divorce,  http://www.attorneys.com/divorce/why-have-divorce-rates-increased-over-time/

[75] The Process of Emotional Healing, September 1, 2011, <http://possibilitycoaches.net/healing>, Retrieved May 23, 2012

[76] Domestic Violence Statistics,  http://domesticviolencestatistics.org/domestic-violence-statistics, Retrieved November 7, 2012

[77] The Negative Affects of Shared Custody,  http://www.wahm.com/articles/the-negative-effects-of-shared-custody.html, Retrieved August 6, 2013

[78]  http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-tongue/8455661/Lawyers-claim-645-million-family-breakdown-legal-aid-bill.html, Retrieved August 6, 2013

[79] The Average Cost of a U.S. Divorce,  http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Average-Cost-of-The-US-Divorce&id=656559, Retrieved August 6, 2013

[80] Malicious Divorce Syndrome, Les Linet, M.D.,  http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Malicious_Divorce_Syndrome.html, Retrieved May 23, 2012

[81]  http://www.missingkids.com/missingkids/servlet/PageServlet?LanguageCountry=en_US&PageId=2816

[82] Amber Alert, <http://missingkids.ca/app/en/amber_alert-amber_alerts_in_action>, Retrieved November 8, 2012

[83] Parents who kill their kids not always insane, expert says, <http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_18151310>, Retrieved August 6, 2013

[84] Female Infanticide, <http://www.gendercide.org/case_infanticide.html>, Retrieved August 6, 2013

[85] Nature Nurture in Psychology, Saul McLeod, <http://www.simplypsychology.org/naturevsnurture.html>

[86] The Nature of Freewill, <http://www.optimal.org/peter/freewill.htm>, Retrieved August 3, 2012

[87] Mind Control, The Ultimate Terror, <http://educate-yourself.org/mc>, Retrieved August 19, 2013

[88] Aboriginal Children Used as Government Experiments,  http://www.thestar.com/news/canada/2013/07/16/hungry_aboriginal_kids_used_unwittingly_in_nutrition_experiments_researcher_says.html, Retrieved August 19, 2013

[89] Personality Synopsis, King of the Mountain, <http://allpsych.com/personalitysynopsis/maslow.html>, Retrieved April 9, 2012

[90] Benefits of decalcifying your pineal gland,  http://decalcifypinealgland.com/benefits-of-decalcifying-activating-your-pineal-gland, Retrieved August 19, 2013

