 
### ONE UNKNOWN

By: One Unknown

Smashwords Edition Copyright 2015 by One Unknown

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Dedication: _For you_

Chapter 1: Truth

Good and evil, we know, in the field of this world grow up together almost inseparably; and the knowledge of good is so involved and interwoven with the knowledge of evil that we cannot even tell right from wrong. Unknowingly we pursue evil believing it to be good. In this way, we fall into misery.

The answer to one question would solve all of the world's pain. "What is good? How can it be defined?" We do not seek a choice, but a definition. If we could only find the good, whatever it is, would we not follow it? I do not speak of that which is good for all, but only the selfish good for each alone. Knowing the true form of evil, no one deliberately seeks it. No one wants to be unhappy. Why then are we all chained to sorrow? I promise you, all will be happy when they discover the true meaning of the good.

Some will argue that pursuit of selfish gain is not the answer to the world's problems. These are the poor souls who suffer for mankind and endure abandonment by a world that wants to forget suffering. They seek the good of all, even if it destroys them. They cannot believe whatever is good for each is good for all. For the good of one is entwined with the good of all. Neither can survive alone. Both arise from the same Truth. This Truth is the definition of the good. This Truth will bring joy to all humanity.

I have discovered this Truth. I have written this book so that you too may understand it and find peace. The Truth, shrouded in darkness and a cloud of unknowning, is not easy to understand. To reveal it, I must relate my life, my journey, my pain. Trust me. We who are strangers now will become good friends. I will lead and we will follow each other. For in reading my journey, you will find it is the same as yours. I wrote this book, but the story is about you.

Chapter 2: Death

Who am I? I am a man of sorrows, well acquainted with grief. If you want to understand this, we must return to the beginning of my journey.

Who was I? What was I? From where did I come? What was my destination?

To answer these questions, I must begin with my death. I do not speak of physical death, but, far worse, the death of the soul. The price of physical death is small and relatively painless when measured against the entire span of life. The death of the soul is unending; every day you live, it dies again.

The soul always dies slowly. You cannot point to a time and say, "That is when my soul died." The soul dies through starvation. Slowly, painfully, quietly, it slips away.

You realize your soul is dead when hope becomes a waking dream. Your life will always be hell. You cannot change it. You cannot wake up. A nightmare cannot be controlled, it must be endured.

My soul died and my waking dream began in college. Why then? I can only guess. I believe college was the first place I could be invisible. A place filled with so many people, I was able to become lost without anyone noticing.

I became lost. I accept full responsibility for what happened. They simply set up the machine. I strapped myself in, not because I wanted to, but because I couldn't help myself. I confess. I am a murderer. I killed my own soul.

Chapter 3: Non-Existence

Everyone said college would be great, but for me it was torture. I felt miserably shy and alone, as if I was on one side of a glass wall and everyone else was on the other.

I withdrew from life, friends, work, school, and especially love. I ran away, not because I wanted to, but because it was easier to run than to face my problems.

I did not want to talk to anyone. I was afraid someone would ask me, "How are you?" I had no answer to that thoughtless question. I was not fine.

At first, some tried to help me, maybe even tried to be my friend. They were unsuccessful and eventually stopped trying. Even saints have limits. Some people don't deserve friends. There are never any successful suicides among people with friends. Suicide victims die alone.

I woke up one morning and realized there was nobody there – I no longer existed. My life became pointless and I became worthless trash. I fell into an unchanging routine. I had no reason to get out of bed in the morning, so I invented one. I felt compelled to attend my classes even though I knew they were meaningless. How could classes, how could anything, help? You couldn't call it living because it wasn't. I was dead, one without hope.

As soon as my classes ended, I returned to my room. My room, my safe haven, my prison. Knowingly I locked myself into this cage. I wanted to explode with energy and fly away as fast as mortally possible. I wanted to escape, but I could not. I left it only to go to class. Weekends were hell. On those days, I never left the shadows.

Loneliness is the greatest torment of all. There is no use in feeling lonely, absolutely no use. Nevertheless, loneliness tortured me.

My life was nothing except loneliness. I was so alone that the laughter, the cheerfulness of others, cut me like a knife. I continually assaulted myself asking, "What is wrong with me?" I moaned like a dove all my days, "Why can't I be happy?" My songless soul longed to drift out past the sea of pain where my shapeless life was wrecked, but I could not escape.

Soon I lost all emotion, all feeling, except hate. Hate, not for others, they were not responsible, but hate for myself. Hate so powerful I felt joy when I suffered.

If you understand this, I pray for you. If you do not, I mourn for you. This was my life, by day sighing, by night lamentation. This was my life, monthly trepidation, despair the year. This was my life, unborn, unending, unchanging.

Chapter 4: Chosen

You never know the day that will change your life. The day mine changed, I have to admit, was beautiful. The sun was shining and the grass was very green. Everyone was laughing.

I was starving. It was nearly noon and I had not eaten since 7:00 o'clock. The school had a cafeteria, but it was crowded. I had no desire to go inside and eat sitting by myself. I didn't want others to know how alone I was, all alone in a crowded place. Instead, I sat on the lawn in the shade of a fig tree waiting for the lunch hour to end and my next class to begin. Waiting and watching the normal students playing on the lawn.

I didn't see the man until he sat down across from me. It is strange to say, considering his effect on people, that nothing about his personality or appearance stood out. He appeared to be a normal man in his mid-30s. The only interesting thing about him was his T-shirt, which read O.W.V.

I acknowledged his presence but said nothing. I always assumed no one wanted to talk to me.

"What are you seeking?" he said.

This seemed like a strange question, but I felt compelled to answer. I looked at those playing on the lawn and said, "Happiness."

The man shook his head, "We are all searching for happiness, yet can anyone define it?" Before I could answer he said, "I look at what ordinary people find happiness in, what they make a mad dash for, racing around as if they can't stop. They live for what is always out of reach. They all say they're happy with it. In the end is there really happiness or isn't there?"

"I don't know. Life eats up pleasure. It requires you to be successful, rich, and perfect while still having inner peace."

He laughed, "O generation of the thoughtlessly smug and thoroughly uncomfortable. No successful person has ever been happy."

"Who are you, and what do you want from me?"

"My name is Jacob. I want to help you, and I want you to help me. You are on a journey. You have been traveling for longer than you can remember and you are weary. You were lost but I have found you. Now I need you to help me find others who are lost. Save me and I will save you."

I stood up and brushed the grass from my legs, "Sorry I can't help anyone, not even myself."

He did not try to stop me from leaving, but he whispered, "It is never too late to be what you might have been."

For some reason this caused me to stay. Maybe it was hope overcoming reality. "If I am on a journey, can you tell me which way I ought to go from here?"

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."

"You know what I seek."

"Yes, and we both know you will not find it here."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Leave here, leave everything and follow me. I will teach you the good and right way."

At that point, I still thought I had a choice, but I was ready to listen. We spoke for over an hour. Finally, he stood up. "You control your own destiny. Now that you know who you are, what do you want to be? If you want to change your life and follow me, come here tomorrow at 7:00 o'clock." He left.

Thus ended a day memorable to me; it decided my future destiny.

Chapter 5: Choice?

I did not deliberate. Does that shock you, friends? Would you be afraid to abandon your entire life? I had nothing to leave behind. When one has lived a long time alone and someone calls and offers a chance to end loneliness, you cannot refuse. This was my last chance to break free, my last chance to save my soul.

I lay awake all night, not in fear or worry, but in anticipation. Wherever I was going, I was leaving this place, leaving my prison. Could anything really be worse than this? A change, no matter how frightening, must be better. If only I had seen this before.

I heard other students talking and laughing in the hall. No longer did this pain me. No longer did I have to pass the endless nights hopeless and alone. "I could go out there," I thought, "talk with them, be like them if only for one night." How could there be any consequences. I was leaving tomorrow; I would never see any of them again. I burned with a mad desire to throw open my door and shout, "Here I am! I exist!"

I locked the door. I no longer worried about rejection or embarrassment. Now I feared that somehow, in some ungodly way, I would become too normal. I would find friends, become part of the social life, and end my loneliness. All of the things I prayed for every day, but no longer wanted. If I became normal, Jacob would abandon me. He chose me because I was weak and worthless.

Therefore, I did nothing. Unable to sleep, I stared out at the campus. Darkness lay upon the earth but the stars shone brightly in the heavens. I was ready to change.

At 6:00 o'clock, I left with nothing but the clothes on my back. All that was mine I carried with me. I never looked back.

Chapter 6: Disciples

I found Jacob and his disciples at exactly 7 o'clock. I don't know who I expected the Messiah to choose as his followers, but I was surprised. The disciples were lounging around a small bus. They looked worn out, as if they had just finished a 12-hour road trip. Their clothes were not exactly dirty, but they were not fresh. Nevertheless, all were smiling.

The media has said many hurtful and untrue things about these people. Not all of them play a large part in our story, but I think you deserve to know the true disciples.

Simon, their unofficial leader, greeted me first. He was everything I am not: Tall, attractive, outgoing, and so on. If we met in another way, I would have immediately loathed him. In fact, considering what went on between us, I should hate him now. However, I consider him my best friend. He shook my hand, "Welcome to our group," he said.

Next Andrew and James, two large brothers, so similar no one could tell them apart, greeted me. They told me Jacob had called them while they were making tires and they had followed without hesitation. I never saw them without their goofy smiles. Even when the trouble fell upon us, they faced it with their grins. First Andrew then James picked me up in a bearhug and said, "Welcome little brother"

As I was gasping for air, Atarah and Stephen shook my hand. They seemed out of place to me, both as followers of Jacob and as friends. Atarah was a thin short man who looked to be barely twenty years old. His clothing marked him as a Hasidic Jew. Stephen was about fifty and wore a turban on his head, which he later explained to me was because he was a Sufi.

"He is surprised to see us," Atarah said laughing, "doesn't he know our people were awaiting the Messiah as well."

"Christians always forget this," Stephen said smiling, "but it is one of the few things we all agree on." Now all the disciples were laughing.

Even Atarah and Stephen's weirdness could not compare to that of the next disciple. She wore normal fashionable clothes but her hair was bright blue and red. Her name was Luish but she called herself Aurora. I never understood why, but she said it had to do with her religion so I accepted it. When I later asked where her religion came from she said she invented it, just as all religions are invented. The best I can tell she followed a mishmash of benign witchcraft, worship of the moon, and devotion to what she called, "the true goddess." I guess I found it weird and wonderful that she would follow a male Messiah.

"Welcome to the inner circle," she said hugging me.

To my surprise, Luish was not the oddest of the clan. The next one, Joel, far surpassed her in strangeness. He was the first person I ever met who wore overalls on a daily basis. When I asked him why, he just shrugged and said, "I have always worn'em." He was somewhat resistant to change. He was also incredibly dirty, and I never saw him cleaner than he was that day. He said something that sounded like, "Welcome to the party," but understanding what he said was always a challenge.

Then came John, who everyone called "Little John." Of all the disciples, I think he understood me the best. He rarely spoke and when he did, it was in a soft quiet voice. He mumbled a "Hello," and went back to staring at his shoes.

Following John were Philip and Matthew. They were great friends but constantly argued about religious matters because Philip was a Methodist and Matthew was a Baptist. I never understood the difference, but they insisted their views were miles apart.

Finally, there was Mary. I fell in love with her as soon as I saw her. Girls like her are the reason men fall in love. She was beautiful in a way that makes the word sound ugly, beautiful in a way that stops children and men on the street, beautiful in a way that unsettles, frightens, and awes. I can describe her only by asking you to think of the most beautiful thing in the world. The best cannot be described in words.

First, I lusted after her hair, reddish gold and the exact color of the rising sun. Then, I fell in love with her smile and her wonderful laugh. Later, I would adore her for her spirit and her courage.

"Hello," she said. Just one word but it made me feel like the luckiest person in the world. I don't know if I even spoke. I was too entranced to care.

After I had met them all, Jacob slapped me on the back, "I have found my last disciple, it is time to return."

For some reason all of the others cheered. At that moment, we all knew he was the Messiah. We all were prepared to give our lives for him and I think we would have, if he had asked us then. Later, when we all betrayed him, things had changed.

Chapter 7: Journey

Now there was no turning back. We boarded the bus and my journey began. I didn't know where to sit so I quickly got in and chose a seat near the front. The others began to board and take what I assumed were their accustomed seats.

When I saw Mary coming up the steps, I prayed that she would sit next to me. It seemed as if my prayers would be answered when she paused by my seat and smiled.

"I'm glad we will get a chance to talk," she said, "sometimes these trips can be boring."

"Yeah," I mumbled as my heart choked me and tried to explode all at once.

"Sure, he can tell us all about his life," Simon said, pushing past Mary and sitting down in the seat across from me. "That way you won't have to be bored just sitting with me." He playfully pulled Mary into the seat next to him.

"Shut up Simon," she said punching him in the arm and rolling her eyes.

I should have been consumed with jealousy but I was accustomed to disappointment. Mary and Simon were together and I would just have to deal with that.

I figured I would ride alone, but unfortunately Joel plopped himself down next to me. His overpowering stench told me the all day bus ride was not going to be pleasant. Oh well, no one said eternal salvation would be easy.

Jacob, of course, drove the bus. He closed the door, started her up, made a careful left turn out of the campus, and we were off.

Joel immediately began pelting me with questions about my life. I wanted to avoid that subject, so I gave him some vague answers and tried to talk to Mary and Simon.

"So how do we pay for gas and food?" I asked.

Jacob overheard my question, "We are on a journey, and when you are on a journey you more often than not have to beg you way in order to get where you are going. Don't be discouraged, God will provide us with what we need, He always has before. You will be surprised at how many good and wonderful people there are in the world willing to help those in need."

"Of course, there is a limit," Simon said, "We do have to sleep on the bus. We always have enough to eat but the Son of Man has no place to lay His head."

Jacob laughed, "Stop that ridiculous talk. Things aren't that bad. We usually find someplace to camp."

Thank God I thought. The idea of sleeping near Joel every night gave me chills.

I noticed that Jacob had turned the bus onto the interstate, "Where are we going anyway?"

Everyone fell silent and looked intently at Jacob. "Have you found the beginning, then, that you are looking already for the end?" he said, "What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. Save tomorrow for tomorrow. Worry about today instead."

Chapter 8: Grace

I still remember the first time I heard Jacob preach. I can't possibly convey to you how mesmerizing he was in person. I can give you a summary of what he said, but his magic lay, not in his words, but in how he spoke. Often, as in his first sermon, he taught of ordinary things. You could hear similar words in any church on Sunday.

Familiar words, but he made you believe. Most preachers, no matter how skilled, preach as if they are reading from a script, a script they have memorized by rote but do not really believe. Jacob preached as if he understood and he made you believe.

Jacob's beliefs were very new and different. I didn't realize how different at first. He fooled me by teaching about things I already believed. However, these early teachings were just a foundation for his later radical teachings.

He always taught in the poorest sections of town, among the isolated, afraid, and forgotten. By his second day in town, many from the upper classes would brave the slums to hear him. Wealth alone cannot fill an empty soul.

The subject was God's forgiveness.

"Many of you," Jacob began, "feel worthless. Our society teaches us to strive always to be the best. If you are not the best, you feel hollow and insignificant. At the same time you feel entitled to everything. We want what we do not deserve and even when we obtain it we are no longer content."

Many in the crowd nodded.

"God, alone, gives us solace from our feelings of hopelessness. We are all sinners, but God forgives us. His grace is available, not just for a select few or only the righteous, but for all. The love of God is free in all and free for all. It does not depend either on good works or the righteousness of the receiver, not on anything he has done or anything he is."

Some began to scowl at this.

"Think! God spared not His own son, but delivered Him up for all. How shall He not freely forgive us all things? God has sacrificed a multitude of prophets and children in order to grant us this forgiveness."

One man spoke up, "Why would God forgive even the greatest sinner?"

"God wants us all to love Him as He loves us. Love does not rebuke the sinner or rejoice in his merited punishment, but grieves for him and seeks to bring him in as the shepherd seeks out lost sheep. Consider it this way. Two men were in debt to a certain creditor. One owed $50,000 and the other owed $50. Neither could pay and the creditor forgave the debt for both. Which of them will love him more?"

"The one who owed more," the man said.

"Just so," Jacob said, "our Father will forgive the greatest sinner so that he will love Him more and through that love understand how much He loves him.

Chapter 9: Salvation

"Yesterday," Jacob said, "I spoke to you of God's forgiveness. Today I wish to teach you a very difficult lesson: Everyone goes to Heaven."

"Impossible," the crowd shouted, "even sinners, even murders, even those who do not follow the Law or accept Our Lord as their savior?"

"Yes, especially sinners, because they need God's love the most."

Great wailing and gnashing of teeth arose from the crowd at this statement.

Jacob waited patiently for silence. "Consider this world," he said. "Our world is a garden, the Lord its gardener, cherishing all, none neglected. Does God punish, on Earth, those who are evil and help only the good? The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture. No, God provides for all. God makes the Sun rise on the evil and the good. He sends rain for the just and the unjust. The light of heaven falls whole and white and is not shattered into dyes."

"But that is on earth; in Heaven, surely things are different."

"No. If you count God's blessing, you can never number it, surely God is all-forgiving, all compassionate. The quality of God's mercy is not strained, it drops as a gentle rain from Heaven."

"God will forgive all of our sins, even after death?"

"Yes, Christ died once for the sins of all, the righteous and the unrighteous. For God showed us His own love in this: While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Since all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God, we are all justified by His Grace as a gift."

"And God's Grace will come to us no matter how great our sins?"

"Yes. We are all sinners and all need God's Grace. Therefore, it is a question of degree. God does not say, "Who" but rather "How much?" God's forgiveness is all encompassing, it is not based on degrees. We cannot understand the scope of God's forgiveness because our mercy is limited. Man may be merciful to man, but the Lord's mercy encompasses all flesh."

"We are all sinners?"

"If even one is a sinner, we are all sinners. You cannot separate the just from the unjust or the good from the wicked for the righteous one is not innocent of the deeds of the wicked. Consider it this way: All human beings travel towards God in a single unbroken line. The good and the just lead this line and the rest of us follow. When one of you falls down, by committing a sin, he falls for those behind him, a caution against the stumbling stone, and he falls for those ahead of him, who though faster and surer of foot removed not the stumbling stone."

"God will not destroy the unrepentant sinner?"

"No. God is love, and love covers a multitude of sins. God will always forgive us because forgiveness is the final form of love. When one finger is sore, you do not cut it off. When one person has sinned, God does not abandon him."

"If all attain salvation why should we lead moral lives?"

"Because we want to be happy. He who does wrong is more unhappy than he who suffers wrong. Not from fear, but from a desired happiness and sense of duty you should refrain from your sins."

"Is there no punishment in Heaven?"

"God pities us, but still requires repentance of us. However, He cannot punish us. We punish ourselves. For, in Heaven, we learn how our sins harmed others during our time in this world. In Heaven, my conscience is sufficient punishment for me. God shows me what sins I have done and my soul feels pain. Through this pain, I discover what true love is. Through the negative, I learn the positive."

Chapter 10: Obsession

I have fallen hopelessly in love with Mary. I try to suppress my feelings because I am almost sure she will never love me, but it is impossible not to love her. She seems so sweet, beautiful, and perfect.

I suffer. There are sufferings in the world other than the suffering of love, but no torture is as great as the agony and rapture of unrequited love.

I have loved other women in my life before, though no one has ever loved me. I know well the pain of loving someone from afar. Nevertheless, I hope, by some miracle, that Mary will notice me. I cannot stop this insanity, this hopeless hope. I am helpless, condemned to death by the disease of misery. The miserable have no medicine except hope.

Every day I watch her without her knowing. Everyday she grows more beautiful in my eyes. Everyday she makes me fall in love with her all over again.

I watch her secretly but my heart aches for her to notice me. O Heart! O Heart! If she would but turn her head, you'd know the folly of being comforted.

I conceal my feelings even though I think she knows. She is with Simon. However, I do not think that they are in love.

You think I am jealous. I am not jealous. Jealousy contains more of self-love than of true love. I do not love my worthless self. I know I do not deserve her love.

I am not jealous, I am unfairly tortured. She will never love me, but I cannot stop loving her.

Mary, you are so beautiful and I am a fool for loving you. God, You make your beautiful creatures to be abhorred. You made her beautiful Lord, too beautiful. Your beautiful creation is destroying me.

Chapter 11: Attack

Some of the places we visited on our journey accepted us with open arms. Many did not. Often people would run us out of town at the first opportunity. Local church leaders and their followers were usually behind such attacks.

The attacks were always the same. I will tell you about the first time I experienced an attack. From the first, you will understand the others.

They came in the night, long after the crowd had departed. Jacob was giving us further instruction concerning his teachings. They ran up the hill, shouting, screaming, and carrying signs. They had no torches, but they were a mob nonetheless.

We ran. They chased screaming. Simon, John, and the brothers wanted to fight, but Jacob called them away and they obeyed.

We ran. They caught us. They began to hit us with their signs. I embraced Luish, trying to protect her with my body as Jesus and Love broke over my back.

We ran. I saw Mary fall and I tried to reach her, but the mob blocked my path. Simon knocked over her pursuers and carried her to the bus.

We ran. We reached the bus and they smashed their clubs against the windows screaming, always screaming. We drove away and they let us go

Chapter 12: Integrity

"Those monsters," Simon yelled, "we can't let them get away with this. Look at what they did."

He pointed to Mary and Luish. Both had large gashes across their foreheads. All of us bore wounds.

"My son," Jacob said, "when you come to serve the Lord, you must prepare yourself for trials."

"Why?" Luish said through purple lips. A hollow word, not a question.

Nevertheless, Jacob answered, "Those people hope for the truth, but hope and fear are inseparable. They are too afraid to change. They do not realize true danger arises from permanence. We revealed a new truth, a frightening truth because they could not fit it into what they knew to be the truth. Thus, they became angry and afraid."

"Isn't there anything we can do?" Simon said.

"All we need is a little patience and a little faith."

"My faith says we kill them, we punish them for what they did. All religions have a concept of holy war," John said.

"You want to replace faith with a doctrine. We must have faith. Faith is something you die for, a doctrine is something you kill for. Do you want to kill for me or die for me? In that choice, there is all of the difference in the world."

No one answered. I don't think he expected an answer.

"You have learned an important lesson tonight. Do not meet troubles half-way. A man holding a basket of eggs does not dance on stones and the grass must bend when the wind blows across it. Humble yourself the more, the greater you are, and you will find favor with God."

"But we lost," Atarah said.

"Those unbelievers may have conquered us tonight, but evil is never truly strong for it is born of fear. Fear is strong and hard while true courage is weak and soft. However, the softest things in the world eventually overcome the hardest things in the world. The beginning of the path to strength lies in the admission of vulnerability. Tonight, we yielded to maintain our integrity. They witnessed our faith and someday even out of those, our greatest enemies, a great number of believers will arise."

Chapter 13: Faith

Often, Jacob would teach with stories. He would impart knowledge through riddles. We referred to these teachings as parables, but we never really understood. He refused to explain them to us. He always began them the same way. He would say, "Consider this story," and everyone would listen for they knew these were the true teachings.

"Consider this story."

Many years ago, there was a valley between two gigantic mountains. A very old man named Yugong lived in the valley between the mountains. He was a kind man and this came through in his work. He was troubled by the mountains because they blocked the road and forced the inhabitants to go around on a lengthy journey whenever they left the valley.

Yugong decided to flatten the mountains so that there would be a direct route in and out of the valley. One of his sons and one of his grandsons agreed to help him. They dug up dirt at the base of the mountain. They had no baskets or containers to carry the dirt. Therefore, they each took only a small handful of the mountain.

"We do not want to block up another area," Yugong said, "so we must dump these mountains into the sea." The son and grandson agreed, for they were good men as well. Sadly, the sea was thousands of miles away.

They carried their burden all the way to the sea and returned home. This took almost an entire year.

When they returned a rich man laughed at them, "Yugong, you are almost ninety nine. How will you ever move two mountains?"

"I cannot move the mountains now," Yugong said, "but my son and grandson are helping me. After I die, they will continue and their sons and grandsons will continue my work. They will continue, and the mountains will not grow in size. Eventually the mountains will be gone. Nothing worth doing can be achieved in a lifetime. Why should I worry that I will die before the task is complete?

Chapter 14: Prayer

One night, while camped out somewhere in Middle America, warming ourselves by a campfire, the disciples began to argue over how to pray.

"Methodists are the only people that know how to pray correctly," Matthew said, "we have prayers that are personal but still reflect a healthy fear of God."

"Yeah right," Philip said, "Baptists use prayer to communicate directly with God."

"I do not understand you Christians," Stephen said, "why do you fear formal prayers."

"Formal prayers take away spontaneity and true love of God," Simon said, "They are recited without real understanding. Besides, all Christian religions have formal prayers."

"You make good points; people of all religions have prayers that may be empty. However, there is much use in formal prayers. They bring together the ummah or community of believers."

"Plus," Luish said, "rituals can help you find a oneness with God."

"Please don't compare my prayers with your ridiculous chanting."

"Sorry," Luish snapped, "but I know my prayers have much more meaning than yours do."

All the disciples began to argue shouting at each other. I am ashamed to admit that I joined the rest in shouting that my religion was the best.

Jacob came in carrying firewood and we stopped as soon as we saw him.

"Why are you arguing?" he said.

"We want to know how to pray," Simon said, "teach us how to pray."

"Your parents did not teach you your prayers?" Jacob joked.

"We know prayers," I said, "but we have repeated them so many times they have lost all meaning for us."

"I see," Jacob said as he placed the logs onto the fire. When he was finished he said, "Gather around and I will teach you how to pray."

"First, you can pray anywhere. There is not a single place in all the corners of the world where God is absent. He will always hear you. Nor must you say anything specific for God knows what we want before we ask."

"And will God answer our prayers?" Mary asked.

"God always answers our prayers. Either He changes the circumstances, or He supplies sufficient power to overcome them. Pray to God, cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you. God gives burdens but also shoulders. If you say yes, God will say yes."

"How will we know God has answered our prayers," John asked, "Will He speak to us?"

"He will answer somehow. No prayer goes unanswered-just, sometimes, you don't like the answer. Sometimes the answer comes in words, sometimes in a sign or in a feeling. Sometimes the answer is peaceful silence."

"I have never felt such things," Philip said.

"I have," Luish said.

"Good," Jacob said patting her on the shoulder, "you must teach the others how to receive the answer. But there is one more thing you must do when you pray."

We waited for Jacob to speak but he remained silent. Finally, James asked, "Well what is it?"

"I am afraid I must answer with a question. If people were being persecuted in your city what would you say to God?"

"Thank you for saving me from persecution."

"Thank you for keeping me from being a persecutor."

"Dear God please save me from your followers."

"Why are you persecuting people here Lord?"

"Wrong, "Jacob said. "Christ, or any other real religious leader, would ask to be among the persecuted and when He became one of the persecuted He would thank God."

"What are you saying?"

"That when you pray you must thank God not only for your happiness, but also for your pain. For pain is one of God's greatest gifts to us. Therefore, everyday reflect on the events of the day, both good and bad, and say, 'Thank you Lord for the great joy I experienced today."

Chapter 15: Quest

Later that same evening Jacob led me away from the group, "I need to speak with you," he said.

"Okay."

"I know you are troubled. You feel as though you are a worthless person whom God does not love. I want you to know that we are all here for a purpose. We are not powerless specks of dust drifting around in the wind, blown by random destiny. We are each of us like beautiful snowflakes-unique, and born for a specific reason and purpose. Therefore, God loves each of us as if there were only one of us. Do you believe God loves you and has chosen a purpose for you?"

"Yes."

"Good, now I want to tell you what your purpose is. I want you to find something for me. Do you remember what I asked you when we first met?"

"You asked me what I was seeking."

"Yes, we all are seekers but do we know what it is we seek?"

"No."

"We all seek, as you told me that day, happiness. Yet how do we become happy?"

"I have no idea."

"We become happy by choosing good over evil. However, this is a difficult task, for often those things that seem good are actually evil. Often we seek things that make us unhappy."

"What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to find the truth. I want you to discover the definition of what is good. I want you to discover how to distinguish the truly good from the truly evil. God, our savior, desires all to be saved and to come to the knowledge of this truth."

"It is impossible to find a single all-encompassing definition of good."

"For human beings it is impossible but not for God. All things are possible for God. The definition of the good does not change; it is an ever-fixed mark. Therefore, it can be discovered."

"I don't understand your words."

"Consider it this way. If a man's family is starving because he has no money, should he steal bread to feed his family? He has two choices one of them must be good and the other evil."

"Both could be evil."

"In theory, but God would not put us in an impossible situation. Therefore, one must be the right choice and the other the wrong choice. If you discover the meaning of the good, then that man, and all humanity, would know what choice to make."

"I think I understand, but you have to help me. I can't do all of this on my own. It is too great a responsibility."

"You must find it yourself, I cannot help you."

"Can't you at least give me a hint, a general direction?"

"I suppose I could. Reflect on Mark 10:14. God has small interpreters, the child must teach the man. You will find that every child is born in the right state."

"I need more help than that."

"You are already on the right path. You will find it when you must. Right now, the obstacle is the path."

"What does that mean?"

"All I can tell you is, look to your own life and, when it rains, throw away your umbrella."

"Great thanks for the help," I shouted after him as he walked away.

Chapter 16: Stars

All others rest, but I cannot. Sleep will not embrace me. I keep turning Jacob's words over in my head and I can't even think of how to start looking for the answer. I roll around praying for sleep, but I cannot overcome sleep by any stealth. Twin night covers my open eyes.

After a while of restless turning, Mary comes over and places her hand on my shoulder, "Are you okay?"

"Yes," I mutter thankful the darkness covers up my burning face. "I'm just worried."

"Don't tell me you're afraid of the dark," she teases.

"No, I'm afraid of the task Jacob has pressed upon me."

"A secret mission? Here maybe this will help. Some fool gave it to me today while Jacob was preaching. She said it contained all the secrets of the universe."

She hands me a beaten-up English to Turkish dictionary. A thoughtless gift. I will cherish it forever.

"He told me not to tell anyone but if you want-"

"No let's talk about something else," she says as she lies down beside me.

I am terrified because I have nothing to say. Nothing nothing nothing. Finally, I say, "Why are you here? Don't tell me you are afraid of the dark."

She laughs. A woman's laughter is the most beautiful sound in the world. "Not me. I have always loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night. As a child, I always wanted to be a star, to be so bright and glorious and powerful. How about you?"

"No, the stars may be large but they cannot think or love. Glory could not ever be as powerful as love."

"So you are a hopeless romantic, huh? Do you believe in true love?"

"Sometimes. I guess, true love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about but few have seen. Since you can't see love, you must have faith that it exists."

"I don't know if I believe in love. They say you can't experience pain without love. Well, I have experienced lots of pain but no love."

Just as I was about to ask her about this, I heard Simon walking towards us. "Hey what's going on over here?" he said.

Mary gave Simon an angry look and said, "Go away, he's telling me about the secret mission Jacob assigned to him."

"I knew this would happen," Simon groaned. "Wait don't leave me. I have a secret mission too. I'm writing a term paper on the finer things in life. Can I interview you baby?"

"That old pickup line won't work on me," Mary said.

"How about this one," Simon said picking Mary up, "Kiss me if I'm wrong but don't you want to go out with me?"

We all laughed.

Even in laughter, the heart may be sad.

Chapter 17: Love?

"Consider this story."

A man, a woman, and a child were traveling together in a foreign country. They had traveled a long way and they were thirsty.

They met an old man on the side of the road and he told them of a small stream nearby. He also said each should pick up a handful of pebbles from the stream bed. If they did this, he promised, they would be both happy and sad.

They did not reach the stream until nightfall. After they drank, each followed the old man's advice and scooped up pebbles from the stream. They then found a place a small distance away and went to sleep.

The next day, the man woke up first. He reached into his pocket and brought out the pebbles. To his surprise, he held sparkling rubies. The man quietly left the campsite, for he did not want to wake the woman or the child, and ran back to the stream. He searched the stream but all the pebbles were ordinary now. He threw the pebbles down and ran up the road searching for the old man.

At nearly the same time, the woman awoke. She discovered sapphires in her pocket. She was overjoyed because she feared her husband and his terrible temper. Now she finally had the money she needed to escape.

"I should get more," she thought, "why should I live like a commoner when I could be as rich as a queen?" She went to the stream and searched it but found nothing. "They must be jewels only at night," she thought. She wanted to test this theory, but was afraid her husband would find her if she stayed until nightfall. Therefore, she left and vowed to return when she had spent her sapphires.

While the woman was at the stream, her husband found the old man on the road.

"Did you take the pebbles?" the old man asked.

"Yes," the man said, "why didn't you tell me they were jewels, I would have taken more."

"I could have told you nothing," the old man replied.

"Tell me how to find more," the man said, holding a knife to the old man's throat.

"There is no way to find more, all will be pebbles now."

"You lie," the man said and thrust the knife into the old man's chest. When he saw what he had done, he ran away.

The child awoke. Finding his parents gone, he began to walk along the road, trying to remember how far it was to the river. He was thirsty. The pebbles, for he did not understand that they were valuable, pleased him because they were shiny.

Soon he met another family coming down the road. The family loved the jewels too. The child gave all of his jewels to the family. He was tired of them and was happy they could bring joy to others.

The child continued down the road searching for the river. He never found it again and eventually died of starvation because he had no money with which to buy food.

Chapter 18: Wisdom

After the day's teaching, I waited until Jacob was alone and then sought his guidance. I found him fishing in a beautiful lake.

"Jacob I have some questions about your message," I said.

"You have faith, but you need proof right?" Jacob laughed.

"No, it has nothing to do with faith. It's Joel. I think he is hurting the spread of the message."

"How?"

"Just by how he dresses. He looks ridiculous and he makes us look untrustworthy."

"My son," Jacob began, "Do you look at things only according to outward appearance? Do not consider his appearance. Man looks at outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart. Stop judging by appearances but judge justly."

"Well, it's not just how he dresses. I mean, he's borderline retarded, and I don't know which side of the border he's on. It's like every day, inside his brain; they are having a mass funeral for the dead brain cells."

Jacob laughed, "But you put up with fools gladly, since you yourself are wise. If you think you are wise then there is more hope for a fool than for you."

"I never said I was wise, but you have to consider the fact that he is hurting the cause."

"I admit that he has faults. No one is born without faults. You must learn to deal with the faults of others as gently as your own. I chose him for a reason. Great men are not always wise. It is wisdom to believe in the heart, and he has great wisdom in that. Look without prejudice and you will see his true nature. Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them."

As Jacob was speaking, Joel ran by, screamed happily, jumped into the lake, and splashed us with water.

"Thank God for fools," Jacob said, "theirs is the requiem of the unafraid."

Chapter 19: Freewill

"I have spoken to you about Heaven. Now I must speak to you of God's plan for us while we are in this world. God created us because he desires us to lead a joyous life. God's love is so great He wants us all to be happy. He gives us, although we are undeserving, great gifts to ensure our happiness."

"Why then did he put us into this world, where we often face unhappiness?"

"I understand your disbelief. There is something almost cruel about our being placed in a world that in every way pressures us to do the opposite of what God bids us to do. However, God put us here because He wanted us to have access to all of His gifts. In Heaven, God could not give us the greatest of all gifts, not because He was unable, but because it would destroy Heaven. That gift is freewill."

"Why can't we have freewill in Heaven?"

"Freewill can exist only if we are allowed to choose between good and evil. God did not want evil to exist in Heaven. Therefore, He created this world where we have freewill to choose between good and evil."

"Why is freewill a gift? Freewill causes pain."

"Freewill can cause pain, but it can also lead to great happiness. If we choose evil, we experience pain, but if we choose the good, we find joy. That joy is greater when we freely choose good, than when we are forced to choose it."

"If we have freewill, doesn't that prove God is not omniscient? If we have freewill, the future is not set and God cannot know it. Therefore, He is not all knowing."

"Freewill does not lessen the power of God. He who knows all things before they exist still knows them after they are made. We have the freedom to make decisions. God knows each decision we will make because God does not live in the past, present, or the future alone, but exists fully at all times. He gives us freedom in the past and already knows our decision in the future."

"I understand, but wouldn't freewill make God evil? If He gives us freewill to choose evil, then He gives us the strength to choose evil."

"No. God gives none a command to sin; to none does He give strength for lies. He is wholly good and wants us to become wholly good as well. The only way for us to become wholly good is for us to choose the good freely. Thus, he gives us freewill."

Chapter 20: Good/Evil

"Today we will consider the nature of good and evil. During our time in this world, we always stand at the crossroads of good and evil. God's gift of freewill allows us to choose which road to take."

All those present were very interested. Finally, Jacob would tell us how to be good.

"Let us ask: Why does evil exist? If God loves us, why did He allow evil into the world? Some want to believe evil does not or cannot come from God. They want to believe evil stems from another source. This is wrong. God alone can create and evil is not contrary to the plan of God. God is not divided against Himself, nor can anything challenge his power."

"Did not Satan challenge God. Is this not the reason evil exists?"

"No. God told his prophet, 'I form the light, and create darkness. I make peace and create evil. I the Lord do all these things.' God did not lie to his prophet. God created evil just as he created good."

"If God created evil, evil could not exist for God is not evil."

"To say evil does not exist would also mean good does not exist. Good must co-exist with evil to have meaning just as light needs darkness to be seen. We would not have known the name of good if there was no evil. Good must exist before evil. Thus, there is no possible source of evil except good."

"So you claim God created evil?"

"No. All things are, by nature, good. Nothing evil exists in itself. God put something noble and good into every soul His hand created. Therefore, no evil exists in us unless it comes from good. Evil arises when our goodness is diminished. For good to be diminished is evil; still, however much it is diminished, something must remain of its original nature as long as it exists at all. Therefore, God did not create evil, He only created good which could be diminished."

"Why did God allow good to be diminished?"

"God wanted us to be happy. He knew we would be happier if we had freewill. He knew we would be happier when we choose the good than if no good existed for us to choose. God judged it better to bring good out of evil than to suffer no evil to exist. God knew evil would complement the good making it even better."

"I don't understand how evil can make the good better. Do you mean because evil stands in contrast to the good?"

"In part. Evil is helpful because it allows us to understand the good by contrast. If you wish to untie a knot, you must first understand how it was tied. Likewise, if you wish to understand the good, it is helpful to understand the evil. But evil also complements the good."

"How?"

"When we move from a state of unhappiness to a state of happiness, our joy is greater than if we had never been unhappy. Sorrows often come to stretch the dark spaces in the heart for joy. Just so, when we bring good out of evil, the good is much better. For example, if we turn a sinner from his sin and towards the Lord, God is pleased because our task was difficult. Further, the world is enriched, first because the evil has ceased, and second, because the evil has been turned to good."

Chapter 21: Selfishness

"Now that you know both good and evil exist, I must teach you how to follow the good instead of the evil. First, we must ask, 'What is good? How can it be defined?' At this time, I can only reveal part of that definition. For now, we will define the good as anything which brings happiness to us on earth."

"God wants us to be happy?"

"God wants us to be happy even in this life, and he has given us one commandment to ensure our happiness. All religions contain this commandment, which is, of course, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' I say to you, 'Not one of you is a believer until he loves his neighbor more than himself.' Whoever wants to do some evil against another does not remember God. To love only your friends is nothing. It is easy to be friendly to one's friends, but to befriend the one who regards himself as your enemy is the quintessence of the truth. You must be merciful as your Father is merciful."

"How can we keep this commandment?"

"It is difficult, perhaps the most difficult thing in the world. You can start by refusing to judge others. Never judge your comrade until you have stood in his place. If you want to criticize someone, first criticize yourself more than 3 times. Always think of your enemies as helpless and innocent. You would never pinch a helpless baby bird with a stick. Therefore, consider your enemies to be, as they actually are, helpless baby birds."

"I do not disagree with what you say," a member of the crowd said, "but I do not see how this will bring happiness. If we follow this commandment we will face a difficult and unhappy life."

"No. God orders us to seek only our own individual happiness. Therefore, I command you to be selfish. Be selfish and give to others. Life becomes harder for us when we live for others, but it also becomes richer and happier. Pray to God for such a burden. God places the heaviest burden on those who can carry its weight. Bear one and other's burdens, and you will fulfill God's commandment and receive, as a reward, true happiness."

"How will burdens bring happiness?"

"I tell you, being greatly burdened myself, those with the greatest burdens are the happiest. The measure which you measure out will be measured out to you and still more will be given to you. When your burden becomes too great for you to handle, cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you."

"Will we not feel pain when others take advantage of our hospitality?"

"No. To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it. If you follow this commandment no one can hurt you and nothing can bring you pain."

Chapter 22: Desire

"Consider this story."

There once lived a rich and powerful man. He was very arrogant, successful, and wise. He was proud of his many accomplishments but feared that they would not continue after his death because he had a lazy, fun-loving son.

"Is there anything on earth that lasts forever?" he asked his priest.

"Nothing, certainly, on Earth, but in Heaven," the priest said.

The man was not pleased with this answer, for he did not believe in Heaven, and was, no doubt, unlikely to be received there. Therefore, he decided to hold a contest and offer a great prize to anyone who could show him something eternal.

Many proposed an answer, but we will consider only the closest three.

First, a virtuous man came to him. "I am a moral man," he said, "but after my death, my story will not be told and I will have gone through everything in vain. However, a man who is very virtuous will live forever. With your wealth you could do many good deeds and your name would last forever."

The man was pleased with this answer, although not too pleased because he would have to give away his beloved wealth. However, the priest disagreed.

"It is never the rich who are remembered for their good deeds. The poorest man who performs a good deed out of kindness will be remembered longer than one who gives away vast sums. Even if this were not true, memories of good deeds fade. Humanity has an exceedingly short memory."

"Send him away," the man said for the priest had convinced him good deeds were only transitory.

Next an old and very wise man came. "Look at these old books I carry which are filled with ancient knowledge far greater than my own. Wisdom lasts forever. Spend your money on works to bring wisdom and your name will last forever."

Again, the priest answered, "Often those seeking wisdom find falsehood and foolishness instead. Even if you invest in true wisdom, you will be forgotten. Wisdom may remain but the creator is forgotten."

"Send him away," the man said for the priest had convinced him wisdom cannot last.

Finally, a small, unimportant, but happy man came. "Follow me," he said.

The small man led them to a beach and sat in the wet sand where the waves crashed upon the much sounding shore. With his finger, he wrote, "And this too shall pass away." As soon as he finished, the waves washed away his work.

The priest said nothing.

"Send him away," the man said for he knew this was the answer.

Chapter 23: Blind

I was sitting, watching Mary laughing sweetly as she talked with Simon. My soul felt hard, cold, and empty. She loved him, not me. Looking at her dredged up memories of other girls I had loved from afar. I mixed the bitterness of the past with the poison of the present.

"You love her don't you?" Luish asked from behind me.

"Who, what do you mean?"

"Oh please, it's so obvious," Luish said sitting down next to me.

"I'm not in love with her."

"She isn't a bad person, but you have overvalued her, my friend. You fill her with your dreams, your hopes, and your soul. You should look at her as she really is, then you would know that she is not the right person for you."

"How would you know Aurora?"

"I know what it is like to love someone alone. To love someone close to you who doesn't even know who you are."

I shifted uncomfortably under her gaze, "So what should I do?"

"Forget about her, find someone else. You can't force anyone to love you. Staying attached to her will only bring you more pain."

"I can't, I'm in love with her. I can't choose to stop loving her. Love is not rational."

"You are not in love. You are infatuated. Love is patient, love is kind. It is not self-seeking. Infatuation is an insanity in which you shape a person to be what you want and care nothing for what they really are or what they really want." She slid towards me and wrapped her arm around mine.

"I am in love. Love always hopes, always perseveres, and never says it will never be. Love is not blind-it simply enables one to see things others fail to see."

"Fine, you are in love with her, but she is not in love with you. I have talked with her and she loves Simon," she said pressing herself against me.

"Eventually he will stop loving her and she will forget him. Love eventually ends."

"Real love stories never have endings," she sighed placing her head on my shoulder.

"If they are truly in love then I will have to live my life in constant suffering."

"I see your mind is made up. I will help you if I can, because I don't want you to experience the same pain that I feel. It will be a miracle if she comes to love you. Therefore, we will have to make a miracle. There's no problem a good miracle can't solve."

"I don't believe in miracles."

"Where there is great love, there are always miracles. This must be true. Otherwise I am doomed to perpetually wonder in the dark, to be forever a pale shadow of what I could be-of what, paradoxically, I already am."

"How will we make a miracle?"

"You must trust me."

"I don't trust anyone."

"You can trust me. Step into the unknown and do not be afraid. There is an answer to your problem."

Chapter 24: Love-Hate

Mary. Ama me fideliter, Fidem meam noto. Decorde totaliter. Et ex mente tota. Sum presentialiter. Absens in remota. Quid me nutrit me destruit. Odi et amo. Quare id faciam, fortasse requires. Nescio. Sed fieri sentio et excrucior.

(Love me faithfully, See how I am faithful, With all my Heart, and all my Soul, I am with you, even though I am far away. What nourishes me also destroys me. I hate and I love. Perhaps you ask why I do so. I do not know but I feel it to be and I am tortured.)

Chapter 25: Money

Sometimes, Jacob would take questions from the audience. Often the rich asked about money.

"We have heard," someone from the crowd said, "it is very difficult for a rich person to get into heaven."

"But always," another said, "people who are rich or successful, say God has blessed them and that is the reason for their wealth."

"Do you not allege everyone goes to heaven anyway?" a third said.

"Listen," Jacob responded, "and I will teach you about money. You have heard the love of money is the root of all evil. The rich wish to twist this truth and say they are not evil because they do not love their money even though they spend every waking hour pursuing it. I say money is a great evil, not just morally, but to your own happiness."

"I agree," Simon joked, "give me all of your money and I will suffer for you."

The crowd laughed.

"We seek happiness," Jacob said, "but money doesn't always bring happiness. A person with $10 million dollars is no happier than one with only $9 million. How often have you seen a rich person trapped by his money, unable to choose happiness because he fears losing his wealth or lifestyle?"

"How then, should we live?"

"Be it little or much, be content with what you have."

"I agree with what you say," a woman said, "but I always get upset when someone with money says God has blessed them. Shouldn't we avoid such language and the holier than thou attitude?"

"You make a wonderful point. The vague and tenuous hope God punishes the evil, either here or in Heaven, has become a deadly opiate for the consciousness of millions. You all think God rewards good and punishes evil, but I say to you God punishes the good and rewards the evil. By this, I mean the evil are always successful under the standards of this world, while the good are often destitute. God does not bless us with wealth or fame; He blesses us with happiness and understanding."

"Please clarify. How much wealth is too much? How much should we give away to others?"

"We all have a duty to give and receive. Let not your hand be open to receive and clenched when it is time to give. You will lose money, but you will gain something much more valuable. It is bad to have an empty purse, but an empty heart is a whole lot worse. It is enough if you give as the widow woman gave."

"I want to help others and I give away money, but I can't bankrupt myself and my family, especially when I know the money is going to a worthless person or cause. I have to look to my own family's safety and welfare first."

"God hasn't promised us a quiet journey, only a safe arrival. If we let things terrify us, life will not be worth living. Put your trust in God and I promise your family will be safe and happy. Yes, your lifestyle may change, but I doubt your life is perfect now. If it is not, then a change may be beneficial."

"What do you want me to do, give all of my money to the poor and follow you?"

"Not necessarily. You may give your money to rich or poor, but you should help those in need. I don't ask you to follow me, just seek your own happiness. There is no need to fear poverty if everyone follows my teachings."

"That will never happen. I can't trust everyone else to give away their money to help me."

"If you do not trust them, why should they trust you?"

Chapter 26: Message

About two weeks into our journey, we stopped at a small church in an area called Pumlumon. The church itself was nothing special. It was a small and dilapidated building that looked as if it had been abandoned long before. Despite this, it gave off a kind of power that suggested wisdom.

The surrounding area was beautiful. The church stood on top of a small hill surrounded by birch and dogwood trees. The petals of the trees continually broke free and swirled through the air until they fell into the dust, dreaming of eyes and great winds.

"Listen, everyone," Jacob said, "this is a special place, a place to be with God. Each of us will go inside, one by one, and seek a message from God. Go inside, pray, and keep your mind open to receive God's message."

Jacob told us we would enter one by one in the order he chose us. I would be last. Jacob himself would come in after all of the disciples finished.

A miracle must have occurred in the church. Every disciple came out speaking in tongues. I do not understand what they said. Nevertheless, I will write their words here.

Simon went in first. He spent 12 minutes inside and returned with a satisfied look on his face. "Oltre i confine. E le terre assetate. Dici che come fiume. Come fiume...L'amore giungerà," he said. (Beyond the borders and the thirsty lands You say that as a river, like a river, love shall come.)

Andrew remained inside for only 7 minutes as did his brother James who followed him. They both returned with huge grins on their faces. "Quel est le vin qu'y verse la Déesse? Nous l'ignorons; il enivre et ravit."(What wine does the Goddess pour? One we don't know, which exalts and enraptures. )

Stephen was inside for 9 minutes and he returned content. "E as promessas divinas da esperança"(the divine promises of hope).

Joel spent only 3 minutes inside before receiving his message. He was laughing when he returned. "Intelligo me velle." (I understand that I will understand)

Mary was inside for 10 minutes and when she returned, she looked more beautiful than I have ever seen her. "Aletheuontes de en Agape."(speaking the truth in love)

Luish needed only 4 minutes, which I thought strange because her prayers were lengthy and complicated. "jinhe.n mai.n Dhuu.NDhataa thaa aasmaano.n me.n zamiino.n me.n vo nikale mere zulmat-e-Khaanaa-e-dil ke makiino.n me.n." (the one I was searching for on the earth and in heaven appeared residing in the recesses of my own heart.)

Atarah came out with an awed expression 8 minutes after entering. "Dair Nahin, Haram Nahin, Dar Nahin, Aastan Nahin Baithe Hain Reh-Guzar Pe Hum. Gair Hamein Uthaye Kyon?"(neither in the temple nor the mosque Nor on someone's door or porch. I await on the path where he will tread. Why should others compel me to go?)

John, Matthew, and Philip entered in that order and each spent 6 minutes inside.

John said, "be-semai I-melaIkt Kidusan "(I heard the angels singing).

Matthew said, "Himitsu wo shiri tai."(I want to know your secret)

Philip said, "Gott hat ein Welt voller kleiner Weltchen erschaffen."

I was next.

Chapter 27: Silence

I entered the church with a feeling of dread. What did I fear more? God's silence or His inflexible words?

The church was dark like a grave. Only feeble light came in from the two high windows. The sun had almost set and soon darkness would envelop the church. For now, dusty rays illuminated the way.

I saw a broken organ and several huge bells, but there was no sound. In the midst of such silence, it seemed possible to believe in everything.

Otherwise, the church was empty, not only of religious feeling and truth like most churches, but empty of furniture and possessions. No one had worshipped here in a very long time. I could see the footprints of the others in the dust.

I followed their footprints until they stopped in front of the altar. There the dust indicated that the disciples knelt.

I knelt and began to pray to God. "Lord, I am a sinner and I don't deserve any answer from you. All I ask is that you listen to me. If my words are worthwhile please send me a sign."

I heard nothing but silence. I saw nothing but darkness. I felt nothing but sorrow.

"I have never been a good person, but I am trying. I want to turn away from my selfish desires and help others. I hope that by following Jacob I can do this. I thank you for sending him to me."

I heard nothing but silence. I saw nothing but darkness. I felt nothing but sorrow.

"I know that I have been angry at you before, blamed you for my pain, and questioned your will. I'm sorry, I know you are not responsible for that. I am trying to be a better person. I am trying to help others now. Jacob wants me to find the definition of the good. Can you please give it to me?"

I heard nothing but silence. I saw nothing but darkness. I felt nothing but sorrow.

"Please Lord! Please! Just tell me something, anything."

I heard nothing but silence. I saw nothing but darkness. I felt nothing but sorrow.

"Fine, forget it."

I stood up and left. As I opened the door, Jacob entered. I noticed some words written on the door "שלום הילד שלי."(hello/goodbye my son) I could have taken those words as a sign but I couldn't read them.

Chapter 28: Adversary

I left the church more unsure of my path than ever. All the disciples were gone. A man now stood before the church with his back to me, staring out across the countryside. The sun was dying, drenching him with its bloody rays. All else was darkness, but he shone like the morning star in the midst of a cloud.

He did not move until the red light of the sun disappeared, leaving us in twilight darkness. Finally, he turned to me. I wish I could tell you something, some distinguishing mark, some way for you to recognize him, to know him, so that you could flee from him. But nothing about his appearance stood out, he was unremarkable in every way.

He smiled at me and I was afraid. Not because I feared him, but because his smile showed he recognized some kinship with me. I feared myself because I thought I was dangerous.

"When I consider how my light is spent," he said, "I wonder how many days I have wasted. How many hours in needless pain and worry? How many minutes on worthless tasks? That is why I like the sunset. It reminds me to hurry."

I didn't know what the hell he was talking about. "Hello my name is..."

"I know who you are even if you do not know yourself. Please allow me to introduce myself. You may not remember but we have met before," he shook my hand, "My name is Belial." He paused, and then pointed in the direction of the church. "Why are you here?"

"I, we, are on a journey and we came here looking for something."

"Ma t'vakesh,"(what are you seeking?) he said, "What are you seeking?"

"The truth."

He laughed. "Quid est veritas?"(what is truth) It is strange to hear you speak of the truth. After all these years you do not yet know what it is?"

"No."

"Do you want to know even though the truth can hurt you?"

"Yes."

"There is no truth. Better yet, everything is the truth. Imagine anything and anyone can make it true. No truth remains that has not been falsified by another truth. The opposite of a fact is falsehood, but the opposite of one profound truth may very well be another profound truth. All things are subject to interpretation; whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth. All the truth in the world adds up to one big lie."

"I do not believe you."

"Fine, be a fool, accept whatever truth you desire. I promise you I can prove it true and false." He walked to the church and sat down on an old wooden bench. "Do you even know why you seek the truth?"

"To find the good."

"Excellent, I also know the definition of the good. What is good? All that heightens the feeling of power, the will to power, power itself in man. Only those with power are satisfied. Why else would all strive for it?"

"You are wrong."

"Am I?"

Chapter 29: Hell

"Have you not yet realized who I am? How I know these things? I am the one you mistakenly call 'ha Satan.'"

"You seem more like a madman to me."

He laughed, "What is madness but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance. Think me a madman if you wish, but listen."

I moved away from him quickly, but slowly enough that he would not know I was trying to escape. Always, always keeping my eyes on him. You do not turn your back on the devil. "Why are you here? Aren't all devils supposed to be in hell?"

He did not move, but I felt him chasing me, "Why this is hell, for I am damned and am now in Hell."

The necessary conclusion that I was in hell, had always been in hell, he left unspoken.

He advanced on me. Where could I run, where could I hide that he could not find me? "Why are you so afraid of Hell," he said, "do you think heaven is such a glorious thing? I admit that Heaven is beautiful, but it is not a pretty thing when you look into it too much."

"I think I would rather be in heaven," I said.

"And how do you plan on getting there? By following the ramblings of a dead carpenter? I knew him, just as I have known all the others. He was not the son of God. Like all teachers, he was a failure who tricked some poor uneducated fools into following him. Like all men, he sought power and glory. You should call him 'Halal.' Even if he was not a liar, Christ cannot save your soul, for he is just. The just never bend their backs to save lowly sinners like you and me. Christ cares for none but the powerful."

"You lie, you were born to lie, there is no truth in you. I am not yet condemned. Faith in Christ, or at least in God, can save me. Don't tell me God doesn't exist, since you, if you are a devil, prove his existence."

"God does not exist. You think that evil requires good? I do not argue that I am good, but those who rule in heaven, the other angels, are as evil as I am. Their evil is just of a different nature. I am the bringer of light. I have wisdom by reason of my brightness. They have no wisdom and they seek to drag you into the darkness. I lead men towards power and glory. They desire worship and sacrifice. I order you to seek power, so that you may rule over others. They order you to become a beggar, so that they can rule over you. What do they offer in return? Nothing. Those who served them in life will serve them in death as well."

"If angles rule, what is God?"

"God is nothing but a concept by which we measure our pain. An invented being who we claim is perfect and all-powerful. They order us, 'Be imitators of God,' a lie well suited to keep us striving to reach an impossible goal and torturing ourselves when we fall short of that perfection. The idea of God is the sole wrong for which I cannot forgive mankind. Even I once believed this lie. I said, 'I will be like the most High.' With difficulty, I learned the error of my ways."

He dropped his voice, muttering to himself, "Kam hongey is bisaat par hum aisey bad qumaar. Jo chaal hum chaley woh nihayat buri chaley. (There may be few gamblers as bad as I, whatever move I made proved to be very bad) Be-semai I-melaIkt Kidusan (I heard the angles singing) Maut Se Pehlre Aadmi Gum Se Nijaat Paye Kyon?" (Before realizing the truth how can one obtain liberation?)

He turned to me again, an angry look on his face, "You can prove the existence of God in any way you wish, but if he existed, he would be the greatest tyrant ever. He starves us with his goodness. He holds a feast but denies us the smallest scrap from his table and He often dashes the cup from our lips. Knowing nothing but joy He gives us nothing but misery."

Chapter 30: Happiness

I was afraid then, terrified by these words, by their truth or their impersonation of truth. I had no answer. And I wanted an answer more than I had ever wanted anything. I remained silent, but I did not retreat. Then, in my darkest hour, I heard Jacob's voice behind me and I knew that I would survive.

"Leave him alone," Jacob said, his voice filled with righteous anger. He stepped between us. I knew then that Belial would take flight, for even the devil could not stand against Jacob.

I was wrong. Belial smiled and appeared unafraid, "You join us at last, Mashiach Ben-HaM'vorakh."

Nor did Jacob back down. He raised his palms to heaven and said, "Sa'luk, your battle is with me, not with him."

Belial shook his head, "Your generation has passed. I will not waste my time on futile tasks." He pointed an accusing finger at me, "My battle is with this one. Are you so afraid your disciple will join with me?"

Now Jacob smiled, "I fear this less than if you tempted me. However, I will not abandon my child. Say what you will."

"Fine," Belial said, "let us argue, let us debate together. I will take both of your souls." He turned to me, "You have told me that you seek happiness. I know your kind, those who unknowingly stumble into despair. I offer you blessed happiness and a life more joyful than that of any man. I only ask you to give up that which will ruin you; I only ask you to do that which makes you happy. I have found what you seek. Hear and obey me or forever regret."

Jacob answered for me. "We do not seek the easy life that you provide. If simple happiness is our goal, then we rob ourselves of the benefits of pain and disappointment. True joy appears only after a lifetime of both happiness and sadness."

Belial acknowledged Jacob's words, but spoke directly to me, "He asks you to join with him in suffering. He is right, for suffering is the best human beings can hope to attain. Very narrow and paltry is human happiness, nor is it worth the effort."

Again, Jacob answered for me, "I do not deny that the world is full of hate and evil, but from the dark center we can dig up enough small seeds of joy. Nothing is bad unless a man thinks it is bad. Even in unhappiness, there is nothing which can adversely affect a virtue which one truly desires." He placed his hand on my shoulder, anchoring me against the buffeting winds of fate, "Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good."

"And you call me mad. Listen to him. You have already lived a life of hopelessness and constant `What ifs'; I can see it in your eyes. Take what I offer, take it now. I will suffer for you. Suffer no more for men like him. I offer you perfection without charge. Take it now."

"You must not steal from others. You must follow your own way to your destiny. Yes, we may find whatever we wish by harming others. We may easily take the harvest they have grown but are unable to protect. That way lies evil and, in the end, true despair. You must cultivate your own garden, and, with difficulty, dig up the roots of happiness without harming others. The little happiness that you produce with your own broken hoe is better than the plenty another gives you."

That was the end. They both fell silent. I knew both spoke the truth. There was but one answer, "I will continue to live my life the way I have been and just wait and see."

Chapter 31: Control

"I understand," Belial said, "I do not agree but I understand. You want to be a martyr. You envy the suffering of Christ. You too want to suffer for the good of mankind. Therefore, come, listen, and accept your destiny."

He led us back up towards the church. There beside the eastern wall he placed a screen. Thousands of images flashed on the screen showing all of the glorious accomplishments of our race. I glimpsed all the works of human ambition: the great monuments, the seats of authority, gold, desire, and power entangled with all.

When my eyes had taken their fill, Belial said, "All this power I give to you, and the glory with it. For I have received exclusive power over this world and I can give it to whoever I wish. All of this can be yours."

"You offer me rule over the world? How will this cause me pain?"

"Do you not realize that with great power comes great responsibility? Everyone to whom much is given, of him will much be required. Look again." As I looked, the scene changed. I saw the suffering of the world: disease, poverty, war, hate, loneliness, boredom, and all kinds of other problems.

"Now you understand," Belial said, "I offer you control over a world filled with evil and suffering; you with your goodness will cleanse it. You will force the people to do only good. Your soul will be lost, but you will save the souls of all as long as you live. Are you brave enough to be a propitiation?"

As I wavered, Jacob saved me. "Again, demon, you offer an easy solution and a light burden full of peril. That there is much suffering in this world no one disputes, but we must not seek to overcome evil with evil. We must have faith humanity can mend its own faults."

Belial let his eyes linger on the screen as it left the present and confirmed the history of human misery. "Kyrie eleison!(Lord Have Mercy) How long, how many years, prophet, do you wish to give them? How many deaths, how much suffering before you understand that good cannot ever arise out of evil. Until you recognize that we live in a fallen world and humans are, by nature, evil? Look around. We call ourselves civilized, but the strife about us proves our error. We have wired up the whole world, established contact throughout, created everywhere the possibility of co-operation and mutual understanding. Still the world is filled with hate and misunderstanding. The closer we become, the more we suffer. Know mankind for what it is."

"Enough," I said, "There is no reason for this. You ask me to bow down before you. Even if I agree, you will have power above me, evil will remain in the world."

"You misunderstand," Belial said, "I do not promise as before. If you agree, I will bow down to you. The evil will bow before the good and you may banish me from the world. It will be yours alone. Just give me what I want and no one gets hurt."

They awaited my answer. I said, "What worth kingship without peace of soul."

Chapter 32: Suffering

After my words faded, there was silence in heaven for half an hour. A silence not filled with uncomfortable fear but rather a soft silence like that just before sunrise. I kept my eyes downcast, seeking an answer through prayer. "Please, Lord, if you exist, make me strong."

Finding hollow strength, I lifted my eyes to Belial. I was surprised to see the look of anguish on his face, the fear and hopelessness in his eyes. "I pity you," he said, "and it is out of pity I do this. I did not want to hurt you. Viens-tu du ciel profond ou sors-tu de l'abîme, Ô Beauté?" (Do you come from deep heaven or do you come from hell O beauty?)

I did not need him to translate. I knew what he offered. What else did I desire above all? Mary. A chance to live without her always breaking my heart. "Can you really make her love me?"

"Impossible," Jacob said, "freewill forbids you to control another person."

"Does it?" Belial said. "Just because it is impossible for God does not make it impossible for me. God chooses not to control anyone because he loves us too much to steal away freewill. His love makes him weak. I have no such dilemma. I have never used this authority before, but this is a vital time. Demand my offer and I will grant it. You know I cannot lie about these matters."

"What are the conditions?" I said.

"She will love you as much or as little as you wish. Without my command, she will never notice you."

"I know," I said.

"I offer even more," he said, "for I am a charitable man. When you learn her faults, when you tire of her, or when you want more than her worship, I shall grant it. Anyone, everyone will adore you."

Again, Jacob placed his hand upon my shoulder, but now it trembled. "Do not be overcome by selfish desires. You know too well the ache of living without love. This has taught you the true meaning of love, that without some sorrow or pain no man may live in love. If you wish to be loved, love. Happiness cannot arise from selfish love. Happiness is spiritual, born of truth and love. It is unselfish. Therefore, it cannot exist alone but requires all humanity to share it."

"Do not let him trick you," Belial said, "this is your last chance. Seize it or you will live every day begging and pleading for someone to release you from the darkness. You will face the world alone."

"I know," I said. "This is my answer: "Real love is like the truth, sometimes it prevails, sometimes it hurts."

Chapter 33: Teachers

When we arrived at the next city, Jacob handed out maps with different areas circled on each one.

"What is this?" Simon asked.

"Now that you have received your message," Jacob said, "you are no longer merely followers. You must become teachers. Not even the greatest master can go even one step for his disciple. The disciple must experience each stage of developing consciousness. True understanding is not an accumulation of knowledge; it is an awakening of consciousness that goes through successive stages."

"What?"

"Each of you will go out and preach to a different part of the city. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths."

All of the other disciples, except John, seemed overjoyed at this prospect. I was terrified. After the others left, I approached Jacob.

"Jacob, I can't do this. I can't preach. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor now. I can't give a speech in front of people. I can barely hold a normal conversation."

"Do you know the doctrines?"

"All I know is that I know nothing."

"To know yet to think that one does not know is best. It is better not to know and to know that one does not know, than presumptuously to attribute some random meaning to symbols. Don't worry. Preach my Gospel at all times, and if necessary, use words. Keep to the subject and the words will follow. Trust in yourself, you know more than you think you do. God will be with you."

"But what if I say the wrong thing? What if I twist God's truth? What if I can't say anything at all?"

"Do not be afraid. An error can never become true however many times you repeat it. The truth can never be wrong, even if no one hears it. If you are not able to say anything, then smile. A warm smile is the universal language of kindness. Then do something wonderful, people might imitate it. Let your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more."

"What if I can't? What if I fail?"

"I am not afraid of that."

Chapter 34: Failure

I failed. I really tried but I failed. No one wanted to listen to me as I preached. Everyone either avoided me or looked at me as if I was crazy.

I wouldn't have been so discouraged except that everyone else seemed to have some success, especially Simon. He said many people listened to him and agreed with what he preached. I hoped he was lying but I could tell he wasn't.

I went to Jacob again, "I totally failed."

"No you didn't, not yet. Stumbling is not falling. You must try again."

"Please don't make me. I can't do this."

"You can and you will. You just have to believe in yourself. You need to change your view of what you are and what you can do."

"I can't do anything. I have never succeeded at anything. Can't you understand that I'm a worthless failure."

"No you're not. You succeeded today even though you seemed to fail. Success is never final and failure never fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts. The virtue lies in the struggle not in the prize. Try and fail, but do not fail to try. In the end, we are remembered by our successes but we are defined by our failures.

Chapter 35: Truth?

"Consider this story."

There was once an honest thief who wanted to steal a large golden bell located in the center of his town. The bell was made entirely of gold and inscribed with the words "true or false." The thief knew the bell was very valuable even though no one in the town had any use for it.

The thief couldn't lift the bell and had no way to carry it. Therefore, he decided to break it into pieces. He took a large hammer and hit the bell. The bell did not break but it rang loudly. The thief did not want others to hear so he covered up his ears.

The authorities arrested the foolish thief, but no one ever forgot the beautiful sound the bell made that day.

Chapter 36: Time

We met many wonderful people on our journey and I wish I could tell you about all of them, because good people still remain in the world. However, due to my poor writing ability and the consequences of space and your attention, I pass over most of them. I cannot pass over the Malones, Bob and Linda. I feel they have something to teach us.

The Malones were a wealthy couple. They were both in their seventies and had been married for fifty years. She had come to believe, but he had no use for God.

One day I found Linda watching the road waiting for Bob and Jacob to return.

"Why are you sitting there?" I said, "They won't be back for another hour or so."

"I know," she said, "I just don't want to lose track of time and miss him. All of our time is precious together. Who knows how many years we have left?"

"Haven't you already lived together for over fifty years? Isn't that enough time?"

"Yes, but life moves too quickly, fifty years is a very short time."

"Not for me. My life moves too slowly, but maybe because it is empty."

"Age and youth look at life from opposite ends of a telescope. Believe me life is too short. You must seize every minute because it is ending one minute at a time."

"Life is too long when you feel only grief and pain."

"Not if you look at life correctly. I count only the bright hours and those are too short. As you live longer, you will forget your pain. Shadow passes, light remains. Usually we allow the days to pass by unnoticed. We like to see the days pass even though we don't want to reach the last one. We wait for what will never come, until it is too late. We barely glance at each day and say, 'This isn't what I've been looking for.'"

At that moment, Jacob and Bob came into view. "See you were wrong, she said getting up, "they have returned early."

Jacob and Bob were arguing about something. "I tell you," Jacob said, "God has put you on this earth for a reason, you just haven't found it yet. Don't you know that?"

"I know that I'll live and I know that I'll die. God has decreed those things, but the in between is mine. I won't let God ruin the short time I have on Earth."

"Will you not even listen to what I have to say?"

"No, you cling to your ways and I'll cling to mine. I don't believe in God anyway and you cannot prove that He exists."

"Of course not. A God that let us prove his existence would be an idol. You can only have faith in God."

"I have faith in nothing. Don't need it. Don't want it. All I have is doubt."

"Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. The greatest religious teachers were doubters."

"I know nothing of faith. I am too old to change. I am too old for God."

"You know all that is necessary. The years teach much which the days do not know. A man is not old until his regrets take the place of his dreams. Necessary patience in seeking the Lord is better than that you lead life without his guidance. I am here for a purpose. Today my purpose is to convince you God has a plan and you are part of that plan."

"I am ready to listen," Bob said.

Linda smiled, "He is beginning to believe. There is still time."

Chapter 37: Destruction

Soon after leaving the home of the Malones, God destroyed me.

We were in another city and Jacob had sent the disciples out to preach as he always did. I was still the worst preacher of all but my preaching was growing in depth and I was getting better.

Around noon, a small crowd had gathered to listen to me and I was giving a decent sermon on good and evil. Halfway through, I noticed my father standing at the back of the crowd. I faltered in my speech when he nodded to me in recognition.

I finished my speech, Jacob would not want me to quit. I don't know what I said. Fear overwhelmed me. I was afraid my father would force me to come back home.

When I finished, my father approached me. His eyes looked weary and tired of life. We hugged awkwardly.

Words poured out of me, "Dad I'm sorry, I don't know what- I couldn't- I have to do this, please don't make me leave, you don't understand how my life was before."

My father raised his hands, "I'm not here to take you home. I have news, bad news." Tears filled his eyes.

"Your mother is dead."

Chapter 38: Need

God, I believe in you, but I have some questions. Why do You let bad things happen to good people? Why did You have to let her die? Why her? Why me?

Maybe I should ask why not me? Why should I expect You to save me? You always abandon the good people.

Death and pain are a part of our lives. That is how You want it to be. It must be, for You have control over everything and You made us mortal.

You love death and pain, because those things make us need You. If we were always happy, we would not need You. Therefore, You, in your selfish wisdom, made us imperfect. You created sinners and killers. You gave us flaws because You are needy.

Of all your glorious and numberless creations, you love death the most. When someone dies, we need You most of all. We gather in churches, we call out to You, we pray, and we cry, to You, Lord, "Have mercy on us."

Death serves an even greater purpose for You. We fear death and, because of this fear, we pray to You. At funerals, especially, we focus on death. Funerals and memorials are not for the dead, they are for the living. They are not testaments to our love. They are symbols of our fear. We mourn the one You took away for Your own purpose and beg You not to take us.

Why Lord, did You take her? Why did You forsake me? My mother would never have forsaken me.

Look to Your own son. You left Him. You let Him die on the cross without You. Despite Your efforts, He was not alone. His mother was there. She did not leave Him nor could she forsake Him. She was not like You.

If only You could have died instead of her. Die God. You need us, but we do not need You. Maybe if You die we would need You. Or maybe no one would care.

Chapter 39: Humanity

The day of the funeral came. If we truly believed in heaven, we all should have been happy. In truth, even Jacob was distraught.

Grief is not like happiness. Bliss can never be complete. There is always something to hold it back. Even in the greatest joy, we know happiness is too wonderful to last. Bliss destroys itself.

Grief is different. Grief does not deliberate. It comes upon you with its entire force and thrusts you into darkness so complete that you know there is no hope and no escape. The Well of Despair has no bottom. Sorrows come, not singly, but in thousands of battalions to pierce your soul with swords of sorrow.

A great multitude has come to the funeral. All desire to take their share of the misery. A funeral is like the last party you will ever throw. No one comes except those who love you or are, for some other reason, compelled to come. All come to share their suffering. There is a kind of pleasure in crying, there is joy in great misery. You smile at your tears but have them in your heart. Solamen miseris habuisse doloris. (misery loves company).

I watch them all gather and think how funerals prove humanity is very much like a swarm of bees. A bee cannot be selfish. Every bee will sacrifice its life to protect the group. Bees were created so that their first sting will kill them. Even so, they will not hesitate to sting anything they think threatens their group.

The human organism is quite similar. We honor with funerals those who sacrifice themselves, whether all at once, or a little at a time. We gather as if to tell ourselves, "This one has died but the whole will live on." In the end someone will say, "It was a lovely funeral." That will be the end of a life.

We will depart and eventually we will forget them. The group will go on because one part cannot force us to forget about the good of the whole. Grief and love will depart and humanity will go on.

This lesson God teaches us through funerals, "Death is a necessary part of life. Life would not exist without death."

For the human organism to survive, some of its parts must die. If birth is a miracle then death must be more so. Thus, old age is a miracle. Thus, wars and great famines must exist and are Gods greatest gifts to us.

God created humanity to be more than the sum of its parts. The individual cannot be more important than the whole. Therefore, why should God care about my misery at my mother's death? She is but one person out of billions. God must consider the whole. When you live next to the cemetery, you cannot weep for everyone.

In truth, humanity is more like a tiny lichen clinging to a rock in the artic wasteland. A tiny lichen, living for hundreds of years hardly, if ever, growing and never changing. A lichen that does nothing, achieves nothing, is worthless. It simply clings to a rock surviving just to survive. Humanity is like that lichen, pointless but with an overwhelming need to survive.

Today the human lichen is changing, but it is still worthless. We are becoming more and more selfish. We hoard assumed happiness for ourselves. Someday this selfishness will destroy our entire worthless race.

If God, or anyone, notices He might say, "A pity; they were such a good and loving invention. Nevertheless, it was a lovely funeral."

Chapter 40: Farewell

I try to force myself not to cry. Everyone keeps telling me, "You have been so brave."

I am tired of being brave. I am not brave, I am just afraid to be weak.

We take our seats. As the ritual inches along, I stare at the gravestones around me.

Two in particular catch my eye. The first says, "Credo certe ne cras(I believe with certainty that there is no tomorrow). The other says, "Hic locus est ubi mors gaudet succurrere vitae."(This is the place where death rejoices to teach those who live.)

It is time for the benediction. Jacob, somehow, has convinced my father to allow him to do the ceremony. Although he never knew my mother, for some reason it seemed right.

"Lord, we come with sorrow in our hearts. You have taken a wonderful and good woman from us. You tell us, "Blessed are they who mourn; for they will be comforted."

"But what can comfort us at such a time Lord? Nothing, except Your gift of faith. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see. Without faith we count down the days to death, with it we count up the days until happiness."

"Give us faith that You now comfort this blessed woman in heaven. For You in Your wisdom have decided she has finished her appointed tasks on earth. She is gone, but she will live on with us. We live in deeds not years, in thoughts not days. In the end it is not the years in your life that count but the life in your years. This just woman, though she died early, shall be at rest, for the age that is honorable comes not with the passing of time nor can it be measured in years."

"Let us now pray together."

All bowed their heads and prayed, "We beseech thee O Lord, according to Thy loving kindness, have mercy upon the soul of Thy handmaiden, and now that she is set free from the defilements of the mortal flesh, restore her to her heritage of everlasting salvation. Eternal rest, grant unto her, O Lord and let perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace."

Jacob concluded his prayer. I had most need of blessing, but "Amen" stuck in my throat.

It was time for others to speak. Jacob motioned me forward with his eyes. I faced the crowd and swallowed three times quickly.

"All I am and hope to be, I owe to my angel mother. I know that those we love never truly die. I know she is in heaven and will always remain with us. The only truly dead are those who have been forgotten. We will never forget you. Therefore, we all mourn greatly, but not as one without hope. Godspeed Ma."

Chapter 41: Grief

Finally, the funeral was over. The spokesperson said, "The service has ended you are free to go." With these ridiculous words, everyone began to depart.

I wandered off, alone, away from the street. I had not cried and I felt the tears pressing against my eyes. A few slipped down my cheeks unbidden. I wanted the release only tears can bring. I cannot stand the sight of people, I just want to die and it's really hard to live this way. I cannot bear to have someone see me cry.

I walked quickly down the hill. Eventually a small stream at the edge of the graveyard prevented me from going further. A small sign marked the place as the "Leman River."

By the waves of the Leman, I sat down and wept. Suffering overwhelmed me like a weeping child. Even though no one was near, I made no noise. I held my head in my hands and silently let my tears fall into the river.

The river was not clean, as it should be, when keeping corpses company. It bears empty bottles, napkins, condoms, cardboard boxes, cigarettes, and other testimony of summer nights. The river holds the cast off garbage of our lives the way the graveyard holds the garbage of our souls.

I heard footsteps behind me. I was afraid to turn around. I tried, unsuccessfully, to wipe away my tears. My eyes were forced to look through constant crying.

I had assumed it would be Jacob, but Mary was standing there. I tried to hide my face.

She sat down beside me and put her head on my shoulder. Without a word, she began to cry. With this, she showed she understood I wanted no empty words like, "I'm sorry."

"Thank you," I said.

She smiled through her tears.

Mary's smile taught me a lesson I should have learned a long time ago. I think I know now why people die; it is so the rest of us can realize how precious life really is. Without grief, happiness could not be so great. Sorrows come to stretch the dark spaces in the heart for joy.

Nothing in this world is absolute. In every sadness, there is a seed of joy. For every joy, there is a price to be paid. When you look at something you believe is perfect, you will never see its flaws. When you look at something you believe is flawed, you will never see its perfection. Death tells us that our time in this world, although filled with suffering, is beautiful. Life is never perfect because all things are imperfect. We achieve perfection only by recognizing our flaws and fighting to overcome them. Therefore, no smile is more beautiful than one that struggles through tears.

Chapter 42: Repentance

When we had both taken our fill of crying, we returned. We walked past my mother's grave. "Goodbye, Mom, I love you," I whispered and I hope somewhere she heard me.

Everyone was waiting for us. I could tell they all were wondering whether I was going to continue my journey with them. I had already decided to continue. I felt my mother would not want me to quit. Besides, I had even less to go back to now.

Simon broke off from the group and came to meet us. He intuitively knew that I did not want to talk about my mother or my grief. "Don't worry about anything," he said, "you don't have to decide right now."

"Thank you, Simon," I said, "but I'm not leaving you. I belong here." At this, Simon and Mary exchanged quick smiles. "Right now I just want to forget all about this."

Mary looked perplexed but Simon nodded his head, "I think that's a great idea, let's go out and have some fun."

"Simon are you insane," Mary said and Simon's smile disappeared.

"No, that's just what I need," I said surprising both of them.

"I'll never understand you two," Mary said shaking her head, "you show him a good time Simon but don't let him get into any trouble."

"Don't worry," Simon said, "we'll repent for our sins later. But now, we sin, since sinning is the best part of repentance. Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless?"

We spent all night rotating through the five clubs in the city. I was happy. I felt like I was receiving a small taste of the social life I missed out on in college. Finally, I got to have fun.

The whole night was a blur. Those of you who are normal probably would think it boring, but for me it was incredible. I finally experienced the empty existence that my generation calls living. We drink, party, and say we had fun. That is all.

With such empty happiness, my generation defines itself. We have no purpose or place. We are nothing but a shadow without a sun. Our souls are Styrofoam enclosing nothing. We cannot hope for long-term happiness, we must take what we can get, no matter how limited, no matter how high the cost. Our bleak lives are justified only by the powerful attempts we make to destroy ourselves. We drink. We party. We try to forget.

Our lives move too fast and we expect too much. We don't have time for everything. We don't have seasons enough to have a season for every purpose. We need to love and hate with the same heart, laugh and cry with the same eyes, torture ourselves to end our torture, and steal all we can from selfish life. We must live for death and die to live. We drink and party until we are unconscious. Then we forget. We say we had fun, but moments that should last forever slide unconsciously by like water. We have the experience, but we miss the meaning. That is all.

I think I lived more in that one night then I had in my life. All the years behind seemed a waste of breath, but all the years ahead full of limitless possibilities. I told myself "From now on, I will embrace life like this every day. Never again will I let something go unexperienced because of my fear."

Chapter 43: Chance

I stayed in bed until noon. I would have slept all day if Mary hadn't come.

"Rise and shine," she said cheerfully pulling my blankets off. Her loud words crashed upon me as if an engine had been started under my skull, but I gladly endured the pain. "Did you have fun?"

"Yeah."

"I'm glad," she said. Then a serious look came over her, "Have you seen Simon?"

"No, the last time I saw him was about 3 last night. I rode back with John. Why?"

She shrugged, "I can't find him anywhere, I'm worried."

"I'm sure he's fine," I said rolling over, "but I'll help you look for him."

"Thanks," she chirped and ran out of the bus.

I asked around, no one had seen Simon. Now I began to get worried. I convinced John to drive the bus around so we could look for him. We checked all the clubs and then drove around aimlessly until we became frustrated.

When we returned, Simon was back. He was sitting by the fire with his head in his hands.

"What happened," I asked Joel.

"You should have seen it," Joel whispered, "Mary really let him have it."

"For what?"

"Simon didn't come back last night because he met a woman at one of the clubs."

"Really," I tried to say but Joel was talking so fast he doesn't even hear me, "Aurora told Mary she had seen Simon with someone at the bar and Mary stalked off all angry. When Simon cam back, he knew she knew, so he admitted it right away."

"Is Mary okay?"

"I don't know, she kind of yelled at him, but she didn't look mad; she looked hurt and misunderstood. Heaven has no rage like love turned to hatred."

I ran to where I knew Jacob would be. He saw me coming and waived his hand, "I've heard, and yes she had been here, and no she isn't here anymore."

"What should I do?"

"That depends."

"Is that all you are going to say? I love her. This could be the beginning of everything. This may be my only chance to make her understand I am better for her than Simon. Should I take it or will that hurt her too much? Give me some kind of advice."

He looked at me solemnly, "We choose to love, we do not choose to stop loving."

"Does that mean I should tell her or not? I can't think, I can't rely on myself."

He stared at me, "Amor sinistra ut ante dextra sternuit approbationem."

"What? What does that mean?"

"No one knows," he said, "but it is the only answer I can give you."

"Never mind," I said, "I will decide when I find her."

Chapter 44: Sunset

I find her sitting in pained silence watching the sunset. She senses my presence and turns around. Her eyes are red but her tears have passed.

"I knew you would come," she says.

Her voice is slick with the taint of bitter sarcasm. Nevertheless, I go and sit next to her.

We do not touch. As much as I want to hold her, I am afraid because I do not know her desires.

"Don't you think it's rather funny, I should be in this position? I just don't understand how he could do this," she says. "I love him so much, didn't he love me?"

"I believe he loved you," I say.

"How can that be," she says, "love is not supposed to change, otherwise it cannot be love. To know a thing well, you must know its limits. Only when pushed beyond its tolerances will its true nature be seen."

I am silent.

"What's wrong with me," she says, "maybe I don't deserve to be loved."

"Yes you do," I say taking her hand, "you are a wonderful person."

"No, I'm not," she says snatching her hand away and turning from me, "I'm worthless."

I wait.

She looks at me again, now fighting tears, "Tell me one good thing about myself." "You are the most beautiful woman in the world," I say.

She laughs, "Maybe to someone like you." She brushes back her tangled hair, "Am I beautiful now? What about 20 years from now? Beauty is a short lived tyranny, and it rules women most of all. Those most beautiful in youth are the ugliest when age has pressed them down. Now the beauty hides the ugliness within, but soon the ugliness will break out and destroy my beauty."

"I wasn't talking about how you look," I say, "You are a kind, beautiful person on the inside."

Now she comes to me and places her head on my shoulder, "What fools we are to let love destroy our lives. We try to protect ourselves but to love at all is to be vulnerable." "Is that a bad thing?" I say. "Yes," she says, "they ought to find out how to vaccinate for love for it is the worst disease on earth." "I know," I say, "but it is also the greatest cure. You cannot separate pain and love. They need each other."

We sit, grown quiet at the name of love. We watch the last embers of daylight die. Thus departs the glory of the world leaving us in darkness. She gently throws her arms around my neck. My heart is hot within me and the sunset seems to whisper, "Remember tonight...for it is the beginning of always." "Tomorrow," I think, "do your worst, for I have lived today." She leans towards me and we kiss.

I cannot describe bliss. The best cannot be explained in words.

Chapter 45: Sunrise

It is the morning of our love. We had fallen asleep holding each other against the cold of the night. We are together as one; our arms wrapped tightly, our legs entangled. One body, one heart, one soul. I am no longer only myself. I am no longer alone. In this package of minutes there is this we. Together we are whole. How beautiful.

I awake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving. The rose of morning blooms in the East. Sadly, sadly, the sun begins to rise. I say sadly because its light seems dim against the brilliance within me. Even now, dark clouds threaten to overwhelm the meager light. But forth one wavelet, then another curls till the whole sunrise, not to be suppressed rises, reddens, grows gold, then overflows the world.

God must have loved the silence, for he laid a stillness on the sunset and the dawn. God, I think, is best at creating in the morning. I can hear a butterfly stirring in the tiny soul of a caterpillar.

Within this silence, my life is changing. Today new born from all of my yesterdays lies in my cupped hand. Everything is perfect. At this second, my life is the thing we long for, that we are for one transcendent moment, before the present, poor and bare can make its sneering comment.

This is what I've been looking for.

Mary awoke and all beauty faded next to hers. The world ceased to exist, in the second her eyes met mine. She was all I could see. Love all love of other sight controls. For lovers, love is the whole world.

Then comes the compromise, bodies resume their boundaries. I became myself again. "We must return to the others," she said.

If you have tears, friends, prepare to shed them now. We left our place of happiness. She said nothing. Three words remain unheard. I felt this was important in some way, but I tried to block it out. I have learned that the greatest evil is to know the truth before it is the truth.

We found the others. She sees Simon and hesitates. "Mary," he shouts, "I was so worried." He goes to her, "I am so sorry," he says, taking her hand. "It doesn't matter," she says staring into his eyes. "I love you," he says as they embrace. "I love you too," she says as they kiss.

How bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes. I cannot do anything. I am invisible because she refuses to see me. For lovers, love is the whole world.

Chapter 46: Dusk

Nothing is changed, except there was a moment when I believed my life could change. When I imagined someone could love me. Such empty hope is now gone.

Every look she gives me says, "Don't ask me for the same love. I am yesterday, I am gone from you forever."

Life goes not backwards, nor tarries with yesterday. Summer sang in me a little while, but sings no more. Stay broken and slain my spirit, do not look to dead hopes for salvation.

Therefore, dear Father, I want to thank you for the great joy I experienced today.

Chapter 47: Insanity

Mary. Canım. Aşkım. Güneşim. Meleğim. Nefissin. Senin sevgin olmadan yaşayamam. Aşkın olmadan mutlu olamam. Seni her zaman seveceğim.

(My Sweetheart, My Love, My sun, My angel. You are so heavenly. I can't live without your love. There's no happiness without your love. I will always love you.)

Chapter 48: Killer

"I need to talk to you," Simon said.

For a week I had waited for this, dreaded this. For a week, we avoided each other, but it was unavoidable now.

We walked away from the others, but we were really fleeing Mary. Both of us were afraid of her-perhaps needlessly.

After we stopped, I kept silent and waited for him to speak.

"I just want to know what happened. You know between you and Mary."

"Why don't you ask her?"

"I tried. She won't tell me. I think she wants me to assume the worst."

"So you want to know if she betrayed you like you betrayed her?"

Simon looked hurt, "That was different. I didn't love that other girl."

"Well, Mary doesn't love me either."

"I'm not so sure. Anyway, I know you love her. Please, tell me what happened."

"Nothing happened. We just kissed. Then we fell asleep. That is all."

Simon was relieved. "Thank you. I don't know why but this is difficult for me."

"What?"

"Being in love with her. I've never been in love with anyone before. Every day she brings me something new."

"So you are in love with her?"

"Maybe, I don't know. Yes, I think, at least for now. But I'm tired, tired and frustrated because I don't know if my love is real. If it was I would let her go."

"Why?"

"She would be happier with you. You would be better for her than me."

"Why do you say that?"

Simon rubbed his eyes, "Have you ever killed anyone?"

"No, why have you?"

"Not directly, but yes. People seem to die around me. Not like physically dead."

"I understand, I was dead before Jacob found me."

"Me too, but I'm still afraid I'll kill others. I try not to but it just seems to happen. It's not my fault. You understand."

"Not really."

"I'm afraid I'll kill her by accident. If my love ends then she'll die. I want my love to last forever, but I just don't see that happening. Is it possible to love someone forever? I think my current record is about three months."

"It is possible. Real love stories don't have endings."

"Thank you. You are my only real friend. I'm sorry I already killed you."

"It isn't your fault."

Chapter 49: Arrival

To Carthage then I came. Carthage, Rome, Babylon. This evil city has three names. We had arrived. Our journey ended.

On the surface, Carthage seemed like a moral city. People appeared affluent, kind, and well dressed. There was very little crime and almost everyone attended a church.

A sweet city, bleak, God knows, but sweet, sometimes. The streets were clean and great buildings scraped the sky with their arrogant tops. Although recently built, these buildings gave off a sense of ancient wisdom. One building surpassed all the rest in beauty and terror, sending out a shining signal that religion ruled this city. For a great religion had its base and held sway in Carthage.

On the surface, Carthage and its people were beautiful. Underneath, where reality dwells, the city was venerated only for its ugliness.

The people of Carthage are great hypocrites. All people, of course, are hypocrites but those in Carthage are the true masters. They say they are very moral, but they fear the world. They fear life and living. Above all, they fear temptation and the real moral struggles within. Therefore, they outlaw all things that might cause them to fall into sin.

One who is never tempted cannot be moral. The easier it is to fall into sin, the more praiseworthy is the person who avoids it. If sin itself is outlawed, or difficult to find, no one can be moral. Unless we can choose between good and evil, we can never be good.

The people of Carthage avoid evil by outlawing it. The Church of Carthage fears the dangers of freewill and thereby loses the needed benefits of freewill.

This is especially damaging to the children of Carthage who never have a chance to bring good out of evil. By shutting off temptation, the people of Carthage sacrifice their children.

The Carthaginian Church is the cause of this evil, because it controls the people. The Church decrees the laws and punishes, usually through shame, the lawbreakers. Under the guise of religion, the rapacious church takes in millions of dollars a year, not through donations, but by running the secular institutions of the city even down to the TV stations. In this way, the Church effects full control over the citizens' lives, believer and nonbeliever alike. Blinded by the hope of advancing its spiritual interests, the church has entangled itself with the responsibilities of temporal power. The world drags it into sin. To compensate for this, the Church is often forced to change even its most basic beliefs in order to pretend that it is not what it really is.

We have come to save this city, and with it the world, even if we have to destroy it. Carthage is evil but it must be saved.

Chapter 50: Love

As soon as we arrived, Jacob began to preach, "We all know God should be worshipped in faith, hope, and love. Only through these three things can we understand God and His plan for each of us."

"Love is, by far, the greatest. We cannot know God through faith and hope if love is absent. When we ask whether someone is a good man, we are not asking what he believes, or hopes, but what he loves. Look deep within yourself and recognize what brings life and grace into your heart. Love. You must share this love with everyone. You are loved by God. This is an inspiration to love."

"True faith can come only from love. It is the heart which perceives God, not the reason. That is what faith is. Therefore, faith is love and love is faith."

"Hope cannot exist without love. Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust. Love, like hope, still stands when all else has fallen. Thus, love is hope and hope, love."

"Without love, faith and hope are useless. He who does not love believes in vain, even if what he believes is true; he hopes in vain, even if what he hopes for is generally agreed to pertain to true happiness, unless he believes and hopes for this: that he may through prayer obtain the gift of love. For, although it is true that he cannot hope without love, it may be that there is something without which, if he does not love it, he cannot realize the object of his hopes."

"Love has destroyed the world, only love can rebuild it. Selfish love, not hate, is the enemy of true love. We must learn to love our neighbor rather than ourselves. The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult and left untried. Let us try it. Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love."

"I know some of you are afraid and, I admit, there will be pain. Have faith and cherish hope. You never lose by loving, you only lose by holding back. Remember, it is better to break one's heart than to do nothing with it."

Chapter 51: Roads

One day, while Jacob was preaching, a group of Carthaginian priests began to question him. They were afraid because Jacob was making many converts and they needed to turn the people against him.

"You speak," one of the priests said, "only in general terms. Do you believe it is necessary for a person to belong to a particular religion or group to attain salvation? If not, are all groups the same?"

The priests raised this question because almost all the listeners were followers of Carthaginian Christianity, which held no one could obtain salvation without following the strict code of the Carthaginian Church. The priests hoped Jacob's answer would turn the people against him.

Jacob was prepared to answer this question, "You believe in freewill do you not?"

"Of course," the priests answered.

"God's gift of freewill is not limited, for God is a cheerful giver. He does not force us to choose between 'Yes or No,' but gives us many avenues to seek salvation because He wants all of us to come to Him."

"What do you mean?" one priest asked.

"God has given us charge over our own souls. He allows us to work out our own salvation. He does not require us to seek salvation by only one path. In this world, there are many different roads that all lead to the same destination. There are many paths to the top of the mountain, but the view is always the same. Heaven too, is a palace with many doors, and each may enter in his own way."

"Any path is as good as another?" the priests growled.

"God wants us all to find Him but He doesn't care how. A man is allowed to follow the road he wishes to pursue. All roads that lead to God are good."

The priests frowned, "Do our scriptures not say we may be saved only through Jesus?"

"Do the scriptures not also say, "My house shall be called a house of prayer for all peoples? Have we not all one father? Has not one God created us?"

"Yes," the people cheered.

"God has created many religions to bring us to him. All of them are ordained of God and are a reflection of his will and purpose. The Lord our God is one. So what of all these titles, names, and words? They are mere worldly conventions."

"We disagree," the priests said, "only through the Carthaginian Church may salvation be attained."

"No, God would not be so cruel. Life is not a multiple-choice test; it is more like an essay. Those who praise only their own doctrines and disparage the doctrines of others do not solve any problem. If you must have a sect, let mankind be your sect, for we are all members of one and other."

The people cheered and the priests left in anger.

Chapter 52: Rain

"We have been speaking of the true religion. Please consider this story which was first written by Rosa Marinoni."

A small girl was sitting at her mother's bedside. Her mother was dying and the girl was afraid.

"Mommy," she said, "what will I do when you die?"

The mother began to cry, "Pray to God and find your people. They will take care of you."

"But who am I, and who are my people?" the girl asked.

"Your people are beautiful like the night and ugly like the sun."

"Where are my people?" the girl asked.

The mother did not respond for she was already dead.

The girl followed her mother's instructions and sought her people. She first went to other members of her family.

"Are you my people?" she asked.

"No," the family told her, "we are too poor to take you in."

Next, the girl went to a place where they spoke her language.

"Are you my people?" she asked.

Although the people understood her, they pretended not to hear.

Finally, she went to her church.

"Are you my people?" she asked the worshippers.

All felt sorry for the girl. They prayed for her, but none would answer their prayers.

She left the church and traveled out into the pouring rain. On a street corner, she met an old man who was not of her family, who did not speak her language, and who did not follow her religion.

He offered her the protection of his tattered umbrella.

Then she knew.

Chapter 53: Miracles

One day, while Jacob was preaching, a great fight broke out among the crowd. Some began to proclaim him as the Messiah. Others shouted them down arguing Jacob could not be the Messiah because he had never performed a miracle.

Taking advantage of the situation, some non-believers and priests questioned Jacob, "Listen to what they are saying. Perform a miracle for us and we will all believe you are the Messiah."

"You want me to perform a miracle," Jacob asked the crowd.

"Yes," the crowd shouted and many crippled people came forth begging Jacob to heal them. One man, who had lost his arms in a war, ascended to Jacob, dropped to the ground, and kissed his feet.

"Heal me Lord," he said, "I do not deserve this misery."

Jacob placed his hands on the man's head, "Your sins are forgiven."

Everyone waited, but nothing happened.

"You see," a priest crowed, "he cannot perform miracles."

"Yes, I can," Jacob said, "which is easier to say, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or 'Pick up your mat and walk."

"Anyone can say empty words," the armless man said, "let us see some proof of your divinity."

"No."

"He can't," the priest said again in delight.

"I can," Jacob said, "but I refuse."

"Why?" someone from the crowd shouted.

"If I could not perform miracles, I would have no power from God. Therefore, I say that I can perform any type of miracle. I could even raise the dead from their graves."

"Let us see it," someone called out.

Jacob ignored him. "I refuse because if I did perform a miracle there would be no reason for faith. You would know what I was, but you would not have faith. Even when Christ and the others performed miracles, not everyone had faith. I perform no miracles so that your faith may be strong. Besides, who makes much of a miracle? I know of nothing else but miracles."

Because of these words and Jacob's refusal, many ceased to believe.

Chapter 54: Understanding

The next day, Jacob again taught about miracles.

"Yesterday," Jacob said, "I told you why I refuse to perform what you term 'miracles.' Since some of you still don't understand, I need to teach you through stories."

"Consider this story," Jacob said.

There once lived a man named Yugong. For most of his life, he was very blessed. He had a loving wife, happy children, and many friends.

His happiness changed to sadness when a great storm knocked down his house killing his wife and children. In his time of great need, his friends refused to help him because they believed God had cursed him.

Already dying of misery, Yugong decided to kill himself. He went on a journey to the ocean. His wife had loved the ocean, and he wanted to see it once more before he died.

Yugong climbed a tree to hang himself. He saw something yellow hanging in the tree that he did not recognize. "What is this?" he asked himself aloud.

"That is a banana," a voice floated up from below, "it is a delicious fruit. Just peel off the skin and eat it."

Yugong decided to trust the voice. What did he have to lose? He peeled off the skin, dropped it to the ground, and ate the banana. It was delicious yet strange.

After eating the banana, Yugong heard a sound. He looked down and saw a man with no legs crawling across the beach. The crippled man ate the banana skin happily.

"What a pitiful creature," Yugong said, "what a horrible world."

In despair, he leapt from the tree and killed himself.

"Consider also this story, "Jacob said.

There was a zookeeper in charge of four monkeys.

"I will make a deal with you," he told the monkeys, "I will give you three bananas now and four more bananas this afternoon."

This made the monkeys very upset. They began to scream and jump up and down.

"Wait," the zookeeper said, "I will give you four bananas now and three later."

Two of the monkeys were pleased but the other two still screamed and screamed.

"Fine," the zookeeper said, "you may have all seven bananas now."

Chapter 55: Learning

A group of unbelievers came to challenge Jacob. This discussion would hurt him more than any of his teachings.

"You say everyone goes to Heaven?"

"Yes."

"And the point of life in this world is to seek happiness?"

"Yes."

"But if we are all happy in Heaven, then why does God put us on this earth? If God made the Earth, then why do we want to go to Heaven? If we are not happy in Heaven then why does God allow us to die?"

"Both Heaven and earth are necessary for our happiness. Let me explain. Do you agree only God can have freewill in Heaven?"

"Yes."

"When God created us, we wanted to be like God. We wanted to have free choice like God. This was the forbidden fruit in Heaven, because free choice in Heaven could lead to evil which would destroy the perfection of Heaven."

"If Heaven is perfect, why would we be unhappy?"

"We were fools. We wanted more than perfection. We chaffed at our inability to choose. We disliked being forced to always choose the good. We did not want evil, but the ability to choose. We did not realize our weakness would lead us to sometimes choose evil."

"I don't understand how perfect beings could be upset."

"Consider yourself. Are you not alive? You prefer this life, although the life to come is better and more enduring. Obviously you prefer this life, or you would kill yourself."

"Then what does our time on this earth achieve?"

"We come here to learn what it is like to have freewill. We use our time in this world to learn the truth. God, our savior, desires all of us to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. In this world, we learn that choosing evil leads to unhappiness and choosing good leads to happiness. Practice is the best of all instructors."

"What about those who do not learn?"

"God changes not what is in a people until they change what is in themselves. If they do not learn on Earth, they will learn after death or they will come again to complete their education. Experience is the best teacher."

"And what is this truth?"

"We learn choosing evil leads to misery. Therefore, we will always choose the good. God may then give us freewill in Heaven because we will always choose to do the good. God will no longer have to force us to do the good. He can set us free. When you learn the truth, the truth will make you free. You will have free choice and Heaven will remain perfect."

Chapter 56: News

After a few days in Carthage, I began to doubt whether Jacob really was the Messiah. I had heard whispers of his previous life in Carthage, but I refused to listen. Then, as I walked the streets of Carthage at night, trying to clear my head, a Carthaginian priest told me everything and shook my faith.

"Come here," the priest ordered.

"I have nothing to say to you," I said.

"I want to help you, I want to tell you of Jacob's previous time in Carthage. Do you want to hear or are you afraid of the truth?"

"I will listen; I do not fear the truth."

"Did you know Jacob was a priest in the Carthaginian Church?"

"No."

"Ah, you know less than nothing because if you knew nothing, that would be something, but you don't. No wonder you follow him. Yes, he was a priest. He was very popular as he was a powerful preacher. He was called the 'star of the preachers.' He converted many people to the faith. In fact, he was almost appointed to be the priest of one of the greatest Churches in all of the City. This honor was the cause of his downfall."

"What happened?"

"The leaders of the Church felt Jacob was too young. They gave the appointment to another priest. Jacob was very distraught, but he could do nothing against the Church. Nothing, that is except preach. He began to preach that some of the doctrines of the Church were wrong."

"What did they do?"

"The leaders of the Church fired him from his position because of his heresy. This made him homeless and penniless because the Church owns the wealth of all the priests. Soon after he began calling himself the Messiah and left the City to gather followers."

"So what?"

"Don't you understand? He is a fraud. All he wants is his position back in the Church. Even now he is negotiating with the Church saying he will stop preaching his heresy if they will give him back his position."

"You lie."

"Believe what you want. However, I must warn you, he is using you. He is using you and the others as examples, preaching about your sins and proclaiming that his teachings have turned you from your evil ways. Yesterday he gave a sermon about how he turned the girl from a life of prostitution."

"That's ridiculous, Aurora was never a prostitute."

"That is what he said, whether it is true or not. He also said the leader of his disciples was a drug dealer, one was a homosexual, another was a child molester, another was a murderer and so on. He sets you all up as examples."

"None of that is true," I said, but I did not believe my hollow words.

Chapter 57: New

"Many of you are afraid," Jacob said, "of what you call my 'new' teachings. You are afraid because you think they are different from what you believe."

Many in the crowd nodded, for there had been much discussion of this.

"The wise man does not follow established laws, but only the law of virtue. Much of what you have learned is not the truth. Man must pass from old to new, from mistake to fact, from what once seemed good to what now proves best."

"Are you saying our religion is false," a woman in the crowd asked.

"No, not all of it, "Jacob said, "much of what you have learned is true, but some of it is false. However, some of what you believe was made by men, not by God. That part, the false teachings, you must leave behind. Old ties must give way to new ones. Nevertheless, your religion will continue after you have made the necessary changes."

"How do we know what is true and what is false?" someone asked.

"You can learn nothing except by going from the known to the unknown. You must investigate all of your beliefs beginning with the most basic. Then you must determine what comes from God and what from men. To create a sound one must first destroy the silence that was there before. To find the truth, one must first discover all which is not the truth."

"We are afraid," the people said, "for we have had faith in these things our entire lives."

"Be not afraid. Someone who says nothing new and frightens no one has never changed the world. Trust in me. I will not lead you astray. I promise you I cannot destroy the truth. Truth never dies. Everything changes, nothing perishes."

Chapter 58: Darkness

I began to lose faith. I needed to talk to Jacob alone, but he was never alone. He spent all day preaching to great crowds. At night, followers still crowded around him as he traveled the city ministering to the poor and disabused.

Every day, he spent less and less time with the disciples. He sent us out to other areas of the city to preach. We thought he trusted us to preach the word for him, but now I wondered whether he wanted to talk behind our backs. At night, he was always too busy to see us.

Through persistence, I finally got Jacob alone. "Do you have time to talk with me?"

"I always have time for my disciples. What troubles you?"

"I've heard things, things that make me question my faith in you. I need answers. Stop talking in riddles, stop keeping me in the dark about what is really going on."

"You have become like all the others. You beg me to speak plainly, even though I have already clearly told you everything. You don't want to hear me. Nobody is listening. They stand in their shadows and wonder why it is dark. It makes all the difference whether one sees the darkness through the light or brightness through the shadows. Darkness is to you light and light darkness."

"You say you have spoken clearly, but I still do not understand. I need to understand. I need an answer. Tell me everything you know. Tell me who you are."

"God forbids it. He does not allow me to reveal all. The world is not yet ready. God's knowledge is filled with necessary darkness. That divine Darkness is the unapproachable light in which God dwells. Into this Darkness, rendered invisible by its own excessive brilliance and unapproachable by the intensity of its transcendent flood of light, come all those who are worthy to know and to see God. Our duty is to exist within the dark, the light, and all that is. Find the darkness within the darkness. That is the gateway to all understanding."

"You lie. You cannot speak clearly because you know nothing. I know you now. I know what you have done. If you cannot prove to me you are what you seem to be, I will leave."

"I will not prove myself. Why do you not understand what I am saying? Because you cannot bear to hear my word. You will do what you must. I ask only that you go home now and think on what I have said. Sleep, fold yourself into the peaceful darkness and find comfort in those gentle words...good night. When you awake, you may understand."

Chapter 59: Meeting

I couldn't keep Jacob's secret. I told all the other disciples how he preached about us. How he was telling lies about us. No one was pleased. Several seemed afraid. Nevertheless, we refused to abandon Jacob, not yet anyway. In truth, we refused to make a decision. We just let things go on until their inevitable conclusion.

Chapter 60: Counsel

Now I must relate an event I did not witness. I wish I could limit this story to those things I myself experienced, but that is impossible. Please accept this for what it is, and don't make of it what it isn't. I must tell you the whole story, and this is an important part. Remember, I tell only what I have been told. If this is not really what happened it is not my fault.

Nevertheless, I believe the report of the one who was there. I believe it, because he is a believer and because his account of the meeting is similar to counsels throughout history when the powerful gather to destroy a weak person whom they fear greatly. He who has seen has testified, and his testimony is true; and he knows that he is telling the truth, so that you may also believe.

Three men gathered to take counsel against Jacob. They were powerful men and they represented many thousands or millions who believed the same things. Three men for a three-tiered city. The highest ranking, and possibly least powerful, was the mayor of Carthage. With him came the lead prosecutor of the city, Joseph Karamazov. He knew he would have to do the unclean work of the other two. These two represented the secular power of the city.

However, the secular powers of Carthage did not breathe without the acquiescence of the religious power. Therefore, the leader of the Carthaginian Church, Enoch, had come to tell the secular leaders what to do. His power was much greater than theirs, but do not think they should avoid all blame.

Enoch opened the meeting, "You know why we are here. We have been sitting on the fence for far too long. This problem has begun to fester and grow. We are all in danger."

"I agree," the mayor said, "Jacob's preaching has gotten out of hand. Everyday hundreds gather on the streets to see him. The city is hemorrhaging money because of police protection and traffic jams."

"Why does he need police protection? Do they come to hear him preach or to protest him?" Joseph asked.

"Some come to listen, others come to protest. Many switch sides by the end of the day. Most people are just upset about the traffic jams."

"Enough," Enoch said, "We came here to make a decision not complain."

"Fine," the mayor said, "what do you want to do about this Jesus-mania?

"Don't make jokes about this," Enoch said, "this is a dangerous situation. Thank God the solution is simple. All we have to do is eliminate Jacob and this heresy will end. I will strike the shepherd and the sheep will be dispersed."

"We should be able to lock him up for something," the mayor said, "He must have violated some law. Surely we at least have a law against public use of the streets."

Joseph, wanted to say something, for he had heard Jacob preach and had begun to believe. He challenged the others, "Of course we could find some law to persecute him, but are you sure that is the best option. Does our law condemn a person before it first hears him and finds out what he is doing? Do you not believe the Bible's saying that 'If this is from God it will remain but if it is not then it will die of its own accord?'"

"I believe in the Bible," Enoch said, "but evil does not always go away of its own accord. Evil will always triumph if good men do nothing. Surely, you do not believe this man is the Messiah. He is like all those demagogues who have come before. He is a false prophet and he is dangerous. He has created an illusion and the illusion has become real. The more real the illusion becomes, the more desperately his followers want it. If we let this continue, someone will end up dying."

Enoch shook his head, "The Messiah would not reveal himself in the form of such a worthless man. Besides, listen to what he preaches. His words show him as a false prophet who goes against all the truths and traditions of Christianity."

The mayor, in a moment of insanity, said to him, "What is truth? How can we be sure this man is not the Messiah. Not that I believe he is, but shouldn't we be careful? We don't want to look like the bad guys here and I don't want to make a huge mistake."

Now the old man's eyes glowed with fury, "What are you afraid of? That this fool is really the Messiah or that you will lose your next election. If he is the Messiah, God has lied to us because he does not fit any of the prophecies. If he is the Messiah, God has made a mistake by not revealing him to me and all the other righteous people who truly believe. God does not make mistakes and therefore, this man cannot be the Messiah."

He took a breath and said in a softer voice, "You will do something about this or you will lose your next election."

The mayor said, "I will do something about him. I just don't want any crazy people to blame me. I'm the one in danger if this blows up."

Joseph shook his head, "No matter what happens none of us will be blamed for this. Someone else will be responsible. We will run his conviction through all the levels of government. If something goes wrong, we will have insulated ourselves from blame by creating enough scapegoats between us and him. Besides, voters especially have short memories. On the other hand, if all of this goes well, as I expect, we will be able to set ourselves up as the creators and heroes of the policy."

The old man rubbed his hands together, "Good, now attorney, what is the worst crime we can convict him of."

Joseph wanted to protest, but he had to do his job, "There is one law I think might work. Just last year we passed a law to protect people from 'cults.' We can prosecute him under that law. All we have to prove is that he brainwashed his followers."

"Excellent," Enoch said.

So these men gathered to destroy Jacob. Not because they wanted to or believed it was necessary, but because the need for this action had been set into motion long ago. No Church could turn from its founding principles just because the truth appeared. No secular leader could change from the beliefs, which elevated him to office. No man of high station could risk losing his job by standing up to those who were more powerful, especially when such a sacrifice would accomplish nothing.

None of them were responsible. All of them were caught up in something larger than themselves.

Chapter 61: Confrontation

Something important was about to happen. We could all feel it. More and more people flocked to see us every day. Many returned the next day. Many were beginning to believe. Something important was about to happen.

We decided to confront Jacob about the stories we had heard. I, at least, had begun to lose faith. From what I observed, the faith of the others was waning as well.

Simon was our spokesperson. "Jacob we need to talk. We need to know what's going on. We've heard stories about you."

"What do you mean?"

"We heard that you were kicked out of the Carthaginian priesthood because you were angry you didn't get an appointment."

"That is a lie," Jacob said, "the leaders kicked me out because of my teachings."

"Why didn't you tell us that?" John asked.

"What difference does it make?"

"It makes a difference if what I've heard is true," Phillip said.

"What have you heard?" Jacob asked.

"I heard you made a deal with the Carthaginian Church and they were going to give you an appointment to your old church."

"That's true," Jacob said, "isn't that good news."

"What did you have to promise them?"

"Nothing. I only promised I wouldn't preach in the street anymore. This doesn't change anything."

"Yes, it does," Andrew said, "we thought you were the Messiah, but you're just an ordinary man."

"Now you are going to abandon us, especially after announcing all of our sins to the world," I said.

"I'm not going to change my Gospel," Jacob said. "You must have faith in me. All is as it was before. When I told others about you, I never lied."

"Those were private matters," Mary said, "you betrayed us."

"No," Jacob said, "your lives have helped to convert many non-believers and they will help you too. I find your lack of faith disturbing. Nevertheless, I understand why you are worried. In time, you will understand. Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be helpful to you."

"Why should we continue to follow you," James asked.

"You believed in me before. I am no different now. If I have tested your faith I am sorry, but I want all of you to continue to be my disciples."

"Are you the Messiah?" Joel asked.

"I am what I am," Jacob said, "you must have faith in me."

Chapter 62: Return

Jacob was in high spirits. The "day of the return," he kept shouting. The "day of the return," we kept saying with unveiled contempt. He didn't notice, we couldn't pierce his shield of joy. He didn't care about us anymore. He had what he wanted.

Jacob was in high spirits. He should have remembered the moment of greatest happiness always comes just before the fall. I bet the builders of Babel were proud on their last day of work too.

Jacob was in high spirits. We were going to have a parade, a coronation proceeding, to the church he never abandoned. A victory march to the church he would lead again. He had what he wanted.

Jacob told us the leaders of the Carthaginian Church had promised he would get back, not his old church, but the one he had always wanted. I don't know if this was just a great delusion or whether they had lied to him. Maybe they had genuinely promised, but the situation changed. Even Jacob admitted that the appointment was not yet official.

The city had granted a permit for a parade down only one street. It was a small parade, but we made the best of it. A great multitude, or at least a tiny multitude, lined both sides of the street. Many of them were waving signs and shouting "Hosanna," "Melekh ha Olam," or "Sar Shalom."

Jacob rode in a small car with an open top. The route was so short that he should have walked, bur he had to look to precedent. Thus, he drove slowly, so slowly it was ridiculous, but no one noticed.

I have to admit, the parade was beautiful, just as all parades are beautiful. A parade is a work of art made beautiful by its transience. A work of art, not just because of the colors, but because we pour so much wasted emotion into it. We blaze brightly in the darkness if only for a little time.

Jacob's little parade was beautiful. I tried to remember it after everyone turned against us. I thought of how many people were there. How many people believed. How strong their belief was as they shouted out for him. How some laid palms before the car. How quickly belief disappeared as if it never was.

Chapter 63: Supper

We should have celebrated with a feast that night, but we had little money and no desire to celebrate. Still there was happiness. However, we did not understand the evil about to fall upon us.

Jacob insisted we all gather to eat so we took what little money we had and went to a small fast food restaurant.

After the food arrived, Jacob spoke to us in a sad voice, "Everything which I used to say could not happen, will happen now. Those who fear me will persecute me. What God wants will happen soon. I must leave you. Thus, it was written in destiny long before I was born."

"What do you mean," Joel mumbled while stuffing his mouth with fries, "you're abandoning us?"

"No, I will be taken from you against my will. Nevertheless, I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away. Children must learn to live without their father's guidance."

"When are you leaving?" I asked.

"Don't worry, little children, yet a little while I am with you. Listen, for in this short time I must finish teaching you."

We listened, halfheartedly, but we listened. I write what I remember. Maybe Jacob said other more important things I forgot or didn't hear. I write what I remember.

"Consider our world. We live in a contaminated moral environment, where even morality leads to immorality. Everyone is a hypocrite. We fell morally ill because we became used to saying something different from what we thought. We learned not to believe in anything, to ignore each other, to care only about ourselves. Now, we must reverse the course of humanity by discovering the truth and acting upon it."

"How?" Stephen asked, "So far we have done nothing or, at most, very little."

"You believe we have accomplished nothing, but we have already begun to change the world. We have planted a durable rumor of hope amid the widespread despair of a hopeless world. In time this rumor will grow and blossom."

Philip rolled his eyes.

"Consider yourselves. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you. It is your task to keep this rumor of hope alive. I believe in you and you are my friends if you do what I command you."

"How will we accomplish this without you?" Mary asked.

"Remember my teachings and follow my works. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them. For I have given you an example, that you also should do as I have done to you. I understand that the path is hard. Therefore, I ask only that you keep one commandment, Veahavta Lereacha Kamocha.(Love your neighbor as yourself)."

"What does that mean? How can we follow your commandment if we do not know what it means?" Atarah asked.

"Do not worry, you will figure it out."

"How?" Simon asked

"The same way you figure everything out, by living."

Everyone sighed. Jacob was speaking in riddles again.

"I have many things to say to you but you cannot bear to hear them now. First, I must go away to a place where you cannot follow."

"Is someone going to kill you?" Simon asked, "For I would gladly die with you."

"No, I will not completely die and I do not ask you to lay down your life for me. I ask you to do something much more difficult: Have faith. Even as I ask it, I know you will not answer. For you will all betray me and will leave me alone. Yet remember, I am not alone for my Father is with me. Even when my enemies seem triumphant remember, I have overcome the world."

Chapter 64: Garden

When Jacob finished eating, he rose from his seat. Without a word, he led us out into the darkness of the night. Silently, obediently, we followed even though we no longer believed in him, even though we no longer believed in the possibility of being able to offer our lives and die for our hopes and dreams.

Some followed out of habit. Others followed because they had nowhere else to go. The rest because they didn't know what else to do.

I don't know why I followed. Maybe because I had always been a quitter and I thought he was testing me to see if I would quit again. I did not want to quit even though I no longer believed.

After a short time we came to an area abandoned by humanity. Up and down Kidron Street, stores and buildings long ago shut by bitter greed oozed out into our empty souls.

Finally, we turned onto David Street and stopped in a parking lot. At least it had been a parking lot. Now it was just an abandoned place where weeds and concrete choked each other.

Jacob motioned for us to sit down. Then he called Simon, Mary, and me. He led us a little space away from the others and told us to wait.

He went forward and knelt before a lamppost between spots F 66 and G 77. He placed his hands on the base of the post and began to pray. The weak dirty light from the post formed a halo around his head. A beautiful sight, it made me want to believe again. Almost.

He began to pray, loudly, as if he wanted us to hear what he said. He spoke of his suffering. "Hear my words O Lord, listen to my singing. Hear my cry for help, my King, my God. I have changed, I am not as sure as when we started. Make me brave, braver than this. My courage fails me. Help me Lord, for no one loyal remains, the faithful have vanished from the human race. Friends and companions shun my pain. I am very near to falling, my pain is with me always."

In his total exhaustion he wept, he wept bitterly. "Why do you let me see ruin; why must I look at misery? How long will your people mock my honor, love what is worthless, chase after lies? How long Lord, will you hide your face from me. How long will I carry sorrow in my soul, grief in my heart? And now O Lord what future do I have? If I cannot save myself, O God, can I not save one of my disciples? Lord, I wait for you O Lord, my God, answer me."

I heard nothing but silence. I saw nothing but darkness. I felt nothing but sorrow.

Jacob arose, "Restore my joy in Your salvation; sustain in me a willing spirit."

Chapter 65: Abandoned

Jacob left the parking lot. We followed. I saw in the eyes of the others that they wanted to know what happened, but Simon, Mary, and I refused to speak. We were as silent as the sleeping city, this dying city, which has caused us such pain. To hell with trying to save it. Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendum. (Carthage must be destroyed)

Jacob walked ahead of us, lost in his own thoughts. I caught up to him and said, "What happened back there? Did God send you a sign?"

"I think so, but all signs are misleading. Go. I must be alone now."

I returned to the others. I felt something happening. Jacob saw no sign and his prayers were useless. No god ever gave any man anything nor ever answered any prayer at anytime, nor ever will.

The night pressed down hard from above. The stars hung bright above, silent, as if they watched the sleeping earth. For some reason this terrified me. There is no reason why because it is dark you should look at things differently from when it is light. Nevertheless, as you know friends, I fear the darkness.

I fear the darkness because it hides the unknown. Nothing is worse or more frightening than ignorance except, perhaps, the truth. Both hide the unknown and reveal the known. Now I am afraid because I do not know what is going to happen. I am more afraid because I think I know what is going to happen.

Jacob's actions tell me the time has come for God to abandon us. Eventually, God always abandons his followers. If you don't believe me, look it up in the Bible under "How to Know God" page 130. He abandons you when you finish the task He orders you to perform. Our task is finished. We await our reward.

The police were waiting at the bus.

"Which one of you is Jacob," one said.

"I am," Jacob said, and they took him.

They took him and death and ruin filled the universe. Flames of futility flashed bellow. The stars were strangled and the moon blinded by flying clouds of black despair.

Jacob is gone, but it is not our fault. We could not stop those more powerful than ourselves.

The sun begins to rise, but there is no light. The glory of the world is gone. Tears! tears! tears! In the night, in solitude, tears. No powers from heaven could ever take this darkness away.

Chapter 66: Pain

My pain. My God, the pain. Jacob would say pain is good because it proves You exist. The more pain, the more proof. Nothing comes from nothing.

You give us, Lord, only three gifts: faith, hope, and love. Love, of course, is the greatest of these gifts. But, we do not always receive love. If we did, we would have no need for faith or hope.

We need faith and hope when we face evil times. You are our refuge and strength, a very present help in our trouble. The only help You offer in evil times is faith and hope. You created us so that we could suffer. The more we suffer the more faith we need. The more we have faith, the more we need to suffer.

Captured by hope, we pray for your help, Lord, and when You want to punish us, You answer our prayers. We know altruism is the mark of a superior being. We know You are the greatest of all beings. Therefore, we know You are a cheerful giver. Cheerfully You give us unlimited pain. This pain proves You would never completely abandon us. Those with faith know it is worse, far worse, for You to abandon us, to be indifferent to us, than it is for You to punish us.

You are love. Your ability to love is unlimited. If we cannot receive Your pure love, You must give us the lesser form of Your love which is faith and hope. Lacking the greater love, we may come to you, Lord, only through faith and hope. Whoever understands the first truth, should understand the ultimate truth. The last and first, are they not the same? Therefore, we should pray for torture.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you shall find. For everyone who asks receives and he who seeks finds.

Keep Your gifts from me Lord. I want no faith or hope.

Chapter 67: Broken

Jacob was gone. I left the bus. Confused and afraid, I walked aimlessly, wandering the city, my vision blurred from held back tears. Eventually I collapsed in the park on a wooden bench.

I held my head in my hands digging my fingernails into my scalp, using pain to hold back the tears. While I did this, I head someone else sit down next to me.

'Hello Shiloh," Belial said.

"I knew you would come to gloat at our misfortune. At least tell me why this is happening."

"It is happening for the same reason everything happens. Some weak men saw a way to become a little more powerful by bringing down one of their betters. It is a pity really."

"Is that what we are? Scavenging monsters willing to destroy the entire life of a good man just to gain some temporary joy?"

"Have you only just discovered that everyone loves himself more than his own neighbor? Some justly, others to get something out of it. The poor ones like us are powerless. Do not judge them, they fear him."

"So they are afraid that what he preaches is the truth?"

"No, that would make sense and this world is never rational. They are persecuting him because they know he is wrong. They know they alone hold the truth. When this belief is shaken, they prove they are right by destroying any new teachings they begin to believe. By obliterating all truth, they ensure that their truth will continue to be the truth. Men never do evil so fully and cheerfully as when they do it out of conscience."

"That is insane. No one can find the truth without thinking without debating and searching, without learning."

"An nescis, mi fili, quantilla sapientia mundus regatur?(Do you not know, my son, how little wisdom rules the world?) Everyone in this world wants an easy answer. No one wants to be wise. We pay a high price for wisdom, intelligence hurts."

"Why does intelligence hurt?"

"Fools who accept whatever truth another tells them have it easy. Ignorance and blind belief protects and comforts them. Routine, fear, and prejudice distort vision. Each man thinks his own horizon is and should be the limit of the world. Most humans would rather be slaves in a group than an exile who is wise, and free. They call upon others to lead them, to show them the path through the darkness. Blindly they follow as those in power mold the untruthful truth. "Vibrai rijo o chicote, marinheiros! Fazei-os mais dançar!"(sway hard the whip sailors! Make them dance more!)

"I don't understand."

"Try to think. Christians and their God are not interested in finding truth or having anything to do with it. Why else did God order us not to partake of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge? Knowledge and truth are the destroyers of belief and dogma and we prefer belief and dogma. Even the Bible tells you you're all sheep. Did you ever stop to think what that meant?"

"No."

"We who are not sheep, those of us who search endlessly for the light in the darkness, are the ones who suffer the most. For in much wisdom there is much sorrow and he who stores up knowledge stores up grief."

"I wish I had remained a fool so that I could avoid such pain."

"Why? Wisdom is the greatest gift in the world."

"Even greater than love? Kisses are a better fate than wisdom."

"Perhaps, but wisdom is like a kiss on the lips. Remember what you are seeking. l'amor che move il sole e l'altre stelle (The love that moves the sun and the other stars.) In the world of knowledge, the idea of the good appears last of all, and is seen only with effort, but the prize of the good is worth endless suffering. Continue to seek. Je länger ein Blinder lebt, desto mehr sieht er. ("The longer a blind man lives, the more he sees.")

"Jacob is a good person and all it got him was more suffering."

"Yes, he is a good person, but it is dangerous to be good. The good never compromise. They always do what they believe to be right no matter who it hurts. It is the same way with those who are truly evil, if any such exist. Then there is the rest of humanity. No absolutes hold us; we fly here and there taking short-term gain, unknowingly choosing evil over good, just trying to survive. You decide which life is worse."

"Do you know why the world is so unfair?"

"No. For some reason God allows the evil to succeed. To be honest requires great effort and continuous courage. And as for fairness, that is the hardest of all. Those who are fair to others pay the greatest price."

"What is the greatest price?"

"Being broken. Against all, the evil and the selfishly indifferent, good men, if they are good, stand alone. They fight as long as they can until they inevitably break. For in this world, everything eventually breaks. God made it so. Therefore, when one man stands alone against the world either he or the world must break. In the end, no one can stand alone against the world. In the end, good men pay the price for their virtue."

"So that is the best good people can hope for in this world?"

"The best and the worst, but remember, it is better to break than to bend."

Belial got up to leave. "Wait," I said, "will you still tell me the definition of the good?"

Belial smiled, "Yes, but not now. I will tell you Ad Kalendas Graecas.(On the Greek Kalens.)

"What does that mean? Tell me something I can understand!"

"Mata ah-oo hima de,"(until we meet again) he said over his shoulder as he left.

Chapter 68: Injustice

When Jacob was arraigned, we all came to support him. A few members of the press were there as well, this was shaping up to be a semi-important story.

Jacob had to wait his turn behind all the others charged with crimes that day. Those poor disheveled losers had not yet discovered permissible ways to steal from their fellow men.

Some say that the noblest thing in the world is justice, but we would not know the name of justice if there was no injustice. All of us are guilty of great crimes. Crimes not hidden, but open. The wealthy and the powerful are the guiltiest of all because they have more to give fellow human beings. Nevertheless, we punish only the weak because the powerful control the definition of morality and they are blind to their own shortcomings.

Humanity buries itself in hypocrisy. Hypocrisy is the heavy tribute that vice pays to virtue. Hypocrisy is anything which deceives the most cleaver man, but which the least wide-awake of children can recognize however ingeniously it may be disguised. Sadly, we are too smart, too moral, too all-knowing to recognize the hypocrisy that is all around us.

In truth, our intelligence makes us stupid. We know how the world has always worked and therefore cannot see why we are wrong. The people in this courtroom want to seek justice, but they do not consider that they are punishing an innocent man. These people are not evil, they are stupid and nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

They seek justice without realizing there is a point beyond which even justice becomes unjust. They are all religious god-fearing people. As such, Christ orders them to forgive and love their enemies. Therefore, they kill in the name of justice because they cannot kill in the name of Christ.

Even if true justice exists, there is no justice in this case. They have convicted him by inventing a crime he has already committed. That is not justice, unless it is Jedburgh justice.

Finally, it is Jacob's turn. The prosecutor announces the charges and the Judge, by rote, says, "How does your client plead?"

Jacob's lawyer, Clarence, tries to reason with the Judge, "Your honor this is an unconstitutional, unjust law brought at the behest of religious authorities to persecute-"

"Now is not the time for this," the Judge said cutting him off, "you may argue that point later. For now, I must follow the law. We are slaves of the laws in order that we may be able to be free."

"Not guilty to all counts," Clarence said.

"One more thing," the Judge said, "do you really believe you are the Messiah? Please satisfy my curiosity and when you answer speak the truth because every word you say today could get twisted around by the prosecution."

"You ask me to speak the truth and this is difficult. Is truth a changing law? We both have truths. Are mine the same as yours?"

"Are you the Messiah or not?"

"Who do you say I am?"

"I won't answer that question. That is not my responsibility. A jury will decide who you are. Next case."

Chapter 69:Abandonment

The day after the arraignment, they allowed us to see him. All twelve came. We had not yet given up hope.

The guard stamped our hands and then led us to interview room #101. The windowless room announced to us, "This is the place where hope comes to die."

We sat looking at each other, as if afraid to speak. All of us were afraid, afraid of the unknown. No one knew what to say. We just waited for Jacob to arrive.

Finally, a guard led him in. He appeared tired but did not seem nearly as despondent as we were.

When the guard left, he smiled at us, "Everything is alright, why do you all look so depressed?"

"We are not depressed," I said, "we are afraid."

Jacob shook his head, "Why are you terrified, do you not yet have faith?"

For almost a minute, there was absolute silence. Surprisingly John was the first to speak, "Why are they doing this? They can't punish you for preaching."

"They can and they will punish me for preaching. It is certain because it is impossible. We cannot control what others do, but we can control what we do in response."

We all looked at him hoping beyond hope he had some sort of answer.

"First, be not afraid. You are safe. The world cannot hate you, but it hates me because I testify to it that its works are evil. Do not let your hearts be troubled, you have faith in God, have faith also in me."

"What should we do?" Luish asked.

"We must fight this by using the truth. Even to the death, fight for the truth and the Lord your God will battle for you. Are you prepared to fight with me, even to the death?"

No one spoke. The only sound in the room was Mary's soft, almost inaudible crying. I knew then she had loved him much more than the rest of us.

Jacob lowered his head, "So faith is strong only when we are strong."

"Listen," Simon said, "just give us some time, we need to discuss this." We all nodded in agreement, too afraid to voice our betrayal.

"Fine let us discuss it then," Jacob said angrily.

Simon could not meet his eyes, "We need to discuss it without you."

Jacob was too shocked or too angry to respond. Simon left the room and we followed. He had always been our leader, after Jacob, and now we did not know whether we wanted to follow Jacob anymore.

Chapter 70: Debate

We walked outside and gathered in a circle. We had to decide Jacob's fate.

Andrew: "What are we going to do? We can't just abandon him."

James: "Why not?" "He lied to us, he abandoned us. Why should we be better than him?"

Matthew: "He never abandoned us. We must have faith in him. Faith can defeat any obstacle."

John: "Faith is worthless. It is the delusion of a person who refuses to accept the truth. A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything."

Philip: "What are we supposed to have faith in? Do any of you still believe that he is the Messiah?"

Simon: "I don't know what to believe but we know he is a good person, shouldn't we try to help him if we can?"

Atarah: "How? Whatever we do, he is doomed. If we tell the truth, and say we no longer believe, then he will be convicted. If we lie and acknowledge him as the Messiah we will appear insane and he will still be convicted. There is nothing we can do."

Mary: "He is right. We must decide what course is best for us now. Jacob is lost. I grieve for him, but we must save ourselves."

Stephen: "We are not responsible for what happened to him. We have to consider the impact this will have on the rest of our lives."

John: "I agree. He tricked us. He made us believe in a lie. I trusted him and I have suffered. We all have suffered. I will no longer suffer for him."

Mary: "I believed in him because I was weak, I won't make that mistake again. I would rather die a thousand deaths."

Andrew: "What about the message?"

Mary: "Let that die too."

Simon: "It's not like I want it to die, I just want it to fade into insignificance so I can get on with my life."

Stephen: "It was a good message, surely something can be saved?"

Matthew: "If it survives then it will haunt us for the rest of our lives. He was wrong. He wanted us to think life is black and white but it isn't, it just isn't."

Phillip: "Are you saying there is no truth?"

Matthew: "We ourselves create the truth. Now we must select the truth most advantageous to us."

Mary: "I agree. It was beautiful but now it's sour. We must move on."

Simon: "The times have changed and we must change with them."

Chapter 71: Machines

Discussion ended. Our course decided. We were helpless and we knew it. We made the only rational decision. Can you blame us? Would you have done any different?

I said nothing during the debate. I was too shocked to say anything. Maybe I didn't have an opinion. Maybe I didn't get involved because I was too intimidated.

I noticed Joel remained silent as well. He looked terrible, I mean even worse than usual. Everyone else left. Joel and I were left behind because we were not yet able to move.

"What do you want to do?" I asked him. I am embarrassed to say I was so lost I sought advice from him.

Joel didn't answer for a long time. "I don't know," he finally said. "I want to do the right thing, but I don't know what that is."

"Me either," I said.

"I want to be a true friend. A true friend does not desert his friends. He does not run from evil. But I am afraid." He began to weep softly.

Without thinking, I embraced him and allowed him to cry on my shirt.

"Why, why, why?" he wept, but not even God can answer the why.

I let him cry for a short time. When he finally slowed down I said, "We need to make a decision."

"What difference does it make? All the others have decided what good can the two of us do?"

"We can't just follow the others. We have to decide for ourselves."

He pushed me away and began to pace up and down. I waited for the wheels of his mind to turn. I waited and waited. Finally, he squatted down on the ground. I guess he thought better there.

He looked up at me anger and defeat in his eyes, "The hell with it, there ain't no sin and there ain't no virtue, there's just stuff people do."

"What do you mean?"

"What I mean is I'm done helping others. From now on, I only care about myself. The hell with Jacob."

"But he chose us and we swore to follow him."

"I might've swore with my tongue, but not with my soul so I'm free now. You should leave too if you're smart."

Chapter 72: Humans

I returned to the interview room. I wanted to speak with Jacob before I decided what to do.

The deepest part of my soul hurt, something I'd never felt before. A terrible throbbing like a headache. I could not look at him as he discovered the others had betrayed him. I feared that when I betrayed him, he would still look at me with love.

"You are the only one coming?" he said, "Was I a shepherd to fools and betrayers?"

"Yes, and even I do not know what I am going to do."

"I understand that this is difficult, but you must make a choice. How long will you falter between two opinions? It is human nature to stand in the middle of a thing, but you cannot stand in the middle of this. You must choose one side or the other. Stand with me or against me. The only wrong choice is not to choose at all."

"I cannot help you. Everything is fixed, and I can't change it. Everyone is against you except me. I am nothing I cannot help you."

"Yes you can, you must have faith in yourself and in me. I know that you have faith. Do not assert with your mouth what your heart denies. The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

"Even if I could help you, I don't know if I want to. You lied to us. If you had just told us the truth in the beginning things might have been different. Now I don't know if I can trust you. I don't know who you are."

"I never lied to you."

"Yes you did. Even now you are lying. We followed you because we felt idealistic even though we knew we were worthless. Now our ideals die around us all because of you. Now we are only worthless."

"I need you. We must stand together now. Throughout history it has been the inaction of those who could have acted, the indifference of those who should have known better, the silence of the voice of justice when it mattered most, that has made it possible for evil to triumph. "

"You need me, but I don't need you."

I could see that my words hurt him deeply, but I didn't care anymore. Maybe I even wanted to hurt him.

"I am lost," I said, "if you have any power left, help me find my way. Save me and I will save you."

"I can't," he said.

Chapter 73: Choice

Jesus had it easy. He never had to make a choice. He never had to experience the great torture of free will. He never had any doubt or the crushing fear of making the wrong choice. He, if we are to believe the Church, was incapable of doing wrong. Therefore, He was incapable of choosing wrong. You sent Him to earth as both God and man, but He never experienced what it truly means to be a human being.

Jesus had it easy. He was only on the cross for three hours. Some crucifixions last for years. Those crucifixions, I know, involve something much greater than physical pain.

Jesus had it easy. He chose to die because that was the easiest and least painful way for Him to accomplish His goals. He would have experienced far greater pain had He lived. He would have seen His followers turn from Him, twist His words, and stop believing. He would have had to try, slowly and with difficulty, to build up belief in a world that has no time or use for the truth. He would have died without ever accomplishing His task.

You knew this and You did not allow Him to experience the disappointment of human failure. You killed Him to save Him from suffering.

If You really wanted Your Son to suffer for mankind's sins, You would have made Him watch while You tortured the people He loved. He never knew the consequences of His actions. He never saw the terrible injustices performed on and by His followers. He escaped true suffering. Dying is easy, watching others suffer because of the choices you made is hard.

Your made John write, "God so loved the world He gave his only son."

You want us to believe He died for our sins. Maybe He did, I don't know, but don't blame us for His death. We are not responsible.

You are God. You are responsible. You created us. Your Son died because of Your mistakes, not ours. We didn't need to be saved, You did. You created the sins of humanity. You needed to save Yourself by correcting Your mistakes, O Faultless One.

You think letting Your Son die proves You love us? Can such arrogance and misunderstanding truly exist in the heart of an All Knowing God? Every human being suffers not only the pain of his or her own death, but the death of every single one of his or her loved ones. You made one sacrifice, You force us to make thousands.

Even His death was not a sacrifice. You, who know nothing of death or permanent sorrow, raised Him from the dead. Giving Your Son a mere three days of death does not show Your love for us. Condemn Him to eternal death in Hell, or a normal life on earth, whichever you think is worse, and I will believe You love us.

Chapter 74: Justice

Our story continues on the day of the trial. All that happened in between is unimportant. All you must know is that I am still uncertain and have not yet made a choice. Nevertheless, I am here to support Jacob.

Jacob's trial has become big news. The river of life has spewed out a great number of human fish into the court's parking lot. A faceless crowd, a swirling mass of gray, blue, black, and white.

Both sides, those who think they are for Jacob, and those who think they are against him, are well represented. If I had to guess, I'd say there are 265 for him and 153 against. Nevertheless, these fish will have to find their own bread.

Both sides are signing songs and carrying signs. Their signs shout out large slogans no one will ever read much less believe. Some are in favor of religious freedom, others hate religion but are for free speech. On the other side are those in favor of religious freedom but only for the true religion. The rest stand for rationalism or proclaim Jacob a kidnapper who must be punished.

Two opposing forces, stuck together with God's glue.

This gathering shows we have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another. We have a great deal of knowledge, but we do not have enough wisdom sufficient for that knowledge.

None truly support Jacob because none understand. Neither side is right. No one can be right when everyone is wrong. They all have eyes but they cannot see the truth.

I respect them. At least they have faith in something, even if they are wrong. I used to believe in something too, but I was so much older then, I'm younger then that now.

The courtroom is like every courtroom, bleak, unadorned, and blandly terrifying. Reporters crowd the steps, seeking their false story. I hurry past hoping they will not recognize me. I have no desire to be made into news.

I reach the entrance without incident. The doors are beautiful, gigantic, and made entirely of bronze. If Heaven had doors, they would look like this. On them, an artist had engraved a wondrous three-paneled scene. The first panel showed Titus Manlius Torquatus holding his slain son's head in his lap while thrice-doomed Decius watched from atop his white horse. The last panel depicted Japhtah, his daughter, and the burning sacrifice to our Lord. In the center, where Jesus would have been if our government allowed, the artist had depicted instead an unnamed king stabbing his most precious wife as she protected their child.

Just above the door handle there was a single inscription, "Fiat justitia, ruat coelum."(Let justice be done though the sky falls).

Chapter 75: Silence

As soon as I entered the courthouse, I saw Jacob. He motioned for me to follow him and we went into a small interview room.

Jacob's lawyer, Clarence, was already there. He looked up from his work and said, "Is he the only one coming?"

"Probably," Jacob said, "prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. In the end, I will not remember the words of my enemies, but the silence of my friends."

Clarence nodded, "Don't despair my friend. We must stay positive. To expect defeat is 9/10ths of defeat itself."

"I will not despair. I have accomplished my goal. No matter what happens, I am free. A man becomes free by performing his duty and when he is free, he becomes aware that he is free. It is a wonderful feeling."

Clarence turned to me, "I am glad you are here. I need you to convince Jacob to follow my advice. Tell him he must not talk or give any religious sermons during the trial."

"No," Jacob said, "I must continue to teach the truth. You must put me on the stand."

"If I put you on the stand we might lose. Remain silent and we will win, I promise. Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute."

"Silence is also speech. He who is silent appears to consent. If I do not stand up for what I believe in then people will think I do not believe. Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. To be free, we must be brave. The one safety for the vanquished is to abandon hope of safety. When you have no choice, you must mobilize the spirit of courage."

"Jacob you have to trust me, I know better than you how to win this case. You can't think clearly. You can't be the judge of your own case."

"I do not want to win. I have chosen the way of truth. When you speak the truth, sometimes you lose. People can take everything away from you, but they can never take away your truth. No man can purchase his virtue too dear, for it is the only thing whose value must ever increase with the price it has costs us. Our integrity is never worth so much as when we have parted with our all to keep it."

"I'm not asking you to lie. I just need you to hold back the entire truth.

Let your speech be better than silence, or be silent. We want people to think you are being persecuted, but they will crucify you if you insist on calling yourself the Messiah. If you are silent, the truth will remain and you will survive."

"A half-truth is a whole lie. If you lie and then tell the truth, the truth will be considered a lie. One falsehood spoils a thousand truths. I will not let my truth become false. Even silence will destroy my teachings. If I must lie then I will lie by telling the truth. The truth is the safest lie."

"Fine but remember that I tried to warn you. The truth never dies but it lives a wretched life."

There was a knock on the door and the bailiff came in, "Hurry up please, it's time," he said.

Chapter 76: Actions

The prosecutor, Joseph Karamazov, rose from his seat and began in to speak in a solemn voice, "If good is confused with evil there is an end to all morality. This law, forbidding cults that brainwash the weak and easily influenced, was passed to prevent evil men from corrupting the innocent by pretending to be good."

"The defense will try to confuse you and claim that this case is about freedom of religion but it is not. We do not care what religion the defendant practices, it is his crimes we object to. We are concerned only with his actions. He virtually kidnapped twelve people and brainwashed them into leaving behind their normal lives to follow him. Do not allow him to hide his evil actions behind the screen of religion."

"We are concerned only with his actions, but let us consider what he preaches for his words give evidence of his guilt. He preaches that all persons should be equal and that there is no day of judgment and neither punishment nor shame for sin. This is not a religion but a feel-good teaching that could lead only to sin."

"However, we are concerned with his actions. Therefore, consider the people whom he chose to be his followers. He did not choose the wise or the prudent or the strong, rather he chose those who were weak and susceptible to his brainwashing techniques. Do not judge his disciples, they are victims, they are not responsible."

"We shall show that the defendant knew his disciples were weak and he chose them so that he could have complete power over them. Consider who followed him. Two unemployed alcoholics, a heroin addict, a homosexual, a fourteen year old girl who was a runaway."

"Those are the strongest and most admirable of his so-called disciples. He also fooled a prostitute into following him and leaving behind her ten-month-old child. He picked up a child molester and let him preach to young children. Finally, he snatched up an eighteen-year-old man just as he was released from juvenile detention for a murder he committed when he was 14."

"These were the people he chose to start his religion. What is this preference of sinners over others? I tell you it is because he knew they were weak and he wanted absolute control over them. Judge him, not because of his religion, but because he exploited these victims."

"The defense will claim that this law threatens religion, but the real danger to religion lies in allowing men such as the defendant to persecute and harm the innocent in the name of religion. Do not let them fool you by obscuring the truth. In a conflict between truth and darkness, truth cannot lose."

Chapter 77: Power

Clarence slowly rose from his seat and walked toward the jury. "My opponent has made some very good points, but I want you to remember that there are always at least two sides to every story. The man who pleads his case first seems to be in the right, but then his opponent comes and puts him to the test. Do not base your judgment on opinion or hatred, but listen to my client's side of the story."

"This case is about two things: faith and power. I say it concerns faith because my client cannot be punished for following sincere religious beliefs. If you find he is a liar or a scam artist then you have the right to convict him. However, if you find that he truly believes in what he preaches then he is innocent."

"I say that this case is also about power. I say this because the rulers of this city, religious and otherwise, are afraid of my client. They do not agree with his teachings and they are afraid that his teachings weaken their own. They were not able to stop people from following him. Therefore, they have decided to silence him through an unjust law. They are using the law to attack him, but the law should be a shield not a sword."

"This case is about power. The rulers of this city want to control my client by forcing him to follow their version of the truth or stop his preaching. They have a problem in that he is innocent. There is no way to rule innocent men. The only power the government has is the power to crack down on criminals. Well, when there aren't enough criminals, one makes them. One declares so many things to be a crime that it becomes impossible for men to live without breaking laws. Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws."

"My client is innocent. All he has done is preach a moral code that he believes in. He has done nothing different from religious leaders such as Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad, Joseph Smith, or thousands of others. If you find him guilty then you find all of those men guilty."

"Nobody should be punished for his thoughts. You can't legislate morality and you can't legislate religion. If there is but one religion, why do we differ so much about it? Why do we not all agree on how to practice Christianity when we can read its teachings from a book?"

"If you convict my client, you say to him, 'Even though it is permitted for others to practice their religion freely, it isn't permitted for you.' Do not let the prosecution fool you. Do not convict an innocent man for his beliefs. My client does not wish to destroy your religion or take it from you. He only wants to enjoy his own. However, if you convict him, your own religion will be left unprotected from hypocrisy and later attack."

Clarence returned to his seat, "Do not hate my client. Where there is hatred in judgment is blind. Judge him justly according to the law."

Chapter 78: Third

The prosecution called Mary as its first witness. She did not want to be there, she looked ashamed. She glanced at Jacob quickly and he gave her an understanding smile. He knew that this would be difficult for her. He tried to comfort her even though she was betraying him.

"Could you tell us when you first met Jacob?" the prosecutor asked.

"In New York City four years ago."

"And what were you doing at the time?"

"Working."

"Well, I wouldn't call it work, would you? You weren't exactly working at a legal job were you?"

"What I did was no worse than what you do."

"Please stop avoiding my questions. You worked as a prostitute didn't you?"

"Yes."

"And Jacob found you doing this 'work' one day and asked you to follow him?"

"Yes."

"Why did you go?"

"I had nothing to leave behind, my life was numb and almost dead."

"That's not entirely true is it? Didn't you have a child less than a year old?"

"Yes."

"What did you do with that child?"

"I gave him up for adoption. I couldn't care for him."

"What about the father?"

"I didn't know who the father was."

"I see. Now, why do you think Jacob chose you?"

"I don't know."

"Is it because you were vulnerable and easily exploitable?"

"I'm not weak."

"Isn't it true that he chose you because he needed a red haired prostitute named Mary to fulfill his deluded Messianic quest?"

"I don't know."

"Do you feel he took advantage of you?"

"Yes, no, maybe, I don't know."

"No further questions."

Clarence stood up and looked at Mary sadly, "I know this has been hard for you, I only have a few questions."

"Ok."

"First, do you think Jacob believed in what he taught?"

"Yes and I believed in it once too, in a previous life when I was naive."

"Fine. Now, I'm sorry to ask this but, you are not a prostitute anymore right?"

"No I am not."

"So your life has improved since you met Jacob?"

"You could say that."

"So, isn't it possible he was trying to help you, to save you, and not to exploit you?"

"Save me? Anything is possible."

"Thank you. No more questions."

Chapter 79: Either/Or

The rest of the prosecution's case was similar. Joseph called each disciple in turn. First, he made the witness tell his or her story of sadness in an attempt to make them appear vulnerable and susceptible to Jacob's alleged con. Then he would ask the disciple whether he or she still believed in Jacob. All answered no. Clarence would then question the disciple briefly and get him or her to admit their life had changed for the better because of Jacob.

The prosecution called Aurora next. She had run away from home at age 14 because she felt her family didn't understand her pain. Jacob found her broken and alone at a New York bus station where runaway girls were often led into prostitution. She admitted she no longer believed in Jacob. Under Clarence's questioning, Aurora recounted how Jacob saved her and how she was now back with her family.

Andrew told how he had lost his job when the tire plant in his town closed. After he lost his job, he lost his self-respect, home, and family. Jacob found him in a junkyard, drunk and dying. On cross-examination, he proudly told how he was now reunited with his family.

Joel didn't really have a sad story. He lived in a small town and went with Jacob, as he said, because he wanted to see the world. Nevertheless, he hurt Jacob's cause simply by the way he looked, talked, and acted. He also surprised me by saying he was now enrolled in school and wanted to attend college.

The prosecutor couldn't get Simon to admit he was a drug dealer, but he did say he had been a heroin addict. Clarence got him to admit he was now drug free.

Matthew was a closet homosexual before he met Jacob, but now was happy with his sexuality.

Philip tearfully told of his conviction for child molestation. He claimed he had been wrongfully accused, but no one believed him. Clarence asked no questions.

The last disciple called as a witness was John. The prosecution did not call Stephen, James, Atarah, or me. John had been involved in a gang shootout when he was thirteen years old. He was convicted of two counts of murder and was in juvenile detention until age 18. As soon as he was released, Jacob found him. He went along because he had nowhere else to go. On cross, he proudly talked of his new life running a program for troubled children.

After the disciples, the prosecutors called a series of witnesses who told of Jacob's career in the Carthaginian Church. These witnesses portrayed Jacob as a vindictive con man who invented his religion because he didn't get the church appointment he wanted and was then kicked out of the Church. Clarence got them to admit they disliked Jacob and his teachings and that the Church wanted him convicted.

Chapter 80: Option

After the final Church witness, the prosecution rested. It was time for lunch. We ate in an interview room to avoid the press. Jacob, however, refused to eat and he appeared physically sick.

"Are you okay?" Clarence asked.

"I'm fine," Jacob said, "the end is just a little harder, when brought about by friends. Don't worry, I will survive. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much."

"It isn't going that bad is it?" I asked.

Clarence shrugged, "Based on the law we should win, but opinions founded on prejudice are always sustained with the greatest violence. I would guess we have about a fifty-fifty chance of winning."

"You are an optimist my friend," Jacob said, "We have no chance of changing God's will. We play dice with God and the dice of God are always loaded. God has set up an unequal contest. He has no mercy. We are not contending against flesh and blood, but against the principalities, against the powers, against the rulers of this present darkness."

"You should have told me this case was a loser before I took it," Clarence joked.

Jacob laughed, "So now I have become your enemy by telling you the truth? Woe unto ye lawyers, for ye have taken away the key of knowledge. You knew this was an impossible task. I will not blame you for losing. Nobody has any obligation to do the impossible."

"Well, I'm going to try," Clarence said, "as you know I'm an optimist and, thank God, an atheist. In my opinion the difficult is done at once, the impossible just takes a little longer. It's kind of fun to do the impossible."

"Is there really any chance we'll win?" I said.

"Maybe," Clarence said, "if you two would listen to me. Jacob has been betrayed by everyone, but he sticks to his principles. One with principles always loses in a court of law. I think if the world wants to be betrayed, let it be betrayed. Then I promise you we will win."

"Clarence I can't..."

Clarence threw up his hands, "I know I know. Please just think about it while I prepare for the next witness.

Chapter 81: Answer?

After Clarence had left, Jacob turned to me. "It is time," he said.

"Time for what?" I asked.

"Time for you to find the answer."

"Okay where is it?"

"I don't know, you have to find it yourself. Go now. Seek out a place far from this courtroom where you can think clearly. If you find the answer, return here and testify in my defense. If you cannot find it then do not come back."

"Jacob, I can't. I don't have faith in you or the truth or the answer or whatever it is anymore."

"Yes you do. You would see the truth, but you close your eyes. It is right in front of you. Open your eyes."

"I see nothing."

"Will you not at least try?"

"Fine I will try and fail as I always do."

"Go then."

Chapter 82: Answer

I fled from the courthouse. I walked aimlessly through the streets of Carthage. I didn't know where I was going and the world was a blur. Finally, I grew tired and I stopped.

I felt broken in a world that could not help me repair myself. I have never broken anything in my body but right now, I have broken just about everything inside.

I recognized that I was near the parking lot where Jacob had prayed before his arrest. I decided to continue and I trudged to the lot.

I felt ridiculous but I knelt in spot G 77 and began to pray. "God, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you can, please hear me and answer my prayer. Please help me find what I'm looking for."

After a minute of silence, I began to think for myself. Jacob had told me the answer came from God's gift of freewill. Freewill allows us to choose either good or evil. That doesn't help because the problem is that we do not always know what is good.

Good must be happiness and happiness must be that which causes pleasure. That can't be right because something that causes pleasure now might bring about pain later. Therefore, we cannot judge what is good before we do it.

Good must come from giving ourselves to others by performing good works. But how can we know the works we do are good? Trying to do good we might actually do evil. Besides, such a life couldn't make us happy.

Good must come from faith. But faith in what? If we have faith in God, how do we know what He wants us to do? Many people say they have faith but they are still unhappy. Many more actually do have faith but their works are evil.

Is it love? No, for love can cause pain and anger. Love can be like being stabbed with a thousand knives. Even love can be corrupted. There is nothing human that cannot be corrupted. Unrequited love is the worst evil of all. Hate is not the opposite of love. Love is the opposite of love.

Jacob said children show the way to the truth. Why? Because they are innocent? How can innocence be the definition of the good? I cannot remain innocent forever.

I can't find it Lord, Please help me. What is the truth? The truth is unknown. Wait. What did Mary say to me once? "Step out into the Unknown," she said, "and you will find the truth." Therefore, I must find the unknown in order to find the truth.

What is the unknown? Darkness? Truth? Good? Unknown? What? What? WHAT?

And suddenly, just as I became frustrated, I knew. I saw a broken umbrella lying in spot F66 of the parking lot. I know it was not there when we came before. It was a sign meant for me. Thank you Lord.

The unknown is my life. Discovering the key to my life was the answer.

The truth is........Stop being afraid. All my life I have been afraid. My fear prevented me from living life to the fullest. Now I will no longer be afraid.

You also, stop being afraid. Do not pattern your life on what others think is best. When we live only for what others want, we will always be unhappy. If someone breaks you window, or, better yet, your nose, do not say, "Why must I suffer such pain," or, "How unhappy I am!" Instead, say, "God has given me a chance to experience something new."

Stop being afraid. If you think about it, really think, you will understand that all of us are unhappy only because society sets limits for us. When we break those artificial limits, we become unhappy. Breaking those limits is the very essence of Christianity. Christ said, "Turn the other cheek." This was not just an exhortation for peace, but a demand that His followers avoid the societal norm of an eye for an eye. If someone hits you, does it cause more pain to turn the other cheek or to worry about honor and disfigurement and hatred and revenge?

Stop being afraid. Throw away your umbrella and walk in the rain. How will you be hurt? You will become wet and your clothes might be ruined. So what? Are you afraid of what others will think? Let them laugh. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. It is better to feel pain because society thinks something bad than to never experience a walk in the rain.

Stop being afraid. Love, but love in a new way. True love lives for others and therefore cannot feel pain. As long as the one you love is happy, you are happy.

Stop being afraid. You will always do good if you are not afraid. You will be happy if you always do good.

Join with me. We need to teach the next generation of children from day one that they are responsible for their lives. Mankind's greatest gift, also its greatest curse, is that we have free choice. We must make our choices from love or from fear.

I choose love.

Chapter 83: Resurgam

I ran back to the courthouse. Alive, I was alive again. It was a taste of Heaven. My tears were joyful. God had resurrected me and restored my faith.

I ran into the courthouse, my feet popping with energy. I felt alive for the first time since I kissed Mary.

I found Jacob and Clarence standing outside the courtroom. "I found it," I shouted, "I found the answer."

Jacob smiled, "I knew you would."

"Look," I said holding up the broken umbrella. "Do you want to know what the answer is?"

"No need. I already know. I just needed you to find it for yourself."

"Come on," Clarence said, "they're starting. Are you going to testify or not."

"Yes," I said, "I'm no longer afraid."

Chapter 84: Questions

I testified for Jacob. I told the truth. I was not afraid. My testimony destroyed him.

Clarence took me through some preliminary questions then asked me when I met Jacob.

"No time ago, or else a life, I was sitting on the lawn at school and he sat down next to me and started up a conversation."

"About what?"

"About life and how most of us lead empty lives and seek misery by following what society says is best."

"Then what happened?"

"Jacob explained his philosophy of life and asked me if I wanted to come and preach with him."

"And what did you say?"

"I was reluctant at first, but I decided to follow him."

"Why?"

"I wasn't happy with where my life was. I had a strong desire to help others. I felt God was giving me this chance to end my selfish ways and make the world a better place."

"Weren't you afraid, leaving behind everything you had worked for in life?"

"No. Most people can't understand why I left. I think society brainwashes us and makes us think only certain goals are worthwhile. I could have stayed in school maybe made a lot of money one day, that is what society, and my parents, would have wanted."

"But you wanted something else?"

"Yes, I wanted to be happy, not just successful. Success can be, and should be, measured by a different standard than wealth. I think I am successful because I help others. I have also learned, although I didn't know it at the time, helping others is the true road to happiness."

"And have you been successful in helping others?"

"Yes, many who were unhappy and directionless in life have come to believe in God and turned their lives around thanks to Jacob's message."

"And are you happy?"

"Yes."

"And, in your opinion, is Jacob a special person?"

"I don't know, but I believe."

"Thank you.

Chapter 85: Cross

"That was a very inspiring story," Joseph said, "I just want to go over some parts I didn't understand."

"Okay."

"You say you were unhappy before you met Jacob?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I was lost; I was living for what others wanted and not for myself."

"I see. So college was a difficult place for you?"

"Yes."

"Did you have a girlfriend?"

"No."

"Any friends at all?"

"No."

"Any casual acquaintances or anyone to talk to?"

"Not really."

"So you were completely alone?"

"Yes."

"Were you depressed?"

"I-probably you could say that."

"Were you suicidal?"

"I don't think so."

"But at the time, you were very depressed?"

"Yes."

"And Jacob just came and talked with you? What did you talk about?"

"As I said before, just life in general?"

"But he learned your life was unhappy right?"

"Yes."

"And he offered you a better life?"

"I guess."

"How long did it take before you decided to leave school?"

"I had one night to decide."

"Why?"

"They were leaving the next day."

"Did you discuss your decision with anyone?"

"No, like I said I had no one to talk to."

"I see. One last question, do you, despite all you have heard, still believe Jacob is the Messiah?"

"I believe."

"If he isn't the Messiah, should we find him guilty?"

"Yes."

Chapter 86: Testimony

The day of Jacob's testimony the courtroom was packed. No one spoke. Everyone knew they were witnessing a great event and did not want to miss anything.

Clarence shuffled his papers, trying to hide his nervousness. He asked a few bland questions and then launched into the real issues.

"Some very strong charges have been leveled against you, are you afraid?

"No."

"Why not?"

"I have faith the truth will come out and truth never damages a cause that is just."

"But the prosecutors have spent almost all of their time showing how your followers were immoral people, how does that make you feel?"

"I'm glad that they have said that."

"Glad? Why? Aren't they trying to make you seem guilty by association?"

"Objection, counsel is testifying."

"Overruled, you may answer."

"I believe the testimony of my disciples proves my teachings are working."

"Why?"

"Because, my teachings took twelve people who were lost and helped them find their way and turn to a moral life."

"That may be true, but some people probably want to know why you associate with such immoral people."

"Well, I have to, in order to save them."

"What do you mean?"

"It takes more than just writings and words to save those who are lost. I reach them by example and through hard work. One should not preach to the converted. Those who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do. I believe I must save those who need saving the most. Deep down, even the most hardened criminal is starving for the same thing that motivates the innocent baby: Love and acceptance."

"You mean you seek only the lost sheep?"

"Your words not mine."

"Wouldn't it be better to build your religion without being among sinners?"

"I don't think so. If it is, then one must always choose the lesser of two evils. I am not afraid to be called a sinner if I am doing God's work. God put me on earth to accomplish certain things. Right now, I am so far behind, I may never die."

"Okay. Now, a lot has been said about your 'unorthodox teachings.' Can you tell us very briefly, what your main teachings are?"

"Of course. My teachings are very similar to the teachings of all religions, that you should do good, follow the truth, and love your neighbor."

"But you do hold beliefs that others are afraid of?"

"Some people fear my teachings about how we obtain salvation from God."

"And how do you believe we obtain salvation from God?"

"I believe and teach that everyone goes to Heaven no matter what they do on Earth."

"So everyone goes to Heaven? Even the evil?

"Especially the evil."

"How can that be?"

"God loves all of us despite our actions. We are all sinners in need of mercy and forgiveness from God. God's love is unending. He can forgive us for anything. God shows mercy and brings us to Heaven because He loves us and forgives us. His grace is limitless and free for all."

"You understand how some people could take offense at such a teaching?"

"Yes, but I do not ask anyone to believe it, just to let me preach it freely."

"Thank you," Clarence said he walked over to the table as if he was going to sit down. He paused, "One more question...how would you describe yourself."

Jacob smiled, "I'm a little bit of everything rolled into one. All that matters is that I am here to help those who want to be helped."

Clarence smiled, "Thank you."

Chapter 87: Persecution

Joseph began his questioning with a subtle attack, "As you told your lawyer, you don't like what has been said during this trial do you?"

"No."

"I suppose few love to hear the sins they love to act, but you said everyone testified truthfully?"

"Yes."

"Then what is the problem? Surely you don't want to be tried based on lies?"

"I am disgusted by the way that you have hurt my disciples in an attempt to persecute me and I am very sad you have called me the persecutor of good men."

"Isn't that your fault? Didn't you harm your 'disciples' by ripping them from their homes and forcing them to follow you?"

"I was doing God's work. You wouldn't understand. You disregard God's commandment but cling to human beliefs."

"You say you were doing God's work. Is that because you believe you are the Messiah?"

"I have never said I was the Messiah. Nevertheless, I believe what I believe."

"Are you the Messiah? The Son of the Living God? Answer me."

"I will not answer that question. I will not justify myself because if I were seeking my own glory, my own glory would be nothing. If I testify on my own behalf, my testimony cannot be verified."

"So you think you are the Messiah but you refuse to tell anyone?"

"I am what I am. Others must decide whether they have faith in me."

"Okay. Does anyone have faith in you?"

"At least one person, the disciple who testified before me."

"So your entire religious following consists of one person."

"One is enough. True Christians are the same."

"What do you mean? There are billions of Christians."

"There has only ever been one true Christian, and they crucified him pretty early."

Everyone in the courtroom laughed. The laughter seems inappropriate now, but at the time, we needed something to laugh about.

"Are you making a joke out of this?"

"What prevents me from speaking the truth with a smile?"

"There is nothing more foolish than a foolish laugh. Besides, what are you laughing at? The joke is on you."

"What do you mean?"

"Isn't your whole religion a joke and a sham? When did it begin?

"About three years ago?"

"How long after you were kicked out of the Carthaginian priesthood?"

"I don't know."

"Come now. A liar must be good at remembering. Wasn't it less than a week after the church kicked you out?"

"Probably."

"And why were you kicked out?"

"For preaching about subjects the Church didn't approve of."

"And after the Church kicked you out, you were unemployed and homeless correct?"

"Yes, the Church owned my home and all of my property."

"So unemployed, penniless, without anyplace to go and suddenly, as if by chance, God calls you to be the Messiah. Lucky for you."

"I believe God started me on a journey for the truth."

"Well, Jesus probably got started after his going out of business carpentry sale right?"

Now everyone in the courtroom was laughing at Jacob.

"Yet less than three years later you came back to town with twelve followers and a whole new scam, I mean, religion, supported by donations?"

"I give most of my money to the poor."

"But you use some of it right?"

"I have to eat. I don't have any other job."

"I guess being the Messiah is full time work. So let's talk about that. How did you find your followers?"

The prosecutor then took Jacob through the story of how he called each of us, trying to make it seem as if he was exploiting us and stealing our money.

Finally, the prosecutor reached the end of his questioning, "Why do you believe what you believe?"

"I have faith in God and his mission for me in the same way I have faith in the sun. Not because I can see it, but because I cannot see without it."

It was finished. The twelve members of the jury would decide Jacob's fate and the fate of mankind.

Chapter 88: Facts

Joseph stood to give his closing argument. "The most distorted minds are ingenious in contriving excuses for their crimes. Jacob and his lawyer have created quite a story. Prostitutes, murderers, anger, love, belief doubt, Armageddon and the Second Coming of Christ."

"But what is the truth? Fiction yields to truth: where there is truth, fiction does not exist. Therefore, we must consider only what really happened and not what Jacob says happened."

"Jacob preyed on the weak and helpless. He exploited people for his own gain. He never said he was the Messiah until the Church kicked him out and made him penniless. He needed a scam, and he found one. He duped twelve helpless victims."

"As soon as he had no more need for the disciples he exploited, he abandoned them. Then, they abandoned him because they realized what a liar he was. Only one person still believes in him. You heard his testimony. You understand why he was so easily fooled. He was lonely, lost, and easily exploitable. Jacob kidnapped him by filling his head full of ridiculous lies. He conned him into believing and following."

"Even that believer says we should convict Jacob if he is not the Messiah. What proof has Jacob presented that he is the Messiah? None! He won't even admit it himself."

"You have heard the testimony. You know the facts. Do not be fooled by Jacob's lies. Don't let him con you the way he conned those poor victims. I know you feel sorry for them, but you cannot let Jacob go because of that. One wrong does not justify another. If you do not punish him, you will set him free to exploit others."

"You have a duty, not just to the truth, but to justice. The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. Do not remain silent today. Send a message to the world, that these actions are not acceptable. Our City needs you now. The road is difficult but the reward will be sweet. Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice, for they shall be filled."

Chapter 89: Closing

Clarence stood, "Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth."

"The only evidence the prosecutors presented was that my client helped out people in difficult situations. They say, 'His friends appeared evil so he must be evil.'"

"That is an assumption and an opinion, not a fact. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. There is another possibility. It is possible that my client helped immoral people because he wanted to save them. Therefore, his friendship with them proves he is good not evil."

"The prosecution follows the view of most religious leaders. Religious leaders want us to believe that the good can save the evil without becoming entangled with them. They think that the good can stay apart from the evil, living in high towers raining down salvation on the poor and miserable below."

"It would be best if the good could remain apart from the evil but that is not how the world works. Evil lives in a pit. If you want to fight it, you must climb down in the slime to do so. The truly good surround themselves with evil. In doing this, they not only remain good but save those who are evil. That is how Christ lived. My client followed the example of Christ. He is guilty only of loving too much."

"They brought this case because they do not believe in what he teaches. That is an opinion. He is guilty of teaching what some people think wrong and some people think right. Nevertheless, because they do not believe so they persecute and prosecute him. They set up the rules and call him a sinner."

"Don't let them make you into a sinner. Don't do their dirty work for them. True evil entered the world not with the first sin, not even with the first murder. It came when an otherwise decent man first looked at a sinner, and at a guiltless stranger with a similar appearance....and punished both of them."

"My client is not guilty. Even if you do not think him entirely innocent, indeed no one is ever completely innocent; you cannot find him guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. There is at least a 50% chance he was a good innocent person."

"Find him innocent and have mercy on him. Blessed are the merciful: for they obtain mercy. Do not be afraid of what others might say about you for acquitting an innocent man. Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice's sake, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.

Chapter 90: Verdict

Guilty. We are all guilty. Each one of us, and God condemns the guilty.

Chapter 91: Parting

One of the guards let me speak with Jacob one last time before they took him to his cell.

"Do not be sad. I have accomplished what God wanted me to accomplish. I have served my purpose and completed my mission. I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith."

"No, Jacob don't give up, we can appeal, we can get you out of here."

"No, it is God's desire that I remain in prison. One who breaks an unjust law, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over the injustice, gives a great teaching to the world. It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope."

"I can't just leave you in jail. You are innocent and you deserve to be free to continue your teachings."

"I am free. Stone walls do not a prison make, if I have freedom in my love and in my soul, I am free."

"What about your work, what about the teaching of the truth?"

"Truth, crushed to earth shall rise again, it always does."

I considered this in silence for a moment while Jacob gathered the strength to ask me a question.

"Where are you going?" he said.

"I am going out to the world. I will continue your work. Your message will continue and grow stronger."

Jacob bowed his head, "Thank you my son. Be strong and of good courage. Wherever you go I am with you always even unto the end of the world. If I do not see you again on earth, we will meet again in a place where there is no darkness."

"I know your teachings but is there anything else I should know?"

"You know it all. I kept back nothing that was helpful but proclaimed it to you and taught you all. Test everything, hold onto the good and you will do what is required of you. Take with you this final teaching and share it with the world, 'Abhor what is evil, cling to what is good.'"

Chapter 92: Beauty

I look at the world through new eyes. Therefore, I will not grieve. Jacob is gone, but he has not failed. He accomplished what God wanted him to accomplish. He has overcome the world. April whispered this to me and I am done with sorrow.

Besides, on a beautiful day like this, no one could be sad. The world seems like such an ugly place, only because we never look around to see the beautiful and the good.

We must focus on that which is beautiful and good. Look at the beauty all around you. Our world is full of sound, our world is more lovely than anyone's though we suffer and kill each other.

Follow me. Flee the works of man. In the works of man, everything is as poor as its author; vision is confined, means are limited, scope is restricted, movements are labored, and results are poor.

Flee the works of man. Seek out a quiet place to pray, visit, commune, and listen to our Father. There you will discover a quiet Garden of Eden. There you will find true life. There you will find tongues in trees, books in running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything.

Look. Listen. Understand. Our Lord has written the promises of resurrection, not in books alone but in every leaf of the springtime. God is small. Even on a single leaf of a tree, or a tender blade of grass, the awe-inspiring deity manifests itself. God is behind all-we find great things made of little things and the little go lessening till at last comes God behind them. Through unity, the small thing grows, through disunity the largest thing crumbles.

Live now, believe me, wait not till tomorrow, gather the roses of life today. Most people live lives of quiet desperation. Don't be resigned to that. "I shall live" is not the saying of a wise man. This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time. Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Tomorrow's life is too late; live today. Live today, forget the cares of the past.

Go for it now. The future is promised to no one, but for now, the future is bright. The golden age is before us, not behind us. Nevertheless, you must hurry. Summer's lease has all too short a date.

I hear shouts and see children playing down by a small pool. April has put a spirit of youth in everything.

Then I hear screams as the children throw rocks at one of their number. From the heart of the fountain of delight, wells up some bitter taste to choke hope even amid the flowers. Ours is a world of sweets and sours, our flowers are merely flowers. Every rose has its thorn. The rose and the thorn, and sorrow and gladness are linked together.

Then a miracle occurs. One of the children stops the others from throwing rocks. He comforts the injured child and all begin to play together again. Often the prickly thorn produces tender roses. Hope. We have become beautiful without our knowing it.

Our world is beautiful, but beauty is always subjective. What is beautiful is that which puts into material form a part of the hopes and dreams and feelings that lie within us. The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.

Chapter 93: Beginning

And so, my friends, we have reached the end of our story. It is not really the end, for every ending must mix with a new beginning. Life begins perpetually, and is forever dying to be born afresh, forever young and eager. The sad and wonderful thing about life is that it goes on.

What have I discovered? I have discovered nothing. I have only found out what I knew. I understand the force that in the past gave me life and now too gives me life. I have been set free from falsity. I have found the truth.

What have I accomplished? Nothing. I sought to separate the good from the evil and to make the world a better place. I have failed. So far, I have failed. However, we become better through failure and time is infinite. I believe a day will come for sure when I will know the truth.

Mary and Simon come to me to say goodbye. "Good luck," Simon says and walks away without looking back.

Mary looks at me with tears in her eyes. She is too proud to cry. She hugs me and whispers in my ear, "Remember me when I am gone away. Seni her zamam veya aslam seveceğim."(I will always or never (sic) love you.)

We embrace. She puts her head on my shoulder.

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened," I say.

She leaves. She does not look back. I want to call out to her, tell her I love her. I say nothing. I feel this is important in some way, but I am no prophet and here's no great matter. Instead, I wipe away the stain of tears, the aftermath of almost too much love.

I say nothing and this is good. I pray for their happiness and that too is good.

I alone am left. Sometimes I think we could have gone on, all of us, trying forever, but it didn't happen. They left me alone.

I am alone just as I was when I began this journey. Yet, I have changed. I am a part of all that I have met and they are part of me. Now, I do not fear to walk the lonely road which leads far out into the sullen night.

Alone, I will face the world. My only duty is to bless the world through what I am. I will test myself against the world and we shall see who will break first: I or the world.

I have faith that soon I will be joined by others. I believe, in fact, that the adventure of humanity is essentially an adventure of groups. When I am joined by others, we will face the world together. Then we shall see who breaks first: us or the world.

Right now, all I can do is be me, whoever that is. My past is gone, my present is passing, and my future is arriving. Yesterday is just a memory and tomorrow is never what it is supposed to be. Nevertheless, I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

It is now time to depart. Farewell, my friends. Remember today for it is the beginning of always. Today marks the start of a brave new future filled with all your dreams can hold. Think truly to the future and make those dreams come true. Set impossible goals and when it becomes obvious the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust your action steps.

Farewell, my friends. I know where I am going. Do you? Which of us is going to a better place is unknown to everyone but God. I'd love to change your world, but I don't know how. I'll leave that up to you. Do not be afraid. Throw yourself from the cliff, drown yourself in love, die a thousand times, but try to live. Who knows, you might just make it.

As I leave, I glance back, once, and watch Mary and Simon as they, hand in hand, with steps measured and slow, make their solitary way through Eden.

Etiam venio cito amen veni Domine Iesu

Terminat hora diem. Terminat author opus.

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