So apparently, James Charles got involved
in a bit of drama recently.
~ehyehYeAh~
That wasn't a question, I was stating a fact.
~ehyehYeAh~
Who are you even talking to?
~ehyehYeAh~
Are you done now?
Good.
So- ~UhUUhHHH~
When it comes to YouTube drama,
I like to think of myself as somewhat of a windmill.
Because I'm not really a fan.
But I'm so tired of people making
serious videos about other creators.
"This leaked Jeffree Star DM
shows his true colours!"
Honey, if I wanted to see his true colours,
I'd peel that cake of his face.
If you know me well, you probably have realised by now
that I'd rather slice my nuts off with a butter knife
than make serious video calling someone out.
I think I'd honestly rather bathe in a pool of rotten spunk
than express an actual opinion at this point.
So take today's video with a splash of salt.
Because today I'm gonna be memeing
one of the biggest social media stars of 2019.
Last time I did that
they came to my flat and called me fat.
I wish I was joking.
Gabbie Hanna said I, "looked like
the kind of guy to enjoy chocolate."
Who doesn't enjoy chocolate dickhead?!
Such a prick.
So in the hope that James Charles's fanbase
don't hit me with a big old
~UhUUhHHH~
I'm gonna start this video by saying:
I can't sing.
All things considered,
James Charles - ugh, not bad.
Perhaps his dream of being Tyga's background singer
may be a tad unrealistic but still,
he could be worse.
I on the other hand have the voice of a decrepit cat
if you gently forced it through a blender.
So in spirit of fairness, during this video
I will be doing a bit of singing myself.
But until then, let's bully
the second-best James on YouTube.
~Never enouuugggh~
~Never eNOUuuUUgGghh~
My ears... Help. Please, someone.
Someone please help me...
So that clip started off quite well.
~Never enouuugggh~
If you listen out closely for the sister squad,
you can hear the waves crashing.
Delightful. But then this:
~Never eNOUuuUUgGghh~
Never enough, huh?
Not gonna lie, I think it was.
I love how he's moving his hand
as if he's hitting all of the notes.
You can move your hand as much as you want
IT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT
THAT YOU'RE SCREAMING!
~Though I make sure my shade is riiiigGGhHhHht~
~Don't want it to be to daAaArk AaLLaaaA~
That last note wasn't it, sis.
See, clearly confidence isn't his issue here.
But it should be.
I'm so sorry, that's really mean.
Always be confident in your abilities kids.
Even if attempting to sing makes your nostrils
open wider than a pornstar's asshole.
Believe in yourself because believe me,
I'll probably bully you for it.
Moving on.
~Why don't you just meet me in the midoooh?~
Right, so ignoring Mr. Middle Parting over here,
I'm gonna try and transcribe those lyrics.
James sorry, please tell me what is a "mid-oh"
and why do you want to meet a baby there.
Is James Charles a nonce?
We really must consider this as a possibility.
Again, we have a few problems with pronunciation here.
I also lose my mind when I'm in Lidl.
So many bargains! All this milk for 59 pence!
I'm losing my mind. I'm gonna have
a nice little picnic in the "mid-ow".
~I'm gonna fill in my brows~
~BroOows...~
~BroOoOows~
Right, who was it?
Who invited Voldemort?
Clearly the Battle of Hogwarts
did damage to his vocal chords.
James Charles attempts a lot of vocal runs,
like the one you just heard.
Attempt is the keyword there. This is coming
from a guy who can't run, full stop.
Vocal runs, physical runs. The only time I run
is to pick up my deliveroo from the door.
And for context, that's about this far.
God, I'm actually a bit out of breath. *coughs*
~And as it fell you rose to claim it~
That wasn't bad. But I am going to nitpick,
it's kind of what I do on this channel.
That breath that people do at the end of lines:
WHEH
You sound like a bloody chain smoker.
And not the good type either.
Actually, they're both shit.
Also whatever James Charles sings,
he really flares his nostrils.
I just have an urge to stick
my sausage fingers right up there.
I promise those are the only body parts of mine
that I want to put in James Charles's nose.
That's a lie. I want to put
my toes in there as well.
I want to put my toes in your nose.
You'd love it.
~It was dark and I was over~
Ohhh noo...
The girl he's singing with is really talented.
You can see his heart drop, the poor soul.
"I guess I'll just stick to applying some makeup."
Why am I making James Charles sound
like a member of the EDL.
~But my kneEeEs were far to wEeEAaaAaAAK~
James is really giving us his best impression
of the troll face here.
I'm gonna speak like this for the rest of the video.
This face makes me look like Hulk just slapped me
across the face with his bulbous iron cock .
"Ahahaha... Please stop singing."
Why is he moving his hands so much?
It's like he's conducting the world's worst orchestra.
After he's done singing he's gonna ask
the other girl if she wants to join.
I bet she's dreading that because...
I'm so sad.
~I'm no cry, baby.~
~But you make me cRRRRy lately~
Ummhhh.
Who let Fozzie Bear on the mic?
Waka Waka
And don't worry James,
you've made me cry lately too.
Me and everyone else
who just heard you gargle saliva.
Well, James Charles may have new rules
but he still can't sing for shit.
Oh wait no, this isn't James Charles.
This is James Charles Australia. Silly me.
"Chuck some mascara on the barbie."
"I'll just opened up a Morphe shop in the bush."
"Applied some foundation to a fucking kangaroo."
This is such a strange dynamic.
"Alright, so clearly singing isn't working,
just miss that note, bit tragic.
Let's twerk in front of a crowd of 12-year-olds,
that will make them scream."
Probably for the wrong reasons, James.
~Minor fall and the major lift~
~The baffled king compoOosing~
~HalleluJAhhh~
Well you can sing Hallelujah all you want James,
those vocals are sending you straight to hell.
And you know what that means.
You're in my territory now James.
I'm gonna put my toes in your nose.
Oh god.
So I think at this point it's only fair
if I show you my natural singing abilities.
I'm gonna be picking up Juniper for this one.
Alright, Clive, I hope you're ready for this.
This is an original song called
"Best Artist in the Entire Domain."
Baited.
So James Charles's voice has issues
from time to time. We've learnt that today.
I thought we'd take James
on a journey back to the basics.
Not singing, not even speaking.
The alphabet.
Recently in a video called
"Doing My Makeup In Alphabetical Order,"
James coined the sister dictionary.
Or as I like to call it: the Bible.
Am I right sisters? Yas.
So let's take a little gander at that, shall we?
"So the first of the alphabet is A, and in our
sister dictionary A stands for: acrylic."
Here on the James Marriott channel,
A stands for: Alienating everyone in my life.
I don't know why they all left me.
Probably because I was to alphabeta cool, haha.
"B is for beefy, which basically
means big or like thick."
He's into thickis, lads. We've got a chance.
For me, B would stand for bulbous.
No real reason, I just like that word.
Big bulbous bollocks blissfully bulging
through my beautiful bush.
JK Rowling did get a bit explicit
in her descriptions of Snape, didn't she?
"The next letter of the alphabet is D,
and D stands for: don't evvveeerrr."
That's a phenomenal phrase.
It's the kind of thing I'd say to James Charles
if he wanted to drop makeup
to pursue a full-time singing career.
In my alphabet, D stands for drinking problem.
*cries*
"The next letter of the alphabet is G,
 and G stands for good and fresh."
So just like a regular f*cking dictionary then, isn't it?
G stands for good. Good is something
that is not bad. Not bad at all.
In my alphabet, G stands for green.
Wait no, I don't smoke weed, I just like the color!
And also the song by Chase Atlantic, I like that.
Oh wait, that's about the drug, ah!
"The next letter of the alphabet is H
and of course H stands for: hi, sisters."
He does realize that dictionaries
only define singular words, right?
So really his H is just hi.
No, no as in high as I do drugs!
I don't do drugs, I promise! I'm sorry, sisters.
"But it is a perfect way to greet anybody,
especially your fellow sisters that watch the videos."
The perfect way to greet anybody?
I don't know about that one, chief.
For example, I don't that you should
say it to your girlfriend.
Unless you incest on it.
*laugh track*
"Next comes J and J
stands for James, my name."
Wait, hold on a minute. James Char...
James Ma...
Do I share the same name
as a famous person? Oh my god!
"Next in the alphabet comes a letter M,
and M stands for Morphe, one of
my favorite makeup brands of all time."
Isn't Morphe that little clay animated dickhead?
Oh no wait, what am I talking about, that's Pingu.
And that's a pretty good show but it's nothing
compared to CHAOS 4 claymation.
Oh my god, I've been making YouTube videos
for 10 years, I've wasted half of my life.
I can't even show you the animation 
because I used copyrighted music.
I will make you pay UMG!
Or you'll probably make me pay.
"N it's for: not with that attitude."
I thought we were being taught the alphabet
not receiving a motivational speech.
He then goes to explain what
"not with that attitude" means.
As if we don't already know what that means.
Not with that attitude.
That makes no sense.
In my dictionary N stands for n...
"O stands for:
oh my god, oh my god, OH MY GOD, oh my god."
Sorry, am I being dumb?
I don't know what it stands for.
Orgasm maybe?
That's not very child-friendly.
My letter O stands for oblong.
Because you all keep telling me
how messed up my eyes are.
I love it when you all poke fun at the insecurities
I don't even realize I have yet.
We really are a wholesome channel.
"P stands for pressed pigment. Now, if you
do not know what pressed pigment is..."
What the hell is that. It sounds like
some kind of pork based toasty.
In my dictionary P stands for: please follow
my Instagram, this is not a joke.
@jamesmarriottyt go on.
It won't follow itself.
I wish it would though,
I base my happiness off of numbers.
"Q is for quaking, which is similar to
shaking but not the same thing as shaking
because you use it when you,
somebody or something else is shook."
Ughhh, does enybody else feel dizzy?
Why's there's so many words for the same thing.
Just say shook, ok, shook does the job.
You're only allowed to say quaking if you're experiencing
a magnitude 8 earthquake or above.
And if you do choose to use it,
I hope your house gets swallowed by the Earth.
"T stands for: the house.
Basically, at any time something is...
very something else you can say it is the house."
Right, so I'm gonna end this video
by defending James Charles.
As much as "the house" is a ridiculous phrase
that no one should use, ever.
It makes me angry the house.
People seem to get really pissed off that James Charles
didn't know the LGBT roots of the phrase.
But I'm not sure why any community
would want to claim the phrase "the house."
Unless it was one you can actually live in.
James Charles may be gay...
I mean he is, there's no disputing that.
But that doesn't mean that he has to know
every single LGBT phrase that has ever existed, ever.
So let's just stop taking makeup videos
so seriously, yeah? Okay.
And with that being said, James Charles is
an incredibly talented man who I wish no harm upon.
This video has been a joke.
So if you send him any actual hate,
you're an absolute scrub.
But if you have enjoyed this video
please leave a like down below,
subscribe if you're new
or have not done so already,
and I will catch you...
next time.
