Do you wanna stand out in Sunday
School?
Worship God and turn your Bible 
Reading Studies
Into a music video?
Do you wanna look like a cute 
youth pastor?
Does your local church need any 
new members?
Then I got the recruitment tool 
for you!
UNBLACK METAL...
wait a minute?
[HOLY UNBLACK METAL INTRO]
Unblack Metal. A.k.a. Christian 
Black Metal,
IN NOT A JOKE!
I mean, from an outsider of the 
genre it might seem like it,
but no, this is real.
Unblack Metal is a Black Metal 
sub-genre where the
theme and lyrics are focused 
around the Christian Ideology.
So instead of being TRVE KVLT,
You're TRVE RVLVGVVS
But yeah,
Someone listened to Black Metal 
full of Satanic Lyrics
and imagery, and said,
Preacher Voice: "You know 
what?"
"This is a great way to get 
people to go to church! :D"
[BOOM]
Heather: "Burn!"
[Young Varg laughing like a 
nerd]
Preacher: "NOT like THAT! :("
The first Unblack Metal band and
Album came in 1994
with Horde's Hellig Usvart (Holy
Unblack Metal)
Horde being a solo project by 
Jayson Sherlock.
He called his genre 'Holy 
Unblack Metal'
as a pun on Dart Throne's 
definition of Norwegian Black 
Metal
'Unholy Black Metal'
OH I GET IT NOW!
But Horde claims he's not the 
first.
There's Ansestor, who came in 
the '90s
but the record label refused to 
release their album.
Speaking of,
DID YOU KNOW that Christian 
Black Metal lyrics are censored?
No, I don't mean the 
religious record comany
Changed the Satanic lyrics to be
about Jesus just to make it
more radio friendly, but that 
the Black Metal label will take
Christian lyrics and censor them
with Satan.
Talk about bizarre role reversal
Additional fact.
Euronymous said he planned to 
disbanding the Unblack Metal
band Ancestor, but that didn't 
happen because
Varg turned him into a unicorn.
Gosh Darnit Varg, why must you 
ruin everything!!!
In fact, what is Varg Vikernes 
doing today?
Oh, he's banned from Youtube.
[Silent Victory]
HA HA
Oh, he's still on Twitter, let's
check that.
[Furious Typing]
[SMASH]
Oh, he's being a dingus there
and promoting his racist 
roleplaying game.
Oh, he's on an Alt-Right Youtube
Channel. 
Let's watch that!
[KEYBOARD ABUSE]
Varg: "I'm gonna give you the 
top five thousand reasons"
"Why I should be let back on 
YouTube!"
"NUMBER ONE"
[Woosh]
"Please"
[Watch Mojologo starts]
GOD DAMMIT, IT'S ANOTHER WATCH 
MOJO VIDEO!
Whrah!!
[Holy music in Metal from]
The main difference betwen 
Christian Black Metal and
regular Black Metal is that one 
of them takes effort,
and the other is just regular 
Black Metal.
[If this pisses off all the BM 
elitist, then I'll be so happy]
So let's talk about the most 
important part in being
in an Unblack Metal band... 
AESTETICS!
The same aestetics as regular 
Black Metal works.
Just be sure to turn the crosses
right-side up.
"nye he, take that Atheists"
[Scream of fear]
Wear black, put on panda make-up
and make a scary face
to evoke the FEAR OF GOD into 
random bystanders.
[Godly Scream]
Andreas: "Aaahhhh Jesus!"
Andri: "It works!"
For the album cover;
Make them black or white or some
other kvlt colour.
with images of trees, unburned 
churches, skeletons,
Christmas decorations, upside 
down crosses being upside down,
Satan falling down on his DUMB, 
DUMB FACE, he he he.
or those awkward band photos 
where y'all are just
standing there awkwardly holding
weapons like you're
afraid they'll break.
[Playing with cardboard]
"We need more tape"
Now to choose a band name.
You definetly want a name that 
references scriptures and events
from the holy book
THE BIBBEL
Either way, make sure to use a 
Black Metal font.
Either spikes that go way past 
the letters,
or that old Roman/Gothic font.
Since this genre is basically 
the same as regular Black Metal,
let's just speed through the 
band standard.
GUITAR
Fuzzy like a hug from Jesus.
With a lot of tops and a whole 
lot of tremolo and
E V I L S C A L E S
But play them in a
N I C E W A Y
DRUMS
Play blast beat FOR THE LORD!!
But seriously;
Play with a lot of blast beats, 
double kick,
and overuse the hi-hat and ride.
Play in 6/8 for that Black metal
swing.
But SWING FOR THE BIBBEL!
BASS
You're not useless, the lord has
plans for everyone!
Their plan for you is not music.
So just follow the band and hope
they don't notice.
VOCALS
Can yo scream amen?
[Can't Screaming Amen]
Yeah, neither can they.
But it's not about vocal skills,
It's about spreading the lord's 
message.
The message being:
HELL IS SCARY Y'ALL
KEYBOARDS
RISE UP
Play some chords that help 
people forget they're not in 
church.
For the sounds, the best one's 
are:
Piano
[Spooky Piano]
strings
[Epic(?) Strings]
Organ
[Organ Borgan]
Choir
[Halleluja Intensified]
Kittens
[Feed Me Human]
adn that Tutti Frutti thing.
[Circus Music]
[EVIL Circus Music]
MUSIC
You think all Christians play in
Major scale?
Well if that was true, they 
would all sound like this:
[Jesus friendship Intensified]
But nope.
They use Minor Scale like any 
regular Black Metal band.
So go wild with the Minor Scale!
Harmonic Minor, Phrygian 
Dominant,
and whatever tickles your funny 
bone.
Just because it sounds
E V I L
Doesn't mean it can't be
G O O D
But don't be afraid to add 
some more advanced parts that
that sweep through melodic 
passages as the
flood did on the planet.
LYRICS
The best thing about Unblack 
Metal is that
all your lyrics can come from on
source:
THE BIBBEL
But we all know most of you are 
too lazy to read,
so we at Pagefire made a short 
little summary.
[Andri waves his hand like a 
magical wizard]
[Static Staticaly Intensified]
Andreas The Narrator: Metalheads
Summarize The Bibbel.
In the beginning,
God started making the planet.
But it to them 5 days to find
the lightswitch
and realize what a terrible 
mistake they made.
Thus, changed their focus to 
gardening.
But lo and behold,
[HELLO]
Humans came and ruined 
everything
by doing the one thing they 
weren't allowed to do.
Anyways,
some stuff happened.
God got angry,
Flooded the world
and then promised not to do 
genocide again
by creating LGBT+ people.
Ironic.
[Bigotry Sound Fx]
Then some geezer split some 
water,
The first natural 20 was 
recorded,
[H E A D S H O T]
some victim complexes were 
build,
and some really messed up stuff 
happened
like murder, incest and probably
mail fraud.
History is confusing.
At some point,
Humans got so fed up with how 
weird god was
that they decided to build a 
tower and knock on gods door
to ask: "yo, what the heck?"
because God is shy, they decided
to give people individual 
languages
making them not understand each 
other,
leading to war in general.
After messing up and making 
everything worse
for everyone repeatedly,
God decided to rebrand
by impregnating some random 
chick.
That'll do the trick.
[Pregnancy]
THUS
Jesus,
The braggiest of socialist was 
born,
with 3 random geezers crashing 
his birthday party.
He told people to chill and be 
nice,
Lo and behold,
They did the opposite and 
crucified him.
Jesus: "ow ow ow"
Awkward.
[Ow Continues]
Jesus came back and wagged his 
finger at them before ascending
leaving everyone with more 
questions than answers.
This confusion led to the 
violent history of christianity.
Because humans can't follow 
simple instructions.
Case in point;
Christian Black Metal.
The End!
[Puppetry Intensified]
[Static Transition]
But seriously,
the lyrics doesn't have to be 
all Luvy Duvy about religion.
Some bands use black Metal to 
ask questons
and go for a much more 
nihilistic view.
So you could sing about how much
you struggle to find the way,
Or show that God is a coward who
left the world to chaos and war.
Or just sing about how scary 
satan is,
He's in the bibbel too I think?
[Page Flips]
(Gasp)
HE REAL!
[CHURCHY WURCHY OwO]
Now that we know the good word,
It's time to record our 
blessings.
No these jokes will never get 
old.
ANYWAY
Open up your DAW of choice and 
start praying it doesn't crash.
[Crash ._. ]
Ah, Judgement Schmudgement.
Set the tempo to whatever feels 
right.
I'm not the boss of you,
God is.
[Andri explodes cause he's a 
Satanic piece of filth]
Find a drum minion with a nice 
cathedral room reverb.
Write some blast beats,
Grooves,
and dings.
Find your Bass Player,
I think they got lost in the 
woods again.
[Visibly lost and confused]
[Aaahhhh]
Find your guitar... Oh there it 
is.
Make the guitar as Black Metal 
as the Youth Pastor will allow.
Growl the bibble.
THE ENTIRE BIBBEL
Then steal your church's organ.
[Organ Around]
Is it really a sin if you use it
to make Unblack Metal?
Yes, yes it is.
Then mix it until it's church 
approved.
[Kvlt sound of an Unblack Metal 
banger]
So what do you think?
You have such a fun hobby!
Then you throw it in a church 
and adjust the reverb.
and now you export and congrats!
You just made so many people 
worried about your soul.
But don't worry,
We're gonna make THEM worried 
about THEIR souls
with a WICKED music video that 
will save them from the wicked.
[Calm Church Music]
[NOT Calm Church Music]
[The true fear is hidden behind 
the make-up]
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!
You just made your first 
Christian Black Metal sngle!
Now go show it to your local 
church so you can
enjoy the music together! :D
[And he waddled away (waddle, 
waddle)]
[Silence]
[Not silence]
What the fuck happened?
"They said my music was fire"
[Awkward silence + fire]
THE END!
Song name: The Jugulate Stomp 
(Link in the description)
[If the ending wasn't obvious, 
we are not Christians. Lol]
