So I'm going to three weddings.
That means I get
to see three people
walk the aisle, jump the broom,
tie the knot, you know.
It's a triathlon of commitment.
Meanwhile,
I've been with my lady
for about eight years
and I have yet
to propose to her,
so this is about to be the
"managing expectations" tour.
You know what I mean?
There's gonna be a lot of
heart-to-heart conversations
after every ceremony.
I'm gonna have
to pull her to the side,
say, "Hey, baby, listen, um...
"Don't get excited by what
you just saw this afternoon.
"You know?
"These people love how
they love, you know?
"You and I...
"we got a joint Netflix account,
you know.
"I know your queue,
you know my queue,
"there's no judgment.
"You know, I feel like that,
that's love enough."
I... kiss her on the forehead.
That's it! You know, that's...
could be $7.99 a month.
I don't ask her for four.
I take that, I eat that,
I'm a man, you understand?
(muttering)
"Go ahead, baby, binge away."
And I love my lady,
but I'm just
afraid of commitment.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, that's the...
that's the thing about it,
I'm just afraid of co...
And it's...
and obviously,
it sounds cliché
for a dude to be onstage,
saying how afraid
of commitment he is.
But you know what?
I'm afraid to get
shot in the head, too, you know?
Like, a fear is a fear,
you feel me?
You know,
I'm afraid of commitment,
'cause commitment feels too much
like commitment.
You know what I'm saying?
It's like, y-you
and whoever you chose forever.
You know?
And it, it's not even
just with my lady.
It's with anything.
Like, if you want to get
a new cell phone...
you got to commit for two years
to get the new cell phone...
and you know full well,
as you're signing the contract,
there's gonna be
a phone that's gonna come out...
that's gonna
blow this phone away...
and you're gonna be stuck,
you know?
That's how I look at marriage.
It's like a cell phone contract
for infinity...
with no upgrade privileges.
(muttering)
You can upgrade, you know,
but it's gonna cost you.
You know what I mean?
Plus...
when you get married...
you can't be single anymore.
I don't know if you know that.
That's like the main rule,
that's, you just
can't be single.
You know?
So, if you're a dude...
it's no more random vagina.
None of that.
No more random va...
You got to take that
out your diet.
You know?
I'm like,
"Damn, no more random vagina?
How will I feed my ego?"
How do you feed your ego
when self-love is not enough?
That sounded like an
Iyanla Vanzant movie.
Random vagina,
that's ego-stimulant.
Random vagina, random penis
for women, you know.
It goes both ways,
you know what I mean?
'Cause it's not really about
the person attached,
you understand?
It's just the fact
that you could still get it.
You know? 'Cause if you could
still get it...
that means you still got it.
You understand?
Like... 'cause honestly,
it's really about your ego.
You would (bleep) your ego
if you could...
but you can't.
So you got to go through
this woman's vagina.
Which is cool in the moment.
You're like,
"Ah, I love myself,
look what I did,
this is the shit."
But as soon as...
you ejaculate...
you realize y'all
don't know each other.
You're like,
"Damn, this is awkward."
Now, you could do
one of two things, you know?
You could say,
"Hey, babe, how you, uh...
Let me get you a cab."
And fear looking
like an asshole.
Or you could, you could spoon
for seven and a half hours
like you love each other.
You know
the fake intimacy spoon you do
after a one-night stand,
you know.
This is somebody you don't know,
you're gonna go to sleep
with them for hours.
You got to sleep with
one eye open, you're like,
"I don't know this...
mother(bleep)."
"You better not leave
with my shit."
(clicks tongue)
Oh, shit, I'm gonna sweat
like your favorite deacon,
hold on.
Told y'all.
Plus, dudes will put their dick
in just about anything.
Personally, I want to
put my dick in an Airblade.
A lot of y'all might not know
what an Airblade is.
For those of you out there
that don't know...
that's a hot...
well, you know,
that's a new advancement
in hand-drying technology...
...developed by Dyson.
It's like a continuous stream
of warm air...
and you put your hand
and it's like...
(makes whooshing sound)
...and then your hand is
bone-dry after that.
I want to put my dick
in that shit.
I do.
It's like
a high-speed wind-vagina.
Why wouldn't you want...?
And I know it's filthy,
you know.
I know it's not the most
hygienic thing, you know,
we just got through flu season.
I know.
It's probably not
the smartest thing to do
is put my,
my penis in a...
communal hand dryer...
you know.
But that's not the reason
I haven't done it yet, you know.
Re... the only reason
I haven't done it yet
is because typically
they are too close to the door.
So, if you do it,
you got to commit to that shit,
you know.
'Cause somebody could
walk in on you,
and you're just
caught out there like,
"Oh, oh, oh, no.
"Oh... no, no, no,
these are the bathrooms.
"No, no, no, it's right over
my, my right shoulder.
"I'm just living my life.
That's just...
this is what I'm doing."
