LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU LUCKY
BOYS AND GIRLS,
MY FIRST GUEST IS THE EMMY
AWARD-WINNING HOST OF "LAST WEEK
TONIGHT" ON HBO. PLEASE WELCOME,
JOHN OLIVER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: NICELY DONE!
GOOD EVENING.
GOOD EVENING TO ALL.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU
AGAIN.
>> LET ME SAY THIS, THERE ARE
VERY EXCITABLE KAY POP FANS
OUTSIDE.
YOU HAVE NEVER TRULY HEARD
DISAPPOINTMENT UNTIL YOU PULL UP
IN A LARGE BLACK CAR, HEAR
SCREAMS OF KAY POP BAND WHEN YOU
GET OUT, NOT A MEMBER OF A KAY
POP BAND.
OH, MAYBE NEXT ONE.
>> Stephen: YOU COULD DO IT.
IT'S ALL ABOUT CONFIDENCE,
ISN'T IT.
>> Stephen: IT IS.
UCCESS IN A K POP BAND IS
90% CONFIDENCE.
>> Stephen: THE REST IS
SINGING THE KOREAN.
>> THEY FEEL LIKE JUMPABLE
HURDLES.
>> Stephen: NICE TO HAVE YOU
BACK.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE FOR
YOUR ANNUAL CHECKUP.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
WE'LL GET THERE.
I PUT THE GLOVES AWAY,
UNFORTUNATELY.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU'RE ABOUT TO START SEASON
SIX.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: YOU PROBABLY
ALREADY STARTED BUT IT
LAUNCHES --
>> WE STARTED SUNDAY.
WE HAVE BEEN PREPPING THINGS.
>> Stephen: CONFIDENCE HIGH.
FEEL GOOD?
THINK YOU'RE GOING TO SQUEEZE
OUT THE SHOWS THIS TIME?
>> CONFIDENCE HIGH?
NO.
MY CONFIDENCE IS NEVER HIGH.
SELF-LOATHING HIGH, CONCERN
ASTRONOMIC.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A CREATURE
FUELED PURELY BY ANXIETY.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: I'VE GIVEN YOU
LOTS OF HELL OVER THE YEARS, YOU
KNOW I'M JUST JOKING.
I HAVE ENORMOUS RESPECT FOR YOU
AND I KNOW THAT YOUR WORK IS
INCREDIBLY HARD BECAUSE LOOK
WHAT IT IS DOING TO YOU.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE DECAYING.
YOU ARE DECAYING BEFORE OUR VERY
EYES.
YOU WORE JET BLACK HAIR THE LAST
TIME I SAW YOU.
YOU LOOKED LIKE YOU WERE IN A K
POP BAND THE LAST TIME I SAW
YOU.
>> THE KEY IS TO START FROM NOT
A PARTICULARLY ATTRACTIVE POINT
BECAUSE THAT KNOCKS THE EDGE
OFF.
IF YOU SALT AND PEPPER IT, IT'S
JUST HE WAS MORE TIRED THAN
BEFORE, HE ALWAYS SEEMED
EXHAUSTED WITH NO REASON.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE VERY
DISTINGUISHED.
>> OH.
>> Stephen: I'M OUT OF FRENCH.
TOTALLY 100%.
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THE NEW
POLITICAL REALITY THAT YOU'VE
RETURNED TO?
BECAUSE YOUR LAST SHOW WAS RIGHT
AFTER THE MIDTERMS, RIGHT?
>> YEAH, JUST AFTER THAT, AND
THEN OUR LAST SHOW WAS KIND OF
TRYING TO WORK OUT WHY THE WORLD
SPENT 12 MONTHS IT SEEMS
SHIFTING TO THE RIGHT, WHETHER
IN HUNGARY, POLAND, BRAZIL, AND
TRYING TO FIND ANSWERS TO THE
BOTTOM OF THAT DEPRESSING
VOLCANO.
>> Stephen: WE JUST PASSED THE
MIDPOINT IN TRUMP'S HOPEFULLY
FIRST AND ONLY TERM, AND SOME
SAY THE END IS IN SIGHT.
I DON'T SAY THAT BUT --
>> I DEFINITELY DON'T HAVE THAT
KIND OF OPTIMISM.
TO SAY WE'RE HALFWAY THROUGH HIS
PRESIDENCY IS TO IGNORE THE
POSSIBILITY OF A SECOND TERM.
WE ARE TWO TO SIX YEARS AWAY
FROM IS PRESIDENCY.
( BOOING )
OH, WOW.
IS THIS A BIG TRUMP 2024 FANS IN
HERE?
>> Stephen: THREE TERMS.
THREE TERMS.
WH>> WHY NOT?
>> Stephen: HE HAS TO GO AT
SOME POINT, CONSTITUTIONALLY.
>> WE ALL HAVE SOMETHING TO AIM
AT.
WE ALL HAVE A FINISH LINE LIKE
IN A MARATHON THAT WE ALL
STUMBLE OVER, BE COVERED IN A
CAPE AND HAVE SOMEONE SAY, YOU
REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
>> Stephen: WHICH IS TO STAY
ALIVE TILL JANUARY 21, 2025?
>> I THINK THAT'S WHAT WE ALL
HAVE TO DO, ALL OF US ESPECIALLY
RUTH BADER GINSBURG.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I MEAN, LISTEN, IF SHE CAN
FUNCTION TINKERBELL STYLE AND WE
CAN JUST KEEP HER ALIVE BY
CLAPPING OUR HANDS, AT THAT
POINT PELOSI NEEDS TO GO FULL
ALLIGATOR CLAP.
BELIEVE, CHILDREN!
BELIEVE!
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: YOU STILL GET
ACROSS THE POND TO YOUR FAMILY
AND FRIENDS IN ENGLAND.
>> I HAVEN'T BEEN BACK IN 18
SNOONTS YOU TALK TO THEM ABOUT
BREXIT?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: A MONTH LEFT
BEFORE EVERYTHING GOES TEA
KETTLE UP.
( LAUGHTER )
>> YES, YES, THAT IS -- YOU
STUMBLED INTO, YES, THAT'S AN
ACCURATE PHRASE.
THE TEA KETTLE REALLY COMES TO A
SIMMER.
>> Stephen: REALLY GOING TO
THE TIN.
>> THEN WE'LL REALLY HAVE TO
DUNK THE GARABALDI, IF YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN.
TOO DEEP A CUP.
>> Stephen: YEAH, SURE.
THE THING WITH THE CURRENT
PRESIDENT, IS AGAIN, THERE IS
THAT END POINT IN SIGHT,
TECHNICALLY WHENEVER THAT POINT
IS.
WITH BREXIT, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
INTERNATIONAL DAMAGE THAT COULD
END UP BEING DONE HERE, SOUTH
VERY, VERY BAD.
>> Stephen: HAS ANY HAPPENED?
MARCH 26?
>> TWENTY-NINTH.
>> Stephen: IT'S, LIKE, IF
THEY DON'T GET A DEAL, THEY JUST
HAVE TO LEAVE WITH NO DEAL.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WHAT DOES NO DEAL
MEAN?
>> IT MEANS WE'LL SEE.
WE'LL SEE WHAT IT MEANS.
IT'S LIKE SAYING TO SOMEONE WHO
JUST JUMPED OUT OF AN AIRPLANE
WITHOUT A PARACHUTE, WHAT DOES
THIS MEAN?
I GUESS IT MEANS A MASSIVE
EXERCISE IN CONFIDENCE.
( LAUGHTER )
LET'S HOPE THIS WORKS OUT FOR
YOU.
I DON'T REALLY SEE WHAT YOUR END
PLAN IS HERE.
>> Stephen: WHAT EFFECTS HAVE
THERE BEEN, ALREADY?
>> WELL, IT HASN'T HAPPENED YET.
THAT'S THE CRAZY THING.
BRITAIN VOTED FOR BREXIT TWO
YEARS AGO.
IT HASN'T HAPPENED.
THE BRITISH ECONOMY CONTRACTED
AND THE POUND IS DOWN 13%.
>> Stephen: HAVE PEOPLE
CHANGED THEIR ECONOMIC PLANS?
>> BASED ON MOTHERLE SHEEP
FARMERS ARE DECIDING HOW MANY
SHEEP SHALL I HAVE OR SELL MY
SHEEP ALTOGETHER.
>> Stephen: WHAT YOU DESCRIBED
IS ILLEGAL.
( LAUGHTER )
THOUGH COMMON, I UNDERSTAND, IN
SCOTLAND.
YES.
( APPLAUSE )
>> I'M STILL NOT QUITE SURE WHAT
THAT APPLAUSE IS FOR.
>> Stephen: I KNOW EXACTLY.
IF YOU ASKED THEM, I'M NOT
SURE THEY COULD DESCRIBE IT.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM, YOU'RE
HAVING TO THINK SO LONG TERM.
THEY HAVE LAMBS THAT WILL BE
BORN IN POST-BREXIT BRITAIN AND
YOU WON'T KNOW HOW MUCH TO SELL
THEM FOR.
>> Stephen: OR WHEN TO SHEAR
THEM.
>> WHEN SHALL I SHE SHEAR YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO GET
CONSENT.
>> HAVE YOU EVER SHEARED?
>> Stephen: I HAVE.
I LIKE THE SMELL.
>> DID YOU?
>> Stephen: LLANO LYNN.
THERE'S A FUNK.
>> Stephen: WEEE WANT THE
FUNK, GOTTA HAVE THE FUNK.
♪ WE NEED THE IF YOU THINK ♪
♪ GOTTA HAVE THAT FUNK ♪
>> THEY'RE ALWAYS THERE.
KEEP IT GOING, AT SOME POINT,
CBS WILL HAVE TO FIGHT THE
ROYALTIES ON THAT.
♪ WE'VE GOT THE FUNK ♪
>> Stephen: DON'T GO.
BACK WITH MORE JOHN OLIVER.
WE HAVE A SPECIAL PRIZE!
