 
# Prologue

. . . . AUTHORS NOTE

My intent in writing this book is to expose the 1950's treatment of homosexuals both in Australia, England and America. Why is this important?

In 1953, England's Lord Montagu of Beaulieu with two others were arrested and tried for performing "gross offences". The trial caused a backlash of opinion that led to the setting up of the Wolfenden Committee. In its 1957 report, the committee recommended the decriminalisation of homosexual activity in private, between two consenting adults.

Thus set in train the gradual acceptance, both legal and societal, of homosexual men. The virulence directed towards gay men had grown to ridiculous heights. In the cold war atmosphere of the 1950's, witch hunts (later called the Lavender Scare) were ruining the lives of many gay men and lesbian women in the United States. Also, the parallel political atmosphere in Britain was virulently anti-homosexual. As many as 1,000 men were locked up in Britain's prisons every year amid a widespread police clampdown on homosexual offences. Undercover officers acting as "agents provocateurs" would pose as gay men soliciting in public places. The prevailing mood was one of barely concealed paranoia.

It all backfired with the Montagu trial. Sympathy for homosexuals began to escalate, gaining momentum and then culminating with the Stonewell Inn riots of June 29, 1969.

But, for many souls, the irreversible damage had been done. For many, the impact of electric shocks and chemical castration, whilst doing nothing to change one's sexual orientation, had created self-doubt and a destruction of self-worth. It would take many years for victims to recover.

Many did not.

Allan Turing (who cracked the German Enigma code in World War Two) did not, because he killed himself. The man who saved countless Allied lives in the war, was sentenced as a criminal and given the choice of either imprisonment or chemical castration. He chose the latter. Many years later he was posthumously exonerated and received a commendation. Many years later.

Gay men and women must never forget to be vigilant. In this enlightened age, Fundamental Christianity still stridently condemns Homosexuality, and when they may seem foolish, they are dangerous fools. Any form of religious fundamentalism is a threat.

. . . SOME BACKGROUND

Being gay in Australia, during the nineteen fifties, was akin to a death sentence. I just don't mean in the physical sense because the emotional trauma inflicted was sometimes worse. The nineteen fifties laid claim to the scourge of Communism and this fear manifested itself not only politically, but also in Religion. Both the State and Churches were stridently anti-communist, and woe betide anyone who looked, smelled and talked even faintly, communist. Because being homosexual was such a stigma, we were looked on as being highly susceptible to blackmail and therefore, had to be weeded out of public and corporate life. If caught and sentenced, the penalty was 14 years imprisonment. Furthermore, Buggery or Sodomy was only applicable to Homosexuals, not Heterosexuals.

During a hearing of the U.S. Senate in 1951, certain government officials talked about an alleged connection between homosexual government employees and communism. According to a government official questioned, 91 State Department employees had been removed from their position because they were found to be untrustworthy and belonging to "the shady category." When he was asked to clarify what exactly he meant by that term, he said, "they were homosexuals."

Not only homosexuals suffered during the nineteen fifties, anyone who didn't conform to the strict rules of society was suppressed. This was manna for religious institutions who used fear to induct people into the harshest application of Christianity. The advent of Rock and Roll towards the end of the era was a manifestation of the yearning to change; to escape the harshness of the fifties and for minorities to start demanding fundamental rights.

This was the atmosphere that Ryan Seaton became a teenager when he turned thirteen. In those days the Australian School System required kids to start school when they turned six and attend Primary school for six years until they were twelve. They then progressed to High School for another three years and sat for their Intermediate Certificate . This level was sufficient to begin work at sixteen. Anyone wanting to go to University had to complete two more years and sit for their Leaving Certificate. So, by the time kids turned eighteen they could either enter University or enter the workforce with slightly better qualifications than those beginning work at sixteen.

Children of low-income families only stayed in school until they passed the Intermediate Certificate because the income was needed to support the family. Whilst Public School was geographic, meaning that all the kids from the local area went to the same school, High school was anywhere parents wanted their kids to go. The richer families sent their kids to 'Posh' or Private high schools, whereas poorer families' kids went to the local High School.

Such is the background to my story.

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. . . NOW, THE STORY BEGINS

"SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!"

The expletive resounded through the silence of the bush. In fact he luxuriated in the stillness because he could truly vent his feelings without retribution. He suddenly found himself at a crossroad in life; a decision had to be made about where his life headed. Without doubt, this turned out to be the worst time of his young life.

Of course there really wasn't a decision at all, because the alternatives available were unpalatable. Looking back on these past years, it still mystified him how events had shaped his journey so far. There had been heartbreak and some funny occasions but over-all his life had been miserable, well only miserable until he met the man of his dreams; the man who undoubtably conquered his heart. And now all that was in jeopardy.

"FUCK! SHIT! FUCK!"

He didn't deserve to be in this position because he was a good person and hadn't done harm to anyone; well except for his defensive scraps with bullies at school. He'd survived a morbid family life and along the way, had acquired close friends. A victim! Yes! A victim of social rejection, of legal persecution, and a negative home life. It had been a long time between laughs.

If you plotted all these negatives on one side of the ledger, they were easily compensated by his sex life. Starting probably around his turning twelve years (he couldn't remember) he'd had a succession of sex partners and had learnt that sex was something to be enjoyed without guilt. It could be said that he'd experienced too much too soon, but what the hell, it felt bloody good. He couldn't understand why society viewed the sex act with such condemnation.

"BLOODY STUPID FUCKWITS!"

Of course he referred to the Catholic Church as the main culprit. It seems God wasn't satisfied to let his flock enjoy their bodies – which apparently he'd personally designed – he only smiled on sex that produced babies. Of course it had to be conducted only in an approved manner and position. Heaven forbid! They even used a calendar to determine when to do the act.

"CRAP!"

He was digressing now and slinking away from decision time. An awful decision, that could not only fuck up his life but others as well. Y'see that's what they don't understand, if he had to take the most obvious path then the consequences which flowed would cause irreparable harm – to all.

# Part One

## The High School Years

## Chapter One

### 1.0

It was a warm day; in this late spring season, the sun shone brightly but not too severe. Overhead the sky was a cloudless, blue. The gentle wind barely moved the trees but was enough to give some relief from the heat. This was his favourite spot; the smooth rock was comfortable enough, so he stretched his naked body and relished being alone with nature. How many times had he lain here and thought about his life in general and his family life in particular? Too many. How many conclusions had he made? - none.

I'll be thirteen soon, officially a teenager. I'm scared because I know I feel different. I'm not sick, in fact, I've got good health and am physically fit. It's me sconi. I can't help feeling that something's wrong. I feel apart from other guys; I know I'm different but don't know why I'm different. I just am. I hear other kids telling smutty jokes about sheila _s_ and somehow I know I'm not part of the mischief. I got no attraction to sheilas and I think I should. Well, ain't I supposed to? I mean when blokes are in their teens they'se all over girls and such and doin' . . . well, doin' . . . y'knows . . . gross stuff.

Just then a bull-ant made its way across the rock and he watched as it purposely headed in a straight line to the rock's edge and then disappeared. Muted rustlings in the surrounding bush told of other creatures about on this fine day. He was safe here - at least he felt safe here.

I reckon I'se bullshit. I got no reason t'feel threatened, 'cause no one's gonna hurt me 'cept Bert Cree - the cunt. I dunno why he's taken a dislike t'me. We're neighbours and schoolmates fer god's sake and should get along. Well, I do with his brothers, but not 'im. Take that last punch-up Friday after school. I know I hurt 'im and he hurt me . . . but why? Don't understand, me mum says I shoulda flatenned 'im. Why she hates the Crees beats me. But me Dad . . . reckon he's a coward, full stop. Me mate Bluey, at least he stands with me against the bastard Bert. _It's good_ t'have _someone lookin' after yer six. Wouldn't trust the cunt getting' his mates to come in if'n the fight goes against_ 'im _._

Thinking about his mate Bluey caused a slight tingling in his penis and he automatically touched himself to relieve the feeling. Then his thoughts turned to the new sensation he'd begun to experience of late. In the mornings, he'd wake up with his cock hard and needing attention. He knew his body was changing and going through something called 'puberty'. He didn't know what that meant and from all the smutty jokes flying around, his buddies didn't know either.

_What a bunch of bullshit artists. Mostly they make up stupid stories to show what big guys they were. Some kids have older brothers, so they probably know what to expect, but I've got no one. I can't ask me useless old man. If I_ asked 'im _how many schooners he could down without getting' pissed he'd know. Useless old cunt! 'im and her, they'se always at it . . . fight,_ fight _and fight. I reckon they'_ se _hates each other. How they'se got married and had a kid like me I dunno._ Yeah, _part of the reason I'se comes down here in the bush is_ t'get _away from their brawling. It's the usual, her mouth against his fist. Of_ course, _when he hits her I gotta come in and hit 'im to defend the bloody bitch. I_ hates _it! I cry_ meself _to sleep some nights. God what a mouth that woman has; she's probably what they'se_ call _a harpy, like that '_ sakepere _character. I dunno who I_ hates _the most - 'im or her._

He turned over and let the sun warm his front. The silence was so welcome after the screeching at home. Then a shadow passed, and he noticed clouds were beginning to form; not rain clouds, just heat clouds. He sighed. The rock was still warm and caressed his back and buttocks. Then the sun's warmth gentled his penis, making it expand and flop down his right leg. He loved the sensation. This led his thinking in another direction.

_What's Bluey's mate's name? Umm, yeah . . . Tomas. Why did I feel nervous when I was introduced? A good lookin' kid and a bit better developed than me. I mean, he's got more muscle on_ 'im _than I have. I reckon the_ sheilas'll _be knockin' themselves to get_ inta _his pants in a few years' time. I dunno, he looked at me real strange an' I felt weird -_ real _weird. Not unpleasant, just weird. Oh shit, here I go again thinkin' they'se somethin' wrong with yours truly._ Musta _been_ me _imagination, but I'd like to see_ 'im _again . . . dunno why. I kept lookin' at his lips, why's that. Blokes don't go lookin' at each other's lips,_ do _they? Nah, I'm gest playin' with_ meself _. Must find a way of seein' him again. Yeah, Tomas._ Hey, _where did those clouds come from? No rain but they'se blottin' out the sun._

As the afternoon progressed, the sky became overcast, but he didn't want to go home. It would only be a problem if it rained and that wasn't likely to happen. This bush, this rock, this place, was his castle, his defence against an increasingly hostile world. He'd run from home this morning after a bitter yelling spree and wagged school. He needed peace and he needed to get away - away from the harsh atmosphere that had become his home life.

_It's always the same; Ryan do this, Ryan do that, Ryan come here, Ryan he's hitting me. I reckon I should change me_ bloody _name when I_ gets _older. I hate the sound of Ryan. I mean there's never any love. Nobody's ever said, 'Oh Ryan I love you'. Never. I'm just a chattel - a thing, not a person, a thingamajig. I wish I could cry. The only one who loves me is me nanna but she's religious and I gotta listen to her go and on about Jesus this, Jesus that and what the Pope's doing lately. She's always got her head in the Catholic Weekly and reads aloud like she's preachin'. Then I gotta go to mass with her every Sunday and listen to the priest rant on about nuthin' important. Yeah but I know she loves me, so I just ignore all the religious bullshit._

He stayed until school was out and then made his way haltingly back to his miserable home life and growing uncertainties.

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### 1.1

"Hey Ryan, Ryan wait up!"

Ryan turned around at the sound of the voice and saw Tomas striding towards him with his school bag over his shoulder. Since first meeting, they had gravitated to each other and a friendship, of sorts, had developed. Ryan couldn't understand why Tomas pursued the friendship because they weren't alike. The kid was well developed for a teenager, and with his jet-black hair and tanned features, was good-looking. He also moved with a languid grace that only athletes have.

"( _Panting_ ) why are ya rushing off? Thought ya weren't keen t'get home, so why the rush?"

"Ahhh heard a rumour that that cunt Cree was lookin' fer a fight and I just don't feel like fightin' t'day."

Tomas Davis placed a friendly arm around Ryan's shoulders and squeezed, catching Ryan by surprize.

"Don't fret it, if the cunt tries anything I'll back you up. I hate the bastard too."

"Don't get me wrong, boyo, but why're you gonna help me with my fight? Ya don't knows me that well and mebe, just mebe, he might 'ave a good reason to front me."

"Nah, I knows you and I knows him. Anyway, I thought we're mates and mates help each other out, don't they; I mean we are mates aren't we?"

( _Quickly but cautiously_ ) "Yeah, yeah, yes we are. I mean yer a good mate of mine and I do 'preciate yer wantin' t'help like."

"( _Confidently_ ) I also reckon that shit-head won't try anything if'n there's two of us. Bullies are like that, they like to have the numbers on their side before they's starts anything nasty. Anyway, I feel like a punch-up today if'n you don't. ( _Hesitantly_ ) Got a bit of me own shit bugging me, and a good stouch would help."

"Wanna talk 'bout it?"

"Umm ( _long pause)_ it's nothing much . . . well, it could be. I dunno . . . me Gran's sick ( _pause_ ) . . . I reckon she's real sick Ryan. ( _Choke_ ) I think (s _oftly_ ) I think she might die and ( _emotional pause_ ) . . ."

"C'mon mate, let's sit on this bus seat ( _they sat, and Ryan put his arm around Tomas_ ) Reckon that's awful, Tommo. How old is she?"

"She's real old, about seventy something, thereabouts."

"Is yer close? I mean me own Nanna and I are close, and it'd upset me if'n she croaked it."

"Yeah, sort've; we've been good mates and she tells me I'm special t'her. I'm a bit like you Ryan, and don't get a lot of luvin'."

Ryan became quiet as he digested Tommo's revelation.

_Can't remember tellin' him that, (thoughtful) musta been Bluey. Is this why we're drawn to each_ other _because we_ don't get no _love or affection? Geeze, I do know how rotten that feels. Kids need love; we_ needs _the feel of someone carin' for us. I wanna love someone but it's hard to love when ya ain't been loved in return. My useless lot only care about themselves. In fact, the only caring they do is carin' about how much they hate each other._

"Yer real quiet Ryan, ( _concerned_ ) did I upset yer?"

"No Tommo, no. I was jest thinkin' about what ya said . . . y'know, about not bein' loved."

"Yeah, it's shitty ain't it. Y'know, I ain't told anybody else about not bein' loved. You're the only person I'se told. Can yer keep it just between us?"

"( _Earnestly_ ) Yeah, riggy-didge. But about yer Gran, she's old and hadda good life, eh. We'se young and we gotta live our own lives. Look, you and her got somethin' special, I get that, but what's important now is yer own life and what ya makes of it. ( _Hesitantly_ ) I hope I don't sound too mushy, but I like ya Tommo, and it feels real good t'have ya as a mate."

"Same here. _(Long pause_ ) The other day you told Bluey that ya had a special place yer goes to if'n yer needs peace. Care to share with me. I mean, don't wanna impose on yer private stuff but I reckon I'd like to see it"

" ( _Slowly_ ) Geeze I dunno mate, look I'd like t'share with ya but it's really nuthin, jest a spot I goes to when I got the grumps. Ain't nothing special like, jest, you know, sumthin that works fer me. _(Seeing Tommo looking glum Ryan hurried on)_ Yeah, all right, what about Sunday after _lunch_ ; how's that sound?"

"( _Contritely_ ) I feels like I put you on the spot, mate. Look let's leave it for now. I gotta go to church on Sunday and then Sunday school right after. Yeah let's leave it for now; I reckon I'se been a bit pushy and I really like ya Ryan so's I don't wanna crowd ya. I gotta special place too that I slink away to and I wouldn't want to share with anyone. Thanks, fer the invite though."

"I guess yer a Prodo eh, like ya said goin to Sunday school. What's it like?"

"Bloody boring, I hate it. All right fer little kids but I'll be thirteen soon and I reckon all this religion crap is bullshit."

"Yeah, I hate it too. Me family's Catholic and I have to put up with a bloody mass every Sunday; one boring hour of crap - me Nanna makes me."

"Umm Ryan, when's yer birthday? . . . Gotta figure who's the eldest."

"Next March, on the ninth. What about you?"

"Shit I don't believe it; my birthday's February twenty-seventh, that's when I'll turn thirteen. Looks like I'm the eldest so I can boss you around . . . young'un."

"Try it shit-face . . . "

"( _Tommo looked up and spotted Bert Cree_ ) Oh wadda-ya-know young-one, there's Cree walking towards us on the other side of the road. What say we have some fun, eh? _(And then yelling out)_ HEY BLUDGER, HEY CREE, HERE WE ARE, ONLY TWO OF US TO ONE OF YOU. I HEARD YA SAY THAT YER WORTH TWO OF ANYONE THAT WANTS T'FIGHT. WELL, NOW'S YER CHANCE T'PROOVE IT CUNT-FACE, HERE WE ARE!"

_(Then Ryan joined in_ ) C'MON MISSUS CREE, COME OVER HERE AND WE'LL TAKE YA ON! THERE'S ONLY TWO OF US SO A BIG MAN LIKE YOU WON'T HAVE ANY TROUBLE WITH JEST TWO OF US, EH. WADDA YA SAY?"

"FUCK OFF SEATON! ' SPOSE YA THINK YER SAFE EH, WITH YER BIG MATE HELPIN' OUT."

"Nah, don't feel safe; just would like t'kick yer balls in, that's all. C'mon hero, I'm ready. So, come on over!"

"Fuck off, yer not worth it. I gotta get home anyway, so it'll keep. Next time don't bring yer big gorilla mate t'help youse. FUCK OFF!"

With that, Cree left with unseemly haste, leaving the two champions with big smiles.

"( _Laughing_ ) Wow that was good Tommo; thanks, fer stepping up, appreciate it."

"Hell don't thank me, that's the best fun I've had in a long time, boyo. Anyway, I best get goin' . . . see ya Sunday?"

"Yer on. See ya."

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### 1.2

"Here you go mum, let me cut that up for you."

"( _Angry_ ) don't fuss over me, Clare. It's only chicken and I can cut my own food. I'm not an invalid yet. Don't let your own food get cold."

It was Sunday and Ryan's family had sat down to a traditional Sunday lunch of roast chicken, roast potatoes, greens, and gravy. Clare Seaton, for all her other faults, was a good cook so Sunday lunch was something Ryan looked forward to. In the winter, for dessert, they had Apple Pie and ice cream; in summer, they'd have fruit salad and ice cream. As usual, there was an undercurrent of tension at the table.

Ryan's grandmother, Merle Fitzgerald finished chewing a piece of chicken and reminisced,

"Father O'Brian gave us a good sermon today, don't you think Ryan?"

"I didn't understand much of what he said, he's such a bloody boor . . . '

'Ryan, language. I don't want to hear swearing at the dinner table."

"Ok mother, but I heard plenty worse cumin' outta yer mouth most times. Why is eating any different?"

"Because I said so, that's why."

_(Ryan's father Bill piped up) "_ Listen to your mother Ryan and don't give her any cheek."

Ryan gave his father a look of utmost contempt. He'd long ago lost any respect for him.

"Like I was saying, Father O'Brian gave us a talk on adults setting good role models for their kids. He reminded us that children look to their parents for guidance in morals, behaviour, manners, and principles. He also said that it was necessary for kids to have a good religious education."

This brought an uncomfortable silence at the table as Ryan's parents tried to look disinterested.

Shit, _the old bat's really tryin to stir the pot. Funny I can't remember the priest sayin that. I musta ben asleep_ or sumthin _._

Then,

"Gran I'd like to go to Sunday school with me mate Tommo and . . ."

'What! _(An angry Nanna was a fierce sight_ ) you can't go there because they're Protestants. You'll burn in hell if you even enter a Protestant church, let alone a school. NO! For the sake of your eternal soul, I forbid it!"

"I'm a Prodo."

Ryan's father Bill looked up and stared at his mother-in-law, who stared right back.

"It shows."

"Bullshit . . . "

"I won't have bad language at . . . "

_"(From both Merle and Bill_ ) Shut up, Clare!"

_"(talking reasonably_ ) When I married your daughter we couldn't get married like most folks do, we had to get married 'behind the altar' as your lot put it. Didn't matter to me, I just wanted to root your charming daughter and that was the only way I could."

Both Merle and Ryan's mum stared at Bill Seaton with disgust. However, Merle Fitzgerald had her dander up, and wouldn't let the last go unchallenged.

"( _Spitting her words_ ) you're an animal Bill Seaton as are all Protestants. Your lot left the One True Church and, as a result, you have no sense of morality. You're all pigs!"

"( _Sneering_ ) your calling me a pig! Ha, that's a bloody laugh. All you bloody Irish peasants eat is Pork and potatoes and swill it down with that disgusting drink you call Stout. You all start looking like pigs with yer little piggie noses and sour faces from drinking that black muck. If ya asks me . . . "

"( _Huffing_ ) No one's going to ask you, mister, because you're damned to hell. When you die you're gonna go straight to hell and burn for all eternity. All the Protestants that ever were will be there twisting and screaming in the fires of hell and you'll be like that for eternity. When I . . . "

"Mum can you tone it down a little. ( _Pleading_ ) Think what you're saying and the impact on little Ryan here. You scare me with your language, it's not right to threaten people like that. ( _Whining_ ) I know Bills not a good human being and your right about him going to hell. I mean not because he's a protestant, he's going to hell because of the way he treats me, his wife, a poor woman who tries . . . "

"Oh, shut up you bleating, whinging bitch . . ."

"( _Outraged_ ) how dare you call my daughter a bitch! How dare you. You're just a drunken bastard that spends all his money on booze and your crummy mates - all drunkards the lot of you."

"Oh, I'm a drunkard am I. You calling me a drunkard? Well, then only reason I drink is to get away from your fucking, whinging, whining, bitch of a daughter and you and your popish, caterwauling priests. You remind me of a piece of slime . . ."

'( _Firmly_ ) I wanna change Gods . . ."

"How dare you say those words . . . Eh? . . . What? What did you say, Ryan?"

There was complete silence as Ryan's statement was recalled.

"What did you say, dear, I didn't hear you with all the language going on."

"I just said mum that I want to change Gods."

( _Merle_ _Patiently_ ) "You can't change gods Ryan. As I've told you, there's only one god and he exists as God the Father, God the Son, and the Holy Ghost. There, it's all laid out in your Catechism. If you have questions ( _unctuously_ ) ask any nun or better still, ask Father O'Brian."

"Geeze Nanna, yer not makin sense. How can three coots be one fella? And who's this Ghost bozo? How'd he get a seat at the table?"

_"(Getting flustered_ ) Now look hear Ryan, read your Catechism; it's all there. Just accept that the One True Church is correct."

"Listen ( _hostile_ ) you old bag, don't pan the kid off like that. He asked you a question and I'd like you to give him an answer. I agree with him - what your lot teaches don't make sense. Go one ya big Irish piggie, answer him."

"I've sat here and listened to you insulting my mother and I'm fed up. You're a lout, a protestant lout at that, so keep your gutter mind to yourself. Once again, after all my good work, you've ruined lunch. What I've had to put up with all these years . . . "

"Oh, shut it, Clare! Now Ryan, back to your original statement, why d'yer wanna change gods?"

"Well, _(looking sideways at his Nanna)_ I don't like this current bloke; he's not nice, he's a bloody monster."

At this Merle puffed up with indignation and pounced on her grandson.

_"(Raising her voice)_ A monster Ryan, you called god a monster! How dare you! ( _Ryan flinched_ ) Our God is a kind, loving, caring and gentle being who loves us, looks after us, and accepts us into his bosom when we die. _(Glaring at her son-in-law)_ Those that belong to the One True Church anyway. ( _Pause_ ) Watch your tongue young man or you'll burn in hell."

"Listen you piece of Irish slime; don't you threaten the kid like that. That's child persecution and you'll burn in hell for it. No, . . . let me finish old hag. The kid's entitled to have his say. Now Ryan, why d'yer think gods a monster?"

"Well, take that story about the guy in the boat _(everyone looked puzzled)_ . . . "

"Oh, you mean Noah's Ark?"

"Yes, Da, him. Why did he have to kill all the innocent animals? I mean maybe the humans weren't a good lot, but the animals had done nuthin wrong, yet he drowned them jest the same as the bad humans. I reckon he's a mongrel and I ain't gonna worship him."

There was utter silence in the wake of Ryan's statement because there was no logical explanation to answer his concern. Merle bristled but had to shut up. Clare, finding no way to whinge about herself, shut up and toyed with her apple pie. On the other hand, Ryan's dad, in a rare display of affection, bathed his son with a fondness and love he'd not done for a long time.

It was an awkward silence for the adults, and a bit fearful for Ryan who was expecting his Nana to cuff him about the ears. The crisis passed when his mother,

"Ryan, what footy team are you playing for this year? I like to watch boys doing a bit of rough and tumble. Makes for a good character to have a bit of rough stuff for a growing lad. Maybe you'll be a star one day like ( _naming a well-known football player)._ He gets respect wherever he goes. I mean with those wide shoulders, powerful legs, and fantastic muscles he's the sort of person . . ."

'The sort of person you'd like to screw eh? Yer just a whore Clare, lusting after someone who, after all, is just a thug!"

"HE'S NOT!

"Is too. Word is that he beats his wife and likes young boys."

"LIAR! He's not queer. Poofters are disgusting evil creatures . . ."

"Well ( _from Merle)_ are going to be sent to hell and die a thousand painful . . . "

." . . disgusting evil creatures that deserve to be punished. Anyone with half a brain at all can see that _(naming player again)_ is a man and definitely not queer. He's a man Bill Seaton and someone who our Ryan should look up to as a role model. So there; and Ryan, you're playing football this year and that's' that!"

"I'm not!"

"You are!"

"Bullshit, ya can't force me. If you do, I'll get the cops on ya. Me teacher said that if any of us kids get abused by our parents we have to tell the cops. And I will. Anyway, what's a poofter?"

No one spoke; this was a subject too sensitive for practicing Christians. His dad answered,

"Anyone who molests young boys and has sex with other men. Now drop it, Ryan, go help yer nanna with the lunch dishes."

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### 1.3

After helping with the dishes, Ryan met Tommo around 2 p.m. It was a beautiful day with still a bite in the sun, so they decided to head for a swim. In the 1950's, where Ryan lived, it was mostly bushland and in the middle was the local dam that gave the area's drinking water. It was a large body of water and provided many discreet places for swimmers. On the way, Ryan related the happenings at lunch - to Tommo's amusement.

"Geeze yer nanna seems a bit of a tyrant, eh. I don't dig that hell stuff, do you?"

"Nah, but that's the ways she's been brought up and at her age, she's too old to believe anything else. I just can't cop her trying to push that crap down my throat. I got my own thinkin what's different from hers, but I love the old cow and not gonna distress her if I can help it."

They arrived at their favourite spot, a sandy beach secluded from passers-by. Like all young boys, they enthusiastically stripped naked then frolicked in the cool water. All the cares of the world, from family to school, and adult pressures, vanished in the joy that only cool water can deliver. For over half an hour, they splashed, wrestled, and laughed at each other, until they called it quits. Stretching out on their stomachs, they let the sun dry their bodies and warm their naked skin.

Bliss!

Ryan chanced a look at Tommo lying with his face turned away.

Geeze, you'd never think he's only twelve. Got the body of a fifteen yer old with those muscles. I ain't a slouch, and they tell me I got a wiry frame that'll make a good athlete. Must be his genes that he's so well developed; I only hope I can put on a bit of meat soon, so's I stop lookin like a twig. But I knows I'm strong and . . . and . . . yeah, I reckon me cocks a goodun. That's all that counts . . .

"Heard from Bluey, Ryan?"

Ryan was nudged out of his thoughts.

"Nah, not lately. He's taken up with that sheila Mandy Simpson and I ain't heard nuthin."

Silence.

"Yeah, it's a shame ain't it. I mean a good bloke like Bluey gets all moony over a bit of gash and forgets his mates. I reckon it's a rotten shame. Bloody sheilas!"

"Yeah, bloody sheilas!"

Both boys became quiet, as there seemed nothing more to say on the subject. Ryan turned over so and let then sun warm his front. Immediately his penis accepted the warmth and began to inflate.

"What do yer think of girls?"

"Wadda ya mean Tommo? I . . . ah, don't think of girls, much. Wadda ya mean?"

"Do yer like them? I mean not friendly like but y'know, sexy-like. D'ya get a stiffie thinkin about them?"

"Nah, not really . . . umm, no I don't. That's why I can't understand Bluey wanting t'get into Mandy Simpson's panties. Yuk! Nope, don't turn me on."

"Me neither. I'd rather have a good mate than go chasing after some skirt. Tried having a yadda with me cousin, but all she could talk about was clothes and spilling the dirt on her friends. Boring as shit."

Silence. Now Tommo turned overexposing his naked front. Ryan glanced over and watched as Tommo's cock swelled up. He was a little surprised at the conversation they were having and decided to ask the question that had been on his mind of late.

"D'yer think we'll grow out of it? I mean d'yer think we'll start likin' sheilas as we get a bit older?"

"Shit, I dunno. Maybe, maybe not. I can't see meself getting married and havin' kids like. Of course, me mum would want that. Y'know, grandkids and such. It just don't appeal t'me at all."

"Me neither. I mean just lying here with you starkers and getting' warm after a swim is my idea of a good time. I couldn't do this if'n you was a sheila . . . "

"Shut It! I ain't no sheila . . . "

"Steady, didn't say you were; just sayin' I couldn't do this if me cousin was here instead of you. What I'm tryin' to say is that being with you here, like this, makes me feel good. I likes it."

"Yeah, sorry. Just that I'd hate to be a girl. The thought turns me stomach ( _Pause_ ) Yeah, yer right. I really like bein' here with you Tommo. I . . . I feels close t'ya like we're close mates, real close. I guess I never had the same connection with Bluey that I have with you. Shit, I sound like a lassie and getting' mushy like. Sorry."

"Don't. I feel the same way. I mean, I feel the same way about you. It's good feelin and hope it never goes away."

"Same here."

I dunno what's happening but I'm enjoying talking with Tommo. I ain't embarrassed about talkin' personal stuff and I'd like to go further. I dunno what's happening but it feels good.

And Tommo,

Something weird I feels about Ryan. I like looking at his body even if it's a bit scrawny. I feels something for him that I've never felt before with any bloke or sheila. Nope. Never been attracted to any girl like I'm attracted to Ryan. Feels really good.

"Tommo, you gonna play footy this year?"

"Nope, not into all that bash and barge stuff. I love swimming and I'll concentrate on improving my times at the local heated pool. What about you?"

"Same here. They tell me I'll make a good athlete so I'm gonna try out for the school team. Gonna piss me mum off though, she wants me to play footy because she reckons it builds character . . ."

"Oh, that's bullshit! I reckon footballs just for apes like Cree who need to bash kids up legally. On the field, they can bash the shit outta each other and get a pat on the back. Nope, not for me."

"Yeah Tommo, but next year we'se in High School and I think they make ya play footy there; at least that's what I heard. Hey what're yer plans for High School?"

"They're gonna send me off to some Christian boarding school in the country. I don't wanna go, 'cause I wanna go to Manly High. What about you?"

"It's up in the air. Me bloody mother wants me t'go to a posh private school in the city. I don't want to because I know it costs heaps and we're not loaded. I reckon Manly High is good enough; at least some of our mates will be there whereas at the other school I'll know no-one. Not a bloody soul. The last place I want to end up is some Catholic torture house that me Nan recommends. That would be the pits. Anyway, we'll just have to wait and see; last week's comin' up and then the hols can't come soon enough."

They spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying the atmosphere and each other's company. Soon time was against them and they had to return to their homes. In Ryan's case, not a home but where he existed.

<><><><>

## Chapter Two

### 2.1

"Hey mum, I'm home and starving. What's to eat . . . "

Ryan, as usual, raced in from school, closed the front door with a bang, and then stopped suddenly. In the hallway, his mother lay on her side with her arm outstretched clasping an empty pill bottle. She was unconscious. For at least ten seconds he just stood there in shock, dumfounded at the sight and unable to process the scene. Then his subconscious goaded him into action.

Where was nanna?

"Nanna, nan, where are you. Oh my god nanna where are you?"

He raced through the house only to find it empty. Then he remembered it was a Wednesday, and his nanna went to Bingo at the Catholic Church, usually didn't get home before 5:30 pm. He returned to his mother and not knowing how to take a pulse, he just kept shaking his mum who was out cold. He couldn't detect any sign of breathing and he panicked. His mother maintained a book on the phone table in the hall, with all important phone numbers. His hands shaking, he clumsily thumbed through the pages looking for emergency numbers. He started to sob in frustration until he came across a number for the local ambulance.

By now, he was frantic: waves of panic coursed through him as he dialled the number. Eventually,

"Hello, Ambulance Station. State your emergency."

"Oh Jesus ( _sob_ ), it's me, mum. I think . . . she's gone and kilt herself. Please hurry . . . ( _sob_ ) please hurry mister . . . ( _Choke_ ) I dunno what to do . . . oh, Jesus help me . . . please hurry!"

"All right lad stay calm . . . "

"How can I be calm, mister, me mums lyin here dead like and yer askin me to be calm . . . I'm only twelve, and I . . . "

"All right lad, what's your address? Where do you live?"

"Umm . . . err . . . I think, yeah umm . . . ( _sob_ ) 16 Simpson Street, Harbord. Not far from the Dam. Can yer hurry please; I don't think she's breathin? Oh shit . . . please god, don't let her die ( _crying softly_ ). I'm sorry mum . . . "

"What's your name son?"

"Eh . . . err, Ryan yeah, Ryan."

"All right Ryan, an ambulance is on the way and should be there within ten minutes. Can you tell me what happened? Take your time."

"I dunno what happened? ( _crying_ ) I jest got home from school and found her . . . dead like with an empty pill bottle. Oh, sweet Jesus, she's gone and kilt herself ( _crying softly)_ I dunno what to do. Oh, Jesus mum, why'd ya have t'do it."

'OK, Ryan just stay with your mother and keep talking to me. Don't think bad thoughts, wait for the Ambos get there. You're a brave boy Ryan and you've done real well, you've been very brave. Is there someone you can contact - perhaps your father?"

"Nah ( _sob_ ) he's at work and I dunno where he is . . . out on some job somewhere . . . he's a plumber. There's me Nan but she's at bingo down the local church . . . "

"Is that the local Catholic church?"

"Yeah . . . "

"That's Ok. What's her name - her name Ryan if you can remember it."

"Umm . . . Merle, yeah Merle Fitzgerald . . . why?"

'We'll contact her so don't you worry anymore. Help's on the way. You've been a good boy Ryan, you should be proud of yourself. Can you hear the ambulance siren yet?"

"Yeah, . . . yeah, I can, thanks."

"All right now go out front and wait for the Ambos to pull up. They know what to do, so leave it in their hands. Off you go now - and Ryan . . . good lad."

The ambulance drew up outside, and the Ambos quickly exited with their emergency paraphernalia; at Ryan's urging, they rushed into the house. Clare Seaton was still lying on her side and it appeared to Ryan she hadn't moved. Quickly they checked her vitals . . . and sat back confused. There was nothing really wrong with her. Her pulse was normal, her heartbeat normal, her breathing normal. Except for being in a deep sleep, she was normal. What the hell was going on?

The senior ambo, James looked at Ryan and announced,

'She'll be OK lad, she seems to be OK. We'll take her to hospital and pump her stomach just to be on the safe side, but she's OK."

He'd buoyed himself up to expect the worst, and now he simply let go; it was like letting the air out of a balloon. Sobbing uncontrollably, he sagged at the knees before collapsing into James's partner's arms. He was out cold. Ryan was now in a far more serious condition than his mother, so they rushed to treat him. Fearing the onset of shock, they administered to him in an effort to alley any further serious deterioration. Then he was securely wrapped in a warm blanket, placed on a stretcher, and transported with his mother to hospital. He was so far out to it he couldn't even enjoy the sound of the emergency siren.

When Merle got the news at Bingo, she became frantic and a friend offered to drive her home. On arriving, the neighbours informed her that both Ryan and his mother had been taken to hospital. She was confused, no one had said anything about Ryan being ill, so she asked the same friend if he could drive her to the hospital. She was understandably upset.

On arriving, she was told that her daughter was resting comfortably but her grandson was still in a coma in intensive care. What the hell was going on? She demanded answers at the duty nurse's station.

"I'm the boy's Grandmother and I insist I speak to someone who'll tell me what's happening! I was only told that my daughter had apparently taken an overdose and was being rushed to hospital. What then, is my Grandson doing here in Intensive care? Will someone please tell me what's happening."

"Look . . .?"

"Merle, Merle Fitzgerald!"

"Mrs Fitzgerald, all I know is that your grandson, Ryan, was brought in with his mother in the same ambulance. He's apparently suffered some form of collapse. That's all I know for now . . . "

"Can I at least see him? He's only a small boy; if anything happens to him, I'll never forgive myself for not being with him when he got sick. Please, I've got to see him!"

"Just a moment."

The nurse made a phone call, relaying Merle's request and waited for a reply. When she hung up, she addressed Merle in a kind voice,

"The doctor said it's OK. He's in Intensive care on the second floor. Just go to the nurse's station and give your name."

Hurriedly, Merle found the Intensive Care Unit and the senior nurse told her that Ryan was in the last bed on the right. When Merle saw him, she felt like crying. Ryan was unconscious, with wires going from his body and connected up to monitors overhead. He looked pitiful. With nothing else to do, she just held his hand and let her thoughts wander.

_I've got to find the underlying cause of this. Clare's obviously done something to the boy and he's ended up like this. The marriage is a disaster and the child's at risk. But what can I do? I can go live with my son - he knows how bad the situation is - but I can't leave Ryan alone with them. NO, I've got to stay if only for the lad's sake. Look at him, just lying there with all those damn wires attached. Breaks my heart. First off, I'll have to find out about my daughter. Someone is going to tell me what happened with her or my names_ not _Merle Fitzgerald._

Further enquiries led her to her daughter's bedside. She was sleeping peacefully, snoring quietly, and looked rested. Just then a doctor came up,

"Umm you're the women's mother I hear ( _Merle nodded)_ Can you answer a few questions please?"

"Not until I get some answers from you. I want to know exactly what happened. Why is my daughter lying here asleep whilst my grandson is in Intensive Care? I'll not move until I get some straight answers."

<><><><>

### 2.2

Slowly Ryan emerged from his light coma and, not knowing where he was, became terrified.

Where am I? What's that monotonous sound? What are all these wires for? Why is everything so dim? Is this hell?

"Welcome back, young fella. Can you tell me your name please?"

'( _Slowly_ ) Umm . . . err, Ryan . . . me names Ryan. Where am I?"

"You're in Manly Hospital, you're OK, but I want you to lie still whilst we disconnect some of these wires."

Slowly the kind face of a young doctor emerged, and Ryan turned his head to watch as some wires were removed from his head and chest. Thankfully, the annoying beeping stopped.

"What happened? Where's me mum? _(And then a he remembered)_ Where is she? Is she ok? Please . . . ( _frightened_ ) is she dead?"

'No, she's fine Ryan. Nothing for you to worry about. We're more worried about you; you gave us a real fright, passing out like that. You're OK now; the instruments all show normal vital signs, so there's nothing to worry about. Just rest and regain your strength. Are you hungry?"

Yes, he was, so the doctor arranged for a plate of jelly and ice cream to be brought in. This was devoured with gusto. But the area was spooky. All around him were patients - mostly oldies - hooked up to wires with machines blinking and making the same sounds that he's heard before. He wanted out, to go home to familiar surroundings, so he called out.

<><><><>

### 2.3

" . . . so, to sum up, we believe she only took 5 tablets, enough to put her to sleep but in no way was there any danger to her life. It looks like she faked her attempted suicide with someone in mind as the target. It could only have been her son, Ryan. Mrs Fitzgerald, this becomes a concern when a minor is deemed to be at risk. It . . . "

"Ryan at risk! You think my grandson is at risk from my daughter, his own mother?"

"Yes, we do. Have there been any other instances, where she's tried emotional blackmail - if you'll pardon the term - directed at her son? We need you to be frank with us Mrs Fitzgerald, for your grandson's benefit. By the way, my field is Psychiatry and I'm concerned for your daughter's mental health."

Merle sat back and stared at the Doctor in utter disbelief and horror. In the 1950's mental health problems were highly embarrassing and a social stigma. There never had been any hint of insanity in Merle's family and the thought her own daughter might be mad was horrifying. Then she remembered that last month Clare took off leaving a note for Ryan saying she was leaving her unhappy life and going to live somewhere else. The note was dripping with emotional torture.

Again, coming in from school Ryan found the note and in panic rode around and around on his bike looking for his mother. She was eventually found, sitting at a bus stop for which services had finished for the day _._

Merle was now faced with dilemma. She couldn't tell the doctor what happened, as surely, he'll commit her daughter to an asylum. Even though she's not well, she was still her daughter and she had to protect her.

But did she have the right to protect her if she's going to cause harm to her grandson? No grandmother should have to face such a dilemma. She needed to decide but couldn't, shouldn't and wouldn't.

"You're very quiet Mrs Fitzgerald. I repeat, have there been any other instances of abnormal behaviour by your daughter?"

"No, of course not. Until today, she's been a wonderful mother and wife. I don't know what happened to her today. Perhaps she had an argument with her husband; I don't pry into affairs involving my daughter's marriage."

The doctor nodded but remained unconvinced. Clare Seaton was discharged about 6 pm the same day, whereas Ryan was kept in overnight and discharged the next day.

It's easy to be wise after an event but as time would show, a vital danger-sign had been ignored.

<><><><>

### 2.4

On the Saturday following, Ryan met Tommo at the bus stop and they ambled through the bush to their swimming spot at the dam. On the way, they talked of nothing but Ryan's ordeal.

"Geeze mate that's a real 'orrible story. I can't believe yer mum would do that t'yer. Mums are 'sposed to be caring and loving and protective. Your mum sure ain't any of those. I hate to say it boyo but she's not a nice mum. What're ya gonna do?"

"Well I can't rubbish her; maybe she's sick and needs help. She's still me mum Tommo and I can't bring meself to hate her. What she done weren't good, but what do I know about adult's problems. I don't reckon she'd do it on purpose just for no reason. At least I gotta think that."

"Yeah, I suppose ya gotta. Shit mate, I'se glad it's you not me."

By now, they reached the little cove and sat watching over the water. It was much too cold to go swimming, so they sat together with bodies touching. Ryan had spent hours going over what happened, but nothing made sense. His mother had said she was sorry but effectively turned the whole matter back on herself. It was all about how unhappy she was and how miserable her life was. She didn't seem to understand the trauma she'd caused her son. His father was blunt.

"If you do that again to Ryan I'll give you a good kick up the arse. You really are something Clare Seaton, something really disgusting." He hid his own emotions in booze.

Ryan was scared. As a kid, he needed to feel secure and know that his parents or extended family were looking after him. When he confronted his situation, only his Nanna could be relied on for support, and she was very old, in her late sixties. If she died, he'd have no one. His uncle Bob had his own family and problems; he wouldn't need an extra mouth and another responsibility.

_I don't the fuck know what to do?_ Me _old man's too fond of the booze to rely upon and I don't think he cares for me._ Me _mum's a head case and bloody useless. I get the feelin' that she wants me to look after her. She's often said that I'se the only one she can rely on. Geeze what a mess. Me nan might be a religious nut, but I reckon she loves me in her way. Nah, she's old and could croak at any time._ Shit, _what a mess._

"What's on yer mind kiddo?"

Needing to confide in someone, he started to pour his heart out to Tommo, and, suddenly, the dam broke. He started deep wrenching sobs that shook his whole body. Tommo held him close and was almost as upset as Ryan.

"Geeze ( _sob_ ) Tommo, I don't know what to do ( _crying quietly)_ I'm all alone, there ain't anyone I can turn to for help. I'm an orphan just about. It's a bloody mess . . . "

"Sshhh; I'm here for you Ryan. I won't let anything happen to you, _(putting his arm around Ryan's narrow shoulders)_ cry as much as you want, ya deserve it. I reckon yer family's been real bad t'ya mate. Go on cry a bit. Let it out."

Without any planning, Tommo leaned his head closer and kissed Ryan on the temple. It was a gentle kiss, full of concern and brotherly love. Ryan showed his appreciation by placing his arm around Tommo's waist and squeezing.

Ryan felt peaceful; it was so warm and cosy sitting here with their arms around each other. This small drop of kindness, this small gesture of support, this enjoyable physical contact, calmed Ryan even more so than the drug the Ambos gave him. Then Tommo,

"Hey Ryan, can we be blood brothers?"

"Wadda ya mean, blood brothers?"

"Here I'll show you."

With that, Tommo took a penknife out of his pocket and with a sharpe point pricked his middle finger making blood to flow. Then he took Ryan's middle finger and did the same. With blood running, he squeezed their fingers together so that their bloods mixed. It was a powerful gesture and its meaning was not lost on Ryan.

The level of intimacy was such that Ryan felt his heart beating fast. He wanted nothing more than this peace to last forever. Also, a strange new feeling had coursed through him; he didn't know what it was, except it felt good.

<><><><>

### 2.5

Ryan reached his secret spot and sat down on the lukewarm rock. It was several days after his meeting with Tommo and a beautifully fine day. Sydney's weather in winter can be magic at times with clear windless days giving sufficient sunshine to tempt the hardy into a swim.

However, Ryan wasn't interested in the weather, he'd come here to think because he was frightened. Since the moment with Tommo, he'd had sleepless nights, loss of appetite and confusion - lots of confusion. The more he thought, the more he became convinced. He became scared, and at the same time tried practicing denial. He needed solitude to face his dread.

He was alone. He wouldn't jeopardize his friendships with Bluey and Tommo by telling them of his despair. He couldn't talk to his parents, because surely, they would blame each other for his sickness. His nanna was deeply religious, so any form of confession would only hurt the old girl. If he sought help from teachers at school, surely the word would leak, and he'd be endangered. Imagine what Bert Cree would do with the knowledge he was a queer. He thought about going to confession, but all that would do was give the priest an opportunity to vent and lecture him on mortal sins.

Alone, alone, and alone. The fear ebbed and flowed around him, never giving him peace. The thought of suicide came and went. He was made of stronger stuff.

No, he just had to survive in spite of his secret. He thought perhaps getting a girlfriend would cure him but deep down, in his heart of hearts, he knew this could never be.

. Sighing he thought again about Tommo.

_I reckon I know what that good feeling I had with Tommo was. At least I think I know. At the same_ time, _I don't want to know because it's scary and . . . and, bad. I wish it hadn't happened; it might've felt good but, at the same time, it can only mean one thing. I can neither face nor accept the reality of what it means. I_ . . _. I'm gonna say it out load now. I've gotta say it aloud._

"( _Loudly_ ) I was aroused."

_There, I've said it. Yeah, aroused. I can remember feeling me cock starting to grow as we sat there cuddling and although I hate to admit it, I was excited. I've been close to sheilas before, but they never affected me like Tommo did. When he joined our two bleeding fingers together, I felt another rush. Maybe it's only because we're close friends and I'm lonely; maybe that's all it is. But as much as I've tried to deny it, I wanted more . . . more physical contact; something that involved me cock._ Oh, _Jesus, Mary, and Joseph please help me; I can't be like this, I don't wanna be like this, I can't live like this. It's awful, it's painful, and it's deadly. I'll be killed, sure as anything. But I've gotta say it so's I can deal with it! (Long pause)._

( _Sob_ ) "I'm a homo."

With that confrontation, Ryan began to cry softly. Although only twelve - now closer to thirteen - he knew how society treated homosexuals. This was 1950 and, in many countries, homosexuality was outlawed, and severe penalties imposed, including the death sentence. There was no respite. Even considering the legal aspect, society was hostile, the church preached outright condemnation, and amongst schoolkids, it was an invitation to physical violence. The medical profession treated homosexuality as a disease and offered only aversion therapy as a cure. Aversion therapy in the form of electric shocks and chemical experimentation. In England, convicted Homosexuals were given the choice of either jail or chemical castration.

It was a terrible time for a young boy to discover he's homosexual. And so, Ryan approached his thirteenth birthday and a brand-new school, damaged, fearful, and despairing. Fear became a constant companion at home, at school, and at play.

## Chapter Three

### 3.1

". . . you mark my words, Clare, sending Ryan to an expensive Public school will cause problems for him and you. Even working, you can't afford his school fees let alone uniform, books, and equipment. There are many decent and inexpensive Catholic schools locally, and he would have the benefit of a good religious teaching. However, he doesn't want to go to a Catholic school so, while I'm disappointed, you should let him go to Manly Boy's High with his mate Bluey. This is . . ."

"NO! I don't want him mixing with riff-raff at a local school. I know all about James Wheeler (Bluey) and that tart of a mother Mandy (Wheeler). They're trash, and I don't want my son associating with her son. Also, mother dear, that whore next door, Linda Cree, is also sending her offspring to Manly Boy's. She's a common slut who tried to snare my husband - the weak bastard that he is - and I'll never forgive her . . .

Or him

. . . for waving her putrid fanny underneath Bill's nose. I nearly laughed my head off when she ended up with that ape-man Fred Cree. They deserve each other, they do. As . . ."

"What are you going on about Clare? I started talking about Ryan's education and somehow, you've brought it back to yourself. It's about my grandson, not you."

"Shut up mum; I know what's good for my son, not you. At a Private school, he'll meet the right people and establish contacts that will help his career. The Grammar School has a very successful football program that's good for his future development. I'll find a way with the money, so I don't want to hear anything more about it."

"You always did have your head in the clouds, Clare. You're not fooling me. This isn't about Ryan it's about you wallowing in the prestige of having your son in a Private School. It will end badly, you mark my words."

"Honestly mother there are times I want to scream at you. You never cared about us kids wanting to better ourselves. We could've gone to proper finishing schools but instead, you let that bastard father of mine waste all the money on booze. Fitting wasn't it, that he died falling of the church roof blind drunk. What an apt way for a drunkard to go; I reckon the money . . . "

"Don't you dare talk ill of your father, especially now that he's dead. I'm ashamed to have such a vindictive daughter like you ( _Pause_ ) Once again you've brought the discussion back to yourself. You are the most exasperating person I know, Clare. If I had the money, I'd take Ryan away from you and that protestant creep you call husband. I'd let him go to Manly Boy's High where he wants to go."

"Well thankfully that's not going to happen and for what it's worth you can leave anytime you want. Go and live with my low-life brother why don't you, that's if he'll have you."

At this point, Ryan arrived with items his mother had requested from the local grocer's shop.

"Are you and nan still arguing? Just once I'd like to come in and find some peace."

"It's not me Ryan it's your grandmother attacking me as usual. I'm the one who does the cooking, ironing, washing, housekeeping and paying the bills. For my pains, I am abused both physically and verbally. Do I hear anyone say 'We love you Clare' or 'thanks for making breakfast' or 'that was a great dinner'? No, all I get is abuse. Why I keep going is a testament . . . "

"To you loving to be a victim, daughter! You wallow in misery and play the suffering role as often as you can. It was no different when you were little. I had to put up with your continual whinging, whining, and harping about how you suffered from neglect. Actually, you were successful because your father and I spent most of our time addressing your imaginary misfortunes. The other kids suffered because of your whinging. May I remind you that to be loved you have to love in return. Never once, and I repeat never once, did I hear you tell any of your siblings that you loved them - you just expected them to love you without you loving them in return. And another . . ."

"Wow, that's a mouthful. You always did enjoy putting me down, didn't you? _(Turning to Ryan_ ) You see dear what your mother has had to put up with all these years. Even your own nanna hates me. It's a pity you came home early that time and saved my life because it would've been kinder to let me die. I crave peace and the only peace I'm going to get is when I'm dead. When I'm gone you'll realize . . ."

"OH, shut up Clare, you're disgusting. You're frightening the lad and I find that despicable, truly despicable. Go outside Ryan, your mother's talking drivel and you don't want to hear anymore. Go outside and play dear."

"Yes, go outside Ryan and keep a watch for the postman."

Ryan needed no urging and departed the malicious atmosphere quickly. To him, staying in the house was not an option. Both women were warming up for another verbal showdown and he wanted no part of it. He knew, somehow, they'd drag him into the affray if he stayed.

With Ryan gone Merle turned on her daughter.

"You are headed for a serious problem with Ryan and it has to do with your expectations. Wha . . _. (Clare tried to interrupt)_ No, Clare, let me finish. You expect him to excel academically, you expect him to be a star footballer, you expect him punch up the young lad next door, and I daresay you expect him to marry and give you grandchildren. All these expectations, all these expectations Clare, are your expectations. Have you considered what'll happen, if the lad can't live up to them? Will you berate him? Will you penalize him? Will you shun him . . . Eh? What will you do daughter? No one person has the right to impose his or her expectations on another. I didn't. With you, I didn't . . . and neither did your father."

"Oh, save me from your geriatric dribble. My father did absolutely nothing for us kids. The booze and his mates were all he could think about. As for Ryan, he's my kid and I'll do anything to make him a success. He won't let me down because he loves me and knows that everything I do is for his benefit - his ultimate benefit. You'll see, just you watch and see. Now go and read the Catholic Weekly and let me get on with my chores."

However, Merle just sat and shook her head sadly. She already sensed trouble.

<><><><>

### 3.2

Ryan sat on the front fence and relished the peace and quiet. It was sunny again with a cool but refreshing autumn bite in the air. He wanted no part of the scene inside.

_I 'spose in a way that It's good me Nan's living with us. She's a boring nut when it comes to religion but she's old, and if that's all she's got to make her happy, well good luck to her. At least she stands up to me mum and the boozer when they'se dumps on me. For an old_ boiler, _she's Ok; at least I can talk to her about school things. This reminds me . . . ahh here comes the Postie. Geeze, he looks a bit young t'be a postman. Musta left school early, I reckon._

The person in question carried a large bag on his back and held mail items in his right hand. He looked to be a bit confused so, being curious, Ryan strolled over to him.

"What's up mister, you look a bit baffled."

"Yeah, I'm new to this. In fact, today's my first day and I don't know the route too well. Makes matters worse that there's no street numbers shown on any houses. If I stuff up and put the wrong mail in a letterbox, me boss's gonna fire me for sure. Can you help? I mean what's the number of your place. If I knows that I can work out the others - I think."

"( _Laughing_ ) yeah, we're number 16 so yer can easily work out the other even numbers this side. I'll walk with ya until yer ready to do the other side, which will be the odd numbers, Ok?"

"Hey, thank you. Why d'yer think there's no numbers in your street?"

"Yeah I asked me Da one time and he said that when the Japs were threatening to invade, the council took down all the street signs."

"What for?"

"To confuse 'em if they'se landed here in Manly. Then some of the owners decided to remove our street numbers as well. Bit of an over-kill I reckon."

"I reckon, yeah. ( _Pause_ ) Say, what's yer name?"

"Me? I'm Ryan. What's yours?"

"Gus, no other name, just Gus. Me full names Angus, but I never use it. You're lucky with Ryan 'cause yer can't shorten Ryan, can ya?"

"Nope, ( _Laughing_ ) 'cept I've been called some other, not so kind, names."

( _Smiling_ ) Same here. Most of them that bad-mouth me are arseholes anyway, so I take no notice. Bit hard at times though."

"Where do yer live, Gus? I mean do you live local?"

"Home's up country in Narrabri. I came down here to find work. Parked me caravan out near that dam and straightway got this job with the Post Office. I'm not too bright, I mean didn't even pass the Intermediate, so I have to just do manual work. Suit's me though, I couldn't work in an office because I love bein' outdoors."

"Lucky you, no I mean it. If yer doin' what you likes, then I reckon that's important. I'm a bit like you 'cause I don't like school, but me mum's got high-flying plans for me and I know I'm gonna disappoint her. She's got me goin' to a posh school whereas I wanted to go to the local High school with some of me mates. Count yerself lucky Gus."

As they were talking, Gus sorted the mail numerically and with Ryan's help, he managed to get the mail in the right letterboxes. They stopped for a break when there was no more mail for this street.

Surprisingly, Ryan found Gus pleasant and when they'd finished he was reluctant to see him go. There was an awkward pause as the two boys faced each other. Gus was about a head taller with brown curly hair; he was good looking in a rough way, and strongly built. His uniform pants were too tight so when he bent over his cute bum stared at Ryan.

There was silence until,

"Look I gotta thank you for helpin' me. Wouldna had a clue otherwise. Hope ya don't mind but I like talkin' to you. You'se been nice and friendly-like, which I appreciate. Commin' down here straight from up country I thought it'd be hard to make friends or just to get to know folks. ( _Sigh_ ) I'd like to keep chatting but I gotta finish me route. Will you be home tomorrow?

"Yeah mate. I'm on me school holidays and don't have a lot to do. In summer I'd go swimming but now's a bit cold. If yer Caravan's near the dam, I could . . ."

"How old are you?"

"Me . . . I'm thirteen and can't wait . . ."

"I'm sixteen. Is it a problem that I'm three years older than you?"

"No, of course not. Maybe it's the other way round. I mean are you Ok bein' friendly with some kid three years younger?"

"Doesn't matter. What matters is that we enjoy each other's company, that's all. Well, best be going. See you tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow mate."

<><><><>

### 3.3

"( _Angry_ ) . . . no shit-face, I won't. I won't join you in your nasty with Ryan Seaton. He ain't done nuthin to me and as far as I can tell, he ain't done nuthin to you, big brother. You're always scraping with him . . . why? He belted you up real good last Friday and yet you won't stop this bloody hostility. I reckon you won't stop until either of you'se'll be hurt real bad, so what's the point?"

"( _Sneering_ ) Yer a coward Geoff. . .."

"( _Outrage_ ) Don't you dare call me a coward! How can you say that when you've watched little me take on big forwards on the footy field. No, I'm not a coward, but you're stupid!"

"( _Mollified_ ) Yeah well, I grant you're Ok on the footy field, but this is a matter of family honour. You heard Pop tell about how he hates the Seatons, so if it's good enough for Da it's good enough for me, and it should be good enough for you. I love him and that's all that matters."

"( _Moderated_ ) Yeah well, I love him too, but it doesn't mean I have to do every fuckin' thing he asks. What about Mum, I don't hear her ranting about the people next door. Although I ain't heard her say anything good, but she don't encourage us to belt each other up either. Just leave me outta yer war Bert."

Silence, as the two brothers just glared at each other.

"Ok Geoffrey, I'll do it meself. Just a sec _, (a thought crossed Bert's mind)_ have you been cosying up to Seaton sorta friendly like?"

"Yeah, I have. Once you get talkin' to Ryan, he's a good bloke. Now before you go losing it, I'll talk and make friends with who I likes."

"( _Mocking_ ) Oh, now the bastard's turned me own brother against me. He's a mongrel is Ryan Seaton, a bloody mongrel. I'm gonna . . ."

"( _Scorning_ ) Oh piss off Bert! You make me sick. Piss off and go and wallow in yer hatred - leave me out've it. Perhaps you should ask Pop why he hates the Seaton's so much. Go on, ask him and see if he gives you a good reason to go the biff with Ryan."

<><><><>

3.4

Ryan was sitting on his front fence waiting for Gus. He'd been thinking about their talk yesterday and decided that Gus was a good fella, someone he could relate to. With Tommo away at boarding school and Bluey spending all his time with his girlfriend, Ryan was lonely. It was good to have someone to chat with, someone around his own age. Being three years younger wasn't a problem with him - as long as it wasn't a problem with Gus. His musing was suddenly interrupted by,

"Well look who's here, eh. My, don't you look good today. I bet yer mamma bathes you and makes yer hair all pretty like. Does she wipe yer bum after you've had a shit, eh? Maybe she gets off sniffin' her young'uns poo, does she lay ya down and stick her nose in yer arse-crack? You may think yer shit don't stink, but I bet she enjoys a good snuffle. I 'spose she's proud of her pretty girlie . . ."

Ryan's good mood evaporated. He jumped off the fence and met Cree head-on so that they stood toe to toe in a fighting stance.

"( _Sneering_ ) Jesus Cree you've got a filthy mouth and a filthy mind. You're disgusting. Whatever issue you reckon you've got with me leave me mum out've it, Or else . . ."

"( _Challenging_ ) Or else what? Or else you'll punch me? Is that it? Well Ok, it's just you and me now Seaton. You don't have that cunt Tomas backin' you up, so any time you want to mix it I'm here boyo. And I do have issue with you; seems you've done turned me young brother against me now. The idiot thinks yer all right and likes being friends with ya. I don't know what . . ."

"Yeah well Geoff's intelligent and sees you for what you are - an ignorant mental case, a monkey who shouldn't be let out've yer cage. Bet yer favourite foods peanut butter, Eh? And leave Tommo out've this because it's just between you and I, or should I say between yer father and me, because as I see it yer just doin' his cowardly work."

"AAAHHH you cunt! I'll kill yer for that!"

Bert Cree launched himself at Ryan and both boys went down in a twisting, punching, kicking and gouging mass of fury. It was no holds barred and no quarter given such was the ferocity of the fight. In the space of a few minutes, brutal punches were scored, and blood flowed freely. The onslaught continued unabated, as both boys sought dominance. It became a question of who could inflict the most pain and probably render the other unconscious. Then magically, a pair of strong hands appeared out of nowhere and pulled the antagonists apart.

Gus, the postie.

Like two alley cats, they tried to get at each other, but Gus's superior strength held them apart. Gradually the rage subsided, and they stood with chests heaving glaring at each other.

Gus looked from one to the other trying to suss out which one still had any dangerous fight left. The noise had drawn Geoff, Bert's brother out to the street and he helped Gus to keep the two foes away from each other.

"What's the matter boys? Why this bloody punch up? Are yer trying to kill each other?"

Silence. The antagonists stood still with heaving chests.

"Hey mister, I'm this one's brother and I'll take him inside to get cleaned up. Thanks for stopping these idiots from killing each other. They'se always at each other's throats."

"Ok, thanks . . .?

"Geoff."

"Right on. Take yer brother away and I'll look after Ryan here. Do you know what or who started it?"

"Hey, I'm here and I'll tell you. Cree started insulting me mother and I took issue with him. Then he attacked me. That's it, simple."

"Bullshit Seaton, bullshit. You called me Da a coward and I'm not gonna stand by . . ."

"ALRIGHT! alright. Geoff please take yer brother away and clean him up. I'll try and do the same with Joe Lewis here. Nice to meet you anyway."

After Geoff departed with a reluctant big brother in tow, Gus turned to Ryan.

"Here sport, let me use me hankie to wipe some of the blood off. If the amount of blood determines who won, I reckon it's you 'cause he's got more blood flowing than you. So how about it champ, what's it all about?"

"Nuthin really. Me and him have been at each other's throats since I can remember. It's sort of a family thing. ( _Pause_ ) His family hates my family and us eldest are left to do the fighting. I don't even know why we've gotta fight. I mean, I'm friends with Geoff and he ain't got any quarrel with me. I guess sumthin happened in the past involving our families and . . . and, well, here we are."

"( _Astonished_ ) Geeze what a mess. From what you tell me it's between the two fathers to sort this out and shouldn't involve you kids. Have you asked yer dad about it?"

"Yeah many times. All he says is just past bad history and for me to leave it be. That I'll understand when I'm older."

" _(Stunned)_ That's it! That's all he said. Well I can't get involved but from where I'm standing it's up to the two adults to sort it out - not, and I repeat not, you kids. C'mon I've gotta finish the mail drop. "

With that, Ryan followed Gus around as he did the mail. Eventually,

"With you helping I'm a bit ahead of schedule, so's we'll have time for a chit-chat. Any place where we can sit?"

"Yep my place. Mum and nan have gone shopping in the city and won't be home till about 5 p.m. Me dad don't get home till after six – ( _laughing_ ) when the pubs shut. C'mon in and I'll get you'se a cold drink."

So, cold drinks in hand, they sat on the broad back steps. Once again, it was a lovely day - sunshine, cloudless sky, and no wind. At Gus's prodding, Ryan gave him a short run-down on his family life. Gus listened with increasing incredulity.

"( _Alarmed_ ) That's fuckin' horrible. Why d'yer reckon yer mum pulled that stunt? I mean to do that to a kid like you ain't right. No sir, it ain't right. It's bad mate, real bad."

"I guess so. Why, I dunno, except I know she ain't real happy like. Sometimes I wish they'd split so's I can have a relationship with either of them without all the crap. I know me Nan's disgusted with the way they carry on. ( _thoughtfully_ ) You should meet her Gus, she's alright is me nan. Bit churchy but I suppose that's because she reckons she'll die soon and wants to make sure she gets to heaven. She's country like you - from Boggabri."

"Yeah, I know it. went there for a school trip once. Not much of a place though. She musta grew up on a property, eh?"

"I dunno, just that she's had a hard life. Makes me mad that she's gotta put up with me parents crap when she's old. Not right."

Gus sipped his drink as Ryan continued,

"What about you Gus; are you married or got a steady girlfriend?"

Pause.

"( _Carefully_ ) Nah, women are too much trouble, always wantin' you to spend, spend, spend on them. Add to that their constant nagging and bitching. Nah, not for me. I can do without them."

Ryan was silent as he digested this.

"( _Alarmed_ ) You don't approve, eh? D'yer think I'm weird not wanting to have a sheila in me life. C'mon out with it, you can be straight with me."

"( _Confidently_ ) Nope, it's not weird. Fact is I admire ya. I mean from what I've seen sheilas are nothing but trouble. I know that my mum makes me dad's life miserable. I don't wanna be like him. Anyway, I'm just not attracted to schoolgirls. I mean all they talk about is how to make themselves beautiful and what dresses they're gonna wear. Nah they're weird."

"Atta-boy, I can see we're gonna get along. Surprises me how alike you are to me at your age."

"( _Troubled_ ) So ya don't think I'll grow out've not liking girls. Some of the kids, even at a posh school, are always raving about this one having nice titties, or that one leg's and so on. Boors me it does, boors me. A big yawn. Maybe I'm weird wanting to spend me time with me mates rather than chasing skirt. Wadda ya think?"

"Don't fret it. Look at me, I can go wherever I want, do whatever I want, be friends with whoever I want, and can spend me money as I want to. Wouldn't change that for a piece of fluff."

Silence. Long pause.

"( _Friendly_ ) Say Ryan, has yer dad given you a talk about sex? I mean I remember when I was your age my body started changing and things began to happen that worried me. Do you have any worries?"

"( _Cautiously_ ) yeah, heaps. No, me dad hasn't said a word. All I know is what I hear from kids at school and I reckon it's mostly buillshit. I don't have any relationship with me father. We can hardly talk to each other."

"That's a shame; I'll see if I can help. Do you know how babies come about?"

"Oh yeah, a bloke fucks a sheila and puts stuff into her. Nine months later a baby pops out of her twat. Don't know much more than that, except I reckon it must hurt."

"( _Laughing_ ) a bit crude but well said. What do you know about yer own body, I mean how to pleasure yerself?"

Geeze I dunno how to answer that. He's getting' personal and I gotta be careful now. But Gus's been straight with me and I reckon he's a good friend. Got nuthin to lose so I'll be honest. Might learn a thing or two.

"( _Embarrassed_ ) I'm real horny all the time, Gus. Me cock seems to have a mind its own, like I can't control it. If I masturbate I feel all guilty because the priest says that's a big sin and I won't go to heaven. D'yer reckon that's right?"

"( _Forcefully_ ) Nah, it's bullshit, religious bullshit. I mean priests are the worst. When I was about your age, I got seduced by a priest and he fucked me; all I heard was him moaning, not praying for forgiveness. They're hypocrites."

"Wow, can you . . ."

"( _Interrupting_ ) Look boyo I've gotta finish me rounds, but let's continue when I've got time and you're free. I can tell you all about sex and yer body, but not now. Do you know where the caravan park is?"

"Yeah, I knows. Which one's yours?"

"The big blue one. The rego's NP 3652. Can you find it and come by about 2 pm Saturday?"

"Yeah, no problem. I'll look forward to seein' ya."

"Right, that's settled, see you then."

## Chapter Four

### 4.1

That night Ryan couldn't sleep. He kept going back to the talk with Gus about sex. He wasn't concerned; on the contrary, he was excited, because he didn't know where all this talk would lead. He liked Gus and had to admit he was physically attracted to the older boy. Just thinking about what might happen excited him.

I didn't know a bloke's bum could look so good even with pants on; when he bent over me cock started misbehaving. (Sigh) Should I be concerned about Gus physically abusing me? No, twice we've met, and I never got any vibes about him being aggressive. No, he's just a country kid, not well educated, that's come down to the city to earn some money. Yeah well, what do I want to happen? Like me, he don't like girls, so I assume he's a homo like me. Well, I hope, don't I? I mean I want some action and pulling me pud ain't gonna satisfy me for the rest of me life. I reckon that's what's making me nervous, I don't know what to do, and I need someone more experienced to show me. Shit! Now I'm getting' horny and I should rub one out . . . No, no I won't, I'll save it for Saturday.

###  <><><><>

### 4.2

." . . sorry I haven't been in touch lately mate; seems you, Tommo, and I, have gone in different directions since we started High school. ( _Sheepishly_ ) Also, I've been spending time with Wendy, you know, Wendy Garson. She's got me tied around her little finger, so to speak, but she's . . ."

"( _Laughing_ ) Yeah, we've noticed. She's stuck to you like glue; I hope she's worth it."

They were sitting on Ryan's back steps and comfortable in each other's company. Ryan and Bluey went way back to kindergarten years and had always been friends until recently when Bluey started chasing girls. As far as Ryan could remember Bluey, whose real name was James Wheeler, got called 'Bluey' because of his reddish hair. Other than that, he was a well-built youngster and fanatic about sports. In the main he preferred cricket, but in the cooler months, he played football. His muscled frame attracted girls, although his reddish hair also added to his mystique.

At some stage, Ryan had fantasised about Bluey, but when Tommo came on the scene he stopped dreaming about Bluey.

"I don't know mate, I'm getting' a bit sick of her. Anyone think we're married the way she goes on. I just might tell her to piss off, there's plenty more sheilas around. I reckon . . . _(changing the subject_ ) hey, what're you doing Saturday night?"

"Nuthin much. I gotta go somewhere on Saturday arvo around 2 p.m. with me Nanna but doin' nuthin' on Saturday night. Why?"

"Because Fatso Keenan is havin a party at his place. Callin' it our 'coming of age' party, we've all turned thirteen and entered High school. All the old crowd from Primary school's gonna be there - 'cept Tommo of course. Fatso's oldies are easy-going about music, dancing, girls, and such. Of course, they said no grog but _(winking at Ryan_ ) Fatso says he's gonna stash some grog where the oldies can't see it. It's gonna be a blast. You in?"

"Yeah, yeah absolutely. _(pause, as a thought occurred_ ) Umm, what about Bert Cree? If'n him and I . . ."

"He ain't been invited, so don't fret it. He's a mongrel he is, and Fatso don't want any biff goin' on at his house. I already talked to his brother Geoff and told him the way it is. Geoff's Ok to come, but not his brother. He understands, so don't worry, it'll be a super night. I'm thinkin' I'll get pissed and ditch Wendy. There'll be plenty of good sheilas there and, err . . . what about you, are you seein' anyone special like?"

"No, I don't know much about girls. They're a mystery, they are. Umm, ( _Ryan paused before bringing up this new topic_ ) . . . have you, I mean have you done anything . . . err, sex like? And don't bullshit me."

_(Bluey became quiet_ ) Aaah . . . Seeing it's just you and I mate I'll tell yer honest like. No, not really. Wendy lets me feel her tits but that's it. I tried to play with her fanny once, but she slapped me hand away. Bloody bitch. Gawd, don't I get randy. I swear me balls are set to bustin' at times; I gotta go home and . . . and, you know. I'm still a virgin but if you tell anyone else I'll pulverise ya. Promise ya won't tell!"

" Course I won't. I mean, I'm a virgin meself so if was to out you, you'd out me, right?"

"Done. Sometimes all I can think about is getting right up some sheilas pussy and fuckin' the shit outta her. I get the hornies real bad mate. I reckon my first time I'll spew a bucket of cum, I'm that bad. Anyway, let's change the subject; you been doin' anything exciting lately?"

"Nah, been quiet not doin' much. Cree and I had a run-in the other day, and that's been the only action I've seen."

"Yeah, heard about it. Musta been some biff; I learnt he was bleedin' like a pig afterwards. Wish I hadda been there to see it. Did you ever find what it's about? I mean I know he's an animal at the best of times, but there must be a reason he's agro with ya."

"Nope, no-one knows. I've asked me dad but just got the usual run-around that grown-ups give to kids. Me mum's no better. I reckon Cree don't know himself; according to Geoff he's just doin' what his old man says. Pretty sick."

"Yeah, anyway enough of that. Now back to the party, I reckon we'll have a blast. Oh, by the way, have you heard from Tommo?"

"Nah Bluey, not a word. Must be hard in Boarding school, you don't get much privacy. I knows he weren't happy about goin' up country, but his folks insisted on sending him to a good Christian school. Like me, he didn't have a say in it."

"Yeah, I was hoping you'd come to Manly Boy's with me. ( _Laughing_ ) I can't sorta see you mixing with posh kids; you're one of us."

"Right-on mate. Some of the kids are Ok, I mean the ones that are on a scholarship, are jest like you and me and not stuck-up. I'm sorta friends with a bloke called Jimmy Tandara. He comes from, would you believe, Bankstown and he's on a scholarship and don't go about tellin' everybody how rich his old man is. Good bloke. Other than bein' a bit snobby, it's not a bad school. Trouble is, I know me parents can't afford the fees, so I reckon I'll be goin' to Manly Boy's after the Intermediate."

"Sounds a bit stupid sending you to a posh school when they can't afford the fees. I bet it's yer mothers doing. I always felt she looked down on me somehow. Then I told her I was playing footy and she started talking to me. Guess she likes footy, eh."

"Think it's more about likin' footy players. I think she'd like to get into ( _naming a player_ ) pants."

"( _Laughing_ ) Ryan that's a rotten thing to say about yer mum. ( _Giggling_ ) That cracks me up."

"Yeah well . . . anyway, what time Saturday night?"

"Come about half six or thereabouts. Fatso's providing all the necessaries, food, drinks, plates, cups, and anything else. Just bring yerself and ( _laughing_ ) I'll find ya a nice bit o' skirt to fuck if'n ya wants."

<><><><>

### 4.3

" . . . come on in. Seems ya didn't have any trouble finding me digs. C'mon in and make yerself comfy."

Ryan was nervous. He stepped up into the Caravan and looked around. It was a simple layout with a double bed up one end, and a lounge area up the other. In the middle was a kitchen and a toilet. Surprisingly, it was very tidy and smelt clean. All day he'd been getting anxious about meeting Gus and now, being here alone with him, he became uneasy. Gus was wearing only a pair of shorts and a singlet that showed off his muscled chest. Ryan was impressed with the muscles on Gus's legs because they looked strong and well developed. He decided that Gus was an attractive young man even at sixteen and then he thought about his own scrawny frame.

Before coming out he'd worried about what he should wear, finally deciding on a white tee shirt, jumper, and jeans. When he studied his nude body in the mirror he saw a good-looking youth on the verge of manhood. Not all his frame was completely muscled, but the definition was starting to appear. He still had his summer tan, and this gave his face a fresh and boyish look. He was on the threshold of manhood, or more correctly, on the threshold of sexual maturity.

Whatever was about to happen, he wanted to happen.

"How about we sit here on the lounge; would you like something to drink? I've got soda for you and a cold beer for me. What kind of soda would you like?"

"Can I have a beer?"

"Umm, you sure you can handle beer?"

"Yep, one ain't a problem. I've drunk beer before and like the taste."

"OK, I guess one ain't a problem, let me get them."

After Gus set two large glasses of beer before them they settled back on the lounge sofa. Ryan immediately had a large slug of his beer.

"What d'yer think of my digs?

"Terrific, _(taking another quaff of beer_ ) I bet it don't cost much rent-wise, eh."

"Hey steady on with the grog, there's no need to be nervous because you're the boss. We'll just take our chinwag at your pace. If at any time you feel uncomfortable just tell me - it's your call mate."

"( _Slowly and sounding relieved_ ) thanks, Gus. Look, I've been looking forward to meeting you for a real talk because I like you; you seem real friendly and I don't have any friends that I can talk to . . . y'know, about personal stuff."

"I know what you mean. When you're a kid growing up in the country you don't have the opportunity to make close friends. Being lonely is part of a country kid's daily life. The stories about blokes having sex with sheep may be funny but some of them are true . . . true and pathetic."

"Understand, at least I think I do. Even though I've got friends I'm still lonely; sometimes I feel really down and just slink away by meself to try and feel better. I've got a private place in the bush that I go to when I get a dark mood. I don't know why, but . . . _(switching thoughts)_ hey, I'm sorry, am I boring you?"

"No, no of course not. This is your time to let it all out. I sensed you were troubled and all locked up inside. That's why I suggested we meet private like, so you can unload. As I said, you're the boss."

"That's why I like you Gus, you're any easy person to talk to, and I feel really comfortable and safe with you. I just hope I don't sound like I'm griping."

"If you do I'll tell you. Now go on, what were you going to say."

"Yeah, about me dark moods. Sometimes I just sit in my secret spot and . . . and . . . cry. I bawl like a baby. I don't know why I'm crying but I just do. Then when I'm cried out, I feel a bit better. Then I go home to my rotten family life. Then the misery starts all over."

"You told me, and I can't believe your parents carry on the way they do. As you tell me you've got no father, and a mother that only thinks about herself whilst wallowing in self-pity. You're left to be alone at the time in yer life that you need comfort and security. ( _Hesitantly_ ) Look, I know I'm no substitute, but I'd like to try and help. Nothin' you tell me is gonna matter as long as you want to unload. I'm here for you Ryan."

Pause.

"( _looking up at the older boy_ ) You're a good person Gus, why do you want to help a scrawny kid like me? I've got dark secrets that's unfair to dump on you. Why would you want to hear my crap when you've probably got yer own stuff to handle. Why?"

"Forget the why; would these dark secrets have anything to do with you not liking girls? . . . No, let me finish. I'm the same as you kiddo, I don't like sheilas either and I've accepted that I don't and never will. We're in the same boat and rowing in the same direction. Am I close?"

"( _Long pause_ ) I, I . . . I guess so, yes. Geeze, I gotta tell someone, Gus because It's tearing me apart. I don't understand but I just feel different and there's no one I can talk to accept you. ( _Pause_ ) ( _long pause_ ) Yes, I don't feel attracted to girls at all. I've tried; at night I try to get a stiffie thinking about they'se bein' in the nude, but nuthin happens, nuthin. I don't know what's gonna happen t'me as I get older, I mean about marrying and havin' kids. I just know it ain't fer me, and I feel bad."

"Wow, nothing you've said surprises me, boyo. I went through just what you're going through now and, yes, I was about the same age as you, perhaps a little younger. I also felt lonely and scared. Then I found I was attracted to other boys and realised that, rather than being frustrated, I could still have a successful sex life without girls. The difference between you and me is that I've had sex with other boys, but you haven't . . . have you?"

"( _Carefully_ ) No, no I haven't, but I understand what yer sayin'. I felt attracted to a mate of mine called Tommo, but we haven't done anything. He's away now in Boarding school so we don't see each other. The thing is I don't know nuthin about having sex with fellas, cause I'm ashamed to say, I'm a virgin."

"Don't be ashamed, because there's nothing to be ashamed about. Also, don't ever feel guilty about sex; it's your body and you have every right to enjoy the pleasure your body provides and no one, I repeat no one, can sit in judgement on yer. These churchies will try to interfere and tell you what you can and cannot do with yer body. They're wrong! Only you can decide what's good and what's bad. I suppose I'm not making any sense and probably confusing you more."

"( _Hastily_ ) No, no, no . . . wow, what you say makes sense. I just never thought about it like that. No, you make sense Gus and I gotta thank you. I'm starting to feel better now."

Gus moved closer and put his arm around Ryan, who accepted the overture and snuggled closer. They stayed like this for several moments. Then,

"I gotta say, Ryan, I like you a lot, a real lot. If you'd let me I'd like to kiss ya. Would that be alright?"

"I . . . I . . . I guess so."

With that Gus gently lifted Ryan's chin up and, very slowly, leaned down and kissed him. To Ryan it was magic. Someone was offering him love and using physical contact to express that love. Gus's lips touched him gently and sent Ryan's sensual responses soaring. Having no prior experience to draw upon, nature reacted and filled Ryan with a hunger to return the offering. Automatically his own lips challenged Gus passionately and, for the first time in his life, Ryan experienced true desire.

With his arms folded around Gus, he answered his tongue invasion with frenzied passion. He was beyond joy, beyond any sense of right or wrong, this, this intimacy was what he craved and had been craving for some time. Other physical responses were at work. His heart started hammering, his breathing quickened, and his penis inflated painfully. Time has no meaning in intimacy, but at some point, they drew apart from each other.

Ryan was breathless; he looked up at Gus with wonder but couldn't speak. Then Gus,

"Jesus mate that was fantastic; I've imagined kissing you almost from the first time we met. I don't believe I've enjoyed kissing anyone as much as just now. I love just holding you and breathing in your male aroma."

Gus's words thrilled Ryan and for some time he just enjoyed the close proximity of another male.

"I never thought kissing could be so great. It was magic and the feelings that I experienced I can never image having with a girl. I'm sure now of who I am. My first kiss . . . it was more than I ever hoped. Except . . . it's left me cock painfully hard. Can you . . ."

"( _Laughing_ ) me too, here, feel me."

Gus took Ryan's hand and placed it on his rock-hard penis. Desire engulfed the boy and with Gus's encouragement, he undid the fly buttons allowing Gus's manhood to be exposed. He gazed in wonder at a decent sized cock, which was leaking a clear fluid.

"Go on, touch it."

Needing no further encouragement, Ryan's small hand encircled the offering and gently squeezed, causing a small drop of moisture to escape from the head. He marvelled at the velvety feel of the engorged flesh. It was warm, moist, and very hard. So different, it was so very different from the feel of his own erection. His arousal level hit a new high and he contented himself with just sitting there watching and feeling the older boy's manhood.

"Hey boyo, I'll have an accident if you keep that up. C'mon let's go to the bed, it'll be more comfortable. I'm gonna give you pleasure you've never had before. Remember what I said before, if anything I do makes you feel uncomfortable, tell me."

They moved to the bed area and Gus took control. Still standing, he slowly removed Ryan's shirt, then his jeans, then his underwear and finally his shoes. For some reason Ryan didn't feel embarrassed by his nudity; he just stood and let Gus admire his body.

"Oh wow! Young man you're gonna have a fantastic body by the time you're eighteen or so. Even now, I can see muscle outline developing; you look sexy as hell, you're a knockout. Come here, let me feel you . . . Oh wow!"

Gently Gus laid Ryan on his back and maintained eye contact whilst he stripped. First, he discarded his singlet, then stepped out of his shorts, and finally pulled down his 'Chesty Bond' underwear. Ryan had seen kids his age nude, but never a young well-built male. Though sturdily built, Gus had little or no suntan, but his impressive muscles reflected years of working outdoors from a young age. His strong pectoral muscles and powerful abdomen bespoke of strength and power. Whilst his shorts enhanced his leg muscles, when viewed without any covering, these surely were the legs of Adonis.

What followed was, for Ryan, an opening into a world of pleasure, an unforgettable journey. All his inhibitions vanished as he became captivated in this new world of gratification. Gus, rather than being a partner, became a teacher and introduced the youngster to the joy of sex.

Slowly he stimulated Ryan's erogenous zones, teasing, arousing, and probing. He stoked Ryan's nipples until they were hard nuts, then his finger rubbed Ryan's perineum and probed his anal opening. It was when Gus started sucking his toes that Ryan experienced true bliss. All through this Ryan's arousal intensified until he was almost begging for relief. Agony and ecstasy became inseparable until he couldn't stand it anymore. He begged and pleaded until eventually Gus obliged by swallowing the boy's penis. The resulting orgasm was more intense than anything he's experienced before. Gus didn't demand anything of Ryan to satisfy his own needs; all he asked is that they kiss as Gus climaxed. In fact, Ryan became the aggressor and kissed Gus relentlessly.

Over the course of two hours, Gus introduced Ryan to the beauty of gay sex. At some stage during the afternoon, he allowed the lad to penetrate him and thus, at the tender age of thirteen, Ryan lost his virginity.

As the sun began its westward descent, they lay side by side, emotionally and physically exhausted from the past two hours. Ryan could only wonder at the sensations and ecstasy he'd enjoyed at Gus's hands. In the afterglow, he didn't feel guilty or ashamed; on the contrary, he was elated. Gus had made sure he was comfortable with everything they'd done together, and at no time did he feel the older boy had taken advantage of him. Even when Ryan requested Gas penetrate him, the older boy declined saying it was too soon and may harm Ryan.

Around four-thirty or so, Ryan remembered tonight's party. Not wanting to disturb the sleeping Gus, he dressed himself, jumped on his bike and peddled home. Memories of the encounter returned to him in fragments, causing a smile and a renewed flush of desire.

Should I feel guilty? Should I feel ashamed? Maybe, but I don't, because it all seemed so natural and fun. I don't feel abused or taken advantage of. Rather, I feel lucky, lucky that my first sexual encounter was so considerate and respectful. Respect, yes that's the way Gus treated me; he treated me with respect. In a way, I'm lucky because I hear stories of other kids being sexually abused by grown-up's, making any future encounters traumatic. No, it's all good. I just have to make sure no-one suspects why I look and feel so good.

Whilst this was their first encounter it was by no means their last. Every time they met Ryan experienced new delights and grew comfortably into sexual maturity.

<><><><>

### 4.4

" . . . C'mon Wendy, don't be such a bitch, give me a break. Why do I have to say I love you all the time? Fer god's sake, we're just kids; anybody'd think we'se were married or such. Look, I like ya, ok; I don't know what love is, I'm too young and don't want to go steady like a married couple. Surely you can understand . . ."

"Understand? Yep, I understand, Ok. I understand you're a liar because you tell me you love me but don't mean it . . . you lied to me James Wheeler and I . . . I (sob) . . . (crying) . . ."

"Oh, fer god's sake stop crying. C'mon let's enjoy the p . . . Hey, look who's here . . . Ryan Seaton . . . ( _Waving and shouting_ ) Hey, over here Ryan."

When Ryan walked around the back of Fatso's place he found the party in full swing. After spending time with Gus, Ryan felt different. In a way, he felt superior; whilst his mates only indulged in wishful thinking, he, Ryan Seaton, had gone all the way and indulged in sex that his friends could only dream about. Sure, it had been with a guy, but what did that matter. Sex was Sex, weren't it? He had vivid memories of the orgasms that had consumed him, especially the one after penetrating Gus. That was magic. Surely, it was the same, if not better, than fucking a sheila. The sound of Bluey calling him brought him back to reality and he ambled over to where Bluey was standing with Wendy. She didn't look too happy.

"G'day kids, what's happening?"

"Glad you could make it. Here, look after Wendy and I'll go get some grog. Good t'see ya man."

Ryan turned his attention to Wendy and asked why she was crying.

"( _Sobbing_ ) James is being horrid. You wouldn't tell a girl you loved them if you didn't mean it would you Ryan? I care for him so much, but he lies to me. Tells me he loves me when he doesn't. He's a bastard."

"Hey, hold on Wendy, yer crowding him too much. Can't ya just be friends without all the drama? If ya care for him a lot, give it a rest. We're just kids after all, and no one wants t'get serious - well, not at thirteen anyway."

"Yes, I know that, but I can't help having feelings, can I? I haven't looked at another boy, so he knows I'm loyal . . ."

"See that's it. Why don't you find someone and make him jealous? That way you'll know if'n he likes you a lot. Find someone and make a play for him - or her."

"( _Screeeech_ ) Oh, that's disgusting, I don't prefer girls; that's repulsive. I'm not queer. I know some girls and boys prefer their own sex, but it's illegal and sinful. You should be ashamed of yourself Ryan to mention that subject. Yuk!"

"Hold on Wendy . . ."

Just then Bluey returned with two plastic cups of beer and a soda for Wendy.

"Hey, here you are. Drink up, Fatso's got plenty of booze to get rid of, and . . . hey, am I interrupting something. Why are you glaring at Ryan, Wendy?"

"Your mate here accused me of being queer, and I . . ."

"No, I didn't! Jesus Wendy, how you twist things, I meant it as a joke. Why do you have to be such a drama queen? Boy am I glad you're not my girlfriend."

With that, Ryan walked away, but almost immediately, Bluey caught up with him.

"I don't know what happened, but you certainly got the bitch riled. ( _Laughing_ ) She's still fuming. Anyway, I'm through with her, she's too much trouble. She won't put out fer me so's I ain't losing nuthin. Good one mate."

"You owe me, pal. Anytime you want me to fix up yer sex life just let me know, eh. It's free."

"( _Pausing and studying Ryan carefully)._ What's with you bro? You look and sound different. What gives?"

"Bullshit! I reckon the beer's getting' to ya. I ain't no different, just the same as usual."

"Hmmm, no somethings different, but let's drop it. I'm gonna get pissed now that the cow ain't hanging around me jock strap."

So, the boys mingled and as the forbidden booze flowed freely, the party became noisy. Someone had supplied records of current pop music, so before long kids were jiving to Bill Hayley and the Comets. Ryan was a good dancer and had perfected the new dance craze; he was never at a loss for partners. At a break in the dancing, he ambled over to Fatso.

"Hey Fatso, great party mate, I'm surprised your parents let you off the leash. My oldies would never let me loose. What's your secret? How did you get the booze without them knowing? What would happen if the cops turned up; after all, we're all under aged when it comes to booze."

"My oldies just don't know, genius. I'm not providing grog for everyone, just the blokes I know I can trust. As to the cops, I just haveta make sure everyone toes the line. Anyway, it's good t'see yer Ryan. How's the new school going?"

"Ok I guess, I mean school's school ain't it. I don't like the travelling though. I wish I were going to Manly Boy's like you and the rest of me mates. How's yer sex life?"

"( _Laughing_ ) yeah, well you may ask. The only action I get is this _(holding up his right hand)_. Say, have ya heard from Tommo? I ain't heard a squeak since he went away; I just hope he's Ok. Bye the way, someone wants to meet you . . . ( _calling_ ) hey Betty, c'mon meet Ryan. I told you I'd introduce you two."

A young attractive shorthaired blond girl came over at Fatso's summons. In a flirtatious move she sidled up to Ryan and linked her arm around his elbow. She had a cute face that Ryan found appealing.

"This is Betty Reynolds, Ryan. She's been wanting to meet you for some time now. Now I'll leave you two lovebirds whilst I go and make sure everyone's behaving themselves - and that includes you two lovelies."

Betty stuck to Ryan all the night, which didn't annoy him until he tried to have a one-on-one talk with his mates. He'd shoo her away, but she'd always come back to him. The word got out they were a couple. After consuming several bottles of beer, Ryan started to get a bit tipsy which raised his libido; when, at some stage Betty proffered her lips for a kiss, he obliged.

A mistake!

A pair of painted hungry lips and bad breath assaulted him. Inexperienced with makeup, she had slathered lipstick all over and, to Ryan, the taste was awful. Then, completely misreading the situation, she took Ryan's hand and placed it on her scant bosom.

"(Whispering) I know what you blokes like, and you can play with my titties as long as you want. If yer good to me I'll let you fuck me, but not here. Let's go someplace quiet."

The absurdity wasn't lost on Ryan and he started to giggle, at first softly, but then developing into outright laughter. Of course, this infuriated Betty and she slapped Ryan hard across the face. The sound of the slap caught the attention of kids nearby and they moved towards the sound, curious to see what had happened. Ryan, still laughing, was massaging his face whilst Betty stood rigid with anger. Realising she had an audience, Betty screamed out,

"He tried to rape me! He played with me tits and then tried to force his cock into me. He needs to be punished; isn't there one man amongst the lot of you who'll defend my honour?" . . . and continued shouting until the tears came.

Of course, no one took any notice, but the irony was that Ryan's reputation as a sex fiend was borne. The excitement over, people just returned to the party leaving Ryan and Betty alone together.

"You bastard Seaton, I'll get you for this. How dare you laugh at me, I'm the one who should be laughing; from what I've heard you've got a tiny cock that couldn't satisfy any woman."

"Think about what's just happened Betty. I haven't done anything to you, but you assaulted me, sweetheart. If you start any rumours about rape, I'll just tell people that you assaulted me without any reason - and I've got witnesses, lots of witnesses. No one's gonna believe you, so piss off, you're bad news."

And then walked away leaving the poor girl fuming.

It was then that Geoff Cree caught up with Ryan as he went to get a refill.

"I wouldn't worry about her mate, she's just noise; like a dog with a bark but no bite. I've been wanting to catch up anyway. It's bloody ridiculous, we live next door to each other but can't connect. It sucks."

"Yeah, tell me about it! I'm getting sick of yer brother and the whole situation. I mean, I like you Geoff and can't see why we can't be friends. Do you think he'll ever call a truce?"

"I don't know. The other day he asked me to join in the feud and I told him to get lost. Trouble is he idolises my father and will do anything he asks. I don't get on well with me dad because I'm closer to me mum. Cuppla things she said once indicated that your old man and my mum have history. She weren't specific, but I think that's why my old man is so hostile. Do you know anything?"

"Nah, but that makes sense. It explains why my mum is so agro to your parents. Can you get Bert to understand it's not a battle that he and I should be fighting. The problems not with us kids, it's our parents who should sort it out. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, what a fuckin mess. Anyway, what's happening to you, boyo? How's Manly Boy's high?"

"( _Ignoring the last question_ ) Nope, I don't think anything I say to Bertie will change him. He adores my Dad and will do anything the old man asks of him. Gives me the shits, it does. Me young sister is frightened of him; I've heard her crying herself to sleep some nights. We can only hope the grown-ups grow up and fix this stupidity; and school's OK, pity we ain't goin to the same school now. Why did yer folks want ya to go to a Private school? Must be costing a packet."

"Yeah, it's me mum, she got her heart set on me goin' to a posh school, and I didn't have a say. Me Nan's against it and so was me dad, but mother prevailed, so here I am having to travel into the city to go to school. The kids are Ok, some got scholarships, and they're the ones I can relate to. I can't see meself lasting too long because, I know the fees are crippling, almost as bad as boarding school."

"Hey, have you heard about Tommo?"

"No why?"

"( _Carefully_ ) there's a rumour goin' round he had to quit that Christian boarding school. Seems he's comin' home straightaway. Well, that's what I heard."

'Whaddaya mean, had to quit, what's that supposed to mean?"

"Dunno mate; seems me sister and Tommo's sister, Rita, are chummy at school and she let out that Tommo was coming home. That's all I know, you've obviously heard nothing, eh."

"Ahh, he's just commin home for holidays, that's what. Y'know how these sheilas try and dramatize things. That's all it'll be, we'll know when he gets home. Didn't know Tommo is a mate of yours?"

"( _Uncomfortably_ ) yeah, we met during drama class; both of us are keen on acting. I was disappointed when Tommo went up country because he's talented and was a big help to me. He's a nice bloke."

"Yeah, I like Tommo. We've got a special place at the dam where we'se can go skinny-dipping in the summer. It's real quiet like and me and Tommo just enjoy the peace and silence. For me it's a break from me bloody oldies. Tommo never said why he needs t'get away; I don't know much about his family at all."

"Hey, can I join yer next summer? I mean, I love to swim with a bare arse. Umm, I don't mean to barge in, just tell me if I'm being pushy."

"No, Geoff, that'll be great. It's nothing special for the two of us, just a spot where we can get away from parents. No, you're welcome, very welcome. I'll tell Tommo when I sees him. About his family? I don't know nuthin, he ain't said anything about trouble. Not like I gotta put up with anyway."

"No, I heard about the thing with yer mum; musta been rotten. Y'know I was gonna come and see ya in hospital, but they let you out before I could organize meself. Guess yer Ok now, eh?"

"Were you really? You woulda come to the hospital t'see me? I reckon that's nice of yer, real nice. Look Geoff I want t'be friends with ya; do ya reckon we could?"

"Yeah, I'd like that Ryan, fuck the stupid oldies and me big brother. Might actually help with his vendetta if'n he knows we're friends like. Here, let's shake on it."

So, against all the angst the two families had for each other, the two boys created a friendship that was destined to endure.

## Chapter Five

### 5.1

Tommo was devastated. During the train journey home, he tried to put a brave face on his situation, but with every passing mile the dread of going home intensified. That a momentary impulse could give rise to such savage circumstances crushed him. If the ignominy that preceded the school expelling him wasn't enough, he had to face the contempt of parents, friends, and extended family. It certainly wasn't fair. If he had been caught having sex with a girl, the matter would have been overlooked. As his partner was another boy, the incident created outrage, and attracted the harshest punishment \- expulsion.

He would never forget the devastation in his father's eyes after the Headmaster specified his transgression. Nor would he forget the feeling of utter emptiness that engulfed him as the specifics of the wrongdoing were discussed. He couldn't talk because he had nothing to say, nothing at all. He just became empty - and he wanted to die.

His Dad met him at Central Station, and during the ride home, the atmosphere was uncomfortable. Arriving home, his mother met him at the door and hugged him. She was also crying, but at least showed him the first spark of human kindness since the incident occurred. After he'd settled into his room, he reluctantly joined his parents at the kitchen table, the scene of all-important family decisions. Barely able to keep his emotions in check his father spoke first.

"Tomas, do you have anything you want to say? I mean anything that would lessen the impact of . . . of . . . what happened. Anything!"

Silently he shook his head whilst dissecting the patterns on the tablecloth.

"( _Sigh_ ) Tomas, we have to confront this whole situation as a family. I only hope your transgression was a momentary lapse of judgement and you simply gave in to unnatural desires. _(Pause, staring at his son_ ) I mean I have to hope that these feelings are only short term and will eventually pass. In that case we will just try to put a brave as face we can and provide a plausible excuse for your early return from the College _. (looking at his wife who nodded)_ I'm willing to let it be known that the fees were too high for you to continue and there we'll let the matter rest. ( _Speaking with difficulty)_ On the other hand, if you believe these feelings are deeply embedded, then we must seek medical help. I don't know what . . ."

"Please son, look at your father when he's speaking to you. We'll share your shame because we love you, but you must help us, Tomas, please say something."

Silence, and then,

"( _Softly_ ) no . . . ( _louder_ ) no . . . ( _then shouting_ ) **NO, NO, NO**! I can't live like this . . . What have I done wrong? please, please . . . someone please help me!"

With that, he began to cry, and then morphed into a strange wailing that sounded on the verge of hysteria. He fled into his room, still crying. It was an animal sound that stunned both the Davis's who now looked at each other with alarm. This keening was something they'd not heard before and it was truly unsettling. It was a primeval cry of pain, of someone standing on the precipice and preparing to take a step into oblivion.

In his room, Tomas let it all go. The fear, the fright, the despair, and the uncertainty that he'd suppressed since the incident, simply erupted. On his bed, he pulled the covering over himself and then over his head, so he could shut out the cruel world.

Why, why, why? I can't go on living like this. I feel so . . . so . . . dirty. I loved Alfred and he loved me. Why has our beautiful love been turned into something so nasty that it's been covered with shame. We haven't hurt anyone. We were good Christians. We were good students. We did our chores. We were popular, and . . . and . . . we fell in love. Every moment in this house I'll feel the disgrace that my parents endure on my behalf. I can't undo and go back. I can't . . . ever.

Sensing that his sobbing had stopped, Shirley Davis quietly opened his door and entered. The figure under the covers was now almost still and she spoke gently as she sat on the bed.

"Tomas, I love you son and whatever you've done it means nothing to me because I love you. Even if you'd been found guilty of murder I would still love you. I don't understand what happened at the school but I'm angry at what they did to you. They are not nice people. Nice people don't inflict emotional pain on young people in their care. Nice people don't create unnecessary misery. I'm going to stand by you, whatever it takes. I'm in your corner Tomas. Give your Dad some time and he'll come round. He's trying baby, and he's a good person. ( _Pause_ ) Can I take the cover down, so I can look at you?"

Receiving no reply, she peeled the head covering off. Tomas lay on his side in a foetal position sucking his thumb. He was awake. She gazed down on him with a look of love that only a mother can bestow, but she was shocked at what she saw. He appeared to be in a daze, unfocussed and traumatised. Then,

"Mum I'm so sorry. ( _Sob_ ) I'm bad, really bad, and ( _choke_ ) I'm evil. I'm not worthy of your love."

"Now stop that! Don't you dare say or think like that. Only your parents can decide if your good or evil - not you. It's not because I'm your mother that I say this Tomas, but you're a very good person who had the misfortune to run up against cruel bigotry. We were quite willing to take legal action, but then realised it would only add to your distress. Instead, we intend to write a tough letter to your school protesting their vicious treatment. Take heart son, we're here for you - you're not alone."

"You still love me after what I did?"

"Of course, silly, I told you no matter what you've done we'll always love you. ( _Pause) (Uncomfortable pause_ ) Now I want you to be honest with me, have you had these feelings for other boys before?"

Tomas stared at his mother before answering. He'd been dreading having this conversation for some time, but after being assured of his mother's love, he decided to open up.

"( _Hesitantly_ ) I . . . I can't help it mum, ( _pause_ ) I'm not attracted to girls, I'm attracted to boys. ( _He waited for a response but when his mum said nothing he hurried on)_ It's . . . It's something I've been living with since I was about ten. I don't know what to do."

"( _Sigh_ ) ( _Stroking Tomas's brow)_ There's nothing you can do sweetheart, it's called being homosexual, and from what I know, it's a part of who you are. I know very little about homosexuality; all I do know is that it's a dangerous life. Everyone's against you \- the church, the police, society, friends, school, and even some of our extended family. What you've just been through was ugly; ( _sigh_ ) unfortunately, you can expect much of the same for the rest of your life. Your Dad and I will do everything we can to try to help, - I mean it."

"But . . . but aren't you disappointed? I mean, there'll be no grandkids for you to dote on. I so wanted to please you and . . . and, I've failed you. I'm really depressed mum, because I've let you down and I can't do anything to make it right."

_"(Sigh) (Sadly)_ Of course I'm disappointed. I'd be lying to you if I said I wasn't. Yes, I shed a few tears when I heard the news, but it's not about me, it's about you. All I want is for you to be happy and have a happy life; at least if it's possible for you to have a happy life."

"( _Sounding perplexed)_ in a way mum, I wish you were hostile and disgusted; at least then I'd know how to handle the situation. With you being so nice and supportive, I feel guilty and ashamed. I'll try my best mum, to undo the hurt I've caused. I reckon I've got the best mother in the whole world."

_(Softly and caring)_ Tomas, I'm going to tell you something that I've kept as a family secret for some time. ( _Pause_ ) In fact, I only told your father the night we got the call from school. ( _Brushing Tomas's hair_ ) I had a cousin who was also a homosexual. When his close family found out, they abandoned him, threw him out of his home, and basically left him destitute. He became a street kid, selling his body just for money to stay alive. ( _Choke_ ) Then one day when I went to Kings Cross with some of my girlfriends, I saw him begging for money and he looked awful. _(Pause, clearing her throat_ ) I went over and introduced myself and he started crying. Not knowing what to do, I gave him my phone number and insisted he call me. He never did; soon after, some mongrels bashed him severely and he ended up in hospital critically injured. He only survived for two days. That is not going to happen to you my beautiful son; never will I let that happen to you."

"Gee, that's awful . . . really horrible, mum. I'm frightened . . . I mean why is the whole world so hostile about something I haven't any control over. I've tried to like girls, I really have, but except for being friends, that's all. It's not fair! I didn't want to be like this . . . I want to be normal, mum. Why can't I be normal?"

"( _Sigh_ ) normal? You ask me what's normal, baby. I don't know and neither does anyone else; there are so many shades of normal that I don't think the state of being normal exists. Instead, it's more about conforming to a group and group standards, than being 'normal'. Very simply, you can't conform to majority standards when it comes to sexual orientation, and therefore our society tends to criticise you for not conforming."

It was a silent tableau, a mother comforting and expressing love to her child when that child is in emotional pain.

"( _Softly_ ) Mum, I have the best mother in the world. You're not cross with me, even though no one would blame you if you were. Just knowing that you still love me gives me hope and strength to face anything the outside world can throw at me. I love you mum."

"And I love you too, young man. Now dinner is nearly ready; in about thirty minutes, I'll call you. In the meantime, compose yourself and then come eat with us."

If only that ended the matter.

<><><><>

### 5.2

". . . please nanna, I don't want to go, I hate going to mass, it's boring!"

"( _Patiently_ ) Ryan I'm trying to look after your spiritual health, which is something you don't get at that Grammar School. It's not going to hurt spending a very short hour at mass and gaining knowledge from Father O'Brian's sermon. He's a very educated man and you can well benefit by listening to him. Come along now, we don't want to be late."

"( _Cheekily_ ) Are Catholics Christian nanna?"

"( _Sounding miffed_ ) Of course we are, our Lord died on the cross to forgive us our sins so that when we get to heaven we're in a pure state. What a silly question, you know better than to ask that."

"( _Firmly_ ) Well so are Protestants. Me mate Tommo tells me that they worship Jesus for the same reasons you just said. If that's so why can't I go to a Prodo church?"

"Hush your mouth! I've told you before they are not true Christians because they left the one true church which means that when they die they won't go to heaven. Now I'm not going to have this talk again, Ryan, you're just being naughty. Now hurry up and get ready to go, if we get there after the Offertory begins, it means we've missed mass."

"You heard your Grandma, Ryan, hurry up and get dressed; I've left your church clothes on your bed, so be quick about it."

"Why don't you come with us mother? If I have to go, why won't you?"

"I'm too busy; after all I have to cook the Sunday dinner and don't have time to spend in church. _(Merle simply glared at her daughter)_ As your Nanna said, going to mass is for your spiritual well-being."

"Bullshit!"

"Ryan language . . ."

"Well that's just crap . . .

"( _Angry_ ) Ryan!"

. . . and you know it. What about my old man? He's a Prodo like Tommo and doesn't have to sit through a boring mass. I reckon Tommo's a lot better than a lot of Cadillac's I could mention, so it'd be a raw deal if'n he can't get to heaven. Anyway, I told you'se before, I think God's an arsehole for killin' all those innocent animals. You still haven't . . ."

"( _Shouting_ ) Shut up Ryan, get dressed, and go with your Nanna, otherwise you'll get no lunch!"

That did it.

Ryan's father drove them to the local Catholic Church, well in time for the agony to commence.

<><><><>

### 5.3

Patiently, Ryan sat beside the old girl as the mass droned on and on, progressing through the various stages of, the Entrance, the Greeting, the Act of Penitence, the Kyrie Eleison, the Gloria, the Collect, the Gospel, and then to the Homily. When it came to the Gospel, all the faithful stood and when the reading concluded, it was time for the Homily - better known as the Sermon.

_I reckon I'm only here for me Nanna's sake. She really digs all this crap and, as I love her heaps, I'll just have to humour her and pretend piety._ _(_ _With the rest of the congregation, he sat down) Now comes the worst part, listening to father O'Brian. He gives me the shits, he's fat, ugly, smells and, the worst of all, he's bloody arrogant! Arrogant or pompous, take yer pick. Reckons his own shit don't stink! Heard tell one of the altar boys reckons the cunt tried to fondle him - hypocrite. Well, here he goes . . ._

Father Patrick O'Brian was not an imposing figure. This Sunday he adorned himself with green vestments that signified a special event in the church's ecclesiastical year. He was grossly overweight, and the signs of heavy drinking were writ all over his face. Mounting the pulpit, he donned reading glasses, shuffled some papers around, and then peered menacingly at the congregation. Clearing his throat, he used his stentorian voice,

"Dearly beloved, friends. I'm going to depart from a discussion on today's gospel, and talk of a great danger facing our community, our nation, and perhaps the whole word. I'm talking about the evil, which goes by the name of homosexuality. You all _(Ryan was suddenly sitting upright and attentive)_ know from reading 'Leviticus' that God distinctly calls this behaviour an abomination. However, we must make a distinction between being a homosexual and subsequently acting on the desires this unfortunate state demands _. (What the fuck is he talking about?)_

Holy mother Church is very kind when dealing with same sex attraction. The Church teaches that having an attraction, or friendship, to one's own sex is not sinful; it's only when these persons give in to their lusts, that a sin is committed. ( _Sternly_ ) It's a serious sin. Holy mother Church instructs that sex is a sacrament only conferred on married couples, with the express purpose of begetting children. _(There was a general restlessness in the congregation. Ryan also became agitated)._

( _Shouting_ ) **You must be aware and vigilant!** _(Some people were becoming uncomfortable)_ These detestable deviants will prey upon your children and convert them to their sinful ways. _(Ryan was now scared)_ As priests, we have conferred upon us then sacrament of absolution, empowering us to forgive sins. I will not, and there are many like me, _(thumping the open bible)_ I will not grant absolution to any deviate who visits my confessional. It is a travesty against the purpose of absolution to forgive these loathsome creatures - and the law is on my side.

Many serious problems arise with these abominable creatures. Our government stipulates that these creatures are a security risk if they are part of our authorities at County, State, and National levels. Accordingly, many have been dismissed as they're identified. _(Ryan was by now incensed)_ No redress at law is available to them, which is as it should be.

The schoolyard is yet another breeding ground for this abomination. Young boys, in particular, are easy converts to this hateful disease. At a time when young lads experiment and challenge the bounds of authority, these deviants make approaches in the form of promises, gifts, and other enticements, to convert impressionable young minds and bodies to their evil. Innocent young students are corrupted and damaged, some for life, by these experienced devils. _(Ryan wanted to shout 'Liar' 'Liar')_ Keep watch for the signs. Unusual silences, unrestrained crying, hostility, and anger are usually evidences of abuse. It is up to you the fathers, you good Catholic fathers, to watch for signs of exploitation. If you can identify these mongrels, then whatever punishment you deliver will be upheld by the custodians of our laws. I have this guarantee from the Police Commissioner himself. _(This was accompanied by a collective gasp)_

Of course, we must speak directly to our youth, and I mean both girls and boys. If you're feeling uncomfortable with any so-called friendly advances from persons unknown to you, then you must report the miscreant to your parents, your headmaster, and the police . . .

_Bullshit_!

. . . Be brave! You are innocent in the eyes of God and will be thanked by our community by exposing these monsters."

For another five torturous minutes Father O'Brian rambled on until, thankfully, he finished. However, the mass itself was not finished. To follow was the Profession of Faith, Liturgy of the Eucharist, the Consecration, the Communion, and finally the Blessing and Dismissal. Ryan couldn't get out quickly enough.

He waited whilst his Nanna visited with old friends and gossiped about happenings during the week as well as articles in the Catholic Weekly. This gave him time to control his anger and disgust at the sermon.

_He don't know nuthin! Gus never preyed on me, nor did he molest me as the old cunt suggested. Rather than bein' the horrible experience that shitface O'Brian bleated about, it was great. I enjoyed it and, truth be known, I want more. There's been whispers from his favourite altar boys that he tries to fondle them when they're getting' dressed_. _I sensed that some of the men were a bit uncomfortable with what he said about sex and marriage. If'n I didn't have Gus, maybe I might've been molested, but I can look after meself as most kids my age can. What scares the shit outta me is what he said about the cops and how they condone violence against people like me. That's scary!_

"Come on Ryan, best we catch the bus home; I know your mum's got lunch waiting. Come on; snap out of it, you look far away."

As they waited for the bus, Merle suddenly asked,

"Ryan, has your father told you about the birds and the bees?"

"( _Cheekily_ ) No, but I know the birds fly around and drop seeds so that plants can grow all over. Bees make honey."

"( _Sigh_ ) now you know exactly what I'm talking about so there's no reason to be flippant."

"Well Nanna, why don't you simply ask do I know about sex? Why are you so embarrassed you have to talk silly?"

"Hrrummph! Don't be cheeky, when I was growing up, talking about procreation _(Gawd, she can't even use the word sex)_ was not allowed. It certainly is frowned upon in the church. Anyway, you haven't answered my question. Has your father talked to you about . . . well, babies and such?"

"( _Emphatically_ ) no, of course not! He's mostly drunk when he's home, or if he's sober, he pisses off . . ."

"( _Sigh_ ) Ryan, language . . ."

"Sorry Nan, no, when he's home he gets outta mum's way and goes down the Garden shed. I hardly see him, let alone talk to him. However, I do know where babies come from, how to take protection and not get a girl pregnant, about rape and being molested. That stupid old fart . . . ahh, sorry Nan . . . umm, Father O'Brian sounded real heavy with his preaching, and I don't agree with him."

"( _Alarmed_ ) what don't you agree?"

"( _Indignant_ ) when he said homos can be bashed and hurt and the police won't do nuthin. Especially when it's the coppers doin' the bashing and they can do it free like. That's wrong. ( _Angry_ ) We'se all same peoples and nobody should be bashed just because they'se different. I'm really angry the church also says it's Ok. That's wrong."

Silence.

"Well, I've been taught the church knows best, so . . . are, here comes the bus. You should force your father to talk to you."

Oh yeah, so he's gonna tell me all about bein' a poofter. How to butt-fuck properly, don't use yer teeth when yer suckin' some bloke off, tongue kissin', and jerking off a big juicy cock. Of course, the various ways to masturbate would be interesting. Oh yeah, I can hear him now!

On the bus they sat side by side with Ryan occupying the window seat; the trip usually lasted twenty-five minutes. It wasn't very often that he and his Nanna were alone together; the truth is that she was the only person Ryan felt comfortable to talk about personal problems and issues.

"Nanna, why do my parents fight so much?"

This caught Merle off guard and she wasn't sure how to answer the lad. She tended to let family problems work themselves out, as they usually were resolved satisfactorily. To interfere was usually counterproductive but, in this case, she felt she owed the boy an answer; after all, the problem existed and was getting worse.

"( _Sigh_ ) I know Ryan, or I should say, I don't know why they're fighting. It's upsetting you isn't it?"

Pause.

_"(On the verge of tears)_ Yes Nanna, it is. I feel I don't have parents anymore; I'm just boarding with two people who hate each other. My dad's ( _choke_ ) always drunk or hiding himself away in his shed and me mum never stops nagging him and whinging about something. I often cry myself to sleep Nanna. I'm only a kid and don't know what to do."

"Oh, you poor child _(she placed her arm around Ryan and drew him close)._ It's not fair on you grandson, because you shouldn't have to listen to the angry words at your age. Sure, all families fight, but your parents fight more than normal. I wish I had an answer for you."

"( _Hopefully_ ) Why don't they split up? That way I could at least have a chance at a relationship with each one without all the agro. None of me mates have parents that hate each other; they don't understand when I tell about the fights. I know I shouldn't talk about family problems, but sometimes I feel that if I don't talk to someone I'll go bonkers. Then there's this crap . . . sorry Nan . . . with the Cree's next door. Bert and I shouldn't be fighting because I think it has to do with the grown-ups - not us kids. I'm getting' sick of it all."

Merle leaned down and kissed her grandson's head. She sensed his pain and felt gutted. They rode in silence for a few bus stops. Then,

"Nan, yer not gonna die soon are ya?"

"What a question; no, of course not. Well, none of us know, do we? God has a plan for each one of us and we just have to trust in him that he knows what he's doing. Why do you ask?"

_"(Hugging his Grandmother tightly)_ because the happiest times I remember was when I were real little and would snuggle up to you in bed, whilst you read from that big book of Irish history. I loved that Nan, made me feel nice and secure. It were real good."

"( _Choking back tears)_ you're a good boy Ryan, an especially good boy and I love you very, very much. _(Pause, to control her emotions)_ I loved those times too. Pity times have to change; I mean you're too old now to cuddle in my bed. ( _Sigh_ ) it was nice wasn't it. I pray for you; did you know that? I ask the lord to make your life happier at home. When he gets around to it, I know he'll make it right. ( _Sigh_ ) here comes our stop Ryan."

_"(With an emotionally thick voice)_ no one's too old fer a cuddle Nan, not even you."

<><><><>

### 5.4

Just as their Sunday lunch was finishing, the phone rang.

"Hello."

"Umm . . . Missus Seaton, it's Tomas Davis here; can I speak with Ryan, please."

"Yes of course, Tomas, it's good to hear from you, I hope you're enjoying the new school. Ryan is just loving . . ."

"Mum, it's for me, let me speak with Tommo ( _pause_ ) . . . g'day mate, missed hearing from ya. Hope yer Ok."

"Hey Ryan, look I'll be quick, can I meet you at our spot at the dam this arvo, got some things I wanna talk about."

"Yeah, sure mate, how about _(leaning over and looking at the kitchen clock_ ) in about an hour. That'll be about two thirty, how's that?"

"Will do, and thanks mate. I really want to talk t'ya. See you then." And rang off.

"You're not going anywhere until you help with the cleaning up young man. After I work my fingers to the bone cooking for you, and looking after you, at least I should expect a little . . ."

"Ahhh shut up mother. You heard me tell Tommo I'll meet him only after I do the dishes. Why d'yer have to moan when you heard me tell Tommo I've got to do the cleaning up?"

Clare Seaton just sat and looked wounded.

So around about two thirty on that Sunday, Ryan ambled over to the dam and met up with Tommo. Even for late autumn, the Dam looked beautiful. The sunlight danced over the surface and shattered into a thousand glittering shards as the wind ruffled the water's surface. For several long moments, they hugged each other without saying anything. Ryan sensed that his mate was troubled, as his cuddling seemed a bit desperate, like he was clinging on in distress. When eventually they broke apart, Ryan looked at Tommo and saw he was on the verge of tears.

"Hey what's wrong boyo, ya don't look good, what's wrong?"

"Why don't we sit on this towel I brought with me? The sand's a bit damp and I don't wanna get our bums wet _. (They sat down, and Tommo snuggled up to Ryan with their knees touching)_ Thanks for meeting me here. I got memories of last time when we became blood brothers, special memories mate that are real important t'me. The past few weeks ain't been real good but I kept thinking of you and I and our pact. Sorry for bein' a bit mushy."

"Hey I only heard the other day that you were coming home. If'n I'd known when, I woulda dropped around or at least called ya. Like it's the end of Term One holidays, so I didn't expect to see ya. Everything Ok?"

Silence. Tommo just gazed out at the water, whilst Ryan waited for him to answer. Then Tommo turned and looked Ryan straight in the face.

"It's all fucked up Ryan, I mean I'm all fucked up. I don't remember feelin' this miserable fer a long time. Worst still, I've made me parents unhappy, and that's like stick'n a knife into me guts. I've let then down bad mate, and there's nuthin' I can do about it - 'cept kill meself."

"Hey, fuck that! Don't you go talkin' like that! We're blood brothers Tommo, so don't be thinkin' such silly notions. We're here for each other, that's what blood brothers are for. C'mon knucklehead, what's the problem?"

For several moments, Tommo just stared out at the water. Ryan could sense an inner struggle but, wisely, decided to let Tommo express himself when he was ready. Then,

"I met a bloke about my age at the College and we became good friends. ( _Pause_ ) . . . more than good friends . . . hell, let me say it . . . I'm . . . I'm a homo, Ryan, a bloody pathetic queer. We sorta became lovers . . ."

"( _Softly_ ) Hey man, that's a biggie. Wow, ummm, what d'yer mean, 'sorta'? Were you, or were you not? I mean . . . did you have sex?"

"Yes, yes, we did, that's if you could call it sex, since all we did was kiss and masturbate each other. Alfred ( _pause_ ) . . . that's his name, Alfred wanted to go further but I hesitated because I hadn't had any experience I . . . I . . . chickened out. Then one night he asked to meet me late in the shower block. When I arrived, he coaxed me into a cubicle, kissed me, and then . . . and then . . . started to suck my cock. Oh god Ryan it was wonderful, I never knew such pleasure was possible, and then ( _pause_ ), we were so engrossed we didn't hear a prefect come in and . . . found . . . ( _Choke_ )"

"Oh shit! He found you totally compromised, eh? _(Tommo nodded miserably)_ Shit, what a bummer. So, what happened next? Get it all off yer chest boyo, you'll feel better."

"Oh, we were hauled up in front of the Headmaster who was a Christian nutter and forced to admit who we were, and what we were doing. I'm still ashamed, just thinking about it. As you can imagine by next morning the whole school knew, and we became pariahs. They locked us in our rooms, which was a blessing in disguise, as I was too ashamed to show my face. Then they called my Dad, and I had to endure listening to the same sordid story again. Of course, they expelled me and . . . and . . . well, here I am, not very pretty, eh?"

Ryan sat holding his mate in a tight embrace, disturbed by Tommo's story. His own thoughts were troubling.

_What a terrible way for other people to learn yer most private secrets. I can understand why he wanted to rub himself out. Only a strong person could endure that terrible pain. It's up to me now, to make life a bit easy for me mate. I've got to fess up and be damned with the consequences_. _If I can't trust Tommo, then who can I trust?_

"( _Painfully_ ) Tommo, yer not alone, there's someone you know who's also likes blokes and hasn't had the courage to tell about it, because he's a coward. It's . . ."

'Who? Don't tell me Bluey's queer like me. I can't . . ."

"( _Softly_ ) Nah, not Bluey ( _Pause_ ) it's me Tommo, yer blood brother Ryan . . . I'm also a bloody queer."

Tommo twisted himself around, so he could look directly at Ryan, a look of disbelief written over his face.

Silence, then,

"( _Startled_ ) you Ryan, you? ( _Long pause_ ) you? Did I hear you right?"

"( _Softly_ ) Yep me; of course, I've known fer a long time. Remember I told ya I had a secret place in the bush that I'd come by meself, well, that's what I was doin', trying to work it all out. I still am."

"Shit-a-brick! I . . . I . . . don't know what to say; I'm stunned. ( _Quickly_ ) Now don't get me wrong, I reckon its beaut us being blood brothers and being homo. Wow. I feel better knowing were both on the same side. Gee whiz! Who'd a thought?"

Should I tell him about Gus and the things we'se done together? Nah, I don't think so, some things are best left private. What Gus and me have is just between us two. Maybe later I'll tell Tommo, but not now.

"( _Carefully_ ) Yeah, but we've got problems, haven't we? Do ya think anyone will find out yer a homo at Manly Boy's High? I mean, I'm not ready to let the world know my secret. I have enough problems at home without adding that fer me bloody mother to whinge about. And gripe she will, I can hear her even now. Yer lucky Tommo, yer parents are decent folk."

"No, I don't think anyone will find out. I mean, there's no link between the Christian College and Manly Boy's high. How would they find out, after all, Albert's gone to another school. It's not as if I'm girly - am I?"

"( _Laughing_ ) nah, yer Ok Tommo, I wouldn't be a friend if'n ya acted queer. Nah, yer a bloke's bloke you are. Look, fer both our sake we'se gotta keep who we are a secret. You shoulda been at church this mornin' to hear that fat cunt rave on about us homo's."

"Why, what'd he say?"

"Reckons we'se sinners and real bad. He said we're a security risk and the cops should round us all up and bash us. He even went as far as telling everyone he wouldn't forgive their sins if'n they was in the confessional. Simply, we're to be condemned, put in prison, bashed up, and maybe killed. However, when he told the people that sex was only for getting' kids, there was a lot of resentment. Of course, he's a nutter, but many people think like him and really have it in fer us. That's why we'se gotta be careful boyo and not tell anyone."

"Yeah, I agree, I mean look what happened to me. The Headmaster sounded disgusted when he were telling Dad about what happened. I think, if I hadn't been locked away in my room, I woulda been belted by some of the kids. It was scary Ryan; I was worried. I dunno how it came to be so bad for us queers. Sure, there's a bit of venom in the Bible, but I never thought it would lead to real violence against us. My mum told me about the hate our world has for homos, and I've experienced it firsthand. Not good."

"Geez, I don't know whether I'm as brave as you are mate. I don't know how I'd cope if I got monstered like you did. It's just you and me kid, just you and me."

Ryan wanted to kiss Tommo, but it didn't seem right just now. He sensed that Tommo felt the same, so they just enjoyed snuggling up to each other, taking pleasure in the closeness and the warmth. However, he was thinking,

I must talk to Geoff and ask him to keep a lookout for Tommo at Manly Boy's High. The chances that someone will know about him being expelled are rare but, well, ya never knows. If it should get out . . . shit, it'll be a disaster for both of us. There again, can I trust Geoff? I reckon he's ok, but that moron of a brother isn't. Oh boy, what that shitface could do knowing about Tommo is scary. Funny, with Tommo I feel more friendship than sexy; I must ask Gus why that is.

So, Tommo began the second term at his new school Manly Boy's High, and Ryan entered second term at the Grammar School - both having celebrated their thirteen birthdays. Alas, whilst Social Networking can be good, it also can be dangerous.

## Chapter Six

### 6.1

." . . as the reason for leaving the Tamworth Christian College, all it shows on your transfer documents is 'unacceptable behaviour'. Now that could mean many things such as stealing, cheating, or sexual misbehaviour. Therefore, I must warn you that any form of 'unacceptable behaviour' at Manly Boy's High will earn you expulsion. Do you understand me? _(Tommo nodded yes_ ) good, good. You're the only person who knows the exact offence so it's up to you to behave in an exemplary manner. What say you?"

"Yes sir, you have my assurance that there won't be a repeat of my misconduct at Tamworth. My parents and I are really grateful you've given me another chance and I won't let you down."

"See that you don't. Now the second period's about to commence; you have your class schedule, school map and event timetable, so off you go, and _(standing up and offering his hand)_ welcome to Manly Boy's High School."

The Manly Boy's High Headmaster, Allan Wilcox always conducted a personal interview with new students. However, with this new student, Tomas Davis, he needed to know more, as the reason for expulsion from his previous school was vague. He was puzzled. Sitting before him was a good-looking young man with what appeared to be an athletic body. His eyes radiated intelligence and he returned the Headmasters gaze steadfastly. Nothing in his deportment suggested anything aggressive or antagonistic so he was baffled. He determined to find the real reason for the lad's expulsion.

As soon as Tommo left the Headmasters Office, he asked his secretary to come in. Vera Primson was a middle-aged spinster who had made her career in education. It was she, not the Headmaster, who really ran the school. She had access to each pupil's personal information, all grades since enrolment, and the comments of each student's teachers. Not only was she a fountain of information, she could also be dangerous.

"What's your opinion of the Davis boy, headmaster, is he going to be a problem?"

"That remains to be seen. I don't like not knowing the real reason they expelled him from Tamworth Christian College. I'd like you to use your unofficial contacts to find out more. The right to privacy may be admirable, but I don't like not knowing if I have a loose cannon in my care. You know the system better than I, so find out what you can for me, please. Of course, any findings are private, and should only be available to either you or me."

"Yes Headmaster, I'll get on it straight away. As soon as I have something, I'll let you know."

"Good, good."

On leaving the Head's office, Tommo ran straight into Bluey.

"Hey mate, been to see his nibs eh? ( _Tommo nodded)_ I reckon Wilcox's Ok but that Nazi of a secretary . . . I feel like shouting "Sieg Heil!" and giving her the Nazi salute. C'mon, show me yer class schedule and we'll compare eh."

Tommo's best subject was Maths, so he's elected to take Math 1 and Maths 2 as well as Geography, Physics and English Grammar. Maths and English were compulsory in the five subjects all boys were required to take for their Intermediate Certificate at the end of year ten. On the other hand, Bluey was not mathematically inclined, and he elected for General Maths, Chemistry, Geography, Physics, and English.

"Looks like we only team up with Physics and English. I'm not a brain when it comes to Maths, so I have to take General Maths only because some Math subject is compulsory. Yer good at Maths eh? I'm not, I hate it; I just wish I had yer brains."

"( _Laughing_ ) Oh come on Bluey, don't put yerself down like that. We're all good at some things and bad at others. If you let me loose on the chemistry lab, I'd probably blow the place up. ( _Changing subject_ ) If yer not got a date for lunch, can I sit with you?"

"Yeah mate, if I can unglue that sheila Wendy Garson, it'd be just the two of us, but Wendy's like a leech, - I can't get rid of her."

"Ok mate, see you at lunch."

<><><><>

### 6.2

Ryan lay pleasantly sated with Gus's arm around his shoulders. The interior of the caravan had become almost as familiar as his own bedroom. Here he'd lost not only his virginity but also his sexual innocence. In the three months since he'd been seeing Gus he found the real joy of sex without the heavy guilt that the Catholic Church preaches. But this last . . .

. . . . _he was gentle and concerned about hurting me, and it was great. I'm no longer a virgin and to be honest, I liked it - no, I loved it. A bit painful at the start but once my bum adjusted to his cock-head the pain simply became discomfort and then pleasure. And when he began to stroke that spot inside me I freaked out; Oh man, that was so good, I couldn't get enough. Mmmm, he fucked me. Gus fucked me, and it felt great. He was so gentle and caring, letting me sit on him and telling me to lower down on his cock at me own pace. Shit, the feel of his massive rod buried deep inside me was amazing and the look in his eyes told me he was enjoying the sensation also. It got even better when he rolled me over and started to fuck me on me back. That's when his cock began to stroke me private pleasure spot in earnest. It was a strange feeling, being helpless with someone massaging me to an orgasm without me touching meself - strange, but wonderful. It felt so good, and the sensation of having no control over cumming was weird. Then when Gus exploded, and his warm juice flooded inside me, it made the whole experience meaningful. That was fantastic, and I loved it. I'm a slut!_

"You're quiet, what're thinking about?"

"About how good that was, how amazing it is to be fucked. I loved having no control over me body and still having an orgasm. I gotta thank you Gus for being so considerate seeing it's me first time. Been a bit apprehensive all week but now, I just feel wonderful - maybe a bit sore but still happy. Shit, you musta cum a lot; I can feel your goo even now running outta me. It stinks a bit."

"( _Laughing_ ) Come here let me fix yer soreness. _(Turning over a pulling a tube out of his bedside table)_ Here, they give this stuff to people with Piles; it has a local anaesthetic, which will help. Shove some toilet paper up yer arse to stop dribbling."

We're so different, him and I. He's muscular and pale-skinned whereas I'm tanned and wiry. I know he wants me even though I don't have many muscles yet; I'm flattered. I like the look of lust in his eyes when I'm naked. I was worried about being hurt but it's amazing how quickly the initial pain passes and gives way to pleasure. Who'd of thought?

Gus was lazily playing with Ryan's nipples and he started to feel horny again. God, he loved Gus touching him. After a while, his arousal grew, and unbelievably, he wanted another fuck. He studied Gus's flaccid penis and decided to play with it.

"Shit young-un, if you keep doing that I'll explode. Haven't you had enough?"

"NO! Getting fucked was so much better than I'd thought. That stuff you put on me hole has got rid of any soreness, and I want to go again. This time, you be the boss and concentrate on enjoying yerself. Take me again master, I want to feel yer cock inside me again.

With that, Ryan offered himself.

<><><><>

### 6.3

." . . are you sure, I mean, how reliable is your contact? I'm assuming the person is a female and there's no doubt she is a dependable source _. (Vera Primson nodded 'yes'_ ). This ( _sigh_ ) is terrible, I mean to read about these cretins is bad enough, but to have one as a student is alarming. I don't know what to do Vera; I don't even know who I should talk to. How will the parents react when they find out that an active homosexual is part of the student body? I suspect there'll be an outcry, and they'll blame me for exposing their kids to this disease. Any thoughts?"

"Well we've got to do something haven't we? Sooner rather than later, this boy will succumb to his bestial needs and rape an innocent boy. When the parents learn that we knew about his sickness and did nothing, it could lead to criminal charges against us. I don't know what my position is Headmaster, I mean I know about it now, and therefore must take some action."

"Hold on, your position is the same as mine, in that we can't do anything. Until the boy commits an indecent act against another boy we have no proof that he is . . . he is . . . a, homosexual. We just can't expel him on hearsay. We can't rely on the information at The Christian College as that info is sealed until the child is eighteen years. If we did rely on that evidence, you and your Christian College contact could be charged with breach of confidence. I don't know what the penalty would be. Furthermore, as I understand it, the evidence borders on hearsay. If it came to court any smart defence lawyer would tear the case to shreds."

Silence.

"Oh dear . . . yes, I see your point headmaster. I really hadn't given much thought to consequences. Oh dear, this is awful. Every time I see this animal in either the classroom of at play, I will have an urge to lash out. I don't know if I can keep quiet _(Silence as she thought about her dilemma)_ What about the toilets, will our boys become infected simply using the toilet seats? Perhaps we should talk to the school nurse about risks?"

"That's a good idea. Better if I talk to her on the grounds of school policy. I don't want you involved any more than you are Vera. I also have a responsibility to you as well. . . "

"Thank you, Headmaster, that's very thoughtful of you, and I do appreciate it. Nevertheless, the fact remains we do know about the cretin's appetite so, in a way, we're forewarned and therefore forearmed. There's some comfort in knowing in advance."

"Hmmm, I guess you're right. Now off you go and let's see how this plays out . . . and Vera thanks for bringing this to me. You did the right thing."

However, other factors were at play and would soon manifest themselves.

<><><><>

### 6.4

For Tommo the first few weeks at his new school went well. Because of his natural outgoing nature, he'd made other friends beside Bluey and Geoff Cree, and had started to join in the school's sporting activities- specifically tennis. In both of his Math classes, he outshone the rest of the boys, becoming something of a favourite with his teachers. This did not go down well.

In every school, wherever it may be, there are always bullies. At Manly High, this honour went to an obnoxious chap called Martin Cradox or "Biffo" as he was affectionally known. Because he was overweight, tall for his age, and academically not too bright, he sported a very large and very hostile inferiority complex. To his friends, he was 'alright'; to anyone else, he was a right mean bastard. Tommo's growing popularity caught his attention.

After a few conditioning circuits of the athletic track, Tommo always used the showers before going home. In fact, personal cleanliness was one of Tommo's manias and he would stand for a long time under the shower enjoying the hot water on his skin. On this day, he'd just finished his shower and was drying himself when a menacing voice interrupted his musing.

"Well lookee here, if'n it ain't pretty-boy Tomas Davis. What say you princess, going home to swat up so's you can make us look idiots?"

"Nah, just need to get home quick so's I can masturbate thinking of yer little sister."

"You what? What did you say?"

"You heard me. I'm not gonna repeat meself for the likes of you."

"Well for your benefit, I ain't got a little sister or a big sister at that, so what're talk'n about."

"Oh right, it must be yer mum I'm thinkin' about. You do have a mother don't you Cradox? Actually, I feel sorry for her; I bet the first time she laid eyes on you, she woulda screamed in fright."

"Why you rotten . . ."

Martin Cradox threw a punch at Tommo, who ducked, making the bully's fist crash into a steel locker. The sound of flesh connecting with metal was loud, almost as loud as Cradox's cry of pain. But after that Tomas felt the full fury of the bully's onslaught. To protect himself, Tommo crouched into a foetal position and was unable to return the flurry of punches. In his fury, Cradox began to yell obscenities and insults about Tommo in particular and family in general; his mother, Shirley Davis was awarded the foulest invectives. The yelling and the cries of pain quickly drew a crowd who encouraged with cries of, _"Go get 'im Biffo"_ and, _"Punch the shit outta him Biffo"_ and, _"Give the teacher's pet a fuck'n hiding Martin"_ and so on. Soon the noise got the attention of a passing teacher who rushed in to stop the fight.

"Let me through goddamit, let me through. Stop it Cradox! Stop it right now. C'mon someone help me separate these two children, c'mon _(pulling the boys apart with the help of other students)_ easy, easy now. Ok, what's this all about?"

The two antagonists faced each other, held apart by several of the other boys. It was obvious Cradox wasn't in the best condition as he stood panting and flushed with the exertion. Now the teacher addressed both boys.

"C'mon, what're you blokes fighting about, and I want the truth."

"He made suggestive remarks about me mum and I clobbered him. If'n he says it again I'll really bash him hard, so hard I'll put him in hospital, I will."

"And you in jail as a result Cradox. Is that what you want mister? Is that what you want? _(Cradox started to respond but the teacher cut him off)_ no, shut it Cradox, I want to hear from Davis; go on Davis let me hear your side of the argument . . . and not a word outta you Cradox, you hear."

"He called me girlie names and I responded by making remarks about his mother. I'm sorry sir, I shouldn't have insulted his mother, and for that, I apologize. Trouble is Cradox, his cronies call him 'Biffo', has only one response in an argument and that to use his fists. But I do apologize Martin for making aspersions about your mum. Sorry."

"There you go Cradox, Davis has apologized for saying bad things about your mum, so as far as I'm concerned, we'll let the matter rest, Ok."

After the teacher left Tommo and Cradox stood staring at each other until Tommo turned away. Under his breath, Cradox muttered,

"It's not over fuckwit, not over at all. I'll get you when we're both alone and there's no one to come to help you. You can bet on it."

As Tommo was leaving the Gym, Bluey and Geoff joined him.

"What happened Tommo? How did the fight start?"

"He came at me Bluey, started to make offensive comments and I simply fired me own back. In the process, I referred to his mum that I regret but you know, it just slipped out without thinking and that's when he started laying into me. He's a vicious bastard is Biffo. _(turning to Geoff_ ) I hear he's a friend of yer brother, Geoff?"

"Yep, when he comes around my dad, me brother and him go into a cuddle . . . I mean huddle. I stays away 'cause I got nuthin in common with them all. The only reason he don't pick on me is me brother. I know what he's like Tommo, he won't forget you shitting on his mum; they're very close."

"What I don't know is why he picked on me; after all I've just started at Manly High so why did he start talking to me like I was a girl? Any chance Geoff, that you could ask yer brother? If he's close to Cradox he might know the answer."

"Sure thing, I'll go ask tonight. You don't want fuckwits like Cradox to go around saying yer a poofter or such. That'd be real bad and could lead to worse things happening."

"Thanks Geoff, yer a pal; and thank you too Bluey for bein' in my corner."

"Shut up! We're mates and mates gotta stick together."

<><><><>

### 6.5

." . . and that's all I know Nurse. We've confirmed the boy was expelled for Indecency, but we don't have any details. My question is what preventative actions should be taken to stop this insidious disease creeping into our school. Your thoughts please."

"Headmaster, how many times have I asked you to call me Gladys when we're alone? We've known each other long enough now not to be so formal _(Allen Wilcox smiled his agreement_ ) as to the boy, just find some pretext to expel him. I've seen this problem first hand and it must be contained before it infects the whole school. There is . . ."

'You say Gladys that it must be contained, but how? I mean is it a disease requiring antibiotics, surgery, or just plain old counselling? I need to know more about this thing called homosexuality before I can decide on what action to take."

"Hmm, yes I see. Best response I can give you relates to something I once read on the subject in a medical journal. The doctor put forward the example of black tribes in Africa when conferring the rite of manhood on young tribal members. It may shock you, as it did me, that the older males had sex with the youngsters believing that, by fluid transference, their manhood attributes would pass to the younger boys. Now I don't want to go into details _(the headmaster nodded his understanding)_ but it seems likely that homosexuals adopt this procedure, by . . ."

"Sorry for interrupting, but what has this got to do with boys choosing to be homosexual?"

"Let me finish, I was coming to that. The medical opinion is that young men who are not confident of their manhood require to absorb the fluids of stronger males so that they can feel manlier. It makes sense when you think about it; just don't ask me for too much detail."

"Well, it does make sense, rather obnoxious sense I might add. But, how does one treat this condition or, more importantly, warn stronger males to avoid any approaches by other men seeking to exploit their manhood?"

"Oh, I think let nature take its course. Homosexuality is rare, very rare indeed, and any advance made to a normal male would invoke a physical response rejecting the approach. I don't think you've anything to be concerned about."

"That seems too simple; I feel I must do something."

"Agreed. How about asking our pastor to issue a warning about the grave sin of indulging in these despicable acts."

"Hmmm yes, I'll do that."

<><><><>

### 6.6

On his way home from school Tommo side-tracked and found his way to his own private spot near the dam.

What did Cradox mean calling me a girl and then using the term princess? Does he know? If so, how did he find out? Or was it just a slip of tongue, a manner of speech. There's no way he could find out because the expulsion records are sealed in law. Questions, questions, questions?

Dear Lord above, if you can hear me I'm getting so sick of all this. I'm tired of living a lie, I'm tired of living with fear, and I'm tired of living with stress. I'm normal in every way except whom I love. Why is it so traumatic? Am I going to live the rest of my life in fear – to be an outcast? When will I be free to find love and acceptance in the world around me?

What will happen if Bluey and Geoff find out I'm a homo? Worse still, what will Bert Cree and Cradox do if it becomes known? I'll certainly lose the only friends I've got at best, and at worst be lethally assaulted by the likes of Cree and Cradox. Except for Ryan, I've got no one I can talk to. And what about Ryan, would he want to be friendly with me if the truth comes out?

I've got all these questions and no answers. The worst of it is I don't have anyone I can turn to. I'm anathema at school, a pariah to God, considered a criminal by the police, and condemned by society.

What a bleak future, if there is a future. Do I have a future?

<><><><>

### 6.7

Neither was Ryan's life fairing any better. His main issue was knowing his days at The Grammar School were numbered. It started again this morning; the arguments, the accusations, the threats, and the shouting were so loud surely the whole street knew of their domestic problems. Once again, his father suggested he'd be better off dead rather than listen to his wife's vicious tongue. His mother's vitriolic response still haunted his memory.

"KILL YOURSELF! did I hear you threaten to kill yourself? Ha, you haven't the guts to do it, Bill Seaton. Anyway, that would just show how much a coward you are because suicide is a cowardly act. Just your style to do away with yourself and leave me here to raise a kid and keep house payments going. Why, I'd have to go to work thanks to you. NO, no, no. Well I suppose, looking on the bright side, I'd be able to marry someone who's a real man, not the puny pathetic wimp that you are" . . . and so on.

One advantage of a city school was the travelling. Bus to the ferry, then the ferry, and then short bus ride to school. All in all, about an hour fifteen minutes each way. He liked the ferry mostly because it took around forty minutes and was relaxing. This morning, as he watched the harbour slide by, his thoughts returned to this morning.

Just an empty threat, that's what it was, and not the first time his dad had shouted the threat. (Sigh) if only there was a way to shut his mother's mouth. What she really needed was some fella to shove his cock down her throat and silence her. Ha, fat chance (giggling). That's' not a nice thing to think about yer mother, Ryan.

But I reckon me days at this school are numbered. Pity though. I'm doing well scholastically and made the athletic squad. Strange how Jimmie Tandara and me fit well together. In every sprint contest we've had, he's only beaten me by a fraction of a second. If'n I were to train serious like, I reckon I could take him. I like him in other ways too; got some colour in his family because he's tanned all over. The thing is one of his leg's is shorter than the other, not by much, but he still has a limp. Is this why he always beats me? I dunno.

Hey, here am I whinging about meself when Tommo is probably going through worse. Crap! If the news gets out he's a homo I shudder to think what may happen. So, what would I do? What I'd do is stand by him. Ok, I'll get hammered with guilt by association, but I'm not gonna abandon him. That would make me a coward, a craven coward. Tommo and me, we'se gotta stand together.

Me Da wouldn't kill himself, would he? Nah.

## Chapter Seven

### 7.1

There is no such state as absolute secrecy; the higher the level of secrecy the more prone it becomes to exposure. Such was the issue of Tommos expulsion with Nurse Gladys of the Grammar School.

Martin Cradox had hurt his hand in the fight with Tommo but thought nothing of it. After several days the pain worsened, and his cronies urged him to go see the nurse. In the main he despised blokes that ran to the nurse every time they were injured, but the pain was getting to him. He decided to seek help. When he arrived, Nurse Gladys was on the phone, so he had to wait outside the infirmary. A combination of poor soundproofing and Gladys Chalmers poor hearing proved to be fatal. People with poor hearing tend to speak loudly without knowing they do so. She was on the phone to Vera Primson.

." . . Yes Vera, I was appalled when Mr Wilcox told me about the boy . . . the Davis boy I mean. It alarmed me to learn that we are harbouring a homosexual in the student body. . .." _(Listening)_

"Yes, of course, you were right to get the truth from his previous school. I know the college and it has a reputation of being a fine Christian school. I can imagine their horror when the indecent behaviour incident was brought to their attention. In addition to expelling him I would've brought the police . . ." ( _Listening_ )

"No, the Headmasters right, we should do nothing to upset the boys, and if somehow the news gets out, we can always say we couldn't do anything as the young fellow is a junior and the law stops us from taking any further . . ." ( _Listening_ )

"No, it's best you do nothing further; the Headmaster is going to ask Pastor Cedric to make mention of these foul activities at next Sunday Service, and to remind them of God's law as laid down in the Bible. That should. . .." ( _Listening_ )

"Yes, I'm the same, I hate these colder months. Apart from the cold, my power bill goes sky-high and there's nothing I can do about it. . .." ( _Listening_ )

"Did you, umm that's interesting. Did you have to wait a long time before the serviceman came" . . . ( _Listening_ )

"I think it's worth looking into; do you have the number handy . . . (Pause, writing down a phone number) yes, I've got that. Thanks for sharing with me, I'll give them a call as soon as we're finished . . ." ( _Listening_ )

"Ok, yes nice to talk again. Look after yourself; maybe we can go have coffee again when we're free. Bye now."

Sitting outside Martin Cradox couldn't believe his ears.

The Davis kid is a poofter! His previous school expelled him for indecency. Wow! Oh wow, am I gonna have some fun with this . . . a queer, a filthy rotten queer. Jesus, I hate 'em; just thinking about what they'se do with each other makes me sick. Kissing, cuddling, and stick'n their cocks up each other's arse is disgusting. Disgusting! I'll haveta think this one through and . . .

Just then, the nurse came out and was surprised to find Cradox sitting in the waiting room. She was mildly alarmed, but immediately dismissed any concerns.

There's no way he could've heard her talking to Vera. Maybe if the news got out, the kids would act against the Davis boy and solve all our problems. That may be an interesting path to explore.

_"_ Come in lad; let's see what's troubling you."

<><><><>

### 7.2

Suddenly Ryan locked eyes with Jimmy Tandara. In an instant, an unspoken understanding passed between the two boys. For several days now, the tension had been growing and could no longer be ignored. Now, with just the two of them, they faced each other across the shower room and silently acknowledged their mutual attraction.

Ryan found difficulty in breathing, his heartbeat soared, and he had difficulty in swallowing. Before him, Jimmy Tandara stood enticingly in all his naked beauty. His all-over tan, dark brown eyes and black hair suggested perhaps indigenous heritage, which was offset by Caucasian origins. His medium sized uncircumcised cock was now slightly elevated and indicated arousal. At the same time, Ryan's member began to behave badly, and added to his discomfort. Both boys were confused and somewhat embarrassed by their reaction. Almost as one, they turned around and faced the shower-wall elevating faces to the stream of hot water.

The moment passed as quickly as it occurred, but forever burned in memory.

Grabbing towels, ostensibly to dry themselves but really to hide the conflicting facial emotions that warred within, they silently and briskly towelled themselves dry. As Jim turned away, he exposed his perfect buttocks, which sent Ryan into another spasm of lust. Neither lad knew what to do next; one thing was sure however, they couldn't act on their attraction whilst at school. As Tandara lived about 50kms from Ryan, getting together after school or on weekends was impossible.

Sadly, they just had to live with knowledge of their attraction without being able to do anything about it. Fear of exposure at school and the subsequent fall-out was uppermost in their minds, as was the reaction of family and cops. The spell broke when the coach entered the room and beckoned.

"Come in here gentlemen _, (both lads followed the coach into his small office)_ I want to talk about your training for the Inter-Schools Carnival."

They had to sit uncomfortably close as the coach continued,

"I assigned you both six laps of the oval after regular training, as I want you in peak condition for the upcoming carnival. Both of you are the school's hope for success in your class, so I want you to take the encounter seriously. _(Ryan went to interrupt but the coach waved him into silence)_. No Ryan, just hear me out, this won't take long. I've made up a package for you both to follow rigidly over the next four weeks. It covers diet, physical training, and mental preparation. The last is very important and is something you can practice together, because being in the right frame of mind is just as important as peak physical condition. I expect you'll have plenty of questions, but first read what I've given you, then come see me and we can talk about any concerns. Now, off you go."

Both lads got up with an uncertain smile and left the coach's office. That night Ryan re-lived the moment in the shower room.

Our eyes are truly mirrors into our souls. The look in his eyes was painful. I watched as desire was chased away by fear, the same fear that coursed through me. Shit, how I wanted to touch him, feel the ridges of his muscles, and hold him close. His lips, those cupid's bow lips; I just wanted to taste them, to run my tongue over his tongue and taste his essence. Surely, he's going through the same confused emotions as me. I've never felt like this before, certainly not with Gus or Tommo. But it's all fucked up. We can't do anything at school except exist in painful isolation, after all I don't want to end up like Tommo. Can I talk to him privately about us? Possibly . . . if I had the courage. The trouble is he's probably feeling threatened like I am. We're just kids after all, and don't know how to handle the situation. If I approached him sexually, he'd clam up; for sure, I'd do the same. Fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck it! Baby Jesus, If'n yer listening to me please take this pain away. To make matters worse, we'll have to be close to each other in the lead up to the athletic carnival. (Sigh) Will I be left each night to cry my lonely tears into my lonely pillow?

<><><><>

### 7.3

The next day they both tried to ignore each other. Whilst they were bonded together in the athletic programme, they had quite separate circles of friends, and were thus able to keep apart socially. Nonetheless, their commitment to the school and each other athletically, meant they couldn't avoid being chummy. So, by the time Ryan entered the gym to undress for training he was super nervous. Then,

"Hey Ryan how'd you go with the stuff coach asked us to read?"

"Yeah Ok, I mean except for the stuff about mental preparation. I must be dumb but lotta things didn't make much sense."

"What for instance?"

_"(Thinking out loud)_ umm, staring at the finish line, deep breathing, and telling yerself that yer gonna win . . . that stuff."

"Pretty sensible for me. Fact is I do some of that now so it's not new t'me at all. Once you get used to it, it becomes part of you. I reckon that's why I've always had the edge when you and I go head-to-head in the trials. ( _Laughing_ ) Shit, I'm giving away my secrets now."

Geeze, I love it when he smiles.

"Hey I don't look at it that way; you're just sharing and helping a fellow runner. I hope, if I have questions, I can ask you? _(Tandara nodded Ok)_ By the way, how do you want to be called - Jim, James, or Jimmy?"

_"(Self-consciously_ ) I suppose Jim. James is too formal, and Jimmy is too girlish. My girlfriend . . .

Girlfriend?

. . . gets cranky when she hears someone call me Jimmy."

"What's her name?"

" _(Cautiously_ ) umm, Jedda. Jedda Williams. Why do you ask?"

Jedda is an indigenous girl name. I 'spose he is mixed blood then which is why he's such a good athlete. Aborigines are well known for their athletic abilities.

"( _Defensive_ ) Only so I can remember her name when I meet her next. I'm a shocker when it comes to names."

"( _Warily_ ) Oh I don't believe you'll meet. She doesn't like coming to sports events, or even social outings. She's very shy. What about you, do you have a girlfriend?"

"Nah, no sheilas'll have me. Seems I'm not very romantic and they reckon all I want is sex, sex, and sex."

"( _Laughing_ ) Ha, ha, don't we all."

They fell silent; the memory of the previous day's revelation was at the foremost of both their minds. However, neither boy knew what to do about it. So, they just continued their banter.

"Getting back to the mind conditioning ideas the coach outlined in the stuff he gave us? Need any help?"

"( _Confused_ ) Yeah, I do. Bit nerdy for me; I mean, what about Don Bradman, d'yer think he goes in for that crap?"

"Don't know, but lots of sportsmen are doing it. Don't knock it Ryan, until you've given it a go. Let's try something. Sit here, close yer eyes and do what I tell yer."

"( _Chuckling and sitting down_ ) Alright, shoot."

" _(Soft but firm voice_ ) Now yer at the track and ready to start the 100 yards. You can see the tape down at the finish line; you can hear the enthusiastic chants of the crowd; yer heart is pounding and yer stoked with adrenalin. Suddenly, the start gun goes off and yer running, running as fast as ya can. Feel it, the excitement, the power in yer legs, and the need to win. Can you feel it?"

"Yeah, I can. I'm running best I can. Now what's . . .?"

"All of a sudden you sense a competitor closing in on ya. He's going fast, so if ya don't do something he'll win. Ok? ( _Ryan nodded vigorously)_ So ya call up all yer reserves of energy and transfer more power to yer legs. He's still there, but ya sense he's not gaining on you. Tell me what you feel?"

"The wind in my face, I can feel the wind in my face. I can hear someone close, legs punching into the turf; the crowd yelling."

"Great, now comes the main part; you see the finish line, the tape across the track and you want nothing more in this life but to win. You empty yer brain from any other thoughts except the desire to win, win, win, WIN! Yer running faster than you've ever run before, faster than you ever thought you could run before. Are you with me, Ryan; are you with me?"

"Yes, Oh yes. I feel . . . powerful, I'm the champ, I'm the fastest kid in the whole world!"

"Great! Yer a winner. Do you see the tape? Do you feel the power? Do you want to win? Closer . . . closer now . . . closer, yer almost there and yer still in front. . .. Closer . . . closer . . . and, you've won! The crowd starts to cheer, other runners are congratulating you. You've won. Are ya with me?"

"( _Breathlessly_ ) Shit! I'm exhausted, even me heart's going fast. Wow, that's plenty powerful stuff. Shit! ( _Laughing_ ) That was powerful. I need a second to catch me breath. ( _Panting_ ) Is this what you do? Is this what you do before any race?"

"Yep, I stare down at the finish line and psych meself to win. Practice, practice, and more practice mate, that's what it's all about. Now, at the Carnival our biggest race is the team baton, and you're running third string with me as the final part. Start focussing on me as you jog forwards. You're the key, Ryan, if you can make up a lot of ground with your segment, I'll win the race easily from there. We can do it champ, we're a team you and I - we will do it! Are you with me?"

"( _Enthusiastically_ ) All the way, all the way my friend. Don't worry about me, I won't let you or the team down. Shit, that's' good, I mean the mind conditioning stuff; that's fuckin' powerful; I'll beat you yet Jimbo, I will. Ummm ( _softly_ ) . . . thanks fer sharing."

"Forget it."

They finished training preparation in companiable silence, but there was still an elephant in the room, and it wasn't going away. All through the night at home, Jim had been thinking about the matter. Something had to be done, or this new-found bonding might be destroyed. Believing there was nothing to lose, he ventured,

"( _Hesitantly_ ) Ryan, can we talk about yesterday, please. I mean what happened in the showers . . ."

"Yeah, if you like. I mean I wanted to say something but don't know what to say. It's all right Jimbo, I'm plenty tough."

There was an uncomfortable silence as Ryan waited for Jim to continue.

"I . . . I like you Ryan . . . I like you a lot. Ummm, you know I like you a lot, and I guess you like me _(Ryan just nodded, and his heart was pounding_ ). Any other time or any other place maybe we could explore our feelings but right now mate, I can't give you what you want _(Ryan went to interrupt but Jim silenced him)_. No hear me out please. By now you've guessed I'm part aboriginal; my great, great grandfather was full blooded, and I carry his genes. When . . ."

" _(Ryan cut in before Jim could silence him)_ Jimbo you don't haveta say anything. Don't stress yerself, we'll just pretend it never happened and leave it at that. Trust me, it's Ok. I decided . . ."

"No, please let me finish. I must let you know about my own feelings boyo. You need to know what I'm about. No, we need to talk mate, and clear the air. Understand?"

"Ok, but don't stress out on my account."

"Thanks. You know I'm only here at this posh school because I'm on a scholarship. In a sense they're bigots and still look down on me because of my abbo origins. I can't give them any excuse to suspend or expel me. Not only would that destroy me, but It would devastate my extended family. As well, my people look down on homosexuals just as yours do. They call us 'sister boys,' a derogatory term. When . . . "

" _(Ryan interrupted)_ so you are like me. You don't know how much that means to me, Jimbo. Oh god that's such a relief."

"Hold on, listen to what I've got to say. When I realised who I am, I had to make an awful decision never to let anyone know about me. I've also never acted on my feelings, never had any kind of male relationship, and everything was going great until you came along. I found I had deep feelings for you and that scared the shit outta me, really scared me. I could feel my resolve slipping and I began to panic. It made matters worse when we became rivals at athletics . . . geeze, I'm really pouring me heart out here. I hope . . ."

'Hey Jimbo, don't sweat it. I think we needed to have this talk so's you can get some shit off yer liver. I'm flattered that you like me, really thrilled, and just for the record I'm attracted to you . . . very much. But having said that, I understand yer problem. Shit, it must be bad to have all that family stuff on yer shoulders, and I respect where yer comin' from. For your info, a mate o' mine has just been expelled from his school for . . . for . . . indecent behaviour and I know the problem it's caused him and his folks. I'm not gonna allow that to happen here, so rest assured I've got yer back. Because I . . . ( _choke_ ) . . . because I . . . like you I'm gonna make sure nuthin bad happens. This's what's gonna go down. I want to be close mates with yer and that's it. Nothing more. I don't want t'lose ya as a friend, because that would be a shame. I reckon we're gonna be the best o' mates. Is that Ok?"

"I ( _choke_ ) . . . don't deserve a friend like you Ryan; yer the best mate a bloke can have. I know how hard it is to keep yer emotions all locked away; I've been there as I'm sure you have. Are you really Ok with us just being best mates?"

"Put it this way, Jimbo, if'n you told me to piss off and stay away, I'd be destitute. That would make me unhappy. If I can keep our friendship going that's good enough . . . more than good enough."

"( _Softly_ ) Thanks Ryan. You've gone so far up in my estimation yer almost in orbit. You really are a very nice person, and . . . someone will be very lucky to have your love. I wish it could be me, but . . .( _sigh_ )"

"All the same Jimbo, how long do yer reckon you'll keep yer secret? After all, yer a human being and you . . . we, have the same needs as other blokes. You can't repress yerself forever, because it'll eat away at ya and probably make ya sick – in the heads I mean. Take the time to think about what I just said, please."

"I have, believe me I have . . . heaps. You can't imagine the time I've spent wrestling with the problem, but, I must face reality. You know how our society views homosexuals and then how they look down on aborigines. If yer an abbo as well as a homosexual yer up shit creek without a paddle. Not pleasant. _(looking down_ ) I don't know how long I can keep me secret, I don't know mate. I know, at some point, my secret'll come out, but I can only hope it doesn't until I'm a lot older. ( _Sigh_ ) Then someone like you comes along and all I want is to . . . is to . . . well, you know. I'm treading on very thin ice, but it's the only path I can tread at this point. Geeze, I hope you can understand."

Ryan stood, walked up to Jim, and gave him a fierce friendly hug.

"( _Emotionally_ ) Yer a beautiful man y'are Jimbo. Before we had this talk, I thought I had all the problems in the world, but after listening to you I realise I'm not so bad. If anything, I feel closer t'ya now than I did before. We'll get through this shit together mate because we've got each other's back. Someday, we'll hopefully look back with pride at how we journeyed through this difficult time. Until the day I die and even beyond, you'll be me best mate. I care that much."

"Wow, wow that's powerful. Likewise, for me. There's a lot about you Ryan Seaton to love. I'm honoured to have you as a close friend."

"Thanks. Hey, let's go and get training over, so I can perve on you in the shower."

"Arsehole, now I won't be able to stop giggling."

## * * *

### 7.4

Later Jim sat on the back step of the family's modest cottage in Bankstown. His baby nephew 'Bindi' lay quietly gurgling in his pram and all Jim had to do was make sure the baby was Ok. His thoughts focussed,

Ryan's right about controlling my feelings. Even now I find it difficult, so I can't imagine how hard it'll be in future. I get stiff sometimes just looking at Ryan. He isn't as muscled as me, but he's got the cutest cheeky face that bowls me over every time, especially when he laughs. He's very sexy and sometimes my need for him just washes away any other thoughts. It's so fuck'n cruel, (long pause) why do I put meself through this shit? We both want each other physically so why shouldn't I simply act on my basic feelings. (Sigh) Here I go . . . obstacles, obstacles, and more obstacles. But I'm right, on the sensible side, I'm right. I can't do anything that might result in expulsion. Not only me but all the other abbo kids that follow me. Some bigot will simply point in my direction and say all abbos are queer. I'm not gonna let that happen. Then there's me mum and dad. When I haveta tell them I'm a poofter -scaaary!- their gonna be devastated. But it's not about them is it, it's about me, my life. I can't change who I am sexually, like I can't change who I am racially. But successfully completing Year 12 at this school is all I should worry about right now – just another five years and then I'm free to do what I want.

It ain't so big a problem when I look at it that way. Is it?

## Chapter Eight

### 8.1

." . . are ya sure Biffo? The old bag said he was a poofter. Ya sure ya heard that right?"

Martin Cradox had accosted Bert Cree as they were on their way to the cafeteria. Cradox couldn't wait to share the info he had on Tomas Davis.

"Cause I'm sure Bert, I got good ears. I know I don't have a pretty face but me hearings spot on. I heard it just like I told ya. What d'ya reckon we should do, eh?"

"I'm thinkin.' It were just Tommo Davis she mentioned, not Seaton his buddy as well?"

"Nope."

"Well we'se gotta do sumthin Biffo, we can't have a filthy poofter cruising around us. I mean just think o' being in the showers nakid with the creep. I've heard they can convert blokes like us to their filthy habit just by seduction. They kin cast a spell or sumthing and 'whoomph' we're queer. Me dad would kill me if'n I told 'im I'm a poofter; he'd kill me, for sure."

"Yeah, mine too. So what d'yer reckon we should do?"

"Well we'se gotta let the creep know we'se ontta him. Once we do that the news will go through the school like a bushfire. Once it gets out we can decide what to do then. If we heavied him without the kids knowing why, we could be in trouble. Once it's out that he's a poofter, we'se got an excuse to jump him. Also, we don't know how legit . . . ( _Biffo went to protest)_ hey, settle down mate, I believe ya, but just to make sure, we'll watch his reaction to being sprung. That'll tell us that what ya heard is riggy didge. What d'yer think?"

"Yeah, sounds good. What's the next move?"

"Sally Perkins."

"What do . . . oh yes, Sally Perkins the school's biggest gossip. Of course, one word in her ear and the whole school'll know about it faster than a speeding bullet. That's brilliant Bert. True genius."

"God, I hope so. Look, she's over there with her cronies at their regular lunch table. Why don't you go tell her that I want to talk t'her about sumthin important. Let her come to me, she can't resist gossip. Of y'go."

The ruse worked not only because the young lady in question was a terrible gossip, but she also had a crush on Bert Cree. She accosted Bert as he was eating lunch.

"Yes Sally, what can I do for you?"

"Biffo Cradox said you'se wanted to see me. Are ya finally gonna ask me out?"

"Soon darling, very soon. I just wanted to ask if you've heard anything about Tomas Davis, you know, about him being a queer? You're very popular and I reckoned if anyone would know it'd be you. Eh?"

"Nooo, no I haven't . . . wait, did you say he's queer? How . . . I mean, who told you?"

"Just what I heard. Seems someone heard the Nurse talking about him bein' expelled from his last school because he got caught havin' sex with another bloke. You ain't heard nuthin eh?"

"No, I haven't. Oh, the poor boy, I mean If this gets out he'll be in big trouble. If the Nurse knows then surely the Headmaster knows. Wow, that means it's official and we best not say a word Bert, you know how rumours are, how destructive they can be. Gee who'd know . . . Tommo Davis a poofter."

"Yeah, right, best not say anything Sally, it's just between you and me, Ok?"

"Of course, Bert, you can rely on me to keep mum. I won't say a word about the poor boy."

Within a day the whole school was buzzing with the news.

The first hint Tommo had that something was wrong was the whispering. As he walked to his locker after last class he noticed strange looks and hushed murmuring. He thought nothing of it until Bluey waylaid him walking out the school gates.

"( _Panting_ ) hey Tommo, wait up. I need to talk to ya. _(Tommo slowed and faced Bluey)._ This's important."

"What's up?"

"Haven't you heard the gossip that's going around about you?"

"No, and I don't know what yer talking about Bluey. I ain't heard nuthin."

"( _Embarrassed_ ) Geeze this is hard. There's a rumour going around that you're a . . . ummm . . . Oh, fuck! . . . that you're a homo."

"What!"

Bluey's words hit Tommo like a sledge hammer. For several seconds he just stared at Bluey unable to focus. A terrible fear coursed through him, his breathing slowed, his heartbeat soared, and he went white as blood drained from his face. In a trance, he just stared at Bluey unable to find words to respond.

"What!"

"Jesus Tommo this is serious. You gotta go to the headmaster and find out who's been spreading these lies."

"What!"

"Don't keep saying 'what' boyo, you gotta do somethin because this could get bad, real bad. If this got to the likes of Bert Cree or Biffo Cradox your dead meat. Say something Tommo. Please say something. I'm with yer, whatever you decide, I'm with yer."

There was a long silence, and the longer it grew, Bluey became increasingly uncomfortable, because Tommo had not flat out denied the rumour. He just stood, just stood still, white-faced, and distressed. Dark suspicion grew inside Bluey.

"( _Whisper_ ) It's not true is it, c'mon Tommo tell me it's not true, I'm dying here."

Something jolted Tomas out of his stupor and he stammered 'I . . . I . . . don't know', started sobbing, turned, and then ran away.

Oh my god, Oh my god. Fuck! Oh shit! Jesus, it can't be true. Oh my god . . . he is . . . he's a homo. Oh shit . . . what do I do now? Geoff, Geoff Cree!

Tomas raced home blindly motivated by fear, a deep, deep fear; fear of exposure, of ridicule, fear for himself and fear for his parents. He ran on instinct only, he had no sensation of running because all he wanted was the safety of home. To get home, to cocoon himself against all the horrors his mind envisioned.

On reaching home, he burst through the front door, headed for his room, and slammed the door closed. Shirley Davis, in the process of getting dinner ready, suddenly felt a wave of panic; she knew something was wrong, very wrong, something had happened for Tomas to act this way. She hurriedly dried her hands, put the dinner preparation aside, and quietly knocked on Tomas's door. She could hear her son convulsing with heart-breaking sobs.

Entering softly, she faced a pathetic sight. Tomas had jumped into bed and pulled the bedspread over him, so not even his head was uncovered. Racking sobs gave way to a kind of wailing not unlike an animal in distress. The sound was awful. She sat down and simply placed her hand on where his head lay, waiting for the anguish to lessen. With gentle hands, she peeled back the cover and looked down on her son.

Tomas was lying on his side sucking his thumb and his body curled up in a foetal pose. It was heartbreaking to see; she didn't want to disturb him because she worried as to his mental state. However, she had to find out what was wrong.

"( _Soothingly_ ) There, there mate, it must be bad huh?"

After a while, he nodded.

"We need to talk mate; can you please turn over and look at me."

Slowly, he turned so he faced his mother. She gasped at the state of his eyes and dead white pallor.

"C'mon now, we've been through a lot together baby; you know I'm here to help. Tell me what happened."

Haltingly and tearfully Tomas related the meeting with Bluey and how he reacted. A sense of dread overcame Shirley as she listened to her son's agony. Then this was quickly replaced with anger, a livid white-hot anger. Out loud she thought,

How dare they! How dare they cause this much suffering, just because my son's different. If only they could be here now to see what pain they've caused – are causing. I'll fight them; I'll fight them with every cell of my body.

Mother and son stayed together until Colin Davis came home. By this time Tomas was coherent and the full story emerged. They sat at the dinner table, the evening meal forgotten, and discussed strategy.

"So, you don't know who started the rumour, eh?"

"No dad; I noticed kids were looking at me strange and whispering, ( _choke_ ) and it wasn't until later that Bluey told me about the rumour. I . . . I . . . just froze, I guess. When he asked me, I think I said something like 'I don't know', something as stupid as that. I can't go through this again, I can't."

"You can, and you will. Look, this is different to the last school where you were . . . you were . . . well, you know what I mean. At this time, it's pure conjecture, because no one has access to the Christian College's records. You're a junior and, as we stipulated, the records are sealed until you're eighteen. To breach that privacy is a crime; you can be sure I'm gonna look into that aspect. Tomas, look me in the eyes lad, are you sure you haven't done anything to fuel these rumours?"

"( _Locking eyes with his dad)_ No dad I promise, I've not done anything and that's why I was so stunned when Bluey spoke to me. Do yer think I can fix it?"

"You mean 'we' don't you. We're gonna fix this; your mum and I are not gonna quit until we're assured that your safe. I'm gonna talk to the Head tomorrow and demand some answers. But you must steel yourself to look any hostility in the face, and figuratively spit them in the eye. You can do that son, I know you can."

"( _Sigh_ ) yes, yes I can. No, yes I will."

"What are you going to do about Bluey, Tomas. Can you remember what you said to him?"

"Yes mum, I reckon I said something like 'I don't know'. I'll just say I was in shock and wasn't thinking straight. Anyway, I don't mind if Bluey knows, he's a good friend and wouldn't do anything to cause harm. I trust him."

"Would it help if you asked him around and we had a talk together. It might stress how worried we are about you."

"No mum, thanks but no. I'm fourteen now and just have to accept who and what I am. This is something I have to handle myself, it's my life we're talking about, and as much as I appreciate your help, I've gotta do this myself. I hope you understand."

His father thought _'Atta boy, that's what I was hoping he'd say'._

'Alright, that's great, I'm proud of you son, real proud. Now about dinner, anyone fancy fish and chips?"

## * * *

### 8.2

#### Bluey, Geoff, Ryan talk about Tommo gay

#### What do queers look like

#### Decide to look after Tommo @ school

When Ryan came home from school, Bluey and Geoff turned up to have a pow-wow on the back steps.

." . . I tell ya, I was just floored. Tommo, our mate Tommo, a poof. . . I mean, a . . . homo. I thought he must be joking, having a lend o' me like, didn't believe he was serious until I saw his face. He was white and that was the first I suspected it was true. Geoff, what about you mate, did you cotton on to Tommo about him being a homo?"

"( _Sounding agitated_ ) Shit no! Geeze, he's just like us, don't look like a queer at all. No, I'd never have guessed. Still can't believe it, what about you Ryan?"

" _(Slowly and softly_ ) Yeah, yes, I knew, he told me just after he came down from that other school. ( _Turning to Geoff)_ What d'yer reckon a queer looks like Geoff? I don't know, do you?"

" _(A bit taken back) (Carefully)_ Yea you know, all sissy like. Walking funny, walking like a girl with a high voice. Look I dunno, never met one before, so's I can't say what one looks, but sure as hell they don't look just like us – they's different. Ummm, can yer get it just by sittin' on the same shit-house seat? I heard it's contag . . . err, . . . "

" _(From Ryan_ ) you mean contagious Geoff. I reckon that's bullshit. It's just the way we'se born, some like girls and some like boys. Point is homo's need luv as much as anyone else and they care just as anyone else. They're not a danger or a threat. Just folks same as us."

"How come you'se knows so much about 'em Ryan; you sound like you know . . .

God, I wish I could say something

. . . all about them. Tell me more, I'd like to know more."

"That's all I can say Geoff, don't know nuthin else. What about yer brother Bert, what's he got to say?"

"Ok Jesus, one time when the subject came up he started to rant about how they'se dirty, putrid and should all be kilt. I gotta tell you fellas to keep outta Bert's way because he can get nasty. I gotta warn Tommo to watch out, because him and Biffo Cradox are a right mean pair. I reckon they'se the ones that started the rumour about Tommo. ( _Turning around to Ryan)_ Hey, you've been quiet mate, whatcha thinking?"

"How d'yer reckon the rumour started? I mean I'm not at school with you'se, so I'd like to know who started it. Sally Perkins has a reputation as a gossip so I can see how the rumour spread. She's got a vicious tongue on her. Who started it Bluey?"

"No one knows, Ryan; a bit of a mystery. Why, what's yer point?"

"Anybody can start a rumour boyo, and when ya got the likes of the Perkins sheila around, it'll go through the school like a dose of salts. Look fellas, right now the damage is done and I for one am gonna stick by Tommo. He's still me mate, he's still the same person we all called mate before this vicious rumour took flight. I'm not gonna drop him just because he's a mite different – I'm bloody not! Trouble is I'm not at school with him, you shit-faces are. The point is, will you'se stand with him or not?"

There was a moment of silence as Geoff and Bluey thought about what Ryan said. Eventually,

'Yeah, yer right Ryan. I don't know about you Geoff, but Ryan's spot-on, we have to stand by him and support if it comes to a bit of biff. Yeah, I couldn't look meself in the mirror if he gets worked-over and we done nuthin t'help. That'd be a cunt of a thing to do; do nuthin I means. Wadda ya say, Geoff, will you stand up with me?"

"( _Hesitating_ ) See here fellas, I'm in a bad spot. If me old man and me brother find out I stood up for a homo, they'll savage me. You don't know me old man, he's a right-mean bastard. Remember, I've gotta live there so I gotta play it careful like. Now I know you're gonna be pissed off with me, but put yourselves in my spot, what would ya do?"

" _(From Ryan, sympathetically)_ I understand Geoff and I'm sure Tommo will understand too. Let's not get ahead of ourselves, it probably won't come to a punch-up. If it happens Geoff, the best thing you can do is find a teacher quick smart and try and stop the bashing. How does that sound?"

"Yep, that'll do, that's smart Ryan."

"Say, are you gonna go and see Tommo soon, it's Thursday now so if I were you I'd wait until Saturday. Hey, it's up to you."

"Sounds good Bluey, yeah I'll go around on Saturday. If ya sees Tommo tomorrow tell him I'm calling by on Saturday."

<><><><>

### 8.3

Tomas felt like he was going to his execution as he made his way through the main gate, through the main door, and into the school proper. Immediately, he sensed kids looking at him and whispering as he walked by. A sense of despair engulfed him.

_Is this what I must endure for the rest of my school years, and perhaps for the rest of me life? I feel so hopeless, so pathetic. It's all right for me parents to say to just ignore the nasties, but every kid wants acceptance, to be included, and not to be ostracized. I just long for simple friendship and not be the object of abuse, ridicule, and hatred_. _Haven't heard from Bluey since I ran away yesterday; that's something I gotta do, I mean, make up some story that I became frightened and couldn't think straight. Why do I feel so tired, not just me body but in me_ mind? _Never felt like that before. Ahhh, here's me first class-room._

His first class was Geography and was his favourite because he was good at it. As he went to his regular seat, Bluey waved at him friendly, as if nothing had happened. This was followed by a clumsy note passed to him, saying Bluey wanted to talk at the end of the lesson. Surprise, surprise! Tommo waited out the lesson with something akin to dread, and by the time the class ended he was a nervous wreck.

Outside in the hall, Bluey grabbed his elbow and made Tomas face him.

"Hey Tommo, slow down. I need to talk before ya go racing off. _(Tommo hesitated but then decided to listen what Bluey had to say)_. I gotta say sorry fer yesterday. I didn't mean to upset you, I was just worried about the rumour, ( _Tommo went to interrupt_ ) No, please mate, I want to clear the decks. ( _Tommo just waited uncomfortably)_ Me, Ryan, and Geoff been talkin' and . . . well, we don't care whether or not yer a homo . . . No, please let me finish. The point is there are some vicious kids at school that could make life uncomfortable for yer. All we're saying is that we're gonna back you up; we're right beside you and if anyone picks a fight with you, they'll have to go through us first. Serious mate, yer not alone, we're with ya, and so's Ryan."

Tommo looked awful, dark shadows around his eyes, sunken cheeks and, what really worried Bluey, he's developed a nervous tick down one side of his face. He looked as if he was about to implode. Bluey made a snap decision.

"Man, you don't look too good, what's say we miss this class and go to the library for a chit-chat. You gotta talk to someone Tommo, and I'm offering. Bullshit that, I insist."

Suddenly, Tomas realized he very much wanted to talk, to tell the truth, to get it all out in the open. Like with Ryan, he felt safe with Bluey, so he eagerly went along with the suggestion. Once in the library, and ignoring the librarians frosty glare, they found a quiet desk sufficiently far from nosy eavesdroppers.

When Bluey went to speak, Tommo interrupted,

"Just hear me out please mate, I gotta talk to someone other than my parents. Whilst they care for me and try to understand, the real battle for me is with kids my age. I can't live in the adult's world, I gotta live with you blokes. _(Long pause, Bluey sensed that Tommo wanted to do the talking_ ) ( _Clearing his throat)_ I . . . I . . . I'm a homo, Bluey, I gotta tell the truth because I'm sick o' lying. Having said that, I don't expect you to understand or even accept me, just know that this is the way I've been born, and I can't do nuthin about it. It's just me, and it's me for the rest o' my life."

He paused, and Bluey could see that tears were not far away, so he jumped in,

"I'd be lying if I said I understand that. But bein' born this way I can understand, because no-one, I repeat no-one, would choose to live in pain like you're going through. I admire you boyo, I don't know if I'd have the guts to turn up today and face all the crap bein' dumped on you. That takes courage. As I said, Geoff, me, and Ryan had a pow-wow and decided we're gonna watch yer back; anyone giving you pain will haveta deal with us first. Ya got that? ( _Tommo nodded)_ Ahhh on that, Geoff's got a problem to do with his cunt-faced brother and his old man. Seems he could be in shit if he stands up physically for ya. He will, however, find a teacher or any adult quickly if anyone jumps ya – best he can do. Ryan said . . ."

"Look I appreciate what yer sayin' and I'll tell Geoff I understand his problem. I don't want him to get into shit because of me. I'll talk to him. I reckon it was Bert Cree and Biffo that started the rumour and if anyone's gonna jump me it'll be those two. How they found out is something me Dads' gunna investigate. My records are supposed to be unavailable until I turn eighteen. Someone's in a whole mess of trouble. ( _Sounding_ c _oncerned_ ) Bluey, whilst I appreciate your offer, I don't want you to get involved, I don't want to see you hurt. It's my problem and I'm gunna have to face up. What's really important for me is to know ya care. That's the first kind words I've gotten since yesterday. I can't tell you how much that means t'me. Yer a good bloke Bluey and I'll never forget yer kindness."

"Geeze enough of that, I'll be bawling me eyes out like some sheila if you keep saying nice things to me. Oh, Ryan said he'll pop around to see ya this weekend, asked me to tell ya. What are ya gunna do now?"

"Not sure boyo, I'll just wait and see how it all plays out. ( _Pause_ ) Hey, ( _Laughing_ ) the old bag's giving us the evil-eye, so we'd better get back to class. ( _He placed his hand on Bluey's shoulder and gave it a friendly squeeze_ ) Thanks Bluey, thanks heaps."

However, in the world of the Nineteen Fifties, being a homosexual was anathema to Government, Religion, Police, and worst of all, schoolkids. The pressure and antagonism started slowly but gradually gained momentum. Name calling, physical hassling, abuse of property and shunning became the norm in Tomas's life. Every day he was singled out for 'treatment'. Not a day went by when he wasn't abused, and every night he lay awake dreading the coming day. His parents became alarmed, as a young healthy lad went from being alive to merely existing.

<><><><>

### 8.4

They were an unmatched pair, one spindly and the other built like a tank. Vera Primson and Gladys Chambers sat in a tea room some ways from school in the late afternoon. Worry was writ all over, as they pondered their predicament.

"I never thought Gladys I'd feel compassion for a . . . a . . . goodness, I can't even say the word . . . you know what I'm talking about ( _Gladys nodded_ ). The way the kids are hounding young Davis is cruel and what makes it worse is that I may have played a part in his torment."

"Vera don't be so hard on yourself, the news could've been leaked a number of ways. It wasn't just us that knew about the kid being queer. The people at his old school also knew – well, some of them did – and anyone could've blown the whistle. Don't be silly."

'No, I talked to the secretary of his old school and she assured me that no-one would say a word because of the legal issue relative to these juvenile records."

"That's got me curious, sealed records can only be ordered after a court case. Was the boy charged with anything?"

"No, but the Davis's lawyer arranged for the records to be sealed because he's a junior. But nevertheless, I firmly believe the leak came only from our school and that points the finger at you and me. You mentioned one of the pupils was waiting for attention when you and I were talking. He must have heard you Gladys, and then started the rumour. There's no other explanation. Only you, myself and the Headmaster knew details of the matter, and I'm certain the leak didn't come from him and I. That only leaves out telephone talk."

"Ok, maybe, probably, so what! So, the little twerp heard fragments of our conversation and broadcast the news. So, what. I couldn't care less, and neither should you. We haven't done anything wrong, so stop worrying. I do declare Vera, you're such a worry wart."

"( _Sigh_ ) I just hope you're right Gladys, I just hope you're right."

<><><><>

### 8.5

"D'yer reckon we should be talkin' here, it's not exactly private."

"Don't worry Biffo, the best way to hold a private conversation is in a public place like the cafeteria here. You wanted to talk, so talk."

"Jesus Bert, I wanna throw up every time I see that poofter walkin' around like he's normal. He needs a bloody lesson he does, a lesson that'll say, 'we don't want yer filth here at our school'. Why hasn't the headmaster done somethin', we know he's aware of the kids' perversion and yet he does nuthin. Me dad says killin' too good fer him and he should be made to suffer fer his sins. He keeps askin me why he's still here and I ain't got no answer for him. Every time I sees him, I wanna bash his bloody brains out. I seen me dad get real mad at times, but about this he's rabid – he hates them queers. I gotta do sumthin or me Da is gonna think I'm queer too."

"( _Laughing_ ) No chance of that boyo, yer about as normal as yer get. Although ya stink a bit; should bath more often. ( _Biffo flushed crimson)_ Don't sweat it mate, it's a good manly smell and I know the sheilas love it. My Dad's the same, he hates these faggots and like yours, is wondering why the school don't act. I share yer concern, and I reckon we gotta do sumthin - ya knows what I'm talking about."

"Yep, whatya think we do?"

"( _Thoughtful_ ) Well nuthin can happen here at school cause we'd be sprung by someone and might be nabbed by the cops. That wouldn't do, no point in us getting lumbered with a charge. My old man 'spects me to be a bit brainier. Not that the cops would do much, cause we'd be doin their job for em. ( _Laughing_ ) Might even be made citizens of the year. How about I think on it and let you know on the weekend. I'll mosey around to your place say, Saturday arvo."

"Ok, I feel better just knowing we're gonna do something. Till Saturday then."

<><><><>

### 8.6

." . . oh my god, oh . . . what . . . please . . . oh man, what 're you doing Gus? . . . oh, shit that's fantastic . . . it feels . . . oh fuck . . . don't stop . . ."

Ryan lay on his back with legs pulled backwards exposing his bumhole. Gus was giving him his first Rosebud and Ryan was squirming with pleasure. They'd discussed doing this several times, but Ryan had always reneged, saying it was too yukky. Now with Gus's tongue gently probing and stimulating the nerves around his opening, Ryan was in heaven. As Gus continued torturing him, the urge for Gus's cock intensified.

"Oh, shit man, this is torture, I can't stand any more, me bums on fire; please, please finger me, I need penetration to stop the torment."

"No little one, I'm gonna keep tonguing you until you scream to be fucked."

When he sensed Ryan had been tormented enough, Gus – whose cock was also in dire need – lined up his cock-head and gently penetrated the lad watching as torment gave way to pleasure. Sensing Ryan's sexual distress and need for relief, he gentled his penetration so they both achieved a shattering release. Ryan's climax was substantial, lengthy, and loud.

Recovering, they started to talk – mainly Ryan, and about school and Tommo.

"I've gotta say Gus, I appreciate you teaching me about sex and stuff. I know I'm lucky to find someone like you to not abuse me. I was only thinkin' the other night, whilst sex is about pleasure, it's also about learning what and how, so that a kid like me ain't harmed. I'm lucky I guess."

" _(Pulling Ryan closer in a cuddle)_ Yeah I knows what ya mean. I was lucky too; me cousin was a few years older when I turned fourteen and he coached me in the safe and pleasurable ways of sex. Others ain't so lucky, and having been abused, they have a negative attitude towards sex, which is a shame, a bloody shame. Anyway, what's goin' on with you little man?"

"Me and Jimmy Tandara are still pussey-footing round each other, neither one of us wants t'make the first move. I gotta respect his problem because he's got more at stake than yours truly. I am drawn t'him Gus, the first time in me life I've had a genuine crush on someone . . . Oh god, I hope I haven't upset you . . . ummm, talking about someone else . . .?"

"( _Laughing_ ) No, of course not. Look you and me, we're good friends, as they say, friends with benefits. Fact is I'd encourage you to fool around with someone else, just so long as yer don't get burned. Know what I mean?"

"( _Cautiously_ ) Yeah, I guess so. No, . . . I don't really, but it's Ok as long as me yarning about Jimmy don't make you angry. I'd hate t'lose you as a friend mostly. Sex is one thing but losing you as a friend would be awful. Anyway, surely you must have someone your age to be friends with?"

"Oh, I did have someone, and we were very close. His name was Peter and it were a bit like you and me, damn good friendship, and bloody great sex. ( _Wistful_ ) He had to move to Melbourne with his folks, and that was that. Shame really but tell me about this Jimmy."

"I reckon it'll always be an arm's length friendship. I told ya that he's got abbo blood in him, didn't I?"

'Yeah."

"Well it seems that aborigines look down on homo's even more than us white folks do. He's gunna supress any homo feelings because of the danger he faces. Add to that he's on a scholarship, so if he got canned from school, it'd be bad, not only fer him but for all aborigines. I don't quite follow the last part, but that's the way he's thinking. I had to promise . . ."

"Bullshit! I reckon that's bullshit. He can't suppress his feelings . . . no, his needs any more than you and I can. Yer sex drive is one of the most powerful of our senses and you can only suppress it short-term. He's gotta let it out sometime. When he gives in, it'll be a monster. I just hope it's you he chooses."

"( _Hesitantly_ ) So do I, I'll just wait and see. ( _Pause_ ) My biggest problem is me mate Tommo. He's being savaged at school so me mate Bluey tells me. Somehow it got out that he's a homo and this being the cause why he was expelled from his first school. He's same age as me; I don't think I could stand it if I had to wear abuse every day. Apparently, the sheilas are the worst, although I'm sure Bert Cree ain't far behind."

"Shit! How did they find out? Didn't you tell me his records were sealed because he's a juvie? Shit, if someone's spilled the beans, they're in big shit."

"Yeah, I mean I don't know much about legal stuff, but if the cops start investigating I'd hate to be the one who blabbed. More to the point I hope the fuckwit, whoever he, she, or they are, does some serious time. I only spoke to Bluey this morning; he asked me t'go see Tommo cause he's worried. Seems he looks like shit."

"Who wouldn't be, Christ he's only fourteen and don't have the maturity to carry a load of personal crap. It's really up to the school Ryan, to look after him. They have a duty of care. Just think yerself if ya had to contend with verbal abuse day in, day out. It'd drive me up the wall. Yer right, better look after him."

"I have, been thinking that is. It's why me and Jimmy are scared of being exposed as homos. I'd get a swift kick in the arse, from home, from school. Wouldn't mind getting' kicked outta home, but school? That'd be hard to bear. I reckon that's why I value sein' you each Saturday Gus, you take the pressure off me – sex wise I mean."

"( _Laughing_ ) Ya mean I'm sorta like a doctor that gives ya relief every week. Ummm, not a bad way t'look at it. Being serious, you make sure you go and see yer mate soon, he needs a friendly face."

And when he finally caught up with Tommo, the next day, he was shocked

## Chapter Nine

### 9.1

Although he'd tried to ignore the taunts and insults, Tommo was gradually being ground down. Every day was not the same, some days the abuse was light but other days severe. Except for Geoff and Bluey, he had no friends. The three boys lunched together when they could, but when the other two lads couldn't, he ate alone. His locker was vandalised. 'Fag', "Poofter' and other hurtful slogans were painted on the door, and he just got tired of trying to erase the vandalising. Then one day someone broke into his locker and defaced his textbooks.

As each day passed he drifted further into depression which brought about lifelessness. His whole focus was to just get through each day at school, then home to recoup. He went downhill slowly, and no one noticed. And no one helped. The teaching staff were completely aware of Tommo's plight, but they wouldn't or couldn't help. The matter was never raised at staff meetings; it was a clear breach of the school's duty of care and the Headmaster was primarily responsible.

Why?

It was the nineteen fifties, and such issues of same-sex attraction were not discussed in gentile company. Tomas did not give the school authorities any cause for expulsion, so everyone hoped the pressure would make him leave. Where? . . . Anywhere! Out of sight meant out of mind.

Shirley and Colin Davis were increasingly alarmed at Tomas's mental state. In those days counselling was not available at school, and seeing a 'head-shrink', or being placed in the care of a Psychiatrist, was a social stigma. It was any parent's nightmare – to watch your only child be punished for simply being different, something over which he had no control. Colin Davis visited with the Headmaster Allan Wilcox, on several occasions, pleading with him to take some action. Whilst expressing sympathy – unctuously - the Head's position was that no rules had been broken, no culprits exposed, and none of society's laws broken. He stressed that nothing was to interfere with their main purpose, to ensure students did well in their exams.

So, the school program continued, blindly ignoring the plight of one of their students.

But what about Tomas?

It wasn't so much the solitude that concerned him, it was the total absence of help. Yes, he had his parents, Geoff, and Bluey, but all they could do was try and alleviate the pain of past cruelties. There was no-one he could go to who could stop the torment, who could advise him, and who could speak on his behalf. A lawyer would advise against legal action because no laws had been broken, and the charge of failing to provide a duty of care was difficult to prove.

And so, the young kid just existed in isolation, awaiting his fate, whatever that may be.

<><><><>

### 9.2

With his Grandmother in poor health, Tomas always visited her after school on Mondays. She hadn't been told of Tomas's sexual orientation because no one wanted to add any distress to the old girl whilst she was ailing.

It was a rainy afternoon, and Tomas walked along his Grandmother's street hunched up against the drizzle. He never heard the footsteps behind him till suddenly he was pushed hard, landing on his back. Looking up, he recognized Bert Cree and Biffo Cradox as his attackers; plainly this wasn't a social visit because hatred was writ all over their faces.

THUMP! Tomas screamed as Cree drove his boot into his balls. He painfully curled up as protection, and then received a savage boot to his head. This from Biffo.

"( _THUMP_ ) You bloody filthy poofter, you and yer kind don't deserve to live because of yer foul and sinful habits. ( _THUMP_ ) Get this message, fagott, we don't want yer kind at our school. We wants ya gone. Kick him Bert."

THUMP! THUMP! Cree responded by two savage kicks to Tomas's chest, who was now groaning in agony. In tandem they kicked his head, then his chest and then his head again. Another kick to his buttocks sent waves of pain up his back.

To the yells of, 'Poofter', 'fagott', 'Queer', 'Cock-sucker', and others, they continued the attack and then one final savage kick to his testicles again. This brought forth a piercing scream, and brought several neighbours running. At the first sign of other people, the two culprits ran, but the damage had been done. Tommo lay writhing in pain and bleeding severely from head wounds. The blood flowed down his face, then his neck and finally seeped onto his chest. He was a frightening sight, and his continual wailing in pain convinced the first arrivals to call an ambulance. Eventually, his pain was too much, and he passed out.

When the ambulance arrived, the paramedics stemmed the blood flow, but fearing broken ribs and other internal damage, particularly brain injury, he was taken to Emergency at the local Hospital. From his school bag they obtained his name, and then Shirly Davis was notified. Around the same time a spectator called the police. Tomas was in such a seriously injured state that it was obvious a severe crime had been committed. This wasn't just a brawl between school kids, it had all the markings of a planned attack.

Shirley put the phone down and just stood staring at the wall. It took some time for the shock to subside and then be replaced by a terrible numbing fear. She called Colin, then a cab, and then the hospital. According to the Reception he'd been taken to x-ray and then to intensive care.

Arriving at the hospital she went straight to Intensive Care. Tomas lay immobile in a coma that had been artificially induced by the medics. His face had been cleaned up and, except for the bandages around his head, he looked almost peaceful. A doctor quietly appeared beside her and after checking Tomas's vitals he offered an analysis.

"He's been put into a coma for the time being because he had some significant damage to his head. It's not a very deep coma, so as soon as we're confident there's no brain damage we'll bring him back. Don't worry, he's going to be fine. His ribs are badly bruised but thankfully, not broken. Unfortunately, he's going to be in some severe pain for a while but, at his age, the body is very resilient. All going well, we'll review his situation in two days' time and if all 's ok, we'll send him home."

"Oh, thank you doctor, that's a relief. My husband's due to arrive and he'll be relieved to hear that. Was he badly beaten, I mean how serious was the attack?"

"Frankly I'm concerned, he's just your normal teenager undergoing all the confusing changes that happen to boys at his age. Why anyone would want to do this is a mystery to me. The police will be here shortly and I'm going to have to tell them about the severity of the attack. Does the lad have any bad enemies?"

Shirley was so angry she just poured out her heart.

"Well doctor I don't know how to say this . . . it's very difficult and I don't like talking in public. Can we go somewhere private? I know you're busy, but I, err we, would like to talk to you. Can I bring my husband by when he arrives?"

"Sure, if you feel it's that serious and will help us understand what's happened, by all means. Just ask the duty nurse to page me when your hubbie arrives."

Eventually, Tomas's parents and the doctor sat down in the hospital cafeteria where they had some privacy. Colin Davis started the conversation,

"Doctor . . ."

"Umm, please call me Matt."

"Err, thanks Matt. Our son has been subjected to harassment at his school, Manly Boys High and, frankly, we've been very concerned for some time about his mental state. We don't think he's handling the pressure very well; plainly put, some of the abuse has been nasty."

"Oh, I see; am I to assume that this latest attack is just a continuation of the bullying at school? The police are involved, and they want a report from me on his injuries. I'll mention he's been brutalized before, but why? Why would a nice-looking lad like your son be imperilled by dangerous harassment?"

"Doctor . . . sorry Matt, as my husband said, this harassment has been going on some time. We believe it's because our son is . . . how shall II say . . . different, and because of this he's been singled out for abuse. He's only just turned . . . "

'Sorry, but Mrs Davis . . . "

"Shirley please."

"( _Nodding_ ) Shirley. What do you mean different? Different in what way?"

'He's . . . a . . . ummm . . ."

"What my wife is trying to say is our son's a homosexual. He was caught having an affair at a Christian College and expelled. We wanted to keep the offense secret to protect him, so we hired a lawyer who forced the school to seal their documents until our son reached eighteen years. Somehow, and I haven't got to the crux of the matter yet, but somehow, the matter has been leaked and made public at his new school, Manly Boys High."

"Oh my god! Oh, that's awful, now I can understand why the boy was targeted. To make the situation worse, this isn't going to go away is it? Kids at school can be cruel. ( _Pause_ ) I just don't know how to advise you."

"Can he be cured? Is there some treatment he can undergo?"

"Not really Shirley, the fact is we know very little about same sex attraction. The more illiterate of our citizens will say that it's a choice perverted people make, but I reject this approach. Why would anyone choose to live in misery. No, that's too simple and frankly ignorant. The problem usually stems from certain utterances in the bible that religious people attribute to God. I reject this again, to me these statements are just the earliest forms of Homophobia. But be that as it may, we're back to how to help your son. _(Long pause, both parents leaned forward in anticipation)_ The Psychiatric fraternity regards homosexuality as a mental illness and has put forward several ways of treating the condition."

"You mean there are ways my son can be helped? Please, please Matt, tell us, we'll do anything to make him better, anything."

"There are treatments called Aversion therapy, which have been tried without any convincing success. If you want to proceed I'll try and find someone locally who would be willing to help Tomas. But, once again I must stress . . ."

"What do you mean 'Aversion Therapy' Matt, can you try and explain what is meant by that term?"

"( _long pause)_ I don't have any specifics Colin, but there are two forms of treatment. Firstly, electric shock procedure, and then using chemicals to alter the brain somehow. Of course, you're going to ask what I mean as 'electric shock procedure ( _both parents nodded)_ I haven't seen it applied but I believe the patient sits in a darkened room wired up to some sort of electrical apparatus. On a screen, images of naked men and women are flashed on the screen. In your son's case electric jolts would accompany the naked male images to associate male nudeness with pain. After that . . ."

"That's awful, that's barbaric, that's like something out of the Inquisition, it's callous. I can't allow my son to be subjected to such a relic of the dark ages, never!"

"I agree with you Colin, I wouldn't want any of my kids to undergo such barbarism. Unfortunately, the chemical approach is worse. The patient is introduced to certain chemicals that lower his sex drive, ultimately leading to chemical castration. It's ugly.!"

"Oh my, if I were to subject Tomas to such measures I could never look him in the eye again. ( _Sigh_ ) What about results Matt, have these . . . these. . . methods been successful. I mean, are there any guarantees Tomas would be cured. I'd only allow such treatment if there's a reasonable chance of success."

"Sorry Shirley, I can't answer you. All I can do is send you to a Psychiatrist who has more experience. I can certainly do that, but before I do I want you to consider something. ( _Both the Davis's looked expectant)_ You see, it's not Tomas that has a problem, it's our society. If homosexuality is accepted as a normal lifestyle then Tomas wouldn't have a problem. I personally believe that same sex attraction is a normal function of humanity. There have been homosexuals throughout history, going back thousands of years. Nothing has changed in that regard, except how society accepts same sex folks. This is my personal viewpoint, not the official viewpoint."

"Not sure what you're trying to say Matt."

"Simply Colin, there's nothing wrong with your son, nothing at all. It's just that our society is wrong in decrying homosexuals. ( _Sigh_ ) I know that doesn't help matters, but I'm just trying to put all options for you out front. I wish I could help more, I really do."

"( _Sigh_ ) No, that's good of you Matt, actually what you just said makes sense and believe it or not, I find it comforting. It seems our focus should be how to handle an aberrant society rather than trying to change our son to conform to society ( _Matt nodded_ ). Look, we've taken enough of your time, give us a referral and we'll make a decision from there, but, thanks again, I feel much better now."

<><><><>

### 9.3

Not long after talking to Tomas's parents (Doctor) Matt had a visit from the police in the form of a Sergeant and a constable. The Sergeant was an older man and had an imposing countenance. The younger man was just that – younger. They gathered in a small waiting room usually used for visitors and introduced themselves.

"My name is Sergeant Jock Malloy, and this is Constable Julian Burrows. What can you tell us about the patient Tomas Davis?"

"Well he was savagely beaten Sergeant; his injuries are extensive. He's in an induced coma because we're not confident he hasn't suffered brain damage. He's only a young teenager Sergeant, and such attacks shouldn't happen. The person, or persons, who did this are vicious and dangerous. I hope you catch them and put them away before they can do any more harm. They are potential killers."

"I see, but will the boy be Ok? We have to assess the degree of the assault, so we can apply appropriate charges. Is it possible the lad initiated the violence?"

"It looks as though he'll be Ok when we bring him out of the coma. I can't, of course, stipulate as to his mental health. An attack such as this can leave damaging sub-conscious memories that could come back over time. I'm going to recommend to his parents they place him in the hands of a specialist in mental health. As to your last question, no, the only marks on the boy were from his attackers. There's no evidence he might have started the fight, none whatsoever. Why do you ask?"

"Simply we want to know if he provoked the attack. Witnesses only arrived on the scene when the attackers had scarpered. They never saw who started the fight, nor can they identify the assailants. We don't have much to go on."

"I'm told he goes to Manly Boys High; why don't you ask the staff if any one in particular was harassing the lad. They should know; well, they absolutely should know."

"I believe you've talked to his parents. Were they forthcoming about any trouble Master Davis had at school?"

"Yes Constable, they did mention he'd been bullied at school and had been for some time. They advanced a theory, but I must respect their need for confidentiality. Go talk with them, and they may tell you themselves about the boy's problems."

"That sounds ominous Doctor, are you sure you can't elaborate? This is presumably a criminal action, and we're entitled to get to the truth. I ask you again, what did the parents specify as the main issue?"

"And again, I have to say, sorry. Only the boy's parents can answer to any more detail. There you have it; I'm sorry I can't be any more helpful. Now I must go tend to my patients."

"Oh, when do you think we can talk to the lad?"

"Look, come back in two days' time. By then he'll be conscious, and hopefully answer all your questions. Is there anything else I can do to help with your enquiries? ( _They both shook their heads)_ Ok then, I'll be off."

<><><><>

### 9.4

At first there was unfamiliar sounds, then an unfamiliar smell, and then, very slowly, light. He opened his eyes and stared as a picture hanging on an opposite wall emerged. It meant nothing to him, unfamiliar, and gave no clue as to where he was. A murmur of voices reached him; a confusing jumble of sounds that made no sense. He just lay dormant on what was obviously, a bed. Then he sensed movement close by and, looking in that direction, his mother's face came into focus.

"Tomas, Tomas, can you hear me? Wake up Tomas, wakeup; you're alright, you're in hospital."

He struggled to make sense.

_Hospital? Hospital? Why am I in hospital? And why is my mother telling me I'm in hospital. I don't remember . . . Oh, Oh, yes . . . yes, I was in a fight . . . Oh shit the pain, Oh god the pain . . . boots! Someone kicking me, oh shit that hurt . . . two boys . . . two boys kicking me . . . who? Who? . . . Bert Cree, yeah, Bert Cree and . . . and . . . Biffo Cradox . . . Bert Cree and Biffo Cradox . . . kicking me . . . kicking me . . ._ And then, nothing.

Slowly Tomas regained conscious. Slowly he remembered the attack by Cree and Cradox . . . and then remembered the pain; pain like he'd never felt before. He looked at his mother.

"Mum? Mum, I don't remember coming into hospital. I vaguely remember being attacked this afternoon on my way to Nanna's. Have you told her I can't come, she'll be worried."

"( _Chiding softly)_ Tomas, you were attacked last Monday and have been in a coma ever since. Today's Thursday, and you've just awakened from an induced sleep. The doctors thought you might have brain damage, but it seems you'll be alright now. Dad will be hear soon after he finishes work. How do you feel son?"

"Sore. Why mum, why? Why did they attack me, is it because I'm . . . you know . . . is that why they attacked me? I've never harmed anyone . . . why do I deserve this?"

And then Tommo began to cry. He turned his face towards his mother, held onto her hand and bawled his eyes out. Shirley became distraught, not knowing what to do. The doctor prescribed strong medication for his physical pain, but there was nothing she could do about his emotional anguish – except let him cry it out. And cry he did, he just let it all go. His poor mother had to sit and listen to her child venting his unhappiness and not being able to do anything about it.

Eventually, the crying diminished, and Tomas lay back exhausted. Just then a nurse came to the bedside.

"Well young man, you've finally decided to re-join the land of the living. How do you feel, Tomas?"

"Very sore ma'am, I'm having difficulty breathing, it's quite painful. When can I go home.?"

"Not yet petal, we need to re-scan your head just to make sure there's no damage. Also, we need to keep you immobile for your ribs to heal more. At your age, the healing should be quicker than say, at my age. Lucky you."

"Is he allowed visitors Sister? I know some of his friends want to visit."

"Oh yes, as long as they don't agitate him. He needs calm and gentle movements, to expedite the healing process"

After the Sister left, Shirley Davis took her son's hand and stroked it.

"The police have been involved Tomas, they'll want to ask if you can identify your attackers. Did you recognize anyone?"

"( _Angrily_ ) Oh yes, it was Bert Cree and that mongrel Biffo Cradox. The image of their faces I'll never forget. I don't know if I should name them mum, it's just my word against theirs. What about other spectators, did anyone recognise either one of them?"

"( _Sighing_ ) No as soon as people started to appear they bolted. You were lucky though, they called an ambulance and then the police. You shouldn't worry, tell the police all you know, and let them do their job. Just be honest Tomas, you've got nothing to lose."

"Yeah, but then there's school. If the cops nab those creeps, I'll be targeted again for grassing them. I can't handle anymore unpleasantness mum, I've had enough."

" _(Choking back tears)_ Oh I understand Tomas, you've been through too much hated for a person so young. But you can't let them get away with this. They have to be brought to account."

"I suppose so ( _long pause)_ mum, I'm feeling sleepy, can I nod-off for a while and we'll talk later?"

As he drifted off to sleep, Shirley went outside to wait for Colin Davis to arrive. From time to time she looked in on Tomas, but he was sleeping soundly. When her husband arrived, they went looking for the doctor, Matt.

After a short nap Tomas woke up; hunger pains told him he needed food and he asked the nurse. Whilst waiting, he began to think about what happened.

I can't take any more, there must be something I can do, there must be someone to talk to, and there must be someone who understands my problems. I can't talk to Ryan because he's got the same troubles. I'll never forget the look on Biffo's and Cree's face as they attacked me. Why? Why? WHY? If I hadn't been caught with Alfred I wouldn't have any problems. But . . . it happened, so what! We were just two mates enjoying each other's bodies. SO WHAT! WHO CARES! We didn't do anything wrong except getting caught. It's just not fair, how can two boys enjoying their natural urges be wrong?? (Sigh) I'm labelled a fagott for the rest of me life, aren't I? My parents must live with a child who's been labelled something dirty. That's where it's all wrong. I've been blessed with wonderful parents and they've been saddled with a freak. There's no point in me saying I'm not a problem when all I've done is give my folks grief. I love them, and even though I'm an abomination they still love me. There must be some way I can make it better for them, ease the pain and make them proud of me.

He was devouring some sandwiches when Ryan came to visit. Although some of the bandages were removed, Tomas still looked battered.

" _(Ryan looked uncomfortable and jiggled from foot to foot_ ) Wow, mate looks like they gave you a thorough working over; how d'ya feel?"

"G'day Ryan, thanks for coming by, I know it's a bit outta your way; I was hoping to see you pal."

"What's the doctors say, will you be alright?"

"Oh yeah, seems at our age we bounce back physically in no time at all. Whilst me body will mend, I'm afraid me head's rat-shit. I keep reliving the nightmare Ryan, I can still see the look on Cree and Cradox's faces as they assaulted me. I won't ever forget it or them, ever."

"Don't blame you boyo, I don't know what's gonna happen, but I hope those two get what they deserve. Have the cops been by? I hope yer gunna finger them, so's their put away fer a long time."

' _(Short hesitation_ ) I don't know mate, it'd just be my voice against theirs and there's two of them. And as soon as the cops find I'm a homo, I'm sure they'll lose interest quick. Might even give the cunts a medal. It's sorta hopeless Ryan. I've been thinking, and I reckon it's just hopeless."

Then the atmosphere changed. Tommo sat up and gripped Ryan's arm savagely. His eyes radiated an intensity that was frightening. Ryan had never seen Tommo like this. And then these bitter words.

"( _Intensely, starring at Ryan_ ) Ryan I want you to promise me you'll never, and I repeat never, tell anyone you're a homo. I'm serious Ryan, don't ever let anyone find out you're a homo. Look what's happened to me, my life is over, I'll be castigated wherever I go. Promise me, as one blood brother to another, you'll never admit being a fagott . . . promise me, please mate, promise me."

It was a tense scenario; the boy in the bed was clutching the other boy frantically and clearly pleading. Ryan was taken aback with Tommo's intensity, and it frightened him. Frightened him, not only with the fierceness of Tommo's clasp but with the words spoken. For several long seconds they stared at each other. Then,

'I . . . I . . . don't know if I can do that mate. At some time, I've gotta tell someone or I'll go bust. I've already told a kid at school – well, we told each other – so I can't undo that. But if it makes you happy, I promise not to tell anyone else. Is that good enough?"

"No, it's not good enough! Remember me and how fucked up my life has become. I don't want that to happen to you . . . I love you too much Ryan to see yourself in the same shit that I'm in. I don't think I'll ever recover from the attack. I just can't allow it to happen again, and certainly not to you."

"Ah you'll be Ok. As they say, time heals all woes including emotional stuff. Stay with it boyo, I here right by yer side."

Tommo seemed to relax, and all the intensity drained out of him. He lay back down, seemingly exhausted, but still holding Ryan's arm.

" _(Deep sigh_ ) I know brother, and I'm truly grateful. You're the best mate a bloke can have."

Ryan left shortly after but went away very concerned about the whole episode. He didn't know how to process what had just happened.

The next day the same two coppers visited Tomas. After introductions, Sergeant Jock Malloy opened the questioning.

"You've been through a tough time laddie, I hope you're feeling better now. _(Tommo nodded_ ). We just want to get your version of the ass . . ."

"Excuse me Sergeant, we met yesterday, and as I'm Tomas's doctor I'd like to sit in on your interview. As you know, normally a parent is required to be present when a minor is interviewed. In the absence of the boy's parents I'd like to be present. Is that Ok?"

"Yes, of course Doctor, we don't want to do anything that may prejudice the investigation. ( _Turning back to Tomas)_ Can you identify your attackers, please?"

"Y . . . y . . . yes, I can but _(long pause_ ) but I'm scared."

"What are you scared of?"

"If I say their names, I'm probably gonna be attacked again as payback. I mean look what they did to me without cause, imagine what they'd do if I gave them reason to attack me."

"The lad has a valid point Sergeant; can you give him protection if he supplies you with names?"

( _Addressing both the doctor and Tomas)_ no we can't, but if your info leads to a conviction, it won't matter, you'll be safe. That's the best I can offer. Now speak up lad."

"It's ( _Turning to Matt)_ ok doctor, I really don't mind. I need to tell someone so that the two assailants don't do this to anyone else. _(Deep breath) (Looking the Sergeant in the eye)_ It was Bert Cree and Martin Cradox who assaulted me. They've been hounding me for some time verbally, so bashing me was just then next step."

"You say they've been harassing you for some time. What was this about? Did you do anything to force them into being violent?"

_(Interrupting)_ You don't have to answer that Tomas, at least not before you've talked to your parents."

"Thank you Doctor, but I'm past caring anymore. ( _Turning to the Sergeant)_ You see sir, I'm a homosexual and they wanted me out of their school."

This admission was followed by an awkward silence. A look of distaste featured on both officer's faces. With Constable Julian Burrows this look turned into a sneer.

"I'd be careful son, being a homosexual is illegal, and if you made advances toward the boys named, they probably would be within their rights to beat you up. Did you ever . . ."

'Excuse me Sergeant, but you're wrong. It's only illegal if a homosexual act is performed. Just simply being a homosexual is not a crime. ( _Turning to Tomas)_ Did you ever make inappropriate approaches to the two boys who beat you up?"

"No, I never did, nor would I. I'll swear that on a stack of bibles. If they say I did, then there're lying, Sergeant."

"I know you're looking after the lad's interest Doctor, but please allow me to conduct this interview and ask whatever questions I deem appropriate."

"Have you ever indulged in homosexual activity Tomas? You must be . . ."

'TOMAS! you don't have to answer that, in fact I'm advising you to say nothing. There's no knowing what the police might do with any admission you make. I'm not happy with the way this interview is heading. All I've heard from you Sergeant is attempts to make Tomas the villain here, where, in fact, he's the victim. I detect a prejudicial attitude towards my patient. Please . . ."

"HE MAKES ME SICK! Him and his kind are scum and, as the bible says, should be put to death. I congratulate the boys . . ."

"CONSTABLE SHUT IT! BELT UP! That's inflammatory, and you could be disciplined. Let me handle the interview . . ."

"Why should I Sarge, THE LAWS ON MY SIDE! Just recently our Police Commissioner said that, if I can remember his exact words, 'homosexuality is the greatest threat facing Australia and our way of life'. Why would we set about charging two normal lads for doing the law's work for us? It's plain he deserves all that he got . . . and more!"

" _(The Sergeant groaned_ ) Oh my god. Shut it Julian.!"

Matt was aghast. His temper was barely under control, but before he could respond, Tomas started to whimper which then became a pitiful wail. It was a dead sound that caused the hairs on Matt's neck to rise. He'd had enough.

"Stop, stop this interview at once. In the interests of my patients health I want you out of here and take this disgraceful piece of humanity with you. GO . . . NOW! And by the way, there will be no further interviewing my patient unless he has appropriate legal representation with him. Oh, and by the way, I'm reporting your disgusting behaviour to the hospital administration."

By then Tomas's crying had given way to deep sobs. He was so distraught, they had to give him a sedative to ease his pain.

## Chapter Ten

### 10.1

Tomas was discharged several days later when all the tests showed a positive recovery. It was about mid-day when he arrived home and went straight to bed. His mother fussed around trying to make him comfortable.

"Now you just rest and sleep as much as you can. Here's the pain tablets the doctor proscribed for you; take two tablets when you need for the pain. Now I'll get you a light lunch of sandwiches, which will see you through until dinner time. Just yell if you need anything baby, I'll be right outside."

When Shirley brought the tray of sandwiches, Tomas thanked her in a tired voice,

"I'm not very hungry mum, just leave the sandwiches on my table and I'll eat them when my appetite returns. For now, I just want to sleep."

Colin Davis came home about six in the evening, and when tea was ready he popped into Tomas's room.

"Tomas, Tomas wake up, dinner's ready. C'mon son, you've got to eat, wake up now."

Awakened from his sleep, Tomas looked around unsure of his surroundings. Eventually,

'( _Yawning_ ) Hi dad, ummm, what time is it?"

"Going on for a quarter to seven, and your mum's got tea ready. C'mon get up and eat with us."

'Dad, I'm really not hungry; mum gave me some sandwiches early-on and that's all I need right now. Tomorrow I'll feel better and I'll eat then. Sorry, all I want to do now is sleep. Please understand."

"( _Sigh_ ) Ok, but I want to see you on your feet as soon as you can. You can't stay in bed all the time. I suspect bed's a safe place for you, eh? No hostiles to hurt you. I suppose I can understand, but sooner rather than later, you've got to face the world again. Just remember son, we'll always be with you no matter what."

'Are you telling me you're happy having a piece of filth for a son?"

'Don't say that! Don't ever say that! Whatever difficulties you have, we'll go through them with you. I'm not gonna fight your battles, but I'm sure as hell gonna weigh in if anybody harms you again. Bank on it!"

"You and mum are the best parents a bloke can have. I wish I was normal and not cause you any hurt. You deserve a better son. I love you Dad, you and mum, I love you both very much."

'And we love you too son, we'll do anything to get you through this nasty period. Doctor Matt gave me the name of another medic who can help you in . . . in, ummm . . . your condition. As soon as you're on your feet we'll go see him. So, take heart Tomas, it's gonna get better for all of us. Now rest, and goodnight son."

Dinner ready, Colin and Shirley sat down to eat. It was lonely eating without Tomas, but if he wished to sleep that was OK; after all the boy had just had a very nasty experience and needed all then rest his body demanded.

"What are we going to do Colin, every time I think of those boys attacking Tom I get so angry. What I can't understand is how the Cree's can have one son whose a bastard and the other an angel. What's your read?"

( _Putting his knife and folk down_ ) That I don't understand, it beats me; maybe they have different fathers, who knows. I've been thinking what to do, but the thing is we'll have to wait and see what the cops do. Matt told me their interview with Tomas turned into an inquisition. They were trying to make Tom a villain instead of the victim; apparently the young constable was very objectionable, so Matt ordered them out. I wish I'd been there to see it. He's a good cove is Doctor Matt."

"( _Hopefully_ ) He is, and I'd like to take up his suggestion about Tomas going to see the psychiatrist. It couldn't hurt, but any recommendation to give my baby this aversion treatment I won't abide. It's just too awful."

"Yes, I agree. I was really taken with Matt's comment about society being the problem, not Tom. ( _Thoughtful_ ) Why should we abuse our son with these mediaeval tortures when his only problem is he's attracted to his own sex. That comment resonated with me very much. Anyway, I'll check in on him later, so for the time being, let him, and us, rest."

<><><><>

### 10.2

"Alright, let's go into the Interview room where we can have a talk. I'm glad _(Nodding to Fred Cree and Harry Cradox)_ that you're both here as we talk to your sons about the attack on Tomas Davis."

Sergeant Malloy settled the two boys in chairs opposite him at the interview table. He was joined by Constable Burrows, whilst the two fathers sat in chairs behind their respective sons. After Tomas had named Bert and Martin as his attackers, Jock Malloy wasted no time in bringing the boys in for a formal interview. The Manly police station was old, having been built at the turn of the twentieth century, so it wasn't a fun place to be. The room had a small ledge running around about chest high; the walls were painted green below and white above. The only window didn't allow much light and couldn't diffuse the room's drabness. It was excellent for interviewing hardened criminals and overwhelming for two young teenagers. At a nod from Jock, the constable turned on the interview tape machine.

"We ( _naming himself and the constable)_ are interviewing ( _boy's names)_ regarding the attack on a student of Manly Boy's High, Tomas Davis. Also present are the boy's fathers ( _naming the fathers)_. Can I start with you Bert. As I've told you, Tomas Davis named you as one of the persons whom attacked him in ( _naming the street)_ on Monday ( _establishing the date)_ at _(establishing the time of day)_ How do you respond to this accusation?"

'He's a fuck'n liar! I was nowhere near the creep. I was with me mate Biffo . . .. err Martin. We was at his place doin' our homework. He's a bloody poofter and I won't have anything to do with the piece of filth. He probably put the hard word on some decent cove and got bashed instead."

_(From Fred Cree)_ Sergeant me son's a good boy, goes to church, has a girlfriend, and respects his parents. I know he wouldn't do what that disgusting mongrel suggested, take my word for it."

"It's not a suggestion Mr Cree, it's a formal charge, and we have to take action."

"Well why don't you go and charge that deviant, as far as I know being a queer is still a crime, ain't it? Why are you wasting time hassling these two good young lads.?"

"Woowa, I'm here to interview the two lads sir, not have a discourse with you or Mr Cradox. You are to stay quiet and let me do my job. Understand? ( _Cree reluctantly nodded)_ Good."

Now Martin, how do you respond to the charge Mr Davis has made against you, that you assaulted him at ( _naming the street)_ on Monday ( _establishing the date)_ at _(establishing the time of day)_ What's your answer?"

"It's bullshit! Plain bullshit. I ain't never touched the creep, just a look at 'im makes me wanna puke. No sir, I done nuthin t'him."

" _(The Sarge addressed Bert)_ Can you tell me why Mr Davis would make up such a story? I mean he accused you both out of all the other kids at school. Why would he do that?"

"I dunno, why don't ya ask him. Maybe he's got the hots fer me and knows I'd bash him if'n he touched me. That's all I can say. I didn't touch him."

"And I agree with Bert, I haven't touched him. The time you mentioned, me and Bert were doin our homework. Did anyone else reckon they'se seen us or is it just the poofter whose makin' up these lies?"

"Martin, you don't ask questions. I ask the questions and you answer them. Understand? Now Martin when did you and Bert leave school on that day, with all the kids or later?"

"Definitely later. Me and Bert stayed late and then went to his place to do our homework."

"When was the last time you saw Tomas Davis, Martin?"

"Huh? What that got t'do with anything. Why ya asking me that.?

"Just curious. Please answer the question. When was the last time you saw Tomas Davis?"

"I suppose at lunch. He were sitting out under a tree. The queer wouldn't mix with us normal folks."

"And what was he wearing?"

"Umm, his school uniform I guess, and yeah, his raincoat; he was wearing his raincoat."

"I see . . . umm . . . you definitely saw him in his raincoat, yes?"

"Yes, he was wearing his raincoat because it were raining."

"That's strange Martin. I don't remember it raining till well after lunch around 3 pm We'll checked with the weather people to confirm this as I'm sure they will. This means you couldn't have seen Mr Davis in the school yard wearing a raincoat. I'm curious, if you and Bert Cree were the last to leave, as you testified, how do know Mr Davis was wearing a raincoat?

"Well I just guessed he were wearing a raincoat. Why are you asking me stupid questions?"

"Martin, I ask the questions. I find it strange that you would stipulate he was wearing a raincoat when you didn't see Mr Davis leave school. Your testimony."

"What's stip . . . stip . . . late mean?"

"Stipulate? Sort of means confirm."

"Look Sergeant, I don't like the way you're badgering my son. He's only fifteen and is getting confused. I've a mind . . ."

"You've a mind to do what Mr Cradox? Don't interfere with my questioning or I'll have to ask you to wait outside."

"Martin, I believe the only way you knew Mr Davis was wearing a raincoat was when you assaulted him. Isn't that right?"

"NO! . . . No, I didn't"

"No way Sergeant, me and Martin never assaulted the fagott."

"How dare you threaten my son, Sergeant, I've a mind to report you to . . . to . . . well, your superior."

'That's your prerogative Mr Cree. I'll give you my superior's name if you like. But before you rush out and embarrass yourself, might I remind you this interview is being taped. Now I'm going to finish the interview now, but after we've investigated further, I'll probably need to talk to you boys again. I'm not happy with your response to my questions. Of course, at any time you can alter your statements, if you so wish."

###  <><><><>

### 10.3

Tomas Davis passed away in the wee small hours of the day after his release from hospital.

He had planned his passing by using the pain killer tablets the hospital supplied. His father looked in on him when he went to bed about ten thirty and Tomas looked to be fast asleep. His death was a combination of overdosed tablets and just a simple lack of will to live. His final note said,

I've brought too much pain to the people I love most.

My life is over. I have no future

I have to do this. Please don't hate me

I love you both,

Tomas

Colin Davis discovered him next morning when he went to wake his son up. By that time, Tommo was quite cold and quite dead.

Standing at the stove, Shirley Davis heard a guttural unnatural sound, a sound that sent a wave of terror through her. It was a sound that alerted her mother's instinctive fear that something was terribly wrong. In panic she rushed into her son's bedroom and stopped, taking in the tragic tableau confronting her. Colin, was standing bent over, making animal noises and looking at the cold, inert body of his son. She took one look, emitted a scream, and collapsed on the floor.

For a moment the only sound was Colin's primitive noise. Tomas lay dead on his bed and his mother lay collapsed unconscious on the floor.

Recovering slightly, Colin quietly made his way to their phone in the hallway. First he called an ambulance and then the police. The eerie silence in the house was suddenly transformed by the noise of the ambulance arrival and then the cops, headed by Sergeant Malloy.

As required by law, Tomas was officially declared dead by the paramedics, who then turned their attention to Shirley Davis. As well as being unconscious, she had the signs of going into shock and thus required hospitalization. All through this, Colin Davis just sat with vacant, unfocused eyes, emitting pitiful unrecognizable sounds. He started to revive when a young female policewoman – herself in tears – handed him a cup of tea. When he was able to talk properly, he responded to police questions, summarizing events, from his arrival home the previous night, until the present.

Speedily, as required by law, the police informed the Coroner, and then the Suicide Crisis team. This latter were responsible for contacting, then counselling the immediate family, the extended family, close friends and then Tomas's school. His farewell note was picked up for eventual forwarding to the coroner.

At Ryan's house, Merle took the call from the Crisis team and after a cursory 'thank you' put the receiver down and made the sign of the cross. She then called Ryan's school and spoke to her grandson. Up till the time of her death she would always remember the anguished response from Ryan. Some matters are burned indelibly into a person's conscience.

The news rocketed through the community. Why? How could a boy so young sacrifice his life for . . . what? The rumour-mill, operating in over-drive, put forward many plausible reasons, but no one knew the truth. People waited feverishly for the Coroner's Inquest to begin and thus divulge what happened.

When the news reached Tomas's school, Allan Wilcox replaced the receiver with a feeling of dread. A rational man, he knew the bullying of Tomas Davis would become a factor in any inquisition into the lad's death. Also a factor, was his inaction to stop the harassment. Also, what role did his secretary play in releasing the details of the boy's expulsion from the Christian College. He felt sick.

When told of the boys suicide, Vera Primson became distraught. Convinced she was the source of the original rumour, she became weighed down with guilt. On the other hand, Gladys the nurse simply said, 'good riddance' and admonished Vera for being such a ninny. The students became distressed, each one remembered how cruel they were to Tommo and convinced themselves they were responsible for his demise. An emotional earthquake rocked the school.

Ryan was inconsolable. He left school about 12pm, facing a lonely trip home. It was hard to believe, Tommo – dead. It wasn't possible, people didn't die until they were old like his grandmother. No one died at fourteen years. All the way home in the ferry and then bus, memories of his time with Tommo flashed in and out of his conscience. He hadn't cried yet – that was to come. On reaching home his mother, probably for the first time in her life, thought of someone besides herself. Walking in the front door he ran straight to his Nanna and burst into tears. They were joined by Clare Seaton who was, strangely, very emotional; after all it could've been her son.

It wasn't until late afternoon that Ryan, Geoff, and Bluey caught up. The three boys sat on Ryan's back steps and considered what happened.

"God I feel rotten fellas, I keep thinking what I could've done to help him. I'll let you into a secret, some months ago we became blood brothers. That's why I feel so bad. I did nothing to help me brother and that's why I'm feelin' guilty."

"Hey Ryan can it! You feel guilty, what about me? It was my brother who attacked him and landed him in hospital. I should've done something . . . anything, to tell the cops what I know. I don't care if'n he's me brother, what he and that imbecile Biffo Maddox did was criminal and surely convinced Tommo that life weren't worth living. No, I gotta big load of shit guilt on me shoulders."

"C'mon mates, feelin' guilty ain't healthy. If Tommo was here he'd tell you'se to can it. It were the school that killed him. Once the word got out, and we don't know how, Tommo's life became hell. The atmosphere at school is bad ( _Geoff nodded),_ everyone is remembering the insults, the shunning, the shoving, and the whispering that they done to him. The sheilas were the worst of all and I hope they've learned a big lesson. I'm gonna rub it in any chance I get! The cunts!"

Long silence. Each boy had his own thoughts and memories of Tommo. It was Ryan who started to weep, followed soon by Geoff and Bluey. Their loss was raw and would get worse in the following days.

<><><><>

### 10.4

The legal process became alive when the Police, in the form of Sergeant Jock Malloy, requested a Coronial Inquest. There were just too many loose ends about Tomas Davis's case, and he suspected the presence of contributary negligence. He also wasn't satisfied with Cradox and Cree, being suspicious of their involvement in the attack on Davis. If Cradox could be put on the stand he's sure the boy would crack. Colin Davis had also been thinking along the same lines. There was no doubt, Tomas's life had been miserable because the school had turned against him. In his layman's mind, Manly Boys High had a duty of care and they had failed miserably. Nothing would bring Tomas back, but hopefully the lessons learnt would help other kids in trouble.

At first it was necessary for the coroner to investigate whether an Inquest should be held. The written advices from Jock Molloy and Colin Davis were sufficiently convincing so a date and place was established.

With an Inquest pending, no funeral arrangements could be made so it was necessary to hold a hearing as quickly as possible. The appropriate public notices were posted and subpoena's to appear as witnesses sent out to persons of interest.

It was three days after Tom's demise when Vera, Gladys, and the Headmaster were individually served subpoenas. Vera was appalled, never before had she been asked to appear at an inquest, and the prospect alarmed her. Allan Willcox had the same reaction. As Headmaster he was ultimately responsible for the students welfare. Looking back, he knew he was in trouble; all he could do was assist the Inquest by telling the truth even if he damned himself. Martin Cradox and Bert Cree were served their subpoena's during school hours and from that point on became ostracized by the other kids. They weren't popular, they bullied, and many kids wanted to see them toppled.

In the meantime, Shirley Davis was discharged from hospital, but she looked pitiful. Her eyes projected indescribable sadness and her actions almost robotic. His wife's descent into darkness motivated Colin to call, no demand, a Coronial Inquiry. It wasn't just Tomas who died that night, it sounded the death-knell of a family. Someone had to pay for this. It was important that the truth be known.

A lawyer was appointed as Counsel for the Coroner, a position not unlike a prosecutor in a normal trial. His role was to assist the Coroner in the process. On the appointed time, at the appointed place, the hearing began. As a preliminary, the coroner had read evidence from the doctor who declared Tomas dead, the Police, and then the boy's father. He also was given a statement by Matt, the doctor, detailing all of Tomas's injuries following the attack, so by the time the hearing began he was fully acquainted with the case.

The Coroner began by re-visiting Tomas's death in the form of medical records, police statements and interested parties, such as the boy's father.

As first witness, Colin Davis outlined his son's descent into darkness. He admitted the episode with the boy at the Christian College, but stressed he paid the penalty by being expelled from the school. He also outlined the legal steps taken to have the matter sealed because of the lad's age. How the file's content became public knowledge was a matter for the court to determine. He completed his testimony with this,

"My son was made a criminal simply because he was different. Yes, he was a homosexual and at present time being such is regarded as a crime. How could it be, I repeat how could it be, that a young lad of fourteen years be sledge-hammered by society because of something he had no control over. He was borne a homosexual . . . there was no choice involved. I mean, ask yourselves, why would any person choose a life of enduring pain? ( _Turning to face the Coroner)_ Would you sir, would you choose a life of misery over a life of happiness? I challenge anyone in this room that they would willingly make such a choice. The medical profession does not know how a person is borne a homosexual, and I suspect it will be some time before the origin is identified. Finally, I want to read out the note my son left; it is clear he decided to end his life because of the harsh bullying he received at school."

As Colin Davis read aloud Tommo's last words there was nary a dry eye left in the courtroom. Colin continued,

"I'll just finish by saying some of us are borne attracted to the other sex, and others are borne with an attraction to their same sex. It's just nature and just that simple. Thank you."

Complete silence followed Colin's impassioned statement. The Coroner paused proceedings to make lengthy notes. The next witness was Doctor Matt Hardon, who gave the court a summary of Tomas's injuries. He described the attack as brutal.

"In my experience as an Emergency room doctor, I see many injuries, some of which are gruesome and are usually the result of some kind of accident. Not so in Tomas's case, the attack was brutal, carrying a level of savagery that is disturbing. In my opinion it was personal and frenzied. Whoever carried out the attack has serious problems; he or she has a violent personality and should be regarded as a threat to society. I don't want ever to see a young person admitted to hospital beaten up as was Tomas."

The Coroner thanked the doctor and released him. The Inquest entered the examination phase and the next witness was called - Margaret Carney, Secretary to the Headmaster of The Christian College. After her credentials were established, the Coroners Assistant, Warren Cox, addressed Miss Carney.

"You're familiar with what happened when the file on Tomas Davis was sealed?"

'Yes, I . . . I umm, was."

'So how do you explain the contents becoming public knowledge? As have been established the seal was unbroken so knowledge the contents had to be verbal. Is that correct?"

"I . . . err, I . . . suppose so."

'You suppose so, you suppose so. Really Miss Carney, I put it to you that's a very evasive answer."

Silence.

"Alright, I want you to consider my next question very carefully. Be advised you're under oath and the penalty for lying under oath is jail. ( _Pause_ ) Did you at any time discuss the contents of Tomas Davis's file with anyone after the file was sealed? Be careful now."

There followed a prolonged silence, almost an admission of guilt in itself.

"( _From the Coroner)_ Miss Carney, you must answer the question otherwise you'll be in contempt of court. Please answer."

"Yes."

"Louder please, we can't hear you."

"Yes! . . . yes, I did. Oh god I'm so sorry. The Manly Boys High school contacted me and convinced me that it was in the school's best interest to find out why the boy had been expelled. I . . . ( _choke_ ) I . . . thought they should, so . . . I . . . told the secretary of the Boys High what he was expelled for. My Christian learning told me these people were sinners and would go to hell. I knew our laws considered these people as criminals, so I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I'm . . . ( _sob_ ) . . . so sorry."

"Did you stipulate any conditions on sharing the information?"

"( _Angry_ ) Of course I did! I'm not a complete idiot! I stressed the information go no further than between us. I was assured of this."

"So, in a sense you were betrayed, is this so?"

"Yes, yes, yes. When I learnt what happened I became sick. I've been at the Christian school for twenty-four years and this is the first time I've done something knowingly wrong. I relied on the integrity of my opposite number. Yes, I was betrayed. I'm so angry."

_(The Coroner)_ Alright Miss Carney, you may step down. We may need to recall you so please keep yourself available."

"I believe it would be appropriate to call Miss Vera Primson to the witness stand. Vera walked hunched up and unsteadily into the court and was barely able to repeat the oath. After she haltingly said, 'I do' Warren Cox, the Council Assisting, wasted no time in questioning Vera. After she established her personal data and professional status, he asked,

"It has been established that Margaret Carney, of the Christian school, responding to your personal request, advised you the contents of a sealed file in respect of a student Tomas Davis. That is correct is it not?"

'( _Sounding hollow)_ yes, but at the time my Headmaster asked me to find out why this student had been expelled from his former school because it could be detrimental to the running of our school and I thought this was a good idea as not to know would mean a danger to the other students and then I thought about a criminal and Satan's plaything running around our school corrupting. . ."

"Excuse me miss Primson, but you're rambling and all I ask is a straight yes, or no. Now is the stipulation by Miss Carney correct?"

'Yes, but you see . . ."

"Nothing more please; your answer is 'Yes' is that correct?"

( _The Coroner_ ) In future Miss Primson, please restrict your answers to a simple 'yes' or 'no' please. ( _she nodded)._

"Now Miss Primson, I want you to be careful how you answer my next question. I remind you you're under oath. Did you at any time and in any manner pass on what you'd learned from your counterpart at the Christian College to someone else?"

"Yes."

"Sorry, I didn't hear that. You must speak up, so the court can hear you. Once again what is your response?"

"Yes, yes. I mentioned to our nurse Gladys Chalmers what I'd been told but you see the headmaster told me he would speak to Gladys and also the Pastor, Cedric Bottomly so I assumed there wouldn't be any trouble in . . ."

_(The Coroner)_ Miss Primson, you're rambling again, do I have to remind you to keep your answers brief."

"But I can't your majesty, I'm so nervous and so worried that I might've caused that young boys early death. I'm a good girl sire, and would not do anything wrong I go to church and can recite the whole bible I've always been good to my parents and cried helplessly when my mother passed away now I'm worried that the boy died in a state of ungraced and will not go into the arms of our lord Jesus Christ and will forever be consumed by the fires of hell won't you . . ."

( _BANG_!) enough! You are rambling again madam and disrupting this court. Mr Cox can you excuse this witness for further examination. I want her to take time to get herself under control."

Suddenly Vera Primson began to cry, sobbing loudly into a handkerchief.

"Yes, your Honour, I'll discharge her until I need further information."

( _The coroner_ ) Miss Primson, you may step down but be available to be called again at moment's notice."

After a short adjournment Cox called Gladys Chalmers to the stand, and she looked formidable. One of her noticeable features were her eyes, large round eyes, which dominated her face. With these domineering eyes she stared hostilely at the counsel Cox almost daring him to best her. He went through the usual establishment questions before focussing on the main issue.

"Now Miss Chalmers let us move to the phone conversation you had with Miss Vera Primson on ( _naming date_ ) . . ."

"What of it?"

( _Ignoring_ ) The conversation centred around the reason Tomas Davis was expelled from the Christian school. Is this correct?"

"Yes."

"I note you have a somewhat louder voice than most. Is this a normal voice for you?"

"Yes."

"We also note that a student Martin Cradox sat outside your surgery during the phone call and it's fair to assume he could've overheard your conversation with Miss Primson?"

"Yes."

"Did you try and establish if he had heard the conversation?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Just didn't."

"Why didn't you?"

"Just didn't."

"( _Exasperated_ ) Ok, we must assume the student heard the conversation in part or in full. Thank you Miss Chalmers you may step down now. Call Martin Cradox."

Now there was a rustling accompanied by a low murmur as the onlookers sensed an important testimony was about to begin. The Cradox boy was accompanied by his father, who sat on a chair facing his son in the witness stand. Martin had already met Warren Cox who had explained the court's procedures, his role, the boy's father's role, and Martin's responsibilities in giving evidence. This was established custom when dealing with juveniles, in the 1950's.

Martin Cradox looked ill. All the usual bravado was gone, replaced by a heart-rending timidness. Cox spent some time relaxing the boy and trying not to be adversarial. With all the background questions established, Cox became specific.

"Now Martin you took an oath to tell the truth didn't you? ( _Martin nodded)_ Yes, you must tell the truth because lying can bring sharp penalties. We talked about this didn't we _(Martin nodded_ ) I'm sure your father has explained this to you ( _again Cradox nodded_ ). Ok, did you hear the conversation between Miss Gladys and Miss Vera whilst you were waiting for the nurse to attend to your hand?"

"Well I heard bugeyes ( _general laughter)_ err, I mean, the nurse, talk to someone about Davis being a fagott and all. I didn't know who she was talkin' to. She's got a voice like a foghorn so I wus able to get the gist of what she done said."

"And what did you do after you left the nurses surgery?"

"I told Bert, umm, Bert Cree and then he told Sally Perkins who promised to keep a secret. Ha, Ha . . . that little bitch's got verbal runs, and before the day ended the whole school knew about Davis bein' a poofter. I done nuthin wrong did I?"

"No Martin, you didn't do anything wrong, we just wanted to know how the word got out about Tomas Davis so quickly. Thank you for your honesty Martin, you've done well. _(Martin went to stand up, but Cox stopped him)_ Just one more thing lad and you can go with your father back home. Where were you on ( _naming date_ ) the day that Tomas Davis was savagely attacked?"

A change in demeanour swept through Martin, he became fidgety and looked miserable. He kept glancing at his father.

"What's your answer Martin?"

"Umm, I was at home doin' me homework."

"I see, but in a statement to the police you said you were at Bertram Cree's place doing your homework. Which is it?"

"Sorry but I got mixed up, it's what I told the cops, we wus at Bert's place, fer sure."

"Good, and according to your statement to the police you and Master Cree were probably the last to leave school on that day. That is still your account is it not?"

"Yeah, we'se were helping clean up our room. That's what I said, yes sir."

"I see, and you mentioned the last time you saw Tomas Davis he was wearing his raincoat. Is that correct?"

"Yes, he were."

"For the benefit of the court, we stipulate that Tomas Davis was wearing his raincoat during and after being savagely attacked. _(Looking at Martin_ ) How is it Martin that you knew Davis was wearing a raincoat when he left school well before you. I put it to you that you only saw Master Davis wearing his raincoat when you and Bert Cree attacked him?"

Martin knew he was trapped, the same as when the cops interviewed him. Now, being confronted with the same scenario, he had sworn an oath to tell the truth, and he became petrified.

"I . . . err . . . I dunno sir, maybe . . ."

"( _The Coroner)_ it is my duty to advise you Master Cradox that you shouldn't answer that question if it may incriminate you in a chargeable offense."

"I don't know what's incrim . . . what you said, what's ya mean?"

"Well I'll try and make it plain. You can answer the question three ways – 'yes', 'no', or 'refuse to answer because your answer may cause you trouble with the police'. If you answer 'yes' then the matter will go to the police to assess if they should lay charges against you, if you answer 'No' but subsequently we find you've lied to the court then that would be a big problem resulting in jail time. You must be honest Martin, you've sworn to tell the truth. Do you understand what I've said?"

"Yes . . . umm, . . . Dad?"

Father and son then went into a huddle whilst the courtroom waited. Eventually,

"I can't answer because if I do I'll be in the shit!"

There was a long silence as both the Coroner and Warren Cox stared at Martin, who by this time, was sweating profusely.

' _(The Coroner_ ) I'll mark the record that you have refused to answer, as in doing so, you may incriminate yourself. Any further questions Mister Cox?"

"No sir. Please call Allan Wilcox, Headmaster of Manly Boys High. "

This was to be the highlight of the enquiry, and the courtroom became tensely silent. After the preliminaries, Cox became aggressive.

"Mr Wilcox are you familiar with the law relating to Duty of Care in respect of school children.?"

( _Softly_ ) yes, . . . err, yes I am."

"Thank you. Are you also aware of the guidelines set down by the state Department of Education? I refer specifically to Bullying."

" _(Almost whispering)_ yes, yes I am."

"Please speak up Mr Wilcox so the court reporter can hear what you say."

"When were the details of Tomas Davis's expulsion brought to your attention?"

"Ahh . . . it is my policy to interview each new student before they commence school proper. I interviewed Mr Davis prior to his commencement as a new student. The transfer papers indicated the reason for expulsion was 'unacceptable behaviour'. This concerned me, so I determined to find out details as I didn't want any troublemaker influencing the other students."

"I see. You then asked your secretary Miss Vera Primson to find out more, she having contacts within the education system. Correct?"

"Yes."

"And subsequently you were advised that Tomas Davis was a homosexual, and had indulged in unacceptable behaviour?"

"Yes."

"Then unfortunately the status of Tomas Davis as homosexual became common knowledge throughout the school. Correct?"

"( _Sigh_ ) Yes, unfortunately that is correct. I don't know how that came to be. The lad was a good student and behaving meticulously in his time at school. That's where the tragedy begins, I . . ."

"Thank you. I have here written statements from teachers, the boy's father, and several students that Tomas Davis became a victim of severe bullying to the extent that he was in physical and emotional danger. Are you aware of these statements, Mr Wilcox?"

" ( _Sigh_ ) Yes, yes I am."

"The record also shows that several teachers contacted you because they were worried about the bullying the Davis boy was experiencing. Do you recall meeting with these teachers?"

"( _Sigh_ ) Yes, yes I do."

"And what action did you take following the teachers representations to you?"

Silence.

" _(The Coroner_ ) Please answer the question Mr Wilcox."

"I . . . err, . . . I err, . . . none. I didn't take any action."

"Why not?"

Silence – it was a very loud silence.

"( _The Coroner)_ once again Mr Wilcox I direct you to answer the question. If I have to keep reminding you, I'll hold you in contempt. Please answer the question."

Allan Wilcox seemed to deflate. He literally sagged; his face had a haunted look.

"( _Tersely_ ) Oh how clever it is to be so wise after the event. Has anyone forgotten that Homosexuality is a crime and as someone said recently 'homosexuality is the biggest problem facing our Community'. I didn't want a homosexual in my school and I honestly thought if the harassment was heavy enough the boy would leave and go elsewhere. That was how my mind reacted to the harassment. I believed I was acting in the interests of my students to remove this cancer from the student body. I did what I thought I had to do. Having said that, when news of his suicide reached me I threw up. I was appalled, saddened, and mortified. I never considered he would take such extreme action. Never. _(Long Pause)_ I'm so guilty, so, so very guilty. I put my abhorrence of homosexuality ahead of my duty of care. I can't undo what I did, I take responsibility for what I did, and am devastated that my actions resulted in the death of a young boy. I can't ask for forgiveness, because I can never forgive myself."

"So, you plead guilty to not honouring your Duty of Care as you are required to do by law, and your own Education department guidelines. Is this correct?"

"Yes, yes I am, but before you arrest me, I want you to consider this. What has happened is solely because society is wrong about Homosexuality and Homosexuals. For the last few days I've been doing research and have found not one single plausible reason why we treat homosexuals in such a degrading way. Looking at the facts, and they exist in plain sight, there is no reason why society should condemn homosexuals. They are just ordinary folk who just simply have an attraction to their own sex. It's as simple as that. Tomas Davis was a wonderful young man with his future ahead of him. He would have been a valuable member of our society until someone such as I, and the dictates of society condemned him. He wasn't wrong _(looking sternly around the room)_ we all are. To Mr and Mrs Davis, I'm so sorry, so very, very sorry."

The court was stilled as each person considered Allan Wilcox's words. The majority were against him, but the few that agreed with his statement boded well for the future.

<><><><>

### 10.5

Several days after the Inquest closed, the Coroner issued his report. He listed Tomas's death as 'Death by his own Hand' but with contributing circumstances. Then his report went on to name Allan Willcox, Margaret Carney, Vera Primson, as the persons primarily responsible for causing Tomas's details becoming public. No further action was required.

However, Martin Cradox and Bertram Cree were named as hastening Tomas's demise and should be investigated further. Allan Wilcox received the harshest criticism in that he failed in his duty of care and recommended his dismissal. He resigned instead, as well did Margaret Carney and Vera Primson.

Of the other boys, Ryan could never forget Tomas's plea at the hospital

" _Ryan, I want you to promise me you'll never, and I repeat never, tell anyone you're a homo. I'm serious Ryan, don't ever let anyone find out you're a homo. Look what's happened to me, my life is over, I'll be castigated wherever I go. Promise me, as one blood brother to another, you'll never admit being a fagott . . . promise me, please mate, promise me."_

It was the intense raw pain in that statement which Ryan would remember all his life. Along with many others he cried at Tommo's funeral which was attended by the whole school. Going back and trying to get back to normal was very hard but he had no choice. Back at Grammar, kids would try and comfort him because to them a kid their age who kills himself was traumatic even if they didn't know him. Even with all the kind overtures, Ryan walked around in a trance.

It was as if he was looking down into a deep bottomless well. He found it hard to focus on even the most trivial thigs. Whilst trying to be absorbed in what the lecturer was teaching, Tommo's final entreaty kept surfacing. It was the never, never that he remembered. One morning in class he could feel his emotions spinning out of control and he hurriedly excused himself saying he needed an urgent toilet visit. He was on the verge of nausea and bawling his heart out.

Racing down to the ablutions block he found an empty cubicle and, closing the door without locking, just let himself go. Crying and sobbing uncontrollably, he didn't hear the soft footsteps of someone else entering the toilets. That is until the door opened slowly, and Jim Tandara stood before him looking worried.

"Ryan, Ryan please look at me, I don't care if you're crying, in fact I've been waiting for you to crack. I know how close you were to your friend. His dying has been a shock to you as well as being such a complete loss. Who knows how we might've reacted in the same circumstances? ( _Pausing_ ) I take it this is the first time you've had a good cry then? ( _Ryan nodded_ ) Ok, then let it all out. When you told me what the mongrel's did to him I couldn't believe anyone could be so cruel. It's scary. But I'm here for you mate; come here and let me hug you so you can let yourself go. C'mon cry Ryan, cry and let it all out."

So Ryan stood up in that confined space and let Jim embrace him. This was the first time they'd been so close and to Ryan, it was wonderful. He melded into the other boy's body, chest against chest, pelvis against pelvis and legs intertwined. Ryan's sobs began to diminish as the magic of their embrace consumed him. Strong adolescent arms crushed each other, revelling in just holding each other's body closely for the first time.

Then Ryan realised something wonderful was happening. The aroma, the touch, the fierceness of their embrace triggered another primal passion.

Slowly, heads that lay on opposite shoulders, began to move tentatively around so that they ultimately faced each other. In a flash lips crushed against lips as desire replaced all other emotions. A surge of pleasure, of need, consumed them and as one kiss ended another began. They kissed passionately for about five minutes before pulling slightly apart and looking wondrously into each other's eyes. Jim was the first to recover a voice.

"Oh hell Ryan, I've wanted to do that for so long now. When we kissed I felt something I'd not enjoyed since I was a little kid – happiness. I can't let you go man, I've never felt like this with anyone before. I'm yours Ryan, completely yours."

"Oh god yes. I've been dreaming about doing this with you; longing, painful longing. I started to believe we could never do this, and now, I don't want to let go. In all the darkness of late you've given me a glimpse of . . ."

Jim stopped Ryan by crushing their lips together again passionately. By now their cocks had become rock hard and the friction became a form of masturbation. Simply surrendering to nature they ground against each other completely ignoring the oncoming orgasms until it was too late. The sweetness of their embrace had morphed into a consuming lust. Nipples became hard and juice began to leak from demanding cocks; all this was ignored in the joy of being together.

They continued to rub against each other, but having been sexually repressed for so long, very little effort was required to achieve orgasm . Their climax came suddenly and before they could supress it, they began to shudder violently. Totally surprised, their eyes locked and groans escaped as a massive orgasm consumed them. The huge discharge spilled over into their underwear. As their dual climax began to subside, they both became aware of their soiled underwear. Jim was the first to recover.

"( _Alarmed_ ) Oh gawd Ryan I've cum in my pants. I'm a mess."

Then Ryan became aware that he too had soiled himself and hurriedly stepped back.

"( _Laughing_ ) Oh shit me too. I think a bucket of cum just painted me undies. Quickly let's get our underwear off before the stain seeps through to our pants."

They couldn't stop giggling as they stripped down and removed their soiled underwear. Both pairs were heavy with discharge, but thankfully their school pants weren't affected. Ryan was about to put his undies in a pocket when Jim asked,

"Hey, I hope you don't think I'm a freak or a pervert but how about we exchange our undies. That way I'll always have a part of you to remember. Am I being weird?"

"Weird? No, it's a great idea, because as you say there'll always be something to remember us by. That's the problem with Tommo; whilst I've got memories, I've not got anything physical to keep his memory alive. Here, take mine and you give me yours."

And so with a genuine feeling of happiness they returned to school lessons knowing that something wonderful had happened.

## Chapter Eleven

### 11.1

It took some time for Ryan to recover after Tommo's funeral. The days turned into weeks and the weeks to months and still the pain persisted. On the first anniversary of their friend's death, the three boys and his parents, visited the boy's grave, and collectively vowed to keep his memory alive. It wasn't so much how he'd died but the circumstances that led to Tommo taking the only way out – well, as he saw it, the only way out. Of course, Ryan lived with his own secret, and his mind kept recalling Tommo's plaintive plea.

Surprisingly, he enjoyed school. By the beginning of year ten he felt comfortable being at The Grammar School; he'd made friends, his athletic ability improved, and he even started to feel relaxed about his secret. He'd turned sixteen and had to face the first major exam, the Intermediate Certificate, at year's end. All was well, except;

Jim, Jimmy, Jimbo.

Their attraction hadn't waned, and the more they both tried to ignore what was happening, the harder it became. It didn't help, when their athletic status forced a certain intimacy at training and in the showers. Of course, he was able to relieve sexual pressure with Gus, and as he grew older with hyper-active hormones, he welcomed his regular visits to the caravan.

He marvelled how considerate Gus was and enjoyed experimenting with various foreplays. After the first hesitant beginnings, Ryan found he enjoyed the 'passive' role more than the 'active' and this suited them both. One exercise really turned him on.

It was a warm Saturday, so when he arrived he found Gus lying on the covers, naked except for a pair of boxers.

"Well now, guess who it is; my little fuck-buddy looking, I must say really juicy. All this running and training has made you into a beautiful young man; look, me cock's saying hello. C'mon here sexy."

Without hesitation Ryan tantalizingly undressed, allowing Gus to drool over his maturing body. When naked, he crawled onto the bed and laid himself atop Gus. Kissing his mentor deeply, he gyrated his pelvis so that the two painfully erect penises rubbed against each other. Soft groans and a responsive pelvis signalled that Gus was in rapture. Ryan gazed fondly at his mentor as waves of intense pleasure consumed him. A gentle kiss and he could feel his climax . . .

"Stop, baby, stop; like you I'm close but I want to try something else on you. Here, lie back down on your back."

Curious, Ryan did as requested and lay on his back, marvelling at the strong muscled frame of the older boy. In his late teens Gus's body gleamed with health and great muscle structure. He wasn't handsome, he wasn't pretty to look at, but from the tip of his head down to both big toes, he exuded masculinity. In a fast move he grabbed Ryan's left leg and started suckling the big toe. Ryan reacted instantly,

"Oh my god, Oh, Oh that's incredible, Oh shit, please, please . . ."

Gus now had Ryan twisting and panting in ecstasy. His cock leaked, and he seemed to be in perpetual climax; then Gus started on his other leg. It was complete sexual agony, a feeling of extreme pleasure. Such was his need he pleaded for his partner to let him reach orgasm. But Gus wasn't finished. In one deft movement he used a slickened finger to penetrate Ryan and stroked his prostrate.

"Oh man, oh shit, harder . . . harder, I can't hold back I'm co . . .."

His cock jerked, and a shot of semen erupted, splashing Ryan's torso, followed by another, then another, and another . . . till he shuddered and settled back into the bedding, panting as his climax abated.

"Fuck! ( _Gus shook his head in wonder)_ were did all that juice come from? You almost drowned in yer own cum. _(Moving up so his own shaft was in reach of Ryan's mouth)_ Now It's your turn; watching you cum has made me feral. Please . . ."

Without further invitation Ryan swallowed Gus, and within seconds the older boy erupted into the youngster's mouth. Drained and satiated they snuggled side by side.

"That was incredible Gus, how 'd ya learn to do that. You found another erotic zone I didn't know existed; I can't wait for the next time."

"Anytime, boyo, anytime. ( _Pause_ ) Say how d'yer still feel about yer mate, Tommo? It's coming up to another anniversary; do yer still have trouble remembering?"

"( _Sadly and thoughtfully_ ) Yes, yes I do. I'll always remember him, _(long pause_ ) particularly his plea that I never let on I'm a homo. ( _Both boys stayed silent)_ I don't know if I can do that Gus, as I get older I'm coming to accept who and what I am. I can't live in the closet forever. Any helpfulls?"

"Nah; look at some stage you're gonna want to tell someone, particularly someone ya might want to settle down with. Ya can't avoid who you are; no one can. You've turned sixteen and got yer whole life ahead of you. Look, yer gonna make some mistakes, and perhaps deal with some shit, emotional shit I mean, so ya gotta make yerself strong enough to handle any abuse, physical or otherwise. Look, I reckon I'm sorta yer big brother, with benefits _(they both burst into laughter at the thought – no matter how true it was)_ so I reckon you should take up a martial arts course, so that if'n anyone hassles ya, ya can fight back. Believe me, no one will mix it with you if'n they gets stomped on. They'll respect you. Do yer think you can do that?"

'Hey, that's terrific! I can do that. Grammar school has a class for Kung Fu if that's what it's called. I can easily take that course, easy peasy. That's a great idea and, thank you Gus, I mean it. What about you, is that what you did?"

"Yep, got me a Brown belt in Judo; next step is the Black belt. Coupla times hetro's have tried to get physical, but after I laid some of them out, they stopped hassling me. Believe me, every homo should do a Judo course, I'd make it mandatory."

"( _Changing the subject)_ You know we've always talked about me, I don't know anything about you, family, friends or even enemies. Care to talk?"

"Nah, not really, but I'll try and give you the general picture. Me dad's a farmer up north country and times were hard. I got two brothers, one older the other younger. We were preparing to take over the farm when the old man retired, and I'll tell ya Ryan, I loved it. Loved the life, loved bein' out in the open, loved being with animals, and of course loved me old man. I knew I was a homo from early on and were terrified of anyone finding out. You know what I'm talking about. _(Ryan nodded)_ Anyways we hired a farm hand, mixed blood and he and I just about fell into each other's arms. I was so bloody naive. Well, as luck would have it, me elder brother sprung us in an athletic position, told Dad, and I was kicked out. Came down to the city, and well, here I am. End of story."

"Do yer miss 'em?"

"Every day. But me old man's was brought up with the bloody bible and t'him I'm just a dirty sinner. Nuthin I can do about it. I think I could get on with me mum and me younger brother, but my eldest - names Ray - won't have a bar o' me."

Ryan became very thoughtful, and then,

"What about you and me Gus, does yer think we could buddy up and live together. I like ya a lot and the thoughts crossed me mind at times. What do . . ."

"I'm flattered, but you've gotta lot of growing up before you'll want to settle down. Who's to say, maybe in another ten years things'll be different, how about we wait till then, eh? But thanks anyway. How's things at home?

"Same old, same old. Me dad's started to booze heavily, and I gets worried he might do some harm to me mum. Gawd that woman's got a tongue on her. I don't understand women. Because they'se can't be hit they can use any spiteful language without any consequences. It's sorta cowardly. Man, some of the things she calls him are downright awful. Yells, I really mean yells, that he's only got a tiny cock, got no backbone and such. What can a bloke do? It ain't fair. "

"Geeze, she said that, told the world his cock's tiny. Gawd I'd flatten any sheila who broadcast that. I feel sorry fer your dad, but there ain't nuthin he can do – except leave her. How would you feel about that?"

"Bring it on! At least then I could have a decent relationship with both of 'em. If they were apart there'd be no tension, so I reckon it'd be good. Yeah, I'd like that, and I'm sure me Gran agrees with it too."

"But didn't you say she's churchy and a good catholic. Don't that go against them Catholics teaching?"

"Maybe, but whoever wrote those rules didn't have to live with two people who hate each other. I wish this Jesus bloke could spend a week at my place; he'd soon change the rules I'm sure."

"( _Laughing_ ) Ryan sometimes you just crack me up. Yer too wise fer you're age. I guess that's why I like ya."

<><><><>

### 11.2

####

Towards the end of Year ten Ryan, along with other boys, faced the upcoming Intermediate Certificate exam. This was a milestone in the lives of all schoolboys in the nineteen fifties, because from there they went on to finish year twelve and subsequently to University. For those leaving school after the Intermediate to join the workforce, it was almost impossible to eventually enter University.

Ryan looked forward to University and would do what most low-income families do \- work to pay Uni fees. For some reason Veterinary School appealed to him, so he began to prepare in advance for the course. Strangely, it was Gus who encouraged him. With his knowledge of farming, he counselled Ryan in Animal Husbandry and other aspects of farm life. Gus was keen because he'd planned to do the same course until his dad kicked him out. Gus taught well, and in no time Ryan began to look forward to Uni. Their friendship was sort of unusual; Gus became a teacher not only in pleasure, but also to ensure the boy had an easy entrance into University.

On his way home from school one day, Ryan found a young puppy who looked homeless. He's always longed to have a dog but was thwarted by his mother, who declared she didn't want to have such a dirty creature anywhere near her house. This continued until he was sixteen, when on finding the puppy he decided 'to hell with her' and brought the puppy home. Predictably his mother ranted and raved but shut up when both his father and Nanna supported Ryan's determination. The pup captured everyone's hearts, even grudgingly his mother, and soon became a family member. With the dog as a live specimen, Gus taught Ryan all about canine anatomy and much fun was had trying to still a squirming animal whilst Gus pointed out various anatomical features

Oh, what was the dog's name? Why 'Gus' of course.

The exams came and went. As with all students everywhere, Ryan compared his performance with others and concluded he'd done well, if not extremely well. If he dedicated himself over the coming two years, his entry to Uni was assured. Enthusiastic and happy, he and Gus explored what jobs he could take to pay for University and settled on a short list. At one time he saw Gus's eyes grow misty and understood why. In a way this motivated him; he was going to do what had been denied to Gus.

He began to notice that, whilst the arguments at home continued, of late they seemed to be heating up. The curses, name-calling, insults, and threats moved into a new level. On sunny days, to get away, Ryan would load up with reading material – anything on Animal Husbandry \- and go to his secret spot in the bush. There he was able to increase his knowledge without all the distracting crap.

On a Sunday, two weeks after his exam, they sat down to the usual Sunday dinner. He sensed a certain tension.

"Hey .Nan, how was Mass this morning. Did Father O'Brian vomit his usual crap?"

"Now Ryan don't you go talking about a priest like that. Just because you're growing up doesn't give you the right to be disrespectable. I didn't want to say anything, but before your exams started I went and lit a candle, praying for you to do well. From what you say, my prayers have been answered."

"( _Laughing_ ) Oh that's rich, are you telling us that your precious God helped the poor lad. That's hilarious. I should call the cops and tell them Jesus is helping my son cheat. Yeah, that's what I'll do, swear out a complaint."

"For heaven's sake Bill, leave your twisted mind out of this. We have more pressing problems to talk about."

Pressing? Problems? Something ain't right.

The rest of the lunch went quietly; Ryan could sense tension in the air; more than usual tension. Suddenly, Merle dropped her knife and fork with a clatter. Ryan jumped.

"This is ridiculous, I don't agree with what you're doing and I certainly object to both of you being such cowards. Tell the boy!"

"( _Alarmed_ ) Tell me what .Nan? What's going on?"

Merle ignored Ryan and just glared at Bill and Clare. Neither said anything, they just stared at their dinner plates.

" _(Really scared)_ Will someone please tell me what's going on, yer making me scared. If it's about the dog, I promise I'll keep him outta the house. If he . . ."

"( _Angry_ ) no, it's not about little Gus, Ryan, your parents want you to leave the Grammar school at the end of the year. Seems they can't afford the fees any longer. Hrrummph!

" _(Concerned_ ) Is that it? Is that what yer being so secretive about. Am I gonna have to leave school because ya can't afford to pay the fees?"

" _(Merle responded with disgust)_ Seems your father has been made to work part-time, so there's less money coming in. For heaven's sake, will either one of you have the guts to talk to the boy and tell him what you decided behind his back!"

'There's no need to talk like that mother, I'll . . ."

'Bullshit! Talk . . ."

"Ryan, language."

"( _Hostile_ ) Bullshit my language. Nan's just said I can't continue at me school because you'se can't afford the fees anymore. Is that true!"

"Well, that's not exactly how I'd put it, because . . ."

"( _Close to tears)_ For Christ's sake, and don't give me that language shit, talk to me you gutless wonders. And you ( _addressing his father_ ) how come they put you on part time? Is it because yer drunk most times and yer boss took pity on ya, instead of firing ya, he put you part time. Right?"

"See the boys intelligent, he knows what's going on. I hate what you two are doing, my grandson's got more spunk in him than you give him credit."

Spunk? In me? How did she find that out? She been sniffing me undies?

" _(Crying softly)_ Ya can't do this t 'me. I got mates I care about, real good friends that likes me and I like them. I've just signed up for a Jujitsu course that I wanna finish. There's gotta be some way to get extra money. How about I get a night job that'll go some way to pay the fees. Please mum, please Dad, this is important to me because I really want to go to Uni. I dream of being a vet and look after animals. Please, please!"

Now the silence was deafening. Eventually,

"Ryan I know how difficult this is for you, but we have to face facts as a family. There isn't enough money coming in for you to continue at school. I hoped you would be reasonable . . ."

"( _Tears were streaming down his face)_ Reasonable mother? You want me to be reasonable? You and that misfit yer married to have gone and settled me life without asking me. That's really rotten. Both of yer should be ashamed. ( _Pause_ ) So that's that eh? I gotta leave Grammar and go to Manly High to finish school. Why the fuck . . ."

"Ryan! . . ."

"( _Sob_ ) I don't care If'n yer don't like me shitty language. You and him deserve it! Why the fuck did you send me to Grammar if you couldn't afford the fees? Why, why?"

"I wanted you to mix with decent boys, not the riffraff that goes to Manly High. I was right wasn't I, you've met some nice boys and made friendships that you never would have at the local school. I was right wasn't I."

"Oh, listen to yourself Clare. I warned you about the boy going to an expensive school, but your social climbing bullshit . . .

Geeze I never heard me Nan swear before. Go girl, gawd I love the old bat!

. . . has gone and harmed your own son. Shame on you. Shame!"

"Don't you dare criticize me mother. All I did was try to give my son a better life, to see how proper people act, and to make the right friends. What's wrong with that?"

"Oh, you're impossible. Now Ryan I know you're upset and rightly so. Let's hear from you. How do you feel?"

_(Teary eyed)_ feel Nan? I feel rotten, but no one's gonna stop me going to Uni and becoming a vet. I'll just have to do my final exams with Manly High. I suppose I know Bluey and Geoff next door and that'll ease the pain, but no one, I repeat no one is gonna bust me dream."

At that, his Grandmother began to cry. Long deep sobs wracked her frame, she sobbed unconsolably. It seemed she'd been controlling herself for a long time; Ryan's last statement just broke the dam. Ryan was mortified,

"Nan, Nan, oh my gawd, what'd I say. Oh, please Nan don't cry, please . . . ( _sob_ ) please, I'm sorry Nan what did I say. I'm stupid I know. Please stop crying Nan, yer the last person in the whole world that I'd want to hurt. I'm so sorry nan."

Eventually, her crying gave way to sniffles and she spoke to Ryan whilst looking harshly at her daughter.

"They're lying to you grandson. They don't even want you to go to Manly High, they want you to leave school permanently. They need you to earn money to make up the difference in your wretched father's pay. You're being sacrificed, boy and I can't take it any longer. I'm going to live with your uncle, I don't want to look at these two pathetic parents who unfortunately happen to be your pathetic parents."

A cold wave of despair swamped Ryan as his grandmothers words sunk in. No, it couldn't be true. No, no, no! But neither of his parents rebutted Merle's words.

The ensuing silence was profound. Ryan was too shocked to cry; instead a cold anger embraced him. Now both his parents were confronted with two pairs of hostile eyes.

Silence, except for Merle's sniffles.

"( _Coldly_ ) tell me it isn't true . . . tell me you're not going to sacrifice my life, my future, my dreams just because my father is a drunkard?"

"Don't you dare talk about your father like that. This family is in financial crisis and we're all expected to pool our resources so that food can be put on the table and the rent paid. You're lucky young man that you've got a roof over your head, a place to sleep, and food to eat. Many kids don't have that, boyo. There's a lot worse off than you. All we're asking is that you leave school two years early and help out. I can't see anything wrong with that, if you do then you're an inconsiderate child."

"( _Hostile_ ) What! You're calling me inconsiderate, me. You! you sit there all righteous like, after killing my dreams and call me inconsiderate. How dare you! How dare you! And here's another thought; what about you? Why can't you get a job and bring in the extra cash. What's wrong with that?"

"( _Aghast_ ) you want me to go to work . . ."

"That's what the boys saying Clare. It's the only time I've agreed with your mother. What's wrong with you going to work eh?"

"Oh, I get it now, your all ganging up on poor me ( _sounds of disgust came from Merle),_ if I went to work, who'd keep the house clean, wash and iron your cloths, cook the meals, and do the shopping. Who, who, eh?"

"Me, . . . I get home from school about three p.m. I could do the shopping and put the cloths in the washer. I could even, with Gran's help, prepare the evening meal. You've got all weekend to clean the house, and we'd all help of course."

" _(Merle jumped in triumphantly)_ There, that's what I've been saying all along, and the lad's just repeated almost word for word what I've been saying."

"And for what it's worth, Merle's right. You're just being callous to your son. _(Looking at Ryan)_ the real reason son, is that she doesn't want to give up her Wednesday afternoon tennis circle, or her Monday card group, or the Friday bingo. Not to mention the gossip clique."

"Oh, that's horrid, that's awful to say that's the only reason I can't . . ."

". . . won't."

". . . go to work. Besides I don't have any skills. I've given my life for this family, trying to be a good wife and mother. I don't have any education, I can't type, and am bad at sums. No, I cannot get a job, so that's an end to it. Surely Ryan, you don't want to see your mother in this predicament?"

"Yes . . . yes, I do."

"How dare you show disrespect to your mother. I brought you into this world so at least you owe me respect. I'm your mother."

This outburst had everyone staring at her in disbelief. It was all crap, she knew it, as did they all.

Ryan just sat bewildered. An hour ago, he had the world at his feet, now an hour later his whole world collapsed. It was so sudden and cruel that . . . he vomited. Bits of undigested chicken were sprayed all over the table, cutlery, and most significantly, his mother. He continued to retch, the smell being extremely unpleasant. Everyone was shocked. Suddenly Ryan left the table and headed for the bathroom still retching.

No one wanted dessert.

Back in his room Ryan crawled into bed and pulled the cover right over his head. He was so upset he couldn't cry. Just then a warm body deposited itself next to him and pulled the cover exposing his head. It was Merle.

"C'mon lad, have a good cry with me. I can't abide what your parents are doing. I'm ashamed of your mother. There's' nothing to prevent her getting a job and like you said, we could all share the load if need be. I just don't understand her anymore. Look, don't be too hard on your father. I know he's a loser, but deep down he's got a kind heart. He shouldn't of married your mother, she needs someone to be strong with her; your dad's too easy-going. She needs a firm hand that's what. I love you Ryan, of all my grandkids you're my favourite. I hurt so much that you can't fulfil your dream and become a Vet. Truth is I've saved up a little money, not much, but enough to help out with your Uni. We'll work through this somehow."

"Nan, I love you so much I reckon I'll burst. Why are you so good and my mother so bad? Don't ever leave me Nan, I couldn't live without you, promise me!"

"( _Sigh_ ) I wish I could promise you lad, but we've all got to go at some stage. No one lives forever. Come here, let me cuddle you like I did when you were little."

With that Merle lifted the cover and slid in beside Ryan. It brought back memories . . ."

"Yer not gonna read me Irish History are ya Nan?"

"( _laughing_ ) No, not today, I just want you to understand you're not alone. What happened out there was so bad I myself did a bit of bawling, Sake's alive, I haven't cried for years. I'm really upset lad, I understand what a shock this has been."

"Yeah, I still can't . . ."

Clare poked her head into Ryan's room.

"Ryan, mother, have you seen your father?"

"No, last I saw him was at the table. I got up just after Ryan was sick. Why?"

"I can't find him."

"What about outside, he might be in the garden. Try there."

"Oh, Ok I will."

"( _Stroking Ryan's head)_ Don't try to make any plans Ryan, give yourself time to adjust. For my part I don't want you to give up your dream. ( _outside came calls of '_ Bill' _, '_ Bill' _)_ I've been doing some thinking and might have an answer. Not going to say anything just now, because I want to check some things out. Just remember I'm on your side and we'll find a way through this mess."

"Thanks Nan. It's just good to know I'm not alone. I feel so . . . so, devastated, it's as if my whole world collapsed around me."

"Yep, that I can understand . . ."

Then his mother started to scream,

"( _Scream_ ) BILL! Oh my god, ( _long_ _scream_ ) BILL."

Both Grandmother and grandson jumped at the urgency of Clare's scream. She came rushing in, screaming,

"RYAN QUICK, your fathers locked himself in the laundry and turned the gas on. HE'S TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF, PLEASE RYAN HURRY, he won't come out; you'll have to break the door down. Hurry!"

Both Ryan and Merle jumped out of bed and headed for the laundry room which was outside and attached to the house. Frantic with worry, Ryan banged on the door and shouted,

"Dad, dad, please dad open the door, please dad, open up please."

No answer, . . .. so, Ryan repeated his entreaty. No sound. There was only one thing to do. He stepped back about four paces and crashed himself into the door. It wouldn't budge. Thinking quickly, he raced into the garage and returned with an axe. After several chops he had a hole wide enough to put his hand through and open the door.

His father was lying with his mouth against the gas copper from which raw gas was gushing forth. Dragging him outside, without thinking he yelled,

"QUICK, CALL AN AMBULANCE, HURRY!. I'll give him R&R. that I learnt at school for just something like this."

He saw that his dad was still breathing so they had a chance. Immediately he went into R&R routine and kept at it until he heard the ambulance arrive. Luckily, he'd saved his father just in time. After that, everything was a blur.

The ambos came with paramedics and soon had Bill Seaton stable. Almost an anti-climax, they bundled him into the ambulance and sped to hospital. The activity, on a quiet Sunday afternoon drew many curious neighbours. They gathered in front of the gate and gossiped amongst themselves, and the news spread fast. Inside the house turmoil rained.

Whilst Clare Seaton wailed about how inconsiderate her husband was, Ryan began to shake, even whilst the paramedics were there. Fearing any deterioration, they injected a mild sedative which at least brought his shaking under control. Geoff hopped over the fence and called out to Ryan from the back steps. Soon, Bluey joined him, so Ryan sat with his two mates and explained what happened.

"I dunno, I guess he just decided he'd had enough. It weren't sumthin he'd planned, cause the gas heater were not full open. If'n it had been full on, well, who knows?"

"Gawd yer looks awful Ryan, musts been a shock. Gotta hand it to ya though, seems you've come through Ok. I reckon I'd be a bloody mess if it were my old man. I mean as much as he's a dickhead, he's still me father and the boss. Sumthin must've really set yer dad off to make him . . . you know . . . do himself in. What happened?"

"Well, ( _Sigh_ ) it's gotta come out some time Geoff, but they'se put me dad on part time and I gotta leave school and go to work to bring in more money. _(Starting to cry)_ Shit, I hates it. I had me heart set on going to Uni and becoming a Vet. Now . . . well. I just can't. Me dreams are in the shitter!"

Both boys just sat with eyes downcast. They knew how Ryan had his heart set on Uni and they felt sorry for him. There wasn't anything they could do, so they let the silence grow.

"Well, I suppose it ain't the end of the world, plenty of kids are worse off than me, so's I just gotta do best I can. Hasn't really sunk in yet, so I'm a bit raw still. Tell yer what though, whilst we curse and bitch about our dads, it ain't as bad as them being dead. I'd rather had a bad cunt over a dead cunt anytime."

"Yeah, I know what's yer saying. Whilst mine don't beat me up, he can be pretty hard sometimes layin' down the law. But I knows he loves me, he does."

"Hey Geoff, what's with Bert, he ain't been hassling me for a few weeks now? He been to church or sumthin?"

"( _Laughing_ ) Naw, me mum gave him a real dressing down after the last time you and him . . . ahh, went biffo. Told him not to take any notice of dad and try and act grown up. Told him he's a child and I'se more mature than him. She really socked it to him, right mad she was. Since then he's been a goody-goody, and I loves it. She musta said sumthin to me dad because he's been quiet and don't fire Bert up with any shit stuff. I'd say yer won't have trouble from big brother from now on."

"That's a shame Geoff, me and Ryan here was looking forward to a biff up with yer brother. Now what're we gonna do?"

"Pull our puds!"

The three boys cracked up over this and laughed themselves stupid. Eventually Ryan had to go inside, and they split up.

<><><><>

### 11.3

Late in the afternoon Ryan and his mother, made their way to the hospital. Ryan felt awkward having to confront his father, but it was necessary to talk as soon as possible. On arrival they were directed to a special ward set up for just these circumstances. Bill Seaton would be on suicide watch until he was deemed no longer a threat to himself. All in all, an embarrassing situation.

Just as they were about to enter a nurse came up and addressed Clare Seaton.

"Excuse me ma'am but I take it you're Mr Seaton's wife and this young man here his son?"

"Yes, what of it. I just want to . . ."

"Ahh, Mr Seaton has asked for you to wait here; he only wants to talk to his son, Ryan. I'm sorry, but I'm only relaying his instructions. As you can appreciate, we need Mr Seaton to have only rest and quiet, we don't want him upset. Sorry Ma'am."

"WHAT! I'm his wife and I will see my husband. He has no idea the problems and worry he's caused and needs to know what he's done to me. I will see him and that's that."

"Sorry ma'am but only his son Ryan can see Mr Seaton now. When he decides that he wants to see you I . . . we'll let you know. Now Ryan . . . it is Ryan? _(Ryan nodded)_ Ok, he's been sedated and might sound a little . . ."

"HOLD ON NOW! Forget about telling my son, I'm going in to see him right NOW."

'( _Exasperated_ ) No, you're not! And if you cause any more trouble I'll call security, and have you escorted from the hospital. Now why don't you be a good girl and have a cup of tea in the cafeteria, which is located on the ground floor. There's a good girl now."

'Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do, ( _Reading the nurse's name tag)_ nurse Gelda, . . .

" . . . it's Sister Gelda!"

. . . I'm going to report you to your superior and request you be terminated forthwith. You just picked on the wrong person . . ."

"( _ignoring Clare_ ) go on in Ryan, your dad . . ."

"I'm talking to you! Don't you dare ignore me! How such a rude person . . ."

"Here Ryan, I'd better take you in now. ( _Turning to Clare)_ and you . . . shut up!"

So, Ryan and the duty sister approached Bill Seaton's bed leaving a fuming Clare Seaton outside. His dad was looking a lot better; his face had regained some colour and he looked to be resting comfortably. An oxygen mask covered his mouth and nose, enabling him to breath without difficulty. Spying Ryan, he removed the mask and motioned for him to sit in the chair beside the bed. For some time, father and son just looked at each other. Eventually,

"I'm told you saved my life young man. I suppose I should be grateful. I'm just sorry for you to see your dad like that. I'm really sorry Ryan for scaring you."

"Why dad, why?"

"Yes, a good question boy. Look I just can't take listening to your mother any more. Sure, I'm weak, and that's probably why she's like she is. I don't stand up to her and that's my fault. Don't be too hard on her Ryan, if she'd married a better man I'm sure she'd be more pleasant. I'm the problem Ryan, not your mum."

"Please dad, please forgive me. I've said some dreadful things to you, called you names and such. I don't agree you're weak, that's a wrong word, yer just easy-going that's all. I'm the same, I don't like arguments, and . . . and well, I'm no angel. I love you dad, when I was givin' you R&R I was scared you were gonna die. Real scared dad, because I love you."

"Oh, I don't know Ryan, I haven't been much of a father to you. I wish I was stronger and have you respect me, but . . . well, I'm not ( _sigh_ ). I feel so bad about you having to go to work and make up for my weakness. It was that thought that made me do what I did. You've got a dream and I ruined it for you. I feel bad about that and don't know what to do to make amends. Sorry!"

With that Ryan reached over and grabbed his father's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"I'm sorry for not being a better son, dad. I was so full of me own issues I didn't give a thought to how you might be feeling. Please forgive me."

"Nothing to forgive, boyo. You just get on with your own life and make me proud as I'm going to make you proud. ( _Sigh_ ) Hopefully."

For several minutes father and son were linked, silently holding each other's hand. Eventually,

"Dad, why don't you and mum split? Surely you'd both be better away from each other. Then I could come and visit with you without all the crap – ooop's, sorry – that's been going on. Why don't you? I reckon you'd be a lot happier than what you are now."

"Yes, you're right. I want to do that, but your Mothers afraid of the social stigma divorce means. She just won't agree to a separation let alone divorce. And anyway, I have no place to go. We're just low-income battlers Ryan, and although it sucks we just have to grin and bear it."

"Don't see much grinning lately, just misery."

Just then the sister came in and cut short the visit. As she led Ryan away, he turned and said loudly,

"Hey dad, I love you very much, I'm proud to be yer son!"

<><><><>

### 11.4

" . . . so, that's it then, I can't go back to school, not even Manly High, I gotta find a job much like you did when you were sixteen. Going to Uni is just not possible. I hate it Gus, really hate it. It's not fair that I haveta get a job and my bloody mother gets to keep her tennis, cards and gossiping."

"Oh fuck, that's awful, bloody rotten. I've never met the woman, but I don't believe yer mum is a very nice person. Surely, she wants the best for ya, I mean that's what mothers are for. Look even my mum still gets in touch and assures me she loves me. It's not her that's the problem, it's me puritanical old man – and that arsehole of a big brother. What are ya gonna do?"

Ryan dreaded telling Gus about Uni and such. Gus became excited thinking about Ryan going to Uni and learning to be a Vet. Now, it all seemed impossible and he couldn't hide his disappointment.

"Jesus Ryan I don't want you to end up like me, _(Ryan went to interrupt but Gus shook his head_ ) no, I gotta say this; all ya can get is dead-end jobs like delivering the post. I ain't got any prospects, but was keen to help you get through Uni. This is shittin' awful!"

"I know, but there ain't nuthin I can do. Me leaving school was the reason me dad tried to top himself, and I don't wanna be too hard on him."

"Bye the way, how is he? When's he coming home, or is he coming home? I reckon he should ditch yer mother because she's only gunna get worse, not better. Surely he'd be happier leaving the woman."

"Yeah I know. I asked him that same question, and all he could say that he couldn't afford to leave me mum. Y'see, we're sorta poor and with him only working part time he couldn't afford the upkeep she'd demand on him. His only alternative is to stay with her and somehow ignore her bitchin'."

"That just ain't gunna work, boyo. He knows she's got him by the balls and she knows it. How'd you feel when he said he's weak?"

"I don't reckon he is weak. Nope, he's just a bloke that's easy-going. I mean he's got lottsa friends, folks like him, and I reckon a few bar maids would like to get in his pants. Oh shit! I shouldn't be sayin' such things."

"Hey yer with me now boyo, you can say what ya like. You don't have to be defensive about yer dad, it's what yer feels for him that's important. So how do yer feel?"

"Since we talked, and I held his hand in the hospital I feel different. I mean he's just a guy, a simple bloke like me and somehow we just came closer. It were good.."

"Ok, but now let's talk about you. Have you thought about doing yer Leaving Exam going to night school? It's a toughie but you can go to a local Tech College and study fer yer Exam there. Don't give up laddie, kept yer options open. You passed yer Intermediate in good style so passing the Year twelve exam should be a breeze for ya. Am I talking rubbish?"

"NO! no yer not! Shit, why didn't I think of that? Of course I can do that, and part of the money I earn will go to paying me Uni fees. Jesus, thanks Gus, yer a champ. Wow!"

"Hey, hey, don't get carried away young fella. It won't be easy and it's gunna be hard working all day and then going to school after. You won't get home till about ten p.m. and you'll probably have to study on weekends when yer mates are out having a good time. But if you really want Uni, then the door's open. Do yer want to run this by yer parents before making a decision?"

"No! it's my life, and there's no way they can say no to me. Both me Dad and Nanna will support me, and I'll just ignore the woman who calls herself my mother."

"Beaudy! Now it ain't my business but I'm a bit concerned yer mothers gunna rip all yer wages off ya as soon as you start working. My advice is to only give her enough to cover yer board and food. If yer makes it clear from the get-go she ain't gonna have all yer wages then she'll have to live with that. Now that'll mean standing up to her; she'll want the lot and you'll just have to tell her she can't have it. Full stop!"

"Nah don't worry, she won't get the best of me. If I give her all me wages she'll just keep on her merry way of socializing. She don't know it yet but she's gonna go to work whether she likes it or not. Jesus Gus, I feel much better talking to ya. You've been a real big help."

"Well, like I said, yer more of a younger brother to me. I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did boyo. You've become a part of me whether you like it or not."

And so a phase in Ryan's life ended with him facing hardships ahead. The only persons, besides himself, who knew his secret were Gus and Jim Tandara. He was constantly reminded of Tommo's bedside entreaty. On the positive side, a new bond had been created with his father, and his friendship with Gus became stronger. Apparently Bert Cree had been neutralized and both Geoff and Bluey remained friends. On the negative side he was facing years of hardship in passing the Leaving Exam and then funding his Vet course at the University. Then, of course. there was his mother and the prospect of continual emotional blackmail.

# PART TWO

Over fifty years ago, loving the wrong person could make you a criminal. Smiling in the park could lead to arrest and being in the wrong address book could cost you a prison sentence. Homosexuality was illegal and hundreds of thousands of men feared being picked up by zealous police wanting easy convictions. Sadly it was very easy, you could be charged, often for doing nothing more than looking a bit gay. Some newspapers reported court cases, but they talked of "gross indecency" because they couldn't bring themselves to mention it, so young people were lucky if they could work out what was going on.

It is hard to imagine now how repressive was the atmosphere surrounding homosexuality in the 1950's. Little was spoken about it, and you could be well into late adolescence before you even realised you were a criminal.

Homosexuality was perceived as a lurking subversive threat at a time when countries were coping with tremendous social change as well as rising anxiety about Communism.

Political rhetoric increasingly linked "Communists and queers." Many assumptions about Communists mirrored common beliefs about homosexuals. Both were thought to be morally weak or psychologically disturbed, both were seen as godless, both purportedly undermined the traditional family, both were assumed to recruit adherents, and both were shadowy figures with a secret subculture.

On April 27, 1953, President Eisenhower issued Executive Order 10450, which banned gay men and lesbians from working for any agency of the federal government. This was known as the Lavender Scare and led to mass firings of gay people by the government during the 1950's in the United States.

The disruptions of World War II allowed formerly isolated gay men and women to meet as soldiers, war workers and other such volunteers. They were uprooted from small towns and posted worldwide. Many minds were opened by wartime, during which LGBT people were tolerated in military service . If that wasn't hypocrisy, well . . .?

Then, after the war came the 1950's. Gay men and lesbians were at risk for being locked up on psychiatric grounds, being jailed, losing jobs, and losing child custody hearings; the latter because courts and clinics defined gay love as sick, criminal or immoral.

Down under, in 1950's Australia, the social, political, and cultural mobilization of the early years of the cold war, also led to a high-profile attack on homosexuality. In the face of repression, vilification and silencing, resistance was almost impossible.

Then in one of history's great paradox's, attempts to stamp out homosexuality led to its being given unprecedented publicity in newspapers, parliament, and medical journals.

If you let your mind travel to current Gay Pride marches or Mardi Gras around the world, just remember that all those happy people, in the 1950's, were classified as criminals.

## Chapter Twelve

### 12.1

The decision to leave school was so sudden Ryan had no time to say farewell. Some acquaintances lived locally, so he made a point of telling them he wasn't coming back. Some kids were disappointed because Ryan was popular and respected for his athletic ability. His real concern was Jim. Since their meeting in the ablutions block they'd taken every safe opportunity to explore their sexuality. Ryan sensed Jim was on the point of wanting to explore penetration, which Ryan would enthusiastically enjoy. It was only a question of where . . . and of course, when.

Never far from his conscious was Tommo's entreaty – 'Promise me, Ryan promise me . . .'. Yes, they took chances, but they were young and horny – a perilous combination.

Now he was in a bind. With Jim living so far away – about 50 miles – it was hard to get together. However there was no way he'd leave school without seeing Jim; he needed to know why Ryan wasn't coming back and he resolved to tell the truth – they couldn't afford to keep him at school.

Luckily Jim's family had a phone installed (in 1950's not every home had a direct phone line) so he called, struggling manfully to hold back the tears. It was indeed painful, and when he broke the news he could tell Jimmy was pretty shaken up. They resolved to meet the next week at the movies in town. Ryan hung up with an empty feeling and again cursed his mother.

But this was summertime down under and he overcame his heartbreak by surfing at the local beach called 'Freshwater'. As well as being good at athletics he revelled in swimming and at the age of Fifteen he'd joined the Life Saving club as a cadet. All during the summer months, clubs from all over the State of New South Wales would compete in what was called 'Carnivals' to hone Life Saving Techniques and to prove who was best. The Freshwater club was very competitive, and Ryan had no trouble in establishing himself as a young champion. The other benefit was the eye-candy. The racing costumes were skimpy and often left nothing to the imagination. With his athletics and life-saving activities Ryan blossomed into a sturdy male specimen, and spending so much time in the sun, he developed a healthy tan which added to his good looks. He had no shortage of female admirers, and certainly, several males as well. The subject of sport came up at a Sunday lunch.

As Ryan chewed a juicy chicken leg his mother announced,

"Now that you won't be competing in athletics you'll have to take up some other sport Ryan. I hope you're considering football."

"No, I'm not and never will. Got too much respect for me body. I'm doing Judo."

"Why, why? Football's a wonderful sport for a young boy. You make good friends and could become famous. Wouldn't you like to see your name in the local paper having scoured several try's?"

"Yeah wot about having yer name on the injury list with brain damage. Football's as bad as boxing. I got a healthy respect for me scone."

"Ryan where did you pick up that awful slangy language? I'm talking about 'yer' instead of 'you' and 'scone' instead of 'head'. Surely the teachers at Grammar wouldn't let you get away with such speech. Where did you pick up such talking?"

"I dunno. It's how us kids talk. If I talked proper like, none of me mates would understand me. So . . .( _Shrugging_ ) "

"( _Sigh_ ) I'm disappointed, I really am. Now back to sport, you should play football to build yourself up and . . ."

"Oh for heaven's sake Clare, let him alone. He says he won't play football so that's an end to it. He knows what he's doing."

"Don't interfere mother, I'm only considering the child's welfare. He's a growing lad and needs some sport to develop him more."

"Jesus ya never listen do ya. I already told ya that I'm doing Judo and swimming with the Freshie club. There's a gym at the club that I can use whenever I wants to. With Gym, Judo, and swimming I got enough activities to look after me body, and . . . no bloody football."

"Oh so who's going to pay your Judo fees then. Don't come looking to me for the money. You'll pay for it out of your wages, if there's any left after you pay board."

"Wait a minute . . ."

"( _Interrupting_ ) I've been sitting here listening to the crap that comes out of you Clare. One things for certain, he isn't going to give you all his wages when he gets a job. It's his money to do with it what he wants. I don't like the way you're talking, it sounds grubby, like you're gonna demand all his wages."

"And no one asked you to speak, Bill, I'm in charge of the family finances and I'll decide how much he has to give me. What a cheek you have, if you were working full time, Ryan would still be at school. It's because of you that he's had . . ."

"Hold on mother, me dad can't help that he's got to work part time. It's that mongrel boss of his . . ."

"Oh I see it now, you're all ganging up on me, trying to make out that I'm the villain . . ."

"Oh for goodness sake Clare stop feeling sorry for yourself. Everyone here, including me, is making a sacrifice money wise, except you. You still have your Tennis, Card afternoon and Gossip club. You haven't given up anything. You should be out looking for work but, oh no, that would interfere with your social life wouldn't it?"

"Oh shut up mother, that subject is closed, OK."

The ensuing silence was strained. Clare Seaton was never going to go to work; it was a lost cause. After several uncomfortable moments she continued,

"What about a girlfriend Ryan, you haven't brought any one home to meet us. You do have a girlfriend don't you?"

"No, I don't."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Because what?"

"Because it's none of yer business, that's what. Anyway, Girls are stupid, all they do is gossip, and preen themselves by slathering stuff all over their face and lips. Gawd, some chicks are repulsive the amount of lipstick they paint on – revolting!"

"Well we do that because a pretty face is attractive to men. Surely, you like to see a girl with a pretty face?"

"Yer'd never know, because their faces are buried beneath a ton of goo. Ya never see what a sheila looks like without all that war paint. I'd be nice to see what they look like in the morning first thing. Pretty ugly I reckon."

This brought a giggle from Merle and a sharp look from his mother.

"Now you're being horrible Ryan, when a girl goes to a lot of trouble to look nice for you a little appreciation is required. You do like girls don't you?"

Oh wow, this is getting dangerous.

"Not if they slather themselves with disgusting gunk. A pretty face don't need all that slime. No I don't like girls that aren't natural. It's only the ugly ones that have to rely on bottles of junk to make themselves attractive. Does that answer you mother?"

"NO, IT DOESN"T. I wear makeup all the time to make myself look good. Any woman who goes out without proper cosmetics is a fool. People will talk about her. I don't understand you son, I can't believe you don't like girl's with good face powder and lipstick. It's the sort of thing that Davis boy would have said because he's . . . he's, you know."

"Yes, he's a homosexu . . . was. Leave Tommo out of this because he was me best mate and I don't care what team he barracked for. Just let's not talk about him."

"And why not? He did his parents a favour by killing himself. If I had been his mother and found out he was . . . one of those disgusting creatures, I would've thrown him out with nothing but the clothes on his back. You should be grateful you're not like . . . that, because I'd cast you out and forget you were a child of mine. As I said, his parents can now go through their lives without shame."

There was a horrified silence following Clare's outburst. Three hostile pairs of eyes stared at her in horror. A wave of despair engulfed Ryan, his breathing slowed, and his heart-rate soared.

There she said it; that's what I could expect if she finds out I'm queer. I'll be chucked out by her without a second thought. What about me dad and Nanna? Would they let me be tossed out to live on the streets of Kings Cross? I couldn't survive on me own, I'd probably have to sell me body just to have food in me guts. Well, I always wondered what she'd do, so now I knows.

"I can't believe you just said that Clare Seaton. You'd actually send your children packing if they didn't live up to your expectations? I don't agree with homosexuality, I mean the bible is clear enough on the subject, but your own flesh and blood . . . you'd really force them to live on the streets, and have to do . . . well, do things to survive. Shame on you. A mother loves her children no matter how they turn out. Sake's alive, I still love you because you're my daughter . . . even though you're such a bitch."

"Oh I see, you're turning it back on me, making out that I'm in the wrong. I should've expected that. And what about you, my husband, what would you do if you found out your son was . . . well . . . you know?"

"I don't know, say it, what are you talking about?"

"Don't be so naïve, we're talking about having a child that's queer. There, I said it. So what's it to be?"

"First I'd try and find help if that's available or even feasible. After that yes, I'd be disappointed, but I wouldn't do anything drastic such as you're talking about. After all, no one's perfect. We just have to live with each other's imperfections. We're not all like you Clare; ( _smiling evilly_ ) perfect in every way."

"You call yourself a man? You'd actually encourage a child of yours to be involved in such degradation? These perverts are evil. Not only are they criminals but they're condemned by the church. In the sight of God they're evil sinners. And you'd encourage that? Well, thank goodness our son isn't like that evil boy Davis, because I wouldn't be as forgiving as his parents were. Although they probably don't appreciate it, they're fortunate he did away with himself and saved them years of shame and pain. Whatever is the world coming to."

Well, she said it again. If ever I had any doubts about how she would react I know exactly where I stand. Tommo is right, I must never ever let her know I'm queer. I detected some sympathetic understanding from Nanna and possibly my Dad, but she rules the household and I'd be thrown out on the streets if ever she found out.

When Ryan got up from the table he missed the thoughtful look his Grandmother gave him.

<><><><>

### 12.2

It couldn't be delayed anymore. Ryan had to find a job. In Australia, the summer months of December and January were not good for job seeking, because many firms shut down over the Christmas and New Year break. However, during the 1950's, Australia enjoyed 'Full Employment'; employers were actively trying to attract staff, so employees could pick and choose who they worked for.

Offsetting this was location. All commercial activity was still centred in the CBD and there were few job opportunities locally. The local paper was called the "Manly Daily' and every Wednesday and Saturday (preferably the latter) employers advertised for staff.

So one Saturday morning Merle and Ryan sat down to scrutinize the 'Positions Vacant' in the paper.

"What work would you like to do Ryan, do you have any preference?"

"Not really Nan, I'll probably hate whatever job is available. I guess the weekly wage offered is the only guide."

"Hmmm, look why don't you look through the jobs listed, circle what you fancy and then we can discuss each one, eh?"

It was a mixed bunch from manual labour to shop assistants. Not wanting to start his career doing manual labour, Ryan noticed that 'shop assistants' covered a wide range, so he concentrated on this category. For two weeks nothing emerged as interesting and he began to despair. Then on the third Saturday came an advert for a shop assistant to work in a local Chemist. Of all the jobs he'd perused, this one caught his attention. Why? . . . he didn't know. Applicants were invited to present themselves on the Tuesday following at 10 a.m. The weekly wage offered was $A65 ($A580 in 2018). Whilst Merle and Ryan had no idea of relative value, the wage seemed ok.

As Merle said,

"It'll do for a start Ryan, and it's local; give you time to get used to working and earning money. You have to think about Income Tax, Union Fees, and other such deductions. Also, do a good job and you'll probably get an increase."

Surprisingly, when he presented himself for an interview, he found he was the only applicant, so the scrutiny became a mere formality. After being told they would contact him he left in high spirits. Surely enough two days after, he was contacted and told if he still wanted the job he could start on the following Monday.

Visiting Gus the Saturday before, they discussed how much board he should give his mother. Gus said, in his opinion, one third should be adequate to cover food and other expenses, so that was settled. Of the $A65 his mother would get $A20 and the balance he kept for himself. It was then that Gus brought up Savings, advising Ryan to open a bank savings account. Not knowing how to do this, he asked Merle for advice. The next working day he opened an account in his name at a local bank with a minimum deposit.

The stage was set for Ryan to enter the workforce and begin his career. But of course there were two obstacles to overcome. First, his mother and rebutting any effort by her to take his whole wages and, secondly, to enter night school to finish his Year Twelve and thus gain entry to Uni. The latter only required some paperwork, but the former . . .?"

Once again, Sunday lunch was to be the battleground.

"The chicken tastes real good mum, did you do something special? It's the best I've tasted."

"Yes, I saw a recipe calling for the chook to be marinated in sweet sherry for about an hour before cooking. I must agree with you, it's a success."

"Didn't know we had any sherry, where did you get it?"

"Well luckily I didn't have to buy any Bill, I found some in mum's room and . . ."

"WHAT! Don't tell me you stole my sherry Clare. That's mine! How dare you! You know that's the only pleasure I have is a glass of sherry before lunch. You went and stole some without asking me. That's the meanest thing a daughter could do to her mother. For that you'll buy me another bottle; good quality too, not the crap you find at these plonk shops."

"From the number of empty bottles I have to throw out, you have more than one glass of sherry. You got to be careful mum and don't put yourself in danger of becoming an alcoholic."

"Me, an alcoholic? Piffle! That's ridiculous, I'm upset you'd even think that let alone say it."

"Well, I'm just warning you that's all. You've got to be careful . . ."

"Hey Nan, when I gets me first wages I'll buy you a really good bottle of sherry. You'll have to come with me but, don't think they'll sell plonk to a kid like me."

"Oh that's nice of you Ryan to say that. Of course . . ."

"And that's what I want to talk to you about Ryan, your wages. Until you know how to handle money, I think it best for you to give me all your money and I'll let you have an allowance for lunches, fares, and drinks. I'll work out what's fair, so you don't have to worry about it."

"I'm not and I won't. I'll give you twenty dollars out of me wages to cover board and food. It's all been set. I've even got a bank account to save part of me earnings."

" _(Raising her voice)_ Twenty dollars! You think twenty dollars is going to cover your rent, food, clothing, and other upkeep? Absolute nonsense! You, give me all your wages and I'll, decide how much you get back. And as for a savings account, I can't allow you to hoard your money while the family goes without. No, no, and no. It's non-negotiable."

"Clare Sealby you astound me. Never thought the day would come when a daughter of mine would rip off her own child. You should be proud of him. He's got a job, he's starting to save, he's giving you upkeep money, and he's enrolling in night school to finish his education. Ryan, I'm proud of you even if your mother isn't."

"Yeah me-too son, I'm impressed. You went and did all that by yourself? Few kids your age would have the drive to do all that by themselves. How about this, when I land a permanent job, I'll give your mother your twenty dollars and you keep the whole lot of your wages. That's a promise. Before you get nasty Clare, I've already got several offers I'm considering so I hope to be back in full employment soon."

"Oh you will, will you. I just won't hold my breath about that. Once again you're all ganging up on me. I've a mind to let someone else look after the finances if I can't get enough money to keep us from going bankrupt. There, that's what I'll do . . .go on strike and let someone else have the worry, spend the time, and try and keep the creditors at bay. See there!"

"Mum, I'm good with numbers, perhaps I could . . ."

"No! You're too young to understand what's involved. Maybe we could talk about it in a few years' time. Anyone else?"

"Well, I've got time. If you show me what to do, I'm . . ."

"You're too old mother. It's stressful looking after money matters and I wouldn't want you to get upset. No, it wouldn't do."

"Well, that leaves only me and I'm not good at numbers. I'm a plumber for god's sake. You know I'm bad with paper work."

"Well, there you go, no-one can do what I'm doing with family finances. You either give me what I need, or I'll resign."

"You're blackmailing us, your own family. If that's what you want, Ryan and I can look after the money. I don't believe it's too hard and I think I'll enjoy it. Give me something to do with my time. What do you think grandson, care to give it a try with me?"

"Now see here, I've got no intention of giving up looking after the family's money. If I evert . . ."

"But you just said you're going to resign, and I just said I'll look after . . ."

"( _Quickly_ ) Here again everyone's ganging up on me, forcing me to give up the responsibility . . ."

"( _Disgusted_ ) Oh for heaven's sake daughter you're all over the place. First you said you'd go on strike, then you want to resign and now you're whinging about being forced to give up the family finances. You need to see a shrink."

"( _Crying_ ) How could you? ( _sob_ ) how could you suggest your own daughter is crazy _(further sobbing)_ That's disgusting. If you only knew the torment . . ."

And so Sunday lunch went the way of all Sunday lunches with Clare Seaton whinging and using emotional blackmail.

<><><><>

### 12.3

Ryan's job at the chemist was rather dull. He worked in the storeroom putting stock on shelves and reporting any stock running low. His other duty was to take lunch orders and wait whilst they were made up by a local Sandwich shop. He became frustrated by such menial tasks but, what the hell, he was getting paid and that's all he cared. A side benefit was learning the generic names of medicines which may help in his Uni course.

The staff were great; the senior chemist's name was John Harrington and he took Ryan under his care explaining what medicines went with each medical condition. It seemed a happy and supportive group and Ryan had no difficulty fitting in. The other benefit was the hours. He only worked from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. which gave him time in the evening to attend night school.

In quiet moments his thoughts focussed on his final outing with Jim. Even several weeks on, he recalled the meeting with sadness. They arranged to meet one Friday afternoon and go to the movies., because in the darkened theatre they could share a closeness not possible in daylight. They were both under-aged to meet in a pub, so the movies seemed an effective alternative. They met in the Hoyts theatre foyer around 5 p.m. before selecting which movie they'd see. It was a very difficult emotional meeting because they knew this would be the last time they'd see each other for some time.

"Hey!"

"Hey!"

"You look good Jim, thanks for seeing me."

"( _Impatient_ ) Don't be so bloody formal mate, you know how upset I was when you told me about dropping out of school. I was devastated, I still am."

"( _Sombre_ ) Yeah I know, me too. I can't get you outta me thoughts. Every time I think about it I get real sad. It's like I got an empty hole deep inside me. It sucks!"

"Tell me. I'm not ashamed to say I keep pullin' yer undies out and . . . well, at least I know it's you. It's the only memory I gots; well, what won't get censored."

"Yeah, same here. _(long pause as they just looked at each other)_ Ummm, how about we decide on what movie we want, eh?"

They settled on 'The Beast from 20,000 fathoms' an easy-going horror movie that had become very popular. They bought their tickets and tried to sit as far back as they could. During the movie they pressed their knees together and held hands. In the dim atmosphere no one could see them, so they felt safe. All through the movie they squeezed each other's hand at intervals. Neither boy could really recount the story being portrayed on the screen; the deep emotional void consuming their guts dominated all other emotions.

And tears were not very far from the surface.

The movie finished about 7:30 p.m. and they were undecided what to do next. There was an uneasy silence. In those days MacDonald's, Pizza parlours, or coffee lounges did not exist, but they found a Tea Room selling "Floaters". Whilst they waited for their orders it became necessary to talk about the elephant sitting on the table. They silently looked at each other. Jim was the first to speak.

"( _Uncertain_ ) I don't know how to say what I feel Ryan, because since you told me I've been a mess. ( _Hesitantly_ ) I've never felt like this before, err . . . miserable, unhappy, frustrated, sorta down. I've got feelings that I can't explain. Up till you called me I was feeling happy, now I'm feeling miserable. I don't know what to do about it. I can't concentrate, and I've lost my appetite."

"( _Sigh_ ) Yeah, I know what you mean Jimbo. I feel as if someone's socked me in the guts. Several times I've just made it to the toilet before spewing me insides out. One thing I do know . . . I'm gonna miss you, I'm gonna miss you bad. Look we're only sixteen and it's easy to say we don't know our own feelings because we're too young. But I do know . . . I do know that I love you Jim, it's just what I feel. There I said it, and if anyone tells me I'm too young, I'll piss them off. I may only be teenager, but I know how I feel."

Should I tell him about Gus? What with he do . . . get jealous? Don't see any positives in telling about Gus. No, I'll just keep mum for the present. If it ever comes up I'll just downplay our relationship. Yep, that's what I'll do.

"Oh shit thank you, thank you Ryan, I didn't have the guts to say it to you because you may've laughed at me. Like you said I know how I feel . . . and it's rotten because I love you too."

"( _Emotional_ ) It's all my fault. If I had've stayed at school we'd had time to sort through our emotions and, together, work out what we want to do. As it is . . ."

"( _Hastily_ ) NO! no. It's not your fault. Don't even think that. You didn't decide to leave school, your parents did that, so don't point the finger at yourself mate. I don't know what went on, but I know you're just as upset at leaving school as I am. The issue now is what can we do about it?"

"I can't answer that specifically, but I do know I don't want to lose you. I'm in love with you Jimbo, for the first time in my young life . . . I'm in love, and I was feeling great until . . ."

Just then their dinner was served, and they sat back, still looking at each other, as the meals were served. Silently they just picked at their food, their appetite lost.

"I don't know why I ordered this Ryan, 'cause I'm not hungry. Bloody waste of money."

"Yeah I know. At home I haveta force meself to eat or the oldies might get suspicious. You know, I'm more thirsty, wonder if they have milkshakes?"

And they did. So the boys ordered 'shakes, chocolate for Ryan, vanilla for Jim.

"I've been going over our options Jim, and I don't come up with much. Point is we don't have anybody to ask do we? Parents are out, church parsons are definitely out, and I don't know if there are any counsellors anywhere who could help. We're on our own Jimbo . . . all alone."

"Ok, been thinking about how we can keep in touch and I only come up with writing, phone calls, outings such as camping, and regular days out such as now. ( _Ryan nodded)_ But none of those satisfies me. I . . .I gotta be frank mate, I want to be with you, really be with you. You know what I'm talking about ( _again Ryan nodded_ ). Sometimes I ache to hold you, to feel you, and . . . god forgive me boyo, but I want to be inside you. ( _flushing strongly)_ There I've said it. I dream about having you, really having you; I haveta finish meself off to relieve the pressure. Wow!"

"Oh gawd, don't you think I haven't been dreaming about the same Jimbo? Look, I want you to fuck me until me eyeballs pop out . . . no, that's a bit crude, what I mean is I'd love to have you inside me. I want to share my whole body with you mate, I want to give myself completely. With me mate Tommo, we shared our blood and became blood brothers. That was Ok but now I want more, much more. SHIT!"

"( _Sigh_ ) Yeah shit! But It's not gonna happen is it? I don't know how we can make it happen."

Several seconds ticked by as the two young lads just longingly stared at each other. Under the table they jostled with their feet. Soon raw emotion took over and both started to tear up. They were frustrated and because they had no way of consummating their desire, it made their pain unbearable. There was no way out.

As their silent longing continued Ryan grabbed Jim's hand and squeezed it, not caring about any witnesses.

"We'll find away mate, as the bard says, 'where there's a will there's a way' and I know we'll find it somehow. Just thinking about having you inside me motivates me to break some eggs."

"( _laughing_ ) Hey I like that . . . ( _pause_ ) you know I'd never hurt you Ryan, I'd be very slow so's you're comfortable and if you . . ."

"Shut yer mouth lover-boy, I've got a raging stiffie and me balls are turning blue. Shut up!"

" _(Laughing out loud)_ Yeah, me too. Guess we'd better talk about something else, eh?"

So they talked about general things; Ryan's job, his night school, his mother's attempt to get his wages and the current cricket tests. They talked until the time came to say goodbye. Ryan followed Jim to a local railway station and waited with him until Jim's train started slowing to a stop.

Then they hugged, and hugged, and hugged, whilst whispering 'I love you' over and over. Then Jim was gone. All that was left were tears.

# Chapter Thirteen

### 13.1

"Well done lad. Your time is excellent, considerably under the five minutes over 200 yards you need to qualify for the SRC (Surf Rescue Certificate). You're a bloody good swimmer Ryan, I reckon you didn't even extend yourself eh?"

"Thanks Mr Pearson, I love swimming and it's a bonus that I'm ok as a swimmer. At school I had a choice of either swimming or athletics and, for several reasons, I choose athletics. Yeah, I coulda kept going it's no big deal. Pity we don't have to qualify in strong surf conditions, after all that's what we're doing this for ain't it, I mean to rescue people in rough surf conditions."

"( _Laughing_ ) First time a cadet has asked for a tougher swim test. At this level we just want to make sure of your swimming ability. After this you go on to the Bronze Medallion which is a lot tougher. But right now let's just concentrate on the SRC. Having passed the physical test you still have to pass examination in Rescue techniques, CPR, and first aid. We'll do that next Saturday. Now off you go, there's a great surf running . If you're like me, can't wait to get out there."

It was the height of summer and Ryan, as a cadet, was qualifying for the certificate which would allow him to rescue swimmers in trouble. Having easily qualified in the swim test, he went on to pass the other exams and thus became an accredited Surf Rescuer. Everyone in the Freshwater Club took surf-lifesaving seriously. It was a strenuous and demanding process because saving lives required professional expertise and dedication.

Now, as he looked at the yellow sand, the blue-green-white breaking waves, and cloudless blue sky, it was easy to put Jim out of his thoughts, if only for a moment. Ryan at sixteen, coming up to his seventeenth birthday, was a striking lad. The sun had bleached his hair blond and tanned his skin a lustrous deep brown. Gone were all the signs of early pubescence, he was muscled and extremely fit. In addition, athletics and swim training had developed eye-catching muscled legs.

That's the physical part. The other Ryan, the emotionally crushed youth, lurked never far away.

But for now, the joy of cool water together with the exhilaration of body surfing waves to the shore was all a young boy needed –particularly a young gay boy needed. But an elephant always surfed beside him.

He was good-looking, not in a pretty male way, but in what could be described as 'handsome'. The social life of a lifesaver was hectic and demanding. Joining in the often binge drinking so prevalent in surf clubs, he developed a reputation as 'one of the lads'. Young girls and even some older women lusted after him. With Bluey and Geoff, they formed a happy threesome, notorious for pranks and hijinks.

Of course, popularity brought despair. The talk always centred around girls; which ones would 'put out', meaning indulge in sex, and those who were 'prick teasers', meaning they flirted without offering sex.

On this beautiful fine sunny day in summer, the three lads were sitting in the LifeSavers enclosure next to the duty life guard's elevated seat. They were 'on call' should any swimmer get into difficulties. The life guard seat was about three meters off the ground, giving a great view of the beach and designated swimming area. Surfing conditions were ideal with just a small surf running.

"Hey Bluey, how'd ya go with that Nancy sheila? Did she come across for ya?"

"Nah Geoff, seems she's saving herself for her wedding night. Well, that's what she told me. Anyway, she's too emotional for my liking . . . all I want is a fuck, not a commitment. These bloody sheilas don't half have themselves on, do they? Why we haveta buy them stuff, take 'em to dinner, and give flowers, when all we want is a quickie, beats me. What about you Ryan found someone to fuck yet?"

"Nope."

"Why not? You're the best looking outta the three of us, you should have em lined up with tongues hanging out."

"Probably 'cause I refuse to entice 'em with flowers and stuff. Like you said Bluey, all I want is a hole t'fuck and drain me balls. Seems I'm not very romantic; some of 'em reckon I'm a bastard. As for making a commitment, I've gotta finish me Leaving Certificate and then Vet school before I think about getting' hitched."

"Gotta admire you mate, I mean committing yerself to night school and all that study. Yer missing all the fun . . . and talkin' about fun, who the fuck is that sheila there in the white bikini. She's hot!"

Two pairs of eyes swung in the direction Bluey indicated. One pair blazed with lust, whilst the other, mild curiosity. The subject of this attention was indeed attractive. No older than seventeen, she sported a tiny bikini that allowed for an expanse of gleaming, tanned, and youthful female skin. She was indeed beautiful, and she knew it. Geoff and Bluey were rapt, Ryan playacted accordingly. However, his attention was really fixed on the young bloke manning the lifeguard chair. The sight of those tanned muscly legs was driving him crazy; in fact, the distraction of the 'bikini babe' was a relief because all attention was on her. Ryan's lustful perving went unnoticed.

Keeping the young man in his vision range, he enjoyed the antics of his two friends. They were literally falling over themselves to attract the female seductress. The young lady in question, pranced, swayed, and preened herself knowing that lusting male eyes were focussed on her. Ryan enjoyed watching his two strong mates vanquished by an attractive female.

_Just look at the bastards, they're falling over themselves with lust. No,. . . more like making bloody fools of themselves_.

Just then the life-guard changed position and treated Ryan to a display of rippling muscles.

_He's a senior but only_ looks about coupla years older than me _._ God, _he's beautiful. Image having his hard cock in me mouth and watch him writhe with pleasure. Shit, I'm getting hard; nothing to worry about, the boys I'll think I'm lusting after that young sheila . . ._

Then came the cry that every Australian living near a surfing coast dreaded,

"SHARK!, SHARK! Get the people outta the water. QUICK! Ring the bell, NOW!"

It took a few nanoseconds for the alarm to register, then Geoff reacted and started ringing the alarm bell in the enclosure. Spurred on by fear, Ryan, Bluey and the rest of the on-call lifesavers rushed down to the water's edge shouting,

"SHARK! . . . SHARK! . . . SHARK! GET OUTTA THE WATER. QUICKLY, QUICKLY. HURRY." Then repeating the warning as loud as they could by using bullhorns.

The swimmers responded frantically. Those close in shore pushed as fast as they could to reach the beach. Others further out began to swim wildly to where they could stand up. Within minutes the peaceful beach scene became a melee of struggling humanity. In everyone's mind was an image of those frightening, terrifying teeth. Further down the beach the surf rescue boat launched, not to rescue people but to try and chase the vicious animal away. None of the folks in the water were aware of this as they struggled to get out of danger. There is no fear like the prospect of being taken by a shark. Even though shark attacks are not numerous, it's the fear of shark attack that pervades people . Conservationists and animal rights groups just fail to get that, while shark attacks may be infrequent, the fear of sharks is on-going and eternal.

With Geoff still ringing the bell, a loudspeaker from the club house also urged swimmers to get to safety. Ryan, Bluey and several other on-duty Life guards on the water's edge used their amplifiers to yell at people to hurry. Ryan placed himself on the left edge of the flagged surfing zone to ensure no one strayed out of the designated area which was the quickest escape to the beach. That was when he noticed the straggler.

He could tell the person was a male of indeterminate age and, clearly, he was in trouble. As any life saver will tell, it's easier to head straight for the beach, than swim across waves to another area. Heading to the beach has a superior advantage in that you can catch waves to the beach and thus hasten the exit, but swimming across waves quickly drains strength. The swimmer in question was striving to swim back to the safe zone going across the waves, and Ryan quickly reckoned his strength was waning.

Instinct took over, and he did something without thinking about consequences. Afterwards, when asked why, he simply said it was on impulse.

He jumped into the water and quickly headed out to the swimmer in difficulties. The shoreward-bound waves were strong, but Ryan revelled in these conditions. Once through the first line of breakers he swam powerfully to the troubled fellow. Surf swimming is different to pool swimming in that the head is held up out the water in order to keep the distressed person in view. With powerful strokes he reached the bloke who, by now, was terrified and panicking. As Ryan came within arm's length the man tried to desperately hold onto him. Without training, this could spell disaster for both people.

Sensing trouble, Ryan quickly established contact by applying a half-nelson arm lock placing Ryan behind the man but still leaving an arm free to backstroke to the beach. At the same time he soothed the man by whispering,

"Hey man what's yer name? I'm Ryan." To which the bloke replied,

"( _Panicking_ ) It's Grant, Grant. ( _Gasping_ ) What about the shark? Will we be attacked? I don't wanna be eaten by a shark."

"It's Ok Grant, you're safe now. Just keep still and we'll head for the shore. You're safe. The sharks been chased away, so just relax and I'll get you back to safety."

It was a lie of course, Ryan had no idea of the shark's whereabouts, but wouldn't tell this to his panicked charge. Urging the man to assist by kicking, the two gradually made it back to the beach. Motivation, in the fear of an attack, spurred Ryan to swim as fast as he could in the circumstances. As his feet touched sand Ryan let out a breath of relief but knew there still was danger. Sharks can attack in waist-deep water.

Eventually they made it to the water's edge where paramedics awaited. They stretchered Grant to the first-aid station and treated him for exhaustion. He recovered quickly, and after some tests they released him. Grant's first action was to locate Ryan.

People gathered around congratulating Ryan who found the attention embarrassing. Geoff and Bluey promised an unending supply of grog whilst other life-savers treated him with respect. Magically, a camera appeared and took photos of Ryan by himself and with club members. Then one of the seniors, Tony Gordon, came up and enthusiastically congratulated Ryan.

"You're a hero boyo, ( _laughing_ ) what made you do a risky, stupid act like that?

Since becoming a lifesaver Ryan developed a crush on one of the leading senior lifeguards at Freshwater. Tony Gordon at twenty-six turned out to be the man of his dreams. Tall, muscled, and bronzed, he looked like a poster boy for the ultimate Aussie male. His hair was dark, almost black, with a deep all over tan. To Ryan the short black hairs covering most of his muscled frame added to his raw appeal. A handsome man to look at, he only had one flaw – being married. Much of Ryan's seed had been emptied mentally focussing on an image of Tony Gordon. Now his hero's big hands were pumping Ryan's smaller hands whilst offering sincere congratulations. The masculine aroma, the muscled chest, the sweat droplets inflamed Ryan's lust. Just being this close to 'the man' had his cock becoming naughty. Eventually, he was able to answer his hero.

"I ain't no hero Mr Gordon, ( _smiling_ ) I might be a bit stupid though. Didn't think about what I did."

"Where d'yer get off calling me 'Mr Gordon'? It's Tony please. No, you're not stupid and it was a very brave thing you did. I'm . . . we're all proud of you. What time d'ya come off duty?"

"Umm, another hour M . . . err, Tony."

"Good I'm in the clubhouse. I'd like you to come looking for me before you go home. Ok?"

"( _Excited_ ) Really? Yeah, I'd like that."

Oh shit I hope I didn't sound too eager. He might think I'm a poofter or sumthin."

Just then his patient Grant caught up with him and profusely offered thanks. Ryan became modest, much to the amusement of Tony Gordon and others looking on.

The beach stayed closed for another hour until the surf boat indicated the animal had moved on to other waters. Naturally a warning went out to surrounding clubs that a shark had been sighted.

The beach re-opened just as Ryan's period of duty ended. As Bluey and Geoff's time also finished, it was usual for them to cadge booze up at the clubhouse from friendly older men. At Surf Lifesaving clubs, cadet lifesavers enjoyed the same drinking facilities as did older men. Because of their dedication, the legal drinking age didn't matter. Of course, younger members were watched to ensure they didn't become legless.

When the three boys entered the rooms, everyone rushed to congratulate Ryan. In a flash, he had a bottle of beer thrust into his hands and urged to 'bottom' it. Just as he finished his first bottle, Tony Gordon beckoned him over.

With a pounding heart and alcohol infused blood, he quickly made his way over to where Tony stood talking to some older club members,

"( _Introducing_ ) Hey everybody this is the kid who made that brave rescue; ( _laughing_ ) I see the boys ain't wasted no time in feeding you booze. C'mon I want to chat, so let's go find a private corner."

"Am I in trouble Tony? ( _belching_ ) . . . umm sorry, I drank too quickly."

God look at his chest, muscled, hairy, and tanned. Those nipples, what wouldn't I give to suckle them. He's like a Greek god . . . I mean, just sitting there exuding masculinity. If'n he were to put his arms around me I'd die. I can smell him, that sorta sour, sweaty macho aroma . . . I love it. I can do things that'll have him writhing in ecstasy, things I bet his wife would never do. God to lift his legs up and taste him! Oh shit, I'm getting' a stiffie again.

"In trouble? No, of course not! Yer a hero laddie. No just want to talk about yer future; I mean you passed the Surf Rescue Certificate easy, and now I assume you've got sights set on the Bronze Medallion?"

"Yeah Tony I am, but I've been told it's a lot harder than the SRC, I mean the Bronze covers a lot more technical stuff that I have to learn. It's gonna be hard on me 'cause I'm also going to night school to qualify for Uni. But, don't worry, I'll get it done and pass."

"( _Serious_ ) I've no doubt, no doubt at all. I know about yer other study commitments and that's why I want to offer my help. I'd like to tutor you for the Bronze If you'll agree."

Ryan's heart began to pump wildly at the prospect of spending close time with the big spunk.

"( _Exuberantly_ ) Agree? Agree? I'm over the hill. You'll actually spend time on me? That's . . . that's . . . that's fantastic! Oh man, I'm . . . I'm humbled. You can't imagine what this means for me . . . I . . . I can't thank you enough."

"( _Laughing_ ) I'm a hard taskmaster, boyo, perhaps you won't be thanking me when I start getting heavy with you. Oh by the way, I can also help with your school studies too. If you get stuck on anything just ask and I'll try and get answers for you. I want you to know I'm gonna enjoy this very much because I'm a school teacher by profession."

"You are? Wow, terrific! I didn't know that. I . . . I . . . don't know what to say. I'm . . . I'm just thrilled. _(A thought crossed his mind)_ Err, what about your wife won't she get pissed off having a kid around ya?"

"It's none of her business. Anyway, I wasn't thinking about tutoring you at home but rather at the local library. We might alternate to my home at times but still, she'll just haveta grin and bear it. Not a problem so don't think about it."

"Tony, you don't know how much this means to me. I'm gob-smacked. _(Becoming serious)_ How can I pay you? I wouldn't want to take up yer time without paying for it."

"Nonsense boyo, I don't want anything at all. No money, no gifts, and ( _laughing_ ) no flowers. No, just to help you get through these difficult years and go on to Uni is all the reward I need. So, what's the best time for us to get together; I assume it'll be on a weekend?"

"Yeah, I'm attending night school four nights a week now, so weekends would be my preference. But it's up to you mate _(shit! Am I being too familiar?)_ What times best for you?"

"As you said, the weekends works best. During summer I'm tied up here most Sundays, so Saturday arvo works best for me. Let's say next Saturday at the library around two o'clock. How's that sound?"

"Great! _(I'll haveta explain this to Gus, but I'm sure he won't mind)_ I'll be there, and . . . thanks, Tony, I can't tell you how thrilled I am because . . . oh shit! I forgot to ask if you've got kids. I mean I don't want you not spending time with yer kids because of me."

"Nah, no young'uns. My wife isn't into kids, says they'll interfere with her career. No, it'll be just you and I. Now, ( _laughing_ ) to more serious matters –yer booze's empty so we both need a top up. ( _Pause, thinking_ ) Oh, I forgot, think about what school subjects yer most weak in and let me know Saturday. That way I can set out a study schedule for us to follow."

Ryan went back to his mates whilst Tony returned to the older group. Curiosity was raging.

"C'mon Ryan, what'd Tony want with ya,? He's a decent cobber and is well liked around the club."

"Hey, he's gonna coach me for the bronze, but that's not all Geoff. Apparently, he's a school teacher and's willing to help me with my Leaving Certificate. He just blew me away he did."

"You lucky bastard. Well, I suppose it's a reward for what you did today, eh."

"I don't know Bluey, he didn't say much, except . . . except . . ."

"Except what? C'mon out with it. What else did he say?"

"Just ummm . . . the subject of kids came up and he said his missus didn't want any. Seems a bit odd eh? I mean every sheila I've known always wanted lots of kids. Why would his old lady not want kids? Weird."

"Dunno. I hear she's not real popular around the other wives. Takes all types I suppose. Anyway, fuck her. What else did Tony say?"

"That's about it Bluey. He just said he'd look forward to coaching me. Maybe, I'm the son he can never have."

"Bullshit. He's only about nine years older than you. To look on you as a son is really weird. Nah, must be sumthin else why he's keen to help. Anyway, I'm glad yer gonna get help because yer gotta load of shit on yer back with night school and such. It's all good, I'm pleased for ya."

'Alright you two, there's great waves to catch and I'm not gonna waist a good day. Who's commin'?"

"You sure Geoff? I heard tell the shark was a great white and hungry."

"Fuck off!"

<><><><>

### 13.2

The following Monday the local newspaper carried a photo of Ryan front page, with a splash about him rescuing the swimmer. People called and offered congratulations, but somehow Clare Seaton managed to take a large share of the credit. So impressed was Merle, she went out and purchased a tee shirt with 'SHARK ATTACK' plastered over the front in red ink.

On Tuesday a note appeared in the letter box addressed to Ryan. Thinking it was just another well-wisher, Ryan opened it to find a congratulatory message from Gus. Feeling guilty he resolved to see Gus the next Saturday morning. It would be good to relieve some sexual pressure before meeting Tony in the afternoon. Each night his dreams centred around Tony and his sexy body. He knew it was pointless, Tony being not only straight but married. Still, a little fantasy never did any harm. Never far from his conscious thoughts, Tommo's entreaty always brought him back to reality.

He realized how important Tony had become, particularly coaching for the Uni exam, so he wasn't going to do anything to jeopardize the relationship. His ongoing trysts with Gus always satisfied any physical needs so, after the debacle of dropping out of school, his life settled into a pleasant routine. Still, he eagerly anticipated the forthcoming coaching by Tony. Saturday could not come fast enough. First Gus then Tony.

True to his word he knocked on Gus's caravan around eleven a.m. on Saturday morning. Gus threw his arms open wide and hugged him fiercely whilst scolding,

"You bloody idiot! You coulda been eaten alive by that monster. I actually got angry with you boyo. Why did you do something so stupid?"

"Oh, and hello to you too Gus, it's good to see you."

"Don't give me that crap. That might've been a brave thing to do but . . . but, you could have been killed. Anyway . . . yeah, anyway it's good to see you, IN ONE PIECE!"

"Truth is I just didn't think. They say heroes aren't brave just stupid, and I haveta agree. Every time I think about what I did I get sweaty. You've got every right to be cross with me. Enjoy."

"Oh come here, little one. I'm just mad because the thought of you being chewed up by that monster scares the tits off me. I don't know what I'd do without you. I don't mean sexually, I mean because you occupy a very large piece of me heart. You copy?"

"Yeah, me too, yer really special Gus, it's hard to put a word on it but I look forward to seeing you. Not only because . . ."

"That's Ok. Now, are you ready for punishment?"

"Punishment? What you talkin' about?"

"Punishment because you did a stupid thing and worried the shit outta me. I can't let you off boyo, you do sumthin stupid, you have to face the consequences."

"What punishment? What consequences? What're you gonna do?"

"Stand there and take off yer shirt."

"What?"

"I said, stand there and take off yer shirt."

Confused, Ryan slowly slid his tee shirt off exposing his youthful chest. Gus 'clucked' in appreciation.

"Man you're beautiful boyo. Those wide brown shoulders and six-pack tummy muscles I could look at all day, but for now, take off yer shoes."

Still mystified, Ryan quickly shucked off his sandals and stood bare chested and barefoot in front of Gus.

"Hmmm . . . now drop yer pants and underdaks."

"You want me to take everything off? I think you're being naughty mister, I believe you want to take advantage of this poor young boy."

The sexual innuendo affected Ryan and his cock became aroused. Hesitantly he undid the belt on his short's and took the garment off . . . all the way off. Now, realizing Gus was enjoying the show, he cheekily lowered his underpants until he stood bare arsed in front of Gus. The older boy just looked ravenously at the young male paraded before him. What a change from the gangly youth of times gone by. No doubt about it . . . Ryan was a spunk!

"Oh my oh my, you look damn good. ( _Hoarsely_ ) OK, now turn around and let me have a gander at yer arse."

So he did. By now his cock dripped with need as he anticipated the unknown. Lusty mutterings from Gus added to the sexually charged atmosphere. Then, recovering his control, Gus sat down and pulled Ryan across his lap. The form of punishment now became obvious, so Ryan pleaded,

"Please don't hurt me, boss, I've been a bad boy but please don't hurt me."

Ignoring the plea, Gus ran a finger up the inside Ryan's leg, not stopping until he reached the boys funky crack.

"( _Gruffly_ ) Are you ready? You know you did wrong, so you have to be punished. Just lie still and take yer punishment."

Wack! "OUCH!"

Gus brought his open hand down smartly on the Ryan's succulent bum. A red welt appeared on the left cheek.

Again, Wack! "Ouch!"

This time targeting the right cheek to leave a reddening streak. The spanking made Ryan more aroused, particularly as his cock was now lodged snugly between Gus's legs. It became erotic, a totally different sensation to anything he'd experienced before. He loved it.

Again, Wack! And wack! And wack! "Whimper, whimper, whimper."

Every stroke invoked pleasure, a pleasure that was both mildly painful and intensely erotic.

Now Gus paused, allowing Ryan to wallow in this new sensation. What troubled Ryan most was a feeling of impending orgasm.

Oh no, no, no, no! Every time he spanks me my cock gets stimulated, and I'm starting to lose control. If he keeps spanking, I'm gonna mess up both of us.

As if sensing Ryan's dilemma, Gus let loose two savage whacks and then gently inserted his finger in the boys anus. Suddenly Ryan cried out in ecstasy and released his juice all over Gus's legs. The combination of pleasure and pain became rapture and a feeling of bliss. But he needed more, he needed penetration . . . he needed Gus. In complete silence, Gus removed his sticky pants and quickly and purposely sank himself deep inside Ryan. Now the lad became satiated as Gus plunged in and out of his body. This is what he enjoyed most.

With every thrust, Gus stroked his Ryan's prostrate, building to another climax. The end came quickly for Gus; he let loose a roar and flooded Ryan's body with warm spunk. Ryan followed soon after.

For some time they lay side by side in companiable silence. Ryan felt drained as if the juice he'd expelled had taken his energy with it. He didn't mind because he felt wonderful. Now spanking, followed by penetration, became something to look forward to.

Lying there beside Gus after a wonderful sex encounter, Ryan felt sorry for Geoff and Bluey.

I watch them both desperately trying to attract females to have . . . what? Maybe a titty feel, or at the most an unsatisfying blow job. Yet here I am having experienced what could only be called, an advanced sexual procedure. To cap it off I'm doing it with someone who treats me gently and no pressure to perform activities I find uncomfortable.

Yep, from this aspect, my life is perfect.

Just then Gus rolled over and prodded Ryan's shoulder.

"Hey, just remembered something I heard the other day that could be useful to us 'queers'' ( _Intrigued, Ryan rolled over and faced Gus_ ) It seems some blokes are having a small 'heart' tattoo painted on their forearms to tell other homos that they're in the same club. I reckon I'm gonna do it to take some of the danger out of declaring yourself as 'one of us'. What d'yer think?"

"Geeze, that's brilliant. Yeah if that catches on it'll save a lot of anxiety and make it safe to approach someone else. But where d'yer go to have a tattoo, I don't know any locally?"

"No, they'd be in town or else in suburbs close to the CBD. You'd have to look in the Yellow Pages. You just might even find someone local."

"There's hearts and there's hearts. What form would the tattoo take?"

"Oh yeah, sorry I forgot to mention that. It's a heart coloured red with an arrow going downwards from right to left. However the main point is where it's placed – on yer right forearm where you'd place a watch. Questions? ( _Afterthought_ ) Oh it don't haveta be red, just sorta on yer right wrist."

"I like it! Wow, thanks fer sharing with me big brother. That'll take most of the danger outta approaching someone, eh?"

"Absolutely. Unless of course the cops catch on and have tattoos to try and trap homos, you know what they're like."

"Yeah that's a point. But us homos won't tell the cops about the recognition tattoo, so I don't reckon they'll find out. The chances of them finding out are really small, don't you agree?"

"Yep, absolutely right."

<><><><>

### 13.3

It felt strange meeting Tony soon after having sex with Gus. He was still in a state of bliss after the last session and knew he had to play a straight face on meeting Tony. If he pranced in all bubbly, he'd be asked what happened and he wasn't a good liar.

At two p.m. he walked into the library to find Tony browsing through shelves looking for books. On spotting Ryan he smiled and indicated a table towards the back. The local library was small and didn't have a plentiful supply of text books.

Tony dressed casually in Khaki shorts and a white tee shirt. The shorts were form hugging and allowed features such as legs and arse to be displayed attractively. The whiteness of the tee shirt complimented his over-all bronzed skin. All in all, even clothed, Tony radiated sex appeal.

"Good, on time, you've just gained some brownie points. I thought I'd let you start by telling me what subjects you're interested in at school. You don't have to do that today. When you get home draw up a list and we'll discuss the subjects next week. For today, let's go over the Bronze Medallion test and see if we can get you up to scratch on that. Before we start how much to you know about the Bronze Medallion?"

"Not a lot. Some of the blokes say it's difficult because it's a mixture of learning theory and practical application. The practical side don't worry me, cause I'm a good swimmer and should be ok. It's the other stuff that I worry about because I'm not good at book learning. This could become a problem if go to Uni where there's bound to be lots of book learning."

"Don't sweat it, I can fix that easily. It may take time, but you'll be Ok. Now where to begin with the bronze Medallion. _(he started rummaging around files in a brief case)_ here, this pamphlet contains the items yer asked to learn and know well, here read."

Ryan took the pamphlet and read:

THE THEORY

You are required to be proficient in:

Safe water practices; survival in the water; self-preservation; recognising an emergency; assessment before and during a rescue; priorities for rescue; CPR theory; acceptance of responsibility; use of bystanders; emergency care and contacting emergency services.

PRACTICAL

  * Resuscitation: Demonstrate effective CPR

  * Swim: Swim 400 metres continuously within 13 minutes. 100m freestyle, 100m breaststroke, 100 m survival backstroke, 100m sidestroke.

  * Timed Tow: Swim 50 metres, then tow a patient 50m within 3 min 15 sec.

  * Survival and Rescue Skills: Demonstrate a range of survival techniques and appropriate rescues for a range of different aquatic environments and scenarios.

  * Spinal Injuries: Basic management of a suspected spinal injury in shallow water.

  * Rescue Initiative: Demonstrate initiative in effecting a rescue of two people who are in difficulty up to 15 metres from safety.

After reading Ryan looked up at Tony and replied;

"The Practical's no problem, I'm sure I can do most of those now. I'll only need a quick brush-up. The first is where I'll need help. Sometimes when I looks at book writings, it just appears as a big blur; I can't seem to break it down to individual words. It's a worry."

"I think you have some attention disorder. It's an issue being confronted by many teachers. We are learning more about the reasons why some students have difficulties and others don't. I'll keep a close eye on you, so don't fret it. If you can tackle a fierce white pointer shark and a panicked surfer, getting your reading fixed is no big deal. Trust me."

That made Ryan laugh; he was warming to Tony and feeling confident he would be a big help with his learning.

"Here's some stuff I pulled from when I studied for the Bronze. The contents are basically the same, so you should have them to read and study, study, study."

With that, Tony passed over exercise books and other printed material on which passages and tracts had been annotated and highlighted. It would be a big help.

"How about you take these home and study during the week when you have time. Bus and Tram travel is a good way for a student to use time efficiently to study. Now I want to get to know you, Ryan. Some questions maybe a bit personal but I'm not prying into yer private life. I simply want to get to know all about Ryan Seaton. OK?"

Oh shit, this is gonna be difficult.

"Yer age is right for the bronze but let me have your birthday just in case _(which Ryan supplied)._ Now from the clubs records yer still living at home with yer mum and dad ( _Ryan nodded_ ). How's that going?"

Deciding that Tony needed to know the truth, Ryan gave a brief outline of difficulties at home. He talked about his mother's unreasonable expectations, his dad and he gradually warming to each other, and the love of his life, his grandmother. It became a sort of catharsis as he talked. Several times he had to choke back sobs, but he found in Tony a very good listener. When he talked about having to leave school and miss out on his dream of becoming a Vet, he had to pause whilst he regained control. He then talked about Tommo and the tragedy surrounding his best friend; he left nothing out, even Tommo's sexual orientation because it was important for Tony to know everything, even the most personal parts.

When finished he leaned back exhausted. Throughout Ryan's discourse, Tony had sat, at first interested then becoming more and more alarmed. He saw a different young lad, much different to the beautiful, cocky, and popular boy outsiders saw. He sensed a damaged soul, a very privately damaged soul. He became galvanised to help, to take him under his wing and try and relieve some pressure.

Leaning forward he paused whilst collecting his thoughts.

"That's a remarkable story, Ryan. I appreciate your honesty and particularly the gut-wrenching part about your friend Tommo. That must've been hard to take. Y'know, as a teacher I see bullying every day and do what I can to stop it. It's hard because they'll always be those who set to dominate and punish those who are different. As you know all bullies are basically cowards and only act when they know there's no hope of any retaliation. Arseholes!"

"Yeah but something should be done, because they cause harm, in some cases fatally. Why can't these creeps be expelled if found guilty of bullying?"

"I agree, but sometimes politics enter the equation and oft they get away with it. Makes my blood boil it does. If someone gets let off in those circumstances I usually try and make their school life hell. I'm just one-person Ryan and not every teacher thinks like me. Sadly it's true. However, I'll continue to do what I can because your story about your mate Tommo touches me deeply. What a waste of a young life. It's so sad and yet so avoidable."

"I'll never forget him, Tony, his parents and I always go and visit his grave on the anniversary of his death. It's not much, but something I need to do."

"And commendable. But you've got to live your life boyo. I mean it's great to remember him but don't forget you have to get on living your life. ( _Ryan nodded)_ Now another matter you mentioned. You don't know why this Cree fellow wants to fight with you. I think you surmised it has something to do with both parents. Am I right? ( _Ryan nodded_ ) Is there any way you can find the truth? Having that issue hanging over your head is not good . . . I'll restate that, it's bloody awful."

"I don't think so, after all, I'm just a kid and ain't got much say in things. Anyway, Cree hasn't been a menace lately, his brother Geoff thinks his mother got to him and told him to ignore his dad and not bully me. My understanding . . ."

"Is that the same Geoff whose one of your close mates?"

"Yeah, me and him are real tight; s'weird ain't it?"

"Sure is. Umm, does Geoff look like his brother, ahh . . ."

"Bert."

"Yeah Bert. Do the brothers look alike, I mean body shape, hair colouring and such?"

"No, not a bit. Geoff takes more after me I suppose. That's probably why Bert Cree hates me I guess."

"Fascinating. Now from what you say, your mother dominates your father and rules the household. Am I right? ( _Ryan nodded)_ Ok, and your Nanna's a staunch Catholic and makes you go to church with her?"

"Yeah, but I go just because I love her and won't do anything to make her unhappy. I know she's gotta die at some point, but I just stick me head in the sand and try not to think about it. Too painful."

"( _Laughing_ ) Yeah, I get it. I loved my grandmother too, I know what it's like to love yer gran. Mine died a few years back and I can't tell you how much pain that gave me. Bloody awful."

"Thanks, but let's not go there."

"Ok. Now, what about girlfriends? A good-looking young bloke like you shouldn't have any problems in that direction eh?"

_Oh shit. This is gonna be hard. I'se gotta be careful. If Tony finds out I'm a homo he'll drop me fer sure. Careful Ryan. But geeze wouldn't it be good,_ to _tell the truth. I'm just sick of lying._

"No, I don't have any now."

"( _Perplexed_ ) Why not?"

"I suppose I' haven't had time, not with workin' and studying. And money, I don't seem to have any spare these days, not after paying board and saving. Tony, I got me heart set on becoming a Vet and won't allow any distractions. Am I weird?"

"( _Thoughtful_ ) No, no of course not. It's just that a young man with your good looks and charm would be out chasing sheilas. Don't you double date and go to the pictures with yer mates? What about parties, you know what goes on at Surf Club do's, lots of boozing and wenching. The sheilas are more into it than us blokes."

'Oh yeah, I've been on double dates and such but with no-one regular. Are you disappointed with me?"

"( _Probing_ ) That's a funny thing to ask. Why should I be disappointed with you? It's not as if having a girlfriend is mandatory for yer Bronze Medallion. I . . . I, I'm just curious, so let's leave it there, eh?"

Oh shit, if he's not disappointed with me he's gotta be suspicious. I can't keep doing this; lying ain't my nature and I'm getting' sick of lying. It just don't feel right. But there again, my promise to Tommo . . ."

"( _Almost appealing_ ) You 'll tell me if yer disappointed Tony? I like and respect ya. If I did or said something to upset you, I'd be shitty with meself. You will tell me if'n I fucked up."

"Settle down Ryan. I know enough about you now to know you'd never disappoint me or for that matter, anybody. You sound defensive about something boychik and I want you to become more accepting of yourself. I . . . I like you, Ryan, I like you very much. I've never said that to any young fella before, but I mean it. I both respect and like you. OK?"

" _(A sigh of relief)_ Wow, thanks fer that. I was worried that you'd think me too weird and drop me. I been real happy that yer gonna coach me, particularly in the Uni entrance exam. I'm gonna be the best Vet this country has ever seen – I promise you. I can't express how grateful I am."

"( _Blushing_ ) Ok, shit ya got me blushing now. Let's get to the pub; I need a drink. Coming?"

And so a strange relationship bloomed. Tony, some years senior, started out in the big brother role. He'd sensed that Ryan needed direction and confidence, something not forthcoming at home. Under Tony's influence, Ryan blossomed. He became more assertive and less withdrawn. Tony also benefited from the relationship, because unbeknown to others, his marriage had become a farce. The fault lay with Tony; he had simply lost interest in the marriage. There were no children to glue the couple together and so they drifted apart. Nothing apparent, they simply emotionally and physically separated.

The only joy for Tony was his sessions with Ryan. More and more he looked forward to being with the young man, and so their relationship subtly changed.

But of course, the elephant grew larger and the memory of Tommo's entreaty never faded.

## Chapter Fourteen

### 14.1

Ryan's life settled into a comfortable routine. For several months now, he'd worked at the chemist and enjoyed his duties as well as the staff. Three nights a week he went to night school and grew confident he'd pass the final Uni entrance exam. Of course, Tony's help allowed him to navigate through difficult subjects and difficult areas.

Following Gus's advice, he researched getting a tattoo but found tattoo parlours scarce and expensive. Improvising, he managed to draw a rough heart outline on his right wrist using indelible ink. This was no mean feat for a right hander. Drawing an arrow took time and colouring the shape red took more time. Nevertheless, he managed to implant a reasonable facsimile of the 'signal' on his right wrist. Now, to sit back and . . ."

As the weeks went by his feelings for Tony changed, morphing into more craving than just physical desire. At night his dreams focused on a naked Tony and lavish sexual encounters. His imaginations centred around the man's aroma, hairy chest, mature muscles, and attractive facial features. Fantasies about penetration always resulted in soiled bed sheets. Then, on wakening, he realized such encounters were just pipedreams and dismissed such thoughts as fanciful imaginings. Tony was a heterosexual and married. Full Stop!

Unbeknown to Ryan, Tony found himself drawn to the youngster. His naivety and enthusiasm impressed Tony so much he eagerly looked forward to each Saturday. They started jogging together and so found a new closeness in their relationship. To onlookers, they appeared as close brothers who just happened to be the two most attractive males in the surf club. Of course, this invoked some jealousy from other club members, and smutty stories abounded.

Then one Saturday morning Ryan received a phone call from an excited Tony asking if he could come around to Ryan's house, because he had something he needed to show him. Intrigued, Ryan anxiously awaited Tony's visit. On arriving, and after introductions to Bill, Clare and Merle, Tony explained,

"I was looking through the job vacancies in the Sydney Morning Herald today - a newspaper covering the State of New South Wales - and found this _(pushing a page in front of him which had been circled at a particular spot),_ it's a job at the University's Vet school."

"( _Impetuously_ ) a job! At the Vet school! What sort of job? Can I see it?"

"Settle down Ryan. How about you read it out for us Tony, my mother-in-law doesn't see too well."

"Sure Mr Seaton . . ."

"Bill, please."

"Sure, thank you, Bill. It says

'A vacancy exists in the Sydney University Veterinary College for a laboratory assistant whose duties would include mixing up medicines; developing x-ray plates; delivering messages and generally assisting the chemist in charge. We are looking for a young man, preferably in his late teens who is keen and bright. The hours are 9 a.m. till 4.30 p.m. The salary will be subject to negotiation but will be bound by minimum union award conditions. Applicants should apply, in writing to (a name and address). We are anxious to have the successful applicant start as soon as possible, so early applications stating scholastic record and references will be favourably considered.'

Ryan couldn't believe it. His heart started pounding and his throat went dry. Bill Seaton was the first to speak.

"That sounds like you son, would you like to have a go?"

"( _Excitedly_ ) Your kidding! I love it. Wow! A job in the Vet school. Just think how much I'll learn about animals and such before studying proper. It's fantastic. Thanks, Tony, yer a great mate, I can't wait to start."

"Woo there, you have to send an application first, then if they like what you say, an interview will follow. I suggest we forego our regular meeting to-day and draft your reply. Ok?"

"Yes, yes, and yes! Umm, how about you draft something to make a start. I . . . I wouldn't know where to start. Please, Tony!"

So Tony made a start and before long, with input from parents and grandmother, an impressive application emerged. Luckily, his grandmother had some spare stamps, so with great delight and fretful anticipation, they posted the letter that afternoon. With the weekend giving the Post Office extra time, the application was sure to be received by Monday. All Ryan (and everyone else) had to do was wait.

Wait! What about Gus? He ought to tell Gus the good news but decided against it because there really wasn't anything to tell. Besides, he'd see Gus next Saturday morning when he was sure to have some news – hopefully, good news. Instead, he looked forward to Sunday morning when Tony and he had scheduled a jog. The physical exercise softened the anxiety of waiting. It was during that jog when Tony threw a 'yorkka' at him. Ryan impatiently believed he would get a response on Monday, but Tony had to point out the Vet School wouldn't get his letter until Monday. That simply meant he shouldn't expect a reply, if he was to get a reply, until Tuesday or Wednesday.

Ahh, the impatience of youth. Ryan couldn't hide his disappointment and Tony, himself anxious, felt sorry for the boy.

So Ryan waited, and waited. Tuesday passed into Wednesday, and no letter. He became sick at heart because logic dictated a successful response would come either Tuesday or Wednesday and an unsuccessful advice would come later in the week. As Thursday dawned, he'd convinced himself his application would be rejected.

And then the letter came.

He went straight from work to night school and so didn't get home until near 10 p.m. An anxious family gathered around the kitchen table upon which the letter stood propped up against a vase. No-one dared touch it, but they gathered in support of Ryan. They all expected bad news. Slowly Ryan opened the envelope and extracted a letter clearly showing the embossed letterhead of the vet school. He started to read, but only got to read the first two lines, before he burst into tears. The family gathered around endeavouring to comfort him until Ryan's voice could be heard saying,

"Yes, Yes, Yes, yes they want to interview me!"

Laughing and hugging, they let Ryan read the letter in full out loud. It seemed they wanted Ryan to come to an interview next Monday at 10 p.m. He had to confirm this by calling a number listed in the letter. His Nanna pointed out this was just an interview it didn't mean he'd got the job. Still Ryan insisted he'd made it to the interview stage so at least he had one foot in the door. Discussions then centred around what to wear and consulting timetables of Public Transport to get to the university. Then his father dropped a bombshell,

"I'll come to the interview because I reckon they'll be more impressed if a parent attends with you. We'll take the car because it's an easy drive to the University; it's just along Parramatta road."

Ryan looked at his father and tears began to form. That his dad would put himself out like this was unexpected and treasured. He just hugged and thanked him profusely. Even Merle had a respectful look in her eyes.

That night he didn't get much sleep, he just tossed and turned with anticipation. Monday seemed a long way away. Should he tell Gus the good news? What good news? After all it was just an interview, not a job offer. Better to tell Gus when – or if – he'd been successful. No, he'd surely know after Monday, and certainly by the following weekend, if the job was his. Of course, he'd see Tony on Saturday and bring him up to date.

That settled that.

So on the Monday, father and son sat outside the nominated office, taking in the atmosphere and smells of the Veterinary College. They'd arrived fifteen minutes early both suffering from anxiety.

Just after 10 a.m. the waiting ended when a young woman ushered them into the presence of the Chief Chemist.

Forty-five minutes later, Ryan had a new job. He agreed to start the following Monday at 9 a.m. as assistant to the Chief Chemist Mr Ray Higgins. What impressed this worthy most was that his father accompanied the lad to the interview.

All the way home, father and son sang, shouted, yelled at other cars, and laughed, and laughed, and, . . . shed some tears.

A new phase of Ryan's life had begun.

<><><><>

### 14.2

Ryan found it difficult giving notice to Mr Harrington at the chemist.. He'd always be grateful for giving him his first job and he felt like he was doing something wrong. But when he explained, the boss congratulated him and wished him well. His fellow workers bought a big squishy cream cake on the Friday as a going away present, so with well wishes following him, he looked forward to the new job.

Bubbling with his good news Ryan raced over to Gus's caravan mid-morning on the Saturday before he started his new job. Surprisingly, Gus wasn't home, but Ryan reasoned he might be shopping or stayed over elsewhere. After all they weren't exclusive. Gus had a healthy sex drive, so it didn't surprise Ryan he had dalliances elsewhere. The good news could wait.

He and Tony spent the afternoon discussing Ryan's new job. Or rather Ryan bubbled whilst Tony listened.

"Geeze, I can't wait Tony. The Vet school's real big and I could hear the animals out the back. Seems they have a supply of medicines kept in stock and one of me tasks is to keep the jars full."

"What sort of medicines do you have to make up?"

"Would you believe zinc creme, cough medicine and others I can't remember names for. Nothing involving heavy drugs or other harmful stuff. But best of all, I have to develop x-rays and make sure they're ready for inspection. I bet they'll be other stuff to do when I get more experienced."

"Wow, that's impressive. Why don't you keep a notebook and write down anything you think will help you later on. Sort of a diary I guess."

"Hey, a terrific idea. ( _sombrely_ ) I can't thank you enough Tony. If you hadn't seen the job advert I wouldn't be as happy as I am now. I'll try and make up to you somehow."

"Don't fret it. Just seeing you happy is good enough for me. I gather yer dad being with you helped heaps."

"Yeah, Mr Higgins was impressed. He said few parents would take the time to accompany a child to something as mundane as an interview. Also, me dad and he got on well. Apparently Mr Higgin's son is learning a plumbing trade."

"Ok, just you keep me posted boyo. I want to know everything. I feel like it's my job too. Now, let's start with the books where we left off . . ."

"Awe . . ."

"( _Laughing_ ) Yes, I agree. The surf's looking good, so how about we be truants for today. I can't wait to get out there. Coming?"

For two hours they surfed and competed to see who could ride a wave longer. Being more experienced Tony always won but Ryan was fast catching up. Afterwards they stretched out in the life-guard enclosure and soaked up some sun. As he devoured Tony's body Ryan couldn't wait to get home, so he could relieve some pressure on his balls.

It was so frustrating. To have this beautiful sexy man so close and untouchable was painful. He had to keep reminding himself that Tony was a heterosexual and worst of all, married. Strange, Tony hadn't introduced Ryan to his wife. He'd seen her of course at Surf Club functions, but apart from that he knew nothing. Tony didn't even talk about her . . . ummm, what's her name? . . . so Ryan surmised the marriage wasn't happy.

If only the harpy would get swallowed up by a big white pointer . . . "

Perhaps it was just the aftermath of Ryan's new job, perhaps it was the sun streaming down, perhaps it was just two lonely souls needing companionship, perhaps it was the cleansing waves washing over their bodies, or perhaps it was just two young men who liked each other. In any event, when the sun set they resumed their camaraderie up in the Surf Clubhouse with icy cold bottles of beer.

The Surf Club House had two stories. The ground level accommodated storage for the Surf boats and long boards, as well as a first aid station, a change room, and showers. The large upper level hosted functions as well as admin stuff. This is also where a general watch surveyed the beach and surf conditions. Outside the function area, a broad veranda provided a social area where members boozed and generally relaxed. Usually, members joined together in large circles of pissed and always rowdy males. Females were not welcomed.

On this day, however, Ryan and Tony sat by themselves looking out at the beautiful beach and blue-white waves. For some reason, they sought solace and quietly drank beer. After consuming several bottles, Ryan became bold.

"You interrogated me about girlfriends but what about you. I never hear you talking about yer wife. Shit man, I don't even know her name. Why the mystery?"

"No mystery, and her names Paula. Yeah, I don't do I? I mean, ummm, talk about our marriage?"

"Look, man, if I'm getting too personal just tell me to piss off. I know some private stuff can be hurtful and don't bear talkin' about. It's just that yer me best mate and you've helped me so much, I want to do something to help you, if possible. I'd never betray yer confidence, I hopes yer knows that."

"( _Becoming thoughtful)_ To anybody else I'd say piss off, but I trust you Ryan and frankly, yes, I would like to talk about me and Paula."

Ryan stayed quiet whilst he watched this beautiful man go through personal torment.

"The problem is we married too young. I got hitched at nineteen, just when she turned eighteen. We thought we were in love, but it soon showed we really didn't have much feeling for each other. I don't know why, but she couldn't get pregnant, so without anything binding us together, we drifted apart. Of course, me being a school teacher on a basic salary didn't help. Paula likes the high life, you know parties, restaurants, good clothes, and such, whereas I'm just sorta basic. A few beers with me mates and a quiet home life is all I've ever wanted. I like movies, she doesn't; I love the beach; she doesn't; I love going for walks, she doesn't; I enjoy watching a footy match, she doesn't; and I like playing cards with me mates, and of course she doesn't. Not too good eh?"

"Yeah, I'm just a kid but it don't sound good. _(Long pause_ ) Tony d'yer reckon yer lonely?"

"( _Punching Ryan softly on his shoulder)_ Mate you're far from being just a kid; and to answer your question, which is very perceptive, yes I'm lonely, that's why I value your friendship, boyo."

"There have been times in me life I've had to unload troubles. That's why Tommo and I were so close, we knew each other's shit. That's what I miss the most Tony, the closeness of having a best mate .We're only human and there are times ya needs to unload yer crap. We were blood brothers ya know."

"Ok, now that's sad, I mean losing someone so close. I mean I understand why you were so upset. I hope you can see me as good a mate as you had with Tommo. I hope so."

"You gotta be kidding. I'd do anything for you Tony, anything at all. I hope you know that. ( _Tony nodded thanks_ ) But look we were talking about you. Do ya get to talk to yer wife much? I mean, tell her that yer lonely?"

"( _Hesitantly_ ) Nah . . . seems we never get together on a personal level. And to forestall your question, sex is just a memory; for me, at least. I don't know about her, I guess she's getting' it elsewhere."

"Don't that bother you, I mean thinking some other shitface is. .?"

"It should but it doesn't. That's how far we've moved apart. I don't care if someone else is ploughing the field. There, I've said it."

They remained silent for several moments. Ryan tried to get his head around what Tony just said.

"Shit, that's real shitty. I want to help Tony; how can I help. Tell me how I can help. I'm totally there for you."

"I know that, and I don't take our friendship lightly. You're the best thing that's happened to me in a long, long time. Whilst I'm helping you, I'm also helping myself. ( _Sombrely_ ) Don't ask me to explain that."

And Ryan didn't, because both men sensed they'd become glued together and explanations weren't necessary.

It just felt good.

<><><><>

### 14.3

Getting from his home to the Vet College didn't worry Ryan at all. The first two legs were exactly as he'd travelled to Grammar School. The last leg, in a bus, was just a little longer.

His first day, like starting every new job, became a confusing mixture of faces, smells, names, and instructions. He loved it. By Wednesday the confusion abated, and he settled in to the daily routine. One of his daily duties required him to take lunch orders and deliver them back to the staff. The first time he did this, it appalled him to learn the people were doing an autopsy on a horse. When he entered the room, they were wearing gum boots and all around them were intestines and other contents of the horse's carcase. The smell hit him like a sledgehammer and he almost lost his breakfast. Nothing fazed the others however, and they contentedly started eating their lunch, ignoring the smell and sight of a butchered horse.

Surprisingly, he simply got used to the smell and put it down to furthering his education. Of course he derived great joy in telling his parents about the smell and sight of steaming intestines.

On the Wednesday night he arrived home about ten, hungry and tired.

"Hey mum, where's me dinner, I'm starved . . . gawd, what's wrong?"

Clare's face was livid and twisted into a mask of hatred.

"Have a look at the notice in this morning's Manly Daily paper. Here, your gran's highlighted it."

Ryan read,

Man charged with Gross Indecent Behaviour

Angus Perkins, 23 years old, a postal employee, was found guilty of soliciting sex at Belmore Park, a well know haunt for homosexuals. His address is a Caravan Park near the Manly Dam. Neighbours reported frequent visits by under-age boys which is, by itself, a serious separate offence. A custodial sentence of no less than ten years has been imposed.

Ryan froze. He could hardly believe his eyes. His thoughts were chaotic.

Oh my god, Gus charged and sentenced to ten years in jail. What happened? It must have been a trap. And shit, the reference to young boys could only mean me. Fuck, fuck, fuck! What am I gonna do? Did Gus tell them my name? I'm dead!

Over all his mother ranted.

"See, I told you to be careful. These evil monsters pray on young children and force them to indulge in heinous acts. And he was our postman. Your Grandmother often talked to him because he seemed nice. NICE! These monsters cloak themselves in pleasantness, hiding their true evil intent. Remember, I told you to be careful of anyone trying to be friendly, well I'm right aren't I? Let this be a lesson."

Clare's diatribe allowed Ryan some time to collect his composure, but only just because he couldn't believe the newspaper report. The article devastated him; he couldn't wait to be alone, so he could think rationally. He'd certainly lost his appetite. With his mother ranting about deviates and homosexuals, he just picked at his food and quickly excused himself.

Back in his room and the house now quiet, he allowed himself to truly panic.

_Gus . . . police . . . jail, oh my god, this is awful. I'll never see him again. Wait . . . that's not true. I could go and see him in prison. How do yer do that? Would he be allowed visitors? I dunno. Shit, what'd the paper say something about under-aged boys visiting the_ caravan? _Shit, that's me. Please, please Gus don't dob me in. Just when me life's beginning to go well and this happens. Please baby Jesus keep me outta the whole mess. I can't handle anymore shit. But I gotta find out more, but . . . how? If I start asking funny questions will people think I'm part of Gus's activities', I gotta keep me name out of_ it. _And then there's work. They'd probably fire me for being a deviate. And me mates, they'd drop me like a hot potato if they found out what Gus and I were doing. Nothing more I can do, just wait for a loud knock on the front door in the middle of the night._

Well, _that's enough about me; I wonder how Gus is travelling?"_

All through the long night Ryan tossed and turned but sleep never came. Around three a.m. he climbed out of bed, sat at his desk, and stared out the window.

_Once again I'm alone. If only I could talk to Tommo . . . or somebody. I don't know nuthin about police procedure._ Will _they beat Gus to get him to talk? Will they offer him a_ deal if _he gives them names of other homos? If only I could find what's happening. Gawd I'm gonna be a wreck at work today. Say, enough about me, what about Gus? The paper said he's been sentenced to ten years. TEN YEARS! I don't think he'll survive ten years. Oh Gus, Gus, Gus. If there's a God, please Sir, look after me mate. He's a really good fella and I'm gonna miss him. I really will. Not for the sex but because I can talk to him. He's the only one I could talk to Sir, and now there's no-one. How about I make a deal with you . . . I'll go to Mass next Sunday and say an Act of Contrition, If'n you'se'll look after me mate – his name's Gus, or you might know him as Angus - I_ promise _I will . . . I promise._

Somehow he felt better, but only just. Any moment he expected a thumping knock on the front door. He shuddered.

Next morning he couldn't eat breakfast, giving some excuse about a stomach bug. Going to work was a long, long journey with one over-riding emotion . . . fear!

Thursday and Friday found him existing in a trance. He functioned only with a feeling something bad was about to happen. He concocted an alibi of sorts should the police confront him. It sounded lame but admitting being a homosexual terrified him. Once again Tommo's plea echoed through his brain.

When Saturday arrived and still no contact from the cops, he started to feel easier. But then he presumed they were playing a waiting game. They probably had him under surveillance, just waiting to see who he visited before pouncing on him. Or so he thought.

_I'll just have to keep watch for any suspicious characters stalking me. What to do about Tony? It would be disastrous to have Tony dragged into my own sordid mess. No, I'll telephone Tony and tell him I've got too many assignments to complete and could we take a rain-check until the following Saturday. I need to go hide in my secret spot and try and_. _. .what? . . . What am I gonna do sitting in the_ bush? _That's cowardly and I'm a coward for thinking that. NO, bugger it, I'll still see Tony as planned. Just being with him can chase away these deadly fears. If I start thinking about sucking his cock and having him_ . . _.you know, that's better than sitting alone and running away from life._

But Saturday also brought a new issue of the local paper containing disturbing news. Once again, his Nanna found the article. Ryan had started his breakfast when his Grandmother read the item out loud.

Convicted felon assaulted in custody

Angus Perkins, previously an employee of the Postal Service, was critically assaulted in Long Bay Jail as he began his ten-year sentence for Gross Indecency. He was admitted to (local hospital) with severe head injuries and other life-threatening complications. The Warden refused to comment further, except to say an investigation into the attack has commenced.

Ryan just crumpled inside as a cold icy wave of despair engulfed him. He just stared at his porridge trying to stifle the agonised moan threatening to find voice. His worst fears for Gus had now been realised and he didn't have any hope of helping his friend. Nor could he get more news without exposing himself. The porridge went cold.

To Clare Seaton this was joyful news and she immediately sprang to the attack.

"Oh my, oh my, oh my. There is justice after all. You said his injuries were 'life-threatening' didn't you? ( _Merle nodded)._ Well I hope he dies in slow agony. Death is too good for the likes of him. It's good to hear that some fellows are real men and have dealt out to the creature his just reward. I only hope . . ."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'm tired of listening to your poison, mother. You are quick to criticize others forgetting you're probably the worst mother anyone can have. YOU'RE FUCK'N EVIL! _(his mother, father and grandmother just stared at Ryan with open mouths)_ How dare you inflict your venom on me. I'm just a kid and shouldn't have to listen to your poison. It's a form of child abuse and should be reported to the cops. Whoever and whatever this person is, he's also a human being and deserves to be treated as such. If this is your version of Christianity then I reject it . . ."

"( _Screeching_ ) I'M YOUR MOTHER . . ."

"( _Sternly_ ) Shut up Clare, whinging about yourself won't help.( _turning to Ryan_ ) Now son I support you because no-one's perfect. We're all human beings and as such are flawed. Isn't that what Christianity's teaches? . . . something about forgiving sins and crap, but please speak your mind without bad language, I'm sure . . ."

"( _Yelling_ ) WHAT! Are you going to support him in defending that vile creature. That makes me think . . ."

( _Harshly_ ) Thinking Clare, isn't one of your obvious talents. Ryan isn't supporting the man's crime, he's just pointing out that we're all flawed and should respect each other . . . that even includes you, wife!"

All the while Merle sat enjoying the verbal storm she'd created, but now she turned on her daughter.

"Where did you get this shocking attitude from, Clare? I never taught you to think like that and the Catholic school you went to practised good Christianity. Never would any Christian teach such dreadful poison. You don't know anything about this poor man, you don't know what drove him to be the way he is, do you? ( _Clare stayed silent_ ) NO, I thought not! You should be ashamed of yourself. You should start thinking, daughter, because your son has just given you a basic lesson in behaving like a mature human being. You should . . ."

"( _BAWLING_ ) STOP, STOP IT! I'm not going to listen to anymore abuse. I'm ( _sob_ ) going back to bed _(getting up and shouting over her shoulder)_ and you can all look after yourselves for once."

Ryan, his father, and Merle just smiled after her retreating back. This was a form of emotional blackmail oft used by Clare Seaton, so they just let her go. As soon as she realized no-one would coddle her, she'd get back up.

Of course none of this helped Ryan. He just sat there not really listening to the voices around him.

Gus, Gus attacked, Gus critically injured, Gus in hospital in Emergency. I can't do anything. I can't even call the hospital to find out how bad his injuries are. I can't even call the hospital to find out if he's still alive. I wish I was dead.

'Are you alright, Ryan? You don't look well. How about a great big granny hug, eh?"

"It's alright Nanna. Mum upsets me the way she talks about other people. Why is she so nasty Nan? Me mates mums don't give out the stuff that comes from her mouth. I don't understand. Why Nanna?"

"Yes, why indeed? It's a good question and I don't have an answer for you. I am pleased however that you and your father are getting on better. I think you should build on that for both your sakes."

With the time now after ten a.m. he had plenty of time before meeting Tony around two p.m. Just then Geoff hollered to meet out front, so the two of them sat out front just hanging out. Of course, Gus the postie loomed large on their minds.

"I only met him the day you and Bert went the biff. He's the bloke that dragged the two of you apart, right? ( _Ryan simply nodded)_ Wow, to learn he's a homo just floored me; after all I thought those blokes were all 'queeny', y'know sissy voices and limp wrists. He looked like a regular bloke, he did."

"Yeah, surprising ain't it. Did ya see the thing in this morning's paper?"

"Nah, not yet. Why, what gives?"

"The paper said he'd been assaulted in the clink and had to be rushed to hospital. He might even be dead now. I mean, he and I used to talk friendly like; he never forced himself on me, so I don't know what the fuss's all about. He didn't do me no harm."

"Yeah, but havin' sex with other blokes is illegal ain't it? It's all too weird fer me. Couldn't imagine stickin' me cock up a blokes bum even if'n you'se paid me. Yuk! But that's just my opinion. Takes all kinds don't it? I mean why would ya choose t'do that?"

"I dunno. Reckon they don't know much about it, I mean it's all hush-hush, no one wants to talk about . . . y'know, what you said."

"Yeah anyway, I feels sorry for the blighter. Enough of that, tell me how the job's going. Are there any spunky sheilas working with ya?"

"Great and nope. Being a Vet is heavy going sometimes, so I reckon sheilas can't do the physical work. I mean, they'se brainy enough but takes some muscle to deal with animals. I love it Geoff, made me want to be a Vet even more. Can't wait to start studying full time."

"And night school? Not too much study work?"

"At first I baulked a bit but with Tony coaching me it's a lot better. I owe him heaps, firstly about the year twelve exam and secondly, the Bronze. How ya going with that?"

"Shit, ya just reminded me I gotta go study for it. I'm a bit lazy when it comes to the books. I couldn't take on what you did; I gotta admire you Ryan, takes guts to do what yer doing."

"Arrh, cut the bullshit, I ain't got no choice, so no use complaining. See ya."

When Geoff left, Ryan returned back to his room to study, but really he just thought about Gus and wondering what he could do to help. Then little Gus jumped on the bed and snuggled up. Just patting and caressing the little mite brought some relief to his emotional pain.

Then around mid-day Tony called. Apparently his wife's mother had taken ill, and he'd promised to drive her to see the old lady. Ordinarily, Ryan would be disappointed, but in the circumstances it turned out to be a relief. Being in such an emotional state, he knew he couldn't face Tony without disclosing his secret.

<><><><>

### 14.4

Sunday saw him accompanying Merle to church. He'd promised God he'd do an Act Of Contrition and he had to keep his word. It is usual for a supplicant to pray before the beginning of Mass, so Ryan took this opportunity to make good on his promise. Looking like a little angel, the little shit got down on his knees and,

_(Murmuring) Hey Mister God, I 'm sorry if I've done wrong. I hates bein' bad because I'm shit-scared of being punished, and don't want you'se t'get shitty with_ me, _because if'n yer riggy-didge I don't wanna upset you'se_. If'n ya looks after me mate Gus, I promose I'll try and be good, _and not give in to temptations. But Mister I get's so horney, I just gotta blow or me balls'll drop off. If I do stray, ain't it part you'se fault fer makin' me this way. Anyway, as I said I'll try . . . so here goes._

There, he'd done it! Now it's in God's hands; he'd done what he promised. Looking on, his grandmother smiled benignly. Then came the sermon.

Father O'Brian paused after mounting the pulpit and stared down at his flock. His severe demeanour meant that his sermon would be harsh and, like the thundering prophets of old, he assumed the mantle of righteous indignation. The congregation waited.

"( _Sternly and loud_ ) You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination. ( _Pause_ ) Leviticus 18:22! ( _Pause_ ) . . . If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them. ( _Pause_ ) Leviticus 20:13! . . . ( _Pause_ ) There, it could be no plainer. Homosexuality is an abomination in the eyes of God and the penalty is death. _(He hesitated and glared stonily over the congregation.)_ SO WHAT DO WE FIND? In our small community there existed an evil beast hiding as a Postal employee, and whilst going about his duties, he perverted our youth with his vile practices . . .

(The atmospherics changed as a soft but hostile murmuring could be heard and seemed to swell in volume, before dying away)

. . . Yes, you've all read the papers and know he was found guilty and sentenced to ten years. The Bible demands death but we, being a Christian community, let the monster off with a small jail sentence. **He should have been sentenced to death!**

When are we going to learn? When are we going to acknowledge that Homosexuality and Communism are the two sinister forces bringing disaster both to our community and our country. Both challenge the family and Christianity; they make no secret they intend to undermine the basic beliefs of our people, and that includes those precious to us . . . our children.

These wretched Homosexuals prowl only at night around seedy toilet blocks seeking out their prey. **They are disgusting and evil.** **There is no punishment, short of death, too harsh for these swine.** Now I read in yesterday's paper that some valiant souls have acted, in God's name, and metered out righteous punishment, the type of which is laid down by God. We should give thanks indeed that someone has listened to God and did His bidding. We must stamp out all perverts and perversion whenever and wherever they occur. Each of us bears this responsibility. . ."

" **NO! . . . NO! . . . You're wrong!"**

Interrupting the Priest in midst diatribe, a man stood up and glared at Father O'Brian, who looked stunned. Then recovering,

"Sit, sit you down, this is no place for a debate because . . ."

A low murmuring sound came from the congregation, and all eyes turned to the interjector who, stood his ground and looked to be furious. Then he spoke angrily.

"I've been a member of this church for some years. I am also a neighbour to the Davis family who whose son Tomas committed suicide because he was a Homosexual. I want everyone here to know, and particularly you O'Brian, that he was a good kid who had the misfortune to be born attracted to his own sex. It was the hatred and spite promoted by cretins such as you O'Brian, that caused him to be bullied at school and . . ."

" **STOP**! Stop this instant. I will not be spoken to like this in my own church. This is a House Of God and you . . . anyway who are you?"

"My name doesn't matter, what does matter is that people like you O'Brian shouldn't be listened to. The same spiteful venom which you promote, is the same venom that caused a fine young man to end his life. I accuse you O'Brian of contributing to the death of a wonderful young man. Hopefully one day creatures like you will be jailed for hating ordinary people. Our new world holds no place for you O'Brian . . ."

" **GET OUT! GET OUT!** I will not have . . ."

"Oh I'm going mister, and I'm going with a fine conscience that I've spoken up on behalf of Tomas Davis. All the culprits whose actions drove the boy to kill himself have been dealt with by the authorities. The Headmaster and others involved in this crime, have been brought to justice. All, . . . except you and your church. **How does it feel to be responsible for the death of a child, Priest?"**

As he commenced to wend his way down the pew towards the centre aisle, someone began to clap. It began softly at first but then, to everyone's surprise and O'Brian's horror, the clapping grew louder. Soon, people began to get up and follow the man outside. The priest, in his prettiest vestments, stood gaping as finally nearly half the congregation left the church.

" **COME BACK! COME BACK!** The Mass isn't finished. It is a sin to leave before Communion. **COME BACK . . . PLEASE."**

Ryan and Merle were just as stunned as anybody at the turn of events. Ryan, on the point of tears, suddenly felt a surge of hope. Then his Nanna turned to him,

"C'mon boyo, let's leave. I've listened to this priest spew out his venom for too long. Let's get out of here. I couldn't stay for a moment longer. C'mon Ryan."

Outside a ring of people surrounded the man offering him congratulations and words of support. Merle turned to Ryan,

"We can get the early bus if we hurry. I'd like to congratulate that man for having the guts to stand up to people like Father O'Brian, but let's hurry to the bus stop."

For her age, Merle didn't carry any infirmity., and Ryan struggled to keep up to her. Sitting down awaiting the bus she hugged Ryan saying,

"At long last someone spoke up for Tommo. I wish I had the courage that man had, because it's been worrying me no one spoke for your mate. I know he wasn't bad; in the rare times I met him he'd been polite and respectful. Just because he didn't like girls doesn't mean he had to die. I said a rosary for his soul and also his parents but, until today, no one spoke for the dead boy. To me that is the biggest crime not his sexual orientation."

Just then the bus came. After settling in Merle continued.

"Young man, I hope you never hate or pour scorn on anyone who's different to you. Everyone deserves our respect Ryan; it's when you lose people's respect that you have problems. Take Father O'Brian, he's lost the respect of his parishioners now, and will find it nearly impossible to regain that esteem. What I'm trying to say is once folks respect you, don't do anything to lose that trust. It's life's eternal struggle . . . to maintain respect. Y'hear?"

"Yeah, yeah I do Gran. I never thought about stuff like that. It makes sense. And thanks for sayin' kind things about Tommo. I knowed he wasn't bad, but everyone kept sayin' he's wicked, so what's a kid like me to do. Me mother would only scream at me and call me nasty names. Did I ever tell you I luv you Nan? If I haven't . . . I do, I do.!"

"Come here; mercy, you're getting too big for me to hug boyo."

"Never Nan, never."

## Chapter Fifteen

### 15.1

For several weeks now Ryan concentrated on getting his Bronze Medallion. . Because he's passed his Surf Rescue Certificate, his course requirements for the Bronze were eased. The physical test required him to swim 400 meters in under nine minutes which he passed easily. Tony tutored him on academic issues, so in passing the final test without any difficulty, he became an accredited Bronze Medallion holder. Then one Saturday morning, before he went on surf patrol, the Club Administrator handed him a letter bearing his name. Opening it, he understood why the letter had been sent to the Club and not at home . . . it came from Gus via Long bay jail and read.

G'day mate, I wanted to write you before, but I've spent some time in hospital. I'm OK now, well, for the time being. You must be disappointed with me, but you also know I'm a homosexual with a high sex drive. You did warn me I know, but that Friday night I just had to well, go looking. Of course you like girls, so you wouldn't understand. That's why I respect you because you didn't judge me and stayed a good friend. I only hope I can still remain a friend.

They really stood on me to name names, but I wouldn't; I kept mum even after they offered a more lenient sentence. I reckon they was pissed off at me, so when I got to jail they again wanted me to spill me guts. When I refused yet again, they bashed me up real good. I didn't say nothing because all the homo friends I got are decent blokes. I can't write and tell them not to worry because the screws here would get their names. They monitor all me mail.

So you go and have a great life Ryan, marry some girl, and have lots of little babies. Maybe they'll allow me visitors soon, so you can visit if ya wants. I'd rather yer didn't boyo, cause this ain't a nice place. I've got good memories of our friendship and hope, when I get out, we can continue where we left off.

Sorry for being such a loser,

Gus

P.S You can write if ya wants but be careful what you say.

PPS . How's little Gus??

When he finished reading, he sat back a little confused.

What the fuck? Has he got brain damage? The letter is weird; it don't make any sense. What is all that stuff about me liking girls and having babies? Gus knows that'll never . . . Oh, . . . Oh shit, . . . of course, he's covering for me. He knows the letter will be screened by the screws so he's making out I'm a hetro. Thanks Gus, that's a decent thing to do. Also, he's telling me he never buckled and dobbed anyone in . . . meaning me. Shit, that's a relief. Now I got his jail address I'll write to him; he deserves at least that. Life is so bloody cruel ain't it? I mean cunts like Cree and Cradox can go around hurting people and no one cares. Then they take a great bloke like Gus and shove into jail just because he's different. It sucks!

Just then he became acutely aware of another male body invading his personal space. There was no doubting the unique aroma of Testosterone which belonged to only one person . . . Tony.

"What gives? You're looking a bit confused. Can I help?"

"Nah, just me mate from school bringing me up to date with the Shenanigans of some of the other kids. Seems they're giving the teachers a hard time. No big deal."

Well why is he writing a letter when a phone call would be better? I think Ryan is holding something back. Interesting.

"Ok. Now that you've qualified for the Bronze, we don't have to hit the books so hard. It's a beautiful day so how about we take a different approach. Let's go for an early run tomorrow morning, then have a shower and then do a bit of study. Whatcha reckon?"

"Hey that sounds good. The surf looks great and it's a pity to waist on bookish stuff. Yeah, I can live with that. What time?"

"Say about 6.30 a.m. Sunrise is about 6: 10 so we can do a half hour run, then shower, and then get into the books. We can use the First Aid room, OK?"

"Absolutely. I'm an early riser so no problem. You ready old man? I'll race yer out to where the waves are breaking. Let's go!"

<><><><>

### 15.2

Merle woke up Sunday morning and realised something wasn't right. Allowing for childbirth, she'd never been hospitalised and except for the odd cold or two, she enjoyed good health. Now in her early seventies she had remarkable resilience and enjoyed life fully. But this morning brought some concern. All night she tossed and turned as sleep avoided her ; she even heard Ryan get up early to go for his run.

She found breathing difficult and experienced a nagging pain in her chest. By 8:30 she felt a bit better and, hearing her daughter in the kitchen, decided to get up.

"Morning mum how are you?"

"I'm not sure Clare, not sure at all. I didn't sleep well because I had some difficulty breathing. I hope I'm not coming down with anything. They say these super-bugs are nasty. Be just like me to get a serious one."

"Well, at your age you have to expect getting sick once in a while. Why don't you go back to bed after breakfast and rest. If you're still not feeling well, I'll get the doctor. What about food, can you eat something?"

"That's the annoying part, I still have a healthy appetite. I could eat a horse, I could."

So after breakfast Merle went back to bed, hoping the rest would make her feel better.

<><><><>

### 15.3

He sat on his bike and watched for movement. After an hour his patience succeeded as shadows moved in, out, and around the toilet block, indicating the site 'worked'. Still relatively early at 10:30 p.m. on a Friday night, the number of visitors build up as the hours passed. His nervous tension increased as he struggled to make the big decision whether to join the throng of males seeking sexual relief.

With Gus in custody for the foreseeable future, Ryan's healthy sex drive forced him to look for alternatives . Gays in the 1950's only had three ways of sexual relief; manually, with a partner, or casually. Masturbation bored Ryan, so this left casual sex in the form of locations frequented by men looking for other men. Public toilet blocks suited this purpose even though they were sleazy, smelly, and dangerous. Police used entrapment to prey on males whose only purpose being to hook up with other homosexual males. This is what happened to Gus; he'd offered himself to an undercover cop and then subsequently been arrested for Gross Indecent behaviour.

It presented a terrible risk, but what else could he do. Belmore Park remained the most popular site even after Gus's arrest. So frustrated were homo males, they knowingly continued frequenting the facility, regardless of risk. Still traumatised by his mate's arrest and jail term, Ryan, looking for a different location, found one closer to home – his own surf club ablution block. Why? Why his surf club? Well, with agreement from the local council, the surf club maintained the facility, keeping it clean and open after hours as a public service. It became an obvious alternative and became popular after the police entrapment of Gus. Clean, less on the nose, and bigger, because it also contained public showers for use in day time, the ablution block beckoned.

Now after hours of priming himself, all Ryan had to do was take the first step.

C'mon stupid, what're you waiting for? I need to get off, and this is the only place I feel comfortable in. I don't need to offer meself straight away, just mosey in and around and see what gives. No copper can touch me if I only visit the place and if they're all just fat old men, I'll do a runner. Yeah, that's right, go in, stay a while in the background, and watch the action – if there's any, that is. Shit I'm jumpy.

In one of their talks Gus mentioned his experiences with casual sex. When Ryan wrinkled his nose, Gus reminded him the only options for homo men, besides masturbation, were to either find a reliable partner or do the 'beats'. Now he understood the problem Gus outlined.

All day he'd psyched himself up to gain the courage to start trolling. With a decision of, 'here goes nothing', he secured his bike, meandered towards the entrance, and stepped inside.

Adjusting his eyes to the dimness, he assessed there must have been ten or fifteen fellas inside. There were eight shower cubicles, each with a vanity door, so he assumed the heavy action played out there . All but four were occupied. Two men were standing at the urinal masturbating each other whilst the rest were standing around waiting for a hook-up.

To his complete amazement there were no 'oldies' or 'fatties'. Most of the blokes, from what he could see, were in their late twenties or early thirties, and just a few younger than that. He appeared to be the only mid teen in the room. It encouraged him to find so many like-minded blokes seeking a human connection.

He settled against a bare wall and just waited. A loud groan signalled that someone had orgasmed and soon two young men vacated a shower stall. The atmosphere, the sounds, the smell, and the sight of so many males looking for sex, immediately triggered an erection. He wore only shorts and a tee shirt, so his body displayed nicely. Add his tan and muscled physique, it didn't take long for someone to notice him. Out of the gloom a young man appeared and stood in front of him displaying a healthy erection. His heart beat soared.

Before saying anything Ryan looked his contact over. About early twenties, naked to the waist, tanned, and superbly muscled. He was hot! By now Ryan's cock dripped with desire and indeed, made a mess of his shorts.

"Wow matey, you really are a spunk. I 'd like to please you so what d'yer want to do? I'll suck ya off if that's what yer wants, or you can fuck me. Your choice."

Not knowing the process or how to respond, Ryan paused before replying,

"Umm, I don't wanna cum just yet, so I'd like to suck you, if that's ok?"

"C'mon."

Taking Ryan by the hand he led him into an empty stall, then shut and locked the door. With eager hands he undressed himself, then disrobed Ryan freeing his painfully hard cock. Before the other could touch him, Ryan dropped to his knees and inspected the man's treasure. About eighteen centimetres long and uncircumcised, the thickness tapered down to a smaller than usual head, which meant perfect proportions for fucking.

Trembling with sexual anticipation, Ryan took the head in his mouth and easily absorbed the entire length. Immediately his partner groaned carnally, so Ryan responded by applying what he'd learnt with Gus, to pleasuring his companion. Remembering past episodes, his fingers massaged the man's arse cheeks before sinking a single digit into the anus. The response came almost immediately with a whimpering gasp and a flood of warm juice down Ryan's throat. He continued to suckle whilst massaging just inside the anal entrance. Gradually, the cries of ecstasy diminished, so Ryan let the softened member drop from his mouth.

"Bloody hell, you drained me buster, for a young kid you sure know how to give a blow job. That was great! Thanks!"

"Hey I'm going on eighteen so I'm not a young kid. Also I'm not a virgin; I know how to suck, fuck and be fucked. What would you like to do now?"

"Up to you, but ya said ya didn't want to cum just yet. I'd love for you to fuck me, if that's what yer wants."

"Yes, changed me mind. You turn me on so much I don't think I'll last anyways. Alright if I blow inside ya?"

"Great."

His partner turned and faced the door, then poked his bum out in silent invitation. Ryan's cock slid gently into the boy's body, invoking a whimper of pure pleasure. To Ryan, the sensation of his penis being surrounded by tight hot man-flesh, felt so good he knew he couldn't last too long. With a few powerful thrusts his orgasm exploded accompanied by moans of pleasure. It took several moments for him to empty his balls into the expectant body.

"Shit, how long since you had sex. I reckon you've filled me up real good. It's already dribbling outta me."

"Problem?"

"Shit no, I love it; I love the sensation of hot male juice sloshing around inside me. You've done this before I can tell. Do yer want to go again?"

"No, not just yet. You?"

'Arrh, I'm satisfied fer tonight, but I'm here every Friday night If'n yer wants a repeat."

"Yer on, me names . . ."

"Wow there, no names, it's too dangerous. You don't know me, and I don't know you. That's how the game is played. Is this the first time you've done a beat?"

"Sorry . . . umm, yeah, my first-time mate. I reckon that's good advice. A real good friend of mine recently got sprung by the cops doing Belmore Park and I don't want that to happen to me. I'm . . ."

"You mean the postie that just got ten years. The one in all the local papers, he's a friend of yours?"

"Yeah, real good friend. It were him that told me about doing beats. We had a regular thing until he got clobbered. Yeah, I missed the sex so much I just hadda visit here."

"Well just be careful boyo. Even if here's not Belmore park, doing the beats can always be dangerous. Incidentally, sorry about . . . . what's his name . . . yeah, Gus. Sorry about him."

"Thanks . . . look after yerself, I'll look out for ya next Friday . . . if that's Ok."

When his partner left Ryan decided that he'd had enough for his first time. He walked out, found his bike, and left for home. For an excuse he told his parents he'd been with surf club mates, drinking and then playing cards till the wee hours.

In the ensuing weeks, usually on a Friday night, he visited the beat and participated in all kids of sexual activities. One aspect made him curious. Usually on a Friday night, the customers had clearly been drinking, but what amused him most was the wedding ring they each wore.

<><><><>

### 15.4

As Merle steadily deteriorated the doctor put her in hospital where they could monitor her condition. Coming from a country background she had a strong constitution and fought the good fight. Then again her age started to impede her recovery and to everyone's horror, she developed pneumonia. In those days treatment remained rudimentary and there wasn't the range of antibiotics available in later years.

Slowly she worsened, and it seemed nothing could be done. As the disease slowly drained her, she at some stage, lost the will to resist.

Ryan could only feel deepening sorrow and the frustration of not being able to do anything. When he could, he visited the hospital and became enraged at the sight of the only person he loved slowly slipping away. He cursed God for doing this. Here lay a person who'd devoted their life to Catholic Christianity, who'd only done good in her life, who'd taught love not hate, and who was now being abandoned by her God. More than cursing her God, he loathed religion for being a false concept. Better that God die rather than his beautiful and treasured Nanna.

But it was not to be. With Ryan at her side, one dismal Saturday morning, Merle Fitzgerald departed this life.

Ryan became distraught. Although he expected her demise, the utter finality of death appalled him. His grandmother, his Nanna, the kind woman who'd supported him throughout his early travails, had departed forever. Of course he cried. He cried in the immediate hours after her death, he cried at the dinner table where her presence remained only in an empty chair, and he cried at night into a lonely silent pillow. For days afterwards he had little sleep.

And then he had to face the ordeal of the funeral. Over his objections, Father O'Brian officiated at the Mass For The Dead and read the grave-site burial ritual. His mother simply ignored his complaints about the Right Dishonourable Farter and allowed O'Brian to dictate how the funeral would be held. The Reverent Puss-heap had a standard spiel for all funerals so he simply transposed Merle's name wherever applicable. It sounded hollow and banal, and Ryan vowed to get even.

The reception afterwards verily rang with homilies about Merle from persons who'd hardly known her. They were mostly his mother's cronies, and they'd turned up for the free booze and food. After an hour of bullshit he departed silently and headed to his secret spot in the bush – and cried again. Then he started to think about revenge on the two things he hated most – the Catholic Church and O'Brian.

Over the next few weeks, time softened his heart-ache but then he found his nanna would never die because of the memories he held. None the less, he refined his revenge.

At work he acquired two dead lab rats and some liquified rotten egg gas. In its arrogance the Church kept front doors open all night, so supplicants could worship, pray, and enjoy solitude, regardless of the hour. One night he crept into the church, depositing one dead rat in the holy water font, and the other on the statue of Mary, Christ's mother. Then he splashed the noxious liquid in the confessionals, around the communion rail, down the centre aisle, and all over the high alter.

A dreadful smell encompassed the whole church and by next morning it caused gagging by anyone wishing to gain entry. Indelible ink is oft used to make writing permanent and the same could be said of the rotten egg gas. It remained obstinate to remove even after hours of scrubbing with dangerous chemicals. Attendances to Mass and Confession dropped away suddenly to the delight of many young kids.

Of course there was an outcry. O'Brian cursed the vandals who'd desecrated his church and announced that God would have his revenge. Of course the cops were called in but there were no clues to the culprits. On the other side, the attack caused great mirth and many persons wanted to congratulate the evil-doers. The incident, like the bad smell, took many months to lose it's currency, until eventually it became part of local folklore. Attendances at the church never recovered from the attack. Eventually the premises were torn down and a new edifice erected.

The dastardly vandals who'd perpetrated this evil crime were never brought to justice. Now you, dear reader, would probably consider the whole matter childish and puerile, and you'd be right. But to the vandals who'd done the deed, it became simple justice.

## Chapter Sixteen

### 16.1

Another Friday night found Ryan visiting the Surf club ablution block. In the weeks following his first visit, he'd experimented, finding Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday nights the most popular. He'd met the young man again several times and enjoyed the chemistry between them. He still didn't know the blokes name and contented himself that they should remain anonymous. The system worked. He'd also become popular because, his good looks, muscled frame, and tanned skin, seemed to attract everybody.

This Friday night he eagerly anticipated the erotic games ahead. The weather obliged with a warm balmy night and encouraged a larger than usual crowd. Or perhaps the local beat attracted more visitors because it had a safe reputation. He clothed himself to attract; smaller sized shorts, a white 'chesty bond' singlet, and running shoes. He knew he looked 'hot' so he entered with confidence and anticipation. Looking around he couldn't spot his fuck-buddy but noticed a larger than usual numbers of 'wall-flowers'. With the inside dimly lit as usual, he couldn't make out features, but stood in an exposed section hoping to get noticed.

No one made a move which pleased Ryan as he wanted time to explore the offerings. He now had sort of a routine; he'd orgasm early, then stand back and wait while his system rejuvenated itself. This way he could have at least three orgasms each night and leave completely satiated. Then out of the corner of his eye he noticed movement. A male detached from the wall and came towards him. Although he couldn't see clearly, he could tell, just from viewing his torso, that this man had huge sex appeal. His heart began to beat, and his mouth felt dry.

Closer and closer the man approached until he stood in front, enclosing Ryan in two strong arms as he leant against Ryan's wall. So transfixed by the sexy, hairy, and muscled torso, he didn't look up to the man's face. For several heartbeats nothing happened, but Ryan succumbed to the man's phenomes, an earthy masculine aroma. He started to look upwards when,

"Hello Ryan, I'm glad you came tonight."

That voice, that aroma and of course, the face.

Tony! It was Tony standing before him semi-naked. Tony here doing the beat. Tony smiling down at him with that irresistible grin. Tony and Tony's phenomes. Gobsmacked! It took several; seconds for him to find his voice,

"Wha . . . Tony! Tony, what are you doing here? You shouldn't be here because . . ."

"I know what I'm doing here, and now so do you. Look, we've got heaps to talk about, and we can't do it here. Let's go outside."

Just then a voice piped up from nearby,

"Hey yer a lucky guy mate, yon youngster's a good one. He's really hot, but do us a favour and don't spoil him fer the rest of us, eh?"

"Noted. Now come with me hot young man. You need punishing, what yer mothers gonna say I can't imagine"

. . .and escorted Ryan outside.

Silently Tony led Ryan away without turning to see if he followed. Utterly confused, Ryan meekly obeyed. At the club's downstairs door Tony hesitated, found a key from somewhere, and let the two of them into the First Aid room. Leaning against a waist-high cabinet he faced Ryan with an evil smile on his face. Ryan continued to look at Tony with a stupid expression on his face.

"Well now you know. (Pause) Yes, I'm a homo just like you boy-chick. Several times I nearly came on to you but hesitated for some stupid reason. I don't know what made me stay away; I had some silly notion of being your protector, making sure you didn't get into anything ugly. (Sigh) Silly me. Silly, silly me. I underestimated my feelings for you Ryan, because I've come to love you very much. You still have a stupid look on yer face. Your turn say something."

Ryan struggled manfully to get over the shock because too much had happened in so short a time. Eventually,

"I . . . I . . . wow, that's all I can say . . . wow! You're like me, you dig blokes. It's hard for me to take in all at once. But why . . . why, didn't you say something before? You let me make a fool of meself. If yer have feelings for me, why didn't you just come out and say something. You knew I'm queer, so you could've declared yerself without any danger? That's what I m can't understand. Why didn't you level with me?"

Tony pushed himself away from the counter and gently took Ryan in his arms.

"Why? Yes, you have every right to ask why. When I first saw you in the beat, I became elated, then very jealous. Surely It's no secret I have strong feelings of friendship for you, but I longed for something more. You have no idea how good I felt knowing I had a chance with you. My miserable world came alive knowing the possibility of sharing my body with yours. I dreamt of having sex with you so often I became frustrated. Like you I relieved myself with other fellas. I can only apologise; I guess the depth of my love caused me not to think straight. Then last Sunday my need to tell you, to kiss you, and to have you became demanding. I knew I couldn't keep the secret any longer. I'm truly sorry, I've been stupid."

"Tony, do you know how much I love you? No you don't! I love you with every speck of my body. Not just sexually, but something much deeper. Whilst I'm still learning about adult life, my love for you is very real, it's not something you have to learn, because it just is. I think my Nanna sensed it too. Jesus Tony, I'm gonna cry."

As Ryan began to sob, Tony took him in his arms and turning Ryan's tear streaked face upwards, kissed him tenderly. But immediately the dam broke and the two men locked together fiercely and passionately. Nature took hold as frustrated bodies ground together, each wanting to give more than the other. It wasn't long before both men started to shudder as orgasms overwhelmed them. Still panting they broke apart, realizing what had happened.

"(Laughing) Quick get yer shorts off before you stain them. Cum stains are very noticeable. We can give both shorts a wash in the sink."

"(Elated) I don't care, really, I don't care. Tony yer the man of me dreams. I can't believe everything I've been fantasizing about has just come true. I don't really care about the sex because I just love you so much. Here let me clean you up."

With that Ryan dropped to his knees and took Tony's softened penis in his mouth, suckling, draining, and swallowing any residual semen. Rather than being erotic it became more an act of love.

Now completely nude, they kissed softly whilst mashing their naked bodies together. All Ryan's woes disappeared with the sensation of melding himself to Tony. With two strong arms embracing him he knew he'd be with this man forever. His love had grown steadily over the past months; like a seed planted in fertile ground, his love grew from a tiny spec to a full-grown tree. From bonding as friends , their relationship grew into love, and physical desire for each other.

But the hour grew late and they both knew going home became a sensible thing to do. None the less,

"We've got so much to talk about, but not now. We'll meet next Sunday as usual and then map out our future. But one thing is certain, I have to punish you for being such a Friday night slut. Be prepared."

"Tell me when! On that score my body is yours Tony. You own me; anything you want to do to satisfy your needs, I'm prepared, I am, I want to be owned by you."

On that note they went home.

<><><><>

### 16.2

Ryan fretted all through Saturday; it seemed Sunday would never arrive. When he turned up he found Tony waiting and looking incredibly sexy. His running shorts were a size too small and perhaps a little obscene, because they showed his buttocks to perfection. Not only that, his muscled legs gleamed with power, whilst his singlet looked sweaty and a little used. Immediately Ryan's sex drive ramped up several notches. For the first time they appreciated each other as lovers, not just friends.

For several moments they just stared at each other. Two souls were they, two lost souls who'd found each other. Two souls who were experienced in matters sexual and furthermore knew what they wanted. Two souls who wanted just to please, comfort, and love the other person, asking nothing in return.

"( _Sultry_ ) How come, Ryan, you look so bloody sexy standing there. You can't imagine how much you've captured my heart and mind. ( _Pause, shaking his head)_ Many a past night I've dreamed simply being with you; I . . . I . . . know what I want from you, but I don't know how to satisfy your needs. What do you want of me boy-chick, what can I do to make you happy? I don't know if it's just the sex, but how can I truly make your life happy? What you see before you is yours. My whole soul, my physical being I lay at your feet. Shit! I must sound like some gushing female, but unless you're blind I've got a fuck'n hard stiffie that needs treatment."

"( _Hesitantly_ ) I told you I'm yours forever and I mean it. I want to be your boy, your man, your lover, not subservient but equal. I want to give you pleasure, not just physically, but to be by your side through your emotional up's and down's. A moment like this probably, if we were sheilas, would require candles and soft romantic music. That's not you and I. ( _Frankly_ ) There's only one activity that's fitting now . . . and that's for you to penetrate my body and leave your essence inside. Nothing else will be appropriate for this moment."

Silence.

"Let's go into the First Aid room, quickly.

And quickly they did.

"Don't waste time with foreplay Tony, I'll undress myself and you do the same. In terms of you and I, treat me as a virgin. I want to remember this moment, this day, this place, and what is about to take place."

With tender haste Tony lined up his cock and slowly slid inside until he could penetrate no further. The heat of Ryan's body added fuel to his desire, and the knowledge they were pledging each other made the moment so unique. Ryan felt the initial twinge of pain which quickly dissipated as Tony sank further inside.

With their bodies finally meshed together, Tony paused, looked down at Ryan, and receiving an affirmative nod, began to thrust. Each lunge brought greater pleasure than the previous and it wasn't long before they both reached a wonderful climax. Ryan accepted Tony's seed as reverently as would a Catholic, at communion, symbolically join with Christ's body.

As testament to the wonder of the occasion their bodies remained as one, sharing passionate kisses, even after Tony's penis lost its power. Gradually they disentangled and just looked lovingly at each other. Fundamentally and symbolically united, the subsequent run proved uneventful. But the day hadn't ended yet. As they showered, now in the company of other members, Tony suggested they meet as soon as possible.

"We have a lot of stuff to talk about (Ryan nodded). How about we meet this arvo in the beer garden of the local pub, say about 2:30?"

For the rest of the day Ryan just went about in a daze. The events of the last two days left him in a conflict between ecstasy and bewilderment. He knew what Tony wanted to talk about . . . like, where to now?"

As it happened, they met going into the back-garden area and found a table with relative privacy. The beer garden at the local pub had room for about 100 people who sat around circular tables to enjoy their grog. Other bars such as the public bar had strict age criteria, but no such regulation applied to the beer garden. A great place for families to sit together with friends and enjoy a casual afternoon in summery weather. Nearly all males were bare from the waist up and provided plenty of eye candy.

With two schooners of good aussie booze to lubricate the future, Tony started off,

"I hope your as happy as I am ( _Ryan nodded)_ . Suddenly (t _aking a long drink of grog_ ) I can see sunlight at the end of a long dark tunnel, but, of course, nothing is that simple. I'll state our problems as I see them. ONE, I'm married; TWO, you've just turned eighteen and have yer studies to get through; THREE, what we are is still illegal; FOUR, your mother will be an obstacle; FIVE, we have nowhere to conduct our love; SIX, we can't let our affair be public with the surf club; and . . . is there anything else you can think of?"

"( _Earnestly_ ) Yes, what about sex? I don't wanna do beats and such anymore. You're all I want, but let's be practical, we're both healthy males with normal sex drives. I mean how are we gonna handle sex?"

"Yeah, you're right. That's SEVEN, and let's deal with that last . . . or maybe now. Shit I don't know. I mean, yes I agree with you. I don't want anyone else but you Ryan, and I'll certainly not do beats or any other form of casual sex. You're It! How we're gonna accomplish that, I just don't know. I take it you agree?"

"Agree! ( _swallowing_ ) You mean about committing to each other? Definitely _. (Putting down his glass)_ I don't want anyone else but you Tony. And before we go any further I'm not wet behind the ears, I've had casual encounters before. I suppose I've got a high sex drive and have had since I turned twelve. NO, yer my man and that's that. What we gotta do is work out how we . . . you know!"

"Ok, ( _relieved_ ) so we've both agreed that we don't want casual sex with others. Ok, at least that's positive. If you hadn't agreed I would've been devastated. So let's move to the first problem, my wife. _(Ryan leaned forward so Tony could talk quiete_ r) As I told you we don't have a married, umm, a sexual life anymore. I'm gonna tell her I'm looking elseware, and she gets snarly, we'll get a divorce. If she . . ."

"( _Concerned_ ) What if she chooses divorce and wants to name someone as . . . what's the term, umm . . . correspondent . . . no, co-respondent, is it? ( _Tony nodded_ ). If she finds out about me and names me in any divorce proceedings, our whole future comes undone. Yes?"

"( _Concerned_ ) Yes, so we have to make sure that doesn't happen."

"How?"

"Boy-chick I don't know. She won't suspect that my lover is a male, she'll assume you're a female. I just have to play it right. I think I can . . . NO, I must!"

"( _Sigh_ ) Ok, so what was the second point?"

"( _Relaxing_ ) Ummm, Your studies. That'll be easy. I'll just keep tutoring you as we have already. You still want to be a Vet?"

"Hey, I'm empty. Let's pause so's I can get us refills. Here, hand me your glass."

As Ryan left, Tony watched him work his way to the bar. As he passed several tables, blokes yelled their hello's and it took some time for Ryan to reach the bar because Ryan of his popularity. Tony sat thinking.

Geeze just watching him weave his way across the garden gives me a thrill. A thrill to believe this wonderful sexy and good-looking young man is actually mine. He brought up a good point about sex. Seems I can't live without him and he can't without me. I don't reckon I can go a week without being with him physically. No way! (sigh) We'll find a way . . . we have to."

Ryan returned with two foaming schooners of Resches light beer. A favourite for the lifesaving community.

"Ok, _(taking a long swig of ice-cold beer_ ) about me studies. Too true I still want to be a Vet, and you want to be a school teacher, right?"

"Yep, ( _Tony played with his glass_ ) don't worry about me because I'm still under contract for two more years. I'm glad you still want to pursue your career as a Vet. I'd feel guilty if you abandoned that. I confess I'm looking forward to helping you. In fact the tutoring angle gives us a perfect believable excuse to be together. I don't think our relationship poses any threat on that score, Ok?"

"( _Nodding_ ) Yep, we got bigger things to worry about, like what's next . . . my mother"

"Actually that's five but let's hit it now. She'll only be a problem if she finds out, right?"

"Geeze yes. What if I told her I was a homo, would that help?"

"( _Alarmed_ ) Christ no! I don't know yer mum but if what you say is true she'll go berserk. No, definitely not!. You must keep her thinking you're into girls, otherwise she'll destroy us. Women can be very vindictive and poisonous. No, I'd play the study concept; it's a valid reason you can't go chasing females until you graduate. That'll keep her quiet for a while. Also wouldn't hurt if you arranged foursomes with yer mates from time to time."

"( _Thinking about Tony's suggestion)_ Say what if you and I could make a foursome with two girls. ( _Not serious_ )That'd go over well wouldn't it?"

"( _Excitedly_ ) Brilliant! We'll just have to find a coupla lesbians to play the charade. I'll think on it. I guess there's many females just like you and I, so it would be a winner. Leave it to me."

"Won't it be difficult, I mean it's not as if they are in the Yellow pages.?

"No, but same sex girls, call themselves' Friends of Dorothy' so I'll place an add in the local paper and see what happens. Don't you worry yer pretty head, I'll do it."

"Alright . . . ummm, where are we now? I've lost count."

"Yeah . . . Arrh, yeah about us being illegal. ( _sigh_ ) Not much to say about that. I mean it's unfair but we've gotta be realistic. Look what happened top that postie just recently, I don't think either of us could survive going to jail. Poor bugger! ( _Yeah I know thought Ryan)_ All I can say is we mustn't do anything to jeopardise our relationship. It's a toughie."

"I know, do you think we'll ever be able to walk down the street hand in hand, kiss openly, or heaven forbid, get married?"

"( _Scoffing_ ) Not in our lifetime. Maybe some time in the far, far future, certainly not now. Bloody religion is the problem. Right now churches have a lot to say about social matters; they're dinosaurs and jealously protect their dogma. We ain't gotta chance boyo, so no point trying to change the bastard's attitude. We can rant . . ."

"Well, what are you two bludgers doing sitting over here by yourselves ignoring yer mates?"

"G'day Billy, what's the club captain doing; checking up on us?"

"No ya silly bludger. Saw the two of yer with yer heads together and wondered what mischief yer planning. C'mon over and join us. I've never really congratulated this young'un here for his bravery, so a coupla pints are on me. C'mon."

"Ok, we were just finishing up. So we'll follow in a tick and join you."

"OK, see that you do."

When Billy James left Tony continued hurriedly,

"Look the most important question we've got to cover is where do we conduct our relationship. Leave it to next week, eh?"

So they joined the club captain and the others in a beer pigswill. The last question posed a thorny issue and important to resolve. The thought of Gus's empty caravan began to sprout and develop in Ryan's mind. This meant he'd have to tell Tony about Gus. In any event he'd have to come clean about their affair because it wasn't fair to Tony to say nothing. Ultimately, it'd come out; better from him than from a gossip.

_How would Tony react to me and Gus? This would test our relationship. I reckon Tony will be mad at first but hopefully, he'd understand_.

After they'd joined the group, and once the initial banter finished, Ryan relegated himself to just listening. He thought again about his mother.

I'm bloody sick of hiding my true self from her. After all, what could she do? Would she make good on her threat to kick me out? I don't think so. Me Nanna would've understood and me father . . .? Well I reckon, he'd just go along and not be judgemental. If she were to kick me out, would that be so bad? After all I'm earning a good wage and even paying her board which could go towards paying rent on me own digs. It might be a chance for Tony and me to move in together. That's what we want ain't it? Have to think a bit more . . ."

"Hey Ryan, it's your shout. Just because you've hardly touched yer piss don't mean you can escape your turn. We'll . . ."

"( _Laughing_ ) Alright, alright, don't get lathered up. How about you Billy, wanna give me a hand?"

<><><><>

### 16.3

" . . . so there you have it. I suppose my confession might sound a bit sleazy, but at the time, I enjoyed the attention. Gus gave me something I hadn't had before . . . a little bit of happiness."

Silence. A silence of conflicting emotions. Ryan had summoned up his courage to be honest with Tony; there wasn't a choice, he just couldn't stay silent. If anything, Tony had a right to know, especially now they were committing to each other. Fuelled with liquid courage, he'd slid into the passenger seat of Tony's car, and just let it all out. He didn't plan, he hadn't rehearsed, he just got it all off his chest.

All through Ryan's discourse, Tony stayed silent, maintaining a fixed facial expression. Ryan had no idea how Tony felt, as his face hadn't registered any emotion. Reaching the end he shut up, reasoning he shouldn't say anymore . None the less he became anxious at Tony's silence. Then,

" _(Slowly and softly)_ I'm not gonna say your story hasn't affected me. It has. I'm not sure about my feelings because it's a bit of a shock. Logically, I'm pleased you weren't harmed by the affair. It seems this Gus has strong moral values and didn't take advantage of a young teenager. I suppose he should get credit. ( _Sigh_ ) As a human in love, I can't say knowing you've indulged in experienced sex, is comforting. I suppose the real issue is . . . where do we go from here? I'll just have to mull it over."

"Of course, ( _choke_ ) I can't expect more. Even if my personal history may jeopardize our relationship, I'm glad I told you. ( _Earnestly_ ) I don't want to keep secrets because I love you. I can put my feelings for you and Gus side-by-side and say with absolute honesty, I only had a 'friends with benefits' type of relationship with Gus. With you it's different because I love you. I just want you to know that Tony, I love you. Now, I'll just have to wait for you to decide where we go from here. I'll get me bike and scadoodle off home. ( _Holding back tears)_ . . . See ya!"

He watched as Tony started the car and drove away. He didn't look back.

Ryan went home and fretted about what Tony would do.

If Tony told me he enjoyed a casual sex relationship with someone for some time before me, I guess I'd be a bit upset. I don't know why, I guess I just would. But it isn't me who has to deal with it, it's Tony. So why does it become a problem? I mean, it's not a betrayal of trust 'cause the affair happened long before we'd committed to each other. What then? He can't be resentful because we were friends, 'cause everybody has friends apart from their loved ones, don't they? So what is the problem, why would having sex with anyone else be a problem? I mean Tony trolled the beats and had regular casual sex, and I don't feel shitty. So what is it? Fer sure Gus and me had a relationship which couldn't be classified as casual. NO, it became something more than that – a regular casual sex relationship between two friends. We didn't love each other, not in the way I love Tony. So why would Tony feel upset, or I, for that matter, if the tables were turned.

I suppose it's the nature of love itself. When we love another person we become vulnerable. Loving means giving, totally giving. Sex is simply the physical outlet for the emotion of love. But that's crap! We indulge in sex because it's a basic human need. Does it mean that after falling in love, any sex encounter before, and certainly after a declaration of love, is a form of betrayal. It's not logical. Certainly having sex with someone else after a commitment is bad; that's a given. Why then do sex encounters before commitment cause such trouble. Until recently having yer wife a virgin at marriage was so important that women went to great lengths to show blood-stained sheets. Shit it's complicated, ain't it? Do we, as a species, expect our life partners to come together as sexual virgins? Some do, some don't.

It's a dilemma I can't solve. Perhaps there isn't a rational explanation because it all depends on each person, each flawed human being. The bottom line is Tony and I are testing our love for each other. Yes, it's a test. I guess I've passed my test in that I love him so much I'd rather tell the truth than hide the truth, even though the truth may harm our relationship. I've put myself out on a limb. Now it's up to Tony to determine if his love for me can withstand my truth. God, I hope so!

Ryan awoke from a troubled asleep because of a noise, a repeated noise. Still foggy, he realised stones were being thrown against his bedroom window. Thinking it could be Bluey or fatso, he became irritable and raised the window. Poking his head out he could just make out a male shape in the gloom, and snapped,

"Bloody hell whoever yer is, it's the middle of the night and I don't like being woken up . . ."

'Ryan, it's me, Tony. Can you come out, I need to talk to you."

His heartbeat soared with anxiety. Surely this meant bad news. Tony has decided and didn't want to waste time telling him.

"Is it so important you have to tell me now, in the middle of the night. I've been so miserable I couldn't sleep. Now, when eventually . . ."

"Shut it boyo, just climb down, so we can talk."

Oh Jesus this is bad.

He didn't have any trouble climbing out the window, after all he'd been doing it for years. Now he stood before Tony clad only in pyjama bottoms.

"Well, get it over, I need to get back to sleep. Will you still be able to tutor me as we . . ."

"Shut up, I need to say something. Okay?"

"Okay."

"You dropped a bombshell on me boychik. I'm sorry for being rude. The thing is I didn't understand my reaction which was hurt, real live painful hurt. But then I started to think. You never got frothy about me doing the beat before I committed to you, so why should I? I didn't have an answer. What you did with this Gus, is it so different to me having casual sex? If so, why? I didn't . . ."

"Tony if yer gonna break it off please just say it and put me outta misery. I can take . . ."

"Jesus, will you stop interrupting and just hear me out. To continue, I couldn't find an answer as to why your sexcapades with Gus were different than my own nocturnals. I honestly couldn't find an answer. But then I thought about our commitment to each other. You had the guts to tell the truth even though it might jeopardize our relationship. That took courage. And then I thought about my own reaction. The question then became, did I value the degree of my love for you, against the pain I experienced after you'd told the truth?"

"Please Tony . . ."

"Sorry . . . the answer is my love for you is so great it swamps any other negative feeling. I know you're not asking for forgiveness, because there's nothing to forgive. You done nothing wrong. In fact what you did was brave. I do love you Ryan and even though I'm probably a little jealous of your relationship with Gus, I love you too much to let that , or anything else, come between us . . . ( _Pause_ ) There I've said it."

Ryan had steeled himself to handle bad news so much that, as the realisation dawned on him, he suddenly relaxed and fell into Tony's waiting arms. He swooned.

"Oh shit, ya stills wants me? It's ok, yer not gonna ditch me because I've been bad, it's gonna be OK?"

"Better than OK, we've just put our love for each other to the test and our love won out. I love you Ryan Seaton, my life, my body, and my soul is yours . . . forever."

They fell against each other frantically kissing and grinding their pelvis together. At some point Ryan disengaged and said,

"I want you to fuck me, I want you to fuck me, so I can go to sleep with you inside me. Please, please Tony!"

What followed was a tender, thrilling, and moving act of commitment between two persons deeply in love. Their love for each other had truly been tested and passed.

<><><><>

### 16.4

Ryan, for the rest of the week, enjoyed supreme happiness. Nothing now stood in the way of their relationship, and the only unresolved issue being how to conduct themselves on a day by day basis without raising suspicion. His own thinking still inclined towards Gus's caravan, or something like that. Moving out of home might be possible for him, but perhaps not so with Tony. After all he had a wife to consider. Even though he'd turned eighteen and by law able to conduct his own affairs, he didn't want to make any precipitous decisions.

So come Sunday morning and after their run, shower, and change, they settled down to discuss the problem. Later in the morning Tony had to report for Surf Boat rescue training, because soon they were to compete in a major Surf Carnival hosted by their club. Being a wonderful sunny day, they sat on the sand with their backs against a retaining wall.

"Been giving the practical side of us some thought. Before I put my sixpence worth in, what are your thoughts boychik?"

"I know you don't want to hear this but being with Gus in his caravan seemed real snug. The caravan had all the necessary conveniences and accommodated two people easy. I also thought about leaving home and the two of us renting a cheap flat; but that would involve you in making an unpleasant decision. I don't believe yer ready to make a complete break with Paula are you?"

"( _Regretfully_ ) Oh we talked about it several weeks back but nothing's taking place. I'll try and bring it to a head this week but can't see anything happening real soon. I dunno what's in her mind, first she says yes, and then back-peddles. Women!"

"I can't tell you what to do Tony, nor should I. From an outsider's viewpoint, if the relationship is kerplunk, and sex is of no importance, for each person's benefit you should cut the knot so both of you can move on. What if yer says you've found someone else and want yer freedom, what would she do?"

"Do? You don't know much about women mister that's for sure. She'd hit the roof, want names, want details about the number of times I happened to be unfaithful, and then kick me out. The husband always has to leave if he's in the wrong; hell, even if he's innocent he'd still have to vacate. That's what would happen, so let's not go there.'

"Jesus, she'd do that?"

"Bet on it! I like the caravan idea though and also thought about getting a garage at one of those self-storage sites and setting it up appropriately. Your thoughts?"

"No, a caravan wins over a storage shed. I could get meself a cheap flat, but that means leaving home. Lady Clare would hit the roof, not because I'm leaving, but because she'd lose my rent money. I don't know whether I'm ready for that upheaval. Sounds like a caravan is the winner."

"Yes, seems like, but I'm not gonna use yer boyfriends caravan. Too many raw emotions there. Also, we'd have to find another site, because using the same caravan park would be dangerous. There's plenty of other camping sites we can use, but they aren't as close as the one near the dam."

"Why can't we use that site, after all it's convenient for both of us. If we parked the van some ways from Gus's site no one would take much notice . . . would they?"

"( _Ruefully_ ) No, I guess yer right? It's just stupid me wanting to distance you from yer past. Come to think it would be a good way for me to put yer past away for good. I can do this."

"So, it's settled then – a caravan. How do we go about getting one? I mean neither of us has much ready cash, so how'd we purchase a van?"

"Most camping sites have caravans for rent because of the holiday demand. I'll have a snoop around, but I don't think it'll be a problem. Agreed?"

"Agreed. Shit I'm getting' hard in anticipation. Our own love nest, eh?"

"Me too."

## Chapter Seventeen

### 17.1

After acquiring a caravan on a permanent basis, Tony and Ryan settled down to a comfortable and hassle-free life together. Sometimes they met weeknights but mostly they met on the weekends and holidays. With Tony's guidance, Ryan did well in his year twelve and so looked forward to enrolling in the vet college of Sydney University. His work at the Vet School only intensified his desire to be an animal doctor. Then he realised he had a problem because he'd have to leave his job to enrol in the full time Uni course. There weren't any night courses offered so he discussed the problem with his superior. Already his impressive work ethic had come to the attention of management, so they promised to review his involvement with a view of him working part-time and attending formal classes.

It would be tough and demanding, but Ryan had no doubt he could do both. Excitedly he awaited the new year.

Tony and Paula eventually split as there wasn't anything left of the marriage. As it turned out Paula met someone else and needed to move in with her new beau. This gladdened Tony of course, he had the condominium to himself, opening the way for Ryan to move in. Ryan at last could settle into a life of normality; he had a good job, he would be successfully enrolled into the Vet school, he had a wonderful lover, and a more than satisfactory sex life. Of course, he anticipated a fiery outburst from his mother about losing his board.

And then the letter came.

In Nineteen and fifty-one, at the onset of the Korean War, the Australian Government initiated compulsory National Service, an obligatory call-up of males turning 18 on or after November 1, 1950. The service lasted 176 days – six months - after which trainees were required to remain on the Reserve of the Commonwealth Military Forces (CMF) for five years. Males, because the package did not apply to women, could nominate the service in which they wished to be trained. Those nominating the Navy, or the Air Force were considered only if they volunteered for service outside Australia.

Ryan of course registered as required when he turned eighteen, and then forgot about the matter. For some reason he'd nominated the Air Force as a preference, despite the obligation to serve overseas. By then the Korean war had stalemated and the possibility of serving overseas became a very remote likelihood.

Of course there were exemptions, but these mainly applied to religious careers and activities. In the nineteen fifties, religion occupied a significant status in the Australia social order. The other exemption applied to those with physical or mental problems. Now, Ryan would have been exempted if he declared being a homosexual. This ,of course meant he would probably be sent to a mental institution because of his psychological defect. Understandably, this wasn't an option.

The letter called him to serve in the Australian Air Force as a lowly 'Aircraftsman' beginning in July of nineteen and fifty-six. Then the real bombshell . . . he had to serve at the Laverton Air Force base, located just outside the southern capital city of Melbourne, over one thousand kilometres from home.

Stunned at the implication Ryan, had to re-think his life strategy. He didn't have a choice about doing 'Nasho' and in some ways it could be fun. However, what to do about Tony, his job, and enrolling to become a Vet?"

He discussed the matter with Tony several days after the letter arrived. They were sittings in the lifeguard enclosure, because Tony had duty for the day.

"( _Unconcerned_ ) Well yer don't have a choice boychik, whether you like it or not, come July this year yer headed to Victoria. Gawd I've heard some awful things about the weather down there; raining, cold and windy. They play Aussie Rules which is an offshoot of Gaelic football, and it's almost like a religion. One thing you might check out is the Olympic Games which I believe open on November 22 and run through to December 8, 1956. If you could get to see the games it would be awesome. When do ya have to go?"

"The letter said we had to muster on Monday July 15, at the Air Force Association House in Pitt Street and then by train to Melbourne, and then on to Laverton, on Port Philip Bay . . . by some means."

"Well that's great. Hey don't get all sloppy, look on it as a challenge, a new adventure. Just think you'll be away from yer mother for six months. Now that's a pleasant thought."

"But what about us? I can't not see you for six months. Besides I'll keep imagining you'll be fucking and sucking any male that takes yer fancy. I'll go bonkers!"

"( _Grouchy_ ) Same for me. You'll be billeted with eighteen-year-old randy, oversexed males, who aren't fussy where or who they's gets their rocks off. I'm in more danger than you, boyo. Anyway, it's another test of our love. Look I'm sure yer gonna listen to young blokes whinging about leaving their girlfriends behind. It's no different for you and I . . . I love you Ryan and that's that. We'll survive."

"Yeah, I'm glad you see it that way. I love you terribly Tony. I'm really gonna miss you sexy-man."

"You know what yer real problem is don't you?"

"Ummm, no. What's me real problem?"

'Yer mother. I bet she'll ask for rent money while yer serving down south. You'll have to be firm and tell her . . . sorry mum, no way!"

"Yeah, that's right. Wouldn't put it past her to threaten to bring in a boarder to make up for her lost rent. She'll probably give me a choice; either you pay full rent, or she'll get someone else to pay her."

And he wasn't far from the mark.

" . . . even as paltry as your board is, we need the money to keep this house afloat. Now that your fathers finally got off his arse and got a full-time job, his wages don't cover the household running costs. Remember, we also lost your grannies pension money when she died. I'll have no choice Ryan, unless you can give me rent out of your wages, I'll have to get someone in as a boarder. Of course when you finish your Nasho you'll just come back home. It's up to you."

"What's up to me? Coming home or paying board? I don't earn enough whilst I'm doing Nasho, what we get just covers our personal costs. I can't and won't give you anything mother, so get used to it! Unbelievable! Here I'm going away for six months and all you can think about is how much moula you'll lose. Incredible! What kind of a mother . . . no, no, don't answer that, because I know what kind of mother you are! It's strange, Tony warned me that you'd try and squeeze money outta me and he's right. Despicable!"

"( _Whining_ ) That's it, go on, insult me all you want. After all I've done for you, you repay me with crass insults It shows clearly what kind of son you! Are. And as for your mate Tony, tell him to stay out of family business. The hide of him trying to bad mouth me when he don't know the circumstances."

"Hey, don't you say a word about Tony. It were him that got me through me High School diploma, no thanks to you. He's a good mate he is, so just shut yer gob. Remember he also found the job that's paying wages fer you to get yer greasy hands on. Belt up mother."

"And what may I ask is a much older boy doing coddling a youngster. He's married and should be looking after his wife, not a snivelling wretch like you. If I didn't know better I'd say he has sinister motives behind . . ."

"(Shouting) Shut the fuck up mother, that's disgusting . . ."

'( _Quietly_ ) For Christ's sake you stupid bitch, leave the boy alone. How about giving him some support eh? He's going to join our Defence Force to serve our country. Ignore yer mother Ryan, I'm bloody proud of you. Go on piss off, go and get pissed with yer mates. Here ten bob, go and get sloshed."

"(Shouting) That's my money you creep! How dare you give him my money that's needed to keep house. Next week you'll owe me ten bob more."

"Piss off Clare! Yeah piss off and get a job. Yer nothing but a bludger."

Ryan kept the money for his going away piss-up. As it turned out, both Bluey and Geoff were also summoned to do Nasho, except in their case, they'd opted for the army which only required 90 days service, and no overseas commitment. The three youngsters planned a big piss-up for Saturday July 13, so they found themselves in the local beer garden in the early afternoon. Tearful goodbyes with girl friends were not allowed.

Ryan took the first shout using his dads ten bob as a kitty. Even though mid-winter the day turned out sunny, so in defiance of the weather they went shirtless. After all, when you get sloshed you don't feel anything. The mood stayed upbeat with only a tinge of apprehension for the big step they were about to take.

Ryan passed on his dad's message that in nineteen and forty-two, young blokes their age were asked to form a ramshackle Company to stop the Japanese who were invading New Guinea, just north of Australia. In appalling conditions, this Company of misfits held back a Japanese Division of over two thousand warriors along the Kokoda Trail, with such heroism the name Kokoda entered into Aussie fighting folk law.

Now as the afternoon progressed, drunken promises to emulate these hero's came thick and fast. At this level of inebriation, Tony joined the group.

"Well you fellas sound good and pissed, mind if I join you?"

"( _Slurring_ ) Nah, courshh not Tony me man. yer a sshamp man; the way you stroked our boat to victory at the Freshie furf carnival will go down in hisppory . . . yer a hero Tony. Rumours goin' round ya might ( _hick_ ) be up fer club captain eh?"

"Shut it Bluey, I'm too sober for that crap. Here, what're you drinking? It's my shout. C'mon Ryan give me a hand will ya?"

As Tony and Ryan went to the bar, Geoff slurred,

"He'sh good bloke is Tony. Ryan said if'n it weren't fer Tony he'd never have pashhed his Year twelve. Wish I'd had someone to croach me in me final year."

"Yeah, thoze two are really closh ain't they; been good friends fer a long sltime."

At the bar, Tony turned to Ryan whilst their orders were being filled.

"Last time I'll see you boychik, I hope you don't mind me crashing yer going away party.

"Hey man, I can't stop thinking about leaving you. I'm not getting drunk because I'm happy, I'm getting pissed because I'm sad. Can't I see you tomorrow?"

"Best not, I might chain you to my bed. We don't wanna risk that, do we."

"Now that yer wife's gone I can't understand why I couldn't come and live with ya. Why won't ya let me?"

"I don't know, except I reckon we should wait till you finish Nasho. It's only six months away, so lets not rush. Look yer gonna have a time of your life boyo, think about making new friends, learning new skills, seeing new places, and enjoying new sights. In a way I'm envious . . . Ok, thanks . . . how much? There, that should cover it. _(paying for the round of beer_ ). Hey, give us a hand, I can't carry all meself."

After sorting out who gets what, Tony sat down to enjoy the afternoon.

"Say Ryan, we'se jest bin talkin' bout yer doin' oversheas duty. What d'yer reckon 'bout this towelhead Nassar? D'yer reckon he's gonna cause trouble?"

"What the fuck yer talkin bout Bluey? I ain't heard nuthin about . . . who'd yer say 'is name is? And what's gotta do with me?"

"Nassha dick-head, he's the boss-cocky 'o the gypos. Don't yer read the papers?"

"Pish off lame-brain. What's he talkin 'bout Tony?"

"Colonel Gamal Abdul Nassar. He's the president of Egypt and he's talkin about taking over the Suez canal."

"What's at gotta do whiff me?"

"Well if Britain and France, who own the canal, challenge him it could be war. It all depends on Israel. If they come in with the Pommies and the French fries, it could get serious. You could get called up to fight."

"( _Alarmed_ ) NO WAY! I'm not gonna kilt anyone. I can't SHIT! What am I gonna do? I'm a lover, I ain't a killer."

This brought boozy laughter from the assembled. Tony then tried to pacify him.

"It's alright Ryan, We'll just phone the Prime Minister and tell him yer a menace to national security."

All thorough a liquid afternoon, the lad's tried to hide their apprehension with copious amounts of grog. Every so often, Ryan would exchange glances with Tony; at times very wistful glances. But if they thought no one noticed they were mistaken.

<><><><>

### 17.2

" . . . Cadets, RIGHT DRESS!"

The twenty four young men in Flight A of the Australian Air Force National Service intake, shambled into position. The process took several minutes while the new cadets, still unfamiliar with each other, rearranged themselves as explained by the Flight Sergeant. Three rows, where the foremost right person measured distance with an arm's length to the man in front; each row then shuffled, taking station within an arm's length to the man on the right.

Arriving mid-morning at the Laverton Air Base, about 60 kms south of Melbourne, the squad were still in their civvies. They'd been introduced to their sleeping quarters which consisted of three Quonset Huts left over from World War Two. Being billeted as eight persons to each hut, a cursory inspection deemed they were surprisingly comfortable. Now they'd assembled to march into for the Canteen for lunch.

As a group they stayed together, simply ignoring all other personnel eating lunch. Fraternization would take some time. Their uniforms would be issued later in the afternoon, at which time they'd be fully incorporated into the Australian Air Force. After being supplied with gear based on the cadets own size guesstimate, there followed hilarious activity as cadets exchanged any ill-fitting gear. Eventually they assembled with pride in their new uniforms for the march to dinner.

Now, after the evening meal and until lights out around ten p.m. they had free time to tend personal stuff. Of course their first night in a strange state, a strange new habitat, strange new comrades, and strange new environment, did not proceed without some drama. To young men used to having their own room and bed, settling down to sleep in a crowded environment proved difficult. On the first night no-one slept very well. Whimpering, farting, and unmistakeable sounds of masturbation pervaded the sleeping hours.

The next morning saw them wake up with the realization they were now formally in the Air Force. The typical day comprised, early morning exercise, breakfast, drill, lunch, more drill exercises, lectures and finally dismissal around five p.m. They would then make their own way to the Canteen for dinner and eventually 'lights out'.

In the hut before lights out, the boys told jokes, indulged in a bit of rough, and developed friendships. Eventually, their dreams of flying in jet planes and leaning pilot skills were just that . . . dreams. National Service cadets were classified as 'Aerodrome Defence' and spent their time leaning army drills and tactics. Too late they realised it would've been better to do their time in the Army with a commitment of only Ninety days and no Overseas service. Still the Air Force uniforms impressed.

That first night Ryan had only one thought . . .Tony.

I wonder what he's doing now? It's strange being here down south not knowing the blokes in me squad. I guess some are just as uptight as I am. Jesus Tony, I really wish you was here. I gotta go without sex for nearly six months, except for me right hand. I wonder if there's any homo's in the squad. Not that I'm gonna ask or such, it's too big a risk and aside from personal injury, I'd get immediately dishonourably discharged. As promised, I'll write to him at least once a week and he's gonna do the same. Best not let the others fellas see me letters. I'll just say they're personal like.

"Pssst, Your Ryan ain't ya? I got that right?"

"Yeah, that's me name cobber, you're Alfred ain't ya?"

"Yeah, but jest call me Fred, cause I don't like Alfred, it sounds like a pommie name. Where're ya from Ryan?"

"From Harbord, near Manly. Where you?"

"Up country, ummm . . . Tamworth."

"( _Laughing_ ) Jesus, a country boy! Say, what's it like to fuck a sheep?"

"Not bad, but better if'n ya fuck's em on top of a cliff."

"Eh? What . . . I don't understand, why's that?"

"( _Laughing_ ) course they press back harder!"

"What the fuck yer talkin about . . . oh I gotcha ( _Laughing_ ) that's funny. Yer a dirty man young Fred, and pleasantly evil. I reckon I'm gonna enjoy yer company. Whatya think about Nasho so far?"

"'s OK. I mean the foods good so far. I can't wait t' get up in a plane. Been wanting to fly since I was a young-un. Me uncle flew jets in the Korean war. It were him that said I should join the Air Force."

As Ryan went to respond an angry voice interrupted,

'( _Angry_ ) And I'll fly up both yer arses if yer don't shut it. Get some sleep heroes or go down into the shitter if'n ya wants to talk. Y' can kiss each other good mornin' tomorrow."

Fair enough, but a tentative friendship had been formed.

<><><><>

### 17.3

Sensing kindred spirits, Ryan and Fred gravitated towards each other, and over the coming days became friends. Fred enjoyed Ryan's earthy language and direct conversation. Within several weeks they knew about each other's likes, frustrations, and beliefs. When the subject of girls arose, Ryan simply said he had someone at home who he missed and left it at that.

Fred grew up on a farm and seemed a simple country boy; not simple intellectually, but simple in his approach to life. When it came to schools, Ryan related his experiences at The Grammar School. As for Fred, he went to school in Tamworth before leaving to help his dad on the farm. Of course they were friendly with others in the hut, but in daily matters like eating, telling stories, and mucking around, they gravitated to each other.

Every cadet hated night-time guard duty as, in pitch blackness, they had to cover the lengthy perimeter of the air base. This chore carried out in cold, windy weather, became scary in the dead of night. They patrolled in pairs and kept on high alert, challenging any movement or anything sounding suspicious. Every so often, their hut mates would play some prank and the prospect of this happening kept them on full alert.

One day they were transported to a firing range and had to practice with weapons dating back to the First World War. They nearly shit themselves each time they pressed a trigger. In the cafeteria they sat together as a group and seldom mixed with other cadets, particularly those of Flight B. So after about a month of mindless dreary days, they were granted a weekend leave to spend anyway they wanted. Of course, all the Interstate lads opted to go into Melbourne City and try out the local beer.

As their first free weekend drew near the cadets grew excited. They had only passing images of the state capital on the way down to Laverton AFB. Now Ryan, Fred and two other friends, grouped together to plan their outing. They adjourned to the cafeteria as there they could talk with some privacy. After taking orders from the two other lads, Ryan stood in a queue talking to Fred about the upcoming outing when he froze as a voice behind him said,

"Ryan? Jesus Christ, Ryan Seaton? . . . Ryan, I can't believe it's you man. I can't believe it's you."

Provoked by the sound, Ryan turned around and came face to face with . . . Jim Tandara. For a moment he just stood, open mouthed and astonished. Jim Tandara here, with him, in the Air Force, in Laverton, doing his Nasho. Wow! Then he sort of recovered,

( _Raising his voice_ ) "Jimbo! What the fuck are you doing here? When? What? How? I can't believe it's you."

"( _Excitedly_ ) It's me alright, me Jimmy Tandara. Err, I'm in Flight B, and I'm guessing you're in A Flight. No wonder we haven't we haven't seen each other before. It's bloody incredible, we're both here, umm . . I think yer cobber is trying to get yer attention."

Ryan turned back to Fred and introduced Jimmy. Momentarily forgetting his purpose he asked Fred,

"Can you remember what the fellas wanted, Fred?"

"Yeah, easy . . ." and gave his order for the four of them. After paying and collecting the drinks, Ryan turned back to Jim,

"Are you alone or with someone?"

"Yeah, like you I'm ordering for a group. There's four of us, so when we both finish placing the order, how about you and I find a quiet corner to get up to date.?"

"You got it!, Wow this's terrific, we sorta lost touch. I guess we're both guilty, eh?"

After depositing the beverages, Ryan apologised to the others,

"Hey, I've jest met an old school mate. He's here in flight B and we gotta lot to talk about. You fellas go ahead and plan what we're gonna do in Melbourne town; whatever ya decides alright with me."

Moving away, Ryan looked around the cafeteria and easily found Jim sitting at a quiet table waiting on Ryan to come over. His thoughts were slightly adulterous.

Geeze if anything he looks better than he did last time at the station. Those beautiful dark brown eyes he must've inherited from his Abbo ancestors, they . . . they, just give me goose-bumps . He's a mite taller but still very athletic. OUCH! Tony, I deserved that, I'm bad.

With such bad thoughts swirling around his noggin, he sat down opposite Jim.

"( _Smiling_ ) Jimbo, I'm totally gob-smacked, yer the last person I thought I'd see down here in this turd-pile. It's been what? . . . three years, or thereabouts."

"( _Quietly_ ) Yeah, must be. Even though we haven't communicated doesn't mean I haven't thought about you, Ryan. ( _Pause_ )( _Earnestly_ ) I thought about you a lot, because lottsa things have happened."

"Yeah, same here. But first, how'd ya get to choose the Air Force?"

"I could ask you the same. I thought being a water person you'd choose the Navy? Why Air Force?"

"Oh, sometime as a kid I joined the Junior Air League, so I just thought I'd follow on. Bit sorry I did now, we ain't gonna see much flying . . . if any at all! What's your story?"

"Oh me uncle served in the Air Force in Korea and convinced me to do me Nasho in the same service. Yeah, it bloody-well sucks, don't it?"

"Yeah, but we're hoping to see some of the Olympic Games whilst we're down here. What's the gossip from your lot?"

"Just rumours, nothing reliable. There's plenty of blokes doin' their Nasho here in Victoria, but I guess as we're the closest to Melbourne proper, I reckon we'd be first pick."

Then they just stopped talking and stared at each other. As the uncomfortable silence lengthened Ryan decided to venture into the unknown.

" _(Softly and earnestly_ ) How're yer really doin' Jimbo? I mean we shared some intimate moments didn't we? Y'know, except for bein' so far away from each other, we could've really connected . I'll never forget leaving you on that train platform. I cried heaps that night because we had somethin' special going and it scared me to think I might lose you."

"( _Subdued_ ) I'd rather not go there Ryan, it's all in the past."

"( _Forcefully_ ) Bullshit! It's not like we can forget our past. You were my first love and I know you felt the same about me; well I thought you did, anyway."

"( _Sadly_ ) I were pretty mixed up Ryan, not that I'm sayin' it weren't good because it were good . . . it's just . . . it just couldn't go anywhere. I'm not queer."

"( _Angrily_ ) Queer! Jesus I hate that term! I don't recognise that term and I'll tell you straight out I'm definitely not queer. It's not queer to love someone, really love someone. As far as I know there ain't any rules to loving. I can't understand why the nasties condemn something that's beautiful. I'm not ashamed of bein' with you Jim. The little time we shared together I'll always remember with happiness. It were a beautiful friendship that you and I had, and then taking it to the next level just proved how much we felt for each other. Y'see because we bonded by sharing our bodies simply means we wanted to enhance the love we felt for each other. Well anyway, that's what I thought. Please don't rubbish us and try and coat our time together with guilt. I won't buy it. I reject it. You can't lie to me Jimbo and say you didn't feel anything between us."

Silence . . . Jim, with tears not far away, looked up at Ryan.

"I don't reckon I'm worth those words Ryan. No, I'm not gonna lie. Yeah, I had strong feelings for you mate, probably still do; but what's the point if'n it's a dead-end."

"Whatcha mean . . . dead-end?"

"Just that. We can't be together like boys and girls do normally, it's illegal."

"You mean I can love you as a brother, but as soon as we have sex, then our brotherly relationship becomes illegal?"

"C'mon Ryan, you're trying to oversimplify the problem, but yes, it's like you said. Boy's just can't have sex with other boys and if we do we're thrown into jail. And there's some _(Ryan went to interject_ ) . . . no, let me finish, because here comes the really hard part. My culture just won't abide same-sex relationships. With me being the first Abbo to get enrolled at a Private school everyone's watched me. I'd feel the whole weight of shame on me if I turned out to be queer. So please . . ."

"BULLSHIT _! (several heads turned to the sound of Ryan's outburst)_ You don't owe anything to anybody. It's your life Jimbo, no one else has the right to tell you how to live yer own life. If yer gonna spend yer whole life conforming to others expectations, you'll be a very unhappy chappie. I'm not trying to oversimplify anything; I'm just pleading with you to live yer own life, to be Jim Tandara, the real, beautiful Jim Tandara."

"( _Sighing_ ) I wish I could do that Ryan, but I can't . . . and neither should you. What about your parents? Aren't they entitled to be grandparents? What's gonna happen if they find out yer queer? Think of the shame. You may think me a coward, but from my viewpoint, it's better to find a girl , get married, and have kids. I really believe that's then only course open to me . . . not only me, but you as well."

Silence. The two lads just stared at each other over a gap measuring ten thousand miles.

"( _Sadly_ ) No, I don't think yer a coward Jimbo - no not at all. It saddens me to hear you say yer gonna hide who you really are and live yer personal life according to someone else's warped viewpoint. I can tell you now I've met someone and we're deeply in love. Yes, we've taken our association way past the sex threshold. Simply put, we love each other and when I get back, we'll somehow find a way to make it work. Oh, his name's Tony and I worship him. We love each other so much we'll fly in the face of cruelty and live our lives as free human beings."

"You mean you'll never try and have a relationship with a female?"

"( _Angry_ ) No, and there's something else you haven't considered. At some point down the track you'll be unable to kerb yer basic sexual needs. Or worse, if you do, you'll end up a basket case. What's gonna happen to yer missus and the kids when it comes out yer attracted to yer own sex. It's called being a homosexual, Jimbo. Have you considered the harm you'll do to yer wife? She's entitled to the truth from you boyo and when , and I mean when not if, when she finds out, her life is gonna be ruined. I bet ya ain't thought of that."

Long silence. Jim just looked down and played with his coffee mug. Eventually,

"( _Sigh_ ) I dunno Ryan, I just dunno. I can't . . . no, I won't answer you. I just have to take my life one step at a time. No-one knows what's in store for us. I don't have any choices, I'll just have to deal with me life day by day."

"( _Sadly_ ) No Jimmy, we all have choices. So do you, in fact you've just made a choice boychik . . . you've chosen to deny yer sexuality and opted to live a hetro life. Man, I really feel sorry for ya. Don't get me wrong, if yer thinks I'm bein' hard on ya, it's only because I still love ya as I would me own brother; the time we spent together I'll always cherish."

Then another voice joined the conversation,

"I don't wanna butt in but you both sound a bit agro. Anything I can do?"

They both looked up to find an anxious Fred standing there.

"Nah Freddo, just me and Jimbo shared a little disagreement, sort of a misunderstanding between friends, _(Jim nodded_ ) it's all been sorted."

"Glad to hear. Say Jim, do you and yer mates wanna come over and join us?"

"Thanks for that, I'll ask, I'm sure they'll agree. At least we can bitch together about the Air Force. I'll go ask."

"Umm . . . Jimbo, we'll talk more, but . . . well, maybe not. I guess you've made yer mind up, eh?"

Back in the hut Ryan decided to write to Tony. His discussion with Jim had raised some issues that he and Tony avoided. It wasn't his first letter, he'd dashed off a quickie as soon as he arrived at the AFB. As yet he hadn't received a reply.

Before leaving, Ryan agreed with Tony to feminize their names so anyone reading wouldn't question their relationship. Tony became Toni and Ryan became Ryanne.

Hey sweetie,

God I miss you. If ever our relationship is put to the test it's right now. Every night darlin' before I gets to sleep I think about you and about being with you in the biblical sense. Sure, there's heaps of chick spunkies down here but all I do is look and compare with you. In six months' time I know I'll look back and wonder where the time's gone. Right now, I just don't know how I'm going to survive the next six months.

You remember I told you about Jim Tandara my schoolmate? Well he's down here at Laverton AFB. Can you believe it? We had a deep talk about his situation and he's opted to live his life in denial. I told him about you and I, but his minds made up. It upset me so much I almost cried. Apparently his tribe is hostile, and he doesn't want to be an outcast. Sad, sad, sad.

On other news . . .

. . . and he signed off as,

_Y_ _our beloved, Ryanne_

xxxx

PS you owe me one. Please write, otherwise I'll go cuckoo!

### Chapter Eighteen

### 18.1

Life for the Nasho's settled down into a boring routine. Special drills, marching, lectures on aircraft recognition, and other useless activities accounted for most of their time. Several tests were introduced to weed out cadets who had the 'right stuff' to become pilots. Not many qualified. Into this mind-numbing boredom, a free weekend offered a reprieve for these young tortured souls. Minor matters such as war in the middle east, the coming Olympic Games, the Cold War, the threat of nuclear attack and the state of the Economy gave way to more important issues such as comparing the difference between local and home state beer.

Of course, every lad eulogised his girl-friend as the Queen of Beauty, the one who would willingly offer herself physically on his release from Nasho. Well, what could you expect from hormone-rich adolescent boys. Suspiciously, some lads didn't come equipped with a photo of their femme fatale.

Sex and sexual prowess dominated their thoughts and conversations. Bold declarations about the need to visit brothels, grew in volume as a free weekend approached. Lying became an art form; most young men would rather do guard duty than face an experienced prostitute.

As several weeks passed by, Ryan and Fred became close mates, to the exclusion of other acquaintances. Ryan started to look at Fred critically, noting his most sexually attractive features. With his blond hair, hazel-green eyes and muscular build, Ryan decided Fred had the necessary to acclaim him a 'spunk'. But then he would compare him to Tony and it just wasn't a contest. Tony dominated his sleeping and personal time.

On free weekends, the lads would catch a train into Melbourne and hit the pubs. Then with a skin-full of booze they would entrain back to Laverton, spending Sunday recanting their drunken exploits.

One such Saturday found Ryan and Fred alighting from the train at the main metropolitan station.

"Where to now cobber? Anybody recommend a good pub that doesn't cost the earth. What d'yer wanna do?"

"I'm easy Froggie, except I don't wanna go see museums, art galleries or visit churches. I'd rather find a good pub where we can get boozed and listen to this funny game of footy called 'Aussie Rules'."

"What about Young and Jackson's the pub famous for the painting of a nude sheila called 'Chloe'. We ain't been there, so why not give it a try, eh?"

"Ok, I'm in . . . ummm, where the fuck is it?"

"Would ya believe just across the street here, it's on that corner over there. What say?"

I'm gonna have to be really pissed before I start drooling over some nude sheila. If that turns Froggie on I'll have to go with him. Can't let him think I'm not interested.

"How about we make it our last stop before going back. All we gotta do is stagger across the road to catch the train.

"Good plan. How about we walk up this street over there and call into the first pub we find."

"Sounds good, lead on you mighty warrior."

And that's how the day started. They applied themselves brilliantly to the day's military objective and by mid-afternoon found themselves outside Young and Jackson's pub, magnificently pissed. They entered almost reverently into this famous public house, searching for the legendary painting. Not being able to find it, they ordered beer and asked the bar tender.

"Cloe? Yeah she's upstairs in the saloon bar. We hadda move her because the traffic fumes were affecting the oils. Up the stairs you go and tell the bartender there to only charge you public bar prices. It's what we do for you Nasho blokes. Enjoy."

With glasses full of cold amber liquid they ascended the stairs to the Saloon bar. There, on the wall behind the bar, was the famous painting. They stood there in disbelief because there wasn't anything special. She stood completely naked upright with one slender leg covering her vulva. You couldn't tell if she was pretty because she had her face turned away. Maybe his expectations were too high, because Ryan couldn't see anything special about her. The portrait, strung up behind a hotel bar, depicted a young girl standing nude. That's all. Definitely not sexy. Disappointing.

But I gotta remember I'm a poof, and don't appreciate female beauty. I suppose a hetro bloke would do his goolies over the tart.

'( _Disbelief_ ) Whatya reckon Froggie? It don't turn me on much. I mean, she's nuthin special. Whatya think?"

"( _Disappointed_ ) Yeah, I can't see what all the fuss is about. She's just a young sheila like plenty I've seen before. Can't see what makes her so special, 'cept she's in the nuddy. I agree – disappointing. So let's get stuck into the booze, I'm almost sober again.

And that's how the afternoon progressed. The beer flowed generously because other patrons, noticing their uniforms and being patriotic, kept a free supply coming.

As the afternoon moved to a close our lads were verging on being legless; to cure this dangerous situation they opted for more beer. Being Ryan's shout, he fumbled with his wallet and nearly emptied out the contents in search of cash. Leaving his wallet on the table in Fred's care, he staggered to the bar to get yet another round. Fred took a cursory look at the contents strewn on the table and began to look elsewhere when he suddenly froze. And then nearly stopped breathing. In an instant he sobered up completely.

It couldn't be, that photo . . . it's him. No mistake, or maybe I'm just pissed. How come . . .

Just then Ryan returned with their beers and couldn't help noticing Fred's face. He looked as if someone had hit him in the guts. His skin had a chalky colour, and his wild eyes looked frightened; like a wild animal trapped in a light. Even in his inebriated state Ryan could tell something bad had happened.

"Whatsup Froggie, you don't look so good?"

"The. . . this photo _(with trembling hands he extracted the photo from the pile in front of him)_ who is it?"

"Oh that; it's me mate Tommo. Bit of a sad story there. He was a good mate, really good mate, so I keep it for memory's sake. Why?"

"( _Tensely_ ) Where did he go to school, Ryan?"

"( _warily_ ) Umm, went to school in Tamworth at some Christian College, then came back home to go to Manly High School. Why?"

"( _upset_ ) Oh my god. Oh my god, I knew it, I knew it, Oh shit."

Ryan sat stunned at the distress evident in Fred's face. All over a photo of Tommo?

'I don't understand, what're yer so upset about? . . . ( _pause_ ) say, you lived in Tamworth didn't ya say? Did you go to the same school as Tommo?"

" _(ignoring Ryan_ ) Why did he leave the Christian College and go back home to school?"

"That's personal, I'd rather . . ."

"( _Softly_ ) was he expelled?"

Now Ryan felt extreme discomfort with the tone and direction of the conversation. Then something stirred in his mind. Something is wrong.

"( _firmly_ ) I don't wanna answer that. Just you answer me this; were you at the same school and did you know me mate?"

An indefinable something profound had altered the atmospherics; the two boys, now completely sober, knew that a crucial moment had arrived. The past now intruded on the present, and as difficult as it may be, both knew they had to be absolutely truthful with each other.

"( _persistent_ ) I repeat Froggie, did you go to the same school as did Tommo, and did you know me mate?"

"Y . .Yes."

"Yes, to what?"

"Yes, we went to the same school, and . . . and . . . and yes, I did know him."

Suddenly Ryan had an insight, and pursued Fred.

"Froggie, why did you leave school?"

Fred sat immobile facing Ryan with silent tears now streaming down his face. Then his shoulders began to heave with no sound emanating. Ryan decided to give voice to his suspicions.

"( _persistent_ ) Froggie, you were there weren't you? I know why Tommo had to leave school because he told me everything – ( _firm_ ) everything. I know Froggie, I know."

"( _Pleading_ ) please Ryan please. I can't answer you . . . I can't answer you, because . . . because . . . I'm too ashamed. Please don't force me . . . please Ryan."

At that point, Ryan had the full picture. Fred was the boy who'd been found with Tommo having sex."

"Mate, and you are my best mate, I won't press you because I know the truth. You don't have anything to fear from me because you, Tommo, and me have the same problem. Before he died . . ."

"What! Tomas's dead? Oh my god, how did he die? When and . . . wait, wait, did you just say that yer the same as Tomas and me? _(Ryan nodded_ ) _(Long pause)_ I can't get me head around this, it's all happening too fast."

Now the oppressive atmosphere lifted somewhat as the light of truth entered and swept away all irrational fear.

"Yes, ( _sigh_ ) Yes similar to you and Tommo, I like boys. _(He paused giving Fred time to digest this news)_ Tommo killed himself because he came foul of several nasties who bullied him mercilessly. It weren't pretty Froggie, I'll give you more details later; right now I want to concentrate on you. You had a tough time after the incident didn't you?"

Although the tears had stopped, the anguish still remained on Fred's face , evidenced by the tracks of dried tears streaks running down his cheeks . Taking comfort in the look of compassion on Ryan's face, Fred just decided to tell all – and to hell with the consequences. Understanding his mates inner turmoil, Ryan just waited for Fred to begin telling his story.

"When I met Tomas, ummm . . . can I use his nickname? ( _Ryan nodded_ ) when we both realised we were attracted to each other, I couldn't believe my good luck. Growing up on a farm I didn't have much opportunity to mix with boys my age. I guess it goes without saying I knew my attraction to boys began from an early age. You must know what I'm talking about? _(again Ryan nodded)_. I became so desperate I would masturbate over photos of male sports heroes appearing in the local papers. I didn't have any brothers or anyone else I could relate too. Being a farmer my dad relied heavily on the bible for moral teaching. My mother simply followed me dad's lead."

"So you were basically alone. Didn't ya have mates from Public school days?"

"Yep, but they was mostly townies and I didn't have the opportunity to mix with 'em. Even at church, I kept to meself. But I gotta be honest I didn't go looking fer friends because of my . . my, inclination. I lived a solitary life, too scared to get close to anybody lest they find out my secret."

"Shit! Shit! Shit! I know exactly what yer talkin' about."

"I guess you do Ryan, I reckon it's a common fear for us boys who are attracted to their own kind. Anyway when High School beckoned me, mum convinced dad to send me to boarding school . . . Christian of course. He agreed, so I found meself enrolled at The Christian College in Tamworth. It didn't take long for Tommo and me to suss each other out. We were stupid. Being so sexually frustrated and immature, we just needed to get off as often as possible and took stupid risks."

"So the time you were caught wasn't the first time? Did the powers know that?"

"No, no of course not, and we were able to explain it as the first time. What woulda happen if they'se knew we were fuckin' like rabbits, I don't wanna know. ( _Pause_ ) Anyway, both Tommo and I were hauled before the Head separately, so I didn't know what they did to him. They locked me in a room, so I couldn't have any contact with Tommo or anybody else. I was shit-scarred Ryan, shit-scarred _. (Ryan murmured with sympathy)_ Anyway, at some stage they dragged me into the Head's office. I couldn't deny the charge, so they just expelled me; only took about fifteen minutes all up. If I thought me problems were over, I hadn't thought about me father. When he found out, I thought he would kill me."

"Did you have any communication with Tommo at any point? I know he tried to get in contact."

"( _Sigh_ ) no, events were moving too fast. At home they locked me up for about a week, I wasn't even allowed to eat with them . . ."

"What about yer mum? What did she do? Didn't she support you in . . . in some way?"

"Nah, you'd have to meet me dad to understand. She couldn't make any move unless she had his approval. No, completely alone, I just waited for my sentence. About two weeks after getting expelled my father, not my mother, drove me silently to a private hospital away in the bush. All the way, it were a two hour drive, he didn't say a word. He frightened me so much I couldn't stop shaking. Anyway, he signed me into this hospital which I later found catered only for mental patients."

"( _Unbelieving_ ) a looney bin! He signed you into a looney bin? Yer own father thought you was mentally crook?"

"Yep, before they took me away, he gave me a dressing-down. Seems, he wanted to cure me of this weakness. This place had been advertised as having special curing techniques and also recommended by the local pastor. Apparently blokes coming back from war were afflicted with same sex perversion - it didn't have a name - and they were treated at this clinic. Well, that's what he told me. It were a short talk, and after he'd finished I became an official patient of the clinic. That's when my real troubles began."

"( _Concerned_ ) Froggie, is this too difficult, I mean if'n it upsets yer too much we can stop, if ya wants?"

"No, I really want to get it out. Haven't had a chance to talk to someone about what happened. _(long pause)_ I . . . still . . . still can't believe Tommo topped himself. I mean he weren't a weakling so it musta been real bad. Can you tell me more?"

"Yes, but not now because I'm more interested in what happened to you. Sounds like you went through hell and you should get it off yer chest. Please continue."

"Ok, but what's the time? Shouldn't we be getting back to the base?"

"Nah, it's only four o'clock. We're free until Sunday midnight so don't lets worry about time. I want to know what happened after you became a patient."

"Ok but I'm dry, how's about I get us refills, eh?"

Fred grabbed their two empty glasses and ambled over to the bar. From his gait Ryan knew he'd sobered up some.

Who woulda believed I'd run into the other bloke who were with Tommo when they got sprung. Strange, but all this time no-one had even mentioned the other bloke. All Tommo said was there were caught; from then on it were all about Tommo. I feel a bit guilty about Fred because he's had a bad time, just like Tommo. The poor bastard, having to stay silent all this time and having no-one to off-load his misery. It might make Mr and Mrs Davis feel better when I tell them about Fred.

Just then Fred returned with two larger glasses of beer. Ryan grabbed one and took a large gulp.

"Whats with the extra size.? What're they call this size?"

"It's called a pot. I'm a bit dry and thirsty again. I'll need a few of these to finish me story."

'Ok by me. If'n yer ok, take up from where yer dad had just been admitted you to this clinic."

Pause. Fred took another large swill and thoughtfully continued.

"At first it weren't too bad. I had meetings with a shrink who asked me a lotta questions about me being attracted to boys. He also asked about me family life and what I thought about me dad and mother. I reckoned if this were all it was it wouldn't be so bad. But after about three weeks of this one-on-one, it all changed _. (Pause and taking another drink)._ One morning they came for me saying it were about time I had some treatment. I didn't know what they meant. Well, not then but it soon became apparent. Expertly, they hooked me up with little pads attached to me bare skin. I saw that there were little wires running from these pads down under a table."

"Hold on, didn't they tell you what was happening? I mean were you given a choice to participate in the test? Did you have any idea what was about to happen?"

"None! The fuckwits didn't say anything to me. Apparently me father signed away any right I had to say 'no thanks'. Call me stupid, but I hadn't a clue what was about to happen. Anyway, eventually the lights dimmed, and I was staring at a small screen that appeared overhead. Then suddenly a photo of a nude chick appeared on the screen. It stayed there for about, I dunno, about fifteen seconds, and then this was replaced by a photo of a nude male, and then . . . and then, . . . ( _shudder_ ) I nearly jumped outta me skin as a bolt of electricity nearly fried me. Oh shit Ryan, the pain were awful, and although it only lasted about five seconds, it were terribly painful. I'd never had pain like that before. I cried silently."

"Shit! They electrocuted you, why? What was the point, because t'me it were barbaric. Something outta the torture chambers of the middle ages. Ok, I'll shut it, tell me what happened next."

"( _Hesitantly_ ) I'd just recovered when the screen changed, and another nude sheila appeared. This lasted for about the same time and then another nude male image showed . . . fuck! . . . followed by another jolt of electricity. Again I howled in pain. Me nipples were the worst pain-wise, I thought they'd pop out. Excuse me boyo, I get sick remembering."

"Oh man, oh you poor bastard. Take yer time boyo, I feel sick just trying to relate to what ya just told me. How could they inflict such pain on a young'un. It's like you'se were strapped into an electric chair like they'se got in Yanky Land. Yet yer hain't done nuthin wrong. Take yer time. Look sit there, and I'll get us refills; I really feels crook."

Fred just relaxed back and emptied his glass. He never thought he'd be able to tell his story to anyone, and now he was sitting here unloading it all to Ryan. It felt good. This is how Ryan found him, slumped back in the chair and idly playing with his empty glass. To Ryan he looked shattered.

"Here, just take a cuppla gulps before ya continues. I reckon yer got guts Froggie, takes guts to talk about this. When yer ready, if yer ready, keep talking."

"Well, that's about it. The same scenario was repeated for almost a half hour, after that I was carried back to me bed. They let me rest, but every third day the 'treatment' continued, until . . . until one time I just passed out."

"Why they do this? Why, what's the point?"

"Simple mate, by associating a nude male with pain and the absence of pain with a nude sheila, they were trying to alter me brain, so I wouldn't be attracted to blokes, well that were the theory."

"Sick, sick, sick! I mean I don't know much about being a homo, but I do know it's like something's been hard-wired into yer system before yer born. They'se doctors and supposed to be brainy, so why would they concoct such a bizarre treatment. How'd ya feel?"

"Rotten, but I kicked up such a fuss they only did it spasmodically. I got so mad I threatened to escape and bring the cops in. They soon got the message. But there were worse to follow."

"How come?"

'I was molested."

'Whatcha mean molested?"

"Just what I said – molested. It started after three weeks. One of the male nurses would creep into me room in the dead of night and have sex with me. I didn't mind 'cause it were the only pleasantry I had in that place. He'd masturbate me, blow me, and kiss me for several hours. Then other nurses would join in and we had some really good orgies going. Then they'd use some surgical instrument to loosen up me bum-hole and then fuck me. If'n it weren't so serious I could really laugh about it now. What they didn't realise I had more man to man sex in that place that I'd ever have before."

" _(utterly gob-smacked)_ It's so hard to believe ain't it. I mean on one hand their frying ya with electricity to stop yer being a homo, and on the other hand letting you enjoy wild man sex parties. Who could ever believe?"

"( _quietly_ ) I know Ryan. I never told any of this to anyone before, and jest sittin' here talking to you makes the whole thing sound bizarre."

"Sound bizarre? It is bizarre. In daylight hours they were trying to cure you of bein' a homo, and at night you were having orgies. That's all screwed up, I tell ya. Did the bosses know what was goin' on? I mean sumthin like that would surely get out?"

"No one said anything, there were no big outrage by the bosses, life just went on normally."

"Ok, but how did it end up? I mean when did yer dad come back into the scene?"

"After three months. Apparently that's all he admitted me for, so when the time came up, he simply collected me, and took me back home. The hospital boss gave him a report saying I was coming along nicely and should come back for treatment from time to time. I never did, nor did me old man ever talk to me about the experience. He just sorta assumed I'd been cured and that's that. When the Nasho notice came up he were glad because the Air Force would knock me into shape. HA! HA!"

Ryan sat back and looked Fred over critically.

What a story! That intelligent people could inflict such torture of a young person in order to change his very soul, is disturbing. It's a miracle Froggie hadn't ended up a basket case. But jest lookin at him now, I can see how he's been truly fucked up, not by the electricity, but by the sheer injustice of it all. What kinda parent would inflict this horror on their young'un? I wanna hold him in me arms and tell him it's all ok, but (sigh) that might give him the wrong signal. And that's the problem ain't it, I wonder what Froggie expects about our relationship now I know his darkest secret. I don't wanna have sex with him 'cause I'm too much in love with Tony. (pause) Hey that's it, I'll write Tony and ask his advice. Now I'd better get Froggie back to the base before we're both truly pissed.

<>-<>-<><>

### 18.2

Life for all National Servicemen continued monotonously with little change in daily life. Some started to wonder why the scheme had been implemented, if the only result being to impose mindless boredom on hyper-active young males. Then in October of 1956 global war threatened with Israel invading Egypt on October 29. This became the opening gambit by France and England, who on November 5th, then landed troops on the Suez Canal ostensibly to separate the two antagonists.

Of course when the mother country goes to war, then the dominions had to follow suit (In the 1950's Australia still looked to England as home). All National Servicemen were put on forty-eight hour alert and told to write letters to their loved ones that would only be sent if they were killed on active duty.

Ryan and the rest of the Nasho intake were appalled when told the news. Fighting with real bullets, and getting either killed or maimed, sent shivers of fear throughout the intake. There wasn't a lad who didn't believe his rifle would explode in his face the moment of firing aggressively. How could the Defence Chiefs dare to invade their monotonous but idyllic interlude. After all they would be back home mid-December and out of harm's way. Or so they thought. You see they were only eighteen years old, and some still had not given up their virginity. Those that had were determined to add more notches to their gun. Fear stalked the sleeping quarters and nightly erotic dreams morphed into nightmares.

And then that wonderful man, American President Dwight D Eisenhower, arranged a cease fire two days later and the crisis vanished. The President became every Nasho's hero, and immediately topped everyone's Christmas Card list.

So, after breathing a huge sigh of relief, the Nasho's of Laverton were finally told they would be called to assist in the coming historic Olympic Games, commencing on November twenty-second. They were expected to be marshals lining the streets for all those events scheduled to take place outside the main arena. So on November 9, the Laverton intake prepared for the opening of the historic Games. They practised crowd control and trained to be games Marshalls. Luckily they were only called to serve as Crowd Control on two days. For two hours they linked arms to control crowds as events, such as the Marathon, meandered their way through city streets. Boring, but after the event terminated, they were free to hit the pubs and join in the general euphoria which existed in Melbourne at that time.

And then came the exciting news. They were to serve as Marshals at the closing ceremony. In the days preceding, they smartened up uniforms, polished brass bits and pieces, and re-read procedure. The excitement grew as Saturday December 8th approached. The day dawned fine and clear. In such beautiful fine weather, they were transported to the Olympic Stadium where 102,000 people awaited the Closing Ceremony.

Unbeknown to the crowd a major change had been implemented. Usually all the athletes marched into the arena following their country's flag. Because of lingering world tension the Committee decided to have the athletes march together without National flags. They lined up haphazardly, tall and short athletes, males and females, all of different cultures and origins. The message being that athletes of the world had prime loyalty to each other. As soon as the crowd became aware of the change a feeling of euphoria swept the stadium. To the slow strains of the Aussie unofficial national anthem 'Waltzing Matilda' the athletes completed a circuit of the track and then formed up facing the official enclosure.

As attention centred on the flag pole, a choir started up an old Scottish song called 'Will Ye No Come Back Again'. Slowly the flag lowered, and the singing swelled as first the Athletes , then the whole stadium joined in. People cried and to the Nasho's watching it also signalled the end of their tour of duty. Tears flowed throughout the entire stadium.

As the flag finally came to rest OC President Avery Brundage, Chairman of the organising committee, simply stated "I proclaim the closing of the 1956 Olympic Games". The stadium erupted with joy and acclimation, the athletes started kissing each other, and this raw emotion quickly transferred to the spectators. It seemed everywhere you looked people were crying.

And so the 1956 Olympic Games ended. In seven days' time National Service would also end for the young lads at Laverton AFB. The boys assured each other they'd meet each year to keep fond memories alive. However, as much as they would miss friends and acquaintances alike, they longed to get home and renew their normal lives. But to three of these lads, going home meant a continuation of a life struggle. With Fred's approval, Ryan told Jim all about the horror of Fred's time in the mental institution. During the final week then Ryan, Jim, and Fred obtained special leave for an afternoon. They headed to a local pub to talk and drown sorrows.

The inside of the pub reflected a country style with exposed wood beams and a long bar area. The interior theme featured coats of arms from the Medieval era with accompanying crossed swords underneath. Being mid-afternoon, the bar wasn't busy, so they didn't have to wait or service.

Settling on a corner table Ryan and Jim waited while Fred went to the bar.

"I still can't believe what Fred went through; surely there should be some law against this horror. The fact that his own father allowed this to happen disgusts me. He should be whipped."

"Yeah I know Jimbo, but he don't know if his old man knew about the procedure, so it's hard to criticize him. Anyway, here's our grog."

"There ya are lads, three cold frothy glasses of Melbourne's best."

After each taking a large gulp, the three boys simply stared at each other. No one knew how to start dialogue. Then Ryan,

"What about you Fred, what d'yer intend to do from here?"

Before answering that question, Fred turned to Jim,

"( _Candidly)_ From what Ryan's told me, you're gonna just turn yer back on who you are , get a girlfriend and eventually marry. Have I got that right?"

"( _Hesitantly_ ) You make it sound bad, Fred. It's not simple, not like you make it sound."

"( _Contritely_ ) Sorry, didn't mean to dump on you. I got me own reasons, but I'd like to hear from you."

"( _Puzzling_ ) Wait there Froggie, you sound like you've made a decision about yer life. I didn't think you'd made any decision?"

"( _Abrupt_ ) Ryan, I think Fred and I are on a similar wavelength. ( _Quietly_ ) Let me answer Fred's question. We've all got reasons and it'll help us all if we share with each other."

"( _Annoyed_ ) go on."

'( _Large gulp of beer before turning to face Fred)_ In my culture homo blokes are called 'Sister Boys'. They are generally not accepted by the tribe, because the community protects its continuity with new births. Anyone who can't or worse, won't perform, is treated with hostility, because they are a danger to the clan's future. OK? Then add the fact that Europeans regard homosexuality as a crime, it doesn't take much imagination to understand homo aborigines have two strikes against them _.(After taking a drink Ryan grunted his_ _disagreement_ ) I have a personal problem ( _ignoring Ryan)_ in that I went to Grammar School on a scholarship and my people are watching me closely. They want to show we abbos are just as brainy as white folks. If I came out as a homosexual it would be devastating to the extended family."

"( _Hostile_ ) Oh for Christ's sake Jim, I've heard all this before and I'll say again that you mustn't let other people decide how you will live yer life. It's bullshit. _(Turning to Fred)_ Same goes for . . ."

"( _Abruptly_ ) Hold on Ryan, you can't lecture Fred and I about how we gonna live our lives. On the one hand you tell us that we shouldn't allow others to dictate how we're gonna live and then turn around and try and tell us what to do. Yer not makin' sense!"

( _Offhandedly_ ) yeah well, I guess I 'm guilty. I reckon you can't deny who you are. Never! Let me ask you Jim, are you a homo? And that goes for you too Froggie. C'mon, it's just us guys here and we're close friends. There's no need to hide the truth is there?"

Both Fred and Jim quailed at Ryan's directness. They were being asked to publicly declare themselves for the first time, and they simply weren't prepared. Jim recovered first, but before answering he drank heartily from his glass.

"( _Harshly_ ) Why do you need . . ."

( _Aggressive_ ) Don't you dare use the Socratic method on me Jimbo, remember I studied the great man just as you did. Don't bullshit me mate, just answer my question. No-one's gonna hear or be offended by you being honest. Let's all be candid and open, so we can have a frank discussion. In fact, here may be the last chance you'll ever have to be completely honest."

"( _Cautiously_ ) Sorry, ok, yes I prefer blokes; Ryan, I can't deny the feelings I had for you back at school nor can I deny that we indulged in sex. I also know I can't change how or who I am. So what? What does that matter? We don't live on an island with just the three of us . . ."

Fred went to make a snide remark, but Ryan . . .,

"( _Abruptly_ ) Can it Fred, this is no time for sleazy comments.

" . . . with just the three of us, we live in a world which dictates what behaviour is acceptable . And it goes one step further by declaring some activities illegal and punishable by getting' thrown inta jail. What choice do we have? ( _Staring at Ryan, then at Fred_ ) On one hand, if we choose to live illegally and bear the hostility of society, our lives will not be happy . . . they may even be shortened. On the other hand if we choose to adopt society's' rules by living a heterosexual life, the only problem that may arise is how do we control our basic urges? And that's you're point ain't it Ryan, how do we live in an underground, furtive culture?"

"( _Subdued_ ) Look it's my shout fellas. How about I get refills and I'll answer you when I get back.

When Ryan left, Fred asked Jim,

"I don't know how I could live knowing that two cultures were making me an outcast. Have you met any of these 'Sister Boys' as you called them?"

"Not many because they seem to go into hiding. To Aboriginals, survival of our culture and tribe are serious issues. Think about your own European codes of conduct, and imagine not conforming, I reckon it'd be hell ( _Fred nodded energetically_ ). Living life as a normal person and conforming to society, is a small discomfort believe me . . . ahh Ryan's back with the booze."

After initial gulps were taken, Ryan turned to Fred, and asked ,

"( _Direct_ ) What about you Froggie, are ya a homo?"

"( _Slowly_ ) I'd haveta say yes. I don't relate to girls in any way. I can't even find them pretty. The sight of a nude female makes me feel queasy. On the other hand touching, perving, and dreaming about boys gives me a real hardon, so hard I gets sore. ( _sigh_ ) I'm guilty sir, of being a 100 percent homo."

"( _Gently_ ) So all that aversion stuff didn't do zilch?

"( _Sadly_ ) No Jim, it didn't do anything except leave me with painful memories. As I told ya, the night time sex visits were the only good part. But getting back to your original question Ryan, how do we live furtively in an underground situation?"

"( _Questioning_ ) Ok but that's in the past. What I want to know about Fred, is have you decided how yer gonna live yer life from this point?"

" _(Carefully honest)_ So I'm in the spotlight now eh? I've thought about this for some time, I mean declaring meself as a homo. Coming from a Rural community and with a father who practically wrote the bible, my home and social life wouldn't exist. I'd have to move away, probably to Newcastle or even Sydney. No, scrub Newcastle, it's just a hick town. If I went to Sydney, well what then? I don't know anybody, I wouldn't know where to go to find like soul's, and probably would end up on the streets using me body for living expenses. Not very exciting ,eh? And then there's something else you blokes haven't raised yet. There was a fella called Allan Turing who broke the krauts enigma code in the last war and helped win the war. He got caught soliciting a youngster, indicted, went to trial, and then punished with chemical castration. Eventually he killed himself. If that's what the government does to its hero's, think what they'll do to us. Think."

Ryan and Jim remained silent thinking about Fred's last comment. If war heroes get treated like shit then there really is a problem.

( _teasing_ ) Alright Ryan you're up. Which way are you thinking?"

"( _Insistent_ ) No, Fred still hasn't told us how he's gonna live when he gets back home. C'mon Froggie, if you haven't given it much thought then now's yer chance."

"I think I just said didn't I? I'll haveta find a sheila that I can feel comfortable with and try and live . . . no Ryan, you asked me, so give me time to say me piece. I know it's gonna be difficult but when I look at me alternatives, like Jim, I don't have much choice. If I meet someone in the same circumstances as myself, then I may be able to have a clandestine relationship. But that's a forlorn hope."

Fred's comments subdued the group and silence reigned, accompanied by steady alcohol intake. Into the silence Ryan sighed,

"Well, I've been listening to both of you say you'll hide your true self in order to have a hassle free life. ( _Pause, long swallow)._ I suppose I can understand the way ya feel. Another problem yer haven't raised is religion. Those deadbeats, from whatever cult they'se called, are gonna get heavy against us homos. So we've got religion, the law, and society against us, right? You'se say it's too much, and we're better to play their game and deny who we are _(both Jim and Fred nodded_ ). Well, have you asked yerselves how yer gonna make this work?"

"( _Reasonably_ ) Sorry Ryan, I don't follow you. There ain't nuthin to work out. We'll get a girl, marry, have kids and, although I don't wanna admit it, have man-to-man sex whenever we're able. Maybe we won't even have to go looking."

"( _angry_ ) Jesus Jim you make me mad sometimes. Maybe fer a year or ten you can carry out this charade, but at some time yer body will start to crave sex with another bloke. It's just nature. Do you'se honestly believe a heterosexual bloke would ever want to have sex with another fella? No! they won't because they aren't built that way. Same as you'se. And let's say ya gets married and has kids. What gonna happen when ya gets the urge and hasta go lookin' fer a bloke for relief? Stumble around dimly-lit, foul smelling public toilet blocks. Hmmm? What say down the line ya split, get a divorce and leave wifey and young'uns. Their lives are gonna be ratshit! I bet ya haven't thought of that eh?"

A stunned silence greeted Ryan's outburst. As all glasses were empty, Jim gathered the empties silently and went back to the bar. Ryan watched as Fred, clearly shaken by his proposition, sat downcast, not looking him in the eye. When Jim returned the silence continued, until Jim,

"That's a negative picture you've painted Ryan. Frankly I don't know how to respond. ( _turning to Fred)_ What about you Fred, what have you to say to Ryan's scenario?"

"( _Almost tearful)_ Fuck, I don't know. Whatever way we turn it ain't good. I dunno what to do. ( _turning to Ryan)_ Maybe if ya told us what you're gonna do it might help."

Ryan marshalled his thoughts as he decided the best way to respond.

"You'd haveta meet Tony to understand. I suppose I got sumthin you blokes haint . . . a good and sexy man who loves me. I couldn't give him up just to satisfy society . . . I love him too much. The first thing we're gonna do is move in together. What we do in our own private place is no-one's business. He's about to become Captain of our local Surf Club and has a lotta respect. I also got some good standing amongst the club members, yeah, whatever that means. What I'm saying is, if we don't advertise our situation, then no-one will be the wiser. I may have a problem with me mum, but I'll handle that when I have to. Remember, it's not uncommon for bachelors to share rent, so no-one will twig. Of course we'll have to find sheilas that understand out possie and who'll let us escort them to social doings. We've already discussed this, and Tony has some ideas on approaching likely girls."

"( _Not Convinced) That_ sounds too 'chocolate boxy' for me. It's all too perfect Ryan. You reckon you can keep this charade up and nobody will notice? I don't see it; somewhere, somehow yer gonna give yerselves away and haveta live with the consequences. But then, I suppose it could work. Maybe, if I had someone like Tony, I'd be giving some thought to it, but, as of right now, I don't have anybody, so it ain't an option."

"Yeah Fred, I admit I'm lucky to have Tony; maybe that's the only difference between us three. Having said that, I'll never give up who I am just to satisfy some bigots, whether they be family, social, or government. Never! Now, let me ask you'se an important question. Do yer think you can have sex with a sheila and enjoy it?"

This invoked an awkward silence. Ryan had hit hard, down low, and dirty.

"Well, someone say sumthin. C'mon Fred, what about you?"

"I honestly don't know Ryan. I don't reckon you should be asking questions like that, it's too personal. I can't answer you _(turning to Jim)_ what about you Jim, can you answer?"

"( _Sigh_ ) Nope. Not because I haven't tried it because I have. I won't answer because it's too bloody personal. Back off Ryan."

"Ok, Ok, But you gotta think about it. I won't ask you Jim, if'n ya enjoyed fucking a sheila because I agree it's too personal. All I ask is you gotta think about it. It ain't gonna be a once only quickie and forget, you'll have to have sex with yer intended, day and night, month after month, and year after year. It's a bit hard fer homos to keep doin' it regular like. I know me and Tony have got a few embellishments to try and stop our sex life becoming boring. It's easy fer us because we can switch roles, you know, whose on top and whose the bottom. You don't have that choice with a sheila do yer?"

And so the banter went back and forth over a long and boozy afternoon. With the help of Doctor Alcohol, the three lads really opened up and talked about their personal situations. By six o'clock they were really pissed and managed to get back to base without disgracing themselves. The lads basically were saying goodbye to each other.

Ryan vowed he would never betray his true self and undertake to live a lifestyle the same that Jim and Fred proposed. At the passing out parade, the whole intake received praise from the Senior Group Captain and then they were discharged to prepare for homegoing.

## Chapter Nineteen

### 19.1

As soon as he opened the front door, a bundle of yelping, excited canine joy barrelled into him. Little Gus welcomed his master home.

"Down boy . . . hey there, ya missed me eh? Come here matey, let me pat ya and . . . no, not that Gus - boy, ya can 't have sex with me leg. Let go and I'll pick you up . . . there, how's that?"

"He missed you Ryan; he'd lay on your bed whenever he could, well whenever yer mother wasn't watching. Fact is I've been walking him and we've become good mates. Never thought I'd enjoy a dog so much. Welcome home son."

"Thanks dad, glad you two became good friends. As much as I missed you I also missed the little cove muchly."

"Here, let me look at you, all grown up and feisty. The Air Force obviously agreed with you. You look different, somehow more mature than when you left."

"Thanks Dad. I do feel a bit changed; it were good to . . ."

"Well welcome home son, I've missed you terribly; I've been so lonely without you. Just thinking about some girl doing nasty things to you has worried me so. Every boy needs his mother to protect him from the dangers of scheming young girls."

"Hello mother . . . what the fuck are you talkin about?"

"Language! I won't have such horrid words in this house. Seems this is a nasty habit you picked up in the army. I don't care what you do outside but in this house you may not swear."

"Christ Clare the lads just walked in the door after being away for six months, and all you can do is berate him. Oh and by the way, he was in the Air Force not Army."

"Whatever. Now how about I make us a nice cup of tea and you can tell us what you've been up to these past six months."

So Ryan settled down with his parents at the kitchen table and tried to brief them on life in the Air Force. Whilst his mother pretended to listen he could tell something was on her mind. He reckoned he'd find out soon enough. But his own thoughts had only one person in mind . . . Tony.

After spending two hours with his folks, Ryan headed to Tony's place. It was only early afternoon and Tony would probably be at school, so he resolved to wait. Retrieving the key from its secret spot, Ryan let himself into the condo. The familiar surroundings caused him to smile and Tony's unique aroma permeated through the condo brought back aching memories. He walked into the bedroom and stared at the double bed that had hosted many hours of intense lovemaking. The memory of Tony's perfect body being intimately joined to his, brought a swift response in his groin. He settled into a chair and simply waited.

He must have nodded off because he awoke to the sounds of a key turning the lock. The door swung open and there stood Tony. Still in his work outfit of cuffed pleated trousers, plain white shirt and loosened blue tie, he still managed to look gorgeous. In the past six months he'd lost a little weight but he'd replaced body mass with enhanced muscle. However it was still Tony. With that easy smile, black hair and blue eyes, the man's features were burned forever in Ryan's mind. He stared at the buttons of Tony's shirt, imagining undoing them to release the tanned muscled torso that he knew lay underneath. His mouth became dry.

And then,

"( _Excited_ ) Ryan! Ryan! Baby it's you."

With swift steps the two men met each other in a crushing embrace. No words were said, or indeed needed. They were lovers who had been forced to spend time away from each other and now re-united. The passion in their embrace told it's own story. It also told of each man's physical need for each other. Tony's hands slid up to Ryan's face and, cradling his head, he kissed Ryan deeply. As tongues fought for dominance and penetration, Ryan succumbed and let his lover dictate the next move.

Still co-joined at the hip, Tony grabbed the hem of Ryan's tee shirt and gently pulled it off. Ryan's familiar flesh and youthful aroma assaulted the older man. Now eager hands fiddled with Ryan's belt and fly zipper, sending his trousers plummeting to the floor. In a swift movement Ryan kicked off his shoes and the lowered trousers, standing now semi-naked in only his underwear.

" _(Whispering hoarsely_ ) Now it's your turn lover. Quickly, I can't wait. I want you, I need you, I must have you else I'll go crazy."

As he'd fanaticized, Ryan slowly undid Tony's shirt buttons exposing the perfect tanned, hairy, muscled chest beneath. The masculine aroma of sweat and lingering deodorant sent Ryan's senses into turmoil. First planting soft kisses on Tony's face, he started kissing his neck, then shoulders, and finally the hairy muscled cleft on his chest. Without stopping, his lips and tongue found Tony's right nipple and teased it. A low groan of ecstasy greeted his effort. Still suckling Tony's nipple, Ryan divested the shirt and then turned attention to his pants. At the same time he transferred attention to Tony's left nipple whilst sending Tony's pants to fall on the floor. One swift movement and they both stood against each other in only their underwear.

Both men were highly aroused and trembling with sexual desire, a need that only could be quenched by physical relief.

"( _Hoarsely_ ) take me Tony, please take me. So many sleepless nights imagining your body deep inside me. Please."

"( _Huskily_ ) Jesus Ryan sometimes I thought I'd go crazy just wanting . . . no, needing you. One thing that's burned into my mind is the look on your face as you orgasm. Y'see as much as I need to get personal relief, my main joy is giving you pleasure. That's what I've missed most. Now I have you. I have you Ryan in the flesh and I'm gonna send you to heaven. Here, put yer arms around my neck and hold on."

With Ryan's arms around him, Tony carried him into the bedroom. Gently removing his underwear, Tony gazed at the lad's beautiful body. The last six months had seen the growth of new hardened muscles and his torso now bore the stamp of a mature young male advancing to succulent manhood. Seductively, Tony lowered his boxers, allowing his penis to spring free. Impatiently, Ryan grabbed hold and lined the shaft up to the entrance of his hole. At a nod from Ryan, the slippery shaft sank easily into Ryan's body.

Both men reacted to the pleasure the penetration generated. Tony groaned and Ryan cried out in ecstasy. With Tony's thrusts tormenting his prostrate, Ryan knew he wouldn't last too long. In delirious joy he lay back holding Tony's eyes, and let his lover stroke him to orgasm.

Every thrust brought Ryan closer to culmination. Too soon he reached a point of no return and he simply relaxed as an orgasm consumed him. The ecstatic sensation started somewhere in his groin and travelled with maddening slowness throughout the rest of his body. It turned out to be the longest orgasm he'd ever had. About the same time Tony groaned and Ryan felt a flood of life fill him up.

The two lovers were cocooned in a pool of decadence. As slowly his orgasm abated Tony's cock remained hard and deep inside Ryan,. Ryan had never encountered such an orgasm before; it wouldn't stop and he lay back sexually comatose as waves of bliss coursed through him. Tony just watched in wonder as Ryan's unfocused, opaque eyes rolled back; he had passed beyond reality and succumbed to mind-numbing rapture.

Then the euphoria began to diminish and Ryan slowly came back to reality. Exhausted, the two men lay back side-by-side lost in the wonderment of what just happened.

"( _Throatily_ ) Wow, that was incredible. I dunno what happened because my orgasm seemed to last longer than I've ever experienced before. It were so intense I began to think it would never end. I don't reckon I'd survive many more of those. ( _Laughing_ ) Thank you little Tony, yer me second best mate."

"( _Joking_ ) Perhaps we should plan to be apart for several months in the times ahead. Our sex-life seems to improve with separation. ( _Giggling_ ) You should see your face when you climax, I thought yer eyes were gonna disappear . . . OUCH! That hurt."

"Yeah well don't make fun of me when I'm enjoying meself. Hand me that face towel, yer cum is pouring outta me. Geeze you shot a bucketful."

'I know, I've been saving it up for the last two weeks. The mornings were the worst; I'd wake up with a hardon after dreaming about you. Tempted as I was to relieve meself, I determined to wait until . . . well, you know."

"( _Serious_ ) I'm glad you did because I just love the feel of yer juice inside me. To me it's like glue binding our two souls together for all eternity. I'm serious Tony, I love you very much. I can't imagine life without you."

"Thank you, and I'll love you forever. Nothing is gonna put us apart. Ever."

Basking in each other's arms and in the after-glow of sex, they muzzled together letting their thoughts roam. Eventually Ryan spoke.

"( _Wistfully_ ) I 'spose I'll haveta think about going back to work at the Vet School. I'm not gonna do anything this week, I'll leave it till next Monday."

"Do yer still want to become a Vet?"

"Yes . . . maybe . . . I'm not sure. I haveta give it some thought. The years of study ahead put a damper on my plans. Spending time away from family, friends and love-ones in a new environment, mixing with different people, causes you to look at yer life and life's objectives in a new light. I know other blokes feel the same because we discussed the situation a lot. I'm not the same person I was six months ago. Maybe that's going too far, but I feel changed; seems like I've become a bit more mature."

"Yeah, you sure have. I noticed in our love making you knew what you wanted and went for it. Six months ago you were not so assertive. I love the new you."

Silence.

"What about us Tony, what's our next move?"

"( _Assertive_ ) Easy, I want you to move in with me fulltime. Knowing yer home situation, It's time you left the nest and forge yer own life. Staying with yer mother now ain't a good move. You'll be unhappy. It's time to move on boyo."

"I knows that. She'll kick up a stink but I don't have any obligation to her so there's no point in staying. Besides going to bed with you and waking up with you is all I ever want. At home I'll be unhappy, with you I'll be happy. No contest."

"( _Enthusiastic_ ) Great, then that's settled. We'll make up the spare bedroom to look like that's where you sleep. Shouldn't be too hard to avoid any suspicion."

"I can't wait. Give me a coupla days to let the news sink in at home, and I'm yours."

<><><><>

### 19.2

" . . . and where have you been and what were you doing to stay out all night? I've been sick just worrying about you. Is it too hard to pick up a phone and let me know where you are?"

"Don't shit me . . . "

"Language, Ryan. You know I won't tolerate bad language in this house. Seems you've acquired bad habits in the army . . . "

"Frankly I couldn't care less mother. If ya don't like the way I talk then that's your problem. Now I want to sit down with you and have a chinwag about . . ."

"Fine. I need to talk to you son about something really serious. It involves your father."

"( _Mystified_ ) What about me dad? Is there something wrong with him? Is he sick?"

"No, nothing like that. ( _sniffling_ ) I'm . . . I'm . . . Oh, this is so hard . . .

"Fer shit sake spit it out, mother, you've got me really worried."

. . . _(piercing Ryan with an angry stare_ ) I'm . . . I'm convinced he's having an affair. I'm so angry; after all the time I've given him, keeping our family together, cooking for him, cleaning for him, and washing his clothes, it angers me he'd treat me with contempt. All the time . . ."

"( _Indignant_ ) Hold on, are you saying my dad's having an affair with another sheila? What's yer proof?"

"It's just a feeling. A woman knows when her man is having an affair. Little things like finding receipts from coffee shops, a smell on his clothes caused by a fragrance that's not mine, and his general behaviour. I'm sure, and I want you to confirm it for me. I want you to watch out for anything suspicious. Do this for your mother, Ryan."

"( _Angry_ ) You want me to spy on me own dad? No way! How could you ask me to do such a thing? ( _furious_ ) Are you outta yer mind? Why don't ya ask him yourself?"

"( _Indignant_ ) Because he'd lie to me. That's the sort of coward your father is – a lying coward. ( _Sneering_ ) Also he's too afraid to tell me, because he knows I'd kick him out and he hasn't anywhere to go. He's pathetic he is. In fact I feel like sending him on his way so he and that trollop can enjoy the rest of their sinful lives together."

"Bloody hell! . . ."

"Language!"

"Fuck off! _(loud breath intake from his mother)_ Let me be clear. I'm not gonna spy on me own Dad. Whatever the problem is it's between you and him. Leave me outta it. Fact is I don't really blame him, because the way you've treated him over the years, I'm glad he's found someone else to share his life. That's of course if it's true – which I doubt. You've made our lives hell mother, and it's about time you got back some of yer own medicine. I say good on 'im – if it's true of course."

"( _Whining_ ) that's a horrible thing to say to your mother. Do you think I've enjoyed being at home looking after house and family. I've given my young life to this family and all I get in return is insults. You're too like your father but you're all I have now, so we'll just have to make the best of it. ( _sniffling_ ) Now, what did you want to talk to me about?"

"Nothing just forget it. Not now, it'll keep."

<><><><>

### 19.3

Sitting relaxed in the pub beer garden, Bill Seaton watched his son make way through the throng towards his table. Every so often he'd be stopped by acquaintances and friends welcoming him back from Nasho. Ryan Seaton was a popular boy and Bill was proud of his son.

Look at him, tanned, strongly muscled , relaxed, with that easy laugh and smile. It's no wonder women flock to him. My baby boy has grown up; the six months away has matured him . He's exuding self-confidence and happiness. I hope he finds a nice girl to settle down with; at least to get him away from the shitty place called home. I only wish I could've stood up to his mother and make his life easier. (Sigh) Where did it all go wrong? Clare Fitzgerald, in her youth, was attractive, very sexy and I let my cock rule my head. How she turned from a good-looking young woman to the crude witch now presently, is a mystery. It's partly my fault because I let her get away with being a bitch and now we're all suffering the consequences. (sigh) I hope Ryan isn't too upset when I tell him what's happening. He's old enough now to understand, even if it upsets him. (remembering) You know the person I miss is old Merle. Boy did we have some clashes over the years; I actually enjoyed mixing it with her. At least she could see that her daughter was a bit phsyco, apparently even as a youngster. According to Merle, Clare was Old Paddy's favourite and she got spoilt rotten. Why is it us blokes let women rant and rave, making life unpleasant for their nearest and dearest. Well, it's mute now, I can't take it any longer and I've made up me mind to . . . ah, here comes the boy.

"G'day Dad, yer glass is near empty so I'll go and get both of us some newbies. Ya drink Resches still? _(Bill nodded)_ OK, I'll be back in a tick."

Arriving at the bar, Ryan was surprised to see Tony front up. Obviously he'd just arrived.

"How'd it go with yer mum. Is she Ok with yer moving out?"

"( _Angry_ ) Shit man, yer wouldn't believe it. She suspects me old man is having an affair and asked me to spy on him. I didn't get a chance to talk to her about moving out, she . . . ."

"( _Laughing_ ) So she won out again eh? Your mother's as slippery as an eel and as cunning as a randy fox. Tell me quickly what happened; I know you've gotta go back to yer father and have a talk."

Quickly Ryan went over the conversation he had with his mother, or rather the conversation his mother had with him.

"Alright boyo, thanks for filling me in. Best you get back to yer Dad now. We'll catch up later. Good luck."

Ryan returned to his father and set two large beers down on the table.

"Thanks son, ummm, what was the beer like down in Melbourne?"

"( _Eagerly_ ) Actually not too bad. They don't have big glasses like we do here, so it took some time getting used to the small sizes. After a while ya get used to them, and ya can still get really pissed drinking small servings. One of me mates was a cove called Jim Tandara, he's sorta part abbo, but he really could really drink me under the table. Anyway, cheers."

For several minutes Ryan filled his father in on his time in Nasho, and by the time he'd finished they were both a little pissed and relaxed. A pause, and Ryan cleared his throat.

"Dad, I got something to tell ya _(his father looked concerned_ ). It's about mum. Well, it's about Mum and you. She . . . ahh . . . she, ahhh . . . wants me to spy on yer 'cause she thinks yer havin' an affair with another sheila. I told her I'd never do that because . . . hey, what's so funny?"

Bill Seaton had started to laugh and this confused Ryan. He expected his dad to be angry instead he was actually laughing. After a few moments his dad took a swig of beer and looked at Ryan.

"Well son, it's true. _(Ryan sat back in confusion_ ) It's what I wanted to talk to you about to-day. _(clearing his throat)_ The short version is that Linda Cree and I have been seeing each other for a while, even before you went into Nasho. _(Ryan leaned forward to respond but his dad waved him to silence_ ) I'm gonna tell you things I probably should've told you before because this story goes way back. ( _pause_ ) Y'see, Linda and I were lovers early on and I would've married her except I . . . well, your mum got prego with you . . . (pause) . . .

. . . gawd, I can't tell the boy that I loved Linda more than his mum. It weren't be fair. Me being a fuckwit, I just got them both prego at around the same time. I hadda make a quick decision. As it turned out it were the wrong decision, but that's something I can't say to the lad. I just hope he don't ask too many tough questions.

Now don't go getting frothy about you being a mistake. Not true, because I sorta loved yer mum bit more than I did Linda ( _pause_ ) The thing is Linda and I had a kid . . . and the kids name is Bert Cree _.(Ryan choked)._ Yep son, Bert Cree is yer half-brother."

"( _Stunned_ ) I . . . I . . . fuck'n hell! That fuckwit Bert . . . the one I've been facing up to all these years, is . . . is . . . me brother?"

"Well, he's yer half-brother, but that's splitting hairs. Believe me, Bert Cree is my son."

"( _Confused_ ) Wait . . . wait . . . how d'yer know it's . . . he's yours. Why wouldn't he be Fred's kid?"

"Because Fred's infertile, he fires blanks. There's no way he can have kids."

"( _More confusion_ ) But . . . but, what about Geoff and his sister. They're Fred's kids . . . aren't they?"

"No, they're adopted. Linda wanted a bigger family so's Fred wouldn't feel too useless. But the bastard, who incidentally knows about Bert being my son, used Bert to get back at me through you. He poisoned the kid into hating you, knowing it'd upset me. That's how he got back at me."

"( _Bewildered_ ) But . . . but, ya can't really blame him can ya? After all, you fucked his wife . . . "

"( _Scolding_ ) Hey, watch yer language. I know you're confused but show some respect. No ones perfect Ryan, at the time Linda and I had strong feelings for each other, so it weren't some sleazy act in a cheap hotel room. You gotta consider the times Ryan; we were borne at the end of the Great War but had to suffer through the Depression in 1929. Life was hard and not too many laughs. We just took our fun whenever we could. ( _Earnestly_ ) It's me who's at fault and it's something I've had to live with for a long time. I know it must've been hard for Fred but what's done is done, there isn't a right or wrong – it's just history and we have to move on."

( _Rebuking_ ) Hard on Fred? That's all you can say it's 'hard on Fred'! I reckon if I were in the same position I'd be devastated. To know that yer first born belongs to the bloke next door would be distressing, and that's an understatement. ( _pause_ ) Wow, this is incredible! I know I have to believe, but it's really hard and really unfair. Look at all the people this has touched. First Fred Cree, then Bert, then Mrs Cree, then my mum, then me. I'm sorry dad, I can't get much sympathy for you and Mrs Cree . . . I can't."

"( _Intensely_ ) And I'm not asking for sympathy. Looking back, yes we done wrong, but at the time we were lovers. The mistake I made was not marrying Linda but to marry yer mother instead. In hindsight I realize now I never really loved your mum, Ryan. Y'see I was only just a bit older than you and pretty stupid. If I could go back and change what happened I would, but . . . you know, I can't. You'll learn soon enough, we all have to move on and let mistakes of the past, stay in the past. ( _pause_ ) Now we both need a refill so I'll go and get them."

"Dad, I'm in a state of . . . well, I don't know, maybe confused; how about you get me a whiskey chaser to go with the brew."

"( _Smiling_ ) You got it, I'm a bit the same so's I'll get one for each of us."

Ryan sat back musing about his dad's news.

_Bloody hell, what a turn-up. Bert Cree me half-brother, and Geoff adopted. Why do I feel sorry for Fred Cree? I mean, who wouldn't; it musta been hard to swallow, first knowing yer were shooting blanks and then finding out yer son wasn't yours after all. I don't blame him for being upset, but he was wrong to use Bert as revenge. (sudden thought) Hey, does Bert know he's dad's son? A good question, I'll ask dad. Wow what a story, what a twist. Wait there, he's only said he and Mrs Cree were now seeing each other again, so what does that mean. I reckon there's more to come. Maybe with me dad being so vulnerable perhaps I should tell him about me being a homo. Should I? . . . I dunno, Dad's revelation is too big . . ._ (interrupted thought trend _)_

Ryan paused as he remembered,

Ryan I want you to promise me you'll never, and I repeat never, tell anyone you're a homo. I'm serious Ryan, don't ever let anyone find out you're a homo. Look what's happened to me, my life is over, I'll be castigated wherever I go. Promise me, as one blood brother to another, you'll never admit being a fagott . . . promise me, please mate, promise me."

The memory was too recent and too raw.

_. . . (_ resuming his thought trend _) Dad's revelation is too big to go off on another tangent. No, I'll wait until I know the times right. I'll talk to Tony but I'm sure he'll agree with me. Shit Bert Cree me brother sorta, and Geoff adopted. Actually it makes sense because I remember thinkin' that Geoff didn't fit into the Cree household, not in looks nor disposition. I wonder If'n he knows . . ."_

"Here y'are. Two fresh pints and whiskey chasers. Cheers son ( _they both downed the whiskey and took a large gulp of beer)_. I suppose you've been thinking about stuff, so c'mon let's have it."

"Well, two things; first, what next for you and Mrs Cree, and second, does Bert know he's your son?"

"( _Thoughtfully_ ) Yeah well firstly we're gonna split and hopefully enjoy the time left to us. You know I've been unhappy Ryan, and it's getting worse. I can't stand yer mother any more and to try and cope, I've taken to booze. If I stay on it's just gunna get worse, and not just for me, it'll get worse for you. I'm sure yer mother will be pleased to see the last o' me _(Ryan went to interrupt)_ . . . no, let me finish and then you can have yer say. With Linda she reckons Fred's getting really agro and she's scared he may bash her around a bit. She's gonna take Geoff and the little one with her . . ."

"( _Sharply_ ) Stop there! Yes, I understand you've been unhappy and yes, mum'll probably get worse, but maybe the cures worse than the ailment. Have you thought about me, have you thought about Bert, and have you thought about mum? Not to forget Geoff. Yer talking about a major family upheaval that's gonna affect a lotta people. Are you sure the consequences are worth the move?"

"Well let's talk about you. You know the atmosphere at home now, and how it's been getting worse over time ( _Ryan nodded)_ . If I remove myself, life can only get better _(Ryan started to interject, but hesitated)_ for you. You can settle down and have a happy relationship with me and your mum if'n we're separate and . . .

Spot on. I haveta admit I've thought the same plenty o' times.

_._ . . you can come and stay with me in a happy home environment. Linda likes you Ryan, I guess Geoff's been bending her ear and she can't wait to get closer to you. Also, you get on with Geoff so you two being closer will work out fine. Having said that, I don't know how Fred and your Mother will react. In a way that's not too important because they'll just haveta deal with it. Keep in mind Linda and I are only doing this because our current marital situations are bad and getting worse. I'm not trying to excuse myself or Linda; our present unhappy marriages have become untenable."

Silence. Then,

"( _Probing_ ) Ok, so where are ya gonna live? Will it be close by so I can come visit, or are you moving far away say, in another state?"

"( _Hastily_ ) No, no, we've already found a home down Manly way, just a few minutes by bus. No, I wouldn't do that to you Ryan because I want to play a bigger part in your life than I've been doing. I love you very much, and . . .

Will you still love me when I tell you I'm a homo?

. . . want to make up for all the lost years. That's if you'll let me or even want me. I'm so proud of you mate. It's a privilege to be yer dad."

All of a sudden Ryan felt his eyes becoming moist. How he'd longed for his parents to tell him they loved him. Now his dad was telling him he was loved. It just couldn't get any better.

"( _Sniffling_ ) Thanks Dad. You don't know how much I needed to hear you say that, I hope ( _choke_ ) . . . ummm, thanks anyway."

Silence as the two men thought about what had been said. Then his father continued.

"You asked whether Bert knows he's my son? I simply don't know. Linda couldn't bring herself to tell him and I'm certain Fred wouldn't say anything. If ya think learning Bert Cree's yer half-brother is a shock, imagine how it'll affect Bert when he finds out. I made Linda promise she'd tell him before the split. I know she will, and it's gonna be hard on him. _(Bill Seaton paused and took a large swig)_ Son, I know this is all a big shock and I certainly don't expect you to accept what I've said without misgivings. It's a big step for all of us, but let me assure you, in the end it'll all work out grand. You'll be an important part of a happy family and yer mum will be free to ( _laughing_ ) take up with some of those horny footballers she's so attracted to. I hope, in the long run, you don't judge me too harshly. I believe what I'm doing is right; I call it being 'wisely selfish'."

By now the glasses were empty again so Ryan headed to the bar. Tony looked up from his conversation with another bloke and used his eyebrows to ask if Ryan wanted to talk. With a soft shake of his head Ryan said 'no'. He'd fill Tony in later. On his return, and by mutual consent, both Ryan and his Dad changed the subject and just talked about general stuff. An election loomed and Ryan had to vote for the first time. They spent part of the rest of the afternoon discussing politics.

Of course Ryan was not to know that his conversation with his dad would have consequences – bad consequences.

## Chapter Twenty

### 20.1

" . . . you're kidding, wow, it's hard to believe. I mean yer Dad is such a quiet cove, he's be the last I'd suspect having an extra-marital affair. I mean that's one thing, but learning Bert Cree's yer half-brother, takes my breath away. Who'd 'a thought?"

Tony sat back completely stunned as Ryan related his talk with his father. Luckily, they were having a quiet beer at the clubhouse the morning after, so no-one could interrupt.

"( _Softly_ ) Yeah I were speechless, completely dumbfounded. Like you I never thought me Dad the type to have an affair. I must admit I'm not entirely happy about . . ."

"( _Admonishing_ ) Oh wait there c'mon, you told me he was unhappy, so unhappy that he tried to top himself. Frankly, having met yer mum, it's a wonder he didn't split long ago. Look we're all human Ryan, it's a relatively short life so why wouldn't he try and salvage some happiness where he can. No different from you and I, we want to be happy even if'n it's gonna upset some people. Nothing different we're doing to what he's doing. Good luck to him."

"( _Chuckling_ ) Y'know that's why I love you Tony Gordon. _(Giving Tony a swift kiss on his cheek)_ You see the important issues without being clouded by matters that are unimportant. I wouldn't've related back to you and I, but yer right, we're no different. Thanks fer that."

"So when's this gonna take place; I mean him telling yer mum. Fuck me, would I love to be listening in to that. Yer mum's not gonna take it very well, is she?"

"( _Apprehensive_ ) No, and I think he's telling her about now. Wouldn't be surprised to see me dad down the pub later tying one on. I suppose, at the same time, this Linda Cree is telling that shit-face Fred Cree that it's all over? Shit, what about Bert? What d'yer think he's gonna do finding out his hero pa ain't his pa after all? Christ what a mess. I need another drink."

After getting a refill Ryan sat back down. Tony fixed Ryan with a stare that Ryan knew presaged a rap over the knuckles.

"( _Irritated_ ) So you didn't get a chance to tell yer pa about us, or more correctly, you? There again I suppose the timing wasn't right, eh?"

"( _Chastened_ ) Yeah, sorry. It just seemed that me dad's problems were bigger than me bein' a homo. Ok, ok, I chickened out. Are ya gonna spank me?"

"( _Laughing_ ) Christ no, you'd enjoy it too much. So when?"

"I just wanna see how me mum takes the news first. I'm not too concerned about dad because in a way we're on the same level of . . . in a word, culpable."

"Ok, but not a word I'd chose. D'yer want to call home before you head into the cesspool?"

"( _Cautiously_ ) Nah, I'll finish this and head off. I just wanna get it all over. I just wanna move in with you so we can start living our lives properly. I love you, Tony. The time in Nasho totally convinced me that you're my man – if I wasn't convinced before."

<><><><>

### 20.2

#### "WHAT!"

Clare Seaton jumped up from the kitchen table, knocking her chair backwards. Although it being a warm day outside, the temperature in the kitchen had dropped suddenly.

"WHAT! WHAT DID YOU SAY? I'm not hearing proper."

" _(Surprisingly calm)_ I'm leaving Clare, I'm leaving this house and going to live elsewhere, and you can't stop me."

"( _Threatening_ ) LEAVE ME? THAT'S BULLSHIT. YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME BECAUSE I'LL MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL. WHY?"

"( _Strident_ ) I said I've had enough of our suppose marriage and I'm leaving. I've found someone else to share me life, someone who makes me happy, who loves me, and cares for me. All of which I can't or won't get from you Clare. You've turned this home, our marriage, and indeed our lives, into misery. I can only hope Ryan comes to his senses and also leaves. The sum total of the situation is that you've made living here, hell. I WANT OUT!"

"( _Emotional_ ) OH no you're not. You're not leaving because I'D NEVER, EVER, GIVE YOU A DIVORCE. So you can tell your fancy-woman she'll not get her hands on you – EVER!"

"Getting married ain't on the agenda, so's you can keep calling yerself Mrs Seaton if that's what you want. It's only a word and frankly, with you and I, it don't mean anything."

With that Clare Seaton launched herself at her husband yelling,

"YOU BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU, I'LL MAIM YOU, I'LL MAKE SURE YOU AND YOUR SLUT DON'T HAVE A SECOND OF PLEASURE. I'LL . . ."

For several moments the two adults struggled with each other. Bill tried to ward her off but she was energised by rage, and nearly overpowered him. Eventually, she slumped to the floor wailing,

"( _Pitifully_ ) W-a-a-a-. What's gonna happen to me? ( _SOB_ ) I'll be all alone with only Ryan to comfort me. All my life . . . ( _pause_ ) all my life . . . all I've ever done is to make a happy home . . . and . . . and, this is how I get repaid. Left alone with my best years behind me. I won't . . . _(a thought came to her_ ) OHH, you're gonna pay, and pay dearly for this. I'll make sure to bleed you dry, both of you. You'll both be sorry ( _then_ _changing her tone)_ Please Bill . . . please don't do this. If I've been a bad girl I'll change. Please I'll promise to make it better; just don't leave me , please."

"There's no point in pleading Clare. It's over! We're over! I've waisted too many years on you, so now I'm going with someone who, not only loves me, but can give happiness. All you offer is misery . . . and more misery. No, no more; enough is enough. I'll not leave you penniless, but my main financial responsibility from no on is to my new partner."

"( _Snarling_ ) You selfish bastard, what about your son, he needs his father around to care for him. Not some drunk who disappears down the pub every weekend. He'll be devastated . . ."

"( _Deriding_ ) Save it Clare, I've already talked to Ryan and I think he's accepted my moving out. Frankly, I hope he does the same, because if he stays at home he'll be more miserable than he is now. You use emotional blackmail Clare, and sooner, rather than later, you'll squash him. For your info, we had a good talk yesterday and he's accepted the situation. Of course he'll spend time with me in my new home; I've made adequate provision for him. For once he'll have a happy home to enjoy."

"( _Enraged_ ) WHAT! You've gone behind my back and talked to my son about leaving me? YOU BASTARD!. YOU BLOODY BASTARD! I'll sue you for mental and emotional cruelty. Yes, that's what . . ."

"( _Laughing_ ) You've got to be kidding. It's you who should be charged with cruelty. Over the years your whinging, whining, emotional crap has made us all wretched. God, I'm gonna be so glad to get away from you. Anyway, that's all past history. Tomorrow I'm just going to pack up and . . ."

At that moment the back door flew open, nearly pulled off it's hinges, and an ugly, venomous Fred Cree came storming into the kitchen. Violence was writ all over his face and posture.

"YOU FUCKIN' BASTARD! YOU SLIMY CUNT! I'M GUNNA . . ."

Bill Seaton and Clare stood stock-still with shock as a snarling Fred advanced on Bill. Then he punched him in the guts and when he doubled over in agony, swung a vicious uppercut that caught Bill square on the chin, sending him to the floor. For good measure he kicked him as he lay on the ground.

"THERE CUNT ( _THUMP_ ) THIS IS WHAT'S ( _THUMP_ ) OWED FOR STEALING ME MISSUS AND ME KIDS. I SHOULDA SORTED YOU OUT LONG AGO, BASTARD!"

Bill Seaton lay on the floor moaning in obvious pain. The abruptness of the attack left him defenceless, and for the time being, immobile. However Clare Seaton recovered quickly,

"( _Sneering_ ) So it's your wife who's turned traitor. I might have known, bloody hell, Linda Cree the slut. Wait till . . ."

"DON"T you say another word, Clare. I know what a bitch you are; if you'd been a better wife maybe this shit wouldn't have happened. ( _Sobbing_ ) I still love . . ."

He started to cry. What a tabloid was presented. Bill Seaton on the floor moaning in agony, Clare Seaton standing over him sneering, and big Fred Cree standing upright with clenched fists bawling like a baby. Messy.

Then without the same fanfare he entered, Fred Cree deflated; all the fight went out of him. Still crying, he left the same way he came in.

The atmosphere next door was no better. Geoff and his sister were coming to grips with being adopted. In many ways Geoff wasn't surprised because he'd always felt different from the Cree family. Of course he loved his mother and his father, but well, something wasn't right. Now it all made sense. He also knew the relationship between his parents wasn't good and getting worse. His dad being a big man and given to sudden fit's of rage, he worried about his mother's safety. In a way, the whole move became a necessity.

Shit what a morning. When me mum broke the news to us about being adopted I wasn't fazed. Without consciously knowing about it, I'd always felt different. I mean I loved me mum but Dad was always a mystery. I didn't even look like him and, as to disposition, I never felt any similarity. Wow, what a rumble, it's hard to get me head around all that's been said. So were gonna go live with mum and Ryan's dad. That's great because it'll mean Ryan and I will get closer. Hey, hey! Yeah but Geoffry old son, where do yer loyalties lay? To mum or to Dad? Shit, shit. I mean he never did me any wrong so I can't abandon him completely. The bugger's goin' through shit right now and it'd be churlish 'o me to just walk away. Nah, that's not me. I'll go find him and sit awhile . . .

CRASH! . . . a loud noise next door.

_Shit! What were that?_ _That come from Ryan's place. I wonder . . . (Raised voices from next-door) . . . Gawd, that sounds like me Dad. What's he doin' at Ryan's place? Oh fuck, sounds like fighting, must be a biffo between me Dad and Ryan's Dad. Geeze I hope Ryan's not involved. Man-o-man, what a bloody mess. And where's Bert?_

The one person in this human tragedy who rightly deserves sympathy was Bert Cree. Before his mother told the other two they'd been adopted, his mum had tearfully told him his real father was Bill Seaton. At first he refused to believe it and straightway sought out his dad. Well, who'd he always thought were his dad. Fred Cree, himself suffering from shock, didn't even respond when Bert asked the question. Without any denial, the question was resolved in the positive. Shattered, he slunk away and holed himself in his fathers garden shed. A crushed young man, who now sat, in the dark, atop his dad's Victor mower.

He just started crying and let the tears flow.

FUCK!

His crying turned into racking sobs. There was nothing he could do to control his pain. This was no time to be stupidly brave, because his trauma had cut too deep.

PLEASE, PLEASE!

The darkness closed around him like a cocoon and, oblivious to the outside world, he crashed emotionally.

Silence, broken only by the sounds of misery. His thoughts were jumbled and filled with pathos.

(silent tears) Is it true? It can't be true. I'm definitely my dad's son. We're so close, aren't we?. Always have been. How can I belong to someone else. NO! NO! NO! Me dad taught me to fish, to look after meself in a stouch, to look trouble in the eye. He brought me up to be a man, to have respect, to love me mum and siblings. (Sob, sob) I luv him, no I worship him. He's the best dad a bloke can have, no-one can ever replace him. I won't allow anyone else to replace him or say something bad about him. I'll run away, that's what I'll do, I'll run away if I'm forced to live without me dad . . . to live with Ryan Seaton's dad. (pause)(continued crying) . . . Seaton's dad! NEVER! NEVER! NEVER! Me Dad didn't deny not being me pa, so it must be true. (choke) But I'll never acknowledge the other cunt as me dad, nor that shit-faced Seaton kid as me half-brother. FUCK'EM! I've only one Dad, the one who I've idolized from a youngster. Nothing anyone can say or do will change that. Wherever he goes so will I. I'll not live with that slut of a mother she turned out to be. (Crying) I HATE HER! Seems she musta opened her legs to anyone passing by. UGH! How could she let that drunkard next door defile her body?. . . That's settled then, I'm gonna stay with me dad always. Him and I can work it out because we love each other. I'm never gonna acknowledge Seaton as me father, and as for Seaton's son, I hate him all the more.

<><><><>

### 20.3

She sat immobile waiting. The shock of her husband's announcement had left her strangely listless. There was something lethargic in the way she sat at the kitchen table, almost as if her life-force had deserted her, leaving only a shell in its wake. Here she sat, in her late thirties, devoid of any emotion . . . except terror. She was frightened because she hadn't seen this coming, hadn't been prepared for the horror she now faced – alone.

Ryan will be home soon and we'll have a long talk. What did the bastard say? Something about recommending that Ryan, my only child, leave home as well. No, he wouldn't do that, he wouldn't leave his mother all alone to face life in an empty house. (crying softly) All my life, yes all my life, I've struggled to make a home for my husband and son. I've been a success, just ask the ladies at our tennis club how they praise me on being such a good wife and mother. Everyone knows the difficulties I've had and how I've struggled through grim times. There's always been food on the table, a clean house, and clean clothes. All this done without any praise or recognition of my labour. No one knows . . . are, here his is, Ryan's home . . .

"( _Timidly_ ) Is that you Ryan? Come in son I'm in the kitchen."

Fearfully and anxiously Ryan closed the front door behind him and entered the kitchen. His mother sat quietly at the table drinking tea. She looked terrible. All her make-up was blotchy, her mascara had run down her cheeks, and her eyes were red-rimmed. He knew straight-away it's all an act to gain sympathy, a prelude to applying emotional blackmail.

Gawd I can see right through her, she's like the little kid that cried 'wolf' too often. (Sigh) but she's still me bloody mother, I'll just have to put up with it until I can split.

Mother and son faced each other across the kitchen table; one person dripping with misery and the other fearful. Clare allowed silence to grow so Ryan could appreciate the torment she suffered.

"( _stifling a sob_ ) Well I learned the bastard told you yesterday that he's deserting us. You should've told me so I could've prepared myself, Ryan. It was such a shock I nearly died from heart failure. Here, feel my heart-beat; it's still beating so fast I still could have a heart attack any moment. At my age . . ."

" _(Tensely)_ Mother, I have something to say, and it's very difficult for me, very difficult to . . ."

" _(Ignoring Ryan)_ Well, I just want you to know we'll be ok. That horrible man will still have to contribute to this family. Of course, we'll have to economise to make ends meet. I'm thinking of taking in washing to earn extra money so with that, and your board money, we should be Ok. Also there's Bingo. I've always been good at Bingo and from time to time I'm sure I'll win a meat tray or even a basket of vegetables. I've been sitting here . . ."

"( _Mildly annoyed_ ) Mother, I don't want to talk about that, I want to talk about my life and my future. Y'see it's about time I left home and started living for myself. As you know, I'm still focussed on becoming a vet which is gonna . . ."

" _(Staring into space_ ) It may even be possible for me to get a part-time job, something so the hours are not too long and I can still visit with my friends. You must understand that It's important for me to keep up social appearances . We don't want the world to know what a low-life your father is, do we? But believe me I'm going to tell the world what a slut is Linda Cree, sneaking behind my back, seducing . . ."

" _(Getting frustrated)_ Mother, stop it! I'm not interested in your bloody friends and you brutalizing Mrs Cree. I'm trying to tell you I want to leave home . . ."

" _(Thinking out loud)_ Of course there's your uncle, he will help. Over the years he's done nothing to help us. Look at what happened to your Grandmother, he fostered her on us and didn't lift a finger to help us financially . . ."

"( _Anger_ ) SHIT MOTHER, STOP IT!"

"( _Gasp_ ) Ryan, I've warned you before, I won't have any foul language in this house. I'm sure you get it off your father because . . ."

"( _determined_ ) Stuff it! I'm old enough to swear as much as I want, and if you don't like it, that's your problem. NOW SIT THERE AND LISTEN, ( _his mother, with mouth agape, sat back_ ). I need to leave home and strike out on me own. I'm over eighteen now, so I can leave. Being away by meself in Nasho did me a world of good because I realized I'm old enough to make me own decisions, even though some may be wrong. I'm no longer under your protection. I know it's gonna be hard on you mum, but me minds made up. Of course if you have any money . . ."

( _Screeching_ ) DON'T, PLEASE DON'T, PLEASE DON'T SAY ANYTHING MORE! LOOK _, (placing her hands over her ears)_ I'M NOT LISTENNING. I CAN'T HEAR YOU, SON."

( _Resolute_ ) You can hear me well enough, mother. Don't play yer silly games with me, because I can see right through you. I'se done pandering to yer emotional stuff. I can still remember the day you faked yer suicide. Not something I'll forget, ever. I talked with Tony . . ."

"( _Whining_ ) NO, ( _crying_ ) NO, _(standing up_ ) NO! You can't leave me, please don't leave me son ( _Bawling_ ) please don't leave me all alone, please ( _Sobbing_ ). If you do I'll just have to kill myself because I couldn't face life alone. ( _Screaming_ ) IT'S NOT RIGHT! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS? ( _then_ _Whining_ ) All my life I've been focussed on providing a happy home and making sure there's good food on the table. ( _Carping_ ) )You and your father are ungrateful wretches, you've taken the best years of my life and never given me anything in return. NOTHING. D'you hear me, noth . . ."

"( _scornful_ ) Oh come off it you silly woman, that's not true. I for one have always thanked you and even protected you in fights between you and dad. What did you give me in return? nothing but an unhappy house. And as to yer claim to that you've looked after me, that's simply a duty of every parent. That's not a biggie, caring for me is your responsibility that's all."

"( _Outraged_ ) THAT"S ALL? Is that all you can say . . . that's all. Wait until you're married and have kids. Just wait and see what a drain it is on your time . . .

"( _interjecting_ ) Well, that's just not gonna happen is it?"

. . . and your pocket. You have no idea what it costs to raise kids. You talk of responsibility; the more you're responsible for your kids the less time you have to . . . _(suddenly remembering Ryan's interjection_ ) what did you mean when you said, 'it's just not going to happen'. Why would that be? Is there something I need to know? Of course your going to get married and have kids. Everyone does that!"

The time had come, his mother had made an opening, and Ryan was just about to let it all hang out, when

. . . Ryan I want you to promise me you'll never, and I repeat never, tell anyone you're a homo. I'm serious Ryan, don't ever let anyone find out you're a homo. Look what's happened to me, my life is over, I'll be castigated wherever I go. Promise me, as one blood brother to another, you'll never admit being a fagott . . . promise me, please mate, promise me . . .

. . . he remembered Tommo's entreaty. So instead,

"I mean it ain't gonna happen soon because I'm too young. I can't afford to get married, not for a long time, that's all."

For a short time his mother just looked at him and didn't look convinced by his response. But anyway,

"( _going for the jugular_ ) Well that's it isn't it. If you can't afford to get married, you can't afford to leave home. Be reasonable son, I know at your age boys want to leave home and strike out on their own. That's fine, but you have to be able to afford to pay rent and household expenses. By your own admission, you can't."

"( _Gleefully_ ) Oh but I can. I'm going to share with someone. I've done me sums, and I can afford to share . . ."

"( _sneering_ ) Oh yeah, tell me who're you going to share with? Who'll take on a youngster like you, whose only on an apprentice's wage. WHO?"

"( _cheekily_ ) Me mate Tony. He's split with his missus and has plenty of room; you know Tony, it's not as if he's a stranger to you. He's been real good to me."

"( _snidely_ ) Oh, I bet he has. Frankly your relationship to Mr Gordon has become very suspicious. It seems he spends a lot of time with you. One of my friends in our Tennis Club asked me outright if your liaison with Mr Gordon was healthy. Her husband's also a member of the Surf Club, and the word is that you and him spent a lot of time huddled together. Rather than living with him, I'm going to insist you break your link altogether. As a mother . . .

Shit! Shit! Where did that come from. She suspects but actually knows nothing, so I don't need to give fuel to her hunches. I have to talk with Tony as soon as possible.

"( _angry and incensed)_ That's disgraceful; to try and turn our friendship into something dirty. Shame on you mother, you'd rather listen to some sleazy gossip from some frustrated and bored housewife than yer own son. You should be ashamed of yerself."

"Whatever. I'm demanding that you stop seeing Tony Gordon immediately. IMMEDIATELY, you hear!"

"( _Stubborn_ ) And I'm telling you go fuck yerself, and that also goes for yer harpy tennis fiends."

"( _Outraged_ ) How dare you use that language and call my friends names. You're heading for a fall mister. Anyway, your association with Tony Gordon is to end, now!"

"( _heated_ ) And I'm telling you to piss off. I don't take orders from you anymore. Piss off mother!"

With that Ryan stormed out, leaving his mother fuming and intent on harm.

Oh no, no, no! I'll keep him home at any cost. He'll not leave home except to marry a nice girl, that I approve of, and give me grandchildren. I'll not stop until I get my way. I'll fight hard and I'll fight nasty.

## Chapter Twenty One

### 21.1

While he waited, Tony glanced at the murals on the coffee shop walls. The theme was of sand and ocean, appropriate to the location near the surfing beach. The whole atmosphere of the place induced relaxation and this is why he sat idly and unnecessarily stirring his coffee. It was a beautiful day outside, the sort of day that makes you feel good to be alive. After this I'll contact Ryan to do some surfing.

Not bad, not bad. Tastes like real coffee, not the new instant coffee currently available. I'll have to ask what blend they serve, so's I can get some for home. (taking a sip). Still can't fathom the phone call, she were real mysterious. I guess I'll know soon enough. I reckon . . . ah, here she is.

Clare Seaton waltzed into the shop, and recognizing Tony, smiled broadly as she advanced on his table. Still smiling she sat and arranged herself comfortably.

"( _Pleasant_ ) Thanks for meeting me Tony, I know it's short notice . . . _(interrupted by the waitress)_ Oh, just a cup of coffee please, with a small portion of milk . . . _(Tony also asked for a refill)_ . . . now, where was I . . . Oh yes, asking to see you at short notice; I hope I haven't inconvenienced you, Tony?"

"( _Gracious_ ) No, not at all Clare . . . Oh, is it alright I call you Clare? ( _she nodded_ ) Thanks. It's school holidays so I've more free time on my hands. So then, what did you want to talk about?"

"Well it's about Ryan _(Tony nodded_ ). He's just come home from National Service and he's got some silly idea in his head that he should leave me . . . ah, I mean leave home. I was hoping you could use your influence to stop him. He doesn't know much about the outside world because I've spoiled him all his life. He's always had his washing done, food on the table, and a happy nurturing environment at home. In a way I've been too good to him, so now he thinks . . .

She's got to be kidding! Does she really believe what she's saying? From what her husband and son tell, she that creates misery in the house. She obviously can't separate fantasy from reality. She needs to see a shrink.

. . . so now he thinks he can just leave home and enjoy the same comfort he took for granted at home. You, being a mature adult, can surely agree it's not in his best interest to leave m . . . I mean, home."

Tony was about to respond when the waitress returned with their coffees. They both stayed silent as the waitress fussed around them. Eventually,

"Clare, why are you telling me this? Surely this is a matter between you and Ryan. I don't know why you want to involve me. In actual fact, I think Ryan starting out on his own is a good move. He wants to stay with me, and I thought you'd be happy because you know me. I moved out of home when I was his age, so I can't see the problem. Sorry."

"( _Edgy_ ) So you're happy that he would come and stay with you? You've talked to him behind my back?"

"( _Hurriedly_ ) NO, not behind your back. He asked me if he could stay with me and I said yes. I didn't know I had to have your approval."

"( _Irritated_ ) I'M HIS MOTHER! ( _taking a sip of coffee_ ) Of course he has to have my approval It's usual for a boy to stay with his mother until he meets a nice girl and gets married. Then, and only then, can he leave home. Most times the new couple stay with parents until they're financially able to cope on their own."

"( _Laughing_ ) My oh my, Clare you don't know your son at all. I know absolutely that Ryan will reject your scenario outright. He's not a docile baby boy anymore. You should get to know him better."

"( _Livid_ ) HOW DARE YOU! How dare you sit there smugly and tell me I don't know my own son. Remember I carried the boy in my womb for nine months which establishes a bond . . ."

"( _Calmly_ ) Now lets . . . ( _sipping coffee)_ not get carried away with that nonsense. I mean, what's you carrying him in your womb got to do with the subject? Ryan's old enough to know his own mind and you can't stop him because he's of legal age."

"( _Ominously_ ) Can I ask what is your relationship with my son?"

"( _Cautious_ ) Relationship? You know what is our relationship. We're friends, good mates. Why do you ask?"

"( _Dispassionate_ ) Well, I've heard it being said around the Surf Club that you two seem to share more than just simple friendship _(Tony went to interrupt)_ no, please let me finish. You can surely see why people are edgy _(again Tony tried to butt in)_ no, I said let me finish. After all you're much older and he's just a young boy. Such a situation is surely to cause concerns."

"( _Furious_ ) Concerns, concerns with whom? I'm not gonna get involved with nasty gossip and troublemaking. If people have something to say, then say it to my face. On that note, no-one has accosted me about my friendship with Ryan. No-one! You listen to too many frustrated old women who have nothing better to do than dream up lies to do harm."

"( _Menacingly)_ So I understand you're not going to talk to Ryan and discourage him about leaving m . . . Umm, home?"

"( _Fuming_ ) NO! On the contrary I'll encourage him to move out as soon as possible. You should take time to think about yourself Clare. I heard Bill's moved out and now Ryan wants to. Can't you understand it's you who's the problem. You've literally driven your own husband and son away. You make life so miserable for people around you, the first chance they get is to distance themselves from you. Before you start criticizing others, have a good look at yourself, Clare."

"( _Outraged_ ) HOW DARE YOU! ( _Bristling_ ) How dare you infer it's my fault. ( _Fuming_ ) What a low-life you are Tony Gordon. You've corrupted my son and now try to make the fault mine. I can't believe it. You've seduced him to come live with you so you can satisfy your carnal needs. Don't deny it . . ."

"( _Hostile_ ) Deny it? Of course I deny it. What a foul mouth and foul mind you have, madam. You're almost talking libel. Just because you're terrified of being alone you can't then stoop to castigating another person's reputation. You call me a low-life. Take a good look at yourself madam before you call anyone else a low-life."

"( _Scowling_ ) At least we know where we stand. I've asked you with all civility to dissuade Ryan from sharing you home, and you simply won't. ( _Tony nodded vigorously_ ) Well that makes it all easy for me. Now you should listen very carefully. If my son comes and lives with you, I'll let it be known that you've used your senior age to seduce a younger man to carry on a disgusting illegal relationship and satisfy your carnal desires. I'm prepared to denounce you to the Education Department, the Surf Club, and the police. I'll even place an add in the local newspaper. Whilst I have no direct evidence, your relationship has already raised questions, so my notice will simply give credence to rumours. The mud will stick and you'll never retrieve your good name. You'll be labelled a pervert wherever you go. I'm also prepared . . ."

"( _Outraged_ ) THIS IS BLACKMAIL! ( _Startled, other customers looked towards the voice source)_ You're blackmailing me! I can't believe you're blackmailing me by threatening to use harmful and untrue stigma against my character. You would stoop so low to get your way with Ryan?"

"( _Nasty_ ) YES! Yes I would. You're now my enemy and I'll employ anything to stop Ryan living with you. I'll give you one week, ONE week you hear, to tell Ryan he can't live with you. If after that you haven't stopped him from living with you, I'll simply carry out ALL my threats. Of course if you report this to the police, I'll simply deny we had this conversation. The ball's in your court mister."

"( _Disgusted_ ) God what a horrible person you are. Full marks to Bill for leaving you. Madam you bring discredit to mothers everywhere and you're a disgrace to Australian womanhood. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

"( _Arrogant_ ) Gladly, I've said my piece and it's now up to you . . . mister."

Smiling evilly, Clare Seaton sailed out of the coffee shop and didn't look back. Apparently Tony was to pay the cheque for both of them.

For several moments Tony sat there and reflected on the conversation. He had no illusion that she wouldn't make good on her promises. His mind was in turmoil.

Fuck'n hell. What a bitch, no that's being unkind to bitches everywhere. She's a simple nut-case. Now I understand what Ryan's had to contend with over the years. The poor sod. The problem is she's hit on the truth without knowing it. We can't afford to have anyone probing into our relationship, because if the truth comes out she'll be exonerated. Then both Ryan and I would be charged with conducting an illegal relationship and end up in jail. I've got to talk to Ryan now. What on earth are we to do?

<><><><>

### 21.2

" . . . she means it Tony. When she wants something, she won't let anything stand in her way. Take it from me she's capable of great evil to get what she wants. Bloody hell! BLOODY HELL! How could I continue to live with that evil bitch?"

"( _Morosely_ ) Well, we have a week before she says she'll carry out her threat."

They were sitting in Tony's loungeroom on two easy chairs facing each other. When Tony finished telling him about the meeting with his mother, Ryan fell into a gloomy depression. He felt ill.

"( _Stiffly_ ) So she's given us a week you say ( _Tony nodded sadly_ ). Well what good is that gonna do? I mean she's holding all the cards and there's nothing we can do. ( _sigh_ ) After this I could really kill her . . .

"( _Alarmed_ ) NO! Stop that! I won't hear you talk like that. I understand you're upset, hell I'm upset too, but we can't do anything to make the situation worse, y'hear? _(Ryan reluctantly nodded)_ A week's a long time, but ( _sighing_ ) right now I don't have a solution to offer. For the time being we have to give in to her and let her believe she's won."

Ryan sat quietly shedding silent tears. Suddenly the elation he'd been enjoying this past week had been completely ruined. Now he really did hate his mother; just the thought of going back to live with her filled him with despair. There didn't seem anyway out.

"( _Mystified_ ) What concerns me is her claim that people are talking about our relationship. I haven't had any adverse comments, have you?"

Ryan jolted himself out of the stupor he'd sunk into. When Tony related that part of his mother's commentary, he'd been baffled.

"No, no I haven't. No one's come to me questioning our friendship. Of course folks have complimented both of us, well particularly you, in helping me with me Life Saving certificate and passing the Year 12 exams. They know about my bloody home-life and were impressed I'd been successful. That's the only comment I've had."

"Yeah, same here. I thought my profession being a teacher would provide adequate cover for us. Who on earth is she talking about? Who's been questioning our relationship?"

"Argh, probably no-one. Sometimes she makes things up hoping she won't be caught out lying. ( _long pause_ ) You're saying I have to knuckle under, stay home, and let her think she's won, is that it? _(Tony nodded abjectly_ ) Maybe I can, maybe I can. I'll have to think about it, mate. That's not worrying me as much as the 'getting married to a nice girl' bit. It frightens me thinking about what leverage and pressure she'd apply to make me get married. That doesn't bear thinking about. OH, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT. I'm trapped, I'm running out of choices. She's gonna win, and that tastes like the bottom of a bird-cage."

Silence. Tony could see Ryan was on the verge of tears, and he couldn't blame him. Clare Seaton was plainly evil.

"I can't say I know how you feel because I'd be insulting you if I did. What I can say is we're gonna win in the long run. Look on this as a war. Now she's won round one, she's won this battle but not the war. Don't you ever forget my love for you boychik. I'll not rest until we've crushed yer mother completely. Sure, in the short term, you're gonna have to bight the bullet, but I'll find some way of defeating her. That I can promise."

"I've never doubted you love mate, and don't you ever doubt mine for you. Thanks for being positive. I like your analogy to a war and her only winning round one. I like it, but at the same time, I dread having to go back and live with her. I'm almost inclined to tell her I'm a poofter. I know that'll hurt her and hurt her bad. It's . . ."

"( _Hurriedly_ ) Not now, it'd be counter productive to say anything now. If you did, she'd have all the ammunition she needs to literally put the final nail in your coffin. No, not now. Of course she's gonna have to find out some time, but let's choose a time and place that suits us. Say, what about yer Dad? Is there any way he could help us now?"

"I dunno. On several occasions the thought's crossed my mind that I should just move in with him, but that wouldn't solve our dilemma would it?"

"No, no it wouldn't. She wants you at home with her and she's relying on me to force the issue. I don't believe going to yer dad's new place would resolve our problem. She's clearly targeting you and I, or should I say blackmailing you and I, to keep you at home. She's got complete leverage with me and no leverage with yer dad."

"( _Tonelessly_ ) I guess yer right, fuck'n right. I'm not thinking clearly.

"That's Ok. You're the victim here and I don't blame you for being muddled. This whole situation is unique . . . uniquely evil. ( _Pause_ ) I wonder if she realizes how close to the mark she is. I'm talking about you and I having a love affair. Things are just falling too nicely for her, I can't help but wonder if she has a smokin' gun? Is there anyone who knows about you and I?"

"Nah, the only people that know are me mates from Nasho and they wouldn't tell me mother. No way! No, she's inadvertently used the truth even though she doesn't know how accurate she is. No, we have to assume she's just guessing."

For a long time the two lovers just sat quietly in the gathering gloom trying to deal with an awful situation. There would be no foreplay today. Eventually,

"Tony, I'd best get going. I'll go home and give her the silent treatment. That's the only ammo I have. Tomorrow I'm gonna go bush to my favourite spot and think about what's happened this day."

With that Tony stood up, crossed over to where Ryan stood, and gave him a big bear hug. With both men, tears were close by.

"Ok, boychik, we'll talk again tomorrow. Keep yer chin up, we're not beat yet. I have a germ of an idea but I need more time and thought before giving it any serious consideration.

<><><><>

### 21.3

The next morning Ryan found himself at his private bush spot. The previous night had been hard. He'd not spoken a word to his mother and rudely ignored her attempts at conversation. When she started whining, he went into his room and closed the door.

Now with the weight of the world on his shoulders he added solitude to his misery.

"SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!"

The expletive resounded through the silence of the bush. In fact he luxuriated in the stillness because he could truly vent his feelings without retribution. He suddenly found himself at a crossroad in life; a decision had to be made about where his life headed. Without doubt, this turned out to be the worst time of his young life.

Of course there really wasn't a decision at all, because there were no acceptable alternatives. Looking back on these past years, it still mystified him how events had shaped his journey so far. There had been heartbreak and some funny occasions but over-all his life had been miserable, well only miserable until he met the man of his dreams; Tony Gordon, the man who undoubtably conquered his heart. And now all that was in jeopardy.

"FUCK! SHIT! FUCK!"

He didn't deserve to be in this position because he was a good person and hadn't done harm to anyone; well except for his defensive scraps with the likes of Bert Cree. His half-brother Bert Cree. He'd survived a morbid family life and along the way, had acquired close friends. A victim! OH Yes! A victim of social rejection, of legal persecution, and a negative home life. It had been a long time between laughs.

However If you plotted all these negatives on one side of the ledger, they were easily compensated by his sex life. It could be said that he'd experienced too much too soon, but what the hell, it felt bloody good. He couldn't understand why society viewed the sex act with such condemnation.

"BLOODY STUPID FUCKWITS!"

Of course he referred to the Catholic Church as the main culprit. It seems God wasn't satisfied to let his flock enjoy their bodies – which apparently he'd personally designed – he only smiled on sex that produced babies. Of course it had to be conducted only in an approved manner and position. Heaven forbid! They even used a calendar to determine when to do the act.

"CRAP!"

Sadly now he was digressing and slinking away from decision time. An awful decision, that could not only fuck up his life but others as well. Y'see that's what they don't understand, if he had to take the most obvious path, the line of least resistance, then the consequences which flowed would cause irreparable harm – to all.

Sighing, Ryan absentmindedly used a stick to draw a happy face on the soil. Then in a fit of anger he slashed at the image and erased it.

She holds all the cards don't she. If she acted on her threat against Tony – and I'm convinced she will – Tony's life and reputation will be shattered. Even though she has no hard proof, there were always plenty of gossipers who would give credence to the rumour. Tony's spot-on by letting her win Round One; in fact it's vital she thinks she's won. My childish goings-on last night will only aggravate the mess we're in. I've gotta make her believe she's won . . . completely. For now. I can see why leaving and going to live with dad wouldn't satisfy her. The only leverage she has is against Tony, she doesn't have anything to pressure my dad.

So that's it then. I've gotta endure the unendurable and make happy with my rotten mother. Well, until we can find another approach that'll get her off our backs. (sigh) Fat chance!

That night he confronted his mother whilst she cooked dinner. Ryan almost lost it as she turned to face him with a look of infuriating smugness. She knew!

"Well mother dear, I give in. You've won. I'll stay here with you until I find a nice girl to marry. Already I feel sorry for her, because having you as a mother-in-law will be very distasteful. Happy now?"

"Oh don't be like that son, I've only have your best interest at heart. You'll see, you and I can have a comfortable happy life together, that is until you meet a nice girl. When you do, I'll be able to advise you as to whether she's suitable. Now come and eat your dinner. Afterwards, we can sit together and listen to the radio."

And so Ryan went to bed that night and cried. He cried until his exhausted body succumbed to the need for sleep.

In another room his mother found peace for the first time in several days.

" _I've won! It's all been worth it. I'll have my son with me until he decides to get married. Even after that I'll insist . . . no, insist is too strong a word . . . I'll suggest that he and his bride should stay with me. Oh, won't it be so good to have another female in the house. Dearie me how I've longed for some feminine company. Even having my mother took away the loneliness of being the only female in the house. And then of course grandchildren . . . hopefully granddaughters. (sigh) Wouldn't that be wonderful. And I'm still relatively young aren't I? I still have some of my youthful allure. What would it be like to have (naming a local football star) thrusting deep inside me. OH GOD, I just know if I touch myself down there I'll orgasm. . . . OH DEAR, I CAN'T HELP IT . . ._

<><><><>

### 21.4

Because she was outback in the laundry room, Clare didn't hear the doorbell. However little Gus did, and he began to bark loudly and boisterously. Going out to see what the fuss was about, she managed to hear the doorbell. Still yapping excitedly, Gus preceded her to the front door.

When she opened she received a pleasant surprise. Standing there was a young attractive policeman, imparting a wide friendly smile. His gleaming police badge, attached to his gun belt, was prominently displayed. All at once her juices began to churn as she stared in dumb confusion at the young man, who then introduced himself.

"Mrs Seaton? Mrs Clare Seaton?"

"Ahh Yes . . . Umm . . . I'm Clare Seaton. GUS, ( _calming the dog)_ Gus quiet, quiet. That's Ok . . . good dog, good dog."

"I'm Constable Jake Andrews from Manly Police Station _(pointing to his belt badge_ ) and I wonder if I could have a quick word with you. That's if it isn't too inconvenient?"

"( _Hastily)_ No, NO, of course not! Pardon my manners, would you like to come in?"

Goodness gracious, he's a doll!

"Yes, thank you. That's very kind of you."

"Come follow me, we can talk in the kitchen. I . . . err . . . would you like a cup of tea?"

"I would, yes I would. Thank you. Once again you're very kind."

As she led the constable into the kitchen she made sure her hips swayed suggestively.

" _(Pointing to a chair)_ Now sit yourself down and tell me to what do I owe this pleasure. I hope it's nothing serious?"

"( _Laughing_ ) NO. no, please don't be alarmed, it's only a small matter. _(smiling broadly)_ I know policemen can be intimidating at times, so I won't take up too much of your time. I'm talking to all the people in your street."

"( _Flirting_ ) Well then take as much time as you need; what healthy young woman wouldn't appreciate spending time with an attractive young man such as yourself."

"( _Smiling broadly and showing a row of perfect white teeth_ ) Why thank you, it's nice of you to welcome me into your home. I must commend you in keeping your household looking immaculate. My compliments."

" _(Getting flustered)_ What a lovely thing to say. These days young people don't appreciate the time and effort required to keep everything clean and tidy. Of course keeping house doesn't take all day, so I try and keep myself active in other ways. I seem to have plenty of free time to . . . well, you know."

The last was delivered with a frank look that transmitted a silent message.

" _(enjoying herself)_ Now . . . Jake? ( _he nodded_ ) . . . yes, Jake; do you have your tea with milk and sugar?"

"( _Pleasantly_ ) Thank you. Yes, just a small milk and two sugars please. I'm afraid I have a sweet tooth. I can demolish a box of chocolates in one sitting if so tempted."

"( _Giggling_ ) Oh my, It's such a pleasure to serve a handsome young man such as you. Usually all I have to talk to is boring old housewives. I get sick of listening to their whinges about husbands, children, and other acquaintances. Here, let me get you some cookies I've just baked. I'm sure you'll like chocolate biscuits.

"( _Congenial_ ). I think you're trying to spoil me . . . and I love it."

With the water boiled, Clare made tea and then brought the teapot, cups, spoons, plates and cookies to the table. She smiled seductively _(well, what she thought as being seductive)_ at the officer and proceeded to be 'mother'. When finished, she sat back and,

"There, there you are, just as you wanted, a drop of milk and two sugars. Just help yourself to the cookies and if you want anything else . . . ( _giggling suggestibly_ ) just ask."

"( _Smacking his lips)_ Oh my, these chocolate cookies are bloody marvellous. My mother used to make chocolate cookies for me and I thought them the best, that is until I tried yours. They're delicious."

"It's so gratifying to be complimented. My own family hardly ever says thanks for anything I do, whether it be cleaning, cooking, or washing their clothes. Sometimes it makes me so mad at their lack of appreciation."

"( _Sympathizing_ ) Well, I find that very disturbing. In my job I'm invited into other ladies homes and I can tell you, if prizes were to be awarded, you'd surely win first prize."

"( _Gushing_ ) Why, thank you. Now are you married constable? Do you have any family?"

"No ma'am I'm not married. I haven't found a girl yet who satisfies me. Fact is I don't like girls, ( _pause_ ) I like mature women. Perhaps I'm being too hard to please, but I prefer to wait until the right lady comes along. I'm still young so I'm not pressuring myself to find a life partner. I still live with my mother and will do until I eventually get married. I suppose I'm a bit old-fashioned."

"Oh no, no, your not old-fashioned, that's the way it should be. A lad stays with his mother until he's old enough to choose a girl to marry. I think you're very wise."

Taking a sip of tea to wash down the last of a cookie, the constable smiled at Clare, who returned the expression. She was enjoying herself immensely and wanted the liaison to last as long as possible. Then the Constable put down his cup and in a low casual voice,

"( _Softly_ ) Now Clare, you've been a naughty girl haven't you?"

" _(Excited_ ) Naughty? Oh I suppose so. Life's too short not to have fun, particularly when it comes to sex . . . Oh, I hope I'm not embarrassing you. I love giving pleasure and have learnt many ways to enjoy sex, particularly if you have a willing partner who . . ."

"( _Conversationally_ ) Hmmm, you misunderstand. The naughtiness I'm referring to is your attempt to blackmail Mr Tony Gordon. Now that's what we call being very naughty."

Suddenly, Clare's mouth became dry, and she looked at Jake in confusion. All of a sudden, the room felt very, very cold.

"( _Gawking_ ) Huh?"

"( _Firmly_ ) You met with Mr Tony Gordon on _(naming a day and date)_ and proceeded to blackmail him."

Icy fingers seemed to encircle her heart which began to beat rapidly.

"( _Uncertainly_ ) Huh? What . . . what are you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about."

"( _Firmly_ ) Alas Clare, you do. We both know you threatened to blackmail Mr Gordon, and I'm not going to debate the issue with you. I'm hoping to convince you to abandon such action completely. As you'll find out, it isn't in both yours and Tony's best interests to continue. Now, have a sip of tea and try one of your wonderful cookies as you consider my request. I'll wait."

Silence. Pause. Over the original shock, Clare began to get angry.

"( _Hostile and voice hard_ ) So, as I now understand, all that honeyed talk was just to get me vulnerable. Well, you've really shown your true colours, eh? Who are you to come into my home, posing as a policeman, and make demands. ( _Harshly_ ) I repeat, who are you? Furthermore, you don't know the circumstances that forced me to confront that poofter Tony Gordon. Who are you, his lover?"

"( _Laughing_ ) Please don't get angry. It's my hope we can conclude this matter quickly and congenially _. (Opening both hands as a friendly gesture)_ There's no need for undue emotion. Let's discuss the matter as two mature adults."

By this time Clare had fully recovered from her original shock. Inside she seethed with fury.

"( _Sputtering_ ) Don't you dare tell me how I should react. ( _Raising her voice_ ) I REPEAT, WHO ARE YOU? You're not a cop, so who are you? I mean, you ingratiate yourself into my house with flattering words, then revert to the poisonous bastard you are. Answer me!"

"( _Amiably_ ) I'm afraid you don't understand the situation you're in. You don't have any need to know who I am, only that you'll suffer unpleasant consequences if you insist on threatening to blackmail Tony Gordon, and through him your son, Ryan."

"( _Enraged_ ) BULLSHIT! I've got every right to demand he keeps away from my son. If he won't then I'm entitled to use any, I repeat any, measure to force him to leave my son alone. ( _Irate_ ) He's a criminal and must be treated as such. You'll see, I've got the law on my side."

"( _Gentle_ ) Yes we realize that. If you did wrong and could be punished by the existing legal system, there wouldn't be any need for people like me. It's precisely because you have the law on your side that makes us necessary."

"( _Mystified_ ) And who is 'we'?"

"( _Relaxed_ ) Who are we? Well, just an organization which operates outside the law to provide natural justice. Now I don't want to get into a debate, because your case has been investigated, and all that remains is to have you desist blackmailing Tony Gordon. I suppose you could regard my visit as a warning. So, what's your decision? Will you abandon your blackmail attempt?"

"( _Shouting_ )) NO,NEVER, EVER! I mean why should I, eh? My son has already told me he's going to stay home until he sets out to get married. So I've already won, haven't I! WHY SHOULD I BACK DOWN? That queer doesn't want to make an enemy of me because I'll see him in hell before . . ."

"( _Friendly_ ) Fine. Yes it seems your blackmail has worked and you've got your way. Hummm? You've achieved this by threatening certain actions which would have unpleasant and unforeseeable consequences for our client. What we're now asking is you that tell Mr Gordon you l will no longer apply any pressure if he doesn't comply with your demands. Are we clear Clare?

"( _Ridiculing_ ) You've got to be kidding! Now you're being stupid. Having won the issue and achieved my objective, why on earth would I then turn around and remove the threat, Eh? And furthermore the law can't charge me with a blackmail attempt, because I'll simply deny all knowledge of the matter. It'll be his word against mine. He can't prove anything!"

"( _Pleasant_ ) Yes, I agree. However you still don't seem to understand, Clare. Our discussions, and what I'm about to outline, will never come before the authorities, because we don't operate within the law. Instead we operate outside it, and thus are able to implement a wide range of punishments not envisaged by the law. You must try and understand this because it's very important you do. Umm by the way, may I have another cookie, they really are very good?"

"( _Sneering_ ) Have as many as you like; I hope they choke you. To me it ain't a complicated situation, it's very clear cut. I threatened that poofter teacher with certain actions if he didn't distance himself from my son. I also stipulated that my son must stay with me until he gets married. ( _Smirking_ ) Now both have seen the error of their ways and gave in. My child is not associating with that pervert and has agreed to stay at home with me. Simple! ( _Sniggering_ ) And now you want me to undo all that and tell the paedophile I won't take any further action if my demands are not met. In other words, to go back to the original situation. Have I got this right?"

"( _Enthusiastically_ ) Yes, yes! That's it completely. Well done. Now when will you advise Mr Gordon that you've changed your mind?"

"( _Contemptuous)(Shouting)_ NEVER! NEVER! WHAT ARE YOU STUPID? NEVER . . . NOW GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

" _(Ignoring the outburst) (sighing)_ Well, that's a shame. I had hoped you'd be reasonable and think of other people rather than yourself. If you're so determined to maintain your blackmail then we have to decide on an adequate punishment for you. You see every action we take has consequences. Are you prepared to accept the consequences of not lifting the blackmail stipulations you imposed on Mr Gordon?"

"( _Sneering_ ) Consequences? What penalties could you dredge up that would make me tell that creature that I won't make good on my threats. What consequences indeed, HA?"

Pause and silence. Jake stared into Clare's eyes and softly replied.

"We have to kill you."

A cold wave of fear struck Clare. Whilst she heard his words; she could hardly accept they'd been said.

"( _Shocked_ ) Wha . . . Wha . . . what did you say?"

"( _Calmly_ ) I simply said that as you refuse to remove any blackmail threat on Mr Tony Gordon, we'll have to kill you. Sorry, I thought I'd made myself clear."

On hearing the words again Clare began to panic, really panic. He was threatening to kill her. Her heartbeat soared, and her hands became clammy. This couldn't happen, not in this day and age. It was . . . barbaric. Then,

"( _Uncertainly_ ) Oh I see, you're joking. Well let me tell you ( _gasp_ ) I don't appreciate such humour."

"( _Solemnly_ ) Oh, let me assure you I'm not joking. Whether you believe me I couldn't care less. I repeat, unless you cancel the blackmail against Mr Gordon, we will kill you. I've done this many times in the past and found the same scepticism as you have presently. This disbelief lasted only up until the person died."

Something in the man's voice, his body language, and his eyes, told Clare he meant what he'd said. Suddenly she'd become very afraid. Deep within, the fear became an icy knot in her stomach. Her hands began to tremble and her mind numbed with the knowledge. She was too frightened to cry. Then Jason continued,

"( _Conversationally_ ) And there's more. We used to exhume buried bodies and desecrate them by throwing them on a garbage dump. We don't do this anymore because we found a better alternative. _(Clare sat immobile fearful to hear the rest)_ Now we simply wait until a headstone is erected and slash insulting messages across the gravestone calling you a slut, or a criminal, or an adulterer. We have someone watching for any attempt to remove the insults. If this is done we simply repeat the original process until such time as the game ends with a permanent insulting message marked on you memorial stone. We've found this process to be very effective. Very!"

Suddenly Clare found voice,

"( _Shrieking_ ) NO, NO, NO. Noooooooo! PLEASE, PLEASE, DON'T KILL ME! I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY. I . . . I . . . DON'T WANT TO DIE, PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DIE!"

"( _Calming_ ) There, there little one. You're in a bit of shock. You believe me don't you? _(Her head nodded enthusiastically_ ) Ok, so all you have to do is contact Mr Gordon and tell him you're withdrawing any threat of blackmail. Ok? ( _once again she nodded willingly_ ). We'll give you a week because this has been a shock and you need time to recover. If at the end of a week you haven't contacted Mr Gordon and told him you're lifting the blackmail threat, the sentence of death with be carried out. You'll have no prior warning. Also, if at any time in the future you carry out your threat on Mr Gordon, that will automatically mean your death. Do you understand? _(in abject misery she nodded her compliance_ ) Good, good. Now I'll take my leave and leave you with your thoughts. If it's Ok, I'd like to take a few cookies with me to share with my people. Is that Ok?"

She didn't register his going. One moment he was there, and the next, gone. A strange numbness had embraced her, and she sat unmoving for about half an hour. Eventually the numbness disappeared and she was able to function again as a human being.

Well, sort of.

So now she started to cry. The reality hit hard as she faced her terrors alone. She lay her head down on the table amongst the tea trappings and sobbed, and cried, and sobbed, and cried – until she could cry no more.

She had come so close to her own mortality. There existed no doubt that Jake, whoever he was or represented, would carry out his threat to kill her – and deface her tombstone. Of that, for some strange reason, she had no doubt.

Even after he'd left, even after all the crying, even after she resumed some semblance of normality, she was extremely frightened.

In the late afternoon she'd recovered most of her faculties and poured herself another cup of tea – without the cookies. Her course of action was clear and she determined to do it without delay. Picking up the phone, she called Tony Gordon.

<><><><>

### 21.5

"Say that again, please. I think I heard right, but I can't comprehend. It's too good to be true. Is this some kinda trick?"

"No, ( _laughing_ ) I related exactly what she said. Obviously she had a hard time telling me; it musta hurt a lot to tell me, to me face, that she was wrong and apologized for any harm we suffered. Who could believe, Eh?"

Ryan and Tony were sitting in the beer garden on the day after he'd met with Ryan's mother. The meeting with Clare stunned Tony. The fact that she'd backtracked on the original threat so suddenly, meant the contact he'd made early-on had been successful. He'd not been told what was about to happen, only that the matter was now out of his hands. The organization was so secret, very little by way of detail was known. Perhaps it was for the best.

Then there was Ryan. Telling him about his mother's turn around would be easy, but if he asked the obvious question 'why', what to say?

"( _Probing_ ) Why? It don't make sense. I'd already told her she'd won and had in fact reconciled meself to getting married to satisfy the bitch. Now you tell me she just up and went back on her blackmail. It don't make any sense. Do you? I mean does it make sense to you?"

Silence.

"Look I'm going to tell you something. I can't give you any details, or me own life will be in danger – real danger boyo. ( _Ryan sat forward busting with curiosity)_ I happen to know of an organization that operates outside the law. All I have is a contact number and little else. You don't want to know more about them because they're dangerous and amoral – totally unprincipled. I suspect they've contacted your mother and threatened punitive action were she to proceed to threaten me – us. Let's not ponder on the 'why' and 'how' because we're free sexy man, we're now free to live together forever and fuck together forever."

Ryan sat back on hearing Tony's words as thoughts came crashing around him.

_Holly shit! I'm free! We're free! I don't haveta go back and live with the shrew. Suddenly, I can see a great light at the tunnel's end. Yeah! I can live with Tony, fuck with Tony and love with Tony. No more fear from mother. I'm so happy . ._ .

Tony watched Ryan digest the news and could see the elation writ large all over his face. At that moment his love for the boy went into warp drive. Elated, Ryan jumped up and strode to the bar for refills. He'd also just heard from the Vet School that the arrangement in place before he went into Nasho was held open for him.

This was perhaps the happiest moment of his life.

Upon his return the two lovers joyfully contemplated their move together. Somehow small details as what food to buy, whether they needed coffee or tea or both, their favourite meals, what side of the bed they favoured etc, made the reality so joyful. The coming night, for the first time in their own bedroom, would see much activity.

But there was one more matter that Ryan had to take care of.

# Epilogue

The day dawned bright and clear with the sun providing a gentle warmth. Perhaps the only good time to visit a cemetery. He now stood before Tommo's grave, reading the tombstone.

TOMAS DAVIS

(from / to)

Loving son of Shirley and Colin

Taken before his time

Now at peace _._

Mate, how I wish you were with me to share my happiness. You sacrificed your young life because you couldn't endure the pain of living. I'll never forget what you told me that day in the hospital,

"Ryan I want you to promise me you'll never, and I repeat never, tell anyone you're a homo. I'm serious Ryan, don't ever let anyone find out you're a homo. Look what's happened to me, my life is over, I'll be castigated wherever I go. Promise me, as one blood brother to another, you'll never admit being a fagott . . . promise me, please mate, promise me."

How could I ever forget you Tommo. I'm proud to be your blood brother. I've met a beautiful man and we live happily together. You words still resonate, I'll never forget your message. Thigs are still bad for us homo boys but I have to hope they'll get better.

Now you're gone and my sad is that we didn't have enough time together. You are the sweetest, kindest, bravest person I've ever known. I'll love you always. In a way you're eternal because I'll always remember you in my heart, even in the good times and even in the not so good times.

Rest easy mate. I love you. Always

i

