(rattling and scraping)
- I only have one mirror in my apartment.
Well, technically two mirrors
if you count the one above
the sink in the bathroom.
But I just have a lot of
trouble looking at myself.
If you told me five years ago
what recovery would be like for me,
I don't know if I would
leap into your arms
or run away in fear.
See, the thing is about recovery,
it's not always what you
think it is in the end.
At the time when I was struggling
with my eating disorder,
my biggest fear was gaining weight.
I knew I wanted to recover
because I was absolutely miserable,
but I didn't realize that recovery
wouldn't just mean finding a
healthy way to stay skinny.
It would mean coming to a point
where I literally don't care
any more if I am skinny or not.
Recovery, for me, was realizing
that my size didn't determine my value.
It was letting go of any expectations
of what I think my body should look like,
or at least what I felt
that my weight should be at.
And when I realized I was trans
I felt afraid too, to be honest.
I was afraid that nobody would
love me if I transitioned,
and I realized that it
was the same fear I had
when I was dealing with
my eating disorder.
I was afraid that nobody would love me
because of my weight, and
it was just strange to me
to realize that I was
putting so much emphasis
on others potentially not loving me.
And for a while, I was
under the impression
that I had worked through those issues.
And so, I thought that this was resolved.
I thought that I had reached this place
where hey, look at me, you know,
I don't really care
what other people think.
I love myself.
And although I still struggle with
my eating disorder and with dysphoria,
over all I accept myself.
Here's the thing, though,
having never actually worked through
my feelings of self-loathing and the fear
that I had of being undesirable to others,
those feelings just found
a new chair to sit in.
I've been having a lot of trouble
with getting things
done, leaving my house,
seeing the people that I love.
It's been getting worse and worse.
It feels like every time
I try to explain something
I immediately start to panic
and worry that I am not
explaining things as well,
that the things I'm saying are ridiculous,
and then it's just like these
mental blocks in my head,
and it feels like they're
impossible to push through.
I've been trying to understand, like,
is this something to do with my ADHD,
is this an anxiety thing?
It took me a long time to understand
what the cause was of those feelings.
Nobody likes to admit
that they hate themselves,
because it sounds self-deprecating,
and it quite frankly makes
me feel a little pathetic.
But that's how I've been feeling.
I realize that the pressure
I put on myself when I make content,
the pressure I put on
myself when I just speak,
the pressure I put on
myself when I leave my house
and I worry that maybe I'm going
to use too much of my energy,
and that means that the video
I put out that week will be terrible,
or the commission that I
do won't be good enough.
And I just think that
every shred of myself,
every little bit of energy that I have
needs to go into making something,
and making sure that it's great,
it comes from that same
place of self-hatred,
and I've realized that I'm
just making these things
and focusing so fiercely on making sure
that the things I make are perfect
because I think that
if I make those things,
and I make them just right, then maybe,
just maybe there'll be
a reason to love me.
But here's what I've learned,
you are inherently valuable.
Your value doesn't reside
in how many people like
you, or what you're making.
Your value does not reside
in your productivity or your net worth.
You are valuable because you're you,
and your voice matters, so use it.
Self love isn't just
about the words we use.
It's about catching yourself
when you find yourself
feeling like you don't
deserve the love in your life.
It's about catching yourself
when you start to wonder if
everyone around you hates you.
Try to stop thinking that
you are so easy to dislike.
I think it's important to be considerate
and compassionate toward
the people around us,
whether we know them personally or not.
I think that it's
important to be considerate
of other people and their feelings,
but I don't think that it is important
to worry about whether
or not they like you.
So, just try to focus on being good.
I'm trying to just be a
person that I like every day,
and on days where I find it really hard
I try to surround myself
with the people who do make me feel good.
Having been in so many situations
where I've lost the people that I love,
sometimes it feels overwhelming,
and it feels like the
spaces they leave in my life
are so vast that they'll never
heal, they'll never close up.
But what I've realized
is that those spaces,
they don't need to close.
For every empty space I feel in my life
where I've had to remove myself
from an unhealthy situation,
I realized that I've made more room
to fill my life with the people
and the things that
make me feel more whole.
If you find yourself weighing your worth
based solely on whether
or not people like you,
or the things that you're producing,
then you're doing yourself a disservice.
You matter, and the things you say matter,
and your voice matters.
You deserve to be here.
You deserve to take up space,
so use your voice and take your space.
This is my voice.
This is my voice.
This is my voice.
This is my voice.
This is my voice.
This is my voice.
This is my voice.
This is my voice three years
on T, three years post-op,
and a couple days into actively
putting an effort into loving myself.
I hope you do too.
(uplifting melody)
