Recently,
everyone has been so absorbed
with the whole
Trump-Russia story
that many people have forgotten
there are things happening
in Congress, namely healthcare.
For seven years,
for seven years now,
Republicans have had
one major legislative priority,
and that's been building
a 60-foot-tall, coal-powered
mechanical Jesus
to defend America.
I'm just kidding.
It's 70 feet tall.
No, no, I'm just kidding.
Uh, the main goal
was repealing
and replacing Obamacare.
And now that Republicans
control the government,
that long-awaited goal
is within reach.
For the GOP, this whole thing
has taken so long,
it's probably felt
like sex with Sting.
Now, if you remember,
back in May,
the House finally managed to
pass its version of Trumpcare,
aka,
the American Health Care Act,
and Trump celebrated by
conducting a backyard symphony.
(applause)
(cheering)
What we have is something very,
very incredibly well-crafted.
We don't have to talk
about this unbelievable victory.
Wasn't it unbelievable? So
we don't have to say it again.
But it's gonna be an
unbelievable victory, actually,
when we get it
through the Senate.
Only Trump would say, "We don't
have to say it's unbelievable"
and then immediately say
it's unbelievable.
This is how stubborn
Donald Trump is.
He doesn't even listen
to the word "no"
when it comes from himself.
"Okay, no more 'unbelievables.'
(bleep) you, me! Unbelievable!"
So, the House passing the bill
was a major step
toward repealing Obamacare,
and, obviously,
Republicans were thrilled.
Uh, you know who wasn't though?
Almost everyone else
in the country.
Because it turns out
only 17% of America
supported the House bill.
Do you know how small 17% is?
You could fit everyone who loved
that bill into one backyard.
That's how small it is. Which is
basically what Republicans did,
to be honest.
17%. Like, if you were a kid
and you got 17% on a test,
your parents
wouldn't ground you.
Like, they wouldn't beat you.
'Cause you just wouldn't
go home.
You would just look
at that paper and be like,
"Well, I guess my life
as a drifter begins. All right.
Here we go, here we go."
Like, a 17% score is terrible,
which explains why, when Trump
talked to Senate Republicans
this week,
his opinion of the House bill
had been renegotiated.
MAN: During a meeting
 with Senate Republicans,
 the president kept his focus
 on healthcare.
 There Mr. Trump flip-flopped
on the House-passed replacement
 to Obamacare,
 calling it "Mean."
MAN 2: The president,
 also, reportedly
 calling the House bill--
 and I quote here,
 "A son of a bitch."
Damn.
The bill went
from "unbelievable"
-to a mean "son of a bitch"?
-(laughter)
Or in Trump terms, it went
from an Ivanka to an Eric? Wow!
-(laughter and groaning)
-Wow.
And I don't say this often,
but Trump is right.
The House bill is mean.
If that bill became law,
23 million people could become
uninsured in America, right?
Many people with pre-existing
conditions won't be protected,
and it would mandate
that colon cancer
be renamed "butt cancer."
-It's just a mean bill, people.
-(laughter)
And because the House bill
is so mean and so unpopular,
Senate Republicans are left
with two options--
either fix what's in the bill,
or just hide it from everyone.
Senate Republican
healthcare deliberations,
with this White House's
blessing,
have all been conducted
behind closed doors.
No public hearings
are scheduled.
But Mitch McConnell's no fool.
He knows the second
he puts the plan out,
they're gonna get chopped up
in a thousand pieces.
MAN: One GOP aide explaining
 why they won't release it
 to the public--
 "We aren't stupid."
That's right.
Republican Senators
are so ashamed
of the healthcare bill
they're working on,
they're actually putting it
 inside a porn magazine
-so no one will know what
they're reading. -(laughter)
"No, no, no,
it's not what you think.
-It's, uh... it's porn."
-(laughter)
Now, according to Republicans,
the stories of them being shady,
writing this bill in secret,
these all...
these are all fake news.
All right, for the truth,
we need to go to the ancient
tree who leads them--
Senate Majority Leader
Mitch McConnell.
Unfortunately, it will have to
be a Republicans-only exercise,
but we're working hard
to get there.
We'll let you see the bill
when we...
when we finally release it.
We know a lot about the subject.
We know how complicated it is.
Nobody's hiding the ball here.
Our goal here is
to move forward quickly.
Your-your goal here is
to move forward quickly?
(laughter)
Shouldn't your goal be to make
a good healthcare system? Yeah?
Shouldn't it be about doing it
right, not doing it fast?
I mean, you would think,
of all people,
Mitch McConnell would know about
the tortoise and the hare.
(laughter)
His cousin won that race.
(laughter)
But... but he is hiding
the ball.
There's no mistaking that.
And here's why Mitch McConnell's
ball-hiding is such a big deal.
The Senate healthcare bill
has the potential
to drastically change the lives
of millions of Americans,
and like Obamacare was,
the process should be open
so that people can voice
their needs and concerns.
Right now, even other senators
can't help shape the bill,
because not even
they know what it is.
When you say
that you're inviting us--
and I heard you,
Mr. Secretary, just say,
"We'd love your support."
For what?
We don't even know.
We have no idea
what's being proposed.
There's a group of guys
in a back room somewhere
that are making these decisions.
Will there be a hearing?
(ding)
Where? Huh?
Well, I don't know that...
(clears his throat)
...there's going
to be another hearing,
but we've invited you to-to
participate and give your ideas.
McCASKILL: Yeah, no. No,
that's not true, Mr. Chairman.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who was that?
(laughter)
Who the (bleep) was that?!
(laughter)
That dude just repeated
exactly what that person
told him to say!
I mean, at this point,
why isn't she just the senator?
Just cut out the middle man.
Just... (whispers gibberish)
But hold on. Hold on, hold on.
Let me get this straight.
This is really slick here.
Let me get this straight.
Senate Republicans
are holding no hearings,
and aren't letting Democrats
see the bill at all,
but they still insist
that they are letting
the Democrats participate.
That's what they say.
You know what this is like?
It's like
when your little brother wanted
to play a video game with you,
so you gave him a controller
that wasn't even plugged in.
-That's what this is like.
-(laughter)
That's what this is like,
and your-your brother is like,
"Wait. If you're Mario,
who am I?"
"Oh, it doesn't matter.
You're winning.
It doesn't matter.
You're winning."
-(laughter)
-"Yay!"
You know, if you're an older
sibling, great memories.
(laughter)
If you're an older sibling,
yeah.
If you're younger,
that's when your issues started.
-(laughter)
-Uh, look.
Look, the truth is Obamacare
isn't perfect, right?
But at least
when Senate Democrats
passed their initial bill
in 2009,
they worked on it for 11 months,
and they held
over a dozen open hearings.
But even with all of that,
the Republicans still complained
that with something so big
as reforming
the American healthcare system,
the Democrats
were moving too fast
and being too secret.
And you'll never guess
 which Republican
complained the most.
This massive piece
of legislation
that seeks to restructure
one-sixth of our economy
is being written
behind closed doors
without input from anyone
in an effort to jam it past
not only the Senate
but the American people
before Christmas.
(like McConnell):
Christmas, you know?
The holiday where three ghosts
show up in your bedroom
and you ignore them. Bah.
(laughter)
So...
2009 Mitch McConnell, he clearly
understood the importance
of an open process
when deciding healthcare.
This time he's going
the opposite way.
Because, with Trumpcare,
he's so afraid
of the backlash from voters,
it's triggered
his instinctive response.
(laughter)
Turtle power!
