'Anything wrong?'
'No nothing.'
Welcome Back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘I’ve heard a lot about you’
According to IMDB, Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity was sold and funded based on the title alone,
and from the opening shot it’s clear why,
and let’s be honest, that’s one of the reasons we’re reviewing it.
‘Isn’t that just a bit contradictory?’
More hypocritical, but sure.
‘What a delicious day it is’
There is another reason, but we’ll come to that.
‘Keep your pants on sister’
Like that’s gonna happen.
Slave girls Daria and Tisa are chained in a prison cell on a spaceship.
‘Why try. You know it’s impossible’
Well yeah.
'i know it can't be done.'
Amazing, but they’re still in the cell.
‘I’ve got an idea that if we can reverse the polarity on these cuffs’
No one appreciates Star Trek bullshit more than me but you can’t reverse the polarity of a chain.
Never the less they escape and steal a ship.
‘Feels good to be back in the saddle again’
umm…
‘I could say something rude but I won’t’
Good call, we don’t want a movie about semi-nude slave girls to get sexual.
But just as the actresses are taking a moment to contemplate their careers.
‘This isn’t exactly the way I hoped thing would turn out’
They crash on a mysterious planet and are washed up on a jungle island, to find.
This is the home of the planet’s only human resident.
‘My name is Zed’
who sets about getting them comfortable.
‘You must get to of those clothes at once’
You’re wearing far too much.
‘How do you like my new outfit’
Once dressed the girls meet the other guests Rik and Shayla.
‘We’re all prisoners here’
Who have slowly become suspicious of Zed.
‘There were 4 of us a week ago, the others have disappeared’
That is suspicious.
‘He says they’ve gone hunting’
Zed is obsessed with hunting.
‘This universe is divided into 2 types of people; the hunter and the hunted’
Which is the other reason we’re reviewing this, because this is The Most Dangerous Game but in space.
‘It’s kind of dark out there’
and with bikinis.
‘And we make such attractive targets’
The film’s USP right there.
‘History has a way of repeating itself.’
The 1932 film was made by Ernest B. Schoedsack and Merian C. Cooper,
using sets and cast from King Kong, including the log bridge,
to which Slave Girls makes reference.
So there you go; not all about the underdressed women,
who have now put on more practical clothes to investigate.
'Where does this corridor lead to?'
Sensible wardrobe choices for investigating a killer’s lair.
‘We may as well face the fact, we’re dealing with a maniac here.’
With Shayla missing, presumed naked.
Daria and Rik head out into the jungle,
‘Have you got a knife’
‘Only this’
'It will have to do.'
While Tisa distracts the robot guard.
‘I’d feel a lot more safe with a big strong android like you along to protect me’
It’s a robot, this won’t work.
‘Well if you’re not coming now, I’m going alone’
#I am an android, your female charm doesn't work on me... on second thought I'm not getting up those stairs#
Daria and Rik return but Zed is checking rooms and they mustn’t arouse his suspicion.
‘This has to be convincing’
Got it – you strip, I’ll keep my trousers on.
Naturally this fake love scene develops into a real one,
giving Rik a chance to drop some of his world class pillow talk.
‘Man and woman. What a great concept’
I wonder who thought of it.
‘You don’t have to thank me.'
Outstanding.
‘If I died today, I wouldn’t complain’
Well then, good news.
Now it’s the ladies turn.
‘I intend to hunt you’
Shayla is killed quickly.
And Daria and Tisa race to find the hidden weapons in a nearby temple,
stopping only to drop some philosophical truth bombs along the way.
‘Fate certainly weaves a twisted tapestry’
What’s amazing is that someone thought there was time for that,
but not time to properly foreshadow the effects of the phantom zone, so when they arrive...
‘I have the strangest feeling the laws of time and space no longer apply’
Oh, that feeling.
Having battled through the zone the women find the weapons, but how will they get out again?
‘Supersonic psy-cussion.’
‘What about it?’
Yeah, what about it?
‘That’s the answer’
I’ll take your word for it.
You’re probably wondering what’s Zed’s been up to during this,
well he walked into a pointy stick.
Then demonstrated the pinpoint accuracy that a lifetime of hunting gives you.
How did he ever kill anyone?
‘I am going to enjoy this’
So yeah, wilfully gratuitous,
the characterisation is non-existent.
‘I’m not as loaded as I seem’
and the dialogue lands like a lead weight.
‘Death is always incredible, always for others, never for ourselves’
And yet this film is exactly what it sets out to be.
‘We’ll try to live up to expectations’
Which really doesn’t forgive it for being atrocious.
‘Not a particularly original response but I am sure it is a sincere expression of your feelings’
It is.
'You displease me.'
'And I ignore you.'
Thanks for watching. To see an uncensored cut of this review join on Patreon as an acolyte.
What other 1930s horror films could benefit from a sci-fi makeover, in the way this hasn’t?
Let us know in the comments below.
'Now you just wait right here, while I go take a dip.'
