- If you in a
relationship with somebody
and they say this to you:
"I can't live with out you."
Oh no, oh no, oh no!
(audience laughs)
You can't live without me,
so I can't go!
That sound like Forensic Files!
(audience applauds)
(mid-tempo soul music)
Anybody can go to
jail on any given day.
You know you one drink,
and most people out there
are one drink away
from ending up in jail.
I don't drink dark
liquor, at all!
Don't drink dark liquor.
If I'ma drink anything,
and I don't really drink.
But if I'm gone drink,
I'ma drink a Margarita.
That's it, Margarita,
and I want it frozen.
I want a frozen Margarita
with sugar or salt on top,
with all the fruit in the
world in it, and two straws.
And I wanna walk through
the club just like this.
(audience laughs)
You ain't never seen nobody
with a Margarita frowning.
Margaritas' a happy drink.
You, even if you are frowning,
I come put a Margarita
in your hand, you...
(audience laughs)
Boy, nobody goes to
jail on Margarita.
They sell you a
pitcher of Margarita.
Do they sell you a
pitcher of Hennessy?
Hell no!
(audience laughs)
If you buy a
pitcher of Hennessy,
you going straight to
prison, you gone skip jail.
You just gone, just
ride up in prison.
And like, "Man, how I get here?"
You drank a pitcher of Hennessy!
(audience laughs)
Dark liquor and attitude
get yo ass in trouble.
(audience laughs)
I use to drink Hennessy.
Let me tell you, I use
to drink Hennessy heavy.
Never had a single
shot of Hennessy.
Not one single shot.
Always had doubles.
Use to go to Happy Hour.
I'm in Happy Hour
drinkin' dark liquor.
I'm 10 Hennessies in.
Yeah, 10 of 'em, can't
make no good decisions now.
10 Hennessies
taking over my life.
Dude bump into me; normal mind,
a normal human being,
you in the club.
The club is packed, people
gone bump into each other.
Man bump in me, made me
spill Hennessy on my shirt.
Normal mind; you
know, it's nothing.
People bumping into people.
That Hennessy said, "Nah!"
(audience laughs and applaud)
"Nah!"
"He being disrespectful,
he being disrespectful.
(audience laughs)
And you should tell 'em."
So I went and told dude.
I say, I said, "Say, my
man, say my man, say my man.
(audience laughs)
You being disrespectful, dawg,
you being disrespectful."
Dude told me too; he said,
"Go on, little dawg."
(audience laughs loudly)
"Go on, little dawg, go on!"
I woulda, I woulda went on.
My normal mind, I
woulda just went on,
I woulda just went on.
But that Hennessy said, "Nah,
you should swing on 'em,
you should swing on 'em!
Man, I swung on that man.
That man whoop my ass!
'Cause I was drunk.
Let me tell you how I
know I got my ass whooped,
'cause my shoe came
off, my shoe came off.
(audience laughs)
you know how embarrassing
it is to be walking
in a club, looking for yo shoe?
You like, "Shit, I
wasn't even over here!"
This lady came and
gave me my shoe.
"Here go yo shoe."
I said, "Gimme my goddamn shoe!
(audience laughs)
She say, "You better
go on, little dawg."
I went on that time.
No two ass whooping
for me in one night.
But see my got pride, my
pride, my pride though.
My pride; that man whoop
me, that man whoop me 'bout,
'bout 12:15, so I got time to
go to my truck and sober up.
I got time, I got
time, 'cause the club
don't close til 2:30.
I got time, I'm in the --
(audience laughs loudly)
tryna sober myself up!
Yeah, get it together,
get it together!
Get it together!
(audience laughs)
'Round 2:30, that man
walk out that club.
He drunk now, he drunk now.
I'm right there, and I knew
I was wrong when I walked up.
I said, "Hey, remember me?
You whooped my ass
around 12:15, I'm back!"
Whooped that man ass right
there in front of that club.
Knocked his ass smooth out.
But I'm so petty, I'm
so petty, I'm so petty,
his shoes didn't come off.
I'm mad 'cause his
shoes didn't come off.
So I took his shoes off and
threw them motha fuckers
two different
directions in the club.
(audience laughs)
Say, "He a find 'em when
he get up, fuck it!"
I like this about old white men.
That y'all are not embarrassed
to embarrass yourself in
front of your children.
I like that.
(audience laughs)
I'm black, I don't embarrass
myself in front of my kids.
I keep it pretty straight-laced.
Every white man on
my side of the street
has fallen off his roof
in front of his son.
(audience laughs)
It's so much, I
know the sound now.
I don't even have to look.
(audience laughs)
I know the sound!
(audience laughs)
I'm in my garden,
minding my own business.
And all of a sudden
(Ali murmurs).
See, Ted ass is
off the roof again.
(audience laughs)
And I always look over the roof.
I'm like, "Ted, aye man, I
know you voted for that wall.
You might wanna
ask them Mexicans
something before
they leave, man!"
(audience laughs)
'Cause they ain't never
off the roof, dawg.
They ain't never off the, you
got the wrong shoes on, dawg!
Do you know we have a perfectly
functioning wall in Arizona?
Perfectly functioning
wall in Arizona.
Six months ago, in the
Wall Street Journal,
they busted a ring
of people catapulting
Mexican people over the wall.
Fuckin', catapulting
some medieval shit!
(audience laughs)
Do you know how bad
you wanna get somewhere
and let somebody throw
yo ass over a wall?
(audience laughs)
Without nobody on the other
side guaranteed to catch you.
Ain't nobody doing this shit!
(audience laughs)
Which one I'm suppose to grab?
Who I'm suppose to get?
(audience laughs)
They released the footage.
You ain't gotta believe me,
look at it on Goo, Google it.
They released the
fucking footage.
It has 3,000,000 views.
2,000,000 of the
views are mine alone.
I watched that shit everyday!
Fucking hysterical,
I watch it everyday.
(audience laughs)
They got Mexican people
in regular chairs
with seatbelts on the chairs.
Now that's amazing in itself!
(audience laughs)
Fucking seatbelt
on a regular chair.
(audience laughs)
They give 'em helmets and
mouthpieces; fucking crazy!
(audience laughs)
They put the mouthpiece
in, thumbs up,
catapult over the goddamn wall!
Every time I see it, I think
in my mind, "Who went first?"
(audience laughs)
'Cause I know they didn't get
the shit right the first time.
You sit in the chair.
Your seatbelted in.
(audience laughs)
You got your helmet, put
your mouthpiece in, you gone!
Halfway in the middle
of that you notice,
"I don't think
I'm up high enough
(audience laugh)
to get over the this wall!"
(audience laughs)
Boom!
Right into the goddamn wall!
(audience laughs)
Now you not gone stop,
'cause you don paid yo money.
You gotta keep.
(Ali audience laughs)
Tell you people, I live
in a gated community.
Black people don't judge
me 'cause they tricked me.
(audience laughs)
They tricked me, white
people tricked me.
'Cause on the
brochure, it was real
multi-cultured on the brochure.
It had everybody
on that brochure
smiling like they
lived over there.
(audience laughs)
And it's just, it's just
all white people and me.
That's it!
It's just white people and I!
(audience laughs)
I need a sitcom,
I need something.
It's just us, me and
these white folks.
Let me tell you something,
white people will change you.
(audience laughs)
You be thinkin' that
you live around them,
and you not gone be pleasant.
Shee-it!
White people don't play that!
You live in they neighborhood.
And then they wanna meet you.
That's crazy, that's
how I found out
it was all white people
in my neighborhood,
'cause they wanna meet you.
See, I'm not accustomed to that.
Let me tell you something,
I'm from the projects.
(audience laughs)
And in the projects, let me tell
you what never happens
in the projects.
(audience laughs)
When you move
into the projects, don't
nobody come and greet you!
(audience laughs)
Nobody says,
"Hey, welcome to the
projects, welcome to hell!"
Nobody do that!
(audience laughs)
But when you in a
gated community;
oh, theses white
people wanna meet you!
I'm sitting in my house,
minding my own business.
Doorbell rang.
I open the door.
400 white people
(audience laughs)
outside my door!
I ain't gone lie, I panicked,
I panicked, I panicked.
I slammed the door
and called the police.
They protestin',
they protestin'!
"Who's protestin'?"
All of them!
(audience laughs)
And I'm so terrified when
the police get there,
I still got the
chain on the door.
I open the door, I
say, "What they say?"
(audience laughs)
Say, "They are not protesting,
they're coming to greet
you, they have..."
I looked out there,
white folks had
baked goods and little baskets.
I was like, "Aw, they wanna
meet a brother, all right!"
And white people are very
pleasant, very pleasant.
They want you to be pleasant.
And what they do, every
morning, they get up
and they walk around the
community really fast.
(audience laughs)
And I said, "You know something,
I'ma get up in the morning
and I'ma speak to
them white folks."
So I get right, I'm ready, I'ma
get right there to the curb.
I'm like, "Yeah, they
gone come around here
in a minute real fast;
6:45, here they come."
And I yelled, "Hey, good
morning, white people!"
(audience laughs)
Dude came right back,
"Morning to you!"
I said, "Good, all right!"
He said, "What you doing today?"
I said, "Shit, this was it."
(audience laughs)
I was just gone
(audience laughs)
get up and speak to y'all
and go back to sleep.
That's what I'm;
(audience laughs)
6:45 in the morning,
hell is wrong with you?
He said, "Well when you get
up, you should go to the park!"
I said, "What's
happening at the park?"
He say, "The Dandelions
are in bloom."
(audience laughs)
And I was like, "Okay,
all right, all right."
So I ran in the house and
Googled what a dandelion was.
(audience laughs)
'Cause my flower
game is real weak.
I'm real weak on my flower game.
And some of this stuff, you
don't even know how to spell.
You in there, "The dan-dah,
dan-dah lion, dan-dah lion."
(audience laughs loudly)
Dan, dah, dah, dah,
dah, dah, dan-dah lion?
Dan-dah lion?
You don't even know
how to spell it.
You done put dan-dah lion in
and a lion come up
that's in a zoo!
(audience laughs)
You know, no that's
Dan the Lion.
I need dan-dah lion.
(audience laughs)
(Ali laughs)
So I done got the dandelion in.
So I end up in the park.
I had never been in this
park in the daytime before.
I had only been in
this park hustling.
I had never been in this park.
I had never seen the whole park.
I'm like, "This my
little hustle spot."
So I'm in the park,
minding my business,
sittin' down, lookin'
at the dandelions.
(audience laughs)
White man name Tim came
and sat down next to me.
He say, "Hey, how you doing?"
I said, "I'm doing good."
He say, "Yah here
for the dandelions?"
I said, "I am here
for the dandelions."
(audience laughs)
He say, "It's something very
special about these dandelions."
I say, "what's that?"
He say, "We sit
here long enough,
some Red-chested Robins a
come play in the dandelions."
I said, "You don't say!"
He said, "I just said!"
(audience laughs)
So I'm sittin' there,
sun beatin' down on me.
I'm lookin' at the dandelions,
he ask me, he say, "Yah hungry?"
I say, "I could eat."
(audience laughs)
He say, "You want
some Trail Mix?"
I say, "I would love
some Trail Mix!"
(audience laughs and applauds)
So sittin' there,
eatin' Trail Mix.
He had a tuna fish sandwich too.
He said, "You want
half my tuna fish?"
I say, "I would love
half of your tuna fish!"
(audience laughs)
So we sittin' there,
so I know eatin' a
sandwich, eatin' tuna fish.
And eatin' Trail Mix and
the sun beatin' down on me,
and lookin' at the dandelions,
and I new it was workin'.
This pleasantry
was working on me,
'cause I said, "Tim look,
Red-chested Robins!"
(audience laughs)
And that's it, that's
the end of the story.
(audience laughs)
I just told y'all 'cause
I can't tell my friends.
(audience laughs)
