[ LAUGHTER ]
♪♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WELL, WELL, WELL, IT'S ALMOST
CHRISTMAS.
AND FOLKS IN AMERICA SEEM MORE
DIVIDED THAN EVER.
IF WE LISTEN IN TO SOME DINNER
CONVERSATIONS TONIGHT, I BET WE
FIND OUT WE HAVE MORE IN COMMON
THAN WE REALIZE.
NOW WE CAN LISTEN.
I HACKED INTO THREE NEST HOME
CAMS.
TAKE A LOOK.
♪♪♪
>> I'M SO HAPPY EVERYONE FLEW
HERE FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
AND I'M EVEN MORE HAPPY THAT
THEY DID IT.
THEY'RE IMPEACHING TRUMP.
>> MOM, COME ON.
WE SAID NO POLITICS TONIGHT.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT TOOK THEM
SO LONG.
TRUMP IS A CRIMINAL.
>> LOOK, HE VIOLATED THE
CONSTITUTION.
THERE HAS TO BE CONSEQUENCES.
>> HERE WE GO.
♪♪♪
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL, THEY DID IT.
THEY'RE IMPEACHING TRUMP.
>> DAD, STOP.
>> I'M SORRY, IT'S A DISGRACE.
WHAT CRIME DID HE EVEN COMMIT?
>> I GUESS THE CRIME OF BEING AN
ALPHA MALE WHO ACTUALLY GETS
THINGS DONE.
>> THE DEMOCRATS LOST THE
ELECTION.
NOW THEY'RE ATTEMPTING A COUP.
>> HERE WE GO.
♪♪♪
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> DAD, COME ON.
YOU'RE GOING TO RILE EVERYBODY
UP.
>> WHAT?
I'M JUST ASKING.
DO YOU GUYS THINK "BAD BOYS 3"
IS GONNA BE GOOD OR NOT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I MEAN, IT'S GOT TO BE GOOD.
WILL SMITH AND MARTIN LAWRENCE
BACK TOGETHER.
>> YEAH, BUT IS MARTIN LAWRENCE
STILL MARTIN LAWRENCE?
>> HEY, YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH.
THAT'S MARTIN LAWRENCE YOU
TALKING ABOUT.
>> LOOK, I HATE TO SAY THIS, BUT
CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT
POLITICS, INSTEAD?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, YOU MEAN HOW TRUMP IS
DEFINITELY GETTING IMPEACHED AND
THEN DEFINITELY GETTING
REELECTED?
I'M GOOD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHO COULD VOTE FOR TRUMP
AFTER THIS?
>> HOW COULD ANYONE NOT VOTE FOR
TRUMP AFTER THIS?
>> WHO YOU THINK IS GONNA GET
VOTED OFF "THE MASKED SINGER"
NEXT WEEK?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I THINK IT'S THE FOX.
>> YOU MEAN WAYNE BRADY?
>> WHAT?
THE FOX IS WAY TOO SMOOTH TO BE
WAYNE BRADY.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
I MEAN, IT'S OBVIOUSY
JAMIE FOXX.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I BET YOU FOX COULD BEAT TRUMP.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> DAD, TRUMP'S NOT GONNA WIN.
PEOPLE AREN'T GONNA VOTE FOR HIM
AGAIN.
COME ON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHITE PEOPLE ARE TELLING YOU, "I
MIGHT NOT VOTE FOR TRUMP THIS
TIME."
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S CALLED,
RIGHT?
A LIE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOBODY WAS GONNA VOTE FOR TRUMP
IN 2016 EITHER AND THEN GUESS
WHO DID?
EVERYBODY.
NOW SEE, YOU GOT ME ALL WORKED
UP.
I NEED DRINK.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND I JUST NEED TO SAY THIS.
IF OBAMA DID HALF THE STUFF
TRUMP DID, HE WOULD BE IN JAIL
ALREADY.
>> THE FACT IS OBAMA DID WAY
WORSE STUFF THAN TRUMP EVER DID
AND THEY DIDN'T IMPEACH HIM.
>> CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY DIDN'T
KILL OBAMA?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I THOUGHT FOR SURE THEY WAS
GOING TO KILL HIM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> GUYS, MAYBE WE SHOULD PUT ON
SOME CHRISTMAS MUSIC TO HELP
EVERYBODY RELAX?
>> MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
>> ALEXA, PLAY "BABY IT'S COLD
OUTSIDE."
>> ALEXA, PLAY THE POLITICALLY
CORRECT VERSION OF "BABY IT'S
COLD OUTSIDE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALEXA, PLAY "SANTA CLAUS IS
COMING TO TOWN BY
MICHAEL JACKSON."
>> DAD!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
PLAY "SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO
TOWN" BY THE JACKSON 5.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S BETTER.
>> YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE ALL
THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES BUT,
I'D TAKE ANY OF THEM OVER FOUR
MORE YEARS OF TRUMP.
>> I DON'T AGREE WITH EVERYTHING
TRUMP IS DOING, BUT HE'S WAY
BETTER THAN ANY OF THOSE
DEMOCRATS.
>> YOU KNOW WHO I'M STARTING TO
LIKE A LOT IS THAT
PETE BUTTIGIEG.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> OKAY, OKAY, DAD, THAT'S A
GOOD ONE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, MY GOD.
I JUST GOT A NOTIFICATION.
I TWEETED A PHOTO OF TRUMP'S
HEAD ON THE BODY OF A CHARMIN
BEAR, AND HE DIDN'T REALIZE IT
WAS A JOKE AND HE RETWEETED IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH MY GOD, I TWEETED THAT
NANCY PELOSI WAS A LIBTARD
COMMIEY AND TRUMP RETWEETED IT
AND HE NOMINATED ME TO BE A
FEDERAL JUDGE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY.
NOW, I JUST CHECKED BLACK
TWITTER.
>> HEY, WHY DON'T WE ALL SAY A
SECULAR BLESSING OF THANKS.
KEVIN, YOU WANT TO LEAD US?
>> I'D LOVE TO.
DEAR GENDER NEUTRAL SPIRIT --
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> DEAR WHITE AMERICAN JESUS --
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> DEAR HISTORICALLY CORRECT
BLACK JESUS --
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THANK YOU FOR NO MORE
KNEELING IN THE NFL.
>> THANK YOU, LORD, FOR THE NOT
ONE, NOT TWO, BUT THREE BLACK
QUARTERBACKS WHO HAVE BEAT
TOM BRADY THIS SEASON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
COLIN KAEPERNICK, YOU MOVE IN
MYSTERIOUS WAYS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THANK YOU FOR SUPER BOWL
HALFTIME SHOW.
>> AMEN.
>> AMEN.
>> THOSE THREE MAY SEEM
DIFFERENT BUT THEY LIVE IF VOTES
WHERE THEIR VOTES DON'T MATTER.
NONE OF THEM LIVE IN THE THREE
STATES THAT DECIDE THE ELECTION.
IT ALL COMES DOWN TO A THOUSAND
PEOPLE IN WISCONSIN WHO WON'T
EVEN THINK ABOUT THE ELECTION
UNTIL THE MORNING OF.
AND THAT'S THE MAGIC OF THE
ELECTORAL COLLEGE.
MY NAME IS GRETA THUNBERG.
AN --
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND I ALSO HAVE A CHRISTMAS
MESSAGE.
IN TEN YEARS, THIS SNOWMAN WON'T
EXIST.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HER HOME WILL BE A PUDDLE.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
SANTA, REINDEER, THE NORTH POLE,
ALL OF IT, GONE.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
THE ICE CAPS WILL MELT AND THE
ELVES WILL DROWN.
>> GRETA.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT?
YOU SAID KEEP IT LIGHT.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
SO MERRY, MAYBE OUR LAST,
CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND
DONALD TRUMP, STEP TO ME AND I
WILL COME AT HIM LIKE A PLASTIC
STRAW COMES AT A TURTLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I CANNOT --
[ APPLAUSE ]
I CANNOT BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS
TO A 70-YEAR-OLD MAN, BUT GROW
UP.
>> AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT.
