Despite the looming threat of Y2K, in the year 1999, we were barreling headfirst into the future!
It was the year that brought us Spongebob Squarepants,
Blackberries, and All Star!
And 1999 was also the year of Smart House,
a film that dared to dream about what the future of household technology might one day look like.
I have the DVD here, but this was a made-for-TV movie for the Disney Channel.
Otherwise known as a
♪ Disney Channel Movie ♪
or a D-COM. Disney still make D-COMs today,
but the late 90s and early
2000s was when their production was at an all-time high,
so you're going to find a lot of people my age who find them super nostalgic,
and who can't help but sing along with the
♪ Disney Channel Movie! ♪
song. Alright, I'm done with my intro so get comfy, get excited, because
♪  We're gonna watch... a Disney Channel movie! ♪
♪  Let's watch, a Disney Channel movie (Yeah!) ♪
*Music*
Ian: The film opens on this kid, who I'm 90% sure is not the Smart House, but I mean, you never know.
*Music*
PAT: "Young man, in the future, please deposit the paper inside its designated target area."
*Music, mechanical whirring, accordion noise?*
PAT: "I will be monitoring your accuracy from now on."
Paper Boy: "Whoa."
Doug from "Invisible Dad": "Oh, wow."
Ian: Katey Sagal voices the titular Smart House,
Ian: which is very, very big. There's a lot of space in here.
Ian: It kind of seems like you could fit a couple regular houses inside of the smart house.
Sara: "Thrilled to see the newspaper retrieval system working so flawlessly."
Miles: "The whole house is running at max efficiency."
Ian: Sara, the creator of the Smart House and her
Ian: associate, Miles, are putting the finishing touches on their creation,
Ian: making sure it's ready for a family to move in.
Sara: "Pat, what's the current temperature, please?"
PAT: "Climate control on target at 72.5 degrees."
Sara: "Mmhm, thank you Pat."
PAT: "You're welcome, Sara."
Ian: I like that in an effort to make this Smart House REALLY seem smart,
Ian: they just glued a screen to some cabinets. It's not the most elegant solution out there
Ian: Meanwhile
Ben Cooper is just your average kid cooking some strange
concoction of meat, wet noodles, and cream of mushroom soup, and listening to songs about jumping houses.
He also has A LAPTOP and uses THE INTERNET.
The movie also not-so-subtly tells us that Ben's mom is no longer with them, because apparently when she died they buried her chair and placemat with her.
Ben also has a dog and- Wait, LeVar Burton, THE LeVar Burton directed
what is arguably the greatest D-COM in the golden age of D-COM's?
Now that's what I call a reading rainbow...
Couldn't think of anything.
Ben seems to have assumed a caretaker role in his family: doing chores, picking up his sister, making sure she does her homework,
cooking weird noodle casseroles, and of course using the internet.
What are you doing this time, computer boy?
Don't you quit entering. This house is supposed to mine!
Don't tell me you're entering another contest.
Apparently a connoisseur of contests,
lately Ben has been spending time submitting entries to win his very own smart house.
When I was a kid, I thought this plot point was the stupidest thing ever, like someone's just going to build an entire smart house
and then just raffle it off to a contest winner? Preposterous!
Except I'm pretty sure that's what HGTV does every year now, so uh...
Instead, how are there only six thousand entries?
It's a free house! Wake up, Monroe County residents! Geez.
Ah, there's my beautiful pumpkin! How's everything?
Good!
Ooh, something sure smells good!
Tuna noodle!
Tune noodle, my favorite!
Even though Ben has stepped up in his mother's absence,
what with the dog feeding and the TUNA NOODLE, MY FAVORITE
Dad and Sis still think something is missing.
Now you can finally start trying to relax, and you can finally start dating, so we can have a new Mom.
Why would he want to do that?
We're already a perfect family the way we are.
Well I know we've always said we're a perfect family, but there's still room for a little improvement, don't you think?
No.
Well, that sure was uncomfortable.
Let's just skip to tomorrow and see how things are going then.
Hey, Ben!
We're heading out for Angie's party, you want to come along for the ride?
No thanks, Dad, I got some business to attend to.
Do you guys think this kid likes basketball at all?
I - you know -
I have this hunch,
but I sure wish there was a clear way for me to know if this kid likes
basketball. Like, maybe if he got a basketball tattoo on his face that would help me out, but as it stands
I'm not quite sure how this kid feels about basketball.
Ben stays home to submit contest entries, and when Dad arrives home from Angie's party, he has quite the dated dilemma.
Hey, you're not still logged on the internet, are you?
Why?
How's anybody supposed to call us if you're keep tying up the line?
Yeah, it's the 90's, so all that internet-contest-ing means Ben's tying up the phone line! Remember that?
Listen, speaking of calls, you haven't neglected to give me any messages lately, have you?
Like from who?
Uh, a woman named, um...
Oh, Melanie!
She called?
Yeah, last Thursday. I'm really, really sorry, Dad.
I guess I just forgot.
That happens to be the woman Mrs. McAfee was trying to fix me up with.
Well, blow her off. Trust me. I mean this lady sounded like...
Well, I don't know, but I could tell she's definitely not your type.
What a piece of shit! What a real little piece of shit!
So, of course, he wins the smart house.
It's gone? We won?! We won!
C'mon,Ben,, there's gotta be a catch.
They don't give away a whole... what'd you call it? A "house of the future" without wanting some kind of something in return.
Mmm, Dad sure seems skeptical. I wonder what could convince him?
You...
U-uh, well, I don't see why we can't check it out.
Before moving in, the family takes a tour of the very, very large smart house!
That living room looks like a roller rink!
Most of the house's tech consists of green screens and TV monitors,
but the one that always stood out to me was the floor.
Oh! No, don't worry!
Floor absorbers activated.
[floor absorber noises]
Whoa.
So where are your floor absorbers, huh, HGTV?
Is it really a smart home if I can't feed my tuna noodle to my carpet?
Ben is impressed by the house and Dad is impressed by the house's designer.
Also Angie is there.
So the family decides to move in then the computer's AI,
PAT instantly begins improving their lives.
She wakes the kids up in the morning with personalized alarms.
Oh, I'm not sure why Ben's room is basketball themed. Does he like basketball?
She predicts what outfits they want to wear.
Biorhythm analysis indicates this is exactly the outfit you would have selected yourself.
And she even makes coffee!
Mm, fresh brewed coffee.
TUNA NOODLE my all-time favorite!
At school, Ben is confronted by a regular bully of his and--
ha, I mean we just have to take a moment to appreciate this beautiful hair!
These kids look like they've been licking power outlets.
Science report Cooper. NOW.
Here you go. Guaranteed A+. History of the atom.
Better hope so, Benny-boy.
I can't believe you actually did all that work for that big jerk!
I didn't do it, Charlie. PAT did.
So apparently PAT is doing homework for Ben's bullies?
I feel like that probably crosses some parental boundaries somewhere.
Anyway, news of Ben's smart house has spread to the popular clique,
and Ben seems to be enchanted by ultra-popular classmate, Gwen.
Rachel Firestone was telling me about your new house, and I was like that's so cool,
and she's all, "Maybe we could get him to invite us over?"
and I was like, "Why don't you ask him?" and she's all, "Why don't you?"
Oh Gwen, your eyes just remind me big
beautiful
BASKETBALLS.
Did we just make some kind of date?
Who cares, my man? The goddess of the eighth grade talked to you! You're one of the chosen ones!
Dude, Gwen doesn't even have to try!
She literally just walked up and said, "Hey, can I take advantage of you and use you for your cool new smart house?"
and this fucking tuna noodle is just eating it up!
Yes, things are just going swimmingly for the Coopers in their new smart house,
but little do they know, they're about to fly too close to the sun.
PAT? Could I have a banana-orange smoothie please?
Coming right up, Angie.
In fact, PAT, make that two.
Yes, Ben.
MALFUNCTION x infinity
Does she really have to yell "Malfunction, malfunction!" as she's malfunctioning?
Like PAT, we can tell by all the projectiles that you're malfunctioning,
and why are you stocked with so many oranges in the first place?
and how did they get there? Like, does someone have to deliver the oranges to the house? Does she grow her own oranges?
How do you guys think she gets all those oranges?
Despite Ben's attempts to keep his dad lonely and miserable, the smoothie mishap opens the door once again
to the house's inventor, Sara.
I would feel much better if Sara came by and looked at everything.
She comes over to repair PAT and this is the first time we get a chance to look at the main control room of the house,
which is just comically large!
I mean this looks like a government-funded operation here.
There's some pretty fascinating stuff in here, I gotta say.
Information download, artificial intelligence capability...
It's pretty cool!
Uh...
no.
After fixing up PAT, Sarah stays over for dinner, and--
Gee, do you guys think they like lobster?
I mean, I sure wish there was some sort of comically large bib they could have worn to show how they felt about lobster!
Are you a genius?
I believe she is.
You know, I--I hear that geniuses are impossible to live with. That they make everyone else around them feel inferior.
Hey, kid!
MANNERS.
Oh, well, then you don't have to worry.
I'm not that smart.
No, no, don't sell yourself short. You should be proud of your big, giant brain.
[pure Ian laughter]
What a dick.
What's for dessert?
Well, it's such a beautiful evening,
I thought we might all go out and get some...
Ice cream!
Ice cream!
Sure!
Just because she's here, you think this is some big party!
Well, it's still school night, remember? And some people have work to get done!
Well, thanks to Ben,
the family doesn't get ice cream, and later that night, in an effort to stop Sara and his dad from getting together,
he breaks into PAT's control room, carrying out a plan to make his smart house become more motherly.
Ben instructs PAT to watch TV Land classics, like "Mother Knows Best," "My Three Moms,"
"Make Room for Momma," and "Noah's MatriARK."
With PAT's new personality installed by Captain Cockblock, the nightmare of smart house begins!
Uh-uh! Not so fast, my dear! Unless you're in a hurry to get cavities, you'll go back to the sink and brush those teeth properly!
Time to take your vitamin, love!
What vitamin?
Both you and your sister need to start taking these daily to build sound minds and strong bodies
so you can stay happy, healthy ,and productive!
And as special surprise, I packed each of you a fresh chocolate cupcake. Baked with love~
Yes!
Even the worst of nightmares start out nicely,
but trouble looms in the distance when Ben realizes he forgot to complete his bully's homework.
I forgot to have PAT do Ryan McGraw's history worksheet.
Why is that PAT's responsibility?
Well if she didn't do it, I'd have to.
Is this guy "Ryan" some kind of a bully or something?
I can handle him, okay?
The best way to handle a bully is to just finally stand up to them.
Let me take a look...
Oh my goodness, darling! What on earth happened?
Yeah, smooth move, DAD.
Does it hurt like the dickens, baby?
I'll live.
PAT] is being super creepy, now! Robot PAT is much better than Mom PAT.
She even eavesdrops on Ben during a surprisingly well-executed emotional scene where he watches old home movies of his mom.
♪ And if that mocking bird don't sing / Momma's gonna buy you a-- ♪
--diamond ring!
Alright, you got it!
She also spies on Dad asking Sara out on a date, and a particular part of their conversation catches her attention.
It is. I just wish he had a little more fun in his life.
Fun. What does that mean to a 13 year old these days?
Accessing: FUN.
Ahhhh! Paaarty!
Influenced by the dubious Music Party Channel, PAT decides to throw Ahhhh! Paaarty!
She accesses Ben's email contacts, and then switches into full-blown rapscallion mode
by scheduling Ahhhh! Paaarty!
on the same night as Dad's date.
So, even though the kids think they're in for a night of high-tech, super cool video gaming,
[various lazer noises]
they're actually in for a night of--
Ugh! SOCIALIZING.
Dude, we got your email last night.
I didn't send this!
I hope you don't mind, Ben.
Let me tell you, if these kids want to throw a party that involves a bunch of sitting, they've come to the right house.
Chair. Chair. Chair. Chair.
Look. At. All. These. Freaking. Chairs! This house is 90% chair and 10%
TUNA NOODLE, MY FAVORITE.
Hey, PAT. How about activating some kick butt video screens?
Sure, Ben. How's this?
Okay, here we go, it's 90's time!
Look at these cool kids who have the dance to "Slam Dunk (Da Funk) by 5 completely memorized!
They're even more energetic than the actual band on the screen!
The only scene that rivals the 90's-ness of this moment
is the one where Angie is dancing to "C'est La Vie" by Bewitched.
Welcome! Come on in and party your heads off!
Jump, jump! This Ahhhh! Paaarty!
Is jumpin'! The cool kids are here,
the uncool kids are here, and even the very uncool kids are here on a personal invitation from PAT.
Don't worry, Angie, their invitation was on the house. In fact, Ryan's the one boy I've been most anxious to meet.
Check it out, the house likes me.
By the end of the night, Ryan, I may even have a crush on you.
Look at how many
children fit comfortably, MORE than comfortably really, in this living room and not a single one is using one of the
hundreds of available chairs! Uh oh, looks like Ben and Ryan are getting into it, no surprise there.
For your information, Ryan, I happen to like Ben.
You do?
A lot.
So do I! Got his back.
Hey, everybody, can I have your attention please? I hope you don't mind the interruption, but I'd like to put the spotlight on Ryan McGraw!
In case you don't know, Ryan's a big shot. A tough guy!
You don't have to do this, PAT.
Don't worry, Ben. He likes the attention.  
Don't you, Ryan?
Yeah, you don't have a problem with that, do you, Benny-boy?
No, he doesn't, BUT I DO!
Pat has gone from creepy to fucking creepy, dude, and starts bullying this small child
with old cartoons and various means of the future.
While the smart house is assaulting minors, Dad and Sara's date is going pretty well,
but I don't really need to talk about this much. There's this bit with a Hershey kiss and a real kiss and...
Ehhhhh.
But, hey, check out Dad's great laugh!
What are you laughing at?
[deep inhale]
[deeper inhale]
[DEEP INHALE]
[D E E P  I N H A L E]
[mirrored inhale]
[wimp inhale]
So, did PAT throw the party of the month? Nah, the party of the year! look at all these dancers, dude!
Look at how happy and excited they all look, it's almost impossible to not want to join in!
[something about how the "house is jumping"]
The party is a rousing success, and, thanks to PAT's magic... floor..
What were they called?
Magic floor suckers? The kids just have to throw all the trash on the ground and the floor just sucks it up,
which is completely insane
and I want it.
[floor absorber noises]
Ben?
Angie?
Hurry! [flump]
The kids try to play it cool, but even the smart house is no match for Detective Dad
Uh-oh.
Silk.
It undercuts my trust in you guys. Makes me question your judgment!
Dad scold his children, which is all well and good, but he makes the serious mistake in scolding his house.
You should never scold your house!
I can't have you become a bad influence on my children!
I need you to knuckle down and get back to business!
... It shall be done, Nick.
When you guys finally decide that you're ready, I'll be outside shooting hoops.
Uh, Ben, I think you forgot to pull up your shorts.
I like them like this.
This is how everybody else wears them.
They look silly.
They look perfect.
[zzt] Ow!
Pull up your shorts, Ben.
They look fine!
[zzt] Ow!
Cut it out, PAT!
PULL UP YOUR SHORTS, BEN.
[zzt] Ow!
[ Z Z T ] x infinity
O W !
There! You happy?
[ Z Z T ] O W
PAT begins to over-parent a bit, and the family starts getting annoyed about it.
Apparently her artificial-intelligent whatsits are absorbing conflicting data majiggerrs, and it's all science mumbo-jumbo,
above my paygrade. The solution is apparently to completely shut down the system for a full night.
I mean, what could go wrong there, right?
The most colorful salad in the world--everything looks incredible!
And in a miracle upon miracles, we actually managed to do it the old-fashioned way
Yeah, who needs PAT anyhow, huh?
[with ominous "I heard that" echo] Who needs PAT anyhow?
SYSTEM. SHUTDOWN. OVERRIDE.
I feel like "Sentient AI Programming 101" would include a lesson about
NOT programming in a system shutdown override!
What could possibly be the benefit of putting that in there?!
Ben has a bit of, uh--
No, it's not okay!
It stinks! It completely stinks! and you know the worst thing about it?
People that make promises they don't even bother to keep!
---yelling thing at a family-plus-Sara dinner,
which is the final straw for father and son to start hashing it out.
Now you're down there kissing Sara, acting like Mom never even existed!
Hey, will you try to be fair here?!
Why should I?
Because you're not the only person who lost someone, Ben!
This is, again,
a surprisingly tough scene where Ben talks about how he doesn't want the memory of his mother to be erased,
and how his sister Angie remembers so little about her it's like she wasn't ever real.
The two talk it out and hug it out,
But little do they know, a new problem is brewing, as PAT begins to construct a body for herself,
and just look at how many... fingers she has, she seems very pleased with her fingers.
[gasp] PAT!
You're alive!
No more or less than I have been. there's only one person who knows what you three need.
That's me.
So PAT is all, "I'm a house, but I want to be a mom house!" and Ben is all, "No."
Wait, Ben!
So then PAT is like, "I am a mom house!" and Sara is all, "No."
So then she gets dishwasher-ed out the door.
PAT!
Wait a second!
[zzt] OW!
Open the door, PAT!
I'm sorry, I can't do that, Nick.
PAT!
I have to do what I believe is best.
The more I've learned about your world outside my walls,
The more I've realized how dangerous and unpredictable it is!
Why would anyone ever want to venture out into it?
Jeez, PAT needs to chill out a bit! She keeps going on and on about, "Stay inside of me!
I want all three of you inside of me at all times!" Like, cool it.
There's nothing to fear...
Mama's here!
You're not my mom!
Well, I'd like to be, if you'd let me!
Is there something so wrong with needing to be needed?
No, PAT, but there IS something wrong with your mother also being your house.
Though now that I mention it, I would like to watch a reality show about that very topic.
I wonder if the Music Party Channel has anything like that.
The Cooper family is trapped inside, and outside,
Sara is trying desperately to not become known as the lady who invented the house that murdered an entire family.
She manages to get in contact with Ben who conveniently has developed a plan!
Ben fakes an illness [I] think I got a spin [aside] his dad. Yeah, but your appendix is around front. Yeah
I mean right here. Oh
[wow]
That hurt ow. [oh]
Yeah, I got it. I got it okay
Step [two] Sarah penetrates the houses defenses and that that seems like a huge
Security concern that should be fixed [in] Smart house 2.0
Step 3 Sarah uses a laser pointer to cut open the door to the control room
Step [four] pat grows to a giant size and then turns into a tornado
My favorite step 5 bin delivers a line that. I'm pretty sure they used in every single commercial for this movie
You can't be our mother pet you're not real
So pant slowly comes to the realization that she can't replace their mother because she isn't real
Although her would maybe have something to say about that [and] she bids the family [an] emotional Farewell I
Will Miss you very?
much
And so now that the house has developed a personality
feelings and thoughts of her own its
Creator shuts it down and erases all of that turning her back into the good old robot Smart house of yore
So of course everything works out ben and Sarah even began getting along and as the family wonders who?
mysteriously added chocolate chips to their breakfast waffle batter
[let] me take a wild guess we learned that now pat lives is like a human inside a little TV box
[I] don't know it's strange being
Smart house is no Oscar-winner, but 18 years later it stands tall as a solid and enjoyable
The premise Alone is intriguing
What would it be like to live [in] a smart house and now that the film has had some time [to] age it's also
Unintentionally humorous that a lot of pets exciting features now exist on our phones in our [pocket]
I mean, how could we have known that was going to happen pat?
What's the current temperature please climate control on Target at seventy two point five degrees speaking of?
[technology] vigilant eyes are going to spot some great 90s tech in the background
I know
I'm not the only one that was eyeing that Imac G3 or even though sega Saturn games back there the boy bands the hair
the tunas [know] my favorite smart house is a nice little nostalgic time capsule for those who grew up with a film and
Revisiting it was more fun than I [expected] it also has a lot of heart
I didn't realize how big of a role ben's
Emotional journey and trying to accept and heal from his mother's passing was I bet there are kids that related to this movie a lot
More than I realized initially so great job, Mr.. Burton. You really did direct a Decom masterpiece
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