- The arena.
The square circle.
Sweaty, oiled bodies
clashing against one another
for the delight of rednecks
and alt comedy hipsters.
Who will take home the title?
The world championship?
The belt?
This is Table Pop.
Hey everybody, I'm Brian Miller.
I'm your host and game
master and this is Table Pop.
This is our RPG show where we play
role playing games based
on pop culture properties,
that don't tend to deserve them,
or sometimes popular role
playing sub-genres that
we just think will be fun anyway.
Right now I'm so excited to introduce,
our players, slash wrestlers.
First up, he sits next to me most
of the time during the day,
his name is Eli Yudin.
Today he is playing the Russian
big boy Sergey Botkovitch.
Next up we've got, the
only one among us who knows
anything about wrestling, Kath Barbadoro.
She hosts Wrestlesplania
and What A Time To Be Alive,
both phenominal podcasts,
but today she's joining
our podcast to play Summer Shavasna.
I'm not sure I got that right
but it's fine we'll fix it later.
And finally,
Carolyn Page.
She loves Magic The Gathering
and making goofy faces
at me when I'm trying to
stay silent for soundchecks.
Today she's joining us
as The Cheesemonger,
the most ridiculous
character I've ever seen.
You can stop now.
- Fair enough.
- Hey everybody.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Welcome to Table Pop, again.
I just did that but we're back.
How's everybody doing?
Kath, thank you so much for joining this
very stupid show.
(clapping)
- I don't totally know what I'm in for,
but I'm wearing a cool wig
so I'm excited about it.
- There you go, imagine
doing a podcast with you.
- It's a very strange scenario to be,
this is where they're usually,
well no actually usually
you're on this side of me,
so I feel comfortable.
- Yeah, it's off.
We should have made sure
that they were synchronized,
our seating arrangements.
The extended Kath probably
do a podcast universe
continues to expand by the day.
- Yeah, I'm planting a
flag in this territory
it is now part of the
Kath Barbadoro extended
podcast universe.
- Wonderful, that's the only universe
I want to be a part of.
- Same.
- Great, hell yeah.
So Kath you are also, like I said above,
you're the only one among us who actually
knows a lot about wrestling.
- Yeah.
- So I'm excited to see how
well we manage to translate
this into an accurate portrayal,
and how off the rails it goes.
- Yeah I'm excited.
Please at any point if I
am nerding out too much
and getting too into the
minutia of wrestling--
- Do it.
- Just slap me on the hand and I'll stop.
- Just go for it dog, man.
- That's our whole thing.
- Yeah we slap the table
and then you grab your hand right?
- Yeah that's the way we work it yeah.
- I've been punished.
- Actually you act like
you're slapping my hand
but you slap your leg.
- Yeah.
- So it sounds like
you're slapping my hand.
- Here, wait, let's try.
Act like you're nerding out too much.
- Okay.
Well, so Minoru Suzuki,
when he was young he was--
- Ah.
(slaps leg)
- Wow, real wrestlers.
- You know what it's
called when you pretend to
get hit when someone slaps their leg?
- What?
- When I'm like (slap)?
Then you have to sell, that's what it is.
- Oh yeah.
- Acting like you're
hurt is called selling.
- I feel like we're in
extremely good hands.
- Don't worry, I got ya.
- Great.
Guys, do you want to
introduce the wrestlers
you'll be playing as tonight,
real fast I kinda want to go over the...
Basically, the situation
we're in is The Dorkly started
their own wrestling league,
The Dorkly Wrestling Domination League.
And it was a huge mistake,
we shouldn't have done it,
it was a huge waste of resources.
We weren't prepared for it.
This is the championship match,
tickets way overpriced,
this might be the last one though.
If you guys don't put on the
greatest show that's ever
been wrestled, it's shutting down for good
and you guys are gonna work security
for the rest of your lives.
- Oh no.
- Shit, alright.
- So the pressure is on.
By the end of this show, not only will we
find out who gets the title belt,
we'll also find out if the
audiences just hates the show
and we'll never--
- We certainly will find out.
- Vocal people on the internet.
- So I apologize, without further ado,
Eli, who is your big burly boy?
- Well first of all, these surprisingly
are not prescription.
- [Host] If anyone's audio only,
your full like, what's the name, Jordy?
- [Kath] Jordy Rizer yes.
- So I may have to take
them off and put them on
when I'm in character but today, what?
- I saw your, when we were
devising our characters,
you just had a bullet
on yours that just said
robot eye, question mark.
I really enjoyed that.
- Look, I just really swing for the fences
and a visor's a good second.
I looked up and I was like I feel like
that's makeup or something,
but then I was like
oh that's like something
you'd win an Oscar for
and not something we do here at the table.
My character today, I am
wrestling as Sergey Botkovich
I am the one man Twitter farm.
I run multiple, multiple
fake twitter accounts
and confuse your parents,
tell them fake things,
that's what it is.
I'm a heel obviously,
I guess depending on your allegiances,
I would be like,
"I tweet your mom tell her
earth is flat" (laughs).
That's sort of like the stuff I would do.
And then your mom would call you
and be like "is the earth flat"?
And you'd be like "mom, it's me".
And my style of wrestling
is power, big and strong.
- Amazing.
Kath who are you?
- I, today am Summer Shavasna,
a raw foodist Yogi
who is here to convert my fellow
wrestlers away from their
destructive carnist habits.
And I'm a pacifist but in
order to fight for the rights
of all living souls on this planet
and convince you guys to stop eating meat,
I am prepared to resort to force.
- It's like bombing a
country to stop a war,
it's just, you have to.
- Exactly.
- Beautiful.
- Pretty pro life there too,
you got a really
interesting political take.
- Well we're a tag team
here, a heel tag team.
We originally met when I convinced her to
vote for Jill Stein.
I've also turned you
against vaccines I think.
- Oh yeah.
I have all the crystals I
need, I don't need vaccines.
- But vaccine has disease in
it, mercury, so much mercury.
RDMs are leaked.
- It actually works out
great because most wrestling
promotions are terrible
to work for and don't give
any of the wrestlers health insurance,
so I'm very cheap because I just,
it's all homeopathic, so it's fine.
- You're doing reiki
on your shattered leg.
- Exactly.
- And finally, in a big cheese hat,
what's your deal man?
- I'm The Cheesemonger, a
noble cheese based queen,
here to teach you the fon-do's
and fon-don'ts of life.
And as a mold based character,
I'm definitely pro vaccine.
- That's really what all
of this comes down to.
That's what we're going to settle today.
- I'm the face, which is as
I've learned this past week,
the good guys in wrestling,
and the heels are the bad guys.
- Yeah, so the way it's
been described to me is that
generally speaking, the heels
are people who disrespect
wrestling and the faces are
people who respect wrestling.
And every wrestling match
is just a battle for the
honor of wrestling as a concept.
- I love this, and the
more that you describe it
like an anime, the more into it I am.
- It is a hundred percent an anime.
- I'm in.
- Wrestling is an anime, that's...
- Completely.
- Amazing.
Let's do a quick, previously on.
Because of course storylines
stretch multiple matches right?
- Sure.
- So how did we end up
in the situation where
The Cheesemonger is taking
on Sergey and Summer
in the championship match?
- This was originally supposed
to be a two on two match,
and my team mate The Dairy Damsel
who was a milk based character,
these guys somehow--
- We drugged her backstage.
- Where is team mate?
I thought was two verse
two, what happened.
- But you guys have her
tied up or something.
- Milk does make you very slow,
intellectually and physically.
Lactose, dairy, it's really unhealthy,
she's probably on the toilet somewhere.
Not through any devising on our part,
she's just probably
busy dealing with her body
shutting down from putting
a cows pus inside of it.
- Yeah.
(laughs) cows pus.
- That's not true.
This is another heel turn,
I'm turning into character,
kids at home, do not
drink milk is bad for you.
- Drink lemonade with a
little bit of cayenne pepper
and maple syrup only.
- Yes, eat cayenne pepper children.
- Is there a risk that the
fight just won't happen
or that you're throwing in the towel?
What's spurring you on?
- No, The Cheesemonger never backs down.
Also you guys are super wrong,
a lot of people eat dairy,
a lot of cultures rely
on dairy all the time.
- [Kath] They're wrong.
- For thousands of years,
cheese as even used as a
means to transport salt
which was a currency
in a lot of places.
- [Kath] You did your research.
- That's true.
I do know a lot about cheese.
- I was literally
expecting a cultures joke,
like yogurt based thing
there, but fuck you.
- No, fuck you.
- Salt, while not coming
from an animal, is also
not good for you, because it tastes good
and therefore it can't
be healthy I'm sorry.
- Trust her, she is very anemic.
That's one of the
problems that we have is,
your weakness in the ring is that you
you bleed so easy.
- My bones just snap
'cause I have no calcium.
- I have strong bones.
- Alright so the stakes are set.
I think we have to do one
of the most important things
that I know of with wrestling
and my limited knowledge,
I think we have to go backstage
and cut some promos real fast.
Just to see how hyped up we're gonna
get the audience beforehand.
So let's go backstage.
- Or the stage is going back.
- The stage is coming back to us.
- Stage is coming back
to us by a masked man.
- Eli would you like to go first?
- Hello everybody, Sergey
Botkovitch your favorite
wrestler, very good.
Today we are supposed to fight
Cheesemonger, the only thing
stinkier than her cheese
is her fucking personality.
- [Kath] You're nailing it.
- She come and she ruined the locker room,
whole locker room smell like fancy shop.
No, it's bad, she spread
don't eat milk, don't
eat cheese only eat meat
and almonds and
kids, kids listen to me,
three things in this world is true,
meat is good for you,
milk is bad for you,
and George Soros pay for
lizard people take over governments.
And then I want to have
some like, I just start,
I don't know I should have learned a,
(speaking gibberish)
- Amazing, unbelievable.
So Summer.
- Thank you, thank you
backstage for coming to me.
First of all Namaste, thank you all for
being present with me this evening.
I'm so glad we could all
come together in this space.
But now that we're here,
I need to talk to you about
something very important.
And that is animal product consumption.
This Cheesemonger,
first of all monger is a
disgusting word, I have
never monged in my like okay.
Second of all, cheese as I
said, is terrible for you,
it makes you fart which is
disgusting and something
I personally have never done.
And second of all it
misalligns your chakras,
it ruins your chi, it's disgusting.
And what this Cheesemonger is
promoting, is bad for society.
You can't make cheese without
heating the pus of a cow
to a certain degree, which
as I have said many times,
destroys the nutrients in food.
Why drink milk when you
can just press some almonds
overnight and then put them in a blender
and then put that in
your latte, am I right?
I mean, this is ridiculous,
everyone thinks she is good.
She is a faker, she is a liar
and I am here to put a stop to it.
- Love it.
Cheesemonger are you gonna stand for that?
- No way, America stands for a few things,
nachos, freedom, poutine which is Canadian
but still, cheese curds.
No we will not stand for this,
we're not gonna let these
Russians and these fucking hippies
take our nation and our cheese.
Cheese whiz, American cheese.
I'm gonna fight for you,
for wrestling,
for cheese.
- Amazing.
- Great work everyone.
- So now we can go back
in the front of the stage,
backstage has to go, thank you backstage.
- [Eli] Goodbye backstage.
- [Kath] Thank you backstage.
- [Carolyn] Thank you backstage.
- [Kath] Cheesemonger
can I ask you a question?
- [Carolyn] Yes.
- Usually tag teams, they usually have
a name associated with them,
what is your tag team name?
With The Dairy Damsel?
- I think The Cow Pow.
That feels right.
- What do you think ours is?
- I mentioned one the
other day that I enjoyed,
which was the Jill Stein WMDs.
- We're here to fight for her honor.
She also a fellow crystal
believer from what I know.
- [Carolyn] Super political today.
I like it.
- I think we're gonna solve
all of the political ills
of the nation through cheese and Russians.
- We're also here to
announce the Table Pop,
we're running in 2020.
The three of us are
running for co-president
and then each week we'll
have a guest president on
to be president with us.
- [Kath] That's a cool idea.
- Role playing games have
a root in tatoo war games.
- Teaches you a lot
about diplomacy I think.
- Yeah.
- I think so.
- Absolutely.
- Put some DND players in charge.
- Teaches you about tactics and lying.
- this is how negotiations would go
with most DND player that I've had,
okay, we got a letter from attack them,
I attack.
- I'd like to have sex
with that farmhand please.
- I seduce Korea, is that roll for Korea?
- And then just the constant,
are you, do you really, do you do that?
Do you do that?
A quiet goes over the stadium.
The national anthem is
sung by some very c-level-
- [Eli] People are crying at it.
- You want to hear
something great about WWE?
This makes me laugh a lot.
Instead of doing the national anthem,
the sing America The Beautiful,
and my theory on that is
because WWE is a fake sport
they sing the fake national anthem.
It's really funny to me, I have no idea,
I think Vince McMahon just
likes it better or something.
You sing the fake
approximation of the thing
for the fake approximation of the sport.
It's beautiful.
- The announcers are getting
ripped up into a frenzy,
summing up everybody's motives.
So who would get the first introduction?
Would you guys come out as a pair?
Would you come out separately?
Would we introduce our hero first?
How does that typically go?
- I feel like you're still
looking for Dairy Damsel.
- [Brian} Good Point.
- Dramatically like,
looking backstage.
- We know that we did something.
I wanted to be one of
those way over the top
things from wrestling where they're like
where's your partner?
And then they threw them
in a pit or something.
- I just find a milk
pail filled with blood.
- Can we get a video package of that?
- We mailed her somewhere.
- We do a backstage promo
and there's a backstage
segment of us capturing her and
mailing her to Facebook
HQ or something similar.
I'm trying to think of some...
We get her on WebMD and convince her
she has a chronic condition,
that's what my move is and
then you just attack her.
- I concern her, I show
her lots of those images on
the internet that's just
like, a leg with a sock on it
that says like, are you going to die?
And I'm like, you are wearing sock, no?
Maybe get check out.
- And then she realizes she
has chronic Lyme disease
and she retires.
- [Eli] Just gone forever.
- So this video package is
playing out for the audience.
As the music begins to swell,
I want you guys to do is,
one of you, you can
choose, make a tights roll.
Basically all the
characters have a number,
and the two stats are tights and fights,
stole this from a game that
is going around the internet
called tights and fights,
that's really fun.
But if you are rolling tights,
you want to roll under your number.
If you're rolling fights,
better at like physical stuff,
you want to roll over your number.
I'm gonna have one of you, of your choice,
take two dice and roll tights.
- You wanna do it? You want me to do it?
- Let me just put on my real glasses.
- What we're gauging is how,
like, audience response.
- We wanna get under our number right?
- For tens yes.
- I have a higher number
than you so I should roll.
- Yeah.
I'm very well balanced, I'd
be the starter character
if this was a video game.
- [Carolyn] You're the priest.
- [Eli] You're really good at tight stuff.
- So I get two dice?
- [Brian] Yes and you want
to roll, hopefully, ideally,
both dice are under your number.
- Okay.
Four and what's the other one?
- [Brian] Five.
- Four and five.
Okay my number is five,
so one of them is under.
- Okay one of them is under,
so the audience is feeling it out.
But also we hit on one
of the most important
mechanics of this game,
is when you roll your
number something happen.
- Something happens.
- I should have rolled
that here but I didn't.
- But you rolled a one?
- I rolled a one so I have a table
of things that could go down.
We'll deal with that when
the time is appropriate.
- It's like wild magic
Kath, don't ya know?
- [Kath] Sure I get it.
- We'll deal with that
when the time is right.
The audience is like, they're alright,
they're warming up.
- [Kath] They're gonna see where it goes.
- Couple of them are still
like, getting beers and
sitting down.
- Yeah filing in.
- So moving on with your
entrance after the video package.
What happens after that airs?
- I imagine there is a mash
up of our two entrance themes,
which yours is like that
Russian dance music.
- [Eli] Yeah.
- But then it switches into--
- Spar type stuff?
- Yeah, like I'm imagining
those Tibetan singing bowls.
There's a lot of that.
- That's really close to, I
was just imagining sort of like
the Russian dancing song played
on Tibetan singing bowls.
- [Kath] Okay that's our entrance.
- We have a college
class on Tibetan Buddhism
playing the singing bowls for us.
- Yeah, they're part of our entrance.
And then occasionally
when things get rough we
do wack people with the
Tibetan singing bowls
and they make that noise
and it's really good.
- I also high five Jack
Dorsey right on my way
out of the tunnel.
- Yeah he's on the front row.
- He may be involved in
the match later, please.
- Jack Dorsey just running.
Doesn't he fast all the time now,
So he just breaks in half like a twig?
- Yeah actually I used
to do it all the time
and you're his nutritionist.
Tell him what he can eat.
- That's how we know him, he's on our side
so we both hi five Jack Dorsey.
- CEO of Twitter if anybody doesn't know.
- Yes, CEO of Twitter.
And then we make our way to the ring,
I'm imagining a rain of boos
'cause we're the bad guys.
that means we're successful.
- Oh I thought you said a rain of booze,
like people were pouring alcohol on you,
that sounds awesome.
- That too.
- I have a big jar that
says boos on in, and I'm
pretending to gather them into the jar,
and then I smash the jar.
- If someone did that in real
wrestling I would adore it.
- This is just us auditioning
for wrestling right?
- Absolutely.
- I'm not putting this much effort in.
- Eli that's pretty good,
I want you to make a tights
roll for me so you're
gonna roll under your number.
- Okay how many dice?
- [Brian] You're gonna roll two.
- I love that this
bounces like you almost,
wait that's when you gotta do the sell
or something you know.
- Yeah those dice are doing
a springboard Moonsault.
- So tights is under?
- Yes, so you have one success.
You're not really stirring
the crowd either way,
you're getting the
boos, you smash the jar,
a couple people cheer, respond to it
but it's a tough crown so far guys.
- [Kath] They're still apprehensive.
- The GIF will do well on the internet.
- Ultimately I am keeping track
of successes and failures,
we want more successes than failures
throughout this whole match.
- [Carolyn} Just Like Life.
- Just like life.
The lights go dark again.
Cheesemonger, what does
your entrance look like?
- The stadium goes completely
dark, it's pitch black.
Then yellow spotlights come
on, it looks like a big
piece of Swiss Cheese with wholes in it.
Then a veined blue light, somehow,
comes on and I'm in the spotlight.
Smoke billows out and then
I come out and just start
throwing wheels of
cheese into the audience,
or maybe mini Babybels 'cause
I don't want to hit anybody.
- Question though, was there
a spotlight next to you where
your tag team partner was supposed to be?
- Yes.
I look at it sadly and
take a moment of silence
for myself and then I just
fucking raise my hands
to the adoring crowd.
And they love it, they fucking love it.
- Great, so you're walking out,
you're throwing cheese wheels.
I want you to take two
dice and roll tights.
- Let's do this.
My number is four, so I
got one hit and one under.
I got a four and a one.
- So four is your number,
which once again means
something happens.
Okay, and we will deal with that.
- It's like a whole fucking
second tumbler of all
these different things.
- Goes on the stack.
- Yeah, the stack.
I was gonna avoid the magic,
they be like Magic The
Gathering is applicable here.
- Great.
- The number's all in
reverse order so (mumbling).
- Can I slap your hand now please?
- So is there a moment of face-off as
Cheesemonger enters the ring?
Do you guys discuss anything?
- Oh yeah, I think I'm loving the crowd
and the crowds loving
me, we're having a moment
and then I see these two
fucking bad guys and I
just look at them and
I'm full of cheesy rage.
- I'm trying to think what the worst thing
you do to cheese is.
- Not wrap it in wax paper, you put it in
a plastic bag so it gets all humid.
- Get a big plastic bag and pull it over.
- Whoa.
- Sorry.
- Leave it on the
counter and roaches come.
- I'm just pretending she smells very bad.
- I'm fake vomiting
'cause I can't be in the
presence of dairy without
my fibromyalgia acting up.
- She's dry heaving, I'm like ergh.
- Great.
So a ref quickly, right
before the match starts,
first off brings a ladder into the arena.
- [Carolyn] Oh shit okay.
- And then the cage drops.
You guys weren't expecting a cage match,
but this just got real.
- I like this 'cause those are two
very contradictory things to happen.
A ladder usually means there's
something in the ceiling
that you're trying to get,
and then a cage means you can't get there.
Great.
- The cage is the exact
height of the ladder.
Did we also not know
there was a cage match?
'cause it's hard doings.
- It was randomly rolled,
so I think this was very sudden yeah.
- Oh yeah, that's what
happened was a miscommunication
where I thought I was
like, we're gonna secretly
make a cage match, and you
were like yeah a ladder match.
And now it's both.
- The Cheesemonger says
something about being used
as a bait for these rats
and now we're all trapped
in a cage together.
- [Kath] Oh shit.
- And I just point at her
and point at the fence,
I go, I will grate you.
- Exactly.
- I feel like this personally
helps me as an empath
and creative thinker to--
- [Brian] Good heel
because I fucking hate it.
- I think we'll find some
inventive uses for these things.
I think I will grate you definitely,
you can set up the ladder
so you can climb to the roof
of the cage, and then we
can battle on the roof
of the cage and throw her off.
- [Carolyn] Sick.
- Mick Foley style.
- I can't tell when
you're in character and
when you're just like, here's a plan.
- Here's a good question.
What are we determining as winning?
- Not dying.
- Isn't that what your job is?
This is your whole job.
- Yeah, you're the ref.
- Yeah alright.
- How have you watched
five hours of wrestling
and not figure out who won?
- They were different every time.
The rules were different sometimes.
Kath, what would be a
common win condition?
Are we pinning somebody
or are they tapping out?
- Like I said, in a ladder
match usually there's something
like, maybe there's something
suspended from the top of
the cage that we have to get.
Or it can be like you have
to get out of the cage maybe.
Or we could do just regular
pin, fall, submission
we could do that too.
- I like the grab at this
something at the top of the cage.
- Maybe you've got the
lever that lifts the cage,
we have to fight our way out.
- Maybe there's a ladder
on top of the cage too.
Lot's of ladders.
- Maybe there's a wheel of cheese.
- Are there any chutes?
- Chutes and Ladders match.
- Forget the ladder match,
this is a chutes match
mother fucker.
- In wrestling chute means a real fight.
So I like that too of like,
we're gonna have a chute fight.
And people are like, oh wow
you're gonna really fight,
and no, there's slides.
- But also can you imagine
how painful it'd be to go down
one of those plastic
playground slides in all skin?
- Everybody's so oiled up though,
they're all lubed when they go out there.
- I got the cheese sweats,
I'm all lubed up from the cheese sweats.
- A shiny, moist Cheesemonger.
- You love it, you love it.
- Why are you a face?
You're like yeah.
- I just have a nice
glow from my hot yoga,
I'm perspiring but in an
Instagram friendly way.
- I like, on top of the ladder
suspended from the cage is
switch that will open the cage.
- I feel like at this
point we could just employ
game theory to get out of the cage.
We just all work together
to lift the lever.
- The match begins.
Cheesemonger what do you do?
The Cheesemonger's gonna remove
her cape 'cause it's very itchy.
Cheesemonger's just prepping.
- [Eli] That's the use of an action.
- Because you have to take the cheese out
and let it rest and get
it to room temperature
so that's me I'm just warming up.
- The Cheesemonger is
taking her sweet time.
- [Carolyn] She's resting.
- It's a clear opening.
- [Brian] What do you do?
- I'm gonna run at her,
I'm gonna try to get her in a headlock,
do some chain wrestling,
soften her up, get her tired.
- I give you a boost by
doing the Russian dance
where I kick you.
- You launch me toward her.
- It's a special move I
developed, where it's like
you know how Russian dancing
you're one leg at a time?
It's a dropkick where I do
both with my arms crossed.
- Sergey, I want you to roll one die,
you're gonna roll fight
which is over your number,
if you succeed, Kath will
get an extra die on her roll.
- [Eli] Hell yeah, I got a six.
That's as many over as I get.
You get launched.
- [Kath] I go flying across
screen toward The Cheesemonger.
- Summer, I want you to take three dice
and make a fight roll,
which is over your number.
- [Carolyn] Oh shit.
Oh okay well that's good,
her number's a five.
So that's gonna be hard to get over.
- I'm a five so I'm very charismatic but
I'm not good at fighting.
- [Carolyn] A four, a five, a
six, we've got a full house.
- So does one that is your
number does the crazy thing
but does that also push effectively?
- It's a nothing.
- It's a nothing, so I'm
like he launched me but
I was only somewhat effective?
- The thing is, whatever you want to do
basically takes effect.
You're all capable fighters,
the audience isn't that
excited about it, everyone's receptive
and paying attention but
it's still a lukewarm--
- It's just the opener,
we're feeling each other out so okay.
- So, 'cause also something happened.
- Was the something the cage?
- Yes.
- And the ladder.
- It's gonna end up being every type
of match at the same time.
- Over in the corner Jack
Dorsey is continuing to just,
- [Carolyn] He's taking it in.
- Yeah he's taking it in, he
seems particularly excited.
He's looking over his shoulder,
something might go down there.
You have now The
Cheesemonger in a headlock?
- [Kath] Yeah.
- Cheesemonger what do you do?
- Whoa, The Cheesemonger's
gonna remember that she's
full of holes and that stuff from cheese.
- Is this a full physical deformation?
- I'm just going to try and
slip out of the headlock
and then also do the,
it's my specialty move
called The Grilled Cheese
that I'm gonna try and flip
over her and then flip
her over to smoosh her
and be on top of her.
- It's like a sun, what's it called?
Isn't that a thing?
- Yeah, it's kind of a Sunset Flip,
a little bit of a Sunset Flip.
- [Carolyn] Sunset Flip?
- Glorified Sunset Flip,
that's a Grilled Cheese.
- Alright sweet.
- A pretty basic move, not a
great finisher but alright.
- Sunset flip sounds like--
- It's like a grilled
cheese, it's not a full meal.
- A delicious drink.
Yeah.
- That's why we're starting,
I didn't go with the finisher,
right away with a headlock,
I got moves coming up don't worry.
- Cheesemonger, would you say that
this is dispensing justice?
- Yeah, they're the villains.
Everything I do is for justice.
- On your card sheets beneath
your name there is a phrase,
which if you managed to
evoke this in your move
you get to use an extra dice.
I want you to make a fight role.
It's over your number,
you're doing it in front of people,
it's risky and you're dispensing justice
so you get three dice.
- Oh no.
- That's one over.
- I got one over.
- As long as you get one
over you're kind of fine,
they're like safety.
- Yeah, you don't lose anything.
Everyone is still sort of
the same level of engaged.
- You didn't fuck up The Grilled Cheese.
It happened.
- The Grilled Cheese happens,
boom Summer hits the mat.
- Yeah but I don't get
pinned 'cause she didn't get.
- Right.
The audience, it's still just,
man some moves gotta go down
because you're not losing em
but they're not psyched up.
Jack Dorsey sat back down.
- You're on the ground,
you Sunset Flipped her.
- I'm on the ground,
I have an idea though.
- What is it?
- It's a secret.
Her move went over but
I'm not getting pinned,
so I get back up, you're
gonna help me again,
you're standing here, I get up
I do a spinning DDT,
you push my leg off so I can spin--
- What is that?
- I basically grab her head, spin around,
drop her head on the mat,
and then she falls backwards.
And that, my friends, is the corpse pose.
- You'll be better but
you also know more things
to do to people because
you watch wrestling.
We're all just like, we throw them hard.
And you're like, I'm
gonna be like their limbs.
- I'm a high flyer,
that's a little bit of a high flying move,
I do a little flippy, spinny thing --
- Does the style play in?
- And I spike him.
- Yeah the style plays in.
It's either the style or the attributes.
- So what did you want me to do with help?
- I'm kinda jumping, I hit
the turnbuckle with my feet
and sort of walk sideways and
you just push my foot over
so that I can keep spinning,
and I then I spike her
on the top of her head.
Her crown is crushed.
- Sergey, do you want to
make another help role?
So it's gonna be fight,
you're gonna role one dice--
- That's another part of
a Russian dance isn't it?
Where they twirl?
They're like ha.
- So you spring up and do this.
And as you do this you push my foot.
- Yes.
- What she said.
- So you're gonna role one dice,
you're gonna roll over your number
to give Kath an extra dice.
- Yes, my dancing is unparalleled.
- So Summer, for that full
move against The Cheesemonger,
I believe you are going
to now get four dice.
- It's not looking good
for The Cheesemonger.
- This really is anime
because every time I start
imagining one of these moves,
it naturally morphs into anime in my head.
- And you get the streaky background.
- I have accordions behind
me in my background.
- I have Om symbols.
- [Eli] For everyone that keeps asking
for a Jojo episode, this is close.
- [Carolyn] This is a Jojo episode.
- [Kath] Okay I got two
sixes, a three and a one.
- Alright, that is a success,
we get one in the crowd.
- I pop em, they get excited.
- They going fucking nuts at this.
They love it but they're booing,
which is the reaction you wanted.
- [Kath] Exactly
- Cheesemonger, you're on
the ground now I believe.
What position do you leave her in?
- She fell on her head,
she was straight up and down on her head
and then she just slowly kinda went.
- [Eli] Like a plank.
- yeah like a plank.
- You hear the announcer just like,
oh my god this might be it.
Cheesemonger, what's up?
- It's time to pull out the big stuff.
- [Eli] The big cheese?
[Kath] The big cheese?
It's time?
- [Eli] How do you not do big cheese man?
- It's time to pull out the big--
- Cheese.
- Cheese.
- Sergey's like, I do not understand,
why would you not say.
Got a little use of poutine,
I was like, Putin, poutine
we'll do a joke.
I love puns as one of my Russian thing.
- Not today.
- Puns and minions.
I love minion.
- I love little minion, the movie film,
yellow little boy.
Yellow little boy, big glass, love him.
Sorry, this is way off the,
this is like our podcast now.
What were we talking about?
- Is it not normally like this?
I'm sorry.
- It's got the Barbadoro spin on it.
- Exactly, which means
you don't stay on track
and it becomes about other things.
- And the minions mostly.
- I'm on the ground,
I look up, lock eyes with the camera,
shake my head--
- [Kath] Do a Jim from the office.
- Yeah.
As I roll over, you see
underneath me, somehow
there's now a huge cheeseboard.
My style is gimmick with cheese weapons,
so I've got this massive cheeseboard,
it's got some grapes on
it, maybe a little fig jam
and then a nice big chunk of Blue cheese.
- [Brian] The audience is like,
where did she get this from?
- Very pungent.
- And it's all hot under the arena lights.
- So I know while these two
fucking shmos are looking at
each other laughing
their villainous laughs,
I look towards the camera,
and they're like look at the cheese,
and the audience is like fucking yeah,
or something, you're the
audience so you tell me.
And then I take the blue cheese
then I just put it in their faces.
- That's gonna be a tights roll for sure.
- [Eli] Getting cheese in
your body, at this point,
who knows what that would do.
- [Kath] I have a very obvious
weakness in this match.
- [Brian] So, in front of
an audience, it's risky,
I'm gonna say two dice.
Oh and your gimmick so take
and extra one, so three total.
- Thank god.
I'm gonna role the blue and the green ones
'cause that seems like
more cheese colored.
- [Brian] Do they?
- [Kath] Really, alright.
- Well veins, you got
the coating on the nice,
sort of an Edam that's a red cheese.
Ah, only one.
- Only one--
- No wait, tights is under?
- Yes.
- Oh so I got two, so four.
- You're right,
so what is your guys reaction
to just cheese in your face?
- [Eli] I hate it.
- I'm not a fan.
- Tell my character your mad.
- At this point--
- But also the audience
is going ape shit for it.
- I have to tag you in,
'cause I need a minute,
I need to consult my reiki healer.
- Taking a mental health.
- Over at the corner by the ropes.
- That's our manager,
our manager's my reiki healer.
- Is it a Tibetan bowl
that's also a like a spit?
That's boxing but, you know.
- I need to go consult my
spiritual guide because I
need to get re-aligned
because this is really bad.
So I tag you in, and it's you now.
- I jump the fucking ropes,
and then you got cheese on
her, I'm real mad about that,
I'm furious.
Man, wrestlers do that in real time,
oh they plan some of it.
I'm gonna go after yaI'm
trying to figure out
what my cool move is gonna be though.
I'm got to have a move
called The Iron Curtain,
that's unbelievably obvious.
- Oh yeah. Is that just
like a clothesline thing?
- Do you want suggestions
for what that move could be?
- I kind of have a little
thing, which is just,
I'm like pumping up
the crowd who hates me,
and it is not a
clothesline, but I have one
arm that's silver.
- You have the robot arm.
- And there's like a drapery from it.
- Are you just slowly becoming Colossus?
- Yes.
Not legally, but yes.
So there's a little iron drapery.
No okay, costume imagined,
I'm going through a lot right now.
I have a silver arm and it
has little beads hanging
off of it so it does
sorta look like a curtain.
I'm sorry to have drawn so much
attention to my armpit here.
So I just like Iron Curtain,
and then I just fucking bounce, lean,
but like I salute, fall back on the ropes,
and then launch myself
and I'm running at her
with the clothesline.
- Beautiful, I'm gonna
have you roll three dice
and that's going to be--
- I thought it was gonna be eight dice,
but you know it's not the rules.
Get these cheese dice outta here.
Three red dice.
- Like the beloved home country.
- [Brian] This is gonna
be a fight roll so I need
you to roll over your number.
- [Eli] Two over my number.
- Once again, crowd loving it,
how do you lay Cheesemonger out?
- I do, I clothesline you to the ground
and then I do a modified
drop kick that is the
dancing thing again.
Just like,
I'm like a heel drop on your fucking.
- [Carolyn] You do like a
leg drop right on her chest?
- Yeah but it's a unique
leg drop because I catch
myself as I do it and
then pop straight back up.
- Beautiful, so the ladder
is mostly untouched thus far.
- Because I forgot about the ladder.
- I forgot too.
- Who cares about the ladder?
- I should actually while she's down,
I'll start moving to the ladder.
- Cheesemonger, you're
down you've been hit
and Sergey is making his
way towards the ladder
what do you do?
- I'm gonna do a big risky move.
I'm gonna take--
- You just hit all the
keywords for extra dice.
- What?
Strategy.
Wink.
I take the cheeseboard that I have,
I see him heading for the ladder
so I'm gonna try and
Frisbee it to the ladder
and cause the ladder
to fall over onto him.
- Crafty, I must admit.
- Crafty, like Kraft Singles.
- That's a pretty good move.
- You're in the corner and
it's that thing of like,
you know when the wrestler's trying
to get back into the ring?
- Yeah.
- But it's a reiki
healer holding you back,
no, no, no.
- They're holding me back
just with their proximity.
No, stop.
- Just like a mime where you're just like.
- So here's what I'm going to say,
you're doing something risky,
you're in front of an audience
and you're risking it all
because oh man, if this
fails, I think Sergey
is gonna get to the top of the ladder.
- Yeah.
- I can climb.
- I want you to take three
dice, and I want you to roll,
I think this is a tights roll.
- Okay.
- [Brian] 'cause it's pretty flashy.
- Everything I do is flashy
baby, I'm The Cheesemonger,
or something.
- That's an incredible roll.
- Does three in a row count?
Does I get something?
- You got all threes?
- As the same.
- You got all threes-
- Oh wait, tight is under.
Oh no.
- Oh I did, I got all three under.
- So, how does basically
this play out perfectly?
You get two audience high points.
Everyone stands up,
Jack Dorsey's losing his fucking mind,
popcorn everywhere.
- So this happens, the
cheeseboard flies into the ladder
which collapses and goes over Sergeys head
catching him, pinning him cartoon style,
like Looney Tunes.
- Like the wicked witch in
Dorothy and The Wizard of Oz.
Just your little feet sticking out.
- This is now fully an anime.
- Furry boots, little furry
Russian boots like your hat
sticking out.
- Exactly these.
So I'm be-sleeved inside
this ladder, in the rung.
- He's pinned and then
I just walk up to him
and just punch him in the face.
- That's not even a wrestle,
you're just punching me.
- No punching in wrestling?
- Technically you're not
supposed to close hand,
fist punch people but--
- I saw Rhonda Rousey in
Wrestlemania punch someone.
- Yeah, it happens a lot.
It's one of those things
that's kind of allowed.
- Sergey, you've been humiliated,
your ladder conquest bested,
what do you do?
- I just got punched in the face,
I fell over I assume.
- [Brian] Yes.
- Can I start a chant of
USA while this happens.
- You can make a tights roll, yeah.
- Okay, I'm sorry to seize on your turn.
- I would say it's two dice
it's a tights roll.
Red, white and blue baby.
Okay only one.
- There is a small smattering of...
But it's mostly getting
swallowed up by the roar of
the crowd from the ladder collapsing,
all that sort of stuff.
It's not really just happening.
- I'm caught up like this right,
you can't see the bottom of me.
But I fish my hand into my
fucking tights and I have
a phone in there.
And I pull out my phone
and I open up one of
my fake Twitter accounts.
- [Brian] What's he doing?
- I'm like, oh no, Robert Mueller arrest
Bernie Sanders at Wrestlemania,
everyone come quick, help me.
And I Tweet it out, I have
one million followers,
45 of them are real people.
I Tweet that out, come over
and come to Wrestlemania,
come straight to ring,
let no one stop you.
I try to cause a riot basically.
- Go ahead and make a tights roll.
- I'm just like middle.
- [Brian] Go ahead and roll three.
- [Carolyn] I think we're
being so particular about
which dice we roll today.
- [Eli] Is that tights or fight?
- [Brian] Tights is under.
- That went really...
One under.
- One under.
It's like you see a couple
people in the crowd just like
they can't believe the news.
They're checking Twitter themselves.
- This is an important question.
Is my reiki healer a follower of his,
'cause that I think would help.
- [Brian] Definitely.
- [Eli] I was also wondering
if the ref follows me.
- The ref is also on his
phone. He can't believe it.
The ref is distracted.
- If my reiki healer follows you,
that means that now
I'm not being held back
the energy force field is released
and I am once again
allowed to come to your aid
because of Robert Mueller
arresting Bernie Sanders.
- So you're free, I'm still laddered.
- I'm trying, I'm lifting
the ladder off of you.
Or I'm trying I guess.
- The ladder can be
lifted off, pulled aside,
but you're still stuck in
this cage with one another.
Chesemonger, what's the move?
- Cheesemonger's gonna grab the ladder,
comically run sort of silly,
Cheesemonger's got a silly run.
- It's a comedy character.
- Runs over to the far corner of the ring
and sets up the ladder, I'm
just gonna try and scramble up,
and make a mad dash.
And maybe monkey bar across
the top of the ladder
and pull the thing.
- Let's go one step at a time.
- I'm just trying to
make this all logically.
- Your action can't be win.
- You set up the ladder,
you're climbing up,
guys what's your move?
- Sorry I just have an
action in mind here.
- Yeah go for it.
- I absolutely want to Irish Whip the ref
into the ladder while she's on it.
- Good idea.
- What's Irish Whip?
- It's where you--
- sounds offensive.
- You like grab their
arm and basically throw
them into the ropes or into
the ladder or whatever.
- You can get em going real hard.
- Have you ever played Red Rover?
- Yeah.
- It's like a Red Rover.
- Actually it's called The
Red Rover, that's my move.
- I Red Rover the ref at the ladder.
- No, no, no, no.
So he whips.
- Attacking the ref, that's pretty risky.
- You know what, I agree.
You're also risking it all,
I'll give you four dice.
This is however, a tights roll.
- Why is it a tights roll?
I'm hurling a man.
- It's very important
to know in wrestling,
refs are made of glass.
And if anything happens to
them, like if this works,
the ref is immediately knocked unconscious
and is incapacitated for a while.
They are a delicate people.
- And murderers okay.
So this is tights, which
is under by memory?
- [Brian] Yes.
- I got two on my number and one under it.
- Great, so the ref slams
into the ladder just out.
Cheesemonger, the ladder
shakes and you fall off
hitting the mat.
And that's when the
cage lifts, on it's own.
The lights in the studio
are in this stadium.
- Stadium.
- Go up.
- Lights in the stadium go up.
So everyone's in confusion.
Significantly less fanfare,
stepping down out of the
crowd towards the ring
is Mr. Tony Wilson, Tony
I love money Wilson.
He's in a suit, he's got his beard,
he's got his luscious hair slicked back.
Guys, guys, guys, comes under the ropes,
we gave this a shot, but
this isn't making me enough
money, I think the show is over.
- [Carolyn] What, no.
- Who needs money?
Money is the root of all evil.
- I agree, that's why we're friends.
I don't subscribe to this
capitalist notion that
more money equals more valuable,
we are doing art right now,
we are expressing ourselves.
And I think we should express
ourselves by joining forces
and attacking Tony Rolston.
- That's what we're gonna do.
- Security.
- I'm trying to bring the
Cheesemonger over, where I'm like,
money is responsible for unable to import
beautiful cheese from other country.
- This is making a lot of
sense to The Cheesemonger.
- We only can have pasteurized
cheese, it makes no sense.
- That's true, I don't
like cheese but raw food
is better and this
pasteurization, it's not good.
- Cheesemonger agrees, European cheese
unpasteurized, is much better.
A lot of the best cheeses we
can't even get in this country.
Cheesemonger is on board with these guys.
- What are we gonna do
to big money Wilson?
Too much money.
- Are we about to beat
the shit out of our boss?
- I love money, but it's
also alternatively big money
or money money money Wilson.
- [Carolyn} Show Me The Money Wilson.
- As somebody who also has a beard,
I walk over, stroke my beard
looking at me like, ergh.
And I grab his beard and
try to yank him to the,
that's really violent but yes,
I try to yank him downwards by the beard.
- No.
- Yeah.
- While he's doing that I want to team up
with Summer Shavasna and
launch her into Tony's back.
- I won't yank him down,
it'll just be the weirdest hold ever
where I'm just grabbing
his beard and he's like,
and they're setting up their attack.
- Money.
- She launches me, and I'm a high flyer
so I do like a sweet 450.
- A lot of training in Mexico probably,
luchador background?
- Yes, I studied abroad
there in college, naturally.
So I do a sweet 450 onto him.
- How many rotations is that?
- That's one and a half I think.
It's pretty cool, it's a good one.
I do that and that is called
the, shit what is that called?
- Namaste away.
- It's called The Seventh
Chakra, that's what it's called.
- I just want to throw out,
at some point you know how
there's like a yoga pose The Happy Baby?
I think you should have a
move called the crying baby.
- I was thinking I definitely wanted
to incorporate some
really contortionist holds
where you tie them up in knots.
The crying baby.
- Yoga based submission holds.
- Exactly.
- Which is like a nerve
pinch or something.
- You fuck up their chakra
and it puts their back out.
- Downward Dog forever.
- Would like everyone
to take their three dice
and one by one roll tights, you know what?
Or fights, your choice based
on what your final move against
Mr. Tony money money money,
I love money so much Wilson
and we'll count up your total successes.
- I'm rolling fights to be above three.
- [Brian] And what's
your final final move?
- I got all three above, final move,
oh no come back to me.
This is when Jack Dorsey comes in dude,
I Tweet at Jack and I go you
are reported and blocked.
- Is that your finishing Move?
Blocked and reported?
- Yeah blocked and reported,
there's a soft block and then there's
the full block and reported.
Jack Dorsey comes in, I take him,
I first put you in a
headlock and Jack Dorsey
rubs his goatee on your
face, it's real gross.
- Jack if you're watching this, please ban
helpful tony right now.
- I carry him over to the turnbuckle and I
sort of hook him up so his
head outside of the ring,
and I Tweet out to the
whole audience, and I go
everyone come down give him a slap.
And the entire audience
lines up single file,
it takes like 30 minutes,
they all slap him in the face.
And then I have a big stamp that I stamp
on his forehead and it says blocked.
- Elaborate stuff folks.
- Kath and Cheesemonger,
final moves to save the
Dorkly Wrestling Domination.
- I'm gonna roll tights
and should I tell you
what I'm doing after I roll or now?
- [Brian] Tell me after,
we'll reflect it based on the rolls.
- Rolling tights, under five c'mon baby.
Six, three four.
- So two.
- Pretty solid.
- My final move is, I haven't
brought out any weapons yet
and I've been secreting my home-made,
raw tahini salad dressing in
the corner the whole time.
What I do is,
I get him in The Crying Baby, as we said
after he's been slapped I pull him out,
I walk him up, it's like
a toe-hold, ankle-lock
I get his leg, I get his arm,
I'm sort of contorting him into a u shape.
And then I pour the home-made tahini salad
dressing over his head.
The whole time I'm doing
that I'm just telling
him about all of the
nutritional facts about it.
Vitamins and minerals.
- Cheesemonger, our big hero.
- Alright, let's roll it up and
I'll tell you my move after.
Let's fucking finish her.
- [Kath] Two, four two.
- So I got one hit and then two under.
- Your move succeeds
however much you would like,
how is it too much?
To the point that the
crowd is going oh no.
- My finishing move is
called Edam and Weep.
And I just have some
Edam cheese and I just
cram it in Tony's mouth.
And he's maybe choking,
and the audience is like
oh we don't want to see anyone die, maybe?
- He throws up on the mat.
- Yeah, but around the cheese 'cause
it's kind of unhinged his
jaw and it's too much.
- The combo of Edam cheese
and raw tahini salad dressing
is too much for him, it's no good.
- So he pukes on the mat and nobody's
really a fan of that.
- He's caught in the
middle like, fine we'll
keep it going now that
I've been assaulted.
Oh god.
Stumbles out into the aisle.
- Oh we win guys, the show will go on.
- That's how it works.
That's how capitalism works.
- Brute force.
- You keep on money losing ventures.
Guys, I think we need
to give away this belt.
Can I get the mic back?
- The wrestling mic.
- I'm so excited to present this belt
to wrestling as a whole.
It's a fun little thing that
I think makes people happy.
Everyone can go grab this fun, cool belt.
- We all win it?
- I think yeah, everyone wins
it, presented for wrestling.
(cheering)
- This is beautiful.
- Producer Cassie made
that and it's incredible.
You all have to share that.
You can all wear it one
day and then bring it to
each others houses for the rest.
- Summer Shavasna's
used to communal living
and sharing so that's fine with me.
- I feel like we all
became good friends and
the narrative twist, they've
convinced me an id fact
and now I'm a heel with them.
- All of this has happened,
it feels very triumphant,
but keep in mind the crowd hates this.
- They've been lukewarm most of the time.
- They watched someone throw up.
- They were having a little
bit of fun in the middle
and then a man vomited and they were like,
I don't think this is for me.
- They got wrapped up
in it and did that thing
where they all slapped
him and now they're like
I just hurt a man.
Everyone leaving is like,
man that was pretty gross.
- Kids have nightmares.
- Somebody's walking out,
just like I thought I was gonna get,
I don't get it.
- Kids are crying.
Kids with Cheesemonger merch 'cause you're
the good guy, are really
upset 'cause you turned.
They feel really betrayed.
- And Tony's just left
in the ring in a pile
of his own sick.
- Sobbing.
- I think that's the ultimate
thing of this match ending
in victory but in the heel
side is that this match
will live on in infamy,
as one of those matches
that becomes a lot of gifts
and is on Daily Motion.
- It's on Russian YouTube for sure.
- The parent company is sort of like,
we discontinued that DVD
we don't make it anymore.
So weird.
It's one of those hush tone matches.
- The next week everyone just
pretends it didn't happen.
Like in the storyline, none of it.
- None of your characters
are ever heard from again.
- New character emerge, they're just like
who's this very tall masked man with a
slight Russian accent, that's
not his character anymore.
- Guys this was our pro
wrestling episode of Table Pop
thank you so much for hanging out.
Thank you Kath Barbadaro
for lending us your
wrestling expertise, I
know we just took that
and just threw it in the garbage.
- This was really fun,
thank you for having me.
- Of course, any time.
If there's anything you would like to see
turned into a tabletop role playing game,
hey, let us know in the comments
we'd love to try and butcher it
as bad as we just did this.
Well we'll see you next time.
- Bye.
- How do you say goodbye in Russian?
- I do not know.
- Dasvidaniya.
- We're on a list now.
