

## Running Wild

### In A Noisy World

### Kyle Jay Beckwermert

Copyright © 2017 KYLE JAY BECKWERMERT

All rights reserved.

### CONTENTS

DEDICATION 1

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS 3

THE AUTHOR 5

INTRODUCTION 7

BLAME 9

CERTAINTY 23

VALIDATION 41

SOLITUDE 67

FAIRNESS 85

SOAP OPERAS 97

OVERTHINKING 109

RUNNING WILD 131

DAILY REMINDERS 147

### DEDICATION

I find it fascinating that hardly anyone ever wonders what we're actually doing here on this planet. Instead, most just accept the structured routine of life. The work, eat, entertain and sleep cycles of our everyday existence. This is for all those who feel there is more to this, than that.

### ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I'd like to acknowledge my family and my friends:

You have been my greatest teachers.

May we travel together through many more lifetimes where we can laugh freely, dare greatly, and run wild.

### THE AUTHOR

Follow me on Instagram!

@theforeveryoungs

### INTRODUCTION

After marvelling at Michelangelo's _David_ , a young man approached the famous sculptor and asked him, "How on earth did you create such a beautiful piece of art?"

"It was simple," Michelangelo replied. "I just chipped away everything that didn't look like David."

This book is about chipping away from yourself the things that aren't you—all those restraining beliefs that keep you immobilized in various areas of your life. The noise.

What I'm about to share with you is nothing new or novel. In fact, you already know everything there is to know about running wild—that is, about living life as your authentic self. I'm simply serving to remind you of it. It doesn't take a trip across the world to some exotic location or a ten-day self-development seminar to understand these concepts. It merely takes a mental effort, a willingness to let go, and, above all, the courage to change.

I imagine most of you are familiar with the 1939 fantasy film _The Wizard of Oz_. The characters all spend a great deal of time and effort seeking out a magical wizard to grant them what they desire, when all they really need is a mirror.

The same applies to you. Quit looking for the answers in other people. Hold up your mirror. With that, let's take a closer look at all the noise that keeps you from finding and honouring your higher self.
1

### BLAME

"The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny."

\- Albert Ellis

Blame. My god is it noisy. It's one of the most self-destructive behaviours out there. Our tendency to avoid responsibility for the outcomes in our lives is a global crisis. We blame others for our mishaps and take credit for our achievements. This creates a world full of people who act like children—who aren't discovering their higher selves.

"If it weren't for this, I would be . . ." We're all familiar with this phrase. We blame our school marks, career choices, cavities, the government, the tailor down the street, and, of course, our MOTHERS for the problems in our lives.

If it weren't for these people or situations, your world would be filled with happiness and glory. You would undoubtedly have been a millionaire by the time you were thirty. But no, other people have managed to get in the way of your success, your desires. It's kind of an absurd notion, isn't it? To think that someone has the power to control your life? Yet, it's a big part of most people's thought processes.

When we obsess about feeling justified in our actions and beliefs, the second they're threatened, we feel less important. And no one wants to feel unimportant, right? So what do we do to avoid feeling insufficient? We sort of become like, well, animals—out of control.

Let's say you're a huge fan of soccer. It's the World Cup, and your team, Brazil, has just lost to Spain in the final seconds of the match. You're devastated, along with every other fan of Brazil. You feel threatened. You feel your importance as a human is shaken. And so, you react.

You and the other fans start riots, tip over cars, and harm each other physically and emotionally. Then you blame: "The referees didn't make the right call," or "The sun wasn't shining in the right direction." It's amazing what people will come up with to avoid looking like a "loser."

How silly is this? We become viscerally upset because a team failed to put a soccer ball into meshed fabric fewer times than their opponents. And then we use blame as a tool to feel better about ourselves and regain control of our identities.

Then there's religion, one of the most influential structures on the planet. It often uses blame to control people. If you've been to a religious institution, you may have heard some variation of the following:

"If you don't share our values, you're a sinner (blame), and a sinner will never deserve God's love."

This idea has been circulating in the Christian Church for thousands of years. It essentially says, "Because you believe in something other than what we believe, you're not worthy of happiness." What kind of prankster came up with this?

So, how can you get past blame if it's being used by everyone and everything?

Mind your own business and take responsibility for your actions!

When something doesn't work out the way we intended and our egos are hurt, it's far easier to use others as a target than to admit we were wrong. Ultimately, blaming others is a defence mechanism that allows us to feel validated, important, and good enough.

But the truth is that no one else is responsible for our lives. We make our own choices. If we wish to experience true power in our world, then we need to chip away blame.

# Everyday Blame

I think we can all agree that to some degree, we blame other people for various situations in our lives. Consider the following chart, which provides examples of external blame.

If any of the blame statements resonate with you, you still have some work to do in taking back control. If not, you may just be ahead of the game! Now let's look at internal blame.

Individuals who have worked on finding their higher selves don't attribute their failures to anything external. Rather, they accept total responsibility for their lives and circumstances.

Being accountable means taking back your power. When you are internally directed, you shape your own world.

# The Lost Wallet

Visualize the following scenario:

You're in your apartment and you're holding your genuine leather wallet. Suddenly, the lights flicker and then—boom!—they all go out. Startled, you drop the wallet.

You quickly get on your hands and knees and search for this valuable item, but to no avail. It's far too dark. Just then, you look out the window and notice all the street lights outside are still on. Aha!

You leave your apartment, take the elevator down to the lobby, and go outside in pursuit of your precious good. As you're crawling down the sidewalk, a friend approaches you and asks if she can help you in the search. You kindly accept her invitation, and she gets down on her hands and knees as well.

After a few minutes of looking, your friend lifts her head and politely asks, "Where do you think you dropped your wallet?"

You immediately reply, "Inside my apartment."

She looks at you in bewilderment. "You mean to tell me that you dropped your wallet inside your apartment and you're out here looking for it?"

"Well," you reply, "it's dark in my apartment. So it doesn't make any sense to be looking for my wallet there when it's bright out here, does it?"

You're probably snickering at this bizarre logic, but isn't this exactly what we do when we have a problem on the inside? Don't we look for the solution on the outside? Do we not turn to doctors, medicine, psychologists, self-help books (the irony is not lost on me), coaches, mentors, celebrities, heroes, or gods to save, direct, or fix us?

Most of us are looking for that person or presence to arrive on a golden chariot and relieve us of our suffering. But this is foolishness. To change our lives for the better, we must look within. Again, when we blame others, we place them in the driver's seat, in control of our happiness. Taking full responsibility for your world is difficult at times, to say the least, but it's worth it. Remember, you are the common denominator in everything that happens in your life.

# The Cookie Thief

The next time you're about to assign blame, remember this short poem, written by Valerie Fox.

_" The Cookie Thief"_

A woman was waiting at an airport one night, with several long hours before her flight. She hunted for a book in the airport shops, bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop. She was engrossed in her book but happened to see, that the man sitting beside her, as bold as could be . . . grabbed a cookie or two from the bag in between, which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene. So, she munched the cookies and watched the clock, as the gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock. She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by, thinking, "If I wasn't so nice, I would blacken his eye." With each cookie she took, he took one too, when only one was left, she wondered what he would do. With a smile on his face, and a nervous laugh, he took the last cookie and broke it in half.

He offered her half, as he ate the other, she snatched it from him and thought . . . oooh, brother. This guy has some nerve and he's also rude, why he didn't even show any gratitude! She had never known when she had been so galled, and sighed with relief when her flight was called. She gathered her belongings and headed to the gate, refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate. She boarded the plane, and sank in her seat, then she sought her book, which was almost complete. As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise, there was her bag of cookies, in front of her eyes. If mine are here, she moaned in despair, the others were his, and he tried to share. Too late to apologize, she realized with grief, that she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief.

The lesson of this poem is powerful. How often do we find ourselves in situation similar to this one? How often do we lose something around the house and immediately look to fault someone else for misplacing it? We err on the side of "not me" to justify our everyday actions: "It was the government, politics, the seasons, my kids, my spouse, the teacher, the economy, the time of day, etc., etc., etc."

We know playing the victim doesn't do us any good. So why do we do it?

  * We blame because it allows us to escape responsibility.

  * We blame because it allows us to escape the feeling of failure.

  * But above all, we blame because it allows us to feel as though we're "good enough." Blame is an excellent defense mechanism that protects our sense of self-importance.

# Snake Bites

Let's close this chapter with some imagery that will push you to look within.

No matter the situation—someone says something hurtful to you, someone gets angry with you, someone spews hate at you, someone walks out on you and your kids—holding on to resentment and anger will only weaken you. It doesn't matter how justified you may feel in your negative emotional response to others. Negative is negative, and no amount of feeling "I deserve to be upset because this person did XYZ" will ever heal you.

Consider the analogy of a snake bite. People don't die from the actual bite. Rather, they die because the snake's venom flows through their veins and stops their heart. In the same way, it's not what someone says or does that destroys your happiness—it's the grudge you hold, the rumination and the overthinking, that drives you to insanity.

We can blame others for making us feel a certain way, but in the end, we must let go and accept total responsibility for our emotions—for how we feel.

When we allow ourselves to feel hurt by someone else, what we're really saying is this: "Your opinion of me is more important than my opinion of myself. And I blame you for making me feel this way." Never let another's opinion trump your own. Take back your power through accountability and lose the noise surrounding blame.
2

### CERTAINTY

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."

\- Robert Frost

As we get older, many of us become drawn to the noise of predictability. That is, we move away from the things that involve uncertainty. We take comfort in what we know. After all, our families, jobs, mortgage payments, and vehicles are all things that we need to look after. And the thought of venturing away from the known, or jeopardizing it in any way, is downright scary. I get it! Travelling a path that hasn't been set before you takes courage.

However, I can assure you this: staying within your comfort zone is noise.

Comfort zones hinder our ability to see what we're truly made of. We need to explore the unknown to find our authentic selves, and that journey of self-discovery makes us stronger and more beautiful.

How refreshing and wonderful is it to meet someone who isn't doing what everyone else is doing?

Society conditions us to want safety and certainty: Walk along well-lit streets; go to college and get a secure job; get married and generate a dual income to cover your expenses. You'd better stay within the lines, or else you're in some sort of danger. Security isn't a negative thing in itself, but we've taken it too far. We've even extended the desire for it into the mental and the spiritual.

I'm certainly not telling you to put yourself in harm's way. Rather, I'm encouraging you to break free from your everyday routine, embrace uncertainty, and be open to new experiences that come your way. There is so much for us to experience during our brief time here, and it's on the other side of routine.

The unknown stirs uneasiness and anxiety, and we tend to immediately associate these feelings with complete disaster. Faced with a situation where we're not sure of the outcome or can't foresee every step along the way, we retreat, give up, or become stressed out. We cut our journey short, and thus we prevent ourselves from achieving what we want.

# The Unknown

Now, before you say, "Kyle, I live for the unknown! I can surely skip this chapter!" or "I travel the world exploring unknown countries all the time," consider the following list. Fear of the unknown can present itself in many different ways.

  * **You hold back from trying activities you've never done before or don't think you can do well.** This can include anything you're somewhat hesitant to try due to lack of familiarity or expertise (e.g., meditating, golfing, public speaking, hiking, singing, etc.).

  * **You close yourself off from other people's religions, values, or ideas.** You feel that everyone who doesn't share your version of the truth is misguided or misinformed.

  * **You don't try different types of food and instead opt to eat the same meal in different forms.** God forbid you order something other than your "go to" on the menu. "What if it's bad! It's the end of the world!" No fun.

  * **You stay tied to a dysfunctional relationship.** You remain in a partnership for the sake of comfort, despite knowing full well that the relationship has run its course and you and your partner are on separate paths.

  * **You go to the same bar/pub with the same people.** It's as if your weekend is on a repeat.

  * **You don't explore different sexual avenues with your partner**. Complacent in your love life, you no longer infuse your romantic encounters with imagination and spontaneity.

These are just some of the ways that fear of the unknown can manifest itself in your life. Why do we behave in these ways? The answer it quite simple: the behaviour benefits us in some way.

We do things that reward or reinforce our feelings of comfort and avoid things that do the opposite. We're hardwired to perceive comfort and certainty as good—it's human nature. Back in the Stone Age, sticking to what we knew kept us alive. But today, there isn't a sabre-toothed tiger hiding outside our garage doors. We generally know where our next meal is coming from. We're safer than we've ever been. And our desire to stay within these lines prevents us from trying new things. We stick to what we know, and when we stick to what we know, we don't put ourselves in situations of vulnerability and growth.

How exciting it is when we cross paths with someone who takes risks, who shows vulnerability. What a wonderful quality to have in a society where everyone is encouraged to be the same. Be unique. Dare to explore new horizons. Others will love you for it.

# Uncertainty Is Certain

Life itself is wildly unpredictable. Haven't we all experienced a sudden interruption in our lives? One that changes the very course of our lives? One that puts our lives into perspective?

The fact is, unexpected events will occur in your life, just as they occur in the world.

  * One minute the Twin Towers are standing and the next, they're not, and thousands of people have lost loved ones.

  * One minute you're enjoying a concert with friends and the next, a mass shooting takes place and dozens of people perish.

  * One day you're making good money and holding down a steady job, and the next, you're struggling to make ends meet.

  * One minute you're laughing and playing a board game with your mother, and the next, she's diagnosed with terminal cancer.

  * At one time, you're head over heels in love with your spouse, and the next thing you know, you're filing for divorce and can't stand them anymore.

Of course, the unexpected doesn't always come in the form of hardship. It can also be beautiful!

  * You unexpectedly get promoted or offered a new position.

  * Your significant other beats cancer and is now in remission despite the statistics indicating the opposite was more likely.

  * You win the lottery on some idle Tuesday.

  * You meet the love of your life at a little league baseball game on a hot summer night.

  * You turn left instead of right in the grocery store and bump into someone who becomes a lifelong friend.

When we look back on our personal histories, we'll notice a plethora of shifts. Some of the most memorable and enjoyable moments in our lives may be the ones that we didn't plan for or anticipate.

It's important to understand that life doesn't move in a straight line—it goes backwards, sideways, right-side up, and upside down, and that's wonderful. Embrace the excitement and joy of not knowing what's coming next.

# What If, What If, What If

We all worry about things that _might_ happen. If you say otherwise, I'd argue that you're lying to yourself. We tend to obsess about all the things that could go wrong, instead of thinking about all the things that could go right.

This obsession with "what if?" stirs anxiety, a feeling that is quite the opposite from the warm fuzziness that predictability brings.

We all want concrete truths. We all want some sort of guarantee that everything is going to work out just the way we planned. We all strive for certainty on some level.

  * Will I get great marks in school and get along with my peers?

  * Will I land my dream job? The one that will easily cover my bills and expenses for as long as I live?

  * Will my kids grow up to become healthy, financially independent adults who contribute to society?

We all want insurance.

But again, there's no such thing as a "sure thing" in life, despite any careful planning. There will always be an element of surprise. If you're thinking that this is kind of depressing, know this: once you truly begin to internalize that you can't control every aspect of your life, you can rest easy. You can let go and flow with what is and what will come to be.

I'm not saying let go of your goals—because goals require your participation. Rather, I'm saying that if something doesn't go as planned, it's likely that life has other plans for you and is redirecting you towards something better. If you've tried to make something work to the best of your ability and it just isn't happening for you, it's not meant to be. I can assure you there's something else in store in your future. Trust the process that life has laid out for you.

Is that not a freeing and comforting thought? Giving up all the things that you can't change is a huge step in eliminating worry and stress from your life. Think about all the times you've gotten worked up about things outside your realm of control.

  * The snow hasn't stopped for three weeks, and it's too cold to be outside.

  * Someone rear-ends you, despite your careful driving.

  * You lose a loved one to illness.

None of these events are in our control. They're not our monkeys, not our circus. Let go of your attachment to the things that you cannot govern. You can't control the weather, your genetics, or other people. And you most definitely can't play god and decide when someone will die.

As Rupi Kaur so eloquently said, "Let it go, let it leave, let it happen. Nothing in this world was promised or belonged to you anyway."

# Life on Paper

As you grow older, you may become more inclined to believe that "not knowing" is bad and "knowing" is good. So many of us feel the pressure to avoid all situations that are unfamiliar.

Begin to shift your view and see that "not knowing" serves as an opportunity for growth, rejuvenation, or self-discovery. There are numerous moments every day where you can either choose to turn left and encounter that feeling of uneasiness (the one that leads to growth) or choose to turn right and go with what's comfortable. It's but a choice.

Why not choose the path that requires more courage?

If you feel the urge to talk to a stranger or a crush, go do it, even if you have reservations. A simple "Hello, how are you?" could be the start of a new and wonderful relationship. Take the plunge and make yourself known, despite not knowing what will happen. Or take that new job overseas that you don't feel comfortable accepting because it involves change. This could be the start of a fulfilling career.

Not knowing what's coming next is stimulating, mysterious, and exciting! And aren't these feelings worth following? If you had a magic journal that outlined the story of your entire life, would you find it dull?

Would it look something like this?

  * Age 22: You earn your degree from a reputable university and pay your bills and taxes.

  * Age 25: You get your first professional job and continue to pay your bills and taxes.

  * Age 30: You buy a house and continue to pay your bills and taxes (more, now).

  * Age 33: You marry the love of your life and continue to pay your bills and taxes.

  * Age 35: You have twins, one boy and one girl . . . bills and taxes.

  * Age 41: You get a divorce and remarry someone else . . . bills and taxes.

  * Age 65: You retire, collect your pension, and hit the beaches of Thailand and Hawaii . . . bills and taxes.

  * Age 87: You die, and all your belongings, all your money, and everything that you worked so hard for stays here on earth, while you enter a new realm of life (you're probably still paying bills and taxes in this new dimension).

  * After death: Within one generation of your passing, no one remembers you and your life. Ouch.

Would this journal bore you? Would it make you feel a sense of insignificance? Surely you signed up for something more extravagant, more creative, more far reaching and impactful than this?

It's not that this kind of existence is shallow (if you find purpose and fulfillment in your days), but I would argue that there isn't much passion in this structure, and if you could, you would probably want to find your calling.

Perhaps there's more to life than just borrowing slabs of plywood from the bank until you can pay it off (in twenty-five years)? Perhaps we should explore the unknown and feel uncomfortable in a pursuit for excellence and growth?

When life is scheduled out in this way, we're offered from a bird's-eye perspective of how obsessed we are with following a structured society Deviating from this structure involves risk, challenges, and the unknown. But outside the standard model of living is where you'll find excitement; it's where you'll find something extraordinary.

# Recycling Experiences

Knowing exactly what's coming next would of course take all the surprise and mystery out of this voyage we're experiencing. But more importantly, if we knew what was coming next, we would bypass key lessons for personal development.

We recycle energies we have not yet mastered.

Here's an example to explain this idea. If you knew your future, your current self might say something like this: "Oh look, at age forty-one, I divorce my partner, after we spend many years together in a dysfunctional relationship. I think I'll skip that suffering and avoid meeting that person altogether. After all, what's the point? If we don't end up together, the relationship will have been a waste of my effort, time, and money."

Well no, it wouldn't have been. Because both the marriage and the breakup mould and shape you. That relationship teaches you how to set boundaries and have the courage to pursue someone who treats you better, and it takes several years for you to get to this point. If you were to skip that relationship all together, you would fall back into your old pattern of attracting dysfunctional relationships. It was mandatory that you learned how to stand your ground and find your own self-worth.

And why was it mandatory? Because life gives exams, and if you don't pass them (i.e., you don't learn what you're supposed to learn), you continue to rewrite them. You will form a relationship with the same dysfunctional person in a different body because you didn't take the course. Keep this in mind the next time you regret something.

There will always be people in your life who will make things difficult for you. You may feel resentment and anger for such people, but remember this: everyone who shows up in your life—from the server at the dingy gas station off the highway to the person you marry to your four-legged fur baby—has something to teach you. Embrace them all wholeheartedly; see them as divine masters testing and bringing out the best in you.

# Action Plan

If swished around in the mind long enough, the following points will dissolve your fear of uncertainty. Remind yourself of them daily and watch yourself become comfortable with all things uncertain.

  * There is no perfect time – We fear the unknown because we feel underprepared for or uncertain about the outcome. Realize that there is no such thing as the perfect time to jump into something. If you've been waiting to ask that someone out on a date, are you waiting for that perfect moment where they make eye contact with you, or smile at you? If so, you may very well be waiting your whole life.

  * You can leave your comfort zone in small ways – Make a habit of doing something outside of your usual routine. You probably don't have to go too far to find a street you've never walked down, a neighbourhood you haven't explored, or a trail you haven't hiked. Check out a new place and see what you've been missing. Whether you're trying a new juice when out for dinner or backpacking across the Congo, aim to leave your comfort zone regularly. The more you leave the nest, the more you'll realize there's nothing to be wary of.

  * You don't need to justify your pursuit of the unknown – If someone questions your reason for pursing something that doesn't coincide with their beliefs, don't fall into the trap of feeling the need to explain it to them. All you need to say is "I want to." End of discussion. How you live your life is none of their business.

  * You can break out of your daily cycle – As Robin S. Sharma said, "Don't live the same year 75 times and call it a life." So many of us get up, work for eight hours, watch some TV, eat some food, do the laundry, sleep, repeat, until the pension cheque arrives in the mail. We love to establish routines that are safe and to put ourselves on autopilot. Don't become so entrenched in the everyday that you aren't participating in your life anymore. Break free!

  * Your fear is often disproportionate – If you're hesitant to try something new, ask yourself, "What's the worst that could happen?" (More on this later.) Often, if not most of time, you'll find that you've blown your fear way out of proportion! Quit worrying about what's next. On the other side of certainty is growth, and it's crucial that we choose to grow every day. We don't always need to know where we're headed or how we're going to get there. Take risks, take chances, and leave the herd mentality behind.

3

### VALIDATION

When you seek validation from others, what you're really saying is, "Your view of me is more important than my view of myself."

Oh how fanatical we are about being liked and recognized. We're on the hunt to feel worthy, to feel appreciated, or to feel as if we belong with the group. And we go so far in our pursuit to feel cherished by others that we forgot to cherish ourselves.

I'll be the first to admit that receiving praise is uplifting. I'm guilty of taking other people's opinions and ideas more seriously than my own. For example, I might say to myself, "Wow, today in yoga, I did a great job. I pushed myself beyond my comfort level, and I'm really happy with my performance." But if the instructor gives me the exact same compliment, I'll immediately feel a hundred times better, despite having just said the same thing to myself.

But shouldn't we be able to take our own compliments just as seriously as those we receive from others? Why do we allow others' opinions of us to be more powerful than our opinions of ourselves?

We all know intuitively that how we see ourselves in the world is far more important than how others see us. After all, if you have no clear vision of yourself, you'll simply become what others tell you to be—and that's no way to honour your individuality, your unique personality. To be anything other than yourself is to dishonour your divinity.

It's fine to feel good when you receive praise. But when your desire for outside approval becomes a need, or becomes more important than your own perception of yourself, then there's a problem.

It's invigorating to be yourself in a world full of people who dress the same, act the same, talk the same, and order the same drinks. Be you, in a world full of clones.

# Do You Like You?

When I was in elementary school, I watched a scene play out in front of me. I didn't give it much thought until recently. But in hindsight, it holds a lesson that sums up the premise of this chapter.

It was a warm spring day in Calgary, Alberta, and my friends and I were playing on the jungle gym during recess. One of my classmates started crying because Brenden, the class bully, told her that he didn't like her. The girl immediately ran to the playground supervisor. Now, this playground supervisor was no ordinary fellow. A hippie with long, straggly black hair, he had piercings in his ear, tattoos of Jesus all over his arms, and always wore some John Lennon–style sunglasses. He didn't speak much. How he got hired I'll never know, but I'm sure glad he did.

The supervisor quickly bent down as the girl approached. "What's the matter?" he asked.

"Brenden said he doesn't like me," she replied, wiping tears from her eyes.

I'll never forget what the playground supervisor said next.

"Well, dude, do you like you?"

The girl stopped crying and said, "Yes, of course I do."

Then the supervisor stood, raised his hands up, and announced at the top of his lungs: "Then that's all that matters, sister!"

Some of us laughed, and most of us thought he was crazy. But reflecting on this now, I can understand the power behind his words—it doesn't matter what others think or say about you. What's most important in your world is how you see yourself. If you enjoy your own company, if you love yourself, then how can anyone bring you down?

You will have immense power over your life if you can internalize this. Praise the hippie for teaching me this one. Thanks, dude.

# Self-Worth on Our Sleeves

Do you wear your self-worth on your sleeve? Consciously or unconsciously, we tend to give others (sometimes complete strangers) the power to manipulate us and control how we feel. A simple "you don't look good in that outfit" might just ruin our day.

In wearing our self-worth for all to see, we create the perfect conditions for feeling like junk. There will always be someone who has something critical to say about you. Some people spend so much time trying to please their parents, trying to fit in, trying to get a million followers on Instagram that these things become their whole life and they lose all sense of who they are.

Can you imagine spending your whole life trying to please others or live up to their expectations? You would always succumb to peer pressure, give in to advertisements, salespeople, business pitches, instructors, authority figures—essentially, anyone or anything that told you to do something—for fear of being judged or disliked. You would be controlled.

It's fine to take advice from others if it aligns and resonates with your higher self. But any time someone offers you guidance, instruction, or direction, ask yourself, "How do I feel about this?" You're the one living in your body, you're the one living in your mind, and you're the one in control. Trust your intuition over what others tell you. You know yourself on a level that no one else ever can.

You lose your authenticity when you conform to others' opinions simply for the sake of fitting in.

# Disagreement and Growth

Chasing after approval is exhausting. It's a never-ending search that will only ever result in disappointment. No matter how beautiful, charming, or intelligent you are, not everyone will agree with you. In someone's eyes, you're doing it wrong. In someone's eyes, you should have been a painter instead of a poet. In someone's eyes, you should have voted for the Liberals instead of the Conservatives. There will always be someone who doesn't support your choices. And how dull and dry would life be if that weren't the case?

A world without disagreement would foster complacency. There would be no great debates, no one challenging societal norms (and therefore contributing to great discoveries and technological advances), no progression or evolution. Different viewpoints expand civilization.

For example, most people used to believe the earth was flat and that if we were to travel far enough away from home we would fall off the world into space! Thankfully, the idea was challenged, and something new and exciting was revealed.

If change is to occur in the world, we need people who question the ways things are being conducted. And typically, these kinds of people have little regard for how people view them. They believe in themselves despite what others say.

You might be thinking, "This doesn't apply to me. I've got a handle on this one. I do what I want, when I want, how I want, and I don't care what others think of me. I'm my own person!" Just to be certain you've mastered this noise that gets in the way of the higher self, I encourage you to go through the following list. Do any of the following apply?

  1. You go out with friends despite wanting to stay home and watch Netflix with your pet.

  2. You're pursuing a career that is unfulfilling because you want to appear important.

  3. You feel obligated to buy things you don't need from persuasive salespeople.

  4. You constantly apologize for your actions.

  5. You don't speak up in class or in meetings.

  6. Your regularly put on an act to entertain those around you.

This list could go on for a hundred pages, but you get the idea. We all desire acceptance to some degree or another. This is normal. But again, when the want becomes a need, it becomes a problem. Try shifting your thoughts from "I need validation" to "If I get it, great, and if I don't, so what."

# Systems of Validation

We've been conditioned to seek approval since we were young. This isn't to say you should put the blame on someone or something outside of you (we've already covered that!). We are always responsible for our mindset. Rather, this is a gentle reminder that certain events in your past have shaped the way you view the world. To eradicate immobilizing ways of being, it's important to understand where thinking patterns originate from.

# The Educational System

Ah, school—likely one of the first places you learned that "approval from others is good and disapproval from others is bad." The educational system tends to breed conformity.

For example, we're told to do our assignments in a specific manner; we're told to justify our viewpoints in line with the way the curriculum has been set out; we're assigned desks where we must sit every day; we must ask for permission to go to the washroom; essays must be double spaced, in Times New Roman font, and three pages long. We're constantly being told how to think. Everything within the traditional school system is tailored to make you dependent on others, and to make you believe that thinking for yourself or challenging the status quo is improper. As a result, we grow up looking for answers from others instead of ourselves.

The educational system measures your aptitude with the almighty report card, the sole indicator of how well you fit in with the class, of how you compare to your peers. But of course, a report card doesn't determine someone's ability to contribute to society.

Thousands of average students and high school dropouts outperform (financially, mentally, spiritually, physically) those who got straight As in school. Getting a degree doesn't guarantee success. It may be a good start for some people, but many doctors, lawyers, bankers, engineers, and other professionals are miserable and unfulfilled despite making good money. The truth is that the educational system is too confined in its approach to maximizing human potential and happiness. I would go as far as to argue it does a great job diminishing it. How can entrepreneurs or people who challenge the norm be moulded from a place that wants everyone to be the same and play it safe?

Again, there's nothing wrong with an "average" life if you can find your purpose in that, but very few do. Those who take risks and deviate from the masses often experience a much different sort of life—an extraordinary one.

Seeing 40 percent of their income go towards taxes, making mortgage payments until age seventy, grinding away from nine to five, and living for the weekends just doesn't sit right with those in search of a more exciting journey. They desire something deeper, more fulfilling. In fact, some of the greatest contributors to the fields of science, art, business, and technology had very little desire to go with the status quo. Instead, they stepped out on their own. The following is a list from the Huffington Post and exemplifies those who have achieved great success by leaving traditional methods of thinking behind.

  * Bill Gates – Bill Gates was accepted to Harvard in 1973, but within a couple of years, he put earning a degree from one of the most admired universities in the world on the back burner. Gates pursued something he felt more passionate about—computer programming. He began coding a language and founded the company Microsoft, which is now worth billions.

  * Lady Gaga – Lady Gaga was enrolled in Tisch School of the Arts, a prestigious school that many only dream of getting into. She dropped out after a year to focus on her music career. She's now one of the most successful singers in American history.

  * Steve Jobs – Jobs found the classes that he was enrolled in at Reed College incredibly boring, and he dropped out during his freshman year to pursue other interests. Of course, Jobs went on to become the cofounder of Apple.

  * Jay-Z – This successful rapper founded his own record label, talent agency, and clothing line. He never completed his high school education.

  * Oprah Winfrey – Actress, producer, and philanthropist, Oprah is best known for her show, The Oprah Winfrey Show, which was the highest-rated television program of its kind. Oprah dropped out of college just one credit shy of graduation. Her news anchoring career was starting to look promising, so she ran with it. Her net worth now stands at over a billion dollars.

  * Mark Zuckerberg – Facebook's cofounder and chief executive left Harvard's undergraduate computer science program in the fall of 2005 to devote himself full-time to building the social network.

Most of us are brought up to believe that success means going to school, getting good grades, working hard, landing a reliable job, starting a family, and being able to contribute regularly to RRSPs. And while this is partially true, it only gets one so far. Today, a good education and gainful employment are merely the status quo—they're no longer a formula for wealth and success. Education has its place, and it isn't without merit, but it tends to push people into the "herd mentality," a place where people go to seek approval, fit in, find comfort, and minimize risk.

# Organized Religion

Religion doesn't just use blame to control, as we talked about earlier. It also instills approval-seeking tendencies in the masses.

For generations, churches and religious leaders have twisted and misconstrued the truth. A gentle man named Jesus tried to teach us how to love one another unconditionally. He was a man who believed that kindness and hope are far stronger than hate and anger. But his simple yet powerful messages have been altered over the centuries, much like a game of telephone. What he said two thousand years ago and what is interpreted from his words now are completely and utterly different. His lessons have morphed into tactics to control people's behaviour. They have been injected with fear. We must win his approval, and if we cannot, we will be punished. Religion is one of the most powerful fear policies ever implemented.

Millions of people attend church because they feel that they must gain the approval of an almighty figure. While many churches are beginning to adopt less radical views, the idea of approval is still encouraged. The church teaches people that they should act ethically not because they want to, but because someone else is telling them to. And of course, this promotes dependency and systems of validation.

The great spiritual leaders, including Jesus, Buddha, and the Dalai Lama, believe that people should simply love each other. That's an idea I'm sure we can all get behind, no matter where we live and what values we grew up with.

# The Government

The government—yet another institution that rewards those who win the most approval. And again, this gives rise to inauthentic behaviour. How many times have we heard high-ranking politicians or government officials make false or contradictory statements? So many of them twist and retract their words to appeal to their audience on a particular day. This is a common behaviour in a voting system that is structured around approval.

The approval mentality spreads across governmental organizations as well:

  * We'll take unemployment insurance, pension contributions, and taxes off your paycheque every second week, to protect your financial future and the future of those around you. You can't think and plan for yourself, so we'll happily do it for you.

  * Inequality among individuals in the workplace will surely result in chaos. So, we'll cap salaries, create unions, fund large government corporations, and reward everyone for showing up to the office, despite individual effort exerted.

  * We'll have a health-care system that is funded by the taxpayers because most of society can't take care of their bodies on their own. Thus, everyone needs to contribute equally to the pot, despite how hard one works to be healthy.

These mentalities create a culture of dependency. Ever-more people are relying on the government to give them cash or some type of benefit because they can't hold their own. While of course there is a time and place for government intervention, this dependency prevents people from reaching their higher self. This is damaging to those working their butts off to make something of themselves. For example, someone goes to school for over ten years, accrues over five hundred thousand dollars' worth of student debt, and starts working longs shifts only to be taxed significantly higher than those who earn less, to the point where the two individuals' salaries are very similar. Again, this whole government system is based on the idea that appealing to the masses is the right thing to do.

# The Paradox of Validation

A peculiar thing happens when you stop seeking recognition, approval, or validation from the world around you—you get it! People are drawn to those with self-esteem, with those who have inner conviction, who do things their way, on their terms. This isn't to say these people are arrogant and have no capacity to take advice. Rather, they're in tune with their own voice. People dig that!

The ability to be truly authentic and honest with yourself is an attractive quality. Trying to be like everyone else is boring. Have you ever been around someone who is set on their divine path? Who knows what they're doing and doesn't fake who they are? It's refreshing, isn't it?

Each of us has a knowing and purpose, and it can only stem from within us. It's not something you find outside yourself. When we follow our purpose, people can sense that we're being true to ourselves, and it's contagious! Everyone wants to be around us, even though we're doing our own thing.

Conversely, those who feel a lack of lack of purpose tend to drain those around them. They're constantly searching for things outside themselves to make them feel happy (because they can't create happiness on their own). Why do so many people feel the need to impress others with shiny new toys? What's the underlying cause of such behaviour? They're seeking approval because they feel unworthy or unimportant. They're desperately looking for others to fill that void. And in this state of being, they come across as fake and unattractive.

Follow your inner voice and watch how others become magnetized to you.

# Another Paradox

If we want to see an outcome in any area of our lives, we must first be able to feel as if we already have it. It's an odd concept to grasp, but it's how the universe works. Consider the following common expressions:

"It will happen when you least expect it."

"You won't find what you want until you stop searching for it."

Though perhaps cliché, these statements contain great wisdom. When you stop hunting for that special someone, they come along as if by magic. When you stop wanting more for yourself and start wanting more for others, you will garner abundance. And so on. But why is this?

Striving for something creates low-vibrational energy, which represents a deficiency or shortcoming. And low-vibrational energy will only ever generate more low-vibrational energy. But when you quit striving for things, when you let go of the need for them, you align your thoughts and energy with the feeling of abundance (i.e., already having everything you need). And sure enough, you'll get more of what you need in life when you feel that you already have it!

You can desire something without the attachment of needing it. And in doing so, you will see it show up in spades. This is especially true of approval. The more we yearn for it, the more we don't get it. And keep in mind that no matter how intelligent our ideas are, we won't garner approval from everyone. It's an impossible feat. We all have different values and beliefs. No matter who you are, someone will disapprove of you in some way. Just listen to yourself and what you feel to be true.

# Human Nature

We all want approval. I want approval. Your grandmother wants approval. Your fiancé wants approval. If we give a theatrical performance and receive a standing ovation, we take pleasure in knowing we entertained the crowd. If we complete a project at work and our boss congratulates us, we delight in this and garner more confidence. Even the most outstanding, well-known actors in the world crave it. I once watched a documentary on Oprah Winfrey titled: Her Life Story. She was reflecting on her twenty-five years of interviews with some of the most brilliant people of our time, and said that after almost every single interview, the interviewee would ask her:

"Did I do okay? Was that good enough?"

Oprah said that even former president Barack Obama and superstar Beyoncé followed up with, "Do you think they liked me?"

We are not alone in our pursuit of feeling good enough! It's human nature to feel. But again, when the want for approval morphs into a need, then it becomes damaging. Needs are different from wants. We need water, we need oxygen, and we need food. We don't need approval.

Self-esteem comes from within. You must create your own peace. Your life is an audience of one. This might sound selfish, but it's quite the opposite. When we approve of ourselves and live for ourselves, then we can give to others. Approve of yourself first and you'll find that the universe will bless you with all the approval you'll ever need.

# Action Plan

So how can we eradicate the noise of approval seeking, which prevents us from reaching our higher self? The answer lies in changing our inner dialogue—the way we talk to ourselves. Below are four ways to reprogram the traditional external-validation conversation we have with ourselves.

  1. Understand that the goal of achieving external approval will never be achieved. We all have different thoughts, values, ideas, and beliefs. As the saying goes, "What people think of you is none of your business." Let go of the need for approval. Instead, tell yourself, "If they approve of me, great, but if not, I can live without that approval."

  2. Know that the greatest approval of all comes from within. To seek applause from anything external is to put our happiness in others' hands. In approving of ourselves, we take control of our power. Ironically, when we do so, we will attract more approval than ever before, for the people who need it the least get it the most. (This law of attraction applies to everything in your life.)

  3. Honour your uniqueness. When you quit conforming to others or altering your behaviour to simply fit in, you will rediscover your personality. Far too many people are watered-down versions of themselves looking to belong to something or someone. Do you really want to fit in with the crowd? Or would you rather carve out your own path?

  4. Be mindful of your approval-seeking tendencies. Ask yourself, "Am I only doing XYZ because I'm afraid of how others might perceive me?" And really listen to your answer.

The only acceptance that you need is your own. And once you accept yourself, you will quit seeking out the wrong kind of validation.
4

### SOLITUDE

"Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don't want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you're doing here."

\- Eve Ensler

So much of what we do has nothing to do with what we want. So much of what we do is a result of pressure and influence from others (the herd). I urge you to listen to your instincts (your higher self) and let go of what others expect and want from you.

The most important relationship any of us will ever have in our lives is the one we have with ourselves. Once we establish a personal connection with ourselves, we can build strong relationships with others. Yet most people tend to put others ahead of themselves. They put so much pressure on finding the right person that they forget to be the right person. This philosophy is grounds for dysfunction. Cherish yourself without outside influence.

The world is full of opinions. You might be experiencing some of the following pressure as a result of the opinions of friends, family, books, society in general—even strangers on the street.

  * You're in your thirties and aren't matched up with the love of our life, and you feel behind in terms of relationships. After all, your friends are all married and have a kid (and another on the way) right? You feel isolated and inadequate.

  * You're married but don't have children. You don't have the white picket fence and a two-car garage. You feel you can't keep up with the Joneses.

  * You're in your twenties and you've lost your parents. You feel as if the herd is pitying you. It keeps implying you'll need constant help and support to get through your days.

Can you see that so much of our suffering and anxiety is based on what others are doing and how they're doing it? Our society fosters the idea that if we aren't doing what the herd is doing, we should feel uneasy and unhappy. This of course is bogus. Some of the most miserable people are the ones who "fit in."

There is a misconception that adulthood, or life, starts only when one pronounces the words "I do" and then proceeds to have children. As outrageous as it sounds, many of us have that nagging voice in our head that says, "I'll be happy when this happens."

I'm not saying you should rid yourself of contact with the outside world and that you're better off living in the woods with the wolves, your dog, and a wood-burning stove (although that sounds kind of nice at times). I'm telling you to stop comparing your life with others'. Everyone is writing their own test with its own unique questions. Stop trying to copy someone else's answers.

# Dissolving into Your Partner

It's important not to lose your identity and purpose when you're in a relationship with another person. Once part of a couple, many individuals lose their relationship with themselves. They let go of their social networks, career goals, aspirations, passions, workout schedule, daily routines, etc. They get so "caught up" in the other person that they leave no time for the things that once meant something to them.

As Wayne Dyer said, "In any relationship in which two people become one, the result is two half people." Don't lose yourself for the sake of trying to hold down a partnership. Instead, be your own person and approach your relationship with the aim of respecting your partner's space and interests. Come together to better each other's lives, not take them over. I'm not saying you shouldn't spend as much time as you want to with this person. If your time together doesn't interfere with who you are as a person, then kudos to you! That's how it should be! But if you alter your authentic self for the sake of the other person, even a little, you need to revaluate things. You can be happily involved with someone without losing your character.

# The Gift of Solitude

Let's try a little exercise to determine your level of comfort in terms of being away from familiar people and places. Imagine the following scene:

One day, your line manager calls you. You're being relocated to South China for a big project. You must immediately pack your belongings and catch the next flight overseas. You'll be leaving your friends, family, coworkers, and relatives behind to start a new chapter in a country completely foreign to you. You want the job but feel a huge amount of anxiety—who are you without your friends and family? You've created a history, a story, and meaningful relationships in the place you live.

Leaving all this behind wouldn't be easy, but what if the job turned out to be the most incredible opportunity? A huge step forward in your career? Something you really wanted? We come back to the idea of placing our power in others' hands. In this case, you might base your worth on your relationships with others. But if you had a strong relationship with yourself, you might see all the opportunities inherent in this new post. You would know there was nothing to fear in starting over, because your best friend accompanies you wherever you go. Wherever you go, there you'll be.

This has nothing to do with being narcissist or cocky. It's about understanding that you're worthwhile despite who comes into your life or leaves it. You can travel the world by yourself and not be lonely because you'll always have you.

If you haven't already read John Steinbeck's Travels with Charley, I highly suggest you do so. It's the story of Steinbeck's road trip around the United States with only his dog, Charley, and it beautifully illustrates the power of solitude.

James Kavanaugh also talks about independence in his poem "Someday"

Someday I'll walk away

And be free

And leave the sterile ones

Their secure sterility.

I'll leave without a forwarding address

And walk across some barren wilderness

To drop the world there.

Then wander free of care

Like an unemployed Atlas.
It's a comforting thought, isn't it? To know that if we want, we can leave our pasts behind. We can leave those toxic relationships, those empty conversations, those old towns. If we want, we can experience something different, something new. Despite how it might feel, we're never stuck in our current social spheres. If you believe in who you are, you can be fulfilled, regardless of what changes around you

To wander free is to let go of attachment to the idea that we need others to be fulfilled. With enough self-reflection, you might just discover that being alone can be a wonderful thing. Again, that's not to say you should become a hermit in the woods. Everything in moderation, right?

Go ahead and take yourself out on a date. Go to a café and enjoy a latte by yourself. In this midst of solitude, you will begin to hear your own voice. It won't be interrupted by people telling you what you should and shouldn't do with your life. You will find your own dreams, your own values, and your own visions. They will become crystal clear. And when you experience this, you'll know that it's more important to _be_ the right person than to _find_ the right person. For once you're sure of yourself, you will be sure of who you want in your life.

# Seeking Fulfillment in Others

You'll enter a multitude of relationships throughout your life. Some will be positive, some negative; some will be exciting, some dull. But all of them will be characterized either by codependence or independence.

My dad was the first person to tell me that we need to be in a relationship with ourselves (independent) before we can be in one with another person. At the time, I didn't fully understand what he meant. Now, I know this to be an eternal truth. To be complete, whole, and happy without someone else is to be healthy and functioning. If we are unfulfilled in some capacity and expect someone to come into our life to fill this void, we have adopted a mindset of codependency, and this will surely lead to a loss of self, and to suffering.

If you're searching for someone to make you feel valuable, to instill you with hope, or to provide you with some form of purpose, you are giving away your power and control. Why? Because that person might not always provide you with what you want. And that person might leave. You have no control over other people. So why would you let someone else control your happiness by giving them your independence?

It's no different from giving someone the keys to your car and letting them drive off in it. Why would you give someone else the keys to your happiness? Keep your keys and do what you want with your vehicle. Your happiness is yours to protect and enjoy. Yet time and time again, people place their happiness in others' hands, and as a result, they lose their peace of mind. They let someone else sit in the driver's seat. And people don't just give their keys to their significant others—they give them to complete strangers, or society, as well!

Many people stay together despite having grown apart or out of love. Instead of exiting the relationship (or fixing it), they let resentment and anger accumulate and stay together for all the wrong reasons. I'm sure you've seen people stay together for the finances, for the kids, for comfort, or for society's opinion of them. They feel the need to appear functional and perfect to others rather than be happy.

# Mirrors

Believe it or not, you can be your own entity, with your own values and desires, and still have an amazing relationship with a significant other. Every now and then, I meet people who say things like, "Oh Kyle! I've met my soul mate. We're so compatible. We think alike, we eat the same cereal, we both wake up at 6:01 a.m., we're both Christian, and we both enjoy long walks in the park on Sunday afternoons." A match made in heaven? Not necessarily. These people are looking in the mirror. They're dating themselves in a different body. Where is the growth in that?

Having common interests and desires is great, but differences help us improve ourselves. They encourage us to think about new ideas, to consider other opinions. Do you want to stay in the same place physically, mentally, and emotionally for the remainder of your days? Or can you work on something different? Can you be better than you used to be?

Often, the people who challenge us the most teach us the most valuable lessons. Your soul mate is someone who will challenge your thinking, question your behaviour (in a respectful manner, of course), and put pressure on you to leave your comfort zone and grow. Strong relationships encourage growth rather than permit stagnation.

If you're unsure whether your relationship is headed in a healthy direction or not, consider the following red flags, which indicate a codependent way of being.

  1. Your social sphere is shrinking – Just because you're starry-eyed for someone doesn't mean that you can't have your own friends. Yes, it can be fun to hang out with your partner's buddies once in a while. But if your own social sphere is disintegrating? Red flag! Take time to have a night out with your friends and be a separate individual.

  2. You're afraid to be alone – Does the thought of being without your partner make you anxious? Can you not be without them for extended periods of time? It's natural to want to spend time with your partner, but if you experience significant stress or fear in their absence (or their presence, for that matter), this is a sign of codependency. Enjoy the time away from each other. After all, if it's a good relationship, you likely have many years to spend together!

  3. Your partner is the focal point of your happiness – Placing all your serotonin (happiness neurotransmitter) in the hands of one person is a sure way to wind up in despair. If that person ever leaves you, or things don't work out for one reason or another, then your source of happiness is gone. Diversify your happiness portfolio. What else makes you happy? How can you make yourself happy?

  4. You're controlling your partner's actions – Are you always trying to control what your partner does and to whom they talk? The need to control is another form of codependency, and it stems from feeling insecure. Take a moment to realize that your partner will do what they choose to do, with or without your coaching. Allow them to write their own story without interruption. Give them space.

  5. You've become a caregiver – Often in a codependent relationship, it will feel as if one person is always taking care of the other. This too is a form of codependency. In acting as caregiver, we're seeking a type of power. We're relying on our partner to act wounded and in need of our guidance, so we can be the saviour who comes to the rescue. While it's nice to support others, we shouldn't do so as a means to feel fulfilled. A functioning romantic relationship should never feel like a parent-child relationship. Both individuals need be their own adults, with their own desires, dreams, and aspirations.

Do any of these patterns of behaviour resonate with you? Do you see slivers of truth that might indicate you have some work to do regarding becoming more independent? If so, keep on reading!

We really don't need others to make us happy. We can want them, sure. But it bears repeating: when we need them, a problem presents itself.

# Action Plan

It can be tough to feel content in your own company. It's far easier to seek contentment in the validation of others. Letting go of this crutch doesn't just happen overnight. However, if you're persistent, you can let go of the immobilizing need for others. Here are some simple steps to help you eradicate your dependency on the herd.

  1. "Do you" (i.e., do what you want to do) – Often, this will involve saying no to others. If people invite you out and you don't want to go, say "No thanks!" and get on with your life. Quit crumbling under peer pressure because you have a fear of missing out or you feel as if you need to participate in social gatherings to maintain some sort of social status. Keep your keys in your pocket!

  2. Approve of yourself – No matter what you do or say, there will always be others who disapprove. Attempting to please everyone is an exhausting battle that can never be won. If you're the only person who approves, that's a majority win.

  3. Put yourself first – It's not your job to create happiness in other people's lives. Each person is responsible for his or her own happiness. We all oversee our own emotions, feelings, and lives. To think otherwise is a form of dependency.

  4. Be alone – Acknowledge your need to recharge and reset in moments of solitude. We don't need to constantly post photos of ourselves, respond to emails, make phone calls, and put ourselves out there on social media for the world to see. Treasure your privacy. Silence and time with yourself is a precious commodity in a transparent and busy world.

  5. Let go of your past – You don't need to constantly be around others just because you've done so in the past. Remind yourself that every day is a new day, and that your past is over and done with. You are given an opportunity every morning to be someone new and pursue something else, should you want to.

  6. Honour your partner's individuality – If your partner wants to go the movies and you'd rather go on a hike, go ahead and do so without any hostility or anger. Again, it's better to have someone who allows you to grow than a mirror. When you take time apart from your significant other, it becomes easier to see this person for who they are. When you understand that your partner is a separate being with their own wants and needs, you can honour their uniqueness.

Don't lose yourself trying to be somebody you're not. There are far too many people trying to fit in, to belong—to live within the lines. Be you in a world full of noise. Be refreshingly rare. Treasure solitude.
5

### FAIRNESS

"To expect life to treat you good is as foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian."

\- Roseanne Barr

Fairness. How we wish for it—another useless, irrelevant, and noisy idea that keeps us from being true to ourselves. When we whine and moan about how we've been done wrong, taking on the "poor me" attitude, we become a victim. This is a barrier to our higher selves that many of us can relate to.

However, the fact of the matter is simple: life isn't fair.

There will always be someone out there who has more than you (and less, remember). Some people will put in half the work and reap twice the reward. Most of the world was born into poverty, in places where clean water is a luxury. There is inequality everywhere, and we don't always get what we necessarily deserve.

While on a flight from Calgary to Vancouver one time, I sat down beside a woman who was sniffling and sneezing. She kept grumbling under her breath, saying things such as, "Why am I the one who's always this sick?" "I don't deserve this—what did I do wrong?" and "Of course, I'm sick again; it's my immune system."

So many of us complain in this way. The instant something isn't in line with our expectations, we become victims. We adopt thoughts that keep us from moving forward. Because of the way she talks to herself, this woman will only manifest more reasons to feel that things aren't fair in her life. She will continue to attract sickness because she is reinforcing the message.

The search for fair treatment can be seen everywhere.

# Fairness in Sports

Competitive sports can bring out the best in people. They teach children about resilience, persevering, and putting in the effort to realize a certain outcome. Yet, many youth leagues do children a disservice by giving out participation trophies for those who fail to achieve first, second, or third place. What kind of message does this send to our next generation of workers? Essentially, "You guys deserve recognition because you showed up, and that's all it takes to make it in the world." Just participate in life and you'll make it. Don't practice harder, don't practice smarter, don't put in the long hours and make the sacrifices to reach the top—just show up on time.

We all know it takes much more than just showing up to be successful and make something of yourself.

This kind of thinking keeps teams (people) stuck in their current circumstances. Knowing that everyone receives some form of an award diminishes the drive and competitiveness necessary to realize a goal. It undermines other accomplishments while minimizing human potential.

# Fairness in Relationships

Many people believe that they must stay with their partner for the rest of their life simply because they got married. This legally binding agreement (just ink on a piece of thin pulp) is another form of "I did this, so you owe me that." The notion that we owe each unconditional love "till death do us part" is a yearning for fairness.

In reality, you aren't obligated to stay with someone until their heart stops pumping just because you signed a piece of paper. If the love for each other isn't there anymore, or has transformed into something else, find a new partner! I know many people who continue to stay in dysfunctional relationships because they feel obligated, simply because of the vows they made.

This feeling of obligation occurs in family relationships, too. How many times have your family members guilt-tripped you to do something that you didn't want to do? And because of your close relationship with them, you felt you had to comply? When you were young, your parents may have shouted at you, "Spend more time with your sibling! You're the older brother. Set an example." Often, we're taught to believe that those in our family tree deserve special treatment simply because they're in our family tree, and if this special treatment doesn't happen, it's unjust or unfair.

# Sappy Susan

Not long ago, I came across a relationship that exemplifies this self-destructive mentality. For privacy purposes, I'll call her Susan. Susan had been married for eight years, and resentment and anger had started to grow between her and her husband. She told me about how the relationship "wasn't fair," and kept a meticulous scorecard of all the things that were unjust: she had to do the grocery shopping, cook the meals, and take the kids to school while he "mingled with colleagues at work."

For Susan, the entire relationship was built around the careful and methodical tracking of unfairness. Her message to herself was simply this: "If I behave in this way, you should behave in that way, and if you don't do this, then I shouldn't do that." Her obsession with fairness was running her relationship into the ground, as it filled her mind with anger and left no room for the positive things that did in fact exist in the relationship. She was sabotaging the marriage because of her addiction to justice! Susan was so tied up in monitoring her husband's life that she failed to have any interest in or control over her own.

Unsurprisingly, the relationship ended. She placed her happiness in the hands of other people and her immobilizing desire for fairness overtook all of her pursuits. Moral of the story? Leave your obsession for justice behind.

# Why Fairness?

Yearning for fairness is a way of assigning responsibility to someone else. But we can never truly feel good if we place our power in the hands of something other than ourselves. The simple fact is that we can complain all we want about something, but it won't change other people's behaviour. And this fact should be enough to make us stop our bickering.

There will always be someone whose life is "more fair." There will always be someone who is stronger, bigger, faster, better-looking, smarter, richer, more this, more that than you. You get it. That's life. But nothing good comes from focusing on this.

Where other people happen to be is none of your concern. Focus solely on you and your journey, as it's uniquely yours to write!

Again, the world isn't a fair place—there are thousands of examples that demonstrate this. To drill this point home, here's a short list to remind you that unfairness is very much part of life.

  1. There are actors with little talent who make millions and actors with incredible talent who will never make more than minimum wage.

  2. There are CEOs who make more in two days of work than you will earn in a year (for half the amount of effort).

  3. There are people who get promoted out of favouritism and not merit.

  4. There are people who happen to be in the right place at the right time and win the lottery.

Millions of scenarios like this exist. But there's no benefit in becoming attached to these events—seeking total fairness will only dampen your spirits. Instead of becoming upset about others' good fortune, shift your thought process to "if they can do that, so can I." This positions you in a place of power rather than one of disempowerment.

# The Animal Kingdom and Fairness

From the cockroach on the sidewalk to the lion roaming the African savannah, animals of all kinds can teach us valuable lessons about accepting the world as it is, not as we would like to have it. Animals waste no time complaining about each other or the way things are.

I mean, have you ever heard a dog complain to its owner? The owner who is out all day, working? No. Upon arriving home, we're greeted by a dog who is ecstatic to see us! It's a time of rejoicing when we walk through that door. The dog doesn't make us feel guilty for not coming home earlier, or for not leaving enough food and water. There is zero moaning about how unjust things are. Animals simply accept life as it comes.

You also don't see animals having conversations with their friends and family about how unjust it is for other species to be higher up on the food chain than they are. Instead, they keep on hunting, and if they get eaten by something bigger and stronger, well, that's life.

Though their brains are smaller, dogs are in some ways seemingly more advanced than we are. They can show us how to enjoy life. They can show us how to focus on ourselves, without the need to compare or seek fairness.

# Unfairness & Growth

While we may fantasize about the idea of fairness, can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone's life was exactly equal? No one would look up to anyone or strive for greatness. We would have no heroes. We would have no role models. Everyone would be viewed the same as everyone else. As something or someone ordinary. The economy would stagnate and decline, because what's the motivation in being better than your competition if there's no payoff or reward? What great discoveries or advances in technology would occur if others weren't competing to be the first to patent something? Why pursue a goal if there's no glory in achieving it? In other words, some forms of unfairness bring about true potential by pushing us to our limits.

The key to discovering what we're capable of often comes in the form of hardships, from being put under constrains. Unfairness motivates us to be better.
6

### SOAP OPERAS

"Drama does not just walk into your life. Either you create it, invite it, or associate with it."

\- Brandi Bates

The noise of drama—we crave it like a drug. And our addiction to it prevents us from reaching a place of peace. There's always something to complain about, if we choose to. It's easy to magnify the bad and minimize the good in our lives.

Involving ourselves in drama (whining, playing the victim, comparing ourselves to others, etc.) is a compulsion. We're all way too hard on ourselves. We need to be gentler with ourselves, celebrate our victories, and be more grateful for everything and everyone around us. But, easier said than done, of course.

Let's take a look at some of the things you might obsess about.

  1. You're worried about the political instability in North Korea.

  2. Inflation is constantly going up but your salary isn't following suit.

  3. Your marriage isn't fulfilling you as much as it used to.

  4. Your coworkers are difficult to be around.

  5. All our food is processed and contaminated and making us sick.

  6. You're stressed out about your exams and assignments.

  7. Your favourite politician isn't in the running, so all the new laws and regulations are going to disrupt your life for the worse.

  8. The neighbours have more equity in their house and a larger RRSP than you do.

  9. Your children seemingly don't have the drive or skills to lead a successful life.

We can all relate to something on this list. And a list like this could literally go on forever. However, it's important to realize that it doesn't make sense to become attached to or ruminate about such things. Doing so serves us no purpose. Why advocate for being miserable when we can advocate for happiness instead? Being happy feels a whole lot better, doesn't it? If it doesn't make you happy, don't invite it into your life (or your head.)

We as a population get so caught up on focusing on the negative that we leave little room for fun in our worlds.

# Gratitude

The drama we seem to most often volunteer ourselves for comes in the form of comparison. On social media, we compare ourselves to models and celebrities and get stuck on the need to achieve the most views and likes. All this noise, all this smoke—it's stressful! Is it any wonder our minds are filled with self-defeating dialogue?

We're bombarded by comparison on the daily, and we feed ourselves drama every day simply by being on social media or watching the news. And the corporate world loves us for it. Drama is a profitable gig. Negative news is a lucrative industry, so companies will use it as a way to drive their bottom line. It's sad, but we must acknowledge and investigate this if we wish to overcome our addiction to drama. For example, which headline is more likely to grab your attention?

The positive effects of meditation on stress.

or

5,000 dead in worst mass shooting in American history.

Undoubtedly, we would all gravitate towards the headline with more drama, the one that pertains to death rather than love. Refuse to give any attention to such immobilizing thoughts. Instead, put all of your attention on what you feel grateful for. I'm sure you've heard it time and time again: what you focus on will expand. And if you feel negative, I guarantee that more negative things will show up in your life. That's just Spirituality 101.

You may be so accustomed to being filled with worry that it's difficult to think of things to feel grateful for, but there is always something. Consider the following passage. It may help to shift you from a place of worry to a place of gratitude.

If you have food in your fridge, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of the world.

If you have money in the bank, your wallet, and some spare change you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness you are more blessed than the million people who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the agony of imprisonment or torture, or the horrible pangs of starvation you are luckier than 500 million people alive and suffering.

If you can read this message you are more fortunate than 3 billion people in the world who cannot read it at all.

\- Source unknown

We've quite literally hit the genetic jackpot, haven't we? To be born in such a place, at such a time in history, is a blessing. We're fortunate enough to be alive in this century, for we very well could have been part of a world when times weren't so great.

I'm sure if you sat down to reflect for a moment, you could come up with a list of things that are amazing in your life. The truth is, there's beauty all around us, all the time, if we choose to seek such energies out (instead of the lower-vibrational energies of drama).

We don't need to watch those television programs about how the world is going to hell in a handbasket. We don't need to prove ourselves to small-minded people. We don't need to compare ourselves to those who live exotic and extravagant lives. Doing so will only fill our minds with more things to despise and resent.

Instead, start every day contemplating all the riches in your world. Place your attention on the gifts and blessings that surround you.

Just being alive is a gift—a miracle.

# Expect the Best

What if everything in your life is directing you towards a higher purpose? What if the trials and tribulations that you so oppose are serving as stepping stones to your higher self? What if instead of thinking about the drama, you focused on all the things that could work out?

We all know two types of people: those who focus on what could go wrong and those who have high hopes and see the world as supportive and giving. And we all love to be around the hopeful ones, don't we? They stand out, and things just seem to go smoothly for them, as if by magic. They seem to be luckier than most, to be in the right place at the right time. This isn't because they're more talented or more gifted than you are. It's because their minds are geared towards everything that could go right. Their inner dialogue is more "life works out for me" than "poor me, this will never work out."

Opportunities are drawn to people who hold hope inside. Why? Again, as every single self-help book out there says, what you think about all day long will find you in abundance. So be mindful of what you reflect on—those worrisome thoughts aren't just fluff floating around in your head. They consist of life energy that draws into it similar vibrations.

# Organizing Intelligence

Life began in an instant. There was a spectacular collision: a collision that carried with it all the right elements (carbon, hydrogen, oxygen—all that jazz we learned about in middle school). Out of this explosion, aka the Big Bang, came a concoction that had all the right materials to support life as we know it today.

One rock in particular was placed just the right distance from a massive fireball to allow life to exist in a sustainable temperature. A mixture of carbon and oxygen in just the right ratio allowed for an atmosphere breathable to human lungs. Salt water, freshwater, and soil covered this rock so that plants, animals, and humans could grow and flourish. Furthermore, a smaller rock was placed a perfect distance from it to stabilize its rotation.

All of these circumstances appear too perfect to be random. This is why I believe there was an intelligence behind it all, an orchestrator or director, if you will. And this is the fundamental reason why I trust the process of life. This world was created out of intention, and your life is part of this world. Just as the moon stabilizes the earth and calls to the oceans, there is something stabilizing and calling to you. You are composed of the same elements as the earth, the sun, and the moon. We're all made up of the same stuff.

Knowing this, it might just be easier not to get caught up in the drama of your life. Begin to see your world as intentional and purposeful because you were created out of this magic. Don't take your troubles so seriously. They exist to teach you something of value.

7

### OVERTHINKING

"While eating your appetizer, don't be concerned with dessert."

\- Wayne Dyer

We. Overthink. Everything. All the time. Every day. Let me paint you a picture.

Imagine your mind is plagued by drunken monkeys. They're flinging themselves from room to room, jumping around and making noise nonstop. This is essentially what's happening within most people's heads—except with thoughts, not monkeys.

Our minds are constantly bombarded with hundreds of useless, immobilizing thoughts, and these thoughts take us out of the present moment. And if we're not here in the present moment, then we're doing one of two things.

  1. Anticipating the future. When done in a negative manner, this creates anxiety.

or

  2. Ruminating about the past. When done in a negative manner, this creates regret/guilt.

# The Future Trap

When you're anticipating something that might happen, how do you feel? If it's something fun, and you're looking forward to it, you'll feel excited. But we rarely anticipate the wonderful and joyous things about to take place. Rather, we tend to occupy our minds with "what ifs." And these what ifs can exhaust us to the point of making us miss out on the most beautiful moment in our life: the present moment.

For example, say you're getting married. And instead of enjoying the planning, and anticipating how wonderful the day will be, you're worried about various things:

  1. What if the costs are too high? What if they're too low?

  2. What if the location isn't perfect?

  3. Will my outfit be perfect?

  4. What if the weather is lousy?

  5. What if we don't do an open bar and our guests are upset?

  6. What if someone has an allergic reaction to all the flowers?

If you're taking a trip, are you stressed about booking the hotels, flights, and other details instead of looking forward to the adventure? If you're taking your child to a birthday party, are you more concerned about the logistics and getting them there on time than with how much fun they're about to have? (And the time you'll have for yourself while they're away?)

The "what ifs" span our lives. The mind is a funny thing. It's so much easier for it to contemplate all the things that might go wrong than all the things that could go right.

We need to redirect the mind to the positive and the present.

# The Past Trap

How do you feel when recalling something that happened a week ago? A month ago? Or even a year ago?

Individuals who are on the road to higher consciousness will use the past only as a means for feeling good.

  1. They might recollect a fond memory of a family trip.

  2. They might think about a hardship they endured (e.g., a divorce) but with the understanding that the experience taught them something important (independence, or what they don't want in a relationship).

  3. They might think about how even though it was raining cats and dogs on their wedding, it was still one of the most beautiful days of their life.

But many of us revisit sorrow, pain, and regret. For instance:

  1. You might think about how silly it was of you to ask your crush out in middle school, and how they said no to you. As a result, you still carry a feeling of inadequacy around with you when you meet others.

  2. You might regret choosing a certain career path after you graduated college, because surely you would be richer and happier now if you'd chosen differently.

  3. You might reminisce about a lost loved one and tell yourself everything could have been different if only you'd spent more time with them.

All the would haves, could haves, and should haves cannot change your past, no matter how long and hard you ruminate about them. The past is over and done with. It's nothing more than the wake behind the boat. Don't let this "wake" drive your current behaviour. Learn from it and move forward. Last night's dinner is no more relevant to the present moment than the Cold War! They are both part of the past, which lives in the mind.

How often do you use the past to construct something positive? Next time you find yourself thinking about (in a pessimistic manner) something that happened, shift your mentality and think about something that happened in the past that you're grateful for:

  1. Your wedding day and how fun it was and how grateful you are for your partner.

  2. The day your child was born and how magical it is that you created a human being.

  3. All the fun nights you had with your friends back in university.

  4. All the trips and hikes you've been on with your family and friends.

  5. All the sleepless nights you had starting that company and how significant and precious those moments were in building your character.

Are you grateful for your story?

Once we stop overanalyzing the problems of the past and the worries of the future, we will find ourselves calm and collected.

# Calming the Restless Mind

To live fully in the now, we must take time to calm the mind and tame the monkeys. It's easy to let the mind live in a state of constant frenzy—always firing, always thinking (about the past or future), always moving, never still. Many people associate a busy mind with productivity, but this couldn't be further from the truth!

We tend to fill up our schedules, our weeks, our lives, with events (baby showers, weddings, anniversaries, deadlines, parties, games, relatives, family outings, dinners, etc.) and leave next to no time to rest, recharge, and reset the mind back to its natural state: calmness and solitude. Some people hit the age of sixty-five having never asked themselves deep and meaningful questions because their minds were always on the go, go, go.

When we're calm and still, we can ask ourselves questions worth contemplating. For example:

  1. What do I want to accomplish within the next five years?

  2. What do I want to leave behind after I pass away?

  3. Whom do I want to spend the rest of my life with?

  4. How can I be a better person?

These questions are worth pondering, don't you think? Rather than going for drinks, take a Friday night for some worthwhile reflection.

A busy mind cannot reflect, plan, pursue, and execute. So how can you calm your mind, slow down, and create space in your head for matters of the heart?

It comes down to a decision.

You are the sole creator of your thoughts, and your brain is but a muscle. It needs to practice mindfulness and thought selection to filter out the negativity and noise around you. What if we spent the same amount of time sculpting our brains as we did our biceps or our butts?

Tell me, do you fill your head with joyful, meaningful thoughts? Or do you treat it like the junk drawer in your house, the one where you throw all the miscellaneous items that should really end up in the trash?

Here are some "junk drawer" items:

  * Instagram and Twitter – Does checking your feeds all day add significant value to your life and help you achieve your goals? Or does it just take up precious time?

  * TV shows – Does watching other people live out their lives really contribute to your progress?

  * Mindless conversations – Does talking about the weather, the economy, or how you bought a new pair of pants two sizes too small give you any sense of meaning? Or bring you closer to your desired outcome?

Everything in moderation, of course. There's nothing wrong with any of these things in small doses. They can provide comfort, entertainment, and pleasure. But in the grand scheme of life, they don't offer much substance. And most of us overindulge and spend hours staring at electronic devices.

Can you imagine how much more free time we would have (to go to the gym, to write a book, to start a business, to travel, to love, to sing, to hike, to do the things that we find fulfilling) if we learned to let go of all the daily distractions that take up so much of our day?

To create a peaceful mind, we must condition the brain every single day. We must be selective/mindful of what we choose to interact with. If you don't consciously decide what to allow into your mind/life, you'll unconsciously allow the noise, and the monkeys, to infiltrate and spread. It doesn't matter how gifted or how talented you are: if you don't stand guard at the doors of your mind, you won't be able to express the potential you hold within.

# Monkey Island

Are you here or are you somewhere else? So often, we're never truly here, in the moment, in the present. Rather, we're on a place I like to call Monkey Island, a place where it's nearly impossible to enjoy your life. When you're on Monkey Island, you may be physically present, but you're mentally checked out.

  * While out for dinner, are you in the moment with the individuals you're eating with? Or are you anticipating when the food will arrive? (Or checking your phone?)

  * While driving or walking to the grocery store, are you enjoying the scenery around you? Or are you thinking about how quickly you can get your groceries and return home?

  * When out for a Sunday walk with your partner, are you enjoying their presence and the trees around you, or are you anticipating the work week and all the looming tasks and deadlines?

Let's go back to the example of animals. They don't waste their present moment dwelling on the past or the future. They live in the moment each second of the day. When you come home from a long day at work, your four-legged friends have no regard for what happened while you were gone. They are instantly with you in that moment. They are the gods of the present moment, and they can teach us great lessons about finding peace by staying present.

# Escaping Monkey Island

Once you start to become aware of all those silly monkeys filling your mind and taking you out of the here and now, you'll start to realize that most of them are irrational, or just downright silly. As Mark Twain once said, "I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened." In other words, we may indeed experience the feelings of worry and fear, but at the end of the day, the things we worry and fear don't actually happen, or are blown out of proportion.

Can you think of a time when your mind got the best of you? When it tricked you into worrying about something that didn't require any worrying at all? Knowing that most of what we worry about won't come to fruition, we can shift our minds from a turbulent ocean of negativity to a lake of stillness and positivity.

When you need to transcend a worrisome and overanalytical mind, just remember these two things:

  1. You are responsible for your monkeys

  2. You can have a conversation with your monkeys

# You Are Responsible for Your Monkeys

We can control our thoughts, and our thoughts control what we feel. This is quite a relief to many and surprising to most.

It's impossible to have a feeling without a thought preceding it. A feeling is nothing more than a biochemical response to a thought.

  1. If you feel sad, it's because you created a sad thought in your mind and the brain inhibited serotonin in response.

  2. If you feel happy, it's because you created a happy thought in your mind and the brain released more serotonin in response.

  3. If you feel anxious, it's because you created an anxious thought in your mind and the brain released cortisol in response.

You are the only person responsible for how you feel because you are the only person controlling your brain. Knowing this is the first step in your quest to calming your overanalytical mind. If you've been allowing the monkeys free rein, you're going to put an end to that now! After all, your thoughts don't rule you—you rule your thoughts. Take your power back and find peace in the ocean of stillness.

# You Can Have a Conversation with Your Monkeys

The second step to conquering your monkeys is to rationalize with them. When your monkey mind is in full swing, stop for a moment and listen to the commotion—what's it all about? Perhaps you're thinking, "If I fail my exam, my life is over" or "What if my significant other is being dishonest with me?" Whatever it might be, find out exactly what the dialogue is. Once you know this, then you can ask yourself, "What's the worst that could happen?" For example:

  1. If I fail my exam, what's the worst that could happen? I have to go to summer school and retake the course. Big deal!

  2. If my spouse is being dishonest with me, what's the worst that could happen? We break up because I need to be with someone who values honesty, and there are millions of other people in the world who can offer me exactly that.

You'll find that once you begin following up your negative thoughts with some form of rationalization, your problems will seem less severe and intense. They will feel lighter.

Here's an example we can all relate to on one level or another. Let's say you're enrolled in a public-speaking course, and your final presentation requires you to stand in front of an audience and talk for twenty minutes. The presentation is worth 30 percent of your grade. You're incredibly nervous about how you'll perform and how others will perceive your presentation and the subject matter, i.e., your monkeys are talking.

Knowing what you know now, ask yourself, "What's the worst that could happen?"

The worst-case scenario? While speaking in front of the class, you start trembling uncontrollably. You're shaking so much that you can't hold your cue cards, and they fly all over the place. While picking them up, you projectile vomit all over the teacher and your fellow classmates. Oh yes, and you also botch the presentation.

Okay, nasty stuff, yes, and very unpleasant for everyone involved. Now, let's rationalize. First, the chances of this occurring are slim (like most worst-case scenarios are), but let's say it did happen. At the end of the day, so what. Are you still breathing? Yes. Do you still have your health. Yes? Are your true friends still your true friends? Yes. Is this something that will be a great story to tell one day? Yes. Even the worst-case situation isn't so bad!

Approach every problem in your world with this sort of mentality. In the grand scheme of your lifetime, all your worries, all those monkeys, deserve very little of your time and attention. Furthermore, you'll find that most of these troubling thoughts are magnified and outright absurd to begin with. The worst-case situation rarely ever occurs, and even if it does, you have the tools to deal with it.

# Seventy Thousand Thoughts per Day

Practicing the art of being present is one of the most effective ways to regain energy and peace in your life. Did you know that your brain (again, which is but a muscle) produces seventy thousand thoughts every single day as stated by the National Science Foundation. Just imagine if most of these thoughts were things we had to take action on. How overwhelming would that be? How exhausted would you be? Although we don't physically act on everything we think, it's still energetically draining to have these thoughts roam around in our heads, and it has a very real effect on how we feel physically. You hear people all the time say how fatigued they are from sitting eight hours a day at a desk. Even though their body was stationary, their brain was working.

If you overuse your biceps, they become weak and fill up with lactic acid, indicating they've reached their limit and you should stop moving them. Similarly, if you overuse your brain by entertaining too many thoughts, you will feel the effects of burnout. Instead, nourish it and rest it. You're not meant to be reflecting, pondering, and analyzing situations, 24-7, just as you wouldn't work out your body this much. We need to empty our heads of the noise that takes up so much energy. Understand that most of those seventy thousand thoughts swinging around in your head are, quite frankly, just that—noise.

To put this in perspective, imagine if there were a machine that recorded each thought that crossed your mind in a given day. If everything you thought was expressed aloud, you would most certainly appear insane. Visualizing saying our thoughts out loud gives them a tangibility— a weight. It allows us to be more mindful of what we choose to think about throughout our days. Begin to see your thoughts as tangible in this way and practice mindfulness to restore your energy levels.

# Death—Happy or Sad?

Hopefully by this point, it's becoming clearer that there's some truth to the idea that you make yourself feel unhappy or happy, based on how you choose to process your world.

Let's consider the idea in light of the concept of death.

Death itself doesn't cause despair; the feeling of despair comes from the story you tell yourself about a death. If you're upset about losing a loved one, you're telling yourself that death is something to be sad about. This isn't to say you should delude yourself into thinking you're happy when someone you love passes away. It's about altering your way of thinking. Ask yourself, "Why should I choose sadness in this moment? Will this sadness add any value to my life, or to the lives of the people around me? Or will it only add more pain?"

We can choose to see death as a positive thing—the loved one gets to begin a new life in a different form. We can choose to see that our loved one lived their life to the fullest and has moved into another realm. In fact, many cultures see death as a transformation into light and love rather than something dark and painful.

Our whole world is built on how we choose to analyze the events around us, even something as concrete as death.

# The Voice

We are not the voice in our heads—we are the observer of this voice. In his book A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle said, "Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them."

In closing, here's an affirmation for when your thoughts feel overwhelming:

My thoughts are my own, but they do not describe me. If I think about something negative, I don't have to engage with that thought. I can observe that thought, rather than embody it. By noticing my thoughts, I will no longer be a slave to them.
8

### RUNNING WILD

"The blossoms vanish of themselves as the fruit grows. So too will the lower  self vanish as the  divine grows within you."

\- Swami Vivekananda

I've always loved Hindu monk Swami Vivekananda's quote about the blossoms. His words encapsulate what this whole book has been about—ridding yourself of the lower energies so that you can blossom and grow. When we chip away the excess and operate from a higher awareness, we can run wild.

The higher self isn't so much a destination we arrive at. Rather, becoming our higher selves is a continuous game of self-discovery. If we think we have arrived and have mastered everything we came here for, we are mistaken. Even the most enlightened individuals have work to do, and if they can't do more for themselves regarding self-improvement, then there is always more that they can share with others. There will always be people looking to better themselves, and we can all help others run wild.

Those who operate through their higher selves work to share the best versions of themselves with the world. While the idea of operating through the higher self may seem mystical, magical, and unattainable, it's a real possibility. Again, all we must do is chip away the excess—let go of all the unnecessary noise (blame, desire for fairness, drama, overthinking, etc.) Abraham Maslow described higher-functioning people as "self-actualized." Self-actualization only occurs when we have come to a place of tranquility in our lives. It is the pinnacle of human development.

This chapter outlines how fully functioning people conduct themselves in the world.

# Trust the Process

When you think of someone who has put a great deal of work into finding "the best version of themselves," you likely think of some enlightened being—perhaps a guru hiding out in the Eastern Himalayas with nothing but a sheepskin loincloth on. Well, this couldn't be further from the truth (I mean, how can anyone wearing just a loincloth be happy?). These people aren't any different from you or me externally. They look like regular people. However, the one major distinction that fully functioning people share is simple: they have an ability to enjoy life. And why do they enjoy life? Because they trust in the process of it.

People who aren't operating through their higher selves are irritable. They get upset or frustrated when things don't turn out the way they expected them to. Let's say it's New Year's Eve and the weather takes a turn for the worse. Taxis are delayed by an hour. Someone who is functioning at lower levels of consciousness will immediately start complaining about how this shouldn't be happening to them and how their night is ruined because they're going to miss their party. They feel victimized by the external circumstances and say things such as this:

  * "Of course the roads are bad tonight—this always happens to me."

  * "This is just my luck. I'm late for everything."

  * "Every New Year's, something goes wrong."

  * "Why does this only ever happen to me and no one else?"

  * "My taxi driver must be inexperienced. It's his fault for ruining everything. He should have known the roads were going to be in lousy conditions."

Conversely, those operating from higher levels of energy will respond with contentment and ease, with grace and acceptance.

  * "The cab will arrive when it arrives. It's not in my control."

  * "If I miss the countdown, I'll celebrate New Year's in my own way, in my own time."

  * "Of course the cabs are delayed—it's snowing like mad out there."

  * "Who says New Year's needs to be celebrated at the stroke of midnight?"

  * "I'm the only person to blame in this situation, as I called the taxi twenty minutes before midnight."

Self-actualized individuals who honour their higher selves aren't troubled by the minuscule things in life, and accept total responsibility for what they experience. They are too busy being effective and growing in their own worlds to make time for victimization and blame.

# Stop Worrying

Fully functioning individuals focus on the bigger picture. They believe that life is working out in their favour, and this belief results in a lack of anxiety and worry—when they come across a trial or tribulation, they know on some level that there's a higher purpose to it. Thus, they don't get caught up in the petty concerns of the day that so many of us stress over: traffic jams, fender benders, a shirt being sold out at the mall, past breakups, delayed flights, etc. They elect not to worry because not only do they see the silver lining in every circumstance, they also see the irrelevance of worrying.

It makes no sense to worry about what we can't control, for we have no say in the matter, and it also makes no sense to worry about we do have control over, for we can do something about it, if we want. Therefore, there is absolutely nothing for us to worry about. Worrying serves no purpose. It only distracts us from the precious present—the here and now.

# Set Boundaries

Individuals who are connected to their higher selves also have no concern for others' opinions and judgments. They set clear boundaries for themselves without feeling guilty about it.

Say you're at a family function one evening and feel the urge to go home. You've made your rounds, made the small talk, and now you want to take a nice warm bath and unwind after all the socializing.

As you make your exit, your relatives surround you and tell you how sad they are to see you leave. Then they start saying things like, "Everyone you love is right here! Why on earth would you leave?" or "It's not like you have anything more important to do—it's Saturday night!"

Or perhaps they take on the role of victim and ask you one of the most manipulative questions: "You must not be enjoying your family—did we do something wrong?"

Now, the individual who is disconnected from their higher self will often succumb to such a guilt trip. Although they yearn to be back in the comfort of their home, they give in to the peer pressure of their relatives. And why do you think the person breaks in such a situation? The answer is quite simple.

It's because they are more concerned with how others view them than how they view themselves. They feel the need to please the family for fear of being excluded from functions in the future.

On the contrary, someone who has no regard for external opinions (someone who is connected to their higher self) will handle the situation much differently: "Thank you, I had lovely time. I'm going home." Even as the family continues to insist that they stay, the individual keeps smiling, doesn't make excuses, and leaves, despite the guilt trip. They are steadfast in their decision to go home without concern for how others view them.

This person, who relates to their higher self, places more importance on their perception of themselves than others'. They don't get upset or anxious about leaving the party, and they feel no obligation to stay, no desire to live up to expectations. Their values and beliefs are aligned with their own convictions, not their families', the government's, the education system's, their neighbours', etc. They understand that to be authentic, we must set clear boundaries in life and therefore let go of what people think we should be.

# Rise Above the Herd Mentality

The people who disregard societal norms and external opinions typically forge a path that many view as different, unique, or absurd. The typical path is as follows:

  1. Get an education

  2. Get a job

  3. Get married

  4. Have kids (two, ideally)

  5. Save for retirement through RRSPs, TFSAs, and other financial plans

  6. Retire at sixty-five

  7. Collect a pension and travel

  8. Pass away peacefully surrounded by your loved ones

Again, while there's absolutely nothing wrong with structuring your life this way (if you find purpose and fulfillment in the process), the person who lives through their higher self typically desires a deeper and richer experience of life. They desire to leave this planet a little bit better than it was when they arrived. They feel an inner calling directing them to be the creator or architect of something that isn't shaped by societal norms and expectations. Fitting in with the crowd and clocking in and out of work doesn't give them a sense of purpose; it makes them feel uncomfortable.

The fact is, most of the world lives within the herd mentality because it's safe. Most people are afraid to stand out and be vulnerable. Most would rather keep things predictable, steady, and risk-free, in a place where failure and uncertainly are kept to a minimum. Doing this creates a life of mediocrity. In living the standard life, you dilute your control and hand over your authenticity to fear.

The self-actualized dare to be great, dare to be different, and dare to create the life they envision for themselves. We can all do great things—we just have to stop caring so much about our pride and ego and summersault into the unknown. To make big changes in the world, we must take risks.

# See Every Moment as New

Those who are functioning from a higher state have the wonderful capacity to appreciate each moment as fresh, new, and exciting! They experience each day as a blessing filled with awe, pleasure, and anticipation.

These people see an ordinary Tuesday as another twenty-four hours to be alive, to witness a miracle or experience a blessing. For them, every full moon is as beautiful as the first one they saw; the sun warming their face or the wind blowing through their hair makes them feel refreshed and alive. They hold gratitude and wonder within them wherever they go, for they understand that the more they're grateful for, the more they will attract reasons to be grateful.

They are constantly aligning their thoughts with stuff that makes them feel happy. They know that to do otherwise is pointless and detrimental to their health.

These people don't look for reasons to be upset (as many people do). Rather, they look for occasions to smile. I'll give you an example.

# Grocery Store

You're standing in line at the grocery store and the person in front of you is ringing through their items. Suddenly, this person remembers that they forgot to grab eggs, and bolts to aisle four to get them. The line stalls. Those in line can react in one of two ways, which will say a lot about what a person holds inside them.

  1. They will become anxious because three minutes of their day have been wasted by this inconsiderate individual. Then they'll complain about this person holding up the line and about how rude it was of them to run back to get that last item.

Or

  2. Seeing that they have an extra three minutes, they might get out their phone and catch up on emails or texts. They might start a conversation with the person behind them in line. They might even go as far as to think about how incredibly fortunate they are to live in a country where they can get fresh food and clean water in a warm building within a matter of minutes.

See the difference? Fully functioning individuals stick with what empowers them, rather than what disempowers them. Instead of feeling attacked or victimized by someone forgetting to grab eggs, they let go of the trivial matter without personalizing it.

# Don't Take Things Personally

Best-selling author Wayne Dyer, considered by many to be the father of motivation in the twenty-first century, spoke to people around the globe about resilience. He regularly asked his audiences this question: "What happens to an orange when you squeeze it?" The obvious answer is orange juice, because that's what inside. He argued that people are no different. If someone puts pressure on you and anger, judgment, bitterness, resentment, and hate come out, then that's what you're holding inside. Those in that grocery store line who display anger and resentment are releasing a part of themselves.

Therefore, we must take everyone's actions as lightly as possible. How people behave has everything to do with them.

# Treasure Yourself

Lastly, those who honour their higher selves have the profound ability to be champions for themselves. This isn't to say that they're arrogant or self-absorbed. Rather, they treasure themselves enough to extend love and admiration their own way. They value themselves as you would value any precious material good you possessed—you would admire it and treat it with care and love because it means something to you. If you had a Lamborghini, I'm sure you would keep it in pristine condition by washing it, taking it for oil changes, and performing regular maintenance checks. So why wouldn't you take care of yourself, pamper yourself, feed your body nourishing substances, and clear your mind of anything that restricts happiness?

When we get all the junk and low-vibrational thoughts out of our heads, we free up space for the good. And what we will come to discover is an overwhelming sense of love for ourselves. And when you feel this way about yourself, nothing can bother you. How can you ever feel unloved by someone else if you have love for yourself? No one can take that love away from you, for it stems from you. In the same vein, how can you ever be lonely if you like the person you're alone with?

It's a wonderful place to get to, and it's my hope that these chapters have helped you get there. Have fun chipping away the noise in your life.

What's left behind will be you.

I hope you enjoy each second of your life.

I hope you run wild.

### DAILY REMINDERS

"It's the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen."

\- Muhammad Ali

Reminder: When we blame another, we give our power away. We place responsibility for our feelings on someone else.

Affirmation: I clear and release any and all ways I am holding on to blame.

Reminder: Embracing the unknown is a sign of trust in something larger than yourself. It's a practice that reveals answers to questions you didn't even know you had. Choose to be curious and explore the vastness of life. Times of uncertainty result in resilience and depth.

Affirmation: I am in the process of exploring who I might be.

Reminder: The only opinion of you that really matters is your own. Who you are is what makes you extraordinary. Do not change your unique foundation for anyone.

Affirmation: To be myself in a world full of clones is a beautiful thing

Reminder: The greatest gift in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.

Affirmation: I cherish my time off and the solitude that comes along with it.

Reminder: The problem isn't that life is unfair – it's your resentment towards it.

Affirmation: I am grateful for everything and entitled to nothing. No one owes me anything.

Reminder: Don't feed into other people's drama. Reconsider unhealthy relationships. Be clear and straight with other people.

Affirmation: My relationships exist without toxic interactions. They are built on genuine support instead of drama.

Reminder: The true beauty of life can be found only in the present moment.

Affirmation: I allow myself to experience this moment fully.

Reminder: Trust the process, stop worrying, set boundaries, rise above the herd mentality, see every moment as new, don't take things personally, and treasure yourself. Run Wild.

Affirmation: I will treasure myself forever and always.

Edited by the wonderful Rachel Small  
\- Instagram: indieeditor

Stunningly illustrated by Evgenia Filimonova  
\- Instagram: zhenkafilka

Thank you

