
English: 
My mom and dad are both lactose
intolerant
But I kind of thought maybe because I'm
Americanized, I wouldn't catch the Chinese disease.
But it doesn't work that way; its
genetics
So I was in Philly, this was the
eighth-grade Philly trip
I was in the Bethesda, Maryland area at
the time
My first time in Philadelphia
I'm all excited. I have I have milk, lots of milk
and we go inside, I think it's like
Independence Hall
or one of those like tourist things where they show you a
big long video about Philly.
The whole eighth-grade classes is in there
you know, watching the movie and
I just
I'm farting every five seconds
I'm farting every five second; they're loud-ass farts.
Everyone's like, "Ill! Ill!"
eighth-grade, I developed this really bad
habit where I like to throw boogers at people.
One time in math class, I got really really bored.
So I picked out a booger from my nose and I chucked it at a friend

Chinese: 
我妈和爸都喝不了牛奶
但小时候，我以为我不会有这个问题。
但是，这是遗传。没办法改变。
八年纪，全班来费城。
我当时住在马里兰周。
是我第一次到费城。
我很兴奋，并且喝了很多牛奶。
我们全班进入了可能是独立纪念馆
不记得是不是。是一个专给游客的大厅。
然后我们看一个讲费城的视频。
八年级全班都在。所有的朋友，所有的漂亮女孩。
当视频播放时
我也播放屁不停
每五秒钟，我就放一个。
大家都听到了！
八年级，我开始了一个坏习惯。我有时要把鼻屎往别人身上丢。
有一次在数学课我很无聊。
我就开始用鼻屎来射击朋友。

English: 
but this time it didn't just hit him; it
actually went in his ear
And not only that, he noticed so
He turned around, he thought I chucked a
piece a paper
He's like, "Yo, Jerry, whatever you threw at me, it went in my ear."
and I was so ashamed, I couldn't tell him it
was a booger
I actually woke up this morning I
thought what if it's still in his ear
after like 10 years
but that's a bad image, so don't actually think like that
So in China, right, back in the day before like
America really came in and imperialized China
they pooped in a natural position, which is
like all the way down like a squat
like a crouch
When I was little, I was really afraid of those toilets
Because they were basically a hole in the ground
I was always afraid of falling in, so
preschool I was like 3
I really need to go, but I didn't want to squat over those holes
so you know what can? I just shit all
over myself.
And it was like in the morning too
So I didn't tell anyone this shit
was all over me flight for the
whole day
And no one noticed, everyone blamed other people

Chinese: 
但这一次，我不仅射到了他，我还射进了他的耳朵。
鼻屎一进他耳朵他就感觉到了！
他转过头来说：
“刘悦，进我耳朵了!”
我没勇气告诉他我丢的是鼻屎。他以为是纸。
今天早晨我醒来时想着万一那块鼻屎还在他耳朵里怎么办？
十年啦！
但还是最好不要想！
原来在中国
美国帝国主义还没占领中国文化。
大便都是蹲着接的
很多人不会。
我小时候害怕用学校的蹲便器
因为当时没有蹲便器。就是地上的坑。
我当时上幼儿园，三岁，一直害怕掉进坑里，所以能不在学校大便，就不大便。
有一次忍不住了，但又不敢用厕所。
怎么办？只有拉到自己身上。
而且还是早上发生的。
我没有告诉老师或同学。
整天屎都在我身上。
有人闻到，可是都怪罪别人。

English: 
I was just a good kid so they didn't like expect me to be the one to shit my pants.
I used to do kung fu back when I was in like 2nd grade in China
and one time I just learned some sort of front kick
so, I kicked the door to the bathroom
go in and
I kicked it so hard, the door a totally went flying
but it didn't go flying because there was guy standing behind the door
and the door hit him in the face so
hard and almost knocked him out
and see: the kid actually look like a pretty gangster kid
so, he totally could've kicked my ass because
Back then, I wasn't so good at Kung Fu
because that one kick, I just landed it so
well
he probably thought I was a Kung Fu master, so he didn't kick my butt
but if you're ever watching and you could have 
totally kicked my butt
and gotten revenge for knocking your tooth out
I'm sorry about that, by the way.
This was also in preschool; we had this
one teacher.
so back in the day in China
teachers will hit you
so we had this one teacher
She not only hit you, she hit you in the
face
So that's kind of like taking it overboard

Chinese: 
我当时还算老实，所以没有人怀疑是我。
我二年纪开始武术
有一次，我想测试我腿法。
我就踢开了少年宫厕所的门。
那一脚踢得太漂亮了。
可是，不小心打着站在门里面的一个小孩儿。
那门把他脸打得很凶
这小孩实际看起来很想个痞子。
我保证他当时可以把我打得鼻青脸肿。
我当时没有什么真功夫
就运气那一脚踢得恰好
那小孩可能还以为我是武术小灵童。可是我真不是。
你要是看到这个视频， 我承认你当时要真报仇可以把我痛打一顿
 
对不起，我不是有意的！
幼儿园有一个老师
当时中国老师
会用手打小孩儿
我们有一个老师
她不仅用手打，还敢打脸
这就不对了

Chinese: 
我特恨她
她还是中国的乡下人
没什么文化
这说得比较过分，但
是事实
乡村人
我当时喜欢骂怪话
我每次骂，她就打我脸。我恨死她了。
中国幼儿园规定小孩儿睡午觉。
我当时好动
从来就睡不着
我就趁机报仇
我在床上拉了屎
好大一团屎
 
全都被她清洁
 
算是报仇了！
但实际上没抱够。
因为她打我脸打得太多了
我现在在相机上道歉
二十年了？
１５年了

English: 
So I fuckin hate it because she was
awesome in the countryside
And people in China in the countryside like
they don't know anything.
I mean that's such a horrible thing to say but
it's kinda true in every nation, you know, rednecks.
But they're like Chinese rednecks.
I would always like curse in class I
just always had tourettes
So she punched me in the face and I was three, and I really hated her.
In China, they force you in preschool to take a nap
and I couldn't because I was very ADD.
So I couldn't take a nap, so what I
do?
let's get revenge on this fucking bitch
that kept hitting me in the face
so I shit all over the bed, but you
could tell I planned it
Because I didn't shit on myself
It was just all over the bed. 
And then she came up and she had to like
clean it all herself. 
So I got my revenge on
that bitch kinda
but she still hit me too many times so
I guess it wasn't true revenge
That's a very official apology, on
camera, I'm sorry I kicked the door
twenty years later
seriously...it's like 15 years later

Chinese: 
很抱歉
我知道门砸得很疼
当打着他时，我看到了他的痛苦。
他肯定哭了
小痞子当时可能都可以用眼泪来刺死我
（伙伴笑）

English: 
I'm really sorry
I can tell it hurt him. The door went BOOM
And when it hit him, it went BOOOM.
Pretty sure he'd like cried afterwards
He was pretty gangster, so he could've taken those tears and stabbed me.
(Dennis laughs)
