NAME A REASON
YOU'D DUMP A GUY.
MINTEE: HIS PENIS IS TOO SMALL.
AUDIENCE: OH!
[CHEERING AND LAUGHTER]
WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE?
MINTEE: THAT'S MY 90-YEAR-OLD
GRANDFATHER.
[LAUGHTER]
MY GRANDMOTHER. MY PARENTS.
MY GRANDMOTHER. MY PARENTS.
MY AUNT AND UNCLE.
[LAUGHTER]
HIS VERY SMALL PACKAGE.
BESIDES GUM,
NAME SOMETHING PEOPLE CHEW
ON BUT DON'T SWALLOW.
[BUZZER]
MOLLY: SPERM.
I DON'T KNOW.
STEVE: WHAT?
SPERM!
[BUZZER]
ALL RIGHT, ASHLEY, YOU GOT TO BE
CAREFUL. WE GOT TWO STRIKES.
PATTERSON FAMILY CAN STEAL. GIVE
ME A REASON A LADY SQUIRREL
MIGHT SAY SHE'S NUTS ABOUT HER
MATE.
ASHLEY: HE HAS BIG NUTS.
STEVE: 'CAUSE HE GOT...'CAUSE HE
GOT BIG NUTS. [LAUGHS]
GOT BIG NUTS. [LAUGHS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BRITTNEY, MY BOSS MAY HAVE MORE
MONEY THAN I DO, BUT I GOT MORE
BLANK THAN HE DOES.
BRITTNEY: MONEY. I'M GONNA MAKE
MORE MONEY...
STEVE: MY BOSS MAY HAVE MORE
MONEY THAN I DO, BUT I HAVE MORE
MONEY THAN HE DOES.
SEE, BRITTNEY SAID THAT MY BOSS
MAY HAVE MORE MONEY THAN I DO,
BUT I HAVE MORE MONEY
THAN HE DOES.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
STEVE: ALL RIGHT, VALERIE,
INTRODUCE EVERYBODY.
VALERIE: ALL RIGHT, RIGHT HERE,
FIRST UP, WE HAVE MY BIG
BROTHER, BALLOON FREAK, PAUL,
JR. THEN WE HAVE MY DOG-BARKING
DAD PAUL, SR.
[IMITATING A DOG BARKING AND
SNORTING]
STEVE: YEAH! YEAH!
YEAH! COME ON, BOY, ONE MORE
TIME.
[BARKING AND SNORTING]
HE THAT GOOD DOG, TOO.
[SNORTING]
REBECA, 2 STRIKES. YOU GOTTA BE
CAREFUL. OTHER FAMILY CAN STEAL.
GIVE ME SOMETHING A LONELY
PLUMBER MIGHT DO WITH HIS
PLUNGER.
REBECA: HE MIGHT BRING IT WITH
HIM TO THE BATHROOM.
STEVE: WHAT DO--
REBECA: LIKE USE IT AS A
PLUNGER?
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT YOU DID. SHOW ME WHAT YOU
DID.
[LAUGHTER]
NO. [INDISTINCT]. WHO IS THE GUY
BACK THERE WITH THE GLASSES ON?
OH, THAT'S MY DADDY.
STEVE: THAT'S WHAT--
REBECA: THAT'S MY DADDY!
STEVE: I DID LIKE THAT, HE
WENT...
REBECA: THAT'S MY DADDY!
STEVE: "HEY, HEY. LET'S SHUT
ALL THIS DOWN."
HEY, POP SAID, "HEY."
USE IT!
TERRY, SOMETHING A MAN
HOLDS IN FRONT OF HIS LAP WHEN
HIS ZIPPER BREAKS.
TERRY: STEVE, I'M GONNA SAY A
CUP.
STEVE: A CUP.
STEVE: AW, YEAH. AW, YEAH.
AIN'T NOBODY GONNA NOTICE
NOTHIN' NOW. OH, YEAH, YOU PUT A
CUP RIGHT THERE, BUDDY...
[LAUGHTER]
AIN'T NOBODY GONNA EVER KNOW
THAT. YOU'RE JUST GONNA PUT THAT
CUP...
TERRY: YOU KNOW WHEN YOU AT THE
CLUB AND YOU HAVE A DRINK IN
YOUR HAND--
STEVE: OH! HOLD UP, PASTOR.
TERRY: BUT I'M NOT AT THE CLUB.
I'M JUST SAYING.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
IF YOU'RE AT THE CLUB, YOU GOT A
DRINK, YOU KNOW.
[LAUGHTER]
YEAH!
STEVE: A CUP.
[BUZZER]
AUDIENCE: AWW...
NIGEL, 100 SINGLE WOMEN. FIRST
THING YOU DO WHEN YOU GET HOME
FROM AN ANNOYING BLIND DATE.
NIGEL: I'M GONNA MAKE THIS
REALLY, UH, PG AS MUCH AS
POSSIBLE. UM, PLAY WITH
THEIRSELVES?
JUSTIN: HA HA HA!
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
NIGEL: FONDLING?
JUSTIN: HA HA HA!
NIGEL: IS FONDLING A BETTER
ANSWER?
JUSTIN: HA HA HA!
NIGEL: HE LIKE IT.
SEE? SEE HIS FACE?
STEVE: MR. CLIVE LOOK LIKE HE
WANT TO BUST YOUR HEAD.
[BUZZER]
NAME SOMETHING
A MAN MIGHT WEAR TO WORK IF HIS
FEMALE BOSS TOLD HIM TO DRESS
SEXIER.
DAVID: I'M GONNA GO WITH
NIPPLE RINGS, STEVE.
RISHAWN: HA HA HA!
DAVID: STEVE!
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
DAVID: WHERE YOU GOING, STEVE?
STEVE: WHERE I'M GOING?
RISHAWN: HA HA HA!
STEVE: OVER HERE 'CAUSE THAT
AIN'T FITTIN' TO BE UP THERE.
RISHAWN: IT'S UP THERE, STEVE.
STEVE: NO, IT'S NOT!
[LAUGHTER]
NOBODY TOLD YOU TO WEAR
NO DAMN NIPPLE RING TO WORK!
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
TELL ME A PLACE YOU GO
WHERE YOU TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES.
REGINA: SLIP AND SLIDE.
JON: YEAH. YEAH!
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
THIS KIND OF STUFF. WHAT IS
SLIP AND SLIDE?
REGINA: YOU KNOW, THE ONE THAT
WE USED TO PLAY MR. WIGGLE WITH.
[LAUGHTER]
JOSH: MR. WIGGLE?
I DIDN'T SAY IT. I DIDN'T SAY
IT.
STEVE: WAIT A MINUTE. HOLD IT.
WAIT.
REGINA: THE LITTLE WIGGLE THAT
YOU GO AND YOU SLIDE DOWN.
STEVE: YOU SLIDE DOWN MR.
WIGGLE?
REGINA: NO. MR. WIGGLE IS
WIGGLING AND WETTING YOU WHILE
YOU'RE SLIDING.
STEVE: WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A
MINUTE. MR. WIGGLE IS WETTING
YOU? AND THEN THE SLIDE?
REGINA: YEAH. AND THE SLIDE THAT
YOU SLIDE, YOU KNOW.
JON: GET IT NICE AND LUBED UP,
EH?
STEVE: MISS REGINA, WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
[LAUGHTER]
REGINA: YOU KNOW, MR. WIGGLE.
STEVE: I'M FAMILIAR WITH MR.
WIGGLE.
REGINA: RIGHT. BUT IT WIGGLES
AROUND TO WET YOU.
STEVE: IS IT ANYTHING...
REGINA: AND IT WETS...
STEVE: IT WIGGLES AROUND TO WET
YOU?
SO, REGINA, MR. WIGGLES, HE DONE
GOT LOOSE. MR. WIGGLES IS JUST--
REGINA: YEAH. YEAH.
STEVE: ALL OVER THE PLACE. WHOO!
AND YOU GETTING WET.
YOU LOOK UNHAPPY. GO
AHEAD.
REGINA: BECAUSE YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND, AND I THOUGHT
EVERYBODY HAD--ESPECIALLY MY AGE
WOULD KNOW ABOUT MR. WIGGLE.
STEVE: I TOLD YOU. REGINA, I
TOLD YOU I'M VERY FAMILIAR WITH
MR. WIGGLE. I JUST--I NEVER
CALLED HIM THAT. BUT THAT'S...
[LAUGHTER]
REGINA: WELL, WHAT DID YOU CALL
HIM?
STEVE: RUSSELL.
REGINA: OH, OK. OURS WAS MR.
WIGGLE.
[LAUGHTER]
STEVE: IT WAS RUSSELL THE WONDER
MUSCLE. YOU CAN CALL YOURS
MR. WIGGLE IF YOU WANT TO. MINE
IS RUSSELL THE WONDER MUSCLE.
WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, HE HAD A
HIP-HOP NAME. I CALLED HIM
NOTORIOUS B.I.G.
[LAUGHTER]
JOSH: OH, MY GOD.
STEVE: JUST NOTORIOUS FOR SHORT.
MR. WIGGLE!
[BUZZER]
MARVIN, WHAT'S UP, MAN?
MARVIN: HOW ARE YOU, UNCLE
STEVE?
STEVE: I LIKE THIS, MARVIN.
MARVIN: THANK YOU, STEVE.
STEVE: RIGHT UP MY ALLEY
RIGHT HERE.
MARVIN: THANK YOU, UNCLE STEVE.
STEVE: YEAH, I WEAR PIMP STUFF.
MARVIN: IS THAT RIGHT?
WE BROUGHT YOU A UNCLE MARV
SPECIAL.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
MAN: YEAH, YEAH.
YEAH, YEAH.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
NIKI: YEAH!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
SINGERS: ♪ I CAN TURN THE
GRAY SKY BLUE
I CAN MAKE IT RAIN
WHENEVER I WANT IT TO
OH, I CAN BUILD A CASTLE
FROM A SINGLE GRAIN OF SAND
I CAN MAKE A SHIP SAIL
ON DRY LAND
BUT MY LIFE IS INCOMPLETE
AND I'M SO BLUE
'CAUSE I CAN'T GET NEXT TO YOU
I CAN'T GET NEXT TO YOU, GIRL
I CAN'T GET NEXT TO YOU
I CAN'T GET NEXT TO YOU, GIRL
I CAN'T GET NEXT TO YOU
I CAN FLY LIKE A BIRD IN THE SKY
HEY, I CAN BUY ANYTHING
THAT MONEY CAN'T BUY, OH
I CAN TURN A RIVER
INTO A RAGING FIRE
I CAN LIVE FOREVER
IF I SO DESIRE ♪
STEVE: YEAH.
BOY, LOOK AT ME.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
STEVE: ALEISHA, WHAT DO YOU DO?
ALEISHA: I'M AN INBOUND
MARKETING STRATEGIST FOR
COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES DURING
THE DAY, AND AT NIGHT I'M A
DANCER, NOT THE EXOTIC KIND.
STEVE: YEAH. SO YOU MARRIED?
ALEISHA: I AM NOT, NOT YET.
STEVE: NOT YET?
WELL, WHAT'S WRONG?
[LAUGHTER]
ALEISHA: WELL, I'M JUST WAITING
ON HIM TO POP THE QUESTION.
[AUDIENCE OOHs]
YEAH.
STEVE: WHO--WHO IS HE?
ALEISHA: UH, HE IS MY LITTLE
SUGAR, DARK-SKINNED, TALL
EVERYTHING TO ME.
STEVE: REALLY?
ALEISHA: YES.
STEVE: Y'ALL KNOW HIM?
BRANDON: OH, YES. YES, SIR.
STEVE: HE ALL RIGHT, THOUGH?
DAMION: HE COOL.
STEVE: HE COOL?
DAMION: HE REAL COOL.
STEVE: OK.
DAMION: HE REAL COOL.
STEVE: HE PASSED THE TEST?
DAMION: AND HE'S A DOCTOR.
STEVE: HE'S A DOCTOR? OOH!
ALEISHA: HA HA!
DAMION: RIGHT.
ALEISHA: I WASN'T GONNA SAY
THAT. I WAS LEAVING
THAT PART OUT.
STEVE: GIRL, YOU NEED TO
HURRY UP.
ALEISHA: HA!
STEVE: YOU NEED TO HURRY UP.
YOU CAN'T LET THAT ONE GET AWAY.
ALEISHA: IT'LL BE TWO YEARS,
JULY 7 THAT WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER.
STEVE: OH, THAT YOU ALL BEEN
DATING?
ALEISHA: YEAH.
STEVE: OH, THAT AIN'T THAT LONG.
ALEISHA: IT'S COMING.
STEVE: YOU THINK SO?
ALEISHA: OH, I KNOW SO.
[LAUGHTER]
I KNOW.
STEVE: I BET YOU DON'T.
ALEISHA: I MIGHT NOT KNOW THE
DATE THAT IT'S COMING, BUT I
KNOW IT'S COMING.
STEVE: YEAH. 'CAUSE, SEE, I'M
THE C.L.O. LET ME SHOW YOU
SOMETHING.
ALEISHA: OH, OK.
STEVE: COME HERE. I'M GONNA SHOW
YOU SOMETHING. COME OUT HERE.
NOW YOU STAND HERE.
ALEISHA: OK.
STEVE: OK, COME ON. NOW I WANT
YOU TO SEE SOMETHING. I WANT YOU
TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME. NOW, I'M
GONNA LET YOU SEE SOMETHING THAT
YOU DON'T KNOW, SINCE YOU THINK
YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
BRANDON: OH, MAN!
STEVE: COME ON, NOW.
BRANDON: WOW!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
MAN: YOU OK?
ALL RIGHT.
HEH! GIVE ME THIS HAND, TOO.
WOMAN: WHOO!
MAN: SURPRISE.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEISHA: YOU LIED TO ME. HA HA!
MAN: I'M HERE TODAY, ON NATIONAL
TELEVISION, IN FRONT OF ALL
THESE PEOPLE, ASKING YOU IF YOU
WOULD DO ME THE HONOR OF
LIGHTENING UP MY LIFE
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
STEVE: YEAH! YEAH!
MAN: YES. AND HERE WE GO.
STEVE: YEAH!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH!
MAN: YOU GOT TO GO WIN
SOME MONEY.
ALEISHA: I'M SUPPOSED TO PLAY
AFTER THIS?
MAN: YEAH, WE GOT TO--
STEVE: YEAH.
MAN: COME ON, NOW. WE GOT
A WEDDING TO PAY FOR.
STEVE: THAT WAS GOOD. RIGHT ON,
BROTHER. CONGRATULATIONS, MAN.
MAN: I APPRECIATE THIS, MAN.
STEVE: CONGRATULATIONS.
MAN: I APPRECIATE IT.
I GOT TO TAKE HER BACK TO THE
FAMILY RIGHT NOW.
STEVE: YEAH.
MAN: THEY GOT TO WIN
SOME MONEY, STEVE.
STEVE: YEAH. THERE YOU GO.
APPRECIATE YOU, MAN. NICE MOVE.
WAY TO BE A PLAYER, BOY. YEAH.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
