♪♪♪
♪♪♪
-Good evening, ladies.
Are these seats free?
-They are.
-What luck. Good evening.
I'm Adam Grossman.
I am currently 6 years old.
And this is my father,
Evan Grossman, age classified.
Like Heidi Klum,
my father is recently divorced.
Unlike Heidi Klum,
everything else.
-Nice to meet you.
-What a cute little boy.
-Cool your jets, sweetheart.
It will never work between us.
You're a mature woman,
and I'm this many.
-Don't bother
these nice ladies, Adam.
-Good evening.
-Ooh!
-Ooh!
-Good to see you, Sushin.
I love your showmanship,
but please be careful
with those knives.
You're giving me
flashbacks to my bris.
I don't know if I should clap or
cover my schmeckle.
I'm kidding, Sushin.
Mazel tov and arigato to you.
-How are you, Adam-san?
-I'm hanging in there by
a thread, Sushin.
My father's new girlfriend is
joining us tonight.
They met online.
Based on what I read off my
father's Jdate profile,
his hobbies include
"stretching the truth."
He described himself
as "outdoorsy."
Hilarious!
This is a man who
has to pop a Claritin
before he has to go into
the garage.
I'm kidding! Lighten up!
-Hello, Evan!
-Well, Debbie, that's a very
smart sweater.
-Whoa!
Did a hurricane of sexuality
just blow through here
or did Debbie Wasserstein just
enter the building?!
-Adam.
-You look lovely, Debbie.
And that perfume! Oh!
Let me guess --
Frown by Calvin Klein.
[ Rimshot ]
-Rimshot. But don't laugh too
hard, Sushin.
I've seen your wife.
Sushin's wife is so ugly, their
towels say "his" and "it's."
-Adam!
-What?!
Sushin loves it.
Look at his face!
Say, I am thirsty.
Who does a kid have to give
a Blow Pop to
to get a drink around here?
-Uh, good evening.
Welcome to Benihana.
-How are you, my man?
Real talk -- when I was 3,
I cried every time
I saw a black fella.
I wasn't racist.
I just didn't know how to
process things.
But now I'm 6
and I'm hip to your plight.
You are my brother.
[ As Sammy Davis Jr. ] And I
think this cuckoo thing
you're doing is fabulous, babe.
Who knows who that was?
It was Sammy Davis Jr.!
Anybody? They don't know!
I don't know! Who knows?
I'm 6!
-Well, can I take
your drink order?
-Let's do a round
of sake bombs, my man!
I'm joking. I'm 6.
But I do want
to celebrate the fact
that I swam the length of the
pool without floaties today.
I just put my head down,
remembered to breathe,
and pretended Debbie
was chasing me.
There's that
million-dollar smile!
-Adam, Adam, it is rude to talk
about Debbie like that.
-Alright, alright.
Then let's talk about
what I found in
your medicine cabinet -- Viagra!
Don't look at me like that.
I'm gonna snoop! I'm 6!
I was just looking for a
Flintstones Chewable
to get me through a
tough Wednesday,
and I took a shvantz pill
by accident.
Let's just say it made
for an interesting day
at Hebrew school.
My desk was a foot
higher than everyone else's.
The Torah kept
sliding onto my lap.
Everything was not kosher.
[ Rimshot ]
-I'm 6!
Sushin, any chance I can maybe
eat before I'm 7?
-Pepper steak?
-Thank you, Sushin, sweetheart.
-Pepper steak?
-No, thank you.
-Just because you put it in
Debbie's face
doesn't mean
she'll put it in her mouth.
Dad knows.
-Adam.
-Oh! All I'm saying is -- I hope
this bar has an escalator,
because that's the only thing
Debbie goes down on.
If you think that joke
is immature, it is.
So am I! I'm 6!
-She makes me happy, Adam.
-And that makes me happy.
You're my Dad.
I love you more than anything.
And, Debbie -- she's a mensch,
and I love her, too!
-And I love you, Adam.
-Your voice is so sexy.
I can't believe my dad
has to take a pill.
Well, I've had so many
Shirley Temples,
I feel like
she's dancing on my bladder.
Dad, care to escort
me to the bathroom?
-You're old enough to go
on your own, Adam.
-Do you not watch the news?
There are strangers out there
who want to grab my tuchus.
-Okay, okay.
-Besides, you're my best friend.
You can't blame me for wanting
to spend time with you.
Hold my little boy hands!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Excuse me.
Are these seats free?
-They are.
-Good evening, ladies.
My name is Adam Grossman.
I'm 6 years old.
And this ball of charisma
to my left is
Dr. Debbie Wasserstein,
my stepmother.
On the day she married my
father, she told me,
"You don't have to call me mom,"
to which I replied,
"You don't have to
call me ever."
I'm joking! I'm 6!
-Well, it's very nice
to meet you.
-I'll file that under
"unconvincing."
-Hello, Adam.
-Hello, angel.
-Can I get you
something to drink?
-I'll have a Dewar's and soda.
I'm kidding! I'm 6 years old!
-He'll have an apple juice,
and I'll have a white wine.
-Fun fact --
"I'll have a white wine"
is the closest thing that
Debbie has to a catchphrase.
Debbie, relax! I'm joking!
You're so uptight!
So, what do you ladies
do for a living?
-We're paralegals.
-Well, if you ask me,
you're a pair-a-knockouts.
Debbie, relax! It's flirty.
It's fun. I'm 6.
-Adam, please.
-This one, always with the
"Adam, please."
Spend enough time with Debbie,
and you'll think
my last name is Please.
But it's not. It's Grossman.
And, you know, you may know
me from such hits as
standing at the sideline
at soccer practice,
falling asleep in
the back seat of cars,
or an almost-constant
fruit-punch mustache.
-Okay, Adam, these ladies didn't
come to talk to you, okay?
-Uh, this is Benihana.
It's a communal table.
If they wanted privacy,
they could have gone to --
oh, I don't know --
any other restaurant.
I'm joking! I'm 6.
-Okay, Adam, remember our
talk about boundaries?
-You'll have to excuse Debbie.
She's a child psychologist,
and I am, as it were,
her white whale.
I'm even featured in her latest
book, "My Stepson, the Burden,"
though she changed the name
to "Eric."
Don't think I don't know,
Debbie.
-Well, I think it's nice that
you and your stepmother
spend so much time together.
-Debbie didn't have
much say in this one,
as my father
is on a business trip.
I hope that's not code for
"mistress vacation."
I'm joking!
Besides, why would a man stray
when he has Debbie at home?
Cue eye roll!
I'm writing a book about Debbie
and my father's sex life.
It's called "One Shade of Gray."
I don't even get that reference.
I'm 6.
-Hello, Adam-san.
-Ah! This is Katsuko, the first
lady chef at this Benihana.
Let's here it for
Obama's America.
I'm joking, Katsuko.
Arigato and mazel tov.
-Here are your drinks.
-Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
And here is something
for your trouble.
-Oh, it's a quarter.
-Hey, it's nothing to
shake a stick at, toots.
I lost a tooth for that.
So, ladies, what's the occasion?
-Oh, my friend and her boyfriend
just broke up,
so I'm cheering her up.
-Ah! I myself am no stranger
to heartache.
At recess last week, I showed my
tuchus to one Jenny Finkel,
and she was, as they say,
not having it.
At least I have my turtle
to keep me company.
Do you ladies like turtles?
-Um, sure.
What's your turtle's name?
-Shell Silverstein.
If you're 6,
that joke is hilarious.
-Oh! Here we go.
-You'll have to forgive me if I
don't share in your excitement.
When I see a woman with knives,
I want to say, "Honey, please.
She meant nothing to me."
Does the name John Wayne Bobbitt
ring a bell?
It doesn't for me because
it happened before I was born.
I'm 6!
-Okay, Adam,
you're being very rude.
-Have you ladies laid your eyes
on the film "Frozen"?
Because it's based on
Debbie's demeanor.
I'm not saying Debbie is cold,
but the polar vortex told her
to take it down a notch.
-Okay, that is inappropriate.
-No, inappropriate is
you listening
to NPR on the drive over.
Now my nightmares will take
place in Syria
and star Terry Gross.
And, hey, all things considered,
maybe consider a kid
is listening and throw in
a train whistle
every once in a while to
hold my interest.
-If you don't start
behaving yourself,
I'm gonna take you home to bed.
-First, you got to take me
to the bathroom,
'cause I cannot go alone.
Ever since the babysitter let me
see the movie "Taken,"
I've had an irrational fear
of abductions.
And suffice to say,
Debbie is no Liam Neeson.
-Well, if a kidnapper takes you,
they have my sympathy.
-Debbie with a joke!
Debbie! What a little stinker!
All kidding aside, though, I am
the luckiest kid in the world.
Debbie looks out for me.
She cares about me.
I love her to death.
A Debbie smile?!
That's like seeing a yeti.
Alright, that's enough from me.
You've been a great audience.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Good evening, fellas.
Is this seat taken?
-Um, no.
-It's a pleasure to
join you both.
My name is Adam Grossman.
I'm 6 years young.
And this is my very lovely
and very single nanny,
Miss Lily.
And she must be from Jamaica
because she's making me go to
bed at 8:00 tonight!
But I understand the decision.
I'm 6!
-Hi. And I'm not from Jamaica.
-Well, it's very nice
to meet you.
My name's Jake,
and this is Tony.
-Well, well, well,
there's two of them, Lil!
I like your chances tonight.
As for me, it looks like
I'll be spending
another evening with my
right hand in a sock.
What?!
I'm making a sock puppet!
I'm 6 years old!
-Let's just calm down, Adam.
-I'm only joking! Sheesh!
Talk about a wet blankie.
I love you to death,
but sometimes,
you're about as fun as
apple slices for dessert.
I'm kidding.
She's good people.
We've spend a lot of time
with each other
since my parents ivorced-day.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
-Oh! Don't feel bad for me.
I'm getting every kid's dream --
two Hanukkahs.
-Oh, wow.
-Can I get you
folks something to drink?
-A cup of Joe for me,
sweetheart, please.
And I like my coffee like
I like my nannies --
black and bitter.
I'm kidding! I'm 6!
I'll take a fruit punch, neat.
Always get your drink neat here.
They try and load you up on ice
so they can bone ya
on the punch.
It's a racket.
-I'll have a glass of wine,
please.
-You bet.
-Okay, so I guess
I'm driving home!
I'm joking!
Everything's irie, mon!
Drink all of the Red Stripe
you want.
-I am not from Jamaica.
-♪ I shot the sheriff ♪
♪ But me do not
shoot the dep-- ♪
You're giving me nothing here!
It feels like pullin' teeth
without a string!
How about some chef tricks?
That'll lighten the mood.
Where's Sushin?
-Hey, I'm sorry, little guy.
Sushin's not working tonight,
due to he got fired
for stealing beef,
but Gail has got you covered.
-Woof!
Uh, no offense, Gail, but I
haven't been this disappointed
since I found out there is
a Santa Claus
and he wants
nothing to do with me!
I guess we'll have to settle
for small talk.
So, uh, you two fellas
celebratin' something?
-Well, actually, yes.
-We both just got engaged.
-Oh! Mazel!
Here's some marriage advice for
you -- don't do it!
I'm kidding. I'm 6!
What do I know?
You're both obviously
a lot older than me.
What are you? 11, 12?
-I'm 37.
-Wow. So, I guess my next
question is --
what was Moses really like?
I'm teasin'!
Hey, at least you're not
as old as Lily here.
You know her
Social Security Number is 2?
-Lord, help me.
-No, really.
Lily's so old
that in history class,
she just wrote down
what she was doing!
-Okay, Adam.
-She's old.
-Okay, Adam, let's just
let the nice men
enjoy their dinner, okay?
-♪ One love! ♪
♪ One heart ♪
I'm kidding!
Anyway, mazel on your
engagement.
I'm sure you're both marrying
two very lovely women.
L'chaim.
-Well, actually, we're getting
married to each other.
-Okay!
Record scratch.
You're doing what now?
-Um, I'm sorry.
He's probably just
a little confused.
-Unh!
More like my mind
is completely frickin' blown!
Two buddies getting
married to each other?
That's genius!
Wait till Eli hears about this.
He's my best friend.
We've been play-dating for
years, and I love him dearly.
Look, he's 3'5",
he's got four teeth,
he's got the stickiest hands
I've ever seen,
but what can I say?
I like to fix people.
-Aww. That's so cute.
-Now, I got to ask --
who proposes to who?
Because I'm a top,
and Eli's a bottom.
-Adam!
-Whoa!
I meant bunk beds!
I'm 6!
I don't even understand that
double entendre!
-Okay, maybe we should explain.
-Hold that thought.
I want to hear everything,
but, unfortunately, right now,
I have to make bumps.
And, Lily, your rings off
this time,
in case you got to fish one
loose again.
-Would you believe that
I have a four-year degree?
-I have no idea
what that means, but...
♪ Redemption song ♪
♪ It is a song ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
