(door opens)
*How are you recording this if you're not in the room?*
(door closes)
*Did you have someone press the record button that's already in the room?*
(Chris pulls out his chair)
*Why not just record yourself as you're in your desk? This channel become less sensible every day*
(Chris exhales heavily after sitting down)
Now that I've had a piss,
let's start with the next season, shall we?
*I wonder what it's gonna be!*
*Really? Why not '97 or '86? There are better seasons to review*
A year in which
NOTHING happened.
*Not even Britney Spears releasing a diamond album?*
Just joking.
*Also, Destiny's Child released "The Writing's On The Wall" that year*
It's a year in which TV shows start to become less and less funny,
and Formula 1…
*F1 isn't meant to be funny though*
hopefully more exciting.
*Also SpongeBob first aired in 1999, so checkmate, Chris!*
Will we get the same treatment we did back in 1998?
*WE'D BETTER DAMN WELL NOT! I HATE SEEING MCLARENS WIN!*
Well,
the only way we can find out is if I shut the fuck up and start reviewing the gODDAMN SEASON!
("Thunderbirds" theme plays)
(beep) *WOAH, what's this composition called?*
As usual, the season sets off in Australia,
halfway across the world from ANYWHERE.
*Not New Zealand*
Just like last year, it's Mika Hakkinen in pole position and David Coulthard in 2nd.
*I thought this season was supposed to be different*
Let's hope that this year's Grand Prix will have
JUST as much action as last year's did.
So, here we are!
For the first time in 1999…
*OOH, I'M SO EXCITED!*
and the start is aborted.
*As if the conservative F1 fans weren't already pissed off, now this abortion's gonna start an angry mob*
Both the Stewarts have engine problems on the grid,
*An F1 alumnus-founded team having issues?*
causing a restart.
*I SWEAR this has never happened before!*
And as the second formation lap starts,
Michael Schumacher and David Coulthard both have problems.
*Shouldn't this sort of thing be sorted out between testing and the Australian Grand Prix?*
And they both have to start at the bottom of the grid.
*Better than starting from the pitlane, at least*
And Rubens Barrichello is NOT happy.
*It's gonna get worse as the years progress*
It's funny;
Barrichello has been in Formula 1 for about 6 years and he's not had a chance of showing his potential.
*I wonder if that's gonna change anytime soon*
Let's hope it doesn't go to waste.
*You mean like Jean Alesi?*
Also,
that guy has some super cool trousers.
So here we are again for the start of the 1999 Australian Grand Prix!
Hakkinen and Coulthard have INCREDIBLE starts and Schumacher has a lot of making up to do.
*Did he stall his engine on the grid? Goddammit*
Schumacher does NOT want a repeat of Suzuka last year.
*Neither do I*
As the field go halfway through the first lap,
Damon Hill in the Jordan spins out!
*What a depressing mark for a world champion*
The 1996 world champion has not had many good days.
*I mean, how do you expect the life of someone whose dad died while they were young to play out?*
Ever since he won the world championship he's never been the same.
*He should've picked the smart decision to retire while he was ahead, just like Nico Rosberg*
*Unless you're Schumacher or Fangio, your career just goes downhill after winning a championship*
(beep)
There's a big accident on the 13th lap.
*Eh, could've been worse*
Jacques Villeneuve crashes his slightly-less-shitty-looking Williams.
*I mean… that's ONE way of describing the BAR*
What a shame.
*It's only gonna get worse as the years go on*
Williams have not been looking their best recently; I hope they can turn their act around somehow.
(beep) *Williams have nothing to do with BAR, you knobhead*
Meanwhile, Coulthard goes out!
*That's karma for Spa, you Scottish dipshit*
I can't tell you why, 'cause I'm too fucking lazy to even research more than the race than I've already done,
so yeah, no f- no funny jokes. Sorry.
(beep)
3 laps later, the race is green-flagged, but Mika Hakkinen cannot get started!
*YES!*
And consequently lets the rest of the field go straight past him and he also lets Eddie Irvine take 1st place!
*Has Eddie ever lead a race before?*
Holy shit, this is incredible!
*I wish McLaren have as many technical gremlins this season as they're having now :D*
I never thought an Irish person,
let alone Eddie Irvine could take 1st place away from the defending world champion.
*Well, Northern Ireland, technically, but same diff, I suppose*
It seems like there's something wrong.
Hakkinen does not seem to be going any faster, could it be an engine problem?
*I'd be elated if it was*
What is this? It's taking REALLY long for him-
to make a pitstop.
It's probably, like, the fastest it-
pitstop they'd done in like 11 years.
(beep)
There's another crash!
*What is it with CART champions running out of talent today?*
Alex Zanardi crashes while trying to avoid a crash.
*I wonder if something similar's gonna happen in about 2.5 years*
*Too soon?*
No, I'm not kidding when I say that.
*Prove it*
He tries his best to stop himself from hitting the wall,
*To be fair, he did an okay job of avoiding it*
and then he ends up…
hitting the other wall on the other side of the track.
*Well it's a street track, what do you expect?*
How unlucky are- i-
how unlucky do you have to be? (beep)
From here on, it was plain sailing for Eddie Irvine,
who takes his first ever win in Formula 1,
and takes…
the early lead in the world championship.
*Thank you for the car failures, McLaren!*
Oh man, this is gonna be an exciting season.
*Hopefully it'll end with Ferrari winning everything instead of McLaren*
("Perpetual Change" by Yes plays in a pitched key to dodge copyright)
("Perpetual Change" fades out along with the video)
*Well, this creepy outro hasn't been missed*
