YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME
OVER THERE EVERY NIGHT,
CAREFULLY KNEADING AND
STRETCHING THE NEWS INTO AN
ARTISANAL, HAND-TOSSED
MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO GATHER
UP ALL THE SCRAPS OF DOUGH AND
LEFTOVER FLOUR LUMPS, CRUMBLE
THEM UP AND THROW TH'EM ON TOP
OF WHATEVER ALMOST EXPIRED FRUIT
I HAVE LYING AROUND, THROW SOME
EGG WASH ON THERE AND POP IT IN
THE OVEN AT 350 FOR ABOUT 35
MINUTES, TO MAKE THE CRISPY
COBBLER OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT:
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DELICIOUS AND NUTRITIOUS.
"MEANWHILE."
MEANWHILE, KIM KARDASHIAN HAS
DEBUTED A NEW LINE OF BODY
MAKE-UP.
AND SHE HYPED IT UP BY TWEETING
THIS VIDEO OF GLOOP BEING
LABORIOUSLY TROWELED INTO HER
SKIN.
PERFECT FOR ANYONE WITH A JOB
WHERE YOU DON'T WEAR PANTS... OR
TOUCH ANY FURNITURE.
KIM'S BODY MAKEUP RAISES A LOT
OF QUESTIONS.
MAINLY, DOES IT COME WITH THIS
MANSERVANT WHO DOES THE
APPLICATION FOR YOU?
"OH, JEFFRIES, DON'T FORGET THE
BACK OF MY KNEES AND MY
UNDER-BUTT!"
BUT TELLING WOMEN THAT DOING
THEIR FACE ISN'T ENOUGH, NOW
THEY NEED TO SLATHER THEIR
WHOLE BODIES, IS A LITTLE HARSH.
THERE'S NO WAY PEOPLE ARE GOING
TO FALL FOR-- AND IT'S ALREADY
COMPLETELY SOLD OUT.
WHICH IS WHY KIM KARDASHIAN HAS
ALSO RELEASED BODY MAKEUP FOR
YOUR INSIDES.
THIS ORGAN-PERFECTING FOUNDATION
GOES DOWN EASY.
THE APPLICICATOR BRUSH, A LITTLE
HARD TO SWALLOW.
AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK,
THERE'S ANOTHER BROWN LIQUID I
POUR INSIDE MY BODY TO FEEL
MORE ATTRACTIVE.
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'LL TELL YOU, JUST TWO OR THREE
APPLICATIONS, AND I'D TAKE ME
HOME.
 ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, IN TV NEWS, "MORE
THAN 20,000 CHRISTIANS HAVE
SIGNED A PETITION CALLING FOR
THE CANCELLATION OF THE TV SHOW
'GOOD OMENS.'"
THE PROBLEM IS THEY SENT IT TO
NETFLIX, BUT THE SHOW IS ON
AMAZON PRIME.
THEY HAVE ALSO DEMANDED THAT
ABC CANCEL, "THE CBS EVENING
NEWS."
"GOOD OMENS" IS ABOUT A DEVIL
AND AN ANGEL TEAMING UP TO SAVE
THE WORLD.
PETITIONERS CLAIM THE SHOW
"MAKES SATANISM APPEAR NORMAL,
LIGHT AND ACCEPTABLE," "MOCKS
GOD'S WISDOM," AND AREN'T HAPPY
THAT GOD IS "VOICED BY A WOMAN,"
FRANCES McDORMAND.
WELL, OKAY, THAT'S WHERE THEY'RE
WRONG.
GOD ISN'T VOICED BY FRANCES
McDORMAND.
GOD IS FRANCES McDORMAND.
 ( APPLAUSE )
AS IT SAYS IN THE FAMOUS POEM,
"WHEN YOU SAW ONLY ONE SET OF
FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND, IT WAS
THEN THAT I WAS ON THE SET
SHOOTING 'FARGO.'"
MEANWHILE, IN BOOZE YOU CAN USE
NEWS, "DAVE MATTHEWS, WHO'S HAD
HIS OWN LINE OF WINES FOR YEARS
NOW, RECENTLY UNVEILED THE NEW
ADDITION OF A CALIFORNIA ROSEÉ."
ACCORDING TO MATTHEWS, IT'S A
"WAKING UP WINE," A ROSEÉ SO
"DELICIOUS" THAT PEOPLE SHOULD
"GET OUT OF BED AND DRINK" IT.
 ( APPLAUSE )
SHOULD THEY, THOUGH?
BECAUSE DRINKING FIRST THING IN
THE MORNING MEANS ONE OF TWO
THINGS: YOU'RE A 26-YEAR-OLD AT
BRUNCH, OR WE'RE A HALF AN HOUR
INTO DAVE MATTHEWS' EPISODE OF
"BEHIND THE MUSIC."
