Hello. I'm The ASMR Psychologist. Welcome
to my new Whispered Reading series: Self-help
books.
And I'm going to start with my favourite self-help
book, it's called, 'Reinventing Your Life',
and it's by a couple of American psychologists,
Jeff Young and Janet Klosko.
And this book is based on a therapy technique
called Schema-Focused CBT. Now, you might
have heard of CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy,
it's a talking therapy that is very effective
for treating depression, and anxiety, and
OCD, PTSD, eating disorders—many, many problems.
But, CBT really just helps you to deal with
your symptoms on a day-to-day basis. Schema-Focused
CBT is, kind of, an extended version of CBT
that helps you to tackle the factors that
have made you vulnerable to developing your
symptoms of depression, anxiety—whatever
it is—in the first place. So, it helps you
to future-proof any changes that you make
in your CBT. So, I would always recommend
to people that this is, kind of, a second-phase
therapy.
Now, sometimes we do need a little extra help
from somebody specifically trained when we
are working on these issues. But, I think
there's a lot to be gained from self-help
books, particularly this one, and I think
it can give you an idea of what work you still
need to do, and get you well on the road to
achieving your goals.
Okay, so, I'm going to be sharing this book
with you. And I'm going to be sharing it with
you in an ASMR whisper. And, for those of
you who aren't used to watching my videos,
that's because ASMR whispering induces a state,
a little like REM sleep, and, in this state,
our mind is primed for learning. So, listening
to this information whilst in that state is
going to mean that you're more likely to be
able to take this information and use it.
Okay, so, let's begin.
Maybe I should say as well, this is actually
quite an old book now, I think it was first
published in May 1994. And, I think that just
shows what a good book it is because most
of the psychologists that I know still use
this as probably their core text that they
recommend to their patients.
Okay.
Quite a long preface—I won't read that to you.
Okay, Chapter 1, 'Lifetraps'.
Are you repeatedly drawn into relationships
with people who are cold to you?
Do you feel that even the people closest to
you do not care or understand about you?
Do you feel that you are at your core somehow
defective, that nobody who truly knows you
could possibly love and accept you?
Do you put the needs of others above your
own, so your needs never get met—and so
you do not even know what your real needs
are?
Do you fear that something bad will happen
to you, so that even a mild sore throat sets
off a dread of more dire disease?
Do you find that, regardless of how much public
acclaim or social approval you receive, you
still feel unhappy, unfulfilled, or undeserving?
We call these patterns lifetraps. In this
book, we will describe the 11 most common
lifetraps and will show you how to recognise
them, how to understand their origins, and
how to change them.
—Okay.—
A lifetrap is a pattern that starts in childhood
and reverberates throughout life. It began
with something that was done to us by our
families or by other children. We were abandoned,
criticised, overprotected, abused, excluded,
or deprived—we were damaged in some way.
Eventually, the lifetrap becomes part of us.
Long after we leave the home we grew up in,
we continue to create situations in which
we were mistreated, ignored, put down, or
controlled, and in which we fail to reach
our most desired goals. Lifetraps determine
how we think, feel, act, and relate to others.
They trigger strong feelings such as anger,
sadness, and anxiety. Even when we appear
to have everything—social status, an ideal
marriage, the respect of people close to us,
career success—we are often unable to savour
life or believe in our accomplishments.
—Here's an example.—
Jed: A 39-year-old stockbroker who is extremely
successful. He conquers women, but never really
connects with them. Jed is caught in the emotional
deprivation lifetrap.
When we were developing the lifetraps approach,
we began treating an intriguing patient called
Jed. Jed perfectly illustrates the self-defeating
nature of lifetraps.
Jed goes from one woman to another, insisting
that none of the women he meets can satisfy
him. Eventually, each one disappoints him.
The closest Jed comes to intimate relationships
is infatuation with women who sexually excite
him. The problem is that these relationships
never last. Jed does not connect with women.
He conquers them. The point at which he loses
interest is exactly the point at which he
has 'won'. The woman starts to fall in love
with him.
—This is Jed speaking now.—
'It really turns me off when a woman is clingy.
When she starts hanging all over me, especially
in public, I just want to run.'
Jed struggles with loneliness. He feels empty
and bored. There is an empty hole inside—and
he restlessly searches for the woman who will
fill him up. Jed believes he will never find
this woman. He feels that he has always been
alone and will always be alone. As a child,
Jed felt this same aching loneliness. He never
knew his father, and his mother was cold and
unemotional. Neither of them met his emotional
needs. He grew up emotionally deprived, and
continues to recreate this state of detachment
as an adult. For years Jed inadvertently repeated
this pattern with therapists, drifting from
one to another. Each therapist initially gave
him hope, yet ultimately disappointed him.
He never really connected with his therapists;
he always found some fatal flaw that, in his
mind, justified terminating therapy. Each
therapy experience confirmed that his life
had not changed, and he felt even more alone.
Many of Jed’s therapists were warm and empathic.
This was not the problem. The problem was
that Jed always found some excuse to avoid
the intimacy with which he was so unfamiliar
and uncomfortable. Emotional support from
a therapist was essential, but not enough.
His therapists did not confront his self-destructive
patterns often or forcefully enough. For Jed
to escape his emotional deprivation lifetrap,
he had to stop finding fault with the women
he met and begin to take responsibility for
fighting his own discomfort about getting
close to people and accepting their nurturance.
When Jed finally came to us for treatment,
we challenged him over and over again, trying
to chip away at his lifetrap each time it
reasserted itself. It was important to show
him that we were genuinely sympathetic with
how uncomfortable it felt for him to get close
to anyone, in light of his extremely icy parents.
Nevertheless, whenever he insisted that Wendy
was not beautiful enough, Isabel was not brilliant
enough, or Melissa was just not right for
him, we pushed him to see that he was falling
into his lifetrap again, finding fault with
others to avoid feeling warmth. After a year
of this empathic confrontation, balancing
emotional support and confrontation, we were
finally able to see significant change.
He is now engaged to Nicole,
a warm and loving woman.
—This is Jed speaking again.—
'My previous therapists were really understanding,
and I got a lot of insight into my grim childhood,
but none of them really pushed me to change.
It was just too easy to fall back into my
old familiar patterns. This approach was different.
I finally took some responsibility for making
a relationship work. I didn’t want my relationship
with Nicole to be another failure, and I felt
like this was it for me. Although I could
see that Nicole wasn’t perfect, I finally
decided that either I would have to connect
with someone or resign myself to being alone
forever.'
The lifetrap approach involves continually
confronting ourselves. We will teach you how
to track your lifetraps as they play themselves
out in your life, and how to counter them
repeatedly until these patterns loosen their
grip on you.
Okay, I'm going to leave it there for today,
because I think there's quite a lot of information
for you to turn over in your mind, and I will
continue reading this book to you in a couple
of days.
If you enjoyed this new series and you would
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Okay, but, in the meantime, thank you for
listening.
Enjoy the rest of your day,
and, hopefully, I will see you really soon.
