[MUSIC PLAYING]
[APPLAUSE]
ANDREW HORN: Hey, Google.
Can you guys hear me?
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
ANDREW HORN: We're on.
Rock and roll.
Hi, guys.
Welcome.
Awesome.
So as you can see, we're here
to talk about human connection
in the digital age.
Thank you guys for taking
the time to be here.
So I want to start by thanking
you all, because being
at Google, I know
that you could be
getting a massage for free,
lunch for free, haircut
for free.
A lot of other things,
but you're here with me,
and that makes me happy.
And so what I want to promise
you before we dig in today
is that we're not just going
to talk about human connection.
We're actually going
to talk about how
to connect in a digital age.
And so my goal is that
you guys walk out of here
with tangible
techniques that you
can use to connect with
the people you want
and the people that
you want to know.
How's that sound?
AUDIENCE: Good.
AUDIENCE: Great.
ANDREW HORN: Rock and roll.
So you guys, before
we dig in, this talk
is going to be broken up
into three specific sections.
So stories about how I was
able to take this deep yearning
for connections, curiosity
about relationships,
turn it into this business
that has helped 100,000
people to give what we think
is the most meaningful gift
in the world.
We're going to talk about stats.
How do strong social ties and
relationships affect our brains
and affect our bodies?
And we're going to talk
about tangible takeaways.
So how we can actually
communicate to connect.
So those are those
three components.
And before we start, it's always
nice to actually establish,
what is human connection?
And my favorite definition
is this one by Brene Brown.
"I define connection as energy
that exists between people when
they feel seen, and
heard, and valued;
and when they can give and
receive without judgment;
and when they derive
strength and sustenance
from the relationship."
A beautiful articulation
of that energy
that exists between two
people when we feel connected.
And at Tribute, we've actually
broken that down even further.
So we've created
a construct that
can allow people to evaluate the
depth of their relationships,
that which they have an
abundance of, that which
they're really seeking.
And we call that AVS.
So AVS is a mutual feeling
of A, appreciation,
mutual recognition
of the other person.
Do you see that person?
Do you appreciate who they are?
Needs to exist for
human connection.
Second, vulnerability.
Can I be honest
with this person?
Can I be truthful
with this person?
Can I be fully myself
with this person?
Vulnerability is the
bridge to connection.
Next is support, and
support's a beautiful thing.
And the way you think about
it in human connection
is a natural call to
support and be supported.
And so these are
the three components
that we can break down when
human connection truly exists.
An easy way to evaluate
your friendships, as well as
those new relationships
that you're adding depth to.
That's our definition
of human connection.
So we all know that
human connection
is important to experience,
to have fun, to magnify joy.
But I also want to introduce
you to why we should really
care about our social
ties, our relationships.
And to do that, I'm going
to introduce you to a guy
named Dr. Robert Waldinger.
So Dr. Waldinger did the
longest study on happiness
in our history.
It's a 75-year longitudinal
study of 750 people.
When they released his research,
he gave this famous TED Talk.
And also, as I was perusing
through the results
of that research,
there was one statement
that they literally
highlighted and bolded
to emphasize its importance.
And that statement was this.
"The clearest message
we got from this study
is that good relationships
keep us happier and healthier.
Period.
Good relationships keep
us happier and healthier.
Period."
So from this research,
we can assume
that strong social ties,
investing in our relationships,
is probably the smartest
investment we can
make in our overall happiness.
But it goes beyond
just happiness.
What about our health?
What about our brains?
What about our bodies?
So recent research
also shows, people
who have strong social
ties, the medical term
to connotate relationships,
have longer lives, stronger
immune systems, literally higher
levels of white blood cells
to fight off disease, lower
levels of stress and anxiety,
and they're less likely
to dive into bad habits
like smoking or drinking.
An alarming study I
recently ran into said this.
Having weak social ties is
as harmful to ongoing health
as being an alcoholic and
twice as harmful as obesity."
So again, when we
have weak social ties,
it's not just a detriment
to our happiness.
It's a detriment to our health
and our mental well-being.
So it's something that
we need to care about.
And so now I want to tell you
guys a little bit about how
I got into this
line of work, how
I was able to study
human connection,
start businesses that are
bolstering relationships
and gratitude in the
world, and started
when I was 10 years old.
The first job I can remember
is selling these books
in a back of a room for my mom.
My mom's an eight-time
published author.
She talks about communication,
networking, articulating
the value of your ideas.
So this thread of
communicating to connect
was something that was ingrained
in me at a very young age.
And so one of the common
threads through my childhood
was sports.
It was how I connected,
playing basketball, football,
and lacrosse.
Right before I graduated,
I was enlightened
to the power of
adaptive athletics,
helping young people
with disabilities
to unite with their
peers through sports.
And that inspired
me to start dreams
for Kids DC, a community
that brought kids together
to play all these incredible
things you see up here.
Water skiing, outdoor
adventures, hockey, lacrosse.
Using sport as a facilitator
of human connection.
Then I got really
interested in tech,
and I started to look at
bigger problems affecting
the people with disabilities
in their community.
And so we built Ability
List, an online platform
that allows people
with disabilities
to share the resources they
know about and that they need.
So again, building community
with an online platform.
So this passion for
connection, this curiosity
about communication took a
step up to the next level
when I was 27 years old, and
it all started with a gift.
So my fiance Miki is in the
back of the room right now,
and on my 27th birthday,
she took me out
to dinner in Brooklyn
where we live.
We come back to our
apartment, and I'll always
remember that I swing the
door open, thinking that we're
going to have a low-key night.
Then there's a silence.
And then three, two, one,
all these people jump out.
She had planned this
incredible surprise party.
So I'm hanging out with
all of our favorite people
in the apartment.
Halfway through the party,
Miki jumps up on a chair
and she yells, (YELLING)
everyone in the living room!
So everyone runs
into the living room.
She sits me right in
the back, and she had
rented this projection screen.
So she puts it up on the wall.
I have no idea what's going
on, and I would soon find out.
So Miki had taken
the time to reach out
to 25 of my closest friends
and all my family members.
She asked each one of them
to submit a one-minute video
telling me why they love me.
Even telling you this, I get
goosebumps over my entire body.
So as I sat there in
the back of the room,
these videos started to stream.
My best friend in New York
calling me his best friend
for the first time ever.
My brother telling
me how grateful
he is that we're
finally friends again.
My mom telling me how
proud of me she is.
And that was about
the moment that--
what Alan Watts would call tears
of wonder joy started to flow.
Not even a cute little cry, but
like a big, ugly, like, massive
drops coming down.
One of those cries.
And I did that for the
next 20 minutes straight.
So I remember when it
stopped, the first thought
I had in my head was, wow.
I just watched my
eulogy at 27, which
is a much better time to watch
your eulogy, in my opinion.
So I needed a break, and I
walked over to the next room,
and I just looked
at Miki, and I said,
that was the best gift
I've ever received.
And I said, how did you do it?
And she just looks back
at me and she says,
well, it was terrible.
[LAUGHTER]
And so she says
again, it was hundreds
of emails to remind people
to submit their videos,
collecting files through
Dropbox, drive, text message.
And last but not least, editing
everything together in iMovie.
So it took her about 15 hours.
It was then and there, I had
this innate understanding
of the power of this gift.
And I realized the
only reason more people
didn't get it was because of
how difficult it was to create.
So then and there,
Tribute was born.
And so Tribute is
our website that
automates the
process of building
one of these gratitude-filled
video montages.
It automates the process
of inviting your friends,
of collecting videos.
And we built the first web-based
collaborative video editor
to easily put these
things together.
And it started as
a simple mission
to share that joy, those
tears of wonder joy
that I felt in the back of
the room with the world.
And the last two years
have been really fun.
So over 50,000 tributes in 40
countries around the world.
Yep, that's Regis, checking
us out on "The Today Show."
That was appearance number
two, which was very fun.
But most importantly,
what we're most excited
about is that we feel
that we're deeply
ingrained in this digital
intimacy movement.
It's that we are on
a mission to leverage
the power of video to spread
gratitude and human connection
in the world.
It's, how can we
build technology
that adds significant
value to our users'
offline relationships?
And we think that this
is not only something
that we are personally
passionate about, but something
that is incredibly
relevant right now.
Because as a society,
we are more connected
than we have ever
been, and we are
quantifiably lonelier
than we have ever
been at the same time.
In 1980, AARP ran a study
of their entire membership,
the Association for
Retired Persons.
In 1980, the number of people
who identified as lonely
was 20%.
That's a lot.
They did that same
study in 2010,
and the number had
doubled to 40%.
40% of their entire
membership identifying
as lonely, at the same time
when they were identifying
more connections and
more acquaintances
than they were in 1980.
So next, an even
more alarming study
talking about in 1985, the
"American Sociological Review"
did a study.
And what they found
was that in 1985,
the average person
had three confidantes,
three people that they
could confide in, that they
considered close friends.
When they redid
that study in 2004,
that number dropped from a
three to one close confidant,
to one close friend.
And to put it in even
more perspective,
of the people that
they surveyed, 25%
said that they didn't
have one person
that they could confide in.
25% are saying that
they essentially
don't have one person they
consider a close friend,
and that matters.
We just talked about what
happiness-- or excuse
me-- what relationships
do for our happiness, what
it does for our health.
When people don't
feel they belong,
they'll do crazy
things to fit in.
So this is a human
connection crisis.
This is something that
matters, something that
deserves to be looked into.
So what's the role
of technology?
Here at Google as an
entrepreneur, as a designer,
how can we think about
tech's role in this?
And when we first started
seeing social media explode
onto the scene, there
were a lot of surveys
that correlated
loneliness and depression
with increased exposure
to social media networks.
More research coming
out today actually
has conflicting reports,
whether it's actually
lonely people,
depressed people who
spend more time on social
media and on the internet.
And so I want to
move beyond that,
and I want to focus on one thing
that the research does back up,
and that is that we get
out of the internet,
we get out of social
media what we put into it.
And the clearest example
I can leave for you
guys is that if you're on
Facebook, if you're browsing
your friends'
profiles passively,
if you're taking what we
call the one-click actions
attribute, if you're
just liking a photo,
if you're sending one on your
friend's birthday to trigger
that birthday message
that both of you know
took no thought, no
effort, you are not
adding to your social capital.
You're going to
leave that experience
feeling more isolated.
But if you're going
onto these platforms,
if you are composing messages,
if you are being thoughtful,
sending authentic
birthday messages,
sharing the articles
that you're discovering,
then you are going to leave
those experiences more
connected.
So at Tribute, what we think
about our design ethos is, what
are the human values of the
people that are using Tribute,
as opposed to the traditional
KPIs of a tech product
of virality, of interactions,
of growth, of revenue?
How do we quantify the
values of our users?
And that's why we
have metrics like TOJ,
which literally tracks
the number of recipients
who cried tears of joy.
And guess what that
number is today?
80%.
80% of those 50,000 reported the
recipient crying tears of joy,
quantifying the
number of people who
said I love you in their
videos, quantifying
the percentage of people
who feel more connected
after giving their tribute.
So we move from things
like more interaction to,
what is a meaningful interaction
quantified by our users?
Looking at ease and focusing
more on thoughtfulness.
What is a thoughtful
interaction for our user?
And looking at more connections,
the number of invitees,
the number of friends, and
actually understanding,
what does a deep
relationship look like?
And how can we move towards
those relationships?
And so if we
understand that we need
to help people make these
thoughtful, thoughtful
decisions for themselves,
that's the role of technology.
That's what we can do to
help people as technologists,
as designers, as entrepreneurs.
And so at Tribute,
we really believe
in the power of communication,
the power of communication
to help us connect.
And like I promised in
the beginning of the talk,
I really do want to
help you guys walk away
from today with
tangible techniques,
things that you can use
in everyday interactions
with friends, family, networking
events, everything you've got.
So the first thing
we want to talk about
is sharing gratitude.
Sharing gratitude may seem
like a simple thing in theory,
but as we talked about
when we defined connection,
appreciation is that
first cornerstone
of meaningful connection,
And appreciation is
powerful for a few reasons.
Number one, it
allows the recipient
to see those qualities in
themselves that they sometimes
may deny.
Second, it reinforces
those feelings
of appreciation and
gratitude that we
have for that other person.
So it's literally like a
mini gratitude meditation
when you actually say and
articulate your gratitude
out loud.
And third and most
beautifully is
when we share a
compliment with someone--
and recent research
backs this up--
they're not only more likely
to reciprocate with us,
but they're more
likely to give someone
a compliment in your
local community.
So it creates this beautiful
chain reaction of gratitude
every time we tell someone
why we appreciate them.
And so now I want
to introduce you
to a few of our favorite
sharing gratitude techniques.
And so the first
is not, I love you.
The first is, I
love you, because.
And one thing that
we should understand
is that it is not our
articulation or sentiment
of affection that
impacts the recipient.
So when I walk out
the door, it's not,
I love you, Miki, that
truly impacts her.
It's, I love you, Miki,
because you inspire me,
and you support me as
much as anyone I know.
It's not saying, thank
you to your coworker.
It's saying, thank you.
I was going through
a really tough week,
and this really helped me out.
It's when we go beyond that
simple sentiment of affection
that the recipient truly feels
the meaning, the intention
of what we want to express.
It's that simple transition
of, I love you to, I
love you, because.
Use that one word and
watch how it transforms
the way that you communicate.
The next is the idea of
the power of the prompt.
And I was just talking about
with Florian in the front row.
And it's the idea that
sharing our gratitude
can sometimes bring on
a little bit of anxiety.
We don't want to tell someone
how they've impacted our lives
or that we love them,
because we don't know
what they'll say back to us.
We don't know if
they'll reciprocate.
We don't know if we'll
make them uncomfortable.
And when we don't
know those things,
oftentimes, we don't
push our boundaries.
We just don't do it.
And so oftentimes, we
need these prompts.
We need to help
people by giving them
a question that helps
them to articulate
their appreciation for someone.
So the way that we do this on
Tribute is every campaign we do
is based around
prompt questions.
So it's not, what do
you love about Katya--
or sorry, it's not, send
Katya a birthday message.
It is, what do you
love about Katya?
It is, what's your
favorite memory with Katya?
How has Katya
impacted your life?
So prompt questions allow
you to unify the conversation
for an individual.
It automatically plants
an emotional sentiment
in someone's brain.
So if you ask
someone a question,
now they already
have this feeling,
as opposed to giving someone
an open slate and saying, film
a birthday video.
Tell them you're
grateful for them.
It's really when you provide
that context for creativity
that people are more comfortable
and compelled sharing.
So the challenge here would
be, the next time that you're
at a birthday dinner, or the
next time someone is taking off
or they just landed
a huge project,
be what we call a
conversation catalyst.
Be the person who stops
the dinner and says, hey.
We're all here for Heather.
Let's go around the table
and everyone tell her,
what's your favorite
thing about Heather?
Be a conversation
catalyst, and watch
how that unites your
group, your community,
and how impactful that
will be on the person
that you focus on.
Does that make sense?
Awesome.
So the next one is
another simple one,
and it's the idea
of being nice first.
It's that so often,
we wait for permission
to share that kindness that we
feel, the gratitude we feel,
the thanks that we feel.
And the way that I
want to kind of ground
this in your memory
banks is to think
about that saying that
we all heard a thousand
times growing up.
So you tease a kid
on the playground.
Your mom would see you.
She'd come over to
you and she'd say,
if you don't have
anything nice to say--
AUDIENCE: Don't say it at all.
ANDREW HORN: Don't
say it at all.
So watch this.
If you look at those two
don'ts and you get rid of them,
you know what it becomes?
If you have anything
nice to say, say it all.
It's this simple
idea that whenever
we have a kind
feeling, a compliment,
we feel thankful
for someone, there
is no good reason to ever
keep that inside of your head.
Just think about any time you've
ever received a compliment
and said, gross.
[LAUGHTER]
Never happened.
So if you have anything
nice to say, say it all.
So next, I want to move
into our second part
of the communication
techniques, and that's something
that we call the art of
meaningful conversation.
Before we move into
this, does anyone
have any questions about
that first element of sharing
gratitude, articulating our
gratitude, and appreciation?
We'll open up for questions
at the end as well.
So the art of
meaningful conversation
is grounded in the idea
that human connection
starts with communication.
So the art of
meaningful conversation
is about overcoming anxiety.
It's about adding
value in conversation.
It's about listening
attentively.
It's about connecting
and feeling
confident in any
social interaction.
And we can think about it
broken up this way, FAM.
Finding your authentic voice,
asking better questions,
and the metamorphic two-step
to translate presence.
So before we get
into that, I want
to address something that is the
biggest deterrent and barrier
to human connection
in my opinion,
and that is social
anxiety and shyness.
And so again, I want to define
social anxiety in clear terms.
Social anxiety can be defined as
the fear of negative judgment.
So social anxiety is the
fear of negative judgment.
And another thing that
I want to establish
is that recent research shows
that about 60% of all people
say that they are dealing with
some issues of social anxiety
or shyness.
It is not rare.
And when we were dealing with
social anxiety or shyness,
we have an aversion
to social interaction.
It's going to keep
us from dating
the people we want to date,
from meeting the friends we
want to be friends
with, from getting
the job that we deserve.
And so again, if social
anxiety is simply
the fear of being
negatively judged,
some people leap
to the assumption
that we should just stop
caring what people think.
But that is not the
path to connection.
That is an easy path to
narcissism, and sometimes
the White House.
[LAUGHTER]
So we can start by finding
our authentic voice.
And the authentic voice
is this deep understanding
of who we are, what we care
about, and what we want.
And the reason this
is so important
is that if we don't
know who we are,
what we stand for,
we will constantly
revert to seeking
validation from others.
It's that we will
need other people
to tell us what is
acceptable, what is cool,
as opposed to being driven
by our own intuition, morals,
values.
And there's a simple test that
you can use in any situation,
whether you're in a
meeting at Google,
whether you're in a party,
whether you're at Thanksgiving
dinner with your family.
That simple test is
this one question.
Am I doing this
because I want to be
or because I think
people will like it,
or think it looks cool?
And the clearest example
I can give you of this--
and we've all been there, don't
even lie that you haven't--
is you're at a party.
Your friends haven't showed up.
And then you pull out your phone
and you're just looking at it,
doing absolutely nothing.
Like, everyone just smiled,
so we've been there.
You don't want to just
do nothing on your phone.
You're doing that
because you're worried
about the perception of other
people thinking you're weird,
or whatever it might be.
And the easiest construct
that you can think about
in these moments is, am I being
driven by internal motivation
or external motivation?
Internal versus external.
Why am I doing what
I'm doing right now?
Always ask yourself and
remind yourself to revert back
to that internal motivation.
And we can all start.
Here's another challenge.
How to find your
authentic voice starts
by articulating your
answers to these questions.
And to many of them,
I hope that you do.
You have a feeling, an
understanding of these.
But when you actually take
the time to answer them,
to put the words that
these questions deserve,
you'll go into
social interactions
with more power, a higher
understanding of yourself,
and it will translate to
greater presence and greater
connection.
And one of the
beautiful things I
think about when I look
at questions like this
is that, the answers will
always change, and that's OK.
That's a beautiful part of life.
The questions will
remain the same,
but just the mere fact that
these answers will change
is not an excuse for
not having an answer.
So meaningful conversation
starts with us,
and establishing that
understanding of self.
So the second is to
ask better questions.
And one thing that
we can establish
when we think
about asking better
questions as a path
to human connection
are these two things.
It's that when we are asking
questions and listening
attentively, we will always
leave a good impression
on our counterpart.
And beyond that, we will
always make them feel valued.
So if we are asking
questions and listening,
you are always going to
leave a positive impression
on the person that
you're speaking with.
On top of that, questions
are the most effective path
for learning and growth.
If we are learning,
if we are growing,
there is always fulfillment
to be had there.
And as our pal Gandhi
said, "When you talk,
you are merely
repeating what you know.
When you listen, you may
learn something new."
And again, I love
these constructs
that allow you to
evaluate how you're
being in any given moment.
And another question
that you can think about.
Whenever you go into
a meeting, before you
go to your next conference,
ask yourself this one question.
What am I most excited to
learn about this person?
It's actually taking 60 seconds
before you hop on that call
and just identifying, what
am I most curious about?
When you establish a
foundation of curiosity
to take into any
social interaction,
you now have a virtuous path
through that entire interaction
because of those two things
we established before.
Articulating our
curiosity will lead us
into virtuous connection
in every interaction.
We can trust that.
Here's another one
of those constructs,
the idea of being
interested over interesting.
And it actually should
be an equal sign there.
It should say that if
you are interested,
you are interesting, and
you will be received well
by other people.
And again, this incredible
quote by Einstein.
"I have no special talent.
I'm only passionately curious."
And the idea of going through
life to understand people,
to understand the
world, in my opinion,
is just one of the best
ways to experience life,
and something we can
all aspire towards.
And you can also help
yourself by giving
a foundation of questions
that I call your go-tos.
Is that, give yourself a leg up.
I've been talking about human
connection and relationships
for so many years, but
at the end of the day,
I revert back to
the same questions,
because there is a through line.
There is a theme to what I want
to understand about the people
I meet.
So if you think about
these questions,
you can trust
yourself to fall back
to these, these more virtuous
paths of communication
and conversation in
any given moment.
So think about what yours are.
Here's a few that
I've always loved.
What are you most excited about?
What's most
challenging right now?
Because when we talk about
challenge and struggle,
we open up an opportunity to
support and to be supported.
What's your focus at the moment?
What's important right now?
What's the dream?
Identifying what people
really want to do.
And do you guys want to talk
about your dreams or your day
job?
Well, you guys work at Google,
so it's probably very cool.
But at the same time, talking
about our dreams, what
we really want is
where we can find
that energy, that
passion, the stuff
that we really
want to connect on.
What do you care about?
That simple question
to get to what
is important to people,
which is an incredible thing
to understand and
get to know someone.
So the next is probably
the simplest step
of all these things
that we're going
to talk about in the art
of meaningful conversation.
And so the reason that we
need this is because presence
is tantamount if we want
to connect with people.
If we have a negative
internal dialogue,
if we're thinking
about other things,
if I'm not right
here to talk to you
and to look you in
the eyes, I'm not
fully capable of
articulating myself.
I can't listen to you fully.
And so presence is important.
And another thing to identify
is that our brain's priority
is not to connect.
Our brain's priority
is to keep us safe.
And our brain is really good at
telling us all the things that
are going to go wrong.
Our brain is really good at
taking us into the meeting
and telling us why
this person's not
going to invest in us,
about why this person's not
going to like us.
They're not going
to think I'm smart.
They're not going
to think I'm pretty.
Whatever it might be.
And so we need to
remind our brain what
feeling good looks like.
We need to remind our brain
what we want to happen.
And so it's, again, this
simple two-step process
that I learned from
a hypnotherapist
in New York City.
I remember, I
walked into a party.
I met this guy.
and I said, so what do you do?
And he's like, well,
I'm a hypnotherapist.
And I stopped and
I said, I'm going
to corner you and ask
you a hundred questions.
Are you OK with that?
And he was like, yes.
And so the first
thing I asked is,
so what's the number one thing
that people try to get rid of?
And what do you
guys think it is?
AUDIENCE: Smoking.
ANDREW HORN: Smoking is
the one everyone says.
That's what I said too.
But it is not smoking.
He said, self-doubt.
Self-doubt is the
number one thing
that hypnotherapists
are asked to cure.
And so then I went down
this line of questioning.
I said, so if you
want to cure someone
of self-doubt, what do you do?
And he said that the
first step is articulating
the undesired state.
So putting words to
this negative feeling,
because then it has
less control over us.
So it's, again, before
you go into that meeting,
it's actually saying,
what's going to go wrong?
How do I not want to feel?
Those things that we
just talked about.
They're not going
to think I'm smart.
They're not going to think
I'm experienced enough.
We're not going to connect.
That's the undesired
state of being.
And so this one little
question in step two
can change everything,
and will take you
15 seconds before you go into
any meaningful interaction.
How do I want to feel?
How do I want to feel?
So before I step foot in this
room today, I ask myself,
how do I want to feel?
And I said, I want
to be passionate.
I want to be myself.
I want to feel loose.
So happy, passionate,
loose, HPL.
Now I have three things.
And whenever I have any
sort of doubt or anything
that takes me out
of the moment, I
have these three
desired states of being
that I can tap into right now.
I am here as Andrew, the
way that I want to be.
I promise you that if
you just ground yourself
in the metamorphic two-step
before any important meeting,
it will transform your
ability to connect
in that conversation.
Does that make sense?
How do I want to feel?
Awesome.
So we're about to close.
And before we do
that, I want to invite
you guys into a quick
60-second gratitude meditation.
So if you guys
will just sit back
in your chairs,
literally 60 seconds.
And you can close your eyes,
you can open your eyes.
Whatever you're most
comfortable with.
So what I'd like you to
do is close your eyes,
if you'd like to.
And on the count of
three, we're going
to take one big breath in.
One, two, three.
[INHALE]
[EXHALE]
And now with your
eyes closed, just
feel the sensation of
your breath as it goes in,
as it goes out.
And now I'd like you to
think about one person
that you're grateful for.
Who is one person that's
had an impact on your life?
Whether it's a mom,
a dad, a best friend,
a significant other.
And just imagine that person
sitting right in front of you.
They're just looking
right back at you.
And now I want you guys to
remember, I love you, because.
And I want you to articulate
why you're grateful for them.
Why do you love them?
And sit with that for a moment.
And on the count of three,
we're going to open our eyes.
Three, two, one.
And I want you to take a look at
what's on the screen right now.
If you have anything
nice to say, say it all.
There is no reason to
keep that kindness, that
gratitude that you feel for
that person who's impacted
your life, in your head.
It's that life is
an incredible gift,
and to experience it
with the people we love
is an even greater gift.
So my last challenge
and invitation to you
guys today as we close out is
if you'd like to at some point
today, right after
this talk, is text
that gratitude to this person.
See how it makes you feel.
See how it makes them feel.
And hopefully, you take this
into your life moving forward.
Thank you so much, guys.
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, and we actually
have one final thing.
So this is John, Tribute's
community manager in the back.
And so in the vein of
Google and free stuff--
[LAUGHTER]
--we're going to
give you guys a gift
card to create your first
Tribute on the house.
So there's probably about 70
of you guys that are here.
So I want to make sure that
you guys get to do this,
whether it's for a birthday,
a wedding, a bar mitzvah,
anything special coming up.
And for those of you that
are online watching this,
if you tweet out we
tribute and this talk,
we'll also reach out to
you with a free $19 gift
card to create your
first DIY tribute.
Awesome.
And if there's any
questions, I think
I'll look at Katya to
see how we do that.
But I'd love to field
any questions about kind
of our research in the field
or how we got Tribute started.
Whatever's on your mind.
KATYA: So here.
There's a microphone right here.
ANDREW HORN: Hi.
AUDIENCE: Great talk.
Thank Thank you.
AUDIENCE: I love that.
So before I came to Google,
I was a school counselor
at a high school in the Bronx,
working with teenage girls.
And a lot of what
you said kind of
makes me a little nervous
for the younger generations,
just because this
style of communication
now is all they know.
And I think for a lot of
us in this room kind of
got the best of both worlds.
So we have the ability to tap
into a lot of what you said.
So I'm just curious if you've
thought at all about how
to reach a younger
audience, or how
to kind of tackle those things.
Because I found it really
hard for the girls to,
A, be vulnerable, and that
whole, like, self-doubt thing.
They had no confidence
in themselves.
So I was just
curious, like your--
I don't know-- ideas on
targeting a younger audience.
ANDREW HORN: Yeah, you know, so
Tribute's target demographics
and where we focus on
is on the 18 and above.
So where people kind of
have a little more emotional
intelligence and are capable
of articulating these things.
So it's not where I've spent
most of my time at Tribute,
but it was where I spent a great
deal of my time with Dreams
For Kids.
And I think that
what we always lead
with when it comes to kids,
again, are some of these values
that we talked about of leading
with kindness before we get
to the communication aspect.
It's establishing that as
the foundation of interaction
between people of just
being able to ask yourself,
is this a kind thing?
And so I mean, when we
were at Dreams For Kids, we
had this thing that we embraced
at any one of our events,
because we were dealing with a
lot of kids with disabilities,
is if you're ever unsure,
the general consensus
was that you just
go over and you ask.
And everyone just
seeks to understand.
And it was basically
setting this baseline
of understanding between people
rather than making judgments,
and all these other things.
So I think, again, you know,
I don't do a lot of work
directly with kids.
But I think that establishing
that understanding
of seeking to understand
your counterpart
and asking questions will still
be a virtuous path, right?
I mean, when you think about
your time as a counselor,
what were the biggest
challenges that young girls were
finding with being vulnerable?
Just that they were
being attacked,
or they weren't receiving
that back to them, or--
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
A little bit of everything.
I think part of it was
too, like, they couldn't
find an authentic voice,
because everything
was done for a like on
Instagram or for a retweet,
or whatever it was.
And they would give each
other compliments on Instagram
just to get it back so
that they could look at it
and say, I have 500 comments
of how great I look, you know?
ANDREW HORN: So I'm so
happy you said that,
because it really did just
trigger something in me.
And you know, my reality is
that I wasn't a great student
throughout high school
and even college.
It's kind of like, I went
through and I got grades,
but I was never fully
present there or valued it.
And no kind of
guidance, no speakers,
no counselors ever
connected with me
and gave me insight or advice
about how to evaluate the world
or how I wanted to live my
life that really connected.
And so when we
talk about starting
with the art of meaningful
conversation and questions,
I think that, again, is
the best place to start.
Because if you
empower young people
at a young age with a
foundational sense of self--
who they are, what's
important to them--
I think that that's the
most important thing.
And again, you can give
that to a younger person
and say, here are
some of the questions
that you can explore
for yourself.
And when you can relay
that directly back
to social anxiety and shyness
and some of those things
that are much more prevalent
in high school and college,
then what happens is that
you give people a foundation
to say, before you can feel
confident in these situations,
like, the most important
thing is truly understanding,
trusting, and loving yourself.
And so we can give
that to young people.
I think that that's always
where I would start,
is not telling one
to do anything,
but providing them with the
construct to actually perform
that kind of
introspection that leads
to virtuous
interactions, connection,
connecting with the type
of people that we need to.
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
It's like almost
trying to get it
proactive rather than reactive,
because that was like--
we were trying to put out
fires almost, you know?
And it was hard to
do at that point.
ANDREW HORN: Yeah,
my mom always says
that the wisest teachers are
the greatest question askers.
And so that's what
I would emphasize.
AUDIENCE: Cool.
Thank you.
ANDREW HORN: Yeah, absolutely.
AUDIENCE: This is a really
welcome interruption
in the day.
[LAUGH]
I imagine the
people in this room
are a fairly self-selecting
group, as far
as being concerned about
these kinds of issues.
Can you talk about times where,
especially somebody who's
used to being called intense
in the first meetings
now for a lot of the reasons
you've discussed, how do you
navigate this when you're
meeting somebody who
is unwilling to meet
you at that level,
and who is uncomfortable with
these kinds of questions,
or thinks that this is
extremely unnatural?
ANDREW HORN: Yeah.
Absolutely.
Do you want to-- are you
speaking in a business context
or social?
AUDIENCE: I think
it applies to both.
So I'd be curious--
ANDREW HORN: Yeah, absolutely.
So let's start with social.
And this is something
that I've had
to come to grips with
as well, is again,
dealing with my own
anxieties and shyness
with social
interaction, and how I
wanted to show up in the world.
One thing that I've become
very clear on later in life
is that it is not
our responsibility
to make people feel comfortable.
It is our responsibility
to be honest to ourselves.
And this is within the
construct of, again,
leading with kindness, is
that we cannot harm people,
so we need to lead
with kindness.
But that ultimately, it
is not our responsibility
to make people comfortable.
It is our responsibility to
be honest with ourselves.
And if we're accepting of
some of these principles
about asking questions
and knowing who we are
and being fully present,
I think that sometimes you
are going to
interact with people
who don't connect with you,
who are not on your frequency.
And I think that knowing that
you've showed up in integrity
in those moments as yourself
allows you to not get
hung up on them, allows
you to move forward.
And the reality is that
you only have limited time
on this Earth, and
so those people who
aren't able to meet
you where you're at
are oftentimes not
those people that you're
going to connect with.
You know, I'd say that, again,
in the professional context,
seeking to understand people
is this virtuous path where
if people aren't going to
meet you all the way at what's
your dream, and you're
meeting them at--
whether it's like Penn
Station or whatever it is--
I think that there's
a way that you can
start earlier on to get there.
And so again, I think that just
because someone can't meet you
there, like, if you were
to break down again--
and you talked about, when we
were chatting right here, like,
your perception of
people right off the bat.
And I love the idea that
your first question is not
your real question.
It's that for a lot
of people, like, they
won't be able to go
there right off the bat.
So what is another
question right
after that that you can go into?
And again, just allowing
yourself to lead with curiosity
and what you want to
know about that person.
So if they're not willing
to talk about their dreams
or what they care about, what
do you want to know about them,
and why they're not
willing to go there?
It's, again, just giving
yourself to that process
and seeing where that
takes you I think
is always going to
be a virtuous path.
Does that make sense?
AUDIENCE: Yeah Thank you.
ANDREW HORN: Cool.
Yeah?
AUDIENCE: So just touching again
on the subject of, you know,
younger people,
children, you know,
as a relatively new father--
ANDREW HORN: Congrats.
AUDIENCE: --and, you know,
speaking from my own experience
on Facebook, it's
been my feeling
pretty early on that
a lot of people I know
have exchanged a few
meaningful relationships
with a lot of meaningless
ones, and a lot of really
shallow ones.
They've really kind of
replaced depth with breadth,
and we're not talking
to each other anymore.
We're broadcasting.
Right?
And we're advertising,
so to speak.
At least some of us do.
And it's certainly the
experience on Facebook,
you know, browsing
Facebook, it's
an inescapable
experience of comparison.
And since you
quoted Brene Brown,
I'm sure you know her works.
And you know, comparison is
the pathway to feeling less,
to feeling ashamed.
And I feel that I myself, you
know, I'm fairly immune to it.
Not completely.
At least, I'm smart enough
to avoid exposing myself
to too much of that.
Are there tangible
things that we
can do to help children
develop that immunity
to the inescapable
world around us
where there'll be a lot of
people that are shallow,
there'll be a lot
of people that will
judge them using meaningless
tools like likes, et cetera?
And you know, obviously,
developing self-worth,
developing integrity,
these are principles
I can easily agree with.
But are there good tricks to
do that I guess is my question.
ANDREW HORN: Absolutely.
Well, I'll expand on
the comparison theme,
and then get right back
into how we can apply this
to young people and their
browsing and social media
habits.
One of my favorite
concepts with comparison
is the idea that comparison
is the thief of joy.
And I just notice this
in any given moment where
I find myself comparing
to a competitor,
to someone else who's
finding success.
And in those moments
where you feel
jealousy or angst, whatever it
might be when you're comparing,
my first thought there, and
what I've trained myself to do
is to realize that that
comparison and that malice,
or whatever it might
be, is nothing--
it has nothing to
do with that person.
It's purely internal, and it
says something about myself.
And so I think about
the transformation
of comparing to celebrating,
which is what we want to do.
Is that if we cannot celebrate
the successes of other people,
it only says something about
us and our own insecurities.
So it's that shift from
comparing to celebrating.
And if we cannot celebrate,
we can acknowledge that
it's because of our
own insecurities,
and something to be worked
on, because no one is perfect.
And as it relates
to young people,
I think, again,
rather than telling
them what to do, the
best thing that we
can do with young
people is to ask them
why they are doing
things, and to help them
come to their own realizations.
And again, how we do that
is with good questions.
And I'll revert
back to one that we
talked about earlier,
which is, if you
have a young person who's
posting on Instagram
or is typing these types of
comments, to simply ask them,
like, why are you doing that?
And to see what kind of answer
that they actually have,
to actually help them
identify those motivations
for themselves, to see if
it's something that they like.
And again, we all remember
our younger years,
and it's like, we are
hardwired to rebel.
And so when someone
is telling us
that this is the
way to do something,
we're going to be very
resistant for anyone to tell us
what to do when we're still
formulating our own identity.
But when we can give
people a construct
to do that meaningful
introspection for themself,
I think that is probably
the most effective path
to help them evaluate
those things.
So again, it's
just understanding
why they're doing these
things, and hopefully
encouraging designers
and people at Google
to be thoughtful about how
we are designing products
and what we're
defining as success.
AUDIENCE: Thank you.
ANDREW HORN: Yeah.
Absolutely.
Anyone else?
One more.
Or a few more.
AUDIENCE: This is
actually not a question.
He may have a question.
These are great.
Is there any way
you can share these?
ANDREW HORN: Yeah, man.
If you email
john@tribute.co, he'll
be sure to send these out.
Thanks, man.
Hi.
AUDIENCE: I'm a huge
fan of Dr. Brene Brown,
so you had me at Brene Brown.
[LAUGH]
So I wanted to just ask if
you had any statistics on--
because she talks a
little bit about this
in several of her books, but on
how the expression of gratitude
is what actually gives you joy.
So do you have any--
is your company doing any type
of, like, studies on people
that actually participate in
this and their levels of joy
going up as a result of the
expression of gratitude?
I would just be interested
to see that data.
ANDREW HORN: Yeah.
You know, so we partnered with
a nonprofit called the Grateful
Network.
And so again, they're doing a
lot of leading-edge research,
along with the Greater Good
Science Center, which is
a unit outside of UC Berkeley.
And they're doing some of
the leading-edge research
about the practice of
gratitude, and what
it's doing on the mind.
And so we have our
internal metrics
that we talked about in
terms of actually quantifying
expressions of love
within these videos,
of actually quantifying this
act of sharing gratitude,
how that improves
your connectivity
with your community.
And so right now, again,
of these 50,000 people
who've done it, right
now you're looking
at 99% of people who say
that the act of sharing
this gratitude for
someone they cared about
made them feel more
connected to their community,
and tears of joy are
now called wonder joy.
So I can provide that.
But I'd say that those are
probably two of the networks
that I'd check out
with more of that kind
of leading-edge research.
So something that we're
kind of piggybacking off
of them to apply that
into our kind of like--
in our design and
our development.
AUDIENCE: Awesome.
Thank you.
ANDREW HORN: Thanks so much.
So if you have anything
nice to say, say it all.
One of my favorite
things as well
is when I'm giving a talk and
someone's just, like, nodding.
Because, like, yeah.
She gets it.
You were nodding the whole time,
and it's such a great thing
to see that.
So thank you for that.
Yeah.
That was awesome.
So who are you guys going
to give your tribute to?
Yes?
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE].
ANDREW HORN: There you go.
[LAUGHTER]
So that's my fiance
Miki, by the way,
in the back of the room, who
gave me the first tribute
and inspired it all.
And now she's six
months pregnant.
We just got back from
the doctor today.
[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGH]
She's got a few now too.
[LAUGH]
And obviously, I made
her my wife, so it works.
[LAUGHTER]
AUDIENCE: Has anyone ever
proposed in their tribute?
ANDREW HORN: We actually
just had a beautiful one.
We had a woman who
proposed to her girlfriend.
How long was the video, John?
JOHN: About an hour long.
[LAUGHTER]
ANDREW HORN: Yeah.
An hour long.
And you know, just like
some of the stories, again,
it's like, I get goosebumps
thinking about it.
So like this past
week alone, we had
this woman who had
an hour-long video
to propose to her girlfriend.
We had another woman who
just submitted a testimonial,
and she was crying in
her testimonial video.
And she said, you
know, I gave this
to my best friend of 55 years.
She was diagnosed with
lung cancer five years ago,
and she didn't make it.
And I did this video so
that her granddaughters
would know who she was.
And the tribute ended up
being an hour and a half.
And it's, again, it's
giving this gift of legacy
and gratitude, and reminding
people who someone was.
So if there's
anyone in your lives
who's really had an
impact, we'd love
to see you guys on the site.
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE]
ANDREW HORN: Yeah.
AUDIENCE: Thank you very much.
ANDREW HORN: Thanks, guys.
[APPLAUSE]
