Hi!
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughs ] Yay!
Yay, yay, yay!
Give it up for my afro.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It excites me because I had
a shaved head for seven years.
I was never late anywhere.
[ Laughter ]
When I started growing it back,
my friend was like,
"Zainab, I didn't know
your hair grew like that."
I was like, "Like what?"
I tried to lead her
down a racism trap.
[ Laughs ] I was like,
"How does my hair grow?"
She was like, "You know,
it's tight and coarse."
I was like, "Oh, no, no, no.
That's a misconception.
My hair grows very straight.
Then I walk out into the world,
and oppression makes it
tight and coarse."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
[ Laughs ]
We're not friends anymore.
Which is okay
because I have 12 siblings.
I know.
My mom's vagina, right? Ooh.
[ Laughs ]
Whenever I tell people that,
they're like,
"Wow. Your parents
were having a lot of sex."
I'm like, "At least 13 times.
Since we're counting."
They also ask me, like,
"Oh, did you come from
a religious family?"
And, yes, I did. I'm Muslim.
I know I'm underdressed.
"Um -- Okay."
[ Laughs ]
Actually had a guy break up
with me because I was Muslim.
He was like, "Zainab,
I really want to marry you,
but I need you to be Christian."
And I was like, "I really
want to marry you, too,
but I need you to be
financially stable."
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughs ]
I am one of 13.
My mom wanted 20.
She made it to 13.
When I was in second grade,
she had kid number 10.
And I was like,
"This has got to stop."
Asked my mom to get her tubes
tied when I was in second grade.
I have no idea how I found out
about tube tying.
Like, maybe I was so fed up,
I sat in front of a bunch
of encyclopedias and was like,
"There has to be an answer."
Or maybe I overheard
the gossiping lunch ladies say,
"If Mrs. Johnson enrolls
one more of those kids....
in the free-lunch program...
I'm-a take her
to the clinic myself."
I don't know
how I found out about it,
but when I did, I was like,
"Oh, shoot. There's a solution."
So I went to my mom, I was like,
"Mom, get your tubes tied."
And my mom said
the craziest thing to me.
My mom said, "Zainab, I'm not
going to get my tubes tied.
Me and your father,
we might not make it.
I'm going to marry another man,
and I'm going to
have his children."
[ Audience ohhs ]
[ Laughter ]
And in that moment, I was like,
"This chick is confident."
That is not how dating works.
There's no eligible bachelor
out there
looking for a divorcee
with 10 dependents.
No, there's virgins
out there with PhD's
trying to get married.
I had to tell my mom, I said,
"Look, you got to
stay with Daddy.
He's your only option."
[ Laughter ]
It's 13 of us. It's 13 of us.
Somebody should be gay, right?
Statistically.
They say 1 in every 5 Americans
is gay.
There's 13 of us.
We should have 2.
2 1/2.
Like, two and a bisexual, right?
[ Laughter ]
We have no idea who it is.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
We are waiting patiently
by the closet like...
[ Laughter ]
..."Who is it?"
My younger brother,
he was a good suspect.
When he was 8 years old,
he just decided to be a vegan.
We were like,
"He's definitely the gay one."
We justified it. We were like,
"It makes sense.
He's giving up meat now so he
can have all the meat later."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
I stole his journal
because I was like,
"I'm going to crack this case."
I was like, "The information
is in his journal.
All I have to do is find it.
We'll invite him
out the closet."
So I read his journal,
come to find out
he's in love with this girl.
I was pissed.
I confronted him.
I'm like, "What is this?!"
He says, "Zainab,
you read my journal?"
I was like, "You're not gay?
You have a journal."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
[ Laughs ]
Actually, my family, they
thought I was the gay one.
I had a shaved head,
I played basketball
for a really long time.
They just knew I was gonna come
dribbling out the closet.
And, you know,
people argue like,
"Oh, are you born gay?
Do you choose to be gay?"
I think you're born gay,
'cause if you could choose it,
I would choose it.
[ Laughs ]
I would be so gay.
Here's why. Here's why.
I'm black. I'm a woman.
I'm Muslim.
I'm the diversity trifecta.
If I could just add gay
to my résumé.
[ Laughs ]
[ Applause ]
[ Laughs ] If I were gay,
this wouldn't be a comedy show.
This would be a TED Talk.
Thank you, everybody.
I'm Zainab.
