YOU KNOW HOW TIME WORKS.
EVERY DAY WE GET CLOSER TO THE
2020 ELECTION, AND THE DEMOCRATS
HAVE NARROWED THEIR CHOICES DOWN
TO EVERYONE.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
RIGHT HERE.
RIGHT HERE.
THESE, MY FRIENDS, ARE THE
DEMOCRATS THAT
"THE NEW YORK TIMES" SAYS ARE
RUNNING OR THINKING OF RUNNING.
IF YOU SEE YOUR FACE IN HERE,
I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO FIND OUT
THIS WAY.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
MMM!
MMM!
BERNIE SANDERS, TALCUM POWDER
AND SMOKED WHITEFISH.
 ( APPLAUSE )
AS ALWAYS, I'LL BREAK DOWN THE
HOT DEM-ON-DEM ACTION IN
TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF "DOIN'
IT DONKEY STYLE."
WITH SO MANY PEOPLE IN THE RACE,
DEMOCRATS ARE ALREADY PEACOCKING
IN ORDER TO STAND OUT.
I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT BERNIE'S
BEAUTIFUL PLUMAGE.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
PUFF IT UP.
BUT CANDIDATES WITHOUT A
SIGNATURE HAIRSTYLE HAVE BEEN
EXPERIMENTING WITH SIGNATURE
ISSUES.
FOR EXAMPLE, MASSACHUSETTS
SENATOR AND FRIEND'S MOM WHO
EVEN COMES TO YOUR GRADUATION,
ELIZABETH WARREN.
WARREN HELD A TOWN HALL THIS
WEEK IN THE QUAINT LITTLE
TOWN OF "CNN," WHERE SHE
PROPOSED APOLICY THAT WAS A REAL
CROWD PLEASER.
>> MY VIEW IS THAT EVERY VOTE
MATTERS.
WE CAN HAVE NATIONAL VOTING,
AND THAT MEANS GET RID OF THE
ELECTORAL COLLEGE AND
EVERYBODY--
 ( APPLAUSE )
YUP.
EVERYBODY!
>> Stephen: SURE, THEY LIKED IT,
BUT COME ON.
IF YOU GET RID OF THE ELECTORAL
COLLEGE, YOU TURN THE ELECTION
INTO SOME KIND OF POPULARITY
CONTEST.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
BUT-- IT'S A CHIN STROKER.
IT'S A STROKER.
NOW, WHEN IT COMES TO THE
DEMOCRATS, OF COURSE, THE
400-POUND DONKEY IN THE ROOM IS
FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AND
GRANDPA ABOUT TO SCORE WITH THE
DENNY'S WAITRESS, JOE BIDEN.
EVEN THOUGH HE'S LEADING IN THE
POLLS, BIDEN STILL NEEDS
SOMETHING TO STAND OUT.
ONE OPTION HE'S REPORTEDLY
CONSIDERING IS ACTUALLY RUNNING
FOR PRESIDENT.
ANOTHER IS SELECTING A RUNNING
MATE EARLY.
IT IS ADORABLE THAT JOE BIDEN
THINKS THE THING EVERYONE REALLY
CARES ABOUT IS WHO THE VICE
PRESIDENT IS GOING TO BE.
 (AS BIDEN)
"NEW V.P., PRETTY EXCITING, HUH,
GUYS?
I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT ALL WE
REMEMBER FROM THE LAST
PRESIDENCY, AM I RIGHT?
BARACK WHO?"
 ( APPLAUSE )
ONE CANDIDATE REALLY STRUGGLING
TO STAND OUT IS TECH
ENTREPRENEUR AND BUSINESS CASUAL
BRO, ANDREW YANG.
YANG HAS ALREADY MADE A NAME FOR
HIMSELF BY SUPPORTING A
UNIVERSAL BASIC INCOME, WHICH
MEANS HE PROPOSES A SET OF
GUARANTEED PAYMENTS OF $1,000
PER MONTH TO ALL U.S. CITIZENS
OVER THE AGE OF 18.
$1,000 A MONTH COULD CHANGE A
LOT OF PEOPLE'S LIVES.
FOR ONE THING, I'D FINALLY GET
PAID $12,000 A YEAR FOR MY
POETRY.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
BUT, RECENTLY, YANG PICKED UP
ANOTHER SIGNATURE ISSUE THAT'S
ON THE TIP OF EVERYONE'S...
WELL, YOU'LL SEE.
BECAUSE ON TWITTER, HE WAS
ASKED, "DO YOU HAVE AN OPINION
ON ROUTINE INFANT CIRCUMCISION?"
TO WHICH YANG REPLIED, "NEGATIVE
ON IT."
TO WHICH @JellyfishRave REPLIED,
"JUST TO BE CLEAR, IS THAT A
NEGATIVE, AS IN YOU'RE AGAINST
THE PRACTICE-- WHICH I'M
ASSUMING-- OR NEGATIVE AS
IN YOU HAVE NO OPINION?
THANKS!"
AND YANG SPECIFIED, "AGAINST THE
PRACTICE."
THAT IS SOME REAL JOURNALISTIC
DUE DILIGENCE FROM
@JellyfishRave.
SO, YANG HAS TAKEN A PUBLIC
STAND THAT HE WANTS TO KEEP MALE
GENITALS INTACT.
I CAN SEE THE YARD SIGNS NOW:
"ANDREW YANG FOR A BETTER WANG!"
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT WAS A LONG WALK.
BUT 100% WORTH IT.
LONG WALK TO THE WANG.
AND YANG THINKS THIS IS AN
IMPORTANT VOTING BLOC FOR HIM,
SAYING OF THE ANTI-CIRCUMCISION
MOVEMENT, "I'M HIGHLY ALIGNED
WITH THE INTACTIVISTS," NOT TO
BE CONFUSED WITH THE
ANTI-NEUTERING MOVEMENT: THE
(BLEEP).
