

~1~

"I ran the race, keep up with the pace

I play the game but I can't stay

I got my head on straight

And I'm not gonna change

Not gonna change...t"

-Avril Lavigne, Alice (underground)

Another wedding. I'm a common fixture in weddings. Not that I've been married so many times, okay? I've...well...been a bridesmaid for a couple of times already. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. I know it's a cliché, but it's true. At least, for me. This time though, I'm not a bridesmaid...and not the bride, as well.

It's my eldest sister, Kim's wedding, and here I am, at the reception. I didn't wake up early...I had, well, quite a crazy night last night. My friends threw a party and I got wasted, you know the deal. I woke up with a hang-over, and realized I had my sister's wedding to attend to. I remembered I needed to wear something rainbow colored for it's the motif. Good thing I had the perfect dress which I bought over a month back. It was short (it was a tube-dress), it was cute, and it had all the colors of the Rainbow on it.

Well, I thought it was perfect...until I arrived at the reception and noticed that everyone were wearing dresses and suits with one color of the Rainbow, and not all colors. It was just the bride, my sister, Kim and I who were wearing something with all colors on it. I caught her eye and knew she would come to me and tell me to go away, or find something else to wear. She always thinks that I do things to despise her.

Oh, wait, I haven't introduced myself yet. I'm Caroline Larsen, the third of the Larsen siblings. The eldest is Kim, 28, who's getting married right now to Mark, this guy I once hooked-up with. Okay, it wasn't a total hook-up, just a few kisses, and nothing else. He was...boring. And a jerk, at least, back then. It was college, people could change after. I just have no idea what Kim sees in him. To me, he still seems like the guy I once knew. Well, enough about Kim. The next sister is cool Leigh. She's 25, very smart, but her personality isn't of the controlling kind, Like Kim. I live with Leigh, and so does my other two younger siblings. It's because of Leigh that I have all these online shops and don't have to work my butt off everyday of my life. She's the best. And then there's me, Caroline, 23, middle child, not so smart, not dumb, not too elegant, but never sloppy. I definitely am always in the middle. After me, there's Mindy, 21. She's...well, she just got out of rehab. For the nth time. Mindy always had drug and alcohol problems. It started when she was 17 and found out that She wasn't dad's real daughter...Mom had an affair with someone else years ago, and so she came. Dad freaked out when he found out. Well, who wouldn't right? But he still accepted mom. To be honest, if I were him, I probably wouldn't have done the same thing. But who knows? Maybe, there are things people forgive when they really love someone, no matter how unforgivable they may seem. Okay, moving on...Finally, there's our only brother, Drake, 18 and in first year college. He's your typical college dude—busy with school and, busy with girls.

"What in the world are you wearing?" Kim whispered as she led me near an arch in the reception area. Kim looks scary when she's doing this. She always does this to me. "Didn't you read the invitation? No one but me should be wearing something with all of the colors of the Rainbow on it."

"I'm..." I said, "Sorry. Really, Kim, I'm sorry, I didn't meant to...I just woke up late and—"

"You always find ways to rain on my parade, Caroline," She said through gritted teeth, "Don't show yourself to anyone else. Find a shawl or something."

"What? Kim—"

"When will you ever grow up, huh? It's my wedding day," She emphasized, "God, Caroline."

"I'm sorry."

"Suit yourself." She said and walked away, giving her smiles to everyone else but me.

I sighed. "Who knew about her freakin' dress code?"

"It's...it's on the invitation," Someone said and I noticed that it was this guy who was standing by the arch, holding a copy of Paulo Coelho's Brida in one hand. He looked like a shy guy (he wasn't looking me in the eye) but he was...well, cute. Pretty Blue eyes, nice red lips, and bangs being fluttered on his face by the wind. He looked like a cross between Adam Brody and Hugh Dancy. "It says no one but the bride should wear something with all the colors on it."

"Oh," I muttered, "I guess I skipped that part." I smiled.

He didn't laugh.

"I'm Caroline, by the way, bridezilla's sister..." I quipped.

He just looked down. What was this? I thought, was he really this shy?

"So," I said, trying to start another conversation, "You're a friend of the groom's?"

"Cousin..."

"Oh, wow...and your name is?"

"Ro...Robert," He answered, "They...they call me Robbie."

"Robbie," I smiled, "That's a nice name. So, why are you standing her on your own? Don't like the food or something?"

"No, no," He answered, "I just...I don't like crowds so much..."

Is he Agoraphobic? I thought. "I see..." I said, "I'm not so sure I like this crowd, too..." I smiled.

"Have you read Brida?" He asked, "It's this book," He said, "Oh, and it's not about a bride or something—"

"No, I haven't," I said, realizing I knew why he was the way he was. Asperger's. I thought. It was probably why he was socially awkward, couldn't look me in the eye and was dead-set on talking about books. Well, it's just a guess, but I think I'm right. I'm a Psychology grad. I may not be practicing it, but still... I then went back to talking with him, "...But I know it's not about a bride...Witches, right?"

"Right," His eyes lit up, "Although Witch of Portobello is better, I should say..."

"Oh, I like that one," I said, "The ending was superb."

"Yes, yes, it is," He said, "P-Paulo Coelho is my favorite author. But I do like John Grisham too and some...J-Jodi Picoult..."

"I love Jodi," I said, "She's an exceptional writer." I smiled, "so, do you wanna sit at that log bench there?" I pointed, "I need to get away from Kim's sight, too..."

"Yeah, yeah," he muttered, "Sure."

As we walked towards the bench, he kept on talking about books, even as we sat down. The thing about people with Asperger's is that sometimes, they have no idea how to stop talking about a certain subject. They live in our world, but are on their own.

"Do you know that Brida was Coelho's first novel?" He asked, "Most people think it's The Pilgrimage, though, since it was published first..."

"Yeah, I heard about that..."

"Do you like him, too?"

"He's good, yes, I like him."

"Good, good, because most people these days don't know how precious books are anymore...Books are special."

I smiled, "Sure are."

"I'm sorry I talk too much, I...I have this condition...Asperger's, it's high functioning Autism, I...I don't really know how to deal with...with—"

"It's okay, Robbie," I said, "It doesn't matter."

"It...it doesn't?"

"Why should it?"

"N-nothing...you're...nice."

I just smiled.

"What...what's your favorite book?"

I thought and then, "Alice in Wonderland." I said and smiled, "I mean, sure, it's a fairytale, but I like it...I sometimes can't help but wish that there was a wonderland or something..."

"It...it's actually very n-nice...Lewis Caroll did it well..."

"Yes, yes," I said, "I like the movies, too." I took a deep breath, "Imagine if we went back inside, Kim would freak out again...She always does when it comes to me..." I laughed a little, "Well...I guess I can't blame her, she's perfect..."

"D-do you want to...to borrow Brida for a while?"

I looked at him, "Yeah," I said, "Sure."

Just then, my other sister, Leigh came with Mindy in tow, holding a bottle of chardonnay in one hand. "Keep quiet, Minds," Leigh said, "Kim would kill us all, we have to go home—"

"Oh, come on, Alicia," Mindy said in a voice that would be heard by almost everyone, "It's a part, we should drink! Carol, Carol..." She said as she saw me, "Care for a shot? Oh and this guy you're with should, too—"

"Mindy!" Leigh then saw me with Robbie, "Sorry..." She mouthed, as my brother, Drake gave me a salute from behind.

"Wait for me in the car..." I told them and watched them go. I turned to Robbie, "Robbie, I'm really sorry but I have to go. I think what you saw was an emergency," I quipped, "Listen, why don't we meet up again soon? Do you have your phone with you?"

"Y-yeah..." He answered and got it from his pocket. I found mine in my purse and handed it to him.

"Let's exchange numbers..." I said and he gave me his, as well. We returned the phones to one another. "I really had a nice time chatting with you, Rob, I just really have to go." I told him, "But I'll see you soon, okay?"

"O-okay..." He answered.

"Thanks," I said as I stood up and gave him a peck on the cheek. "I'll see you." He just nodded his head.

~2~

"In our family portrait

we look pretty happy

let's go back to that"

-Pink, Family Portrait

Drake opened the door to our house (okay, it's Leigh's house, the three of us just live with her) and we all went in. Mindy sat down on the sofa, her feet up on the center table.

"I'll go make some coffee," Leigh said, "And give me that." She took the bottle of chardonnay from Mindy.

"Hey!" Mindy argued.

"You don't need this." Leigh said and placed it in the kitchen cabinet, locking its door.

"I'm going up," Drake said, receiving shocked stares from us all, "I'm...uh..." He said, "Tired..." He then made his way up the stairs. They waited for him to close the door of his room before anyone spoke.

"What is wrong with that boy?" Leigh asked from the kitchen, making coffee, "He hasn't been his usual self for a couple of days now..."

"Well, I'm not too sure," I answered, "But I think it has something to do with Pia..."

"Pia?" Leigh asked.

"That's the girl he's been dating forever," Mindy said, "Quite boring, dating someone forever, if you ask me..."

I laughed, "Yeah, that's Pia..." I said and went on, "I think they may have fought or something...He's not wearing his ring, you know? But don't worry, I'll handle Drake..." I then turned to Mindy. "You okay?" I asked.

"Of course I am," She answered, "You guys are the ones who're not, though..." She went on, "You're like, the world's corniest people right now...It's a party, drinking's a must."

"Enough, Minds," Leigh said as she gave her a cup of coffee, and handed me one, as well. She then sipped her own coffee, "I think Kim's so mad at all of us now...Imagine what happened in her wedding!"

Mindy laughed, "You should've drunk, now that would've made her crazier..."

"Are you kidding?" I said, "You should've seen her when she came up to me. She wanted me to leave! Or throw a shawl on myself or something..."

Leigh laughed, "It's a pretty dress, may I say," She said, "But surely you didn't read the invite well..."

"Oh, trust Kimmie to make a big deal out of things like these..." I said. Just then, our landline rang.

"Uh-oh" Mindy said.

Leigh picked it up, "Hello?"

"What the hell were you guys thinking?" Kim said.

"It's Kim..." Leigh mouthed, and put her on speaker phone.

"—ruining my wedding like that, God," Kim went on, "You shouldn't have brought Mindy!"

"Kimmie, you invited her, and besides she's our sister..." Leigh said.

"Whatever," Kim said, "And Caroline! How many times will she do this, huh? Ruin things for me...Oh, Lord. Will she ever grow up?!"

"Kim, she didn't mean to—"

Mindy then took the receiver from Leigh, "Why hello, Kimmie" She said.

"Mindy?"

"Of course it's me," Mindy said, "Why don't you just continue with your oh-so-perfect wedding?" She went on, "Or better yet, go start honeymooning now and make perfect little babies who would one day rule the world. Bye!" She shouted and put the phone down. For some reason, it made Leigh and me laugh.

"She'd probably tell everyone that she doesn't have sisters..." I quipped.

"Well, unlucky for Kimmie she's got a hell of a crazy family..." Mindy said nonchalantly. Leigh and I looked at each other, knowing that it wasn't just a joke. In fact, Kim really has all of us to deal with. Not really deal with, but endure. After all, we're her family. It's like, she's the only one who's flawless (and by flawless, I don't mean beauty or something)—straight A's back in school, Fresh Law school grad, perfect relationships, a stance against premarital sex...You get it. It's like, she's brought here on earth to be such an epitome of perfection. And then what does she have for a family? Dad, who doesn't talk to anyone anymore, Mom, who's had hair share of illicit affairs, Leigh who takes care of us all, being cool amidst everything and has never been in a relationship since her break-up with her college boyfriend, swearing boys off (for good, she says), me, who's never good enough and only lives because of my sister's money, and my online shops, Mindy, who's a constant fixture in rehab, and Drake, who barely made it to college. Kim really wanted to get away from us all.

"So, anyway," Leigh said, starting another conversation, "Carol, you were talking to Mark's cousin at the reception, huh?"

"Robbie, yes," I answered, "You know him?"

"No, not really," She said, "But Mark introduced him to us back at the wedding...And Kim whispered in my ear that he has Asperger's..." She said, "You better be careful, I mean, be gentle with the guy...I know you can charm anyone you want, but this one's different..."

"Honestly, Leigh, I wasn't even thinking about that," I said, glancing at "Brida" on the center table, "He just lent me a book...and helped me get away from Kim's grit."

She smiled, "Whatever you say..." She went on, "I'd call the Pizza place for dinner, I'm in no mood for cooking."

"When were you ever in the mood?" Mindy quipped.

"Shut it, Minds." Leigh finished.

~3~

"So when was the passion

when you need it the most

you kick off the leaves and

the magic is lost..."

-Daniel Powter, "Bad day"

Two days later, I was looking for the copy of "Brida" which Robbie lent me. I knew I was reading it last night by the mezzanine, it should just be there. But here I am, hours later, and almost turned the whole house round without finding the book. I then realized I haven't checked Mindy's room yet, or asked her, for that matter. I went upstairs again and started knocking on her door.

"Minds?" I called out, "Minds, it's Caroline, I was just wondering if you saw a book—"

"It's only 4pm, Carol, what again?"

Typical Mindy. She never wakes up early, I thought. "I was asking if you saw a book, Brida, I think I left it by the mezzanine last night..."

"Oh, yeah," She said from her room, "Wait a sec—"

Seconds later, she opened the door and she emerged, wearing nothing but an oversized shirt and her short-shorts, hair all over the place. "Here," She said, as she groggily handed me the book, which made my eyes go wild: the cover was torn in half, the pages were wet,

and it smelled of...chardonnay.

"Minds—" I muttered, but she had already locked her door. "Oh, Lord." I sighed as I went down the stairs, figuring out what should be done with the book. I then saw my brother coming from the kitchen, frozen Lasagna fresh from the oven in his hands. He gave me a little smile before almost making his way up the stairs again.

"Where are you going?"

"To my room," He answered.

"No, you're not," I said, "You haven't been out of it all day. Come here." I said, motioning for him to sit down beside me at the sofa.

"Carol, I'm tired, I just wanna rest, I don't have classes—"

"Resting? Since last night?" I asked, "Or no, make that every night that you're here this past month."

He sighed and went up to me, "What do you want?"

"You're sulking," I said, "You and Pia broke up, didn't you?"

"It's really none of your business."

"Maybe," I told him, "But I care."

"Thanks, but—"

"Sit down."

"Caroline, I'm going to—"

"Okay, I'll let you mope, but can you please just sit down first?"

He sighed heavily, "Fine," He said, and sat down beside me, putting the Lasagna down on the table.

"So?" I said.

"So what?"

"What happened?"

"Nothing," He answered, "She said it wasn't gonna work anymore, she's busy with school, can't find time for...for me."

"Oh."

"I'm fine, though, we both are..."

"You're fine?"

"Yeah, I mean, we're still friends..."

"Still friends?" I said, "You still talk?"

"Yes, almost every night..."

I sighed, "Still saying I love you's and stuff?"

"Yeah, I mean, I do...She does, sometimes—"

"Drake!" I said, "Denial will only make things worse."

"I'm not denying anything—"

"Yes, you are." I told him, "And the fact that you're denying that is denial in itself."

"Oh, Carol, don't go philosophical on me."

"Sweetie, I'm just concerned. I know how these things go."

"How do you know?"

"Been there, remember?" I said, "I wasted almost a year of my life thinking this guy and I were gonna get back together. I was going for someone who no longer loved me, hear that?"

"It's different for everyone."

"I know it is." I said, "But, Drake, you have to give yourselves sometime. You can't just be friends friends that easily without giving yourself time to heal. It just won't work."

"I love her."

"I know you do," I said, "But sometimes...things like these are unhealthy. You need a break. Denial would just ruin things. You can't expect things to be as they were before. She's not meant for you," I went on, "At least not right now."

"We made a promise."

"Well," I said, "People in relationships do, but sometimes, things happen...people could grow apart, and promises could be broken." I told him and saw the disbelief on his face, "You refuse to believe me, don't you?"

He didn't answer. "What are you doing down here, anyway?"

"Trying to think of what to do with this book..."

"Ooh," He said as he saw the condition of the book, "What happened?"

"Mindy." I just said.

"Sorry 'bout that."

"Yeah, whatever," I said, "You know, Drake, you better cook dinner or something. Leigh won't be home til midnight. And you know I can't cook to save our lives..."

He sighed, "You know, Carol, sometimes I forget you're older than me."

"You're a dude," I told him, "Give in to the ladies."

He just sighed, stood up, and made his way to the kitchen. I, however, took my phone from my pocket, looked for Robbie's name on the contact list and pressed "dial." It took a couple of rings before he finally answered his phone.

"Robbie?"

"Y-yes?"

"Robbie, hi, it's Caroline...remember me? From the wedding?"

"Y-yes, of course...did you read the book?"

"About that, yeah..." I said, glancing at the tarnished book on the table, "It was good, uhm, I actually called to tell you that I wanna return it to you tomorrow, would that be okay?"

"S-sure," He said, "B-but can we just...just meet up here at home? I am not gonna do anything...it's just that...I c-can't handle crowds so much and—"

"It's okay, Robbie," I said, "I understand. We could meet up there. Just text me the details in a bit, okay?"

"Okay..." He said, "Uhm, I actually found something for you...I wanted to call you but I...I didn't know if...if it was okay..."

"Of course it's okay," I told him, "Oh, and what is it?"

"I...I can't tell you, it's a surprise."

"A surprise," I muttered, "Wow. I'd love that."

"I...I hope so..."

"I sure would."

"O..okay...uhm, can I go now? I..n-need to...to get the burgers from the oven..."

"Sure," I told him, "Don't forget to text me your address, ok? See you tomorrow, Rob..."

"See you." He said, and I heard the final click.

I then turned to my brother, "Drake, you're driving me tomorrow to Robbie's place, okay?"

"What?" Robbie asked from the kitchen, "Why?"

"Well, because you know that I don't have a car, and you, my dear, got no classes till 4pm...meaning it would be perfect." I said and added, "Oh, and I happen to know, too, that you never make it a point to be early for your classes."

"Geez, Carol. Fine. Whatever you say."

"Thanks, dear brother!" I laughed.

~4~

"Nothing's gonna change my world"

\--The Beatles, "Across the Universe"

Robbie's apartment was situated in Central Park. It was chic, I thought as I got out of Drake's car.

"Do I need to pick you up here later, too?" Drake asked.

"Nah," I said, "I don't know what time I'll be goin' home..." I answered, "Thanks, Drake. Don't go home too late, okay?"

"Yeah," He said, "Take care."

"Bye." I gave him a little wave before I went up the stairs to look for Robbie's unit. 3-C, he said on the text he sent me last night. I found it after a few minutes, and knocked on the door.

"Rob?" I said, "It's Caroline."

Seconds later, he opened the door. Honestly, I thought he looked over-dressed for such a casual occasion: Pink long-sleeved top, gray slacks, leather shoes. It was like he was going for a job interview or something.

"H-hi." He said silently.

"Hi." I smiled and gave him a hug.

"Come in," He said and led me inside.

"Wow," I muttered as I saw the grand bookcase in his living room—it was like, every book in the world was there. "These are all yours?"

He nodded his head, "There are more in my room..."

"Wow." I smiled, "Definitely a wide reader, huh?"

He smiled meekly.

"Uhm..uh, sit down?"

"Thanks." I said and sat down on the couch.

"I...I made some tea," He told me, "Let me get it..."

"Okay." I smiled a little. Tea? I thought. Most of the guys I went out with offered me beer, or wine, or soda. Never Tea. But well, I'm not going out with Robbie...we're just...friends. Maybe, not even so much. We just met a few days back at my sister's wedding, he lent me a book, and now I'm returning it to him.

"It's milk tea, really delicious, good for the body," Robbie returned, holding a tray with a teapot and two little cute cups on it. He poured tea on one and gave it to me.

"This is nice," I told him.

He smiled as he sat down next to me, "So, did you like Brida?"

I almost spit the tea when he said that. "Uh, yes," I said, slowly opening my bag, "It was good..." I said as I pulled out the book and handed it to him. I saw the look in his eyes as he saw his now damaged book. "I'm really sorry," I told him, "It's my sister, Mindy. Remember? At the wedding? The one who was drunk and—"

"I trusted you." He said.

"Rob, I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to, I could pay for it or buy you another one—"

"It's not about that!" He said loudly, "I...I trusted you. And this book means a lot to me, my mom gave it to me shortly before she died and now..." Tears welled up in his eyes. I cupped my hands over my mouth.

"I'm sorry..." I said earnestly as I placed a hand over his shoulder, "Believe me, I'd do anything to—"

"Y-you don't know how much this means to m-me..." He cried, "My mom gave it to me. My mom gave it to me..."

"Rob,"

He was crying now, and I was feeling panicky. He fell to the floor and rocked himself, "You're...you're thinking I'm a crazy person, a baby, crying over a book!" He cried.

"No, no, Rob," I said, sitting on the floor beside him, "I am not thinking about it that way...Believe me, I know how you feel. And...and it pains me knowing I caused this..."

He wasn't speaking, just rocking himself, like...like he was lost in space.

I took a deep breath, "You know what, Robbie? Years ago, I had this...this music box. My dad gave it to me because he always said I was his song. He used to be in a band and...my name, Caroline, it's from Carol, meaning, a hymn...so he gave me the music box on my 7th birthday and for years, it was my most precious possession. Until my sister, Kim, destroyed it years ago. Some two years ago...She was mad at me for almost flunking college, and screwing up on my first job...She...she threw the music box in my room, and...And it has never been okay since. I actually haven't seen it since after that incident..." I went on, "And you know what? As much as it hurts, sometimes we have to accept the fact that sometimes, we lose the things we love most." I looked at him, "I'm really sorry about the book, Robbie, please, please forgive me. I promise...I...I won't make you cry again."

It took a while for Robbie to say or do anything, but he finally nodded his head.

"Friends?" I asked.

Robbie nodded his head, "W-wait," He said, "I'll get my...my surprise for you."

"Okay." I smiled a bit as he stood up and went to his room. A few seconds later, he came back, holding a battered, old copy of Lewis Carrol's "Alice in Wonderland."

"It was my great-great grandmother's, but I'm giving it to you now since Alice is your favorite..."

"It's beautiful," I told him as he gave me the book, "Robbie, you didn't have to..."

"I want to," He said, "I...I don't have many friends and...and I just thought of thanking you for talking to...to me...at the wedding."

I smiled, "You're sweet."

He smiled a bit, "Uhm, I sh-shall get the cookies..."

"Let me help you." I said and he helped me stand up. We went to the kitchen together, got the cookies from the oven and were on the way back to the living room when someone rang the doorbell.

He looked at me, "You with anyone?"

"No," I said, putting down the bowl of cookies at the center table.

"W-wait." He said, opened the door and we were both surprised to see who came: Mark and Kim.

"Hey," Mark greeted as he saw me.

"What in the world?" Kim said as she laid her eyes on me.

"She's my friend—" Robbie told her.

In a matter of seconds, she managed to bring me into one corridor of the room while Mark and Robbie were talking.

"Wormed your way into his life, have you?" Kim told me in hushed tones.

"We met at your wedding, he lent me a book, and now I'm here to return it," I said, "Honestly, Kimmie, I can't see what the fuss is about."

"Do not mess with him." She said, "He's sick."

"He's a smart man, Kim," I said, "And I'm not planning to do anything."

"Oh really?" She said sarcastically.

"Stop acting like you know me, Kim. You don't."

She looked at me, as if trying to digest everything I said. "You," she said, "and all my other sisters...you're all the same. If I know, you were probably laughing at me last Sunday—"

"Stop being paranoid," I told her, "And stop making a big deal out of things."

"You can leave now, we're fine..." Robbie called out. Kim gave me one disdainful look while Mark gave me a nod before they finally walked out the door.

"Sorry about my sister," I told Robbie, "She can be...very much on everyone else's business..."

"Mark usually goes here," He said, "He...well...my...my mom, before she died, she told him to...t-to look after me."

"Oh." Was all I could say. Who knew Mark was capable of looking after someone other than himself?

"...Mark told me you knew each other from before...that...t-that you w-were...almost together..."

I looked at him, "Yeah," I said, "It's been a long time...and...it was just a few kisses, nothing more."

"Did you...did you have...sex?" He asked, "I'm sorry, that was—"

"It's okay," I said, "And no, we didn't." I told him.

"Why?"

I shrugged, "Why would we?"

"S-sorry about the question."

I smiled a bit, "No worries." I said.

"L-let's...let's eat the cookies, it's almost 5, we have to..."

"Yes," I said, "Let's."

~5~

"We're all genetically flawed—that's what makes us human."

\--Nicole Richie, "The Truth about Diamonds"

When I got home that night, I found Leigh by the dining table, smoking a cigarette. In that instant, I knew that there was something wrong. Leigh never smoked unless she was feeling sad, or panicky, or scared. Or when she's mad about something. I put my bag down in one of the dining chairs.

"Leigh?" I asked, tapping her on the shoulder, "What's going on?"

"Nothing," She said, pushing down the cigarette on her ashtray.

"Come on," I said, "spill."

She sighed, "Mom called," She told me, "Oh God, I feel like such a failure."

"Don't say that," I told her, "You know that's not true. If anyone's a failure, it would be me..."

"Shut up," She said.

"So, what did mom say?"

She looked at me, "That it was my fault that Kim's wedding was kind of a disaster...That I shouldn't have brought Mindy along—"

"She is such a hypocrite," I said.

"Ssh," Leigh said, "She's still our mom."

"But come on, Leigh, look at what she's saying. Of all people who could say that, she does. I can't believe her."

"Oh, you know how she could be."

"Yeah, Kimmie sure got her genes."

She laughed, "So, you went to Robbie's place?"

"Yep."

"How did it go?"

"Good," I said, "Except for the part that he cried because of what happened to his copy of Brida, but I handled it..."

"What happened?"

"Oh, uhm, Mindy...she uhm, took it in her room and...spilt chardonnay...destroyed the cover..."

"Oh, Carol, I'm so sorry, I'll talk to her."

"No, it's okay," I said, "Don't worry, Leigh, it's fine." I went on, "But guess who I saw in there..."

"Who?"

"Kim."

"Our Kim?"

"Yeah, with Mark," I told her, "They were visiting. Can you believe Robbie's mom told Mark to look after him?"

"Wow."

"Yeah," I said, "Wow."

"So, let me guess, Kim made a scene?"

"Hmm...well, she did pull me into a corner and told me to go gentle on the guy, that he's sick, blah blah blah..."

"Typical Kim."

I laughed, "Yeah."

She took a deep breath, "Carol, do you think I'm a bad sister?"

"What? Come on, Leigh, stop with the pity party," I told her and held her hand, "You're the best, how many times will I have to tell you that? Don't let mom get to you..."

"It's just that Mindy's been relapsing all these years and...And I have no idea what to do anymore."

"Oh, Leigh..." I said, giving her a hug, "We really don't know how Mindy feels. I mean, yeah, sure we're trying to understand her, but we're not the ones who found out after 17 years that she's not her dad's daughter. It must be...tough. Maybe, more than tough."

She smiled a bit, "I just wish things get better."

I squeezed her hand, "I hope so, too."

"Thanks, Carol," She said and smiled a little. She threw away her cigarette, got her bag from one of the chairs and gave me a peck on the cheek. "I have to go." She said.

"Go?"

"I'm going to," She paused and then, "meet someone."

"Oh, okay, take care, Leigh..."

"Thanks, C..." She said and in a matter of seconds, she got out of the house. I then heard my other sister, Mindy, going down the stairs. She then went to the kitchen, gave me a little nod and proceeded on opening the fridge and the cabinets. After a few minutes, she looked distraught.

"Oh, crap," She said and looked at me, "Alicia threw away my supplies, didn't she?" By supplies, she means her alcoholic drinks.

I shrugged, "She was just doing her job." I said.

"Of what? Looking after me?" She said sarcastically, "Oh, please, Caroline, why don't you allow me to drink...even just a few?"

"I can't, Minds, sorry," I said, stood up and made my way to the fridge, "However...we can have some Mango ice cream..." I smiled, took the goblets and teaspoons from the cabinet and scooped some. I handed her a glass and she looked at me curiously as she sat down.

"I know it's not as exciting as vodka or something," I told her, "But we did love ice cream when we were kids...And Mango's your favorite, remember?"

She laughed a little, "Oh, well..." She muttered.

A few spoonfuls went by without anyone speaking. And then she spoke.

"So," Mindy asked, "How's daddy?"

"He's...okay," I answered unsurely, "Honestly, I don't know, Mindy...Dad never talks to anyone that much anymore. He mostly wants to be...left alone."

She just nodded her head. "I bet he's ashamed of me." She said sadly.

"No, he's not."

"I'm embarrassed of myself, you know?"

"Mindy, it wasn't your fault."

She shook her head, "You have no idea how it feels."

"I know," I said, "But it's still not your fault."

"And dad still got hurt," She answered, "Will always be bounded by that hurt."

I just bit my lip. Did you," I asked, "ever tried to find him...your...your real father?"

"No," She said with a finality, "I don't want to see him. He's an ass...getting a married woman pregnant, running away...Dad trusted him, you know? He was their gardener for years...and what did he do? I'd slap him in the face if I ever get to see him."

"Sorry." I said.

She shook her head, "I'll just be in my room," She said, "I have movies to watch."

And I watched her walk away.

~6~

"I want a love that will last..."

-Renee Olstead, "A love that will last"

Robbie and I started hanging out after that day in his house. Well, not really hang-out "hang-out", but we saw each other often. Sometimes I'd stop by his place, other times we'd call each other and talk. It wasn't like my other relationships—fiery at first, then the following day, it's like you didn't know each other anymore. It was different with Robbie, though.

That afternoon, I was about to leave the house to go to this wedding expo (I'm a common fixture at those stuff, too. Not that I'm getting married soon; I just enjoy being there) when someone knocked on the door. "Just a sec!" I called out as I went down the stairs. I opened the door and was surprised to find Mark there. "Mark." I said. He then pursed his lips to the guy beside him: Robbie, standing there, looking fidgety. "Robbie, hey..." I greeted.

"He wanted to see you," Mark said, in hushed tones, "So, yeah, I brought him here."

"Oh," I said, "Hi, Robbie."

"I-I'm s-sorry for barging in, I just—" Robbie said.

"It's okay," I said, meaning it.

"Y-you look like you're going somewhere, sorry, I should've called, I'll—"

"No, no, no," I said, holding his hand, "It's okay. I'm actually going to an...exhibit, you can come with me."

"You're...you're sure about that?"

"Of course I am," I smiled.

"I'll bring you guys there. I'm done with my work for the day, anyway." Mark offered.

"No, it's okay, we can take a cab," I said, closing the door behind me.

"Nah," He said, "I insist. After all, he's my responsibility." He told me silently.

"Oh," I said, "Okay then..." I smiled at Robbie, "Let's go?"

He just nodded his head, "Will...Will there be many people?"

"No, not much," I said, "Don't worry, I'm here."

"O...okay." He said, without looking at me and we went inside Mark's car, going away.

***

"I super like Grecian dresses, they're very elegant," I told Robbie as we were in front of a mannequin wearing a Grecian-inspired dress, "But I don't think I'd wear them on my wedding day...I'm thinking more of a Pristine cut one..."

"Are...are y-you g-getting married soon?" Robbie asked.

"Oh, no," I answered, "I don't have a boyfriend so I really don't think I could get married soon...This is just one of my weird obsessions, wedding expos, wedding things..."

"Hello, beautiful people," One of the usherettes greeted as as we walked by, "Wedding prep? We have packages here..."

"Thanks," I smiled, "But he and I," I paused, "Aren't together..."

"Oh," The usherette's face fell, "You look good together, you know? Dating?" She smiled.

"T-that's not a good thing," Robbie said, "You j-just can't assume things."

Uh-oh, I thought and smiled to his rescue, "My friend is just having a bad day..." I told the usherette silently.

"Oh." She said, "Well then, have a good day."

I smiled a bit and we continued walking, my hand linked to his arm.

"Y-you didn't have to tell her I was having a bad day, I enjoy being with you, I w-wanted to see you—"

"I know, Rob," I said, "But...it would be complicated telling them all about your condition..."

"Are you ashamed?"

"No," I said, "It's just that not everyone's smart enough to handle it, you know what I mean?"

He just nodded his head nervously.

"Come on," I told him, "Let's not waste our time on that...There are beautiful flowers out there..." I said and pointed to the pathway with different flower arrangements. I held his hand and we went there.

"I love Pink Roses," I told him as we stopped by a grand Pink Rose arrangement. "I've never really been a fan of red ones, you know? They're too common."

"I...I agree," He said, "You know, my mom used to have a Rose garden, and there were no Red Roses."

"Wow," I exclaimed, "Really?"

"Y-yes," He answered as we continued walking, "Her favorite were the Blue ones..."

"Blue Roses!" I exclaimed, "They're rare, and fragile, too, I might add, but very beautiful, which reminds me," I said, "I found a dried Rose in the Alice book you gave me..."

"Oh, yes, my mom used to do that, press Roses on books..."

"That was Blue, I suppose?"

He nodded his head, "I t-think it was."

I smiled, "I would've loved to have met your mom."

"I think she will like you, if she was alive..."

"You're lucky though," I told him, "Someone's watching you from above..."

He smiled a bit.

"So, what happened to your mom's Rose garden?"

"N-no one was able to keep it alive," He answered, "A-and eventually...I had to leave the house, I couldn't pay for the mortgage..."

"I'm sorry," I said softly, "Where's your dad, by the way?"

"He...left us when...w-hen he f-found out about my condition."

"What an asshole!" I said.

"It's okay, don't worry."

"He doesn't deserve a son like you, you know?"

"I...I wanna meet him, though."

"Why?"

"To see how he is," He answered, "To let him know that I'm okay, but that meeting him would be good, too. But if I d-don't, then that's okay, too."

"Wow."

"Wow?"

"You're just a really good person," I told him, "I mean, most people wouldn't wanna see their fathers, in a situation like yours...My sister doesn't wanna see her...her real father."

"Real father?"

"Oh, it's...Mindy, she...she's the daughter of another guy. Oh, well, nevermind..."

"Oh," He just said.

"So, you're not angry at your dad?"

"I'm j-just sad because he left my mom, and she loved him a lot...but...I don't know him, I was barely two when he left." He paused, "I d-don't think you could get mad at someone you don't even know."

I nodded my head. He was right. It made sense.

"Did you read "The Wedding?" He asked.

Change of subject. But well, of course, we'll talk about books. Books are his life.

"Nicholas Sparks' The Wedding?" I asked.

"Y-yes, that...I just r-remembered 'coz we are in this wedding expo..."

"Oh, yes," I told him, "One of my favorites...I always wished for my own Noah Calhoun, I mean, yes, the book is about Jane and Wilson, but in the end, there's still Noah and Allie—"

"And the swan."

"Yes, the swan," I said and smiled, "It was beautiful, wasn't it? I wonder if there are still guys like that." I then looked at him, "Well...maybe there still are some..." I squeezed his arm.

And for the first time, I saw him smile. Not just a simple, nervous smile, but a real one...You know, with the eyes lighting up and stuff. And tell you what, For the first time in a long time, I found myself smiling that way, too.

~7~

"No matter how bad things get,

it can always get worse." - Cinderella's stepmom., "Ever After"

I gave Mark and Robbie a little wave before I heard the car going away and I opened the door of Leigh's house. I found Leigh just getting off the windowsill and Mindy sitting by the sofa, again, legs sprawled on the center table.

"Was that Mark?" Leigh asked.

"Yes," I answered.

"Ooh, Caroline's going for Kim's husband!" Mindy said loudly, "Scandalous!"

"Oh, hey, wait, I'm not," I said, "He just dropped me off, he's bringing Robbie home, they're cousins, remember?"

"Whoa," Mindy said, "Well, you should've congratulated him, then..."

"Congratulated him?" I asked, confused, "Why?"

"Kim's pregnant." Leigh answered.

"Wow," I said, "How far along is she? A few weeks? A month or so?"

Mindy laughed, "A month?" She repeated, "No! Almost five months now..."

"Five?" I said, surprised, "Five months? And she's only been married for what? Almost two? Wow," I muttered, "I can't believe it. I mean, after all her stance against doing "it" before marriage? Wow."

"Well, life's full of surprises..." Leigh jibed and we laughed. She went on, "She took a leave from the office and said that, well, she's expecting. Lucky for her, it's quite a small pregnancy so she pulled off getting married without anyone noticing...but now she's showing so..."

"Her hormones were pretty nasty, if you ask me..." I said, sitting next to Mindy who laughed so hard.

Someone then knocked on the door. "I'll get it," I told them. I opened the door and saw Drake's friends-Leo and Zach, holding Drake by their shoulders.

"Christ, what happened?" Leigh asked as she saw them, and helped them in.

"He got really drunk," Zach explained, "He saw Pia with another guy and he just became...really, really mad, and depressed all over again."

"Pia?" Leigh asked, "What happened?"

"They've broken up," I answered.

"Oh." Pia said, "Come on then, bring him to his room...I'll get some ice and stuff, Minds, help them."

But Mindy was already by the stairs, allowing the guys to go up, "So bad he didn't ask me for tips when it comes to drinking!" She quipped.

Leigh shot her a dagger look.

"Sorry." She winked and we all brought Drake to his room.

"Pia..." Drake muttered, half-asleep.

"Ssh," I said, "You'll be fine." I held his hand.

~8~

"..In my head

I wanna drown my sorrow,

no tomorrow, no tomorrow"

-Tears for fears, Mad World

The following morning, my brother, Drake, went to the dining room, holding his head. I poured some coffee in his mug.

"Figured you needed something to perk you up," I smiled.

He smiled a little, "Thanks." He said and sat down across me.

"You okay?"

He nodded his head, "Just a little hung-over..."

"Must be," I said and drank some coffee, "You were so wasted!"

"Sorry." He said.

"Don't be." I told him.

"Where's Leigh?" He asked.

"She went out early, but she'll be back by lunch, she just texted me...And Mindy's in her room, painting." I answered, "I, however, I'm not going anywhere."

He looked at me.

"What happened?" I asked.

"We were texting," He told me, "And then she asked me where I was, and I told her I was at this restaurant...then asked her if she wanted to come. Then she came, with this guy, who's like, total bogus, and they were holding hands! Goddammit, it was the place where we met!" He sighed, "Then I flared up and punched the dude in the face...And then The guys and I went to a bar and you know what happened..."

"Well," I finally said, "You can't hold that against Pia..."

"But it hurt!" He said, "I thought she'd respect the...the meaning of that place. I mean, she made a promise. It was supposed to be forever. We were supposed to be forever."

"Okay," I said, "I know it hurts. It does, so much, doesn't it? But...that's it, Drake, she made a promise. She's not making any now. She made those promises when you were together, not now that you no longer are. And," I said, "as much as that hurts, sometimes, you just have to accept the fact that...it's over. I know it won't be easy, it never really is, but sometimes, things like these happen because," I paused and then, "people make them happen."

"People...make them happen?" He repeated, "you mean, on purpose, to make me angry or something?"

"Yes."

"Whoa." He said, "How do you know?"

I took a deep breath, "Tom." I told him and his mouth gaped open before he nodded his head. Tom was my first boyfriend, the guy who gave me all my first big heartbreaks, the guy who made me flare up so much I almost swore off guys, the one whom I thought was "the one". One day, a couple of months after we broke up, he went to my birthday party, another girl clinging to his arm. I was so flustered and frustrated, I wanted to kill him. Or kill the girl. Or kill them both. I was a total, emotional wreck. But, after that night, I told myself I would no longer cry for him; it would just be unfair, for me. How can someone like that deserve my tears?

So, I worked my way up, buried myself in my studies, buried myself in partying, burning the phone lines, hanging out, making new friends...And in time, I realized that although, yes, it was quite a painful experience, and yes, he was such an ass for doing that, a part of me also knew that I couldn't hold that against him—because we were no longer together and because the time that we shared was up. I could no longer be mad at him for dating someone else, or hanging out with someone else, and I could no longer be mad at him for what he did because then, what if it was me who wavered first?

Bottomline is, in life, most things come to an end.

"Was it hard?" Drake asked, "You know, with Tom?"

"Definitely," I answered, "You sure know I was devastated. But the thing is, Drake, that's it, you can't hold on to this bitterness and anger forever. You have to try to let go, and move on, no matter how long it might take...because, sooner or later, you'll realize that things like that happen all the time. And, in every relationship you'd make, or that will happen to you, there's always that certainty that it could end. You could only hope for the best, you know?"

"I'm not sure if I'll be okay." He said.

"You won't be," I said, then he looked at me, surprised. I went on, "But you'll be better...Greater."

He then smiled, "How do you know?"

"You're my brother," I said, "You'll get through this."

~9~

"At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one." –Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill

Later that day, Mindy, Drake and I came home from the grocery when I found someone standing in our front porch, holding a bouquet of Pink Roses, and was, in every way, shaky and fidgety. It was Robbie.

I instantly ran to him and almost dropped the bag of groceries I was holding (thank God Drake caught it). "Robbie?" I said, "Oh my God, are you okay? How did you get here?"

"I...I took a c-cab..." He answered.

"Why didn't you call me?" I asked and noticed that Mindy has opened the door. I took Robbie in with me while Mindy and Drake went to the dining room.

"I'm s-sorry I didn't call, I wanted to surprise you...Is today a bad day?"

"No," I said, "No, of course not..."

"These are for you," He said as he handed me the bouquet of Roses.

I smelled it and smiled, "Thank you," I told him, "They're beautiful."

"I just wanted to say that," He said, a bit nervously, "that...I...I like you."

"You do?"

He nodded his head, "Y-yes," He said, "I...I know books are...are my life, that I talk about them all the time, and...and I may not know what...w-what love is...but...But I enjoy being with you. I l-like t-talking to you, I like those little conversations we have, I like every single time we spent together, and h-hopefully w-will spend together...And I...I don't really know what you'd think of that or... or of m-me. B-but I like you, and that is just...that's how I feel. I know I'm different and I'm not like anybody else—"

"Ssh," I told him, and held his hands, "I like you because you're not like anybody else." I smiled.

"You like me?" He asked, "As in, you like me, t-too?"

"Yes, I do." I smiled.

"Wow."

"Wow?"

"N-no one has...has ever told me that b-before. Ever."

I tapped him on the shoulder, "It's because they're not brave enough to say so."

He smiled. "S-so....is this the...the part where we k-kiss? Like...like in the m-movies?"

I laughed and kissed him on the lips. His lips were soft. "I guess I just answered your question." I smiled at him.

He smiled back, "I...T-that was...my...that's my first kiss."

"Oh." I exclaimed, "I hope that was good then."

"It was," He said, "R-really." And then he leaned in and kissed me.

I smiled, "That's not my first," I said, "But that is by far, the best."

***

Later on, Robbie and I were sitting by the sofa as I was handing him a copy of Jodi Picoult's "My Sister's Keeper".

"It's my favorite book," I told him, "If you saw the movie and thought it was tragic, wait til you finish this one. Way tragic, and much more beautiful, honestly."

"Thanks," He smiled, "Do you like tragic stories?"

"A lot," I said, "I mean, life for me isn't all about happy endings and stuff...and yes, I do believe in hopes and dreams, pixie dust, those things, but...there's this part of me who could relate to tragedy."

"Life is a tragedy..." He muttered.

"Yeah," I said, "But you know, there are good stuff, like you." I nudged him.

He smiled, "Are you sure about us?"

"Of course," I answered, "Why won't I be?"

Before he could say anything else, my sister, Leigh went inside the house. "You guys home?" She called out then saw us at the sofa. "Oh, hey," She greeted, "Robbie, right?"

Robbie stood up and shook Leigh's hand nervously, "H-hi, I was just v-visiting..."

"That's okay," Leigh smiled and noticed that he was holding a copy of My Sister's Keeper, "That's Carol's favorite book." Leigh said, "My sister's tragic." She winked.

"Oh," Robbie said.

"She's just joking." I smiled.

"Oh," Robbie muttered, "I...I actually c-came by to tell Caroline that I like her..."

"Oh," Leigh said.

"Enough with the "Oh's" please," I told them, "And well, I told him I liked him, too." I smiled.

"That's," Leigh said, "Sweet."

I smiled. This was awkward. Mainly because a revelation like this never happened in front of Leigh before, or in our house, for that matter, and well, because Robbie is different, literally and figuratively.

"A-anyway, I t-think I should go, I'd just g-get a cab—" Robbie said.

"Oh, I'll go with you," I said, "Wait up—"

"No, no, no, guys," Leigh said, "Why don't I just drive you home, Robbie? Then Carol could come with us."

"Perfect!" I exclaimed, "Leigh's the best." I told Robbie.

"R-really?" Robbie asked Leigh, "Y-you don't have to..."

"No, I want to," Leigh smiled, "Shall we?"

"Come on," I told Robbie.

"Thanks." Robbie said.

Leigh smiled, "Minds?" She called out.

"What?" Mindy shouted from her room.

"We'll just be out, ok? Be back in a bit. Don't leave the house without telling Drake...or better yet, don't leave the house at all."

"Whatever you say, sister!" Mindy shouted and we left.

~10~

"If the London bridge is falling,

will anybody hear a sound

if you follow that sunset

will it ever end

oh, does the moonlight shine on Paris

will it ever end.." –Peter Mayer, "Moonlight Over Paris"

We were on our way back home when Leigh and I started talking.

"He's a lovely man," Leigh said while driving.

"He is." I smiled from the backseat.

"So," She said, "You told him you liked him?"

"Yes."

"And...that's the truth, right?"

"Yeah."

"You know about his condition..."

"I do."

"So..." She said, "How's that?"

"Well, it's part of him," I answered, "And to be quite honest, Leigh, I have no idea what's gonna happen in the long run. I mean, I like being with him, not just because he's different, and he's really not like the other guys, but because being with him feels like...like I'm beginning to know what I really wanna do."

"And what is that?"

"I don't know," I said, "Be a counselor or something...I know it took me a while to figure that out but all these time I've been spending with him, it's like, it makes me want to help people..."

"Does he know?"

"About that?"

"Yeah, and about you being a Psych grad and all..."

"Well, we haven't really talked about it, but it's no big deal..."

Silence and then, "Did he tell you he loves you?"

"No," I answered, "He told me frankly that he didn't know what love is...but who does?"

I saw Leigh smile from the side mirror.

"Leigh, he's not like everyone else, and I like him for it."

"I know you do," Leigh said.

"You know, people with Asperger's go on with their lives well, they have families, jobs, those stuff..." I said, "So, I'm not worried about that. We will never be like all these other couples, but that's fine. He's good enough for me. More than good enough. He makes me dream, you know? He keeps me believing, he just...he has so much faith in me."

"I'm happy for you, C," She said, "You know I am. I just hope that...that you won't get heartbroken. Or that he won't."

"Thanks, Leigh," I said, "It's gonna be fine. I don't know what the future holds but...it's gonna be fine."

~11~

"Love doesn't always come in convenient packages." -Anonymous

A few months passed and Robbie and I were happy. Sure, it wasn't easy being his girlfriend: There were the occasional calls at wee hours of the night just because he wants to discuss a book, there were days when I'd go on about how my day was, and he'd only want to eat cookies, or talk about the latest bestseller, but it didn't change the fact that I liked him. A lot. He still hasn't told me he loves me, and I haven't either, but sometimes in life, words aren't really that important. What's important is how you feel, and what you do with it, and with the people you love.

It was almost 2am when I heard my phone ring. "Hello?" I answered groggily.

"Carol?" Robbie said on the other end, "Hey, I read a couple more Picoult books, they're all good, I wonder why I never read any before, aside from My Sister's Keeper, what else is your favorite?"

"Oh," I just said.

"Oh." He said too, "Oh, I'm...s-sorry, you must've been sleeping, I didn't mean to bother you, I j-just...Sorry."

"No, no, don't be," I said, "I'm just really tired but...why don't we see each other tomorrow, Robbie? Would you like that?"

"Yes, yes, of course, I'm sorry."

"It's okay," I said, "Get some rest, okay?"

"Yeah, you too." He said and then, "Sorry I didn't know t-that...I forgot I haven't told you it was my mom's death anniversary today."

"Oh, sorry." I said, "I didn't know. Would you like to talk about it?"

"No, it's fine," He answered, "Carol?"

"Yes?"

"Sorry if it's hard being with me."

"It's not, Robbie," I said.

"It is." He said, "But thank you...for...for s-staying with me."

"You don't have to thank me."

"Goodnight, Carol."

"Goodnight, Robbie."

***

We were talking by my porch the following afternoon, cookies and Mango shakes with us, when I asked him some things I've been meaning to ask him all along.

"Robbie," I said, "How's Mark as a cousin?"

"He's...he's good."

"Did he ever...uhm...did he ever badmouth you about you condition?"

"Never," He answered, "I—I know he seems l-like a jerk, and yeah, I t-thought about that, too, but he's a good guy, deep down. Or else my m-mom wouldn't have trusted him."

I smiled. Who knew? I nodded my head. "I never thought Mark was this responsible. Not until I got to know you."

He smiled a bit, "He has his...his bad days, you know? Especially when we were teens, but he has always been dependable when it comes to me. A-always."

"That's good to know." I said and then, "And...your mom? Why did she...die?"

"Cancer," He answered, "Brain Cancer."

"I'm sorry."

He shook his head, "We all die in the end." He looked at me.

"Yeah, we all do." I muttered, "So...you lived alone since she died?"

"No, uhm, for a year I lived with Mark, t-then I got the apartment..."

I nodded my head, "You miss her, don't you?"

"A lot." He answered, "She was my bestfriend. You're lucky you still have your mom."

I smiled a little and drank some Mango shake.

"Are you...are you close with your mom?" He asked.

"Well, not really," I answered, "Honestly, Rob, we haven't had a decent conversation in a while. She's...well, busy...busy with hanging out with her rich friends, busy with her what-nots and stuff...She uhm...She's not so proud of me."

"Why?"

"Because I messed up with my life."

"We all mess up."

"Yes," I said, "But...sometimes, when things are expected of you, and you let people down, they wouldn't forget it so easily."

"T-that must be tough."

"Yeah," I answered, "I'm lucky I have my siblings, though."

"Is it fun?" He asked, "Having...h-having them all?"

"Most days," I smiled, "I mean, those who live in this house, yes, but...not Kim, really. She and I never got along too well."

"Opposites."

"Yeah, that's what we are."

"What about your dad?"

I looked at him and then, "It's complicated. He's uhm, he hasn't been so...well since...since mom admitted to having an affair with someone back then, since she admitted that Mindy's not his daughter." I took a deep breath, "It's hard, both for him and Mindy. And it's sad because they used to be real close. It ain't so easy seeing your family fall apart..."

"Sorry."

"Nah, don't be." I told him, "Things happen."

"Do you ever wish you...you were born to a different family?"

"Sometimes," I said, "It would be so hypocritical of me to say otherwise. But, this is life, you know? You don't always get what you want. And you just have to deal with what you have. Besides, we did have our happy moments, and I'll always hold on to those...Even if it might not be the same anymore."

"T-they're lucky t-to have you."

I just smiled.

***

I gave Robbie a peck on the cheek as we went out the front door. Mark came to pick him up. "I'll see you again, okay?" I told him, "and thanks for the cookies, they were really good."

He nodded his head, "T-thanks, too," He said, "Bye."

"Bye." I said and waved goodbye.

"Hey," Mark told me as Robbie walked away and went inside the car.

"Hey." I shot back.

He put his hands in his pockets, "He really enjoys being with you, you know?"

"I enjoy being with him, too."

He nodded his head and glanced at Robbie, then turned back to me, "Listen," He said, "Can we meet up tomorrow?"

I looked at him, confused.

"I wanna talk about Robbie." He said.

"Oh," I muttered, "Yeah, sure."

"Café Luna, you know, that coffeeshop near his place? Around 6:30 pm?"

"Yeah, I'll be there."

"Thanks," He said, "See you." And then he went inside the car and drove away.

***

The day after that, Mark and I met up at the coffeshop. He ordered two mocha frappucinos and we sat down.

"So," I asked after sipping some coffee, "What did you want to see me for? What about Robbie?"

"I know he loves you," He said, "He may not be saying it, but I know he does. And...I know you feel something for him, too. And really, I wanna thank you because...because you're making him happy...but," He paused, "I do hope you know what you're doing, and that...that it's not just a game for you."

"Of course it's not," I said.

"Sorry if you feel like I'm misjudging you, Carol, it's just that...Robbie's like my brother, his mom asked me to look after him shortly before she died and...And I wouldn't be able to bear seeing him suffer."

"Look, Mark, I love him," I said, surprised at my own words, "And trust me, I won't do anything to hurt him. He means so much to me."

He smiled and sipped some coffee, "I also don't want you getting hurt, you know? I mean, because of his condition...He's a wonderful guy, definitely, but I know his condition makes things complicated for you," He said, "And for that, I'm sorry...but...but please, Carol, be patient with him. Remember why you enjoy being with him when it gets hard. And...whatever happens, I'm just around for you both."

I smiled, "Thanks," I said, "Don't worry too much."

He smiled back.

"You know what, Mark?" I said, "I never thought you could care about anyone this much. Really, this surprises me..."

He laughed, "We just didn't get to know each other that much," He said, "But that's fine...at least, you met Rob." He smiled.

I smiled back, "So, how are you and Kim?"

"We're good," He answered, "I mean, sure, her hormones are pretty awful, especially since she's pregnant, but I guess that's how it goes...Sorry, by the way, for what happened at the wedding..."

"That's okay," I said, "Not okay, okay, but it's done...besides, it was a blessing in disguise. I met Robbie."

He laughed, "That you did."

We were still chatting when someone pulled my hair from behind.

"You fucking whore!"

"AW-wait—"

"Kim!" I heard Mark shout and pull the woman from behind. Sure, it was Kim, looking flustered, her blonde hair a mess (funny how she's the only one who's blonde, all of us are brunettes), and her eyes flaring with anger as she held her now big tummy. Leigh was behind her, too, pulling her back, as well.

"Kim?!" I said, "What the hell?"

"I'm so sorry," Leigh said, "I told her not to come and—"

"Shut up, Alicia!" Kim screamed, the customers looking at her, "You're saying sorry to her?!" She then turned to me, "She should say sorry to me! Trying to steal my husband from under my nose, you're a slut, Caroline!"

"What?" I said, trying to digest her words.

"Kimmie!" Mark said, embarrassed and mad at the same time, "What are you doing?!"

"What am I doing?" She said as she looked at him, "What are you doing?!" She asked sarcastically, "You're having an affair with my sister—"

"CAROLINE AND I AREN'T HAVING AN AFFAIR!"

"Then why are you seeing each other?"

"I just wanted to talk to her about Robbie, they're seeing each other!"

Kim then looked at me, "You're dating Robbie? You whore!" She said, "And then what? You're going to leave him and go for Mark?"

"KIMMIE, STOP!" Mark shouted.

"YOU STOP!" Kim shouted back and looked at me again, "Robbie's sick, you slut, he's different, he's—"

"Yes, he's different," I said, "But I don't care. I love him."

"You do?! What do you know about love, huh? You don't know anything, you're trying to take advantage of...of a sick guy—"

"KIM!" Mark said.

Kim went on, "He's different! You shouldn't go play with his emotions, he's a sick guy—"

"He may be sick in your eyes, Kim," I said, "but to me, he's perfect. And he has more heart than you do. Oh, and you know what, Kim? Maybe you should stop being paranoid because then you'll see that not everyone's out there to get you, because seriously? No one would want to live a life like yours." I said then stormed out of the coffee shop.

***

"Carol!" Leigh called out after me as we arrived at home, "Carol, wait—" She said as she gripped me by the arm. Mindy went out of the dining room.

"Tell your freakin' sister," I said sarcastically, "That she should tart seeing a shrink. Or whatever. Just stop being such a bitch to me."

"I'm sorry," She said, "I tried to stop Kim from going to the café but she still did...She must be having a tough time with the pregnancy—"

"I wouldn't be doing what she's doing if I got pregnant."

"Carol,"

"Why does she think I'm always on her case?" I asked, "What have I done to her?"

"I'm sorry." Leigh said.

I sighed, "It's not your fault." I then heard my phone ring and I took it from my bag.

"Hello?" I greeted, sounding resigned.

"Carol?" It was Robbie. "Hey, uhm, I was just re-reading Eleven Minutes and—"

"For God's sake, Robbie, you can't just call me all the time just so you could discuss a book!"

"Oh, s-sorry, I...I'm sorry."

"No, no, no," I said, trying to calm myself down, "It wasn't your fault...It's just a bad day, Kim was accusing me of trying to steal Mark..."

"S-should I call Mark? Or Kim?"

"No, don't, it's okay, I'm okay," I said, "I'll just call you later, okay?"

"Okay."

And then I shut down my phone.

"God, I hate Kim!" I said then ran to my room.

~12~

"i'm getting old and I need something to rely on

this could be the end of everything,

so why don't we go, somewhere only we know.."

-Keane, "Somewhere only we know"

"Carol?" Robbie said as he answered my call.

"Hey," I said silently, "Sorry about what I said a while ago..."

"No, you were right," He said, "It's...it's not g-good trying to call people all the time just t-to discuss a book, I didn't know you...you were havin a b-bad day..."

"Sorry," I told him, "I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

"I'll...I"ll t-try to be m-more knowing of your n-needs next time..."

"It's alright, Robbie," I told him, "It really wasn't your fault. Kim's a bitch." He didn't say anything, "Sorry." I muttered.

"It's okay, you could tell me anything."

"I have no idea how her mind works, you know?" I told him, "She's always been...really bitchy when it comes to me. Always. Since we were little girls. And...And sometimes, like today, I just have no idea how to handle her. Accusing me of getting together with Mark! God."

"C-could I do anything to make it better?"

I took a deep breath, "Can you sing me to sleep?"

"Y-yeah," He said, "Of c-course.."

He started singing Keane's "Somewhere only we know" and minutes later, I drifted off to sleep.

~13~

"When you get what you want that's when you've got something to lose." –Anna Stern, The OC

A couple of days passed and things seemed to come back to the way they were, except for the fact that Mark and Kim were nowhere in sight, and I couldn't even care less. I was tinkering with my laptop that day, talking to clients via one of my online shops when someone knocked on the door.

"Wait," I said and went to open it. It was Mark.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him, "Maybe your wife would be here again soon."

"She's still your sister." He said.

I sighed and told him to come in, "What do you need?"

"I just wanted to say sorry." He said and looked at me, "What Kim did was wrong. I have no excuses about that but," He went on, "I talked to her, asked her what was really wrong, why she did that and..."

"And what?"

He paused and then, "And she said...she said she never really knew why but...but you have always seemed like...a threat to her. A reminder of everything bad in her life. Of everything she didn't get."

"Oh, wow, now she's an actress," I said sarcastically, "Seriously? Can't she think of anything better? I mean, come on, Mark, she has everything. She's smart, she has this big house she can live in anytime, she has you, she has mom's attention—"

"But she doesn't have many friends," He interrupted, "She doesn't feel so loved by everyone. She may have your mom's attention, yes, but she feels like, like she only gives her the time of the day because she is what she is, do you get it? Because she seems perfect, and smart, and all these stuff...Because she can give them what they think they want." He went on, "but it's not like that. To her, it never was. She always wanted your father's attention, and she never really got it, because, she was busy trying to impress your mom. And, she said...she never got a lot of suitors because they were into you, or to Leigh...or even Mindy."

I didn't know what to make of that but I tried to pacify myself, "Tell her," I said, "that it doesn't matter now because she got everything she ever wanted."

"Carol, she doesn't think she did."

"Oh and now she's having this pity-party so she could give reasons for what she did?"

"Carol, she's pregnant, she's hormonal..."

"She has been hormonal for all our lives!"

"I am trying to explain her side," He said, "She's my wife."

I sighed, "Did she ever say she was sorry? That she was wrong? That she should've tried to talk to me in a mellower way? That she should've trusted you? And me?"

"No, but—"

"See that's the problem, Mark," I said, "She never admits she's wrong. Her head is so up there."

"I know that," He said, "But I'm trying to understand. She's just...having a hard time right now."

I didn't say anything.

He changed the subject, "How are you and Robbie?"

"Good." I said.

"Kim was just—"

"Don't tell me she was worried."

"Right," He said, "I won't." He then took a deep breath, "I know it's hard right now...but, she's your sister. Always will be."

"You know what, Mark?" I said, "I may have grown up with her, but I never felt like she was my sister."

He shoved his hands in his pockets, "Will you want to talk to her?"

"I don't know." I said, "Maybe when she gets back to her senses."

"I know she won't say the word," He said, "But I could see that she's sorry."

"I am, too," I said, "For trying to think that she's smarter than me. That she understands better than me."

"Carol,"

I sighed, "Fine." I said, "Just because you're a good lawyer," I said with quotation marks in the air, "I'd try to understand her...or at least, try to see past through what she's done. I just have no idea if...if that would make anything better."

He nodded his head, "I'm sorry, for what she did."

I just bit my lip and took a deep breath, "Just...just take care of her," I said, "Make sure she and the baby are okay."

He nodded his head.

"Would you wanna eat anything?"

"No," He said, "I shall get going."

"Okay." I muttered.

"Sorry again."

"It wasn't your fault."

"Bye."

"Yeah, bye."

~14~

"A house doesn't make a home"

-U2, "Sometimes you can't make it on your own"

For some reason, mom and dad wanted to spend Sunday Brunch with us. I think, it was more of mom wanting to spend Sunday Brunch with us to tell us not to get on Kim's nerves so much and she just tagged dad along. Dad never wants to do so many things anymore, even seeing us.

Mom sipped some wine, "So, this house seems small for all for of you..." She said in her usual all-knowing tone.

"Mom, can you skip the wine?" Leigh asked silently, "I prepared some juice because Mindy's—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Mom said, waving her hand, "Who knows she might be in rehab again soon?" She quipped. Mindy was sitting across her.

I looked at Mindy and saw that she was trying to control her temper. Drake looked fidgety, too.

"So," Mom started again, "Drake, dear boy, how's school?"

"Fine," Drake said, "Almost flunked Bio but it went by fine..."

"Flunking's not okay!" Mom said. Frankly, this was one of her hypocritical moments—she barely passed college, just got in through appeal, and went out through appeal, as well.

"Mom, it's okay," Drake said, "I mean come on, I'm in the Varsity team. Dad, I'm in the varsity team, how's that?"

"Good." Dad muttered, his eyes not even landing at Drake. Drake looked at me and I shrugged.

"And your girlfriend, how is she?" Mom asked.

Drake almost spitted what he was drinking.

"They've broken up." I said, "It's been a few months now."

"A few months?!" Mom asked, "Why? What did you do?"

"Come on, mom," I said, "You can't blame us for every relationship that ended. What if it's the other party's fault?"

She shook her head, "You guys just don't know how to handle a relationship."

"Oh, please." I said sarcastically.

"Carol," Leigh muttered. "Dad do you want some bread?"

"No, I'm okay." Dad said. He hasn't eaten anything!

Mom took a deep breath, "So, anyway, I was at Kim and Mark's place yesterday and she looks like she's ready to pop," She went on, "And then she told me about what happened at this coffee shop..." She looked at me, "Caroline, why were you with Mark in the first place?"

"What did Kim tell you?"

"That you were with Mark," She answered, "Every married woman would do what she did."

"Mom, come on," I said, "Stop trying to justify Kim's behavior. Do you have any idea how many people were there? Do you know what she called me? She called me a whore, a slut—"

"Oh, stop with the nasty words."

"Jeez, mom, really?" I said mockingly, "Like, Kim ever told you she had a meltdown, at my expense? She told those words to me, mom, hello, I'm your daughter, too."

She rolled her eyes. "Where are you going, Miranda?" She asked as Mindy stood up from her seat, "I'm not done with you yet."

"Why?" Mindy finally spoke, "What are you gonna say? That I'm a useless, stupid alcoholic? That you never wanted me as your daughter? That that guy made you have me?"

"Mindy, mom, stop—" Leigh said. Dad accidentally dropped a glass of water.

"No, Leigh, I want her to admit it." Mindy said.

"It's none of your business," Mom said.

"It is my business because I'm your daughter!" Mindy shouted.

Dad stood up, "Let's go." He told my mom roughly.

"What, mom?!" Mindy shouted. I held her.

"We should go." Mom said after what seemed like a while of silence and then she turned her back on us and went out the door. Dad gave us all one last look before following mom.

"Oh, we have the best parents! Nice Sunday Brunch!" Mindy said sardonically then went up to her room, slamming the door.

Leigh took a deep breath, "Drake, help me clean this up."

"I can't believe them," Drake said.

"Well, you should." I said, "What a great family we have."

Leigh looked at me.

"What?" I asked and she didn't give me an answer. I didn't even bother waiting for one.

~15~

"I am lost to you now

there's no amout of reason

to save me"

-jewel, break me

The following day, I went over Robbie's place. He said he wanted to see me. And honestly, it was a good break from everything that's happened in the past weeks—Kim's meltdown, mom's tirades, you know how it went. I rang the doorbell and seconds later, he opened the door for me, wearing a white long-sleeved top and some black slacks.

"Hi," He greeted.

"Hey," I smiled, "Looking formal, mister..."

He smiled back and led me in. I was surprised.

The whole living room was dark, except for the electric candles on the floor and on the center table, and what seemed like Christmas light bulbs all over the place. Loads of draperies were covering the seats and were hanging from the ceiling and there were Pink and Blue Roses everywhere.

"You made this?" I asked him, my eyes wide with glee.

He nodded his head and handed me a bouquet of Blue Roses, "They're exquisite like...y-you." He smiled.

"You shouldn't have—" I said.

"It d-doesn't matter." He said.

"Thank you." I smiled.

"I love you." He said, trying to look me in the eye, even if to him, and because of his condition, "And...and I'm s-sorry it took me a while to say t-that. You're t-the best thing that's ever come into my life. And...and e-even if I'm not p-perfect—"

"Stop," I said, "You're perfect." I smiled and led his hand to my chest, "Hear that?" I said, "My heart says I love you. I love you, Robbie."

He looked at me and I looked at him and in that moment, everything was perfect, there was no world, no other people, just us. His hand was still on my chest when I put mine in his and we kissed. It was a long, soft, passionate kiss. I smiled at him and started caressing him—his hair, his neck and he did the same to me, too. I started undoing the buttons on his shirt and as it went off, he carried me to his room, undid the ties on my dress and let it slip off me. He carried me to bed, kissed me tenderly, and undid the zip on my bra and my underwear and I did the same to his pants and his underwear, as well. There we were, two naked people, all alone. He kissed me on the forehead, the eyelids, the nose, the lips as he was touching every part of my body delicately. "I love you," He said.

"I love you, too." I shot back and then we joined as one, and I had never felt more loved and more wanted than before. With him, I was safe. We made love several times that afternoon, lost in thought.

~16~

"She's his yellow brick road

leading him on

going down to nowhere...

in my mind everything we did was right

open your eyes i'll still be by your side"

-Michelle Branch, "Something to sleep you"

I opened up my eyes to the sight of Robbie stroking my hair gently. We were covered in his sheets.

"Hi," He smiled.

"Hello," I smiled back.

"You're beautiful." He said and I kissed him.

"It...it was my first t-time, you know? Doing it..." He said.

I looked at him, "It was mine, too."

He looked shocked.

I laughed, "Surprised?"

"I j-just n-never thought...Why?"

I shrugged, holding him even more tightly, "I guess, I was just waiting for the right time," I said, "And the right one."

He kissed me on the forehead, "D-did you ever see the film when Harry met Sally?"

"Yeah," I said, confused, "Why?"

"R-remember when Harry said that when...w-when you meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life w-with, y-you want the rest of your life t-to start immediately?"

"Yeah," I said, looking at him.

"I...I t-think I w-want to start the rest of my l-life already." He then opened the drawer near the bed and took out a red little box, you know, where they put accessories and stuff. He opened it and out came a beautiful ring with an Opal gem on top of it. It looked so beautiful, so classic. "M-my mother left this in my possession and told me to...t-to give it to the woman I...I w-wanna marry. And...I wanna give it to...to you." He looked at me and took the ring out of its box. "I love you, Caroline, w-will you marry me?"

I looked at him and felt like I was about to cry, "Yes!" I said and hugged him, "Yes, I wanna marry you, too." I smiled.

He hugged me and put the ring on my finger, "I-I'm s-sorry it's not diamond..."

I shook my head, "I don't care what it is," I said, "I'll marry you in a heartbeat."

"Are you...are you really sure?"

I nodded my head, "I love you." I said.

"I love you more." He shot back.

"Let's meet up with our families tomorrow at Leigh's place, would that be okay?"

"Tomorrow?"

"Yes," I answered, "We'll announce our engagement."

"We will?"

"Yes," I told him, "I want them all to know we're getting married."

"D-do you think they'll agree? Y-your p-parents?"

"They'll love you," I said, "And if they don't, I don't care. I'd still be marrying you. You're the best thing I have, you know?"

He smiled meekly, "I love you."

"I love you, too."

~17~

"..You learned my secrets and you

Figured out why I'm bothered,

You say we'll never my parents' mistakes..

"we got bills to pay,

we got nothin figured out..."

-Taylor Swift, "Mine"

The following day, my parents, Leigh, Mindy and Drake alongside with Mark were with me and Robbie at Leigh's place. Hours before, I kept telling Robbie to calm down, not worry so much and that it will all be fine, thought, honestly, I've been trying to pacify myself, too. I know how my mom could get, but now's not the time to be pessimistic. And besides, whatever happens, I'm still going to marry him.

Mark was the last to arrive. "Hi," He greeted us all, "I was gonna tag Kim along but she opted not to go..."

"Figures." I muttered and mom shot me a dagger look. "Anyway," I said, "We're all here today because...Robbie and I have an announcement to make." I squeezed Robbie's hand and he looked at me nervously.

"We..." He said, stuttering, "We...w-we're..."

"We're getting married!" I finished for him with a big smile on my face.

Drake was the first to react, "Whoa, hey, congrats!" He said and he shook Robbie's hand.

"Another wedding! Mindy quipped, "Yay, margaritas!"

I laughed.

"Congrats, man," Mark said as he stood up and tapped Robbie on the shoulder, "You surprised me, huh?"

Robbie just tried to smile.

"That's," Leigh said, "That's good news..." She smiled, "When's the big day?"

"Oh, no, we don't really have a date, yet, but soon, definitely," I answered, "And you'll be our maid of honor!"

She smiled, though I can see in her eyes that she was worried, "I'd love to." She said.

"And..a-and Mark will be the best man..." Robbie said.

"Of course I'll be." Mark jolted.

"And I'd take care of all the details..." I smiled.

"Now your wedding fantasies are coming true!" Leigh said.

"Sure are." I smiled then realized my parents still haven't said a thing, "Mom? Dad?"

"Congrats." Dad muttered silently, not taking his eyes off his water goblet.

Mom then sighed, "Is this your idea of a joke?" She finally said, "Getting married? Seriously?"

"Yes, we are, mom." I said.

"And why?"

"I...I l-love your daughter," Robbie spoke, "And...and s-she agreed."

"Oh, sorry, honey, but sometimes Caroline could make crazy decisions—"

"Mom, it's not a crazy decision," I sighed, "I love Robbie."

"Caroline, stop playing."

"Mom, they really are together," Leigh said, "And they...love each other."

"Oh, Lord," mom said, "Wait," She then looked at Robbie and studied his face, "You're the sick boy, aren't you?"

"I...I h-have Asperger's, it's...it's h-high functioning Autism—"

"Autism!" My mom gasped, "Oh, Lord."

"Rowena," Mark said. He and Kim may be married but he still likes calling my mom by her first name. "Robbie's a fine guy, I grew up with him."

"Well, I can see he seems like a good person," Mom said, "but that's no reason for marriage." She took a deep breath, "Caroline, you've proven your point, you could get engaged, but you don't have to go marry him just so—"

"Mom, can't you see?" I said, interrupting her, "I love Robbie, he loves me. We're getting married. This ain't about proving a point or something."

"Caroline,"

"M-maybe we s-should...I s-should go home..." Robbie muttered, his hands shaking.

"No, Robbie, don't," I said then looked at mom.

"Yes, honey, please go home, Caroline and I have to talk."

"Ooh, drama," Mindy quipped.

"Mom, please." Leigh said.

"MOM!" I said out loud.

"I'd just bring Robbie home," Mark announced.

"Mark,"

"It's okay." He told me silently.

I kissed Robbie on the cheek, "I'm sorry," I whispered, "I'll call you, okay?"

He merely nodded his head.

"Let's go." Mark said as he held Robbie and they went out the door. I took a deep breath.

"I'll just be outside," Dad announced. I wonder how he could be like this—so calm (or pretending to be), so...uncaring, not mindful of what's going on. Then I remembered that he wasn't like this before...he just started being this way when mom admitted having an affair with their former gardener who turned out to be Mindy's dad.

"Dad, do you wanna play basketball?" Drake asked, but Dad didn't answer.

"Come on, Drake, let's go buy some food..." Mindy said.

"Minds, no alcohol, okay?" Leigh asked.

"Oh, she won't listen to you." Mom said.

"I'll listen to her more than I'll ever listen to you." Mindy said and pushed Drake out the door.

"What is wrong with her?" Mom asked.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" I retorted.

"Caroline, don't use that tone on me."

"Could you have been any more rude?" I said, "He's my fiancé, mom."

"I have no idea what you're doing, Caroline," She said, "He's sick."

"It's Asperger's. It's a condition. People like him get married, have kids, get on top of their careers..."

"He couldn't even look me in the eye." She said.

"It's part of how he is," I said, "He looked me in the eye yesterday though it was very hard for him."

"He gave you an Opal ring." She said, "Opal, not diamond."

"Is that even important?" I asked, "He gave me a ring, his mother's ring, do you know how much that means to him."

"You never dreamed of having an Opal ring as your engagement ring."

"You have no idea what I want."

"Honey, I just want what's best for you."

"Really?" I said sarcastically, "Or you only want what's best for you?"

She sighed, "Leigh, did you ever try to talk her out of this?"

"Mom, she's old enough to know what she's doing," Leigh said, "And they love each other."

"But that guy isn't normal—"

"Mom, can you even hear yourself right now?" I asked, "He's gonna be your son in law."

"How are you going to bring up your would be family? You're both incompetent—"

"Mom!" Leigh said, "Come on, Caroline needs us right now, why can't you just support her?"

Mom looked from Leigh to me and then, "Because I don't want Caroline to screw this up again, like she did with her life."

"Mom," Leigh said silently.

"You know what?" I said, "Enough. I don't care if you've got a marriage that go fucked up, mom, because you fucked it up. I'm getting married. I love Robbie, hear that? I LOVE HIM. Do you even know what love means? No, maybe not, right? So, I don't care. He and I are getting married, and I couldn't care less if you attend or not." I then went up to my room and locked the door.

~18~

"sometimes it lasts in love

but sometimes it hurts instead"

-Adele, "Someone like You"

"Hey," I said as Robbie answered his phone later that evening, "Please don't hang up."

"I...I w-won't." He said.

"I'm really sorry about my mom," I said, "She's just...crazy sometimes. Very judgmental. She'll come around..."

"S-she doesn't like me."

"It's not like that," I said, "And for the record, she doesn't like me, too." I laughed a little. "Robbie, I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Will you still want to marry me?" I asked.

"I-if you want to marry me, too..."

"I have no reason not to."

"B-but your mom?"

"I'll deal with that soon." I said, "Robbie, how's Mark? Is he mad?"

"No, he's...he's not. He just said t-that...that it could be tough."

"I'm sorry."

"I love you." He said, "One day...one day I'll be p-perfect, too."

"You already are." I said, "And don't worry, we'll be alright."

"I...I believe you."

"I love you," I said, "Okay...you could get some rest now, Robbie, it was a tough afternoon..."

"Please do, too."

"I will." I said.

"I love you, Carol."

"I love you, too."

And then the line went dead. I then started dialing Mark's number, wishing he would pick up and wishing Kim won't make a fuss about it.

"Caroline?" He said. I heard sounds from the TV in the background.

"Where's Kim?" I asked.

"Asleep," He said.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I didn't want what happened this afternoon to happen."

"I know," He said, "The question is, can you handle it in the long run?"

"I know I can." I said, "I love your cousin, and my mom's words couldn't change that. Won't ever change that."

"I'm worried not just about Robbie, but also about you, Caroline."

"Why?"

"Because Rowena's still your mom," He said, "And this is tearing you guys apart."

"Oh, Mark, we've always been torn apart."

"So, you're still marrying my cousin?"

"Yes."

He took a deep breath, "I'll be glad to see you two happy."

"Thanks." I said, "And Mark?"

"Yes?"

"Robbie's not sick in my eyes, okay?"

"I know he's not."

"Thanks." I said, "See you."

"You too."

~19~

ryan: so, what do you think? Seth and Summer? Starcrossed lovers...

marissa: or better off just friends?

ryan: destined to be together?

marissa: or too dysfunctional to be together?...well, only time will tell...

ryan: only time will tell.

-The OC

Bridal magazines were scattered all over the table as Leigh and I were discussing potential gowns for the wedding. Growing up, I've always collected bridal magazines. Leigh always thought it was weird, considering I only had two serious relationships, and countless number of "almost there but not quite" stuff, but she did like to skim through the pages, too, just to get color and pattern inspirations for her wallpaper designs. Mindy, though artistic, didn't bother with opening them. She had always been the type to shrug off stuff like these—always the unconventional one, always the non-conformist, not to mention her stand about not believing in weddings. "It's stupid, people just break up." She tells us. Leigh, who doesn't believe in love anymore, subtly agrees, "Well, some marriages work...but yeah, most don't." That has been a topic of our conversations for years, so I could say I'm lucky that Leigh agreed to go through this "picking gowns" thing with me.

"Leigh," I said, holding her hand, "Thanks."

She smiled, "Don't mention it." She said.

I smiled back.

"So," She said, flipping though a magazine, "Have you spoken to Robbie already?"

"Yeah," I answered, "We're good. He's alright."

"Sorry about mom," she said, "However, although I know, her methods were wrong, I think she's also worried...Robbie is a good guy, no doubt, but it's the first time someone in the family's marrying someone quite...different," She went on, "And there are always consequences." She looked at me, "What if one day, he finds out about something he doesn't like and he freaks out? Or what if, one day, you get to have children and he wouldn't know how to deal with them?"

I nodded my head and took a deep breath, "I thought about that," I said, "I'll just cross the bridge when I get there." I said.

She smiled, "You really love him, don't you?"

"Yeah," I answered, "So much. And I know we'll not be like all these couples...There won't be a day where in he won't talk about books, or stutter, or won't be able to look me in the eye...But, the fact that he tries to, and the fact that he's trying to understand all these things for me, is enough. More than enough. In my eyes, he's the most beautiful man out there, in and out. And I wish I have some explanation for that...but I don't." I smiled, "You know how rocky my life has been for the past few years, Leigh...I used to have everything, I was everything...and then, for some reason, it's like, I lost it all. My wisdom, my youth, my grace and passion, everything. And now that he's here, it's like...Like, I could finally have my life back. Like finally, I could start over. And...and I wouldn't wanna waste this chance."

She nodded her head, "Well, for what it's worth, I want you to be happy."

I smiled.

"So, anyway," She said, "I think you should wear something Pink on your wedding. It would be perfect...Pink with subtle black linings, you know? That would be so you..."

I laughed, "I like the way you're thinking, dear sister," I said, "I was thinking of the same thing, too. And you could wear some taffeta..."

"Oh, no, no, no," She said, "No taffeta for me."

I laughed, "Really? Even if I plead?"

"No!"

"Then I'd make Kim wear green..."

"Oh, no, you wouldn't," She laughed, "She'd kill you."

"Nah, she's too up there to go to jail."

And then we cracked up.

~20~

"please don't turn this into something it's not...

I still love you more than anyone else could..." -snow patrol, "make this go on forever"

"So, pretty little swan figurines as our give-away?" I asked Robbie while we were sitting down on his bed, discussing wedding plans. Bridal magazines and wedding catalogues were everywhere.

"It...it w-would be perfect," He answered, "Then we'd have butterflies and balloons on the wedding, too."

"Lovely," I smiled, "Oh, and by the way, I chanced talking with this old colleague of mine back in college, and guess what?"

"What?"

"She owns this quaint, beautiful place just near the area. It's a garden with a pond, and real swans...It could be our venue."

"T-that's wonderful," He said, "Let's...L-let's meet up with her s-soon."

"I'll schedule the appointment." I smiled.

We went over the rest of the catalogues and then I stopped and looked at him.

"Robbie," I said, "Thank you."

"Thank you?" He asked, "W-why?"

"Because, spending time with you made me realize what I want to do with my life." I smiled, "and now, I can have both, you, and my dream."

"W-what is it?"

"I'm planning to finally practice my profession."

"W-what profession?"

I smiled, "Oh, I haven't told you," I said, "I'm a Psychology graduate, Rob, can you believe it?"

"You're...a what?"

"I took up Psychology in college and—"

"I heard that," he said, a little too stiffly, "And...and w-what do you wanna do?"

"I'm not exactly sure how it'll go, but I'm thinking of being a counselor, you know, maybe for teens or even young adults..."

"Counseling." He repeated.

"Yes," I smiled then noticed he looked sunken, "Robbie, are you okay?" I tried to hold his hand but he pushed mine away.

"S-so, w-what am I t-to you? A test subject?"

"Robbie, what—"

"Y-you didn't tell me that you were a...a Psych grad..."

"Robbie, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...I mean, I didn't think it was a big deal and believe me, it's not—"

"What was I to you?" He asked, his voice shaking, "A c-case study?! You spent time with me just so y-you could figure out w-what you want?! You h-had all those conversations with me just so you could get what you want? See what you want? Prove that y-you're a shrink? Huh?!"

""Robbie, I didn't mean it to be that way, I'm sorry, please," I said, "Listen to me...That wasn't what I meant, it's just...I'm sorry, please. I love you."

"No, no!" He screamed as he sat on the floor, burrowing his head in his legs, "No, you're a liar! You lied to me! Y-you don't love me..."

"Robbie, no, that's not true," I said, feeling the tears welling up in my eyes, "I love you, you know I love you."

"I...I t-thought y-you did...I thought you did! But you don't...I'm j-just...I'm just a test to you...I'm j-just a...a piece of meat!"

"Robbie, please, let me explain, please try to understand, I didn't mean it that way—"

"Get out!" He said loudly, "Go away now. Go away, go away." He was crying now.

"Please, Robbie, I love you..."

"Liar! Liar!" He shouted, "You're happy, aren't you? You f-fooled me! Stupid Robbie, Stupid!!!"

My tears fell down at that point.

"Get out!" He then stood up and pushed me out of his room.

"Robbie, please!"

He locked the door and I sat down the floor, crying. I heard his muffled sobs, too.

"Robbie, I'm sorry," I said, "Please, let's fix this...I love you."

"You don't!" He shouted, "Just go away. Go away. Don't come back! " And then he cried harder, and I did, too, knowing I could no longer fix what I had just broken.

***

I walked back into Leigh's house, wet from the rain that poured on me when I left Robbie's apartment. I spent four hours outside his room, crying, trying to knock on his door but he kept on telling me to go away. I left by 8 pm and got drenched in rain, the perfect irony to the mess of a day I had. I felt so heartbroken. Like, I could feel the pain in every part of my body. Like, a hole opened up inside me, and kept on getting larger.

"Carol?" Leigh said as she saw me walk inside the door. She was about to go to the dining room then. "God, Carol, what happened?" She asked as she walked up to me, and stroked my hair, "Are you okay? You're wet! Drake, get me some towels!"

Drake rushed up the stairs and handed Leigh the towel as he went down.

"What happened to her?" Drake asked.

"Carol, sweetheart, talk to me, what's wrong?" Leigh asked as she covered my body with the towel and led me to sit down on the sofa.

"He...he hates me." I spoke slowly.

"He? Robbie?" Leigh asked, "What happened?"

"I told him I wanted to put up a counseling center, and then he...he didn't take it well. He said...he said that he probably was my case study, my test subject...It wasn't like that, you know it wasn't like that, Leigh...I just didn't think he would make a big deal out of it...and then...and then he said that I was a liar, that I lied to him and that I didn't really love him...He told me to go away."

"Oh my God," Leigh muttered as she hugged me.

I cried, "I love him so much," I said, "I love him but...but I don't know if he still wants to fix this..."

Leigh just patted my back, "Everything will be fine," She whispered, "It will be alright."

That's when I broke down.

~21~

Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you.

They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'Maybe we should just be friends' or 'How very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that.

Especially not love. I hate love. –Neil Gaiman

A day passed, but it felt like years. I kept on calling Robbie but he didn't answer any of my calls, or texts. Mark told me last night that Robbie said he just wanted to be alone. I didn't even bother to get out of my room. I was aching through and through.

It was my chance at love, my new shot, and I just messed it all up. But the thing is, I didn't wanna ruin anything, I just didn't tell him before about my background in Psychology solely because the time didn't come yet. Besides, I wasn't practicing it.

It was very painful. You know how it is when you love someone so much that it hurts? That's how I was feeling. It's like, my heart is being ripped away from me, slowly, yet, much, much painfully.

Someone knocked on the door and entered. It was Leigh.

"Hey," She said as she sat down on my bed and put down a tray of food on my side table, "Drake said you haven't been out of your room all day."

I didn't answer.

She stroked my hair, "I tried calling Robbie, but he wouldn't pick up." She said, "and Mark called, Kim had her baby...It's a boy." She patted me on the back, "Carol, I'm really sorry," She said, "Maybe Robbie just couldn't take it in well..."

"I love him." I said silently.

"I know you do," She said, "But he should remember, too."

"I messed things up. I'm just...stupid, selfish--"

"You're not," She said, "Things just happen."

"It hurts so bad," I started crying again.

"It will be alright." She said.

You know how when you're so devastated and someone tells you those words, you just hold on to them and hope they come true? I was one of those people who believed in things like that; who hoped against hope. I always held on to Leigh, but for some reason, right now, I couldn't.

"Would you like to go down for dinner? Then we could visit Kim—"

"Thanks," I said, "But I just wanna be alone."

She didn't say a thing, just patted my head and stroke my hair then stood up and then, "Call me when you need me, okay?" She said lightly and went out of my room.

***

A week passed. Nothing changed. Robbie still didn't call, or show up. "I can't promise you anything," Mark said in a text once, "But let's hope he comes around."

I felt so weak. I had boyfriends before, and I survived break-ups, but this was so hard. Mainly because, I knew there was so much that needed to be said, but he didn't want to hear them, and on the other hand, I also felt like I was a failure. Like, I didn't really try to understand him, or love him the way I should've. Drake often went to my room to give me food, or some pep-talk. Pep-talk, and he's younger than me. It didn't work too well, though, I just felt tired all the time, I didn't feel like talking, or listening, or anything. I knew they all meant well, but really, when you're so heartbroken, you just feel like the world's crashing down on you. Like, it would never be okay again.

That Saturday, Drake went to my room yet again and sat down on the bean bag on the floor. When we were younger, we all had these bean bags. However, Drake's bean bag was destroyed one evening when he brought friends over, and they all got into this messy party. One guy brought a knife, and it almost turned nasty, good thing Leigh was able to call the police. The bean bag, however, didn't survive. Since then, Drake has been borrowing mine for his PS2 and Xbox playtimes.

"Aren't you still gonna go out?" He asked.

"No." I said.

"Come on, Carol," He said, "It's a Saturday, I heard a new Adam Brody movie is showing—"

"I don't wanna watch movies."

"So, what? You're gonna stay here again all day, sulking?"

"I let you mope when you needed to."

"Sorry," He said, "I just want you to get better."

"Leave me alone, will you?"

"I'm dating someone new," He said, "Well, I'm not sure how it'll work out but I have the best hopes for us. She's cute, you know? Her name's Cheska, Chinky-eyed, very bubbly...You'll like her."

I didn't say anything.

"Carol, I just wanna thank you, for helping me out when...when I was spiraling down." He said, "Really, without that talk you gave me, who knows? I still might be going downhill you know? And...and I know you're strong enough, I know you could handle this...but...I'm just here, we're all just here." He paused and then, "I'm not saying go, get over Robbie, because I know you love him. And yeah, well, maybe you'd still wait for him, but if he does something again, I'll punch him, believe me."

"It wasn't his fault." I said silently.

"And it wasn't all yours, too." He said, "You and him will always be different, but it's just not you who has to make a way to make it work."

I took a deep breath, trying not to cry again. My eyes are tired. "Thanks, Drake," I said, "You can go now."

He then sighed and stood up, "Are you sure you don't wanna go out?"

"I'm fine." I said silently.

"I'll just be downstairs," He said.

"Yeah, thanks."

And then he left my room.

~22~

When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground, it makes a loud, crashing sound. When a window shatters, a picture falls off the wall, it makes a noise. But as for your heart, when it breaks, it's completely silent. It is silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain. If there is a noise, it is internal. It screams and no one can hear it but you. It screams so loud your ears ring & your head aches. That's the thing about love—no one is untouchable -Cecelia Ahern

Minutes later, someone knocked on my door again.

"Drake," I called out, "Could you just leave me alone?!"

"Caroline?"

It wasn't Drake. I knew who it was, I would've recognized that voice anywhere though he hasn't called me like that in years. I got up from bed. "Dad?" I called out from my room.

"Yes, it's me," He said, "Caroline, can you let me in?"

I opened the door, and there he was, my father, looking at me. His eyes looked tired, as they had been all these years.

"Dad," I muttered as I led him in. He sat down on my bed.

"How are you?" He asked, after seconds of silence. I realized we haven't talked to each other in years. He went on, "Oh, that's a stupid question, isn't it? You're evidently not okay..." He said as he glanced upon my room, which currently looked like trash.

"I'll be fine," I said, "You didn't have to come..."

He shook his head, "I've let you take care of yourselves all these years...I think, I owe it to you that when you need me, I should be here."

I then took a deep breath and sat down beside him. "Mom's probably laughing at me now, huh?"

He smiled sadly, "You know how she could be, but she's...also worried."

No one spoke for a while and then, "You love him, don't you?" He asked.

I nodded my head.

"But you know that things won't ever be normal for you?"

"Yes." I said, silently.

He took a deep breath, "You know, you'd always care for him more than he does for you...There will never come a time when he'd just look after you, or when he won't be too literal about things. Maybe, he'd still over-analyze things, because that's how he is. He won't just...see things the way we see them."

"Dad,"

"I know he's a good man, and that who knows? Maybe, sooner or later, you'd make up. But what if you don't?" He looked at me, "Caroline, I don't want this to tear a part of you forever. And yes, love may make you do certain things, but...I just want someone to look after you. You're special, Carol, you are my song. Remember when you were little and I always sang to you this song I made when your mother's pregnant with you...I always saw myself in you, Carol. You've always been the dreamer, the passionate one, the one who does what she wants, and fights for her beliefs, whatever damnation she might get. And, because of that, I just want you to have someone who's strong enough for you, who won't fall apart because of the slightest provocation." He went on, "Sweetheart, you deserve someone who will love you the way you need to be loved."

I looked at him, "You think...maybe, Robbie's not the one?"

"I think, that maybe, he might be the one, but it doesn't mean he's right for you."

"That's just...insane." I said silently.

"I know," He said, "But love could keep you blinded." He looked at me, "Do you think that when you get older, he'd be able to keep his guard down and just look after you the way men do with their wives? Do you think he'll love you the way you love him?"

I didn't answer.

He then squeezed my hand, "If you love him, and he loves you, then he'll come around. And...he'll realize that even he has to make sacrifices, and choices, too. It's not just you, Carol."

I nodded my head and took a deep breath, "Thanks." I muttered.

He smiled a little, "I know it still hurts, but you'll get better."

I nodded my head, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Yes," He said, "What is it?"

I paused and then, "Do you love mom?"

He looked at me, took a deep breath, and then, "Not as much as I used to, but yes. She's not perfect but...I married her, so..."

"Did you forgive her and stay with her because you love her? Or did you just do it because...because you think it's the right thing to do?"

He took a deep breath, "I wanted to keep this family intact," He said and paused, "But now, years later, I realize I...I may just have made things worse. And, Caroline, you have no idea how much that hurts. How...bad that feels. It's like, I failed in keeping my family together."

"Dad," I said, "We missed you."

"I missed you, too." He said, and after all these years, we hugged. It's like, I'm wounded and I'm running to my daddy to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. Except, of course everything won't be okay just like that.

"Dad," I said, after the hug, "Do you ever think about...divorce?"

He looked at me.

"I mean—"

He nodded his head, "Yeah, but then again, what difference would it make?"

"Dad, if you don't love her anymore, or if you don't love her as much as you used to, what's the point?"

"At my age, Carol, it's hard to just start over."

"I know," I said, "But who knows what could happen? What if the right one's somewhere out there, still waiting for you?"

He smiled a little, "I always thought your mom was the right one."

"Even if she made a mistake?"

"Well..."

"Dad, you should give yourself a chance, you know? To start over."

"Well..." He said, "We'll see."

"Dad," I said again, "Are you...are you mad at Mindy?"

He looked at me, "No," He said, "There's no reason to be."

"But you never...you never really talked to her again."

"I know," He said, "and I'm not proud of that. It's just that...seeing her...seeing her reminds me of...of Manuel." Manuel is their former gardener and Mindy's dad. "After your mom's admission, I noticed how Mindy had Manuel eyes."

"It must've been hard."

"It was," He said, "Still is."

"Mindy misses you."

He looked at me.

"I know you don't talk, and she doesn't really talk about her feelings anymore but...losing you, or, not being able to have the kind of relationship you used to have is killing her. It was one of the reasons why she...she sunk into depression and alcoholism..."

"I've always wanted to talk to her," He said, "I just have no idea how to."

"Well, maybe you could try right now..." I said, "She's in her room."

"You think, she'll like the idea?"

"It's worth a try."

"Thanks," He said.

I shook my head, "No, thanks, dad."

~23~

There are so many fragile things after all. People break so easily, and so do dreams and hearts. –Neil Gaiman

I knocked on Mindy's door.

"Minds?" I called out, "It's Carol."

No one answered. I turned on the knob which was, surprisingly, not locked. Dad and I went inside Mindy's room and her many paintings caught our eyes. Mindy's a talented artist. Her paintings were the expressions of how she was feeling. Her wall, however, was the mirror of truth. The words "PAIN", "I'M SORRY" and "FORGIVE ME" were written in black ink.

We found Mindy kneeling on the floor, her head on the bed. She was holding a bottle of chardonnay in one hand.

"Mindy?!" I said as I rushed to her side.

"Miranda," My dad said.

"Daddy..." Mindy said in her drunken state. She laughed, "Oh, daddy..."

"Miranda," Dad said and he sat down beside her, "What happened?"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." Mindy said and fainted. That's when we brought her to the hospital, our hearts full of sadness and hope.

~24~

"Love is a choice you make from moment to moment."

6 months later

Six months passed. Know what I realized? Eventually, the heart repairs. Maybe, not totally, but it does. You learn to live each day as it comes, and take what you can take.

I still haven't heard from Robbie. Mark is now my only connection to him. I've heard from Mark that Robbie is now working as a consultant in a bookstore nearby. I pass by that bookstore at times, on my way to work. There are days when my eyes easily water with tears, and times when I'd just drive along, trying not to notice it, trying to live the life I have now.

Some things have changed, though. Like, mom and dad, who finally are divorced. Dad's currently working at a school, coaching basketball, while mom is in Malibu as of the moment, having fun with her goodtime friends.

Kim and I also finally had a chance to talk. Two months ago, we met up shortly before her son, Kurt, was baptized. Over cake and juice, we talked about everything we needed to get out of our chests. I told her about my frustrations, and she told me about hers. She told me how, though she's the eldest, she always felt like she had all of us as her competitors. How she always felt like whatever she did wasn't enough, I told her how I felt the same way, and how I felt awful because it seemed like she never wanted me as a sister. I told her, how, yes, Mark and I may have had history, but that was it. We no longer have a present, much less, a future. The conversation went well, amidst the tears, and the occasional anger. We're good now, and though we know we won't be able to turn back time, and make things in the past great, we knew we still had the present and the future to hold on to.

Leigh just got promoted as assistant manager of the company she's working in. However, she still helps in designing their products (wallpapers, placemats, etc). Drake is staying single, as he says, this isn't the time to complicate his life. Mindy's in a treatment facility again, but this time, she says she wants to really be better. After rehab, she's planning to live in New Orleans for a while, with our aunt Muriel and see how it goes from there.

And then, there's me.

A few days after dad's visit and after we brought Mindy to the hospital, I got back on my feet, slowly, yes, but at least I did. In a couple of weeks, I decided to finally put to work my dream of being a counselor. I rented a place somewhere here in Central Park, and so far, it's been good. My office is called "Of hopes and Dreams", and I try to help out those who come into my office, talking about their problems, or whatever's bothering them.

Today, my client, Martina, came in. She's 19, a college sophomore at NYU, and apparently, she broke up with her boyfriend of a year a month ago and she's still hurt. I'm listening intently as she's crying in front of me.

"It's just unfair," She said as she blew her nose on a tissue, "I mean, here I am, crying for him, and where is he? In the arms of another girl! It's like, he doesn't even care about how I feel..."

"Martina, I'm sorry, but these things happen...Especially because you've broken up. You can no longer say you own this person...and tell you what, we never really own people...they're just...they're just like everything else, a borrowed good."

She cried harder, "I feel stupid, so stupid. I feel weak. Why would I even go looking for love, right? Why is it so important, anyway? I just...it just makes me feel like...Like I'm so weak."

"No, no," I said, "Martina, that's not true. You're not weak," I paused and then, "Love...looking for it, wishing for it, doesn't mean you're weak. We don't look for love because we're weak; we look for love because no matter how strong we are, there's always gonna be that fragile part of us that needs to be embraced; we don't look for love because we can't take care of ourselves—we look for love because even though we can be strong for ourselves, sometimes, it's comforting to know there's someone who's gonna be there for us, holding us, amidst everything." I went on, "We don't look for love because we're lookin' for heartache; we're lookin' for love because we're humans; And no matter who we are, or what we say, a little part of us will always wish we had someone who loves and accepts us for who we are, and someone we could share all our love with."

She looked at me, "Really?" She said, "You think?"

I reached for her hand and squeezed it, "I know." I said.

"Whoa," She said, composing herself, "Are you...married or something?"

"No," I said, "I almost was, though," I glanced at my bag and thought of the ring Robbie gave me which was sitting inside.

"What happened?"

I shrugged, "Life happened."

"Do you...still...love him?"

I looked at her and realized I couldn't answer her question.

"Sorry." She muttered.

"It's alright," I said.

"I should go," She said, picking up her bag, "Thank you so much for the session."

"My pleasure." I said.

I watched as she left the room and I was left alone. Moments later, I picked up my bag, too, and headed home.

~25~

"we could still belong together,

and together, so much better"

-Lisa Loeb, "We could still belong together"

I arrived home that day to find Drake sitting on the couch, looking as if he wanted to punch someone.

"Hey," I said, as I gave him a peck on the cheek, "What's going on?"

"That guy," he said, angrily, "I want to punch him, seriously, after all this months!"

"Drake, relax, who is it? What guy?"

He sighed and stood up, "Robbie." He said.

I was stunned, "Robbie?" I said. "What? What do you mean?"

"He went here, saying he wanted to see you, that he was sorry and you needed to talk. Jesus, Carol, I wanted to kill him! I mean, after al these months? After he hurt you," He paused and then, "But he said that he was sorry, he's wrong, and said that if you guys talk and you wouldn't wanna be with him, then, he's going, but he would regret it forever."

I found that all hard to take in, "Where is he?" I asked.

"Well," Drake said, "I didn't open the door for him, but he stayed so...I let him in. Seriously, I wouldn't have if I didn't think about you and what you would say...But I guess, you do need to finally talk, so..."

"So?"

"He's in the dining room."

"Oh."

"I'll just be here if anything goes wrong."

"I'll be okay." I smiled, "Thanks, Drake."

He just patted me on the shoulder, "Go on." He said.

I smiled meekly and made my way to the dining room. It wasn't a long walk from the living room, but it felt like forever. My heart was pounding, and my steps were heavy. When I finally arrived and saw him, sitting on a chair, fidgeting, I instantly felt like crying. Like, everything welled up again. For the most part, I was thankful, that at last, we would be talking again, and at the same time, I was also scared.

Seconds passed without anyone talking. I mean, really, what would you say to someone you love who just went out of your life? How do you manage to put in words that you were really hurt, and yet, deep down, you were still hoping for something? I don't know.

"Hey," I finally spoke.

He stood up, "Hey." He greeted back, "Y-you're brother was...was quite protective." He smiled meekly.

I smiled back, "He's the best." I took a deep breath, "So..."

"I'm sorry," He said, "I...I was a jerk...I didn't even bother listening t-to you."

"I'm sorry, too," I said.

"No, no," he said, "You've...y-you've said enough. Your dad talked to me, you know?"

I was surprised, "He did?"

He nodded his head, "A...almost a...a month ago."

"Wow." I muttered, "What did he say?"

"H-he said that...that he wanted his daughter to be happy. That...that if I love you, I would understand what happened, and t-that...in a relationship, t-there's always two sides. And...and I didn't really realize t-that until then." He looked at me, "I'm sorry, Caroline, I love you." He went on, "And I'm sorry if I've been an ass and I took it out on you. I...Maybe you h-have someone else now, maybe you've...you've moved on. But I guess, I still have to tell you t-that I love you. That I care. That you matter. You matter so much, and I...I wish we could try again. I still...I still want to marry you, and I'm ashamed I didn't go here all those months ago." He paused and then, "B-but...I know I've caused you so much pain, so much that m-maybe you won't forgive me. Maybe you wouldn't wanna be with me. And...and as much as that would hurt, I'll understand. Just please...say something. Anything."

"Well," I said, composing my thoughts. What do I wanna tell him? That for days, I sulked in my room, wishing he would call? That...though I've managed to go on with my life, there are still some nights where in I'd think about him, us, and what could've happened? That, as much as I hate to admit it, I think I still am, and always will be in love with him? That, though I know he'd never be able to understand things the way most people do, it's okay and it's forgiven? How do you sum it all up? I took a deep breath and then, "I never threw away your ring." I smiled.

He smiled back, "I'm so sorry," He said, "I love you. I'll make it right this time."

I smiled and held his hand, "We'll make it right this time."

~26~

"At last, my love has come along

my lonely days are over

and life is like a song"

-Etta James, "At Last"

1 month after

There's a different feeling about walking down the aisle as a bride. It was...unexplainable. Like, every heartbreak and every failed relationship and almost relationships I went through are worth it. Like, every day before today was just a prelude of my life to be.

There were many mishaps in my life. I've done countless mistakes. I've hurt people, and people have hurt me. Seven months ago, I thought, that maybe, the pain that the relationship with Robbie brought me would just be etched on my heart and soul forever, and I had almost been right. But when things are meant to be, then they're meant to be, but, only if you're willing to give destiny a hand. Because, sometimes, life isn't just about getting what's given to you, but making a way to get what you want. It's always a little bit of both.

I was wearing my pristine-cut light Pink gown, the one with beautiful gems on it, and holding my Pink and Blue Rose bouquet as I was walking down the aisle. At that moment, everything felt perfect. I wanted Mindy to be there, but she was still in the treatment facility. I was able to talk to her on the phone, though, and she sent me her best wishes. I saw my mom, fresh from her Malibu trip, giving me a little smile as I passed by her, my dad giving me the thumbs-up sign, my brother, Drake, giving me a wink, my sister Leigh, smiling at me happily, and my eldest sister, Kim, who brought along little Kurt, who became my ring bearer. She mouthed the words "best wishes" to me. A year ago, I wouldn't even have thought of inviting her to my wedding.

And then, I finally was caught his eye.

Standing there, in front, was Robbie. Robbie, my would-be husband, Robbie, the man I would now spend the rest of my life with, Robbie, the other whole who would now share his life with me. Our eyes met, and we both smiled.

Our story may have started on my sister's wedding, but it doesn't end here. Because we all know that in life, every ending is just a new beginning.

As the pastor started the ceremony, and as Robbie glanced at me before looking at him, I finally felt safe.

And guess what?

Now I could say: In life, there are still happy endings. And great new beginnings.

~♥~

