-Thank you.
Okay, awesome news.
I'm engaged.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Alright.
Not everybody clapped,
I saw.
That's okay.
That's fine.
Whenever people don't clap
for that, I'm like,
"Oh, I guess they
wanted to sleep with me."
[ Laughter ]
And your days
are numbered.
[ Laughter ]
When you get engaged, people ask
you the same stupid question
over and over again.
Everyone is like,
"Were you surprised?"
"No.
But I was happy."
And they're like, "Boo!
You should have
been surprised."
It's like, if you propose to
someone, and they are shocked,
that's a bad sign.
[ Laughter ]
If they're tip-toeing
on the gazebos,
they don't like you.
[ Laughter ]
And then, they are like,
"How did you know?
How did you
figure it out?"
I'm smarter than him.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's it.
Like, I plan everything
in our lives.
You're not going to pull
a fast one on me.
[ Laughter ]
Men are so clunky, too.
He asked for
my dad's phone number.
[ Laughter ]
It's like, "Okay, well,
they're not sexting."
[ Laughter ]
Then, they want
to see the ring.
That's the next thing.
And no matter what, they go,
"He did such a good job."
It could be the ugliest thin
they have ever seen,
and they will say,
"He did such a good job."
And it's like,
"I did this."
[ Laughter ]
I built this thing
from the ground up,
and now, he's getting
credit for it?
There was an entire folder
on my mom's phone.
Like, he may have financed it,
but I'm the architect.
If this was a building, my nam
would be on the side of it
He doesn't know anything
about rings or weddings.
He proposed to me in a shirt
that said "Mt. Dunkmore."
[ Laughter ]
You think he knows
rose gold looks good
on potato famine skin?
I don't think so.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
My fiance is a
hip-hop Filipino.
[ Scattered cheers ]
If you know, you know.
[ Light laughter ]
For those of you that don'
know, a hip-hop Filipino,
if you went to high school
with someone, and they, like
loved break dancing, but their
dad was a surgeon. Okay?
Like, he has a gold necklace
but he's allergic to it.
[ Laughter ]
We don't have any kids.
We're gonna get married.
We're gonna have kids.
I'm an aunt, obviously.
You can tell from
this manic energy.
Aunts without any
of their own children
are the scariest
people alive.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
There they are.
People are like,
"No. It's dog people.
It's incels."
No. It's women
whose screensaver is a bab
they didn't
give birth to.
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's a crazy person.
And the thing is,
we don't want to be this way
We want to be cool.
We want to be chill.
But for some reason,
that gets to be uncles.
And you know what?
Uncles have had it too goo
for too long.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Uncles don't do anything.
They show up.
They talk to the kid
for 30 seconds.
They wreck
the whole house.
And then, everybody is like, "
What a good guy.
What an awesome
role model."
I saw a guy recently wearing
a hat that said, "Funcle."
[ Laughter ]
We don't have that.
I can't wear a hat
that says "Faunt."
[ Laughter ]
If you're a fun aunt,
you're a cautionary tale.
[ Laughter ]
They're like, "Yeah, go spen
spring break with her.
And then, come back,
and tell us why she's alone.
[ Laughter ]
Uncles always get to
be cool in movies.
When we're in movies,
we're just drunk,
dancing alone at weddings,
spilling pinot grigio
on toddlers.
Going like this
to deejays.
And they're like,
"I can't move."
And then,
we do crazy things
that perpetuate the stereotype
that we're insane.
Like, you'll see a baby
in a onesie that's like,
"If you think I'm cute,
you should see my aunt."
That onesie should just say,
"Somebody bang my aunt."
[ Laughter ]
"She's having
a tough year."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you guys so much.
-Oh, my gosh.
Oh, hey.
Oh, my gosh.
Potato famine skin.
Megan Gailey!
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's how you do it.
Download "My Dad Paid for This
at Apple Music now.
