AS I MAY HAVE MENTIONED ONCE OR
TWICE, TOMORROW SE ELECTION DAY.
THE BIG RACE IS FOR THE TEXAS
SENATE SEAT WHERE REPUBLICAN
INCUMBENT AND MAN WHO THINKS
THIS IS SMILING TED CRUZ IS
FACING OFF AGAINST DEMOCRATIC
CHALLENGER AND BOY WHO WISHED TO
BE BIG BETO O'ROURKE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S BEEN VERY CONTENTIOUS, THE
POLLS ARE INCREDIBLY CLOSE AND
BOTH CANDIDATES ARE SPENDING
TENS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO
WIN THIS THING.
I WANTED TO SEND A CORRESPONDENT
DOWN THERE WHO COULD DELIVER A
REPORT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
CONAN O'BRIEN IS ON HIATUS BUT
HE WAS KIND TO LEND US TRIUMPH
THE INSULT COMIC DOG!
>> HELLO STEPHEN!
HELLO WHITE LIBERALS!
>> STEPHEN: TRIUMPH, THANK YOU
FOR BEING HERE.
WE'RE SO HAPPY TO HAVE YOU COVER
THIS STORY FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
>> YES, YOU ARE.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE THE
PERFECT PERSON BECAUSE IN THE
2016 PRIMARIES YOU INTERVIEWED
TED CRUZ.
HERE YOU ARE TRYING TO TALK TO
EVENTS.
YOU EVEN STRAPPED YOURSELF TO A
DRONE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHICH YOU THEN
USED TO CHASE AFTER TED CRUZ'S
BUZZ DOWN THE HIGHWAY.
>> YES, I FOLLOWED TED CRUZ FROM
IOWA ALL THE WAY TO NEW
HAMPSHIRE, BUT I NEVER GOT TO
MEET HIM-- DESPITE BEING THE
ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO
WANTS TO.
( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: AND HOW ABOUT THIS
TIME?
>> WELL LET'S JUST SAY I TALKED
TO THE BETO-HEADS, THE CRUZERS--
AND I EVEN GOT CLOSE TO THE
CANDIDATES THEMSELVES.
>> STEPHEN: JIM?
REPORTING FROM DEEP IN THE
HEART OF TEXAS I AM HERE AT THE
RALLY FOR BETO O'ROURKE
SURROUNDED BY A MOB, DEGENERATE
YOUNG LEFTISTS WITH ALL ONE
COMMON, THEY ALL SHARE THE SAME
NETFLIX ACCOUNT.
( LAUGHTER )
HERE'S THE ONE THING I DON'T
KNOW, HIS MUSIC.
♪
♪
EVERYBODY IS LIKE, OH, HE WAS A
PUNK ROCKER.
HAVE YOU ACTUALLY EVER HEARD HIS
MUSIC?
>> NO, I CAN'T SAY I CAN.
TRUST ME, IF BETO WANTS TO
STOP BORDER CROSSINGS AS MUCH AS
TED CRUZ, THEY COULD JUST PLAY
HIS ALBUM DOWN THERE.
( LAUGHTER )
IN THE BACK, WHITE FAIRKS
PLAYING A GUY THAT'S SEEN TED
CRUZ NAKED.
( LAUGHTER )
PEOPLE BEING DISENFRANCHISED,
REPORTS OF VOTING MACHINES
SWITCHING VOTES FROM BETO TO TED
CRUZ.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
HERE'S WHAT YOU GUYS HAVE TO
DO.
WHEN YOU WALK TO THE VOTING
MACHINES -- BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE
ARE AFTER YOU, MAN -- YOU'VE GOT
TO BEHAVE MORE WHITE, OKAY?
I'M GOING TO COACH YOU.
I'M GOING TO COACH YOU.
REPEAT AFTER ME -- HAVE YOU SEEN
THE NEW SEASON OF THE MARVELOUS
MRS. MAISEL?
IT'S EVEN BETTER THAN GILMORE
GIRLS!
HOW MANY ED SHEERAN SONGS DO YOU
KNOW?
>> NONE.
(  BLEEP  )!
DON'T SAY THAT AROUND THE
POLLING PLACE!
WHO IS ED SHEERAN?
HERE AT THE POLLING PLACE WITH
BETO SUPPORTERS, LET'S SEE HOW
THEY DID.
MAYBE IT'S GOOD NEWS.
HI, HOW DID IT GO?
>> I DOUBLE CHECKED AND CHECKED
AGAIN TO MAKE SURE.
>> TAKE THIS STICKER,
CONGRATULATIONS.
IT SAYS I'M PRETTY SURE I VOTED.
WEAR THIS WITH AMBIVALENT PRIDE.
>> I WILL.
T SAYS I THINK I JUST VOTED.
SO THE STATE OF TEXAS LET YOU
VOTE.
>> YES.
AND THEY DIDN'T CHEAT.
NO.
CONGRATULATIONS, WEAR IT
PROUDLY.
JUST LIGHT ENOUGH TO VOTE.
( LAUGHTER )
>> WE'RE GOING TO DO PICTURES,
HAVE A CHANCE TO TALK TO MEMBERS
OF THE MEDIA AND THIS DOG.
>> I'LL BE RIGHT HERE.
ALL RIGHT, FOLKS, BELIEVE IT
OR NOT, THIS IS NOT THE 12t
12th AN ON EVERY N.B.A. TEAM.
THIS IS THE ONE AND ONLY BETO
O'ROURKE!
THANK YOU, BETO O'ROURKE.
I LOVE THE WAY YOU ARE ANYBODY
BUT TED CRUZ.
>> THANK YOU.
ELL ME THIS, BETO, DOES IT
CONCERN YOU HALF YOUR BASE
THINKS THEY CAN VOTE FOR YOU
THROUGH INSTAGRAM?
>> YEAH, IT'S GOING TO HAVE TO
TURN INTO REAL VOTES, BUT WE'RE
SEEK A HUGE VOTER TURNOUT SO
FAR.
>> I'M WORRIED ABOUT THE VOTING
MA CHEENS CHANGING BELT O'S NAME
TO CRUISE.
WITH THE UNCERTAINTY AROUND THE
MACHINES, IS IT NOW MORE
IMPORTANT THAN EVER FOR
DEMOCRATS TO GO OUT AND VOTE
TWICE?
>> VOTE ONCE, THAT'S THE LAW.
FAIR ENOUGH!
THIS IS THE MAN!
WHAT DOES TED CRUZ HAVE THAT YOU
DON'T HAVE BESIDES THE ABILITY
TO REGENERATE HIS TAIL?
BETO!
BETO!
BETO!
BETO!
I'M HERE AT THE TED CRUZ RALLY,
OR A DUKE DYNASTY KOS PLAY
CONVENTION, NOT 100% SURE.
HOW CONFIDENT ARE YOU TED CRUZ
WILL BE ELECTED?
ONE IS NOT CONFIDENT AND TEN IS
THE HIGHEST YOU CAN COUNT TO.
>> SEVEN.
IN THE LAST FEW YEARS, TED
CRUZ HAS DESCRIBED
PRESIDENT TRUMP AS AMORAL, A
PHILANDERER AND A BUFFOON, BUT
NOW, IN A MAJOR SHIFT, HE JUST
THINKS IT.
ARE YOU IMPRESSED THE WAY TED
HAS FORGIVEN DONALD TRUMP?
>> I GUESS SO.
FOR THE THINGS HE SAID?
YEAH, HE'S IMPRESSIVE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK WAS HARDER
FOR TED TO FORGIVE, TRUMP FOR
INSULTING TED'S WIFE OR THE
MONGOOSE FOR EATING TED'S
OFFSPRING?
BECAUSE TED IS A REPTILE
CREATURE.
( LAUGHTER )
IF TED LOSES, DO YOU THINK HE'LL
END UP WITH HIS FIRST LOVE THE
MUTE LADY FROM THE SHAPE OF
WATER?
BECAUSE HE'S A HIDEOUS FISH
MONSTER, OKAY?
WE CAN ALL AGREE, THIS IS
BEAUTIFUL.
IN FAIRNESS, PEOPLE ARE HARD ON
TED AND HIS LOOKS AND THEY CALL
HIM THE ZODIAC KILLER.
THAT'S UNFAIR, SINCE HIS EPLAN
TO REPEAL ObamaCare WOULD KILL
WAY MORE WAY, WAY, WAY, WAY,
WAY, WAY, WAY MORE THAN THE
ZODIAC KILLER!
I MEAN, WAY MORE PEOPLE THAN THE
ZODIAC KILLER, RIGHT?
WAY, WAY, WAY, WAY, WAY, WAY,
WAY, WAY, WAY, WAY, WAY MORE
PEOPLE THAN THE ZODIAC KILLER.
WAY MORE!
( APPLAUSE )
I'M NOT SAYING TED CRUZ SUPPORTS
RACIST POLICIES BUT HE WAS JUST
GIVEN THE 9:00 A.M. HOUR OF THE
"TODAY SHOW."
>> SO WHERE IS BETO IN TEXAS?
THIS IS FUN!
THEY'RE WITH TED!
>> -- MORE INDIVIDUAL TAX CUTS
PERMANENT.
( BOOING )
>> WHAT DID HE SAY?
BOO!
>> -- RAISING YOUR TAXES.
NOT ONLY THAT HE VOTED IN FAVOR
OF SOMETHING CALLED A RAIN
TAX --
>> THAT'S NOT HOW YOU PUT ON A
T-SHIRT.
TED!
QUICK QUESTION!
I HAVE A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION
THAT MAKES ME VOMIT OUT OF MY
EYES WHENEVER I LOOK AT YOU.
IS THAT IN THE G.O.P. HEALTHCARE
PLAN?
YOU CAN'T IGNORE ME, TED!
I'M NOT OVERWHELMING SCIENTIFIC
EVIDENCE OF GLOBAL WARMING!
TED!
>> WELCOME TO TEXAS.
HOW ARE YOU, TED?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
THIS IS A PRIVILEGE.
CAN YOU TELL THESE PEOPLE NOT TO
KILL ME IF I MAKE A JOKE OR TWO?
>> IT DEPENDS HOW BAD A JOKE.
OH, NO!
OKAY, WE'LL TRY ONE.
TED, IS IT TRUE YOU WILL DEFEND
THE CONSTITUTION AT ALL COSTS
EXCEPT FOR WHEN DONALD TRUMP
CALLS IT UGLY ON TWITTER?
>> I LOVE THE CONSTITUTION.
AND TWITTER IS TWITTER.
>> MEN CAN TALK TO ME, LET'S BE
CIVIL HERE.
>> WE CAN ALL HAVE A
CONVERSATION.
>> I'M NOT HURTING HIM, TED, I
CAN TALK, RIGHT?
I HAVE A CUBAN IN MY MOUTH, FOR
GOD'S SAKE, A CUBAN!
THIS MAN HAS THE RIGHT -- LET'S
BE CIVIL HERE BECAUSE THIS
MAN -- NOBODY SHOULD BE YELLING
AT THIS MAN IN A PUBLIC PLACE.
I MEAN, DOESN'T THE MAN HAVE THE
RIGHT TO SIT DOWN IN A
RESTAURANT AND ENJOY A MEAL THAT
FIVE WAITERS HAVE SPIT IN?
( LAUGHTER )
>> AS A CUBAN AMERICAN, ANYONE
SMOKING A CIGAR CAN'T BE ALL
BAD.
TWO, I JUST WANT TO SAY TO
TRIUMPH, MY ADVICE IS WALK AWAY
AND JUST REMEMBER, IT W IT WASN'
REPUBLICANS, IT WAS THE
DEMOCRATS THAT TOOK YOU IN TO
THE VET TO GET FIXED, AND THERE
IS FREEDOM ON THE OTHER SIDE!
>> I SUPPORT SPAYING AND
NEUTERING JUST LIKE TRUMP DID TO
YOU!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANKS, TED!
THANKS FOR VISITING!
THIS IS THE LION OF THE SENATE,
RIGHT?
CHANT ALONG WITH ME, LION OF THE
SENATE LION OF THE SENATE!
LION OF THE SENATE!
LION!
LION!
LION!
LION!
LION!
TED CRUZ!
TED CRUZ!
THE LION OF THE SENATE!
>> LION COMES OUT BY ITSELF,
SOUNDS LIKE LION.
>> NO, I HOPE NOT!
>> STEPHEN: TRIUMPH THE INSULT
COMIC DOG, EVERYONE!
VOTE!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JUDE
LAW.
