- I made fun of them for--women
 weren't allowed to drive
to drive in Saudi Arabia,
and I was going in on it.
I'm like, "Well, maybe you
should let the women drive,
'cause you guys drive like
shit," you know,
"And that"--so I was like, "Oh,
my God.
"This is payback.
I'm gonna lose my head,
and they're gonna blame fucking
ISIS or some shit," right?
[dark electronic music]
♪
- Oh! Ahh!
♪
Ugh! Oh! Ahh!
Augh!
♪
[cheers and applause]
Super stoked to get this guy.
Everybody fucking loves him.
One of the biggest comics
in the world, to be honest.
Please give it up for
Mr. Russell Peters, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
♪
- I've been doing stand-up
for 27 years,
so when you're doing it
this long and you start
to progress,
things in your life change.
Like, my situation changed from
being this broke brown kid
in Canada to a doing-okay kid
in L.A. now, right?
Or old-ass man,
but whatever.
And I get to go around
the world.
That's the beauty of
what I do for a living
is I get to go around the world,
and I go to places
that the American media
tells you not to go to
because they want you
to be scared
and keep your moustache
like that.
[laughter]
So recently I was in
the Middle East.
I can't say which country
because I signed an NDA, but...
[laughter]
But I was there. I did a show in
this place in the Middle East.
Well, I can say this.
I was in Saudi Arabia, and--
and it was very different.
I'd never been to Saudi Arabia
before,
because I was always scared to
go to Saudi Arabia.
Everybody was like, "Saudi
Arabia."
I'm like, "Fuck you."
And that's based on watching the
news in America, and I'm like,
"Well, you better not go
to Saudi Arabia
"or they'll tie you
to two different camels
and they'll make them run away,"
you know what I mean?
That's all you ever hear about
Saudi Arabia is that torture
and beheadings
and they'll kill you
and watch what you say.
That's all true.
[laughter]
But--but you don't see it.
In the Middle East,
it's very quiet.
It's like, "No, don't tell
anyone what we do.
Just..."
so anyway, I do the show there,
great--had a great time.
There's 10,000 princes is Saudi
Arabia,
so there's a lot of fucking
royalty just running around
Saudi Arabia.
So I do a show.
I'm tripped out because
when I get onstage,
the audience is segregated.
Not--not like this.
Not like hipsters on one side
and, you know, like--
but it's, like, it's women on
one side and men on the other.
And--because they're not allowed
to be together.
And I was like, "Why can't
the women be together
with the men?"
And this is the honest
answer I got.
I thought it was
fucking hilarious.
I go, "Hey, why can't the women
and the men be together?"
"'Cause they'll go crazy,
want to fuck everybody."
I'm like--
[laughs]
You're--it's not the men that
are gonna go crazy,
just so you're aware of this.
These women are lunatics
apparently,
and they're just
gonna fuck everybody, right?
So I go, "All right.
Good plan."
Right?
And so we do the show,
and then one of the other
princes
who was a little more
higher up, I guess,
in the prince hierarchy,
hears about the show
and tells the other prince--
I guess,
who's his cousin--and he goes,
"I want a private show with
Russell."
And then he comes to me at
the--they have this little
after-party for me, and you
would think, like--
you're like,
"All right."
You know, 'cause it's
Saudi Arabia,
you're gonna be like,
"There's mad bitches.
They got the doors closed."
Fucking two chicks
in the whole room,
and they're, like, sisters of
somebody in there, right?
You're like, "Ah, come on, guy."
And then there's guys--
guys are dancing with guys.
It's not--it's weird.
It's not, like--
but it's not like here.
You know, 'cause over--here in
America, we've lost the idea
of what dancing is, you know?
White people have won
the dancing war.
I mean, let's be honest.
Like, when you go to, like,
an EDM thing,
everybody's just jumping up
and down,
and nobody's dancing anymore.
That means white people won.
[laughter]
And it's either that
or you're just fucking
ass fucking everybody all night,
know what I mean?
[laughter]
So when I say the guys are
dancing on each other,
they're not like,
"Hey, bro, do it."
You know, like,
they're just--
I'm not exaggerating.
There was a dude doing
a dance--
[laughs]
It looked like a camel.
That's what--that's what his
dance--his dance was this.
[laughter]
He was fucking--I was like,
"Is that how you pick up chicks
over here?"
"One hump or two?"
You know?
And then--
[laughter]
So anyway the other prince calls
this prince and he's like,
"Private show tomorrow,"
and then my brother,
who's my manager, is like,
"All right, well,
"let me talk to him,
and then we can sort the details
out."
And I go--I go, "I'm scared
about this, 'cause we're already
here, and, you know, we already
don't know enough about these
people, but..." and then he
comes over, and he talks to
him, and he's like, "Oh, shit.
That's a lot of money."
[laughter]
So I go, "Uh, yeah, we'll do
that show, right?"
And then my brother goes, "Okay,
well, we're gonna need lights.
"We're gonna need the cameraman.
We're gonna need the DJs.
We're gonna need
the opening act."
And he's like, "No.
Just Russell."
And I'm like, "Oh, fuck.
All right."
And he goes,
"Has to be private event."
And I go, "All right.
Well, can you give me
any information?"
"No information."
I'm like,
"Well, how many people?"
He goes, "It's a very small
party for the prince."
And I'm like, "Okay."
And I'm thinking small,
all right?
Private thing.
Maybe 50 to 100 people, right?
I've done worse.
27 years of stand-up,
I've done shows
where there's two people
in the audience.
I literally put the mic down
and just sat with them.
I was like,
"All right, listen.
"It's--it's fucking stupid
for me to try and--
uh, what do you do?"
You know, so...
so...
So I go, "How many people?"
And they go, "Maybe 10 to 12."
I'm like, "Oh, come on, guy,"
right?
"This is ridiculous."
And then my brother goes,
"Doo-doo-doo," and I go,
"That's a lot of money.
Yeah, you're right.
Let's--let's do it."
So I go to the palace the next
day, right?
And I get there, and they put us
in, like, a waiting room,
and then this guy comes in,
he goes, "Mr. Peters, please."
And my brother and I--'cause,
you know, obviously he's got
the same last name--we both get
up, and he goes, "No, no.
You stay.
Just him."
And--and I'm thinking, "Great,
I'm gonna get beheaded
or some shit," right?
'Cause I talked mad shit the
night before, right?
I mad fun of them for--women
weren't allowed to drive
in Saudi--it's illegal for women
to drive in Saudi Arabia,
and I was going in on it.
I'm like, "Well, maybe you
should let the women drive,
'cause you guys drive like
shit," you know,
"And that"--so I was like, "Oh,
my God.
"This is payback.
I'm gonna lose my head,
and they're gonna blame fucking
ISIS or some shit," right?
So--so I go into this room,
and it's a little-ass room
with a 110-inch TV,
and I walk in,
and I figure 'cause the TV--
say this is the TV behind me--
I walk in the room and I'm like,
"All right, I guess
"I'll just stand in front of
this TV and do my little jokes
for these 11 people
that are here."
And I walk in, and then the
prince is sitting in the middle
of the room, and he gets up, and
he goes,
"Hey, thanks for coming."
He doesn't sound like how you're
thinking.
He's not like, "Please, please,
entertain my friends," you know.
He's like, "Hey, thanks for
coming," and I'm like,
"What the fuck is happening
right now?"
[laughter]
Like, Ashton Kutcher's gonna
come out.
Ha-ha!
You've been punked!
You know.
And then--
so he goes--he goes, "Sit down.
Russell, please sit down."
So I sit down, and I just start
making fun
of everybody in the room.
Literally, like, I'm like, "You,
bam, you, bam,"
and then--and then the prince
is, like, feeding my lines.
"That guy owns camels."
And I'm like--and I'm like,
"You, fucking camel guy," and...
"How's it going?"
And then--
I don't know if that's the
greeting or the dance, right?
So...
you know, the prince,
I'm making fun of him.
I start making fun
of the prince.
I got a little fucking
carried away.
And I knew when I was getting
carried away 'cause everybody
went, "Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm."
[laughter]
"Mm-mm. Everybody else,
no problem, but him? Mm-mm."
And there's--then the prince
says to me--there's a guy
sitting beside me, and he goes,
"Hey, Russell, that guy has one
of the only brown diamonds
in the world."
And I go, "What the fuck
is a brown diamond?"
He goes, "Show him, show him."
The guy takes off his ring
and he's got this little
tiny-ass brown diamond
on a ring, right?
And I go, "Oh, cool," and I go
to put it on my hand,
and it wouldn't go past
my pinkie nail.
And I'm like, how
small are your hands?
[laughter]
And I look at the prince
and I go,
"This guy's got
child-like hands."
And the prince starts laughing,
and then as a joke,
I grab the guy's wrist, right?
And I have friends that are
magicians, and they taught me
how to take a watch off
somebody's wrist, so I grab his
wrist, and I unlock his watch,
and I pull it off, and I go,
"How small are your wrists?"
And then I go, "Oh, wow.
Nice watch."
I go, "What is that, a Richard
Mille?"
He goes, "No, it's Hublot."
And I go, "Oh, nice.
I go, "Here."
He goes, "Oh, keep it."
And I'm like, "Okay, buddy," so
I put--I put the watch on,
and I'm doing--I start talking
again, and about ten minutes
later, I go,
"Hey, man, here's your watch."
He goes, "No, no.
I give to you."
And I'm like,
"What the fuck?"
[laughter]
So I start getting comfortable,
right?
'Cause now I feel like
I've done my job.
Everybody's laughed in this
room, and then the prince goes,
"Come on, let's eat."
And I go, "All right,
let's eat."
So we go to this other room to
eat, and I'm sitting there,
and I go, "Hey, man, where's the
guy that gave me the watch?"
He goes, "Oh, he left."
And I go, "But I've got his
watch."
And he goes, "He gave it to
you."
And I go, "All right."
And he goes, "That's how it is
in Saudi Arabia.
"If you like something we have,
and you say, 'I like that,'
We have to give it to you."
And I go, "Wow."
[laughter]
"This it the best palace I've
ever been in."
Didn't work. Doesn't work on
real estate apparently.
I should've complimented
the Rolls-Royce they sent
to pick me up in though.
- Whoo!
- God damn it,
I fucked that one up, right?
So--so I start, you know,
the prince is really cool,
so I start talking to him.
I'm like, "Yo, did you know
Osama bin Laden?"
'Cause he was from Saudi Arabia.
And I go, "Hey, did you know
Osama bin Laden?"
He goes, "Well, I didn't know
him, but I know is family."
I go, "Really?"
He goes, "Yeah."
I mean, he was much older
than I am.
I go, "Oh, yeah, I guess
that makes sense."
He goes, "Yeah, but his family
is a very prominent family here
in Saudi Arabia."
They're--they built
Saudi Arabia.
They were the construction
company that built it.
He goes, "He went crazy.
"He went that way
and the family was this way,
"and he was mad at Saudi Arabia
and he was mad at his family,
so he went a little
fucking cuckoo."
And then I was like,
"That's amazing,"
'cause he's very--if you think
about the breakdown
of Osama bin Laden,
he's very similar
to Donald Trump.
[laughter]
He's--he's the spoiled brat
billionaire son of a developer
who's fucking mad at everybody,
you know what I mean?
- Oh, my God.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
So I go--I go--he goes,
"Yeah, his family's very nice,
actually."
And I go, "Really?"
He goes, "Do you want to meet
his brother?"
And I'm like, "Fuck yeah,
I do!"
I was like, "I so want to meet
his brother!"
So... so goes, "Okay," and he
says to some guy...
[speaking gibberish]
Random, like, "Oh, I don't know
what he's saying,
but okay, sure," right?
And then--so the next day I get
this call at my hotel
and they send the car--
the prince sends a car for me,
and I go, "What's this for?"
He goes, "Oh, you said you
wanted to go see Saudi Arabia,
so he sent a car so you can go
around and see everything."
And he walks out with me,
and he's on his phone,
and he's like, "Uh-huh, uh-huh."
And he goes, "Hey, Russell,
do you still want to meet
Osama's brother?"
[laughter]
And I'm like, "Fuck yeah, I do!"
And he goes, "Okay.
One second.
Here."
And I go, "What's this?"
And I won't say what--the guy's
first name, 'cause, you know,
that'll give it away, but--but
it says blank "bin Laden"
on the phone, right?
And I'm like--I go,
"What's this?"
He goes,
"It's Osama's brother."
And I go, "Holy shit."
So I go, "Uh, hello?"
And he goes--
this is exactly--
here's what you're expecting,
right?
Osama bin Laden's brother to get
on the phone, be like...
[in deep voice] "Russell, what
are you doing, infidel?"
Right?
So--
[laughter]
I go, "Hello?"
And this is what I hear
on the other end.
"Hey, Russell."
I go...
[laughter]
"What the fuck is going on
here?"
[laughter]
He goes, "Yeah, it's--yeah, I'm
blah, blah, blah bin Laden."
I go, "Yeah, and I see that
on the phone."
He goes,
"First of all, let me tell you,
a big fan of your stuff,"
and I'm like, "What the--
what the good fuck is going
on over here?"
Right?
And he's like, "How long are you
in town for?"
I go, "I'm leaving today."
He goes,
"Yeah, I'm flying back tonight.
"Oh, man, I'm gonna miss you.
"Hey, stay in touch with me.
Take my number."
And I'm like, "What?"
"Yeah, take my number."
And I go, "All right."
And I go, "Just so you know,
your name's going in
as Dave Smith on my phone."
[laughter and applause]
Thank you, guys.
You were great.
[cheers and applause]
♪
